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April 30, 2005
Stirring up a WASP's Nest
On Friday I asked IMAO Fans for advice on some tough decisions I had to make regarding if I should break the promise I made to myself about not seeing the next Star Wars movie (even if it was free) and the radio talk show I was producing/co-hosting on Saturday. The lineup of expert panelists I'd found (mostly from organization in and around Seattle, near the show's studios) to discuss the "Big Tent of Ideas" on Republican Radio were all upper income, old, white Protestant males.
As per the advice of IMAO Fans, I'm going to see Episode III, but the Republican Radio outcome was very controversial...
Maybe some Republican stalwarts could listen to two hours of WASPs blah-blah-blah-ing about the need for conservatives to run in the upcoming city council races and bemoaning the liberal media, but last night I had to be the only Republican at a dinner party in Seattle with a dozen high-paid, lily-white, Audi-driving, anti-religious lefty elitists who were constantly complaining about "BushCo" and the "Red State Bible-Thumpers" who were ruining their country.
I was furious about the close-minded insults of the elite Left hurled at conservatives at the dinner party last night but couldn't do much about it. Then, in the middle of the first segment of the live Republican Radio talk show this morning, I realized that all of the guests on the show were exactly the kind of WASP-ish Republican stereotypes the left-wing elitists I had to deal with at last night's party think comprise the entire conservative movement in America!
I don't have audio of me losing it on air (yet), but I told all of the guests to go home, gave the show's call screener my mobile phone with address book, and told the screener they had until the end of the commercial break to give me diversity on the show. Thanks to my contact list, I was able to get a Black conservative female columnist, a gay conservative blogger, and a Los Angeles-based Muslim who is a radical Republican (you can hear Ali Hasan's first segment here).
Hey lefty! Look me in the eye and tell me that that isn't a diverse lineup! The only person I couldn't get on the show was a Latino business owner who once told me "I don't support amnesty for illegals; I'm for shooting them as they come across the Rio Grande."
It certainly made for interesting radio. I doubt the Republican Radio full-timers will ever have me produce another show but I thought it went well... I'll try to have a podcast link of the whole show soon
April 29, 2005
Questions for Glenn Reynolds
The vile and despicable puppy-blender will be attending the BlogNashville wing-ding next weekend. Sadly, I will be unable to attend due to outstanding warrants in Tennessee (hey... she LOOKED 18). However, if I'd been able to make it, and if I'd been able to get some face-time with that over-rated ambulance-chaser, I'd have had a few questions for him, which I'll list in the extended entry
* You post on Instapundit hundreds of times an hour. Do you do EVERYTHING that quickly? How does your wife feel about that? Is that how you got the name "Instapundit"?
* In a battle between you and Aquaman, who would win?
* Your logo is a broadcast tower. Is it true that it used to be a flag at half-mast before you discovered Viagra?
* Boxers or briefs?
* Oster or Waring?
* Which came first - you or the aluminum foil?
* Are you actually a cartoon character? I mean, we've never actually SEEN you and Homer Simpson together at the same time.
* Why doesn't your FAQ page mention your numerous connections to organizations known to support the monkey menace that threatens all human life?
* In your about me picture, you have your hands in your pockets. Do you have six fingers on your right hand, and how much will you pay me not to mention this to Inigo Montoya?
* Do you ever regret blogging about your obsession with gay penguin voyeurism?
* You recently said, "If a coyote eats one of my cats, I intend to make a coyote rug." Do they MAKE blenders that big?
* Will you be merging your blog with Andrew Sullivan's after the wedding?
* Don't you think it's somewhat blasphemous that your hat is both taller and pointier than the Pope's?
* When the Berlin Wall came down, is it true that you used a piece of it to bash in a hobo's skull?
* Did you trade nuclear weapons secrets to the North Koreans in exchange for a truckload of puppies?
* Are you involved in Boston's recent rash of puppy kidnappings?
* You ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?
* There has been a dramatic rise in obesity among children under the age of 11. Are your PupGurt Brand Yogurt Smoothies to blame for this?
* One of your favorite words is "Indeed", which you always start with a capital "I". Is this also Viagra-related?
Of course, all I really want to ask him is...
WHY WON'T YOU LINK TO ME? HUH? WHY? WHY? WHYYYYYYYY?????
I have a feeling that's going to be the most popular question at the conference.
I've got some tough decisions...
I have a couple of tough decisions to make in the next 24 hours and hope that the IMAO Fans can help a brother out:
1) I am co-hosting the Republican Radio talk show tomorrow here in Seattle (broadcast live from 11am-1pm Pacific Time on the Internet via the Universal Talk Network) and I'm frustrated with the guests they've got lined up: Dr. James Marlowe of the Evergreen Historical Preservation Society, Trevor Cranston-Smythe with Washingtonians for Liberty, and William Pitts, the co-founder of the Legal Immigration Foundation. My problem is that none of these guys sound very exciting and they all sound like the old rich WASP everyone thinks of when they hear the word "Republican." Should I be worried about reinforcing a stereotype?
2) My day job is offering to send me to a private screening of Star Wars Episode III for free, but I have already promised myself that after Episodes I and II that I wouldn't be screwed again by George Lucas. Should I break my own promise and take the free ticket?
Deep, meaningful conservation shall ensue in the Comments section, I'm sure!
Still Resting Up
I decided to still rest up today, but I'll be back Monday with the next part to IMW: Aw, Hell. Also, I'm having my crack research staff look into the Minority Leader, Harry Reid. Plus, the whole IMAO gang has a number of different projects brewing.
Now, some blegging. The wedding will probably be in December, and we're thinking of honeymooning in Australia. Any tips on how to make a good vacation packages and any info from some locals? All help will be appreciated.
Crappy Birthday, Saddam
The boys over at Cox & Forkum remind us that yesterday was Saddam Hussein's 68th birthday. I should have gotten him something, but I had trouble deciding:
* Jalepeno underwear
* Razor blade mattress
* Bandsaw eyebrow plucking
* Plastic shredder shoes
* Cheese grater manicure
* Hot wax eyedrops
* Rabid weasel bath
* Ben Gay Q-tip ear cleaning
* Anthrax omelette
* Tarantula enema
Got any suggestions?
A Post - by Ducky the Bull
RightWingDuck here. You know, I've been reading the paper and following these mobsters that got picked up by the FBI. These guys are accuses of a lot of stuff - some of them murders that go back 20 years.
What's weird is that these guys are upset that we would even THINK that they are mobsters. See, it's okay for your business card to read, Sammy The Snake
That got me to thinking...
What Mob Nicknames would YOU give some of our favorite public figures?
Here are my nickname entries along with an overview of their "mob profile"
President Bush: Junior
Former President Clinton: Billy "The Zipper" Clinton
Let's start handing out those cool nicknames. Who comes to mind? Dan Rather? George Soros? Maureed Dowd?
Post in comments.
April 28, 2005
The First! Carnival of Comedy
Welcome, one and all to the......
Don't all those synonyms for 'first' line up look a lot like the numeral one? Well, who cares what you think? I think they do and I am your host, spacemonkey.
This carnival of comedy is going to be more fun than a barrel full of... submissions. You thought I was going to say more fun than a barrel full of monkeys, didn't you? Admit it, you did. Well, hah! I'm proud to say I resisted the urge.
What? I said it anyway? Well, crap. I told myself and TOLD myself I wasn't going to bring up monkeys. Frank J. hates them (monkeys) so. Then what do I do? I bring up monkeys. Great.
But I can't let my failures as host stop me. I must move on, there's a Carnival of Comedy to start.
Speaking of submissions (remember? I was talking about the submissions a while back, before I got on the monkey bent) we do have a barrelful. Not a literal barrel, of course. As that would just be silly. I suppose I could print them out, I guess and they might fill a notebook. But saying a notebook-full of submissions isn't as nearly as funny as a barrel full of, not monkeys, but submissions. Is it? I don't think so.
A notebook-full of monkeys might actually be funnier than both of the other sayings, but it would be inaccurate seeing as I have Carnival of Comedy submissions and not, in fact, monkeys. I always strive for accuracy. That was why I admitted to not actually having a barrel.
We do have a record number of submissions for a Carnival of Comedy on IMAO if memory serves and it being the first one and all. You'll have to count them though, the number gets so high I have to take my shoes off to count them and I'm not allowed to do that at work any more. For a few reasons that I won't go into here.
That said, the number of submissions is, like, WAAAAY more than 10 as you can see for yourself. Unless, of couse, you are a total moron, then I suppose you'll just have to take my word for it. Even I can tell its more than 10. I wouldn't need to take my shoes off otherwise.
Of course, I don't think there are any total morons who read this site regularly. But it is a special day after all and there might be some who were brought in by bus for the occasion.
As hoped, the submissions range all over the comedy spectrum from funny pictures to essays to lists to howtos, there's even an ebay auction.
Enough lead in I suppose so lets all take our shoes off (if we are allowed), kick back, put the drinks away and on the count of one, start the carnival.
All Ready? All together.
Laurence Simon at IFOC News presents Annan Expresses Concern For Deteriorating Hilton-Ritchie Relations
Dan Lovejoy at Dan & Angi have something to say presents Did you hear the one about C. Everett Koop's Elbow?
Jonathan Geist at presents A Rather Memorable Ebay Auction
Buckley F. Williams at The Nose On Your Face presents Public Figures Speak Out On Ratzinger/Olsen Papacy
Alec Rawls at Error theory presents Earth Day 2030: "A new eye blinked open upon the world"
Mark A. Rayner at The Skwib presents Exploding fairy tales, frankenfoods and German toads
Entries From IMAO readers who entered by email rather than post
IMAO reader whitefang1001-at-aol.com - emails CANNIBALS FIGHT FOR CIVIL RIGHTS
IMAO reader, thrillerfan89-at-yahoocom - emails A 100 Percent True (Unfortunately) Story
I did ask Frank for a nice quote for the first Carnival of Comedy and he said
None of that 'first' crap, no talk of monkeys and... Monkey, see this gun? It's loaded. Now, get your feet out of my face before I unload it, the loud way.Mission accomplished.
This wraps up the inaugural, initial, premier and yes, first issue of the Carnival of Comedy. You saw it here at IMAO, first!
I'm Sick and Joe's Hot
Sorry for no post, but I'm home sick. I got woken up this morning, though, by a call from my brother, Joe foo' the Marine, in Iraq. Says he's really getting good with his Arabic and the locals are all friendly. A lot of the time they aren't doing much, so the military has a bunch of signs up saying, "Complacency Kills." Now everyone wants to name his tank "Complacency" since "Complacency Kills."
Joe also says nothing is as bad or as good as either side would make things out, so take all news with a grain of salt. Anyhoo, I'm getting back to bed. Be honorable, ronin.
RWD's News Round-Up, Thursday
I'm RightWingDuck and I'm here to share the news.
In England, Channel 5 has announced plans to air a hip, edgy reality series – LIVE plastic surgery.
Do they mean live-live? Yes, as in the coverage features real plastic surgery in action!!
Imagine having to be the play-by-play team on THAT one.
“What’s he doing now, Jim.”
In yet another ground-breaking move, Channel 5 launched an even edgier, hipper new series. “Live Plastic Surgery- Bloopers.”
“What’s he doing now, Jim.”
Speaking of surgical bloopers…
The Michael Jackson trial is still just too much fun to watch.
Debbie Rowe, Michael’s ex-wife took the stand today. She was artificially inseminated. And Michael might not even be the father!!
Oh my goodness.
We should have known. Those young kids don’t resemble a young Michael Jackson at all.
On second thought – even Michael doesn’t resemble a young Michael Jackson.
American Idol is making headlines. Looks like ABC is trying to air a special where they talk about all the backstage stuff. It may be that – get this- judges can influence the decision made by viewers of the show!
I don’t know. Does it MATTER if the judges are too chummy with the contestants and push their favorite?
Folks, this isn’t the Olympics. This is a popularity contest.
Fox is livid that ABC would air such a special!
When asked for their opinions, the AI judges had their say. Simon said the idea was “dreadful and seemed like a cruise ship act”, Randy called them a bunch of dawgs, and Paula, always positive, really appreciated that ABC was "trying hard and putting in the effort."
Juicy tidbit: Did you know that Simon spent the first half of this season always asking, “Hey, whatever happened to that fat, black guy?”
There were 30,000 people at the site to watch the tests and there were some great reactions such as: “I’m so proud.” This will be good for Europe.” And “This will be the Mother Of All Hijack…. I mean Airplanes.”
The President personally escorted DeLay off the plane. He wished him well and sent him on. Afterward, the President joined the crew as they tried to figure out why so many ashtrays went missing.
DeLay as you know is facing an ethics probe. Mostly because of questionable trips paid for by outside groups.
This is a serious charge. Democrats are right to pursue this aggressively. Of course, they have adopted incredibly high standards - ever since Monica gave Bill that free trip “Around the World.”
The TV station of course sees nothing wrong with it. There is a huge Mexican population here in Los Angeles – some of them are even legal. Yep – I’ve got my papers (wait – I was born here!)
The station is standing by the ad saying, “Listen, this is a free country. If you don’t like it, go back to America.”
Sad. People ask me, "RWD,what can we do about this?" And I usually respond, "What do you mean WE, paleface?"
Oh. Here’s some more sad news.
You know who’s taking steroids these days? Young girls. Really, girls as young as NINE have been found to take steroids because they want that toned look that they see on models.
How screwed upis this? Those models had 1,000 pictures snapped before the photographer got the perfect one. Then they airbrushed it, photoshopped it, and tweaked it to make it look just right. The MODELS wish they could look like models!!!
Thankfully, these girls aren’t out to build big muscles. They simply want more toned legs.
And many of them are getting just what they want: long, strong, beautiful legs. Legs that go all the way up to their testicles.
Some Buffalo escaped from their ranch and ended up hitting the streets. Police took a long time to round them up but approached it with a light-hearted attitude.
Who knows, next week, they could be rounding up the deer and the antelope.
That’s why I like Baltimore people. They are just so mellow.
Where seldom is heard.
Remember, I can't hear you. So if anything got a laugh out of you, post it in comment and let me know what struck you as funny today.
April 27, 2005
New Weapons for the Troops
The best part about starting unprovoked wars of aggression in the Middle East - besides getting to steal all that sweet, sweet oil - is that is leads to the development of fun new weaponry. For example, the enchanting and addictive new XM8 Assault Rifle (see the video here, featuring R. Lee Ermey).
Using my secret Pentagon connections, I've discovered more cool things we can expect to see in the near future, and I've listed them in the extended entry:
* The Ray Ray - Blinds the enemy, but gives him song-writing and piano-playing talents as compensation.
* Cat Gas - Incapacitates the enemy by making him cough up hairballs and lick his own butt.
* Field Activated Repulsing Traumatizer - the acronym says it all
* F-bomb - Turns even battle-hardened troops into sniveling Frenchman.
* Works best in conjunction with the White Flag Bomb.
* Model JFK04 Magic CIA Hat of +3 Healing - Turns mortal wounds into non-life-threatening, Band-aidable scratches. Good for up to three uses.
* Twinkie Armor - The golden sponge cake treat is impervious to heat, cold, radiation and bullets. "Silly terrorist! You cannot hurt a Twinkie!"
* Mecha-Streisand - Self-explanatory.
* WARNING! Petting Zoo is not safe for work and it's use may constitute a violation of the Geneva Convention. Consult an International Law expert before using this setting outside of Abu Ghraib.
* Ballistic Ultralight Lethal Lead Energy Transmitter System - Utilizing the latest in kinetic projectile physics technology, even a single one of these babies is capable of re-arranging a terrorist's innards at distances of up to 1000 yards. These are currently being field tested and are expected to replace the Soggy Paper Impulse Targeted Ballistic Attack Loogey Launching System by as early as 2008.
* WTF Bomb - Propaganda leaflets covered with Democratic Underground posts will make the enemy think he's won the war so he'll quit and go home.
* American Flag - Releases up to 10 megatons of Freedom and Democracy when attached to the side of a 10 megaton nuclear warhead.
* Sorry... NUCULAR warhead.
I'll post more insider info as I get it, assuming they don't kill me first for knowing too much.
"The Castle Doctrine" Would Be a Great Name for a Gun
Hey! It's your favorite Frank J. - The Frank J. - the unquestioned overlord of the blogododecahedron, here to talk about firearms, so listen up.
Now, as you may have heard, a new bill has been signed in my state by Jeb Bush (we have our own Bush in Florida) that changes self-defense laws so that a citizen no longer has to attempt to flee from an attacker before using lethal force. Also, the castle doctrine has been expanded so that you can pretty much blow away any mo'fo' who breaks into you house - no questions asked (info on bill here; will come into effect October 1st).
Now, the critics, of course, are saying this is going to turn Florida into the "Wild West" as they do about every self-defense. Since there are plenty of states that already have similar laws and don't have any problems, the critics might as well be arguing the earth is flat. Still, they think that now, anytime someone feels threatened, he's going to start shooting and we'll get this:
POLICE OFFICER: So why did you shoot that man?
The thing about this law change, though, is that anyone with half a brain would already ignored the parts in the law about having to try and flee first and to make sure someone who broke into your home is threatening you before you fire. As the sheriff you taught the class for my conceal and carry permit said, "It's better to be judged by twelve than carried by six." In an intense situation, you don't have time to try and consider all the ramifications - it's shoot or don't shoot. Self-defense is a visceral thing, and, if you try and take the time to think it out, there can be disastrous consequences (I was told the story of a man who didn't shoot someone who broke into his house because the robber fled at the sight of the gun. The robber then ran upstairs, locked himself in the room with the man's daughter and raped her.). The best idea when faced with a criminal is to shoot and worry about the justification later. All this new laws means is I don't have to come up with some lame excuse if I end up in a self defense shooting.
OUTDOOR SHOOTING OF ATTACKER
Anyway, the idea is there are plenty of time to come up with excuses after you're safe, but, with this new law, I don't have to waste time thinking of justifications and can instead spend the time waiting for the cops to arrive looking for the warranty card to my DVD player.
As the purpose of IMAO is to educate the public (see the IMAO's Charter clause 173.24b), I'll end this post with some self-defense tips cobbled together from what lots of grizzled looking characters have told me.
FRANK TIPS FOR SELF-DEFENSE
* First off, get yourself a gun, numb-nuts. Are you willing to bet your life on a condiment dispenser (i.e. pepper-spray)? And make it a good gun with some ammo with stopping power.
* When carrying concealed, be able to draw at a moments notice. While some deep carry holsters...
THERE IS A CRAZED ATTACKER COMING AT YOU RIGHT NOW!!!
If you were not able to draw and fire before you finished reading that sentence, you are not prepared. Many attacks only give you a second or two notice, so practice a quick draw and firing using snap-caps.
* Remember, a robber is more afraid of you than you are of him - or at least he should be. In situation where you have more notice, usually a display of your gun is enough to scare away a potential attacker. Even if you have to fire, it's all a mind game, and you want the upper hand. Me, I like to be able to draw dual-.45s. Sure, I can aim better drawing one, but pulling out two should immediately let my
* At home, shoot as soon as you identify someone in your home who shouldn't be there. I don't care how expensive the amplifier is that he has in his arms. All you need to do is make sure the person in the dark isn't one of your family members. This can be determined by asking, "Are you one of my family members?" before unleashing a hail of bullets.
* Also for home, have a pump action shotgun. If you hear someone in your home, you chamber a round as loudly as possible. Unless the guy is high on PCP, he's going to be getting out of your place before you can even think of pulling a trigger. If he is high on PCP, then it's time to fire the shotgun. I don't care how whacked out on drugs someone is; you need a mid-section to be a threat.
* Don't be overly callous when applying force, though, as there usually are laws dictating that you can't respond to an attack with "excessive force." So, once your attacker is dead, stop shooting him; that's excessive. Firing into someone already dead wastes bullets, defiles a corpse, and is against the law.
If anyone has more tips or modifications to mine, put them in the comments. And, as a reminder to potential attackers: While you do not have a duty to flee if you see me on the streets, it's probably a wise idea.
Hey everybody! spacemonkey here to bring you the news.
Hey everybody! spacemonkey here to bring you a prevaricated report on what evil glenn is up to or perhaps a totally true tidbit or twelve (alliteration baby) or some other perversion for you.
Hey everybody! spacemonkey here with a humorous photoshop (the adobe people hate that word used as a noun... or a verb) I've photoshopped (take that adobe!) for you.
Hey everybody! spacemonkey here with a funny audio clip for people who aren't deaf or hardhitting conservative commentary for you.
Hey everybody! spacemonkey here with a tale of how my talky/fishy ability and underwater breathing power in no way prevents my liberal butt from being kicked, for you.
Hey everybody! spacemonkey here with an update on AI, some links of the day, maybe some gratuitous t-shirt babe photos or some random acts of cuteness for you.
Hey everybody! spacemonkey here with a groundbreaking satire piece, first class gut-splitting humor or just a major ego trip for you.
Hey everybody! spacemonkey here with a big steaming pile of whatever geeky crap he wants to post whenever he feels like it, for you.
And it's all, for you.
Hey everybody! spacemonkey here saying 'Don't forget to get your Carnival of Comedy entry submitted! Lots of entries so far and counting. Don't miss it!'
Funnymakers! If you entered the Carnival of Comedy don't forget to link it and spread the word.
Readers! Expect a lot of funny when you read the Carnival of Comedy.
Tips for smearing an American Idol judge
Disgraced former American Idol contestant Corey Clark (he was the tall semi-guy from a couple of years ago with frizzy hair, a weirdly high Michael Jackson voice, and a penchant for beating up little girls) is peddling a book detailing how AI's Pollyanna-ish judge Paula Abdul "paid his expenses and promised to pay $2 million towards his pop career if he kept their romance secret."
I don't know who Corey's ghost writer is, but Corey's agent shouldn't have let him write his own book proposal...
C'mon, who here thinks Paula Abdul has two million bucks to throw around? She hasn't had a hit in over fifteen years, she is just a cast member rather than "producer" of AI(meaning she doesn't have profit sharing when the show does well), and obviously has to drive her own car rather than have a limo driver.
I know Paula's a has-been but what kind of idiot never-was would publicly claim: "Paula Abdul said she pay me $2 million if I didn't tell anyone we had sex"?
Dude, have the sex and take the $2 million... Unless the publisher gave you a $3 million advance on your book, you ain't gonna get a better deal than that.
April 26, 2005
AI top 6
songs from the aughts.
Carrie 01 - She is soooo good. Outstanding. I disagree with Randy, she was on key. For the record, I hate the song, one of Martina's worst songs ever (because I don't like songs about God-fearin' women goin' wild, I'd like to think that God-fearin' women choose to be good, but anyway...). However, she did an excellent job given what she was singing, and bless Simon, he's English, and he knows that's why he doesn't like county. He's giving her a record contract whether she wins or not, if I'm a guessin' girl.
Frank said Paula doesn't seem drunk tonight, but I say Paula's trying not to seem drunk, because she understands that we at IMAO are talking.
Bo 02 - That song is too low for him, actually. He was losing the low notes and playing it off as "oops, i accidentally took the mic away too soon", but Bo, you can't fool the young muser. :-) That said, I adore the outfit, would love to see Frank walk around at Disney World with that on, and I'm voting for Bo tonight.
Frank says that the great thing about Bo is that he's manly enough that guys can vote for him without feeling gay, unlike Constantine. Poor Constantine the Camera Molester.
Vonzell 03 - Wow, after her, show's over, is there a reason to watch after the first 3? Anyway, how cool is it that Pops was the karate teacher? Hmm, a Christina Aguilera song (one of the few great ones), I'm interested. Frank said, "Christina, isn't she the one who went all slutty?" to which I responded, "Yeah, unlike Britney." I'm so witty. Ok, Vonzell was good, but the whole first half of the song was boring and just like Christina. I used to listen to this song while tending my amazing tomato garden. I miss gardening. What was I saying? Oh yes. I'll still vote for her, because she is top 3 material.
Paula is back to her old self, dittoing exactly what Randy says while adding only a tinge of girliness.
Ryan says that Anthony will take on Celine Dion. Is that him publicly coming out? Just asking. Don't get me wrong, I love Celine, love to sing Celine. But a guy singing.... sad. BTW, they showed Clay Not Gay earlier (I truly believe he's straight, even if I'm the only one), and he totally looked like he never had an American Idol makeover. I love him anyway.
Anthony 04 - I must say, I'm totally awwwing over the bit with his parents and his dad crying and whatnot. Ok, turnaround for SarahK tonight. I've been bored with him for a long time, and tonight, I was mouthing the words to a song I don't particularly love. Maybe it was the pinstripes, maybe the flawless voice (once we got past the incredibly boring beginning, but hey, he didn't write it), but anyway, *sigh*.
Constantine 05 - The other day I was talking about AI at lunch with the preacher and his wife, and the preacher's wife asked if Constantine was a real name or completely made up. I told her I'm sure he's Greek, and whaddaya know, he's as Greek as Athena. Anyway, a Nickelback song from Constantine, I would have much better loved this if Bo had sung it. Let's face it, Con, you should leave these songs to Bo (please Bo, ask for Constantine's advice when picking your songs) and just sing Duran Duran and other such showy songs where vocals aren't so important.
How many times is Paula going to "having said that"? BTW, a total Fred Flinstone outfit on Ms. Abdul tonight.
Scott (number withheld) - Those parents sure are convincing about him being Mr. Sensitive considering his arrest record for domestic abuse or whatever. Anyway, what is he singing? Nondescript, boring, oh wait, I recognize that one line about dancing with a father. Ruben, nice to see ya again. Blah.
Simon's right, and Paula knows it.
