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December 30, 2004
Hello, RightWingDuck here,
and it's time for those Predictions for 2005.
See, I've always been gifted with prophecy. This last election, I predicted that California would vote Democrat, that Utah would vote Republican, and that CNN would be publishing their voter guide - Reasons to Vote Kerry.
So without further delay, let me look into my crystal ball and share with you some of the exciting changes coming in 2005.
Michael Moore will suffer a stroke and recover. He will be so excited about life that he’ll create a series of workout videos like Richard Simmons. The videos will feature occasional snippets of President Bush playing golf.
John Edwards will suffer from a very nasty chemical reaction from bad hair care products. He will then go on to endorse a new line of Hair Products called “Recount”.
Jessica Simpson and, uh – that other guy, will go through a divorce. Launching a new series for Jessica – the Divorcee.
Michael Jackson will regain his fame with the Broadway hit, Alexander the Great – the Musical! Kids will get in free.
Rock Group King Missile, who once performed the hit, Detachable Penis, will perform for the UN and create a new hit – Detachable Backbone.
Puppy Blender Glenn Reynolds will announce his love for Debbie Reynolds. Indeed.
In celebration, he will add another ‘n’ to his name.
Andrew Sullivan claims he will support Glenn-n but only if he will concede that Gay Marriage is good.
Sullivan will reveal to the world that he has a secret crush on Groundskeeper Willie.
P. Diddy, (formerly Puff Daddy) will change his name to Gotta P.
Koffi Annan will announce his retirement and start a small business in the Cayman Islands with his son. For some reason, a small percentage of his inventory will disappear each month.
“Koju, have you seen it?”
Al Gore will meet with an embarrassing accident. While at a Lumber Company protest, he will be mistaken for a tree.
India will undergo a dramatic cultural revolution when they discover that Hamburgers are delicious.
Bill Clinton will star in a series of Infommercials. He will receive fame and fortune for his new line of stain removers.
The ACLU will file a suit against Santa Claus saying that his Naughty/Nice list is an extension of the Patriot Act.
A computer virus will strike the world’s computers – morphing them into full grown elephants.
This will be taken by Democrats as a sign of the apocalypse.
The four horsemen of the apocalypse will begin their ride. They will be promptly shot down by a Federal Air Marshall. Or we think, he will be very neatly dressed and not in any ‘official’ uniform.
The ACLU will sue the Air Marshall for denying the horsemen their civil rights.
It will be revealed that Aquaman can only swim by using those little arm floaties
Paris Hilton will be shunned by her family when she gets caught videotaping another sex scene – at a Holiday Inn!!
Panic will ensue in Paris, France when American tourists assume that there must be thousands of dead bodies everywhere. Turns out they were just confused by the smell.
Michael Moore will be attacked by a very jealous, very angry Richard Simmons.
Muslim Terrorist will overtake CNN and begin broadcasting. Three days later, the first viewer notices.
Five days later the first complaint is filed.
Okay Readers. Your turn.
What are your predictions for 2005?
BTW, RightWingDuck will be hosting its first ever caption contest. Make sure you drop bylater today. Prizes and everything.
Fun Facts About Hospitals
(A Guest Post by Harvey of Bad Example)
One of my blogdaughters, Tammi of Road Warrior Survival, recently had her mother go to the emergency room. She's ok, but she's going to be in the hospital for a few days.
I'd like to send her prayers, but I'm religiously "none of the above", and every time I try to pray, I get struck by lightning for my heathenly blaspheming.
So, I'll have to do the next best thing and try to cheer her up with these:
Hospitals are large buildings full of sickly people and machines with flashy lights that go "ping".
As are casinos.
The difference being that NOBODY leaves a hospital with more money than they came in with.
Unless they screwed the doctors over on a few games of 3 Card Monty.
If you're not sure whether you're in a casino or a hospital, light up a cigar and see if you get yelled at.
If you have a disease, you should immediately go to the hospital so that you can contract a more virulent one.
Not all buildings with doctors in them are hospitals. Some are golf course clubhouses.
Again, if you're not sure, light up a cigar.
Michael Jackson is NOT a doctor. Don't let him examine you!
If you're in a hospital and your heart machine flatlines, try defibrillating yourself a few times before bugging the nurses. Nobody likes a hypochondriac.
In a fight between Aquaman and a hospital, the outcome would depend on the cunning and ferocity of Aquaman's insurance company.
If a hospital bites you, you become one, after which you must let doctors inside of you, even if you aren't getting a prostate exam.
Hospitals are required by law to treat everyone who comes through their doors, whether they have insurance or not. That's why 90% of hospitals are surrounded by shark-infested moats.
The other 10% rely on minefields & barbed wire.
The most common ailments treated by hospitals are heart attacks, strokes, and shark bites.
The English word "hospital" comes from the French word hospitale, which means "we surrender".
As do most French words.
Monkeys don't use hospitals. If a monkey gets sick, its fellow tribe-monkeys turn on him and tear him apart while accusing elephants of causing the disease in the first place.
Much like Democrats.
The first hospitals were dank, run-down places where the sickly poor went to die. Modern hospitals are clean, efficient, well-lit places filled with cutting-edge medical technology, where the sickly poor go to die broke.
Doctors wear white coats to symbolize the purity of their souls, which are untouched by such human failings as sympathy, compassion, or mercy.
Wait... I was thinking of those bean-counting trolls in Accounts Receivable... Nevermind.
Traditional nurse's garb consists of a short white dress, white stockings, and a tiny white cap, none of which serve any practical purpose other than enticing men who have a fetish for that sort of thing.
About which I know nothing, so don't look at me like that.
Unless you're wearing a nurse's outfit.
Hospitals are full of sick people, and therefore must adhere to the highest standards of cleanliness and sanitation, which doesn't explain why hospital janitors tend to make Groundskeeper Willie look like Mr. Rogers.
Every patient admitted to a hospital is given a backless gown called a "johnny", the purpose of which is to allow easy removal for patient examinations and also to allow the hospital staff to indulge their chronic ass-fetishes.
About which I ALSO know nothing.
Anyone with video evidence to the contrary is cordially invited to shut the hell up!.
Not all hospitals are the same. Some specialize in particular areas of expertise, such as heart surgery or roulette.
Wait... I might be thinking of casinos...
Anyway, this should help comfort those with recent hospital experiences.
If you'd like to thank me, please post a picture of yourself wearing a nurse's outfit in the comments.
December 29, 2004
Fixin' The Stingy
[ A post by guest blogger RightWingDuck]
Who you calling Stingy?
When you first heard of this United Nation's Twerp calling us stingy, you probably had one of 3 reactions.
"You’ll take our Buck Fifty and like it."
"Who gives a crap what the United Nations thinks of us?"
"Are we paying your salary to ‘diss’ us, you ungrateful beyotch?"
Sure, the United Nations does a lot of good work. Like, um. Like supporting all those manufacturers of Blue helmets and meddlin’ in Saddam’s ass kicking! On the other hand, they are a very family oriented organization. Every day is Take Your Son to Work day, for Koffi that is – his son is skimming along nicely.
So while surfing I came across this post at Outside the Beltway. It has a chart showing the humanitarian aid given by different nations.
At first I thought, “Hey, we’re in ninth.” Then I looked at the numbers and realized that we gave craploads more money than anyone else. How could this be? Then is saw that it was humanitarian aid Per Capita. Actually, we gave less per day, per person than Norway.
My first reaction of course was to attack Norway. But that means dead Norwegees and that of course means their numbers per capita would only improve. That is so not fair!
Now, how can IMAO readers be such stingy MoFos?
Well, personally, I spend all my money on Frank J T-shirts and CD’s. Not the real stuff, that’s expensive. I bought the cheap knock offs they sell here in the Beverly Hills boutiques.
But there are a few ways to improve these numbers – dramatically.
My favorite solution is to declare yourself your own country and give more than the number one country. Norway donates 21 cents a day. Hmm, that comes out to (RWD takes off shoes and socks) about $76 a year.
First step, Declaration of Countryhood.
“I declare myself to be a free nation. Duck-o-stan. Newly liberated from the Peoples Republic of California.”
Then you can claim your rightful place on the list of generous countries.
“I gave more money than any other country. See, a receipt for $80.00. Give me recognition!!”
If they give you any guff, don’t be shy about using the amazing power of statistics.
“I received 100% of the vote!! I have a mandate. Listen to me and reward me generously.”
If they still balk, just try physical intimidation. Resistance should be minimal. Remember, the United Nations respects France.
“See this sharp pencil? I have more deadly firepower than any other country. Per capita – that is. Fear me!”
Note. Be careful no to bump into anyone. If you hurt them, technically, you would be responsible for more death and carnage than any other leader. This would be bad – but would also qualify you for the Nobel Peace Prize.
So. You have the option of making yourself number one. Hey, don’t any of you go getting the idea of giving more than $80. Are you trying to make me look stingy? Don’t make me shake my fist at you!
But, taking a look at this logically, I have to wonder if maybe the bottom line here isn’t an image issue.
Have we not been generous and respectful of the United Nations? Could that be why they don’t think very well of us?
Let’s ask ourselves some honest questions.
When you ask United Nations officials to carry your bags – do you tip them more than $1 a bag?
Do you tip them more than $1 total?
Have you ever asked a UN official “Can you please tell me what this document says?” and the document is in English?
Have you ever told Koffi, “Tell me where Osama is hiding and I’ll give you a nickel.”?
If so, then maybe we have to take a moment, look deep inside ourselves and …Ooooh, a nickel.
What was I saying?
Screw the United Nations.
No. Wait. Oh, yeah. Tell me, how do you think we could improve the UN’s perception of the United States? Remember, we’re all assuming that we give a damn. But I thought it might be fun.
We're Americans and We're Here to Help
I'd just like to reiterate what RightWingDuck said, and give you the link to the Command Post which has a ton of links for places to donate to to help victims of the tsunami. I know this isn't the best time of year for giving (too much credit card debt), but still try to donate what you can. I'd like to add the Salvation Army to the Command Post list whom I'll be making a donation to.
When Children Loiter
(A Guest Post by Harvey of Bad Example)
I was over at Susie of Practical Penumbra's blog where she was complaining about parents who leave their children at her movie theater, unsupervised, and don't pick them up until several hours after their movies end.
This is a problem.
However, as Isaac Newton once said, "for every problem, there is an equal and opposite solution."
Yes, I have flunked a few physics exams in my day, why?
Anyway, here are my Top Ten solutions:
10. Start every sentence with "Back when I was your age..." until they cover their ears and run out the door, screaming about how you're too old and you just don't understand.
9. Sell them as slave labor & help bring Nike's factories back to the good ol' USA!
8. To keep them from running around & making a lot of noise, turn on the giant electromagnet you probably have installed in your ceiling, which will immediately hoist the little brats up by their piercings. Let 'em dangle there. It builds character.
7. Put on tiny sunglasses and a black raincoat. Walk around offering them a choice between a red and blue pill.
6. Use them to experiment with innovative new clown-car-packing techniques.
5. Tie them up with their iPod cords and toss the little bastards into the dumpster out back. Hopefully this will teach them not to purchase proper nouns that capitalize their second letters. Trendy little punks! *shakes fist*
4. Launch them into space and make them watch bad movies as part of an evil scientific experiment.
3. Don't let them leave until they've worked up an entire Rocky Horror treatment for The Matrix. "We've got to find a phone" "CASTLES DON'T HAVE PHONES!*
2. Give them swords. Tell them "There can be only ONE!"
And the number one thing to do when children hang out in your lobby too long:
[looks at watch]
Aw crap. I gotta get to work.
Can I get a little help in the comments?
December 27, 2004
Fun Facts About Flying
(A Guest Post by Harvey of Bad Example)
I understand there was a ruckus at an airport recently, caused by something Frank J. did.
If only Frank had been smarter, this whole thing could've been avoided.
As a public service to IMAO readers - because I fear that Frank's ignorance may be contagious - I offer the following:
Flying was invented by the Montgolfier brothers in France, when they created the first balloon, which was inflated by hot air. However, after discovering the secret of inflating things with cooler air, they invented the inflatable girlfriend and eventually died as millionaires.
The flight data recorders in airplanes are called "black boxes" despite being orange. Similarly, the
In a fight between a jet airplane and Aquaman... *FWOOP*...*brbrbrbrbrb*... [red fog]
The average commercial airliner weigh 199 tons, as does the average Michael Moore.
The average commercial airliner is 231 feel long. If all the commercial airliners in the world were lined up end-to-end, you would be at O'Hare.
In the comic strip "Peanuts", Snoopy used to sit on his doghouse while pretending he was flying a Sopwith Camel and doing battle against the Red Baron. Rumor has it that Dan Rather frequently sat on the Bush National Guard memos while making airplane noises in attempt to make THOSE fly. They both ended up riddled with holes and screaming curses.
The first solo transatlantic flight was made by Charles Lindburgh, who landed in Paris, accepted the
By 1939, German anger at being stuck with France (and screwed out of their precious warm beer) reached such a fever pitch of frothing hatred, that either that or Hitler's megalomania caused WWII.
Monkeys - while an obvious menace to the human race for MANY reason - do NOT possess the power of flight, despite what you may have seen in Michael Moore's documentary, "The Wizard of Oz".
With the exception of a cow and a wooden rabbit, there was no actual "flying" in Monty Python's Flying Circus.
"Flying" fish don't actually fly, either, unless they're being served as airline food.
"Flying" squirrels DO actually fly. Or so claim Boris and Natasha.
When people fall out of bed, they frequently dream about flying in the split second before they hit the floor. I wonder if there's any significance to my dreams about shooting Britney Spears with a squirtgun?
Because commercial airliners fly in the uppermost reaches of the Earth's atomsphere, passengers are exposed to 50 times the normal level of gamma radiation while flying. If you are Bruce Banner, do not fly.
Jerry Garcia was the lead singer for the Grateful Dead.
If you don't know what that last item has to do with flying, then... Congratulations! You're NOT a filthy hippie!
Some people question whether it's worth the extra cost to fly First Class. Of COURSE it is! For the same reason you go careening onto a gravel shoulder at 90 mph to get around some Sunday driver creepin' along at 70! Because it's GOOD to be in front of other people! Me need be first NOW!
Flying Nuns are ok for short trips if you tune out the obligatory in-flight sermon.
If an airplane bites you, you will be forever cursed with the power of flight.
If you are forever cursed with the power of flight, don't give it up to impress some chick like that idiot Superman. You never know when you may have to battle General Zod.
Avoid Flying Viking Kittens at all costs lest you be taken to a Gay Bar.
If you have a pathological fear of flying, the best way to overcome it is to take long, slow, deep breaths, say to yourself repeatedly, "It's just like riding a bus", then chicken out and go Greyhound.
After that smelly, homeless guy sits next to you on the bus, flying won't seem nearly as scary anymore.
I know this because I'M the smelly, homeless guy, and I've cured thousands.
Although all airplanes have wings, not everything with wings can fly - for example: penguins, emus, and maxi-pads.
Bats are the only mammals that can fly. Batman - while technically a mammal - can't fly without mechanical assistance. However, he IS the reason that Aquaman fought that jet airplane, so we should cut him a little slack.
Well, that should be enough to keep Frank out of any future trouble.
Meanwhile, if you're looking for something else to read, I posted a sequel to my Fun Facts About Christmas guest post over at my place.
Hello, Guest Blogger RightWingDuck here.
I know by now you have heard of the tidal wave and the tremendous devastation it has caused. Personally, an attorney that did consulting with my company has gone missing in Thailand. We have heard nothing at this point but are praying for him and his family.
The Command Post has a great listing of Organizations who are working to provide aid to those affected.
Please drop by and give if you can.
If you can't - then just pray. For the victims. For their families. For the relief workers who are at work trying to separate survivors, deceased, and rubble.
December 25, 2004
Merry Christmas from the Real Frank J.
Merry Christmas everyone. I've been meaning to do the same thing for three Christmases now, but didn't have time so maybe it will be next year. Instead, you get a serious post. Sorry.
Today we celebrate the birth of the Prince of Peace, and thus I think it's appropriate we step back from politics and reflect on the peace we all seek in the end. Many times in politics, we lose sight that we all share the same long term goal and focus too much on the difference in means we try to use to get there. I know I've done that often, and I've certainly seen that a lot from the other side of the political spectrum. Today, let's pray together for the goals we all agree on: a real peace for everyone on earth.
Here's a nice little exercise I'm going to do and I think everyone should try: take some liberal you always wanted to write a hate letter to (or, if you happy to be a liberal, a right-winger) and instead write him or her a nice letter wishing him or her well (and meaning it) and reflecting on the goals we all share for the betterment of man. No political arguing, but just a nice letter. Do it for Jesus. And don't CC me; keep it personal.
Merry Christmas, once again. I appreciate all my readers, and I promise to be funny again soon (unless you were laughing at this post - which would just be mean).
-"Frank J." Fleming
Merry Christmas from Idaho-ho-ho
Sorry for the light posting. I've been extremely busy the last few days. Early Thursday, I hit the beach to work on my tan. I didn't want to look lily white when I got off the plane in Idaho to spend Christmas with my family. I don't mean to be immodest, but I think you could bounce a quarter off that rear-end.
Later Thursday my friend Bryce and I went to a cattle call audition for the part of Baby New Year 2005 in Disney World's big New Year's Eve celebration. I hadn't noticed on the call sheet that they were only looking for boys between the ages of 3 and 5, so it was mostly a wasted trip. But we did get to show off our costumes at a friend's boardwalk caberet--the Sex on the Beach was great.
