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January 31, 2005
Ronin Thought of the Day
80-year-old Rashid Majid of Iraq on the day of voting:
We have freedom now, we have human rights, we have democracy. We will invite the insurgents to take part in our system. If they do, we will welcome them. If they don't, we will kill them.
Now that there is some American spirit.
Frank Does Cat Blogging
I know this cat blogging thing is popular, but I'm a dog person. Still, I gots me a cat so I might as well blog about her.
Here she is eating from Minerva's food bowl even though I keep telling her not to.
(For the uninitiated, Minerva is SarahK's cat, and the beautiful SarahK is currently staying with me until she finds an apartment here in lovely Melbourne, FL).
Anyway, my cat is named Sydney. I named her after Sydney Bristow, the heroine of Alias, in an attempt to still keep some masculinity while owning a female cat. She's only a little kitten now, and still small enough for me to engulf her entire head in my hand, pick her up by it, and crush her if I ever tire of her.
Anyhoo, first thing I learned about cats is they ain't dogs. Like if you charge a dog yelling and screaming, the dog will understand it's time to run away in a game of chase. A kitten, on the other hand, will just stand there staring at you. In a way, a cat is more like a dog with autism. Sydney mainly ignores everything going around about her and attacks random little things with intense purpose. She suddenly darts to and fro, jumping from piece of furniture to piece of furniture, with no actual destination to her frenetic activity.
Incidentally, she hasn't quite got the jumping down, and will quite often just slam right into a wall. Or, worse, she won't quite make it by the jump alone and then I hear this desperate clawing to make up the difference. My furniture!
She does interact with Minerva, though, through the form of dive tackles. Sydney will find some high vantage point and then attack Minerva. Minerva, being a regular sized cat, is quite larger and will usually get Sydney in a headlock and start kicking her in the head. Good for Minerva. They'll fight everywhere, and it's a good thing I paid extra for that thick nawgahide cover for my pool table. Incidentally, I used to think Minerva, a year and a half old cat, was a bit of a spaz, but now she seem like a wise elder in comparison to Sydney (except that time I peed on her head and it was all her fault). Minerva moves slowly with purpose compared to Sydney randomly darting everywhere.
Can you train cats? Anytime I'm trying to eat at my coffee table, Sydney jumps up to try and steal some food. Now, with any dog, a good smack along with a shout of, "No!" is taken quite seriously. With Sydney, she doesn't seem to understand an angry tone of voice or even the meaning of being struck. If I hit her on the head and yell, "No!" and then point at her, she'll just try and bite my finger. No yelling or smacking seems to make her understand how totally un-hitler that is. Hey, Sydney, you only weigh like a pound. I could easily crush you. Comprehende?
What annoys me most about cats is how hard it is to gauge their moods. A dog has a variety of expressions plus different barks, whines, yelps, and growls. As I learned from Minerva, a cat has pretty much just one meow... which she uses for every occasion. Sydney, though, is mainly a mute. When she does make a sound - usually reserved for when I try to pick her up and be nice to her - she doesn't even have a proper meow. For some reason, that bothers me. I'm not a cat person, but I at least want a proper meow. Instead, Sydney has a little monkey squeak. No resemblance to a cat sound whatsoever. Actually, with the way she is always trying to grab at things with her paws, she seems a lot like a monkey. Sometimes I wonder if someone made up that story of finding her in the parking lot at work and was really just trying to get rid of a weird gray monkey.
The other sound Sydney makes is a purr. It's a constant noise that modulates with her breathing, making her sound like a car that's trying over and over to start. That noise occurs usually anytime I'm near her. My best guess is that's its purpose is to work as a warning beacon to keep me from stepping on the little thing in the dark.
It only works so-so.
The other noise I've heard her make is a little growl. This is only used at Minerva in defense of a dropped piece of avocado.
So, Sydney isn't much in the sound department. You'd think she'd make up for that by being quite expressive. Well, here are all of Sydney's expressions:
I guess she also has some body language, such as arching her back to make her look larger. I've seen her do that and then run at Minerva sideways. It was one of the most awkward looking things I've seen; she was like some weird lizard they'd show on the Discovery channel.
When she's not bothering Minerva, Sydney follows me everywhere, always tempting fate as she runs underneath my feet. She even once tried to get in the shower with me (that was funny). Every morning, I'll find her on my bed trying to bite my toes. If I ever try to pet her or pick her up, she runs away, though. Fine, I didn't want to pet you anyway, you stupid cat.
All in all, these few weeks living with cats has made me even more of a dog person. One night I was woken up by some strange sounds. I turned the light on to discover that Minerva had learned how to open my gun closet by pulling at it from underneath with her paws. She still has to crack the safe, but that's only a matter of time.
I really need a dog to keep an eye on those two.
In My World: Madame Secretary
"Powell, you look different," Bush said, "More determined, fiercer, much scarier... and you're wearing a skirt. I like it."
"It's me, Condoleezza Rice," Condi stated, "I've replaced Colin Powell as Secretary of State, remember?"
"No, not all. And, since I forget what that is, I don't care. So do you have some department to run or something? This is my pencil sharpening day and I don't like to be bothered."
"I run the State Department and handle diplomacy!" Condi shouted indignantly.
"Diplomacy," Bush chuckled as he sharpened a pencil, "Well, have fun talking and writing memos and stuff, goober."
"I'm going to take things in another direction," Condi declared.
"Shh! Can't hear the sharpening!"
Condi left the Oval Office and saw Donald Rumsfeld outside. "Now I'm a cabinet member like you," she said cheerily.
"Bah!" Rumsfeld grumbled, "You're Secretary of State. You have to talk to people and forge relations - women's work! Why don't you get to that and knitting while I plot the destruction of nations' infrastructures."
Condi growled and stomped off.
* * * *
"Great," Condi grumbled to herself, "My memo on the State Department's new direction got blocked because our e-mail filter's out vulgarity. I guess I'll just have to set the new tone by burning something prominent and then announce our new mission statement: 'Death to our enemies!'"
The phone rang at her desk. "What?" Condi demanded.
"It's your auto mechanic, Dr. Rice. It's going to take longer to get out those dents than I thought. What exactly did you hit?"
"A California Senator. What of it?"
"Well, there's dents in the front and back..."
"And there is a little thing called the reverse gear. Now get it done!"
* * * *
"This is your first diplomatic meeting," Condi said to herself, "Now don't get nervous." She then walked into the office.
Jacques Chirac approached her with his hand extended. "I would like to say..."
A sharp punch sent Chirac to the floor gripping his bloody nose. "You have nothing to say that interests me," Condi spat at him.
"You warmongering fool!" Chirac shouted as he got to his feet, "What are you doing?"
"Just getting off on the right foot!" Condi said as she kicked Chirac in the crotch.
"Aieee!" Chirac screeched, "You kicked me so hard, my testicles have swollen to the size of grapes!"
"Don't bore me with your hyperbole," Condi stated. "So, am I going to have problems with you?"
ďHere; I surrender!" Chirac tossed some keys and a disk to Condi. "Here are the keys to our buildings and all our codes!"
Condi tossed them back at him. "You country is useless to me. Now stay out of the U.S.'s way."
Chirac curled into a fetal position. "Yes, ma'am."
"Off to a great start," Condi smiled as she walked off.
* * * *
"So, now I think you can understand how the Iraqi elections are a new turning point for the Middle East," Condi said. She then turned to the Germans behind her. "Do you think he can hear me through the drywall?"
"Maybe you could remove his head from it?" suggested one German.
"I'll take his head out of the wall when I want his head out of the wall!" Condi shouted.
* * * *
"Condi!" Bush yelled, stopping her in the hallway, "While I was emptying out my pencil shavings, I heard that you've been beating up foreign diplomats and a news report that you're the first Secretary of State to use a sock full of nickels in negotiations."
"I'm making my own style," Condi declared.
"I read it all in a book somewhere," Condi assured.
"Well, as long as it's from a book," Bush said dubiously. "Still, how you put Abbas in the hospital for a week is going to slow down negotiations in Israel. On the other hand, I really wanted to spend that weekend playing videogames anyway, so good work."
"Thanks." Condi walked off.
Alberto Gonzales ran to Bush. "When do I get to be Attorney General?" Alberto demanded, "I want to torture terrorists!"
"I know; we all do," Bush answered sympathetically, "but you have to wait until after your confirmation hearing during which the Democrats will all yell at you."
"I'll lock them up and torture them too!" Alberto swore.
"All in good time, my Mexican friend. All in good time."
January 30, 2005
Sorry I Peed on Your Cat's Head
Even when no person is in the house, I found out it's a good idea not to leave the bathroom door open. Well, I learned something, and hopefully Minerva learned something about suddenly jumping up on a toilet bowl.
That said, Earl has me up against Glenn Reynolds for "Who is hotter?" No offense to the blender, but why doesn't she put me up against Napoleon Dynamite?
A Simple Act of Bravery
We have here our idiotic "Rock the Vote" and "Vote or Die," but the Iraqis faced the prospect of "Vote and Die" and turned out anyway. Most of us never has to face such danger for something we consider so simple (or even an inconvenience). God bless them and guide them. It's only a start, but hopefully it will lead to what the region needs and the what the good people there deserve.
January 28, 2005
Smell Ya Later
Dudes, it's like totally the weekend for me. I'll see ya later and keep an eye on the elections this weekend. Also, I'm trying as fast as I can to get my book together of In My World's chronicling the first four years of Dubya. It's going to be totally hitler!
IMAO EXCLUSIVE!!! WISCONSIN TAKEN OVER BY NINJAS!!!
MUST CREDIT IMAO!!!
I just found out from a reliable source that Wisconsin has been taken over by ninjas. This has not been picked up by the national press as people don't pay much attention to Wisconsin. Their ninja warlord leader, Seikazu, led his warriors into Wisconsin this morning and easily defeated Wisconsin's sole defense, the Green Bay Packers. Seikazu then marched into the Capitol building, defeated Governor Doyle in a short battle, and then declared Doyle's kung fu to be "weak" before he finished off the governor with his patented flying dragon kick.
What the further plans of the ninjas are is unknown. I recommend everyone check a map and see if your state is next to Wisconsin.
BIG BIG SCOOP!!! CREDIT IMAO!!!
In My World: Democracy Is Hard Work
"Hey, democracy is fun and cool," Buck the Marine said as he approached an Iraqi and handed out a pamphlet.
"What's this say?" asked the Iraqi.
"I dunno; ain't my job to read things," Buck answered indignantly, "Come to think of it, ain't my job to hand out pamphlets, but here I am. Anyway, why don't you consider voting? You know, we've been here a while trying to set this up, and it ain't exactly been a picnic."
"Stop badgering people into voting!" said a U.N. official behind Buck, "It's their choice whether to risk their lives for your failed experiment of democracy."
"Hey, we worked hard on this - getting all shot and blown up - and we just want to help everyone vote without them getting hurt or nothing," Buck answered, "Now you get out of here before you make a Marine mad!"
"Ha! You're not allowed to harm me!" the U.N. official laughed.
Buck bowed his head. "Yeah, I was explicitly ordered not to harm the U.N." When he looked up again, the U.N. official lay dead. "What happened?"
"What happened about what?" Rumsfeld asked as he put away his strangling gloves.
"Hey, it's the Secretary of the Defense!" Buck exclaimed.
"Yeah, I decided to come here since this election is important," Rumsfeld said, "If it goes well, Bush will let me start another war." Rumsfeld walked to the Iraqi. "So are you going to vote?"
"Well, I'm afraid the Zarqawi's people will..."
"Be afraid of me!" Rumsfeld shouted, "I will kill you if you don't vote! Rarr!"
