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June 30, 2005
The Continuing Problem of Alien Warlords
Posted by Frank J. at 04:41 PM | Email This

I'm not sure how familiar most of you are with Scientology. In college, I had a lecture in my Information Warfare class all about how Scientologists have made efforts to fight criticism and keep certain information from being made public. Anyhoo, just as something of interest, here's the Wikipedia entry for Xenu (as much as I want to hate Wikipedia, the entries in it tend to be thorough and unbiased).

What I find most interesting about Xenu is the message at the bottom of the page when you do a Google search for it. Know of any other search term that yields a similar message?

Rating: 2.3/5 (25 votes cast)

Comments (23)
C'mon People!
Posted by spacemonkey at 01:54 PM | Email This

If you actually can't tell who did the carnival of comedy this week, you haven't been paying very much attention.

I'll give some hints.

Hint#1: It was NOT ME.

Hint#2: Check out other posts on the front page for the same name.

But whoever did do it did a great job. Better than I usually do, that's for [bleep] sure.

Another hint is below the fold


Rating: 2.5/5 (25 votes cast)

Comments (4)
Question of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 12:46 PM | Email This

John Hawkins published his list of favorite blogs, and I rank highly but behind (Damn you) Scrappleface. Out of curiosity, what are your favorite blogs?

BTW, Hawkins also has an interview with Mark Steyn.

Rating: 2.3/5 (25 votes cast)

Comments (32)
Frank Advice on Gitmo Detainees
Posted by Frank J. at 11:11 AM | Email This

Now I'm hearing the prisoners at Gitmo are abusing the guards with monkey like feces flinging and constant violent threats. I even have heard from an unnamed source that some prisoners are taking the guards’ Bibles, touching them with their infidel hands, and flushing them (you know, the flushable sized Bibles the Gideons hand out that only has the New Testament). Some prisoners have even stolen guard food supplies, forcing the guards to not eat pork. Not consuming pork is a special blaspheme in the Christian religion and could lead to much duress.

Now, I know you Christian reading this are quite enraged and ready to riot and kill each other, but let's approach this calmly. Let's ask ourselves, "What would Jesus do?"

A. Kill the unbelievers.
B. Body slam a detainee into a folding table.
C. Freak out and knock over tables.
D. Something involving peace and love.
E. C followed by D.

According to the Bible, it's either D or E. Of course, I'm not Jesus and fall quite short of Him, but I have a few suggestions of my own.



Rating: 2.3/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (12)
The Carnival of Comedy!
Posted by Cadet Happy at 12:28 AM | Email This

Greetings imao.us readers! Since Dreamworks canceled my War of the Worlds press tour because many have come to believe I am mentally unbalanced, I’ve been promoting my movie through the non-traditional media. In that vein, I am auditing this weeks Carnival of Comedy! So sit back, grab your e-meter, and let’s have some non-pharmaceutically-based fun!

I’ve run my e-meter on this first batch of links, and these submitters have truly reached the advanced Operating Thetan stage of Bridge consciousness. These OTs have exteriorstated their body thetans and have liberated their souls from the evil extraterrestrial tyrant Xenu.

Patriot Xeno at Right Hand of God presents an amusing exchange similar to one I recently had with Nicole Kidman at Irrational Beings

The Raving Atheist at The Raving Atheist presents a thought provoking NSFW discussion of recent Supreme Court rulings at Supreme Court Split on Display of the Two T*ts

Joe Pehoski at Joe's blog delves into the non-thetan animal kingdom at Totally True Llama Facts

Jim McCarthy at Movies I Didn't See reviews a movie my fiancé Kelly loves, but he hasn’t seen (which is possible once one achieves an Operating Thetan stage of consciousness) at Review of "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants"

Laurence Simon at This Blog Is Full Of Crap presents an interesting nautically themed post that makes me long for my Sea Org days with L. Ron Hubbard at Prison Ships

Buckley F. Williams at The Nose On Your Face presents some poems that make my dyslexic head ache at Sir Richard of Durbin: A Dr. Seuss From Beyond The Grave Tale

Finally, Damian G. at Conservathink presents an examination of Xenu’s heir’s head gear at Pimp my Pope mobile

For the first time, you get the chance to vote for whichever of the above bloggers you think brought “teh funny” this week. There can only be one winner, so chose wisely!

UPDATE: This weeks winner will get the privilege of displaying a special graphic on their blog (if they so choose) and will also win this valuable prize.

Which Operating Thetan wins "teh funny" award this week?
Patriot Xeno's "Irrational Beings"
The Raving Atheist's "Supreme Court Split on Display of the Two T*ts"
Joe Pehoski's "Totally True Llama Facts"
Jim McCarthy's "Review of "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants"
Laurence Simon's "Prison Ships"
Buckley F. Williams' "Sir Richard of Durbin: A Dr. Seuss From Beyond The Grave Tale"
Damian G.'s "Pimp my Pope mobile"


Free polls from Pollhost.com

And now for the rest . . .

My e-meter tells me that this next group of submitters have reached the Clear state of consciousness. Although they have at least a couple hundred thousand dollars in auditing and clay tabling left to reach the heightened sense of consciousness achieved by intellectuals like me, they are well on their way to operating as pure disembodied souls.

Mr. Right at The Right Place presents You Just Might Be a Moonbat...

a4g at Point Five presents Military Says Flag Burning High on List of "What We Fight For"

The Evil Emperor Mindstation at Point Five presents NASA to Blow Up Comet "Just Because"

Steve the Pirate at Steve the Pirate[net] presents Karl Rove Deemed to be Dark Lord of the Sith

Ironman at Political Calculations presents The Equation

Dana at Northshore Politics presents It doesn't snow in Alaska!

Dr. Phat Tony at Dr. Phat Tony's presents Hippies Gone Wild

James Wigderson at Wigderson Library and Pub presents I feel a lot better

Pete at The Daily Cause presents Gay Fuel

alsocanadian at IAM(also)CANADIAN presents Shocking New Saddam Prison Photos!

The MaryHunter at TMH's Bacon Bits presents USA to SCOTUS: Be Careful What You Wish For

GEBIV at There's One, Only! presents PGHA: Where to put the terrorists?

Two Dogs at Mean Ol' Meany presents Obligatory Beer-Thirty Update and gets bonus points for spelling “y’all” correctly.

Dr. Phat Tony at Dr. Phat Tony's presents The Minority Report

Pluto's Dad at Eyes On The Ball News presents Bolton To Use Eminent Domain to Seize UN Building

Steve the Pirate at Steve the Pirate[net] presents Battle Royale II: Karl Rove vs. Emperor Palpatine

David at satire presents Wal-Mart Demolishes the Supreme Court To Build A New Supreme Super Center (note NSFW sidebar)

John Hatch at Ideas Hatched presents Rape

Damian G. at Conservathink presents Ode to a troll

And now the rest of the rest . . .

I had trouble auditing this last group of submissions using my e-meter, so I moved over to the clay table. Here is a photo of what I came up with . . .

These Pre-Clears need to spend some time on remedial TRs in the Rehabilitation Project Force. Perhaps they need to throw their antidepressants into the trash and realize that true enlightenment and freedom from the Marcab Confederacy can only be obtained through Scientology’s Spiritual Technology.

Beth at MY Vast Right Wing Conspiracy among other things, takes an unjustified shot at me at New Hair Removal Technique

Will Franklin at WILLisms.com presents some art that will cause me to spend many hours in deep contemplation at the clay table with Drew Curtis at Creative Taxidermy.

Big Picture Guy at Big Picture, Small Office presents Critical Mass, which this post never quite obtains

Tommy at Striving for Average presents Sweet Hot Bug Love, a Freudian trip into the heart of darkness

John at Locusts & Honey presents The Downing Street Memo -- John has a link to something quite funny, but he gets mega demerits for putting it in a .doc file!

Dan Melson at Searchlight Crusade makes my brain ache at Lord of the (Blog) Rings

Well, it’s been fun. Now, clear out your checking and savings accounts, cash in your 401(k)s, get those credit card checks, and head down to your nearest Scientology center so you can be as smart as me!

UPDATE: Pluto's Dad at Eyes On The Ball News gives me some free PR -- we'll be sending a couple guys over later for some five-finger auditing Tom Cruise Clinic For Wellness Opens

Rating: 2.5/5 (25 votes cast)

Comments (13)
June 29, 2005
the DVR is the greatest!!!
Posted by sarahk at 10:57 PM | Email This

and Frank J.'s eye is the sharpest!!

so we're watching an old episode of CSI from this season on the hi-def TiVo. Frank, the ever-scrutinizing, noticed that when Warrick Brown started thumbing through some money, the $100 bills looked super fake. i said, "but Sweetie, all the new money looks fake." the great Frank J. said, "no, but these look even faker than the fakest." so of course, we played it back frame-by-frame for intense analysis purposes, and what did we see?

each bill is stamped:


hahahahahahahahaha!!!! not kidding. oh, and Frank was sooooo proud of himself. and was quite sure that waiting for the HD-TiVo was the right move.

p.s. For pictures of Frank in his birthday suit present, go here.

Rating: 2.3/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (5)
New White House Press Conference Strategy
Posted by Harvey at 06:49 PM | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

At a recent White House press conference...

SCOTT MCCLELLAN: Good afternoon. Although I'm usually the one who has to handle questions from you journalistic jackals, President Bush has informed me that I'm not being aggressive enough with my responses, and he'll be handling the briefing today... Mr. President?

W: And you're too damn fat, too. Now, in order to encourage more respectful questions, I'll be instituting a program of rewards and punishments as a way of giving you feedback on your level of professionalism. Ok, who wants to go first?

(continued in extended entry)


Rating: 2.4/5 (30 votes cast)

Comments (9) | Precision Guided Humor Assignments
A Contrast of Character
Posted by Frank J. at 04:54 PM | Email This

IMAO in conjunction with Townhall.com in conjunction with Trey Jackson has made this video to make fun of Howard Dean. See how well someone can be zinged when the blogosphere works together.

(NOTE: All I did was read the lines given to me. Think I can do a career as an announcer?)

Rating: 2.2/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (7)
A spacemonkey Reaction To The Dub's Speech
Posted by spacemonkey at 04:47 PM | Email This

According to James OTB

What's interesting is how many of the sites on my blogroll who've updated in the last two hours have no reaction to the speech at all.

So, to placate James (Are we even on his blogroll? Is he on ours?), Here's my reaction to the the Dub's speech. Dub, that's what the Dub, sorry, the President lets his close personal constituency call him. He wouldn't get upset if I told yo that either, that's just Dub. Anyway, here's my reaction.


Rating: 2.5/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (5)
The New School
Posted by RightWingDuck at 03:43 PM | Email This

Michelle Malkin has brought our attention to a New Yorker piece that focuses on yet ONE MORE thing wrong with our public schools: Too many of the wrong programs. The latest being a New York program called Operation Respect: Don’t laugh at me. If you haven’t read the link, go there now. I’ll wait.

You haven’t read it, have you? You did? Good.

My favorite part is where teachers are guided to other resources such as the music of Peter, Paul and Mary. (The #1 group of 1960) So, now we have all of these programs to help kids become build yet more self esteem. I mean, really, Peter, Paul and Mary? As my mom would say, “Ai, Jesus, Maria Y Jose!”

However, Michelle is too busy to be able to do some serious digging. Enter RWD and the crew at IMAO. Remember, if there are questions that you need answered – we have the best Fake But Accurate data out there.


Rating: 1.9/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (12)
In Search of Funny
Posted by Frank J. at 02:35 PM | Email This

Man, I haven't written anything funny today. I guess I would have something if I had been following the news... but I ain't been following the news. So I'm just here panicking going, "I gotta write something funny!"

To which I reply, Then write something funny.

"But I can't think of anything!"

So just write something about Chomps biting someone or Buck killing foreigners; that's always enough to placate the rubes.

"No, I want something brilliant and funny, or otherwise my readers will go read some other blog... and I hate it when people read other blogs!"

Well, I'm not bailing you out of this one, bucko. You make your own humor. Do a top ten list or something. Those are easy.

"About what?"

Check what's on the frontpage of CNN.com for an idea.

"'U.S. copter came under fire before crash'... I don't think there's anything funny about that."

"Top Ten Things Not to Do While in a Copter Under Fire" Number 10: Play "Guess Who" with the pilot.

"That's just sick."

You asked for my help...

"And you just scared all the funny out of me."

Hey, I got a fun idea: Let's see how many racial slurs we can name!

"Go away."

That's your problem, bucko; you're scared of living on the edge. Now, if you let me free to write on IMAO, there'd be so much controversy that...

"No way. I don't want that trouble."

Fine. Can we at least get some coffee?

"Yeah, sure."

Rating: 2.6/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Question of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 02:05 PM | Email This

It seems pretty certain there are going to be Supreme Court vacancy pretty soon, so I wonder who the next justice(s) should be? I nominate Mr. T.

What do you think?

Rating: 2.3/5 (25 votes cast)

Comments (27)
Posted by Frank J. at 08:53 AM | Email This

I completely forgot about the President's speech last night. Since I now have Tivo, I never check the TV schedule and instead just depend on Tivo to catch all I want to see. I ended up spending last night watching CSI: Miami with my sweetie (it was a rerun of when Speedle got killed - hadn't seen it). It's certainly easy to find what the blogosphere thinks, but I want to hear my readers' impressions. Please put them in the comments.

Rating: 2.9/5 (27 votes cast)

Comments (14)
June 28, 2005
"Thanks... for nothing"
Posted by Scott McCollum at 07:59 PM | Email This

Bruce Campbell, the star of such cult movie hits as Evil Dead and Army of Darkness, made a swing through Seattle to promote his novel How to Make Love the Bruce Campbell Way, a satirical look at Hollywood.

A friend of mine and I got there a little early to the event and promptly got lost in the extremely confusing underground parking lot. Once we found our way up to overcast Seattle daylight, we were on the wrong side of the building. We weren't the only ones lost: Bruce Campbell and his publicist were also wandering around back there.

"Hi," Bruce Campbell said. "Do you guys know where you're going?"

"Yeah we're going to see you," I said. "Where are you going?"

What followed was a comedy of errors where the four of us tried various doors into the building that mostly went like this:

   ME: Okay Bruce—This door is the one!
   (Kuh-click! RATTLE! RATTLE! RATTLE!)
   PUBLICIST: (sigh)
   BRUCE CAMPBELL: Yep, I sure am glad we hooked up with you guys...


Rating: 2.0/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (15)
Carnival of Comedy Reminder
Posted by spacemonkey at 05:33 PM | Email This

Its Tuesday, so that means it's time to remind you to get ready for the CARNIVAL OF COMEDY version X. (that's a Romanumeral for ten)

Some prepare by using meditation.
Some prepare by using medication.
Some just send in their entries before a second before midnight ET, while it is still a day called Wednesday.

There will be a surprise host/format this week unless he forgets to set his nickname back, in which case it will onl look like me hosting it with a different and surprising (read: EXCITING) format.

Questions about joining the Carnival O' Comedy? Go here.

Rating: 2.4/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (3)
Question of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 04:00 PM | Email This

I saw Batman Begins over the weekend, and it was awesome - leagues better than any of the previous (there was actually acting and character development). I'm all hyped for the sequel and hope they bring back Batman's main nemesis, the Joker. I wonder who should play him, though. Besides being too old, I think Jack Nicholson just had too much cool to be the Joker. Actually, the previous choice for the Riddler, Jim Carrey, would have been a better fit.

What do you think?

BTW, the rumor of who Nolan is looking to cast could be controversial if true.

Rating: 2.5/5 (24 votes cast)

Comments (28)
The New Miss America
Posted by RightWingDuck at 02:47 PM | Email This

The Miss America Pageant has now been moved to the Country Music Television Channel.

I'm a big fan of beauty contests. Some people say that true beauty lies on the inside, but I've noticed that only ugly people say that. Anyway, not that Miss America has left the major networks and 'gone country' I've done some digging and have learned that this pageant will be going through some changes.

Here's Ducky's Dozen:

Top Changes for Miss America Now That It's On CMT

Now on CMT, Country Music Television.

12. Judging panel use gold covered spittoons.

11. Sponsorship provided by Roadkill Helper

10. Orchestra is replaced by Mr. Earl and His Jug Town Band

9. Opening number is one big square dance

8. Kenny Chesney eligible to be a contestant

7. Moonshine Chugging Competition

6. All contestants given the middle name "Sue" or "Lou"

Announcer: "And here's our next contestant. Margarita Lou Lopez!!"

5. Bikinis replaced with Daisy Dukes

4. New, improved talent show!!

Announcer: And here’s Miss New York, Elizabeth Lou Miller!

Miss NY: At first I was going to recite poetry, but now that we’re on CMT I’d like to do some hog calling. Suweeee. Soweeee. Suweeeeeeeeeeeeee.

3. Official song becomes, “She’s purtier than my red wagon”

2. Pageant contestants would be the first people on CMT with all their teeth.

And the biggest change now that Miss America is on CMT...


