About IMAO

Giving money to Frank J. makes you happy!

Buy funniest book ever!
Buy funniest book ever!

IMAO Podcasts
IMAO Merchandise and Newsletter

Cool shirts, mugs, stickers, and what-not!

About IMAO
Then conquer we must, for our cause is just, 
And this be our motto--'In God is our trust.' 
And the star-spangled banner in triumph doth wave 
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave.

If you want to send something by snail mail, e-mail with subject "P.O. Box" to get mail information for Frank J. and SarahK.

Frank J.
Cadet Happy
Laurence Simon

Popular Categories
Fred Thompson Facts
John Edwards Fabulous Facts
IMAO Condensed
Know Thy Enemy
Frank the Artist
In My World

Other Content
Ode to Violence
Brief Histories
IMAO Audio Bits

Read the Essay
Own the Shirt
Peace Gallery

Search IMAO
Web www.imao.us

"All quotes attributed to me on IMAO are made up... including this one."
-Glenn Reynolds

"Unfunny treasonous ronin!"
-Lou Tulio*

"You, sir, are a natural born killer."
-E. Harrington

"You'll never get my job! Never!!!"
-Jonah Goldberg

"In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. And He did despair, for in His omniscience, He did know that His creations had but three-fifths of the splendor of that which would be IMAO."
-No One of Consequence

"A blogger with a sense of humor."
-Some Woman on MSNBC
Ace of Spades HQ
The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler
Captain's Quarters
Classical Values
Conservative Grapevine
The Corner
The Daily Gut (with Jim Treacher!)
Dave in Texas
Eject! Eject! Eject!
Electric Venom
Hot Air
Puppy Blender
La Shawn Barber's Corner
Michelle Malkin
Protein Wisdom
Rachel Lucas
Right Wing News
Serenity's Journal
Townhall Blog

IMAO Blogroll
Bad Example
Cadet Happy
The Flying Space Monkey Chronicles
mountaineer musings
Right Wing Duck
SarahK & Cadet Happy snark TV
This Blog Is Full of Crap

Fred Thompson Links
Fred File
Blogs for Fred
Fred Thompson Facts

November 30, 2004
The New War?
Posted by Frank J. at 04:08 PM | Email This

Apparently the Wikipedia entry for IMAO was deleted as it can't be found (nor the deletion discussion). Interestingly enough, puppy blender hasn't gained controversy.

Now, I don't want anyone trying to add an IMAO entry to Wikipedia; they had their chance, and they voted for their own destruction. Yes, I didn't really care much about the Wikipedia until I heard some bloggers talking about it a couple weeks ago, and now I've decided to destroy it. Random vandalism is stupid and childless and easily dealt with; the destruction of Wikipedia will have to be more devious. First, I'll have to understand the inner workings of the Wikipedia and then...

Man, this is already starting to sound complicated. Someone else want to nefariously plot how to destroy Wikipedia?

Rating: 2.4/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (41)
Bite-Sized Wisdom: The Final Day of November, 2004
Posted by Frank J. at 01:09 PM | Email This

* Bush is visiting Canada, a country whose sole claim to fame is being next to America. Expect nothing interesting to happen as has been the norm for Canada since its existence.

* Iran is having a temporary nuke freeze to "create trust." To build on that trust, the Ayatollahs are going to close their eyes and fall backwards into the hands of world leaders.

* Ukraine is still in the news. If it lasts another news cycle, I'll have to devote some time to figuring out why I'm supposed to care.

* Brain scans can tell when people are lying. Finally, a more modern way to tell if someone is lying than beating him with a rubber hose.

* That makes me think of a joke:

Q. How can you tell a lawyer is lying?
A. His Broca's area on the inferior frontal gyrus shows significant activity.

* China is claiming that the new airport being built in Beijing will be the world's largest. Anyone who disagrees with this claim will be executed.

* In South Korea a formerly paralyzed woman is walking due to stem cells. The problem is, these stem cells are from umbilical cord blood and thus doesn't involve any killing whatsoever to gather them. Thus the procedure has been denounced by the embryonic stem cell lobby group Others Must Die So We May Walk.

* The Red Cross is claming that conditions for prisoners at Guantánamo Bay, Cuba, are "tantamount to torture". What! I pay tons of taxes each year, and I want full-fledged torture for my money! The government is always doing a half-assed job...

* HAPPY DANCE COMMITTEE REPORT: The internet camera that Frank J. has is not sufficient for videotaping that happy dance. A digital camera will be obtained. Also, there are hopes that an experienced choreographer will be involved, because it would be horrible if Frank J. ends up looking silly doing the happy dance.

* If you didn't notice, I'm back! Expect an In My World™ later this week and more adventures of the Hate-Filled Lefty™.

* Oh, and I could use your help. Spam has built up so much in my comments, that it would take weeks of dedicated work to clean it up and close comments for all old posts. Is there any nuclear bomb solution someone knows (are newer version of MT better for this?)? Also, I just got a new desktop (if the IRS asks, I only use it for blogging - oh, and I only bought Half Life 2 to test the hardware) and thus need to move everything important over to it (e-mail, web settings, etc.). I have both my old and new computers in the same room right now, with them on the same network (I have an 802.11g AP that works as a router) to help with transfers. What I really wonder is if I can move Microsoft Office 2003 and Norton Anti-Virus to the new computer without having to pay for them again (legally). Also, while I'm asking for things, if someone could give me a back rub, that would be great.

Rating: 2.3/5 (32 votes cast)

Comments (42) | Bite-Sized Wisdom
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 11:16 AM | Email This

What's the number one cause of death in the world?


Rating: 2.8/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (20) | Fun Trivia
Have a Fair Election or We Will Bomb You and the Country Next to You
An Editorial by Frank J.
Posted by Frank J. at 08:57 AM | Email This

 Okay, Ukraine, we have a lot of crap to deal with. We have countries filled with wackos who love to blow themselves up, so we don't have time to deal with someone who can't count his chads. You think this is funny? We don't. We're pissed off, actually. And you know what happens when we're pissed off.

"Our degrees of diplomacy are measured by the tons of explosive used."

 I guess you don't care about that though. You just want to dick around and don't care what happens. I bet we could set Kiev aflame and this would still be some big joke to you. "Look at us silly Ukrainians, having election trouble and causing more instability in the world!" How about we bomb a few y's out of Kryvyy Rih (Kryvyy? 'y' is sometimes a vowel; try getting friendly with stalwarts 'a', 'e', 'i', 'o', and 'u')? That means nothing to you, huh? You just like being the center of world attention.

 Then what if we bomb... I dunno... Belarus? What, I have your attention now? I never even heard of the country, but I guess you have. They're right next to you. I'm sure you and the Belarusians get together and dance happy little East European dances. So what happens if we bomb Minsk, Pinsk, and cities in Belarus that don't rhyme? What, you think we're bluffing? Hey, we're crazy, muchachos, and all you foreign countries start to look the same to us. You keep up your crap, Ukraine, and you'll be seeing the Belarusians screaming and weeping and it will be all on you.

 Oh, so suddenly this isn't funny anymore. Well, we're America, and our degrees of diplomacy are measured by the tons of explosive used. So why don't you have an open and fair election, or we will bomb you and the country next to you.

Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us - though is still available to replace William Safire if anyone from the NY Times is reading - and is the author of such books as "The Hindenburg Has Crashed into the Titanic: An Analysis of the Current State of the Democratic Party" and "Cats Like Lamps."

Rating: 2.0/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (33) | Editorials
November 29, 2004
"I'm Not Dead!"
Posted by Frank J. at 08:08 PM | Email This

Regular blogging resumes tomorrow. Be tense and apprehensive.

Rating: 2.9/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (19)
Free Ice Cream Delayed
Posted by Frank J. at 12:23 PM | Email This

Sorry, didn't have time for a post this morning. Instead, I had to drive SarahK to the airport :(

Now I'm at work and have plenty to do. I may be able to write a little short thing during breaks (i.e. long compilations), but I'm a bit behind on the news.

Anyway, if you are angry for not having your funny, blame SarahK (but don't be too angry; look what she did with a 10rd magazine in my Walther P99 at her only second trip to the range). Also, blame Bush and the good economy plus my mad skilz which keep me busy at work.

Well, funny will come soon as well as an update on the status of the happy dance plus more t-shirt modeling pics from SarahK, the IMAO T-Shirt Babe. Until then, be honorable ronin.

Rating: 2.9/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (25)
November 28, 2004
I Shall Return!
Posted by Frank J. at 10:17 PM | Email This


Rating: 1.6/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (25)
November 25, 2004
A Brief History of Thanksgiving
Posted by Frank J. at 12:01 PM | Email This

When the Pilgrims came to the Americas, the Indians welcomed the new interlopers who had decided not to slaughter all the natives and seize the land... yet. The Pilgrims, the Indians, and the turkeys all worked together in harmony to grow corn and tobacco and drill for oil on the behest of Halliburton. Everyone was happy... until the ninja attack! The Pilgrims fought back with their guns that had barrels shaped like horns while the Indians used their ancient Indian magic and arrows (mainly arrows). And there was much kung fu fighting. Eventually the Pilgrims and the Indians prevailed, but they wondered how had the ninjas found them at all. This was answered when the they saw the turkeys hiding their bags of ninja gold. The Pilgrims and the Indians then slaughtered the traitorous turkeys and prepared them to eat in a feast where they gave thanks to God for their victory over the ninjas. This became known as "Victory Over Ninjas Day" but was changed to "Thanksgiving Day" after the 1679 Ninja Peace Accord.

To this day, the turkeys have never been forgiven.

Rating: 2.4/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (42)
Happy Thanksgiving!
Posted by Frank J. at 09:41 AM | Email This

There's a lot to be thankful for now. I really like how the election turned out and the statement it made to our enemies, but, even if Kerry had won and somehow the Democrats had seized both the House and the Senate, I'd still be so thankful of the country I live in and the opportunity it give me, those who have fought for her, and those who fight for her now.

There's a lot in my life to be thankful for, and today's a good day to let the people I'm thankful for know. That includes you, my readers. If I one day make it big writing or God has other plans for me, I'll always be thankful of how you let me share my humor with you.

God bless, and I promise to be funny again after the holiday.

Rating: 2.4/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (23)
November 24, 2004
Get Well Soon and God Bless
Posted by Frank J. at 01:39 PM | Email This

Reader Edward sent me this link which has an address for sending "Get Well" cards to wounded soldiers. Please show them your love and support.

Rating: 2.8/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Bite-Sized Wisdom: November 24, 2004 - UPDATED!
Posted by Frank J. at 08:18 AM | Email This

* CNN Headline: "Powell: Israeli-Palestinian cooperation good"
"Fire bad!" Powell adds.

* There is unrest in Ukraine! That means... uh... I know this one...

* Zarqawi has released a new audiotape. Critics say that, while it will please his fans, it's just more of the same and shows Zarqawi has lmited talent. The drum solos are as good as always, though.

* I bought socks from Wal-Mart (mmm... new socks), and they came in a resealable bag that advertised its resealability. Am I missing something? Should I be preserving my socks?

* Here's an article about rating what games are appropriate for children. Notice the fourth to last paragraph where one of the people complains that videogames force children "to kill in order to win." What? Should they be hugging in order to win? Videogames without violence is like sports... without violence - boring!

* There will now be international monitors of the Palestinian election to ensure that the best Jew-hater wins.

* Cingular Wireless is expected to cut 6,800 jobs after it's merger.

"Can you hear me now? Good... You're fired!"

* Critics are panning the Oliver Stone's Alexander the Great film. The main complaint: Not gay enough!

* The FBI says there has been an increase of racism and hate in post 9/11 America. The cause, says the report, is "too many dumb crackers."

* Yeah, I'm in full holiday mode and didn't have time to come up with any good post. Maybe I'll add to this later, but I have a decently busy work day. Anyway, I'll have at least one more post before Thanksgiving. Later, sportsfans.

Rating: 2.4/5 (24 votes cast)

Comments (28) | Bite-Sized Wisdom
November 23, 2004
How I'd Rather Things Play Out
Posted by Frank J. at 06:38 PM | Email This

Sorry for light posting...

Wait, what am I apologizing for? What do I owe you people?

Anyway, you are probably wondering what my opinion is on Rather quitting. I think it is horrible. CBS should have publicly hung Dan Rather while begging for our forgiveness. I mean, I could forgive it all if they were at least half-way decent forgeries Rather tried to slam Bush with, but I could literally make a better forgery in under a minute (neglecting printer speed).

Hanging; it's the only proper response and the only way for the MSM to regain credibility.

Rating: 2.5/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (37)
Question of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 12:37 PM | Email This

Is IMAO notable?

The debate rages on at Wikipedia, but I'm not sure what standard they are using for notable to say if I do or do not meet it. I tried looking up Wikipedia in the Wikipedia, but wasn't enlightened on what the content of the Wikipedia should be limited to.

Anyway, this seems like an inefficient process with all this debating... especially considering that just anyone can come in and add things without even registering. Still, they are quite quick to delete references to Glenn Reynolds being called the "puppy blender" (even though it's true) as soon as it appears. Maybe such a reference would better go on the entry for IMAO... if it's deemed notable.

Now, one person on the debate said that blogs in general are not notable. That's quite spurious. Certainly some blogs have had more influence on news and politics that the Wikipedia which itself was deemed notable enough for an entry. Then the question is, what blogs are notable? Of course the puppy blender is, but is the not so humble IMAO?

Anyway, I'd like to hear arguments for and against IMAO being notable, and, if notable, what specifically makes it notable. I know my readers probably won't want to admit reading something un-notable, but maybe write some arguments against just for fun. Maybe later I'll try using that info to write a more encyclopedic (i.e., not silly, like previous attempts) entry about my blog… with extra information only I am privy to.

So... what do you think?

UPDATE: I'm now decided on this topic. The Carrot Top movie is in Wikipedia (and they are requesting a more expanded article about it). If that's the standard, my blog is certainly notable.

Rating: 2.6/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (58)
Evil Gathers!
Posted by Frank J. at 09:23 AM | Email This

Here's a photo of a secret meeting of the hate-filled left!


Rating: 2.4/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (42)
Ronin Thought of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 08:37 AM | Email This

As master samurai Miyamoto Musashi professed, true wisdom come from the void. In comtemplating it, all will be known. Thus, today, as special treat, I give you blogging of the void.


Rating: 2.2/5 (24 votes cast)

Comments (31) | Ronin Thought of the Day
November 22, 2004
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 03:03 PM | Email This

What does IMAO stand for?


Rating: 2.3/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (84) | Fun Trivia
Whitler Hits the Presses
Posted by Frank J. at 12:28 PM | Email This

Bill Whittle's book Silent America is now available to buy! All smart people buy now!

Rating: 2.9/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (14)
The Hate-Filled Lefty Talks to the Police
Posted by Frank J. at 11:56 AM | Email This

New comic! Everyone happy dance (except me; I'm still working on that)!

Wasn't that fun? Of course it was.

Rating: 2.2/5 (39 votes cast)

Comments (34) | Frank the Artist
SarahK Is Going to Poison My Thanksgiving Dinner for This
Posted by Frank J. at 09:05 AM | Email This

SarahK has redesigned her site! Check it out here.

I don't know if I like all the changes, but I do like her new stance on the Yankees.

(Yeah, this one is mainly for Mountaineer Musings fans. Plus, most of the blame/credit goes to the very funny Cadet Happy. Actually, if you're reading this, SarahK, I had nothing to do with this whatsoever!)

Rating: 2.3/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (38)
In My World: A Giant Trailer of Distorted Memories
Posted by Frank J. at 08:31 AM | Email This

"Oh dear, it looks like a giant trailer park," Laura remarked.

"Keep it to yourself," Bush told her, "I'm trying to use this as a way to be a uniter, not a divider. Where are Jenna and Barbara?"

"There's no way I'm bringing them near that awful man," Laura answered, "This whole thing is just a way for Bill Clinton to rewrite history."

"Yeah, I know," Bush exclaimed, "I can't wait to make mine!"

Bush then spotted George H. W. Bush. "Hey, pops!"

"Hi, son; how are you doing?"

"Great. Hey, I just realized: instead of people calling you 'Bush the elder' to distinguish you from me, they can call you 'Bush the one-termer'."

H. W. was silent for a moment. "That's great, son."

Thunder and lightning ripped apart the air, it began raining, and the wind chilled. They all then turned around to see the horrible visage of Senator Hillary Clinton. "Hello, everyone," she smiled, as if planning to eat her prey.

"Evil harpy!" Bush exclaimed and pointed at her.

"Stay away from us, evil woman," Laura told her, "We know you care nothing but for power."

"That's silly," Hillary laughed, her evil cackle chilling them to the bone, "I haven't even decided on whether to run for President in 2008."

"I don't think there's one person in America dumb enough to believe that," Laura said.

"Even the Nader voters," Bush added.

Bill Clinton then walked up to the group. "Hey, everybody, glad to see you're all here. By the way, where's Jenna and Barbara."

"Laura didn't want them anywhere near you," Bush answered.

Bill laughed and slapped Bush on the back. "Understandable." He then looked to H. W. "Hey, it's Bush the one-termer! Remember when I beat you in the 1992 election?"

"Perot had a bit to do with that," H. W. answered.

"Yeah, that Perot was a funny guy," Bill laughed, "Whatever happened to him?"

"You better not make a fool of yourself and harm my chanced in '08!" Hillary threatened Bill, "I know where you sleep!"

"No you don't," he answered, and then looked to Bush. "So are you going to give a speech about me?"

"Uh... yeah," Bush answered as he took out some index cards.

"Make sure it's all about me," Bill told him as he led Bush to the podium.

