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May 31, 2004
I wanted to write a long a speech today, but I always feel a bit pompous when I try to be serious for too long. All I really want to say is that I have been blessed with a great life, and though some of it is from my own hard work, most of what I have now comes from the efforts of those before me, both my loved one and those I've never known. The sacrifice of our troops throughout American history has ensured and continues to ensure we have a free country where what one dreams, one can achieve. I have a debt to them I can never pay back, but I vow to do my best to try.
Today, make sure to send your prayers to those who stand between their loved homes and the war's desolation. There's much more at stake then many would want to admit, and, in the least, there are our troops own lives and the lives of their family at risk.
Blackfive has much more to say about a friend of his who made the ultimate sacrifice for his country and for others and caused Blackfive to start blogging in the first place. Please go read it.
May 28, 2004
Have a Great Memorial Day Weekend
I'm going to take a break for the weekend (though that's not a promise I won't post anything; I'm going to try and have something for Memorial Day and I've been wanting to put up some music reviews). Everyone have a great weekend and hopefully next week I'll have the modeling photos from the IMAO T-Shirt Babe, SarahK (plus, wasn't I promised some from the Berkeley girls?). Also, I'll be even funnier and more poigiant when I return. Also, I'll finally put up some more military posts using the e-mails graciously sent to me.
BTW, the previous post is now a caption contest since there's already some hilarious captions in the comment section.
May 27, 2004
Some Religions Need to Take Better Care of Their Clerics
Geez, what's it with radical Muslim clerics?
Most seem to be blind (and you know what your parents told you will make you blind), though this one here is missing an eye and a hand. So, is it that the handicapped tend to become clerics in the Middle East as spewing hatred is the only job available to them, or do they get handicapped after becoming a cleric as God keeps hitting them with lightning bolts? And why don't they do the suicide bombings? They're missing all those limbs so they're already halfway to being completely blown apart.
Next time we capture a blind cleric, it would be funny to see how long we could keep him from finding out he's been captured. Put him in a cell, but tell him he's actually in front of his followers, and see if he'll give a whole Jew-hate'n speech to the concrete wall. Tape it, and you could have an America's Funniest Home Video right there.
Know Thy Enemy: Al Gore
Everyone has heard about Al Gore's insane tirade yesterday, but is he really now so insane that's he's a menace to society? To find out, I had my crack research team find out whatever they could about the one know as Al Gore.
FUN FACTS ABOUT AL GORE
* Al Gore's father was also a U.S. Senator and his mother is a wooden plank.
* Many say Gore got his personality from his mother.
* Al Gore hugs trees because his parents never hugged him.
* Once when Al Gore was at McDonalds, the cashier accidentally gave him a large fry instead of the SuperSize™ fry he ordered. Gore then proceeded to demand the CEO resign.
* Don't let Al Gore near any elections, because he'll try and steal them.
* His programming was specifically for him to be a politician. Now that he no longer is one, he's gone rogue.
* Some say that Al Gore is an emotionless, killer cyborg, while other say he is more of an android.
* If you turn on a microwave while Al Gore is near, he'll suddenly start singing showtunes.
* Al Gore spent most of his vice presidency trying to keep Clinton away from his daughters.
* Al Gore's rage wasn't well known during the 2000 election, but it's said that sometimes he'd short circuit during the campaign trail and take out an entire town.
* Part of the reason Al Gore gave such an insane tirade yesterday is because a refrigerator magnet was stuck to his head.
* Most aren't sure why Al Gore singled out Rush Limbaugh in his recent speech, but it may be go back to the time Rush Limbaugh killed his father.
* Due to his huge obsession with porn, Al Gore invented the internet.
* During the 2000 campaign, Al Gore told a number of stories that weren’t quite true. These weren’t in fact lies, but instead the results of faulty programming in his logic cells.
* Al Gore is bullet proof but vulnerable to EMP blasts.
* Al Gore is obsessed with saving the environment. Eventually he plans to eliminate all cars to save the air and then all people.
* Al Gore was assembled in Tennessee, but has since been rejected by that state after his numerous killing sprees.
* Some say Al Gore is stiff, but he actually has a wide range of movement for a robot.
* When keeping a look out for a killer Al Gore, remember that he may have a beard.
* The only way to destroy Al Gore is to get him to chase you under a hydraulic press. It's best to keep in memory all the nearest hydraulic presses before hand.
* If his eyes glow red, that means he's about to charge. Quickly dodge to the side and then counter attack.
* In a fight between Al Gore and Aquaman, Al Gore would grapple Aquaman with his “tree hug of iron” grab, snapping Aquaman's spine.
* Rumors that Gore was designed by Honda are unfounded.
* What you don't see in the video of Gore's speech yesterday is that he slaughtered everyone in the room right after. Good for him.
May 26, 2004
And Now a Word from Our Sponsors...
I have a few blog ad sponsors who need mentioning. Snarkbait is back and is a great blog you should go check out. Infidel Apparel also is back for a full month; go there so you can get merchandise that proudly declares yourself an "Infidel" in Arabic (and other cool slogans). Finally, Life, Liberty, Etc., my longest advertiser and inspiration for my t-shirt babe contest, is back once again. Time for me to finally buy that "Peace Through Superior Firepower" t-shirt.
Remember, good ronin always check out all the advertisers on IMAO.
Also, I'm thinking of having the next IMAO t-shirt be of Chomps. Please vote in this poll (and only once) so I know how much interest there is. Exact design is to be decided on.
Gore-Bot Gone Wild
Hide your children! Al Gore has gone completely off the rails!
"DESTROY ALL HUMANS! DESTROY ALL HUMANS!"
To think how close we came to having him as president four years ago. Talk about dodging a bullet.
So do you think Gore will drag down Kerry with his insanity? Or will he help Kerry by making him look much more reasonable in comparison? Discuss among yourselves.
Only You Can Prevent Terrorism
There are intelligence reports that more big terrorists attacks are coming to America. So what can the common man do?
Well, I now have a holster so I can conceal and carry two full-size .45's on me. If I see anything terroristy around... BANG! BANG! BANG! Everyone's dead.
I also stocked up on bacon. Bacon is to terrorists like garlic is to vampires. Also, it's tasty and good for an Atkins diet.
Of course, terrorists will probably attack with bombs. So, teach your dog to be a bomb-sniffing dog. The way to do that is to buy a bunch of bombs and keep them around your house so your dog can sniff them all the time.
Also, remember to punch hippies. That discourages terror, especially if after you punch the terrorist, you shout out, "Hey! Any terrorists who are watching! That's what I'm going to do to you!" Terrorists don't like to be punched.
If you have any other ideas of what the average citizen can do to fight terror in America, put it in the comments section.
UPDATE: I was just thinking: What happens if the Muslim terrorists team up with the Irish terrorists? We would then have drunken suicide bombers stumbling around and blowing up in random places! We need to stop that from happening.
UPDATE: Readers are right; the best way to fight terrorism is to buy my t-shirt. You don't support terror, do you?
Frank Suggestions on Using Less Gas
Gas prices are at a record high right now (if you don't factor in inflation or count other countries), so I thought as a public service I'd list some ways to save gas while getting where you need to go.
Ride a Bike
Use Public Transportation
Drive a Small, Fuel-Efficient Car
Drive an Electric Car
Drive a Hybrid Car
Ride a Horse Drawn Chariot
Trade Blood for Oil
Drive a Solar Powered Car
Drive a Coal Powered Car
Ride a Dog Sled
Fly a Zeppelin
Replace Car Engine with a Hamster in a Wheel
Ride a Segway
Ride a Bobcat with a Saddle on It
Use a Transporter
Use a Rubber Hose and a Breath Mint
May 25, 2004
Let's Visit Our Friends in the Blogosphere
I don't do as much blog reading as I used to, and here's one of the blogs I wish I read more:
No better authority on firearms in the blogosphere, plus some some very frank political commentary.
If I Were President: Justification for the War on Terror
I missed the president's speech last night (I was busy kung fu fighting), but here is what I would have said in his place:
There have been some questions about the War on Terror and specifically our fight in Iraq... mainly from the assholes in the press, but there are some others as well. To those who doubt our mission, I can't say this emphatically enough: SCREW YOU!
We have lots of smelly, unshaven men who hate nothing more than the American way of life, and I'm not talking about Michael Moore. These people want to kill us for a multitude of retarded reasons, so we have to kill them first. Pretty goddamn simple if you ask me, yet people want to "understand why they hate us." Frankly, I'm fine with understanding what one ate for lunch from the gaping wound in his stomach. The full understanding can be saved for the anthropologists.
Let me make this clear: When people want to kill you, will blow up men, women, and children and celebrate the deaths by jumping around and yelling like a bunch of deranged howler monkeys, you waste those motherf**kers. There are no ifs or buts about it. And you don't wait for permission from some "international community". France has about as much relevance on the world stage as a tribe of mountain gorillas (and guess which groups bathes more). And we're supposed to wait for China to take a break from executing political prisoners to approve what we're doing?
Here's my policy on that: f**k them!
Most of the countries of the world get the luxury of being a bunch a whiny little bitches because they know that America will actually get the tough s**t done. Frankly, I'm okay with all those pissant countries sitting around and patting themselves on the back while we the American people take care of all the problems in the world. Someone has to be an adult here.
And about angering the Arab world - those people are already a bunch of irrationally angry assholes. Who gives a rat's ass about whether defending ourselves helps their anemic self-esteem. The only thing they need to know is that, as angry as they get as they eat food donated out of the kindness of our Christian hearts, lifting a finger against us is the surest way to commit mass suicide. Our goal should not be to be liked, it should be to be respected... or feared. Same difference.
So on to Iraq. Saddam was a madman in charge of an entire country. He murdered, he tortured, and, as long as we left him alone, he was free to plot more mayhem. So we took the bitch out; simple as that. You may say that there are plenty of other evil dictators out there, and it's a good point; we'll get to them later. But the journey of a thousand miles starts with dragging one disheveled, former dictator out of a hole in the ground. But, when I have my way - and I will because I'm bigger than you - all dictators will eventually be fertilizer or the bitch of some guy named Bubba. It should be our goal to make all countries productive, capitalistic democracies, because those guys won't attack us whether or not they're smart enough to kiss our feet.
So Iraq is just a start, and every despot out there better start packing if he knows what's good for him and every psychotic terrorist better renew his life insurance. Some may say that for every evil terrorist we kill, we create another bin Laden. Well, guess what; we can make bullets and cruise missiles even faster.
Still, there are going to be many Americans against our war in Iraq and other places. If you are one of them, then please write out your reasoned arguments in a letter, put it into a an envelope, address it to "1600 Pennsylvania Avenue", put a stamp on it, and then SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!
Thank you and God bless.
May 24, 2004
Frank Suggestions for Bush's Iraq Speech
With Bush's poll numbers dropping, his Iraq speech tonight will super-duper important. Thus, I'll give him suggestions for lines in his speech.
TOP TEN SUGGESTED LINES FOR BUSH'S IRAQ SPEECH
10. "For those who say this war is excessive, I propose a twenty percent reduction in the size of Ted Kennedy's head and a hundred percent reduction in the sounds coming out of it."
9. "I'll hand over Iraq when they leggo my Eggo."
8. "For those who are vehemently opposed to the war in Iraq, I have this to say to them: I will kill you and your family."
7. "It wasn't like Iraq was going to invade itself."
6. "That mean man Saddam tried to kill my daddy, so I got him good!"
5. "France was really opposed to us invading Iraq, so you know some good would have to come of it."
4. "I assure you that Iraq will become a full-fledged democracy instead of a quasi-dictatorship like Canada."
3. "The war has actually been going very well; we just didn't realize that Iraq would be so damn full of Iraqis."
2. "As for my opinion on Abu Grahib, I never looked at the pictures because I'm not a pervert. Why? Did you look at them?"
And the number one suggested line for Bush's Iraq speech...
"I was only doing what Cheney and thus Halliburton was telling me to do; go talk to them."
In My World: War of the Worlds Part III
* * * *
"President Bush has not only bungled the war on terror and the handling of Iraq, but he's now aggravated our alien invaders to the point that they're threatening to destroy our planet," the T.V. announced said. "John Kerry knows how to work with the U.N. on terror and alien invasions leading to a more nuanced approach that wouldn't cause our total destruction."
