Maybe some Republican stalwarts could listen to two hours of WASPs blah-blah-blah-ing about the need for conservatives to run in the upcoming city council races and bemoaning the liberal media, but last night I had to be the only Republican at a dinner party in Seattle with a dozen high-paid, lily-white, Audi-driving, anti-religious lefty elitists who were constantly complaining about "BushCo" and the "Red State Bible-Thumpers" who were ruining their country.

I was furious about the close-minded insults of the elite Left hurled at conservatives at the dinner party last night but couldn't do much about it. Then, in the middle of the first segment of the live Republican Radio talk show this morning, I realized that all of the guests on the show were exactly the kind of WASP-ish Republican stereotypes the left-wing elitists I had to deal with at last night's party think comprise the entire conservative movement in America!

I don't have audio of me losing it on air (yet), but I told all of the guests to go home, gave the show's call screener my mobile phone with address book, and told the screener they had until the end of the commercial break to give me diversity on the show. Thanks to my contact list, I was able to get a Black conservative female columnist, a gay conservative blogger, and a Los Angeles-based Muslim who is a radical Republican (you can hear Ali Hasan's first segment here).

Hey lefty! Look me in the eye and tell me that that isn't a diverse lineup! The only person I couldn't get on the show was a Latino business owner who once told me "I don't support amnesty for illegals; I'm for shooting them as they come across the Rio Grande."

It certainly made for interesting radio. I doubt the Republican Radio full-timers will ever have me produce another show but I thought it went well... I'll try to have a podcast link of the whole show soon

* In a battle between you and Aquaman, who would win?

* Your logo is a broadcast tower. Is it true that it used to be a flag at half-mast before you discovered Viagra?

* Boxers or briefs?

* Oster or Waring?

* Which came first - you or the aluminum foil?

* Are you actually a cartoon character? I mean, we've never actually SEEN you and Homer Simpson together at the same time.

* Why doesn't your FAQ page mention your numerous connections to organizations known to support the monkey menace that threatens all human life?

* In your about me picture, you have your hands in your pockets. Do you have six fingers on your right hand, and how much will you pay me not to mention this to Inigo Montoya?

* Do you ever regret blogging about your obsession with gay penguin voyeurism?

* You recently said, "If a coyote eats one of my cats, I intend to make a coyote rug." Do they MAKE blenders that big?

* Will you be merging your blog with Andrew Sullivan's after the wedding?

* Don't you think it's somewhat blasphemous that your hat is both taller and pointier than the Pope's?

* When the Berlin Wall came down, is it true that you used a piece of it to bash in a hobo's skull?

* Did you trade nuclear weapons secrets to the North Koreans in exchange for a truckload of puppies?

* Why, oh WHY did you corrupt that cool Geiko gecko with your foul Robot Dancing?

* Are you involved in Boston's recent rash of puppy kidnappings?

* You ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?

* There has been a dramatic rise in obesity among children under the age of 11. Are your PupGurt Brand Yogurt Smoothies to blame for this?

* One of your favorite words is "Indeed", which you always start with a capital "I". Is this also Viagra-related?

WHY WON'T YOU LINK TO ME? HUH? WHY? WHY? WHYYYYYYYY?????

I have a feeling that's going to be the most popular question at the conference.

One!

Robbie submitted a post by Alan at OCCAM'S CARBUNCLE presents I mean, the guy probably believes in God!

Sam Johnson at I am abused mentally by my colon presents poot!

RW at The Decadent West presents DW vs. 5 Year Olds [language]

David Bieck at Guns and Glory presents 8 Ways Not To Get Shot By The U.S. Military [language]

Mat at Dog and Pony Show presents Reverse Evolution Bad and At Newsstands Now!

Hatless in Hattiesburg at Hatless in Hattiesburg presents Awareness

Laurence Simon at IFOC News presents Annan Expresses Concern For Deteriorating Hilton-Ritchie Relations [language] [ed note, sorry Lawrence, it was just n general principals, not the c-word. A Laurence Simon post with no cussin, what's next self-toasting bread? ed. apologizes]

Suzanne Wood at Descartes' Bar and Grill presents There is,of course, plenty of news

Uncle Jimbo at Military Matters- Uncle Jimbo presents Rotten Duck Eggs & Day Old Chicken

Jennifer at Demure Thoughts presents Femme Products [language]

Adam at SATELLITE FUN - PICTURE BLOG presents DANCING MR. PEANUT LAKE

Dana at Northshore Politics presents If I didn't have a sense of humor

Dan Lovejoy at Dan & Angi have something to say presents Did you hear the one about C. Everett Koop's Elbow?

James Wigderson at Wigderson Library & Pub presents Let the fur fly

Arthur F at Muse With Art presents Robin 'Red' Hood - Is Robin Hood a Comunnist?

James at IbeJO - Creative Cursing 24x7 presents I'm gonna sound like a [pinkytoe] for saying this [language] and An Interview with Adolf Hitler [language]

Scott J. at AMCGLTD presents Always a Woman

Lana at live from the guillotine presents THE NEXT SURVIVOR SERIES II

sackofcatfood at Mish Mash presents Fighting Terrorism, by Making Terrorism Uncool

Jonathan Geist at presents A Rather Memorable Ebay Auction

Ofc. Krupke at Ofc. Krupke presents A Tasteful Gun/Lamp

Lee Zanello at See The Donkey presents A Brief History of Portable Music

Steve Otey at Irritation Station presents How to annoy at work

Buckley F. Williams at The Nose On Your Face presents Public Figures Speak Out On Ratzinger/Olsen Papacy

Patriot Xeno at Right Hand of God presents Tips for Insulting a Person

John at WuzzaDem.com presents Blogging With Clippy

jimmyb at The Conservative UAW Guy presents Not Too Terribly Fond of Jane

Dan Caves at America's Glory presents Taking Steps toward GET A JOB, HIPPY!

Alec Rawls at Error theory presents Earth Day 2030: "A new eye blinked open upon the world"

J. Fielek at Quibbles-n-Bits presents This might be the last post...

Simon P. Chappell at Upright and Breathing presents Java and .Net on my desktop

Kid Various at The Idiom presents Habemus Papem! Cont'd

Ferdinand T. Cat at Conservative Cat presents The Thing with the Monitors

Doc Rampage at Doc Rampage presents my protest

Mark A. Rayner at The Skwib presents Exploding fairy tales, frankenfoods and German toads

Raquel Roman at ..."And Psychotic's a bad thing because?" presents Ode to FrankJ. and Ode to FrankJ. (Cont.)

Citizen Grim at Right Hand of God presents Happy Earth Day!

a4g at Point Five presents Stupid Horse Dies on Movie Set, Idiot Animal Rights Activists Have Panties in a Bunch

Entries From IMAO readers who entered by email rather than post
I posted these both in the Frank J Fan Club. Here they are individually.

IMAO reader whitefang1001-at-aol.com - emails CANNIBALS FIGHT FOR CIVIL RIGHTS

IMAO reader, thrillerfan89-at-yahoocom - emails A 100 Percent True (Unfortunately) Story

IMAO Members
Harvey at Bad Example presents TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

Cadet Happy at mountaineer musing presents the garden is coming in beautifully

RightWingDuck at Right Wing Duck presents I have no proof but...

spacemonkey at The Flying Space Monkey Chronicles presents Our Brush With Food Poisioning

sarahk at mountaineer musings presents 4.9 A MAN OF HIS WORD

Frank J. at IMAO presents Hating Michael Moore

I did ask Frank for a nice quote for the first Carnival of Comedy and he said

None of that 'first' crap, no talk of monkeys and... Monkey, see this gun? It's loaded. Now, get your feet out of my face before I unload it, the loud way.

This wraps up the inaugural, initial, premier and yes, first issue of the Carnival of Comedy. You saw it here at IMAO, first!

American Idol is making headlines. Looks like ABC is trying to air a special where they talk about all the backstage stuff. It may be that – get this- judges can influence the decision made by viewers of the show!

I don’t know. Does it MATTER if the judges are too chummy with the contestants and push their favorite?

Folks, this isn’t the Olympics. This is a popularity contest.

Fox is livid that ABC would air such a special!

When asked for their opinions, the AI judges had their say. Simon said the idea was “dreadful and seemed like a cruise ship act”, Randy called them a bunch of dawgs, and Paula, always positive, really appreciated that ABC was "trying hard and putting in the effort."

Juicy tidbit: Did you know that Simon spent the first half of this season always asking, “Hey, whatever happened to that fat, black guy?”

Former contestant Corey Clark is coming out with a book. He says that he and Paula Abdul were lovers and she promised to be his special friend and help his career.

Paula came out with a statement, “I won’t dignify that accusation with a response – but he sure does try hard and I like his effort.”

The Europeans are very happy. They successfully carried out a test flight of their new Airbus A380 jetliner. A plane so big it holds 800 passengers.

There were 30,000 people at the site to watch the tests and there were some great reactions such as: “I’m so proud.” This will be good for Europe.” And “This will be the Mother Of All Hijack…. I mean Airplanes.”

This is one big airplane. Hollywood is sooooo excited about this. Imagine – a plane big enough to hold Michael Moore AND a beverage cart.

While we’re on the topic of airplanes. President Bush, in a show of support, invited Tom DeLay to return to Washington with him on Air Force One.

The President personally escorted DeLay off the plane. He wished him well and sent him on. Afterward, the President joined the crew as they tried to figure out why so many ashtrays went missing.

DeLay as you know is facing an ethics probe. Mostly because of questionable trips paid for by outside groups.

This is a serious charge. Democrats are right to pursue this aggressively. Of course, they have adopted incredibly high standards - ever since Monica gave Bill that free trip “Around the World.”

Air America is in the news too. I like Air America (motto: The alternative to static)

Morning host Randi Rhodes featured a radio skit where they fired gunshots at the president.

Thankfully, there won’t be any investigations for the network. A formal FCC inquiry requires 12 complaints – which is 2 more than the total number of listeners.

I’m not saying their ratings are bad, but their newest slogan is ‘More fun than the Emergency Broadcast Signal”

All this trouble because they were trying to do humor. Personally, I feel that liberals should leave humor to the professional news anchors.

Here in Los Angeles, there’s some controversy over a billboard. Did you hear about this? A Spanish TV station put up a sign saying Los Angeles, CA – with the “CA” crossed out and “Mexico” written off to the side.

The TV station of course sees nothing wrong with it. There is a huge Mexican population here in Los Angeles – some of them are even legal. Yep – I’ve got my papers (wait – I was born here!)

The station is standing by the ad saying, “Listen, this is a free country. If you don’t like it, go back to America.”

Sad. People ask me, "RWD,what can we do about this?" And I usually respond, "What do you mean WE, paleface?"

Oh. Here’s some more sad news.

You know who’s taking steroids these days? Young girls. Really, girls as young as NINE have been found to take steroids because they want that toned look that they see on models.

How screwed upis this? Those models had 1,000 pictures snapped before the photographer got the perfect one. Then they airbrushed it, photoshopped it, and tweaked it to make it look just right. The MODELS wish they could look like models!!!

Thankfully, these girls aren’t out to build big muscles. They simply want more toned legs.

And many of them are getting just what they want: long, strong, beautiful legs. Legs that go all the way up to their testicles.

Finally, from a Baltimore suburb we have this great story.

Some Buffalo escaped from their ranch and ended up hitting the streets. Police took a long time to round them up but approached it with a light-hearted attitude.

Who knows, next week, they could be rounding up the deer and the antelope.

That’s why I like Baltimore people. They are just so mellow.

Baltimore.

Where seldom is heard.
A discouraging word.
And the skies are not cloudy all day.

**

Thanks.

Remember, I can't hear you. So if anything got a laugh out of you, post it in comment and let me know what struck you as funny today.

* Cat Gas - Incapacitates the enemy by making him cough up hairballs and lick his own butt.

* Field Activated Repulsing Traumatizer - the acronym says it all

* F-bomb - Turns even battle-hardened troops into sniveling Frenchman.

* Works best in conjunction with the White Flag Bomb.

* Model JFK04 Magic CIA Hat of +3 Healing - Turns mortal wounds into non-life-threatening, Band-aidable scratches. Good for up to three uses.

* Twinkie Armor - The golden sponge cake treat is impervious to heat, cold, radiation and bullets. "Silly terrorist! You cannot hurt a Twinkie!"

* Mecha-Streisand - Self-explanatory.

* Sonic Sanity Snapper - Melt terrorist brains with seven sinister song settings: Hamster, Llama, Schnappi, Hung, Numa Numa, Badger, and Petting Zoo.

* WARNING! Petting Zoo is not safe for work and it's use may constitute a violation of the Geneva Convention. Consult an International Law expert before using this setting outside of Abu Ghraib.

* Ballistic Ultralight Lethal Lead Energy Transmitter System - Utilizing the latest in kinetic projectile physics technology, even a single one of these babies is capable of re-arranging a terrorist's innards at distances of up to 1000 yards. These are currently being field tested and are expected to replace the Soggy Paper Impulse Targeted Ballistic Attack Loogey Launching System by as early as 2008.

* WTF Bomb - Propaganda leaflets covered with Democratic Underground posts will make the enemy think he's won the war so he'll quit and go home.

* American Flag - Releases up to 10 megatons of Freedom and Democracy when attached to the side of a 10 megaton nuclear warhead.

* Sorry... NUCULAR warhead.

POLICE OFFICER: So why did you shoot that man?

SHOOTER: I didn't like the way he looked at me.

OFFICER: We'll see if any witnesses can corroborate that... hey, they've all been shot too.

SHOOTER: After I shot that guy, I didn't like the way they were looking at me either, so I shot them as well.

OFFICER: I guess we have nothing to hold you on, then. You're free to go.

SHOOTER: Don't look at me that way!

The thing about this law change, though, is that anyone with half a brain would already ignored the parts in the law about having to try and flee first and to make sure someone who broke into your home is threatening you before you fire. As the sheriff you taught the class for my conceal and carry permit said, "It's better to be judged by twelve than carried by six." In an intense situation, you don't have time to try and consider all the ramifications - it's shoot or don't shoot. Self-defense is a visceral thing, and, if you try and take the time to think it out, there can be disastrous consequences (I was told the story of a man who didn't shoot someone who broke into his house because the robber fled at the sight of the gun. The robber then ran upstairs, locked himself in the room with the man's daughter and raped her.). The best idea when faced with a criminal is to shoot and worry about the justification later. All this new laws means is I don't have to come up with some lame excuse if I end up in a self defense shooting.

OUTDOOR SHOOTING OF ATTACKER

OFFICER: Did you try to flee before shooting this man.

ME (FRANK J.): I did, but then I wasn't able to run very fast because my gun was weighting me down. Thus I lightened the gun by getting some of the bullets out of it.

SHOOTING ROBBER IN HOME

OFFICER: If you felt threatened enough to fire on this man, why was he shot in the back while he apparently was running away?

ME: I figured he had a gun he was better at shooting with at longer ranges, so I needed to shoot him before he had a chance to use it. So, is my DVD player he had in his hands all right? If not, it was under warranty.

Anyway, the idea is there are plenty of time to come up with excuses after you're safe, but, with this new law, I don't have to waste time thinking of justifications and can instead spend the time waiting for the cops to arrive looking for the warranty card to my DVD player.

As the purpose of IMAO is to educate the public (see the IMAO's Charter clause 173.24b), I'll end this post with some self-defense tips cobbled together from what lots of grizzled looking characters have told me.

FRANK TIPS FOR SELF-DEFENSE

* First off, get yourself a gun, numb-nuts. Are you willing to bet your life on a condiment dispenser (i.e. pepper-spray)? And make it a good gun with some ammo with stopping power.

