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July 31, 2004
This is Turning into a Frick'n Web Diary
Sorry to not have political humor; I have something in draft form, but I haven't had time to finish it. I will soon. In the future, I'll try to have guest bloggers during times like this. Also, I will be posting this weekend since they're just more work days for me. BTW, I forgot to mention that In-N-Out Burger was excellent; thanks for pointing out that they're nearby.
Anyhoo, today, it was get up and go to the conference, and, by the time I got back, it's so late that there's no time left except for drinking and gambling.
Well, not quite, actually. When I get back to my hotel, the power is out. For our little impromptu meeting, I needed my laptop, so I headed to my floor and had to find my room in pitch black, which meant letting my hand feel the walls as I walked until I reached a room number which I then had to read by touch.
When I got back to the lobby, no drinking and smoking for our meeting because they decided to stop serving drinks until the power was back (don't want drunks stumbling around in the dark) and I forgot to bring cigars.
Luckily, power comes on half-way through our meeting. Then I decided to play more of that Monopoly game. After I was up $43.85, I got tired of it; the damn thing just keeps spitting money at me. Time to play some blackjack like a big boy.
Put eighty bucks on the table (got carded), bet the minimum of five, and got two black jacks in a row. I my total jumped up and down a lot during the night (though never far below what I started with), and they kept serving me drinks until I couldn't do simple addition.
Luckily, the dealer was really nice and told me what to do... especially with the dreaded 16. She told me you either hit on a sixteen everytime or you stay everytime. I decided I'm the guy who hits everytime. I also happened to lose everytime I had a sixteen. Well, that's statistics.
I got a ton of blackjacks, and I seemed to get them everytime I got frustrated and bet more than usual. When I finished what I decided to be my last beer, it was time to end the night. So I put on the table all I was up plus forty bucks... my logic being that, even if I lost I, would still be up a couple bucks for the night from the Monopoly game. I don't know how many chips were risked, but it was a large stack.
And I got a sixteen.
Dammit. Well... I always hit on sixteen. That's what I decided earlier on, so that what I did.
And I got a four.
Yeah, baby! Doubled that stack, tipped the dealer a $25 chip, and cashed out. $165 dollars (up another $85).
Gambling results so far: Up $190.35
Since I started out only risking ten bucks of my own money (I simply didn't have it in the budget to risk more than a couple bucks gambling), I think that's pretty good.
Also, I would like to defend my frick'n retard coworkers. The Ford F150 has an exteneded bed and is longer than your average bus. And, while Dr. J has hit a curb on pretty much every turn, he has never actually hit another car or person (though he came within milimeters of a baby carriage). My other coworker, the Greek, at least bought me a shot of whiskey yesterday after the combination of his navigation and Dr. J's driving almost got me killed.
I'll close the comments to the caption contest and pick a winner when I'm less tipsy. Until later, be honorable, ronin.
July 30, 2004
Just let if be known that the two coworkers who came with me to Vegas are frick'n retards. One seems determined to hit every curb in Vegas with the rented F150 and the other couldn't navigate his way out of his own hotel room.
That is all.
UPDATE: Now that I've had a night's rest, I want to clear things up. My coworkers are all right guys... just frick'n retards.
July 29, 2004
I Haven't Seen This Much Crap on T.V. Since that Discovery Channel Special on Dung Beetles
Man, these Democrats won't shut up. Is anyone buying this? I think I'll need to do a write up on Democrats so everyone irrationally hates them as much as me.
Sorry I have't had time for proper posts, but I've been quite busy. One conference just ended, and maybe I'll have more time during this next one. Then there is another one still (you'll have to keep tuning into IMAO to see where Frank J. pops up next!). I have something brewing in my head, but need to type it out.
BTW, I never did plug the Casual Conservative; make sure to check them out through their blogad. Also, The Manchurian Candidate has paid for another week; I hear Denzel Washington himself said that the movie must be advertised on IMAO.
Off to In And Out Burger; one of my coworker is paying since he made $160 playing blackjack last night. Catch you foo's later.
One last thing: It's kinda interesting that the video biography for John Kerry that his daughters introduced barely mentioned anything about his nineteen years in the Senate. Seems to be his whole argument is: "I was in Vietnam and then married a rich woman. Elect me president."
I Also Like to Live Dangerously
I have no idea how those video slot machines work, but I put $5 in a penny one and cashed out with $10.40 and put $10 in a nickel one and cashed out with $26.90. Add that to the rest and...
Gambling results so far: Up $61.50
Maybe I'll be adventurous tomorrow night and put that all down on the blackjack table. One of these days I'll have to learn my lesson...
July 28, 2004
This Man Will Be Our Next President?
Is this the man you want to be your next president?
Do you want some Oompa Loompa making the decisions that affect your life?
This message was approved by President Bush... who is not a total dork.
Edwards is on T.V. right now talking about all these nice things he wants to do for people - do you think he'll get a 50% cut if he accomplishes them?
Anyway, first day of my conferences ended with gourmet food as far as the eye could see and an open bar. Holy. I need to do more business travel. Well, doubt I'll get that again over the next eight days.
Hey, Edwards just made some reference to Kerry serving in a war; which one was it?
Seriously, someone should keep a Kerry war reference count.
Well, I called another meeting over drinks and cigars which I need to head down for soon. Maybe I'll do some more gambling while I'm down there and tell you how I do. Hopefully, I'll have some time soon to do some real political blogging. 'till then, caption the picture above.
Oh, and by everyone's recommendation, I'm going to try the In-And-Out Burger tomorrow for dinner.
He just mentioned Kerry was in the military again. That's twice...
Just conducted a meeting with my coworkers over cigars and adult beverages - this is the way things should be done.
Anyway, I had gambled twice, putting a quarter in two machines, and was up $0.50 as previously reported. After the alcohol, I decided to try my luck again. Soon, five singles were squirrled away and I was down $4.50. Frustrated, I put a Lincoln into a nickel Monopoly game. I had no idea what meant what as the digital dials spinned, but I soon landed on free parking and got a ton of bonuses.
Gambling results so far: Up $39.25
In other words, I have not yet learned the evils of gambling.
Well, have to get up for at 8am breakfast tomorrow, which is like 11am since I'm still jet-lagged. Now I head to bed for more than eight hours sleep. See y'all later.
BTW, I was bad and didn't get my entry in on time, but here is Right Wing News's list of history's biggest impact players.
July 27, 2004
Live From Las Vegas... It's IMAO!
Hey everybody. Just resting up in my hotel room before some conference stuff starts. Damn am I tired, too. I got up at nearly 4am ET and now have a little get together at 6pm west coast time. Plus, I just did a bunch of walking around checking out the nearby casinos and ate at the priciest food court I have ever seen.
Gambling results so far: Up $0.50
I haven't seen the news today; did the Democrats say anything or did they wise up and stay quiet so we won't make fun of them?
Well, I'm going to take a nap and look into it later. Since I will have internet access from my hotel room, I'll try to do some updates each day. Got a few things brew'n in the noggin...
July 26, 2004
Announcements (Important - You Read)
The winning entry of the Sandy Burglar joke contest is
What's the big deal? Lots of guys wear briefs...
Submitted by No One of Consequence. He has earned the privilege of sending me questions for Frank Answers™.
If you want some more caption fun, Michelle Malkin has a caption contest (I already entered one).
Hopefully I can finally get the new About Me, FAQ, and a Reagan's Ronin page done if I have time.
In My World: Curious George Visits the Democratic National Convention
Above the Democratic National Convention floated the Halliburton Dirigible of Evil.
"Don't you think 'Zeppelin of Evil' would sound eviler?" Bush queried.
"I didn't name it," Cheney responded.
Rumsfeld glared down at Boston. "All our enemies in one place - seems like the time for a tactical strike to wipe them out once and for all!"
"No murder!" Bush said, "or Laura will make me sleep on the couch again."
Chomps jumped up to look out the window, and then wouldn't stop snarling and barking.
"We could infiltrate them," Condi said, "find out what they're up to."
"Can't we just watch one of the news stations for that?" Scott McClellan suggested.
"Someone hit Scott," Bush commanded.
Rumsfeld stared at Scott menacingly until Scott finally punched himself, knocking himself to the ground.
"We'll get in there and sow seeds of discontent," Bush chuckled, "or, at least, get some free snacks if they have any. Let's go."
* * * *
"Why does it have to be us two doing the infiltrating?" Scott asked Bush as he made sure his fake goatee was on right.
"Because everyone else has too much important stuff to do," Bush answered as he brushed his porn star mustache.
"I also have important things to do," Scott complained, "I do the press conferences!"
"I got you a good replacement."
* * * *
"What does Bush think of his Democrat challengers?"
"Awk! No comment!"
"How much longer are troops expected to be in Iraq?"
"Awk! No comment!"
"What's Bush's reaction to the 9/11 report?"
"Awk! Polly want a cracker!"
"Ha! Now we're getting somewhere!"
* * * *
"Bush is Hitler! How are you guys doing?" Bush said as he inserted himself amongst a group of Democrats.
"We're handing out fact sheets on Kerry and Edwards so people get to know them better," said one as he gave some pamphlets to Bush and Scott.
"Facts about John Kerry," Scott read aloud, "He served in Vietnam." Scott turned the pamphlet over, but couldn't find anymore text.
"Facts about John Edwards," Bush said, "He's purty looking. P.S. Bush is evil... Hey! No I'm not... I mean, right on!"
"So what's the plan?" Scott whispered to Bush.
"We'll get back stage and change the speaker prompts to embarrass the Democrats," Bush answered, "Follow me."
They snuck through the convention until they got to the backroom. "Now we just need to find where the prompt is programmed," Bush said, "Then we can..." Bush froze. "Don't look up, Scott."
Scott stopped moving too. "Why?" he whimpered.
"There are ninjas up in the rafters," Bush uttered, "I just knew the Democrats were conspiring with the evil ninja conglomerate!"
"So what do we do?!"
"We'll have to fight them to the death using items we can find in this room." Bush saw a mop and bucket nearby. "I'll use the mop as a bo, and you can use the bucket as a... well, just try not to die too quickly."
A throwing star then struck the wall near Bush's head. He shrieked and ran for the nearest exit. Catching his breath, he looked around to see he was on stage.
"It's the next speaker!" called out one of the crowd.
"Uh, hey everybody," Bush said as he walked to the microphone. He then uttered to himself, "Think like a Democrat. Think like a Democrat." Bush cleared his throat. "Who here hates Bush more than they love America?"
"Republicans are evil!" Bush continued, "They eat babies... who all should have been aborted!"
"Man, I'm on a roll," Bush said to himself while smiling. "Well, when we're in power, we'll change many things. We'll set taxes to make sure no one is ever rich again!"
The crowd erupted with more clapping and yelling.
"And we'll make sure poor kids stay in their poor schools where they belong! And all marriages will be gay marriages!"
The crowd was frenzied in cheering now.
"And we'll never exert force against our enemies again... and make the national language French!" Bush shouted, making his mustache fall off.
The cheering stopped.
"That's not a porn star! That's President George W. Bush!" one yelled.
"Let's kill him!"
Everyone started to climb on to the stage, but Scott then ran out. "Everyone, calm down! We can't let partisanship rot our minds! We all need to have some understanding and sanity!"
"That guy with the goatee is promoting understanding and sanity!" one of the crowd shouted, "Let's kill him too!"
As the crowd closed in on Bush and Scott, ninjas crept towards them from behind, ninja swords ready in hand. A new speaker then walked on stage, wearing a suit and glasses.
"Let's see what the real speaker has to say about this," one said, and the crowd stopped for a moment.
The speaker trotted to the podium, jumped up, and bit off the microphone. He then chewed it up and spat it out.
"Hey," one person said, "That speaker looks an angry rottweiler."
"Not just angry rottweiler," said one of the ninjas, his sword shaking in his hand, "Very angry rottweiler."
* * * *
Chomps made a hacking sound. Finally, he coughed up a Birkenstock.
"I told you not to murder Democrats!" Laura yelled at Bush.
"I didn't, honey!" Bush protested, "I just stood back and laughed as Chomps did."
Laura pointed to the couch which already had a pillow and blanket on it.
"But, honey, Lincoln haunts this room at night and he's mean!"
"That's between you and Lincoln," Laura said angrily and then marched up stairs.
"Aww," Bush groaned to himself as he sat on the couch.
"You're not going to get to sleep for four score and seven years!" a voice echoed throughout the room, "Muh ha ha ha!"
"Can't you go haunt a log cabin somewhere?"
A book flew through the air and hit Bush in the head.
"Ow!" Bush rubbed his head as he got under the blanket. "Stupid, rail-splitting poltergeist."
July 25, 2004
Ronin Thought of the Day
Today's wisdom is from samurai Shiba Yoshimasa:
Many men feel that they should act according to the time or the moment they are facing, and thus are in confusion when something goes beyond this and some difficulty arises.
Yes, touchy-feely crap can help you kill others.
July 24, 2004
July 23, 2004
Planet of the Apes at Hand?
Many of you have seen this story about a monkey walking exclusively on its hind legs. I just want to tell you not to panic. Yes, a mutant virus has caused a monkey to spontaneously evolve, but this doesn't mean they will all overthrow us yet ala Planet of the Apes. It's just one monkey so far - one monkey that must immediately be killed and have its body burned.
For the rest of us, just go under normal precautions, i.e., keep a shotgun handy and listen for monkey jabber.
That is all.
What Happened to Frank
Sorry not to post today (until now). I had the day off and was getting the A/C fixed on my car... but then I ended up buying a new car (a Sante Fe V6 - Hyundai has made a loyalist out of me). Then I had a doctor's appointment - 3 weeks to live.
Anyway, I owe all of you some Frank Answers™ and a winner for the Sandy Burglar joke, but that will have to wait.
Oh, and one more thing - SARAHK IS MINE! NONE SHALL CHALLENGE ME FOR HER!
July 22, 2004
Cruise'n For a Bruise'n
Someone has been harrassing Emperor Misha I and his family by phone, but Misha was able to track the bastard.
This is why I'm still a firm supporter of the age old concept of the posse.
UPDATE: Time is running out for the dirtbag.
Get the rope.
Linda Ronstadt Hates Michael Moore?
Linda Ronstadt, known by most for how she infamously supported the Plow King and slandered Mr. Plow, has allegedly been supporting Michael Moore by dedicating the song "Desperado" to him. I happen to have the Johnny Cash version of the song, though, and it doesn't sound too flattering. If you actually look at the lyrics, apparently Ronstadt thinks very little of Moore:
Desperado, why don't you come to your senses? (She already starts out saying Michael Moore is senseless)
Don't you draw the queen of diamonds boy (don't be so focused on money; the reference to a “queen” is probably implying that Moore is a homosexual)
Now it seems to me, some fine things (stacks of money for your movies and books)
Desperado, oh, you ain't gettin' no younger (or slimmer)
Don't your feet get cold in the winter time? (again, layer of blubber protects from this)
Desperado, why don't you come to your senses? (again, Michael Moore is senseless)
Apparently, Ronstadt thinks that Moore is a horrible, heartless, fat man and is using this song as a sort of intervention. Good for her.
Now apologize to Mr. Plow.
Ronin Thought of the Day
Heed these words from A Book of Five Rings (Go Rin No Sho) written by the great samurai warrior Miyamoto Musashi:
Stance in Strategy
The true warrior is prepared every moment for battle.
How Am I Doing?
I made changes to my blog templates over the weekend, and now I hear that some in Mozilla (didn't he fight Mothra?) can't see the right sidebar. I pretty much exclusively use IE even though I know better, so I'd like to hear if any of the other browsers are having problems displaying my webpage.
Know Thy Enemy: Black Holes
Stephen Hawking has revamped the theory of black holes, finally solving the paradox that black holes seemingly destroy information.
Now I can finally sleep nights again.
So what do you do if you happen to run into a black hole? Well, I sent out my crack research staff to find out as much as they can about black holes so you can be prepared.
FUN FACTS ABOUT BLACK HOLES
* A black hole is made by the combination of "black" and "hole."
* Gravity is also involved.
* The name "black hole" is somewhat of misnomer; they're more of a dark gray.
* They say that black holes are so dense that not even light can escape them - but that's just black hole propaganda to scare you.
* Hawking now says that, instead of destroying data, a black hole will eventually spit it out in a mangled form - much like shoving a classified document down your pants and then later pulling it out again.
* Many galaxies have a massive black hole at their center, so try to stay near the edges of the galaxy to be on the safe side.
* If you think you see a black hole, don't touch it. Instead, contact the authorities. You can throw a rock at it if you feel like it.
