AQUAMAN!!!

I quickly headed for the Florida beaches. There, police were holding back swimmers as they watched the sharks circling in the water.

"Glad you're here, Aquaman," said one of the officers, "With the beaches closed, communities are losing money."

"It's my job to help!" I announced.

"So get in the water and get rid of the sharks."

"Is my name 'Aquamoron'?" I laughed, "You think I'm just going to jump into the water with a bunch of eating machines full of sharp teeth? I came here by plane and then a cab so as to avoid this water."

"But I thought..."

"I can talk to the sharks just fine while standing on a dock." I walked out on a dock and looked to the sharks. "Why are you sharks here?" I asked.

"Not to eat swimmers," said one.

"Why don't you come in the water," suggested another, "I think we can talk better face to face."

"You're not tricking me, sharks," I answered, "Now get going."

"What are they saying?" asked the police officer (he can't talk to fish).

"Don't interrupt me," I told him (talking to fish takes concentration).

"I think we really can discuss this better if we're all in the water," said a shark.

"You're not fooling me into getting in the water like you did last time!" I yelled.

"But we're big fans; we just want to meet you. Why, my son, a shark only a couple months old, swam all the way from Australia just to meet you."

"Really? From Australia?"

"Yeah, really."

"I guess I can come in the water," I said, "but no tricks."

It was a trap! The sharks circled me, ready to attack. Thus I remembered the secret shark fighting technique taught to me by the dolphins: beat them to death with my nose.

When I awoke in intensive care, I realized it probably would have been better to call dolphins to fight for me. Then again, they're always making fun of my costume.

Snooty bastards.

This is Aquaman, signing off.

In an interesting twist of fate a family discovered that their used Toyota Camry had two bricks of cocaine in the gas tank.

The bricks were worth over $40,0000.

The downside, to get to them, they had to empty out all of the gas – which was worth $50,000.

They were surprised, but it also explained why the original registration was wrapped tightly in a balloon.

Isn’t that weird?

When you think about it, I guess it makes sense. When you look at a vehicles fuel performance, it shouldn’t have an asterisk. But then again, it makes it fair for all the other vehicles.

Richard Gere is touring Japan promoting the release of his movie, “Shall We Dance?”

It was cute. In a press conference with Minister Koizumi, Koizumi reached around and started dancing with Gere.

It took a while for Gere to realize what the Minister wanted. So he played along great.

Gere said, “I’ll be the man.”
Koizumi responded with something that, loosely translated meant, “And I’ll be the Gerbil."

Jose Canseco will be joining the cast of the Surreal Life - a reality show that places former celebrities in a house together and films them for 12 weeks.

Jose has had troubles in the past with drugs, guns, and women. He is replacing the regular rock star slot.

Shooting starts in six weeks, just as soon as Jose can track down his old Toyota Camry.

He did it for more fame, a bit more money, and to make sure the Minute Men stopped following him.

Everyone is talking about Britney’s breasts. Rumor is that the change in their size and shape might indicate that she’s pregnant.

So, make sure you keep an eye on her boobs for future updates.

People haven’t been this focused on two boobs since Kerry / Edwards.

In the Michael Jackson trial, a flight attendant testified that Michael never acted inappropriately with any of the boys. She did however testify that Michael was a very private drinker and enjoyed his wine in a Coke can.

I don't get this. He likes to hide the fact that he drinks wine, but she thinks she'd fondle these boys in public?

Michael: "I'm a very private person. Please don't watch me while I drink. Thank you. Billy, come over here and sit on my lap."

Lisa Marie Presley was on the Oprah Winfrey show.

Oprah asked her questions about Michael Jackson and whether their relationship was real. Lisa was sweet about it. She commented that she loved him as much as he was capable.

Nice to see that Michael moved on, too. He wanted to have lots of children.

And he has. Some of them twice.

**

Thanks for visiting. If you have an interesting news bit, please email it to me at rightwingduckatyahoodotcom. BTW, now would be a good time to tell our emailers that I do read the HEADLINES!!! Thank you.

Remember, I can't hear you laugh. If anything made you laugh, post it in comments.

* The phrase "Iraq Parliament" in ANY Reuters headline.

* Hot Lebanese protest babes.

* Fahrenheit 9/11 DVD's start appearing in the "FREE TO GOOD HOME" section of the classifieds.

* Gitmo detention facility full of prisoners, Al Qaeda training camps full of corpses.

* Muqtada al-Sadr renounces terrorism - starts cat-blogging at LiveJournal.

* Al Jazeera refuses to hire Dan Rather because he's "too liberal". Hires Laurie Dhue's younger, hotter sister instead.

* It's all about the ratings, man.

* New Iraqi flag replaces the words "Allah Akhbar" with the Golden Arches.

* New Iraqi currency features the sexy Green M&M.

* However, she IS wearing a burkha, so it's not a complete victory.

* Statues of Saddam replaced by statues of Britney Spears.

* Iraqis no longer demand cash rewards for ratting out insurgents. These days, you can get the whereabouts of a Baath Party leader for half a box of Girl Scout Cookies.

* Mmmmm... thin mints...

* Terrorists now refer to Iraq as "Islam's greatest military victory since the Six Day War".

* Saddam action figures are now a collector's item.

* Well... a trash collector's item.

* Half of all doggie chew toys sold in America are now labeled "Made From 100% Recycled Terrorist Parts".

* The Marine Corp has changed their motto from "Semper Fidelis" to "Hey Allah! Who's Your Daddy?"

CAIR, the Council for American Islamic Relations, is asking Boeing not to advertise in National Review Magazine. Why? NR has ads for books which expose Islam as being less than a religion of peace.

CAIR "respectfully requested that Boeing "address the concerns of Muslims worldwide by withdrawing its advertising support from a magazine that actively promotes anti-Muslim hate."

Boeing officials are concerned. If Muslims are offended by their advertising choices, they might choose another brand of airplane for all future hijackings.

Maryland lawmakers have introduced a bill that would allow students to use sunscreen without having it dispensed by a nurse.

Condoms are still available for free.

Abortions still don't require a note from parents.

Sunscreen though. Over the counter, non pharmaceuticals are a completely different issue.

Labor unions are asking Congress to pressure ABC News to drop Walmart as a sponsor.

That's good. Because if there's on thing networks like doing, it's letting go of vital advertising dollars.

The UFCW represents 1.4 million workers at the nation's major supermarket, food processing and meatpacking companies. UFCW members also work in the health care, garment, chemical, distillery and retail industries.

Some 13,000 people have signed the petition, the UFCW said.

So. 13,000 signature from a membership of 1.4 million workers. If they keep this rate up, in a couple of weeks, their signature total might go as high as 1% of their total membership!!

In all fairness, it is an online petition. They'll get more signatures when they go out there and meet their members face to face.

You know a good place to find them? Wal-Mart. Man, those guys have great prices.

A woman in San Diego is suing three cereal companies over their claim of having cereals that are lower in sugar. She claims that the cereals have no health benefits over the regular cereals.

So? Are they indeed lower in sugar?

If so - what the hell is the problem?

My cereal has a label. It has no apples. It has no Jacks! I'm happy.

Personally, I don't expect anything to be healthy when its mascot is a blueberry flavored ghost!

If she wants to make money off the cereal companies she should try to find a special prize inside - like a severed finger or something.

Burger King has come out with a new sandwich.

It is extremely heavy on calories and fat.
If you want a great deal, you should get the Super Big Combo. It's great. It comes with the sandwich plus the fries, a milkshake, and a defibrillator .

Michael Schiavo and the Schindler family have both agreed that there will be an autopsy performed on Terri Schiavo. This marks the first time in a long time they have agreed on anything.

Well, the only difference now is in the proposed timing. The Schindler's want the autopsy to happen AFTER Terry dies.

Sad. It will mark the first time that Terri is treated by a medical professional.

An autopsy is a great way to prove the extent of brain damage. Now, there are some radicals who believe that evaluations are best done when people are ALIVE, but they're just biased.

A North Dakota politician wants to see baseball put Roger Maris' home run record back on the books.

The idea of course is that the new records shouldn't count - steroids and all.

It's not fair when drugs lead people to bury your previous accomplishments.

Imagine how the Founding Fathers feel.

This is what politicians spend their time on?

There's legal trouble for a Playboy Playmate who stole $600 worth of power tools

She claims that she's innocent. She doesn't even like power tools. Her other turnoffs include: hammers, screwdrivers, and rude people.

They have her dead to rights - how many other people break into a place naked?

See, that's a habit they need to drop at some point in their lives.

If you read the article, you'll see that they looked in through her trailer window and saw the tools lying there. That's how they busted her.

Trailer window?

You know, I always wondered with those exotic modelling jobs.

I guess they really do get to keep the trailer.

You know what's weird about being a playmate? All the best pictures of you have you naked.

Hi, welcome. It's nice to have you come over and play with my son. Are you in the fourth grade too? Wonderful. Say, would you like to see pictures of me when I was younger?

Some male models who posed as wife beaters are now suing NYC.
It turns out that they posed for public awareness posters, but the posters have been out so long, that people think the models are real life wifebeaters.

Sounds funny. But true. So I guess these guys were really good models.

The problem turns out to be that the posters stayed out longer than they should have.

The city is considering removing the posters, which are put up throughout the city. But they might not do anything at all. Who cares what a bunch of wifebeaters want.

**

Enjoy your day.

President Bush is ruining my sex life.

Yeah, this is usually far from anything I'd discuss on this blog, but, with the permission of SarahK, I thought this was worth talking about.

See, SarahK and I are waiting for marriage ("Waiting for what at marriage?" the slow ask). Call us crazy, call us Jesus-freaks, but we're trying to be moral. You see, Jesus seems like a really good guy. He even died for our sins - he didn't have to do that. Least we could do is listen to him even if that means battling with the hormones - who are pretty good fighters, I'll tell you what. No one is whipping me or nailing me to a cross, though; hell, I ain't getting nailed at all. I'll live; just have to wait until we are officially married and everything is good and holy.

So, the question is: When's the wedding date?

Well, there's the rub, so to speak. There's no way I can get married without my brother, Joe foo' the Marine, being the best man. Problem is, he just got sent to Iraq, and, as for his return, things are... well... fluid. He could return this year, but that's if things go well. That's if Bush's policies in Iraq are a success. If things go to hell, then my brother is going to have to stay longer and the wedding will have to wait.

And I'll have to wait.

Thus we get to the point: Bush's handling of Iraq directly affects how long I have to wait until I get some.

Any of you liberals have this problem? No I don't think so.

Well, my brother's been there about a week or so and called his wife since telling her that things are going great and morale is really high. So, things are looking good so far. But, if I turn on the T.V. and see some new big terrorist attack, that means 'ole Frankie-boy has to wait, and the hormones just don't understand the bigger picture.

Sure, my brother being deployed longer has to be hard on him too with him being away from his wife, but at least he gets to kill people. Where do I get to direct my energy? My bongos to my Donkey Konga game?

I've been called a "chicken hawk" before, but, now that I have real stakes in the fight in Iraq do I want to cut and run? It sure would benefit me personally, but I still think we should keep the fight up until the situation in Iraq is stable - even if that means I have to... uh... persevere.

So, Bush, who is a born again Christian and should understand this, please don't screw things up or I won't get... well, that's vulgar. Anyway, I want everyone to pray for the safety of my brother and for the end of the terrorist attacks and the suffering they cause - both to the Iraqis and to me.

A man has invented a sorely needed device. He has a filter for your TV that will block out Fox news.

This is much better, although not cheaper, than the old device – a remote control.

Experts predict this should sell big with liberals who strongly believe in all points of view.

This should also not be confused with the filter used by conservatives to block out left wing bias – the OFF switch.

Kofi Annan is depressed over his son's involvement in the UN’s Oil-for-food scandals.

Actually, it's only a scandal when it draws media attention. I think we can almost call this a domestic dispute.

Anyway, Kojo denies the allegations but is very concerned about his dad’s mental health. In fact, to cheer him up, Kojo bought Kofi a present – FIJI!!

Maybe Kofi just needs to party a bit. Hmm.

How about a visit to the UN troops in the Congo! The party never stops, baby.

Come on everybody and do the Congo –
You know you can't control yourself any longo-
Feel the rhythm of the music getting strongo

In an interview with Jesse Jackson, Michael Jackson suspects that there is a conspiracy that is out to get him.

He compares his situation to the cruel treatment received by Mohammed Ali.

Because when you think of bad ass, Black boxer…you think of Michael Jackson.

Hmm. Come to think of it, they both seem to have a skill for putting people on their backs.

The interview is quite intriguing and will be available in next month’s issue of BILF Magazine.

BTW, the judge has ruled that the old child molestation cases against MJ can be brought up in this trial. I don't think this is a bad sign. Unless your lawyer asks if you can dangle him from the fire escape.

Paul Wolfowitz is saying that he wouldn't use his position at the World Bank to preach Democracy.

Instead, he'd spend his time pitching something everyone on the planet truly needs - Free Checking.

Hat Tip to reader Jon, who had this next story to me almost as soon as it happened. Wow, IMAO readers are fast, I’m just too slow.

In Detroit, there’s a bank robber that is called the Michael Moore bandit.

