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June 30, 2004
Links of the Day
Derbyshire (the coolest NRO writer) has a great math test joke at the end of this post.
Hey, there's Michelle Malkin on Fox News right now as I type this. When do I get my T.V. appearances?
Sandor has a neat map of bloggers' political views. It would be great if more high profile bloggers participated (hint hint).
A Joatmoaf sent this in as a contribution towards my documentary:
Everyone else get brainstorming. This documentary can either be done with videoclips or maybe a flash slideshow, but I'll need others' help to do it. It's time to show the world how nuts the opposition is (and fat).
The Dark Forces Align
In case you haven't seen this rumor yet...
I stick by a prediction I believe I said before that, if John Kerry has Hillary as his running mate and is elected president, he will have the distinction of the shortest term in office, mysteriously dying minutes after his inauguration.
Only question is will Hillary be cleaner about this one than she was with Vince Foster. And she better be careful, too; Kerry did serve in Vietnam, you may know.
UPDATE: Murder is wrong.
UPDATE 2: The comment about shooting Hillary was from a 13 year old who still needs some learning and was removed on request.
Time to Fight Half-Truths with Three Quarter-Truths
I have a great idea: Let's do our own little documentary short about how wacked out and nuts the left is! I'm sure there are plenty of clips of liberal wackiness out there, but I wonder if some careful editing can make them looking even more nutty.
So, how does one get his hands on news clips for a documentary? All we would have to do is splice the stuff together and have some great narration by me with my deep, authoratative voice (I really should blog with my voice more, but I don't know how to do hyperlinks when I do that).
I already have a great title: Michael Moore is Fat and Ugly: An Intelligent Look at the Left. The goal will be to show through carefully selected "facts" that all liberals are dangers to the society and want to kill us in our sleep and coddle dictators. Oh, and we'll need to get some clips from Return of the Jedi for segments about Michael Moore.
So, anyone have film experience and know what to do and want to help? If we make it short and can get some film clips without too much trouble, doing this shouldn't be too hard. Plus it should be fun!
Oh... so many ideas... heh heh heh...
Frank Answers: Donut and After Market T-Shirt Options
For winning the questions for John Kerry contest, Bob Owens got to send me two questions for Frank Answers™ (I never got any from the runners up, BTW).
Anyhoo, here are the questions:
That's just a weird and stupid question. You are weird and stupid. You were given a chance to aske me anything, and this is what you came up with? Fool, I call thee.
Given a choice, though, Krispy Kreme. Mmm... Krispy Kreme. I love the icing filled ones.
Sorry, SarahK does not come with the t-shirts, nor can she ever be bought by money. If I knew the key to winning over SarahK, I wouldn't share it with you, you weird donut-question-asker. Such a secret I would keep to myself while laughing at all others. Actually, I'll just laugh at all others now.
Ha ha ha ha!
Now on to other business...
* * * *
If you have any questions for me, especially scientific in topic, don't send them to me because I'm tired of questions.
You Don't Fact Check My Ass; I Fact Check Your Ass
Now that the IMAO exclusive debunking of Fahrenheit 9/11's supposed record making has been cited by Andrew Sullivan, a number of people have disputed my facts. I've updated the orginal post to say how I'm still right (my regular readers are probably saying, "Of course you're right; you're Frank." If only others were so wise).
UPDATE: Question for my regular readers: The extra linkage has seemed to attract a number of muckadoos. Should I explain to them the humor behind comparing Fahrenheit 9/11 and Jackass: The Movie, or should I continue to watch them writhe and pretend to debate them on the merits like I did with The Limey?
Ronin Thought of the Day
Today's wisdom comes from the learned samurai James Madison:
A well regulated militia, composed of the body of the people, trained in arms, is the best most natural defense of a free country.
Continue to prepare oneself for battle daily, as you are the main defense of our liberty.
Frank Advice on Putting Saddam on Trial
Now that Saddam has been turned over to Iraqis, it's time for a trial. Is there anything cooler than that? A once oppressed people now get to put on trial their former dictator; that's a meme I hope spreads.
Being the humanitarian I am and much smarter than that bafoonish Eugene Volokh who's never linked to me (even I've linked to me), I'm going to give the Iraqis advice on how to conduct their trial:
* Don't shoot Saddam before he at least gets in his plea or there may be some cries that the trial is illegitimate.
* Invite people to be character witnesses for Saddam; anyone who speaks up for him should be the next target for trial and execution.
* Whether you let cameras in the courtroom or not should be based on how much you want this to be labeled the "Trial of the Century." Just a reminder: since we're less than five years into this century, this trial has a pretty good shot.
* Remember to wear black robes and nicely powdered wigs because it will make anything you do seem official.
* Saddam deserves his own defense attorney for a fair trial; you can always put his lawyer on trial later for helping a murderous dictator.
* Body slamming Saddam into a table doesn't officially count as cross-examination, but it should leave a lasting impression on the jury. Would a prosecutor body slam an innocent man?
* Though the videotape of him having a kitten tossing contest is somewhat damning, focus mainly on the mass graves.
* It will be funny if you shave off Saddam's mustache at put on a table labeled as "Exhibit A".
Well, I'll laugh.
* If Saddam shouts, "You can't handle the truth!" be careful continuing; he might not be bluffing.
* If some Amnesty International types say that execution is barbaric, tell them that Iraqis law states that anyone objecting to execution also gets executed. No one knows what Iraqis law is; they'll fall for it.
* Don't allow any rhyming in the closing statement; that seems to have an irrational effect on juries.
* Before the jury goes out to deliberate, have the judge remind them that Saddam is a murderous dictator and deserves to die.
* If Saddam isn't found guilty and sentenced to death, you messed up and need to start over and try again.
Now have a fun trial, Iraqis; you deserve it!
June 29, 2004
Links of the Day
Yay! I'm always reloading opinionjournal.com in the late afternoon waiting for Best of the Web to appear (as I've been doing even before I started my own blog), and I find today myself cited (look for '9/11' Is No. 2) among their other useful wisdom of the day! Hooray! (it's my second time to be cited by them, actually). I had thought my scoop on claims of Michael Moore's film not actually breaking any records was worth e-mailing other blogs about (none of whom posted it) but I hadn't even thought of trying Best of the Web. You know my last correspondence to them.
One of those I e-mailed who gave no response (that's right; actually ignored an e-mail from me!) was Glenn Reynolds, who for the record, said that he thinks Michael Moore is the greatest person ever and would love to share a puppy shake with him... or something to that effect.
Plus, is Glenn now going to kill Mike Tyson?
Kim du Toit has a great post on accuracy in shooting, which leads to the question: How should I approach shooting at the shooting range if my goals are good self-defense shooting and icing my rival drug dealers? (hat tip to Barking Moonbat... though I really should be reading du Toit on my own).
This cartoonist seems to be implying that Rumsfeld is Chomps. Shades of Fight Club?
So... Why Are You So Fat?
It was a lot of fun getting questions for John Kerry, so let's do it again but for Michael Moore. He ducked an interview on Fox News and won't answer questions that aren't prescreened, but what would you ask him if you were able to pose any question to him? Those who come up with the best questions get to ask me a question for Frank Answers™ (which reminds me: I still have the previous one to answer - maybe tomorrow).
So, what would you ask Michael Moore?
UPDATE: Contest is closed. Winners announced soon.
Ronin Thought of the Day
From Hagakure: The Book of the Samurai:
There is something to be learned from a rainstorm. When meeting with a sudden shower, you try not to get wet and run quickly along the road. But doing such things as passing under the eaves of houses, you still get wet. When you are resolved from the beginning, you will not be perplexed, though you still get the same soaking. This understanding extends to everything.
Accept your fate and be at peace.
In My World: Attack of the Moore-ons
"PARTY!" Bush screamed as he jumped around his office. Rumsfeld drank some whiskey while Cheney and Condi danced to a techno beat. "We did it! We handed over Iraq."
An aide ran into the room. "A giant mutant squid is attacking Iraq at the behest of the Legion of Doom!"
"Not our problem anymore!" Bush shouted, "Now get out of here! We're celebrating!"
Chomps ran into the room with Clinton's portrait in his mouth and started angrily tearing it apart. "That's some good celebrating!" Bush commented. "Who couldn't be happy right now?"
* * * *
"Jeeves!" Kerry yelled at his butler, "Has there been any bad news from Iraq yet?"
"Not yet, sir."
"Argh!" Kerry screamed, "I served in Vietnam!"
“Yes, I know, sir.”
* * * *
"I would like to remind you," Scott McClellan told Bush, "that there are still terrorists loose in Iraq, that Osama bin Laden is still at large, that..."
"Hey, Scott!" Bush shouted, "See if you can catch this paperweight with your head!" Bush threw the paperweight, hitting Scott in forehead and knocking him unconscious.
"He was supposed to give a press conference, you know," Condi said.
"Whatever," Bush answered, "I'll just do it."
* * * *
"Melinda Hawkish from Fox News. So, Mr. President, does the hand off in power mean we'll being getting ready for another war soon and thus have more cool war footage?"
"I hope so," Bush answered, "It really is a great day for the Iraqi people and especially for me. I feel so good, I'm going to beat the crap out of a reporter."
"I have a question about Abu Grahib," said a reporter.
"Thank you for volunteering," Bush said and then leapt on the reporter and started pummeling him. "Make sure you don't misquote me! Heh heh!"
"Bush baaaad," came a groan. Bush looked up to see horrible zombie creatures headed at him.
"Just when you're having a great day," Bush grumbled, "zombies attack."
The zombies were almost onto Bush when Zatoichi jumped into the fray, cutting them all down with his cane sword.
Bush sighed in relief. "And to think of all the officials who said I shouldn't hire a blind Yakuza gangster as a Secret Service agent."
"I smelt evil, so I came. Now you pay me ten ryo."
In a blink of an eye, Ichi drew and resheathed his sword while Bush's tie fell in two. "Fine," Bush said as he handed over the gold coins. "Now we better go find out what this is about. To the batcave!"
"Uh... the war room, I mean."
* * * *
"Clancy, you're my intelligence guy; what's this about?" Bush asked.
"You didn't hear this from me," Clancy said, "but these zombies are creatures known as Moore-ons - easily influenced liberals zombified by Michael Moore's propaganda piece Fahrenheit 9/11."
"Who the hell is Michael Moore?" Bush asked.
"An experiment gone bad," Clancy said ominously, "The liberals were always trying to create their own Rush Limbaugh since Limbaugh first became a success. To this end, they got some Limbaugh DNA from a discarded cigar. The genes were incomplete, though, and they finished the chromosomes with genes from warthog, gorilla, and skunk DNA. Thus came about the hideous creation known as Michael Moore."
"Where did you get all this information?"
"Off the internet from a bunch of sites that didn't have sources. Anyway, we know that Michael Moore is currently on his sail barge flying over a desert in California while hosting a number of high-profile celebrities."
"And I bet if we defeat him, he'll lose his influence over the Moore-ons," Bush concluded.
"Sure, why not," Clancy said, "Anyway, it's time for lunch."
"What are you having?"
"That's classified." Clancy left the room.
"Rumsfeld, Ichi, Chomps - we're all going to sneak onto that sail barge," Bush stated.
"What about me?" Condi asked.
Bush patted her on the head. "You're just a girl. Why don't you stay here and bake us a pie for when we return."
"Oh, and if Scott comes out of his coma before I get back, you put on the ape mask to greet him as he wakes."
* * * *
"Now remember," Bush said as they entered the sail barge, "I'm Rick Iron, movie action star. Rumsfeld, you Israel Goldstein, Jewish producer. Chomps, you're Crazy Jaw, Native American punk rocker. Oh, and Zatoichi, for your part you'll have to pretend to be deaf."
"You're an idiot," Ichi said.
"Now let's all keep our cool. Something else to mention: the psychobabble liberal speak has evolved into its own language known as Liberalese which many here speak. Luckily, I'm multi-language-al."
A man with white skin and what looked like two tentacles on his head walked towards the four of them. "Die Wanna Wanga!" he demanded.
"We've come to see Michael Moore," Bush answered, "We've brought gifts of fatty foods."
"Nee Moore no badda. Me chaade su goodie." The servant reached for the foods.
"Hey, grabby, we're only giving them to Moore in person!" Bush yelled.
The man looked angry, but then motioned for them to follow. "Nudd Chaa."
"I have a bad feeling about this," Ichi uttered.
"I just have to say that Moore fans sure are weird looking," Bush whispered back.
They soon came to the main room where a number of celebrities were partying and saying how much they hated Bush. At the end of the room was a large platform on which the corpulent Michael Moore rested his bulk. Seated on the platform near his feet was a deranged looking Al Franken laughing hysterically. Moore reached into a bowl near him and pulled out a creature that looked like a frog and swallowed it whole, slime trailing down his mouth.
"Just act calm," Bush said, "First we'll..."
"I'll strangle you, you fat bastard! Rarr!" Rumsfeld yelled as he leapt at Michael Moore. "Neck... too fat... to get... hands around..."
"Try using a chain!" Bush suggested.
"I only strangle with my hands!" Rumsfeld answered.
Chomps ran to help, but a large metal cage trapped him. He gnawed at the bars but it was no use.
"Ho ho ho," Moore laughed as Rumsfeld gave up his useless strangling attempt, "Kaa bazza kundee hodrudda."
Green pig guards with axes surrounded Bush, Rumsfeld, and Ichi. "These are either weird pig mutants," Bush said, "or teamsters."
"Sometimes I'm glad I can't see," Ichi commented.
"Hee hee hee," Al Franken giggled.
"Chone manya weesh asha beecho," Moore laughed.
"So what did he just say?" Rumsfeld asked.
"Uh... something about car rentals... I think."
"We live through this, I'm strangling you!"
* * * *
Bush, Ichi, and Rumsfeld had their hands bound and were on a skiff floating near the barge. In front of them was a plank extended over South Central L.A. Below, they could see gang bangers just waiting to bust a cap in their asses.
"You do have to say, it was an interesting presidency," Bush said.
"Wherever you end up in the afterlife," Rumsfeld answered, "I will find you and hurt you. And poor Chomps; he's locked in the storage on the barge where it's too dark for him to see anything to be angry at. That will make him angry."
Drugged hippy guards started ushering them with spears to jump off the plank. Suddenly a gunshot was heard, and Ichi's bonds were gone. His cane sword was then tossed to him, and he immediately cut down the hippies and freed Bush and Rumsfeld with a couple quick strokes.
On top of the barge stood Condi with a rifle. "Condi!" Bush exclaimed, "Did you bring the pie?"
"I'm here to save your asses, idiot!"
"Well, we're fine now," Bush answered, "We're perfectly in con..." Bush slipped and fell off the barge, Rumsfeld barely grabbing him in time. Bush then saw Terry McAuliffe sneaking up behind Zatoichi.
"Terry McAuliffe!" Bush shouted.
"Terry McAuliffe?! Terry McAuliffe?! Where?" Ichi then swung back and accidentally hit McAuliffe with his cane, knocking him off the skiff to the streets below.
Condi took the large mounted gun on top of the barge, pointed it to the deck, and kicked it to start it firing. She then swung over to the skiff just as Rumsfeld pulled Bush up. "Let's get out of here!" Bush yelled as he sent the skiff flying away from the exploding barge.
"Nooooooo!!!" Moore shouted as the barge went crashing into the ground.
"Yay!" Bush yelled, "We blew up Moore and countless other celebrities. Now let's stop at supermarket because I really had my heart set on a pie."
* * * *
"I survived!" Moore exclaimed as he lay in the smoldering ruins of the barge. "Too bad I'm too fat to upright myself. Wait, there's a Native American punk rocker coming this way; maybe he'll help me. He looks angry, though... very angry...
AHHH! NOT AGAIN!!!"
June 28, 2004
Links of the Day
If you want a more serious take on Michael Moore, read Jonah Goldberg's column today.
Smart people read IMAO everyday says one out of one smart people.
Michelle Malkin has a contest for coming up with t-shirt slogans for celebrities (I already put down my idea).
Blackfive has a Marine's response to the capture of one of their own.
Our Military XXI
Here are more military stories. I'd like to keep this going as long as I can, so, if you'd like to give your own explanation of why you joined the military or have a military story, please e-mail me with the subject "Military". Thanks.
* * * *
This was posted by John in my comments, but I thought it needed more exposure:
I have buried a few Marines. The last one was during the Clinton adminstration. After the minister says his peace, Taps is played and the salute is fired, the flag is folded and presented to the familiy. As you give the wife / mother the flag you are supposed to say "On behalf of a greatful nation and the President of the United States, I present you this flag as a token of appreciation for your husband's faithfull service." I substituted the "Commandant of the Marine Corps" for the president. The ladies husband had died, no reason to insult her further.
I've written a couple of military emails already, but I thought I'd share my most embarrassing moment in the military, just for a laugh (at my expense).
When I was in the first grade I used to get chased home by the other kids in the neighborhood.I suppose it had something to do with my personality, me being six years old, they being in the 4th, 5th and 6th grade.
Those Records Ain't Broken... They're Not Even Scratched
Some are saying that Fahrenheit 9/11 set records for a documentary, being the first ever to debut in the number one spot and already having the highest gross for a documentary with $21.8 million over the weekend. I looked it up, though, and it is total bunk. If marginally staged events filmed for entertainment value is what makes a documentary, then Jackass: The Movie actually set those records. It debuted at number one with a gross of $22.8 million. It also had less erroneous assertions than a Michael Moore documentary.
