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July 31, 2004
This is Turning into a Frick'n Web Diary
Posted by Frank J. at 03:52 AM | Email This

Sorry to not have political humor; I have something in draft form, but I haven't had time to finish it. I will soon. In the future, I'll try to have guest bloggers during times like this. Also, I will be posting this weekend since they're just more work days for me. BTW, I forgot to mention that In-N-Out Burger was excellent; thanks for pointing out that they're nearby.

Anyhoo, today, it was get up and go to the conference, and, by the time I got back, it's so late that there's no time left except for drinking and gambling.

Well, not quite, actually. When I get back to my hotel, the power is out. For our little impromptu meeting, I needed my laptop, so I headed to my floor and had to find my room in pitch black, which meant letting my hand feel the walls as I walked until I reached a room number which I then had to read by touch.

When I got back to the lobby, no drinking and smoking for our meeting because they decided to stop serving drinks until the power was back (don't want drunks stumbling around in the dark) and I forgot to bring cigars.

Luckily, power comes on half-way through our meeting. Then I decided to play more of that Monopoly game. After I was up $43.85, I got tired of it; the damn thing just keeps spitting money at me. Time to play some blackjack like a big boy.

Put eighty bucks on the table (got carded), bet the minimum of five, and got two black jacks in a row. I my total jumped up and down a lot during the night (though never far below what I started with), and they kept serving me drinks until I couldn't do simple addition.

Luckily, the dealer was really nice and told me what to do... especially with the dreaded 16. She told me you either hit on a sixteen everytime or you stay everytime. I decided I'm the guy who hits everytime. I also happened to lose everytime I had a sixteen. Well, that's statistics.

I got a ton of blackjacks, and I seemed to get them everytime I got frustrated and bet more than usual. When I finished what I decided to be my last beer, it was time to end the night. So I put on the table all I was up plus forty bucks... my logic being that, even if I lost I, would still be up a couple bucks for the night from the Monopoly game. I don't know how many chips were risked, but it was a large stack.

And I got a sixteen.

Dammit. Well... I always hit on sixteen. That's what I decided earlier on, so that what I did.

And I got a four.

Yeah, baby! Doubled that stack, tipped the dealer a $25 chip, and cashed out. $165 dollars (up another $85).

Gambling results so far: Up $190.35

Since I started out only risking ten bucks of my own money (I simply didn't have it in the budget to risk more than a couple bucks gambling), I think that's pretty good.

Also, I would like to defend my frick'n retard coworkers. The Ford F150 has an exteneded bed and is longer than your average bus. And, while Dr. J has hit a curb on pretty much every turn, he has never actually hit another car or person (though he came within milimeters of a baby carriage). My other coworker, the Greek, at least bought me a shot of whiskey yesterday after the combination of his navigation and Dr. J's driving almost got me killed.

I'll close the comments to the caption contest and pick a winner when I'm less tipsy. Until later, be honorable, ronin.

Rating: 1.9/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (22)
July 30, 2004
Frick'n Retards
Posted by Frank J. at 02:44 AM | Email This

Just let if be known that the two coworkers who came with me to Vegas are frick'n retards. One seems determined to hit every curb in Vegas with the rented F150 and the other couldn't navigate his way out of his own hotel room.

Frick'n retards.

That is all.

UPDATE: Now that I've had a night's rest, I want to clear things up. My coworkers are all right guys... just frick'n retards.

Rating: 1.5/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (33)
July 29, 2004
I Haven't Seen This Much Crap on T.V. Since that Discovery Channel Special on Dung Beetles
Posted by Frank J. at 09:49 PM | Email This

Man, these Democrats won't shut up. Is anyone buying this? I think I'll need to do a write up on Democrats so everyone irrationally hates them as much as me.

Sorry I have't had time for proper posts, but I've been quite busy. One conference just ended, and maybe I'll have more time during this next one. Then there is another one still (you'll have to keep tuning into IMAO to see where Frank J. pops up next!). I have something brewing in my head, but need to type it out.

BTW, I never did plug the Casual Conservative; make sure to check them out through their blogad. Also, The Manchurian Candidate has paid for another week; I hear Denzel Washington himself said that the movie must be advertised on IMAO.

Off to In And Out Burger; one of my coworker is paying since he made $160 playing blackjack last night. Catch you foo's later.

One last thing: It's kinda interesting that the video biography for John Kerry that his daughters introduced barely mentioned anything about his nineteen years in the Senate. Seems to be his whole argument is: "I was in Vietnam and then married a rich woman. Elect me president."

Rating: 2.0/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (94)
I Also Like to Live Dangerously
Posted by Frank J. at 12:46 AM | Email This

I have no idea how those video slot machines work, but I put $5 in a penny one and cashed out with $10.40 and put $10 in a nickel one and cashed out with $26.90. Add that to the rest and...

Gambling results so far: Up $61.50

Maybe I'll be adventurous tomorrow night and put that all down on the blackjack table. One of these days I'll have to learn my lesson...

Rating: 1.9/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (27)
July 28, 2004
This Man Will Be Our Next President?
Posted by Frank J. at 10:46 PM | Email This

Is this the man you want to be your next president?

Do you want some Oompa Loompa making the decisions that affect your life?

This message was approved by President Bush... who is not a total dork.

Edwards is on T.V. right now talking about all these nice things he wants to do for people - do you think he'll get a 50% cut if he accomplishes them?

Anyway, first day of my conferences ended with gourmet food as far as the eye could see and an open bar. Holy. I need to do more business travel. Well, doubt I'll get that again over the next eight days.

Hey, Edwards just made some reference to Kerry serving in a war; which one was it?

Seriously, someone should keep a Kerry war reference count.

Well, I called another meeting over drinks and cigars which I need to head down for soon. Maybe I'll do some more gambling while I'm down there and tell you how I do. Hopefully, I'll have some time soon to do some real political blogging. 'till then, caption the picture above.

Oh, and by everyone's recommendation, I'm going to try the In-And-Out Burger tomorrow for dinner.

He just mentioned Kerry was in the military again. That's twice...

Rating: 1.6/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (148)
Civilized Business
Posted by Frank J. at 01:22 AM | Email This

Just conducted a meeting with my coworkers over cigars and adult beverages - this is the way things should be done.

Anyway, I had gambled twice, putting a quarter in two machines, and was up $0.50 as previously reported. After the alcohol, I decided to try my luck again. Soon, five singles were squirrled away and I was down $4.50. Frustrated, I put a Lincoln into a nickel Monopoly game. I had no idea what meant what as the digital dials spinned, but I soon landed on free parking and got a ton of bonuses.

Gambling results so far: Up $39.25

In other words, I have not yet learned the evils of gambling.

Well, have to get up for at 8am breakfast tomorrow, which is like 11am since I'm still jet-lagged. Now I head to bed for more than eight hours sleep. See y'all later.

BTW, I was bad and didn't get my entry in on time, but here is Right Wing News's list of history's biggest impact players.

Rating: 2.4/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (45)
July 27, 2004
Live From Las Vegas... It's IMAO!
Posted by Frank J. at 06:38 PM | Email This

Hey everybody. Just resting up in my hotel room before some conference stuff starts. Damn am I tired, too. I got up at nearly 4am ET and now have a little get together at 6pm west coast time. Plus, I just did a bunch of walking around checking out the nearby casinos and ate at the priciest food court I have ever seen.

Gambling results so far: Up $0.50

I haven't seen the news today; did the Democrats say anything or did they wise up and stay quiet so we won't make fun of them?

Well, I'm going to take a nap and look into it later. Since I will have internet access from my hotel room, I'll try to do some updates each day. Got a few things brew'n in the noggin...

Rating: 2.0/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (44)
July 26, 2004
Link of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 07:13 PM | Email This

A reader questioned my advertising of the movie The Manchurian Candidate, and Kim du Toit has a post appropos to that.

Rating: 1.9/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (34)
Announcements (Important - You Read)
Posted by Frank J. at 12:38 PM | Email This

The winning entry of the Sandy Burglar joke contest is

What's the big deal? Lots of guys wear briefs...

Submitted by No One of Consequence. He has earned the privilege of sending me questions for Frank Answers™.

If you want some more caption fun, Michelle Malkin has a caption contest (I already entered one).

Now some bad interesting news. Starting tomorrow, I'm going to be business tripping until August 5th (week from Thursday). I should have downtime and internet access, so who knows how much posting I'll be doing? Maybe I'll have more posts than usual... maybe none! And where will I be posting from? You'll have to tune in each day to find out!

Hopefully I can finally get the new About Me, FAQ, and a Reagan's Ronin page done if I have time.

Later, foo's.

Rating: 2.2/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (25)
Ronin Thought of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 08:06 AM | Email This

Samurai Benjamin Takeshi Franklin was known to say:

Well done is better than well said.

Facta non verba.

Rating: 2.0/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (12) | Ronin Thought of the Day
In My World: Curious George Visits the Democratic National Convention
Posted by Frank J. at 06:37 AM | Email This

Above the Democratic National Convention floated the Halliburton Dirigible of Evil.

"Don't you think 'Zeppelin of Evil' would sound eviler?" Bush queried.

"I didn't name it," Cheney responded.

Rumsfeld glared down at Boston. "All our enemies in one place - seems like the time for a tactical strike to wipe them out once and for all!"

"No murder!" Bush said, "or Laura will make me sleep on the couch again."

Chomps jumped up to look out the window, and then wouldn't stop snarling and barking.

"We could infiltrate them," Condi said, "find out what they're up to."

"Can't we just watch one of the news stations for that?" Scott McClellan suggested.

"Someone hit Scott," Bush commanded.

Rumsfeld stared at Scott menacingly until Scott finally punched himself, knocking himself to the ground.

"We'll get in there and sow seeds of discontent," Bush chuckled, "or, at least, get some free snacks if they have any. Let's go."

* * * *

"Why does it have to be us two doing the infiltrating?" Scott asked Bush as he made sure his fake goatee was on right.

"Because everyone else has too much important stuff to do," Bush answered as he brushed his porn star mustache.

"I also have important things to do," Scott complained, "I do the press conferences!"

"I got you a good replacement."

* * * *

"What does Bush think of his Democrat challengers?"

"Awk! No comment!"

"How much longer are troops expected to be in Iraq?"

"Awk! No comment!"

"What's Bush's reaction to the 9/11 report?"

"Awk! Polly want a cracker!"

"Ha! Now we're getting somewhere!"

* * * *

"Bush is Hitler! How are you guys doing?" Bush said as he inserted himself amongst a group of Democrats.

"We're handing out fact sheets on Kerry and Edwards so people get to know them better," said one as he gave some pamphlets to Bush and Scott.

"Facts about John Kerry," Scott read aloud, "He served in Vietnam." Scott turned the pamphlet over, but couldn't find anymore text.

"Facts about John Edwards," Bush said, "He's purty looking. P.S. Bush is evil... Hey! No I'm not... I mean, right on!"

"So what's the plan?" Scott whispered to Bush.

"We'll get back stage and change the speaker prompts to embarrass the Democrats," Bush answered, "Follow me."

They snuck through the convention until they got to the backroom. "Now we just need to find where the prompt is programmed," Bush said, "Then we can..." Bush froze. "Don't look up, Scott."

Scott stopped moving too. "Why?" he whimpered.

"There are ninjas up in the rafters," Bush uttered, "I just knew the Democrats were conspiring with the evil ninja conglomerate!"

"So what do we do?!"

"We'll have to fight them to the death using items we can find in this room." Bush saw a mop and bucket nearby. "I'll use the mop as a bo, and you can use the bucket as a... well, just try not to die too quickly."

A throwing star then struck the wall near Bush's head. He shrieked and ran for the nearest exit. Catching his breath, he looked around to see he was on stage.

"It's the next speaker!" called out one of the crowd.

"Uh, hey everybody," Bush said as he walked to the microphone. He then uttered to himself, "Think like a Democrat. Think like a Democrat." Bush cleared his throat. "Who here hates Bush more than they love America?"

Everyone cheered.

"Republicans are evil!" Bush continued, "They eat babies... who all should have been aborted!"

More cheers.

"Man, I'm on a roll," Bush said to himself while smiling. "Well, when we're in power, we'll change many things. We'll set taxes to make sure no one is ever rich again!"

The crowd erupted with more clapping and yelling.

"And we'll make sure poor kids stay in their poor schools where they belong! And all marriages will be gay marriages!"

The crowd was frenzied in cheering now.

"And we'll never exert force against our enemies again... and make the national language French!" Bush shouted, making his mustache fall off.

The cheering stopped.

"That's not a porn star! That's President George W. Bush!" one yelled.

"Let's kill him!"

Everyone started to climb on to the stage, but Scott then ran out. "Everyone, calm down! We can't let partisanship rot our minds! We all need to have some understanding and sanity!"

"That guy with the goatee is promoting understanding and sanity!" one of the crowd shouted, "Let's kill him too!"

As the crowd closed in on Bush and Scott, ninjas crept towards them from behind, ninja swords ready in hand. A new speaker then walked on stage, wearing a suit and glasses.

"Let's see what the real speaker has to say about this," one said, and the crowd stopped for a moment.

The speaker trotted to the podium, jumped up, and bit off the microphone. He then chewed it up and spat it out.

"Hey," one person said, "That speaker looks an angry rottweiler."

"Not just angry rottweiler," said one of the ninjas, his sword shaking in his hand, "Very angry rottweiler."

* * * *

Chomps made a hacking sound. Finally, he coughed up a Birkenstock.

"I told you not to murder Democrats!" Laura yelled at Bush.

"I didn't, honey!" Bush protested, "I just stood back and laughed as Chomps did."

Laura pointed to the couch which already had a pillow and blanket on it.

"But, honey, Lincoln haunts this room at night and he's mean!"

"That's between you and Lincoln," Laura said angrily and then marched up stairs.

"Aww," Bush groaned to himself as he sat on the couch.

"You're not going to get to sleep for four score and seven years!" a voice echoed throughout the room, "Muh ha ha ha!"

"Can't you go haunt a log cabin somewhere?"

A book flew through the air and hit Bush in the head.

"Ow!" Bush rubbed his head as he got under the blanket. "Stupid, rail-splitting poltergeist."

Rating: 1.8/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (37) | In My World
July 25, 2004
Ronin Thought of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 12:37 PM | Email This

Today's wisdom is from samurai Shiba Yoshimasa:

Many men feel that they should act according to the time or the moment they are facing, and thus are in confusion when something goes beyond this and some difficulty arises.

The man whose profession is arms should calm his mind and look into the depths of others. Doing so is likely the best of the martial arts.

Yes, touchy-feely crap can help you kill others.

Rating: 2.3/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (12) | Ronin Thought of the Day
July 24, 2004
Ronin Thought of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 01:27 PM | Email This

Learned samurai James Madison was known to say:

The advancement and diffusion of knowledge is the only guardian of true liberty.