They call him that because he’s very much like Michael. He’s fat, he’s bearded, and all the security tape is edited to blame President Bush.

That and the getaway car is driven by Sean Penn.

That’s silly, why would Michael Moore rob banks? He can focus on much easier targets – like gullible liberals.

Especially when they have their Fox filters on.

And finally, now it is possible to bother every single space creature in the galaxy.

Craig’s List is being beamed into outer space.

This shows you that there is now a new strategy. If the aliens won't respond to all those friendly ‘come visit’ invitations – maybe can trick them here with Spam.

**

Do you have an interesting news item? Send it along to rightwingduckatyahoodotcom with the words roundup in the subject line.

That's all for today.

Remember, I can't hear you laugh, so if any joke made you laugh, post it in comments.

For those of you who have wondered why I haven't posted at RightWingDuck - patience. I finally worked through some computer issues.

Try to find a classy joint to hold the reception in. A good rule of thumb is shoot for an average of less than three dead flies per windowsill.

Remember this, Mr. Groom: you just spent 3 years salary on her engagement ring and wedding band. Make sure she's completely finished using those before buying her any more jewelry.

Pay the money for a good professional photographer, and skip the video tape. Why? Because if you get the video tape, eventually you'll put it in the wrong box and you'll end up showing Aunt Martha the "special honeymoon video" by mistake, and her heart attack will be forever on your conscience.

Again. Married man. Street cred, yo.

Uncle Joe never has forgiven me for that little incident.

However, he DOES borrow the video now & again.

The purpose of bridesmaid's dresses is to be ugly enough to ensure that the bride is the prettiest woman at the ceremony. If you're marrying anyone else besides SarahK, make the dresses out of old tablecloths, just to be sure.

The groom should NOT see the bride in her wedding dress before the ceremony, because that's bad luck, as is getting caught boinking the Maid of Honor in the broom closet.

Save money on catering expenses by holding your reception at a homeless shelter. YAY! Free soup!

And fewer fleas than at Frank J's place.

Don't waste money on a band or DJ. All you need in order to dance is a beat. A dripping faucet works just fine.

At the reception, the guests will start tapping rapidly on their glassware to get the happy couple to kiss each other. Do NOT try to dance to this.

Some people suggest throwing bread crumbs at the newly married couple instead of rice, because when birds eat rice, they experience intestinal distress. Of course, that's NOTHING compared to what happens when you feed them Alka-Seltzer, which is cheaper and MUCH more amusing, so use that instead.

Don't waste the money mailing out wedding invitations to everyone when Gmail invites are plentiful and free.

The bride should pay special attention to her hairstyle and make-up on her wedding day. Yes, it's a HUGE bother, but there's plenty of time to be ugly AFTER he says "I do".

Before the wedding, the bride-to-be's girlfriends will come to her home for a bridal shower, give her presents, and gossip all night. The groom-to-be should spend that evening in a bar, drinking heavily and bitterly regretting ever asking that woman to marry him, i.e. practice being married.

Of course, if you'd rather stay married the first time, take ArmyWifeToddlerMom's advice instead:

"...just give each other a soft place to fall."

Scott had some great suggestions, in the previous post.

However, a good wedding isn't a good wedding unless it has beautiful arrangements, a best man, a maid of honor, and an official armorer.

So, let's outline the important details and how RWD would plan this wonderful day. And then you guys can chime in on the comment section.

Invitations.
Ceremony.
Reception.
Honeymoon.

Invitations

They met on the internet, why not invite people through your blogs. To help with expenses, have a two t-shirt minimum in order to get an invite.
(IDEA - J&K - the T-shirt)

Ceremony.

Of course, all of the guests would be seated on the right side of the chapel. I'm sure you have some left leaning friends. The ushers could screen them out based on the Birkenstock to Smell Ratio.

Also, you would have to check your weapon in at the door. If you did not have a weapon, one could be provided to you for a nominal fee.

The Ceremony would be performed by a preacher that should help Frank look tall, dark or rugged.

Recommendations: Michael Jackson, Clay Aiken, or an Oompa Loompa.

Vows: This is the simple part. Every right wing wedding should not only have the couple reciting their vows, but also their favorite constitutional amendment. (What's the one where you can drink again?)

Leaving the Chapel:

Sure you could throw rice. But that is sooo cliche.
Recommendation: 21 gun salute. This has great potential. Of course, we'd have to give any liberal guest a running start. But otherwise, no downsides that I can see to this.

None whatsover.

Reception

Hall. We'd have to find someplace that doesn't get a lot of traffic. Like the lobby of Air America Or Ted Kennedy's AA Meeting Room.

Whatever we choose, it should have lots of space and free parking.

Buffet or Sit Down?

I recommend you do both. After your third trip to the buffet table, you usually don't have the energy to get up anymore. That's why table service is so vital!

Menu.
I suggest you have some good ol' fashioned American Cuisine - like Tacos, Tamales, and Nachos.

Wedding Cake.
Not so tricky. In some states, it's hard to find Heterosexual Cake Toppers (Boston, I'm looking at you). After some searching, it shouldn't be too difficult to find a pair of heterosexual, white cake topping bride and groom. Hmm. Better use mail order from Kansas.

DJ or Live Music.

I don't know abut this one. Either way, you just know that SarahK is going to find a way to work in a karaoke number. There might be a disagreement as to just how many songs she can perform. i think with a DJ there would be fewer injuries.

Honeymoon.

Choosing an exotic destination is always so tricky. Orlando's DisneyWorld or Orlando's Universal Studios? So many choices. So much time.

Well.

It's time to throw in your recommendations. We'll narrow down the finalists over the course of time.

* When fleas drink blood, they inject a toxin which causes an itchy bump since they're bastards.

* Fleas love making animals miserable. When they do, they laugh like, "Eee hee hee hee!" but so high-pitched that only pets can hear it.

* At least according to that talking dog I met while drinking.

* In the insect family, the flea is most closely related to the trial lawyer.

* While the amount of blood a flea takes per bite is minute, if a flea were the size of a horse, you'd be like, "Holy crap!"

* A flea travels by hopping - same as a bunny. Neither have anything to do with Jesus's resurrection.

* A flea can spread disease through its bites if the flea is an intravenous drug user.

* Fleas like to attack dogs and cats because their fur gives the fleas plenty of places to hide. So, don't give anything to your pets that would keep fleas off them or the fleas will have no choice but to attack you.

* If your cat makes little monkey squeaks, it's kinda cute for her to have fleas.

* Once your pets have fleas, you have to clean your entire house, spray it down, and then vacuum to rid it of the infestation. Frankly, that sounds like too much work. Maybe I can negotiate some sort of detente between me and the fleas.

* It used to be a common sight to see little flea circuses, but they were eventually made illegal because of how often fleas would turn on their masters... much worse than lion tamer.

* If someone is trying to tame lions that have fleas, you might as well start writing his obituary now.

* If surrounded by fleas, destroy them all with a flamethrower. If you don't normally carry a flamethrower, then you deserve what you get, dumbass.

* A flea can be killed by starvation, but you have to prove to courts that's what it would have wanted.

* Q. What does a flea yell out when it see that poisons are about to be sprayed in the area?
A. "Retreat!" If he yelled, "Flee!" it would be too confusing.

* In a fight between fleas and Aquaman, Aquaman could defeat the fleas by jumping into water. If only he could actually defeat criminals by doing that.

* Come to think of it, I could have gotten the fleas off the cats by holding them under water long enough. A lot cheaper than those pills the vet gave me.

* I really like the Red Hot Chili Pepper's song "Love Rollercoaster." I forget how that's related.

* The only thing left to know about fleas is that they prefer the trance variety of techno music. I'm not sure how to use that against them, but there you go.

My Kel-Tec P-3AT, made locally in Cocoa, Florida - a gun good for all special occasions. A round of .380 pre-fragmented MagSafe ammo (also made in Florida) was in the chamber with four more in the magazine followed by two rounds of FMJ.

Germans invented the form of music known as "opera". It soon spread to Italy and Japan, which led to the formation of the "Axis of Warble".

Attempts to spread opera to other nations led directly to WWII

The practice of cooking ground-up meat and serving it on a bun began in the German city of Cheeseburg.

The German city of Hamburg is populated entirely by lactose-intolerant former Cheeseburgians

Despite what you might infer from its name, the Dutch oven was actually a German invention, as were the Gypsy and Jew ovens.

Like Iraq, Germany was home to numerous military geniuses who were eventually killed by Americans.

Hitler was the first dictator in modern history to prove that a bad moustache is no match for American military might.

Hussein was the latest.

Looking YOUR direction, President Asad...

Germany is known the world over for its fine cuisine, in much the same way that France is known for its battlefield prowess.

The colors of the German flag are black, red, and yellow. It was originally just red and black, but the yellow stripe was added to commemorate their frequent wars with France when "the River Rhine would run yellow with the blood of French soldiers".

Because of the location of the Swiss Alps along Germany's southern border, it's impossible for tornados to form in Germany. The only weather hazards faced by the nation are flooding and occasional drifts of radioactive ash from Russian nuclear power plants.

Like Americans, Germans are allowed to vote in their national elections at age 18. Also like Americans, 18-year-old Germans spend election day at home with their PlayStations.

Postage stamps in Germany celebrate national heroes such as Werner von Braun, who invented the liquid-fueled rocket and lederhosen.

People of German heritage frequently celebrate family get-togethers with such German traditions as bland potato salad, warm beer, and hairy-backed women.

Unlike America, Germany has no legal drinking age, because German parents think it's cute when their toddlers drink beer and stumble around.

Take Spiderman, for instance. I once found him with a jar of radioactive spiders. He'd take a spider out of the jar, relax in a chair, and then have the spider bite him. I'd tried talking to him about it, but he shot web over my mouth which took a full hour to clean off.

Batman's situation is even weirder. I guess from having exposure to the Joker's laughing gas over the years has made him addicted to it. He'll take deep breaths of this toxic gas that leaves people dead with a grin from ear to ear, and he won't even crack a smile. Anyway, I know Batman isn't going to be obeying the Congressional subpoena; damn vigilante.

And I'm not even sure what's up with Superman. When he's not fighting crime, he's sunbathing. Actually, sometimes he's doing it instead of fighting crime. Once, I yelled to him, "A plane is falling out of the sky!" You'd think he'd leap into action, but not when he's in the middle of sun bath. He didn't even move a muscle and just asked, "How big a plane?" Hmm... I wonder if the sun has something to do with his powers? I once talked with a reporter, Clark Kent, about it, but he said there was no story there. Business mogul Lex Luthor was quite interested though.

Oh, and while I'm talking about superheroes' problems, I should mention that Wonder Woman is a lush and a whore.

Well, maybe I should talk about all this and more to Congress. A lot of superheroes are pretty screwed up, and we only succeed because the villains are even worse. I'm sure if I talk, though, some fingers will be pointed at me, and they'll probably bring up that one time I strangled a sturgeon to death after having a little too much cocaine at a party, but you should have heard what he said to me! ...And you can't, because only I can talk to fish.

Anyway, enough about that for now; there's justice to be done in the seas!

This is Aquaman, signing off.

Frank's "Let Africa Starve" post gave me the perfect idea. All I need is $1 from each member of the Alliance of Tree Frogs (or whatever you guys are called) for start-up capital, and we can sell a celebrity recording to raise money to starve Africans. I figure if I cut the Alliance in on the skim, you bastards will stop telling filthy lies about me.

I think we could get bushels of cash just by reworking that old "We Are the World" song a bit. Here's what I've got so far:

WE STARVE THE WORLD
U.S.A. Hates Africa

There comes a time when we heed a certain call
When the world must starve together as one
Not enough people dying
Oh, and it's time to lend a hand to death
Starvation's the greatest gift of all

We can't go on pretending day by day
That someone, somehow will soon pull their tubes
We're all a part of God's great big family
And the truth - you know they don't really want to eat

( CHORUS )
We starve the world, we snuff out children
We are the ones who take their food away
so let's start killing
There's a choice we're making
We're ending all their lives
It's true we'll make a better day
Come kill with me

Well, send'em all to hell
So they know that no one cares
Withhold food 'til they're finally dead and free
As the courts have shown us
By killing them stone dead
It's not murder, it's just lending a helping hand

( REPEAT CHORUS )

They're all down and out
There seems no hope at all
But through our friend starvation
There's no way we can fall
Well, well, well, let's realize
That one change can only come
When we yank their feeding tubes as one

( REPEAT CHORUS AND FADE )

And after all the Africans are dead, their puppies will be mine for the blending! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!

Meanwhile, let's have no more of this "Instapundo Delenda Est" business, eh partners?

Bow Down Before Me,
Glenn Reynolds

Starvation! Hooray!

DO research the style of the time period and subject you are going to forge. If you're forging the founding father, then you need those wacky s's that look like f's. Also, if forging a memo from the pope, hold back on the profanity.
DON'T use colloquialism such as "fashizzle" in a forged memo proving that FDR was against private accounts.

DO pay close attention to details of actual memos so as better to forge your own. This might include adding melted cheese stains to your memo if it's supposed to have been written by Michael Moore.
DON'T just "do your own thing, dawg" and hack out your forged memo on napkin using crayon to make a lost letter from Ronald Reagan stating that abortion is "crazy cool!"