My order, FWIW (and it's worth at least $1.05):
the bottom 3 tomorrow night, though, will be Bo, Constantine, and Scott.
In My World: Aw, Hell
The Dark Empress sat at her throne, observing the news on multiple T.V. monitors. "All goes as planned."
"But Empress," said one of her servants, "the Republicans still hold power!"
"Fool!" the Empress shouted, "That is what I wanted. We wait for 2008 for my rise to power and the destruction of the world. Until then, we weaken the Republicans’ power." The Empress turned to face those before her. There was a towering demon, its eyes glowing of fire, horns spiraling from his head, and dark wings large enough to block the sun. He kneeled before the Empress and spaketh in a voice that would chill the soul of mortal man.
"I am Moloch, and I pledge to you the armies of hell." Behind the terror were countless more demons, gnashing their teeth and clawing the air in their hatred and anger.
Next to Moloch kneeled a man in a suit. "I am George Soros, and I pledge to you the armies of MoveOn.org." Behind the Hungarian were countless liberals, gnashing their teeth and clawing the air in their hatred and anger.
The Empress smiled. "And now the attack shall begin."
* * * *
"Pedro, I'm going to make a run for it."
"No, Sanchez, you don't want to try and cross into America now."
"Why not, Pedro? Because of those loco MinuteMen?"
"No. Because of the one know as 'El Estrangulador Rumsfeld.' All who sneak across the border are found dead with a note saying, 'Soy Donald Rumsfeld, y estrangulé a este hombre.' No one is sure what it means."
"That's just a crazy legend, Pedro."
"No! It's true! Also, with him is the beast known as 'El Chompacabra.' It is a monster composed only of teeth and anger."
"You believe too many silly stories, Pedro. Anyway..."
Beside the two, the earth ripped open and out poured forth the demons of hell, all running northward towards America and destroying everything in their path.
"Pedro! We must flee!"
"Yes! We must... oh, it's siesta time. We nap, then we flee."
* * * *
Chomps growled, angrier than his usual growl.
"What is it, boy?" Rumsfeld asked, not looking up from one of his war books.
Chomps wasn't sure. He felt angry at the very fabric of existence itself. Not sure how to maul the very fabric of existence itself, he attacked a potted plant.
Rumsfeld’s phone rang and he answered. "Hello."
"It's me, the President... President Bush, that is... the second President Bush. We've got trouble."
"What kind of trouble?"
Rumsfeld grabbed his strangling gloves and headed out the door.
* * * *
"I've called you all to the war room because America is under attack from the forces of hell itself," Bush announced. "Mexican Attorney General, have you made any progress in stopping them?"
"They ain't exactly obeying the authority of the police," Gonzales answered.
"Well, have you contacted your brother Speedy to help out?"
Gonzales settled back in his chair and put his sombrero over his face. "One of these days I'm gonna cut you, you stupid gringo."
Bush tuned to Condoleezza Rice. "So what's the situation with other countries?"
"None are reporting any similar attacks."
"Just us then," Bush mused. "I wonder how the National Guard is doing. Someone radio them."
Over the speaker came, "This is Buck the Marine. I was on leave, but I heard fighting so I decided to join in."
"Kill any?" Bush asked.
"Ya see, that's the thing: they ain't exactly... what's that word... sounds like 'corporal'..."
"Corporeal," Condi answered.
"Yeah. They ain't that," Buck said, "I shot them good, but that didn't do nut'n. So I then tried praying at one, and stuck it with my KaBar. That sorta worked."
"Back when I was a kid," Rumsfeld growled, "When we got attacked by the legions of hell, we didn't make a big deal about it. Just grabbed a few holy artifacts and chased them away."
"That's what we need!" Bush exclaimed, "Holy artifacts!" He picked up the phone and dialed seven sevens. "Jesus, I need your help... Oh, Jesus isn't there. Could you leave Him a message, then? ...Tell Him if this is the end of time and there was a rapture, He forgot me and needs to come pick me up. If this isn't the end of time, then we need some help fighting the demons of hell and He's the only one who can give it because Buddha stopped returning my phone calls." Bush hung up. "I'm sure Jesus will get some help for us quick; He's one nice guy. Comes from a good family."
"Uh, Mr. President," White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan called out.
"Scott, I told you that when important things are happening that you're not allowed to talk," Bush responded angrily.
"But you might want to see this." Scott pointed to a T.V. screen on which a commercial was playing.
"Now, under Bush, we're being attacked by the legions of hell," the announcer said, showing scenes of the chaos. "Why? Because of the Bush administration’s association with the religious right. We've left the citizens of hell feeling like pariahs to our own government which should represent everyone. Just listen to this man who is foreign and thus smarter than you."
A Frenchman appeared on screen. "We care not for religion in our superior country, and thus we are not attack be zees devils. Peh! I spit on your stupidness."
"Wise words," the announcer continued, "but what does Mr. Bush do when trouble appears."
There was a still image of Bush on screen with his voice saying, "Jesus, I need your help."
"They tapped my phone!" Bush exclaimed. He then took out a hammer and smashed the phone to pieces. "That'll teach 'em."
"Is this separation of church and state?" the announcer asked, "Mr. Bush is only causing more attacks. If we want peace, we have to reject the religious extremists and reject the Republicans who are beholden to them. So, disassociate yourself from any religiousness, and the demons will leave us alone."
The final screen displayed the words, "This message was paid for by MoveOn.org."
"Stupid 527s!" Bush yelled. "Get McCain in here!"
Senator John McCain came in the war room. "What is it?"
Bush punched McCain in the face, dropping the Senator to the floor. "You're as mean as the Vietnamese!" McCain cried.
Bush shook his fist at McCain. "I'm just getting started." He then turned to face everyone else. "We have a big problem ahead of us, and we need to be together in facing it... even with the liberals nipping at our heels. This will be a big challenge, and it won't just be solved by punching McCain."
"Can I punch him anyway?" Condi asked.
TO BE CONTINUED...
Totally True Tidbits About Saudi Arabia
President Bush met with Crown Prince Abdullah of Saudi Arabia in Texas yesterday where they discussed important things like the price of oil and how Saudi Arabia might become our newest nuclear weapons testing ground if they don't get on board the anti-terror train in a big hurry.
But the sad fact is that most Americans don't really know all that much about our partner in the Middle East. Except that they're only a "partner" in the sense that - in the war on terror - they provide the terrorists and we provide the kill'n. So to make us all a little wiser, I Googled my little heart out and present (in the extended entry) the following
* Saudi Arabia is named after an Arabic phrase meaning "Land of Kitty Litter".
* The government of Saudi Arabia is comprised of a ruling council of 12 of the countries oldest and wisest camels.
* Saudi Arabia contains the Muslim Holy Cities of Mecca and Medina, which - roughly translated from Arabic - mean something like "Disney Land" and "Disney World", respectively.
* Saudi Arabia is bordered on the West by the Red Sea, which is called that because it's where commies go to die.
* When Ted Kennedy books a flight for Saudi Arabia, you'll know his time draws nigh.
* Men in Saudi Arabia wear a white cloth on their heads called a Ghutra. Although some claim to wear it for religious reasons, mostly it's because America has refused to share advanced baseball cap technology with the Saudis.
* There is very little water in Saudi Arabia, so if you see an Arab, shoot him, lest he steal your bottle of Aquafina.
* All muslims are expected to make a pilgrimmage to Mecca at some point in their lives, just as all Japanese must go to Disney Land.
* The main source of revenue in Saudi Arabia is selling bottles of stolen Aquafina to thirsty pilgrims.
* It is against the law for a Saudi man to mate with a camel. Unless his wife has a headache. Which is why Saudi men usually have enough wives to make sure that at least one of them has a headache at all times.
* The Saudis consider dogs to be despicable, unclean animals because they sniff each other's butts. Truth is, a dog's butt smells better than your average Saudi.
* Hey, you can only do so much bathing with one bottle of Aquafina.
* Saudi Arabia was originally populated by wandering tribes of nomadic, wise-cracking rabbits who should've taken a left at Albuquerque.
* A Saudi's weapon of choice is a huge, curved sword called a scimitar. Yeah, they're compensating for something.
* In a battle between Aquaman and Saudi Arabia, Aquaman would be eaten by a carnivorous sand dune, just like in Aladdin.
* Most terrorists come from Saudi Arabia, probably because sand gets in their underwear and makes them irritable.
* Arabs wear loose, flowing robes to help shield them from the desert heat and to hide the water-retaining humps on their backs.
* Arab culture is quite primitive by American standards. Some areas of Saudi Arabia don't even have the SpongeBob movie yet!
* If an Arab threatens you with his scimitar, just shoot him. They don't have "Raiders of the Lost Ark" yet, either.
* Arabs are a protected species, having been hunted nearly to extinction by Giant Sandworms and angry Jews.
* Saudi Arabia has lots of oil, but we can't steal it unless they're not watching us...
* Quick! Look behind you! An angry Jew!
* The easiest way to offend someone in Saudi Arabia is to say that their mother smells like goat. It's probably true, but they just don't like hearing it.
50 IMAO points to the first person to cause an international incident by using that last bit of advice.
RWD's News Round-Up, Tuesday
I'm RightWingDuck, and I'm here to share the news.
Two reporters were dismissed by their paper for drinking on the job. Really, they were doing an article on drinking on college campuses. They covered the parties. They covered the Beer-Pong tournaments. They didn’t cover that they themselves joined in on the drinking.
Which makes sense. When a reporter covers a baseball game, I expect him to give me the score. I don’t expect him to get an ‘at-bat’.
Editors just know these things. Besides, the reporters left behind too many clues. The bad spelling. The run on sentences. The accurate facts.
These are signs that an editor looks for.
So the guys are sad to be fired – but excited to be in the semifinals of Beer-pong.
Russian President Vladimir Putin is making headlines. He was quoted as saying that the collapse of the Soviet Union was a "genuine tragedy”. This really shocked the people in the audience.
He then went on to discuss other sad tragedies – such as running water, electricity and the discovery of the Polio vaccine.
Speaking of propaganda…
There’s a new ad blitz dismissing the “hype” over American Obesity.
The ads are sponsored by the US Food and Restaurant industries. The ads are in papers, on the radio and they are even selling t-shirts! In all honesty, the t-shirts aren’t selling very well. Mostly because they only come in “small”.
Could THAT be a factor? I don't know.
Today, they introduced their newest spokesperson – Michael Moore.
And how expensive lettuce really is.
Skin in the Salad. Fingertips in the chili? What’s happening to this country?
Maybe I’m just too old fashioned. Really.
I just believe its wrong to exchange body parts DURING dinner.
But that’s just me.
I’m thinking about suing McDonalds. I found something in my Big Mac I had never seen before – MEAT!
In Wisconsin, a man kept his mother’s frozen body in the freezer for several years after she died. This was discovered after a very tense standoff with police.
He said his mother years before was attacked by a cat and her blood was on the walls in the house they shared, and he feared police would think he killed her…”
Here’s where I don’t even have to make stuff up.
“He surrendered early Saturday without incident. Investigators found 15 to 20 homemade explosive devices, packed with nails, heavy staples and other metal items, a sawed-off shotgun along with 15 other firearms.”
This is depressing. Not only that he stuffed his dead mother in a freezer – but that real life can be so much funnier than anything I could ever make up.
Criminals get caught when they make stupid mistakes.
Neighbors suspected something was wrong when he kept offering his houseguests “momsicles”
Okay. Enough bad stuff.
Who says the department of Homeland Security is good for nothing? Besides everyone.
Just the other day they busted a guy at the Mexican border with over 800 pounds of bologna that he was trying to smuggle in. Illegally.
I'm also grateful for the fact that someone at Homeland Security realized that suitcases normally don’t weigh 800 pounds.
Unless they have airholes.
What the heck was he going to do with ilegal baloney? Is this how bad the ghetto has gotten?
"Psst. Kid. You buyin'? Whatchu want? Crack? Meth? Baloney?"
Speaking of giving kids the baloney, the Michael Jackson trial took a fun turn today. MJ had one of his lawyers fired. Oxman was the guy who they called the "sleeping lawyer", right? The guy who was sleeping during sessions.
There was a confrontation in the parking lot in full view of the press. Turns out that he had gotten fired before, but he kept coming back to the court house. When asked about being let go he answered, "I suspected I had been fired before - but I simply thought I had been dreaming."
Late last week, one of Michael's security guys testified that he brough him a jar of vaseline in the middle of the night. He testified that Michael had a young boy in his room. This doesn't look good for Michael - mostly because that's the man's job title" "Vaseline man."
Times have been tough for Michael financially. He only has the Umbrella Guy remaining. Four months ago he had to lay off The Watch.
Which explains why he sometimes arrives late.
Oh, and I’d like to end with a bit of good news.
The American military has cleared the soldiers accused of killing that Italian intelligence agent. As you know, the troops fired on an approaching vehicle carrying a rescued hostage – a reporter for a communist newspaper.
Italy may still not be satisfied with the results of the investigation. Our troops visited the Italian envoy to Iraq to deliver the report outlining the results.
In a bit of bad news – our troops accidentally shot him.
That's all for today.
April 25, 2005
FAQ on the Current Comment Crisis
Q. Why can't I comment on posts?
Q. Why aren't they working?
Q. When will they be working?
Q. What efforts are being made to get comments working again?
Q. That doesn't seem like that will fix anything.
Q. I never wanted to comment anyway.
Q. I guess we're both happy then.
Q. Hey, they're working now!
Q. Why did they stop working in the first place?
You could WIN!!!
Yes, you could win a million dollars just by being one of the first 20 people to respond to this post!!
Enter comments NOW!!!
What are you waiting for?
Disclaimer: Million dollars payable in Martian Currency (the earth rock) Payable one dollar a year for a million years. This offer void if comments manage to somehow come back on and people start leaving comments. Please post responsibly. Chances of winning are zero in a million.
Disclaimer's disclaimer. Martian Currency is used in all intergalactic transactions. Not valid in the United States or any country on planet Earth. Dollars may be redeemed on the Planet Dingle-don. Hee hee, Dingle-don.
Disclaimer disclaimer's disclaimer. Nobody knows why the comments are off. We ask for your patience and encourage the use of "imaginary comments." Try standing on a street corner and randomly yelling "First" at people. When they look at you weird just say, "Ha ha. LMAO!!"
Other Disclaimers. Neither RWD nor IMAO encourage the yelling at complete strangers. Although if you are at a nightclub and trying to talk to somebody, it might appear that you are yelling, when indeed the background noise is so loud that you would be stupid to speak in a regular voice.
Bolton Angry! Bolton Smash!
There has been lots of charges of John Bolton having an anger problem. This is quite common, and I came up with a list to tell whether your nominee for the U.N. ambasador has an anger problem. Luckily enough, the items are ten in number.
TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR NOMINEE FOR THE U.N. AMBASSADOR MAY HAVE AN ANGER PROBLEM
10. Upon his employment, there was a simultaneous increase in drywall repair and employee leave because of concussions.
9. Notch on his desk for every time he sent someone running out his office crying.
8. When he quickly raises his hand to scratch his temple, everyone in the office ducks and covers.
7. Has a slasher movie loosely based on his office conduct.
6. Chooses his office chair based on how easy it is to throw.
5. A disgruntled employee with an AK-47 was scared away when he saw your U.N. nominee berating a subordinate for improper stapling.
4. Has been known on bad days to walk around with a live grenade missing a pin in one hand.
3. Every time there is a paper jam, he smashes the laser printer against the copier.
2. Has never fired anyone, but has numerous former employees the police are still searching for.
And the number one sign your nominee for the U.N. ambassador may have an anger problem...
On rare, super-angry occasions, will stare someone down with his hands on his hips.
Comments seem to have broke. Considering that I didn't touch the website over the weekend, I'm not sure how it happened. Maybe it will be like when trackbacks were down and just magically fix itself one day. Until then, if you have a comment on any post, just use this feedback form.
Celeb-blogs: Prepare for the Worst
Hey kids! What do Walter Cronkite, Nora Ephron, Warren Beatty, Gary Hart, Vernon Jordan, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Diane Keaton, and Norman Mailer all have in common?
No, I mean other than the fact that they are mostly has-beens with a couple of...
No, I mean other than...
Forget it; I'll just tell you:
What the aforementioned lefty pseudo-celebs all have in common is that they (along with 250 other suckers) have been conned into working for free on a group blog to be launched in May by has-been lefty pundit Arianna Huffington.
Huffington was also able to con Ken Lerer, a has-been former exec at AOL-Time Warner and ten other rich people into funding Manhattan offices for the administration of her blog "The Huffington Post." Arianna has also conned Tribune Media Serivces into paying for syndication rights for all those insightful and nuanced musings on why America should be destroyed and rebuilt from the ground up from wealthy D-list actors.
Arianna's blog will "generate revenue through advertising" and will "provide a megaphone" for the celebs of politics and pop culture who feel that the leftist ideology of communist murderers from the last century just aren't getting enough exposure.
The super-rich leisure class in L.A. and N.Y. have just discovered blogs, kids. Prepare for the worst...
I Am One Super-Tolerant Mofo!
For various non-interesting reasons, I stumbled across Tolerance.org. These folks are cutting-edge PC thought police. Here's a selected quote that makes me giggle (especially the phrase I underlined):
As this guide shows, American English frequently both reflects and reinforces systems of oppression in U.S. society.
"Bark, Bark" said the moonbat (I'm sorry, that's probably specieist).
Anyway, clicking around I found out that I'm actually a tolerant and diverse kinda guy. They have this list under the 101 Tools for Tolerance section - 20 Ideas for Yourself, and it looks like I'm way ahead of the game. In the extended entry, I've rated my performance in therse areas:
1. Attend a play, listen to music or go to a dance performance by artists whose race or ethnicity is different from your own. "Purple haze, all in my brain!" Go, Jimi, go!
2. Volunteer at a local social services organization.
3. Attend services at a variety of churches, synagogues, mosques and temples to learn about different faiths.
4. Visit a local senior citizens center and collect oral histories. Donate large-print reading materials and books on tape. Offer to help with a craft project.
5.Shop at ethnic grocery stores and specialty markets. Get to know the owners. Ask about their family histories.
6. Participate in a diversity program.
7. Ask a person of another cultural heritage to teach you how to perform a traditional dance or cook a traditional meal.
8. Learn sign language.
9. Take a conversation course in another language that is spoken in your community.
10. Teach an adult to read.
11. Speak up when you hear slurs. Let people know that bias speech is always unacceptable.
12. Imagine what your life might be like if you were a person of another race, gender or sexual orientation. How might "today" have been different?
13. Take the How Tolerant are You? A Test of Hidden Bias. Enlist some friends to take this "hidden bias" test with you and discuss the results.
14. Take a Civil Rights history vacation. Tour key sites and museums.
15. Research your family history. Share information about your heritage in talks with others.
16. List all the stereotypes you can - positive and negative - about a particular group. Are these stereotypes reflected in your actions?
17. Think about how you appear to others. List personality traits that are compatible with tolerance (e.g., compassion, curiosity, openness). List those that seem incompatible with tolerance (e.g., jealousy, bossiness, perfectionism).
18. Create a "diversity profile" of your friends, co-workers and acquaintances. Set the goal of expanding it by next year.
19. Sign the Declaration of Tolerance and return it to:
20. Read a book or watch a movie about another culture.
Anyway, go check out the site. Perhaps you, too, will discover that you're more diverserrific and tolerantastic than you thought.
April 24, 2005
April 23, 2005
April 22, 2005
That's COMMISSIONER Reynolds to YOU!
After the "there's no steroids in baseball" hearings on Capitol Hill, rumor has it that Bud Selig will be getting sacked as baseball commissioner. Further rumor has it that he will be replaced by someone who has no history of messing with performance enhancers - Glenn Reynolds. If the rumors are true you can probably expect to see the following changes to Major League Baseball (listed in the extended entry):
No more goat-related curses are to be placed on any team without prior approval from the Commissioner and Satan.
Aluminum bats will allowed, as long as they're made from recycled aluminum cans previously collected by murdered hobos.
Umpires replaced by lawyers. Disputed calls will be argued before the organ player, with the winner indicated by the playing of "Baby Elephant Walk".
If a hitter is struck with a pitch, he will be allowed to take his base and beat the pitcher with it.
Bunting will be restricted to red, white, and/or blue.
Outfielders will be allowed to use skeet guns, but only on fly balls. For grounders, they must use a niblick.
To prevent player injury, beer will only be sold in plastic bottles, and all grenades must be non-fragmentary.
All hot dogs served in Major League ballparks must contain 100% AKC-registered ingredients.
No smoking will be allowed in any ballpark. Exceptions for spontaneous human combustion will be made on a case-by-case basis.
Players will no longer be allowed to spit tobacco juice. Exceptions for spitting on Jane Fonda will be made on a case-by-case basis.
Standing during the National Anthem will NOT be mandatory, but punching those who remain seated WILL be.
Any player caught using a 6-fingered glove will be referred to Baseball's Minister of Revenge for punishment. "Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You caught my line drive. Prepare to die.
Home plate will be shaped like a dodecahedron to celebrate Frank J's ascension to Overlordhood.
Instead of the home team automatically batting second during an inning, the visiting team will now have the option to Roshambo for it. (WARNING: Link contains nuts)
Players will no longer be allowed to yell, "Hey! Look behind you!" before attempting to steal a base.
If the game is tied after 9 innings of regulation play, the team's coaches may choose to decide the game with a battle of wits involving two glasses of wine and a vial of Iocaine powder.
Rule not applicable if one of the coaches is Sicilian.
Any Cubs fan who interferes with a ball in play will no longer be allowed to use the phrase "Just wait 'til next year!".
Remember, folks - ego-salving loser-whines are a privilege, not a right.
There's also a rumor that any player who goes out on strike will be summarily fired unless he performs the Robot Dance, but I think that only applies in Japan.
Carnival of Comedy Submissions
!!!! WARNING! CARNIVAL OF COMEDY UPDATE AHEAD !!!!
!!!! WRITTEN BY SOMEONE OTHER THAN FRANK J !!!!
!!!! DO NOT READ IF THIS WILL MAKE YOU CRY !!!!
!!!! OR SOIL YOURSELF !!!!
!!!!! I WARNED YOU !!!!!
Carnival of Comedy submissions are just a rolling on in. Rolling like a thing what rolls a lot.
Not sure if the correct descriptive term for the number of entries is a boatload or a truckload or trainload. Definitely not a bikeload, it would so totally crush a bike flat. But it is definitely a load of some sort.
Some real funny stuff there too. Keep 'em coming though! We want this carnival to have a carnival participation for the record books. If such a book was kept.
Good job so far. Its gonna be great!
Update: Sorry, forgot to link it.
No Time to DeLay
The evil of Representative Tom DeLay had been reaching my ears through my fish friends (I can talk to fish). Apparently he's been involved in perhaps more than the regular amount of malfeasance you'd expect from a politician. But who could stop him?
This sounds like a job for...
I heard he was having a meeting on a yacht (YES!!) with my evil, Republican arch-nemesis Black Manta. The yacht had been given to DeLay by a lobbyist, and I just knew the meeting was about how to get even more money by abusing his position.
Too bad an aquatic superhero was on to his schemes!
I decided to take them by the element of surprise. First, I needed two leashes that would fit sturgeons. Luckily, I had tons of those. So I tackled two sturgeons and got the leashes on them. Then I put a foot on each sturgeon and commanded them to swim as fast as they could towards the yacht. Just as we were about to the yacht, I told them to, "Leap! Leap, ye sturgeons! Leap!"
It worked! I was sailing in the air right over the yacht. They were going to be so surprised... if it weren't for some metal jutting out into my path. Or, at least I think that's what hit me. Next thing I knew, I was waking up in a hospital. Luckily, a Coast Guard helicopter spotted me lying unconscious in the water since I wear a bright orange shirt (actually, that's not luck; I learned that bright orange was a good idea early on in my career on account of the number of times I ended up unconscious, floating in the water).
You won this time, DeLay and Black Mantis, but I'll get you soon!
This is Aquaman, signing off.
Transcript Excerpt from the John Bolton Hearings
SENATOR BIDEN: We'll now bring in the next witness to testify about John Bolton's behavior. Will you please identify yourself.
AGENT JACK BAUER: My name is Jack Bauer, and I work for CTU in Los Angeles.
BIDEN: And you have met with John Bolton before?
BAUER: I have encountered him on numerous occasions. Most were not noteworthy, but one sticks in my mind. I’ll try to describe the events to you as they occurred in real time. I had detained a suspect and was in the middle of breaking his fingers to get information out of him...
SENATORETTE BARBARA BOXER: This was allowed under the Patriot Act?
BAUER: The what?
BIDEN: Never mind; go on.
BAUER: As I was in the middle of questioning the suspect, John Bolton approached me and spoke to me in a very angry manner.
BOXER: Did he raise his voice at you?
BAUER: No, but it was obvious he was angry from... well... his mannerisms.
BIDEN: Such as...
BAUER: Well... he had his hands on his hips. He looked angry.
BIDEN: And what happened next?
BAUER: I just couldn't take it. I was so distraught that I went home and took the rest of the day off, leaving my suspect handcuffed to a radiator.
BOXER: Talking to subordinates in such a way! This is unbelievable! How can we release this loose cannon on the U.N.?
BIDEN: Let's have our next witness. Could you please state your name and occupation, miss.
AGENT SYDNEY BRISTOW: My name is Sydney Bristow. I used to work for SD6, a terrorist organization that I was fooled into believing was part of the CIA. Then I actually worked for the CIA and helped bring down SD6 from the inside. I continued as an agent for the CIA until I woke up in Hong Kong and couldn't remember the past two years. Then...