Rating: 2.4/5 (25 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Posted by Cadet Happy at 01:07 PM | Email This


Rating: 2.3/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (16)
Al Sharpton Now Supports War in Iraq: "Great way to kill Whitey"
Posted by Harvey at 12:20 PM | Email This

Known for his sharp rhetoric opposing the War in Iraq during his brief run for President, the Reverend Al Sharpton has now come around to giving the War effort his full support.

"While blacks make up over 20% of the US Military, they comprise less than 12% of the casualties," said Sharpton, "If there's a downside to this, I'm just not seein' it."

"Heh. Crackas be droppin' like flies!"

Former Ku Klux Klansman and current West Virginia Senator Robert C. Byrd also voiced tentative approval of the war upon reviewing the statistics.

"Although it pains me some to see good White men dying for Bush's illegal war for oil," observed Byrd, "I comfort myself with the notion that the ones doing the dying had voluteered to serve in a mixed-race Service. Me, I'd rather die a thousand times than fight under Old Glory with a Negro by my side."

"It's God's justice", he concluded.

President George W. Bush - speaking at a press conference earlier today - expressed disappointment at the news, but hoped that a solution could be found.

"It seems that "Operation Get Behind the Darkies" has been a miserable failure," said Bush. "I'll be meeting with the Joint Chiefs later this week to discuss ways of increasing minority casualties. I don't want the US Armed Forces to be accused of violating Affirmative Actions laws by allowing African-Americans to be under-represented in this vital category."

[Hat tip to Mean Mr. Mustard for the link to the stats]

Rating: 2.4/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (4)
In My World: Hobby
Posted by Frank J. at 12:16 PM | Email This

"And out guest today on Meet the Press is Karl Rove," Tim Russert announced. He then looked around. "Where is he?"

There was a sudden power outage. When the lights came back on, there was the hooded figure of Karl Rove seated next to Russert.

"There you are," Russert said. "You've angered many Democrats with your remarks suggesting that liberals do not support military action to protect America. Do you think such anger is justified?"

"Their anger concerns me not," Rove answered, "They are fools who will soon be destroyed. Traitors, all of them, and the road to our victory will be lined with their entrails!"

Senator Chuck Schumer screamed at the television. "He can't say things like that! We have to get back at this Karl Rove!"

Schumer's aide walked in. "I just got a call saying there will be a meeting by us liberals about Karl Rove in a mountain lair."

"Then let's head there right away!" Schumer shouted, grabbing his coat.

* * * *

Soon Schumer was far in the mountains in a brick made lair. Inside were many liberals, most of whom he recognized. "So did you MoveOn.org people organize this meeting?" Schumer asked.

"No, we thought you did."

Suddenly the doors and windows all slammed shut, a few torches the only light in the building. "Muh ha ha ha!" echoed an ungodly laugh.

"What is this!"

"Fools!" yelled a voice that seemed to come from nowhere, "You ran so readily into my trap."

"Karl Rove!"

"Yes, it is I, and now you are trapped in my lair of horror! Soon, you will yearn for the torments of hell! Muh ha ha ha!"

All those inside screamed, but no earthly being could hear their voices.

* * * *

Scott McClellan looked up from his talking points to President Bush. "Ever wonder what Karl Rove does for fun?"


Rating: 3.0/5 (31 votes cast)

Comments (12) | In My World
Podcast FAQ
Posted by Frank J. at 09:26 AM | Email This

There seems to be a few misperceptions about the podcast, so I thought I'd do a short FAQ.

Q. What is a podcast?
A. It's an audio file, specifically an mp3 in our case.

Q. So why the fancy-smancy name?
A. So it sounds cool. Originally, the name confused me too, and I thought we were making a special file that only played on Apple products – but I was wrong!

Q. Do I need an mp3 player to listen to the podcast?
A. No, I don't even own one. If you have a computer with speakers (or headphones), you're set. The idea is, if you have a portable player, you can listen to podcasts while jogging or at work, but, if you're like me, you'll just listen on your home computer.

Q. What's that weird subscribe XML stuff?
A. If you have a program like iPodder, you enter the URL of that XML when adding a subscription to IMAO. Then, iPodder will automatically see when new IMAO podcast are available and be able to download them for you. Right now, you have to use software like that to download our older podcasts.

Q. How often will there be new podcasts?
A. Every Monday, including a special one for this 4th of July.

Q. I want to support the podcast. What can I do?
A. Tell your friends, tell us what you like and don't like so we can improve, and make sure to vote so we can gain some stature in the admittedly liberal leaning podcast community (I was told in a forum we're a niche just by being conservative). Podcast Alley is where we're making headway from votes, and you can vote every month, so there will be a big push for votes in July so we can try and make the top ten podcasts. Please vote now if you haven't already (all you have to do is give them a real e-mail address and then click the URL when sent the e-mail). Podcast Pickle is another popular site where we could use your support.

Q. I don't care about podcasts. I want Frank Answers™ back! Where are my Frank Answers™?
A. The mailbag segment at the end of the podcasts basically is Frank Answers™. Just send your comments and questions to the designated e-mail (podcast [ at ] imao.us) and you might hear me respond in the next podcast. Plus, the best e-mail each week wins a free t-shirt. That makes it even better than Frank Answers™!

Q. Wow! Podcasting is fun and cool! I love it!
A. That's not a questions, moron! It's idiots like you that make me hate blogging and podcasting!

Q. I'm sorry.
A. You're forgiven! Hooray!

If anything else is confusing you, put it in the comments and I'll update this FAQ.

Rating: 2.4/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Posted by Harvey at 12:22 AM | Email This

The version on the IMAO podcast (#5) was cut here & there for time & quality reasons.

My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision lies within the extended entry...


Rating: 2.4/5 (27 votes cast)

Comments (16) | Fun Trivia
June 27, 2005
When You're Right, You're Right
Posted by Frank J. at 08:20 PM | Email This

Here's something maybe a few honorable ronin can help me with. My uncle, Bruce Lefavi, works as a financial consultant. In addition to his business, he has written a book (may write another) and has a syndicated radio show. Until now, though, he hasn't focused much on his website (other than putting his mutual fund picks and a bio on it). He wants to change that, and especially promote that he's now 22 for 22 on financial predicitons over the years (with two new ones pending). I said I'd help him (doesn't the Bible say, "Help thy rich uncles."?), but I don't know much about the internet in the area of financial investing. Any investors out there who know what to most popular sites are (especially ones with bboards)? He's hoping for more of a viral advertising campaign.

Anyone who helps me and my uncle will be rewarded with... uh... much good feelings.

Rating: 2.5/5 (25 votes cast)

Comments (6)
The IMAO Podcast Insensitive and Offensive?
Posted by Scott McCollum at 07:18 PM | Email This

There's talk that some people will find some of the language in this week's IMAO Podcast insensitive and offensive. Certain minority segments of the population are supposedly being mocked in the June 27 IMAO Podcast, but it's nothing worse than what Mel Brooks did 30 years ago.

If anything, the IMAO Podcast aims to equally offend everyone until the Supreme Court rules our podcast unconstitutional.

Have you listened to it yet? If you have tell me if you think any of it is offensive. If you haven't listened to the IMAO Podcast, why? It is free to download and we're giving away t-shirts just for listening...

Rating: 2.4/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (22)
Supreme Pain in the...
Posted by Frank J. at 04:34 PM | Email This

What is it with the Supreme Court? They've been trouble ever since Marbury v. Madison where Chief Justice John Marshall ruled in 1801 quote: "We, the most Supreme Court of this land and any land hence forth discovered, have infinite power over all things, and shall never be questioned. NEVER!"

Now the court has made a few more wacky decisions, making our about three page Constitution even more meaningless. It's time that the Supreme Court had a few more check and balances, I say.

My proposal is to add a "Men with Bats" division to the Executive Branch. Then, if the President doesn't like a Supreme Court’s decision, he can send his Men with Bats to see if they can change the Court's mind. The idea here is, if the Supreme Court makes an unpopular decision based on real principles, they should be willing to take a trashing for it.

Of course, there will be checks against the Men with Bats. Any beating of the Supreme Court judges can be stopped with a two-thirds super majority vote in Congress. Also, the President has the voters to answer to, who may become upset if he orders the beating of the Supreme Court judges too much (or too little).

I defy anyone to find any flaws in my new idea.

Rating: 2.5/5 (25 votes cast)

Comments (21)
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 02:36 PM | Email This

Ted Kennedy recently told Donald Rumsfeld he should resign. What did Rumsfeld respond with?


Rating: 2.7/5 (31 votes cast)

Comments (11) | Fun Trivia
Would It Be Wrong?
Posted by spacemonkey at 01:30 PM | Email This

*** Warning, The following post contains hardly any political references and little to no, actual humor***

Would it be wrong for me to claim IMAO.US on blogshares?

Reasons I think it would be ok.

* Because I can. It's not my fault Frank J. entrusted me with the keys to the kingdom, well to post anyway. I am an opportunist from day one.

*It has been Listed on BlogShares since Mar 13, 2003. In blog years that's like forever. What's he waiting on? A Democrat controlled congress?

*The owner awarded bog-shares are worth over 2 million Blogshare Dollars. Which is some pretty tempting bait. With that kind of fake money, I could really buy some awesome, well... other... fake... blogshare... type... stuff.

*It's not real money so it wouldn't really be stealing for me to make a claim since Frank J seems to have no real interest in the fake stockmarket for fake blogshares?

*Because I did. This post was just a way to get the logo for my claim put on the front page of the blog long enough for my claim stake to be, ah, staked. Buwuahahaha.

Feedback would be appreciated it, even if I actually don't heed it or pay any mind to it. In fact, I may actually mock you.

Rating: 2.4/5 (28 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Ditto Cam Frank
Posted by Frank J. at 11:18 AM | Email This

White Fang saw my call to Rush Limbaugh on the Ditto Cam and sent this description:

He was at first a little surprised when you mentioned podcasting and seemed somewhat intrigued in my opinion. When you starting talking about your perceptions of Geldof, he appeared slightly uninterested, not paying complete attention. By the time he said "These rock stars can fool us....people of considerable depth" he looked to me very much like he was kidding (and even poking fun at you to some degree). After you continued speaking following the "depth" line, he appeared uninterested and mockingly clutched his heart. When he went to commercial break he laughed, shook his head somewhat and slapped himself in the face, then going on with something else.

Was Rush Limbaugh taking me as a fool? Then he made himself a powerful enemy!

BTW, anyone know how White Fang could record that video so I could sees it?

Rating: 2.7/5 (30 votes cast)

Comments (14)
Time to Test Our Right-Wing Power
Posted by Frank J. at 09:59 AM | Email This

The Frank man is back, and I just finished reading the comments to my proposal to demand an apology from a random Democrat Senator. Unfortunately, the Democrats seems to have stole my idea in demanding and apology from Karl Rove. Still, I think my scheme has a better chance of success. I still need a good target and statement, though.

Commenter Patel suggested that we go after a Senator who is vulnerable in 2006 and listed Sarbanes (MD), Conrad (ND), or Byrd (WV). Byrd is too obvious, so I say Sarbanes or Conrad. I think a statement about the war would be best to misconstrue and get all angry about. I don't have the time to do all the footwork here, so, if people put quote from Sarbanes and Conrad in the comments, we can settle on one and get this test of the Right-Wing Noise Machine started.

Rating: 2.1/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (12)
The Fifth Podcast Forum
Posted by Frank J. at 07:03 AM | Email This

Comment here on the new podcast (and don't forget to send short comments and questions to the e-mail in the podcast to get a chance to win a t-shirt; it's the only Frank Answers™ around now).

Plus, make sure to vote so we gain power in the podcast community.

Rating: 1.8/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (23)
caught on hidden camera!
Posted by Cadet Happy at 12:47 AM | Email This

sarahk in frankj's shower -- must be 18 to view


Rating: 1.9/5 (38 votes cast)

Comments (10) | ignis fatuous
June 26, 2005
Frank J. Murders Oprah!
Posted by Harvey at 03:00 PM | Email This

Oh, wait...

That's Tom Cruise.

Whatever. It's still a funny video.

[Hat tip: Gerard of American Digest]

Rating: 2.2/5 (31 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Baby Torres
Posted by Frank J. at 02:04 PM | Email This

Sorry I've been out of commission lately. One thing I wanted was to give an update on Baby Torres (updates you can get suscribing to the e-mails the same place you give donations), but Michelle Malkin has handled that. I really pray for a good outcome (as there can be) in this.

Rating: 2.5/5 (24 votes cast)

Comments (2)
June 24, 2005
Battle of the Link-Whores: Instapundit vs. the Alliance
Posted by Harvey at 09:52 PM | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

As Frank mentioned recently, the venerable Alliance of Free Blogs recently had its honor besmirched by Blogcritics.org, which accused us of link-doping whoring.

Well, *I* say that I've they're gonna throw smirch at you, you might as well rub it all over yourself and revel in the ecstasy of it.

But there arose a question of honor even MORE important. Sure, the Alliance of Free Blogs is an idiotically haphazard collection of people who merely want to rank higher on The Truth Laid Bear's Ecosystem, but how did we compare against the top link-whore in the blogosphere? The man who will link anyone, anytime, for any reason or no reason at all (except for ME, of course): Glenn Reynolds.

Well, it just so happens that that question was answered decisively not so very long ago. In fact, I even wrote a little song about it (in the extended entry)...

(with profuse and sincere apologies to the Charlie Daniels Band)


Rating: 2.5/5 (36 votes cast)

Comments (13) | Filthy Lies ~ | Songs & Poems
Flag Burning Amendment Amendments
Posted by spacemonkey at 05:04 PM | Email This

I am against the Flag Burning Amendment. I, having not actually read the text of it, presume it will merely make state laws which criminalize flag burning, stand against Supreme Court shenanigans.

I want it to be known I am against flag burning, of course. I just think that there may possibly be ways that the Constitution could be amended specifically to allow flag burning as an expansion of the first amendment expression of free speech, provisionally. Flagburners should never have to fear the government during or after the burning of an American flag, provisionally. I've said "provisionally" twice now so hopefully you know there are provisions and I am not completely off the deep end.

If some other changes are made as well to the amendment I could accept it. If it were amended to, say, expand the first amendment a little in other ways and while we are at it tweak some other popular amendments as well.

The Right to Freedom of the Press. - First Amendment
Americans should be protected if they want to put flagburners in a large metal press, the kind that Sarah Connor terminated the first terminator with in the movie Terminator. They should also be allowed to operate the metal press in as slow a manner as they wish as free expression of this.

The Right To Bear Arms. - Second Amendment
I'm not talking about shooting flagburners, that's waaaaay too quick for them. Bear arms, attached to a living, preferably hungry, bear, should be employed to hug flagburners in the gentle embrace that only a wild bear can give. Any ripping, shredding or disemboweling the bear arms do should be covered and protected under the amendment.

The Right to Peacefully Assemble - First Amendment Again
This right should be expanded to include piece-by-piece disassembly of flagburners. Say, like, with an array of farm implements, some dull, some sharp. We could mix it up so it doesn't get boring. Boredom can be pure torture, ask any Gitmo detainee.

The Right To Not Face Double Jeopardy. - Seventh Amendment
If an American is unsuccessful at expressing any one of these rights to their personal satisfaction, they should be able to express any of the other newly expanded rights listed here until the flagburner faces, what we can call Eternal Jeopardy.

The Right to Freedom of Expression - First Amendment One Final Time
An American should be allowed to exercise his/her freedom of expression by burning an American flag BURNER during or after the actual flagburning. I would recommend during, since that practically begs for the use of gasoline-filled balloons.
Then flagburners will never again have to fear a viscious facsist American government when they exercise their new constitutional right.

They will just have to fear people like me and maybe, you.

Let's do our best to make flagburning legal, unsafe and flagburners somewhere between rare and medium well.

Rating: 2.3/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (13)
RWDean Answers
Posted by RightWingDuck at 01:23 PM | Email This

As the Peyote Light wears off RWD Struggles to Control the Spirit of Dean which he now channels..

Let's join in on today's session..

QUESTION:Posted by Jonathan

Dr. Dean,
How come you're an idiot? and do you have a favorite pop-tart?

Mine's Hot Fudge Sundae.

"Ha. If I'm the (YEARGh) idiot, how come YOU'RE the one who put a hot fuge sundae in the toaster!! (Yea.. argh. h)"

QUESTION: Posted by Army NCO Guy

RWDean, I'm a white Christian Republican. Do you really hate me? I wanna be your friend.

I try to hate everyone equally. Check with my staff to see if we have any openings. Maybe we can go biking. I know a nice church with a bikepath

QUESTION: Posted by Thor Jr.

What is the answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything?

"The answer is 42 – billion dollars earmarked to find the answer to that! And Republicans are doing nothing about it!! Stupid, white Christians. (Ack. Ack)"

QUESTION: Posted by JoshG

Dr. Dean
….On the Jon Stewrt [sic] Show last night you were unfunny and said nothing of value. Do you think a moist clump of sod would have been a better guest? On a related note, did you order a pizza?