DO spell-check your document if you're going to write it using MS Word (the software choice for forgers).
DON'T add clip art to illustrate your point if it's supposed to be a document from the twenties.

DO try to put yourself in the mindset of who you're forging the document of. For instance, if forging a document during WWI, you wouldn't refer to the war as "WWI".
DON'T let anarchism slip into your forgery. Before using whiteout, make sure they had that back in the days of Abraham Lincoln. Also, don't have Lincoln quote from Dude, Where's My Car? as that will bring the memo instantly into question.

Forging is a fun activity, but it also takes time. Remember, it should take longer to forge a document than it took an actual one to be written; that's something whoever hacked on the Rathergate documents on MS Word didn't realize.

Now go make some news!

Rumor has it that the anonymous tip came from a competitor poet - or so they think. It's not many snitches that can recite a Haiku.

PETA is hatching another plan. They are working on getting together a running of the nudes, similar to the running of the bull in Pamplona Spain.

Man, I don't even when to be there when one of the runners get's 'horned.'

Again, and again.

Last year, PETA had nude runners wearing horns and sandals running through the streets. It was a first for Spain, and PETA. The runners fectched $2 a pound at market.

Donald trump would like to see Michael Jackson become a regular Las Vegas performer at at the New Frontier Hotel and Casino.

Responded Mike. That's not a bad idea, but can I peform at Circus-Circus?

Actually, he doesn't know it, but he would be on a reality show similar to American Idol. The other competitors would be Boy George, Charro, and 3 Elvis impersonators.

Peforming in Vegas? This would actually be a welcom break for Michael whose performing in front of groups of 12. (With 3 alternates)

The MJ prosecutors suffered a setback when one of their key witnesses turned up in Vegas- arrested!

This is too weird. The accused is running around free and the witnesses are in jail!!

A Chicago first grader got into trouble for handing out crack cocaine, thinking it was candy.

Actually, he was better off that way. Do you know the punishment for bringing CANDY to school. Man, the obesity crackdown is getting insane.

Administators knew something was wrong when he was asing $10 for a nickel bag. J

ust kidding. It was only $4.

You know, here in California, Arnold is proposing that candy machines be replaced by fresh fruit and other healthy snacks.

Candy is for losers kids. It won't help you succeed at all.

If you want success- try Arnold's Old Fashioned Secret -Steroids!

As advertised in the latest congressional hearings.

A few nights ago, protestors marched outside a Beverly Hills hotel, where Arnold was holding a $100,000 a plate fundraiser dinner.

You know what I'd LOVE to see. I'd love to see a Republican come out of that dinner with a small doggie bag and toss it to the protesters. 'Hey, here's 5,000 dollars for you. Eat up."

You know, Arnold doesn't have that many fans here in California. He's proposed a lot of budget changes and cutbacks.

They miss his kinder, gentler days - like when he was the Terminator.

Man, how could they NOT love a guy out there trying to kill a white woman!

Scott Peterson is starting to build a fan club.

Okay, what am I missing. You get convicted of killing your wife.

Does a woman stand there and say, "Yes, but he does have all his hair."

Does she look at him and say, 'No wife. He's available!"

Does she say, "Hmmm. Sure, he has anger issues, but he could change."

I guess they'd be fine, as long as they avoided going fishing together.

I don't know

Do they really think that one man could marry so many of his fans. Maybe they're on drugs. Maybe their doing LDS.

**

Thanks. That's all.

if you have an interesting newsbit, please email me at rightwingduckatyahoodotcom. Most of today's links were sent to me by readers (who asked not to be mentioned - but they're real - not imaginary- i assure you). If Imention your article, I'll credit you or link you of you have a blog.

I can't hear you laugh. So please tell me which jokes got a chuckle out of you.

Game 4 - Fischer tries to intimidate Spassky by performing a series of ninja flips prior to every move. Spassky retaliates by fake-snatching at Fischer's face, then poking his thumb between his first two fingers, and taunting "Got your nose!". Fischer screams, "Give it back! Give it back!" - then cries, wets himself, and eventually loses the match.

Game 7 - Fischer is still behind in the contest, having only 1 win to Spassky's 2. Panic sets in, causing him to attempt a desperate gamble - replacing Spassky's vodka with water. Battling both sobriety and delirium tremens, Spassky agrees to forfeit the game if Fischer will just "for the love of GOD, man! Get these bugs off my arms!".

Game 15 - After 2 drawn games that dragged on for 6 hours each, the players are desperate to avoid a threepeat. However, after another 6 hours of play, Spassky mistakenly moves his king into the corner square, triggering a stalemate and a third consecutive draw. Saddened but calm, Fischer meticulously jams all 32 chess pieces down Spassky's throat. The tournament is delayed until after a box of Ex-Lax can be procured and deployed.

Game 22 - Fischer now leads, 8 wins to 4, and Spassky is sweating hard. Despite masterful combination attacks and a brilliant queen sacrifice, he finds himself cornered and facing mate in 3. However, in a flash of inspiration, Spassky spits the last of his vodka in Fischer's face and sets it on fire, thus procuring a draw from the now-eyebrowless Fischer.

Game 29 - Fischer 9, Spassky 5, and it seems that each move only delays the inevitable as Fischer slowly crushes the life out of Spassky. However, at move 43 - only 2 moves from checkmate - Fischer glances at his watch, remembers that "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" is on TV, and settles for a draw. Fisher & Spassky gallop from the room on invisible horses - shouting "Ni!", and giggling like schoolgirls all the way.

Game 30 - Now tired of toying with his quarry, on move 27 Fischer advances a pawn to the 8th rank, allowing him to promote it to a more powerful piece. Instead of the expected Queen, Fischer stuns Spassky by choosing a mere bishop. In the moment of Spassky's distraction, Fischer employs the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique to garner his 10th win and conclude the contest in decisive fashion.

A librarian is suing Harvard because of a "pretty bias." The assistant librarian has applied to become the head librarian, but to no avail.

She might have a case. Just last week, the Harvard president said that "Girls are pretty and boys are not."

She went to court and filed a lawsuit. They knew she was a true librarian when she insisted on filing using the Dewey Decimal System.

Michael Jackson was seen crying in court. He showed up with a man wearing hospital scrubs.

The Doctor told the Judge that Michael is strong enough to participate in the trial and can concentrate.

That's what make celebrities special – they always find that something extra and are able to show up for their court hearings.

The Doctors name is DR. Weiner.

Maybe this is all a big understanding.

"Your Honor - i said to Billy -Have a hard time bending over? Would you like to meet Dr. Weener."
"hmmmm. Okay, you're free to go."
"Hurray. Come on kids. let's go to my place. You guys can touch my monkey."
"BAILIFF!!..."

Did you hear that MJ may have a lien put on his property by a friend who works as a porn producer? It's a pretty big loan. We're not sure if the orginal loan was made in cash or porn magazines.

People are saying this trial has been very lurid and graphic. So far, they've covered all of the porn mags the police found when they raided Neverland.

They found stacks of the stuff everywhere: By the tub, on the sinks, on top of the TV sets. One thing they don't seem to have at Neverland – Bookshelves.

Joss Stone is replacing Sarah Jessica Parker as the spokesperson for the GAP.

How do they choose spokespeople? Do they really shop at the GAP?

I'd like to see more realistic Commercials.

"Hi, when I was poor and down on my luck, I shopped at the GAP. You should too."

or

"My maid says the GAP has the trendiest clothes. Trend-o Clothe-os! Muy Bueno!"

or

"The Gap, it's not just for old washed up has-beens."

Joss replaces the Sex and the City Star.
Gap is hoping she will be sexier – and city-er!

UN is backing a new program called Decade for Water

It is hoping to raise awareness of the value of water as a resource. The UN will spread out and educate as many as they can.

UN Soldiers in the Congo will participate by reading literature, attending lectures, and sponsoring a wet T-shirt contest.

Winner gets to keep her t-shirt on.

And food.

Did you hear abut this?

NASA will soon be testing a new water cleaner

They'll be setting it up in locations around the world in order to test it for use in outer space.

It recycles astronauts' sweat, respiration and even urine into drinking water purer than any found in a tap.

These testers will be placed in areas where clean drinking water isn't always available. I can see it– six months later, at an earthquake ravaged site.

"Dammit, this water tastes like piss!"
"Oops. Looks like the filter needs replacing. Try it now."
(Takes a long drink) "Aaah. Damn I taste good"

They could bottle it up for sale and distribution.

Commercial. A father and son sitting on a hilltop watching the sun set.

"This is good water."
"Yes, my favorite brand – I Can't Believe it's Urine!"

Bobby Fischer will be able to become a citizen of Iceland.

Ohh. So that's where Icees come from!!

Bobby is wanted for arrest in the USA because he violated an embargo by playing a chess match in Yugoslavia.

You know, for being a chess player, you think he would have thought it through.

Bobby: Hmm. If I play in Yugoslavia, I'll be a wanted man. But that's not until next week.
(one week later)
Government agent: Mr. Fischer, we'd like to talk to you.
Bobby: Uh-oh. I think it's time for the Japan defense.

In Brazil, a bunch of people saw a fireball fall from the sky. When they arrived at the scene, they would what was a badly injured alien.
Turns out it was only a rubber doll that had been set on fire and melted.

Which in retrospect, explained the alien's tattoo - Made In China.

Say, let's not jump the gun. The Chinese seem to make everything else – why couldn't it be possible there's some sort of alien factory somewhere – besides Mexico.

YOu want to hear about some big changes? France is going back to 39 hour work week

It turns out that the 35 hour week did not create jobs. Can you imagine that?

Worker: "Boss, I can't work those four extra hours. It is against our compassionate productive laws."
Manager: "Merde.I cannot improvise for 20 minutes a day. I must go out and hire someone else!!!"

Why can't people use their time productively?

Take for example this Blake juror. While serving - he actually produced six song while serving on the jury. He's now in the process of promoting it.

The rules state that he can make no more than $50 within 90 days of the trial ends. So that's good. He can sell $25 now and $25 later.

The songs are available for free at his website. Interesting stuff.

If you play it backwards, you can hear Blake begging people to kill his wife.

Turns out that the trial was excellent inspiration.

Song titles include:

You call THAT evidence,

My wife is dead and I can't find my gun

And my personal favorite...

Juror number # 3, I like you 2.

* They don't like being so close to Communist China, because those commies... you know... don't shower that often.

* PEW! STINKY!

* Li'l Kim's new do lacks poof.

* Tried to nuke the moon, ended up nuking themselves, then had to pretend that they meant to do that.

* What are YOU staring at? Haven't you ever seen a successful nuclear test before?

* Embarrassed about being the only country that hasn't defeated the French in battle.

* The Vatican hasn't, either, but the Pope's been sick, so at least they have a good excuse.

* Due to international sanctions, not getting their fair share of porn-spam.

* Only one radio station in the whole country, and all it plays is that stupid Numa Numa song.

* Still can't believe William Hung didn't win American Idol.

* Sick of always being picked last whenever an Axis of Evil is choosing team members.

* Their national frisbee landed in the DMZ and they can't retrieve it because of the land mines.

* On the bright side, dogs keep chasing after it and end up being blown back as stew meat.

* Mmmmm... Dinty Moore Doggy...

* Like the Chinese, Koreans have a stupid language that won't fit on a keyboard that's smaller than a movie theater screen.

* Yet another barrier to sweet, sweet porn-spam.

* Like the city of Chicago, North Korea has cold, crappy weather and can't field a winning professional football team.

* Only one ISP in the whole country, and it sucks so bad that North Koreans actually look forward to receiving the new AOL CD in the mail.

* Their national food is rotting cabbage.

* Wouldn't be so bad if there were actually some cabbage somewhere in the country.

* STARVING! EAT GRASS NOW!

Hugs (though she doesn't like them).

Are you a 6-foot-tall invisible white rabbit?
Only when I'm talking to Jimmy Stewart. As a pooka, I'm able to manifest myself in many forms, although most people see me as a 5'10", middle-aged white guy with dark hair and a beard.

Did Ronald Reagan steal his ideas for destroying communism from you?
That's classified. However, President Reagan WAS my Commander-in-Chief during part of the time I spent in the Navy (1985-1991). I'll just let you connect the dots from there.

Were you the guy who caught Chekov stealing photons from the Enterprise's reactor, as seen in the documentary "Star Trek IV"?
I was attached to the USS Enterprise from 1987 to 1991, and I did work in the #4 Main Machinery Room. However, I can't say whether that was actually Chekov, since all them filthy Russian bastards look alike to me.

I think you're hot. Can I bear your children?
That sounds like a splendid idea, but you should probably clear that with the woman to whom I've been happily married since 4-9-99. Since I don't have any children with her (or anyone else), she might say yes... or she might snap you like a twig... She's kind of unpredictable that way.

You're really sick & twisted. I'll bet you blend puppies for fun, don't you?
You're thinking of Glenn Reynolds. Even though I *do* own two dogs, four cats, and a blender, I rarely combine them.

Do you live at the North Pole with toy-making elves and magical flying reindeer?
You're thinking of Dan Rather. I live in Wisconsin with cheeseheads & bubblers.

Wisconsin, eh? You guys have the gayest state quarter ever.
True. However, we don't allow our commemorative currency to marry, so technically we're not as bad as Massachusetts.

