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February 28, 2005
Links of the Day
Posted by RightWingDuck at 10:18 PM | Email This

Okay- it's the day after a major award ceremony. That means go read the girls at Fug. When it comes to slamming Celebrity Fashion - they have no equal.

Manic Viking has a great outline of his credentials. Take THAT mainstream media!

BTW, funny always deserves an audience. Hubris has been red hot lately!
Check him out.

Remember to visit IMAO for all your shopping needs.

You, the fat guy sitting at your computer - no, the other one. You need a new T-shirt. Buy one of Frank's.

Order one today and shipping is extra!

Rating: 2.4/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (5)
RWD's Roundup - The Oscars
Posted by RightWingDuck at 10:01 PM | Email This

Hello IMAO readers,

RightWingDuck here to share the news. Actually, today's theme is on the Oscars.

The Oscars have come and gone. Wow, that was so exciting.

Not all reviews for Chris Rock were good. In fact, many were offended by his rant against George Bush – or as Hollywood calls it, “Standard Opening #1.”

The national ratings were down from last year. It appears they lost viewers in Middle America. Hollywood is trying desperately to connect with those red states. In fact, next year they have just the right event – they plan to hang President Bush in effigy!

That should lure them in.

It was Rock’s first time hosting the Oscars, so obviously he was confused.

Insulting the President isn't the job of the host- it’s the job of the Winners!! (Standard Thank You #2)

Read More...


Rating: 3.2/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (11)
Gratuitous T-Shirt Babe Pic o' the Day
Posted by sarahk at 09:23 PM | Email This

a picture of Minerva learning how to clean and oil the guns. oh yeah, i'm in the picture too. UPDATE: it's now a caption contest.

and for the ladies, there's a cute picture of Frank J with his precious dimples. am i allowed to use the word "precious" here at IMAO?

Read More...


Rating: 3.8/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (45)
Who the Hell They Are II
Posted by Frank J. at 05:05 PM | Email This

Whoops. Forgot to check my Spam box. If an e-mail contains a link and little text, there is a good chance it winds up there. Thus happened to many links to answers to my questions.

Well, here are more blogs who answered the challenge. Check them out and see if they are worthy of having opinions.

Read More...


Rating: 3.0/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (6)
The Grand Canadian Adventure
Posted by Aquaman at 01:19 PM | Email This

Hello, Aquafans!

Ever vigilant, I peruse the news sites for peril that can only be handled by the man in orange. Today I found that Democrats are suggesting that the ban on buying medicines from Canada be lifted. Democratic Montana Governor Brian Schweitzer thinks it "makes no sense" that the United States can import "cattle, hogs and logs" from Canada -- but not cheaper prescription drugs. And I agree. Underwater there is no difference between hogs and prescription drugs.

Both are wet.

It seems, though, that the insidious pharmaceutical companies and their evil cronies the Republicans don't want Americans having cheaper drugs from Canada.

Well, this seems like a job for...

Read More...


Rating: 3.0/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (15) | Aqua-Adventures
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 11:33 AM | Email This

What did old man Rather say right after being forced into retirement from the CBS Evening News over the fake memos he used to try and besmirch President Bush?

Read More...


Rating: 2.5/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (12) | Fun Trivia
In My World: Un-Poofy Part IV
Posted by Frank J. at 09:24 AM | Email This

Part I
Part II
Part III

* * * *

"Is it true that the president was lost on the way to his negotiations with North Korea?"

"That's ridiculous," White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan answered, "He's right on schedule."

* * * *

"Are these people looking more Korean and less Chinese to you?" Bush asked.

"Looking kinda Korean," the president of Micronesia, Joseph Urusemal, answered.

"Nope. Not Korean yet," Buck the Marine stated.

* * * *

"And where are the rest of Bush’s cabinet? There are rumors about them being involved in some sort of fighting competition."

"That's crazy; they're hard at work," Scott assured the reporters.

* * * *

"Are you really wearing those stiletto heel boots for the street fighting competition?" Laura asked incredulously.

"Part of street fighting is style," Condoleezza Rice answered.

"'nuff girl talk!" Cheney shouted, "I want to crack some skulls. There's nothing like illegal street fighting."

"Rarr!" Rumsfeld added.

"While we're here, though, is anybody looking after my husband?" Laura asked with concern.

"Chomps, go check on Bush," Rumsfeld told his dog, "If he's in trouble, take care of the trouble. If he's making friends with Europeans, bite him."

Chomps growled and then ran off.

"Get ready!" the fight coordinator yelled out, "and remember: the only rules are there are no rules."

"Hey! That's easy to remember!" Laura exclaimed excitedly.

* * * *

"Anymore questions?" Scott asked the assembled press.

"Why are you so fat?"

Scott groaned. "Can we show some maturity here?"

One of the reporters shrieked. "That guy there has a laptop!"

"He could be a blogger!" another yelled.

"Let's get out of here before he gets us all fired!" The press fled the room leaving just Scott and the one man with a laptop.

"Thanks for getting rid of those jerks," Scott told him.

"I have some questions about Michael Gannon."

Scott rolled his eyes. "For pete's sake..."

* * * *

"Now... uh... Entering... North... uh... Korea. Abandon All... uh... Hope... Ye Who Enter... uh... Here." Bush turned to his two companions. "What do you think that means?"

"I think we might be to North Korea," Urusemal offered.

"Think we should ditch the pandas we're riding," Bush said.

"Good, mine kept attacking me," Urusemal said.

"You just have to punch them in the head enough to gain their respect," Buck stated.

"Yeah, don't be such a wuss, Joey," Bush said, "You were the one all scared about going through the demilitarized zone."

"Because it was full of mines!"

"See, I would have thought the opposite with the name 'demilitarized zone,'" Bush commented, "If you were going to fill it with mines, shouldn't you call it the 'extra militarized zone'?"

"All I know is that it was cool to see that panda blow up," Buck laughed.

"That's something everyone has to see at least once in their life," Bush stated.

Suddenly they were all surrounded by North Korean troops.

"Uh... take us to your leader," Bush said.

* * * *

Bush, Urusemal, and Buck sat at a large table. "He makes us wait to show he has power over us," Urusemal said.

"It's working! I'll do whatever he says!" Bush exclaimed.

The large doors at the end of the room opened and out walked Kim Jon Il. "My hair is no longer poofy!"

"Wow," Bush answered, "You must have finally used that coupon to Super-Kutz I gave you."

"Yes! Hair cut now! You no longer make fun of poofy hair!"

"You still have those dumb glasses," Bush pointed out.

"You shut up!" Jong yelled. He then looked around. "Who are these others?"

"It's my friend Buck the Marine and President Joseph something-or-other of Micronesia so these talks are multilateral."

"What!" Jong exclaimed, "I never heard of that country."

"It's a real one," Bush replied, "Just don't ask me to point it out on a map."

"I could show you," Urusemal offered, "if the map is big enough."

"I do not care!" Jong shouted, "Did you remember your briefcase, President Bush?"

"I have it right here," Bush said, patting the briefcase on the table.

"Briefcase go on ground!" Jong shouted, "Ground place for briefcase!"

"Fine," Bush said, putting down the briefcase, "but, if I put the briefcase on the ground, then... uh... you have to dismantle all your nukes."

"Okay, it agreed," Jong agreed.

"Hey, negotiations are going great," Bush exclaimed, "Thanks for coming, Joey."

"Well, gosh, you know how Micronesia loves to help America."

"Yeah, you said that like a thousand times."

"Negotiations being done," Jong said, "before you all go you should LOOK AT THAT WALL OVER THERE!"

Bush, Buck, and Urusemal all looked at the wall across from them. "I don't see anything," Bush said, "How about you, Buck?"

"Looks like a wall," Buck answered.

"This might be a diversion," Urusemal suggested.

Bush stared harder at the wall. "Doesn't look like a diversion."

"You can stop looking at the wall and go," Jong said, "Muh hee hee hee."

"Was someone just behind me?" Bush asked. "Oh well." He then stood up and began to lift his briefcase. "Why'd this get so heavy all of a sudden?"

Jong tossed Bush handcuffs. "You handcuff to wrist to make sure you don't lose it." He then tossed another pair of handcuffs to Bush. "Why don't you cuff it to both hands."

"Wait!" Urusemal shouted, "I don't think that's your briefcase!"

"That's crazy," Bush said, "It's black; my briefcase is black."

"But it's much larger and looks heavier," Urusemal stated, "I think it might be a suitcase nuke."

Bush looked again at the briefcase. "Hey! You might be right!"

"I knew multilateral talks was a bad idea!" Jong shouted as he ran out of room, "Now I go to plan B - I launch nuke at America!"

"We have to stop him!" Bush yelled, "His nukes have a 20% chance of actually hitting California. It would take out a lot of blue-staters, but it's the principle of the thing."

Guards swarmed into the meeting room.

"Okay, Joey, you kill all the guards while Buck and I do something about the nuke launch," Bush said.

"Uh, usually ain't I the one who kills everybody?" Buck asked.

"Yeah, so I thought you'd want a change of pace."

"Nah, I like killing for'ners."

"Fine. You do that then."

"Ooh-rah!"

Bush turned to Urusemal. "Come with me, Joey, to stop that missile." Bush picked up the suitcase nuke. "We better get rid of this, too."

Bush and Urusemal ran to the next room as Buck got to kill’n. In the other room was a missile ready to launch. Up in a glass control room stood Kim Jong Il. "You will never stop me! America dies now! My hair is no longer poofy! Muh hee hee hee."

"It's too late to stop the launch," Urusemal said, "but I think I see a control panel from where I can retarget the missile."

"Good," Bush said, "Make it target the North Pole... oh, wait, Santa Claus is there. Make it target the South Pole. We'll be done with this soon enough."

The door then burst open. "Yeaaaargh!"

Bush rolled his eyes. "Not now."

* * * *

"We're to the final fight of the night," the fight coordinator said. "On one side, we have Mongo the Destroyer. Never been beaten." A muscle bound, seven foot man growled and pounded his fist into his palm. "On the other side is our last contender, the First Lady of Pain - Laura Bush. This former librarian will put your book under 'P' for 'Pain'!"

"Actually," Laura said, "Books are put on the shelves using the Dewey Decimal System. In the card catalogue, you might have a subject 'Pain' which would reference books that..."

"Just fight."

* * * *

Howard Dean knocked Bush back, slamming him against the soon to launch missile. "It's really not time for this partisanship," Bush pleaded, "We have a nuclear crisis."

"Hate Republicans and all they stand for!" Dean shouted, "Kill Republicans!"

Dean charged Bush again, and Bush swung the suitcase nuke at him. "Why won't you die!" Dean caught the suitcase and then swung it back, knocking Bush down. Dean then slammed the suitcase downwards, trying to crush Bush, but Bush rolled out of the way and handcuffed Dean's hand to the suitcase.

"Let's see you move toting that around," Bush laughed. Dean then started beating Bush with the suitcase like it was a ball and chain.

Bush scrambled for cover behind the missile. Dean swung the suitcase on chain at Bush, but it got stuck on part of the missile. Dean then swung his other hand around the missile trying to grab Bush.

"The missile is reprogrammed," Urusemal called out.

Bush handcuffed Dean's other hand to the suitcase so that Dean was now caught with both arms wrapped around the missile. "Looks like it has a passenger now," Bush said smugly, "Heh heh."

"Yeaaargh!" Dean screamed as he tried to pull free. The rocket then began to launch.

"If I knew the lyrics to 'Rocketman', it would be really funny to sing that now," Bush quipped.

* * * *

Jong ran down his secret escape path. "Stupid American never find me! My hair is no longer poofy!" Jong then caught sight of one of his gaurds. "Good, one of my guards is here to protect me... angriest guard we have." Jong rubbed his glasses to see better. "Actually, you look like angry dog." Jong took his glasses off and put his face right up to the guard and squinted. "Very angry."

* * * *

Bush settled back in the White House. "Good job, Joey, at the talks."

"Micronesia loves to help American in anyway, golly gosh," Urusemal answered.

"Good job, too, Buck; now catch the next flight back to Iraq 'cause we're kinda short on manpower there."

"Yes, sir!" Buck ran out of the building.

Bush looked around. "Now where is everyone?"

The phone then rang. "You've reached the White House and Cheney isn't here right now," Bush answered.

"It's your wife," Laura said, "Craziest thing happened. Donald, Dick, Condi, and I all got arrested for illegal street fighting and need bail money."

"That is crazy!" Bush exclaimed, "Especially since this is like the fourth time this happened." Bush hung up and looked to Urusemal. "Have any cash on you, Joey?"

"Uh... yes."

"You know all that aid we've given Micronesia? Well, it's time for you to give back. Off to the police station!"

* * * *

A scientist sat on the ice watching penguins waddle around. "I'm stuck in the middle of nowhere, freezing my ass off, observing stupid, flightless birds - can this get any worse?"

"Yeaaargh!" came a scream from the sky. The scientist looked up to see a missile headed his way.

"Aww... crap."

THE END

Rating: 3.0/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (23) | In My World
Frank J. for DNC Chair!
Posted by Harvey at 08:05 AM | Email This

When Howard Dean got appointed chairman of the DNC, my first thought was, "Those fools! Frank J. would've made a MUCH better chair than Howard Dean."

I can see you folks are skeptical.

But consider the following facts (in the extended entry):

Read More...


Rating: 3.0/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (13)
February 27, 2005
Poll: What distraction caused Frank to run a red light and cause an accident?
Posted by Cadet Happy at 07:46 PM | Email This

Click below to take the poll!

Read More...


Rating: 3.0/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (32)
Totally True Tidbits About The Pope
Posted by Harvey at 02:03 AM | Email This

Despite the fact that the Pope has been in the news a lot lately because of his recent health problems, most people don't know much about him. He remains shrouded in mystery like Austin Powers or the true meaning of the letters "IMAO".

It's time to lift the veil of secrecy surrouding the Catholic Church's most powerful figure, even though doing so will probably cause me to be sentenced to that special circle of Hell reserved for blasphemers and journalists. Regardless, some things are more important than the disposition of my immortal soul. Therefore I have plumbed the darkest depths of Google and otherwise just made things up in order to present to you (in the extended entry) these:

TOTALLY TRUE TIDBITS ABOUT THE POPE

Read More...


Rating: 3.2/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (41) | Totally True Tidbits
February 26, 2005
Things that make you go "Hmmmmmmm."
Posted by Cadet Happy at 03:42 PM | Email This

I was listening to my favorite radio program the other night, The Phil Hendrie Show, and Phil posited the following: "If the Baby Jesus were alive today, would he have have to ride in a car seat?" There are two aspects to this interesting question: first, would the Baby Jesus be bound by laws requiring his use of a car seat, and second would the Baby Jesus need a car seat to protect himself from harm.

In regard to the first aspect, I think that the Baby Jesus probably would be bound by car seat laws. There is no precedent for a spiritual being beating a traffic ticket by offering "divinity" as a defense. Furthermore, the Baby Jesus allowed himself to be judged pursuant to Roman law during his first visit to the Earth, so I would think he would recognize the laws of the much more legitimate governing bodies of today.

In regard to the second aspect, the Baby Jesus probably wouldn't need a car seat for personal protection. For one, as the Son of God, he must have something akin to "spidersense" that would allow him to see danger coming and avoid it. Also, I would expect he would have some sort of "magnum" power like Zoolander to prevent objects from hitting him--only on a much greater scale. Finally, even if the Baby Jesus couldn't stop every projectile hurtling towards him from hitting him, he could simply heal himself or raise himself from the dead. I think the only danger to the Baby Jesus while riding in a car would be if it was foretold that he was to die in a car accident to forgive our sins.

Rating: 3.2/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (15)
Announcements
Posted by Frank J. at 12:22 PM | Email This

Hey, sportsfans. Meant to finish up "IMW: Unpoofy" this week but will have the final part Monday. Also, I'm finally inspired for another Hate-Filled Lefty comic.

As for the group blogging, I'm really liking how its going and think everyone will find his or her own niche. For those who don't like it, well, all I can say is, "We're here, we're queer, get used to it." I need to fix up the sidebar and change some of the files so their not so Frank-centric.

Also, I'm thinking of replacing the verbal greeting with a neat jingle. Maybe that will be the next contest: come with a great IMAO jingle for SarahK to sing.

Well, have a great weekend. I'm going shooting. Yee-haw!

Rating: 3.4/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (14)
The Great Move of 2005 - Part IV
Posted by Frank J. at 12:14 PM | Email This

Here's the next part of the continuing adventure of SarahK and me in the amazing U-Haul of pain and tragedy.

Rating: 1.9/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (1)
February 25, 2005
Evil Glenn's Government Contract
Posted by Harvey at 10:10 PM | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

I was doing research for my forthcoming book, "Stupid Government! Stop Wasting My Money! I Hate You!", and I came across an interesting web site - www.porkbarrelsquanderers.gov - which lists every single sleazy, nepotistic government contract ever handed out.

In amongst such obvious scams as the "horse-drawn horse" and the "solid gold featherbed", I noticed that Glenn Reynolds had been awarded a juicy $12 billion contract for his plan entitled "How to Save the Lives of our Brave American Soldiers".

Curious, I clicked the link.

And saw what YOU'LL see if you check the extended entry...

Read More...


Rating: 2.7/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (7) | Filthy Lies
Links of the Day
Posted by sarahk at 09:37 PM | Email This

Laurence Simon, in an uncharacteristically PG-rated post ;-) , has tips for protecting your identity.

Most credit card companies ask for your mother's maiden name to confirm who you are. Change the question to your father's maiden name and nobody will ever get past their lax security.

there's much more where that came from. go see.

Carnival of the Recipes #28 is up over at Rocket Jones. go read that yummy goodness. oh, and the first person to send me the Chocolate Kahlua Trifles a la Christina is my new favorite.

Gullyborg has the second edition of Carnival of the Cordite. i don't know what that is, but it has something to do with guns, so i'm all for it.

finally, Pinwheels is in Alaska (from Guam) this week because he's up for the Air Mobility Squadron Officer of the Year award or something like that. good luck and congratulations, Pinwheels. (thanks to the Bebe for the tipoff.)

Rating: 3.3/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (4)
RWD's News Round-up - Friday
Posted by RightWingDuck at 06:54 PM | Email This

Hello Readers,

I'm RightWingDuck, here to share the news.

A few days ago, I talked about the poll that said America was ready for a female president. I told you not to take it too seriously because the other question was, “Would you vote for somebody whose name rhymed with nillary hinton?”

I hate being right. I think it's one of the signs of the end times.

There’s an article that shows that the poll in question was taken at
the First Woman President symposium

So, in other words, at a female president symposium, 63 percent said they were ready to see a woman in the Oval office.

63 Percent!!

What about the other 37 percent of attendees? Were they only there for the food?

Man, don’t you hate it when the polling is tainted?

In other news, 4 out of 5 Jackson’s feel Michael is innocent.

Read More...


Rating: 2.4/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (20) | News Round-Up
Top 10 Indicators You May Be Left of Liberal
Posted by spacemonkey at 05:11 PM | Email This

10. You never could throw your full support behind John Kerry once you found out his first name is found in the Bible, of all places.

9. One of the few reasons you couldn't bring yourself to assasinate the president is you'd have to actually buy a gun.

8. Your opinions and values carry more weight than those that oppose you, because you care.

7. To save money you bought an effigy of Bush made of asbestos. You later returned it when you realized 'the bush burned with fire, but the bush was not consumed.' is ALSO found in the Bible.

6. You believe the death penalty should be abolished...after it's applied to those that support it.

5. You believe that any news service that doesn't keep 'Bush is EV1L Incarnate' as its lead story is undeniably linked to a Vast Right Wing Conspiracy.

4. Four years later and you are STILL protesting outside the Broward County Courthouse for Gore-Lieberman 2000.

3. You have made a sign which you carry to every protest that just says 'NO!'. It's written in your own blood from when you carved 'I'm Sorry, World' on your forehead.

2. You acknowlege the 'Vast Right Wing Conspiracy' exists and is inherently evil but often lose sleep at night worrying there are smaller 'Widespread Right Wing Conspiracies' that need to be stamped out too and aren't getting the attention they deserve.

And the number one Indicator You May Be Left of Liberal....

Read More...


Rating: 2.4/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (22)
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 01:16 PM | Email This

What's so fun about a barrel full of monkeys?

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Rating: 2.4/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (12) | Fun Trivia
Is Howard Dean a True Progressive?
Posted by Aquaman at 12:43 PM | Email This

Hello, Aquafans.

I've spent more time reading these things you call "blogs." One of the more popular ones is something called "Little Green Footballs" written by the so-called "Charles Johnson." All he seems to do is excerpt other written pieces and maybe put a few things in bold. Any fool could do that! Look:

Animal rights activists are disgusted by a new candy from Kraft Foods Inc. (KFT) that's shaped like critters run over by cars — complete with tire treads.

The fruity-flavored Trolli Road Kill Gummi Candy — in shapes of partly flattened snakes, chickens and squirrels — fosters cruelty toward animals, according to the New Jersey Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals.

"It sends the wrong message to children, that it's OK to harm animals. And that's the wrong message, especially from a so-called wholesome corporation like Kraft," said society spokesman Matthew Stanton.

The society is considering petition drives, boycotts and letter-writing campaigns to get the candy pulled from the market, Stanton said.

After receiving a complaint from the NJSPCA Wednesday, Kraft officials pulled an animated advertisement from Trolli's Web site that featured car headlights and animals. No other decisions on changes have been made, said Kraft spokesman Larry Baumann.

Child's play! If the master of the seas is to blog, his goals should be loftier.

Then I saw this story on the CNN news site. Many progressives are hopeful that Howard Dean will stay true to liberal causes and not be drawn in by the dark, welcoming caress of centrism.

But how do we know what Dean really feels when the cameras aren't on him? What is his true agenda? Some would say we just can't ever know for sure, but I say that this looks like a job for...

Read More...


Rating: 3.3/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (12) | Aqua-Adventures
Gratuitous T-Shirt Babe Pic o' the Day
Posted by sarahk at 12:07 PM | Email This

you're welcome, fellas.

Read More...


Rating: 2.7/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (33)
More Prayers for the Pope
Posted by Frank J. at 09:53 AM | Email This

Everyone ignore Aquaman and keep praying for the pope. He's done so much good throughout his life, and he's determined to stay here with us on earth as long as he can to keep doing so. I say we give him our support, as each day for him is a triumph of strength.

Rating: 3.3/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (31)
Speak with a Japanese Accent and Carry a Big, Sharp Stick
Posted by Frank J. at 09:50 AM | Email This

I've read a little about the meetings Bush is having with people in Europe, and I'd probably do some things differently. Like, with Chirac, as soon as I saw him, I'd charged him. Then I'd quickly draw my samurai sword and slice off his head. His headless body, hand still held out for a handshake, would slowly collapse to the ground.

"Old Europe is of no use to me!" I would announce, "They should stay out of my way, or..." I'd hold up Chirac's head. "...this will be their fate!" Then I'd drop the head in the nearest waste basket and walk off.

As for Schroeder, I'd tell him firmly, "You have defied me, so now you are dead to me." Then I'd quickly draw my sword, stab in the belly, and cut out such that his guts spilled all over the floor. "And now you are dead to everyone. Ha!"

Then for Putin... well, I don't know if I'd do anything different; relations are a bit precarious right now.

Rating: 1.9/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (11)
Breathing and Its Newsworthiness
Posted by Aquaman at 09:26 AM | Email This

I was checking the villainous FOX News site today, and their top headline is "Pope Breathing on His Own." Can't most land creatures do that? Why does that make the news? Well, let me ask you this: Can the pope breathe on his own... underwater? I know I can. Shouldn't that be the headline news: "Aquaman Breathing on His Own - Both on Land and in Sea!"

Why am I always getting cheated out of the news?

Rating: 1.8/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (11)
The Ballad of Frank J.'s Accident
Posted by Harvey at 08:00 AM | Email This

Frank J. was recently involved in a car accident, and it looks like paying for all those repair bills may prevent him from buying that 75 carat diamond ring that the lovely & talented SarahK's been eyeballing.

This. Will. Not. Do.

Being a married man myself, it pains me greatly to think that Frank J. might somehow escape the chafing bonds of wedded bliss.

So, in the fine tradition of such great celebrity fund-raising songs as "We Are the World", and "We're Sending Our Love Down the Well", I've penned a little ditty to help Frank J. out.

[NOTE: The lyrics - while PG-13 - aren't entirely SarahK-safe, so I'm putting it in the extended entry. If she REALLY wants to sing it, I can whip up an FM version. Also, I'm not presently aware of a tune that fits the meter of the lyrics. If you think of one, leave a note in the comments]:

Read More...


Rating: 3.3/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (30) | Songs & Poems
February 24, 2005
Links of the Day
Posted by sarahk at 10:44 PM | Email This

Davids Medienkritik organized a rally in support of the America-Germany relationship.

Cathy Seipp has humble opinions on why the blogosphere is more male than female. i personally think it's because we women agree that nagging just doesn't come across as well in cyberspace. right, Frank?

my all-time favorite Calvin & Hobbes cartoon is the one where Calvin is really concentrating hard on trying to blow his nose; he says, "i hate it when my boogers freeze." that makes me giggle to this day. anyway, Kevin of Eckernet has a link to the Calvin & Hobbes archives. first ronin to find the one i described... uh... gets to read it first.

finally, Pauly D outlines reason #474747 why i will never ever no never live in California.