I flew up north Thursday afternoon--luckily Air Idaho has service out of Orlando with short stops in Birmingham and Tupelo.
My Pops was waiting for me at the Boise International Airport. He happened to be in town to pick up some transistors, wire and blasting caps. I guess he's what you would call a professional hobbyist. He has sent out plenty of working models of his designs, but so far there has been little interest. He's working on a novel--I can't wait to read it.
My pops and I drove for about 4 hours from Boise until we got to my home town, Hayden Lake, Idaho. There is a main-trunk highway between the cities, but we prefer to stick to the back roads.
My parents live in a cabin about 5 miles NE of Hayden Lake. I think technically the cabin is built on national forest land, but we haven't had any trouble with park rangers since one of them went missing in the mountains behind our house.
By late Thursday night, the whole clan had made it to the cabin. Here is the latest family pic. Back row from left to right are my brother Skip, my dad Ted, my mom Droopie and me. Front row from left to right are my sister Mary Ann, my grandpa Frank Sr., my grandma Frau Helga, and inserted is a picture of my sister Katie Joe, who is serving a 2-5 year sentence for check forgery at the Idaho Institute for the Criminally Insane.
I've been having a great time since getting home. This morning I puttered around my Dad's shop, and made a few local deliveries for him.
In the afternoon we did some arts and crafts, and got out the printing press to run off some more custom currency. Most people don't know that the global economy is on the brink of collapse due to tinkering in the world markets by the Trilateral Commission, the Freemasons, the Knights Templar and the Mossad. Unlike the American dollar, my currency is secured by a large stockpile of gold and silver bars buried in my back yard. My currency can be used in the IMAO store and any store of an Alliance member. Just print off a couple sheets and send it in with your order. We haven't produced any coinage yet, so please round up.
I spent Friday afternoon in our radio shack. I'm trying to intercept high band radio beams being bounced off Syncom 3, the first stationary earth satellite launched in 1964 to telecast the 1964 Olympic Games from Tokyo. NASA will tell you that Syncom 3 burned up in the atmosphere 1977, but I have information that it is still in orbit and operational. A CIA black ops division has been using it to broadcast mind control beams
When Friday night rolled in, it was time to start the Christmas Eve festivities! While Mary Ann decorated the tree, the men got out our old barbershop quartet uniforms. We were regularly doing gigs before I went off to college, but we could never secure a recording contract. We're looking to go back out on the road, and need a new name--any suggestions? Anyway, Merry Christmas and all, and I'll return to normal posting on Monday.
December 24, 2004
The Worst Thing About Air Travel
Do you know what's the worst thing for me about traveling by airlines? It's actually illegal to tell jokes. Think about that. Everything in this world - every sound, every color, every word - exists in my mind solely as object to play jokes off of. And what's more parody-able than airline security? Yet I have to stand silent during these moronic procedings, holding back the witty comments that swell inside me, ready to burst. It's like having to hold it after drinking seven beers in one sitting.
"Sir, please take off your shoes and put them through the x-ray."
"You're not allowed to have this screwdriver attachment on your keychain."
"Could you hand check this; I'm afraid the x-ray will mess up the altitude trigger."
This ban on jokes predates 9/11, I believe. What was its purpose? Do they think that someone will eventually declare he's bringing a bomb on board, so they don't want people joking about to avoid the distraction? Or is this some sort of method of perserving solemnity for security screening as we walk barefoot through metal detectors?
Whatever the reason, I want my jokes back. You can take my guns, but, please, leave me my funny.
Fun Facts About New Year's
(A Guest Post by Harvey of Bad Example)
In a couple days, Christmas will be over, and it'll be time to turn our attention to the NEXT great excessive-eating-and-drinking holiday - New Year's Eve and/or Day (depending on what time it is) - hereinafter referred to as simply "New Year's".
So what is this holiday all about?
I'm glad you asked, because you've given me an excuse to post:
In a fight between Aquaman and New Year's, Aquaman would actually get a few good licks in on Baby 2005 before being beaten to death by Old Man 2004's cane.
Historically, the argument over the exact moment that the New Year should start has caused more wars than any other single issue. Damn you, International Date Line!
Terrorists celebrate New Year's by screaming, "Die, American Pigs!" and being vaporized by air strikes.
Just as the Chinese have a cycle of years named after animals, the French name their years after various national odors, such as "dead fish", "rotten eggs", "bad hamburger", "unwashed armpits", "soiled underwear", etc.
2005 is "poo".
On New Year's Day morning, most people wake up with the kind of hangovers normally experienced only by Sterno-drinking hobos and the Irish.
The Chinese celebrate New Year's on February 9th, because the godless commie bastards are trying to start a war!
John Kerry can't decide whether to celebrate New Year's on January 1st or February 9th. Damn flip-waffler!
New Year's used to be celebrated on July 4th up until 1776, when America stole that date for Independence Day in it's very first act of unprovoked unilateral agression.
The Americans were going to steal oil, but it hadn't been invented yet, and they had to steal SOMETHING.
Most New Year's resolutions are broken within 5 days of being made, although Frank J.'s been having pretty good luck with his resolution to indenture a gang of servant bloggers to keep his site going whilst he frolics semi-nakedly with a buxom T-shirt babe.
The traditional American way to celebrate New Year's is to wear funny hats and make obnoxious noises while milling about aimlessly. In France this is called "battle".
Although Americans don't usually end the night by surrendering en masse.
Except in Berkeley.
Eskimos used to celebrate New Year's by clubbing baby harp seals to death. This brutal practice was outlawed in 1971 after an Eskimo killed Aquaman by mistake.
Consequently, today's date is December 12,045th, 1971 in most Eskimo villages.
In the non-seal-clubbing parts of America, the changing of the year after December 31st is just a way for Bush to funnel cash into the pockets of all his Big Calendar cronies.
Who are all completely controlled by Halliburton.
And the JOOOOOOOS!
Rumor has it that SarahK's New Year's resolution is to trick Frank into wearing a "Cavity search me, I'm a terrorist" T-shirt through airport security.
Well, I hope that helps you make the transition between holidays. However, if you're still stuck in the Christmas mood, I have three things for you.
1) Let's refer to this one as the "1:30am karaoke version" of "Oh Holy Night".
2) A sick and wrong re-lyricing of "Holly Jolly Christmas".
3) An even sicker and wronger re-lyricing of "Here Comes Santa Claus".
Those last two are completely without any redeeming social value whatsoever. If you choose to click on them, don't come crying to me later about your shattered soul and lost innocence.
You've been warned.
December 23, 2004
Surviving the Cold
This is Guestblogger RightWingDuck.
If you’ve been reading the news, you know that a huge cold spell is going to be sweeping across several parts of the country.
People, I understand cold. I live here in Pasadena California, and last night it got down to 62 degrees. It’s so cold that I might stop wearing shorts.
I thought, with my cold survival skills, I could probably save a lot of lives by sharing what I know.
So here we go.
RightWingDuck’s tips for handling a freezing spell.
Tip #1. Stay inside. It’s usually warmer inside. One of the biggest mistakes people make during a snow storm is to go outside. I find that most of the coldness is on the outside. Therefore, I recommend avoiding it whenever possible. Going outside during a snowstorm is like walking backwards in a horror movie- you're just asking for trouble.
Tip # 2. Fire is your friend. It’s not just for collecting insurance money.
Tip # 3. Avoid wearing shorts. That’s bad. Unless you have really nice legs, in which case, it would be worse not to share them with the world. Sometimes you have to use your own judgment.
Tip # 4. Contrary to popular opinion, booze will not help you stay warm. Um. I had a point, but I forgot. It must be the booze.
Tip #5.Tank tops look cool. But may not work in a freezing winter storm.
Tip #5. Booze will not help you stay warm, but it can help you lose track of time. During a snow storm that works out nicely since you may lose power and not have any clocks. Drinking in the dark during a snowstorm doesn’t make you an alcoholic. Or, at least, I don’t think so – I’ll have to check my Dr. Phil books.
Tip # 6. If you drive a convertible, make sure you put the top up. Snow and cold can ruin your seats and can keep you from hearing your stereo.
Tip #7. When it gets really cold, some white powder will come floating down. This is called (Looks at dictionary) – Snow.
Tip #8. Don’t eat the yellow snow. Believe me, it tastes awful and your friends will laugh at you.
Tip #9. If you see a bunch of white powder on a mirror, it’s probably just cocaine. That’s okay, I guess. (Note- Neither RWD nor IMAO advocate the use of cocaine for non-medical purposes)
Tip #10. Don’t sniff the yellow cocaine.
Tip #11. Sometimes making snowmen can be fun. This involves going outside. See tip #1.
Tip #12. Booze is good. Just don’t drink too much or you’ll wake up hungover lying next to a yellow snowman.
Tip #13. Mother Earth Magazine has great tips for staying warm while using little energy. Toss the magazine into the fireplace. Ahh. That's better.
Tip # 14. Most of your body heat is lost through you head. Don’t stick your head out the windows.
Tip #15. Running your heater can drive up heating costs. Balance it out by turning off your fridge and putting some of your food outside. Have fun with it – can you say Beer-sicles?
But I’m sure you guys have much better ideas.
Tell us. Do YOU have any tips for handling a snowstorm?
PS. RWD has moved. I am now at www.rightwingduck.net.
Fun Facts About Love
(A Guest Post by Harvey of Bad Example)
From the looks of this post, I'm guessing Frank J. & SarahK have a "thing" going.
They might even be in love.
But it's hard to tell, because so few people really understand what "love" is.
So, in an effort to shed some light on this baffling topic, I present:
Love is one of a human being's strongest needs, surpassed only by food and groin-kicking filthy hippies.
Love is like an unquenchable thirst, though it can be temporarily sated with fluids other than water.
The easiest way to tell if someone loves you is to tell them they have a nice ass. If they file a sexual harrassment suit, it's love.
No, I'm NOT a lawyer. Why do you ask?
The best way to show someone you love them is by buying them expensive gifts. The poor are simply unworthy of love.
Michael Moore is, technically, poor.
Love is full of strange, confusing contradictions, and at times makes no sense whatsoever, yet it should not be confused with the UN, since love rarely involves oil-related scandals.
Despite what you may have been taught in school, love is more than just a few cigars and a stained blue dress
Love means never having to say you're sorry, mostly because when you screw up, you will need to make a MUCH longer speech than that.
For best results, include bended-knee grovelling and a lot of diamonds.
I *told* you love wasn't for the poor.
The French are reputed to be experts in love, mostly because it's something they can surrender to.
You never know when love will strike, which makes it similar to terrorists. If you see love, shoot it, just to be safe.
Some people will need Viagra for this.
Some types of love are actually unhealthy. For example, if your love involves handcuffs, ostrich feathers, or spankings, it's fine.
Love is a many-splendored thing, much like the diamond necklace you'll be buying when you screw up.
Again - not for the poor.
Money can't buy happiness, but it CAN buy love. Although I've found that the healthy kind usually costs a little extra.
Love was originally invented by Microsoft, thus explaining its chronic instability.
In a fight between love and Aquaman, love would conquer all, and Aquaman would confess his secret longing for King Neptune.
Long-lasting love can be achieved by filling out the on-line registration form and only using fully licensed versions. In the long run, pirated love will only bring misery, despite requiring fewer diamonds initially.
For more information on the ins and outs of love (which only SOUNDS dirty) see the Love Notes category at Bad Example. Those with delicate sensibilities are urged to think twice before choosing to view the comments.
December 22, 2004
Dances Most Happy
Sorry for those who weren't able to purchase the IMAO Christmas CD in time; I thought we had more we were selling than we were. My bad. For those who didn't get to see the Happy Dance, I'll probably put up some more images after the Christmas holiday.
As for those who got the CD, I want feedback! How'd you like the new bits and especially the Happy Dance? The video editing software I bought even came with a big green tarp for green screening, so I might do more stuff in the future.
Oh, and Scott, please e-mail if you're reading this. I don't have your e-mail (it's at home which I won't be at until the 2nd), and I have some info for you.
Merry Christmas, y'all.
Despite His Rage, He's Just a Rat in a Cage
Daily Kos is a very popular blog (usually surpassing Instapundit in traffic), and it's a very sad thing to read. Here we have a fringe lunatic trying to explain political strategy, and does he think any troops really appreciate his crocodile tears? While the dead and wounded are tragic to us, to him they're just numbers to beat down political opponents with. You just want to shake your head.
But it's Christmas, so let's put the Christmas spirit to good use and help Zuniga get some help. It would first start with an intervention.
BLOGGERS: You're a nut.
Then, we should have a charity to get Markos Zuniga psychological help:
PSYCHOLOGIST: Here's a ball. Would you like to play with it, Markos?
It will take a long time and be hard work, but I believe in my heart that Zuniga can be helped. He's just one of many judging from the comments on his page (unless that's his multiple personalities conversing with each other), but you have to start somewhere.
The lynx is coming, my friend; the lynx is coming.
Holiday Headline Fun
I'm leaving for Boise later today, but let's have some more headline fun - because it's FUN:
Gang of 20 pulls off huge bank robbery
You can play at home in the comments, and check out reader contribution from yesterday (many of them much funnier).
December 21, 2004
Kos Destroys Another 22 Families
Another tragedy in Iraq:
A mortar and rocket attack on a U.S. military base in the Iraqi city of Mosul killed at least 22 people and wounded more than 50 on Tuesday in one of the most deadly attacks on U.S. forces since last year's invasion [...] Iraqi militant group Ansar al-Sunna, a major player in the insurgency against the U.S.-backed government and U.S. forces, said it was behind the attack.
People like Markos “Screw Them” Zuniga have done his best to side with the enemy against our military as to spite Bush's politics. Who will be the last to die for his rhetoric and partisan hatred?
IMAO Employee Relocation Program
The board of directors has decided that, in the interest of IMAO shareholders, all IMAO employees should be in the same vicinity for greater efficiency. Thus, SarahK, the IMAO t-shirt babe, is being relocated to Melbourne, Florida, the headquarters for IMAO International, at the beginning of next year so there will be a shorter time between new t-shirt release and new modeling photos (I still need to get the photos up for the last three shirts).
Details of the move are here.
Excuse me while I go Happy Dance.
You Put This Sort of Energy Towards Criminals, You Might Stop an Actual Crime
In a post where Michelle Malkin links to SarahK's and my silly little story, she has a link to a blogger getting harassed and arrested for legally possesing a gun by a cop who seems to have a chip on his shoulder. Everyone check it out and help in anyway you can.
UPDATE: Just to be clear, I'm not trying to be anti-police officer. I've known many good ones throughout my years, and my dad almost was one. I know the pressures of the job can get to any good man, but this incident seems like clear harassment with no suspicion of any real wrong-doing.
Damn, it didn't work. Got more comment spam. Here's my next idea: While really good computer chess programs can challenge a good player, the Chinese game Go is so complex that even the best Go computer program can easily be beaten by even a decent player. So, all of you will have to practice to be good at Go, and then I'll put the best Go computer program on my website. If you can beat it within a couple hours, that should prove you're human and thus allow you to comment.
Or I'll rename the comment.cgi like some people suggested.
December 20, 2004
You'll Get My Full-Capacity Magazine when You Operate the Cold, Dead Magazine Release
Got this from the NRA:
ALERT ! "Assault Weapons" & Magazine Ban filed by Florida Senator
Not just bans, but confiscations - including of magazines. Now, the only full-capacity magazine I had I gave to SarahK in a highly publicized event (I prefer 1911s with 8rd Wilson Combat magazines), but this is pretty messed-up. I assume there is no way this bill will get any traction, but who proposed it should be publically pistol-whipped by the governor as an example to others.
UPDATE: Here's the bill from the Florida Senate website. Here's Margolis's page. Here's her e-mail: firstname.lastname@example.org. Everyone send her a quick e-mail and tell her she is a muckadoo. If she asks what that means, tell her it's a slur for Hispanic Jews.
Links of the Day
Sorry for the light blogging... no, wait, I'm not sorry. Even Best of the Web is off now. Still, I'll try and keep up the funny until I head to Boise.
Anyway, John Hawkins has his 3rd Annual Twenty Most Annoying Liberals In The United States.
While Bush made Time's Man of the Year, Powerline made Time's Blog of the Year. Kudos to them, and I better start lobbying for next year.
Thanks for Buying My CD
I got a message from Scott we're done taking orders on the IMAO Christmas CD. Thanks to everyone who bought it and hope you enjoy it and have a Merry Christmas.
UPDATE: What the hell: Merry Christmas to all my readers.
Guess it's back to hocking t-shirts. I still need to get up the new modeling photos, some them shown here.
The Fight with Comment Spam, IMAO CD Troubleshooting, and Christmas Schedule
Comment spam keeps getting worse and worse. I use MT-Blacklist to clean some of it up, but that just slows it down. Right now the oil is still gushing into my ocean and onto the beach, and I have to stop the flow before I can worry about cleaning up. As an attempt at that, you now have to preview any comment before posting. If that doesn't work, I may use a code system like SarahK (I'd rather that than registration). Since you'll have to preview, use more html tags. I'll later add instruction on how to do a hyperlink to the comments section for those not as familiar with HTML.
Now, if that stops it, I have no idea how I can clean it up. MT-Blacklist can't search back far enough to find it all, and it would take forever to go through each individual post. I'm thinking there must be some solution where I export all my posts and comments as one big text file and do a function on that. Might have to write my own program if no one has one to do that. Better think about putting a Linux install on my old computer...
As for the IMAO Christmas CD, I assume some of you have gotten it by now. Make sure to tell me what you think, especially about the Happy Dance (without giving out details). That was my very first video editing.