You suck. Nothing you write ever makes me laugh. I'm ten times funnier than you. How come YOU'RE a member of IMAO and I'm not?
Because I've got street cred... I was First Loser in Frank J.'s Super Lucky Happy Fun Permalink Contest Number One and First Winner in Super Lucky Happy Fun Permalink Contest Number One II, where I actually beat Frank J., himself.

I've also served as assignment coordinator for the Alliance of Free Blogs (another project started by Frank J.) since October of 2003, which means I'm capable of flogging a running gag light years beyond even the point of self-parody. Sometimes OCD isn't always a BAD thing.

That, and I once gave Frank a cigar.

1. Top 10 List Of People Who'd Rather Read A Top 10 List About Top 10 Lists Than Eat Freshly Baked Pie. Mmmmmm Pie.

Ted Kennedy.

American Idol’s Paula Abdul may be charged in a hit and run.

So she might go up before a judge. Or in her case, 3 judges.

“I find you guilty Miss Abdul. Personally, I was rooting for you, but you didn’t quite give me what I was looking for.”

As you know, the Forbes list of the Worlds Wealthiest men came out not too long ago. And guess who moved up several spots? The darling of the Left - Fidel Castro.

Now, It has been said that Castro is upset at being on the list. He says he doesn’t belong on that list.

He’s sad. He’s moping.

In fact, it’s been days since he's left the palace.

Forbes said that the list is ‘more art than science’.

Which is exactly what you want to hear from a BUSINESS magazine.

Wouldn’t that have been a great defense for the WorldCom CEO?

“Mr. Ebbers, you are convicted of overstating profits for WorldCom.
What do you have to say for yourself?”

“Well, accounting is more an art than it is a science.”

I’m waiting for the day when congressional budget figures all end with “ish".

Bernie Ebbers, may face up to 85 years in a Federal Prison. Now, some say that it’s not fair for him to be sent to serve time with thugs, rapists, and murderers. I agree. I mean the thugs, rapists, and murderers all have some scruples.

Scott Peterson has been moved to San Quentin prison, where he now sits on Death Row.

He gets a lot of fan mail. In fact, he’s also received two wedding proposals.

And why shouldn’t he? He's young, he's good looking, and he has a real killer place in San Francisco, right by the water.

Maybe if he finds the right girl, he can invite her over for a final meal.

Adidas is coming out with a computerized smart running shoe.

It’s very functional. And if you crash it all you have to do is just reboot. Or in this case -“re-shoe.”

You know what I would want? I shoe that has GPS and talked to you.

"3 miles. You’re doing great."
Huff. Huff. "Thanks, shoe."
"Are you sure you want to keep going?"
Huff. Huff. Yes, I’m fine.
"We’re almost at the Dallas City limit…"
Huff. "I’m fine."
"Aren’t we cocky? Running in Dallas AND wearing a North Face jacket."
Huf. "I’m okay."
"Well, don’t look now, but there’s somebody chasing your butt right now."
Huff. "You’re right. What’s he screaming anyway?"
"He wants to know if you’re an extra large."

That might not be a bad idea to take up running. Have you seen the price of gasoline lately?

Drudge reports that the Bush Administration is studying a nightmare scenario of $4 a gallon.

Do you know where you find gasoline at $4 a gallon? Europe!!

My gosh, that WOULD be a nightmare!!

In Texas, a lawmaker is proposing an end to “Sexy cheerleading” saying the suggestive grinding has no place on the field.

Under the bleachers – yes, on the field – no.

I don’t know. What is cheerleading if not one long, sexual performance, done in your school colors? It's soft porn with pom poms.

Pretty young ladies, jumping up and down…
in short skirts.. ..
uh. what was I talking about?

Some cheerleading coaches are saying that the proposed change wouldn’t affect them. You see, in competition, sexy grinding moves can make you lose points.

Sounds funny to say, but Cheerleading is more of a science than an art.

And finally...

The Japanese have invented a gum that can enhance a woman’s breast size.

God bless the Japanese. Here we are in America wasting all our time making it sugar free!

This is actually a productive thing. Normally, all you get from chewing is a big ass!

Finally, a product to provide some balance.

This will change petty gossip as we know it!

She’s so pretty. Do you think her size is natural, or do you think she chews?

**

Thanks.

Remember, I can't hear you laugh. Remember to post your favorite joke in comments.

* Environmentalist groups describe the area as "pristine", but a better decription would be "19 million acres of ice lightly sprinkled with moose poop".

* The area is called a "refuge" because it's mainly inhabited by pro-Coke polar bears who escaped there to avoid the ethnic cleansing of the Cola Wars in the 1980's.

* Environmentalists claim that drilling in ANWR would disrupt the habitat of the native caribou. However, the plan approved by the Senate specifically allows for moving the caribou onto small reservations and allowing them to open casinos.

* The biggest drawback to drilling in ANWR is that the oil rigs would leave less room for club-swinging when killing baby seals.

* The oil reserves in ANWR are estimated to be some nine billion barrels, which is more than twice that found in an order of McDonald's french fries.

* Oil was first discovered in ANWR by a man named Jed. A poor Eskimo - barely kept his family fed. And then one day he was shootin' at some food...

* ...Black gold. Arctic tea.

* Some people are concerned that local herds of caribou will be decimated. Which is nonsense, since a caribou can only be killed by driving a wooden stake through its heart.

* Being so close to the North Pole, ANWR receives only 15 minutes of daylight per year, which explains why all the caribou haven't yet crumbled to dust.

* There isn't a single paved road anywhere in ANWR. Which is actually a GOOD thing, since it keeps the sightseeing hippies in their badly-in-need-of-a-tune-up Volvos from destroying the pristine wilderness.

* Besides, Buffy the Caribou Killer drives an SUV, so she doesn't need roads.

* Most of ANWR is so remote that it is only accessible by airplane, leading to the obvious conclusion that we should soften it up with airstrikes before stealing the oil.

* Bird lovers are concerned that the proliferation of oil derricks would wind up killing Snow Geese, who might accidentally fly into them. However, this would only kill the weak and stupid, which is in accordance with God's will.

* The strong and healthy would be slaughtered for sport.

* Which is NOT God's will in the strictest sense of the word, but there's a coupon for free Snow Geese in the Bible somewhere, I'm QUITE sure of that.

Stronghold of Slavery
Craphole of Communism
Mudhole of Misery
Colony of Catastrophe
Pennisula of Persecution
Ithsmus of Imperialism
Rampart of Repression
Citadel of Cruelty
Encampment of Evil
Dominion of Dictatorship
Armpit of Asshats
Abscess of Autocracy
Stockade of Suppression
Toilet of Totalitarianism
Bastion of Bastards
Motherland of Malignancy
Slum of Subjugation
Chamberpot of Calamity
Gallery of Goombahs
Hamlet of Horror
Domain of Despotism
Outhouse of Oppression
Castle of Coercion
Ballpark of Brutality
Incubator of Injustice
Townhouse of Torment
Fortress of FUBAR

...and yet I didn't.

So, to the dictator formerly known as Poofy-head. I apologize.

Up Yours,
Condi Rice

His black helmet is to conceal the fact he has the head of a monkey.

Mr. Secretary, thank you for the opportunity to address everyone through this forum.

One of the members of the Alliance of Free Blogs has taken issue with my little blog's search engine rankings for certain phrases. I was greatly shocked and disturbed that Sortapundit took issue with my success regarding these search terms.

Gizoogle
Paris
Hilton's cell phone number
The
Niggas at DFNCTSC
Strip
clubs in Ohio with midget strippers
Girls
big tit
Free
big tit sites
Jamie Lynn Spears naked

The efforts he described as "the utter destruction of basil" will fail. He has requested assistance in his plan to surpass my little blog in the rankings. However, to date he stands with a single ally: a French skunk. I have been fortunate to have phin’s blog, Bobo Blogger, and GOP and the City publicly support the American side against the Franco-Anglican Axis. Others have offered words of encouragement.

Sortapundit, being a native of a great nation in the United Kingdom,
has many positive attributes, including being a member of the American
Flag League. However, his last response to my offer to end this dispute was
disappointing:

You can take you hogeys, your foot longs, your grinders and subs. You can take your McDonalds, Burger King, Kentucky Fried Chicken and Wendys. You can take Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera and Jennifer Lopez, roll them up and smoke them, by Jiminy Joseph.

His using the ghost of Sir Winston Churchill in a speech was stirring, but fruitless in results. This morning, the Ghost of General George S. Patton stirred our forces to battle.

It is my hope that this war will be short-lived and that, at its conclusion, we can go forward together as allies. We look forward to that day. For now, it must be war.

basil

I should probably say something, but, this being a Friday I have off, I'm too lazy to write. Luckily, basil was kind enough to hand me this to say:

There are American soldiers putting their lives on the line across the word in defense of this great country of ours and in pursuit of freedom for the oppressed. There are people devoting their lives to feeding the hungry, healing the sick, and helping the homeless. There are families struggling to stay together as both parents hold down jobs and work overtime to make a better life all the while risking its loss.

With all the important things happening in the world, two little piss-ant blogs want to have a war.

basil’s blog spends most of his time reporting how well he does on Google searches, while Sortapundit begs for money to fill up his car with gas.

Let them have their silly little war. Let, at most, one of them come out of it alive. And, whoever wins, be sure to let me know. You can let me know by filling out a report on the form located at: http://www.dailykos.com/contact

Frank J.

I agree with all that I was told to say, especially where to contact me. Be honorable, ronin.

In South Florida, Spring Break took a sad turn when students discovered that there were hundreds of sharks in the water.

Turned out it was just the guys from the local law school.

Authorities knew they were lawyers when they were heard saying, “Yeah, I could have gotten Jaws off with probation.”

TV weatherman, Fritz Coleman took the stand today in the Michael Jackson trial.

I’m not sure he was a good witness. He kept ending his statements with “but there’s only a 40% chance of that.”

He was a bit shy for a witness. Once they put him in front of a blue screen – he was right at home.

Jacko’s housekeeper said she saw boys walking around intoxicated.

Wow. So Neverland is crawling with drunk boys and lawyers.
So basically it's just like spring break – but without the girls.

Michael seems to have two policies at Neverland: Open door and open bar.

MJ is starting off each day with a prayer with Jesse Jackson. Not a bad thing to do before each day of court. Hurray for Jesse. See, Jesse does like white people.

As a sign of unity, Jesse and Michael will be performing a special song – Ebony and Ivory.

What else is going on around the world?

Oh, NBA Star Shaquille O’Neal will be featured on a Wheeties box

For any athlete, this is like a dream come true.

The box will come out in July everywhere nationwide – except for Los Angeles where people seem to prefer Kobe flakes.

Kobe flakes. It isn't a product. It's a complete sentence.

Wheeties will feature a very special Shaq box – It’ll be extra tall with a soft flabby middle.

In actuality, Shaq didn't earn it through his on the court play. He got it for eating his one millionth box.

Mario Vasquez, the American Idol contestant who dropped out, is still in the news.

He has hired Clay Aiken’s lawyer. That was actually a pretty smart move.

In a not-so-smart move, he also hired Clay’s personal trainer.

Turns out that Mario sang a few songs on another album, and that was not in keeping with the American Idol rules.

Ironic- the album is titled “Really bad karaoke.”

Rumor has it that John Kerry and John Edwards are in the middle of a post election catfight.

It’s gotten so bad – they’re sleeping in separate beds.

Ha ha. Just kidding.

They’ve slept in separate beds ever since the election ended.

In all seriousness, I hope Mr. Edwards and wife are coping well as she battles breast cancer.

Hmm. Maybe that’s why Kerry’s so upset – he’s JEALOUS.

JFK: One heartbeat away from Teresa’s checkbook.

We might be starting to drill for oil in Alaska. This is good, it's ridiculous to think that we can’t drill for oil in our own country.

It’s about time. It was so bad – President Bush thought he might have to declare war on Alaska.

The Russians are going to experiment with a Solar sail on one of their spacecraft

The sail would help with steering but also help generate energy.

They need to think it through. Sailing isn’t as easy as it looks. They would have to train astronauts to duck when the boom comes around. Man it would be so embarrassing to get knocked out of the spaceship.

"Okay commander, All is good -- ah crap. Let’s bring her around. We lost Ivan again."

**

That's all. Make sure you read all the other great posts at IMAO.

Also, the only way I can know which jokes you enjoyed is if you TELL me. Please post in comments.

Mr. Irish.

Mr. O'Irish.

* Ireland was founded in 6,000 B.C. when one Francis O’Brien woke up with an hangover and exclaimed, "Where the fook am I?"

* The ancient history of Ireland involved lots of drinking, fighting, and getting pushed around by Vikings. Guess who's still around now, though? That's right; bunch of pissers those Vikings were.

* If encountering a drunken Irishman, be careful not to make any sudden arm movements. This may cause the Irishman to either hug or punch you or a combination of the two.

* St. Patrick is revered by all the Irish for chasing the snakes out of Ireland, but most scholars say he didn't really exist, the Vatican says he isn't a Saint, and historian think the snakes were only imagined by the extremely drunken.

* Can you imagine getting drunk off of green beer on "Mr. Patrick's Day"? Sounds stupid.