BIDEN: Excuse me, but we don't need your life story. Suffice to say you are an intelligence agent, and you had encountered John Bolton before.
BRISTOW: Yes, on one occasion. During my career, I have been shot, beaten, betrayed by my own mother, but nothing compares (sobbing) to John Bolton. (continues sobbing)
BOXER: Take your time, but please tell us the story.
BRISTOW: I was tasked to retrieve an artifact in Burma. Things went wrong, though, and the mission was a failure. I retreated to my hotel where I ran into John Bolton in the hallway. He demanded answers from me, and I was not in the mood so I started to walk away. That's when he (sobbing) …when he chased me and... and... threw things at me.
BIDEN: What did he throw?
BRISTOW: I... I... don't quite remember it all. A plastic file folder hit in me in the face... that I'm sure of.
BIDEN: Were you injured?
BRISTOW: I was startled. (sobbing) I can't talk about this anymore...
BOXER: We understand.
BRISTOW: Let's call the next witness. What is your name, sir?
MI6 AGENT JAMES BOND: Bond... James Bond. Agent 007... license to kill. I work for MI6 in London.
BIDEN: And you have often shared intelligence with America?
BOND: Yes, I have many times worked with the Americans.
BIDEN: And one of those times involved John Bolton?
BOND: Correct. I'll never forget that 'stache. We were meeting in a bar to talk about an incident that both our governments were working on, and he offered to get drinks. I asked for a martini... shaken, not stirred. He soon returned with the drinks. Once I took a sip of the martini, it was apparent that it was prepared by... stirring.
BOND: Now, usually a bartender will prepare a martini by shaking even if you don't ask, so he most likely asked for it to be stirred just to slight me!
BIDEN: If Bolton treats foreign agents in such a manner, how can we expect him to work with the U.N.? So, Mr. Bond, what was the direct result of this? ...Bond? ...Bond? ...Mr. Bond, could you please stop trying to seduce Agent Bristow for a moment and finish describing the incident?
BOND: Oh, yes, certainly. Needless to say, I was unable to finish my drink. My feelings were so hurt by what he had done that I ran to my hotel room, curled up in a fetal position on my bed, and sobbed uncontrollably. Afterwards, I cheered myself up by making love to three beautiful women.
BIDEN: Mr. Bolton, do you have a response to any of the atrocities these intelligence agents have detailed?
JOHN BOLTON: @#$% you all and @#$% the U.N. So when do I start?
What is the spelling of "humor" in the U.K.?
It is how the "quality that makes something laughable or amusing" is represented through "the forming of words with letters in an accepted order" in the United Kingdom.
Remember the Advertisers
Haven't plugged my advertisers in a while, so I thought I'd start the morning off with it. I like to give them good click-thrus for the money, and hope you'll check out everyone in my blogads (that's all I ask for free funny).
In my patron spot is a documentary about Saddam Hussein's actual use of WMD's against his own people and includes evidence that will be used in the trial against him. The documentary also has an ambush interview with Michael Moore and commentary from Victor David Hanson.
That reminds me: I still have my copy of Michael Moore Hates America to watch and review.
Other than checking on my blogads, remember to buy my t-shirts. Preorders of the new U.N. one have been brisk, but I checked the sales numbers against everyone, and everyone has yet to preorder it. Do you all think the U.N. is extremely proficient and shouldn't change a thing?
BTW, is there anything you're looking for in a future t-shirt, like a certain topic to touch on or anything else? Usually your ideas suck when I ask this (no periwinkle t-shirts!), but I thought I'd try anyway.
April 21, 2005
sic semper tyranus
Guest Blogger Kelly here. I had some ideas to improve on previous posts, so the egalitarian imao.us crew gave me the chance to do so. We the people have spoken! Now, eat of the fruits of my labors . . .
Spacemonkey has placed it on me to announce, so announce I will!
IMAO, in its super genius, has decided to host links from various blogs and other sites - something we are calling a "carnival". We will focus on humor, so we are calling this the "Carnival of Comedy".
You can submit entries through this site by selecting "Carnival of Comedy". Just make sure they are funny. They can be from your own blog or other things out there on the net that are laugh-out-loud fun.
If the links you send us are not funny, we will be angry - except for Ducky who will cry. So make good humor links.
Do so now!
UPDATE: Carnival of Comedy FAQ is here. All praise the flying monkey from space!
RWD's News Round-Up, Thursday
Yo Soy RightWingDuck, y vengo a compartir las noticias.
Merry Christmas ... Oops. I meant good afternoon. Curse my horrible English as a Second Language!!
Arnold Schwarzenegger today apologized for a remark he made where he said that California should close the borders to Mexico because it was creating a big mess.
He apologized to an offended state congressman saying that "English is my second language and I meant SECURE not CLOSE the borders, you bitch - I mean -sir."
Arnold is so spineless when it comes to taking a position. How pathetic.
What I meant to say is that the governor is doing a great job and he should just keep it up.
Pope Benedict XVI is coming under scrutiny for having been part of the Hitler Youth. What's worse - today it was discovered that for a brief period of time - he was also an Episcopalian!!
Nobody talks about the good part about his youth. Did you know that he once had a band called Ratzi and the Cool Cats? No, of course you didn't! I just made that up!! But he does play the piano.
Some are saying he took the name Benedict to fulfill an ancient prophecy. Sometimes people make things so complicated. He chose the name based on his favorite morning food. He almost chose the name Pope Sunny Side Up.
Ahem. Moving on.
In South Korea, elephants made an escape from their holding pens and ran wild through the city of Seoul.
Sadly, one elephant ran into ALLEY and hit a 52 year old woman. More sadness-she didn't want people to know how old she was.
Customer #1: Can you pass me the salt?
Customer #2. I would, but something that's not here just put it in it's trunk.
Customer #1:Should we give it a peanut?
Customer #2: Give what a peanut?
Customer #1: I agree!
Folks, this is so not cool. Spitting tobacco is gross. If you disagree with someone, do the civilized thing. Smack them with a pie.
Oh, airline stuff!!
US Airways had an internet screw-up and ended up selling round trip tickets for just $1.86.
"A dollar eighty six? Pssht. You got robbed. Ninety Eight Cents buddy AND a free upgrade to business class!"
It's weird when you get that low a price – everything afterwards seems so expensive.
"FOUR dollars for a drink? That's TWICE what I paid for my ticket."
Tragically, sadly – the iceberg did not have enough lifeboats! Oh the humanity.
You know what else the satellite photos captured? Icebergs gone wild!! Wow, is there no limit to today’s technology?
You know, sometimes I think, "How stupid of people to gather around to see a stain…" but then I see people in Kansas City lining up to buy Jane Fonda's book…
In all honesty, for the longest time I would see an image of Mickey Mouse on the side of my toast each morning. It bothered me so much that my wife ditched the Mickey Mouse toaster and bought Hello Kitty.
That wasn't too much better.
Sometimes. Late at night.
I can hear her little Hello Kitty voice talking to me, saying…
"Kill the dog."
Enjoy your day!
Follow the Food Pyramid or Face the Mummy's Curse
The government has released a new food pyramid to help Americans eat right, but why have a new food pyramid when I, Frank J., have uncovered an ancient one that is greater than all. An illustration of it is here:
Announcement Coming Up
An announcement is coming up.
Is it a big announcement? Well, big enough to merit a pre-announcement announcement. So THAT should tell you something.
We'll be announcing it soon. But untill then...the shroud of darkness will continue to distort your perceptions.
And no, it's not what you're thinking. And it's not the other thing you are thinking either. The thing you started thinking after I told you it wasn't the first OR the second? The third thing.
That's it! You got it! How'd you know? Amazing! ...Nahhh spacemonkey's just kidding. It's not that either.
It's the thing you're NOT thinking. Ok? All clear?
Spacemonkey hates to leave you with nothing to do while you're waiting for the announcement, almost as much as he hates speaking of himself in the third person. Sooooo, you could always click our patron ads, buy some wonderful IMAO t-shirts, leave some witty comments, get a sandwich, get spacemonkey a sandwich, easy on the mayo, heavy on the bacon.
Y'know stuff you were going to do anyway. The announcement is coming up soon though!
Does the Pope @#$% in the Woods?
A little commentary, if I may.
You know the phrase: "Is the pope Catholic?" It's supposed to be a rhetorical question, but, apparently if you asked that to some people a few days ago, they would have just stared at you with this dumb expression on their faces, not sure what the answer is.
All the (generated) controversy over Pope Benedict XVI is that he's a hardliner against abortion, against euthanasia, against ordaining women, against homosexual activity, and against priests marrying. In other words, THE POPE IS CATHOLIC!!!
Yes, a Catholic was actually elected as pope; who knew?
Well, I say, if you forgot to vote in the papal conclave, you don't have a right to complain.
let your voice be heard . . .
Those of you who read sarahk's website (all fifteen of you :D ) know that FrankJ recently purchased a decked out karaoke machine that has recording capabilities. He's already cut half a dozen gems, including a kick ass cover of Free Bird that has to be heard to be believed. He's asked that I design an album cover so that he can sell a CD in the imao.us store. I'm having trouble narrowing the field down--which one do you like best? . . .
April 20, 2005
Rummy in the 'Stan
Last week Donald Rumsfeld visited Afghanistan.
This week, Donald Rumsfeld met with reporters to discuss his activities there. A transcript of the press conferece follows in the extended entry.
Rumsfeld: Good afternoon. Please excuse the fact that I'm drenched in blood from head to toe. I guess that this would be a good time to remind you guys that ettiquette requires you to knock to check if a men's room stall is empty, rather than just pushing the door open. Don't make me teach anyone else this lesson before I can get my knife re-sharpened. Meanwhile, you sissy-pants pencil-pushers can start asking me questions while I sharpen my knife...
ABC: Secretary Rumsfeld, I think you're lying about being in Afghanistan. I was there and I didn't see you. What were you REALLY doing last week?
Rumsfeld: Your wife. But after I paid her the quarter, I went to Afghanistan to do a grip & grin with the troops, and I can prove it... [holds up severed terrorist head]... [inhales deeply]... I love that smell... smells like victory, don't it boys?
NBC: Or a little like Wendy's chili... but what about reports of troops not having enough body armor? Doesn't this prove that war is wrong and that America is evil?
Rumsfeld: Well, if by "is evil" you mean "has too many skinflint, ass-weasel Democrats in office who won't pony up necessary funds for the troops", then yes. Good question. I like you. I'll kill you last.
NBC: And a follow-up question: what about reports of troops not having enough body armor?
Rumsfeld: That's the same question... You didn't even change the words around... which means that technically, it's not a follow-up, and I don't have to kill you last anymore, either. [throws knife at reporter which buries itself up to the hilt between his eyes]
NBC: But what about what about reports of troops not having enough body armor?
Rumsfeld: Didn't I just kill you?
NBC: I'm a reporter. You threw a knife into my brain. It's not like you damaged any vital organs.
Rumsfeld: You don't die easily. I like that. I'll kill you last. And I'll even answer your question. We're working on the body armor problem. Even as we speak, all your cars are being confiscated and chopped into 6-inch squares.
NBC: But body armor is made of ceramic plates, not steel.
Rumsfeld: I'm sorry, what made you think my last two sentences were connected? Next question...
CBS: Besides body armor, what else are you doing to protect the troops from the patriots opposing Bush's illegal war for oil?
Rumsfeld: Just to clarify a point, the illegal war for oil is in Iraq. The only natural resource in Afghanistan is building-rubble, but we're working to illegally steal that, too. Meanwhile, I've been instructing the troops in new close-quarter combat techniques. For example, say the enemy is approaching you with some sort of disguised weapon... say, in the shape of a piece of fresh fruit... You! Come at me with that banana!
REUTERS: Huh? OHHHH no! I've seen Monty Python.
Rumsfeld: I fail to see what "Let's Make a Deal" has to do with anything. Just come at me.
REUTERS: You'll shoot me!
Rumsfeld: I promise not to shoot you.
REUTERS: Well... ok... [waves banana feebly at Rumsfeld]
Rumsfeld: Come AT me, man! Show a little testicular fortitude!
REUTERS: Uh... Grrrr!... uh... Fear my banana of death!
Rumsfeld: ...at which point I defend myself by tearing his leg off...
Rumsfeld: ...and clubbing him to a bloody pulp with it. The advantages to this method are that even if some mainstream media weenie tries to squeal on you, surveys show that the general population no longer believes media reports of clubbing deaths. Next question.
MSNBC: You said "advantages"... what's the other advantage?
Rumsfeld: Free bananas... [biting into blood-spattered fruit]... Neft quefthun...
CNN: Recently there have been numerous reports of Al Jazeera reporters being strangled by someone calling himself the "Don Al Drumsfeld Strangler". Is he working for US Special Forces or is he a local muslim vigilante?
Rumsfeld: Yes, I strangled them.
CNN: Why are you avoiding the question?
Rumsfeld: I will now avoid the question by strangling you because you're stupid [nonchalantly strangles reporter]...
Rumsfeld: Anyway, back to close combat - here's another trick... if you're surrounded by the enemy, you can always throw an explosive object in their midst to kill them all... like - for example - this podium...
[hurls podium into crowd of reporters, causing them to scatter like minnows]
Rumsfeld: Now as you can see, the podium didn't explode because - as anyone who's smart enough to get into any college courses besides journalism knows - podiums aren't explosive. However, since our enemy is - just like you reporters here today - incredibly stupid, they will run away from the podium and trip the claymore mines set up around the perimeter of the room.
[series of explosions from the perimeter of the room]
Rumsfeld: Any more questions?
NBC: You... you killed EVERYBODY!
Rumsfeld: That is NOT true!... [unholsters .44 magnum] *BLAM!*... now I've killed everybody... and I told you I'd kill you last.
Rumsfeld: And that concludes this press conference... Hey, McClellan! Clean up on aisle 3! Grab the wet-vac & get to work, tubby!
Catholics are happy with the new Pope, Benedict the XVI, and liberals are hopping mad. They say things like, “Why him?”, and “Nazi” and “Why did they have to choose somebody so religious?”
Now Pope John Paul II kicked butt. The people loved him.
Central Message: Do not be afraid. Life is precious.
Celebrated Mass by: Celebrating Mass
Pro :Delivered the Gospel to the four corners of the earth.
Con: Should have spoken more English
Verdict: A good and faithful servant.
This got me to thinking – WHO WOULD THE LEFT CHOOSE?
Let’s run through the list of candidates.
Papal Candidate: Barbra Streisand
Central Message: People who need people
Celebrates Mass by: Performing at concerts with overpriced tickets.
Pro: Her pro-abortion pro choice platform. Her high standing in the homosexual community. Her ability to look wonderful with appropriate lighting.
Con: Insists that God perform as her opening act. Also, female but you can hardly tell. Some say she’s Jewish, but so was Jesus.
Verdict: Good potential. Could be the first Pope to go Double Platinum.
Central Message: I served in Vietnam
Celebrates Mass by: Reminding people that there is a God but that he probably never served in Vietnam.
Pro: Although technically married, as pope, he could always get an annulment and wipe his record clean -like he did with his war record. Pro-choice. Birth control poster child.
Con: Pope Kerry could be the first pope in church history to reverse every single policy in Church history. And then change back again. Also must factor in Swift Boat Catholics for Truth.
Verdict: Help is not on the way.
Central Message: Are the cameras on?
Celebrates Mass by: Reading the book of John and rhyming every verse. “In the beginning was the Word, have you heard? Tell a bird.”
Pro: May actually - at one point in his life -have read the Holy Bible. Would bring affirmative action to the Papacy.
Con: The church could afford to support him and his wife. However, there would be the additional burden of supporting his mistress.
Verdict: Good potential. Consider.
Central Message: How YOU doin’?
Celebrates Mass by: Holding a Passover BBQ Pool Party and chasing interns.
Pro: Loved by liberals everywhere. Pro Choice. Pro Birth Control. Already used to adoring throngs everywhere he goes. Sorority outreach programs.
Con: Neither Bill nor Hillary appear to be Catholic. Also, the Clintons’ deal with Satan might be a conflict of interest.
Verdict: We’d have the first Papal Declaration with a centerfold. We feel his love.
Central Message: Do what you want. Who’s gonna know?
Celebrates Mass by: selling “I had an abortion” t-shirts.
Pro: As a fallen angel, he knows all that religious stuff. He's Pro Choice. He's cool with the gay thing. Heck, if it feels good – just do it.
Con: Deal with Hillary might be a conflict of interest. Tends to hold conventions in very sordid places like Purgatory, Hell and Las Vegas.
Verdict: WINNER!! Hey, what’s not to love?
So there you have it. After having run through all the potential candidates – we finally have one that the Left would truly love and respect.
Remember this when you hear them whine about having a Pope that’s too religious. Hey, Benedict XVI won’t live forever.
Let the campaigning begin!
In My World: Walking on the Sun
"We announce the new pope, Pope Benedict XVI," said a cardinal.
The pope stepped forward, wearing his pope hat and holding his pope staff.
"How do you react to charges that you are a hardliner?" asked a reporter.
"Pope Power!" the pope shouted as he raised his staff. Light shot up from the beam into the sky. All was silent for a few moments, and then a giant beam shout down from the heavens blowing up the press corp.
"I like this new pope," Bush said as he watched the T.V., "Hopefully we can work with him."
"What do I care?" Rumsfeld growled, "I'm not Catholic! I never liked Christians with all their 'love' and 'peace.' Me, I worship Ares, god of war. Oh, great Ares, what do you command of me?"
Chomps barked in response.
"It shall be done!" Rumsfeld swore.
Tom DeLay ran into the room. "The Democrats and the press are out to get me!" he cried.
"What are they doing?" Bush asked.
"They keep talking about how I hire all my relatives, how I take gifts and bribes from lobbyists, how I do favors for the mafia, and how I make my interns rob liquor stores."
"But every politician does that!" Bush yelled angrily.
"Just bash the Democrats heads in with rocks," Rumsfeld suggested.
"Last time I did that, the press was extra mean to me," DeLay whined.
"We need a more thought out, diplomatic solution," Bush said, "Let's trick the Democrat leadership into a rocket and fire it into the sun. To NASA!"
* * * *
"It was very expensive to make a rocket with enough fuel capacity to launch that many people into space on a course to the sun," the NASA director complained, "Plus, getting a big sign that said, 'Welcome Democrats to Meeting About How to Use Represenative Tom DeLay as a Wedge Issue' from Kinkos wasn't cheap. If you could have come up with a sign with fewer words in it, you could have saved NASA some money."
Bush slapped the director. "I control the money; I do what I wan'!"
"Quiet; the Democrats are coming!" DeLay called out, and everyone hid behind some shrubbery.
"Well, here we are at the meeting!" said one Democrat, "I'm sure by constantly attacking Tom DeLay we can get back into power!"
"Let's continue this discussion in the meeting room that strangely looks like a rocket," stated another Democrat.
Once they all entered the rocket, Bush gave the signal. The hatch to the rocket then closed and it launched up into the air. "Have fun in the sun, ya bastards!" DeLay yelled at it.
"That's tell'n 'em!" Bush laughed. He then noticed he was surrounded by the press.
"Did you just launch the Democratic leadership into the sun?" one reporter asked.
"No, that's crazy," Bush answered, "but, if you head into the press room, I'll answer all your questions and more. Just head along, and I'll be in soon after."
"Fine," the press said grudgingly as they headed for the press room, though one remarked, "Doesn't this sorta look like a rocket?"
I noticed a debate in the comments of the post I did of a Ratzinger quote (it's from before he became pope). I thought I'd throw this in the mix. It's a trace of the human genome starting in Africa until it reaches all continents (except Antarctica) around 10,000 or so years before present day (the day we all get presents!).
Anyhoo, in the 60,000-55,000 B.C. section under "Era Overview" it says:
The tree of human genetic diversity has, at its root, "Adam" - the common male ancestor of every living man. Because he lived in Africa some 60,000 years ago, all humans must have lived there until at least that time.
Now, if you're going to use Biblical terms, isn't that actually Noah going by that description?
Also, question for those who know: Isn't the Y chromosome passed unchanged from father to son, and the only reason it would ever be different is from random mutation?
UPDATE: Nevermind. Found I was right here. Mitochondrial DNA is also passed unchanged (except by mutation) from the mother to her children.
April 19, 2005
American Idol top 7
What a beating. Seacrest says '70s dance music, and I say where's the barf bag? Now, I'm not a '70s dance music hata, but that means yet another week of Scott boring me with a nondescript song and Anthony doing a bad dance in too-tight pants.
Constantine 01 - "Nights on Broadway" by the BeeGees. I love the BeeGees (shut up). Is the sound bad again tonight, or is it just Constantine? And if it's the sound, isn't this the fifth or sixth time, and shouldn't that guy have been fired by now? I thought Constantine was good but not fantastic, but Simon was more harsh than I would have been.
Note to AI judges: Y'all have the absolute suckiest vocabularies in the history of man. If all Randy can come up with is "Oh My ---" and all Paula can come up with is to repeat "Oh My ---", please, someone, get them a dictionary, a thesaurus, something not so blasphemous.
Carrie 02 -- "Macarthur Park" by Donna Summer. Color me cringing, the hair is back. The dress is horribly pink and sparkly, and the tomboy in me wants to run screaming from the rose parade. Anyway, she sounded awesome, though the beginning was a tinge rough.
Scott 03 -- "Everlasting Love" -- Nondescript, boring, I can't wait for him to go.
Paula needs to be smacked on the back of the head, and I'd love for Simon to be the one to do it. Does she even know how to criticize? Or stand up straight? Or not appear high?
Anthony 04 -- "Don't Take Away the Music" -- He's wearing brown, but he's doing that squat dancy step thingy. Oh, oh, oh, we have to keep him around another week to see him do that moonwalk/cabbage patch wonky combo. I liked the vocal.
SIMON: ... and a bit insipid.
Vonzell 05 -- "I'm Every Woman" -- Her shirt looks like a paint by number that got away from little Johnny. But wow, she did a splendid job.
Anwar 06 -- "September" -- Anwar won't need to go shopping, because '70s seems to be his standard wardrobe, yay for cost savings. The backup singers are overpowering Anwar, shame on them. That was okay, but nothing outstanding.
Bo 07 -- "Vehicle" -- Well he is back with the energy and rockin' the house like he should be... if only I wasn't recoiling from all that taking of the Lord's name in vain. Bad song, great performance.
My order tonight:
Did You Know...
...black is the absence of light.
...cold is the absence of heat.
...progressivism is the absence of reason.
...neglecting the curve of the earth, if you drop a bullet at the same time you fire a bullet straight forward, both will hit the ground at the same time.
...neglecting the curve of the earth, the flat-earthers are right.
...the scientific name for a gorilla is gorilla gorilla.
...the gorilla was named by Boutros Boutros-Ghali.
...laser is actually an acronym for Light Amplification by Stimulated Emission of Radiation.
...you can stimulate emission of radiation using magnetic fields or through sinful behavior.
...cigarettes are the leading cause of lung cancer.
...the first statement by a chimp in space was, "EEE!!!"
...that was actually an errant version of the line planned by NASA of, "OOH!!! OOH!!!"
...while hyenas sound like they're laughing, they're really crying on the inside.
...the blue whale is the largest animal on land or sea.
...if limited to land, the largest animal is Michael Moore.
...you'd think you'd get tired of Michael Moore fat jokes, but you don't.
...Michael Moore is smelly and unshaven too, but I didn't have a joke for that.
…at this moment.
...ninjas can tell the time of day from a cat's eyes.
...ninjas can tell wind speed by kicking a cat into the air.
...you can tell a ninja's mood by how high you see cats flying.
...they call those who select the pope the "papal conclave" even though they're selecting a pope, not a pape.
...it takes a new pope a couple of weeks to get used to wearing the hat.
...John Paul I never did get used to it.
...the war in Iraq is all part of a Zionist conspiracy.
...the Zionist conspiracy was started by Moses. What Moses left out of the Bible was how the burning bush said how much he wanted to steal Iraq's oil.
...the meek shall inherit the earth.
...I don't when the strong will be done with it, though. Probably after all the oil is used up.
...there is no spoon.
...there are chopsticks.
...every so often in earth's history, the poles reverse.
...so, if you see the Polish walking backwards one day, don't get all freaked out.
...the reason there are ice caps at the poles on earth is because it's cold there.
...the reason there are ice caps at the poles on Mars is unknown.
...the unit representing the flammability of a monkey is called the Fleming.
...the average gorilla gorilla has a flammability of 3.67 Flemings.
...that's a gorilla, in case you forgot.
...if it bleeds, you can kill it.
...if it moves, you can use the interstate commerce clause to tax and regulate it.
...you will die.
...unless you're raptured.
...if I do get raptured, I hope when I ask others what dying was like, they don't just say, "It's just something you have to experience for yourself."
...at the buffet in Heaven, there are at least three types of gravy.
...technically, these should all have a question mark after them.
...a lot of these don't even make since if you say, "Did you know..." before them.
...like this one.
...the NY Times once published an editorial ridiculing the idea that a rocket could work in space.
...they were still much more accurate back then.
...technically, a honeybee shouldn't be able to fly.
...I have as much spite for physics as honeybees.
...I still can't fly, though.
...I mean, not with a comfortable amount of leg room.
...if apes could vote, some polling booths may be located in trees which would be inconvenient for the rest of us.
...a samurai would kill a peasant just for walking in his shadow.
...a samurai would also kill a peasant if the peasant ran up and punched him in the nads.
...the samurai would probably bounce on his heels a few times first.
...politics have just been so boring lately.
