About IMAO



Giving money to Frank J. makes you happy!

Buy funniest book ever!
Buy funniest book ever!




IMAO Podcasts
IMAO Merchandise and Newsletter

Cool shirts, mugs, stickers, and what-not!

About IMAO
Then conquer we must, for our cause is just, 
And this be our motto--'In God is our trust.' 
And the star-spangled banner in triumph doth wave 
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave.


If you want to send something by snail mail, e-mail with subject "P.O. Box" to get mail information for Frank J. and SarahK.

Bloggers:
Frank J.
Harvey
RightWingDuck
Cadet Happy
spacemonkey
Laurence Simon
SarahK


Popular Categories
Fred Thompson Facts
John Edwards Fabulous Facts
lolterizt
IMAO Condensed
Know Thy Enemy
Editorials
Frank the Artist
In My World

Other Content
Ode to Violence
Brief Histories
IMAO Audio Bits



Read the Essay
Own the Shirt
Peace Gallery

Search IMAO
Google
Web www.imao.us

Testimonials
"All quotes attributed to me on IMAO are made up... including this one."
-Glenn Reynolds

"Unfunny treasonous ronin!"
-Lou Tulio*

"You, sir, are a natural born killer."
-E. Harrington

"You'll never get my job! Never!!!"
-Jonah Goldberg

"In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. And He did despair, for in His omniscience, He did know that His creations had but three-fifths of the splendor of that which would be IMAO."
-No One of Consequence

"A blogger with a sense of humor."
-Some Woman on MSNBC
Blogroll
Ace of Spades HQ
The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler
Blackfive
Captain's Quarters
Classical Values
Conservative Grapevine
The Corner
The Daily Gut (with Jim Treacher!)
Dave in Texas
Eject! Eject! Eject!
Electric Venom
Hot Air
Puppy Blender
La Shawn Barber's Corner
Michelle Malkin
Pereiraville
Protein Wisdom
Rachel Lucas
Right Wing News
Scrappleface
Serenity's Journal
Townhall Blog

IMAO Blogroll
Bad Example
Cadet Happy
The Flying Space Monkey Chronicles
mountaineer musings
Right Wing Duck
SarahK & Cadet Happy snark TV
This Blog Is Full of Crap

Fred Thompson Links
Fred File
Blogs for Fred
Fred Thompson Facts
Awards

 
April 30, 2005
Stirring up a WASP's Nest
Posted by Scott McCollum at 11:31 PM | Email This

On Friday I asked IMAO Fans for advice on some tough decisions I had to make regarding if I should break the promise I made to myself about not seeing the next Star Wars movie (even if it was free) and the radio talk show I was producing/co-hosting on Saturday. The lineup of expert panelists I'd found (mostly from organization in and around Seattle, near the show's studios) to discuss the "Big Tent of Ideas" on Republican Radio were all upper income, old, white Protestant males.

As per the advice of IMAO Fans, I'm going to see Episode III, but the Republican Radio outcome was very controversial...

Read More...


Rating: 2.6/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (7)
April 29, 2005
Questions for Glenn Reynolds
Posted by Harvey at 10:44 PM | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

The vile and despicable puppy-blender will be attending the BlogNashville wing-ding next weekend. Sadly, I will be unable to attend due to outstanding warrants in Tennessee (hey... she LOOKED 18). However, if I'd been able to make it, and if I'd been able to get some face-time with that over-rated ambulance-chaser, I'd have had a few questions for him, which I'll list in the extended entry

Read More...


Rating: 2.4/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (3) | Filthy Lies
I've got some tough decisions...
Posted by Scott McCollum at 05:47 PM | Email This

I have a couple of tough decisions to make in the next 24 hours and hope that the IMAO Fans can help a brother out:

1) I am co-hosting the Republican Radio talk show tomorrow here in Seattle (broadcast live from 11am-1pm Pacific Time on the Internet via the Universal Talk Network) and I'm frustrated with the guests they've got lined up: Dr. James Marlowe of the Evergreen Historical Preservation Society, Trevor Cranston-Smythe with Washingtonians for Liberty, and William Pitts, the co-founder of the Legal Immigration Foundation. My problem is that none of these guys sound very exciting and they all sound like the old rich WASP everyone thinks of when they hear the word "Republican." Should I be worried about reinforcing a stereotype?

2) My day job is offering to send me to a private screening of Star Wars Episode III for free, but I have already promised myself that after Episodes I and II that I wouldn't be screwed again by George Lucas. Should I break my own promise and take the free ticket?

Deep, meaningful conservation shall ensue in the Comments section, I'm sure!

Rating: 2.0/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (32)
Still Resting Up
Posted by Frank J. at 01:40 PM | Email This

I decided to still rest up today, but I'll be back Monday with the next part to IMW: Aw, Hell. Also, I'm having my crack research staff look into the Minority Leader, Harry Reid. Plus, the whole IMAO gang has a number of different projects brewing.

Now, some blegging. The wedding will probably be in December, and we're thinking of honeymooning in Australia. Any tips on how to make a good vacation packages and any info from some locals? All help will be appreciated.

Rating: 2.8/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (23)
Crappy Birthday, Saddam
Posted by Harvey at 08:29 AM | Email This

The boys over at Cox & Forkum remind us that yesterday was Saddam Hussein's 68th birthday. I should have gotten him something, but I had trouble deciding:

* Jalepeno underwear

* Razor blade mattress

* Bandsaw eyebrow plucking

* Plastic shredder shoes

* Cheese grater manicure

* Columbian necktie

* Hot wax eyedrops

* Rabid weasel bath

* Ben Gay Q-tip ear cleaning

* Anthrax omelette

* Tarantula enema

Got any suggestions?

Rating: 2.6/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (41)
A Post - by Ducky the Bull
Posted by RightWingDuck at 01:30 AM | Email This

Hi Gang.

RightWingDuck here. You know, I've been reading the paper and following these mobsters that got picked up by the FBI. These guys are accuses of a lot of stuff - some of them murders that go back 20 years.

What's weird is that these guys are upset that we would even THINK that they are mobsters. See, it's okay for your business card to read, Sammy The Snake
it's another thing to have the job title: Legitamite Businessman.

That got me to thinking...

What Mob Nicknames would YOU give some of our favorite public figures?

Here are my nickname entries along with an overview of their "mob profile"

President Bush: Junior
Don't let his name lead you astray. He's the one man you can't mess with. Don't let the broken crayons fool you.


VP Cheney. Dick "The Chiropractor"
He'll @#& break your back in a VP debate if you mess with him.


Laura Bush: The Hush Puppy
This sweet librarian requests that you keep it down. Or you'll be dealing with Chiro and Junior.


Senator Ted Kennedy: Teddy "The Liver"
You can mess with him - but there's a two drink minimum.


Senator Kerry: Johnny "The Weathervane"
The only mobster to belong to ALL of the major mob families!

Former President Clinton: Billy "The Zipper" Clinton
Loves the cigars, the ladies, and ladies with cigars. Also likes sex. What the hell are you lookin' at? Oh, how YOU doin'?


Senator Clinton: Hilllary "The Nutcracker"
Get your damn hands off my husband.


Former National Security Advisor Sandy Berger: Sandy Scissorpants
Evidence, shmevidence. Stick it in his pants. It's as good as gone. Why yes, he IS happy to see you.


Howard Dean:
Howie "The Scream"
This screaming mad dog of a Democrat is mad. And he hates Republicans and everthing they stand for. Great for children't parties.


Film maker Michael Moore: Mikey "The Equator"
He's big. He's fat. He's big and fat. Also makes movies. Has video evidence that George Bush shot JFK. It's already up for an Oscar.

**


Now it's YOUR turn.

Let's start handing out those cool nicknames. Who comes to mind? Dan Rather? George Soros? Maureed Dowd?

Post in comments.

Rating: 1.6/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (32)
April 28, 2005
The First! Carnival of Comedy
Posted by spacemonkey at 01:30 PM | Email This

First!
That's right, first.

Welcome, one and all to the......

first,
the prime,
the initial,
the primordial,
the instigational,
the premier,
the maiden,
the earliest,
the original,
the pioneer,
the primary,
the beginning,
the inaugural,
Carnival of Comedy.

Don't all those synonyms for 'first' line up look a lot like the numeral one? Well, who cares what you think? I think they do and I am your host, spacemonkey.

This carnival of comedy is going to be more fun than a barrel full of... submissions. You thought I was going to say more fun than a barrel full of monkeys, didn't you? Admit it, you did. Well, hah! I'm proud to say I resisted the urge.

What? I said it anyway? Well, crap. I told myself and TOLD myself I wasn't going to bring up monkeys. Frank J. hates them (monkeys) so. Then what do I do? I bring up monkeys. Great.

Man.

But I can't let my failures as host stop me. I must move on, there's a Carnival of Comedy to start.

Speaking of submissions (remember? I was talking about the submissions a while back, before I got on the monkey bent) we do have a barrelful. Not a literal barrel, of course. As that would just be silly. I suppose I could print them out, I guess and they might fill a notebook. But saying a notebook-full of submissions isn't as nearly as funny as a barrel full of, not monkeys, but submissions. Is it? I don't think so.

A notebook-full of monkeys might actually be funnier than both of the other sayings, but it would be inaccurate seeing as I have Carnival of Comedy submissions and not, in fact, monkeys. I always strive for accuracy. That was why I admitted to not actually having a barrel.

We do have a record number of submissions for a Carnival of Comedy on IMAO if memory serves and it being the first one and all. You'll have to count them though, the number gets so high I have to take my shoes off to count them and I'm not allowed to do that at work any more. For a few reasons that I won't go into here.

That said, the number of submissions is, like, WAAAAY more than 10 as you can see for yourself. Unless, of couse, you are a total moron, then I suppose you'll just have to take my word for it. Even I can tell its more than 10. I wouldn't need to take my shoes off otherwise.

Of course, I don't think there are any total morons who read this site regularly. But it is a special day after all and there might be some who were brought in by bus for the occasion.

As hoped, the submissions range all over the comedy spectrum from funny pictures to essays to lists to howtos, there's even an ebay auction.

Enough lead in I suppose so lets all take our shoes off (if we are allowed), kick back, put the drinks away and on the count of one, start the carnival.

All Ready? All together.

Read More...


Rating: 2.6/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (24)
I'm Sick and Joe's Hot
Posted by Frank J. at 01:16 PM | Email This

Sorry for no post, but I'm home sick. I got woken up this morning, though, by a call from my brother, Joe foo' the Marine, in Iraq. Says he's really getting good with his Arabic and the locals are all friendly. A lot of the time they aren't doing much, so the military has a bunch of signs up saying, "Complacency Kills." Now everyone wants to name his tank "Complacency" since "Complacency Kills."

Joe also says nothing is as bad or as good as either side would make things out, so take all news with a grain of salt. Anyhoo, I'm getting back to bed. Be honorable, ronin.

Rating: 2.5/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (12)
RWD's News Round-Up, Thursday
Posted by RightWingDuck at 11:06 AM | Email This

Hello,

I'm RightWingDuck and I'm here to share the news.

In England, Channel 5 has announced plans to air a hip, edgy reality series – LIVE plastic surgery.

Do they mean live-live? Yes, as in the coverage features real plastic surgery in action!!

Imagine having to be the play-by-play team on THAT one.

“What’s he doing now, Jim.”
“Well, Bob, Dr. Smythe appears to be using the number 5 scalpel”
“Why do you think he’s doing that?”
“Well, Bob. If you recall, he hurt his shoulder in the Johnston liposuction.”
“Indeed.”

In yet another ground-breaking move, Channel 5 launched an even edgier, hipper new series. “Live Plastic Surgery- Bloopers.”

“What’s he doing now, Jim.”
“Well, Bob, Dr. Smythe appears to be using the number 5 scalpel”
“Why do you think he’s doing that?”
“Well, Bob. If you recall, he left the number 4 scalpel inside Mr. Jones.”
“Indeed. Ha ha. Let’s watch that footage now”

Speaking of surgical bloopers…

The Michael Jackson trial is still just too much fun to watch.

Debbie Rowe, Michael’s ex-wife took the stand today. She was artificially inseminated. And Michael might not even be the father!!

Oh my goodness.

We should have known. Those young kids don’t resemble a young Michael Jackson at all.

On second thought – even Michael doesn’t resemble a young Michael Jackson.

Read More...


Rating: 2.0/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (13) | News Round-Up
April 27, 2005
New Weapons for the Troops
Posted by Harvey at 08:53 PM | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

The best part about starting unprovoked wars of aggression in the Middle East - besides getting to steal all that sweet, sweet oil - is that is leads to the development of fun new weaponry. For example, the enchanting and addictive new XM8 Assault Rifle (see the video here, featuring R. Lee Ermey).

Using my secret Pentagon connections, I've discovered more cool things we can expect to see in the near future, and I've listed them in the extended entry:

Read More...


Rating: 1.8/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (9) | Precision Guided Humor Assignments
"The Castle Doctrine" Would Be a Great Name for a Gun
Posted by Frank J. at 12:09 PM | Email This

Hey! It's your favorite Frank J. - The Frank J. - the unquestioned overlord of the blogododecahedron, here to talk about firearms, so listen up.

Now, as you may have heard, a new bill has been signed in my state by Jeb Bush (we have our own Bush in Florida) that changes self-defense laws so that a citizen no longer has to attempt to flee from an attacker before using lethal force. Also, the castle doctrine has been expanded so that you can pretty much blow away any mo'fo' who breaks into you house - no questions asked (info on bill here; will come into effect October 1st).

Now, the critics, of course, are saying this is going to turn Florida into the "Wild West" as they do about every self-defense. Since there are plenty of states that already have similar laws and don't have any problems, the critics might as well be arguing the earth is flat. Still, they think that now, anytime someone feels threatened, he's going to start shooting and we'll get this:

Read More...


Rating: 2.1/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (60) | Frank on Guns
Hey Everybody!
Posted by spacemonkey at 10:59 AM | Email This

Hey everybody! spacemonkey here to bring you the news.
-No, thats Right Wing Duck.

Read More...


Rating: 2.3/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (4)
FYI for People Who Are Cool
Posted by Frank J. at 08:27 AM | Email This

The trailer for the movie based on the series Firefly is here.

Still have to get SarahK to watch the 14 episodes on DVD, but I have until September.

Rating: 3.2/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (21)
Tips for smearing an American Idol judge
Posted by Scott McCollum at 01:41 AM | Email This

Disgraced former American Idol contestant Corey Clark (he was the tall semi-guy from a couple of years ago with frizzy hair, a weirdly high Michael Jackson voice, and a penchant for beating up little girls) is peddling a book detailing how AI's Pollyanna-ish judge Paula Abdul "paid his expenses and promised to pay $2 million towards his pop career if he kept their romance secret."