"Hey, everybody, I'm the current U.S. President... newly reelected," Bush announced, "but today we're here to honor Bill Clinton, the lucky bastard who happened to preside over relative peace and prosperity. You should have seen the crap I inherited from him. Anyway, he got reelected too, which I guess is significant." Bush chuckled. "He never got a majority of the vote like I did, though."

"I got over 50% of the vote," someone called out.

"That's great, dad," Bush answered, "Anyway, in the end, Clinton was a complete scumbag... but an affable scumbag." Bush looked hard at his index card. "Or is that supposed to be 'laughable.' Anyway, what he'll always be gratefully remembered for is causing the Republican majority in Congress that lasts to this day."

"Great speech!" Bill said smiling as he took the podium. "Was I the only guy in America who liked both Bush and Kerry?"

"YES!" answered the crowd.

Bill chuckled. "All right then..."

Rating: 2.1/5 (25 votes cast)

Comments (25) | In My World
November 21, 2004
The Masses Deserve to Be Educated!
Posted by Frank J. at 12:52 PM | Email This

I noticed that on Wikipedia there aren't many blogs listed. Someone should write a page about me.

To be helpful, I updated the Instapundit and Glenn Reynolds entries to add missing facts.

UPDATE: Here is the discussion for deletion of the article that some readers wrote. Is IMAO significant enough to be on Wikipedia, or is it less than Dictyoglomus thermophilum? Stay tuned...

UPDATE 2: They removed references to puppy blender from the Instapundit and Glenn Reynolds entries! What use is an internet encyclopedia if it can't even answer a simple question like "Why do people call Glenn Reynolds the 'puppy blender'?"

Rating: 2.7/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (22)
I Should Be Awarded!
Posted by Frank J. at 11:49 AM | Email This

Nominations for the 2004 Weblog Awards are now being accepted. I must be nominated for everything!

Also, go and nominate your favorite blogs that don't get enough attention. There are categories for different ranges in the Ecosystem.

BTW, if you want some humor (I don't write humor on the weekend; it's my break) check out the resume SarahK helped make for her Sizzle.

Rating: 2.1/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (10)
November 19, 2004
Our Military: Letters to Michael Moore
Posted by Frank J. at 03:27 PM | Email This

Michael Moore asked for letter from veterans, and some responded and were nice enough to forward me their letters.

Dear Mr. Moore,
I had the opportunity and the HONOR - yes the immense HONOR - to serve with the First Marine Expeditionary Force in the opening of the War in Iraq last year as a member of Weapons Platoon, Charlie Company, 4th LAR Batallion. I can think of nothing more worthwhile that I have done in my life, other than getting married to my beautiful wife, than serving the American and Iraqi people in the cause of freedom. The Iraqi people were happy to see us, yes - happy. There lives have been improved a thousand times in the time since Sadaam has been removed from power. In the broken English that most Iraqis speak, they spoke the words of a grateful nation to us as liberators. I continue to serve in the Marine Reserve while finishing college at Brigham Young University.

I just wanted to know that of all the Marines I have served with, only one had anything nice to say about you or Mr. Kerry and that the United States Marines, from my experience, overwhelmingly support President Bush. Rest assured, however, that they loathe you, Mr. Kerry, and your disgusting Anti-Americanism.

You are a disgusting, dirty, lying, corpulent liberal, and you look as though you have not seen a shower or bar of soap in years. The American people have spoken for four more years of tax cuts and dead terrorists rather than turning back to the ignorance of the nineties. Thank God (Yes, I am a member of the religious right that believes in God) that the American people have chosen against the inept Mr. Kerry and ignored the lies of your wretched ant-America propaganda film. I noticed while watching the Osama video released before the election that he endorsed the same candidate you did. How interesting. Enjoy the next 4 years, Mr. Moore.

Semper Fidelis and God Bless the USA!!!
Corporal Grant Michael Jensen,
United States Marine Corps Reserve

Dear Sir:

I proudly served our country from October 1986 through November 1990 and did my small part in helping win the Cold War at Misawa AB Japan. As I was in the intelligence business I cannot say what I did, but when I say that I did my small part it was just that; just as much as anyone else. While in the military, everyone with whom I served believed as strongly as I did about the rightness of what we were doing which was finally ridding the world of totalitarianism under our leaders, Presidents Reagan and Bush.

I do not belong to any political party and normally vote third party. However, this time I voted to re-elect President Bush solely on his foreign policy against the barbarians trying to erase Western civilization. With no intended slight, I believe your passionate work is completely wrong-minded and is creating Republicans faster than anything else in existence. If you tempered your enthusiasm with better manners and truthfulness you would be taken more seriously and would better your cause. Despite my revulsion over some of your work, I wish you nothing but the best. And if you run into Maureen Dowd, please inform her that writing while riding her menstrual cycle like Evil Kneival makes the left look even worse than you have managed to do. Good luck and may God bless you.

Howard E. Halvorsen
Chester, VA

p.s. I do not mind my name being used, but knowing dozens of fanatical liberals as friends and their attitudes, I would appreciate it if my email were not given out to prevent countless amounts of hate mail. Divisiveness, I have discovered, is disagreeing with a liberal regardless of how much tact is used.

Mr. Moore,
I heard you wanted to hear from Veterans. Well that's terrific, because I'm one, and I've always thought you should hear from me.

Here's the deal. I don't understand how people on the left don't understand why we veterans don't trust you. What is hard here?
Everytime our military takes action in some place you roll out the banners and take to the streets saying how the US shouldn't be doing that.

Well, this time you decided that your head hurt from getting hit everytime you opposed our troops, so you decided to put stickers all over your Yugo's exclaiming that "I Support Our Troops." There's two things wrong with that: 1) support the troops by supporting the mission, and 2) since when did you consider them "Our" troops? Isn't that the whole point of the "Not in our name" garbage?

Its like you want to be thought of as really liking the troops but despising what they do (hey didn't Clinton say that?). The purpose of the military (as someone far smarter than I put it) is to kill people and break things. That's what they do. And thank God that our military can kill people and break things far better than anyone else's. That means we don't have to take crap from people like Bin Laden.

But, I'm really amazed that a person who is obviously bright enough to be very successful at whatever you do could be such a conspiracy nut. I mean really. On one hand, I'm supposed to believe that George W. Bush is dumber than a stump, and on the other I'm supposed to believe he's capable of all these grandiose schemes and connivings. It just doesn't make sense.

And if we put aside that involvement of George W. Bush, and just say he's a pawn in some larger secretive world of power brokers with hidden agendas... Well, who's THAT smart? We can't even get a decent sugar substititute. And we've got billions of people that would pay lots of money for that! (Wouldn't you? ... OH DAMN! I promised myself I wouldn't bring up your corpulence... sorry.)

If there were some conspiracy out there, and they were this smart, do you think they'd let you run amok with your insane-sounding ramblings, just on the off chance that some disaffected Socialist would believe it?
Turns out that you're actually better than that, and you even got some otherwise normal people to believe it. I know better than to think YOU actually believe it. But hey, it pays the bills pretty good, don't it?

Anyway, you wanted to hear from a Veteran, and so now you have.

Derek Viljoen
SGT (E-5) Ret., US Army


My story is important to me and I hold it and the memory of my buddies as a sacred thing of infinite value. I hold it with the feeling that if I let it out in the wrong place at the wrong time or to the wrong person it will be tarnished or diminished in some way. What we went through probably like any group of warriors in any combat ever can not be communicated. The bond formed with someone even in a single night under fire is completely foreign to our everyday lives. It is odd that I am writing you about this as you are, in my opinion, an icon of the unknowing person in our society. You have the ability( great talent even) to make fun and entertaining movies yet you apparently have no idea what we who have fought know. In this world its all about survival. Many layers up from survival is what we commonly live in this country but the foundation is survival. If you knew the things I/we know then you would walk this earth humbly and with thanks in your heart for those that have given you a safe place to walk and for those that put food in your kitchen. You have no way of understanding what it is like to defend your country when asked, whether the cause is just or not, or what we owe those guys that are not here to respond for themselves. So it is doubtful you will understand when I say you are not worthy and those that seek comfort in your understanding, by spilling their treasure( real or imagined) are either gullible, weak, or stupid. A defining characteristic of your ilk is loving that little spark that gives a titillating response ala The Dixie Chicks. They got their little thrill for a minute or two uncaring what effect it had on their myriad fans in uniform. Do yourself a favor. Go into the wilderness for a time alone and on foot. Learn what it is that is at the very foundation of our society. Once you learn that your life on this country depends on many many people staring death and/or failure in the face on a daily basis I think you will be changed and maybe even worthy. Until then I will hold my story and those of the heroes I have known with a resolution you can't begin to imagine.

Bill Kelley
ex 5th Group Special Forces
resident/patient of Madigan Army Hospital ALL of 1969
currently a farmer

Rating: 2.5/5 (44 votes cast)

Comments (43) | Our Military
The Hate-Filled Lefty in "Race Relations"
Posted by Frank J. at 12:10 PM | Email This

Yay! Another comic!

Hooray! I hoped you liked that, because I have a million more ideas for this character.

Rating: 2.5/5 (33 votes cast)

Comments (45) | Frank the Artist
Could He Be the Next Limey?
Posted by Frank J. at 09:20 AM | Email This

Walter Schneider has written back to say he will write back:

I was going to email you back anyway...

I'm glad to see that you posted my email, but I'm not sure I care what the conservative community thinks of me, sooooo.......

by the way, don't you think it's a little tactless to be posting private email sent between TWO indivduals without the concent of the other. it wasn't your writing it was mine. it's nice that you at least covered your ass by noting where it came from... even if you didn't use quotes.

I'll be responding to your reply within the day... and I'm not only expecting you to post my response but I'm giving you my permission to post the on coming letter.

Speek to you soon.

Heh. He's worried I would have stole his genius and credited it to myself.

Anyway, when he gets to sending his response, prepare to be enlightened... perhaps enough to change your life forever!

Rating: 2.5/5 (25 votes cast)

Comments (45) | I Hate Frank
Don't Tell SarahK...
Posted by Frank J. at 09:14 AM | Email This

...but I love Condoleezza Rice.

Rating: 2.5/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (39)
Bite-Sized Wisdom: November 19, 2004
Posted by Frank J. at 07:03 AM | Email This

* As you all probably know, Bill Clinton opened his presidential library yesterday. Before you make any jokes, no, it’s not just porn.

There are also some saxophones.

* The building is supposed to represent Clinton's bridge to the 21st century, but it looks like a giant trailer from a trailer park. Expect the whole thing to be knocked over come next Halloween.

* Hear about the Vibe awards? Put a bunch of violent rappers in one room and there's a stabbing! I'm shocked - shocked, I tell you!

I say some stabbing might liven up the Oscars, but I won't try and tell Chris Rock what's funny.

* U.S. forces have captured Al-Zarqawi's headquarters, a place which has funding almost as shady as the Clinton Library. Having confiscated all his equipment, I hear Zarqawi is now left to planning terror on an Etch-a-Sketch.

“The CIA is coming! Shake! Shake like you never have before, Omar!”

* An Iraqi militant group warned Muslims to skip the country's coming elections, and said anyone who runs for office would be branded an infidel and "punished in the name of God." Wow, rhetoric on elections there is almost getting as bad as it is here. Expect Moveon.org to come in and make the militant group look moderate.

* A reporter has been convicted of contempt for not revealing his source. Back in high school, all I'd lose is a letter grade if I tried to pull the same stunt on a report.

* Condoleezza Rice is to have uterine fibroid surgery - just to rub her health insurance in all the faces of the uninsured!


* Bill Gates is the world’s most spammed person, and there's a whole division dedicated to making sure he only get wanted e-mails. Problem is he's too shy to tell them he really does want a larger penis.

* Scientists say that running is a key human characteristic. Are they trying to say that Michael Moore is incapable of being human?

* U.S. is once again considering giving the Palestinians aid. If you have a strap on bomb you're not using and would like to donate, contact the State Department.

* The cause of Arafat's death may soon be revealed. I'm guessing motorcycle stunt gone bad.

* ABC is moving Alias to Wednesday. If you're a Tivo, please take note.

* That's the news people. A new adventure of the Hate-Filled Liberal is to come later today.

Be honorable, ronin.

Rating: 2.8/5 (30 votes cast)

Comments (20) | Bite-Sized Wisdom
November 18, 2004
Support Your Local Blogger
Posted by Frank J. at 08:59 PM | Email This

New advertisers!

One is Xtreme Right Wing which is a blog with cool merchandise.

Another is for the film "Michael Moore Hates America" which I've mentioned before. It's supposed to be an excellent film about how documentaries can be used to manipulate viewers and also about how great the county of America is. Ebert and Roeper gave it two thumbs up (and you know liberal Ebert is - he gave Fahrenheit 911 three and a half stars out of four). I pre-ordered my copy and you should do the same (I'll put up a review after I see it).

BTW, found this neat factoid from Ebert's site:

Q. In your Ebert & Roeper review of Michael Wilson's "Michael Moore Hates America," you blurted out an erroneous opinion, expressing your doubts about the film's claim that the Canadian crime rate is double the U.S. rate.

I checked with www.statcan.ca, listed as "the official source for Canadian social and economic statistics and products," and with the U.S. Department of Justice Bureau of Justice Statistics. The bottom line: These sites agree with Wilson's assertion that crime in Canada is much worse than in the USA.

James Elias, Highland Ranch, Colo.

A. Astonishing. For the year 2003, per 100,000 population, Canada had 8,530 crimes, and the U.S. 4,267. For crimes of violence, 958 vs. 523. For property crimes, 4,275 vs. 3,744. Michael Wilson, director of the film, tells me: "There was originally a comedic segment in the film that attributed this to the proliferation of Tim Horton's doughnut franchises, but I could not make it work."

Remember to check out all IMAO advertisers; it shows great character.

Rating: 2.5/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (20)
Happy Dance FAQ
Posted by Frank J. at 01:52 PM | Email This

The Happy Dance Committee has submitted this FAQ on the status of the happy dance:


Q. Will there be a happy dance?
A. Yes. A happy dance was promised, and thus a happy dance will be coming.

Q. When will there be the happy dance?
A. No official date has ever been discussed. The official stance on when the happy dance is coming is "soon."

Q. Is there any limit until how long we might have to wait for the happy dance?
A. To fulfill the promise, the happy dance must be filmed before Frank J. dies.

Q. If Frank J. dies before doing the happy dance, will he have to answer to God for his broken promise?
A. Yes. He'll have to answer for that and his Tobit posts.

Q. I thought the Tobit posts were funny.
A. Then please pray to God to that effect on behalf of Frank J.'s immortal soul.

Rating: 2.0/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (58)
IMAO Translates to Fun!
Posted by Frank J. at 11:08 AM | Email This

Russians are talking about me and my last IMW. I'm freaking out!

Rating: 2.3/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (65)
Question of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 09:32 AM | Email This

The AFI is going to have a special on the best movie quotes. I think the best movie quote of all time is, "It's not a too-mah!"

What do you think?

Rating: 2.6/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (182)
New Comic Character: Hate-Filled Lefty
Posted by Frank J. at 08:28 AM | Email This

With all the comics drawn by hate-filled lefties, I was thinking maybe I could do a comic about a hate-filled lefty. But how to design a new comic character? Here is what I came up with:

Now here's his first adventure:

Hooray for comics! Who knows what wacky adventures he'll have in the future!

Rating: 2.6/5 (38 votes cast)

Comments (53) | Frank the Artist
November 17, 2004
Posted by Frank J. at 08:03 PM | Email This

* Out of curiosity, how many people got "The Kinkade Code" joke from my last editorial? One reader mentioned it was pretty funny after taking about eight seconds to figure, and, honestly I don't think I would have gotten it myself (but it was really clever).

* The Happy Dance committee should soon have a Happy Dance FAQ out to answer your happy dance questions.

* My cousin Jimmy sent me a link to this hilarious parody Fellowship 911. See Michael Moore and Grima Wormtongue expose the truth behind the war during the Lord of the Rings.

Rating: 2.1/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (25)
That Rascally Puppy Blender
Posted by Frank J. at 01:31 PM | Email This

So I'm Satan, am I?

If Reynolds keeps up slander like this, I'm going to send my cult members after him.

Rating: 2.4/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (46)
I Draw My Comics with Love, Not Hate
Posted by Frank J. at 01:00 PM | Email This

Is this racist, or am I overly sensitive?

It's certainly hate-filled...

UPDATE: But Ted Rall is funny today. Heh heh. That guy needs guns to shoot fags; that's like every Republican I know!

Rating: 2.9/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (45)
"Rectorially" Speaking
Posted by Frank J. at 12:03 PM | Email This

Here's something we haven't done in a while - let's open up the mail bag!

Wow! Here's a neat letter from a Walter Schneider. I should write him back:

Thanks for the letter! IMAO thrives on feedback. I thought your letter was so special that I wanted to respond to it point by point.

> I assume your joking, nothing here improves your standing or your party's
> standing? (that's a rectorial question)

Well, Walt, you're off to a whiz-bang start here. First off, just because you put a question mark after a sentence (or attempt at a sentence), that doesn't make it a question. Ignoring the other grammatical problems, you basically made two statements. "Are you joking?" and "Does anything here improve your standing or your party's standing?" would be questions. See the difference?

Also, I'm pretty sure "rectorial" isn't a word. Hypothetically, if it were a word and I were to guess at its meaning, I'd say your whole e-mail is "rectorial."

> Everything you've stated makes you sound stupid and bigoted.

What about when I said, "Whenever entering a building, fire blindly into the rafters."? I'm pretty sure that was only stupid.

> What sort of person are you?

I'm a conundrum wrapped in a riddle and placed in an enigma.