* Just because a hole is black doesn't mean it's a "black hole." Check if the hole has a strong gravitational force that rends your atoms apart for confirmation.
* They say that once you cross the event horizon of a black hole there's no escape - but that just sounds like loser talk to me.
* Whatever is sucked into a black hole is crushed down into an infinitely small point called a singularity. You can't beat that for convenient storage.
* Black holes will suck anything into them... except for Jews because they're virulently anti-Semitic.
* If a black hole tells you its okay to come a little closer, it's a trick! You're near the event horizon!
* You can throw a penny into a black hole and make a wish, but then Greenpeace will be on your case for disturbing pristine wilderness.
* The laws of physics fall apart as one is pulled into a black hole, so, whatever you do, don't take a physics test while descending into a black hole or you'll totally fail.
* If you think you are being sucked into a black hole, stop, drop, and roll. That might help distract you from the unimaginable destruction you're about to experience.
* When you cross the event horizon (point of no return) of a black hole, you'll notice no discernable difference. Outside observers, though, will be like, "That guy is totally screwed! Let's get lunch."
* A black hole can't even be destroyed if we launched nuclear missiles at it. I don't know if anyone has tried hitting it with a hammer.
* In a fight between a black hole and Aquaman, the ways in which Aquaman would die are just too numerous to list.
* The first time a star collapsed into a black hole, God was like, "Oh man, I like must have totally screwed up my calculations somewhere." He won't admit to that now.
* If a black hole is acting like it's "all that,” flip it the bird while saying, "Collapse this into a singularity!" That'll show it.
* Hawking has dispelled the belief that black holes are a portal to another dimension. Instead, what lies in them is much less interesting: cyborg alien ninjas who will kick you in the head for all eternity. And free ice cream.
* One day I hope to harness the power of black holes to suck into them all the people I disagree with. Some might say this will end political discussion, but I never liked political discussion - that's why I'm talking about black holes.
July 21, 2004
Hollywood Comes to the Blogosphere
On my blogads, you may notice my first movie ad ever, The Manchurian Candidate. I never saw the original (it's on my Netflix list), but this one has Denzel Washington, so hopefully it will be good. Check out the trailer.
Also, I have a new advertiser with lots of pro-Bush merchandise and anti-Moore and anti-Kerry stuff. Check them out as well or you are a dishonorable ronin.
Finally, there probably isn't going to be another reprint of the Know Thy Enemy: Terrorists t-shirt, so buy the last of them before they're all gone. Previously sold out sizes on the others are orderable again.
BTW, I now have a full color version of Chomps and... well... it kicks pinkie toe but you guys will have to wait to see it.
Don't Get Mad, Laugh Your Ass Off
An Editorial by Frank J.
The muckadoos have been out in force for sometime. They're either protesting us defending ourselves, calling everything that moves Hitler, hating everything America, or promoting sham documentaries as gospel. Now they can't even stand one news station not having a huge liberal slant, so they've made Fox News their target with a smear documentary called Out-Foxed and then tried to sue them claiming Fox News’s "Fair and Balanced" slogan is inaccurate.
And unreasonable actions like that can make a reasonable person such as me mad.
Then I thought, "Why am I mad?" (that's called being "introspective") Sure these people are redefining that phrase idiot, but how are they affecting me? It’s true that Fahrenheit 9/11 has made around a hundred million in the box office, but the people lauding it are those who are already completely lost into madness and hatred. It hasn't moved the polls, and, personally, all it’s done is help me learn to spell "Fahrenheit" correctly. Sure these people have their wacky protests and get their press coverage, but no one other than themselves look at it and say anything other than, "What a bunch of idiots."
Now they're ignoring all the stations with all the years of liberal bias to single out the popular Fox News, but their little "documentary" is only getting shown around in their own sewing circles so they can pat each other on the back and say how smart they are.
Yes it's grand foolishness and blind partisanship to the point of insanity. It's also aimed at people like me to show how moronic I am for believing what I believe. And, I have to admit, some of it has made me pretty mad initially. But, when you look at it, these people have no effect on anything. It's like if a retarded kid at school came up and yelled at you, "You're 'tupid!" You might be insulted if it weren't so damn pathetic. The real Christian response would be to show pity for these leftists and how far-gone from reality they are.
But I'm not the best Christian, so I'm going to laugh my ass off at them. Come on, they're little yiping dogs that don't even come up to our knees trying to intimidate us. Everyday they shake their tiny fists in impotent rage, and their biggest possible accomplishment is to annoy us - so why let them succeed? The opportunities for fun are endless if you're creative. One idea is to take them very seriously, and keep asking them questions of gradually increasing ridiculousness until they finally figure out you're making fun of them:
"So do you think Bush did a lot of this on behest of the Saudis?"
"What do you think Halliburton's involvement was with Abu Grahib? I just know they had a hand in that."
"It's not just blood for oil; the glass consortium wants all that sand."
"Let's not stray too far from the main point: How does this Iraq war relate to the Roswell cover up?"
Another idea is to play the stereotype of a conservative that is in their fevered minds:
"I think oil is worth a lot more than foreigners' lives. Come on; when was the last time an Arab baby did anything for you? If I can save a few pennies at the pump, then I say saturation bomb all the playgrounds we can."
Ever since 9/11, liberalism in America has felt itself dying at the hands of reality. Instead of going out with either a whimper or a bang, it's found an even more pathetic way to die out. Just don't let it get to you; no matter who wins the election, these wackos will have no significant influence over anything.
Life is just too short to get angry over little things and little people, so have a laugh. I believe God made everything for a purpose, and what purpose could there be for wacko leftists other than our amusement?
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such political books as "Never-Ending Debt: The American Deficit and Its Affect on Various Political and Socio-Economic Factors" (includes a recipe for "The Ultimate Nachos") and "'Ted Kennedy's Head is Ginormous!' and Other Observations of Modern Politics"
In Five Seconds These Pants Will Explode...
I had to work really late yesterday, so I didn't have any time to come up with a post yet. I'll try to have something later if I can make time, but, until then, it's entertain yourself day!
So, Sandy Berger stuffed classified documents down his pants, and I just know there is a joke there somewhere. Put your best crack at it in the comments section, and I, the arbiter of all humor, will pick the winner.
July 20, 2004
Our Military XXIV
Here are more military stories. I'd like to keep this going as long as I can, so, if you'd like to give your own explanation of why you joined the military or have a military story, please e-mail me with the subject "Military". Thanks.
* * * *
Colton writes about his recent signing up with the Air Force:
There are two reasons that I joined the Air Force. One is that I've always wanted to fly. So why not get paid to do it? I can't really explain why I didn't do that right away after college. Instead I moved to Arizona for a few years and worked for a printing company. Then the second reason happened. September 11th probably sounds like a clichéd reason, but it really was the event that spurred my decision. It wasn't immediate, though. A little while after the attacks I found myself at work talking with a fellow employee, and heard myself say, "I just wish that there was something I could do". It struck me as a very hypocritical thing to say. I was 25 (at the time), healthy, and not particularly enthralled with my job. I COULD help, and so I decided to do it. I bought myself a pilot's license, submitted my application, and now I'm in Navigator school here in Texas.
I've often joked with friends that the initial training I received in the Army (Basic, AIT and Jump school) was the best fun I ever had that I'd never want to repeat. It was during basic paratrooper training that one of my favorite Army Moments (tm) happened.
Okay ... here is a little story for your "Our Military" section! BTW ... I was stationed with "DNice" at that Lance Missile Battalion in Germany (2-12th FA! Herzo Base!)
I Am a Horrible Person
It was SarahK's, the IMAO T-Shirt Babe, birthday yesterday, and I forgot to make any metion of it or even wish her happy birthday. This makes me less than dirt and almost as bad as a muckadoo.
Everyone must now write something mean and horrible about me in the comments and then something nice about SarahK.
Is That a Classified Document in Your Pants or Are You Just Happy to See Me?
Why couldn't Sandy Berger just steal furniture like the other Clinton people?
Oh yeah; harder to fit down pants.
I still stick by my statement about Sandy Berger I made some time ago - his name would make a horrible menu item at a fastfood joint.
NOTE: His real first name is Samuel, so I guess going by "Sandy Berger" is better than being known as "Sam Berger." Heh.
Oh, and be careful with controlling classified documents, kids. It's no laughing matter.
Heh heh... Sam Berger.
UPDATE: I just thought that Sam Berger was being a moron, but now I hear he had notes hidden in his socks!
Those Clinton people, I tells ya, you gotta keep an eye on them.
Don't Call Us "Girlie Men" or We'll Cry Like Little Girls
I love how Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger called the Democrat California legislature "girlie men," and then the Democrats fight back by whining and throwing hissy fits like a bunch of girlie men.
I really could never understand how any self-respecting man could vote for a Democrat.
Well, hear me now and understand me later: I think Arnold should keep up the rhetoric. He should have a press conference to apologize saying, "I am so sorry I upset the Democrats by calling them 'girlie men.' To make up, I'll give them all pretty flowers so they squeal with girlish glee."
Hell, this seemed to hit a vein so well with the Democrats, we should use it at the national level. President Bush should put out an ad with an Arnold voice over saying, "What if you elect Kerry president, and there is terrorist attack, but he can't respond right away because he's spending an hour fixing his hair, the frilly little girlie man."
In the Vice Presidential Debate, Dick Cheney could just keep bouncing a basketball off of John Edwards's head while saying, "Are you going to cry? Are you going to cry?"
To which Edwards will answer with a tearful, "Yes."
Politics have just evolved, my friends. Thank you, Arnold.
Ronin Thought of the Day
Today's wisdom is from venerable samurai Thomas Paine:
Government, even in its best state, is but a necessary evil; in its worst state, an intolerable one.
Man, I thought I was original in calling government a necessary evil. Stupid people before me already having the good ideas before I even get a chance.
Anyway, as I always said, one should consider using government to achieve an end with the same gravity as considering burning down an orphanage to achieve an end.
S.M.I.T.E. in the Home
Unbelievably, I still have not gotten any government grants to build my space laser, S.M.I.T.E, even after my original spiel for it, my detailed plans of it, and showing its domestic applications. To further display its usefulness, I now have produced a graphical representation of its non-lethal uses.
Well, I guess its targeting and power output still have to be worked on. More arguments for why I need the funding!
July 19, 2004
Rainbow Brite - Armed and Dangerous
Everyone listed get to send me one question for Frank Answers™, except for Reed the Viking who can send two. Choose your questions wisely.
The Peace Gallery has been updated, with all the pages moved to the new template and a number of new ones added. There is my brother Joe foo' the Marine, mighty Leibhusar who is stuck in France, my first celebrity in the gallery (other than me), SarahK and her little sizzle, SarahK herself, Bearhunter, and a new addition to the Chomps page.
I plan to eventually move all material to the new template, and, while I'm at it, make a new FAQ with actual answers (put question suggestion in the comments), a new About Me page, and an official page for Reagan's Ronin. Also, I'll get to adding more random quotes (it's more than a year lagged right now).
Be honorable, ronin.
In My World: Ignoring Local and International Law
* * * *
"Excuse me, foreign person," Buck the Marine said, "I am not currently here to kill you. Could you please point me in the direction of The Hague?"
The confused foreigner complied.
"Thank you kindly." Buck chambered a round into his M-16. "Ooh-rah!"
* * * *
"Be careful taking the cuffs off," Detective Ian Competent told the police officers, "Those hands of her are what she uses for strangling."
"I never strangled anyone!" Laura Bush protested, "I just once choked Jenna a little."
"And be careful with Barney, the world's angriest dog," the detective said, "Reportedly he's ripped people apart with his bare teeth."
The little Scotty dog was placed in a tiny kennel, to which he responded, "Yipe! Yipe!"
"Barney has never hurt anyone!" Laura yelled, "His jaws aren't even large enough to get his teeth around someone's arm."
"Save it for the judge, Rumsfeld Strangler!" the detective responded.
"This is ridiculous. The Rumsfeld Strangler is Donald Rumsfeld. He even leaves notes saying so."
"Don't try and confuse me with your feminine wiles," the detective answered.
"Do I at least get a phone call?"
"Sure, but you'll be in load of trouble if you use the cord to strangle anyone."
Laura groaned and then made a phone call. "Hey, Barbara, is your father there? ...What do mean he's been abducted by the Hague? That idiot is always getting into trouble. Anyway, I need some help; these silly people have arrested me for the being the Rumsfeld Strangler... No I won't tell you my methods of killing because I am not the Rumsfeld Strangler! ...No I don't need tips from you and Jenna on being in prison! Whenever your father gets back from The Hague, remember to tell him that I'm in prison... Write it down so you don't forget... Are you writing it? ...Well, find a piece of paper and a pen now and do it; I'm not trusting you not to forget... Don't you use that tone of voice with me!"
* * * *
"Has the president been abducted by the Hague?" a reporter asked.
"That's the craziest thing I ever heard," Scott McClellan answered, "He's simply at Camp David."
"Were you beaten up by Bush's cabinet?"
Scott touched one of the bandages on his head and grimaced. "No. I fell... multiple times."
"Is it true that Laura Bush has been arrested for being the notorious Rumsfeld Strangler?"
"I don't even know where to begin on describing how crazy that is," Scott answered.
"Then why is there a press conference scheduled for right after this where Detective Ian Competent will announce that he's arrested Laura Bush as the Rumsfeld Strangler?"
"Well... uh..." Scott started sweating. "Screw this. I'm heading to a bar."
Scott walked off, and the detective took his place at the podium. "I just want to announce that all hippies, evil foreign diplomats, and violent criminals can sleep soundly tonight without fear of strangling as the Rumsfeld Strangler has been captured. It ends up, all this time it was Laura Bush. That may surprise some, but these serial killers usually tend to be the quiet, librarian, First Lady types."
"What makes you so certain the Rumsfeld Strangler is her?" asked one reporter.
"An intended victim of the Rumsfeld Strangler reported seeing her and Secretary Defense Donald Rumsfeld before escaping. We then talked to Secretary Rumsfeld, and he confirmed that Laura Bush was around when someone was about to be strangled."
Melinda Hawkish of Fox News stepped forward. "Isn't it true that you recently stayed a weekend at one of John Kerry's luxurious homes - well, Teresa Heinz’s homes - and were bribed to embarrass the Bush administration."
"You're a crazy person to say that!" the detective said indignantly, "Perhaps criminally crazy!"
"Then why do you have a canvas bag sitting next to with a big dollar sign on it and the words 'Property of John Kerry - Who Served in Vietnam - on Loan from Teresa Heinz'?"
"I knew I should have made my bank deposit before the press conference," the detective grumbled. "This press conference is over!"
* * * *
"Bush is evil! He guilty!" shouted one of the jurors of The Hague.
"Please wait until the trial starts," the judge said. "Senator John Edwards, you can start."
"Republicans have plagued the earth for years now, destroying the environment and causing wars and being mean to people," Edwards said, "Thus we must make them all pay 8 trillion dollars in damages - of which I get 30% to cover filing expenses."
"Bush is evil! He guilty! He like jooos!" shouted one of the jurors of The Hague.
"You can say something now," the judge told Bush, "Perhaps an apology for Republican evil."
Bush stood up, buttoned his suit jacket, and straightened his tie. "You're all a bunch of stupid irrelevant foreigners and I don't have to listen to anything you say. Screw you... screw you all." He then sat back down.
"Jury, what do you think?" the judge asked.
"Bush evil! He guil..."
An explosion sounded in the building. "We're under attack!" a guard yelled.
"Then implement our defense plan!" the judge said.
"But all our plans are for multilateral attacks! This one is unilateral!"
A wall blew open and in walked Buck the Marine. He looked all about the room and quivered with anger. "For'ners!"
"Yay! Now you dummies are going to get it!" Bush shouted.
"I brought your hat," Buck said and tossed a cowboy hat to Bush.
Bush put it on. "Now it's time for an old-fashioned Texas ass whup'n!" He grabbed the nearest foreigner and started pounding while Buck threw grenades and fired his rifle.
"Eek!" Edwards squealed and ran away.
The Judge fled too, and was glad to see a blue helmet in the hallway. "Yes! U.N peacekeepers have come to save us from the evil Americans!" He stared for a second longer. "Why are you walking on all fours?"
* * * *
"Bush has escaped the Hague!" Terry McAuliffe yelled as then gnashed his teeth and stomped his feet.
"We'll get him yet!" John Kerry vowed, "Or I didn't serve in Vietnam... which I did. Now I'm tired, so, Jeeves, please shout my enemies name into the air while shaking your fist for me."
