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March 31, 2005
"Protestants for the Pope" Pray for Pontiff
Posted by Scott McCollum at 09:35 PM | Email This

As a Protestant, I'm not a believer in the whole "Pope as conduit to God" thing that my Catholic buddies like Frank do. Like the Jews, we believe that the true conduit to The Divine is through the Ark of the Covenant (which is why Lucas and Spielberg are such good friends)

I really like the Pope because he stood up to the Soviets as Pope and in his pre-Pontiff days he fought against the Nazis in WWII.

Sounds like a good guy to me, and I'm praying for the Pope to get well soon. His condidtion has apparently stabilized now but there was a point when he was on a feeding tube...

...considering what happened today in Florida it's good thing the Pope ain't married.

Rating: 2.8/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (20) | Precision Guided Humor Assignments
Announcment Soon
Posted by Frank J. at 09:24 PM | Email This

I just made a big deal for the IMAO website. More details real soon.

Rating: 2.4/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (18)
Swarming Sharks!
Posted by Aquaman at 03:07 PM | Email This

Hello, Aquafans.

I was all down after those Congressional hearings about drug use by superheroes, when I heard about swarms of sharks closing beaches in Florida.

Am I wrong, but doesn't this sound a lot like a job for...

Read More...


Rating: 2.5/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (12) | Aqua-Adventures
RWD's News Round-Up, Thursday
Posted by RightWingDuck at 02:09 PM | Email This

Hello,

I'm RightWingDuck. And I'm here to share the news.

I’ll start today’s Round-Up with some sad news.

Terri Schiavo passed away this morning. There was a lot of controversy over this case. Her parents stated that Terri wanted to live. Her husband, Michael, said that she really wanted to die.

Rest in peace, Terri.

In other news, the Pope is getting nutrition through a feeding tube placed in his nose.

Michael Schiavo today announced that the Pope once told him he wouldn’t want to be kept alive through artificial means.

The ACLU is filing suit at the Vatican to ensure religious extremists do not get involved.

The Minuteman project is almost underway in Arizona.

A group of 1,000 or so volunteers will sit across a stretch of the Arizona Mexico border and watch for illegal alien crossings. They will be there with radios, cell phones, and their vehicles.

Think about it: Over 600 cars, in a line, for over a month.

So it’s just like the LA commute, only faster.

The ACLU is fiercely opposed to all of this activity. They feel it is not fair to turn anyone away, unless they’re wearing a a t-shirt with the Ten Commandments.

The Minutemen insist that they are only there to observe. They will call for Border Patrol to come pick them up. In the meantime, they’ll report and track all those crossing into the US.

“Yep, I see one crossing. Yep, I’m following him.”

Later…(on the phone)

“Okay. He found a job and is staying with friends.”

Later…(on the phone)

“Yep, he found his own place. Hurry.”

Later…(on the phone)

“He’s getting married. She’s illegal too. We’ve got ‘em both. Hurry up and grab ‘em.”

Later…(on the phone)

“I’m still watching. Hurry up, she's going into labor.”

Later…(on the phone)

“I’m passing this one off. I’ve been arrested for stalking. They say I violated their rights. No, I can’t escape to Mexico. I don’t have a visa.”

Read More...


Rating: 2.0/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (18) | News Round-Up
Knowing When to Say Goodbye
An Editorial by Frank J.
Posted by Frank J. at 11:36 AM | Email This

 If you ever want entertainment, find some Democrats trying to figure out what they need to do to regain the public's respect and win elections. It's like a bunch of schizophrenics trying to diagnose themselves:

DEM1: Our problem are the giant beetles running around everywhere screaming nursery rhymes!

DEM2: No, that's just a distraction from the fact that Jesus has appeared to us as a chipmunk and wants us to bring him crackers.

DEM3: We have to stop talking about that because that just gets us in trouble. Let's stick to the core issue of how everyone's face is melting.

"People are about as likely to trust Democrats to handle the evils of the world as I am to trust my kitten to guard my house."

 For example, here's Kevin Drum trying to relate all the hot-button social issues. Though he can't fit guns and school prayer into the meme, he says that sex education, abortion, sex/porn on TV, contraception, gay rights, and welfare (?) all are sex/gender issues and thus Democrats need to focus more on "gender equality" (whatever that buzzword is supposed to mean).

 Now, if he only listed the issues as:

* Guns
* School prayer
* Sex education
* Abortion
* Porn on TV
* Use of contraception
* Gays' rights
* Welfare reforms

He could have fit them all together in that they all have an even number of letters and ranted about how that relates to some Rovian, Xian scheme. Then his post would have been a full-out parody instead of just on the edge of one.

 And Kevin Drum is the sane one of the major liberal bloggers. Atrios and Kos think the main problem with the Democrats is that Howard Dean didn't scream loud enough in Iowa.

 Incidentally, Drum stumbles onto the real problem of the Democrats when he notes here how whomever has the lead on what is polled as the most major issue almost always wins the presidential election. Last year, the salient issue was terrorism which Bush had a 17 percentage point lead on. Drum's remedy is to find the top issue and focus on that. What he skips over is that there is no way the Democrats can win if the main issue is terrorism or any other major national issue. The Democrats are a bunch of namby-pambies; they're good for whining about "fairness," but that just doesn't work in a world with savage killers whom we want great unfairness inflicted upon. People are about as likely to trust Democrats to handle the evils of the world as I am to trust my kitten Sydney to guard my house.

 It's time for Democrats to face up to reality. They can't face up to reality because Occam's Razor cuts too deeply - that being the fact they just plain suck. They had a great run, though - hell, they were the majority party for almost all of the last century - but there time has come and gone. The best thing for them to do is disband. They can form a little clubhouse, remember the good 'ole days, and stop running for office and just making fools of themselves.

 Maybe in fifteen years or so they could do a reunion tour. I bet I'd laugh and applaud to see Ted Kennedy come out on stage and shout, "That tax cut is only for the rich!" after having not heard that phrase for over a decade. We'd all look to each other and remember back in the day when they would say that and meant it seriously.

 My future children would probably look to the Democrats prancing on stage and ask, "Who are those people, daddy?"

 "Those are the Democrats," I'd answer, "They used to be elected to government."

 My kids would laugh, thinking their dad was teasing them again. And I'd leave them to their innocence.

Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as "Remember the Whigs?" and "The Democrat Buzzword to English Handbook".

Rating: 2.2/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (10) | Editorials
"as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to Me"
Posted by Frank J. at 10:35 AM | Email This

The controversy ends for one.

Matthew 25:42

for I was hungry and you gave Me no food; I was thirsty and you gave Me no drink;

Rating: 2.4/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (33)
My Poor Monkey Cat!
Posted by Frank J. at 08:10 AM | Email This

Just dropped off Sydney to be spayed. All the way to the vet she kept making the most pitiful little monkey-squeak as if to say, "Please throw me in a bog instead!"

Well, can't pick her up until tomorrow morning. Now who will claw at my toes while I try to sleep?

Anyhoo, didn't get all the cat-monkey pictures together I wanted, so cat blogging will be delayed for a bit - for those who cared.

UPDATE: I got a call from the surgeon that the procedure is done and Sydney is okay and all you commenters can shut up.

Rating: 2.1/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (18)
March 30, 2005
Links of the Day
Posted by sarahk at 10:14 PM | Email This

John Hawkins has FAQ about Terry Schiavo.

Nick of Libertarian Librarian links to a site that shows what librarians do in their spare time. I'm afraid. :-)

That's all for tonight. Be honorable and all that, ronin.

Rating: 2.1/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Signs That the Terrorists Are Losing
Posted by Harvey at 10:06 PM | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

More than two years have passed since the beginning of the Iraq War, and despite the elections and evidence of democracy's budding greenery around the Middle East, some people still aren't quite sure who's winning.

Some people are dumbasses.

If you know someone tragically afflicted with dumbassery, it may be helpful to refer them to this list (in the extended entry) of:

SIGNS THAT THE TERRORISTS ARE LOSING

Read More...


Rating: 2.4/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (13)
La Shawn Barber on MSNBC
Posted by sarahk at 08:11 PM | Email This

La Shawn Barber did a blogosphere roundup on MSNBC today and was sweet enough to mention our engagement! Trey Jackson has the video.

Rating: 2.5/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (7)
Old Media Take Notice of New Media Marriage
Posted by Frank J. at 01:09 PM | Email This

Well, the new media versions of the old media, that is.

MSNBC.com's Clicked takes notice of my proposal.

So does Howard Kurtz of the Washington Post and CNN's Reliable Sources, except his remarks could almost be construed as negative. Michelle Malkin kept hounding him until he finally mentioned the phony Republican talking points memos; maybe she can stay on him until he gives me and SarahK proper congratulations.

Rating: 1.3/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (17)
In My World: Answers of Fury
Posted by Frank J. at 11:13 AM | Email This

"Why does it look like President Bush's Social Security plans won't be passed?" asked a reporter, "Is it because you're so fat?"

"I'm not fat!" White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan exclaimed, "And the Social Security plans will be passed."

"Is it because you're in denial of being fat then?"

"Argh!" Scott exclaimed and stormed away. "The press are being mean to me!" he yelled as he entered the White House. He then noticed Bush was spraying the interior with something. "What are you doing?"

"I'm spraying the White House with monkey poison," he explained, "I'm pretty sure a monkey bit me while I was sleeping, and I don't want any monkeys in my house."

"A monkey did not bite you!" Laura Bush exclaimed, "You just imagined it!"

Bush kept spraying. "I can't take that chance!"

"I need some advice on how to deal with these mean, stupid reporters."

"I'm busy," Bush answered, "Ask Rummy."

"Rumsfeld, I need some advi..."

An empty whiskey bottle broke against his face.

"Ahh! Sorry!" Scott yelled as he clutched his wound. He then saw Condoleezza Rice walking by. "Could you help me with..."

A knee to the groin dropped Scott. "Busy," Condi said as she kept walking by.

"Hah hah," came a laugh from nearby, "If you only had more respect, you could be a door mat."

Scott looked up to see Zatoichi, blind swordsman, standing above him and poking Scott with his cane. "I thought we fired you," Scott answered.

"I never saw a pink slip," Ichi answered, "Hah hah."

"Can you help me, Ichi-san?" Scott answered as he stood back up.

"You are the one who can help you the most," Ichi answered, "but you are dumb and fat, so I help you anyway. Hah hah."

"What can I do?"

"You must train to gain respect. I will send you on journey - great mystic quest - and you will emerge from it a true Press Secretary."

"Why's everything with you have to involve a mystic quest?" Scott groaned.

* * * *

"You know, Chomps, you're not much of a guide when you keep walking behind me and attacking me randomly," Scott said as he wandered through the desert.

The rottweiler growled at him.

"Not that I'm criticizing you," Scott added as he sped up his pace. He then spotted a great temple ahead of him. "What a sight!" Scott exclaimed, "It must be as old as... AHH! GET OFF MY LEG!!!"

Chomps stopped biting Scott to look up and see the temple. He then ran towards it to attack it.

As Scott got up, he saw an ancient looking man standing at the temple's entrance. "Who are you, fat man?"

"I am Scott McClellan, humble press secretary," Scott answered, bowing ceremoniously, "I come to you for training."

"So I see," answered the elder. He looked to Chomps who was chewing at the brick exterior of the temple. "Your dog seems to hate temples."

"He's not my dog," Scott stated, "and he hates everything. Sometimes he goes to church, looks to the heavens, and snaps at God."

"Such is his way then," the elder answered, "Let us go inside."

The main room of the temple was filled with mosaics of kung fu masters wiping out enemies armed with pens and notepads. "Throughout history," the elder spoke, "there have been many dumb emperors. Then there were those who would demand answers for the emperors' actions. It was the charge of our order - the Bronze Mongoose - to destroy with great vengeance all who questioned the emperor."

While awe inspiring, the temple interior also looked old and deserted. "What happened?" Scott asked.

"A student of mine, Shen Po, was drawn in by the dark siren of the liberal media. He became a reporter himself, and defeated all in the order of the Bronze Mongoose until only I remained."

Scott kneeled before the elder. "There are many who question my master and his stupidity, and I need the power to strike them down. Will you train me?"

The elder brushed his hand through his beard. "Perhaps even a chubby man like you can be taught to defeat your questioners. It will take many years of training before you are ready."

"I only have four hours before I need to get going to be ready for the next press conference."

"Well, most of the years of training was just filler, anyway. Let's get started."

TO BE CONTINUED...

Rating: 1.8/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (15) | In My World
RWD's News Round-Up, Wedesday
Posted by RightWingDuck at 09:19 AM | Email This

Hello,

I'm RightWngDuck. I'm here to share the news.

The report is out on the UN Oil For Food Scandal, and Koffi Annan is faulted but not blamed for the actions of his son.

Makes perfect sense.

President Bush gets blamed for the actions of our Abu Grahib soldiers, but that doesn't mean that Kofi should be blamed for the actions for his own son!!

They should blame his parents. Oh.

Kofi's son, Kojo, was paid thousands of dollars by Cotecna to help mismanage the Oil for Food program. Of course, trouble quickly followed.

Kofi should give him a job that keeps young Kojo out of trouble. Like, working with the UN troops. He should visit the Congo.

The Congo. Where the UN helps makes every night, ladies night.

"Although Tuesday's report found no wrongdoing by Kofi Annan, it clearly faulted the secretary-general's management of the world body and his oversight of the oil-for-food program."

So, he's not officially blamed. But that's just a Cotecna-cality.

BTW, I do believe it's the first UN Report to have 10 pages of Annan family pictures.

Read More...


Rating: 2.4/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (10) | News Round-Up
March 29, 2005
Cat Blogging to Come!
Posted by Frank J. at 02:06 PM | Email This

"Yay!" I can hear you all yelling, "More pictures of cats! That's all I ever wanted! That is all I exist for!"

Anyway, to tide you over, here's a picture of me with my stupid monkey cat.

Rating: 3.7/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (20)
I Have an Actual Reason to Hate President Bush
Posted by Frank J. at 11:03 AM | Email This

There are a lot of people who hate bush for idiotic and imagined reasons. Now, some conservatives don't like him for some fiscal policies, but, of course, the left hate him viscerally for tinfoil hat reasons that Bush and Rove are plotting to destroy the earth and enslave everybody. Those people froth at the mouth at the mention of Bush. They're convinced freedom to dissent is being quashed even though no one is stopping them from babbling like idiots.

Actually, of all these haters I've seen, they all hate for things they think Bush is doing or will do, but none have actually been personally affected in any significant way by Bush's policies to bring any credit to their rancor.

I, on the other hand, am affected quite personally by Bush's policies.

Read More...


Rating: 2.2/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (80)
RWD's News Round-Up, Tuesday
Posted by RightWingDuck at 09:54 AM | Email This

Hello,

I'm RightWingDuck and I'm here to share the news.

I have some sad Easter news, unfortunately.

A boy may face charges for smacking the Easter Bunny in the face.

This is what happens when kids are allowed to smack elves around. It just escalates, people!!

Give the man in the bunny costume some credit, he felt it was not right for the Easter bunny to hit back.. Funny though, it’s the first time kids heard a bunny squeal like a stuck pig.

But watch yourself kid, the Easter Bunny knows people, if you know what I mean.

This will lead to father-son conversations such as:

"Daddy, what's that Elf doing out here at this time of year?"
"Well son, it appears to be a half-nelson."


A Wendy’s restaurant in Northern California, served a customer a special surprise!!

(hat tip to reader Gaskar – who had this to me long before Drudge posted it)

Yep. A customer found a part of a severed finger in her bowl of chili.

Worst part? They advertise it as TWO finger chili!!
She was robbed man. She was robbed.

Sales of chili were down. Way down.

It's sad to see chile in single digits. And vice versa.

Police are looking for the owner of the severed finger - but as of yesterday, they hadn’t fingered anyone.

Read More...


Rating: 2.8/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (15) | News Round-Up
Helpful Wedding Advice
Posted by Harvey at 07:29 AM | Email This

Everyone's trying to tell Frank & Sarah how they should get married. Which is a complete waste of time, because - as the groom - Frank's job is to stand where he's told, and SarahK is all strong-headed, so she's just gonna do whatever she wants, anyway. Sure, she'll make little noises about "Frank, do you like this china pattern?", but if Frank's smart, he'll just nod & say "Yes, Dear" (handy phrase, that - it'll save your marriage) instead of giving into temptation and quipping, "Too much blue. It won't stand out against the sky when I'm really drunk one day and using it for skeet."

So I'm going to give wedding advice (in the extended entry) to everyone else contemplating marriage, instead. And you damn well better follow it, because I'm a married man & I've got street cred, yo.

Read More...


Rating: 2.9/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (22)
March 28, 2005
IMAO Readers Plan The Wedding
Posted by RightWingDuck at 03:38 PM | Email This

Hello Readers,

RightWingDuck here. I'd like to congratulate the lovely young couple on their new marriage - congratulations Britney and Kevin.

Oh, and Frank and Sarah are getting married too.

Sure some people compare marriage to prison time- except that good behavior just keeps you in even longer. Remember, Frank, if it becomes unbearable, just start drinking heavily while quoting Al Franken.