I don't know who Corey's ghost writer is, but Corey's agent shouldn't have let him write his own book proposal...

C'mon, who here thinks Paula Abdul has two million bucks to throw around? She hasn't had a hit in over fifteen years, she is just a cast member rather than "producer" of AI(meaning she doesn't have profit sharing when the show does well), and obviously has to drive her own car rather than have a limo driver.

I know Paula's a has-been but what kind of idiot never-was would publicly claim: "Paula Abdul said she pay me $2 million if I didn't tell anyone we had sex"?

Dude, have the sex and take the $2 million... Unless the publisher gave you a $3 million advance on your book, you ain't gonna get a better deal than that.

Rating: 2.4/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (3)
April 26, 2005
AI top 6
Posted by sarahk at 09:44 PM | Email This

songs from the aughts.

Carrie 01 - She is soooo good. Outstanding. I disagree with Randy, she was on key. For the record, I hate the song, one of Martina's worst songs ever (because I don't like songs about God-fearin' women goin' wild, I'd like to think that God-fearin' women choose to be good, but anyway...). However, she did an excellent job given what she was singing, and bless Simon, he's English, and he knows that's why he doesn't like county. He's giving her a record contract whether she wins or not, if I'm a guessin' girl.

Frank said Paula doesn't seem drunk tonight, but I say Paula's trying not to seem drunk, because she understands that we at IMAO are talking.

Bo 02 - That song is too low for him, actually. He was losing the low notes and playing it off as "oops, i accidentally took the mic away too soon", but Bo, you can't fool the young muser. :-) That said, I adore the outfit, would love to see Frank walk around at Disney World with that on, and I'm voting for Bo tonight.

Frank says that the great thing about Bo is that he's manly enough that guys can vote for him without feeling gay, unlike Constantine. Poor Constantine the Camera Molester.

Read More...


Rating: 2.6/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (13)
the secret ingredient is . . .
Posted by Cadet Happy at 12:25 PM | Email This

. . . corruption

un.jpg

Rating: 3.2/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (13) | ignis fatuous
In My World: Aw, Hell
Posted by Frank J. at 11:34 AM | Email This

The Dark Empress sat at her throne, observing the news on multiple T.V. monitors. "All goes as planned."

"But Empress," said one of her servants, "the Republicans still hold power!"

"Fool!" the Empress shouted, "That is what I wanted. We wait for 2008 for my rise to power and the destruction of the world. Until then, we weaken the Republicans’ power." The Empress turned to face those before her. There was a towering demon, its eyes glowing of fire, horns spiraling from his head, and dark wings large enough to block the sun. He kneeled before the Empress and spaketh in a voice that would chill the soul of mortal man.

"I am Moloch, and I pledge to you the armies of hell." Behind the terror were countless more demons, gnashing their teeth and clawing the air in their hatred and anger.

Next to Moloch kneeled a man in a suit. "I am George Soros, and I pledge to you the armies of MoveOn.org." Behind the Hungarian were countless liberals, gnashing their teeth and clawing the air in their hatred and anger.

The Empress smiled. "And now the attack shall begin."

* * * *

"Pedro, I'm going to make a run for it."

"No, Sanchez, you don't want to try and cross into America now."

"Why not, Pedro? Because of those loco MinuteMen?"

"No. Because of the one know as 'El Estrangulador Rumsfeld.' All who sneak across the border are found dead with a note saying, 'Soy Donald Rumsfeld, y estrangulé a este hombre.' No one is sure what it means."

"That's just a crazy legend, Pedro."

"No! It's true! Also, with him is the beast known as 'El Chompacabra.' It is a monster composed only of teeth and anger."

"You believe too many silly stories, Pedro. Anyway..."

Beside the two, the earth ripped open and out poured forth the demons of hell, all running northward towards America and destroying everything in their path.

"Pedro! We must flee!"

"Yes! We must... oh, it's siesta time. We nap, then we flee."

* * * *

Chomps growled, angrier than his usual growl.

"What is it, boy?" Rumsfeld asked, not looking up from one of his war books.

Chomps wasn't sure. He felt angry at the very fabric of existence itself. Not sure how to maul the very fabric of existence itself, he attacked a potted plant.

Rumsfeld’s phone rang and he answered. "Hello."

"It's me, the President... President Bush, that is... the second President Bush. We've got trouble."

"What kind of trouble?"

"Big trouble."

Rumsfeld grabbed his strangling gloves and headed out the door.

* * * *

"I've called you all to the war room because America is under attack from the forces of hell itself," Bush announced. "Mexican Attorney General, have you made any progress in stopping them?"

"They ain't exactly obeying the authority of the police," Gonzales answered.

"Well, have you contacted your brother Speedy to help out?"

Gonzales settled back in his chair and put his sombrero over his face. "One of these days I'm gonna cut you, you stupid gringo."

Bush tuned to Condoleezza Rice. "So what's the situation with other countries?"

"None are reporting any similar attacks."

"Just us then," Bush mused. "I wonder how the National Guard is doing. Someone radio them."

Over the speaker came, "This is Buck the Marine. I was on leave, but I heard fighting so I decided to join in."

"Kill any?" Bush asked.

"Ya see, that's the thing: they ain't exactly... what's that word... sounds like 'corporal'..."

"Corporeal," Condi answered.

"Yeah. They ain't that," Buck said, "I shot them good, but that didn't do nut'n. So I then tried praying at one, and stuck it with my KaBar. That sorta worked."

"Back when I was a kid," Rumsfeld growled, "When we got attacked by the legions of hell, we didn't make a big deal about it. Just grabbed a few holy artifacts and chased them away."

"That's what we need!" Bush exclaimed, "Holy artifacts!" He picked up the phone and dialed seven sevens. "Jesus, I need your help... Oh, Jesus isn't there. Could you leave Him a message, then? ...Tell Him if this is the end of time and there was a rapture, He forgot me and needs to come pick me up. If this isn't the end of time, then we need some help fighting the demons of hell and He's the only one who can give it because Buddha stopped returning my phone calls." Bush hung up. "I'm sure Jesus will get some help for us quick; He's one nice guy. Comes from a good family."

"Uh, Mr. President," White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan called out.

"Scott, I told you that when important things are happening that you're not allowed to talk," Bush responded angrily.

"But you might want to see this." Scott pointed to a T.V. screen on which a commercial was playing.

"Now, under Bush, we're being attacked by the legions of hell," the announcer said, showing scenes of the chaos. "Why? Because of the Bush administration’s association with the religious right. We've left the citizens of hell feeling like pariahs to our own government which should represent everyone. Just listen to this man who is foreign and thus smarter than you."

A Frenchman appeared on screen. "We care not for religion in our superior country, and thus we are not attack be zees devils. Peh! I spit on your stupidness."

"Wise words," the announcer continued, "but what does Mr. Bush do when trouble appears."

There was a still image of Bush on screen with his voice saying, "Jesus, I need your help."

"They tapped my phone!" Bush exclaimed. He then took out a hammer and smashed the phone to pieces. "That'll teach 'em."

"Is this separation of church and state?" the announcer asked, "Mr. Bush is only causing more attacks. If we want peace, we have to reject the religious extremists and reject the Republicans who are beholden to them. So, disassociate yourself from any religiousness, and the demons will leave us alone."

The final screen displayed the words, "This message was paid for by MoveOn.org."

"Stupid 527s!" Bush yelled. "Get McCain in here!"

Senator John McCain came in the war room. "What is it?"

Bush punched McCain in the face, dropping the Senator to the floor. "You're as mean as the Vietnamese!" McCain cried.

Bush shook his fist at McCain. "I'm just getting started." He then turned to face everyone else. "We have a big problem ahead of us, and we need to be together in facing it... even with the liberals nipping at our heels. This will be a big challenge, and it won't just be solved by punching McCain."

"Can I punch him anyway?" Condi asked.

"Sure."

TO BE CONTINUED...

Rating: 2.2/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (36) | In My World
Totally True Tidbits About Saudi Arabia
Posted by Harvey at 07:52 AM | Email This

President Bush met with Crown Prince Abdullah of Saudi Arabia in Texas yesterday where they discussed important things like the price of oil and how Saudi Arabia might become our newest nuclear weapons testing ground if they don't get on board the anti-terror train in a big hurry.

WOOOOOO! WOOOOOO!

But the sad fact is that most Americans don't really know all that much about our partner in the Middle East. Except that they're only a "partner" in the sense that - in the war on terror - they provide the terrorists and we provide the kill'n. So to make us all a little wiser, I Googled my little heart out and present (in the extended entry) the following

TOTALLY TRUE TIDBITS ABOUT SAUDI ARABIA

Read More...


Rating: 2.9/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (14) | Totally True Tidbits
RWD's News Round-Up, Tuesday
Posted by RightWingDuck at 01:43 AM | Email This

Hello,

I'm RightWingDuck, and I'm here to share the news.

Two reporters were dismissed by their paper for drinking on the job. Really, they were doing an article on drinking on college campuses. They covered the parties. They covered the Beer-Pong tournaments. They didn’t cover that they themselves joined in on the drinking.

Which makes sense. When a reporter covers a baseball game, I expect him to give me the score. I don’t expect him to get an ‘at-bat’.

Editors just know these things. Besides, the reporters left behind too many clues. The bad spelling. The run on sentences. The accurate facts.

These are signs that an editor looks for.

So the guys are sad to be fired – but excited to be in the semifinals of Beer-pong.

Russian President Vladimir Putin is making headlines. He was quoted as saying that the collapse of the Soviet Union was a "genuine tragedy”. This really shocked the people in the audience.

He then went on to discuss other sad tragedies – such as running water, electricity and the discovery of the Polio vaccine.


You know things are bad when you're missing the old day. The days when your power was absolute. The spreading of your message to neighboring states everywhere, the leading of people through false propaganda – the rule with an iron fist. Now you know how the Democrats feel.

Read More...


Rating: 2.6/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (13) | News Round-Up
April 25, 2005
Everything Is Back to Normal
Posted by Frank J. at 04:15 PM | Email This

Comments are now working again. Please stop sending me e-mails of panicky gibberish and go ahead and comment on all the funny you weren't able to comment on before.

Rating: 2.2/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (15)
FAQ on the Current Comment Crisis
Posted by Frank J. at 04:02 PM | Email This

Q. Why can't I comment on posts?
A. Because comments aren't working.

Q. Why aren't they working?
A. I dunno.

Q. When will they be working?
A. I dunno.

Q. What efforts are being made to get comments working again?
A. I wrote an FAQ.

Q. That doesn't seem like that will fix anything.
A. And that doesn't seem like a question.

Q. I never wanted to comment anyway.
A. And I didn't want to read your comment.

Q. I guess we're both happy then.
A. It certainly seems that way.

Q. Fine.
A. Fine.

UPDATE:

Q. Hey, they're working now!
A. That's 'cause I'm smart.

Q. Why did they stop working in the first place?
A. Because... uh... I can't talk about an investigation in process.

Rating: 2.5/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Mmmpf
Posted by spacemonkey at 03:44 PM | Email This

Wmmppf mmmmmmpf mmp cm-mmps mm dmmpf!

Thmmp-sms fffffmmmmmpff stmmmpppd cmm-mmps!

Aahh hmmp frmnfef fmmfedf cmm-mmps smmm!

Rating: 2.4/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (14)
You could WIN!!!
Posted by RightWingDuck at 03:17 PM | Email This

Yes, you could win a million dollars just by being one of the first 20 people to respond to this post!!

Enter comments NOW!!!


NOW. NOW. NOW.

What are you waiting for?

Disclaimer: Million dollars payable in Martian Currency (the earth rock) Payable one dollar a year for a million years. This offer void if comments manage to somehow come back on and people start leaving comments. Please post responsibly. Chances of winning are zero in a million.

Disclaimer's disclaimer. Martian Currency is used in all intergalactic transactions. Not valid in the United States or any country on planet Earth. Dollars may be redeemed on the Planet Dingle-don. Hee hee, Dingle-don.

Disclaimer disclaimer's disclaimer. Nobody knows why the comments are off. We ask for your patience and encourage the use of "imaginary comments." Try standing on a street corner and randomly yelling "First" at people. When they look at you weird just say, "Ha ha. LMAO!!"

Other Disclaimers. Neither RWD nor IMAO encourage the yelling at complete strangers. Although if you are at a nightclub and trying to talk to somebody, it might appear that you are yelling, when indeed the background noise is so loud that you would be stupid to speak in a regular voice.

Rating: 2.8/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (27)
Bolton Angry! Bolton Smash!
Posted by Frank J. at 12:26 PM | Email This

There has been lots of charges of John Bolton having an anger problem. This is quite common, and I came up with a list to tell whether your nominee for the U.N. ambasador has an anger problem. Luckily enough, the items are ten in number.

TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR NOMINEE FOR THE U.N. AMBASSADOR MAY HAVE AN ANGER PROBLEM

10. Upon his employment, there was a simultaneous increase in drywall repair and employee leave because of concussions.

9. Notch on his desk for every time he sent someone running out his office crying.

8. When he quickly raises his hand to scratch his temple, everyone in the office ducks and covers.

7. Has a slasher movie loosely based on his office conduct.

6. Chooses his office chair based on how easy it is to throw.

5. A disgruntled employee with an AK-47 was scared away when he saw your U.N. nominee berating a subordinate for improper stapling.

4. Has been known on bad days to walk around with a live grenade missing a pin in one hand.

3. Every time there is a paper jam, he smashes the laser printer against the copier.

2. Has never fired anyone, but has numerous former employees the police are still searching for.

And the number one sign your nominee for the U.N. ambassador may have an anger problem...

Read More...


Rating: 2.4/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (7)
No Comment
Posted by Frank J. at 09:31 AM | Email This

Comments seem to have broke. Considering that I didn't touch the website over the weekend, I'm not sure how it happened. Maybe it will be like when trackbacks were down and just magically fix itself one day. Until then, if you have a comment on any post, just use this feedback form.

Rating: 2.9/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (4)
Celeb-blogs: Prepare for the Worst
Posted by Scott McCollum at 01:32 AM | Email This

Hey kids! What do Walter Cronkite, Nora Ephron, Warren Beatty, Gary Hart, Vernon Jordan, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Diane Keaton, and Norman Mailer all have in common?

No, I mean other than the fact that they are mostly has-beens with a couple of...