"Okay!" the Iraqi cried, cowering, "Who do you want me to vote for?"
"Youíre supposed to choose him yourself!" Rumsfeld shouted, "Don't you understand and appreciate democracy? Rarr!"
The Iraqi ran away in fear.
"Maybe you should just try handing out these pamphlets," Buck suggested.
A little Iraqi boy tugged at Rumsfeld's suit coat. "Can I vote?" he asked.
"No, you're too young."
"Can I vote when I'm older?" he asked hopefully.
"Only if your parents don't screw things up. Now stop bothering me."
"Here, I have something even better than voting," Buck said, approaching the child, "Candy!" He gave the kid a Jolly Rancher.
"Yay!" the child exclaimed as he ran off, "I love Americans!"
"Doesn't that give you a warm feeling inside?" Buck asked, smiling.
"Only whiskey does that," Rumsfeld answered, "Let's get to work now. I know there are terrorists trying to scare people from voting, so let's scare them back. And by scare, I mean kill. We just have to wrap some towels around our heads and pretend to be terrorists to infiltrate their group."
"But right now I'm assigned to..."
"I'm the Secretary of War! You will do as I say!"
* * * *
"Hi, I'm Rumhommed," Rumsfeld said as he entered an Iraqi establishment, "and this is my friend, Buckmed the Marine. We want to help stop the vote."
"Good!" said the terrorist, "We Islamic fundamentalists hate democracy, sunshine, rainbows, happiness, and puppy dogs and wish to stop them all. Follow me."
The terrorist led them to another room. "Here are our three snipers. They will be very important in scaring people from voting. Thus we... Hey! They've all been strangled to death!"
"It happens," Rumsfeld said putting away his strangling gloves, "So what else do you have here?"
"Well, luckily we have our bomb expert, Omar, standing over here," the terrorist continued, "With just his efforts alone we will be able to... Ah! He's been strangled as well!"
"Darn inconvenient, isn't it?" Rumsfeld said, putting away his strangling gloves.
"I bet someone in our organization is working against us from the inside!" the terrorist declared, "Luckily, over here is the wise Ahkmed who will be able to ferret out the perpetrator. Now, Ahkmed... Aieee! He is now dead from strangling!"
"He'll be missed," Rumsfeld said, putting away his strangling gloves.
"Now all I have is our mascot, Chippers the monkey, to cheer me up," the terrorist said in a depressed tone, "Why don't you dance for us, Chippers... Oh no! He has been strangled dead now too! Who would strangle a monkey?"
"Someone in arms length, most likely," Rumsfeld said, putting away his strangling gloves.
"That only leaves the three of us," the terrorist said suspiciously, "and I know I didn't strangle anyone. Thus, it's one of you two! Now, Buckmed the Marine seems to have an honest face, but, as for you, Rumhommed... ack... erk."
"There, everyone is dead," Rumsfeld said, putting away his strangling gloves.
"But there are more terrorist groups," Buck stated.
"If these Iraqis want independence, they have to learn to strangle people themselves," Rumsfeld said as he walked out the building.
Buck looked over the town as the sun set. "This could be a great place if they get freedom along with some good 'ole American know-how."
"Whatever," Rumsfeld growled, "Now let's go to a bar and get as drunk as a Kennedy."
"We aren't allowed alcohol here," Buck said.
"Then let's smuggle in some booze like the Kennedys of old."
TO BE CONTINUED OVER THE WEEKEND AT AN IRAQ NEAR YOU, GOD WILLING
January 27, 2005
Question for My Readers
Since I steal money from the government through a number of different schemes, do I need to disclose that information before any commentary I do on the policies of the Bush administration whom I'm defrauding the money from? All this disclosure stuff is starting to confuse me.
IMAO EXCLUSIVE!!! SEN. TED KENNEDY BANNED FROM THE CAPITOL!!!
MUST CREDIT IMAO!!!
I have just heard from the fire marshal in D.C. that Senator Ted Kennedy has been banned from the Capitol since the size of his head violates fire safety regulations. The marshal also had to add, "Kennedy is a big fat drunk and I hate him."
Right after the ruling, Kennedy was fished from a nearby river to get a response. Those who heard him said his immediate reaction was a bunch of incoherent mumblings with a thick Bostonian accent.
BIG SCOOP!!! MAKE SURE TO CREDIT IMAO!!!
The Great Move of 2005 - Part II
SarahK, who's had trouble making time for blogging as of late, has part II of our most un-Hitler journey from Amarillo to Melbourne in a U-Haul.
OT, the Evil SarahK has some pictures from SarahK's tryout at American Idol I've never seen (I love the look of Minerva in the third pic). Also, she has a neat picture of my little hellian Sydney at play.
January 26, 2005
What's it with Michelle Malkin and all her exclusives? I want exclusives! You lazy readers need to e-mail me news tips.
Then again, that would take me reading e-mails and maybe responding to them...
Oh! I'll just make stuff up!
* * * *
IMAO EXCLUSIVE! MUST CREDIT IMAO!
SECRET GROUP FORMED TO OPPOSE WHITE HOUSE NOMINEES!
IMAO has just received an exclusive memo through an exclusive source that is quite exclusive. Apparently, it confirms the existence of a special group formed by Senator Byrd to oppose some White House nominees and has as members other prominent Democrats such as Senatorette Boxer and Senator Kennedy. The name of the group is the Kongressional Konfirmation Kabal. Here is the memo as written by Senator Byrd and dated November 31st, 2004:
It is our duty as public servants to ensure that all members of the Bush administration are restricted to people of the white race. We know that Bush wishes to promote his negress and give the Attorney General to a Latino, and this we must stop! My initial thought were that we oppose Condoleezza Rice on grounds of her being a black woman and oppose Alberto Gonzales for being too Mexican, but it seems the opinion of the group that we need further reasons to argue against them. Thus, we should meet in secret again to discuss this. Remember to wear your costumes to hide your identities. Also, I remind you that our budget is small, so member Teddy must be more careful not to vomit on his sheets after his afternoon drinking binges. The number of king size sheets sewn together it takes to cover him are expensive to replace. That is all.
I'm not sure what all of this means, but I bet it's big big big! Remember to credit IMAO!
Credit it! ::shakes fist::
As Elections Near, Fear Swells
The Iraqi elections near, and if they play out a certain way, they could have disastrous consequences for many. So many are planning on the outcome to play out as they hope, but, if things go differently, all will collapse for them.
Just think of all the horrible things that will happen if the Iraqi elections succeed:
* Senatorette Barbara Boxer will be so disenchanted that she will drop out of the Senate and go back to her old job: crack whore.
* Ted Kennedy will become even more incoherent and red-faced. He'll be captured by a circus and shown in a traveling freak show through the red states.
* That night, Senator Byrd will wet his sheets and have to find something else to wear the next day.
* All the posters to Democratic Underground will be so distraught that they can no longer hide from reality of how wacked-out they are. Many will collapse to the ground in epileptic fits while other will try to post but end up just pounding at their keyboards like monkeys. None will produce the greatest novel ever written.
* The U.N. will become so irrelevant that it will no longer take up space in its universe. The headquarters will fade from existence. A few New Yorkers will notice and stand there staring at the empty space. When someone bumps into one, he'll exclaim, "Hey! I'm wondering why there ain't a building over here, over here!"
* Demand for democracy will spread throughout the Middle East, causing people to rise up against the Saudi royal family. Hundred of Saudi princes will be slaughtered each day which will threaten to end the royal family within only a couple years.
* Members of MoveOn.org will spontaneously combust, burning many important upholstered chairs.
* The media will struggle harder and harder to come up with convoluted ways to say how poorly Bush is doing until just collapsing into mindless name-calling. Eventually the New York Times will headline "Bush Is a Stupid Chimp Face!" before disappearing forever.
* The terrorists in Iraq will be shot by the military... well, more so than usual.
* I'll do a happy dance, trip over my new kitten Sydney, suffering the 63rd concussion of my lifetime as my head hits the wall. Unfortunately, the lens cap will have been left on the video camera.
* Bush will hold a press conference and laugh that silly laugh of his.
Thus, it is imperative we make sure the Iraqi elections fail as so many people are counting on it to. The ones most actively working to thwart the elections are the
Remember what Smokey the Bear says: "Only you can prevent democracy from spreading."
January 25, 2005
Checking my old e-mails that built up over Christmas and my U-Haul adventure, I found that Glenn Reynolds had insulted me! Why is that every time someone slanders him, he has to bring up my name (sure, all slander about him could probably be implicitly traced back to me, but still)? I just want him to know that Wikipedia is run by a bunch of little trolls living under bridges who stay hunched over their keyboards deciding what knowledge should be shared with others (e.g., if someone wants to know why people call Glenn Reynolds the "puppy blender," Wikipedia is less than useless). Remember that weeklong debate after which they finally decided my blog was not worthy of an entry on their wackypedia? Bah. I still find a Google search more informative than using that silly attempt at an encyclopedia. Well, when my fame grows so large they have no choice but to add an entry about me, they better note on my Wikipedia entry that I spit on them and whatever they say about me.
OT, I always wondered what was the reason a rational, puppy-drinking person would link to Wonkette so much.
The Treachery of the Infidels Is Everywhere
An Editorial by Abu Musab al-Zarqawi
[Ed. Note: IMAO is often charged with being "one-sided" and "anti-terrorist," so, in the interest of fairness, I'm allowing Abu Musab al-Zarqawi to write a post uninterrupted on my blog to elucidate on what he said in his recent recording released on the internet.]
People of Iraq, I wish you to know that we have declared war on democracy and all those who seek to enact it. Democracy is based on the right to choose your religion which is against the rule of God and just plain wacky. The interim government is a tool used by the Americans to promote this lie that is called democracy. We must be wary of this plot and not accept oppression of the crusader harlots and the rejectionist pigs. Anyway, did you see what happened in Florida with their so-called democracy with all those people accidentally voting for Buchanan? Surely we do not want that in the holy land? Plus, Crossfire has been on a decline ever since Buchanan left.
"That goes against all the teachings of Islam. Plus, it went right in my @$#% eyes!"
The evil of the crusaders is not just in their democracy, though. The Great Satan comes in other forms, such as Taco Bell. There they give you a choice of what hot sauce, which is like having a choice of your holy book and is against all that is Islam. For instance, one day, I asked for mild sauce (the Koran) for my burrito (religion of Islam), but instead the crusader harlot gave me fire sauce (American evil). I did not notice this until I bit into my burrito, and, much like a corruption of Islam, it stung my tongue and was now inedible to me. Once, the crusader harlot didn't even ask me what sauce I wanted. I got home and had none for my burrito. Ever think of having Islam without the Koran? Such is a burrito without sauce on it. Plus, all those beans by themselves give you the toots. Even worse, I once found my bill from the so-called Bell of Taco much larger than I expected. It ends up that the imperialist American pigs charge you extra for every single item when you ask to have guacamole. I'm not really sure how that falls into the religion analogy, but surely this is a plot from the crusaders to take all that we have. Furthermore, that green goo doesn't look like it was ever anywhere near an avocado! For Allah's sake, they frick'n put the stuff on with a caulking gun!
Yes, the evil of the American crusaders is everywhere and encroaching on the good land of Iraq. It is a fight every day to stay from their corruption. The other day, I went into Sears to get more of those caps I like wearing, and an imperialist harlot crusader pig sprays me with a fragrance. This is much like how they wish to impose their religious beliefs upon us without our wanting - something that goes against all the teachings of Islam. Plus, it went right in my @$#% eyes! I don't care if it's from Calvin Klein! I can't see, you stupid @$#%! At least ask before you spray me, infidel!