However, the young couple, if you think about it - was brought together by the good graces of all that is good- yep - IMAO readers.

It seems like just yesterday I was struggling to choose - Bikermommy or SarahK. Had Bikermommy won, I guess that would... never mind.

Okay. So, if we - the empowered and often illogical IMAO readers chose the woman who would one day become Sarah J, then isn't it only fair that we be allowed to help plan the wedding?

Read More...


Rating: 2.8/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (19)
Frank Advice From Scott: The Wedding
Posted by Scott McCollum at 01:30 PM | Email This

Now that FrankJ has made his intention to marry SarahK incredibly public, his Ol' Buddy Scott has some Frank Advice on the wedding:

  • Set Your Wedding Date On A Holiday By resisting SarahK's insistence on a springtime wedding ceremony performed during a non-descript date in June, you'll strengthen your marriage by getting married on a recognized holiday such as May 30th, June 6th, or July 4th. Guys will never remember "I got married on April 29th" but can easily remember: "Hey, it's July 3rd—I gotta go buy firecrackers and flowers for our wedding anniversary tomorrow."
  • Insist On A "Kid-Free" Wedding Ceremony All women think that their sister's little boy and their best friend's little girl would make the perfect ringbearer and flower girl for your wedding; and they'd all be wrong. Kids are supposed to be the outcome of a wedding and having small children running around the church, pulling expensive things off of tabletops, and crying for no apparent reason is not helpful on that very stressful day.
  • Use The Generic Wedding Vows You Hear In Movies Nothing screws up a wedding more than having a bride and groom recite personalized wedding vows. She will add something you never agreed to do which starts uncomfortable legal arguments at the altar. You're no better off because you will forget all of your customized vows when it comes your turn and ad-libbing ain't your thing, Frank. Tell the preacher to give you the generic wedding vows heard in every movie since 1929 and you'll be fine.
  • Prepare Yourself For Protestant Wedding Guests Some of your wedding guests might not be Catholic; you can tell because the dirty Protestants won't be the ones kneeling, crossing themselves, standing, ad infinitum during the overly-long ceremony. For this reason, I suggest you not bring firearms to the ceremony but (as the last tip shows) it doesn't mean you have to have a gun-free wedding!
  • Get Creative With The Catering When Sarah chooses the most overblown, seventeen-tiered wedding cake she can find at the baker, you should agree without hesitation. This tactic gives you overall strategic control over the catering (and most importantly) the groom's cake. By giving SarahK her pretty-princess fantasy wedding cake, you can then get her to agree to a Smith & Wesson-shaped chocolate and peanut butter fudge groom's cake to compliment your BBQ brisket and/or Pancho's Mexican buffet spread at the reception.

I'm sure IMAO readers have other Frank Advice for the wedding... drop your suggestion in the Comments for the groom.

Rating: 3.3/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (43)
Know Thy Enemy: Fleas
Posted by Frank J. at 01:15 PM | Email This

My proposal to SarahK was almost ruined when we found that our cats were miserable with fleas that Saturday morning. Sydney, who is usually a mute, made the loudest monkey squeak I ever heard her make when I left her alone for a moment while she dealt with the fleas (it sounded like, "EEEEEeee!!!"). Luckily, we calmed the problem down enough that we were able to have our eventful dinner, and, to help others, I sent my crack research staff to find out as much as they can about fleas.

FUN FACTS ABOUT FLEAS

Read More...


Rating: 2.6/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (18) | Know Thy Enemy
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 11:16 AM | Email This

What was I armed with when I proposed?

Read More...


Rating: 2.1/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (21) | Fun Trivia
SarahK to Become SarahJ
Posted by Frank J. at 09:34 AM | Email This

"Hung up, strung up, married, or drowned - it's all the same."
-Frank J. Sr. (I'm the third)

Having found a girl crazy enough to put up with me, I decided I couldn't wait any longer. Thus I proposed on Saturday evening (and she said yes!). Probably didn't notice, but I had butterflies in my stomach all last week leading up to this.

My fiancee details the proposal and my sneaky deceptions pretty well here. Pictures of the ring here.

I feel like I should thank everyone in the blogosphere who helped me along. I started this blog to get my say out there, and never really thought I'd find a wife. I guess first thanks goes to Glenn Reynolds, the Blogfather, who I first started reading and inspired me to blog. He also was a judge in the t-shirt babe competition which was nice of him since I got everybody to call him the puppy blender.

Next thanks goes to Oceanguy of Somewhere on A1A for being the first to permalink me when I was about to give up blogging.

Then I have to thank Geeks with Guns and John Hawkins of RightWingNews for sending me my first real traffic. John Hawkins later asked for permission to put up my posts in full on his site which helped promote me and also was a judge in the t-shirt babe competition.

After that, thanks goes to Emperor Misha I (who has a t-shirt coming out and was another judge for the t-shirt babe competition) and Rachel Lucas - both of whom sent me lots of traffic that led to more regular readers. Rachel Lucas helped me move to my own URL and designed my original banner (part of which is still used). Since she is so hard to e-mail and thank personally, so everyone click on her link in this post (the others are outdated) so maybe she'll notice the traffic and come here and e-mail me.

Big thanks to Doug of ThoseShirts.com for agreeing to do t-shirts with me and then encouraging my t-shirt babe competition (including adding in a prize). Thanks to all the participants in that competition including the other judges not mentioned thus far: Blackfive, Harvey, Bill Whittle, and No One of Consequence.

I guess I should thank RightWingDuck, a great blog friend, and well as Cadet Happy. Hell, I’ll thank the rest of the IMAO blog family as well, so thank you Scott and Aquaman.

Let's see... am I forgetting anyone. Well, I guess I'll thank Eugene Volokh of the Volokh Conspiracy who I consider a partial blog father as his blog was one of the few I read before blogging myself. Little Green Footballs get thanks, because I got some of my first notice in the comments section. Doubly so for Bill Quick of Daily Pundit with his open comment style.

And I especially want to thank all you readers who have kept coming back and encouraging me to write. I never would have kept writing without all your kind words.

Sorry, wasn't able to come up with an IMW today (something new please happen in the news!). I've thought I burnt myself out permanently a number of times and was always wrong, and I'll be doing this 'till I croak halfway through a post, my head collapsing on the "Publish" button, if I have any say. Anyway, I'm jovial; more funny is to come.

God bless.

UPDATE: Oh yeah, and I should thank Life, Liberty, Etc., long time advertiser who gave me the idea for getting a t-shirt babe when they first advertised.

Rating: 2.8/5 (29 votes cast)

Comments (131)
March 27, 2005
Taiwan Protestors: Where's the Chicks?
Posted by Scott McCollum at 02:21 AM | Email This

Hundreds of thousands of peaceful freedom-loving protestors marched through the streets of Taipei, Taiwan to protest the so-called "anti secession law" in Mainland China. Taiwan, a representative republic with an imperfect but working democracy that protects personal liberties for their citizens, has irked communist China because it considers Taiwan a "breakaway province" that should be under the control of a homogenous group of hypocritical, parasitic, money-grubbing, power-mad elitists who seek to micromanage every aspect of people's lives.

(It should be noted that the aforementioned attributes of the Chinese Communist Party makes them virtually indistinguishable from Democrat members of the U.S. Senate.)

Take a look at the hundreds of thousands of liberty-loving Taiwanese in this photo:

Wow! After looking at this picture of the Taipei freedom march all I can say is: "Hey, where's the chicks?"

You must remember that when the thousands of Lebanese democracy protestors took to the streets of Beirut a couple of weeks ago, they brought their hot democracy chicks out front and center... So where's the hot Taiwanese freedom babes?

Mainland China has given us that girl from Crouching Tiger, but the commies have the advantage of having 1.2 billion people to choose from and the law of averages says you're bound to have some hotties in a pool that big.

I can't believe that out of those few hundred thousand protestors in Taipei there aren't any Taiwanese babes that can show up at these rallies. Maybe all of the capitalist Taiwanese babes all have jobs and couldn't get off work to march in the protest?

Yeah I know it's a holiday but that shouldn't stop the sharp-eyed readers of IMAO from scouring the Web for Taiwan's Freedom Babes.

Rating: 2.2/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (12)
March 26, 2005
Totally True Tidbits About Germany
Posted by Harvey at 07:41 PM | Email This

Apparently the Geman magazine Stern recently published a pictorial essay trying to make America look bad. Davids Medienkritik has the pictures with translated captions.

Those Germans aren't very nice.

Personally, I refuse to stoop to such childish, slanted tactics. I will only publish the truth, and so I present (in the extended entry) these:

TOTALLY TRUE TIDBITS ABOUT GERMANY

Read More...


Rating: 3.1/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (30)
March 25, 2005
Super Substance Abuse
Posted by Aquaman at 01:24 PM | Email This

My only addiction is to swimming.Hello, Aquafans.

You've probably been wondering where I've been. As I mentioned before, I've been subpoenaed to testify before Congress about steroid use among superheroes. Well, it ends up it's more sweeping than that. They're looking into all the addictions of our protectors of justice.

I'm still torn on how much to say. There certainly are some eccentricities to many superheroes that may actually borderline substance abuse.

Read More...


Rating: 2.6/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (11) | Aqua-Adventures
Lost But Not Gone
Posted by Frank J. at 11:15 AM | Email This

If I can be serious for a moment, I'd like to talk about Terri Schiavo and the controversy around the whole incident. There's a lot of anger as the issue seems stark to many, and I think Michael Schiavo has the potential to be the next O.J. Simpson in the way he's shunned by much of society.

As for the starvation issue, Bill Quick recently lost his father and writes about how he died here. That incident certainly is different in how his father chose not to eat himself, but it is some more firsthand information on whether starvation really is a horrible death.

As for myself, I think my feelings on the issue are affected by my grandfather who suffered from Alzheimer’s. He first was diagnosed when I was quite young - maybe five - and didn't pass away until I was 21. For at least the last decade, he couldn't communicate at all and was confined to constant care in a nursing home. This didn't stop my grandmother and my mother from visiting a number of times each week often with us grandchildren coming along. During college, I made it a point each time I came home to visit my grandfather.

He died during finals week, and I wasn't able to make it to the funeral. I didn't see the need, anyway, as it shouldn't have been sad; his mind died many years ago. It should have been a relief. Yet, his actual death ended up hitting me hard, making me face what I really lost. I can only imagine what it was like for those who knew him longer such as his children and his wife.

I'm probably meandering; there's a lot of emotion here and it's hard to come to some exact point. I just know I have sympathy for the parents because as long as their daughter still lives, at least she's still... there. I frame the issue this way: if she is in a PVS, then it matters not to her if she's still living and thus giving comfort to her parents. If she isn't, then it's murder to kill her. Michael Schiavo may have the legal standing to kill Terri, but he doesn't have a moral leg to stand on from what I see. If the parents are willing to take the burden of caring for her, why deny that to them? If he so believes she's in a PVS, then why would it matter to her if she still lives? I don't know his true motives, but it does seem quite callous. Perhaps I'm missing something.

And I'm tired of talk about the politics involved here. Maybe I’m not being cynical enough, but I think people like Jeb Bush see Terri's starvation as a life being unjustly taken, and, when life is at stake, isn't it always laws be damned? Should anyone ever die to preserve the principle of checks and balances? This is no end of federalism or the judiciary, it's just human nature reacting to one extreme situation.

Well, I think that's all I wanted to say. Certainly have your own say in the comments.

Rating: 2.8/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (68)
Help Frank and Make Money
Posted by Harvey at 08:38 AM | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

I got an e-mail from Glenn Reynolds last night. Seems he read Frank's post about letting Africa starve and figured out a way for us all to become stinking rich by supporting Frank's plan. His e-mail explaining it all is in the extended entry [CAUTION! - tasteless insensitivity ahead]:

Read More...


Rating: 3.1/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (10) | Filthy Lies
March 24, 2005
Links of the Day
Posted by sarahk at 10:36 PM | Email This

Ma Deuce Gunner, one of our brave soldiers currently in Iraq, has a moving story about an Iraqi patriot.

Apparently, some people require very basic enumeration of things to not stick into their mouths, so Brian J. has some help for the idiots out there.

Mean Mr. Mustard has good news from Iraq. All I can say is heh. (PG-13)

That's all for tonight. Be honorable, ronin.

Rating: 3.4/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Starving Songs
Posted by spacemonkey at 04:39 PM | Email This

I often hear about songs to listen to while studying or driving. So I came up with some song lists related to starving.

Songs to listen to while starving your wife.


  • I used to love her, but I had to kill her. (she got so inconvenient and after all I want to be the husband to the mother of my kids) - by Gun N Roses
  • Hungry like the wolf. - by Duran Duran
  • Stop (feeding her) in the name of love. - by the Supremes, the three women not the Stupid Court
  • Live and let (slowly) die. - by Wings

Songs to listen to while your adulterous husband is starving you.


  • Eat it. - by Weird Al Yankovich
  • She's got you. (and hey, she's got your kids too) - by some country singer
  • You don't own me. (but you can still kill me) - by...I forget, but they sang it on 'the First Wives's Club'

Of course I'm sure there are more. So why not tell me in the comments?

Rating: 2.4/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (31)
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 01:27 PM | Email This

According to experts, what's the super most funnest way to die?

Read More...


Rating: 2.0/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (18) | Fun Trivia
Forging Ahead
Posted by Frank J. at 11:47 AM | Email This

Another obviously forged memo? (full details of the memo here) Has the media learned nothing? This time it's about some supposed repulbican [sic] talking points on the Terri Shivo [sic] case, and Patrick Hynes wants a name for this scandal. I suggest "Super Fakey Talking Point Scandal Number One!"

Anyway, the American media is important to a working democracy, so I've decided to help out by explaining to the MSM how to make more competent forgeries. I've been forging things since an early age including pirate treasure maps, UFO photos, Syrian passports, and Bolvian currency. I even forged my own Rathergate memo… much more competently than CBS. Thus, I've learned a thing or two allowing me to write this guide.

THE DOs AND DON'Ts OF FORGING MEMOS

Read More...


Rating: 3.2/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (14)
RWD's News Round-Up, Thursday
Posted by RightWingDuck at 09:45 AM | Email This

Hello, I'm RightWingDuck,

I'm here to share the news.

Good stuff going on.

A Catholic school in South Australia has suspended one of several teachers who, believe it or not, attended an LSD party.

At first, Catholic officials were furious. Then they realized they misread the invitation - they thought it had said, LDS party.

They were returned to duty and were ordered to drink lots of Coca Cola.

LSD is fine. Especially when the flashback comes in the official school colors.

In Boston, a man who escaped prison twenty years ago was captured by police. The man was a poet of the month, and spent a lot of time in front of microphones reciting his poetry.


Police suspected something was wrong when he won a prize for his last poem, "I can't believe it's been twenty years since I escaped prison."

Beatniks thought it was a metaphor for marriage!


Read More...


Rating: 3.3/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (10) | News Round-Up
Fischer-Spassky Highlights
Posted by Harvey at 08:22 AM | Email This

Pretentious chess nerd Bobby Fischer was freed Wednesday from the Japanese detention center where he's been held for the last 9 months for having an invalid US passport.

Fischer originally gained fame in 1972 by defeating Russian chess champion Boris Spassky in a stunning upset, giving America a symbolic Cold War victory and high school chess club geeks a brief respite from their daily beatings.

20 years and 15,000 Thunderbird & Sterno martinis later, a very broke Fischer challenged Spassky to a rematch in Sarajevo, Yugoslavia in violation of international sanctions. Being down to his last bottle of cheap vodka, Spassky accepted, and the rest is history.

By which I mean it was quickly forgotten by all except the geeks who longed for those halcyon days of not being punched in the stomach every time they quoted Monty Python.

How I miss those days...

But to keep myself from pining away like a Norwegian Blue parrot, I thought I'd share (in the extended entry) some of my fondest memories that 1992 match:

Read More...


Rating: 2.7/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (8)
March 23, 2005
The Humane Thing to Do Is Let Africa Starve
An Editorial by Frank J.
Posted by Frank J. at 11:36 AM | Email This

 Africa has been a troubled region for some time. Unstable politics, genocide, aids outbreaks, mass starvation - we do what we can to help, we send money to Sally Struthers, but do we really think Africa is going to get better and be a fully functional continent again? Sure, we can keep things patched together, but each day Africa exists is just another day of suffering. It's time we face up to reality and give Africa the peace it needs in a natural end.

 It's time we starve everyone in Africa to death.

"Yes, before someone brings it up, America does have a 10 trillion dollar life insurance policy on Africa."

 The U.N. will certainly be on board with this as dealing with Africa has been too much for them as well. We'll have to watch all entry points where people may misguidedly try to bring food to the Africans; as leaders of the world, this is our choice to make and others shouldn't subvert it. Plus, this is what Africa wants as I think I remember some ancient tribal leaders saying they wanted their people starved to death if the continent ended up like it is today.