Yeah, that's right; we're the blogosphere and we'll fact-check your ass (and with Michael Moore, that's a - ah, forget it; obvious joke).
UPDATE: The adjusted gross of Fahrenheit 9/11’s opening is higher than Jackass’s, but Jackass still was a documentary that premiered at number one before Michael Moore's film (one record claimed) and it still has a higher total gross for a documentary ($64.2 million) than Moore's film (the other record mentioned in the article cited; it falsely says that Bowling for Columbine with $21.6 million total gross previously held that record).
I'm not claiming to be an authoritative source; I'm just making the more meager claim that I'm more authoritative than CNN and Michael Moore.
UPDATE 2: Anyone who disputes me is a goober. Yeah, I mean you, goober.
If you still don't believe in my fact-checking ability, just see all the great facts I compiled on Michael Moore here.
UPDATE 3: Best of the Web points out, that, if you adjust for inflation, Jackass: The Movie ties Fahrenheit 9/11 for its opening take. That makes me extra-super-right about everything and all who doubts me that much more of a goober.
Whether Fahrenheit 9/11 will have the long lasting political effects of Jackass is yet to be seen.
Ronin Thought of the Day
Today's wisdom comes from the fierce samurai warrior Calvin Coolidge:
If you see ten troubles coming down the road, you can be sure that nine will run into the ditch before they reach you.
The wise samurai chooses his battles carefully. Reflect on this.
Know Thy Enemy: Michael Moore
Michael Moore is fat. Oh, and he also had the number one movie over the weekend with his new propaganda piece, Fahrenheit 9/11, about how Bush is not a good president or something or other. I hope he really gets Bush on not controlling spending at home. Anyway, I had my crack research staff work overtime finding out all the facts about the fascinating piece of work known as Michael Moore.
FUN FACTS ABOUT MICHAEL MOORE
* He's fat.
* He's ugly.
* He's fat and ugly.
* He corpulent... which means fat.
* He compares unfavorably to a baboon’s butt in both appearance and smell.
* Michael Moore has the uncanny ability to cause burst of hatred in otherwise rational people - that fat, fat, ugly, smelly man!
* Michael Moore had a trouble childhood as he grew up without parents... since he ate them.
* Michael Moore was raised by a family of gorillas in the zoo until they could no longer stand either his smell or personality.
* It's a myth that Michael Moore never bathes... he just does it nacho cheese sauce.
* John Candy died soon after appearing in Canadian Bacon. It is unknown how many other people Michael Moore's films have killed.
* Though a millionaire, Michael Moore is often stopped on the streets by hobos who offer him hygiene advice.
* Whether Michael Moore is fat and ugly because of his views or he got his views by being fat and ugly is under academic debate.
* The reason Michael Moore always wears a baseball cap is to keep in his pulsating brain which is a mixture of neurons and hog fat.
* Someone is making a documentary about Michael Moore, but I believe there already was one. I think it was called The Blob.
* Michael Moore doubles in size every one and a half years. This is referred to as "Moore's Law."
* Michael Moore's new movie, Fahrenheit 9/11, gives irrational Bush haters even more irrational reasons to hate Bush.
* As for people who are rational and don't hate Bush, any attempt by Michael Moore to convert them to drooling idiots is undone by him appearing on screen causing people to shout, "Who is that fat, fat ugly man? Whatever views he has, I want the opposite!"
* Michael Moore had a T.V. series, T.V. Nation, for a while which had a cool theme song... though not cool enough to distract from how fat and ugly Michael Moore is. Thus it was soon canceled.
* Though he says he's a socialist, the way he makes millions by exploiting the ignorance and venom of angry lefties is extremely capitalistic. Makes me wish I were a fat, ugly, lying, sack of...
* If he ever lost all his money though (probably spending it all on pork rinds) and became a hobo, how could anyone tell?
* Bowling for Columbine was a film all about guns, yet someone Michael Moore never took a bullet in a shooting accident... perhaps evidence that God doesn't love us.
* Then again, if Moore were to burn in hell, the fuel costs on frying that fat man would soon bankrupt the underworld, causing all the evil demons within to have to find jobs elsewhere... probably stealing them from our hardworking illegal immigrants.
* Fat and ugly, that man.
* The diet of the Michael Moore is globs of fat, mugs of grease, and small children.
* Michael Moore is frightened by healthy vegetables, facts, and three-headed zombie monsters. If you ever encounter him, scare him away with one of those.
* When Michael Moore wraps all his lies and distortions into a film he calls a "documentary," he gets lots of awards from Hollywood types, who, though not necessarily as fat and ugly, are quite stupid.
* Michael Moore's smell is a natural protection, as even a rabid animal isn't crazy enough to put its mouth around something with a stench like that.
* In a fight between Michael Moore and Aquaman, Michael Moore would hound Aquaman for an interview who would then hide in his Aqualair and ignore the fat, annoying man. Good for Aquaman.
* Finally giving up, Michael Moore would then fry and eat many of Aquaman's fish friends. Poor Aquaman.
* I once thought it would be funny to put a baseball cap on a pile of manure, get a picture of me standing next to it, and then show it saying I met Michael Moore, but I gave up the idea since I don't own a baseball cap.
* Michael Moore has a bunch of lawyers to sue anyone who tells the truth about him (namely that he is fat and ugly) for libel. Bring it on, fatty!
* BTW, if you would like to donate to the Frank J. legal defense fund, click on either the Amazon of PayPal link on the sidebar.
* Liberals and Conservatives often get into lengthy arguments about the merits of Michael Moore's political views, but so far there has been no good rebuttal to the fact that he is a fat, ugly, unshaven, smelly man, and I suspect there never will be.
June 27, 2004
Ronin Thought of the Day
Todays' wisdom is from the final words of great samurai general George Washington:
I die hard but am not afraid to go.
The samurai must fight until his final breath and beyond, but have no fear of death.
June 26, 2004
June 25, 2004
Now There Will Be No Question Who the Winners Are
I had asked my smart readers what question they would ask John Kerry if given the chance.
First, the runner-ups who each get to ask me one question for a future Frank Answers™ (so choose wisely):
J Fielek wrote:
Pat Rand wrote:
And the winner, who can send me two question for Frank Answers™ is Bob Owens who wrote:
"So, Senator, how does four months of actual combat experience make you a better candidate than say, Lyndie England?"
Thanks for playing!
Ronin Thought of the Day
Once again, we consult Sun Tzu:
You can be sure of succeeding in your attacks if you only attack places which are undefended. You can ensure the safety of your defense if you only hold positions that cannot be attacked.
Remember what the doormouse said: "Feed your head."
In My World: The Independent Part III
* * * *
"Can I have my shoes back?" Scott asked.
"No," Bush answered curtly, "All my staff is supposed to be able to walk barefoot through hell for me."
"Dammit," Scott mumbled, "Well, who's going to be doing my job while we go down into hell?"
"I got a good replacement."
* * * *
"And who are you?" a reporter asked.
"This fancy dressed man gave me a dollar to sit up here and not give a straight answer to any questions," said the transient, "I mean... uh... Let's keep focused on the issues here."
* * * *
"And shouldn't you be doing stuff about Iraq right now instead of traipsing into hell?" Scott questioned desperately.
"That's in good hands."
* * * *
"Mmm... breakfast!" Buck the Marine shouted as he sat down.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" shouted Buck's commanding officer.
"Eating breakfast, sir," Buck answered, standing to attention.
"How many terrorists did you kill this morning?"
Buck's commanding officer turned to an Army grunt. "Army grunt, how many terrorists did you kill yesterday."
He looked back to Buck. "I've been telling everybody that we Marines kill more terrorists before breakfast than the Army kills all day, and you're telling me you’re going to sit down and eat when only eight are dead?"
"No, sir!" Buck shouted as he grabbed his rifles and ran off. "Man, those gravy covered tater-tots looked good," he grumbled to himself.
* * * *
"Ah, here we are," Bush said as they came to the gates of hell. At the front was a sign. "Abandon all hope, ye who enter here," Bush read aloud, "Well, they don't say anything about firearms." Bush patted the peacemaker at his side.
Bush marched into hell with Scott slowly following behind. Soon a man approached him. "Who is it?" Scott cried in fear.
"It's just Virgil who wrote the Aeneid," Bush answered.
"Don't remind me of that," Virgil said, "I told my servant to burn that thing if I didn't return from my trip to finish it, and he disobeyed me. Now, thousands of years later, people are gawking at my poor plot pacing."
"I'm sorry, Virgil," Bush told him.
"Nothing to do about it now," he sighed, "Anyway, in the first circle of hell..."
"We're not here for the tour," Bush interrupted, "I need to go talk to Satan."
"You sure you don't want to look around first?" Virgil asked, "You should see what we're doing to Mohammad Atta. Oh..." He started laughing. "And then there is Uday and Qusay..."
"Maybe we'll check it out if we have time later," Bush told him, "Now... to Satan!"
* * * *
"I want a signed contract before I agree to anything," Condi said firmly.
"You see," Satan explained, "Things are in flux right now and..."
"Condi, what are you doing here?" Bush shouted as he entered Satan's office, "Are you making deals with the devil?"
"No," Condi assured him and walked over to join him and Scott.
"What are you doing here?" Satan demanded.
"I want you to leave this presidential race," Bush said, "I'll even gamble my soul to get you out."
Satan walked over to Bee. "What do you think?"
"A president's soul would be good to have," Bee said, "but there's no guarantee he'll win reelection. Then again, we're having trouble getting traction in the polls."
"I'm going for it," Satan announced. He looked to president. "It's a deal. We'll have a competition. If you win, you'll get a press release announcing I'm withdrawing from the race. If you lose... I get your soul!"
"All right then," Bush said as he stood firmly, "So now do we have a fiddle competition?"
"No, that's asinine," Satan answered.
Bush sighed in relief. "Good. I don't know how to play a fiddle."
"How about a game of chess," Satan suggested.
"I never understood that game. All the pieces move in funny directions and what not."
"How about checkers?"
"Don't understand that one either. How about Candyland?"
Satan grimaced. "I want a game of skill."
"I'm... getting over a gambling problem," Satan said, "How about who can drink the other under the table?"
"No alcohol for me," Bush answered, "How about an old fashioned shoot out?"
"I get squeamish around guns," Satan replied.
"Uh... sumo wrestling."
Satan rolled his eyes. "Like anyone is going to vote for either us after they see us in diapers."
Bush narrowed his eyes. "I guess that leaves only one thing."
Satan backed away. "It does indeed."
"Leaves what?" Condi asked as Bush took off his suit jacket and gunbelt. A rotating ball of many small mirrors descended from the ceiling, and lights shined upon it, causing spectral images to dance upon the walls and floor.
"What’s happening?" Scott cried.
Bush took a deep breath in preparation. "A disco dance competition."
The devil put on his dancing shoes
The president said "My name's Dubya,
Dubya, ready up your courage," Condi said,
"And if you win," Scott added,
"I understand that, dingus," Bush grumbled.
The devil gave a mighty grin,
When the devil finished, Dubya said,
"Chicken in the bread pan picking at dough!
"Quit babbling, Scott," Bush yelled angrily.
Dubya began to dance
The devil bowed his head
Dubya said "Devil just come on back
"That doesn't make any sense," Condi said.
"Whatever," Bush answered, "Now let's go egg John Kerry's house in celebration."
"Which one?" Scott asked, "He has like twenty... or his wife does."
"Whichever one is closest," Bush said as they left hell.
"Damn him!" Satan screamed, "Damn him to here! He may have won this time, but in the end I shall triumph! All will..."
"Put a sock in it," Bee said as she lit up a cigarette.
"There's no smoking in here."
"Nazi," Bee grumbled as she walked out of the room.
* * * *
"Bush is egging your house in Cape Cod, sir," Kerry's butler informed him.
"How can he do this to me!" Kerry shouted angrily as he shot to his feet, "I'll show that stupid Texan! He may have gotten Satan out of the race, but he still has me to contend with and..." He then shrieked into the air, "I SERVED IN VIETNAM!"
"Anyway, it's time for your manicure, sir."
* * * *
"So, this plan didn't work," Satan sighed as he took corn off the stalk and put in a basket, "There’s still plenty of evil for me to do in this world behind the scenes."
"That's how we've always done it before," Bee answered, "It's what we're best at. Hmm... these tomatoes look ripe."
"So do these cucumbers," Satan said as he took more produce, "As I was saying, we'll get those miserable humans yet. They will all bow down before my evil in the end. Muh ha ha ha!"
"You demons get away from my crops!" Rumsfeld shouted as he charged with pitchfork in hand, Chomps barking and leading the way.
"It's old man Rumsfeld!" Bee screamed.
"Cheese it!" Satan yelled and ran off with his stolen vegetables.
Rumsfeld soon gave up his pursuit. "The man who sold me those pesticides told me they'd keep devils away," he said to Chomps as he dropped his pitchfork, "Let's go burn his house down."
June 24, 2004
Links of the Day
Michelle Malkin is really taking to blogging. Look at her pick up the lingo (heh). She even has started to allow comments on some posts, and I called first on one. Don't I feel dirty now! And check out this awesome Rumsfeld quote.
As predicted, she already get more traffic than me, but plans are in the works...
Harvey has a great post on how humor makes us free. Heh heh, making fun of Hitler is funny.
John Hawkins has a list of his daily blog hitting. Look how IMAO is near the top. Smart people always check out IMAO. Remember that, smart people.
Finally, the du Toits daughter thinks I'm like a god, but in reality I'm just a demi-god. I'm working on it, though. Hmm... nice site design.
Frank J., Wasp Hunter
I decided my first action today after getting home was to take care of those wasp nests on my house. So I grabbed my can of Raid, my hose, my bokken, and my courage.
First I went to take out the wasp nest in front of my garage, the most annoying one and always covered with wasps with nothing but evil in their hearts. I decided to try first spraying the nest with Raid to stun the adults before taking on the nest.
The wasps instantly flew right at me. I thought I was going to be swarmed with those guys until the toxins took affect, but that was the last I saw of them. I hope they found a good place to die.
Now the nest was unguarded. On goes the hose.
The bottom part of the nest split off, spilling white wasp larva onto the pavement which then writhed in the sun. Die, you maggots. This is my house!
Whatever it is that attached the wasp nest to the house is a tough little bit of architecture. Thus comes the bokken. One true samurai cut finishes off the last of it.
Now to the back porch. There were two wasp nests that looked to have been started and then abandoned.
Now on to the mud glob over my sliding glass door that is the mud dauber nest. Nothing was buzzing about, and it seemed to be abandoned now. Being that it was made of mud, the rapid application of dihydrogen monoxide quickly dissolved it. There only seemed to be one large larva left inside which was taken away in the man made storm.
Vaya con dios!
Our Military XX
Here are more readers explanations of why they joined the military and other stories. I'd like to keep this going as long as I can, so, if you'd like to give your own explanation of why you joined the military or have a military story, please e-mail me with the subject "Military". Thanks.
* * * *
Al from New Cumberland PA writes:
Saw that Shazam! Story about the guy on guard duty.
Did you know that June is National NAS Awareness Month? NAS, or Naval Aviator Syndrome is a tragic disease afflicting many former Navy Airmen, and not a few civilians who have watched “Top Gun” a few too many time.
Hello! I am Specialist David McCorkle - 308th Tactical Psychological Company, back in the USA after serving in Iraq starting in March 2003 before the war began. I started an organization called American Aid for Children of Nineveh Iraq (AA-CNI), www.iraqkids.org last year while I was serving in Iraq with the 101st Airborne Division. AA-CNI's purpose is to help the orphans and street children in the Nineveh area of Iraq as well as helping schools. Our focus is education, getting sponsored children back into the classroom and off the streets, helping schools with needed supplies, equipment, workbooks desks etc, and launching a safe house for homeless street children working with a partner organization called Concern4Kids.
He Was Charged with Disorderly Conduct and Breaking an Officer's Flashlight
I've always been worried about my little sister living in L.A. with all the gangs, thugs, drugged-out celebrities, and LAPD about. Well, I just hope she follows my instructions and curls into a ball and plays dead if she's ever attacked by the LAPD.
At least Arnold is there to protect her now.
We Must S.M.I.T.E. Our Enemies!
Everyone thought my idea for a space laser was great, but I still haven't gotten the government grant money to start the project. Perhaps more convincing will do. Here I have written out a full, scientifical diagram of the S.M.I.T.E. design (it could be more scientifical, but I couldn't find my ruler and just used a pen to draw it):
And here is yet another demonstration of how the laser can be used for happy, peaceful purposes:
I hope that's enough to convince everyone and get me the grant money. I think I'll just supervise the creation because then I don't have to worry about all those hard design questions and just yell at people instead.
I like yelling.
June 23, 2004
Links of the Day
Man, I need to organize my blog reading; I miss so much.
Bill of INDC Journal is as pissed as I am. Plots are hatching...
I've inspired artistic ideas. I feel dirty.
Here's a post solely for the purpose of sucking up to me and getting a link. Will it work? Stay tuned, sportsfans.
Eugene Volokh doesn't mind being called a "Jew." What about a "jooooo!"?
Finally, a lot is happening with our very own IMAO T-Shirt Babe (the bestest t-shirt babe in the world). She's thinking of getting her own domain, for one thing. And, she has a gallery of all the pictures she took before settling on the winning picture for the IMAO T-shirt Babe Contest. Check it out if you like seeing lots of picture of a babe (SarahK should put out a calendar). Finally she has a story that's just... well... ouch. I'd blog about real stories about myself, except... well... I'm God-awful boring. Maybe I could do more of Yvonne's Ashes if people liked that.