> your stating things that would, I more enlightened times WOULD be
> considered anti American. I'll bet you've never had someone call you that
> before, have you?

I was once called "anti-Armenian" which is close.

BTW, English ain't yer first language, is it?

> And one more thing, your under the delusion that the democrats are far
> gone, but you still fail to realize that they still made forty one percent of the
> vote, all of them despised George Bush, a majority voted for Albert Gore,
> and There are still a number of third parties with liberal beliefs.

Yes, but 41% tards just can't stand against 59% non-tards. They will be crushed like a shoddily constructed chair beneath Michael Moore's buttox.

Also, no one calls Al Gore "Albert" except for his mother. Do you think you're his mother, Walt? You need help.

Finally, third parties are full of deluded nuts. Didn't you get the memo?

> The world needs liberals, just as it needs conservatives. A fine balancing act
> should always be maintained; how unfortunate that the balance is off.

The world needs darkness just as it needs the light, and evil just as it needs good.

Still, I prefer one to the other.

> I suggest you look into what liberal really means; look it up in a dictionary if
> you have to.

According to my modern dictionary, liberal is defined as "pompous douche bag." Seems about right.

> It may educate you,

The dictionary is always educating. Did you know that "retarded" comes from Old French?

> or it may leave you feeling confused,

If I get confused by a dictionary, I'll just look up what "dictionary" means.

> but either way may of the things you've said are un-American, fascist (really,
> look it up), and on the verge of being racist.

Webster's Dictionary defines "fascist" as "the process of removing weeds from a garden." What I've found, though, is that people who throw around the term "fascist" should look at themselves and see if they are the ones who actually are "removing weeds from a garden."

Oh, and I am racist. I hate whatever race you happen to be, you stupid [insert appropriate racial epithet here].

> Additional: Most new voters are liberal,

And tards.

> and they'll grow up and replace everyone else eventually.

While getting jobs and thus stop being tards out of necessity.

> If your in this young voters age group, I do believe you’re the minority; and
> you may very well be witnessing the next surg in liberal thinking and ideals in
> this country.

That's okay; I have guns.

> I suggest you move to Mexico... or China.

Only after they're conquered by America and have Taco Bells in short driving distances. And don't tell me authentic Mexican food is better; I want my Taco Bell!

> They'll be the only countries open to you; and if you don't like that, follow my
> advice: crawl into a ditch, cradle yourself, bring your knees up under your
> chin, and die.

Now you're stealing from me. So bereft of your own ideas, you have to revert to plagiarism. Tsk tsk.

> Sincerely: Walter Schneider
> PS. Why don't you report me to the local government office claiming un-
> American activities.

I report everyone who slightly differs from my viewpoint. As Smokey the Bear says, "Only you can prevent terrorism."

Don't worry; the government agents won't bother you. They like to spy on you surreptitiously until they finally grab you and drag you off to Gitmo.

Anyway, thanks for playing, Walt. Next time, try proofreading combined with a spellchecker before hitting send; maybe your next letter will then be a bit less "rectorial." As for the content of what you’re trying to say, there's no quick fix for that.

Frank J.

P.S. I just used that new-fangled dictionary and looked up "rectorial." Ends up it is a word that mean "Pertaining to a rector or a rectory." I thought it pertained to a rect-something else based on your usage.

Ain't e-mail grand? (that's a rhetorical question)

Rating: 2.7/5 (26 votes cast)

Comments (49) | I Hate Frank
Question of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 09:41 AM | Email This

My writing is so funny and insightful, I deserve to make tons of money. But exactly how much money should I be making?

I think a million dollars a day.

What do you think?

Rating: 2.5/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (44)
I Won't Believe He's Dead Until I See A Picture of Him Bare Foot on Abbey Road
Posted by Frank J. at 07:00 AM | Email This

Arafat is still dead. Hooray! But how did he die? I sent my crack research team to find out all the possibilities.



Rating: 2.4/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (18)
November 16, 2004
Buck Would Not Approve
Posted by Frank J. at 03:55 PM | Email This

There is a lot of controversy about the Marine who killed a wounded enemy, but why was the enemy only wounded in the first place? Sounds like shoddy workmanship from previous Marines in not making efficient full-fledged kills on first contact, and, to me, that's the real scandal.

UPDATE: Judging from comments, I think this issue shows that the right-wing community has a large lack of compassion for wounded, murderous thugs. Maybe we should work on that.

Actually, that might take some time. Let's just play videogames instead.

UPDATE 2: There is another shooting in the news. I hope - but don't hold my breath - that the MSM will realize which shooting is more tragic and devote the airtime to the stories appropriately.

And, if they don't, that's what we bloggers are here for (well, not me, but the ones people take seriously).

Rating: 2.5/5 (29 votes cast)

Comments (57)
A Little Late... But Damn You Scrappleface!
Posted by Frank J. at 02:21 PM | Email This

An extra damn you to Scrappleface for the success of his new book, so successful it's on backorder at Amazon. Perhaps he'll pave the way for even more bloggers to publish books of their material...

Anyway, if you're going to order it, go to his site and click on the Amazon.com link he has for it. That way he not only gets royalties, but another 5% through Amazon Associates program. Sweet!

Rating: 2.0/5 (25 votes cast)

Comments (7)
I Come Not to Praise Arafat... But to Dance!
Posted by Frank J. at 11:23 AM | Email This


Here is BBC coverage of various world leaders mourning Arafat, and only I have the audio!

Rating: 2.5/5 (28 votes cast)

Comments (19) | IMAO for the Non-Deaf
Question of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 09:03 AM | Email This

They say if you put an infinite amount of monkeys at an infinite amount of typewriters, one would soon produce the greatest novel ever written. How many monkeys at how many typewriters would it take for them to soon produce a column more insightful than the average tripe from Maureen Dowd?

My guess is eight.

What do you think?

Rating: 1.9/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (46)
The Best Option for the Democrats Now Is to Crawl into a Ditch and Die
An Editorial by Frank J.
Posted by Frank J. at 06:20 AM | Email This

 There's an old sniper saying for the benefit of their targets: "Don't bother running; you'll only die tired."

 I believe there is some wisdom there for the Democrats to learn from. Right now, every pundit and his sister is saying what the Democrats have to do now after they've been spit out by the American people like so much spoiled milk, and most of that advice is how the Democrats can try and be more competitive in the political arena. To me, this is just putting up fresheners to cover up the stench of a rotting corpse. Sure, some measures can keep the Democrats potentially viable for a while longer, but it's all just delaying the inevitable demise.

"The opposition party doesn't have enough gravitas to be circus clowns."

 How can I be so sure that the Democrats are done for? Come on; just look at them! Out of all of them, who did they pick for president? John F'n Kerry! The man was practically a walking corpse himself, only showing enough energy to shamefully pander. And who are the big Democrat supporters? Jabba the filmmaker and the rest of the Hollytards. Oh, and don't forget all the hate-filled protestors. I've seen three year olds on sugar highs use energy with more rational focus.

 So what we have now is a world filled with bad people who need to be made dead, and the opposition party doesn't have enough gravitas to be circus clowns. And, while all the advice may be good intentioned, it’s like encouraging a boxer to continue who is way past his prime. If he keeps getting in the ring, all that's going to happen is he gets whupped in more and more pathetic ways. While that might be entertaining for the sadistic, it's just not compassionate to keep encouraging it.

 Thus I'm going to give the Democrats the only real good advice they'll hear: Find a ditch. Climb into it. Die. It's a manageable option for the Democrats and simply the best idea. Ditches are everywhere. There's probably plenty in Old Europe, whole countries that, if they were smart, would just nuke themselves and get things over with now.

 So, you ask, what party would replace the Democrats as the opposition? My answer: I dunno; one that doesn't suck. It would be hard to do worse. Just make sure they got the memo during 9/11 that the world changed and not to spend all their time whining about prescription drugs and crap like that. What we need are two parties that can have a reasoned debate about abolishing welfare to fund more cruise missiles. Before that can happen, though, the Democrats have to face reality and give up the ghost.

 Sure, instead of climbing into a ditch and dying, the Democrats could take all that advice they were given and spend tons of energy to win maybe a couple more worthwhile elections, but, if they do all that, they'll just die tired.

Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us - though is still available to replace William Safire if anyone from the NY Times is reading - and is the author of such thrillers as "The Kinkade Code" and "Monkeys Always Kill."

Rating: 2.2/5 (25 votes cast)

Comments (24) | Editorials
November 15, 2004
Battle in the West Wing
Posted by Frank J. at 07:16 PM | Email This

Dude, Condi wants Secretary of Defense, not State. Look for her to try and off Rumsfeld before the ink settles on anything, and, knowing Rumsfeld, he won't go down easy.

Rating: 2.1/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (26)
Tomorrow on IMAO
Posted by Frank J. at 06:39 PM | Email This

There will be a brand new IMAO for the Non-Deaf plus.... something else! Everyday at IMAO is a happy surprise! Make daily sacrifices to your gods in thanks for the existence of IMAO!

Rating: 2.0/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (18)
I Use Resources?
Posted by Frank J. at 12:08 PM | Email This

I got this from Hosting Matters:

This is to notify you that your site, referenced above, will be moved off its current server and to a less populated one due to your site's resource consumption and the impact on other sites. The move will be done tomorrow during the usual maintenance period (midnight - 3:00 AM Eastern US time). No action is required on your part.

There seems to be no threat to stop using resources, so I guess this doesn't change anything. Still, I think it's all you readers using the resources and not me, so calm down there.

Rating: 2.2/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (32)
Question of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 10:01 AM | Email This

Now that Colin Powell is resigning, who should be Secretary of State?

I say the Incredible Hulk. We need more of a pro-smash stuff approach to diplomacy.

What do you think?

Rating: 2.8/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (91)
in My World: The Fallujah Peace Accord
Posted by Frank J. at 06:19 AM | Email This

Bush picked up his phone and dialed Ariel Sharon. "I've decided to give you permission to take out Arafat."

"Uh... he's already dead."

Bush smiled and tapped his fingers together. "Excellent. Let's schedule a mideast peace summit, then."


"I have the perfect place."

* * * *

Buck the Marine peered from behind cover. "See anyone insurging, Gomez?"

"Nah. How about you, Johnson?"

"I see some people insurging over in that building there."

Some bullets hit near the Marines. They then fired back.

"There, they stopped."

Buck kept looking around. "I see something else."


"Looks to be the President of the United States and the Prime Minister of Israel."

"It ain't that French guy, is it?" Gomez asked, "I ain't been following politics."

"No, it's still the cowboy," Buck answered, "He even has his hat on."

"It's my diplomacy hat," Bush said as he and Sharon joined the Marines.

"Why are we meeting here in Fallujah?" Sharon asked as he cautiously looked around.

"To celebrate how we control it now," Bush answered, "Plus, I thought it would be less of a drive for you."

"Uh... Mr. President," Buck spoke up, "While we do control Fallujah, there are spurts of violence here and there."

"So it's just like D.C.," Bush stated.

"Die American President and jooooo!" came a shout. Soon bullets were hitting near Bush and Sharon.

"Hey, that's noisy; can you guys get him to cut that out?" Bush asked.

The marines returned fire, and then there was silence.


"What Palestinians have you invited to this negotiation?" Sharon asked.

"None," Bush answered, "as I learned from when Clinton tried to negotiate peace, things go a lot better if the Palestinians aren't involved."

Sharon eyes brightened up. "Let's get started then."

"We have to wait for the U.N.," Bush said.

"The U.N. is coming?" Sharon asked with confusion.

"Well, only one peacekeeper was brave enough to venture out here," Bush said, "And here he comes."

Chomps, wearing his blue U.N. helmet, trotted up to the group.

"What took you so long?" Bush demanded.

Chomps coughed up a hand and a banana clip to an AK-47.

"Just because you put a blue helmet on a rottweiler doesn't make him a U.N. peacekeeper," Sharon remarked.

"We'll just have to agree to disagree on that," Bush replied.

Sharon looked warily at Chomps who was growling at a single cloud in the sky. "So can we get started now?"

"I wanted the press to cover this," Bush said, "but I don't see them... Oh! Here they come."

"Melinda Hawkish from FOX News!" Melinda announced herself as she ran up followed by her camerawoman, "Sorry we're late, but it's a bit of a funny story. Our jeep was hit with a mortar."

"I didn't think it was funny," the camerawoman remarked.

"Unveiled women!" shouted a Muslim extremist, "Avert your eyes!"

"You shut up!" Melinda shouted back. She then pulled out a .45 and fired towards a building.

"Could you stop doing that!" the camerawoman shrieked. "It's loud!"

"FOX News lets you carry a gun?" Bush asked.

"This is America," Melinda answered, "I don't need permission from anyone to carry a gun."

"Actually, it's Iraq," Buck said.

"Whatever." Melinda then turned to her camerawoman. "Make sure you have the lens cap off this time; this is a historic peace summit and we have a FOX exclusive."

"Okay, but can I have the flak jacket on the way back?"


"Now let's get started," Bush said as he took out a map of the world and unrolled it on the ground.

"I don't mean to interject," Buck said, "but there might be better places to do this than the middle of the street."

"I'm the newly reelected President of the United States!" Bush yelled, "I can do whatever I want where I want!"

"And I'm the Prime Minister of Israel," Sharon said, "a country that long ago gave up caring what anyone else thought."

Chomps just growled.

"Okay," Buck answered and backed-off.

"So, I said there should be a two state solution to this problem," Bush said, "but where to establish the state of Palestine? Well, I looked at this map of the world and noticed no cities over here so thought we could make this the Palestine state."

"That's Antarctica," Sharon remarked.

"No, it's Palestine," Bush said as he crossed out "Antarctica" on the map and wrote "Palestine" in its place.

"I like it!" Sharon exclaimed.

"But there are penguins there!" the camerawoman shouted, "The Palestinians could blow up the penguins!"

"She's right!" Bush answered, "But do we need penguins for anything?" Bush looked to the Marines. "Have you guys ever used a penguin?"

"I never used a penguin," Buck replied, "How about you, Gomez?"

"Me neither. What about you, Johnson?"

"I once used a penguin, but I didn't really need it."

"Then it's settled," Sharon declared, "The Palestinians are going to the continent formerly known as Antarctica."

"We'll load them into big ships," Bush said, "and we'll trick them into the ships by filling them with cardboard Jews for them to try and blow up."

"Where will you get cardboard Jews?" Sharon asked.

"I have a sole-source contract for that with Halliburton," Bush answered and then turned to Melinda. "You better not let the real media find out about that or they'll have a field day." Bush took out a piece of paper. "Now all that's left is for the peace agreement to be signed."

Sharon signed it.

"And I'll just forge Arafat's signature," Bush said as he took out a pen.

"That looks just like his 'X'," Sharon remarked.

"And now to date it before he died... and we're done!"

Gunfire rang out, a couple bullets ripping up the peace agreement. "They shot our peace agreement!" Bush shouted.

"We'll avenge it!" Buck swore as he and the rest of the Marines moved out.

* * * *

"George, I want you to look at my ideas for Christmas decorations," Laura said as she entered the living room. All she saw was Secret Service Agent Smith sitting in an easy chair reading Better Homes and Gardens. "Where is my husband?"

"He's in Fallujah," Agent Smith remarked, not looking up from the magazine.

"He could be killed there!"


"Isn't it your job to keep him from being killed?" Laura demanded.

Agent Smith shrugged his shoulders. "I dunno. I never read the Secret Service charter."

Rating: 2.4/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (22) | In My World
November 14, 2004
Team America Hits Fallujah
Posted by Frank J. at 04:25 PM | Email This

To borrow a phrase: Heh.

I bought the soundtrack, BTW. The songs are all so hilarious, but unfortunately the CD lacks "You're So Worthress, Arec Bardwin." I heard the song was added to the end credits in the last week or so which probably mean it didn't make it time for the CD printing.

Rating: 2.5/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (15)
November 12, 2004
More Sorry People
Posted by Frank J. at 04:19 PM | Email This

Here are more people sorry about the election... wait a sec! I recognize one! And her cat!

Rating: 2.5/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (39)
Ninja FAQ
Posted by Frank J. at 11:45 AM | Email This

Now that Bush is reelected and terrorism is handled, it's time to focus on other threats - such as ninjas!


Q. Why an FAQ rather than a regular Know Thy Enemy™ format?
A. Because ninjas are extra troublesome and thus require the format of the revered FAQ!

Q. Does that mean no jokes at Aquaman's expense?
A. I'm sorry, but no.

Q. Isn't there already a definitive website on ninjas?
A. I believe that website is somewhat loose with the facts.

Q. So ninjas aren't mammals?
A. Don't put words in my mouth.

Q. Are ninjas Chinese or Japanese?
A. I dunno; they wear masks.

Q. What do ninjas eat?
A. Rice and turtle meat.

Q. I live in the Midwest; surely I don't have worry about ninjas.
A. WRONG! Ninjas are everywhere and just waiting to attack you. Also, that wasn't technically a question.

Q. How come I don't see any?
A. Because ninjas are good at stealth and hiding.

Q. I heard a strange noise behind me. Was that a ninja?
A. Probably.

Q. Can't I just shoot ninjas?
A. No, they dodge bullets.

Q. What if I have extra fast bullets?
A. They're still faster than those.

Q. What about Speedy Gonzales?
A. Ninjas are not faster than him.

Q. Why not have Speedy Gonzales fight all the ninjas then?
A. Because he has to shout "Andale, andale! Ariba, ariba! Eh-hah!" before being fast, giving ninjas plenty of time to hide.

Q. Is it true the government is working on a new, quieter version of Speedy Gonzales?
A. I can neither confirm nor deny that.