 And yes, before someone brings it up, America does have a 10 trillion dollar life insurance policy on Africa that can be cashed if everyone there dies, but this isn't about America - this is about Africa and what's best for it. And you'd have to be a pretty heartless person to not see how death by starvation is what the people of Africa would really want. Yes, I can't know that I can’t know for sure since they speak languages I don't understand, but can't you see they're tired of barely making it by on foreign aid and showing their children in television ads? They want a natural end.

 It's a hard choice to make, but it is ours. Some may complain about us choosing wrong, but the important thing is we know we're right while we let millions die.

Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as "I Was Following My Hamster's Wishes When I Put Him in the Microwave" and "Violent Offenders Deserve a Natural Death".

Rating: 2.8/5 (38 votes cast)

Comments (62) | Editorials
RWD's News Round-Up, Wednesday
Posted by RightWingDuck at 09:46 AM | Email This

Hello,

I'm RightWingDuck and I'm here to share the news.

Man, there is just so much happening out there.


Sad news. A young man in Minnesota killed his family, then drove to his school and started shooting people at random.

I get upset over this for two reasons (besides the victims). One – it's always some kid who was a loner and had troubles. And two, the gun lobby works itself into a frenzy.

Why does this always seem to happen in some tiny town – why not here in Los Angeles?
Here in LA, at least the kids are packin'. That whack job would have gotten some serious return fire.

"I am the angel of Death. I am here to kill all of yo..(bam, bam bam) aaaieee. Stop, no, stop.Aah. I was just kid..."

Maybe if we get rid of guns, students can find a more humane way to knock each other off – like starvation!!

Terri Schiavo is running out of time. I'll be writing more about this later on so I'll just say this.. wouldn't it be funny if somebody tried to kill Michael Schiavo – but they missed his vital organs, but he was mostly brain dead – and his family said, "Well, we know he wouldn't want to live this way." So they pulled the plug.

Sometimes, I just hate that life isn't like a Hollywood movie.

In real life, Terri dies, Michael sues everyone, and the Left blames President Bush.

You need cheering up? Just open a paper and read what's happening at Harvard. It's all good.

Read More...


Rating: 2.9/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (13) | News Round-Up
What's Irking North Korea?
Posted by Harvey at 08:39 AM | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

What the heck is North Korea's problem? They don't have nukes, then they DO have nukes. They want to talk, then they DON'T want to talk. They're all whiny & high maintenance. It's like dating a supermodel, except without the good looks and fake boobs.

Why are they so irritable? Nobody knows. But I'll make some stuff up & put it in the extended entry:

Read More...


Rating: 3.3/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (17) | Precision Guided Humor Assignments
March 22, 2005
Links of the Day
Posted by sarahk at 11:27 PM | Email This

Carnival of the Recipes #31 is up over at Flying Spacemonkey Chronicles, but i'm not sure if that blogger is any good. ;-)

and Alex in Wonderland has been playing in the Uncyclopedia. and there's French-bashing!

nighty night, ronin!

Rating: 3.5/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (4)
Hollywood Used To Choose Life...
Posted by Scott McCollum at 02:34 PM | Email This

...about 50 years ago.

It was 50 years ago that Hollywood produced optimistic, thoughtful, and dare I say pro-life shows. In the past week of non-stop Terri Schiavo news I have been reminded of one of my favorites from the Golden Age of Television: "Breakdown" starring Joseph Cotten.

Alfred Hitchcock produced and directed the story of a car-accident victim whose body is paralyzed but is completely cognizant of his post-crash situation: the road workers, the police, and the doctors at the scene and in the morgue say he's dead. The paralyzed man desperately tries to communicate the fact that he's still alive but in a diminished capacity to all involved, but nothing changes their minds...

...until the paralyzed man sheds a tear in his sadness of being written off by everyone around him. A low-level worker at the morgue notices and the paralyzed man's life is miraculously saved at the last minute. That was compassionate and caring Hollywood in 1955.

In 2005, compassionate and caring Hollywood would end the episode with the mortician saying: "You didn't see a tear and you have no legal standing as a low-level employee of this organization to prescribe a course of treatment outside this dead man's insurance. Now, let's allow him to die with dignity. Besides, Halliburton is paying us top dollar for his internal organs!"

Oh, and the TV drama would end with 3 minutes of Union-mandated credits...

UPDATE: In 1985, Hollywood remade the "Breakdown" TV drama for a (pardon the pun) revival of 1955's Alfred Hitchcock Presents. In a nod to what my pals at The Michael Medved Show are calling Hollywood's increasing promotion of the culture of death, the 1985 remake has the paralyzed accident victim eviscerated alive by the mortician whose business just happens to have been ruined by the actions of the paralyzed man.

Rating: 3.8/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (17)
Top Ten Uses for a Cat
Posted by Frank J. at 02:11 PM | Email This

Ain't a cat person, but I gots me a kitten. Thus, I've tried to find some use for it.

TOP TEN USES FOR A CAT

10. Paper shredder.

9. Foot warmer.

8. Football.

7. Hand towel.

6. Boxing partner.

5. General destruction of property.

4. Rubber band slingshot target.

3. Test subject for experimental rocket skateboard (need duct tape).

2. Topic for top ten lists.

And the number one use for a cat...

Read More...


Rating: 3.6/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (26)
Blue-Eyed Fidelity
Posted by Frank J. at 12:38 PM | Email This

I really need to update my blogroll, including updating the links to Rachel Lucas's new blog. Anyway, I haven't linked to her in a long while, so why don't you read her rant about Terri Schiavo (WARNING: Contains vulgarity and strident opinions).

Rating: 3.2/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (15)
A Post About Nothing
Posted by Frank J. at 10:00 AM | Email This

Man, I'm getting burned out. It's like the same political news stories over and over. I'm tired about talking about Social Security.

You know they got my name wrong? My last name is commonly misspelled, but they actually got it completely wrong so as it would be pronounced differently. How am I supposed to trust them with my retirement when they can't even get my name right? Still, I wonder if the fact that I file taxes under a false name (given to me by the government) might protect me from some future liability.

What was I saying? Oh yeah, I'm burnt out on the politics until something new happens, so I might as well talk about myself. Right now, I'm wearing a leather jacket. It's like 80 degrees outside, but it's always cold where I work. At least I have some protection now in case a knife fight breaks out. Leather armor never seems to help a cow, though.

I got some bongos. They came with the game Donkey Konga, where you play them in beat with the game. Haven't tried it yet as I'm waiting to get a second pair of bongos so I can play the game with SarahK. The couple that plays videogames together, stays together.

Also, my kitten is now skittish... probably from me punching her in the face trying to teach her to box. Hey, it's a harsh world out there, kitty; get used to it. Then again, you're a house cat. Anyhoo, she better toughen up for whenever I finally get a dog if she doesn't want to be a squeaky toy.

Sometimes my kitten freaks me out when she stares at me. Dogs don't stare at you; they consider it disrespectful. Sydney will stare at me, though, with that expressionless face of hers. Have no ideas what she's planning. It's a great poker face. Maybe I should teach her poker instead of boxing...

I guess that's all I have to say right now. So, are there any good news stories that haven't been done to death yet?

Rating: 3.6/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (27)
Frequently Asked Questions About Harvey
Posted by Harvey at 01:33 AM | Email This

After a month of tossing up posts, maybe it's time I introduced myself (in the extended entry):

Read More...


Rating: 2.9/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (16)
March 21, 2005
Top Ten List Of Really Hard To Write Top 10 Lists
Posted by spacemonkey at 03:31 PM | Email This

Sometimes top ten lists practically write themselves. Others are a lot harder. Some, well, forget it. With that in mind, I give you the..

Top Ten List Of Really Hard To Write Top 10 Lists.

10. Top 10 List Of Food Items Michael Moore Has Not Eaten At Least 12 Of At A Single Sitting...Today

9. Top 10 List Of Elements Of Any Christian Holiday That The ACLU Has Not Sued Someone About

8. Top 10 List Of Elements Of Any Non-Christian Holiday That The ACLU Has Sued ANYONE About

7. Top 10 Longest Times Ted Kennedy Has Been Sober (There's only one)

6. The Top 10 Comic Strips Drawn by Ted Rall That Were Either Artistic OR Funny (Not Just To His Mom)

5. Top 10 List Of People Who've Ever Paid Back Every Cent They Borrowed From You

4. Top 10 List Of Bathroom Floors You'd Ever Apply The "Three Second Rule" To

3. Top 10 List Of Sharp, Knife-Like Items That Are Fun To Gouge Really, Really Deeply Into Your Eye (Either One)

2. Top 10 List Of Admirable Things About Oliver Willis, KOS , and Atrios (combined)

and the Number One Really Hard To Write Top 10 List...

Read More...


Rating: 3.6/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (15)
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 03:08 PM | Email This

What is the largest dinosaur?

Read More...


Rating: 2.6/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (9) | Fun Trivia
Most Addictive Game in the Universe
Posted by Frank J. at 01:06 PM | Email This

Can't stop playing this game!

The rules are kinda hard to understand since they are in broken English, but basically you click on a little green guy to make his backpack fly up into the air. If it lands on the head of another green guy, he falls down and then runs in the opposite direction he was going. To get mucho points, you want to get groups of green guys running back and forth, timing it just right so you keep bopping them on the heads.

I once got over 40,000 points and was in the top ten, but competition is more fierce now. If you play, add "Ronin" to the end of your name so you can be spotted in the recent scores (it's ruled by NRO fans right now).

Must keep playing until I get the perfect storm and make the top ten!

UPDATE: Top scores have been reset!

Rating: 3.5/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (19)
In My World: Judge Not Lest Ye Be Judged
Posted by Frank J. at 11:38 AM | Email This

"There should be homosexual marriages!" the judge declared, "Actually, only homosexuals should get married! That's the mainstream."

"Then why do polls show most people opposing it?" asked a reporter.

"Because of the majority of the people are out of the mainstream!" the judge yelled. "Also, there should be no mention of God by the government or the public! There should only be mention of me, because I'm more powerful than God! Muh ha ha ha!"

Bush turned off the T.V. "The public is not going to want these radical, liberal judges' decrees enforced," President Bush said, "which means I'm going to have to send out federal troops to kill the judges." He turned to Vice President Cheney. "How do you think that will affect my approval rating?"

"By three points," Cheney answered, "plus or minus."

"The important thing is to get our judges approved to balance out the crazies," Bush said.

"Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid are coming to talk just about that," Cheney told him.

Bush looked to White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan. "I want you to stand near the doorway and hit Reid over head with a stick as hard as you can when he enters."

"I dunno about that..."

"Just do it!" Bush commanded Scott.

Scott hid by the doorway and held up a stick ready to strike. When Harry Reid entered, Scott bashed him on the head.

"I knew he wasn't a true samurai!" Bush exclaimed.

"I never claimed to be!" Reid yelled, clutching his head.

"Worth checking, though."

Nancy Pelosi came right up to Bush's face and smiled. "I'm afraid we're not allowing your judges an up or down vote. This democracy experiment may have worked in Iraq, but that doesn't mean we're ready to try it Congress."

Bush backed away from her. "Ahh! It looks like she's trying to shoot her skull out of her face at me!"

Senatorette Barbara Boxer then entered Bush office. "We're not letting your judges get a vote because they are too extreme!" she said.

"If they're extreme to you," Bush answered, "That means they're either super-crazy extreme or normal."

Ted Kennedy then emerged at the doorway, not quite able to fit through it. "Grerawerr!" he shouted.

Bush picked up a bat and started hitting Kennedy. "You get out of here!" Kennedy grabbed the bat in his teeth and pulled it away from Bush.

"I told you not to let Ted Kennedy in here!" Laura Bush shouted from outside the room.

"I'm trying to get rid of him, honey!" Bush answered.

Reid had now gotten back to his feet. "We won't let your judges get voted on. Some are even women and minorities... people who should not be let away from the Democratic Party."

"Test if he's a samurai again, Scott," Bush said.

Scott smacked Reid back to the ground. Kennedy had now chewed the bat to splinters and was still trying to claw into the Oval Office. Bush went back to his desk and picked up a shotgun from behind it. He fired it into the air. "Shoo, Democrats! Shoo!"

The Democrats all scattered.

"Can I hit anyone else with a stick?" Scott asked.

Bush put his shotgun back. "No. Go back to doing useless things like talking to the press."

"Aww," Scott whined and then sulked off.

"We need a new strategery," Bush told Cheney.

* * * *

"I will see all babies aborted," the judge told the Senators. "Babies being born is a travesty to mankind. Also, I'll have homosexuals forced to marry at gunpoint."

"This judge is in the mainstream," Senatorette Boxer declared.

"But, according to his records," Senator Byrd said, "I have suspicion that he's a black man. Are you a black man conspiring with the Republicans?"

"That's ridiculous!" the judge answered, sweating out of nervousness. He wiped away the sweat with a handkerchief and accidentally took off some of his white makeup.

"He is a black man!" Byrd shouted, "We can't be tricked into voting for black man!"

"Guess it's time for the nuclear option," Bush told the judge, "Let's head for the bomb shelter."

"I thought the nuclear option involved forcing and up or down vote," the judge stated.

"No one told me that," Bush answered. He then looked to the Senators. "Now all you Democrats wait here... or within a five mile radius."

Rating: 2.6/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (14)
RWD's News Round-Up, Monday
Posted by RightWingDuck at 10:03 AM | Email This

Hello,

I'm RightWingDuck and I'm here to share the news.

Unless, you live in Dallas. Then the news is bad. Have you read this?
Dallas is the top city for crime.
This explains the newest trend in street slang – "gimme your money, partner."

Crime is so bad, the only safe place for visitors in Dallas is on the football field.

Dallas has drive by shooting just like all the other cities. Finding the criminals can be tough - all the cows look so much alike.

Do you know what criminals really want? A North Face jacket!

True. Police are noticing that the expensive jackets are often the target of street crime.

Now this can make for a very interesting mugging.

“That’s right man. This jacket is mine, punk. Ha. Mine, mine, mine!!!(Pause) Say, man, do you have this in an Extra large?”

Read More...


Rating: 3.2/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (6) | News Round-Up
Open Thread (Just Like on Kos!)
Posted by Frank J. at 09:09 AM | Email This

I guess I'll start the conversation today. Like most people, I was wondering what is the use of a kitten. So, I tried to teach her to box; a boxing kitten seemed like it would be kinda cool. But, no matter how many times I said, "Block your head," and jabbed her in her kitty face, she just kept staring at my fist and not putting up her defenses. I think defending the head is one of the biggest fundamentals in boxing, and, if my kitten can't even do that, I don't know if I'll ever make her a competent boxer. Well, guess I'll try some more tonight.

BTW, an IMW is ready to post whenever I feel like it.

Rating: 3.0/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (16)
Brief Gloating
Posted by Harvey at 08:31 AM | Email This

Sorry, I just have to point out this quote from the UK Guardian:

George Lucas is not worried whether fans will like Revenge of the Sith, the final chapter in his latest trilogy of Star Wars films..."That's not my job, to make people like my movies."

Told ya.

Rating: 3.1/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Totally True Tidbits About ANWR
Posted by Harvey at 08:13 AM | Email This

The US Senate recently voted to open the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge to oil exploration. Hearing this made made me so happy that I celebrated by beating up a hippy. While washing the blood off my hands, it occurred to me that I don't actually know anything about ANWR. After extensive Googling however, I still didn't know anything, so (in the extended entry) I made up these

TOTALLY TRUE TIDBITS ABOUT ANWR

Read More...


Rating: 2.5/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (18) | Totally True Tidbits
March 19, 2005
Condoleezza Rice Apologizes for "Outpost of Tyranny" Remark
Posted by Harvey at 12:31 PM | Email This

Responding to North Korea's objections over being labelled an "outpost of tyranny", Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice issued the following statement (see extended entry):

Read More...


Rating: 3.0/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (24)
March 18, 2005
Links of the Day
Posted by sarahk at 07:43 PM | Email This

I've been a bad linker all week because I've been super-busy. To make up for that, I'm going to use proper capitalization for this post.

Brian J has very important information for you involving your toothbrush! Don't miss it, this could affect you!

Um, Frank J., we need to talk.

Beth's Carnival of the Recipes has been forgotten until tomorrow. Bad spacemonkey! You are now responsible for linking to it tomorrow.

For the gunlovers out there, Carnival of the Cordite #5 is up over at Technogypsy.

That's all for today, ronin. Be honorable.

Rating: 1.6/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Forget the jokes - for now.
Posted by RightWingDuck at 03:55 PM | Email This

Hello Readers,

RightWindDuck here with a moment of seriousness.

Drudge is reporting that Terri Schiavo's feeding tube has been removed.

I've followed this story only in the recent 15 months.

Here's my question to you guys:

If her feeding tube has been removed, thus eliminating all 'extraordinary life saving measures' - are they NOT required to still spoon feed her?

Can her parents then sue for discrimination or neglect if the doctors are not at least TRYING to spoon feed Terri?

Maybe this is the part where prayer comes in.

Here's a National Review article that really hits hard on some important questions. (Hat tip: Hugh Hewitt)

Nice to know congress is investigating the truly important issues of our day - Baseball and Steroids.