Until tomorrow, be faithful to your cause, ronin.
I Wonder If He's Shy From All the Attention
Once again, I'm stealing David Letterman's intellectual property...
TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD AT A BILL CLINTON BOOK SIGNING
10. "He got 'special sauce' all over my copy."
9. "No, I don't want you to sign my breasts as well."
8. "Hell no, I'm not going to read all this... but I will beat to death my rival drug dealer with it. Beating someone to death with a presidential memoir… now that's kill'n with class!"
7. "I think I saw a woman under the table he's seated at. I wonder what she's doing?"
6. "Ahh! The aliens are invading and they're hideous... oh, it's just James Carville."
5. "Come on! Just stand next to me and say, 'I did not have sex with that woman!' while my friend films. It'll be cool! Oh! And do that thing with your thumb and lip!"
4. "I know I'm just a kid, but you're a big inspiration to me and... No, I don't know if my mother is being properly satisfied by my father. Why do you ask?"
3. "No! Sign it with your pen!"
2. "I like how he said how dedicated he is to the women's movement... or did he say he 'likes how women move'?"
And the number one thing overheard at a Bill Clinton book signing…
"Aww... I thought this was the line to meet Carter!"
Ronin Thought of the Day
This is from A Book of Five Rings (Go Rin No Sho) written by the great samurai warrior Miyamoto Musashi.
Cut and Slash
Meditate on this and then defeat your enemies.
We Are Ronin
I really like this Reagan's Ronin idea; I think it goes well with this site because it's both serious and silly at the same time. It's fun to pretend to be masterless samurai, but it also gives focus to consider ourselves carrying on the honor of Reagan, a man who symbolizes standing stalwart against a terrible enemy. Keeping out a bowl of jellybeans is a small trifle, but, if it can serve as a daily reminder of the more important things in the world to fight for, then it's a good thing as well.
As for banners, a number of readers sent in some neat things, but I've decided to go with the simple American flag next to "ronin" in kanji. Now that I think I'm getting a better idea what I want to do with this concept, I'll make a page dedicated to this (and finally get a small crystal bowl to fill with jellybeans for my Reagan shrine). I'll come up with the pledge, and everyone who wants can sign up and put their name under it.
For now, I'm going to do at least one serious post each week. I want to try and work towards doing some real good where good is needed, and I'll need your help in doing the actions, coming up with ideas, and pushing me to do what I say I'll do (bah, I shouldn't need help on that last one).
Well, more later. Until then, remember the battle cry: "Kill the bastards!"
The Angst of an Average American
I think I'm having a quarter-life crisis - or maybe a quarter-life paradigm shift to use corporate lingo.
First I turn twenty-five. Then, the next day, Ronald Reagan dies - the man I remember vaguely from my childhood when I first learned what a president was, the triumphant warrior of the Cold War, the symbol of what you want a politician to be. He gets his burial with proper honors, more smiles than tears as we remember who the man was and his cheerfulness as he faced down what at the time seemed to be an insurmountable enemy.
So I get to thinking: What am I contributing?
I work a 9 to 5 and try to take some pride in my work, I participate in our economy and plot for financial freedom and riches, and I write this weblog.
I started nearly two years ago because I had funny things to say and wanted an audience to read them, and I feel so blessed to have found one. There never seemed like much of a higher purpose, though; if I ever made an enlightened point on an issue, it was purely accidental. When I started having t-shirts and ads, it helped pay the bills which is always welcome. I just seemed to give a smile to some people and that seemed like enough.
It was the crazy-left, the muckadoos, that made me realize the higher purpose of political humor. The reason they get so riled up to the point of insanity, of not just disagreeing with their political opponents but also comparing them to Nazis, is because they take partisan politics too seriously. And it is a very silly thing. You have a bunch of people trying to act and talk a certain way because that's how a politician is supposed to talk and act. Unless they screw up, they don't give straight answers, they don't say how they really feel, and everything they do is nuanced. It’s childish playacting, and it always will be. So laugh at it, and don't think because the other guy gets in office the world is going to end. If you do, you're silly... and probably a butt of some of my jokes.
The only problem is that there are some thing in this world that I want to help do something about, but there is nothing funny about them. Because of people like Reagan, the Soviet threat is gone and no one fears the world exploding; instead we're left to deal with simple barbarians, and there is nothing funny about the things they do to their fellow man.
Sure, I've made plenty of jokes about Islamist, dancing around the brutality they do, but never about the brutality. They kill men, women, and children. They behead innocent people for their idiotic view points. And they want us all dead.
And it's not just the terrorists. There are people beaten and oppressed throughout the entire Middle East, abused by governments we call allies... governments so childish in nature they won't even recognize the state of Israel. There are people running whole countries who would have gotten chased town if they ran for dog catcher here. There are millions of lives at stake, and our goal must be to take this whole radical Islam system down... not just the terrorists who threaten us and our allies personally.
What we need for that, though, is resolve, something the media, pretend allies, and too many of our own politicians are trying to fight against. Some woman with a cigarette dangling from her mouth embarrassing our po' enemy gets tons of press coverage and the outrage of the world while the torture that went on in Abu Grahib under Saddam - the real torture - gets barely a mention.
Yeah, I know, I'm just repeating what a lot of people in the blogosphere and elsewhere are complaining about, but what I want is to do something about it. I tried before with the website Front Line Voices to get the story out of the heroism of our troops, but I know that isn't going to do it. The sad fact of the human condition is that people respond much more to pain than pleasure. Thus, the way to get people motivated, to keep people focused on the goal, is to show them the barbarism of our enemy. And I don't mean the horrible pictures of the beheading - that's just shocking people. Show the jubilation of the terrorists over their killing. Show the writings of the enemy in praise of death. Show everything we can about who these people are, because the fact is that all except the most morally forgone of our society will recognize evil when they see it staring in his or her face. Shades of gray won't hold up when people see just how black the depravity of the terrorists are.
If I had my way, the head story of every newscast would be about what these brutal thugs are up to, what they're thinking, what their desires are. And not just focus on the terrorists, but also the brutality of all the government in the Middle East. No more root causes, no more blind tolerance, no more thinking that religious beliefs that involve violence and oppression should have any cultural respect. Every day the American people and the rest of the world would see how horrible the terrorists and the tyrants are, and every day they would get madder and madder.
So why can't I have my way?
There are some efforts here in the blogosphere to do this - Little Green Footballs the most notable - but we're still a small force in the media. MEMRI translates Islamists so we can see them in their own words, but what they come up with never makes headlines. There has to be something more we can do.
Are there little things we can do such as writing letters to the right people? Are there big things like making a movie or somehow taking back more of the media from those who use it - unwittingly or not - to help fight the enemy's fight?
I wish I had some hard answers of things to do right now, but, I'm a decently smart guy, and I'll work on it. You people all need to think, too. Together, we have the power to make a change. We're Americans, and that means something to me. It means we're warriors who fight - if not with guns and sword then with deeds - for liberty and justice above all else. It's a large responsibility placed on us by all those who sacrificed before us, and thus there is no such thing as an "average" American.
Our duty now is to make sure everyone understands the evil we're up against.
And then we'll destroy it.
June 22, 2004
Face to Face with Chomps
Doug of ThoseShirts.com sent me this image:
So far that's the image that best resembles what I want for the Chomps t-shirt. Only, it would need to look angrier (it's an angry dog, all right, but Chomps is the world's angriest dog).
Someone already offered to take a shot at drawing Chomps, and I was wondering if anyone else would want to try. I'll show what I get sent, and, if one is so good it gets used for the t-shirt, you get fame, immortality, and a free t-shirt of course.
If I can get the right image, this t-shirt could be so cool...
Kill the Bastards
A few days ago I asked for a battle cry for Reagan's Ronin. I'm now more sure I know what it should be.
If you'll indulge me, I'm going to have another serious post tomorrow - serious as I go, at least.
I'll come up with something funny, too, though; don't worry. I just have a few more thing I need to get off my chest to keep up my humor.
So, Do You Have Any Military Experience?
I got an e-mail from the John Kerry campaign titled "What would you ask John Kerry" saying how if I set up a house party, I could ask a question to John Kerry. So, I put it to you, my dear readers, to think of what would be the perfect question to ask him. I'll pick the best one, and the author of it gets to ask me a question (yes, I'm tired of Frank Answers™, so you only get to ask me questions by winning a contest).
So, what would you ask John Kerry?
Know Thy Enemy: Bill Clinton
Bill Clinton's memoir My Life is out today, but, knowing him, I doubt you'll get all the facts. So here is what my crack research team could find about our 42nd:
FUN FACTS ABOUT BILL CLINTON
* He was born William Jefferson Blithe, but had to change is name to escape from the law after a series liquor store robberies in Hot Springs.
* They say Clinton's stepfather was abusive, but, come on, tell me you never thought of taking a swing at him.
* Clinton was a Rhodes Scholar, going overseas to better learn to be an arrogant prick.
* There have been many bad rumors about Clinton, but, according to him, he never inhaled the draft and did not dodge marijuana.
* Before you make fun of Clinton's "not inhaling excuse", know he can hold is breath for ten minutes. Can you think of anyone else who can do that?
* Clinton marched in Russia to protest the Vietnam War which is much unlike marching with al Qaeda to protest the war in Iraq because al Qaeda would probably march in a warmer climate.
* The courting of Hillary and Bill is a romantic story as old as time: too much liquor while in Vegas.
* Hillary married Clinton to use his power to eventually see her lesbian conspiracy to fruition in which all men will eventually be emasculated and enslaved... at least according to some crazy guy who used to hang near my college.
* Their daughter Chelsea ended up being quite smart, learning to write at an early age. This made the Clintons very happy, because it allowed her to sign a non-disclosure agreement.
* Clinton was elected governor of Arkansas because he quote "talked purty."
* When Clinton's pick-up line of "Hey, baby, I'm the governor of Arkansas" started to wear thin, he set his sights on higher political ambitions.
* Bill Clinton chose Al Gore as his running mate because... uh... hell, I don't remember why he chose that freak show.
* Some say that Clinton's story is an inspirational one, showing that, in American, even a fat, lecherous hillbilly can one day be president.
* I stole that previous joke from an old David Letterman top ten list... but I’m pretty sure he once stole from me!
* The famous Clinton lip-biting is a method he developed to keep from cracking up when faking sincerity.
* Bill Clinton seemed to have special appeal with women (he wouldn't have been elected either time without their vote). My opinion of this as a man is that women are crazy. Always expecting us to know what you're thinking and voting for Clinton - crazy women!
* Some say Clinton is a vampire, while others say he's a hillbilly. Either way, he's vulnerable to a stake through the heart.
* That previous item shouldn't be construed as a threat. It's wrong to threaten a president of the United States of America. I believe its okay to threaten who voted for him, though.
* Those who voted for Clinton should fear vengeance from a mysterious one know simply as "The J".
* Clinton had a number of close run ins while president, the White House being shot at twice, a plane was crashed into the White House grounds, his Secret Service getting fed up and pounding him three times, and Hillary attacking him at least six-hundred times.
* Clinton was never quite the liberal many of his supporters wanted him to be as he signed some policies that involved common sense.
* Clinton is a huge fan of the McDonald's Big Mac and even tried to get Mayor McCheese on his cabinet.
* Clinton prefers the chubby women 'cause they "got so much luvin to give."
* Clinton provided a huge economic boost by scaring the public into voting in a Republican majority... a benefit that lasts to this day.
* During Clinton's presidency, the economy improved, the sun rose every single day, and the earth made eight trips around the sun... all he takes credit for.
* Clinton was much beloved by foreigners... and you see the dinguses they elect.
* To get back at bin Laden, Clinton launched some cruise missiles killing many camels. Since then, camels have been too scared to have any dealings with al Qaeda.
* In all of Clinton's T.V. statements while seated at his desk in the oval office, he was not wearing pants.
* Most people would not be surprised by that last one.
* Janet Reno, Clinton's third liberal, female choice for Attorney General, was won over when Clinton removed a thorn from her paw.
* Some say Clinton is a huge liar, while other say he is not... but they're lying!
* Clinton is banned from all the strip clubs in D.C. for being too grabby.
* Some say a electing a chimp to president would have led to less disgrace to the Oval Office... as long as he wore a diaper.
* You know some liberal is going to read that last one and say, "We just did!" and then quickly follow up with, "Except he was selected, not elected!" followed by, "No Blood for Oil!" Stupid hippies.
* Like the cougar, Clinton can swim for short distances.
* If you're a woman and are approached by Bill Clinton, know that he's immune to all but the strongest pepper sprays.
* Were Clinton like Pinocchio, Scientist estimate he would be in very much pain right now as his nose would currently be being burnt by Alpha Centauri.
* Also, if a liar's pants actually caught fire, scientists estimate that the heat from Clinton's pants would provide more than enough power to provide the world’s energy needs. How you would get them down from the telephone wire, though, is unknown.
* Clinton is so whipped by Hillary that he handled making Vince Foster's death look like a suicide even though it was her who shot him in a fit of rage.
* When Clinton left office, some thought he was a little too loose with the pardons, but, in his defense, he charged quite a bit for them.
* To be quite honest, I still have no idea what the Whitewater scandal was about, but I still think Clinton should have been thrown out of office for it and then put in jail.
* In a fight between Bill Clinton and Aquaman, Clinton would use his slick charisma to win over all of Aquaman's fish friends. Being outdone in his only real superpower, Aquman would go into a downward spiral, finally O.D.'ing on heroin.
* Clinton's memoir, My Life, is 957 pages long, making it a great book to hollow out and put a gun in.
* While Ronald Reagan had a state funeral and was mourned by millions as his coffin was brought across the country, Clinton will most likely just be tossed in a dumpster when the time comes.
* Clinton may have gotten away with a lot in this life, but, when the final judgment comes, God will know what the definition of "is" is.
* A hundred years from now, Clinton will only be remembered for his sexual peccadilloes with Monica Lewinsky... which is unfair to him since there are also those legitimate charges of rape.
* I don't like Clinton.
June 21, 2004
Links of the Day
I've decided to bring back Links of the Day™. I would never have gotten anywhere without people linking to me, so I should keep returning the favor.
First, it's a pretty sad story when chimpanzees show more humanity than man.
Still, some monkeys have developed bionic jumping abilities to create havoc.
More good things from chimps: here's the perfect Care Bear.
I don't think I'll ever be the number one Google hit for Frank (I have to compete against Frank Sinatra, Anne Frank, Frank Lloyd Wright, etc.), but Harvey found out I'm already number 34 and is trying to do something to help. Let's all join in!
The movie Michael Moore Hates America has a new trailer. It appears it’s about a lot more than just Michael Moore; it's about the problems of documentaries in general and how great America is. I'm excited to see the full movie.
I got the fourth season of The Simpsons about the same day the puppy blender did, but when I received it in the mail I found that Amazon had done the (begin Comic Book Guy voice) worst packaging job... ever! (end Comic Book Guy voice). The packaging was crushed and the inner plastic to hold the DVD's was smashed. As soon as I put a complaint to Amazon, though, they put out a new order for me with two-day air shipping and gave me a label to print out and return the smashed copy with. Just had to paste the label on a box and it didn't cost me any postage. Pretty good customer service, I'd say. Should have it tomorrow. Woo-hoo!
Sometimes It's Hard to Keep Your Humor
What is it with terrorists and beheading? I just can't stand hearing about these freaks anymore. We not only need to kill them, we need to claim their dead bodies, grind them up, and feed them to pigs… and broadcast on Fox. It's be the "Pigs Eating Terrorists Show" and I'm sure the ratings will be huge.
Some may say such gruesome tactics would bring us down to the terrorists' level, but, believe me, we couldn't get that low if we tried.
Say a prayer for Kim Sun-il and his family, and, while you’re at it, take a moment to be thankful for America's allies.
Ronin Thought of the Day
Today's wisdom come from samurai Benjamin Takeshi Franklin whose fearsome visage protects our hundred dollar bills from evil spirits. He said:
It's all about the me's, baby!
Okay, he didn't say that. What he did say was:
Work as if you were to live a hundred years,
A true samurai keeps death in mind at all times.
I Want the Truth!
As promised, I wrote James Taranto to find out if Michelle Malkin is really being blacklisted by the Wall Street Journal opinion page.
I encourage others to write letter to so we get an answer. Just be nice (I like Best of the Web) and make sure you mention you're doing this on my behalf and not Michelle's so she doesn't get in trouble.
We of the blogosphere must stick together!
...unless one hogs all the traffic and blends puppies.
In My World: The Independent Part II
* * * *
"So terrorists are still attacking right and left, people are getting kidnapped and killed, Satan is gaining in the polls, and we can't hail Aquaman on the Aquaphone," Bush stated, "I guess it's up to us to handle this all." He turned to Scott McClellan. "You need to talk to the press."
"Yes, sir!" Scott answered and ran out the door.
Bush looked to Cheney. "I'm up for some ping pong."
Cheney held up a paddle. "Sounds like you're ready to lose!"
* * * *
"What's with the White House’s personal attacks on Satan?"
"He's a very evil man... or demigod... or demon... or whatever," Scott said, "And we're going to call things as we see them."
"Isn't 'evil' a little harsh?" asked another reporter, "That seems to be bringing negative rhetoric to an unprecedented level."
"But he's Satan!" Scott said with frustration, "You just know that he's cooking up something evil!"
"What the voters seem to know is that everything is falling apart under Bush and that Satan has some real solutions to terrorism while John Kerry served in Vietnam."