* The main drink of the Irish is Guinness. It was made when a grain silo burnt down but they made beer from it anyway so as not to have to drink British beer (the Brits are a bunch of wankers!). The Irish have been burning down silos and slurping down black sludge ever since.

* Some men don't like the strong taste of Guinness. They're called homosexuals.

* Many Irish immigrated to America during the Potato Famine. They didn't find too many potatoes in America, but they found plenty of skulls that needed a knocking.

* The Irish, unlike the Komodo dragon, are warm blooded.

* When the Irish got tired of the fooking British, they started blowing up those wankers until they got independence. During their drunken celebration afterwards, they finally noticed that the north part was still held by the Limeys. We're they less drunk at the time, they might have done something about it.

* Fooking Protestants.

* My own grandfather, Frank J. Sr., helped blow up British in the main fight for independence. He got in one fight too many and ended up having to head for America, floating past Ellis Island in a whiskey barrel.

* The Irish actually invented the car bomb, but the industrious Italians brought it to an art form.

* Violence in Northern Ireland continues to this day. Irish terrorists have never quite matched the violence of Muslim terrorists, though, as booze and bombs don't mix.

* In a fight between the Irish and Aquaman, the Irish would buy Aquaman a few rounds well telling him all about his ancestry in Ireland - whether he actually had any or not. After having enough drinks, the Irish when then pummel Aquaman until he was unconscious and then throw him in a bog.

* Irish as a prefix means "contains alcohol" such as Irish coffee, Irish cream, and Irishman.

* In Ireland, the bartender is most sacred job to hold - more revered than a priest. After that, the most prestigious job is a professional soccer player... but only if they're winning.

* While no notable scientific achievements have ever happened in Ireland, most people would trade all those for a good pint of Guinness any day.

Episode III will consist primarily of scenes from the Star Wars Holiday Special - Happy Life Day, everyone!

It will be discovered that Annakin's father is actually a Tauntaun.

Whatever you do, DON'T form a mental image of the actual conception process.

THAT'S gonna sting for a while, ain't it?

Extended fight sequence between Count Dooku and the Star Wars Kid.

All CGI sequences courtesy of Matt Stone and Trey Parker.(CAUTION: link may not be monkey-free)

Special guest appearances by Pauly Shore and Carrot Top in an attempt to make Jar-Jar seem less irritating by comparison.

Costumes by Frederick's of Dumpsterwood.

The part of C3P0 will be played by Anthony Daniels wearing a cardboard box covered in Reynolds Wrap

Obi-Wan gets eaten by a giant shark.

Wait... There are no sharks on the desert planet of Tatooine! And Obi-Wan has to live because he's in Episode IV!

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I don't care! I'm the Great George Lucas! Worship me!

New characters will include CGI versions of Count Chocula, Frankenberry, and Captain Crunch.

Sugar Bear got scratched from the list, since Lucas already put Ewoks in Episode VI

Episode III will be shot using only the colors red and green, just to mess with the colorblind.

The entire Clone Army will become lost in the outermost reaches of the galaxy because they were too stubborn to stop and ask for directions.

That's what they get for cloning a man.

Thanks to the existence of... certain photos... Jar-Jar will be played by Frank J., and all the other characters will be wearing Nuke the Moon T-shirts.

Also, in honor of Frank J., Annakin's mentor's name will be spelled "Obi-Awn".

In a fight between Aquaman and Star Wars Episode III, Aquaman would be green-screened, completely replaced by a CGI character, and all his lines dubbed in with James Earl Jones's voice.

Britney Spears is in the news for giving Michael Jackson some advice.

She suggested he go out to a bar, get drunk and get into a fight.

We’ll remember that next time hubby gets arrested for drunk and disorderly.

She said that Michael just needs “a moustache and a beer.”

Which is better than what he had before. a beard and some Jesus Juice.

Hmm. Beard, what is Lisa Marie Presley up to these days anyway.

It was reported that the Olive Garden restaurant sent the Jackson jury pizza. It was sweet – some of the staff overheard a CNN reporter mentioned that the jury never ate lunch but just snacked 3 times a day.

I suspect they’re just trying to get inside information. Look at the order form.

We’ll send you a pizza. Which do most of you prefer?
Pepperoni with Innocent crust
Thin crust with other I think he did it toppings.

When MJ was told about the Blake verdict he said, “Man, I wish I had been on that jury.”

No, he didn’t want to set him free. He just wanted the $24.75 he would make as a juror.

Yep, Michael might have some financial problems.

It's so bad, that Bobo the Monkey has started offering him food.

It's so bad that
Michael and Jesse Jackson are starting each day with prayer.

That just seems so weird.

That's like Ted Kennedy standing up each day to recite the 12 steps.

WorldCom CEO, Bernie Ebbers was found guilty and may face up to 85 years in prison.

He was feeling a bit down, but on the plus side, the prison phones have great rates on long distance.

Mr. Ebbers was found guilty on 9 separate counts. Actually, it was only 6 but the jurors thought it would be funny if they too did some over-reporting.

Ashley Smith, the single mother who helped capture Atlanta’s escaped killer, has already collected $10,000 of the reward money.

You know what I like? They keep referring to her as a single mother, like they’re trying to get her a date.

Ashley Smith, who likes long walks on the beach and Ned Flander types, recently collected some of her reward money.

In Iraq, people are feeling upbeat about their future. Most say that Iraq is moving in the right direction.

What’s interesting is that the results varied greatly depending on their political party. The Kurds came in at 71% Moving in the Right direction, it was 66 % for the Shiites, and 33% for the Arab Sunnis.

Oh, and 12% for American Democrats.

You know the new dangerous place to live? Philadelphia!!

This last week, 21 people have died in Philly violence

It’s so bad, citizens are joining up to go to Iraq – not to fight – they just feel it’s so much safer.

Thankfully, the Lakers came to town to play the 76ers and showed the world what it means to not put up a fight.

Of any kind.

At all.

Inspired by this, Philadelphians are now thinking of moving to France.

Tee hee. The Lakers are really awful this year.

The Lakers are so awful this season – Scott Peterson felt sorry for them.

In other news, NASCAR has suspended three crew chiefs. These guys skirted some of the rules to give their racers extra advantages.

For example, they rigged the fuel gauge to make it appear the fuel tank was full.

Yes, this gives the car a weight advantage, but in their defense - have you seen price of gasoline?

Gasoline prices are so high that NASCAR is considering a new race – The Hybrid 500.

In order to increase national audience, the NFL is considering letting the 49ers and Cardinals play in Mexico.

As a 49er fan I was really excited by this -until I realized that they were coming back.

Mexican citizens were concerned that they were taking jobs from their own lowly pathetic football teams. We educated them – no – and they understand that these are the NFL jobs that nobody else would want.

So everyone wins!

I'm so excited about it - oops. where did I put my gun?

**

Do you have an interesting newsbit or blog article? Email me at rightwingduckatyahoodotcom.

I can't hear you laugh. So post your favorite joke in the comments.

47 years. And I'll add on to that later today.

I'm really going to rack that up if I continue this on into the New Testament...

* "Look! Little Green Footballs is eating his kneecaps!"

* Freeze him in carbonite and hang him on the sidebar at Powerline.

* CBS Evening News starts with a close-up of Dan Rather slumped over dead at his desk. The card next to him reads, "I, Donald Rumsfeld, strangled this man".

* CBS interviews Detective Ian Competent, who reports that police are baffled.

* Tell Dan he can keep his job if can answer the question, "What is the average air speed velocity of a forged TANG memo from an Abilene Kinko's?"

* The camera crew gets to line up and punch Dan Rather in the stomach instead of making covert obscene gestures as they've done for the last 24 years.

* Rather's final words are drowned out by chants of "What's the frequency, Kenneth?"

* William Tager appears - kicks Rather repeatedly.

* Thumbtack in the anchor chair

* What can I say? I have a weakness for the classics.

* Freddy Krueger emerges from the teleprompter and says, "I've got some new for YOU, Dan... IN HELL!" before biting off Rather's head.

* Remember that scene in Highlander where they tied Connor MacLeod's hands to a board and ran him through a brutally violent gauntlet of his fellow Clansmen as they chased him out of the village? I'm thinking something like that would be OK.

* Then have Ted Koppel chop off Rather's head with a sword while shouting, "There can be only ONE!"

* While we're at the movies, do you remember what they did to the cop in "Reservoir Dogs" while "Stuck in the Middle With You" played in the background?

* Ok, one more - Christopher Walken's big scene (NSFW .wav file) in "True Romance". Picture Dan Rather as the guy on the receiving end of the lecture.

*BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!*

YOU SHUT UP!

The rest of you, feel free to chime in.

Here a story of scented bowling balls and how sales are going up.

Popular scents include black cherry, chocolate, lemonade, plum, blueberry, grape, banana, cinnamon, orange, amaretto and cherry.

Who decided that the best way to increase product sales is through perfumed equipment?

Try the new Lexus SUV– available in Vanilla and Chocolate.

This is too weird. I guess it makes sense. The other day I bought new cologne called ‘Bowling Ball.”

This will add a new dimension to bowling conversations.

“Hey, I just bumped into Paris Hilton and she said my balls smell wonderful.”
“Cool. I didn’t know you had scented bowling balls.”
“What do you mean - Bowling?”

Failed Presidential candidate John Kerry suffered another humiliation.
In a survey of potential presidential candidates, he came in way, way behind Hillary Clinton.

Maybe he would have done better if the ballots had been scented.

Sad - he also came in behind Ted Kennedy, and two of the Queer Makeover Guys.

Did you hear about this?

Some of the Boston Red Sox are going to get made over by the Queer Eye for the Straight Guys.

Changes will include new clothing, new hairstyles, and lavender-scented bats.

This will lead to fan taunting such as “You suck Damon – but you’re hair is Fabulous.”

You can always tell you’re in Boston when you hear the vendors calling out, “Peanuts, Popcorn - Moisturizing Hair Gel!!”

The CEO of WorldCom, Bernie Ebbers, was found guilty of all charges.

He faces up to 85 years in prison. So he’d be out of prison at the age of 148. Of course, there is an up side to all of this. I mean – look at what prison time did for Martha.

Ebbers, helped his company grow by setting up a series of takeovers of smaller companies. He was known as the Telecom Cowboy. He won’t be doing any riding – unless he ends up sharing a cell with Michael Jackson.

There's a study showing that Obesity in Rural Areas is more common than in the cities.

Maybe the study is flawed.

Could we blame accuracy? Rural kids are the only ones who use weigh in using those big farm scales - city kids have to guess after 300 lbs.

Could we blame availability?
City kids have pantries, rural kids have grain silos.

Plus, you drink more milk when you get it straight from the cow.

(Kid gets up late at night and walks to the barn to get some milk.)

"Nobody likes me."
Moo.
"That’s right."
Moo.
"No, I never thought of that."
Moo.
"Bowling ball? That might smell nice. Tell me more."

(Stays up chatting and drinking milk all night)

The study shows there are many more obese kids in rural areas. Of course, in a rural area – they don’t use the word obese – they prefer the term Blue Ribbon kid.

In Germany, a small supermarket has now made it ossible to pay using your fingerprint.

Cool, huh?

They take your bank information and link it to the print on one of your fingers..

Of course, this will change what you typically hear at a checkout stand.

“I‘m sorry, ma’am. That account is empty. Would you like to use another finger?”

“What do you mean the finger’s no good? I know, I’ve been picking my ear all day long. Let me just clean this off.”
Or better yet.

“While Hans bags the groceries – why don’t you give me the finger?”

This could even change the names!!

I smashed my finger!
Which one? Index, Ring, or Visa?

There’s been some buzz on one of the American Idols , Mario Vasquez, withdrawing from the competition.

People are unsure as to why, but Mario is telling America that it's for personal reasons but that we'll see him again.

Sure.

Making it as a singer is easy. Just get somebody to fly you out to California, write original songs for you, help with song arrangement, hire a voice coach, and set up meetings with top industry executives.

No problem Mario. That’s easy to do.

BTW, if one day the people who helped you get this far flip you the finger – it doesn’t mean they’re offering you payment.

**

That's all for today.

Do you have an interesting newsbit? Email me at rightwingduckatyahoodotcom with the link and a link to your blog (If applicable).

As always, I can't hear you laugh. Please make a mention of the funny jokes in comments.

* If a corrupt, bloated bureaucracy can't solve it, then it's best left festering.

* Genocidal dictators, beware our harshly worded letters.

* Having discussed at length almost every major crisis in the past 60 years.

* If our baby-blue helmets don't scream seriousness, then are non-binding resolutions do.

* Chosen by 4 out of 5 oppressed peoples for peacekeeping over Sprite in a blind taste test.

* The U.N. - U.N.fair, U.N.balanced, U.N.medicated.

* Try our world famous cheesy fries.

* Defeating evil... as long as the cowardly French and the evil Chinese Commies don't use their veto power.

* Pointless squabbling brought to an art form.

* Check with our job opportunities center for great benefits and embezzlement opportunities.

* If troubles abound, we'll be nearby doing nothing.

* You can't spell "unethical" without U.N.

* Honest; those people were raped before we got here.

* If you don't like us, our 156-4 vote says it’s the fault of Israel.