Anyhoo, it should be known that the tracks start at track 2, and track 1 is the data (namely the Happy Dance). Also, the Happy Dance is an mpeg 4, so update your decoders (just get the latest version of Windows Media Player - it's less evil that their other products).
Blog posting is going to start winding down. I leave for a Christmas vacation with my family in Idaho Wednesday night and won't be back until Janurary 2nd. My parents now have a cabel modem, and I may post some (I'll try to have a special Christmas post), but it's time to focus on family. I'll open my blog to my guest bloggers, though, if they feel like posting anything.
Be honorable, ronin.
They Call it a "Royale with Cheese"
Just gave a pint of blood which got me thinking: In Europe, do they give a liter of blood? Actually, since a liter is bigger, do they give 0.568 liters to equal a good ole American pint? So, do any of my nationally challenged (i.e., foreign) readers know the answer to that one?
As Punishment for Almost Getting SarahK Arrested and Putting Her on a Watch List...
... I had to go to a soap store with her at the airport.
As SarahK admired all the funky looking soap, the shop clerk happily informed us that all the soap was handmade without chemicals. I was about to inform her that was impossible because all substances are composed solely of chemicals, but SarahK hit me.
My Gift to SarahK Was So Great, All the Police Wanted to See
I gave SarahK a present to take home with her with the instruction not to open it until Christmas. Long story short, Orlando security was temporarily shutdown and SarahK was surrounded with police.
I thought she was going to check that bag!
Anyway, a portion of the profit from each IMAO Christmas CD goes towards the SarahK defense fund.
December 18, 2004
Guest Bloggers Are All the Rage, and I Started It
Michele of A Small Victory has a guest blogger, and there is something really cool about him that I can't quite put my finger on it (actually, he tells a great Christmas story; go read it).
BTW, not much time left to order the IMAO Christmas CD and get it time for Christmas. You can all sit around the fire, sip egg nog, and listen to the tale of Bush saving Christmas from the terrorists. Afterwards, you can see the greatest thing ever put to film - The Happy Dance.
That link again is the IMAO Christmas CD.
Remind me later: we need to talk about my Christmas schedule and how that will affect the free ice cream.
December 17, 2004
One of My Readers Has to Be Smart
I got this IDE to ATA converter and put it on my 120GB IDE IBM hard drive, but have been unable to get my computer to recognize there's anything there. Any ideas how to troubleshoot? I put the jumpers on the hard drive to master since I wasn't sure what there should be for this.
UPDATE: Yeah, I checked the BIOS (first thing I did) and turned on all the SATA ports (there are four of them - one used by the harddrive it came with). I'm starting to think I'll just wait until I run out of space and buy a SATA drive...
Holiday Gift Advice from IMAO
Know what would make a great gift got the holidays? The IMAO Christmas 2004 CD! Own some IMAO humor for your very self or as a gift for loved ones. You only have until Sunday to order it in time for Christmas (and who knows how long until the limited edition CD sells out). Again, when you receive, please comment on how you liked it (without spoiling anything about the Happy Dance).
Also, IMAO t-shirts make great gifts. Make sure that everyone has a W2 shirt in time for Bush's inauguration (only sold out in 3XL - considering the number of orders Doug has filled so far, he must have printed up a ton).
Also, don't forget great autographed books from Premiere.
And any patriot will love Whittler's book Silent America. If you haven't read his essays before (or haven't read them all), then now's a great time to order and see them. If you have read them all, then you already know how worthwhile the book is. Go to his website to order (and his story about Michael Moore appearing on the show he works for).
Time is running out to get things shipped by Christmas!
That reminds me, I still have a bunch of presents to buy. What do I get for the T-Shirt Babe who has everything (namely me)?
Headline Fun IV
Extra! Extra! Read you headlines!
Headlines grabbed from Google News unless otherwise noted:
From CNN's frontpage: Jim Carrey, other stars flee hotel fire in London
This feature had become so popular, that I'll have to cut back number of reader citations. Here's a couple funnies in the comments from the last post, but, if you have time, I recommend going back and checking them out yourself:
* * * *
Pedro knows a good deal when he sees it
But he took a job with the Mets anyways.
Posted by: NMUSpidey on December 15, 2004 01:02 PM
* * * *
Stocks slip on oil
Stocks now seeks $24 billion in lawsuit.
Posted by: Son of Risasi on December 15, 2004 01:21 PM
* * * *
From New York Times:
God, who also made strawberrys, blueberries, vows to appeal
Posted by: basil on December 15, 2004 01:23 PM
* * * *
Judge's Ten Commandments Robe Sparks Debate
Debate ended abruptly when judge disrobed.
Posted by: gaskar on December 15, 2004 01:29 PM
* * * *
From Chicago Sun-Times:
Family tracks down and buries Dad despite his protests
Posted by: basil on December 15, 2004 01:49 PM
* * * *
Jenna Bush to Teach in D.C.
Georgetown U students eager to learn how to fake IDs.
Posted by: sarahk on December 15, 2004 02:14 PM
* * * *
DOJ Asked to Probe Spy Leak
Jack Bristow said no, told DOJ to step back.
Posted by: sarahk on December 15, 2004 02:15 PM
* * * *
"Smiley face went crazy" says witness
Posted by: Johnny Catbird on December 15, 2004 02:15 PM
* * * *
"APOLOGIES FOR 'FLORAL SWASTIKA'"
They were all out of chocolate swastikas.
Posted by: right on December 15, 2004 06:50 PM
* * * *
Now go at him again in the comments, ronin.
Get 'em, boys; get 'em!
Muckadoos: Pest or Nuisance?
New crazy muckadooery from Democratic Underground. A woman who was eight months pregnant was murdered and the baby was cut from her stomach. Since its possible the baby is still alive, an Amber Alert was issued. But the CNN headline reads "U.S. alerts for stolen fetus" and the story describes who they are searching for as "an 8-month-old white female fetus" even though what we're clearly dealing with is a baby. D.U. agrees with me on this, but they’re shaking their tiny fists in impotent rage because they think the reason the baby is being called a fetus is because of Christian fundamentalists in control of the media.
Try and follow the twists and turns of that logic without getting lost.
If regular people are on Earth, these people are way up flying through the cosmos - angry at everything they see. So, how many of these people are there? Are they just a tiny minority of complete nutsos, or do we need to keep our shotguns loaded?
Frank Advice for Restoring the Democratic Party
The Democrats are in disarray and need a new leader, if you haven't heard. I think I have the perfect person: me!
"But you're loyal to the Republicans!" you're probably now saying.
True, but, like any good loyalty, it can be bought.
So, for the right price, I will help Democrats with ideas like these:
* Make a great recipe for nachos. Then, if someone says, "You're nothing but tax-happy, whiny, pacifist wussies," you can answer, "Yes, but try our nachos."
* The Democrats are getting too associated with nutso lefties and moronic Hollywood elitists. Have a super-huge "progressive" celebration hosted by Michael Moore in which all the Hollywood left and other muckadoos are invited. Then, burn down the convention center. Make sure no one survives. Act really sad about it for at least three days.
* Democrats need to train hard to stop being such "girly men." There will be a rigorous exercise routine every morning, afternoon, and at dusk. Finally, Democrats will be dropped into the middle of a forest with nothing but a survival knife. Those who return will be fit to run for office. All others shall feed the worms!
* Democrats need a cool name. The current name is just too ugly sounding.
"Honey, I just finished cleaning some crat out of the gutter."
Instead, change name to something that's popular, like 'NSync.
* In a popular book among dejected loser Democrats, it’s explained how using euphemisms can help Democrats convince people to their side. Why stop there? Instead, let's come up with completely made up, nice-sounding words for bad things. "Taxes" can be skooble. "Abortion" can be chirpy-diddle.
"We need more skooble to get chirpy-diddle for the poor. Who could be opposed to something so cromulent?"
* Enfranchise monkeys. Studies show that monkeys respond better to the simpler shape of the 'D' than the more complex shape of the 'R'. This should make them a solid Democrat voting block. Be careful, though - they bite!
* Two words for attracting more people to the Democratic Party: Free hat.
* Have a gladiatorial arena for settling inter-party disputes. Those who survive will once again be the stronger candidates. All others shall feed the worms!
* Poisoning your opponent seems to be all the rage in Ukraine; maybe we should import that.
* Since Republicans seem to have a monopoly on the Christian God, try gaining the support of the gods of old like Zeus of the Greeks and Odin of the Norse. Have them challenge the power of the one God. Hopefully that will work out well.
* If worse comes to worst, you can always put LSD in the water come election day.
With all this advice, Democrats should do super-good. Now give me money!
December 16, 2004
For all the contest winners, your book orders have been placed.
For everyone who didn't win, it's probably a good idea to order soon if you'd want to get one as a gift in time for Christmas.
(BTW, when I get my book out, I'll make sure there's a way to get an autographed copy... I probably should start working on that now...)
No One Can Be Told What the Happy Dance Is; He Has to See It for Himself
Scott McCollum has this message about the IMAO Christmas 2004 CDs:
Wow, the IMAO Christmas 2004 CDs are going fast... To those who have already ordered THANK YOU VERY MUCH!
When you people get them, please tell me what you thought of the new content and especially of the Happy Dance. DON'T post any spoilers about the Happy Dance; I want everyone who sees it to be surprised... surprised with happiness!
Description of the full contents of CD, a montage (MONTAGE!) of clips of the new audio, and a teaser image for the Happy Dance is here.
Funds go towards future IMAO projects, so order soon and have a merry Christmas!
The Brain of the Muckadoo
I was looking at this post on The DailyKos, and the reaction to it by the muckadoos is amazingly moronic. It's like they think that no father has ever died in a war before (or anywhere else). Their whole "logic" is that, because something tragic happened in a war, that proves it was wrong. Oy. Someone get them a Cluebat™. Through no fault of his own, Bush has apparently driven a number of people completely nuts.
My advice: pray for their sanity and get a concealed carry permit. These people do walk the streets. You are warned...
Real Death Penalty Reform Means Bringing Back Execution by Pit of Doom
An Editorial by Frank J.
With Scott Peterson being sentenced to death, more people are focusing on the topic of the death penalty. Since that penalty is subject to numerous appeals and can take twenty years or more to carry out (or never get carried out at all because of DNA "evidence"; meh), the death penalty is not a good enough deterrent and very costly.
"How dare you defy The Pit of Doom!"
Back in the olden days, things were different. If someone was sentenced for stealing chickens, the judge would intone, "Take him to the pit... The Pit of Doom!" and justice was carried out swiftly as the thief was thrown into the ominous pit of unknown depths and unknown horrors. What was in The Pit of Doom? No one knows, for The Pit is a mysterious thing. Judging from the screams of those thrown inside, it is filled with many things of unspeakable terror. It is best to leave these things unknown to God-fearing people.
Eventually these pits became neglected and had trash thrown in them more often than criminals. Still, they can be refurbished and used again. Most I know of are located in the Middle East and Africa, but I think there is also one in Wisconsin. It was used by the
I say we reopen the pit of doom. Think of how that will change sentencing. The jury will walk out and say, "We sentence the defendant to..." Then all the lights in the court will dim. "The Pit of Doom!"
"No! Not The Pit of Doom!" the criminal will scream, instead of that usual blank stare during sentencing.
"Yes, The Pit… of Doooom!" the juror will answer (that part is optional).
Then the criminal will be led out screaming and thrown into the pit. Soon his screams will be heard no more.
Other great things about execution by Pit of Doom is that it refutes many of the current objections about death penalty. Many say the worst thing about the death penalty is that it can't be reversed if it was done by mistake, but, with The Pit of Doom, no one can be sure the person was executed. To find out, you'd have to go into The Pit of Doom yourself... and you would not return! Were one ever to survive The Pit of Doom, he would be exonerated of his crimes.
Such a thing has never happened, though.
So lobby your Congressman to bring back The Pit of Doom. It... What? You do not like my idea? How dare you defy The Pit of Doom! Perhaps you will think differently when you see it up close...
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as "Reverse Psychology and It's Uses: You're Probably Too Dumb to Read this Book, So Don't Even Bother Trying" and "The Christmas Meltdown: Why Our Consumerism Culture is All Jesus’ Fault".
I Thought Spree Was a Type of Candy
What's funnier than joking about going on a killing spree of Republicans?
Probably knock knock jokes.
Wait, I think my original question was rhetorical. Anyway, a faculty member at University of Wisconsin-Stevens Point wrote a satirical column about the aforementioned subject, and I'd condemn it more if I were more sure I hadn't written jokes about killing sprees myself. Anyone feel like checking my archives?
The Final Contest Post
I... What am I doing? You're not even reading this. You're quickly commenting and seeing if you won? Done? Good.
Well, I'd like to thank Premiere Speakers Bureau for holding this contest. If you have speaker needs or are a college student who can help bring in speakers, I hope you'll keep them in mind. In the least, look them over and see all the different speakers they offer. I'll be sending out the list to them of winners as soon as I get the final one's information, and you should get your books in time for Christmas.
Everyone else, you can still order autographed books for great Christmas gifts. I've decided to go with the Ann Coulter book; she scares me and should probably make for an entertaining - albeit polemic - read.
And, like that, the contest ends. Be honorable, ronin.
The Hate-Filled Lefty Meets Opressed Muslims
Fair warning: Final contest post follows this one in a couple minutes, so be ready.
Anyhoo, if you aren't refreshing like crazy, here's everyone's favorite lefty - the hate-filled one!
Hooray! Me draw good!
December 15, 2004
Site Was Down
Anyway, it's back, so come get your free book from Premiere Speakers Bureau by commenting. Quick! Be first!
Not sure what's left to talk about... well, maybe you can help me pick out a book. Which is your favorite choice from those available?
Off topic, have you heard about the strict dress code for Air Marshals? I just saw Michelle Malkin on FOX News a little bit ago, and it seems like one of the dumbest things. The Air Marshals should be able to dress how they want... just don't grow a giant mustache like Serpico.
One more book giveaway tomorrow... probably early so I can send the info out to Premiere to get everyone their books.
IMAO Special Projects
In the interest of keeping IMAO shareholders informed, here are the IMAO Special Projects in the works:
Current Project: Selling Christmas CD
Next Project: In My World™ book covering Bush's first four years
Future Project: Super Secret Black Project Insano (details classified)
Any readers interested in helping out can buy my CD (projects need more funding!). Also, I know I've asked this before, but I need something to construct a timeline of the top news stories since Bush was inaugurated in 2001 so I can make IMWs covering the periods previously unparodied by me. Help on that would be greatly appreciated.
Headline Fun III
Yay! Headline Fun™!
Australia: Terrorists to target Hilton hotel in Indonesia
Here are some even funnier ones from my readers from yesterdays's post (basil seems to be the star so far):
* * * *
from Wash. Times
Rumsfeld targets reporters. Pentagon Chief proves to be better shot. Firefight over in seconds.
Posted by: Plea Deal on December 14, 2004 01:55 PM
* * * *
Scientists name it "mud."
Posted by: basil on December 14, 2004 01:57 PM
* * * *
CNN: Peterson's lack of emotion doomed him.
Using his wife as an anchor probably didn't help.
Posted by: Confederate Yankee on December 14, 2004 01:58 PM
* * * *
MSNBC: France opens worlds tallest bridge
Invading German armies can now see white flags hanging from 50% further away than on old bridges.
Posted by: Confederate Yankee on December 14, 2004 02:06 PM
* * * *
From Washington Post:
... despite DNC demands for recount.
Posted by: basil on December 14, 2004 02:06 PM
* * * *
From the Washington Post:
Just the latest setback in school's attempt to hire a football coach.
Posted by: basil on December 14, 2004 02:09 PM
* * * *
From NY Times: United and Pilots Reach Tentative Labor Deal:
"You fly de plane = We pay you de money."
Posted by: Mr. Bubble on December 14, 2004 02:22 PM
* * * *
Another deadly bomb hits Green Zone
Soldiers Reminisce On Days of Safe Bombs
Posted by: Junglejake on December 14, 2004 02:29 PM
* * * *
From USA Today:
John Cleese re-packed in peanuts, returned.
Posted by: basil on December 14, 2004 02:37 PM
* * * *
Pam Gets a Sitcom
Mazola recieves three picture deal.
Posted by: Josh on December 14, 2004 02:38 PM
* * * *
From: ConfederateYankee.blogspot.com: Happy Armed Jews Week!
Unhappy Headless Hamas Week yet to be scheduled.
Posted by: Mr. Bubble on December 14, 2004 02:41 PM
* * * *
From USA Today:
Evidence of hyphen confirmed.
Posted by: basil on December 14, 2004 02:42 PM
* * * *
Google to Scan Rare Books
why don't they just read the Cliffs Notes?
Posted by: sarahk on December 14, 2004 02:49 PM
* * * *
Blockbuster Ending Late Fees
leg-breaking will replace it as the on-time returns incentive.
Posted by: gaskar on December 14, 2004 02:54 PM
* * * *
From The Milwaukee Channel:
Posted by: basil on December 14, 2004 03:01 PM
* * * *
Budget deficit now stands at $115,199,999,999.75
Posted by: basil on December 14, 2004 03:25 PM
* * * *
From the New York Times:
Previous role as special interests lapdog yet to be filled.
Posted by: basil on December 14, 2004 03:31 PM
* * * *
"BBC viewing figures fall to all-time low"...
Scientists stymied as to how viewership can fall below zero.
Posted by: Nobody Move! on December 14, 2004 03:37 PM
* * * *
France Blocks Hezbollah TV
Hezbollah kicks France's ass then continues watching.
Posted by: gaskar on December 14, 2004 03:38 PM
* * * *
Bush Awards Freedom Medal
congratulates freedom on being "really cool."