"Well, just HOW moist of a clump are we talking about? A semi-moist clump – I can take on no problem. Clods can be sexy, you kno? [very sic]

"Hmmm. Pizza. I didn’t think to order one. But that’s okay – the clod did."

QUESTION: Posted by xtremerightwing

How can we get the kitchen staff to vote Republican? Or rather, what steps are you taking to make sure the kitchen staff votes Republican?

"(Yea-arrgh). I'd be happy if the kitchen staff would serve my dinner while it's still warm. Or as they say, "Caliente". The reality is that kitchen help vote Democrat. Unless they speak English – then it’s anybody’s game."

QUESTION: Posted by Kalthalior

How is your outreach plan to Confederate-flag wearing voters coming? Making any progress?

(RWD is having a hard time channeling the Dean spirit. He picks up a pie and smashes it into his face. YEAAAAAAAAAAARGH)

"Senator Robert C. Byrd and I have talked about this at length. Confederate flag fans admire strength and determination. We are reaching out to them. So if you have a gun rack and fly the Confederate flag, make sure you visit our next event – The Rainbow Coalition Makeover Madness Party. It will be Fab-U-lous!"

QUESTION: Posted by spacemonkey

Dr. Dean, being the Bible know-er that you are, what is your favorite Old Testament book.

"Aargh. Uh. Arrrgh. Table of Contents. It’s magical in its ability to tell you where things are. BTW, shouldn't you be working on your scripts for the Podcast?"

QUESTION: Posted by Just Plain Frank

Does Vermont have penis envy?

"yeargh. Only the Male half."

Question: Posted by james wigderson

Dr. Dean, who can scream louder, you or Roger Daltry? I mean, you've got the energy, the passion, the itinerary, but Roger's got amplifiers and cool background music like, Won't Get Fooled Again.

Is it true you can scream louder than the engine on a Boeing 747?

"I don’t know about Daltry. But let me address this to all of my friends, plus all the other blue collar Americans who struggle under Republican rule. Remember folks, when you buy a jet airplane, buy American!!"

Question: Posted by Lily

Dr. Dean,

I understand you take issue with questions about your patriotism. To lay those charges to rest once and for all, can you name and do you know the words to our national anthem?

ARRRgh. Spit. Shudder.

“You think I don’t know the words to honor the land that I love? Shut up and listen! Ahem. Ahem. Ohhhhh. Can-a-da!!!..."


RWD slumps over. The spirit of Dean is gone.

Remember kids. Drink Diet Coke.

Rating: 2.6/5 (24 votes cast)

Comments (12)
ASK RWDean!!
Posted by RightWingDuck at 11:32 AM | Email This

Ladies and Gentlemen,

I ran out of Diet Coke this morning. The store only had Diet Pepsi, and being that Pepsi is the middle finger of the soda world I had to look for another drink there at local Mexican Mercado (That means market for you Other Than Mexicans).

Anyway, the only other drink they had was Peyote Light. Now with Splenda. Unbeknownst to me - Peyote has special mystical powers. And a fresh fruity aftertaste.

That's right. RWD is now channeling the spirit of Howard Dean!!!


Ask me anything you would want to ask Howard Dean!! I'll post answers to the best questions later today.

Quick before this wears off!! Do you want to know what Howard Dean is thinking!!? I have the answers!!

(Takes a sip)

Hmmm. Peyote Light check your local grocer for availability.

P.S. I had some leftover exclamation points. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (and a 4)

Rating: 2.3/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (22)
And All This Demonstrates Is How Clueless They Are About the Durbin Issue
Posted by Frank J. at 10:12 AM | Email This

Liberals are trying to manufacture outrage over Karl Rove's statements of:

Conservatives saw the savagery of 9/11 in the attacks and prepared for war; liberals saw the savagery of the 9/11 attacks and wanted to prepare indictments and offer therapy and understanding for our attackers.

I'm afraid I'm stating the obvious, but, the reason the liberals shaking their tiny fists in impotent rage won't results in an apology are two-fold:

1. What Rove said is true without hyperbole.
2. Everybody hates liberals and does not listen to their opinions.

Nice try, but no banana, muckadoos.

BTW, Michelle Malkin has a good roundup of reactions (as always), and, personally, I like the Puppy Blender's take.

Rating: 2.5/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (9)
June 23, 2005
3^2-th Carnival of Comedy
Posted by spacemonkey at 11:59 PM | Email This

Welcome to The 3^2-th Carnival of Comedy

Short intro this week and yes I know the carnival is later than advertised. And for good reason. What is the good reason? Exactly.

We are asking for constructive criticism on the entries this week, so I numbered the entries to make it simpler to reference the ones you are giving the critique of.
The object here is NOT TO CRITICIZE SPACEMONKEY. Simply put, I can't take it. I can however, dish it out.

Constructive criticism is what we are looking for here.

If you as a submitter to the carnival don't want to read criticism of your work, don't read the comments.

If you as a reader love an entry, comment in both places assuming they have comments.

Surf with care this week as I have not previewed all the posts for content. There may be some profanities or vulgarities might encounter that there are no warnings about. I wanted to review them for the first time after posting the Carnival.

Ok short intro got long. Several multiple submissions this week. On with the Carnival of Comedy #3^2 i.e. 9. Now with more and improved reader feedback!

1) Dana at Northshore Politics says criminals need to just Curl up and dye She submitted it twice for good measure.

2) Loren Kohl at Almanac of the Mundane presents a news satire piece, Darwinists agree to end evolution

3) Bill C at Brain Droppings presents The Boy hunt continues....

4) Gullyborg at Resistance is futile! presents The Montana Free Zone

5) a4g at Point Five presents Bush to Unveil New "Border Defense" Policy

6) Mama Duck at Texas Ducks presents Holy Crap or "She's Pooping the Distance!"

7) Ironman at Political Calculations presents Differences Between You and Your Boss

8) Steve the Pirate at Steve the Pirate[net] presents I'm a Genius

9a) Holly Aho at Soldiers' Angel - Holly Aho presents The 101 Things E-4 Skippy Can’t Do While in the Army and
9b) The Woman Who Stole a Dead Cat

11) Peemil at Where are my socks? presents What to do if the television eats you and puts you in a porno movie.[adult themes and artwork]

12) Dr. Phat Tony at Dr. Phat Tony's presents A Softer Side Of Phat

13) Jason Pomerantz at Fiddle and Burn: A Daily Comic Strip in Prose presents Jesus vs. Superman

14a) David at satire presents Larry King, Serial husband, monogamous Polygamist and the joys of multiple fatherhood [Images Probably Not Work Safe] and
14b) Michael Jackson Wins 4 Official and 1 Unofficial Oscar Verdicts (Part 1) [Images Probably Not Work Safe] David, only these two entries had valid urls, sorry.

15a) Damian G. at Conservathink presents Obviousman couldn't have said it better and
15b) Can you say, "Karma"?

16) Mustang 23 at Assumption of Command presents What is the Most Humid place in Iraq?

17) Buckley F. Williams at The Nose On Your Face presents "Shecky" Muhammad Opens Up Israeli Tour

18) alsocanadian at IAM(also)CANADIAN presents You Might Be A Jedi CANADIAN If...

19) Jim McCarthy at Letter From California presents Rock of Old Ages

20) bob at either orr presents The Khadr Family

21) Doc Rampage at Doc Rampage presents a sewing machine I actually want

22) The Man at GOP and the City presents Fox Outsources "24" To India

23) Pamela at Atlas Shrugs presents Contrary to whatever you've heard, He's not my boyfriend

24) The Evil Emperor Mindstation at Point Five presents Assassination Attempt Against Michael Moore Fails

25) Citizen Grim at Right Hand of God presents Gitmo & Aruba: A Tale of Two Resorts

26) David Brazeal at Horn+Swoggled presents Lakewood Launches Scientology Takeover Bid

27) Big Picture Guy at Big Picture, Small Office presents Throne for a Loop

28) Weisshaupt at Impossible Things to Believe Before Breakfast presents Liberals and Star Trek

29) Editor at Editors in Pajamas presents Statement

30) Mark A. Rayner at The Skwib presents The Lost PowerPoint Slides (#4)

31) Urthshu at Urthshu presents LGF Parody

32) John Hatch at Ideas Hatched presents One year of blogging

33a) Clupbert at Extra Strength Boredom Relief presents Northern Ireland Still Bored and
33b) baseball game rules

34) Stephen Feher at 411Mania - Politics presents The Weekly Monitor - 06-17-2005

35) Two Dogs at Mean Ol' Meany presents Dr. Akeith Responds

36) Will Franklin at WILLisms.com presents Creative Taxidermy.

37) Patriot Xeno at Right Hand of God presents Reviews of Movies I Have Not Seen Based Solely on Their Title:

38) jimmyb at The Conservative UAW Guy presents Durbin the [bleep]. Oops, I Mean Dick Durbin.

39) Kit Jarrell at Euphoric Reality presents The Time-Life Album That Never Quite Got Released

Thanks for taking part in the 9th Carnival of Comedy. Your comments welcome.

Info on entering the Carnival of Comedy can be found here.

Rating: 2.6/5 (27 votes cast)

Comments (17)
Manufactured With Pride in the USA
Posted by Harvey at 04:52 PM | Email This

While reading Blackfive, I noticed this:

"What Durbin faced [in reaction to his comparison of US troops to Nazis] was the bubbling up from the blogs and the pounding of the drums," said Daou, who first began monitoring the bloggers and feeding them information when he worked for Sen. John Kerry's presidential campaign. "This is a political tool, and it's manufactured outrage, it's feigned outrage, and it's extremely effective."...

Yes, it IS extremely effective.


Because since 2002, IMAO has consistently manufactured only the highest quality outrage. Accept no inferior substitutes!

Made to the most exacting specifications at our state-of-the-art production facilities in Florida, Wisconsin, Alabama, and California, ALL our outrage is 100% American made from the finest pique, fury and indignation.

Looking for peevishness, huffs, or hissy-fits? Try France - because you won't find any of that girly crap here.

When you shop from the IMAO catalog, you'll find only durable, long-lasting products, such as acrimony, anger, bile, gall, hatred, ire, rage, wrath, and the occasional blood-oath of vengeance.

Why settle for petty peevishness when you can have black-hearted murderousness?

For all your manufactured outrage needs, think quality.

Think IMAO.


Rating: 2.6/5 (24 votes cast)

Comments (15)
My Book - Inside IMAO
Posted by RightWingDuck at 11:56 AM | Email This

Ladies and Gentlemen,

I'm excited. In fact, I haven't been this excited since Howard Dean was chosen to lead the DNC. (Sigh, let's take a moment to count our blessings)

Anyway, I've been watching TV lately - which is not something I typically do. I saw that that some of the Jackson jurors were writing books. Really, what is there to say?

Interviewer: So you wrote a book?

Juror: Yes, it's called "Please, We're Really Not a Bunch of Idiots. Stop making fun of us."

Interviewer: Did you get help with the big words.

Juror: No, I was able to... hey!!!

To top that- Runaway Bride Jennifer Wilbanks, the only woman to have a bridal party AND a search party, has announced that she will be selling her story. Really. I can just picture those chapter titles now...

"Tips for how to cut your own hair"

"Faking it. No the other faking it. The disappearance."

"False accusations - maneuvering the PC landscape"

Yes, she's selling her story and making a pretty penny. All after having settled with her county over the reimbursement of search party expenses.

So why am I excited? Opportunity!! Here now is a major announcment.


Rating: 2.4/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (14)
I'll See Ya Later
Posted by Frank J. at 09:07 AM | Email This

Forgot about how I'm having a little vacation and really don't have time for posting today or tomorrow. I wanted to run with the idea of targeting some innocuous Democrat for an apology on a non-controversial statement, but that will have to wait until Monday unless someone else wants to pick it up (I haven't even had a chance to read the comments to the post).

Later, y'all.

Rating: 2.3/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (5)
June 22, 2005
Relocating Terrorists
Posted by Harvey at 06:26 PM | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

With all the hubbub about terrorists being tortured at Gitmo, the pansy Republicans agreed to shut down the detention facilities.

Not wanting to be accused of exacerbating the homeless problem, they started handing out government grants to encourage the creation of private detention facilities.

I checked it out - $50 per month per terrorist. That's some sweet cash!

So I figured I'd make a little money on the side by starting my own concentration camp, "Harv's House O' Happy Hebrew-Haters". All I had to do was keep these wacky Muslims from either escaping or complaining to Amnesty International and I'd make enough money to get that cool new PornStation Portable I'd had my eye on.

It seemed like a good idea at the time, but - as you can tell from the security tape excerpts in the extended entry - it... could've gone better...


Rating: 2.0/5 (28 votes cast)

Comments (13) | Precision Guided Humor Assignments
We Are Powerful and Our Enemies Are Weak
Posted by Frank J. at 03:24 PM | Email This

This post from Kos made me realize that we, the right-wing bloggers, haven't quite gloated enough at the success of the right-wing noise machine which we are becoming a bigger part of. As soon as I heard Durbin's remarks, I knew he would end up running away with his tail between his legs... and we would force him to it! Still, all the left-wing blogs supported Durbin's remarks, but, despite Kos having even more traffic than Instapundit, the left-wing blogs are weak and impotent. We, though, are the powerful and can get any result we desire! Everyone stop and gloat in the comments about our power while mocking our enemies.

Now, to test our power, I think we should see if we can make a groundswell of anger against something a Democrat says that's completely uncontroversial. Any ideas who to target? Preferably someone who is normally not in the news so it will come completely out of left-field. Let's put the fear of God in them!

UPDATE: I think we should identify who is the most undistinguished Democrat Congressman and attack him or her. That would make the best test. Any idea who that would be? I guess, in theory, it should be someone you aren't able to name off the top of your head.

UPDATE2: I have heard of this Senator, but she seems innocuous enough. Now I need a totally uncontroversial recent statement she's made that we can demand an apology for.

Rating: 2.1/5 (28 votes cast)

Comments (60)
Sometimes Problems Solve Themselves
Posted by Frank J. at 02:31 PM | Email This

Apparently, insurgents are now killing each other. I think this is a good idea. They should be killed, but it saves us time and ammo if they do it themselves. I hope this meme spreads. Maybe the oppressive Iran regime can fight the oppressive North Korean regime ("Poofy beards! Not poofy hair!") and kill each other off. What would be really cool if suicide bombers turned on each other. Then we might have bomb-laden cars having head on collisions with other bomb-laden cars. That there is entertainment!

Rating: 2.3/5 (31 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Carnival of Comedy Reminder
Posted by spacemonkey at 01:30 PM | Email This

There's a comedy carnival coming to town.

But are you part of it?

Will you be one of the people who say "Hey, why was not I told about this comedypalooza?" I'm imagining this voice to be sort of confused and a little angry, with a thick german accent.

Well, you can't blame me for not telling you!

Or you might be one of the people who are afraid to enter because you think you aren't funny. You are probably right. You probably suck.

Well, you might suck. But enter anyway. This time I think we should have an open discussion about the quality of the entries.

Not just "that post sucked" or "that post was great", but real advice on what could be done to improve an entry. Perhaps you feel an entry was too funny and you think you need some form of compensation for your sides splitting open, which parts you are alleging to be comedicly injurious to you.

People like feedback and seeing that many comedy writers are, in fact, people or at the very least know people, this is something some of them might appreciate.

Tell us. We can take it, we're like grown-ups and stuff. Some of us anyway.

So I dare you to enter the Carnival of Comedy.. I dare you.

Chicken. Yellow. Skeeerdycat.

Rating: 2.5/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Prayers for a Soldier
Posted by Frank J. at 12:10 PM | Email This

An Army Officer and fellow blogger was injured by an IED. He's in stable condition, thank God, but please keep him and his family in your prayers.

Thank you, Chuck, for being out there and doing the work you do. I hope you know we are so sincerely grateful for all you have done.

Iraq is still a very dangerous place; I don't write of everything I hear from my brother, but suffice to say our troops need God watching over them a lot of the time. If it's not bombs targeting civilians, it's specially placed IEDs to kill the troops. It gets me so mad some times, but there's not much I can do. It's people like Chuck and my brother who are out there helping settle the place and killing those bastards. God bless them all.

UPDATE: Chuck's wife has an update on his condition plus a message for those who want to pull the troops out immediately.

Rating: 2.0/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (4)
In My World: Sign of the Times
Posted by Frank J. at 11:36 AM | Email This

"Hold the ladder steady, idiot!" Bush yelled as he waved his hammer.

"Shouldn't other people be doing this?" Scott McClellan questioned as he tried to hold the ladder outside the entrance to the Senate chambers.

"If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself," Bush answered as he continued his work. "I wonder if Durbin's apology will have any effect on the crazies he stirred up?"

* * * *

"Even one of their own Senators say they are like Nazis!" yelled one Muslim, "We are justified in killing the Americans and those who support them!"

The others Muslims nodded in angry agreement.

One Muslim came running up to the others. "Senator Dick Durbin apologized for his remarks!"

"Then it's not true that the Americans are like Nazis!" said one.