And don't get me started on the dog next door! It's constantly barking and making nonsense noise, much like the infidel Americans, and I can't concentrate on my terror plots. What in the name of Allah is that stupid imperialist dog dog barking at anyway? And don't the owners care of the noise? I'd complain to them, but I'm trying to keep a low profile. When we drive the crusaders away from our lands, that dog is so dead!
So know, faithful followers of the prophet Mohammed, that the corruption of the crusader harlot imperialist dog monkeys with whipped cream and a cherry on top are everywhere and must be fought against. First, though, we must stop the American plot of democracy to corrupt our ways. Then, we will drive out the crusaders once and for all.
Oh! And did I tell you about the new propane barbecue I bought? It was only my second time using it, and the starter switch wouldn't light it. Praise Allah, I was smart enough to have a box of matches on me since I know those always break; why do they even bother with them? I don't know how all that goes against Islam, but can't you put two and two together yourselves sometimes? Use your imagination!
Abu Musab al-Zarqawi is a syndicated terrorist, contributor to the Reuters news service, and frequently posts on Democratic Underground under the name catmandu57. He is also the author of such books as "If You Are Reading This, You Are an Infidel and Must Die!" and "The Beanie Baby Rainy Day Activity Fun Book".
January 24, 2005
Must Destroy IowaHawk
If you want some funny, head over to IowaHawk for this hilarious parody of an obnoxiously stupid Washington Post article.
On second though, do not go anywhere else for funny. Just keep reloading this page until something new appears.
(Hat tip: LGF)
Whatever Happened to Baby Roe?
Does anyone know what happened to baby Roe? Norma McCorvey did give birth, of course, as slow as the judicial process takes, and I believe the girl was given up for an adoption. Did anyone ever track her down? Does she know that Roe v. Wade was all about how she should be dead. If she knows that, how does that affect her psyche?
Reader Michael sent in this interesting article that descibes from the horse's mouth (former abortionists) how abortion was marketed (they knowingly used made up hugely inflated statistics) and the money angle of abortion which is hardly ever talked about. It has a number of stories worth reading, including one from an abortionist who was looking to adopt while throwing 9 to 10 babies a week in the garbage.
And are saline abortions still commonly done? Those sound horrible.
Anyhoo, for those not interested, I'll be back to the funny tomorrow morning as usual.
Yay! I Wasn't Aborted! Day
The 32nd anniversary of Roe v. Wade was over the weekend (Michelle Malkin has lots of links and links to links), and I'd thought I'd add some perspective from someone born in '79 (the "Coulda Easily Been Aborted Generation").
Now, I usually avoid the abortion topic as I don't like my blog being the place for serious debate, but I'm going to ask for it today. Only thing, I don't want any mention of the morality or what not of abortion and abortion law, I just want opinions on the actual decision upon which most of the controversy converges.
Now, I have not read many Supreme Court decision in my day, but I did take a Constitutional Law class and did my final paper on Roe v. Wade. Basically, I ripped it apart for nine pages (which was much like shooting fish in a barrel).
Hells yeah, I got an A.
To sum it up, it's crap. It's a decision just pulled completely out of Blackmun's ass (where are trimesters in the Constitution?). I know there's been this silly controversy of Justice Thomas writing poorly thought out decisions, but nothing could be this bad. My best guess is that Blackmun said to himself, "The issue of abortion is very controversial, but I, myself, in my great wisdom, shall solve this national crisis by pulling law out of my ass!" Of course, his attempt to end the debate by fiat just inflamed things, but, eh, that's just all water and blood under the bridge now.
Well, everyone give it a read (I think it's a little longer than the Constitution - which it incidentally makes a few grudging references to), and write your own opinion in the comments. Remember, you don't have to be against legalized abortion to recognize shoddy judicial decisions, but, if you really think I'm wrong, please educate me.
And, again, stick to law and no moralizing from either side.
In SchrŲdingerís cat theory, if you put a live cat in a lead box, throw a capsule of cyanide in and immediately seal the box, since you don't know if the capsule has broken or not, quantum physics dictates that the cat is both dead and alive until you open the box and force the cat into one condition by observing him. Well, I just put a real cat in a lead box and threw in one of my spare cyanide capsules before sealing it up. Let's see how the cat is doing...
He's dead! You killed him by observing him, you bastard!
In My World: I'm President Again!
Bush dialed a number at the phone at his desk in the Oval Office. "Guess who's still President! ...That's right: me, bitch! ...Yes, I do have to call you 'bitch,' you dumb frog... What do you mean I should foster better diplomatic relations with you? What the hell do I need France for? I have Colorado for dumping nuclear waste in. Well, I guess I can use for dumping old bombs. Anyhoo, tell your terrorists friends I'm coming for them soon."
Bush dialed another number. "Geuntetag and gesundheit, guess who's president again, you stupid kraut... That's right! Now say my name! ...Say it! ...Put more emphasis on the 'dubya.' ...Yeah, that's my name, and you better get used to it because it's going to be around for another four, mo'fo'."
Bush hung up and dialed another number. "Hey, you don't sound like Arafat... He's dead? Probably died because he heard I'm president again. Yeah, that's right! So who is this? ...Well, Abbas, better watch what you do 'cause I'm president again!"
Bush hung up and kicked over his desk. "Time for more action!"
Scott McClellan ran up to him. "Iím about to hold a press conference, and I was wondering..."
"I'll handle this one," Bush announced.
"I don't know if that's wise."
Bush backhanded Scott to the ground. "Shut up. I'm president again!"
Bush walked out to greet the press.
"What is your reaction to how, during the confirmation hearings, Condoleezza Rice pulled out a Tec 9 and..."
"Shut up!" Bush yelled, "I'm president again! Now I ask the questions!" He thought for a moment. "Nah... that would mean you people would still talk. How about I just say stuff and you listen. First off: I'm president again! I don't have to worry about reelection, so I can do anything I wan'!"
"But..." one reporter began to say.
"Hey, I wonder if any of you reporters can catch this paperweight with your head." Bush threw a heavy paperweight at the reporters, smacking one in the head and sending him to the ground. "Guess the CBS correspondent wins. Heh heh."
"I think you gave him a concussion!"
"I know I did!" Bush declared, "'cause I'm the president again! Now listen up, dumbasses: It's time for me to put my unaccountability to good use. After I feel I'm done with Iraq, I'm going to start attacking other countries. 'cept now, I ain't even going to tell you people why. I don't have to justify myself; I'm president again! As for domestic, I'm giving all the tax cuts to the rich... the really really rich! No one can stop me... 'cause I'm president again! And I'm going to change Social Security... even if I have to throw all the old people out onto the streets. Even the Democrats canít whine their way out of that one... 'cause I'm president again! Then I'm going to do targeted missile strikes on people in Hollywood and college professor's I don't like. Some may call that suppressing freedom of speech, to which I say, 'I'm president again!' Oh, and I'm going to have protestors forcefully bathed."
"You're insane!" a reporter shouted.
Bush kicked him in the face. "Damn straight, so best stay outta my way! Yee-haw!"
A car sped into the crowd of reporters, hitting a few. The door opened to show the soon to be Attorney General.
"What's up, Speedy Gonzales?" Bush asked.
"I told you not to call me that!" Alberto shouted back, "Anyway, I saw some people standing around looking suspicious, so I thought we might go violate their rights."
"Sounds fun," Bush answered, "You have your sombrero?"
"I keep telling you I don't wear one, you stupid gringo!"
"Do you have your piŮata bat at least?"
"Of course! Do you think I'm loco?"
Bush jumped in the passenger side of the car and put on some sunglasses. "Let's roll!"
January 23, 2005
The Gate Has Been Closed
...But the clean up remains.
You now have to enter a code to post a comment. Hopefully this will stop the hundreds of new comment spam I get each day, but I still have tens of thousands of old comment spam to clean up. MT-Blacklist can't search back far enough in the comments to get it all, so I'll have to use other methods. Then IMAO will be sparkly clean and fun for the whole family (except grandma and grandpa).
January 21, 2005
John Hawkins ranks his favorite blogs, and, for the first time, he doesn't exclude me on the basis that he sometimes uses my material (with permission).
That reminds me I've forgotten to do some linking while I've been sick. Check out Hawkins mini interview with Dick Morris. Morris is very astute (though often wrong).
Know Thy Enemy: Social Security
I may still be sick, but it's my day-off, dammit, and I want to enjoy it by getting an oil change for my car. That didn't stop me from tasking my crack research team from finding out all they can about Social Security.
FUN FACTS ABOUT SOCIAL SECURITY
* FDR created Social Security in an attempt to destroy America. After Pearl Harbor, though, he found it was more popular to try and save America.
* FDR celebrated creating Social Security by having a smoke.
* He did not celebrate it by having a brisk jog.
* If he did jog, he would have been easily winded from the smoke.
* Social Security is founded on the principle, that, because some people won't save for retirement, all must be punished.
* The deduction from each paycheck for Social Security is listed as FICA or Med or some such crap. The reason they don't call the deduction "Money we're stealing for the so-called Social Security" is because that would be too long.
* That's the same reason they don't call the deduction "black hole from whence you'll never ever see your money again."
* If instead of the government taking the money you were allowed to take it and shove it up your ass, you'd get a better return on the money and not be quite as pissed off.
* I'm all faklempt. Social Security is neither social nor secure. Talk amongst yourselves.
* If you refuse to give the government your money and invest it for your own retirement, the government will send police to your home to shoot you... but it's for your own good.
* Social Security is often called the third rail of politics because to mention reforming it will cause the Democrats to lie that Republicans want to throw old people out on the street. Republicans really do want to throw old people out on the street, but the Democrats don't know that so they are lying.
* Old people are a solid voting block because they have absolutely nothing better to do. Hell, voting is the highlight of their year. Maybe if you just visited you parents or grandparents more at the retirement home, they wouldn't be so quick to vote to steal your money.
* Bush wants to make private accounts where some of your money would be privately invested and thus ensure you get it (if you live long enough). Democrats are against this because they haven't figured out a way to say "private accounts" such that it will scare old people.
* Right now they're putting a strong emphasis on the second syllable of "private," but it's still not that scary.
* In a fight between Social Security and Aquaman, Aquaman would die of a jellyfish sting way before he is old enough to receive payments.
* If you think Social Security is sneaking up behind you, quickly turn around and empty your gun in its direction and then throw your gun at it. It's going to steal all your money!
* If you are currently collecting Social Security, make sure the payment is correct, and, if not, go to the Social Security office and complain until you get every last red cent. It's not like you have anything better to do that make sure you steal all my money, you old geezer!
* IMAO would like to retract that last bullet point. We appreciate every old geezer who reads us.
January 20, 2005
Must... Destroy... Spam...
I'm trying to use this codeword solution to stop spam, but I can't figure out how to use it. I try to open the main tar.tar, and WinZip errors saying it can't read the header. I really need some help here before my site becomes nothing but spam.
Once the influx of spam is ended, then come the great clean up...
UPDATE: Turning .tar.tar to .tar.gz allowed me to open it. I'll try installing it tomorrow.
What is the best way to cure the flu?
Fixing your blog's archive problem, adding a Fun Trivia category, writing a new Fun Trivia, drinking some grapefruit juice, and going to bed.
...or so I hope.
The Hate-Filled Lefty Goes to Bush's Inauguration
Still sick, but since I'm up for a few minutes, thought I'd post this comic I drew last night. If the quality isn't as good as usual, it's 'cause I'm sick, yo.
January 19, 2005
I'm Sick, Dawg
Had a post almost done for today, but ended up staying home because of a cold. Anyhoo, you go to SarahK's site for her dumbiversary. Was supposed to be her blogiversary, but she realized this morning it was actually two days ago. She'll have her big post after work, but she better tend to me first since I'm sick.