* When carrying concealed, be able to draw at a moments notice. While some deep carry holsters...

THERE IS A CRAZED ATTACKER COMING AT YOU RIGHT NOW!!!

If you were not able to draw and fire before you finished reading that sentence, you are not prepared. Many attacks only give you a second or two notice, so practice a quick draw and firing using snap-caps.

* Remember, a robber is more afraid of you than you are of him - or at least he should be. In situation where you have more notice, usually a display of your gun is enough to scare away a potential attacker. Even if you have to fire, it's all a mind game, and you want the upper hand. Me, I like to be able to draw dual-.45s. Sure, I can aim better drawing one, but pulling out two should immediately let my victim attacker know he just stepped in it. Others might like laser sights to shine right into the attacker's eyes (not my thing). You need to let the attacker know you're the badass prepared for this situation and he ain't. Even if he doesn't flee, soiled pants will hinder his aim.

* At home, shoot as soon as you identify someone in your home who shouldn't be there. I don't care how expensive the amplifier is that he has in his arms. All you need to do is make sure the person in the dark isn't one of your family members. This can be determined by asking, "Are you one of my family members?" before unleashing a hail of bullets.

* Also for home, have a pump action shotgun. If you hear someone in your home, you chamber a round as loudly as possible. Unless the guy is high on PCP, he's going to be getting out of your place before you can even think of pulling a trigger. If he is high on PCP, then it's time to fire the shotgun. I don't care how whacked out on drugs someone is; you need a mid-section to be a threat.

* Don't be overly callous when applying force, though, as there usually are laws dictating that you can't respond to an attack with "excessive force." So, once your attacker is dead, stop shooting him; that's excessive. Firing into someone already dead wastes bullets, defiles a corpse, and is against the law.

If anyone has more tips or modifications to mine, put them in the comments. And, as a reminder to potential attackers: While you do not have a duty to flee if you see me on the streets, it's probably a wise idea.

Hey everybody! spacemonkey here to bring you a prevaricated report on what evil glenn is up to or perhaps a totally true tidbit or twelve (alliteration baby) or some other perversion for you.
-No, that's Harvey.

Hey everybody! spacemonkey here with a humorous photoshop (the adobe people hate that word used as a noun... or a verb) I've photoshopped (take that adobe!) for you.
-No, that's Cadet Happy.

Hey everybody! spacemonkey here with a funny audio clip for people who aren't deaf or hardhitting conservative commentary for you.
-No, that's Scott.

Hey everybody! spacemonkey here with a tale of how my talky/fishy ability and underwater breathing power in no way prevents my liberal butt from being kicked, for you.
-No that's Aquaman.

Hey everybody! spacemonkey here with an update on AI, some links of the day, maybe some gratuitous t-shirt babe photos or some random acts of cuteness for you.
-No that's sarahk .

Hey everybody! spacemonkey here with a groundbreaking satire piece, first class gut-splitting humor or just a major ego trip for you.
-No, that's Frank J.

Hey everybody! spacemonkey here with a big steaming pile of whatever geeky crap he wants to post whenever he feels like it, for you.
-yup, thats me.

And it's all, for you.

/stuff to say before Carnival of Comedy reminder to prevent Carnival of Comedy reminder from just being a Carnival of Comedy reminder.

/overexplaining

Hey everybody! spacemonkey here saying 'Don't forget to get your Carnival of Comedy entry submitted! Lots of entries so far and counting. Don't miss it!'

The deadline for entries is tonight (1 minute before midnight ET). The Carnival of Comedy itself will be posted tomorrow. Let's call it noon to one-ish.

Funnymakers! If you entered the Carnival of Comedy don't forget to link it and spread the word.

Readers! Expect a lot of funny when you read the Carnival of Comedy.

Vonzell 03 - Wow, after her, show's over, is there a reason to watch after the first 3? Anyway, how cool is it that Pops was the karate teacher? Hmm, a Christina Aguilera song (one of the few great ones), I'm interested. Frank said, "Christina, isn't she the one who went all slutty?" to which I responded, "Yeah, unlike Britney." I'm so witty. Ok, Vonzell was good, but the whole first half of the song was boring and just like Christina. I used to listen to this song while tending my amazing tomato garden. I miss gardening. What was I saying? Oh yes. I'll still vote for her, because she is top 3 material.

Paula is back to her old self, dittoing exactly what Randy says while adding only a tinge of girliness.

Ryan says that Anthony will take on Celine Dion. Is that him publicly coming out? Just asking. Don't get me wrong, I love Celine, love to sing Celine. But a guy singing.... sad. BTW, they showed Clay Not Gay earlier (I truly believe he's straight, even if I'm the only one), and he totally looked like he never had an American Idol makeover. I love him anyway.

Anthony 04 - I must say, I'm totally awwwing over the bit with his parents and his dad crying and whatnot. Ok, turnaround for SarahK tonight. I've been bored with him for a long time, and tonight, I was mouthing the words to a song I don't particularly love. Maybe it was the pinstripes, maybe the flawless voice (once we got past the incredibly boring beginning, but hey, he didn't write it), but anyway, *sigh*.

Constantine 05 - The other day I was talking about AI at lunch with the preacher and his wife, and the preacher's wife asked if Constantine was a real name or completely made up. I told her I'm sure he's Greek, and whaddaya know, he's as Greek as Athena. Anyway, a Nickelback song from Constantine, I would have much better loved this if Bo had sung it. Let's face it, Con, you should leave these songs to Bo (please Bo, ask for Constantine's advice when picking your songs) and just sing Duran Duran and other such showy songs where vocals aren't so important.

How many times is Paula going to "having said that"? BTW, a total Fred Flinstone outfit on Ms. Abdul tonight.

Scott (number withheld) - Those parents sure are convincing about him being Mr. Sensitive considering his arrest record for domestic abuse or whatever. Anyway, what is he singing? Nondescript, boring, oh wait, I recognize that one line about dancing with a father. Ruben, nice to see ya again. Blah.

Simon's right, and Paula knows it.

My order, FWIW (and it's worth at least $1.05):
Carrie
Bo
Anthony
Vonzell
Constantine
Scott

the bottom 3 tomorrow night, though, will be Bo, Constantine, and Scott.

* The government of Saudi Arabia is comprised of a ruling council of 12 of the countries oldest and wisest camels.

* Saudi Arabia contains the Muslim Holy Cities of Mecca and Medina, which - roughly translated from Arabic - mean something like "Disney Land" and "Disney World", respectively.

* Saudi Arabia is bordered on the West by the Red Sea, which is called that because it's where commies go to die.

* When Ted Kennedy books a flight for Saudi Arabia, you'll know his time draws nigh.

* Men in Saudi Arabia wear a white cloth on their heads called a Ghutra. Although some claim to wear it for religious reasons, mostly it's because America has refused to share advanced baseball cap technology with the Saudis.

* There is very little water in Saudi Arabia, so if you see an Arab, shoot him, lest he steal your bottle of Aquafina.

* All muslims are expected to make a pilgrimmage to Mecca at some point in their lives, just as all Japanese must go to Disney Land.

* The main source of revenue in Saudi Arabia is selling bottles of stolen Aquafina to thirsty pilgrims.

* It is against the law for a Saudi man to mate with a camel. Unless his wife has a headache. Which is why Saudi men usually have enough wives to make sure that at least one of them has a headache at all times.

* The Saudis consider dogs to be despicable, unclean animals because they sniff each other's butts. Truth is, a dog's butt smells better than your average Saudi.

* Hey, you can only do so much bathing with one bottle of Aquafina.

* Saudi Arabia was originally populated by wandering tribes of nomadic, wise-cracking rabbits who should've taken a left at Albuquerque.

* A Saudi's weapon of choice is a huge, curved sword called a scimitar. Yeah, they're compensating for something.

* In a battle between Aquaman and Saudi Arabia, Aquaman would be eaten by a carnivorous sand dune, just like in Aladdin.

* Most terrorists come from Saudi Arabia, probably because sand gets in their underwear and makes them irritable.

* Arabs wear loose, flowing robes to help shield them from the desert heat and to hide the water-retaining humps on their backs.

* Arab culture is quite primitive by American standards. Some areas of Saudi Arabia don't even have the SpongeBob movie yet!

* If an Arab threatens you with his scimitar, just shoot him. They don't have "Raiders of the Lost Ark" yet, either.

* Arabs are a protected species, having been hunted nearly to extinction by Giant Sandworms and angry Jews.

* Saudi Arabia has lots of oil, but we can't steal it unless they're not watching us...

* Quick! Look behind you! An angry Jew!

* The easiest way to offend someone in Saudi Arabia is to say that their mother smells like goat. It's probably true, but they just don't like hearing it.

Speaking of propaganda…

There’s a new ad blitz dismissing the “hype” over American Obesity.

The ads are sponsored by the US Food and Restaurant industries. The ads are in papers, on the radio and they are even selling t-shirts! In all honesty, the t-shirts aren’t selling very well. Mostly because they only come in “small”.

Could THAT be a factor? I don't know.

Today, they introduced their newest spokesperson – Michael Moore.

In Ohio, a man is suing Arby’s restaurant chain because he found something unexpected in his salad. A piece of skin.Turns out the manager cut his finger while chopping salad. Although he cleaned up the mess – he didn’t toss out the lettuce.

It goes to show you how hard it is in this country to remain a vegetarian.

And how expensive lettuce really is.

Skin in the Salad. Fingertips in the chili? What’s happening to this country?

Maybe I’m just too old fashioned. Really.

I just believe its wrong to exchange body parts DURING dinner.

But that’s just me.

I’m thinking about suing McDonalds. I found something in my Big Mac I had never seen before – MEAT!

In Wisconsin, a man kept his mother’s frozen body in the freezer for several years after she died. This was discovered after a very tense standoff with police.

You really have to read the whole article. According to the story, “he didn't tell anyone because he was afraid police would blame him, according to documents filed in court Monday.

He said his mother years before was attacked by a cat and her blood was on the walls in the house they shared, and he feared police would think he killed her…”

Here’s where I don’t even have to make stuff up.

“He surrendered early Saturday without incident. Investigators found 15 to 20 homemade explosive devices, packed with nails, heavy staples and other metal items, a sawed-off shotgun along with 15 other firearms.”

This is depressing. Not only that he stuffed his dead mother in a freezer – but that real life can be so much funnier than anything I could ever make up.

Criminals get caught when they make stupid mistakes.

Neighbors suspected something was wrong when he kept offering his houseguests “momsicles”

Okay. Enough bad stuff.

Funny stuff.

Who says the department of Homeland Security is good for nothing? Besides everyone.

Just the other day they busted a guy at the Mexican border with over 800 pounds of bologna that he was trying to smuggle in. Illegally.
He had it stuffed in his suitcases.
What made authorities suspicious? His passport had a first name – it was O-S-C-A-R. His passport had a second name it’s M-A-Y-E-R.

I'm also grateful for the fact that someone at Homeland Security realized that suitcases normally don’t weigh 800 pounds.

Unless they have airholes.

What the heck was he going to do with ilegal baloney? Is this how bad the ghetto has gotten?

"Psst. Kid. You buyin'? Whatchu want? Crack? Meth? Baloney?"

Speaking of giving kids the baloney, the Michael Jackson trial took a fun turn today. MJ had one of his lawyers fired. Oxman was the guy who they called the "sleeping lawyer", right? The guy who was sleeping during sessions.

There was a confrontation in the parking lot in full view of the press. Turns out that he had gotten fired before, but he kept coming back to the court house. When asked about being let go he answered, "I suspected I had been fired before - but I simply thought I had been dreaming."

Late last week, one of Michael's security guys testified that he brough him a jar of vaseline in the middle of the night. He testified that Michael had a young boy in his room. This doesn't look good for Michael - mostly because that's the man's job title" "Vaseline man."

Times have been tough for Michael financially. He only has the Umbrella Guy remaining. Four months ago he had to lay off The Watch.

Which explains why he sometimes arrives late.

Oh, and I’d like to end with a bit of good news.

The American military has cleared the soldiers accused of killing that Italian intelligence agent. As you know, the troops fired on an approaching vehicle carrying a rescued hostage – a reporter for a communist newspaper.

Italy may still not be satisfied with the results of the investigation. Our troops visited the Italian envoy to Iraq to deliver the report outlining the results.

In a bit of bad news – our troops accidentally shot him.

**

That's all for today.

On rare, super-angry occasions, will stare someone down with his hands on his hips.

2. Volunteer at a local social services organization.
I gave some potato chips to a squirrel, which I believe qualifies as "feeding the homeless"

3. Attend services at a variety of churches, synagogues, mosques and temples to learn about different faiths.
I went to a bar that didn't serve Guinness, which is the alcoholic version of this activity.

4. Visit a local senior citizens center and collect oral histories. Donate large-print reading materials and books on tape. Offer to help with a craft project.
"Collect oral histories" sounds like a euphemism for something dirty, so I skipped that (married, ya know). Craftwise, I once knocked over a little kid's sand castle. Figured the emotional trauma might deepen his artistic well.

5.Shop at ethnic grocery stores and specialty markets. Get to know the owners. Ask about their family histories.
That one didn't work so well. The response was "You're gettin' kinda nosy. I'll bet you're wearin' a wire", whereupon I got the crap kicked out of me. Sheesh. Italians.

6. Participate in a diversity program.
If by "participate" you mean "sleep through", then yes.

7. Ask a person of another cultural heritage to teach you how to perform a traditional dance or cook a traditional meal.
An Australian woman once gave me a yummy cheesecake recipe, which I assume is a traditional Australian dish.

8. Learn sign language.
Hell, you're lookin' at the master. I know how to tell somebody "I can certainly understand how, given your background and education, you could hold that particular opinion, but I must respectfully disagree with your conclusion, as I believe you may have fallen prey to a common logical fallacy in this specific instance" with one finger.

9. Take a conversation course in another language that is spoken in your community.
After 5 years of marriage, I'm practically fluent in "female", although I keep the dictionary handy, just in case.

10. Teach an adult to read.
Oh, all the time. Hardly a day goes by that I don't have to teach someone that the words "Bank Hours: 9am to 5pm" means that the front door will be still be locked at 8:30am regardless of how much you tug on the door handle or stare at your watch.

11. Speak up when you hear slurs. Let people know that bias speech is always unacceptable.
I would like to take this opportunity to point out that the word "slur" as used in this sentence is negatively biased toward musical notes which are played "legato".

12. Imagine what your life might be like if you were a person of another race, gender or sexual orientation. How might "today" have been different?
Let's see... imagine I'm a lesbian... so I'd go to bed with my wife and start... um... Hmmm... no difference, really. And Beloved Wife wouldn't notice anything, since she's usually blindfolded anyway.

13. Take the How Tolerant are You? A Test of Hidden Bias. Enlist some friends to take this "hidden bias" test with you and discuss the results.
The results show that white people such as myself are oppressing me... Damn me! Damn me all to hell!

14. Take a Civil Rights history vacation. Tour key sites and museums.
Well, I went to the Spam Museum, which is related to the First Amendment right of "Freedom of Meat"... Ok, I didn't actually STOP there, but I do have the brochure.

15. Research your family history. Share information about your heritage in talks with others.
Sweden is cold and Socialist. Grandpa left Sweden and came to Wisconsin. Which is also cold and Socialist, but they don't make you draw a line through the letter "o" here, so you save a lot of money on ink.

16. List all the stereotypes you can - positive and negative - about a particular group. Are these stereotypes reflected in your actions?
I'm sorry, please rephrase the question in the form of something not stupid.