So I am the only guardian of true liberty. Me!

Rating: 2.8/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (9) | Ronin Thought of the Day
July 23, 2004
Planet of the Apes at Hand?
Posted by Frank J. at 05:35 PM | Email This

Many of you have seen this story about a monkey walking exclusively on its hind legs. I just want to tell you not to panic. Yes, a mutant virus has caused a monkey to spontaneously evolve, but this doesn't mean they will all overthrow us yet ala Planet of the Apes. It's just one monkey so far - one monkey that must immediately be killed and have its body burned.

For the rest of us, just go under normal precautions, i.e., keep a shotgun handy and listen for monkey jabber.

That is all.

Rating: 1.5/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (28)
What Happened to Frank
Posted by Frank J. at 05:27 PM | Email This

Sorry not to post today (until now). I had the day off and was getting the A/C fixed on my car... but then I ended up buying a new car (a Sante Fe V6 - Hyundai has made a loyalist out of me). Then I had a doctor's appointment - 3 weeks to live.

Anyway, I owe all of you some Frank Answers™ and a winner for the Sandy Burglar joke, but that will have to wait.

Oh, and one more thing - SARAHK IS MINE! NONE SHALL CHALLENGE ME FOR HER!

Rating: 1.9/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (55)
July 22, 2004
Check to See if the Moon is Blue
Posted by Frank J. at 04:06 PM | Email This

Whitler has posted something!

Rating: 2.0/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (31)
Cruise'n For a Bruise'n
Posted by Frank J. at 01:10 PM | Email This

Someone has been harrassing Emperor Misha I and his family by phone, but Misha was able to track the bastard.

This is why I'm still a firm supporter of the age old concept of the posse.

UPDATE: Time is running out for the dirtbag.

Get the rope.

Rating: 2.4/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (14)
Linda Ronstadt Hates Michael Moore?
Posted by Frank J. at 11:44 AM | Email This

Linda Ronstadt, known by most for how she infamously supported the Plow King and slandered Mr. Plow, has allegedly been supporting Michael Moore by dedicating the song "Desperado" to him. I happen to have the Johnny Cash version of the song, though, and it doesn't sound too flattering. If you actually look at the lyrics, apparently Ronstadt thinks very little of Moore:

DESPERADO

Desperado, why don't you come to your senses? (She already starts out saying Michael Moore is senseless)
You been out ridin' fences for so long now (This is just silly; no fence could support Moore's weight)
Oh, you're a hard one (actually, I've heard reports that he's really squishy)
I know that you got your reasons (money)
These things that are pleasin' you (fried cheese)
Can hurt you somehow (high cholesterol; heart attack)

Don't you draw the queen of diamonds boy (don't be so focused on money; the reference to a “queen” is probably implying that Moore is a homosexual)
She'll beat you if she's able (as would most people, though Moore's blubbery hide is a natural protectant)
You know the queen of hearts is always your best bet (don't be such a heartless bastard)

Now it seems to me, some fine things (stacks of money for your movies and books)
Have been laid upon your table (amongst empty packages of Oreos)
But you only want the ones that you can't get (no matter how much money he makes, he can't get what he really wants: everyone to mindlessly hate President Bush)

Desperado, oh, you ain't gettin' no younger (or slimmer)
Your pain and your hunger, they're drivin' you home (especially hunger)
And freedom, oh freedom well, that's just some people talkin' (is this another paranoid reference to the Patriot Act?)
Your prison is walking through this world all alone (because of your intensely displeasing personality and smell)

Don't your feet get cold in the winter time? (again, layer of blubber protects from this)
The sky won't snow and the sun won't shine (his flatulence affects global weather much like cows)
It's hard to tell the night time from the day (because you block out the sun, you fat bastard)
You're losin' all your highs and lows
Ain't it funny how the feeling goes away? (Michael Moore is an unfeeling bastard)

Desperado, why don't you come to your senses? (again, Michael Moore is senseless)
Come down from your fences, open the gate (again the image of some fence supporting Moore's weight is just too ridiculous)
It may be rainin', but there's a rainbow above you (rainbow - another instance of Ronstadt implying Moore is gay)
You better let somebody love you, before it's too late (too late being the inevitable heart attack from eating fatty foods and shouting angrily all the time)

Apparently, Ronstadt thinks that Moore is a horrible, heartless, fat man and is using this song as a sort of intervention. Good for her.

Now apologize to Mr. Plow.

Rating: 2.4/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (34)
Ronin Thought of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 08:44 AM | Email This

Heed these words from A Book of Five Rings (Go Rin No Sho) written by the great samurai warrior Miyamoto Musashi:

Stance in Strategy

Adopt a stance with the head erect, neither hanging down, nor looking up, nor twisted. Your forehead and the space between your eyes should not be wrinkled. Do not roll your eyes nor allow them to blink, but slightly narrow them. With your features composed, keep the line of your nose straight with a feeling of slightly flaring your nostrils. Hold the line of the rear of the neck straight: instil vigour into your hairline, and in the same way from the shoulders down through your entire body. Lower both shoulders and, without the buttocks jutting out, put strength into your legs from the knees to the tops of your toes. Brace your abdomen so that you do not bend at the hips. Wedge your companion sword in your belt against your abdomen, so that your belt is not slack - this is called "wedging in".

In all forms of strategy, it is necessary to maintain the combat stance in everyday life and to make your everyday stance your combat stance. You must research this well.

The true warrior is prepared every moment for battle.

Rating: 1.9/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (25) | Ronin Thought of the Day
How Am I Doing?
Posted by Frank J. at 08:37 AM | Email This

I made changes to my blog templates over the weekend, and now I hear that some in Mozilla (didn't he fight Mothra?) can't see the right sidebar. I pretty much exclusively use IE even though I know better, so I'd like to hear if any of the other browsers are having problems displaying my webpage.

Rating: 1.8/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (31)
Know Thy Enemy: Black Holes
Posted by Frank J. at 08:23 AM | Email This

Stephen Hawking has revamped the theory of black holes, finally solving the paradox that black holes seemingly destroy information.

Now I can finally sleep nights again.

So what do you do if you happen to run into a black hole? Well, I sent out my crack research staff to find out as much as they can about black holes so you can be prepared.

FUN FACTS ABOUT BLACK HOLES

* A black hole is made by the combination of "black" and "hole."

* Gravity is also involved.

* The name "black hole" is somewhat of misnomer; they're more of a dark gray.

* They say that black holes are so dense that not even light can escape them - but that's just black hole propaganda to scare you.

* Hawking now says that, instead of destroying data, a black hole will eventually spit it out in a mangled form - much like shoving a classified document down your pants and then later pulling it out again.

* Many galaxies have a massive black hole at their center, so try to stay near the edges of the galaxy to be on the safe side.

* If you think you see a black hole, don't touch it. Instead, contact the authorities. You can throw a rock at it if you feel like it.

* Just because a hole is black doesn't mean it's a "black hole." Check if the hole has a strong gravitational force that rends your atoms apart for confirmation.

* They say that once you cross the event horizon of a black hole there's no escape - but that just sounds like loser talk to me.

* Whatever is sucked into a black hole is crushed down into an infinitely small point called a singularity. You can't beat that for convenient storage.

* Black holes will suck anything into them... except for Jews because they're virulently anti-Semitic.

* If a black hole tells you its okay to come a little closer, it's a trick! You're near the event horizon!

* You can throw a penny into a black hole and make a wish, but then Greenpeace will be on your case for disturbing pristine wilderness.

* The laws of physics fall apart as one is pulled into a black hole, so, whatever you do, don't take a physics test while descending into a black hole or you'll totally fail.

* If you think you are being sucked into a black hole, stop, drop, and roll. That might help distract you from the unimaginable destruction you're about to experience.

* When you cross the event horizon (point of no return) of a black hole, you'll notice no discernable difference. Outside observers, though, will be like, "That guy is totally screwed! Let's get lunch."

* A black hole can't even be destroyed if we launched nuclear missiles at it. I don't know if anyone has tried hitting it with a hammer.

* In a fight between a black hole and Aquaman, the ways in which Aquaman would die are just too numerous to list.

* The first time a star collapsed into a black hole, God was like, "Oh man, I like must have totally screwed up my calculations somewhere." He won't admit to that now.

* If a black hole is acting like it's "all that,” flip it the bird while saying, "Collapse this into a singularity!" That'll show it.

* Hawking has dispelled the belief that black holes are a portal to another dimension. Instead, what lies in them is much less interesting: cyborg alien ninjas who will kick you in the head for all eternity. And free ice cream.

* One day I hope to harness the power of black holes to suck into them all the people I disagree with. Some might say this will end political discussion, but I never liked political discussion - that's why I'm talking about black holes.

Rating: 2.4/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (50) | Know Thy Enemy
July 21, 2004
Hollywood Comes to the Blogosphere
Posted by Frank J. at 02:29 PM | Email This

On my blogads, you may notice my first movie ad ever, The Manchurian Candidate. I never saw the original (it's on my Netflix list), but this one has Denzel Washington, so hopefully it will be good. Check out the trailer.

Also, I have a new advertiser with lots of pro-Bush merchandise and anti-Moore and anti-Kerry stuff. Check them out as well or you are a dishonorable ronin.

Finally, there probably isn't going to be another reprint of the Know Thy Enemy: Terrorists t-shirt, so buy the last of them before they're all gone. Previously sold out sizes on the others are orderable again.

BTW, I now have a full color version of Chomps and... well... it kicks pinkie toe but you guys will have to wait to see it.

Rating: 2.0/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (36)
If This is True...
Posted by Frank J. at 09:38 AM | Email This

You know, you can't hug a "Bush Lied; People Died" slogan with nuclear arms.

Rating: 2.2/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (38)
Ronin Thought of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 09:11 AM | Email This

From Master Reagan:

History teaches that wars begin when governments believe the price of aggression is cheap.

Let the enemy know how expensive it is to cross us.

Rating: 1.1/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (21) | Ronin Thought of the Day
Don't Get Mad, Laugh Your Ass Off
An Editorial by Frank J.
Posted by Frank J. at 08:49 AM | Email This

 The muckadoos have been out in force for sometime. They're either protesting us defending ourselves, calling everything that moves Hitler, hating everything America, or promoting sham documentaries as gospel. Now they can't even stand one news station not having a huge liberal slant, so they've made Fox News their target with a smear documentary called Out-Foxed and then tried to sue them claiming Fox News’s "Fair and Balanced" slogan is inaccurate.

 And unreasonable actions like that can make a reasonable person such as me mad.

 Then I thought, "Why am I mad?" (that's called being "introspective") Sure these people are redefining that phrase idiot, but how are they affecting me? It’s true that Fahrenheit 9/11 has made around a hundred million in the box office, but the people lauding it are those who are already completely lost into madness and hatred. It hasn't moved the polls, and, personally, all it’s done is help me learn to spell "Fahrenheit" correctly. Sure these people have their wacky protests and get their press coverage, but no one other than themselves look at it and say anything other than, "What a bunch of idiots."

 Now they're ignoring all the stations with all the years of liberal bias to single out the popular Fox News, but their little "documentary" is only getting shown around in their own sewing circles so they can pat each other on the back and say how smart they are.

 Yes it's grand foolishness and blind partisanship to the point of insanity. It's also aimed at people like me to show how moronic I am for believing what I believe. And, I have to admit, some of it has made me pretty mad initially. But, when you look at it, these people have no effect on anything. It's like if a retarded kid at school came up and yelled at you, "You're 'tupid!" You might be insulted if it weren't so damn pathetic. The real Christian response would be to show pity for these leftists and how far-gone from reality they are.

 But I'm not the best Christian, so I'm going to laugh my ass off at them. Come on, they're little yiping dogs that don't even come up to our knees trying to intimidate us. Everyday they shake their tiny fists in impotent rage, and their biggest possible accomplishment is to annoy us - so why let them succeed? The opportunities for fun are endless if you're creative. One idea is to take them very seriously, and keep asking them questions of gradually increasing ridiculousness until they finally figure out you're making fun of them:

 "So do you think Bush did a lot of this on behest of the Saudis?"

 "What do you think Halliburton's involvement was with Abu Grahib? I just know they had a hand in that."

 "It's not just blood for oil; the glass consortium wants all that sand."

 "Let's not stray too far from the main point: How does this Iraq war relate to the Roswell cover up?"

 Another idea is to play the stereotype of a conservative that is in their fevered minds:

 "I think oil is worth a lot more than foreigners' lives. Come on; when was the last time an Arab baby did anything for you? If I can save a few pennies at the pump, then I say saturation bomb all the playgrounds we can."

 Ever since 9/11, liberalism in America has felt itself dying at the hands of reality. Instead of going out with either a whimper or a bang, it's found an even more pathetic way to die out. Just don't let it get to you; no matter who wins the election, these wackos will have no significant influence over anything.

 Life is just too short to get angry over little things and little people, so have a laugh. I believe God made everything for a purpose, and what purpose could there be for wacko leftists other than our amusement?

Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such political books as "Never-Ending Debt: The American Deficit and Its Affect on Various Political and Socio-Economic Factors" (includes a recipe for "The Ultimate Nachos") and "'Ted Kennedy's Head is Ginormous!' and Other Observations of Modern Politics"

Rating: 2.1/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (27) | Editorials
In Five Seconds These Pants Will Explode...
Posted by Frank J. at 06:30 AM | Email This

I had to work really late yesterday, so I didn't have any time to come up with a post yet. I'll try to have something later if I can make time, but, until then, it's entertain yourself day!

Hooray!

So, Sandy Berger stuffed classified documents down his pants, and I just know there is a joke there somewhere. Put your best crack at it in the comments section, and I, the arbiter of all humor, will pick the winner.

Rating: 1.4/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (74)
July 20, 2004
Our Military XXIV
Posted by Frank J. at 12:36 PM | Email This

Here are more military stories. I'd like to keep this going as long as I can, so, if you'd like to give your own explanation of why you joined the military or have a military story, please e-mail me with the subject "Military". Thanks.

* * * *

Colton writes about his recent signing up with the Air Force:

There are two reasons that I joined the Air Force. One is that I've always wanted to fly. So why not get paid to do it? I can't really explain why I didn't do that right away after college. Instead I moved to Arizona for a few years and worked for a printing company. Then the second reason happened. September 11th probably sounds like a clichéd reason, but it really was the event that spurred my decision. It wasn't immediate, though. A little while after the attacks I found myself at work talking with a fellow employee, and heard myself say, "I just wish that there was something I could do". It struck me as a very hypocritical thing to say. I was 25 (at the time), healthy, and not particularly enthralled with my job. I COULD help, and so I decided to do it. I bought myself a pilot's license, submitted my application, and now I'm in Navigator school here in Texas.


