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May 31, 2005
Return of the Aquaman
Been a long time no... sea. Ha ha!
Seriously, though, I've been reworking exactly what my role is here at IMAO. Frank J. was trying to convince me to be their foreign correspondent, but, for someone who is constantly being bathed, it’s hard for me to stand the smells of Europeans and such.
And now I do what all self-respecting superheroes do...
HAWK MY COMIC BOOKS!!!
Look at me in Aquaman #29 taking on Superman.
Ha! He thinks he's so powerful, but he doesn't have a magic water hand or can talk to fish.
But I'll get you into the story by starting with issue #25 (I couldn't expect to go back to #1 for the current series; that must be worth millions by now) after the sinking of San Diego.
So wait for my comic synopses to come soon, and, until then, remember that you can only see the exciting adventures of Aquaman in DC Comics.
Please go out and buy them! They say they'll kill me off if I don't get my sales up!
Carnival Of Comedy Reminder and News
But that's not the real news. The REAL News is that the two upcoming Carnivals of Comedy will have hosts whose name don't rhyme with macebunky.
They rhyme with the following:
Can you guess their names? Sure you can.
That's right, comedy fans, RightWingDuck will be
Yay! Don't forget to submit entries for this weeks carnival before the end of Wednesday. After that, you'll just have to wait till the following carnival.
Sorry to be such a hardnose but, who am I kidding? I love enforcing rules, POWER!
In My World: Bush Blog Part III
* * * *
"Pamphlets!" President Bush exclaimed.
"Yes, pamphlets," Laura Bush responded, "Before blogging and even T.V. and radio, people got out their own opinions by pamphlets. You can hand out pamphlets saying blogging is a good thing to fight against that mean mainstream media."
"Fine," Bush groaned as he took some pamphlets and walked outside. Soon he saw a man walk by him so he handed one out saying, "Here, take this pamphlet and learn about how blogging is really a good thing."
"Are you a blogger?" the man asked as he tepidly took the pamphlet.
"I do it as a hobby," Bush answered, "My day job is president of a major country."
"The United States of America."
The man's eyes lit up. "I live in that country!"
"Then you've probably seen me before," Bush replied cheerily, "on either T.V. or a ballot."
"You do seem familiar."
"Yep. I live in that house back there." Bush pointed to the White House.
"I thought Bill Clinton lived there."
"He used to," Bush said angrily, "and you can't believe the cleaning bill after he moved out. They really should make presidents pay a deposit when they move in. Anyway, have a great day."
"You too. I'll read this pamphlet, and you have good luck running the U.S.A.," the man said before walking off.
"This is going well," Bush said. He then saw Rumsfeld was nearby. "How are you doing handing our pamphlets, Rummy?"
"Fine," Rumsfeld grumbled. He then forced a pamphlet into the hand of someone as he passed near. "Read this and make its opinion your own," Rumsfeld shouted, "or I'll murder you and your family! Rarr!"
"I don't think you can get away with threatening to murder people all the time," Bush told Rumsfeld.
"Says who?!" Rumsfeld demanded as he glowered at Bush threateningly.
"Not me!" Bush shrieked and went back to quietly handing out pamphlets.
* * * *
"Due to a large pamphleteering campaign," said the anchorman, "not authorized by us, your trusted mainstream media, citizens have gone back to believing that blogs are a good thing, despite polling telling them they don't actually think that. In a stunning move, President Bush has given a full pardon to blogger Glenn Reynolds for his cross country shoot out with the police, a move supported by bloggers across the world but very unpopular to law students at the University of Tennessee. There have been some implications that quid pro quo was involved, as Bush received what is called an 'Instalanche' to his own blog, Dubya Explains It All, right after issuing the pardon. White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan denied these charges, but we remind viewers that he is tubby."
The Newsweek editor turned off the T.V. in the dark media lair. "If people are listening to bloggers again, how are we going to viciously slander Bush and his administration?" he exclaimed.
"We'll leave that to the Emperor of the Media," said another media mogul.
"Is he coming here?"
"I already am," answered an unearthly voice. The Newsweek editor turned to see a decrepit old man in a hooded cloak walking forward to take his seat at his throne. "We shall turn the bloggers to the dark side of pretended unbiased reporting. First, we shall start with the blogger known as Dubya."
"How can we get to him?"
"He shall come to me," the emperor answered, "This I have foreseen."
"I sent him a coupon saying he could get a free steak dinner here. Muh ha ha ha!"
* * * *
"My blog is really getting popular," Bush said, "I have lots of readers listening to everything I say about how great a job I'm doing as president."
"That's great, dear," Laura answered.
"I even got sent a coupon for a free steak dinner!"
"Be careful about that," Laura warned, "You know how often the promise of a free steak dinner has been used to lead you into a trap."
"Well, one of these days it has to not be a trap," Bush asserted.
"Fine, but, if the place this coupon says to go for the steak dinner is a hollowed out volcano, you be extra careful. And make sure to take some Secret Service with you."
"No, they're always freaking me out with how they talk into their sleeves and stuff." Bush then headed to his car and drove away from the White House. He followed the directions on the coupon until he came to a volcano just outside of D.C. "Hmm," Bush thought to himself, "It is a volcano, but I can't be sure it's hollowed out until I go inside for my free steak dinner!"
* * * *
The guards led Bush to the emperor. "He was armed only with this," one guard said as he set a katana at the side of the emperor's throne.
"I've been carrying one ever since I saw Matrix: Revolutions," Bush said, "Morpheus is so cool! Now where is my free steak dinner?" He then noticed the Newsweek editor was standing next to the emperor. "Hey! You're that guy who says I'm for flushing Korans down the toilet and lots of other slander that I don't have the time or attention span to read!" He then looked to the emperor. "But who are you?"
The emperor motioned for the guards to leave. "I am the originator of all media bias. For all the papers and T.V. shows that turned their reporting against you, it was at my bidding."
"I should murder you dead for that!" Bush exclaimed. He then looked at his katana that was in easy reach.
"Yessss," the emperor hissed, "I am unarmed; take you weapon and strike me down like we in the media strike down whomever we please. Then your journey to the dark side of reporting will be complete."
Bush thought for a moment. "I think that reverse psychology thing is having an effect, 'cause now I'm thinking maybe I shouldn’t strike you down."
"How typical," the emperor said, "I'd expect that from someone who went AWOL."
"I never went AWOL!" Bush shouted as he grabbed his katana and swung the blade at the emperor. It was stopped by the Newsweek editor's own sword. The two then began to fiercely battle as the emperor laughed.
"You are weak!" the Newsweek editor yelled, "And I'm going to have a cover story about it!"
"I'll cut out your heart and flush it down the toilet!" Bush answered. Soon, Bush overpowered the Newsweek editor, knocking the sword from his hand. The editor lay on the ground, now at Bush's mercy.
"Good!" the emperor shouted, "Finish him and take his place at my side, destroying anyone who has opinions contrary to ours!"
Bush was quiet for a moment. He then tossed away his sword and faced the emperor. "No. My job is to police the media, not to destroy it. For I am a blogger, like my blogfather before me."
The emperor scowled. "So be it." He then quickly snapped a picture of Bush. "Ha! Your mouth was open during that picture and you look like a fool! I'll use it with a story claiming you were involved with illegal campaign fundraising!"
"You media people are crazy," Bush stated, "If I'm not getting a free steak dinner, I'm going to go get myself a burger and fries."
* * * *
"So they tried to turn me to the dark side of reporting," Bush said as he finished his fries, "but I resisted."
"I'm very proud," Laura responded, "Just for that, I'm going to make you brownies."
As Laura left the Oval Office, Vice President Cheney entered. "The staff has been talking it over, and you have to stop blogging," he told Bush, "We decided it’s too risky as you might post secret information since... you know... you're an idiot."
"I guess so," Bush answered, "but at least I learned an important lesson from all this."
Bush thought for a few seconds. "Okay, I didn't learn anything. Anyhoo, I'm going to flip a coin to decide whether we attack Iran or North Korea next. You call it in the air, Dick." Bush flipped a quarter.
Bush caught the coin. "It's tails." He was silent for moment. "Wait; what does that mean?"
Memorial Day in Memoriam and Announcements
Sorry not to have up a Memorial Day post. I'd just like to remind everyone who wants to help our troops out there, this is a great charity.
Got a special treat this morning - a call from my brother, Sgt. Joe Foo' the Marine. He's got some new mission where he'll be out of contact for a couple weeks, but he says he really likes being out in Iraq. I told him not to enjoy it to much, because he needs to be back by my wedding date. Otherwise, I'm going to have to create and program a robotic best man for my wedding - and Lord knows it will most likely break down and try to kill everyone.
Nothing ruins a wedding like a murderous, robotic best man.
BTW, there have been some questions about where SarahK and I are registered, but right now that's nowhere. Anyway, we need money more than anything else so we don't start our new life horribly in debt. Thus, I may put my PayPal donation box back up for those who like both me and SarahK (or just one of us) and wants to give us a gift.
Finally, we're already hard at work on the next podcast. Consider the first one like a T.V. pilot. We're going to learn from that, adjust, and soon have a great podcast for you every week in addition to the quality humor posts you expect from IMAO.
Yes, while other blogs remain stagnant and stupid, IMAO is evolving. Change can be scary, but try not to be afraid as we can sense fear - and it makes us angry.
May 30, 2005
U of OR Scribe Screams: "Pay attention to me—I DON'T wanna kill the Prez!"
On a day that most real Americans have chosen to thoughtfully honor the soldiers who have given the people living in our great republic the freedom so many cherish, a leftist journalism student at an obscure university has abused her freedom with a column in her school's paper listing her top ten reasons not to murder President Bush.
Awwww! Isn't that just the cutest? I think someone didn't have enough attention from mommy and daddy growing up...
(UPDATE: This post has offended some U of OR alumni and those who want to give this semi-woman a pass because she only fired a three-round burst at those darn Republicans rather than the full-auto spray most hate-filled lefties dole out. I'd suggest reading that so-called U of OR newspaper to see statements like "the John Ashcrofts and Osama bin Ladens of the world maintain that dancing, drinking and gambling represent horrible sins," the reporters' objective look at "gender identity," and the one-sided coverage of a "debate" against military of funding for U of OR research projects. After that bit of research, come back to IMAO, download our podcast, and buy some shirts)
As I was saying, there's no way I'm linking to this semi-woman's article so she can promote her: "PAY ATTENTION TO ME WORLD! I DON'T WANNA KILL THE PRESIDENT!" ranting. I thought it was humorous that not only does she intimate that Supreme Court judges are indirectly elected by the American people (or religious zealot "near zombies") but the 10th reason she gave, "slaying President Bush is simply immoral," seemed like it was tacked onto the end of her reasons without much thought.
Boy, what must that editorial meeting been like?
"Well, like my number one reason for not killing Bush is that those, like, stupid Red-State cretins would vote for his right-wing religious zealot judicial nominees. My second reason is that Dick Cheney would be in charge and he would have, like, Haliburton pump crude oil into the drinking fountains of inner cities' public schools. Um... Do you think I should, like, write anything about how murder is wrong in my column? I mean, morality is so subjective and I don't, like, want the enlightened people to think I have, you know, some kind of religious moralistic agenda by denouncing the assassination of a guy that probably deserves getting whacked."
New Blog Carnival Showcase #14
Unlike certain blogs which are mere fat-headed collections of B-list, pseudo-celeb, talentless hackery, IMAO actually cares about the struggling lesser-known lights of the blogosphere. And unlike certain puppy-blending blogospheric overlords who let incontinent cows do the bulk of their blogging, IMAO occasionally links someone besides Ann freakin' Althouse.
To prove that this is so, IMAO is hosting this week's edition of The New Blog Showcase Carnival - a round-up of self-submitted posts from bloggers who've been in the game for 3 months or less. So let's welcome these new kids to our little corner of the 'sphere by making fun of their raggedy clothing and funny accents... (continued in the extended entry)
In "Tom Delay v Ronnie Earle", ConspiracySquirrels.com shows that the case against Tom DeLay has its roots in Texas as partisan political payback for the 2003 redistricting scrum. Seems Travis County District Attorney Ronnie Earle is actually a Kool-aid-drinking Democratic pocket-watch who makes Dan Rather look like Frank J.
Vryce of Postcards From Metro Suburbia lets it be known in "Open letter to the elderly couple driving in front of me today" that the only thing worse than listening to an old person rambling on about the "good old days" is being stuck behind a wheezing geezer in traffic while he tries desperately to remember what all those funny little levers & pedals are for.
By the way, Vryce, your grandpa read this and cut you out of his will. Guess you'll have to get your walking bird & belt-onion somewhere else.
NOTR of ROFASix predicts in "Airline Security - Do you really need to get naked before you board that aircraft?" that thanks to new X-ray imaging technology, you can expect to see celebrity naked X-ray pictures on the cover of the National Enquirer. Beware the Michael Moore issue! [CAUTION: there's a sample naked X-ray picture in this post. Exercise discretion if surfing from work].
Shamalama of Common Folk Using Common Sense points out in "The Evils of Phil A. Buster, Part Three" that if the Democrats want to control who gets appointed as a judge, maybe they should try winning some elections instead being a bunch of whiny jackaninnies threatening to filibuster every damn nomination that comes down the pike.
Or they can just wait for the Republicans to roll over & surrender their power, which seems to work even better.
The Prisoner of Your Village Voice contends in "The Article Heard 'Round the World" that the "conservative magazine" Newsweek's publishing an article on Koran-flushing was NOT the cause of riots that left 15 people dead. This entry is either brilliantly understated satire or... an interesting opinion. I'm not sure which.
The MaryHunter of TMH's Bacon Bits says in "Misinformation Overload: Adult Stem Cell vs. Embryonic Stem Cell Research" that, when choosing between Adult and Embryonic stem cells, the best choice is to pick your nose instead of listening to the MSM hype. This is a fair and balanced article, guaranteed to annoy people on both sides of the issue.
Crazy Like a Fox of The Smirk writes "Lesbians And The Bugman" as a reminder to husbands everywhere that - although the cabinet under the sink is handy place for... um... photograph-oriented adult literature - you might want to consider a location with a lower noticability factor.
Finally, Pamela of Atlas Shrugs posts "A REAL New York Moment: Saddam's Skivvies" which has a pictoral guide from the New York Post of various undergarments that Saddam should consider as a replacement for his blighty-whities. Highly recommended.
Next week's Showcase will be held at Common Sense Run Wild. If your blog is 3 months old or less, submit your best post to showcase.carnival-at-gmail.com for posting in the next Monday's round-up. See the Showcase home page for details, and remember - you can use Ferdy's extremely convenient All-Purpose Carnival Submission Form to submit your entry information.
Also, Showcase is looking for hosts for future carnivals. See the Showcase Main Post for open dates.
May 27, 2005
Glenn Reynolds Interview: Overcoming Writer's Block
You ever have one of those days where you can't think of a damn thing to write? Sure! We all do! Just look at IMAO on any given weekend.
But does it HAVE to be this way?
Glenn Reynolds posts at least 666 times a day, so I figured if anyone would know how to defeat writer's block it would be Glenn. I arranged an interview with him recently where we discussed the subject. The transcript is in the extended entry.
HARV: So, Glenn, how DOES one overcome writer's block? Is it done - as you seem to do - by picking single-word commentary at random off a list of meaningless interjections, or is there something else to it?
GLENN: Actually, the key to overcoming writers block is mental stimulation
HARV: You mean like the energy you get from chugging a Chihuahua?
GLENN: No, no... puppy shakes are more of a physical stimulant. They're great if you need a little extra UMPH! for doing some high-kick spin-move while Robot Dancing, or if you're planning on smacking Frank J. around like a hooker who's skimming her trick money, but writer's block is more of a mental problem. It means something's not right in your brain, and it needs correcting.
HARV: Personally, I've always thought that about lawyers. So what IS a good mental stimulant?
GLENN: Well, writer's block is a VERY stubborn thing. You have to tap into the most primal of emotions to find the energy to break through. Fear, anger, hatred...
HARV: Are we talking about writing or becoming a Sith Lord?
GLENN: Ya know, if Lucas would've tapped the Dark Side a little more, we could've avoided Jar-Jar entirely. But the point is that stimulating these emotions causes a strong wave of mental force... it acts like a battering ram, and it smashes clean through writer's block.
HARV: Sorta like when Howard Dean hugged his inner idiot really hard and let his primal scream smash clean through his wall of restraint, dignity, and voter-appeal?
GLENN: Exactly... Here's one of my favorite block-busters.
HARV: Glenn... this is just a lame-ass car commercial... this SUCKS!... if I wanted to watch a car commercial, I'd watch that thing with Paris Hilton wearing a teddy while washing a car and eating a hamburger. At least SOMETHING would get stimulated...
HARV: ... or are you trying to tell me that boredom can help you break... AAAAAAAH! ZOMBIE! OH GOD! OH CRAP!
GLENN: Heh. Indeed. Stimulated yet?
HARV: If by stimulated you mean "wet my pants", then - yes. You bastard! Why didn't you tell me a zombie jumps up at the end? What kind of sick, twisted, sadistic monster ARE you?
HARV: Touché... But you know...I... I do feel like writing something...
HARV: Hmmmm... Heh... Indeed...
GLENN: Yes, my young apprentice... your journey to the Dark Side is now complete... Arise... Darth... Harvader.
HARVADER: INDEED... WHAT IS THY BIDDING, MY MASTER?
GLENN: You are to find Frank J. and punch him until he cries like a little girl. Shouldn't take more than one hit to the shoulder.
HARVADER: HEH... AS YOU WISH... [picks up Glenn and prepares to throw him down an air shaft]
GLENN: Wait! What are you doing!
GLENN: Nooooooooooooooo! [falls out of sight]
HARV: Heh. Sucker. Instapundo Delenda Est!
A Compromise by the 14 and 79 Cents Will Get You a Cup of Coffee
Great going you seven "maverick" Republicans who struck a deal on filibusters; already the Democrats are filibustering again. This time it’s on the man with the mustache, John Bolton, who the Democrats claim they "need more information on." They already paraded out everyone who was emotionally scarred by Bolton putting his hands on his hips in an angry manner; what else do they need? Testimony that he didn't refill the coffee pot after taking the last cup?
It's time for Frist to show some real leadership. That means asking for a special meeting with the seven Republicans who compromised and having it secretly filmed. As soon as they are all locked in one room, Frist should yell, "You are failures!" and then take out a bow staff and pummel the whole lot of them. When they're all writing on the ground, moaning in pain, Frist should tell them, "I lead the Senate! Disobey me again, and you shall not be so lucky again."
That there's leadership.
One surprising thing about the compromise was that Hagel wasn't part of the seven Republicans. He's taking a harder line, but I ain't falling for it. As soon as he saw McCain on T.V., I'm sure he yelled, "But I wanted to be the one admit surrender to the Democrats!" Now he has to take a tougher line just to be different from Mr. Maverick himself. I'm sure the next time there is a conflict, Hagel will be capitulating to the Democrats so fast it will make our heads spin.
Does he really think there is a chance in hell of him being nominated in '08, that Republicans will be so scattered and Democrat-dumb as to make him our lead man? If that actually happened, it might be enough to make me vote Democrat.
Unless, of course, Hagel is running against Hilary; then expect IMAO to promote Hagel like he's the second coming of Christ.
Have a great weekend, y'all. Expect the Big New Thing™ from IMAO to appear any time now.
RWD's News Round-Up
I’m RightWingDuck and I’m here to share the news.
I’ve been away for so long that I feel a bit nervous. But as my speech teacher used to say, “Whenever you feel nervous, it's helpful to imagine Saddam Hussein in his underwear.”
In England, a newspaper published photographs of Saddam Hussein in his underwear, folding his clothing . Authorities have no idea who snapped the picture and are investigating. One thing for sure, it wasn’t taken on a Saturday. Saturday is thong day.
Good News for Saddam. He will be filing a lawsuit against the paper.
I’d like to offer this observation about the Saddam picture: I always thought the word dictator was one word.
People always talked about the man’s meanstreak. Turns out it’ll come out with a little bit of Clorox bleach.
Ironically enough, it may be the last picture of Saddam that has him with clean underwear.
I don’t mind the picture of Saddam. But did they have to snap 50 pictures of him putting on body lotion? shiver::
I still don’t understand why Star Wars Fans get all dressed up. I mean, if you were going to see Jane Fonda in Monster In Law – would you go dressed as a commie bitch?
Sorry. That was out of line.
Anyway, authorities are making busts left and right on all of these pirated copies of the new Star Wars film. Can you believe that? The movie is already being sold by street hustlers everywhere. Thankfully, the busts are easy to make: Look for a street vendor. Then look for a customer in a Darth Vader costume.
Burt Reynolds made the news at the premier of his new movie. As you know, his movie is a remake of the 1970’s football film called The Longest Yard. At the premier, Burt playfully slapped a producer who told him that he had never seen the original film.
Now the question is this: Was Burt being playful? The video footage is sketchy. He’s had so much plastic surgery, it’s hard to make out any facial expression. Heck, it’s hard to tell if the man is sleeping.
In fact, publicists should blame the surgery for the slap. The skin is so tight, every time he raises his eyebrows, his right arm flings out “whap”.
I looked at that footage. How come nobody in line is wearing football gear?
The first movie, in my opinion, is one of the best football movies ever made. Hard to believe Burt is now in his 60’s.
Here’s a weird bit. An Alabama great-grandmother, age 57, recently gave birth to twins.
It’s so special when you and your babies enjoy the same soft food.
Why did she have even more kids so late in life? According to my made up sources, they love kids. It’s just that with their bad eyesight they keep misplacing them. But they’re there somewhere. They’ll find them.
Not that it’s all easy. All the fussing. All the diaper changes. And then there’s the babies…and their fussing, and their diapers.
It’s really the same job as Air America, isn’t it? Screaming about Republicans until you're blue in the face. At least in the Senate chambers he’d have more listeners.
Thanks. That's all for today. Lots of good stuff in the works. Announcement. Believe it or not, the RWD site has a new post!!! I know. I'm shocked too.
Anway. I can't hear you laugh. So let me know what got a chuckle out of you.
Open letter to Senator Santorum
Dear Senator Santorum,
It was with great disappointment and sadness this morning that I learned that two days before you introduced a bill that critics say would restrict the National Weather Service, your political action committee received a $2,000 donation from the chief executive of a leading provider of weather data. I think this alleged action makes the Republicans look bad at a time when we can ill afford any more political setbacks.
In the future, Senator, I would encourage you to refuse to put any bill forward for less than a $50,000 contribution. It's a sad day when a Senator's vote can be purchased for such a fiddling sum--it makes the whole party look shabby and cheap. I have it on good authority that the going rate for Senator Schumer, who has four years less seniority than you, is at least $100,000 (in a brown envelope passed under the table no less). I doubt that a measley $2,000 contribution would even get you a seat at a table near the kitchen door at a Senator Kennedy fundraiser, much less get a bill introduced in Congress.
Further, accepting a $2,000 contribution creates confusion. That sum is so low, that I doubt that most Senators would realize he has been "bought off" by its acceptance. Please do better in the future.
Your loyal subject,
May 26, 2005
Carnival Of Comedy Five
I was thinking about this weeks Carnival of Comedy (heh) and I thought 'should I go through the effort to make a quasi-humorous lead-in for the fifth Carnival of Comedy? [ed note: There are actually somtimes html links in my thoughts] Or should I just let the funny speak for itself?"
After thinking about this for a while, I decided to let the funny speak for itself.
Then I decided that just a bunch of links would make me look stupid and lazy. Not wanting to look stupid and lazy any more than I already do, I decided to do what I've done here that you are now finished reading.
This Weeks Carnival of Comedy.