17. Think about how you appear to others. List personality traits that are compatible with tolerance (e.g., compassion, curiosity, openness). List those that seem incompatible with tolerance (e.g., jealousy, bossiness, perfectionism).
I read this website without immediately putting the contact e-mail onto a Vi@gr@-spam mailing list. That's pretty tolerant. On the other hand, I'll probably get around to it after I post this entry.

18. Create a "diversity profile" of your friends, co-workers and acquaintances. Set the goal of expanding it by next year.
All you white people, stop linking IMAO. You're killing our quotas.

19. Sign the Declaration of Tolerance and return it to:
The National Campaign for Tolerance
400 Washington Avenue
Montgomery, AL 36104
Washington? He owned slaves! RACIST!

20. Read a book or watch a movie about another culture.
Is porn a culture?

Anyway, go check out the site. Perhaps you, too, will discover that you're more diverserrific and tolerantastic than you thought.

Aluminum bats will allowed, as long as they're made from recycled aluminum cans previously collected by murdered hobos.

Umpires replaced by lawyers. Disputed calls will be argued before the organ player, with the winner indicated by the playing of "Baby Elephant Walk".

If a hitter is struck with a pitch, he will be allowed to take his base and beat the pitcher with it.

Bunting will be restricted to red, white, and/or blue.

Outfielders will be allowed to use skeet guns, but only on fly balls. For grounders, they must use a niblick.

To prevent player injury, beer will only be sold in plastic bottles, and all grenades must be non-fragmentary.

All hot dogs served in Major League ballparks must contain 100% AKC-registered ingredients.

No smoking will be allowed in any ballpark. Exceptions for spontaneous human combustion will be made on a case-by-case basis.

Players will no longer be allowed to spit tobacco juice. Exceptions for spitting on Jane Fonda will be made on a case-by-case basis.

Standing during the National Anthem will NOT be mandatory, but punching those who remain seated WILL be.

Any player caught using a 6-fingered glove will be referred to Baseball's Minister of Revenge for punishment. "Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You caught my line drive. Prepare to die.

Home plate will be shaped like a dodecahedron to celebrate Frank J's ascension to Overlordhood.

Instead of the home team automatically batting second during an inning, the visiting team will now have the option to Roshambo for it. (WARNING: Link contains nuts)

Players will no longer be allowed to yell, "Hey! Look behind you!" before attempting to steal a base.

If the game is tied after 9 innings of regulation play, the team's coaches may choose to decide the game with a battle of wits involving two glasses of wine and a vial of Iocaine powder.

Rule not applicable if one of the coaches is Sicilian.

Any Cubs fan who interferes with a ball in play will no longer be allowed to use the phrase "Just wait 'til next year!".

Remember, folks - ego-salving loser-whines are a privilege, not a right.

!!!!! I WARNED YOU !!!!!

Carnival of Comedy submissions are just a rolling on in. Rolling like a thing what rolls a lot.

Not sure if the correct descriptive term for the number of entries is a boatload or a truckload or trainload. Definitely not a bikeload, it would so totally crush a bike flat. But it is definitely a load of some sort.

Some real funny stuff there too. Keep 'em coming though! We want this carnival to have a carnival participation for the record books. If such a book was kept.

Good job so far. Its gonna be great!

Update: Sorry, forgot to link it.

AQUAMAN!!!

I heard he was having a meeting on a yacht (YES!!) with my evil, Republican arch-nemesis Black Manta. The yacht had been given to DeLay by a lobbyist, and I just knew the meeting was about how to get even more money by abusing his position.

Too bad an aquatic superhero was on to his schemes!

I decided to take them by the element of surprise. First, I needed two leashes that would fit sturgeons. Luckily, I had tons of those. So I tackled two sturgeons and got the leashes on them. Then I put a foot on each sturgeon and commanded them to swim as fast as they could towards the yacht. Just as we were about to the yacht, I told them to, "Leap! Leap, ye sturgeons! Leap!"

It worked! I was sailing in the air right over the yacht. They were going to be so surprised... if it weren't for some metal jutting out into my path. Or, at least I think that's what hit me. Next thing I knew, I was waking up in a hospital. Luckily, a Coast Guard helicopter spotted me lying unconscious in the water since I wear a bright orange shirt (actually, that's not luck; I learned that bright orange was a good idea early on in my career on account of the number of times I ended up unconscious, floating in the water).

You won this time, DeLay and Black Mantis, but I'll get you soon!

This is Aquaman, signing off.

BIDEN: Never mind; go on.

BAUER: As I was in the middle of questioning the suspect, John Bolton approached me and spoke to me in a very angry manner.

BOXER: Did he raise his voice at you?

BAUER: No, but it was obvious he was angry from... well... his mannerisms.

BIDEN: Such as...

BAUER: Well... he had his hands on his hips. He looked angry.

BIDEN: And what happened next?

BAUER: I just couldn't take it. I was so distraught that I went home and took the rest of the day off, leaving my suspect handcuffed to a radiator.

BOXER: Talking to subordinates in such a way! This is unbelievable! How can we release this loose cannon on the U.N.?

BIDEN: Let's have our next witness. Could you please state your name and occupation, miss.

AGENT SYDNEY BRISTOW: My name is Sydney Bristow. I used to work for SD6, a terrorist organization that I was fooled into believing was part of the CIA. Then I actually worked for the CIA and helped bring down SD6 from the inside. I continued as an agent for the CIA until I woke up in Hong Kong and couldn't remember the past two years. Then...

BIDEN: Excuse me, but we don't need your life story. Suffice to say you are an intelligence agent, and you had encountered John Bolton before.

BRISTOW: Yes, on one occasion. During my career, I have been shot, beaten, betrayed by my own mother, but nothing compares (sobbing) to John Bolton. (continues sobbing)

BOXER: Take your time, but please tell us the story.

BRISTOW: I was tasked to retrieve an artifact in Burma. Things went wrong, though, and the mission was a failure. I retreated to my hotel where I ran into John Bolton in the hallway. He demanded answers from me, and I was not in the mood so I started to walk away. That's when he (sobbing) …when he chased me and... and... threw things at me.

BOXER: Outrageous!

BIDEN: What did he throw?

BRISTOW: I... I... don't quite remember it all. A plastic file folder hit in me in the face... that I'm sure of.

BIDEN: Were you injured?

BRISTOW: I was startled. (sobbing) I can't talk about this anymore...

BOXER: We understand.

BRISTOW: Let's call the next witness. What is your name, sir?

MI6 AGENT JAMES BOND: Bond... James Bond. Agent 007... license to kill. I work for MI6 in London.

BIDEN: And you have often shared intelligence with America?

BOND: Yes, I have many times worked with the Americans.

BIDEN: And one of those times involved John Bolton?

BOND: Correct. I'll never forget that 'stache. We were meeting in a bar to talk about an incident that both our governments were working on, and he offered to get drinks. I asked for a martini... shaken, not stirred. He soon returned with the drinks. Once I took a sip of the martini, it was apparent that it was prepared by... stirring.

BOXER: Unbelievable!

BOND: Now, usually a bartender will prepare a martini by shaking even if you don't ask, so he most likely asked for it to be stirred just to slight me!

BIDEN: If Bolton treats foreign agents in such a manner, how can we expect him to work with the U.N.? So, Mr. Bond, what was the direct result of this? ...Bond? ...Bond? ...Mr. Bond, could you please stop trying to seduce Agent Bristow for a moment and finish describing the incident?

BOND: Oh, yes, certainly. Needless to say, I was unable to finish my drink. My feelings were so hurt by what he had done that I ran to my hotel room, curled up in a fetal position on my bed, and sobbed uncontrollably. Afterwards, I cheered myself up by making love to three beautiful women.

BOXER: Understandable.

BIDEN: Mr. Bolton, do you have a response to any of the atrocities these intelligence agents have detailed?

JOHN BOLTON: @#$% you all and @#$% the U.N. So when do I start?

It is how the "quality that makes something laughable or amusing" is represented through "the forming of words with letters in an accepted order" in the United Kingdom.

Pope Benedict XVI is coming under scrutiny for having been part of the Hitler Youth. What's worse - today it was discovered that for a brief period of time - he was also an Episcopalian!!

Nobody talks about the good part about his youth. Did you know that he once had a band called Ratzi and the Cool Cats? No, of course you didn't! I just made that up!! But he does play the piano.

Some are saying he took the name Benedict to fulfill an ancient prophecy. Sometimes people make things so complicated. He chose the name based on his favorite morning food. He almost chose the name Pope Sunny Side Up.

HAHAHAHAHAHa.

Ahem. Moving on.

In South Korea, elephants made an escape from their holding pens and ran wild through the city of Seoul.

Sadly, one elephant ran into ALLEY and hit a 52 year old woman. More sadness-she didn't want people to know how old she was.

The woman was okay. But it goes to show you that you never know what you'll find in an alley. Take that as a lesson kids!!

You know why it took them so long to catch these elephants? They went into a restaurant yet nobody called the police. It goes to show you what happens when people pretend there's no elephant in the room.

Customer #1: Can you pass me the salt?

Customer #2. I would, but something that's not here just put it in it's trunk.

Customer #1:Should we give it a peanut?

Customer #2: Give what a peanut?

Customer #1: I agree!

Jane Fonda was in Kansas City for a book signing when one of the people who waited in line walked up to her and spit tobacco juice in her face. The man, a disabled Vietnam veteran, was arrested.

Folks, this is so not cool. Spitting tobacco is gross. If you disagree with someone, do the civilized thing. Smack them with a pie.

The vet actually made out pretty good. Jane declined to press charges. He was also offered a ride home, a round of drinks from the VWF, and an endorsement deal from Copenhagen.

Jane of course has apologized for visiting North Vietnam and taking pictures at an anti-aircraft battery. That was a long time ago, and in all fairness, she really was a lousy shot.

Oh, airline stuff!!

US Airways had an internet screw-up and ended up selling round trip tickets for just $1.86.

You know what's really sad about buying a ticket for $1.86? You just know that the guy sitting next to you got a better deal!

"A dollar eighty six? Pssht. You got robbed. Ninety Eight Cents buddy AND a free upgrade to business class!"

It's weird when you get that low a price – everything afterwards seems so expensive.

"FOUR dollars for a drink? That's TWICE what I paid for my ticket."

Scientists are reporting that an iceberg recently collided with a glacier

There were no witnesses to this as it was all seen from satellite photos.

Tragically, sadly – the iceberg did not have enough lifeboats! Oh the humanity.

You know what else the satellite photos captured? Icebergs gone wild!! Wow, is there no limit to today’s technology?

In Chicago, a stain has appeared on the wall of an underpass. Visitors say it has the shape of the Virgin Mary. Catholics have laid roses and candles at the site and have prayed non stop.

You know, sometimes I think, "How stupid of people to gather around to see a stain…" but then I see people in Kansas City lining up to buy Jane Fonda's book…

In all honesty, for the longest time I would see an image of Mickey Mouse on the side of my toast each morning. It bothered me so much that my wife ditched the Mickey Mouse toaster and bought Hello Kitty.

That wasn't too much better.

Sometimes. Late at night.

I can hear her little Hello Kitty voice talking to me, saying…

"Kill the dog."

**

Enjoy your day!

ABC: Secretary Rumsfeld, I think you're lying about being in Afghanistan. I was there and I didn't see you. What were you REALLY doing last week?

Rumsfeld: Your wife. But after I paid her the quarter, I went to Afghanistan to do a grip & grin with the troops, and I can prove it... [holds up severed terrorist head]... [inhales deeply]... I love that smell... smells like victory, don't it boys?

NBC: Or a little like Wendy's chili... but what about reports of troops not having enough body armor? Doesn't this prove that war is wrong and that America is evil?

Rumsfeld: Well, if by "is evil" you mean "has too many skinflint, ass-weasel Democrats in office who won't pony up necessary funds for the troops", then yes. Good question. I like you. I'll kill you last.

NBC: And a follow-up question: what about reports of troops not having enough body armor?

Rumsfeld: That's the same question... You didn't even change the words around... which means that technically, it's not a follow-up, and I don't have to kill you last anymore, either. [throws knife at reporter which buries itself up to the hilt between his eyes]

NBC: But what about what about reports of troops not having enough body armor?

Rumsfeld: Didn't I just kill you?

NBC: I'm a reporter. You threw a knife into my brain. It's not like you damaged any vital organs.

Rumsfeld: You don't die easily. I like that. I'll kill you last. And I'll even answer your question. We're working on the body armor problem. Even as we speak, all your cars are being confiscated and chopped into 6-inch squares.

NBC: But body armor is made of ceramic plates, not steel.

Rumsfeld: I'm sorry, what made you think my last two sentences were connected? Next question...

CBS: Besides body armor, what else are you doing to protect the troops from the patriots opposing Bush's illegal war for oil?

Rumsfeld: Just to clarify a point, the illegal war for oil is in Iraq. The only natural resource in Afghanistan is building-rubble, but we're working to illegally steal that, too. Meanwhile, I've been instructing the troops in new close-quarter combat techniques. For example, say the enemy is approaching you with some sort of disguised weapon... say, in the shape of a piece of fresh fruit... You! Come at me with that banana!

REUTERS: Huh? OHHHH no! I've seen Monty Python.

Rumsfeld: I fail to see what "Let's Make a Deal" has to do with anything. Just come at me.

REUTERS: You'll shoot me!

Rumsfeld: I promise not to shoot you.

REUTERS: Well... ok... [waves banana feebly at Rumsfeld]

Rumsfeld: Come AT me, man! Show a little testicular fortitude!

REUTERS: Uh... Grrrr!... uh... Fear my banana of death!

Rumsfeld: ...at which point I defend myself by tearing his leg off...

REUTERS: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!

Rumsfeld: ...and clubbing him to a bloody pulp with it. The advantages to this method are that even if some mainstream media weenie tries to squeal on you, surveys show that the general population no longer believes media reports of clubbing deaths. Next question.

MSNBC: You said "advantages"... what's the other advantage?

Rumsfeld: Free bananas... [biting into blood-spattered fruit]... Neft quefthun...

CNN: Recently there have been numerous reports of Al Jazeera reporters being strangled by someone calling himself the "Don Al Drumsfeld Strangler". Is he working for US Special Forces or is he a local muslim vigilante?

Rumsfeld: Yes, I strangled them.

CNN: Why are you avoiding the question?

Rumsfeld: I will now avoid the question by strangling you because you're stupid [nonchalantly strangles reporter]...

Rumsfeld: Anyway, back to close combat - here's another trick... if you're surrounded by the enemy, you can always throw an explosive object in their midst to kill them all... like - for example - this podium...

[hurls podium into crowd of reporters, causing them to scatter like minnows]

Rumsfeld: Now as you can see, the podium didn't explode because - as anyone who's smart enough to get into any college courses besides journalism knows - podiums aren't explosive. However, since our enemy is - just like you reporters here today - incredibly stupid, they will run away from the podium and trip the claymore mines set up around the perimeter of the room.

[series of explosions from the perimeter of the room]

Rumsfeld: Any more questions?

NBC: You... you killed EVERYBODY!

Rumsfeld: That is NOT true!... [unholsters .44 magnum] *BLAM!*... now I've killed everybody... and I told you I'd kill you last.

Rumsfeld: And that concludes this press conference... Hey, McClellan! Clean up on aisle 3! Grab the wet-vac & get to work, tubby!

The box office. That movie would be totally sweet!

Papal Candidate: Barbra Streisand

Central Message: People who need people

Celebrates Mass by: Performing at concerts with overpriced tickets.

Pro: Her pro-abortion pro choice platform. Her high standing in the homosexual community. Her ability to look wonderful with appropriate lighting.

Con: Insists that God perform as her opening act. Also, female but you can hardly tell. Some say she’s Jewish, but so was Jesus.