No, I mean other than...

Forget it; I'll just tell you:

What the aforementioned lefty pseudo-celebs all have in common is that they (along with 250 other suckers) have been conned into working for free on a group blog to be launched in May by has-been lefty pundit Arianna Huffington.

Huffington was also able to con Ken Lerer, a has-been former exec at AOL-Time Warner and ten other rich people into funding Manhattan offices for the administration of her blog "The Huffington Post." Arianna has also conned Tribune Media Serivces into paying for syndication rights for all those insightful and nuanced musings on why America should be destroyed and rebuilt from the ground up from wealthy D-list actors.

Arianna's blog will "generate revenue through advertising" and will "provide a megaphone" for the celebs of politics and pop culture who feel that the leftist ideology of communist murderers from the last century just aren't getting enough exposure.

The super-rich leisure class in L.A. and N.Y. have just discovered blogs, kids. Prepare for the worst...

Rating: 3.0/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (9)
I Am One Super-Tolerant Mofo!
Posted by Harvey at 01:00 AM | Email This

For various non-interesting reasons, I stumbled across Tolerance.org. These folks are cutting-edge PC thought police. Here's a selected quote that makes me giggle (especially the phrase I underlined):

As this guide shows, American English frequently both reflects and reinforces systems of oppression in U.S. society.

For example, a newspaper report describes a local event: "Over a thousand people attended with their wives and children." How does the statement relate to sexism and ageism? What does the statement communicate about who is a person and who is not?

"Bark, Bark" said the moonbat (I'm sorry, that's probably specieist).

Anyway, clicking around I found out that I'm actually a tolerant and diverse kinda guy. They have this list under the 101 Tools for Tolerance section - 20 Ideas for Yourself, and it looks like I'm way ahead of the game. In the extended entry, I've rated my performance in therse areas:

Read More...


Rating: 2.8/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (10)
April 24, 2005
Link of the Weekend
Posted by sarahk at 10:27 PM | Email This

Carnival of the Recipes is up and tasty over at bebere.com.

Rating: 2.1/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (1)
April 23, 2005
Too Blond
Posted by sarahk at 11:13 AM | Email This

I went to get my Florida drivers license this week. The evil fake sarahk has a snapshot of my new license.

For the record, i will not be thirty this year. She's evil and cruel.

Rating: 2.9/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (9)
April 22, 2005
That's COMMISSIONER Reynolds to YOU!
Posted by Harvey at 10:25 PM | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

After the "there's no steroids in baseball" hearings on Capitol Hill, rumor has it that Bud Selig will be getting sacked as baseball commissioner. Further rumor has it that he will be replaced by someone who has no history of messing with performance enhancers - Glenn Reynolds. If the rumors are true you can probably expect to see the following changes to Major League Baseball (listed in the extended entry):

Read More...


Rating: 2.2/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (4) | Filthy Lies
Carnival of Comedy Submissions
Posted by spacemonkey at 04:27 PM | Email This

!!!! WARNING! CARNIVAL OF COMEDY UPDATE AHEAD !!!!

!!!! WRITTEN BY SOMEONE OTHER THAN FRANK J !!!!

!!!! DO NOT READ IF THIS WILL MAKE YOU CRY !!!!

!!!! OR SOIL YOURSELF !!!!

Read More...


Rating: 2.9/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (11)
No Time to DeLay
Posted by Aquaman at 02:04 PM | Email This

The evil of Representative Tom DeLay had been reaching my ears through my fish friends (I can talk to fish). Apparently he's been involved in perhaps more than the regular amount of malfeasance you'd expect from a politician. But who could stop him?

This sounds like a job for...

Read More...


Rating: 2.9/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (8) | Aqua-Adventures
Transcript Excerpt from the John Bolton Hearings
Posted by Frank J. at 11:02 AM | Email This

SENATOR BIDEN: We'll now bring in the next witness to testify about John Bolton's behavior. Will you please identify yourself.

AGENT JACK BAUER: My name is Jack Bauer, and I work for CTU in Los Angeles.

BIDEN: And you have met with John Bolton before?

BAUER: I have encountered him on numerous occasions. Most were not noteworthy, but one sticks in my mind. I’ll try to describe the events to you as they occurred in real time. I had detained a suspect and was in the middle of breaking his fingers to get information out of him...

SENATORETTE BARBARA BOXER: This was allowed under the Patriot Act?

BAUER: The what?

Read More...


Rating: 2.6/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (20) | IMAO Exclusives
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 09:31 AM | Email This

What is the spelling of "humor" in the U.K.?

Read More...


Rating: 3.1/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (9) | Fun Trivia
Remember the Advertisers
Posted by Frank J. at 08:53 AM | Email This

Haven't plugged my advertisers in a while, so I thought I'd start the morning off with it. I like to give them good click-thrus for the money, and hope you'll check out everyone in my blogads (that's all I ask for free funny).

In my patron spot is a documentary about Saddam Hussein's actual use of WMD's against his own people and includes evidence that will be used in the trial against him. The documentary also has an ambush interview with Michael Moore and commentary from Victor David Hanson.

That reminds me: I still have my copy of Michael Moore Hates America to watch and review.

Other than checking on my blogads, remember to buy my t-shirts. Preorders of the new U.N. one have been brisk, but I checked the sales numbers against everyone, and everyone has yet to preorder it. Do you all think the U.N. is extremely proficient and shouldn't change a thing?

BTW, is there anything you're looking for in a future t-shirt, like a certain topic to touch on or anything else? Usually your ideas suck when I ask this (no periwinkle t-shirts!), but I thought I'd try anyway.

Rating: 1.8/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (20)
April 21, 2005
sic semper tyranus
Posted by Cadet Happy at 09:54 PM | Email This

Guest Blogger Kelly here. I had some ideas to improve on previous posts, so the egalitarian imao.us crew gave me the chance to do so. We the people have spoken! Now, eat of the fruits of my labors . . .

Read More...


Rating: 1.6/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (16) | I Hate Frank
The Announcement!
Posted by Frank J. at 04:38 PM | Email This

Spacemonkey has placed it on me to announce, so announce I will!

IMAO, in its super genius, has decided to host links from various blogs and other sites - something we are calling a "carnival". We will focus on humor, so we are calling this the "Carnival of Comedy".

You can submit entries through this site by selecting "Carnival of Comedy". Just make sure they are funny. They can be from your own blog or other things out there on the net that are laugh-out-loud fun.

If the links you send us are not funny, we will be angry - except for Ducky who will cry. So make good humor links.

Do so now!

UPDATE: Carnival of Comedy FAQ is here. All praise the flying monkey from space!

Rating: 1.6/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (16)
RWD's News Round-Up, Thursday
Posted by RightWingDuck at 01:16 PM | Email This

Hello,

Yo Soy RightWingDuck, y vengo a compartir las noticias.

Merry Christmas ... Oops. I meant good afternoon. Curse my horrible English as a Second Language!!

Arnold Schwarzenegger today apologized for a remark he made where he said that California should close the borders to Mexico because it was creating a big mess.

He apologized to an offended state congressman saying that "English is my second language and I meant SECURE not CLOSE the borders, you bitch - I mean -sir."

Arnold is so spineless when it comes to taking a position. How pathetic.


Oh, sorry. My English is not so good. It’s a second language for me, too.

What I meant to say is that the governor is doing a great job and he should just keep it up.

Read More...


Rating: 2.7/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (17) | News Round-Up
Follow the Food Pyramid or Face the Mummy's Curse
Posted by Frank J. at 12:22 PM | Email This

The government has released a new food pyramid to help Americans eat right, but why have a new food pyramid when I, Frank J., have uncovered an ancient one that is greater than all. An illustration of it is here:

Read More...


Rating: 2.2/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (28) | Frank the Artist
Announcement Coming Up
Posted by spacemonkey at 11:02 AM | Email This

An announcement is coming up.

Is it a big announcement? Well, big enough to merit a pre-announcement announcement. So THAT should tell you something.

We'll be announcing it soon. But untill then...the shroud of darkness will continue to distort your perceptions.

And no, it's not what you're thinking. And it's not the other thing you are thinking either. The thing you started thinking after I told you it wasn't the first OR the second? The third thing.

That's it! You got it! How'd you know? Amazing! ...Nahhh spacemonkey's just kidding. It's not that either.

It's the thing you're NOT thinking. Ok? All clear?

Spacemonkey hates to leave you with nothing to do while you're waiting for the announcement, almost as much as he hates speaking of himself in the third person. Sooooo, you could always click our patron ads, buy some wonderful IMAO t-shirts, leave some witty comments, get a sandwich, get spacemonkey a sandwich, easy on the mayo, heavy on the bacon.

Y'know stuff you were going to do anyway. The announcement is coming up soon though!

/pre-announcement announcement

Rating: 3.4/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (25)
Does the Pope @#$% in the Woods?
Posted by Frank J. at 09:16 AM | Email This

A little commentary, if I may.

You know the phrase: "Is the pope Catholic?" It's supposed to be a rhetorical question, but, apparently if you asked that to some people a few days ago, they would have just stared at you with this dumb expression on their faces, not sure what the answer is.

All the (generated) controversy over Pope Benedict XVI is that he's a hardliner against abortion, against euthanasia, against ordaining women, against homosexual activity, and against priests marrying. In other words, THE POPE IS CATHOLIC!!!

Yes, a Catholic was actually elected as pope; who knew?

Well, I say, if you forgot to vote in the papal conclave, you don't have a right to complain.

Rating: 2.9/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (16)
let your voice be heard . . .
Posted by Cadet Happy at 12:00 AM | Email This

Those of you who read sarahk's website (all fifteen of you :D ) know that FrankJ recently purchased a decked out karaoke machine that has recording capabilities. He's already cut half a dozen gems, including a kick ass cover of Free Bird that has to be heard to be believed. He's asked that I design an album cover so that he can sell a CD in the imao.us store. I'm having trouble narrowing the field down--which one do you like best? . . .

Read More...


Rating: 2.2/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (22) | I Hate Frank
April 20, 2005
ignis fatuous
Posted by Cadet Happy at 09:07 PM | Email This

popenorm.jpg

:via scott:

Rating: 2.7/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (14) | ignis fatuous
Rummy in the 'Stan
Posted by Harvey at 08:47 PM | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Last week Donald Rumsfeld visited Afghanistan.

This week, Donald Rumsfeld met with reporters to discuss his activities there. A transcript of the press conferece follows in the extended entry.

Read More...


Rating: 2.9/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (15) | Precision Guided Humor Assignments
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 02:52 PM | Email This

Who would win in a fight between a cowboy, a pirate, a ninja, a viking, and a samurai?

Read More...


Rating: 1.7/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (35) | Fun Trivia
WWTLC?
Posted by RightWingDuck at 12:37 PM | Email This

Catholics are happy with the new Pope, Benedict the XVI, and liberals are hopping mad. They say things like, “Why him?”, and “Nazi” and “Why did they have to choose somebody so religious?”

Now Pope John Paul II kicked butt. The people loved him.

**

Central Message: Do not be afraid. Life is precious.

Celebrated Mass by: Celebrating Mass

Pro :Delivered the Gospel to the four corners of the earth.

Con: Should have spoken more English

Verdict: A good and faithful servant.

**

This got me to thinking – WHO WOULD THE LEFT CHOOSE?

Let’s run through the list of candidates.

Read More...


Rating: 3.6/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (21)
In My World: Walking on the Sun
Posted by Frank J. at 11:02 AM | Email This

"We announce the new pope, Pope Benedict XVI," said a cardinal.

The pope stepped forward, wearing his pope hat and holding his pope staff.

"How do you react to charges that you are a hardliner?" asked a reporter.

"Pope Power!" the pope shouted as he raised his staff. Light shot up from the beam into the sky. All was silent for a few moments, and then a giant beam shout down from the heavens blowing up the press corp.

"I like this new pope," Bush said as he watched the T.V., "Hopefully we can work with him."

"What do I care?" Rumsfeld growled, "I'm not Catholic! I never liked Christians with all their 'love' and 'peace.' Me, I worship Ares, god of war. Oh, great Ares, what do you command of me?"

Chomps barked in response.

"It shall be done!" Rumsfeld swore.

Tom DeLay ran into the room. "The Democrats and the press are out to get me!" he cried.

"What are they doing?" Bush asked.

"They keep talking about how I hire all my relatives, how I take gifts and bribes from lobbyists, how I do favors for the mafia, and how I make my interns rob liquor stores."

"But every politician does that!" Bush yelled angrily.

"Just bash the Democrats heads in with rocks," Rumsfeld suggested.

"Last time I did that, the press was extra mean to me," DeLay whined.

"We need a more thought out, diplomatic solution," Bush said, "Let's trick the Democrat leadership into a rocket and fire it into the sun. To NASA!"

* * * *

"It was very expensive to make a rocket with enough fuel capacity to launch that many people into space on a course to the sun," the NASA director complained, "Plus, getting a big sign that said, 'Welcome Democrats to Meeting About How to Use Represenative Tom DeLay as a Wedge Issue' from Kinkos wasn't cheap. If you could have come up with a sign with fewer words in it, you could have saved NASA some money."

Bush slapped the director. "I control the money; I do what I wan'!"

"Quiet; the Democrats are coming!" DeLay called out, and everyone hid behind some shrubbery.

"Well, here we are at the meeting!" said one Democrat, "I'm sure by constantly attacking Tom DeLay we can get back into power!"

"Let's continue this discussion in the meeting room that strangely looks like a rocket," stated another Democrat.

Once they all entered the rocket, Bush gave the signal. The hatch to the rocket then closed and it launched up into the air. "Have fun in the sun, ya bastards!" DeLay yelled at it.

"That's tell'n 'em!" Bush laughed. He then noticed he was surrounded by the press.

"Did you just launch the Democratic leadership into the sun?" one reporter asked.

"No, that's crazy," Bush answered, "but, if you head into the press room, I'll answer all your questions and more. Just head along, and I'll be in soon after."

"Fine," the press said grudgingly as they headed for the press room, though one remarked, "Doesn't this sorta look like a rocket?"

Rating: 1.9/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (14) | In My World
Creatolution
Posted by Frank J. at 09:25 AM | Email This

I noticed a debate in the comments of the post I did of a Ratzinger quote (it's from before he became pope). I thought I'd throw this in the mix. It's a trace of the human genome starting in Africa until it reaches all continents (except Antarctica) around 10,000 or so years before present day (the day we all get presents!).