"We've been misdirecting our anger all along," said another.

"From now on, let's love and support America," proclaimed the head of the mob, "but, first, let's head to McDonald's and declare jihad... on our appetites!"

* * * *

"You know, I spoke very forcefully against Sen. Durbin's remarks," Scott said proudly.

"Yeah, but no one listens to you, Tubby," Bush answered as he continued hammering. "Now I just hope we can put this whole Gitmo debate behind us."

The hooded figure or Karl Rove emerged from the shadows. "Your poll numbers are down. This does not bode well."

"So what, Rover?" Bush replied, "Not like I'm running for anything."

"But we must keep people supporting you so they shall support all Republicans in turn. Then the Republican takeover can be complete and the prophecy fulfilled."

"I don't see why my poll numbers are dropping," Bush said, "I'm a real likeable guy and..." Bush spotted someone walking by and quickly leaped down from the ladder and grabbed him, slamming him up against the wall. "Thought you could sneak by me, huh?" Bush yelled in anger.

"No! No!" Senator Frist replied.

Bush slammed his hammer into the wall right next to Frist's head. "I want my up or down vote on Bolton! You hear me!"

"I'll get it for you! I promise!"

"You better! Or I'll just kill you and get myself a new Majority Leader in the Senate!"

Bush let go of Frist who quickly ran off. Bush then climbed back up the ladder. "As I was saying, I'm a likeable guy. Only people who are stupid and dumb would be against me. I think I'll go on the air and say that. People don't like being called stupid and dumb." Bush then grumbled to himself, "I know I hate it."

Rove sighed an unholy sigh and faded back into the shadows. Bush went back to work, but then stopped when he heard a strange noise. "What's that?"

"Conyers had so much fun doing a mock impeachment hearing," Scott explained, "that him and friends are now on the Capitol steps doing a full production of Rent."

"Sometime I think I'm the only sane one here." After a little bit more hammering, Bush climbed down the ladder to look at his work. Over the entrance to the Senate chambers was the sign, "NO CRYING ALLOWED."

"So that's it, then?" Scott asked.

"Yep," Bush answered, "I thought it was important to get that up before the vote on Bolton. One more Senator crying, and no one will ever respect America again. That's why I put this sign up... to help with our effort in the war!"

"Speaking of that," Scott said, "there were some issues I know Condi wanted to discuss with you on..."

"Bah!" Bush interrupted, "That's enough work for one day. Now let's go goof-off and eat Doritos like a jailed dictator."

Rating: 2.8/5 (31 votes cast)

Comments (9) | In My World
Posted by Frank J. at 09:41 AM | Email This

D'oh! I knew there was something I forgot to link. It was Harvey's blogiversary the other day.

While I'm at it, John Hawkins has a list of those screwing up America - one we bloggers vote on and one of his own.

If you have yet to read this, I pity you. Yeah, it's now flogging a dead horse to link it now, but it is so hilarious.

I know I'm forgetting some stuff I meant to link to. Really, if you have something that you think needs linking on IMAO, you should probably e-mail someone other than me or SarahK as we're just so busy. I really need to get the other bloggers' e-mails up...

UPDATE: Here's a link for Dr. Phat Tony so he doesn't start crying like a U.S. Senator.

Rating: 2.4/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (3)
No, Virginia, We're Not Nazis
Posted by Frank J. at 09:30 AM | Email This

I hope you're all happy. You made Durbin cry.

I was in the "an apology isn't enough" crowd, but to see him there eating all his words and defenses of his words has taken a bit of the wind out of me. Actually, it seem like we succeeded in neutering him. Perhaps he'll have to give back his award.

Thanks go to Mayor Richard Daley for being the only prominent Democrat to codemn Durbin's remarks. It's probably notable that Daley's son is in the Army.

In a somewhat related note, in a conference I'll be attending soon I may have an opportunity to speak to George Clooney. Do you think I'd be crossing the line to tell him that the move Batman and Robin was worse than the Holocaust?

I liked Ocean's 11, though.

* * * *

Citizen Smash, who served in this war, has this to say.

Rating: 2.3/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (13)
June 21, 2005
I'm a Lazy Foo'
Posted by Frank J. at 05:12 PM | Email This

I have yet to send thank yous to all who have sent PayPal gifts to me and SarahK. I just want you to know I haven't forgotten to do it so you won't think I'm a jerk (well, not a really, really big jerk).

Rating: 2.5/5 (26 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 03:45 PM | Email This

Peter Goss says the CIA has an "excellent idea" where Osama bin Laden is hiding. Where is that?


Rating: 2.5/5 (27 votes cast)

Comments (10) | Fun Trivia
Please Notice That "Humor Blogs That Turn Into Group Blogs" Didn't Make the List
Posted by Harvey at 02:34 PM | Email This

Beejay of The Day Lee Misadventures has a list of the Top Ten Most Annoying Types of Blogs/Bloggers.

I'm guessing she had the Puppy Blender in mind when she wrote #2.

Go ahead & call me crazy, but read Glenn's latest "look at my new $1000 TV set" post before you do.

Rating: 2.3/5 (24 votes cast)

Comments (7)
Ronin Thought of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 01:18 PM | Email This

From Sigmund Freud:

"A fear of weapons is a sign of retarded sexual and emotional maturity."

Explains a lot, don't it? (hat tip to The Conservative UAW Guy)

Rating: 2.3/5 (35 votes cast)

Comments (10) | Ronin Thought of the Day
Sen. Durbin Should Face More Than Censure But Should Not Be Forced Out of the Senate
An Editorial by Frank J.
Posted by Frank J. at 11:41 AM | Email This

 It's an interesting debate on what dissent is responsible in time of war. We now have no problem defeating the enemy on the battlefield; our only weakness is our resolve. The terrorists know this, and hope to make the dissenters in our own country loud enough that we give up. Thus, irresponsible speech against America and its military gives comfort to the enemy that their attacks are working. At the same time, pointing out a legitimate fault might have the same effects. So when does speech cross the line from valid criticism to aiding the enemy? Perhaps, as Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart said about pornography, "I'll know it when I see it... and be even more sure the second time."

"Finally, the public gets to wait in line to pummel him with wiffle ball bats."

 Anyway, Senator Durbin should be neutered. What he said didn't come even close to responsible speech; he might as well start asking Al Qaeda for pay as a PR agent. Censure isn't enough for that, so I think neutering is a good start. If Durbin were to produce little Durbins, obviously no one would want them. Thus neutering Durbin is the humane thing to do plus sets a good example for pet owners.

 Next, a metal garbage pail should be put over his head, and all the other senators should take turns hitting the pail with a stick. Hopefully, this can be done in a bipartisan way. After that, he'll be dazed and confused. This will be a good time to dress him up in a tutu and parade him through the streets. If he mumbles something about his treatment comparable to what the Nazis did, make sure the crowd on the street has plenty of tomatoes and eggs.

 When Durbin is marched back to the Senate hall, next should come the old tradition of ripping off his Senator badge and forcing him to eat his own poo. Finally, the public gets to wait in line to pummel him with wiffle ball bats.

 All of this should make it quite clear that Durbin's slander was inappropriate, thus there is no reason to then kick him out of the Senate. Instead, he should be given a job as cashier at the Senate's cafeteria so he can still talk to his Senate friends but not be able to vote on legislation (unless there's some obscure rule where the cashier at the cafeteria gets to make a deciding vote in some situations - which there could be since I don't even know the non-obscure Senate rules).

 I think we can all agree this is a reasonable and appropriate punishment for Dick Durbin. Let's get the Senate to start voting on it as we pick out a trustworthy veterinarian to neuter him.

Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as "Rap Music and Pol Pot: The Untold Story" and "Fun Things to Do While Chained to the Floor in Gitmo".

Rating: 2.4/5 (38 votes cast)

Comments (9) | Editorials
Time to Spread the Word
Posted by Frank J. at 09:15 AM | Email This

The IMAO team is still really pumped about doing these podcasts despite all the work they entail and see them as the next big thing. We now even have a promo for the latest podcast you can download here. If you like IMAO podcasts, then please send this to everyone you know to help get the word out about the next big thing in blogging.

Also, please vote and comment about the podcast (and vote!) here and here to keep our standing in the regular podcast community. They tend to lean left, so we need your help.

There are people who have listened to and enjoyed our podcast and not voted for it at Podcast Alley. If I had not told you these were IMAO readers, you would most certainly believe these non-voters were Nazis, Soviets in their gulag, or some mad regime - Pol Pot or others - that had no concern for podcasts. If you don't help support the podcast, I'll cut back on funny posts and instead just cat-blog.

I'll be like: "Look at this picture of my cat!"

And you'll be like: "Ahh! I hate cats! Get to the funny!"

And I'll be like: "Look. She's hiding in a box. Isn't that cute?"

And you'll be like: "I want to gouge out my eyes!"

And I'll be like: "Hey! She knocked over a lamp! I'll kill her!"

And you'll be like: "Yes! Kill! Kill! I demand blood for my entertainment!"

And so on. Don't let that happen. Instead, DO AS I TELL YOU!

Go vote for the IMAO podcast (you can do it once a month at Podcast Alley) and e-mail the promo to everyone you can think of saying, "I got this at the bestest site ever - IMAO.us!"

Be honorable, ronin.

Rating: 2.5/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (5)
June 20, 2005
A War on the Blog War
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 PM | Email This

There is an article at Blogcritics criticizing The Alliance - something which I created a long time ago and then forgot about when I got bored, eventually letting Harvey take it over. Susie, who I haven't linked to in a dreadfully long time, defends the honor of The Alliance!

(insert battle cry of the Alliance here which I now forget; probably something about the puppy blender)

Rating: 1.9/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (12)
Find the Nazism
Posted by Frank J. at 06:58 PM | Email This

This is from Uber's comment to this post, and I thought it was worth everyone having a gander:

I have composed the list of supposed "sever human rights abuses" by services members according to Oasis who uses a Times article as proof.

1-whispering in ear of terrorist while med care is given.
(give me a break)
2-wrestling terrorist to ground for physically attacking and attempting to spit on military personnel who whisper in ears.
(treatment that any petty criminal would receive)
3-forced terrorist to stand for undisclosed amount of time
(a technique popularly used for children when they get into trouble)
4-forced terrorist to sit still for undisclosed for amount of time
(a technique used on billions of children in public and privite education only chairs are wodden or plastic)
5-forced fluids by IV drip when terrorist refuses liquids and beomes dehydrated
(technique used on military personnel who have become dehydrated on purpose or not)
6-hand cuffed terrorist to chair when he tried to rip IV out
(a technique I don't doubt would be used on any severely dehydrated service member trying to rip out a life saving IV)
7-bathroom visit prohibited until terrorist answers questions
(another technique used on billions of children in public and private schools all over the world only the teacher doesn't need a reason to say no and the child COULD go ahead with lesss risk than the terrorist I suppose, but again, school children aren't dangerous terrorists.)
8-confuses terrorists by letting them sleep in.
9-confuses terrorists by giving them home-cooked Arab meal
10-try to use terrorist being allowed to pray to get him to DRINK WATER AND NOT DIE.
(the horror)
11-poured water over terrorists head when he STILL refused to drink water and NOT DIE.
(this bores me now but on I will go)
12-woke terrorist by dripping water on his head and playing Christina Aguilera music.
(I've thrown ice water on someone I love to wake them in the past, the lame assed music was their own though)
13-forced terrorist to watch a terrorist puppet show
14-shown photos of victims of terrorist, American flags and red lights.
(Hell yeah, wish we could force this on them ALL and a few wishy-washy liberals too!)
15-Made terrorist stand for National Anthem
(Military personnel must also stand for National Anthem, I'm sure he remains as unscathed as liberals at sports events who cave to peer pressure and stand up)
16-taped photo of 9-11 victim to terrorists pants.
17-close physical presence of a female service member to terrorist.
(no gender discrimination here to save you buddy, get over it and be happy she could stand your stench and be close)
18-rewarded terrorist with a blanket and turning down the AC for information
(when I want a man to turn down the AC and let me put an extra blanket on the bed I have to flirt, sneak, or both)
19-ANOTHER forced IV when MORE med care is given and doc says terrorist is dehydrated FROM REFUSING WATER.
20-Music played to keep terrorist awake.
(again, the neighbor's son often abuses me at night with Slim Shady, so what)
21-after EVEN MORE medical care, terrorist is placed in isolation with a heart monitor just in case HIS OWN ACTIONS are hurting him.
(many in the US and around the world don't have access to medical care at all, much less can have specialists flown in to care for them when they've done it to themselves)
22-due to terrorists HARMFUL ACTIONS TO HIMSELF a specialist is FLOWN IN FROM 600 MILES away, terrorist is given MORE MEDICAL CARE and an ENTIRE DAY OF SLEEP, just because, though no medical probs were found
(this is more than average stay-at-home and new mothers who are exausted feeding and caring for children round the clock receive)
23-After even MORE MEDICAL CARE, terrorist is hooded, shackled, restrained and taken back to camp in an ambulanced after his nice little vacation
(all this medical care for terrorists own actions is starting to really piss me off, on the other hand I expect no less from our fine US service members)
24-Terrorist is briefly nude during a strip search
25-Try to get terrorist to bark and growl like a dog at photos of other terrorists
(LOL! Not sure of the purpose but this is something I could and would totally do and not find the least bit torturous)
26-Arab speaking service member tries to pose as terrorist's friend and make nice to get info
(Wow, how horrible of them.)

Now, here is the list of so-called SEVERE HUMAN RIGHTS ABUSES of terrorists at the hands of US service members at GITMO. I'm quite certain they wouldn't commit severe human rights abuses against you, Oasis, or even you Durbin, for comparing them to Nazi tactics because that just isn't who they are and what they are about. I would totally kick your ass for your lies if I could though.

Rating: 2.5/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (15)
Ok, This Is Different
Posted by spacemonkey at 05:40 PM | Email This

Here's a pregnant DUDE.

I wonder if he knows who the mother is.

Update: This could be a bunch of hooey.

Update2: Or a hoax.

Update3: Or made up

Rating: 2.3/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (27)
The Context
Posted by Frank J. at 03:52 PM | Email This

In my Father's Day post I wrote that my father "used to break into cars in South Central L.A. to support my mom and little Joe foo'. He even strangled a guy in prison."

For the curious, here's the context that was lacking:


Rating: 2.7/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (10)
The Maverick Awards
Posted by RightWingDuck at 02:48 PM | Email This

I’ve been reading a lot of Michelle Malkin lately. She’s great at tracking all these Republicans who turn on us. However, when people disagree with our conservative viewpoint, I believe that makes them heroes.

It is with that spirit in mind that I’d like to present, IMAO’s First When We Feel Like It Maverick Awards!! An award that is distributed whenever we feel like it.

(Audience Applause)

This time around, we had so many wonderful candidates. One of the first nominations went to Carls Jr. for using an ad with Paris Hilton in a bikini washing a car – all while eating a burger. Not only is this accurate, I can’t tell you how many times I munch on a Big Mac while scrubbing the Hyundai, it blazed a trail for daring to use sex in advertising. WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT!!! Their next commercial has Hilton rubbing herself with BBQ sauce.

(Audience applause)

Our next nomination went to Newsweek. Technically,they’re not conservative, but they are indeed a brave magazine that stepped out and told the truth. Or what they thought was the truth. Or rather, what somebody who knows somebody who has a friend who thinks he slept with somebody who for sure might know something about Koran flushing. Newsweek stepped forward at a time when others sat on their hands waiting for facts. Newsweek is a true Maverick in every sense of the word. But they, like their ad sales and subscriptions, fell short. Have they considered using Paris Hilton?

One of our top nominees was John McCain - Honorary Democrat. What do you do when you have to wage a tough fight in the battle of Good versus Evil. Work out a solution. In a time when most politicians reach down into their pants and find nothing but classified documents, John McCain dropped his to show that he has no shame of anything. Whatsover.

However, in light of recent events, we here at IMAO would like to present the Maverick award to the bravest of all souls – Illinois Senator Dick Durbin. Dick stepped forward and had the courage to call our treatment of deadly terrorist evil – on par with the Nazis, the Soviets, and Pol Pot. This surprised the Gitmo Trainees so much – they almost spit up their glazed chicken.

We will now have an acceptance speech from Senator Durbin.

(Audience Applause)


Rating: 2.0/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Time to End Gitmo
Posted by Frank J. at 01:45 PM | Email This

I think I just put my finger on what makes me so mad about Gitmo: I've been a law-abiding citizen paying my taxes, but I've never been given a free Koran and prayer rug by my government. But, try and kill some Americans, and it's "Pass the rice pilaf!"

I say we immediately take all our troops out of Gitmo and demolish it.

Rating: 2.5/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (13)
Kwazy Kafir Kaos!
Posted by Frank J. at 11:22 AM | Email This

I did some more research on Gitmo, and I found some activities that do seem a bit culturally insensitive to the murderous terrorists. This should probably stop, but, then again, it was their culture that led them to this point so maybe we should break it down.