Q. How can I fight back against ninjas?
A. With kung fu skills.

Q. How long does it take to develop kung fu skills?
A. A lifetime.

Q. What if I only have a couple hours free?
A. It's better than nothing.

Q. I don't have time to become a kung fu master.
A. Then you better schedule time - to die!

Q. Aren't we by kung fu fighting ninjas just contributing to the cycle of violence?
A. Yeah. So?

Q. You're not supposed to ask questions.
A. I can do what I want.

Q. Isn't there a quicker easier way to defend against ninjas?
A. You could hire a wandering ronin.

Q. Are they all trustworthy?
A. Well, uh... carpe diem.

Q. Don't you mean "caveat emptor"?
A. Shut up.

Q. Is it true that ninjas poison their blades?
A. I'm not sure. Best not to get cut by them just in case.

Q. I'm worried about their throwing stars. What do I do?
A. Use your kung fu skills to dodge them. Alternatively, block them with a katana.

Q. What if the ninja is expecting me to dodge and thus throws a star not quite aimed at me? Aren't I better off then just standing still?
A. Now you’re just being silly.

Q. Can't I just build a big wall to protect me from ninjas?
A. Ninjas can climb walls.

Q. What about a moat?
A. Ninjas can jump far and will jump over your moat.

Q. What if it's a really wide moat?
A. That might work.

Q. Can monkeys be ninjas?
A. Maybe, but you should kill them anyway.

Q. I hear ninjas climb around in the rafters of buildings. Is that true?
A. Yes. Whenever entering a building, fire blindly into the rafters.

Q. I thought you said before they dodge bullets?
A. I say lots of things.

Q. Do ninjas hide in trees?
A. All the time, so cut down trees. No safe haven for ninjas!

Q. But I like forests.
A. Then you're a ninja sympathizer!

Q. Well, aren't there good ninjas?
A. Yes, dead ninjas... unless they become zombies.

Q. How do I fight zombie ninjas?
A. Now we're getting out of my scope of knowledge. Try a crucifix.

Q. A crucifix? That's your solution for everything supernatural!
A. Well I'm Catholic; what do you want?

Q. Can we even win the war against ninjas?
A. Ninjas have been around since the days of Noah, and they shall always be around. The best we can do is make attacking Americans so hard that they stick to attacking countries we don't care about.

Q. What countries don't we care about?
A. I can't name them because I never heard of them... which is part of the reason I don't care about them.

Rating: 2.7/5 (40 votes cast)

Comments (64) | Know Thy Enemy
Fat Man Has the Button
Posted by Frank J. at 10:13 AM | Email This

Everyone loves Michael Moore, so here is him in a new ad.

BTW, everyone go upgrade to the latest version of Windows Media Player and no one better complain to me about it cutting out early or I'll beat you with my winner's stick.

Rating: 2.6/5 (26 votes cast)

Comments (42) | IMAO for the Non-Deaf
November 11, 2004
Tomorrow on IMAO
Posted by Frank J. at 07:05 PM | Email This

A very special FAQ plus a brand new audio bit starring everyone's favorite documentary filmmaker!

Make sure to tune in or you will be sad and cry!

Rating: 2.0/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (20)
Question of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 05:10 PM | Email This

What sort of holiday should we use to celebrate the day of Arafat's death?

For one, we have to decide what day to celebrate it on. It can't be today (Veteran's Day) or yesterday (the Marines' birthday), but he probably actually died on Sunday, so we'll celebrate it that day. Here are some holiday suggestions for the anniversary of Arafat's death:

* Terrorist's Death Day - A day we celebrate the cool death of terrorists, such as the one who was in a wheelchair and got hit with a cruise missile. That was awesome!

* Brain Hemorrhage Appreciation Day (or whatever the hell it was that killed him)

* Ringo Starr Look-Alike Day

* Johnson's Baby Wipes Appreciation Day

Also, maybe we could start a charity to help the victims of Nobel Peace Prize winners. I know some people are still recovering from the Carter administration.

Well, those are my ideas. What do you think?

Rating: 2.4/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (43)
Liberty Comes from the American Spirit and Some Well-Placed Rounds
Posted by Frank J. at 10:20 AM | Email This

I asked my brother, Joe Foo' the Marine, what he thought right after the election, and here's what he said:

What I thought after the elections after seeing DU, Daily Kos, Michael Moore et.al, was the words of the governator in Conan the Barbarian:

Conan, what is good in life?:

Conan: To crush your enemy, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentations of their women.

Anyway, today is Veteran's Day. It's also my older brother's birthday. I was thinking of posting his Amazon wishlist to help him get plenty of DVD's and such for when he heads to Iraq early next year. I don't know if he'd have wanted that, though. Plus, I can say his family has him pretty well-covered.

What I would like is to post a link to are some of the charities helping out those overseas right now. I know there are some, but I can't remember them off-hand, so help would be appreciated.

Anyway, for more on Veteran's Day, here is a tribute to a soldier who recently gave his life for us. If you know more good Veteran's Day links, put them in my comments. For those who don't know HTML, here's how you write a hyperlink:


I try to remember every day that the only reason I have the freedom and the opportunity I do now is because of those who bled here and in lands faraway. As troops are fighting a real war now, it's sad we have to fight a media war back here in the States. Let's do the best we can to support them; it's the least we can do.

Rating: 2.3/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (28)
Yasser, He's Dead, Jim
Posted by Frank J. at 06:33 AM | Email This

Yasser Arafat is dead!


I should do a happy dance...

Rating: 1.8/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (45)
Dude, Where's My Votes?
Posted by Frank J. at 06:31 AM | Email This

Man, I was so happy with our win, but then I found out that places like Democratic Underground are arguing that Bush stole the election once again. What? But what about all those votes? Well, Wikipedia even has a page up about how the election was stolen with charts and everything. Is something up? Well, I contacted my local wing of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy who patched me into the national arm of the VRWC. Then I got to talk to two people I shall refer to as Hacker1 and Hacker2. Here is the conversation:

Frank: So, did we steal the election this time?

Hacker1: Yeah, totally. We like rigged all the machines so there was no way we could lose.

Frank: Why didn't you tell me we had it in the bag? I was like totally worried about this election!

Hacker2: Sorry, dude, but we were like told not to spread it around too much.

Hacker1: Yeah, we needed everyone to act like it was close and worrisome so no one would know we like totally hacked it. That Karl Rove is smart, dude; he knows how to run things.

Hacker2: Yeah, Rove is totally evil and totally cool.

Frank: So did you hack voting everywhere?

Hacker1: Yeah, otherwise it would look weird if we only improved in the battleground states.

Hacker2: Rove was completely in charge of all that. He even came in last minute and said, "Give them New Hampshire," and we were like, "Whatever."

Frank: So was it hard hacking the vote?

Hacker1: Sorta, but Diebold gave us easy to follow instructions.

Hacker2: We totally owned all the votes.

Hacker1: Totally.

Hacker2: It was funny to see the Democrats try and cheat the old-fashioned way. They can bring in all the dead people they want to vote, but we'll just change their votes to Republican in the end.

Hacker1: (laughs) I bet you didn't know this, but Michael Moore voted for Bush.

Hacker2: (laughs) He doesn't know it either.

Frank: But aren't people going to find out about this eventually?

Hacker1: Not if we're careful, dude.

Hacker2: First off, we're not going to hand out many landslides. It's going to be a bunch of real close ones so we can say to the Democrats, "Oh, that was so close. You really should try again."

Hacker1: (laughs) We're going to drive them nuts.

Hacker2: Anyway, the VRWC will save money in the future as we cut back on commercials and campaign appearances, but Rove will make sure we don't cut back so much that it looks suspicious.

Frank: Except to the Democratic Underground.

Hacker1: Yeah, there's no fooling those guys. They're on top of everything. Luckily, Rove had a plan for them too.

Hacker2: What he did was get all these mental patients - total schizos - and brainwash them about how evil the Republicans are. Then he gave them internet connections.

Hacker1: Now the schizos that Rove planted totally rule the Democratic Underground discussion forum. They’re the most prolific posters. Instead of getting anywhere on all the evil plans we have, they waste time blaming a Democrat event being rained out on Karl Rove.

Hacker2: Which is stupid because our weather machine is only 60% complete.

Frank: What about bloggers talking about voting malfeasance?

Hacker1: Dude, Rove totally owns the blogosphere. Most of the popular bloggers write only what Rove tells them.

Frank: Like who?

Hacker1: Well, Charles Johnson of Little Green Footballs, half the people at the Volokh Conspiracy, and Scott Ott of Scrappleface.

Frank: I knew it!

Hacker2: The phrase "Axis of Weasels" was all Rove's idea.

Frank: So he controls the bloggers to combat the left-wing blogs like the DailyKos?

(both hackers laugh)

Hacker1: Dude, Rove personally writes DailyKos.

Hacker2: Yeah, he wants to control what the left are whining about.

Frank: Whoa! That Rove is one sinister, evil dude!

Hacker2: Totally.

Frank: Hey, has Rove ever mentioned my site?

Hacker1: Uh... yeah, once. He asked me, "What's this site 'IMAO'?" And I told him, "Remember, it's the one with the moon exploding." And he said, "Oh yeah, it's the stupid site about the angry dog."

Frank: Cool! He knows my site! So, back to the main subject, what's in the future of voting now that we own it?

Hacker1: We'll only keep fixing elections for so long. Eventually we'll dissolve the Democratic party and turn the U.S. into a one-party ruled dictatorship.

Hacker2: That's Rove's long-term plans.

Frank: Neato. Well, thanks for talking to me.

Hacker1: You're not going to publish this, are you?

Frank: Uh... well... er... uh... no.

Rating: 2.4/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (42)
November 10, 2004
The New Attorney General
Posted by Frank J. at 06:36 PM | Email This

So, Alberto Gonzales is the next Attorney General. He better be loco, if you know what I mean. Ashcroft made the liberals frothing at the mouth mad, and anyone less extreme in the AG position will be seen as a victory to them. I was really hoping Bush would nominate either Dirty Harry or the Punisher - people who would go after criminals with no regard to the law. I guess Janet Reno really set a high bar; rumors had it that, if someone questioned her, she'd lift him into the air and crush his head between her two mighty palms.

I still shudder when I think of her.

Rating: 2.6/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (24)
These People Sure Are a Sorry Bunch
Posted by Frank J. at 03:32 PM | Email This

Jim Treacher has a bunch of pictures of people sorry for our election and fitting captions to go with each - though many need no comment.

Rating: 2.4/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (26)
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 02:09 PM | Email This

How do Marines commonly celebrate the birthday of the Marine Corps?


Rating: 2.8/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (19) | Fun Trivia
"I Need Directions to the Nearest Botox Clinic"
Posted by Frank J. at 11:20 AM | Email This

John Kerry is now doing radio ads! Hear it here. (This one is all Scott McCollum, so all praise should be directed to him)

Rating: 2.6/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (13) | IMAO for the Non-Deaf
Happy Birthday
Posted by Frank J. at 09:15 AM | Email This

Today, the day before Veteran's Day, is the 229th birthday of the U.S. Marines. A happy birthday to them, and I guess there's no better way to spend it than clearing out the scum in Fallujah.

UPDATE: Here's a great article from the NY Post to go with the celebration.

UPDATE 2: Reader curt sent in this joke:

News anchor Dan Rather, The Reverend Jesse Jackson, NPR reporter Cokie Roberts, and an American Marine were hiking through the jungle one day when they were captured by cannibals.

They were tied up, led to the village and brought before the chief. The
chief said, "I am familiar with your Western custom of granting the
condemned a last wish. Before we kill and eat you, do you have any last

Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot,
spicy chili." The chief nodded to an underling, who left and returned with
the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."

Jesse Jackson said, "You know, the thing in this life I am proudest of is my
work on behalf of the poor and oppressed. So before I go, I want to sing "We
Shall Overcome" one last time." The chief said, "Go right ahead, we're
listening." Jackson sang the song, and then said, "Now I can die in peace."

Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape
recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe
someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job til the end."
The chief directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder, and Roberts
dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."

The chief turned and said, "And now, Mr. Marine, what is your final wish?"

"Kick me in the ass," said the Marine.

"What?" said the chief. "Will you mock us in your last hour?"

"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the

So the chief shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass. The Marine
went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9mm pistol from his
waistband, and shot the chief dead. In the resulting confusion, he leapt to
his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine, and sprayed the cannibals with
gunfire. In a flash, the cannibals were dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying the others, they asked him, "Why didn't you just
shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass?"

"What!?" said the Marine, "And have you jerks call ME the aggressor?!"

Rating: 1.8/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (29)
Question of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 08:38 AM | Email This

How should the Republicans spend their political capital?

I say more tax cuts. I hate paying for anything other than cruise missiles.

What do you think?

Rating: 2.2/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (53)
In My World: Window Shopping
Posted by Frank J. at 06:37 AM | Email This

"Time to spend that political capital, people," Bush told his staff, "That's why I called all of you who ain't resigned yet together. First off, I'd like to thank Rover for this great victory."

Karl Rove emerged from the shadows. "My evil power grows. Muh ha ha ha!"

"That's super," Bush remarked, and looked back to his staff. "Now, let's think of some ideas of what to do next. Remember, I hate people who disagree with me and find it funny when I do stuff that makes them whine. So, who has an idea?" Bush looked around. "Rummy, you have your hand up. What are your thoughts?"

"War!" Rumsfeld yelled.

"Against who?"

"Rarr!" Rumsfeld shouted as he motioned to a map of the world.

"There will be plenty of time for more war in the next four years, but we have to be more focused than just decimating the entire world," Bush said, "Who do you think the worst threat is?"

Rumsfeld thought for a moment. "I don't like North Korea. Their poofy-haired leader's neck begs daily for my hands to wrap around it and squeeze it until he's dead."

"That might be a good idea," Bush stated, "The troops are getting tired of just killing Islamic extremists, so Commie kill'n might be a nice change of pace."

"Plus, they have WMD's," Condoleezza added.

"I'm not falling for that trick again," Bush responded, "If we're going to war with North Korea, let's make it clear that it's just to steal their oil."

"Actually, I have my own idea," Condi said, "Why don't we punish Old Europe for being unfaithful to us. I have a plan for overthrowing Paris. Based on their defenses, it should take just five armed Marines and a Humvee. Then, we can raid the treasures of the Louvre. I certainly wouldn't mind the Mona Lisa on my wall."

"Nah, I don't like art," Bush answered, "Except for a fish - a fish that sings." Bush chuckled. "What dark times you've gotten me through, Big Mouth Billy Bass."

"I have an idea," Scott McClellan said, "I have to deal with the press everyday, and it would be great if they were a little more fair and not so mean. So maybe..."

"That's a great idea!" Bush shouted, "Let's round up and execute the press!"

"That wasn't quite what I..."

"We'll hold a big press conference to lead them into a trap!" Condi declared, a devilish glint in her eyes.

"I just meant that we should..."

"The streets will flow with their blood!" Rumsfeld yelled.

"That's a little extreme. I just wanted..."

"Then it's settled," Bush stated, "We'll execute the press under the 'McClellan Murder the Press' Act."

"But, uh..."

Laura Bush entered the room. "Since you are all so hard at work, I made you Rice Krispie treats."

"Hooray!" Bush squealed with glee.

Laura started handing the treats out. "So what did you all decide on?"

"We're going to kill the press!" Bush exclaimed.

"That's a horrible idea!" Laura shouted, "Who thought of something so evil."

Everyone pointed to Scott.

"Then no treat for you!" Laura declared as she took away the Rice Krispie treat from Scott's grasp.

"Aww," Scott moaned, "I hate this administration."

Rating: 2.1/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (23) | In My World
November 09, 2004
Tomorrow on IMAO...
Posted by Frank J. at 08:22 PM | Email This

A new In My World™ plus yet another special segment of IMAO for the Non-Deaf from Scott McCollum. It's going to be big, big, big, big!

Rating: 2.3/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (19)
Change Bad! Ahh!
Posted by Frank J. at 05:30 PM | Email This

I just got a new DVD from Netflix, and the envelope it's in is green, man! Green! They're supposed to be red! What's happening, man! I don't like it! I'm freak'n out!

Rating: 2.5/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (25)
But I Wanna Know Now!
Posted by Frank J. at 04:33 PM | Email This

When do we get to find out if Arafat is dead or not? Is this one of those things where they keep counting and recounting chads until the Supreme Court steps in and puts an end to things? I'm a bit confused.

Rating: 2.7/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (29)
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 03:58 PM | Email This

What's Yassir Arafat's middle name?


Rating: 2.3/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (29) | Fun Trivia
Bush Speaks to the Country
Posted by Frank J. at 11:51 AM | Email This

Bush has delivered a speech outlining his plans for the next four years. You can hear the speech here.

Rating: 2.3/5 (27 votes cast)

Comments (15) | IMAO for the Non-Deaf
Arafat Dead? Or So It's Said
Posted by Frank J. at 09:40 AM | Email This

They're now saying Arafat is dead again. I think the Israelis better hit him with a targeted missile strike just for old-times' sake; whatever the case, he isn't going anywhere fast. It'll be funny to hear the impotent cries of rage from France if Israel attack Paris, too:

"You better not do that three more time or we shall get stern!"

Also, it will settle the issue of where to bury Arafat. Now he can be put in a coffee can (don't forget his Nobel Peace Prize) and tossed in the sea. It could be Israel's first step towards pushing all Palestinians into the sea.

UPDATE: He's not dead again. End this crap; missile strike!

Rating: 2.6/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (26)
Free Speech Is for Winners
An Editorial by Frank J.
Posted by Frank J. at 06:41 AM | Email This

 I'm a Republican. I'm a winner. You listen to what I say. That's what you're doing right now. What I say is important because I'm on the winning side.