Rating: 2.4/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (49)
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 02:41 PM | Email This

What the most controversial change to the orgin of Darth Vader that George Lucas is putting in Star Wars Episode III: The Revenge of the Sith?

Read More...


Rating: 2.8/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (13) | Fun Trivia
Basil's War
Posted by Frank J. at 01:02 PM | Email This

Supposed, some time ago I said I would arbitrate all wars in the blogosphere being Misha's Secretary of War. I don't remember - I say lots of things - but basil has taken me up on it. And, since he's a patron advertiser, I'm taking him seriously. Here's his declaration:

Read More...


Rating: 2.4/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (8)
RWD's News Round-Up, Friday
Posted by RightWingDuck at 10:20 AM | Email This

Hello,

I'm RightWingDuck and I'm here to share the news.

Funding is getting tight for government workers in Buffalo. Very little cleaning is done in their bathrooms, the toilets are clogged, and they sometimes have to bring their own soap and toilet paper.

Solutions are right around the corner. In one test project all reports will be printed on special paper.

"Boss, how did you like my report?"
"Hmmm. Quilted. 2-play. Comfy all round. Good work, Johnson. I’ll need another report after lunch."
"I’m on it boss."

Other solutions include an innovative new work idea- Bring your Plumber to Work Day.

Read More...


Rating: 2.9/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (12)
March 17, 2005
Alias-Meets-Scooby Doo-Meets-The Matrix
Posted by spacemonkey at 05:37 PM | Email This

When you see a headline like "Spies infiltrate zombie computer networks", and its not on a tabloid at the grocery store, you just need to tell people about it.

So I did.

Rating: 3.4/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Thursday Is "Bring Your Own TP To Work Day"
Posted by Scott McCollum at 11:25 AM | Email This

The wackos at the Associated Press want you to believe that America is so pathetic and poorly managed by the Bush Administration that government employees must purchase toilet paper for their workplace out of their own pocket.

An Erie County worker in Buffalo that told the AP reporter that his county's 100 million dollar budget shortfall forces him to buy his own TP and says "it's like living in another country—a bad country." Did the reporter ask for a quote from this guy in the bathroom or on his way in? Either way, it shows a disturbing lack of character from the AP reporter.

It's a given that reporter had plenty of paper that county worker could've used but didn't want to offer any to the guy: "I have to remain objective," so sayeth the AP reporter "and by giving this man, who has obviously been oppressed by the evil Bush Administration's policies, some of my precious eco-friendly environmentally-sound notepaper to wipe his ass would compromise my integrity as a journalist."

What the objective reporters at the AP failed to mention in their story is the fact that Erie County got themselves into this hole by spending more money than they were taking in, raising taxes on their residents, and wasting nearly $550 million in Federal urban aid it has received over a 30 year period.

Dumbassess...

Rating: 2.1/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (19)
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 11:12 AM | Email This

Irish last names have a certain characteristic to them. What's the most Irish name?

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Rating: 1.5/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (12) | Fun Trivia
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 11:11 AM | Email This

What name is even more Irish than that?

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Rating: 2.6/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (6) | Fun Trivia
Know Thy Enemy: The Irish
Posted by Frank J. at 10:09 AM | Email This

Top 'o the morning to ya! Today's Saint Patty's day which means its time for getting drunk, getting in fights, and breaking ceasefire agreements with the British. Now, I'm half Irish myself, and, as such, am quite a jovial, dangerous fellow. Others around you may be Irish, too. So what do you do if you encounter an Irishman? Well, I sent my crack research staff to find out all they can about the Irish.

FUN FACTS ABOUT THE IRISH

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Rating: 2.0/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (30) | Know Thy Enemy
Star Wars Episode III - Dark and Diabolical
Posted by Harvey at 08:38 AM | Email This

For nearly 30 years, the world has waited with baited breath for the final installment of the Star Wars saga, expecting George Lucas to make it the best movie in the history of cinema.

Fools that we are.

Let's be real about this. Lucas is living high, fat, and happy on the DVD residuals and just wants to get this over with. Even if this thing completely tanks at the box office, he's still set for life. Do you HONESTLY think he's going to put any effort into this? This is the guy who gave a Jamaican accent and eye stalks to the Trix Rabbit and made him the main character of Episode I. It's far more likely that he'll just throw together 2 hours of crap so he can get this thing over with. He doesn't care! He's the Great George Lucas! Worship him!

So what can you expect to see now that the gloves are off and he's free to bludgeon us with his apathy? My theories are in the extended entry:

Read More...


Rating: 2.2/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (24)
RWD's News Round-up, Thursday
Posted by RightWingDuck at 08:31 AM | Email This

Hello all,

I’m RightWingDuck and I’m here to share the news!!

Well, everybody’s talking about it. Robert Blake has been found “Not Guilty”.

Blake was surprised but happy. Outside the courthouse, Blake was so overcome by emotion that he almost dropped his gun.

He’s so excited he’s going to throw a party. He’s going to invite family, friends, and people who refused to kill his wife.

In fact, you’re all invited!! Remember, Los Angeles is a great place to visit. Come on out, get a tan, and knock off your wife.

In other big trials, Scott Peterson was sentenced to death.

So, if you’re going to kill your wife – remember these three secrets: Location, location, location.

Scott Peterson’s lawyer is seeking a new trial.
And why wouldn’t he - the first one didn’t end too well, did it?

So now he’s gotten the death penalty. Or as Scott would call it – “Gone Fishin’”

Read More...


Rating: 3.4/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (14) | News Round-Up
March 16, 2005
Frank Reads the Bible: Genesis 18-19
Posted by Frank J. at 12:17 PM | Email This

Sorry for the long delay. In case you’ve forgotten, when we were last reading the Bible, Abraham was putting a knife to his wang.

Well, now Sarah is promised a new son, and we reach the first exchange in the Bible where I actually laughed out loud. See, when Sarah, who is like old, hears this, she laughs and is like, "Yeah right!" And this displeases the Lord.

(Gen 18:13-15)
And the LORD said to Abraham, "Why did Sarah laugh, saying, "Shall I surely bear a child, since I am old?' Is anything too hard for the LORD? At the appointed time I will return to you, according to the time of life, and Sarah shall have a son."
But Sarah denied it, saying, "I did not laugh," for she was afraid.
And He said, "No, but you did laugh!"

I lost it right there. I just can't imagine the Lord Almighty engaging in a game of:

"No I didn't!"

"Yes you did!"

"No I didn't!"

"You did too!"

What's Sarah going to follow her denial up with? "If I did laugh, well, prove it."

Come on; do you think you can pull one over on God? I guess people weren't as familiar with omnipotence back then, though, because the next part of Chapter 18 has Abraham bargaining with God. You see, God was like, "There's something about Sodom and Gomorrah I just don't like. I'm going to destroy them two cities."

Well, Abraham doesn't like that, so he's like, "I don't want to question you Lord - 'cause you know I'd never do that - but if I could get a word in here - once again, no offense - let's say there's like fifty righteous people in these cities. Would You still destroy them?"

Then God takes a swig of whiskey, thinks for a moment, and says, "Yeah, guess I wouldn't destroy them then."

Then Abraham says, "Well, if I may be speak again - and, as I remind, I ain't questioning Ya - let's say there's only forty-five..."

And Abraham keeps at this until God is finally like, "Okay, I won't destroy the cities if there are ten righteous people... but no less!" Chapter 18 ends there, but I bet the part left out is God saying, "Ha! Stupid bastard; I would have gone all the way down to seven."

Chapter 19 starts with Lot in Sodom trying to keep two angels from getting... well... sodomized.

"Bring those purty men you have with you out here so we can make them squeal like a pig!"

Naturally, the angels are grateful and tell Lot to get his ass out of Sodom - but he decided to take his wife and two daughters with him instead of his donkey. The angels were like, "Now you head to the mountains, boy."

But Lot was like, "The mountains are scary! Can't I head to that town there - Zoar?"

And the angels are all, "Zoar? They named a placed Zoar? Fine, whatever."

So they all flee, but Lot's wife looks back at the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah. Thus, God punishes her by turning her into a pillar of salt.

Salt?

Where does God come up with these punishments? If I wanted to make an example of someone, I'd have him burst into flames and then explode his head. But salt? I don't get that. I guess that's why He's God and I'm just Frank J., though.

Anyway, Abraham comes by and overthrows all the cities Lot had dwelled in, including his favorite delis, so Lot and his daughters have to head to the mountains anyway. Then things get weird.

Now, Lot's daughters figure that Lot can’t keep his lineage going since his wife is salt... and you can't get it on with salt. Or, if you could, it would probably be painful, and you'd end up with salt babies. So Lot's daughters get him plenty drunk and get it on with him. Man, he better have been really really drunk and not just faking it.

Anyway, he gets two sons - Moab and Ben-Ammi - and who knows what weird defects they have. Plenty creeped out, I decided to set the Bible down for now.

Later, thumpers.

Rating: 3.1/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (37) | Frank Reads the Bible
Open Thread (Just Like on Kos!)
Posted by Frank J. at 11:11 AM | Email This

Your time to talk about what you want discussed and post links until we deem you worthy of more posts. I might even read what you have to say!

Rating: 0.7/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (37)
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 11:01 AM | Email This

According to Catholic teachings, how many years in purgatory have I earned from my Frank Reads the Bible™ segments thus far?

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Rating: 2.8/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (18) | Fun Trivia
Superhero Scandal!
Posted by Aquaman at 09:43 AM | Email This

My physique is all natural.Hello, Aquafans.

I have a bit of a problem and could use your advice. You see, I've been subpoenaed by Congress to testify about steroid abuse by superheroes. Now, no one suspects me, of course, but they correctly figured I have knowledge on who is using.

It's not like this is a surprise. Did any of you really think the Hulk looks like that naturally? Too many superheroes are just fixated on strength, but steroids don't give you the important things for hero work: character and the ability to breathe underwater and talk to fish.

Still, I don't want to turn on other superheroes - even if they are misguided freaks. Then again, they're doing a lot of damage to themselves. Batman of course uses all the time to make up for the fact he doesn't have any powers at all, and he just keeps getting grumpier and meaner – at least to me. And, while Wolverine can regenerate any wound, he can't seem to regenerate his shrunken genitalia.

And don't even get me started on how @#$%-up Superman is.

So, what do you think I should do? Supposedly, if I don't testify, I could be held in contempt of Congress, but I can't imagine them actually prosecuting me, Aquaman. Imagine the media firestorm over that one. If I'm in prison, who will protect the seas?

Oh yeah; probably the Coast Guard.

Anyway, I would love your opinions, Aquafans. Please put them in the comments, and I'll tell you what I decide later.

Rating: 2.6/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (14) | Aqua-Adventures
Dan Rather's Farewell
Posted by Harvey at 08:25 AM | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

I'm not the sort of person to gloat at the misfortune of others...

*BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!*

Sorry, my b***s*** detector just went off.

Anyway, Dan Rather's out of a job, and I'm sitting here grinning smugly... well... SORTA smugly.

Truth is, I was a little disapointed by how his last show went down. He just sat there, did his newscast, said his goodbyes peacefully, and that was it.

Personally, I was hoping for something a little... less dignified... something that would better befit a man with his weasel quotient.

I've placed my list of possible scenarios in the extended entry:

Read More...


Rating: 1.7/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (11) | Precision Guided Humor Assignments
March 15, 2005
RWD's News Round-up, Tuesday
Posted by RightWingDuck at 03:39 PM | Email This

Hello,

I'm RightWingDuck and I'm here to share the news.

Robert Iger has been chosen to replace Eisner as the Disney CEO. He’ll be stepping into the position in October.

Hmmm. He needs a catchy nickname. What rhymes with Iger?

Iger. Iger.. I know…

How about "Iger the Lion"?

Disney is getting desperate for real leadership.

It’s was so bad; Disney was interviewing people who came in wearing Mickey Costumes.

Executive: So, Mr. Um. Oh, yes. Mickey. Are you ready for this job?
Mickey: Mimes a thumbs up gestures, Jumps up and down like cheerleader..
Executive: The competition is intense. We need to rediscover our Disney roots and make more hits. Can you do that?
Mickey: Gets up and silently waltzes around the room and then sits back down.
Executive: We need to stick it to the competition. Do you think you could stick it to them?
Mickey: Gets up, performs a series of hip thrusts.
Executive: That’s the spirit that we need. How reasonable are your pay requirements?
Mickey: Gets up. Hip thrusts.

Read More...


Rating: 2.3/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (13) | News Round-Up
U.N. Me
Posted by Frank J. at 02:25 PM | Email This

The U.N. needs some work, including an image change. In the spirit of helpfulness, I came up with some brand new slogans for the U.N. (do they even have one now). Here they are:

PROPOSED SLOGANS FOR THE U.N.

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Rating: 2.9/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (26)
Geeky Goodness
Posted by spacemonkey at 10:39 AM | Email This

In case you, like me, didn't TIVO the OC the other night, here's the Star Wars Ep. III Trailer.

Click here to feel the power of the dark side of force.

I loved it when Anakin kicked Obi Wan and said "and THAT's how we do it in the OC."

Update: Somebody with waaaaaaaaaaay too much time on their hands documented the trailer frame-by-frame.

Update: Odiwan (you think he likes Star Wars?) sent me this Ep III Trailer Spoof. Heh.

Rating: 2.9/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (16)
Open Thread (Just Like on Kos!)
Posted by Frank J. at 09:23 AM | Email This

Sound off about the issues you care about... especially those you want covered by IMAO.

Rating: 1.7/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (40)
Frank's Bible Study Notes
Posted by Frank J. at 08:59 AM | Email This

Been busy this week, but I'll have a political post later today. Also, I'll soon have another segment of Frank Reads the Bible™. Until then, I think you should know I've been going to some real Bible study with SarahK. I thought I'd share my notes with you so you'd see how spiritually enlightened I'm getting.

My Bible Study Notes

Rating: 2.4/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (8) | Frank the Artist
Totally True Tidbits About Hybrid Cars
Posted by Harvey at 07:58 AM | Email This

Totally True Tidbits About Hybrid Cars

Honda is piddling themselves with joy over the pending release of their latest hybrid version of the Accord. Unfortunately, the new Accord does NOT run on piddle, so it's not as good of a deal as you might think.

What IS a "hybrid" car, exactly? Well, it's a car that runs partly on gas, partly on electricity, and mostly on the weed-fevered fantasies of filthy hippies who think that spending $5000 to get an extra 2 mpg is actually a bargain because it enhances the self-esteem of spotted owls.

Or something.

Anyway, I assume that everyone else is as ignorant of this whole "hybrid" craze as I am, and I want to keep it that way by presenting (in the extended entry) these:

TOTALLY TRUE TIDBITS ABOUT HYBRIDS

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Rating: 2.5/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (21) | Totally True Tidbits
March 14, 2005
Links of the Day
Posted by sarahk at 10:44 PM | Email This

Tyler D. has a 2nd amendment refresher course...

Spearshaker has a caption contest going on...

here's a nifty little shooting game that will make you want to claw your ears off...

been wondering who Blackfive is? he'll tell ya himself. what? he's not Karl Rove? ;-)

finally, SarahK i has have the next installment of "Hell on Wheels" up over at mountaineer musings.

nighty night, ronin! be honorable...

Rating: 2.3/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Italian Attack in Iraq
Posted by Aquaman at 03:39 PM | Email This

Hello, Aquafans.

Giuliana Sgrena, Commie Italian reporter, was fired on by Marines on March 4th. She says she was targeted, and we know the Marines and their penchant for targeting journalists. Still, nothing has been concluded in this case and no evil-doers have been brought to justice.

So, are Marines really targeting law-abiding Commie journalists?

This sounds like a job for...

Read More...


Rating: 2.5/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (12) | Aqua-Adventures
Hot Arab Chicks March For Freedom in Lebanon
Posted by Scott McCollum at 03:17 PM | Email This

Some say that democracy and freedom in the Middle East is impossible, but thanks to the Internet we see just how eye-catching and titilating democracy in the Arab world can be:


In 1776, the men of the thirteen American colonies raised their voices, declared their independence from a foreign tyrant, and took up arms in the cause of freedom. In 2005, the young hotties of Lebanon are casting off their burkas and marching for freedom in the so-called Arab Street.

My prediction is that Lebanon will be free of Syrian rule by the end of the year and the above-pictured women will appear on Howard Stern soon after.

Post your own predictions in "Comments"

Rating: 1.8/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (30)
RWD's News Round-Up, Monday
Posted by RightWingDuck at 02:50 PM | Email This

Hello Everyone,

I'm RightWingDuck and I'm here to share the news.

Michael Schiavo rejected it.

Of course, I don't blame the guys. He has a much better offer. He has 1.6 million dollars plus a wife to be named later.

Sorry, that was harsh. She's been named. She's just waiting for a slot in the rotation.

That businessman didn't do anybody any favors. That offer only makes Mr. Schiavo look good. "Look at me, I'm not about the money."

Of course it's a bad deal all around. If he accepted the million bucks Michael would have to turn around and buy Terry's silence.

BTW, a better proposition: Offer him the money for allowing 90 days of rehab for Terry. Think it through.