Now I'm gonna try and get some more rest if the cats will stop making so much noise. Why don't you guys do headlines in the comments to entertain yourselves.
January 18, 2005
What Do You Think We Want?
What do men want? Why in the world would anyone ask that question? That's like asking what do dogs want.
"Do you want a treat? Do you want a treat? Of course you do!"
No need to make the simple complex. Of course, what we want, what we get, and what we need are often separate things.
T.V. for the Red States
Anyone been watching the latest season of 24? Luckily a friend recorded the first four episodes onto DVD for me and SarahK (we were on the road, then), and I just saw the fifth one last night (in HD with 5.1 - oh yeah!). A new character this season is Secretary of Defense Heller. In the first episode, when his hippy son rants about the military industrial complex, he retorts, "I've had enough of your sixth-grade, Michael Moore logic." Later, after he and his daughter have been captured by terrorists (Muslim terrorists, like in real life), he tries his own escape by strangling one terrorist (remind you of anyone?) and shooting two others (apparently he knows his firearms as he stops to check the chamber of an AK-47 upon obtaining it). After being captured again, he tries to sacrifice himself to keep America from being humiliated by an internet broadcast of a sham crimes against humanity trial.
Well, hope he survives. Cool start to the season and still nineteen hours left to go.
With is the circumference of the Sun?
No one knows. Any tape measure would burn up on its surface, and, even if you were trying to like guesstimate it, it hurts to look at.
Most people think it's pretty big, though.
The Crusades: Time for a Rematch
An Editorial by Frank J.
It seems that the terrorists are always complaining about the "Crusaders" and meaning us, the Americans. Now, I don't know much about the Crusades other than that it involved Kevin Costner and Morgan Freeman, but I did some research (i.e., used Google), and apparently the Muslims actually won the Crusades - or, in the least, the Americans did not win it. I'm not sure how that happened, but apparently pansy-ass Europeans led the fight which is certainly a recipe for failure. Again, I don't know why that was; maybe the Crusades happened during the Carter administration. Anyway, my point is that this is confusing to me, because you'd think the terrorists, instead of constantly whining about "crusaders," would be like, "Hey, infidels, remember when we made you our bitch in the Crusades?"
"Worship Jesus, bringer of love and peace to this world, or I'll gut you and your family!"
Now, I donít remember much about the Crusades, as it was obviously before my time, but I think our honor is at stake. Thus, we should demand a rematch with those terrorist bastards - and this time America will lead the charge as should have happened before. So, we'll march through the Middle East converting everyone we encounter to Christianity or killing them. Every American should be allowed to join in, even if you're Jewish or atheist, but you still have to forcefully convert the heathens to Christianity or have them meet your sword (well, M-16). When I forcefully convert people, I love the line, "Worship Jesus, bringer of love and peace to this world, or I'll gut you and your family!" because it has that nice bit of irony to it.
Of course, the main goal is to get to the holy land and, just like with the moon, plant our flag there and declare it the property of America and America alone. Of course, there are some tough Jews near there, but I'm sure they'll rent the area to us at reasonable prices. Along the way to the holy land, we should make a stop at Mecca where it is believe the terrorist mastermind Allah is hiding out. He's always the one cited as instigating terrorist acts though never carrying them out himself. If I know people like Allah, he's really a coward and will surrender without a shot. Then, we can make him sign a document declaring that "Jesus is superfly!" which will really disenchant Allah's followers. It is also important we capture his second in command, Mohammed (a.k.a. "The Prophet"). This will be hard since all images of him have his face covered and half the people in the Middle East are named Mohammed for some reason, but it's important to get done.
Now, once we have planted our flag in the holy land and captured Allah and Mohammed along the way while leaving a wake of blood and new Christians, we can say, "Yeah, now who's won the Crusades, bitch!" And all the leftover terrorists will sulk off, because the holy land will let us easily kill them with laser beams from our eyes (I think; I'll have to look again for that verse in the Bible). If any complain, hey, they were the ones who kept bringing it up and rubbing salt in our wounds. But now America will have regained its honor by successfully completely the Crusades unlike the previous attempt. I'm not sure what the next step would be, but I hope it involves loud music and beer.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as "The Complete Works of Shakespeare - Now with Aerodynamic Holes to Make it Easier to Beat Your Kids With" and "The Five Monkeys You'll Meet in Hell".
January 17, 2005
I Save All the Fs for Myself
Graumagus of Frizzen Sparks has noticed some blog bigotry on my part... or has too much time on his hands.
OT, here are pictures of SarahK's cat, Minerva, and my kitten, Sydney, fighting. I think Sydney looks badass in these photos. Minerva may have the weight advantage, but you have speed on your side. Go, Sydney!
My New Kitten Acts with More Purpose
The Archbishop of Iraq has been kidnapped. In one simple move the terrorists have now pissed off one billion Catholics (well, I was already pissed-off at them). Yeah, good going.
Do these people even have a strategy? Or does their language lack a word for that?
Guess this is yet another job for prayers and Special Forces.
The Importance of Being Frank
Had my second ever run in with the law on the way back from a dinner in which I introduced SarahK to my friends. An officer pulled me over, and here is the transcript:
OFFICER: Do you know why I pulled you over?
(NOTE: Only the officer's dialogue was real. I think he gave me a break because I was so sincere/clueless. Also, I had a cute passenger.)
A new problem suddenly surfaced (or I finally noticed it) as I first started posting this new year. If a page on my blog is long, it doesn't get posted in its entirety. Check out my archives (such as my In My World™) to see what I'm talking about. It just cuts off at a near random point and the right side bar isn't made. I don't know what has changed to make this problem occur, but, for the time being, I've had to severely limit the number of posts shown on the front page to ensure my right sidebar appears.
Anyone know anything of this problem? I'm thinking of upgrading MoveableType to try and fix it (I need all of my In My Worlds™ easily accessible to work on my book), but the newer versions now cost money ($100 bucks for unlimited authors). Anyone pay for the new MT and know if it's worth it?
In My World: The New Guys
"Here's your new sister, Miss Beazley," Laura Bush said as she set down the puppy in front of Barney.
"Yipe! Yipe!" Barney yelled angrily at the Scotty dog pup.
"Yip! Yip!" Miss Beazley responded fiercely.
"Yipe! Yipe!" Barney snarled, moving closer.
"Yip! Yip!" Miss Beazley barked, holding her ground.
"Will you two shut up!" President Bush yelled, throwing down the comic section of the newspaper. "You sound like the U.N. Next thing I know, you'll be barking about how the Jews control everything."
"They'll take some time to get used to each other," Laura said.
"Just lock them in a closet," Bush stated, "I have important things to get done."
"That's bad parenting."
"Worked on the girls."
"They're in a cross-country shooting spree with the feds after numerous bank robberies!" Laura shouted.
"And they haven't been caught yet," Bush said as he picked back up the paper. "Hey, you read about these people theorizing that Abraham Lincoln was gay? You know, once when the ghost of Lincoln turned into a fiery demon and chased me down one of the White House hallways, he stopped for a moment to comment on the drapes."
"You and the ghost of Lincoln get along as I take the dogs for a walk," Laura stated as she led out the dogs.
Bush's paper flew out of his hands. "Stop stealing my paper, Lincoln!" Bush shouted.
"I also hid your remote!" answered an unearthly voice, "Muh ha ha ha!"
"Dang. Better just get to work." Bush walked out and soon spotted Scott McClellan. "My inauguration is coming up really soon," Bush told him, "and I want to make sure my second term is the best in the history of the universe. Thus, I want my new cabinet prepared. Now, one thing I'm concerned about is if the terrorists find the location of our Hidden Valley. If they attack that, it could cut off our critical ranch dressing supplies. Pass that on to the soon to be Secretary of Homeland Security Bernard Kerik."
"Uh... he withdrew because of scandals."
"Then pass it on to whomever we're filling that post with."
"For one thing," Scott said, "I'm your Press Secretary, not your personal aide. Second..."
"And get me a soda, bitch!" Bush shouted and slapped Scott across the back of his head.
Scott scurried off and Bush then found Condoleezza Rice and Colin Powell together. "Good. Colin, I need you to teach Condi everything you know about Secretary of State."
Powell was silenced by a sharp punch, knocking him to the floor. "I already have all the knowledge I need. Hearing him talk will only make me dumber."
"Good," Bush said, "That will save time."
"I wanted Secretary of Defense, though!" Condi shouted.
"But Rummy is doing a good job," Bush answered, "and... well... I'd be too scared to fire him. But, if he leaves the job for some reason..."
"Or an accident befalls him," Condi added, grinning evilly.
"Yeah, or if that, then Secretary of Defense is yours."
"Muh ha ha ha!" Condi laughed.
"Good to see you've gotten your humor back," Bush smiled. He then turned to Alberto Gonzales. "Now, I want you to go talk to little Johnny Ashcroft to learn everything he knows. No wearing a sombrero while being Attorney General or calling everyone 'stupid gringos' which I know you'll want to do since you're Mexican."
"I'm American, sir."
"That's the spirit," Bush said, slapping Alberto on the back, "Also, the cafeteria serves burritos, so it will seem like you're right at home." Bush then walked off.
"Stupid gringo," Alberto muttered.
* * * *
"Well, golly gosh, muchacho" John Ashcroft said, "let me think of all the things to tell you." He pointed to a room off to the side that had a pad of paper and pen hanging on the wall and crumpled paper on the ground. "This is where we start the day. You write a human right on a piece of paper and then throw it on the ground and trample it. It's to get you in spirit for the rest of the day, by golly."
"Whatever, churchy," Alberto responded, "What else is there?"
"Jeepers, let me think." Ashcroft then pointed to a room where people were busy typing. "Here is where we make new bills such as the Patriot Act, the I Love America Act, the Only People Who Hate Baby Jesus Would Be Against this Act Act, and the Happy Act."
"Happy Act? I haven't heard of that one."
"Well, jeepers, it's a new one," Ashcroft said, "It allows us to lock in prison without a trial anyone who questions the act."
"Why? What's in the act that people would question?"
"Actually, by golly, the only thing in the act is the provision to lock up people who question it. It's to weed out those who just criticize everything we do."
"Sounds good. Now let's get to the cool stuff."
"Jeepers, slow down there, my Hispanic colleague," Ashcroft said, "There's a lot to the rest of our operations. Now, we threw a number of suspects in dank holes without a trial - or paperwork - and I forgot where those holes are. So, you might want to try finding some when you start your job. Just listen for, 'Help! Help! I'm being repressed!' and mark down the location."
"I'll have some secretary do that," Alberto responded, "I ain't looking for holes all day. There's no one in them I care about."
"That's the spirit," Ashcroft declared, "Now, these rooms over here are where we torture suspected terrorists to get information or because it's a slow day and we're bored. Now, first you take a car battery and..."
"I know how to hook up a car battery to a man," Alberto shouted, "Do you think I'm stupid because I'm Hispanic?"
"Well, yes, yes I do. Have I been speaking too quickly for you?"
"Just finish showing me this place before I decide to smack you around," Alberto answered angrily.
"Golly. Okay. I guess I better introduce you to Psycho Stan, head of the ATF. He's a hold over from Reno."
"Just point me in a direction and people will die and buildings will burn!" Psycho Stan snarled, looking on the verge of snapping.
"Best to be careful how you use him," Ashcroft said, "as he tends to not leave people in a condition good for questioning, by golly. You should keep him busy, though, or he'll get bored and just start randomly shooting stuff."
"I ain't killing no one right now!" Psycho Stan declared angrily.