 Some people disagree with me, but I don't care what they have to say. You saw the election? People who disagree with me - the left - are losers. People heard what they had to say and they hated it.

 People hate losers.

"I get to keep talking. I'm a winner. "

 These losers think they have a freedom of speech to keep talking their loser talk. That's stupid. My time is valuable. You know how much my time costs? It's more than you can afford. I shouldn't waste it on loser talk that's already rejected. The American people think their ideas are dumb, so they should have to shut up. I get to keep talking. I'm a winner.

 For example, some people want to argue whether we should be warring. That's loser talk, No more of that. We all decided war is fun and cool, so shut up about it. What you can argue is who we kill next. That's winner talk. That's freedom of speech that should be allowed.

 So am I saying that losers should be punished for saying loser speech. Yes I am. They should be beaten with winner sticks wielded by winners like me until they shut up. That's right, losers: I don't have time to listen to you. I only have time to hit with you sticks. Rocks, too.

 Now we only use winner talk. We talk about cutting taxes and killing bad people. You want to talk about something else, you're a loser and I have my stick. I'm a winner. I get to talk.

 ...Well, I don't have anything to say right now. When I do, though, you listen. I'm a winner.

Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as "'You're a Failure' and Other Reasons Your Parents Never Loved You" and "I Swear to God I'll Kill the @%#$& Bastard Who Moved My Cheese!"

Rating: 2.0/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (28) | Editorials
November 08, 2004
More Funny in MP3 Format
Posted by Frank J. at 03:21 PM | Email This

Scott McCollum has another audio bit in the can. I haven't had a chance to hear it myself yet, but it will probably be posted tomorrow.

Rating: 2.2/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Larger, Fatter, and Unhinged
Posted by Frank J. at 01:55 PM | Email This

The Michael Moore website is back! He even has a link to how the election was stolen. See, liberal ideas didn't fail, they wuz robbed!

Look at the opening paragraph:

When I spoke with Jeff Fisher this morning (Saturday, November 06, 2004), the Democratic candidate for the U.S. House of Representatives from Florida's 16th District said he was waiting for the FBI to show up. Fisher has evidence, he says, not only that the Florida election was hacked, but of who hacked it and how. And not just this year, he said, but that these same people had previously hacked the Democratic primary race in 2002 so that Jeb Bush would not have to run against Janet Reno, who presented a real threat to Jeb, but instead against Bill McBride, who Jeb beat.

Whoa, slow down there, Skippy. There's a couple things wrong with that statement. Now, I was here in Florida during this, and all the analysts thought McBride had a better chance of winning because Reno was too polarizing (it's like she was running for Governor of Florida just because she felt she hadn't quite pissed off the Cubans enough), but the Democrats were worried Reno would win the primary because of name recognition. We Republicans had a conundrum of whether to root for Reno or not; she'd be the easier opponent, but, then again, there would actually be a chance of her being governor (I think my opinion was clear in this post and this post).

Now, the other problem with that excerpt is, if the Republicans could easily rig voting, why would they care who won the Democrat primary since they could just rig the general election?

Nuts. Plain nuts.

Anyway, Michael Moore wants to hear from soldiers and veterans. Maybe you could drop him a line and CC me what you said.

Rating: 2.7/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (46)
The Major Ass Whup'n Has Commenced
Posted by Frank J. at 12:18 PM | Email This

Operation "Phantom Fury" has begun. Godspeed, and kick some ass.

Rating: 2.3/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (18)
Where's Our Happy Dance?
Posted by Frank J. at 11:35 AM | Email This

I've been barraged with questions about the happy dance:

"Where is the happy dance?"
"When is the happy dance coming?"
"Why aren't you happy dancing now?"

Well, I've hastily formed a Happy Dance Committee to get to the bottom of this. If there's anything that can get answers, its dedicated bureaucracy. I'm sure all happy dance worries shall soon be assuaged. Fear not, ronin, for the future is full of happiness and dancing.

Rating: 2.3/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (26)
Up Yours!
Posted by Frank J. at 10:22 AM | Email This

ThoseShirts has new victory shirt available (I don't have any association with this one). It would go great in an order with IMAO t-shirts.

BTW, hopefully we'll get more modeling shots from the t-shirt babe, soon (lazy t-shirt babe).

Rating: 2.4/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (11)
Question of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 09:23 AM | Email This

The Democrats and lefties seem to be casting this election victory as one born out of fear, ignorance, and primitive religious values.

Now, I'm an uber-partisan who votes for pretty much anything with an 'R' next to its name anyway, but I was somewhat motivated by fear of Kerry being elected as I know people who are out fighting the good fight or will be and could make an intellectual argument of why a Kerry victory would make them less safe. Also, I was motivated by an optimistic view for the future where we can actually do something about all the evil out there in the world. All Kerry offered was a retrograde vision of going back to the blissful ignorance of the nineties.

Anyhoo, the question is whether Democrats will stop underestimating voters anytime soon or can we expect another gain for the incumbent party in the off-year election of 2006?

Doesn't look to me like the Democrats have gotten a reality check yet. What do you think?

Rating: 2.2/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (35)
Let's Spend that Capital!
Posted by Frank J. at 06:45 AM | Email This

Now that Bush has a mandate and Republicans have increased control of the House and the Senate, it's time for a radical agenda. Here's what's on the plate:

Tax Cuts: First on agenda, more tax cuts! Yay! Should be targeted at those who need it most - the rich!

Fine for Being Poor: To help fund tax cuts, new fines. Since America is the land of opportunity, if you're poor, then you're wasting the opportunity. That means a fine!

Reinstate the Draft: We may need more people for the extremely dangerous, near-suicide fighting in some areas. Thus we should draft Canadians into the military. Some may ask if it's right to draft someone to die on behalf of another president in some foreign nation, but, according to American law, Canadians have no rights!

No More Being Homo-Gay: The Christian-right will need some of the spoils for helping in the big win, so "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" will apply to all of American life. In addition, show tunes will be banned.

Take on the Ninja Threat: With the new mandate, now we can move on to fighting the war on terror to also taking on the looming ninja threat. Troops will be taught the ways of kung fu and the numchukus.

Whine Reduction Act: New law will declare radical Hollywood left enemy combatants and send them to Gitmo. Much like the blob, Michael Moore will be frozen and shipped to Antarctica.

Lower Gas Prices: Help lower gas prices by putting saturation bombing on the table when negotiating with OPEC.

Fix Social Security: Social Security will be fixed by allowing us to invest our money in individual accounts in the "Stop Stealing My Money, You Thieving Government!" Act.

Simplify Taxes: Simplify the tax code by blowing up the IRS building. Blowing stuff up is simple.

Forcefully Seize Antarctica: Antarctica is weird and full of penguins and potentially has aliens buried under the ice according to much sci-fi. We should seize control so we can prevent any Antarctica threat and mine it for gold and sweet, sweet molybdenum.

No France: The existence of France will be made illegal. Failure to comply with this law will be met with force and soap.

Super Patriot Act: With the success of the Patriot Act, will now make the even more powerful Super Patriot Act. If you'd like to know the unclassified details about it, just talk to your local intelligence agent by speaking into your dial tone.

Elimination of Useless Species: America is a grand country and should only be populated by grand animals. A committee will decide what animals are not needed and thus can be eliminated. I’ve never understood a squirrel’s place in the ecosystem and I still don’t.

Big Barbecue Party: Follows from the previous.

Democrats into Camps: Democrats worried of being steamrolled by the new Republican power should know that they will get the fun of camp! Yay! It's just like those summer camps where you kayaked and played volleyball, but instead you will work in underground mines to produce the raw materials needed for the military industrial complex. Hooray!

Reduce the Debt: Reduce the debt by reminding foreigners we have lots of nukes and don't need to pay back anything if we don't feel like it.

Kill More Terrorists: Improve troops' morale for killing terrorists by giving them a card that gets a stamp for each terrorist killed. Get six stamps and you get a free sub from Subway.

Supreme Court Justices: Make sure that new Supreme Court justices are strict interpretationalists ("I don't see public schools anywhere in the Constitution; away with them!"). For older liberal judges, they will be helped in "retiring."

Total Super War: Let's make it the goal of America to individually invade and defeat every country out there. That will prove our supremacy beyond question. When negotiating with any country, we can now say, “Didn’t we kick your ass once?”

Rating: 2.3/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (31)
November 07, 2004
Dowd Mad! Dowd Smash!
Posted by Frank J. at 12:03 PM | Email This

So Maureen Dowd has gone from annoyingly snarky to bitter and angry. I just saw her on the Chris Matthews show and, when Matthews asked the panelists to "tell me something I don't know" (man I could have fun that question), Dowd said that the rapture was coming and that she and Matthews would be taken up while all hypocritical evangelists telling people what they shouldn’t do would be left. Wow, that's bitter. Well, she was never good with politics, and I expect her worse with theology. And, if Dowd is the model of who makes it to Heaven, I think I'll find some other place for my immortal soul to reside.

The bitterness hasn't made her writing any better; it's still just a bunch of assertions with no arguments. I honestly could write better while being assaulted with a knife. That she's in the New York Times and I'm not syndicated in at least half of all U.S. newspapers is a great injustice.

UPDATE: Interestingly enough, this Ted Rall comic made right after the election shows no hate at all. I guess he ran out.

Rating: 2.4/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (29)
Time to Cut Out the Cancer
Posted by Frank J. at 11:42 AM | Email This

Things are heating up and the hammer is about to fall in Fallujah. Make sure to say your Sunday prayers for our troops and the Iraqis. Godspeed, guys.

Rating: 2.3/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (14)
November 06, 2004
Help Frank Deliver You Funny
Posted by Frank J. at 03:34 PM | Email This

I'd like to do some more audio bits with Scott McCollum, but it ends up campaign commercials were a lot easier to come up with than other stuff. I have some ideas, but lets see if any of my brilliant readers have some good ideas. Please place them in the comments section.

HAPPY DANCE UPDATE: I'm still recovering from the cold, but I hope to have that done this weekend. Be happy :)

Rating: 2.3/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (57)
Shirts! Collect Them All!
Posted by Frank J. at 10:21 AM | Email This

The new victory shirt is selling well; don't be the only one on your block not to have one. I regret to inform you that the KTE: Terrorists is now sold out. Anyway, the Chomps shirt is a more limited printing, so, if you were planning on buying one, get your size before it's sold out.

Buy shirts so I have more money! Hooray!

Rating: 2.4/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (22)
November 05, 2004
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 05:43 PM | Email This

It's LaShawn Barber's blogiversary, and she has a bunch of great celebratory links about the election.

Greyhawk has how troops are reacting to the election in Iraq.

How can someone named Smiley be so angry? Bob has the story.

Spoons is all over the looming threat of S.P.E.C.T.R.E. I still stand by my idea I mentioned while liveblogging.

Though Ebert has been annoying me with his liberal views increasingly creeping into his reviews, the move Michael Moore Hates America got two thumbs up from Ebert & Roeper, saying that, despite its titles, it's actually a quite positive movie. Go here for the audio. Sounds like a good movie to watch in a victory celebration... just like Team America.

Rating: 2.5/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (11)
Get Your Victory T-Shirt
Posted by Frank J. at 02:10 PM | Email This

Thanks to your input, here is the 2004 victory t-shirt ready for your orders. I can't wait to wear one to work.

Rating: 2.4/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (22)
Is That An Eclipse? No, Moore Has Emerged!
Posted by Frank J. at 01:37 PM | Email This

I'm on the Michael Moore mailing list, and I got this today:

* * * *


That is correct. I won't fisk that.

Dear Friends,

I hate you.

Aww... that not true. You're now an amusing idiot.

Ok, it sucks. Really sucks. But before you go and cash it all in, let's, in
the words of Monty Python, 'always look on the bright side of life!' There
IS some good news from Tuesday's election.

Yeah, an increase in Senate seats and House seats for the Republicans plus a mandate for Bush. Boo-yeah!

Here are 17 reasons not to slit your wrists:

Wow. I could only think of four.

1. It is against the law for George W. Bush to run for president again.

No. Remember how you said he stole the first election? That means he was only legitimately elected once and can run again.

2. Bush's victory was the NARROWEST win for a sitting president since
Woodrow Wilson in 1916.

And he got a majority of the vote, something even the lecherous hillbilly never achieved.

3. The only age group in which the majority voted for Kerry was young adults
(Kerry: 54%, Bush: 44%), proving once again that your parents are always
wrong and you should never listen to them.

Don't worry; once the young get jobs, reality will hit them and they'll become more conservative. Plus, the Roe Effect will keep the youth vote even more conservative in the future.

4. In spite of Bush's win, the majority of Americans still think the
country is headed in the wrong direction (56%), think the war wasn't worth fighting (51%), and don't approve of the job George W. Bush is doing (52%). (Note to foreigners: Don't try to figure this one out. It's an American thing, like Pop Tarts.)

Other American things: courage, resolve, and strength. Moore's followers shouldn't try to figure those out either.

5. The Republicans will not have a filibuster-proof 60-seat majority in the
Senate. If the Democrats do their job, Bush won't be able to pack the
Supreme Court with right-wing ideologues. Did I say "if the Democrats do
their job?" Um, maybe better to scratch this one.

Heh. Sometimes you are amusing. You should make another movie like Canadian Bacon.

6. Michigan voted for Kerry! So did the entire Northeast, the birthplace of
our democracy. So did 6 of the 8 Great Lakes States. And the whole West
Coast! Plus Hawaii. Ok, that's a start. We've got most of the fresh water,
all of Broadway, and Mt. St. Helens. We can dehydrate them or bury them in
lava. And no more show tunes!

Now you're just getting silly. Look at what percentage of gun owners voted Bush before you start making threats.

7. Once again we are reminded that the buckeye is a nut, and not just any
old nut -- a poisonous nut. A great nation was felled by a poisonous nut.
May Ohio State pay dearly this Saturday when it faces Michigan.

That's just spite speaking.

8. 88% of Bush's support came from white voters. In 50 years, America will
no longer have a white majority. Hey, 50 years isn't such a long time! If
you're ten years old and reading this, your golden years will be truly
golden and you will be well cared for in your old age.

And minorities are gradually voting more Republican. In 50 years, you'll only find Democrats in the history books.

9. Gays, thanks to the ballot measures passed on Tuesday, cannot get married
in 11 new states. Thank God. Just think of all those wedding gifts we won't
have to buy now.

I think this blow to Moore has made him funnier. I can now remember the days I didn't intensely hate him (and then I think of his disgusting letter right after 9/11).

10. Five more African Americans were elected as members of Congress,
including the return of Cynthia McKinney of Georgia. It's always good to
have more blacks in there fighting for us and doing the job our candidates

Shouldn't talk of Cynthia McKinney gone under that part where you spoke of poisonous nuts? Maybe she'll start accusing Bush of knowing he was going to be reelected.

11. The CEO of Coors was defeated for Senate in Colorado. Drink up!

I never drank Coors, but this still hurts. I wanted a five seat Senate gain. Well, phooey.

12. Admit it: We like the Bush twins and we don't want them to go away.

Well, liberals and conservatives can agree on one thing. That's heartening.

13. At the state legislative level, Democrats picked up a net of at least 3
chambers in Tuesday's elections. Of the 98 partisan-controlled state
legislative chambers (house/assembly and senate), Democrats went into the
2004 elections in control of 44 chambers, Republicans controlled 53
chambers, and 1 chamber was tied. After Tuesday, Democrats now control 47
chambers, Republicans control 49 chambers, 1 chamber is tied and 1 chamber
(Montana House) is still undecided.

You lost me with that one. Who got elected to what now?

14. Bush is now a lame duck president. He will have no greater moment than
the one he's having this week. It's all downhill for him from here on out --
and, more significantly, he's just not going to want to do all the hard work
that will be expected of him. It'll be like everyone's last month in 12th
grade -- you've already made it, so it's party time! Perhaps he'll treat the
next four years like a permanent Friday, spending even more time at the
ranch or in Kennebunkport. And why shouldn't he? He's already proved his
point, avenged his father and kicked our ass.

Yeah, he sure kicked your ass, but the lame duck is quite a stretch. With the increased majorities in the Legislature and no worries of reelection, expect more hell for you left-wing nuts. You're going to squeal like pigs when we're done!

15. Should Bush decide to show up to work and take this country down a very
dark road, it is also just as likely that either of the following two
scenarios will happen: a) Now that he doesn't ever need to pander to the
Christian conservatives again to get elected, someone may whisper in his ear
that he should spend these last four years building "a legacy" so that
history will render a kinder verdict on him and thus he will not push for
too aggressive a right-wing agenda; or b) He will become so cocky and
arrogant -- and thus, reckless -- that he will commit a blunder of such
major proportions that even his own party will have to remove him from

Or people will love him even more such that your pathetic voices of doomsaying fade so far into the background as to not be heard anymore.

Ah, feel that sweet silence.

16. There are nearly 300 million Americans -- 200 million of them of voting
age. We only lost by three and a half million! That's not a landslide -- it
means we're almost there. Imagine losing by 20 million. If you had 58 yards
to go before you reached the goal line and then you barreled down 55 of
those yards, would you stop on the three yard line, pick up the ball and go
home crying -- especially when you get to start the next down on the three
yard line? Of course not! Buck up! Have hope! More sports analogies are

I don't care if you have three yards or one yard to go; we're going to sack the crap out of you. Hell, we'll knock you back twelve more yards. More violent sport analogies to come.