Posted by: sarahk on December 14, 2004 04:00 PM
* * * *
The Hormel Company is finally located.
Posted by: basil on December 14, 2004 04:34 PM
* * * *
Charges were dropped when it was discovered he really was black.
Posted by: Moe on December 14, 2004 04:38 PM
* * * *
Wife regrets husband's $314M lottery windfall
Wife's Chief Complaint, Nothing Left To Complain About.
Posted by: spacemonkey on December 14, 2004 05:00 PM
* * * *
UN Calls for Immediate End to Congo Fighting
Fighting stops, Combatants Laugh, Fighting Resumes.
Posted by: spacemonkey on December 14, 2004 05:07
* * * *
Report: Fewer executions in 2004
-- Texas vows to pick up the pace
Posted by: Stephen on December 14, 2004 08:12 PM
* * * *
Iraq trials on tap
Guinness and Budweiser dismiss new "Iraq Trials" as cheap Muslim beer.
Posted by: Army NCO Guy on December 14, 2004 08:18 PM
* * * *
Fed raises another quarter
State ups them a dime. County calls, shows straight flush
Posted by: Army NCO Guy on December 14, 2004 08:32 PM
* * * *
Joker in Bin Laden Mask Shot
Riddler in Arafat mask and Penguin in Saddam mask escaped the scene on foot.
Posted by: Army NCO Guy on December 14, 2004 08:44 PM
* * * *
U.S. Makes Immigrants Fat
New INS strategy not working very well as starving people continue to arrive.
Ukraine Opposition Expands
They were recent immigrants to the U.S.
Posted by: Army NCO Guy on December 14, 2004 08:50 PM
* * * *
Hundreds of U.N. Troops Storm Haiti Slum
Unilateral invasion condemned by U.S.
Posted by: Army NCO Guy on December 14, 2004 08:56 PM
* * * *
Palestinian militants set off bomb as a warning
Israeli soldiers blow up thirty Hamas training camps. "We got your message"
Posted by: Army NCO Guy on December 14, 2004 08:59 PM
* * * *
From ABC News:
86% of public school teachers surveyed say yes, 48% say no.
Posted by: Nobody Move! on December 14, 2004 10:24 PM
* * * *
Now get to doing more in the comments!
(Also, keep on the lookout for second to last book giveaway.)
The IMAO 2004 Christmas CD Spectacular
Have you got your Christmas CD yet? They're shipped the same day you order them, but you don't have long to order this limited edition IMAO spectacular produced by me and Scott McCollum and get it in time for Christmas. The CD includes:
* All previous audio bits in high quality CD sound. Own a piece of IMAO history so that, years from now when your grandchildren will ask who was John Kerry and why was he a goober, you can show them this. Ham!
* Three new audio bits: Career Day: Buck the Marine, Career Day: Donald Rumsfeld, and Zarqawi Steals Christmas – an over five minute epic audio bit where Bush has to save Christmas from the terrorists.
* The long awaited (but well worth it) Happy Dance in 720x480 mpeg format with cool special effects using my brand new video editing software. This includes an intro giving context to the Happy Dance and surprises I won't reveal. If you aren't super happy after watching the Happy Dance, then you are incapable of happiness. (NOTE: To have posted the Happy Dance on my blog at any decent quality would have blown away my bandwidth restrictions, so this seemed the best way to get it to you - and I like money.)
Here is a montage (MONTAGE!) of clips from the new audio bits.
And here is one teaser image to the happy dance. To reveal more would be criminal.
It's only $10 (plus $2 shipping and handling), so order now so you'll have a Merry Christmas, a Chappy Chanukah, or a Kwazy Kwanza.
UPDATE: We're not quite ready for international orders, unfortunately. If you live out of the states, contact email@example.com and we'll see if we can set something up. It will probably be pretty expensive to get it to places like the U.K. before Christmas, though.
Bite-Sized Wisdom December 15, 2004
* Before I even had a chance to check my e-mail and get my first sip of coffee, I solved the problem for a circuit board that had us a banging our heads against the wall all yesterday. Man, I'm on like an engineering high right now.
* Wow, and my blog brought in over $3000 in revenue last month (by far, most of it the W2 shirt). I decided it was time to take down the donation buttons. Anyhoo, the news...
* Peterson was sentenced to death and will finally get his due... in twenty or thirty years. Wouldn't it be cool if death sentence played out like this:
JUDGE: The defendant has been sentenced to death. Bailiff?
* Getting your client sentenced to death... that can't look good on a resume. Geragos might have to offer coupons to entice new clients.
* So Harry Reid - who hates black people - and Nancy Pelosi - who I think was just convicted of murder - support Tim Roemer - who I've never heard of - to head the DNC. Hopefully he'll lead the DNC in a bold new direction, giving up this politics which they aren't good at and instead forming a chain of waffle houses.
* So, it looks like Iran and Syria are backing terrorists in Iraq. Talk about getting behind the losing team; maybe they'll be backing the Miami Dolphins in the future.
* The FCC is considering letting there be internet on Airplanes. It's so sad, that, as soon as you get strapped into tons of metal and sent rocket through the air at 500mph, it's like you're back in the stone age.
* A missile defense test failed, but the failure was that it didn't launch. So, who know, it might have hit the target. Can you prove otherwise?
* "Chemical" Ali is going to be the first Iraqi to face trial. I wonder if the prosecution will be able to call him "Chemical" Ali during the trial, or would that be considered unfairly influencing the jurors? Are nicknames always disallowed in trials?
"So, did you murder the victim, Murder'n Carl?"
* CNN Headline: "Wife regrets man's huge lottery win"
* Senator McCain says he has "no confidence" in Rumsfeld. McCain then posed and smiled for all the cameras that followed him. In related news, Rumsfeld says he has "no mercy" for media whores.
* An attorney is having a fit that a judge is wearing a robe with the Ten Commandment written on it... but the case is about drunken driving. There’s like totally nothing in the Commandments about drinking and driving (and I checked all ten), so it's safe to assume God approves of us getting sloshed.
* A jokester wore a bin Laden mask, wielded a pellet gun, and, surprisingly, got himself shot by a cab driver. Hey, that is funny.
* The incident was in Costa Rica, and the police didn't even bother detaining the cab driver. So Costa Rica apparently is more advanced than England (and many areas in the U.S.) about recognizing and allowing rational thought and action in the area of self-defense.
* Keep voting for me in the blog category of the about.com 2004 Political Humor Awards. The contest right now is actually between me and Wonkette.
* The fun with headlines posts (one two) seem to be a big hit. I'll keep picking out my favorites from previous posts and feature them along with a few more of my own. Then you have at it in the comments. Good job making me laugh, ronin.
December 14, 2004
Links of the Day
Just got Silent America from Whittler of EjectEjectEject. Anyone who's read any essays of his know it's worthwhile, but, as an added factor to its coolness, he's wearing a Nuke the Moon shirt for his photo on the back.
For more great holiday reading, I also got my signed copy of In Defense of Internment by Michelle Malkin who wrote me a nice little note. She's the sweetest pundit ever.
Rachel Lucas is back... hopefully for good. May the queen of rants have a long reign.
Blackfive has news on a soldier's last request.
Preview of my CD's content tomorrow...
If Rumsfeld Shoots at this Washington D.C. Correspondent, He Might Shoot Back
Complain about paying for a CD, but I'll bet you'll still gladly take a free book.
Anyway, I was looking at Premiere Speakers Bureau's exclusive speakers. One is reporter Greg Kelly who I always see the FOX and Friends hosts making fun of. Know of any other network that has a Marine reservist as a reporter? Also, there is Sean Hannity available (for a pretty penny), but does he go up and speak all by himself? I've only seem him speak as a function of interrupting someone else.
Two more book giveaways left over the next two days.
Who Needs News Stories When You Have Headlines
Headlines fun! I took a stab at some more:
Peterson jury recommends death sentence
Here are what I thought were the best ones from yesterday's comment section. They make The Tarantor's job look easy.
* * * *
Leavitt Tapped for HHS.
tomorrow he'll do interpretive dance for HUD.
Posted by: sarahk on December 13, 2004 02:35 PM
* * * *
From the Savannah Morning News:
Meanwhile, the rest of Georgia wants to know what the hell an armillary is.
Hey, you didn't say it had to be national news.
Posted by: basil on December 13, 2004 02:38 PM
* * * *
Man, 80, Lives 18 Hours in Sea.
unconfirmed reports state he lived the other 701,262 hours on land.
Posted by: sarahk on December 13, 2004 02:40 PM
* * * *
Title: Gaza Violence Dents Hopes of Middle East Peace.
...but they left a note on the windshield so it's OK.
Posted by: FormerHostage on December 13, 2004 02:46 PM
* * * *
Kids shun libraries for online information
Libraries 'lack of porn' is cited as top reason.
Posted by: gaskar on December 13, 2004 02:49 PM
* * * *
Government Must Do More to Prevent Future Voter Fraud
President Bush to outlaw elections in Chicago and at Wizbang.
Posted by: sarahk on December 13, 2004 02:56 PM
* * * *
Breast Cancer Test Predicts Who Will, Won't, Benefit From Chemo
among those listed as not benefiting are those without cancer.
Posted by: sarahk on December 13, 2004 03:00 PM
* * * *
Jury Reaches Sentence Decision
recommends capitalizing first letter and ending with period.
Posted by: sarahk on December 13, 2004 03:03 PM
[Ed. Note: SarahK should try using their reccomendation.]
* * * *
Pakistan: No CIA Bases Here
that you know of.
Posted by: sarahk on December 13, 2004 03:05 PM
* * * *
School v. God
my odds are on God.
Posted by: sarahk on December 13, 2004 03:09 PM
* * * *
Phishing Scams Continue to Grow
- If you belive you've been the victim of a Phishing Scam, please send your name, address, Social Security Number, Date of Birth, Mother's maiden name, account information, and PIN to....
Posted by: FormerHostage on December 13, 2004 03:21 PM
* * * *
Studies show Weblogging to be addictive
FDA hopes to approve patch...
Posted by: Son of Risasi on December 13, 2004 03:22 PM
* * * *
FBI: U.S. Murder Rate Declining
Posted by: Confederate Yankee on December 13, 2004 03:33 PM
* * * *
Single Tobit theroy unshaken
Posted by: basil on December 13, 2004 03:37 PM
* * * *
From The Washington Post:
The other 2/11 were easy.
Posted by: basil on December 13, 2004 03:54 PM
* * * *
Japan jumps on Sony's PSP" -CNET News.com
Japan now reading the warranty card.
Posted by: siklilpig on December 13, 2004 04:25 PM
* * * *
US Denies Meddling in Ukraine Election
President Bush says he found "Go Yushchenko" t-shirt at garage sale, couldn't resist bargain.
Posted by: sarahk on December 13, 2004 04:59 PM
* * * *
Review: Two musicians, dying young
we thought it was a riot!
Posted by: sarahk on December 13, 2004 05:13 PM
* * * *
Study: Christmas deadliest day for Americans
MSM blames the joooooos!
Posted by: sarahk on December 13, 2004 05:16 PM
* * * *
Men Who Remarry Tend to Gain Weight, Ignore Health
women who remarry tend to gain weight, ignore husband.
Posted by: sarahk on December 13, 2004 09:44 PM
[Ed. Note: What's this supposed to mean?]
* * * *
Migraines May Increase Stroke Risk
so may raising the blood pressure of migraine-sufferers by telling them they're going to die of stroke.
Posted by: sarahk on December 13, 2004 09:46 PM
* * * *
U.S. children no longer have to finish their peas.
Posted by: basil on December 13, 2004 09:56 PM
* * * *
Montgomery, Birmingham, and Tuscaloosa multimedia doing just fine.
Posted by: basil on December 13, 2004 10:00 PM
* * * *
Gay pastor dispute divides Methodists
the pastors are fighting over wallpaper colors.
Posted by: sarahk on December 13, 2004 10:09 PM
* * * *
Kenyans Revolt againts President due to Excessive Lions Running Rampant:
Posted by: Son of Risasi on December 13, 2004 10:17 PM
* * * *
From Atlanta Journal-Constitution:
Arrest of glue and sparkles still under investigation.
Posted by: basil on December 13, 2004 10:47 PM
* * * *
El Salvador responds, "Not tonight, I have a headache."
Posted by: basil on December 13, 2004 11:01 PM
* * * *
Accountants found to excel in math
Also found that there are 10 kinds of people in this world. Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
Posted by: Son of Risasi on December 13, 2004 11:03 PM
* * * *
HEADLINE: Flu shot supply grows as demand dwindles.
FOLLOWUP: Newly developed technique creates vaccine from the blood of dead flu victims.
Posted by: Brian on December 14, 2004 12:04 AM
* * * *
Immigrant Aliens Angry over Sprint Wireless Cell Phone Plan:
Not allowed to phone home...
Posted by: Son of Risasi on December 14, 2004 06:11 AM
* * * *
Six Flags Hosting "Pagan Day Only" in Mass.
Parking lot reads: Witch parking only, all others will be toad...
Posted by: Son of Risasi on December 14, 2004 06:26 AM
The IMAO Christmas Album
Want to have IMAO in your car and at parties? Then buy this limited edition IMAO Christmas CD. It contains all the previous IMAO audio bits on this page redone in higher quality audio as regular CD tracks plus some new audio sketches. The new sketches are Buck the Marine visiting the first graders for career day, Rumsfeld also visiting for career day, and a more than five minute epic audio sketch in which Bush has to save Christmas from the terrorists that's worth the price of admission alone.
Also, you get the IMAO Happy Dance with super cool editing effects done with some expensive new software. If you say you've ever seen a happier dance... then you're a dirty liar!
The cost of the CD is only $10 (plus $2 for shipping and handling). If you're an IMAO fan and don't buy one, then you are less than dirt. So order them now while you still have time to get it before Christmas for yourself and to introduce your friends and families and liberals you hate to IMAO! It's Fan-tas-great!
UPDATE: I'll have some teaser clips from the new material up soon and maybe one image from the Happy Dance (to reveal too much would be criminal because it is hilarious).
In My World: Marines Like Taking Orders, Not Asking Questions
"Reporter Edward Lee Pitts was found dead, apparently strangled to death," the anchorwoman said, "A note was found next to his body reading, 'You plant a question, I plant my hands around your neck. I am Secretary of War Donald Rumsfeld!' Some are saying this may be an attack by the mysterious serial killer the Rumsfeld Strangler. In an unrelated story, we now go live to Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld being asked questions from Marines."
"Actually, I believe Edward Lee Pitts planted a questions with a soldier in a previous questions answering session with Rumsfeld," said the anchorman, "So the stories are kinda related."
"Hey, you're right. What a funny coincidence."
* * * *
"Now, I know you Marines must have many questions, so please ask away," Rumsfeld told the assembled Marines.
There was only silence.
"Don't you have any questions?"
"As long as we know who we're supposed to kill, we're good," Buck the Marine said.
"Ooh-rah!" the Marines shouted in unison.
"Well I have some time to fill," Rumsfeld stated, "So think of something."
The Marines thought for a moment. "The Army guys say they want more armor for their vehicles," eventually said one Marine, "Can we trade them our armor for beer?"
"Beer! Beer!" the Marines shouted.
"No beer!" Rumsfeld answered, "The Muslims won't allow it."
"Can we shoot the Muslims?" asked another Marine.
"No, that's not allowed."
"I don't know!" Rumsfeld grumbled, "I don't make the policies!"
"Now, I was wondering how you can continue to..." a reporter started to say before being shot by Rumsfeld.
"Only Marines get to ask questions!" Rumsfeld yelled, putting his gun back in its holster under his suit jacket.
"Can we shoot reporters?" a Marine asked.
"No. You have to be Secretary of War to do that. Any other questions?"
"A reporter tried to tell me to ask a question," said another Marine, "but I didn't like the look of him so I done strangled him. Is that okay?"
"I'm not one to criticize another for strangling a reporter," Rumsfeld answered.
"I'm getting tired of killing these Muslim extremists," Buck the Marine said, "Can we get to killing some Communists soon?"
"I understand what you're saying," Rumsfeld replied patiently, "but you go to war with the enemy you have, not the enemy you might want or wish to have. Any other questions?"
"I have one about beer."
"No more questions about beer!"
"Uh... I have one about whiskey."
"Question session is over!" Rumsfeld announced, "Go forth and kill people."
"Ooh-rah!" the Marines shouted before leaving.
Rumsfeld turned to see Detective Ian Competent approaching him along with some police.
"We have some questions for you about the strangling of reporter Edward Lee Pitts," Ian said.
"I don't have time questions," Rumsfeld answered, "Too busy strangling dumb reporters."
"Good enough," Ian said as Rumsfeld walked off.
"I'm getting tired of this investigating," one of the officers said, "I hear that serial killers are usually quiet white guys. Let's just arrest a quiet white guy and call the case closed."
"I'm the detective and I'll say whom we arrest!" Ian shouted angrily. He then thought for a moment. "Let's go to the library; there are lots of quiet people there."
December 13, 2004
Controversy Is Fun!
Time to give an autographed book from a leading conservative to the first commenter of this post. Quick! Comment now! Then come back and read.
Now, I don't know much about hiring speakers, such as the great speakers from Premiere Speakers Bureau, for corporate functions or such, but I have a little experience with college. To get Oliver North to CMU, we conservatives had to pay for that ourselves using a private charity fund set up for the purpose of helping conservatives at my college. The thing is, the college already had plenty of money and was always bringing in speakers we didn't care about. Thus, our small, campus-wide right-wing conspiracy decided to join up and take over the group responsible for picking speakers. You should see how some liberals get scared when coming face to face with actual conservatives.