"Jeepers. Just wait a moment." Ashcroft then picked up a sack, "Here is our mailbag, Mr. Mexican Man. It's usually full of letters that say mean things about me and hurt my feelings, golly gosh." Ashcroft took out a letter and read it aloud. "'Dear Ashcroft, you are a stupid fundamentalist who tramples people's rights. You should lose your job and go to prison.'" A tear rolled down Ashcroftís cheek. "That was hurtful." He handed the letter to Psycho Stan. "Find who wrote this and throw him in a dark hole where he'll never be found." Ashcroft then looked in the mailbag again. "Hey, here's a letter for you, Gonzales."
Alberto took the letter. "'Gonzales, how you allowed torture in Guantanamo Bay is criminal. You should never be Attorney General.'" Alberto handed the letter to Psycho Stan. "Find this stupid gringo and send him to Gitmo for torture."
"I'll burn his house down, too," Psycho Stan snarled before running off.
"Now let's get you a burrito since you're Mexican," Ashcroft said as he led Alberto to the cafeteria.
"There better be good salsa... or I'm gonna cut someone!"
* * * *
The doorbell rang at Rumsfeld's house. Chomps barked fiercely. The doorbell made him angry.
"Let's go see what it is, boy," Rumsfeld said as he set down the gun he was cleaning. When he opened the door, all he saw was a bottle of whiskey on his doorstep. Chomps barked at it.
"It's just whiskey," Rumsfeld said as he picked it up, "Whiskey never hurt anyone."
In the shadows, Condi watched and smiled. "Yes, drink the whiskey, you old fool," she whispered.
Rumsfeld opened the bottle and took a sip. "Tastes like it was laced with cyanide," he commented. He then drank the entire bottle. "Yep, definitely cyanide. Not as much as I usually like to spike my whiskey with, but it's the thought that counts." He then tossed out the bottle and reentered his house along with Chomps.
"Dammit!" Condi exclaimed, "Now I guess I'll have to learn that stupid 'diplomacy' crap!"
January 14, 2005
I'm Only Addicted to Love... and Booze
La Shawn Barber wants bloggers to answer some questions for her, and you have to do what La Shawn Barber says, so here I go:
1) How long have you been blogging?
2) Do you believe youíre addicted to blogging? Please explain, and be honest. It is habit-forming, I must confess. (If I decide to use your response, I may have follow-up questions.)
3) Have you ever taken a hiatus? If so, for what reason and how long?
4) Have you ever thought of giving up your blog? Why or why not?
The Great Move of 2005 - Part I
SarahK relates the start of the most traumatic experience of my life - the five day, 1,700 mile drive of a 24-foot U-Haul towing an SUV from Amarillo, TX, to Melbourne, FL, with a peeved cat in the cab.
As a teaser, the story contains the phrase "so I joined him in the U-Haul's men's bathroom..."
Mercenaries Pilot - Act III
* * * *
So here is Act III - the thrilling conclusion - to my sitcom pilot that never was. Man, and I had great ideas for other episodes; maybe I could just write some short stories.
Anyway, most of the contribution of SarahK and RightWingDuck were in the form of proofreading, but the over-the-top nicknames Doug uses for Charlene was SarahK's suggestion (originally he just called her "honey" and "dear"). I forget what I used from RWD, but he can add what he wants in the comments.
Anyhoo, comments on the script in toto is greatly appreciated. Without further ado, Act III:
RIDING IN TRUCK Ė LATER
BRYCE, LULU, DOUG, AND CHARLENE ARE RIDING IN AN OPEN AIR TRUCK. BRYCE IS DRIVING WITH LULU IN THE PASSENGER SEAT. DOUG AND CHARLENE (NOW IN CIVILIAN CLOTHES) SIT IN THE BED WHICH IS FILLED WITH BAGS LABELED ďGOAT FEED.Ē
CHARLENE SMACKS DOUG ACROSS THE BACK OF HIS HEAD.
DOUG LOOKS AT CHARLENE AND SHUDDERS.
THE TRUCK COMES TO STOP AT A CHECKPOINT WITH A MALE AND FEMALE GUARD.
CHARLENE SMACKS DOUG ACROSS THE BACK OF HIS HEAD.
CHARLENE MAKES A PUNCHING MOTION.
LULU GRABS THE RIFLE FROM THE FEMALE GUARDíS HANDS AND HITS HER IN THE HEAD WITH ITS BUTT. SHE THEN TOSSES THE RIFLE IN THE BACK OF THE TRUCK.
EXT. WAREHOUSE Ė LATER
BRYCE, DOUG, CHARLENE, AND LULU STAND NEAR THEIR TRUCK WHICH IS PARKED NEXT TO A WAREHOUSE.
TWO MEN WALK UP.
THE TWO MEN TAKE THE CARGO FROM THE TRUCKíS SECRET COMPARTMENT.
THE TWO MEN WALK OFF AND THEN ALARMS START SOUNDING.
CHARLENE JUMPS IN THE BACK OF THE TRUCK WITH RIFLE IN HAND. LULU GETS BACK IN THE PASSENGER SEAT, ALSO HOLDING A RIFLE.
BRYCE TOSSES DOUG A GUN.
EXT. FIELD Ė LATER
DOUG, BRYCE, LULU, AND CHARLENE STAND NEXT TO THE TRUCK WHICH IS NOW COVERED IN BULLET HOLES.
CHARLENE WRAPS GAUZE AROUND DOUGíS ARM.
BRYCE LOOKS TO CHARLENE.
UNSEEN BY ANY OF THEM, A LIGHT FAR IN THE BACKGROUND FLIES UP INTO THE AIR.
DOUG HOLDS CHARLENE CLOSE.
DOUG AND CHARLENE LEAN IN TO KISS EACH OTHER, BUT THEN ARE LIT UP FROM THE DIRECTION OF THE MOON.
THEY ALL START RUNNING.
INT. GUSíS DINER Ė LATER
DOUG, CHARLENE, BRYCE, AND LULU SIT AT A BOOTH IN THE DINER, DOUG AND CHARLENE SITTING TOGETHER ON ONE SIDE AND BRYCE AND LULU AT THE OTHER. BRYCE IS BUSY WORKING ON A LAPTOP.
GUS WALKS OVER.
GUS WALKS OFF.
BRUCE TURNS HIS COMPUTER AROUND SO THAT THE OTHERS CAN SEE.
CHARLENE GLARES AT DOUG.
CHARLENE SMILES AND KISSES DOUG ON THE CHEEK. BRYCE TURNS THE COMPUTER BACK AROUND AND BEGINS TYPING AT IT AGAIN.
LULU MAKES A WHIPPING SOUND.
BRYCE CLOSES HIS LAPTOP.
LULU JUMPS UP ON THE TABLE.
LULU SCREAMS IN TRIUMPH AND THEN JUMPS OFF THE TABLE AND RUNS AWAY WHILE CONTINUING TO SCREAM. EVERYONE LOOK IN THE DIRECTION SHE RAN OFF IN ASTONISHMENT. GUS WALKS OVER, LOOKING IN THE SAME DIRECTION.
Blog Myths and Facts
As the mainstream media give more attention to blogs and more Americans hear about them for the first time, there are many myths about blogging being spread (many by the MSM itself). As a service to the public (and IMAO exists solely to the benefit of the public), I will now list those myths and the real facts about blogging.
BLOG MYTHS AND FACTS
MYTH: A blog is the mixture of hair and unidentifiable gunk that clogs up a drain.
MYTH: Bloggers are partisan hacks.
MYTH: Bloggers are just a bunch of ill-informed polemicists writing in their pajamas.
MYTH: Bloggers are a bunch of ankle-biters to the mainstream media.
MYTH: Most bloggers are paid off by politicians to assert certain viewpoints.
MYTH: Bloggers just criticize the media and have no new information to add.
MYTH: Bloggers are no threat to the mainstream media.
MYTH: People only blog for the money and the babes.
MYTH: Bloggers like to drink smoothies made from putting puppies in blenders.
MYTH: Many men blog to compensate for their small penises.
MYTH: The Daily Kos is written by ten monkeys fighting over one keyboard.
MYTH: The most popular blog is Instapundit.
MYTH: Democratic Underground is a popular blog.
MYTH: Blogging was predicted by Nostradamus as a precursor to the end of the world.
January 13, 2005
Mercenaries Pilot - Act II
* * * *
I kinda thought the first scene to Act I was a little slow and spent a while cutting that one. To me, the interest in the characters really builds in the diner scene (Act I, Scene B).
Now, I think this is my favorite act of the three. It even has a joke just for jonag (well, I put it in because I thought it was funny, but she should appreciate it the most). Also, I give more for Lulu to do who I think ends up being a scene stealer. Act III, though, has most of the action and lesbians. Well, I'll post Act III tomorrow and you can decide for yourselves which part is best.
Anyhoo, kinda glad I didn't win the contest; would have had to move to L.A. (no offense, Silly Sister Sarah).
And on to Act II:
INT. SHOP Ė LATER
BRYCE, DOUG, AND LULU ENTER A SMALL SHOP CONSISTING OF A POSTCARD STAND AND A CASHIERíS DESK BEHIND WHICH BUCK STARES AT THE THREE MENACINGLY.
DOUG PULLS LULU ALONG AS THEY ENTER A BACKROOM FILLED WITH RACKS OF GUNS.
DOUG HOLDS UP TWO HANDGUNS.
BUCK TAKES A HANDGUN OFF A RACK.
BRYCE INSPECTS THE GUNíS PRICE TAG.
LULU HOLDS UP A RIFLE.
EXT. OPEN FIELD Ė NIGHT
BRYCE, DOUG, AND LULU ARE STANDING AROUND IN AN OPEN, SPARSELY LIT, FIELD.
CHARLENE WALKS UP TO THEM DRESSED IN BLACK AND CARRYING A SNIPER RIFLE.
CHARLENE WALKS OFF.
TAKES OUT A CIGARETTE AND PUTS IN HIS MOUTH.
THE CIGARETTE FLIES OUT OF HIS MOUTH AT THE SOUND OF A GUNSHOT.
THE CUSTOMER WALKS TOWARDS THEM WITH TWO GUARDS BACKING HIM.
THE CUSTOMER LOOKS THE GROUP OVER AND THEN FOCUSES ON DOUG.
BRYCE CASUALLY TOUCHES HIS NOSE, AND LULU FROWNS.
BRYCE BRUSHES HIS HAND THROUGH HIS HAIR.
LULU PULLS OUT HER GUN AND STARTS SHOOTING WILDLY. EVERYONE JUST STARES AT HER.
There's Something About Harry
Decided I should get back to doing a topical humor piece (otherwise I'd do "Know Thy Enemy: Self Moves"). Having trouble getting my groove back with the current news, though. I could do a "Know Thy Enemy: Tsunamis," but I realized one of the fun facts would be, "Since so many people died from the tsunami, you shouldn't make jokes about tsunamis." Too bad; an Aquaman vs. a Tsunami fight would be pretty interesting. For other topics, there's the Social Security issues, but that's just the same old rhetoric that's been flying back and forth since FDR. There's the hearing about Alberto Gonzales and torture, but I got lost on what was said and of what importance any of it is. There was how Barbara Boxer delayed the certification of Bush's reelection by two hours, but that hardly seemed worth mentioning. Finally, there is the continuing trouble in Iraq, but that's not funny.
So there is only one thing left: the issue of Prince Harry wearing a Nazi uniform.
Now, most would say that anything involving the royal family is, by definition, unimportant, but I think this is worth mentioning because of the issues involved. First, I would like to congratulate CNN for including this paragraph:
The Nazis murdered 6 million Jews and millions of others including Poles, homosexuals, Soviet prisoners and Gypsies. Millions more were imprisoned or forced to work as slaves.