Verdict: Good potential. Could be the first Pope to go Double Platinum.

Papal Candidate:John Kerry

Central Message: I served in Vietnam

Celebrates Mass by: Reminding people that there is a God but that he probably never served in Vietnam.

Pro: Although technically married, as pope, he could always get an annulment and wipe his record clean -like he did with his war record. Pro-choice. Birth control poster child.

Con: Pope Kerry could be the first pope in church history to reverse every single policy in Church history. And then change back again. Also must factor in Swift Boat Catholics for Truth.

Verdict: Help is not on the way.

Papal Candidate: Jesse Jackson

Central Message: Are the cameras on?

Celebrates Mass by: Reading the book of John and rhyming every verse. “In the beginning was the Word, have you heard? Tell a bird.”

Pro: May actually - at one point in his life -have read the Holy Bible. Would bring affirmative action to the Papacy.

Con: The church could afford to support him and his wife. However, there would be the additional burden of supporting his mistress.

Verdict: Good potential. Consider.

Papal Candidate: Bill Clinton

Central Message: How YOU doin’?

Celebrates Mass by: Holding a Passover BBQ Pool Party and chasing interns.

Pro: Loved by liberals everywhere. Pro Choice. Pro Birth Control. Already used to adoring throngs everywhere he goes. Sorority outreach programs.

Con: Neither Bill nor Hillary appear to be Catholic. Also, the Clintons’ deal with Satan might be a conflict of interest.

Verdict: We’d have the first Papal Declaration with a centerfold. We feel his love.

Papal Candidate: Satan

Central Message: Do what you want. Who’s gonna know?

Celebrates Mass by: selling “I had an abortion” t-shirts.

Pro: As a fallen angel, he knows all that religious stuff. He's Pro Choice. He's cool with the gay thing. Heck, if it feels good – just do it.

Con: Deal with Hillary might be a conflict of interest. Tends to hold conventions in very sordid places like Purgatory, Hell and Las Vegas.

Verdict: WINNER!! Hey, what’s not to love?

**

So there you have it. After having run through all the potential candidates – we finally have one that the Left would truly love and respect.

Remember this when you hear them whine about having a Pope that’s too religious. Hey, Benedict XVI won’t live forever.

Let the campaigning begin!

Constantine 01 - "Nights on Broadway" by the BeeGees. I love the BeeGees (shut up). Is the sound bad again tonight, or is it just Constantine? And if it's the sound, isn't this the fifth or sixth time, and shouldn't that guy have been fired by now? I thought Constantine was good but not fantastic, but Simon was more harsh than I would have been.

Note to AI judges: Y'all have the absolute suckiest vocabularies in the history of man. If all Randy can come up with is "Oh My ---" and all Paula can come up with is to repeat "Oh My ---", please, someone, get them a dictionary, a thesaurus, something not so blasphemous.

Carrie 02 -- "Macarthur Park" by Donna Summer. Color me cringing, the hair is back. The dress is horribly pink and sparkly, and the tomboy in me wants to run screaming from the rose parade. Anyway, she sounded awesome, though the beginning was a tinge rough.

Scott 03 -- "Everlasting Love" -- Nondescript, boring, I can't wait for him to go.

Paula needs to be smacked on the back of the head, and I'd love for Simon to be the one to do it. Does she even know how to criticize? Or stand up straight? Or not appear high?

Anthony 04 -- "Don't Take Away the Music" -- He's wearing brown, but he's doing that squat dancy step thingy. Oh, oh, oh, we have to keep him around another week to see him do that moonwalk/cabbage patch wonky combo. I liked the vocal.

SIMON: ... and a bit insipid.
PAULA: Whatever.
TRANSLATION: I don't know what incipid means.

Vonzell 05 -- "I'm Every Woman" -- Her shirt looks like a paint by number that got away from little Johnny. But wow, she did a splendid job.

Anwar 06 -- "September" -- Anwar won't need to go shopping, because '70s seems to be his standard wardrobe, yay for cost savings. The backup singers are overpowering Anwar, shame on them. That was okay, but nothing outstanding.

Bo 07 -- "Vehicle" -- Well he is back with the energy and rockin' the house like he should be... if only I wasn't recoiling from all that taking of the Lord's name in vain. Bad song, great performance.

My order tonight:
Bo
Carrie
Vonzell
Constantine
Anthony
Anwar
Scott

Pope Benedict XV

...the scientific name for a gorilla is gorilla gorilla.

...the gorilla was named by Boutros Boutros-Ghali.

...laser is actually an acronym for Light Amplification by Stimulated Emission of Radiation.

...you can stimulate emission of radiation using magnetic fields or through sinful behavior.

...cigarettes are the leading cause of lung cancer.

...and coolness.

...the first statement by a chimp in space was, "EEE!!!"

...that was actually an errant version of the line planned by NASA of, "OOH!!! OOH!!!"

...while hyenas sound like they're laughing, they're really crying on the inside.

...the blue whale is the largest animal on land or sea.

...if limited to land, the largest animal is Michael Moore.

...you'd think you'd get tired of Michael Moore fat jokes, but you don't.

...Michael Moore is smelly and unshaven too, but I didn't have a joke for that.

…at this moment.

...ninjas can tell the time of day from a cat's eyes.

...ninjas can tell wind speed by kicking a cat into the air.

...you can tell a ninja's mood by how high you see cats flying.

...they call those who select the pope the "papal conclave" even though they're selecting a pope, not a pape.

...it takes a new pope a couple of weeks to get used to wearing the hat.

...John Paul I never did get used to it.

...the war in Iraq is all part of a Zionist conspiracy.

...the Zionist conspiracy was started by Moses. What Moses left out of the Bible was how the burning bush said how much he wanted to steal Iraq's oil.

...the meek shall inherit the earth.

...I don't when the strong will be done with it, though. Probably after all the oil is used up.

...there is no spoon.

...there are chopsticks.

...every so often in earth's history, the poles reverse.

...so, if you see the Polish walking backwards one day, don't get all freaked out.

...the reason there are ice caps at the poles on earth is because it's cold there.

...the reason there are ice caps at the poles on Mars is unknown.

...the unit representing the flammability of a monkey is called the Fleming.

...the average gorilla gorilla has a flammability of 3.67 Flemings.

...that's a gorilla, in case you forgot.

...if it bleeds, you can kill it.

...if it moves, you can use the interstate commerce clause to tax and regulate it.

...you will die.

...unless you're raptured.

...if I do get raptured, I hope when I ask others what dying was like, they don't just say, "It's just something you have to experience for yourself."

...at the buffet in Heaven, there are at least three types of gravy.

...technically, these should all have a question mark after them.

...a lot of these don't even make since if you say, "Did you know..." before them.

...like this one.

...the NY Times once published an editorial ridiculing the idea that a rocket could work in space.

...they were still much more accurate back then.

...technically, a honeybee shouldn't be able to fly.

...I have as much spite for physics as honeybees.

...I still can't fly, though.

...I mean, not with a comfortable amount of leg room.

...if apes could vote, some polling booths may be located in trees which would be inconvenient for the rest of us.

...a samurai would kill a peasant just for walking in his shadow.

...a samurai would also kill a peasant if the peasant ran up and punched him in the nads.

...the samurai would probably bounce on his heels a few times first.

...politics have just been so boring lately.

...if the White House has first nominated a rabid wolverine as ambassador to the U.N., then Bolton would seem like a moderate in comparison and sail through the process.

...no one listens to me.

President Bush threw out the first pitch for Washington's new baseball team, the Nationals.

He didn't one hop it, but it was a decent throw. Afterwards John Kerry railed on Bush saying, “I could have done much better. He didn’t have a plan!”

The stadium is nice. They have some interesting seating options: Field Level, Plaza, and Protest sections.

Of course, like any protest seating, you want to make sure you sit in a good place. I recommend Bush Lied or if not, try Bush is Hitler. It’s really far to the left, but you’re close to the hot dogs.

The D.C. reporters don't have any experience covering baseball, so they're recycling quotes that they’ve used for President Bush. So the local papers have color commentary such as,

The manager didn't have a plan for winning the game. He should have consulted with his allies.

His mismanagement has led to a decline in his poll numbers.

And

He stole the manager’s position! The real manager should be Al Gore!!

Hahahaha. Al Gore.

Or as they say in West Virginia… AL GORE!!

Did you hear about this? English is now the official language of West Virginia.

This is a great way for organizations to save money. Now Senator Byrd can send out Klan brochures in only one language.

Hee hee. Just kidding. If Byrd wants to send a message, he doesn't need words. He can simply burn a cross on your lawn.

The race for mayor is getting hot here in Los Angeles. Incumbent Mayor Hahn and challenger Antonio Villaraigosa held a debate. Hahn claimed that criminal violence in Los Angeles is down 27% from last year. And that’s just the police.

Villaraigosa is leading in the polls BIG TIME.

Normally in LA, when you see a Latino running that far ahead of a white guy, the police tackle him and beat him with flashlights.

You guys might not know about this. The LAPD is now switching over to a lighter, smaller flashlight after several documented cases where officers used them to bash people!

Don’t get me wrong. They’ll still beat you – but now they have to put more shoulder into it.

Interesting, the flashlights have little slogans on them saying, "Vote for Mayor Hahn."

Elections are so much fun.

They are still working on getting a Pope elected.

The NY Times reports that Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger is the leading candidates.

That is too cool. I loved him on "Cheers."

Ratzinger, eh? Well, far be it for the NYT to be off base when it comes to religious issues.

The Vatican took a lot of precautions in ensuring that no spying took place.

Italian security swept the area and all was clean. So now nobody from the outside world can hear the Cardinals when they look outside their windows and ask, "What's that van doing in the driveway? Is that a diaper service truck?”

So here’s the process on voting for pope. Several times a day, they’ll cast ballots. When somebody gets 2/3rds of the vote, he becomes pope. If this goes on for 12 days, and nobody’s been chosen, then they’ll go to a simple majority vote.

Or as Harry Reid would call it – “The Nuclear Option.”

They’ll signal to the world that the new pope has been chosen by sending out white smoke through the chimney. Hopefully, there won’t be any false alarms like last time when the two Cardinals from Australia were standing at the fireplace, roasting marshmallows.

False alarms always send people into a panic.

U.S. Officials were worried about China and the huge increase of military equipment production. THankfully, upon closer inspection, authorities realized they were NOT products for the Chinese Army – they were for ours.

China recently sponsored the Pig Olympics. In it, pigs compete in events such as running, swimming, and diving. They got the idea from watching the Arkansas pig Olympics. The Chinese event was basically the same. I guess the big difference is that China probably didn’t have a sex scandal.

Or a bathing suit competition.

Or a Clinton apology.

**

That's it.

I can't hear you laugh. So post in comments and let me know what got a giggle out of you.

Do you have an interesting news bit? Email it to me at rightwingduckatyahoodotcom.

Thanks for visiting.

original photo: http://dailynews.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story2&u=/050418/photos_pl/mdf935352&e=9&ncid=1617

They tend to be odd numbers.

* The pope should be as much like Jesus as possible. That means picking someone who is Jewish.

* Make sure whomever you select isn't actually a bear in disguise because then he may maul someone and be an embarrassment for the Catholic Church.

* Usually you want to select one of the cardinals to be pope, but, if things are taking too long, just open a window and shout, "Hey, kid; you wanna be the pope?"

* Though usually this is restricted to nuns, it would be cool if the new pope could fly. Then he could dive bomb heathens.

* The pope should probably know the scripture... or at least scanned the parts highlighted in red.

* The pope should be well versed in ninjitsu in case Satan's minions attack in the form of ninjas. The pope staff could be a great weapon in the right hands.

* You may think you found the right person to be pope, but try to imagine him in a big pointy hat and make sure it’s flattering before finalizing your vote.

* Whoever is chosen should be well-versed in pop-culture so he can condemn it more vigorously.

* While who can juggle the most vials of holy water at the same time shouldn't be the sole criteria for selecting the pope, it should be considered.

* Remember that it's now the norm for the pope to do lots of travel, so make sure who you pick is signed up for frequent flyer miles.

* While it's tempting to vote for a cardinal who has a cool, tricked-out car, remember that the pope gets the pope-mobile anyway. Then again, if that cardinal was elected pope, I guess he wouldn't need his cool, tricked-out car anymore…

* Make sure who you select will continue the conservative norms of the church. Don't elect Skeeter pope despite all his crazy-cool ideas.

* Let's say the minions of hell attack the Vatican in masse. Can you imagine who you are voting for leading the charge against them with holy shotgun in hand?

* Make sure to make some progress on voting each day and not just spend the entire time locked up playing X-Box.

* In the end, selection of the pope is just a popularity contest. Make sure to vote for the same guy everyone else is so the other cardinals will think you are cool.

* If needed, pray to God for a sign to help in selecting the pope. Make sure to ask for a definitive sign like an angel appearing - not just lightning or a dove. It's pope selecting time, God, so let's not be lazy on the miracles.

* If all else fails in selecting a new pope, there is always the ancient tradition of the disco dance competition.

Now get pope picking!

* The Pope will release a new version of the Bible to reflect more modern language usage. For example "thee" and "thou" will be replaced by "youse" and "y'all".

* Holy water will be clearly labeled "Atkins-friendly: 0 Net Carbs!"

* Also look for new "Holy Water with Lime". Perfect for Holy Margaritas

* All exorcisms will include a free "God roolz, Satan droolz" T-shirt.

* To increase its popularity, instead of Lent being a season of sacrifice where you have to give up your favorite activity, the faithful will be encouraged to instead acquire a new bad habit. YAY! Fornication!

* Catholic Bishops will be replaced by more valuable Catholic Rooks.

* Mass will no longer only be said in Latin, but will include other dead languages like Aramaic and Canadian.

* Catholic priests still won't be allowed to marry. However, they will be allowed to be incessantly nagged by nuns, which is pretty much the same thing.

* Sacramental wine will be replaced with Red Bull.

* Rosaries will now be made from yellow plastic and say "Pray Strong".

* To appease the Irish Catholics, baptisms will now be performed using Guinness Beer instead of Holy Water.

* The Kennedy family will still be allowed to use Holy Gin, though.

* Jane Fonda will be declared "official urinal target" of the Vatican.

* Curb-feelers & fuzzy dice for the Popemobile.

* Doritos Cool Ranch Eucharist.

* All confession of sins must now be sung to the tune of "Ave Maria".

* Or possibly "She Bangs".

* Cat-blogging will be declared a mortal sin.

* HA! Let's see Frank J. "Hail Mary" his way out of that one!

Frank - not married, not sleeping with his fiancé, beats something else regularly.

Harvey - has a full beard

Frank - has two chin whiskers and arranges them in a bad comb-over - fools no one.

Harvey - spent six years in the Navy, travelling around the world and developing a love of short, brown-skinned hookers.

Frank - spent six years caged in a circus sideshow, travelling around Florida and developing an obsessive hatred of monkeys.

Harvey - works as a bank teller. Sleeps in money pajamas.

Frank - works as an engineer. Sleeps with a stuffed Dilbert doll.

Harvey - owns four cats and can't keep them from peeing on the bathmat.

Frank - owns two cats and can't keep from peeing on their heads.

Harvey - Atheist, believes God is dead.

Frank - Catholic, believes Pope is dead.

Harvey - Once voted for the Libertarian Party

Frank - Once met a librarian at a party. Or possibly a Liberian. He was really drunk at the time, so he's not sure what she said.

Harvey - Lives in Wisconsin, but left his heart in San Francisco.

Frank - Lives in Florida, but left a hippy for dead in San Francisco.

Harvey - Once tried to become a lawyer.