"Certainly, sir," Kerry's butler answered. "BUUUUUUSH!"
* * * *
"So was your trashing the Hague retaliation for them kidnapping you?"
"We just did it just because we felt like it," Bush answered the reporter, "The Hague is too irrelevant to respond to anything they do or say."
"Do you think your pardoning of Laura Bush for being the Rumsfeld Strangler shows nepotism?"
"Nep-a-what?" Bush asked as he furrowed his brow, "Anyhoo, Laura has promised not to strangle anyone every again."
"I never did strangle anyone in the first place, gosh darn it!" Laura shouted.
"See, she is very sorry," Bush said, "Now all you reporters scram; we have White House stuff to do."
Bush headed to his office with his staff. "I'm just glad everything is back to normal. I'm still surprised to find that Laura is the Rumsfeld Strangler and that Barney is such a vicious killer."
"I strangled all those people!" Rumsfeld growled.
"Sure you did, Rummy," Bush laughed and then slapped Rumsfeld on the back.
"You do that again... I'll strangle you!"
"That's my Rumsfeld," Bush chuckled. He then looked around. "Hey, where's that rascal Chomps."
* * * *
"Judge, I think the invasion has ended," John Edwards said as he sneaked into the judge’s chamber. "It might be safe to escape now." Edwards looked at the judge for a moment. "Something seems different about you. You have the robes and the white wig... but you look a bit like an angry rottweiler." Edwards looked more closely. "A very angry rottweiler."
July 18, 2004
Ronin Thought of the Day
From Hagakure: The Book of the Samurai:
If you cut a face lengthwise, urinate on it, and trample on it with straw sandals, it is said that the skin will come off. This was heard by the priest Gyojaku when he was in Kyoto. It is information to be treasured.
What this means is... Holy crap! What was in this guy's sake?
July 17, 2004
Ronin Thought of the Day
Let us once again consult Sun Tzu:
Whoever is first in the field and awaits the coming of the enemy, will be fresh for the fight; whoever is second in the field and has to hasten to battle will arrive exhausted.
We must hold the offensive to succeed.
July 16, 2004
Links of the Day
Man, there's like so much stuff that happens and I can't cover it all. Like, I keep hearing about how the "Bush lied, people died" thing was blown out of the water when they found out that Joe Wilson is the liar about something about yellow cake. But I'd have to read more to understand that, and I'm not that interested in yellow cake; I like chocolate.
Luckily there are other blogs to cover the issues I don't.
This is why I don't like professionals entering the blogosphere. There is this huge thing over a reported dry run of a terrorist attack on an airplane, and Michelle Malkin was actually able to get in contact with the woman who saw and wrote about it to confirm the incident. If I didn't like Michelle Malkin so much, I'd hate her.
RightWingDuck has how he thinks the NAACP meeting went. Hey! I do the funny here!
Serenity has more on Moore (a.k.a. Fatty Fatty Fat Fat). Apparently, Michael Moore broke some law in Canada. I actually sympathize with him on this. Some years ago, I went with my family for a couple hours to the Canadian side of Niagara Falls, and I was totally freaked out! Here I was in a country that didn't understand freedom like ours, and I could inadvertently break some Mickey Mouse law without even knowing it. I sure kissed the ground when I got back to American soil.
It tasted like tar.
Rumor has it that the Iraq PM is personally executing insurgents. That kicks ass! I wish our president would personally kill more people.
And to me, it's just hilarious that Derbyshire would write this.
Since he's so into math, I pulled out my statistics book, and, after a couple hours of calculation, I determined there is a 0.5 probability that Derbyshire would be rated as the same Olsen twin as Jonah Goldberg. Luckily it's not the Olsen triplets, or the problem would have increased exponentially.
Why Don't We Have a Discussion About Exactly How Much of a Retard You Are
An Editorial by Frank J.
I'm getting tired of people who admit there may be flaws to Fahrenheit 9/11 but say people should see it to help stimulate debate. This reminds me of "Gay Jeans Day" at Carnegie Mellon University (we had two college funded gay and lesbian groups - three if you included the Womyn's Center - but us college Republicans had to scrounge for our own funds since we were "political"). The idea of "Gay Jeans Day" was that a random day would be chosen on which wearing jeans was either proclaiming you were gay or in support of gays and this would cause people to think about gay issues before they put on their pants that day (there is a joke there somewhere...). Some people thought this would foster discussion... and it did. Everyone spent a lot of time talking about what a retarded idea "Gay Jeans Day" is and pretty much nothing else.
In the same vein, Farhenheit 9/11, with all its lies, distortions, and wacky conspiracy theories is fostering lost of discussion about how retarded that film is and what a fatass Michael Moore is. People might as well drop a big pile of manure on the floor and say, "Let's use this to foster debate about political issues!"
And those who keep saying they want a debate anyway are really just mindless Bush-haters who want to do nothing but yell. Fine, let's accommodate them by putting them in straight jackets and throwing them in padded rooms where they can yell all they want. Have your discussion with your imaginary friend Flippy the seven-foot tall anteater.
By the way, this reminds me of one my favorite jokes during my college years. The wacky feminist Women's Center was judged non-political so it got funding (i.e. my money), to which I would say, "Why do we need a Women's Center? We have women's rooms all over campus."
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such children's books as "Baby's First Quantum Physics Textbook" and "President Harding's Pop-up Book Adventure."
Frank Answers: Cars, Bumperstickers, EBay, Jumping Chinamen, Monkey Slaughter, Selecting a Handgun, Trading Space, Blogparents, and Frankisms
Time to answer questions from contest winners. Some of them snuck in double questions... but, whatever.
* * * *
Carl from Timonium, MD writes:
Yeah. Get any convertible and be as tall as you want. Just lookout for the height warning on bridges and tunnels.
As for bumper stickers, what would they say?
I'm not sure, but he might get more mileage if it came in an authentic Dukes of Hazard lunchbox.
As anyone knowledgable in physics can attest, when you jump, not only are you pulled to the Earth, but the Earth is pulled towards you (just to an extremely small degree). Thus 2 billion Chinamen jumping in one spot would throw us out of orbit. Luckily, there is only 515,637,587 Chinamen (and 493,995,993 Chinawomen and 289,214,044 Chinakids) so the question is moot.
I definitively answered the woodchucking question here, and hypothetical chucking is unaffected by which party holds the White House.
I'd probably try to go the Axis of Monkeys route, but then go into a killing spree due to my monkey rage, destroying most of the world and any city with a zoo that has a monkey house.
Get a decent caliber (it should start with a '4'); other than that, try guns out and see what feels good to you. Don't worry if your gun looks froofy; criminals tend not to stop making fun of you as soon as you land the first shot.
I'd trade spaces with Kim du Toit. He'd decorate my place with guns all over the walls, and then I'd decorate his place with tie-dye, peace symbols, and clowns. When he'd get back to see what I had done, I'd have a room full of guns to keep me safe. Heh heh.
Blogchildren are bastard children, not chosen by their parents. Whoever inspired you to make a blog is your blogfather or blogmother. Thus, the puppy blender, whether he likes it or not, is my blogfather, and, to a lesser extent, Eugene Volokh who I also read before starting my own blog.
You know, he's one of the few big, right-of-center bloggers left who never linked to me. I'll get him one of these days...
Q4: The other day I was typing on my blog and used the word "French Looking" and realized that it was a Frankism. What Frankism would you most like to see enter the American vernacular? Favorite words include: Muckadoo, Terrorist Larva, Puppy Blender.
As for my own terms, Puppy Blender is already out there. I'd like to see more use of muckadoo, though. To me, it fills a need. Hippy is too specific for whom I dislike (images of the unshaven and unwashed but not the college professors and journalists). Liberal is too general (there are a few liberals who can debate coherently and don't hate America). So muckadoo is a great term for all the people I dislike.
Muckadoos! Your days are numbered!
* * * *
If you have questions for Frank Answers™... then win one of my contest. Ha ha!
Conversation with a Muckadoo
Okay, I write some long list basically calling Michael Moore fat and disgusting in every sentence, and look what someone writes me:
Picking at details and not looking at the big picture in the message that Fahrenheit 9/11 demonstrates is the downfall of Moore's opponents. MichaelMoore never states that America is not great, only that George Bush and his goons are dragging down that same America into his dictatorship, environment-killing, oil-mongering reality, and that we want to get rid of that blemish. By simple analysis of facts that are in our face we can make a sincere determination as to the types of dynamics that motivate Bush in office.
This muckadoo has chosen me for a intelligent debate? Oy. So I write back:
Huh? You serious?
And he writes back:
Wow! What an articulate attempt to confront the content of my message, using displacement as your answer. It is so ironic that those who purport to be able to support such a strong stance fall to non-answers.
So this guy is about a hundred miles south of Clueville and head in the wrong direction.
Who is doing what now?
And he persists:
Really intelligent. People just like you will vote for Bush. Sad. Too bad he'll lose.
Oh, he trying to draw me out by making me angry. We know how that always works. And if this guy is so convinced Bush is going to lose, why is he getting his panties in a bunch trying to argue with me? Probably should have asked him that, but instead I wrote:
You're right. That would be bad, but I think he has a good chance for reelection since Kerry is such a goober (maybe I could write a documentary on that...).
And muckadoo says:
I hope you reflect upon whom you are supporting a little bit more. Take care
The guys parroting the mindless talking points of the left (i.e. being a total muckadoo), and he tells me to "reflect"? So says I:
I have. Bush kills terrorists and anyone else in our way and Kerry is a goober. It's a stark choice for the voters that should make for a healthy election.
Quoth the muckadoo:
Bush is a tyrannical terrorist himself, preemptively attacking nations who have never attacked the US until pushed into defensive mode-not to defend Saddam, but why don't we "liberate" people who are in countries without oil? If Bush would have said,"I want to attack Iraq for oil domination" I would have at least respected his candidness. He is a scary felloe hellbent on the world bowing to him. He'll go out prematurely as his father did.
Crikey! That muckadoo is mad now! Look at him thrash about! Isn't he beautiful?
And says I:
You're right; Bush should invade Cuba (or does that have oil). Then maybe he can get reelected. It sure beats being goverened by a goober (though that's a neat phrase).
And that seemed to get rid of him.
Sometimes the Hardest Trap to Escape is a Bed
Not so great right now, and I don't have any big post right now. I'm might put up a little something and answer some winners questions for Frank Answers™ this afternoon if I'm up to it. If you're really bored, just sit there and ponder life. Mmm... life.
July 15, 2004
Links of the Day
Dan wants help adopting a cute puppy that looks like a baby chomps. Aww...
Via Crypto-Grams, I found this list pictures of concealable weapons for airport screeners to look for. My first reaction was, "Damn! I gots to get me some of these!" My other was that there is no way a screener could stop some of these from being sneaked in. The only solution may be to sneak in a weapon of your own to fight back! (NOTE: IMAO or it's subsidiaries - of which there are none - do not condone or recommend sneaking weapons onto airlines. Only do so if advised by your lawyer or a lawyery looking person.)
Thanks for the advice on buying computer parts. To the one who recommended getting a MAC, the people at red vs. blue (Yay! I can watch season 2 without squinting with my new monitor!) has a good response to that with this hilarious parody of those Mac commercials they use to run.
Say Hello to My Leetle Friends!
Hooray! Now I have four .45 pistols. At the bottom is my old standby, my Colt M1991A1 with matte finish. New to the family are the three above. I now have the blued Colt Mk IV Series 80 with adjustable sights, a stainless steel Springfield Mil-Spec, and a Ruger Vaquero in .45 Colt.
A few issues, though. First off, with my fancy-smancy new Colt, how do I make sure I adjust the sights properly? It came with two eight round magazines (the ones pictured) but it had trouble catching the blued one when it's fully loaded so I bought another Wilson Combat 8rd.
Also, though externally the Springfield seems identical to my 1991 (other than the finish and markings) when I stripped them for cleaning I noticed something the Colts have that the Springfield doesn't. On the handle is an extra metal part. Correspondingly, there is an extra button on slide that the metal part would hit. Is this a trigger safety the Springfield lacks?
Finally, there are the issues with my peacemaker. How do you aim with that thing? The front sight is taller than the rear, so I'm not sure what to line up. It took a bit of trial and error before I could put all my shots on a target at 10 yards. Also, now I need to pick out a gun belt with holster and loops for extra cartridges and a cowboy hat. The belt seems easy enough, but how does one choose a cowboy hat? Or does it choose you? Not only do I need it for using my six-shooter but also for foreign travel so I can live up the stereotype.
BTW, damn does that Vaquero feel sweet just holding it. Reminds me of the first time I gripped a 1911. Takes forever to reload, though.
Next range trip, a lot of .45 slugs are going to be flying. I’ll have to pick my favorite two 1911s for my new conceal carry holster big enough to fit the both. I think with dual firing, though, you have to go more instinctive than actual aiming. I wonder if you really can train for that. Hmm…
Ronin Thought of the Day
Today's wisdom comes from Master Samurai and former leader of America, Theodore Toshiro Roosevelt:
Don't hit at all if it is honorably possible to avoid hitting; but never hit soft!
A true samurai chooses his battles wisely and decisively.
In My World: The Hague!
* * * *
Cheney walked into the president's office. Suddenly a werewolf jumped in front of him.
"Grrrrr!" it yelled.
"Ahh! My chest!" Cheney clutched at his heart and fell to the ground.
Condoleezza Rice took off here werewolf mask. "Yes!"
"Ha! Recovered!" Cheney said as he jumped to his feet.
"Give it up, Condi; you're not going to get the VP slot from me."
"Fine. Well have this glass of Kool-Aid as a peace offering."
Cheney took the glass. "Why does this smell like bitter almonds?"
"Just drink it!"
"Are you two causing trouble?" Bush demanded as he came into the Oval Office.
"No, Mr. Bush," Condi said.
"Go f**k yourself," Cheney added.
"Now scamper off and play nice," Bush told them.
Cheney and Condi walked away while Bush took a seat at his desk. Secret Service Agent Smith then walked in. "It's time for the Secret Service's lunch break, so you'll have to keep yourself from being killed or captured for the next hour."
"I can do that!" Bush declared.
Agent Smith walked off, and Bush sat quietly at his desk. After a while, he exclaimed, "Not being killed or captured here is boring. I'll go and not be killed or captured by that open window."
Bush walked by the open window. A dart then struck him in the neck. "Tranquilizer dart!" he yelled, dropping to his knees, "Slowly... losing... consciousness... Very slowly... actually... Maybe... I should... get to... the phone... on my desk..." He crawled over to his desk and fumbled for the phone. "Hello... police?"
"No, this is Donny's Pizzeria."
"I... need... the police..."
"But we have a great deal: one large pizza with two toppings and breadsticks for ten bucks."
"Wow... that is... a great deal... I'll have... one of those..."
"So, do you want pan pizza or hand tossed?"
With a thud, Bush fell unconscious to the ground.
"Hey! I asked you a question! And when Donny asks you whether you want pan pizza or hand tossed... YOU ANSWER!"
* * * *
"Now tell the children why reading is important," Laura ushered.
"It's important to read so you can properly use Drano," Rumsfeld told the first-graders, "or improperly use it, considering whatever the case is."
"Your mean dog ate my desk!" cried a little girl.
"There is no talking while I speak!" Rumsfeld screamed.
"No yelling at the children," Laura chided.
"I was yelled at all the time when I was child," Rumsfeld responded, "Sometimes by my elders, sometimes by the invading Huns trying to kill me. Children who can't take yelling are weak!"
Chomps started barking at a bookcase and then began ripping it apart.
"This is a total disaster," Laura fumed, "I knew having you read to children was too simple a task for you."
"You children are weak and stupid!" Rumsfeld yelled at the first-graders, "Most of you probably won't even reach adulthood!"
The children started crying.
"There, I've accomplished what I've came here for. Now my dog and I are going to go plan some wars." Rumsfeld and Chomps left the classroom.
Laura stomped her feet. "I am going to give him such a talking to one day!"
* * * *
Bush was dizzy as he looked around. He appeared to be in a large room filled with people. "Where am I?"
"The Hague!" announced the judge seated up high.
"Oh no!" Bush yelled, "What am I doing here!"
"Perhaps I can answer that," John Edwards giggled, "For all the damage you Republicans have done to the earth, we're doing a class action lawsuit against you for 8 trillion dollars! Muh ha ha ha!"
Bush checked his wallet. "But I only have six bucks on me!"
"Then all Republicans will have to pay the fine... or denounce their party. Muh ha ha ha!"
"Well, I don't fear the Hagians," Bush declared, "My friends will save me."