* Ignoring the irony of cronies of pissant dictatorships voting in a democratic fashion for 60 years.

* If this is an emergency, please hang up and dial America.

* A hybrid should always be driven at 85 mph. That way if it looks like you're about to have an accident, you can simply increase your speed to 88 mph, travel back in time, and avoid the situation entirely.

* Although hybrids are packed with advanced technological features, they do NOT float on water. That would be a "hydrofoil".

* Keep that in mind if Ted Kennedy wants to borrow your new hybrid.

* Hybrids do, however, come with a sophisticated Global Positioning System array, so if Ted DOES get his hands on your car, you can call down a S.M.I.T.E.-strike on him.

* The mileage on most hybrids is far less than the estimated mpg listed on the sticker. Car companies avoid liability on this issue by including the legal disclaimer, "Just kidding!"

* Not all hybrids are cars. Generally, a "hybrid" is something of mixed origin that functions better than its separate component parts. For illustration, consider that "Sammy Sosa" = "Steroids" + "Sammy So-So".

* Technically, Vanilla Coke is also a hybrid, since it's of mixed origin, even though it doesn't say "Just kidding!" on the can.

* In a battle between Aquaman and a hybrid, Aquaman's tights would inflate rapidly, like an airbag.

* This does NOT mean that he's just happy to see you.

* The first attempt to create a hybrid car was when the Ford Motor Company attempted to mate Seabiscuit with a Model A. Unfortunately, Seabiscuit burned his willy on the exhaust pipe and the project was terminated.

* Toyota's first hybrid - the Prius - was the result of a successful mating between Seattle Slew and a Corolla. Turns out that the CORRECT hole was under the gas cap.

* Hybrid cars run on a special fuel that's a combination of gasoline, ethanol, and Scooby Snacks.

* Which is why they make a "Scooby-Dooby-Doo!" sound when you start them.

* Hybrids use Nickel-Metal-Hydride (NiMH) batteries, which are highly radioactive and will give you superpowers if you eat them.

* Or possibly kill you. Hard to say. Radioactivity is a fickle mistress.

* A NiMH battery can be charged an infinite number of times unless eaten or drowned by a Kennedy

* Again, don't let Ted borrow your car.

* If you have a hybrid, most states will allow you to use the carpool lanes on their freeways because NiMH batteries are considered sentient beings.

* Yeah, that was a Massachusetts Supreme Court decision. How'd ya guess?

* The batteries in hybrids are recharged by driving them around in thunderstorms and getting hit by lightning.

* If the outside temperature falls below 0 degrees F., your hybrid will shatter into a million pieces. However, like the T-1000, it can re-assemble itself after it warms up.

* The next advancement in automotive technology - hydrogen fuel-cell powered cars - will hit the market in 10 to 20 years. Or a week after you finally buy a hybrid for yourself, whichever comes first.

AQUAMAN DISGUISED AS AN ITALIAN!!!

Yes, I swam through the gulf into Iraq where I put on my best Italian disguise and obtained a truck to drive. I then headed to where the incident had occurred. Since there were varying reports saying that the truck was either going 25mph or 100mph, I kept alternating it between the two speeds. Instead of being shot at, though, a Humvee soon pulled up next to me and stopped me.

"What the hell are you doing?" a Marine asked.

"Ima Italinao journaisto justa driving downa the road," I answered, with my perfect imitation of an Italian, "Are you gonna shoota me?"

"What's with your shirt?" the Marine asked, "It looks like it was made from skinned goldfish."

"Maybe ita was," I answered, "So, you gonna shoota me and stoppa me from reporting?"

"Are you implying we shoot innocent people?" the Marine asked, looking angry. Other Marines soon backed him up. They now looked ready for violence.

"Uh, maybe we cana settle this bya seeing who cana hold his head in a bucket of water the longest."

When I regained consciousness, I was missing my only fake Italian mustache and was lying in a dumpster in some unknown Middle Eastern town. Well, I guess that proved Marines are violent towards Italian journalists. Score another one for the greatest superhero of all.

This is Aquaman, signing off.

Hmmm. Maybe those home run records should have an asterisk after all.

Barry Bonds. 670- Home runs*
*Obnoxious jerk, didn'tknow what 'cheating' meant - or 'courtesy'.

Jose Canseco - 400 homeruns *
* Split the big payday with ex-wife and lawyers

Jason Giambi, 500 homers*
*Moved to New York and completely deserved it.

Paul Newman says he'll be retiring after his next movie.

He did a lot of great movies early on - but lately - well, his last movie was very well received - what was it - Dealing with Chlamydia?

I'll look it up.

Personally, I hate it when people use the announcement of retirement to get even more publicity.

In other news, George Bush announced he'll be stepping down after he finishes out his current term.

Folgers announced that it will be raising the price of coffee.
They're making more changes. Their old tag line said, "Good to the last drop."

The new tag line will read, "Go ahead, lick the bottom - it's too expensive to waste."

Analysts link the price increase to various factors including supply, demand, and greed.

A small typo caused a bit of an international stir.

A web site showed that the US carried out a Nuclear test in Sudan. Turned out it was a misspelled word. The Sudanese were relieved to hear this.

Because you know, it's always good to know that you DIDN'T just happen to miss a nuclear explosion go off in your tiny little country.

Hmm.
Iraq. Iran.
Hmm. Ira-q. Ira-n.

Oh Crap!!

Toys R' Us is said to be leaving the toy business.

They may split off the toy division and just sell baby clothes.

Their new name will be R' Us.

Then they'll split off again and just be R'.

Where they will focus exclusively on clothing for baby pirates.

A restaurant owner in the Netherlands fought off a would be robber by hurling French Fries at the guy.
It's made headlines worldwide. It should. It's the first time something French repelled anything.

Funny, what happened is a 16 year old kid tried to rob a restaurant and the owner grabbed the basket out of the fryer and tossed them at the kid.

Cool. Now, when that happens, you really have to chase after the robber screaming, "Hey You want Ketchup with That?"

It's ironic. Normally, 16 year old boys are referred to as "Pizza face."

The Jackson trial is moving along.

You can tell Michael Jackson is taking this seriously. It's been ages since he's walked into the courhouse without a boy date. Or Liz Taylor.

His accuser has been cross examined and admitted that he has lied in the past. That was a shocker. I'm still waiting for the ultimate shocker - That MJ and Latoya are indeed the same person!!

There is some speculation that Michael might be broke.

There might be some truth to that. Instead of using his normal plastic surgeon he’s applied as a contestant for the next installment of The Swan.

Money’s so tight, he cancelled his subscription to Barely Legal.

He's been forced to start a new subscription - to Barely Solvent.

He's so broke, he's started inviting kids to visit Neverland – at 20% off!!

The good news: If you're interested, he's offering SUV dancing lessons. Cheap.

Michael was scolded by the judge for lewd behavior. Turned out he was just trying to get that last drop of coffee. Prices went up you know.

What is it with these performers from the 80's?

Boy George is throwing out the insults at Elton John.

George ssaid that Elton John has no sense of humor.

Some speculate that George is just trying to generate publicity for himself.
Personally, I find that silly.

BTW, George will be performing at the El Toro Motel’s Pacific Room. He’ll be opening for Mr. Zubzub and His Amazing Puppets. $10 Cover charge. Bring the family.

After 'bomb', next ingredient is...dirt.

* Hit the terrorist on the nose with a rolled up newspaper while saying "No! Bad!" in a stern voice.

* Stop. Drop. Roll.

* Surrender (France only)

* Duck and cover.

* Do a little dance. Make a little love. Get down tonight.

* Slip into "bullet time" to dodge the explosion.

* Call his mother - terrorists fear parental disapproval above all else.

* Switch your sword into your right hand while explaining to the terrorist that you are NOT left-handed.

* Pay the ransom (Italy only).

* Get a lap d...[notices dirty looks from IMAO readers]... Nevermind.

* Flee to the Neverland Ranch

* Hey, it's safe. Michael's in court today.

* Tune in. Turn on. Drop out.

* See Spot run. Run, Spot, run. Run, run, run!

* Maybe Spot knows something you don't.

* Scowl.

* Wish REALLY, REALLY hard that this wasn't happening.

* Set a spell. Take your shoes off. Ya'll come back, now, hear?

* Quick! Dial 9-1-... [KABOOM!]

* Try distracting the terrorist by throwing a tennis ball.

* Hey - works on my dog.

* Have Calgon take you away.

* Clear your throat while tapping your foot impatiently.

* Yell for help - Hey Culligan Man!

* Try understanding the root causes of the terrorist's anger.

* This should buy you enough time to make out your will.

* Fire up your computer, play solitaire, and await the end. Just like at work.

* If none of the above steps prove effective, have the US Marines come in and save your worthless ass while you denounce their unilateral interventionism.

MELINDA HAWKISH: Thanks, Shepard. Good evening. I'm Melinda Hawkish and I'm here live in Memphis as super-blogger Glenn Reynolds is about to go on trial for his very life on charges of murdering hobos during grotesque Black Mass ceremonies in...

STAGEHAND: *whisper-whisper-whisper*

MELINDA: I'm sorry. I've just been informed that that's NEXT week. My bad... TONIGHT I'll be bringing you live coverage of Professor Reynolds as he attempts to set a new world's record in "blogger punching". He... Wait... "blogger punching"? What the HELL is that? Is that a euphemism for something dirty? Because I'm NOT gonna flush my career down the toilet because of some retarded Janet Jackson stunt! You guys can just find another slab of mutton to throw to those wolves at the FCC, because...

STAGEHAND: *whisper-whisper-whisper*

MELINDA: Oh... THAT'S not so bad... All righty, then... As I was saying, Glenn Reynolds already holds several world's records, including shoving 54 puppies into a single blender, and Robot-Dancing for 168 consective hours. There's also something involving penguins, but - like I said - the FCC ain't gonna make me their bitch tonight, so we'll skip that one... And here's Reynolds now... Mr. Reynolds!... Mr. Reynolds!

GLENN: Hmmmm?

MELINDA: Mr. Reynolds, can you please tell our audience what you'll be doing tonight?

GLENN: Indeed, Melinda. Tonight I'll be attempting to set a new world's record for punching a blogger. Specifically, Frank J. of IMAO. I tried it once in May of 2003, and it was so delightful, I thought I'd indulge myself repeatedly. Heh.

MELINDA: I see. So... Why Frank J.? Isn't there a blogger who's famous - or at least talented - that you could smack around? What about Andrew Sullivan?

GLENN: Heh. Well, as much pleasure as it would give me to bitch-slap that little poofter, I'm afraid the Sullivan-punching record is COMPLETELY out of reach. Political bloggers on both the left AND right have been pummelling him so long that his friends are calling him Andrew Everlast. I think the record on him is something like 6.02x10²³ or so. Frank J.'s record, like his face, is much more breakable. Indeed.

MELENDA: I see... and what IS the record for punching Frank J.?

GLENN: The current record is 68, held by SarahK of Texas.

MELINDA: And when was that set?

GLENN: Shortly after Frank started playing virtual footsie with a certain irresistably sexy Asian blogger, who I'd prefer not to name.

MELINDA: You mean Michelle Malkin?

SARAHK: did you say michelle malkin? i hate michelle malkin! i'll strangle you dead! rarrrr!!!

MELINDA: *gak!* *grk!* HELP!

GLENN: Heh. Indeed. That's why I didn't want to mention her name.

MELINDA: Someone get this cow offa me!

SARAHK: i'm not a cow! i'm a snuggle-bunny! rarrrr!!!

MELINDA: HELP!

GLENN: Hmmmm... Hey! Sarah!... there's a TV over there with American Idol on it...

SARAHK: oo! american idol!...[glares at MELINDA]... i'll kill you later, pinkytoe chick... i'm coming, simon!!!

MELINDA: *cough* *sputter*... Thanks... now, back to the punching... How will you keep Frank J. from running away, screaming and crying like a little girl?

GLENN: Heh. Simple. Martinis... Everyone knows that boy can't hold his liquor for sh**.

MELINDA: PLEASE! Mr. Reynolds! We're on live TV! You can't SAY that word!...[glancing around nervously]... the FCC has spies EVERYWHERE!

GLENN: Indeed. But it's true what I said about Frank. I mean, look at the little monkey, prancing around over there...

FRANK: WHEEEEEE! Dude! I'm like totally drunk!

MELINDA: Wow! He IS acting like a total ass...

FRANK: I'm NOT a total ass! *hic* I'm the GRate FrnAk J.! Worshippp mE!!!

MELINDA: Geez, what a loser. Hurry up & start punching!

GLENN: With pleasure. Indeed.

MELINDA: All right, viewers, here we go. Glenn Reynolds is about to try to beat the old record of 68 Frank J. punches. In just one second, he'll begin his attempt to 69 Frank J., and...

[Sound of sirens as a dozen armored vans marked "FCC" pull up on the scene. Jack-booted thugs - wearing black leather jackets emblazoned with the FCC smiley-face logo and motto of "We're from the government, and we're here to help you" - pour out like circus clowns exiting a Volkswagen and start tasering people left and right.]

MELINDA: What the...?

JACK-BOOTED GOVERNMENT THUG: Agent Smith of the FCC, Ma'am. We're here to shut down this illegal broadcast in the name of THE CHILDREN^TM!