"Is there a question there?" Scott asked angrily.
"Do you have any response to that?"
"Yes. The economy is on track, we have the right course set out for Iraq and the war on terror, and Satan is evil and John Kerry is a goober."
"Hi, this is Lefty Stevens from CNN," said another reporter, "Though I can't figure out how to work it into this topic, I feel the need to bring up Abu Grahib."
Scott groaned. "Okay, this press conference is over."
* * * *
"I don't like this Satan person," John Kerry said, "He has that... uh... that thing I don't have."
"Charisma?" Terry McAuliffe offered.
"Yes. He's stealing away my momentum... even though he never served in Vietnam. Why can't you do something about him?"
"We used to have such good relations," Terry said, "I guess he's gotten disappointed at our ability for evil lately."
"Maybe we could get him to drop out and support us if we burnt down an orphanage," Kerry suggested.
“Carville and I tried that yesterday," Terry answered, "That demon bastard is set on running. Don't worry, though, I have an evil plan to ruin his next big speech... so evil he could have thought of it himself. Muh ha ha ha!"
* * * *
"The fools! Soon I will have them eating out of my hand!" Satan proclaimed, "With their blind trust, I will lead them to their dooms!"
Bee rolled her eyes. "Your mike is on."
Satan was stunned for a second. He then turned to the crowd with a smile on his face. "I'm just joshing you guys. Anyway, it is time for real leadership... the real leadership you get from a true moderate who can bridge all gaps. Here now is a member of al Qaeda."
"It's great to be here, Satan!" said the terrorist, "You're a great guy!"
"Now, do you think you guys can stop the killing?" Satan asked.
"Anything for you, our evil master," the terrorist said, "With you in charge, we'll give up our violent ways and solve our problems like the Europeans... with long pointless debates!"
The crowd cheered.
"See, terrorism can be solved with out rash action," Satan said, "and..."
"Can we still kill jooos?" the terrorist asked.
"A few," Satan quickly answered, and then turned back to the crowd. "As I was saying..."
"Hey, Satan! It's me!" yelled a voice from the audience.
Satan spotted the interloper and then sighed. "Hello, Bill Clinton."
Clinton hopped on stage. "It's so great to see you again. You really helped me out back in the day."
"Think nothing of it," Satan said curtly, "Anyway, I'm trying to give a speech here..."
"I know! It's great!" Clinton exclaimed. He then looked to the crowd. "Satan here is a great guy! I'm still supporting John Kerry, though, because I think he'll best continue my style of leadership... a style of leadership I describe in my book My Life." He then held up a copy of his book. "It comes out tomorrow."
"This isn't a book promo for you!" Satan shouted.
"You're right," Clinton answered, "This is about you, Satan, and not about my book which describes in great detail how I'm the greatest president since... ever! So, any questions about Satan that I can answer by talking about me and my book?"
Satan flung his hands in the air in desperation and then sulked off stage.
"Let's take a question from Chomps, the world's angriest Clinton supporter," Clinton said, "I bet the vast right wing conspiracy is what has really made you mad." Clinton looked more carefully at his supporter. "Actually, it almost appears you're angry at me... very angry."
* * * *
"I remember when you said he was going to be your next Hitler."
"I think it goes without saying that he's been a disappointment to a lot of people," Satan responded, "I still believe there is some potential for that Hillary."
Bee shuddered. "She gives me the creeps. Anyway, you need to do something to keep Clinton from stealing your spotlight."
"What?" Satan asked with frustration, "I could burn him with hell's fire and he'd just go on all the talk shows telling everyone about it."
Bee looked over to the stage. "Actually, it appears that he's being thrashed about by an angry rottweiler right now."
"Good," Satan said with a smile, but then a thought struck him. "Hey, if that dog is here, that means..." He then stopped.
"Oh... nothing," Satan said as he lightly took hold of Bee and moved her a bit to the side. "Could you just stand here?"
Satan started running, and then Bee turned to look behind here. Charging her was Rumsfeld with a pitchfork in hand. "I'll teach you to steal my crops when I was a kid!"
"Ahh! Not again!" Bee shrieked and then started running. "That Satan can be such a bastard some times."
* * * *
Bush and Scott sat in front of a T.V. playing videogames. Laura Bush then walked into the room. "So have you solved the problem of Satan trying to run for president to bring an end to all humanity?" she asked.
Bush paused his game. "Uh... yes dear."
She looked at him suspiciously. "You were up all night playing videogames, weren't you?"
Bush looked to the floor. "Scott made me do it."
"I kept telling you I wanted to go to bed but you wouldn't let me!" Scott yelled.
"You can't just hide from this problem," Laura chided Bush, "You have to stand up to Satan and tell him he's a very bad man. Then you have to get him to stop running for president, even if you have to risk your own soul. That's what a real leader would do."
"You're right, dear!" Bush declared as he rose to his feet, "I'm going to stop Satan right now. I'll show the courage I have by marching right into the terrifying depths of hell and confronting the prince of darkness alone." He turned to Scott. "Oh, and you're coming with me."
June 20, 2004
Ronin Thought of the Day
This is from Hagakure: The Book of the Samurai:
A warrior should not say something fainthearted even casually. He should set his mind to this beforehand. Even in trifling matters the depths of one's heart can be seen.
Heed this wisdom and show the enemy your resolve.
June 19, 2004
June 18, 2004
Paul Johnson is Dead
One man is dead which means little in the scheme of things, a lot for one family, and everything for Paul Johnson.
I wonder what the terrorists who captured him were thinking - like my understanding will make much difference. They knew neither Saudi Arabia or the U.S. would negotiate with them, so why even attempt?
Then again, what do I care what the terrorist think? The different sides on the debate about terror reminds of a parody article from The Onion book Our Dumb Century. It was headlined:
Even in parody, Reagan had the right idea.
These people want us dead, and we don't need to try and win them over. We need to kill them.
Some will say that will only create more bin Laden's. Fine. We'll kill them too. Believe me, at some point they will run out. They point is, every time they push, we have to push back harder. Otherwise they will see weakness, and they will hit us harder and harder until we finally are forced to respond, and, if we act weak enough, they may one day hit us with something so devastating that we have no choice but to use the bomb against them.
And that comes to my small little revelation when reflecting upon all this: we are not the ones most at risk here. It's the people of the Middle East - millions and millions of them - who may end up dying if they can't get their act together. If they can't control the terrorists, we may have to act in overwhelming force to protect ourselves, and, in any situation, many more of them will die than ever will in America, even if the Isalmo-fascists get their grubby hands on a bomb or two.
That's why resolve is important. We have to show them that we are some bloodthirsty sons of bitches who will demand a pound of flesh for every time we are scratched. Screw whether the Europe likes us or not. Screw whether people in the Middle East like us or not. Screw whether the governments are force-feeding their people propaganda against us or not. Screw whether Islam is capable of peace or not. We need to get in there and kill indiscriminately anyone who threatens us, regardless of what country's permission we get.
We need to be one bold voice: We are America, and, if you try and stand between us and our safety, we will hurt you.
I need to do something, and the best I can figure is to make sure people know who are enemy is, what they do, what they believe, and who they killed. Then the battle cry among the people will be, "Kill the bastards!" drowning out any whines from the few liberal hold-outs.
Any other attitude than that, and more people will die... on both sides.
Or at least that's how I see it. Just felt I had to say something.
They killed Paul Johnson.
Rest in peace.
Never Forget They're at War with Each and Every One of Us
It's only a couple hours until the end of the day in Saudi Arabia, though the exact deadline the terrorists put before they will murder Paul Johnson is unknown.
A few prayers would be good for him, his family, and those desperately trying to find him.
UPDATE: It is now being reported that Paul Johnson has been beheaded by his captors. I don't have much else to say right now.
Frank J., a Poweful Enemy and an Adequate Blogger
As I said before, anyone who is an enemy of Michelle Malkin is now an enemy of me, and thus it looks like the Wall Street Journal might be my enemy.
Apparently, they've blacklisted Michelle for her criticizing their views on immigration that lead to more terrorists sneaking into our county - the last country we want terrorists sneaking into!
Well, it's not time to pull the Filthy Lie out of my arsenal just yet. I've been reading Best of the Web for a long time now and respect James Taranto. Thus, Monday morning I'll write him a reasoned e-mail asking him "what's up, yo?" and I urge you to do the same (but wait until I e-mail first; also, make sure you say you're doing this on my behest so as not to get Michelle in any trouble). Hopefully then we'll get some answers in the Monday edition of Best of the Web.
We in the blogosphere must stick together (unless, of course, we disagree on stuff). A blogosphere divided against itself... well... makes for an interesting read.
Anyhoo, more on this Monday.
While we're on the issue of other bloggers to be grateful for, a large part of my success is from the recognition of Emperor Darth Misha I who has a great essay on what Bush needs to do. Bush is smarter is than I pretend he is, though, and I'm still hopeful he'll make mincemeat out of Kerry.
And if he doesn't...
Also, did Rachel Lucas run away again?
Somewhere Right Now a French General is Cussing Up a Storm
It's Blackfive's one year blogiversary. If I was any part of his success in getting readers, then I consider it one of the greatest accomplishments of my blog.
I was the first to link to Blackfive after he sent me this story, but I almost didn't because it was so hilarious and unbelievable I thought it might be an urban legend. If you still haven't read it yet, go do so now. And, if you have, it's worth revisiting.
Of course, Blackfive has done a lot of great posting since and has been a great and unique addition to the blogosphere, something we all strive to be. Here's another great post of his with some personal signifigance to me.
:: raises glass ::
Here's to another great year, Blackfive.
Ronin Thought of the Day
Today's wisdom comes from Master Samurai and former leader of America, Theodore Toshiro Roosevelt:
To educate a man in mind and not in morals is to create a menace to society.
Heed his words.
Frank J., Political Power Broker
I just realized something: now that I'm 25, I'm old enough to be a U.S. Representative. Problem is, there is already a conservative Republican representative from my district, Dave Weldon, and he doesn't seem to be planning on retiring or dying any time soon (phooey). I could run for one of those podunk local offices I never heard or bothering voting on, but that’s just not right for me.
Maybe instead of being a politician, I should be one of those guys who works behind the scenes and pulls all the strings like Karl Rove. I'd always be standing in the shadows with all you'd see of me being the lit end of my cigarette.
But cigarettes are bad for you.
Anyway, I should do something. Florida is a battleground state, plus we have a vacated Senate seat up for grabs (which I'm five years too young to try and claim; stupid Constitution). I'm just afraid that if I sign up with local GOP, they'll simply have me knocking on doors and doing phone calls (which I did during my college years). I'm too much of a genius for that. I should have some luxurious office where I strategize and then have the lesser people do the footwork. To help convince them of my use, here are some ideas I already came up with:
* Disenfranchise Democrats by making an extra confusing triple butterfly ballot that takes at least a third grade education to understand.
* Release angry, disease infected monkeys in heavily Democrat districts on Election Day.
* Secretly gain illegal foreign contributions. With that money... wait, for'ners hate Republicans. Hmmm...
* I know: daring daylight robbery of the Democrat's foreign campaign contributions. I'll need a ski mask and a second .45 to pull this off (it's not daring unless you have dual-.45's). The leader of the GOP in Florida will have to be coy about the sudden increase in funds, attributing it to a "daring daylight fundraiser."
* We need to get Reno come down here for some big speaking engagement to anger the Cubans. Good 'ole angry Cubans; always voting Republican.
* In places where lots of confused old people try to vote for Democrats, have punk kids with their baggy pants hang out in front of the polling places scaring the elderly away. Yes, that just how innovative I am: I found a use for punk kids.
* Write a thoughtful editorial. Nothing will sway the public’s opinion like a thoughtful editorial.
* Imply John Kerry is gay in an editorial (not that there's anything wrong with that). It shouldn't be too hard to prove (not that it would sway anyone's vote). I just think it's worth mentioning to the public that John Kerry is really, really gay (though there is really, really nothing wrong with that).
* Threaten people who vote Democrat with violence. Say we secretly put cameras in polling places and will wreak a terrible vengeance on all those who support the vile donkey-men. I'm pretty sure the McCain-Feingold "reforms" say nothing about violent threats.
* Instead of debates, challenge Democrats to kung-fu battles. Use secrets of death touch to bring quick end to political discourse.
* Pray to God to hit Democrat districts with terribly snow storms. Then again, this is Florida, so that's pretty improbably. I doubt God could actually do it. I mean You're a great guy and all, God, but that's probably even too much for You. Don't worry; I won't think much less of You if snow storms don't attack Democrats on election day.
* Then again, maybe trying to subtly goad God into politically bullying isn't a smart idea. Instead, I'll just sacrifice a bull.
* Let's declare all Democrats enemy combatants and ship them off to Gitmo. When the ACLU complains... Gitmo! Be nice to the terrorists; they bite.
* Many Democrats think that Republicans are rich, powerful, gun-toting thugs. Let's remind them that those are great reason not to piss us off.
I am such a genius. As soon as I'm given the reigns of power, the air will fill with the lamentations of our enemies. Muh ha ha ha!
Remember to vote Republican.
June 17, 2004
It's Not the Act That's Important; It's the Commission of the Act
So the 9/11 Commission has found no link between Iraq and al Qaeda on attacking on the September 11th attack. So what? Do they expect us to apologize to Saddam now or something? He had what was coming, and everyone should be happy.
So why are we wasting money on a commission like this? I have some better ideas for commissions and studies the government could do:
TOP TEN PROPOSED GOVERNMENT COMMISSIONS AND STUDIES
10. Commission to find out what things are most fun to burn.
9. Study of the cost benefit ratio to make missile guidance systems accurate enough to guide a cruise missile directly up a terrorist's ass.
8. Commission to find what caused the Clinton presidency and reelection and what steps are needed to prevent it from ever happening again.
7. Study on the size of Ted Kennedy's head and its affect on troop morale.
6. Commission to find who owns the green Ford Taurus in the parking lot that has its headlights on.
5. Study of what are the root causes of a terrorists’ mentality and how different caliber bullets affect that thinking.
4. Commission to root out monkey influence in government and Hollywood.
3. Commission to investigate where have all the flowers gone.
2. Study on the cause and prevention of hippies.
And the number one proposed commission or study…
Commision to find out why IMAO.us doesn't get more traffic.
Ronin Thought of the Day
Today, we consult Sun Tzu:
Thus it is that in war the victorious strategist only seeks battle after the victory has been won, whereas he who is destined to defeat first fights and afterwards looks for victory.
Understand this and be fulfilled.
Bite-Sized Wisdom: Smart, Important People Against Bush, the Clinton Documentary and Portrait, the Cost of Marital Fidelity, and It Was Self-Defense; I Swear!
* There is a coalition of former diplomats against Bush, and we should like listen to them because they're diplomats - well, former ones. Of course, I don't what kinds of diplomats they are; it could be like when they say there are all these scientists who agree that global warming will destroy the planet and then you find out some of the scientists who made this conclusion are specialized in the breeding habits of fruit flies.
All I'm saying is, at this point, I wouldn't give them any more consideration than the coalition of drunken hobos against Bush.
* And where is Kerry's coalition of unnamed former leaders in support of him?
* Apparently someone made a Clinton documentary. I don't know much about, such as whether it's going to be on the big screen or go straight to adult video stores.
* Sorry. Obvious joke. I should write for Leno.
* While we're on the topic of Bill Clinton, they recently unveiled the Bill Clinton presidential portrait and the Hillary Clinton gargoyle.
* Okay, now I need like the web version of a rim shot.
* Apparently Iraqis don't like us. Just one thing: who cares? It's our job to get things done; we'll leave being liked to the impotent Old Europe. The Iraqis just better live happily in freedom after we leave or they're really going to get it!
* What do you go on to from Speaker of the House? Apparently an Amazon.com reviewer. And who say politicians never contribute to society. So does he recommend any good books with tips on hunting giraffes?
* Worried that you husband is cheating you? Well, the secret to marital fidelity isn't love, honor, and commitment; instead, it's PAINFUL INJECTIONS TO THE BRAIN!
Yes, studies show that even the most gigolo of voles can be made faithful by inserting a certain gene into its brain. Whether this will work on humans is uncertain, but there are some similarities between voles and humans in how they don't like PAINFUL INJECTIONS TO THE BRAIN!
Actually, I can already see how this will be effective:
WIFE: "You better stop looking at other women, Roy, or it's PAINFUL INJECTIONS TO THE BRAIN!"
* Some people thought my "I can't wait until I get mugged!" comment from my recent (and sub-par) range report was a bad idea. My commenters seemed to understand it was a joke (though this muckadoo didn't), but are concerned that, if, heaven forbid, I one day end up in self-defense shooting, a prosecutor could use that statement against me.
Well, I would just like to tell this hypothetical prosecutor that the statement was most certainly a joke. I always carry responsibly and never look for trouble. Any implications that I'm like the Charles Bronson character from Death Wish is completely crazy and inaccurate.
What? You're not buying that?
Uh... then... I didn't write that at all! The mugger's family must have hired someone to hack into my website and add that statement to set me up. That shooting was purely self-defense, and any implications...
So what if he was shot in the back of the head? I, as unlikely as it sounds, missed, and the bullet ricocheted off a wall and hit him in the back of the head.
What? Pre-fragmented ammo doesn't ricochet? Is that what your ballistics "expert" is telling you? What the hell does he know?
Oh, he wrote that book? I thought his name sounded familiar. Gee, then... uh...
Screw this. I'm now pleading insanity.
I am the lizard king!