Anyhoo, in the 60,000-55,000 B.C. section under "Era Overview" it says:

The tree of human genetic diversity has, at its root, "Adam" - the common male ancestor of every living man. Because he lived in Africa some 60,000 years ago, all humans must have lived there until at least that time.

Unlike his Biblical namesake, this Adam was not the only man alive in his era. Rather, he is unique because his descendants are the only ones to survive to the present day.

Now, if you're going to use Biblical terms, isn't that actually Noah going by that description?

Also, question for those who know: Isn't the Y chromosome passed unchanged from father to son, and the only reason it would ever be different is from random mutation?

UPDATE: Nevermind. Found I was right here. Mitochondrial DNA is also passed unchanged (except by mutation) from the mother to her children.

Rating: 3.4/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (19)
April 19, 2005
American Idol top 7
Posted by sarahk at 08:43 PM | Email This

What a beating. Seacrest says '70s dance music, and I say where's the barf bag? Now, I'm not a '70s dance music hata, but that means yet another week of Scott boring me with a nondescript song and Anthony doing a bad dance in too-tight pants.

Read More...


Rating: 2.5/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (24)
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 03:30 PM | Email This

Who was the previous pope to be named Benedict?

Read More...


Rating: 1.0/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (14) | Fun Trivia
Ronin Thought of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 01:06 PM | Email This

So said The New Pope:

Christianity is not "our" work; it is a Revelation; it is a message that has been consigned to us, and we have no right to reconstruct it as we like or choose.

Rating: 3.0/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (69) | Ronin Thought of the Day
Did You Know...
Posted by Frank J. at 12:42 PM | Email This

...black is the absence of light.

...cold is the absence of heat.

...progressivism is the absence of reason.

...neglecting the curve of the earth, if you drop a bullet at the same time you fire a bullet straight forward, both will hit the ground at the same time.

...neglecting the curve of the earth, the flat-earthers are right.

Read More...


Rating: 0.6/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (18)
Monkey Joins AZ SWAT Team, FrankJ Outraged
Posted by Scott McCollum at 11:27 AM | Email This

DATELINE MESA, ARIZONA (9:25 A.M. MOUNTAIN TIME)
The Mesa, AZ Police Department has a lot of explaining to do to Blogger Overlord FrankJ because the Mesa PD has hired a capuchin monkey as the newest member of their elite SWAT team.

The Associated Press heaped praise on the varmint, noting that "dressed in a Kevlar vest, video camera, and two-way radio, the small monkey would be able to get into places no officer or robot could go."

FrankJ immediately responded to the story with: "Notice that they didn't give it a gun? The dumbest thing anyone could do is give a monkey a gun. Give a monkey a gun and who's gonna stop Earth from turning into Planet of the Apes? I mean, Chuck Heston just isn't at 100% anymore..."

Most leftist news services around the world have been largely supportive of the SWAT team monkey, but in a surprising break from the pack, the Hollywood trade mag Variety slammed the Mesa, AZ PD's choice in monkeys noting that the capuchin "got Marion Ravenwood captured by the Nazis, almost got Indiana Jones killed, and was a real pain in the neck for the entire overpaid and overrated cast of Friends."

Rating: 2.2/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (22)
Save Mars NOW!
Posted by spacemonkey at 11:25 AM | Email This

It has been known for years that Mars, the planet not the candy bar, has carbon dioxide in its atmosphere.

Now there is evidence that methane also exists in the martian atmosphere.

As any good little tree hugger will tell you about carbon dioxide and methane,'THOSE ARE GREEN HOUSE GASES!' The all caps simulate the pain caused by being crushed by a bulldozer or logging machine.

I want to be the first to say we must act to order to SAVE MARS NOW. Those green house gases must be reduced. Else all the coastal cities on Mars could be flooded with frozen seawater caused by colliding meltingglaciertsunamicaines.

SAVE MARS NOW! The danger is real. All liberals, heed the call and tie yourselves to a rocket today so we can SAVE MARS NOW!

It doesn't have to be a rocket on the way to Mars either. Because we can meet up in orbit at the International House of Planetsavers and all carpool aboard a Mars-bound rocket, so we can all SAVE MARS NOW!

SAVE MARS NOW, because if we wait till the day after tomorrow IT MAY BE TOO LATE!

SAVE MARS NOW!

Rating: 2.9/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (11)
RWD's News Round-Up, Tuesday
Posted by RightWingDuck at 09:31 AM | Email This

Woohoo! I’m back.

I’m done with doing taxes. Things got a little “iffy” there at the end. I’m not saying I was desperate for deductions, but if anyone asks, Harvey and Spacemonkey are my dependants.

Okay. So let’s see what’s been happening.

Personally, I was shocked at the latest developments in the Michael Jackson trial. The accuser’s mother took the stand and yelled, 'Michael Jackson has fooled the world."

Then I thought about it long and hard. She might be right. I’ve never really notice it, but now that I stop to think about it – it’s all very clear.

I think Michael Jackson has had some sort of plastic surgery.

Man, he had me fooled. It just looked so natural. I always assumed that as you got older – your face melted.

You know what I thought about the other day? I was watching MJ walk into court. He's got a melted face – he dresses flamboyantly, and he talks funny. I don’t think he’s a child molester. He's a super villain looking for a midget sidekick!!!

MJ: To the laboratory, McCauley! Our plan is almost ready!

McCauley : (Playing video game) Huh?

MJ: I said, my plan is almost ready. Soon, the whole world will think I had to sell my Beetles catalogue.

McCauley: (Playing video game) Huh?

MJ: But now, when they hear it, my subliminal suggestions will guide them to buy even more Michael Jackson records!! Bwu hahahahah.

McCauley: (Playing video game) Huh?

MJ: Screw this! Do you have a brother?


Read More...


Rating: 2.4/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (12) | News Round-Up
The Symbolism of Group Blogging
Posted by Harvey at 07:58 AM | Email This

Once upon a time, Frank J. had the funniest blog in the blogobuckyball.

Then he invited some other people to join him.

Harvey
RightWingDuck
Cadet Happy
Spacemonkey
Scott
SarahK
Aquaman

Seven people

Is that symbolic of the Seven Deadly Sins?

The Seven Dwarves?

The castaways on Gilligan's Island?

Something else?

And what does that make Frank J?

Discuss.

Rating: 1.9/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (21)
I got your conciliatory overtures right here . . .
Posted by Cadet Happy at 12:48 AM | Email This

kissthis.jpg

Read More...


Rating: 2.3/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (9) | ignis fatuous
April 18, 2005
Links of the Day
Posted by sarahk at 09:15 PM | Email This

The Countertop Chronicles has the latest Carnival of the Recipes. Yummm...

Carnival of Cordite is up at Resistance is Futile!

John Hawkins has lists of blogs that the big bloggers read. Hmm, he didn't ask me for my picks, so I'm not sure this is a good list. ;-)

Here's an analysis of the papal vote by a computer security guru. Conclusion: extremely hard to hack.

Speaking of hacking, some pranksters got admitted to an MIT scientific conference by sending in gibberish; they tricked their way in because they "were tired of the spam". Go read, it's funny. (Thanks to Wonky Beca for the tip.)

Rating: 1.2/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 02:06 PM | Email This

What pattern has mathematicians just found in prime numbers?

Read More...


Rating: 1.8/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (18) | Fun Trivia
Frank Advice on Picking the Pope
Posted by Frank J. at 10:59 AM | Email This

Selecting the new pope is an important process, so important I wrote a haiku about it:

Time for a new pope.
Cardinals all together.
I like jelly beans.

Now for precise pope picking, it's best to wait for influence from the Holy Spirit. That may take too long, though, so I bet many cardinals are turning to IMAO for advice, and I won't disappoint.

FRANK TIPS FOR PICKING THE POPE

Read More...


Rating: 2.3/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (28)
Still Overlord
Posted by Frank J. at 09:18 AM | Email This

For those wondering, since I am the unquestioned ruler of the blogodocecahedron, it is perfectly permissible that I haven't posted since Thursday. I shall post something soon, and you shall all be grateful for what your overlord has given you.

Rating: 2.8/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (12)
New Pope: The First 100 Days
Posted by Harvey at 08:01 AM | Email This

Since the election of FDR, anyone who assumes a new office is expected to do exciting things during their first 100 days. The newly elected Pope is no exception. In the extended entry, I've placed my guesses on what the new Pope will accomplish in his first 100 days:

Read More...


Rating: 2.6/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (16)
April 16, 2005
Pocket Guide to the Differences Between Frank and Harvey
Posted by Harvey at 09:12 PM | Email This

In the comments to this post, loyal IMAO reader jimmyb got confused while reading one of my posts and mistakenly attributed it to Frank J. Since confused readers are like cockroaches, I have to assume that if I see one, there are thousands more hiding in the walls, just waiting to sneak into my kitchen in the middle of the night to lay their eggs in my Honey Nut Cheerios.

In order to educate these befuddled folks as a delaying tactic while I try to find that can of Raid (or hairspray and a lighter - whichever), I offer (in the extended entry) this:

POCKET GUIDE TO THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN HARVEY & FRANK

Read More...


Rating: 1.3/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (30)
April 15, 2005
Fun at the zoo . . .
Posted by Cadet Happy at 11:44 PM | Email This

RINO.jpg

I was at the zoo this morning and took this picture of my favorite animal--the Arizona RINO (genus:republican species:innamusonly). The RINO is a very accommodating beast--whenever a camera is nearby it is sure to come trotting over. It accommodatingly poses itself in whatever position will bring the most attention to itself, regardless of the jeopardy it places the rest of the herd in. I guess, like humans, some RINOs are just jerks

Rating: 3.6/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (21) | ignis fatuous
Evil Glenn's Reality TV Show
Posted by Harvey at 10:49 PM | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

After ABC's hit reality TV show "Wife Swap" had production halted due to an incident of child abuse, the network searched around desperately for a replacement show to air.

A junior production assistant at ABC theorized that if people would tune in to watch whiny, bossy, overly-opinionated women switch households, maybe it would be just as good to use whiny, bossy, overly-opinionated computer nerds in their place. Thus was born:

BLOG SWAP!

This week: an up-and-coming humor blogger who creates his own masterfully funny stories (sorry, it's NOT Scrappleface) switches places with a stodgy, uncreative, puppy-blending lawyer who hyper-leeches off the creativity of others to maintain his oppressive grip on the throat of the blogosphere. Thinker vs. linker, vamper vs. vampire, who will make the best adjustment to their new pixel-palace? Find out the answer tonight as Frank J. of IMAO and Glenn Reynolds of Instapundit do a

BLOG SWAP!

First up (in the extended entry) - Glenn Reynolds takes the helm at IMAO. Will he be able to keep Frank's readers ROTFL? Or will this be the worst disaster since group blogging?...

Read More...


Rating: 2.4/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (9) | Filthy Lies
Know Thy Friend: Dodecahedrons
Posted by spacemonkey at 05:00 PM | Email This

As you know, unless you are a non-IMAO reading anti-American liberal or are dead, dodecahedrons are the newly mandated shape o fthe blog-ful-ish environment. But what are dodecahedrons?

To shed more light on dodecahedrons, here are some interesting insightful info-blips about dodecahedrons. Because all knowledge is good.

Read More...


Rating: 1.8/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (23)
Bad Rx
Posted by spacemonkey at 11:47 AM | Email This

Have you noticed lately there's been a lot of problems with drugs? Recalls, warnings, handwringing, livers and hearts exploding, etc.

Problems with and/or recalls regarding Vioxx, Celebrex, Bextra, and now Zyprexa have been all over the news. Lawsuits regarding these are popping up all over the Free World, plus France and Canada!

What's going on here? I decided to find out. After about 20 minutes of examination of the issue, followed by a rather unpleasant evening experimenting, I think I've figured out what's going on.

Look at the names, VioXX, CelebreX, BeXtra, ZypreXa. See the pattern?? It's the 'X'!

No, I'm not saying they are putting ecstasy in these medications but that would be bad, also. But neither am I saying they aren't putting ecstasy in them either. I'm no biopharmachemologist or whatever the the term is for the egghead that would know things like that. But you can't help but notice the drugs that are turning up bad have turned out to all have 'X' in the name.

It's just a fact. To test my theory, I decided it would be a good idea to experiment with something called "Ex-Lax". A medication which has two, count them, two 'X's in the name. The product labelling said it was for 'relief of occasional irregularity'. Since I've been told occassionaly by friends, family and the frequent total stranger that I am irregular, it seemed like the perfect product to try.

But does it relieve irregularity? Does it? Does it? NOOOOO. I'll tell you what it does, it gives you a bad case of the freakin' RUNS! That what it does. RUNS! And relief? Brother, you won't be, NOT relieved by ANY stretch of the imagination. It is the exact and total 180 degree opposite of any sort of relief. For your information.

Well, to spare you any more disgusting details and to make a long story short, let me give my recommendation. Which is as follows.

Every prescription, over the counter, or under the counter medication with an 'X' in the name needs to be banned, now and forever. Furthermore any supplies of those drugs that exist need to be gathered up and burned before the sun goes down tonight. Even furthermore any new drug with X-names needs to be cancelled or, in the very least, renamed.

Also packaging with a more literal definition of irregularity would be appreciated.

This has been a PSA by spacemonkey.

Rating: 3.1/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (19)
The Bolton of Terror
Posted by Aquaman at 10:03 AM | Email This

The U.N. likes me.Hello, Aquafans!

Guess who called upon me for my help?

That's right, Kofi Anan, the whatchamacallit of the U.N. and man of unimpeachable integrity. Apparently the Bush regime, under the tutelage of the fiend Karl Rove, wants to place the dangerous, psychotic John Bolton in the U.N. to destroy it from the inside. Any superhero is familiar with that man who has terrorized countless cities. What Kofi knew, though, is that I had taken him down before.

What he didn't know is that I had significant help from Batman and Superman, but I think I learned enough to face The Bolton myself. After being questioned by the Senate, The Bolton had gone into hiding - most likely to plot more evil. Only I could find him!

So I jumped in the ocean (always seems a good way to start) and talked to a marlin (I can talk to fish) that thought he had seen some Republicanism happening somewhere in the Atlantic. I followed him only to find a SECRET UNDERWATER BASE!!!

Yes! Finally! Why can't more villains have secret underwater bases?

So, I snuck up to the bases and found an entrance for submarines. Once inside, I saw none other than...

Read More...


Rating: 3.2/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (11) | Aqua-Adventures
Trust Me, You DON'T Want Frank J. as the Overlord of the Blogododecahedron
Posted by Harvey at 12:13 AM | Email This

I hate to seem unsupportive and/or not a team player, but I noticed a lot of people chiming in enthusiastically in favor of Frank J.'s quest to become Overlord.