Rating: 2.4/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Have Fun Storming the Castle
Posted by Frank J. at 09:21 AM | Email This

What my brother was up to this weekend.

(He said he had was part of some new operation for the next few days, so I could only assume it was this)

That makes 50 less things to worry about.

Rating: 2.8/5 (24 votes cast)

Comments (7)
The Fourth IMAO Podcast Forum
Posted by Frank J. at 06:58 AM | Email This

Comment on the podcast here (or send e-mails to its e-mail to possibly win a t-shirt). Remember to keep voting (someone wrote a bad comment about us on that site!) and spreading the word about how you love the IMAO podcast more than life itself.

Make sure to tell us what you don't like along with what you do so we can keep making these better.

Rating: 2.6/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (41)
June 19, 2005
Happy Father's Day
Posted by Frank J. at 07:48 AM | Email This

Thanks to all the Fathers out there, especially my mean old man. He's responsible for the sense of humor I have today. He also always worked hard for the benefit of my family. Back before I was born, he used to break into cars in South Central L.A. to support my mom and little Joe foo'. He even strangled a guy in prison. (both of those are true but lacking important context)

I guess I'm just trying to say I'm happy I had an influence like him while growing up and still have him today when I need someone to be mean and tease me.

His humor seemed quite similar to Jonah Goldberg's dad. Sid Goldberg passed away this year, and the text of Jonah's eulogy is here with further thoughts from Jonah here.

Rating: 2.5/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (17)
June 18, 2005
Apology for the Stupids
Posted by Frank J. at 12:08 PM | Email This

Dick Durbin apologizes... FOR YOU BEING SO STUPID!

No, really. Here's the statement from his website.

Or maybe I just misread it... SINCE I'M SO STUPID!

I think even resignation isn't enough at this point. The only way Durbin could redeem himself now is if he were forced to eat his own face.

Rating: 2.4/5 (25 votes cast)

Comments (39)
June 17, 2005
Posted by Harvey at 10:01 PM | Email This


Q: Why does Glenn Reynolds love his father so much?


Rating: 2.5/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (11)
A Feel Good Story with Violence!
Posted by Frank J. at 04:09 PM | Email This

Nothing's better than a feel good story - especially one involving courage, female empowerment, and twenty-seven dead terrorists. Read it here. (hat tip to Best of the Web)

Rating: 2.3/5 (26 votes cast)

Comments (13)
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 03:33 PM | Email This

Who invented rap music?


Rating: 2.4/5 (26 votes cast)

Comments (12) | Fun Trivia
Time to Stop Nazism!
Posted by Frank J. at 02:44 PM | Email This

I don't mean just the playing of rap music, either. Look at this new project from Halliburton, the company Cheney has absolutely no financial ties to but promotes for purposes of pure evil (thanks to commenter Human for alerting me):

Reuters | June 17 2005
WASHINGTON (Reuters) - A Halliburton Co. unit will build a new $30 million detention facility and security fence at the U.S. naval base at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, where the United States is holding about 520 foreign terrorism suspects, the Defense Department announced on Thursday.

The announcement comes the same week that Vice President Dick Cheney and Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld defended the jail after U.S. lawmakers said it had created an image problem for the United States.

Critics have decried the indefinite detention of Guantanamo detainees, whom the United States has denied rights accorded under the Geneva Conventions to prisoners of war. The prison was called "the gulag of our times" in a recent Amnesty International report.

An air-conditioned two-story prison, known as Detention Camp #6, will be built at Guantanamo to house 220 men. It will include exercise areas, medical and dental spaces as well as a security control room, the contract announcement said.

The contract announcement did not specify whether the new prison would also hold foreign terror suspects.

Under the deal with the Norfolk, Virginia-based U.S. Naval Facilities Engineering Command, Atlantic, the work is to be wrapped up by July 2006. It is part of a larger contract that could be worth up to $500 million if all options are exercised, the Defense Department said.

The project is to be carried out by Halliburton subsidiary Kellogg Brown & Root Services of Arlington, Virginia. It includes site work, heating ventilation and air conditioning, plumbing and electrical work, the Pentagon said.

The first prisoners arrived at the prison camp in January 2002 after the Sept. 11, 2001, hijacked airliner attacks on New York and the Pentagon.

The Pentagon has said about 520 detainees from more than 40 countries are being held at the prison, without giving a precise figure.

Rumsfeld said on Tuesday U.S. taxpayers had spend more than $100 million on construction costs and no other facility could replace it.

Did you see that, people? It will be AIR-CONDITIONED! That will only allow for more Nazi torture tatics like Senator Dick Durbin described. It's time we put a stop to this evil and demand that all prisoners be held in buildings with no AC. Someone start a petition!

Rating: 2.0/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (27)
One Final Note...
Posted by RightWingDuck at 12:58 PM | Email This

I was reading the Puppy Blender and it took me to this article at NRO.

Here's a portion of that article...

I thought about it before I got over here, and feel even stronger about it now that it may be my reality. God forbid, if something happens to me over here, I do not want to be used by the likes of Phil Hansen in Seattle, Michael Moore, Gary Trudeau, or Ted Koppel, to make their political points against the war, the President, and finally the country, all the while saying "they support the troops". I have no doubt in my mind that Michael Moore would rather hear a report that 600 soldiers were killed last month in Iraq rather than 60 — but he "supports the troops". Anyway, are you aware of any list that is around that soldiers could put their name on so that if something happened, while understanding our families couldn't stop it, that these despicable phonies would be asked not to use our deaths to further their agenda that runs completely counter to why I volunteered to be where I am and counter to the real desires of 99 percent of the Iraqi people?

Much is said about the declining recruiting numbers in the Armed Forces. I don't know why the numbers would be down. They ban recruiters from visiting college campuses, they accuse recruiters of kidnapping, and they never fail to mention the latest abuses such as lukeward food and spotty cable reception. Sure, sometimes prisoners "fall" but that can't be helped.

However, this harping on recruiting numbers is unfair. Each month, there are many who DO step forward and follow their heart. To those of you who serve - thank you.

However, this article got me to thinking about a new law or regulation we could have for our military serving overseas.

The Final Letter Law

All servicemen and women serving in the Armed Forces shall write a letter - to be read at their funeral ceremony. The soldier/sailor/Marine/airman's final comments will be the final part of the ceremony. No comments from friends or family allowed afterwards.

This would be ideal. I could just see a military funeral now...

At the podium..

Rabid Lefty Mom: "My son hated the military. He did it because he had to and we were poor. Bush lied. I will not rest until Bush is put in prison for lying to the American people. Arrrrgh. (frothing at mouth)"

Chaplain. "And now, Lance Corporal Smith will read the Final Letter."

Letter: "Dearest friends. If you are reading this, then I guess things didn't go as well for me as I would have like. I want to thank my parents for raising me. I want to thank my friends and loved ones, who I hope are gathered here today. I want to thank my fellow Marines who stood by my side in combat and promised to be there for me no matter how lonely, tired, hungry or scared they were. I hope I served well.

Please know that I love my country. Of all the opportunities I could have followed in life, and being in America - I had many, the one that meant the most to me was the chance to serve, and to follow in the footsteps of those who wore the uniform and risked it all for a greater good. There are many who don't see the evils on the horizon. There are those who refuse to open their eyes and instead close them to see the world as they wish it to be. To those people I can only say that I saw it clearly, and I hope that you'll see it too one day before it's toolate. Friends, I know that one day we will meet again. Semper Fi.

Rabid Left Mother: Well. that's not true...SPLAT(Gets a pie smushed into her face by the Chaplain)

Chaplain: The dead are allowed the final word. Thank you all for coming. CNN is outside filming the war protesters. Here's the transcipt of the letter for Fox News.

Rating: 2.4/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (12)
I Forget Which Rap Music They Played in Schindler's List
Posted by Frank J. at 10:55 AM | Email This

Dick Durbin said that fiddling with the AC and playing rap music at Gitmo was akin to the abuses of the Nazis, Soviet gulags, and Pol Pot. I did some research, though, and found a number of abuses by the Nazis, Soviets, and Khmer Rouge that went way beyond that, calling into question the accuracy of Durbin's comparison.



Rating: 2.2/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (11)
Support Your Local Senator
Posted by Frank J. at 08:42 AM | Email This

Or denounce, him, as the case may be. Michelle Malkin has a great idea about calling our own Senators about Dick Durbin's remarks. I'll see what Republican Mel Martinez (who I voted for in both the primary and general election, so he owes me) and Democrat Bill Nelson have to say.

UPDATE: Done. Called both the D.C. offices and said I was very angry by Durbin's statment and would like the Senators to make it clear that, while you can argue against Guantamo Bay, such rhetoric as Durbin's is unacceptable. I urge everyone to do the same (but with your Senators).

UPDATE2: The latest from Durbin.

Rating: 2.5/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (57)
June 16, 2005
Carnival Of Comedy #Hate 8
Posted by spacemonkey at 11:59 PM | Email This

Ok maybe I've got a bad attitude. Maybe, it's the afteraffects of getting tranq'd, I dunno but I got a little snarky this week. So, if I hurt anybody's feelings, please, tell me about it in the comments.

No, I don't particularly care, I just want to know.

On to the Carnival. The 8th Carnival Of Comedy. Now with attitude!

If you are one of those happy folk that think using a single silly phrase repeatedly is high comedy then you are in for a treat and are going to frickin' LOVE The Evil Emperor Mindstation Goes To Washington

Do not disturb the Yogurt Tipper says the gravelly geezer - Saintly behavior in our time.

A Obama bin Yeaaarhg-in Caption Contest

Doc Rampage (man that graphic at the top is big) says Technogrexual's are really technoweenies

If you are put off by Joel Osteen's 'feel good' religion you'll like to know about the Jesus Seminar II

Personally, I believe this is just a blatant ripoff of "The Meat Market Manager and the Maroon Mittens". Maybe not, but, if you think stories about green gloves and grocers(hey that's alliteration!) are hilarious, put your drinks away when you read The Grocer and the Green Gloves.

This is kind of vulgar but at least its short, hah! you'll get it after reading Grexual healing or maybe my comment just wasn't funny.

Outrageous! - ACLU Condemns "Cruel & Unusual" plumbing at Gitmo.

Pictures and Words, together! And the kicker is the words are about the pictures! The Weekly Monitor - 6/10/2005 Actually rather funny. And don't mean that in a Dan Rather kind of way.

Some people need to just Tone It Down at work.

I'd quess a lot of cattle farmers wished this was accurate. - Cows 4 Sale.

I'l let it speak for itself. New Anorexia Cure Touted, Pizza Futures Soar.

Typical mail - B-Cack Goes Postal.

An army of TWO. - Massive Commie/Hippie Invasion Halted in Small Town, Jesusland .

Bad teeth from a bad habit - That Is So NOT Fabulous.

I can't Gitmo, though I try...

Read the Gratuitous Cajun Joke or maybe it was a jeauxke.

Jim deserves an award for this Trophy Inflation post. Shoot, you guys all deserve one.

Gooood advice from Phin with Things every man should know. You listening, Frank J?

Citizen Grim is a visionary and also a, whats the word for someone who see what's not here, now? anyway here is: Bush's Poll Numbers Directly Tied to Lack of Initiative on Flying Cars

Drop out now! be agGazzillonaire like me! IGuru (Steve Jobs) Began His iCampus Crusade

A aromatic tale starring stinky cheese, Instapungent. And his entry has no profanity this time, how 'bout that Ellison?!

Hmmmm. Late Night Thoughts

Jacko is backo. Michael Jackson and NAMBLA Jointly Celebrate Victory

Future history is so yestermorrow: The War of 2007

I hate the title. Michael Jackson Gets Off!

High-Tech Chairs

Dean: Republikans are all white criminals I know I'm one.

Breaking News: Zombie Fatty Arbuckle Attacking Neverland Ranch

100 percent pre... - ok now, I'm confused. I Don't Get It Who does?

[Language, Grexual Storm/Scout Trooper Photo.]Wilbanks Book Deals

Those who are soon to be parents, we salute you!

Caption the monkey. Wednesday Caption Contest: Part 10.

Hooray! The First! Official Gay-List! I edited his title. See if you can figure out what I did.

Ground Control, Where is Kim Yong? Answer? he's il.

That does it for this week. Thanks for playing, reading, linking, laughing and putting up.

Again compliments on the carnival are welcome in the comments.

Suggestions for making the Carnival better and recommendations for where to stick/shove/[bleep] the Carnival will be tolerated in the comments but snarked at as deemed appropriate.

Next week's Carnival of Comedy will be here again. Yay!
Questions on joining are answered here.

Update: Now with Instalanch-edness

Rating: 2.6/5 (30 votes cast)

Comments (10)
I Wish Einstein Was Right, Though
Posted by Frank J. at 06:50 PM | Email This


BTW, interesting discussion of God and evolution here with a short but important follow up here.

Rating: 2.5/5 (25 votes cast)

Comments (27)
It's Under Construction
Posted by spacemonkey at 05:38 PM | Email This

The Carnival is under construction, after being off for two weeks I am an idiot.

That's right, you heard me, the vacation didn't change anything.

Anyway, it will be up (why do we always say 'up'?) sometime while it is still the day called Thursday.

Sorry, I know how everyone plans their Thursdays around the Carnival Of Comedy now that Friend was canceled but that's just the way it is. Sorry.

Rating: 2.3/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Whoa! Earthquake.
Posted by RightWingDuck at 05:10 PM | Email This

Wow, that was a big one!

RightWingDuck here with breaking news available only to me and the millions of people who live here in Southern California. We just had a pretty good earthquake.

What do you guys do when you have an earthquake?

Well, in grammar school, we learned to get under the tables and cower in fear, with our hands over our heads (better than a helmet baby). Nowadays, what we do is we look at each other asking, "Is that an earthquake? Are you shaking the table? No? Then it's an earthquake."

There's always one person who panics and shrieks so loud it frightens all your coworkers. Sorry about that. Then, the next step is to guess how strong it was and turn on the news to see if you were right.

I could never live in California. Those earthquakes are scary.
Well, the first one is kind of dramatic. But then you go with the flow. Personally, I could never live in Florida -(Hurricanes). Kansas (Tornados) or Utah (No beer)

What's it feel like afterwards?
Well, your knees are shaky for a short while and then you go back to business as normal.

How strong was the earthquake?
Preliminary reports (Pasadena websites - no not blogs) says it was a 5.1

How strong is THAT?
Well, in California, enough to make kids squeal and just about enough to knock some bricks off of older buildings. In other countries - it would mean 50,000 dead.

Where have you been, lately?
Experimenting with an Earthquake Machine.

Why do you live in California?
What? And miss all this?

Rating: 2.1/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (19)
Trying to Save a Life
Posted by Frank J. at 01:53 PM | Email This

Reader Katie e-mailed me this:

I don't know if you've seen on Drudge the story about the young Catholic woman with brain cancer who's being kept alive until she can bring her baby to term. It's being slowly picked up by different MSM outlets. Jason Torres, her husband, went to high school with me, and his mom is a friend of my family's, so it's personal for me. He's had to quit his job to stay by her side. Their medical bills are about $7,500 a day and they're looking to at least mid-July before they can deliver the baby, assuming the cancer doesn't spread to her uterus. I was hoping maybe you could help spread the word through the blogosphere. Faith and Action have set up a fund to help with the medical costs, so it's all tax deductible and such. If you can help, that would be wonderful.

http://www.susantorresfund.org/ is the fund site

http://www.usatoday.com/printedition/news/20050616/1a_cover16.art.htm is the USA Today article.

I don't even know what to say about this, other than that I'll have the Torreses in my prayers. If you have some money to spare, please help out. If not, at least say a little prayer. It makes a difference.

Rating: 2.5/5 (26 votes cast)

Comments (20)
The Hate-Filled Lefty Meets Howard Dean
Posted by Frank J. at 11:41 AM | Email This

Hate-Filled Lefty meets hate-filled, crazed rhetoric.


Rating: 2.3/5 (38 votes cast)

Comments (32) | Frank the Artist
Strike Me Down and I Will Become More Powerful Than You Can Possibly Imagine
Posted by Frank J. at 10:15 AM | Email This

We need constructive criticism to keep improving the IMAO podcast, so definitely tell us what you didn't like of the third one. Also, if you like it at all, I'd appreciate if you vote for us so we can keep some movement in the podcast community.

BTW, still just a little time left to enter the contest for this week and win a t-shirt.

A Hate-Filled Lefty comic is ready for posting and will be up a little later today.

Rating: 2.4/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (18)
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 09:38 AM | Email This

What other wacky things did the Nazis do other than play rap music and fiddle with the A.C.?


Rating: 2.2/5 (24 votes cast)

Comments (15) | Fun Trivia
June 15, 2005
Relax It Wasn't Me
Posted by spacemonkey at 11:31 PM | Email This

Space Monkey Seized

Though, when I first read the headline, I'll admit I was a bit disoriented. I didn't recall being seized. What was going on here? Was I taken by surprise by some cowardly animal control agents?