...if the White House has first nominated a rabid wolverine as ambassador to the U.N., then Bolton would seem like a moderate in comparison and sail through the process.
...no one listens to me.
Monkey Joins AZ SWAT Team, FrankJ Outraged
DATELINE MESA, ARIZONA (9:25 A.M. MOUNTAIN TIME)
The Associated Press heaped praise on the varmint, noting that "dressed in a Kevlar vest, video camera, and two-way radio, the small monkey would be able to get into places no officer or robot could go."
FrankJ immediately responded to the story with: "Notice that they didn't give it a gun? The dumbest thing anyone could do is give a monkey a gun. Give a monkey a gun and who's gonna stop Earth from turning into Planet of the Apes? I mean, Chuck Heston just isn't at 100% anymore..."
Most leftist news services around the world have been largely supportive of the SWAT team monkey, but in a surprising break from the pack, the Hollywood trade mag Variety slammed the Mesa, AZ PD's choice in monkeys noting that the capuchin "got Marion Ravenwood captured by the Nazis, almost got Indiana Jones killed, and was a real pain in the neck for the entire overpaid and overrated cast of Friends."
Save Mars NOW!
It has been known for years that Mars, the planet not the candy bar, has carbon dioxide in its atmosphere.
Now there is evidence that methane also exists in the martian atmosphere.
As any good little tree hugger will tell you about carbon dioxide and methane,'THOSE ARE GREEN HOUSE GASES!' The all caps simulate the pain caused by being crushed by a bulldozer or logging machine.
I want to be the first to say we must act to order to SAVE MARS NOW. Those green house gases must be reduced. Else all the coastal cities on Mars could be flooded with frozen seawater caused by colliding meltingglaciertsunamicaines.
SAVE MARS NOW! The danger is real. All liberals, heed the call and tie yourselves to a rocket today so we can SAVE MARS NOW!
It doesn't have to be a rocket on the way to Mars either. Because we can meet up in orbit at the International House of Planetsavers and all carpool aboard a Mars-bound rocket, so we can all SAVE MARS NOW!
SAVE MARS NOW, because if we wait till the day after tomorrow IT MAY BE TOO LATE!
SAVE MARS NOW!
RWD's News Round-Up, Tuesday
Woohoo! I’m back.
I’m done with doing taxes. Things got a little “iffy” there at the end. I’m not saying I was desperate for deductions, but if anyone asks, Harvey and Spacemonkey are my dependants.
Okay. So let’s see what’s been happening.
Personally, I was shocked at the latest developments in the Michael Jackson trial. The accuser’s mother took the stand and yelled, 'Michael Jackson has fooled the world."
Then I thought about it long and hard. She might be right. I’ve never really notice it, but now that I stop to think about it – it’s all very clear.
I think Michael Jackson has had some sort of plastic surgery.
Man, he had me fooled. It just looked so natural. I always assumed that as you got older – your face melted.
You know what I thought about the other day? I was watching MJ walk into court. He's got a melted face – he dresses flamboyantly, and he talks funny. I don’t think he’s a child molester. He's a super villain looking for a midget sidekick!!!
MJ: To the laboratory, McCauley! Our plan is almost ready!
McCauley : (Playing video game) Huh?
MJ: I said, my plan is almost ready. Soon, the whole world will think I had to sell my Beetles catalogue.
McCauley: (Playing video game) Huh?
MJ: But now, when they hear it, my subliminal suggestions will guide them to buy even more Michael Jackson records!! Bwu hahahahah.
McCauley: (Playing video game) Huh?
MJ: Screw this! Do you have a brother?
President Bush threw out the first pitch for Washington's new baseball team, the Nationals.
He didn't one hop it, but it was a decent throw. Afterwards John Kerry railed on Bush saying, “I could have done much better. He didn’t have a plan!”
The stadium is nice. They have some interesting seating options: Field Level, Plaza, and Protest sections.
Of course, like any protest seating, you want to make sure you sit in a good place. I recommend Bush Lied or if not, try Bush is Hitler. It’s really far to the left, but you’re close to the hot dogs.
The D.C. reporters don't have any experience covering baseball, so they're recycling quotes that they’ve used for President Bush. So the local papers have color commentary such as,
The manager didn't have a plan for winning the game. He should have consulted with his allies.
His mismanagement has led to a decline in his poll numbers.
He stole the manager’s position! The real manager should be Al Gore!!
Hahahaha. Al Gore.
Or as they say in West Virginia… AL GORE!!
Did you hear about this? English is now the official language of West Virginia.
This is a great way for organizations to save money. Now Senator Byrd can send out Klan brochures in only one language.
Hee hee. Just kidding. If Byrd wants to send a message, he doesn't need words. He can simply burn a cross on your lawn.
Villaraigosa is leading in the polls BIG TIME.
Normally in LA, when you see a Latino running that far ahead of a white guy, the police tackle him and beat him with flashlights.
You guys might not know about this. The LAPD is now switching over to a lighter, smaller flashlight after several documented cases where officers used them to bash people!
Don’t get me wrong. They’ll still beat you – but now they have to put more shoulder into it.
That is too cool. I loved him on "Cheers."
Ratzinger, eh? Well, far be it for the NYT to be off base when it comes to religious issues.
The Vatican took a lot of precautions in ensuring that no spying took place.
Italian security swept the area and all was clean. So now nobody from the outside world can hear the Cardinals when they look outside their windows and ask, "What's that van doing in the driveway? Is that a diaper service truck?”
Or as Harry Reid would call it – “The Nuclear Option.”
They’ll signal to the world that the new pope has been chosen by sending out white smoke through the chimney. Hopefully, there won’t be any false alarms like last time when the two Cardinals from Australia were standing at the fireplace, roasting marshmallows.
False alarms always send people into a panic.
China recently sponsored the Pig Olympics. In it, pigs compete in events such as running, swimming, and diving. They got the idea from watching the Arkansas pig Olympics. The Chinese event was basically the same. I guess the big difference is that China probably didn’t have a sex scandal.
I can't hear you laugh. So post in comments and let me know what got a giggle out of you.
Do you have an interesting news bit? Email it to me at rightwingduckatyahoodotcom.
Thanks for visiting.
The Symbolism of Group Blogging
Once upon a time, Frank J. had the funniest blog in the blogobuckyball.
Then he invited some other people to join him.
Is that symbolic of the Seven Deadly Sins?
The Seven Dwarves?
The castaways on Gilligan's Island?
And what does that make Frank J?
April 18, 2005
Links of the Day
The Countertop Chronicles has the latest Carnival of the Recipes. Yummm...
Carnival of Cordite is up at Resistance is Futile!
John Hawkins has lists of blogs that the big bloggers read. Hmm, he didn't ask me for my picks, so I'm not sure this is a good list. ;-)
Here's an analysis of the papal vote by a computer security guru. Conclusion: extremely hard to hack.
Speaking of hacking, some pranksters got admitted to an MIT scientific conference by sending in gibberish; they tricked their way in because they "were tired of the spam". Go read, it's funny. (Thanks to Wonky Beca for the tip.)
Frank Advice on Picking the Pope
Selecting the new pope is an important process, so important I wrote a haiku about it:
Time for a new pope.
Now for precise pope picking, it's best to wait for influence from the Holy Spirit. That may take too long, though, so I bet many cardinals are turning to IMAO for advice, and I won't disappoint.
FRANK TIPS FOR PICKING THE POPE
* The pope should be as much like Jesus as possible. That means picking someone who is Jewish.
* Make sure whomever you select isn't actually a bear in disguise because then he may maul someone and be an embarrassment for the Catholic Church.
* Usually you want to select one of the cardinals to be pope, but, if things are taking too long, just open a window and shout, "Hey, kid; you wanna be the pope?"
* Though usually this is restricted to nuns, it would be cool if the new pope could fly. Then he could dive bomb heathens.
* The pope should probably know the scripture... or at least scanned the parts highlighted in red.
* The pope should be well versed in ninjitsu in case Satan's minions attack in the form of ninjas. The pope staff could be a great weapon in the right hands.
* You may think you found the right person to be pope, but try to imagine him in a big pointy hat and make sure it’s flattering before finalizing your vote.
* Whoever is chosen should be well-versed in pop-culture so he can condemn it more vigorously.
* While who can juggle the most vials of holy water at the same time shouldn't be the sole criteria for selecting the pope, it should be considered.
* Remember that it's now the norm for the pope to do lots of travel, so make sure who you pick is signed up for frequent flyer miles.
* While it's tempting to vote for a cardinal who has a cool, tricked-out car, remember that the pope gets the pope-mobile anyway. Then again, if that cardinal was elected pope, I guess he wouldn't need his cool, tricked-out car anymore…
* Make sure who you select will continue the conservative norms of the church. Don't elect Skeeter pope despite all his crazy-cool ideas.
* Let's say the minions of hell attack the Vatican in masse. Can you imagine who you are voting for leading the charge against them with holy shotgun in hand?
* Make sure to make some progress on voting each day and not just spend the entire time locked up playing X-Box.
* In the end, selection of the pope is just a popularity contest. Make sure to vote for the same guy everyone else is so the other cardinals will think you are cool.
* If needed, pray to God for a sign to help in selecting the pope. Make sure to ask for a definitive sign like an angel appearing - not just lightning or a dove. It's pope selecting time, God, so let's not be lazy on the miracles.
* If all else fails in selecting a new pope, there is always the ancient tradition of the disco dance competition.
Now get pope picking!
For those wondering, since I am the unquestioned ruler of the blogodocecahedron, it is perfectly permissible that I haven't posted since Thursday. I shall post something soon, and you shall all be grateful for what your overlord has given you.
New Pope: The First 100 Days
Since the election of FDR, anyone who assumes a new office is expected to do exciting things during their first 100 days. The newly elected Pope is no exception. In the extended entry, I've placed my guesses on what the new Pope will accomplish in his first 100 days:
* Since George W. Bush has made "cowboy" a compliment instead of a term of derision, expect the Pope to start wearing a Stetson. Possibly a pointy one
* The Pope will release a new version of the Bible to reflect more modern language usage. For example "thee" and "thou" will be replaced by "youse" and "y'all".
* Holy water will be clearly labeled "Atkins-friendly: 0 Net Carbs!"
* Also look for new "Holy Water with Lime". Perfect for Holy Margaritas
* All exorcisms will include a free "God roolz, Satan droolz" T-shirt.
* To increase its popularity, instead of Lent being a season of sacrifice where you have to give up your favorite activity, the faithful will be encouraged to instead acquire a new bad habit. YAY! Fornication!
* Catholic Bishops will be replaced by more valuable Catholic Rooks.
* Mass will no longer only be said in Latin, but will include other dead languages like Aramaic and Canadian.
* Catholic priests still won't be allowed to marry. However, they will be allowed to be incessantly nagged by nuns, which is pretty much the same thing.
* Sacramental wine will be replaced with Red Bull.
* Rosaries will now be made from yellow plastic and say "Pray Strong".
* To appease the Irish Catholics, baptisms will now be performed using Guinness Beer instead of Holy Water.
* The Kennedy family will still be allowed to use Holy Gin, though.
* Jane Fonda will be declared "official urinal target" of the Vatican.
* Curb-feelers & fuzzy dice for the Popemobile.
* Doritos Cool Ranch Eucharist.
* All confession of sins must now be sung to the tune of "Ave Maria".
* Or possibly "She Bangs".
* Cat-blogging will be declared a mortal sin.
* HA! Let's see Frank J. "Hail Mary" his way out of that one!
You could bet me I'm wrong on some of these, but gambling's a sin. So unless you want to end up in a fiery pit next to Frank, you'll keep your yaps shut!
April 16, 2005
Pocket Guide to the Differences Between Frank and Harvey
In the comments to this post, loyal IMAO reader jimmyb got confused while reading one of my posts and mistakenly attributed it to Frank J. Since confused readers are like cockroaches, I have to assume that if I see one, there are thousands more hiding in the walls, just waiting to sneak into my kitchen in the middle of the night to lay their eggs in my Honey Nut Cheerios.
In order to educate these befuddled folks as a delaying tactic while I try to find that can of Raid (or hairspray and a lighter - whichever), I offer (in the extended entry) this:
Harvey - married for 6 years, beats his wife regularly.
Frank - not married, not sleeping with his fiancé, beats something else regularly.
Harvey - has a full beard
Frank - has two chin whiskers and arranges them in a bad comb-over - fools no one.
Harvey - spent six years in the Navy, travelling around the world and developing a love of short, brown-skinned hookers.
Frank - spent six years caged in a circus sideshow, travelling around Florida and developing an obsessive hatred of monkeys.
Harvey - works as a bank teller. Sleeps in money pajamas.
Frank - works as an engineer. Sleeps with a stuffed Dilbert doll.
Harvey - owns four cats and can't keep them from peeing on the bathmat.
Frank - owns two cats and can't keep from peeing on their heads.
Harvey - Atheist, believes God is dead.
Frank - Catholic, believes Pope is dead.
Harvey - Once voted for the Libertarian Party
Frank - Once met a librarian at a party. Or possibly a Liberian. He was really drunk at the time, so he's not sure what she said.
Harvey - Lives in Wisconsin, but left his heart in San Francisco.
Frank - Lives in Florida, but left a hippy for dead in San Francisco.
Harvey - Once tried to become a lawyer.
Frank - Once tried to bludgeon a lawyer. Or possibly a lemur. Again - really drunk at the time.
Harvey - Has a 130-pound dog that thinks he's a horse.
Frank - Has a 130-pound fiancé that thinks she's a cow.
Harvey - Can't get a concealed carry permit for his Glock, because he lives in a state run by stupid liberals.
Frank - Has a concealed carry permit and lives in a state where it's legal to shoot stupid liberals (in season, limit three per person).
Harvey - Wishes he were as funny as Frank.
Frank - Wishes he were as funny as Scrappleface.
Harvey - Drove pizza delivery in the ghetto to earn money for college. Frequently mugged by crack addicts.
Frank - Delivered crack in the ghetto to earn money for college. Frequently mugged pizza delivery drivers.
Harvey - Once told his wife "that dress makes you look fat." He apologized, but still spent a week sleeping on the couch.
Frank - Once told his fiancé "that dress makes you look fat." Spent a week apologizing to the couch
Really, REALLY drunk.
Hope that clears things up.
April 15, 2005
Fun at the zoo . . .
I was at the zoo this morning and took this picture of my favorite animal--the Arizona RINO (genus:republican species:innamusonly). The RINO is a very accommodating beast--whenever a camera is nearby it is sure to come trotting over. It accommodatingly poses itself in whatever position will bring the most attention to itself, regardless of the jeopardy it places the rest of the herd in. I guess, like humans, some RINOs are just jerks
Evil Glenn's Reality TV Show
After ABC's hit reality TV show "Wife Swap" had production halted due to an incident of child abuse, the network searched around desperately for a replacement show to air.
A junior production assistant at ABC theorized that if people would tune in to watch whiny, bossy, overly-opinionated women switch households, maybe it would be just as good to use whiny, bossy, overly-opinionated computer nerds in their place. Thus was born:
This week: an up-and-coming humor blogger who creates his own masterfully funny stories (sorry, it's NOT Scrappleface) switches places with a stodgy, uncreative, puppy-blending lawyer who hyper-leeches off the creativity of others to maintain his oppressive grip on the throat of the blogosphere. Thinker vs. linker, vamper vs. vampire, who will make the best adjustment to their new pixel-palace? Find out the answer tonight as Frank J. of IMAO and Glenn Reynolds of Instapundit do a
First up (in the extended entry) - Glenn Reynolds takes the helm at IMAO. Will he be able to keep Frank's readers ROTFL? Or will this be the worst disaster since group blogging?...
IMAOInaccurate. Incoherent. Indeed.
In My World: Just Another Day at the Office
posted by Frank G.R. at 7:52 pm
"Hmmm..." pondered President Bush, trying to decide between performing his presidential duties and playing Xbox.
"Heh." chuckled Condoleezza Rice, knowing that Bush would choose the Xbox, leaving her plans for world domination unimpeded.
"Indeed." observed Donald Rumsfeld, not giving a crap what Bush or Rice did, as long as they didn't stop him from nuking Luxembourg, which he'd just selected for elimination by flinging a spitball at a spinning globe.
UPDATE: Chomps growled at the spitball - which made him very angry - before savagely attacking both it and the globe, shredding them both to the subatomic level.
ANOTHER UPDATE: Strategy Page has video of Buck the Marine kill'n foreigners in their dirty foreigner's airplane using only a pointy stick and his own flaming ball of foreigner-kill'n rage.
Next... Frank J. lives the dream as he takes command of the biggest blog in the universe. Will he be able to maintain the traffic flow, or will he crash & burn like a dirty foreigner's airplane?...
INSTAPUNDIT.COMIf you've got a modem, I've got an arrogant opinion. Worship me!
Aquaman has his own blog. I can't decide if that's lame or just completely gay.
posted at 08:26 PM by Glenn F.J. Reynolds
posted at 08:30 PM by Glenn F.J. Reynolds
UPDATE: Or possibly Michael Moore.
posted at 08:38 PM by Glenn F.J. Reynolds
posted at 08:50 PM by Glenn F.J. Reynolds
posted at 08:52 PM by Glenn F.J. Reynolds
Peace out, yo. Minerva's got a date with George Foreman.
UPDATE: Worship me!
posted at 08:59 PM by Glenn F.J. Reynolds
* * * *
And now the results:
Glenn Reynolds at IMAO:
Frank J. at Instapundit:
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
Know Thy Friend: Dodecahedrons
As you know, unless you are a non-IMAO reading anti-American liberal or are dead, dodecahedrons are the newly mandated shape o fthe blog-ful-ish environment. But what are dodecahedrons?
To shed more light on dodecahedrons, here are some interesting insightful info-blips about dodecahedrons. Because all knowledge is good.
*Dodecadhedrons look like this.
*According to mathematicians, dodecahedrons have 12 sides. This is significant because it is also the same as the number of Apostles present at the Last Supper and the number of non-IMAO blogs that will be allowed to survive in the new blog order after Frank J. assumes his throne of blog overlordship-ness.
*The dodecahedron and donuts have the same latin root 'do' which means 'tasty'.
*Each of these sides are shaped like pentagons. Tasty sugar coated pentagons. Some are filled with jelly.
*The Pentagon is actually a huge dodecahedron with 11 secret underground sides. The extra power from the shape is why America's military always wins when they are actually allowed to fight.
*You can make a really small dodecahedron cutting out the following image and taping the sides together.
*If your house is built in the shape of a dodecahedron when Godzilla comes to your town, he'll be more likely to simply kick your house to an adjacent county instead of simply crushing it underfoot. Dinosaurs love soccer.
*Dodecahedrons also have 2 lesser known sides, one is called the 'in' side and is in an undisclosed location.
*The other one is called Lenny.
*Only the president knows any more details about Lenny.
*Any evidence supporting any alleged 15th side named Squiggy is completely fake. But probably accurate.
*Dodecahedrons can foretell the future. If the 'answer shape' inside a magic 8 ball were a dodecahedron, instead of a triangle, it would have been 100% correct in all its predictions.
*It wasn't used because of cost overruns. The 4 extra cuts to make a 12 sided figure make them 50% more expensive than an 8 sided one. That and people actually can't handle the truth.
*In a fight between a sphere and a dodecahedron, the sphere would be utterly demolished and it's puny round bones ground into powder by the dodecahedron. While spheres ARE dagnasty evil, it's just a fact, dodecahedrons know how to fight dirty.
- images from the leftist entity wikipedia
Have you noticed lately there's been a lot of problems with drugs? Recalls, warnings, handwringing, livers and hearts exploding, etc.
Problems with and/or recalls regarding Vioxx, Celebrex, Bextra, and now Zyprexa have been all over the news. Lawsuits regarding these are popping up all over the Free World, plus France and Canada!
What's going on here? I decided to find out. After about 20 minutes of examination of the issue, followed by a rather unpleasant evening experimenting, I think I've figured out what's going on.
Look at the names, VioXX, CelebreX, BeXtra, ZypreXa. See the pattern?? It's the 'X'!
No, I'm not saying they are putting ecstasy in these medications but that would be bad, also. But neither am I saying they aren't putting ecstasy in them either. I'm no biopharmachemologist or whatever the the term is for the egghead that would know things like that. But you can't help but notice the drugs that are turning up bad have turned out to all have 'X' in the name.
It's just a fact. To test my theory, I decided it would be a good idea to experiment with something called "Ex-Lax". A medication which has two, count them, two 'X's in the name. The product labelling said it was for 'relief of occasional irregularity'. Since I've been told occassionaly by friends, family and the frequent total stranger that I am irregular, it seemed like the perfect product to try.
But does it relieve irregularity? Does it? Does it? NOOOOO. I'll tell you what it does, it gives you a bad case of the freakin' RUNS! That what it does. RUNS! And relief? Brother, you won't be, NOT relieved by ANY stretch of the imagination. It is the exact and total 180 degree opposite of any sort of relief. For your information.
Well, to spare you any more disgusting details and to make a long story short, let me give my recommendation. Which is as follows.
Every prescription, over the counter, or under the counter medication with an 'X' in the name needs to be banned, now and forever. Furthermore any supplies of those drugs that exist need to be gathered up and burned before the sun goes down tonight. Even furthermore any new drug with X-names needs to be cancelled or, in the very least, renamed.
Also packaging with a more literal definition of irregularity would be appreciated.
This has been a PSA by spacemonkey.
The Bolton of Terror
Guess who called upon me for my help?
That's right, Kofi Anan, the whatchamacallit of the U.N. and man of unimpeachable integrity. Apparently the Bush regime, under the tutelage of the fiend Karl Rove, wants to place the dangerous, psychotic John Bolton in the U.N. to destroy it from the inside. Any superhero is familiar with that man who has terrorized countless cities. What Kofi knew, though, is that I had taken him down before.
What he didn't know is that I had significant help from Batman and Superman, but I think I learned enough to face The Bolton myself. After being questioned by the Senate, The Bolton had gone into hiding - most likely to plot more evil. Only I could find him!
So I jumped in the ocean (always seems a good way to start) and talked to a marlin (I can talk to fish) that thought he had seen some Republicanism happening somewhere in the Atlantic. I followed him only to find a SECRET UNDERWATER BASE!!!
Yes! Finally! Why can't more villains have secret underwater bases?
So, I snuck up to the bases and found an entrance for submarines. Once inside, I saw none other than...
"Call me Black Manta," he said, "I'm not into that PC crap."
"You would be working with the Republicans, you fiend!"
"What can I say; I'm into fiscal responsibility. Muh ha ha ha!"
I gave him my angry glare. You don't want to see my angry glare. "You're more evil than ever!"
"Because I'm a Republican? What is it with people thinking that a black man can't be a Republican?" he asked irately, "That's racism right there."
"That's now what I meant," I answered defensively, "It's just that... Well, anyway, I know you're working with The Bolton!"
"Do you mean me?" came a booming voice. It was none other than The Bolton, now in his regular supervillain costume of a black cape and spiky helmet.
"What are your fiendish plans for the U.N., you... fiend?"
"That you'll never know about, Aquamaroon," Black Manta answered. He then looked to The Bolton. "Do you want me to handle him?"
"Ha! I'll take on you both!" I yelled as I called dolphins. They came jumping out of the water and flopping their way towards Black Manta and The Bolton.
"'Stache Strength!" The Bolton yelled as he placed his hands on his hips. His mustache then began glowing until the glow consumed his entire body. He then struck the dolphins, sending them flying back into the water. He then looked to me. "You'll think the U.N. is lucky after I'm through with you!" he shouted as he bent a piece of steel for show.
I knew now it was time for an ACTIVE REVERSE-MOMENTUM ATTACK! Within minutes, I had miles of ocean between me and the secret GOP base. As I hid under some rocks, I realized I hadn't yet uncovered the plot, but I vowed to try again soon... one my nerves calmed down.
This is Aquaman, signing off.
Trust Me, You DON'T Want Frank J. as the Overlord of the Blogododecahedron
I hate to seem unsupportive and/or not a team player, but I noticed a lot of people chiming in enthusiastically in favor of Frank J.'s quest to become Overlord.
The thing is, I know something you don't.
Last year, as part of a mission for the Alliance of Free Blogs to rid the world of the Evil Glenn Reynolds, I borrowed a time machine from my friend Physics Geek, and went back in time to make Glenn not evil.
That part of the mission succeeded.
However, there were... consequences.
In the end (and you can read the whole story here), I managed to undo the damage, but not before I'd glimpsed a horrifying future where Frank J. had become the blogospheric overlord. If you've got the nerve, you can face the darkness in the extended entry:
Harv [stepping out of time machine]: That was remarkably simple. I should've done that a LONG time ago. Wait I did Heh, time travel is really confusing. Anyway, thanks for your help, Geek.
Frank G.: Geek? My name's not Geek. It's Frank G. Why did you call me that, Frank H.?
Harv: Frank H.? No, my name is Harv. Why did you call me Frank H.? Look It says right here on my driver's license Frank H. Olson, and HUH?... Why the HELL is my name Frank H.?
Frank G.: Du-UH! The same reason ALL men are named Frank plus an initial. Frank J., the fearsome, despotic overlord (may his name be praised) of the United States of Frank A., has decreed that all men be named as such.
Frank H.: This is insane! Let me borrow your computer.
Frank G.: Sure. Over here.
Quickly, I Googled (actually Frankoogled) up Frank J.'s home page. It had changed a little from the way I remembered it, as it was now titled "IFAO: Unfair. Unbalanced. Unmedicated. Under my power. Unable to disobey on fear of death." As my jaw dropped and my eyes bulged, I read the first few entries with a growing mixture of disbelief and horror:
"I really hate capitalism. Fascism is much better. Mussolini rocked. Now I will dance the Macarena. HEYYYYY Macarena! Hah. Hrmmm. Indubitably."