Rating: 3.4/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (12)
ignis fatuous
Posted by Cadet Happy at 07:01 PM | Email This

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Rating: 3.0/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (8) | ignis fatuous
RWD's News Round Up - Thursday
Posted by RightWingDuck at 06:06 PM | Email This

Hello Everyone,

I'm RightWingDuck with today's news roundup.

President Bush has just finished his trip meeting with foreign leaders.

Not the way John Kerry meets with foreign leaders; these people weren't imaginary.

The president met with European Union leaders asking them not to sell weapons to China.

Jacques Chirac smirked, “What harm could they possibly do with such a small purchase of Taiwan Busters?”

Meeting with Vladimir Putin, they agreed that Iran shouldn’t develop nuclear weapons. No mention of the word PURCHASE! But it’s a step in the right direction.

Vladimir said that Russia would do Democracy their way. A new Democracy, where each gives according to his abilities, and all receive according to their needs.

A Virginia man has been charged in a plot to assassinate President Bush.
The young man is a Valedictorian graduate from a Saudi School here in the United States.

Are we surprised by this?

It was probably on his college application!!

"You have a very impressive application."
"Yes, my goal is to assassinate President Bush."
"Very impressive. Can we help you with anything? Scholarship? Transportation? Bullets?"
"No, I just need to a different job."
(Picking up the phone) That much hatred for Bush - I know just the person to hire you- Hello, Eason?"

President Bush insisted there was nothing to worry about. As a gesture of goodwill, he even signed the young mans book, “How to Assassinate The President – for dummies.”

I think it’s important that we take our security seriously.

We should start by renaming stuff.

Representative Charles Rangel Tuesday that it was an act of discrimination to label groups like Hezbollah "Islamic terrorists."

Here’s my favorite part… "When we had the Ku Klux Klan we didn't call them Baptist terrorists. When Hitler was killing Jews, we didn't call it Christian terrorists."

I love it! Hitler was a Christian? I guess it’s all relative..

I mean, somewhere in America there’s a 900 pound man that looks at Michael Moore and says, “How does Michael keep such a trim figure?”

I can understand how ultra-liberals could confuse Hitler with a Christian. Sure, he murdered 6 million Jews, but he buried the bodies. “What a Christian”, they say.

When they pull the feeding tube on Terri Schiavo, and let her starve, I’m sure they’ll roll her carcass onto the street for street cleaning day.

I’m sure Rangel would admire this Christian act.

BTW, we still have the KKK, and we don’t call them Baptists – we call them Senator.

Time is running out for Terri Schiavo.

You know, I actually thought of a great solution!

Maybe the best answer is to accuse her of a crime and then have her arrested.

Sounds cruel, I know. But at least this way, she might get some healthcare – and at least a minimal amount of therapy – how else could she answer the charges?

Now, the ‘victim’ would have to be a black person. This way we’d have Al Sharpton there saying that a black person’s rights were violated by this woman pretending to be vega-tose. He'd be careful not to call her a Vegatose Christian.

Hurray, maybe finally there would be a liberal organization that gave a crap!!

Oh, man. I’m doing it again.

Think about puppies. Think about puppies.

In India, two little boys and two girls were each married off – not to each other – but to puppies. It was a special ceremony to ward off evil.

They were all happy with their puppies except for one boy who cried because - “My puppy is coyote ugly.”

Besides, how often do you hear a toddler ask, “How did I get stuck with this bitch?”

According to the Daily News of Pakistan, “neighbors and relatives of the four children danced to music performed by the band before the marriages were solemnized with puppies of the opposite sex.”

What song do you play for something like this? “Who let the dogs out?”

“I need to ward off evil. How much is that puppy in the window?”


Reports are showing that a chemical found in rocket fuel is being detected in breast milk.

Yes, it is being found in quantities that are not considered safe.

Evidently, they had always suspected something was wrong.

"Sweetheart, do you have to go potty?"
"Yes, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. ooops. Blasting off!"

Of course there were other hints as well.

"Is everything coming out okay?"
"Uh, Houston, we have a problem."

This is wild. We have a chemical from rocket fuel in a mother’s breast milk!!

Authorities are stressing that this doesn’t mean that a mother should automatically turn to baby formula. Yep, that’s right. Baby formula normally has too much diesel!

Wild, huh? Hopefully we can get those rocket fuel chemicals down to a healthy level. Man, you never know what can get you sick.

Careful out there. There is a new cell phone virus going around.

If you have a phone with BlueTooth wireless technology, you can get it if you walk within 100 feet of an infected phone. Basically, the virus puts weird messages on your screen.

Be careful, if you get the virus twice, you end up with pictures of Paris Hilton.

Authorities are worried. They’re concerned that the virus might mutate and affect the population of IPODS!

Well, why isn’t congress doing something? We need Nationalized Phone Healthcare!

**

Folks, I have a special request. My time schedule doesn't allow for to much web surfing. So- it's IMAO reader involvement time. If you read a newsblurb out there that might interest people - pass it on to me. It doesn't have to be funny to be newsworthy. Anything can be made funny. If you're a blogger, make sure you include your blog address for proper linkage.

You can reach me at rightwingduckatyahoocom. Include the word "Roundup" in the subject line.

As always, please post your favorite joke in comments. I'll try to tone it down, hopefully with other news stories I can get away from being too political.

Rating: 2.7/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (18) | News Round-Up
The Next Way To Space
Posted by spacemonkey at 04:03 PM | Email This

***Warning!!!! (Mostly) Non-Political Humor Ahead.***

What will be the next way to space?
Rockets? We're using those now so 'next' doesn't exactly apply. But since I brought them up, they are too expensive and too dangerous. And they are inconvenient, you have to endure all those gut-wrenching G forces,
"Hello lunch. Its... been a while."

Then there's the [sigh] fire. All these years have passed and humans are still using FIRE to get to space? Fire is something you yell for fun in a crowded theater, its not for exploring the final frontier.

Space Elevator? Electric, better than fire. But listening to elevator music for over 6 hours is enough to make just about anybody completely Dean out.
"Hmmm, was that the 23rd or the 24th time I've heard 'New York, New York?"
"Do I care?"
"Why do I keep asking myself questions?"
"I don't know."
"Ack! Now I'm answering!"
duh duh dada dada DUH - Start spreading....the news.....-
"Yeaarrrrgh!"
And everybody dies.

And can you imagine standing, waiting, watching the floor indicator for that long either? No amount of small talk can fill a 6 hour elevator ride.
"Nice weather we're having."
"Yeah."
"I wonder if the weather will be nice up at the space station."
"Umm, There's no weather in space."
"But what about solar flares and coronal mass ejections?"
"Listen PSYCHO, I've got MACE and you are FOUR hours from a drinking fountain. Back off and keep any...mass ejections... to yourself!"
And somebody dies.

People go insane having to wait like that. For many of us, in an enclosed room, insane arrives in MUCH less than six hours. So the unbuilt, scary, space elevator is out.

The next way to space and you heard it here first or possibly elsewhere, is the....

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Rating: 2.5/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (21)
Aquaman's Safety Tips - Car Accidents
Posted by Aquaman at 03:22 PM | Email This

If you're ever in a car accident like Frank J. and find yourself losing control of your vehicle, your best bet is to try and steer your car such that it plunges into the sea. Then, I can save you!

Otherwise, you're on your own.

Rating: 3.0/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Frank J. in "The Accident"
Posted by Frank J. at 01:25 PM | Email This

So, yesterday on my way back from working, I was going ninety through a school zone when suddenly, out of whimsy, I slammed on the brakes and stopped in the middle of an intersection after running a red light.

That was my mistake.

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Rating: 2.6/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (26)
Gratuitous T-Shirt Babe Pic o' the Day
Posted by sarahk at 12:15 PM | Email This

this is from the original I-Wanna-Be-a-T-Shirt-Babe photo shoot, and by this point, i was stinkin' tired and had been through many wardrobe changes...

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Rating: 2.8/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (17)
Who the Hell They Are
Posted by Frank J. at 11:49 AM | Email This

If you want to know who the hell all these "blogger" people think they are, here is your one stop shop. I posted my questions yesterday (and some people answered in the comments; hello! Is following instructions no longer cool?), and here are the answers I received. If you think I missed you, e-mail the link to your answer.

Now your job is to read through these and decide who has the right to have opinions about news and journalism.

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Rating: 2.4/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (20)
One Week of Group Blogging
Posted by Frank J. at 10:04 AM | Email This

Sorry to be late posting; was in a car accident last night. I'm fine though (they have plenty of new livers for those who need them, right?). I'll put up the details soon.

Anyhoo, today marks one week of being a group blog. Last Thursday, Site Meter had our daily average of unique visitors for the previous week was about 6,200. Today, it is 9,722. That's a 157% increase an increase of multiplying by 1.57 a 57% increase! That proves beyond any doubt that IMAO becoming a group blog was the best idea in the history of the universe.

Some work still needs to be done. The sidebar needs to be fixed up to be less Frank-centric plus give you information on the other bloggers so you can bother them. Also, I need to get trackbacks fixed so it stops looking like no one loves us. I'm also thinking we should use the "Read More" option more so it's easier to see all the new posts in one day.

Anyhoo, I'll be putting up links to different bloggers answering my questions later today. Be honorable, ronin.

Rating: 0.7/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (33)
Who the Hell Do I Think I Am - Harvey
Posted by Harvey at 08:17 AM | Email This

Answers to Frank's questions.

1. Who the hell do you think you are?

I am Arthur! King of the Britons!... at least until my meds kick in.

2. So, other than blogging, what's your job? Do you work at some fast food joint, dumbass?

I work at a bank where I make sure that women and minorities don't borrow our precious money. And if I worked at a fast food joint, I'd dry my armpits with your napkins and spit in your fries. But only if your name were Ted Rall.

3. Do you have like any experience in journalism, idiot?

I used to deliver newspapers. Cheered up a few lonely housewives while I was doing it, too. I think one was Ted Rall's mom.

4. Do you even read newspapers?

*I* don't, but my parrot does. If by "read", you mean "crap on".

5. Do you watch any other news than FOX News propaganda, you ignorant fool?

Does the Playboy Channel count?

6. I bet you're some moron talk radio listener too, huh?

"Moron Talk Radio"? OH! Air America! Yeah, I listen to that on occasion. Say, does Al Franken's little sidekick Katherine Lanpher remind anyone else of Salcious Crumb, with her constant shrieks of sycophantic laughter? "EEEE-HE-HE-HE-HE-HE! Al make funny!"

7. So, do you get a fax from the GOP each day for what to say, you @#$% Republican parrot?

My parrot reads newspapers, not faxes. See item #4

8. Why do you and your blogger friends want to silence and fire everyone who disagrees with you, fascist?

Because they interrupt me while I'm watching the Playboy Channel.

9. Are you completely ignorant of other countries, or do you actually own a passport?

I know a LOT about Belgium, and my passport was a 90,000 ton aircraft carrier.

10. Have you even been to another country, you dumb hick?

Yes. Mostly to support the local international fornication establishments, but still, yes.

11. If you're so keen on the war, why haven't you signed up, chickenhawk?

Been there. Done that. Got the National Defense Service Medal.

12. Do you have any idea of the horrors of war? Have you ever reached into a pile of goo that was your best friend's face?

Sorry, I was a Sailor, so I didn't see many goo-piles. However I *did* once reach into a shark's mouth to retrieve the leg he'd just bitten off of me. Then I beat him to death with it. Teach HIM to interrupt my Playboy Channel watching.

13. Have you ever reached into any pile of goo?

Yes. See item #10.

14. Once again, who the hell do you think you are?!

I’m strong to the finish
'cuz I eats me spinach
Don’t F*** with the sailor man!
TOOT! TOOT!

Rating: 2.6/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Fun Trivia
Posted by spacemonkey at 01:33 AM | Email This

Who were the winners of the recently posted all-leftist 2004 Koufax Awards?

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Rating: 1.7/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (10) | Fun Trivia
February 23, 2005
Links of the Day
Posted by sarahk at 11:17 PM | Email This

the evil fake sarahK (aka sirkisser, aka Cadet Happy) has a picture of me at my latest job. i didn't know Minerva could dance so well! btw, my high school mascot is the Highlander, which makes this hysterical to me.

Tim Blair has the real story behind Karl Rove and how he owns the conservative agenda.

phin has a list of home remedies. i think Ted Rall should try them all.

Rating: 2.1/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Who the [Creme Brulee] Do I Think I Am? - SarahK
Posted by sarahk at 11:16 PM | Email This

Frank J said we all have to answer these questions if we want to prove ourselves to be real bloggers. So...

1. Who the [creme brulee] do you think you are?

do i have to capitalize? ok, fine. I’m the lovely and talented SarahK. Sweetest and bestest T-Shirt Babe in the blogosphere, ALIAS freak, blogger.

Read More...


Rating: 2.9/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (15)
Iraq's To-Do List
Posted by Harvey at 09:18 PM | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

After 30 years of brutal oppression, the Iraqi people are finally free to build a decent society based on the principles of freedom, liberty, democracy, and nickel-beer nights. It's a daunting task, and there's a lot to get done.

Fortunately, the Iraqi government has published this handy to-do list so that everyone can be on the same page during the nation's reconstruction:


* Institute "T-shirts for terrorists" program. Turn in a terrorist and a get a free "Nuke the Moon T-shirt".

* [subliminal message]T-shirt good! You buy now![/subliminal message]

* Send "Thank-You" cards to America, Britain, Australia, and Poland.

* Send "F***-You" cards to France, Germany, and Russia

* Invite the human-shield hippy dirtbags to hang out by the Iraqi police stations.

* Invade and conquer Syria and Iran.

* Wait... that was from America's to-do list. My bad.

* Have Saddam appear on TV and issue a formal apology to the Iraqi people by doing the Happy Dance at the end of a rope.

* Change the name of the country to "Irack", because that final "q" just looks freaky without a "u" after it.

* Release a new x-rated video.

* Oops... that's Paris Hilton's list. Nevermind.

* Revamp Iraqi currency. Replace camel with camel-toe.

* Be careful Googling that one.

* Legalize wet burkha contests.

* Free lap-dances for all Coalition troops!

* Wait... I promised I wouldn't make any more lap-dance posts, didn't I? Scratch that one.

* Shut down "T-shirts for journalists" program, since America has already bagged its limit.

* Rename the Tigris & Euphrates rivers the "Mc" and "Donald's" - if the price is right.

* Buy more "Nuke the Moon" T-shirts. Did I mention they were 100% preshrunk heavyweight cotton?

* 20% of net sales revenue, why?

* More tax cuts and dead terrorists.

* Yeah, they stole that one from America's list, but we'll let it go this time ;-)


That's everything from the official list. If you've got more suggestions, leave them in the comments and I'll pass them along.

...If you buy a Nuke the Moon T-shirt.

Rating: 2.4/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (11) | Precision Guided Humor Assignments
RWD's News Roundup - Wednesday
Posted by RightWingDuck at 08:57 PM | Email This

Hello, I'm RightWingDuck

Let’s talk about the news and what is going on in this happy little world.

A judge ordered an extension of the stay in the Terry Schiavo Right-To-Die case. He is considering ordering tests to see just how damaged her brain really is. At stake is whether or not they will pull her feeding tube.

A right-to-die case? Calling the Schiavo case “A right-to-die case” is like calling the Scott Peterson trial a 'domestic dispute'.

The husband, Michael, won a court settlement and said he would use the money to take care of his wife. I guess we misunderstood the phrase “take care of.”

The only thing he’s done with the money is pay for lawyers to let her starve. I’m reminded of that great Simpsons’ line. “I’ve tried nothing and I’m all out of options.”

The media insists on calling this woman brain dead, except for her ability to recognize people and smile at her loved ones - she's a total vegetable.

Not that we see that too much because her parents aren’t allowed to see her, she’s not allowed to have pictures on the wall, or even flowers.

Ironic, if she were at Guantanomo - being starved would be considered cruel.

Hollywood should make a movie about this!!!

Oh, wait, they did. And it’s up for an Oscar.

Michael Schiavo will star in "Sugar Baby II, I Finally Killed My Wife - and Married My Lover".

Of course, the Oscars are coming up and Hollywood is getting ready to address all of the important social issues – like Bush Bashing!

The LA Weekly is reporting that comedian Chris Rock will be going after Bush. Wow, how original. The report also shows a strong repertoire of Mother-in-Law jokes.

Oh, Hollywood. You kill me! Or you would if I was on a feeding tube!

Okay. Enough about that.

Los Angeles has been devastated by the rainstorms. City officials are seeking to have Los Angeles declared a disaster area.

See, growing up, my mother would always say, “This room is a disaster area!”
I didn’t know you could get money because of it. Man, I wish I could go back!

“This room is a disaster area! Do you know what that means young man?”

“That I qualify for low or no interest federally subsidized loans?”

The rains have flooded freeways everywhere. The other day, Governor Schwarzenegger toured the devastation – in his yacht – the I Hate Girlie Men.

In the Michael Jackson case, the jury selection is now complete. Funny. No black people on the jury: 4 men, 8 women, 7 whites, 4 Hispanics, and 1 Asian.

I forget – is Michael white or Asian?

I have to ask: Is that a good sign from your lawyer?

“No blacks? Why are we doing that?”
“When we lose, Michael– we want to blame racism.”
“What do you mean- WHEN we lose?”
“Did I say when? I meant IF. IF we lose. By the way, can you pay me in advance?”

Michael faces Child Molestation charges Or as the media calls it – A Freedom-of-expression case!!

In lighter news, Miss America has no network sponsor.

AWWWWW.

It seems that they might try their hand at making Miss America into a reality show.

Fake boobs, capped teeth, packaged answers.… yep,your either watching a reality show -or the Oscars.

They already have two sponsors lined up: Duct tape and Vaseline.

I could just see it now: Reality TV rules with Beauty Pageant basics:

“Miss North Carolina, what would you do to promote world peace?”
“What? Screw you, that’s a stupid question. I won the immunity challenge!!”
“Uh, no. That was Miss South Carolina.”
“Really? Oh, I mean, I would make sure all the orphanages had warm milk.”

Jessica Simpson was hospitalized briefly with a stomach virus.

Doctors speculate she may have contracted the virus after listening to her own music.

Just kidding.

I love Jessica Simpson – very pretty lady. She may not be a great singer, but I am looking forward to her duet with William Hung.

Thank you, Jessica. “Take My Breath Away” was one of my favorite songs before she ‘catterwalled’ it - or as they say, gave it a right-to-die.

In Florida, a boy was suspended from school over a rubber band incident. According to the boys mother, a teacher demanded the boy turn over a rubber band, which he had been wearing on his wrist. He disagreed, but tossed the rubber band onto the teacher’s desk.

They said if he would have aimed it a little more and he would have gotten it closer to her face he would have hit her in the eye," mother Jenette Rojas said.

Does that mean she can sue the school for sexual assault? Sure, all they do is hand out condoms, but if used in the wrong way - you never know what could happen!!

**

I know you’ve heard about this one.. A teacher has apologized for having students send hate mail to GI’s overseas.

Can you imagine that? You’re in South Korea, you get this packet of mail with these cute little crayon drawings and you open the first one…

“Dear Soldier, my name is Billy. I’m six years old. Will you be over there long? I’d like to live to be seven! Don’t come back.”

“Dear Baby Killer. You kill babies. That makes me sad. Do you like apples?”

"What the heck is this?!!"

To make up for it, the class will now be sending letters of apology.

"Oh, look! Apology letters."

Dear Soldier, I’m sorry you’re a baby killer.

Awww. How sweet. How can you be angry with that? Don’t you just love little kids?

News reports show that that little Aiko, the three year old princess from Japan, could in fact one day become queen.

Well, it wasn’t an official statement, but it came through informal channels.

Her grandma and her grandpa were sitting by the fire.
Her grandpa said to her grandma –
hey now, hey now
It could be Aiko, Aiko one day!!

Jackomo fino anane

Hahahahhahahahahaha.

Sorry. It was funny at three o’clock this morning!!

Patience please.

The Queen of England will not be attending Prince Charles’ wedding.

This made the front page of all the British papers.

Everything has been smoothed over. Turns out, she thought Camilla Parker Bowles was really a man!

She still won’t attend the civil wedding. In her defense, do you know how HARD it is to get that hair appointment with Andre?

Is that how we see weddings?

"I'm sorry to miss it, son. I'll make it up to you. I'll catch the next one."

**

Thanks

As always, I appreciate your time. Please take a moment and list your favorite joke in comments. Remember, I can't hear you laugh.

Rating: 3.1/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (11) | News Round-Up
Who the Hell Do I Think I Am - Aquaman
Posted by Aquaman at 04:22 PM | Email This

Some mighty questions have been posed to bloggers such as I, but I fear no challenge!

1. Who the hell do you think you are?

I am none other than...

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Rating: 3.0/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (18) | Aqua-Adventures
Who the [bleep] do I think I am - Spacemonkey
Posted by spacemonkey at 03:07 PM | Email This

My answers to Franks questions.

1. Who the [bleep] do you think you are?

I think I are, um, am spacemonkey. Didn't you read my nametag?

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Rating: 2.5/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (10)
RWD - Who The Hell Am I?
Posted by RightWingDuck at 02:33 PM | Email This

Hello Readers,

RightWingDuck here. Having read Frank J's answers below, I felt compelled to answer the questions as well. That and he emailed us asking us to answer. Sheesh, you think he owns this blog or somethi-- oh, yeah.

THE "WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?" BLOGGER QUIZ

1. Who the hell do you think you are?

I am RightWingDuck. Defender of all that is good. Mocker of all that is stupid.

2. So, other than blogging, what's your job? Do you work at some fast food joint, dumbass?

Here in LA we don’t call it a job, we call it ‘trabajo’. Why? Are you hiring? My goal is to work as a professional dumbass. So, I’m well on the way.

3. Do you have like any experience in journalism, idiot?

I read the Playboy Women of Journalism issue 33 times. I would have read it more but the pages got stuck together – for some odd reason.

4. Do you even read newspapers?

Do I ‘even read’ them? I use them for bird cage liners, for paper hats, and for making Pinatas. Whacking piñatas is like whacking liberals except that you get candy instead of all this red goo.

5. Do you watch any other news than FOX News propaganda, you ignorant fool?

Fox told me you would ask that. Boy is there anything those newsbabes don’t know? I live in Los Angeles – I prefer to watch the shows that have the biggest boobs. So yes, that means I watch Dan Rather.

6. I bet you're some moron talk radio listener too, huh?

My radio is stuck on the traffic channel you five lane pile-up. D’oh. See, what happens when you buy a stereo made in the Ukraine?

7. So, do you get a fax from the GOP each day for what to say, you @#$% Republican parrot?

I don’t know what to say to that. My fax is broken. Can I answer that once my GOP talking points memo arrives?

8. Why do you and your blogger friends want to silence and fire everyone who disagrees with you, fascist?

We don’t MEAN to silence them. That’s just what happens when we ask them to offer facts instead of accusations. The silence is deafening. The joy - never ending.

9. Are you completely ignorant of other countries, or do you actually own a passport?

I love other countries. I’m hoping we can collect the whole set.

10. Have you even been to another country, you dumb hick?

This is Los Angeles. I’ve been to Koreatown, Japantown, Chinatown.. we have it all here. Not to mention Pizza Hut, Jacques in the Box, and my favorite Irish place, McDonalds.

11. If you're so keen on the war, why haven't you signed up, chickenhawk?

Four years United States Army – hooowah.I knew a chicken hawk once; he kept bringing Foghorn Leghorn over for dinner.

BTW, if you believe in the Insurgents so much why don't you join them? - I believe they are accepting applications. What size suicide vest do you wear?

12. Do you have any idea of the horrors of war? Have you ever reached into a pile of goo that was your best friend's face?

Funny, they just announced that they are no longer identifying bodies from the 9/11 tower’s collapse. Most relatives would have been happy to have some 'goo' to bury.

But to answer the question directly, my best friend in the Army had the worst acne. His face was a huge pile of goo all the time. One time, he was accidentally shot on the range, and his complexion cleared up. Mostly because he died. Those funeral guys did a great job.

13. Have you ever reached into any pile of goo?

Are we still talking about whether or not I read newspapers?

14. Once again, who the hell do you think you are?!

I am RightWingDuck. Defender of the downtrodden, fighter against all that is stupid. Would you like fries with that?

Rating: 2.2/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Gratuitous T-Shirt Babe Pic o' the Day
Posted by sarahk at 12:27 PM | Email This

ok, ok. i didn't post a pic o' the day yesterday, so here's a double shot for you, me with the Little Sizzle. sorry, the one where she had her eyes open was blurry. :-)

Read More...


Rating: 2.5/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (14)
Who the Hell Do I Think I Am - Frank J.
Posted by Frank J. at 12:20 PM | Email This

Answers to my questions.

1. Who the hell do you think you are?

I am the great Frank J., master of all I see!

2. So, other than blogging, what's your job? Do you work at some fast food joint, dumbass?

I'm an engineer. I make electricity do happy things.