I assumed maybe, I'd been tranq'ed which might explain my not remembering. But when I finally realized I wasn't groggy, my suroundings were familar. And I finished reading the rest of the article it dawned on me,

I was safe,

at least,

for now.

Thanks to Ed Flinn at Monkey Watch for the heads up.

Rating: 2.1/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (9)
A Tenderly Dedicated Poetical Ode to the Peculiar and Unpredictable Nuances of Political Speech as Occasionally Put Forth by the Former Governor of Vermont and Current DNC Chair, Howard Dean
Posted by Harvey at 07:07 PM | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Howard Dean, a man insane
Earthworms crawling through his brain
Stood himself upon a stage
And sputtered loony words of rage.

"Republicans are filthy hogs!
Into blenders they put dogs!
Never work those honest jobs,
Sleep all day and dress like slobs!"

"Lazy! Shiftless! Liars, too!
Never bathe! They smell like poo!
They hate gays! Won't let them wed!
They starve old folks 'til they're dead!"

"Torture children! (call it "spanking")
CPS we should be thanking!
Kill the poor and steal their cars!
Say rude things to movie stars!"

"Foul the air! Pollute the skies!
Pull the wings off butterflies!
Drive big trucks! Use too much gas!
Keep the sick from buying grass!"

Appoint black judges! Women too!
My God! What's next? A freakin' Jew?
Hiring Hispanics left and right!
(Yet still their party's WAY too white!)

"Christian bigots! Muslim haters!
Rob the Irish of their taters!
Gulag runners! Women beaters!
Evil Nazis! Baby eaters!"

"I just want them all to die!
Then they'll go to hell and fry!"
(... deep, cleasing breath...)
Now I'm going home to blog
Vote Democrat in '06 -

Rating: 2.4/5 (34 votes cast)

Comments (25) | Precision Guided Humor Assignments ~ | Songs & Poems
Dick Durbin is a Dick!
Posted by Frank J. at 03:12 PM | Email This

Look at this quote from Senator Dick Durbin on the Senate floor last night:

On one occasion, the air conditioning had been turned down so far and the temperature was so cold in the room, that the barefooted detainee was shaking with cold. ..... On another occasion, the [air conditioner] had been turned off, making the temperature in the unventilated room well over 100 degrees. The detainee was almost unconscious on the floor, with a pile of hair next to him. He had apparently been literally pulling his hair out throughout the night. On another occasion, not only was the temperature unbearably hot, but extremely loud rap music was being played in the room, and had been since the day before, with the detainee chained hand and foot in the fetal position on the tile floor.

If I read this to you and did not tell you that it was an FBI agent describing what Americans had done to prisoners in their control, you would most certainly believe this must have been done by Nazis, Soviets in their gulags, or some mad regime--Pol Pot or others--that had no concern for human beings. Sadly, that is not the case. This was the action of Americans in the treatment of their prisoners.

Yeah, I remember the horror stories of the lack of air conditioning in the Nazi concentration camps (who wants to bet my brother in Iraq is dealing with hotter weather right now in his un-air conditioned tank?). Pol Pot, though, loved to turn up on the AC on his dissenters, that monster! Oh, and then there was the notorious use of the Notorious B.I.G. in the Soviet gulags.

I'm sorry; not only is this nuts for a Senator - a U.S. Senator - to say, but it would even be exceptional on the Democratic Underground. Some Republican Senator needs to show resolve and smack Durbin around the Senate floor until he gets some sense to him. Or we can send him to a gulag in North Korea to listen to rap music in an overly air conditioned room.

(Heard this from Rush Limbaugh who heard it from a caller who heard it from Laura Ingraham; got text from The American Thinker. Why isn't this lunacy getting more press?)

Rating: 2.5/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (36)
Need Money for Marriage!
Posted by Frank J. at 01:06 PM | Email This

Due to popular demand (well, one person asked), the button for giving a gift to the wedding of me to the lovely and talented SarahK is now on the left sidebar.

Rating: 2.1/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Not Kofi!
Posted by Frank J. at 11:45 AM | Email This

No! Now there are new questions about Kofi being involved with bribery because of an e-mail, but I can't believe he could be involved in such things. Yes, his son Kojo is a no goodnik, but I just can't imagine Kofi is corrupt. It would just darken my whole world view.

I new Kofi since I was a kid. We'd always play catch in the park. Also, we did this fun game where he's secretly give me an envelope and then I'd deliver to some men in suits at the other side of the park. And then me, my brother, my sister, and Kofi would play tag. Sometimes Carter would show up, and I'd beat him with a whiffle ball bat until he revealed the nuclear launch codes. He was no longer president, so it was all in good fun.

My Mom didn't like me hanging out with Kofi, but she just worried too much. She didn't know Kofi like I did and how'd he bring boxes of foreign aid over to the park for me and my friends to snack on. Strangely, my dog always growled at Kofi, and she never growled at anyone. "Stop trying to bite Kofi!" I'd have to yell at her. My dad's opinion on the whole matter was that I should fetch him a beer from the fridge.

Anyway, I just can't believe Kofi is corrupt and would abuse his power. Sure, he once strangled a man in front of me, but I'm pretty sure he was a bad man.

Oh, those wistful summer days hanging out in the park with Kofi; I wouldn't trade them for all the oil in the world.

Rating: 2.3/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (6)
The Deadliest Place on Earth
Posted by Frank J. at 10:30 AM | Email This

SarahK and I (who now have season passes to Disney World) had just recently been on that ride the boy died on yesterday. It's a mission to Mars simulator where Gary Sinise of Forest Gump and Apollo 13 fame plays mission control, and, at no point he told me I risked death. I tend to trust him since he plays a no nonsense Marine on CSI: NY. I had fun, but one woman (you go in groups of four) wasn't hitting her buttons at the appropriate moments and risked the entire mission.

After the ride, SarahK felt a bit queasy and had to sit down. To me, it was about as intense as a rocking chair (a good rocking chair).

Anyway, they've already reopened the ride. Maybe the Epcot center can now start selling "I survived Mission: Space" t-shirts.

Oh, and apropos to nothing, you know how they make Mickey the central character of everything at Disney? But, has anyone in the history of time ever said, "Mickey is my favorite Disney character!"? I mean, he has like no defined personality, and even Pluto is at least ten times more interesting.

If one day it's revealed the Mickey is a serial killer, I would not be that surprised. After all this time of seeing him, I know nothing about him and anything is possible with that overgrown mouse.

Rating: 2.1/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (7)
I Read Every One of Your Comments and Don't Charge Anything
Posted by Frank J. at 09:46 AM | Email This

A few notes and asides:

The IMAO Gun Safety Shirt will be shipping soon, so make sure to place your order. Part of all proceeds of all IMAO shirts goes towards the "Not Have Frank J. Horribly in Debt After His Wedding" fund.

If you want a free t-shirt, you're running out of time to enter the podcast contest. Every week, will pick one e-mail to be the winner of a free t-shirt (thanks to ThoseShirts.com for sponsoring this). So send us some good comments or questions to the e-mail in the podcast (and I'm not listing the e-mail address here to keep it from getting spammed).

We're busy at work on the fourth podcast. Please keep giving us constructive criticism as we continue to retool, and vote for us here so we can begin to take over the podcasting world. All you need is a valid e-mail to confirm your vote. You don't want our goon squad to come after you.

Be honorable, ronin.

Rating: 2.0/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (6)
U.S. Senate Apologizes to Dead People for Not Making Murder Illegal Enough
Posted by Harvey at 01:21 AM | Email This

Washington D.C - Senator Mary Landrieu (D - LA) was the proud sponsor of a recently passed non-binding resolution apologizing to victims of lynchings for not passing Federal anti-lynching legislation.

"It's the least we could do," said Sen. Landrieu, "these dead people need to hear that it's the Senate's fault - in a non-binding way, of course - that they're dead. I mean, if killing someone would've broken two laws instead of just one, none of this ever would've happened."

"She sho'nuff got dat right," said James Cameron, an African-American who survived an attempted lynching in 1930. "Dey was gonna hang me between two other colored boys, but den I says to 'em, "Y'all don' wants to be lychin' me! Dem Senators up in Washington, I hear tell dey done passed dem a anti-lynchin' bill! Y'all be breakin' TWO laws if'n ya hangs me!""

Terrified at the prospect, Cameron's attackers let him go.

"Dey was all scared and wettin' dey pants!" chuckled Cameron. "Dey din't knows dat I just be lyin' to 'em to gets 'em to let me go."

"Dumb-ass crackas!"

When asked if the Senate has plans to make future meaningless non-apologies to people for not doing things that wouldn't have made a damn bit of difference anyway, Sen. Landrieu replied with optimism.

"In the future we hope to apologize to Senator Robert Byrd for not passing a law to keep him from getting senile." said Landrieu.

Currently there has been no word on whether the Senate intends to apologize to Michael Moore for letting Twinkies make him fat.

Rating: 2.7/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (30)
June 14, 2005
Don't Forget Carnival of Heh-fulness!
Posted by spacemonkey at 11:53 PM | Email This


Don't forget the next Carnival of Comedy is coming up Thursday! Spacemonkey(I) is(am) hosting this week. Hey! You actually were forgetting about the carnival weren't you? Don't try to deny it. I can sense these things. Oh yes, it's true.

Oh yeah, I think I'm going to treat this weeks entries like a Bonfire. Because no matter how good they are they can't measure up to IMAO level funnyousity. Well, pre-group-blog IMAO anyway. And I can snark. I can be snarky, a snarky monkey.

And a big thanks to Harvey!

While I was at the beach last week getting my neck re-redded, you did a fine job on the carnival. Why, your insta-inspired Carnival of Comedy#7 with punchy, brief descriptions (some were one word or less!) impressed his blenderness into linking to it for the... what? He didn't link? Oh well, you did a fine job, anyway Harvey.


I read the whole thing.


Want more info about the carnival? Go here.

Rating: 2.2/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (4)
Getting The Word Out!
Posted by spacemonkey at 05:34 PM | Email This

A silly dressed man is out spreading the Democratic message ala Governer-Doctor-Loser Howard Dean. I know you're probably thinking he's spreading, um, something smelly, but no it's not any sort of animal leavings.

Click the link if you like, but please, do yourself a favor and check your volume before you click this here link.

ht: My Vast Right Wing Conspiracy.


Rating: 2.5/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Sometimes The Jokes Just Write Themselves
Posted by Scott McCollum at 04:57 PM | Email This

From the AP wires:

"'Food Force' [a new online game funded by the United Nations) puts gamers in command of a crack team from the World Food Program out to help the people of the fictitious island of Sheylan."

Fictitious countries are the only places a corrupt and worthless organization such as the U.N. would be effective in, wouldn't they?

Post your quips in Comments

Rating: 2.2/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (12)
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 03:00 PM | Email This

If Gitmo is closed down, how many limbs has Rumsfeld vowed to rip off of the first reporter he sees?


Rating: 2.5/5 (27 votes cast)

Comments (4) | Fun Trivia
Know Thy Enemy: Amnesty International
Posted by Frank J. at 11:36 AM | Email This

Amnesty International has been pestering the greatest country in the universe - America - for some time, so I sent my crack research staff to find out what they can about that strange organization.



Rating: 2.3/5 (34 votes cast)

Comments (14) | Know Thy Enemy
Take a Look at Yourself in the Mirror
Posted by Frank J. at 09:58 AM | Email This

I guess I should say something about Michael Jackson - and when I say "I guess," that means I could be wrong. I haven't followed all the details as it certainly wasn't my favorite news subject, but it's pretty clear that Jackson is cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. Whether is predlicition for kids is pedophilia of just plain weirdness, I dunno, but it's pretty clear someone didn't smack some sense into him when it could have done some good. I guess the only thing to hope for now is that the people around Michael Jackson will tell him to his face he's a wacko and better change his ways - but I doubt it.

The biggest tragedy here is that this guy is a father. Do those kids even have a chance?

Well, vent in the comments if you feel the need. I'll come up with some funny later today.

UPDATE: Liked a Leno joke I heard today: "The good news is that Michael Jackson was found not guilty on all counts." (mixture of cheers and boos from the audience) "The bad news is he's going to Disney World."

Rating: 2.5/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Happy Blogiversary, Michelle
Posted by Frank J. at 08:37 AM | Email This

Meant to link to this yesterday, but, anyway, Michelle Malkin celebrates one year as a blogger and does a quick year in review. There's a reason she shot up through the ranks so quick, and I'll certainly enjoy reading her blog over this next year.

That reminds me that IMAO turns three in less than a month; I'll have to think of something special...

Rating: 2.4/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (7)
June 13, 2005
Listen to the IMAO Podcast and Win Free Stuff!
Posted by Scott McCollum at 08:30 PM | Email This

Since Frank barely mentioned the fact that you can WIN FREE IMAO GEAR just by listening to the June 13th IMAO Podcast, I want to mention it on the blog and clear up some podcast misconceptions:

1) You don't need an iPod to listen to a podcast
2) The IMAO Podcasts are MP3s that can play on any portable MP3 player
3) Click on http://www.imao.us/podcast/IMAO-June13.mp3 to listen to the podcast on your PC or Mac right now

If you want to win the free IMAO gear, you'll have to listen to the IMAO Podcast...


Rating: 2.4/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Who's nuttier? Tom Cruise or H.G. Wells?
Posted by Scott McCollum at 03:12 PM | Email This

As we endure America's top action figure Tom Cruise's very public Scientology-fueled PR meltdown, let's not forget that he's supposed to be promoting his new movie.

Li'l Tommy's new movie is the second cinematic remake of H.G. Wells' War of the Worlds (unless you count Independence Day which is virtually the same idea). The remake is a major re-write of the original source novel so that Hollywood could pair Cruise with a leading lady that was shorter than he is...

Enough of the short jokes about Li'l Tommy; what's astounding to me is learning that Li'l Tommy's public behavior in 2005 is nothing compared to H.G. Wells' awful behavior in 1905. What's even worse is the fact that I had to learn this fact from a Canadian newspaper.

Rating: 2.1/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (12)
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 03:02 PM | Email This

If Gitmo is closed down, where will all those terrorists go?


Rating: 1.7/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (10) | Fun Trivia
In My World: Democrat Destruction? Bush to the Rescue!
Posted by Frank J. at 12:18 PM | Email This

"Whatcha doing, Rummy?" President Bush asked.

"I'm writing a list of foreign leaders in the order I want them... uh... what's that word we use? Oh yeah... 'regime changed.' What's wrong about the word 'assassinate' anyway?"

"It's got that 'ass' in there and thus just doesn't appeal to people with family values," Bush answered. He then noticed the news playing on a T.V. nearby.

"Howard Dean's recent comments comparing anyone who ever thought of voting Republican to a pedophile have been called divisive by some," said the anchorman, "but Dean's supporters - now in the dozens if you don't include those committed to insane asylums - say he's just given the Democrats the strong voice they need."

"It's like Howard Dean is part of some insidious plot to destroy the Democratic Party," Bush mused. "Hey, Rover, you’re insidious; is this your plot?"

The hooded figure of Karl Rove emerged from the shadows. "I wish I could take credit for such terrible destruction of the enemy, but I had no involvement with this."

"Then it must be someone else insidious!" Bush declared, "I know - Hilary Clinton!"

"That would make no sense," Rove answered, "She needs the Democratic party for her evil, power-grabbing plans."

"Then who else could be behind this?"

"The internet was responsible for a lot of Howard Dean's popularity, and..."

"The internet!" Bush shouted, "I knew it! It's responsible for all the evil in the world. Now I need to get to the bottom of this Dean conspiracy!"

"Actually, the best strategy when your enemy is destroying itself is to stand back," Rove cautioned.

"But if the Democrats completely destroy themselves," Bush replied, "then it will be a one-party system... just like with the Communists. Then I'll be just like Chairman Mao... but I don't want to be Chairman Bush! I like being President Bush."

"I don't believe you're thinking rationally," Rove said.

"Not thinking rationally is what I do best!" Bush declared. "It's time I save the Democrats. You coming along, Rummy?"

"I'm busy, Moron," Donald Rumsfeld replied as he decided where to fit the French names on his list.

"Fine. I'll just drag along Scott as usual. He never has anything to do."

* * * *

"I always have things to do," Scott McClellan whined, "I have to explain to the press why the idiotic things you do are not idiotic."

"And I got a great replacement for you."

* * * *

"A magic eight ball?" exclaimed one of the reporters.

"I have the first question," said another as he picked up the black orb and shook it, "Will Bush agree to closing down Abu Grahib?" He turned the eight ball over and looked at the answer. "No."

"Now me," said yet another reporter as he grabbed the ball. "Will Bush still push for private accounts for Social Security?" He looked at the answer. "'Reply hazy, try again." The reported chucked the eight ball. "Stupid, slippery politicians!"

* * * *

"If we're going to fit in with angry liberals, we should have brought Rumsfeld's angry dog," Bush said. "They'd like him."

"He always bites me," Scott complained.

Bush laughed. "Yeah, that's funny."

"And why do you always get the porn star mustache disguise?"