Now anyone who reads the article and never heard of the Nazis knows that they're bad. Not patronizing at all. Kudos.
Anyhoo, here are the pertinent points to this story:
* The Nazis are bad.
* Dressing up as the Nazis is bad because it makes you look like a Nazi who is bad and might make people think you support the Nazis which would make you bad.
* It would be funny if Prince Harry had long hair and a beard so we could all jokingly call him Prince "Hairy."
* Actually, it would be funnier if his name was Larry, because, with his name being Harry, no one would know when you're jokingly calling him "Prince Hairy."
* I still haven't finished my first cup of coffee this morning and already lost my place.
Anyway, I think the suggestion of sending Prince Harry to Auschwitz is too harsh. In such a forced labor camp, he would most likely die. Instead, I think he should brought out to the public square where, in front of everyone, the queen smacks him in the back of his head with her royal scepter while loudly proclaiming him a "dumbass."
Now, why was Prince Harry dressed as a Nazi? Apparently he was at the birthday part for a friend Harry Meade (Harrys have to stick together) and it seemed logical to come as a Nazi. Now, if my mead was ever hairy, I'd say, "Bring me new mead, or I shall cut thee down!" That is so more elegant than "I'll blow your @$%& brains out!" I wish I were in medieval times.
No, wait; they didn't have HDTV back then. I don't think they had blogs back then either, but, if they did, it would just be the Glenn Reynolds quoting scripture and commenting "Forsooth." Also, he'd be much angrier having to churn his puppies instead of blend them.
I'm getting more coffee.
January 12, 2005
Links of the Day
As I said before, bloggers are the coolest people, so it makes sense that blogger Michelle Malkin is the nicest pundit I know. Some of the letters she gets are not so nice, though.
I hadn't heard of the Armstrong Williams controversy until I read RWD's post on my blog. Michelle has a column on how that controversy will hurt minority conservative pundits. She includes some hate mail to show what she is already subjected to, and has on her blog even more uncensored hate mail (Warning: Contians profanity - hence the "uncensored").
BTW, I started reading her book In Defense of Internment on the plane ride to Amarillo and got through the first few chapters. It's certainly a new veiwpoint with lots of historical information I had never heard of.
Whitler describes having to edit the Michael Moore interview on the show he works for, how skilled editing can control what someone perceives, and why the minortity of conservative actors are the ones who hold public office while left-wingers never even run. Also, he has the time of the Michael Moore appearance so you can set your Tivos. Whitler smart. You read.
John Hawkins has gotten an interview with the great mind Victor Davis Hanson for a second time. I really should try to do some more interviews in the future.
Iowahawk teases with comic genius as he tells the noir tale of Inspector Dan Rather searching for the truth.
"My name is Rather. And I'm a dick."
Anyhoo, since people seemed to like it, I'll put up Act II of my pilot for Mercenaries tomorrow. Also, I'll try to catch up with things have something topical to post as well. Later, y'all.
Mercenaries Pilot - Act I
A while back I heard of this contest to write a situation comedy (i.e., sitcom) and be part of a reality show where it is produced. I got some advice on sitcom writing from Bill Whittle (go buy his book - post haste!) and had my drafts looked over by SarahK and RightWingDuck who offered proofreading and some suggestions. I spent hours cutting it down to the size of a half-hour sitcom and doing the proper formatting for a script and then mailed in what I thought was a hilarious entry.
I didn't even receive a rejection letter.
Since it's safe to say I didn't win, I'll put the script up here as I think it's funny and there are a few in jokes for my readers. Basically, the story is about four twenty-something characters who become mercenaries in a post-apocalyptic future dominated by two warring factions - the Imperialist United Republic (IUR) and the United Republic of Imperialists (URI). My pitch was, "It's like Friends... but with guns!"
Yeah, I tried to think of a normal office comedy, but it just wasn't in me. Even tried the idea of a family comedy about ex-mobsters ("You know the wacky neighbors? I whacked them!"), but it didn't come together.
Anyhoo, without further ado, here is Act I (it's three acts as standard for a half-hour show) from the script to my pilot of Mercenaries - with all those hours of formatting undone so it fits as a blog post:
A GENERAL AND COLONEL STAND IN THEIR COMMAND ROOM LOOKING AT COMPUTERS.
DOUG WALKS UP TO THE TWO HOLDING A ďDEMOLITION FOR DUMMIESĒ MANUAL.
THE GENERAL AND COLONEL LEAVE THE ROOM. DOUG THEN TAKES OUT A CELL PHONE.
EXT. BUILDING Ė DUSK
DOUG IS IN FULL CONCENTRATION AS HE FIDDLES WITH SOME WIRE ON A CONTRAPTION ON THE SIDE OF THE BUILDING, MAKING QUICK GLANCES TO A MANUAL SITTING NEXT TO HIM. UNNOTICED, BRYCE WALKS UP BEHIND HIM.
DOUG GOES BACK TO WORKING ON HIS DEVICE AND LOOKING AT THE MANUAL.
DOUG STARES AT THE MANUAL FOR A MOMENT.
LULU RUNS OVER TO JOIN THE TWO.
DOUG STANDS UP AND HOLDS UP A SMALL REMOTE.
DOUG PRODUCES A SHEET OF PAPER FROM HIS POCKET AND STARES AT IT.
DOUG LOOKS AT THE BACK OF THE DETONATOR
DOUG TOSSES AWAY THE DETONATOR.
BRYCE PULLS OUT A GUN AND POINTS IT AT DOUG.
THERE IS A BEEP ON BRYCEíS WATCH. HE HOLSTERS HIS GUN.
INT. GUSíS DINER Ė LATER
DOUG, BRYCE, LULU, AND CHARLENE ALL SIT AT A BOOTH IN THE DINER. BRYCE AND LULU ARE ON ONE SIDE WHILE DOUG AND CHARLENE SIT TOGETHER.
CHARLENE SMACKS DOUG ACROSS THE BACK OF HIS HEAD.
DOUG CRADLES CHARLENE.
GUS WALKS OVER TO THEIR TABLE AND PLACES THEIR MEALS IN FRONT OF THEM.
GUS WALKS OFF.
GUS WALKS BY THE TABLE.
GUS TAKES OUT A PDA.
BRYCE STANDS UP.
The Evil Blog Is on Fire
Posted by Frank J. at 11:51 AM | Evil Blog Is on Fire&Body=http://www.imao.us/archives/002575.html">Email This
And, no, a corkscrew wasn't what stabbed me in the ass, but it was right next to thing that did.
BTW, the write of this parody blog is the same guy who guest posts here as Frank J (no period after the 'J'). You can vote here to guess his indentity.
A Time to Catch Up
I woke up in a cold sweat this morning having had a nightmare about the trip. Anyway, I'll leave that to SarahK to document all the mishaps. Well, as bad as things were, at least I had my dual .45s on me. There were a few highlights, though. One was the surprise of seeing FlyingSpaceMonkey driving on the highway next to us holding up a sign. We were laughing so hard we nearly crashed in the tunnel (I keep meaning to blogroll SpaceMonkey, and now that he risked his life to see us I should. Eh, I'll do it later). The other highlight was having dinner with Maggie Katzen and RTO Trainer. Really, there are no better people than blog people, and we could have talked for hours. Maggie has an account of the meeting that isn't quite like I remember it.
Now I need to catch up on the news having little internet and T.V. exposure for a while. It seems all bad, with more people dying in Iraq, flooding in CA, more death still from the tsunami, and so many people getting fired from CBS News just to prove how bad the economy is under the Bush administration.
Well, my new kitten who I named Sydney after Sydney Bristow from Alias is home. SarahK's cat, Minerva, who's at least twice the size of Sydney, keeps trying to play, but Sydney seems to not understand and there is a lot of hissing and spitting. Hopefully, they'll get along soon. Here are some pictures of Sydney:
Anyhoo, I'll get working on some regular political humor soon and an In My World™. I may also finally put out something I've been sitting on for some time that I think you should all find quite funny.
Be honorable, ronin.
January 11, 2005
January 10, 2005
Armstrong Williams, The Comeback Plan
Iíve been reading the press reports, following, the news, and of course, reading the blogosphere. Iíve been very disappointed in the coverage to date. Sure, the man made a mistake. But the consensus seems to be: Armstrong is done.
Is this fair. Of course not. But itís the reality of the situation. Al Sharpton can level false charges and start a race riot that where people die. Jesse Jackson can say anything he wants. In fact, last I checked, Iím not sure which he had in greater abundance Ė supporters or mistresses.
Now, Armstrong has been caught doing something wrong.Actually, this is only a problem if youíre conservative. If you were liberal, youíd run around waving your hands frantically saying the other side doesnít care about our kids and whether they can read or not.
Howver, Armstrong can't play the Race Card.
Mr. Williams, Iím with the Race Card. Iím sorry but I came to revoke it.
What, Are you doing this because Iím black?
Sorry, the Race Card isnít available for conservatives. Here, take this.
The Bigot card?
Sure thing. Plus it comes with 20 free Homophobe points!
You think Armstrong is done? What is wrong with you people? Have we learned nothing from watching and mocking liberals without end?
Iíd like to present to you
RWDís Unofficial Armstrong Williams Comeback Plan.
There is a path to redemption and it can be just as fun to watch it unfold.
Step One. Admit you did wrong. A conflict of interest is a conflict of interest. Now, since Liberals donít understand shame, they will gather around you and move in for the kill. This is just where you want them Ė close by with a recorder running.
Step Two: Blame George Bush. The stronger the accusation, the better. It can be anything. Anything at all. Yes, somebody paid you money, but the motivation is what will give it some legs. Try these accusationsÖ
"I had a family to feed."
Or combine them for added impact and entertainment.
ďGlobal warming has affected my ability to feed my family. Bush doesnít care.Ē
ďHalliburton has single handedly raised the cost of healthcare for working families.Ē
ďBarney the White House Dog knew of the tsunami and told nobody.Ē
I recommend: Hugh Hewittís Blog, Ann Coulterís ĎHow to Talk to a Liberalí, or David Limbaughís ĎPersecutioní. Might as well help our conservative friends increase sales.
What happens if somebody does read the book? You have several options.
ďMr. Williams, your book ďHalliburton, Barney, and Global WarmingĒ is just a copy of Rush Limbaughís ďSee, I Told You SoĒ with a different cover. Any comment?Ē
ďReally? It must have been a typo. You should go out and by another copy.Ē
ďThat explains why Michael Moore didnít want to make the movie!Ē
ďMan, is there no way for us to escape the horrible reach of the fascist regime?Ē
Have no fear. Even if they read it, as long as Bush Bashing is involved, the media will cut you lots of slack. During this time, itís important that you take lots and lots of pictures with Liberal Democrats in as many settings as possible. Attend Democratic Fundraisers, go to movie premieres, attend parties - anywhere where you can take pictures in a buddy-buddy setting.
Step Five. At some point, the Left will do something really stupid. Like present the National Guard documents or nominate John Kerry again. This is the moment. Go on the attack. Tell them you are so outraged, you are now defecting yet once again.
ďHow can they do this? I believed in the Left, now Iím so outraged, Iím voting Republican!Ē Hit the talk show circuit again.
Step Six. Write another book. Youíll have to actually write one this time, but itís a small price to pay. When the Left attacks, as it surely will, flash all those buddy pictures to make them go away. Itís hard for Maureen Dowd to criticize when you have a picture of you holding her head over the toilet while she pukes at Rosie Oí Donnellís wedding.
Step Seven. Welcome back to the conservative fold!! Remember to NEVER TO DO THIS AGAIN!! Always disclose any conflict of interest.
Through top secret sources, I, RightWingDuck, was able to locate the first draft of the apology. You will totally not believe what this guy was going to say. Man, these people need me.