3. Do you have like any experience in journalism, idiot?

I wrote editorials for my college newspaper which were rated from "crappy" to "not quite as crappy."

4. Do you even read newspapers?

Can't risk getting ink smudged on my fingers and clothes.

5. Do you watch any other news than FOX News propaganda, you ignorant fool?

No. The people on other news networks are ugly and smell.

6. I bet you're some moron talk radio listener too, huh?

I get all my opinions from Rush Limbaugh. I'm also hooked on Oxycotin.

7. So, do you get a fax from the GOP each day for what to say, you @#$% Republican parrot?

I never figured out how to set up my home printer as a fax.

8. Why do you and your blogger friends want to silence and fire everyone who disagrees with you, fascist?

I don't want them fired; I want them DEAD!

9. Are you completely ignorant of other countries, or do you actually own a passport?

I own a passport I stole from a French tourist.

10. Have you even been to another country, you dumb hick?

I've been to Canada, but it felt weird there and I didn't like it. I kissed the soil when I crossed the border back to the good 'ole U.S. of A.

11. If you're so keen on the war, why haven't you signed up, chickenhawk?

'cause I don't wanna.

12. Do you have any idea of the horrors of war? Have you ever reached into a pile of goo that was your best friend's face?

I don't have any friends.

13. Have you ever reached into any pile of goo?

I once reached into a container filled with a non-conductive liquid used for cooling super-computers. It felt weird.

I still fantasize about it to this day.

14. Once again, who the hell do you think you are?!

I am Frank J., master of humor and the blogosphere. Cross me and pay dearly!

Rating: 3.5/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (14)
ignis fatuous
Posted by Cadet Happy at 12:19 PM | Email This

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Rating: 2.6/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (10) | ignis fatuous
Who the Hell Do You Think You Bloggers Are?
Posted by Frank J. at 12:11 PM | Email This

The mainstream media is pretty convinced we bloggers are an unruly, vicious sort. Why, as spacemonkey pointed out, even Ted Rall is questioning whether we're informed enough to have opinions of our own. And, when a piss-poor cartoonist is questioning your qualification to have opinions on political matters, you know you're in trouble.

I think it's time for all us bloggers to prove whether we really are qualified to have opinions. That's why I made...

Read More...


Rating: 2.0/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (66)
Fun Trivia
Posted by Aquaman at 10:24 AM | Email This

Why do so many superheroes wear masks?

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Rating: 2.4/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (21) | Fun Trivia
Congratulations - You Pissed Me Off
Posted by Frank J. at 09:00 AM | Email This

A few things are making me mad, so I thought I'd sound off:

* Pick on Someone Your Own Size: Sixth-graders in Brooklyn wrote a soldier in Korea a number of letters of hate-filled screeds. Who knows if they wrote these on their own or were coached by their teacher or parents (well, I guess someone could "ask" or "investigate," but what do you expect?). Anyway, I have a solution. Our troops should organize all the good sixth-graders they know to converge on those Brooklyn sixth-graders and give them a free lesson in “civics.”

"You got a message for our soldiers? Well, I got a message for you RIGHT HERE ON THIS BAT!"

* If You're Going to Kill Someone, Then Kill Someone: I dunno if you know about the Terry Schiavo case; it's of course big news here in Florida (the local rock station was spending the morning talking about it instead of jokes about smoking weed). There is a link in the Links of the Day™ a few posts down, but lemme sum it up for you. Terry Schiavo is brain-dead or comatose or something (it really doesn't matter for the point I'm making) and her husband wants to cut off her life-support while her parents want her to continue living. Now, the husband, despite the efforts of the parents and governor Jeb, has almost finally secured the rights to kill Schiavo. So here is what he plans to do; cut off her feeding tube so she starves and dehydrates to death.

What the @#$%?

You wouldn't even starve a dog to death, so why is it considered humane to do it to a human? If Michael Schiavo is willing to take an action - cutting off her life support - to kill her, why doesn't he really just be a man and @#$% kill her. Take her out back the hospital and put a bullet in her head, for God's sake. I know I'd rather have my brains blown out than starve and dehydrate to death (you try either, though, it's you going down!).

* Who Is More Foolish: the Fool, or the Fool Who Follows Him?: Rep. Maurice Hinchey is a freak'n 'tard. He should be wearing a tinfoil hat and posting on Democratic Underground, not voting in Congress. He lays out this conspiracy theory that Karl Rove gave the fake documents in Rathergate to make CBS News look (more) like idiots, but admits he has no proof. It's just his "belief." And he thinks these charges with no evidence behind them are so important they need investigating.

Is this guy even dumber than Cynthia McKinney?

But this is a Republic, so the real blame lies on those who vote for that idiot. I say that, after our roving band of sixth-graders are done "educating" the kids in Brooklyn, they should head on over to Hinchey's district and do some more "teaching."

"You like voting for Hinchey, huh? Well, let's see how you vote for him next time WHEN YOU AIN'T GOT NO KNEECAPS!"

Is there anything a roving band of violent sixth-graders can't solve?

...I mean other than an algebra problem.

Rating: 3.2/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (25)
Totally True Tidbits About Belgium
Posted by Harvey at 08:29 AM | Email This

President Bush finished up his trip to Belgium, where he spent the last several days doing the diplomatic equivalent of Frank J's Happy Dance and making the Europeans look like the terrorist-coddling schmucks that they are.

Sadly, though, in a recent survey of American adults, 90% of respondents could NOT find Belgium on a map of Europe (50% selected France, and 40% chose Rand-McNally).

Even worse, when asked "What is Belgium?", 75% picked "The University of Wisconsin - Madison football team".

Here at IMAO, we believe that the only way to fight such appalling ignorance is with MORE appalling ignorance, and thus present these:

TOTALLY TRUE TIDBITS ABOUT BELGIUM



* Belgium is a small European country whose main exports include chocolate, waffles, and socialism.

* Belgium is one of the oldest countries in Europe, richly steeped in culture and tradition which has hardly changed from its quaint, 14th century beginnings. Mostly because all the innovators left for America centuries ago, leaving nothing behind but "short bus" people.

* Not all Belgians are socialists, but all socialists are Belgians.

* Wait... I was thinking of rectangles and squares. Nevermind.

#5 The official language of Belgium is German, which was adopted in 1939 on the theory that it's always best to embrace the inevitable.

* On a related note, no one in Belgium has ever bothered to learn French.

* But you Belgiuminians might want to start learning English (see tidbit #5)

* Get some oil for us to steal, first, though.

* Heh. I said "first".

* The capital of Belgium is Brussels, which was named after the brussel sprout because - like the vegetable - the city is disgusting and smells like urine.

* Belgium covers approximately 30,000 square miles - about the size of Michael Moore's breakfast spread.

*Belgians are normally friendly, good-natured creatures, but have been known to savagely attack humans if provoked by, for example, making sudden movements or invading Iraq.

* The headquarters of the European Union is in Brussels because socialists are disgusting and enjoy the smell of urine.

* The national pasttime of Belgium is "Commie-Ball", a game where each team tries to steal the other team's equipment and re-distribute it to the spectators.

* In America, this game is known as "Congress-Ball".

* In Texas, they play a version called "Get-Offa-My-Land-Afore-I-Blows-Yer-Head-Off-Ball"

* Here in Wisconsin, we just drink beer & eat cheese, but we'd watch Commie-Ball if one of the players were named Favre.

* Despite being traitorous, back-stabbing terrorist-coddlers, Belgium is NOT part of the Axis of Weasels. However it may get tapped to fill the opening once we nuke France.

* Oh yeah, Froggie, you're on the list.


I hope you found that as enlightening as *I* did. I didn't know HALF this stuff until I just now made it up. If you have any appalling ignorance you'd like to add, please feel free to do so in the comments.

IMAO - Fighting ignorance, one fact(ish) at a time.

Rating: 3.4/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (32) | Totally True Tidbits
February 22, 2005
Rall's Latest Excretion
Posted by spacemonkey at 10:52 PM | Email This

Ted Rall takes a few cracks at right wing blogger-types and proves he is the BUTT who watches the watchdogs. Read the hole thing.

Rating: 3.1/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (23)
Links of the Day
Posted by sarahk at 10:07 PM | Email This

not to toot my own horn, but SarahK has the first part of her account of the Bad Example Family (&Friends) Reunion up.

ooh! have them do battle, and watch Condi kick some evil butt! (Frank says i have to give a hat tip to Michelle Malkin.)

also, this is a local thing for us here in Florida but of national interest. Tuning Spork has much-needed coverage on the Terry Schiavo case. her horrible husband keeps trying to kill her, because he's a selfish b**tard who cares only about himself. Tuning Spork also has several good links related to the case.

Rating: 2.3/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (10)
RWD's New Roundup-Tuesday
Posted by RightWingDuck at 05:48 PM | Email This

Welcome to IMAO, Ladies and Gentlemen.

I'm RightWingDuck and I'm here to talk about what's happening in the world today.

Here in California, the big news is the rainstorm that is setting records everywhere.

In fact, as an emergency plan, the LA City Council was going to make an ark and put two of every animal in it. Unfortunately, a big stink was raised when local politicians found out that the animal pairs were all heterosexual!

So now it’s caught up in petty bickering.

What’s strange about the California real estate market is this - if you see a house with a red tag it doesn’t mean its on sale!

Sadly, many homes here have been ‘red tagged’ – meaning they are marked for demolition. Usually, these are homes that are sliding or are about to slide into other homes.

Sure, California has class. But we still have mobile homes.

Oh, and now they’re saying we might get tornados!! Man, those mobile homes would come in handy right now. We need decoys!!

**
New York has the Gates exhibit up for the next few days.

It is put on by the artist Cristo. This exhibit features over 46 miles of brightly colored cloth in individual segments along all of the footpaths.

When torn down, the panels will be sold to Michael Moore – so he can make a pair of pants.

New York rolled out the red carpet for Olympic Officials.

It didn’t go as smoothly as the NY officials had hoped. On the first day, the Olympic committee was witness to an actual crime.

Good news. The New Yorkers played it off very smoothly. In fact so smoothly, that NY might be the one to introduce a new Olympic Event: Purse Snatching.

It’ll be cool. Snatch a purse and run the 100 yard dash through a busy crowd.

And if you use actual Olympic fans for the crowd, not only is it a great athletic event – and a wonderful way to give the people a great view.

But not in NY, cause normally people don’t see anything.

It’s going to take a lot of work to bring the Olympics to New York. Utah did it – but they had a secret weapon – bribe money!

“Welcome to New York. The World’s Second Home.”
“I’m poor. I don’t have a second home.”
“Hmmm. Well, looky what I have here.. .a set of keys!”

**

A poll is out showing that America just might be ready for a female president.

The Democrats are squealing with delight – and that’s just John Edwards.

Don’t get too excited folks. This is just the media's attempt to get people ready for the other Clinton. Don't believe me? The other poll question was, “Would you vote for somebody whose name rhymed with Nillory Hinton?”

A female president would be cool. We wouldn’t have to pay her as much.

Downside, it would be rough work on the Secret Service. They’d spend most of their time moving furniture.

**

Bush visited with French President Jacques Chirac. They had dinner of Lobster Risotto. It was all going well until George said, “Man, this is great Freedom Food.”

This trip is really showing us the nature of our allies. The Belgian government uses little George Bush targets in all of their government building urinals.


So these stickers are in all the urinals, but do you want to hear the really embarrassing news? The stickers were a Democratic fundraiser.

Nobody minded, however there was however a moment of awkwardness when George went to the local restroom.

He stood in front of it and paused. Finally he said, “Wow, these urinals are so clean; I can see my face in these!”

**

The FBI believes that Paris Hilton may have lost her cell phone password for her T-Mobile Sidekick. As you know, her phone was hacked and the information was posted on the internet, including her digital pictures and a bunch of celebrity phone numbers.

I blame T-mobile. The manual says, “Guard your password the way you would guard your virtue” See, that was a mistake. This girl isn’t modest.

About the only thing you can’t find online is the latest Paris Hilton Pap smear.

But then you look at digital picture number 12.. and there it is.

**

New York is hosting a toy fair.

Did you know that Monopoly has been around for 75 years? In fact, today, John Kerry asked Congress to investigate how Monopoly could have a monopoly for such a long period of time.

All is going good.

There was some difficulty when they kept finding the Lindsay Lohan dolls at the open bar… but otherwise all is going smoothly.

Of course, all of the action figures are wearing yellow ribbons – to remember the GI Joe who was taken prisoner.

**

The British are trying to recruit more gay people into their navy. That is so Fabu!

In England, you are allowed to serve if you are openly gay. Now, the navy is reaching out by taking out ads in gay magazines.

This has inspired ad campaigns such as:

“Shower with 50 men” and “Not a woman in sight for miles and miles”

My favorite: “Do you love seamen as much as we do? We may have the right career for you…”

***


At one of her farewell concerts, Cher called Britney and J-Lo ‘Ho’s”. I know there is an age difference, but hardly worth the name calling. They are all artists. Britney starred in Crossroads, J-Lo starred in a few films, and Cher inspired the all time classic movie- To Wong Foo.

Thankfully, Cher said all of this at her farewell tour in front of 20,000 people.

They weren’t fans, they just wanted to make sure she was really leaving this time.

BTW, technically, J-Lo is not a ‘ho’. Sure, she’s slept with 63 different men – however, in each case, she was married to them!

**
A new survey shows that parents are very blasé about their kids drug use.
They’re saying that since parents probably tried drugs, they don’t see it as a big deal.

Is this how far we’ve come?

“I found these drugs in your drawer. Where did you get these drugs?”
“Billy’s Dad…”
“This is poison. Billy’s dad sells poison! You should buy from Johnny’s dad. He's got the really good stuff.”

I can just see the new ads already.

This is your brain.
This is your brain on drugs.
This is your dad telling you to hurry up and eat your brains.

**

That's all folks.

Thanks for dropping by. Remember - if anything made you laugh (and something did because you're not made out of stone, right?) go ahead and mention your favorite joke in comments.

Rating: 2.5/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (30)
The Case of the Rathergate Frame-Up
Posted by Aquaman at 01:41 PM | Email This

Hello, Aquafans.

Now that I'm a blogger, it seems it's time for me to dabble in the insidious world of politics. A good place to start appeared to be with the story of Congressman Maurice Hinchey. He is sure that the dastardly Karl Rove planted the fake memos with CBS News to create a distraction and ruin the career of the revered Dan Rather. But, even Hinchey admits he has no proof.

Needs proof, eh? This sounds like a job for...

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Rating: 2.5/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (17) | Aqua-Adventures
Ronin Thought of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 12:30 PM | Email This

From the great samurai philosopher Dr. Seuss:

I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind.
Some come from ahead,
and some come from behind.
But I've bought a big bat.
I'm all ready you see.
Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!

Reflect on this and be at peace.

(much praise to my Silly Sister Sarah for sending me this quote)

Rating: 2.6/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (4) | Ronin Thought of the Day
ignis fatuous
Posted by Cadet Happy at 11:20 AM | Email This

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Rating: 2.4/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (24) | ignis fatuous
Fun Trivia
Posted by Aquaman at 10:45 AM | Email This

How much of the world is covered in water?

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Rating: 2.8/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (16) | Fun Trivia
In My World: Un-Poofy Part III
Posted by Frank J. at 09:02 AM | Email This

Part I
Part II

* * * *

"So what countries are Bush bringing to the multilateral talks with North Korea?"

"Uh... other ones," White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan answered.

"Why does Bush want to kill Iraqi children?" Helen Thomas screeched, "Why is he planning to attack Iraq and kill Iraqi children? What did they ever do to him?"

"The main attack on Iraq has been over for quite some time, Helen," Scott answered, "Have you been taking your pills?"

"Don't avoid the questions, Ari!" she shot back.

"Someone please watch that woman," Scott pleaded. "Any more questions?"

"Why is Attorney General Alberto Gonzales running around in a poncho and sombrero tasering people until they admit to being terrorists?"

"Every Attorney General has to find his own style," Scott responded.

"And why does he have a thick Mexican accent now when he didn't before?"

"That was Bush's idea, actually. I'll take one more question."

"New tapes revealed that Bush did use marijuana. Does he not never use no marijuana now?"

"No," Scott answered firmly, then looked a little confused, "Or yes... or... uh... could you repeat that? Actually, let me just make this statement: The President of the United States does not use drugs."

* * * *

Bush held out a joint to President Joseph Urusemal of Micronesia. "Want to get high? All the cool presidents do it."

"Uh... no thanks."

"Good," Bush said as he put it away, "because then I'd have to strangle you. We need to set a good example to the kids."

"That's so right, President Bush. You are very smart!"

"Could you stop sucking up for a second, Joey? It's getting tiresome."

A stewardess walked by. "Please put your seats into their upright and locked position in preparation for landing."

"I don't have to do jack! I'm the president!" Bush shouted.

The stewardess huffed off.

"You see that, Joey? That's power," Bush said smugly as he lay back in his seat.

* * * *

"Ow! My neck!" Bush exclaimed as he stumbled off the plane, "If only I had put my seat in that locked, upright position."

"Maybe I can give you neck rub," Urusemal suggested.

"Get away from me, Joey. Let's just get into town and talk to that poofy-haired dork."

As they got further into town, Bush took in the surroundings. "Certainly not like I expected North Korea. A lot more Muslims. A lot less Asians. And then there is that 'Unwelcome to Iran' sign." Bush slapped his forehead. "Dagnabbit! I should have never have taken Air Force Four just to save money."

As Bush and Urusemal walked into the center of town, they found themselves surrounded by angry looking Muslim clerics.

"Hey I'm sorry I didn't veil myself or whatever it is you need me to do to go with the belief system of you freaks," Bush said.

"We are the mad mullahs," one announced, "We had your flight diverted so we can kill the friend of yours." He pointed to Urusemal.

"Wow!" Urusemal exclaimed excitedly, "No president of Micronesia has been so important before to be targeted for assassination."

"Don't worry, Joey," Bush told him, "These jackasses couldn't kill a fly."

"On the contrary, infidel," one shouted as they all raised their staffs which began to glow, "We were given dark powers by Allah himself!"

"What did Allah look like?" Bush asked curiously.

"He's red, has horns, a forked tail, and the legs of a goat," answered one mullah.

"Sounds like Karl Rove."

The mullah sent a dark blast of power at the feet of Bush and Urusemal, sending them flying back. Bush grabbed the Micronesian and ran into a building for cover.

"Am I going to die?" Urusemal asked, "and, if I do, how will that affect relations between our two countries?"

"I'm not going to let you die," Bush said as he took out a radio, "If I let a head of state die on my watch, they won't ever let me have another." He fiddled with the radio. "If I could only get contact with Iraq, I could get some troops to help us... or more terrorists to kill us."

* * * *

"There's nothing left to target 'cept journalists," Buck the Marine said, moping about the base in Iraq.

"The President is under attack in Iran," Buck's commanding officer announced, "Let' see... Gomez still has paint on him from helping build that school, Johnson is on KP duty, so it's up to you Buck."

"How many Iranians do I need to be fighting, sir?" Buck asked.

"As many as needed! Now get going!"

* * * *

"Do you think it's odd we haven't heard from the president in so long?" Condoleezza Rice asked.

"I think I don't care," Rumsfeld answered.

"How long does he have to be missing until I get to be president?" Cheney asked.

"We can give him another hour or two," Rumsfeld said.

"Let's have a street fighting tournament until then!" Condi suggested.

Laura Bush burst into the room excitedly. "Did someone say street fighting?"

* * * *

"We will destroy you with our dark, Allah powers!" one mad mullah yelled.

"Just stay quiet, Joey," Bush warned Urusemal, "They'll eventually get distracted by some silly little thing they think is blasphemous. Then we can run for Korea from here."

Suddenly there was some shouting and gunfire followed by silence. The door to the building Bush and Urusemal were hiding in was kicked open, and there stood Buck the Marine.

"Wow!" Bush exclaimed, "How did you get past their evil superpowers?"

"I done shot them," Buck answered, "Ooh-rah!"

"Cool. Let's get out of here," Bush said as he stood up.

"Yeaaaaagh!" came a scream as Howard Dean crashed through the wall and plowed right into Bush. Both came crashing out another wall into the streets.

"Not you again!" Bush yelled as he tried to struggle away.

Dean grabbed Bush's leg. "Hate Republicans! Yeaaaagh!"

"Shoot him, Buck!" Bush called out.

"Alrighty," Buck said as he aimed his rifle and pulled the trigger. Nothing happened. "Whoops, got a jam."

Dean threw Bush against another building. "Yeaaaaagh!"

"Help me, Joey!" Bush pleaded.

Urusemal backed away. "I don't want to be a part of your partisan squabbling; I need to have good relations no matter who is in office."

"Does someone have some keys to help me fish out this stuck casing?" Buck asked.

"Kill Republicans! Yeaaaagh!" Dean yelled as Bush was tossed. He hit the ground rolling. Dean charged Bush once again, but Bush stayed on the ground and used his legs to send Dean flying over him into a well.

"Grenade!" Bush yelled. Buck tossed him one, and Bush pulled the pin and dropped it down the well. He ducked and covered his ears as it exploded, collapsing the well in on itself.

"Hopefully that killed Dean for good," Bush said, dusting himself off. "Now, on to Korea!"

* * * *

"The American President is on his way," a North Korean intelligence agent said.

"Good!" Kim Jong Il said as he looked at a large metal suitcase and a picture of Bush's briefcase. "Paint it black!" he ordered.

"Won't the American President notice that his briefcase will have increased in size and now weighs over 45 pounds?" one worker asked.

"No! He stupid!" Jong shouted, "That why I need talks with only America. Any other countries come, they may notice switch. But not dummy Bush! Do you not see my hair? I cut it, and it is no longer poofy! I know what I talk of! Bush will take back suitcase nuke and blow up own country. Then he poofy-haired one! Muh hee hee hee!"

TO BE CONCLUDED...

Rating: 1.3/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (15) | In My World
IMAO EXCLUSIVE!!! SECRET AUDIO TAPE OF JOHN KERRY REVEALED!!!
Posted by Harvey at 08:08 AM | Email This

BREAKING NEWS!!! MUST CREDIT IMAO!!!

Seems that Doug Wead, who recently exposed Bush's deepest, darkest secrets by violating his trust, secretly taping him, then selling the tapes for crack money, (AS SEEN EXCLUSIVELY AT IMAO!!! MUST CREDIT!!!) has released new tapes of a private conversation with John Kerry. Below is a just a small portion of the entire shocking transcript:

IMAO EXCLUSIVE!!! MUST CREDIT IMAO!!! CREDIT!!! CREDIT NOW!!!

WEAD: George Bush has gone on record as having murdered hookers. Where do YOU stand on this issue?

KERRY: Unlike my opponent, who murdered hookers, I never murdered any hookers while serving in Viet Nam. Well, except for that one time, but since it was a 15-year-old boy, he was technically a gigolo and NOT a hooker. So you see, Weadster, my position on murdering hookers has been consistent throughout this campaign, unlike my opponent, who LIED about murdering hookers in order to deceive the American people into an illegal and unjust war in Iraq to line the pockets of his hooker-murdering oil-buddies at Halliburton.

WEAD: So... then you're opposed to murdering hookers?

KERRY: Now, Weadmeister, I never said that. That is not at all what I said. What I said - and what I have always said - is that I support - and Wead-o-Rama, I have held a single consistent position on this issue from day one - I support a woman's right to choose whether - as a hooker - she should be murdered or not. I simply don't believe that it's the role of the Federal government to decide for a hooker whether or not she can be murdered.

WEAD: So... you're in favor of murdering hookers?

KERRY: Now, Wead-o-licious, it IS true that certain unscrupulous members of the right-wing media have twisted my words around to try to suit their own radical agenda. Of course I'd like to see more murdered hookers - especially Vietnamese ones with their sexy brown legs driving you crazy with lust as you sweat in the jungle heat - but the American people need a leader who will tell the truth, and come clean with the real reasons we rushed to war in Iraq. The American people deserve to know whether their President served in Viet Nam, where we did NOT rush to war or steal oil or target innocent civilians or guilty reporters.

WEAD: So... what were we talking about?

KERRY: You're SO easily confused, Wead-whacker. That's why I like you. You're funny. Like a clown. You amuse me. And I promise that if I am elected President, I will implement my plan to murder more hookers than George W. Bush.

CREDIT IMAO!!! ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME!!! NOW!!! CREDIT NOW!!!

Rating: 3.0/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (5) | IMAO Exclusives
ignis fatuous
Posted by Cadet Happy at 12:09 AM | Email This

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Rating: 2.2/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (29) | ignis fatuous
February 21, 2005
Links of the Day
Posted by sarahk at 10:02 PM | Email This

the war in Iraq got very personal for Kim du Toit and his readers this weekend. all of the links are worth following, and if you're able to give to the Walter-Adam Fund, please do so. and y'all pray for our warriors over there.

also, Scr*pplef*ce has some, er, good news?

Rating: 2.8/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (6)
IMAO EXCLUSIVE!!! SECRET AUDIO TAPE OF HOWARD DEAN REVEALED!!!
Posted by Harvey at 10:00 PM | Email This

BREAKING NEWS!!! MUST CREDIT IMAO!!!