"I'm John Kerry, and I'm too nuanced to say whether I approved this message or not."
Bush shut off the T.V. "Jackass." He then turned to Condi. "You had a Republican Attack Machine to show me."
"Follow me." Condi led Bush to a hidden elevator behind a bookcase. It raced downwards at tremendous speed. After a minute, it finally came to a stop.
"So where are we?" Bush asked.
"Ten miles underground," Condi told him, "Where are most secret black project are and also the food court... not exactly prime location."
"Is there an Orange Julius?"
Condi hit Bush in the back of the head. "Keep focused." She led him through the nearly vacant food court and then used a retinal scan to enter a large vault near the Chick-fil-A.
"There is an Orange Julius," Bush said as he was pulled into the vault.
"Now, behold the Republican Attack Machine!" Condi announced as she hit a button causing a metal screen to slide open.
Bush stared at the monstrosity. Finally, he said, "It's just another stupid robot."
"It's battle armor," Condi corrected him indignantly.
"Whatever," Bush said, taking out his GameBoy.
"It's got a gattling gun, micro-missiles, and laser cannons!" Condi shouted.
"Yeah, yeah," Bush said as he played a videogame, "I'm sure it will defeat the aliens and all, I was just expecting something little bit different... more fascinating you know."
"Well, don't you want to try it on and defeat the alien menace?" Condi asked.
Bush shrugged his shoulders as he kept his focus on his videogame.
"I swear this is the most high-tech, piece of machinery that ever..."
Condi was interrupted by a warning siren. "There is a foul smell moving at high speed towards New York," an aide yelled as he ran into the room.
"The French!" Bush exclaimed as he shook his fist. He then turned to Condi. "I'm going to New York to stop their surrender and then fight the evil alien warlord one on one as clichés would dictate. Why don't you put on your tin can and then destroy the alien mothership."
"It will be the coolest battle ever," Condi swore.
"Yeah yeah," Bush said dismissively as he put on his cowboy had and grabbed his peacemaker. "Time to stop a surrendering."
Bush ran out of the room, made a quick stop at the Orange Julius, and then headed into the elevator.
"Fine, I'll wield the greatest destructive force ever myself," Condi fumed. She then turned to the Republican Attack Machine. "We're going to kill lots of aliens, aren't we R.A.M.? We’ll show them! We’ll show them all!”
* * * *
"See, I told you that through my British wit, Zatoichi's samurai skills, Chomps's anger, and Scott's tubbiness, we would get out of that alien cell."
"I'm not tubby," Scott asserted. "So, how are we going to destroy the mothership?"
"When a warrior seeks to defeat his enemy and win in battle," Ichi intoned, "his greatest weapon is nothingness itself. Such is the way of the void."
Tony Blair and Chomps nodded in understanding, while Scott exclaimed, "What?"
"What Ichi-san is referring to, chap," Blair explained, "is that there is probably a core of negative matter inside this mothership that compensates for the ship's mass and allows it to do interstellar travel. If we could destabilize the core, the negative matter would cause the ship to implode into nothingness."
"Uh... okay," Scott said.
"Jolly good. Let's get to it."
* * * *
The surrender mobile speeded through the streets of New York city, a trail of flames behind it. Multiple white flags flapped in the wind as "We surrender!" was blared through the loudspeakers in multiple languages. It soon screeched to a halt in front of the U.N. Headquarters.
When Chirac hopped out of the car, a number of men with assault rifles came to meet him. "Excellent! Our special surrender forces are here!" Chirac exclaimed, "I want you all to split up. Some of you surrender from each sides, others surrender from the rear, some get on the roof to surrender there, while I'll surrender to the front. Remember, surrender to anyone you see... unless it's that meddling American president. Then shoot to kill and fight without fear of death. Nothing shall stop the French from the ultimate surrender of all humanity! Nothing! Bwa ha ha ha!"
"Are we talking about that American president?" asked one of the Special Forces, pointing at a man in a cowboy hat.
"Yes! Kill him!"
"Aww, hell!" Bush exclaimed, as he dodged gun fire while running for the U.N. building.
* * * *
"There is the core of the mothership," Blair said.
"Guards are coming," Ichi said.
"Crickey!" Blair shouted, "I think only one of us is capable of holding off the alien guards." He turned to Scott. "Use your press secretary powers to stall them while Ichi, Chomps, and I destabilize the core."
"You can count on me!" Scott said firmly.
"Probably not, but cheerio!"
Scott walked forward to the entrance to the room and met the guards. "You're escaping!" one declared.
"I am out of my cell," Scott said, "but I don't know if I would label that 'escaping'. Prisoners aren't always in their cell 24 hours a day, but does that mean they're escaping?"
"Well, did all of you get out of your cell?" a guard asked impatiently.
"What do you mean by ‘all’?"
"Everyone who was in your cell!"
"It's not really my job to keep track of who is or who isn't inside my cell."
"Why did Bush attack Iraqi children," a hideous creature asked, "What did Iraqi children ever do to him?"
Scott squinted. "Helen Thomas! How did you get here?"
"We've destabilized the core, chap!" Blair called out, "Now let's get the bugger out of here."
"Kill them!" a guard shouted.
"Aiee!" Scott screamed, "Dodge the laser blast!"
"We're dodging what now?" Zatoichi asked as Scott grabbed him and lead him through the hole in the wall that Chomps had ripped open.
"We need to find an escape pod," Blair said.
Suddenly, a wall blew apart. There stood Condi in the Republican Attack Machine. "Time to destroy this place."
"We already handled that, actually," Blair said, "We just need a way out of here."
"But I got all dressed up for fighting and everything," Condi said mournfully, and then started crying.
"And you look very nice in your battler armor," Blair told her, "Doesn't she, guys?"
Chomps barked in approval. "Quite fetching," Scott said.
"It really flatters your figure," Ichi said as he faced a wall.
"Okay," Condi said as she dried her tears, "I'll lead you to my escape ship."
"I'm sure you'll get to kill plenty of people later," Scott assured her.
* * * *
"Kill the American President!" the French Special Forces shouted as they shot as Bush who was scaling the side of the U.N. Headquarters using a lasso. When he got to the top, more Frenchman were up there and fired at him.
"So long, frogs!" Bush shouted as he crashed through a skylight. "Ow!" he yelled as he hit the ground, "Falling hurts!"
He dusted himself off and ran into the main chamber. There he saw Chirac over the surrender papers with pen in hand. A quick shot from Bush's Colt .45 splattered ink over Chirac's face.
"The ancient French surrendering pen!" Chirac yelled, "Why I'll..."
A quick pistol whip shut him up.
"Kill him!" Xanax orders his guards.
Five more shots and the guards fell dead. Bush then twirled his pistol and put it back into his holster. "Just you and me, Xanax!"
"Fool! My mothership still ensures my victory!" Xanax paused for a second. "What! I've lost contact with it!"
"The one thing you should know about Americans," Bush said, "is that we blow stuff up good. It's all over, ugly."
Xanax then held up a flashing device. "If I've going down, I'm taking this whole world with me. There's enough explosive power here to..."
Xanax suddenly fell forward. Standing behind him was Donald Rumsfeld who tossed away a brick. "First round of whiskey is on me."
May 22, 2004
Tell me if it's any good and maybe I'll read it.
UPDATE: I got a nice cup of coffee and am reading it now. I'll get back to you in eight hours.
UPDATE: Done reading it, and I'm sort of speechless as it really has me thinking about a lot of serious things.
Still, I'd like to share you one humorous quote from it that comes from Whittle's dad: “Bill, if more than three people in your life are utter, total assholes, then maybe it’s you.”
Now go read the essay.
May 21, 2004
Let's Visit Our Friends in the Blogosphere
I'll try to get back to good lunchtime updates, but, for the time being, why don't I point out other great blogs for you to visit while I try to come up with more material.
Today, everyone go read The Spoons Experience.
And, if his site is too much for you, get your Spoon Guard!
In My World: War of the Worlds Part II
* * * *
"Damn for'ners hiding in religious sites," Buck the Marine grumbled. He then stuck his head up from his cover. "Have respect for your own religion!"
He ducked at the response.
"Permission to attack the mosque with extreme prejudice, sir" Buck said into his radio.
"Permission denied," his commanding officer answered.
"How about moderate prejudice, sir?"
"No. I don't want to get yelled at again. Hold position and try not to get shot."
Suddenly a UFO flew overhead and destroyed the mosque with a laser. Reporter soon flocked around the area with cameras.
"Wasn't me!" Buck called out, "Honest!"
* * * *
"I will continue to destroy symbols of the American President’s religion in vengeance for his subterfuge against me," Xanax announced angrily on T.V., "That is, until he meets with me personally to negotiate earth's surrender. Muh ha ha ha!"
"So you told him you are Muslim?" Condi asked Bush.
"Yeah, aliens are stupid," Bush said. He then picked up a copy of New York Times. "I can't believe with an impending alien attack they’re still leading with Abu Grahib. At least we finally found some WMD's in Iraq; maybe that will help me in the polls... if humanity isn't destroyed, I mean. So, any new plans to attack the aliens?"
"Well, we were going to attack the mothership with nuclear missiles," Condi answered, "but then we saw a big sign on the side that says, 'Invulnerable to Nuclear Missiles’."
"Dammit!" Bush yelled. "So, Rumsfeld, do you have any ideas."
"Dammit times two!" Bush exclaimed, "He's taking his afternoon nap. You know how cranky he’ll be if we try and wake him."
"We need more time to form a plan," Condi said.
"Well, maybe we can fool Xanax again to stall him," Bush mused, "but how..."
Chomps then walked up to Bush holding out a gun in his mouth and wagging his tail.
"Aww, isn't that cute," Bush said, "Chomps wants to play 'Murder the Hippies'." A thought then struck Bush like a baseball bat to a jack-o-lantern. He turned to Condi. "Do we have any three-piece suits... in rottweiler size?"
* * * *
"So where are we?" Jacques Chirac asked his aide.
"We are in a place the stupid Americans call 'Arizona'," the aide answered.
"But we must get to New York to surrender humanity before those vile Americans have a chance to save it!" Chirac declared.
"But how will we get there in time?" the aide asked.
"To the surrender mobile!"
* * * *
"Finally, I get to meet the earth's angriest president face to face," Xanax laughed, but then looked at the president more closely. "But why does this human walk on four legs unlike the others? And why is his entire face covered in dark follicles of hair unlike other humans? And he seems much angrier than other humans." Xanax then stared at the president even more closely. "Very much angrier."
* * * *
"The president will pay for this!" Xanax swore as the cell door closed on Scott McClellan and Chomps.
Scott looked to Chomps. "I guess we'll have to get out of this one together."
Chomps turned to Scott and started growling.
* * * *
"Help! Help!" came a scream over the radio in the war room.
"Who is this?" Bush demanded.
"You're still around?" Bush chuckled, "I thought the aliens would have vaporized you by now."
"I'm stuck in a cell with Chomps and he's trying to kill me!" Scott yelled.
"Well, there's nothing else in the room for him to kill," Bush answered, "What do you expect?"
"Please help me!"
"Fine," Bush grumbled and then hit a switch to talk to Chomps's hidden communicator. "Calm down, doggie. Nice doggie." Bush heard even more ferocious snarling in response. Bush switched back to Scott's communicator. "Apparently hearing voices in his head makes Chomps even angrier."
"You have to help me! I don't know how much long..."
Bush turned off the communication system. "So what's next, Condi?"
"I think Xanax is going to be really mad after how Chomps nearly tore him apart," she said.
Bush thought for a moment. "Don't worry. I have a new plan so great that there is no way it could fail… No way at all… Even though I thought of it."
* * * *
"What's that I hear?" Zatoichi asked, "sounds like a tubby man hanging from a light fixture and squealing while a ferocious dog in a tuxedo tries to bite him."
"Close, old chap," Tony Blair answered, "The dog is actually in a three-piece suit."
"Why are you guys here?" Scott asked as he took a momentary break from squealing.
"Well, your president had this plan," Blair answered, "and, needless to say, it didn't quite work - no reason to go into the details - so here we are, the Prime Minister of Britain and a blind samurai. Cheerio."