Frank - Once tried to bludgeon a lawyer. Or possibly a lemur. Again - really drunk at the time.

Harvey - Has a 130-pound dog that thinks he's a horse.

Frank - Has a 130-pound fiancé that thinks she's a cow.

Harvey - Can't get a concealed carry permit for his Glock, because he lives in a state run by stupid liberals.

Frank - Has a concealed carry permit and lives in a state where it's legal to shoot stupid liberals (in season, limit three per person).

Harvey - Wishes he were as funny as Frank.

Frank - Wishes he were as funny as Scrappleface.

Harvey - Drove pizza delivery in the ghetto to earn money for college. Frequently mugged by crack addicts.

Frank - Delivered crack in the ghetto to earn money for college. Frequently mugged pizza delivery drivers.

Harvey - Once told his wife "that dress makes you look fat." He apologized, but still spent a week sleeping on the couch.

Frank - Once told his fiancé "that dress makes you look fat." Spent a week apologizing to the couch

Really, REALLY drunk.

"Hmmm..." pondered President Bush, trying to decide between performing his presidential duties and playing Xbox.

"Heh." chuckled Condoleezza Rice, knowing that Bush would choose the Xbox, leaving her plans for world domination unimpeded.

"Indeed." observed Donald Rumsfeld, not giving a crap what Bush or Rice did, as long as they didn't stop him from nuking Luxembourg, which he'd just selected for elimination by flinging a spitball at a spinning globe.

UPDATE: Chomps growled at the spitball - which made him very angry - before savagely attacking both it and the globe, shredding them both to the subatomic level.

ANOTHER UPDATE: Strategy Page has video of Buck the Marine kill'n foreigners in their dirty foreigner's airplane using only a pointy stick and his own flaming ball of foreigner-kill'n rage.

Next... Frank J. lives the dream as he takes command of the biggest blog in the universe. Will he be able to maintain the traffic flow, or will he crash & burn like a dirty foreigner's airplane?...

posted at 08:26 PM by Glenn F.J. Reynolds

I just got bit by a monkey. I bit him back. Tasted like chicken.

posted at 08:30 PM by Glenn F.J. Reynolds

If something bites you and you bite it back, but it tastes more like hickory-smoked bacon than chicken, that's probably a pig-monkey.

UPDATE: Or possibly Michael Moore.

posted at 08:38 PM by Glenn F.J. Reynolds

Hippies taste like tofu and dirt.

posted at 08:50 PM by Glenn F.J. Reynolds

All this posting is making me hungry. I wonder if cats taste like chicken?

posted at 08:52 PM by Glenn F.J. Reynolds

Peace out, yo. Minerva's got a date with George Foreman.

UPDATE: Worship me!

posted at 08:59 PM by Glenn F.J. Reynolds

* * * *

And now the results:

Glenn Reynolds at IMAO:

Frank J. at Instapundit:

FRANK J. WINS!

INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!

*Dodecadhedrons look like this.

*According to mathematicians, dodecahedrons have 12 sides. This is significant because it is also the same as the number of Apostles present at the Last Supper and the number of non-IMAO blogs that will be allowed to survive in the new blog order after Frank J. assumes his throne of blog overlordship-ness.

*The dodecahedron and donuts have the same latin root 'do' which means 'tasty'.

*Each of these sides are shaped like pentagons. Tasty sugar coated pentagons. Some are filled with jelly.

*The Pentagon is actually a huge dodecahedron with 11 secret underground sides. The extra power from the shape is why America's military always wins when they are actually allowed to fight.

*You can make a really small dodecahedron cutting out the following image and taping the sides together.

Though you probably should print it out first instead of ruining your monitor. But I'm not telling you what to do, of course, that's Frank's job.

*If your house is built in the shape of a dodecahedron when Godzilla comes to your town, he'll be more likely to simply kick your house to an adjacent county instead of simply crushing it underfoot. Dinosaurs love soccer.

*If your vehicle's gas tank were dodecahedral it would double your gas mileage.

*Dodecahedrons also have 2 lesser known sides, one is called the 'in' side and is in an undisclosed location.

*The other one is called Lenny.

*Only the president knows any more details about Lenny.

*Any evidence supporting any alleged 15th side named Squiggy is completely fake. But probably accurate.

*Dodecahedrons can foretell the future. If the 'answer shape' inside a magic 8 ball were a dodecahedron, instead of a triangle, it would have been 100% correct in all its predictions.

*It wasn't used because of cost overruns. The 4 extra cuts to make a 12 sided figure make them 50% more expensive than an 8 sided one. That and people actually can't handle the truth.

*In a fight between a sphere and a dodecahedron, the sphere would be utterly demolished and it's puny round bones ground into powder by the dodecahedron. While spheres ARE dagnasty evil, it's just a fact, dodecahedrons know how to fight dirty.

- images from the leftist entity wikipedia

AFRICAN-AMERICAN MANTA!!!

My arch-nemesis!

"Call me Black Manta," he said, "I'm not into that PC crap."

"You would be working with the Republicans, you fiend!"

"What can I say; I'm into fiscal responsibility. Muh ha ha ha!"

I gave him my angry glare. You don't want to see my angry glare. "You're more evil than ever!"

"Because I'm a Republican? What is it with people thinking that a black man can't be a Republican?" he asked irately, "That's racism right there."

"That's now what I meant," I answered defensively, "It's just that... Well, anyway, I know you're working with The Bolton!"

"Do you mean me?" came a booming voice. It was none other than The Bolton, now in his regular supervillain costume of a black cape and spiky helmet.

"What are your fiendish plans for the U.N., you... fiend?"

"That you'll never know about, Aquamaroon," Black Manta answered. He then looked to The Bolton. "Do you want me to handle him?"

"Ha! I'll take on you both!" I yelled as I called dolphins. They came jumping out of the water and flopping their way towards Black Manta and The Bolton.

"'Stache Strength!" The Bolton yelled as he placed his hands on his hips. His mustache then began glowing until the glow consumed his entire body. He then struck the dolphins, sending them flying back into the water. He then looked to me. "You'll think the U.N. is lucky after I'm through with you!" he shouted as he bent a piece of steel for show.

I knew now it was time for an ACTIVE REVERSE-MOMENTUM ATTACK! Within minutes, I had miles of ocean between me and the secret GOP base. As I hid under some rocks, I realized I hadn't yet uncovered the plot, but I vowed to try again soon... one my nerves calmed down.

This is Aquaman, signing off.

Tax Question:

Do these slave children I have in my basement count as dependents? Or
just employees?

Posted by Rikor at April 14, 2005 09:18 AM

Rikor:

This is why you guys are so lucky to have me. You can count them as
employees AND dependents. What's more, since the basement is obviously
a dedicated work area – it qualifies for a home office deduction.
Woohoo! It pays to be Republican!!

Don't overlook some of those hidden deductions. I'm not sure if you
feed your slaves or if you let them enjoy Euporia, but that could be a
valid business expense. Also, you can deduct your cable TV especially
if you broadcast Larry King interviews as a form of torture.

Working Cheaply,
RWD

Tax Question:

Can I deduct my dog? Actually, he's not even mine. We're not even
related. But the little sucker cost me $700 yesterday for surgery.
And I didn't even get a.. no we won't go there... from his owner.
If I strangle her, can I deduct that?
And how about the cost of the rope?
Can I deduct the cost of the DSL service I used to post this?
Enquiring minds want to know.
Please post the answers soon. I can be reached at one of the local
jails. Just inquire.

Posted by Horrabin's Mistakes at April 14, 2005 09:26 AM

Dear Horrabin:

Dogs have a lot of benefits in the eyes of the government. They can
input computer data, help guide blind people, and lick their privates
for hours on end. If they had government jobs, dogs would be running
the joint.

It's hard to tell from your question what the purpose of the surgery
was. Was it cosmetic? Was he admitted into a hospital for 'exhaustion'
and then came out with a cuter tail?

I would not recommend buying rope for strangling. Especially since you
can't count it towards the 2004 tax year. I am also hard pressed to
condone violence against women. It's just not funny. Perhaps you could
start a delicious rumor that she had her dog enhanced for reasons of
mutual pleasure? Every time she walks him you and the neighbors can
bark at her or sing the wedding march.

BTW, if you get jailed in Massachusetts, consider a same sex marriage
for 2005. That extra state deductions could put you in a better tax
bracket for next year.

Sincerely Yours, In a platonic way,
RWD

Tax Question:

Why are people happy about getting refunds? I mean the government has
been stealing all that money to begin with... so if i were to get a
refund i would be pissed. how about you ducky?

Posted by AJ at April 14, 2005 10:37 AM

AJ,

They've been STEALING it? Those atPoundsignDollarsPercentages! You
know, I THOUGHT I heard something going on downstairs, but I thought
it was the dog logging onto the computer. Oh, well. At least you can
get some of it back. That's what we call a 'refund'.

AJ, I'm going to say that you have an unhealthy attitude about this.
This can only lead to resentment. Before you know it, Uncle Sam is
asking, "What's wrong?" And you're walking around saying, "Well, if
you don't know, I'm not going to tell you."

I prefer to look at Uncle Sam as a member of my family, I call him
"Tio Sam". He is the one who holds my extra money throughout the year.
I might end up spending this money on beer or voodoo – or I might end
up wasting it. Thus, the "Tio Sam" savings account. Besides, this way,
"Tio" gets to use my money for things like bullets in Iraq. In a very
small way, I feel like a part of me is killing that terrorist
insurgent – and that gives me the "warm fuzzies."

Stay mellow,
RWD

Tax Question:

Umm. Ok, I run a small import business that brings in agricultural
commodities from Columbia and Peru. The profits from that business are
funneled through several fine, upscale gentlemens establishments. All
of these are under a single umbrella company. My company is
incorporated in Nevada, from which I get a small salary. I run a
second company in St. Kitts that provides that consulting services to
the first company in Nevada. The Nevada company pays a consulting fee
to the St. Kitts company, which in turn pays a large consultants fee
to me. That fee is deposited into a Panama bank, those funds are
reached by a credit/debit card here in the States, so the money never
enters a US bank. Is there anything else I can do to hide my income
from the IRS?

Posted by JamesT at April 14, 2005 11:29 AM

[RWD Finishes taking notes]. You know, a lot of people shy away from
Nevada corporations. But Nevada is home to many good family
businesses, such as restaurants, juice bars, and brothels. Just
kidding, no self respecting individual would visit a a juice bar.
Nevada is a great place to incorporate (State Motto: "This is none of
your business.")

James, you have graduated from petty thug to top line "legitimate
businessman". Although your money has taken a colorful and creative
route to get to you, there are some things you should consider to
maximize your efforts.

You have the makings of a good congressman – although it's not clear
from you question if you already own one. If not, I recommend you get
one, preferably a late model with low mileage.

You should email us your account numbers and pin codes just to
ensure you have a backup plan. Also, include your social security
number. Frank J needs the dependents.

**

Keep those questions coming. The information never stops here at IMAO!

A Bengal tiger which he unleashes on anyone who makes him hands on his hips enraged.

The channel will show professionally produced segments as well as viewer-produced videos mostly short in length, running from a few seconds to up to 15 minutes.

"You'll get to see professionals such as Paris Hilton and Pamela Anderson, along with first time hot amatuers like Britney Spears, Jennifer Lopez, Lindsay Lohan, and Jennifer Aniston.

"We are about empowering this generation of young people in their 20s, the 18 to 34 population. Sure, some of these might be barely legal teens, but we'll have affadavits on file to prove that they're at least 18. We want them to engage in a "dialogue of democracy" - or otherwise use their tongues interactively - and to tell their stories about what's going in their lives using the dominant - or submissive, according to individual preference - media of our time," he said.

Viewers will also be able to vote for their favorite videos and get tutorials via the Internet on how to produce their own segments, according to network officials.

"We're starting something new and we're trying to bring about a change in the way the television medium is used," said Gore. "We know it's... *ahem* hard, but we're.... heh... excited about trying."

In addition to the videos, the new network reached a pact with the search firm to include Google's video search service that pulls up still shots from such content providers as Fox News, PBS and the NBA.

"I really like the idea of being able to find still shots," said Gore, "since I know that there are some... climactic moments... in these films that you'll want to spend some extra time looking at."

Gore, who lost the 2000 election in a bitter contest with current President Bush, seemed to have put politics behind him, insisting the channel would not be a liberal pulpit.

"We have no intention of being a Democratic channel, a liberal channel, or a TV version of Air America; that's not what we're all about," he said, referring to the liberal radio network. "I envision 'Current' as having something for everyone. A place where people can set aside their individual differences and... come together... in a spurt... spirit of bipartisanship."

Gore serves as chairman of the board of that channel.

The network said its financial backers included Rob Glaser, chief executive of RealNetworks Inc. makers of the popular internet video viewing software RealPlayer (now featuring slow-motion and frame-by-frame viewing options), and Joel Hyatt, who is chief executive of the network and built a network of legal services clinics, and who will serve as retainer for Current's affidavit files.

Where does the money go?
Left Side - It goes to fund family planning, pays government employees, like all the inspectors that enforce the regulations that keep evil corporations from poisoning us all. It funds the studies that show why all our faces are melting off because we are overfishing and underrecycling. Currently it also pays for the evil, evil, bloated murderous killing machine called the U.S. military.

Right Side - Well, it pays for govenment endorsed baby killing, government employees like all the inspectors that enforce the worthless regulations that keep corporations from turning much of a profit and for keeping the military ahead of the rest of the world so we can be safe and of course all the pet pork projects, can't forget the pork projects.

Off Side -Pork projects? I knew about the free cheese, now free pork too? Where will it all end? Sheesh. Where does it go? Down the drain,mostly. But most importantly it pays for terrorist killing, and keeping them dead because after they are good and dead they have more trouble killing us and making us dead. That and roads. But it also goes to keeping politicians fat and drunk and in 'entertainment'. Other than that it seems to go to feed clothe and shelter people who'd rather not work, to pay for health coverage for them and as well as for health coverage for the people who cross the border to do the jobs the first set of people won't do.

Where should the money go that its not going now?
Left Side - Well, we should kill military spending and give those taxes to the victims of Bush's war on terror. What do we need a military for anyway? We have the U.N. to keep us safe. Our soldiers have guns and the fact of the matter is 'Guns kill people and more importantly, animals.'

Right Side - More hand ups, less handouts. People need skills and jobs not checks to subsidize laziness.

Off Side - What's left after having federal prisoners and the unemployed build a 30 foot tall razor-wired concrete fence along both borders should go directly into my checking account for a play station portable.

There has been discussion in some circles of eliminating the income and instituting a national sales tax. Is a national sales tax a viable alternative to the income tax?
Left Side - We shouldn't have a sales tax for one simple fact, sales taxes - they don't work. Sales taxes aren't in use anywhere in the U.S. and anybody that says otherwise either isn't paying attention or is a liar or... HALIBURTON! BUSH LIED!

Right Side - It's being studied closely and could very well be a a workable replacement for the swollen income tax system that causes Americans so much grief.

Off Side - Ache Eee Double Hockey Sticks , YEAH!

What effect would a national sales tax have on the poor who pay no income taxes now?
Left Side - If the poor have nothing now they will have even less. It would cause them to riot in the streets and hunt down and kill Republicans. Hmm maybe the sales tax is a good idea after all. Wait, no we are usually rioting, I mean protesting peacefully, in the streets. If they saw my "[bleep] Bush" T-shirt they might think I meant it literally and in a nice way and murder/death/kill me as well. But yes they will riot, committing acts of violence and mayhem that will ultimately be the fault of the Right for supporting such a vile perversion. If you are wondering what kinds of acts of violence and mayhem they are likely to commit. Buy my book 'Acts of Violence and Mayhem: A How To... With Pictures!". I have a comprehensive listing.