The thing is, I know something you don't.

Last year, as part of a mission for the Alliance of Free Blogs to rid the world of the Evil Glenn Reynolds, I borrowed a time machine from my friend Physics Geek, and went back in time to make Glenn not evil.

That part of the mission succeeded.

However, there were... consequences.

In the end (and you can read the whole story here), I managed to undo the damage, but not before I'd glimpsed a horrifying future where Frank J. had become the blogospheric overlord. If you've got the nerve, you can face the darkness in the extended entry:

Read More...


Rating: 1.0/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (16)
April 14, 2005
R&W Block, Part II
Posted by RightWingDuck at 05:20 PM | Email This

Hello Readers,

RightWingDuck of R&W Block here, and if you're stressing out over the end of tax season, please know that we here at IMAO are here to help you!!

I recently asked you for your tough tax questions. Here are the
answers as I deem fit.

Tax Question:

Dude, I was totally going to get a sweet refund, but now I owe taxes
because extra big taxes on my blogging income for it being my own
business. How do I write "@#$% you!" on an e-check?

Posted by Frank J. at April 14, 2005 08:59 AM

Frank:

This is a common question. Despite my inability to spell very basic
words, I am well versed in the basics of written communication.

Every E-check has a portion available for comments. Now, profanity is
not allowed and is filtered, however, it is allowed to spell out the
profanity.

Try this: AtPoundsignDollarsPercentages You!!

Grammatically speaking, you want to avoid putting the @ at the end of
the sentence.

But don't be angry about paying taxes, instead, be aware of the fact
that as supreme overlord you can claim thousands of visitors as
dependants. Make sure you get their social security numbers.

Sincerely comma
RWD


Read More...


Rating: 4.5/5 (1 vote cast)

Comments (17)
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 12:53 PM | Email This

What is hidden in John Bolton's mustache?

Read More...


Rating: 1.7/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (13) | Fun Trivia
The Time of Order Is at Hand
Posted by Frank J. at 11:16 AM | Email This

Few people disagree that the blogosphere is a very big thing - at least of those who heard of it. While liberal blogs suck and no one cares about them, right wing blogs are very important and influence the news and are read by big important people. Why, President Bush is probably reading this right now (Hey, Dubya!). Since the blogosphere is so important and so influential, a leader must emerge.

That leader should be me.

I got a 1570 on my SATs - that's like a perfect score. Only Jesus ever scored higher. Also, I have like a huge IQ. If I were just a little smarter, I could set people on fire just by staring at them. Yeah, that's how powerful my mind is: Just barely not powerful enough to set someone on fire. That means I'm smarter than everyone and should be listened to and obeyed. Plus, I know what's important for the blogosphere.

* BULLET POINTS: Bullet points are important because the new generation have the attention spans of monkeys on crack. Bullet points mean things are put into nice little bite-sized chunks that won't scare people away.

* STUPID MEDIA: Some people think that the blogosphere should help reform the media; those people are dumb and don't know what the hell they are talking about. If the media was reformed, then what would we blog about? Cats? That would suck. We need more fake memos, and we need them reported on now!

* STRUCTURE: The blogosphere is too scattered; there are like opinions from everybody and I don't care about most of them. The blogosphere needs to be cut down to size where only important people like me get heard. Instead of a blogosphere, we should make a blogododecahedron because that would have a finite number of sides. If you don't know why that's important, then you are dumb and should stop reading this now and pick up a copy of Highlights.

Okay, that's all the bullet points I can think of right now. Three is plenty, though; if I only had two things, then bullet points would have been excessive. I'm smart; I know things like that.

This gets me to my main point: The blogododecahedron needs a leader. Not like a president, though; that's so last century. It needs an overlord who will reward what is good and crush what is bad, bringing order to the blogododecahedron. He will wear a cape and a helmet with spikes and all will fear him. Also, he should have blog thugs - or "blugs" - at his disposal to beat up any who fall out of the order.

I should be this overlord.

We should have an election. My campaign slogan will be: "Frank J. for blog overlord - because he told you so!" And that's what an overlord should be like - he should just command things to be done.

On second thought, no election; I declare myself overlord now. I know ninjitsu and will fight to the death anyone who dares say I am not overlord.

Now that I rule the blogododecahedron, no blogs shall be recognized unless I recognize them. But I am also too busy to read other blogs or be bothered by them, so I'll need people under me to approve blogs and report back to me. Each shall be fierce himself and secretly plot to overthrow me and become overlord - though I am too smart for that. These people will be known as the blog... uh... well, I'll come up with a cool name for them later. Everyone else will be known as my minions.

Excellent! Things have started now. Soon the blogosphere will be crushed into the order of the new blogododecahedron and all shall bow to my power. Tidings shall be sent monthly to my PayPal account, and I shall grow rich and lazy.

Such is the order of things.

All hail Blog Overlord Frank J. and spread the word of my coming!

Rating: 1.4/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (61)
Tax Questions: Ask R&W Block
Posted by RightWingDuck at 08:56 AM | Email This

Hello Readers,

I took a break from the Round-Up today, (okay, I'll post it later)

Why?

Because if you're like most Americans on April 14th, you are getting ready for a very important day tomorrow.

That's right - the Britney Spears Press Conference - and tax seminar.

People are unclear on many tax issues. I mean, as far as the IRS is concerned, it's okay to sell your daughter for a car - as long as you claim in the income - and don't claim her as a dependent.

See? It makes no sense.


So what is a person to do? Get help.


Now the lovely SarahK is a CPA which means that in reality - she's too busy to help you guys right now.

But the Duck is in.

So go ahead and ask me about any tax questions you might have..

1041? 1042? Whatever it takes.

Post your questions in comments and I'll answer them in a separate post.

Results Guaranteed*

*DISCLAIMER: Results not guaranteed. Neither RWD nor any of the IMAO crew can vouch for the credibility or authenticity of any answers provided by this site. Taxes are semi-serious business and should be handled by a train professional or the guy next to you in line to get more tax forms. All answers provided are believed to be in compliance with the current tax code system of Burkastan and some other piddly countries. (Authors note: Did you know that Micronesia is really a country? I was shocked too) These questions are also answered in other languages except for West Virginia where the official language is English - much to the surprise of most of their state senators - who probably didn't read the law before signing it - probably because it was in English. This offer void where prohibited, limited quantities available, objects in mirror are closer than they appear. Sorry no rain checks. Should you or any of your IM family (Instant Messaging) be arrested, IMAO will disavow any knowledge of your actions, but will gladly print transcripts of your one phone call allowed by law.

Rating: 2.3/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (23)
April 13, 2005
Al Gore's Cable Network
Posted by Harvey at 08:21 PM | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

On August 1st of this year, former Presidential hopeless Al Gore will be launching his new cable TV network, "Current".

I read the press release to try to find out what sort of programming will be shown, but aside from a few disclaimers about being non-partisan, the actual content was only described in the vaguest of terms.

Soooooo... I did a little research and found the original video of the Al Gore news conference that Reuters quoted from. In the extended entry, I've padded out the press release with some of the omitted information:

Read More...


Rating: 3.4/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (13) | Precision Guided Humor Assignments
A Balanced Look At... Taxes
Posted by spacemonkey at 05:33 PM | Email This

Tax time is approaching us again and that means its time to see what the different sides have to say about the popular topic of taxes. Not that taxes are all that popular with everyone. Here they are, Left, Right and Off.

Q&A Session About Taxes
Why is the federal income tax system necessary?
Left Side - Did you not see 'the Day After Tomorrow?' Income taxes keep the world from simultaneously freezing solid, flooding and burning to a crisp. Also they keep the poor fed and keep the rich from getting too rich. Think of them as Robin Hood, without any religious undertones or projectile weapons.

Right Side - While revenue raising is necessary, the Internal Revenue Service is not.

Off Side (me)- The federal government made do without an Income Tax for well over a hundred years, why not again?

Read More...


Rating: 3.5/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (9)
RWD's News Round-Up, Wednesday
Posted by RightWingDuck at 12:40 PM | Email This

Hello,

I'm RightWingDuck and I'm here to share the news.

Sorry for the late posting today. I got home late last night and never had the chance to catch up. You know, it's tough juggling all these responsibilities. I struggle to be a good dad, a loving husband, and a hard working “little Eichmann.”

I’m working later hours just so I can afford the essentials of life- gasoline!!

Gas is getting expensive and it's starting to hurt an already aching airline industry. I'm lucky. I recently bagged a bargain airfare.

Of course, there was a catch. Half of us had to distract the neighboring American Airlines plane by doing the "chicken dance" on the tarmac, while the other half siphoned out its jet fuel.

In all fairness, we were given extra mints. Distracting is hard work.

Some students from Purdue have scored a major prize for the third year in a row. The Rube Goldberg contest this year had a goal: to create a device that changes the batteries in a flashlight and do it in as many steps as possible. Their winning project had 125 steps to it!!

It was touch and go at the beginning; when they realized their kit didn't include the batteries.

So they went to neighboring MIT team and started doing the "chicken dance"....

Amazing. 125 steps to complete a single task, or as the IRS would call it – the Short Form.

Interestingly enough, that is not the world record. The all time record is held by John Kerry who took 759 steps to explain if he supported the Iraq War.

Well, 760 if you count yesterday, but he’s on crutches – so that might call for an asterisk or something.


Read More...


Rating: 3.6/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (8) | News Round-Up
Know Thy Enemy: Taxes
Posted by Frank J. at 10:56 AM | Email This

Taxes are due Friday. I still haven't done mine, but I have my CPA fiancée to help me get it done and submitted online. Others aren't so lucky, and thus I sent my crack research team to find out as much as they can about taxes.

FUN FACTS ABOUT TAXES

Read More...


Rating: 2.8/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (19) | Know Thy Enemy
Where Are the Bloggers?
Posted by Frank J. at 09:12 AM | Email This

Aww, man, Ducky doesn't have a news round up today. Where did he go? And where's Harvey?

Maybe spacemonkey will post something; he's only half dead.

I guess I could do a news round up...

A bomb was detonated in Iraq today, killing twelve... uh... that's not funny.

Okay, so I don't do news round ups. Well, I'll have a really cool post up later. Keep refreshing.

Rating: 2.5/5 (1 vote cast)

Comments (10)
April 12, 2005
American Idol top 8
Posted by sarahk at 08:55 PM | Email This

Hi, SarahK here, reminding all of you who don't give a rat's pinkytoe what I have to say about American Idol to scan past this post and start a blog called "I Hate SarahK" if you so desire, because I just don't care. Have a nice day!

UPDATE: Frank says I shouldn't blog while angry. But I'm not angry, I'm just sad.

Read More...


Rating: 2.3/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (24)
Fun Trivia
Posted by spacemonkey at 02:29 PM | Email This

What happened to the wonderfully funny spacemonkey that use to post wonderfully funny stuff here?

Read More...


Rating: 2.1/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (10) | Fun Trivia
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 01:19 PM | Email This

What is the best way to identify hippies and Communists?

Read More...


Rating: 2.6/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (14) | Fun Trivia
New IMAO T-Shirt!
Posted by Frank J. at 11:19 AM | Email This

Do you hate the U.N. as much as John Bolton? Then you need buy new t-shirt!

Very funny! You buy now! Comes in navy and black!

No proceeds go to the U.N.

Hooray!

Rating: 2.2/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (29)
In My World: The Ambassador the U.N. Deserves
Posted by Frank J. at 11:14 AM | Email This

Karl Rove emerged from the shadows. "Are the plans in motion?"

"Yeah, everything is good," President Bush answered, "Rummy is right now meeting with the Iraqis in Baghdad."

* * * *

"Rarr!" Rumsfeld shouted as he violently shook an Iraqi, "You get your government together so I can move on to attacking other countries!"

* * * *

John Negroponte came into the Oval Office. "Hey, Negroponte," Bush said to him, "How did the hearings go?"

"Everybody loved me! They even sang me a song!"

"Cool! Hopefully things will go as well for Mr. Mustache."

* * * *

"My first question is why someone who despises the U.N. so much would even want this job?" Senatorette Barbara Boxer said.

"I don't!" John Bolton answered, pounding the table, "Getting this job will make me violent and angry!" He then rubbed his glasses. "Is that a woman asking me questions? They let women be Senators now? No one told me this!"

"See, this is what we need; someone who doesn't even want the job for his own personal ambitions," Senator Richard Lugar remarked.

"Do you think you will be able to work with Kofi Anan?" Senator Joe Biden asked Bolton.

"If I ever see him in person, I'll bash his head in with a rock!" Bolton vowed.

"Those are the words of a reformer," Senator George Allen stated.

"But what will other countries think?" Senatorette Boxed exclaimed.

Bolton pointed to his face. "Does this look like the mustache of a man who cares what other people think?"

"Is it true you have vowed to make all in the U.N. pay for their alleged incompetency with blood?" asked Biden.

"I'll gut them like pigs!" Bolton shouted, wielding a custom made shiv.

"I think it's good we have someone who is not afraid to take on the U.N.'s corruption," Lugar commented.

"I'll strangle them with their own entrails," Bolton yelled, cutting the air with his shiv.

"Do you even know anything about diplomacy?" Senatorette Boxer inquired.

"Does that mean I kills them alphabetically?" Bolton responded, looking confused.

"We have Carl W. Ford Jr. here to testify that Bolton intimidated other officials," Biden announced.

Ford sat down to testify, and Bolton pointed his shiv at him while staring at Ford with crazy eyes. "You have something to say about me intimidating people?" Bolton demanded.

Ford wet his pants and ran off. "No!"

"And we have reports that you've already started things off on the wrong foot," Biden said, "Having hit Kofi Anan's son with your car and shoved him into a duffle bag."

"That's my business, and I'm not answering questions about it!" Bolton shouted.

"Help me!" said the wriggling duffle bag lying next to Bolton, "I'm Kojo!"

Bolton started stomping the bag. "Duffle bags don't talk!" Bolton looked to the Senators. "So when do I start?"

Rating: 2.0/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (14) | In My World
RWD's News Round-Up, Tuesday
Posted by RightWingDuck at 09:22 AM | Email This

Hello,

I'm RightWingDuck, and I'm here to share the news.

I continue to be awed by the power of science.

Scientists have figured out how to control a fly by remote control.
http://asia.news.yahoo.com/050411/ap/d89dbiro2.html

That is so cool. They can use lasers and other stuff to actually control the fly’s brain.

Now. You’re probably wondering what value there could be in being able to do this.

You probably would imagine two researchers controlling a fly around the room.