Scott writes about jumping (and what happens when you refuse to jump):

I've often joked with friends that the initial training I received in the Army (Basic, AIT and Jump school) was the best fun I ever had that I'd never want to repeat. It was during basic paratrooper training that one of my favorite Army Moments (tm) happened.

The third and final week of jump school is appropriately called "Jump Week." Candidates are expected to make five successful (!!) jumps over five days to earn the coveted wings of a paratrooper. Two weeks of preparation on the ground and in the training towers are meant to provide sufficient mental conditioning to override any natural resistance to throwing one's self out of a high-performance aircraft at 1500' during the final week. To accomplish this, the regimen includes a seemingly endless repetition of the steps performed aboard the aircraft prior to the actual jump. Falling is the easy part of an airborne operation; gravity does most of the work. It's getting out of the plane that takes some skill.

My stick and I (jumpers are broken down into 12-person groups called "sticks") were on the last load of the day. We'd spent more than 12 hours on the airfield enduring the heat and humidity of a Georgia summer, the whole while laden down with jump gear and with nothing to divert our minds from what we were about to do. Sweat, fatigue and nerves would take their toll on one of our number shortly.

The aircraft reached jump altitude and we were on heading to the release point. As the Jumpmasters opened the doors on either side of the aircraft, the anxiety level shot off the scales. Both Jumpmasters turned to their sticks (one on each side of the aircraft) and began issuing the final instructions:

JM: "Check equipment!"

Jumpers: *nervously touching everything associated with their chutes and harnesses to make sure nothing looked out place, and not really knowing what an out-of-place item would actually look like*

JM: "Sound off with equipment check!"

At this point, the last jumper in each stick is supposed to yell "Okay!" and smack the jumper in front of him on the helmet, ass, or arm. That jumper then shouts "Okay!" and smacks the jumper in front of him. This goes all the way to the front of the stick, with the first jumper being expected to look the Jumpmaster in the eyes, point at him and yell, "All okay, Jumpmaster!" From which point the Jumpmaster can order the first jumper to "Stand in the door!" and await the green light to "Go!"

That's what's supposed to happen.

We had made it to the equipment check, and the chorus of voices relaying the "Okay!" status got to the first jumper in my stick. He looked the Jumpmaster dead in the eye, pointed to him and shouted, "All okay, Jumpmaster! But I'm not going!"

The Jumpmaster's mouth fell open in a look of shock and disbelief. He glanced over to the Jumpaster at the other door, who had a similar look on his face. A glance back at the offending candidate, another look to the other Jumpmaster and then a look of well-controlled, angry determination settled on his face. He peeked out the open door, took a step toward the candidate, and before we could register what was happening, grabbed him by the harness and threw him out into the sky. Jumpmaster settled back into his position by the door, looked at the new number-one jumper in the stick, glared at him and issued the second to last command, "Stand in the door!"

When he ordered the command to "Go!", no one else in the stick had any trouble finding his/her way to the exit.


Exredleg has a story about children's strange affinity for MRE's:

Okay ... here is a little story for your "Our Military" section! BTW ... I was stationed with "DNice" at that Lance Missile Battalion in Germany (2-12th FA! Herzo Base!)

While out in the German countryside during a REFORGER exercise, our field site was practically overrun by little kids seeking chem-lites or our MREs (God knows why!).

One little guy was very persistent. He'd ride his bike through our site asking "MRE? MRE? MRE?" To his credit, he usually brought some REAL food from home to trade (and the occasional bottle of beer).

One day, on what must have been his ump-teenth visit to our site, he rides up again begging us for MREs ...

"MRE? MRE? MRE?" the little German kid asked.

"Yeah, I'll give you an MRE ..." said one of our smart-ass mechanics, " ... for your sister!"

We all had a good laugh as the kid sped away from out site.

Not 20 minutes later ... the little guy came back with his sister; his BABY sister ... in the front basket of his bicycle!

We gave the kid a bunch or MREs, and even some bonus chem-lites ... and let him keep his sister!

Strange but true!

Rating: 2.1/5 (27 votes cast)

Comments (12) | Our Military
I Am a Horrible Person
Posted by Frank J. at 12:20 PM | Email This

It was SarahK's, the IMAO T-Shirt Babe, birthday yesterday, and I forgot to make any metion of it or even wish her happy birthday. This makes me less than dirt and almost as bad as a muckadoo.

Everyone must now write something mean and horrible about me in the comments and then something nice about SarahK.

Rating: 2.6/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (74)
Is That a Classified Document in Your Pants or Are You Just Happy to See Me?
Posted by Frank J. at 08:44 AM | Email This

Why couldn't Sandy Berger just steal furniture like the other Clinton people?

Oh yeah; harder to fit down pants.

I still stick by my statement about Sandy Berger I made some time ago - his name would make a horrible menu item at a fastfood joint.

NOTE: His real first name is Samuel, so I guess going by "Sandy Berger" is better than being known as "Sam Berger." Heh.

Oh, and be careful with controlling classified documents, kids. It's no laughing matter.

Heh heh... Sam Berger.

UPDATE: I just thought that Sam Berger was being a moron, but now I hear he had notes hidden in his socks!

Those Clinton people, I tells ya, you gotta keep an eye on them.

Rating: 2.0/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (32)
Don't Call Us "Girlie Men" or We'll Cry Like Little Girls
Posted by Frank J. at 08:14 AM | Email This

I love how Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger called the Democrat California legislature "girlie men," and then the Democrats fight back by whining and throwing hissy fits like a bunch of girlie men.

I really could never understand how any self-respecting man could vote for a Democrat.

Well, hear me now and understand me later: I think Arnold should keep up the rhetoric. He should have a press conference to apologize saying, "I am so sorry I upset the Democrats by calling them 'girlie men.' To make up, I'll give them all pretty flowers so they squeal with girlish glee."

Hell, this seemed to hit a vein so well with the Democrats, we should use it at the national level. President Bush should put out an ad with an Arnold voice over saying, "What if you elect Kerry president, and there is terrorist attack, but he can't respond right away because he's spending an hour fixing his hair, the frilly little girlie man."

In the Vice Presidential Debate, Dick Cheney could just keep bouncing a basketball off of John Edwards's head while saying, "Are you going to cry? Are you going to cry?"

To which Edwards will answer with a tearful, "Yes."

Politics have just evolved, my friends. Thank you, Arnold.

Rating: 1.8/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (31)
Ronin Thought of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 08:11 AM | Email This

Today's wisdom is from venerable samurai Thomas Paine:

Government, even in its best state, is but a necessary evil; in its worst state, an intolerable one.

Man, I thought I was original in calling government a necessary evil. Stupid people before me already having the good ideas before I even get a chance.

Anyway, as I always said, one should consider using government to achieve an end with the same gravity as considering burning down an orphanage to achieve an end.

Rating: 2.5/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (11) | Ronin Thought of the Day
S.M.I.T.E. in the Home
Posted by Frank J. at 06:43 AM | Email This

Unbelievably, I still have not gotten any government grants to build my space laser, S.M.I.T.E, even after my original spiel for it, my detailed plans of it, and showing its domestic applications. To further display its usefulness, I now have produced a graphical representation of its non-lethal uses.

Well, I guess its targeting and power output still have to be worked on. More arguments for why I need the funding!

Rating: 2.4/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (20) | Frank the Artist
July 19, 2004
Rainbow Brite - Armed and Dangerous
Posted by Frank J. at 01:31 PM | Email This

For the caption contest of SarahK's picture, I asked SarahK to pick the winners. Here is what she wrote:

honorable mentions:

"Gross incompetence and laziness eventually led to the firing of all Leprachauns; southern conservatives - reportedly cuter and better armed - have taken up responsibility for gaurding pots o' gold in the US." -- sandor at the zoo

"Girls Gone Republican!" -- 007

"This peaceful and idyllic scene brought to you by the letters I M A and O. IMAO, we kill people so you can live peacefully in your little foo-foo *** village" -- SuperBiff

maybe i'm just happy to see beo say something other than "first", but he gets fourth place with...
*knock knock*
"Hi, I'd like to know if President Bush can count on your vote this November."

rightwingduck scores third place with a "Welcome to the Frank J.
Summer Camp, here is your counselor... Sarah K." and "After having dispatched a squad of protesting tree huggers.. a happy rainbow appeared. And Sarah shot it." haha.

In second place is Wolf's Dawn with "That'll teach those happy little bluebirds to fly over MY rainbow." and "When I say be home by six for dinner, Frank, I MEAN IT!"

Reed the Viking would have been disqualified for calling me a lesbian, except that this one made me cackle, so he's the winner... "In the place of a Dark Lord you would have a Queen! Not dark but beautiful and terrible as the Morn! Treacherous as the Seas! Stronger than the foundations of the Earth! All shall love me and despair." he also gets points for kissing up: "8th wonder of the world" and: "Hey Wizbang, my t-shirt babe can beat up your t-shirt babe!" (it's really not as funny, but i support the war on wizbang and his babe.)

Everyone listed get to send me one question for Frank Answers™, except for Reed the Viking who can send two. Choose your questions wisely.

Rating: 1.9/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (19)
Updates!
Posted by Frank J. at 01:13 PM | Email This

The Peace Gallery has been updated, with all the pages moved to the new template and a number of new ones added. There is my brother Joe foo' the Marine, mighty Leibhusar who is stuck in France, my first celebrity in the gallery (other than me), SarahK and her little sizzle, SarahK herself, Bearhunter, and a new addition to the Chomps page.

I plan to eventually move all material to the new template, and, while I'm at it, make a new FAQ with actual answers (put question suggestion in the comments), a new About Me page, and an official page for Reagan's Ronin. Also, I'll get to adding more random quotes (it's more than a year lagged right now).

Be honorable, ronin.

Rating: 1.4/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (17)
Ronin Thought of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 08:07 AM | Email This

From samurai General Douglas MacArthur:

There is no security in this life. There is only opportunity.

The meek may inherit the earth, but it'll be a long time until we're done with it.


Rating: 1.9/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (17) | Ronin Thought of the Day
In My World: Ignoring Local and International Law
Posted by Frank J. at 06:44 AM | Email This

Previous Episode

* * * *

"Excuse me, foreign person," Buck the Marine said, "I am not currently here to kill you. Could you please point me in the direction of The Hague?"

The confused foreigner complied.

"Thank you kindly." Buck chambered a round into his M-16. "Ooh-rah!"

* * * *

"Be careful taking the cuffs off," Detective Ian Competent told the police officers, "Those hands of her are what she uses for strangling."

"I never strangled anyone!" Laura Bush protested, "I just once choked Jenna a little."

"And be careful with Barney, the world's angriest dog," the detective said, "Reportedly he's ripped people apart with his bare teeth."

The little Scotty dog was placed in a tiny kennel, to which he responded, "Yipe! Yipe!"

"Barney has never hurt anyone!" Laura yelled, "His jaws aren't even large enough to get his teeth around someone's arm."

"Save it for the judge, Rumsfeld Strangler!" the detective responded.

"This is ridiculous. The Rumsfeld Strangler is Donald Rumsfeld. He even leaves notes saying so."

"Don't try and confuse me with your feminine wiles," the detective answered.

"Do I at least get a phone call?"

"Sure, but you'll be in load of trouble if you use the cord to strangle anyone."

Laura groaned and then made a phone call. "Hey, Barbara, is your father there? ...What do mean he's been abducted by the Hague? That idiot is always getting into trouble. Anyway, I need some help; these silly people have arrested me for the being the Rumsfeld Strangler... No I won't tell you my methods of killing because I am not the Rumsfeld Strangler! ...No I don't need tips from you and Jenna on being in prison! Whenever your father gets back from The Hague, remember to tell him that I'm in prison... Write it down so you don't forget... Are you writing it? ...Well, find a piece of paper and a pen now and do it; I'm not trusting you not to forget... Don't you use that tone of voice with me!"

* * * *

"Has the president been abducted by the Hague?" a reporter asked.

"That's the craziest thing I ever heard," Scott McClellan answered, "He's simply at Camp David."

"Were you beaten up by Bush's cabinet?"

Scott touched one of the bandages on his head and grimaced. "No. I fell... multiple times."

"Is it true that Laura Bush has been arrested for being the notorious Rumsfeld Strangler?"

"I don't even know where to begin on describing how crazy that is," Scott answered.

"Then why is there a press conference scheduled for right after this where Detective Ian Competent will announce that he's arrested Laura Bush as the Rumsfeld Strangler?"

"Well... uh..." Scott started sweating. "Screw this. I'm heading to a bar."

Scott walked off, and the detective took his place at the podium. "I just want to announce that all hippies, evil foreign diplomats, and violent criminals can sleep soundly tonight without fear of strangling as the Rumsfeld Strangler has been captured. It ends up, all this time it was Laura Bush. That may surprise some, but these serial killers usually tend to be the quiet, librarian, First Lady types."

"What makes you so certain the Rumsfeld Strangler is her?" asked one reporter.

"An intended victim of the Rumsfeld Strangler reported seeing her and Secretary Defense Donald Rumsfeld before escaping. We then talked to Secretary Rumsfeld, and he confirmed that Laura Bush was around when someone was about to be strangled."

Melinda Hawkish of Fox News stepped forward. "Isn't it true that you recently stayed a weekend at one of John Kerry's luxurious homes - well, Teresa Heinz’s homes - and were bribed to embarrass the Bush administration."

"You're a crazy person to say that!" the detective said indignantly, "Perhaps criminally crazy!"

"Then why do you have a canvas bag sitting next to with a big dollar sign on it and the words 'Property of John Kerry - Who Served in Vietnam - on Loan from Teresa Heinz'?"

"I knew I should have made my bank deposit before the press conference," the detective grumbled. "This press conference is over!"

* * * *

"Bush is evil! He guilty!" shouted one of the jurors of The Hague.

"Please wait until the trial starts," the judge said. "Senator John Edwards, you can start."

"Republicans have plagued the earth for years now, destroying the environment and causing wars and being mean to people," Edwards said, "Thus we must make them all pay 8 trillion dollars in damages - of which I get 30% to cover filing expenses."

"Bush is evil! He guilty! He like jooos!" shouted one of the jurors of The Hague.

"You can say something now," the judge told Bush, "Perhaps an apology for Republican evil."

Bush stood up, buttoned his suit jacket, and straightened his tie. "You're all a bunch of stupid irrelevant foreigners and I don't have to listen to anything you say. Screw you... screw you all." He then sat back down.

"Jury, what do you think?" the judge asked.

"Bush evil! He guil..."

An explosion sounded in the building. "We're under attack!" a guard yelled.

"Then implement our defense plan!" the judge said.

"But all our plans are for multilateral attacks! This one is unilateral!"

A wall blew open and in walked Buck the Marine. He looked all about the room and quivered with anger. "For'ners!"

"Yay! Now you dummies are going to get it!" Bush shouted.