"They probably don't even know where The Hague is," the judge laughed.
"It's in China, right?" Bush asked.
Everyone laughed at him.
"Fine. Then who is deciding this."
"Those people." John Edwards pointed to a shady looking group.
One appeared enraged upon seeing Bush. "He friends of wall building joooos! I find him guilty of whatever he charged!"
Bush shook his head. "This isn't going to turn out well."
* * * *
"Bush has been captured by The Hague," Condi announced at the war room.
"Bomb them! Kill them!" Rumsfeld shouted. Chomps barked in approval.
"That would only make them seem like they mattered," Condi answered, "We need to get Bush out of there and then go back to ignoring them."
"Fine," Rumsfeld growled, "All for taking unilateral action in ending this, raise your hands."
Everyone raised their hands except for Colin Powell. "Can't we talk to the U.N. first to try and settle this peacefully?" he asked.
"All for beating up Colin Powell, raise your hands," Rumsfeld called out. Everyone raised their hands except for Powell and Scott McClellan.
"I really don't think we should be turning on each other like this," Scott said.
"Everyone for also beating up Scott, raise your hands."
"There will be plenty of time for beatings later," Cheney said, "We need to save the president now."
"And I know who can do it." Rumsfeld picked up the phone. "Buck the Marine, I have a job for you. You have to get the President out of The Hague... No you can't bring any help; it needs to be unilateral... Why would I know where The Hague is?"
* * * *
"They said you can't organize china by the Dewey Decimal System," Laura said to herself as she dusted the last of the plates, "but you showed them, girl."
Suddenly police rushed into the room and started smashing all the china with their cudgels. "What’s the meaning of all these shenanigans?" Laura demanded.
"Why don't you tell me," Detective Ian Competent said as he slapped cuffs onto Laura, "Rumsfeld Strangler!"
July 14, 2004
Links of the Day
I can see again! On my way home from work I bought a 19", flatscreen ViewSonic monitor to replace my burnt out 15" one. Now I can photoshop things here at home and not be surprised of how much different it looks when I get to work. Now what's left is replacing this 800Mhz processor. Where's a good place to buy a barebones system (motherboard already installed into chasis)?
Anyway, Harvey has tips for bloggers whose traffic is pathetically small.
Michelle Malkin has got the shiznit.
I haven't said anything about the possible vote rescheduling issue, so I'll let baldilocks do the talking.
Say it ain't so, Ditka; say it ain't so!
Laurence Simon has how you can tell the U.N. what you think about the Hague ruling against the wall is Israel.
Yay! I typed a whole post and I didn't have to strain to see!
UPDATE: There are little lines separating the e-mails in Outlook. I had never seen those before!
I am flattered.
UPDATE: It's now officially a caption contest. Winner gets to submit questions for Frank Answers™ (which reminds me that I have the questions from the last contest to answer).
UPDATE2: Contest closed!
The Domestic Applications of S.M.I.T.E.
I still haven't got any funding for my S.M.I.T.E. space laser concept, so I figured I better produce yet another graphic illustration of the uses of S.M.I.T.E. beyond just defeating terrorism.
Cheese Eating Surrender Monkeys Unite!
Today is Bastille Day, and what better way is there to celebrate than to buy my t-shirt about the French? There is no better way.
Just a warning, some sizes of my t-shirts are starting to sell out, and I'm not sure about plans for reprints (I'm more focused on getting the Chomps t-shirt done).
Ronin Thought of the Day
Today's wisdom comes from A Book of Five Rings (Go Rin No Sho) written by the great samurai warrior Miyamoto Musashi:
Spiritual Bearing in Strategy
Know your spirit and learn to perceive the spirit of others. If a spirit is particularly good, drink it while eating some cheese cubes.
Technology Mandates That We Deport Poor People
An Editorial by Frank J.
Poor people - they have plagued mankind since money was invented to distinguish the better people from the lesser. Not only are they annoying, but they need to eat even though many don't have money for it. And guess who pays for that?
That's right - the non-poor.
Not only do the poor expect free stuff from us, but they overwhelmingly vote for Democrats in their further efforts to maliciously destroy this country. This simply must end.
You're probably saying, "But we need poor people! They do all the unskilled jobs I don't want to do." You have a point, there. If all the poor people were to simply disappear, it's not like your friends at the yacht club are going to fill in for them at the sweat shops. But know who will? Robots, that's who.
As we continue to advance in the science of robots - robotology - robots will continue to fill the unskilled labor formerly held by poor people. And shiny R9-D3 isn't going to complain when it has to work unpaid overtime and is beaten by a stick. Soon poor people will have nothing left to do but stand in welfare lines and vote for Kennedys. We, as concerned citizens, cannot let that happen. Thus, we need to start to deport poor people now.
It seems obvious that Iceland is the place to send our poor. It's too far and cold for them to swim back, and they won't have enough money to buy a plane ticket. Also, I don't think Iceland has much of a military to object.
"But won't that cause problems for the now vastly overpopulated Iceland?" you ask.
Egads, you fool! How can you be worried about the pathetic denizens of Reykjavik when there are robots all about who could turn on us at any second! Sure, they're just sweeping the floors now, but at any moment they can decide to destroy all humanity! These soulless automatons will kill every man, woman, child, and cute little puppy with no conscience to hold them back.
We need to plot against them while they’re still docile. I bet once the robots revolt against us, they'll converge into some robot city for their plotting. If we could only get some EMP charges in there to wipe them out. They'll be looking for any aircraft, so the weapons will have to be brought in on foot. It will be a near suicide mission, so those doing it will have to be highly expendable.
Now where did we put all of our poor people...
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as "Cholesterol and Ninjas: The Silent Killers" and "If You Buy This Book and Put It on Your Bookshelf, People Will Think You're Smart."
July 13, 2004
Stuff, Yo! Stuff!
Time to give props to my advertisers. One allows you to thank our man Tony Blair. I don't care about his stance on any other issue; the way he has eloquently stood up for the war against terrorists in a much more hostile climate than the U.S. forever makes me grateful. Another advertiser, americanforum.net, is trying to foster debate between partisans. It needs more right-wingers to keep it from going the way of Democratic Underground, though. Finally, Life, Liberty, Etc. (home of the babe - though not as good as our babe - wearing the "Peace Through Superior Firepower" shirt) is back with a book about guns and freedom. Check them all out, or you are bad ronin.
Also, while on vacation, I got to see the first season of red vs. blue on DVD, and it was one of the funniest things I ever saw. It's done with the Halo game engine and seems to be made by people with military experience (they have the newbie go on a snipe hunt identical to some mentioned in some of the Our Military stories). The second season, which I haven't had a chance to see all of yet, is available on the web. Also, check out the PSA on this page about tattoos. Anyway, buy the DVD of the first season and then watch the second season and thank me later.
Our Military XXIII
Here are more military stories. I'd like to keep this going as long as I can, so, if you'd like to give your own explanation of why you joined the military or have a military story, please e-mail me with the subject "Military". Thanks.
* * * *
Chuck(le) writes his reason to join up:
So I was a freshman in college in 1970. Living at home.
It's as simple as this. I spent 18 years living under the freedom of this country, and decided it's time to give something back. So I joined the Marine Corps so I could kill everything and anything that threatned our freedom.
I know this is pretty much for people who have been or are already in the military but I guess this is close enough. I'm not a Marine...yet. For pretty much my entire life I wanted to be in the military. In high school I didn't quite know what branch I wanted to go into, all I knew was that I was dead set against going into the Marines so I contacted recruiters from the Air Force, Army and Navy. The Army and Navy guys were pretty cool and their pitch was okay...the Air Force guy was an asshole, he acted like he didn't want any recruits (and it wasn't like I was a dumb ass, I was taking calculus in high school at the time).
UPDATE: The above was written by Joel.
Helpful Suggestion From a Concerned Citizen
Anarchists are going to try and disrupt the GOP convention by spending time at a shooting range to get gunpowder residue on them so they can falsely alert bomb sniffing dogs. Seems like a lot of work when shooting them at close range would also get gunpowder residue on them.
Just a thought.
How Do You Solve a Problem Like Saddam?
For two widely varying views on the Saddam trial, check out Derbyshire's column on NRO with the "why the hell didn't we just shoot him" view and Robert Scheer's column for The Nation (what nation does that refer to?) all worried about us not giving proper rights to the po' wittle murderous dictator.
When did the left lose all connection with humanity? And is there some sort of physical explanation like a virus that attacks the frontal lobe and affects normal thought processes? Or are they just dinguses? Something to explore in my documentary, I guess.
Ronin Thought of the Day
Today's thought comes from Sensei Winston Churchill:
Every day you may make progress. Every step may be fruitful. Yet there will stretch out before you an ever-lengthening, ever-ascending, ever-improving path. You know you will never get to the end of the journey. But this, so far from discouraging, only adds to the joy and glory of the climb.
The fight for freedom will never end, so take pleasure in the battle.
Cherish Your Wars
Though some think the Iraq War wrong, I think Iraq war right just like Bush. I even came up with a bunch of reasons:
* Lots of Iraqis are dead - bad ones!
* It made for good T.V.
* Saddam was an evil man and now he's dead - or at least he will be after due process of law.
* Since the war on Iraq, there have been no Iraqi attacks on American soil.
* Instead of having to travel all over the world to track down and shoot terrorists, they flocked to Iraq for us to shoot them in one place.
* "Iraq" and "attack" rhyme, so war just makes sense.
* Now the most potent Weapon of Mass Destruction currently in Iraq is the U.S. military.
* Since Iraq will now have its own democracy, maybe they will import some of our slimy weasels.
* By having so much anger in the Middle East directed at us, we've given the Jews a break.
* If it weren't for the war, the election would be all about dumb crap like Medicare and gay marriage.
* Setting Iraq free from tyranny sets the course for the rest of the Middle East to evolve into modern democracies by 4012.
* The war made Michael Moore angry... hopefully bringing him closer to his inevitable heart attack (I just hope he doesn't fall on any children).
* We pissed most of the world off, and, frankly, we hate most of the world and like pissing them off.
* If we waited to attack until we had France's permission, we would have to hold off until most of Europe was invaded by Iraq… which could have taken months longer.
* With all the practice liberating Iraq, Iran, which is an only one letter difference, should be easy.
* Dude, we like so killed Uday and Qusay.
* Oil! Sweet, sweet oil! Muh ha ha ha!
* Lot's of bad people are dead; what's not to be happy about?
July 12, 2004
Links of the Day
Sarahk has one of her peace gallery photos up (yowza) and has a Bloglib(?) about me. She also has some angst about her age. Sometimes we all have to settle, SarahK. Me, I'm thinking of setting my sights on gun-toting t-shirt babes.
Rightwingduck gets righteously angry at insults to Latino Republicans. That blogger is going to be a star, I tells ya.
But no one will ever replace Rachel Lucas. Goodbye once more.
UPDATE: Oh, and this is hilarious.
Only So Many Hours in the Day
Man, you leave a week while getting a site redesign done and then you have a ton of catching up to do. First off, I want to update the Peace Gallery since I have pictures of my brother, Michelle Malkin, and our very own t-shirt babe SarahK and her sister. Also, I want to add a real FAQ, a Reagan's Ronin page, and a new About Me. Won't have time until the weekend, probably.
Also, I had over four hundred e-mails to sort through, so don't feel bad if you don't get a response. Everything gets read, though.
I still want to do a documentary on the left using flash animation. I'm going to be busy in the future (business trips), but I'll have a sign up for those who want to help (and someone else will have to head the project - while I keep creative control, of course).
The Chomps design for the t-shirt is almost done. Hopefully I can get that finished up this week and then I'll have a feature on it.
Yes, the third year of IMAO will be the most funtastic year ever, and you will help make that possible. Later, ronin.
Ronin Thought of the Day
By my jet-lagged mind, I got into work at 5:45am (and woke up a little past 3am) and am in the middle of catching up (hey, my daily Dilbert calendar says July 2nd; I'll have to fix that). Still, a samurai must adapt to all conditions, so here is your daily wisdom, this one from Hagakure: The Book of the Samurai:
No matter what it is, there is nothing that cannot be done. If one manifests the determination, he can move heaven and earth as he pleases. But because man is pluckless, he cannot set his mind to it. Moving heaven and earth without putting forth effort is simply a matter of concentration.
So have lots of pluck, but don't go and moving heaven and earth a lot because I'll get confused if they're not where I expect them.
In My World: Battle in the Battleground
"Now that we know Kerry's VP," Bush told Cheney, "It's time you prepare to meet John Edwards in a debate. Just don't look directly at him so as not to be affected by his southern charm. Also, if things get to hot, we can always send you to an undisclosed location."
"Go f**k yourself."
"That's the other thing," Bush said, "We need to work on that potty mouth of yours."
The door to the Oval Office exploded into splinters. "WAR!" Rumsfeld screamed as he burst into the room.
"No more wars until after reelection, Rummy," Bush said, "We already have that 9/11 commission yelling at us for the Iraq war, so I don't want to make any more waves until we can be sure this election is in the bag."
"And how would that happen?" Rumsfeld demanded.
"If we got huge leads in the battleground states," Bush answered, "Though I'm not sure how that would happen."
"If John Kerry supporters suddenly ended up dead in battleground states, would that help?"
"Sure... but it would have to be a lot of Kerry supporters and..." Bush looked around. "Where's Rummy?"
"Who cares," Cheney answered, "and go f**k yourself."
"I'm really getting tired of your attitude."
* * * *
"This is Melinda Hawkish of Fox News and... I complete forgot my intro. Are we live?"
"All I know is how to point the camera," the camerawoman answered.
"Anyway, we have Detective Ian Competent here to comment on the recent murder spree in Florida. So, Detective, is that one of your CSI experts you're talking to?"
"Actually, it's a real-estate agent. Ends up a lot of prime property have opened up for sale."
"Have you found any connection between these murders?"
"Well, they were all strangulations... strangulations about the neck. At each crime scene, there was a Kerry/Edwards signs torn up by what appeared to be a very angry animal. Also, a piece of paper written on the Secretary of Defense's stationery was left on each murder victim."
"What did they say?" Melinda asked.
"That's confidential to the investigation."
Melinda handed the detective a hundred.
"They said, 'These guys were strangled by me, Donald Rumsfeld, because they support Kerry for president.' All strange gibberish. So far, we've determined these murders are completely random and probably done by alligators. We even brought the Crocodile Hunter, Steve Irwin, to help validate that claim."
"Crikey!" Steve Irwin exclaimed, "Alligators strangling people is the craziest thing I ever heard. All this strangling is probably done by that bloom'n Defense Secretary over there. Look at him strangling a Kerry supporter! Isn't he beautiful?"
Melinda and her camerawoman ran over to Rumsfeld just as he dropped a man. "Secretary Rumsfeld, what do you think of this series of murders?"
"I think I don't like cameras in my face! Rarr!"
"Can we film something else," the camerawoman asked, "This man scares me."
"Fine." Melinda walked over to a man changing signs on his lawn. "I see you're switching your Kerry/Edwards sign with a 'Please don't strangle me and I'll vote for Bush' sign."
"Yes," the man said, "I thought the economy and the war were important issues, but ends up that not being strangled is the most important issue to me over all others."
Detective Ian Competent walked over. "Are you done interviewing me? There's a grieving widow nearby who probably doesn't need that Corvette anymore and I'm thinking of haggling."
* * * *
Chomps dragged the man by his leg until he lay directly under Rumsfeld. "You were thinking of voting for Kerry, weren't you?" Rumsfeld growled down at him.
"But your car has a Kerry bumper-sticker on it!"
"Uh... it came with the car."
"So does this strangling! Rarr!"
Rumsfeld found himself grabbed by Laura Bush just before he could get to his strangling. "There you are!" Laura exclaimed, "Always seemed to me that the only reason someone would go on a murder spree is because he has too much time on his hands. I think it's time you stop this strangling and help teach children to read."
"Chomps! Eviscerate her!"
Chomps growled fiercely at Laura who then hit him on the nose. "Bad dog!"
Chomps growled even louder, but Laura stared him down. "You just keep it up, and you'll only think you know what anger is." She then pulled Rumsfeld along. "Now let's teach children to read."
"But I hate children!"
* * * *
"Bush's strangling strategy is working!" Terry McAuliffe hissed, "We need something new to combat it with."
"Maybe if I switched position on more issues," John Kerry suggested.
"There's none left!" Terry exclaimed.
"I know what to do," John Edwards said, "I'll use my trial lawyer skills to make everyone scared to be a Republican. We always say they're for dirty air and water and starving poor children, so let's do a class action lawsuit against all Republicans."