MELINDA: But it's not like we're flashing around a bunch of little brown pierced perkies! There's nothing here but healthy, natural, good, clean, brutal, bloody violence!

SMITH: Yes, but you said the one number that we, the knights who say "FCC", cannot hear.

MELINDA: What? 69?

ALL AGENTS: AIEEEEE!!! Not that number! NO! It burns! The pain!

MELINDA: Guys... relax... It's just a freakin' NUMBER! All I was saying was that, in order to break the Frank J. punching record, Glenn had to make 69...

ALL AGENTS: AIEEEEE!!! Stop saying that number! It's so EEEEEVIL! THE CHILDREN^TM! Won't somebody PLEASE think about THE CHILDREN^TM?

STAGEHAND: I warned you about messing with the FCC, Melinda. If I've told you once, I've told you 69 times...

ALL AGENTS: AIEEEEE!!!

MELINDA: Right... this is just getting silly... we now return you to Shepard Smith in our New York studio... Hey, Frank! Gimme one of those damn martinis!... What?... NO! I'll worship you later... and stop calling me Michelle Malkin...

SARAHK: michelle malkin? where? let me at her! rarrrr!!!

[screen goes suddenly to snow]

SHEPARD: Thanks, Melinda... Next up... the results of our viewer poll question, "Which of Michael Jackson's organs would you like see removed from his body with a rusty spoon?"

In Florida, there is talk about taxing toilet paper.

True. A law maker is proposing a 2 cent tax on each roll of toilet paper sold.

That would change the way people talk..

At a business meeting…

“Johnson, I’d like to get your two cents on this.”
“Thank you sir, but I already used the bathroom.”

I heard that Jane Fonda had a new hip movie coming out.

Sorry, I misread that. She’s getting a new hip and has a new movie coming out – two separate things.

That’s bad. She should take better care of herself. Has she tried exercise?

I hope her recovery goes nicely. Surgery is always bad news. And bad news is icky!

On the plus side, she’s made a movie with Jennifer Lopez and J-Lo movies always mean sure hit!!

Speaking of hits…

Two retired NY cops are accused of being Mafia hit men

If you think about it, it was fairly obvious. After every hit they’d say, “Have a nice day.”

They are each charged with 8 murders and two attempted murders. How did the two get away?

Easy…

(Police/Hitman walking up to victim's car)

"Do you know why I stalked you?"
"No."
"I’m here to kill you. I’m a hit man."
"No way. My brother is a hit man in Los Angeles."
"Okay. I’ll let you off with a warning."

Yep, being related to a hit man is always helpful.

A police officer is accused of Tasering a guy strapped to a hospital bed..

Don’t these guys know anything. Why didn’t they just wait until he was asleep and just put his hand in a bowl of water?

Am I missing something?

What - was he going to hold it forever?

"Never. You’ll never get me to urinate, man!"
"Would you like another glass of water?"
"No thanks. I’ve had 3 already. Never do you hear me!"

So now this cop is in trouble.

Maybe it's not all bad. At least the Mafia seems to have openings.

The Michael Jackson trial is still going strong.

Of course, after visiting the hospital for back pains, MJ went to the courthouse yesterday in his pajamas

He made a big mistake. Not only did he wear pajamas – they belonged to the victim!

PJ’s? Do you know what this means? Michael Jackson is a blogger!!

He’s much better today. He’s had his Jesus Juice, along with some Torah Toast with some Moses Marmalade. Yummy.

He’s ready to face the day.

Well, maybe not. News reports speculate that Jacko may be on suicide watch

Close friends were afraid they saw somebody dangling from the balcony – turned out it was just Michael watching over the kids.

Michael is running out of money. It appears that he’s broke.

He’s so broke he might start sharing rent with MacAulay Caulkin

He’s so broke he’s worried about the toilet paper tax.

He’s so broke he might have to start holding his own umbrella.

Of course, if he kept his hands on his own umbrella, he wouldn’t be in this mess to begin with.

In other news, the US may be transferring the Guantanamo Bay detainees.

They are tired of being held against their will with no chance of escape.
Starting next week the government will be moving them to Neverland.

Senator Hillary Clinton is saying that there is too much sex on TV

Personally, I’d like to see more sex on TV. Specifically, it would be nice to see some coverage of the UN Rape Scandals. Some of them. Any of them.

You know why she dislikes sex on TV? It keeps giving Bill more crazy ideas!

**

Enjoy your weekend.

Me.

"I talk to fish!"

"That's gay."

"No it's not!" I then noticed the apartment building was near the ocean. So I used my awesome powers to summon a whale who splashed water at the building with its mighty tail.

"That's barely doing anything!" one guy complained, "And I thought you said you can talk to fish. A whale isn't a fish."

"Well... I can talk to all creatures of the sea!"

"Can you speak Portuguese?"

"No."

"But if I threw a Portuguese man in the ocean, would you be able to talk to him?"

"Uh... I dunno. No more questions!" I commanded. I then kept watch of the burning building to make sure no one stole from it before the fire department arrived... and nearly no one did.

I really don't think people quite appreciate us superheroes. I guess that's why I'm now doing political blogging. Who better to answer problems in politics than the King of Atlantis?

The only problem is most of politics involves D.C. and the traffic on the Beltway is horrible (and there is no way I'm swimming up the Potomac).

Well, it will take some time shifting to this new paradigm, but I'll do it for you, Aquafans. What political issues do you want me to tackle for you? Please leave your answers in the commentorium.

This is Aquaman, signing off.

Through a pact with Satan.

PREPARING FOR THE BLOG CRACKDOWN

* First off, don't admit to writing or reading blogs. Instead, come up with a codeword for "blog" (the name "blog" sucks anyway). For example, we could call them "Larry."

"Where did you hear of that debunking of the 60 Minutes piece?"

"From... Larry."

The MSM will hunt down this man named Larry to no avail (they suck at investigating).

* Don't use your actual name. That will make it too easy for the anti-blog stormtroopers to track you down. Instead, use a cool pseudonym like "puppyblender" or the combination of your first name and middle initial.

* Develop some secret handshake to show that someone is "down with the blogs." If you open the door and the person doesn't know the handshake, don't let him in! Comment on the nearest police officer's blog that you need help.

* Make sure to be stocked up on guns and ammo - there's never a reason not to be. Having a loaded gun while blogging is what computer security professionals refer to as "physical security."

* If the NYTimes calls you to ask for an interview, it's a trick! They only want to kill you! Give them coordinates to meet you that are located in the middle of the ocean where hopefully they will go and drown.

* Have scapegoats. If you can trick the anti-blog forces into murdering Kos, that's less time you have to worry. Also, you may want to turn your blog into a group blog to give those going up against you multiple targets.

* Have a year's supply of food in your basement along with a T1 connection. You never know what the anti-blogging forces will do in their desperation – such as nuclear or biological weapons - so be prepared to hole up for a while.

* Make sure to have some rope. I'm not sure what for, but rope just seems useful. Oh, and have wet naps too.

* Never develop any attachments you can't drop in 30 seconds. The devious anti-blog forces may capture your family in an attempt to get you stop blogging, but, if you don't care about them, no problem.

* Booby-trap your yard. Also, put a sign outside your yard reading, "Yard Perfectly Safe" to trick the anti-blogging forces into your booby-traps.

* Heh heh. "Booby."

* The anti-blog forces may hire the Yakuza against us, so stay away from Japan.

* If you suspect that the authorities or the MSM are onto you as being a blogger, pack all your essentials into your car and set your house on fire. Also, you may want to kill your neighbors as an extra-precaution; you feel that one out yourself.

* Whatever you do, never stop blogging! We're all in this together... unless we disagree on significant issues.

It's slimming.

I wish I were a bunny, with a soft and fuzzy head.
I'd groin-kick all the terrorists, until they fell down dead.
I wish I were a bunny, with a cotton tail of fluff.
Blasting bad guys with my Glock, 'cuz I don't take no guff!

I'd tear their guts out with my paws, and wiggle my pink nose.
And pee upon their ankles as I chewed off all their toes.
I'd chop their heads off with an ax, and play and hop around.
And sing my happy little song, upon the blood-soaked ground.

I'd kill and maim and kill again, spread cute and cuddly death.
And giggle at insurgents, as they draw their final breath.
Oh, I'd love to be a bunny, with a fully-loaded gun.
I'd shoot at Eason Jordan - targ'ting journalists is fun!

Then I'd go to Hollywood and frisk around a bit.
And kick the ass of Michael Moore (that worthless, lying s***)
Upon his chubby, smelly head, I'd hop and hop and hop!
Until his skull is well-caved-in, and out his eyes did pop.

I'd love to join the Air Force, and drop a 'splodey bomb.
Be a stalwart Army officer, or Marine Corps grunt non-com.
And get to slaughter terrorists - oh, that would be divine!
But if I can't be one of those, a bunny would be fine.

Congress has subpoenaed 11 baseball players as it investigates the use of steroids in the Majors.

10 ballplayers and their lawyers have vowed to fight the subpoenas saying congress does not have the authority to do so.

Except for Jose Canseco who will be showing up at congress to promote his new book, “Me and steroids – and the people I shot with steroids” and his new book “Steroids for Dummies.”

Some are saying that the homerun records shouldn’t count the same as others –calling for an asterisk showing that the ball player was juiced.

What’s the big deal? They’ll get it eventually. Can’t you just see Canseco at the doctor’s office in 10 years…

Doctor: Look Mr. Canseco. It appears you have a small tumor.
Jose: Must be from the steroids doc.
Doctor: Yes, you can see it clearly on these X-rays.
Jose. Wow it looks just like an asterisk.

Italy mourns the loss of one of their intelligence agents at the hand of an American GI.

The lady communist journalist is the sole witness saying they were fired on because the United States didn’t like Italy negotiating with terrorists.

We have to be careful with this issue.

In Europe, a Communist has something special – something that no American will ever have – credibility.

But think about it. Would the Bush administration really kill somebody because we felt they were making it look bad?

I don’t know. Is Michael Moore still alive?

The fact that he is still waddlin' around, means we can tolerate a whole lot.

New York Senator Hillary Clinton touted the ethical standards of female leaders like herself on Monday, telling a forum at New York University that women in government are less corrupt than their male counterparts.

Is that because women on average tend to earn a bit less than men?

This is why she is promoting a new law – Equal pay for Equal Corruption!!

A new study shows that Hispanic teens are likely to have sex more often when they speak the English language.

No kidding?

How many times have you seen this?...

"Hey baby, would you like to go somewhere quiet and make out?"
"No hablo ingles!!"
"Voulez vous couchez avec moi, cest soir?"

See, guys. Yet another reason to learn Spanish.

This whole language issue is starting to come up more and more.

A 9th grader has refused to stand for the Pledge of Allegiance because his school is reciting it in other languages. This of course is part of national language week or something.

He says that saying the Pledge in Russian is like going to church wearing a crucifix upside down.

Or, let me add, saying the Lord’s Prayer in Spanish!! GASP!!

Sometimes a 9th grader should be told to sit down and shut up. Which he did. In fact, he went out into the hall while it was recited.

I’m sorry. I’m not jumping on this bandwagon. The Pledge is said first in English, then in the language of the day. What is El Problemo??

Hey, kid. Say the pledge in another language – chicks dig it!

George Soros never gets tired of wasting money or time.

While in Spain he said that more people want to kill Americans than ever before!

Good news – if Soros is saying it – it must be wrong. Hurray. We’re winning.

Soros is saying that Spain has the right response. Soros said Spain had "a very different response to terrorism - a healthier response".

If by ‘healthy response’ he means running in fear.

Here’s my favorite part of the news bit.

"Meanwhile, a NATO plane, 7,015 police and an anti-aircraft battery were deployed over and around Madrid to provide security for an international conference on terrorism."

It goes on…

"According to the Spanish interior ministry, the police presence included units specialized in nuclear, biological and chemical attacks."

If Spain had the right response, than why so much SECURITY?

If I was a terrorist and saw this lack of trust – I would get angry and attack or something!

Teresa Heinz believes the presidential election was hacked.

Does she really believe that?

We have counties that had more votes than voters.
We have counties where the dead voted.
We have voter rosters phonier than a Boy Scout attendance list.

And she thinks that the Republicans cheated?

I guess that makes sense. The woman believes Kerry married her for her personality.

Michael Jackson almost had his bail revoked. He was late for his trial because of back pains.

Poor Mike. First the flu – now these back pains. He should be put in a place with the best healthcare in the world –prison.

Jacko left the hospital and went straight to the court house. He showed up wearing pajama tops and bottoms – and slippers. You want to know what’s really crazy? He wasn’t in a rush – that’s what he had planned to wear!!

To further complicate matters, it turns out that the staff at Neverland has walked out!

They have not been paid in over 2 weeks.

The family has been brought in to help settle the problems. The workers rejected the first offer – payment in Neverland Bucks.

We'll see how things work out.

Maybe they should just lock the gates and run away from it all.

Yep, that's right. That would be a healthy response.

**

Thanks. That's all for today. Sorry for not posting yesterday. There are days when I'm away from a computer and have no chance to write.

Do you have an interesting news bit? Email me at rightwingduckatyahoodotcom and share.

As always, I can't hear you laugh, so post your favorite funny in comments.