June 16, 2004
Attack of the Mutant Wasp
I Destroy What I Don't Understand
Someone Please Tell Me What I Done Killed
What the hell is this?
I get home today, and I find this damn thing buzzing about. So I stun it using chemical warfare (can of Raid), and, once it fell to the ground, I finished it off with more traditional weaponry (my shoe).
But what is it? It looks like a wasp, but the bulbous thing which I assume has its stinger is attached to the main body my some thin small tail. In its death spasms, that part was flailing around wildly like it was another limb.
I guess this weekend I'm going to take my Raid, a hose, and my bokken (wooden practice sword) and make sure there are no more wasp nests on my house. Better consult my previous conpendium of wasp knowledge first.
New T-Shirt Update
I've been trying to work on a design for a Chomps t-shirt, and I'm starting to come to a conclusion that it might be too difficult. Can one really draw the world's angriest dog as to satisfy people's expectations?
Anyway, I'm no artist, but I made some sketches of what I think I want - Chomps growling and just about to burst - and then did a bad scan of those sketches.
Feh. I already knew I couldn't pull this off, the question is it worth risking paying an artist to make an attempt. Because, if Chomps isn't kick ass cool, it's all for naught.
So, do you think I should still pursue the Chomps t-shirt or work on another?
If Only We Had a Space Laser to Get These Guys
I wish the strategy used in the movie Ransom would work against the murderers who kidnapped Paul Johnson, but I don't think it will ("A message for those who captured Paul Johnson: here are the violent Al Qaeda terrorists you want released, but this is the closest you will ever get to them. Instead I'm offering them to whoever captures you!").
Well, I hope someone is doing something. Best we can do now is pray.
If Only Thieves Were Smart
Can a man walk out of a electronics store with $4000 worth of merchandise, even stopping to chat with a cashier before exiting to freedom? Find out in this great example of social engineering.
(hat tip to Crypto-Grams, a great newsletter for anyone interested in security, computer or otherwise)
Ronin Thought of the Day
Today we consult A Book of Five Rings (Go Rin No Sho) written by Miyamoto Musashi, considered by many to be the greatest samurai who ever lived.
The Gaze in Strategy
Practice this so as not be overwhelmed by the enemy.
Pax Ex Viro Et Laseris
Things are getting tense, I tells ya. We have to get things done right in Iraq so that it's known around the world that America will always follow through on what we say and that we murder any sons of bitches who f**k with us. And we have to do it before January just in case, 'cause Lord knows John F'n Kerry ain't gonna get it done.
We have work cut out for us, people. I saw a headline yesterday on CNN: "Accused Abu Ghraib contractor: Guards told to keep prisoners awake". Well boo-f**king-hoo. Yeah, isn't that horrible; some scumbags didn't get their nappies all because we're trying to stop terrorism. Here's a little tip for people who want more sleep: DON'T SHOOT AT AMERICANS!
Actually, most who do end up with all the sleep they want, but now I'm sidetracked.
The point - and I swear this time I have one for real - is that if we were a tough and resolved society, we would not have headlines like that. Worrying endlessly about that crap makes us look weak and makes terrorist dumbasses think they can attack us. That just not right.
Remember when Reagan didn't know the mike was on and joked about how "the bombing starts in five minutes!"? Well, I don't, because I was too young, but I sure have heard plenty about it, and the Soviets were actually scared it was going to happen. They thought we were so crazy-loco, we just might do it. That's what we need again.
I don't want this to be a re-hash of Nuke the Moon, but we have problems to fix. Vietnam is run by Commies, Somalia is still war torn, and Castro walks and breathes as we speak - all glaring failures. That means we have a lot of work ahead of us to get the terrorists from wanting to kill us to fearing us like an angry god.
First off, don't take s**t from the goobers. When the Red Cross the other day said we either had to charge Saddam or let him go, the immediate response should have been to knock the Red Cross representatives into a puddle of mud and shout, "You don't tell us what to do! We're America! We have nukes! We do whatever the hell we want, and no one - NO ONE - can stop us! We'll give Saddam a trial consisting of asking, 'Are you Saddam?', and, as soon as he says yes, we'll immediately proceed to execute him in a most painful and lengthy way. And, if you feel like objecting, I'll just warn you not to get in our way when we're already in a kill'n mood!"
Methods like this should soon keep us from having to deal with pansy-ass crap and leave us to deal solely with the real issue: eradicating evil.
We all hear about the evil Iraqis out there who blow up people and then desecrate the corpses. Well, celebration of evil is bad, and we have to put that in their heads. It's kinda like if a dog keeps getting in the trash, put a mouse trap in there. The shock will then teach the dog to stay out of the trash. We can in the same way teach people that terrorist evil equals pain. First, we take some dead terrorists (I'm sure we have plenty to spare), and stage a phony attack making it look like cars of Americans were blown up. When people run over to celebrate, we then set off a real bomb taking out the whole lot of evil Iraqis while at the same time a plane flies over blaring this over a loudspeaker.
Bet they'll be pretty hesitant after that to celebrate what they think to be a terrorist attack.
Of course, more explosive is not going to solve the problem; that just puts us on their level. We need to take things to the next level to really reign supreme.
Imagine this: there's been a terrorists attack and bunch of Islamo-fascists start celebrating. On stage is a revered blind and/or crippled cleric. He starts to give a speech praising Allah and saying how great it is that America has been attacked. Just as he gets the crowd riled, suddenly a bright light comes from the sky bursting the cleric into flames. The crowd runs in terror as if God Himself is raining His wrath down upon them.
That right people; it's time for the space-based laser.
Sure, lasers for shooting down nuclear missiles are in the works, but that's not going to frighten terrorist dumbasses. We need something that can target them personally.
You may be saying that seems like a lot of money to build something that takes out one human target at a time and that nuclear weapons are already more destructive, but then you're missing the beauty of this. With our laser, we can take out any person at anytime (we'll even equip with infrared to see through buildings), and the weapon will be where those retards could never hope of reaching it. Our enemies will quiver every moment of every day, knowing their death could come at anytime if we so please, and there is nothing - NOTHING - they can do. That's why I'll call it the Satellite for Mind-f**king, Intimidating, and Terminating the Enemy - or S.M.I.T.E. for short.
Here are some technical drawings I have of the concept:
I hope that's enough to get the grant money flowing my way. We must do this to have global supremacy. Now, I'm an electrical engineer, but I'll need someone with knowledge about lasers and someone with knowledge about space to get this done.
The future is coming people, and we need our space lasers.
June 15, 2004
Ninjas, Lasers, and Gold!
I'm Half Guinness and Fighting
This almost makes metric football seem exciting. And, is it just me, or do you think the snake with the cigarette dangling out of its mouth is supposed to be a Frenchman?
Also, how long can you play this thing continuously before it gets tiresome? For me, it's more than fifteen minutes at least.
June 12th Range Report
I'm kinda embarrassed to post this one, but maybe embarrassment will help me strive to do better.
First off, let me just explain that I tried to apply some paint to the sights on my .45 since they're black and hard to see in low light. Apparently I did so poorly, as that could only be the explanation for these (NOTE: for all targets, three magazines were emptied into them):
Oy. Anyway, next I went to my little Ket-Tec. Going from single action only to double action only, my first shot went wild. Also, I still had some jamming, but always on the final round (the casing of the second to last round wouldn't get fully ejected). Other than that, it was great to fire, and I ended up firing it pretty rapidly. Also, I loaded the six round
Next is my Walther PPK/S after being looked at by a gunsmith. No jamming this time, but the first double action shot sometimes had problems, not firing the bullet and requiring a second trigger pull. No problem with single action, though. Since this is my back-up gun, I also practiced with my off-hand.
Finally, I fired my Walther P99 which I hadn't taken to the range in sometime. I used those emasculated 10 round magazines (I wish I could get some 16 round magazines for it). I also fired it left-handed since I have a new holster where I could use it as a backup gun. The first shot of each magazine was double-action like with the PPK.
Finally, I got my holster from Graham's Leather, the backpocket cookie for my Kel-Tec. Now, anytime I want to carry I can just put this in my backpocket. I can't wait until I get mugged!
I now have RoadRunner as an advertiser. As anyone who has gotten an e-mail may have notice (and sorry for getting so behind on responding), I am a RoadRunner user myself. I've had other cable modem services before, and they tended to drop out all the time. I can't recall my RoadRunner service going out even once. So, if you're thinking of moving out of the Stone Age and giving up your dial up service, check out RoadRunner.
Also, check out all my other advertisers. If not, then you are a thief for reading my webpage, and I hate thieves...
For Honor and the Gipper
Since I'm always so busy Monday night, I've decided to make Tuesday "Entertain Your Own Damn Selves Day" (though I do plan on having some more posts later today).
Today, the topic of discussion is how to properly keep Reagan's memory alive and continue the fight for honor in his name. People may act like they all liked Reagan now, but remember they hated him even worse than Bush back in the day. While idiots now worry that Bush willmake allies angry at us, the muckadoos back in the 80's were convinced Reagan was going to start a nuclear holocaust killing us all. His enemies and the enemies of America were and still are many, so it is up to us to fight.
First off, I have some new logos. Some people didn't like anything over the flag, so here is a new simple banner for an American Ronin:
Note to International Readers: You don't have to live in America be an American Ronin; you just have to fight for the true American principles of liberty and the destruction of evil.
Tom Hoyt also made some banners:
I'll let him explain them. For 1-3:
6-5Ronin = Reagan died on 6/5, and 6-5 Ronin has a good ring to it in Japanese (not to mention the slightly frightening image of a 6' 5" ronin). On the right is the date, center is "ronin," on the left the motto from the USS Reagan, "Peace Through Strength" and then "Reagan group," though group in Japanese is used for anything from a kindergarten class to a warrior unit or mafia gang.
Just has 6/5 in the background and ronin in the foreground; I should have picked a different color for the date
Has 6 / 5 and ronin on it; I liked the juxtaposition of Japanese with Arabic numerals
As we settle on a banner, I hope to make a page specifying what to do to be one of Reagan's Ronin. I had a first draft at a list already, but I need more ideas on how to actively fight for the principles of liberty in Reagan's name. When I have all the requirements down for being an American Ronin, then I'll make a page devoted exclusively to this.
First off, all should have a shrine to Master Ronin so that you may reflect on your duties daily. This shrine shall consist of a bowl of jellybeans (preferably Jelly Belly). It is permissible and encouraged to eat these jellybeans when reflect on your duties to freedom and the fight against evil, but the bowl should never go empty.
Also, one should be knowledgeable in the works of Master Reagan to defend him from slander. You can let no unkind words of Reagan go unchallenged.
Foremost, you must do something every day to fight for freedom and keep the American spirit alive.
Now, your assignment for today is to come up with some activities we can all do to keep Master Reagan's legacy alive and fight those who wish to weaken our resolve. Also, what are a good list of books and articles so we can educate ourselves on Master Reagan? Please put these in the comment section and continue your day with honor.
UPDATE: Also, what would be a good slogan or battle cry (and no one say, "Spooooon!")?
June 14, 2004
Our Military XIX
Here are more readers explanations of why they joined the military. I'd like to keep this going as long as I can, so, if you'd like to give your own explanation of why you joined the military or have a military story, please e-mail me with the subject "Military". Thanks.
* * * *
Why did I join the Military? Let see the choices were being Drafted into the Army & going the tropical paradise known as Vietnam, or joining a branch of service that not enjoying that paradise. So I joined the Coast Guard (which had just pulled out of Vietnam the year before). I thought the war in Vietnam was bad, not because we were there, but we weren't allowed to win. The service taught me several things (other than the skill of electronics repair): it taught me how to be and act like a man, how to work with other people (even though you do not like them), it taught me camaraderie (sailor bar fights), and self sacrifice (having to save a stranded fishing boat in a raging hurricane, plus our unofficial motto was "You have to go out, but you don't have to come back").
Grew up reading about WWII and Korea. Found the American Heritage history series in the school library. Took up building models as a hobby, first aircraft, later ships and tanks. Would sneak downstairs to watch 12 o'clock High (came on at 10pm Friday). Thought the pilot episode of Combat was the best of the series (had American tanks, even though they got knocked out.)
I joined the Marines in 1999, signing on for a stint in the infantry. It was something I always wanted to do. I am proud of my country and I felt that this would be a good way to pay the debt I owe to so many men who have served this great nation. I fought in Iraq last year, and I must say that it felt good to go over there and take care of business since we missed out on kicking the Taliban out of Afghanistan. There are a lot of people in that part of the world that needed (and still need) killing. I am still serving with a reserve infantry unit in Utah while I am going to college.
John Hawkings of Right Wing News has another poll of conservative bloggers, this time of their favorite fictional characters. As one would suspect, that would get a pretty diverse number of entries. I was surprised that the Man with No Name and Inigo Montoya made the list as I voted for them thinking no one else would.
Also of note, there is only one female on the list, and I never heard of her.
Anyway, here are the twenty-five I picked (not ranked):
1. Dirty Harry Callahan
As you might notice, I forgot James Bond. I even remember thinking of him as someone to put on the list (and I had just been firing my Walther PPK and P99 the day before). Also, I considered putting Samwise Gamgee on my list, but something about that boy just ain't right ("Don't worry, Mr. Frodo sir; one day the darkness will pass and we'll be back in the Shire. Until then, why I don't I give you a foot massage.").
Ronin Thought of the Day
This was sent in by my brother, Joe foo' the Marine, and is from the wise P. J. O'Rourke:
Moore's new book, Dude, Where's My Country?, contains ten chapters of fulminations convincing the convinced. However, Moore does include one chapter on how to argue with a conservative. As if. Approached by someone like Michael Moore, a conservative would drop a quarter in Moore's Starbucks cup and hurriedly walk away.
Bask in its wisdom and be at peace.
In My World: The Independent
"Ahh," Bush sighed as he relaxed in his office chair, "It's so nice to relax a bit and know that I'm up for reelection against a total goober and that nothing could go wrong. That's right: nothing can go wrong." He basked in the nothing wrongness for a moment. "Not a thing could go wrong." He put his feet up on his desk. "Nothing at all wrong could go and such and so forth."
Over the intercom, Cheney shouted, "Mr. President, something has gone terribly wrong!"
* * * *
"A new independent as entered the presidential race," the anchorwoman announced, "He's heavily financed and it looks like he's making a serious bid for the presidency. We go now live to his press conference."
A handsome man in a well tailored suit stepped up to the podium. "It's time for the politics of division to end, and that's not going to happen by reelecting a hard line right-winger or putting a wishy-washy liberal into office. Instead you need a moderate like me with the experience of uniting people of all backgrounds for a common cause. Thus, I'm starting the Satan in 2004 campaign."
"Not the prince of darkness!" Bush shouted at the T.V. screen. He then turned to Cheney. "Or is he the 'king of darkness' now? I really haven't been following that."
"Just watch," Cheney growled.
"Lucifer, do you think you could be a spoiler in this race?" a reporter asked.
"First off, don't call me Lucifer; that's my slave name. Second, this isn't like that silly Nader candidacy; I'm in this to win."
"What political experience do you bring?"
"I've run hell since the beginning of time," Satan answered, "and it has a population even greater than America. I think I'm more than qualified."
"Is it true you tried to overthrow God?"
"Are you going to fault me for being ambitious?" Satan chuckled, "I disagreed with God on a few key issues, but, in the end, that's a dispute between me and Him. Anyway, I'm giving up that eternal conflict to run for president now."
"Are you responsible for Hitler, Satan?"
"Believe me, that mustache and hair style was all his choice," he said with a smile, and the press laughed.
"He's witty and charming!" Bush exclaimed, "We need to keep him out of the debates!"
"No reason to panic until we see some polling," Cheney said.
"Doom!" Karl Rove exclaimed as he emerged from the shadows. "The elders prophesized that once the warrior known as Reagan fell, evil would walk the earth again and mount an effective campaign."
"Do you really think he'll take votes away from me?" Bush asked, "I mean; he's evil... he should do well with the Democrats."
"Satan's dark appeal can draw any who is weak in will," Rove stated.
"I just want people to know," Satan said, “That I’m for good things everyone likes and against bad things.”
"He sounds like a nice guy!" Bush exclaimed, "I think I might vote for him."
Cheney slapped Bush upside the head and shut off the T.V. "Keep focused."
"Ow," Bush sobbed, "Well, who was that blond woman next to him?"
"That's Beelzebub, fallen angel and shrewd campaigner," Rove answered, "Every candidate she ever worked for has always won, often with more than ninety percent of the vote. Of course, that’s because they're often dictators holding sham elections."
"A sham election!" Bush exclaimed, "That's a great idea! How do we do one of those?"
Cheney hit Bush again.
"Ow! Okay; let's have a strategy session."
* * * *
"I don't get it," Scot McClellan said, "Is Satan even eligible to run for president?"
"That's a good question," Bush answered, "and an even better question is who let Scott in on our strategy session?"
"I can answer the first question," Rove stated, "Apparently Satan owns an estate in Massachusetts, but spends most of his time in hell for tax purposes."
"I don't know why you're all worried about this devil character," Rumsfeld growled, "Back when I was a kid, the earth used to crack open spewing forth devils all the time. We'd just fight them off with pitchforks to keep them from getting our crops. Let's just pitchfork this joker too. I don't have enough pitchforks for everyone, though; you'll have to supply your own."
"Let's just keep that pitchfork idea in the back of our minds for right now," Bush said, "Now let's look at some regular tactics such as muckraking. So, does this Satan character have any dark secrets in his past we know about?"