"I just murdered a circus clown. You should have heard him squeal like a pig as the knife went in. Hah. Hrmmm. Indubitably."
"At 10pm tonight, I will go on TV before the entire nation, where you, my fearful and cowering subjects, will watch, mortified, as I drown a puppy. Bark bark, gurgle gurgle. Hah. Hrmmm. Indubitably."
Frank H.: Holy Hatless Hannah's Hershey Bar! WHAT HAVE I DONE? Geek I mean Frank G . you've got to send me back in time again! I made a terrible mistake, messing in God's domain. I HAVE put things back the way they were!
Frank G.: No problem, the transference chamber's still warm. Just step on in.
Frank H.: Good. First, though, I really think I need a beer to calm my nerves
Frank G.: Beer? What is this... "beer"... you speak of?
Frank H.: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Quick! Push the button!
Frank G.: Don't you mean "quickly"?
Frank H.: WHAT?
Frank G.: Just because you're in a hurry doesn't mean you can't make time for proper grammar.
Frank H.: PUSH THE F****** BUTTON!
Frank G.: What's the magic word?
Frank H. [a hair's breadth from murder and enunciating between grinding incisors]: Please.
Frank G.: Much better! A polite and grammatically-correct society is a happy society. Rule #21095 of Frank J.'s Super Happy Lucky Fun Little Red Book Of How Not To Be Summarily Executed By The Secret Police. Bon Voyage, Frank H.!
Really, folks, think this one over.
April 14, 2005
R&W Block, Part II
RightWingDuck of R&W Block here, and if you're stressing out over the end of tax season, please know that we here at IMAO are here to help you!!
I recently asked you for your tough tax questions. Here are the
Dude, I was totally going to get a sweet refund, but now I owe taxes
Posted by Frank J. at April 14, 2005 08:59 AM
This is a common question. Despite my inability to spell very basic
Every E-check has a portion available for comments. Now, profanity is
Try this: AtPoundsignDollarsPercentages You!!
Grammatically speaking, you want to avoid putting the @ at the end of
But don't be angry about paying taxes, instead, be aware of the fact
Do these slave children I have in my basement count as dependents? Or
Posted by Rikor at April 14, 2005 09:18 AM
This is why you guys are so lucky to have me. You can count them as
Don't overlook some of those hidden deductions. I'm not sure if you
Can I deduct my dog? Actually, he's not even mine. We're not even
Posted by Horrabin's Mistakes at April 14, 2005 09:26 AM
Dogs have a lot of benefits in the eyes of the government. They can
It's hard to tell from your question what the purpose of the surgery
I would not recommend buying rope for strangling. Especially since you
BTW, if you get jailed in Massachusetts, consider a same sex marriage
Sincerely Yours, In a platonic way,
Why are people happy about getting refunds? I mean the government has
Posted by AJ at April 14, 2005 10:37 AM
They've been STEALING it? Those atPoundsignDollarsPercentages! You
AJ, I'm going to say that you have an unhealthy attitude about this.
I prefer to look at Uncle Sam as a member of my family, I call him
Umm. Ok, I run a small import business that brings in agricultural
Posted by JamesT at April 14, 2005 11:29 AM
James, you have graduated from petty thug to top line "legitimate
You have the makings of a good congressman – although it's not clear
You should email us your account numbers and pin codes just to
Keep those questions coming. The information never stops here at IMAO!
The Time of Order Is at Hand
Few people disagree that the blogosphere is a very big thing - at least of those who heard of it. While liberal blogs suck and no one cares about them, right wing blogs are very important and influence the news and are read by big important people. Why, President Bush is probably reading this right now (Hey, Dubya!). Since the blogosphere is so important and so influential, a leader must emerge.
That leader should be me.
I got a 1570 on my SATs - that's like a perfect score. Only Jesus ever scored higher. Also, I have like a huge IQ. If I were just a little smarter, I could set people on fire just by staring at them. Yeah, that's how powerful my mind is: Just barely not powerful enough to set someone on fire. That means I'm smarter than everyone and should be listened to and obeyed. Plus, I know what's important for the blogosphere.
* BULLET POINTS: Bullet points are important because the new generation have the attention spans of monkeys on crack. Bullet points mean things are put into nice little bite-sized chunks that won't scare people away.
* STUPID MEDIA: Some people think that the blogosphere should help reform the media; those people are dumb and don't know what the hell they are talking about. If the media was reformed, then what would we blog about? Cats? That would suck. We need more fake memos, and we need them reported on now!
* STRUCTURE: The blogosphere is too scattered; there are like opinions from everybody and I don't care about most of them. The blogosphere needs to be cut down to size where only important people like me get heard. Instead of a blogosphere, we should make a blogododecahedron because that would have a finite number of sides. If you don't know why that's important, then you are dumb and should stop reading this now and pick up a copy of Highlights.
Okay, that's all the bullet points I can think of right now. Three is plenty, though; if I only had two things, then bullet points would have been excessive. I'm smart; I know things like that.
This gets me to my main point: The blogododecahedron needs a leader. Not like a president, though; that's so last century. It needs an overlord who will reward what is good and crush what is bad, bringing order to the blogododecahedron. He will wear a cape and a helmet with spikes and all will fear him. Also, he should have blog thugs - or "blugs" - at his disposal to beat up any who fall out of the order.
I should be this overlord.
We should have an election. My campaign slogan will be: "Frank J. for blog overlord - because he told you so!" And that's what an overlord should be like - he should just command things to be done.
On second thought, no election; I declare myself overlord now. I know ninjitsu and will fight to the death anyone who dares say I am not overlord.
Now that I rule the blogododecahedron, no blogs shall be recognized unless I recognize them. But I am also too busy to read other blogs or be bothered by them, so I'll need people under me to approve blogs and report back to me. Each shall be fierce himself and secretly plot to overthrow me and become overlord - though I am too smart for that. These people will be known as the blog... uh... well, I'll come up with a cool name for them later. Everyone else will be known as my minions.
Excellent! Things have started now. Soon the blogosphere will be crushed into the order of the new blogododecahedron and all shall bow to my power. Tidings shall be sent monthly to my PayPal account, and I shall grow rich and lazy.
Such is the order of things.
All hail Blog Overlord Frank J. and spread the word of my coming!
Tax Questions: Ask R&W Block
I took a break from the Round-Up today, (okay, I'll post it later)
Because if you're like most Americans on April 14th, you are getting ready for a very important day tomorrow.
That's right - the Britney Spears Press Conference - and tax seminar.
People are unclear on many tax issues. I mean, as far as the IRS is concerned, it's okay to sell your daughter for a car - as long as you claim in the income - and don't claim her as a dependent.
See? It makes no sense.
But the Duck is in.
So go ahead and ask me about any tax questions you might have..
1041? 1042? Whatever it takes.
Post your questions in comments and I'll answer them in a separate post.
*DISCLAIMER: Results not guaranteed. Neither RWD nor any of the IMAO crew can vouch for the credibility or authenticity of any answers provided by this site. Taxes are semi-serious business and should be handled by a train professional or the guy next to you in line to get more tax forms. All answers provided are believed to be in compliance with the current tax code system of Burkastan and some other piddly countries. (Authors note: Did you know that Micronesia is really a country? I was shocked too) These questions are also answered in other languages except for West Virginia where the official language is English - much to the surprise of most of their state senators - who probably didn't read the law before signing it - probably because it was in English. This offer void where prohibited, limited quantities available, objects in mirror are closer than they appear. Sorry no rain checks. Should you or any of your IM family (Instant Messaging) be arrested, IMAO will disavow any knowledge of your actions, but will gladly print transcripts of your one phone call allowed by law.
April 13, 2005
Al Gore's Cable Network
On August 1st of this year, former Presidential hopeless Al Gore will be launching his new cable TV network, "Current".
I read the press release to try to find out what sort of programming will be shown, but aside from a few disclaimers about being non-partisan, the actual content was only described in the vaguest of terms.
Soooooo... I did a little research and found the original video of the Al Gore news conference that Reuters quoted from. In the extended entry, I've padded out the press release with some of the omitted information:
SAN FRANCISCO (Reuters) - Former Vice President Al Gore Monday unveiled his new television network, Current, which aims to attract younger viewers with its short videos and a tie-in with the popular Google Inc. search engine.
The channel will show professionally produced segments as well as viewer-produced videos mostly short in length, running from a few seconds to up to 15 minutes.
"You'll get to see professionals such as Paris Hilton and Pamela Anderson, along with first time hot amatuers like Britney Spears, Jennifer Lopez, Lindsay Lohan, and Jennifer Aniston.
"We are about empowering this generation of young people in their 20s, the 18 to 34 population. Sure, some of these might be barely legal teens, but we'll have affadavits on file to prove that they're at least 18. We want them to engage in a "dialogue of democracy" - or otherwise use their tongues interactively - and to tell their stories about what's going in their lives using the dominant - or submissive, according to individual preference - media of our time," he said.
Viewers will also be able to vote for their favorite videos and get tutorials via the Internet on how to produce their own segments, according to network officials.
"We're starting something new and we're trying to bring about a change in the way the television medium is used," said Gore. "We know it's... *ahem* hard, but we're.... heh... excited about trying."
In addition to the videos, the new network reached a pact with the search firm to include Google's video search service that pulls up still shots from such content providers as Fox News, PBS and the NBA.
"I really like the idea of being able to find still shots," said Gore, "since I know that there are some... climactic moments... in these films that you'll want to spend some extra time looking at."
Gore, who lost the 2000 election in a bitter contest with current President Bush, seemed to have put politics behind him, insisting the channel would not be a liberal pulpit.
"We have no intention of being a Democratic channel, a liberal channel, or a TV version of Air America; that's not what we're all about," he said, referring to the liberal radio network. "I envision 'Current' as having something for everyone. A place where people can set aside their individual differences and... come together... in a spurt... spirit of bipartisanship."
Gore serves as chairman of the board of that channel.
The network said its financial backers included Rob Glaser, chief executive of RealNetworks Inc. makers of the popular internet video viewing software RealPlayer (now featuring slow-motion and frame-by-frame viewing options), and Joel Hyatt, who is chief executive of the network and built a network of legal services clinics, and who will serve as retainer for Current's affidavit files.
Make of that what you will. Personally, I'm kinda looking forward to August...
A Balanced Look At... Taxes
Tax time is approaching us again and that means its time to see what the different sides have to say about the popular topic of taxes. Not that taxes are all that popular with everyone. Here they are, Left, Right and Off.
Q&A Session About Taxes
Right Side - While revenue raising is necessary, the Internal Revenue Service is not.
Off Side (me)- The federal government made do without an Income Tax for well over a hundred years, why not again?
Where does the money go?
Right Side - Well, it pays for govenment endorsed baby killing, government employees like all the inspectors that enforce the worthless regulations that keep corporations from turning much of a profit and for keeping the military ahead of the rest of the world so we can be safe and of course all the pet pork projects, can't forget the pork projects.
Off Side -Pork projects? I knew about the free cheese, now free pork too? Where will it all end? Sheesh. Where does it go? Down the drain,mostly. But most importantly it pays for terrorist killing, and keeping them dead because after they are good and dead they have more trouble killing us and making us dead. That and roads. But it also goes to keeping politicians fat and drunk and in 'entertainment'. Other than that it seems to go to feed clothe and shelter people who'd rather not work, to pay for health coverage for them and as well as for health coverage for the people who cross the border to do the jobs the first set of people won't do.
Where should the money go that its not going now?
Right Side - More hand ups, less handouts. People need skills and jobs not checks to subsidize laziness.
Off Side - What's left after having federal prisoners and the unemployed build a 30 foot tall razor-wired concrete fence along both borders should go directly into my checking account for a play station portable.
Right Side - It's being studied closely and could very well be a a workable replacement for the swollen income tax system that causes Americans so much grief.
Off Side - Ache Eee Double Hockey Sticks , YEAH!
What effect would a national sales tax have on the poor who pay no income taxes now?
Right Side - A positive one, under a consumer intended national sales tax everything anybody buys would end up being cheaper. Why? Because the income tax is built into the price of everything. I would show you the math but it's really, really hard math.
Off Side - Give every adult citizen, not currently in prison, a, what's the poverty line? $15,000? tax free card every year. This way the poor's lives could remain the same and they could continue to siphon the life out of America in under-employed bliss as they do right now. Everybody else would get a break utill they broke through the poverty level spending ceiling. Everybody wins! Even losers!
This has been "A Balanced Look At... Taxes"
Thanks for tuning in.
RWD's News Round-Up, Wednesday
I'm RightWingDuck and I'm here to share the news.
Sorry for the late posting today. I got home late last night and never had the chance to catch up. You know, it's tough juggling all these responsibilities. I struggle to be a good dad, a loving husband, and a hard working “little Eichmann.”
I’m working later hours just so I can afford the essentials of life- gasoline!!
Gas is getting expensive and it's starting to hurt an already aching airline industry. I'm lucky. I recently bagged a bargain airfare.
Of course, there was a catch. Half of us had to distract the neighboring American Airlines plane by doing the "chicken dance" on the tarmac, while the other half siphoned out its jet fuel.
In all fairness, we were given extra mints. Distracting is hard work.
Some students from Purdue have scored a major prize for the third year in a row. The Rube Goldberg contest this year had a goal: to create a device that changes the batteries in a flashlight and do it in as many steps as possible. Their winning project had 125 steps to it!!
It was touch and go at the beginning; when they realized their kit didn't include the batteries.
So they went to neighboring MIT team and started doing the "chicken dance"....
Amazing. 125 steps to complete a single task, or as the IRS would call it – the Short Form.
Interestingly enough, that is not the world record. The all time record is held by John Kerry who took 759 steps to explain if he supported the Iraq War.
Well, 760 if you count yesterday, but he’s on crutches – so that might call for an asterisk or something.
As you know, Republican consultant, Arthur Finkelstein is gay.
HAAHAHAHAHAHA That’s funny.
What? You want more? Okay. Okay.
Arthur is helping gather funds for the Defeat Hillary campaign. Bill Clinton does not like this and has said that Mr. Finkelstein suffers from “Self Loathing.”
Perhaps if Finkelstein applies himself and the Principles of Bill, he can one day reach Bill’s level- Self Pleasure.
BTW, if there so many people out there who indeed are gay, then why do liberals hate it when one of them turns out to be conservative? Aren’t there plenty to go around?
If the Republicans can find one more gay conservative to you know what we’d have? DIVERSITY!!!
Of course, we never know if this drastic a change will last long term. I can just see them trying to sneak kids back into the races.
Red Cross: I was watching that race and that sir is no robot! Bring that over here!!
After the rampage, protesters gathered to celebrate in Tiananmen Square, or as the Chinese call it -Happy Happy Sunshine Place.
Britney responded, “Aren’t you cute? I have to tell you sweetheart- water is soft – it doesn’t break.”
Music sales should improve soon. Britney is coming out with a new single –“Me reading my grocery list.” It’s available at record stores for $19.99 or free by illegal download.
In other news, Britney’s label announced the signing of a new superstar!!
They haven’t heard him sing, but they think he’ll be very popular. So keep an ear out for the music of - Ron Mexico.
If you're a regular reader you'll get that one. :)
What made you laugh? Post in comments.
Know Thy Enemy: Taxes
Taxes are due Friday. I still haven't done mine, but I have my CPA fiancée to help me get it done and submitted online. Others aren't so lucky, and thus I sent my crack research team to find out as much as they can about taxes.
FUN FACTS ABOUT TAXES
* Taxes strike violently without notice at the exact same time each year.
* A lot of people get excited when they get some of the money back that the government had been taking from their paychecks all year; this is a bit like if there was a robber who kept breaking in and stealing your stuff each week, and you got all excited when, after a year, he brings back your T.V.
* Some people don't calculate things right and have to voluntarily hand over their stereo to the robber when he visits after a year.
* If you find yourself surrounded by taxes thirsting for your blood and see no escape, try declaring bankruptcy.
* There's a place on the tax form where you can declare all your illegal earnings. I think that's a trick.
* Income tax was unconstitutional until the 16th amendment was passed with the vote of two thirds of the states and the blessing of Satan.
* It is unknown what tortures in hell those who voted for the 16th amendment are currently receiving, but they better be pretty horrible.
* It is illegal to kill an I.R.S. agent and constitutes a huge fine - but the fine is tax deductible.
* The I.R.S. headquarters is a cursed place built on an ancient Indian burial ground. It's filled with spirits, but they barely ever make any disturbances since most are trying to hide from the death tax.
* In a fight between Aquaman and taxes, the I.R.S. would seize Aquaman's kingdom in Atlantis and put it up for auction. It would then be bought by his arch nemesis - BLACK MANTA!!!
* They say that the only two things certain in life are death and taxes. They're usually also preferred in that order.
* The government takes money out of each paycheck because, if once a year everyone actually had to write a check for their income tax, there would be a huge riot. I want all my money each paycheck and a cool riot!
* Before reforms, when dealing with the I.R.S. you were considered guilty until proven innocent. Also, the I.R.S. is the only government agency with the authority to murder your family on mere suspicion of wrong doing.
* Taxes attack without mercy or remorse. They cannot be stopped by bullets or fire.
* Hiding sometimes works.
* Unless you go buy some gum; then sales tax will find you.
* Taxes are so unstoppable and attack so swiftly, they cannot even be dodged by a ninja!
* The best way to avoid taxes is being a hobo... though certain high-trafficked bloggers may try to murder you.
* If you're stuck in a room and see only two doors in it - one leading to taxes and the other to vicious biting monkeys - use an ax to hack your way out of the room.
* Oh yeah; always carry an ax on you if you're afraid of taxes and monkeys.
* If taxes are after you, don't try praying to God for help because He's currently dodging omnipotence tax.
* On the plus side, taxes are what brought down Al Capone. They also killed Hitler.
* When Jesus was asked about taxes, He said, "Render unto Caesar what is Caesar's." Now, he'd probably just avoid Caesar altogether through some non-profit organization.
* The tax code is the largest, most complex set of written material in the history of the universe. At its current rate of growth, it will block out the sun by 2067 and plunge us into eternal winter. On the other hand, there will be a few new deductions for mortgage interest.
* Democrats like taxes, but claim they only want to tax the rich (that's how income tax started). If you see a Democrat, lock him in a crate and throw it in the sea so he won't raise your taxes.
* The best way to avoid taxes is to lie in a ditch and curl up into a fetal position. It's only two days until taxes are due, though, so it's probably too late to find a good ditch that isn't already taken.
Where Are the Bloggers?
Aww, man, Ducky doesn't have a news round up today. Where did he go? And where's Harvey?
Maybe spacemonkey will post something; he's only half dead.
I guess I could do a news round up...
A bomb was detonated in Iraq today, killing twelve... uh... that's not funny.
Okay, so I don't do news round ups. Well, I'll have a really cool post up later. Keep refreshing.
April 12, 2005
American Idol top 8
Hi, SarahK here, reminding all of you who don't give a rat's pinkytoe what I have to say about American Idol to scan past this post and start a blog called "I Hate SarahK" if you so desire, because I just don't care. Have a nice day!
UPDATE: Frank says I shouldn't blog while angry. But I'm not angry, I'm just sad.
Songs from the year you were born... whatever. Hmmm. I wonder if Simon is wearing a t-shirt.
Nadia 01 - Boring and naked. But I like the hair and the earrings. Bleh. Audience: stupid. Hmm, Paula wants to start with the ups and the highs, and she comes to see just what Nadia's gonna wear. How 'bout a judge who comes to hear Nadia's voice? Musical wallpaper? No, Simon, more like musical drywall (naked, see).
Simon is touching Ryan Seacrest, and I'm disturbed.
Bo 02 - Wow, Bo was such a cute baby. I sure wish he would rock again. Ok, so he did, but it was kinda boring. He needs to stop doing the songs he loves and do the songs that are gonna wow us. Simon is actually the only one with good advice on that one.
Anwar 03 - Am I the only one yawning tonight? Seriously, it's like I took a Dramamine and played back the DVR recording in slo-mo. I think there are some dish bubbles in there slowly popping, maybe I can catch their second act while I wait for the end of tonight's show. I do like what Anwar is wearing though, because I love brown.
My engagement ring is so pretty. Comforting and safe, that ring is.
Hall & Oates, what happened to that awful pr0n mustache that one guy used to have?
Anthony 04 - He looks cute tonight, like a Dutch pop star. That reminds me, I have these little Dutch dolls that my mom bought from Home Interiors like 30 years ago, and she gave them to me, or I stole them... Where was I? Oh yes, Anthony, who went from "my jeans are baggy in all the wrong places" to "my jeans are way too tight everywhere, and SarahK is trying not to barf all over Frank". I disagree with all the judges, that song was like watching a dew drop make its way from the tip of the blade of St. Augustine grass to the root. Whoa isn't that exciting.
Vonzell 05 - Ok, she makes me feel incredibly old, because I remember when "Let's Hear it for the Boy" was on the radio. It didn't show her vocal range at all, it was so boring. Ok, I probably shouldn't be blogging this at all (here, or on mountaineer musings), because I'm apparently in a foul mood. Probably because I've been crying half the night, so give me a break and shut up.
Scott 06 - Oh dear, I can't imagine I'll have nice things to say, just because he puts as much effort into his songs as I put into liking Paula as a judge and resisting dark chocolate. Have I mentioned that not even *I* have as bad stage presence as Scott? And they didn't even let me on AI because of my bad stage presence. Doggone, I hate eating my words, but I have to say, he was good tonight (the second half) and not lazy (the second half). Next week, is it too much to hope for a whole song out of him?
I just want to give Paula a big carafe of coffee and take away her valium and see if she can not appear drunk for one evening.
Carrie 07 - 1983. "Love is a Battlefield", LOL, we just watched 13 Going on 30 Sunday night. Wow, she looks great, sounds fabulous, and she has completely taken over the rock scene from Nadia. Absolutely the best performance tonight so far, not surprising. Randy and Simon apparently had some of Paula's "Coke", so don't listen to them.
Hold on, I've gotta go put on my "Hands Off" t-shirt, because Constantine is going to try to molest me with his eyes in the next few.
Constantine 08 - Wow, "Bohemian Rhapsody", I can't wait to hear it. I'm so ashamed of myself, I loved it. It was actually the best of the night, and I feel like I've betrayed myself. Shame on me.
My order tonight:
who's going home? i'm guessing Nadia or Anthony.
What happened to the wonderfully funny spacemonkey that use to post wonderfully funny stuff here?
In payback, Frank J. stalked him, killed him and then had him stuffed for an engagement present for sarahk.
That'll teach spacemonkey to leave a job half done won't it?
Just kidding! It's me, spacemonkey, see? And I'm only mostly dead. On the inside.
In My World: The Ambassador the U.N. Deserves
Karl Rove emerged from the shadows. "Are the plans in motion?"
"Yeah, everything is good," President Bush answered, "Rummy is right now meeting with the Iraqis in Baghdad."
* * * *
"Rarr!" Rumsfeld shouted as he violently shook an Iraqi, "You get your government together so I can move on to attacking other countries!"
* * * *
John Negroponte came into the Oval Office. "Hey, Negroponte," Bush said to him, "How did the hearings go?"
"Everybody loved me! They even sang me a song!"
"Cool! Hopefully things will go as well for Mr. Mustache."
* * * *
"My first question is why someone who despises the U.N. so much would even want this job?" Senatorette Barbara Boxer said.
"I don't!" John Bolton answered, pounding the table, "Getting this job will make me violent and angry!" He then rubbed his glasses. "Is that a woman asking me questions? They let women be Senators now? No one told me this!"
"See, this is what we need; someone who doesn't even want the job for his own personal ambitions," Senator Richard Lugar remarked.
"Do you think you will be able to work with Kofi Anan?" Senator Joe Biden asked Bolton.
"If I ever see him in person, I'll bash his head in with a rock!" Bolton vowed.
"Those are the words of a reformer," Senator George Allen stated.
"But what will other countries think?" Senatorette Boxed exclaimed.
Bolton pointed to his face. "Does this look like the mustache of a man who cares what other people think?"
"Is it true you have vowed to make all in the U.N. pay for their alleged incompetency with blood?" asked Biden.
"I'll gut them like pigs!" Bolton shouted, wielding a custom made shiv.
"I think it's good we have someone who is not afraid to take on the U.N.'s corruption," Lugar commented.
"I'll strangle them with their own entrails," Bolton yelled, cutting the air with his shiv.
"Do you even know anything about diplomacy?" Senatorette Boxer inquired.
"Does that mean I kills them alphabetically?" Bolton responded, looking confused.
"We have Carl W. Ford Jr. here to testify that Bolton intimidated other officials," Biden announced.
Ford sat down to testify, and Bolton pointed his shiv at him while staring at Ford with crazy eyes. "You have something to say about me intimidating people?" Bolton demanded.
Ford wet his pants and ran off. "No!"
"And we have reports that you've already started things off on the wrong foot," Biden said, "Having hit Kofi Anan's son with your car and shoved him into a duffle bag."
"That's my business, and I'm not answering questions about it!" Bolton shouted.
"Help me!" said the wriggling duffle bag lying next to Bolton, "I'm Kojo!"
Bolton started stomping the bag. "Duffle bags don't talk!" Bolton looked to the Senators. "So when do I start?"
RWD's News Round-Up, Tuesday
I'm RightWingDuck, and I'm here to share the news.
I continue to be awed by the power of science.