Hell on Wheels
Well, just got to internet for the first time in a couple days. Haven't even reached Mobile, AL, so I won't be back to regular blogging (or work) tomorrow.
I don't even want to start talking about the trip; let's just say it started Friday with me getting stabbed in the ass and only got worse from there on. Just try to imagine all the things that could go wrong driving a 24 foot U-Haul truck towing an SUV and you won't even be close to all the horrors SarahK and I have been through in this move. I'm just glad there was never any serious consideration of her doing this herself, or she would have driven about an hour and turned around.
Anyway, I'll leave it to her to document the horrors (after this is done - more horror to come, I'm sure!). This really could be at least a 30 chapter book just on all that went wrong ("Chapter 12: We're Not Welcome in Jena, LA, Anymore") - with four to just all the trouble SarahK's cat has caused.
At least we got to meet a couple bloggers who were really cool (oh... all the meetings SarahK planned with friends and relatives and the troubles with that). We had to cancel seeing one in Mobile, and his photo-journal of the reaction is here.
Thanks to the guest bloggers who filled in (I even got an Instalanche from one). For those who are a little slow, the last post is a joke not written by me (and a clever one at that - SarahK likes the ball and chain one).
See you sometime this month when I get back home. Hopefully I'll get back before I'm fired from work.
Be honorable, ronin.
January 09, 2005
January 08, 2005
UN Letters from the front, II
Hello Guest Blogger RightWingDuck here with yet another letter from our brave UN Workers. I need to take a moment to thank the Diplomad. This information has been great reading and serves as continuing fodder for these letters (Not that I wouldn't make this stuff up anyway)
We now continue with more...
UN Letters from the front.
My Dearest Claudette:
I hope this letter finds you and the kids well.
We have been very busy here. Meeting after meeting, so many reports and charts to fill in. The pressure is starting to get to the staff and weíre running low on Number 2 pencils.
Today I went to the American hangar to get some reports and pick up our supplies. They were so busy with all their food deliveries I could barely get any service. Of course I needed the information, but we also brought with us a pallet of our own wine. You know how much we love our wine. Itís such a shame that these tragedies never happen in a location with fine vineyards Ė but thatís just one of the sacrifices we make.
They had the wine, but nobody could share any information with me. Really, Claudette, how are we to announce all the good work of the United Nations if these people canít give us a tally of their activity? How embarrassing.
Yes, this has been a time of great embarrassment.
What embarrassment? Not that a country had so many people living in shacks that were washed away.
Not that they didnít have clean drinking water before Ė but have it now thanks to the Ė what was it, Dutch? Iím not sure. Thankfully, they werenít American.
The embarrassment isnít that their own countrymen are kidnapping surviving children for the sex trade Ė what a shame, Iíll have to propose we form an assessment team to evaluate that.
No, the greatest embarrassment is that some countries could be giving a lot more money.
Make sure the world does all it can to humiliate the U.S. Those darn choppers just donít let me sleep anymore. Do they have to deliver food ALL the time?
Theyíre not even dong it right. Some places have been fed twice, others not at all. Really, do they need to eat twice in a day? They never ate twice before! Where do they think they are Ė America? Before you know, those tacky fast food outlets will be all over the place. I suspect a secret American Agenda at play again.
By the way, the chefís dinner last night was superb. He was overwhelmed feeding the crew so they are flying in another chef plus a waiter. Hopefully, weíll see an improvement in service. Oh, relief from this horrible tragedy. Sometimes I donít know how I can cope with such a disaster.
It helps when I think of you and the little ones.
Give them a kiss.
All my love
I weep when I read these. Selfish American Bastards. All of you.
I'm sorry. I got carried away.
Make sure you visit me at www.rightwingduck.net. Later on you can read my wonderful suggestions for catching Osama Bin Laden.
BTW, did anybody notice that Instapundit linked to this site the other day. Yep, it's what I call Guest Blogger Job Security:)
January 07, 2005
UN Letters from the front
Posted with utter humility by guest blogger RightWingDuck.
Friends. Sometimes in our rush to laugh at the United Nations for being so utterly useless, we forget that it is composed of people serving and doing their very best. I came across this letter the other day that I think reminds us of what's truly important in life.
I will continue to post these wonderful letters as I find them.
UN Letters from the front.
My Dearest Claudette:
It has been 24 hours since we landed on this horrible island full of water, dread and misery. No French cuisine anywhere. No opera. No Jerry Lewis festivals playing at the theatre. Oh the humanit. How I long for the wonderful Paris shore. But I have a duty to you and to the United Nations. So here I remain.
Today, we were issued our Toyota Land Rover vehicles. There was a problem at the dealer, but we told them the Americans would be forking over some cash soon. However, all is not good. How can they send us to this mission without the tools we need to carry them out? Of course, for this, we can only blame Monsieur Bush.
My Land Cruiser is missing a CD player. I had all my favorite Jerry Lewis routines recorded onto a CD and now what am I supposed to when Iím driving around looking and listening for survivors?
Not that I can hear anything with that incessant sound of the U.S. Navy helicopters. Really, the Americans love all that military technology, they can get several thousand sailors anywhere in the world in a day or so Ė youíd think theyíd invent a more silent helicopter. I'm sure they do it to annoy us.
My bed is a twin size, when I ordered a King. I said,Ē I want I Roi sizeĒ. They thought I was trying to talk like an American Marine. 'Urah', indeed. Not to mention the fact I forgot to pack my favorite slippers. Iíll have to send my little houseboy out to find me some. I canít imagine that all of the stores are closed for business. Surely they knew we were coming.
Iíll write more later, cheri. I must turn in for the evening. We have a day full of meetings, and more meetings. After that, our chef will be preparing a lovely Thai dinner in honor of our host nation.
Give everyone a kiss and make sure you complain to everyone about the horrible Americans here in Thailand.
Let us remember these fine people in the UN. Let us continue to pray for the survivors and they can continue to survive until help gets to them.
January 06, 2005
The CBS Documents
A Post by Guest Blogger RightWingDuck.
Friends, CBS will soon be coming out with the resulst of their investigation on the Forged Air National Guard Records. Yes, a complete report after all this time.
Do not be upset this delay. Please understand, it takes two days to decide to air a document, and several months to figure out if it was real.
However, since we are not as bright as those Blue Staters, I decided to put together a translation guide Ė to better enable you to understand their statements. The Mainstream Media, like all things French, have their own language. Never fear - RightWingDuck is here (Hey, that rhymed).
I present to you..
The RWD Phrasebook of CBS Reporting.
Weíll do anything to nuke Bush.
We consulted everything the bloggers have noted
Man, Moxie looks great in go-go boots.
And we held an executive meetings...
And we had many spirited debates.
Drinking, drinking, and RPG barfing.
After a thorough analysis
Where the hell did we put those papers?
And several consultations
Somebody, who knows somebody,
Who knows somebody, who knows my brother-in-law
We can not be sure that these were not originals
Weíre too cheap too buy a Selectric typewriter and do a text comparison.
So we made a decision
We flipped a coin
We canít be sure, but we apologize if people thought we were lying on purpose.
Dan Rather is deeply embarrassed by all of this..
Heíll never be able to cash a check without 10 forms of ID.
And so is the entire CBS staff.
Is it Happy hour yet?
Cha ching. Iím making big money just for keeping a straight face.
There, I hope this better helps you to understand this weird foreign language we keep hearing on TV.
I might have missed something, so tell me if there are any other phrases that may need translating.
Man, these media guys do speak a different language.
Links of the Day
Mrs. Greyhawk has an interesting entry to a photoshop contest.
Now I leave until next week when I return with SarahK and a kitten. I didn't get to formally e-mailing my guest bloggers, but your free to use my site as a trash bin for unwanted posts until whenever it is I get back.
Be honorable, ronin.
Suggestion on Terrorist Interrogations
Since everyone seems so sensitive on the issue, so here's what I propose as the new regulations for interrogating a terrorist:
* He will be asked to "please" give us information.
* If no information is given, he will then be asked to "pretty please" give us information.
* If there is still no response, he will finally be asked to "pretty please with sugar on top" give us information.
* Any further requesting would be badgering and could be construed as torture. If given court approval, though, the interrogator could offer to be the terrorist's "very best friend" in exchange for information.
There. That should make everyone happy.
Aren't These Hearings Also a Form of Torture?
There a lot of controversy involving nominating Alberto Gonzales to Attorney General and the issue of torture. Well, look at these e-mails I intercepted between the President and Gonzales (I intercept everyone's e-mail and it's perfectly legal; if you ever read one of those software agreements before clicking okay, they all have a section somewhere saying, "...and Frank J. can read your e-mails."):
It's the End of the World as We Know It, and I Feel Gassy
Senatorette Barbara Boxer is signing on the challenge the Electoral College votes. Many people at Democratic Underground who, as they like to point out constantly, are much smarter and more often right than any of us, are convinced this will lead to Kerry becoming president.
Time to load the shotguns.
Any moment now Kerry is going to storm down the Potomac in his swift boat and take the White House. The lefties, stirred to a frenzy by the coup, will storm the streets as berserkers, attacking everything in site. So lock you doors and keep your weapons at hands. If someone rings your doorbell and identifies himself as "President Kerry," DO NOT LET HIM IN! Shoot anyone who tries to come in through the windows.
You're probably asking whether next the dead will rise and eat the flesh of the living - like in Dawn of the Dead. Well, there is no evidence that this won't happen. I hope you stocked up on ammo.
Damn you, Barbara Boxer! You've destroyed civilization! Damn you!
The Hate-Filled Lefty Meets SarahK
I'll be leaving after work to catch a flight to Amarillo and help SarahK move all her stuff to Florida, so I won't see you guys again until next week. I didn't think it was right that only I get to see SarahK, so...
January 05, 2005
Let's Play "Name That Cat"
A little gray kitten was found in the parking lot of my work place, and I agreed to take her home (when I get back from helping SarahK move this weekend). It's freaky, man; one moment I'm normal ole Frank J... and soon I'm going to be a cat owner!
Well, I'm trying to think of a good name for a female cat where I can still keep some masculinity. I already had names for dogs picked out from my favorite fiction (when I finally get a dog, I'm naming him "Tuco"), but never considered naming a cat. What's a good heroine name for a kitty? Best I have so far is "Samus," but that's too geeky. Any ideas?
UPDATE: Here's a picture of the kitten.
I Resolve to Be Resolute
LaShawn Barber asked that I link to her, and you always have to do what LaShawn asks, so I'm linking to her list of New Year's Resolutions - some of which I might steal for myself. Here are some of my own resolutions:
* Publish book that's a compilation of my In My World's.
* Make lots of money from doing so.
* Use money for evil.
* Train in handgun usage such that I can easily draw and hit a monkey between the eyes at fifty paces at a moment's notice.
* Treat SarahK like a princess when she moves here this weekend... unless she starts nagging (BTW, I have a special project with her that I'm keeping secret for now; it's so cool to have a girlfriend who shares my main hobby).
* Make it big in the radio industry with my audio bits.
* When I make it big, end blog with a final "screw you readers" post.
* Laugh evilly more often.
* Exercise more.
* Wrestle an alligator.
* Use fire to solve more problems.
* Eat healthier to reduce cholesterol.
* Destroy most of my enemies.
* Create more enemies to have as targets of destruction.
* Be better at regularly reading other blogs.
That's all I can think of now. What were your resolutions?
Frank J. - Reporter!
I've always wanted to go to a CPAC, and almost did in my college days, and this time they have an open call for bloggers. Maybe I should try and go and get some interviews with their speakers. If anyone from CPAC asks about this blog, nothing but serious political discussion goes on here; don't mention ninjas or monkeys.