"You're an idiot," Condi sighed.
"No, dark secret about him," Bush corrected her, "Like, do we know of any instances of him lying?"
"He lied to Adam and Eve about the forbidden fruit," Scott offered.
"That's a start," Bush said, "So do we have documentation of that?"
Bush thought for a moment. "I think we need something better that. Is there any unpopular policies he has been on record supporting."
"He's Satan!" Condi shouted, "His policies are of famine, death, and destruction."
"And people don't like famine, death, and destruction," Bush pointed out excitedly, "That's a good start. We'll hit him on that."
"If you fail to defeat him," Rove warned ominously, "It will mean the destruction of all humanity."
"You said the same thing about Gore," Bush responded.
"It's still true."
"I think we need to take drastic action then," Bush stated solemnly. He then turned to Cheney. "Dick, you're off the ticket."
Bush picked up the phone in front of him and dialed a number. "Hello, Jesus, this is President Bush... What do you mean how did I get your number? I'm the President of the United States. We have everything on file. We even have plans stashed away somewhere to invade Heaven if we one day deem it a threat. But that's not important; I want you to be my running mate... What do you mean you don't want to get involved in politics? But we need your help to defeat Satan... But if I'm helping myself, why would I need your help anymore? ...That's neat how you're making a sound just like a dial tone, but that walking on water trick was a much cooler." Bush was silent for a moment. He then put down the phone. "Jesus hung up on me! Well, I guess we'll need to find someone else who's experienced with defeating Satan." Bush thought for a moment. "I know! Arnold Schwarzenegger! He once defeated Satan."
"That was a movie!" Cheney shouted.
"Yeah, he made a lot of great movies," Bush said and then started laughing. "Remember that one comedy where he got that boring, corrupt guy thrown out of office and then replaced him in a special election to become Governor of California? That was hilarious! What was it called... Total Recall?"
"That was real life!" Cheney screamed. He then got up. "Fine. Satan is going to be elected president and humanity is doomed. I'm going to the bar. Who is with me?"
"I hate meetings that aren't about war," Rumsfeld grumbled.
* * * *
"So what's the polling say, Bee," Satan asked.
"You're easily grabbing the undecided," she answered, "but it will take more work to get you past either Kerry or Bush."
"It will be an easy task," Satan proclaimed, "The pathetic humans shall soon fall for my wiles."
"Still, I'd recommend picking a running mate from the Bible Belt where you're polling very poorly," Bee said.
"We'll do what's needed," Satan declared, "and then victory will be ours. Our only challenge is that idiot Bush and Kerry who is a total goober."
"This better not end like your other plans where we get cast down into hell and are tormented by penal flames," Bee warned.
Satan rolled his eyes. "We'll quit going on about the penal flames?" Satan said, "This plan can't fail because God can't intercede. He gave his pathetic creations free will, and with that will they will cast the ballot for me. Then I will control America and make it a inviting place that the world will embrace… and then be destroyed along with us. Muh hahaha!"
"Fine," Bee answered, "but quit it with the evil laugh. You accidentally do that in public it will permanently cost you at least a percentage point."
* * * *
"Unlike the other candidates, I can defeat terrorism without any violence," Satan said as he walked through a desert, "That's because I'm someone who can talk to them."
A terrorist then shouted, "Hey! It's Satan!" and ran up to him. He then faced the camera and said, "We may hate the great Satan, but the regular Satan - he's all right!"
The screen then said, "Satan in 2004: Give in to your feelings."
Another commercial then started with images of plague and death. "Satan is evil and wishes nothing but destruction," Bush narrated, "So don't vote for him." A smiling picture of Bush then came on screen. "But I'm a nice guy, so vote for me. Oh, and don't vote for Kerry either; he's a goober."
The screen then said: "Bush in 2004: Of the three evils, he’s certainly one of the lesser."
John Kerry turned away from the T.V. screen to look towards his butler. "Does this Satan guy really then he can beat me?" Kerry asked, "Did he even serve in Vietnam?"
"I don't think so, sir," the butler answered.
Kerry then looked at a box in front of him. "These aren't my medals! Whose are these?" he exclaimed, and then handed the box to his butler. "Jeeves, could you go toss these over a wall for me?"
June 13, 2004
Ronin Thought of the Day
This come from Hagakure: The Book of the Samurai:
Our bodies are given life from the midst if nothingess. Existing where there is nothing is the meaning of the phrase, "Form is emptiness." That all things are provided for by nothingness is the meaning of the phrase, "Emptiness is form." One should not think that these are two separate things.
Reflect upon it.
Caption Contest Winners
So the winning caption of the Chirac/Schroeder hug is...
"Feel like invading anything French, Mein Herr?"
So, Ned Schnittt gets marginal recognition by me. There you are marginally recognized.
And I give suck up points to Jayme for:
"What do you mean youv'e never heard of imao.us???"
Finally, since people seem to think I'm supposed to pick a winner every time I announced a caption contest, the winning caption for the picture of the world's most handsome Muslim cleric is:
"Please, sir, more C-4?"
So I'll give marginal recognition to Dave in Texas, too, plus bonus points for making a reference to classical literature.
Geek points go to blind_mute for:
What kinda cleric is this guy if he can't cast Magic Missile?
Special bonus points go to beo for an appropriately applying a Princess Bride quote:
Wesley: "To the pain" means the first thing you lose will be your feet below the ankles. Then your hands at the wrists, next your nose.
Finally, more bonus points for a classical film reference to LC Mr Minority for:
Dude, Where's My Hand ?
Thanks for playing, everyone.
June 12, 2004
Welcome to the Jungle, Baby!
In case you don't know, one of my favorite syndicated columnists, Michelle Malkin, now has a blog. She seems to be updating it pretty regularly, and, even better, she's permalinked me! Maybe it's because I sent her a nice greeting letter:
Okay, maybe it wasn't the nicest greeting, but you should have seen what I sent Margaret Cho.
UPDATE: She responded with proper reverence:
Dear Frank J -
Anyone who is an enemy of Michelle Malkin is now an enemy of me.
Oh, and for anyone curious about the Margaret Cho e-mail, I'm afraid those bits went down the memory hole when I made my haphazrd switch to XP.
Well, I hope Michelle's post on becoming a columnist is informative. If so, soon we'll all be syndicated columnists.
I Novelist: 500 Word Story
When I'm not at my regular 9 to 5 job, working on my blog, or engaged in my meager social life, I'm working on becoming a novelist.
I have a lot of work to do.
Anyway, I thought maybe I'd share more of my quest towards writing excellence and publication with you guys. In my writing group, we recently had an exercise where we each had to write a story that was exactly 500 words long (sans title). Here's mine:
“Weird,” Doug observed as he scanned his surroundings. He couldn’t make out the walls or the ceiling; it was just all pure white. The only certain thing was the floor, a hard surface unblemished by his footprints.
Doug grimaced at a loud scraping sound and turned to see a man walking towards him dragging two wooden chairs. “Have a seat, Doug,” the man said as he unbuttoned his suit jacket and sat down.
“Where am I?” Doug asked as he sat also.
“Nowhere, really,” the man answered, “Anyway…”
“Where did you find these chairs?” Doug asked as he grabbed the backing and shook it.
“That’s not important,” the man said patiently but quickly, “What we are about to talk about has relevance to the rest of your eternal existence.”
A revelation struck Doug upside the head. “Oh man! I’m dead, aren’t I?”
“No… not at this moment.”
“You look familiar,” Doug said, “Do I know you?”
The man’s smile made Doug shudder. “I’m sure we’ve met before, but you probably don’t remember me. As I was saying, our time is short; currently you’re unconscious due to the carbon monoxide in your apartment, but soon you will asphyxiate.”
“As… phi… wha?”
“Suffocate,” the man said.
“But I have carbon monoxide detectors!” Doug protested.
“Those are just smoke detectors, Doug.”
Panic flared through Doug. “Wake up!” he shouted into the air.
The man grabbed Doug by his head and stared him straight in the eyes. “You’re going to die, Doug; nothing can change that now. Your mortal life is ending; we need to talk about your eternal one.”
“Who are you?”
The man settled back in his chair and adjusted his tie. “I go by many names…”
Doug chewed on that for a moment. “Would one of those happen to be… Satan?”
The man shrugged. “Well…”
In a blink of an eye, Doug was on his feet and holding his chair above his head. “You’re not taking me to hell, Satan! I just made a donation to the Salvation Army, goddammit!”
Lucifer didn’t move. “Calm down, Doug. I’m not taking you to hell. The determination of that will be your final judgment…”
“My judgment!” Doug exclaimed. He didn’t think it would go over well that, right before meeting God, he was talking to Satan. “He came to me; not me to him!” Doug shouted into the air. He then dropped the chair he was holding. “See, I’m not even touching his evil chair!”
“You have free will,” Lucifer said as he stood up and buttoned his suit jacket, “You can hear me out. As you can tell from your own reaction, I’m fighting quite an uphill battle in the propaganda wars. What I just want to tell you my side before you leave the mortal realm. My story is of an epic battle of rebellion against a tyrannical and powerful force. He wants you to be His mindless sheep, while I…” Lucifer then glanced at his watch. “Christ. We’re out of time.”
June 11, 2004
I know from my grandfather's funeral that members of the military find it a special honor to take part in any ceremony honoring their own in their final rest. I was curious about what it must be like to be part of Reagan's honor guard, and Blackfive has the remarks of two soldiers who carried Reagan's casket.
I seem to be the king of coming up with new ideas and not following through. I like this idea of Reagan's Ronin, though, because it’s something I can just integrate into my regular blogging by giving me more focus. Yes, I'm mainly just a silly humor site, and they'll take my silly humor from my cold dead hands, but important things are happening in the world and I want to do my part. I think a great way to do that is to dedicate ourselves to Reagan's legacy. I even am going to get a nice little bowl to put on my coffee table to fill with jellybeans so I'll have a daily reminder of the bigger things in life (and yummy candy).
So, what to do? I already had some ideas for rules and a banner. Then someone mentioned kanji, which is cool, so here is ronin in kanji:
Former Hostage has already made some new banners based on that:
We may want to add an element for Reagan, though. So what would be some good kanji to represent him? You could just spell out his name phonetically, but I'm thinking that instead we should find some words that best describe Reagan and use the kanji for that as his symbol. I'd like to hear suggestions.
More importantly than a banner or symbol is what shall we ronin do to fight against terrorism? Our enemy are those who want to weaken the American resolve and the resolve of the world, so how do we fight back?
Well, things to think about for the weekend.
Rest in peace, Ronald Reagan, we'll handle things here now.
The New War
It's Reagan's funeral, I have the day off and nothing particular to do, and thus, of course, I get to thinking: How does our current conflict compare with those in the past?
Back during the Cold War, we had an enemy intent on our destruction and with the means to do it. Still, America wasn't untied in taking down this enemy. I guess, unless you see Rover from next door flying past your window as the whole neighborhood about you explodes, some people just don't get it. You can't kill an enemy by talking endlessly about peace, and, if you could, I assume it would be a very excruciating death outlawed by the Geneva convention. If it weren't for people like Reagan to smack the pinheads around, who knows how long the Soviets would have lasted.
So here we are in the 21st century facing our new enemy: terrorist retards. They also want us all dead. Once again, all of America is not united against them. It seems in some ways like the Cold War, but there are a number of key differences. The neighborhood had exploded, but Rover flying by the window still wasn't enough to give some people a reality check. It is not a "cold" war; just ask our troops in Afghanistan and the Sunni Triangle. Our people (and I mean Americans and allies in that phrase) are still dying in this fight. Also, unlike with the Soviets, there is no conceivable way in this universe or any other allowed by classical or quantum physics that the terrorists can actually defeat us, but they can kill a good number of us in their deluded pursuits. Finally, we don't have Ronnie anymore. It's just me, Dubya, angry man Rumsfeld, and you guys to smack around the pinheads and get things done.
Now, let's get things straight: the terrorists are going to get what's coming to them... eventually. It doesn't matter if we have a Democrat controlled White House and Congress; if a big enough bomb goes off, things will get taken care of. The point is, we need to make sure things happen before more people die. We had more then enough provocation, and it shouldn't take more death and more families weeping before we get the resolve to see thing through to the end, to take care of the terrorist threat once and for all.
I guess my point is - and I'm nearly sure I have one this time - is that the front on the war on terrorists is here at home. We aren't dodging bullets or having to check every vehicle headed our way for a bomb, but it's whether we are resolved or not that makes sure our troops can get their job done, to show the Islamo-fascists that we, the American people, are bonified badasses who are never to be f**ked with. They will not get another big attack against us because they will be too busy being hunted down like dogs.
To win this and win it quickly, we have to protect our resolve. That means we need to fight the media that chips away at it daily. We have to fight the naysayers out there who want to paint us as the bad guys while our troops are dying the freedom of others. And, we have to make sure Kerry doesn't get elected president because... well... he's a goober - even if, he, by the way, served in Vietnam.
So what to do? I guess blogging helps because we put to light what's really important. Still, though we have some push, blogs are still pretty small compared to the media as a whole. So what else to do? I'm not really sure.
Me, for what it's worth, I wrote this.
Sorry for not being funny today, but I guess you get more serious when you turn twenty-five. Plus, it's a solemn day. We lay to rest someone who had the courage when it was needed most. Now it's up to us to continue his legacy.
June 10, 2004
Our Military XVIII
Here are more military stories. I'd like to keep this going as long as I can, so, if you'd like to give your own explanation of why you joined the military or have a military story, please e-mail me with the subject "Military". Thanks.
* * * *
LCpl Zachary, USMC, writes:
I joined the Marines a little over a year ago. I joined the reserves because I go to college and am also going for OCS. I can’t say this was anywhere near the path I thought I would be going. I went through my freshman year of college becoming anxious of the future and feeling I had no idea what I wanted to do or how I wanted to get here. I also felt I had been going to school for so damn long that I needed something different, a new type of challenge. So I go by the local recruiting stations and figured I’d check out the Marines first because I had a few friends in the Corps but I can’t say I knew what I was getting myself into. All I knew was that they were the best and if I was gonna join I’d join the best. Needless to say I did my time at PI and came out a new man, with goals I want to accomplish and know how to accomplish them. It was truly a growing up experience. I still love that I made this decision and will never regret it. I plan on going into JAG the hard way now, the Marine Corps officer program instead of going halfway and going through the Air Force or Navy. Wish me luck at OCS July 11 I ship out once again to face the wraith of the Drill Instructors. I cant wait.
As I head off to Baghdad for the final weeks of my stay in Iraq, I wanted to say thanks to all of you who did not believe the media. They have done a very poor job of covering everything that has happened. I am sorry that I have not been able to visit all of you during my two week leave back home.
My funniest military story happened before I went into the service, during ROTC Summer camp, at Fort Belvoir in 1959. We were doing Interior Guard at night, "guarding" the streets in the barracks area. A cadet in my platoon reported the following incident:
Staring Down the Barrel of a .45
Reagan once used a .45 to stop a lady from being mugged (and there is a funny end to the story). The article says it was a .45 revolver, so did Reagan carry a cowboy style peacemaker?
All ronin should read this story and reflect on its wisdom.
The Charge of the Ronin
A ronin is a samurai who's master was slain. In the old times, a samurai would commit seppuku if his master died, but that was outlawed centuries ago in feudal Japan. Thus, all those mourning Master Reagan, you are not to disembowel yourselves. It is our duty to live on with honor, fight for our nation, and seek vengeance against the enemy in his memory. Those who swore allegiance to Master Reagan are now ronin, and we must ensure our blades are sharpened and ready, for our duties still are many.
DUTIES OF THE FORMER RETAINERS OF MASTER REAGAN:
* We fight all enemies of America and American principles, even if the enemy is quite large and speaks a strange, angry sounding language.
* We never surrender our principles, even if offered money or yummy candy.
* In all areas of life we conduct ourselves with honor, and we sever the necks of those who show dishonor.
* If we see stupid hippy, we explain to hippy that he is stupid and a hippy.
* We then beat hippy.
* We then explain to hippy that he was beaten.
* When the Democrats show dishonor in fighting terrorism, they are to be shunned. Their symbol, the donkey, is to be cut down on sight.
* A bowl of jelly beans should rest upon one's table in remembrance of Master Reagan.
* Those in the military are to fight with honor abroad. Those who are civilians are to fight with honor at home in defense of those risking their lives on the front.
* The French are to be threatened with harm whenever they speak. Their white flag of surrender are to be spat upon.
* The media is to be distrusted; we, who no longer serve a master, must get the truth out by reading and writing in our blogs.
* Always stand up for the principles of America when challenged; if a rogue will not relent in his slander of liberty, then the matter should be settled by clash of swords.
* If the slanderous rogue does not have a sword, cold cock him and run away.
* Any remaining Communists are to be slain on sight with no honor given to him. They are less than peasants.
* If apple pie is ever threatened, you are to stand firm in its defense.
* The way of the samurai is serenity; if a rogue tries to break a samurai's peace by shrill lies, the rogue is to be ignored if he cannot be smitten quickly. Breaking our serenity is all the rogue wishes to achieve.
* He also might be trying to boost book sales by getting attention. Just ignore the idiots.
* You must vow that your sword shall seek the blood tyrants throughout the globe.
* A samurai is always fearless and prepared for battle; his actions each day should be to fight for the founding principles of America. He is never to relent.