17. Finally and most importantly, over 55 million Americans voted for the
candidate dubbed "The #1 Liberal in the Senate." That's more than the total
number of voters who voted for either Reagan, Bush I, Clinton or Gore.
Again, more people voted for Kerry than Reagan. If the media are looking for
a trend it should be this -- that so many Americans were, for the first time
since Kennedy, willing to vote for an out-and-out liberal. The country has
always been filled with evangelicals -- that is not news. What IS news is
that so many people have shifted toward a Massachusetts liberal. In fact,
that's BIG news. Which means, don't expect the mainstream media, the ones
who brought you the Iraq War, to ever report the real truth about November
2, 2004. In fact, it's better that they don't. We'll need the element of
surprise in 2008.

Don't call Kerry a liberal; you're trying to scare people by labeling him that. He ran from that label as will everyone else as it is the kiss of death and always will be. Even with all the MSM on his side, people still saw the truth and voted that way.

Feeling better? I hope so. As my friend Mort wrote me yesterday, "My
Romanian grandfather used to say to me, 'Remember, Morton, this is such a
wonderful country -- it doesn't even need a president!'"

Actually, that's a sweet saying.

But it needs us. Rest up, I'll write you again tomorrow.

I'll be waiting!

Michael Moore

Oh yeah, you're fat!

Anyway, I need to remember to pick up the Team America soundtrack on the way home...

Rating: 2.3/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (36)
A Few Notes
Posted by Frank J. at 11:48 AM | Email This

I don't think that was my best In My World™, but I have four more years to try and reach comic genius. Also, I'll work with Scott for some new audio bits. Hopefully you'll soon be hearing IMAO on a radio station near you.

Man, I'm just so happy. How's everyone else doing?

Rating: 1.9/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (30)
In My World: Party!!!
Posted by Frank J. at 11:45 AM | Email This

The hooded figure of Karl Rove emerged from the shadows. "The time has come," he intoned. He then tossed off his cloak. "To party!"

Music played, and all the Bush administration danced around. Chomps began angrily/happily attacking the furniture.

"You're making a mess!" Laura chided.

Bush grabbed her and started dancing with her. "And we have four years to clean it up."

"I'm glad you didn't fail to win reelection," Rumsfeld said, "I had such a great collection of terrorist skulls, but I want to collect them all!"

"And I have so many more evil schemes to plot," Condi said as she smiled wickedly.

"Plus Halliburton demands more mindless destruction!" Cheney said.

"And I'm starting to like talking to the press," Scott McClellan said, "They don't spit at me as much anymore."

"Quiet, everybody, I'm making a phone call," Bush said as he picked up the phone.

"Daschle here."

"It's Bush. I'm saddened to hear you'll be leaving us."

"Thanks. It's been..."

"Jackass!" Bush laughed, "Don't let the Capitol door hit you in the ass on the way out!"

"We still have to work with each other for a couple more months and..."

Bush handed the phone to Cheney. "Tell him what he can do to himself."

"Certainly, sir."

Bush spotted his daughters. "How are my little angels doing?"

"We're drunk!" they answered.

"That's my girls!"

Condi then walked up to Bush. "All this partying is fine, but let's not forget about terrorism."

"I won't," Bush answered, "but where is your blouse?"

"I'm looking for it!" Condi answered defensively.

"Well, don't worry about terrorism; I've informed our troops to work extra-hard to kill terrorists."

* * * *

Buck the Marine's commanding officer announced, "President Bush has been reelected."

A loud "Ooh-rah!" was heard.

"And now the terrorist killing quota has been upped. You all need to kill at least six before you can get lunch."

Buck prepped his M-16. "I'm going to kill me ten!"

* * * *

"This party is getting out of control," Laura warned Bush, "How many times have I told your friends no fireworks indoors?"

"I'm sorry, dear, but we like super won!" Bush said. He then opened a window and shouted out, "Who's your president?"

"You are!" came back thousands of voices.

"Well, don't let it get to your head," Laura stated, "You still have lots of work to do."

"And I'll get to it," Bush answered, "but just imagine what all those nuts against me must be doing now."

* * * *

"Mr. Stevenson, Michael Moore is in the freezer section eating all the pints of Ben & Jerry's!"

"Then get a hose and chase him away."

The teenager glanced towards the ice cream and shivered. "But I'm scared."

* * * *

"The Americans reelected Bush!" a terrorist yelled in panic, "I thought we broke their spirit!"

"We broke nothing!" a terrorist - probably named Mohammed - exclaimed.

There was a knock at the door.

"Who is it?"

"My name is Buck the Marine and I'm here to kill you all."

"Uh... we're not here."

* * * *

"The press want a statement!" Scott said excitedly, "Can I talk to them? Huh? Huh?"

Bush slapped Scott. "No. I'm talking to them. This one is important."

Bush walked out of the White House to greet the press. "Hey everybody. Looks like the American people like me and hate you jokers." Bush looked to one reporter. "You from CBS?"


Bush drew his single-action army and fired at the reporter's feet. "Dance!" When the gun ran out of bullets, Bush kicked the reporter in the head. "Now get out of here."

"So do you think you have a mandate?" one reporter asked.

"Yes, a mandate to do whatever the hell I want. Yee-haw!" Bush shouted. Bush then pulled out a phone. "Bomb a country... I don't care which - surprise me!"

"Are you going to try to unite this divided country?"

"Well, I looked into the problem, and found that the reason there is so much division is there are a bunch of 'tards out there who disagree with me," Bush said, "Either they can wise up or I can have the majority who agree with me beat up the minority against me."

"Are you now mad with power?"

"Pretty much," Bush said as he reloaded his six-shooter. He then fired at the press as they scattered. "Yee-haw!"

* * * *

The flicker of the T.V. set illuminated a horrible visage. "Yes, celebrate now. These next four years just give me time to grow in power and to plan my way to control of America... and thus the world!"

She then laughed a horrible cackle that even scared the demons of hell.


Rating: 2.5/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (29) | In My World
Question of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 11:15 AM | Email This


Here's an idea for a new victory t-shirt. I like it, but what do you think?

BTW, In My World™ coming soon.

Also, Doug already as a good shirt or two that works for a victory celebration.

Rating: 2.7/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (37)
Silliness to Come
Posted by Frank J. at 08:25 AM | Email This

That was all the seriousness I'm going to do. I have an In My World™ I'm working on that I'll post later, plus Michael Moore has finally spoken since the election results and listening to him should be fun. I am back at work today thanks to all those who wished me well and didn't just yell, "Dance! DANCE!" but that means I'll have to wait for some breaks to finish things up. Later, sportsfans.

UPDATE: Make sure to read Whitler's actually short response to the Bush win.

Also, I just got an e-mail from none other than The Limey. And guess what band he references?

Rating: 2.2/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (15)
The Terrorists Lost
An Essay by Frank J. Fleming
Posted by Frank J. at 08:22 AM | Email This

"The Terrorists Lost" - that should be the headline for this election. There has always been talk of if this or that happens the "terrorists will have won." Well, by reelecting Bush, the terrorists lost.

As much as I'd like to spend all my time gloating in the face of the silly liberals who demonized Bush, they are not the enemies. Michael Moore never cut off anyone's head. In 2000, I would have reacted to this win with pure partisan glee, but this is not 2000. Everything did change on September 11th, 2001, and now I'm just relieved.

I had been lying about my feeling towards the election... sometimes to myself. The way I keep my humor for this site is never taking anything in politics too seriously, but I take this war on terrorism seriously and constantly saw the election through that perspective. It didn't matter who was a Republican or a Democrat or who stood for what. What we had was an incumbent who started a real war with the terrorists, and they tried to punish us - to hurt us and others - to scare us away from reelecting him. If we had elected the challenger, rightly or wrongly they would have seen that as a win and been invigorated in thinking they could influence us by more violence. The cost to dissuade them of that idea could have been enormous. I was fearful of that result and had a great speech prepared for a Kerry win, something patriotic and optimistic because I thought it was important we did our best to win against the terrorists no matter what happened with politics. The real strength of this nation is not which party temporarily holds power in government, but in each person. I think Kerry said it well in his concession speech when he said, "In an American election there are no losers, because whether or not our candidates are successful, the next morning we all wake up as Americans."

But I don't have to say my speech, as the incumbent was reelected. Thus we have said definitively to the terrorists that we want them dead, and they can't scare us from that goal. They tried, and they failed. Often, the terrorists have foolishly thought they have won, but this time they know they lost. We are resolved to take them down, and we can't be dissuaded from it. The terrorists know this and are disenchanted.

There is still a lot of work to do, though. There is much evil out there, and we must face it. Our troops still stand in harm's way, and they need our support to triumph. There are many countries trying to stand against us, and it will take our resolve to make them back down.

As Bush said, "It's hard work."

So let's roll.

Rating: 2.7/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (22)
November 04, 2004
When the Man Comes Around
Posted by Frank J. at 07:45 PM | Email This

Despite being sick, I am quite happy about this Bush and Republican win - more so than just for partisan reasons.

Anyway, here is neat little video to help with celebration.

Rating: 2.5/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (34)
Blogging Shall Resume Soon
Posted by Frank J. at 05:04 PM | Email This

Sorry to go black for most of the day, but I think I aggravated the cold I have by staying up all Tuesday night. I'm going to still get some more rest, but hopefully I'll have my essay and my new In My World$trade; ready for tomorrow.

Hope everyone else is having a happy fun time. BTW, the Democratic Underground has mad a new forum for those who need help after the election. I feel bad. Do you think there is some way we can help those people, like a fund for psychological services.

Or one way tickets to France?

UPDATE: I'm hearing rumors Arafat is dead. The happy dance will now have to be extra happy.

Rating: 2.2/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (23)
There Is No Spoons
Posted by Frank J. at 07:45 AM | Email This

Also, I think we should give recognition to those who were best at calling the race. One was a Democratic pollster. The other was Spoons, who had many big bloggers comment on his predictions.

Rating: 2.1/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (13)
Funny Then Sleep
Posted by Frank J. at 07:41 AM | Email This

Feeling even worse this morning, so I'm going to rest up this day and hopefully recover. That means I'll have that essay and In My World™ sometime later... hopefully by tomorrow.

Still, I made this illustrations about how an upgrade to S.M.I.T.E. good be advantageous.

Hopefully that will have to be enough to get for funding.

Rating: 2.0/5 (33 votes cast)

Comments (38) | Frank the Artist
November 03, 2004
Sick and Tired
Posted by Frank J. at 06:16 PM | Email This

Man I'm sleepy, and I don't think I've mentioned that I have either had some bad allergies or a cold since Saturday. Still, I'll try to have my essay ready for tomorrow. I have a few things to say before I get on the festivities (and the victory IMW should be sweet).

Also, I think I deserve having a Guinness while smoking a cigar tonight.

Rating: 2.4/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (22)
Happy Happy Joy Joy!
Posted by Frank J. at 03:58 PM | Email This

Just updating to say I'm quite happy.

Anyway, the Iranians hoping for freedom are already happy dancing in the streets. I'll try to have my happy dance done during the weekend. Tonight, I need sleep.

Rating: 2.5/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (24)
Liveblogging Feedback
Posted by Frank J. at 11:39 AM | Email This

Please post your feedback on the liveblogging in the comments section here. I don't plan on doing it again anytime soon, but I would like to know what you think.

Rating: 2.3/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (58)
Posted by Frank J. at 11:02 AM | Email This

Kerry expected to concede at 1pm. Castor has conceded to Martinez. So now inevitability of the happy dance is recognized by the other side.

BTW, credit to where credit is due, I think Kerry waited an appropriate amount of time to concede, and I applaud him for doing so.

Rating: 2.5/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (34)
Ronin Quote of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 10:41 AM | Email This

From Glenn Beck, quickly becoming a favorite of mine:

Last night it was like Republican porn watching those results come in.

Rating: 2.9/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (20)
Posted by Frank J. at 10:35 AM | Email This

Market surge! I wonder why...


Rating: 2.3/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Question of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 10:26 AM | Email This

I think it's safe now to admit that Bush stole the first election and served illegitimately. Thus he was elected for the first time for real yesterday. So, can Bush now run for real reelection in 2008?

My opinion is...


What do you think?

Rating: 2.1/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (33)
I'm Happy, and You All Benefit
Posted by Frank J. at 10:05 AM | Email This

So, I have my own ideas for a gloat In My World™ and comic, but what would you guys like? What liberals would you like gloated against the most?

(the gloating to terrorists will be for another post)

Also, what would be the best song for the happy dance?

Rating: 1.9/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (81)
More Stuff
Posted by Frank J. at 09:46 AM | Email This

For those who didn't follow all the liveblogging lastnight, here is the future we won't have to worry about and the one soon to come.

Michelle Malkin has a great list of winners and losers. In fairness to Andrew Sullivan, it sounds like he's regaining his sanity.

Rating: 2.1/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (5)
A Message to Liberals
Posted by Frank J. at 09:27 AM | Email This

Yeah, I do plan on a non-partisan essay later, but, right now, I would like to say to any liberals listening:


The largest amount of votes for a President ever!


I wonder if I could make a fortune selling a device for easily removing those "Selected, Not Elected" bumper stickers?

BTW, if you have Glenn Beck, listen to him. His gloat fest is hilarious.

Oh, and one other thing...


Wow, Fahrenheit 9/11 really sold well on DVD. To everyone who bought it...


Now, all you liberals, flee for Canada or France before the hammer drops! Flee! Flee!

But, before you go, know that...


UPDATE: Oh, and to foreigners who feared a second Bush term, I just want to assure you that...


BTW, if Michael Moore tries to eat his way out of depression, how large will he get? I mean...


Okay, that's enough. Need to focus on what's really important. More on that later. But also...


UPDATE 2: Oh, and MoveOn.org, I just want you to know...


And, George Soros, thanks for participating in our democracy by throwing all that money around. Also...


Rating: 2.0/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (28)
Don't Forget to Make Fun of the "Youth Vote"
Posted by Frank J. at 08:59 AM | Email This

So what happens to Eminem's video now? It may have convinced some kids to wear black hooded sweatshirts, but I guess voting was a stretch.

Will P. Diddy go on a killing spree?

Well, I know who doesn't have the answers to these questions: our nations youth. Right now they sit there playing X-Box, ignorant to all else.

God bless, 'em!

Rating: 2.1/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (28)
Even a Stopped Clock...
Posted by Frank J. at 08:52 AM | Email This

I couldn't have put things better than the title to this DU post.

Bwa ha ha ha!

Rating: 2.0/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (19)
I Love the Smell of a Decisive Victory in the Morning
Posted by Frank J. at 08:48 AM | Email This

There are my liveblogging posts scattered like confetti over my site.

It's funny how FOX, which was the last to give Bush Florida, is still like the only one to give him Ohio. Then there are the other news organizations:

"Election Up in the Air!"

"It's 2000 All Over Again!"

Yeah, whatever. If I were Bush, I'd be like, "Know what? I'll just keep being president while you try to pull a few hundred thousand votes out of your ass."

Anyway, I think everyone needs to congratulate us Floridians for the 300,000 vote victory. I think we get the reward for "Most Improved Since 2000."

Oh, and Betty Castor hasn't conceded to Mel Martinez yet, but I'm busy planning the happy dance.

Frankly, I think my endorsement helped put Bush over the top. The message from the people with the majority vote to Bush (Clinton never even got that - oh, and good work in Arkansas, BTW, Bill), the gain in the Senate (and I'm saddened to hear we won't have Daschle to kick around anymore), and the gain in the House was a clear message from the American people that they want more tax cuts and dead terrorists. As for the latter, I'm going to indulge myself in a serious essay on that topic a little later. I know you all want the victory In My World™ - and that will be coming - but I have a few important things to say first. I wish I could just squeal in partisan glee over all this, but it's 2004, not 2000, and things have changed.

Anyway, I would just like to end this little rant with: America, @#$% Yeah!

Why doesn’t everyone put their impression on the win in the comments. I'll try to get some words from my brother who is heading to Iraq about the same time Kerry is being inaugurated president in some distant, dark alternate universe.

For now, I'm just going to sit in peaceful serenity (and get some work done). Be honorable, ronin.

UPDATE: One more thing: looks like the MSM can't deliver a victory even with all their combined but now feeble powers.

Rating: 1.9/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (33)
All Mediocre Things Come to an End
Posted by Frank J. at 12:58 AM | Email This

And thus ends liveblogging, but great things like the Bush presidency keep on going.

I'm not going to bother to stay up to hear about the Senate races (looks like a gain, but we'll have to wait to hear how Mel does to see if the happy dance shall proceed), so the liveblogging ends with this post.

Man, I had a great speech ready if Kerry won.

Anyway, time to gloat:

In your face terrorist 'tards! You thought you could beat us by going for the minds of the cowardly and the morally bereft in America, but that's too small a minority in America to make the difference.

You like getting shot, Islamists. You like getting blown up from far above? You like cowering in caves? Well, you got four more years of it, bitches!

And Satan, fair warning, make some more room in hell!

To everyone who hated the first four years of Bush - and no one hated it more than the terrorists - these next four years are going to be even worse now that Bush doesn't have to worry about reelection! Boo-yeah!

Goodnight, everybody, and God bless.

Rating: 2.3/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (43)
Almost There...
Posted by Frank J. at 12:44 AM | Email This

They're giving him Ohio! I'll give him Alaska. Kerry stole New Hampshire (first color change).

Bush - 269 - Kentucky, Georgia, Indiana, Tennessee, Alabama, Oklahoma, South Carolina, North Carolina, Virginia, Texas, Wyoming, North Dakota, South Dakota, Middle Dakota, Kansas, Nebraska, Mississippi, Louisiana, Utah, Itah, Arkansas, Missouri, Montana, Idaho, Arizona, Florida, Colorado, Ohio, and Alaska.