Seems that Doug Wead, who recently exposed Bush's lying perfidy with the release of secret tapes of private conversations (AS SEEN EXCLUSIVELY AT IMAO!!! MUST CREDIT!!!) has released new tapes of a private conversation with Howard Dean. Below is a just a small portion of the entire juicy transcript:

IMAO EXCLUSIVE!!! MUST CREDIT IMAO!!!

WEAD: So, Howard, George Bush has gone on record as having murdered hookers, thus co-opting the issue for the Republican Party. As the new chairman of the DNC, how do you plan to respond?"

DEAN: We're going to murder hookers in South Carolina! And Oklahoma! And Arizona! And North Dakota! And New Mexico!

And we're going to chop them into little pieces in California! And Texas! And New York!

And we're going to stuff them into wood-chippers in South Dakota! And Oregon! And Washington! And Michigan!

And then we're going to bring an orgy of bloody mayhem to Washington, D.C.! Where we'll murder hookers IN THE WHITE HOUSE!... YEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!"

CREDIT IMAO!!! OR LARGE ITALIAN MEN WILL BREAK YOUR KNEECAPS!!!

Rating: 2.2/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (17) | IMAO Exclusives
RWD's News Roundup - Monday
Posted by RightWingDuck at 06:10 PM | Email This

Welcome readers to IMAO!

I'm RightWingDuck with today's monologue on the world and what's happening.

Before I begin, I’d like to offer an apology to IMAO readers.

Last week, I made a comparison of the National Hockey League to the Democratic National Committee. This was inappropriate and I’m sorry if people were offended by this unfair comparison.

One is an organization filled with gap toothed goons who whack each other in the head when their backs are turned – the other is a professional sports league.

The good news is that so far, not a single Democrat has blamed the NHL cancellation on global warming.

Again, my apologies, I just haven’t been myself lately with all this rain!!!!

Here in Southern California we have had a record amount of rainfall.

It’s so wet – if it keeps up at this pace my wife and I might relocate to someplace warm and dry – like Seattle.

Authorities here rushed to the Los Angeles River to investigate reports that some unknown substance had been spotted. Turns out it was just WATER! (Sorry, that’s an LA joke – funny mostly to locals)

The top news story today –it was revealed that author Doug Wead secretly taped George Bush during an interview for his book. On the tape Dubya states, "Do you want your little kid, to say, 'Hey daddy, President Bush tried marijuana; I think I will?'" said Bush on the tapes. "That's the message we've been sending out. I wouldn't answer the marijuana question."

Folks, I believe we have found the real reason that schools nationwide are canceling their spelling bees. Bush is making education seem unnecessary.

"Son, you won’t succeed in life without good spelling!"

"Not true, dad, you're always misunderestimating me."

I’m concerned about this news report, of course. I hope this doesn’t affect his chance at reelection!

Bwu-ha-ha-ha. Bwuhahahahahahaha. Oh, sorry

Today was President’s Day!

Hopefully, some of you celebrated with a day off, a nice family gathering, and a trip to see your local Pride Parade.

An organization came out today insisting Lincoln was not gay, as a soon-to-be-released book alleges..

The organization protesting this accusation is made up of descendants of Lincoln’s closest friends: A construction worker, an Indian chief, a police man, and a biker dressed in leather chaps.

CIA Chief Porter Goss announced the other day that Al Queda just might sneak across the Mexican border.

Might?

That’s like saying that Paris Hilton might like being in front of the camera.

Paris Hilton had her cell phone hacked and a complete list of all her celebrity friends and their phone numbers was published for the entire world to be able to call.

Police report that some of her friends have received as many as sixteen phone calls.

So the question has to be asked – what made these celebrities think that Paris can keep anything private?

Anyway, the Bush team took a close look at the Porter Goss statements and then came out with a memo emphasizing the need to add private accounts to Social Security.

So the big question is this; Are these smuggled Al Queda taking jobs from honest American terrorists?

Man, I’m so glad we have a border patrol.

On a personal note, I used to worry that terrorists would smuggle a nuclear warhead and detonate it in Los Angeles. Then I realized – this is where all of their allies live and work. Hollywood is like the Al Queda Green Zone.

But I do worry about the rest of you.

George Bush is embarking on a trip to meet with our allies. He wants to mend fences and convince countries to help us rebuild Iraq. He’ll be meeting with France very soon. If all goes well, they’ll sign on to help us restore order.

No really. Stop laughing. In actuality, it’s really a good idea.

The American troops can help train the Iraqis and the French troops could help train the insurgents.

We’d have them licked in no time.

Philadelphia has announced its plans to create one of the country’s largest Wi-Fi spots.

This will provide a tremendous amount of convenience. If you wanted to protest homosexuality you could protest, pray, and get arrested – all from the comfort of your own home.

Man, this could really help Philadelphia move into the twentieth century.

Great slogan idea: "Philly: the City of Brotherly love – no not you.”


A teacher is in trouble for teaching his students how to make bombs.
When told of this news Ted Kennedy was livid. Are our tax dollars paying for this Madrasa?

What’s education coming to?

As Mary Kay Latourneau would say, “Make love, not war.”

Of course, the teacher is in trouble. A shame too, his next idea showed so much promise - a METH lab!

A woman sold her pregnant belly for use as ad space to the highest Ebay bidder.

True, the woman is pregnant and sold her belly space for the highest bidder to use as advertising.

I wonder if that kind of advertising works at all.

“Quick, Doctor. I need help. My wife is in labor”
“Just one minute, I have this sudden urge for a Pepsi!”
“D’oh. Darn advertisement.”

So this is a growing trend.

One day, a guy will drop his pants to moon the crowd – and he’ll be ticketed - for spam!

A bit of controversy though. She decided to sell her space to the second place bidder. The winner says they may now sue. They mean it too. They got the name of a good lawyer from a guy’s forehead.

You know what would have been great? A tourist ad!

“What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas- most of the time.”


New York has dropped the moniker – the Big Apple.

Now the new slogan is "The World’s Second Home."

Today John Kerry commented, “Not a bad second home, but it’s a bit cramped.”

I liked the other proposed slogans:

“Come home again and get mugged all over.”

“Every 12th visitor gets a contract with the Yankees.”

“Just like home, but with hookers on your sofa.”


Former ball player, Mike Greenwell of the Boston Red Sox came in second in the 1988 MVP race. He says that he deserves to have the MVP because he played clean that year.

No offense to Mr. Green, but that’s ancient history. Besides, how do you track advantages and disadvantages?

“Sure he hit 38 home runs, but 10 of were off pitchers that were hung over!”

I don’t know about this.

If you find out the Playmate of the Month has breast implants – does Playboy owe you a refund?

Or does it owe you a refund if you find out she doesn’t?

That would change the way young men look at magazines.

“Wow, she’s hot. What’s that on her breast?”
“I don’t know, dude. But I need a Pepsi.”

**

That's it folks. Have a good evening.

One last request. I'm sure at least ONE of these jokes made you chuckle. Please post your favorite one in comments. Remember, I can't hear you laugh.

Rating: 2.9/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (36) | News Round-Up
Fun Trivia
Posted by Aquaman at 02:46 PM | Email This

Can Superman stay underwater indefinitely?

Read More...


Rating: 2.2/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (34) | Fun Trivia
IMAO EXCLUSIVE!!! MORE OF THE SECRET AUDIO TAPES OF BUSH REVEALED!!!
Posted by Frank J. at 12:54 PM | Email This

HUGE SCOOP!!! MUST CREDIT IMAO!!!

In the Saturday NYTimes, Doug Wead revealed he had taped a conversation with the then to be President George W. Bush. The most famous excerpt form that conversation probably is this:

I wouldn't answer the marijuana questions. You know why? Because I don't want some little kid doing what I tried.

Only IMAO has gotten its hands on the tapes to show the quote in its full context.

WHAT FOLLOWS IS AN IMAO EXCLUSIVE!!! MUST CREDIT IMAO!!!

BUSH: Now, Gore gave an answer, Weadie, but I wouldn't answer the marijuana questions. You know why? Because I don't want some little kid doing what I tried. It's the same reason I never talk about how I murdered hookers. I don't want kids to start thinking you're supposed to murder hookers after you’ve finished your business with them.

WEAD: So you're not going to say anything about how wild your life was before you became a born-again Christian?

BUSH: No, I don't think that will help anyone. Let's say I told everyone how I tried to assassinate the pope - and people do crazy things when they're young - but, if I did admit to that, then some kid is going to say, "Hey, the president tried to assassinate the pope; I guess it's okay for me to try." Who wants that, Weadnik? It's like when I murdered DEA agents and ran drugs for a Columbian drug lord, I would occasionally "sample" the product. I'm not going to talk about that. I don't want kids to point to the president and think its okay to steal from drug lords like that; if I were as wise as I am now, I would honor that contract and deliver all the drugs entrusted to me. That's the principles I want kids to get from me.

WEAD: What about things people are already talking about, like possible gaps in your National Guard service?

BUSH: Sure, Weadie, as most people suspect, I did go AWOL from the National Guard, had my face surgically altered to make me look Asian, and then fought along side the Viet Cong. I won't be like Gore, though, and just nonchalantly admit to it, because I don't want kids copying me. It's not like I'm trying to hide anything; it's just it would break my heart to see faux-Asian Communists out there because kids are imitating me.

SUPER LUCKY BIG SCOOP!!! YOU CREDIT IMAO NOW!!!

Rating: 1.9/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (8) | IMAO Exclusives
Gratuitous T-Shirt Babe Pic o' the Day
Posted by sarahk at 11:55 AM | Email This

this is one from the first T-Shirt Babe photo shoot. i don't remember if i sent it to Frank, but if i did, he probably said he didn't like it because i wasn't smiling.

Read More...


Rating: 2.3/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Don't Tap on the Glass
Posted by Aquaman at 08:57 AM | Email This

All hail the King of Atlantis!Hello, kids. It's your favorite superhero and new IMAO blogger, Aquaman!

As you all know, I have the greatest superpower of all: the ability to talk to fish. Fish have a great many things to say, especially your household goldfish. Goldfish love to swim around their bowls all day. They love it more than anything else. Would they have the ability, they would murder you and everyone you care about to keep swimming in circles forever. It's funny, I've talked to many different goldfish, but pretty much all phrase their love of swimming in circles in terms of who they'd murder to keep up their lifestyle.

But the purpose of this post isn't to make you scared of your goldfish; I just said all that so you can empathize with how much joy they have in swimming in circles. You know what crushes that joy, though? When someone taps on the glass.

Now, you may not even hear the sound the tapping makes, but, to them, it's like a drum is being constantly pounded right in their skulls. They tell me over and over that they just wish they could use their fins to operate a gun and blow their brains out rather than deal with the tapping.

Goldfish are very morbid when not swimming in circles.

So, kids, respect your goldfish and don't tap on the glass. Also, remember to always wear a helmet when riding a bike. If you fall off your bike without a helmet, even I can't save you (unless you fall into water... and that one is still iffy).

This is Aquaman, signing off.

Rating: 2.6/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (22) | Aqua-Adventures
Call for Prayers.
Posted by Frank J. at 08:32 AM | Email This

Say some prayers for the Insta-wife. Hopefully everything will go smoothly.

UPDATE: She is in the recovery room now.

Rating: 2.9/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (4)
Sweet Satire
Posted by Frank J. at 08:22 AM | Email This

My imitation of bloggers at CPAC:

"Dude, where's my laptop?"

"Dude, where's your laptop?"

"Dude, where's my laptop?!"

"Dude, where's your laptop?!"

"Dude!"

Rating: 3.2/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (6)
The Quotable (Drunken) Frank J.
Posted by Harvey at 08:12 AM | Email This

You're probably aware that Frank went to a party on Feb. 12th, where he got a tad tipsy and double-posted.

You probably thought it was funny when he said, "I am the great Frank J.! Worship me!"

Did you know that's not the only good line he had? For example (and these are all true):


"Do I look more sober in a Ninja stance?" (general query to the assembled guests)

"I love you man..." Frank J to Harvey, to which Harvey responded, "I am so flinging meat at you if you say that again."

(Which is NOT gay, since it was during dinner and we were having prime rib. I was just threatening a food fight)

"When I met you in person, I found out that you weren't as much of a jerk as I thought you would be." Frank J to Harvey

"I don't know why the Christians are so mad at the Jews for crucifying Christ, because he wound up getting resurrected. No harm, no foul." (general announcement)

"Don't be sexy, I'm wearing my dual 45s." Frank J to SarahK

"I was not taking God's name in vain...I was just using it in a joke." Frank J trying (and failing) to placate SarahK.

"Shut up!!!!" Frank J to potted plant. Several times.


Now, someone has posted a large collection of quotes from the party, but the rest of them aren't from Frank, and they're mostly not work safe, so I'm not going to give a link to that because I know that the only things that IMAO readers care about are politics and Frank, and they are shocked and appalled by evil, smutty things.

But if there's sufficient interest, I might be persuaded to drop the links in the comments.

Your call.

Rating: 4.4/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (16)
Keep Those MSMin' Hands Off The Bloggin' Laptops!
Posted by spacemonkey at 07:23 AM | Email This

Wall Street Journal columnist John Fund reportedly used some blogger's laptops without asking permission at the Conservative Political Action Conference on Saturday. He apparently did this in two separate incidents to two different bloggers. Some guy and some other guy. Never once asking permission nor thanking either blogger for the use of the laptops.

You don't just grab a blogger's weapon of choice, fire off an email or two, walk away without a word and live to tell the tale. Not any more than you grab a marine's rifle out his hands, pop off a few rounds and throw it down like Michael Moore dropping a freshly cleaned hambone without getting your severely thrashed [pinky toe] torn off and handed back to you. It's just.not.done.

Read More...


Rating: 2.7/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (14)
So THAT'S Why It's a Group Blog Now
Posted by Harvey at 01:34 AM | Email This

Would you dare to doubt Frank J.'s wisdom in making IMAO a group blog?

Sure! We ALL would!

It's obviously the silliest idea to ever bubble out of Frank J.'s skull.

The funny thing is, he's never explained WHY he's doing it, which has the unfortunate consequence of encouraging rampant, baseless, Eason-Jordan-ish speculation.

As in, for example, this Top 10 list from Basil of Basil's Blog.

I think #4 is probably the most accurate, although there IS circumstantial photographic evidence for #1.

Rating: 3.0/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (13)
February 20, 2005
How to Get North Korea Back to the Table
Posted by Harvey at 01:15 PM | Email This

Amid shouts of "We got nukie!" and "OO! Round-eye! You kung-fu no good! We hit chop-chop on you head!", the North Korean delegation stepped away from the negotiating table last week, breaking off the amusing, yet ineffectual, 6-way talks that had been going on since 2003.

Despite their bluster, we know the North Koreans will be back eventually, since it's their only shot at grazing a buffet containing something besides gravel and anorexic kittens. However, it would certainly be nice if we could hustle the North Koreans back to the table a little sooner, if only because I, as a patriotic American, am sick of having my kung-fu disparaged.

So as a personal favor to Secretary of Sexy, Condi Rice, I offer these:

TIPS FOR GETTING NORTH KOREA BACK TO THE NEGOTIATING TABLE

* Offer them copies of Don King's "Hair Poofing for Dummies".

* Karaoke! Free Rail Drinks! and Girls! Girls! Girls!

* Threaten to hack the official North Korea web site and turn it into a group humor blog.

* No lap-dance posts, though - that would be a violation of international law.

* Promise them all the puppies they can eat. Reynolds can probably spare a few.

* Give in to Kim Jong Il's demands and let him play the Mayor of Munchkin City in the new "Wizard of Oz" remake.

* Send the USS Jimmah Cahtah over to rabbit-blast them into submission.

* Have Frank J. issue an official apology for all those poofy hair remarks while doing the Happy Dance.

* Stop making them sit at the little folding card table with all the diplomats' bratty kids.

* Keep repeating "apoofyhaireddictatorsayswhat?" Nothing says "negotiate" like a good Wayne's World reference.

* Heh. "Babe-raham Lincoln".

* Ya know, they're just mad because we forgot to buy them roses on Valentine's Day. North Koreans are such women.

* Yeah, I'll be sleeping on the couch tonight for that one.

* Offer them free "YEAAAAGH!" lessons from Howard Dean.

* Empty America's nuclear arsenal into their crappy little country and then yell "First!"


How do you like our kung-fu NOW, poofy-head?

Rating: 2.7/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (17)
New Testimonial
Posted by Frank J. at 11:57 AM | Email This

I added a new testimonial to our left sidebar (no, your other left) from the MSNBC videoclip (score one for Ducky).

Take that, all you other starched-shirt bloggers!

Rating: 4.5/5 (1 vote cast)

Comments (3)
The Great Move of 2005 - Part III
Posted by Frank J. at 11:15 AM | Email This

SarahK has more of our U-Haul adventure in an episode I'd like to call "Why We're Not Allowed in Jena, Louisana, Anymore."

Rating: 2.9/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (4)
February 19, 2005
The Dream Nears
Posted by spacemonkey at 07:11 PM | Email This

How's this for a recipe?

Take this story reporting how the Pentagon is wanting a new generation of smaller, cheaper nukes.

Then add liberally this plan to crash a small payload on the moon.

What's it a recipe for? Why, sarahk's pasta salad. Mmmmm, carbs.

No, where've you been? It's Nuke the Moon. That's what!

Fearless leader's plan for world peace could finally be within our grasp. To think, we might actually nuke the moon in our lifetime, maybe even this week!

Boy, Frank J. doesn't get nearly the credit he deserves. Ok, maybe he does, but still, he's a true visionary. The dream nears.

Rating: 3.8/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (8)
New Blogger!
Posted by Frank J. at 02:23 PM | Email This

After a little negotiatiating, I got a new blogger to join IMAO. He'll be making his first post on Monday. Not even the other IMAO authors know about this, as I want to make sure it's a surprise for everyone.

Also Monday, the next chapter in "In My World: Un-Poofy."

Rating: 4.3/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (33)
Making Amends
Posted by Harvey at 12:22 PM | Email This

It has come to my attention that some people were offended by the bawdy nature of my first post. I wanted to issue a written apology, but then I thought - no. That's simply NOT enough to heal the scars. In order to make up for my transgression, I need to perform a genuine act of contrition to prove the sincerity and depth of my regret.

But of what should such an act consist?

I ponder thusly:


* Be more like Frank J., i.e. go to church, study the Bible, and post crude mockeries of what I learn.

* Re-enact "The Passion of the Christ", sans stunt double.

* Be more like Frank J., i.e. pee on my cat's head.

* Get Frank J. drunk enough to triple-post.

* Brand my chest with a big, red letter "A" - for "asshat".

* Tattoo "I'm a complete pinky-toe-hole" on my forehead.

* Stop capitalizing the word "I" so as to become as lovable as SarahK.

* Vow to never blend another puppy again as long as I live.

* No, wait... that's from Instapundit's list. Nevermind.

* Chemical castration, thus preventing the inheritable portion of my evil from being inflicted on generations of bloggers yet unborn.

* Do volunteer work at a homeless shelter and NOT murder any of the clients.

* Oops. Instapundit again. Sorry.

* Watch "Barney & Friends" videos until I learn how to play nice.

* Or slit my wrists, whichever comes first.

* Heh. I said "first".

* I said "Heh", too. Get out of my head, Instapundit!

* Keep my posts focussed and on-topic, instead of letting them scamper about like a pack of demented ferrets.

* Suck on a 9-volt battery. Scream. Spit. Repeat.


Eh. Screw it. Just send me the bill for your psychotherapy and we'll call it even.

Meanwhile, do you think it would help if I changed my "posted by" name to "Harvey NSFW"?

Rating: 2.8/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (21)
Gratuitous T-Shirt Babe Pic o' the Day
Posted by sarahk at 09:29 AM | Email This

hello, all. the great Frank J. (worship him!) has been suckered by my feminine wiles into letting me post here; i also don't have to use CAPS, hooray for that. until tax season ends, i won't have much time for making funny non-personal posts, so for now i give you the Gratuitous T-Shirt Babe Pic o' the Day!

this first one is from the I-Wanna-Be-a-T-Shirt-Babe photo shoot.

Read More...


Rating: 1.8/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (15)
How Will We Know If People Love Us?
Posted by Frank J. at 09:09 AM | Email This

I'm not the best at html, but, to use a technical term, trackbacks are now foobar. All I did was move the code for trackbacks on the main page from the bottom of a post to the top, and now the trackback page is complete inaccessible... even from the individual entry page where I didn't mess with the template. I can't even be sure, though, that me moving things on the main index broke it all.

Anyone know how to debug this? Remember, the more time I spend on technical issues, the less time I have for playing videogames writing funny.

UPDATE: Last trackback (that was not erased; was dealing with a lot of trackback spam recently useing MT-Blacklist) was on the 16th to this post.

UPDATE 2: Explanation of foobar.

Rating: 3.7/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (10)
February 18, 2005
IMAO Quoted on MSNBC!
Posted by spacemonkey at 10:48 PM | Email This

Apparently, the staff at MSNBC's new show Connections: Coast To Coast found something quotable to quote from IMAO since it became a group blog. That's correct, RightWingDuck got quoted on TV. Go Ducky! They also quoted the Unfair. Unbalanced. Unmedicated. tagline. Go Frank!

Did you see it, NO? I missed it too.

But fear not, fellow ronin, all is not lost. For Trey Jackson of Jackson's Junction has more details and he even has a video clip of the segment where they quote IMAO.

I noticed the MSNBC graphic listed the URL as IMAO.COM instead of IMAO.US. I guess CBS has hired up all the competent fact checkers in an effort to prevent another Rathergate and the other networks are suffering for it.

IMAO readers probably ought to pay this show some more attention since it has demonstrated excellent taste in blogs. And it's time for a round of back-slapping.

Update: MSNBC links correctly and directly to IMAO.US, here. (Scroll down.)
Update2: This was what was quoted.

Might not be all bad, though. If you show up at the polls and the lines are long – you can always find a good game of Three Card Monte.

Rating: 4.0/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (24)
Glenn Reynolds vs. President's Day
Posted by Harvey at 09:11 PM | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

Because Glenn Reynolds is an evil puppy-blending, Satan-worshipping, hobo-murderer who loves Communism, he is forever trying to destroy America and everything it stands for.

Monday, February 21st, is President's Day. Since our Presidents are our most recognizable symbol of American power, Glenn Reynolds will be frothing with Commie-loving rage that day, and will stop at nothing to undermine America's glory.

Realizing that American Presidents are most often seen on American currency - the purest symbol of Capitalism, which Glenn hates because he's an evil, filthy Commie - Glenn has hatched a foul plot to place his own despicable visage on our sacred dollars. Through means which I am not at liberty to disclose for national security reasons, I have obtained a badly photoshopped image of Glenn's creation, which I've placed in the extended entry:

Read More...


Rating: 3.9/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (19) | Filthy Lies
My Only Serious Post
Posted by Harvey at 08:22 PM | Email This

In the comments to Frank J.'s post announcing that IMAO has become a group blog, loyal reader Beo brought up an excellent point:

If I wanted to read their stuff, I'd go to ... anyone? THEIR SITES.

I'd rather get one good Frnak post a week than 10000 other posts I have to sort through.

For my part, this point is well-taken. Being a long-time IMAO reader myself, I'm PAINFULLY aware of what IMAO readers expect from and enjoy about this site, and I will do my utmost to provide only the high-quality funny that Frank J.'s fans have come to expect. I'm also aware of my status - in most readers' minds - as an unknown, uninvited, unwanted interloper who nobody has ever heard of, and who has a LOT of proving to do before being accepted as worthy.

I accept this challenge, and will do what I can to win your hearts and minds.

I will do no personal blogging or completely gratuitous IMAO-lanching to my little blog-friends. If it's not likely to make you blow coffee out your nose, I'm not going to post it.

Frank J. has worked his ass off to make IMAO what it is today, and I'm fully aware that it's my responsibility to either conform to his vision or be summarily dismissed without argument or appeal.

I side with his vision.

Give me funny or give me death.

NOTE: Anyone who leaves a "death" comment will be beaten with a hamster and forced to listen to William Hung's rendition of "She Bangs" on endless loop. You've been warned.

Rating: 2.5/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (25)
A Simple Solution To Overseas Job Outsourcing
Posted by spacemonkey at 03:29 PM | Email This

I would like to offer what I find to be a very simple common sense solution to a problem of the day. Who says solutions have to be complicated or even nuanced? Not me, that's for sure.

Our featured problem: Overseas Job Outsourcing

Read More...


Rating: 3.5/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (19)
RWD's News Roundup - Friday
Posted by RightWingDuck at 01:33 PM | Email This

Hello Everyone,

I'm RightWingDuck and it's time to talk about the news and what's been going on!

In politics...

Hillary Clinton is proposing that felons be allowed to vote. It is estimated that 4.7 million Americans are barred from voting.

This can’t be good for Republicans. Studies show that for every 3 felons – the Democrats get 4 votes!

Might not be all bad, though. If you show up at the polls and the lines are long – you can always find a good game of Three Card Monte.