My only run in with the law was receiving a citation for a wide right turn (I turned right into the left lane). What did I exclaim to the police officer upon receiving the fine?
"The bitch set me up!"
Social Security Reform: Just Give Me My @#$% Money!
An Editorial by Frank J.
There has been a lot of discussion about Social Security reform, but, to me, the issue is pretty simple: just give me my @#$% money! I don't who exactly has it now, but I swear to God Almighty that I will find you and I will cut you! I see that money that goes out of my paycheck each month; that's my @#$% money! You say you're taking that out for my own good? Do you think I'm a dumb baby? That money would serve me much better in mutual funds or on a craps table. You give it back now or you're a dead man!
"If old people want my @#$% money, then they will have to fight me for it!"
Who thought of this Social Security and that people should take my @#$% money? Oh yeah, it was FDR. I would cut him, but he's dead already. Maybe I'll dig up his corpse and hang it anyway... but that won't give me my @#$% money! I want my @#$% money and I want it @#$% now!
Many would say that to simply allow me to opt out of Social Security would then leave current senior citizens who count on that money in dire straits. To that I answer that I am really crazy and I will cut you if you don't give me back my @#$% money! If old people want my @#$% money, then they will have to fight me for it! I will break your hip, old man! What do you want more: your hip, or my @#$% money?
Now, let's look at the positive economic impact from giving me back my @#$% money. For one, there will be less hospital bills, as there will be no reason for me to cut anyone. Second... I don't need a second reason! Now give me my @#$% or I cut you bad!
Proposals on the table will let me invest in the private sector some of my money taken from me. This to me sounds like only a partial solution to the problem of me not having my @#$% money right @#$% now, and thus I will respond by only partially cutting you... whoever you are who has my @#$% money. Or maybe I'll just beat you with a rock.
In conclusion, Social Security has served this nation for many years, but now things have changed... such as that now I will cut you if you don't give me my @#$% money. I may not know exactly where my @#$% money is, but I know where my knife is. Soon I will know where you are, and then I cut you!
Unless I get my @#$% money!
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as "I Will Cut You!: The Book of the Samurai" and "The South Beach Diplomatic Solution to Nuclear Proliferation".
January 04, 2005
Women and Guns
Here is a picture of SarahK showing off her Christmas present... and there is a whole gun debate in the comments to go with it. My two cents: if you're a woman living alone and don't own a gun, you're insane.
That reminds me, I still need to get a bunch of new modeling photos I've been keeping to myself. Time for a push to sell more W2 shirts in time for inauguration!
Headlines + Fun = Headline Fun!
Clash leaves 7 Palestinians dead
British punk band says they never claimed they had the ability to raise the dead.
* * * *
Mahmoud Abbas flirts with extremists
"Hey, baby, want to blow up some Jews?" said to be favorite pick-up line.
* * * *
Annan begins major UN overhaul
Hopes to keep UN focused on what it does best: embezzling.
* * * *
Argentines Hit Streets Again to Punish Politicians
"Hey, you're making potholes!" sullen politicians yell.
* * * *
US help for Thai early alert system
A loud tone will signal if your green curry is dangerously spicy.
* * * *
Indian security adviser named
We'll call him "Bill."
* * * *
Trapped dolphins symbol of hope
Strangled raccoons to be symbol of peace.
* * * *
Seattle Police Chief's Gun Stolen
Seattle Resident Be Warned: A criminal has a gun!
* * * *
Now you do your own in the comments.
I have a lot of projects I'm working on now, so I'm going to have to streamline my blogging so I can spend more time after work on other things. That means I'll probably stick to one good humor post each day. Other than that, I think I'll do some more linking. To start with, everyone should read this story about how a feminine hygiene product saved a life in the hands of a Marine ('bout everyone has linked to it already, but one more link won't hurt).
Frank Predictions for 2005
I know I'm a few days late, and RightWingDuck already did some on my site, but here are my predictions for 2005. Since I didn't have a crystal ball, I instead consulted crystal meth.
PREDICTIONS FOR 2005
* Michael Moore will make a new "documentary" trying to expose the Iraq war as evil. To do so, he will head to the Middle East to interview terrorists. Since Moore's body odor is classified as a WMD, Tenet will be vindicated when Moore is discovered in Iraq.
* Saddam's trial will turn into a circus when the judge rules that clowns and elephants will be allowed in the courtroom. In the end, Saddam is executed by being fired out of a cannon.
* Satan will finally give up on the moral qualms he had and help Hillary Clinton in her run for the presidency in 2008.
* The MSM will break down and devote all its time to pointing out alleged flaws in blog posts.
* Democracy will be such a big hit in Iraq that all the citizens of nearby countries will demand to get in on the fun. Democracy will spread so far that it will eventually reach Canada.
* Jazz legend Bill Clinton will be found dead of a heroin overdose in a seedy motel near Little Rock. There will be a week of mourning during which McDonalds will offer a promotional Big Mac for one dollar in Clinton's memory.
* George W. Bush will continue to refuse to demand that Kofi Annan resign, even as he personally strangles the Secretary-General of the U.N.
* France will surrender in the war on terror and begin terrorizing themselves. The U.S. will offer to help.
* Democrats will further break down until they become a loosely organized roving gang that jumps people in dark alleys and whines at them.
* Space aliens will land and offer to share their technology to bring us long life and world peace, but we'll kill all the aliens because they look funny... and we'll be right to do so!
* Distraught liberals will try to form a perfect society underground, emerging every so often from the sewers to steal bread crusts from our trash cans.
* Dan Rather does an expose on how Jesus never did raise Lazarus from the dead based on memos allegedly typed at the beginning of the first millenium A.D. It recevies little scrutiny from his audience at the nursing home.
* Seven hurricanes will hit Florida. Having to go at least three months without power, I'll learn to blog using only candles and coconuts.
* SarahK and I, now in the same state, will join forces to rule the blogosphere, then Florida, then Minnesota, and then the world. No monkey will be spared.
January 03, 2005
A Trillion Saved Is a Trillion Earned
President Bush has plenty of neat new schemes for his second term, but first he has to reduce spending by billions of dollars. Here are my suggestions:
TOP TEN WAYS FOR THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT TO REDUCE SPENDING
10. Replace corrupt U.N. which steals billions of dollars with less corrupt one that only steals millions.
9. Instead of using expensive laser-guided bombs to take out strategic targets, use nukes and military might to bully enemy countries into bombing selves.
8. Stop paying Ted Kennedy's bar tab.
7. Cut up all federal government credit cards except for one with a three trillion dollar limit that earns Delta sky miles.
6. Limit construction of golden statues of congressman to one per representative and two per senator.
5. You know, that whole scenario from Logan's Run would really save money on Social Security.
4. Each month, rate all bureaucratic agencies on their efficiency and burn to the ground the least efficient one.
3. In the Congress's cafeteria, replace the ketchup in Heinz ketchup bottles with cheaper Hunt's Ketchup and hope no one notices.
2. Start a "Stabbing Is Fun" campaign in the military to save on bullets.
And the number one way for the federal government to reduce spending is...
Stop caring about the poor.
In My World: Assigning Blame and Retribution
"Before we start the questions," White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan announced, "I just would like to request that you reporters try and find some other adjectives to describe me with than 'tubby.'"
"With the death toll from the tsunami likely to hit 150,000, is the Bush administration finally ready to admit that the war in Iraq was a mistake?" a reporter.
Scott just stared back silently in response.
"Bush's tubby press secretary was rendered speechless by my insightful question," the reporter said aloud as he wrote in his notepad.
"Okay! That's it!" Scott shouted angrily, "I put up with your questions about whether Laci Peterson and her child would still be alive if it weren't for the war in Iraq and whether the Matrix sequels would have been better if we hadn't 'rushed to war,' but now I'm drawing the line. I want some relevant questions."
"How do you respond to the water god Pochanto saying that the tsunami is in retaliation to Abu Grahib?" another reporter asked.
"Who?" Scott exclaimed, "How do you know that's not just some crazy guy?"
"It's not our job as reporters to 'know,'" the reporter responded indignantly, "Itís our job to say stuff and things to the public." All the other reporters nodded in agreement.
"Well, even accepting your idiotic premise, the tsunami was caused by an earthquake, so..."
"You admit the Bush administration angered the earth gods then?" one reporter interjected.
"No! There is no relation between the White House policies and the tsunami!"
"Then why weren't there tsunami during other presidencies, such as the revered Clinton administration?"
"Yeah," another reporter followed up, "Why won't Bush ever admit to a mistake and that he has angered the spirits of nature?"
"And how do you respond to the U.N. calling the U.S. stingy in this crisis?"
"How much have you reporters given to help?" Scott challenged.
"It's not our job to end suffering," a reporter answered, "It's just our job to tell people about suffering." The other reporters nodded in agreement.
Rumsfeld burst through a wall. "Rarr! We will not be stingy with our righteous vengeance!" Rumsfeld yelled as he violently tried to grab the reporters. A chain was holding him back, the end of which was in Chomps's mouth.
"Please excuse the Secretary of Defense," Scott said, "He's been very agitated with reporters since one planted a question with a soldier. Thus, we got Chomps, the world's angriest dog, to hold him back."
"Is there any chance that dog will become angry at us instead of the chain he's holding?"
Chomps stopped violently tugging on the chain to notice the reporters. He then growled, releasing Rumsfeld who shouted "Rarr!" and jumped at the press. Chomps followed suit.
* * * *
"A whole press conference of reporters was found dead today," the news anchor announced, "All we're either mauled, beaten with a chain, or both. Police have no specific suspects but say it was probably the work of an extremist... such as a Christian. All detectives are sure of so far from the evidence collected is that Bush's Press Secretary is 'tubby.' Now stay tuned for a report on how this somewhat senseless slaughter of reporters could have been avoided if it weren't for President Bush's rush to war."
January 02, 2005
The New Year Begins Tomorrow
Honorable ronin, I return. Tomorrow morning expect a new In My World™ followed by the constant humor you know and love (though I'm gone this coming Friday).
Thanks to the guest bloggers; I actually haven't had a chance to read all they wrote yet but I heard it's good. Will do soon... but must write first!
January 01, 2005
Happy New Year
Good Morning everyone. Guest Blogger RightWingDuck here.
Well, at least it's morning here in Pasadena, California. Where it did NOT rain for the Rose Parade today. Hurray!
Today, my wife and little duckling went off to see the parade. Did you see them on TV? They were the ones waving.
BTW, if you ever get the chance to see the parade in person - do so. I normally go, but this morning I had "pillow issues' I needed to work through.
Last night at a party, people were talking about their resolutions for 2005. Resolutions take many shapes. You have hopeless resolutions, such as the desire to lose weight or quit smoking. And then there are the totally useless resolutions - such as those passed by the UN.
Now, being practically perfect in every way, I seldom make resolutions. I'm too busy trying to fix other people. Which is really the key to happiness- change everyone around you and you're bound to be happy. I read that somewhere.
Okay, okay. Maybe I could lose a little bit of weight. And maybe it wouldn't kill me to actually use Spell Check from time to time.
So, rather than asking all IMAO readers what your resolutions are-which would be insincere since I don't really care - I thought, "Self, how would you fix other people?"
That led to today's theme.
US Expats in Canada.
I hope you enjoyed your New Year Celebration. Tell me, what resolutions would you make for other people? And yes, you can comment on the resolutions you have made for yourselves.
This is my final post as Frank should be back soon. I'm still having my Caption Contest. You might be the one to win that wonderful SpongeBob watch (retail value $1.99). Amaze your friends.
Drop by and visit at www.rightwingduck.net. We have some wonderful entries so far.
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