“Man, this is so cool.”
“Yeah, I know."
"Oooh! Why don’t we make it crash into the garbage cans?”

However, they hope that by studying the brain impulses, they can figure out the brain process of people, in particular those who commit acts of violence and those who overeat.

“Look at that guy over there. That’s his third trip to the buffet.”
“What a pig.”
“Yeah, I know. Why don’t we make him crash into those garbage cans?”

Operating the brain of a fly? Those scientists have an inspirational project.

They got the idea from watching the New York Times guide the Democrats on social issues.

Read More...


Rating: 2.1/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (14) | News Round-Up
Totally True Tidbits About Libraries
Posted by Harvey at 07:45 AM | Email This

April 10-16 is National Library Week, which is being celebrated across America despite the fact that it blatantly discriminates against illiterates & LiveJournal bloggers.

However, I believe that this is an important event, because without it, I wouldn't have an excuse to make up (in the extended entry) these:

TOTALLY TRUE TIDBITS ABOUT LIBRARIES

Read More...


Rating: 2.5/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (9) | Totally True Tidbits
Frank Needs Sensitivity Training
Posted by Harvey at 07:41 AM | Email This

As a Facially-Haired American, I find Frank J's whiskerist commentary offensive.

Rating: 0.5/5 (1 vote cast)

Comments (3)
April 11, 2005
Links of the Day
Posted by sarahk at 09:09 PM | Email This

I didn't blog for 3 whole days! Which means I didn't link for 3 whole days! Here's what we missed...

Carnival of the Recipes is up over at Aussie Wife's place. Beautifully delicious!

Carnival of Cordite is up at Resistance is Futile!

and Right Wing News has a new t-shirt. go buy it! we like John Hawkins, even though he didn't vote for me in the T-Shirt Babe Contest! punk. :-)

Rating: 1.6/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 02:21 PM | Email This

What's the main thing delaying John Bolton from being made the U.S. ambassador to the U.N.?

Read More...


Rating: 3.1/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (14) | Fun Trivia
Frank Advice for Staying the Majority
Posted by Frank J. at 11:22 AM | Email This

I keep hearing all this discussion about what the Democrats have to do to make a come back and I'm like, "Hello! Who cares? They suck!"

The real question is what the Republicans have to do to keep their status as the majority party. They spent most of last century in the minority, and they’re still adjusting to what it’s like to be king of the roost. They need to say to the country, "Hey, we own this place, and that ain't gonna change."

So what to do? Murder, espionage, voter-fraud, appealing to the electorate - these are all old, tired ideas; we need new, 21st century ideas. And guess who has them?

Yeah, that's right - me! And here they are:

Read More...


Rating: 3.3/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (20)
RWD's News Round-Up, Monday
Posted by RightWingDuck at 09:21 AM | Email This

Hello,

I'm RightWingDuck, and I'm here to share the news.

In Virginia, a man was sentenced to 9 years in prison for sending unsolicited Spam.

It was really a very weak case. That’s what he gets for hiring a lawyer from a pop up ad.

So NINE years. The worst part is the guy won’t have any access to a computer. The good news is he’ll still get pop ups. Every day huge men will pop up out of nowhere saying, “Hello, would you like to have hot steamy sex?”


In other news, its being reported that Martha Stewart made $1.2 million dollars in 2004 despite being locked up for part of the year.

Of course, you hav to factor in that a lot of that was paid out in Marlboros.


In other news, Martha has announced her newest book: Cooking With Cigarettes.

So you go to prison and you just make more money? It’s just not fair.

Read More...


Rating: 2.8/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (17) | News Round-Up
Totally True Tidbits About The American Flag
Posted by Harvey at 08:18 AM | Email This

US forces are doing another sweep for stupid terrorists in Baghdad.

I call them "stupid" because you'd think they'd have learned by now that if you're in a place where you can see an American flag surrounded by American soldiers, you shouldn't be a terrorist there because you'll be dead soon.

I mean, isn't that one of the more obvious things represented by the American flag?

In the extended entry, there's some more

TOTALLY TRUE TIDBITS ABOUT THE AMERICAN FLAG


Read More...


Rating: 2.6/5 (25 votes cast)

Comments (25) | Totally True Tidbits
April 10, 2005
Today's Trivia
Posted by RightWingDuck at 02:43 PM | Email This

Why should April 10th be declared an International Holiday?

Read More...


Rating: 3.3/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (35)
April 08, 2005
Evil Glenn - Substitute Teacher
Posted by Harvey at 11:04 PM | Email This

Evil Glenn - Substitute Teacher
(A Filthy Lie)

8am, University of Tennessee: A thoroughly hung-over Glenn Reynolds staggers into a classroom to begin the day...

(see extended entry)

Read More...


Rating: 2.3/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (12) | Filthy Lies
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 01:18 PM | Email This

What is the difference between old world monkeys and new world monkeys?

Read More...


Rating: 2.3/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (15) | Fun Trivia
In My World: Answers of Fury Part III
Posted by Frank J. at 11:00 AM | Email This

Part I
Part II

* * * *

"Hey, honey," President Bush called out to his wife, "They're now playing kung fu movies on C-SPAN."

"That's one of your press conferences, dear," Laura answered.

"Wow! If I knew they were this cool, I would have watched one by now!"

* * * *

White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan crashed through the chairs as the reporters gave way for the fight. Scott was quick to jump back to his feet. "You do not scare me, Shen Po of the New York Times!"

"Ha!" Shen Po laughed, "Then you are a fool, for I fight with the most vicious and deadly kung fu of all... MONKEY STYLE KUNG FU!"

"Noooo!" Scott screamed in fear.

"Baboon Punch!" Shen Po announced as he delivered a punch sending Scott flying across the room. Scott tried to get back up, but Shen Po yelled, "Ring-Tailed Lemur Flip-Kick!" as he delivered another blow to the bruised Press Secretary. Scott made one last attempt to stand.

"Capuchin Chop!" Shen Po struck Scott once more, and the press secretary fell to the ground unmoving. "Your silence in answer to my questions is damning," Shen Po laughed as he stood over Scott, "Muh ha ha ha!"

* * * *

"Why does the New York Times say you had no answer to the question of whether I assassinated the pope on behest of Halliburton?" Bush demanded of Scott.

"Shen Po's questions were to strong for me," Scott answered, "He fights with monkey style kung fu!"

"I'm tired of hearing about the liberal media and their monkey style kung fu!" Bush shouted, "A real press secretary should be able to handle this. I'm sure if I call the pope, he'll know what to do." Bush paused for a moment. "Wait, I had him assassinated on behest of Halliburton." Bush paused. "Grrr! Now I'm all confused." Bush rolled up the New York Times and started hitting Scott with it. "Bad press secretary! Bad!"

After Bush stormed away, Scott ran to the Zatoichi, the blind swordsman. "You have to help me, Ichi!" Scott pleaded, "I don't want to get hit with a newspaper again! I must learn to defeat Shen Po at kung fu!"

"Why do people only come to Ichi if they have a kung fu related problem?" Ichi complained, "Why is it never, 'Ichi, I need help with my car,' or 'Ichi, I have a moral quandary I need your input on.'?"

"I'm sorry."

"I will only help you for three ryo!"

"But you took all my pieces of gold last time we played dice," Scott whined.

"Oh yes," Ichi grinned, "Fine, I will help pathetic, tubby fatman for free. I know of even greater kung fu than monkey style kung fu, but it is extra-hard... for fatman!"

* * * *

Scott walked up to the podium. "I am ready for your questions," he announced, his eyes on the grinning Shen Po.

"Why are Bush's foreign policies a failure and leading to more terror? Is it because he is beholden to the Christian right and corporations?" Shen Po asked.

Scott began to answer, but then Shen Po shouted, "Proboscis Roundhouse Kick!" as he attacked Scott.

The podium was shattered, but Scott was not there. Shen Po looked up to see Scott flying down at him with a kick. "Our foreign policy is spreading democracy in the Middle East," Scott said as his kick sent Shen Po flying backwards, knocking back a number of reporters. Scott then flipped through the air. "The best way to fight terror is elections," Scott stated before landing a flying punch.

Shen Po rolled back to his feet and stared at Scott completely dumbfounded. "Your answers defy logic and gravity!"

"That is because I now use wire-suspended kung fu." Scott spun quickly, finally landing a chop to Shen Po. "Now you will write in the New York Times of Bush's successes or you will perish."

"Lesser-Ape Palm Strike!" Shen Po announced, but Scott flew up twenty feet in the air and came straight down at Shen Po fist first.

"We are making progress at home and abroad," Scott said as he struck Shen Po, "You will all report this or you will die!"

Shen Po was stunned, but then he noticed a nearby closet. He kicked the door open to see a number of men working Scott's wires. "Spinning Buffy-Headed Marmoset Kick!" he yelled as he knocked them all out. He then turned to Scott. "Ha! Now you are grounded!"

"Eep," Scott answered.

"Flying Non-Tarsier Prosimian Kick of Death!" Shen Po screamed as he launched into a powerful flying kick at Scott.

"Cowardly Duck!" Scott squeaked as he ducked and covered his face. Shen Po flew over Scott and through a window, plunging down a cliff that, until now, Scott had never noticed was right outside the press room.

"The Order of the Bronze Mongoose is avenged," Scott announced as he looked out the window. He then turned back to the reporters who were each in martial art poses.

"We have all learned kung fu so we may battle your answers!" said one reporter.

Scott ripped off his shirt. "Then I shall fight you all!"

* * * *

"Scott, did you get in a kung fu battle with the press?" Bush demanded.

"Sorry, sir."

"And did it spill out into the streets causing panic throughout D.C.?"

"Sorry, sir. Didn't mean that to happen."

"And did you destroy a wing of the Smithsonian Natural History Museum with a chi blast?"

"It was aimed at the CNN White House correspondent… but sorry, sir."

"You know that museum is full of dinosaur bones?"

"I know. Sorry, sir."

"And you know we can't get more because the caveman killed all of the dinosaurs?"

"I know - well, actually that's factually inaccurate - but I'm sorry, sir."

"That's it!" Bush declared, "I'm banning kung fu from press conferences!"

"But kung fu hasn't been banned since the Lyndon Johnson administration!" Scott protested.

"And it's happening again!" Bush said, "Now go do a proper press conference."

Scott looked down at his feet. "Okay."

* * * *

"Well, all the excitement is over," Scott told the press, "Let's go back to some regular questions with regular answers, and hopefully the American people will end up informed in the end. Now who has the first question?"

"Why are you so fat?"

THE END

Rating: 3.4/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (22) | In My World
RWD's News Round-Up, Friday
Posted by RightWingDuck at 09:15 AM | Email This

Hurray! You came back for another day of round-ups!!

I just know we’re going to lose readers once the new Britney/Kevin show gets going.

Are you excited? Britney Spears and her husband, Kevin, have penned a deal to make a reality show based on their daily lives.

Hooray. I was worried about that. We just don’t see enough of this woman.

She’s really excited. If all goes well, she could become the next Jessica Simpson, or Paris Hilton.

He’s excited too. If all goes well, people might stop seeing him as a freeloader.


Personally, I think we have too many celebrity shows. I miss the old celebrity reality videos – Security Cameras.


I’m not sure Britney is too familiar with this type of performing. She’s secretly mentioned to friends that she’s worried about having to coordinate 22 minutes of lip synching.


They’ve signed on for six episodes, or the length of the marriage – whichever comes first.


The United States is looking at requiring passports for Americans traveling back and forth between Mexico – Canada too.

In fact, they say if you go to Mexico and you don’t have your passport, you won’t be able to get back in. You know what this could lead to? That’s right – Illegal AMERICANS.

I say make them run across the border at midnight. This way we find out who REALLY loves this country.

Read More...


Rating: 1.6/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (16) | News Round-Up
Congratulations to Sergeant Joe Foo' the Marine
Posted by Frank J. at 07:16 AM | Email This

As you can see from the comments section here, my brother has been promoted to Sergeant. He told me this was about to happen when I got a phone call from him but also said it was bad luck to mention it before it was official.

Anyway, congratulations and Godspeed, Foo'.

Rating: 3.5/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (16)
April 07, 2005
The Hate-Filled Lefties
Posted by Frank J. at 05:06 PM | Email This

Michelle Malkin had been one putting a lot of pressure to get to the bottom of the Schiavo talking points memo, and, now that it's been shown to have actually been written by a Republican, the liberals are in a feeding frenzy. While everyone who had been on the issue is taking heat, Malkin seems to get the worst barbs because she's not only conservative, but she's also comitted the high crimes of being a minority and a woman (an opinionated one!). For example, she lists some comments from Kevin Drum's blog.

Now, I read Kevin Drum's blog as he sometimes has thoughtful analysis (in contrast to Kos and Atrios who are plain polemics), but he a while ago criticized leading conservative blogs for not having comments. But, what are his comments full of? While there are some people capable of a discussion, the main commenters are DU grade nuts. And, now that they've attacked Michelle Malkin, it's personal.

I call jihad! Spread the word! I say we all go to Political Animal regularly and kick some verbal ass in the comments section. We'll be Drum's moderators since he doesn't seem to mind the idiocy and filth there. It's time to call a spade a spade and a muckadoo a muckadoo.

Who's with me?

UPDATE: Just to clarify, I'm pretty mad about all this and that affects my wit. It's not like I expect more from the monkeys in Drum's comment section (I only comment there out of a Jane Goodall among the chimps sort of curiosity), it's that I expect more out of Kevin Drum. His comments section is a cesspool of human thought, yet he had the gall to tout how his having comments and many right-wing blogs lacking them shows the left's accountablilty and openness.

Openness to calling a kind woman a horrible slur, I guess. Drum better either moderate or admit he's full of it on the blog comment issue.

UPDATE2: Puppy blender to the rescue with making sure more people hear about this.

Rating: 3.4/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (45)
Letter to Joe Foo' the Marine
Posted by Frank J. at 04:14 PM | Email This

I'm thinking I should write another letter to my brother in Iraq, but I can't think of much to say since the last time I wrote him other than that my kitten's new nickname is "lampshade." Should I make something up? If so, how big an incident?

I'm just trying to think what someone in Iraq wants to hear about the homeland. Help is appreciated.

Rating: 2.8/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (30)
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 12:49 PM | Email This

Apparently the Terri Schiavo talking points memo actually came from a Republican (::shakes fist:: Martinez!!!). What other charges against Republicans is also true?

Read More...