The Evil Emperor Mindstation at Point Five presents Conservatives Develop Deadly Pie Throwing Techniques
Korgmeister at Bullet Holed Messenger presents Photo Essay: [Bleep] Dirty Hippies at the VSU Protest [L]
Kelly at Time to Lean presents Actual places my demented patients wanted to go tonight
Laura (IMAO Regular and prank afficianado) presents Great Droid
Falco Jugger at JuggerBlog presents How Well Do You Know Your American Anthropormorphisms?
That does it for this week. Thanks for playing, reading, linking and laughing.
Compliments on the carnival are welcome in the comments.
Suggestions for making the Carnival better and recommendations for where to stick/shove/[bleep] the Carnival are welcome at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Next week's Carnival of Comedy will be here again. Yay!
Be Afraid, Be Moderately Afraid
The Gang of Fourteen - shall the republic fall because of their arrogance and foolishness?
There are those out there who want to overthrow our government and our country. They want to destroy everything we have, take everything we own. All our progress will collapse to ruins if they have their way.
And then they shall replace it all with something pretty much the same.
This danger is the moderate extremists. They are a growing force in politics and why the fourteen came together. The fourteen wished to appease these moderates out of fear of the violence the moderate extremists may or may not use based on whether some sort of consensus can be reached. They have fourteen of our senators in their grasp now, and may soon have more. With enough power, they'll turn America into some sort of moderacracy, and then we'll all be doomed... or, at least, bored.
The moderates are the pawns of Satan. They march over all the traditions we have, and, if any oppose them, they'll take his views into consideration along with all others. They cannot be reasoned with - or they can be reasoned with too much. They are vicious, ruthless, backstabbing, and extremely boring to read about unless lots of hyperbole is used. And they love hyperbole, as it scares people to the mushy middle from which they draw their unholy powers.
These fiends - these moderates - are everywhere. But how can you identify them? They use phrases such as, "I think both sides have valid points here," "Let's consider all viewpoints," and, "Perhaps by reaching a compromise, we can end all this arguing."
What to do if you find a moderate? Notify the FBI, and, whatever you do, don't back up from your extreme viewpoints when confronted by one. What moderates desire is to be liked by everyone, but you must hate them. It's hard, because they seem boring and innocuous, but you must hate them with every fiber of your being. Also, hit them with sticks. While being angry, they may somewhat agree they should be hit with sticks just to confuse you, but don't fall for it. We must chase all these moderates with their stick-beaten faces out of regular society and leave America to the extremists as God intended.
If it leads to open civil war, the war is what they'll get. And, as the moderates charge with their battle cry of, "There's still time to compromise!" be steadfast and not let fear take hold of you. The future lies with us, the extremists, and all the mainstream exists for is to wash away the weak.
Be honorable, ronin - honorable to the extreme!
What Caliber Is Best to Take Down a Documentary Film Maker?
During the concealed carry class I took with SarahK, we were told the lethal force is allowed to prevent a forcible felony, and that treason counts as a forcible felony. So does that mean if Michael Moore comes to Florida and tries to play one of his movies, I can shoot him?
Also, when the new law comes into effect Oct 1st here in Florida, if someone breaks into my house, sees me with my gun and raises his hands and yells, "Don't shoot!" I can execute him right then and there and the law can't touch me.
Frank says: "Just because you are legally able to shoot someone, doesn't mean its right. If, after consulting with a lawyer, you are able to determine you can legally shoot Michael Moore, just blast his kneecaps because that is funnier."
Zarqawi Signs Form 180 - Releases Military Records
At an awards ceremony in Baghdad today, wounded terrorist Abu Musab al-Zarqawi accepted his third Purple Heart from Al Qaeda and announced that had signed form 180, releasing his military records for public inspection.
"Unlike certain American infidel politicians, I have nothing to hide from my people," said Zarqawi, "except perhaps the occasional roadside explosive device."
Iraqi's new President, however, was dubious. "I question the timing of this," said Iraqi President Jalal Talabani. "He could have just as easily released his records during the invasion and quelled the rumors that the wound which earned him his second Purple Heart was sustained while attempting to mate with a goat."
Zarqawi insisted that he earned the disputed Purple Heart in the line of duty. "I did NOT have sexual relations with that goat, Fatima!" said Zarqawi. "I was merely trying to subdue an American spy for the glory of Allah!"
"Besides," added Zarqawi, "it was purely consensual! You can ask Osama! He was there!"
Zarqawi's Commander-in-Chief, Osama Bin Laden, could not be reached for comment as he is presently in hiding, cleverly disguised as a bloody stain on the walls of a Tora Bora cave.
May 25, 2005
What is the IMAO Humor Guarantee?
If any IMAO post does not make you laugh, the next post is FREE!
Well, at least the news is giving me plenty of material for when I get to regular blogging tomorrow. Now, another message for our sponsors.
Just want to remind everyone that the blogads help pay for the quality you come to expect from IMAO. I don't get money for how many times they are clicked or a percentage of what they sell; they pay a flat fee for ad space. Still, the least you can do if you enjoy IMAO is make sure to check out each advertiser.
I'd like to specifically mention the advertiser in the Patron spot - Realm Dekor - the proprietor of which has bought another weeks time there. Some had dismissed the advertiser as some liberal not paying attention to where she was advertising since there are those who associate anything trendy or artistic with liberalism. There is no truth to that, and what's more conservative than good 'ole capitalism? And conservatives come in all stripes - even funky colored ones.
That brings me to my next topic: Brian Anderson sent me a review copy of South Park Conservatives: The Revolt Against Liberal Media Bias which talks about a new generation of conservatives (NRO interview with Brian Anderson is here). I set down my copy of The Moon is a Harsh Mistress which my brother lent me and will get to reading that soon. I used to be a big South Park fan (I still quote the "Underwear Gnome" episode from time to time), but haven't watched the new episodes the past couple years. Is it still worth watching?
BTW, if anyone else wants to send me free stuff, I now have a P.O. Box. There's no better way to get publicity than sending me free stuff.
Did I have something else I wanted to say? Guess I could hype what's coming up this weekend again... nah, too tired.
Be honorable, ronin.
Blog Solves Double Homicide in NYC
Jin Lin, a 23 year-old Chinese national living in NYC robbed and murdered Simon and Sharon Ng, his former girlfriend and her brother, to finance his escape back to Hong Kong. Lin thought he committed the perfect crime: murder his former girlfriend and her brother, steal their money, and fly back to the safety of Red China...
New York's Finest knew Lin was lying to them when they checked Simon Ng's blog and found a post that placed Lin at the scene of the crime and nullified Lin's alibi. Lin then confessed to the crime.
Blogs: Helping Solve Murders Since 2005
Only Michelle could get away with asking questions about this murderer's legal U.S. residency status because, you know, Michelle Malkin is kinda Asian looking and stuff...
Busy, Tired, and Hungry
Didn't get home until midnight yesterday because of a gun class I took with SarahK, and I'm really busy today, so not looking like you'll get a post out of me unless I can find time for a breather.
Entertain yourself by seeing how many times you can refresh my webpage in an hour and then try to beat that the next hour.
Or try to find out what nukethemoon.com is about (I have no idea).
And try to speculate what is the huge, awesome project we will be unveiling in time for Memorial Day Weekend (one so awesome you will want to bow down and worship all writers for IMAO as gods).
Carnival Of Comedy Reminder
Here's the deal:
Entry Deadline tonight.
Questions? Check the FAQ.
Personally, I think the quality of the entries keeps going up. How long can the trend continue? I'm guessing for a while, at least.
May 24, 2005
New Form Of US Government
Today, with the so-called filibuster 'compromise', a new form of goverment is being ushered in. A form of government characterized by the majority party caving in to the whim of the minority party.
The mighty bowing to the will of the weak.
The many telling the few "We've got you outnumbered and surrounded... we're coming out with our hands up.'
The lion telling the mouse 'I've got an ouchie, you win.'
This hopefully shortlived age when those in the majority will kowtow to those in the minority will no doubt be known as the Age of the American Idiocracy.
One shudders in fear at what will transpire next in the Age of the Idiocrat.
Only time will tell, if the Democrats allow it to that is.
Comprised Be the Damned
The saints weep and the devil smiles at that word.
There was a compromise reached on the judicial filibusters, with the "maverick" McCain leading the way and the senile Byrd mumbling of a victory for the republic. All he needs is a hood and he'd be Palpatine.
Wait, he has a hood...
Only the wicked and the foolish celebrate a compromise as a victory, for is there any doubt that compromise be the main tool of Satan himself? Can God compromise? Can Jesus compromise? They only know of good, and can never temporarily dabble in evil for the cause of later good. The righteous seek goodness in both their means and their end.
But for the devil, nothing prevents him for allowing good if he can get others to allow a bit of evil with it. Only he could have invented compromise, and doubt not that he uses it daily. "The path of good is hard, so why not accept just a little evil to make it easier?" he whispers in your ear. And gradually, through compromise, he gets his victims to mix some black with their white until they end up with an ever darkening gray.
So know that compromise be an evil word. That's why it is said that when one strays from the straight and narrow he has "compromised his principles." And when stuck in evil you be, they say you are in a "compromising position." When you hear politicians have "compromised," it should thus make you cringe.
Yes, Satan seeks the extremes of evil, but wily be the tempter. Were he a politician, no doubt he would pose himself as a moderate, slowly moving the "center" until it is all within his evil grasp.
Beware the compromise, my friend. Always signed in blood and smelling of brimstone, they are. Perhaps politically we are all still safe, but, without steadfast courage, such safety is always compromised.
Be honorable, ronin, and never let your honor be the subject of compromise.
Payback for Newsweek
(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
I got news for "journalist" Michael Isikoff & his crew: you mess with the pajamas, you're gonna feel the flannel. But I suppose there are... "consequences" that might appease the blogosphere's wrath, as I describe in the extended entry:
* Parade Michael Isikoff around in his tightie-whitie underwear - a fate befitting ALL evil men.
* Flush Newsweek down a toilet.
* OOPS! Just got a call from People for the Ethical Treatment of Toilets. Guess we can't do that one.
* Give old copies of Newsweek to the troops for target practice. Technically that's targeting journalISM, so that's ok.
* If the troops do well at that, they can graduate to targeting actual journalists.
* Newsweek reporters will only be allowed to use fat pencils and blunt-point scissors until they learn how to act like adults.
* Just like on a rear-view mirror, Newsweek should have to give warning about their distortion: "Caution: Journalists in Newsweek are untrustworthier than they appear."
* Explain to Newsweek that a Koran - which is about the size of a human head - is too big to be flushed down a toilet.
* Demonstrate this by sticking Isikoff's head in a toilet and flushing repeatedly. Yay! Swirly!
* New Fox TV show: "When Animals Attack Crappy Journalists"
* Make the Newsweek staff actually READ the Koran so that they'll understand WHY it should be flushed.
* As should ANY long, boring book, like Bill Clinton's "My Life" or Dr. Suess's "Horton Hears a Who".
* Come on, admit it - you thought Horton was WAY too preachy, too.
* Pack 'em onto the short bus & ship 'em off to Remedial Journalism School.
* Then burn down the building while they're inside.
* Strict program of negative reinforcement - neglect to verify a source and get a cattle-prod in the privates - ZAP! ZAP!
* Heh. That was fun - ZZZZZAP!
* Rope, stakes, anthill, honey - some assembly required.
And if you don't leave a comment explaining what you want to see happen to the cast and crew of Newsweek, I guess that means the terrorists have won.
Howard Stern steals from Frank J.
Poor Howard. The self-described "King" has so much money now that he's become lazy and has stooped so low as to steal material from Frank J.
Several people have told me that Stern had an Arnold Schwarzenegger impersonator call in to suggest "blowing up the moon" to Stern. Apparently some people were even fooled into thinking The Governator was serious about destroying the Earth's diminutive sister, Luna.
Running out on your wife and kids was bad enough, but to steal material from Frank J. and IMAO without proper credit? That's pathetic, Howard.
In My World: Bush Blog Part II
* * * *
The evil media moguls sat at the meeting room in the hollowed out Volcano just outside of Atlanta.
"The bloggers call us arrogant and biased!" complained one, "but being dismissive to those right-wing nuts hasn't quieted those charges."
"We even got our own bloggers out there to push forward our psychotic, left-wing agenda," said another, "such as Markos Zuniga of Daily Kos."
"Zuniga blog good!" Zuniga cried out as he danced around, "Now give Zungia cookie!"
A cookie was thrown on to the ground, and Zuniga eagerly grabbed it and gobbled it up.
"How much has he helped?" the Newsweek editor asked.
"He's less than useless."
"Well, we were planning to do a whole series on Koran flushings," the Newsweek editor said, "but with the current atmosphere of people actually checking whether or not what we say is true, we can't do it. I have a new plan, though, to discredit all the bloggers, and I'll need all your help. Muh ha ha ha!"
* * * *
"...and that completes the list of congressmen I'm pretty sure are gay," Bush read aloud before clicking to publish his new blog post.
Laura came by the door of the Oval Office. "Shouldn't you be at a meeting?"
"Too busy blogging," Bush answered, "I think I'm going to hit over a hundred visitors today. It's weird; I find the more often I check my sites for visits, the more I have."
"I also have a question on your clothing choice," Laura continued, "Ronald Reagan had so much respect for the Oval Office that he never took his suit jacket off while in it. Clinton also followed Reagan's lead, but he wasn't as strict on keeping his pants on while in here. But you - you're wearing pajamas."
"I'm showing my solidarity with other bloggers," Bush said, standing up and proudly showing his pajamas adorned with duckies.
Cheney ran into the room and turned on the T.V. "You have to see this."
"It better be a cartoon," Bush answered.
On T.V. stood a scholarly looking person talking to a reporter. "My conclusive study shows exactly how disturbed bloggers are," the professor said, "Bloggers, on average, are prone to violence, dementia, and drinking smoothies made from cute animals. Just think about it; with all the quality news and opinion given by the mainstream media, who would want to express his or her own voice? An extremely crazed and dangerous individual; that's who."
"So, should we fear bloggers?" the reporter asked.
"Most definitely. They must be hunted down and stopped before they destroy society. Now, they'll probably respond to all this by charging that I don't have any actual credentials, that my study if flawed, and my data is made up..."
"Is any of that true?" the reporter inquired.
"That's not the point! The point is that bloggers should not be listened too!"
"This guy is appearing on all the newscasts," Cheney told Bush.
"Everyone is going to think I'm a nut since I have a blog." Bush turned to the door. "Scott!" he shouted.
White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan came running. "What do you need?"
"Tell the press I'm not crazy."
"But they never listen to me," Scott whined, "and they call me 'fatty'."
"That's because you're fat," Bush responded, "Now go!" Bush started typing on his computer. "Now I have to blog harder than ever before to answer these charges. Laura, you help me, because you're better at writing death threats than I am."
* * * *
"Most people, not sure what blogs are, are turning against bloggers," said anchorman, "They're trusting people like me, who have great hair, compared to deranged individuals you can't see the hair of. Now, with reports that President Bush has a blog, even Republicans are turning against him - and not just media whores like Hagel."
Senator Bill Frist appeared on screen. "If the President really is a deranged blogger, then maybe he is wrong on his court nominees and social security and even the war."
Senator Rick Santorum was next on screen. "I'm against all unnatural things, whether it be sodomy or blogging."
"In an effort to protect the public," the anchorman continued, "the police are rounding up the most dangerous bloggers. At the University of Tennessee, law professor Glenn Reynolds of Instapundit.com was told to surrender, to which he answered, 'Heh.' When asked if this was going to lead to a violent confrontation, he answered, 'Indeed.' Currently, Reynolds is at the highest point at the University of Tennessee, shooting at police cars."
Bush turned off the T.V. "Now I'll never get a link from Instapundit!" He checked his laptop. "No, he's still posting. Must have brought a wireless laptop along with his sniper rifle. Isn't technology wonderful!"
The hooded figure of Karl Rove emerged from the shadows. "It is prophesized in the Book of Punditry that a sphere will threaten those who try to control the flow of the stream of knowledge, but, if the masses turn against the sphere, then the leader of the elephants will fall."
"That's it then!" Bush declared, "I have to prove to everyone that, even though I blog, I'm not a crazed individual. And the best way to do that..." Bush put on his gun belt. "...is to slaughter everyone who disagrees with me."
"I might have a better idea," Laura declared.
"Aww!" Bush groaned, "Not another solution to a problem that doesn't involve violence!"
TO BE CONCLUDED...
May 22, 2005
Joe Foo' Back to the Safety of Fallujah
Was woken up this morning at 6am by a phone call.
It was Sgt. Joe Foo' USMC!
Hadn't heard from him in twelve days since he was going on some big mission. He finally got back from it and said it was a big success with his group making intelligence finds, finding a huge weapons cache, and even catching one of the guys from the deck of cards (remember those?) with his tank.
One of his friends was seriously injured, though, and has already been transported back to the States.
Anyway, keep the Foo' in your prayers. He's doing his best out there.
May 21, 2005
Ducky's Dozen - Women in Combat
Recently Frank J. asked us to comment on women in combat. This got me into some really deep, instropective thinking. The kind that makes you shudder so badly you almost spill your beer. Yes, that would indeed be a remarkable change - but WHAT exactly could we expect to be different? My thoughts...
If Women Were in Combat. What changes could we expect?..
12. Camouflauge paint made by Mary Kay. With Moisturizers and SPF-15
11. Rifles in designer colors with “fingernail friendly” triggers.
10. It would mark the first time a soldier ever said, “Does this Flak Jacket make me look fat?”
9. His and Hers Night Vision Goggles..
8. Interrogations carried out in a warm, nurturing manner.
7. Killings carried out in a warm, nurturing manner.
6. Chocolate issued as a combat field ration. In every meal.
5. Every third raid would be “Ladies’ Raid” (Shoot one get one free)
4. One week out of the month – they would be more dangerous than ARmy Rangers. But less emotional.
3. I don’t know. Who do YOU want to kill tonight?
2. More combat sweaters. 120 degrees? Is it me or is it cold?
And the number one change we'd have if women were in combat...
1. Soldiers wouldn’t need GPS. “Excuse me, sir? We’re looking for Fallujah?”
Disclaimer: Ducky did not mean any direct offense to any females. Especially, MRS. Ducky. Although rifles do come in designer colors, that doesn't mean you should point them at people. Always wear a sweater when it's cold, even when in the desert. Neither RWD nor IMAO condone torture in interrogations. Unless "they fell". Mary Kay cosmetics is not a subsidiary of IMAO. IMAO is not a subsidiary of Mary Kay. How does one spell subsidiary? I really should invest in spell check.
May 20, 2005
Introduction of XM-8 Assault Rifle Shelved Due to Inability to Target Journalists
The Army announced today that it's putting the introduction of its new XM-8 assault rifle [video] on hold because troops testing it in the field have been unable to properly target journalists with it.
Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld was "disappointed" by the performance of the new weapon, which had been otherwise performing well. "The eXterminate the Media v.8.0 rifle was designed specifically for slaughtering reporters in Iraq. We'd been having problems with journalists pointing out the exact locations of American forces to terrorists so that they could get Pulitzer-caliber photos, and the preferred technique of strangling them wasn't taking the bastards out fast enough. The hope was that we could put into each soldier's hands the ability to kill these traitorous newsmonkeys at will."
Unfortunately, the poorly-designed targeting system of the XM-8 let far too many journalists escape unharmed. "According to that stupid tw... uh... twit... Linda Foley," continued Rumsfeld, "American Forces have only been able to eliminate 63 journalists, despite being trained from boot camp to double-tap anyone carrying a notepad or a video camera. Somehow the shots from the XM-8 always seem to hit to the left of the target. I suspect the DNC in general and Howard Dean in particular are behind this."
When asked about the future of the XM-8, Secretary Rumsfeld was non-committal, yet optimistic. "I'm pretty sure we can fix this problem," said Rumsfeld, donning a pair of black leather gloves, "by strangling Howard Dean. Now get the hell out of my way! This interview is over!"
DNC Chair Howard Dean was quick to deny allegations. In a recent press conference, he was quoted as saying, "They're killing journalists in Fallujah! and Baghdad! and Mosul! and the Sunni Triangle!...YEEEEEAAAAAARR... *GAK!*... *GRK!*... *ACK!*... HELP!... *gurgle*... *THUD!*
In other news... in Washington D.C. today, the hunt for the Rumsfeld Strangler continues. The latest victim was journalist Linda Foley, who was found mysteriously murdered next to a note reading, "I, Donald Rumsfeld, strangled this twit."
D.C. Police Detective Ian Competent reported that police are currently baffled, yet hopeful of getting a break in the case at any moment.
To Arianna, With Love... Evil Glenn
Odd little post at Instapundit today. Ya know, I was expecting Evil Glenn to be thoroughly upset by Arianna Huffington's upstart blog "The Huffington Post". I mean, you KNOW how he hates having anyone threaten his tyrannical rule of the blogosphere. However, I was surprised to discover that he's actually quite supportive of her efforts. In fact, he's even helped her out by ghost-writing her "Author's Bio" for her. I copied his efforts verbatim, and they're in the extended entry...
Arianna Huffington was born Arianna Stassinopoulos in Greece in 1950, the result of a failed gene-splicing experiment between a Shetland pony and a gyro. She moved to England at the tender age of 16, attending Cambridge University where she was president of the Tea Time Crumpet-Crunchers Society and graduated with a MA in Economics in 1972. Her classmates voted her both "Stuffiest Bint" and "Most Likely to Marry for Money".
After graduation, she shacked up with noted British politician Tarquin Fintimlimbimlimbimwhimbimlin Bus Stop Ftang Ftang Olay Biscuit Barrel (Silly Party). However, dreading the thought of acquiring a last name even more unspellable than "Stassinopoulos", she refused to marry him. She settled instead for draining his bank accounts to satisfy her hair-spray-inhaling addiction, and spending his last few Pounds on a plane ticket to America. There she hoped to whore herself to a new sugardaddy before her looks could dry up.
Like a cash-sucking remora, Arianna clamped onto money-shark Michael Huffington, taking his name in 1986 and the bulk of his fortune in the years following. In 1994, she conned Mike into giving her $30 million to "run his Senate campaign". And run it she did... into the ground. She spent not a single penny toward "get out the vote" efforts, instead squandering it on repeated - and increasingly hopeless - facelifts, 24-karat pedicures, and her now 5-can-a-day hairspray habit. This last giving new meaning to her nickname of "Huffy".
She went on to write several terrible books, none of which bear mentioning other than to note that they all set records for the speed with which they hit the bargain bin.
In 2003, she entered the California Governor's race, only to pull out shortly afterwards, due to the fact that - as election day neared - she was merely a statistical blip on the polls, 50 points behind frontrunner Arnold Schwarzeneggar, and a shocking 5 points behind even Slinky the Wonder Ferret.
Meanwhile, sales of Aqua-Net in California quadrupled, seemingly overnight.
Arianna's latest project is to collect cat-blogging stories from washed-up B-list celebrities and hack columnists. Currently her traffic stats are plummeting faster than Wile E. Coyote stepping off an Arizona mesa while holding an anvil.
This crushing defeat to her monstrous ego has led to increasing suspicions that she's moved past the gateway drug of hairspray. This video clearly... ok, NOT so clearly... shows her attending a recently held kitten-snorting party in a sleazy hotel for transients in East L.A.
Will she seek the help she so desperately needs, or will she descend into the depravity of puppy-blending? Keep checking The Huffington Post for the answer.
Or possibly the Betty Ford Center.
Damn... I wish Glenn were as supportive of MY blogging efforts. The only nice thing he's ever done for ME is call me "chaff".
[Hat tip to Physics Geek for finding the video]
Ducky's Dozen - 100 Days of Dean
Howard Dean has now been running the DNC for over 100 days. And since IMAO strives to educate as well as entertain – I thought I would take a minute to cover some of the impact Howard has had on the Democratic Party.