"Can you help stop Chomps from trying to kill me?" Scott asked.
Blair looked at the snarling dog for a moment. "Afraid I'm going to have to say no to that one."
"Ha ha! Dog so want to bite chubby man!" Ichi laughed.
"That is pretty funny," Blair chuckled, "Anyway, we need to put our heads together to stop these aliens. I'm sure between my British wit, Ichi's samurai skills, Chomps's anger, and Scott's... uh... tubbiness, we can find a way out of this cell and show these nasty invaders what for!" Blair checked his watch. He then walked to the little window to the cell’s door and called out, "I don't know if you hideous alien guards are aware of the Geneva Convention, but it's tea time."
* * * *
"Enough tricks!" Xanax shouted, once again having taken over the airwaves. "The American President will meet with me personally or, instead of enslaving you puny humans, I will destroy your pitiful planet! Muh ha ha ha!"
"I really am getting annoyed at this guy interrupting my favorite T.V. shows," Bush declared, "It's time for drastic action. But, do we having anything we can fight aliens with?"
"We might have something," Condi answered.
Condi leaned forward towards Bush, placing her palms on the war room table and staring Bush right in the eyes. "The Republican Attack Machine!"
May 20, 2004
A Taste of His Own Medicine
Michael Wilson is doing to Michael Moore what I had been hoping someone would do for a while: an expose documentary on the fraulent filmaker. He plans to release it against Moore's Farenheit 9/11, but he needs your help.
Also, Rachel Lucas has a neato cool Michael Moore target. I want one for my next range trip!
BTW, the continuation of Monday's IMW is tomorrow...
The Most Dangerous Animal is Punk Teenagers
There seems to be a new trend: kids beating up ferocious animals. Before, I told you about a kid who beat up a bear, and now here's one who punched and alligator. See, Megan, alligators are just like bullies; it you stand up to them, they'll always back down.
Can't Afford to Lose the Nut Vote
John Hawkins has yet more craziness from Democratic Underground and then also points out the site is linked to by the official John Kerry blog. Now, Democratic Underground is fun for a few chuckles, but no one should link to them seriously. Even a short glance at their forum reveals the site to be haven for loony hatemongers. Having a supporting link to them is like having a supporting link to the KKK or Neo-Nazis (or even Paleo-Nazis). I think it's our duty as concerned Americans to hammer Kerry on this. If he's afraid that submitting to reason may lose him the nut vote, he can always tell those muckadoos, "I linked to Democratic Underground before I delinked it."
Score One for the Good Guys
Chris Muir may be close to getting his comic Day by Day syndicated (he says he can't say much now, but will have news in July). Usually I am angered by the success of others, but, if Ted Rall can get published anywhere, then Day by Day should be able to get in tons of papers if there is any justice.
Frank Answers: AOL CD Collection, Point Nine Repeating, the Zionist Sky, Net Weight, and Do You Apes Want to Live Forever?
Back by popular demand, it's Frank Answers™! I was going to quietly retire this feature as I thought it wasn't that funny, but apparently lots of people like it. Well, there was a huge backlog of questions, and here are the definitive answers to some.
* * * *
I do not understand this.
The way it was explained to me that 0.9 repeating (referred to hereafter as 0.9999...) is equal to one is that 1/3 is equal to .3333... and three times 1/3 equals one, so three times 0.3333... which is 0.9999... must also equal one.
But this is false.
0.3333... is actually one infinitesimal away from equaling one third, thus three times it would be three infinitesimals away from one. The reason that mathematicians say 0.9999... is equal to one is because they are lazy as evidence by their uncombed hair and how they wear shorts throughout the entire year.
Do not let your math teacher get away with this falsehood! Next time he says that .9999... equals one, stand up, point your finger at him, yell, "Liar!", and then walk out of the classroom.
Only you can prevent bad math.
Who do you think determined the color of the sky in the first place?
That's right: the joooos!
Always keep thine eyes at the ground - which is free from joooo tampering - lest thou be drawn into their conspiracies. And, no matter how loud a sound you hear, never look up. That what they want you to do!
P.S. Yeah, I already thought about running them down with my big truck, but I think the D.A. would have a hard time believing my self defense claim.
I like your asking the hippies if gas prices are cheaper. While that is entertaining to us, using logic against hippies only confuses and enrages them. Spraying them, much like a skunk sprays predators to teach them to leave him alone, was a better method. The problem is that hippies already smell worse than a skunk and are much dumber, so multiple applications of different sprays will be necessary. Try pepper spray and eventually move up to acid. While the hippies will never logically understand that bothering you is bad, their small hippy minds will eventually scream, "Truck bad!" anytime you drive by, and you'll see them crouch down in a corner cowering.
Or you could just not be such a wussy and run them over. If you get people like Hank Hill on your jury, "They were hippies," would be a legitimate defense.
I don't know. How do I get my own special credit cards and how much money would I get from that venture?
BTW, I like any new ideas that get me money as I like money. Oh, and buy my t-shirts.
Come on; do you think the customers would be happier if they got a two pound box?
I would take this as a learning experience: never trust anyone. They are all out to screw you. Thus, screw them first.
And always check the net weight.
Actually, I'm in the middle of reading the novel Starship Troopers as my brother told me it's much different from the movie. The book opens with quoting that phrase and crediting to an unknown platoon sergeant from 1918. He must have subscribed to the theory that humans should be placed in the same Family as the Great Apes... or he was just trying to make his platoon angry. And, it's good to be angry when you're going to be killing people. Just try killing someone when not angry. Quod Erat Demonstrandum.
Because you live in Canada. Crazy canucks always sticking things in their electrical sockets. Just don't cause a power grid failure down here again.
It's always hard when you have to commit a sister, but, no matter what her age, it shows extreme insanity to want to be a monkey. Luckily, electroshock therapy has been proven to cause increased distaste from monkeys. Even though scientists still aren't sure how it works, putting an electrical pulse through the brain increases monkey hatred. Though this will be distressing to your sister at first, in the end she will be happier... or, if not happier, at least hate monkeys, i.e., be hatier.
* * * *
Please keep the questions coming (I would especially like more science and math questions), e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.
May 19, 2004
I did it; it's working. So, I'm taking an actual lunch break at work (mmm... Taco Bell and Mountain Dew LiveWire). Yesterday, a commenter suggested I do a new Michael Moore letter, so here it is:
Dear Michael Moore,
BTW, I think Moore should take the advice from the last guy on this page.
I have a new advertiser - the blog Free Will. After you're done here, go check him out. He has the nearly not work safe picture of John Kerry's daughter from Cannes. Nice eye-candy, but that won't help him with the image of being a regular family guy.
Also, Right Wing Stuff is back for another month as an advertiser. Go check out their large selection of t-shirts and other merchandise.
I've gotten some good feedback from advertiser's on my click-thru rates. Please check out each of my advertisers at least once to keep that up.
I'm aiming for Friday for the continuation of Monday's IMW. As for tomorrow... who knows? Any requests?
UPDATE: BlogAds is having a survey about blog readers. Make sure to tell them IMAO sent you.
UPDATE II: Here's a Ted Rall meets Chomps cartoon. Maybe I should get mad about someone using my character without permission... but it's funny.
More on Music
Thanks for the music advice so far. What I'm really looking for are what are some good albums to buy (ones that don't have one or two worthwhile songs). BTW, what I have now is the Atomship album advertised on my site and I picked up from Best Buy yesterday Nirvana's Nevermind, P.O.D.'s Sattellite, Shinedown's Leave a Whisper (the newer albums are cheaper, and I can resist a song named ".45"), and the Matrix Reloaded Soundtrack (it's two disc, the first being songs from Marilyn Manson, P.O.D., Rage Against the Machine, etc. and the second the orchestrated soundtrack to the movie). Soundtracks to movies seem to be a good way to get a mix of music; any reccomendations there? Orchestrated soundtracks to me are good for when I'm reading and writing, but I want rock for work.
What I'm already planning on getting is some stuff from Offspring, the Beatles, The Doors, Mettalica (what's their best album?), and Johnny Cash (I grew up listening to my dad play that).
Again, any specific album suggestions would be really appreciated. You readers rock!
Frank Advice: Reaction Time
Been a little out of the loop lately on politics lately. Hopefully I should fix that soon, but, until then, why don't I comment on something social instead of political.
I'd like to talk about reaction time. When there is a sudden occurrence, you don't react immediately; instead there is a delay between when something happens and your brain realizes it and reacts. That's reaction time.
Now, here's a hypothetical: you're going eighty miles per hour as is the car in front of you, but your only three feet behind that car. If the driver of the car in front of you has to hit his breaks, will you be able to react in time?
No... SO GET OFF MY ASS!
Some people do not understand this concept... and probably won't even after the front of their car has been compacted like an accordion. These people are morons. Apparently, morons are in big hurries. Why, I don't know; what kind of place could be in dire and immediate need of morons?
Hey, I'm all for going into the right lane and letting the guy behind me pass since fifteen miles over apparently isn't enough for him, but sometime that isn't possible or wouldn't achieve anything.
Here's some info that must be quite new to some people: just because I'm a decent distance behind the person in front of me doesn't mean I'm going any slower. Actually, I'm matching the speed of that car, but, recognizing I have a "reaction time", I keep a proper following distance. Apparently, though, when some people see a gap ahead of the car in front of him, he says to himself, "This car goes slow. Me pass. Me go fast." And thus the driver precariously weaves in and out of the slower traffic in the right lane to get ahead of me, now going the exact same speed again but a few yards ahead of me in the line of cars. So, by risking his life and others and expending much gas in the acceleration, he's knocked approximately 10ms off his commute time. Congratu-f**king-lations!
Even worse, though, is when I have some idiot within inches of my bumper as we're both speeding on the highway, so I go into the right lane... AND HE DOESN'T GO ANY FASTER! Ends up he was driving that close not because he wanted to go any faster, but just because HE’S A RETARD! One of these days, I'm going to slam on my breaks and let my rear bumper collide with his empty skull.
Anyway, as we all know, cars have horns. They’re great for when someone cuts you off (though by the time I think of hitting the horn, the moment has past - again, reaction time). What America really needs is rear car horns. When someone is right up next to me, I want to blast him in the face with the loudest noise possible. Or hit him with an oil slick like with that car in Spy Hunter. It's all good.
In conclusion: GET OFF MY ASS!
May 18, 2004
Work Will Set You Free
Almost through the heavy spot in work. While I'm blogging less you can check out this new blog from Laurence Simon of the now defunct Amish Tech Support: Ted Rall Is Full of Crap (thanks to Right Wing News for pointing me to it). My opinion is that Ted Rall should be ignored, but Laurence makes not ignoring him so much fun!
BTW, Tuesday is new DVD day, and I found out today is the re-release of my all-time favorite movie (and, according to a sticker on the cover, Quentin Tarantino's favorite too), fully-restored with added footage: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly. The deleted scenes were in the Italian dub (which I had on my previous, now inferior DVD version), so they actually got Clint Eastwood and Eli Wallach (who, in my eyes, is the star of the movie) to redub the new scenes. Have it front of me now, as I stopped by Best Buy on the way home to pick it up. Sweeeet!
Also, I've now decided to start making a legal music collection to listen to at work. Any reccomendations, new groups and old? I like rock - none of that pansy-ass pop crap - and I'm trying to hone in on what are some good albums to start with.
Frank Political Predicitons: The Discovery of WMD's
So, I like heard we found WMD's in Iraq or something. To be honest, I had completely forgot we were even looking for those. Amongst rebuilding Iraq, fighting insurgents, the Abu Grahib scandal, and Nick Berg's death I guess the search for WMD's got lost in the shuffle. When it came on the news yesterday, I didn't even know what it stood for. "Is that a type of lubricant?"
Anyway, I'm too busy to watch the news to find out the fallout of this, but I'll just use my magical powers of political punditry to predict what will happen.
THE POLITICAL FALLOUT OF THE DISCOVERY OF WMD'S IN IRAQ
* All critics of George W. Bush will admit how wrong they are and send Bush a written apology. Bush will also get letters for Santa Claus from some confused children.
* Foreign countries will now declare themselves fools for doubting American and vow to be more American and less foreign. All anti-Americans left will be jailed as insane and given excessive electroshock therapy.