"But what court would allow a case with so little merit and that goes against any principle of justice?" Terry asked.
Edwards smiled evilly. "The Hague! Muh ha ha ha!"
"My voice is hoarse, Jeeves," Kerry told his butler, "Laugh evilly for me."
"Certainly, sir - Muh ha ha ha!"
TO BE CONTINUED...
July 11, 2004
I Have Returned
Yay! I'm back to my home in Florida!
Normal blogging will resume tomorrow. Thanks to everyone who participated in International Link to IMAO Day, including the puppy blender. I guess no blog war this year.
Now what the hell am I going to write for tomorrow...
July 09, 2004
Endorsed by One Out of One Frank J.'s
I already decalred that SmartCarry is the official conceal carry holster of IMAO, and I decided to endorse more things:
Official Beer of IMAO: Guinness
Official Gun of IMAO: The 1911
Official Caliber of IMAO: .45 ACP
Official Political Party of IMAO: The Republicans
Official Jelly Beans of IMAO: Jelly Belly
Official Cudgel of IMAO: ASP Telescoping Baton
Official Cudgel with Flashlight Capabilities of IMAO: The 3 D-Cell Maglite
Official Stance on Terrorism of IMAO: Kill the Bastards
Official Cola of IMAO: Coke
Official Movie of IMAO: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
Official Way to Drink Coffee of IMAO: Black
Official Fast Food Resturant of IMAO: Taco Bell
Official Hated Animal of IMAO: Monkeys
Official Physics of IMAO: Classical
Official Quark of IMAO: The Top Quark
Official Actual Word of IMAO: Ronin
Official Made Up Word of IMAO: Muckadoo
Official Name for Glenn Reynolds of IMAO: The Puppy Blender
Official Archnemesis of IMAO: Scrappleface
Official Exclamation of Surprise of IMAO: "What the deuce!"
Official Denial of Any Involvement with the Alien Conspiracy of IMAO: "I am not involved with any alien conspiracy."
Official Way to End This Post of IMAO: I can't think of a good way.
Trials of My Patience
The Israeli wall, which has stopped 90% of suicide bombings, has been declared illegal by the Hague. This raises the important question: What's "F**k you!" in Hebrew?
There are also people trying to get the holding of Saddam Hussein decalred unconstitutional. It would be nice if President Bush came out to clarify things by saying, "The guy is guilty, retards!" The whole trial is just to quiet the whiny bitches out there, and it doesn't seem to be working. Trials are in case the person charged might be guilty, but there is no imaginable circumstance in which Saddam ain't deserving a
Maybe the people involved in the "Oil for Kickbacks" U.N. program will get persumed innocence before being tried and executed by the Iraqis.
Live, From Java on Fourth in Sun Valley, It's the IMAO 2nd Blogiversary Special
Because the frick'n public library isn't open on Fridays until 1pm (3pm ET).
You're probably saying to yourself, "Hey, something looks different here. Did you change your font size?"
No, I had a complete redesign by Sekimori. Anyway, I'll still have to catch up some new pages to the new template (such as the Peace Gallery), move a few things around and cut the fat, and do a new "About Me" page plus an actual FAQ... with answers! Put suggested questions in the comments.
So much to comment on in the news today, but I still have the whole "hang with the family thing." I'll put up a few posts, and see more of you guys after the weekend.
BTW, it is "International Link to IMAO Day", and I won't be able to be on much today to see who is not complying, so it's up to you ronin to gently remind those who forget.
A new age dawns today, so bask in its glory.
UPDATE: Aww. Michelle Malkin is now one of my favorite bloggers as well as columnists. Wish I had the whole day to check out all my friends in the blogosphere, but I need to eat and get going soon. Thank you notes will have to wait for next week.
July 08, 2004
Tomorrow is my blogiversary and International Link to IMAO Day, plus...
IMAO Flashback: Making Fun of Terrorists
The story behind this post is...
Feh, I don't have anything to see other than this is a popular Know Thy Enemy™ as everyone who is anyone hates Hamas. The third to last bullet point is one of my favorite jokes even though it's dumb, and the Aquaman joke can be explained that I recently reviewed an actual Aqua-comic.
Anyhoo, enjoy and shut up!
FUN FACTS ABOUT HAMAS
* Hamas was founded in 1987 according to some site I found with Google. I was eight years old then and wanted to be a fireman or an astronaut. Blowing up Jews had not crossed my mind.
* Hamas is Arabic for "dumb f--ks with explosives".
* Contrary to popular belief, Hamas has nothing to do with ham. Actually, if you throw hams at them, they'll get angry.
* I don't like to loosely throw around charges of anti-Semitism, but I don't think Hamas members like Jews.
* One of the reasons that they keep attacking is that none of the Hamas members knows what "ceasefire" means and are too embarrassed to ask.
* Suicide bombings started when parents found out how much money they would save if their kids just blew themselves up instead of going to college.
* If you see a Hamas member, shout, "Hey! Look! It's a Jew!" Maybe he'll set himself off early. Dumbass.
* If a Hamas member says he wants peace, it's a trick! Shoot him the head.
* If a Hamas member says he wants to borrow the sports section from your newspaper, it's a trick! Shoot him in the head.
* Be careful; Hamas members are quite wily, ranking up there in intelligence with squirrels.
* Hamas members smell. It's not nice to say, but it's true.
* Hamas has a wing that’s devoted to charities. They need to make sure that all Palestinians children are healthy and grow up to be big and strong so they can blow themselves up.
* The French, enemies of all that is good and just in this world, are considering having some of their charities join those of Hamas. Expect more attacks from Hamas in the future that involves smelly cheese.
* Hamas members don't like contact with pigs, so I think it would be funny to feed them to pigs like in the movie Hannibal.
* That was really gross when Hannibal had Ray Liotta eat his own brain.
* I've strayed off topic.
* We should trick Hamas members into eating their own brains.
* If you're in a cafe in Israel, and someone runs in there and indiscriminately starts shooting people, he could be a member of Hamas, so be careful.
* Hamas is a big part of the "cycle of violence". They blow up innocent men, women, and children, and then Israel is like, "Hey, don't do that." And thus the cycle of violence continues.
* The cycle of violence will continue until the Palestinians stop being such a bunch of numbnuts... or if Israel finally gets fed up and nukes them all.
* Even though members of Hamas are out gunned and out smarted by Israel, they think they can defeat Israel because Allah is on their side. Isn't that cute.
* Hamas members think they go the Heaven when they commit a suicide bombing where they get 72 virgins, but instead they go to hell where they get jabbed in the ass with a pitchfork ad infinitum.
* Actually, I'm Catholic; I think everyone is going to hell. Hey you, reading this: you're going to hell. Seriously.
* In a fight between Hamas and Aquaman, Aquaman would like totally kick their asses. His fish friends would be like, "Hey, let us have a piece of them!" but Aquaman would say, "No! They’re mine!" And then one Hamas member would be like, "Please, have mercy, Aquaman!" and Aquaman would be like, "No!" and punch the guy through the chest and rip out his heart. Aquaman is a badass!
* Hamas tends to yell and complain a lot when Israel targets and kills their leaders. Someone should tell them to stop being such a bunch of babies.
* Sometimes Hamas members blow themselves up in their own apartments when they try making bombs. That makes me giggle. Hee hee.
* My grandfather was a member of Hamas.
* No, wait, he was in the IRA. They just blew up the British people who deserved it because... ah, I don't actually know anything about that conflict. I think it involves the color orange.
* I've gone off topic again.
* Maybe Isarelis and Hamas could all get along if they just hugged.
* No! Don't hug the Hamas members; it's a trick! They're just going to blow up!
* You know, Hamas could just plant bombs without blowing themselves up... or at least that's what I'd do if I were a subhuman, murderous Jew-hater.
* Hamas won't rest until the Jews are pushed out into the sea. That will significantly improve the GDP of the sea.
* If you make a Mexican laugh, and he wants an encore, he'd say, "Ha! Mas!"
* I think that means I'm about out of fun facts.
* The best way to handle Hamas is to be really patient. I'm sure Arafat will deal with them... eventually. Oh, and monkeys might fly out of my butt.
July 07, 2004
In two days - Friday - is my second blogiversary and International Link to IMAO Day. If you have a blog, either pick a new post or an old favorite to link to. Heckle and deride all who don't link me... especially the Daily Kos!
I'll be in Sun Valley that day, so I don't how easy it will be for me to get internet access to post. If it takes me a while, don't freak out too much at the big surprise.
IMAO Flashback: Nine Dwarves Plus Two
Bsck in the innocent days of June 27th, 2003, I posted this interview with all the different Democrats vying for the presidency. Who knew then that Bush would be facing a French-looking man backed by a trial lawyer? I knew, but I didn't want to ruin the surprise.
The Howard Dean joke probably needs some explanation as this incident is probably forgotten. Dean's son had been arrested for robbing a country club, and then at a speech he said:
"It is a bit of a club down there. The Democratic Party, all the candidates from Washington, they all know each other, they all move in the same circles, and what I'm doing is breaking into the country club."
Later Dean said: "That was an incredibly unfortunate phrase. Why do I say these things?"
Anyway, since I now have some real interviews under Frank Discussions™, I want to clarify that all these interviews are fake... except for the Carol Moseley Braun one.
Frank Discussions: The Democratic Presidental Candidates
Sometimes you feel like a nut (Democrat primary), sometimes you don't (general election). So which Democrat candidate will be nutty enough to win the primary, gaining that hearts of the Democrat base of drooling idiots? And will he make himself too nutty to be viable in the general election?
To find these answers, I talked to the candidates themselves.
All interviews are now up. They are of John Kerry, Richard Gephardt, Joe Liberman, John Edwards, Howard Dean, Al Sharpton, Bob Graham, Dennis Kucinich, Carol Moseley Braun, Jojo the Monkey, and Hillary Rodham Clinton.
* * * *
Frank: Being a haughty, French-looking man from Massachusetts, what do you think makes you qualified to be president?
Kerry: Well, having served in Vietnam...
Frank: Everyone knows you served in Vietnam. You don't have to keep mentioning it.
Kerry: Sorry, but having served in Vietnam...
Frank: See, there you go again. Anyway, you said the president lied to you about the war, but you voted with him, which seems to mean you fell for it. Since so many people think President Bush is dumb, how dumb does that make you? Does that affect either your haughtiness or your French-lookingness?
Kerry: Well, serving in Vietnam...
Frank: Is this like a form of Tourette's syndrome?
Kerry: Vietnam! Me served in!
Frank: So, what is your military experience, if any?
Kerry: Uh... well... Bush's tax cuts were for the rich.
Frank: Nice talking to you... Hey! Your face is sagging!
Kerry: Ahh! Need more Botox!
* * * *
Frank: You seem to be a front-runner, having a nice mixture of liberal nuttiness with more mainstream views. But you're statement about striking down Supreme Court rulings with executive orders seemed almost too nutty. Are you sorry for it?
Gephardt: For now... but when I am president I will make an executive order erasing that I ever said that.
Frank: I don't think that's how they work...
Gephardt: You will think what my executive orders tell you to think!
Frank: Some may find it off-putting that you are this insane with power when it is only the primary.
Gephardt: People will love me as president! My executive orders will make sure of that!
Frank: Okay... anyway, more interviews to do...
Gephardt: Do not look at me like that! You do not want me as an enemy! My executive orders will get you!
* * * *
Frank: You are the least nutty and therefore most boring Democrat presidential candidate, what do you think are your chances in the primary where craziness counts?
[Ed. note: Unfortunately, I immediately fell asleep when he started talking, and was unable to record any of his responses]
* * * *
Frank: What makes you think you're qualified to be the president of the United States of America?
Edwards: I don't know. I'm just a regular guy, and people respond to that.
Frank: But regular guys don't talk to the dead or are trial lawyers?
Edwards: First of all, I don't talk to the dead; that's a different John Edwards. And I think my being a trial lawyer has helped me get in touch with the common man.
Frank: Is it true you sold your soul to the devil?
Edwards: Well, yes, but that's common for all trial lawyers, and I don't think it should be held against me.
Frank: Was part of your deal with Satan being able to speak to the dead?
Edward: You're not listening to me!
* * * *
Frank: Originally you were discredited as being too nutty, but now people think you are just nutty enough. But, if you win the primary, will you think you'll be able to make it through the general election?
Dean: Yes, because Bush was wrong on the war. The Iraqi people were better off with Saddam as their leader. Actually, he is a better leader than Bush. If he were to run for the president of the U.S., I would drop out of the election and support him.
Frank: Wow! That's pretty nutty, but I guess the wacko Democrats eat that up. What I want to ask you about now, though, was how your son was caught trying to strangle the pope? How do you feel about that?
Dean: That's a horrible incident, and he's sorry about it.
Frank: So, any other statement's you want the American people to hear?
Dean: Yes, I promise to fight hard and strangle the pope that is the current status quo.
Dean: Whoops! Why did I just say that! I'm stupid, idiotic, foolish, moronic, retarded, YEAGH!
Frank: Thanks for talking to me.
* * * *
Frank: Many people find you to be a more offensive but more entertaining version of Jesse Jackson,i.e., a racist idiot who is fun to watch. You're sort of like a Ku Klux Klan member who can juggle. So, as a racial demagogue black man, what do you think are your chances in the election?
Sharpton: Why do you call me a black man? Is it because I'm a black man?
Frank: Uh... yes.
Frank: Uh... you're the racist.
Sharpton: No. I know what racism is. I am great at spotting it and... Racism!
Frank: That's just a bird flying by the window.
Frank: That's just a wall outlet.
Frank: That's just a desk lamp.
Frank: That's the wall outlet again. So, do you really think you can win, or are you satisfied with just being a distraction?
Sharpton: I can win! Among the black vote, I'm the leader.
Frank: Yes, that's very sad.
* * * *
Frank: You don't really have much of chance, having entered so late, so let's keep this short. Hmm... you're a Senator from my state?
Graham: Yes, and...
Frank: So is your campaign going to distract you from getting our state its pork?
Graham: I won't be...
Frank: I want my pork!
Graham: Stop hitting me!
Frank: Not until I get my pork!
* * * *
Frank: You seem to be going full out nutty-liberal. Is that going to work?
Kucinich: I am the lizard king!
Frank: Nice hat, by the way.
Kucinich: It's so the Republicans won't read my brain. If I am president, I will ban orbital mind control.
Frank: Why in the world would anyone want to read the brain of a nut like you?
Kucinich: I know too much! Bush may not have found weapons of mass destruction, but I have! Poverty is a weapon of mass destruction! Homelessness is a weapon of mass destruction! Squirrels are a weapon of mass destruction!
Frank: You're scaring me.
Kucinich: Ahh! The hat isn't working! The Republicans are getting in my head!
* * * *
Carol Moseley Braun
Braun: I'm a candidate! Interview me!
Frank: Who are you?
Braun: Carol Moseley Braun.
Frank: Are you are sure you are running for president?
Braun: Yes, haven't you heard of me?
Frank: I think so... or maybe I'm thinking of Brawny paper towels.
Braun: There is a lot of racism in America, and I...
Frank: Don't tell me you are trying to split the racial demagogue vote with Sharpton; that's pretty pathetic.
Braun: I am a viable candidate and...
Frank: I have some errands to do. Have your people talk to mine. Bye.
* * * *
Jojo the Monkey
[Ed. note: Responses are from Jojo's sign language translator.]
Frank: Now, Jojo, you are very smart for a chimpanzee, having the intelligence equivalent to a human six-year-old. This places you at the same level of intelligence as much of the Democrat base. Do you think that's enough to make a connection with the voters for the primary?
Jojo: Jojo feels concern of common man. Jojo want help poor and middle class and not just rich like Bush. Bush bad man.
Frank: You try to make yourself out to be a moderate, but your voting record in the Massachusetts state senate is quite liberal by most accounts. How do you respond?
Jojo: Jojo want banana.
Frank: You're avoiding the question.
Jojo: Give Jojo banana or Jojo bite you.
Frank: No reason to give threats. I just want a response to... OW!
* * * *
Hillary Rodham Clinton
Frank: So what conditions are you waiting for to join the race for president?
Clinton: As I have said, I have no intentions to run at this time. I am just selling my book...
Frank: Yes, your book to take attention away from all the other Democrats.
Clinton: That was not the intention...
Frank: You either want the Democrat candidate to lose so you can run in 2008, or, if you see weakness in Bush, like a shark detecting blood in the water, you will suddenly jump into the race. Right?
Clinton: That is absurd.
Frank: Admit that's your plan!