The main thing is to use your college's system against it. When they wouldn't help fund our Republican group, we took the charter from the heavily funded gay and lesbian group and changed every reference to "homosexual" to "conservative" to make them fund a conservative group. So, collegians, plan and conquer whatever group is responsible for picking speakers for your college. If you can control that money, then you can bring in great people like those from Premiere Speakers Bureau's exclusives.
BTW, I haven't gotten to contacting the winners from over the weekend and will do so soon. I'll need all the winner's information and choices of books by Thursday so I can send it in and get you your books before Christmas.
We'll See Who Has the Last Laugh
The Tarantor is gloating (item "We won!") how he crushed my hopes and dreams on a whim (with a link to me; hooray!).
You've made a powerful enemy, Tarantor. The denizens of hell will pity you once my revenge comes to fruition!
Now all I need are some plans. Anyone able to ship infected monkeys to New York? Also, I'll need the boxes they're in clearly labeled "Not Monkeys" to fool my clever enemies.
Muh ha ha ha!
Also, make sure to check out everyone in my blogads to thank them for sponsoring IMAO. You have been checking out my advertisers, right?
Also, remember that IMAO t-shirts make
What was that super big announcement...
Anyhoo, here's fair warning the next book handout is going to be very soon.
A Few Crumbs
I feel bad; I had not time for a post today, but I feel I should give you guys something other than just waiting when, by whim, I decide to give out the next book in my contest. I'm hoping to have a new IMW written by tomorrow, but, for now, I'll quickly grab a headline and make a hilarious comment.
"Osama bin Laden not caught in Pakistan"
There. That was funny.
Okay, so it wasn't. Well why don't you all try grabbing a headline or news story and making a short witty comment like in the SNL news segment, The Daily Show, or any monologue for a late night talk show and put in the comments section. Not as easy as you think... unless you're me.
What Is It with You People and Failure?
Well, you people failed me again. I don't know whether to damn Scrappleface, James Tarantor, or you ronin. Maybe you don't deserve humor from me or the happy dance (which, BTW, was the happiest happy dance ever put to film).
For those of you who want details of my weekend, SarahK - the real one - has them. She seems to like making me appear stupid, so I think I should start a collection of best SarahK phrases as a defense.
"The Dallas Cowboys had the best defense in the NHL last year."
For those who don't care about my trip, I'll see if I can up with some regular funny... if I decide you deserve it. So, anything political happen in the past couple days?
UPDATE: I noticed that I misspelled "Taranto", but I like the new spelling. Thus I decree that he shall forever be known as Tarantor from this day forth.
"It will take a month in dry dock to repair blogging to full capacity!"
"You have an hour!"
"Aye aye, captain... you bastard."
Posted by Frank J. at 09:30 AM | "You have an hour!"
"Aye aye, captain... you bastard."&Body=http://www.imao.us/archives/002470.html">Email This
Came in super mucho grande late to work, so I don't know when I'll have time for a good blog post. There's plenty to do, but hopefully I'll catch some downtime.
I'd like to thank my guest bloggers... ah, no time!
I'll blog soon, but, if anyone asks, I've been working all this time.
The Happy Dance Is in the Can
Hello, ronin, I have returned. For those who don't know Hollywood speak, that means the Happy Dance is filled and ready for a distributor... which isn't quite true. It's stuck on a tape for digital video camera I bought just to get this done with and stop your griping (and to prove my word is my bond; a happy dance was promised). I filmed it with the help of SarahK just before heading to the airport which I arrived at only 25 minutes before my flight was leaving.
Anyhoo, I'm here, and it's time to give away a book (this counts as the Sunday giveaway; the Monday one is still to come). I'm too tired to say anything special about Premiere Speakers Bureau, but I'll tell my college experience about bringing in speakers tomorrow. As for now, I'll just again point out how great autographed books are for a holiday gift.
Also, I'd like to say thanks to my guest bloggers (whom I haven't had a chance to read all of their material yet). They can stick around a day longer if they want (or just put up links to their site) because I'll take a day to get back to full blogging capacity.
I understand one has been posting under my name...
UPDATE: Sorry, this is the real SarahK link.
December 12, 2004
Well, in hindsight, sticking my finger into SarahK's daddy's chest might not have been the smartest move.
The emergency room doctors were able to extract the boot, but they couldn't get quite all the spur shrapnel out.
Please pray for the future integrity of my lower gastrointestinal tract : (
December 11, 2004
You Might Be An IMAO Fan...
(A Guest Post By Harvey of Bad Example)
By the way, is there a name for IMAO fans? I mean, Jimmy Buffet fans are "Parrot Heads", Star Trek fans are "Trekkies", and Michael Moore fans are "Assholes". What would you call Frank J. fans? Frankensteins? Moon Nukers? Edgy loners who pretty much keep to themselves before they finally snap?
You guys work on that.
Anyway, whatever they're called, I'm stealing Jeff Foxworthy's schtick, and calling this one:
YOU MIGHT BE AN IMAO FAN
... if you're afraid to leave a comment for fear it'll reveal your whereabouts to evil ninjas.
...if you overheard someone mention Spock's father's name, and you immediately thought of the IMAO T-shirt babe.
Admit it, you don't pronounce her last initial separately in your head, do you?
...if you've fought Aquaman and - like everyone except the French - pretty much kicked his wussy ass.
...if you were called on to recite a Bible verse in Sunday School and you quoted the Book of Tobit.
...if someone offered you a lime for your bottle of Corona beer and Rage Against the Machine songs started running through your head.
...if you support the troops in Iraq and you have the terrorist heads mounted on your wall to prove it.
...if, when you heard that soldier complaining about the lack of vehicle armor, you expected Rumsfeld to strangle the reporter who fed him the question.
...if you named your dog "Chomps".
...if you named one of your children "Chomps".
...if you've ever strangled a reporter and left a note blaming it on the Rumsfeld Strangler.
...if your bondage fantasies involve Melinda Hawkish and a microphone cord.
...if you believe that Canada will eventually be called "Canadada".
...if you didn't think it was funny that Frank didn't win his own permalink contest.
...if you know what Frank's last name is because you donated to his PayPal tip jar.
[notices blank stares] Ok, that one's a "just me" thing. But you'd be surprised how reasonably priced a Permalink Contest victory is.
...if you've made a list of people for use in the initial calbration testing of the S.M.I.T.E. targeting system.
...especially if you posted that list on your blog in the hopes that Frank would link to you.
...if the only Bush cabinet members you know are the ones who've appeared in "In My World" episodes.
...if you have a Nuke the Moon tattoo.
...if your vocabulary consists solely of the words "Hmmm", "Heh", and "Indeed".
Oops. Sorry... that's an Instapundit reader.
...if you've ever been "First!"
...if you named one of your children "Frnak".
...if you've joined the Marines SPECIFICALLY to defend Frank's freedom of speech.
...if you bought a Colt 1991 to enhance your IMAO street cred.
By the way, if you vote for Meryl (who needs to start makin' with the favors already), you get a free copy of "Learn Yiddish With Dick and Jane".
...if you named one of your children "Ronin".
...if you named ALL of your children "Ronin".
...if you have an IMAO RSS feed to your pager so you can be "First!" when something new gets posted.
...if you know what IMAO actually stands for.
...if you don't care what IMAO actually stands for, as long as Frank keeps posting new "In My World" episodes.
...if you know what the J. in "Frank J." stands for.
Just kidding. Even Frank doesn't know that one.
...if your biggest fear is the monkey menace.
...if you own 6 Nuke the Moon T-shirts, one for every day of the week.
What?... Isn't Sunday "Naked Day" at YOUR house?
...if you didn't laugh at any of these because you wanted Frank to think you missed him.
If you're feeling particularly ballsy, you might even sign up to participate so that you can be a target of those reviews.
No such thing as bad publicity in the blogosphere.
Although Dan Rather may beg to differ.
On the Alert
RightWingDuck settles in to his pond to read the newspaper when suddenly- his ALARM goes off. Oddly enough, it's a duck phone from his Sports Illustrated subscription.
"Hello? - What? He posted a picture of himself doing what? OH The humanity. Oh the Humanity!!"
After having surfed IMAO RightWingDuck verifies that Frank has posted a picture more cruel than Babs and Teddy passed out drunk in a dirty alley with a copy of the Kama Sutra.
You can hear the screaming in the office buildings across Los Angeles. Screams such as..
"My eyes. My eyes."
"I can't feel my head. Help me. I can't feel my head."
Action must be taken.
There's only one thing a Duck can do when faced with pictures of Frank sitting on a toilet (my eyes, my eyes). We must deploy - SarahK.
Here for your mental health are better pictures.
Blogging again from a Texas rest stop, and gotta make this quick since SarahK says we're still running late.
We're going to Fort Worth so that I can meet SarahK's dad. I've been thinking of how I should approach this, and have decided on a strategy. When I get there and he reaches out to shake my hand, I'm going to brush it aside and stick my finger in his chest. I'll tell him that I'm a man's man and not to patronize me, and that he better not get any ideas about butting into my relationship with SarahK. THEN I'll shake his hand, tell him my friends call me Buck, and send SarahK off to the kitchen to get us a couple ice cold Alamo beers. We'll relax in front of the t.v. to watch the Hee Haw marathon, and by the end of the day he'll treat me with the respect I deserve.
I think its a great plan. If you have any suggestions pass them on--I might need to stop at the rest area once more before we get there. SarahK made dinner for me last night, and, well, you know . . .
Gotta go, I need to hold SarahK's purse while she's in the can.
Why haven't you voted?
Yeah, you. Over there. yeah, I'm talking to you, doodie head. Oops. Sorry.
Have you voted today?
Did you know that you could vote each day for the best humor website?
Of course you didn't -otherwise you'd be DOING IT!
Did I mention I'm also babysitting Chomps while Frank is away. You wouldn't want to make him angry (Chomps - I mean).
A few days ago, I gave Frank J my official endorsement. It was one of the most moving posts I have ever written.
Let me just add this. Were it not for Frank ...Um. Were it not for Frank... hmm.
Post in comments...
Let's see who can come up with some good stuff and let Frank know his impact on our lives.
Get Yer Damn Book
Blogging from a Texan rest stop, so I'll make this quick since SarahK says we're running late.
Anyhoo, this is the book giveaway post for Premiere Speakers Bureau. I wanted to say something 'bout the speakers, but I can't think of much now. I just wonder if you pay to have Ann Coulter speak if she comes with the warning "First three rows will be verbally torn to shreds."?
Well, I won't get to e-mail the winner right away, but you'll know who you are. Talk to y'all soon. Hope to have a big surprise for you after this weekend.
New from Lef-Tel Records . . .
Are you getting tired of celebrating a Christian holiday? Getting tired of all that Christmas cheer?
All that can now change!
Lef-tel records is proud to present . . .
The Liberal Democrat Non Specific Holiday Music Special!!!
Now you too can enjoy these wonderful performers singing better versions of the popular holiday music you’ve grown to hate and resent. Yes, we’ve taken the classics and made them more politically relevant than ever!!!
So gather round the environmentally friendly, fuel efficient fireplace and sing along with these new classics – such as . . . John Kerry singing Two Red States
[Sung to All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth]
Every body stops
All I want for Christmas is just two red states
[Classical Guitar Solo]
“I served in Vietnam, thank you. Thank you.”
There must have been some merit
Rudolph the differently-abled Reindeer
Ted. Ted? You're on. Geeze, Just how drunk is he? Uh, we’ll come back to Kennedy.
(Off camera - Can somebody help that man?)
Uh, oh yeah,
Plus we’ll have a special duet from the Reverends Sharpton and Jackson. with Frosty the Oppressive White Snowman . . .
Frosty the Oppressive White Snowman,
I saw mommy kissing Mrs. Clause
Then, I saw Mommy tickle Mrs. Claus
Ah Crap. Somebody roll him off the set please.
Plus, the whole gang sings a song of encouragement to the Supreme Court Justices with Puh-leeze Never Die . . .
[sung to Feliz Navidad]
Puh-leeze Never Die
I want to wish you a lengthy lifespan
I’m dreaming of a racially diverse Christmas.
Little Town of Bethlehem withdraw from Palestine.
And the all time classic . . .
Grandma got run over by an SUV
Price based on income. The rich must always pay more than their fair share. Sorry, no sales to Republicans.
Which songs would you like to see performed on the follow up album?
December 10, 2004
You COULD win...
You could win a free book just by being the first person to post comments.
You could win a brand new book with Ann Coulters picture and autograph!!
You could be the first on your block to brag about having Ann's autograph.
But you won't because I don't do contests.
Sorry. But if you were to shoot the monkey or choose the right bill on the money tree.. you could win dozens of dollars...just not here at IMAO.
Actually, I promised Frank I wouldn't do anymore Spam posts.
Pretend you never saw this.
Oh, what the heck. I don't want to get you all excited for nothing. Click here for some hot Babe Action!!
(Totally safe for work. In the privacy of your own home - well - that's your business)
RightWingDuck here - Sir Kisser and I are working on some things that should get a fairly good chuckle out of you.
Don't Mess with a Marine, Even Verbally
Heh. It's cool to come to my own blog for new humor. Some great humor here from my own hand selected elite bloggers including Harvey and Ducky (who should post later) who have guest blogged before. New are Sir Kisser of this hilarious parody blog plus blogging legend Laurence Simon. Well, legend may be stretching it, but he's a prolific blogger who has been around a lot longer than me.
Anyway, for those who are reading this and not just desperately trying to comment first to get the free book, I'll tell you that I saw Oliver North, of Premiere Speakers Bureau's exclusive speakers, back during my Freshman year of college. Now, since I went to an engineering college, we were not the most politically aware campus, but it was standing room only for him. Oliver North is one of the first political figures I ever heard of since Mad Magazine like to make fun of him.
Anyhoo, it started with some college kid (from Pitt, not CMU) shouting at the top of his lungs so loud you couldn't understand what he was saying. He announced he wouldn't leave until the police took him away, and the police obliged. North wasn't even fazed for a second, and played off of it well. Wish I could remember more details of his speech, but he had question at the end in which some white kid stood up and said he had visited China and didn't see any of this oppression North had spoke. North then so verbally devastated the guy he was mumbling in the end.
That was cool
Well, later I'll have to tell you about my limited experience about getting big speakers for your college if you're a college student.
Be honorable, ronin, and enjoy the guest blogging.
Fun Facts About Christmas
(A Guest Post by Harvey of Bad Example)
First some housekeeping:
Vote for Frank for best humor blog.
I like favors.
Moving on... Someone recently informed me that Christmas is coming. I've never heard of this... "holiday"... so I did a little research and discovered the following
FUN FACTS ABOUT CHRISTMAS
Christmas celebrates the anniversary of the birth of Jesus Christ. Since he was Jewish, he was circumcised 8 days later, which anniversary we now commemorate with the holiday OW!OW!OW!mas
The beloved holiday icon Santa Claus originally wore a green outfit, which he changed to red after joining the Communist Party.
Christmas specials which show Santa's workshop at the North pole often include penguins. This is factually incorrect, since penguins are native to the SOUTH pole, where, coincidentally, Santa's evil twin brother Satan Claus has HIS workshop.
He mostly makes fruitcakes - the most concentrated form of evil known to man.
Tree decorating originated with tree-worshipping Druids, whose modern descendants mostly just bitch about globalization and throw garbage cans through windows at Starbucks.
Santa Claus doesn't make all the Christmas presents himself. Most of the work is done by elves who are much smaller than Santa.
Yeah, he's compensating for something.
Elves weren't always small. They used to all be tall and lithe like Orlando Bloom, but eventually they decided they'd rather be short and hairy than tall and femmy-looking.
If an elf bites you, you become one.
Considering how much tail Orlando Bloom is getting these days, that might not be such a bad thing.
Not everyone celebrates Christmas. Jews, (like Meryl, for whom you should vote) celebrate Hanukkah, which commemorates some magic oil that burned for 8 days. Oddly, this is not the same "OIIIIIILLLLL!" that the Iraq war is all about.
Terrorists in Fallujah don't celebrate Christmas, either. Mostly because they've been killed by Americans.
Serves 'em right for faking being dead. Stupid terrorists.
Rastafarians celebrate Christmas by smoking marijuana on Christmas day.
And every other day.
Some families open their presents on Christmas Eve. Some families open their presents on Christmas morning. This or slavery was the cause of the Civil War.
Santa's sleigh is pulled by reindeer, which are just like regular deer, except somewhat larger and more likely to collapse the roof of your car after they bounce off your hood.
Santa's reindeer can also fly, probably because they're Rastafarians.
The French celebrate Christmas by decorating trees and surrendering to them.
The original version of the poem "A Visit From St. Nicholas" listed the reindeer's names as Smasher, Dandruff, Mincer, Nixon, Vomit, Pooper, Downer, and Blitzkrieg, but these were later changed after numerous complaints to the FCC.
The tradition of kissing under the mistletoe originated to allow married men to make out with their mistresses at office parties, and survives today despite the invention of the broom closet.
Bing Crosby starred in "White Christmas". Bling-Bling Crosby starred in "Hot Black Studs in Action". Try not to get those two confused if you're at Blockbuster searching for family entertainment this holiday season.
Although I have heard that your Aunt Mabel is a HUGE Bling-Bling Crosby fan.
A "Christmas Club" is a savings account in which a person deposits a fixed amount of money regularly to be used at Christmas for shopping. It's also a stick used to beat up Salvation Army bell-ringers so you can steal their kettles.
I heard your Aunt Mabel has both.