These are the duties of the ronin who wish to honor Master Reagan as I have now written them. They may be added to or changed as needed, but the principles of the samurai are always the same: he is foremost a warrior who will fight with honor for the principles of his master. If you are ready to take on these duties - and this is not a decision to take lightly - then you may use this banner to link to the principles of the ronin:
Master Reagan defeated many enemies in his day, but there is still much battle to do to preserve America and the world. Thus we must fight on to honor Reagan-san.
You know where I stand.
June 09, 2004
A Reagan for Your Thoughts
There is talk about putting Reagan on the dime, the ten dollar bill, the twenty dollar bill, or the fifty cent piece. That would be hilarious, because then you could watch liberals whine each time they get change (or handouts).
First of all, let's forget the fifty cent piece; when the hell was the last time you saw one of those?
As for the ten dollar bill, that's like the nickel of the paper money world; of all the common currency, it's the one you get the least of. Still, Hamilton could be arguably replaced since he wasn't even a president; all he did was get shot by a vice-president. Even I could do that! Still, it would be nicer to have Reagan on the twenty; I'd love to go to an ATM and take out five Reagan's.
But the dime seems like an best one because, if they just make it half of dimes, then it doesn't have to go through Congress. Plus, then liberals will be less whiny because they still get there favorite president of the 20th century (well, some freaks consider that Clinton) while we get ours. And, the next time some liberal goes whining to you about how mean we're being to terrorists, flick a Reagan dime in his eye. Now that would be cool!
Good Work, Ronin!
The Pan threat dwindles. Perhaps in two generations, the enemy will be completely gone and the possibility of a planet of the apes made much less likely.
BTW, what does chimpanzee taste like and how is the meat usually prepared? And does one imbue one’s self with chimp evil by eating one, or does he protect himself from the evil wiles of the pan troglodytes?
(Thanks to the traitorous Willow for pointing me to this)
We Honor IMAO's Advertiser's with Our Presence
There is a new advertiser to IMAO, the blog Sworn Enemy, which says it is dedicated to the destruction of the enemies of freedom. Go check it out, as it is the duty of every ronin to check out all IMAO advertisers.
In other news, I'd just like to point out this great opening to Jonah Goldberg's latest column about Ronald Reagan:
To summarize why I admired the Gipper: He was put on earth to do two things: kick butt and chew gum, and he ran out of gum around 1962.
All ronin bow in tribute to the mighty Reagan-san.
In My World: A Better Tomorrow
"Mr. President, you have the first opening statement."
"The future for America is bright. If we stay the course, we will become an economic and military superpower of unimaginable size. The path to that future will be paved with crushed Commie skulls.
"Well, to put thing simplest, the economy is growing, the Soviets are scared of us, and you'd have to be a retard to elect the goofball standing next to me."
"Mr. Mondale," the moderator prompted.
"I plan to make hard choices for America if needed. I won't be afraid of raising taxes if needed..."
"That's it; I'm just going to sleep through this one," Reagan exclaimed.
"Mr. President, you're not allowed to interrupt during the opening statements," the moderator said. "Mr. President? Hmm... apparently the President is asleep."
* * * *
"Polls show you won that debate," Vice-President Bush said while holding up a newspaper, "Even thought you slept through it."
"Next time I'm bringing a pillow," Reagan remarked as he sat in his chair in the Oval Office. "By the way, who is the grinning idiot behind you?"
"That's my son, George Jr.," Bush said, "We call him 'Dubya'."
"It sure is fancy in here!" Dubya exclaimed.
"He hopes to be either a politician or a gas station attendant one day," Bush said proudly.
"God help us all if he achieves either," Reagan remarked.
"Maybe you could give my son some advice," Bush suggested.
"If you want to be a good politician, son," Reagan told Dubya, "You need to stand by your principles no matter what. You can't let whiny liberals push you around and keep you from being focused on what's important. Also, if you ever see a Commie, you need to wallop him good."
"Thanks, President Reagan!" Dubya yelled and then left the office.
"Probably should have beat that kid more when he was younger," Reagan whispered to Bush, "So what's next?"
"Mikhail Gorbachev is here to see you," Bush stated.
"Send the Commie bastard in," Reagan ordered.
Bush left the room and then Gorbachev entered while clutching his eye. "Someone just punched me!"
"Quit your whining, Gorby!" Reagan commanded. "So is your evil dictatorship about to collapse or not?"
"You underestimate the power of the Soviet Union!" Gorbachev declared, "We will not bow to your commands! We will not..."
"It may be ‘Morning in America’," Reagan interrupted as he stood up and approached Gorbachev, but it's lights out for you!" He then grabbed Gorbachev and smashed his head through the wall.
"Not again!" Bush yelled as he ran into the room, "We're trying to keep the deficit down, and all this drywall repair isn't helping!"
"Defeating Communism is more important than deficits," Reagan said, "Now what?"
"That scary man - your Middle East Envoy - is here to see you," Bush answered.
Reagan sat back down at his desk. "I've been waiting for his report."
Donald Rumsfeld marched into the office and threw a folder down in front of Reagan. "Here are my conclusions on the Middle East."
Reagan opened the folder. "Well, just one page. Let's see what is says..." Reagan put on his reading glasses. "Kill them all." He looked to Rumsfeld and handed him the piece of paper. "Are you sure you don't want to add anything to this?"
Rumsfeld thought for a moment. He then pulled out a pen and wrote on the paper before handing it back.
Reagan looked it over. "Kill them all... now!" He turned back to Rumsfeld. "Thank you for your input, Mr. Rumsfeld."
"There's a Commie stuck in your wall, you know," Rumsfeld remarked.
"I was redecorating," Reagan answered.
"I don't like it."
"Neither do I. Could you toss it in the dumpster on your way out?"
"Sure," Rumsfeld answered. He then pulled Gorbachev out of the wall and dragged him from the office.
"That man just scares me," Bush remarked.
"That's because you're a wimp," Reagan answered.
"There's a lot to be worried about," Bush said, "It's going to be a battle for reelection and..."
"Have a little faith, George," Reagan interrupted, "No one is going to vote for that idiot from Minnesota and his lady friend. We'll then keep this economy growing, destroy communism, increase our defense, and make an America so strong that it can not be torn down again... even if some lecherous hillbilly somehow slithers is way into the office sometime in the future."
"Sounds good to me," Bush remarked, "and hopefully I can continue your legacy."
Reagan grunted. "Whatever. I'm going to get a T.V. tray and eat dinner while watching the Cosby Show. Yell for me if someone needs me to hit the button."
Thank you Mr. Reagan for all the opportunities I have today, and God bless.
June 08, 2004
I'm Exactly Like Reagan
Reagan liked the same gun I do:
Morris also tells the story of how Reagan bought a pistol in Iowa: He "did acquire a 1934 Walther PPK .380 pocket-sized police pistol early in his stay in Des Moines and kept it lovingly the rest of his life. He even toted it in his briefcase as president."
If .380 is good for Reagan, it's good enough for me. I got my PPK back from the gunsmith and will be heading to the range to try it out and fire my Kel-Tec .380 again. Expect a range report.
Well, He Didn't Like Them Either
Though Ronald Reagan is beloved by most Americans, liberals really really hated the guy. Why? Here are the best reasons I could figure out:
TOP TEN REASONS LIBERALS HATED RONALD REAGAN
10. When Reagan spoke, he really connected with the American public who tended to throw rocks when liberals spoke.
9. They were constantly embarrassed by how all the times he appeared on T.V. caused them to wet their pants.
8. Reagan's war on drugs caused hippies to get beat twice as much as usual.
7. They never made as much money as they wanted to make during the "decade of greed."
6. Reagan's looking at issues in black and whites made the liberal elites’ lengthy thesis on grays much less popular.
5. Numerous times Reagan invited liberal for policies discussions and then just trapped the liberals in his oval office while he beat them with a bat.
4. Reagan just never understood that, despite millions dead and oppressed, the Soviet Union had really good intentions.
3. During the economic boom of the eighties, the liberals had to constantly hold their hand over their ears and yell, "La! La! Not listening!" to keep from having their economic views objectively disproved.
2. There was some suspicion he dyed his hair.
And the number one reason liberals hated Ronald Reagan...
He was optimistic for the future of the United States of America, their least favorite nation.
Honoring the Gipper
Ronald Reagan kicked so much ass throughout the years that he deserves his memory to be honored. In the spirit of Reagan, our tributes to him should show optimism to the future or help continue the fight against tyrrany.
One idea I have is a Horrors of Communism Memorial. I've been to the Holocaust Memorial and it's quite a chilling thing. While the Holocaust Memorial is a solemn reminder of the depravity people are capable of, a Communism Memorial would not only feature the violence of the past but also the violence of today's Communist regimes. It would help remind people why the fight needs to continue today. I think Reagan would approve of that.
Other ideas to honor Reagan:
* Put Reagan on Mount Rushmore: He should go up there with the other greats. I'm not sure if there is room, though, so we may have to carve over one of those already up there. We can't touch Teddy or Lincoln since they're Republicans, so my vote goes for Thomas "let's solve problems with embargos" Jefferson.
* The Reagan Raygun: Since he was a big proponent of a missile shield, let's finally complete SDI and have a laser named after him that can shoot missiles out of the sky, shoot missile off of the ground, shoot the heads off of people, etc.
* A Giant Among Men: Reagan's legacy will never be forgotten if we make a fifty-story robot of him that has glowing red eyes and breathes fire. It can stomp through jungles and the primitives there will begin to worship Reagan as the god of death.
* This Bean is For You: How about special editon Jelly Belly jellybeans in honor of Ronald Reagan with special jelly bean names like Commie-killer cinnamon, Gernada Grape, and a mystery flavor called "I do not recall." And they can just have the good beans this time and none of those filler ones no one likes like coconut and toasted marshmellow (if you actually like those flavors, then get off my site!).
* The Way of the Ancients: Make his tomb a giant pyramid for all to see. Make sure it curses all liberals who enter it... or touch it... or look at it... or hear of it. Come to think of it, let's just curse all liberals in Reagan's memory.
* It's All in Good Fun: Make February 6th, Reagan's birthday, National Beat a Hippie for the Gipper Day. You can just see Reagan smiling down upon us as some freaky long hairs get their learning at the end of a fist.
* Mass Exodus: Reagan didn't like Democrats, so a great way to honor him would be to get them all out of elected office. This can be done either with the ballot box or pitch forks and torches.
* Fight the Good Fight: The best way to honor Reagan's memory would be to continue to fight for what's right in America and all other countries. In every action in every day, whether those actions be big or small, we should strive for a freer world, never forgetting the hardships of those who got us here or the hardships that will be needed to continue to perserve our way of life.
Okay, that last one was kind of sappy, but I miss Reagan and want to make sure his legacy continues.
If you have your own ideas for ways to honor Reagan's memory, whether serious or humorous, put them in the comments section.
June 07, 2004
Our Military XVII
Cpl. Joe foo' tells me that Ronald Reagan meant a lot to people in the military, as he always saluted. "One of the worst things than not saluting is not returning a salute."
In a way, I think our currently fighting is an extension of Reagan's optimism, that a brighter future is possible even a land that seems to have been war-torn forever.
Anyway, here are more explanations by readers of why they joined the military. I still have a lot of stories waiting to be posted, but, if you'd like to give your own explanation of why you joined the military or have a military story, please e-mail me with the subject "Military". Thanks.
* * * *
Jeff from Connecticut writes:
I joined the military in 1987. I don't come from a poor family. I was not unemployed when I went in. The military was not the only job I could get in those unfortunate economic times. I enlisted so I could get money for college.
I graduated from Christian Brothers High School in May of 1981. I was working at Victoria Station (not Secret - unfortunately) restaurant for the better part of the previous 2 years. I had done the 'American Dream' by starting off washing dishes, moving on to salad bars, bussing tables, bar back, prep chef and finally waiting tables.
El Jefe, who sent this to me some weeks ago, happened to end the e-mail with a Reagan quote. I know I've seen it everywhere, but it's worth repeating:
I hope that when you're my age you'll be able to say, as I have been able to say: we lived in freedom, we lived lives that were a statement, not an apology.
I joined the Navy for several reasons, first, just about every male relative I have on both my mother's and my father's side of the family was either a sailor or a marine, (although I heard rumors growing up that one or two black sheep joined the army) as far back as the American revolution; a fact that my grandmother was always proud to tell us. She was a member of the DAR. My great grandfather was in the "Great White Fleet" of Theodore Roosevelt. So I guess it was a tradition in the family. Anyway, I am a little older than most of the people who write you, (although not ancient by any means, I love this site and have a great appreciation of your humor and talent, can anyone say free "Nuke the Moon T-shirt?"). [Ed. Note: Not me]
Let it Be Forever Morning in America
For more memories of Ronald Reagan and his legacy, John Hawkins has dedicated his entire site to the former president with numerous posts and links. Make sure to check it out and remember the man we all owe a great deal to.
Know Thy Greats: Ronald Reagan
As anyone paying attention knows, I was born in 1979. Thus, my first memories of a president were of Ronald Reagan. I only had vague notions of the international conflict going on, but I was reassured by the strong leader we had in office. He was just a talking head on the T.V. speaking about things way beyond me, but I still remember the reverence of knowing that was our president. That was the leader of our country against the evil Soviets. I remember it was my older brother, Joe foo', who first explained Reagan to me as in first grade as they had their own mock election ballots and he was voting for Reagan. He even got in trouble once for exclaiming in class, "Mondale sucks!" I guess it was fitting he was the one who told me Reagan died, telling me over the phone as I hadn't been following the news over the weekend.
When Reagan announced in 1994 that he had Alzheimer's Disease, it was something known to me as my own grandfather was battling it at the time. Unfortunately, it's not a battle you can win. Slowly the mind goes until the person you know is longer there anymore. It is not an affliction you would wish on anyone. Reagan did the only thing he could do and wrote one last letter the America public before he retired to home to live the last years of life with as much dignity as possible.
Now that he has passed on, a great chapter in American history has been closed. I'm not much for mourning, though, so I sent out my crack research staff to find out as much as they can about Ronald Reagan so we can celebrate his life.
FUN FACTS ABOUT RONALD REAGAN
* Reagan was born in the year 1911, the same year my favorite gun was designed. What the hell was its name again?
* As a lifeguard in his youth, Reagan saved 77 lives while letting 12 Communists drown.
* Reagan eventually became an actor, first falling in with the left-wing Democrats. Eventually he tired of them, though, and strangled the whole lot of them.
* Reagan made one movie with a monkey which he considered the low-point of his life.
* He helped expose all the Communists in Hollywood so they could be tied to rocks and sunk to the bottom of the sea - as was the custom of the time. Only if someone would do that now.
* Reagan got to know America by wandering the country, stopping briefly in towns to right wrongs with his kung fu skills and give speeches for G.E.
* He eventually got into politics by running for governor of California. An actor as governor of California? That's crazy!
* Governor Reagan was so successful that it took until Gray Davis for Democrats to completely screw things up again.
* Reagan tried to run against Gerald Ford in 1976 for the Republican nomination for president, but in the end the Republicans thought Ford's bumblingness was the best anecdote to Carter's goofiness.
* Reagan got the Republican nomination to run against Carter in 1980 when Republicans became convinced that, if they didn't vote for him, they would hurt them.
* Most speculate the turning point in Reagan's campaign against Carter was the debate where he won the audience over with his charm by telling Carter, "There you go again," and then proceeded to beat Carter until he cried like a little girl.
* Right after Reagan became president, Iran released its hostages. Some think this may have been part of some secret deal, the deal being that, if Iran released the hostages, Reagan would not kill everyone involved in the most horrible way he could imagine.
* When Reagan was shot in 1981, it only made him angry, easily letting him put in his tax cuts through a quivering, Democrat controlled Congress.
* The weird mark on Gorbachev’s head was from the first time he met with Reagan and they battled with swords. Reagan decided to spare Gorbechav's life since he deemed him a useful fool to help him in destroying the Soviet Union.
* Reagan's nemesis in Congress was Democrat Speaker of the House Tip O'Neil. Occasionally, Reagan would wait in hiding behind a bush and tackle O'Neil just to keep the bastard in line.
* Reagan's aides told Reagan not to call the Soviet Union an "Evil Empire", but Reagan couldn't help it. They were just that damn evil!
* Reagan was known for keeping jellybeans at the table during cabinet meetings. When he didn't like someone, he'd give him a special jar of jellybeans, where, with each handful of jellybeans, the victims would be getting closer and closer to the poison jellybean!
* The public was really moved by Ronald Reagan - not by him making them fear the Soviet Union but by giving the optimistic vision of what the world could be. The brilliance of the glory of this future America was so great that it caused liberals to shriek and hide in their dank caves.
* When the air traffic controllers went on strike, Reagan showed his firm resolve by trapping them in a quarry and releasing grizzly bears on them.
* When Grenada underwent a Communist coup and took American students hostage, Reagan quickly grabbed a .45, paddled a boat to Grenada, and shot all the Communists himself.
* Ronald Reagan once joked that he outlawed the Soviet Union and that "the bombing would start in five minutes." In reality, it took a half an hour to start the bombing.
* When Mondale challenged Reagan for the presidency in 1984, there were plans to make Reagan's age an issue. Reagan easily defeated that plot by saying in a debate, "I will not make age an issue in this campaign. I'm not going to exploit for political purposes my opponents youth and inexperience," and then proceeding to beat Mondale until he cried like a little girl.
* Speaking of girls, the Mondale candidacy was notable for being the first with a female on the ticket. It was also notable for being the losingest campaign electoral wise by a major party, getting only 13 electoral votes with 525 for Reagan. Most news stations didn't even bothering coming up with a color to show which states Mondale won.