Right Side - A positive one, under a consumer intended national sales tax everything anybody buys would end up being cheaper. Why? Because the income tax is built into the price of everything. I would show you the math but it's really, really hard math.

Off Side - Give every adult citizen, not currently in prison, a, what's the poverty line? $15,000? tax free card every year. This way the poor's lives could remain the same and they could continue to siphon the life out of America in under-employed bliss as they do right now. Everybody else would get a break utill they broke through the poverty level spending ceiling. Everybody wins! Even losers!

This has been "A Balanced Look At... Taxes"

Thanks for tuning in.

As you know, Republican consultant, Arthur Finkelstein is gay.

HAAHAHAHAHAHA That’s funny.

What? You want more? Okay. Okay.

Arthur is helping gather funds for the Defeat Hillary campaign. Bill Clinton does not like this and has said that Mr. Finkelstein suffers from “Self Loathing.”

Perhaps if Finkelstein applies himself and the Principles of Bill, he can one day reach Bill’s level- Self Pleasure.

BTW, if there so many people out there who indeed are gay, then why do liberals hate it when one of them turns out to be conservative? Aren’t there plenty to go around?

If the Republicans can find one more gay conservative to you know what we’d have? DIVERSITY!!!

John Edwards went off on a rant recently stating that Hillary is not the frontrunner for 2008 and that he’s still a good candidate.

He’s getting cocky over that one little electoral vote- which was cast by accident.

Or should I say 'Ewards" – since the Elector spelled the name wrong.

One Electoral Vote! One!! I haven't seen that much false overconfidence since Saddam Hussein snagged an extra fruit cup.

Needless to say, Hillary is not happy that so many oppose her for the Presidency which she assures us she really doesn’t want and who the hell are you to keep her from being president again – I mean, one day.

Camel racing is big in the Arab Emirates. It’s like NASCAR without all the endorsement stickers stuck everywhere!!

Camel racing is going to have some big changes coming – The Robot Jockey.

For years, human rights organizations have protested the use of children as Jockeys. So they tried out some Robot Jockeys and the royal family was pleased with the demonstration.

Of course, we never know if this drastic a change will last long term. I can just see them trying to sneak kids back into the races.

Red Cross: I was watching that race and that sir is no robot! Bring that over here!!
Prince Abdul: Of course it’s a robot, don’t you see? It’s all shiny and everything.
Red Cross: This is a boy in a C3PO costume!
Prince Abdul: I respectfully disagree. This is a genuine android. Top of the line.
Red Cross: Look at his costume. It says right there: Star Wars!!
Abudl: Yes. Um. Er. That is our sponsor?

Bush is entertaining Ariel Sharon at his ranch in Texas. They seem to get along great.They started becoming friends ever since President Bush stopped saying, “Tee hee. Sharon – that’s a girl’s name.”

The Prez is quite the considerate host. Sharon was homesick so Bush took one of the cabins and had it bulldozed.

Of course, many were shocked by this including the Secret Service, the ranch manager, and the Ambassador of Burkastan – who at the time was inside the cabin.

Chinese protesters got violent and went on a rampage against the Japanese embassy. They were furious at the recent edition of Japanese history textbooks and the downplaying of Japanese violence during World War II.

After the rampage, protesters gathered to celebrate in Tiananmen Square, or as the Chinese call it -Happy Happy Sunshine Place.

China and India have come to an important treaty. Do you know why? Because even China -with it's girl killing, leg stretching, Taiwan threatening faults understands the importance of one little thing...SECURING YOUR BORDERS!!

Britney Spears has finally admitted to America what we already knew....she’s pregnant.

In an interview with a 10 year old for her school paper the little reporter said “It's good you told us before your water broke.”

Britney responded, “Aren’t you cute? I have to tell you sweetheart- water is soft – it doesn’t break.”

Her new reality show is now going to have such a real dimension. We are so going to be able to relate to her. Like when she’s shopping and she can’t figure out if she should buy the entire boys department, or the entire girls department. I feel her pain.

Music labels are trying to figure out how to deal with the problem of college students downloading music for free. Now, the Industry is in NO WAY out of touch with the needs of young people. That is NOT the reason why CD sales are down. We can only blame music downloading software.

Music sales should improve soon. Britney is coming out with a new single –“Me reading my grocery list.” It’s available at record stores for $19.99 or free by illegal download.

In other news, Britney’s label announced the signing of a new superstar!!

They haven’t heard him sing, but they think he’ll be very popular. So keep an ear out for the music of - Ron Mexico.

If you're a regular reader you'll get that one. :)

**

That's all.

What made you laugh? Post in comments.

* Taxes strike violently without notice at the exact same time each year.

* A lot of people get excited when they get some of the money back that the government had been taking from their paychecks all year; this is a bit like if there was a robber who kept breaking in and stealing your stuff each week, and you got all excited when, after a year, he brings back your T.V.

* Some people don't calculate things right and have to voluntarily hand over their stereo to the robber when he visits after a year.

* If you find yourself surrounded by taxes thirsting for your blood and see no escape, try declaring bankruptcy.

* There's a place on the tax form where you can declare all your illegal earnings. I think that's a trick.

* Income tax was unconstitutional until the 16th amendment was passed with the vote of two thirds of the states and the blessing of Satan.

* It is unknown what tortures in hell those who voted for the 16th amendment are currently receiving, but they better be pretty horrible.

* It is illegal to kill an I.R.S. agent and constitutes a huge fine - but the fine is tax deductible.

* The I.R.S. headquarters is a cursed place built on an ancient Indian burial ground. It's filled with spirits, but they barely ever make any disturbances since most are trying to hide from the death tax.

* In a fight between Aquaman and taxes, the I.R.S. would seize Aquaman's kingdom in Atlantis and put it up for auction. It would then be bought by his arch nemesis - BLACK MANTA!!!

* They say that the only two things certain in life are death and taxes. They're usually also preferred in that order.

* The government takes money out of each paycheck because, if once a year everyone actually had to write a check for their income tax, there would be a huge riot. I want all my money each paycheck and a cool riot!

* Before reforms, when dealing with the I.R.S. you were considered guilty until proven innocent. Also, the I.R.S. is the only government agency with the authority to murder your family on mere suspicion of wrong doing.

* Taxes attack without mercy or remorse. They cannot be stopped by bullets or fire.

* Hiding sometimes works.

* Unless you go buy some gum; then sales tax will find you.

* Taxes are so unstoppable and attack so swiftly, they cannot even be dodged by a ninja!

* The best way to avoid taxes is being a hobo... though certain high-trafficked bloggers may try to murder you.

* If you're stuck in a room and see only two doors in it - one leading to taxes and the other to vicious biting monkeys - use an ax to hack your way out of the room.

* Oh yeah; always carry an ax on you if you're afraid of taxes and monkeys.

* If taxes are after you, don't try praying to God for help because He's currently dodging omnipotence tax.

* On the plus side, taxes are what brought down Al Capone. They also killed Hitler.

* When Jesus was asked about taxes, He said, "Render unto Caesar what is Caesar's." Now, he'd probably just avoid Caesar altogether through some non-profit organization.

* The tax code is the largest, most complex set of written material in the history of the universe. At its current rate of growth, it will block out the sun by 2067 and plunge us into eternal winter. On the other hand, there will be a few new deductions for mortgage interest.

* Democrats like taxes, but claim they only want to tax the rich (that's how income tax started). If you see a Democrat, lock him in a crate and throw it in the sea so he won't raise your taxes.

* The best way to avoid taxes is to lie in a ditch and curl up into a fetal position. It's only two days until taxes are due, though, so it's probably too late to find a good ditch that isn't already taken.

Songs from the year you were born... whatever. Hmmm. I wonder if Simon is wearing a t-shirt.

Nadia 01 - Boring and naked. But I like the hair and the earrings. Bleh. Audience: stupid. Hmm, Paula wants to start with the ups and the highs, and she comes to see just what Nadia's gonna wear. How 'bout a judge who comes to hear Nadia's voice? Musical wallpaper? No, Simon, more like musical drywall (naked, see).

Simon is touching Ryan Seacrest, and I'm disturbed.

Bo 02 - Wow, Bo was such a cute baby. I sure wish he would rock again. Ok, so he did, but it was kinda boring. He needs to stop doing the songs he loves and do the songs that are gonna wow us. Simon is actually the only one with good advice on that one.

Anwar 03 - Am I the only one yawning tonight? Seriously, it's like I took a Dramamine and played back the DVR recording in slo-mo. I think there are some dish bubbles in there slowly popping, maybe I can catch their second act while I wait for the end of tonight's show. I do like what Anwar is wearing though, because I love brown.

My engagement ring is so pretty. Comforting and safe, that ring is.

Hall & Oates, what happened to that awful pr0n mustache that one guy used to have?

Anthony 04 - He looks cute tonight, like a Dutch pop star. That reminds me, I have these little Dutch dolls that my mom bought from Home Interiors like 30 years ago, and she gave them to me, or I stole them... Where was I? Oh yes, Anthony, who went from "my jeans are baggy in all the wrong places" to "my jeans are way too tight everywhere, and SarahK is trying not to barf all over Frank". I disagree with all the judges, that song was like watching a dew drop make its way from the tip of the blade of St. Augustine grass to the root. Whoa isn't that exciting.

Vonzell 05 - Ok, she makes me feel incredibly old, because I remember when "Let's Hear it for the Boy" was on the radio. It didn't show her vocal range at all, it was so boring. Ok, I probably shouldn't be blogging this at all (here, or on mountaineer musings), because I'm apparently in a foul mood. Probably because I've been crying half the night, so give me a break and shut up.

Scott 06 - Oh dear, I can't imagine I'll have nice things to say, just because he puts as much effort into his songs as I put into liking Paula as a judge and resisting dark chocolate. Have I mentioned that not even *I* have as bad stage presence as Scott? And they didn't even let me on AI because of my bad stage presence. Doggone, I hate eating my words, but I have to say, he was good tonight (the second half) and not lazy (the second half). Next week, is it too much to hope for a whole song out of him?

I just want to give Paula a big carafe of coffee and take away her valium and see if she can not appear drunk for one evening.

Carrie 07 - 1983. "Love is a Battlefield", LOL, we just watched 13 Going on 30 Sunday night. Wow, she looks great, sounds fabulous, and she has completely taken over the rock scene from Nadia. Absolutely the best performance tonight so far, not surprising. Randy and Simon apparently had some of Paula's "Coke", so don't listen to them.

Hold on, I've gotta go put on my "Hands Off" t-shirt, because Constantine is going to try to molest me with his eyes in the next few.

Constantine 08 - Wow, "Bohemian Rhapsody", I can't wait to hear it. I'm so ashamed of myself, I loved it. It was actually the best of the night, and I feel like I've betrayed myself. Shame on me.

My order tonight:
Constantine
Carrie
My engagement ring
Bo
Vonzell
Scott
Anwar
Nadia
Anthony

who's going home? i'm guessing Nadia or Anthony.

In payback, Frank J. stalked him, killed him and then had him stuffed for an engagement present for sarahk.

That'll teach spacemonkey to leave a job half done won't it?

Just kidding! It's me, spacemonkey, see? And I'm only mostly dead. On the inside.

They won't be wearing IMAO t-shirts.

Best Buy is in the news (Hat tip: Wizbang)

Best Buy called the police on a man who tried to pay for a purchase with a stack of $2 bills.

so remember kids, Best Buy is the place to go for all of the latest technology.
They’ve just never heard of $2 bills.

The company is so suspicious of this latest development and they have even banned their internet site from carrying out all transactions that have a 2 in the final amount.

Man, these guys are good. Here a blurb from their new training guide.

“If a customer’s total is $5.00 and he pays with a $7 dollar bill, remember that you must give him two singles. Stay alert for the $2 bill!!"

Best Buy is working hard at giving good service. They’re also working hard on another chronic employee problem: crashing into garbage cans.

Professional Golf announced that they will start accepting transgender golfers. Female golfers are protesting this move saying they in essence would be playing against castrated men.

Castrated men? You know, can I have ONE monologue where something doesn’t remind me of JOHN KERRY??

This could turn out to be good news for transgender players. However, they might go through some radical changes when they try to get past security.

“I’m sorry. You’re not allowed to play here, ma’am.”
“What? I played at Augusta just last year.”
“Yes, but that’s when you had a penis. No females. Why don’t you go shopping?”

An advisor to Republican politicians, Arthur Finkelstein, is coming under fire for having gone out and gotten married to his same sex partner of 40 years.

Many on the Left see this as hypocritical.

Personally, I’m happy for the guy. The gay scene is so wild these days, it's always nice when you can find somebody who is sponge-bob-worthy.

In Washington, police were praised for tackling a man who “stationed himself on the west side of the Capitol and asked to see the president.”

Not everyone is happy. Today, the White House received a complaint from the National Association of Door to Door Luggage Sellers.

Turns out the guy had two suitcases full of cash. Oh, man. He was just trying to buy gas!!

The cost of gasoline is reaching record levels here in Los Angeles.

In fact, it's gotten so bad, that police are now beating up motorists - just for their gasoline.

It's so bad, criminals are robbing banks and getting away by bus.

It's so bad, we miss the days when it was raining and houses were sliding down hills. At the time, we called it sad, and horrible that millions of dollars were lost. Today- we'd call it a cheap commute.

In Germany, a terrorist attack simulation involving over 1,000 people experienced some problems when a train used in the simulation caught on fire. Sadly,18 people were hurt.

The German government learns from it’s mistakes. On the next training drill, they will prohibit the use of flares, combustibles, and method actors.

The exercise was going smoothly until flames broke out in the rear of the train. At first they thought it was Finkelstein on his honeymoon!!

A woman, who settled out of court with Jackson previously, testified against Michael saying that he begged her to let her son sleep with him. In fact, when she said no, she says that Michael starting crying.

See, it’s always tough when these celebrities let themselves go limp and drop to the floor. She should have done what all those mothers do at the supermarket, she should have dragged Michael out by one arm.

MJ: I wanna sleep with your boooooooyt!!Waaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
Mom: Come on Michael. If you don’t know how to act, we’re going home.

There are some big changes coming to Sesame Street.

The Cookie Monster will be cutting back on cookies in favor of more healthy alternatives.

The creators of the show felt that they needed to have more balance. Especially since Big Bird really let himself go.

So now we can expect wonderful scenes like...

Elmo: Cookie Monster, would you like a cookie. Elmo has lots of cookies!

CM: Cookies? I love cookies. (singing)Cookies. Cookies. Cookie Monster love cookies. Oh wait, how many carb in cookies?

**

thanks. Do you have an interesting newsbit to share? Email me at rightwingduckatyahoodotcom.

I can't hear you laugh. What got a laugh out of you? Post in comments.

* Much like the internet, libraries are grand repositories of human knowlegde, except with a lot less porn.

* Library books are arranged on the shelves according to the Dewey Decimal System, which replaced the unwieldy Library of Congress classification system and which was named after Donald Duck's nephew, who invented it.

* Ironically, Dewey was illiterate.

* He was also pantsless, adding further irony, since book-reading nerds never get laid.

* Food and drink are not allowed in libraries. Intravenous drugs are fine, though.

* Although being a librarian appears - to the untrained eye - to be a very simple job, it's actually a difficult career requiring a 4-year degree in pantsless duckology.

* In order to best preserve their books, libraries must maintain a constant level of 0% humidity. This is why the most experienced librarians are always withered old crones who look like they've been in the possession of the One Ring of Power for a couple centuries.

* Your library card contains sensitive personal information that terrorists covet. If anyone tries to look at your library card, shoot them.