“How did it go at the polls today, honey?”
“Not bad. The lines were long, but I won $40 and picked up a new car stereo.”
“Best Buy? Circuit City?"
“Better: This guy was holding an Election Day sale, right from his trunk!”

The good news to this legislation?

They want to make election day a holiday! That would be awesome. The way Republicans are winning elections, we need a day to celebrate. Dancing in the streets would also be allowed and encouraged. Maybe even legal fireworks day!!!

Even though Kerry lost the election by 3 million votes (and by 118,000 votes in Ohio), they’re saying it’s not an attempt to gain an edge in the next election.

In other news, John Kerry introduced legislation encouraging minorities to relocate to Ohio.

“If we can get another 120,000 people to discover the joy of living in Ohio – well that would be good for America too.”

Congress is starting to talk about reviving the Fairness Doctrine for broadcasters.

If this is passed, broadcasts of all kinds would have to air both points of view. The downside is that the media isn't always clear on how to represent both sides.

“On today’s show we'll talk about an important topic: Is President Bush much worse than Hitler, or only a little worse than Hilter? We’ll talk to people from both sides of the issue.”
“Plus, tune in later for our closing comments – is the Media too Conservative and what can we do about it once and for all?”

Some legislators in California are floating the idea of taxing automobiles by the mile.

This might not be a bad idea. Ladies, you know how you could tell if your date is low on cash? Everywhere you guys go - he‘s driving backwards.


Lindsay Lohan, now has a doll made in her image! Wow a Lindsay Lohan doll! What little girl wouldn’t enjoy something like that?

“Sweetheart. I hadn’t seen you with your Lindsay doll in a while. Where was it?
“I put it in the dolly hospital for exhaustion.”
“Sweetie. Your dolly’s boobs have really gotten much bigger.”
“Well. Hmm. Maybe that’s why she was so exhausted – from holding them in so long. Take a look.”
“Wow, you can barely see the scars.”

The doll will come with a fur coat and a director’s chair. That’s all well and good, but not really accurate. I mean, what has she directed?

Wouldn’t it be better if it came with a drink, a cigarette, and a daddy doll being hauled off to jail?


The NBA has come out with new policies limiting beer sales

All of this came from that huge fight between the fans and players. It started when a fan threw a beer at one of the Pacers. So now they want to regulate beer sales.

Isn't that like controlling sex assaults by restricting room service!!


New rule. The fans will no longer be able to order beers after the third quarter!
Oh, and the players get cut off after the first half!

I’m glad the NBA is so in touch with modern medicine.

“Dad, it’s the end of the third quarter and you’re drunk!”
“I’ll be fine, son. Just give me that 15 minutes and I’ll be okay.”

Restricting beer sales is unfair. What if your team really sucks?

Yes, in Miami you can enjoy the game and have fun. Alcohol would be nice but you don’t really need it.

But here in Los Angeles – man – we need an open bar! That would enhance the fan's experience!

“How’s Kobe doing?”
“Is he the one with the pom-poms?”
“No, idiot. He’s on the court!”
“I don’t see anything!”
“Well, get off the floor!”

Jose Canseco is still in the news. His book is selling well. Why wouldn’t it – the book states clearly that George Dubya knew about Jose’s use of Anabolic Steroids. I don’t think that Dubya will catch heat for it. The book is very specific:

“Did you know Jose’s powerful swing came from anabolics?”

“No, you mean like the Six Million Dollar man? Wow, are BOTH arms anabolic?”

In other news…

The district attorney has decided that no charges will be pressed against Bill Cosby for the alleged groping incident.


Asked about how he’ll celebrate he sang, “I’m going to go hoooooome, get some frieeeeeends, and celebrate with some jellooooooooo gelatin – wrestling.”


A dog made the news when he was playing Frisbee in the park. The cops came by and the retriever -having nothing to do – went and fetched the owner’s bag of marijuana.

What do you say when that happens. Is there a way to play it off?

“Rover, you can’t keep doing this. It’s time for an intervention! You have a problem!"

Or how about...

“Ha. Citizens arrest. Officer, I’ve been watching this dog for two weeks now. I knew he was up to no good.”

Wow. Your own dog gets you busted by the police. What would that conversation sound like?

“Sorry officer. It’s for medicinal purposes. It helps me with my ADD.”
“How long have you had ADD?”
“What ADD?”

Microsoft has announced that it will recall many of the X-box power cords. Turns out that many of these cords are defective and have been known to shock people and start small fires.


I can just picture two teenagers playing the Xbox.

“Man, you’re doing great. Oh no. Fire!”

“I AM firing”

“No, fire extinguisher!”

“Which button is that?. Which button is that? X, Y, A?”

Bill gates recently had announced that Microsoft will focus on better security.

Today, he also announced the new company motto: Stop, drop, and roll!

**

That's all for today gang. Keep tuning in to IMAO where the fun never stops.

Rating: 3.3/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (12) | News Round-Up
Obligatory "Hello" Post
Posted by spacemonkey at 01:16 PM | Email This

HELLO my name is spacemonkey

Hello. My name is spacemonkey. What is your name? Nice to meet you.

Read More...


Rating: 1.5/5 (1 vote cast)

Comments (10)
Frank Reads the Bible: Thoughts By El Cazador
Posted by Frank J. at 01:06 PM | Email This

Now, I've been accepting that Moses wrote the first few books of the Bible since I need someone to yell at, but my friend El Cazador (from my writing group; one of these days I'm going to get back to the great American Novel - or at least a fair one) would like to point out why Moses probably didn't write them. This will probably be a little controversial, so I'm just going to back off and say I don't necessarily agree with all that is said here. Still, since the Bible posts keep ending with serious discussion, and El Cazador is a great writer and thinker in my opinion, and I'd put this out there:

Read More...


Rating: 2.6/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (35) | Frank Reads the Bible
Yay! One Day of Group Blogging!
Posted by Frank J. at 09:27 AM | Email This

Minerva has gotten good at getting into the closet with my guns, and Sydney severed one of my phone lines. Do you think they're plotting something?

I hate cats.

Anyway, I ain't feeling so good, so I'm going to go lay on the couch. I will post something later, though.

So, what do you all think of the group blogging so far? I know some people complained of the content, but I always thought of this as a PG-13 blog and mean to keep it at that level (if it's allowed on prime time TV, you might see it here). And I like my group bloggers, and think they're cool. Some won't have a chance to post for a little bit, but I'm hoping we'll have a great big mess of humor in the end.

Later, ronin.

Rating: 3.6/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (57)
How To Be Romantic On a Budget
Posted by Harvey at 07:23 AM | Email This

Most people think that the only way to win a woman's heart is to buy her bowling-ball sized diamonds and shower her with enough roses to hold a parade in Pasadena.

Most people are right.

However, Christina of Feisty Repartee recently suggested that there are also non-jewerly-related methods for garnering female affection. Being that it was said by a woman, I have to believe it since women don't lie. I know this because the ladies are forever telling me that I'm funny & charming & handsome & not REALLY hung like an acorn.

Thus, it occurred to me that perhaps there ARE ways for guys who aren't as fabulously wealthy as T-shirt mogul Frank J. to get the girls, too. So I present these tips for:


How To Be Romantic On A Budget

* Giftwrap a Canadian penny with a note that says "Like Elizabeth to Canada, you are my Queen, except your boobs aren't as saggy."

* Hand her a french fry and say, "This fry reminds me of you because it wouldn't look fat in those jeans, either."

* Do NOT try this with a blueberry muffin.

* Try opening the car door for her. If that doesn't impress her, try unlocking it first.

* Point out beautiful women and mention how repulsive you find them. This works best if you're not in a visible state of arousal while doing so.

* Unless you're hung like an acorn, in which case it doesn't matter.

* Hand her a rock and say "This reminds me of our great relationship." Make sure the rock is mostly quartz, though, lest she fire back with, "Yeah, because you take me for granite."

* I hate women and their stupid puns.

* Remember not to actually say that last line out loud. I've still got the scars from that one.

* Try getting wobbly-ass drunk and screaming, "I am the great Frank J.! Worship me!" while double-posting on your blog.

* Buy her a very expensive dress that's 5 sizes too small. After she fails to squeeze into it, exclaim in shock that you were POSITIVE that it was her size. Then return the dress and get your money back. It doesn't cost you a dime, and you still get 25 "gonna get some action" points.

* If you want to do this, but you don't have any money, I can give you Frank's credit card number. Did you know he passes his wallet around the room when he's drunk?

* And no, I don't know how many "gonna get some action" points it takes to actually GET some action. I've been too busy earning "gonna sleep on the couch" points.

* THAT only takes one.


I hope you find these tips useful, and I wish you the best of luck in your personal quest to "plant the acorn".

Rating: 4.3/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (14)
February 17, 2005
Frank's Happy Dance: Captured Live!
Posted by Harvey at 08:10 PM | Email This

I was hanging out with Frank last Saturday, and he was feeling a little tipsy, so I thought I'd ask him to show me that Happy Dance he was always bragging about. He demurred, claiming that he'd forgotten the DVD at home.

But after seeing the crestfallen look on my face, he felt sorry for me and offered to perform it live, out on the patio by the pool.

"Just wait right here," said Frank, "and I'll go put on my tux. The Happy Dance ain't NOTHIN' unless I'm doing it in my tux."

So he changes into his tux, and the next thing you know, he's out by the pool, be-boppin' & scattin' around like a crazy man.

It was awesome.

Fortunately, someone had the presence of mind to turn on a video camera, so I can offer you this completely unauthorized version of the Frank J. Happy Dance (1 Meg WMV file)

Oh, and for you on-the-clock surfers, it IS work safe.

Rating: 2.4/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (25)
Frank Reads the Bible: Genesis 14-17
Posted by Frank J. at 03:04 PM | Email This

I hadn't posted on this in a while because what I read was boring, but it ends up I stopped right before the mother lode that is Chapter 17. I could write a ton on that chapter alone.

Anyway, let's go quick through 14 to 16. Lot gets captured, and Abram comes to save his ass (he's the first action hero). Then God keeps going on and on about how many descendants Abram will have (who is probably like thinking to himself, "Okay, I'll have as many descendants has dust on the earth and stars in the sky... I get it. Could You stop bugging me!"). Then Sarai, who I remind you is barren, lets Abram get it on with her maid Hagar (does not sound like the name of a beautiful woman), and, surprisingly, this causes animosity. But then Hagar gives birth the Ishmael when Abram is 86, making him the second oldest new father after Larry King (who I think is the son of Japheth).

Now, at this point, I'm like, "Okay. This is all fair and good, but why do we care about Abram and this Sarai?" I'm not well versed in the Bible, but I thought the big people in the Bible after Noah were Abraham and Sarah. Then I read Chapter 17...

Abram and Sarai are Abraham and Sarah!

Am I only one who didn't know that?

Anyhoo, God goes renaming crazy, and grants Abram a ham to make him Abraham (or I guess it's more of a "ha" that goes between his 'a' and 'm'). He then downgrades Sarai's 'i' one letter to an 'h' to make her Sarah. Abram and Sarai just seemed to accept this, 'cause, if the almighty Lord says your name is now "Polly Prissy Pants," then you better go introducing yourself as "Triple-P" if you don't want a smiting.

Now comes the weird thing. God order circumcision has a symbol of his covenant. Why that? My guess is that God decide the human wang was just too weird looking, but it was too late for Him to change it. Thus, he had people fix it themselves. Whatever the reason, this shows how harsh the Old Testament is compared to the New Testament. Jesus just wanted you to splash some water on yourself, but God wanted you to put a knife to your wee-wee. I just hope Abraham didn't have much feeling down there when he did the deed at age 99.

Now here are a few points I'd like discussed by everyone who takes this seriously (sorry, no atheist allowed for this part):

First, look at God's statement to Abram (Gen. 15:5):

Then He brought him outside and said, "Look now toward heaven, and count the stars if you are able to number them." And He said to him, "So shall your descendants be."

If you take that literally, then the apocalypse can't be for a long long time if Abram is going to have that many descendants.

Second, and of the most curiosity to me, why Abram/Abraham? What makes him so special that God picked him to be the great father of all? Or did he try it with others who just got too tired of God droning on about how many descendants they would have?

Anyway, I know Abraham is big in the Muslim religion too, so I'm going to keep a close eye on him as I read further and make sure he doesn't blow anyone up. Later, thumpers.

Rating: 3.3/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (40) | Frank Reads the Bible
RWD's News Roundup - Thursday
Posted by RightWingDuck at 12:05 PM | Email This

Hello everyone.

Welcome to IMAO the group humor blog.

I’m RightWingDuck and I’d like to take a few minutes and talk about what’s happening in the news lately.

The BBC is reporting that use of the Pill can change a woman’s taste in men.

Hmm. How long does this take? Could this change the dating scene for ugly men?

“Lisa, we’ve been working together for a year now. Would you like to go out with me?
“No, I’m sorry. I’m just not attracted to you. Can’t we just be friends?
“Sure thing. Here, taste this pill for me. How do I look now?”
“Better”
“Try this one.”
“Better yet”
“And this one.”
“Hey, you look a little bit like Russell Crowe. Would you like to go out to dinner?”

Now THAT would be a great invention. Not for me – but for you ugly guys- heck yes.

In other news, the Geneva Motor Show will be displaying a car that can sense your mood.

I don’t know if this is a good idea. Some guys are already having a hard time accepting GPS. Now we have something that senses our mood?

GPS System: “Driver, you should have turned left back there.”
Mood System: “He’s not listening. He’s in a bad mood.”
Driver: “I’m not in a bad mood, leave me alone. I meant to miss that turn.”
Mood System: “See, I told you he was in a bad mood. I just know these things. Let me shut down the car.”
Driver: “Hey, you shut down the car. What the heck is wrong with you?”
Mood System: (Long pause) “Well, if you don’t know – I’m not going to tell you.”
Driver: “You’re shutting me off? In the middle of nowhere?”
GPS System: “Well you wouldn’t be ‘nowhere’ if you had listened to me. He never listens.”
Driver: “I AM NOT IN A BAD MOOD!”
Mood System: “He’s yelling. I told you he was in a bad mood. You want me to take over?”

I think that’s what John Kerry’s role will be in the next 4 years: The irritating back seat driver.

Try this one. Mr. Kerry is now saying that Dubya is finally implementing the Kerry plan. I don’t know what to say about this. Some things just fry the brain. I can imagine what those conversations are like.

Kerry: You should tell the Iraqis that our goal is to leave as soon as we can.
Dubya: I told them that already.
Kerry: Good, you’re following my plan.
Dubya: What do you mean, YOUR plan? This has been the plan from day one!
Kerry: Ooh, you’re in a bad mood. You want me to take over?

In Other Kerry News, Teresa Heinz Kerry dropped the Kerry part of her name. It was a silly idea to begin with. It was disrespectful of the man she truly loves – Mr. Heinz himself.

I guess it’s only fair. After all, now that the election is over, John no longer has to hold her hand in public.

A lot is happening in the art world.

At a recent auction, a bidder paid over $500,000 for a painting of dogs playing poker. The auction house is really excited. Next week they’ll be auctioning off: Elvis on Black Velvet. And the pottery people thing that the Shrek Chia Pet should fetch a pretty sum.

Ashley Olsen is suing the National Enquirer for $40 million dollars. In her suit, she contends that the Enquirer ran a false story about her involvement in a drug scandal.

The Enquirer is standing by its story and has said, “We’ll see you in court.”

Oh, man. Do you know what this means?

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?

The Enquirer has more guts than CNN!

No retraction. No resignation. No accusations of a mob rule by salivating celebrities. They stand by their story.

Ashley contends that the tabloid is trying to ruin her career.

Poor thing. It might get to the point where she won’t be able to make any more of those crappy movies.


With $40 million dollars, she could finally make “New York Minute, Part II”. That should be good for another $5 million dollars in revenue.


The Enquirer has also hired Anna Nicole Smith to write a weekly column. What about? I don’t know. I guess what she knows best: nudity, weight loss, and how to marry a rich guy.

She beat out the other contestant – John F. Kerry.

Said Kerry, “She’s following my outlines. I outlined a plan a long time ago. If she follows my plans she’ll be fine.”

J-Lo is has cancelled her latest tour because of illness.

Wow, you know it must be really bad when you don’t even have enough strength to lip-synch.

J-Lo is developing a new fashion line. It is conceivable that her next movie review would be a clean sweep.

I would love to see that movie review. “This movie was awful. The soundtrack was pathetic, and the costumes they wore were gaudy and tasteless. The good news, J-Lo found the man of her dreams while filming. She’ll be getting married right after divorcing her current husband and breaking up with her last fiancé.”

No concerts? I hate when good entertainment gets cancelled.

Which I guess why I’m not so affected by the loss of the National Hockey season this year.

No more body slamming? No more swearing? No more vicious brute force? Thankfully, NHL fans can get a special Cable TV subscription to Howard Dean and the DNC meetings.

The NHL reminds me of the DNC - nothing really there to see, but still quite a few fans.

Have you heard the latest?

Howard had requested a media blackout for a meeting with a top Pentagon advisor. He wanted no reporting, no recording, no record of anything.

Hey, who does this guy think he is – Eason Jordan?

Thankfully, he changed his mind.

Meanwhile Wednesday, ‘Dean called on the head of New York's Republican Party to apologize or resign over remarks linking the Democrats to a civil rights lawyer convicted of aiding terrorists.’

Yes. I agree. That remark was very offensive. Amazing, Dean is already becoming a good influence on the DNC. Under his leadership, they just might become the party of the guys with Confederate flags on their pickup trucks.

I'd like to close out today's roundup with a bit of sad news.

Sad news really. Pop Singer George Michael has said “Good bye” to the pop music world. Yes, he's done. He's said, "Good bye."

The pop music world responded, “George who?”

He’s leaving the music industry!?

Oh no! Who’s next? Bobby Brown?


**

That’s it for today. Remember, I post from the West Coast (hey that rhymed) so check in late each evening where I should be posting the monologue for the day.

It’s an honor to be one of the IMAO bloggers. My site at www.rightwingduck.net will still be up and running with a couple of fresh humor posts each week.

Rating: 3.4/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (18) | News Round-Up
Change Is...Not What It Used To Be
Posted by spacemonkey at 10:50 AM | Email This

With all the changes going on here at IMAO I thought it would be a good idea to expound on the intrinsic value of change. Then, I thought better of it, but ended up writing it anyway.

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Rating: 3.2/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (15)
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 09:40 AM | Email This

Who invented the group blog?

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Rating: 2.1/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (18) | Fun Trivia
Foam Finger Fun
Posted by spacemonkey at 09:34 AM | Email This

Foam fingers are a lot of fun. You can hold them up and without saying a word express to the world the opinion that your team is number 1. They come designed in a surprisingly wide variety suited to express other sentiments as well. These other sentiments range from a gnarly 'hang loose' to a tender 'I love you' to well... another, one finger communication.

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Rating: 2.1/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (11)
Know Thy Enemy: Blogs
Posted by Frank J. at 09:16 AM | Email This

There are these things called blogs out there run by salivating morons who work in lynch mobs to bring people down regardless of the facts. This seems like a dangerous new phenomenon, so I had my crack research staff find out all they could about blogs.

FUN FACTS ABOUT BLOGS

* The blog was invented by Edgar K. Blog in the 80's in attempt to spread lies for the sole purposes of evil. At the time, only two other people were reading the internet, but most experts say he was responsible for Black Friday.

* Blogs can simply turn on you at anytime for any reason. They attack without thought or provocation. Thus, make sure to always stay away from them and to disparage them in the media.

* A blog will use a dark art called the "hyperlink" to "link" to what you say in an attempt to slander you. If you see any blog using a hyperlink against you, immediately contact law enforcement to get them to stop.

* If you see a geeky looking male or a slutty looking female in front of a laptop, he or she could be a blogger. Don't make eye contact or say anything in front of them or they will destroy you.

* On September 11th, bloggers spread rumors about some sort of terrorist attack leading to a war with Iraq so bloggers could get more oil - a raw material essential for blogging.

* Bloggers are particularly depraved individuals. One infamous blogger was caught putting puppies in blenders to make smoothies. He now has to do community service as punishment which he fulfills by murdering hobos.

* They say the shift in information by blogger lies was so great that it actually moved the earth leading to the recent tsunami.

* Be careful of letting your daughters read blogs. Some are known to use ploys called "T-Shirt Babe Contests" to lead unsuspecting women into their lairs.

* The only reason people blog is for the money which the so called “blogosphere” is full of. It is estimated that, by 2010, 90% of people will blog instead of work causing the destruction of the worldwide economy.

* Blogs can often appear as other types of website that have real information instead of lies. If you suspect you're reading a blog, immediately smash your monitor with hammer.

* If it's an LCD, cutting the screen should work too.

* I haven’t really tried that; it just feels like material you should be able to cut.

* In a fight between blogs and Aquaman, blogs would keep hounding Aquaman about supposed statements he made at Davos about U.S. troops deliberately targeting fish until he was forced to resign from his job at CNN.

* If you are part of the mainstream media, blogs will keep demanding facts and objectivity from you. Don't give in! If you cede to this demand, who knows what they'll ask for next!

* If under attack by bloggers, stop, drop, and roll. Just make sure there isn't a blogger with a digital camera nearby or he'll probably make a big deal out of it.

* If blogs continue in their present march of destruction, the regular media will fall and you'll get all your information from what some guy named "Phil" can hack out during his coffee break. Even the greatest minds in science fiction could not imagine such a dystopic future.

Rating: 2.8/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (29) | Know Thy Enemy
ignis fatuous
Posted by Cadet Happy at 08:57 AM | Email This

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Rating: 2.3/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (8) | ignis fatuous
Things to Say While Getting a Lap Dance
Posted by Harvey at 07:37 AM | Email This

I'm not at liberty to mention how the topic came up, but it did.

An acquaintance of mine (who shall remain nameless, assuming the check clears) was chastised by a... let's just call her an "adult entertainment industry worker", shall we?... for being taciturn while receiving a lap dance.

As the gentleman exclaimed to me, "What SHOULD I have said?"

What indeed...


THINGS TO SAY WHILE GETTING A LAP DANCE

* Why, yes, I *do* come here often.

* Less dancing, more lapping, please.

* If that grind were any finer, you could work at Starbucks.

* Can you move to the left a little? You're making a long distance call on my cell phone.

* And no, you can't borrow it to tell your husband you'll be home late.

* OW! PINCHY! OW! OW!

* Personally, I think the whole existentialist movement was simply cognitive escapism in denial of mortality's undeniable inevitability and a subconscious avoidance of... OO! MOMMY!

* It's not that I'm not aroused, it's just that I'm intimidated because yours is bigger than mine.

* Two! Four! Six! Eight! Won't you help me masturbate?

* No, my pants are wet because I spilled my drink. Keep going.

* I just took a bottle of Enzyte. We're going to need a bigger chair for this.

* Finger lickin' good!

* Have I ever told you that you're my favorite sister?


That should help avoid those awkward social situations.

Just remember to kill any witnesses and bury them in shallow graves afterwards, lest they mention the event to your girlfriend.

Read More...


Rating: 2.7/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (26)
PRESS RELEASE: IMAO Is Now a Group Blog
Posted by Frank J. at 07:35 AM | Email This

Satire is a heavy burden for one man. There are so many issues in the day that many end up getting un-made fun of because of my other duties. Thus, after careful deliberation and much alcohol, I made the decision to turn IMAO into a group blog made of my hand picked "dream team."

THE IMAO HUMOR TYPE GUYS

Harvey: An invisible six foot rabbit who writes for Bad Example.

RightWingDuck: Token duck. Apparently also writes humor of some sort.

Cadet Happy: Expert of photoshop. Sometime imitates me or SarahK to confuse readers. I told him to stop that (well, SarahK I don't care about).

Scott McCollum: May recognize him as the voice work in the audio bits. Not as good imitating people in type, but I thought I'd give him a chance anyway.

FlyingSpaceMonkey: Apparently a monkey from space that flies or something. Just adding him so he won't try and run me off the road again.

SarahK: Token chick. Makes me dinner.

Frank J.: The humble and talented genius of IMAO you all know and love.

Everyone will have different amount of time to write, but hopefully now you'll have plenty of humor posts each day. Plus, soon I'll have About Me files up for each writer. We'll all probably have an adjustment period, but then IMAO will become the greatest blog in all of existence and the MSM will tremble before our might and wit.

That said, let's get started with the new IMAO...

Rating: 3.0/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (37)
February 16, 2005
Tomorrow, It Begins
Posted by Frank J. at 03:29 PM | Email This

Sorry, Bible scholars, but no post today. Hope to have that for tomorrow. As for the big change, tune in tomorrow morning.

Um... thought I had something else to say...

Eh, false alarm.

Be honorable, ronin.

UPDATE: Now I remember. This is funny. (hat tip RightWingNews)

Rating: 3.8/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (18)
Excerpts From the Captain's Log of the USS Jimmy Carter
Posted by Frank J. at 12:38 PM | Email This
...being all that separates us from the sea.

I could never admit to the crew the fear I have, though. Sure, they all joke about how our submarine was hacked together by a group of volunteers on a weekend and how, with our nuclear power, we won't have to wait in gas lines, but most are too young to really remember the unending horror that was the Carter presidency. Still, the crew all seems vaguely at unease, as if they're in a... well... malaise.