* The only state Mondale did win, Minnesota, eventually rejected him in a Senate bid making him the only major candidate to lose in all fifty states. Not so great a record, but what have you done of note?
* Reagan's uber-landslide victory was attributed to what were then known as "Reagan Democrats" and today are simply known as "Republicans".
* Reagan was stereotyped as being senile and falling asleep all the time, but, hey, destroying Communism is hard work.
* Reagan's tax cuts caused such an economic boom during the eighties that I got one of those Nintendo sets with the robot for Christmas.
* Reagan famously told Gorbachev to “tear down that wall” and then followed through by holding a gun to Gorbachev’s head until he chiseled down the entire Berlin Wall with an ice pick.
* There were also lots of synthesizers in music during the eighties, though Reagan's involvement with that is sketchy.
* The Soviet Union bankrupted itself trying to compete against the American's SDI, something Reagan only imagined after having some bad jellybeans.
* When it got out that Nancy Reagan consulted an astrologer, it caused great embarrassment for the White House... just as the astrologer predicted!
* During Reagan's final years, there was a scandal about arms being traded for hostages. I'm sure if the people who got the arms weren't particularly nice, though, Reagan made sure they were killed with other arms.
* Now that Reagan is in Heaven, we can be assured that, once we get there, it will be free of Commies and hippies.
Rest in peace, Ronald Reagan. This country and the world is a better place for having known you.
June 04, 2004
Help Me Make the Next T-Shirt
I'm having so little time to get things done lately, but one thing I want to get moving on is the next t-shirt design. I'm planning to sketch what I want and then send that to some artists to get a better rendition. You can all help me by pointing me to some pictures of rottweilers and angry, growling dogs (I want growl over barking). Best would be a growling rottweiler. Help on this could also be considered a B-Day present.
Only you can make the Chomps t-shirt kick ass cool.
A Quarter Century and Counting
Today marks twenty-five years since I triumphantly emerged from the womb, and, unfortunately, it's been a real bad morning. I feel like I need a gallon of coffee to get my head straight. I don't have any good political humor post for today and won't have time to post anything at lunch, so, as your present to me, you can be forgiving.
I did finally get the Peace Gallery photos from my lazy brother Joe foo' the Marine which he took about a year ago, so I'll have those up later. Everyone else the with a NTM t-shirt get working on your photos to show your support for peace.
Also, as Harvey reminded me, I declared last June 4th to be National Gun Safety Day, so don't shoot yourself.
Do As the Pretty Girl Beckons and Buy My T-Shirts
The modeling photos are finally in. I chose my favorite and have them randomly rotating on the sidebar. Here are all SarahK sent me, though.
I am Frank J., king of t-shirts and babes!
June 03, 2004
Help Frank Buy a New Car*...
...support his sponsors.
We have a return advertiser selling a deck of cards giving 52 reasons to re-elect George W. Bush.
Here's one reason: I told you to! ::shakes fist::
Make sure to check out all my advertisers to thank them for advertising on IMAO. Also, when buying from Amazon, click through my link so I get a cut. Also, join Netflix like me instead of renting from BlockBuster like some caveman.
I'd say to buy my t-shirts, but that's for SarahK to do tomorrow...
* Money may be spent on a new gun instead.
Frank Needs Wheels
As I mentioned previously, I have a Hyundai Accent I bought new when I was interning during college. I'm soon going to be thinking about getting a new vehicle, and I was wondering what suggestions people might have as I'm not much of a car person. What I need is something that fits my prestigious stature, won't break the bank, and isn't driven by every other person on the road. So what should a hip, young adult like me be driving?
You Toucha Our Allies, We Puncha Your Face
So the terrorist have put out a video showing the Italians they still have hostage. Why hadn't we heard anything about this until now? Since they murdered one hostage, I haven't heard a word about these people or the search to find them. What is it? Do they have to be naked with women's underwear on their heads to get any coverage these days?
What we need to do is get some of these terrorists and then not let a word out what happened to them. Then, one day Al-Jazeera will get a video on it with one of the theorists reading a written a statement saying, "The American have treated me well until now, when they are blowing me up." Then he'll be like, "Wait a sec! Is this ri..."
Then pigs run on screen and eat the remains.
Now, some people may say this is cruel and unusual punishment, but that's just silly. These terrorist blow themselves up all the time, so this punishment would be right in line with their beliefs. As for the pigs... well... it's not like you can expect the American government to keep track of where pigs are and are not wandering around looking for eats.
Sounds like a good deterrent to me, but we still need to get these terrorists in the first place. They say they are sending a message to the pope, so let's send the pope to negotiate. He'll greet them cordially, take off his pope hat... but it's not the pope! It's me! And there's a shotgun hidden in the pope hat.
"Consider that an excommunication."
Now, that might be a little sacrilegious to imitate the pope, but luckily Jesus is a forgiving guy... especially if you have good intentions such as splattering terrorists.
Even if they don't use my suggestions, someone needs to do something. And keep me updated in the news, g'dammit.
June 02, 2004
I Had to Work Late and I Want to Get Home!
I recently wrote about overly-aggressive and reckless drivers. Some people may have interpreted that as meaning I'm against speeding, but that's far from the truth. While you'll rarely find me going twenty over, I'll do my best to move and accommodate those who want to play that game. Hey, it lets me drive faster with less worry. When there is a red Corvette going ninety, why would any traffic cop pay attention to a silver Hyundai going eighty-five? Seeing I drive an Accent, he'd probably just write it off as a radar error.
At the same time, while slow and steady may win the race, it should stay the hell out of the left lane. I don't like passing people on the right, but I do leave that in my arsenal. See that number on the white sign on the side of the road with the big number on it? Add ten to that. If that number sounds scary to you, then please make your stay in the left lane short. Go ahead and pass the guy going sixty in the right lane, but then return to your proper place as soon as convenient.
Frank Music Reviews: Crash of 47, Nevermind, Satellite, Leave a Whisper, and the Matrix Reloaded Soundtrack
For the longest time, I just listened to whatever was on the radio and never gave it too much attention. Now, I've decided to start buying CD's and really start appreciating music. I guess part of the inspiration was the movie School of Rock (a great, great family film) which interested me in taking a closer look into music.
Anyhoo, I've listened to a number of CD's at work for a week or so now, so I'll give my impressions, and maybe you can give me some more suggestions based on them.
You probably know this group for being one of my advertisers for a while. They definitely have a unique sound, but a lot of the songs are a bit repetitive. Still, I like the album for the most part, and my favorite songs are "Pencil Fight" and "Withered".
Simply a classic. None of the songs seem like filler, and I enjoy every one. I'd be hard pressed to pick favorites, but I particular love the start of "Breed". It's awesome!
Really, people, if you are a rich, top selling music artist - and we've all been there - don't commit suicide. Stick it out... even if you're married to Courtney Love.
I like P.O.D. They’re this play it loud heavy metal group, but, if you listen carefully to the lyrics, you'll be like, "Hey! They're talking about Jesus!"
Anyway, this is another great album where I enjoyed most of the songs on it. My favorite, interestingly enough, is "Boom", which I've yet to find any religious connotations in.
It's 'ight. To be honest, I listened to it a number of times through but can't recall any tracks other than the first ("Fly From the Inside") and the last ("45") which I know from the radio. Maybe it will grow on me, but, so far, it hasn't left much of an impression.
Instead of selling the soundtrack and the musical score (are those the correct words to differentiate the two?) separately as with the first Matrix movie, you get both in one 2 CD set for Reloaded.
As for the soundtrack, it’s pretty good, but not as good as the first one (which I still need to get). I probably like the P.O.D. song "Sleeping Awake" best, though the Marilyn Mason and Rob Zombie songs are good too. I also really like the name of the Rage Against the Machine song "Calm Like a Bomb". Next time someone ask me how I am, I'm going to answer with that.
In the end, I like the musical score better than the soundtrack, especially like the ten minute "Mona Lisa Overdrive" which is the score from the highway chase scene in the movie. It's got a techno beat mixed in with the regular music score and is great to work to.
In My World: What They Need is Campaign IED Reform
"Okay, little children," John Kerry said, "It's time and to bask and admire who will be your new president. By the way, I served in Vietnam."
"You're a mean scary man!" said one of the kindergarteners.
"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" Kerry screamed. He then turned to his butler. "Jeeves, flip these children off."
"Certainly, sir." The butler rose his middle finger at the children who then began crying.
"Bwa ha ha ha!"
* * * *
"Kerry went berserk at a school event, and the media is barely covering it," Bush fumed, "It's time for some serious campaigning. Kerry is a haughty, French-looking liberal, and a total political opportunist whose soul is for sale in exchange for high office. Also, he's gone insane from Botox injections directly into his brain. Those are the facts about John Kerry; now we have to figure out how to distort them to make him look bad."
"You're an idiot," Condi remarked, "Anyway, I want you to meet who is going to be the new Iraqi president."
"Hey, Mr. Iraqi," Bush said as he shook the Iraqi's hand.
"Hi, President Bush," the Iraqi answered in a high-pitch voice, "I think we should have a lot of oil contracts for Halliburton."
"If you think that's best," Bush stated, "I hope we can work together."
"Watch me dance!" the Iraqi exclaimed and started dancing.
"Hee hee!" Bush laughed, "He is dancing!" He then became suspicious. "Wait a second... he's a puppet!" Bush turned to Condi. "I told you no puppets for governing Iraq!"
"But you said you like puppets," Condi answered innocently.
"Only to liven up boring cabinet meetings," Bush declared, "I want to set up the Iraqi government right."
"But having a puppet run Iraq will help us strategically," Condi told him.
"And Halliburton demands it," said Cheney who was up in the rafters working the marionette strings.
"No puppets!" Bush declared, "We have to do things right if we want to take down the terrorists who plot against us as we speak." Bush then looked up to Cheney. "I didn't say to stop making him dance."
* * * *
"We must kill more people!" Osama bin Laden's subordinate shouted.
"I want to, but that American president is too smart for us," Osama answered, "He will always outwit us. We need to influence the election to get him out and that Frenchman in."
"But how will we do that."
Osama grinned evilly. "I'll use my vast sums of terrorist money to run ads just before the election trashing Bush and praising Kerry. Muh ha ha ha!"
"Actually, under campaign finance reform," the subordinate said, "that's now illegal."
Osama was silent for a moment. "Then we have no choice but to BLOW PEOPLE UP!"
* * * *
Clancy, Bush intelligence guy, ran into the room. "There is terrorist chatter on the wires." He then opened the fridge and took out a soda.
"You’re supposed to put a quarter in the jar for each on of those you take," Bush told him.
"That would leave evidence I was here." Clancy took a drink of his Mr. Pibb.
"So what's the chatter say?"
"I don't know; it's in some weird language... maybe Arabic."
"Don't you have anyone to translate that?" Bush asked in frustration.
"If I did, the translation would be highly classified." He took another drink of his soda.
Bush took out his wallet and handed Clancy a twenty.
"They’re plotting to bomb the Capitol building," Clancy said and then left.
"To the Capitol!" Bush announced.
"Isn't this something for the police and bomb squad?" Condi commented.
"Come on; like you have anything better to do this afternoon."
* * * *
Bush and Condi ran through the Capitol building until they saw someone familiar. "What are you doing here, Rummy?" Bush asked.
"I came here to strangle Ted Kennedy," he said, "but I couldn't find his neck. I saw a weird looking guy walking around, though, so I strangled him." Rumsfeld pointed to a dead terrorist. "I also found this."
"It's a bomb!" Bush exclaimed, taking the device from Rumsfeld and carefully setting it on the ground. "Hey, there's a monkey inside!"
"It must be a delayed monkey-fuse bomb," Condi stated. "If you shake it too much, the monkey will get aggravated and set the bomb off prematurely. After a while, though, he'll just get bored and set it off anyway. Thus, we're working against a time limit."
"This is stupid," Rumsfeld remarked, "I'll see you guys later at the bar."
"Rumsfeld is right," Condi said, "We need to get out here!"
"If we do that, lots of innocent people will die!" Bush answered, "I will stay here and do whatever I can to make sure that doesn't happen."
"You'll have to defuse the bomb then," Condi told him, "That's done by disconnecting the monkey's trigger. First, we'll need a banana to distract the monkey. Then you need to carefully take off the casing whil watching for any failsafes. If there are wires connected to the screws, then you'll..."
"On second thought," Bush said, "this sounds too hard. Let's just chuck it somewhere it will hurt no one we know or care about."
* * * *
"Senator Tom Daschle was attacked by a suicide monkey bomber in his office today," the anchorwoman announced, "Though badly burned, he was heard to utter, 'I'll get Bush... and his little dog too!'"
"Not Barney!" Bush exclaimed.
"Why a monkey would bomb Senator Daschle is unknown," the anchorwoman continued, "but a leading zoologist suggested that monkeys have just as much ability as people to tell who are slimy weasels. In reaction to the attack, presidential hopeful John Kerry said, 'It is a horrible tragedy and I served in Vietnam.' The President has yet to respond."
The phone rang. "Hello," Bush answered.
"What do you think of the terrorist attack on Daschle?"
"I think it's funny when Daschle gets hurt."
"This just in," the anchorwoman said, "The President has now responded to the attack saying that he think it's funny when people get hurt."
"You misquoted me!" Bush shouted at the screen.
"Now back to part sixty-three of our indefinite numbered series on why Abu Grahib invalidates the entire war..."
June 01, 2004
I forgot to mention that there are now three more additions to the Peace Gallery: Stephen Swanson, Megan, and Tom Bux.
From the amount of t-shirts that went out, I expected more peace photos by now. Get to it, people!
BTW, SarahK's photos should be coming soon.
Our Military XVI
Sorry to have not done this feature in a while, but here are some explanations readers gave of why they joined the military. I plan to alternate between these and other stories in the future. I now have a lot of stories waiting to be posted, but, if you'd like to give your own explanation of why you joined the military or have a military story, please e-mail me with the subject "Military". Thanks.
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Alan Anderson writes:
Why I went in the Marines...by me
UPDATE: Alan wants to add that his eighteen year old neice reports to Marine Corps, Parris Island, in October, so let's wish her luck and God's protection.
The draft should be a no-go. I would not want to be fighting along side of some one who does not want to be there. as far as the comment about only poor people joining up the military, I am gonna have to disagree, just about all of my buddies come from regular middle class, there are even a few rich ones here and there. I definitely did not come from a poor family and had plenty of options. I joined because I wanted to serve my country and kill people who don’t like it. And I went with the Marines, because if you are going into the service, then why not be the best. Just thought i would share that. Semper Fi
I joined the Army because it was a little more profitable than the cult I had been running. No, I'm serious. My late teens were a bit on the, uh, abnormal side. If I hadn't had this damned virus in my heart I'd be retiring as an officer in intelligence here in a few years. Based on this I must say viruses suck. I had my dreams of earning respect the easy way and having all the uniform groupies chase after me. Instead, I got to be a loser who got kicked out for what was, at the time, an unidentified illness. (The technology to diagnose the problem didn't become available till later, or most doctors are morons.) I always recommend military service. Sure, it's a good way for the poor to better their lot in life, but it's also a good way for those who have money to become respectable.
It's only until the end of this month until the government in Iraq will be handed over to the Iraqis. Since there is no June 31st, it's impossible to delay it another day. So, to help make sure things work out, I've decided to give my unsolicited advice on the topic.
FRANK TIPS TO A SMOOTH TRANSITION ON JUNE 30TH
* Terrorists could sure ruin a transition, so, just before June 30th, go on a huge terrorist killing spree. Then put their heads on pikes outside the transition ceremony. Then, any terrorists left will see that and be scared, because people don't like their heads on pikes.
* Chase the monkeys out of the capitol building. I know from experience that it's hard to make budget decisions while being bitten by monkeys.
* Make sure to vacuum up all the Cheetos in the offices.
* The strings on any puppets you put as head of government should be as invisible as possible.
* Actually, instead of a puppet government, consider a muppet government.
* Hand over security to Iraqis with well wishes, not a sarcastically stated, "Good luck, suckers!"
* Make sure not to leave any naked prisoner pyramids lying around.
* It's not enough that you've changed the Saddam rape rooms to beer storage; also re-label the door.
* Keep one palace as the American embassy. Come on; we deserve it.
* It usual for any occupying force to use the government building for amateur porn; just make sure to take all equipment with you when you leave... unless the Iraqis request it.
* Make sure who you hand the keys over to are the real new Iraq governing council and not terrorists in disguise. This can be found out by casually asking them, "So, after this ceremony is over, to do you want to blow up innocent men, women, and children?"
* If you find anymore WMD's, hand 'em over; it's theirs now.
* It's time to challenge the ninjas who have been threatening you to one final kung fu battle on the 29th to get that out of the way.
* It doesn't matter how a family of alligators took up residence in the cafeteria; just get rid of them because the Iraqis are going to notice.
* I don't care what your friend Doug says; serving pork chops at the transition ceremony is not funny, dude.
* When helping the Iraqis with elections, make sure the ballots are clear so they don’t come under rule of Pat Buchanan.
* Remember to take your car keys off the key ring before handing the keys to government buildings over.
* Though security should mainly be handled by the Iraqis now, do leave a few Marines to help out... and maybe Aquaman.
* Try to leave things in the best condition as you can for when the Iraqis take over so it's a smooth and peaceful transition, but, just in case, as soon as the transition ceremony is over, get the hell out of there as quick as you can.
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By MonthDecember 2008