Jose Canseco is going up before Congress to give testimony on the use of Steroids in baseball. He's also going there to plug his new book, "Getting rich and famous with steroids (foreword by Arnold Schwarzenegger).

He's asking for immunity and some clean needles.

He doesn't want a lot of immunity - just 65 cc's.

Ball players are getting nervous over this whole issue. I say just embrace steroids. It's the perfect solution.

The pharma companies can sponsor new stadium construction.
The tax payers don' have to pay for it.
And if the stadium is built on the wrong spot - the ball players can get together and PUSH!

Read More...


Rating: 2.6/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (9) | News Round-Up
Annan Calls Terrorism "Naughty, Naughty, Naughty"
Posted by spacemonkey at 02:10 PM | Email This

Today, U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan, in his most condemning tone to date, has denounced terrorism as 'naughty, naughty, naughty.'

"Terrorists are very bad boys and girls and anyone who engages in acts of terrorism are naughty, naughty, naughty. They should be put in time out and their toys should all be taken away. They should be sent to their rooms without any supper until they learn how to play nice. If this harsh scolding doesn't put and end to global terrorism, then we'll ask them how they'd like having their phone and car priviledges revoked!"
Secretary-General Annan also assured the terrorists he was only laying down some ground rules. Also that there wouldn't be any sort of real punishment without a few more warnings, some written, some verbal, some performed by classically trained mimes. He further stated any punishment, when approved by Aunt Frenchie, Uncle Jerry and their third cousin Russ, would "hurt me, more than it does you, wink, wink, nudge, nudge."

This Fake News brought to you by spacemonkey and inspired by this editoon in Cox and Forkum, who in their wisdom have now linked to IMAO. (Ain't they smart?)

Rating: 2.8/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (3)
Gratuitous T-Shirt Babe Pic o' the Day
Posted by sarahk at 12:26 PM | Email This

this is from the latest photo shoot. finger off trigger, gun pointed at Frank's tv, not Frank J.

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Rating: 2.0/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Open Thread (Just Like on Kos!)
Posted by Frank J. at 09:22 AM | Email This

Talk about what you want here in the comments.

I will mention a topic, though. The Simpsons had been annoying me with getting too political lately, but the episode last night making fun of Commie China was one of their funniest in a long while.

Also, did you catch the Kelsey Grammer Presents: The Sketch Show? I had a feeling that was going to be a disaster, but pretty much every one of their little sketches got a laugh from me. Plus, it had Chloe from 24!

Oh, and the new Star Wars trailer... doesn't that kick ass! It was certianly worth fast-forwarding through the O.C. on my Tivo to see it. Do think Lucas is just getting our hopes up for the final, ultimate dissapointment?

BTW, for those who think IMAO hasn't been biblical enough lately, I've read some good Bible worth studying. Plus, I have an extra special Bible treat!

Now get discussing!

UPDATE: For American Idol fans, big big news!

Rating: 3.3/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (19)
In My World: Democrat Politics Never Pays
Posted by Frank J. at 08:47 AM | Email This

"So let me see if I understand this, Jeb: you simply arrested a Democrat?"

"Well, the mayor of Orlando was committing election fraud and..."

"Wow, all I had to do was arrest them!" Bush declared, "Thanks, Jeb. As my older brother, you've always been looking out for me."

"I'm your younger brother, and it's not so simple. See..."

Bush hung up the phone. "So, Speedy, what's your legal opinion on rounding up and arresting the Democrats?"

"Sounds fun," Attorney General Alberto Gonzales answered, "I'll get my sombrero."

"Get mine too!"

* * * *

Senator Harry Reid saw his door kicked in. "We've heard you're a Democrat!" Alberto declared.

"That's crazy!" Reid answered.

"Then what do you think about Bush's tax cuts?"

"They're too targeted at the rich."

"Democrat!" Alberto yelled, "Arrest him!"

"You can't just arrest me for that!" Reid protested.

"You see this sombrero?" Alberto challenged, pointing to his hat, "It means authority! I do what I want!"

"What about the poncho?"

"It goes with the sombrero, stupid! Now surrender for arrest!"

"Okay," Reid said, "Just let me get my glasses."

"He's resisting arrest!" Alberto shouted, "Deploy nightsticks."

* * * *

"I admit it's not going to be easy to prove you're a Democrat," Alberto told Senator Joe Lieberman, "So why don't we make a deal. It'll be probation plus time served if you just give me the names of more Democrats."

White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan burst into Alberto's office. "I'm hearing that you've been arresting and beating Democrats and now I have to answer to the press!"

"I thought I arrested all of them," Alberto said, confused.

"Apparently not."

"Well, I'll go help you answer questions."

They both walked out to the press room. "So how do you answer to charges of abducting Democrats and beating them with nightsticks?"

Scott started to answer, but Alberto tapped him on the shoulder. "Let me handle this." He then faced the press and said, "Actually, I used a piñata bat. The piñata bat has a long history in Mexican culture, dating back to when Mexicans first discovered they like to beat things with bats. You have to appreciate other cultures."

The press nodded knowingly and walked off. "See, that's how you handle the press, you stupid gringo," Alberto told Scott.

"You know, you never had an accent until you were appointed to this position."

Alberto pulled out his piñata bat. "You shut up!"

* * * *

"With the amount of travel, I think we were sent to another country for trial," said one frightened Democrat.

A man stepped in amongst the prisoners. "You are all charged with witchcraft. The punishment for that crime is to have your left hand cut off."

"That's silly," Sen. Harry Reid answered, "All we are are Democrats and..."

"The punishment for being a Democrat is death!"

Reid thought for a moment. "Well, I guess I was eight-years-old when I first started casting hexes..."

Rating: 2.7/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (19) | In My World
Fun Trivia
Posted by spacemonkey at 08:30 AM | Email This

What is best sign your dirty bomb plans may be faked?

Read More...


Rating: 2.1/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (4) | Fun Trivia
March 13, 2005
The Official United Nations Guide to Fighting Terrorism
Posted by Harvey at 10:13 PM | Email This

Ever since the first bomb was invented 5000 years ago in Egypt by Alfred Nobel, bad people have used them to blow up innocent civilians.

Mainly in Israel.

However, for the first time since then, the UN has vowed to take concrete action to put a stop to these heinous acts. Secretary General Kofi Annan has promised to think about talking about maybe writing down - ON ACTUAL PAPER, mind you - a treaty which, if adopted, would make murdering people even MORE illegal than it already is.

But until that happy day when all nations stand united in saying "NO! NO!" (instead of merely "NO!", which hasn't yet worked, although it certainly MIGHT, if given enough time), the UN has promulgated some stopgap measures that can be implemented immediately.

So, in the interest of public safety, I offer you (in the extended entry) this:

OFFICIAL UNITED NATIONS COMPLETELY USELESS GUIDE TO FIGHTING TERRORISM

Read More...


Rating: 2.3/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (29)
Don't You Hate It?
Posted by spacemonkey at 02:54 AM | Email This

Don't you hate it when you go to your favorite website to find out it didn't get updated all day?

And then when it finally does get updated it's just some lame drivel about it not getting updated?

Yeah, me too. I HATE that!

Rating: 3.3/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (25)
March 11, 2005
Links of the Day
Posted by sarahk at 10:49 PM | Email This

Carnival of the Recipes #30 is up over at pamibe, and wow, it's fabulous! pam is so talented!

both Tammi of Road Warrior Survival and Venomous Kate celebrated blogiversaries this week. congratulations to them!

also, Mike the Marine says goodbye to Dan Rather.

Rating: 1.8/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Evil Glenn's New World Record
Posted by Harvey at 10:43 PM | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

NOTE: DUE TO MATURE THEMES, READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED

If you weren't watching Fox News tonight, I feel sorry for you, because you missed one HELL of a show.

Inspired by Steve Fossett's recent solo, non-stop, global circumnavigation, the vile and despicable evil dark overlord of the blogosphere and part-time law professor, Glenn Reynolds, was on live TV attempting to set a new world record. I can't find a link to a video clip, but the transcript is in the extended entry.

(note: I forgot to put the evilness in the extended entry last night. I apologize for the oversight. Remember kids, drugs are BAD, m'kay?)

Read More...


Rating: 3.9/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (17) | Filthy Lies
RWD's News Round-up, Friday
Posted by RightWingDuck at 03:57 PM | Email This

Hello Everyone, I’m RightWingDuck here to share some news.

There are so many interesting characters in the news lately.

Embattled professor Ward Churchill is now being accused of plagiarism.

Amazing. And the man seemed so genuine.

Let’s see.

He faked his Indian credentials…

Inquiry Board: Are you sure you’re Indian?
Churchill: Of course I am, look at my long hair.

He faked his writing…

Interviewer: Are you sure you’re an author?
Ward: Of course, here’s my book – Das Kapital.

And he faked his humanity…

Co-worker: 3,000 dead at the World Trade Center
Ward: They had it coming.

So, students, remember - it’s okay to write vile, hateful statements about the death of innocents - but the writing must be original.

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Rating: 2.1/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (13) | News Round-Up
On the Use of Power
Posted by spacemonkey at 02:35 PM | Email This

Despite my name, I'm not actually a monkey. Just like Peter Parker's, ironically dead, uncle Ben said, "With great power comes great responsibility," or something to that effect. We, like Peter/Spidey, have a responsibility to be responsible with the powerful power we've been empowered with so our own uncle Ben isn't killed in a similarly ironic fashion due to our irresponsible use or lack of use of power.

There's another saying though. I'm not sure who said it first. Probably some Greek philosopher talking as they were making him drink a poisonous beverage. And it goes, "Power corrupts, absolute power corrupts absolutely".

Taken together, it's easy to see the powerful have a responsibilty to be corrupt. On top of that, the already corrupt probably need to check to see if there's some sort of power that they may already have that they may not be aware of somehow that helped them become corrupt in the first place. That would be the responsible thing to do.

So Frank J., being the humor power baron he is, has an obligation nay, dare I say a responsibilty, to use every means within his control to hawk his shirts. and sell his blogads.

That said, its obvious to me now, I'm corrupt too. Powerful? Ironically, no, just corrupt. I checked.

Update: Frank J. since you said you were thinking about a new idea for a tshirt. I had an idea for a new T-shirt and it involves well, see for yourself.

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Rating: 1.6/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (9)
The Real Fire Rages Inside
Posted by Aquaman at 01:24 PM | Email This

Despite my name, I don't actually have water powers.Hello, Aquafans.

Today, a citizen ran up to me yelling, "Aquaman! We need your help!"

"I'm on my way!" I answered as I jogged to the scene.

An apartment building was ablaze. "So, did you call the fire department?"

"We thought maybe you could do something," the panicked citizens answered.

"Well, though I am named Aquaman, I don't actually have water powers," I explained.

"What can you do?"

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Rating: 1.8/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (16) | Aqua-Adventures
You Foreign? You Buy T-Shirts Now!
Posted by Frank J. at 12:53 PM | Email This

I just found out from a reader in the comments that ThoseShirts.com now ships internationally. Now you have no excuse! You buy t-shirts!

Man, I need to get working on a new t-shirt idea...

Rating: 2.9/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (7)
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 11:30 AM | Email This

How is the cream filling put inside a Twinkie?

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Rating: 2.6/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (10) | Fun Trivia
Open Thread (Just Like on Kos!)
Posted by Frank J. at 09:29 AM | Email This

I liked this idea spacemonkey had yesterday. In the comments here, discuss whatever you want and post links. Who will be the first to get the ball rolling?

And don't just say, "First!"

Rating: 1.7/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (43)
They're Coming for Us
Posted by Frank J. at 09:21 AM | Email This

As blogs threaten the MSM and politicians more and more, the sooner the big blog crackdown will happen. We all knows it's coming. There will be a bipartisan force of stormtroopers led by McCain and Feingold tasked to hunt down bloggers and those who read blogs. Do you think you're ready? If Dan Rather charges you, shouting non-sense and wielding an ax in each hand, will you know what to do?

To help, I've made this list of tips:

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Rating: 2.3/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (20)
March 10, 2005
Links of the Day
Posted by sarahk at 10:17 PM | Email This

David of Guns and Glory has a list of ways to not get shot by the U.S. military (f-bomb warning).

gbfan, who has a great blog in the number one spot on his blogroll, weighs in on the IMAO group blog debate.

Cutter has a step-by-step process for home-making a borelight. looks easier than starting a lawn mower.

finally, Kevin Drum shows us that right-wing bloggers and lefties live in completely different worlds...

Rating: 3.2/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (24)
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 04:55 PM | Email This

Why do ninjas dress all in black?

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Rating: 2.6/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (12) | Fun Trivia
"Courage"
Posted by Scott McCollum at 03:11 PM | Email This

A friend of mine who works as a sportscaster called me from Dallas last night after he'd watched Dan Rather's sign off for the CBS Evening News in his time zone and left me a voice-mail saying: "Ding-Dong The Witch Is Dead."

I had to wait a couple of hours until I got the west coast CBS News feed to see exactly what he meant, but now I get it:

"Courage!
What makes a king out of a slave?
Courage!
What makes the flag on the mast to wave?
Courage!
What makes the Hottentot so hot? What puts the "ape" in apricot? What have they got that I ain't got?"

Courage, Dan... "Courage."

Rating: 2.5/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (13)
The Happy Bunny Song
Posted by Harvey at 02:25 PM | Email This

I was going to write a post about how much I hate terrorists, but with all the hate & death & killing in the news lately, I thought maybe I should try to write about something cheerful and upbeat, instead. So in the extended entry, I've placed

THE HAPPY BUNNY SONG

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Rating: 2.8/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (38) | Songs & Poems
Open Thread (Just Like On KOS!)
Posted by spacemonkey at 02:22 PM | Email This

Dan Rather: miss him or diss him?

Like I have to ask, but you have to hand it to him, the man could really read some copy off the 'prompter. And reading is not something just anybody can do these days. You need at least a first grade education.

But Old Gunga Dan wasn't bad at adlibbing either. Y'know, cause he could make up some rather (HAH! get it?) funny Ratherisms too.

Sayings like "This election's close enough to give an aspirin a headache" come to mind from back when he was hopped up on some sort of energy drink during the 2000 election. You may remember some too.

That said, have at him in the comments. And remember if you can't say something nice at least say something funny.

Update: Hmmm, I guess when the author gives a topic it's really not an open thread is it? Oh well.

Update2: Fixed the ratherism. Its "give an aspirin a headache" not "make an aspirin nervous". Sorry for the fake but accurate egregious error.

Rating: 2.6/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (17)
RWD's News Round-up, Thursday
Posted by RightWingDuck at 02:12 PM | Email This

Hello,

I'm RightWingDuck and I'm here to share the news.

Dan Rather is off the air. Awwwww.

He signed off with the word –“Courage”.

Which is better than what he had originally planned- “Gotcha!! See you guy’s tomorrow.”

Now CBS News faces a major challenge.

Seriously, it’s going to be very difficult to find somebody willing to sit and read from a TelePrompTer while getting paid millions of dollars.

Best of luck to CBS.Courage!

In a funny note, CBS is now getting sued!

It was an odd moment – when the subpoena was served – the executives sniffed, “Yeah, official documents. Like we’re gonna fall for THAT one again.”

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Rating: 2.8/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (16) | News Round-Up
News I Don't Need to Hear
Posted by Frank J. at 10:57 AM | Email This

One cat is busy mastering opening my gun closet, the other it cutting my phone lines, and now there's precedent for my fears.

Rating: 2.6/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (15)
All Life's a Stage... Especially War
Posted by Frank J. at 08:48 AM | Email This

An Ex-Marine claims the official version of the capture of Saddam was staged. You might be surprised... if you aren't smart like me. In wars, stuff is staged or made up all the time. For example:

* The Assassination of President Lincoln: Lincoln was dead from a heroin overdose six days before he supposedly went to Ford Theater. Assassination by John Wilkes Booth was staged to turn public opinion against the political beliefs of actors.

* The Suicide of Hitler: Completely made up when Adolph Hitler wasn't found after the invasion of Germany. Hitler later found vending peanuts at Wrigley Field.

* Raising Flag at Iwo Jima: Picture actually taken on a soundstage in Area 51.

* The Fall of Saigon: Never happened. We actually won the Vietnam War and pretended to lose it to get Commies over-confident.

* The Bombing of Nagasaki: Actually planned ahead of time. Not just done off the cuff.

* The Crusades: Not actaully looking for Holy Land; instead, it was a search for Thai hookers.

* Korean War: North Korea is democratic and South Korea is overrun with Communists. After initial error by a cartographer, the mistake was never corrected to keep up the image of government infallibility.

* The War of 1812: White House burnt down when first lady left oven on. Let Canadians claim credit because we felt so sorry for them.

* Parting of the Red Sea: There were plenty of boats for the Israelites to escape in, but Moses wanted to show off God's awesome might again. Moses is such a wanker.

* Civil War: North never really wanted the South back, but had to pretend they did when the war got too serious.

* Hannibal Crossing the Alps: He actually hang-glided past the Alps. Elephants were sent by freight.

* Mexican-American War: Never happened. West coast stolen from Mexico while they were on siesta.