Scientists have figured out how to control a fly by remote control.
That is so cool. They can use lasers and other stuff to actually control the fly’s brain.
Now. You’re probably wondering what value there could be in being able to do this.
You probably would imagine two researchers controlling a fly around the room.
“Man, this is so cool.”
However, they hope that by studying the brain impulses, they can figure out the brain process of people, in particular those who commit acts of violence and those who overeat.
“Look at that guy over there. That’s his third trip to the buffet.”
Operating the brain of a fly? Those scientists have an inspirational project.
They got the idea from watching the New York Times guide the Democrats on social issues.
Best Buy is in the news (Hat tip: Wizbang)
Best Buy called the police on a man who tried to pay for a purchase with a stack of $2 bills.
so remember kids, Best Buy is the place to go for all of the latest technology.
The company is so suspicious of this latest development and they have even banned their internet site from carrying out all transactions that have a 2 in the final amount.
Man, these guys are good. Here a blurb from their new training guide.
“If a customer’s total is $5.00 and he pays with a $7 dollar bill, remember that you must give him two singles. Stay alert for the $2 bill!!"
Best Buy is working hard at giving good service. They’re also working hard on another chronic employee problem: crashing into garbage cans.
This could turn out to be good news for transgender players. However, they might go through some radical changes when they try to get past security.
“I’m sorry. You’re not allowed to play here, ma’am.”
An advisor to Republican politicians, Arthur Finkelstein, is coming under fire for having gone out and gotten married to his same sex partner of 40 years.
Many on the Left see this as hypocritical.
Personally, I’m happy for the guy. The gay scene is so wild these days, it's always nice when you can find somebody who is sponge-bob-worthy.
In Washington, police were praised for tackling a man who “stationed himself on the west side of the Capitol and asked to see the president.”
Turns out the guy had two suitcases full of cash. Oh, man. He was just trying to buy gas!!
The cost of gasoline is reaching record levels here in Los Angeles.
In fact, it's gotten so bad, that police are now beating up motorists - just for their gasoline.
The German government learns from it’s mistakes. On the next training drill, they will prohibit the use of flares, combustibles, and method actors.
See, it’s always tough when these celebrities let themselves go limp and drop to the floor. She should have done what all those mothers do at the supermarket, she should have dragged Michael out by one arm.
MJ: I wanna sleep with your boooooooyt!!Waaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
There are some big changes coming to Sesame Street.
The creators of the show felt that they needed to have more balance. Especially since Big Bird really let himself go.
So now we can expect wonderful scenes like...
Elmo: Cookie Monster, would you like a cookie. Elmo has lots of cookies!
CM: Cookies? I love cookies. (singing)Cookies. Cookies. Cookie Monster love cookies. Oh wait, how many carb in cookies?
thanks. Do you have an interesting newsbit to share? Email me at rightwingduckatyahoodotcom.
I can't hear you laugh. What got a laugh out of you? Post in comments.
Totally True Tidbits About Libraries
April 10-16 is National Library Week, which is being celebrated across America despite the fact that it blatantly discriminates against illiterates & LiveJournal bloggers.
However, I believe that this is an important event, because without it, I wouldn't have an excuse to make up (in the extended entry) these:
* In a battle between Aquaman and a library, Aquaman be brutally attacked by book after book and die from paper-cut induced blood-loss.
* Much like the internet, libraries are grand repositories of human knowlegde, except with a lot less porn.
* Library books are arranged on the shelves according to the Dewey Decimal System, which replaced the unwieldy Library of Congress classification system and which was named after Donald Duck's nephew, who invented it.
* Ironically, Dewey was illiterate.
* He was also pantsless, adding further irony, since book-reading nerds never get laid.
* Food and drink are not allowed in libraries. Intravenous drugs are fine, though.
* Although being a librarian appears - to the untrained eye - to be a very simple job, it's actually a difficult career requiring a 4-year degree in pantsless duckology.
* In order to best preserve their books, libraries must maintain a constant level of 0% humidity. This is why the most experienced librarians are always withered old crones who look like they've been in the possession of the One Ring of Power for a couple centuries.
* Your library card contains sensitive personal information that terrorists covet. If anyone tries to look at your library card, shoot them.
* If this happens inside the library, use a silencer so as to not disturb other patrons.
* Libraries carry large-print editions of books for the visually impaired. Don't read them or you'll go blind.
* You shouldn't do anything else in a library that'll make you go blind, either. Which is why libraries don't have as much porn as the internet.
* Libraries usually have one small section of books that are written in foreign languages. Since you have no way of knowing what they actually say, you should burn these in case they contain information useful to terrorists or foreigners.
* Libraries have bookmobiles which will come right to your door. This is very convenient if you need to hijack a vehicle for a multi-state crime spree.
* If you've ever wondered what it's like to be in a ticker-tape parade, you can find out by going to a library and blowing it up. WHEEEEE! Flying paper!
* Although rarely seen by non-employees, a library's basement contains non-circulating items, such as rare first-edition novels and the severed heads of people who don't return their books on time.
* Libraries also loan out video tapes, so you can avoid movie-rental fees and STILL enjoy such classics as "Gone With the Wind", "It's a Wonderful Life", and "The Tonya Harding Wedding Video".
* I never said libraries didn't have ANY porn.
And how will YOU be celebrating National Library Week?
April 11, 2005
Links of the Day
I didn't blog for 3 whole days! Which means I didn't link for 3 whole days! Here's what we missed...
Carnival of the Recipes is up over at Aussie Wife's place. Beautifully delicious!
Carnival of Cordite is up at Resistance is Futile!
and Right Wing News has a new t-shirt. go buy it! we like John Hawkins, even though he didn't vote for me in the T-Shirt Babe Contest! punk. :-)
What's the main thing delaying John Bolton from being made the U.S. ambassador to the U.N.?
His mustache. What is up with that?
UPDATE: Left-wing nuts agree! (thanks to reader Rusty Shackleford - sounds like an alias - for pointing that out)
Frank Advice for Staying the Majority
I keep hearing all this discussion about what the Democrats have to do to make a come back and I'm like, "Hello! Who cares? They suck!"
The real question is what the Republicans have to do to keep their status as the majority party. They spent most of last century in the minority, and they’re still adjusting to what it’s like to be king of the roost. They need to say to the country, "Hey, we own this place, and that ain't gonna change."
So what to do? Murder, espionage, voter-fraud, appealing to the electorate - these are all old, tired ideas; we need new, 21st century ideas. And guess who has them?
Yeah, that's right - me! And here they are:
* REMEMBER THAT YOU OWN THE PLACE: When you walk around D.C., keep in mind that you're the majority. You own the place. You see a Democrat, you knock him down and shout, "Outta my way, biatch!" You see some store selling pro-Democrat or anti-Republican items, you smash the place up with bats. You don't have to worry about the police; you're the majority, and they know that. The police want to keep their pensions. Also, if reporters get in your face, punch them out. Soon press reports will be saying, "Whether you agree with Republican policies or not, you have to admit they're badass mo'fo's."
* TIME TO BE EXCLUSIVE: Okay, you already are the majority, so that means you can do with less people - or at least that should be your attitude. First off, kick a prominent Republican out of the party - I say Hagel. Just announce, "We decided he isn't good enough to be Republican, so we told him to scram." Then people will think Republicans are this exclusive group and not just anybody can be one. To further increase that perception, no longer let people just check on their voter registration that they are a Republican; instead, administer a test where someone has to prove he or she is kickass enough to be called a Republican. Now, the Democrats will try to capitalize on this by saying, "Hey, we don't exclude people." But then everyone will be like, "Yeah, 'cause you suck!"
* NO MORE POLITICAL TALK SHOWS: You're the majority party; you don't have to explain yourself. Thus, stop appearing on political shows. Instead, make them say, "We tried to invite a Republican to get the other side of the story, but we were sent a statement that we can 'go @#$% ourselves' and that only a '@#$% 'tard' would disagree with them anyway." Now people will be like, "Wow. I don't want to be a 'tard! I better agree with Republicans and not listen to these dumbass Democrats!" Every once in a while, a Republican can go on one of these shows, and then people will shout, "Wow! An actual Republican!" but, when it comes time for the Republican to speak, he should just say, "@#$% this," and walk off the set.
* REPUBLICANS ONLY: Have clubs and restaurants where only people who can prove he or she is a Republican are allowed in. Now, Democrats may do the same thing, but, if you're doing my other tips, people will just assume those other places suck.
* USE THE INTERNET: I heard about these things called the internets, and it seems like Republicans should dominate them too. I don't know much about all that, but there's this thing called 'spam' which is like messages that everyone gets. Republicans should spam people about how @#$% cool they are.
Get b1gger pen1s n0w!!!! V0t3 R3pub1c4n!!! Free pr0n!!!
* SUPPORT SPACE PROGRAMS: We have to make sure we support the space programs, because, if sentient life is found elsewhere, we need to make sure they become Republicans too. Dominating America is awesome, but ruling the entire universe is totally sweet!
* EVENTUALLY DITCH THE CHRISTIAN RIGHT: The Christian Right is useful right now because they're friends with God, and God is like totally powerful and angry. You want that guy on your side. But, since He's so powerful, He could turn on us at any time and there would be nothing we could do. Thus, we should start plotting with Lucifer to overthrow God. Now, Lucifer will of course turn on us, and he'll know we know he'll betray us, so this is tricky. But, if we can get Karl Rove established as the new supreme being, then anyone who even thinks tax cuts are bad is going to get struck by a bolt of lightning.
And that will be so cool.
When your political party has to be worshipped, you don't have to ever worry about getting voted out. That's the endgame, man. Republicans forever!
RWD's News Round-Up, Monday
I'm RightWingDuck, and I'm here to share the news.
In Virginia, a man was sentenced to 9 years in prison for sending unsolicited Spam.
It was really a very weak case. That’s what he gets for hiring a lawyer from a pop up ad.
So NINE years. The worst part is the guy won’t have any access to a computer. The good news is he’ll still get pop ups. Every day huge men will pop up out of nowhere saying, “Hello, would you like to have hot steamy sex?”
Of course, you hav to factor in that a lot of that was paid out in Marlboros.
So you go to prison and you just make more money? It’s just not fair.
Prince Charles finally got married.
I know. I know, “Why buy the cow, when the milk has dried up” but he seems to be happy now.
Hey, not everybody can be pretty. But it helps.
Seriously. The Federal Reserve did a study and found out that pretty people make more money.
Researchers spend countless hours, staying up late, talking to workers, and counting the dollar bills in g-strings.
They may need to go back and do more research.
I can see the commercials now.
We have the best insurance rates because we save money on overhead!! Just look at all of our ugly people!!!
"I’m Jim. I haven’t had a date in 3 years. I’m good with numbers."
The good hands people. Because we have to be.
Here’s a really cool article. There are now some public schools wooing home schooled students to get them to attend public schools.
In fact, they’re experimenting with some new advertising slogans such as…
Our teachers are prettier than your mom and friendlier. Much friendlier.
Get out of the house.
It’s been 23 days since our last shooting.
Reasons cited are health improvements, safety upgrades, and an excessive number of women with flat chests.
A Detroit Reporter is in trouble for faking details of a story.
The story had to be filed on Friday. Although the game happened on Saturday.
Hmm. Maybe newspapers should report on stories AFTER THEY HAPPEN.
His report was fake, but clairvoyant!!
General Motors has pulled their ads from the Los Angeles Times citing frustration with their left wing bent.
Said an LA Editor. “They sure are missing out. Just next Wednesday we’re running a new series. The Top Ten cars for Fascists.”
The Smuckers company was dealt a bad blow. They had filed a patent on their peanut butter and jelly crustless sandwiches.
No, not for political purposes. What’s wrong with you people? He was there for the Veterans of Vietnam Mourning the Loss of the Pope Meeting.
Having had knee surgery recently, he was actually on crutches. Physical crutches, not the “I was cheated out of Ohio” crutch.
I’ll keep you informed of this step by step.
Here’s a great rumor. If it’s true, it’s hilarious.
It turns out that Madonna’s kids primarily speak French. She spends to little time with them that now when she visits, they can barely communicate.
Now it all makes sense. This is why the Liberal Elite love the United Nations – the Interpreters!!
Madonna’s child: Le Blah, le blah, le blah blah blah.
UN Interpreter: Your son wishes to express his happiness at your return from America and asks if you brought him back anything.
I love it!!
That's all. Remeber, I can't hear you laugh. So use the comments to tell us which jokes got a laugh out of you.
As the L.A. Times would say: Enjoy your day, you fascist pigs.
Totally True Tidbits About The American Flag
US forces are doing another sweep for stupid terrorists in Baghdad.
I call them "stupid" because you'd think they'd have learned by now that if you're in a place where you can see an American flag surrounded by American soldiers, you shouldn't be a terrorist there because you'll be dead soon.
I mean, isn't that one of the more obvious things represented by the American flag?
In the extended entry, there's some more
* American flags rarely bite unless provoked.
* Methods of provocation include poking it with a stick or being a filthy hippy.
* Each star on the American flag represents one of the 50 states, although McDonalds is eyeballing the naming rights to the one in the upper left corner
* When a patriotic American dies, the flag is lowered to half-staff. When John Kerry dies, expect to see a week of nationwide double-staffing.
* Monkeys have no flag, and must therefore be exterminated.
* Ditto terrorists.
* And the French.
* Yes, I know, TECHNICALLY they have a flag, but they only every really use the white part.
* Some people think it's unpatriotic to buy an American flag unless it's actually made in America. However it really doesn't matter where the flag is originally made, as long as it eventually flies over bullet-ridden terrorist corpses.
* Or live Frenchmen.
* Trust me, they're on the list.
* If an American Flag becomes worn or damaged, it must be disposed of respectfully by burning it in a solemn ceremony. The flag should be neatly folded, set on top of a commie, and set ablaze.
* If you don't have a commie handy, you can use a Kennedy, although these tend to be soggy and not burn well.
* It is disrespectful to wear the American flag as an article of clothing such as a shirt or a pair of pants. Thongs are ok, though.
* In a fight between an American flag and Aquaman, Aquaman would trip over his own damn feet, fall down, and smash his head open on a rock.
* Some people REALLY shouldn't try to fight on land.
* The best way to illuminate your American flag is to place a halogen light no more than 10 feet from the base of the flagpole and aim it toward the lower right corner of the blue field, although purists insist that you should use rockets' red glare.
* The original design for the American flag featured a coiled snake on a white background and the words "Don't F**k With Me!", which was later modified due to pressure from the FCC.
* The best American Flags are made from the bark of the Tree of Liberty, the roots of which must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots & tyrants.
* If Michael Moore were touched by an American flag, he would immediately burst into unholy flame.
So... what do YOU know about the American flag?
April 10, 2005
Why should April 10th be declared an International Holiday?
Because it's RightWingDuck's Birthday!!
I have to think about how I would have everyone on the planet celebrate.
Parades? Egging Leftist houses?
Hmm. I'll let you guys decide in comments.
BTW - the Number is 37.
April 08, 2005
Evil Glenn - Substitute Teacher
Evil Glenn - Substitute Teacher
8am, University of Tennessee: A thoroughly hung-over Glenn Reynolds staggers into a classroom to begin the day...
(see extended entry)
GLENN: Good morning class. Your regular teacher, Ms. Biddy, looked at me like a hobo when she passed me in the hall yesterday, so I murdered her. Now, because UT professors all have a "Santa Clause" in their contracts, that means I have to teach her Women's History class today. Unfortunately, I had a few too many puppy-coladas last night, so I'm not at my peak. If you have any questions, please whisper them now and then shut the hell up... Yes... you in the "Women need men like a fish needs a bicycle" T-shirt.
FISH GIRL: Why should we listen to you? You're a man. You can't possibly have a valid opinion on anything relating to women.
GLENN: Excellent question - if a bit shrill. Truth is, I know a LOT about women, since I'm part of the dominant male hegemony & actually coined the phrase "barefoot & pregnant"... which is how every one of you bimbos in this classroom would be right now if'n I had my way! However, out of respect for the late Ms. Clinton...
FISH GIRL: You mean Ms. Biddy.
GLENN: No name calling... anyway, I'm keeping my opinions to myself today. I've gone to an objective and woman-oriented source for all the information in today's lecture - www.miss-ogyny.com - and I believe that's the same Gloria Ogyny who wrote the feminist manifesto "Apart From the Sanitation, Medicine, Education, Wine, Public Order, Irrigation, Roads, a Fresh Water System, and Public Health, What Have Men Ever Done for Us?"... Or it might be her sister... I don't know. All you broads kinda blur together after a while.... The point is, everything I'm going to teach today is at least as accurate as CBS News.
FISH GIRL: But you're a man - and therefore evil!
GLENN: A - shrill again, B - my evilness stems more from my thirst for puppy shakes than from gender issues. Besides, in preparation for today's lecture I had a bitch smoothie, so I'm as in touch with my feminine side as I'm going to get.... Now... any more questions? Preferably quiet ones...
FISH GIRL: Is this going to be on the test?
GLENN: Yes it will. And I'll be handing out a sheet with all the information from my lecture on it so you'll be able to pass the test easily. Except I'm going to flunk you out of spite because you're prettier than me, even though you ARE a hairy-legged lesbian.
Now - to the lesson: WOMEN IN HISTORY
* The first woman was Eve, who was invented by God about 6000 years ago after an incident where Adam almost drowned while trying to mate with a mermaid.
* After Eve ate the forbidden fruit, God punished her by giving her a menstrual cycle. Adam's punishment was having to put up with Eve's mood swings.
* Women spent the next 5000 years scrapbooking, and thus accomplished nothing of note, outside of occasionally being barefoot & pregnant.
* Ok, Mary's pregnancy with Jesus is worth noting, but outside of that - ZIPPO!
* More scrapbooking. Move along. Nothing to see here.
* Joan of Arc defeated the British at the Battle of Orleans, but was later put to death at the hands of Xena, Warrior Princess during a "Hot Babes in Armor" competition.
* After gaining fame from creating the first American flag, Betsy Ross opened a scrapbooking store, which gave the women something to do while their husbands won the Revolutionary war.
* In 1784, Hannah Adams became the first woman to make a living as a professional writer, with such best-sellers as "The Proper Woman's Guide to Marital Submission" and "Honey, It Wouldn't Kill Ya to Lose a Few Pounds".
* 1881 - Clara Barton founded the American Red Cross after discovering how funny it was to make her husband scream in pain while poking at his wounds.
* 1916 - Montana elected its first female US House Representative, whose first act was to propose a change to House rules allowing bills to be voted on by saying "AYE" or "NAY" instead of using belching contests.
* 1924 - Texas elected its first female Governor, whose legacy includes making "YEE-HAW!" the official State Motto, and armadillos the official State Roadkill.
* 1935 - Pearl S. Buck became the first woman to win a Nobel Prize for literature for her epic novel "Debbie Does Dallas".
* 1947 - Georgia Clark became the first female US Treasurer. She was forced to resign in disgrace a month later in the scandalous aftermath of instructing the IRS to no longer allow hookers to be deducted as a business expense - a move that nearly crippled the shakily-recovering post-war economy.
* 1981 - Sandra Day O'Connor was appointed to the US Supreme Court, thus putting an end to the Constitutional separation of Scrapbooking and State.
* Nothing but scrapbooking since then.
GLENN: Ok, that's the lesson. Any questions?
FISH GIRL: That's the most putrid, revolting pile of crap I've ever heard anyone spout!... Which is really saying something, since I used to date Andrew Dice Clay. You're a disgusting chauvanistic pig! How that hell do you sleep at night?
GLENN: Naked on a pile of money that I earned from personal injury suit contingency fees, why?
FISH GIRL: OO! MONEY! Say, how 'bout I stop by your office after class for a little... "extra credit"?
GLENN: Depends. How do you look in a latex penguin suit?
FISH GIRL: Like hot, sexy magic.
GLENN: ... WELL!... I think that should about do it for today. Just remember, girls, that the history books are still being written, and there's no reason that every one of you can't accomplish something to earn your place in them. After all, the world still awaits its first female, puppy-blending, blogospheric overlordette. Perhaps one of YOU will be the one who finally gets to say:
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
In My World: Answers of Fury Part III
* * * *
"Hey, honey," President Bush called out to his wife, "They're now playing kung fu movies on C-SPAN."
"That's one of your press conferences, dear," Laura answered.
"Wow! If I knew they were this cool, I would have watched one by now!"
* * * *
White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan crashed through the chairs as the reporters gave way for the fight. Scott was quick to jump back to his feet. "You do not scare me, Shen Po of the New York Times!"
"Ha!" Shen Po laughed, "Then you are a fool, for I fight with the most vicious and deadly kung fu of all... MONKEY STYLE KUNG FU!"
"Noooo!" Scott screamed in fear.
"Baboon Punch!" Shen Po announced as he delivered a punch sending Scott flying across the room. Scott tried to get back up, but Shen Po yelled, "Ring-Tailed Lemur Flip-Kick!" as he delivered another blow to the bruised Press Secretary. Scott made one last attempt to stand.
"Capuchin Chop!" Shen Po struck Scott once more, and the press secretary fell to the ground unmoving. "Your silence in answer to my questions is damning," Shen Po laughed as he stood over Scott, "Muh ha ha ha!"
* * * *
"Why does the New York Times say you had no answer to the question of whether I assassinated the pope on behest of Halliburton?" Bush demanded of Scott.
"Shen Po's questions were to strong for me," Scott answered, "He fights with monkey style kung fu!"
"I'm tired of hearing about the liberal media and their monkey style kung fu!" Bush shouted, "A real press secretary should be able to handle this. I'm sure if I call the pope, he'll know what to do." Bush paused for a moment. "Wait, I had him assassinated on behest of Halliburton." Bush paused. "Grrr! Now I'm all confused." Bush rolled up the New York Times and started hitting Scott with it. "Bad press secretary! Bad!"
After Bush stormed away, Scott ran to the Zatoichi, the blind swordsman. "You have to help me, Ichi!" Scott pleaded, "I don't want to get hit with a newspaper again! I must learn to defeat Shen Po at kung fu!"
"Why do people only come to Ichi if they have a kung fu related problem?" Ichi complained, "Why is it never, 'Ichi, I need help with my car,' or 'Ichi, I have a moral quandary I need your input on.'?"
"I will only help you for three ryo!"
"But you took all my pieces of gold last time we played dice," Scott whined.
"Oh yes," Ichi grinned, "Fine, I will help pathetic, tubby fatman for free. I know of even greater kung fu than monkey style kung fu, but it is extra-hard... for fatman!"
* * * *
Scott walked up to the podium. "I am ready for your questions," he announced, his eyes on the grinning Shen Po.
"Why are Bush's foreign policies a failure and leading to more terror? Is it because he is beholden to the Christian right and corporations?" Shen Po asked.
Scott began to answer, but then Shen Po shouted, "Proboscis Roundhouse Kick!" as he attacked Scott.
The podium was shattered, but Scott was not there. Shen Po looked up to see Scott flying down at him with a kick. "Our foreign policy is spreading democracy in the Middle East," Scott said as his kick sent Shen Po flying backwards, knocking back a number of reporters. Scott then flipped through the air. "The best way to fight terror is elections," Scott stated before landing a flying punch.
Shen Po rolled back to his feet and stared at Scott completely dumbfounded. "Your answers defy logic and gravity!"
"That is because I now use wire-suspended kung fu." Scott spun quickly, finally landing a chop to Shen Po. "Now you will write in the New York Times of Bush's successes or you will perish."
"Lesser-Ape Palm Strike!" Shen Po announced, but Scott flew up twenty feet in the air and came straight down at Shen Po fist first.
"We are making progress at home and abroad," Scott said as he struck Shen Po, "You will all report this or you will die!"
Shen Po was stunned, but then he noticed a nearby closet. He kicked the door open to see a number of men working Scott's wires. "Spinning Buffy-Headed Marmoset Kick!" he yelled as he knocked them all out. He then turned to Scott. "Ha! Now you are grounded!"
"Eep," Scott answered.
"Flying Non-Tarsier Prosimian Kick of Death!" Shen Po screamed as he launched into a powerful flying kick at Scott.
"Cowardly Duck!" Scott squeaked as he ducked and covered his face. Shen Po flew over Scott and through a window, plunging down a cliff that, until now, Scott had never noticed was right outside the press room.
"The Order of the Bronze Mongoose is avenged," Scott announced as he looked out the window. He then turned back to the reporters who were each in martial art poses.
"We have all learned kung fu so we may battle your answers!" said one reporter.
Scott ripped off his shirt. "Then I shall fight you all!"
* * * *
"Scott, did you get in a kung fu battle with the press?" Bush demanded.
"And did it spill out into the streets causing panic throughout D.C.?"
"Sorry, sir. Didn't mean that to happen."
"And did you destroy a wing of the Smithsonian Natural History Museum with a chi blast?"
"It was aimed at the CNN White House correspondent… but sorry, sir."
"You know that museum is full of dinosaur bones?"
"I know. Sorry, sir."
"And you know we can't get more because the caveman killed all of the dinosaurs?"
"I know - well, actually that's factually inaccurate - but I'm sorry, sir."
"That's it!" Bush declared, "I'm banning kung fu from press conferences!"
"But kung fu hasn't been banned since the Lyndon Johnson administration!" Scott protested.
"And it's happening again!" Bush said, "Now go do a proper press conference."
Scott looked down at his feet. "Okay."
* * * *
"Well, all the excitement is over," Scott told the press, "Let's go back to some regular questions with regular answers, and hopefully the American people will end up informed in the end. Now who has the first question?"
"Why are you so fat?"