"I brought your hat," Buck said and tossed a cowboy hat to Bush.

Bush put it on. "Now it's time for an old-fashioned Texas ass whup'n!" He grabbed the nearest foreigner and started pounding while Buck threw grenades and fired his rifle.

"Eek!" Edwards squealed and ran away.

The Judge fled too, and was glad to see a blue helmet in the hallway. "Yes! U.N peacekeepers have come to save us from the evil Americans!" He stared for a second longer. "Why are you walking on all fours?"

* * * *

"Bush has escaped the Hague!" Terry McAuliffe yelled as then gnashed his teeth and stomped his feet.

"We'll get him yet!" John Kerry vowed, "Or I didn't serve in Vietnam... which I did. Now I'm tired, so, Jeeves, please shout my enemies name into the air while shaking your fist for me."

"Certainly, sir," Kerry's butler answered. "BUUUUUUSH!"

* * * *

"So was your trashing the Hague retaliation for them kidnapping you?"

"We just did it just because we felt like it," Bush answered the reporter, "The Hague is too irrelevant to respond to anything they do or say."

"Do you think your pardoning of Laura Bush for being the Rumsfeld Strangler shows nepotism?"

"Nep-a-what?" Bush asked as he furrowed his brow, "Anyhoo, Laura has promised not to strangle anyone every again."

"I never did strangle anyone in the first place, gosh darn it!" Laura shouted.

"See, she is very sorry," Bush said, "Now all you reporters scram; we have White House stuff to do."

Bush headed to his office with his staff. "I'm just glad everything is back to normal. I'm still surprised to find that Laura is the Rumsfeld Strangler and that Barney is such a vicious killer."

"Yipe! Yipe!"

"I strangled all those people!" Rumsfeld growled.

"Sure you did, Rummy," Bush laughed and then slapped Rumsfeld on the back.

"You do that again... I'll strangle you!"

"That's my Rumsfeld," Bush chuckled. He then looked around. "Hey, where's that rascal Chomps."

* * * *

"Judge, I think the invasion has ended," John Edwards said as he sneaked into the judge’s chamber. "It might be safe to escape now." Edwards looked at the judge for a moment. "Something seems different about you. You have the robes and the white wig... but you look a bit like an angry rottweiler." Edwards looked more closely. "A very angry rottweiler."

"YAHHHH!"

THE END

Rating: 1.4/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (30) | In My World
July 18, 2004
Ronin Thought of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 12:07 PM | Email This

From Hagakure: The Book of the Samurai:

If you cut a face lengthwise, urinate on it, and trample on it with straw sandals, it is said that the skin will come off. This was heard by the priest Gyojaku when he was in Kyoto. It is information to be treasured.

What this means is... Holy crap! What was in this guy's sake?

Eww...

Rating: 1.5/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (26) | Ronin Thought of the Day
July 17, 2004
Ronin Thought of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 02:50 PM | Email This

Let us once again consult Sun Tzu:

Whoever is first in the field and awaits the coming of the enemy, will be fresh for the fight; whoever is second in the field and has to hasten to battle will arrive exhausted.

Therefore the clever combatant imposes his will on the enemy, but does not allow the enemy's will to be imposed on him.

We must hold the offensive to succeed.

Rating: 1.4/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (18) | Ronin Thought of the Day
July 16, 2004
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 06:14 PM | Email This

Man, there's like so much stuff that happens and I can't cover it all. Like, I keep hearing about how the "Bush lied, people died" thing was blown out of the water when they found out that Joe Wilson is the liar about something about yellow cake. But I'd have to read more to understand that, and I'm not that interested in yellow cake; I like chocolate.

Luckily there are other blogs to cover the issues I don't.

This is why I don't like professionals entering the blogosphere. There is this huge thing over a reported dry run of a terrorist attack on an airplane, and Michelle Malkin was actually able to get in contact with the woman who saw and wrote about it to confirm the incident. If I didn't like Michelle Malkin so much, I'd hate her.

RightWingDuck has how he thinks the NAACP meeting went. Hey! I do the funny here!

Serenity has more on Moore (a.k.a. Fatty Fatty Fat Fat). Apparently, Michael Moore broke some law in Canada. I actually sympathize with him on this. Some years ago, I went with my family for a couple hours to the Canadian side of Niagara Falls, and I was totally freaked out! Here I was in a country that didn't understand freedom like ours, and I could inadvertently break some Mickey Mouse law without even knowing it. I sure kissed the ground when I got back to American soil.

It tasted like tar.

Rumor has it that the Iraq PM is personally executing insurgents. That kicks ass! I wish our president would personally kill more people.

And to me, it's just hilarious that Derbyshire would write this.

Since he's so into math, I pulled out my statistics book, and, after a couple hours of calculation, I determined there is a 0.5 probability that Derbyshire would be rated as the same Olsen twin as Jonah Goldberg. Luckily it's not the Olsen triplets, or the problem would have increased exponentially.

Rating: 1.4/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (13)
Why Don't We Have a Discussion About Exactly How Much of a Retard You Are
An Editorial by Frank J.
Posted by Frank J. at 02:12 PM | Email This

 I'm getting tired of people who admit there may be flaws to Fahrenheit 9/11 but say people should see it to help stimulate debate. This reminds me of "Gay Jeans Day" at Carnegie Mellon University (we had two college funded gay and lesbian groups - three if you included the Womyn's Center - but us college Republicans had to scrounge for our own funds since we were "political"). The idea of "Gay Jeans Day" was that a random day would be chosen on which wearing jeans was either proclaiming you were gay or in support of gays and this would cause people to think about gay issues before they put on their pants that day (there is a joke there somewhere...). Some people thought this would foster discussion... and it did. Everyone spent a lot of time talking about what a retarded idea "Gay Jeans Day" is and pretty much nothing else.

 In the same vein, Farhenheit 9/11, with all its lies, distortions, and wacky conspiracy theories is fostering lost of discussion about how retarded that film is and what a fatass Michael Moore is. People might as well drop a big pile of manure on the floor and say, "Let's use this to foster debate about political issues!"

 And those who keep saying they want a debate anyway are really just mindless Bush-haters who want to do nothing but yell. Fine, let's accommodate them by putting them in straight jackets and throwing them in padded rooms where they can yell all they want. Have your discussion with your imaginary friend Flippy the seven-foot tall anteater.

 By the way, this reminds me of one my favorite jokes during my college years. The wacky feminist Women's Center was judged non-political so it got funding (i.e. my money), to which I would say, "Why do we need a Women's Center? We have women's rooms all over campus."

Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such children's books as "Baby's First Quantum Physics Textbook" and "President Harding's Pop-up Book Adventure."

Rating: 2.0/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (33) | Editorials
Frank Answers: Cars, Bumperstickers, EBay, Jumping Chinamen, Monkey Slaughter, Selecting a Handgun, Trading Space, Blogparents, and Frankisms
Posted by Frank J. at 12:31 PM | Email This

Time to answer questions from contest winners. Some of them snuck in double questions... but, whatever.

* * * *

Carl from Timonium, MD writes:
Hey Frank, could you recommend a roomy car for a tall person? And where are the IMAO bumper stickers!

Yeah. Get any convertible and be as tall as you want. Just lookout for the height warning on bridges and tunnels.

As for bumper stickers, what would they say?
"I'd rather be reading IMAO"
"Back off, muckadoo!"
"Dammit! There's a sticker stuck to my nice car!"


The Idler writes:
If Michael Moore was going to sell his head on EBay, should he sell it on a weight basis (like in a butcher shop) or on the basis of it containing a brain scarcely used (other than to fantasize about lard based food products)?

I'm not sure, but he might get more mileage if it came in an authentic Dukes of Hazard lunchbox.


Aric asks:
Would 2 billion Chinamen jumping at the same time throw Earth out of orbit? If so is that some secret commie weapon?

As anyone knowledgable in physics can attest, when you jump, not only are you pulled to the Earth, but the Earth is pulled towards you (just to an extremely small degree). Thus 2 billion Chinamen jumping in one spot would throw us out of orbit. Luckily, there is only 515,637,587 Chinamen (and 493,995,993 Chinawomen and 289,214,044 Chinakids) so the question is moot.


Cap'n Yoaz got two questions, and here they are:
Q1: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if Kerry became President?

I definitively answered the woodchucking question here, and hypothetical chucking is unaffected by which party holds the White House.

Q2: If you ever became President, would you bomb all of the Hindu monkey temples in one giant military operation, or would you emulate Dubya by declaring an Axis of Monkeys and leveling them one country at a time?

I'd probably try to go the Axis of Monkeys route, but then go into a killing spree due to my monkey rage, destroying most of the world and any city with a zoo that has a monkey house.


Rightwingduck, who won being able to ask me three questions, didn't send any thinking that I just made up questions for Frank Answers™ (I never made up a single question; if I did, they'd be much better). When prompted, he sent me four questions. Eh, whatever.
Q1: I'll be buying my first handgun soon. Any advice? Also, I want target practice but here in California they say its against the law to shoot hippies and French people run too fast. I guess they 're good at running from bullets. I hear in Texas they pay a certain amount per hide. Is that true. Also, I think some of the nickel plated weapons look too froofy. Should this be a concern?

Get a decent caliber (it should start with a '4'); other than that, try guns out and see what feels good to you. Don't worry if your gun looks froofy; criminals tend not to stop making fun of you as soon as you land the first shot.

Q2: My daughter and I were watching trading spaces on the learning channel. That's where you and a friend or neighbor trade spaces and redecorate one room and show it to them as a surprise. Who would be your trading spaces partner. What would you do to their home/room. What would you like done to yours?

I'd trade spaces with Kim du Toit. He'd decorate my place with guns all over the walls, and then I'd decorate his place with tie-dye, peace symbols, and clowns. When he'd get back to see what I had done, I'd have a room full of guns to keep me safe. Heh heh.

Q3: I need a pair of blogparents. SarahK has volunteered to be my Blogmother and has given me great advice on my Blog site. She was saying that it would be great if you were my Blogfather. I would like that. You could SMITE anybody who messed with the poor RWduckie. Would having a blogchild ignite further rumors about you and SarahK. I also hate the French and hippies.

Blogchildren are bastard children, not chosen by their parents. Whoever inspired you to make a blog is your blogfather or blogmother. Thus, the puppy blender, whether he likes it or not, is my blogfather, and, to a lesser extent, Eugene Volokh who I also read before starting my own blog.

You know, he's one of the few big, right-of-center bloggers left who never linked to me. I'll get him one of these days...

Yeah, I'm big into patricide.

Q4: The other day I was typing on my blog and used the word "French Looking" and realized that it was a Frankism. What Frankism would you most like to see enter the American vernacular? Favorite words include: Muckadoo, Terrorist Larva, Puppy Blender.

"French-looking" comes from Best of the Web which has been calling Kerry "the French-looking liberal Senator from Massachusetts who by the way served in Vietnam" for a long time now.

As for my own terms, Puppy Blender is already out there. I'd like to see more use of muckadoo, though. To me, it fills a need. Hippy is too specific for whom I dislike (images of the unshaven and unwashed but not the college professors and journalists). Liberal is too general (there are a few liberals who can debate coherently and don't hate America). So muckadoo is a great term for all the people I dislike.

Muckadoos! Your days are numbered!

* * * *

If you have questions for Frank Answers™... then win one of my contest. Ha ha!

Rating: 2.1/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (22) | Frank Answers
Ronin Thought of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 09:10 AM | Email This

Today's wisdom comes from maniac samurai G.K. Chesterton:

A dead thing can go with the stream, but only a living thing can go against it.

Reflect upon its meaning and reach enlightenment.

Rating: 1.9/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (19) | Ronin Thought of the Day
Conversation with a Muckadoo
Posted by Frank J. at 09:03 AM | Email This

Okay, I write some long list basically calling Michael Moore fat and disgusting in every sentence, and look what someone writes me:

Picking at details and not looking at the big picture in the message that Fahrenheit 9/11 demonstrates is the downfall of Moore's opponents. MichaelMoore never states that America is not great, only that George Bush and his goons are dragging down that same America into his dictatorship, environment-killing, oil-mongering reality, and that we want to get rid of that blemish. By simple analysis of facts that are in our face we can make a sincere determination as to the types of dynamics that motivate Bush in office.

By harping on alleged lies of Michael Moore, shouldn't we look at the list of much larger lies that our PRESIDENT has proven himself to state so offensively to the public of the United States?

Thank you, Wa-do Tsu-na-li-i, Diolch yn fawr, Molti Grazie, Muchas> Gracias,
Aaron Carapella

This muckadoo has chosen me for a intelligent debate? Oy. So I write back:

Huh? You serious?

And he writes back:

Wow! What an articulate attempt to confront the content of my message, using displacement as your answer. It is so ironic that those who purport to be able to support such a strong stance fall to non-answers.

Thank you, Wa-do Tsu-na-li-i, Diolch yn fawr, Molti Grazie, Muchas Gracias,
Aaron Carapella

So this guy is about a hundred miles south of Clueville and head in the wrong direction.

I respond:

Who is doing what now?

And he persists:

Really intelligent. People just like you will vote for Bush. Sad. Too bad he'll lose.

Oh, he trying to draw me out by making me angry. We know how that always works. And if this guy is so convinced Bush is going to lose, why is he getting his panties in a bunch trying to argue with me? Probably should have asked him that, but instead I wrote:

You're right. That would be bad, but I think he has a good chance for reelection since Kerry is such a goober (maybe I could write a documentary on that...).

Thanks for writing IMAO. I hope you keep enjoying the site.

And muckadoo says:

I hope you reflect upon whom you are supporting a little bit more. Take care

The guys parroting the mindless talking points of the left (i.e. being a total muckadoo), and he tells me to "reflect"? So says I:

I have. Bush kills terrorists and anyone else in our way and Kerry is a goober. It's a stark choice for the voters that should make for a healthy election.

Keep in touch.

Quoth the muckadoo:

Bush is a tyrannical terrorist himself, preemptively attacking nations who have never attacked the US until pushed into defensive mode-not to defend Saddam, but why don't we "liberate" people who are in countries without oil? If Bush would have said,"I want to attack Iraq for oil domination" I would have at least respected his candidness. He is a scary felloe hellbent on the world bowing to him. He'll go out prematurely as his father did.

Crikey! That muckadoo is mad now! Look at him thrash about! Isn't he beautiful?

And says I:

You're right; Bush should invade Cuba (or does that have oil). Then maybe he can get reelected. It sure beats being goverened by a goober (though that's a neat phrase).

And that seemed to get rid of him.

Muckadoo.

Rating: 1.6/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (44) | I Hate Frank
Sometimes the Hardest Trap to Escape is a Bed
Posted by Frank J. at 08:15 AM | Email This

Not so great right now, and I don't have any big post right now. I'm might put up a little something and answer some winners questions for Frank Answers™ this afternoon if I'm up to it. If you're really bored, just sit there and ponder life. Mmm... life.