* In a desperate move to stop Bush, John Kerry will steal all the WMD's that were found. When the cops close in on him, he'll hide the stolen WMD's in his face.
* With Bush's new popularity, Michael Moore will go on an eating binge (somewhat distinguishable from his normal eating habits) and will have one donut too many causing him to implode and suck Cannes into a sweaty, unshaven singularity.
* The destruction of Michael Moore and Cannes will get a standing ovation.
* Ted Rall will make an offensive comic about WMD’s to try and get some attention for himself. It will be denounced throughout the blogosphere and noticed by no one else.
* At the mere mention of WMD's, France will declare an unconditional surrender to whoever will claim it first.
* No one will claim it.
* Seeing how great George W. Bush and the Republicans are, the Democratic Party will move out of the political business and instead go into catering.
* The Iraqi insurgents will decide they have gone too far and will now stop fighting Americans and instead vow to work hard with them to improve Iraq's future.
* We'll kill the insurgents anyway. Don't f**k with us.
* The remaining terrorists will be overrun by monkeys who will steal their WMD's. Damn you, terrorists, you've doomed us all! Damn you!
* Because of the accuracy of my predictions, I will be hailed as a genius and worshipped as a god. Religious service will be in the afternoon because I don't like to get up early.
May 17, 2004
Guess Where I'm Blogging From
I'm still at work, taking a little break while I wait for something to compile. Anyway, I'm still going to be real busy this week, so I'm just going to try to put out something new each morning and probably no extras until further notice.
Anyhoo, Darth Emperor Misha I has a nice rant about a scandal I heard about while groggily catching the news this morning. I'd comment about it, but no time!
Back to work...
In My World: War of the Worlds
"There are those who say I flip-flop," John Kerry said at a rally, "and I will say firmly that they are probably not correct."
The audience cheered for a moment, but was then stunned silent. Kerry then turned around to see hovering craft destroying the building behind him with lasers.
"Jeeves! What is that?" Kerry demanded.
"Appears to be alien attack craft, sir," Kerry's butler answered.
"During my rally!" Kerry yelled angrily, "Do they know who I am!"
A laser blast blew up the stage sending him flying through the air.
"Apparently not, sir."
* * * *
"Oh, they’re all such good singers," Bush whined, "I don't know who to vote for as American Idol!"
Suddenly the image of Simon Cowell was replaced with the hideous visage of an alien being. It had a large green head, bug eyes, and long, sharp, needle-like teeth.
"Ahh! I'm not voting for that guy!" Bush exclaimed.
"I am the evil alien warlord Xanax," it announced, "Puny beings of earth - especially your masters, the Americans - heed my warning: surrender now or be destroyed."
"Why does everything have to happen during my presidency," Bush grumbled.
* * * *
"I've called this emergency meeting in this war room because of the alien attack," Bush announced.
"Well, duh," Condi remarked.
"I remember that in Independence Day a president dealt with a similar situation," Bush said, "and defeated the aliens by connecting to their mothership with a Mac computer and giving it a computer virus. So, is anyone here a Mac user?"
No one raised a hand.
"Dammit!" Bush exclaimed, "Guess we'll have to use a different strategery."
Out of the shadows emerged the hooded figure of Karl Rove. "Defeating this alien menace could improve your poll numbers," Rove stated, "While failing to defeat them could mean the end of humanity."
"I have seen the poll numbers," Bush said, "and it almost unanimous that the American people do not want to be enslaved. Why, the 'No the Blood for the Salvation of Humanity' protest out front of the White House only got about a hundred participants. Let's see what are military has to say about this." Bush put General Abizaid on speaker phone. "We need some troops to take on these aliens."
"Oh, it's the military to the rescue once again," Abizaid said angrily, "We're already handling Afghanistan and Iraq; can't you jokers handle one alien invasion yourself?"
"But they're scary looking!" Bush complained.
"And you're a little pansy," Abizaid answered.
"I'll show you!" Bush yelled, "I'll handle these aliens all by myself." He hung up the phone. "Guess we're on our own. Zatoichi, you're a blind samurai; you must have some idea how to fight invading aliens."
"The alien's support is all behind their leader," Ichi answered, "If we defeat him, they will be dishonored and leave."
"Sounds like a place to start," Bush stated, "So, Rumsfeld, you're always violent and angry; any ideas on how to defeat the alien warlord?"
"I don't like this sci-fi crap," Rumsfeld growled, "Let's just all grab a brick, smash their heads in, and then go to a bar and get some whiskey. First round is on me."
"So capture their leader or smash their heads in with bricks," Bush thought out loud. He was interrupted by the phone ringing. Bush looked at the caller ID. "Dammit, it's Kofi Anan." He answered the phone. "What do you want, Coffee?"
"We were negotiating with Xanax, and he is very reasonable," Kofi answered, "If we agree to surrender, he says he'll make us leaders work slaves on the nice asteroids."
"I'm not working on any asteroid," Bush said angrily.
"Well, Chirac is planning on representing earth in an official surrender to Xanax," Kofi said, "and you know how adamant the French are about their surrendering."
"Well, you tell him to hold on or we'll smash his head in with a brick," Bush threatened and then hung up the phone. "We can't let that weasely Chirac surrender earth for us! I won't be the first president to have humanity enslaved by aliens... and the last."
* * * *
"It's is I, the weasely, foul smelling President of France," Chirac announced as he entered the U.N. conference.
"Excellent," Xanax hissed, "Now just sign the papers enslaving all of humanity. And make sure to initial where marked... and do it quickly as the notary public is only here until five."
Chirac stood near the paper and bent over it ready to sign, but then he stopped. "I don't think I will sign this." Chirac stood up and faced Xanax. He then ripped off his mask to reveal he was in fact President Bush. "Instead, I'm going to give you and old-fashioned Texas ass-whup'n!" Bush put on a
"It's the American President!" Xanax exclaimed angrily.
"And you misunderestimated me!" Bush answered, putting on a cowboy hat and going into a whup'n stance.
A number of alien guards armed with laser rifles rushed out and surrounded Bush. "Did you think it would be that easy!" laughed Xanax, "I've conquered many worlds before - some of them inhabited - and you're simple 'whup'n' is no match for my alien technology!"
"Should have gone with the brick idea," Bush grumbled.
* * * *
"We surrender to you, our evil alien master!" Chirac yelled as he bowed down.
"My name is Ed, and this my gas station."
Chirac stood back up. "Are you sure you're not an evil alien overlord."
"That Bush has gotten between me and surrender for the last time!" Chirac swore, "The France has wanted to surrender the whole world since its existence, and I will finally see it through and no one can stop me!"
"So are you going to buy some gas or not?"
* * * *
"Now that the stupid American president is prisoner on our mothership," Xanax said as Bush was tossed into a cell, "The world will lose its will to resist and easily fall. Muh ha ha ha!"
The cell door was shut, and the Xanax and the guards walked off. "You may think you captured the stupid America president," Bush said, and then took off his mask. "But you've actually captured his gullible Press Secretary." Scott McClellan then spoke into his hidden communications device. "Tubby is in the donut factory. I repeat: Tubby is in the donut factory."
"Good job, Scott," Bush answered.
"So what's next?"
"Oh... well... uh... plans are fluid at this moment."
"You don't have plans, do you?" Scott exclaimed.
"Well, we figured for whatever plans we are going to have, getting someone on the mothership is a good start. So what do you see?"
"The walls of my cell!" Scott answered with annoyance.
"We'll start with that. So... you wouldn't happen to have a nuclear device on you, would you?"
"Did you check all your pockets?"
"Well, Scott, hang in there. We're going to work tirelessly on a plan to get you out." There was a pause for a moment. "Yeah, Scott is pretty much screwed, Condi. So, do you want to play foosball? …What? The mike is still on? How do I turn it off. Do I hit this button. Whoops! I think that launched missiles. Well hopefully no one will notice with the alien attack… Oh, so it's this button to turn off the..."
May 14, 2004
Our Military XV
Here are some more great military stories; I hope everyone else is enjoying these as much as I do. As for the response on why people joined the military, I'm going to organize and pose those later. If you'd like to add to that or have a story, e-mail me with the subject "Military". Thanks.
* * * *
Here are some non-sordid interrogation stories from jg:
Our team during the Gulf War (1991) had received a Tank Brigade Commander – we didn’t have a lot of details on him on the time, and he was proving difficult to break. We tried a harsh approach and he wasn’t impressed. Mutt and Jeff didn’t work. So there we were carrying on for about a half hour – none of us spoke Arabic and we had an interpreter, so imagine a bunch of gringo’s and an interpreter being theatrical (Doom! Doom!) with this COL, who was taking it pretty well. I guess we all ran out of breath and in the pause, the guy says, in perfect Oxford English, “Your aircraft destroyed all my tanks, just look outside your tent and you can see where they all are!” We felt like dolts and shoo’d him back into the holding area.
Not only Americans served in Viet Nam. There were Australians, South Koreans and lots of Canadians. One Canadian was a guy on my team. Good guy, good soldier. He was a little crazy, though. One time out at an FOB, he walked into the commo room with a North Vietnamese grenade and proceeded to take it apart. Those grenades were notoriously unreliable and guys actually jumped out the windows ‘cause it could have gone off – fortunately for Dave, it didn’t. Another time, we were in the Club at Chi Lang and some guy walked in who had a .410 shotgun made into a pistol. Dave was mightily impressed and, after a long examination of the weapon, asked the guy if he could fire it.
I've got a good one for you about one certain incident that occurred during a patrol I was part of in 1967, near Nha Trang. My platoon had been dispatched to a remote stretch of jungle, and were humping along. For three hours, we saw and heard nothing but the trade mark pitch blackness that was Vietnam at night. We had gone about two clicks away from our infil point where the Huey had dropped us off when the point man gave us the hold sign, by throwing up his clutched fist. Apparently, he had heard "clicking bamboo," the signal the VC used to communicate. Our LT got on the radio, and had the artillery boys in the rear throw up three flares. Instantly, the pitch black was turned to noon in Texas. My detachment found ourselves nearly face to face with 15 or 20 of the dreaded Viet Cong. A firefight naturally ensued, and we shot every single bullet from every clip and chain we had on us, as did our fearsome enemy. About fifteen minutes later, silence soon overtook us. LT had a few more flares put in the air, and we checked our men. As we were doing this, so were the VC. Not a single soldier from either side had so much as a scratch on us. Both realized this at the same time, looked at each other with a "WTF?" expression on each of our faces, and stood there for about 30 seconds. Soon, both platoons raised their hands, and slowly backed away. After that night. I knew that I'd come home alive. I don't know, and never will, how we escaped that, but I will forever thank God for his protection on that night.
This is Jeff from Connecticut. I'd be more specific, but Connecticut is so freakin' tiny, everyone knows me here. Here's my military story:
Help! I'm Trapped at Work!
I had to work late lastnight, and, right now, am in work on what's supposed to be a day off. Anyway, I'm afraid I had no time to get any post together. Hopefully I'll be out of here by the afternoon and I'll put something up for the weekend.
Anyway, I hear people are getting their Nuke the Moon t-shirts. Hooray! Have fun with them, and I can't wait to see for Peace Gallery photos. Hopefully we'll have SarahK's modeling photos of all the shirts soon.
Also, I just learned from American Rifleman that Glock has made it's own .45 cartridge (the .45 G.A.P.). Why did no one inform me of this blasphemy? Bad readers?
Back to work...
May 13, 2004
Work, Frank, Work
Got home really late yesterday, had to come in early this morning, and thus had to use about all the freetime I had to write that IMW I promised. So nothing this afternoon as I didn't have time to organize the military stories I've received (and I have some good ones, including some people's essays on why they joined and interrogation stories from a good military iterrorgator). I'll have that tomorrow with a new humor post as I (should) have that day off.
A commenter, Jenny, mentioned the idea of you all pitching in so I could make a living wage off this blog and devote all my time to it. That's not too bad an idea. Why don't you all get working on that while I get back to my job.
In My World: Buck Likes His Head
"There's nothing better than a good sandwich at an Iraqi cafe after a good day of kill'n for'ners," Buck the Marine said as he sat down at an outside table.
A man wearing a mask approached him pointing an AK-47. "We have captured you, American! Now you are out hostage! Soon you will..."