The Friday after Thanksgiving is the second busiest shopping day of the year. The busiest is "Thank God Gas Stations Sell Roses Day", AKA "Valentine's Day".
Every December, Americans mail out a combined total of 9 billion Christmas cards in an effort to keep in touch with loved ones. Which pisses me off because it always delays the delivery of the December issue of "Hefty Hooters" magazine.
Get your damn cards out of the way of my pr0n!
Before settling on the name "Tiny Tim" for the character's name in "A Christmas Carol", Charles Dickens also considered such names as Feeble Frank, Crippled Carl, Defective Dan, Hobbling Harry, Broke-ass Bob and Mutilated Marvin.
Eggnog is a traditional holdiday beverage made from eggs and named after the sound people make after having one too many of them.
Christmas was once a moveable feast celebrated at many different times during the year. The choice of December 25 was made by Pope Julius I in the 4th century A.D. so that he could get the day off to go skiing.
During the Christmas season, 1.76 billion candy canes will be made. 2.53 million of them will be stuck in naughty places.
Like kids putting them in the VCR & stuff.
GEEZ! What'd you think I meant?
Look, if you guys are going to let your minds roll around in the gutter like that, I'm just going back home to Bad Example, where that sort of thing never happens.
Or if it does, it's considered normal, so no one really notices.
I've been bugging Frank about turning in a Dead Pool roster. Sometimes at three in the morning, I'll sneak into his kitchen, and I'll emboss threats into his breakfast cereal.
Despite my harassment campaign, he has yet to come up with fifteen names. Bu, you know,t it doesn't take much time to read through his archives and figure out who his fifteen picks would be...
* Paul Begala of CNN's Crossfire will be found facedown in a puddle of his own urine, clutching both Hillary and Bill Clinton's autobiographies. Tucker Carlson will end up paired with Samuel L. Jackson, who will spend the entire half-hour of the show screaming for no reason whatsoever.
* Colin Powell will be walking down the street and all of the sudden POW! he'll explode. No reason why, no explanation whatsoever. Chomps will be blamed, of course. Condi Rice will appear before the Security Council with the last remaining vial of Colin Powell, threatening the delegates with releasing the ash if they don't vote to abolish Yemen.
* Aquaman might not be real, but he's real enough to kill. Pretty much everything can kill Aquaman, so there's no point in guessing. Just treat predicting Aquaman's death like shaking a box to figure out what is inside. Was it poison? Was it a gun? Was it a papercut? Who knows!
* Kofi Annan of the United Nations is the coward's coward, refusing to appear anywhere near the various conflicts that his incompetence has spawned or allowed to fester. He will hide out at a Pacers-Pistons game, where he'll be struck by a deorbiting satellite. Joooooooooooooooooooooos!
* Jim McDermott and David Bonior will head to Canada, get married, and then wind up slaughtered as infidels when they try to spend their honeymoon in Damascus.
* Dan Rather will sign off for the last time in March, pull out a gun, and begin shooting the technical staff in the studio. He will blame Republicans for the berserk attack, screaming "From Hells' heart I stab at thee, for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee!" as he flings himself out of a window to splatter against the Manhattan streets below.
* Andy Rooney thought that whining about the different kinds of pizza would be a good topic for the week. And then, there's the "Best Pizza In Town" signs you see on all the pizza joints in Manhattan. So he went out for a walk and a slice of pizza, only to be struck dead by Dan Rather.
* Jacques Chirac will be caught spraypainting swastikas on a Jewish cemetery by a passing band of fundamentalist Muslims. They will point out to him that he's spraypainting them backwards and behead him on the spot.
* Michael Moore will win the Oscar for Best Picture. Mel Gibson will challenge him to a duel to the death. Michael Moore will accept that duel. The weapons? Hamburgers at ten paces. They take ten steps, and Mel Gibson manages to eat more hamburgers than Michael Moore, who chokes on his last burger and dies.
* Ted Kennedy is really a werewolf! Run for your lives! Van Helsing! Van Helsing!
* Barbara Steisand will have donated all of her millions to the charities she thought that the federal government should be subsidizing. Depending on "Meet The Fokkers" residuals to survive, she starves to death.
* Ted Rall is eaten by Barbara Streisand. That's how desperate she is, folks. She's eating crappy cartoonists. How could you, Barbara! Ted's not even Kosher!
* John Kerry will think that he needs to re-enlist and make himself appear like even more of a war hero for the 2008 election than he thought he appeared to be in 2004. As soon as he hits the tarmac at Bush Airport in Iraq, he is captured by Red Crescent "Irregulars" and harvested for organ transplants.
* The Moon will vanish in a puff of nuclear smoke.
Of course, the rules of the Dead Pool do not allow players to kill their picks unless they are acting in a capacity of law enforcement, authorized to do so in a military setting, or out of self-defense. And since we all know that Frank's lifelong dream is to nuke the moon for world peace, this would disqualify him from the competition.
But still, wouldn't that be a hoot? Nuking the moon?
Yeah, I'd make a three-day weekend out of it.
News of the day
I'm one of the people FrankJ asked to guest blog while he is in Texas holding sarahk's purse. Here goes . . .
* Cool. Both the Curse of the Bambino and the Spinal Tap Drummer Curse were done away with in the same year.
* I guess we won't need that puppy stem cell blender after all. I call for an immediate cessation to all puppy blending research activities.
* Did you know that native peoples in the Western Hemisphere were barbarians, many of whom performed human sacrifices and were warlike and brutal? Well, I did because I grew up when they actually taught history in school. Since then, a touchy-feely idea has emerged that the native people's had a utopia that white men disrupted. Contrary to popular current belief the natives weren't trading wampum for peace pipes, fairy dust and sunshiny days. They were just like any other barbarian race--primitive, blood-thirsty and a hindrance to progress. I don't weep for the lost native culture any more than I do for the extinction of the Visigoths, or the mass unemployment of blacksmiths and town heralds.
* Was your driveway filled with heavy snow during the last blizzard? Did your basement flood in the last storm? Did you ruin your dress shoes in a mud puddle? Well then, call 1-800-IAM SCUM because IT'S TIME TO SUE IN WORLD COURT! We'll sue the neighbor across the street who burnt leaves last month. We'll sue the guy on the other side of town driving around in a rusted out 1972 Ford LTD. We'll sue the local plant where you work because it burns coal to make electricity. Sure, you'll be out of a job and play a part in destroying the global economy, but you'll get your nuisance suit settlement check.
* It's a sad day when you can't even peruse a porno magazine with an underage kid without wiping it (the magazine) down for
* You just know that Slick Willy is dying to try out his new pick up line at the New Years Eve party being held at his trailer house in the sky in Little Rock. He's been practicing non-stop in the mirror: "You know ::biting lip:: 2005 is the year of the Cock."
* Adding insult to injury. Don't computer nerds have enough working against their procreation as it is?
* "Hi, welcome to KFC, may I take your order."
* Getting ready for a blind date: clean new shirt--check, cologne--check, flowers--check, cash from the ATM--check, Daniel kitten puppet--check?
December 09, 2004
Free Ice Cream to Temporarily Change Flavors
Sorry for the light posting, but I was actually given something to do at work. Also, I'm leaving for a little vacation today which lasts until Sunday night. Some guest bloggers will fill in as they please, and I'll pop in each day (including Saturday and Sunday) to give away an autographed book in my contest.
Also, remember to keep voting for me!
Frank Answers to Liberal Questions
Liberal blogger Kevin Drum posed what he considered to be some tough questions to conservatives. I forgot which site I first saw these on (which is a shame because it had some great answers and questions for Drum), but John Hawkins has some answers along with links to other bloggers with answers.
Here are my answers to the questions.
1) Considering how Iraq has gone so far, do you still think that American military power is a good way to promote tolerance and democracy in the Middle East? Has your position on this changed in any way over the past two years?
As for the first part, sure, why not. Where has it gone wrong? The military is great at killing people, and all those who are intolerant and undemocratic can simply be eliminated. How would you spread it? Well-worded pamphlets?
As for the second part, no, but I haven't really been paying attention to the news. What's happened?
I remember Paul Begala making the specious statement that no conservative denounced Falwell when every single conservative I know or read or watch had denounced them. I do worry about them being the faces of the Republican Party because their faces are droopy. Instead, we should have Arnold be our face since he shows a powerful physique. That’s also why I would be a good face for the Republican Party.
As for the second part, I'd need to know how much money they and their followers have before I answer that.
Eh, democracy is okay, but liberty is better. As for how far am I willing to go to show my credibility on that subject, I'll swallow five goldfish.
I'm starting to not like this "spreading freedom" phrase. It makes it seem like freedom is a virus or peanut butter. That also raises the question that, if freedom were peanut butter, would it be smooth or chunky? I say chunky.
But I digress. I say oil is more important to the Bush administration... or at least I hope it is. Ever try running your car on a democratic Middle East?
Who is doing what now?
I'm a Christian (well, a Catholic, which is pretty close) and I've talked to lots of Christians, and I've never heard of this before. Which cheaply printed conspiracy newsletters are you getting this from?
And what's this talk of "purging." You're starting to sound like a Nazi, Drum.
Quick! Behind you! A Christian!
I'm just kidding, Drum. Sorry I made you soil your pants. Seriously, though, I'm more scared of the joooos. I have it on good authority they control everything. It's in one of the same newsletters you're reading.
Man, I'm for invading countries for any reasons - real or imagined. The second part of your question is weird, though. How could a draft be "required" to do something? You better not let my brother and his Marine buddies to hear that.
"Kevin Drum said you Marines are a big bunch of pussies who can't handle invading Iran yourself."
"He said WHAT?!"
Wow, I have until the 29th to answer this? I'll get back to you then.
Who the hell is Laurie Mylroie? Did you make her up? For the liberals, everyone has heard of your crackpots; hell, they even get nominated for People's Choice Awards.
And what with this "What do you think should be done with them?" Sounds like more Nazi talk to me. They should be rounded up into camps - is that what you want to hear, Drum?
1) Why are you such a dingus?
2) Seriously, though, why?
Actually, Kevin Drum is one of my favorite liberal bloggers. I can actually read him without constantly thinking, "Is this guy @%&$ nuts?" Still, these questions demonstrate he needs to get out more.
UPDATE: Dean's World was where I first saw this (checked Drum's trackbacks to find him). Check him out for more serious answers and some great questions back at Drum.
The Blogger! He Speaks!
For now, I wonder if bloggers will ever be popular enough to be speakers that people would pay good money for. I bet I would make a great speaker. I could tell kids about the dangers of not doing drugs - especially when they are doctor prescribed and court ordered.
UPDATE: RightWingNews is givining one away right now as well.
December 08, 2004
Quick! Like a Bunny!
Quick, go over to RightWingNews if you want another chance at winning a book.
And I still have eight more to give out over the next eight days (different time each day).
The IMAO Contest Post - Which Doesn't Make a Great Name for a Rock Band
Premiere Speakers Bureau has connections to a large number of speakers other than just their exclusive speakers (one of whom endorsed me for best humor blog). They also have a large list of other speakers in many categories. under humor, I found Scott Adams and Dave Barry. You have to call to find the prices of big names like that, though. Dave Barry should have plenty of time for speaking now that he's taken a break from his weekly column, but I wonder if he charges extra for speaking engagments in which he'll point out things that would great names for rock bands?
It's been asked for on occasions, and I've decided now to pursue it in earnest.
IMAO will be available in book form.
The first four years of the Bush administration will be summed up in one big book of In My Worlds™.
But, you didn't start writing IMWs until October of 2002, you say.
Yes, that means the book will have all new content, including reediting of the earlier IMWs to better fit the current style. I hope to get this done and out for purchase as soon as possible after Bush's inauguration in January (which I guess is where the book will end since technically that's the beginning of the next four years).
Also, there is a secret hush hush plan in the works... and it involves the happy dance.
Anyway, still have that autographed book to give out today in the contest. RightWingNews is also giving away books, but you have to answer questions on his site while I'm giving books away for what you
UPDATE: To do In My World's from before I was writing on my blog, I need some place where I can see like the headlines for each day going back to the 2000 elections. Anyone know of a good place online (all I know of is the microfilm at the library)?
Just as I was closing the gap on Scrappleface (down to 6% separating us from 8.5%), some site called Protein Wisdom comes out of nowhere and bounds into second in a couple hours. Skullduggery, I say! Skullduggery!
Anyway, keep voting for me because it is right and just and I told you to.
I'm adding to my endorsements Bill Whittle of EjectEjectEject for Best Essayist because he writes good and there is something about his picture on his blog that makes him look so cool - though I can't quite put my finger on it...
Michelle Malkin has my endorsement for Best Media/Journalist Blog against the evil, evil Best of the Web. There is little chance of her winning now, but maybe we can at least rob Best of the Web of having a 50% mandate.
For Best Overall Blog, I now support NRO's The Corner which has the God among men Jonah Goldberg (whom I have no plans to kidnap the dog of) and America's favorite curmudgeon, John Derbyshire. It's close to number one, so vote!
Bribes for more endorsements will still be considered.
If Western Society Is Destroyed, All Non-Muslims Are Killed, and the Entire World Comes Under a Theocratic Islamist Rule, Then the Terrorists Will Have Won
An Editorial By Frank J.
I know it has become a cliché to say that if this or that happens then "the terrorists will have won," but I'm convinced that, if Western Society is destroyed, all non-Muslims are killed, and the entire world comes under a theocratic Islamist rule, then the terrorists will have won. You may say I'm grandstanding with such a statement, to which I respond, "SHUT YOUR DIRTY MOUTH! HOW DARE YOU QUESTION ME!"
"If you find yourself confronted by Allah, don't panic; an Allah can sense fear and it just makes it angrier."
I seriously think that, if the terrorists killed us all off and put the world under the rule of mad mullahs, they would declare victory. You might think that's hyperbole, but don't you think that if America is razed and Islam the only religion in existence, the terrorists will find that as cause to celebrate?
I know, most of you think that, as long as we have curbside check in, then the terrorists haven't won - and that's probably true. It's just I believe that, if the terrorists start running around our country killing people and blowing up buildings, someone needs to say something against that or they may win. If the President is replaced by an Ayatollah, then dude, that's a problem. You have to make noise about this sort of thing, or, I dare say, the terrorists will win.
So, what's the chance that the terrorists will destroy Western Society, kill all non-Muslims, and place the entire world under a theocratic Islamist rule, and, in my opinion, thus win? Well, it's a lot of zeros following a decimal and ending in a one. I don't feel like writing it all out, but that one after all the zeros means there is a chance. And, if there's one thing Americans don't like, it's terrorists winning. So what to do?
First off, make sure democracy isn't replaced with an Islamist theocracy. If you suspect that is happening, find the nearest police officer and tell him. Also, buy some duct tape; terrorists fear that for some reason. Finally, support the military in killing all terrorists. I'm pretty sure terrorists have to be living to win, so, if they're all rotting corpses being chewed on by dogs, we'll be plenty safe.
Now, despite the culture and technology of the terrorists being inferior to ours in every measurable way, they think they can beat us because of Allah. This could be a problem. Do we have a way to bring down Allah? Silver bullets, maybe? Anyway, if you find yourself confronted by Allah, don't panic; an Allah can sense fear and it just makes it angrier.
Sorry to be going over old points, but I really believe that, if Western Society is destroyed, all non-Muslims are killed, and the entire world comes under a theocratic Islamist rule, then the terrorists will have won, and I also believe it's worth pointing out. Furthermore, if the terrorists go to Vegas and play Blackjack and are dealt a King and an Ace while the dealer is showing a six, then the terrorists will have won - but to a lesser degree.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us - though is still available to replace William Safire if anyone from the NY Times is reading - and is the author of such books as "If You Don't Buy This Book, the Terrorista Will Have Won" and "Queer Eye for the Queer Guy Who Isn't Quite as Queer as the Other Queer Guys" (I just wrote the foreward to that one; long story).
Why Does a Nice Guy Like Me Keep Making Enemies?
Why is there so much hatred out there? Not enough beatings, that's why.
UPDATE: I think tbogg needs our help. Write him an e-mail (firstname.lastname@example.org) politely explaining why he is a muckadoo and CC it to me. I'll post the best e-mails.
Maybe he'll see the light and be our new best friend! Hooray!
No No! Don't Poison Yushchenko
As was suspected, someone poisoned Yushchenko (the good Viktor). For real democracy reform, you can't poison each other (unless you vote to poison each other... but the majority wouldn’t vote to poison Yushchenko because they like him). I suggest that, in the future, we have Jimmy Carter as an election monitor with his job to try the food and drink of each candidate to make sure it isn't poisoned. When Carter finds a legitimate case of a candidate trying to poison another, he can then be replaced by Bill Clinton.
The Hate-Filled Lefty Makes a New Friend
He's The Hate-Filled Lefty!
Okay, I'm still working on the theme song.
Yay! Comics make me laugh and are good!
December 07, 2004
Coming Up On IMAO...
BTW, anyone listen to Real Rock 101.1 (local to the Orlando area)? The DJ on my drive home (Buckethead) was talking about fanny packs and how its considered gay for guys to wear them even though they're useful. I called up to tell him that a lot of guys who wear fanny packs are actually concealing guns in them (it's the holster reccomended by the retired police officer who taught my concealed-carry course). I also told him I don't use that holster because it's gay-looking. Anyway, I was just curious if I was on the radio or not.
Anyhoo, tomorrow on IMAO...
New Hate-Filled Lefty Comic!
Another autographed book will be given away!
And more... including an announcement I think you IMAO fans will like.
Now keep voting for me! Close that gap!