It's not like being named after that man is the mark of death, but...

* * * *

...the wound stings, but it's only superficial. I have no idea how many rabbits are hiding aboard this vessel, how they got here, and why they are attacking everyone in site. The crew is spooked. They're all taking it as a bad omen, just like how Ensign Chavez nearly choked to death on a peanut. Still, we...

* * * *

...nice to get some fresh air. The only problem was the photo taken that's been spread around the ship. While many are dismissive, others are sure that's the face of Satan formed in the water and are taking it as yet another bad omen. I saw the picture, and it looks more like Carter to me, but I'll keep that to myself.

Is that the sound of one of those rabbits? Why can't we kill a few simple...

* * * *

...is why I decided we need a break from this restlessness. Luckily, a French shipping vessel was spotted in open water. Seemed like a good live-fire test for our weapons systems. We fired a torpedo, but it just deflected off the side of our target. I'm not sure why it didn't detonate, but...

* * * *

...caused a huge panic, but the reactor wasn't even close to nuclear meltdown. I'd wish everyone stop comparing it to Three Mile Island. I'm thinking of ordering the finding of all history books onboard and destroying any pages related to events from 1976 to 1980 so everyone would stop finding these "omens." Then, I'll...

* * * *

...in a rush to find where the noise was coming from. We're a stealth submarine, for God's sake. How could such transmitters have been placed on board, I thought.

It became obvious when we found the note. "I disabled your torpedoes and made some other modifications to help you in your mission of peace." I would have thought it a joke, but I recognized the signature of Jimmy Carter as I would the mark of Satan himself. How could anyone let that mad man get anywhere near this submarine?!

What is being broadcast are some of Carter's speeches, and we are unable to stop it. It must be jamming all communication systems miles around us with nothing but the words of Carter, and thus all nearby countries have sent out attacks groups to destroy us.

I don't blame them.

I see the rabbits running about it what seems like a fevered joy. This will probably be my last entry. I just hope my family knows that I hate Jimmy Carter.

Rating: 4.0/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (31)
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 10:26 AM | Email This

Adultery in the military holds the punishment of up to a year in confinement plus a dishonorable discharge. In the military, what is the punishment for murder?

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Rating: 2.9/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (20) | Fun Trivia
In My World: Un-Poofy Part II
Posted by Frank J. at 09:49 AM | Email This

Part I

* * * *

"Howard Dean is certainly showing a lot of energy having just thrown Bush out the window of the Japanese embassy," CNN's Lefty Stevens commented, "As Dean proceeds to try and beat Bush to death, many may see that as a partisan gesture, but it sure is rallying his base."

"Kill! Blood! Kill!" shouted the gathered Democrats.

"We'll keep following this story as it unfolds," Stevens announced, "and then go to the news round up with more slander against the military."

"Yeaaaagh!" Dean screamed as he charged Bush. Bush rolled out of the way and Dean plowed into a brick wall, getting his head stuck in it. Bush ran over and delivered a series of kidney punches, but Dean pulled his head out of the brick wall and continued at Bush unperturbed.

"There's no stopping him!" Bush exclaimed as he backed away.

Dean ripped a streetlight out of the ground and swung it at Bush like a bat. "Yeaaagh!"

Bush went flying and hit the ground rolling. "I'm gonna feel that in the morning." He got up and turned to Dean. "I have some very important business with North Korea right now; can we save this partisan bickering for later?"

"Hate Republicans! Yeaaaagh!" Dean screamed as he ran at Bush. Bush fled as fast as he could, and then spotted a building marked as "Condemned" and ran for its door.

"Wait!" yelled a demolitions man, "We're about to blow up that building!"

"Yes," Bush answered as he continued towards it, "And set the explosives off at my mark." He kept running, and then paused for a moment to turn back to the demolitions man. "The signal will be me screaming like a little girl."

Bush came in through the door, and Dean then burst in through the wall. "Yeaaaagh! Your war is full of lies! Lies!"

"Shut up!" Bush yelled back as he fled up the stairs. He then took off his suit jacket and dangled it in front of him like a matador. "Come and get me, Howie."

"Yeaaagh!" Dean charged Bush who deftly moved aside and let Dean plow into a wall. Bush then jumped out a window and used his jacket to slide away on a power line.

"Eeeeee!" Bush screamed, and the building exploded behind him. The power line then gave way, and Bush plummeted to the pavement.

"I hate the Republicans and everything they stand for!" Dean was heard to shout as the building collapsed about him.

Bush looked up to see Condoleezza Rice standing over him. "Bravo. You outwitted a raving lunatic."

"Always knew I could," Bush said as he stood up and dusted himself off. He then looked to the smoldering ruins of the building. "Do you think he's dead?"

"You slowed him down at least," Condi answered, "Anyway, the Japanese found it very dishonorable how you snubbed their meeting to have a street fight and now won’t help us. Also, I talked to the Chinese, and they won't help us because they're damn Commies."

"But we can't have unilateral talks with North Korea!" Bush yelled, "That’s just what Jongy-boy wants! We need allies." Bush stopped to think.

After a while of silence, Condi prompted, "And?"

"Give me a little longer," Bush responded, "I ain't good at this."

* * * *

"If we nuked them, then they'd only be a nuclear threat in that they themselves would be irradiated," Rumsfeld suggested.

"No new wars right now," Bush answered.

Rumsfeld glanced at Condi. "I guess the administration is full of girls now."

"By the way, Rummy," Bush said, "Can I borrow Chomps, the world's angriest dog, to help protect me against Howard Dean, the world's angriest Democrat?"

"He has a busy schedule of hippy mauling," Rumsfeld responded, "He doesn't have time to be your bodyguard."

Bush looked to Chomps who was lying at Rumsfeld's feet. "Maybe he's just scared."

Chomps growled and snapped at Bush. Bush jumped on the table in the war room and then leapt up to the light fixture above to get away.

"One of your politician friends is here," Laura Bush called.

"Send him in," Bush said as he got back down and Chomps went back to his sleeping spot.

"Wow! Golly gosh!" shouted a man as he entered, "Thanks for asking me over!"

"And who is this?" Condi asked Bush.

"It's Joseph... uh... tell everyone your name."

"I'm Joseph Urusemal, and it's super cool to be here!"

"He's the prime minister or king or tribal leader or whatever of Micronesia," Bush explained.

"I'm a president, just like you!" Urusemal exclaimed, "We're so much like America in Micronesia and just love helping out."

"That's great, Joey," Bush said with a forced smile.

"Micronesia?" Condi questioned.

"They're one of the few countries in the world that try to suck up to us," Bush whispered to her, "We need these talks to be multilateral, and he was the only one that agreed to come."

"We're going to give those mean 'ole North Koreans such a talking to, ya betcha!" Urusemal said excitedly, "You can't go wrong with Micronesia on your side!"

Rumsfeld chuckled. "Looks like I'm going to have that war after all."

* * * *

"We have the intelligence you asked for." The intelligence agent handed over a document to Kim Jon Il.

Jong eagerly opened the folder to see a picture of a briefcase. "You're sure this is the president's?"

"Quite sure."

"Excellent! Hee hee hee!" Jong giggled with girlish glee.

"One problem," the intelligence agent said, "Bush is bringing another head of state with him to the talks."

"No!" Jong shouted, "That will ruin my plans! We need to get him here alone!" Jong turned to the mullah from Iran standing in the room. "If you want America destroyed and nuclear weapons of your own, you stall Bush while I intimidate the South Koreans. Also, kill whoever is with him!"

The mullah smiled. "It will be done."

TO BE CONTINUED...

Rating: 2.2/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (8) | In My World
February 15, 2005
The Winds of Change Do Blow
Posted by Frank J. at 02:32 PM | Email This

A huge change is coming to IMAO - the biggest change ever to this blog - one that will make it bigger, bolder, funnier, and its acronym even more mysterious. Those who fear change may flee, but those who stay shall be rewarded with the best blog in the existance of time and space.

What is this change? I shall announce soon. Until then, begin rampant speculation...

...

...

...

NOW!

UPDATE: Just to be clear, this isn't some joke thing (A joke? On IMAO? Surely you jest!). This will be quite a huge change to IMAO, but a few details and some prep has to be done before I do the formal announcement (and the change is made). I am quite excited, though, and thus needed to tease you about it all.

Rating: 3.2/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (65)
Notes and Asides
Posted by Frank J. at 12:44 PM | Email This

I'll try getting back to Bible posts tomorrow. I read some more for Monday, but it was boring and I decided I needed to read a bit more to have something worth posting about (and don't start telling me how saying the Word of God needs more cowbell is blasphemous; I already know that). I didn't have time to read yesterday, but will make time tonight.

Also, I have an announcement coming up later today. Actually, it's a teaser announcement for a big announcement. So this is actually the announcement that I'm going to announce I have an announcement coming.

Anyhoo, stay tuned...

Rating: 3.8/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (15)
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 11:07 AM | Email This

Who was the first person forced to resign by the digital lynch mob that are blogs?

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Rating: 1.6/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (7) | Fun Trivia
We're Like Digital Lynch Mobs... Minus the Lynching... And the Mobs (We Are Digital, Though)
An Editorial by Frank J.
Posted by Frank J. at 10:13 AM | Email This

 So I was watching Hannity and Colmes last night (and, before you ask what I was doing watching political shows, I decided to wait until my woman was done cooking my dinner before turning on 24 as my Valentine's Day gift), and they were talking about the Eason Jordan resignation. When Democratic strategist Bob Beckel got asked about the incident, he had to pipe in with a non-sequitur rant about bloggers, and I was like, "What did he just say?!"

"Make sure to spread around that Bob Beckel is a racist pedophile and get him fired from whatever it is he does."

 Then I remembered that I now have Tivo, so I rewound to hear what he just said. He called us a bunch of "pseudo-journalists" who are unanswerable to anyone and have no concern for the facts and have "no rules of engagement". Or, at least I think that's what I said as I watched it last night and don't feel like looking up the transcript.

 Anyway, if you read nothing else from this editorial, I just want to say that Bob Beckel is a pedophile... and a racist. Make sure to spread around that Bob Beckel is a racist pedophile and get him fired from whatever it is he does.

 So, Beckel's point seemed to be that bloggers can suddenly turn on anyone at any moment regardless of the facts and get him or her fired as the MSM is now fearful of our torches and pitchforks. Also, the way he said "bloggers" was like it was a swear word... sort of like how we right-wingers turned "liberal" into one (that was so cool). Now, Beckel is in no way a journalist, so it's starting to look like some people on the left want to bring down the status of blogs entirely, thinking that stopping the right-leaning blogs is important enough to take down the lefty ones as collateral damage despite how they took down Gannon - whoever the hell he is - for doing... well... whatever the hell he was doing (I think he filmed gay porn at a White House press conference. I'm not sure about that one, so, if you're another blog, don't quote me on that; if you’re the MSM, knock yourself out). Many people out there - journalists and politicians - are scared of us, which is both fun and cool.

 To be honest, I'd have to write better to be even a "pseudo" journalist, but the only reason I have any traffic is that I can sponge off other blogs that do real punditry and reporting. But, being a good parasite, I'm defensive of my host (to be honest, it would be too hard to find a new one). Still, I have to look into this charge that bloggers are really just some sort of lynch mob. And, in fact, the Eason Jordan story reminds me of a historical incident.

 In 1869 in Arizona, Daniel Dempsey was thought by many to be a cattle rustler. Law enforcement at the time made no moves to do anything about this. Finally brought to the breaking point by another theft of cattle, a mob of a few dozen people - rifles and shotguns in hand - went to the ranch of the theft and demanded security videos to find out what had actually happened. Dempsey and his employer stalled the efforts, and then Dempsey hanged himself.

 Without hyperbole, I can say this was the worst incident of mob "justice" in the history of mankind and perhaps the universe.

 And, that's exactly what played out with Eason Jordan.

BLOGGERS: We heard that Eason Jordan had accused our troops of targeting journalists. We would like to see the Davos tapes to get to the truth in the matter.

EASON JORDAN: I resign.

MSM: LYNCH MOB!

 Of course, many bloggers see themselves as doing the job the old dinosaur of the MSM is failing to do. A great many people saw the Eason Jordan remarks as a legitimate story, but there was no push by the MSM to pursue it. Truth was sought, not a lynching. Plus, most bloggers I have met in person are crotchety loners who are uncomfortable in large crowds, so the mob part is slander.

 Still, Steve Lovelady, managing editor of CJR Daily, referred to the bloggers' actions in the Eason Jordan incident saying, "The salivating morons who make up the lynch mob prevail." Of course, since it’s only us bloggers - the salivating morons in lynch mobs - who seem to be prevailing at anything these days, what does that make the MSM? Drooling retard loners?

 I guess there is a real fear of us now, as even I have more intelligent dialogue than that on my humble little blog - and I'm trying to be an idiot.

Frank J. is a salivating moron who is actually illiterate and writes through the use of diction software.

Rating: 2.6/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (28) | Editorials
February 14, 2005
The Gay, Liberal Congressman from Massachusetts Who, By the Way, Stood Up for Our Troops
Posted by Frank J. at 01:45 PM | Email This

Well, Eason Jordan resigned. Yet another head claimed by the blogosphere.

** yawn **

What we wanted was the frick'n tape! What was said? What was the reaction? How do we even know that Jordan should have resigned without hearing the evidence?

One thing I'd like to point out, though, is that the biggest heroes in this incident are Democrats Rep. Barney Frank and Sen. Christopher Dodd who didn't let Jordan's statements about troops targeting journalists - whatever exactly they were - go unquestioned.

We get caught up in partisanship a lot - to the muckadoos there is no other motivator - but I love times when I get to see our congressmen - whatever his or her party - be an American over everything else. Who knows if this story would have gotten this far if they hadn't stood up against that slander.

Of course, next time they something I disagree with, I'm going to be on them like white on rice as always, but I still wanted to take a moment for a group hug.

Rating: 1.9/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (21)
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 11:44 AM | Email This

Who invented Valentine's Day?

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Rating: 2.6/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (23) | Fun Trivia
My Sweet Valentine
Posted by Frank J. at 09:41 AM | Email This

I am the luckiest guy in the world - much luckier than you - because I have the sweet SarahK. What you do get is more modeling photos of her, though. Just keep refreshing the page and check the shots on the right sidebar.

That's my girlfriend.

UPDATE: BTW, if you're an Alias fan, SarahK has a new Alias episode synopsis up.

Rating: 2.7/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (22)
In My World: Un-Poofy
Posted by Frank J. at 09:40 AM | Email This

"Release the lock!"

An aide held one end of a long rope and yanked it, pulling open the lock of the giant cage. The door was kicked open, and out came a growling and snarling creature.

"Ladies, gentleman, I present you the new head of the Democratic National Committee."

"Yeaaaaagh!" Howard Dean screamed as he overturned his desk. He then lifted up a chair and smashed it over his own head.

"Yeaaaaagh!

"Remember to stay on message!" suggested an aide.

Dean grabbed the man by his neck and lifted him into the air. "Yeaaaagh!" Dean screamed as he threw the man out the window.

"The message is that the Bush administration is full of lies!" Dean shrieked. "Lies! Lies!" he repeated as he punched through the drywall. He then turned towards the cameras and charged them. "Hate Republicans! Kill Republicans!" He threw a punch at a camera, and the screen went to static.

"I don't get it," Bush said as he turned off the T.V., "So are the Democrats trying to energize themselves, or is this some form of elaborate political suicide?"

"They're the frick'n Hindenburg," Cheney commented, "I just would make sure not to be anywhere near them as they burst into flames and plummet toward the earth."

"I wouldn't be so dismissive of Dean, though," Bush said, "I hear when he gets in his rages, bullets can't stop him."

Karl Rove emerged from the shadows. "The Book of Punditry has prophesized such things," he intoned, "'A bomb in the form of a man will lead the opposition, and all must be done to stay away when he explodes.' We must do everything to not engage this force of rage." Rove then faded back into the darkness.

"We really have other things to worry about, Mr. President," Condoleezza Rice stated.

"Why? The elections result in Iraq are in," Bush answered, "I brought democracy where there once was none. I'm a God among men!"

"But there is the problem of Iran and North Korea still," Condi said, "Especially now that North Korea has announced they have nuclear weapons."

"Again!" Bush exclaimed, "That's horrible!" Bush then paused for a moment. "North Korea is the bad Korea, right?"

Condi rolled her eyes. "Yes."

"That's horrible!" Bush repeated, "but I guess there can't be any real trouble as long as their leader is a stupid poofy-haired freak."

Condi gulped. "He cut his hair, sir."

There was a long silence in the room. "They have to be stopped!"

"Kim Jon Il is demanding bilateral talks between just us and them," Condi stated.

"No way!" Bush answered, "I hate Asian people."

"I have a solution to all this," Rumsfeld said, standing up and fixing his tie, "War! War! Kill! Kill!" Rumsfeld ripped a world map off of the wall and started stomping on it.

"Those are expensive to replace, Rummy," Bush whined.

Rumsfeld turned to Condi. "I bet the diplomat has some talky answer to all this."

Condi stood up and stared Rumsfeld in the face. "If all the concerned nations could act in concert, we could convince North Korea back into multilateral talks."

"Bah!" Rumsfeld snorted, "Being the Secretary of State has made you weak! You could never be the Secretary of War like me!"

Condi curled her hand into a fist.

"Hey, let's stop all the fuss'n and the feud’n," Bush said as he stepped between them, "We'll try talking to North Korea, and, if that doesn't work, we'll explode into an orgy of violence. Sound good to you, Big Time?"

"This doesn't involved more oil contracts for Halliburton," Cheney stated, "So I don't give a rat's ass."

Bush smiled. "Then we are all in agreement."

* * * *

"I am Kim Jong Il!" Kim Jong Il shouted, "I am very powerful! I am also very sexy! Look, my hair is no longer poofy!"

"It certainly is not, sir," his aide answered.

"And I have nuclear weapons!" Jong said, "Americans now very scared of me! Nuclear weapons very scary! I have them now!" Jong then grabbed a nuclear warhead and started shaking it. "My nuclear weapon! Mine!"

"Please be careful with that, sir," the aide warned, gently pulling Jong away.

"I have many plans for America!" Jong stated, "They will be destroyed! They will be the poofy-haired ones! Muh hee hee hee hee!"

* * * *

Bush sat in the waiting room of the Japanese embassy. "Who could they be talking to right now who is more important than me?" he mused aloud, "I didn't get stuck behind Jesus again, did I?"

Suddenly the wall exploded open, and there was Howard Dean staring right at Bush. "Republicans evil! Republicans die! Yeaaaaagh!"

Bush reached into his pocket and pulled out a handful of 9mm rounds. He threw them in Dean's face, but he shrugged them off and continued charging Bush.

"Oh no! Bullets really can't stop him!"

TO BE CONTINUED...

Rating: 2.7/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (22) | In My World
February 13, 2005
Dude, I'm Like Totally an Ass
Posted by Frank J. at 02:16 PM | Email This

So, I wanted a drink to go with the cigar Harvey gave me, and I asked for a martini. There wasn't any vermouth, so I settled for a rum and coke. But then, I guess they got vermouth and made a martini, but it was a dirty martini. It was realized that I didn't like the taste of oilve juice, so a regular martini was made and I quickly finished the dirty one to get to the other.

Throw in a Bud beforehand, and, yeah, I'm an idiot.

Only the second time I've ever been drunk, made more the embarassing that it was in front of people I just met for the first time. I remembered most of it (including the double drunk post - left it double posted for that good drunk effect), but, when I sobered up before SarahK drove home, a number of incidents were described to me that I don't remember. That's scary to me. I'm smarter than that, and I'm not going to ever get drunk again.

Tammi was a great host, by the way. I really enjoyed meeting and talking with Harvey and Beloved Wife, Johnny - Oh, _Jon, Boudicca, Teresa, and LeeAnn and her husband and their dog. As I always say, blog people are good people - whether you're sober or drunk. Hopefully they all didn't say mean things about me on their blogs.

Anyway, just want to apologize for being a fool... when I didn't mean to be.

Rating: 2.8/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (42)
February 12, 2005
Dude, I'm Like Totally Drunk
Posted by Frank J. at 07:07 PM | Email This

I've never posted drunk before, so I thought I'd tell all you readers, "I love you, man!"

Now, what's somethign really blasphemous I can sya. Damn, I can barely hit the keys. Well, all these bloggers I'm with are really cool, thought I haven't heartd of them except for HArvey - barely.

Whoa, they have like a fish on their laptop. I beter remeber to sign out, or they'll like totally take afavantage of my login.

I am the great Frank J.! Worship me!

Rating: 2.8/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (35)
Dude, I'm Like Totally Drunk
Posted by Frank J. at 07:06 PM | Email This

I've never posted drunk before, so I thought I'd tell all you readers, "I love you, man!"

Now, what's somethign really blasphemous I can sya. Damn, I can barely hit the keys. Well, all these bloggers I'm with are really cool, thought I haven't heartd of them except for HArvey - barely.

Whoa, they have like a fish on their laptop. I beter remeber to sign out, or they'll like totally take afavantage of my login.

I am the great Frank J.! Worship me!

Rating: 3.3/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (7)
February 11, 2005
Have a Good Weekend
Posted by Frank J. at 03:51 PM | Email This

I'll be meeting up with other bloggers this weekend and coming back with more funny as usual this Monday.

Until then, read your Bibles. Peace, yo.

Rating: 2.8/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (11)
Frank Reads the Bible: Genesis 10-13
Posted by Frank J. at 01:42 PM | Email This

I have to apologize, I realized (after SarahK spit in my dinner) that I was a bit harsh with my post yesterday. Christianity is important to me, and I got overtaken in my passion and became too dismissive of beliefs I don't happen to share. The word "asinine" was particularly inappropriate. I have my own views that I have formed through my own thinking, but I shouldn't be so arrogant as to act like my own opinions are scripture or I risk wandering off the reservation. I should read with an open mind - for I have much to learn - balanced by my skepticism. Thus, I will follow the example of Jesus - who apologized every time he was wrong - and say I'm sorry for my tone yesterday.

That said, today's secret word is "begot." Remember to scream real loud whenever you see it.

Moses really could have used an editor. There is a whole chapter devoted to "this guy had these sons, and those sons had these sons." Sorry, but my eyes just glaze over at those parts. Only thing notable is some of the names. Gomer, Tubal, Cush, Put, Lud, Uz, and Hul. Why don't we see these names in more baby books?

"Dude, where'd you get a cool gangsta nickname like Tubal?"

"Actually, it’s my given Christian name; it's biblical, you know. Anyway, let's get back to busting caps in people's asses."

Then, of course, there is Nimrod, son, of Cush, son of Ham who done saw his dad neckid. Gen. 10:9 -

He was a mighty hunter before the LORD; therefore it is said, "Like Nimrod the mighty hunter before the LORD."

Funny, don't they say today, "Like Nimrod, the idiot." Maybe I'm missing something.

About this chapter I notice an item of concern: No woman has been mentioned by name since Eve, and she was only worth mentioning because she screwed up paradise. The next woman to be named is Sarai at the end of Chapter 11, noted for being barren. That's pretty phaleocentric... or something.

Just thought I'd put that out there.

Anyway, onto the tower of Babel and confusion... and I mean my confusion. Now, as a kid, I thought the story was that God punished man's hubris of trying to build a tower to reach Heaven by making them all speak funny, but the language in this Bible translation doesn't make that so clear.

So, everyone speaks one language at this point, and they're like, "Let's get together and build a tower." Sounds logical so far. So then read this (Gen. 11:6-7):

And the LORD said, "Indeed the people are one and they all have one language, and this is what they begin to do; now nothing that they propose to do will be withheld from them. Come, let Us go down and there confuse their language, that they may not understand one another's speech."

Couple of questions here. Since many Bibles put Jesus's words in red, why doesn't God speaking get any special treatment? Shouldn't He be in like giant font in bold?

And what is God's reasoning here? Is He saying that these people have too much ability and He's decided to mess things up, like someone who got bored with an ant farm and decides to shake it like an Etch-a-Sketch?

And who is this "Us"? Is that a divine Us, or he is like speaking to his mafia-like angels?

"We're going to go down there and smack these people around 'till they don't even know their own language no more."

So everyone gets their languages messed up and God scatters them good. That leaves a few more questions, such as what was the one original language? Esperanto?

And what were the heinous crimes of those made to speak French? Did they see both their father and mother neckid?

Well, the Babel story is followed by more begattery which I'm just getting plain tired of. We learn that people are now living only like two hundred to four hundred years instead of nine hundred - which I guess is of interest. Anyway, we finally get from Shem to Abram and his wife, the aforementioned Sarai, and their wacky adventures.

So God tells Abram to get a moving since He'll lead him to a land in which he'll form a great nation. Thus, people understanding its a good idea to do what God tells you in this time, Abram heads off with Sarai and his nephew Lot. Soon, they get to Egypt and Abram says to Sarai, "Damn, woman, you fine! But let's just say I'm your brother so no one kills me to steal you away."

Wuss.

And what's he so worried about? They're only a few generations down from Noah; shouldn't all these people still be meeting together at family reunions?