Buck reholstered is .45. "Always while I'm eating," Buck grumbled, "Now my sandwich is going to taste like gunpowder." He stared at his sandwich for a moment. "Mmm... gunpowder."
A dozen more armed terrorists surrounded Buck. "You are captured, American!" one yelled.
"Dagnabbit," Buck swore, "Shoulda listened to the Commanding Officer when he told us to use the buddy system."
* * * *
Laura Bush tried to read a romance novel, but the lights kept randomly dimming. She left the bedroom to track down the cause. Soon she found her husband standing outside a locked door. As the lights dimmed, she could hear a scream behind the door. As they came back on, she could here incoherent mumbling with a thick Bostonian accent. "Are you torturing Ted Kennedy with electroshocks?" Laura accused Bush.
"He started it!" Bush answered defensively, "He said we're as bad as the Saddam torturers, so I wanted to show him he’s wrong by exposing him to real Saddam torture so he could learn the difference."
"Has he learned anything?" Laura asked.
Bush shrugged his shoulders. "Can't understand a damn thing he's saying."
"Well, it's starting to bother me, dear," Laura said firmly, "I can't read with the lights going on and off like this."
"Sorry, but it took more electricity to shock Big Fat Teddy K than we thought 'cause he's so corpulent."
"You are using that word a day calendar!" Laura exclaimed. She then kissed Bush on the cheek. "Know what? It's a nice day out, so I'll go read outside until you're through with your politics in here."
"Thanks, honey," Bush said as Laura walked off. He then looked at the locked door. "Fry, fatty, fry!" Scott McClellan then walked up. "I wasn't talking to you," Bush said, "You're 'Tubby'. Kennedy is 'Fatty'."
"I have some news for you," Scott said quite seriously, "one of our troops has been taken hostage by terrorists."
"What!" Bush shouted angrily, "Let's use everything at our disposal to get him back! We'll show those stinky terrorists a thing or two! So who was captured?"
"Buck... the Marine."
"Oh, he can take care of himself," Bush said, calming down, "Let's go play Parcheesi."
"Okay," Scott answered, and then glanced at the locked door, "but shouldn't you turn off that thing shocking the Senator first?"
"How the hell would I know? You think I'm torture expert or something?" He then slapped Scott across the head. "Everyone always thinks the worst of me."
* * * *
"Who are you people?" Buck asked. He was tied up and seated in the center of a group of masked men. "There's only two types of people who wear masks: Batman and bad people... and none of you look like Batman." He squinted at them menacingly. "Actually, you look... FOREIGN!"
"Quiet, infidel!" one of the terrorists shouted. He then held a piece of paper in front of Buck. "You will read this for the camera."
"You can torture me all you want by forcing me to read," Buck said firmly, "but I won't give up any information... even if you make me read something by Toni Morrison."
"We do not want information from you," answered the head terrorists, "We will behead you in front of a camera in vengeance for what the abuse at Abu Najib."
"Wasn't that Abu Ghraib?" Buck asked.
The terrorist looked confused. "Whatever. We just like cutting off people's heads while shouting like deranged howler monkeys, okay?"
"But I like my head!" Buck protested, "I use it for all sorts of things... like headbutting. Come closer for a sec."
The terrorist did, and then Buck headbutted him. "See?" Buck said. "How can you deny pleasures like that from a man? Do you people have any decency?"
"No!" the terrorist yelled, "We only like killing and shouting because of Allah and jooos and some such crap. Now, someone find something good for cutting his head off."
"We could use this," said one terrorist, holding up a knife.
"That's my KaBar!" Buck shouted, "You never touch another man's KaBar!"
"We will kill you with your own knife," the terrorist laughed, "Now untie him and hold him down for the camera."
Buck looked skyward. "I'm in trouble," Buck said in silently prayer, "These are some of the worst for'ners yet, and I need your wisdom, Grandpappy, on getting out of this."
"I will give you a plan that has served many a Marine well in this situation," answered Jebediah the Marine, "When they untie you, kill them all."
"Semper Fi, Grandpappy."
* * * *
"Thank you for tuning into Al Jazeera, now with almost as much anti-American and anti-Jew propaganda as The Guardian," the anchorman said, "We have heard that al Qaeda has captured yet another American and will behead him in vengeance for the abuse of prisoners at Abu Ghraib. Let's enjoy."
The tape started rolling, and on screen were the terrorists being chased by Buck with his KaBar. "Let's see how you like having your heads cut off!" he yelled.
"Save us, Allah!" screamed one of the terrorists.
"Cut them pig f**kers!" spoke Allah from up high, "Yee-haw!"
"Cut the tape!" yelled the anchorman. He then looked to the camera nervously and said, "I guess we're having some technical difficulties." He adjusted his collar and then added while shaking his fist, "Technical difficulties because of the jooooos!"
* * * *
"We're you hurt at all?" General Abizaid asked Buck.
"All that screaming and yelling gave me a headache," Buck admitted. "What it was worst on was my KaBar, which I think I'll need to replace."
"The Japanese ambassador would like to have a congratulatory word with you," Abizaid said.
"For being taken hostage, you are very dishonorable," the ambassador said. He then spit on Buck's boots.
"Hardass," Buck uttered as the ambassador walked off.
"And now I would like to award you with the molybdenum star," Abizaid said as he placed the medal on Buck's dress blues, "This somewhat prestigious award is given anytime a Marine avoids decapitation in a public forum and then proceeds to decapitate the enemy in return. Now, don't throw it over a wall, because you only get one."
A phone was brought out to Buck. "The President would like to have a word with you," Abazaid announced.
Buck picked up the receiver. "Congratulations," President Bush said, "on escaping the terrorists and then beheading a dozen of them."
"A baker's dozen, sir," Buck corrected.
"Anyway, if I could ask a favor of you," Bush continued, "If my wife asks, I was playing poker with you last night."
"But I was with the terrorist then, sir."
"Fine. We were all playing poker. They're dead, so they can't refute the story."
"Okay, sir." Buck hung up the phone and then took out a piece of paper. "I would like to read a speech I prepared." He cleared his throat. "People should have their heads, and it is wrong for anyone to want to take them away. Anyone who is so evil... so foreign... as to want to cut off people heads and celebrate should have their own heads removed. The terrorists I done cut the heads off of did not like it very much. I hope they learned a lesson from that which will serve them well in for'ner hell where they are surely being sniped by my Grandpappy up in Marine Heaven using the M1-Garand we done buried him with.
"Some people say we should understand the terrorists; I just say we should understand where they are so we can kill them. The world will be a better place when all bad people are headless... or, as seen from another perspective, body-less.
"And one more thing..." Buck looked confused for a moment. "Can't even read my own dang handwriting," he grumbled. After starting at it for a moment, he finally exclaimed, "Oh yeah:
May 12, 2004
Babe War Update
After 1 day, IMAO is firmly in the lead in the babe war since WizBang has yet to have t-shirts for sale. I assume, things will heat up when he has t-shirts and I have modeling photos, but I just wanted to mention I'm off to a good start.
Sorry I don't have anytime to give you anything this afternoon, but I have plans for an In My World™ tomorrow. Later, foo's.
Frank Ideas for the Bush Reelection Campaign
Out of pity, I gave some advice to John Kerry, but here is some even better advice for President Bush. I want him to win reelection so that terrorists continue to die and my taxes continue to get cut - things quite important to me. So, if you're President Bush, please read and consider this advice carefully. Everyone else, you can just ignore.
* Flying Fists of Death: In a world full of terrorism, the world needs a kung fu president. You should train night and day on your kung fu skills. When it's time for a debate, as soon as Kerry makes a cheap shot at you, you can say, "I will not stand here and be dishonored!" Then flip over in front of him and use your spinning dragon punch to shatter Kerry's podium and send him flying backwards.
"Ah! My French-lookingness!"
* Cheerio: Some people make fun of the way you talks. Well, here is and easy way around it. You could just lip-sync while Tony Blair does all your speeches for you.
"For my next trick, I will use my dry, English wit to berate my opponent while I sip this cup of tea. Cheerio."
* The Bounty Hunter: Alternately, improve on your cowboy image by always wearing a cowboy hat, having a piece of straw hanging out of your mouth, and having six-shooters at your sides. Anytime a reporter is disrespect'n you, shoot the microphone out of his hand and then shoot at his feet while yelling, "Dance!"
People like a take charge kind of guy, so you should have a photo-op where you come out holding a lever-action rifle followed by your cabinet dressed up as your posse. Then you rip an "Osama bin Laden: Wanted Dead or Alive" poster off the wall and announce, "I'm going to catch that varmint myself!" Let's see someone haughty and aloof do that.
* Mr. Nice Guy: People seem to not like prisoner abuse, so why don't they videotape you standing next to an Iraqi prisoner for twelve hours and not abusing him. Then people will be like, "Wow, what a nice guy that President Bush is, not abusing that prisoner or cutting off his ears and making a necklace out of it like Kerry would."
* War Upon War: War helps the Republicans because it makes the American public focus on what’s really important, so you should start another war just before the election to help yourself out. If people start saying, "Hey! You only started that war to help yourself!" then start yet another war to distract from that scandal. Repeat until Election Day.
* The Patriot Act: A lot of people seem to be afraid of the Patriot Act but not know exactly what it authorizes, so tell people you'll be able to use the Patriot Act to hunt down all people who vote for John Kerry and then hook up electrodes to them where people wouldn't want electrodes hooked up.
“No tinfoil hat will help you now! Muh ha ha ha!”
* Just Because: Nuke France. Not sure how it will help the campaign, but I never heard a good reason not to nuke France. Just make sure, that, when asked if you nuked France to help your campaign, to answer, "Oui." The American public will appreciate the candor.
* The Grand Slam: What's the American pastime? That's right: football. Unfortunately, the timing of that is not right for the presidential election, so we'll have to go with baseball instead. Usually the president will throw out a pitch or something, but I have a better idea. Let me set the scene for you:
It's the bottom of the ninth of the World Series, and the underdog American are down by three runs against the new radical, Islamist, anti-American team - the Jihadists - that was added this season. There are two outs on the board and bases are loaded. "I only have to strike out one more infidel batter, and the Americans will see that we radical Muslims are superior! Allahu Akbar!" sneers the pitcher - a known terrorist.
Man, what a photo-op to end all photo-ops. I'm not sure how hard that will be to set up, but I'm just the idea man; task this one to your overworked political campaign staffers.
May 11, 2004
Our Military XIV
Here are some more stories. I've already gotten some accounts of why people joined the military and will put them up soon, but I would like more. So, if you have a military story or want to explain your reasons for joining the military, e-mail me with the subject "Military". Thanks.
* * * *
Chad sent me this letter from Iraq which has an interesting connection with the current controversy:
A feller who used to babysit me when I was a peck has been over in Iraq for quite awhile now. He sent this letter to his dad, who forwarded it to me.
I was drafted into the Army in 1966. I took my basic training at Ft. Leonardwood, MO. I was in awe at the drill instructors. Not so much at their so-called toughness, but by what those guys would say. One day while we were standing in single file outside of the mess hall, waiting for one of those wonderful meals, one of them yelled this: "Awwwwwllllright in that chow line, I want to see you assholes to bellybuttons, if the man in front of you ain't smiling, you ain't close enough." I just about split a gut.
Drew has this story about snipe hunts and things just sound like them:
As a young airman at my first base I was very aware of the snipe hunts devised for young troops, things like finding 50 gallons of prop wash or 100 feet of flightline. I'm suspicious by nature and was determined not to fall for one of these tricks. One day I was told to bring a tool kit to the marshalling area for deployment. The NCO inspecting items before loading took one look at my tool kit and told me I needed a non-flammable gas sticker on my fire extinguisher. To me this was a pretty obvious snipe hunt...but it wasn't. I really had to get that damn non-flammable sticker. Are you sure a simple compressed gas sticker wouldn't do? Oh no, we had to make sure that fire extinguisher was properly labeled non-flammable.
Military Rank Guide ===================
Alea Iacta Est
I give free humor and I don't ask for much - just check out my advertisers and buy my t-shirts.
Now Wizbang, former Puppy Blender lackey and enemy of IMAO and all things good, has stolen the IMAO T-Shirt Babe first runner up and is using her as his own t-shirt babe. He thinks Willow can out babe SarahK and sell more t-shirts than me!