Kerry - 211 - Vermont, D.C., Maine, New Jersey, Connecticut, Delaware, Maryland, Taxachusetts, Illinois, Rhode Island, New York, Pennsylvania, Washington, California, Oregon, and New Hampshire.

Going to go to bed soon and have a sweet, short, sleep. Even if Kerry gets all the other states, he'd be reelected by Congress.

Rating: 2.3/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (19)
Valdez, Lesbian Texas Sheriff
Posted by Frank J. at 12:37 AM | Email This

Sounds like we have a T.V. show here.

Rating: 2.5/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (11)
Let's Go to the Scoreboard
Posted by Frank J. at 12:35 AM | Email This

Bush - 246 - Kentucky, Georgia, Indiana, Tennessee, Alabama, Oklahoma, South Carolina, North Carolina, Virginia, Texas, Wyoming, North Dakota, South Dakota, Middle Dakota, Kansas, Nebraska, Mississippi, Louisiana, Utah, Itah, Arkansas, Missouri, Montana, Idaho, Arizona, Florida, Colorado.

Kerry - 207 - Vermont, D.C., Maine, New Jersey, Connecticut, Delaware, Maryland, Taxachusetts, Illinois, Rhode Island, New York, Pennsylvania, Washington, California, and Oregon.

Bush has a 130,000 vote lead in Ohio with 76% reporting (about 800,000 votes uncounted). That would put Bush for electoral votes away from the win. Alaska is pretty certain, so one vote. Thus, Ohio and any other state means its over.

Then I dance!

Rating: 2.2/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Man, I Forgot Something
Posted by Frank J. at 12:22 AM | Email This

I forgot to say a prayer today about the election. Well, I'll say one of thanks. God, thanks for all the surreal fun. You kick ass, and don't let any atheists or Tobit tell You different.

Rating: 2.8/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Why Jonah Can Keep His Job
Posted by Frank J. at 12:18 AM | Email This

On the NRO front page: "Youth voters? Bwaa ha ha ha ha!"

Rating: 1.9/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (3)
Honest, Ma, I'm Not Swearing This Time
Posted by Frank J. at 12:13 AM | Email This

Republican Senator Crapo has one reelection in Idaho against his Democratic opponent Scott McClure with 99% of the vote.

I thought that only happened in places like Cuba? Maybe my brother can fill me in on the details with that one.

UPDATE: The Democrat is a write-in, I think.

Rating: 2.2/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 12:09 AM | Email This

George W. Bush will be the first president to win over 50% of the popular vote since...


Rating: 2.0/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Fun Trivia
I'm Scared!
Posted by Frank J. at 12:04 AM | Email This

I just saw Obama on T.V.! Too much charisma! He will destroy us all!

Rating: 1.8/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (15)
Even if Kerry Wins, At Least We Get to See Them Freak Out Now
Posted by Frank J. at 12:02 AM | Email This

Here is the inevitable "Everyone is dumb except for us" post on Democratic Underground.

Rating: 2.5/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (15)
November 02, 2004
Breaking News!
Posted by Frank J. at 11:52 PM | Email This

"CNN projections indicate Bush will win Idaho and Kerry will win California."

Dude, I could have told you that last year.

Rating: 2.0/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (12)
It's Not Over Until the Man with the Hat Says So
Posted by Frank J. at 11:50 PM | Email This

Drudge says Bush has been advised that they have OH and thus reelection.

I still want to wait to hear if Martinez wins. The happy dance will need some coreography.

Rating: 2.7/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (2)
Posted by Frank J. at 11:48 PM | Email This

So that's why my map count gave Kerry one more electoral vote: Maine has one electoral vote that is up for grabs. The state isn't winner take all.

That will make things interesting for the tie scenarios...

Rating: 1.9/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Is It Just Me...
Posted by Frank J. at 11:41 PM | Email This

Or is Susan Estridge completely drunk? (I assume everyone is watching FOX News)

Rating: 2.1/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (34)
Dude! We're Losing and I Can't Find My Bong!
Posted by Frank J. at 11:39 PM | Email This

They're freak'n out at Democratic Underground. Those exit polls made it look like the race wasn't even going to be close and totally threw off everyone.

UPDATE: Here's the forum where they are doing most of the freak'n. Heh.

Rating: 2.4/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (14)
Come on Happy Dance!
Posted by Frank J. at 11:34 PM | Email This

With 94% reporting, Martinez leads by only 40,000 votes. That would be another gain for Republicans (plus I'd finally have a Republican senator).

Rating: 2.3/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (7)
Posted by Frank J. at 11:32 PM | Email This

The guy on T.V. said shenanigans.

Hi, guy on T.V.

I'm tired.

Rating: 2.5/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (3)
That's It
Posted by Frank J. at 11:29 PM | Email This

I'm giving Bush Florida. They have 95% reporting.

Bush - 237 - Kentucky, Georgia, Indiana, Tennessee, Alabama, Oklahoma, South Carolina, North Carolina, Virginia, Texas, Wyoming, North Dakota, South Dakota, Middle Dakota, Kansas, Nebraska, Mississippi, Louisiana, Utah, Itah, Arkansas, Missouri, Montana, Idaho, Arizona, and Florida.

Kerry - 199 - Vermont, D.C., Maine, New Jersey, Connecticut, Delaware, Maryland, Taxachusetts, Illinois, Rhode Island, New York, Pennsylvania, Washington, and California.

It think that's the count.

Anyway, it all comes down to freak'n Ohio. Clevland better rock...

Rating: 2.1/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Senate Update
Posted by Frank J. at 11:21 PM | Email This

53-46-1... if Daschle keeps his seat. I hope we get enough that we can throw Hagel and Specter out of the Republican party. Actually, maybe we could do a Jew-swap and trade Specter for Lieberman. Does Scottish law allow that?

Rating: 2.7/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Just Give it to Him Already!
Posted by Frank J. at 11:14 PM | Email This

88.1% reporting and Bush has 51.6% in Florida. How much more do they want?

Rating: 2.2/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (11)
Posted by Frank J. at 11:10 PM | Email This

Think I should just call this for Bush and go to bed? If I do, who will contact the media for me to make sure they get my announcement?

Rating: 2.4/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (13)
The Biggest Threat of a Kerry Win
Posted by Frank J. at 11:06 PM | Email This

What will happen to In My World™. I don't think it will work as well without a character I sympathize with. And who would then be the leading Republican?

I already miss Ari; I can't lose the whole administration!

Rating: 2.8/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Posted by Frank J. at 11:04 PM | Email This

Bush - 200 - Kentucky, Georgia, Indiana, Tennessee, Alabama, Oklahoma, South Carolina, North Carolina, Virginia, Texas, Wyoming, North Dakota, South Dakota, Middle Dakota, Kansas, Nebraska, Mississippi, Louisiana, Utah, Arkansas, Missouri, Montana, and Idaho.

Kerry - 133 - Vermont, D.C., Maine, New Jersey, Connecticut, Delaware, Maryland, Massachusetts, Illinois, Rhode Island, New York, and Pennsylvania.

That's as it stand now, lest I messed up my count - which is likely.

They just showed the Daschle, Thune race on T.V. Daschle better not use his slimey evil to win.

Rating: 2.1/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Voter Fraud Is Bad
Posted by Frank J. at 10:59 PM | Email This

In case I hadn't said it before, voter fraud is bad. It disenfranchises real voters. People who commit voter fraud should be punished. Maybe they should have to pick up trash on the side of the road. Alternatively, they could be let loose at the entrance to a forest while I stand there with a rifle and utter, "Run."

It considers how busy I am.

Rating: 2.4/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Posted by Frank J. at 10:56 PM | Email This

Kerry got Pennsylvania. Well, it was a blue state...

Looks like we're on our way to some Republican gains in the Senate, though.

Rating: 2.4/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (4)
Posted by Frank J. at 10:52 PM | Email This

This stuff is hard. Don't make fun!

What should I be blogging about while I'm waiting for info to come in?

Rating: 2.9/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (7)
And Support My Sponsors
Posted by Frank J. at 10:50 PM | Email This

Heh. Check out Right Wing Stuff's post election gear.

Check out all my other advertisers as well. One has Brian from Family Guy on it!

Oh, and smoke some Marlboros.

Rating: 2.1/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (5)
This Just In...
Posted by Frank J. at 10:45 PM | Email This

My foot itches.

UPDATE: I scratched it.

Rating: 2.4/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Bad Idea... But You Weigh In
Posted by Frank J. at 10:37 PM | Email This

My mom says to give her number to SarahK. I think that's a horrible idea... or am I underestimating that?

Oh yeah, elections...

Rating: 2.2/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (22)
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 10:31 PM | Email This

Who reported the most election troubles in Florida in 2000?


Rating: 2.9/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (4) | Fun Trivia
Frank J., Election Monitor
Posted by Frank J. at 10:29 PM | Email This

I wonder if I could have been an election monitor? I don't think I'd be threatening.


Rating: 2.5/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Posted by Frank J. at 10:26 PM | Email This

My mom is still commenting on my blog, and she's chiding me for cussing.

Rating: 1.9/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Posted by Frank J. at 10:24 PM | Email This

I forgot to read the latest issue of NRODT. End up they endorsed Bush.

Oh, and here's a new issue of Gun Tests.

...oh yeah, the election. Keep focused!

Rating: 2.1/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (4)
As It Stands Now (I Think)
Posted by Frank J. at 10:21 PM | Email This

Bush - 196 - Kentucky, Georgia, Indiana, Tennessee, Alabama, Oklahoma, South Carolina, North Carolina, Virginia, Texas, Wyoming, North Dakota, South Dakota, Middle Dakota, Kansas, Nebraska, Mississippi, Louisiana, Utah, Arkansas, Missouri, and Montana.

Kerry - 112 - Vermont, D.C., Maine, New Jersey, Connecticut, Delaware, Maryland, Massachusetts, Illinois, Rhode Island, and New York.

Let's see... that's uh... 74 more to go. Coffee done brewing yet?

Wait, why am I asking you guys?

Rating: 2.6/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (4)
Posted by Frank J. at 10:13 PM | Email This

I'm making some coffee. Don't tell my momma who I think commented here for the first time.

Rating: 2.8/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (4)
Switching Colors
Posted by Frank J. at 10:03 PM | Email This

Other than New Mexico (Gore only won by 300 votes) what states do you think are likely to make a color switch from blue to red or vice versa from the 2000 results?

Rating: 2.1/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (19)
Another Florida Update
Posted by Frank J. at 10:00 PM | Email This

65.8% in and Bush still leads with 51.5%

Rating: 2.5/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 09:56 PM | Email This

Who originated the Electoral College?


Rating: 2.3/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (4) | Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 09:54 PM | Email This

Look at all these posts. This liveblogging is a horrible mess.

I ain't cleaning it up.

Rating: 2.7/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (3)
K-Lo Would Never Lie
Posted by Frank J. at 09:50 PM | Email This

KJL is saying that GOP insiders are quite certain I'll be doing the happy dance.

Rating: 2.7/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (5)
DeMint Wins!
Posted by Frank J. at 09:47 PM | Email This

Hooray for whomever that is. It's a gain for Republicans in the Senate that offsets Obama getting 112% of the vote. I think the only voters Keyes didn't isolate are the deaf.

"What did he say?"

Rating: 2.2/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Ballot Initiatives
Posted by Frank J. at 09:44 PM | Email This

There's like eighty states with a initiative saying that marriage is just between a man and a woman, and all of them are easily passing. Also, in Florida, if you want an abortion, you'll have to tell your mommy.

What's with all this stuff? I thought we hired legislatures to vote for us on things like this. Do you know how much reading I had to do for the Florida ballot this year?

Rating: 2.5/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Only a Hundred More to Go!
Posted by Frank J. at 09:36 PM | Email This

Bush - 170 - Kentucky, Georgia, Indiana, Tennessee, Alabama, Oklahoma, South Carolina, North Carolina, Virginia, Texas, Wyoming, North Dakota, South Dakota, Middle Dakota, Kansas, Nebraska, Mississippi, and Louisiana.

Kerry - 112 - Vermont, D.C., Maine, New Jersey, Connecticut, Delaware, Maryland, Massachusetts, Illinois, Rhode Island, and New York.

Heh. Nader's on T.V. ranting against corporations. Someone should get him a magical jacket with no sleeves.

UPDATE: Nader just said "straightjacket." I must have a psychic connections with him. Dude...

Rating: 2.7/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Posted by Frank J. at 09:30 PM | Email This

They better call this for Bush soon, as I'm getting tired. Even monkeys can count; why can't they just say who got more votes and be done with it?

Rating: 2.9/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 09:23 PM | Email This

What is George W. Bush's signature kung-fu move?


Rating: 2.4/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (10) | Fun Trivia
We're Always to Blame
Posted by Frank J. at 09:13 PM | Email This

Now Cavuto is blaming the market drop today on us bloggers panicking about the exit polls. It was all NRO; I swear!

Rating: 2.2/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Exit Polls
Posted by Frank J. at 09:10 PM | Email This

So far, real votes are showing the exit polls to be crap. That's good news for Bush since the exit polls are bad news for Bush.

When will we go back to projecting things by the more reliable method of looking at pig entrails?

Rating: 2.5/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (5)
The Media Catches Up with Me
Posted by Frank J. at 09:07 PM | Email This

Bush - 155 - Kentucky, Georgia, Indiana, Tennessee, Alabama, Oklahoma, South Carolina, North Carolina, Virginia, Texas, Wyoming, North Dakota, South Dakota, Middle Dakota, Kansas, and Nebraska.

Kerry - 112 - Vermont, D.C., Maine, New Jersey, Connecticut, Delaware, Maryland, Massachusetts, Illinois, Rhode Island, and New York.

I can say now that Bush will absolutely, positively, possibly win.

Rating: 2.4/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (6)
How to Describe Moore...
Posted by Frank J. at 09:00 PM | Email This

Well, a number of you don't seem to know what an adjective is, but the winning adjective to describe Michael Moore is...


Rating: 1.8/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (9)
More Results
Posted by Frank J. at 08:54 PM | Email This

I've decided to give Utah to Kerry.

UPDATE: That was too early. I'm putting Utah back into play.

Rating: 2.2/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (20)
Florida Update...
Posted by Frank J. at 08:52 PM | Email This

27.5% reporting and Bush has 54.6%.

And, the last to report should be the very Republican pan handle...

Rating: 2.0/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (4)
All Things Local
Posted by Frank J. at 08:44 PM | Email This

Here's how my county voted.

Yay! Every local person I voted for won (even the one Democrat)!

That means I'm smirt.

Rating: 3.1/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (7)
You Heard It Here First
Posted by Frank J. at 08:42 PM | Email This

Before any major network, I am projecting that Bush will take Texas.

Bush - 136 - Kentucky, Georgia, Indiana, Tennessee, Alabama, Oklahoma, South Carolina, North Carolina, Virginia, and Texas.

Kerry - 77 - Vermont, D.C., Maine, New Jersey, Connecticut, Delaware, Maryland, Massachusetts, and Illinois.

I've decided to use the media's numbers for Kerry's electoral votes.

Rating: 2.7/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 08:39 PM | Email This

I am drinking...


Rating: 2.4/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (10) | Fun Trivia
North Carolina and Virginia for Bush!
Posted by Frank J. at 08:33 PM | Email This

Bush - 102 - Kentucky, Georgia, Indiana, Tennessee, Alabama, Oklahoma, South Carolina, North Carolina, and Virginia.

Kerry - 78 - Vermont, D.C., Maine, New Jersey, Connecticut, Delaware, Maryland, Massachusetts, and Illinois.

Soon the world will be ours! Muh ha ha ha!

BTW, I don't know why I have 78 for Kerry when everyone else has 77. I'm filling in my own map at OpinionJournal.com.

Rating: 2.2/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 08:28 PM | Email This

What do all people who claim voter intimidation have in common?


Rating: 2.7/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (7) | Fun Trivia
Be Bored in Real Time!
Posted by Frank J. at 08:23 PM | Email This

Realtime vote counts for Florida, Ohio, and Pennsylvania.

Rating: 2.3/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (8)
South Carolina Goes to Bush
Posted by Frank J. at 08:17 PM | Email This

Bush - 74 - Kentucky, Georgia, Indiana, Tennessee, Alabama, Oklahoma, and South Carolina.

Kerry - 78 - Vermont, D.C., Maine, New Jersey, Connecticut, Delaware, Maryland, Massachusetts, and Illinois.

Hooray! We're catching up. Now, if Bush gets North Carloina too, I think he can start buying houses for those properties and charging more each time a Democrat lands on one.

Rating: 2.8/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (6)
A Winner Has Been Projected
Posted by Frank J. at 08:14 PM | Email This

The winner is...


Rating: 2.7/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (4)
More Polls Close!
Posted by Frank J. at 08:08 PM | Email This

Bush - 66 - Kentucky, Georgia, Indiana, Tennessee, Alabama, and Oklahoma

Kerry - 78 - Vermont, D.C., Maine, New Jersey, Connecticut, Delaware, Maryland, Massachusetts, and Illinois.

Nooo! Doom! Doom! DOOOOM!!!

Rating: 2.1/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (8)
I Am Eating...
Posted by Frank J. at 07:58 PM | Email This


But what am I drinking? Does anyone know?

Does anyone care?

Stay tuned to find out!

Rating: 3.0/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (21)
Florida Trending Huge!
Posted by Frank J. at 07:49 PM | Email This

...based on unreliable data.

Right now, Bush has 60% of the Florida vote according to the official count.

UPDATE: Keep in mind absentee votes which won't be counted immediately. Republicans claim to have around 150,000 more votes from those.