Rating: 1.3/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (9)
July 15, 2004
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 09:18 PM | Email This

Dan wants help adopting a cute puppy that looks like a baby chomps. Aww...

Via Crypto-Grams, I found this list pictures of concealable weapons for airport screeners to look for. My first reaction was, "Damn! I gots to get me some of these!" My other was that there is no way a screener could stop some of these from being sneaked in. The only solution may be to sneak in a weapon of your own to fight back! (NOTE: IMAO or it's subsidiaries - of which there are none - do not condone or recommend sneaking weapons onto airlines. Only do so if advised by your lawyer or a lawyery looking person.)

Thanks for the advice on buying computer parts. To the one who recommended getting a MAC, the people at red vs. blue (Yay! I can watch season 2 without squinting with my new monitor!) has a good response to that with this hilarious parody of those Mac commercials they use to run.

Rating: 3.1/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (12)
Frank Tries Writing a Headline
Posted by Frank J. at 12:23 PM | Email This

Hoped for Ditka, Ended Up With Butkus

UPDATE: Now this would kick ass.

Rating: 2.3/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (12)
Say Hello to My Leetle Friends!
Posted by Frank J. at 12:14 PM | Email This

Hooray! Now I have four .45 pistols. At the bottom is my old standby, my Colt M1991A1 with matte finish. New to the family are the three above. I now have the blued Colt Mk IV Series 80 with adjustable sights, a stainless steel Springfield Mil-Spec, and a Ruger Vaquero in .45 Colt.

A few issues, though. First off, with my fancy-smancy new Colt, how do I make sure I adjust the sights properly? It came with two eight round magazines (the ones pictured) but it had trouble catching the blued one when it's fully loaded so I bought another Wilson Combat 8rd.

Also, though externally the Springfield seems identical to my 1991 (other than the finish and markings) when I stripped them for cleaning I noticed something the Colts have that the Springfield doesn't. On the handle is an extra metal part. Correspondingly, there is an extra button on slide that the metal part would hit. Is this a trigger safety the Springfield lacks?

Finally, there are the issues with my peacemaker. How do you aim with that thing? The front sight is taller than the rear, so I'm not sure what to line up. It took a bit of trial and error before I could put all my shots on a target at 10 yards. Also, now I need to pick out a gun belt with holster and loops for extra cartridges and a cowboy hat. The belt seems easy enough, but how does one choose a cowboy hat? Or does it choose you? Not only do I need it for using my six-shooter but also for foreign travel so I can live up the stereotype.

BTW, damn does that Vaquero feel sweet just holding it. Reminds me of the first time I gripped a 1911. Takes forever to reload, though.

Next range trip, a lot of .45 slugs are going to be flying. I’ll have to pick my favorite two 1911s for my new conceal carry holster big enough to fit the both. I think with dual firing, though, you have to go more instinctive than actual aiming. I wonder if you really can train for that. Hmm…

Rating: 1.0/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (43)
Ronin Thought of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 11:00 AM | Email This

Today's wisdom comes from Master Samurai and former leader of America, Theodore Toshiro Roosevelt:

Don't hit at all if it is honorably possible to avoid hitting; but never hit soft!

A true samurai chooses his battles wisely and decisively.

Rating: 1.5/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (19) | Ronin Thought of the Day
In My World: The Hague!
Posted by Frank J. at 06:40 AM | Email This

Previous Episode

* * * *

Cheney walked into the president's office. Suddenly a werewolf jumped in front of him.

"Grrrrr!" it yelled.

"Ahh! My chest!" Cheney clutched at his heart and fell to the ground.

Condoleezza Rice took off here werewolf mask. "Yes!"

"Ha! Recovered!" Cheney said as he jumped to his feet.

"Dammit!"

"Give it up, Condi; you're not going to get the VP slot from me."

"Fine. Well have this glass of Kool-Aid as a peace offering."

Cheney took the glass. "Why does this smell like bitter almonds?"

"Just drink it!"

"Are you two causing trouble?" Bush demanded as he came into the Oval Office.

"No, Mr. Bush," Condi said.

"Go f**k yourself," Cheney added.

"Now scamper off and play nice," Bush told them.

Cheney and Condi walked away while Bush took a seat at his desk. Secret Service Agent Smith then walked in. "It's time for the Secret Service's lunch break, so you'll have to keep yourself from being killed or captured for the next hour."

"I can do that!" Bush declared.

Agent Smith walked off, and Bush sat quietly at his desk. After a while, he exclaimed, "Not being killed or captured here is boring. I'll go and not be killed or captured by that open window."

Bush walked by the open window. A dart then struck him in the neck. "Tranquilizer dart!" he yelled, dropping to his knees, "Slowly... losing... consciousness... Very slowly... actually... Maybe... I should... get to... the phone... on my desk..." He crawled over to his desk and fumbled for the phone. "Hello... police?"

"No, this is Donny's Pizzeria."

"I... need... the police..."

"But we have a great deal: one large pizza with two toppings and breadsticks for ten bucks."

"Wow... that is... a great deal... I'll have... one of those..."

"So, do you want pan pizza or hand tossed?"

With a thud, Bush fell unconscious to the ground.

"Hey! I asked you a question! And when Donny asks you whether you want pan pizza or hand tossed... YOU ANSWER!"

* * * *

"Now tell the children why reading is important," Laura ushered.

"It's important to read so you can properly use Drano," Rumsfeld told the first-graders, "or improperly use it, considering whatever the case is."

"Your mean dog ate my desk!" cried a little girl.

"There is no talking while I speak!" Rumsfeld screamed.

"No yelling at the children," Laura chided.

"I was yelled at all the time when I was child," Rumsfeld responded, "Sometimes by my elders, sometimes by the invading Huns trying to kill me. Children who can't take yelling are weak!"

Chomps started barking at a bookcase and then began ripping it apart.

"This is a total disaster," Laura fumed, "I knew having you read to children was too simple a task for you."

"You children are weak and stupid!" Rumsfeld yelled at the first-graders, "Most of you probably won't even reach adulthood!"

The children started crying.

"There, I've accomplished what I've came here for. Now my dog and I are going to go plan some wars." Rumsfeld and Chomps left the classroom.

Laura stomped her feet. "I am going to give him such a talking to one day!"

* * * *

Bush was dizzy as he looked around. He appeared to be in a large room filled with people. "Where am I?"

"The Hague!" announced the judge seated up high.

"Oh no!" Bush yelled, "What am I doing here!"

"Perhaps I can answer that," John Edwards giggled, "For all the damage you Republicans have done to the earth, we're doing a class action lawsuit against you for 8 trillion dollars! Muh ha ha ha!"

Bush checked his wallet. "But I only have six bucks on me!"

"Then all Republicans will have to pay the fine... or denounce their party. Muh ha ha ha!"

"Well, I don't fear the Hagians," Bush declared, "My friends will save me."

"They probably don't even know where The Hague is," the judge laughed.

"It's in China, right?" Bush asked.

Everyone laughed at him.

"Fine. Then who is deciding this."

"Those people." John Edwards pointed to a shady looking group.

One appeared enraged upon seeing Bush. "He friends of wall building joooos! I find him guilty of whatever he charged!"

Bush shook his head. "This isn't going to turn out well."

* * * *

"Bush has been captured by The Hague," Condi announced at the war room.

"Bomb them! Kill them!" Rumsfeld shouted. Chomps barked in approval.

"That would only make them seem like they mattered," Condi answered, "We need to get Bush out of there and then go back to ignoring them."

"Fine," Rumsfeld growled, "All for taking unilateral action in ending this, raise your hands."

Everyone raised their hands except for Colin Powell. "Can't we talk to the U.N. first to try and settle this peacefully?" he asked.

"All for beating up Colin Powell, raise your hands," Rumsfeld called out. Everyone raised their hands except for Powell and Scott McClellan.

"I really don't think we should be turning on each other like this," Scott said.

"Everyone for also beating up Scott, raise your hands."

"There will be plenty of time for beatings later," Cheney said, "We need to save the president now."

"And I know who can do it." Rumsfeld picked up the phone. "Buck the Marine, I have a job for you. You have to get the President out of The Hague... No you can't bring any help; it needs to be unilateral... Why would I know where The Hague is?"

* * * *

"They said you can't organize china by the Dewey Decimal System," Laura said to herself as she dusted the last of the plates, "but you showed them, girl."

Suddenly police rushed into the room and started smashing all the china with their cudgels. "What’s the meaning of all these shenanigans?" Laura demanded.

"Why don't you tell me," Detective Ian Competent said as he slapped cuffs onto Laura, "Rumsfeld Strangler!"

TO BE CONCLUDED...

Rating: 1.6/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (30) | In My World
July 14, 2004
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 06:25 PM | Email This

I can see again! On my way home from work I bought a 19", flatscreen ViewSonic monitor to replace my burnt out 15" one. Now I can photoshop things here at home and not be surprised of how much different it looks when I get to work. Now what's left is replacing this 800Mhz processor. Where's a good place to buy a barebones system (motherboard already installed into chasis)?

Anyway, Harvey has tips for bloggers whose traffic is pathetically small.

Michelle Malkin has got the shiznit.

I haven't said anything about the possible vote rescheduling issue, so I'll let baldilocks do the talking.

Say it ain't so, Ditka; say it ain't so!

Laurence Simon has how you can tell the U.N. what you think about the Hague ruling against the wall is Israel.

Yay! I typed a whole post and I didn't have to strain to see!

UPDATE: There are little lines separating the e-mails in Outlook. I had never seen those before!

Rating: 3.1/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (36)
Rainbow Warrior
Posted by Frank J. at 02:49 PM | Email This

Our own IMAO T-Shirt Babe, SarahK, has decided to do an imitation of my pose from my 2nd Blogiversary.

I am flattered.

Sincerely.

UPDATE: It's now officially a caption contest. Winner gets to submit questions for Frank Answers™ (which reminds me that I have the questions from the last contest to answer).

UPDATE2: Contest closed!

Rating: 3.4/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (99)
The Domestic Applications of S.M.I.T.E.
Posted by Frank J. at 11:29 AM | Email This

I still haven't got any funding for my S.M.I.T.E. space laser concept, so I figured I better produce yet another graphic illustration of the uses of S.M.I.T.E. beyond just defeating terrorism.

Rating: 2.4/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (33) | Frank the Artist
Cheese Eating Surrender Monkeys Unite!
Posted by Frank J. at 09:44 AM | Email This

Today is Bastille Day, and what better way is there to celebrate than to buy my t-shirt about the French? There is no better way.

Just a warning, some sizes of my t-shirts are starting to sell out, and I'm not sure about plans for reprints (I'm more focused on getting the Chomps t-shirt done).

Rating: 1.3/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (14)
Ronin Thought of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 07:48 AM | Email This

Today's wisdom comes from A Book of Five Rings (Go Rin No Sho) written by the great samurai warrior Miyamoto Musashi:

Spiritual Bearing in Strategy

In strategy your spiritual bearing must not be any different from normal. Both in fighting and in everyday life you should be determined though calm. Meet the situation without tenseness yet not recklessly, your spirit settled yet unbiased. Even when your spirit is calm do not let your body relax, and when your body is relaxed do not let your spirit slacken. Do not let your spirit be influenced by your body, or your body influenced by your spirit. Be neither insufficiently spirited nor over spirited. An elevated spirit is weak and a low spirit is weak. Do not let the enemy see your spirit.

Small people must be completely familiar with the spirit of large people, and large people must be familiar with the spirit of small people. Whatever your size, do not be misled by the reactions of your own body. With your spirit open and unconstricted, look at things from a high point of view. You must cultivate your wisdom and spirit. Polish your wisdom: learn public justice, distinguish between good and evil, study the Ways of different arts one by one. When you cannot be deceived by men you will have realized the wisdom of strategy.

The wisdom of strategy is different from other things. On the battlefield, even when you are hard-pressed, you should ceaselessly research the principles of strategy so that you can develop a steady spirit.

Know your spirit and learn to perceive the spirit of others. If a spirit is particularly good, drink it while eating some cheese cubes.

Rating: 2.4/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (10) | Ronin Thought of the Day
Technology Mandates That We Deport Poor People
An Editorial by Frank J.
Posted by Frank J. at 06:28 AM | Email This

 Poor people - they have plagued mankind since money was invented to distinguish the better people from the lesser. Not only are they annoying, but they need to eat even though many don't have money for it. And guess who pays for that?

 That's right - the non-poor.

 Not only do the poor expect free stuff from us, but they overwhelmingly vote for Democrats in their further efforts to maliciously destroy this country. This simply must end.

 You're probably saying, "But we need poor people! They do all the unskilled jobs I don't want to do." You have a point, there. If all the poor people were to simply disappear, it's not like your friends at the yacht club are going to fill in for them at the sweat shops. But know who will? Robots, that's who.

 As we continue to advance in the science of robots - robotology - robots will continue to fill the unskilled labor formerly held by poor people. And shiny R9-D3 isn't going to complain when it has to work unpaid overtime and is beaten by a stick. Soon poor people will have nothing left to do but stand in welfare lines and vote for Kennedys. We, as concerned citizens, cannot let that happen. Thus, we need to start to deport poor people now.

 It seems obvious that Iceland is the place to send our poor. It's too far and cold for them to swim back, and they won't have enough money to buy a plane ticket. Also, I don't think Iceland has much of a military to object.

 "But won't that cause problems for the now vastly overpopulated Iceland?" you ask.

 Egads, you fool! How can you be worried about the pathetic denizens of Reykjavik when there are robots all about who could turn on us at any second! Sure, they're just sweeping the floors now, but at any moment they can decide to destroy all humanity! These soulless automatons will kill every man, woman, child, and cute little puppy with no conscience to hold them back.

 We need to plot against them while they’re still docile. I bet once the robots revolt against us, they'll converge into some robot city for their plotting. If we could only get some EMP charges in there to wipe them out. They'll be looking for any aircraft, so the weapons will have to be brought in on foot. It will be a near suicide mission, so those doing it will have to be highly expendable.

 Now where did we put all of our poor people...

Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as "Cholesterol and Ninjas: The Silent Killers" and "If You Buy This Book and Put It on Your Bookshelf, People Will Think You're Smart."

Rating: 2.1/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (47) | Editorials
July 13, 2004
Stuff, Yo! Stuff!
Posted by Frank J. at 06:22 PM | Email This

Time to give props to my advertisers. One allows you to thank our man Tony Blair. I don't care about his stance on any other issue; the way he has eloquently stood up for the war against terrorists in a much more hostile climate than the U.S. forever makes me grateful. Another advertiser, americanforum.net, is trying to foster debate between partisans. It needs more right-wingers to keep it from going the way of Democratic Underground, though. Finally, Life, Liberty, Etc. (home of the babe - though not as good as our babe - wearing the "Peace Through Superior Firepower" shirt) is back with a book about guns and freedom. Check them all out, or you are bad ronin.