Rating: 2.4/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (15) | Fun Trivia
Hopefully the New Bill in Florida Will Finally Turn Us into the Wild West
An Editorial by Frank J.
Posted by Frank J. at 11:18 AM | Email This

 Right now, Florida law says you have to try and flee before you are able to use force in any situation where you are attacked. A new bill which just passed the Florida legislature and is just waiting for Jeb to sign will change that. Now, if you're walking around and you feel threatened by someone - you know, if he like looks at you funny - you can shoot him in both kneecaps and then step on his neck and it's all perfectly legal.

That would be so sweet!

 Now, some people are saying this is going to change Florida into the Wild West... but they've said that about every gun bill. If people are allowed to own handguns, it will be just like the Wild West. If people are allowed to carry concealed, it will be just like the Wild West. If the assault weapons ban expires, it will be just like the Wild West ('cept with assault rifles). And I've always been like, "Yay! The Wild West!" and I imagine myself strolling through town in a poncho, and, as soon as someone looks at me funny, I take a puff of my cigar and then sweep the poncho over my shoulder to reveal the six-shooter at my hip. But, so far every time I've done that, people laugh at my poncho, and, when I reveal my gun, the police get called. I tell them, "But I was told it was like the Wild West now!" but they just beat me with nightsticks and handcuff me. Anyway, if you want more details, talk to my lawyer.

 This time I'm assured, though, that things will be just like the Wild West because this new bill gives a gun owner more right to use force and just shoot people willy-nilly because he didn't like the looks of them. That's cool because I have the hat and the gun but I need a new poncho because I got spaghetti sauce on my last one. Soon as Jeb signs that bill and I get a new poncho, it's going to be so cool, though.

 And does anyone think that this bill will cause ninjas to roam freely throughout Florida? I'm not sure how that would happen, but it would be the ultimate in super-awesomeness. My dream is to be driving to work and have my tire suddenly blow out. I come out of the car to inspect it, and find a ninja star. Next thing I know, I'm in a full-out kung fu fight with ninjas jumping down from the trees.

 "Ha! Your kung fu is weak!" I will tell them after defeating them.

 "That was some fancy fighting moves, pardner" someone will say mockingly. I'll turn to see three shady looking cowboys, their hands perched over their guns.

 "You should see my shooting," I'll say, take a puff of my cigar, and then sweep my poncho over my shoulder revealing my peacemaker.

 One cowboy will move to draw, but I'll be quicker, shooting all three of them before any gets a shot off. Then I'll get the manual out of my Hyundai Santa Fe and try and figure out where all the stuff is for changing the tire. And when I get to work and my boss is like, "You're late!" I'll answer, "Had to take out the trash." And then I'll get some coffee and check the DrudgeReport on my office computer.

 That would be so sweet!

 So it better be true this time about everything turning into the Wild West. The anti-gun folks have cried wolf so many times and gotten my hopes up, so they better be right this time. Otherwise, I'm coming after those fools, because, to me, they look a little threatening.

Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as "Proper Poncho Care" and "Everything I Needed to Know I Learned from 'The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly'".

Rating: 2.3/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (44) | Editorials
RWD's News Round-Up, Thursday
Posted by RightWingDuck at 09:17 AM | Email This

Hello,

I’m RightWingDuck and I’m here to share the news.

I’d like to start today by doing a rewrite of a joke and offering an apology to anyone who was offended. Typically, I don’t care about offending people, especially if they’re liberal- but when it’s another Army dude, and a faithful reader – then a correction is in order. (Full Disclosure, Duck is a veteran of the US Army)

Old Joke: Army Sgt. First Class Paul Ray Smith died defending his men and saved many lives. His 11 year old son was honored to accept the award on his dad’s behalf.

And following the long standing Army tradition, the young boy then stepped out to celebrate by getting stewed, screwed, and tattooed [The intended humor was in the age. I like the idea of the young boy stepping in to do his dad’s celebrating]

New Joke: President Bush today awarded the first Congressional Medal of Honor of the Iraq war. It is only the third such award given since Vietnam.

The other two were awarded last year to John F. Kerry (with a combat “V”)

Sergeant First Class Paul Ray Smith died defending the lives of his men. His courage is an inspiration to all who have worn, and will wear a United States Military Uniform.

His 11 year old son accepted the award on his behalf. It was a bittersweet moment as they missed their loved one – yet were very proud of what he did.

It was also an odd moment – Dubya kinda lost track of what he was doing and urged all 11-year olds to go out and join the Army.

The young man will be going out to tell the nation his dad’s story. In fact, he’s been so inspired by his dad’s bravery, that he’s telling his story in some very dangerous places: Chicago, Philadelphia, and Neverland.

Read More...


Rating: 2.6/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (26) | News Round-Up
April 06, 2005
Frank, Sarah, and the War on Terror
Posted by Harvey at 09:08 PM | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Not too long from now, Frank J. & Sarah K. will be entangled in the chafing shackles of matrimonial bliss. After all the hectic planning of the ceremony is behind them, they'll once again be free to spend their time doing what they do best:

Fighting terrorism.

I imagine that the events I'm about to describe in the extended entry will take place within weeks of their wedding day...

Read More...


Rating: 2.2/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (14) | Precision Guided Humor Assignments
Prince Rainier
Posted by spacemonkey at 04:25 PM | Email This

Monaco's Prince Rainier has died, I think we should do something great for him.

We could, I don't know, name a mountain after him or something.

Also,

Prince Albert was at his father's side when he died, Reuters news agency reported.
And not in the can as previously thought.

Rating: 2.0/5 (1 vote cast)

Comments (18)
You've Found Your New Pope
Posted by Aquaman at 01:47 PM | Email This

I, like many superheroes, am quite saddened by the passing of Pope John Paul II (Nightcrawler is taking it especially hard). Still we must look to the future. A new pope must be selected. Someone just. Someone pious. Someone who can be a spiritual leader for the world.

This sounds like a job for...

Read More...


Rating: 2.3/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (24) | Aqua-Adventures
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 12:16 PM | Email This

What's so special about this post?

Read More...


Rating: 2.1/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (16) | Fun Trivia
Not Cat Blogging
Posted by Frank J. at 11:09 AM | Email This

Time for some pictures that don't have to do with cats.

First off, Dave in Texas came to Orlando (which made him "Dave in Florida Who Really Is a Resident of Texas"). SarahK and I said, "Why don't you drive over to Melbourne so you can buy us dinner.

So he did.


It's not often someone gets to meet a superstar like me.

Now for more non-cat pictures...

Read More...


Rating: 2.8/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (30)
RWD's News Round-Up, Wednesday
Posted by RightWingDuck at 09:07 AM | Email This

Hello,

Welcome. Welcome.

I'm RightWingDuck and I'm here to share the news.

President Bush will be attending the Popes funeral along with Bill Clinton and George Sr.

Why no Jimmy Carter on this visit?

There was no room on the plane, even considering that he offered to bring his own peanuts.

That’s sad. Was Jimmy snubbed?

“Hi Jimmy. It’s Dubya. No, I’m not calling to invite you to the funeral. We already have a token Democrat. Hey, the Oval Office needs some new sheetrock. Can you help us out?”

Some speculate that Carter was snubbed, but really -it was for security reasons. Jimmy is 2,478th in the line of succession.

They didn't want to take any chances.

In New Jersey, the government held a massive Terror Training exercise.

It was totally realistic.

Rescue people practiced removing people from rubble, paramedics trained on emergency procedures, and the press practiced blaming President Bush.


It was so realistic, Osama made another video claiming credit.

Read More...


Rating: 2.2/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (19) | News Round-Up
April 05, 2005
American Idol top 9 - a liveDVR-blog
Posted by sarahk at 09:02 PM | Email This

Ryan Seacrest is wearing a slinky on his shirt. And that's okay, because he's supposed to look like a goofball.

Scott 01 - "The Impossible Dream" - oh, either the sound is awful again tonight or Scott's not caressing the mic enough. Ok, he looks good tonight, I like him in the suit. I love that song, so I'm not put off by him tonight. But that last note. Whew. Glad that's over. And there she goes again, Paula with her refusal to allow Simon, the only person with an opinion, to actually voice his. I wonder if she'll be all over him again tonight, and will she dance dance dance for us? One can only dread.

Even before we finished fast-forwarding through the commercials, Frank predicted that Constantine would pick the gayest song. Yep, well-predicted, my love.

Constantine 02 - "My Funny Valentine" - I despise this song, ever since we sang it in a Richard Rodgers night in chorale a couple of years ago. Tonight, Constantine's display of affection for America includes a knee-bend, come-to-bed gesture, and oh, I can't be farther from thinking that, dear me. I actually thought he sang quite well tonight, even after picking such a ridiculous and yawnful song. I didn't hate it, and vocally it was probably his best. I'm not sure what he said in his blah-blah session with Ryan after his performance, but there was more come-to-daddy behavior.

Carrie 03 - "Hello Young Lovers" - The dress is hideous, the earrings are cute, the hair is 80s awful. The song was so boring until the end, and oh wow, the big finish was done in fabulous i'm-the-best fashion . She's awesome, but I stayed up really late the last two nights, and I would ask that she refrain from finishing me off in future episodes. I'm trying to stay awake to kick Frank's butt in Puzzle Kombat!!

Vonzell 04 - "People" - I cringed when I heard what she was going to sing. See above, I do not have the caffeinitude to stay awake for this tonight. Ok, her voice is amazing, she doesn't get near the credit she deserves, and let me just tell you that that was better than anything I've ever heard come out of Barbra Streisand's trap. I do love her look tonight, she is beautiful. And Paula looks close to the edge. I don't know, collagen? Salt? Something medicinal?

Anthony 05 - "Climb Every Mountain" - I actually disagree with Simon. Yes, the beginning was like watching two sloths playing the mating dance, but later on, once he started to build and blah blah, I thought it was pretty good. I go back and forth on him every week. Kill me before you make me listen to him again v. nobody speak or move while he's singing lest I miss a single note. Tonight, one of his better ones. Last note = great.

Nikko 06 - "One Hand One Heart" - He kinda cheated by having that lady sing along like it was a duet. Now that the criticism is out of the way, and we know I'm not a Nikko fan, I actually thought that was his best performance. It was the first time he wasn't singing about all the things he'd like to do to me in the privacy of his bedroom. Actually didn't make me feel dirty.

Anwar 07 - "If Ever I Would Leave You" - Please please please be good tonight. Lemme tell ya, that chamber music piano riff during any song makes my eyes glaze over and my mind wander. Oh, he's back. *Sigh* I clapped for real.

I think Simon's in a mood tonight.

Bo 08 - "some song from Pippin" LOL, I love how he picked his song. Close your eyes and cross your fingers. *giggle* I'm such a sucker. He could say "I chose the song that seemed the most liberal of all the songs" and I would giggle, get excited, and defend him vigorously for his pick. I'm hoping for a Hank Williams Jr. or Toby Keith song next week; seriously, if I heard him sing about Uncle Sam, I might just skip around the room. And would somebody please pour the vodka out of Paula's Coca-Cola cup and give her some coffee? That woman is ailing.

Nadia 09 - "If Ever He Needs Me" - She looks fabulous tonight, I love the coiled hair, the dress, all of it. She was great.

I agree, if you're going to go with a musicals theme, at least please sir, don't allow the boring let's-walk-through-the-park-together-in-the-moonlight-and-talk-about-butterflies songs into the repertoire.

My order tonight:

Bo - because he's my favorite
Nadia
Constantine - and tomorrow I get my head examined
Anwar
Vonzell
Carrie
Anthony
Nikko
Scott

Rating: 3.5/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (23)
A Balanced Discussion About Social Security
Posted by spacemonkey at 01:27 PM | Email This

Here we'll take a balanced look at social security with all sides weighing in on the matter.
Social Security Question and Answer Session

What is wrong with Social Security?
Left Side - Nothing. Ok well, we'll tweak it a little. Really the only thing that would improve it is putting it in the U.S. Constitution or the U.N. Charter.
Right Side - A whole freakin' lot. In fact, just short of everything. We don't even really like the name all that much.
Off Side (me) - Everything. Well, it's my money, why can't I freaking keep it/lose it/buy a Play Station Portable with it or groceries or plastic yard bunnies or whatever? But NOOOOOO, instead I have to take it out of every single freakin' paycheck and put it into an account I'll probably never see a red cent of unless we start euthanizing more inconvenient people pretty soon.

When will Social Security run out of money if nothing is changed?
Left Side - Never, if money ever gets low, we'll just institute a tax on Bibles, Bible reading and any other Bible related activilties, up to and including thumping.
Righ Side - 2017 or 2041 depending on what you mean by run out.
Off Side - 1954, Right now it takes on average 3 people's pay in to match 1 person's payout. At 3:1 it sounds like it's already out of money to me.

Who will use personal accounts?
Left Side - Everyone will be forced to. Your money will be taken from you by jack booted thugs at gun point. We don't have a problem with this in principle since that's how we'd like to see taxes taken. Our real concern is that it will then all be given to evil rich Republicans. Oh and the dead will all have to be dug up to see if they were buried with loose change in their pockets. The dead people change will also given to the evil rich Republicans for them to spend on having their gold-plated everything turned into platinum-plated everythings.
Right Side - Only those who desire to participate will. Those who chose not to participate can keep their account the way it is. People over 50 will not have the option.
Off Side - Only the people who brought me really cool presents for my 13th birthday will be allowed to participate. This is the 22nd year I've continued to accept these presents. Hint: I like things with the initials PSP. Oh and that blogger Phil. he can use them too.

Describe Social Security in 25 words or less.
Left Side - A great big ol' warm bear hug from our nanny, the government. Good for us who are too dumb/lazy to plan for our own retirement. [long sigh]
Right Side - Social Security, an idea whose time has come and GONE. Social? I dunno,maybe. Secure? HAH! HAH! HAHHHAHHAHHAHA HAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAH!. HAHAHAHHAHAHH! [deep breath] AHAHAHAHA HAHHHAHAH! [COUGH] HAH!
Off Side - I say its time to pull the feeding tube and let it die a dignified painless death. And somebody please get the 'Right Side' guy some water, he's turning red.

Thanks for tuning in.

Rating: 1.9/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (22)
I Don't Want a New Pope
Posted by Frank J. at 12:03 PM | Email This

Sorry I haven't said anything about the pope since he died; I guess I'm going by the maxim that, if you don't have anything profound to say, don't say anything at all. But not saying anything at all isn't an option, so here I am.