* Cola Wars: Atlanta was actually set on fire by Coca-Cola to rationalize violent air strike against Pepsi.

* Destruction of the Death Star: For final shot, Luke Skywalker was using the targeting computer.

UPDATE: Michelle Malkin has a good post on the debunking of the staged Saddam story (with links!). And here I was blindly believing Ex-Sgt. Nadim Abou Rabeh who apparently now lives in Lebanon. Well, all the other stories I listed are true.

Rating: 2.7/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (13)
March 09, 2005
Gratuitous T-Shirt Babe Pic o' the Day
Posted by sarahk at 11:06 PM | Email This

in celebration of my other blog reaching 200,000 hits today (yay CrankyBeach and Angela, who sent me the screen cap!), i give you the Clueless Blonde with a Gun Pic O' the Day.

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Rating: 3.7/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (15)
Car-Bomber Bumper Stickers
Posted by Harvey at 05:11 PM | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

With all the crazy action going on over in Iraq, it's hard to tell friend from foe. Let's say you're manning a checkpoint and a car comes careening up toward you. You have no idea whether it's a suicidal car-bomber, an innocent (if somewhat communist) Italian journalist, or simply just another Ahmed Lunchpail in a hurry to get home for a nooner.

Wouldn't it be nice if there were an easy way to tell them apart so you wouldn't accidentally open fire on the last example and risk losing the hearts and minds of the Iraqi people? Well, it turns out there's an easy way to spot the bad guys - just read the bumper stickers! If you see one that's even remotely like the ones I list in the extended entry, then fire at will:

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Rating: 3.3/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (44) | Precision Guided Humor Assignments
The Return of Headline Fun
Posted by Frank J. at 02:47 PM | Email This

Oh no! No posts! It's time for...

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Rating: 1.3/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (59)
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 12:12 PM | Email This

As you descend into a black hole, what happens to you?

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Rating: 2.3/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (12)
From the NRA Gun Safety Manual, Chapter 13
Posted by Frank J. at 10:47 AM | Email This

Since I couldn't think of anything good to write about today, I decided I might as well help in one of my pet causes my spreading more knowledge on gun safety. Thus, I'm printing a part of the NRA Gun Safety Manual.

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Rating: 2.4/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (8) | Frank on Guns
Dude, Where's My Muse
Posted by Frank J. at 09:04 AM | Email This

I totally have been unable to think of something to post about today. I know there's stuff in the news - including a Italian Commie getting shot at - but nothing is clicking into jokes.

Anyway, you guys are the readers; what kind of stuff do you like me making fun of? Ideas! Give me ideas!

Rating: 1.5/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (36)
March 08, 2005
Links of the Day
Posted by sarahk at 09:46 PM | Email This

none of the other bloggers sent me a link of the day today, so it's all up to my feminine wiles.

some anonymous guy in the comments posted a link to the unedited picture from my pic o' the day this afternoon. it's true, there's a gag order in effect, so i had to doctor the picture...

also, from the kissing up to SarahK gets you a Frankalanche category, Pluto's Dad has the top 10 motifs for SarahK posting at IMAO, or something like that. and #8 has waaaay too many euphemisms for me to say such naughty things!

and this just in: Kevin Drum has tips for better writing and other blogging tips. i don't need them, but you might. ;-)

nighty night, Ronin. be faithful and stuff.

Rating: 4.5/5 (1 vote cast)

Comments (5)
Top Ten Things That Can Help Stretch Your Gasoline Budget.
Posted by spacemonkey at 05:15 PM | Email This

With gas prices getting higher than a hippie eating 'special' brownies I though it salient to come up with some way to help people out. So I came up with the...

Top Ten things that can help stretch your gasoline budget.

10) Learn astral projection. It's just like being there with out all the actually being there.

9) Take a lesson from NASCAR and draft as much as possible. (No, Sen. Rangel, not that draft)

8) Be uphill from everywhere you want to go. So you can just coast.

7) Three things: Siphon hose, gas can and cover of night. You do the math.

6) Drive the speed limit. Speeding not only burns more gas, it can seriously get your Commie Italian rear end shot at/up.

5) Don’t drive for a week, then use the money you saved to hire a mercenary army to fight a war for oil on your behalf. I suggest Iran, lots of oil and no US Marines, yet.

4) Instead of the fine gasoline you normally use, fill up with dark, rich, sparkling Folger's crystals and see if your car can tell the difference.

3) Instead of driving, get from place to place using roller blades and a lasso, borrow momentum from passing vehicles.

2) Get the eco-friendly utopia converter kit that the hippies use so your car will run on moonbeams, butterfly kisses, and B. O. (that's right, now you know)

And the number one thing that can help stretch your gasoline budget....

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Rating: 2.7/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (14)
An Important Message from Aquaman
Posted by Aquaman at 03:39 PM | Email This

There is nothing more fun than safety!Hello, Aquafans.

Today I want to talk about an important, pressing issue that affects many of us in our daily lives. While I'm often fighting threats to the entire world (if they originate in the sea), this is a threat to your own personal world.

What I'm talking about, of course, is horseplay around the pool.

Nearly 80 million Americans get unintentionally wet each year as a result of horseplay in and around the pool. All of this is avoidable, though, if we simply treat swimming with the proper, somber attitude.

So please limit your horseplay to playgrounds, malls, oil refineries, and other places safely away from water. Remember, kids, you can't breathe underwater like your hero, Aquaman.

This is Aquaman, signing off.

Rating: 2.8/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (18) | Aqua-Adventures
Totally True Tidbits About Bono
Posted by Harvey at 02:35 PM | Email This

For reasons that give new meaning to the word "inexplicable", U2 front man Bono is having his name kicked around as possibly being the next president of the World Bank.

I guess it's not completely insane, though, since nothing says "fiscal responsibility" like wrap-around shades and beard stubble.

However, before handing this man the keys to the kingdom of international graft, bribery, and kickbacks, it would be helpful to know a little more about him. So, with a little help from my friend, "making stuff up as I go along", I present (in the extended entry) these:

TOTALLY TRUE TIDBITS ABOUT BONO

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Rating: 2.5/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (28) | Totally True Tidbits
Gratuitous T-Shirt Babe Pic o' the Day
Posted by sarahk at 01:35 PM | Email This

this is from my AI audition. i don't know the girl behind me, so i painted over her.

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Rating: 2.0/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (13)
RWD's News Round-Up, Tuesday
Posted by RightWingDuck at 12:19 PM | Email This

Hello,

I'm RightWingDuck and I'm here to share the news.

USA Today reports that most small cars miserably fail side impact crash tests.

Let me make sure I understand this experiment. You ram this big vehicle into the side of a small vehicle – and then you’re shocked that it sustained so much damage?

In other news, Consumer Reports details which cars can’t handle being hurled off a bridge.

The only car that passed the test was the Mini-Cooper which bounced off a passing turtle and skipped to shore.

I also just discovered that my Hanes t-shirts aren’t bullet proof!! Curse you Michael Jordan!!

What is up with that?

I assume that if you buy a small car, you’re aware of the fact that it might not be as safe as a big car? I personally enjoy driving my Hyundai Death Casket GT.

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Rating: 3.5/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (29) | News Round-Up
Downloading Crap Is A Felony
Posted by Scott McCollum at 11:36 AM | Email This

AP reports that University of Arizona student Parvin Dhaliwal was convicted of using peer-to-peer networking software on his computer to illegally download copyrighted movies and music off the Internet.

From the AP:
"The FBI found more than $50 million in music and movies on Dhaliwal's computer. The illegally copied property included movies that, at the time of the theft, were available only in theaters. They included Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Matrix Revolutions, The Cat In The Hat, and Mona Lisa Smile."

If I were an FBI agent, just reading that list would justify arresting this guy for crappy taste in movies.

In all seriousness, intellectual property is an important right afforded by the U.S. Constitution and if Dhaliwal stole The Frank J. Happy Dance and put in on the Internet, I'd ask prosecutors for nothing less than the death penalty.

Rating: 1.0/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (20)
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 10:20 AM | Email This

What is the most used word in the English language?

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Rating: 2.9/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (15) | Fun Trivia
If Felons Can Vote, Then I Should Be Able to Carry at Polling Places
An Editorial by Frank J.
Posted by Frank J. at 08:45 AM | Email This

 There are a number of restrictions to my conceal carry permit, such as I'm not allowed to carry in a school zone, at a post office, or to a polling place. In those situation, I just have to rely on my mad kung fu skillz. That was somewhat acceptable until I found out that Democrats are now pushing to allow felons to vote.

"If someone is capable of murder, he probably won't have any compunction about voting for a Democrat."

 Now, conservatives have been making statement against the effectiveness gun control for a while in the form of "If someone is planning on killing someone, he won't have any compunction about breaking gun laws." Democrats must have finally taken that to heart and expanded the logic to "If someone is capable of murder, he probably won't have any compunction about voting for a Democrat." Now the DNC see violent offenders as an untapped resource to help push close elections to their side. And it works in more ways than just giving them more votes.

 Think of what the new Democrat ads would be like:

ANNOUNCER: Now that felons have regained the vote, the Democrats want to see as many as possible at your local polling place. Yes, voting around you will be your newly enfranchised friends like these...

On screen appears mug shots of offenders along with their rap sheets.

Talk about voter intimidation.

 It ain't gonna work on me, bub. I say we lobby for us permit holders to now carry into polling places. Alarmists will worry about me running into the room with two guns blazing, but, while I will have two .45s pointed out in front of me, safeties off, fingers on the triggers, shouting, "I'm voting Republican! And, if any of you have a problem with it, make your move!" I will not be firing any rounds unless someone mistakenly thinks I'm bluffing. Yes, it could end in a violent shootout, but that's true democracy for you. If you don't like it, go to some country that doesn't have democracy and we currently don't have any immediate plans to invade (I can't think of any off-hand, but I know there are some).

 So, Democrats, go ahead and get felons the vote. Just expect me to come reasonably prepared... and I don't just mean having read up on the issues. And, if one of your new voters causes me any trouble, he'll end up with more holes in him than a punch card ballot.

Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as "Voting with Your Conscience and Your Colt" and "Fluffy Puppy Petey’s Wacky Wahhabism Adventure".

Rating: 2.1/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (18) | Editorials
March 07, 2005
But HOW MUCH Do I Suck?
Posted by Harvey at 09:55 PM | Email This

In the comments to one of my earlier posts, loyal IMAO reader Lionstone - concerned about maintaining the high comedic standards that all IMAO readers have come to expect over the years - offered the following bit of feedback:

Harvey sucks

Now, as much as I appreciate such well-thought-out constructive criticism, I'm afraid that it's a little... vague. In order to improve the quality of my posts, I'll need a more quantitatively measureable response.

Although I was tempted to go with the Star Wars suck-scale (where Episode IV is the lowest, or 1 suck-point, Episode I is the highest, or 5 suck-points, and the positions of Episodes II, V, and VI are currently being debated in all-night chat-room sessions by pimply-faced men who've never kissed a girl), I decided to use a more definitive 30-point scale, which I list in the extended entry. Please read the list, choose the suck-level that most accurately represents my revoltingly inept unfunniness, and leave your choice in the comments.

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Rating: 3.5/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (57)
Links of the Day
Posted by sarahk at 09:38 PM | Email This

John Hawkins has his second interview with Michelle Malkin. i like to tease Frank about her (as he remembered her birthday but forgot mine and tends to go on and on about how she modeled his t-shirt for his blogiversary), but i really heart Michelle and bought her book long before Frank did. and even though John didn't vote for me in the t-shirt babe contest, i heart him too.

also, SarahK has the second installment of the Bad Example Family (& Friends) Reunion up. wow, that girl has storytelling talent. ;-)

and basil, always hilarious with Headlines, has a bundle for your reading pleasure...

UPDATE: the evil fake sarahK has photographic evidence of what happened at Frank's house when the jewelers called Saturday night.

Rating: 0.8/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (7)
G.I. Joe Foo's Middle East Adventure
Posted by Frank J. at 09:26 PM | Email This

Today my brother, Joe foo' the Marine, headed out for Kuwait where he will spend a week before heading to the kind of place in Iraq where it's a good idea to have some Marines standing by. I'll have to get in letter writing mode to keep in contact with him, and I'll keep you updated in general of how he is doing such as the kind of people he's meeting and if he's targeting any journalists.

Please keep him in your prayers.

Rating: 2.4/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (21)
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 04:12 PM | Email This

What is the main diet of the two-toed sloth?

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Rating: 2.0/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (10) | Fun Trivia
RWD's News Round-up Monday
Posted by RightWingDuck at 02:44 PM | Email This

Hello,

I'm RightWingDuck here to share the news.

Arnold Schwarzenegger wants to take junk food out of the schools.

That's not very fair. Schools are dangerous places. Aren’t students allowed to choose their final meal?

He answered the question when they asked him about school obesity.

Obese kids, or as the bullies call them– soft targets.

I like the fat ones, it means they’ve survived public school. Each layer of fat is like the rings on a tree!

The funny part is they asked him about running for president. He should answer honestly. "Well, I'd like to focus on running California into the ground - then I'll move on to running the country."

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Rating: 3.3/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (16)
Me Smash Group Blog!
Posted by Frank J. at 01:41 PM | Email This

Everyone seems to hate that IMAO is now a group blog (except for those who don't). It's so visceral, you think the reasons may be personal such as a group blog killed a reader's father. I thought it would be a good idea to task my crack research team to find exactly what are the reasons the new group blog is so hated, and, luckily, the reasons were ten in number.

TOP TEN REASON THE IMAO GROUP BLOG SUCKS

10. Too easy to get confused who authored which post leaving me unsure whether to think it’s funny.

9. Now that SarahK can post on IMAO, I just know it's now going to be about nothing but girl stuff such as boobs.

8. Heart simply can't take the suspense of waiting for Scott to finally post. [Ed. Note: Why did Scott have to choose today to ruin this joke?]

7. Instead of numerous posts a day, was hoping that IMAO would go the way of Eject! Eject! Eject! and do one really big post every other year.

6. Aquaman's research before posting is shoddy to non-existent.

5. Since IMAO has become a group blog, there is too much "Frank" and not nearly enough "J."

4. Cannot fathom any reason to laugh more than once in a single day.

3. I only come here for pictures of cats.

2. First I was supposed to hate monkeys, and now I'm supposed to read the writings of a flying one from space! I'm conflicted!

And the number one reason the IMAO group blog sucks...

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Rating: 3.3/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (32)
Sgrena Sees The Light
Posted by Scott McCollum at 12:47 PM | Email This

By now we've all heard the MSM hypothesis that the shootings at a roadside security checkpoint in Iraq where Italian military intelligence officer Nicola Calipari was killed and commie journalist Giuliana Sgrena was wounded by U.S. military forces was a "hit" and this illegal action by the U.S. military all but exonerates CNN's Eason Jordan.

Well, we all know that a top-notch communist will tell you a lie when it's easier to tell you the truth. This makes Giuliana Sgrena one heckuva communist.

You're old buddy Scott would like to point out two big holes in that hypothesis that nobody in the MSM is bringing up:

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Rating: 3.1/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (14) | Filthy Lies
Coincidence Or Conspiracy? Monkey Business In Bolivia
Posted by spacemonkey at 12:17 PM | Email This

Two seemingly unrelated events yet....

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Rating: 2.3/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Gratuitous T-Shirt Babe Pic o' the Day
Posted by sarahk at 11:27 AM | Email This

this was during the most recent photo shoot. i was either standing on my tippy toes trying to be tall or trying to make my chest look bigger.

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Rating: 1.5/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (10)
In My World: The Dark Cloud of Glorious Reality
Posted by Frank J. at 09:38 AM | Email This

"Liberals everywhere are having to come to grips with the fact that Iraq may not be a complete disaster," the anchorman announced, "We now go to one of the war's dissenters, humanities Professor John Glickman."

The professor was clutching his head and pounding it against his desk. "Brain hurt! Bush bad! But no disaster in Middle East! Can't... comprehend... Bush wrong! Right is wrong! Black is white!" He then screamed and jumped through his window.

Condoleezza Rice turned off the T.V. "Reality is descending upon the liberals. Some learn to embrace. Some kill themselves rather than have to face it. Other burrow further into the dark recesses of delusion to conceal themselves from it."

"Is this that 'reality-based' community I keep hearing about?" President Bush asked.

"Yes," Condi answered, "based on reality, but not quite of it. They do not operate in the same realm of thought that normal humans do. You see, current events have been like an antibiotic to the bacteria that are liberals. While most are killed out, those remaining are the most virulent - or, in the case of liberals - more delusional."

"That's a great point," Bush said frankly, "Rover, what's your take."

The hooded-figure of Karl Rove emerged from the shadows. "The Book of Punditry says that a wind from the East would decimate the enemy. If democracy hits the land of the black riches while the pachyderm holds the throne, then the ass shall be kicked from power forever."

"Sounds like a plan," Bush said.

"You're not understanding anything either of us are saying, are you?" Condi asked.

"No, but, as long as our plans are working, who cares?" Bush said smugly, "Middle East knows what's what, now, and everything is falling into place!"