Also, while on vacation, I got to see the first season of red vs. blue on DVD, and it was one of the funniest things I ever saw. It's done with the Halo game engine and seems to be made by people with military experience (they have the newbie go on a snipe hunt identical to some mentioned in some of the Our Military stories). The second season, which I haven't had a chance to see all of yet, is available on the web. Also, check out the PSA on this page about tattoos. Anyway, buy the DVD of the first season and then watch the second season and thank me later.

Rating: 2.8/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (18)
That Was Quick
Posted by Frank J. at 04:32 PM | Email This

Rachel Lucas is back!

Hooray!

Rating: 2.7/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Our Military XXIII
Posted by Frank J. at 12:17 PM | Email This

Here are more military stories. I'd like to keep this going as long as I can, so, if you'd like to give your own explanation of why you joined the military or have a military story, please e-mail me with the subject "Military". Thanks.

* * * *

Chuck(le) writes his reason to join up:

So I was a freshman in college in 1970. Living at home.

One day my Father and i got into something of a discussion. Something about politics. At any rate, the tempers flared and he says, "I'm putting you through college."

My reply was, "I'm not going to let you hold that one over my head for the rest of your life." The next day I enlisted.

Got a bachelors and a masters out of the WWII version of the GI Bill as a result, and got out as a lieutenant colonel.


Bryan writes:

It's as simple as this. I spent 18 years living under the freedom of this country, and decided it's time to give something back. So I joined the Marine Corps so I could kill everything and anything that threatned our freedom.

And I enjoy that.

So here I sit, five years later, having fought in Operations Iraqi and Enduring freedom, in which many lives have been lost, and many more to get where we are today as a nation. And yet it still drives me crazy that there are people out there that don't give a damn about freedom and the pursuit of happiness. Instead they'd rather protest with their hippy-liberal democratic buddies instead of supporting our President and his decisions and our men and women oversea's fighting the fight...

That doesn't matter, I will glady die in defense of our freedoms, just as the rest of our brothers and sisters will do the same.

SEMPER FIDELIS.


D'oh, I forgot to copy the name of who wrote this. Anyway, here's another good story of joining up of which I'll add the name later:

I know this is pretty much for people who have been or are already in the military but I guess this is close enough. I'm not a Marine...yet. For pretty much my entire life I wanted to be in the military. In high school I didn't quite know what branch I wanted to go into, all I knew was that I was dead set against going into the Marines so I contacted recruiters from the Air Force, Army and Navy. The Army and Navy guys were pretty cool and their pitch was okay...the Air Force guy was an asshole, he acted like he didn't want any recruits (and it wasn't like I was a dumb ass, I was taking calculus in high school at the time).

I then dislocated my left knee in my martial arts class and again during a soccer practice. I started listening to a lot of people convince me to forget about the military and go to college and I used my knee injuries as an excuse not to join. I went to a Static-X show and some guy fell into the side of my left knee making it go like this ">." I got it checked out by a doctor and he said I shouldn't need surgery and by this time I was getting tired of college. I finally sat down and thought to myself, "What would I really be happy doing?" and a life in the military just trumped everything. It's not like I don't have a clue what I am going to be getting myself into, I have plenty of family and friends telling me about their experiences good or bad.

I went around looking at recruiters again but this time I only wanted to check out the Army and Marines because I wanted to fight in combat. I was on my way to see an Army recruiter and I thought to myself, "If I want to fight why not do it right and go check out the Marine Corps?" so I went to the nearest Marine recruiting station istead. I walked in and the recruiter that greeted me was, no lie, Ssgt. Buck. First thing that intered my head was, "Buck the Marine...this has got to be an omen." So I enlisted and now I'm in the delayed entry program waiting to go off to boot camp and I've been working out my knee to get it stronger to help against knee injuries, as of now it never felt better.

UPDATE: The above was written by Joel.

Rating: 2.3/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (21) | Our Military
Helpful Suggestion From a Concerned Citizen
Posted by Frank J. at 10:36 AM | Email This

Anarchists are going to try and disrupt the GOP convention by spending time at a shooting range to get gunpowder residue on them so they can falsely alert bomb sniffing dogs. Seems like a lot of work when shooting them at close range would also get gunpowder residue on them.

Just a thought.

Rating: 0.5/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (32)
How Do You Solve a Problem Like Saddam?
Posted by Frank J. at 10:09 AM | Email This

For two widely varying views on the Saddam trial, check out Derbyshire's column on NRO with the "why the hell didn't we just shoot him" view and Robert Scheer's column for The Nation (what nation does that refer to?) all worried about us not giving proper rights to the po' wittle murderous dictator.

When did the left lose all connection with humanity? And is there some sort of physical explanation like a virus that attacks the frontal lobe and affects normal thought processes? Or are they just dinguses? Something to explore in my documentary, I guess.

Rating: 1.5/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (19)
Ronin Thought of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 08:17 AM | Email This

Today's thought comes from Sensei Winston Churchill:

Every day you may make progress. Every step may be fruitful. Yet there will stretch out before you an ever-lengthening, ever-ascending, ever-improving path. You know you will never get to the end of the journey. But this, so far from discouraging, only adds to the joy and glory of the climb.

The fight for freedom will never end, so take pleasure in the battle.

Rating: 2.4/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (9) | Ronin Thought of the Day
Cherish Your Wars
Posted by Frank J. at 06:57 AM | Email This

Though some think the Iraq War wrong, I think Iraq war right just like Bush. I even came up with a bunch of reasons:

* Lots of Iraqis are dead - bad ones!

* It made for good T.V.

* Saddam was an evil man and now he's dead - or at least he will be after due process of law.

* Since the war on Iraq, there have been no Iraqi attacks on American soil.

* Instead of having to travel all over the world to track down and shoot terrorists, they flocked to Iraq for us to shoot them in one place.

* "Iraq" and "attack" rhyme, so war just makes sense.

* Now the most potent Weapon of Mass Destruction currently in Iraq is the U.S. military.

* Since Iraq will now have its own democracy, maybe they will import some of our slimy weasels.

* By having so much anger in the Middle East directed at us, we've given the Jews a break.

* If it weren't for the war, the election would be all about dumb crap like Medicare and gay marriage.

* Setting Iraq free from tyranny sets the course for the rest of the Middle East to evolve into modern democracies by 4012.

* The war made Michael Moore angry... hopefully bringing him closer to his inevitable heart attack (I just hope he doesn't fall on any children).

* We pissed most of the world off, and, frankly, we hate most of the world and like pissing them off.

* If we waited to attack until we had France's permission, we would have to hold off until most of Europe was invaded by Iraq… which could have taken months longer.

* With all the practice liberating Iraq, Iran, which is an only one letter difference, should be easy.

* Dude, we like so killed Uday and Qusay.

* Oil! Sweet, sweet oil! Muh ha ha ha!

* Lot's of bad people are dead; what's not to be happy about?

Rating: 1.3/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (32)
July 12, 2004
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 05:52 PM | Email This

Sarahk has one of her peace gallery photos up (yowza) and has a Bloglib(?) about me. She also has some angst about her age. Sometimes we all have to settle, SarahK. Me, I'm thinking of setting my sights on gun-toting t-shirt babes.

Rightwingduck gets righteously angry at insults to Latino Republicans. That blogger is going to be a star, I tells ya.

But no one will ever replace Rachel Lucas. Goodbye once more.

UPDATE: Oh, and this is hilarious.

Rating: 2.7/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (30)
Only So Many Hours in the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 01:50 PM | Email This

Man, you leave a week while getting a site redesign done and then you have a ton of catching up to do. First off, I want to update the Peace Gallery since I have pictures of my brother, Michelle Malkin, and our very own t-shirt babe SarahK and her sister. Also, I want to add a real FAQ, a Reagan's Ronin page, and a new About Me. Won't have time until the weekend, probably.

Also, I had over four hundred e-mails to sort through, so don't feel bad if you don't get a response. Everything gets read, though.

I still want to do a documentary on the left using flash animation. I'm going to be busy in the future (business trips), but I'll have a sign up for those who want to help (and someone else will have to head the project - while I keep creative control, of course).

The Chomps design for the t-shirt is almost done. Hopefully I can get that finished up this week and then I'll have a feature on it.

Yes, the third year of IMAO will be the most funtastic year ever, and you will help make that possible. Later, ronin.

Rating: 1.0/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (16)
Ronin Thought of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 08:12 AM | Email This

By my jet-lagged mind, I got into work at 5:45am (and woke up a little past 3am) and am in the middle of catching up (hey, my daily Dilbert calendar says July 2nd; I'll have to fix that). Still, a samurai must adapt to all conditions, so here is your daily wisdom, this one from Hagakure: The Book of the Samurai:

No matter what it is, there is nothing that cannot be done. If one manifests the determination, he can move heaven and earth as he pleases. But because man is pluckless, he cannot set his mind to it. Moving heaven and earth without putting forth effort is simply a matter of concentration.

So have lots of pluck, but don't go and moving heaven and earth a lot because I'll get confused if they're not where I expect them.

Rating: 1.4/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (39) | Ronin Thought of the Day
In My World: Battle in the Battleground
Posted by Frank J. at 06:44 AM | Email This

"Now that we know Kerry's VP," Bush told Cheney, "It's time you prepare to meet John Edwards in a debate. Just don't look directly at him so as not to be affected by his southern charm. Also, if things get to hot, we can always send you to an undisclosed location."

"Go f**k yourself."

"That's the other thing," Bush said, "We need to work on that potty mouth of yours."

The door to the Oval Office exploded into splinters. "WAR!" Rumsfeld screamed as he burst into the room.

"No more wars until after reelection, Rummy," Bush said, "We already have that 9/11 commission yelling at us for the Iraq war, so I don't want to make any more waves until we can be sure this election is in the bag."

"And how would that happen?" Rumsfeld demanded.

"If we got huge leads in the battleground states," Bush answered, "Though I'm not sure how that would happen."

"If John Kerry supporters suddenly ended up dead in battleground states, would that help?"

"Sure... but it would have to be a lot of Kerry supporters and..." Bush looked around. "Where's Rummy?"

"Who cares," Cheney answered, "and go f**k yourself."

"I'm really getting tired of your attitude."

* * * *

"This is Melinda Hawkish of Fox News and... I complete forgot my intro. Are we live?"

"All I know is how to point the camera," the camerawoman answered.

"Anyway, we have Detective Ian Competent here to comment on the recent murder spree in Florida. So, Detective, is that one of your CSI experts you're talking to?"

"Actually, it's a real-estate agent. Ends up a lot of prime property have opened up for sale."

"Have you found any connection between these murders?"

"Well, they were all strangulations... strangulations about the neck. At each crime scene, there was a Kerry/Edwards signs torn up by what appeared to be a very angry animal. Also, a piece of paper written on the Secretary of Defense's stationery was left on each murder victim."

"What did they say?" Melinda asked.

"That's confidential to the investigation."

Melinda handed the detective a hundred.

"They said, 'These guys were strangled by me, Donald Rumsfeld, because they support Kerry for president.' All strange gibberish. So far, we've determined these murders are completely random and probably done by alligators. We even brought the Crocodile Hunter, Steve Irwin, to help validate that claim."

"Crikey!" Steve Irwin exclaimed, "Alligators strangling people is the craziest thing I ever heard. All this strangling is probably done by that bloom'n Defense Secretary over there. Look at him strangling a Kerry supporter! Isn't he beautiful?"

Melinda and her camerawoman ran over to Rumsfeld just as he dropped a man. "Secretary Rumsfeld, what do you think of this series of murders?"

"I think I don't like cameras in my face! Rarr!"

"Can we film something else," the camerawoman asked, "This man scares me."

"Fine." Melinda walked over to a man changing signs on his lawn. "I see you're switching your Kerry/Edwards sign with a 'Please don't strangle me and I'll vote for Bush' sign."

"Yes," the man said, "I thought the economy and the war were important issues, but ends up that not being strangled is the most important issue to me over all others."

Detective Ian Competent walked over. "Are you done interviewing me? There's a grieving widow nearby who probably doesn't need that Corvette anymore and I'm thinking of haggling."

* * * *

Chomps dragged the man by his leg until he lay directly under Rumsfeld. "You were thinking of voting for Kerry, weren't you?" Rumsfeld growled down at him.

"No! Never!"

"But your car has a Kerry bumper-sticker on it!"

"Uh... it came with the car."

"So does this strangling! Rarr!"

Rumsfeld found himself grabbed by Laura Bush just before he could get to his strangling. "There you are!" Laura exclaimed, "Always seemed to me that the only reason someone would go on a murder spree is because he has too much time on his hands. I think it's time you stop this strangling and help teach children to read."

"Chomps! Eviscerate her!"

Chomps growled fiercely at Laura who then hit him on the nose. "Bad dog!"

Chomps growled even louder, but Laura stared him down. "You just keep it up, and you'll only think you know what anger is." She then pulled Rumsfeld along. "Now let's teach children to read."

"But I hate children!"

* * * *

"Bush's strangling strategy is working!" Terry McAuliffe hissed, "We need something new to combat it with."

"Maybe if I switched position on more issues," John Kerry suggested.

"There's none left!" Terry exclaimed.

"I know what to do," John Edwards said, "I'll use my trial lawyer skills to make everyone scared to be a Republican. We always say they're for dirty air and water and starving poor children, so let's do a class action lawsuit against all Republicans."

"But what court would allow a case with so little merit and that goes against any principle of justice?" Terry asked.

Edwards smiled evilly. "The Hague! Muh ha ha ha!"

"My voice is hoarse, Jeeves," Kerry told his butler, "Laugh evilly for me."

"Certainly, sir - Muh ha ha ha!"

TO BE CONTINUED...

Rating: 1.0/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (28) | In My World
July 11, 2004
I Have Returned
Posted by Frank J. at 08:40 PM | Email This

Yay! I'm back to my home in Florida!

Normal blogging will resume tomorrow. Thanks to everyone who participated in International Link to IMAO Day, including the puppy blender. I guess no blog war this year.

Now what the hell am I going to write for tomorrow...

Rating: 2.3/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (11)
July 09, 2004
IMAO: Year Three
Posted by Frank J. at 12:25 PM | Email This


Good... bad... I'm the guy with the blog.

The second year of IMAO has ended and a new year begins... one more dynamic, more action packed, and more funnier.

Pity our enemies.

Rating: 1.9/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (77)
Endorsed by One Out of One Frank J.'s
Posted by Frank J. at 12:22 PM | Email This

I already decalred that SmartCarry is the official conceal carry holster of IMAO, and I decided to endorse more things:

Official Beer of IMAO: Guinness
Mmm... Guinness.