As we speak my little kitten is locked in master bathroom with a plastic cone around her head so she doesn’t chew on her stitches and neither does SarahK’s cat, Calico Fats. She's about as pathetic looking as possible (I'll put pictures up later), but I gave her a little piece of plastic to play with all day. Still, I worry. Also, I was drinking from my travel mug and then looked down to find my blue shirt all covered in yellow coffee stains. Stupid travel mug malfunction. Now I'm going to look like an idiot all day.

You're probably wondering why I'm telling you all this.

Read More...


Rating: 3.8/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (67)
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 11:01 AM | Email This

What would Jesus do?

Read More...


Rating: 1.0/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (12) | Fun Trivia
RWD's News Round-Up, Tuesday
Posted by RightWingDuck at 08:51 AM | Email This

Hello,

I'm RightWingDuck, and I'm here to share the news.

The passing of the Pope has touched millions worldwide. Now, the funeral preparations are getting underway as they prepare to receive leaders from around the world.

President Bush will be attending, because he’s President. Bill Clinton might attend because he met the Pope several times, and John Kerry wants to attend because he served in Vietnam.

The interesting part is that the College of Cardinals will be voting for a new Pope. It should go smoothly, provided things don’t get screwed up by the Cardinal from Ohio.

Thankfully, Jimmy Carter will be there to ensure that no funny business takes place.

There are no leading candidates at this point.

However, Zogby Polling stated that in order to win the office, the winning candidate must poll well among Cardinals who are Catholic.

Normally, the voting is done by secret ballot. This election, they’ll be using voting machines from America. So I guess if the machines really are rigged, our next Pope could be George Bush!! (With 1% for Ralph Nader)

Read More...


Rating: 2.3/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (19) | News Round-Up
Minutemen on the Job!
Posted by Harvey at 07:54 AM | Email This

In Arizona, a group of over 400 well-armed, patriotic citizens - mostly retired men - have taken it upon themselves to patrol the Mexican border to help the Border Patrol stem the tide of illegal immigrants.

Which is fine by me.

But what if their project succeeds and the border becomes secure? What will they do then? Just go home, sit on the couch, and ogle Baywatch reruns?

'Twould be tragic.

Surely there are other projects available for a heat-packin' mob of American Patriots. Projects like the ones in the extended entry:

Read More...


Rating: 2.9/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (17)
April 04, 2005
Links of the Day
Posted by sarahk at 10:01 PM | Email This

Super big announcement! The Know Thy Enemy: French t-shirt has been reprinted, with a new line! Even if you have the French shirt, you need the new one because it's improved! Go buy now!

Speaking of those shirts, Kim du Toit has a t-shirt out now. Go buy now after you buy KTE: French!

American Digest has a list of Frequently Answered Questions. I wish Frank would post his old FAQ somewhere. Unless he already has, in which case, I wish I knew where they were posted.

MonkeyWatch hates monkeys as much as Frank claims to.

Speaking of monkeys, the evil fake sarahK has a picture of Stupid Monkey Purr-Purr. Sydney, you're not an onion ring!

Rating: 2.9/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (8)
In My World: Answers of Fury Part II
Posted by Frank J. at 11:25 AM | Email This

Part I

* * * *

Scott McClellan landed a flying kick to the dummy. He then ripped off its arms and beat it to pieces.

"With that," the elder said, "You have mastered the art of responding to reporters."

"What now, master?" Scott asked, bowing before the elder.

"Now you get out of here before your dog attacks a load-bearing stone."

The ancient temple behind them collapsed. Chomps walked forward and spit out a piece of granite.

"Do you know how many thousands of years old that building was?" the elder shouted.

"We'll get you a new one," Scott said, running off, "I need to get to my next press conference!"

* * * *

"Ah, the chubby man returns," Zatoichi, the blind swordsman, remarked as he heard Scott enter the White House, "Yet he walks differently. There is confidence in each step. Feels like earthquake since he's fat. Heh heh!"

"No reporter is going to push me around now!" Scott announced, "I demand respect from all I encounter."

"So why do you not ask angry dog to stop biting your leg?" Ichi inquired.

Scott glanced a moment at Chomps and his threatening glare. "Because I don't mind it."

President Bush ran up to Scott. "We got a problem!" he exclaimed, "I was looking on a globe, and I thought I saw Chile move. Thus, I launched a tactical strike against it. I need you to explain this away to the press."

"It is my duty, and it shall be done," Scott told Bush as he bowed.

"Oh, and pick me up some smokes while you're out."

* * * *

"Hasn't the administration's idiocy destroyed relations with South America?" one reporter asked.

"Foreign relations are a delicate thing," Scott answered, "but it takes a particular wrong move to burst it all apart, much like a certain strike to the chest will explode the heart." Scott then shot out his hand and struck the reporter in the chest with two fingers. The reporter fell to the ground, blood gushing out his mouth. "Perhaps now you see."

"But isn't everything going in the wrong direction with these mistakes?" asked another reporter.

Scott charged him and sent a kick to his face. The reporter's head then flew off his body and rolled along the floor. "This man's head is not a perfect ball, and yet it rolls forward still," Scott said, "And, even with imperfections, our foreign policy can move forward as well. Any more questions?"

The press backed away in fear.

Scott bowed to them. "Then we are finished here."

* * * *

"Wow!" Bush exclaimed to Scott, "You inflicted almost as many casualties on the press as Rumsfeld does."

"But I don’t need to use fancy moves made by Asian homos to do it," Rumsfeld grumbled.

"You know," Bush continued, "every single day you've worked for us, Scott, I've said aloud, 'I sure wish we still had Ari instead of tubbo,' and, until just now, I hadn't said that today."

Scott bowed. "Your words bring me great honor."

"Cool! Now where's my smokes?"

* * * *

Scott looked to the reporters before him. "You have not said anything for the past five weeks. Do any of you dare question the Bush administration today?"

The press shivered, but then one man stepped forward. "I have a question," he said, his voice firm and unwavering, "and it gratuitously mentions Abu Ghraib."

Scott ripped off his suit jacket. "Then you will die!" He launched into a flying kick at the man, but it was blocked and Scott found himself smashing into the ground. Scott then looked up and recognized the reporter. "Shen Po!" he exclaimed, "Enemy of the Bronze Mongoose and new White House correspondent for the New York Times!"

"And the fury of your answers is no match for the power of my questions!" Shen Po laughed, "Now you will tell me where the ancient temple of the Order of the Bronze Mongoose is!"

"But shouldn't you already know where it is since you trained there?" Scott asked.

"Yes, but I lost my MapQuest printout," Shen Po responded, "Now answer so I may destroy the temple!"

"Uh... it kinda sorta already was destroyed... by accident."

"Then I shall take my vengeance against you!" Shen Po yelled and tried to stomp down on Scott. Scott rolled back to his feet and sunk into a fighting stance. "Ha!" Shen Po laughed, "You will not survive! For, with my kung fu, THERE IS NO ANSWER!"

TO BE CONTINUED...

Rating: 2.8/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (20) | In My World
RWD's News Round-Up, Monday
Posted by RightWingDuck at 09:24 AM | Email This

Hello,

I'm RightWingDuck, and I'm here to share the news.

Some sad news. Pope John Paul II died this weekend.

Catholics around the world mourn the loss of this religous leader.

I'm not Catholic anymore, but I respect any person who dedicates his life to serving the Lord.

I was watching Spanish TV when they broadcast the announcement. The man on the street interviews had people saying things such as, "He made a difference", "He served God his whole life" and "I hope he's in a better place now.

I thought - You HOPE he's in a better place?

Man, if he can't get in, I am so royally screwed....

Seriously...He was a leader who made an impact and I hope his soul is at rest.

Inother news, a man assaulted Pat Buchanan by throwing salad dressing all over him at arecent speech

The young man was arrested on a minor charge as Pat refused to press assault charges.

Man, that is so stressful. In fact, to help ease the stress, Pat will be going away on a vacation... to the Thousand Islands.

Just kidding, I mean to his RANCH DRESSING hahahahahaha.

Ahem. anyway...

Read More...


Rating: 2.3/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (15) | News Round-Up
Now THAT'S a Happy Dance!
Posted by Harvey at 07:55 AM | Email This

As I mentioned earlier, Google's doubling of their storage capacity caused me to do a rhythmless white-boy happy-dance.

I'll bet you're wondering what such an abomination in the eyes of God would look like.

Something very much like this. (safe for work)

[special thanks to It's A Pundit.com and Travis Benning for linking, directing, producing, lighting, cinematography, best boy, and key grip work in this production]

Rating: 1.8/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (8)
April 03, 2005
If One is Good, Then Two Must Be Better
Posted by Harvey at 01:52 AM | Email This

I heard recently that Gmail is upping its storage capacity to TWO Gigabytes from the original insanely large one Gig.

Which news caused me to do a Happy Dance just like Frank J's, except with more rhythmless White-boy arm-flailing, and less hat-tossing.

It also made me think of a few other things that I'd like to see double, which I contemplate in the extended entry:

Read More...


Rating: 1.0/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (29)
April 02, 2005
Somebody Once Said
Posted by spacemonkey at 07:34 PM | Email This

Somebody once commented on a post I once wrote on a weekend. The comment sort of stuck in my head.

Update?

And sacrifice brilliant writing on the pagan altar of the weekend readership trough?

Heaven forfend.


Like I say somebody said that, but I forget Harvey's, I mean, his name.

Well, this particular pagan altar of weekend traffic has boo-koo-dles of readers. More readers in fact, more than than 3-4 thousand more readers than most blogs get on their hottest traffic times (during the work week, if there are simple doofusses out there reading this who don't know what hot traffic times are (oh and work week means Monday thru Friday, if there are any lazy hippies out there reading this (can you put parantheticals inside parentheticals? (I guess so)))).

So, I figure, why NOT post on the weekend? at least I'm not claiming this is brilliant. Weekends don't have to be weak-ends. Sorry that was a really bad pun.

Or should I just not draw more attention to the fact that the others here don't post on the weekend?

Rating: 2.3/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (17)
Links of the Morning
Posted by sarahk at 08:20 AM | Email This

Beth's Carnival of the Recipes #33 is up over at Texas Best Grok. Go see!!

Also, Carnival of Cordite is up at Resistance is Futile! I really like that pink shirt.

Rating: 2.5/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (6)
April 01, 2005
Exciting announcement . . .
Posted by Cadet Happy at 09:29 PM | Email This

Despite the fun I had with you today regarding the sale of the imao.us domain name to a group of Japanese investors, I wasn't kidding yesterday when I noted that I had made a big deal for the imao website. I'm proud to announce that my first book has just been picked up for publication!

What is the subject matter, you may ask? Well, you all know that I'm passionate about the conservative movement and political humor. But, you likley aren't aware of another cause that is near and dear to my heart . . .

Read More...


Rating: 2.0/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (49) | IMAO Exclusives
Glenn Reynold's April Fool's Day
Posted by Harvey at 09:15 PM | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

So I was trying to get my blogging done tonight when the phone rang...
(transcript in the extended entry)

Read More...


Rating: 1.2/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (12) | Filthy Lies
On a More Serious Note
Posted by Frank J. at 12:43 PM | Email This

Just got a call from my borther, Joe foo' the Marine, in Iraq. That reminds me, I forgot to thank whoever it was who directed me to motomail.us. Anyway, he says he is getting a lot done, morale is great, and he's happy to be there (most of the time). Please keep him in your prayers.

Also, the pope seems to be in a pretty bad condition. I know he'll stay here and do what he can as long as he is able, so I wouldn't count him out just yet. Please pray for a good man who has fully devoted his life to the betterment of mankind.

On a lighter note, I got Sydney back from the vet from being spayed. She was hissing and clawing at everyone, and they had to use gloves to give her to me. She was happy to see her daddy though. Minerva, on the other hand, keeps hissing and spitting at her because she smells like the vet's office.

Dumb cats.

Rating: 2.3/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (20)
April Fools!!!
Posted by Frank J. at 12:36 PM | Email This

I am very happy to tell you that IMAO.us has not been boughts by Japanese company. You may view phony site here.

Also, here are reaction of SarahK, FlyingSpaceMonkey, RightWingDuck, and Harvey.

This is "quality" group effort for joke, with Scott comings up with the idea and doing much of work. We hopes we did not scare you and continue to enjoy IMAO.us for very long life.

Rating: 2.7/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (41)
 

Buy IMAO T-Shirts


IMAO T-Shirts

The IMAO T-Shirt Babe
(winning picture) YOU BUY NEW SHIRTS NOW!!!
Yay! Books!





Capitalism
Archives
By Category
24
American Idol
Aqua-Adventures
Barackalypse Now
Best of IMAO 2002
Best of IMAO 2006
Bite-Sized Wisdom
Editorials
Election 2008
Filthy Lies
Frank Answers
Frank Discussions
Frank on Guns
Frank Reads the Bible
Frank the Artist
Fred Thompson Facts
Friday Cat-Blogging
Fun Trivia
Hellbender
Hellbender Take Two
Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
Humor
I Hate Frank
If I Were President
ignis fatuous
IMAO Condensed
IMAO Exclusives
IMAO for the Non-Deaf
IMAO Reviews
IMAO Think Tank
In My World
In My World - Fan Fiction
John Edwards Fabulous Facts
Know Thy Enemy
lolterizt
Michael Moore
Mitt Romney Ads
News Round-Up
Newsish Fakery
No, McCain't
Our Military
Permalink Contest
Precision Guided Humor Assignments
Ron Paul, Ron Paul, Ron Paul
Ronin Profiles
Ronin Thought of the Day
SarahK's TV stuff
Scary Evil Monkey
Simpsons Trivia
Songs & Poems
State of the Frank Report
Superego
Totally True Tidbits
WEsistance Is Facile
Why Me Laugh?
Yvonne's Ashes
By Month
December 2008
September 2008
August 2008
July 2008
June 2008
May 2008
April 2008
March 2008
February 2008
January 2008
December 2007
November 2007
October 2007
September 2007
August 2007
July 2007
June 2007
May 2007
April 2007
March 2007
February 2007
January 2007
December 2006
November 2006
October 2006
September 2006
August 2006
July 2006
June 2006
May 2006
April 2006
March 2006
February 2006
January 2006
December 2005
November 2005
October 2005
September 2005
August 2005
July 2005
June 2005
May 2005
April 2005
March 2005
February 2005
January 2005
December 2004
November 2004
October 2004
September 2004
August 2004
July 2004
June 2004
May 2004
April 2004
March 2004
February 2004
January 2004
December 2003
November 2003
October 2003
September 2003
August 2003
July 2003
June 2003
May 2003
April 2003
March 2003
February 2003
January 2003
December 2002
November 2002
October 2002
September 2002
August 2002
July 2002
March 1933