"Anyway, I would like permission to capture and study one of these uber-liberals," Condi stated, "They could be a danger, but we won't know until we imprison one."

"Will this involve intrusive and painful measures to the liberal?" Bush asked.

"Most certainly."

"Sounds good to me, but I better consult with the Attorney General. Hey, Alberto, what's your opinion on capturing a U.S. citizen without any cause, holding him indefinitely, and torturing him?"

"I don't give a flying @#$%," Alberto Gonzales answered, "and I don't see why anyone else would."

"Sage advice as always," Bush said, "Well, Condi, you have a go. On to other matters." He turned to the Vice President. "Any luck on finding Osama?"

Cheney shrugged his shoulders. "He wasn't by the coffee pot."

Bush looked to Rumsfeld. "And how's the exit strategy on Iraq?"

"There are still some Iraqis left alive, but we'll take care of them," Rumsfeld vowed.

"We're not supposed to kill them, Rummy," Bush said, "We're supposed to help them build a prosperous democracy."

"What!" Rumsfeld yelled, "You keep changing the plan on me! Rarr!"

"Hey, the situation is fluid," Bush said as he ducked under the table, "Well, on to the domestic agenda, we need to get our Social Security reform passed. I forget, though; what narrow special interest does this serve?"

"I think it's stock brokers," Cheney responded.

"Might be the wealthy in general once more," Condi commented.

"I'm sure Halliburton wants it," Cheney added, "and that's all that's important."

"So how are we going to stop the Democrats from... uh... stopping us?" Bush inquired.

"We have the most evil nine-year-old in existence campaigning for us," Rove intoned.

"And, best of all," Cheney added, "he's working solely for Yu-Gi-Oh cards."

"What in God's name are those?" Bush asked.

"No adult knows," Cheney answered.

Little Noah McCullough stepped forward. "I love studying about presidents, and I want to make sure there is Social Security when I retire, golly gosh!"

"He's cute! Seniors love cute kids!" Bush exclaimed, "The Democrats will have no rebuttal to this!"

"They've tried teaching their talking points to kittens to counter us," Rove said, "and have executed eight so far for failure."

"Anything else to worry about the Democrats?" Bush inquired.

"They're threatening to filibuster more judicial nominees," Cheney answered.

"Someone should send them a box full of Viagra for their impotency." Bush laughed. "Don't actually do that, though; that stuff is expensive."

The group sat around silently for a while.

"Okay, I'm bored," Bush stated, "Let's issue another terror alert."

* * * *

"We were informed that the terror alert had been raised to orange since the terrorists had stolen the 'rock' from 'rock & roll' leaving us with just 'roll' which hardly is useful by itself. I called a number of music stations, and, while some did not have 'roll,' all had 'rock' at least and did not know of any terrorist attacks. How do you explain this?"

White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan looked at his talking points. All it said was "I'm not fat; I'm big-boned." Scott looked to the press and shrugged his shoulders. "The President is an ass?"

Rating: 2.0/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (23) | In My World
The Love Is Back!
Posted by spacemonkey at 08:17 AM | Email This

And wuv, twue wuv. Wuv has now been westored to IMAO.

Huh you ask? Huh, indeed. The trackback linky-type love, baby! Whatever had formerly R-U-N-N-O-F-T with the trackem-up-backer is apparently fixed.

Lesser imps and demons should feel free to rebuild any post that linked here and you got some sort of crazy bifurcated 'unable to ping IMAO because you ain't bonified' error.

You are now permitted to rebuild and reap any sort of whirlwind related to us going to your blog to answer those self agrandizing "Hey, what sort of ankle-biter linked me?" type questions.

Reap, Anklebiters! REAP!

Subject for the blogless to comment about: other quotes from the movies I shamelessly misquoted.

Oh and Frank J. scooped me.

Rating: 2.9/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Ping!
Posted by Frank J. at 06:39 AM | Email This

I woke up this morning and what did I find?

Trackback spam!

Somehow, trackbacks just magically fixed themselves without me having to change anything on my blog. That's good, because, technically, they were never supposed to be broken in the first place by my analysis.

Now trackback our posts! Hooray!

Rating: 2.2/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (6)
March 06, 2005
Totally True Tidbits About Knights
Posted by Harvey at 11:01 PM | Email This

Last week Bill Gates was awarded an honorary knighthood by England's Queen Elizabeth. I can't believe she actually thinks that sucking up to America's billionaires by letting them put "Knight Commander of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire" on their resume is going to make up for burning down the White House.

Some of us haven't forgotten 1812, Queenie.

That aside, it seems there are a lot of misconceptions about knighthood and knights in general. Which is a good thing, because that means that Americans still realize that royalty and nobility are stupid ideas, and the only good use for a Queen is playing her on top of an opposite-colored King.

Monarchy - BOO! HISS!

However, if you're planning a trip to Englandia, it might make you look like less of a retard if you understood some of the local cultural traditions, like the proper way for peasants to wallow in mud, and (in the extended entry) these:

TOTALLY TRUE TIDBITS ABOUT KNIGHTS

Read More...


Rating: 3.0/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (30) | Totally True Tidbits
Links of the Weekend
Posted by sarahk at 06:32 PM | Email This

Carnival of the Recipes #29 is up over at Rocket Jones.

and Spacemonkey found a surprisingly addicting,violent online game. i played it twice.

Rating: 3.0/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (16)
March 05, 2005
Gratuitous T-Shirt Babe Pic o' the Day
Posted by sarahk at 07:45 PM | Email This

from the original photo shoot. and don't worry, no finger on the trigger.

Read More...


Rating: 2.1/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (20)
How to Write for IMAO
Posted by Harvey at 05:21 PM | Email This

Since I started posting at IMAO, people are always - by which I mean never - asking me, "Hey Harv, how do you manage to create all those hilarious posts?"

Easy.

I just follow the very simple, sure-fire, never-miss, all-purpose, super-comedic, hypenated-adjectivated, IMAO 3-step posting formula, which you can see in the extended entry.

Read More...


Rating: 3.4/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (12)
March 04, 2005
Glenn Reynolds' Rehab Clinic
Posted by Harvey at 10:32 PM | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

So I was watching the Playboy channel the other night - and before you say anything, I only watch it for the commercials - I saw this one commercial for a new rehab clinic that Glenn Reynolds is opening up in Memphis. The transcript is in the extended entry...

Read More...


Rating: 2.8/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (8) | Filthy Lies
Aircraft Purchase
Posted by Frank J. at 01:02 PM | Email This

Since I don't have any humor of my own to post today (I need to get back to reading the Bible), I'll post one of my favorite bits of internet humor that's been floating around for years.

Read More...


Rating: 2.3/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (13)
Bin Laden's Blackberry Hacked!
Posted by spacemonkey at 12:09 PM | Email This

IMAO Exclusive! More actual* IM logs from the Blackberry owned by the left's favorite terrorist.

OBL: Wassup Johnny?
PrettyJohnny: Well, O, I'm still out of work.
OBL: At least you aren't LIVING IN A [BLEEP]ING CAVE, like SOME PEOPLE I know.
PrettyJohnny: Hey now, O, baby, You KNOW things would be different if the bad hair twins hadn’t stolen the election.
OBL: yeah, yeah, I know, I know, you and Flip did what you could. But this whole running for my life, cave living deal, well, sorta sucks.
PrettyJohnny: It's probably just a matter of time though.
OBL: Till what? They catch me? Have you heard something??
PrettyJohnny: No you silly-sally. till I'LL be living in a cave too. I'm out of work and I'm still having to keep myself up, y'know.
OBL: Of course, its your Allah-given right to be pretty. But Johnny, you wouldn't make it three minutes in a cave.

Read More...


Rating: 1.8/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (10) | IMAO Exclusives
Voice Response Systems are Not Our Friends
Posted by sarahk at 11:29 AM | Email This

T-Mobile's voice response system

VOICE: Hi, I'm Roxy. I'm worthless.
SARAHK: Hi, worthless. I'd like to check my balance.
VOICE: I think you said you've lost your balance. Is that correct?
SARAHK: No, I'd like to check my balance.
VOICE: I'm sorry, that is not an appropriate response.
SARAHK: Well, you're a worthless voice response system.
VOICE: That social security number does not match the number on your account.
SARAHK: Social security? What are you talking about?
VOICE: I believe I heard, 'I'd like to go on a walkabout.' For an Australian walkabout, say 'G'day'. For a walkabout in Tasmania, run around in circles and freak people out.
SARAHK: LISTEN! I JUST WANT TO CHECK MY BALANCE!
VOICE: There is no need to yell. Voice response systems have feelings too. I'm hurt.
SARAHK: You're gonna think hurt in about five seconds, missy.
VOICE: That's better. Did you say you were in a car wreck and would like Roadside Assistance to call someone for you?
SARAHK: Wha? That's not even on my plan.
VOICE: Would you like to add it?
SARAHK: No.
VOICE: Did I hear, "Yes"? One moment please.
SARAHK: I DIDN'T SAY YES!! I SAID NO!!
VOICE: There you go with the yelling again. I'll pause while you regain your manners.
SARAHK: Worthless, I just want to check my balance.
VOICE: You want to check your balance. Is that correct?
SARAHK: Yes, thank you.
VOICE: One moment, please, while I transfer you to a representative. To expedite your call, please say the last four digits of your social security number.
SARAHK: Fi--

VOICE: I'm sorry. That is not the correct date of birth.
SARAHK: You asked for social security number!
VOICE: I'm sorry. You'll have to call back. Be sure to ask for Roxy. Good-bye.

later...

VOICE: Welcome to T-Mobile's voice response system. I'm Roxy, and I'm worthless.
SARAHK: Hi, worthless.
VOICE: What can I help you with? Remember to speak clearly so I can properly aggravate you.
SARAHK: I need to change the name on my account.
VOICE: Let me make sure I got that correctly. Did you say you have a question about your address?
SARAHK: Um, no.
VOICE: Please do not call Roxy a dumb ho. Roxy is a real person with real feelings and real tears. Do you feel the real tears dripping from your earpiece?
SARAHK: Roxy, you're great and all, but I need to change my name.
VOICE: I believe you said you need to change for the game. May I suggest something red? Red is your color.
SARAHK: Well, um, thank you. I do look good in red, huh?
VOICE: Yes. May I help you with something else?
SARAHK: Yes. When I call other people, my name on their caller ID shows up as my former name.
VOICE: Did you say you want to crawl over people, holler "hidey" and throw up on a door frame?
SARAHK: I give up.
VOICE: I do not understand your response. Is that "give" up, or "throw" up?
SARAHK: Neither.
VOICE: I'm sorry. I will require a response before I can continue.
SARAHK: Am I on Candid Camera?
VOICE: Please try again. Say your social security number.
SARAHK: We're back to the social security number? Fi--

VOICE: I'm sorry. We are experiencing ridiculously high call volume.
SARAHK: At midnight?
VOICE: Goodnight.
SARAHK: No wait!! ... Hello? ... Hello?

even later...

VOICE: Welcome to T-Mobile. I hope you enjoy your evening with us.
SARAHK: Well, this shouldn't take all evening.
VOICE: Everything takes all evening, hon.
SARAHK: Are you going to ask what I want?
VOICE: No.
SARAHK: Should I just tell you?
VOICE: Hold on... ... ... Ok, ma'am, I'm ready.
SARAHK: What were you doing?
VOICE: I'm in the can.
SARAHK: Perhaps when you're in the can, someone else can take calls for you.
VOICE: I do not understand your response. Would you like to change your service plan?
SARAHK: No, I like my plan.
VOICE: One moment, while I change your service plan.
SARAHK: Fine, whatever. Listen, I haven't received my bill.
VOICE: Ma'am, what I hear is that you were deceived by Phil.
SARAHK: No, I didn't say that.
VOICE: Would you like T-Mobile to take care of Phil for you?
SARAHK: Y'all do that kind of thing?
VOICE: On occasion.
SARAHK: No thanks. I want to know how much my bill is so I can pay it.
VOICE: Did you say you'd like to book a Caribbean cruise?
SARAHK: No, I want to pay you.
VOICE: T-Mobile pays me a nice wage, but thank you for the offer.
SARAHK: Can I speak to an operator?
VOICE: One moment while I transfer you to a humorless man who hates his job and hates you even more.
SARAHK: Uhhh... okay.
VOICE: I'm sorry, that is not the social security number associated with this account. Please call later when call volumes are even higher. Good-bye, and thank you for patronizing T-Mobile.
SARAHK: Blast it.

Rating: 2.8/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (15)
When Will People Learn?
Posted by Frank J. at 11:18 AM | Email This

Annika has the horrifying story of why man and monkey will never get along. When will people finally wake up and push all monkeys into the sea?

Rating: 1.9/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (11)
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 11:03 AM | Email This

Why hasn't there been any posts so far today?

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Rating: 2.8/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (8) | Fun Trivia
Gratuitous T-Shirt Babe Pic o' the Day
Posted by sarahk at 12:49 AM | Email This

dude... sweet...
like, i totally don't know what kind of face i was making here.

Read More...


Rating: 3.1/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (10)
March 03, 2005
Illustrated Guide to Serial Killer Identification
Posted by Harvey at 08:05 PM | Email This

Dennis L. Rader, the infamous BTK serial killer, was recently captured in Kansas, where he will soon be tried, convicted, sentenced, drawn, quartered, shot, stabbed, hung, gassed, electrocuted, and/or forced to listen to the Llama Song on endless loop.

An expert interviewed by New York Newsday said that she wasn't surprised to find out that Rader was the killer, because he was a married father of two, devout official in his Lutheran congregation, one-time Cub Scout leader, and by-the-book code enforcement officer, and no one would ever have suspected him.

Therefore, he fit the profile and was obviously guilty.

Yeah... I'm confused, too.

Now, I'm sure that many IMAO readers know some upstanding community leaders, and are now asking themselves "Is my neighbor a serial killer? Should I call the police? Should I kill him first and hide his body in a shallow grave?"

The answer is, of course, "yes" to all of the above. So get kill'n.

For those of you who didn't just get up from your computers to self-defensively murder your neighbors, I present (in the extended entry) this

ILLUSTRATED GUIDE TO SERIAL KILLER IDENTIFICATION

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Rating: 3.6/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (22)
Fun Trivia
Posted by spacemonkey at 03:30 PM | Email This

A spacemonkey tribute to Frank J.'s fun trivia question he asked in the now classic and never before seen on IMAO, an apparently, though not actually, pentuply posted post, from yesterday.

How did the dinosaurs die out?

Read More...


Rating: 2.5/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (13) | Fun Trivia
RWD's News Round-up - Thursday
Posted by RightWingDuck at 03:18 PM | Email This

Hello Everyone,

I'm RightWingDuck, Here to share the news.

I’d like to start off with a little bit of bad news.

Bubba the lobster is dead. There was a lot of controversy when this 22 pound lobster was fished out of the ocean. Some wanted him saved, others boiled. Finally, the restaurant owner donated him to an aquarium – where he died the next day.


Many will be showing up to mourn his passing. They’ll come bearing candles, flowers, and melted butter.

Please show at at 7:00 P.M with your mourning bibs.

The GlobalFlyer will be touching down after flying around the world without refueling!

This is really awesome because at first, they weren’t sure how he had somehow lost about 2,600 pounds of fuel.

What’s more embarrassing, he also seems to have lost his luggage!

Most of the plane is constructed to hold the fuel. His personal space in the cockpit has just enough room for him to lean back and take cat naps.

So not only did he travel around the world – it appears he did it while traveling in coach.

You want to really impress me, put a screaming baby in the back row. Then let’s see how he does.

Read More...


Rating: 3.0/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (18)
ACLU: Remove Letter 't' From Alphabet
Posted by spacemonkey at 02:50 PM | Email This

American Civil Liberties Union lawyers on behalf of atheist and non-Christian Americans are petitioning the Supreme Court in a new crusade. Emboldened by their success at removing the small gold cross from the County of Los Angeles seal. The group has rallied around the notion of removing the 'cross looking' letter from the English language in America since it bears resemblance to the familiar Christian symbol.

Alber Whie, an ACLU counsel who legally had the letter moved from his name earlier this month and doesn't pronounce it either, speaks on behalf of the ACLU.

The American Civil Liber-ies Union feels i- is a viola-ion of sepera-ion of church and s-a-e -o con-inue -o include Chris-ian symbols in governmen-.

Our pe-i-ion is -ha- the le--er in ques-ion be s-ricken from all public names, places, governmen- buildings, and cons-i-u-ional ins-i-u-ions and replaced wi-h -he secular non religious dashmark. In o-her words 'Montana' would become 'Mon-ana', President becomes Presiden-, 'Texas' will s-ill be 'Texas' because i- has a capi-al 'T' and no- -he offensive lowercase varie-y.

Whie also asked that the media stop calling this effort a "crusade", for what he said were "obvious reasons." He added he felt a compromise could be possible if the lower case 't' were simply flipped upside down.

Fake News from spacemonkey, brought to you by the letter '-'.

Rating: 2.9/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (17)
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 02:43 PM | Email This

What is the quickest way for Iran to get nuclear missiles?

Read More...