This can not stand.
Hopefully we'll soon get SarahK's modeling photos and put Wizbang his appropriate place. Also, I could sure use the help from the other runner ups. IMAO must be the only blog known for t-shirts and babes, and all other attempted usurpers must perish.
Let the babe war begin.
I Love IMAO So I Click on Its Ads
I've got some new advertisers. Larry Diedrich is running for congress in South Dakota - Daschle's home turf - and he needs your help. Snark Bait is a really well done blog worth checking out (one of these days, maybe I should pay to fancy up my site). Infidel Apparel has renewed its ad. If you want to proudly declare yourself an "Al Kufr" (The Infidel) on a t-shirt and many other slogans in Arabic, there’s only one place to go.
Also, I kept going to the Atomship site ("Enter the Rabbit") so much to listen to the music samples that I went ahead and ordered the CD. That's like the first music CD I've bought for myself since... uh... well... when was it mp3's were invented? Anyway, maybe I can do a music review of it. That would make me cool.
I give free humor and I don't ask for much - just check out my advertisers and pat yourself on the back for being a good ronin.
Frank Thoughts on Abu Ghraib and the Election
Man, things are looking troubling for Bush, especially with this Abu Ghraib prison thing. I just hope we all learned some lessons from it:
1. Don't abuse prisoners.
And whose idea was this? Why does someone suddenly say, "Hey! Let's strip the prisoners naked and stack them. Nothing's better than stacked, naked prisoners!"
So is this going to mean more Americans are going to turn against the war? When the anti-war left couldn't convince people with saying the body count over and over, are people finally going to think Iraq was a bad idea because they saw a naked guy with a bag on his head?
Maybe; I just don't know. I'm no pundit (though I play one on the internet), but I'm starting to get worried about there being a John Kerry presidency and what that will mean for America, the war on terror, Iraq, and, most importantly, IMAO. Will Kerry handle evil of the world with a velvet glove, or will he regain his admitted war criminal spirits and unleash his vengeance on the terrorists to the point it makes Abu Ghraib look like Disney World? Probably the former, but we can always hope.
Who am I kidding? We're screwed! Terrorists bombs are going to be going off everywhere, and Kerry's going to be sitting in some underground bunker finding the most nuanced approach to things with much consultation by the French. I need to get my AR-15 with 90rd. drum magazine soon and barricade my windows (though that goes against the home owner's association). If someone is good with a sniper rifle, you can watch the golf course where I think they'll attack from. When the attack is over, I'll form a new government with my house being the capitol and I being el presidente. BTW, blogging may be light as I try to restore order from chaos.
Anyway, Bush better get himself out of this mess because I don't want my blogging to be light. I hear there are even worse pictures out there, so he has to preemptively do something about them. Maybe before they come out, he could say, "Yeah, these new pictures are pretty bad... and really gay. You can see them if you want... if you're gay."
That will keep a lot of people from checking out the pictures. Now he needs to further turn people against Kerry. We already know he may or may not support the troops, may or may not drive an SUV, and may or may not have thrown away his war medals, but we should also let it be known that he may or may not be a hermaphrodite, may or may not be the Parkside Strangler, and he may or may not be for blowing up Americans. I'm sure it should be easy to get a little sound bite out of him as he tries to be nuanced and say in a very haughty and French-like way, "I was for blowing up Americans... before I was against it... or vice versa. By the way, I served in Vietnam."
It's going to be an all out slugfest as we approach November, so I'll soon have to come up with some campaign tips for Bush to ensure victory (especially since I already did for his nemesis). Until then, just be on the safe side and stock up on ammo and not let any terrorists in your house no matter how nice they ask.
May 10, 2004
New Military Topic and Announcements
* I still have more military stories to post, but I have a new topic I'd like to hear from people in the military about. There has been a lot of talk about how we need the draft because it's only the poor who can't get any other jobs joining up. I know financial reasons do play in the decision for some, but I'd like to hear from my readers with military experience what honestly led you to join the military. Just e-mail me with the subject "Military". My brother has a pretty interesting response to that about why he joined the Marines and hopefully I can get him to write it down.
* I've been hella busy lately, at work and at home, and I'm far behind on a number of things including e-mail. First, I still owe a little something for all the participants in the IMAO T-Shirt Babe competition (and it is just a little something), and I hope to get that sent out tonight or tomorrow.
* I seem to become the king of coming up with ideas and not following through. I just can't think of another target and mission for the ronin, and I think I'm going to have to let that go unless someone else wants to pick up the torch of making the secret missions. I really need to focus on the basics... just my blog posts.
Oh, and t-shirts. It looks like the Nuke the Moon t-shirts are ready to ship.
* Rachel Lucas is back to ranting! All is right in the world!
* Just as a note on today's IMW (though I'm sure all Frank Fans already realized this), the camerawoman is a rehash of a throwaway joke from this older IMW. Also, here's the petition from the official John Kerry website to have Rumsfeld resign.
* Finally, imaginary monkeys hate me. Good.
In My World: When Stranglers Attack
Most dogs saw in black and white; Chomps saw everything is shades of red. The brighter the red, the more it angered him. The world to him was nothing but a collection of entities begging for destruction. Some things would not move when he tore them apart. Things that didn't move angered him. Some things would try and get away when he tore them apart. Things that moved angered him. What's angered Chomps most though was time. Time limited how many things he could destroy, and because of time he had to carefully choose what to inflict his anger upon.
Around Chomps now were objects he was only mildly angry at. He was familiar with these things, and chose to focus his anger elsewhere. One entity in the room was different, though. Instead of Chomps feeling anger at it, he could feel its anger. This was one of those moving things, and it had Chomps's respect. This kindred spirit stood up above Chomps and walked out the door of the building. Chomps followed for a bit, but he decided whatever angered this thing was for it to destroy. Chomps then searched for his own thing to destroy.
There it was. There was what made him the most angry today. There was what must no longer exist.
* * * *
"I'm a reporter, let me in," Melinda Hawkish demanded. The murder scene was filled with cops. On the floor of the house lay a body covered in a sheet. "Make sure you point the right end of the camera this time," Melinda reminded her camerawoman.
"Hey, we're doing serious work in here," the Detective Ian Competent yelled as he paused the victim's Playstation. "This is a murder scene, ya know!"
"And I'm from Fox News, the most watched and respected news outlet," Melinda asserted, "and we want answers. We hear there have been a series of murders tonight."
"There are murders all the time," Ian said as he walked to the victim's fridge and took out a beer, "and people think we have to solve them all or something. It's crazy."
"But I hear there were eight murders so far tonight, all stranglings," Melinda told him, "Do you think there is any connection?"
"We've found no connection whatsoever," Ian said as he then went to victim's DVD collection and started rummaging through them. "The only evidence is that piece of paper lying next to the victim that says, 'Petition for Donald Rumsfeld to Resign' of which the first eight names - all crossed off - are these eight strangling victims." Ian pulled out a DVD. "This guy actually bought Captain Ron?"
Melinda walked over to look at the piece of paper as the camerawoman followed. "So are you going to dust this for prints?" Melinda asked Ian.
Ian started laughing as he put DVD's into his briefcase. "Get a load of this girl," he said to nearby cop, "Wants us to 'dust for prints'. She's seen too many cop shows on T.V."
"Do you have any suspects at least?" Melinda asked angrily.
"When we got here, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld had his hands around the victim's throat," Ian told her, "and he said he hadn't seen anyone else in the apartment. So, no, we have no suspects. We'll probably just plant evidence on a minority and arrest him... standard police procedure."
"Do you think it may be..." Melinda hesitated for a moment. "...The Rumsfeld Strangler?"
"That's just an urban legend," Ian answered angrily. "Now get out of here. This guy has nothing good to eat, and we want to close up this murder scene."
Donald Rumsfeld then walked into the room. "I left a piece of paper here." He scanned the room. "There it is," he said as he picked up the petition next to the victim. He then kicked the victim and walked out of the apartment.
"Let's get out of here," Melinda's camerawoman said, "Dead people are creepy."
"We're not done tonight," Melinda answered, "We're going to find the Rumsfeld Strangler ourselves, and then I'll be known as the greatest reporter. I might even get to take Geraldo’s place."
"Eww," the camerawoman remarked, "I wouldn't want to have to grow a mustache like him."
"Idiot," Melinda remarked, "Come on."
* * * *
Melinda and the camerawoman hid behind some bushes as they watched a hippy walk by. "Why are we filming him again?" the camerawoman asked.
"He was the next name on that list," Melinda whispered back, "I think the Rumsfeld Strangler may be after him."
"Strangler's are scary," the camerawoman complained, "Sometime I wish I kept my job at Hooters."
"Just shut up and keep filming," Melinda ordered.
The hippy strolled by and was soon approached by Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. He held of a piece of paper out to the hippy. "Is this your signature?" Rumsfeld asked.
"Yeah, dude," the hippy answered, "They like abused the prisoners in Iraq, and so Rumsfeld needs to... ack... urk..."
Rumsfeld hands were firmly squeezing the hippy's neck. "Stop!" Melinda shouted as she ran forward.
"Why?" Rumsfeld demanded as he continued to strangle the hippy.
"He's our only lead to finding the Rumsfeld Strangler."
"I don't have time for this nonsense," Rumsfeld answered as he dropped the dead hippy. "Normally I'm all for strangling reporters, but I have this long list of other people strangle first. So I'll have to kill you later." Rumsfeld then walked down the street until he disappeared into the shadows.
"Now we'll never find the Rumsfeld Strangler," Melinda whined.
"I know!" the camerawoman exclaimed, "Maybe, in a way, the Rumsfeld Strangler is each and every one of us."
"No, but you're an idiot," Melinda growled, "Now let's get some sleep and then go to the zoo in the morning. We'll push someone into the bear pen and film that for a Fox special we'll call 'When Reporters Need Ratings'."
* * * *
As Rumsfeld neared home, he pulled off his black strangling gloves and put them in his jacket pocket. A block before his house, he found Chomps surrounded by small torn pieces of paper and little bits of blue metal. The dog continued to take each piece and tear them into two, even smaller halves.
Rumsfeld pet Chomps on the head. "I think you destroyed that mailbox enough."
Chomps spit out a piece of metal and then followed Rumsfeld home. What Rumsfeld knew that the dog didn't was, by the principles of physics, nothing could ever be destroyed. And it was good Chomps didn't know that, because it would only make him angry.
May 07, 2004
* I have a new ad in my blog ads. I'd tell you what it’s about, but it's so neat and mysterious. Anyway, click on it and check it out because it's pretty cool.
* Right Wing News has a good round up of the human side of President George W. Bush. Makes a stark contrast to the phoniness of John Kerry.
* I'll have a new secret message for my ronin soon. Wait for it...
Frank and the John Kerry Campaing: Help Sue
Yeah, fisking an e-mail meant for the most partisan Democrats is like shooting fish in a barrel, but it's Friday and I'm lazy. For reference, I received this one yesterday.
They know my name!
On your block there's a woman named Sue. Like you, she supports John Kerry. Like you, she's appalled at the future George Bush is creating for her children. But unlike you, she's not going to vote on November 2nd.
Holy crap! The John Kerry campaign is spying on my neighborhood! How do you know about Sue? I don't even know my neighbors. They're mainly seniors and I think they look at me as "that weird twelve-year-old who owns a house".
So what is this? Are you threatening Sue for not voting? I need to find her and warn her!
Why won't she vote? Maybe because she doesn't know where her polling place is. Or maybe it will just slip her mind between getting kids to school and rushing to work. There are millions of people like Sue and they are the folks who will decide this election.
Oh, Sue's a moron; that's why she's not voting. Yeah, sometimes morons do tend to miss those little things called "Presidential Elections" despite all the news coverage since, ya know, they don't watch or read the news... being a moron.
So morons are going to decide the election? That's sad... but good for Kerry!
You are the only one who can tell Sue where her polling place is and do whatever ever [Ed. Note: For those who criticize my grammar mistakes, I’m not being paid by a presidential campaign to write this] it takes to get her to the polls on Election Day. If you don't, who will? The only way we will take back the White House this election is by having Kerry volunteers in every precinct looking for the Sues on their blocks and getting them out to vote.