RWD's News Round-Up, Friday
Hurray! You came back for another day of round-ups!!
I just know we’re going to lose readers once the new Britney/Kevin show gets going.
Are you excited? Britney Spears and her husband, Kevin, have penned a deal to make a reality show based on their daily lives.
Hooray. I was worried about that. We just don’t see enough of this woman.
She’s really excited. If all goes well, she could become the next Jessica Simpson, or Paris Hilton.
He’s excited too. If all goes well, people might stop seeing him as a freeloader.
In fact, they say if you go to Mexico and you don’t have your passport, you won’t be able to get back in. You know what this could lead to? That’s right – Illegal AMERICANS.
I say make them run across the border at midnight. This way we find out who REALLY loves this country.
The Los Angeles Lakers are now officially out of the playoffs. Yep. It’s all over except for watching Shaq on TV trying to win another ring..
So, it looks like Kobe’s court time is going to be coming to an end. - Unless he gets himself arrested again.
In LA we debate whether it was wise to trade the tall arrogant one and have the short arrogant one stay behind.
Man, it’s like the Democrats deciding: John Kerry or Howard Dean?
Except the Lakers know what it's like to win.
I didn’t read the article. It was way over on the other side of the couch. Who knows.
This has not gone over too well. Protesters were planning a massive rally, then they realized it required 20 minutes of standing. So they went to the local IHOP and chanted slogans at the wait staff.
Hey hey. Ho ho. Low fat has got to go.
In Canada, a beer truck toppled, spilling thousands of bottles of beer.
Even sadder, two stray animals were killed. They had beer battered roadkill. They've never seen that in Canada. Kentucky, yes. Canada, no.
In China, those with extra money are now splurging to make themselves TALLER!!
“They had a doctor break their legs and insert steel pins into the bones just below their knees and above their ankles. The pins are attached to a bulky contraption that looks like a metal cage. For six months or so, they will wear this stretching device even though it delivers excruciating pain eased only by medication.
They dial the adjustment knobs daily, forcing the ends of the broken limbs to pull away from each other even as they heal. As new bone grows, the device forces it apart again, resulting in more new bone to fill the gap. Patients on the device typically gain about 3 inches in six months.”
This procedure, developed by John “Daddy Longlegs” Chang, is turning out to be quite popular. Especially among those wanting to be actors.
I can just imagine people in China saying, “I want to be tall, like Tom Cruise or Dustin Hoffman.”
The guys are lucky, their model comes with a remote control.
Two Chinese guys checking out a girl in a bar..
“Hey, she’s hot.”
What gets me is that ACTORS are getting this procedure done! If there’s one place in the world you can hide flaws, it’s in a film!!
“Mr. Cruise. Could you step over here in this light. Wonderful. Yes, stand right there next to the thimble.”
Funny, I once attended a funeral that was caused by 5 queens. Actually, there were four, but then the fifth one fell out of the sleeve...
Mysteriously enough, John Kerry has shown up in Rome on crutches.
His spokesperson says he’s had medical treatment for his knees. It’s from years of marathoning, and hockey playing.
The better question is this: Is he looking taller?
Price for two drinks: $20.00
On the plus side for Vicks, no more waiting in line for the showers!!
Get this. It appears that Vicks sought treatment under a fake name -Ron Mexico.
Which, by the way, is a great name to assume when treating problems “south of the border”.
Vick. Remember, if you wish to come back – you’ll need a passport.
Remember: I can't hear you laugh. Please post in comments and let me know what got a laugh out of you :)
Congratulations to Sergeant Joe Foo' the Marine
As you can see from the comments section here, my brother has been promoted to Sergeant. He told me this was about to happen when I got a phone call from him but also said it was bad luck to mention it before it was official.
Anyway, congratulations and Godspeed, Foo'.
April 07, 2005
The Hate-Filled Lefties
Michelle Malkin had been one putting a lot of pressure to get to the bottom of the Schiavo talking points memo, and, now that it's been shown to have actually been written by a Republican, the liberals are in a feeding frenzy. While everyone who had been on the issue is taking heat, Malkin seems to get the worst barbs because she's not only conservative, but she's also comitted the high crimes of being a minority and a woman (an opinionated one!). For example, she lists some comments from Kevin Drum's blog.
Now, I read Kevin Drum's blog as he sometimes has thoughtful analysis (in contrast to Kos and Atrios who are plain polemics), but he a while ago criticized leading conservative blogs for not having comments. But, what are his comments full of? While there are some people capable of a discussion, the main commenters are DU grade nuts. And, now that they've attacked Michelle Malkin, it's personal.
I call jihad! Spread the word! I say we all go to Political Animal regularly and kick some verbal ass in the comments section. We'll be Drum's moderators since he doesn't seem to mind the idiocy and filth there. It's time to call a spade a spade and a muckadoo a muckadoo.
Who's with me?
UPDATE: Just to clarify, I'm pretty mad about all this and that affects my wit. It's not like I expect more from the monkeys in Drum's comment section (I only comment there out of a Jane Goodall among the chimps sort of curiosity), it's that I expect more out of Kevin Drum. His comments section is a cesspool of human thought, yet he had the gall to tout how his having comments and many right-wing blogs lacking them shows the left's accountablilty and openness.
Openness to calling a kind woman a horrible slur, I guess. Drum better either moderate or admit he's full of it on the blog comment issue.
UPDATE2: Puppy blender to the rescue with making sure more people hear about this.
Letter to Joe Foo' the Marine
I'm thinking I should write another letter to my brother in Iraq, but I can't think of much to say since the last time I wrote him other than that my kitten's new nickname is "lampshade." Should I make something up? If so, how big an incident?
I'm just trying to think what someone in Iraq wants to hear about the homeland. Help is appreciated.
Apparently the Terri Schiavo talking points memo actually came from a Republican (::shakes fist:: Martinez!!!). What other charges against Republicans is also true?
Karl Rove is spying on you right now and wants to murder your children!
Hopefully the New Bill in Florida Will Finally Turn Us into the Wild West
An Editorial by Frank J.
Right now, Florida law says you have to try and flee before you are able to use force in any situation where you are attacked. A new bill which just passed the Florida legislature and is just waiting for Jeb to sign will change that. Now, if you're walking around and you feel threatened by someone - you know, if he like looks at you funny - you can shoot him in both kneecaps and then step on his neck and it's all perfectly legal.
That would be so sweet!
Now, some people are saying this is going to change Florida into the Wild West... but they've said that about every gun bill. If people are allowed to own handguns, it will be just like the Wild West. If people are allowed to carry concealed, it will be just like the Wild West. If the assault weapons ban expires, it will be just like the Wild West ('cept with assault rifles). And I've always been like, "Yay! The Wild West!" and I imagine myself strolling through town in a poncho, and, as soon as someone looks at me funny, I take a puff of my cigar and then sweep the poncho over my shoulder to reveal the six-shooter at my hip. But, so far every time I've done that, people laugh at my poncho, and, when I reveal my gun, the police get called. I tell them, "But I was told it was like the Wild West now!" but they just beat me with nightsticks and handcuff me. Anyway, if you want more details, talk to my lawyer.
This time I'm assured, though, that things will be just like the Wild West because this new bill gives a gun owner more right to use force and just shoot people willy-nilly because he didn't like the looks of them. That's cool because I have the hat and the gun but I need a new poncho because I got spaghetti sauce on my last one. Soon as Jeb signs that bill and I get a new poncho, it's going to be so cool, though.
And does anyone think that this bill will cause ninjas to roam freely throughout Florida? I'm not sure how that would happen, but it would be the ultimate in super-awesomeness. My dream is to be driving to work and have my tire suddenly blow out. I come out of the car to inspect it, and find a ninja star. Next thing I know, I'm in a full-out kung fu fight with ninjas jumping down from the trees.
"Ha! Your kung fu is weak!" I will tell them after defeating them.
"That was some fancy fighting moves, pardner" someone will say mockingly. I'll turn to see three shady looking cowboys, their hands perched over their guns.
"You should see my shooting," I'll say, take a puff of my cigar, and then sweep my poncho over my shoulder revealing my peacemaker.
One cowboy will move to draw, but I'll be quicker, shooting all three of them before any gets a shot off. Then I'll get the manual out of my Hyundai Santa Fe and try and figure out where all the stuff is for changing the tire. And when I get to work and my boss is like, "You're late!" I'll answer, "Had to take out the trash." And then I'll get some coffee and check the DrudgeReport on my office computer.
That would be so sweet!
So it better be true this time about everything turning into the Wild West. The anti-gun folks have cried wolf so many times and gotten my hopes up, so they better be right this time. Otherwise, I'm coming after those fools, because, to me, they look a little threatening.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as "Proper Poncho Care" and "Everything I Needed to Know I Learned from 'The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly'".
RWD's News Round-Up, Thursday
I’m RightWingDuck and I’m here to share the news.
I’d like to start today by doing a rewrite of a joke and offering an apology to anyone who was offended. Typically, I don’t care about offending people, especially if they’re liberal- but when it’s another Army dude, and a faithful reader – then a correction is in order. (Full Disclosure, Duck is a veteran of the US Army)
Old Joke: Army Sgt. First Class Paul Ray Smith died defending his men and saved many lives. His 11 year old son was honored to accept the award on his dad’s behalf.
And following the long standing Army tradition, the young boy then stepped out to celebrate by getting stewed, screwed, and tattooed [The intended humor was in the age. I like the idea of the young boy stepping in to do his dad’s celebrating]
New Joke: President Bush today awarded the first Congressional Medal of Honor of the Iraq war. It is only the third such award given since Vietnam.
The other two were awarded last year to John F. Kerry (with a combat “V”)
Sergeant First Class Paul Ray Smith died defending the lives of his men. His courage is an inspiration to all who have worn, and will wear a United States Military Uniform.
His 11 year old son accepted the award on his behalf. It was a bittersweet moment as they missed their loved one – yet were very proud of what he did.
It was also an odd moment – Dubya kinda lost track of what he was doing and urged all 11-year olds to go out and join the Army.
The young man will be going out to tell the nation his dad’s story. In fact, he’s been so inspired by his dad’s bravery, that he’s telling his story in some very dangerous places: Chicago, Philadelphia, and Neverland.
The President along with former Presidents Bush Sr. and Bill Clinton visited the Pope today.
Jimmy Carter was left behind, not because they thought any less of him, but because somebody needed to stay behind and water the plants, feed the fish, and you know, just keep an eye on things.
President Bush wanted to show strength as well as sympathy, which is why Condi and Laura won out.
When Bob Villa dies, he’ll send Jimmy.
I’ve been saddened lately by the passing of the Pope.
I grew up Catholic but am now Grace Brethren (sort of like Baptist). In reading different articles, it seems that everyone is inclined to state whether or not they are Catholic.
Why is that? We don't say stuff like that at other times.
Illegal Immigration must be controlled (Full disclosure: I’m Mexican)
Hillary Clinton is the devil (Full Disclosure: I’m not female)
The Pope was a good man who practiced his faith and served God his entire life. There are people in line who’ve waited days just to see him and say goodbye. There are people traveling thousands of miles just to pay their respects.
I hope when I die that the people aren’t just lining up to spit on my grave. And if they are, I certainly hope the line takes less than 12 hours.
Have you SEEN that?
Some people waited 12 hours to see the Pope one last time. Man, I haven’t waited that long since my last trip through airport security.
Being allowed to work only 40 hours a week is keeping her from building her empire and is causing her to lose money!!
It’s like prison!
He really irritates the guards when he watches TV – he’s always saying things like, “Hey, I thought I had that guy killed!”
The BBC has egg on its face. Recently they were working on a segment on the music of Bob Marley. They decided to write the Bob Marley foundation to see if they could interview him for a day or two.
Not a problem, except for the fact that he’s been DEAD a couple of decades.
The FBI is trying to convince people that they need to have a more streamlined way of carrying out their investigations. They want to be able to seize information more quickly.
So basically, the FBI would still know nothing – they’d just know much SOONER.
They are hoping the new rules are appoved quickly. They need to act quickly on a hot tip. Pretty soon, they’ll be going off to look for Bob Marley.
You know the drill.
April 06, 2005
Frank, Sarah, and the War on Terror
Not too long from now, Frank J. & Sarah K. will be entangled in the chafing shackles of matrimonial bliss. After all the hectic planning of the ceremony is behind them, they'll once again be free to spend their time doing what they do best:
I imagine that the events I'm about to describe in the extended entry will take place within weeks of their wedding day...
SARAH: frank! it's six o'clock! time for you to breast-feed sydney!
FRANK: I'm kinda busy microwaving a burrito right now. Can't YOU do it tonight? I mean... you ARE more voluminous in the milk carton department.
SARAH: ew! don't be disgusting! my breasts are a sacred gift from God, and are only to be used for feeding human babies and winning t-shirt babe contests.
FRANK: Fine. Just wait until my burrito's done.
SARAH: i. said. now! [pulls out .44 magnum Colt Anaconda and empties 6 shots into the microwave, causing a shower of glass, electrical sparks, and a strange, blue glow]
FRANK: Nice grouping, but there were only 10 seconds left.
SARAH: i'm just thinking about sydney's needs. poor thing's starving! [looks sappily at Sydney] aren't you, sweetie? [reloads]
SYDNEY: squeak! squeak!
FRANK: Well, I guess I can pick the glass out of my burrito later... by the way, Sarah, you seem to have destroyed the shielding around the microwave's radiation source with all your fancy shootin', and I think I've been exposed to a massive dose of gamma radiation, and may even now be radioactive myself... Oh well, time to feed the monkey-cat.
SYDNEY: squeak! squeak!
FRANK: Ok, Sydney, chow time...
SYDNEY: sque-mmrmf... *slurp, slurp, slurp*...purrrrrrr... *slurp, slurp, slurp*...purrrrrrr...
FRANK: Hmmmm... Sydney appears to be taking on a blue glow, just like the microwave... I hope my radioactive breast milk isn't harming her... no, that's ridiculous... cats have built-in lead shielding, don't they?
[The blue glow intensifies, then explodes in a blinding flash, sending Frank flying across the room. He recovers, looks at the top of the couch, and sees that stupid monkey-cat Sydney has been transformed into:
*cue theme music*
Breast-fed mutant ninja kitten!
FRANK: Uh... hey, Sydney... ya know, I was just kidding about that whole throwing you in a bog thing...
JOE FOO': Hey Frank, it's your brother Joe Foo' the Marine, callling from Iraq. I've got a problem and I'm hoping you can help me out. These terrorists are getting really annoying over here. Why just the other day, one of them ran up to me and emptied an AK-47 into my chest from point blank range. Good thing I was wearing one of your Nuke the Moon T-shirts, so all the bullets were deflected. But I can't help thinking about all the good folks here who don't HAVE Nuke the Moon T-shirts. Do you have any OTHER secret weapons you can send over?
FRANK: I... think I can help... what's your mailing address again?
JOE FOO': Just write "Frank J's Brother Joe Foo' c/o the Marine Corps" on it somewhere.... Hey, I gotta run... another Asshat for Allah is opening up on my T-shirt, so I should really go snap his neck... Hurry up with that secret weapon!"
FRANK: Hmmm... ninja kitten... cardboard box... duct tape... some assembly required...
SARAH: frank? whatcha doin'?
FRANK: Supporting the troops.
SARAH: well, i can see that, ya goofy-goof! what i mean is, aren't you going to make some air holes in that box?
FRANK: Silly girl! Everyone knows cats make their own oxygen.
SARAH: air. holes.
FRANK: Fine. *poke, poke, poke* There! Satisfied, Bossy?
SARAH: i am not a cow! waaaaaaaaah!
FRANK: I meant SNUGGLE BUNNY! Look... I'm REALLY sorry. I promise I'll make it up to you. I'll buy you flowers... or a new car... or a new car made out of flowers...
SARAH: i wish we were having sex so that i could threaten to withhold it as punishment!
FRANK: Sarah, Sarah, Sarah... we don't need to have sex... just holding you is punishment enough.
SARAH: awwwww... that's so sweet... now go mail that package to your brother, and on your way back from the Post Office, you can buy me something to appease my wrath...
[Several weeks later, the following letter arrives from Joe...]
Just wanted to thank you for that care package you sent. The tootsie rolls were a little dry and not as chocolatey as I remember them, but that Ninja Kitten came in really handy. I have a few pictures from one of Sydney's recent covert missions:
Sydney has infiltrated a terrorist hideout. Terrorists drink a LOT of bottled water.
A terrorist (apparently feeling overconfident because it was "just a kitten") attempts to use a mere 3-point palm exploding heart technique. However, his kung-fu is weak, and he brings shame upon the house of his master for being a fool.
Sydney summons all her mysterious radioactive ninja powers and...
I swear, all I did was blink, and by the time I opened my eyes again, there was nothing left of that terrorist but a scrap of denim and something that might have been a knee at one time.
That Ninja Kitten is GOOD.
Whatcha been feeding her?
Well, I gotta run. I have to take Sydney to the awards ceremony so she can receive her Congressional Medal of Honor.
Give my love to Sarah.
P.S. How's Sarah enjoying that full-auto Glock you bought for her?
P.P.S. SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!
Monaco's Prince Rainier has died, I think we should do something great for him.
We could, I don't know, name a mountain after him or something.
Prince Albert was at his father's side when he died, Reuters news agency reported.And not in the can as previously thought.
You've Found Your New Pope
I, like many superheroes, am quite saddened by the passing of Pope John Paul II (Nightcrawler is taking it especially hard). Still we must look to the future. A new pope must be selected. Someone just. Someone pious. Someone who can be a spiritual leader for the world.
This sounds like a job for...
Just think of it; there are many similarities between me and Jesus. He can multiply a few fish into many, and I can talk to fish. He can walk on water, and I can breathe under it. Together as a team we would be unstoppable! Even Black Manta would dare not face us!
Now, apparently, the pope is a Marvel superhero, and this could possibly cause some contractual issues. I’m pretty sure this obstacle can be worked around, though.
So how much does this job pay? Well, whatever anyone else is asking, I'll do it for 25% less.
Come on; I'm desperate for work!
Not Cat Blogging
Time for some pictures that don't have to do with cats.
First off, Dave in Texas came to Orlando (which made him "Dave in Florida Who Really Is a Resident of Texas"). SarahK and I said, "Why don't you drive over to Melbourne so you can buy us dinner.
So he did.
Now for more non-cat pictures...
Ha! Fooled you! All the rest of the pictures have cats in them!
"Why Can't we just work together?" Sydney pleads.
I answer, "Because you're dumb and I hate you and I want to throw you in a bog."
Enough of that. I need a dog so I can do "Dog Chasing Cats" blogging.
RWD's News Round-Up, Wednesday
I'm RightWingDuck and I'm here to share the news.
President Bush will be attending the Popes funeral along with Bill Clinton and George Sr.
Why no Jimmy Carter on this visit?
There was no room on the plane, even considering that he offered to bring his own peanuts.
That’s sad. Was Jimmy snubbed?
“Hi Jimmy. It’s Dubya. No, I’m not calling to invite you to the funeral. We already have a token Democrat. Hey, the Oval Office needs some new sheetrock. Can you help us out?”
Some speculate that Carter was snubbed, but really -it was for security reasons. Jimmy is 2,478th in the line of succession.
They didn't want to take any chances.
In New Jersey, the government held a massive Terror Training exercise.
It was totally realistic.
Rescue people practiced removing people from rubble, paramedics trained on emergency procedures, and the press practiced blaming President Bush.
Reader Babaganoosh gave us this next item. (BTW, next time, email the item so I can get your URL for a hat tip – hint-still not too late)
A Burmese woman is breast feeding a set of tiger cubs that are no longer with their mommy tiger.
Experts suspect the baby is picking up some tiger mannerisms. Just last week he was found jumping through a ring of fire.
However, it does get a little difficult when she needs to get them to burp.
My queston is: What makes a woman do this? What is she – a REFRESHMENT stand? This is the kind of woman who stands by the side of the road...
"WHO'S THIRSTY? WHO'S THIRSTY. STEP RIGHT UP!!"
And she stays there all morning long, not letting any of the runners enjoy the marathon.
We’ll see how this one plays out.
Some other sad news.
ABC’s Peter Jennings has announced that he has lung cancer. He sent a memo saying that he will be undergoing chemotherapy – and apologized saying he’ll have days when he’s cranky and days when he’s very cranky.
Which is just what America needs – a reporter who can blame the drugs.
That's tough. It’s been ages since they’ve had a good night’s sleep.
There are too many politicians in DC. The press wasn't sure what to do when somebody finally stepped up to the plate.
DC is the only place where a baseball report says: "And he hit a homerun, completely overlooking the idea of bipartisan support."
But things are moving.
The big hit was the opening day promotional giveaway – Leftover Steroids.
Michael Jackson trial is moving along, and MJ might be in trouble.
A former housekeeper testified that she once saw Michael in the shower with a seven year old boy.
Maybe parents simply MISHEARD Jackson when he said, “Sure, bring the kids over- I’ll WASH them.”
What did they THINK he was saying?
This also explains that mystery song on his last album – “Will you be my Scrubby Buddy”
Scientists are working on a bionic eye
For now, it has very low resolution, but scientists think they can they rebuild it better, and stronger than before –
They can also add that cool bionic sound effect.
Dooo doooo dooo dooo doo
Thanks. As always, I can't hear you laugh. Let me know what got a chuckle out of you.
April 05, 2005
American Idol top 9 - a
Ryan Seacrest is wearing a slinky on his shirt. And that's okay, because he's supposed to look like a goofball.
Scott 01 - "The Impossible Dream" - oh, either the sound is awful again tonight or Scott's not caressing the mic enough. Ok, he looks good tonight, I like him in the suit. I love that song, so I'm not put off by him tonight. But that last note. Whew. Glad that's over. And there she goes again, Paula with her refusal to allow Simon, the only person with an opinion, to actually voice his. I wonder if she'll be all over him again tonight, and will she dance dance dance for us? One can only dread.
Even before we finished fast-forwarding through the commercials, Frank predicted that Constantine would pick the gayest song. Yep, well-predicted, my love.
Constantine 02 - "My Funny Valentine" - I despise this song, ever since we sang it in a Richard Rodgers night in chorale a couple of years ago. Tonight, Constantine's display of affection for America includes a knee-bend, come-to-bed gesture, and oh, I can't be farther from thinking that, dear me. I actually thought he sang quite well tonight, even after picking such a ridiculous and yawnful song. I didn't hate it, and vocally it was probably his best. I'm not sure what he said in his blah-blah session with Ryan after his performance, but there was more come-to-daddy behavior.
Carrie 03 - "Hello Young Lovers" - The dress is hideous, the earrings are cute, the hair is 80s awful. The song was so boring until the end, and oh wow, the big finish was done in fabulous i'm-the-best fashion . She's awesome, but I stayed up really late the last two nights, and I would ask that she refrain from finishing me off in future episodes. I'm trying to stay awake to kick Frank's butt in Puzzle Kombat!!
Vonzell 04 - "People" - I cringed when I heard what she was going to sing. See above, I do not have the caffeinitude to stay awake for this tonight. Ok, her voice is amazing, she doesn't get near the credit she deserves, and let me just tell you that that was better than anything I've ever heard come out of Barbra Streisand's trap. I do love her look tonight, she is beautiful. And Paula looks close to the edge. I don't know, collagen? Salt? Something medicinal?
Anthony 05 - "Climb Every Mountain" - I actually disagree with Simon. Yes, the beginning was like watching two sloths playing the mating dance, but later on, once he started to build and blah blah, I thought it was pretty good. I go back and forth on him every week. Kill me before you make me listen to him again v. nobody speak or move while he's singing lest I miss a single note. Tonight, one of his better ones. Last note = great.
Nikko 06 - "One Hand One Heart" - He kinda cheated by having that lady sing along like it was a duet. Now that the criticism is out of the way, and we know I'm not a Nikko fan, I actually thought that was his best performance. It was the first time he wasn't singing about all the things he'd like to do to me in the privacy of his bedroom. Actually didn't make me feel dirty.
Anwar 07 - "If Ever I Would Leave You" - Please please please be good tonight. Lemme tell ya, that chamber music piano riff during any song makes my eyes glaze over and my mind wander. Oh, he's back. *Sigh* I clapped for real.
I think Simon's in a mood tonight.
Bo 08 - "some song from Pippin" LOL, I love how he picked his song. Close your eyes and cross your fingers. *giggle* I'm such a sucker. He could say "I chose the song that seemed the most liberal of all the songs" and I would giggle, get excited, and defend him vigorously for his pick. I'm hoping for a Hank Williams Jr. or Toby Keith song next week; seriously, if I heard him sing about Uncle Sam, I might just skip around the room. And would somebody please pour the vodka out of Paula's Coca-Cola cup and give her some coffee? That woman is ailing.
Nadia 09 - "If Ever He Needs Me" - She looks fabulous tonight, I love the coiled hair, the dress, all of it. She was great.
I agree, if you're going to go with a musicals theme, at least please sir, don't allow the boring let's-walk-through-the-park-together-in-the-moonlight-and-talk-about-butterflies songs into the repertoire.
My order tonight:
Bo - because he's my favorite
A Balanced Discussion About Social Security
Here we'll take a balanced look at social security with all sides weighing in on the matter.
What is wrong with Social Security?
When will Social Security run out of money if nothing is changed?
Who will use personal accounts?
Describe Social Security in 25 words or less.
Thanks for tuning in.
I Don't Want a New Pope
Sorry I haven't said anything about the pope since he died; I guess I'm going by the maxim that, if you don't have anything profound to say, don't say anything at all. But not saying anything at all isn't an option, so here I am.