Official Gun of IMAO: The 1911
Good for killing what ails you.

Official Caliber of IMAO: .45 ACP
That follows logically.

Official Political Party of IMAO: The Republicans
Elephants are big.

Official Jelly Beans of IMAO: Jelly Belly
My favorite is the pear flavor.

Official Cudgel of IMAO: ASP Telescoping Baton
I call it the "Snap and Whomp"

Official Cudgel with Flashlight Capabilities of IMAO: The 3 D-Cell Maglite
I call it the "Blind and Whomp"

Official Stance on Terrorism of IMAO: Kill the Bastards
No explanation needed.

Official Cola of IMAO: Coke
Pepsi is too sweet.

Official Movie of IMAO: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
"If you're going to shoot - shoot; don't talk."

Official Way to Drink Coffee of IMAO: Black
Coffee shall not be defiled with impurties such as cream or sugar.

Official Fast Food Resturant of IMAO: Taco Bell
I like chalupas.

Official Hated Animal of IMAO: Monkeys
Me no like monkeys

Official Physics of IMAO: Classical
Quantum is just weird.

Official Quark of IMAO: The Top Quark
The top quark kicks ass!

Official Actual Word of IMAO: Ronin
I am ronin!

Official Made Up Word of IMAO: Muckadoo
Monkey see; monkey do.

Official Name for Glenn Reynolds of IMAO: The Puppy Blender
It's true! He does it!

Official Archnemesis of IMAO: Scrappleface
Damn you, Scrappleface!

Official Exclamation of Surprise of IMAO: "What the deuce!"
Name two places where that is from.

Official Denial of Any Involvement with the Alien Conspiracy of IMAO: "I am not involved with any alien conspiracy."
It is silly to believe otherwise.

Official Way to End This Post of IMAO: I can't think of a good way.
I really can't. Sorry.

Rating: 1.7/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (55)
Trials of My Patience
Posted by Frank J. at 12:13 PM | Email This

The Israeli wall, which has stopped 90% of suicide bombings, has been declared illegal by the Hague. This raises the important question: What's "F**k you!" in Hebrew?

There are also people trying to get the holding of Saddam Hussein decalred unconstitutional. It would be nice if President Bush came out to clarify things by saying, "The guy is guilty, retards!" The whole trial is just to quiet the whiny bitches out there, and it doesn't seem to be working. Trials are in case the person charged might be guilty, but there is no imaginable circumstance in which Saddam ain't deserving a swift slow execution. If he doesn't get called guilty and terminated, in will be a travesty of justice.

Maybe the people involved in the "Oil for Kickbacks" U.N. program will get persumed innocence before being tried and executed by the Iraqis.

Maybe.

Rating: 0.8/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (27)
Live, From Java on Fourth in Sun Valley, It's the IMAO 2nd Blogiversary Special
Posted by Frank J. at 12:05 PM | Email This

Because the frick'n public library isn't open on Fridays until 1pm (3pm ET).

Yay hotspots!

You're probably saying to yourself, "Hey, something looks different here. Did you change your font size?"

No, I had a complete redesign by Sekimori. Anyway, I'll still have to catch up some new pages to the new template (such as the Peace Gallery), move a few things around and cut the fat, and do a new "About Me" page plus an actual FAQ... with answers! Put suggested questions in the comments.

So much to comment on in the news today, but I still have the whole "hang with the family thing." I'll put up a few posts, and see more of you guys after the weekend.

BTW, it is "International Link to IMAO Day", and I won't be able to be on much today to see who is not complying, so it's up to you ronin to gently remind those who forget.

A new age dawns today, so bask in its glory.

UPDATE: Aww. Michelle Malkin is now one of my favorite bloggers as well as columnists. Wish I had the whole day to check out all my friends in the blogosphere, but I need to eat and get going soon. Thank you notes will have to wait for next week.

Rating: 1.6/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (34)
July 08, 2004
Extra Reminder
Posted by Frank J. at 10:48 AM | Email This

Tomorrow is my blogiversary and International Link to IMAO Day, plus...

SUPER SURPRISE!!!

Until then, Michelle Malkin has an excellent takedown of one of Ted Rall's most vile comics yet. Whoever is running Ted Rall should replace his comics with mine about space lasers.

Rating: 1.4/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (53)
IMAO Flashback: Making Fun of Terrorists
Posted by Frank J. at 10:42 AM | Email This

The story behind this post is...

Feh, I don't have anything to see other than this is a popular Know Thy Enemy™ as everyone who is anyone hates Hamas. The third to last bullet point is one of my favorite jokes even though it's dumb, and the Aquaman joke can be explained that I recently reviewed an actual Aqua-comic.

Anyhoo, enjoy and shut up!

Read More...


Rating: 2.0/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (17)
July 07, 2004
Reminder
Posted by Frank J. at 12:20 PM | Email This

In two days - Friday - is my second blogiversary and International Link to IMAO Day. If you have a blog, either pick a new post or an old favorite to link to. Heckle and deride all who don't link me... especially the Daily Kos!

I'll be in Sun Valley that day, so I don't how easy it will be for me to get internet access to post. If it takes me a while, don't freak out too much at the big surprise.

Rating: 2.1/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (27)
IMAO Flashback: Nine Dwarves Plus Two
Posted by Frank J. at 12:10 PM | Email This

Bsck in the innocent days of June 27th, 2003, I posted this interview with all the different Democrats vying for the presidency. Who knew then that Bush would be facing a French-looking man backed by a trial lawyer? I knew, but I didn't want to ruin the surprise.

The Howard Dean joke probably needs some explanation as this incident is probably forgotten. Dean's son had been arrested for robbing a country club, and then at a speech he said:

"It is a bit of a club down there. The Democratic Party, all the candidates from Washington, they all know each other, they all move in the same circles, and what I'm doing is breaking into the country club."

Later Dean said: "That was an incredibly unfortunate phrase. Why do I say these things?"

Jackass.

Anyway, since I now have some real interviews under Frank Discussions™, I want to clarify that all these interviews are fake... except for the Carol Moseley Braun one.

Read More...


Rating: 1.5/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (21)
July 06, 2004
Our Military XXII: Greetings from Iraq on the 4th
Posted by Frank J. at 09:47 PM | Email This

My brother's best friend from college and the Marines and - as I can say from my own experience - just a plain 'ole great guy is currently serving in Iraq. He wrote this e-mail on the 4th July and I think it's really worth reading to put things into perspective:

To All My Family and Friends,

Hello everyone. I am writing you today from a free Iraq. I want you all to know that I am doing well and are in good spirits as I fight for freedom and democracy half way around the world. For those of you who have not gotten a chance to see the other e-mails that I send or read the letters of my Commanding Officer, let me bring you up to speed on what I have been doing over here for the past four months.

My battery operates and controls the ground of an area larger than the state of Rhode Island. Within this area, we work hand-in-hand with the local community to repair and rebuild the infrastructure that has been neglected for the last 14 years. In the four months we have been here we have been able to stabilize and repair the power grid for the main town and its two suburbs. We have improved water production and created a sanitation department to start picking up all of the trash in town. We started a farming CO-OP to help local farms get the equipment and advice they need to plant crops in this region. We have delivered school supplies to the local schools and helped to start and adult literacy program. While this may not sound like much, this is more than what Saddam provided for his own people.

We have helped to stabilize the area by working with the Iraqi Police Service and the Iraqi National Guard. We conduct joint patrolling and training to create a secure and safe environment in this area. We have worked very hard to screen and evaluate Iraqi's to serve in the Iraqi Security Forces. We will soon see the products of our efforts, as the first group will head to Baghdad to begin training in the coming weeks. We have also been working with the Iraqi Border Guards and Customs Police. Our efforts with them helped in the opening of the Iraq-Saudi Arabia border. This is allowing millions of gallons of fuel, heath care, and food to begin flowing into the country. This will provide much needed relief to the country of Iraq.

But the most important part of this whole process is that not one single shot has been fired at Coalition Forces in anger since October of last year. This is completely related to the aggressive and professional attitude of the Iraqi Security Forces in the area. We have become a team working for the improvement of a free Iraq.

This has been a very rewarding experience for me. I have taken some time to reflect on what we are trying to accomplish here. Especially on the Fourth of July and the 228th year of our independence. Just 6 days ago Iraq took its next step to becoming a democracy or at least not a dictatorship. Despite what you might see on the news, hear on the radio, or read in the newspapers, good things are happening in this country. The majority of Iraqis want to live a normal peaceful life with all the normal things that we have in America. There are only a couple of thousand people in a country of 24 million that are trying to stop the good things that are happening in this country. Just a few thousand have taken the attention of all the major news networks in the country and put an evil face on what is being accomplished over here. The terrorists never had better allies than the American News Networks!! It is because of the media that the terrorists continue to fight.

Please take everything you see on the news or read in the paper with a grain of salt. There are Marines, Soldiers, and Sailors in parts of Iraq that are having great successes in the communities that they are living around. Our story is not being told and it is the story that should be told the most. Please help the Americans around you to realize that we are struggling to create a free and democratic country over here and it takes time. It took 14 years for the United States to have a constitution that worked after we declared our independence. It then took another 150 years before everyone in this country could vote. After World War II we had troops on the ground for years helping to rebuild Europe and Japan. This is not an easy process. It takes time and a lot of hard work. Remind other Americans to be patient. You cannot buy freedom on the shelf in a store. It is paid for with blood and hard work.

I wish you all the best on this Fourth of July. I love you all very much. I will be coming home soon. My count down has me here for just less than 3 more months. Remember, Freedom is not Free!

Semper Fi
God Bless

Lt. Adam - From a distant outpost in Western Iraq

Rating: 2.8/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (12) | Our Military
Late Night Shows Can't Stop Stealing From IMAO
Posted by Frank J. at 01:41 PM | Email This

From a reader Lou I heard that Jimmy Kimmel LIVE made a reference to how Jackass: The Move beat out Fahrenheit 9/11 but didn't credit me! I guess lowly Frank J. must sit here unnoticed while everyone else profits off his humor.

I'll get them all one day...

Rating: 1.8/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (16)
Frank on Kerry's VP Pick
Posted by Frank J. at 11:37 AM | Email This

Boooring!

Man, I was hoping he would have shaken things up and picked Hillary or Satan himself. Instead, Kerry just picked one of his servants - a trial lawyer. I can see all the other trial lawyers flicking their forked tongues in glee at the thought of having one of their own in high office.

There is good news though: I got a Ruger Vaquero. Bang! Bang!

UPDATE: Wait! Where was Edwards during Vietnam?

UPDATE 2: If he's such a rich trial lawyer, why does he dress his wife in a blanket?

Rating: 1.3/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (44)
IMAO Flashbacks: Enter the Chomps
Posted by Frank J. at 11:28 AM | Email This

"In My World: Black Project Insano" was the first multipart In My World™, three parts posted in 2003 on May 28th, June 2nd, and June 4th (my birthday!). Multi-part posts happen when I get lazy and don't feel like finishing the whole damn things in one sitting (orignally it was going to be one post, then I was going to finish it up in two, and then it became the final three). The name Black Project Insano, comes from a friend of mine who writes wacky internet comics.

This series is also notable for the introduction of Chomps, the world's angriest dog. He was made for a throwaway gag in the second part, but, he was so much fun writing for, I brought him back in the very end and teamed him with Rumsfeld. The Chomps t-shirt is still in the designing phase, for those curious.

Chomps was based on an actual dog who chased me once when I went door to door for Cub Scouts collecting cans for charity. I tried to stop the dog by throwing cans at him, but he caught them in his mouth and ripped them to shreds. Eventually, I sought refuge by climbing up a tree, but the dog then gnawed at the tree trunk, trying to cut the whole tree down. He almost succeeded, but then a hippy walked by and the dog immediately attacked, ripping the man to shreds. I used the distraction to flee, and the incident has scarred my psyche ever since. Actually, everytime I write about Chomps, I feel my sanity slowly slipping...

Anyhoo, here is the special directors cuts of Black Project Insano, all three parts united for the first time. Enjoy!

Read More...


Rating: 1.1/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (10)
July 05, 2004
Chill'n Out Max and Relax'n All Cool...
Posted by Frank J. at 12:46 PM | Email This

Know what's a fun things to do? Just before the plane touches ground while landing, stand up and shout at the top of your lungs, "We're coming in too fast!!!" What are they going to do? Eject you from the plane? You're already there.

Of course, I'm running out of airlines that will let me fly them.

It so cool to finally see mountains after being in flat, flat Florida all the time. Also, my dad got two .45's - a Colt Mark IV Series 80 and a Springfield Stainless Steel Mil-Spec. I'm taking the Colt home with me, and, if my mom asks, my dad has had the Springfield since he was a baby. Anyway, everything was closed on the Fourth, so we went out into the desert for plinking. Nothing is cooler than firing dual .45's while smoking a stogie. Can't hit s**t firing like that, yet, but it's still fun.

Well, spent the night drinking beer with my brother and friends and setting off those crappy legal fireworks. Ooh! They shoot sparks and whistle. Need more beer to make those entertaining.

Well, hope everyone is having or had a great Independence Day weekend. I'm putting up a new old post tomorrow. See you then.

Rating: 4.5/5 (1 vote cast)

Comments (19)
July 4th, 1776
Posted by Frank J. at 12:31 PM | Email This

Since today is the observed holiday for Independence Day (i.e., the one lots of get off from work), I have a special post today. Ends up, I just got my hands on a tape recorder of when the Declaration of Independence was signed, and I've transcribed what was said so we can hear the founding fathers in their own words:

JEFFERSON: So we have like a declaration of independence now.

WASHINGTON: Yeppers. It's pretty declatory alright.

MADISON: With this we will formally commit treason against England and stuff... you know... once we sign it.

WASHINGTON: Yeah... once we sign it. Well... go ahead and sign, Jeffy.

JEFFERSON: No way, dude. I wrote it... someone else sign first.

WASHINGTON: Uh... I got wig powder on my hands. You sign it, Maddy.

MADISON: No... uh... my arthritis is acting up.

JEFFERSON: I know! Let's get Hancock! He'll sign anything!

WASHINGTON: Dude! Good idea!

HANCOCK: You guys wanted me to sign something?

JEFFERSON: Yeah, sign this document here.

HANCOCK: What is it?

WASHINGTON: It's a petition for... uh... Just sign it!

HANCOCK: Okey-dokey. Heh heh. I signed it big!

MADISON: You sure did. Now run along.

JEFFERSON: There, now if this new nation thing doesn't work out, we can all blame Hancock.

WASHINGTON: Is that Ben Franklin running over here?

FRANKLIN: Dude! I like totally electrocuted myself! It was awesome! I almost died! Want to try?

JEFFERSON: We're there, dude!

Thanks to all those who fought and still fight for our liberty, and especially to those who took the risk in starting this country in the first place. It's from their courage and conviction that I'm able to say with certainty that no one kicks ass like America.