Ducky's Dozen Top Achievements of the First 100 Days of Howard Dean
11. New sign, it has been  days since my last meltdown.
10. Organized the first Democratic Survivors Council.
9. DNC lot now offers free Valet Parking. “Look for the smile and the bright blue vest.”
8. The Scream made the Best of the Worst of American Idol.
7. Eliminated the discriminatory “must be this tall” rule.
6. Launched a Democrats Job Creation program. “Come on down. We have plenty of blue vests.”
5. Helped the DNC apply for membership in the EU (European Union).
4. Exciting and fun Office Chair Races.
3. Replaced all the broken vending machines. Plus they now feature Mike and Ike Sours.
2. Saved 20% on long distance by switching to AT&T.
1. Taught the Republicans that Dreams to indeed come true.
Thank you, Mr. Dean. Please keep talking.
The Star Wars Quiz
Last night I tried to see a screening of the new Star Wars movie. I waited in line for 2 hours with a bunch of people in Yoda, Skywalker, and Darth Vader costumer. At least - I hope they were costumes.
Sadly, the box office ran out of tickets, so I sat in a movie theatre with 20 Dart Vaders watching Monster In Law. It was weird because whenever Jennifer Lopez got huffy and stormed away, I’d hear murmurs from the audience, “Yes, the force is strong in that one.”
Anyway, since I didn’t get to see the movie and share how wonderful it is.. I thought I’d test the IMAO readership to see how well YOU know your Star Wars movies.
RWD Presents – The Ultimate Star Wars Quiz!!
Question #1: In Chapter IV, we see Luke working on his R2D2 unit. We catch a glimpse of the inside panel and see a small sign. What does that sign say?
1. Hyundai Motor Corp.
Question #2: In Chapter IV, when the crew of the Millennium Falcon was awarded medals for bravery – why didn’t Chewbacca get one?
1. He did, but he ate it.
Question #3: How does Chewbacca manage to keep all that hair beautiful..
Question #4: After the ceremony, what did Chewbacca do?
1. Created a hit single – Wookie Nights.
1. May the force be with you
Question #6: C3PO – the lovable android companion of R2D2 had a funny walk. Why?
1. He was the android for the Department of Silly Android Walks
Question #7: Jar Jar Binks was..
1. An annoying character
Question #8: In Episode III, Darth Vader emerges from the pits of hell as an evil overlord. Who can we blame?
1. Himself. He has free will and chose evil.
Question #9: In Episode I, Young Anniken wins his freedom. How?
1. By singing better than Carrie or Bo.
Question #10: How was the Death Star destroyed?
1. Expired Warranty.
I hope that this information helps you to enjoy your next viewing of any of the Star Wars films.
As the Jedi Knights would say, “Are you going to finish that?”
Slow news day? Well, cry about Saddam's privacy rights!
To the Old Media, there's nothing exciting about U.S. Senate filibuster to block qualified judges or the fact that dozens of Muslims are dead because of a phony story slamming the American military. Yes, what the Old Media needs is a cause celeb and a drum to beat on a "slow news Friday."
To that end, alleged photos published in a British newspaper of Saddam Hussein in his tighty-whiteys are causing quite a stir. The London Daily Mail, who couldn't care less about the fake Newsweek story, whined that the "[s]ensational pictures of Saddam Hussein in his underwear" are now "reigniting the Iraqi prisoner abuse scandal."
Nothing against The Sun newspaper, but I gotta ask: Did anyone in the Old Media peeing in their panties over this awful violation of Saddam's privacy rights check to make sure this photo is real?
Maybe it's because I'm a man that grew up in Texas but I don't consider a publishing a snapshot of a wealthy murdering dictator having to fold his own clothes while behind bars as "prisoner abuse."
Prison abuse is severe beatings, poisoning food, stabbings, sodomy, and/or taking a black permanent marker to the prisoner while he's asleep (for example, the night before his court appearance, draw a Gene Simmons from KISS-like makeup pattern on the guy's face, write "I Got Buggered in Baghdad County Jail" on the front of his jumpsuit and arrows pointing down his back below the words "Glory Hole").
Now THAT'S prisoner abuse, you idiots in the Old Media. Check with me next time before you report, will ya?
Uthe the Fourth! Carnival of Comedy (Week 4)
Hah! You thought I was going to go on
That well is, while maybe not gone dry, definitely starting to get a little muddy.
Or maybe you thought I was going to use 'th''s instead of 's''s. Well maybe I did but just in the title.
So since it's late, I'll skip the usual spacemonkey blather. There is your 4th Carnival of Comedy. Now fortified with small bitesize spacemonkey nuggets!
A Top 10 List usually has, well, 10 items. This one has, um, well, less.
He's definitely onto something there.
Patriot Xeno, thinker.
Runaway Bride - Runaway Libido
Senator Walters has figured out how to run a restaurant on a low ad budget. Looks like the legal bills will, well you'll see.
Self descriptive. Really.
Rob B. at File it Under presents Stiffy Sack Strengthens Shaft Shape Sustaining Sexual Stimulation [PG-13 by Rob's own admission]
This probably applies to any scientfic conference.
Know the truth about Fireworks and fight the ignorance being spread by the pansy main stream media.
Written, apparently, especially for the Carnival of Comedy, a tribute/ripoff of IMW. Thief!
That's it. Lotsa good funny this time.
Want to be in the next Comedy of Carnival? Why would you want to? This is the Carnival of Comedy. An entirely different ordering of the words 'of' 'carnival' and 'comedy'. I don't even know what a comedy of carnival is. Sounds silly.
Go to the Carnival of Comedy FAQ page for more info on being part of the upcoming Carnival of COMEDY.
Why Do I Have to Make the Funny Everyday?
The subject of women in combat is in the news again, and I know there has to be some jokes there... maybe enough for a top ten list.
But I'm too busy and important to figure that out now. So, make your own jokes on the subject in the comments.
IMAO Wouldn't Exist Without Our Sponsors Because I Only Care About Money
Yeah, another support the sponsors post. I don't care if you hate these; you're reading it.
First off, always make sure to check out my blog ads. Currently in the Patron spot is Realm Dekor for really hip home furnishings and accessories. Me, I'm not very hip. I was once thrown out of Target for not being cool enough to shop there.
Also, I received the new IMAO U.N. Slogan t-shirts last week, and they are great looking like all the shirts from ThoseShirts.com (which has a lot of new designs). Remember, for every IMAO t-shirt you buy, a portion of the proceeds go towards paying off the huge debt I'm incurring from the engagement ring, wedding, and honeymoon.
Finally, free stuff! Brian J., Peace Gallery Alumni, blogger of Musings from Brian J. Noggle, and proprietor of JC T-Shirts, sent me two free Beware of Conservative shirts. I wore it to a range trip over the weekend while SarahK wore a U.N. Slogan shirt. Now that I have a P.O. Box, maybe I should put that out there so more people can send me free stuff... but not free letter bombs. I have enough of those.
Remember, honorable ronin support those who support IMAO.
BTW, the super big new IMAO project should be ready for next weekend. I hope everyone will enjoy this addition to IMAO, and, for all the worry-worts, it will have no effect on day to day posting.
May 19, 2005
Links of the Day
MDG (blogson of yours truly, and oh yeah, kicking terrorist pinkytoe in Iraq) weighs in on the Newsweak fiasco.
Humor Delayed is Humor Denied
Top 10 Excuses the IMAO Carnival of Comedy will not be posted today.
10. Democratic filibustering in the Senate prevented an up or down posting.
9. Since Newsweak originally fact checked it, I had to have it all re-re-re-checked. Ended up just flushing it.
8. I had to be taped back together to repair Carnival related side-splittage.
7. I spent night in jail after threatening to Force choke the guy at the tiicket window who told me they were 'sold out' for the midnight showing of Episode III.
6. Out all night looking for my puppy only to find it was the vicitim of a drive by blending.
5. Was too devastated that Vonzell got sent home last night on AI.
4. Taken hostage by mimes, who in turn were unable to communicate their demands to the authorities, an hours long empasse ensued.
3. Holding "Laugh Out" and no Carnival of Comedy will be posted until Kerry signs his 180.
2. I was Visciously Attacked by Linda Ronstadt when she discovered I am a Christian, a Republican and not an actual monkey.
And the number one excuse the IMAO Carnival of Comedy will not be posted today.
1. My dog deleted it.
The Carnival of Comedy is not ready yet, I apologize for the delay.
I fell asleep last night when I was working on it and haven't yet been able for redo what I lost when my laptop battery died during my peaceful, albeit unscheduled slumber.
Remember kids, saving your work frequently means never having to say your sorry. Well maybe not never, but it works in this case.
I could have redone it today at work, but I had to, how to put a fine point on this, work.
Again, I am sorry but I will have it posted first thing in the A.M.
The Whitler Returns
Who loves reading essays by Bill Whittle? Me neither. They're so long plus Whitler never answers my e-mails anymore.
Remember: Average Movie Tickets=$10
From a previous post you know that I am going to see the new Star Wars movie but only because I'm not directly paying for the ticket. The company I work for at my day job is paying, but that doesn't mean that George Lucas is somehow not being paid for me to see his probably very crappy movie...
...nothing's free, pal. The only way I could get away with denying Lucas money is to buy a ticket for The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy at the multiplex and then sit down in the theater showing Episode III. That's not gonna happen because my company has already paid for the tickets and my "pay for the Hitch; ditch the Sith" idea didn't go over very well with the HR people at the company.
I know that Lucas is a rich limo lefty that has hated Republicans since his film school days in the 1970s and that makes me want to avoid contributing to any affirmation on his so-called art with a projected $120 million box office weekend.
My only consolation is to know that the only reason why his last three movies have had box office success is the fact that the average movie ticket is five to ten times what it was twenty years ago (thankfully we haven't seen that same kind of inflation rate on bread, milk, or computers).
Yeah, it's not much of a consolation, but unless every IMAO fan is willing to deny Lucas his cash by purchasing a ticket to The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy this weekend and then walk into Episode III, I'll have to take what I can get.
In My World a Long Time Ago in a Galaxy Far, Far Away: Star Operation Freedoms
"Mace Rumsfeld, how can you justify the attack on Geonosis when there was no attack by them against us first?" asked a reporter.
A low rumbling was heard, and all the press grasped at their throats and fell dead to the ground.
"These press conferences take too long," Mace Rumsfeld grumbled.
* * * *
In a world of betrayal...
"We can only defeat the evil Anti-Trade Federation if we have a united front at home," Dubya Skywalker said, "That means getting good judges into the galactic judiciary."
"Uh-oh," Obi Wan Cheney grumbled, "Just look at the holo-television."
On screen was Jar-Jar Hagel talking to the press. "Meesa not so sure meesa support Skywalker. Meesa thinks the 'thermal-detonator' option is too harsh. Meesa maverick."
Dubya Skywalker drew his lightsaber. "I'LL MURDER HIM DEAD!"
* * * *
...in a world of doubt...
Obi Wan Cheney heard the sound of jetpack behind him and turned just in time to draw his lightsaber and block multiple laser blasts. Floating above him was the infamous liberal reporter, Jango Fett. "You will answer questions about how this war is all about your tibanna gas interests."
"Go to hell," Obi Wan Cheney responded, "and you can quote me on that."
Jango Fett shot out a cord that wrapped around Cheney and then fired his jetpack, dragging Cheney along the ground.
"This can't be good for my heart..."
* * * *
...in a world of growing darkness...
"I don't know who I can trust, Master Yoda," Dubya Skywalker pleaded.
"Mmm, fallen to the Democrat side many have," Yoda answered, "Weak and whiny its powers are, but with it much favorable press attention does come."
* * * *
...in a world of enemies...
"I know you've fallen to the Democrat side, Count Reid," Dubya Skywalker declared, "and are helping the Anti-Trade Federation. You better turn now before you end up like Darth Daschle."
"Perhaps we can make some sort of compromise," Count Reid offered.
"I'll compromise..." Bush drew his lightsaber, "after I MURDER YOU DEAD!"
* * * *
...a hero must step forth.
"I am ready, Yoda," Dubya Skywalker said. "Make me a Jedi Master,"
"Too perilous for you to face the Sith Witch, Darth Rodham," Yoda answered, "And ready you are not. Too impulsive you are. Stupid you be. Even worse with grammar than I is you. Plus, too emotional you are."
"Emotional!" Dubya Skywalker screamed, "I'LL MURDER ALL YOU JEDI DEAD!"
* * * *
"Kill them! Kill them all!" the hooded figure of Darth Rove screamed.
"I dunno; I have a bad feeling about this," Dubya Skywalker said. "And there's a question I've been meaning to ask you for a while: Are you evil?"
"No, young Jedi," Darth Rove answered, smiling a jagged smile, "Why would you think such a thing?"
"Because you're always plotting and advising me to slaughter everyone."
Darth Rove let out a bone-chilling laugh. "I only have your best interests in mind." A cute little puppy walked by, and Darth Rove shot out lighting from his finger tips and fried it, laughing insanely the whole time.
"Well, as long as we're clear on you not being evil," Dubya Skywalker said as he walked off.
* * * *
"This is it!" Dubya Skywalker yelled, "Obi Wan Cheney, you fight the Jedi fallen to the Democrat side. Mace Rumsfeld, you hold off the droid armies. I'll take on Darth Rodham."
Dubya Skywalker and Obi Wan Cheney drew their lightsabers, but Mace Rumsfeld just stood there. "Back when I was young, Jedi didn't have these fancy little glow sticks," Mace Rumsfeld grumbled, "We did fine beating off evil with a stick."
"Just fight the droids, Mace Rumsfeld," Obi Wan Cheney pleaded.
"Bah! I'm tired and I'm taking a nap."
* * * *
"Foolish Jedi!" screeched Darth Rodham, "You cannot stop me! Soon I’ll manipulate the public to accept me as their leader, and the galaxy will be under my control!"
Dubya Skywalker stood his ground, holding his lightsaber ready. "Not if I MURDER YOU DEAD!"
A low rumbling was heard, and then a lamp flew through the air and struck Dubya Skywalker in the face.
"Son of a..."
* * * *
STAR OPERATION FREEDOMS - COMING SOON TO A THEATER NEAR YOU!
* * * *
"Now, I'll answer questions for Dubya Skywalker," C3P-McClellan said, "and, I remind you, I'm fluent in over 6 million forms of communication."
"How does Dubya Skywalker give comfort to the families of the clone troopers sent out in this deadly and unneeded war?" asked one reporter.
"Well, since they're clones, they don't have families. Next question."
"Rarrrrgerrwar!" asked the reporter from the Kashyyyk Daily.
"I don't think there is any reason to bring up Abu Grahib again," C3P-McClellan answered, "Anyway, those were dismantled droid troopers in those photos."
"Currently, planet Usa is in violation of a number of provisions laid out by the United Planets by it having more than one distinct climate. Are there any plans to address that?"
"It is being discussed at this time," C3P-McClellan replied, "Any other questions?"
"How do you respond to charges that the previous two administrations really sucked in comparison to the next three administrations?"
May 18, 2005
RWD's News Round-Up, Wednesday Night
I'm RightWingDuck and I'm here to share the news.
Guess what? Los Angeles has a new mayor. It’s Antonio Villaraigosa, the first Latino we’ve had running the city in over a century.
He beat the incumbent Mayor - Mayor Hahn, by being able to connect with the minorities here in LA. Or as we call them – White People.
Not much of a choice. We had a liberal Incumbent versus a liberal challenger.
Personally, I’ve never voted Democrat, but maybe one day before I die – I will. Or in the Dems case, maybe I will AFTER I die.
Latino: Excuse me, sir?
Mayor V: Yes?
Latino: I’m very proud. I’d like to shake your hand.
Mayor V: Sure thing.
Lady: Excuse me, sir?
Mayor V: Yes, ma’am?
Lady: I can’t find my waitress; can you get me some ice water?
In England, the mystery of the “Piano Man” continues. Have you heard about this? A man was found wandering around and taken in. He doesn’t speak, but spends hours a day playing the piano. Authorities are trying to figure out who he is - and how much they should tip.
A Polish man who worked as a mime stepped forward saying that they may have worked together in the past. Information is coming slowly, but so far they’ve figured out that the piano guy has had a hard life and has spent a lot of time trapped in a box –which seems to get smaller and smaller.
They are still trying to figure something out about a hurricane…
This guy is getting a ton of publicity. Maybe I should become the crazy, silent bad joke person.
“In news today, authorities found a man who won’t speak unless it’s to utter really bad jokes. Reports are that his t-shirt advocates detonating a nuclear device on the moon. We go to our field reporter – Wendy…”
Here’s some good news, Scientists think they have found an herb that can help reduce binge drinking
Unfortunately, the herb is Marijuana.
Just kidding!. The herb is called kudzu.
Scientists aren’t sure why it works but they speculate that the herb makes you get tipsy faster: this in turn makes you stop drinking sooner.
This herb has tremendous potential for those who are trying to stop drinking – and for those drinkers on a tight budget.
The word is that Newsweek refused to accept the writer’s resignation.
How could they? The resignation letter relied heavily on an anonymous source. That’s when you know you have credibility issues:
“I’m sorry. I can’t let you resign, Isikoff, if that is your real name!!”
In actuality, they will be accepting the resignation – they of course need to confirm Isikoff's anonymous source. They do this by the very journalistic process of opening the window and shouting, “Hey, does this sound right to you?”
Bush was very composed at a recent press conference. They asked him about the Koran incident, and he responded, “Are we talking about North Koran or South Koran?”
Ironic. He groveled at the feet of Jesse and Al. Now THAT’S a job no black person would ever take.
Vicente said, ‘I’m so glad we have put this behind us. I would never offend anyone. I look forward to visiting America soon and enjoying the sights, the sounds and those wonderful slutty American women.”
Hopefully, he'll be covered in something 49er coaches haven't worn in a while - Gatorade.
You know who we can blame? That darn prom dress spammer. Not only do they sell crappy prom dresses – but they bunch up at the corners – uh. Not that I would know..And what’s all this crap about one size fits all? Uh? Never mind
So now we have a new ethical dilemma for teachers. When a boy wears a dress – when EXACTLY is the neckline too low?
I guess it’s the firs time we’ve ever heard a guy use the phrase, “I’m up here”
Dressing the part is so important these days.
The new San Francisco 49er coach, Mike Nolan, wanted to honor the coaches of the past by wearing a suit and tie for all of his football games.
When you coach the 49ers, I believe you shouldn’t be allowed to have a tie – or for that matter - shoelaces.
First they lost Hear No Evil.
Then See No Evil.
Now – myseriously- they lose Speak No Evil.
Hmmm. I think somebody was afraid he would TALK!!!
Ahem. (Hat tip to reader RandyM for that article)
Wankie was well know for his strength, his gentleness, and his ten foot weenie.
Ahem. Uh. Can I get you some more ice water?.
That's all folks. I can't hear you, so if something made you laugh, post it in comments. Do you have an interesting newsbit? Email it to me at rightwingduckatyahoodotcom. Do I have to spell it out? I just DID.
Yes, sir. More butter, too? Right away.
[UPDATE: It was brought to my attention that the Elephant joke did not make sense. On re-reading this I figured out that I cut out a whole segment from another joke. Trust me - it was funny. Sadly, I left the joke on my work computer so I'll post it tomorrow. It had to do with a Rock Hill police unit looking for a missing 10 foot weenie sign. YOu know, I'm going to have to start posting every day. I'm drowning in jokes and I end up throwing them in the garbage. Yes, I know, that's where most of them belong... but still]
America's New China Policy
Communist China hasn't been a very good friend to us lately, what with their not helping us keep North Korea in line, blocking Security Council Appointments in the UN, and declaring war on innocent bloggers, so it's time for America to re-evaluate the relationship.
But before any firm policy decisions are made, it's necessary to understand who we're dealing with. To that end, I've assigned a Newsweek reporter to gather all the information he could about this inscrutable nation. Based on his report, I present (in the extended entry) these
Although only a medium-sized country, China has the largest population of any nation on earth except for downtown Chicago during the morning rush hour.
Given it's strategic location in Southeast Asia, it's not surprising that many nations have tried to invade and conquer China in the last few millenia. Fearing such attacks, one of its earliest Emperors protected the nation by surrounding it with the Great Minefield of China.
Sadly, gunpowder handn't been invented yet, so none of the mines worked and China quickly fell under the onslaught of the Mongol hordes.
Ice cream was invented around 2000 BC in China by Hong Jiang Baskin-Robbins.
Also around 2000 BC, The Great Wall of China was built by the Mongols to keep other nations from invading China and stealing their sweet, sweet ice cream.
The Chinese calendar goes in a 12-year cycle with each year represented by a different animal. Travellers from Europe tried to get them to name the years after the constellations of the zodiac, but the Chinese weren't stupid enough to believe that the stars in the sky actually formed any recognizable images.
"No, really! That's a kneeling chick emptying out a pitcher of water!"
Chinese silk is made by "silkworms" who work in filthy sweatshops, unprotected by decent labor laws.
Where are those whiny "living wage" hippies on THAT issue? Huh? HUH?
Stupid hippies. Hope the Mongols eat them.
The Chinese language has over 40,000 written characters, all of which look like someone just dropped a handful of dry spagetti noodles.
Red is considered the color of good luck in China, which is sort of ironic considering how bad that whole "living under a commie dictatorship" thing is going for most people over there.
The Great Wall of China is the only "man-made" object visible from the moon.
Michael Moore's big fat ass can also be seen from the moon, but technically that was "Twinkie-made", so it doesn't count.
Chinese students must go to school for 20 years without a single day off, doing nothing but practicing that freaky spaghetti-writing of theirs.
Hey China-dudes! Wanna buy a 26-letter alphabet? Put the smack-dab on North Korea for us and we'll talk...
The climate in China is completely unpredictable and frequently swings without warning between the extremes of pleasant warmth and bitter chill several times during a single day.
On a completely unrelated topic, the Chinese symbols for "Mother Nature" and "PMS" are all but identical.
That's all I've got right now, although I imagine I'll feel an urge to write more on this topic an hour after I post this.
Frank J. Imposter!
There is another Frank J. out there using the line "Know Thy Enemy." Know that this is not the real Frank J. and nowhere as near as funny and smart as I, the real Frank J.
Sick for one day and everyone is out to replace you...
(Thanks to Phat Tony for pointing this out)
Carnival of Comedy Submissions Are Due
It's almost Carnival of Comedy time again.
Wow, it's like we live in some sort of magical fantasy world where a bunch of funny arrives every Thurdsay
I KNOW! I can just barely believe it either.
Well, the simple fact that it wasn't reported on CBS or in Newsweek makes it more believable.
Can't argue with that.
Click here to help spread the funny.
Won't you do what the nice voice says? I always do.
Next Week in Newsweek
War Could Have Been Avoided
Bush Actually Received Zero Percent of the Vote
Bush Desecrates Vatican
World Actually Flat
Bat Boy Found in Cave
May 17, 2005
Anyone Need a Lung, Because I'm About to Cough One Up
Sorry no post today so ingeniously funny that you thank your pagan gods for your meager existence. Unfortunately, I'm sick.
Yeah, again. But this time I went to the doctor to get back to 100% as quickly as possible, all to serve you, the reader.
That makes me feel special!
You should feel special. Anyway, I'll rest up and think of funny, and you can wait expectantly for all the super cool things IMAO will bring you in the future.
Pure Dagnasty Evil
I know the Force has been running though several of us here at IMAO like spicy Mexican food lately.
And I know I've linked to it before.
Now, with multiple size formats for those of you with slow/junk computers, you know who I'm talking to.
It is high-larious, in a dagnasty kind of way.
Newsweek Reports Star Wars Episode III Script Flushed Down Toilet - Widespread Riots Ensue
According to perfectly reliable news magazine Newsweek's anonymous source, pathetic basement-dwelling geeks around the world are pouring into the streets to protest the deliberate flushing of a Star Wars Episode III script.