"Be happy Alberto Gonzales lent you a poncho and sombrero to go with your Mexican mustache," Bush answered, "Now work on your accent while I work on my porn star attitude. We have to completely infiltrate these crazy lefties."

They worked their way into the crowed. "I hate working and like smelling bad," Bush said, introducing himself to one of the crazed liberals.

"Quiet!" he shot back, "Dean is about to speak."

Howard Dean walked out onto the stage, and there was a hushed awe among the crowd. Dean then started pounding the podium like a madman while screaming, "Rergerraw! Cerblergargh! Dean smash! Ragawerghaergh!"

"He says what we think!" squealed a liberal.

"I just want to say that back in the eighties, I voted for Reagan," yelled out one man, "but now I'm back with the Democrats and glad we can have someone who can speak with such energy!"

"He voted for a Republican!" Dean screamed, his face growing red with anger, "We don't want his kind here! Rip him apart! Kill! Kill!"

The other liberals descended on the one man, and blood began to splatter everywhere.

"We better be extra careful at not revealing ourselves, senor," Scott said with great worry.

"Horsefeathers!" Bush exclaimed, "We need to find who is behind Dean!"

"Can't you just accept the fact that he's a loon supported by other loons?" Scott pleaded.

"I never accept facts!" Bush declared. He then pulled off his porn star mustache and faced Dean. "It is I, President Bush, and I demand to know who pulls your strings!"

Dean flailed his hands in the air in rage. "Republican President! Kill! Kill!"

The liberals surrounded Bush and Scott, murder in their eyes. "Looks like we're going to be killed by crazed liberals, amigo," Scott said, "Not the obituary I wanted."

"We're progressives!" one shouted, becoming even more blood-thirsty.

Suddenly, a number of liberals were thrown out of the way. There in their midst now stood Chomps.

"Rumsfeld's dog has come to save us!" Scott exclaimed, "He'll... OW! GET HIM OFF MY LEG!"

"Hah! That's funny!" Bush laughed.

Howard Dean jumped down into the crowd and roared in anger. Chomps then faced him and growled the growl of The Guinness Book of World Record's angriest dog. Then they clashed.

"It’s our time to escape!" Bush said as he ran away.

"Wait for me!" Scott cried, limping.

"Each man for himself!" Bush answered.

"But I have the car keys!"

Bush ran back and put his arm around Scott to help him. He then quickly slipped the keys out of Scott's pocket and ran off again, causing Scott to fall to the ground. "Each man for himself!"

"No pay is worth this," Scott grumbled.

* * * *

Rumsfeld sat in his easy chair and worked on his list of foreign leaders. "So many foreigners who should not breathe our air," Rumsfeld growled.

Chomps came through the dog door and yawned an angry yawn.

"Tired out from kill'n, huh?" Rumsfeld asked.

Chomps curled up and went into an angry sleep.

"Might as well get some rest," Rumsfeld said, putting down his list. "Always more to destroy tomorrow."

Rating: 2.3/5 (27 votes cast)

Comments (12) | In My World
And the Flag Wasn't There
Posted by Frank J. at 09:29 AM | Email This

My elderly neighbors across the street have a corner lot, and they've made good use of it by putting up a flagpole there. The Stars and Stripes are up every morning and down by nightfall. This morning the flag wasn't up. Instead, there was an ambulance in the driveway and men entering the home with a defibrillator. I knew there wasn't anything for me to do, but I just couldn’t head to work until I saw if they were all right. Eventually, the paramedics came out with the husband on a stretcher, and he was sitting up and looking alert, thank God.

Well, Sarah and I will check on the wife after work, but, if you have some time, I'd appreciate if you gave them some prayers. I've talked to them so many times (first time was me walking over to thank the husband for having the flag there and we talked a long time about the military and such), but I've forgotten their names, I'm afraid. Just pray for Frank's neighbors with the flagpole, and I'm sure God will know who you mean.


UPDATE: My neighbor is already back home and seems to be all right. Thanks for all the prayers.

Rating: 1.7/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (15)
Comment on Podcast 3
Posted by Frank J. at 06:55 AM | Email This

Comment here on the new podcast (or e-mail comments and questions in for the new contest). We really need your feedback to keep tuning the podcast until we get it extra-super perfect.

Don't forget to vote for IMAO if you love our podcast (which you will).

If your interested in the blogger phone conference with Bob Geldof, you can find the audio of it here (which includes many and my stunning questions and suggestions near the end of the hour).

Rating: 1.7/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (32)
June 11, 2005
Rush Audio
Posted by Frank J. at 10:38 PM | Email This

For those who weren't listening to Rush Limbaugh Thursday and missed my call, the plan is to incoporate the audio of it into the podcast that will be coming out this Monday.

Also this next week, I have a great IMW boiling in my head and a new Hate-Filled Lefty comic (sure been a while since I've honored you all with my art).

Rating: 2.4/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (22)
Goon Squad: Point of Clarification
Posted by Harvey at 12:16 PM | Email This

When Spacemonkey says you need to vote for the IMAO podcast or the IMAO Goon Squad will get you, you're probably thinking, "Oh, it's just a bunch of large, heavily-muscled men who'll beat the crap out of me. I'm not afraid of pain"

We at IMAO know that.

But we also know that you have... other fears.

Deeper, more primordial fears.

And we're not above using that to our advantage, as you can see in the extended entry...


Rating: 2.6/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (24)
Vote Or The IMAO Goon Squad Will Get You
Posted by spacemonkey at 04:14 AM | Email This

Remember, when I asked nicely for you to vote for the iMao podcast at podcast alley?

Now I must warn you vote at podcast alley or the IMAO goon squad will get you.

Is there really an IMAO goon squad? I wouldn't take the chance if I were you, Mr or Miss (as the case may be) slacker-who-hasn't-yet-voted-for-the-iMao-podcast.

Do yourself a favor, vote. Before I hyphenate again, vote.

Vote while you've still got some unbroken fingers.

Capiche? Do it. Vote.

Rating: 2.8/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (17)
June 10, 2005
Celebrating the Koran's Versatility
Posted by Harvey at 09:51 PM | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

I always knew that Glenn Reynolds was a heartless monster - what with his puppy blending, hobo-killing, satan-worshipping, robot-dancing, commie-lovin', Frank J. punchin', peeing on cats' heads... oh wait... that was Frank... penguin pornography, and lack of linkage to the Carnival of Comedy, even when it has a flattering Instapundit theme - but somehow I never expected him to post a list of ways that he's personally mishandled the Koran.

Just amazing.

I mean, I knew he was a lawyer & everything, but that's just completely soulless.

UPDATE: That link to Instapundit isn't working, so I've put his entire post in the extended entry...


Rating: 2.2/5 (25 votes cast)

Comments (37) | Filthy Lies
Mucus In The News
Posted by spacemonkey at 04:08 PM | Email This

Scientists discover the bottom of the ocean is a gross version of a Jerry Lee Lewis song. I give you the following,

Goodness, gracious great balls of...

Update: Woops, forgot to give ht to Shane at Kudzu who sent me this story of sinking sea snot.

Rating: 2.7/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (11)
Issue 25 - This Is Your Ocean on Drugs
Posted by Aquaman at 11:36 AM | Email This

I rule Sub Diego!.Hello, Aquafans!

It's your favorite man - AQUAMAN!!!

It's time to tell you all about my great adventures in DC Comics. I assume most of you are reading them, not being able to get enough Aquaman, but, in case some are so fool as to miss out on the tales of the world's greatest superhero, I'll brief you on some here.

I'll start with issue number 25 in the current series (the February '05 issue). Part of San Diego has fallen underwater and become Sub Diego. Thanks to my idiot friend Geist, many citizens are now gill-breathers. You'd think I'd be upset that there are now tons of people who can breathe underwater like me, but none of them can return to the surface. Ha!

Plus, they can't talk to fish.

Anyway, as the citizens now under my protection get used to their thrilling new way of life (there is nothing more thrilling than the sea), someone tries to upset things my introducing drugs to my ocean!


Here's the cover marking the beginning of a new series of adventures for me, Aquaman:

Here are some pages from this epic story:


Rating: 2.3/5 (27 votes cast)

Comments (22) | Aqua-Adventures
June 09, 2005
Music in the IMAO Podcast
Posted by Scott McCollum at 05:43 PM | Email This

I privately addressed the issue of why we don't use "public domain" classical music in the IMAO Podcast with one of our listeners that gave us feedback, but I wanted to get everyone on the same page:

Many of you already know that most classical music works by the great composers like Beethoven are in the public domain and therefore do not cost any money for us to use in a non-profit or commercial production.

However, if we used the Fort Worth Symphony Orchestra's rendition of Beethoven's Fifth as the theme music to the IMAO Podcast, we would need to pay the performance fee (called a "royalty") to the Fort Worth Symphony Orchestra for their performance of the song in the public domain.

Just because a song is in the public domain does NOT mean anyone can use it for free. The musicians should and must get their royalties for their contribution. All of the music we use in the IMAO Podcast is "royalty-free."

Some sharp listeners will ask "Did you pay for 'Relax' by Frankie Goes To Hollywood that you used in last week's podcast?" The answer is that by having Sarah sing only a tiny fraction of the original song (along with her own lyrics) and by not using the original recording, IMAO is not required to pay royalties under the Fair Use rules of copyright law. I'm sure there are probably some lawyers at BMI and ASCAP that would split hairs over what is Fair Use...

There's a 99% chance that we'll have new theme music for the June 13 IMAO Podcast, written and performed by a good conservative musician and blogger. More details when they become available.

Thanks for downloading and listening to the IMAO Podcast!

Rating: 3.1/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (15)
I Guess He Needs a Better Call Screener
Posted by Frank J. at 02:16 PM | Email This

Called into The Rush Limbaugh Show and am waiting to go on right now to talk about Bob Geldof...

UPDATE: I guess that was it; well, there I was on Rush's show. Anyway, the audio from the conference call with Bob Gledof is now available, so I recommend checking it out (you get to hear me there too, and not quite as nervous because I had no idea who Geldof was).

UPDATE2: Anyone know how I can get a recording of that for posterity's sake? Someone wouldn't happen to be a Rush 24/7 subscriber and get the podcast, huh?

UPDATE3: Have the call as an mp3 thanks to Master Shake. Will see about making it available for the curious.

Rating: 2.2/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (32)
Open Thread (Just Like on Kos!)
Posted by Frank J. at 01:31 PM | Email This

What are the issues and news items you think we here at IMAO should be covering? We strive to be your one shop stop for all important... the WalMart of the blogododecahedron.

Rating: 2.1/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (24)
"I Want to Thank All You Goobers for Voting Democratic!"
Posted by Frank J. at 11:36 AM | Email This

Since Howard Dean seems so intent on making statements to alienate everyone from the Democrat Party, I thought I'd be my usual helpful self and give him some new statements to help specifically insult everyone and everything:

Stay at Home Moms
"Then there are the few women who vote Republican, pretending that staying home to take care of kids is noble just because they're too dumb to get real jobs."

Gun Owners and Blacks
"The reason Republicans support the NRA is because they desire to be nothing more than gun toting thugs - no offense to the African-American members of the audience who I know only carrry guns because of the harsh reality of gang life."

"The Republicans try to pander to you people with immigrations laws, but we Democrats give you what you really want - burritos and chimichangas. You eato. You el likey very mucho."

"I just want to tell the people of West Virginia not to be threatened by gay marriage. It will open the way to you being able to marry your sisters like you so desire."

Italians and Union Workers
"I can see we have some Italians in the audience. I applaud you for how you use unorthodox methods to keep the unions together, and I know union workers support the mafia and all its activities in return."

The College Educated and Homosexuals
"The Republicans think they are so great, prancing around with their college degrees like a bunch of fags."

"The Republicans are out of touch and out of the mainstream like those freak platypuses that lay eggs when everyone else is having live births."

"They [the Republicans] try to say we're wishy-washy, but they're the ones always changing positions. It's like how a tadpole breathes through gills and then, suddenly, it's a frog breathing through its lungs. Make up your mind, you reject of the animal kingdom!"

Noble Gases
"Republicans just won't work with anyone; they're like how Argon won't chemically combine with anything else. Can that be anymore useless?"

"Those Republicans just can't get anything right! They mess things up more because they just don't really care! It's like whoever made the ratio of the circumference of a circle to its diameter equal 3.14 something. If He just put more time into it, it could equal exactly three, but He didn't care!"

Rational People

Rating: 2.2/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (19)
Pearls Before Swine
Posted by Frank J. at 09:59 AM | Email This

This is funny. A poster on DU starts talking sense about the idiocy of Dean, and everyone else freaks out.

Sometimes I really wonder who are these people that make up DU and how representative they are of the Democratic base. They keep running as fast as they can into brick walls, telling themselves how great their strategy is. If this is the competition for 2006, expect the Democrats to be extinct by 2008.

We need to stuff one for the Smithsonian Museum of Natural History.

Rating: 2.3/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (18)
Carnival of Comedy #7
Posted by Harvey at 09:02 AM | Email This

Ever since I was a tiny Blogspotling, I've quested for the secret of blogospheric domination. Having studied Instapundit - the unquestioned overlord of the blogiverse since time immemorial - I think I have discovered that secret:

Minimal commentary
Judicious application of trendy buzzwords, such as "Hmmm", "Heh", and "Indeed".

Brevity. Hmmm.

[NOTE - posts which include words or images that might make sensitive people feel squirmy will be marked with an "S"]

Two Dogs - Mean Ol' Meany - Mean Ol' Meany's Relationship Help-Line

Blacksploitacious. Indeed.

Senator Walters - The Stall Street Journal - Lately Fashionable.

Superannuated. Heh.

NOTR - ROFASix - Cessna Attack on DC - A Cessna Pilot's Perspective

Avionic. Heh.

Charles Jordan - [blogless] - Original Jokes:

They say that being dominated by a woman is one of a terrorist's worst fears. I say if it's good enough for John Kerry, it's good enough for a terrorist!

I saw the pictures of the male Iraqi prisoners naked and stacked in a human pyramid. I suppose that's called abuse in Baghdad but in San Francisco that's called a successful party!

I saw on the news that Ted Kennedy was upset because he was inadvertantly put on the Homeland Security "No Fly" list. Homeland Security corrected the error by putting him on the "No Drive" list.

Having John McCain in the Republican party is like having a bisexual roommate. You never know who he's going to be in bed with.

I'm tired of hearing about the terrorist prisoners in Iraq humiliated by being made to wear women's underwear. Hell, most of the democrats in congress wear women's underwear and they're not humiliated!

Conservative women are always more appealing than liberal women. Liberal women can be picked up on any street corner.

Unlinkable. Hmmm.

The Evil Emperor Mindstation - Point Five - Point Five Exclusive: Zarqawi Get Well Card Intercepted

Capraphilia. Heh.

Patriot Xeno - Right Hand of God - RHOG Votes No to EU Constitution

Plebiscitary. Heh.

Hatless in Hattiesburg - Hatless in Hattiesburg - Test

Toned. Hmmm.

[S] GC - Big [S] and [S] - ¡El cielo ha caido! (The heavens have fallen!)

Precipitated. Indeed.

Ironman - Political Calculations - A Memo From Management

Catbertesque. Heh.

[S] Chuck - From My Position... On The Way! - Top 5 dumb things I did this week

Educable. Heh.

Sen Marcellus - The Walloper - The Virgin Mary

Fenestrated. Indeed.

Citizen Grim - Right Hand of God - French Soldier's Survival Kit

Capitulards! Heh.

Michael Higgins - Chocolate and Gold Coins - Self-Help Guru Advises Us to Ignore the Experts

Antinomial. Hmmm.

[S] El Capitan - Baboon Pirates - The Great Cat Treat Challenge

Indigestable. Heh.

[S] Jason Pomerantz - Fiddle and Burn - The Laptop

Unillustrated. Hmmm.

Don - Zap*Germs - Not Making This Up: CDC Investigates an "Outbreak of Obesity" - in West Virginia

Megatumescent. Hmmm.

Buckley F. Williams - The Nose On Your Face - Top 9 Suggested Ann Coulter Book Titles

Pseudobibliophilic. Heh.

David - Third World County - Golly, another one-a those WoW "Huh?" words

Acculturation. Heh.

Jim McCarthy - Letters From California - Letter from California-June 5, 2005

Ignominiously. Indeed.

Odiwan - Irritation Station - Going to the Movies

Incommodious. Heh.

[S] Elyas - Ablogistan - Adventures of Acinom #4: Barbershops and Purple Hearts

Depilatory. Heh.

Nickie Goomba - Nickie Goomba - U.S. Describes Even More Cases Of Koran Mishandling

Impiety. Indeed.

a4g - Point Five - Inmates Await Michael Jackson Verdict

"Deliverance". Heh.

Tommy - Striving For Average - Swimming: If you are going to go

Aquaman? Hmmm.

GEBIV - There's One, Only! - Yeee Haw!

Interplanetary. Heh.

Mad House Madman - Chronicles of a Medical Mad House - Recommendations

Vulnerary. Hmmm.