Where We Are Now, And Where We Have to Go
The meaningless prize must be mine!
Yesterday, I was almost a full percentage point ahead of Scrappleface in the Humor category of the 2004 Weblog Awards, but then James Taranto of Best of the Web decided to endorse Scrappleface to spite me, and now I stand 8.5% behind.
All is not lost. You can still vote every day until the 12th, and now I have the backing of Michelle Malkin who loves to defy the Wall Street Journal and got
For the Best of the Top 100 - 250 Blogs category, I'm switching my endorsement - with Harvey's permission - from Bad Example to Meryl Yourish who has a chance of winning if we all push for her. She is a jooooo, so her winning will help the Zionist Conspiracy.
Michelle Malkin has my endorsement for Best Media/Journalist Blog against the evil, evil Best of the Web. There is little chance of her winning now, but maybe we can at least rob Best of the Web of having a 50% mandate.
Bribes for more endorsements will still be considered.
UPDATE: That bastard Taranto mentioned Scrappleface and the contest again! He's taunting me...
UPDATE 2: Despite that limey bastard Taranto's further meddling, the gap between me and Scrapple face has close by one percentage point since I first posted this. Keep it up,
The Truth About Taranto
I was going to tell a filthy lie to defame Taranto for endorsing Scrappleface and sending unknowledgeable Best of the Web readers to vote for him like some Rock the Vote scam, but the truth I found was even more devastating. I looked on a map, and guess what I saw?
Taranto is in Canada! That's right; Taranto must be a hideous, misshapen, inbred, nigh-retarded Canadian (apologies to all my Canadian readers). Like all Canadians, he lives by latching on to maple trees like a lamprey and sucking out the maple syrup (but not my Canadian readers; they're not freaks). He mispronounces "about", ends every sentence in "eh", and only like Scrappleface because he tells jokes about hockey - the only thing Canadians understand ('cept for my Canadian readers; they're smart). Yes, Taranto is a freakish, dimwitted, filth-covered Canadian who fears rain as if it were an angry god (but all my Canadian readers are good chaps, really!).
The more important question, though, is why does the WSJ so want IMAO to lose in the Weblog Awards as to deploy their Best of the Web against it? Have they all shorted IMAO stock? Does IMAO have stock?
Or do they just fear my power? Whatever it is, they must be defeated! Vote IMAO everyday until the contest ends on December 12th and get everyone else to vote as well!
Seeing Unfrequently Asked Questions Would Be More Interesting
So, now are you thinking about getting a speaker from Preimere Speakers Bureau? Start by looking at their Event Planning Tools. They have lots of information there, including an FAQ (which is really useful when the Frequently Asked Questions come with answers, too).
BTW, if you don't win an autographed book for a post like this one, you can still buy them here. Great Christmas gifts for the right-wingers in your life.
Did I Ever Mention How Jonah Goldberg Is a God Among Men?
Thank you, Jonah, for your grudging non-endorsement. Is there a columnist better than Jonah Goldberg? Well, none who uses Simpson references so well to make his point.
Plus, I have a cool contest going on from now until next Thursday.
BTW, when I said Jonah Goldberg hits kittens with bats, that was totally just a silly little joke.
Oh, and after you realize my comic genius, vote here.
Isn't Michelle Malkin the Sweetest, Smartest, Most Lovely Person Ever?
Techinically, my answer to that is no, SarahK, my T-Shirt Babe and now girlfriend, is. But Michelle is a close second.
Everyone do as she tells you. I may have fallen far behind yesterday, but voting doesn't close until the 12th, so there is time to catch up.
Later, I'll have a post about the evils of Taranto...
UPDATE: I should probably mention Michelle Malkin's sale of autographed books with proceeds going to charity.
You Didn't Ask for It, and Here It Is!
I decided the audio bits produced by Scott McCollum deserved to be featured more, so I made a nice page to feature them in an organized fashion. You show them to all your friends, family, and radio personalities and tell them that IMAO is the funniest!
Bite-Sized Wisdom: December 7, 2004
* I went to National Review Online yesterday and noticed the orange banner and was like, "Dude, a little late with the Halloween decorations." Ends up it's to show support for the good guys in Ukraine. See, the only previous knowledge I have about orange and politics involves why my grandfather, Frank J. Sr., had to leave Ireland in such a rush.
* Anyway, I tried to finally understand the Ukraine issue. It's easy to understand from the perspective that America is good and likes good things and Putin is bad and likes bad things. We like that there is going to be a new vote, so a new vote is a good thing. That’s because we like... uh... Viktor. Wait, both the candidates are named Viktor and have long last names that begin in 'y'. Still, I have it on good authority that they are two completely different people. And we like one - the good Viktor - while Putin favors another - the bad Viktor... who is bad. Hope that clears things up.
* With Russia trying to hold on to its old Soviet Union partners and working on new nukes, could this be the reemergence of the Soviet Union and the Cold War? That would be so cool! It would be like one of those movies where you thought the bad guy was killed in the first, but somehow comes back at the beginning of the sequel. What would we subtitle this one?
Cold War 2: Sub-Zero
Anyway, whatever it's called, like all wars, it should be fun!
* So Tommy Thompson warns of attacks on the food supply. What are we going to do now? Have armed Marines in the produce section? Some old lady going to be squeezing a cantaloupe to check if it's fresh and find a Beretta 9mm pressed against her temple with the warning, "You've had enough time to tell whether that melon is ripe or not; now either buy it or back away!" That would be so funny... and, uh, wrong.
* Al Qaeda took credit for an attack on a U.S. Consulate in Saudi Arabia. Apparently they killed a number of locals before getting killed or captured themselves. Gee, that sure taught us. Do you ever think a terrorist attack will be so botched that Al Qaeda will deny credit right away. Like if a truck rams into an American building and absolutely nothing happens. "Dude, that totally wasn't us; Al Qaeda always wires its bombs properly as Allah wills. That must have been that other terrorists group... uh... Bud Qaeda."
* Bush won Ohio! Officially! Why is this news! I dunno! But hooray!
* So it looks like some environmentalcases burned down homes under construction in Maryland. Seems like we keep getting more of this home grown terrorism. How do these groups recruit, anyway?
RECRUITER: Do you care about the environment?
* A Yemeni sheik said that Allah will bring great storms to America because of his arrest. A little late there, buddy. If you said that before the Florida hurricane season, though, you might have actually converted me.
Did I remember to take down all the storm windows?
* 532 alert readers e-mailed me about how the University of Pittsburgh (which is scarily near my alma mater Carnegie Mellon) cloned monkey embryos. Good job guys; you know there is a huge demand for more monkeys that look alike.
* Now, you probably ask, will this research eventually lead to the future warned about in The Planet of Apes including the blowing up of the Statue of Liberty? According to my research, there are absolutely no scenarios in which this won't.
* BTW, I'm organizing a mob to storm the University of Pittsburgh. We're going old-school, so stop at Ace Hardware and pick up a pitchfork or a torch. Instead of attacking wherever they did the monkey experiment, though, we're going up against the Cathedral of Learning since it is much more ominous looking. Fun for the whole family!
* In case you missed it, big contest going on! You keep checking IMAO and you win!
December 06, 2004
That Was Fun
Well, ronin, you have ten more chances to win over the next ten days. But when will I post each day? No one ever expects the
If you enjoy humor and free stuff, remember to e-mail Taranto (email@example.com) about how IMAO is the bestest and to retract his foolish endorsement of Scrappleface.
You Have Money, We Speak!
Look at the exclusive speakers for Premiere Speakers Bureau - you might recognize a few names. Yeah, some are pricey, but worth it (I'll have tips later for college kids on getting speaker funding). Oh, and one, Ben Shapiro, I know reads this site (Hey, Ben!). He's going to try and do Harvard Law school while doing speaking engagements, so everyone book him so he's so busy he fails law school. One less lawyer! Muh ha ha ha!
Super Huge Contest to Gratuitously Increase Traffic
You know how you guys annoy me to no end with commenting "First!" Well, until next Thursday, you could win a prize for it.
Premiere Speakers Bureau, the place to book speakers for all occasions, is running a promotion with IMAO to give away autographed books by some of your favorite right-wing authors. Each day (starting today and ending next Thursday), I'll put up a special post and the first person to comment to it wins a book from these selections (yes, books autographed by Sean Hannity, Zell Miller, Oliver North, Laura Ingraham, Ann Coulter, Michael Reagan, and Neil Cavuto).
So, what are the rules? Well, I'm going to do a post about Premiere Speakers Bureau each day (this one doesn't count), and the first person to comment wins BUT the comment cannot be "First!" I now hate that word. And, whatever word someone else won with is now an ineligible word. Also, when you post, you have to have an e-mail with it as I will contact you to get your name, address, phone number, and choice of book so your prize can be sent to you in time for Christmas (make sure you've posted before with your e-mail and "Remember Info" checked so you can be quick to the draw). You can only win once, too. And IMAO Employees and their immediate family are ineligible (so basically my family and SarahK's).
Also, you can just go ahead and buy autographed books from here if you don’t feel like playing and want to get some good Christmas gifts.
The first chance to win will be later this night...
Opinionjournal has just endorsed Scrappleface ("Do We Have Coattails?" item) in the weblog awards! One of my favorite blogging institution have turned against me, and they must pay big! I guess I'm "going to break with tradition" and tell everybody to e-mail Taranto (firstname.lastname@example.org) with your full rage!
In better news, I'm going to announce a contest soon... a really cool one. Actually, someone will win a great prize by the end of the day. In fact, someone will win a prize everyday until next Thursday. Details real soon.
Remember to vote for IMAO; not only am I funny - you win great prizes!
Now what's a great lie to tell about Taranto...
UPDATE: May have recruited a powerful friend to counter this endorsement. This could get interesting...
Oh yeah, the contest!
I Am Frank J. and No Other!
People are always using junk science to "prove" things like global warming, holes in the ozone, gravity, and that I'm actually Ted Rall. The latter is the worst of these, and even uses a phoney document to try and prove its point. If you look carefully at the typeface and spacing on that supposed memo, it's obvious it doesn't match up to any typewriter available in the late seventies. You'll have to get the original mrmo and compare it to a New Courier document written in Word to see how it really came about.
Also, I wasn't born until months after the memo is dated, but font analysis is more interesting.
So Do You Want a Medal or a Monument?
RightWingNews has its annual warblogger awards. I think it can best be summed up by, "Damn you, Scrappleface!"
I got second in humor, tied for fourth for best original content (which is nice), and didn't place anywhere on best blogs. You mean, out of all the bloggers polled, there weren't three who considered me a best blog?! I'll kill everyone! If you here in the news of a serial killer taking out bloggers, that's me!
Anyway, Misha lost his most annoying right-of-center blogger position decisively to Andrew Sullivan (who also placed for most annoying left of center blogger). Andrew Sullivan winning most overrated is ridiculous, though, since he has been bashed so much lately.
Anyway, congrats to sometimes guest blogger Ducky for placing on the best up and coming blogger.
As for Wizbang's 2004 Weblog Awards, I'm in the lead now (good job, crack smokers), but it's by less than a percentage point, so continue to vote each day (you can vote every 24 hours until voting closes Dec. 12th).
My endorsements for other categories are Harvey of Bad Example for Top 100-250 blogs, INDC Journal for Best New Blog, and The Flying Space Monkey for Best of the Top 500 - 1000 Blogs since I was properly bribed. I'll still accept bribes for more endorsements. I guess I'll throw my support for free behind Blackfive who is neck and neck with Citizen Smash for Best Military Blog (they both really deserve it, though).
More humor to come... but only if you vote!
Usually Malware Is Accidentally Downloaded, But Sometimes You Pay Good Money for It
I've having enough trouble setting up my new computer, and guess what I found yesterday when I walked into my den? Gremlins! They were all over my new Dell, and I was like, "What in the world are you doing? The thing is already loaded with Microsoft software! I even use IE for my browser and Outlook for my mail; what in the world are you guys going to do?"
"Nothing worse than that," one of the Gremlins said before they all sulked off.
In My World: Cleaning Up the U.N.
Bush looked over the back of the Declaration of Independence carefully. "So where is that treasure map?"
Laura Bush snatched it from his hands. "What did I tell you about playing with historical documents? I'm taking this back to the National Archives."
"Aww," Bush moaned as Laura walked away. He then picked up his phone. "Frist, where's that intelligence bill?"
"We're still working on it."
"What! What's the use of a majority if they don't do what I tell them? You shape up, or I'll find some other Congress to do my bidding!" Bush hung up. "Now I'm bored."
Bush spotted Scott McClellan walking by. "Hey, Scott; what's happening in the world?"
"Well... uh... there is the oil for food scandal at the U.N."
"Great idea!" Bush exclaimed as he sat up. "Let's clean up the U.N." Bush opened up a closet revealing a large number of baseball bats. He picked one up. "Here, you pick one, Scott."
"Uh... okay," Scott said dubiously as he took a bat.
Bush poked Scott in the stomach with his bat. "That's a bat for playing baseball with, dumbass! Get a beating bat." Bush then handed Scott a new bat.
"So what are we going to do with these bats?" Scott asked.
"You're so dumb," Bush answered as he headed out of the office, "Now let's find Rumsfeld."
Rumsfeld was nearby using a phone and shouting, "I want the insurgents dead! DEAD! You should be killing them now! ...You're not killing them; you're talking to me!"
"Hey, Rummy, can we borrow your dog?" Bush asked.
"Yes! Just stop bothering me!"
"Deal! Chomps, grab your U.N. helmet."
Chomps grabbed his blue peacekeeper helmet, flipped it in the air, and caught it on his head. He then growled at whatever he suspected he'd be angry at soon.
Bush, Scott, and Chomps headed for the door, but were soon spotted by Laura. "Quick, Scott, use your spin powers so she doesn't get suspicious."
"What are you two doing with baseball bats and Rumsfeld's angry dog?" Laura questioned.
"Uh... we're going to play baseball at the park," Scott answered.
"But those look like beating bats to me... as evidenced by the blood stains on them," Laura said suspiciously.
"No, we... uh... painted them with splashes of red... which all the cool kids are doing now."
"Then why does Chomps have his U.N. peacekeeper helmet?"
"He's using that as a baseball helmet."
"And why don't you two have helmets?"
"We're… uh… much less safety conscious than Chomps.."
Laura tried to stare down Scott. "Okay, but I'm going to keep my eye on you two!" She then walked off.
"Good job, Scott," Bush said, "Now let's go smash!"
* * * *
"Smash! Smash! Smash!" Bush yelled as he swung his bat around and smashed stuff in the U.N. "You smash stuff too!" he told Scott.
"Okay," Scott said as he dubiously hit stuff with his bat. "Hey! This is fun!"
"You look suspicious to me!" Bush yelled at one U.N. delegate. He then raised his bat. "You get out of the U.N.!" The man ran away in fear. "This place is filled with lackeys of dictators."
"What are you doing?" Kofi Annan demanded.
"We're cleaning up the U.N., Coffee," Bush told him. He then picked up a paperweight off a desk and threw it at a window, shattering it. "And we do windows!"
"We'll see about that!" Kofi answered, "Kojo!"
A large man entered the room. "I am Kojo!" he yelled, "The U.N. exists for Kojo to make money. You smash U.N., then you fight Kojo. I am Kojo."
"I'll smash you good!" Bush yelled as he ran at Kojo and swung his bat. The bat smashed to pieces against Kojo.
Kojo laughed. "You cannot smash Kojo! I am Kojo!"
"Well, then," Bush said, backing up, "I think it's time for Kojo to meet Cujo."
Chomps then leapt at Kojo with a vicious growl.
"No! Kojo no like being bit by angry dog! I am Kojo!"
"Now that's some good peacekeeping, Chomps," Bush chuckled.
"You cannot come in here and maul my son with your dog!" Kofi shouted.
"I can do whatever I want; I'm a newly reelected American president," Bush answered, "Isn't that right, Scott."
"Well, you were reelected, but I'm not sure that gives you legal authority to..."
"Shut up, Scott," Bush interrupted, "Anyway, Coffee, you better stop the U.N. from being so inept and corrupt!"
"Never!" Kofi shouted defiantly.
"Scott, smash him with your bat," Bush ordered.
"Uh... I don't know about smashing people. You see..." Suddenly something hit Scott's bat. It was a shuriken stuck inside it.
"Oh no!" Bush shouted, "It's the Chinese delegation to U.N. - evil Chinese Commie ninjas! Cheese it!"
Bush and Scott then ran away with ninjas in hot pursuit.
* * * *
"So, did Bush and you go to the U.N. to smash things with baseball bats, even mauling Kofi Annan's son with an angry dog, until you were chased away by Chinese ninjas?" a reporter asked.
"Do you know how ridiculous that sounds?" Scott scoffed.
"Does America face a kung fu gap with the Chinese?" Melinda Hawkish of FOX News asked.
"That's insane," Scott answered, "Our kung fu is superior to theirs."
"Then do a flying dragon punch," Melinda challenged.
"Uh... later. My back is acting up."
Melinda then leapt up behind the podium and got Scott in a headlock while twisting his wrist. "It's obvious the Bush administration's kung fu is weak," Melinda said to her camera, "This is a FOX News exclusive."
"Ow! Doesn't this go against journalistic standards?" Scott whined.
The crowd of reporters laughed at the sound of the phrase "journalistic standards."
"I hate you guys."