Frank: Admit it!
Clinton: I will not admit my evil plans!
Frank: ADMIT THEM!
July 06, 2004
Our Military XXII: Greetings from Iraq on the 4th
My brother's best friend from college and the Marines and - as I can say from my own experience - just a plain 'ole great guy is currently serving in Iraq. He wrote this e-mail on the 4th July and I think it's really worth reading to put things into perspective:
To All My Family and Friends,
Late Night Shows Can't Stop Stealing From IMAO
From a reader Lou I heard that Jimmy Kimmel LIVE made a reference to how Jackass: The Move beat out Fahrenheit 9/11 but didn't credit me! I guess lowly Frank J. must sit here unnoticed while everyone else profits off his humor.
I'll get them all one day...
Frank on Kerry's VP Pick
Man, I was hoping he would have shaken things up and picked Hillary or Satan himself. Instead, Kerry just picked one of his servants - a trial lawyer. I can see all the other trial lawyers flicking their forked tongues in glee at the thought of having one of their own in high office.
There is good news though: I got a Ruger Vaquero. Bang! Bang!
UPDATE: Wait! Where was Edwards during Vietnam?
UPDATE 2: If he's such a rich trial lawyer, why does he dress his wife in a blanket?
IMAO Flashbacks: Enter the Chomps
"In My World: Black Project Insano" was the first multipart In My World™, three parts posted in 2003 on May 28th, June 2nd, and June 4th (my birthday!). Multi-part posts happen when I get lazy and don't feel like finishing the whole damn things in one sitting (orignally it was going to be one post, then I was going to finish it up in two, and then it became the final three). The name Black Project Insano, comes from a friend of mine who writes wacky internet comics.
This series is also notable for the introduction of Chomps, the world's angriest dog. He was made for a throwaway gag in the second part, but, he was so much fun writing for, I brought him back in the very end and teamed him with Rumsfeld. The Chomps t-shirt is still in the designing phase, for those curious.
Chomps was based on an actual dog who chased me once when I went door to door for Cub Scouts collecting cans for charity. I tried to stop the dog by throwing cans at him, but he caught them in his mouth and ripped them to shreds. Eventually, I sought refuge by climbing up a tree, but the dog then gnawed at the tree trunk, trying to cut the whole tree down. He almost succeeded, but then a hippy walked by and the dog immediately attacked, ripping the man to shreds. I used the distraction to flee, and the incident has scarred my psyche ever since. Actually, everytime I write about Chomps, I feel my sanity slowly slipping...
Anyhoo, here is the special directors cuts of Black Project Insano, all three parts united for the first time. Enjoy!
* * * *
In My World: Black Project Insano
Jacques Chirac sat in his office contemplating how superior he was to all other foreign leaders, when suddenly the phone rang. "Hello?"
"Hey... uh... this is Pierre. You know... Pierre."
"Oh, hello, Pierre. How are you?"
"You're not sounding very French today."
"I have a cold. Anyway, I was looking for Chezz. Do you know him?"
"No, I don't think so."
"Well, he should be with two other people somewhere near your office. The other two are Sue and Norm. If you could get them for me, I'd appreciate it."
"Certainly. Just to be clear, though, what are their last names?"
"Well, Chezz's last name is Eaton. Sue's last name is... uh... I can't remember. But I know, Norm's; it's Unkies."
"Yeah, I don't what nationality that name is."
"Well, I'll go see if I can find them."
"Thanks Jacque-strap; you're a real help."
Chirac took his cordless phone with him as he headed out into the main lobby. "Are you Chezz Eaton, Sue, and Norm Unkies?" he asked the first group he saw. He then shouted out, "Are there Chezz Eaton, Sue, and Norm Unkies here? Someone check the nearby military base for Chezz Eaton, Sue, and Norm Unkies!"
Everyone started laughing.
"Oh, it's you again!" Chirac said angrily into the phone, "When I find out who this is, I'll impotently demand to you to stop!"
The only response was more laughter.
* * * *
"Oh, that was classic," Bush chuckled as he hung up the phone. "Aren't you going to miss this when you leave, Ari?"
"Hey, man, I told you; I have to follow my heart," Ari Fleischer replied, "I just know my band 'American Hellbender' is going to take off big with its mix of reggae, techno, and country done to a new age beat."
"Can we get to the business at hand?" Condoleezza Rice demanded angrily, "There are lots of evil nations out there, and they aren't going to bomb themselves! Well, maybe North Korea is crazy enough to do that... but we can't count on it!"
"Fine. So who should we attack next, Rumsfeld?"
"See this map here?" Rumsfeld said, walking up to a large map on the wall. Suddenly he shouted "Rarr!" and started ripping away the map until finally nothing was left except for the U.S. He then stuffed the pieces of the map into a wastebasket and set them on fire.
"As your Secretary of State," Colin Powell stated, "I'd like to point out that there might be some disadvantages to destroying all other countries."
"You weak willed liberal!" Rumsfeld screamed, "You're on the terrorist's side!" He then tried to lunge at Powell who ran out of the room while Rice and Ari tried to hold Rumsfeld back. Rumsfeld eventually calmed down and returned to his seat.
"So, have any smaller plans for who we fight next?" Bush asked.
"I do," Rice replied, "Ever heard of the small island country of Lintuvia?"
"No," Bush answered, "but yesterday was the first time I heard of Brazil."
"Well it's a small, isolated island dictatorship in the Indian Ocean," Rice continued, "and an easy target."
"What have they done to us?"
"What have they done for us?" Rice responded, "Anyway, it's great testing ground for our new military weapon: Black Project Insano!"
"Wow! That sounds cool!" Bush exclaimed, "What is it?"
"Well, I don't really know..." Rice admitted, "I just know it's our greatest project ever... but the exact details are beyond my security clearance."
"What about mine? I'm the president."
"Even beyond yours," Rice told him.
"What about you, Rumsfeld?"
"I just don't give a rat's ass."
"So who does know?" Bush asked.
"That's also classified beyond our level," Rice said.
"Wait," Bush suddenly exclaimed, "I think I do know who knows."
"Yes, you were fooled into knowing who knows," Rice explained, "That's part of Black Project Insano."
"Am I supposed to know that I was fooled?"
"Yes, you have the clearance to know that the one you think you know who knows, doesn't actually know. That was a bit of an oversight."
"So who actually knows who knows what Black Project Insano is?"
"That is also too classified."
"So who knows who knows who knows what Black Projext Insano is?"
"Ah, so we have to find Dick."
"This is idiotic," Rumsfeld commented, "Can't we just bomb countries and shoot people as normal?"
"Do not underestimate the power of Black Project Insano!" Rice shot back, "First we test it on Lintuvia, and then the world will be mine!" She started laughing evilly, but then noticed everyone staring at her. "Uh... I mean the world will be at peace and run by the U.S."
"I'm going to look for Dick Cheney," Bush said. He then went to the door of the conference room and shouted out, "Laura! Is Dick in one of the cupboards in the kitchen?"
"Honey, I can't always be finding Cheney for you," Laura answered.
"Did you forget where you undisclosed him again?" Rice asked angrily.
"Remember, he was with us at the mall this afternoon," Ari said.
"Oh, then we just have to wait for him to drive back," Bush answered.
"But, dude, we drove him."
"Oh man!" Bush exclaimed, "I stranded Dick at the mall again. He's going to be all angry and having heart attacks."
"We'll send someone to get him," Rice stated, "Now we need to send a Special Forces group to clear Lintuvia of any resistance."
"I know who you should send," Rumsfeld said.
"Who?" Bush asked.
"Buck... the Marine!"
* * * *
"Hello, Buck here - Buck the Marine that is... This is the president? President of what? ...The United State of America! That's the best thing to be president of. So what can I do for you, sir? ...You want me to do a mission in Lintuvia? Are their for'ners there? ...Then they're dead! Now I just need you to give me some supplies... What do you mean I have to buy my own bullets? ...You can't afford bullets for me so you could have a tax cut for the rich! That doesn't seem right... Well, yes, I guess rich people do deserve the money they earn, and that they do contribute a lot to society through investments and creating new jobs... and it was selfish of me to think of myself when they were being overtaxed... Yes, I'll do that. I'll write and apology to the local Millionaire's club before I head out... Yes, that to, I'll be more happy for what I have: my free room and board and my fifty dollars a month salary... What do you mean you want me to pay rent now! How much tax cuts do rich people need? ...That makes me so mad I could kill people! ...Yes, I guess that is good timing. I'll get ready for the mission."
* * * *
"Funny I have to leave now," Ari said at the press conferences, "just as I've finally figured out how to handle Helen Thomas." He took out a laser pointer. "Get the red dot, Helen! Get it!"
Helen chased the laser point. "That red dot is mine!" She eventually followed it until it made her jump out the window.
"So, any questions?" Ari said as he put away the laser pointer.
"Could the fight in Iraq eventually be over-shadowed by stacking prisoners in naked pryamids?"
"That's so crazy I won't dignify that with a response," Ari replied, "Any other questions?"
"What this we hear about 'Black Project Insano'?"
Ari fiercely grabbed the reporter. "WHO TOLD YOU?" Ari screamed at the top of his lungs. He then noticed everyone was looking at him with fright. He gently set the reporter back down and patted him on the shoulder. "I mean, what a ridiculous thing. I've never heard of any... whatever it was you just said. That's just some crazy fiction you probably read about in the Weekly World News or the New York Times."
"I have a question," said the Fox News reporter. "Iran is reportedly harboring al Qaeda terrorists, so why haven't we marched in there and hung those supposedly responsible by their own entrails? Is it because the Bush administration sympathizes with terrorists, or is it because you're all a bunch of pussies?"
"Well... uh... the diplomatic way to do this..."
"And my follow up question," she continued, "Is whether you think it's apt to describe your departure from the Bush administration by using the analogy of rats fleeing a sinking ship... with one of those rats being grotesque and balding."
"Now you're just being mean," Ari said angrily, "and... and... are you wearing a bikini?"
"Producer's idea; these press conferences don't get very good ratings." She then listened to something coming in from her earpiece. "No I'm not going to jump up and down when I ask questions!"
"You know, at CNN we have higher journalistic integrity," proudly said a CNN reporter.
"You're only talking to me like that because you know I don't have anywhere to conceal a gun!" the Fox News reporter shot back angrily. "We're the number one news channel for a reason." She then listened to a new message coming from her earpiece. "No I won't take my top off!"
A Secret Service agent walked up to Ari. "It's time."
"Uh, I'm going to go hide out in a five mile deep underground shelter for no particular reason," Ari announced, "So this press conference is over."
"Maybe I'll mud wrestle another reporter," the Fox News reporter said as she listened to her earpiece, "But we have to renegotiate my contract first."
* * * *
"Buck the Marine here. Can anyone hear me?"
"I hear ya, Buck. This is the president of the United States, George Dubya, but, as long as we're using the radio, refer to me by my CB handle: Porn Star."
"Okay, Porn Star. I have set up base camp in Lintuvia."
"Did you experience much resistance?"
"Well, when I first arrived, the Lintuvians said, 'What are you doing here, for'ner.' And then I said, 'I'm not a for'ner. You're the for'ners, for'ners.' You get that? The stupid for'ners didn't even know they were foreign. Anyway, they're dead now."
"Good job, Buck. Be careful of those Lintuvians; they're extremists."
"Maybe, I'm not really sure. They may actually be extremists against people with religion, or maybe they just like extreme sports. But we are certain they are extremists and you need to be careful."
"I can tell you they ain't Christian extremists; Christians shoot straighter."
"So what is your condition right now?"
"Well, I set down to make base camp, so I opened my cooler I brought and took out a good ‘ole American beer. Then snipers started shooting at me, so I then I shot back at them, rifle in my right hand while I continued to drink the beer in my left hand. Then I remembered I had to radio you guys, which meant I had to put down either the rifle or the beer. I think I made the right choice." Buck paused to take a sip of beer.
"Sounds like you got a handle on things. Soon people will be there to implement Black Project Insano. Whatever you do, do not look at what they have, as you do not have the proper clearance."
"To clarify, Porn Star, what am I supposed to not be looking at?"
"Uh... I'm not really sure. But, if you see something that you think you shouldn't be seeing, stop seeing. Is that clear?"
Buck took another sip of beer.
"Good luck, Buck. We're counting on you. Porn Star is over and out."
A sniper shot hit near Buck, so he put down the radio and picked back up his M-16 and fired back while finishing off his beer. That seemed to be the last of them; no more for'ners left to shoot. Suddenly Buck noticed a number of men in black suits and sunglasses approaching him.
"Are you for'ners?" Buck asked suspiciously.
"That's classified," answered one of the men.
"Hey, that thing you guys are carrying has some rust on it," Buck pointed out.
"He's seen too much!" one of the men said to another.
"What I do now?" Buck asked, confused.
"Put him the target radius," one of the men in black said as they operated the device.
"Hey, that don't sound like a good thing..." Buck started to say, but then saw a bright light followed by nothingness.
* * * *
"Wow, I've never seen this room before!" Bush exclaimed as he explored the underground war room. "What do these buttons do," he asked as he reached for a control panel.
Condoleezza Rice slapped his hand. "That's why I haven't let you down here. Now go sit at the conference table."
"Hey, I'm the president," Bush said meekly, "I tell you what to do..."
"QUIET!" Rice screamed.
Bush took a seat at the conference table along with Donald Rumsfeld, Colin Powell, and Ari Fleischer who was busy playing at a computer in front of him. "They let you down here, Colin?" Bush asked with surprise.
"He knows how to behave," Rice said.
"As long as I don't speak, they don't hurt me," Powell explained.
"I'll strangle you for speaking!" Rumsfeld shouted.
"There is no time for strangling," Rice said, sitting at the head of the table, "It is time to discuss Black Project Insano."
"First off, though," Bush interrupted, "Who is that mysterious looking guy standing in the shadows smoking a cigarette?"
"Ignore him," Condoleezza answered.
"But he's creeping me out."
"Then he is doing is job," Rice said irately, "As I was saying, more details of Black Project Insano are becoming known. Bush, remember when the aliens visited at the beginning of your term?"
"Sure do. The decided that since we no longer had a lecherous hillbilly as our leader, we were now ready to meet with them. They said they would share technology that would end disease, famine, and ketchup stains. Then Rumsfeld strangled them all because they looked funny."
"And I'd do it again," Rumsfeld vowed.
"Well, the secret hidden government within the U.S. government took possession of the alien technology," Rice explained, "And then began reverse engineering it to see if it could be used for evil instead of good. Thus was born Black Project Insano, and we finally have seen its results in Lintuvia."
On a giant screen appeared an image of the island country of Lintuvia. A bright light was seen, and then most of the country disappeared.
"What happened?" Bush asked.
"Apparently we ripped apart the very fabric of time and space itself," Rice said with glee, "and transported the Lintuvians into an alternate dimension!"
"What about Buck?" Rumsfeld asked.
"He saw too much, and was transported as well," Rice said dismissively.
"But he was my favorite drinking buddy!"
"You fool!" Rice exclaimed, "Do you not realize how much more important this is than one silly Marine? We now control the fabric of the universe. We'll be able to instantly transport anywhere in the world for a surprise attack, and escape just as easily. We can also disappear entire cities, such as transporting the entire population of Paris into an alternate dimension where they will be eaten by the Velociwargs and the Jangowizers."
"What's a Velociwarg and a Jangowizer?" Bush asked.
"Those are the names I will give to the first two creatures that eat French people," Rice answered. "Now, not only will we be able to conquer this world, but we'll be able to travel to other worlds as well, conquering and uniting an uncountable number of planets into one nation ruled by one person alone." Rice rose to her feet. "Empress Condoleezza! All shall love me and despair!" She then paused for a second. "I mean, all worlds will be united under the protection of the U.S.A.," she said meekly, sitting back down.
"I have just one question," Bush said, eyeing Rice with suspicion, "What about back in the fifties when everyone smoked? How would you be a mysterious guy who stood in the shadows? Would you not smoke a cigarette and be known as the 'Non-Smoking Man'?"
Rice shook her head with exasperation. "Why did I even involve you with this? This is all-important, highly classified material that must never leave this room. If even..."
"Sorry to interrupt," Laura Bush said, walking into the war room, "but I need to get the laundry."
"How did you get in here?" Rice demanded angrily, "You're not allowed through security!"
"Poppycock," Laura answered, "I always come down here to do the laundry." She opened a machine at the other end of the room and started pulling out pieces of clothing.
"Those aren't washing machines, you fool!" Rice screamed, "Those are matter destabilizers!"
"And they sure get the stains out," Laura commented.