Anyhoo, in a plot right out of a sitcom, the Pharaoh tries to put the moves on Sarai and then gets plagued by God. Then the Pharaoh finds out the reason he is getting plagued is because Sarai is actually Abram's wife and it ends with them all having a laugh over the wacky misunderstanding... or something.

And who's the Pharaoh? I spent five hours reading about 80 billion different sons, so why not tell me who the Pharaoh is and who he's related to? Or did I miss that when my eyes glazed over?

Moving on, Abram is pretty rich in livestock and what not, and so is Lot. They’re running our of grazing room, so Abram tries to settle things by saying Lot pick one way and he'll go the other way. Lot, being a ripe bastard, picks the well-watered areas towards Sodom and Gomorrah (which the Book tells us are going to be destroyed - totally ruining the surprise).

So Abram head into Cannan, and the Lord promises all the land to him, and Abram builds an altar (as he seems to like doing that). The wording was interesting (Gen. 13:14-17):

And the LORD said to Abram, after Lot had separated from him: "Lift your eyes now and look from the place where you are northward, southward, eastward, and westward; for all the land which you see I give to you and your descendants forever. And I will make your descendants as the dust of the earth; so that if a man could number the dust of the earth, then your descendants also could be numbered. Arise, walk in the land through its length and its width, for I give it to you."

I'm making a jump here, but, going by this text, if we could number the dust on the earth, could we then figure how many people had to live before Armageddon occurs?

Then again, it'll be just like the hanging chad thing as we get into argument about what technically is dust or not.

So what's the moral of these four chapters?

No frick'n clue. Maybe it's don't build large towers. Actually, the whole Babel idea seemed pretty bad as they were just using bricks and didn't have any steel supports. Come to think of it, if God hadn't scattered those people, it would have fallen and hurt someone and there would be lawsuits until the Israelis reached the Promised Land.

Well, we'll continue our adventure through the Old Testament later. Hopefully I'm past all the begetting, and the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah are coming up which should be fun. See you then, thumpers.

Rating: 2.4/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (53) | Frank Reads the Bible
I Should Be an Advisor to Dr. Rice
Posted by Frank J. at 10:48 AM | Email This

Since North Korea is so obsessed with getting unilateral talks, why don't we agree to them. We'll set up the meeting, and, when Kim Jong Il comes into the meeting he'll find himself face to face with... Chriac!

Ha! We never said unilateral with who, doofus!

Actually, I kinda get the feeling that, if Kim Jong Il did movies, he'd be pretty popular in France.

Rating: 4.8/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (13)
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 08:52 AM | Email This

Who is this Gannon character all the lefty blogs and DU are obsessing about?

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Rating: 3.3/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (20) | Fun Trivia
IMAO EXCLUSIVE!!! MORE SHOCKING THINGS ABOUT NORTH KOREA!!!
Posted by Frank J. at 08:47 AM | Email This

North Korea has a nuclear bomb! Holy sh...

Wait, I thought we already knew that. Well, everyone else is acting surprised since the announcement and I don't want to be left out.

Well, here are even more shocking things about North Korea that IMAO attained at great expense.

SHOCKING NEW INFO ABOUT NORTH KOREA!!!

MUST CREDIT IMAO!!!

* It's really more accurately North-Northwest Korea.

* Their leader's hair is poofy.

* Very poofy.

* I mean weapons grade poofy.

* North Korea, unlike America, has no epidemic obesity problem.

* Instead, they have more of an "unintentional anorexia" problem.

* While they will eat cooked dog, they think it's sick to put a puppy in a blender.

* Oh! So poofy!

* While acting all belligerent when being placed in the "Axis of Evil" by President Bush, their feelings were hurt more than anything else.

* All the mines in the DMZ were cleared out years ago and they just don't know it.

* Their Secretary of Treasury is really a monkey.

* And he's doing the best he can considering the economic situation.

* His best involves lots of poo flinging.

* There is a secret group of dissidents in North Korea that wish their leader’s hair wasn't quite so poofy.

* Even though technically atheist, they have claimed to be offended by the "Frank Reads the Bible" posts.

* Poofy!

ALL VERY SHOCKING!!! MUST CREDIT IMAO!!!

Rating: 2.1/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (20) | IMAO Exclusives
February 10, 2005
Frank Reads the Bible: Further Discussion of Genesis
Posted by Frank J. at 02:36 PM | Email This

I plan to keep up this "Frank Reads the Bible" series going as it is finally motivating me to read the Bible cover to cover with intense interest (you need to pay attention to make jokes). I think I should clarify where I'm coming from, though. I find the beginning of the Bible (Genesis) immensely silly... both logically and theologically. It sounds just like the ridiculous mythology from many other cultures of why it rains and where does the sun come from. Also, it’s hard for me to believe that God, the Creator of the universe, the most powerful Being that could possibly exist, went about things in such an asinine fashion.

That said, for the purpose of this series, I'm accepting everything at face value.

Now here is where I'm going to do some preaching and probably rub some people the wrong way (SarahK included). I think all this arguing about how many animals can fit into how many cubits and how all of creation really did just drop out of the sky hurts Christianity.

We have Jesus, the son of God walking among man and delivering messages of immeasurable value, and, having that, I don't give a rats ass about the validity of Genesis. It's piddling crap in comparison. Jesus showed me my value and my worth, and the exact details of how humanity came about thousands or millions of years ago will not affect that. Furthermore, the more time spent arguing about it, the more people think Christians are loons and the less time Jesus's word gets spread.

I've gone to the sites mentioned by a few readers trying to combine science with the idea the world is only thousands of years old, and its horrid. The human mind is a powerful thing; if it starts with something it believes as fact, it can manipulate any evidence into supporting that "fact." Real science involves collecting data and then making a conclusion. Now, there is plenty of bad science that doesn't involve religion, but I've hardly seen any good science that does (good science with religion is studying whether people who pray heal faster – which only proves what it states to prove, not whether God exists or if He actually hears our prayers).

Now, I'd take the Bible more seriously on issues of science if God sat down and explained Newtonian physics to Moses, but He doesn't. It's not His modus operandi. If he was going to leave fossils that proved his existence, He might as well appear in the sky and shout, "Booga! Booga!" so we all know He's there's and believe in Him. Instead, God made all our laws of science and seems to stick to them (Jesus's resurrection would be glaring example against that, but you'll never find anyone prove scientifically that it happened). In the end, faith has to come from the heart, not geological evidence.

Anyhoo, Derbyshire recently dealt with a similar issue and I think his view is worth reading. Next, I'll be getting back to finishing Genesis as I know the Tower of Babel is coming up, and, if I can't make a good joke about that, I'm not Frank J.

Well, there was my… let’s see… 47 cents on the issue.

Now cast your stones.

Rating: 2.7/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (109) | Frank Reads the Bible
The Enemy of My Enemy Is My Enemy Since I Was Just Kidding About the First Being My Enemy
Posted by Frank J. at 11:41 AM | Email This

In case you missed it, Jonah Goldberg has been debating the asshat Juan Cole starting with Goldberg mocking a statement by Cole that the election in Iran were much more democratic than those in Iraq. Cole broke it down into a bunch of ad hominem attacks (history of the debate here), especially the non-sequitur of Goldberg being a "chickenhawk." From checking on lefty blogs, it turned into open season on harassing Goldberg (meaning my harassment goes unnoticed), so I wrote him my opinion on the whole chickenhawk issue. Goldberg seemed to appreciate it, and, since I don't think I've covered the issue here, I'll reprint most of what I wrote:

SUBJECT: Why a young warblogger like me isn't in Iraq

'cause I don't wanna go.

I'm 25, I don't have a family of my own, but I have a job here and I do a lot of good work through it (the contribution of my blogging is debatable, but I get e-mails from troops who appreciate it). If were to quit my job to sign up for the military, it would only be a symbolic gesture because my actual contribution through fighting would most likely be negligible.

My brother, on the other hand, as always been drawn to the military and signed up with the Marine a long time ago hoping for a conflict (you don't join the Marines to not kill people). He's finally heading to Iraq in March.

Now, if there were a call for people to sign up because of a lack of troops, that would be different (family tradition dictates dodging the draft by signing up), but this isn't WWII.

My suggestion to you is tell anyone who isn't an actively serving troop doesn't have the right to call you a chickenhawk... going by the logic of those who call people chickenhawks.

Whether you like my argument or not, I think being a "chickenhawk" is better than being a muckadoo.

Rating: 4.5/5 (1 vote cast)

Comments (25)
Gotta Target Something
Posted by Frank J. at 09:16 AM | Email This

I had to assume that someone as esteemed as Eason Jordan of CNN was telling the truth, so I asked a number of troops why they target reporters. The common answers given happened to be ten in number, so:

THE TOP TEN REASONS GIVEN BY U.S. TROOPS FOR TARGETING REPORTERS

10. "A bullet is just the same as saying, 'No comment.'"

9. "One person’s Reuters reporter is another person's terrorist."

8. "It's a common sentiment among Marines that the coverage of the Michael Jackson trial is particularly slanted."

7. "Those cameras look quite a bit like a rocket launchers... you know, if you squint a bit and ignore the reflection off the lens."

6. "Running out of other targets."

5. "Actually targeting any anti-American wackos, but reporters just happen to be the most available examples."

4. "One asked me what kind of tree I would be, and I didn't take a liking to it."

3. "Was cleaning the tank and it accidentally went off. What of it?"

2. "They were unable to answer who won the last World Series, so I assumed them to be Soviet spies."

And the number one reason given by U.S. troops for targeting reporters…

"They're reporters."

Rating: 3.7/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (28)
Who Are We Supposed to Target?
Posted by Frank J. at 07:04 AM | Email This

Eason Jordan has inspired me to create a great new t-shirt design to send to our troops:

See? Now they have fair warning. Everyone is happy.

Muh ha ha ha!

(that's my happy laugh)

Rating: 3.4/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (22)
February 09, 2005
The Terror Is Over
Posted by Frank J. at 03:56 PM | Email This

The year of the monkey has ended. Set monkey alert levels back to yellow.

That is all.

Rating: 1.8/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (23)
Frank Reads the Bible: Genesis 5-9
Posted by Frank J. at 01:49 PM | Email This

Time to talk about Noah and the Ark.

Anyway, after the Cain and Abel story, there's a whole lot of begattery going on and people living even longer than Yoda. Noticeably absent for Chapter 5 is Cain and how long he lived; apparently he doesn't pop up again until the computer game Command & Conquer. The longest living, of course, is Methuselah (did his friends call him "Meth"?) at 969 years. SarahK says if you follow the chapters and do the math, he dies the year of the flood. I'll take her word for it because I didn't expect there to be word problems in the Bible and didn't have my calculator on me.

But we're getting ahead of ourselves.

So God suddenly declares man's "days shall be one hundred and twenty years," and giants are walking the earth and I've just given up on expecting the author, Moses, to give me anymore details of all this wackiness.

Now God gets angry (He's like angry throughout the Old Testament) at man's wickedness and declares, "I'm gonna kill the bastards!" (not an actual Bible quote). Then he realized that Noah is ‘aight so he spares him, his wife, his sons - Ham, Shem, and Japheth (where do they get these names?) - and their families.

Now comes the most detail yet in the Bible as God explains step by step how to build an ark. Yeah, people popping out of nowhere and giants wandering around doesn't need any explanation, but we learn how the ark was built down to about where each nail goes.

At least now we know where Jesus got his interest in carpentry from.

Noah is commanded to take onto the ark all the animals there are - seven each of the clean animals and two each of the unclean (I'm not sure exactly about the clean/unclean distinction, but I know it was discussed in the movie Pulp Fiction). Now, I admit I don't know how big a cubit is, but you aren't going to fit every specie of animal on that boat - I don't even care if it has four decks.

Supposedly, though, Noah shoves them all in there (luckily there being no Humane Society to stop him) and somehow gets the thing afloat when it rains for forty days and forty nights (almost as bad as Seattle). So the water goes up fifteen cubits (I really should look up how long a cubit is) and covers the mountains and kills everything on the land. Think of all those drowning puppies.

Of course, I'm going, "Bull." There is not enough water on earth to cover all the land and mountains, even if you melt all the ice. Are we supposed to believe that God just made water out of nowhere? And where did it all go when it receded?

Look at this verse (Gen 8:1):

Then God remembered Noah, and every living thing, and all the animals that were with him in the ark. And God made a wind to pass over the earth, and the waters subsided.

First off, God just forgot about them? What in the world was He up to? It makes me wonder if God has other universes to play with and we're just a side interest.

And the water was blown away by wind? Evidently, Noah, Moses, and/or God do not understand the water cycle (and I'm not thinking it's God).

Whatever. Let's just take it at face value. Now, instead of everyone descending from Adam and Eve, Noah the new origin as only he and his kin weren't voted off the island. And God then displays the symbol of gay pride as his covenant that He'll never fly off the handle and kill everyone again. So every time you see a rainbow, remember that God has given up His mass-murdering ways... at least by flood.

Now here is where things get weird.

No, really, this is where I'm completely lost. Noah makes wine and then gets completely wasted, passing out drunk and naked - nothing unusual yet. Now lookee here (Gen 9:22-23 for those playing along at home):

And Ham, the father of Canaan, saw the nakedness of his father, and told his two brothers outside. But Shem and Japheth took a garment, laid it on both their shoulders, and went backward and covered the nakedness of their father. Their faces were turned away, and they did not see their father's nakedness.

Now Noah gets all mad at Ham after this, when it seemed like Ham was the one wronged by seeing his father naked when he probably didn't even mean to. Now SarahK told me that "saw the nakedness of his father" is a euphemism for... uh... nastier things, but the next part about Shem and Japheth being careful not to look at their naked six-hundred something year-old father (and who wouldn't be careful once warned by your scarred for life brother) seems to me to imply that all Ham did was see Noah naked (probably then exclaiming, "Gah!" and shielding his eyes ala Hank Hill).

Whatever really happened, the crazy thing is Noah doesn't curse Ham (probably figuring having the name "Ham" being a big enough curse) and instead curses Ham's son Canaan to be a servant of the others and such. What the hell did he do?

Some used the curse as evidence why slavery of Africans was okay, but the whole part seems more like evidence that God was a little hasty in picking Noah as the righteous one. I really think Ham, Shem, and Japheth should have gotten together and given their father an intervention.

In toto, I take the lesson of the flood is that everyone deserves a mulligan... even the Lord.

Rating: 2.6/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (103) | Frank Reads the Bible
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 08:59 AM | Email This

What's the penalty for homosexuality in Iran?

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Rating: 2.6/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (15) | Fun Trivia
Know Thy Enemy: Iran
Posted by Frank J. at 08:55 AM | Email This

It looks like Iran could be next on the list for getting "democratic reforms," if you know what I mean. Thus, I had my crack research staff find out all they can about the country.

FUN FACTS ABOUT IRAN

* Iran is part of the Axis of Evil along with North Korea and Diet Pepsi.

* Iraq was once part of the Axis of Evil but is now part of the Axis of Happy Fun Democracies.

* According to the CIA World Factbook, Iran is slightly larger than Alaska. Who the hell do they think they are? Well, a few bombs should take care of that.

* Iran is one of the leaders in state sponsored terrorism, helping Hezbollah, Hamas, and the ACLU.

* We have sanctions against them because of that, but most of the radical Islamists don't want a Big Mouth Billy Bass anyway.

* The main diet of Iranians is canned corn and grape soda as dictated in the Koran.

* Iran was taken over by an evil Ayatollah and the clerics in 1979 while taking a number of Americans hostages. Carter, the most inept world leader in the history of mankind, handled this ineptly, but the hostages were still released when Reagan took office.

* Iran pretends to have democracy, but is really ruled by Iran's clerics. The advantage is, if you think you messed up on the butterfly ballot, it doesn't really matter.

* Many of the youth in Iran desire real democratic reforms. Those crazy punk kids and their desire for democratic reforms.

* When the dictatorship is finally toppled, the clerics will probably exclaim, "We would have gotten away with our theocratic, Islamic rule if it weren't for you meddling kids!"

* Because of the supreme Islamic rule, if you suspect you are in Iran, whatever you do, don't piss on a Koran.

* In a fight between Aquaman and Iran, Aquaman would get taken hostage and have to be rescued by the other Super Friends as usual... unless they finally got tired of rescuing his ass.

* Iran, much like Japan, rhymes with Suzanne.

* If you ever find yourself face to face with an Iranian cleric, don't panic. Instead, get him in a headlock and yank on his beard.

* Much like the hippopotamus, Iranian clerics have a four-chambered heart.

* War with Iran would be an easy follow up to Iraq since they're right next to each other and all you'd have to do is change one letter in the war plans.

* Iran has a big military with guns and tanks and planes... oh and bullets for the guns, so fighting them might take a day or two.

* Iran is trying to get their hands on nuclear weapons… but don't worry; we still have like thousands more than them.

* If we have to fight the people from Iran and they retreat - i.e., run - there has to be joke there somewhere.

* No, can't think of any.

Rating: 1.7/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (29) | Know Thy Enemy
February 08, 2005
Cat Training
Posted by Frank J. at 03:33 PM | Email This

After trying to sleep in and being woken up multiple times by my kitten climbing up the headboard, sticking her paw between the slats, and clawing the top of my head, I've decided the only way to properly discipline her is to throw her into a bog.

Anyone know of a good, out of the way bog?

Rating: 2.6/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (51)
Frank Reads the Bible: Genesis 4
Posted by Frank J. at 01:17 PM | Email This

So I Google searched "New King James Bible" and found a bunch of sites that pretty much said it was written by Satan himself. Ends up, there's like a group out there that hates every Bible other than the King James Version.

What a bunch of spazzes.

Oh, and for the concerned Catholics, I have a regular Catholic Bible too; it's just soft-cover and getting kinda ratty. I'll get a new one later. Can never have too many Bibles (except for that Living Bible I have... ugh). Ends up that the Catholics were slow to having an English Bible because many didn't think that the laymen should try to interpret scripture by themselves. That's crazy.

Now my interpretation of scripture:

Anyhoo, chapter 4 of Genesis is all about the famous story of Cain and Abel and I found enough in it to do one post devoted to the subject. At first glance, there's nothing special to it: an older brother gets jealous of a younger sibling and tries to kill him (my older brother tried to kill me the first time I got straight A's). It has my all time favorite Bible quote, "Am I my brother's keeper?" I use that all the time. Like if SarahK ask where the big mixing bowl is, I'll reply, "Am I the mixing bowl's keeper?" I love that.

But it makes a horrible defense. If you ever saw anyone use that line on a police drama, you'd be like, "That guy it totally guilty! ...And he needs to update his prose." Using that lame a defense against God, Who is smarter than that average Joe, is particularly short-sighted. Maybe Cain couldn't think of any other defense; he certainly couldn't claim an alibi since the only other people in the world are Adam and Eve who know very well not to get on God's bad side. Being a defiant punk still didn't help, though.

Here's what he should have done:

GOD: "Where is your brother Abel."

CAIN: (very nonchalantly) "I bashed in his head. Why? Is that bad or something?"

GOD: "You committed murder!"

CAIN: "Is that what it's called? I didn't know. If You're upset, you should have put out a commandment out or something not to do that."

GOD: "Well... uh... yeah, I guess so. Then, for future reference, don't murder people. Now run along, you little scamp."

Instead, Cain pisses off God and gets banished. Then Cain worries that others will kill him on sight.

What "others"? I thought it was just him and Adam and Eve now?

Anyway, God gives Cain a mark so no one will kill him (what's that look like, and can I get it as a cool tat?), and Cain heads into the land of Nod and finds a wife.

Hello? Where are these other people coming from? I thought it was just Adam and Eve, or did God suddenly populate the world (meaning not everyone is traced back to Adam and Eve)? That sounds like that needs an explanation, but, the author, Moses, seems to have neglected it. I know it's a little late for criticism, but it would nice if Moses’ best friend (what was his name? Ed, I think) had pointed out this seeming plot hole.

ED: "Uh, Mo, this just doesn't make any sense."

MOSES: "It's God's word!"

ED: "Well, yeah, but maybe you should ask God for a few more words for the point of clarification."

Back to the story, the next part is a bunch of begatting going on, if you know what I mean (wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more, say no more). Finally, Adam and Eve have another child, Seth, and you can bet Eve is secretly thinking, "I really wanted a girl - a non-murderous one."

Anyway, I guess the point of this chapter is, if God accuses you of murder, you better have a really well thought out defense. If not, you get a cool tat, though.

Rating: 2.6/5 (27 votes cast)

Comments (60) | Frank Reads the Bible
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 09:25 AM | Email This

Eason Jordan of CNN has charged that are troops are targeting journalists. Is this true?

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Rating: 1.8/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (12) | Fun Trivia
Responsible Education Reform Means Having All Liberal College Professors Executed by the State
An Editorial by Frank J.
Posted by Frank J. at 08:50 AM | Email This

 Higher education is important to this country. Without good colleges, we would...

 Ah, screw the lede. Let's get to the main point: liberal college professors should be rounded up and executed by the state. If you don't know why, then you haven't been to college or paid much attention to the news.

" These people are spreading lies to our children at their most vulnerable age - their early twenties .”

 I know; a lot of you are probably squeamish at the phrase "rounded up and executed by the state," but let's look at this logically. Liberal college professors are annoying. When I was in college, I just wanted to learn about digital circuits, but they made me take classes about literature and other crap where the professor would spout about how horrible the white man is and how bad America is. I'd then start to charge him to strangle him, but then I realized that might cost me a letter grade.

 See? Students can't handle this themselves. These people are spreading lies to our children at their most vulnerable age - their early twenties - about how America is evil. This gives comfort to terrorists... or it would if anyone took them seriously. In the least, it's irritating.

 "But why execution?" you might ask. Because just shutting them up would be abridging their freedom of speech which is unconstitutional. Execution, on the other hand, is perfectly constitutional. And before you say we're executing them for their speech, I remind you that we'll be executing them for their speech and for being college professors. They sought out these positions as evil propagandists, and now it's time for the chickens to come home to roost. And you know what that means...

 Eggs!

 ...or something. Anyway, it'll be funny, because, when we round then up, they'll be like, "See! You're just as evil and fascist as our fevered minds imagined!"

 And we can answer, "Actually, we weren't. But then we got the idea from you!"

 There will probably be some protest from other countries such as France saying, "First they round up and kill their intellectuals! Who will the vile Americans kill next?"

 We should have our ambassador answer, "Maybe the Europeans." That'll shut 'em up.

 Now you might be asking who will teach in place of the now condemned professors. Well, most of those weren't doing much teaching anyway... at least in any subject that is useful. If we need to replace them, though, I'd say use good 'ole American grizzled Marine drill instructors.

 "By the end of this class, you will either love America or fear it as an angry god!"

 So let's get to this. It's for The Children™.

Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as "Proper Handgun Usage While Parasailing" and "Frank's Bible Study Guide - Now Condemned by Most Religious Authorities!".

Rating: 2.2/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (28) | Editorials
February 07, 2005
Frank Reads the Bible: Genesis 1-3
Posted by Frank J. at 12:56 PM | Email This

So I gots me a nice new Bible (New King James Version). Originally, I was like, "What do I need a Bible for? I'm Catholic!" When people say, "What Jesus said was..." I interrupt and say, "But more importantly, what the pope said was..."

Still, I checked the list of Vatican approved books and the Bible was on it. So, I thought I'd give it a look-see and find out what all the hub-bub is all about.

I decided to begin with the section Genesis (GEN-EE-SUS) for some reason. Taking it slow, I read just the first three chapters. This was written by Moses, BTW, which is good to know so if I don't like the prose I have someone to blame.

Anyway, I have a number of observations so far. First off, the start gives no information on what existed before the big bang and how many spatial dimensions there were.

Also, I noticed that what God did each day in creating the world ended with Him observing, "It was good." It wasn't great... but it wasn't poor either. It was just "good." That makes me wonder if God really spent all of each day working on the world or would He just fiddle around for part of the day and say, "Well, that's good enough. I'm going for a smoke."

The really disturbing part, though, is the whole Adam and Eve and the forbidden fruit thing. At first glance, this is the clearest case of entrapment in all of history; I mean, God puts this tree with fruit for seemingly no other purpose than to punish Adam and Eve when they eat it. But then you get to thinking why in the world is God trying to pin some trumped up charges on Adam and Eve when he just created them?

Yeah, I think you see where this is going. The whole thing was just a setup to catch a bigger fish - namely, the devil. God creates this perfect place, an Eden if you will, with the Adam and Eve and the forbidden fruit as obvious targets for the devil to spoil it all. Then God says, "It's the seventh day, so I'm going to sleep. Yep, won't be paying attention at all (wink) (wink)." Then the devil, in the guise of a serpent, completely falls for it. Then God is like, "Gotcha! Knew you were against me from the start! Let's see you weasel your way out of this one!"

After His triumph, God realizes he still has Adam and Eve to deal with, so He sets them on their way out of Eden (which takes just too much upkeep). That dealt with, He drinks a beer.

And it was good.

So - and I'm not saying this is necessarily true - it looks like humanity is just a byproduct of an elaborate sting operation on the devil. Pretty heavy, huh?

This is why you take the Bible in small chunks.