* If this happens inside the library, use a silencer so as to not disturb other patrons.

* Libraries carry large-print editions of books for the visually impaired. Don't read them or you'll go blind.

* You shouldn't do anything else in a library that'll make you go blind, either. Which is why libraries don't have as much porn as the internet.

* Libraries usually have one small section of books that are written in foreign languages. Since you have no way of knowing what they actually say, you should burn these in case they contain information useful to terrorists or foreigners.

* Libraries have bookmobiles which will come right to your door. This is very convenient if you need to hijack a vehicle for a multi-state crime spree.

* If you've ever wondered what it's like to be in a ticker-tape parade, you can find out by going to a library and blowing it up. WHEEEEE! Flying paper!

* Although rarely seen by non-employees, a library's basement contains non-circulating items, such as rare first-edition novels and the severed heads of people who don't return their books on time.

* Libraries also loan out video tapes, so you can avoid movie-rental fees and STILL enjoy such classics as "Gone With the Wind", "It's a Wonderful Life", and "The Tonya Harding Wedding Video".

* I never said libraries didn't have ANY porn.

His mustache. What is up with that?

UPDATE: Left-wing nuts agree! (thanks to reader Rusty Shackleford - sounds like an alias - for pointing that out)

* REMEMBER THAT YOU OWN THE PLACE: When you walk around D.C., keep in mind that you're the majority. You own the place. You see a Democrat, you knock him down and shout, "Outta my way, biatch!" You see some store selling pro-Democrat or anti-Republican items, you smash the place up with bats. You don't have to worry about the police; you're the majority, and they know that. The police want to keep their pensions. Also, if reporters get in your face, punch them out. Soon press reports will be saying, "Whether you agree with Republican policies or not, you have to admit they're badass mo'fo's."

* TIME TO BE EXCLUSIVE: Okay, you already are the majority, so that means you can do with less people - or at least that should be your attitude. First off, kick a prominent Republican out of the party - I say Hagel. Just announce, "We decided he isn't good enough to be Republican, so we told him to scram." Then people will think Republicans are this exclusive group and not just anybody can be one. To further increase that perception, no longer let people just check on their voter registration that they are a Republican; instead, administer a test where someone has to prove he or she is kickass enough to be called a Republican. Now, the Democrats will try to capitalize on this by saying, "Hey, we don't exclude people." But then everyone will be like, "Yeah, 'cause you suck!"

* NO MORE POLITICAL TALK SHOWS: You're the majority party; you don't have to explain yourself. Thus, stop appearing on political shows. Instead, make them say, "We tried to invite a Republican to get the other side of the story, but we were sent a statement that we can 'go @#$% ourselves' and that only a '@#$% 'tard' would disagree with them anyway." Now people will be like, "Wow. I don't want to be a 'tard! I better agree with Republicans and not listen to these dumbass Democrats!" Every once in a while, a Republican can go on one of these shows, and then people will shout, "Wow! An actual Republican!" but, when it comes time for the Republican to speak, he should just say, "@#$% this," and walk off the set.

* REPUBLICANS ONLY: Have clubs and restaurants where only people who can prove he or she is a Republican are allowed in. Now, Democrats may do the same thing, but, if you're doing my other tips, people will just assume those other places suck.

* USE THE INTERNET: I heard about these things called the internets, and it seems like Republicans should dominate them too. I don't know much about all that, but there's this thing called 'spam' which is like messages that everyone gets. Republicans should spam people about how @#$% cool they are.

Get b1gger pen1s n0w!!!! V0t3 R3pub1c4n!!! Free pr0n!!!

* SUPPORT SPACE PROGRAMS: We have to make sure we support the space programs, because, if sentient life is found elsewhere, we need to make sure they become Republicans too. Dominating America is awesome, but ruling the entire universe is totally sweet!

* EVENTUALLY DITCH THE CHRISTIAN RIGHT: The Christian Right is useful right now because they're friends with God, and God is like totally powerful and angry. You want that guy on your side. But, since He's so powerful, He could turn on us at any time and there would be nothing we could do. Thus, we should start plotting with Lucifer to overthrow God. Now, Lucifer will of course turn on us, and he'll know we know he'll betray us, so this is tricky. But, if we can get Karl Rove established as the new supreme being, then anyone who even thinks tax cuts are bad is going to get struck by a bolt of lightning.

And that will be so cool.

When your political party has to be worshipped, you don't have to ever worry about getting voted out. That's the endgame, man. Republicans forever!

Prince Charles finally got married.

I know. I know, “Why buy the cow, when the milk has dried up” but he seems to be happy now.

As part of the wedding ceremony, the priest made the Prince and his bride admit they were wicked sinners for having cheated on their spouses.

It was appropriate. However, I do feel the priest went overboard when he made them admit they were ugly.

Hey, not everybody can be pretty. But it helps.

Seriously. The Federal Reserve did a study and found out that pretty people make more money.

Researchers spend countless hours, staying up late, talking to workers, and counting the dollar bills in g-strings.

They may need to go back and do more research.

Hmm. Maybe one day companies will brag about all of their ugly workers.

I can see the commercials now.

We have the best insurance rates because we save money on overhead!! Just look at all of our ugly people!!!

The good hands people. Because we have to be.

Here’s a really cool article. There are now some public schools wooing home schooled students to get them to attend public schools.

In fact, they’re experimenting with some new advertising slogans such as…

Our teachers are prettier than your mom and friendlier. Much friendlier.

Get out of the house.

And.

It’s been 23 days since our last shooting.

THE FDA is evaluating lifting the ban on silicone breast implant.

Reasons cited are health improvements, safety upgrades, and an excessive number of women with flat chests.

A Detroit Reporter is in trouble for faking details of a story.

The story had to be filed on Friday. Although the game happened on Saturday.

Hmm. Maybe newspapers should report on stories AFTER THEY HAPPEN.

The author also wrote Tuesdays with Morrie – which was later turned into a TV movie.

Preliminary investigations show he wrote the book on Saturdays!!!

His report was fake, but clairvoyant!!

General Motors has pulled their ads from the Los Angeles Times citing frustration with their left wing bent.

Said an LA Editor. “They sure are missing out. Just next Wednesday we’re running a new series. The Top Ten cars for Fascists.”

Is it accurate? I don’t think a real Fascist would drive a Toyota Prius.

The Smuckers company was dealt a bad blow. They had filed a patent on their peanut butter and jelly crustless sandwiches.

The patent was denied. Said a lawyer, ‘With a name like Smuckers, we thought our patent would be good.”

John Kerry was recently in Rome for the Pope"s funeral.

No, not for political purposes. What’s wrong with you people? He was there for the Veterans of Vietnam Mourning the Loss of the Pope Meeting.

Having had knee surgery recently, he was actually on crutches. Physical crutches, not the “I was cheated out of Ohio” crutch.

In typical Kerry fashion, he’s put himself in for another Purple Heart.

This isn’t like the other times he’s applied for a medal. This time the injury appears real.

I’ll keep you informed of this step by step.

Here’s a great rumor. If it’s true, it’s hilarious.

It turns out that Madonna’s kids primarily speak French. She spends to little time with them that now when she visits, they can barely communicate.

Now it all makes sense. This is why the Liberal Elite love the United Nations – the Interpreters!!

Madonna’s child: Le Blah, le blah, le blah blah blah.

UN Interpreter: Your son wishes to express his happiness at your return from America and asks if you brought him back anything.

I love it!!

**

That's all. Remeber, I can't hear you laugh. So use the comments to tell us which jokes got a laugh out of you.

As the L.A. Times would say: Enjoy your day, you fascist pigs.

* American flags rarely bite unless provoked.

* Methods of provocation include poking it with a stick or being a filthy hippy.

* Each star on the American flag represents one of the 50 states, although McDonalds is eyeballing the naming rights to the one in the upper left corner

* When a patriotic American dies, the flag is lowered to half-staff. When John Kerry dies, expect to see a week of nationwide double-staffing.

* Monkeys have no flag, and must therefore be exterminated.

* Ditto terrorists.

* And the French.

* Yes, I know, TECHNICALLY they have a flag, but they only every really use the white part.

* Some people think it's unpatriotic to buy an American flag unless it's actually made in America. However it really doesn't matter where the flag is originally made, as long as it eventually flies over bullet-ridden terrorist corpses.

* Or live Frenchmen.

* Trust me, they're on the list.

* If an American Flag becomes worn or damaged, it must be disposed of respectfully by burning it in a solemn ceremony. The flag should be neatly folded, set on top of a commie, and set ablaze.

* If you don't have a commie handy, you can use a Kennedy, although these tend to be soggy and not burn well.

* It is disrespectful to wear the American flag as an article of clothing such as a shirt or a pair of pants. Thongs are ok, though.

* In a fight between an American flag and Aquaman, Aquaman would trip over his own damn feet, fall down, and smash his head open on a rock.

* Some people REALLY shouldn't try to fight on land.

* The best way to illuminate your American flag is to place a halogen light no more than 10 feet from the base of the flagpole and aim it toward the lower right corner of the blue field, although purists insist that you should use rockets' red glare.

* The original design for the American flag featured a coiled snake on a white background and the words "Don't F**k With Me!", which was later modified due to pressure from the FCC.

* The best American Flags are made from the bark of the Tree of Liberty, the roots of which must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots & tyrants.

* If Michael Moore were touched by an American flag, he would immediately burst into unholy flame.

Because it's RightWingDuck's Birthday!!

I have to think about how I would have everyone on the planet celebrate.

Parades? Egging Leftist houses?

Hmm. I'll let you guys decide in comments.

BTW - the Number is 37.

FISH GIRL: Why should we listen to you? You're a man. You can't possibly have a valid opinion on anything relating to women.

GLENN: Excellent question - if a bit shrill. Truth is, I know a LOT about women, since I'm part of the dominant male hegemony & actually coined the phrase "barefoot & pregnant"... which is how every one of you bimbos in this classroom would be right now if'n I had my way! However, out of respect for the late Ms. Clinton...

FISH GIRL: You mean Ms. Biddy.

GLENN: No name calling... anyway, I'm keeping my opinions to myself today. I've gone to an objective and woman-oriented source for all the information in today's lecture - www.miss-ogyny.com - and I believe that's the same Gloria Ogyny who wrote the feminist manifesto "Apart From the Sanitation, Medicine, Education, Wine, Public Order, Irrigation, Roads, a Fresh Water System, and Public Health, What Have Men Ever Done for Us?"... Or it might be her sister... I don't know. All you broads kinda blur together after a while.... The point is, everything I'm going to teach today is at least as accurate as CBS News.

FISH GIRL: But you're a man - and therefore evil!

GLENN: A - shrill again, B - my evilness stems more from my thirst for puppy shakes than from gender issues. Besides, in preparation for today's lecture I had a bitch smoothie, so I'm as in touch with my feminine side as I'm going to get.... Now... any more questions? Preferably quiet ones...

FISH GIRL: Is this going to be on the test?

GLENN: Yes it will. And I'll be handing out a sheet with all the information from my lecture on it so you'll be able to pass the test easily. Except I'm going to flunk you out of spite because you're prettier than me, even though you ARE a hairy-legged lesbian.

Now - to the lesson: WOMEN IN HISTORY

* The first woman was Eve, who was invented by God about 6000 years ago after an incident where Adam almost drowned while trying to mate with a mermaid.

* After Eve ate the forbidden fruit, God punished her by giving her a menstrual cycle. Adam's punishment was having to put up with Eve's mood swings.

* Women spent the next 5000 years scrapbooking, and thus accomplished nothing of note, outside of occasionally being barefoot & pregnant.

* Ok, Mary's pregnancy with Jesus is worth noting, but outside of that - ZIPPO!

* More scrapbooking. Move along. Nothing to see here.

* Joan of Arc defeated the British at the Battle of Orleans, but was later put to death at the hands of Xena, Warrior Princess during a "Hot Babes in Armor" competition.

* After gaining fame from creating the first American flag, Betsy Ross opened a scrapbooking store, which gave the women something to do while their husbands won the Revolutionary war.

* In 1784, Hannah Adams became the first woman to make a living as a professional writer, with such best-sellers as "The Proper Woman's Guide to Marital Submission" and "Honey, It Wouldn't Kill Ya to Lose a Few Pounds".

* 1881 - Clara Barton founded the American Red Cross after discovering how funny it was to make her husband scream in pain while poking at his wounds.

* 1916 - Montana elected its first female US House Representative, whose first act was to propose a change to House rules allowing bills to be voted on by saying "AYE" or "NAY" instead of using belching contests.

* 1924 - Texas elected its first female Governor, whose legacy includes making "YEE-HAW!" the official State Motto, and armadillos the official State Roadkill.

* 1935 - Pearl S. Buck became the first woman to win a Nobel Prize for literature for her epic novel "Debbie Does Dallas".

* 1947 - Georgia Clark became the first female US Treasurer. She was forced to resign in disgrace a month later in the scandalous aftermath of instructing the IRS to no longer allow hookers to be deducted as a business expense - a move that nearly crippled the shakily-recovering post-war economy.

* 1981 - Sandra Day O'Connor was appointed to the US Supreme Court, thus putting an end to the Constitutional separation of Scrapbooking and State.

* Nothing but scrapbooking since then.

GLENN: Ok, that's the lesson. Any questions?

FISH GIRL: That's the most putrid, revolting pile of crap I've ever heard anyone spout!... Which is really saying something, since I used to date Andrew Dice Clay. You're a disgusting chauvanistic pig! How that hell do you sleep at night?

GLENN: Naked on a pile of money that I earned from personal injury suit contingency fees, why?

FISH GIRL: OO! MONEY! Say, how 'bout I stop by your office after class for a little... "extra credit"?

GLENN: Depends. How do you look in a latex penguin suit?

FISH GIRL: Like hot, sexy magic.

GLENN: ... WELL!... I think that should about do it for today. Just remember, girls, that the history books are still being written, and there's no reason that every one of you can't accomplish something to earn your place in them. After all, the world still awaits its first female, puppy-blending, blogospheric overlordette. Perhaps one of YOU will be the one who finally gets to say:

INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!

Whether they spin clockwise or counter-clockwise.

The Los Angeles Lakers are now officially out of the playoffs. Yep. It’s all over except for watching Shaq on TV trying to win another ring..

So, it looks like Kobe’s court time is going to be coming to an end. - Unless he gets himself arrested again.

In LA we debate whether it was wise to trade the tall arrogant one and have the short arrogant one stay behind.

Man, it’s like the Democrats deciding: John Kerry or Howard Dean?

Except the Lakers know what it's like to win.

Here in California, there’s a new report showing that 22 million of us eat too much, exercise too little, and are getting too fat.

I didn’t read the article. It was way over on the other side of the couch. Who knows.

This has not gone over too well. Protesters were planning a massive rally, then they realized it required 20 minutes of standing. So they went to the local IHOP and chanted slogans at the wait staff.

Hey hey. Ho ho. Low fat has got to go.
Can I get that with extra gravy?

In Canada, a beer truck toppled, spilling thousands of bottles of beer.

Now, Canadian men are just like American men – right? Run and see if you can score a few bottles!!

Actually, in America you’d say to your wife, “Honey, can you go to the freeway and get me a beer?”

The beer company is carrying out an investigation and the driver could be in trouble if they discover he was driving while sober.

Even sadder, two stray animals were killed. They had beer battered roadkill. They've never seen that in Canada. Kentucky, yes. Canada, no.

If the problem in the United States is width, in China the problem is height.

In China, those with extra money are now splurging to make themselves TALLER!!