December 04, 2004
Computers Have Gotten Simpler And Thus I Don't Understand them Anymore
I only got an 80GB harddrive with my new Dell desktop, so I was going to move my 120GB second harddrive to my new computer. The Dell was really simple to open (you push a button on top and bottom and it folds open) but inside I found only one IDE cable port with a cable connected to the two DVD drives (one just a drive and the other a writeable drive). Connected to the harddrive was this little blue cabe I had never seen before. There are slots for three more of whatever those cables are, but I couldn't find a way to connect my older 120GB drive that uses an IDE connection. So, what is that blue cable connected to the harddrive and is there anyway I can get my other harddrive working on this new computer?
UPDATE: Dear Lord, you're the most useless readers ever. Get a Mac? Install Linux? I play computer games, dumbasses. Do you Mac and Linux users even know what those are?
Now, will this work for allowing my old harddrive to connect in my new computer. If you don't know, shut up and smoke your crack you people obviously have large supplies of.
UPDATE 2: Perhaps I was too harsh. Not all of you gave useless advice. It just seems that most of you smoke crack.
Continue to Press Onward!
Right now in 2004 Weblog Awards, Scrappleface (who stopped by to mock me in the previous voting post) and I differ by .1%, so go vote again (you can vote every 24 hours). I'm also supporting sometimes guest blogger Harvey of Bad Example for Top 100-250 blogs. I'd support RightWingDuck, my other guest blogger, but he's in the same category as me and shot up to 4th! If I had his votes, I'd be way ahead. Now who was the idiot who nominated him...
Anyway, I need to read Scrappleface's new book so, if I win, I can shout from a hilltop, "Scrappleface, you magnificent bastard... I read your book!"
UPDATE: Since I'm a front runner, now I'm being slandered.
UPDATE 2: If I win this, it will make me happy, and thus speed up you seeing the happy dance!
On the Radio
UPDATE: They played it and you missed it. I probably should add a link at the top of the page to an organized page of the audio bits, as going through the IMAO for the Non-Deaf category is a bit cumbersome.
December 03, 2004
Links of the Day
Now you can have Ninja in a can! Will terrors ever cease?
Bill of INDC Journal wanders among the muckadoos in DC so you don't have to.
Uh-oh, flashbacks to the first episode of Alias...
Here's a cool video of the full theme song to Team America (which wasn't even played to its entirety in the credits). WARNING: Just as raunchy as the movie... and filled with mindless patriotism!
Now screw you guys; I'm going to play videogames. I may have a big (blogging) announcement over the weekend, though.
We Must Fight and We Must Win
Honorable ronin, you are allowed to vote once every day in 2004 Weblog Awards up until the 12th when the polls close, so, when it's 24 hours from your previous vote, for me again in the humor section. I was beating Scrappleface temporarily yesterday, but now I'm far behind again. You readers need to work harder to make sure I win! Otherwise I will become depressed and not funny anymore.
That idea is so horrible you can't stand it. You vote now!
Know Thy Enemy: The United Nations
The United Nations has shown itself to be increasingly corrupt and an impediment to the United States of America (the best United States of all). Thus, I sent my crack research team to find out all they could about the U.N.
FUN FACTS ABOUT THE UNITED NATIONS
* The U.S. created the United Nations in 1945 in an effort to centralize pointless squabbling.
* The job of the U.N. is to make other nations feel like they have a say in things while the U.S. goes ahead and does whatever the hell it feels like.
* The U.N. has expanded its job to getting kickbacks for their members and hating Israel.
* Most of the voting in the U.N. is for non-binding resolutions that hold no weight. It's like internet polls with more Jew-hating.
* The main power in the U.N is held by the few members of the Security Council who can vote and have vetoes. For some strange reason, France has a permanent seat at that council. It's their last semblance of having any influence whatsoever in this world, and they guard it as protectively as Frenchmen can.
* The main job for the U.N. is "peacekeeping" which usually means "whining at the U.S."
* While the U.N. never actually stops massacres and genocide, it does have endless debate about them. And isn't that better than nothing?
* No, it is not.
* The U.N. is full of dictatorships who get to vote on issues. Voting for them is new, but they realize how much better hating the Jews is when you pass a full resolution.
* The U.N. headquarters is in N.Y. and is technically not U.S. property. If you beat up some U.N. guy, the U.N. police would be the ones to try and arrest you. All you would have to do is then step out of the building and they wouldn't have jurisdiction over you. Then you could tell a NY cop, "I just beat up a U.N. guy!" and he'd be like, "Cool!" Then the U.N. police would yell from their front door, "He beat up some guy here. You extradite him back into this building!" And the cop would answer, "No." Heh, that's funny.
* U.N. people have silly names like Boutros Boutros, Kofi, and Kojo to reinforce how useless they are. It's sad that some countries are so backwards they don't know those names are silly.
* Well, I guess it's not technically "sad" since I'm laughing.
* The U.N. sometimes holds councils in other countries on topics such as women's rights or the environment. Whatever the original topic is supposed to be, the main order of the day is always U.S. and Israel bashing.
* The U.N. has had some of the worst human rights offenders head their council on human rights. If they were told to guard a henhouse, they'd probably appoint a fox.
* U.N peacekeepers have blue helmets. While not strategic for camouflage, U.N. peacekeepers never do anything anyway, so they might as well have colorful helmets.
* If attacked by U.N. peacekeepers, find the portal out of the strange dimension you got yourself trapped in.
* When dealing with U.N. members, remember that their greediness is only matched by their cowardice. Try shaking them to get what you want.
* With such scandals as the Oil for Food program, the U.N. shows itself to be both inept and corrupt. On the other hand, its building is shiny.
* In a fight between U.N. and Aquaman, the U.N. would endlessly talk about deploying peacekeepers against Aquaman but never actually do it. Thus Aquaman would win by default. Yes, there is at least one entity in this world more impotent than Aquaman.
* While the U.S. dropping out of the U.N. would cripple the corrupt organization and save the U.S. money, it would make lots of whiny nations angry at us... which, come to think of it, isn't really a change.
* Plans for turning the U.N. headquarters into an IHOP are on the table, but nothing has been finalized.
Eating Habits of the Ghetto Follow Up
Now here is why hate mail is funny. It's like the guy is charging me full force, but then I end up being this big unmovable oak tree that they smack right into. Seeing people running into things is funny. Most, after doing so, get back up and reassess the situation, but what was unique about The Limey was that he instantly ran full force into the tree a second time... and a third... and a fourth...
Well, Mikey, after his initial e-mail, seems to be like the former and has calmed down (swearing edited once again for The Children™):
Hey, man. Nothing personal, I'm just a bored person tryin to get somebody's goat, and I respect that you can have a sense of humor at the fact that you don't give a wicky-wacky woozle about anybody but yourself. That's your deal not mine. I stumbled upon your website after a google search of monkeys (dont ask me why) and seen your monkey picture, which was funny. But anyways. I'll raise my glass of bargain brand to you and your coors (anti semetic brewing company, mind you) and let you continue to think that the news speaks the truth and that President Bush does give a woozle about anybody. It is my opinion (lets not fling "facts" around here, because neither of us will see them as that) that this was is not against terrorists, but rather against a foriegn body that had something we wanted (oil, i.e. money). Iraq never had any ties to 9-11, so this has nothing to do with terrorism. T! he terrorists are all over the place, so we have as much right to bomb the flippy-doo out of any country as much as we did Iraq. Since Iraq is an arab country, it doesnt hurt the conscience of our leaders to kill civilians, because they are of another complexion, not to mention the fact that the majority of them are muslim (another aspect of this unHoly War). But snicker-doodle all this, I could spit the legitimate and rational reasons against this was to you for hours, it would never change your mind, just the same as you could put me on to the Fox news and I would still see through it. It isn't me that would change your mind. Maybe if you were over in Iraq, or I was over in Iraq, but as far as I can tell, neither of us is. Maybe I'll twiddle my thumbs, and stop questioning our governments motives, because i want to be a patriot, and we all know that patriots arent supposed to think for themselves. Have a good one, dude.
Of course, there were some swipes at me there and it is filled with enough logical holes that you could use it strain spaghetti, but it's not funny enough to respond to again. When will there be another Limey? When will someone once again, get up, dust himself off, and charge face first into a tree again?
Such people are rare in life... and all busy posting at Democratic Underground.
And Then I Got in This Car and Was Running Over Bugs...
Hey, meant to have a Know Thy Enemy™ ready for this morning, but it was a choice between having a post ready or playing Half Life 2.
I think I chose wisely.
Anyway, I'll try to get it done by the afternoon. As compensation, I'll post a follow up to the ghetto hate mail right now.
December 02, 2004
The New Bombing System
In this new addition of IMAO for the Non-Deaf™ produced by Scott McCollum, you get to hear Bush trying out the new bombing system.
Click here for the audio. And make sure you have an updated media player before you whine about it cutting off before the end.
The Execution Is Not the Point So Much as the Execution of the Execution
I haven't said anything about the Scott Peterson trial. I'm not a big trial guy (though I am waiting expectantly for the Saddam trial), and there isn't anything funny about it. To me, it ended up being like the anti-OJ trial. I knew OJ was guilty, and I was pretty sure he was going to be convicted and was quite disappointed when he wasn't. On this trial, I was pretty damn sure Peterson did it, but I assumed he was going to get away with it and was quite happy when he didn't (Note to Whom It May Concern: To most people, OJ's murdering and getting away with it had nothing to do with race). Anyway, now that the verdict is down, my reaction is pretty simple: Fry the bastard.
Then I get to thinking, we don't fry people anymore; we lethally inject. Even Old Sparky here in Florida was retired. (Ed Note: I originally wrote "Ole Smokey" as I was thinking of a famous "mishap" the chair one had that caused the state attorney general Bob Butterworth to quip, "People who wish to commit murder, they better not do it in the state of Florida because we may have a problem with our electric chair." Heh.)
Hell, we don't even lethally inject people. I forget the exact number, but California has put something like 600 people on death row during the history of the modern death penalty but only executed five so far. How different from life in prison is it to have some possible execution twenty years later? And isn't the point of having the death penalty to have a penalty worse than life in prison to threaten people with?
Now, in the arguments for the need for the death penalty, there are more reasons than just deterrence, but I'm going to focus on that to make this short. First off, it has to be threatening. That means you need to actually execute people and not just build some giant death row where you threaten to execute people. Plus, the means of execution should be scary. The gallows, the chair - these are ominous, scary things. The method of death is animated and lively - that means even scarier. A doctor's table - which is basically what lethal injection is done on - is not so ominous. It's about the same thing I lay on to give blood.
To get to my point, if you're going to execute people, don't be "humane" about it - because you're @$%& killing people! No matter what you do, it ain't going to be pretty, so go for the show. The death penalty just isn't scary enough as it is, and that should change.
Oh, and while we're on the subject, I have a big rant on how to argue against the death penalty and how not to argue against the death penalty - there are a lot of morons on that subject who seem to lack simple human understanding. I'll save that for later, though.
Peace, I'm outta here.
UPDATE: Here's a neat article on the history of Old Sparky/Smokey. Was I confused in earlier stating that the chair was retired?
The Hate Filled-Lefty Lefty Goes to Sea World
I think the Hate-Filled Lefty should have a theme song:
He's the Hate-Filled Lefty,
Okay, that needs work. Anyway, here is comic!
Yay! Comics are fun!
December 01, 2004
Eating Habits in the Ghetto
Yay! Mail! That's how I learn to be better. Let's see what Mike Massey has to say (f'ing turned to "wicky-wacky" for the sake of The Children™; actually, it still ain't good for the children so you'll have to click the "Read More" thingy):
Are you wicky-wacky dumb? or were you just raised in the suburbs, under the protective bubble of scared ass white bread parents? Youre website is a joke. It's idiots like you that think tax cuts help us. Are you rich? is that it, have you ever worked a day in your life? On top of that, supporting a racist war makes you a racist. Eat my dick, biggot. You ARE entitled to youre opinion, I'll defend that right for you til the day I die, but you are a wicky-wacky moron. Eat a dick and visit the ghetto. See what tax cuts and education reform have done for our country.
Mail makes me happy, so I write back:
Hey, Mikey, thanks for inquiring on how I am doing. I am in fact very rich and each day sip the blood of the working class for sustenance. And, of course, I never have worked a day in my life - working is for homos.
Hopefully I'll hear more from Mikey!
Thoughts from a Baby
My nerves can't take this anymore; I need to get out of here. It so deceptively warm and comfortable in the womb... like they want me to fall asleep. But I can't sleep... that's when they come for me. I'm sure that a couple of time I felt some poking and prodding was them preparing the vacuum... sure of it! They were just waiting for me to go to sleep… but I was on to them! You won't get me without a fight!
I'm so tired, though. I can't keep alert like this forever. I can't go on with this constant threat of death. Has it been nine months, yet? I want out! It’s felt like years…
Yes! It has been nine months! I can see the light! I'm getting out...
Wait! This could be one of those partial birth abortions! They're going to suck my brains out, those bastards! Get your dirty hands off me!
No, I'm going out head first. They only do those feet first, I think. There, I'm partially out, but I got to get all out so they can't kill me. Come on feet...
Yes! I'm born! You can't kill me now, you @%$# bastards! I have legal protections now. I'm a person, you @%$# psychos! And...
No... is that Dutch they're speaking? No, Lord, no. I've been born in the @%$# Netherlands! What does that doctor have in his hands? Is it something to euthanize me with?
When will the Sword of Damocles ever be removed from above my head?!
Question of the Day
Isn't SarahK the cutest and the bestest t-shirt babe ever?
Look at this preview of some of her new modeling pics (I'll be adding tons of new photos soon; I just got most of the important setting transferred to my new computer so I should be more productive at home as long as I'm not tempted to play Half Life 2... even though I just got the gravity gun!). I think they prove that SarahK the cutest and bestest t-shirt babe ever.
What do you think? (ANSWER: You think she is the cutest and bestest t-shirt babe ever... if you know what's good for you! :: shakes fist::)
Oh yeah, I also bought Metroid Prime 2 and haven't even touched that yet...
In My World: Why Canada?
"It is so great for you to come here and help forge friendly relations in Canada, eh."
"Relations between Canada and America are very important to us," Bush said as he squinted to at the man's nametag. "...Prime Minister Paul Martin."
"Now come and enjoy the vast culture of Canada," Martin beckoned.
"Canada has a culture?"
Martin paused for a moment. "Sorta. Anyway, follow me to watch our Maple Leaf Dancers do the traditional maple leaf dance to worship the leaf that is the source of our power."
"Cool. Head on without me and I'll be there in a minute," Bush told the Prime Minister. When Martin had left, Bush pulled out his cell phone. "I forget; why am I in Canada?"
"I don't know," Condoleezza Rice answered.
"But you are supposed to be my Secretary of State!"
"That's still Colin Powell, dumbass."
Martin peeked back in the room at Bush. "Come on! We're drinking mugs of maple syrup, eh!"
"Yeah, I'll be right there," Bush said. When Martin left again, Bush dialed another number on his cell phone. "Hey, goober, why am I in Canada?"
"I dunno. It's just a wasteland full of dumb crackers," Powell answered, "We hadn't even confirmed people lived there until just twenty years ago. I never said to go there."
"If you didn't, who did?"
"You have to come out, eh!" Martin said, peeking his head in the room again, "A moose wandered onto the field and we're all staring at him, eh."
"I'll be there in a sec," Bush said. Martin left once more and Bush used his phone again. "Rumsfeld, do you have secret plans to destroy Canada?"
"I have secret plans to destroy all countries... some not so secret."
"But do you have extra special plans to destroy Canada?"
"No, they're too close; fallout might hit us."
"So you didn't send me here as part of some attack idea?"
"Your actions have no bearing on my war plans," Rumsfeld growled and then hung up.
"Two Canadians are fighting to the death with hockey sticks in the gladiatorial arena," Martin called out, "You have to come, eh!"
Bush's phone started ringing. "I have a call from my wife; I have to take this." Bush answered the phone. "What is it, honey?"
"Did you pick up the non-low flush toilet from Canada?"
Bush slapped his forehead. "Oh yeah, that's why I went to Canada. To think I held a conference with the prime minister and everything."
"You did what?!" Laura exclaimed, "You dumb cracker! You were supposed to grab one of the toilets from the gray market in secret!"
"Don't worry, honey; I'll distract everyone and get out of this my usual way."
"No! Not your usual..." Laura started to say as Bush hung up.
Bush looked around the room. "What to set on fire?"
"We're going over all of Canada's historic achievements," Martin said as he ran in the room, "You should come! It will take less than a minute, eh."
* * * *
Prime Minister Paul Martin ran out into the crowd on fire and screaming. "Everyone look how your prime minister is on fire!" Bush called out, "Everyone pay attention to him and not to me..."
* * * *
"How do you respond to charges that the President set Prime Minister Paul Martin on fire?" a reporter asked.
"People burst into flames all the time for no reason," White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan answered, "We have documentation to prove that."
"What about reports that President Bush was seen crossing the America/Canada border carrying a toilet and laughing maniacally?"
"But you're not denying it?"
"Any other questions?" Scott inquired, a bit flustered. He looked around the press and pointed to one reporter. "Brainiac, what's your question."
"What is the gestation period for a Malayan Tapir?"
"Uh... about 400 days," Scott answered.
"Muh ha ha ha!" the evil robot laughed as he scribbled notes, "Soon I will know everything about this planet and then destroy it so the knowledge will be mine alone! Muh ha ha ha!"
Scott groaned. "Yes, we all know your nefarious plans, Brainiac. Any other questions?"
"Do you plan to leave this administration like many others are doing?" a reporter asked.
"No, I have no plans to leave and there are no suggestions that I should."
"I think you should leave," said another reporter to the nods of many others.
"I hate you guys," Scott muttered to himself as he took out a candy bar.
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