What if Sue is not a her? What if he's a boy named Sue? Do you still want him at the polls, or am I supposed to go door to door looking for only female Sue's? Can I dress up like the terminator when I do it and ask at each door, "Are Sue O'Conner?" and then say, "Come with me if you want to vote!"?
Hey, I got a great slogan for this movement: “If morons get to the polls, Kerry wins.”
Whether you can help for only one hour on Election Day -- or full time for the entire campaign -- we need you on our team.
I'm planning to keep my help less than ten minutes as I just go and check off anything and everything with an 'R' next to its name.
We're building a field program that gives you what you need to be most effective: plans and direction, materials, training, and connections with other volunteers and campaign staff. This is going to be the most exciting field campaign in a generation.
Wow! That's exactly what I would need to sabotage the Kerry campaign.
Yes.... hand it over...
You can trust me…
But it won't happen without you.
Muh ha ha ha!
Are you in?
Sure, I want to do all I can to help Kerry (wink wink).
Will you ask your friends to join us? Forward this email so that they can sign up, too.
I don't know if you'll like my friends... but I'll show them this e-mail (everyone reading it?).
Or take this effort offline by visiting our recruiting center to print signup sheets to bring on board friends, family, and neighbors who might not use the email as frequently as you do. Just click here:
How do you know I use e-mail frequently? All this spying on me is starting to freak me out! Then again, I do like clicking on random hyperlinks...
And I do like ellipses…
Kerry volunteers will be responsible for getting out the vote in every precinct across the country.
Give me all of Florida; I can handle it. I promise!
In addition to saving America by winning this election,
Whoa! Slow down there, Chachi! "Saving" America? Are you implying that without Kerry's tepid leadership, America will collapse? Yeah, riiiight.
Kerry volunteers are going to have a ton of fun.
Since saving America is not enough to motivate us, you need to promise us fun, too!
Our field program is a chance for all of us to meet others in our communities who share our values and the passion to make a difference.
Kerry supporters have passion? I guess opposites attract.
We're already more than 600,000 strong, and we've set a goal to reach one million this month. The Bush campaign has had four years to build, but we're quickly catching up. Forward this email and ask your friends to sign up. Or print the signup form right here:
Don't worry; I'll get those next 400,000 for you. Just sit there and wait for me to print out the form.
...I'll tell you when I'm done. Just wait.
Wow! Are you related to Chuck Norris? Wait, he's a Republican… and a Texas Ranger.
Please do not reply to this message. To contact John Kerry for President, please click here.
One of these days I'm going to reply to one of these e-mails. Maybe it will crash their whole campaign! Muh ha ha ha!
May 06, 2004
Rachel Lucas is back!
She was gone long enough from the blogosphere to be declared legally dead. I owe alot - ALOT - to Rachel Lucas and really hope she'll get back in the game. For those unfamiliar with her, at least you can go see her archives now.
Our Military XIII
I want to keep this feature going, but I'm nearly out of stories. So, if you have a military story, e-mail me with the subject "Military". Thanks.
* * * *
Here's a Marine's praise for patriotic civilians in Iraq. A great story:
I was sent to do some work in Baghdad and billeted at the CPA headquarters in the Green Zone. The CPA headquarters was an eclectic collection of people from all over the world -from Ambassador Bremer to the Gurhka guarding the door it was a strange brew indeed. One day I sat down for chow with three civilians. I'm guessing they were 65, 45, and 30 year old men (not guessing about the men part). They were from different parts of the county, but all worked for the Army Corps of Engineers as hydro power gurus. We struck up a conversation and I asked them what brought them to Iraq. A standard question in the Green Zone and the 30 yr old's was typical.
When I was stationed in Germany (1986 - 1988) I was in a Lance Missile Battalion. I had heard that we were the "most forwardly deployed nuclear capable unit" in Europe. We were 60 kilometers from the Czech border. (I have no independent corroboration of that... whatever.)
This one is about 3rd hand, but it's still pretty good. My dad worked as a law clerk for a federal judge down in Mobile, AL who had served as a P-38 pilot in WWII in Europe. The P-38 was an amazingly versatile and dangerous aircraft (to the Krauts, that is). One of the missions that got flown a lot was tank busting -- German tanks were highly superior to American ones, but the USAAF ruled the skies. The worst nemesis of Allied armor was the King Tiger, the Panzerkampgwagon VI.4.c B -- the frontal armor was 150mm thick, which, for reference, isn't too shabby for today's MBT. It was essentially invulnerable to frontal assault; a King Tiger with a clear field of fire could whipe out entire batallions of Shermans or T-34's alone -- the high power 88mm gun was a killer. But the King Tiger presented a quandry for the air force as well: the armor was so thick, even on top, that 500! pound bombs had a tendency to bounce off. So, what the pilots resorted to doing when out on bombing runs against King Tigers, was to drop bombs on either side of the tank, and the concussion from the blast would actually FLIP the vehicle over. Sounds weird, but it's true.
Abusing Prisoners is Wrong
An Essay by Frank J.
It’s wrong to abuse prisoners. My mom always told me that abuse was wrong. When my dog was a puppy, I'd put her in a box and hang it from the ceiling by a rope and then spin the box around. She'd make a funny sound when I did that. But my mom told me to stop because she said that was abuse and that was wrong. So I did stop, but, when my dog was older, sometime I'd wake up to find her sitting there in the darkness, staring at me with this strange look in her eyes.
Anyway, just like it is wrong to abuse a dog, it is wrong to abuse prisoners who are people. I heard that some soldiers have been abusing prisoners and they are bad. They should stop. They should be like good soldiers and shoot bad people. But prisoners are bad people, so how do you know when hurting them is abuse? Well, if a ninja attacks you, fighting back is not abuse. But, prisoners aren't trying to hurt you like a ninja is, so hurting them is abuse. Like, if you walked up to some random person and punched him, that would be abuse (though the courts would call it "assault and battery"; the courts have lots of funny words for things). Also, penguins are not attacking you, so seeing how far you can throw one is also abuse, though what the zoo will charge you with is trespassing. Plus they won't let you back in the zoo. And, if the penguin lands in the crocodile pen, you have to buy the zoo a new penguin... and they're expensive. And they’re hard to find, as they don't sell them at Wal-Mart. So don't abuse penguins. Also, another thing my mom told me not to abuse is substances. So, if you see a substance, be nice to it.
In summary, do not abuse prisoners... unless you think they're terrorists.
May 05, 2004
The Limey - Episode X: Finale
Created by Stupiud Bastrad Productions
Logo by Tom Bux of The Nap Room
* * * *
The Limey, in preparation for the glorious day of May 1st had written his longest e-mail yet and sent it to the ignorant backwoodsman, American Frank. American Frank was excited when he received the e-mail, but was intimidated by its size. So he decided to wait until after May 1st to see how prophetic the e-mail was. And May 1st did come, and, instead of bringing with it the prospects of summer, it laid the world waste with a bitter winter storm. Secure in his backwoods abode, American Frank typed his last e-mail to the one who knew only as The Limey:
The fool I am! I thought you were a savior, but now I know thee to be a harbinger of doom, limey. A pox on thee, and a pox on your four friends who obviously aren't just you posting under different names using the same IP.
A Frank Guide to a Cordial Political Discussion
Most often people will disagree on issues of the day, but just because someone doesn't think like you doesn't mean you should call him evil and kill him. That's what Islamic extremists and the majority of posters at Democratic Underground would do. Instead, following these steps you can have a nice discussion with someone with different viewpoints and both come out of it smarter.
DO consider the merits of viewpoints different to your own.
DO listen carefully to what the other person is saying. Try to understand their different viewpoint.
DO try to find areas of agreement no matter how much you differ on an issue.
DO keep on topic. You're more likely to learn from each other if you keep the talk focused.
DO make all disagreements in a friendly tone.
DO agree to disagree when reaching a stopping point.
DO stick to your principles while still considering what the other person says.
DO back up your statement with facts when necessary.
DO make sure not to get caught up arguing minutia.
DO make sure to not raise your tone of voice no matter how heated things get.
DO be willing to admit you’re wrong if the other person is convincing. Admitting you're wrong can seem painful, but, when you do it, you suddenly become right.
Follow these rules and you should have some nice, friendly, intelligent discussions. Hooray!
May 04, 2004
Our Military XII
I want to keep this feature going, but I'm nearly out of stories. So, if you have a military story, e-mail me with the subject "Military". Thanks.
* * * *
John sent in some more military terminology:
Here are some Navy/Submarine terms
USMC Rules for Gunfighting
That has to be the fifth reference I've seen to the Navy doing nothing but drinking coffee. I really like coffee; maybe I should join the Navy.
On a more serious note...
I am Proud
Bite-Sized Wisdom: Piss-Poor Enemies, Useless Kerry, What's Happening, More Excuses from Me, and Ted Rall Has Got to Go
* Is It Wrong to Wish for Better Enemies?: Stupid terrorists can't even hold on to their own hostages. Sometimes you have to wonder why these nimrods even bother going up against us. I especially am confounded on how some think they're superior to the West because of their religion. We're smarter than them, we're richer than them, we have better weapons and tactics, we have hygiene, our land isn't nothing but sand, and we're not overrun by monkeys, yet Allah favors them. Riiiiight.
I remember the Soviets. Though we always knew we were superior to them and lived better lives, at least they could actually threaten to destroy the world. The Islamic extremists should learn from them.
* An Outrage: I can't believe this political statement Kerry just took! It makes me so mad and... Oh, he just changed his position on that; never mind.
Okay, I should say something substantial about John Kerry, but nothing interesting has happened lately. It's too early to celebrate, but he's just looking more and more unelectable each day. Maybe the Democrats could do a Torricelli and switch him out for another candidate at the last minute, but who? Jo-Jo the Democrat Monkey? America is in a war mode right now, and it’s obvious all the Democrats still want to be whining about prescription drugs and school lunch programs and what not.
One day most of our threats will be taken care of, and then we can go back to having the inane be the top issues of the day, but not any time soon.
* The Haze of War: Speaking of war, I'm really lost on what's going on right now? Are we killing all the bad guys, or are we just dicking around? Things seem so hopeless at times, but many of the troops I hear from make things don't seem so bad. And then what happens after June 30th? Are we just going to hope that liberty spreads from Iraq through the rest of the Middle East, or are we going to come out of Iraq like a bat out of hell killing dictators left and right? I know it's not the Pentagon's job to keep me informed on such things, but throw me a bone here.
* Save Our Landfills: I did some major cleaning over the weekend, and I had an epiphany. They have a do not call list and are trying to make a do not spam list, so do you think they could make an "I do not want AOL" list?
* Monkey News: It's all coming together; in Commie China they won't allow farmers to kill evil monkeys. I'm just glad I live in a free country where I can kill monkeys on a whim.
* The Babe: I know we're all excited to now see the modeling photos from SarahK. I was thinking about making this IMAO T-Shirt Babe Contest an annual thing like a beauty pageant, but, if SarahK does a good job (as I'm sure she will) I'd rather have one face representing IMAO (other than mine, I mean). So what should be the next contest? Maybe there can be one for artists for the best rendition of Chomps. Any other ideas?
* Me Busy: Sorry I got like nothing today, but on Mondays I have no time to write for Tuesday. I could spend all weekend writing post for the next week, but I don’t wanna/ To balance my job, writing, and having some semblance of a social life, I've decided I need to have more focus, and thus, for now, I'm not going to pursue being a columnist to focus more on writing a novel. Someone e-mail Jonah Goldberg and tell him his job is safe... for now.
Let me give you a little lesson in humor. You might remember my hate mail to Michael Moore I did some time back. The secret to the humor there is that I don't hate Michael Moore and was laughing the whole time writing the piece. In Rall's comic, you just imagine the bile in him as he puts his prejudices forward in such a disgusting manner; no one could think that was funny except for a few other moral midgets who share his view.
Anyway, why don't we in blogosphere do something about it? Rall has been a published idiots long enough. Let's start a coalition to make Ted Rall lose his job. He doesn't need to be homeless; I'm fine with him mumbling his crazy political views to himself as he sweeps the floor in McDonalds. Any idea on how to start this? Would is begin with a letter writing campaign to who publish him (MSNBC and Newsweek I think)?