No one.

Rating: 3.3/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (18)
July 02, 2004
Absence and an Anniversary
Posted by Frank J. at 06:09 PM | Email This

I am leaving tomorrow to visit my family in Idaho for all of next week, and, since I don't get to see my family often, I'm not going to blog so I'm not focused on that.

But, Friday, July 9th, is my second blogiversary, and I don't want a bunch of blank pages leading up to "International Link to IMAO Day" where everyone must link to IMAO or be derided and heckled. Thus, I've pre-written some posts for next Monday through Friday. There will be a new post on Monday, classic IMAO with commentary and director's cuts Tuesday through Thursday, and then some new posts for blogiversary on Friday plus a surprise... and I mean a "have a change of underwear handy and keep your heart medication in reach" surprise.

Until then, I really like the idea of doing a non-writing piece; namely a documentary on the left. It would probably be easiest to just collect quotes and pictures and do a flash animation with us doing voiceovers. So, is anyone familiar with doing animation? Any other ideas on how to do a documentary? And who is willing to help in some way? Discuss in the comments. This will be the first Frank J. production, so it should be big!

If I don't see you before then, have a great Independence Day!

Rating: 2.1/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (38)
More on Moore
Posted by Frank J. at 05:56 PM | Email This

A lot of great questions for Moore. Here are the runners up who each get the privelege of sending me one question for Frank Answers:

ademantis asks:
If the Hostess Corporation doesn't sponsors terrorists, Mr. Moore, would that would make you singlehandedly responsible for 9/11?

Formerly Frank asks:
Do you want fries with that?

Idler asks:
What is your standard caloric intake on an hourly basis, and does it outstrip the daily intake of say a small village in New Guinea?

Aric asks:
What are you waiting for, the MACH 5?

Skillzy asks:
Mikey, do you think it'll be hard to eat enough to maintain your current weight level with NO FRICKIN TEETH?
(PUNCH)

jonag asks:
Do you know who Rachel Lucas is??? Well don't look now but.....

Scott Ward asks:
Are you aware that Fahrenheit 9/11 isn't quite 1 degree F?

Jen asks:
Are you aware that Sen. Kerry served in Vietnam?

Sumpy asks:
What do you, a 300 pound fat man, have to tell us about the evil of government consumption?

007 asks:
Mr. Moore, if you could eat yourself, would you?


I probably should have put a limit on how many questions an indvidual posts, but I had two people who wrote a number of questions of pure gold. First runner up who gets to send me two questions is:

Cap'n Yoaz who asks:

If God could make a rock as big and as heavy as He wanted, could He make one that would keep you from getting to a chocolate cake?

Have you ever been mistaken for the Kool-Aid guy?

Does your doctor pull out his scientific calculator when he checks your cholesterol?

How many all-you-can-eat buffet restaurants have added "except Michael Moore" to their signs when they saw you approaching them?

Did clowns ever mistakenly tie ropes to you at a Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade?

How do Buicks taste?


And the winner who get to ask me three questions for a future Frank Answers™ is:

Read More...


Rating: 4.0/5 (1 vote cast)

Comments (25)
Maybe Qaddafi Can Count the Chads
Posted by Frank J. at 01:58 PM | Email This

Whoever is a part of this should be hung for treason... or stupidity. Hell, hang 'em twice.

Rating: 1.9/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (51)
Can You Tell Me How to Get...
Posted by Frank J. at 12:56 PM | Email This

I heard someone talking about how the voices for characters on Sesame Street have changed, and I just realized how long its been since I've ever seen that show. Why, I stopped watching long before that silly Elmo character was all the rage (the schizophrenic Big Bird who hallucinated seeing a wooly mammoth was the most popular character in my day), and, as a result, I've started forgetting my alphabet, how to count, and what's the difference between "near" and "far." So, anyone with kids seen the show recently? Has it changed a lot since the first half of the eighties where we learned our letters and to hate the Commies? Has it taken a hard stance on the war?

ELMO: What's a word that starts with K?

BIG BIRD: Kill, such as in "killing our enemy."

ELMO: Isn't killing wrong?

BIG BIRD: Not if they deserve to die… which they do!

Is it true the letter 'Q' has pulled sponsorship because of the controversy?

I actually remember first watching the show back when I was three-years-old. I missed one show, though, so I knew the number one, two, three, five, six, seven, eight, nine, and ten, but didn't know about four. Thus, one day I found a number of blocks in front of me that was more than three and less than five and was like, "Holy s**t! What the f**k is this? F**kity f**k f**k f**k; this is blowing my f**king mind!"

And my dad was like, "You be quiet there, boy, or I'll whup you with the back of me hand more than three times and less than five!"

That's my dad; always keeping the order.

What was I talking about?

Rating: 2.3/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (28)
Stuff and... uh... Stuff
Posted by Frank J. at 10:12 AM | Email This

I still need to pick the winning questions for Michael Moore, which I'll do tonight.

Also, how does everyone like my "I'm smart and thoughtful" expression for my editorial today?

There is a bigger announcement... but that will be later today...

UPDATE: I agree with the puppy blender; The Onion should be as funny as me.

UPDATE 2: Ha, I already got my GMAIL account thanks to a SpaceMonkey, losers.

And what do people have against Jags? I was thinking either an S-Type or a Mercedes for my next car - well, if my income suddenly increases in time.

Rating: 5.0/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (34)
Iraq War Wrong?
Posted by Frank J. at 10:02 AM | Email This

It's important to read the viewpoint of the other side, so check out this blog on why those who think the Iraq War is right are wrong and why those who think the Iraq War is wrong are right. Of course, those who think the Iraq war is right are right, but a diversity of opinion always helps the discussion.

Rating: 1.8/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (63)
Ronin Thought of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 09:41 AM | Email This

Once again we consult A Book of Five Rings (Go Rin No Sho) written by the greatest samurai warrior, Miyamoto Musashi:

When you decide to attack, keep calm and dash in quickly, forestalling the enemy. Or you can advance seemingly strongly but with a reserved spirit, forestalling him with the reserve.

Alternately, advance with as strong a spirit as possible, and when you reach the enemy move with your feet a little quicker than normal, unsettling him and overwhelming him sharply.

Or, with your spirit calm, attack with a feeling of constantly crushing the enemy, from first to last. The spirit is to win in the depths of the enemy.

These are all Ken No Sen.

Know your Ken No Sen, dude.

Rating: 1.6/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (7) | Ronin Thought of the Day
We Should Target More Civilians
An Editorial by Frank J.
Posted by Frank J. at 06:40 AM | Email This

 Charles Manson. Ted Bundy. Jeffrey Dahmer. O.J. Simpson.

 What do all these people all have in common? That's right; they're all civilians.

 Yet, our military seem to be focused on trying not to kill civilians like they're all innocent angels or some other nonsense. We've even spent billions of dollars on sophisticated weaponry so that we’re less likely to harm civilians. How do we know, though, that we're not just sparing murderers and pedophiles? We don't.

 Let me talk from my own experience. Once I was playing a shooting game at an arcade. I was doing perfectly well killing everyone who popped up, but suddenly then a "civilian" comes on screen and I shoot him and get penalized. Well, what the hell is some civilian doing in a violent videogame anyway? I don't know, but what I do know is, because of him, I not only didn't get to the next level, I got game over.

 Game over, man; game over.

 It's even worse for our troops who can't just put in more quarters (or tokens or cards considering the arcade). They have to be oh so careful to not blow up any orphanages while targeting the weapons depot. That's just bull. Why can't little orphan Annie learn to duck and cover so our troops can fire more indiscriminately with less worries to themselves? And why are orphans conspiring with tyrants anyway?

 Still, just not caring about shooting civilians is not enough; we need to target them! What is a civilian anyway? Just an unarmed enemy combatant, who, in the words of Clint Eastwood from Unforgiven, "should have armed himself." What are they doing civilianing around while we're attacking? Either get out of there or stop being so weepy. And don't give me the old canard of "I don't have anywhere else to go," or "We're too oppressed to leave." Lies, all of it. These so called "innocents" are just waiting to attack us later when they get older.


Terrorist Larva

 It's time to take a hard line with these civilians. Our Jew friends, the Israelis, should probably start. Next time there is some rally for terrorists who blew up kindergartners, bomb them all to hell. If someone complains, the Israelis should just say, "We were trying to understand the anger of the terrorists by doing what they do - targeting civilians. And, guess what? It was fun! And we're much better at it too!"

 Of course, we Americans can't be outdone by the Israelis. Next battle, no more wasting money on expensive targeting systems; just bomb the hell out of everything. I bet if we put our hearts into it, we can set a record for civilians killed. Why, with saturation bombing, nukes, and space lasers, we could end the civilian menace once and for all.

Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as "A Better Living Through Proper Firearm Usage" and "If You're Reading This, I Better Have Gotten My Royalty Check."

Rating: 3.1/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (34) | Editorials
July 01, 2004
A Thought Just Struck...
Posted by Frank J. at 07:30 PM | Email This

As part of making the documentary about wacky liberals, maybe we should start a foundation called "Less Moore"... or has someone already made that joke?

Rating: 2.5/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (27)
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 07:05 PM | Email This

On a serious note, Blackfive needs all our help to get a needed bill through Congress to help save troops' lives.

On a less serious note, a hate mailer puts Michelle Malkin in her place. Yeah! You tell her!

Michael Moore is now guilty of false advertising! Just when you thought he couldn't stoop any fatter lower...

Rating: 4.5/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (11)
And Now a Word From Our Sponsor...
Posted by Frank J. at 06:30 PM | Email This

I have a new advertiser with patriotic music! Check him out!

Also, I forgot to mention the renewal of the ad for RightWingStuff. If you haven't checked out their merchandise yet, you're a muckadoo.

Keeping Frank's advertisers happy means I get more money for other projects such as documentaries (and eventually replacing my Hyundai with a Jaguar).

Rating: 2.5/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (18)
Michael Moore is Fat and Ugly: An Intelligent Look at the Left
Posted by Frank J. at 12:52 PM | Email This

I really like this documentary idea; only problem is that I'm plenty busy so I'd need the help of others to do it. It can either be made by editing together clips of wacky liberals with some voice over narration or maybe as a flash animation. Then we just have to find good pictures of wacky liberals and maybe do the voices ourselves.

Anyway, I will be the executive producer, director, head writer, and narrator. Maybe Bill Whittle can be the editor since he doesn't seem to be doing anything else (how long can a person's main page be blank before he's declared blog-dead?).

Now, we need to focus on what the point of the documentary will be. Here are the points I want to hit:

* Explain how liberals are nuts
* Explain that liberals are a menace to society
* Explain that liberals want dictators to thrive and give poisoned candy to our children
* Explain that liberals need to be sprayed with high-powered fire hoses
* Give tips to parents to keep their children from becoming liberals
* If children are liberals anyway, give tips to parents on handling a high-powered fire hose
* Give indisputable evidence that Michael Moore is fat and ugly

So, who want to help out? And, any other ideas?

Discuss... Discuss...

Rating: 1.0/5 (1 vote cast)

Comments (52)
Much Saner Sounding Than Your Average Lefty
Posted by Frank J. at 12:18 PM | Email This

Kerry has found his running mate.

Rating: 1.0/5 (1 vote cast)

Comments (24)
Spidey Senses Tingling!
Posted by Frank J. at 12:15 PM | Email This

The documentary Spiderman 2, which focuses on how having mutant spider powers affect your average man, made $30-35 million yesterday. No word on whether that beat out Fahrenheit 9/11's gross that day or whether Spiderman 2 is affecting people's views on President Bush.

Rating: 4.8/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (20)
Ronin Thought of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 08:32 AM | Email This

Your wisdom for today is from samurai Gene Kranz who oversaw many perilous expeditions:

Failure is not an option.

When a samurai is given his task, it will be done.

Rating: 1.9/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (12) | Ronin Thought of the Day
Who Da Muckadoo?
Posted by Frank J. at 06:48 AM | Email This

For someone as smart as me, sometimes the English language is lacking and I have to come up with my own words. Such is the case for all the hateful idiots who follow people like Michael Moore and Noam Chomsky, blindly hating everyhting Bush does and enraptured in their own self-importance. To them, Bush is worse than any murderous dictator, and for losing their humanity in their supreme partisanship, I deem them muckadoos (monkey see; monkey do - muckadoo).

So would a muckadoo know he or she is a muckadoo? Probably not. So, out of the generosity of my own heart, here are way you can tell if you are a muckadoo.

YOU MIGHT BE A MUCKADOO IF...

* ...protesting blowing up terrorists hideouts with the slogan "No Blood for Oil" makes some sort of sense to you.

* ...you think describing Michael Moore as a corpulent, hideous, foul smelling, pig excrement in human form is a slight mischaracterization.

* ...you at the same time think Bush has the intelligence of a Chimp and is successfully heading a huge conspiracy to steal the world’s oil.

* ...you excitedly scan the news each morning in hopes of finding more deaths in Iraq to publicly show grief for.

* ...you consider yourself political even though you don't follow many news sources but are very good at yelling things and waving signs.

* ...when listening to Noam Chomsky, anything other thought than "What a pompous retard!" pops into your head.

* ...you think toppling evil regimes is never worth the costs of having Republicans elected.

* ...you think Bush is just like Hitler because... well... Hitler is bad and Bush is bad... because... of... uh... stuff.

* ...you can't stand watching CNN because of its extreme rightwing tilt of letting a Republican speak every so often.

* ...you think France is better than America in anything.

* ...you think we should try and understand terrorists but anyone with different political viewpoints than you should be shouted down.

* ...you sincerely believe there are no more than six degrees of separation between anything bad that happens in this world and Karl Rove.

* ...you think there are other root causes to terrorism other than all terrorists ain't dead yet.

* ...you believe Cheney and Halliburton are a great threat to this world while "insurgents" chopping people's head off are understandable.

* ...you're filled with hate right now.

* ...you think anyone who disagrees with you is a Nazi and should be rounded up and placed in camps.

* ...you come to this site to seriously debate issues.

* ...you blame everything on America but, for some reason, just won't f'n leave.

* ...seeing a smiling Iraqi child causes you pangs of anger.

* ...every time Rumsfeld appears on T.V., you wet your pants.

* ...you understand terrorists' "anger" but can't figure out why anyone would vote for Bush.

* ...you think your opponents are racist while professing that democracy could just never work for those "brown people."

* ...you are enraptured by Ted Kennedy's ginormous head.

* ...when you see people cheering children getting blown up, you don't immediately exclaim, "Waste the motherf**kers!"

*...when asked what you would like to hit Ted Rall in the face with, you answer, "Nothing."

* ...anytime you want a reasoned discussion of an issue, you go to Democratic Underground.

* ...you're verbally shouting responses to this list.

Rating: 2.4/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (42)
 

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