How? Let me quote the L.A. Times directly talking about two of the people in the article…

“They had a doctor break their legs and insert steel pins into the bones just below their knees and above their ankles. The pins are attached to a bulky contraption that looks like a metal cage. For six months or so, they will wear this stretching device even though it delivers excruciating pain eased only by medication.

They dial the adjustment knobs daily, forcing the ends of the broken limbs to pull away from each other even as they heal. As new bone grows, the device forces it apart again, resulting in more new bone to fill the gap. Patients on the device typically gain about 3 inches in six months.”

This procedure, developed by John “Daddy Longlegs” Chang, is turning out to be quite popular. Especially among those wanting to be actors.

I can just imagine people in China saying, “I want to be tall, like Tom Cruise or Dustin Hoffman.”

So you crank a knob to separate the bones? Ewww.

The guys are lucky, their model comes with a remote control.

This procedure is totally gonna change the social scene in China.

Two Chinese guys checking out a girl in a bar..

“Hey, she’s hot.”
“Yeah. Tall. You think she’s natural?”
“Nah, she probably cranks.”
“That reminds me – where’s my remote control?”

What gets me is that ACTORS are getting this procedure done! If there’s one place in the world you can hide flaws, it’s in a film!!

“Mr. Cruise. Could you step over here in this light. Wonderful. Yes, stand right there next to the thimble.”

The Popes Funeral is today. In attendance will be the Who’s Who of the world. There will be 4 Kings and 5 Queens.

Funny, I once attended a funeral that was caused by 5 queens. Actually, there were four, but then the fifth one fell out of the sleeve...

Mysteriously enough, John Kerry has shown up in Rome on crutches.

His spokesperson says he’s had medical treatment for his knees. It’s from years of marathoning, and hockey playing.

Yeah, and Monica’s lip blister was from stress.

The better question is this: Is he looking taller?

BTW, Kerry isn’t there for the funeral. Now that there’s no Pope, he’s still working on getting that first marriage annulled.

The quarterback for the Atlanta Falcons is being sued for giving his girlfriend Herpes. She is asking for an undisclosed amount. Well, SOME of it is undisclosed.

Price for two drinks: $20.00
Price of a new NFL contract. $145 million.
Having every woman on the planet know that the plumbing is infected: Priceless.

On the plus side for Vicks, no more waiting in line for the showers!!

Get this. It appears that Vicks sought treatment under a fake name -Ron Mexico.

Which, by the way, is a great name to assume when treating problems “south of the border”.

Vick. Remember, if you wish to come back – you’ll need a passport.

**

That's all.

Remember: I can't hear you laugh. Please post in comments and let me know what got a laugh out of you :)

Karl Rove is spying on you right now and wants to murder your children!

The President along with former Presidents Bush Sr. and Bill Clinton visited the Pope today.

Jimmy Carter was left behind, not because they thought any less of him, but because somebody needed to stay behind and water the plants, feed the fish, and you know, just keep an eye on things.

President Bush wanted to show strength as well as sympathy, which is why Condi and Laura won out.

When Bob Villa dies, he’ll send Jimmy.

I’ve been saddened lately by the passing of the Pope.

I grew up Catholic but am now Grace Brethren (sort of like Baptist). In reading different articles, it seems that everyone is inclined to state whether or not they are Catholic.

Why is that? We don't say stuff like that at other times.

Illegal Immigration must be controlled (Full disclosure: I’m Mexican)

Hillary Clinton is the devil (Full Disclosure: I’m not female)

The Pope was a good man who practiced his faith and served God his entire life. There are people in line who’ve waited days just to see him and say goodbye. There are people traveling thousands of miles just to pay their respects.

I hope when I die that the people aren’t just lining up to spit on my grave. And if they are, I certainly hope the line takes less than 12 hours.

Have you SEEN that?

Some people waited 12 hours to see the Pope one last time. Man, I haven’t waited that long since my last trip through airport security.

Martha Stewart is saying that she wants the rules of her home arrest relaxed.

Being allowed to work only 40 hours a week is keeping her from building her empire and is causing her to lose money!!

It is just so unfair when jail time robs you of your freedom.

It’s like prison!

In Iraq, Saddam Hussein was watching on television when the new President of Iraq was elected – a KURD!!

He really irritates the guards when he watches TV – he’s always saying things like, “Hey, I thought I had that guy killed!”

The BBC has egg on its face. Recently they were working on a segment on the music of Bob Marley. They decided to write the Bob Marley foundation to see if they could interview him for a day or two.

Not a problem, except for the fact that he’s been DEAD a couple of decades.

When word of this got out, the foundation got another call – the Democrats wanted to know who he was going to vote for.

Today was also the funeral of famed lawyer Johnny Cochran. His list of clients included O.J. Simpson and Michael Jackson.

Actually, he’s not officially dead, his case is under appeal.

The funeral was a who’s who of celebrities. It got a bit awkward at the end. For some reason, many were afraid to leave without hearing the verdict..

Richard Gere is traveling across the globe, trying to spread world peace. He’s urged the EU not to sell arms to China and he recently went to Japan stressing the importance of a free Taiwan. I admire Mr. Gere and applaud his efforts. (Full disclosure: I’ve never been with a gerbil).

The FBI is trying to convince people that they need to have a more streamlined way of carrying out their investigations. They want to be able to seize information more quickly.

So basically, the FBI would still know nothing – they’d just know much SOONER.

They are hoping the new rules are appoved quickly. They need to act quickly on a hot tip. Pretty soon, they’ll be going off to look for Bob Marley.

**

that's all.

You know the drill.

SARAH: frank! it's six o'clock! time for you to breast-feed sydney!

FRANK: I'm kinda busy microwaving a burrito right now. Can't YOU do it tonight? I mean... you ARE more voluminous in the milk carton department.

SARAH: ew! don't be disgusting! my breasts are a sacred gift from God, and are only to be used for feeding human babies and winning t-shirt babe contests.

FRANK: Fine. Just wait until my burrito's done.

SARAH: i. said. now! [pulls out .44 magnum Colt Anaconda and empties 6 shots into the microwave, causing a shower of glass, electrical sparks, and a strange, blue glow]

FRANK: Nice grouping, but there were only 10 seconds left.

SARAH: i'm just thinking about sydney's needs. poor thing's starving! [looks sappily at Sydney] aren't you, sweetie? [reloads]

SYDNEY: squeak! squeak!

FRANK: Well, I guess I can pick the glass out of my burrito later... by the way, Sarah, you seem to have destroyed the shielding around the microwave's radiation source with all your fancy shootin', and I think I've been exposed to a massive dose of gamma radiation, and may even now be radioactive myself... Oh well, time to feed the monkey-cat.

SYDNEY: squeak! squeak!

FRANK: Ok, Sydney, chow time...

SYDNEY: sque-mmrmf... *slurp, slurp, slurp*...purrrrrrr... *slurp, slurp, slurp*...purrrrrrr...

FRANK: Hmmmm... Sydney appears to be taking on a blue glow, just like the microwave... I hope my radioactive breast milk isn't harming her... no, that's ridiculous... cats have built-in lead shielding, don't they?

[The blue glow intensifies, then explodes in a blinding flash, sending Frank flying across the room. He recovers, looks at the top of the couch, and sees that stupid monkey-cat Sydney has been transformed into:

*cue theme music*

Breast-fed mutant ninja kitten!
Breast-fed mutant ninja kitten!
Breast-fed mutant ninja kitten!
Hero hurling hairballs... KITTEN POWER!

FRANK: Uh... hey, Sydney... ya know, I was just kidding about that whole throwing you in a bog thing...

*RING, RING*

FRANK: Hello?

JOE FOO': Hey Frank, it's your brother Joe Foo' the Marine, callling from Iraq. I've got a problem and I'm hoping you can help me out. These terrorists are getting really annoying over here. Why just the other day, one of them ran up to me and emptied an AK-47 into my chest from point blank range. Good thing I was wearing one of your Nuke the Moon T-shirts, so all the bullets were deflected. But I can't help thinking about all the good folks here who don't HAVE Nuke the Moon T-shirts. Do you have any OTHER secret weapons you can send over?

FRANK: I... think I can help... what's your mailing address again?

JOE FOO': Just write "Frank J's Brother Joe Foo' c/o the Marine Corps" on it somewhere.... Hey, I gotta run... another Asshat for Allah is opening up on my T-shirt, so I should really go snap his neck... Hurry up with that secret weapon!"

[click]

FRANK: Hmmm... ninja kitten... cardboard box... duct tape... some assembly required...

*grab*

*SQUEAK!*

*fold*

*tape*

SARAH: frank? whatcha doin'?

FRANK: Supporting the troops.

SARAH: well, i can see that, ya goofy-goof! what i mean is, aren't you going to make some air holes in that box?

FRANK: Silly girl! Everyone knows cats make their own oxygen.

SARAH: air. holes.

FRANK: Fine. *poke, poke, poke* There! Satisfied, Bossy?

SARAH: i am not a cow! waaaaaaaaah!

FRANK: I meant SNUGGLE BUNNY! Look... I'm REALLY sorry. I promise I'll make it up to you. I'll buy you flowers... or a new car... or a new car made out of flowers...

SARAH: i wish we were having sex so that i could threaten to withhold it as punishment!

FRANK: Sarah, Sarah, Sarah... we don't need to have sex... just holding you is punishment enough.

SARAH: awwwww... that's so sweet... now go mail that package to your brother, and on your way back from the Post Office, you can buy me something to appease my wrath...

[Several weeks later, the following letter arrives from Joe...]

Dear Frank,

Just wanted to thank you for that care package you sent. The tootsie rolls were a little dry and not as chocolatey as I remember them, but that Ninja Kitten came in really handy. I have a few pictures from one of Sydney's recent covert missions:

Sydney has infiltrated a terrorist hideout. Terrorists drink a LOT of bottled water.

A terrorist (apparently feeling overconfident because it was "just a kitten") attempts to use a mere 3-point palm exploding heart technique. However, his kung-fu is weak, and he brings shame upon the house of his master for being a fool.

Sydney summons all her mysterious radioactive ninja powers and...

I swear, all I did was blink, and by the time I opened my eyes again, there was nothing left of that terrorist but a scrap of denim and something that might have been a knee at one time.

That Ninja Kitten is GOOD.

Whatcha been feeding her?

Well, I gotta run. I have to take Sydney to the awards ceremony so she can receive her Congressional Medal of Honor.

Give my love to Sarah.

Your Bro,

Joe Foo'

P.S. How's Sarah enjoying that full-auto Glock you bought for her?

P.P.S. SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

AQUAMAN!!!

Just think of it; there are many similarities between me and Jesus. He can multiply a few fish into many, and I can talk to fish. He can walk on water, and I can breathe under it. Together as a team we would be unstoppable! Even Black Manta would dare not face us!

Now, apparently, the pope is a Marvel superhero, and this could possibly cause some contractual issues. I’m pretty sure this obstacle can be worked around, though.

So how much does this job pay? Well, whatever anyone else is asking, I'll do it for 25% less.

Come on; I'm desperate for work!

It's number 3000! Hooray!

Ha! Fooled you! All the rest of the pictures have cats in them!

Sydney starts to wonder about the safety of her old fort and considers finding a new one to protect her from getting thrown in the bog.

This discarded Swiffer Jet box seems like the perfect place to hide. "No bog for me!"

"Still, I must always be vigilant to stay away from that mean man who wants to throw me in the bog."

But her new fort is compromised! Minerva (a.k.a. Calico Fats) has found Sydney and prepares to destroy her!

Sydney tries hiding in the pantry, and thus I try to tempt her out so I can throw her in the bog. "Come out and drink this tranquili... milk."

Sydney escapes to a new refuge in a trash bag. What she doesn't know is that bag is going to be thrown in the bog since it's full of papers I don't want the IRS seeing.

Calico Fats finds her, though!

Being a helpful cat, Calico Fats uses her massive weight to help crush the trash.

"Freedom!"

"Not so fast!" Calico Fats says, "Now you die!"

"Why Can't we just work together?" Sydney pleads.

Together, they decided, they can do lots of evil. They celebrate this arrangement by eating SarahK's soup.

Calico Fats gets to work formulating a plan.

Sydney work late into the night figuring out what they should do.

Finally, all the calculations are done, and the plan is set.

Phase 1: Attack SarahK's dresses while she is ironing.

Phase 3: PROFIT!

When SarahK sees what Sydney has done, she beats the kitten so hard she needs stitches. Sydney has to wear a collar to keep herself from chewing on the stitches since she's so dumb. Now, she's so pathetic looking that throwing her in the bog would be an act of mercy.

Her mournful eyes seems to ask, "Why do you make me wear this horrid thing?"

I answer, "Because you're dumb and I hate you and I want to throw you in a bog."

Enough of that. I need a dog so I can do "Dog Chasing Cats" blogging.

Reader Babaganoosh gave us this next item. (BTW, next time, email the item so I can get your URL for a hat tip – hint-still not too late)

A Burmese woman is breast feeding a set of tiger cubs that are no longer with their mommy tiger.

The woman also has a 7 month old baby and offered to help the cubs.

Experts suspect the baby is picking up some tiger mannerisms. Just last week he was found jumping through a ring of fire.

This rekindles the ages old debate – tiger formula versus breastfeeding.

Actually, it’s not so bad. The tiger cubs don’t have any sharp teeth yet.

However, it does get a little difficult when she needs to get them to burp.

My queston is: What makes a woman do this? What is she – a REFRESHMENT stand? This is the kind of woman who stands by the side of the road...

"WHO'S THIRSTY? WHO'S THIRSTY. STEP RIGHT UP!!"
"Lady, what are you doing!!?"
"What's it look like? Can I offer you some breast milk?"

And she stays there all morning long, not letting any of the runners enjoy the marathon.

Many groups have protested a government website that promotes abstinence.
They say that it’s wrong for the government to promote a value. Unless it's abortion, homosexual tolerance, tolerance of anything....

We’ll see how this one plays out.

Some other sad news.

ABC’s Peter Jennings has announced that he has lung cancer. He sent a memo saying that he will be undergoing chemotherapy – and apologized saying he’ll have days when he’s cranky and days when he’s very cranky.

Which is just what America needs – a reporter who can blame the drugs.

So remember, kids, smoking can causse you disease. Don’t smoke. Oh, wait – is that endorsing a value?

Never mind. Smoke up, kids. Uncle Sam needs the tax revenue.

The US Border Patrol is complaining about the Minutemen stationed along the Arizona border.

Turns out that they keep tripping a lot of the sensors. This causes the alarms to keep going off at the main station.

That's tough. It’s been ages since they’ve had a good night’s sleep.

Baseball has returned to Washington DC. Their new team, the Washington Nationals started off their baseball season against the Phillies.

Washington locals aren’t used to baseball. To them, it’s weird watching a wealthy man scratch his OWN groin.

There are too many politicians in DC. The press wasn't sure what to do when somebody finally stepped up to the plate.

DC is the only place where a baseball report says: "And he hit a homerun, completely overlooking the idea of bipartisan support."

But things are moving.

The big hit was the opening day promotional giveaway – Leftover Steroids.

Michael Jackson trial is moving along, and MJ might be in trouble.

A former housekeeper testified that she once saw Michael in the shower with a seven year old boy.

Maybe parents simply MISHEARD Jackson when he said, “Sure, bring the kids over- I’ll WASH them.”

What did they THINK he was saying?

This also explains that mystery song on his last album – “Will you be my Scrubby Buddy”

Oh, and some really good stuff here.

Scientists are working on a bionic eye

For now, it has very low resolution, but scientists think they can they rebuild it better, and stronger than before –

They can also add that cool bionic sound effect.

Dooo doooo dooo dooo doo

**

Thanks. As always, I can't hear you laugh. Let me know what got a chuckle out of you.