As we speak my little kitten is locked in master bathroom with a plastic cone around her head so she doesn’t chew on her stitches and neither does SarahK’s cat, Calico Fats. She's about as pathetic looking as possible (I'll put pictures up later), but I gave her a little piece of plastic to play with all day. Still, I worry. Also, I was drinking from my travel mug and then looked down to find my blue shirt all covered in yellow coffee stains. Stupid travel mug malfunction. Now I'm going to look like an idiot all day.
You're probably wondering why I'm telling you all this.
It's something called "padding." I didn't think I'd have enough to say about papal business so I added that paragraph in to make the post longer.
Back to the pope. Pope John Paul II was made pope in 1978 after the events in Godfather III. Since I was born in 1979, he's been pope my entire Catholic life. You say pope, I think John Paul II. I don't know of any other possible pope. The idea of other popes is scary. I guess this day was coming, but I never really thought it would happen. I expected Pope John Paul II to live to 120 where he was unable to do anything but give a knowing nod... which is popey enough by my standards.
But now he's gone home, and I'm still in denial I guess. When the new pope is chosen and comes out to greet everybody, I guess I'll have to face up to reality and say, "Hey, new pope." Until then, I just don't think my brain is going to register that Pope John Paul II is dead and I am currently popeless.
There been lots of talk about how the next pope might be Latino or black because media loves to speculate about that sort of thing. Me, I just hope they go by one basis when choosing a pope: If you had something where you really needed Jesus, but Jesus couldn't show up for some reason, could you imagine this guy filling in for him? He doesn't have to be as good as Jesus; it's more like when you have people sub for Rush Limbaugh. He just has to be good enough to keep the regular listeners from tuning out.
Because that affects advertising dollars.
I lost focus again. Anyway, I know a bunch of you are going, "I'm not Catholic! I don't care! Say something funny about monkeys!" But I don't care what you think, because I have this big yellow stain on the front of my shirt.
I miss the pope.
RWD's News Round-Up, Tuesday
I'm RightWingDuck, and I'm here to share the news.
The passing of the Pope has touched millions worldwide. Now, the funeral preparations are getting underway as they prepare to receive leaders from around the world.
President Bush will be attending, because he’s President. Bill Clinton might attend because he met the Pope several times, and John Kerry wants to attend because he served in Vietnam.
The interesting part is that the College of Cardinals will be voting for a new Pope. It should go smoothly, provided things don’t get screwed up by the Cardinal from Ohio.
Thankfully, Jimmy Carter will be there to ensure that no funny business takes place.
There are no leading candidates at this point.
However, Zogby Polling stated that in order to win the office, the winning candidate must poll well among Cardinals who are Catholic.
Normally, the voting is done by secret ballot. This election, they’ll be using voting machines from America. So I guess if the machines really are rigged, our next Pope could be George Bush!! (With 1% for Ralph Nader)
The President recently awarded the first Congressional Medal of Honor of the Iraq war.
And following the long standing Army tradition, the young boy then stepped out to celebrate by getting stewed, screwed, and tattooed.
Have you heard about this one? A group has set a goal of creating $100 laptops with the intent of sending them out to less fortunate countries.
Also let’s remind them of the important nations out there who could benefit from this: Harveyville, Monkonia, and Ducky-stan.
This is a good idea as long as these poor families also have other amenities such as food, shelter, and clothing.
Nothing is worse than a starving kid with carpal tunnel.
Here’s a surprising survey. Young teens that having oral sex – isn’t really sex.
Which explains some of their other beliefs: dropping out of school isn’t really like giving up your future.
No really. They did this survey and found out that, for many kids, sex is defined only has intercourse. They don’t consider oral sex to be sexual activity at all.
This has led to an amazing new development: Lots of young guys cruising for girls who Want To Have No Sex.
Well, what do you know? Bill Clinton was right. He did NOT have sex with that woman.
Al Gore has announced that he will be helping to launch a new TV network. The Current Network will cater to the 18-34 year old demographic.
This is so exciting, this is going to make Public Broadcasting look like Public Access.
What’s wrong with young people today? Can’t they appreciate good music?
My dog fluffy has a secret brother.”(Audience gasps)
DA DA DUUUUMM.
“I’m John Kerry. And I’m reporting for doodie.”
Thanks, that's all. Do you have an interesting newsbit? Please email me at rightwingduckatyahoodotcom.
What made you laugh? Post in comments.
Minutemen on the Job!
In Arizona, a group of over 400 well-armed, patriotic citizens - mostly retired men - have taken it upon themselves to patrol the Mexican border to help the Border Patrol stem the tide of illegal immigrants.
Which is fine by me.
But what if their project succeeds and the border becomes secure? What will they do then? Just go home, sit on the couch, and ogle Baywatch reruns?
'Twould be tragic.
Surely there are other projects available for a heat-packin' mob of American Patriots. Projects like the ones in the extended entry:
Clean out my refrigerator - assuming they're trained in proper bio-hazard disposal techniques.
Storm the DNC offices and wrap everything in aluminum foil.
While they're at the border, they can check the signal for Verizon - "¿puede usted ahora oírme?"
I hear Kamp Krusty's looking for new counselors.
Revive the XFL. Maybe having guns involved will boost the ratings this time around.
Mormon Tabernacle Choir & Gun Show.
Form a brute squad to clear the caribou out of ANWR lest they try to murder Princess Crudeoilcup on her wedding day.
Go to Yankee Stadium and stand in line for the men's bathrooms so that women will stop whining about how unfair it is that they have to wait forever to go potty.
Dress up as Indians and attend a Ward Churchill speech, where they can chant "Paleface speak with forked tongue!"
Show up at a Civil War re-enactment and help crush those rebels good & proper.
Tar & feather McCain & Feingold.
Make sure they register with the Federal Election Commission, first.
Celebrate Earth Day by scraping the filth off hippies and making Mother Earth whole again.
Go to a PeTA rally and stand around eating KFC.
Use the bones to spell out the words "People Eating Tasty Animals".
If anything ever happens to Michael Moore, they can all start eating at McDonald's every day to help soften the economic blow to the fast food industry.
Send 'em to France to make crop circles - just to screw with the Frogs' heads.
"Sacre Bleu, Jacques! Aliens! We must surrender immediately!"
Answer CNN News polls - "This just in... Bush's approval ratings are now at 100%!"
They can find Hollywood asshats who promised to leave America if Bush won in 2004 and help them pack.
By "help them pack", I mean "pistol whip them".
Fact check CBS memos
Or at least font check them.
So what would YOU do with 400+ heavily-armed American Patriots?
April 04, 2005
Links of the Day
Super big announcement! The Know Thy Enemy: French t-shirt has been reprinted, with a new line! Even if you have the French shirt, you need the new one because it's improved! Go buy now!
American Digest has a list of Frequently Answered Questions. I wish Frank would post his old FAQ somewhere. Unless he already has, in which case, I wish I knew where they were posted.
MonkeyWatch hates monkeys as much as Frank
Speaking of monkeys, the evil fake sarahK has a picture of Stupid Monkey Purr-Purr. Sydney, you're not an onion ring!
In My World: Answers of Fury Part II
* * * *
Scott McClellan landed a flying kick to the dummy. He then ripped off its arms and beat it to pieces.
"With that," the elder said, "You have mastered the art of responding to reporters."
"What now, master?" Scott asked, bowing before the elder.
"Now you get out of here before your dog attacks a load-bearing stone."
The ancient temple behind them collapsed. Chomps walked forward and spit out a piece of granite.
"Do you know how many thousands of years old that building was?" the elder shouted.
"We'll get you a new one," Scott said, running off, "I need to get to my next press conference!"
* * * *
"Ah, the chubby man returns," Zatoichi, the blind swordsman, remarked as he heard Scott enter the White House, "Yet he walks differently. There is confidence in each step. Feels like earthquake since he's fat. Heh heh!"
"No reporter is going to push me around now!" Scott announced, "I demand respect from all I encounter."
"So why do you not ask angry dog to stop biting your leg?" Ichi inquired.
Scott glanced a moment at Chomps and his threatening glare. "Because I don't mind it."
President Bush ran up to Scott. "We got a problem!" he exclaimed, "I was looking on a globe, and I thought I saw Chile move. Thus, I launched a tactical strike against it. I need you to explain this away to the press."
"It is my duty, and it shall be done," Scott told Bush as he bowed.
"Oh, and pick me up some smokes while you're out."
* * * *
"Hasn't the administration's idiocy destroyed relations with South America?" one reporter asked.
"Foreign relations are a delicate thing," Scott answered, "but it takes a particular wrong move to burst it all apart, much like a certain strike to the chest will explode the heart." Scott then shot out his hand and struck the reporter in the chest with two fingers. The reporter fell to the ground, blood gushing out his mouth. "Perhaps now you see."
"But isn't everything going in the wrong direction with these mistakes?" asked another reporter.
Scott charged him and sent a kick to his face. The reporter's head then flew off his body and rolled along the floor. "This man's head is not a perfect ball, and yet it rolls forward still," Scott said, "And, even with imperfections, our foreign policy can move forward as well. Any more questions?"
The press backed away in fear.
Scott bowed to them. "Then we are finished here."
* * * *
"Wow!" Bush exclaimed to Scott, "You inflicted almost as many casualties on the press as Rumsfeld does."
"But I don’t need to use fancy moves made by Asian homos to do it," Rumsfeld grumbled.
"You know," Bush continued, "every single day you've worked for us, Scott, I've said aloud, 'I sure wish we still had Ari instead of tubbo,' and, until just now, I hadn't said that today."
Scott bowed. "Your words bring me great honor."
"Cool! Now where's my smokes?"
* * * *
Scott looked to the reporters before him. "You have not said anything for the past five weeks. Do any of you dare question the Bush administration today?"
The press shivered, but then one man stepped forward. "I have a question," he said, his voice firm and unwavering, "and it gratuitously mentions Abu Ghraib."
Scott ripped off his suit jacket. "Then you will die!" He launched into a flying kick at the man, but it was blocked and Scott found himself smashing into the ground. Scott then looked up and recognized the reporter. "Shen Po!" he exclaimed, "Enemy of the Bronze Mongoose and new White House correspondent for the New York Times!"
"And the fury of your answers is no match for the power of my questions!" Shen Po laughed, "Now you will tell me where the ancient temple of the Order of the Bronze Mongoose is!"
"But shouldn't you already know where it is since you trained there?" Scott asked.
"Yes, but I lost my MapQuest printout," Shen Po responded, "Now answer so I may destroy the temple!"
"Uh... it kinda sorta already was destroyed... by accident."
"Then I shall take my vengeance against you!" Shen Po yelled and tried to stomp down on Scott. Scott rolled back to his feet and sunk into a fighting stance. "Ha!" Shen Po laughed, "You will not survive! For, with my kung fu, THERE IS NO ANSWER!"
TO BE CONTINUED...
RWD's News Round-Up, Monday
I'm RightWingDuck, and I'm here to share the news.
Some sad news. Pope John Paul II died this weekend.
Catholics around the world mourn the loss of this religous leader.
I'm not Catholic anymore, but I respect any person who dedicates his life to serving the Lord.
I was watching Spanish TV when they broadcast the announcement. The man on the street interviews had people saying things such as, "He made a difference", "He served God his whole life" and "I hope he's in a better place now.
I thought - You HOPE he's in a better place?
Man, if he can't get in, I am so royally screwed....
Seriously...He was a leader who made an impact and I hope his soul is at rest.
Inother news, a man assaulted Pat Buchanan by throwing salad dressing all over him at arecent speech
The young man was arrested on a minor charge as Pat refused to press assault charges.
Man, that is so stressful. In fact, to help ease the stress, Pat will be going away on a vacation... to the Thousand Islands.
Just kidding, I mean to his RANCH DRESSING hahahahahaha.
Koran scholar says that the USA will cease to exist by 2007. They base this from their interpretation of their sacred texts - the ACLU talking points memos.
A new lab study shows that rats laugh when you tickle them.
"Hmmm. Johnson, you know what I'd like to investigate?"
Yes, we know they laugh. But do we know if it turns them on?
The Colorado Governor apologized for making a racially insensitive remark.
Which wasn't as bad as his previous insensitive remark, "How about them Washington Redskins!!"
A top Boy Scout Official has been arrested on Child Porn charges.
The quiet behavior, the odd expressions, the love of Michael Jackson music.The signs were there!!
How many OTHER Scout officals were lobbying for a clothing optional Jamboree?
Question. When he completes his time in prison, which merit badge does he get?
A 37 year old Bronx teacher is in trouble for paying a homeless guy two bucks to take the teacher's certification test.
He answers, "No, I'm my son."
At first I thought - two bucks? what a cheapskate, then I realized - we really need to pay these teachers more. They are so worth it!!
This is sick. Are these kids really inspired by what they see on the news?
Here's an idea!! Try having a news broadcast with students doing their homework and graduating!! Play it non stop on all the networks --- then wait and watch!
Schools in Oregon are limiting junk food sales to students.
Not because it's makes them healthier, they just want them to be smaller targets.
A new government study is out covering the potenial of the internet. Sadly the study was requested 7 years ago.
The report titled, "Signposts in Cyberspace" details a comprehensive study of the internet.
Personally, I read the study and am trying to implement many of its recommendations.
Anybody know where I can get a good deal on a Tandy?
Another study is showing that many of the particles in the air are actualy dandruff flakes.
People are questioning the study because they suspect corporate involvement. The study states clearly that if the right measure were taken, our air could stand HEAD & SHOULDERS above the rest.
So remember, kids - wash your hair faithfully, and when people come to your town they'll say...
Gee, Your Air Smells Terrific!!
Jane Fonda said that the infamous Hanoi Jane picture was a betrayal. She apologized for all of the hurt she may have caused those veterans who served faithfully.
Jane now has something John Kerry will never have. The respect of the Swift Boat Vetreans.
There are many private dentists, but she can't afford it. A least not right now she can't. But factor in the tooth fairy money ... one more tooth.
This story has gotten a lot of coverage here in the states. I guess when you hear about somebody missing seven teeth - it just makes you miss the National Hockey League.
As you know. Baseball was recently raked over the hot coals because they have very low standards.
However, Baseball plans to follow the same Olympic standard.
Fail twice, and no Olympics forever.
I'm not sure he gets it. He hopes he doesn't get voted off right away.
The academy has always done badly in lawsuits.
It's their own fault really.
"Your honor, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, people of California. We come here today to prove to you...
Orchestra Starts Playing..
"Oh, I never have enough time. There are so many people to blame. I should have written this down."
Which is a shame. Really. Because I would kill to hear somebody say...
"And the verdict goes to..this is my favorite part."
The project to build a NYC Stadium has cleared some major hurdles
Original challenges included zoning, environmental reports, and which teamster to bury under the bleachers.
If the stadium, happens - then the Olympics might not be too far behind. This would be good for New York which seems to have difficulty attracting international visitors but DOES seem to get a lot of visitors from Vermont.
The NBA playoff slots are almost decided. The Lakers are so out of it it's not even funny. We in Los Angeles are heartbroken.
The good news is that Kobe Bryant has stated that he's looking forward to next season.
Unfortunately, he meant the next season of the Surreal Life.
Well, that's all for today. Remember to enjoy life. Tonight I'm going to party likes its 2006!!!
What made you laugh? Post in comments.
Now THAT'S a Happy Dance!
As I mentioned earlier, Google's doubling of their storage capacity caused me to do a rhythmless white-boy happy-dance.
I'll bet you're wondering what such an abomination in the eyes of God would look like.
Something very much like this. (safe for work)
April 03, 2005
If One is Good, Then Two Must Be Better
I heard recently that Gmail is upping its storage capacity to TWO Gigabytes from the original insanely large one Gig.
Which news caused me to do a Happy Dance just like Frank J's, except with more rhythmless White-boy arm-flailing, and less hat-tossing.
It also made me think of a few other things that I'd like to see double, which I contemplate in the extended entry:
* Scoops of raisins in every box of Kellogg's Raisin Bran. YAY! Raisins!
* Yeah, you want to be careful clicking that link.
* Middle Eastern democracies - mostly because that would automatically double the number of dead terrorists.
* The number of sharks that have bits of Aquaman stuck between their teeth.
* AOL discs I've used to murder the people who keep mailing me AOL discs.
* Premature suicide-bomber vest-explosions.
* Years since anyone has said "Ted Kennedy should run for President" with a straight face.
* The speed limit, even though I'd still drive 10 over, just on principle.
* My blood alcohol level. WHEEEEE! Drunk blogging! Worship me!1!!!
* Doublemint gum. Quadruple your pleasure!
* Saddam Hussein - so we can hang the son of a bitch twice.
* The speed at which the IMAO home page loads. Being able to read the entries on the same day that I click the link would be kinda cool.
* Cylider capacity on a .44 Magnum. Did I fire 12 shots or only 11? I'll bet you don't feel so lucky now. Well? Do ya... punk?
* The carat weight on SarahK's engagement diamond, so that Frank J. doesn't look like such a cheap-ass.
* Then there's the OBVIOUS answer about what I'd like to get doubled, but Smiling Bob's already hooked me up in THAT department.
And what would YOU like to see doubled?
April 02, 2005
Somebody Once Said
Like I say somebody said that, but I forget Harvey's, I mean, his name.
Well, this particular pagan altar of weekend traffic has boo-koo-dles of readers. More readers in fact, more than than 3-4 thousand more readers than most blogs get on their hottest traffic times (during the work week, if there are simple doofusses out there reading this who don't know what hot traffic times are (oh and work week means Monday thru Friday, if there are any lazy hippies out there reading this (can you put parantheticals inside parentheticals? (I guess so)))).
So, I figure, why NOT post on the weekend? at least I'm not claiming this is brilliant. Weekends don't have to be weak-ends. Sorry that was a really bad pun.
Or should I just not draw more attention to the fact that the others here don't post on the weekend?
April 01, 2005
Exciting announcement . . .
Despite the fun I had with you today regarding the sale of the imao.us domain name to a group of Japanese investors, I wasn't kidding yesterday when I noted that I had made a big deal for the imao website. I'm proud to announce that my first book has just been picked up for publication!
. . . breastfeeding kittens.
Most people don't know that human breastmilk is the best food for kittens and contains the right amount of nutrients, in the right proportions, for the growing cat. A living, biological fluid, it contains many unique components, including lactoferrin for optimal absorption of iron and protection of the gut from harmful bacteria; lipases to assist in digestion of fats; and special growth factors and hormones that contribute to optimal feline growth and development. Furthermore, what's good for kittens is good for cat owners! Breastfeeding kittens is a joyful and relaxing experience that has been shown to lower blood pressure and bring on a sense of peace and tranquility. It's also a boon for the pocketbook--you fellow cat owners know how fast the cost of kitten chow and whole milk adds up!
Now you too can learn about the joys of breastfeeding kittens by purchasing a copy of my new book in the imao.us store:
And don't stop with the book--why don't you also purchase one of my new t-shirts to help spread the good word about kitten breastfeeding.
Remember, a breastfed cat is a happy cat!
Glenn Reynold's April Fool's Day
So I was trying to get my blogging done tonight when the phone rang...
Voice: Hello. I'm calling from the hospital to tell you that your wife was killed in a horrible mangling car accident. We found her nose and ears, but the rest...
Harv: Oh. Hi, Glenn.
Evil Glenn: April Foo... Wait... how did you know it was me?
Harv: You just called me 30 seconds ago with the same line.
Evil Glenn: Oh... must've hit redial by mistake. Well, since I've got you on the line, there IS something I wanted to talk to you about?
Evil Glenn: This Blog War thing is really wearing me down. I want to surrender to the Alliance.
Harv: That's very French of you, but we've been down this road before and you didn't keep up your end of the bargain that time, so I know you can't be trusted. Besides, it's still April Fools' Day and I'm not letting you get me twice.
Evil Glenn: No, no, I assure you. I'm completely serious. No tricks.
Harv: How come you're not surrendering to Frank J.? He's the Fearless Leader of this cabal.
Evil Glenn: I tried, but he's not available. Ya know that "I sold the domain to a Korean handle & grip company" stunt that he pulled?
Evil Glenn: Well, apparently some people didn't appreciate his April Fools' Day gag. A bunch of his disgruntled fans stormed his house in protest. He's in the hospital now and the doctors are still trying to de-rectify the katana sheath.
Harv: Ow! That's gotta be uncomfy!
Evil Glenn: Heh. Indeed. But besides that, it's quite obvious that you're the REAL driving force in this organization. You've told more lies than Al Franken, Janeane Garafalo, and Michael Moore combined. You're like a blogospheric Air America.
Harv [grinning]: Yeah, I'm pretty despicable, ain't I?
Evil Glenn: A man after my own black heart. You're like a son to me.
Evil Glenn: A son of a bitch, but still...
Harv: Hey! Now just a minute!...
Evil Glenn: And another reason I can't hand Instapundit.com over to Frank is that the changeover would be too obvious. I mean, look at IMAO: all that coffee-out-the-nose hilarity combined with witty insightfulness? The brain-dead zombies that read my crap would have seizures. Can you imagine going from "Indeed" to "If there's one thing I learned from history, it's that people from a long time ago were really, really stupid"? - Exploding heads everywhere!
Harv: Hmmm... I see your point. And since everyone reads Instapundit, everyone would be dead, leaving me with one less reader.
Evil Glenn: Exactly. But with YOUR talentless hackery at the helm - transparent transition.
Harv: I see your point, and... Hey!
Evil Glenn: No time to waste. I need to you assume command of my dark kingdom.
Harv: I don't know... I don't think I'm evil enough. I only had ONE year of law school...
Evil Glenn: Feh. The only difference between a law school graduate and a law school dropout is the number of slutty co-eds they coaxed into bed with the line "I'm going to be a lawyer."
Evil Glenn: 111. See?
Harv: Ok, so I'm marginally evil... but running an empire?
Evil Glenn: I have faith in you, Harv. I think if you put your mind to it, you have the potential to be an Evil Blogospheric Overlord. Let's try something... Pretend you're the new Instapundit... imagine yourself sitting on a throne of blackest ice, your filthy talons caressing a keyboard...
Harv: Mmmm... pure evil...
Evil Glenn: Ok, now, tell me the truth... could you blend a puppy?
Harv: No! That's disgusting!
Evil Glenn: Not even a Yorkie?
Harv: ...maybe a small one.
Evil Glenn: Good. Can you murder a hobo?
Harv: ...is he French?
Evil Glenn: Well... he smells like it.
Harv: Off with his head!
Evil Glenn: Worship Satan?
Harv: I DO admire Bill Gates?
Evil Glenn: It's a start. Robot Dancing?
Harv: I did The Hustle once in third grade.
Evil Glenn: Hmmm... maybe you're TOO evil... Anyway, praising commies?
Evil Glenn: Democrats?
Evil Glenn: Hippies?
Harv: Well, I do have a lava lamp...
Evil Glenn: Perfect! Have you ever punched a blogger?
Harv: Kinda. When I was doing The Hustle, I tripped over my own feet and ended up jamming my elbow into some guy's eye socket, which made him scream "BLAAAAGH!"
Evil Glenn: Close enough. How do you feel about penguin porn?
Harv: Sorry. Strictly hetero. I mean, have you SEEN my wife?
Evil Glenn: Hmmm... not bad. Put a few feathers on her and...
Harv: Watch it...
Evil Glenn: Come on, there's gotta be something?
Harv: Let's see... penguins eat fish... fish are the symbol for the astrological sign Pisces... Taurus is an astrological sign... symbolized by a bull... which is a male cow... cows are on the Wisconsin State Quarter... my wife is from Wisconsin... and I DO find HER attractive...
Evil Glenn: That's a bit of a stretch, but I'll give it to you. So... there ya go. You're evil enough to be the new Instapundit. Now, just click on over to my site and I'll give you the keys to the kingdom.
Harv: Oh goody! I can't wait to start to oppressing the blogosphere! Hah. Hrmmm. Indubitably.
Evil Glenn: Now just type in the password as I give it to you...
Harv: Ah, the POWER!
Evil Glenn: A... P... R... I... L...
Harv: Ok, go on.
Evil Glenn: F... O... O... L
Harv: Ok... I hit enter, but nothing happened.
Evil Glenn: Uh... let me spell that to you again... A... P... R... I... L... F... O... O... L
Harv: Nope, still nothing.
Evil Glenn: You idiot! April Fool!
Harv: You're the idiot! That password doesn't work!
Evil Glenn: You... never mind. Look, you just keep working on it. I'm gonna go pop a Schnauzer in the Waring. Call me back once you figure it out... Dumbass.
So as soon as I get this password to work, Instapundit.com will FINALLY be under Alliance control. I'll let you know as soon as I crack his site.
On a More Serious Note
Just got a call from my borther, Joe foo' the Marine, in Iraq. That reminds me, I forgot to thank whoever it was who directed me to motomail.us. Anyway, he says he is getting a lot done, morale is great, and he's happy to be there (most of the time). Please keep him in your prayers.
Also, the pope seems to be in a pretty bad condition. I know he'll stay here and do what he can as long as he is able, so I wouldn't count him out just yet. Please pray for a good man who has fully devoted his life to the betterment of mankind.
On a lighter note, I got Sydney back from the vet from being spayed. She was hissing and clawing at everyone, and they had to use gloves to give her to me. She was happy to see her daddy though. Minerva, on the other hand, keeps hissing and spitting at her because she smells like the vet's office.
I am very happy to tell you that IMAO.us has not been boughts by Japanese company. You may view phony site here.
This is "quality" group effort for joke, with Scott comings up with the idea and doing much of work. We hopes we did not scare you and continue to enjoy IMAO.us for very long life.
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