Rating: 2.2/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (114) | Frank Reads the Bible
Yay! Commercials!
Posted by Frank J. at 10:31 AM | Email This

First, I just have to say that watching the Superbowl with an HD Tivo is awesome. If I missed something, I just rewound. Needed to go to the bathroom - I just paused it. And, when I was no longer following it live, I could just fastforward the blah blah between plays.

Anyhoo, SarahK has a rundown of the commercials; what were your favorites this year?

Oh, and for those interested, SarahK has an account of meeting my parents this weekend. I had my dad tell her the story of the time he strangled a guy while in prison.

As long as I'm throwing out links, Iowahawk has a transcript of an awesome series from the 70's your probably don't remember: Chutch.

Rating: 3.2/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 10:01 AM | Email This

Who was I rooting for in the Superbowl?

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Rating: 2.7/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (16) | Fun Trivia
In My World: Term Two in Full Gear
Posted by Frank J. at 09:19 AM | Email This

"Frankly, Mr. President, I don't think there could be a bigger waste of time than analyzing the Democrats' response to your State of the Union Address," Cheney stated.

"But I know they’re up to something!" Bush declared, "There must be some dark purpose behind this seemingly inept and incompetent speech." Bush watched the screen. "Reid is gay, right?"

"I'm going to go do some real work," Cheney said as he left the office, "You consider accepting that the Democrats really are just incompetent idiots."

Bush turned off the T.V. as Alberto Gonzales entered the office. "Good job not getting filibustered, amigo," Bush told him, "And now that you're Attorney General, I want to give you this sombrero of authority."

"I'm not wearing some stupid sombrero!" Alberto yelled.

"But it goes with your poncho!" Bush protested.

Alberto snatched the sombrero and put it on. "Fine."

A little Scotty dog pup ran into the room and yelled. "Yip! Yip!"

"What the hell is this poor excuse for a Chihuahua?" Alberto demanded.

"That's my new Scotty pup, Miss Beazley."

With a sharp kick, Alberto sent the dog flying out the door of the Oval Office. "Sorry," he said, "but when I see a puppy, I just have to kick it."

"And those were exactly the sort of qualities I was looking for in an Attorney General," Bush smiled, "Now get to work."

As Alberto left the office, White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan entered. "I need to talk to you about how to field questions about your Social Security plan," he said.

"Simple," Bush stated as he walked over to Scott and handed him an object. "Take this brick. If some reporter calls my plan a scheme or seems to demean my ideas, you smash him in the face with the brick. Don't make the mistake I did and throw it, though, because then you lose the brick and can't bash anyone else with it."

"I dunno..."

"Just get to it, tubby!" Bush yelled as he kicked Scott out of his office.

Condoleezza Rice then entered. "Did you want to see me?" she asked impatiently.

"Yes," Bush said sternly, "I heard you met with Saudi ambassador and broke his nose!"

She shrugged. "So?"

"Where's the video?" Bush demanded, "That sounds funny!"

"I don't like having video evidence of my actions," Condi said coldly.

"But it would great for the holiday blooper reel!" Bush pleaded.

"Anything else?" Condi asked, "What are we doing about the findings on the oil for food scandal?"

"I'm having my favorite U.N. peacekeeper look into that," Bush snickered.

Condi rolled her eyes. "You didn't put a blue helmet on that rottweiler Chomps and send him to the U.N. headquarters to maul everyone, did you? Frankly, I'm getting tired of that antic."

"And I never tire of the humor of maulings," Bush answered.

"One of these days, they're going to wise up and realize that a dog with a blue helmet on isn't a real peacekeeper."

"And that will be a sad day."

Condi headed from the office. "I've got more 'diplomacy' to do."

Senator Joe Lieberman came in next. "You said you wanted to see me."

"Yes, I just wanted to thank you for your continued support and playing the party line," Bush said.

Lieberman looked confused. "Excuse me?"

"I just wanted to personally talk with all the Republicans in the Senate and make sure we're united for the same cause against the Democrats who will be blocking our agenda."

"But I'm a Democrat."

Bush furrowed his brow. "Are you sure?"

"I am. I even was on the ticket that ran against you in 2000."

"Really?" Bush said incredulously, "But you even voted for my torturing Mexican."

"I thought he just made honest legal opinions."

* * * *

"Attorney General, we have a man in custody we suspect of being Arab and maybe even Muslim. We were wondering if connecting his genitals to a car battery would be considered torture."

"In my opinion..." Alberto said as he thought for a moment, "I don't give a rat's ass."

"Are you sure?"

"Hey! Who's wearing the sombrero?" Alberto shouted angrily, "You don't question me!" Alberto slumped in his chair and put his sombrero over his face. "Now don't bother me for the next couple hours; it's siesta."

* * * *

"Well, if you're convinced you’re a Democrat, I don't feel like arguing with you," Bush said, "I bid you adieu."

As Lieberman left, Laura Bush walked in. "Have you seen Miss Beazley?"

"She went flying in that direction," Bush answered pointing towards the door.

Laura set a folder on the desk. "Anyway, I corrected the spelling and grammar in these war plans for you."

Bush snatched them up. "Those are classified!"

"Then you shouldn't have left them on the coffee table. When I found them, Barney was ripping out the pages."

"Barney has ruined more war plans than any other small size dog," Bush griped.

"So how is your day going?" Laura asked.

"Well, next in my schedule is more samurai sword practice in case of another ninja attack. Then I was going to meet with Rumsfeld, but I think he's busy with the press answering questions about the times he tried to resign."

"Those were the resignation letters written in his blood, right?"

"I'm pretty sure it was someone else's blood. Couldn't accept them, though. If Rumsfeld were let go, he'd go on a rampage. At least while he's in my cabinet, we can keep an eye on him."

* * * *

"So what exactly led you to offer letters of resignation?" a reporter asked.

"I don't want to talk about it," Rumsfeld snapped back, "Do you have some other namby-pamby questions?"

"I won't stop until I get the truth!" the reported declared.

"Rarr!" Rumsfeld yelled as he picked up the reporter and threw him out a window. Rumsfeld then punched the wall behind him, ripped out a pipe, and held it over his head ready to strike as water sprayed everywhere. "Rarr!"

"Run away!" the other reporters yelled as they scrambled over each other to get out of the press room.

Rumsfeld turned to see Chomps angrily lapping up the water that was spraying out of the hole in the wall. Rumsfeld dropped his pipe and patted Chomps on the head. "If I had resigned, I'd be able to spend all my time killing fools like them. Well, I guess I have to leave something for retirement."

Rating: 3.1/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (13) | In My World
February 06, 2005
Someone Alert the ACLU!
Posted by Frank J. at 04:29 PM | Email This

I bought a nice new Bible today that was priced at $49.97, and, when I paid for it at the register, the final cost was $49.97. Ends up Florida has a clause excepting Bibles from sales tax. Think anyone could interpret that as a non-separation of church and state?

Rating: 4.7/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (67)
February 05, 2005
All Technological Advances Were Moving Towards This
Posted by Frank J. at 11:45 AM | Email This

My cable company finally got HD Tivo (DVR, that is) boxes, and I just got one yesterday. It is the coolest thing in the history of the universe. 1080i HD recorded with 5.1 surround sound for whenever I want to watch it. Even Sydney loves the new cable box and has been sleeping on it for an hour now.

I'm going to go smash my VCR with a sledgehammer now.

Rating: 3.9/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (25)
February 04, 2005
IMAO EXCLUSIVE!!! DEMOCRATS VOTED AGAINST GONZALES BECAUSE OF HATRED OF LATINOS!!!
Posted by Frank J. at 02:33 PM | Email This

MUST CREDIT IMAO!!! TELL EVERYONE!!!

From a reputable source, I got these quotes from the voting floor of the Senate while Alberto Gonzales was being voted on:

Hillary Clinton: "I've been against Mexicans ever since my husband banged every single illegal immigrant maid we ever hired!"

Byrd: "Hispanics! I almost hate them as much as ni... What do you mean 'shut up'?"

Obama: "The white man and the black man are equal in the eyes of God... but the Latino is an inferior race!"

Kennedy: "We need more Latinos dying in Iraq, not serving in cabinets!"

Kerry: "I just hate the name 'Gonzales'! His brother speedy stole all the cheese from my factory and hurt my cat Sylvester! And, even though I lost the election, I still served in Vietnam!"

Reid: "While I was in Searchlight, a young boy came up to me with a skateboard under his arm saying, 'When I grow up, I want to hate Mexicans as much as you.' I told him that will take lots of effort such as this vote today."

Boxer: "I have to deal with those damn Latinos in my state all the time; I don't want them in Washington too!"

So, it's clear that the vote against Gonzales was only because Democrats hate all Latinos.

HUGE SUPER BIG NEWS!!! TELL EVERYONE AND CREDIT IMAO!!!

Rating: 3.2/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (16) | IMAO Exclusives
The Meme Live On
Posted by Frank J. at 10:51 AM | Email This

Heh.

Anyone visiting here from Fat Kid and doesn't know where this all started, go here.

And try to stay in the loop in the future.

Rating: 3.1/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (13)
Let's Read FOX News's Webpage Together
Posted by Frank J. at 10:50 AM | Email This

Sorry, didn't think of anything to post today. I guess I could check the news and comment...

Top story of the FOX News webpage: Astronomers Discover 'Hot Spot' on Saturn

Okay, slow news day. Anyway, ends up the south poll of Saturn is hot. So, if you plan on visiting there, pack some short sleeve shirts.

Other headlines at FOX News... Rice Says Iran Attack 'Not on Agenda'

Apparently is got penciled out in favor of a luncheon with Egypt.

Annan Orders Disciplinary Action After Report

Let me guess: we're going to later find photos of him in a hotel room with a prostitute with a whip... all paid for with money meant for starving African children.

Still not inspired to write anything... oh! There is some fun on the sidebar.

Marine General: 'It's Fun to Shoot Some People'

Well, duh.

Rumsfeld: I Offered to Resign Twice

Holy. Wait a sec as I read this one.

...

Man, I don't know what to say about that. Maybe I'll save it for an In My World™.

Gonzales Confirmed as Attorney General

Whoa. Complete missed that. 60-36 was the vote, which means the torturing Mexican was still more popular than Ashcroft. And the Dems didn't have the balls to filibuster. Ha!

I know they're saving it for something. Those crafty Dems...

Actually, they haven't been crafty at all lately... or they're just trying to get me to put my guard down. Well, it won't work. I'll...

Heh heh. My kitty is playing with the fake plants. Heh. Stupid kitty.

Aww. Now she's sleeping. Are you a sleepy little cat? Are you?

Oh yeah. You guys are still here. Sorry; it's a day off from work and I'm just not inspired to write anything today. I'll be funny later.

May have a paradigm shift coming up, though...

UPDATE: Just check the roll call on the Gonzales vote. Liberman was one of the few Democrats voting for him. Any chance of him jumping ship? I still hold up the offer of trading Specter for him. Hell, I'll throw in Hagel at no extra charge.

Anyway, we need to come up with phoney quotes for each Democrat senator saying the reason that they voted against Gonzales is because he's Hispanic. It's out duty as Republicans!

And if you're not a Republican, it's just fun!

Rating: 2.8/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (26)
The Great Move of 2005 - Part III
Posted by Frank J. at 10:26 AM | Email This

SarahK has more of our adventure from Texas to Florida is a cumbersome U-Haul.

Rating: 2.3/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (6)
February 03, 2005
IMAO EXCLUSIVE!!! NANCY PELOSI DOING AN ARMED PATROL OF THE BAY AREA!!!
Posted by Frank J. at 12:35 PM | Email This

MUST CREDIT IMAO!!!

It has been reported to me by credible sources that, to show her commitment to homeland security, Nancy Pelosi is now patrolling San Francisco with a shotgun shouting, "If you want to terrorize this country, you have to get through me!"

An area man was heard to react, "Can you believe the dress she is wearing? Oh, and those shoes! Hellooooo!"

SUPER BIG NEWS!!! YOU CREDIT IMAO NOW!!!

Rating: 2.6/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (44) | IMAO Exclusives
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 09:39 AM | Email This

Who delivered the very first State of the Union Address?

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Rating: 2.5/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (20) | Fun Trivia
Announcement
Posted by Frank J. at 09:10 AM | Email This

After lengthy debate, it has been decided that there will be no mention of Hitler on this website outside of discussion of WWII and murderous dictators.

So let it be written, so let it be done.

Rating: 3.6/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (41)
Frank Analysis of the State of the Union Address and Response
Posted by Frank J. at 08:55 AM | Email This

So I kinda watched the SOTU last night in that it was on and I was in front of the TV. I'm really not a speech guy. I mean, the debates were interesting because you never could know when Bush might suddenly interject, "You want some wood?" Speeches just don't have those moments.

Still, my ears perked up on the subject of the Social Security. I was like, "That's my @#$% money! Give it to me!" But the Dems actually booed him. The Prez should not have taken that. He should have pulled out a .45, announced, "I like to call this my 'Veto Power'," and then fired at the Democrats, yelling, "I pardon myself!" with each trigger pull. That would have been awesome! If you're going to broadcast the SOTU in HD with 5.1 surround, you at least need some action.

Bush also mentioned his plans for letting illegal immigrants run amok. I'm kinda ambivalent on that issue since I think anyone who doesn't want to be an American is insane, but I bet Michelle Malkin isn't going to like it. So what is this? Is the idea that, if we pander to illegal immigrants, we'll get more Hispanic votes? Or do we Republicans just want cheaper nannies?

Anyhoo, the foreign policy part of the speech was what I cared about. Destroying stuff is what the federal government does best. Looks like Iran is next on the list, and hopefully we can count on a local uprising to take out those wacky mullahs. I say we put them in zoos and throw peanuts at them.

Oh, and when Bush said things about freedom and whatnot that got bi-partisan stand o's, I kept trying to spot Ted Kennedy to see if he stood too. I kinda suspect no phrase of Bush's could get him to move his massive girth, though - maybe other than "Free pork chops!" and "Look out! We're about to hit the railing on the bridge!"

Okay; that was a cheap shot. Kennedy is fat and has a ginormous head, BTW.

SarahK got all angry when Bush still mispronounced "nuclear." Hey, if he ain't saying it right by now, he doesn't have any intentions of ever getting it right. She also got angry at Bush's pledge to give $350 million to the Palestinians. Yeah, I'd probably keep a sharp eye on that money... or at least write on the check, "Don't use for terror."

When the Iraqi woman who lost her father to the Saddam regime and had just voted hugged the mother of a KIA marine, I have to admit I got pretty misty eyed. Still, I have not actually cried since I was four and was shot twice in the arm with a 9mm (come on; I was four!).

Now, I think Bush is a sub par speaker, but Reid in the response was just horrible. After sleeping on it, I realized the speech wasn't that bad, the delivery was just horrible. It just cried, "I'm reading a speech." All the little folksy stuff - the punk skateboarder walking up to him in the restaurant, the "and I represent Las Vegas," and the Groundhog Day reference were completely ungenuine coming from that guy. Like Randy of American Idol would say, Reid needed to take that speech and make it his own, dawg. Instead, he was just reading cue cards. (Kevin Drum thought the Las Vegas line was good; now that's just pure, unbridled partisanship)

Whose idea was it to have Pelosi, with her ungodly smile that shakes one's soul, talk about homeland security? Yeah, a San Francisco liberal is going to make us feel safer. I tell you, if that woman were standing next to my henhouse, I wouldn't turn my back on her.

In summary, the response was horrible - it was less than nothing. It was just weak, and wouldn’t impress the regular Americans. It didn't even give red-meat for the Manson family crazy Democrat base. The Democrats would have been better off ceding their response to a rerun of Wings.

So, what do you think? Were you convinced to become a Democrat now by the response? Do you care if Bush can say "nuclear"? Discuss!

Rating: 4.0/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (48)
February 02, 2005
State of the Jackasses
Posted by Frank J. at 10:18 PM | Email This

Didn't mean to live blog this, but Harry Reid in the State of the Union Address response just called the national debt a "birth tax."

Well someone has been reading Don't Think of an Elephant. I give that phrase a snowball's chance in hell of catching on, but I bet the Democrat faithful are going to annoyingly try their best to make it stick. Oy.

UPDATE: He's still talking! I don't think Bush is a particularly good speaker, but this guy is horrible. That "and that's coming from a Senator who represents Las Vegas" line made me wish my T.V. had enough definition for me slap that man.

Ahh! Now Pelosi is speaking. Is her skull trying to escape her face?

Some people just aren't made for being viewed on HDTV.

Rating: 4.3/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (47)
A Question of Taste
Posted by Frank J. at 09:04 PM | Email This

So, should we keep doing the hitler thing? The idea I took from RightWingDuck that the liberals had been using the phrase so much ("Bush is like Hitler." and "FOX News is like Hitler") that we might as well take it to its full ridiculousness by using hitler as a catchphrase.

Well, discuss amongst yourselves (well, in the comments).

Rating: 3.5/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (43)
IMAO EXCLUSIVE!!! HOWARD DEAN NO LONGER SEEKING DNC CHAIR!!!
Posted by Frank J. at 01:00 PM | Email This

MUST CREDIT IMAO!!!

I have heard from reliable sources that Howard Dean is no longer seeking the DNC chair as he claims his back hurts too much. Instead, Dean plans to spend the next couple years skiing.

Others say that the real reason Dean is backing off is that the DNC would not approve his proposed bike path, causing him to angrily drop out of the Democratic Party.

I tried getting a comment from Dean on this issue, but the only response I got was this.

HUGE NEWS!!! CREDIT IMAO!!!

Seriously, isn't it great to have Howard Dean to kick around again? I had all these plans for "The Misadventures of Howie and Skeeter" back when it looked like he was going to be the Democrat nominee, and now I have reason to use them. Come on, Dean; do some more crazy! We're waiting!

Rating: 2.6/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (10) | IMAO Exclusives
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 09:03 AM | Email This

In the Catholic religion, who is next in the hierarchy right under the pope?

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Rating: 2.6/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (36) | Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 08:59 AM | Pray for the Pope&Body=http://www.imao.us/archives/002646.html">Email This

He'd pray for you.

Rating: 3.6/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (11)
Frank Advice for the State of the Union Address 2005
Posted by Frank J. at 08:54 AM | Email This

Well, checked the T.V. schedule and found out Alias isn't on tonight because of the State of the Union Address. Guess it's time for more advice:

FRANK ADVICE FOR THE STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS

* Don't start out saying something bland like, "The state of the Union is good," say something more colorful like, "That state of the Union is fan-tas-great!"

* Casually mention how you were reelected, such as, "I was like totally reelected 'cause Democrats suck!" This also makes sure people don't think this State of the Union Address is a rerun.

* You should mention the Iraqi elections, but don't gloat about it. Sneak it in there saying something like, "You were probably too distracted by the success of the Iraqi elections to notice how great the economy is doing."

* A lot of the Democrat base is going to oppose you no matter what. Simply scare them into compliance by taking out a lighter, holding it up, and saying, "I control fire! Fear me!"

* Each time there is a standing ovation and the Democrats stay seated, squirt them with a super-soaker. Eventually they'll learn to stand and applaud too.

* If you really want to drive a point home, destroy your podium with a judo chop as you say it.

* Mention how diverse your cabinet, but don't say, "Hell, my staff meetings look just like that subway car John Rocker described." That reference is too old and liable to go over many people’s heads.

* Promise to end hostage taking like the one reported yesterday by proposing a new initiative to crack down on shoplifting.

* The Democrats are going to try to scare seniors to be against your Social Security plan, so preemptively scare them first.

"The Democrats may tell you lies about my plans to save Social Security, but remember that, while they tell them, they have other people behind you STEALING YOUR PILLS!"

* Propose more tax cuts. I like those.

* Bring some Iraqis who voted to the State of the Union Address. When you point them out, make sure they have a mike so everyone can hear them yell, "You Democrats wanted us to die in tyranny. I will have your blood!" Pause for a while as they attack the Democrats before continuing on with the speech.

* Say you’re going to improve education for everyone, leading to "smarter nerds, and stronger bullies."

* Have that guy who brings animals and appears on Letterman a lot come to the podium with some monkeys. He's always entertaining.

* Remember: Indoor fireworks are totally dangerous and totally hitler!

* A great ending would be for a disco ball to descend from the ceiling and then the Republicans dance the night away. If the Democrats protest and say that doesn't show proper reverence, it will just make them look like no fun ninnies whom we should throw bricks at.

Rating: 2.8/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (18)
February 01, 2005
Making Faces at the Monkeys
Posted by Frank J. at 07:56 PM | Email This

I found a new fun hang out! At Political Animal, there are lots of wacked out nuts like at DU in the comments, but you don't get banned for trying to "enlighten" them. Plus, Kevin Drum is much more tolerable than the other leading lefty bloggers. I've been having mucho fun over there.

Rating: 4.7/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (19)
"Veil Malibu Barbie or We'll Pull Off This Infidel's Head"
Posted by Frank J. at 04:18 PM | Email This

In case you missed it, the MSM has made asses of themselves again.

I'm thinking they'll admit to this mistake unlike with Rather, but you never know.

Here's DU mourning the doll action figure and blaming this all on Bush.

::snort::

Rating: 2.7/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (26)
"If You See My Shadow, It Means Six More Weeks... of Pain!"

Time for caption contest!

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Rating: 2.8/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (100)
A Couple Updates
Posted by Frank J. at 01:08 PM | Email This

Thanks for all the advice on how to train my kitten Sydney. I've decided the best way is to always smoke a cigar, and, if she does something bad, I press the lit end against her head. This way, she associates bad things with pain and also learns to fear tobacco so she won't pick up smoking when she is older. SarahK is constantly complaining about me smoking cigars indoors, though, to which I say, "I guess you just want us to have unruly cats." Then I blow smoke in her face.

I'm in the middle of working on my book, but I still need a good resource to make a timeline of what were the headlines up until my first In My World™ (October, 2002). Then I can figure how many new ones to add so the book will reasonably cover all of Bush's first four years. If someone can point me to a resource, like something that will show me the headline for any particular date, that would be totally hitler.

Rating: 3.3/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (21)
How Many Enemies Do I Have?
Posted by Frank J. at 11:12 AM | Email This

Is there really a market for this?

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Rating: 1.9/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 09:51 AM | Email This

Of the six types of quarks, which is the smallest?

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Rating: 2.8/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (20) | Fun Trivia
The Iraqi Elections Prove that Conservatives Are Right About Everything
An Editorial by Frank J.
Posted by Frank J. at 08:52 AM | Email This

 The Iraq elections had high participation. The people are dancing in the streets. Do you know what that means?

 It means I'm right about everything, you stupid pinko!

 Even more importantly, it means you’re wrong and totally suck!

"Nothing can stop our ignorant, warmongering ways from spreading peace throughout the world."

 I know; it's still just hitting you now. "What? They're happy! They're free! They like America! But this would mean Bush was right, and I was ::gasp:: wrong!" Then it makes you think, if you could be wrong on such a big issue, could you be wrong and the right-wingers right on other things such as taxes, Social Security, and abortion? Yes, absolutely!

 Now, some of you will not face reality and continue to argue for your views that have been now scientifically proven to be wrong and destructive by this one victory, and your high pitched whines eventually reaching such a frequency that they can no longer be heard by humans (around 23kHz). Little kids will walk by and ask, "Who are those weird people waving signs of gibberish and moving their mouths without noise?"

 And their parents will answer, "Those are liberals, people proven by events to be wrong about everything. Now ignore them like everyone else."

 Of course, some of you will face the reality that you are now completely wrong about everything as the Iraqis celebrate their democracy we right-wingers gave them. This reality will be too much for you to take. You'll be like those crybabies with PEST, but even worse having reality smack you so hard in the face twice now. You'll yell, "Well, things could still go wrong! Please! Please, Gaia, make things go wrong in Iraq! May those people suffer so I can feel intellectually superior!" But it's too late. You won't be able to stand all the happy faces and have to end your life. Soon we rich Republicans won't be able to sail our yachts down a river without worrying about them being damaged by Democrats plunging from a bridge. Then again, each dead Democrat means lower unemployment - proving us right-wingers even more super-right! And the last thought of you liberals as you "progress" to your end in the cold, black water will be how wrong you are about everything and how right conservatives are proved by those Iraqis holding up marked fingers.

 Yes, nothing can stop our ignorant, warmongering ways from spreading peace throughout the world. Then all will bow before us conservatives, and we'll demand whiskey and cigars in praise for our earthly wisdom. The few remaining liberals will live as hobos, holding up signs saying, "Will pompously oppose common sense solutions for pot."

 Ah, it's nice to be right about everything. I was worried for a little bit, but those elections have now shown that all I've ever said - from burning down the forests to deporting the poor - must be right since I was right about Iraq. Now I know longer need to argue; I can just point to the election and say, "Shut up, goober! Now do as I say before I shoot you with my guns that are now scientifically proven to be good for society to have since I said it so and was right about Iraq."

 It will be hard for you liberals, and I wish I could feel sorry for you, but I've always been against empathy and must be right about that too.

Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as "Volunteer Work Is Totally Hitler!" and "The Frank Guide to Keep Your Cats from Eating Your Eyeballs While You Sleep".

Rating: 2.4/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (24) | Editorials
 

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