Rating: 2.4/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 07:46 PM | Email This

What keeps the media from immediately calling some states after the polls have closed?


Rating: 1.8/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (3) | Fun Trivia
Don't Forget the House
Posted by Frank J. at 07:44 PM | Email This

Right now as called, Republicans have 10 seats and Democrats 2. That's five times as many! Let's hope this trend continues throughout the night.

Rating: 2.2/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (2)
Contest Results Later
Posted by Frank J. at 07:42 PM | Email This

I've closed comments on the Osama and Michael Moore contests and will pick winners when I have time.

Winners will get... mentioned!

Rating: 3.0/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (1)
This Just In...
Posted by Frank J. at 07:33 PM | Email This

Netflix is shipping me Punisher!

(you try liveblogging)

Rating: 2.3/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Yay Inbreds!
Posted by Frank J. at 07:32 PM | Email This

West Virginia for Bush!


Rating: 2.5/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Super Landslide!
Posted by Frank J. at 07:30 PM | Email This

I knew it! According to Drudge, 56% to 43% in the popular vote (1% reporting).

Rating: 2.5/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (1)
It's Not Even 7:30...
Posted by Frank J. at 07:25 PM | Email This

...and I think Brit Hume has gone insane.

Rating: 2.4/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Republicans Will Own Everything!
Posted by Frank J. at 07:23 PM | Email This

Of the Senate seats called so far, it's two gains for the Republicans.

All will bow before us!

Rating: 2.8/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (4)
Joe Foo' at DU
Posted by Frank J. at 07:21 PM | Email This

Look for the deleted post at Democratic Underground near the bottom of this thread (number 19). What my brother originally wrote there was, "I'll fix this, im going in Jan with marines and I'll kill all the terrorists so they can't do harm."

He really thought that wasn't going to be deleted.

Rating: 2.7/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (4)
Our Sponsor
Posted by Frank J. at 07:17 PM | Email This

This liveblogging event is brought to you by Marlboro cigarettes. Mmm... Marlboro cigarettes. It's like candy you set on fire!

Rating: 2.5/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (13)
A Glimpse Into a Probable Future: Bush's Second Term
Posted by Frank J. at 07:08 PM | Email This

Yay! What will the future look like if Bush is reelected?

Let me look into my crystal ball...

* * * *

"It has been confirmed that, upon Bush's reelection, half of all terrorist have now died out of fear. France has crumbled and fallen into the sea...

"This just in: Michael Moore has exploded, covering various lefties around him with his fetid chunks and killing them as well. We'll show you video of that as soon as it is available.

"Back to our major stories: Liberals who swore to flee the country have actually kept their promise... most of them being killed when France crumbled into the sea. Anyway, this is Steve the intern filling in for Dan Rather, and we'll be back with the story about the destruction of the mainstream media after the break."

Rating: 2.4/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (11)
Polls Have Closed!
Posted by Frank J. at 07:01 PM | Email This

Kentucky, Georgia, and Indiana go to Bush.

Kerry gets stupid Vermont.

That's 34-3! Looks to me like Bush is going to win win win!

Rating: 2.6/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Posted by Frank J. at 06:58 PM | Email This

If Bush and Mel Martinez wins, I'll film myself doing the happy dance and post it. Do what you have to to make it so.

Rating: 2.2/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 06:48 PM | Email This

Who invented liveblogging?


Rating: 2.2/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (12) | Fun Trivia
A Glimpse Into a Possible Future: The Kerry Presidency
Posted by Frank J. at 06:36 PM | Email This

Oh no! What will happen if Kerry wins?

I shall use my psychic powers and tell you...

* * * *

Kerry stared out the window of the White House. "No one told me there were so many colored folk in D.C.," he moaned, "Can't I move my headquarters to Cape Cod?"

"Don't worry," Teresa said, "I am African-American like them. I'm also the queen of Portugal! Wagga wagga wagga!"

"So, what are you first thoughts on assuming office?" asked a reporter.

"I served in Vietnam," Kerry answered.

"And how do you feel being only the second insane First Lady?" a reporter asked Teresa.

"Cancer can be cured by wearing Saran-Wrap and dancing the waltz! Wagga wagga wagga!" Teresa answered.

A panicked aide ran into the room. "America has just suffered another terror attack!"

"Hey! My first priority is healthcare!" Kerry answered, "You tell those terrorists I served in Vietnam."

"But the Republicans in Congress won't pass your plan," the aide answered, "They hate you. They even passed a resoultion saying so."

"Don't they know who I am?!" Kerry fumed.

"My left shoe has magical powers!" Teresa exclaimed, "Wagga wagga wagga!"

They could hear an explosion nearby.

"So are you going to do anything about terrorism?" the aide asked.

"I'm outsourcing that problem to France," Kerry said.

"But I thought you made it clear in your campaign your against outsourcing?" a reporter asked.

"I thought I also made it clear I constantly change my mind on things," Kerry said indignantly. He then saw himself in the mirror. "Someone needs to paint me more orange!"

Rating: 2.5/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (18)
The Name of the Game
Posted by Frank J. at 06:33 PM | Email This

For those new to the game, the whole election is about Florida (where I am!) and Ohio. If either candidate gets both those states, it's pretty much over. If they're split, though, it's going to be a fun night!

Also, there is the possibility Bush could pick up New Jersey, Michigan, or Pennsylvania which also means it's all over.

But let's just focus on Florida and Ohio and ignore all other states; that will make things simple.

Rating: 2.1/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (11)
I'm Freak'n Out!
Posted by Frank J. at 06:29 PM | Email This

Some people seem to be freak'n out over the early exit poll data, but that's even less reliable than regular polls. Remember, Republicans have jobs so they'll probably be voting later in the day after work.

Chill, foo's.

Rating: 2.6/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (9)
IMAO Liveblogging Election 2004 Begins...
(wait for it)
Posted by Frank J. at 06:26 PM | Email This

It's time to start the IMAO liveblogging with me, Frank J., starring as The Blogger and you starring as The Readers.

I'm going to keep updating all night (or until I get sweepy) whether I have anything significant to say or not.

So get ready for some fun... but make sure you voted first! I don't care what state you're in, you'll want to tell your gandchildren that, when the chips were down, you voted for Bush. And, if you already have grandchildren, you can call them and tell them that now.

So let's get started...

P.S. I probably won't even bother to proofread, so try to make the best sense you can out of each post.

Rating: 2.2/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (8)
The Government is Always Trying to Keep the Blackfive Down
Posted by Frank J. at 05:15 PM | Email This

Blackfive ran into some big shenanigans - possibly being disenfranchised - trying to vote in Chicago, voter fraud capital U.S.A.

Man, I like that word... shenanigans!

Rating: 2.4/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (12)
Nothing Better Get in the Way of My Liveblogging
Posted by Frank J. at 04:29 PM | Email This

Is it just me, or has my site been down a lot today?

Rating: 2.3/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (18)
Posted by Frank J. at 02:04 PM | Email This

I hadn't been able to access my site for a couple hours, but now I can finally tell you all to stop e-mailing me about the blood-sucking monkeys in India. I check the DrudgeReport numerous times daily, so I already knew about it before the e-mails.

As for my opinion on it, many consider India the world's largest democracy, but I don't consider any country to be a true democracy while monkeys are running around - especially ones that suck blood. Fortunately, we don't have any of those shenanigans here today... so far.

Anyway, can’t wait for the work day to be over and to get to my liveblogging the election. Fun! Fun! Fun!

Rating: 2.3/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (13)
The Debate That Should Have Been
Posted by Frank J. at 10:16 AM | Email This

The lovely and talented SarahK has the transcript for a debate between two possible personalities we'll have to deal with for the next four years.

Rating: 2.3/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (7)
Osama Is Obviously a Member of Democratic Underground
Posted by Frank J. at 09:56 AM | Email This

If you haven't seen it yet, here's the full transcript of what Osama said in his tape. To me, his repetition of all the left's talking points makes him look especially pathetic while it makes the left look like... well, who they are.

Rating: 2.3/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Is There a Medical Condition Where You're Born with No Shame?
Posted by Frank J. at 09:17 AM | Email This

Michael Moore seems to be gloating about how Osama bin Laden saw his movie.

I think I'll repeat the same criticism of Moore I've always had: shave.

Fun, Election Day contest: Come up with the best adjective to describe Michael Moore and put in my comments section.

Rating: 2.4/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (104)
That Wacky Zogby
Posted by Frank J. at 08:50 AM | Email This

Zogby has everything resting on Florida right now, with that being the only state polled at a tie. Final Zogby polling will be out at 5pm, though.

I'm pretty sure I done voted...

UPDATE: More Andrew Sullivan craziness. He looks at the same results and says, "His penultimate poll basically gives the election to Kerry, barring Florida."

No, Zogby's poll says the election goes to whomever wins Florida and gives an advantage to neither.

UPDATE: Now Florida is in Bush's column, but Zogby says its a tie in PA and in VA (which was never considered a battleground state).

Rating: 3.3/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Election Day
Posted by Frank J. at 08:19 AM | Email This

What, no songs about Election Day?

Well, I wrote a song about it. Want to hear it? Here it goes...


Rating: 2.8/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (13)
There's No Whining in Democracy
Posted by Frank J. at 06:48 AM | Email This

Of all the things I hear going up to today's election, the one that annoys me the most are people mentioning "voter intimidation." Monitors are placed to make sure made up people like Mary Poppins, Dick Tracy, and Eminem don't vote, and somehow that's "intimidating."

(Say this in whiniest voice possible) "Oh! Someone looked at me funny! I can't vote now!"

People died so you can vote, dingus! If you can be intimidated from the vote, then you don't deserve it!

And I keep hearing how it's worst against minorities. So let me get this straight: the Republicans are sending some white guy in a suit into a minority district to intimidate all the black people.

Either I'm missing some major mechanics here or people are just being whiny little bitches. I know what answer I'm leaning for.

Well, polls are opening. Make sure to vote (unless you're foreign) and don't be intimidated.

As soon as I get back from work today, I'm putting on a pot of coffee and going to blog continuously until a winner is found or I just give up and go to bed. Hope you'll show up for the fun and festivities.

Rating: 2.3/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (36)
November 01, 2004
Be a Pundit! It's So Easy, a Monkey Can Do It!
Posted by Frank J. at 06:46 PM | Email This

Go here to make your predictions about the presidential election and be scored on how close you were.

Rating: 2.5/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (29)
Question of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 04:17 PM | Email This

Here's a hypothetical: After tomorrow, it's 269 electoral votes for each candidate, with a decisive victory in each state such that none are a dispute. Bush won the popular vote for what that's worth (first candidate to get over 50% since Bush the elder). The decision of the presidency would go to the Republican Congress, who then reelects Bush.

So, would the left claim another stolen election, or would they use some other rhetoric? Any change if Kerry won the popular vote?

I think they'll just say Bush stole the election, as, historically, the left has a very limited vocabulary (e.g. "No blood for oil!" and "It's just a tax cut for the rich!").

What do you think?

Rating: 2.6/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (49)
Everyone Can't Be a 100% Right All the Time Like Me
Posted by Frank J. at 01:21 PM | Email This

I thought I remembered one blogger arguing adamantly that Osama is dead, but I forgot who it was...

Anyway, read his final thoughts on the election.

Rating: 3.0/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (17)
Peace Gallery Update
Posted by Frank J. at 12:51 PM | Email This

Hooray! There have been updates to the Peace Gallery. New additions are Cowboy Blob, Reed the Viking, and Devil Dog.

Remember to buy IMAO t-shirts. Hooray!

Rating: 2.1/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (13)
Update on the Soldier in Need
Posted by Frank J. at 10:37 AM | Email This

You can now make a tax deductible donation to him through PayPal, plus the Patriette has some more details. Please help if you are able.

Rating: 2.5/5 (15 votes cast)

"Because of Charges of Bias, I Have Temporarily Replaced Dan Rather"
Posted by Frank J. at 10:33 AM | Email This

I know it's not the wackiest picture, but put in the comments section some funny things Osama could say.

Rating: 2.5/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (114)
In My World: The Final Hours
Posted by Frank J. at 06:39 AM | Email This

Previous Episode

* * * *

"Fahrenheit 9/11 was a real eye-opener for me," Osama said on the broadcast, "I mean, I hated and wanted to kill all Americans before then, but now I'm really disgusted by Bush's incompetence. Anyway, I just want to echo P. Diddy’s message and say, 'Vote Or Die,' but also add, 'Vote And Die.' I'm pretty set on killing you either way. I would like to add that I think Kerry would make a much better leader for your destruction than Bush; Kerry seems like a good man. I'll kill him last."

"Taunting me just before the election," Bush said as he shook his fist at the screen. "I'll show him by getting reelected, capturing him, and then strangling him with an extension cord. I even picked out the cord; boy was Laura angry when I unplugged it while she was watching her soaps."

Karl Rove emerged from the shadows. "We must focus on the battleground states. If Kerry takes them and becomes president, it will be doom... DOOM! Or, even worse, another Carter."

"I won't let that happen," Bush said firmly, "That's why I have Schwarzenegger and Giuliani getting my message out. Cheney even sped out to one state when we found out it could be in our column.

* * * *

Cheney sat near a beach in Hawaii drinking a Mai Tai. "Now this is campaigning."

Some Hawaiians walked up to Cheney. "We will only vote for Bush if you can best our champion in a surfing competition."

Cheney quickly finished his Mai Tai in one last gulp. "Ah, hell."

* * * *

"Also," Bush told Rove, "to make sure we aren't held up by false charges of voter intimidation, I sent Rumsfeld’s dog and U.N. peacekeeper Chomps to monitor heavily Democrat districts."

* * * *

"No one has been able to enter the polling place," said the anchorwoman, "Due to a violent rottweiler in a blue helmet attacking anyone who comes near. Some describe the dog as 'angry,' while others describe him as 'very angry.'"

* * * *

"Plus, I sent Condi to appeal to Latino voters."

* * * *

Condoleezza Rice smiled unconvincingly. "So who likes salsa?"

* * * *

"She's Latino, right?" Bush asked, "I forget what defines that."

"Let's not worry about that," Rove answered, "We also need to try and win some Democrats."

"I deployed Rumsfeld to do just that," Bush said proudly.

* * * *

"Numerous Democrats have been found dead," the anchorman reported, "Possibly victims of the so-called 'Rumsfeld Strangler.' Democrats are cautioned to stay indoors and, under no circumstances, vote."

* * * *

"You need to answer the charges of the missing explosives," Rove cautioned.

"I've been telling the press that they're in my garage!" Bush shouted, "They're only interested in making me look bad, though! When I get reelected, I vow to destroy them!"

"The destruction of the mainstream media has already been predicted in the Book of Punditry," Rove answered, "Quote, 'The media shall collapse under its own weight, and the truth shall be told by those in pajamas.' So keep your concern on this election. It must be known to the people that Kerry and Edwards are too incompetent to take on the terrorist threat."

* * * *

"Inject my face with more botulism and paint me orange again!" Kerry ordered, "I must look my best for when I'm elected!"

"And make sure to set aside five hours to ensure my hair look fab-U-lous!" Edwards said.

* * * *

"Then all that's left to do is to go out there and prove I'm extra competent," Bush said, "Hopefully the American people will be smart enough to recognize that." Bush then turned to head out to campaign.

"Good luck to you," Rove said, "but one last thing."


"Remember to put on some pants."

Bush looked down. "Oh yeah."


Rating: 2.3/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (20) | In My World

Buy IMAO T-Shirts

IMAO T-Shirts

The IMAO T-Shirt Babe
(winning picture) YOU BUY NEW SHIRTS NOW!!!
Yay! Books!

By Category
American Idol
Barackalypse Now
Best of IMAO 2002
Best of IMAO 2006
Bite-Sized Wisdom
Election 2008
Filthy Lies
Frank Answers
Frank Discussions
Frank on Guns
Frank Reads the Bible
Frank the Artist
Fred Thompson Facts
Friday Cat-Blogging
Fun Trivia
Hellbender Take Two
Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
I Hate Frank
If I Were President
ignis fatuous
IMAO Condensed
IMAO Exclusives
IMAO for the Non-Deaf
IMAO Reviews
IMAO Think Tank
In My World
In My World - Fan Fiction
John Edwards Fabulous Facts
Know Thy Enemy
Michael Moore
Mitt Romney Ads
News Round-Up
Newsish Fakery
No, McCain't
Our Military
Permalink Contest
Precision Guided Humor Assignments
Ron Paul, Ron Paul, Ron Paul
Ronin Profiles
Ronin Thought of the Day
SarahK's TV stuff
Scary Evil Monkey
Simpsons Trivia
Songs & Poems
State of the Frank Report
Totally True Tidbits
WEsistance Is Facile
Why Me Laugh?
Yvonne's Ashes
By Month
December 2008
September 2008
August 2008
July 2008
June 2008
May 2008
April 2008
March 2008
February 2008
January 2008
December 2007
November 2007
October 2007
September 2007
August 2007
July 2007
June 2007
May 2007
April 2007
March 2007
February 2007
January 2007
December 2006
November 2006
October 2006
September 2006
August 2006
July 2006
June 2006
May 2006
April 2006
March 2006
February 2006
January 2006
December 2005
November 2005
October 2005
September 2005
August 2005
July 2005
June 2005
May 2005
April 2005
March 2005
February 2005
January 2005
December 2004
November 2004
October 2004
September 2004
August 2004
July 2004
June 2004
May 2004
April 2004
March 2004
February 2004
January 2004
December 2003
November 2003
October 2003
September 2003
August 2003
July 2003
June 2003
May 2003
April 2003
March 2003
February 2003
January 2003
December 2002
November 2002
October 2002
September 2002
August 2002
July 2002
March 1933