For the time being, I'll keep my good humor. There always Emperor Darth Misha I out there to be angry enough for the both of us.
UPDATE: Actually, Misha has who you should e-mail to get Rall fired. Check his comment section for a nice civil e-mail from Bill Whittle you should use as an example (bile is what Rall is, and bile won't get rid of him). Also, Whitler now has up his version of his lunch with me which is a bit different than I remember it.
* In the Future: Fellow ronin, I will have a new mission and target soon, so hold on to your one time pads (or, for those who don't like that term, Vernam ciphers). Also, there was no way I could give a proper finale to The Limey for today, so that should be tomorrow if I don't have to work horribly late today and can get it done before 24 comes on. Also, if I have time at lunch, I'll try to have a little something more on my site today. Later, sportsfans.
May 03, 2004
I'm really busy at work, so busy I should probably be using my lunch break to do more work instead of blog. Anyway, e-mailing the winners of the IMAO T-Shirt Babe Contest and everyone else will probably be delayed until tonight or tomorrow. Also, I'm way behind on e-mails in general; I do read them all, but I often flag them for follow up and then forget about them. I'll try to make time this week to respond, so don’t be surprised if you get a response to something you wrote me a month ago.
Also, I'll try to have things finished up with the Limey tomorrow. See you then.
May 1st Range Report
So, I wanted to try out my little Kel-Tec I mentioned previously plus see if I had fixed my Colt 1991, so I went to the range Saturday. As recommended by many readers and especially Kim du Toit, I purchased an eight round Wilson Combat mag for my Colt plus I replaced the recoil spring with a Wilson Combat recoil spring and even put some Wilson Combat grease on the rails. The Wilson Combat mag sticks out underneath, making my gun lose some of its simplicity, but that new mag sure makes the regular Colt magazine (the one lying next to the gun) seem like a crude piece of tin hammered out by some caveman.
Anyhoo, here is how things went at the range (this time I remembered a pen):
First I tried my Kel-Tec P3AT one handed (the thing is just too small for two hands) at close range, firing three of it's six round mags. It jammed a number of times, but it's in its breaking in period.
Next I tried out my .45, two-hands on it firing 20 Winchester jacketed hollow points at 10 yards. No problems.
Now I fired three 8-rd mags of FMJ hodling with just my right hand. Again, no problems.
Time for my PPK, which I fired left-handed, first round of each mag at double action. Pretty accurate for my off hand if I do say so myself, but what you don't see is how often the damn thing jammed plus had other problems such as the trigger pull not ever firing the bullet (no duds; just pulled the trigger again double action and it fired).
With two hands on the PPK, there were less jams, but there were still some problems with the firing pin. I really like this gun, as it is quite accurate for its size, so I hate to see these problems.
Now I tried the Kel-Tec again. Still jammed multiple times, and it takes some getting used to its double action trigger, but it's too early to have a verdict on the gun.
Fired my .45 two-handed again. I'm going to blame my poor results on trying different styles of trigger pull (how much of my finger I put on the trigger).
Finally, I put the target out at fifty feet and fired off three 10rd. mags of my Browning .22 target pistol. Well, if you count them, you will find thirty holes at least :)
Well, I think my poor PPK needs to be taken to a gunsmith. I love that gun, but it's malfunctioning too much for me to carry it. Some of it has to do with probably how I'm reacting to the recoil, but some must be internals. Also, I can never get it to eject a round by manually pulling back the slide; I have to pull back the slide and let the round fall out the back of the barrel and down the handle.
It's great to see my baby, my Colt 1991, not have any problems. The only thing was after cleaning and disassembly, it almost seems I'm jamming that recoil spring in there. I think I should replace the spring cap with a full guide rod to keep the spring in place.
As for the Kel-Tec, I'll wait to see how it performs now that I've disassembled and cleaned it myself. It may just need some more breaking in.
I have new advertiser on my blogads, Proud Zionist Apparel, with lots of neat stuff with slogans in Arabic. My favorite is the t-shirt that proudly announces you're an "Infidel". They also have embroidered apparel with even more slogans in Arabic, such as "Don't Mess with Texas", "Zionist Enemy", or ones saying which branch of the military you're in. Check them out.
The IMAO T-Shirt Babe Competition Winner
Well, this came down to the wire. As I said before, the third place winner is only two points behind first place. Thanks once again to the judges:
The judges each chose their five favorites and ranked them. A contestant received five points for being number one on a judges list, four points for second, three points for third, two points for fourth, and one point for fifth. Each of the judges’ choices will remain secret unless they choose to reveal them (I'm keeping mine secret since there were so many contestants who would have made a great winner and I don't want to admit I didn't vote for them). I'm only going to announce the top five, but any other candidate can e-mail if she wants to know her final ranking.
Anyway, onto the winners...
In fifth and fourth place are the two lovely girls from the liberal Mecca of Berkeley who write for the conservative paper the California Patriot (Carissa's latest; Reva's latest). Having 13 points and the distinction of being on more judges’ top five lists than any other is Carissa, a.k.a BerkeleyGirl. Beating her for fourth by three points is Reva, a.k.a. BerkeleyChick.
Second runner with 18 points is the beautiful blogress Serenity of Serenity's Journal. I've known her in the blogosphere for a while now, but she never said how cute she is. I feel like I've been lied to.
And finally, with 20 points, the IMAO T-Shirt Babe is...
SarahK of Mountaineer's Musings. Beautiful, deadly with a gun, and fellow Alias fan (I'm watching that as I write this), she has been chosen as the contestant who best personifies the values of the IMAO T-Shirt Babe (whatever the hell those are). She will receive all the IMAO t-shirts and one hundred dollars cash plus a hundred dollar shopping spree at ThoseShirts.com.
First and second runner-ups will get an IMAO t-shirt of their choice and are encouraged to send in photos modeling the shirts to show the judges what fools they are. I will also send one shirt each to the Berkeley's girls on the condition they'll have a photo of them together each wearing them. We had a lot of other great competitors, and I'm going to send them all a little something as thanks for competing. In the end, only one could win, though, and let's all congratulate SarahK as we sing:
There she is, the IMAO T-Shirt Babe
In My World: Implosion
"I'm President Bush, and I approve this message."
Bush stared silently at the camera for a few moments.
"Dammit! I forgot what I was going to say!" Bush then shook his fist at the camera. "Vote for me if you know what's good for you."
"We might want to do a retake on that one," Dick Cheney suggested, "but I think that new commercial about Kerry voting against military weaponry is good enough for now."
"And I think we did pretty well testifying before the 9/11 commission," Bush said, "It just annoyed me how Lee Hamilton and Bob Kerrey left early. I'm sure they got their comeuppance, though."
* * * *
"It's great snubbing Bush to greet the Prime Minister of Canada," Lee Hamilton said as he sat at a table.
"It sure is," Bob Kerrey agreed as he sat down too, "but doesn't the Prime Minister look a bit like an angry rottweiler to you?"
Hamilton stared at him a moment. "A very angry rottweiler."
* * * *
"Still, I'm worried about the debates with John Kerry," Bush continued, "What if he starts throwing other people's medals at me? He could take my eye out!"
"He might just throw ribbons," Cheney assured him.
The figure of Karl Rove emerged from the shadows. "It is too early to worry about the debates. What may be of interest is how the public views you and your nemesis, the one known as Kerry." Rove produced a scroll from his cloak. "When likely voters were asked what words came to mind when your name was mentioned, the top five were 'Dummy', 'Rube', 'Maroon', ''tard', and 'Trustworthy'."
"That's not so bad," Bush said.
"As for your enemy, the top five words were 'French-looking', 'Haughty', 'Aloof', 'Wishy', and 'Washy'."
"Heh heh," Bush chuckled, "Everyone hates that stupid Kerry. So what do I do now, Rover?"
"According to the ancient book of punditry," Rove intoned, "Whilst the opponent dost destroy himself, the wise dost keep his distance such as not to be injured as well."
"If I'm understanding that right," Bush said, "Best move for me right now is to go to my office and play Mario Kart."
"Our little president is growing up," Cheney said with a tear in his eye, "I just wonder what Kerry is up to."
* * * *
"If I knew my voting record in the Senate was going to be used against me, I would have abstained on every vote!" John Kerry fumed, "That would have been the nuanced approach."
"You were just voting to destroy America's military might like any good Democrat," Terry McAuliffe said.
"Everyone who is or ever has been in the military is a war criminal!" Kerry yelled, "Except for me... I'm a war hero. Too bad I threw away my medals."
"There right there on the wall," McAuliffe pointed out.
"Whatever!" Kerry shouted, "All this controversy is making me so mad I think I'll punch Jeeves." Kerry then socked his butler in the gut.
"Very good punch, sir," Kerry's butler said as he picked himself off the floor, "Would you like to hit me again?"
"Maybe later," Kerry answered, "First I will consult with my League of Foreign Leaders for Kerry, all of whom I am happened to run into at Deli’s in New York."
Kerry walked over to the large meeting table. "Here is President of France, Jaques Chirac."
"That damn Bush ruined my 'Oil for French Kickbacks' program!" Chirac yelled.
"And then there is Kim Jong Il of North Korea."
Kim stared into a mirror and worked at his hair. "Still not poofy enough! And it is all because of Bush!"
"Osama bin Laden is also here for support."
"I'm just disturbed by all these contracts favoring Halliburton," Osama said.
"And a mad mullah from Iran is here too."
"Allah despises tax cuts for the rich!" the mad mullah yelled.
"Then we have Pol Pot's preserved head in a jar."
"Bush liiiiiiied, people diiiiiiiied!" Pol Pot gurgled through the fluid that kept his head living.
"As a very special guest we have Hanuman the monkey god."
"Bush rushed into war and upset the balance of monkeys in the universe," Hanuman pronounced.
"Finally, I have this letter of support from Saddam Hussein," Kerry said as he held up a letter, "He couldn't come since he's a political prisoner, but he wanted to express his support and say how enthused he his by my dynamic campaign. That reminds me, I wanted to hand out a booklet describing my positions on all the important issues in black and white and sixty-four shades of gray. Jeeves, hand them out."
"Yes, sir," the butler answered as he brought forward a wheelbarrow full of what looked like phonebooks.
"By the way," McAuliffe whispered to Kerry, "Do you have any supporters who aren't evil?"
The Clintons then walked into the room. "No," Kerry answered.
Chirac started choking. "I can't breathe!" he exclaimed, "It's like something is sucking the air out of the room!"
"So did you all hear about my new book?" Bill Clinton asked. He then spotted Osama. "Hey, remember when I tried to launch a cruise missile at you?"
"Yeah, I got a good chuckle out of that one," Osama answered while laughing.
"I don't need you two here," Kerry said angrily. He then spotted a folder Hilary was holding. "Does that say 'Plans for 2008 Presidential Campaign'?"
"Don't be silly," Hilary said as she hid the folder, "We just came here to watch you implode... I mean give our support."
"Unless you're donating money to my campaign, I want you out of here!" Kerry said.
"I'll give you twenty bucks for that head in a jar," Bill offered.
May 02, 2004
The Votes Are In
The final judge just sent in his choices, and the results are so close that third place is only two points behind first (a contestant got five points for being picked first on a judge's list down to one point for being fifth on a judges list).
Winners will be announced tomorrow morning along with a new In My World™. See you then, sportsfans.
The State of Frank's Stuff Report
I've been meaning do this for a little while, but here are pictures of my cool new pool table. It's a 7 foot Brunswick with a 1 inch slate (came in three pieces). According to the little placard on the table, Brunswick has been around since 1845 and supposedly even Abraham Lincoln had a Brunswick pool table. I bet mine is nicer.
Here is the front view.
Here is the back view.
Here is the stylings I paid a bit extra for. Since it's in place of a dining table, I figured it should look nice.
Here is the cue stand I got. Since there's a little less room on the ends, sometimes a shorter cue is needed.
I bought it new from Charlie at Aurora Road Billiard Supplies 1935 Aurora Road, Melbourne, FL. I think he treated me well (I didn't know I could haggle, so he just took a hundred bucks off the price for me), so I thought I might as well give his business a plug.
Also, here is the gun safe I got Friday. That's pretty much all the furniture I need for my house now. Next, I need to think about decorating.
Stupid plant shelves.
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