One geeky loser was quoted as saying "To desecrate one copy of the Sacred Script is to desecrate the entire Star Wars mythos! They will pay with blood"
Other nerds expressed their outrage by rioting at a nearby Star Trek convention, shouting such slogans as "Star Wars is the one true Space Saga!", "There is no Star but Star Wars!", "Death to Federation Infidels", and "Jedi Akbar!" while pummeling helpless Trekkies with plastic light sabers.
George Lucas, speaking from his Millenium-Falcon-shaped mansion in Beverly Hills, declared his outrage over the incident. "My wrath will descend as flame from the Heavens to smite the unbelievers! They will be made to suffer the tortures of insipid CGI characters! I will bring forth Episodes VII, VIII, and IX to roast their stomachs in Hell! "Jar-Jar Returns"! "Bride of Jar-Jar"! "Son of Jar-Jar"! There will be a Jar-Jar Holiday Special starring Harvey Korman and Bea Arthur! Yousa will worships da Jar-Jar!"
John Welch, who was accused of doing the flushing in the Newsweek article, responded with a confused look upon hearing the news. "What I said was that Episode III was a turd of a movie and OUGHT to be flushed down the toilet. Man, those dweebs can't get ANYTHING right. No wonder they've never kissed a non-inflatable girl."
May 16, 2005
They Don't Make Child-proof Journalists, So You Need to Journalist-proof Your Child
Good advice from Confederate Yankee:
Kids, remember to follow these simple rules if you find a journalist:
When it comes to journalists - SAFETY FIRST!
Coming to a venue near you?
It's true that the IMAO crew works hard every day to bring you the quality entertainment you've come to expect. But we also like to play hard, and in that vein we're proud to anounce the formation of our new interpretive dance troupe: The Rollickin' Ronin.
We have booked a number of gigs between Memorial Day and Labor Day, and would appreciate your support if you can make it to one of our shows.
June 11 -- The Cubby Hole in Fort Lauderdale, FL
Keep posted for additional dates--we may be prancing at a locale near you!
RWD's News Round-Up, Monday Night
I'm RightWingDuck and I'm here to share the news.
Sorry I’m late today. There was this huge scandal I needed to investigate. If it’s true, it could create a tremendous backlash from the Democrats. Rumor has it that the Republicans flushed the Democrat's Donkey down the toilet.
So let’s talk about the lead story.
Newsweek reported that interrogators at Gitmo had flushed a Koran down the toilet. Of course, it turns out that this anonymous source cannot confirm that it really happened. However, this didn’t stop the magazine from running the story. The Middle East has seen rioting, and yes, even deaths.
Good News. They sold those full page ads for a martyr campaign for Al Queda.
Al Jazeera seems to very interested as well.
Here in America they take pages from the Holy Bible and use them to wipe their butts. Do you know what THAT’S called?
Sure Newsweek caused rioting and a couple of deaths – but the main question about the article is: Did It Make You Think?
Hopefully, the retraction will help all of this blow over. We can work with our allies and get the word out that the story was false. In time, feelings will subside and they can get over their feelings of pure American Rage and get back to their old feelings of pure American Hatred.
Poor guys at Gitmo. We didn’t mean to deprive them of their religious freedom – just their Due Process.
Speaking of angry mobs.
In Britain, American Sports Tycoon Malcolm Glazer has bought the Manchester United. My top research staff here at IMAO (Frank sitting on the couch drinking beer) tells me that they are NOT an airline.
They are a soccer team. Wow, who would have figured?
Anyway, the Brits don’t take lightly to a Yank buying a Top British Team. They are concerned that he’s only in it for the money, that he’ll take on too much debt, and that he’ll raise ticket prices.
Some fans got together to protest and even threatened to riot. This confused British authorities who are not used to British Soccer fans Rioting WITHOUT a soccer match.
The protest was non violent, but not well attended. Maybe because before fans could gather outside the Manchester offices, they had to pay an admission. Glazer's influence?
Glazer was ready for the rioting too, he had kiosks selling official rioting supplies - like Manchester United Official Gasoline!
Rumor has it that he’ll make some changes to make things interesting – Cheerleaders. Of course, Britain is a somewhat left leaning country – so he’d have to get cheerleaders that are just right. Cheerleaders with socially aware cheers like:
Sure he looks ancient. I’m not saying his look is out of date, but if they updated his look by a decade he might be able to do a guest appearance on That 70’s Show!
But who cares? I’d like to paint that big floppy mustache orange and make him wear a Yosemite Sam hat!! THAT I would LOVE to see!
Koffi: Welcome to the UN Ambassador Bolton
George Lucas is said to be taking some Anti American potshots in the latest installment of Star Wars.
Direct quote:“In one scene he has Anakin Skywalker, saying just before becoming Darth Vader: "You are either with me — or you are my enemy."..
To the Cannes audience, often sympathetic to anti-Bush messages in cinema as last year's triumph here of Michael Moore's "Fahrenheit 9/11" attested, that immediately recalled Bush's 2001 ultimatum, "You're either with us or against us in the fight against terror."
There are other zingers directed at the Bush Administration, most notably, we see a section of the movie blaming the destruction of humanity on the lack of a filibuster shield.
Later on, there’s the scene where Darth Vader launches a No Stormtrooper Left Behind Program - and there's no funding!!
And who can forget that sweet, touching segment where a tired, frail Yoda blames his skin condition on Global Warming.
I can’t wait for this movie to come out. I haven’t been this excited since the release of White Chicks.
In case anyone is curious, I signed up for Pajamas Media a while back and have been anxiously waiting to see what becomes of it. In case anyone is curious what Pajamas Media is, John Hawkins has an interview with Marc Danziger about it.
If you have a blog, I reccomend signing up. Part of the idea is to better organize the citizen media such that, whatever happens, there will be a blogger local to have coverage of it. E-mail email@example.com for info, and say IMAO sent you and CC me when you do (yeah, I get some sort of credit for that). Hopefully this brainchild of Charles Johnson, Roger L. Simon, and Marc Danziger (Armed Liberal) will lead to more respect for the blogosphere... something I probably won't be much help with.
It should also bring more money to the blogosphere; there I can help :)
In My World: Bush Blog
Bush sat at his desk, tapping his fingers on the surface. "Bored. Bored. Bored," he muttered. "Hey, Rover," he finally called out, "Anything I should be doing?"
The hooded figure of Karl Rove emerged from the shadows. "Everything goes as planned. All is in its place."
"But I wanted something to do," Bush moaned, "Well, Rumsfeld is still trapped in the bowels of hell. Maybe I can plot how to help him."
A pentagram appeared on the floor of the oval office, and a flame arose from it. When the flame disappeared, there stood Donald Rumsfeld.
"You stole my entrance!" Rove shouted and then disappeared back into the darkness from whence he came.
"Hey, you escaped from hell!" Bush exclaimed.
"Yeah, got tired of that place," Rumsfeld said, "Found some people I had strangled before and was able to strangle them again, but it just wasn't the same."
Bush shook his head. "You can never go home again. So, Rummy, got some crazy war plans?"
"I'm old and I'm taking a nap," Rumsfeld said and walked off.
Scott McClellan then came by the office. "So what's that wacky press up to today?" Bush asked him hopefully.
"Nothing. They actually couldn't come up with any questions so we ended the press conference early. Wanna go play some racquetball?"
"Yeah... but not with you," Bush answered, "If I hang out with you, everyone will think I'm a dweeb, too. Understand?"
"You're mean!" Scott yelled as he stormed off.
Laura then came by the office. "I'm bored, dear," he called to her, "Give me something to do!"
"Why don't you read those news magazines on your desk there and try and be informed," she suggested.
"But news is boring!" Bush moaned. He then picked up a copy of Newsweek. "I think this one has comics; I like those." Bush flipped through a couple pages and then started laughing. Suddenly, he stopped. "Wait a second... that was making fun of me! And my ears are not that big!" Bush angrily flipped through a few more pages. "The Bush Administration is disrespectful to Islam," Bush read aloud, "Unnamed White House officials tell of how the toilet paper in the bathrooms of the White House have been replaced with pages torn from the Koran. Also at the White House is a painting depicting Jesus strangling the prophet Mohammed. This is all just part of a pattern of behavior of Bush who had the sign supposedly pointing in the direction of Mecca at the Guantanamo Bay prison actually point to the nearest Porta-Potty." Bush threw down the magazine in anger. "Barely any of that's true at all!"
* * * *
"Omar, I've been hardly angry at anything lately."
"Me too, Ahmed. Also, I'm starting to like America."
"Well, let's check the newest copy of Newsweek to see what's going on in the world." Ahmed purchased a copy from the newsstand and flipped to the main story. After reading a paragraph into the story, Ahmed ripped the magazine apart and shouted, "Jihad!"
* * * *
"Blood, chaos, mayhem - that is what journalism is about," said the evil editor of Newsweek. "These stories that enrage the Muslims are causing destruction and increasing sales since they tend to rip apart the first copy in anger and then buy another to remember what they're angry about. Do we have anything else for the next issue?"
"I have a story on how Bush snuck into Mecca and spray painted his gang sign there," said one writer.
"How many sources do you have on that?"
"Good enough; run with it! Muh ha ha ha!"
* * * *
"So it's rioting in the Middle East and guess who has to deal with it," Condoleezza Rice complained, "Me, that's who. Why couldn't I be Secretary of Defense?"
"Because diplomacy is for women and kill'n is for men," Rumsfeld answered.
"I'll show you killing!" Condi shouted and approached Rumsfeld.
"Let's save our violence for Newsweek," Bush said, "Now hand me my fact-checker."
"The 12-gauge?" Condi asked.
Laura walked into the room. "Are you going to use violence to solve a problem again?"
"No, dear," Bush answered, stuffing his pockets with shotguns shells.
"You know, when someone in the media writes something that isn't true," Laura told him, "the popular and effective way to combat it is to blog about it."
"Blog!" Rumsfeld yelled, "Sounds like something for homosexuals."
Scott ran into the room. "Did someone say blog? Blogs are full of cool information!"
"See," Rumsfeld growled.
"Now, you give it a try," Laura commanded Bush.
"Aww," he whined, "sounds like this will involve writing."
* * * *
"Hello. This is a new blog," Bush typed, "You can call me Dubya. My day job is president of a major country, but I like to play videogames in my spare time. I have something to write about that is important, though. Newsweek recently posted an article that misrepresents the facts." Bush paused for a moment. "Now how do I add a hypolink... ah, there I go." He went back to typing. "If they followed up on that story, they would have found the time the president used a Koran as toilet paper was a one time mishap when the Saudi ambassador visited the White House. Also, they would know that the reason the sign pointing to Mecca points to a Porta-Potty is that that Porta-Potty has always served as the Mecca reference point since Gitmo was built. Finally, the supposed painting of Jesus strangling Mohammed is very open to interpretation." Bush clicked on "Post" and sat there a few seconds. "Now what do I do?"
* * * *
"How's your blog going?" Laura asked.
"No one on the internets is reading it," Bush complained, "I tried e-mailing the guy from Instapundit about it, but he never responded to my e-mail." Bush shook his fist at the computer screen. "He thinks he's too important to respond to me! You know, I heard somewhere that he puts puppies in blenders."
"That's horrible," Laura said, "and I'm sure you'll find an audience soon."
Bush hit refresh on his web browser. "I have a comment!" he exclaimed. He clicked on the comments. "You look like a chimp," he read aloud. Bush smiled. "My message is spreading!"
* * * *
"Our misinformation and chaos cannot be stopped!" the Newsweek editor laughed, "Muh ha ha ha!"
"We have a problem," said his aide, "The President is fact-checking us."
"He's doing it through a... blog."
The editor recoiled in horror. "The President has a blog?! With the magical power of blogging, he'll be able to have any of us fired at will. He'll be unstoppable! Quick, we must get all the heads of media together immediately in a coalition of journalism and evil to stop this menace before it can grow!"
TO BE CONTINUED...
Phony Newsweek article sparks riots in "The Muslim Street"
According to last week's Newsweek "Periscope" section, the evil religious nuts down in Gitmo were up to no good...
No, not the Islamic terrorists—the real evil religious nuts: The interrogators paid for by the U.S. military-industrial complex. Newsweek's so-called top investigative reporters reported that anonymous sources couldn't bear knowing that members of the vast right wing conspiracy between the U.S. Army, the FBI, and Donald Rumsfeld instructed Gitmo interrogators to flush a Koran down a toilet in front of some of the terrorists in an attempt to torture them. Newsweek's story even ended with the conspiratorial "An Army spokesman declined to comment."
Yeah, the Army declined to comment because none of it was true... Newsweek made the whole thing up and is now trying to backpedal. Much like Dan Rather and his phony memo, the whole story is a lie.
One of the unintended consequences of this lie is the fact that the "Muslim Street" rioted so violently over the phony Newsweek story that fifteen people from Afghanistan to Indonesia are dead.
Now that Newsweek has blood on it's hands (and directly caused more deaths with their single lie than any of the "torture" done by the photo-happy dopes at Abu Ghraib), their editors are investigating how this phony story was printed. My prediction is that they will most likely find that this whole thing is Karl Rove's fault.
What are your predictions? Let me know in the Comments:
May 15, 2005
Links of the Weekend
The lovely and talented Boudicca hosts this week's Carnival of the Recipes! And while we're talking about Boudicca, I should mention that we all need to update our blogrolls to Bou's new address.
This week's Carnival of Cordite is up at Resistance is Futile! And we finally get to see the face that belongs to those feet on Gullyborg's sidebar. Beware his google ads, though; they're kinda spazzing.
Walmart: We think less.
Walmart seems to be taking cues from the Democratic underground playbook which actually has only one play by the way, namely calling people NAZI's if they don't like them.
For those to lazy to read the article. Walmart makes an ad saying lawmakers are acting like NAZI bookburners for attempting to change the zoning laws.
A few people got, shall we say, a little upset. Now Walmart says they plan to apologise.
Its a good thing they didn't jump right out and apologise, because the last thing they need to do now is act a manner that some might consider brash or hasty.
Telling is the last line, a quote from a consultant who was responsible for creating the ad.
"People make mistakes. They move on," he said.The '.org' is silent I guess.
May 13, 2005
Evil Glenn's Farm
Glenn Reynolds is pretty much burnt out on blogging. He claims that posting's been a little light lately because relatives are in town, but *I* know the truth - he's getting off the computer and back to his roots as a farmer.
Yup, bought himself 40 acres, tucked away back in a secluded Tennessee valley, and he's raising...
Well, that part's a little disturbing.
You see, Glenn has two great passions in life besides blogging. One is puppies, because - when properly blended - they give him the energy to keep blogging. The other is penguins, because they... well... let's just say they fulfill... other needs.
Being the efficient type, Glenn attempted to combine both animals. Since penguins are hard to come by in Tennessee - not being native and all - he practiced with other canine-avian hybrids to perfect his technique. Some pictures of his early work are in the extended entry...
After all this practice, he was ready to start using penguins. Early results were a bit... off...
A few hard kicks to the Genentic Intermolecularizing Blendificator helped get the eyes right at least:
Heh. Silly Glenn... you need to use the puppy's SKULL as a source for your genetic material - which he figured out, eventually. Leading to the final successful creation of:
Expect Glenn's blogging to become more robust in the near future.
[all pictures courtesy of HumanDescent.com]
Ebert and Coulter Sitting in a Tree...
I'm used to Ebert (who is my favorite movie critic) sometimes jarringly inserting a left-wing political viewpoint into a movie review, but the political mention in this review of the new Luc Besson movie jumped out at me more than any previous one because it's a polite mention of one of the most caustic conservatives. I wonder what the story behind this is?
What do you call a vacillating, pantywaist Republican?
According to the media, you call him a "maverick." Latest is George Voinovich who thinks Bolton is just too mean to be U.N. amabassador. What a wuss. Bush should personally talk to Voinovich again, but, instead of trying to convince him to support Bolton, just punch him in the nads... if he has any.
"There ya go, maverick."
Kevin Drum stumbles on to something interesting (while, of course, missing the forest for the trees). He whines about the lack of of "grown-up" Republicans - "grown-up" meaning to Kevin to be a Republican who is a vacillating, pantywaist. He counts four Republicans as "moderates" while a dozen Democarts he places in that category (if he only considers moderates "grown-ups," does Kevin consider himself a baby? Or just the radicals like Ted Kennedy? That's pretty arguable, because, much like a baby, Ted is largely incoherent, incapable of living on his own, and, I'm just assuming, wears a giant diaper).
Now, here's the huge point that Kevin misses: what’s our word for a "moderate" Republicans? Among many: media-whore. By being whiny and disagreeing with the president like Voinovich, they suddenly get tons of media attention and the cool title of "maverick." So what do Democrats get who don't toe their party's line (when it has a coherent one)? Nothing; maybe a pat on the back from a Republican who tells him, "You're not as big a douche-bag as we thought." Now, I'm not sure who Kevin identifies as a moderate from his own skewed view, but, whoever they are, they deserve a cool name of their own. I say we call Democrats who are big war supporters and fight taxation to be "hellblazer" Democrats. Let's tell FOX News to start using that term (they do whatever we tell them), and soon they'll be all these Democrats competing to vote more Republican that the others so he can be the baddest hellblazer Democrat around.
Then, once Republicans have a filibuster proof majority, it's time to give the "mavericks" the boot. Bush should start by calling Hagel to his office (I hate Hagel), rip off his Republican badge, and threaten to sue him for slander if he ever calls himself a Republican again. Then that "maverick" can go back to his state and explain what he's done.
Oh, and Bush should punch him the nads.
Fun Trivia Question
Happy Harry Reid just announced that he couldn't support one of President Bush's nominations. Why. Because of what you would see if you went upstairs and checked the man's FBI file.
Trivia: What do you call someone with a suspicious FBI file?
Answer: Senator John Kerry.
I guess security in the Capitol is improving. It used to be that if you wanted government information, you checked Sandy Berger's pants.
Happy Friday the 13th!!
FRIDAY the 13th. The Real Meaning.
It comes around but once a year.
It's a special day. A day to be with family. A time for giving and sharing. But Friday the 13th is more than just about shopping for presents or attending parties. How easy is it to get swept away by it all?
How easy is it to get frustrated when you're waiting in line at the mall with the other parents just so you can have your child's pciture taken with. um. er. Satan.
But let's get away from the hustle and bustle and take a quiet moment to reflect and enjoy.
It's a time to celebrate what's special. A time to take a moment out of our busy lives, have a cup of eggnogg and say, "Thank you, Lord for what I have."
I have fond childhood memories of Friday the 13th. My sister and I would wake up early in the morning and go running downstairs to see what we had to.. do.. as.. a precaution against evil. That's right.
So this Friday the 13th, remember that it's a season of giving, and that we truly have so very much.
Out of curiousity.
Do IMAO readers have any traditions for Friday the 13th? Real or imagined.
May 12, 2005
Welcome to Episode III of the Carnival of Comedy.
The carnival this week is very powerful in the Funny. It could well be the 'chosen one' who'll bring balance to the Funny as foretold in prophecy by the little muppety green guy with the big muppety green ears. Talked funny. Yo-Yo, I think it was. Yoga, Yogi, Yodel, Yosoyamericano. Something.
Seems like a good idea to have a pic relative to the theme. So here's an eery looking close up of Annie 'big daddy'
Personally, I think his being saddled with the nickname 'Annie' finally got to him. After he became an orphan things probably only went from bad to worse. The fact he was raised on Tatooine, a very sandy world. [ackkkk>]...[aaaackkkk]. Ok enough funmaking with the girlie name. Those Force chokes sure are a pain in the neck!
Also dropping with the Star Wars references as best I can now so we can move on to the well, you know. Thing.
As you read it, the Funny will be with you. Always.
ManiaC Provost at Ether Mind presents The Aventures of Johnny American... Johnny Come Lately
Frank at varifrank presents Countdown: 15 things to think about Before Star Wars III
Buckley F. Williams at The Nose On Your Face presents Chlamydia Outbreak At Zoo Kills Penguins, Paris Hilton Wanted For Questioning
Bill C at Brain Droppings presents A Brain Droppings Exclusive: Ridley Scott's next projects
Frank J of IMAO presents A Frank Guide to a Cordial Political Discussion
That's the end of the Carnival. Thanks to all for clicking, linking and/or submitting.
Sometimes the menace is a phantom.
But when a new hope is found,
Question of the Day
Why do we suddenly care about who is the U.N. Ambassador? Before the Bolton nomination, I didn't even know we bothered to send an ambassador, but the Bolton hearings have been given so much coverage you'd think it was a celebrity trial. The man has obviously got the 'stache strength to take on the bureaucrats in the U.N., so why have the Dems made an issue out of this?
Time to Send Galloway Away
Europeans. Never trusted them, never liked them (except for any who are my readers; you guys rock old school!).
Now there is confirmation that French and British officials were helping Saddam while making themselves rich. That's expected from the French - so I'll speak of them no further - but the British! Those guys are our friends - other than the whole stealing the country from them and them burning down our White House and what not. So who was behind these sinister dealings with Saddam?
You can already tell he gets his mustache grooming tips from Saddam (or is that the other way around?). The other indication should have been the millions of barrels of Iraqi oil he was hiding. How did he do that? I could maybe hide like maybe six in my garage; where was he keeping millions?
"Galloway, this is a nice house, but I don't know if I like the barrels of oil motif."
And how did he funnel in the millions of barrels of oil? Through a charity supposedly to help a 4-year-old Iraqi girl with leukemia. Didn't that raise any eyebrows?
"If we're helping a girl with leukemia... why so much crude oil?"
Now, I can't speak for all of IMAO, but, personally, I'm against helping an evil, murderous dictator for one's own financial gains. I know in this modern world with our steam shovels and iPods and whatnot, old fashion values just aren't the "hip" thing anymore. No one looks twice when unmarried couples live together, cheerleaders dress provocatively, or millions of barrels of crude oil are funneled through a charity meant to help a little girl with leukemia, but maybe it's time to stop and take a look at ourselves. Maybe it's time to say enough is enough. And the simplest way to do that is to send some black-ops guy like Sam Fischer from the Tom Clancy's Splinter Cell videogames (soon to be a major movie) to secretly kidnap Galloway and a number of French officials (doesn't matter who; their all dirty - figuratively and literally) and give them to the Iraqis to be put on trial since it's the Iraqis who suffered most and because they can execute them more viciously than our law allows.
It's a small gesture, but big things start with small gestures.
Be honorable, ronin.
UPDATE: The U.N. is striking back at the horrible Oil-for-Food scandal by attacking blogger Roger L. Simon. I'd offer to help him out... ya know... if having the U.N. after you was in anyway threatening.
RWD's News Round-Up
Hello Ladies and Gentlemen,
I’m RightWingDuck and I’m here to share the news.
There was quite a scare in Washington today. A small Cessna airplane violated restricted air space and endedup getting an F-16 escort out of the area. The Secret Service and the police evacuated the White House and nearby buildings.
Man, you haven’t seen that many people scramble out of the White House since the time Hillary unexpectedly came back from her vacation.
The small Cessna had a pilot and a student pilot onboard. They were not charged with anything. Student pilot? There’s a lesson you won’t ever forget!
“Hey, teacher. Why are those fighter jets shooting flares at us?
In all of the chaos, security rushed people out of the building. In fact, a couple of officers lifted Nancy Pelosi right out of her shoes.
It got confusing for people afterwards. They came back and saw her shoes out in the middle of the floor. No matter how hard they looked, they couldn't seem to find the yellow brick road.
Can’t trust those airplanes, man. Or airlines for that matter.
Did you hear about this one? United Airlines has gotten permission to cancel their employee pension plans. That is so messed up.
United says that they need the cost savings to avoid bankruptcy.