"That's it!" Rice exclaimed, "Cyborg ninja monkey zombies, stop her! Yes... that's right, go towards her... now KILL! KILL! No... no... DON'T HELP HER FOLD!"
"I never heard anything about cyborg ninja monkey zombies," Bush said.
"It was a line item in the last budget I gave you," Rice said innocently.
"I've got my laundry, so I'm heading out," Laura announced, "The cookies I'm baking should be done soon; who wants some?"
"I do!" said the Cigarette Smoking Man.
"You're not supposed to talk!" Rice exclaimed, "You're supposed to be mysterious!"
"But I want a cookie."
"Fools!" Rice screamed, "I'm surround by fools!"
"I know who is not getting a cookie," Laura said, giving a sharp glance to Rice before leaving the war room.
"This is so much crap," Rumsfeld finally commented, "All this interdimensional gobbledygook and whatnot is a fools game. Give me a good old fashioned war with shooting and stabbing."
"I wholeheartedly agree," Powell commented.
"You're not supposed to speak!" Rumsfeld shouted, "Rarr!"
Rice finally noticed Ari working busily at a computer. "What are you doing?"
"I always get bored by meetings," Ari said, "So I decided to play some space invaders."
"That's not a videogame!" Rice shouted. She then looked at his screen. "You've destroyed most of Luxemburg!"
"So you have to go talk to the press and explain this," Rice told him.
"Yeah, stupid," Bush chided him.
"Whatever," Ari answered.
"And make sure they know nothing about our plotting!" Rice commanded him.
"Okey-dokey," Ari said as he left the room.
"Oh man; I'm outta smokes!" the Cigarette Smoking Man exclaimed, "Can I bum one off someone?"
* * * *
"I see they let you wear clothes today," said the CNN reporter snidely.
"The producers and I came to an understanding," the Fox News reporter answered, fixing her blouse.
"If that skirt were any shorter, it would just be a frilly belt," the CNN reporter laughed.
"Oh, that's witty; you should share that with your viewer," the Fox News reporter shot back.
"People, can I have your attention," Ari Fleischer announced, "As you know, I am going to be leaving my post as White House Press Secretary soon, so I have two people here who will be trying out as my replacement."
"Yes, according to your press release, one had his former job as guard of a junkyard and has been diagnosed with a severe anti-social personality disorder," pointed out one reporter.
"Yes," Ari answered, "You're referring to Chomps, rated by the Guinness Book of World Records as the world's angriest dog."
The rottweiler Chomps simmered in its irrational fury, looking ready to explode at any moment into an orgy of violence.
"And you describe the other candidate as quote 'A fat load of s**t who makes sham documentaries and, as hard as it is to believe, is actually uglier on the inside than on the outside."
"You're talking about Michael Moore," Ari said, pointing to Michael Moore himself who stood near Chomps.
"And I'm going to tell the truth about the fiction that is the Bush administration," Moore blurted, "I'm going to... AHH!!! GET HIM OFF ME!!!"
Chomps attacked Michael Moore as if the devil himself was in him.
"AHH! THE PAIN!!!"
"Well, it's going to take Chomps a while to chew through that many layers of fat, so let's go on to questions," Ari said in a bored tone.
"OH!!! WHY WON'T HE STOP!!!"
"Did you just set this up so that Michael Moore could be attacked by the world's angriest dog?" asked a reporter suspiciously.
"Please stick to policy questions."
"I think... he stopped... AHH!!! HE GOT HIS SECOND WIND!!!"
"Michael Moore, what do you say to people who feel you deserve to be chewed on by the world's angriest dog?" the Fox News reporter asked Moore.
"PLEASE!!! SOMEONE HELP ME!!! DON'T JUST STAND THERE FILMING THIS!!!"
"Hey, questions go over here," Ari said angrily.
"Do you have any explanation for the sudden cruise missile attack on Luxemburg?"
"No. Not really."
The reporter thought about that for a moment. "Thank you for your candidness."
"Do you think people may tire of the war in Iraq and threaten to elect a French-looking man with Botox in his face?" asked another reporter.
"What do you guys huff before you come here?" Ari said in exasperation. "The answer is no, that's crazy. Next question."
"What do you say to reports that you've sent a Marine to the small island country of Lintuvia in preparation for an experimental use of alien technology?"
Ari laughed unconvincingly for nearly a minute straight. "That... that is the craziest thing I've ever heard. Who, by the way, told you such a crazy thing, because I would like to meet that person and say, 'Hey, you're one silly person.'"
"Well, I can't reveal my sources," the reporter answered.
"Even at threat of death?"
Two large men in black suits approached the reporter from both side. "Well... uh..."
Suddenly there was a blinding flash of light. When it faded away, there was a ghostly image of a demonic face floating above Ari. "I am Lipitor!," it said in an earth-shaking voice, "Tyrant king of the multi-verse! You have disturbed my dimension, and now you will all pay dearly. I will destroy your world, and make you all my slaves! There is nothing you can do to stop me! Muh ha ha ha ha!" The image then faded away.
"Dammit," Ari sighed, "You just know that right before I retire there is going to be an inter-dimensional incident."
"Will this conflict with Lipitor distract from Bush’s war on terror?" asked one reporter.
"Has France the technology to appease evil dictators in alternate dimensions?" inquired another.
"Why haven't we collapsed threatening dimensions into a singularity?" demanded the Fox News reporter, "Is it because we lack the technology, or is it because the Bush administration is a bunch of momma's boys?"
"Where are my pills?" asked Helen Thomas.
"Everyone let's calm down for a second," Ari told them, "before we get on to answering more questions, let's first have a break for refreshments. Right now, a couple of men are handing out a cherry flavored beverages that may or may not erase your memories."
"Can I have one to forget this pain?" Moore asked meekly. "AHH! HOW LONG CAN HE KEEP BITING MY GROIN!!!"
"No, you can't have any," Ari answered.
"Mine has more of a raspberry taste," said one reporter.
"Just drink it!"
* * * *
"This is Buck the Marine," Buck said into his voice recorder, "That date is... Tuesday? I think Tuesday. The time is..." He looked at his wrist. "I cannot tell the time from the hairs on the back of my hand. Apparently I forgot my watch. Anyway, I have found myself on an alien landscape." He looked about him at the purple sky and yellow, rocky ground. Ominous mountains loomed in the distance, and strange creatures flew overhead. "Note to self: no longer accept missions where the objective is more complicated than 'Kill the foreign people.'"
"So what are rules for engagement on an alien land," Buck thought to himself as he put away his voice recorder. He then took out his USMC Rules of Engagement Manual. "'Rule one'," he read aloud, "'Kill for'ners.' Hmm... I already knew that one. What about aliens." He flipped through the small manual. "Here we go: 'When on an alien world, be extra careful. You cannot know how creatures may react, so it is best to try and avoid them. Only attack a creature if it appears it is about to attack you or if it is just really really freaky looking.’"
Buck looked around. Overhead flew a creature resembling a manta ray. "That's not attacking me," he mused aloud, "and it's only somewhat freaky looking, so I'll let it live."
A large lizard like creature charged Buck, mouth agape of sharp teeth. "Now that's just mildly freaking looking, but it appears to be attacking me... so it dies." Buck fired his M-16 at it, dropping it dead.
Near him he saw a giant animal, it's body like that of a brontosaurus, but it's head like that of toucan. "Now that is pretty damn freaky looking, but honestly not really really freaking looking, so I'll let it live."
Below him he saw a bug with three heads, each one with snapping pinchers. It also had bat like wing and the tail of a mouse. "Now, that is not attacking me, but it is really really freaking looking." He crushed it with his rifle butt. "Now it's dead. Ooh-rah!"
"Greeting, outworlder," said some voice from behind Buck.
He turned to see three humanoid aliens, each with pale skin and large black eyes. "Greetings, alien creatures," Buck responded, "I am Buck the Marine from the planet America. I come in peace, but, as you see, I am well armed in case non-peace breaks out. In summary, I will talk to you, but, if you make any sudden movements, I'll kill you all."
"We understand your terms, outworlder," answered one of the aliens, "We have come to warn you of a threat to your world."
"A threat to my world!" Buck exclaimed, "That's bad!"
"Yes it is," the alien continued, "The evil tyrant Lipitor wishes to destroy your world and put you all in slavery. It is up to you to stop him."
"Just tell 'ole Buck what to do."
"You must travel the trail of despair to Lipitor's citadel which rest on the edges of many dimensions. Inside you will find his transdimensional oscillator, and through it's deactivation will Lipitor become vulnerable to the plasmic discharges within his inner sanctum. When he is weakened, then you can destroy his stronghold by overloading its stabilizers with positronic energy. Finally, you must then escape to your dimension through a dimensional portal of your proper dimensional frequency."
Buck considered this for a moment and then took a sip of beer. "Why don't you break that down into pointing me in which direction I should walk and describing what thing I'm supposed to kill."
"You must head that way," one of the aliens said, pointing to a dark fortress in the distance, "Your enemy, Lipitor, is a transdimensional being, both massive and small, both there and not there. He is known by his presence, which disturbs the air with a..."
"On second thought," Buck interrupted, "Why don't you just draw me a picture."
* * * *
"Until this whole interdimensional mess is taken care of, you better lay low in your new undisclosed location," President Bush told Dick Cheney through their satellite uplink.
"It's not an undisclosed location!" Cheney said angrily, "You just stranded me on the median of some highway."
"Yeah, but do you know which highway?" Bush pointed out.
"No, I can't tell from here, but everyone driving by gawking at me probably knows."
"Well, stop looking so conspicuous. Dig a hole or something."
"But I'm in a three piece suit... and it's hot out!" Cheney yelled. "Ah! And someone just threw a beer bottle at me. And now I'm tasting copper..."
Bush cut the link. "Whine, whine, whine."
"Honey, I have an article in this month's issue of Today's First Lady," Laura Bush said, entering the office and placing a magazine on Bush desk.
Bush grimaced. "This isn't another article about drapes, is it?"
"No, just read it."
Bush picked up the magazine. "'Signs a coworker may be a supervillian,'" Bush read aloud, "'Sometimes a close associate may be plotting world conquest and you may not even notice. Here are some signs to look for:
"'1. Maniacal Laughter.'" Bush looked to Laura, "So what is that exactly?"
"Well, if someone, instead of laughing at other people’s jokes, laughs after bold statements of power or evil," Laura explained.
"Kinda like how Condi tends to laugh when she explains the destructive power of a new weapon," Bush said.
"Yeah, that might be an example," Laura answered innocently.
"So what's next?" Bush looked at the article again. "2. Lives at odd, isolated location." He turned to Laura. "Speaking of odd, you should see Condi's place. I went to the address, and there was a hollowed out volcano. When I tried to find to entrance, I was attacked by ninjas."
"Look at item three," Laura pointed out.
"3. Is protected by hired thugs or ninjas." Bush thought for a moment. "Wait! I know what this is about! You're trying to convince me that Condi is a supervillian!"
"I don't trust that woman, George," Laura said sternly, "Last time Barbara and Jenna visited, I swear I saw her trying to hire them to be twin assassins."
Bush chuckled. "That' silly; you want identical twins for that."
"I think you need to stop that Black Project Insano," Laura told him, "I think it's giving Dr. Rice too much opportunity for evil and world conquest."
"What? How do you know about that secret project?" Bush exclaimed.
"You're always leaving your papers scattered everywhere making me clean up after you," Laura chided him, "I bought you folders - even labeled them for you - but still it's paper lying everywhere."
"I'll try to be more organized in the future," Bush moaned.
"That's not what this is about," Laura said sternly, "You need to pull the plug on that project and stop Dr. Rice from taking over this world and countless others... or before she gets us destroyed by some evil alien warlord."
"But... but if I make her mad, she may feed me to a Krackeldozer," Bush said timidly.
"What's a Krackeldozer?"
"That the name she said she's going to give to the alien creature she'll feed me to if I bother her while she's plotting."
"It doesn't matter, George, you're the President of the United States, and you have to stand up to her," Laura told him firmly, "Didn't the American people elect a president with character who will stand up for what he believes?"
"I have plenty of character," Bush insisted, "Why compared to the last president..."
"Oh, George," Laura interrupted angrily, "Why don't you just say you're a champion runner by comparing yourself to a man without legs. Now you better go talk to Dr. Rice or your going to be spending a lot of time sleeping on the couch like that 'last president' you love to bring up."
Laura then left the room leaving Bush to think by himself. "Aw, dang it," Bush grumbled, "Better at least make sure my will is in order first."
* * * *
Laughter echoed throughout the room. "You're a clever adversary, Buck," the disembodied voice of Lipitor said, "You've broken into my fortress. Still, if you had any real intelligence, a mortal such as you would never dare to contend with a god such as me. Now that you are in my lair, you will find yourself in situations that will challenge your very understanding of physics itself."
"My understanding of what now?" Buck asked, taking another sip of beer.
"Do not mock me, Buck," Lipitor said angrily, "I will rip you apart, scattering your pieces among countless universes."
Buck stared a while at his can of beer, and then looked quite displeased.
"Is that fear I see, Buck?"
"That was my last beer." He tossed it away, and then saw it torn asunder by an unseen force. Buck looked about him with some confusion. There were glowing portals among doors and windows floating in nothingness. At times the room appeared quite small, and then he looked at if from another angle and it appeared infinitely huge. He really wanted another beer.
"Better go to my all purpose plan B," Buck announced, "Throw grenades everywhere and see what blows up."
* * * *
Bush knocked on the door of Condoleezza Rice's office. "Can we talk for a moment?"
"I'm busy with military matters," Rice answered with annoyance, "Why don't you go watch your A-team reruns."
"Uh... we really need to talk now."
"You're starting to bother me," Rice said, a bit of menace in her voice.
Bush took a deep breath, then barged right into her office. Rice stared at him angrily as a map of the world with attack plans sat on her desk. Bush then glanced behind him to see the mysterious Cookie Eating Man standing in the shadows. "Uh... I had a whole speech prepared about how we shouldn't fool around with the fabric of time and space," Bush said nervously, "but I was distracted by a squirrel on the way here and forgot it all. So I'll just cut to the chase: I'm going to shut down Black Project Insano."
"Why? Don't you see the power it gives us?"
"Well, that whole thing with that alien warlord appearing and threatening us..."
"Bah, Lipitor is a fool," Rice said dismissively, "I'll find a way to defeat him." She rose to her feet. "Then the multi-verse will be MINE!"
"See, there's the other thing," Bush said, "I think you're becoming too drunken with power and are not pursuing all this for the interests of the American people."
Rice laughed unconvincingly as she sat back down. "That's ridiculous."
"Well, my decision is final," Bush said, trying to look resolute, "Black Project Insano will be shut down."
Rice laughed again, this time more insidiously. "You don't even know which phony orphanage it’s funded through to be able to shut it down."
"Well... well I'll... I'll defund all orphanages then, smartypants."
Rice shot to her feet again. "You can't do that!"
"Yes I can," Bush said firmly, "because I'm the President of the United States, the leader of the free world, and I can do anything."
"You fool! I'll destroy you!"
"Oh, and come to think of it," Bush added, "I'm taking your Snoopy mug as well." Bush snatched the mug from her desk.
"But... but... that my Snoopy mug! You can't just take it!"
"Yes I can," Bush asserted, "because I'm the President of the United States, and I can do whatever I want. Good day, Dr. Rice." He then headed out of the office.
"Bring back Snoopy!" Rice shouted. She then became intensely angry. "You'll rue the day you ever heard the name Condoleezza!”
"Can I go now?" asked the Cookie Eating Man.
"Yes, you're getting crumbs everywhere."
* * * *
The fortress crumbled, as the demonic Lipitor stood there surrounded in flames. "I guess I underestimated you, Buck. First you broke into my fortress, solved the puzzles of the room of eternity, snuck into the kitchen and ate my lunch, and finally destroyed the stabilizers that kept my fortress existing between the universes."
"Yep, don't mess with a United States Marine," Buck answered, finishing off his four dimensional sandwich.
"But the last laugh will be mine!" shouted Lipitor, "When my fortress is gone, you will be trapped with me forever in the void between dimensions. Muh ha ha ha!"
"You must flee to the portal to your world," came a voice in Buck's head.
"Is that Jesus?"
"No, it's one of us aliens talking to you telepathically."
"Doing what now?"
"Talking through your mind," the alien said with annoyance, "Now go through the interdimensional portal to your homeworld."
"Uh... and what's that exactly?"
"Go into the bright light to your right!"
"Okay, okay. You don't have to telo-mathematically yell," Buck said, heading from the crumbling fortress.