Rating: 1.3/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (6) | Fun Trivia
Bubba... Nooooooo!!!
Posted by Aquaman at 10:53 AM | Email This

You damn, fool non-underwater-breathing humans! Get your clumsy hands off my ocean friends!

Do not bother me. I must have a day of mourning.

Rating: 1.8/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (12)
Did You Know...
Posted by Frank J. at 09:31 AM | Email This

...if it weren't for the little holes on in the view-window of the microwave, your brain would explode as you stared at your pasta reheating.

...the amount of pork Ted Kennedy has eaten in his lifetime has done more to help small farmers than any farm bill he helped pass.

...if you walk up to William Shatner and yell, "Denny Crane!" he'll punch you a little less hard if you walked to him and did that Vulcan salute thing with the fingers.

...my living will states that a loaded gun will be placed in my hand in case someone tries to remove my feeding tube.

...you'll die sad and lonely.

...car alarms, in their existence, have prevented hardly any auto thefts and caused over a hundred second degree murders.

...the most powerful martial art is Ching-Ching Pow.

...the reason Riemann Hypothesis has never been proven is because it's wrong.

...quantum physics is proof that, when God was trying to get the laws of the universe to work together, at some point He finally just gave up and exclaimed, "Aww, @#$% this!"

...God can swear all he wants because He's God.

...the male platypus is poisonous and a total freak of nature.

...you burn more calories chewing celery than you gain from eating.

...the same can't be said for the ranch dressing you dip it in, fat ass.

...the corporation Microsoft has gotten where it is today though hard work, by offering a superior product, and because of the will of Satan.

...nothing can ever be "proved."

...including the previous statement.

...the word "ninja" wasn't coined until the 70's.

...that didn't keep them from killing people well before then.

...you are currently contributing to entropy that will lead to the heat-death of the universe.

...it's within the laws of physics that the atoms of whatever you're currently sitting on or standing on could line up in such a way that you could fall right through it as if it didn't exist.

...if that happens to you, please tell me.

...or have your next of kin tell me.

...but don't e-mail me.

...it's illegal in most states to set a hippy on fire.

...if you dive for cover while firing two gun simultaneously, your accuracy will be significantly decreases and your coolness will significantly increase.

...I don't believe in ghosts but I still wish I had bullets to shoot them with.

...or a shot shell.

...the little girl in The Exorcist got possessed because she played with a Ouija board.

...I once played with an Ouija board at school and then a demon tried to possess me. I scared it away by hitting it on the nose.

...the phrase "The Power of Christ compels you!" is such more elegant than "Get out of that girl 'fore Jesus kicks your ass, you @#$% devil."

...Pope John Paul II has done numerous exorcisms.

...I don't know what phrase he uses.

...if your car is spinning out, steer with the spin.

...or against the spin.

...well, just don't slam on the brakes.

...Protestants and Catholics have different versions of the Ten Commandments.

...either way, don't murder anyone.

...if someone comes running at you with an ax, check to see if he's a fireman, because, if he isn't, he might mean you harm.

...some times ax is spelled "axe." Anyone ever do a cost saving analysis on not using these unneeded letters?

...I know they cost me one byte of storage space a piece.

...half a byte is a nibble.

...half a nibble is a crumb.

...half a crumb is a bit.

...half a bit is just crazy.

...a nibble corresponds to one hex digits.

...42 converted to hex is 2A.

...there is also the octal number system, but I've never seen anyone use it.

...if you use it in front of me, I'll punch you.

...having typed this much, I'd be surprised if one homophone error doesn't slip by me.

...and I don't care.

...Jesus loves you.

...I can't vouch for anyone else's feelings.

Rating: 2.3/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (32)
E-Mail
Posted by Frank J. at 08:31 AM | Email This

Dude, I like accidentally left my computer on at home downloading e-mail, so I can't check any e-mail until after work. Thus don't e-mail me.

Then again, I hardly read e-mails when I get them. I'm almost to a thousand unread e-mails. Unless it's like really important and involves me getting lots of money, just put your thoughts in the comments.

Anyway, don't bother e-mailing me.

Rating: 2.9/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (16)
March 02, 2005
ignis fatuous
Posted by Cadet Happy at 11:53 PM | Email This

sorry.jpg

Rating: 2.4/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (7) | ignis fatuous
Gratuitous T-Shirt Babe Pic o' the Day
Posted by sarahk at 11:00 PM | Email This

this one was from my first photo shoot as the IMAO T-Shirt Babe, but i didn't send it to Frank because it was blurry. now i can use the "sharpen" feature in the photo editor. yay me.

Read More...


Rating: 3.0/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (13)
Adventures in Journalist Targeting
Posted by Harvey at 10:40 PM | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Frank J. - giddy with success from his brilliant idea of converting IMAO to a group blog - recently convened a meeting of the IMAO editorial board deep in the heart of the super-secret IMAO Cave. There he outlined his cleverest plan ever for placing the might of the blogosphere in the service of Truth and Justice. He also tried to get us to join Amway, but that's not important right now. In the extended entry, I've placed the official minutes of that meeting, plus some supporting documentation that was discovered in Sandy Berger's socks...

Read More...


Rating: 3.8/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (15) | Precision Guided Humor Assignments
RWD's News Roundup -Wednesday
Posted by RightWingDuck at 09:06 PM | Email This

Hello Everyone,

I'm RightWingDuck, here to share the news.

The Supreme Court is hearing arguments regarding the display of the Ten Commandments.

The court is reviewing the commandments? If all goes well, the court might just go ahead and approve 4 of them.

Of course, the separation of church and state is something they take very seriously. If you want to display the commandments, you'll have to follow the constitution, and display them in a jar of urine.

Lots of celebrity trials going on right now.

It’s always said to see a talented black pop star might be going to prison. Not Michael – I’m talking about Lil’ Kim.

Read More...


Rating: 2.0/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (18) | News Round-Up
Terrible Teen Terror
Posted by Aquaman at 02:17 PM | Email This

Hello, Aquafans.

The Supreme Court ruled that those under eighteen can't be executed, and, as expected, teenagers are running amok everywhere with the knowledge they are safe from the ultimate penalty.

Can anyone stop them? This sounds like a job for...

Read More...


Rating: 2.0/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (14) | Aqua-Adventures
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 12:39 PM | Email This

How did the dinosaurs die out?

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Rating: 1.7/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (15) | Fun Trivia
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 12:38 PM | Email This

How did the dinosaurs die out?

Read More...


Rating: 2.7/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (2) | Fun Trivia
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 12:14 PM | Email This

How did the dinosaurs die out?

Read More...


Rating: 2.2/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Fun Trivia
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 12:12 PM | Email This

How did the dinosaurs die out?

Read More...


Rating: 2.0/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Fun Trivia
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 12:09 PM | Email This

How did the dinosaurs die out?

Read More...


Rating: 2.2/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (9) | Fun Trivia
Frank Predictions - Democracy in the Middle East
Posted by Frank J. at 09:27 AM | Email This

So now Syria is placing its head under the guillotine (Iran has a sigh of relief; North Korea squeaks, "We have nukes! Pay attention to us!"). I did a KTE on them a while back (it was the second one I did), but I don't think a fruit basket will save them this time. They have the Lebanese angry at them, and we know they had part of a bombing in Tel Aviv.

Now, I dunno how this is gonna play out… but let's pretend I do. The Syrian dictatorship will continue to weaken, but no violence by the U.S. will be needed to topple it as eventually the public will decimate the leadership, starting by kicking Bashar al-Asad in the nards (there's some significance to that if you check the Koran). They will then have elections, which will be watched over by Jimmy Carter. He will be shot by the Syrians, which the U.S. will condemn as "unnecessary" but "understandable."

Now, the mad mullahs of Iran will now be like, "Holy @#$%! We're totally @#$%!" They'll try to smuggle out some nuclear weapons, but the youth in Iran will revolt and totally lay the beat-down on the mullahs. It'll be like pro-wrestling, but with more blood. The youth will then hold a rock concert to welcome in the new area of democracy which will be funded by selling the nukes on eBay. They will be purchased by Rupert Murdoch ("FOX News - Fair and Balanced and Now a Nuclear Power").

Now all the dictators left in the Middle East will be freaking out and allowing real elections as they escape to France for indefinite vacations. Osama bin Laden and little Zarqawi will be like "@#$% @#$%!" and shave their beards to disguise themselves as they flee to the Palestinians for protection. There, they will be mistaken for American protestors and run over with bulldozers by the Israelis. The Israelis will also by now have raided the Palestinians arms supplies and taken possession of all their rocks, leaving them completely defenseless. The Palestinians will flee to France and declare that was always really their ancient homeland.

All of Middle East will be prosperous democracies by the end of Bush's second term ("But remember Abu Ghraib!" his detractors will shout). The remaining Democrats will be hunted down and then confined to a preserve called "Massachusetts." The only remaining Islamo-fascists in the world will be in Old Europe and cause World War III - which will last all of eight minutes.

North Korea will squeak, "We really have nukes!" but we still won't be able to get ourselves to care.

Finally, a national day of happy dancing will be declared.

Well, that all the important events for the next few years. Now you can stop paying attention to the news and play videogames like I will be doing.

Later, ronin.

Rating: 2.9/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (17)
Frank J.'s Car Accident: Shocking Eye-Witness Testimony!
Posted by Harvey at 08:03 AM | Email This

Thanks to an anonymous source, I'm able to provide you with this (safe for work) eye-witness audio description of Frank J's car accident.

[hat tip to anonymous source Teresa of Technicalities]

Rating: 2.4/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (5)
ruling from the judicial throne
Posted by Cadet Happy at 02:17 AM | Email This

the seat is comfortable, but the 200 year old parchment really chaps your ass
punks.jpg

In case you hadn't heard, five people (who hide behind the label "Supreme Court majority") decided today that you and your fellow citizens are incapable of governing yourself in relation to the issue of whether juveniles between the ages of 16 and 18 should be executed for first degree murder. If you read their opinion (and I encourage you to do so--especially the dissents--because it underscores everything that is wrong with the judicial system these days) you will note that they describe in great detail how there is no national consensus regarding this issue (i.e. different states have treated the issue differently through the legislative process), then conclude that there is in fact a national consensus that the death penalty should not be enforced in such cases. Huh?

What is nearly as appalling as this total usurption of the democratic process, is that the juvenile they removed from death row committed one of the most calculated and cruel acts of murder you will ever have the misfortune to read about. If anyone of any age ever deserved the death penalty, certainly the killer in the case before the court did.

If Republican Senator's don't have the guts to exercise the nuclear option after this debacle, we mine as well give up hope that we will ever be freed from judicial tyranny.

Rating: 2.6/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (21) | ignis fatuous
March 01, 2005
Links of the Day
Posted by sarahk at 11:00 PM | Email This

apparently some really ... um... bright folks need your help to change Earth's orbit. i'm fine with the current orbit, but if that's your thing, maybe you can help. it'll be jumptastic. or not.

Michelle Malkin is asking the question, how many Americans read political blogs? there are a lot of numbers there, so you should take your CPA with you.

songstress7 wants to replace me as Frank J's dreamgirl with her cat. step back, songstress!

Rating: 2.0/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Gratuitous T-Shirt Babe Pic o' the Day
Posted by sarahk at 10:46 PM | Email This

after Frank's 2nd blogiversary (aka International Link to IMAO Day), and before i ever met him in person, i did a mini photo shoot at Sizzle's house (i think Sizzle's neighbor Steve took this pic) so i could kiss up to him and butter him up before asking him to go to the Grand Canyon with me. the result was the Rainbow Brite picture. here's a picture that didn't make the cut.

Read More...


Rating: 0.7/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (5)
RWD's News Roundup- Tuesday
Posted by RightWingDuck at 06:39 PM | Email This

Hello Everyone,

I'm RightWingDuck, here to share the news.

It looks like the United Nations is starting to get some coverage regarding some of the recent rape cases.

According to the report "A French U.N. logistics expert in the Congo shot pornographic videos in his home, in which he had converted his bedroom into a photo studio for videotaping his sexual abuse of young girls."

Remember, these guys are there to help...

"Hello, my little dear. Sit, please. Tell me - Would you enjoy An Evening in Paris?"
"Paris? Really with the Eiffel Tower and everything?"
"No, An Evening in Paris Hilton – the Video – it really helps me get into the mood."


Here’s my favorite part: “U.N. officials are worried that the scandal, which already has netted 150 allegations of sex crimes by U.N. staffers, will explode if the pornographic videos and photos, now on sale in Congo, becoming public.”

Okay. If the tapes are on sale – doesn’t that mean that they’re already public?

“I just purchased a copy of Gigli.”
“Okay, but wasn’t that released on DVD 2 years ago?”
“Yes, the clerk said I was the first one to ever buy a copy!”
“Oh no. So now it’s been made public!”

So basically this would only be a scandal if the tape becomes a best seller?

Remember, Abu Grahib wasn't really a scandal. It was just well marketed.

Read More...


Rating: 1.5/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (11)
Cats Need Gills
Posted by Aquaman at 02:10 PM | Email This

I once had a cat. I named him Pusseidon, fed him Fancy Feast, hugged and cuddled him, and took him everywhere I went.

He drowned, of course.

Rating: 0.7/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Cat Blogging - Sydney and Her Fortress
Posted by Frank J. at 12:40 PM | Email This

I was woken up to purring that sounds more and more like a pig snorting as little Sydney (a.k.a. "Stupid Monkey Purr-Purr") kept walking around my head demanding to be pet. I pet her, all the time thinking how much easier things would be if I just threw her into a bog.

Anyway, since all the other bloggers are doing it, here is some more cat blogging.

Read More...


Rating: 3.2/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (28)
Bin Laden's Blackberry Hacked!
Posted by spacemonkey at 11:37 AM | Email This

That's right, Bin Laden sent a message to Zarqawi to attack America and we intercepted it. But thats not all the intel we scored.

Here is an actual* IM Log recovered from Osama's Blackberry.

OBL: Wassup Mikey?
MM: I'm really bummed. Not even getting one nomination! I thought Hollywood hated Bush and America as much as we do, O. That [bleep]ing Jesus movie even got nominated for...something.
OBL: WT[B]! Really? Nominated for what?
MM: Ehh, I don't know. best miracle or something. I'm too upset right now to find out.
OBL: Make no sense, f911 had it all, Bush, a goat, monetary backing from Hezbollah. It was the total package.
MM: I don't wanna talk about it.
OBL: Hey pal, you ok?
MM: Got no appetite, weight's down to like 405.
OBL: Mikey, your fasting pains of rejection will be replaced with the glory of jihad! I just sent word to our buddy Zarky baby and trust me, those academy infidels AND Bush will soon roast like the pigs they are in a glorious hickory fired open pit of doom.
MM: Mmmm. thanks O, You know just what to say. BRB, suddenly got the urge for some BBQ.
MM: No offense.
OBL: Hey, none taken, I'll just save the cannibalism joke for later.
MM: LOL!
MM: O, you're incorrigible!
OBL: Heh, sorry, too easy, You were WIIIIIDE open for that one.
MM: O!
OBL: You backed right into it [beep] [beep] [beep]
MM: O! Be nice. you how sensitive I am about my figure. You were the one who told me dark colors were slimming.
OBL: Oh yeah.
OBL: Sorry.
MM: Sokay. TTYL.
OBL: Still going to get BBQ?
OBL: ?
OBL: Mike?
MM: No.
OBL: Why not?
MM has signed off.

'Moore' from OBL's Blackberry is sure to follow.

*completely and totally made up

Rating: 2.1/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (11) | IMAO Exclusives
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 11:07 AM | Email This

What was the final word in the intercepted message from Osama bin Laden to Musab al-Zarqawi?

Read More...


Rating: 2.8/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (4) | Fun Trivia
BTW
Posted by Frank J. at 10:22 AM | Email This

SarahK's latest picture of the day has become a caption contest since it just seems to begging for it. Get to it!

Rating: 2.6/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (5)
The Hate-Filled Lefty Meets Ted Rall
Posted by Frank J. at 09:33 AM | Email This

Poorly drawn comics beget poorly drawn comics.

For more Ted Rall fun, Laurence Simon has reopened his Ted Rall comic parody archives.

Rating: 2.0/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (15) | Frank the Artist
Totally True Tidbits About Nuclear Power
Posted by Harvey at 07:55 AM | Email This

It was recently announced that Russia will be selling nuclear fuel to the Iranians for use in the Bushehr nuclear power plant. This is making a lot of folks uneasy, since - given Iran's track record - many fear that this will lead to a sudden release of radioactive material after 444 days and a failed rescue attempt.

Personally, I consider these fears overblown, and I think they're merely the result of the general level of appalling ignorance regarding nuclear power in general. People simply fear what they don't understand. Fortunately for IMAO readers, I served for 4 years on board a nuclear powered aircraft carrier (USS Enterprise - CVN 65), which makes me eminently qualified to shed some much-needed light on the topic (in the extended entry) by pulling out of my magic ass the following:

TOTALLY TRUE TIDBITS ABOUT NUCLEAR POWER

Read More...


Rating: 2.3/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (17) | Totally True Tidbits
 

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