In another money saving move, United asked a judge to approve a new business model. They’d like to ensure that you pay a good price for your airfare, but they’d like to have permission to not have to fly you anywhere.
They believe this can help them further avoid bankruptcy.
The Marines are recalling over 5,000 protective vests that are currently in Iraq. It could be that they may not have the right amount of stopping power.
I’m not saying they were flimsy, but when they whacked one with a rifle, candy spilled out on the ground!
Is it a bad sign when your vest was worn last week by a runway model in Milan.
Or the guy who parked her car.
As incentives they are offering enlistment prizes. In fact, the Pentagon just got a great deal on some slightly used vests!
Speaking of which, Detroit is desperate for tax revenue. They have a budget shortfall this year of about $300 million. So you know what the mayor is thinking of doing? They are looking at taxing fast food.
Do you really want taxes on your food? If I’m debating ordering a value meal, I’d like to think it’s because of the calories, and not the tax implications.
“Sir, would you like cheese on that Quarter Pounder?”
Earlier reports had the date as May 8th, but it turned out they were faking it.
By the way, excellent timing. May 10th is when the Brazilian playoffs begin.
In New York, a Russian man was busted with 1,600 badges from every type of law enforcement agency.
This is truly scary folks. The fake badges were made in Taiwan but they looked just like the real badges made in Taiwan.
Actually, they busted the guy on their second visit. The first visit was a bit embarrassing.
Officer: We’re with the police. (Flips open his badge)
Hee hee. Like anyone could confuse a old Russian guy with Janet Reno. Janet’s taller.
A new transportation report is out showing the longest commutes. Los Angeles placed at the top!! We're number one! We're number one!
Traffic is slow here in LA. You hear all about the freeway shootings around here.. but do you want to know the number one cause of death on the freeways? Old Age!!
That’s the problem with the slow commute. You start off with too many of these teenage drivers and you end the commute with death from natural causes. It’s like driving next to the Baby New Year.
Macauley Culkin was on the stand at the Michael Jackson trial today. He did great testifying on Michael’s behalf. He stated that the whole idea of him being molested as a child “was absolutely ridiculous”. Not even when he was asleep. He says he would have known that.
Many a time he enjoyed sleeping in Michael’s bed.So soft. So comfortable. It was all perfect.
Except for all those weird dreams he had where Diana Ross kept taking off his pants.
Childhood is so sweet. He still has all that money that he found under his pillow from the Underoo Fairy!
I’d like to close out today’s monologue with a bunch of Rolling Stone’s jokes. If you are getting up in your years and are sensitive about it – then keep reading. Getting angry is good, it makes your heart pump...
Just kidding. Mick Jagger is British.
Or should I say, Sir Mick Jagger.
Many people think he’s a knight because the Queen Calls him Sir Mick. That's not true. Even the Queen is respectful of her elders.
Some changes in store this tour. There will be about 400 seats on the stage area reserved for Fan Club contests. These contests will be fun.
Remember, you too could win a great prize -Early Bird Dinner and a Show Enter at your local pharmacy.
It will be the first major tour sponosred by Metamucil.
Fans can also win other Stone’s merchandise such as posters, t-shirts, and those little donut chair pillows.
Sorry, I know they’re an institution – like water. Except water is not that old.
My family has been big fans of the Stones. I believe my grandma has their first Edison.
Ticket revenue should be in the tens of millions even after you factor in all of the senior discounts.
That's all for today. Remember, I can't hear you laugh. So if some joke in this post made you laugh, let me know which one
May 11, 2005
*MUST CREDIT IMAO!*
SPOILERS AHEAD FOR THE FOX SHOW 24!! DON'T CLICK "READ MORE" IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THIS WEEK'S EPISODE! OR NEXT WEEK'S!!
This week on Fox's 24, Audrey was whiny and homely, Jack was a patriot who prioritizes, the Division Guy told Chloe that they didn't have time for her personality disorder, and Chloe told Jack that she was there for him if he ever wanted to talk. To which Jack responded, "beep... boop... beep... boop... thanks."
I have learned what will happen in the last two hours of 24 this season, as I was able to sneak into the editing room and catch a dialog between President Palmer, Jack Bauer, and the rest of the CTU gang...
JACK: Mr. President --
beep... boop... beep... boop...
The Iran Strategy
Deep in a secret government Plotting Cave, somewhere beneath the White House, President Bush and Karl Rove map out a strategy for dealing with the increasing nuclear threat from Iran...
(see extended entry)
BUSH: We could always just nuke the moon like it says on those 100% preshrunk heavyweight cotton T-shirts that Jenna & Barbara are always wearing...
ROVE: SILENCE, FOOL! Although great fun, a show of force is not the answer to this puzzle of international intrigue. Look what direct confrontation with North Korea brought us.
BUSH: A dictator with poofy hair?
ROVE: Precisely. Do you want the Ayatollah's beard to poofify?
BUSH: Isn't that a sign of the Apocalypse?
ROVE: Yes, and it's hard to steal oil during an apocalypse... all that flaming brimstone falling from the sky tends to ignite it.
BUSH: You can't put flaming oil in barrels?
ROVE: NO! Flaming oil barrels lead to rampaging giant monkeys, as foretold in the Book of Donkey Kong.
BUSH: I could send an Italian plumber to...
ROVE: SILENCE, FOOL! What we need to do is to subtly undermine Iran's repressive culture with good old-fashioned American decadence. We can start by having Hotti... er... CONDI Rice visit foreign countries dressed in spike-heeled, knee-high, black leather fetish-boots.
BUSH: Way ahead of you... and then we can send Paris Hilton over there to open a video store, and...
ROVE [cuffing Bush upside the head]: I said SUBTLE! That step comes later. You mustn't be premature.
BUSH: Ya know, Laura says that to me a lot.
ROVE: TMI, George... Now... what I'm suggesting for the next step will require that we infiltrate their supply lines in order to import carefully planted American goods into their country. Do you have any trustworthy diplomats who can speak Farsi?
BUSH: I've got a protocol 'droid who can speak Bocce...
ROVE: It'll have to do. The first thing we'll do is send over Sports Illustrated magazines with a cover article about World Cup Soccer, or whatever froo-froo sport it is that's popular over there. But the inside of the magazine will actually be the Swimsuit Issue. Reading this will make the Iranians connect sports with sex... and this will set them up for...
BUSH: Slutty cheerleaders!
ROVE: Exactly!... You grow wise in the ways of the Force, young Padawan.
BUSH: Texas has LOTS of unemployed slutty cheerleaders. We can use THEM!
ROVE: And then we can escalate to the next step...
BUSH: Paris Hilton!
ROVE [cuffing Bush again]: Control! You must learn control!
BUSH: Ya know, Laura says that...
ROVE: SILENCE!... The next step is slutty Argentinian cheerleaders.
BUSH: WOW! THAT'S not safe for work!
ROVE: Precisely. The Iranian nuclear scientists will be unable to concentrate on their work making atomic weapons. Now... as Hotti...
ROVE: DOCTOR Rice pointed out, you need aluminum tubes to process uranium to make a bomb. With the scientists distracted, we'll be able to substitute brass tubes for the aluminum ones.
BUSH: [pause] I don't get it.
ROVE: Our operatives will install the brass tubes from floor to ceiling, which will make them brass poles. And wherever you find brass poles, you'll find...
BUSH: STRIPPERS!... Then we send...
ROVE: Paris Hilton. Exactly.
ROVE: Yes. Yes it is. Now go forth and do my bidding.
BUSH: Yes, my dark master... Hey Condi! Grab your boots! You're going to Iran!...
Spacemonkey Perspective: Imus, Blogs, and Losers
So what if Imus says bloggers and those who read blogs are losers. If he did say that, well, he's probably about half right.
My perspective on this is as follows.
I won't argue that bloggers aren't losers. I do own a mirror. And even the cool bloggers are still a bit geeky. I won't name any names.
But blog readers are of a different sort. They don't deserve this 'loser' status. Blog readers have an educational requirement that radio listeners simply don't have. You see, since they are blog readers, by definition, they have to, y'know, know how to read. Radio listeners only need one functioning ear and access to a functioning radio.
To call blog readers losers is, simply put, to do them a grave injustice or more simply put as a radio listener might say, 'mean, bad, me smash'.
So, if a radio listener calls you a loser because Mr. Imus said so, have them read this blog post or if necessary, read it to them.
Oh and sorry, if you read any of the the other posts on that blog, they is liberals.
John Hawkins has put up a great set of tips for bloggers, and I'm like, "Ugh! Idiot!"
Last thing I need is more bloggers to compete with. I don't need more upstarts like Arriana Huffington trying to shoot past me in the rankings. Still, I have some tips for you.
* When coming up with a name for you blog, don't use IMAO. That's taken.
* It will be more stylish if you have a cool pseudonym for blogging, such as your first name followed by your middle initial.
* Don't blog about how you hate monkeys... that's my shtick! I'll find you and cut you if you try and steal that!
* Don't e-mail me about your new blog, because I don't even read the blogs I like so why the hell will I check out yours I never heard of. Ugh! Idiots!
* You need readers, so don't let it be known that, deep down inside, you hate them all. That might turn them off.
* Never forget the most important thing about blogging: money.
That's all the tips you other bloggers get now. Anything more you have to pay me. Capisce?
A sales opportunity for Lockheed-Martin
Even though Dubya wasn't at the White House today, a pilot decided to fly his two-seater Cessna into the No-Fly Zone in D.C. to buzz the White House and the U.S. Capitol.
The pilot and his plane are now being questioned by th-- hey, why wasn't this plane shot out of the sky? The facts are that the rogue pilot did not respond to D.C. ground control, was "zig-zagging" in the air when confronted by the military aircraft scrambled to intercept the plane, and everything pointed to this being an attack.
Allow me to take the hardline and be the first to say what many of you are thinking: "The U.S. military must shoot down any plane in the no-fly zone that doesn't respond when hailed and does not immediately turn tail when confronted by fighter jets." If the U.S. military isn't allowed to do this because someone spineless pol is worried about a phony civil rights group bitching about the Patriot Act, Washington D.C. will eventually suffer another air attack.
I personally think this is not only a wake-up call, but a sales opportunity for aerospace company Lockheed-Martin. The next time some mullet-headed joker decides to buzz the Washington Monument, Lockheed can send up one of their cool new F-35 Joint Strike Fighter prototypes to blow it out of the sky:
If they were smart, Lockheed would video the whole thing and turn it into a slick TV commercial that ends with the bad guy's plane exploding above Washington D.C. with an American flag in the background and a graphic that says: "DEAD TERRRORISTS. BROUGHT TO YOU BY LOCKHEED-MARTIN."
Boeing stock would be worthless the day after that commercial aired...
Carnival Of Comedy Reminder
Carnival of Comedy Time!
Remember, the entry deadline is tonight.
Plus, new recruitment poster below the fold.
Also remember, The 3rd Carnival of Comedy is tomorrow.
That's why I need any outstanding entries by tonight.
To make the Carnival for tomorrow. Get it?
I've got a slew of them already but I forgot to post a reminder.
I was going to have a Star Wars theme but, and I am ashamed to admit this, I forgot that the premiere is NEXT Thursday and wanted to theme to coincide with the opening. [hangs head]
Episode III with CoC III would have been sweet.
Maybe I'll do a retro-ish Ep IV theme instead next week.
Don't let Uncle Sam down, support the Carnival of Comedy .
In My World: It's My Dictatorship, And I Can Cry if I Want To
"I will have all those criticizing me disappeared," Vladimir Putin mused to himself, "I'll need to bring back the KGB. And then other countries like Ukraine will fall in line. Soon the Soviet Union will be brought back to its glory it had under my hero Stalin... but in secret. Muh ha ha ha!"
Putin opened the door to his office to see Condoleezza Rice and President Bush sitting there. "What is this?"
"It's an intervention," Bush explained, "You're behaving too much like a dictator, and we felt it was time to confront you."
"Just the two of you?"
Bush shrugged. "Well, everyone else was too scared of you... which is just more evidence that you're a dictator!"
"That's crazy!" Putin yelled, "I was elected to my office."
"That was a phony election, and you know it, Pootie-Poot," Bush answered, "You didn't have any real competition."
"At least I wasn't appointed by the courts for my first term!" Putin shot back.
Bush jumped from his seat. "It was a majority vote in the courts!"
"You get out of here!" Putin demanded, "And stop meddling with my Balkans. They are mine to do with as I please and should be grateful of their Soviet oppression after World War II!"
"Not going to happen," Bush said. Some men in white coats came in and grabbed Putin.
"What's happening?" Putin shouted.
"They're taking you to the dictator rehab center," Bush explained. One of the men then grabbed Bush. "Hey!"
"We heard that you've been acting like a dictator, too," the man explained.
"That's just liberal propaganda!" Bush yelled as they began to drag him away. "Condi! Do something!"
"Can I be President while you're gone?" she asked.
"No! Absolutely not!"
Condi didn't hear Bush's response as she was already plotting evilly.
* * * *
"Well, we're in a dill of a pickle," Bush chuckled as he sat at a little desk next to Putin.
"You idiot!" Putin exclaimed, "Russia and America are no longer friends!"
"Quiet class," the teacher said, "Today we're going to learn about treating our citizenry with respect to their freedom. Let's start with testing where each of you are now on the subject. Let's say there are some people saying mean things about you - what do you do?"
"Have them disappeared in the middle of the night to a secret prison no one knows about!" Putin answered, "I am ruler of Russia! My authority will not be questioned!"
"I'm afraid that's wrong, Vladimir," the teacher said. "Can you answer it, George?"
"Uh... I cover my ears and shout, 'La! La! La!' so I can't hear them and maybe stick my head underwater," Bush said.
"That's closer to the right answer," stated the teacher, "What I was looking for is that you don't do anything to stop other people from speaking, because they all have a right to say what they want. Now, can either of you tell me why you don't run over protestors with tanks? Vladimir."
Putin thought for a moment. "It will get gunk in the tank treads and mess them up."
"I'm afraid that's wrong."
"Oh! I know!" Bush shouted, raising his hand, "Call on me!"
"Even though some people may be dumb and smelly, that still makes it wrong to crush their skulls with large vehicles," Bush recited.
"Very good!" the teacher exclaimed, "You get a gold star for that answer!"
"Suck up," Putin muttered.
"Now, our first lesson is going to be on interfering with other countries' elections," the teacher said as she turned to start writing on the blackboard.
Bush passed a folded piece of paper to Putin. Putin opened it up to see a stick figure drawing of the teacher saying, "Blah! Blah! Blah!"
"Dah!" Putin laughed, "It's funny because it's true!"
"Are you passing notes?" the teacher demanded.
Putin rose from his seat. "You will not question me! I am ruler of Russia! I will send you to gulag!"
"No one is going to a gulag!" the teacher shouted, "You sit back down right now, or you'll sit in the corner during snack time!"
Putin grudgingly sat.
"Pootie-poot got yelled at," Bush mocked.
Putin looked at Bush with a threatening stare. "I'll get you after class."
* * * *
"Since Bush is away to rehab..." Condi started to say.
"Rehab for what?" one of the reporters asked.
"I dunno... cocaine," Condi answered, "But that's not the point. The point is I am president now. You may all come and kiss my rings."
"The order of succession wouldn't make you president."
"As my first act as president, I changed the order of succession so that I am president," Condi explained, "Now, no more questioning me. Enforcers! Watch them!"
Large robots walked amongst the press. "What are these?" asked a panicked reporter.
"They are my new robot enforcers," Condi said, "They will do anything I say without question and eliminate all who defy me."
"You can't do that!"
"Take him away!" Condi demanded. A robot grabbed the reporter and lifted him in the air. "Have him work on the giant statue that is being made to honor my glory." Condi looked back to the press. "You will now be handed each day what you will report. Any deviation from my texts and my Enforcers will take care of you."
One reporter raised his hand. "Can we edit your propaganda for length?"
"Take him away!"
* * * *
"You two will share a room," the teacher told Bush and Putin.
"I call top bunk!" Bush yelled as he jumped on the top bunk. Putin grabbed Bush and tossed him to the ground.
"The top bunk is mine!"
"But I called it!"
"I care not! It is mine!"
"You two better learn how to settle this democratically," the teacher said.
Bush looked around the room. "Where's the T.V.?"
"No T.V. while you're here," the teacher said, "it will distract from the learning." The teacher then left the room and closed and locked the door.
"But they're to the last few finalists in American Idol!" Bush exclaimed, "I have to find who stays and who goes!" He grabbed Putin by his suit jacket and started shaking him. "I have to know! We need to escape!"
Putin swatted Bush's hands away. "Calm down! I used my KGB experience to formulate a plan of escape already. We'll kill most everyone here as an example to others."
"Don't be silly," Bush said, "We'll just make a rope out of sheets and climb out the window. That's how they always do it on T.V., and people who write for T.V. are smart."
Putin looked out the window. "It's ten stories down and we only have two sheets."
"That's not a 'can do' attitude," Bush said as he shoved Putin out of the way and jumped out the window with his makeshift rope. There was the sound of him screaming, followed by a thud, followed by him moaning, "Owww! My fragile bones!" Then there was silence, finally interrupted by a shout of, "Wahoo! I escaped!"
Putin stuck his head out of the window. "Wait for me!"
* * * *
"So where are we?" Putin asked Bush who was driving the truck.
"I don't even know what country we're in," Bush said, "I guess you should have asked for directions when you robbed that liquor store."
"Next time you have car running and waiting when you are getaway driver," Putin declared. "Idiot."
"I'll get you home soon," Bush promised, "So, I hope you learned a lesson from all this."
"I learn nothing!" Putin shouted, "Now I will crack down even harder on all who oppose me!"
Bush chuckled. "That's my crazy Pootie-Poot."
* * * *
Bush walked back into town. "Finally back to America," he stated. He looked around and didn't see anyone. "It's your president!" he shouted, "Someone come out and give me a tickertape parade in celebration of my return!"
A large robot walked towards Bush.
"Cool!" Bush exclaimed, "A robot like at Disney World!"
"You have broken the curfew!" the robot said in a mechanical voice.
The robot's eyes glowed red and it pointed its gatling gun arm at Bush's head. "Return to your place of residence now or you will be terminated."
"Do the robot dance!"
Clinton Meets Sean "Puffy" Combs
"So, for fifty bucks you can deliver a little "brown sugar" right to my hotel room? You got a deal!
[pic stolen from Huffy's "not really a blog because it doesn't have comments"]
May 10, 2005
I'd Post More Often...
... but I've been busy tossing wads of virtual paper into a virtual trash can.
Don't go there unless you have nothing else to do today, because you're gonna be there a while.
[Hat tip to Jed of Boots & Sabers]
American Idol - final four
What? They're not going to ignore all the elephants in Paula's dressing room?
So this week's show is geared toward Carrie and Bo making the finals. Country? Carrie and Bo.
Ok. I'm through with Carrie. All they had to do was announce the song she's singing, and I'm done with her.
Carrie 01 - Sin Wagon. Bad girl streak continues. Is she trying to make a point? Apparently I'm the only one who hated it, but oh I do hate vile songs. Except "I Want Your Sex" and "Sexual Healing". Always loved those songs. Her poor father.
Bo 02 - He has a very Travis Tritt voice, so he picked the right artist. Boring song, though I do like how he sings it. Very average performance from Bo, but at least it wasn't Sin Wagon. I'm sorry, was that Paula giving criticism? I have to agree with Simon.
What a cute grama Bo has. Vote for Bo's grama!
Vonzell 03 - I hope her second one is much better. Forgot the words, redeemed herself with the ending... that last high note almost did her in, but she held onto it ok. Kinda boring.
Hey Paula. Is Vonzell a beautiful performer? I don't know what's up with the Vonz, but I just want to give her a big hug and make her some hot chocolate.
Anthony 04 - I'm Already There. That song is so overplayed. Anthony's much the same every week, but I have to admit. I'd buy his CD single just to hear him croon the same note over and over.
News flash for Simon: Country Music is Hokey. See: George Strait, Travis Tritt, Alan Jackson, Randy Travis, Reba McEntyre (oh, for serious, intense hokeyness), Garth Brooks, Jimmy Wayne, Keith Urban, Kenny Chesney... Seriously.
Carrie 01 - Really good. Too bad I've already turned against her and hold a grudge.
Bo 02 - I like these shades much better than the ones he's been wearing recently. This is the first outstanding performance of tonight, but I almost can't hear it because they've still not fired the people working the sound so horribly this season.
Vonzell 03 - Wow, she looks so much like Jennifer Garner, maybe even moreso when she wears brown. She was great on this song. I'm voting for her.
Anthony 04 - That's brave singing the same song as Carrie, but he sounded splendid and actually did much better than she did. I'm voting for him for the first time in a long time.
my order tonight:
BTW, watching the videograms to family made me feel like I was eating a pound of sugar. I think I got a cavity.
Fear Your Overlord!
The Talent from The Triumverate took it upon herself to draw an image of what I, overlord of the blogdodecahedron, must look in my full costume based on my previous description:
I should have specified, that, as overlord, I will wear pants.
You Dare Face the Cheney?
I saw this headline at FOXnews.com:
"Appeals Court Backs Cheney in Energy Suit"
Wow! That's cool... so cool I didn't click on the link for the chance it's not about what I think it's about: Cheney in some special energy suit - maybe like something from Tron - and able to power blast anyone in his way. No wonder the appeals court is backing such a fearsome warrior. I wish I had an energy suit.
Anyhoo, time for some headline fun! You know the drill, and, if you don't, follow the lead of others in the comments.
Don't Fear the Reaper
Some people seem to think IMAO is changing, and they fear this change. To help everyone out, I wrote this FAQ to cover the concerns I've been hearing.
NEW FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT IMAO
Q. Could you write a new FAQ to describe the changes with your blog?
Q. What new things can we expect from IMAO?
Q. What sort of surprise? Terrorist attack? WMDs?
Q. I'll ask the questions here.
Q. So what is the goal with the changes to IMAO?
Q. Any means? Even murder?
Q. How about writing funnier?
Q. I have a few questions regarding IMAO becoming a group blog. Can I ask them?
Q. I haven't liked your blog as much since it became a group blog. What's wrong?
Q. Since you're diagnosing people, I have this pain in my leg...
Q. Uh... it's a three.
Q. How long do I have?
Q. I never liked IMAO even before it was a group blog.
Q. I Googled "slutty cheerleaders" and ended up here.
Q. I think IMAO has been going downhill ever since you hooked up with SarahK.
Q. I wasn't asking for a diagnosis; I was stating an opinion.
Q. Well I find IMAO even funnier now! I especially love those news round ups you do now, Frank.
Q. I have some more questions regarding the group blogging such as... Did I just hear you audibly sigh?
Q. Anyway, why does a spacemonkey now blog? Doesn't that violate the principle of the separation of IMAO and monkey?
Q. And what's with Harvey? I don't trust that guy.
Q. And who is this Scott guy?
Q. Is it true that RightWingDuck is Mexican?
Q. What's a "Cadet Happy"?
Q. Where is Aquaman?
Q. I don't want him to return.
Q. I don't like some of those posters. What can I do?
Q. That's too hard!
Q. The info on the left sidebar of your blog is outdated. Will you be updating it?
Q. What if I have something really important to tell you?
Q. When will you ever get that book out?
Q. Can I attend?
Q. Anymore questions.
Q. Are you hungry? Do you want a hot pocket?
Q. Did we just switch roles?
Be honorable, ronin.
Q. What's a ronin?
While Help Is Being Asked for Others...
Jackson's Junction needs your help. The website is better than TiVO at grabbing useful news and blog related video for your convenience (including about every time IMAO has actually been mentioned on TV), but that is some costly bandwidth. Whatever solution Trey Jackson finds to keep the site going will be useful to we here at IMAO as well since we plan on some higher bandwidth productions in the future.