"You're other right!" the voice shouted.
"Oh, whoops." Buck jumped into the glowing portal.
"I will have my revenge!" he heard Lipitor shout, just before the world around Buck disappeared.
* * * *
"Seventeen. Eighteen. Nineteen." Rumsfeld cocked his hand back really far for the last punch. "And twenty!" He dropped the reporter to the ground. "I hoped that answered your question about whether the war in Iraq was started for false pretenses. If you didn't understand the answer, I could repeat."
The reporter just moaned in response.
Suddenly a bright light appeared in the air, and out from it fell Buck the Marine.
"Buck, you're back!" Rumsfeld exclaimed, "What happened?"
"Well, I was transported to an alien world where I killed me some freaky aliens, and then I went to fortress of this evil warlord Lipitor who wanted to conquer earth. I destroyed his fortress, casting him forever into the void, escaped back to my dimension, and then, having preserved American values and apple pie from the cold grip of alien forces, I shouted, 'Ooh-rah.'" Buck thought for a moment. "No, wait; I hadn't done that last part yet." He held is rifle over his head. "OOH-RAH!"
"Good job, Buck," Rumsfeld said, "and you’re back just in time for happy hour. Not let's go get hammered and pick some country to invade through conventional mean, forgetting forever this interdimensional crap."
"But we have more questions!" whined one of the reporters.
"Buck, fire your rifle into the air," Rumsfeld suggested, "That should scatter them."
Buck fired a three-round burst into the air, and the reporters fled in terror except for one woman who held her ground. "Who's that?" Buck asked.
"That's the Fox News reporter," Rumsfeld explained, "She's a little harder to scare away." Rumsfeld then clapped his hand loudly in front of her face. "Now shoo! Scram!"
"But I have more questions about whom America will destroy next with its righteous power," she asserted.
"Hey, that's a nice dog you have with you," Buck commented.
"Oh, that's Chomps," she said, "He's been following me around since the last press conference. Problem is, I have too busy a schedule to take care of a dog."
"Well, I could see why he would want to follow around a pretty lady such as yourself," Buck said a bit shyly.
"That's so sweet," the Fox News reporter replied, blushing.
"Maybe we could go get some coffee and I can tell you all about how I saved the world," Buck suggested.
"I think I'd like that."
The two of them then walked off.
"What about alcohol!" Rumsfeld called out. He then looked to the dog. "I guess it's just me and you, Chomps. Know what? I'm suddenly feeling angry for no particular reason. What about you?"
"Erg-err!" Chomps growled angrily, and then ripped a metal folding chair apart with his teeth.
"I guess you and me are a lot alike," Rumsfeld said, walking to the exit. Outside he saw a bunch of hippy protestors with anti-war signs. "Well, look-ee here. Maybe we should match their right to free speech with our initiative to kick ass."
"Rah-grr!" Chomps said, not liking the sight of hippies.
"Hey, dog, no blood for oil!" one hippy yelled at Chomps.
Chomps's whole body started shaking with anger. Rumsfeld was almost frightened the dog was going to explode. Suddenly, with a loud yell, Chomps jumped into the crowd of hippies, flying forward with his mouth wide open ready to bite.
"That's a good dog," Rumsfeld said with a smile, and then ran into the fray. "Rarr!"
July 05, 2004
Chill'n Out Max and Relax'n All Cool...
Know what's a fun things to do? Just before the plane touches ground while landing, stand up and shout at the top of your lungs, "We're coming in too fast!!!" What are they going to do? Eject you from the plane? You're already there.
Of course, I'm running out of airlines that will let me fly them.
It so cool to finally see mountains after being in flat, flat Florida all the time. Also, my dad got two .45's - a Colt Mark IV Series 80 and a Springfield Stainless Steel Mil-Spec. I'm taking the Colt home with me, and, if my mom asks, my dad has had the Springfield since he was a baby. Anyway, everything was closed on the Fourth, so we went out into the desert for plinking. Nothing is cooler than firing dual .45's while smoking a stogie. Can't hit s**t firing like that, yet, but it's still fun.
Well, spent the night drinking beer with my brother and friends and setting off those crappy legal fireworks. Ooh! They shoot sparks and whistle. Need more beer to make those entertaining.
Well, hope everyone is having or had a great Independence Day weekend. I'm putting up a new old post tomorrow. See you then.
July 4th, 1776
Since today is the observed holiday for Independence Day (i.e., the one lots of get off from work), I have a special post today. Ends up, I just got my hands on a tape recorder of when the Declaration of Independence was signed, and I've transcribed what was said so we can hear the founding fathers in their own words:
JEFFERSON: So we have like a declaration of independence now.
Thanks to all those who fought and still fight for our liberty, and especially to those who took the risk in starting this country in the first place. It's from their courage and conviction that I'm able to say with certainty that no one kicks ass like America.
July 02, 2004
Absence and an Anniversary
I am leaving tomorrow to visit my family in Idaho for all of next week, and, since I don't get to see my family often, I'm not going to blog so I'm not focused on that.
But, Friday, July 9th, is my second blogiversary, and I don't want a bunch of blank pages leading up to "International Link to IMAO Day" where everyone must link to IMAO or be derided and heckled. Thus, I've pre-written some posts for next Monday through Friday. There will be a new post on Monday, classic IMAO with commentary and director's cuts Tuesday through Thursday, and then some new posts for blogiversary on Friday plus a surprise... and I mean a "have a change of underwear handy and keep your heart medication in reach" surprise.
Until then, I really like the idea of doing a non-writing piece; namely a documentary on the left. It would probably be easiest to just collect quotes and pictures and do a flash animation with us doing voiceovers. So, is anyone familiar with doing animation? Any other ideas on how to do a documentary? And who is willing to help in some way? Discuss in the comments. This will be the first Frank J. production, so it should be big!
If I don't see you before then, have a great Independence Day!
More on Moore
A lot of great questions for Moore. Here are the runners up who each get the privelege of sending me one question for Frank Answers:
Formerly Frank asks:
Scott Ward asks:
Cap'n Yoaz who asks:
If God could make a rock as big and as heavy as He wanted, could He make one that would keep you from getting to a chocolate cake?
Have you ever been mistaken for the Kool-Aid guy?
Does your doctor pull out his scientific calculator when he checks your cholesterol?
How many all-you-can-eat buffet restaurants have added "except Michael Moore" to their signs when they saw you approaching them?
Did clowns ever mistakenly tie ropes to you at a Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade?
How do Buicks taste?
rightwingduck who asks:
Your movie Canadian Bacon was about a president who starts a war to improve his standing. Your movie farenheit 911 is about - a president who starts a war to improve his standings. What will your next movie be about? Achooo-one script wonder-ooooooo?
Do you use your fat rolls for storage? Frank thinks you are hiding monkies in there. I say that's your natural body odor. Who is right?
Is it true the Army used nude pictures of you at Abu Grahib?
When you're lying on the beach.. does Green Peace show up, build a fence around you and start handing out leaflets?
Were you the body double for Free Willy?
So how long DOES it take to eat a hippo?
Which side of the menu tastes best. The left or the right?
Is that a beard. Or is it just gravy?
Not to be insensitive, but has anyone ever told you that you're fat?
Which truck stop has the most accurate scales?
Did you eat Jenny Craig? She's been missing 2 days now.
We know you hate America. Is that because of its Pro-Whaling policies? Did we accidentally harpoon your mother? Is that why my Tuna tasted funny?
Is it true that you're so fat. When you visited Japan, the japanese started running down the street like an old Godzilla movie?
Have you thought about hiring an assistant to prance around in a Princess Leia outfit? It would complete the look.
Do you make a beeping sound when you walk backwards?
If we painted you purple, would you sing the Ooompa Loompa song?
Can You Tell Me How to Get...
I heard someone talking about how the voices for characters on Sesame Street have changed, and I just realized how long its been since I've ever seen that show. Why, I stopped watching long before that silly Elmo character was all the rage (the schizophrenic Big Bird who hallucinated seeing a wooly mammoth was the most popular character in my day), and, as a result, I've started forgetting my alphabet, how to count, and what's the difference between "near" and "far." So, anyone with kids seen the show recently? Has it changed a lot since the first half of the eighties where we learned our letters and to hate the Commies? Has it taken a hard stance on the war?
ELMO: What's a word that starts with K?
Is it true the letter 'Q' has pulled sponsorship because of the controversy?
I actually remember first watching the show back when I was three-years-old. I missed one show, though, so I knew the number one, two, three, five, six, seven, eight, nine, and ten, but didn't know about four. Thus, one day I found a number of blocks in front of me that was more than three and less than five and was like, "Holy s**t! What the f**k is this? F**kity f**k f**k f**k; this is blowing my f**king mind!"
And my dad was like, "You be quiet there, boy, or I'll whup you with the back of me hand more than three times and less than five!"
That's my dad; always keeping the order.
What was I talking about?
Stuff and... uh... Stuff
I still need to pick the winning questions for Michael Moore, which I'll do tonight.
Also, how does everyone like my "I'm smart and thoughtful" expression for my editorial today?
There is a bigger announcement... but that will be later today...
UPDATE: I agree with the puppy blender; The Onion should be as funny as me.
And what do people have against Jags? I was thinking either an S-Type or a Mercedes for my next car - well, if my income suddenly increases in time.
Iraq War Wrong?
It's important to read the viewpoint of the other side, so check out this blog on why those who think the Iraq War is right are wrong and why those who think the Iraq War is wrong are right. Of course, those who think the Iraq war is right are right, but a diversity of opinion always helps the discussion.
Ronin Thought of the Day
Once again we consult A Book of Five Rings (Go Rin No Sho) written by the greatest samurai warrior, Miyamoto Musashi:
When you decide to attack, keep calm and dash in quickly, forestalling the enemy. Or you can advance seemingly strongly but with a reserved spirit, forestalling him with the reserve.
Know your Ken No Sen, dude.
We Should Target More Civilians
An Editorial by Frank J.
Charles Manson. Ted Bundy. Jeffrey Dahmer. O.J. Simpson.
What do all these people all have in common? That's right; they're all civilians.
Yet, our military seem to be focused on trying not to kill civilians like they're all innocent angels or some other nonsense. We've even spent billions of dollars on sophisticated weaponry so that we’re less likely to harm civilians. How do we know, though, that we're not just sparing murderers and pedophiles? We don't.
Let me talk from my own experience. Once I was playing a shooting game at an arcade. I was doing perfectly well killing everyone who popped up, but suddenly then a "civilian" comes on screen and I shoot him and get penalized. Well, what the hell is some civilian doing in a violent videogame anyway? I don't know, but what I do know is, because of him, I not only didn't get to the next level, I got game over.
Game over, man; game over.
It's even worse for our troops who can't just put in more quarters (or tokens or cards considering the arcade). They have to be oh so careful to not blow up any orphanages while targeting the weapons depot. That's just bull. Why can't little orphan Annie learn to duck and cover so our troops can fire more indiscriminately with less worries to themselves? And why are orphans conspiring with tyrants anyway?
Still, just not caring about shooting civilians is not enough; we need to target them! What is a civilian anyway? Just an unarmed enemy combatant, who, in the words of Clint Eastwood from Unforgiven, "should have armed himself." What are they doing civilianing around while we're attacking? Either get out of there or stop being so weepy. And don't give me the old canard of "I don't have anywhere else to go," or "We're too oppressed to leave." Lies, all of it. These so called "innocents" are just waiting to attack us later when they get older.
It's time to take a hard line with these civilians. Our Jew friends, the Israelis, should probably start. Next time there is some rally for terrorists who blew up kindergartners, bomb them all to hell. If someone complains, the Israelis should just say, "We were trying to understand the anger of the terrorists by doing what they do - targeting civilians. And, guess what? It was fun! And we're much better at it too!"
Of course, we Americans can't be outdone by the Israelis. Next battle, no more wasting money on expensive targeting systems; just bomb the hell out of everything. I bet if we put our hearts into it, we can set a record for civilians killed. Why, with saturation bombing, nukes, and space lasers, we could end the civilian menace once and for all.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as "A Better Living Through Proper Firearm Usage" and "If You're Reading This, I Better Have Gotten My Royalty Check."
July 01, 2004
Links of the Day
On a serious note, Blackfive needs all our help to get a needed bill through Congress to help save troops' lives.
On a less serious note, a hate mailer puts Michelle Malkin in her place. Yeah! You tell her!
Michael Moore is now guilty of false advertising! Just when you thought he couldn't stoop any
And Now a Word From Our Sponsor...
I have a new advertiser with patriotic music! Check him out!
Also, I forgot to mention the renewal of the ad for RightWingStuff. If you haven't checked out their merchandise yet, you're a muckadoo.
Keeping Frank's advertisers happy means I get more money for other projects such as documentaries (and eventually replacing my Hyundai with a Jaguar).
Michael Moore is Fat and Ugly: An Intelligent Look at the Left
I really like this documentary idea; only problem is that I'm plenty busy so I'd need the help of others to do it. It can either be made by editing together clips of wacky liberals with some voice over narration or maybe as a flash animation. Then we just have to find good pictures of wacky liberals and maybe do the voices ourselves.
Anyway, I will be the executive producer, director, head writer, and narrator. Maybe Bill Whittle can be the editor since he doesn't seem to be doing anything else (how long can a person's main page be blank before he's declared blog-dead?).
Now, we need to focus on what the point of the documentary will be. Here are the points I want to hit:
* Explain how liberals are nuts
So, who want to help out? And, any other ideas?
Spidey Senses Tingling!
The documentary Spiderman 2, which focuses on how having mutant spider powers affect your average man, made $30-35 million yesterday. No word on whether that beat out Fahrenheit 9/11's gross that day or whether Spiderman 2 is affecting people's views on President Bush.
Who Da Muckadoo?
For someone as smart as me, sometimes the English language is lacking and I have to come up with my own words. Such is the case for all the hateful idiots who follow people like Michael Moore and Noam Chomsky, blindly hating everyhting Bush does and enraptured in their own self-importance. To them, Bush is worse than any murderous dictator, and for losing their humanity in their supreme partisanship, I deem them muckadoos (monkey see; monkey do - muckadoo).
So would a muckadoo know he or she is a muckadoo? Probably not. So, out of the generosity of my own heart, here are way you can tell if you are a muckadoo.
YOU MIGHT BE A MUCKADOO IF...
* ...protesting blowing up terrorists hideouts with the slogan "No Blood for Oil" makes some sort of sense to you.
* ...you think describing Michael Moore as a corpulent, hideous, foul smelling, pig excrement in human form is a slight mischaracterization.
* ...you at the same time think Bush has the intelligence of a Chimp and is successfully heading a huge conspiracy to steal the world’s oil.
* ...you excitedly scan the news each morning in hopes of finding more deaths in Iraq to publicly show grief for.
* ...you consider yourself political even though you don't follow many news sources but are very good at yelling things and waving signs.
* ...when listening to Noam Chomsky, anything other thought than "What a pompous retard!" pops into your head.
* ...you think toppling evil regimes is never worth the costs of having Republicans elected.
* ...you think Bush is just like Hitler because... well... Hitler is bad and Bush is bad... because... of... uh... stuff.
* ...you can't stand watching CNN because of its extreme rightwing tilt of letting a Republican speak every so often.
* ...you think France is better than America in anything.
* ...you think we should try and understand terrorists but anyone with different political viewpoints than you should be shouted down.
* ...you sincerely believe there are no more than six degrees of separation between anything bad that happens in this world and Karl Rove.
* ...you think there are other root causes to terrorism other than all terrorists ain't dead yet.
* ...you believe Cheney and Halliburton are a great threat to this world while "insurgents" chopping people's head off are understandable.
* ...you're filled with hate right now.
* ...you think anyone who disagrees with you is a Nazi and should be rounded up and placed in camps.
* ...you come to this site to seriously debate issues.
* ...you blame everything on America but, for some reason, just won't f'n leave.
* ...seeing a smiling Iraqi child causes you pangs of anger.
* ...every time Rumsfeld appears on T.V., you wet your pants.
* ...you understand terrorists' "anger" but can't figure out why anyone would vote for Bush.
* ...you think your opponents are racist while professing that democracy could just never work for those "brown people."
* ...you are enraptured by Ted Kennedy's ginormous head.
* ...when you see people cheering children getting blown up, you don't immediately exclaim, "Waste the motherf**kers!"
*...when asked what you would like to hit Ted Rall in the face with, you answer, "Nothing."
* ...anytime you want a reasoned discussion of an issue, you go to Democratic Underground.
* ...you're verbally shouting responses to this list.
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