* Visualize whirled pieces.

* It could be worse.... at least I'm not a postal worker.

* This car runs like crap because Halliburton stole my oil!

* I support the troops - by giving them something to shoot at.

* You can have my detonator when you pry it from my cold, dead hands.

* Don't shoot! I'm not a commie Italian journalist!

* I'm not playing with myself, I'm adjusting my bomb belt.

* 72 Virgins taxi service.

* I sure hope these voices in my head are Allah!

* Kerry-Edwards '04

* Trust me, you DON'T want to be tailgating.

* Mary Kay Burkha Babe Bomber Brigade (pink Cadillacs only)

* You think it's hot in the DESERT? Try being in my CAR in 5 minutes!

* If you had six wives, you'd be on this mission, too.

* My other car is an IED.

* CAUTION: Delivery vehicle. Watch for frequent stops. And sudden explosions.

* I {heart) the UN.

* How's my driving? Call 1-800-BLOWDUP.

HEADLINE FUN!!!

"US Envoy Calls for IRA to Disband"
Us Envoy blown up.

"A Hearty Laugh Helps Keep a Healthy Heart"
IMAO now covered by most HMOs.

"Commission Says US Lacks Intel on Iran Arms"
Seen more than enough of their legs, though.

"Bolton regarded warily within the UN"
Kofi more into punk rock.

"Murder ruled out in case of King Tut"
So are we supposed to believe he was gutted, his corpse wrapped in cloth, and then buried by accident?

"Italy Demands Justice from US Over Iraq Death"
Justice to be carried out by Tony Soprano.

"Karameh chosen to return as PM"
Will arrive in AM.

"Pope Makes Third Window Appearance"
"Hey, ever-a-buda looka upa there! It'sa da popa!"

"UN Approves Non-Binding Ban on Human Cloning"
Will mad scientists play along?

Now everyone else play along in the comments.

You shout, "Aww, crap! I'm descending into a black hole! @#$% me!"

(Source: A Brief History of Time by Stephen Hawking)

* * * *

Chapter 13
So a Monkey Has a Gun

While guns offer the average man and woman protection and hours of fun, there are those who should not have access to firearms such as criminals, dumb children, and monkeys. Monkeys are a particular problem, as, empowered by a gun, they may shoot you and then eat your face. Also, armed with a gun, you can't use the usual method for dispatching of a monkey: injecting it in the neck with Drano™.

Still, despite everyone's best efforts at proper storage (see Chapter 3), monkeys will obtain guns on occasion. When this happens, it is important you follow these tips to disarm it:

1. Do not panic. Monkeys can sense panic and are drawn to it like a moth to a flame.

2. Smile disarmingly. If done properly, this may cause the monkey to calm down and disarm. If it is not working, the monkey will point the gun at your head and cock it.

3. Use some cool gun disarming move you saw in a movie. When the monkey least expects it, grab the gun from it in a flashy way.

4. If the gun disarming move failed or the monkey has a backup gun, it will now be shrieking with rage. It would be foolish at this point to try that again. Now, draw your own gun which you should have on you... unless you're some sort of flaming homo. Aim the gun at the monkey's temple with your finger placed lightly on the trigger. Now try to reason with the monkey that using its gun can only end poorly for it. Be calm and measured in voice; the gun pointed at the monkey is threatening enough.

If these steps are followed properly the monkey should now be disarmed - allowing you to either shoosh it away or inject it in the neck with Drano™ - or it should be riddled with bullets. By following proper, NRA-sanctioned gun safety, there is no reason a monkey with a gun should ruin any special occasion, whether it be a picnic, wedding, or Bar Mitzvah. Just remember the number one rule of the NRA: Don't be a pussy.

Always write it on rubber paper.

Bono was originally named Paul Davis Hewson, but changed his name to Bono Vox - an Irish phrase meaning "nose like a tent stake".

Bono currently sings for the band "U2". They were going to name it "V2" after the famous rocket from WWII, but decided it would be silly, since no one associates the Irish with violent destruction.

Most people think that Bono's song "Sunday, Bloody Sunday" was about the shooting of Irish civilians in the streets of Derry in 1972, but it was actually based on Bono's response to being mistakenly given a banana split at a British ice cream parlor.

Sorry, "parlour".

Bono originally played guitar for U2, but switched to vocals after it was discovered that his voice sounded somewhat less like a cat that's just peed on an electric fence than his guitar playing did.

Bono's dynamic stage presence has frequently been compared to that of both Al Gore and William Hung.

Sometimes favorably.

Bono is descended from Irish royalty and counts among his ancestors King Patrick the First, and Lucky the Leprechaun.

U2 often interrupts their concerts to deliver political messages to their audiences, much like the Dixie Chicks, except that U2 only has four boobs on stage instead of six.

Bono was recently nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize for advocating that rich countries write off the debt of third world nations. Personally, I say that if poor countries are dumb enough to put a billion dollars on the Eagles, they should be forced to pay every last dime.

If chosen to head the World Bank, Bono will make debt repayment easier for developing nations by declaring tse-tse flies to be legal tender.

Bono once spent some time working with Greenpeace, an ecoterrorist organization so inept that they were once beaten up by France.

Bono wears sunglasses whenever he goes out in public to protect innocent bystanders from the laser beams that shoot uncontrollably out of his eyes.

He also has near-supernatural healing abilities, and an Adamantium skeleton.

Although Bono was once bitten by a radioactive spider, it had no effect on him, since he's not a nancy-boy like that Peter Parker pansy.

The reporter that authored the article, The 52 Funniest Things About the Upcoming Death of the Pope. recently chose to step down from his job. He decided not to take a two week unpaid suspension.

He is now working on his next article: 50 fun things to do while unemployed.

Along with: Fun ways to spend an unemployment check.

In fact, he might even try branching out into other types of writing – such as:
Creative recipes with Macaroni and Cheese.

You know who’s had it equally tough lately? Mel Gibson.

Mel just had a guy put in jail for stalking. Remember, there's a big difference between praying and preying!

Anyway, Mel bought an Island near Fiji for $15 million dollars. But now that faces a lawsuit too.

Some native islanders are suing saying that their families got thrown off the island a long time ago.

Which episode of survivor was that? Was that the one with the naked guy? Or was that the one with Elisabeth?

In fact, this forced removal from the island so upset these people that they are now suing - 100 years later!!!

A bit of sad news, really. Dan Rather is going to be retiring very soon.

At first, Dan resisted the idea of leaving. However, he’s been more excited about his retirement ever since CBS made some changes to the set. Yep, nothing motivates retirement faster than a trap door.

Dan: “I’m Dan Rather, and this is the neeeeeeeeeeeews! Yagh. Ow. Crocodiles!!Call the media.”

Dan’s replacement sits down. “I’m the new reporter saying, - There’s nothing to see here folk. Nothing at all. These are not the droids you’re looking for.”

In South Florida, voters today will consider whether or not to allow Slot machines.

This is different from the way they normally gamble- forgoing homeowners insurance.

Which is different from the way they normally gamble- online Viagra.

Which is different from the way they normally gamble- electronic voting.

The Italian Reporter for a communist newspaper is still saying she was targeted.

Well, what is she complaining about? She’s communist and we treated everyone on that checkpoint equally. To hold our fire would have been to give them preferential treatment. Sigh.

The White House continues to deny that US troops are singling out journalists.

In a completely unrelated newsbit, today the Pentagon announced its new weapons system. The JTS-15 – the Journalist Targeting System.

The job market is doing great. Last month, the economy added a quarter million new workers - or as Ward Churchill would call them - little Eichmanns.

Martha Stewart is back on the job. She said, "Work is great. It's where you find the people, the trends, and the latest stock tips."

She was not wearing the electronic monitoring ankle bracelet. In a nod to her power, she is allowed to delegate that task.

The Michael Jackson trial is still moving along.

You know what I noticed today? Michael was wearing glasses!!

At first I thought, now home come a rich guy like that hasn't had eye surgery - then i realized - oh, this is Michael. He likes to keep thing real.

He probably likes them because they make him look smarter. That's probably how he got into this mess in the first place.

Advisor: MJ, do you think it's wise to have all these boys sleeping in your bed?
MJ: I know how you feel. Let me put on my glasses. See?
Advisor: I guess you're smart enough to know what's best. Get some rest so we can work on your new album- The Best of the Greatest Hits.
MJ: Yeah, those K-Tel people are gonna love it!

Today, we heard that the victims family called MJ 'Daddy Michael' and looked at him as a father figure.

I'm sorry folks, but this is sad. Who the HELL looks at Michael Jackson and sees a father figure? Stick Figure - maybe.

His OWN KIDS don't see him as a father figure and they're HIS- he paid good money for them!!

Has the whole world gone crazy?

In an odd twist, it is being reported that rock singer, Bono might lead the world bank

Why? Because of all his experience pleading for rich nations to forgive third world debt.

Excellent reason.

That, and they know he would stand up to the world’s greediest force: TicketMaster

If you hire a singer for that position, why Bono? Why not Dylan?

That would be perfect.

At a press conference...

"I sez Uh monuh brokuh. Izzu all terr-el"

Public Radio Reporter: No, he said. “I like books. Let’s all share.”

So they are seriously looking at Bono but also willing to entertain other non-singers. It is also rumored that they might even consider somebody with actual banking experience.

They’re looking. But they still haven’t found what they’re looking for.

But they stiiiiiiiiiil. Haven’t fouuuuuuuuund. What they’re looking foooooooor.

Hmm. On second thought, having Bono as World Bank Prez could be fun.

Of course, it would mark the first time that the Annual statement would be edited for the F word, but it's a small trade off.

Word has it that Al Gore won’t run in 2008. 2008? I think he should start running right now. And while we’re at it – throw in some push ups and sit ups.

Or he could keep working on his tan and apply for a better position: Star Jones impersonator.

Remember this one?

Star Jones may sue PETA for using a drag queen look alike.

Please recall, viewers were tortured by Star Jones' on air planning of every last detail of her wedding. She received a ton of free wedding stuff for plugging all these companies on TV.

I can just see her next move on this PETA thing...

Star: I can’t believe they’re gonna make advertising with somebody who looks just like me.
Elisabeth Hasselbeck: You mean Smokey the Bear?
Star: No, you dummy! I mean PETA and that cross dresser! I’m gonna sue their butts.(into the camera) And when I sue somebody, I like to use the people and Johnson, Bernstein, and Allen, who conduct themselves professionally. JB&A – they care.
Barbara Walters: Did you just work in another plug? Didn’t we talk about this?
Star: What’s the big deal? It’s just a little plug for free services.
Elizabeth: Okay, I guess that wraps up today’s episode. And remember, only you can prevent forest fires.
Star: Oh,no you didn’t. Let me at that skinny little thing. Let’s see if she can survive this!!!
(Cut to commercial as all hell breaks loose.)

Do you think Hillary is starting to position herself for a Presidential run in 2008? Who knows. But lately, she’s been trying to positiong herself to the right of George Bush.

Lately, she went and stumped for the protection of Israel.

I’m waiting for her to come out against socializing our health care system.

Today, she gave a speech, “The importance of faithfulness in marriage.”

Did you hear about this?

Former Presidents Clinton and Bush shared a flight from the tsunami and Clinton gave the elder Bush the only bed. When they checked on Bill he was spread out on the floor - and there was no flight attendant next to him or anything!

Hurray for Bill. What a sweet thing to do. That's why we look upon him as a father figure.

I guess that's why he's always asking, "Who's your daddy?"

**

Thank you for visiting.

Do you have an interesting news piece to share? If so, email me at rightwingduckatyahoodotcom with the words roundup in the subject line. Be sure to note if you have a blog.

As always, I can't hear you laugh, so if any joke tickled your funny bone - please post it comments.

Fashizzle.

2) 10 minute oil change takes 15 minutes.

3) Out of Miracle Whip.

4) Laptop battery dying juuuuust before you click "post".

5) Ewoks

6) Out of toilet paper.

7) Last call.

8) Underwear for Christmas.

9) Smurfs

10) Out of toilet paper AND Kleenex.

11) Blog posts with blink tags.

12) Accidentally using Ben Gay for toothpaste.

13) A Jar-Jar Binks poetry reading.

14) Old people winning the lottery

15) Firefly being cancelled.

16) Democrats winning the Presidency.

17) Mullets

19) Lists that skip a number just to see if you're paying attention.

20) The ending to Matrix: Revolutions

21) Democrats winning the Presidency by running Jar-Jar Binks.

22) Out of toilet paper, kleenex, paper towels, newspaper, junk mail, catalogs, and you can't find your birth certificate anywhere.

23) Sitting in a doctor's waiting room between two smelly hippies who are arguing over whether Al Franken or Randi Rhodes has the better program on Air America.

24) ANY non-bleeding hippy.

25) Spending $200 trying to impress your date, taking her home, and getting a handshake instead of lucky.

26) A Peanut butter and Mentholatum sandwich.

27) Green eggs and hair.

28) Your new babysitter shows up and it's Michael Jackson.

29) The shelves at Blockbuster are competely bare except for Fahrenheit 9/11, Battlefield Earth, and A Very Brady Sequel.

30) A Liquid nitrogen enema.

31) Not knowing what to say during a lap dance.