Blogs for Bush and PoliPundit need your help!
Do you remember 100 days ago when 2008 presidential candidate John Kerry promised to execute an SF-180 to release his military records? (Let's forget for the moment the several times he also did so in 2004 during the presidential campaign.) Well, apparently John Kerry has forgotten because he hasn't done it. If you know the real story behind John Kerry's military service you know why. Anyway, Blogs for Bush and PoliPundit are coordinating an effort to "remind" him of his lack of diligence. Go to this website to print off the SF-180 and use the listed fax numbers to make sure that he has a copy of the form.
Totally True Tidbits About The Netherlands
George W. Bush is visiting Europe & Russia this week as part of the "See? I Told You So!" Victory Tour, although the official excuse is to mark the 60th anniversary of VE Day (or "Don't Make Us Come Over There Again Day", as it's known in the US). Naturally, Bush's visit caused thousands of smelly Euro-hippies to take to the streets in The Netherlands.
No, I've never heard of that country either.
So I did some Googling so I could present (in the extended entry) these:
* People who live in The Netherlands are called "Dutch", which makes about as much sense as calling peole who live in France "Great - yet humble - warriors"
* Most people refer to The Netherlands as "Holland", since having the word "The" in your country's name is, like, totally gay.
* Except for The United States of America, which is only gay along the edges.
* They added the "The" to "Netherlands" to differentiate it from all the other cheap knock-off imitation Netherlands that flooded the market after it became popular.
* Damn Chinese and their market-flooding cheap knock-offs!
* The Netherlands used to be called the The Netherregions, but people complained that it sounded too dirty.
* The Netherlands is known for its many windmills, most of which are non-poisonous.
* However, if a windmill bites you - even a non-poisonous one - your will become a lunatic donkey-riding Conquistador.
* It's legal to smoke marijuana in The Netherlands, which would explain why all the filthy Euro-hippie protesters are there in the first place.
* Experts agree that the best Tulips are grown in the Netherlands, having the highest THC content of any Tulip in the world.
* The Netherlands has no official language. It's citizens communicate with each other by hooting like excited monkeys.
* They can, however, be taught English through the judicious application of a cattle prod.
* The official currency of The Netherlands is the Euro, but with a subtle hand gesture, you can persuade most shopkeepers to accept Imperial Credits.
If I overlooked any important facts about the Netherlands, let me know in the comments.
Women: Please don't read this post. Men: Avoid Canada.
Every time I go to Canada, I get into some kind of misadventure that is neither comical nor interesting. Much like Canada itself.
My latest misadventure to Canada was capped off by a walk past the Luk Fook Jewelry (whose company profile notes they: "operates 28 jewellery retail shops in Hong Kong, Macau and Canada, realizing economies of scale for group operations and the brand name effect") store where my wife proceeded to drop an outrageous amount of money on wedding rings. Here are a couple of facts you should know:
Why women are reading this post right now is not a mystery to me at all: I asked you not to read so of course--you're reading... Yeah, I caught you and you're busted, honey. Lemme talk to the boys again:
I wanna ask every married man that reads IMAO a question: If you walked past a Best Buy in the mall and decided you were gonna blow three grand on a new HDTV plasma screen (even though you already have a five year-old TV that works perfectly), would your wife back you up on that little impulse purchase or would she immediately call her girlfriends, her little sister, her mom, her aunt, and the Dr. Laura show to complain about how all you care about is the NBA playoffs?
Man, if it wasn't for Tim Horton's, I'd friggin' despise Canada.
For those who don't know, Tim Horton's is to Canada what Starbuck's is to America. However, many Canadians might be horrified to learn that their national culinary mascot is owned by American food industry powerhouse Wendy's International, Inc.. Even in light of that great company being falsely accused by a finger-collecting psycho hag and her willing accomplices in the Old Media, I am a Wendy's fan. The day after that phony scandal broke I ate at my local Wendy's restaurant.
Dude, you know Texas Double-Bacon Cheesburgers are Man-food!
May 09, 2005
I feel kind of funny announcing this on the 20th week of my wife's pregancy, however I thought I would share this personal bit of information...
IT'S A BOY!!!
At least that's what the ultrasound shows.
The family is excited and my little girl is excited to know she will have a little brother come September.
Ronin Thought of the Day
Samurai Warlord Peter Pace, new nominee for Joint Chiefs of Staff, was asked about if our specialized approach to caves and tunnels is like that in WWII and Vietnam. He was to have replied:
Our specialized approach to caves and tunnels is to put 500-pound bombs in the entrance.
(Respectful bow to Jay Nordlinger)
In My World: Aw, Hell Part III
* * * *
"Is it true that Bush has been in secret talks with the forces of Heaven, violating the separation of church and state?" asked a reporter.
"That is incorrect," Scott McClellan answered, "there have been..." Scott paused for a moment. "Know what? This is ridiculous. I know MoveOn.org has been hammering us on this issue and lots of people find the separation of church and state very important, but there are exceptions to every rule... such as invasions from hell. It was Moloch who violated this separation, not us."
"How many times do I have to tell you journalists that you're not supposed to boo press conferences?" Scott griped.
"Melinda Hawkish, FOX News," stated Melinda Hawkish as she stepped forward, her clothes torn and marked with blood.
"I know FOX is leading the cable news race," Scott commented, "but you should still have some dress standards."
"I had to beat off a mob of reporters under the influence of Moloch using just my microphone," Melinda explained.
Scott thought on that for a moment. "Yeah, that'll happen. So what's your question?"
"Is President Bush fully prepared to fend off the threat of Moloch and his demons?"
"Yes, we want to assure all America that this is being taken care of and the horror will soon be over."
"But what about those who believe the president to be an idiot? What assurance do you give them?"
Scott was silent for a second. "He means well?"
* * * *
"Such foolishness," Satan exclaimed at the T.V., "Like I never thought of invading Earth with the denizens of hell. This is going to end poorly."
"At least Moloch is doing something," Beelzebub remarked.
"Ms. Bee, I am doing what is known as plotting," Satan replied indignantly.
"Strange. I would have called it vegging out on the couch while watching seasons of the X-Files on DVD."
"I don't need your attitude right now," Satan answered with annoyance, "I see great problems here. We all know Moloch isn't the brightest bulb and never would have had the initiative to do this himself. The drooling mobs of MoveOn.org couldn't have initiated this either. That means there's some other force of evil out there, one so sinister it can hide itself from even me, Satan, the king of all malice."
"Interesting,” Bee yawned, “Anyway, I'm ordering Chinese; you want some."
"I'll have the Kung Pao chicken... but tell them not so many peanuts this time."
* * * *
The van passed a sign reading, "Now Entering Texas (Don't Mess With It)."
"I can't believe Moloch set up headquarters in Texas!" Bush exclaimed, "That's totally messing with it! We can't waste any time in stopping Moloch."
"Then why did we spend a couple of hours finding a van that looked exactly like the one from the A-Team?" Alberto Gonzales asked.
"If it needs to be explained to you, you'll never understand," Bush answered irately.
"We have the means to fight the demons," Buck the Marine said prepping his rifle, "but how are we going to take down Moloch himself?"
Bush smiled. "I have a plan for that. We’ll..."
"We'll need a better one," Condoleezza Rice interrupted.
"I swiped Michael's spear from the backseat of his car," Cheney stated as he unveiled the weapon by pulling back a blanket, "I figured if we hit Moloch with this, it'll do some damage."
"Good 'ole Cheney," Bush laughed, "never too proud to steal from a messenger from God. Now we just need to fight our way to Moloch. It won't be easy, but just remember the words the archangel Michael left us with."
"@#$% you?" Condi inquired.
"Uh... on second thought, let's think of something Jesus said."
"The meek shall inherit the Earth?" Alberto suggested.
"Well... uh... what did He say about the heavily armed?" Bush asked.
"This is a fool's errand," Rumsfeld grumbled, "I want to stop and take a nap."
"No napping until good triumphs over evil," Bush shot back.
Rumsfeld just growled and slumped back against a wall.
Thus into the devil infested lands ventured our intrepid heroes: Dubya the Brave, Cheney the Wise, Rumsfeld the Old and Grumpy, Condi the Schemer, Alberto the Mexican, and Buck the Courageous. The devastation of the land and the eternal darkness it was under brought fear to their hearts, but still they ventured forth, making good time on reaching the center of evil since they made few rest stops and just had a quick lunch at a Taco Bell.
"My state!" Bush mourned, "It has been totally and completely messed with!"
"All the high schools have been infested with slutty cheerleaders!" Condi exclaimed.
"I remember when cheerleading was about more than being slutty," Bush cried, "It was about cheering your team on to victory."
"It can be that way again!" Cheney assured Bush.
"I'd rather the sluts," Alberto declared.
"For'ners!" Buck warned, "Demon for'ners! Coming from all sides!"
"It's time for action!" Bush declared as he started the A-Team theme on the van's stereo.
The devils flooded around the van, howling in rage, but our heroes struck back with a holy vengeance, knocking away the evil horde with their armaments from God. Embattled, they continued towards the fires ahead that marked where the unholy terror Moloch dwelled.
"Close enough!" Bush yelled as he stopped the van, "Buck, you provide cover fire while the rest of us head to confront Moloch."
"Why am only I providing cover fire?" Buck asked.
"Because I plan to use lots of witty banter when fighting Moloch and I want as many people as possible around to hear it."
Our heroes exited the van, and Buck kept back the demons with his advance Marine tactics of shooting anything that moved. Soon, Bush was in the towering presence of Moloch, but a familiar figure stood beside the terror.
"And that's why I think you'll find we Democrats are better to work with," Senator Harry Reid told Moloch, "We'll compromise on anything, especially on issues of good and evil."
"When this world is mine, you will be my puppet to control the masses," Moloch told Reid.
"Does that rank higher or lower than Senate minority leader?" Reid inquired.
"No deals for devils!" Bush declared, "You die good, now, Moloch!"
"That's your witty banter?" Cheney asked.
Bush shrugged his shoulders and then threw the mighty spear of Michael. It struck Harry Reid's foot.
"Idiot!" Condi yelled, "That was our one chance!"
"I just assumed I'd be good with a spear," Bush answered.
Laughter erupted around them. Instead of demons, it was MoveOn.org, filming the event. "As we see, the theocrat Bush is no match in this situation," one narrated to a camera.
"Don't call me Theo!" Bush yelled and fired a shot in the air. MoveOn.org scattered and hid behind rocks.
"Puny mortals!" Moloch yelled, "I have existed before time itself, and you cannot stop me!" Moloch flapped his giant wings, the wind sending Bush and company flying backwards.
"That's it!" Alberto declared, picking up his sombrero and pulling out his switchblade, "I'm going to cut you good, Moloch!" He charged the demon. "You'll wish you were in Gitmo!"
Moloch laughed and flames rose around him.
"Aiee!" Alberto cried as he ran away, "Too hot! Maybe we can negotiate."
"Uh, I'm about out of ammo," Buck said as he approached Bush, thousands of demons now encircling the group.
"Great!" Cheney exclaimed, "I'm going to get killed! Now I'll never get my kickbacks from Halliburton!"
"At least 'Killed fighting demons in Texas' will make a good obituary," Bush said, "Unlike when I almost died trying to fix the bathroom sink."
"Now comes the time of your destruction," Moloch laughed, "You will burn forever in the fires of hell and... OW! MY EYE!" Moloch clutched his face right after a rock had struck it.
"You talk too much," Rumsfeld growled, "Time to end this so I can have a nap."
Rumsfeld jumped at Moloch, getting his hands around the demon's throat. Moloch thrashed about, and fire flared all around him, but Rumsfeld held fast. Soon the fire grew so much that both the figures of Moloch and Rumsfeld disappeared behind it. Finally, the fire died down, and all that was left was a note reading, "I'm Donald Rumsfeld. I strangled this demon from hell."
"Rumsfeld sent Moloch back to hell!" Cheney exclaimed, "But he was pulled in with him!"
"Yeah!" Bush yelled, "That was so cool! I hope someone was filming it!"
The dark clouds in the sky gave way to the sun, and the demons all fled.
"Yes!" Bush declared, "The Bush administration triumphs once again!"
"What about Rumsfeld being stuck in hell?" Buck asked.
"We'll have to organize a military strike to go get him," Bush said, but then stopped to think. "Actually, that sort of thing would have been Rumsfeld's job to organize. Aw, I'm sure he'll find his own way out of hell."
"I could be Secretary of Defense," Condi suggested.
Bush laughed. "No, you're already Secretary of State and a woman."
A bright light shot down from heaven, and in it descended the archangel Michael adorned in shining armor. "You have defeated Moloch," he declared, "and proven yourself before the eyes of... MY @#$% SPEAR!!!" Michael pulled the spear from Reid's foot.
"Oh, thank you, angel from Heaven!" Reid exclaimed.
"You stole my @#$% spear!" Michael shouted back, "I'm going to @#$% you up!" He started smacking Reid around.
"That's funny!" Bush chuckled, "I hope someone is filming that too." He looked around. "Hey, MoveOn.org escaped."
* * * *
"This campaign may have failed," George Soros said at the meeting of MoveOn.org, "Just like all our other campaigns, but we'll just try again with our mindless hatred. I'm sure some good will come of it eventually."
"Those demons were cool!" one hippy declared, "Too bad they’re all gone."
"There's still one left," said another hippy pointing to a figure in the corner.
"That sure is an angry looking a demon."
Everyone paused to stare at the creature. "A very angry looking demon... AHHH!!!"
He's Chomps, Chomps, the world's angriest dog.
* * * *
The Dark Empress watched the slaughter of MoveOn.org on her monitor. "You may think you have won this time, Mr. Bush, but with each attack you grow weaker. And, in a few election cycles, the world will be mine. Muh ha ha ha!
Stay tuned for the thrilling conclusion of "In My World: Aw, Hell" which is written and will be posted soon. I already checked all the other blogs out there, and none have anything worth reading, so just stay here and wait, maybe thumbing through the archives. And perhaps one of my co-bloggers will post something; I have no idea what goes through their minds and have lost all control over them.
Oh, and I got something for you to do. Spacemonkey had his response to Reid's statement about Bush, "I think this guy is a loser." What's your idea for the perfect comeback?
Put in comments.
RWD's News Round-Up, Monday
I'm RightWingDuck and I'm here to share the news.
Did you watch the Kentucky Derby. The winner was the longshot of the race - Giacomo.
Nobody was happier than the owner and the Giaci who rode him.
The Kentucky Derby just goes to show you - no matter how much money you have you just can't BUY a winner. As George Steinbrenner should know by know.
Things didn't go well for Steinbrenner's horse. Right, out the chute, it was surrounded by so many horses rear ends - it's like he was a member of the Yankees.
Haha. A little "I wish the Yankees would die" humor.
In a new strategy, Steinbrenner bought every horse in the country. His chances for next year look pretty good, if the horses can stay healthy.
A public school teacher in Georgia was fired recently. His crime against humanity? Giving a student athlete a lower grade for sleeping in class.
(Hat Tip: Michelle Malkin)
Of course, it's not ususual to catch a student sleeping in class - I do feel the young football player was pushing things when he came to class in tiger striped jammies.
Other's felt he took it too far when he asked the class to make "ocean noises".
So the teacher gives this guy a poor grade and gets fired when he refuses to change it!
What kind of future can this young man have, now? Airport security? Michael Jackson attorney?
Let me just say that it is indeed sometimes appropriate to wake a student. In fact, public school policy allows for it specifically. Especially when the student is hogging the covers.
You know how they can tell when public school students are sleeping? The test scores go up.
So the physics teacher gets fired. However, they might bring him back into the school system - especiallly if the baseball teams keeps oversleeping!
Is it safe to blame sexy cheerleading? That kind of stuff can keep you from sleeping.
General Motors and Ford both have had a bit of hard luck. Recently their bond ratings slipped and they are now classified as "Junk". Which means their credit rating now matches the quality of their cars. Hahahahaha.
On a positive note, their cars were indeed upgraded to AAA-POS.
Good news. Ford and GM are announcing bold new strategies for dealing with the competition.
A junk bond status is weird. On the one hand, you can buy the stock for dirt cheap. On the other hand, you just know you'll have to buy the stock that comes with the extended warranty.
I can just picture a stock broker with a client.
"Sure, Ford is a good deal. A great deal"
Enjoy your day.
May 08, 2005
IMAO Congratulates Mothers
Is the stance of the entire IMAO staff (Harvey excepted) that mothers are a good thing. Thus, I would like to thank all mothers today for all the motherly things they do. It would be easy enough to sit us down in front of a T.V. all day and leave at that, but you take the extra effort to raise us right. On some it is wasted, but, hey, thems the knocks, but, for others, it makes all the difference in the world.
Motherhood can be a hard thankless job, but you do it anyway. You are ronin of true honor.
May 06, 2005
Evil Glenn's Mother's Day Adventure
(A Filthy Lie)
[a customer walks in the door]
Evil Glenn: Good Morning.
Owner: Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the American Flower Emporium!
Evil Glenn: Ah, thank you, my good man.
Owner: What can I do for you, Sir?
Evil Glenn: Well, I was sitting on my throne of blackest ice, filleting a hobo, when a glance at the calendar reminded me of my matriarchal celebratory duties.
Owner: Matriarchal, sir?
Evil Glenn: Maternal.
Evil Glenn: It's almost Mother's Day.
Owner: Ah, Mother's Day!
Evil Glenn: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, "a little blooming flora will do the trick," so, I curtailed my homicidal activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some finely stemmed blossomry!
Owner: Come again?
Evil Glenn: I want to buy some flowers.
(...cont'd in extended entry...)
Owner: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bouzouki player!
Evil Glenn: Oh, heaven forbid: I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse!
Evil Glenn: Yo! He be jammin' bad, fo' shizzle!
Owner: So he can go on playing, can he?
Evil Glenn: Most certainly! Now then, some flowers please, my good man.
Owner: Certainly, sir. What would you like?
Evil Glenn: Well, eh, how about some Forget-me-nots.
Owner: I'm afraid we're fresh out of Forget-me-nots, sir.
Evil Glenn: Oh, never mind, how are you on Sunflowers?
Owner: I'm afraid we never have them at the end of the week, sir, we get them fresh on Monday.
Evil Glenn: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four of your sunniest Daffodils, if you please.
Owner: Ah! They've been on order, sir, for two weeks. Were expecting them this morning.
Evil Glenn: 'T's not my lucky day, is it? Aah, Foxglove?
Owner: Sorry, sir.
Evil Glenn: Spider Orchid?
Owner: Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.
Evil Glenn: Ah. Lady's Slipper?
Evil Glenn: Lupins? Chrysanthemums?
Evil Glenn: Any Monkshood, per chance.
Evil Glenn: Snapdragons?
Evil Glenn: Goosefoot?
Evil Glenn: Scarlet Plume?
Evil Glenn: Lily of the Valley?
Evil Glenn: Amaryllis?
Owner: (pause) No.
Evil Glenn: Blue Throatwort?
Evil Glenn: Eustoma?
Evil Glenn: Cockscomb, Gillyflower, Love-in-a-mist, Evening Primrose, Statice, Mimosa, Peony, Stonecrop, Montbretia?
Evil Glenn: Carnations, perhaps?
Owner: Ah! We have Carnations, yessir.
Evil Glenn: (suprised) You do! Excellent.
Owner: Yessir. It's..ah,... They're a bit smelly...
Evil Glenn: Oh, I like them smelly.
Owner: Well,.. They're *very* smelly, actually, sir.
Evil Glenn: No matter. Fetch hither the brightly petalled glory! Mmmwah!
Owner: I...think they're a bit smellier than you'll like them, sir.
Evil Glenn: I don't care how f***ing smelly they are. Hand it over with all speed.
Owner: Oooooooooohhh........! (pause)
Evil Glenn: What now?
Owner: The goat's eaten them.
Evil Glenn: (pause) Has he.
Owner: She, sir.
Evil Glenn: (pause) Lavender?
Evil Glenn: Bee Balm?
Evil Glenn: Snow on the Mountain?
Evil Glenn: Painter's Pallette?
Evil Glenn: Queen Anne's Lace?
Owner: No, sir.
Evil Glenn: You...do *have* some flowers, don't you?
Owner: (brightly) Of course, sir. It's a flower shop, sir. We've got--
Evil Glenn: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.
Owner: Fair enough.
Evil Glenn: Uuuuuh, Sweet William.
Evil Glenn: Ah, well, I'll have some of those!
Owner: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir. William Wensleydale, that's my name.
Evil Glenn: (pause) Sneezeweed?
Owner: Uh, not as such.
Evil Glenn: Uuh, Hyacinth?
Evil Glenn: Kansas Feather,
Evil Glenn: Lady's Mantle,
Evil Glenn: Kangaroo Paw,
Evil Glenn: African Corn Lily,
Evil Glenn: Alpine Thistle,
Evil Glenn: Chincherinchee?
Owner: Not *today*, sir, no.
Evil Glenn: (pause) Aah, how about Roses?
Owner: Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir.
Evil Glenn: Not much ca-- it's the single most popular flower in the world!
Owner: Not 'round here, sir.
Evil Glenn: (slight pause) and what IS the most popular flower 'round hyah?
Owner: Marigolds, sir.
Evil Glenn: IS it.
Owner: Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular in this manor, squire.
Evil Glenn: Is it.
Owner: It's our number one best seller, sir!
Evil Glenn: I see. Uuh...Marigolds, eh?
Owner: Right, sir.
Evil Glenn: All right. Okay. 'Have you got any?' he asked, expecting the answer 'no'.
Owner: I'll have a look, sir........nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.
Evil Glenn: It's not much of a flower shop, is it?
Owner: Finest in the district!
Evil Glenn: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.
Owner: Well, it's so clean, sir!
Evil Glenn: It's certainly uncontaminated by flowers....
Owner: (brightly) You haven't asked me about Daisies, sir.
Evil Glenn: Would it be worth it?
Owner: Could be....
Evil Glenn: Have you --SHUT THAT BLOODY BOUZOUKI OFF!
Owner: Told you sir....
Evil Glenn: (slowly) Have you got any Daisies?
Evil Glenn: Figures. Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me:
Evil Glenn: (deliberately) Have you in fact got any flowers here at all.
Owner: Yes, sir.
Evil Glenn: Really?
Owner: No. Not really, sir.
Evil Glenn: You haven't.
Owner: No sir. Not a stem. I was deliberately wasting your time, sir.
Evil Glenn: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.
Owner: Right-Oh, sir.
(Evil Glenn takes out a gun and shoots the owner)
Evil Glenn: What a *senseless* waste of human life.
I admire Michelle Malkin. She has good word usements.
In one post, she directs her readers to a great quiz on grammar.
Mark Goldblatt at NRO give the quiz.. Being the kind of IMAO writer who aspirates to master the English language, I figured I’d applicate my skills to see how I would do.
Well, a long time ago, Santa hired two assistants. One was really good and got things done. The other was clingy and kept blaming “shortism” for all of his failings. Eventually, the clingy one was promoted to ensure diversity in the Elf staff and, well, let us never talk about the exploding Jack In the Boxes again. Eventually, Independent Clause started his own business with labor from third world countries, and threatened Santa with a buyout. I forgot how it ends. But I’m pretty sure we can blame Wal-Mart.
2) Find the subject in the following sentence: "Many of my friends drive to school."
A Ha! A trick question! Some would say that the Subject is Driver’s Education. But it asks about driving TO the school, which tells us that it’s morning. The fact that many friends are involved means that Bill and Jane are probably getting cozy in the backseat while the thumping bass on the car stereo breaks windows as it passes through the neighborhood. I’m not saying it’s Sex Ed, but it’s pretty darn close.
Let’s use a visual aid
(RWD pulls out a 15 pound hamburger)
First there’s there’s the pre-bite. That’s where you say, “Hmm. I’m gonna get me some of this!” Then there’s the actual bite itself. I recommend small bites, this way you can talk while you’re eating. Then, there’s the post-bite. Postbites vary. For some, they order a doggy bag, Others take a big drink. If you’re like me, you can pretend you found some gross thing in your food so you can try to get it for free (unless you’re lucky enough to end up with a REAL finger tip or something.)
4) "Jane has been dating John for two years." Is that sentence written in a present tense or a past tense?
I’ve met John. Believe me. Two years is a long enough sentence for any woman. I recommend they think about breaking up. Methods for breaking up include, Dear John letters, phone conversations, or faking your own disappearance.
5) "Jane has been dating John for two years." Change that sentence to the corresponding past tense.
Well, it just so happens that corresponding is what I do best!! Try this one:”Dear John, it’s not you. It’s me…”
6) What three parts of speech can an adverb modify?
As you know. Adverbs are not native to North America. They came over on the Mayflower with the original settlers and were used to torture to poor native Americans. So Natives got orders such as “Finish this promptly” and “Run for your lives, quickly!” As such, I do not acknowledge adverbs as a legitimate part of life.
Had they not come over, nothing here would have been modified. Sure some people say, “How would I know to run quickly?” and I say, “You’re stupid. Have you ever heard of slow running?” –besides the movies just before the car explodes behind you. That’s cool.
“Look at the bomb. It blew up!”
7) What is the main use of a semi-colon?
Medical questions? Man, this is harder than the census. The Semi-colon is located on the human body just before the colon. Let me just say that I’m a big believer in cancer screenings for semi-colorectal cancer.
8) "Jane invited John and me." "Jane invited John and I." Which is correct?
See, what I told you about Jane. She can’t even make up her mind. This is why she should not have to carry out her full sentence with John. I vote that her sentence be overturned.
Simple. It’s never good to advise somebody that they are not wanted in a party. It’s always best to make up an excuse, such as “we’ll get back to you” or “they cheated” or “let’s wait until 2008”.
I disagree. Everyone is entitled to MY opinion – although, honestly speaking, opinions vary. Besides, I've met everyone. Really. And the only thing they want to talk about is whether or not Paula Abdul is dating Dependant Clause.
I’ll go back later and grade the test. Right now I need to sit and play some videogames.
IMAO, A Lean, Mean Humor Machine
Meant to finish up "IMW: Aw, Hell" today, but it just ain't happening. Well, it will keep me from struggling for a post for Monday. As I said numerous times so far, politics has just been boring lately. I guess, since I've been blogging, we've had the build up to war to fill up time during these political off years. Right now the issues are Social Security and filibusters, and I'm just not that much of a policy wonk to get worked up by that. I guess I could talk about the British elections, but that's like me commenting on an alien craft.
A very boring alien craft.
Anyway, I am the undisputed overlord of the blogdodecahedron, so I say we look to the future. Right now, I'm finally getting a handle on cleaning up all the comment spam. Comments and trackbacks are now closed for any post older than 14 days, which stops new sludge from coming in. As for cleaning up my archives to free up disk space and to keep them looking like a cesspool, I've found that actually going into the SQL database (if you know what that is - I don't) seems the best way to find the old spam and delete it in mass. Soon IMAO will be a streamlined humor machine.
Also, I'm finally rushing to finish the book of all the In My Worlds™ up until Bush's second inauguration. There will be a bit of new content, but mainly it will be the hundreds of posts preserved as they were. I'm excited about getting IMAO into print, and you should be to. :: shakes fist ::
Secretly, in the background, we IMAO bloggers are working on even more exciting, crazy things. One day, IMAO will be so funny that the mere mention of the letter I, M, A, and O will cause you to wet your pants in a Pavlovian response. Yes, the secret plans are that good.
Of course, we're (meaning not me but the others writing for IMAO) are interested in your feedback on what you like and what you think would make IMAO even better and superer. Please place any suggestions in the comments, but, for pete's sake, don't e-mail me. I like the Carnival of Comedy, myself, and will put an old, favorite post as my entry each week. And Aquaman will be returning in force, eventually (for anyone who cares).
Wish I could be more funny, but the muse just ain't there today (it was practically knocking me to the ground and beating me with a trashcan yesterday). Maybe it will come later. Who knows. As always, keep revisiting IMAO for whenever my funny or the funny of others will appear.
Be honorable, ronin.
The Terrorists Aren't Even Trying Anymore
Yesterday in New York, somebody filled two toy grenades with gunpoweder and set them off in a concrete plantholder outside the building housing the British Consulate.
What's next? Setting a Barbie doll on fire on the White House lawn? Lighting one of those "snake" things on the floor of the UN? Frying an ant with a magnifying glass in Times Square?
Oh! The Humanity!
I'm not the only one who's unimpressed, as shown by some of these quotes (margin of inaccuracy +/- CBS):
First, Secretary of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff has a few comments:
"They attacked a flowerpot. That's not terrorism, that's herbicide."
"I can do more damage with a cross word and a dirty look."
"Incompetent execution, no casualties, minimal damage - obviously not the work of REAL terrorists. Currently we suspect filthy hippies, possibly retarded ones."
"Did you see the tiny little chunk it knocked out of that flowerpot? Cripes, I've gotten bigger explosions from trying to light a cigarette while sitting on the john after eating too many burritos."
"That attack was so lame we're actually going to LOWER the terror threat level because of it."
"If it's true that 'you are what you attack', that means these guys are pansies."
Other reactions were similar:
Tony Blair: "NYAH! NYAH! You missed! Wankers!"
Queen Elizabeth: "England has had the entire Nazi Army breathing down her neck, and you expect us to be afraid because you blew up a Petunia? Sod off, ya bloody poofters!"
George W. Bush: "Seriously, I break s*** worse than that around the White House every day just from being a klutz."
Detective Ian Competent, Washington D.C. Police Detective: "The fact that police are completely baffled indicates to me that this is unquestionably the work of the Rumsfeld Strangler."
Glenn Reynolds: "Sorry. I was aiming for the hobo."
Michael Moore: "They were freedom fighters protesting Bush's illegal war for oil! They... OO! Twinkies!"
Let me know if you've heard anyone else say anything about this story.
May 05, 2005
00000101 00000101 00000101 Carnival Of Comedy (Week 2)
Welcome to the 00000101 00000101 00000101 Edition of the Carnival of Comedy!
I know, I know it's the second week and maybe I COULD have named it the 2nd Carnival of Comedy but the other carnivals are all way up there on their numbers. Since there's really no set rules ( I checked) to what number you have to put on a carnival. So I figure why not put a message in binary? Binary things are collections of 2 things, commonly called pairs of things, a couple. It may actually be twice as funny as last week.
The Carnival of Comedy this week, I think, has something for everyone whether you're a fan of off-the-wall cheap-production math rock or not. I know I am.
I'd like to think I did a somewhat decent job reviewing the entries for content. But let me know in the comments if I missed something that should be warned about. Be sure to leave the funnymakers some comments on their blogs too, if you likey their funny.
With no further ado about nothing, here's the 00000101 00000101 00000101 Edition of the Carnival of Comedy. A Carnival so nice, Something Something (that's twice).
Kyle Dunham at Guns and Glory sits down for a one-on-one dinner date with Michael Moore before the release of F9/11. His (assuming the name Kyle indicates a male individual) account of said dinner date is entitled "Dinner Date With Michael Moore"
Grant Reichert at Creative Destruction presents an idea to make the new Pope more Pope-ular in "New pope can appease reformists by supporting complicated food "
Did you miss "The Apprentice" when the "job applicants" had the task of "designing" office supply products? Ironman at Political Calculations watches this reality show so you don't have to! After he did he wrote some stuff so he could give us 'Designing "The Apprentice"'
Unknown Blogger Frank J. at IMAO presents his luckily incorrect prediction as to what he would post May 3rd, 2005 - In My Possible Future World: The Howard Dean Presidency Shudder
Lee Zanello at See The Donkey says he had a band, yada yada yada and then tells us "funny stuff is in the music downloads at the bottom of the page." as he presents The Comedic Wunderband: Yodacock [couldn't preview all the songs but he ones I did were clean-ish]
Spacemonkey, your host, enters some foolishness about Coca Cola Zero - The Binary Cola
Thanks for submitting funny, reading funny, linking funny, commenting funny or just plain looking funny. Thanks for whatever role you played in this 00000101 00000101 00000101 Edition of the Carnival of Comedy!
Slutty Cheerleaders and Terrorism
Look at Michelle Malkin and her prudishness. What a sourpuss. We should do what we bloggers do best and digitally lynch her.
How is that done again? Oh yeah, we talk about her on our blogs. I guess I already did that so... uh... Take that Malkin!
Then again, I'm a social conservative myself, and am constantly watching T.V. saying, "I wouldn't want my theoretical kids watching this trash." Thus, maybe I should listen more to Malkin and reevaluate myself.
This brings me to my main topic: slutty cheerleaders.
Now, I briefly touched on this issue yesterday, but I think I should give it more focus. While it doesn't relate to the most important issue we face today - that being "where is my coffee" - it does relate to the second most important issue we face today: terrorism.
"Wait a second!" you're probably yelling at your computer screen, scaring those around you, "How is terrorism so important to you? Who's trying to blow you up?"
Well, no one is trying to blow me up at this moment. Melbourne, Florida, isn't exactly high on the terrorist's target list - it probably doesn't even make the top one hundred. On the other hand, my brother is in Iraq, and every once in a while I get a call where he says, "Man! There are terrorists all around here and they're trying to kill me. Me! Granted, they suck at it, but still!"
And what am I to say to that except, "Well, you should hear about my day!"
"Why? What happened?"
"On the way to my office, I nodded off and walked into a wall."
"Egads! How could such a predicament occur?"
"I didn't have enough coffee!"
"How could you not have enough coffee?"
"I don't where it is!"
"You should know where your coffee is."
"Absolutely! It's the most important issue I face today!"
Anyway, some of you are wondering what do slutty cheerleaders have to do with terrorism. Others of you had completely forgotten I mentioned slutty cheerleaders. You'd be the women. The guys were constantly shouting through that previous sequence, "Get to the slutty cheerleaders!" (this would probably also disturb people around you, but some will just understand that's guys being guys).
So, I had this whole rant about slutty cheerleaders and terrorism, but then I realized I have a very short attention span and, while I can write rants, I'm not much for reading them. But, if I write a rant, I have to read it for proofreading purposes.
"YOU PROOFREAD!" at least one of you just screamed (again, apologies to those around the people reading this - who, inevitably aren't reading this apology).
Yes, I do in fact proofread, though, proofreading something right after you write it inevitability leaves many mistakes still in the text. But, you should see these things before the proofreading; you'd have trouble figuring what language it was written in.
Get to the slutty cheerleaders!
Sorry for the tangents. Anyhoo, I settled on doing an FAQ which works better for my generation’s affliction of ADD.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT SLUTTY CHEERLEADERS AND TERRORISM
Q. Dear sir, how are slutty cheerleaders and terrorism related?
"Look at the Americans and their slutty cheerleaders! I am so outraged I will blow them up! Now leave me alone for a moment so I can watch more of these cheerleaders and be... enraged."
Q. Why should we care what terrorists think of how our cheerleaders are dressed? They suck!
Q. Insidious how?
Q. Oh, dear!
"It was horrible! There was an explosion and blood and bodies everywhere! If that wasn't enough to frighten my little girl, you should have seen what the terrorists are wearing! I don't want my child exposed to that!"
Q. So what do we do?
Q. Sorry to interrupt, but do you have pictures of those cheerleaders?
Q. Rats... Well, carry on.
ME: I don't care how much being a part of the cheerleading squad means to you; you're not going out in public in such an outfit!
Q. You do have a vivid imagination.
Q. I believe it's spelled "Qur'an."
Q. Anyway, back to the subject at hand, haven't you just illustrated that slutty cheerleaders is more of a parental issue?
Q. This is starting to seem like some ploy from one of you theocons to force your values on everyone.
Q. We would be screwed!
Q. So, slutty cheerleaders might not only mean worse terrorism, but could damn our eternal souls!
Q. But isn't it Jesus who does the judging?
Q. Neither, since it's the same person writing the "questions" and the "answers."
Q. Of course it is. You made it.
Q. Anyway, is there a point to all this?
Q. No, because neither you nor I were alive then.
Q. Sure. Go on.
CHILD: What did the president do wrong?
Q. You know, you keep skirting the edge of decency yourself.
Q. Again, you had a point...
Q. No, what?
Q. What can we do?
Q. What if I want to have Jewish children?
Q. I assume either the burning or the eternalness since there is only two aspects to an eternal hell fire.
Q. And I guess you could say the other part is the best part of an eternal hell fire.
Q. You know, with the Islamists, it's believe what I believe or I'll blow you up. With you Christian fundamentalists, it's believe what I believe or eternal hell fire. Can't we have some more positive talking points?
Q. Can I still watch the new episodes of Family Guy?
Q. Could this FAQ have been more pointless?
Q. Have you been doing drugs?
Be honorable, ronin.
RWD's News Round Up, Thursday
This is RightWingDuck and I’m here to share the news.
I’m sorry I missed yesterday’s roundup. I was.. um. Um.
Kidnapped by an Hispanic and a white lady.
Jennifer Wilbanks is still in the news. You know, sometimes you get tired of the joke writing, and along comes Jennifer and you find your second wind.
The Hispanic community is upset that Jennifer thought to blame them for her abduction. She owes them an apology. And the police, and the rescue workers, and the volunteers, and the people who donated products and services to the volunteers, and her guests. .and..
You know what? It’s a sad day when the only person NOT clamoring for an apology is Al Sharpton.
And the fiancée.
Yes, the fiancée still wants to have the wedding. Or as he calls it “Best two out of three.”
I’m not saying the guests are distrustful. But I believe it will be the first time they run the bride to the altar on a rail.
It's very sweet. The minister is trying to accomodate the emotional needs of the bride.
We are gathered today to join this man and woman in holy matrimony. The exits are located to their side and to the rear…Next bus leaves in 10 minutes.
In Texas, lawmakers have banned sexy cheerleading. Meaning that the next time you see a high school cheerleading squad –it will have nothing but guys.
In all sincerity, that bumping and grinding was getting out of control. You know you’re going too far when your cheerleaders walk off the field and their shorts of full of dollar bills.
Now, Schools will be constantly watching the games for anything remotely sexual.
Squad: Gimme an "F"
Squad: Gimme a "U"…
State Lawman: I’m sorry ladies. What do you think you were going to spell?
Squad leader: We were going to do our school cheer!
TL: That is horribly inappropriate. That is just not the way you should do things here at Fulton High School.
I'm glad they passed that law. What are we TEACHING our kids!
A school in Elma Washington made the news when a detective came to class for a cooking demonstration. The dish of the day? Meth. That’s right,good old, get addicted, swipe your neighbor’s stereo, until you wind up in the street gutter – meth
The police officer gave them all of the basics on how to make it. Parents of course are outraged. Personally, it’s one thing to make drugs. I think he took it too far when he offered to set the kids up with a distributor.
It was like an Amway presentation..
And you recruit two more dealers, and if you do that and they recruit two more, then you’re a manager. Now, bonus money….
I don’t blame the school system though. It was an honest mistake. Typo really. The class curriculum should have said.. This year we will focus on reading, writing, and MATH!!
The school is trying to recover from the bad press. Hopefully, things will get better by next Monday to celebrate Bring some Nyquil to School day.
The sad part is that nobody CARES what Paula thinks.
She helped him pick songs? I'm sorry – but if she knew how to pick songs she would STILL HAVE A SINGING CAREER!
And clothes?The judges don’t care what the contestants wear. Heck, next week the theme is Sing In a Clown Costume!!
Poor Paula. She has been through so much in her career. Remember when Paula got sued by her backup singer because the backup ended up having her vocals put on the lead – instead of Paula. Hmm.
Personally, I liked Corey. He was a good singer but he had such a high voice… hey wait a minute. Hmm. High voice? Omigosh- Paula wasn’t looking for a boyfriend, She was looking for a ghost singer!!
That’s when you know you’re in trouble.
Judge: How do you plead?
England: Guilty to everything, your honor.
Judge: Not good enough!
England: (Looking around, confused) Uh,guilty with a cherry on top?
Bruce Springsteen’s new album will not be played in any of the Starbucks stores.
Aww. True, one of the songs contains lyrics where he talks about hiring a Reno prostitute for anal sex.
Starbucks isn’t concerned about the language. It’s concerned that it might make people start to think!
Customer #1:Hey, did the Boss just sing about anal sex?
Next in line: Hmmm. Why, yes. Yes, he did.
Customer #1: OMIGOSH. Am I REALLY paying Four Bucks for a lousy cup of coffee!!?
Next in line: Hey, we’d do better in Reno!
I guess as long as you THINK you’re getting good coffee, that’s all that matters.
BBC reports that researchers see no valid difference in treating migraine headaches with either real acupuncture or fake acupuncture.
It’s true. They had a group of people get real acupuncture. and another group got needles put into them at random. And – get this – researchers are surprised that the second group got results. They didn't feel the headaches as much!!
Man. I so need to change careers.
RWD: Welcome to the RWD Migraine clinic. How can I help you?
Patient: Yes, I need some treatment.
Patient: AAAAAH. MY HAND? You hit me with a hammer!!
RWD: How’s your migraine?
Patient: AAAH!!What migraine?
RWD: Exactly. That will be $100 please.
That's all for today. Remember, I can't hear you laugh, so let me know what tickled your funny bone today.
Do you have a funny newsbit to share? Email me at rightwingduckatyahoodotcom.
Have fun, fun. fun.
Gimme an "F"
Gimme a "U"
[This post censored for potentially foul language]
May 04, 2005
Hanoi Jane's Book Signing
A couple weeks ago, a man spit tobacco juice at Jane Fonda during a book signing. As you can imagine, I was quite upset about this, because that's really no way to treat tobacco juice.
So I was thinking... what would I like to see happen at a Jane Fonda book signing that's not quite so abusive towards spit? Since Jane made a name for herself by lying about Vietnam veterans, maybe I should go to her next book signing and sell a book containing:
* Jane Fonda is the daughter of famous actor Henry Fonda, who is best known for his role in not giving Jane enough spankings as a child.
* Despite the similarity of the name, Jane Fonda is not a tasty cheese sauce for dipping pieces of bread in.
* Like the beaver, Jane Fonda must constantly gnaw down trees, lest her front teeth grow too long and puncture her lower jaw.
* There are no other beaver-related tidbits about Jane Fonda
* Don't even go there.
* Although the word "traitor" is often tossed around lightly when talking about anti-war protestors, in Jane Fonda's case, it should be hurled with great force after being written on a rock.
* In a battle between Aquaman and Jane Fonda, Aquaman would tell lies about Jane and encourage his aquatic friends to spit on her at airports.
* In the 80's, Jane Fonda produced a popular workout tape along with a best-selling diet book, "Puke Yourself Pretty".
* Jane Fonda currently lives in a small house in the woods that's made out of gingerbread, where she survives by cooking and eating lost children.
* Some people say that Jane Fonda only married Ted Turner for his money, but the truth is that she just has a thing for powerful men with cheesy moustaches.
* This may explain all those "secret admirer" notes that John Bolton's been getting lately.
* In 1990, Jane Fonda retired from movie-making because she was weary of assuming human form in public.
* She had modest success writing children's books such as "Green Eggs and Communism" and "Horton Hears a Mao".
* Her groundbreaking work for the advancement of feminism includes being the only woman ever to win a John Kerry Look-Alike award.
* Jane Fonda is the owner of Fonda Farms, a California ranch that raises deformed frogs which are planted in swamps across the country so that crazed hippies can claim Bush's environmental policies are destroying the planet.
* During the last election, Jane Fonda missed becoming Pope by 3 votes.
* Apparently some of the Cardinals hated Barbarella because it didn't feature enough pointy hats.
* Other Cardinals were more appreciative of what pointiness it DID offer.
* When listening to a Jane Fonda political speech, do not attempt make sense out of anything she says or operate heavy equipment.
* When carefully considering their respective life stories, it becomes obvious that Jane Fonda is actually the Bizarro World version of Arnold Schwarzeneggar.
If there's anything else that belongs in my upcoming best-selling novel "Jane's World", let me know in the comments.
Know Thy Enemy: Senator Harry Reid
Since Harry Reid is the new minority leader in the Senate, I thought it best we learn something about him. While he seems like quite a boring person on the surface, he's actually even more boring the deeper you dig. Still, I had my crack research team compile all they could find into:
FUN FACTS ABOUT SENATOR HARRY REID
* He was born an hour away from Vegas to a mob family. Lost parents in early childhood when they were murdered at the same time as many other mob bosses. Main suspect for the crime was at the baptism of his niece during the murders, though.
* Grew up in the mining town of Searchlight, Nevada, and, unlike most of his friends, was not drawn into the fast, raucous life of miners which usually ends with them O.D.ing in some hotel room. Instead, Reid suffered only minor brain damage from drugs and went into politics.
* During his early years, Reid made money by setting hobos on fire and racing them on the streets of Las Vegas. This popular betting sport persists to this day with the finish line usually being the fountain in front of Caesar’s.
* Since Reid has never actively fought on the side of the Iraqi insurgents, he's considered a moderate among the Senate Democrats.
* He never been considered moderate in his cocaine consumption.
* While the other Senator in Nevada, Republican John Ensign, is the junior senator, their kung fu is equal.
* Reid has always worked favorably with labor unions since their owners, the mob, helped him that one time he woke up next to a dead hooker.
* Reid is the minority leader in the Senate, which means, if you took 50% of the number of U.S. Senators, he leads less than that many.
* If he were the majority leader, he'd lead more Senators than he does now.
* He'd also be a Republican.
* Reid was picked as minority leader when it was noted that "Reid" and "lead" rhyme.
* To help in his leadership, Reid has placed shock collars on all the Democrats so he can better control them.
* The shock has little effect on Ted Kennedy due to his girth.
* The shock also only makes Howard Dean even angrier.
* While the previous minority leader, Tom Daschle, gave off an aura of a slimy weasel to the press, Reid goes more for the "confused old man who's not sure where he left his pants" look.
* This most prominent legislation Reid authored is a bill modifying Senate decorum such that calling someone "Dirty Harry" is disallowed.
* It was defeated in a 1-99 vote.
* In a fight between Senator Harry Reid and Aquaman, Reid would lead Aquaman into the desert where his powers would be completely useless - as compared to only somewhat useless when Aquaman is near water.
* Reid currently holds the record for most chalupas eaten in a single sitting at Taco Bell.
* If cornered by Harry Reid, don't blow into his face as that will only irritate him. Instead, spray water at him and he should be scared away.
* In addition to plotting how to undermine Bush, he is also plotting the most daring casino robbery ever.
* Expect it to be a made for TV movie coming to a major network near you!
Carnival of Comedy Submissions Due
Keep those submissions coming kids! Who says we couldn't top last week's First! Carnival of Comedy ? (actually somebody did say it. They've been dealt with.)
We are a scant few submissions away from topping the number we had last week. And there is some high quality funny here too folks. So strap your sides in tight it's gonna be a funny ride.
May 03, 2005
American Idol top 5
I'm going to try to be positive about AI tonight, not quite so negative. So they're doing songs from whenever and songs from this week, and it will be positively disastrous for Scott and Anthony, but somehow, some dufuses (sorry, Jonag, I've not yet forgiven you) will vote for them, and something horrible will happen, such as Carrie getting the ax because she is the absolute best, and we just can't stand to listen to the best.
Here we go, let's sing and be happy!
Anthony 01 - first shot ... I positively don't remember it, because I watched it about 10 minutes ago.
2.0 ... The ballads are much better for him than the fun upbeat songs, just like Celine Dion -- always stick to the slow mushy stuff.
Scott (number withheld) - first shot ... "On Broadway" - I positively believe that Simon is using that whole reverse psychology thing. Last week he said pack your bags, Scott made the top 3. Tonight he says it was Scott's best performance, so people will not do that whole vote-to-retaliate-against-Simon-just-because-Simon's-right thing.
Part Too ... It was positively not awful. There, now I said it, so go vote for anyone else!
Vonzell 03 - first shot ... "Treat Me Nice" - Positively not bad. Have I mentioned I positively don't like Elvis?
Reloaded ... Positively lovely and pretty exciting and vocally peachy. Look, I even threw in peaches!
Bo 04 - first shot ... "Stand By Me" - I positively love this song and have always loved it and loved the way Bo did it.
And back again ... Positively Bo. Sweet.
Carrie 05 - first shot ... some song about being evil - She is positively on a "I'm a bad girl" streak. I like it though. The song, not the streak.
Episode II ... Positively beautiful.
A few final notes... Paula positively did not appear drunk tonight, rather she was back to just being a cheerleader. And Randy positively missed all kinds of pitchiness in almost everyone's performances.
My order tonight:
And that is positively all. I hope you positively enjoyed the positivity in this positively American version of Idol. Positive out, dawgs.
Time Traveler Convention
I have a couple of small beefs with the time traveler convention that some crazy kids at M.I.T. are cooking up. The 'M' as I understand it, stands for Massachusetts. But that's not my beef.
A little info about the convention. They are having the one and only time traveler convention because
Time travelers from all eras could meet at a specific place at a specific time, and they could make as many repeat visits as they wanted.
Beef Number 1: Why would real time travelers bother coming to an event to meet with people from our era that don't have time travel? "Whoa, so you guys don't have time travel? What's that like?" Wouldn't seeing the great battles of history, documenting the real story of the JFK assasination, witnessing the life of Jesus or trading stocks with foreknowledge of market fluxuations be a more interesting/lucrative use of the time travel mechanism?
I certainly think so. Then again I guess even those things would get old and stale if time travel were possible, so a boring convention with the temporal displacement challenged from our era would seem exciting. So would watching carpet rot in accelerated time I guess.
Beef Number 2: Isn't allowing people who aren't time travelers attend a "time traveler convention" a little misleading? Sure, from a certain point of view we are all traveling forward in time, but c'mon. We aren't time travelers in the strictest sense, that we are in time, but y'know, out of sequence. Like showing up the day of the test to tell yourself the answers to the MCAT you failed that kept you out of med school.
Beef Number 3: They ask for some sort of proof from alleged time travelers that they are actually time travelers like a cure for cancer or some nonsense like that. Wouldn't that violate causality or wreak havok with temporal prime directve? YEAH, it would! Wouldn't just the sudden appearance of the time machine loaded with people be enough proof? You'd think.
So attend the silly 'time traveler' convention if you must. Just don't blame me if you get there and its just a bunch of present day geeks wrapped in aluminum foil talking about causality and temporal prime directives.
I Would Not Like My Bride to Run Away
An Editorial by Frank J.
It has been in the news that it is now the habit for some brides to run away come the wedding day. Being someone who will be getting married soon, I do not like this.
"I guess the one I'm most worried about running away - other than the bride - would be the ring bearer."
Yes, some may point to the advantages of this, such as more cake for the groom. I am not much of a cake person, though, and am quite sure I would have gotten my fill even with the bride in attendance. If, perhaps, the bride and groom were to split jelly beans or gummy bears, then I would see more of a silver lining in the disappearance of the bride. Mainly, though, I only see trouble.
First off, people at the wedding would wonder where the bride is. Seeing no bride, they might think it's a gay marriage and exclaim, "This is not what I signed up for!" The wedding would most likely be canceled unless I started randomly asking women in the audience if they would marry me. History shows that most likely they would all say, "No." Then, after the wedding is canceled, I'd probably have to go weeks with people constantly asking me, "Where's your bride?" and then I would have to shrug my shoulders and say, "I dunno." It would get quite annoying.
Now, other members of the wedding could run away and be a hindrance, but still not end the wedding. If the florists ran away, things could still go as planned since I never really cared for flowers. If the caterers ran away, that would be troublesome. While, as I stated, I am not a cake person, I would still like some cake. Also, I assume the wedding will make me and everyone else hungry, and thus we'll all be like, "Where's the food?" That will certainly put a damper on the day, but the wedding will still occur. You might think that if the minister ran away, that would stop the wedding, but I bet we could find another in short notice if we really needed to with the some phone calls or knocking on doors.
Now, for each guest who runs away, that saves us money. If my parents ran away, that would probably upset me, but, if I could have me dad declared legally dead, I could take his guns. That would be a nice start to the marriage. If my brides parents ran away, that would be awesome because then I wouldn't have to deal with them. Also, when my future wife says, "I would like to go visit my parents," I could just answer, "Sorry. They ran away. Let's go play putt-putt instead."
If the best man ran away - which would be my brother - I'd probably just shrug my shoulders and say, "That why we call him 'Joe foo'.'" If the maid of honor ran away, I'm not sure how that would affect things since I don't know what she does. The photographer running away could be trouble, but we have plenty of digital cameras.
I guess the one I'm most worried about running away - other than the bride - would be the ring bearer. Those rings cost money, and I've been wanting to get some bling for a while. Luckily, the ring bearer is usually a little kid, and I could easily out run his small legs and tackle him. I guess I don't care if the flower girl ran away, but, since she's a little girl, everyone would be nagging me until she is found.
Anyway, while I never cared to much about the details of the wedding and will probably be happy with whatever my bride picks out, my one demand is that she does not run away. That I am quite adamant on.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as "Running Away Never Solved Anything, So Try Hiding" and "Apologies to BikerMommy and Spidade".
RWD's News Roundup-Tuesday
I'm RightWingDuck and I'm here to share the news.
Still in the news is the runaway bride, Jennifer Wilbanks. Her fiancée was on TV saying that he would still marry her because he gave her a ring and had made a promise before God. Which is probably why she flipped out. Okay, at what point in time did he think they were actually married?
John::Do you want something to drink?
John: Oh, sweetheart. Me TOO!!! Forever and ever!!
They make a cute couple. This morning, while I was eating breakfast, I saw a picture of them. Well, they weren’t actually together. His picture was in the USA Today, and hers was on my milk carton.
Will they make it as a couple? I don’t know. We'll see.
Mary Kay Latourneau is set to marry her bo- boyfriend. If you recall, Mary Kay was sent to prison for having slept with her then 13 year old student.
As is becoming the pattern, they have sold the rights to their wedding photos. The amount is up for speculation however I'm told it involves a substantial amount of dollars and arcade tokens.
It’s weird, she’s so much older than he is. And he seems so tiny. But they’re happy and he’s legal now, so I guess its okay. Now, some people gossip about the huge age difference. “What’s going to happen when they’re both 20 years older?” I don’t know.
I don’t know – what do you think? Do you think she'd find somebody younger?
There’s a rumor going around that American Idol might drop judge Paula Abdul for behaving inappropriately with one of the contestants. She may have provided extra encouragement and guidance to one singer in particular – Corey Clark.
Let me get this straight. You can call them fat, unstylish, criticize the way they sing, accuse them of being Vegas Lounge acts – but supporting them? YOU HAVE THE DRAW THE LINE SOMEWHERE, Darnit!!
Should Paula be asked to leave the show? I don’t know. Make sure you text message your vote!
Wow, I guess I’m talking about relationships today.
It has been rumored that actor Tom Cruise is dating actress Katie Holmes. It seems rather an odd pairing doesn’t it. You see them together and think, “Gosh, could I actually date somebody so darn tiny and so darn feminine?” I don’t know – but Katie doesn’t seem to mind.
Which is funny. That’s the first time I’ve ever seen a burrito clear out a school BEFORE it was eaten.
A couple of guys are in trouble with the police for stealing some money and then claiming they had found it buried while working on a job. Authorities suspected something was amiss when they kept telling the same story but changing important details each time.
See. Here’s a lesson for the criminal element reading this. You have to know what to say when you’re caught in a boldfaced lie.
Katie Couric: At first you said you were digging for a job. Then you said you were helping a friend plant a tree. Now you say you had a secret treasure map on the back of a Wendy’s menu? Why the discrepancy?
Criminal:Katie, are you questioning my patriotism?
Katie: I’m just saying that your story changes each time you tell it..
Criminal: I’m sorry – did YOU ever serve in Vietnam?
Researchers recently wrapped up a study showing that ugly children get less attention from parents than the pretty ones.
Do parents really judge on looks? I keep thinking about my childhood and I realize that my sister did indeed get a lot more attention from my folks than I did.
But then again, she always got higher scores than I did – especially in the bathing suit competition.
Not that I'm bitter. No, I'm not bitter at all.
Mr. Congeniality MY ASS!!!!!
So, maybe we do judge people by their beauty – but think about it- it only affects ugly people – so does it really matter?
Okay. I’d like to wrap up with this sad story.
In Florida, a teenage boy, who was just learning how to drive, lost control of his parents’ car and drove it right through the side of a McDonalds
Thankfully, he wasn’t hurt and emergency workers showed up quickly.
See, you drive your car through the side of a McDonalds here in Los Angeles – one minute later you have two cars behind you honking Hurry Up!!
I admire when people travel the less beaten path. Or in this case, the less used wall.
You know what I would do if that happened to me?
Duckie at the McDonalds...
CRASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(really loud) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Manager (makes it through the rubble): "What's going on here? Can I help you?"
Duckie (rolls down window): "I'd like a quarter pounder with cheese, a small order of fries, and... hey, do you sell giant burritos?"
**That's all for today.
Remember, I can't hear you - so if anything made you laugh - let me know in the comments.
Do you have an interesting article or funny newsbit to share? If so, email me at rightwingduckatyahoodotcom and share. Don't be so darn selfish.
'Runaway Missile' Discovered Safe in Sea of Japan
North Korea intended to hold a gala celebration for the marriage of a missile to a nuclear warhead, with over 600 guests, and 14 attendants each for the missile and the warhead, but something was missing: the missile.
"Nobody knew what happened," said North Korean President Kim Jong Il, "we were hoping to combine these two in a holy union that would strike fear in the hearts of warmongering capitalist pigs, but the missile was nowhere to be found on the big day."
For four days, frantic North Koreans searched for their beloved atomic payload delivery system. The dragnet extended as far as Pyong Vegas and even Changuquerque, but to no avail.
"I feared the worst," said Il, "I kept thinking - maybe Americans try to cut my precious missile into scrap and use her to pimp their rides. Damn crazy Americans always pimping their rides".
Il's worst fears seemed confirmed when the missile sent a homing beacon indicating that she'd been kidnapped by Jesse James who planned to use her propulsion system to modify his Harley.
Upon further investigation, however, it turned out to be just a case of anxiety, as the missle thought her launch vehicle made her look fat.
Although slightly embarrassed, the jilted nuclear warhead still claimed to be in love and would like to go through with the marriage at a later date. "I still love her. I want to be with her. I want to blow up dirty Yankee round-eyes with her."
May 02, 2005
NEW AUDIO: Scott flips out on live radio!
For those of you waiting to hear me flip out on live radio, fire all of the guests on the show, and still pull together an awesome radio experience on the fly; have I got some audio for you!
What's even more cool is the fact that the audio of the show featuring bloggers Ambra Nykol, Homocon, and Muslims for America co-founder Ali Hasan, is available as a podcast. All the iPod owners will just intuitively know how to listen, but if you're poor like me and can only afford a $50 MP3 player, you can use the free iPodder software to download and listen to the Republican Radio podcast.
Links of the Day-ish
Ever want to get back at idiots who double park or get just a little too close to the line? Here's a place you can go to get back at those morons. But please, if you suspect that the idiot's car might be mine (I really have a hard time with the left line), cut me some slack. I'm a girl.
Thank You, Lord Jesus
I guess when you don't know what mySQL is, you shouldn't start randomly deleting things from it. Anyway, I screwed up MT-Blacklist at least, and had to hack that back together for comments to work, which they are. So go tell us how genius we all are.
Because of changes, I may remove the code input for comments, but I'm do dang tired to play with that now.
You've Been Silenced!
I've been told by Hosting Matters that I'm being inundated with comment spam (which was news to me; the visible problem is trackback spam and comment spam - I thought - had been limited to an occasionally smattering). Anyhoo, no comments until I do some software updates which I can't do until after work today. Until then, as always is the case when comments are down, send feedback here.
In My World: Aw, Hell Part II
* * * *
"The demons from hell are running rampant through the U.S., destroying property, looting liquor stores, and joining the ACLU. They are only attacking the red states - states that voted for President George Bush - though"
"Even Alaska?" Steve Doocy asked.
"No. Apparently that just too cold and too far out of the way... even for vengeance."
"Thank you, Lauren Green," Brian Kilmeade said, "Once again, this is FOX and Friends, following the invasion from hell this morning. Of course, we're perfectly safe here in God-less New York City."
"What MoveOn.org is doing is unconscionable!" E.D. Hill screamed, "They're saying we should just give in to these devils!"
"Well, they do have a point," Steve said, "Those who voted for that French-looking senator from Massachusetts and turn away from the ways of Jesus are being spared."
"Demons from hell are just like terrorists," E.D. fumed, almost knocking over her coffee cup, "You have to stand up to them."
"You may have a point," Brian responded, "Anyway, it's time for the Afflack question of the day..." Brian paused to listen into his earpiece. "Apparently George Soros and Moloch the destroyer are having a joint press conference. Are own Melinda Hawkish is in attendance and we now go there live."
Before reporters stood George Soros and the terrible demon Moloch who towered over all.
"Mr. Soros, could you please explain why Bush is a greater threat to America than the invasion from hell?" asked a New York Times reporter.
"While I and MoveOn.org don't quite approve of Moloch's tactics," Soros replied, "I think we should at least hear his point of view, as demons from hell and their sympathizers are feeling increasingly isolated from the political process, all thanks to George Bush who goes running to Jesus every time something goes wrong. Who elected a Jewish carpenter to run America, I ask?"
"And He's not even a good carpenter!" Moloch added with his booming voice. "Look at the birdhouse Moloch has made and fear me!" Moloch held out an ornate birdhouse and the press was awed.
"Moloch, why should we have any dealings with you since you are clearly evil?" Melinda Hawkish asked.
"Moloch the destroyer rejects these simple labels of 'good' and 'evil'!" Moloch shouted.
"Follow up question," Melinda continued, "Isn't that exactly what someone who is evil would say?"
Moloch was silent for a moment. "Right-wing bias from FOX News!" he then yelled, "Destroy her!"
The rest of the press turned on Melinda. "We obey our demon master!"
"And remember to check out the documentary Out-Foxed from MoveOn.org," Soros added.
The feed then went to static.
"That doesn't look good for Melinda Hawkish," Steve said.
"We are not biased!" E.D. yelled, "We are fair and balanced!"
"I know," Brian answered, "but try explaining that to Moloch." Brian then looked up beyond the cameras to the producers. "So are we doing sports now or is that getting moved back?"
* * * *
"I hate desert meetings," President Bush said, "There are no concession stands nearby if I get hungry, and, if I need to pee, there aren't any bathrooms or trees to go behind."
"Quit whining," Cheney barked, "So what did the message say?"
Bush took out a note. "Go to these coordinates and I'll send help. Your battle against the demons from hell will not be easy, but know I am always watching over you. Love, Jesus." Bush paused for a moment. "Always watching over us? Sounds like a threat."
"That just His way of saying He'll be with us through these trying times," Buck the Marine said, "Jesus is such a nice guy. I can't wait until he gives us weapons to fight these demons. They're worse than for'ners; they're like... more foreign."
"And what am I doing here?" Condoleezza Rice asked, "I'm the Secretary of State. Can't someone else do this?"
"I wanted fighting an invasion from hell to be a team-building exercise," Bush answered.
"Teams are for homos," Rumsfeld growled.
"That's not a very team-building attitude," Bush chided him.
"So do you consider me part of the team?" Scott McClellan asked hopefully.
"No," Bush shot back, "You're just here to carry things. And then later I have a special job for you: I want to run interference with the press while we handle this."
"That's my regular job."
"Hmm. I always wondered why you were on the payroll." Bush then looked to Alberto Gonzales. "The sun is really beating me down; can I borrow your sombrero?"
"You touch my sombrero, and I cut you," Alberto answered.
"Everyone needs to learn more about being a team," Bush grumbled. He then turned to Rumsfeld. "So where is your dog, Chomps? A really angry dog might be useful against demons."
"How would I know where he is?" Rumsfeld shouted, "Am I my dog's keeper? I'll probably get some angry call from some mother later, and you know how hard it is to explain to some panicked woman that her child was weak and deserved to be eaten by wandering beasts."
Dust was being turned up in the distance, and Bush and his group could soon see a black car speeding their way. It swerved to a stop, and out came a man dressed in torn jeans, a leather jacket, and sunglasses. He took a looked at those before him and said, "Well, aren't you a sorry bunch."
"And you are?" Bush demanded.
"Jesus sent me to help you dumb f***s," he answered as he opened the trunk to his car, "My name is Michael."
"You an angel?" Scott asked.
"I'm an archangel."
"How's that different for a regular angel?"
Michael pulled out an assault rifle and chambered a round. "Means you don't f*** with me."
"I always thought angels were more kind and... uh... angelic," Condi said.
Michael looked at her for a moment and pulled down his sunglasses slightly. "I'm not that kind of angel."
"So where are your wings?" Bush inquired.
Michael tossed down the rifle. "Where the f*** in the Bible does it say a f***ing thing about angels having wings?" Michael demanded, "Where do people get that f***ing s***?"
"Sorry!" Bush exclaimed, "By the way, is there anyway you can tone down the language?"
"Once you've battle the hoards from hell since before time, you can tell me how to f***ing speak," Michael answered.
"Gee, lighten up," Bush sighed.
Michael quickly grabbed a shotgun from the trunk, chambered a round, and pointed it a Bush's head. "Did you just use the Lord's name in vain?"
"I only said, 'Gee'!" Bush exclaimed.
"Which is a variation of Jesus!" Michael yelled. "You think I'm f***ing stupid? You break a Commandment, I'll blow your f***ing brains out!"
"Isn't that against a Commandment?" Condi asked dryly.
Michael chuckled and put the shotgun away. "So, I was here to bring you some tools to fight the demons. You want them?"
They all crowded around the trunk of the car which was filled with weaponry. "All of this is specially blessed," Michael explained, "Guaranteed to majorly f*** up any regular devil you run into. Back in the day, I used to fight them with sword and spears, but now I have M-16s, MP5s, and even some Desert Eagle .50AEs made right in the holy land. Arm up."
Everyone eagerly grabbed weaponry except for Rumsfeld. "Back when I was young, we didn't need fancy weaponry given to us by some punk angel to fight demons," he said, "We chased them off just fine with pitch forks and a few rocks to throw at them."
"Suit yourself, old man," Michael answered as he closed up the trunk.
"You taking any weapons?" Bush asked Michael.
"I ain't fighting," Michael responded, "Heaven is my domain to defend, this f***ed up situation is for you guys to deal with. I was just told to give you weapons and advice; everything else is up to you dumb f***s. I'm sure you'll be fine if you all love Jesus and what not."
"We love Jesus," Bush said firmly as he checked on a new Colt .45, "platonically."
"I love Jesus; I'm his biggest fan," Buck proclaimed as he held up a holy M-60, "Why, when I was a kid, anytime I didn't love Jesus, my mom wouldn't beat me with a wooden spoon."
"I have no particular gripes again Him," Rumsfeld stated.
"While Halliburton made it clear to me that these demons were hurting their schemes to steal the world's oil," Cheney said as he prepped a semi-automatic shotgun, "I’m not fighting this battle if it's just us against all the demons in hell."
"You're not going to fight all the demons in hell," Michael said, "No point to it. You need to take down Moloch; then the whole assault will collapse."
"So let's find this gringo Moloch and fill him full of blessed bullets and be done with it," Alberto declared as he put on a bandolier.
"Ain't that simple," Michael answered, "Moloch is one bad motherf***er. Even these weapons won't faze him. He stands over twelve feet tall, has skin stronger than steel, has wings so powerful they can cause tornados, and he breathes fire burning anyone who gets near him."
"If it breathes," Rumsfeld stated as he put on his strangling gloves, "we can strangle it."
TO BE CONCLUDED...
The news reports are saying the runaway bride is quoted as saying her wedding is not canceled, rather the wedding is postponed.
When her fiance was told this he responded in which way?
B. "This whole thing is sort of my fault. The other day I asked her 'do you want to forget all this big wedding mess and just run off?', I forgot to add 'together' and I guess this is what happens when you assume."
C. "Postponed? POSTPONED?, Yeah postponed, until pigs fly, out of my butt, over a frozen Hell."
RWD's Thoughts On Weddings
I'm RightWingDuck and I'm here to share the news.
Actually, I'm not. I've got nothing but runaway bride jokes.
Sorry, once something gets into my system, I need to get it out.
Okay. Let's talk about Jennifer Wilbanks and her fiancee John Mason.
Poor Mr. Mason, not only was he worried about his bride, but people were suspecting him of foul play. He took a private lie detector test and was schedule for one with the authorities when she was found.
Now, he gets to look at the TV and see the Ken the Roving Reporter doing a story on how his bride faked her own kidnapping.
So she planned the whole thing and even cut her hair. The only way Mr. Mason could be more humiliated is if Jennifer ended up running off with Ken the Roving Reporter.
Authorities are still not sure if they are going to press charges. Imagine - being arrested??!! Get arrested or get married? Ball and chain or ball and chain. Tough choices, eh?
Could this be the only time a toast could be held against you in a court of law.
I'm a very traditional person. I believe the key to a good marriage is trust, honesty, and not faking your own disappearance.
What do you give this woman for a wedding present?
How about GPS?
Man, this is just like a fairy tale story...
"This is the bride. The bride runs. Run bride, run."
What do you say to your husband to be when the police bring you back?
"Mm. eh. Er. So. What have you been up to?"
In retrospect, we should have known. How many other brides have an Accomplice-of-honor?
In retrospect - he should have known. How many brides ask, "Will you still love me when I'm old and fat, and living under an assumed identity?"
In all seriousness, the bride might be doing some serious time - which is why she ran away in the first place.
Sorry. That is all.
May 01, 2005
Upcoming Carnival Of Comedy
Seems like all I've been doing here lately is yabbing on about the Carnival. So why stop now?
The First! Carnival of Comedy was by several accounts an unequivacable success. And entries are already pouring in for the next one, which will also be hosted here at IMAO on 5/5/2005.
So, got some funny? Yes? Send it in today, details of how to do that can be found here.
The Good News/Bad News for the Runaway Bride
American women are really hating Jennifer Wilbanks right now:
Wilbanks, the Georgia woman who was supposed to marry in a huge 600-guest ceremony, mysterious disappeared just before the wedding. Police were digging up dirt on the groom to see if he threw her in a wood chipper, her parents were distraught, Alan Jones, the Baptist minister who had planned to wed the couple, took to the national airwaves last week saying he prayed for Jennifer's safe return because he'd "never seen a couple more crazy in love."
Looks like you were half right, preacher...
Wilbanks had not been abducted, murdered or anything sinister. She cut her own hair, got on a bus, and phoned up her hubby-to-be broke and whimpering at a payphone in Albuquerque, NW... all because the 32 year-old woman got cold feet on the eve of her own wedding.
Good News: Wilbanks is unharmed and is home with her family.
Bad news: Women all over America now see Wilbanks as reinforcing the stereotype of psychotic self-centered Bridezilla behavior. My wife dismissively waved a the photo of Wilbanks on TV today saying: "It's a good thing female cops didn't find her first. If I was the guy, there is no way I'd marry this crazy woman."
Ha-a-a-a-arsh! Hell hath no fury...
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