Simon P. Chappell - Upright and Breathing - Funny thread on the Struts mailing list

SuperUberHypergeekdom. Hmmm.

Adam - Government Cheese - How Do You Think Mark Felt?

Deeper. Indeed.

[S] Chuck - You Big Mouth, You! - Norman Mailer

Cirrhosisisms. Heh.

Pluto's Dad - Eye On The Ball News - McCain Compromise: Wilford Brimley to Replace Bolton

Fungible. Indeed.

[S] Kim Chong-il - Beloved Leader - Korean Word of the Week 05.06.01

Gwiyopda. Indeed.

Hans Mast - The (not so) Daily Me - Great Parody Site!

Misrepresentational. Hmmm.

[S] Ellison - Blog d'Ellison - ACCUMULATION

Avaricious. Heh.

Senator Walters - The Stall Street Journal - Shaving Face

Hirsute. Heh.

JimmyB - The Conservative UAW Guy - It's like the A-List, but different. The Gay-List!!

Multiloquent. Indeed.

Ferdinand T. Cat - Conservative Cat - CSI Schaumburg - Teaser for Episode 36, "It Takes a Village"

Veracious. Heh.

Will Franklin - WILLisms - Trivia Tidbit Of The Day: Part 69.

Bluestockings. Hmmm.

Lana - Live From the Guillotine - The Book Meme

Bubbleheadisms. Heh.

Dana - Northshore Politics - I wonder how you would fix 'em?

Huevos. Indeed.

Kim - Ramble Strip - Tom Cruise is still nuts, I may be starting to panic, and Discoman is trademarked throughout in an attempt to be funny by overusing the TM symbol

Eclectic. Hmmm.

Doc Rampage - Doc Rampage - deep sigh

Ennui. Indeed.

Chad Hamilton - PlaidBerry - Top Ten Excuses For John Kerry's Bad Grades

Flop. Heh.

If you spot a typo or a broken permalink, pipe up in the comments.


And if you want to catch up with past editions, see the Carnival of Comedy page.


Rating: 2.7/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (7)
June 08, 2005
Top Secret Information!!
Posted by RightWingDuck at 09:40 PM | Email This

In Lodi, California, a father and son were arrested. The son had spent a summer in a terrorist training camp in Pakistan.

IMAO has obtained exclusive "real news" stuff. (Fake but accurate)

Here for your viewing is the key piece of evidence found by the FBI. A letter sent home by the son.

For some reason, it makes me sing a little tune in my head.


Rating: 2.7/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (20)
Question of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 03:05 PM | Email This

Did Kerry stall on releasing his military record because he was afraid he'd lose his intellectual status when people saw his grades at Yale, because his college picture make him looked like a stoned Lurch, or because of something more nefarious?

I'm not much of a conspiracy theorist, so I'm going to say it's a combination of the first two.

What do you think?

Rating: 2.4/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (16)
One Day We'll Remember the Scream as the High Point of His Career
Posted by Frank J. at 01:08 PM | Email This

So Howard Dean insults white Christians (which, he at least pretended to be before a dispute on bike trails), has insulted anyone who votes Republican, southerners in general, and insulted minorites (the hotel staff remark, if you remember). An interesting question is, if Dean is as efficient as possible, how many more statements will it take to alienate absolutely everyone in America?

I remember the blogosphere had a lot to do with getting Howard Dean to be chair of the DNC; I forget whether it was the right or the left side, though.

Rating: 2.3/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (14)
Self-Desecrating Koran Offers Convenience, Sparks Riots
Posted by Harvey at 11:40 AM | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

If the Democratic Underground can have little wet dreams about life in 2006 ("GOP Swept from Power in 2006; Impeachment Looms"), figure it's only fair that other people are allowed to indulge.

Like me.

Self-Desecrating Koran Offers Convenience, Sparks Riots

Looking to cause havoc in you detention facility but can't trick your infidel guard into mishandling your holy book? The Jersey City based company "Desecrated Incorporated" has the answer to all five of your daily prayers.

"Although Muslims will riot at the drop of a hat," said Marketing Director Sam Snead, "they prefer a more provocative excuse, like the drop of a Koran. That's why we've created Korans that will give the appearance of being defiled without actually being touched. So when a guard approaches, all the detainee has to do is activate the easily-hidden remote control, and POOF! International incident."

"There are several models to choose from," explained Snead. "Our most popular is the Whoopsie Wayward Walker. It has little mechanical feet that spring out, enabling it to "walk" off a table and onto the floor. For added effect, another touch of the remote will make a kick-dent appear in the book's spine."

"Then there's our "magic ink" models. When activated, "stains" will appear on the pages to simulate either water damage, dirty fingerprints, a coffe-cup ring, or wind-splattered urine. Pretty hard for the guards to talk their way out of it when you have the proof in your non-kafir hand."

"We're looking to add a poo-stain version this summer," continued Snead, "but we're having a little trouble getting the smell right. Scratch & sniff is a tricky medium to work with."

Also in the works is a self-flushing model.

"It's the ultimate convenience" said Snead. "moisture sensors in the cover automatically guide the book directly into the toilet, and a tiny, water-activated motor propels it down the bowl and into the waste pipe."

"Plus the quick-dissolving paper is completely septic-safe!"

Muslims the world over rioted outside stores selling the special Korans, fighting amongst themselves to be the first one on their block to own a copy.

Said one unidentified rioter, "Only twenty bucks for an excuse to riot AND I get to blame the infidels for causing it? Hell, I'm gonna sell my wife and buy a CASE of these things! I love it! ULULULULULULULULU!!!"

Rating: 2.1/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (7) | Precision Guided Humor Assignments
Can Young Brian Find the Joke?
Posted by Frank J. at 11:09 AM | Email This

I got some hate mail yesterday from one Brian who was unable to find the joke. I responded politely, and then he came back at me with this:

> LOL! What prompted this one? We're you molested as a kid?

I guess it's all the tough guy posturing with a gun. That coupled with your scrawny frame looks like a classic wimp complex. I could be wrong but, I doubt it.

>If anything at IMAO does not meet your standards, you can send it back for
>a full refund

Ok, you owe me seven minutes of dsl time.


Now we're getting off topic. I tried a little harder to be helpful this time:

Thank you for your frankness, but I assure you I have an "efficiently compact" frame, and not a "scrawny" one. Anyway, not to sound homophobic, but this focus on my body by another guy is creeping me out a bit.

As for the gun posturing, it is natural to posture when one has guns. If it frightens you, I assure you that statistics show that one is more likely to be stuck by lightning than shot by me (of course, the probably of both of those rise significantly if you live in Florida).

As for owing you for seven minutes of DSL time, I assume you are kidding. The issue of finding the joke as was the focus of your previous e-mail must be of great concern to you to take the time to write me an e-mail. Of more concern is the value of my time, but I still don't charge for responding to e-mails and always like to help one in need. I gather from these two e-mails that you are probably about eleven years old, not given much attention from your parents, and looking for a father figure (I could be wrong, but I doubt it). While I can't be that father figure you desperately need, young Brian (understand, I have a busy schedule), I can help you find the joke you seek.

I must ask some questions to find where you went awry. Where did you look for the joke? We're you of full cognitive facilities when you looked (i.e., not under the influence of drugs)? Most importantly, when you were looking for the joke, was your head inside or outside of your own ass?

I know you can find the joke, young Brian. Just keep reaching for that rainbow.

Frank J.

He's already answered with a much longer e-mail, really trying to get under my skin this time. It's funnier when they try. We'll try to see how long Brian can give us free amusement.

Rating: 1.8/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (46) | I Hate Frank
Now We Know
Posted by Frank J. at 08:32 AM | Email This

"Senator Kerry, you finally released your military records. How did it go?"

"The worst day of my life, what do you think? Ugh! Idiot!"

Man, just think if that was released during the campaign:

I'm President George Bush, and I approve this photo.

Not only did I do marginally better than my opponent in college, but girls did not run away screaming when they saw me.

Rating: 2.7/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (26)
June 07, 2005
Me as a Kid Could Beat Up You as a Kid
Posted by Frank J. at 03:08 PM | Email This

So here I am, minding my own business, and I get this e-mail:

Umm... I'm just wondering.. when does the funny start?

Or... am I missing a joke somewhere?


P.S. You got beat up a lot as a kid didn't you?

I've grown a lot in popularity since I started blogging, but the hate mail has failed to match it. That's actually the best I've gotten in months. Did what I could to work with it and responded thusly:

LOL! What prompted this one? We're you molested as a kid?

IMAO stands by its near three year history of humor excellence. If anything at IMAO does not meet your standards, you can send it back for a full refund (except for t-shirts).

Good day and better luck on finding the joke.

-Frank J.

Beaten up as a kid? You’re talking to Frank J., here. Like I'd put up with such rubbish at any age. As my father always told me when I was young:

"If another kid hits you, hit him back. Or, if someone looks at you funny, hit him. Plus, if you're bored, might as well hit somebody. Also, if some kid bothers you while you're in the middle of watching a football game, hit him just like I'm about to hit you."

UPDATE: He's already responded. No reference to lyrics from Rage Against the Machine, but I'll do my best to work my magic on it.

Rating: 2.5/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (19) | I Hate Frank
You Talking to Hsi?
Posted by Frank J. at 12:39 PM | Email This

The North Koreans keep resisting six-party talks. There must be some way to get Kim Jong Il to agree to them. I thought of a number of ideas myself, and they just happened to be ten in number so...


10. Have Bush stop referring to Kim Jong Il as "Poofy Goofy."

9. Have talks in Korean instead of the customary ancient Aramaic.

8. Make sure there is free pizza, because I know from experience at college that conferences are more likely to have people show up if there is free pizza.

7. Advertise event as "Disarmament Talks and Karaoke Contest."

6. Chain Donald Rumsfeld to a radiator to lessen the chance of him fulfilling his vow that he'll "squeeze the neck of the poofy-haired one until he is dead."

5. Have the Japanese bring to the talks some of those overly violent, porn-filled cartoons they're so famous for. Everyone loves those.

4. Special deal this time only - make three concessions, get one free!

3. Have some people there for Kim Jong Il to oppress (maybe some Democrats from Congress) so he'll feel more at home.

2. Promise Kim Jong Il that we won't invade his country while he's temporarily away.

And the number one way to get North Korea to resume talks…


Rating: 2.7/5 (24 votes cast)

Comments (7)
Please Hurt Our Feelings
Posted by Frank J. at 10:40 AM | Email This

Right now my mind is divided between trying to figure out how to make a better podcast and how to save Africa. All that, and I ended up late to work. Well, I think I have the Africa issue solved as well as possible right now, so I need your help on the podcast.

Yeah? Well, what do I get for helping you?

You get more free funny, and even funnier funny. The plan is to do a lot (and I mean a lot) of cutting for the next podcast to make it shorter and more streamlined, but I want to do my best not to throw the wheat out with the chaff. Thus, I need constructive criticism on the first two podcasts. What worked? What didn't work? Where was it too slow? I especially want focus on the little things - little things that bothered you and the little things that made you laugh - because the little things make the biggest difference.

We here at IMAO believe podcasting is the further evolution of blogging, but we need your help to evolve better than the others so that we can smash in their Neanderthal skulls if necessary. You are all honorable ronin, and we thank you in advance for your help and support.

Rating: 2.2/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (33)
Vote Or Diet
Posted by spacemonkey at 02:15 AM | Email This

Hmm, this Podcast thing is really taking off around here.

I'm guessing here that you are wondering right now how you can show some support for the IMAO podcast. No? Well you are now, right? RIGHT!

You know you want to show your support for the iMao podcast, don't you?

Sure you do! That's why you'll vote for us at podcast alley and also at podcast pickle (tis on the right, scroll down a bit, brother) and show how you think the IMAO Podcast is extra super happy #1 fun show and how you love us Frank, you really, really love us Frank.

Voting is so totally cool*, everybody is doing it. So c'mon, vote! What are you, chicken?
Oh and the whole diet thing in the title was just an empty threat. I'm sure your personal body image has no bearing on whether you vote or not. Tubby.

*I was going to say 'totally hitler' but you know, that would be so y'know, totally unhitler to say so.

Updates below the fold


Rating: 2.4/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (12)
June 06, 2005
Links of the Day
Posted by sarahk at 11:05 PM | Email This

John Hawkins has an interview with syndicated columnist Jack Kelly.

Straight from the war in Iraq, Ma Deuce Gunner has a very sad account of why it is good for our warriors to kill terrorists. Because terrorists suck.

Carnival of Cordite #16 is up over at Gullyborg's place. And there's a really cool t-shirt featured.

And for the ladies (and men who understand that it's manly to cook), Carnival of the Recipes #42 is at Conservative Friends this week.

Rating: 2.3/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (3)
Carnival of Comedy Reminder- Now With Improved Graphic!
Posted by spacemonkey at 08:46 PM | Email This


Don't forget the Carnival of Comedy is coming up Thursday! Harvey is hosting this week while I'm at the beach with my family. Thanks Harvey! So, try not to send in a bunch of stinkers, everybody!

Thanks to RightWingDuck, last weeks Carnival of Comedy was a smashing success and the smashing was mostly around Duck's head. So, thanks Ducky!

The observant among you will notice that cadet happy has dressed up Uncle Sam in some IMAO approved duds. MUUUCH more patriotic I think. Nice work cadet happy!

Want more info about the carnival? Go here.

Rating: 2.0/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (3)
Tens of Thousands Dead a Day
Posted by Frank J. at 03:01 PM | Email This

When I was invited to a blogger conference call about Live 8, I was a little surprised. I do not make much effort here to be taken seriously.

Skepticism came next, as the main goal of Live 8 is to end poverty in Africa, to which I was like, "Well, why don't we create world peace while we're at it?" I saw on the Live 8 website that all the rockers who love trendy causes were involved (including SarahK’s favorite, Dave Matthews), thus further increasing skepticism. Then I saw what was stated as the goals for Live 8, which is doubling aid, fully canceling debt, and delivering trade justice for Africa. I wasn't so sure about the first two, and didn't know what the last one meant (all I know is it made me further suspicious).

Still, I was invited by John Hinderaker of Power Line who was organizing this blog arm of Live 8 along with Joe Trippi, and I thought it was certainly worth a listen. It ends up that Bob Geldof, the organizer or Live 8, has a real plan for tackling poverty in Africa (real, in that it involved free trade and competition in parts of it) and hopes the blogosphere can use some of its influence in pushing towards the means needed for the end. The conference call should be up as a podcast a little later, and I'll urge you all to listen to it. I hope to get you more information soon (that was my main suggestion during the conference call was to have a place to link to where things are explained as well as Sir Geldof explained them himself), and, perhaps, you'll see more of the blogosphere talking about this.

There's certainly no other continent more in need of help than Africa, and it's nice to at least think we can do something for the people there.

UPDATE: Here's more from John Hinderaker of Power Line.

UPDATE 2: Citizen Smash has a great roundup with links to reactions from other bloggers (I wasn't sure who was in on the conference call since not everyone spoke).

BTW, only time I chuckled when being compared to a hippy.

Rating: 1.8/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (10)
In My World: Murderousness
Posted by Frank J. at 11:51 AM | Email This

"I hit the chandelier! That's a homerun!" Bush exclaimed as he ran to touch the chairs that marked the bases.

"Tourists!" Alberto Gonzales yelled, and everyone quickly ran to the sides as a tour group walked by.

"Game on!" Bush shouted when the tourists had passed by.

"Yay! I'm at bat!" Scott McClellan smiled as he picked up the stick.

"It's Scott," Alberto said, "Everyone move in closer."

Before Condi could pitch, Laura Bush walked by. "Are you playing stickball in the White House again?" she screamed.

"Uh... no," Bush said meekly.

"Well, I see a stick and a ball," Laura said as she collected them. "Now I better not see you do this again or I'll ground you to the Oval Office."

After Laura walked off, Cheney came running over. "Amnesty International compared our Guantanamo Bay facility to a gulag!" he yelled angrily.

"Rarr!" Rumsfeld shouted as he burst through the wall, "Death to those who slander us!"

"That's crazy!" Bush exclaimed, "The Soviets never had the technology to accurately shock terrorist gonads like we can today. Plus, didn't gulags involve forced labor? The only thing these terrorists know how to make is bombs, and we can make those better ourselves. We need to come out forcefully against Amnesty International on this."

"I can hold a press conference on this and..." Scott started to say, but Rumsfeld grabbed him.

"Rarr!" Rumsfeld yelled as he threw Scott through a closed window, "Talking is for sissies! Murderous action is called for!"

"Well, you are my trusted adviser, Rummy," Bush said, "Plus, I'm quite scared of you hurting me. Let's go with your plan."

"I'll come," Cheney declared, "Doctor said murderousness is good for my heart."

"How about you, Mexican Attorney General?" Bush asked Alberto.

"I already get to stab and beat people enough in my current job," he answered, "I'm going to take a siesta now."

"Can I come?" Condi asked hopefully.

"No, you're Secretary of State and a girl," Bush replied, "Go do something diplomatic." Bush, Rumsfeld, and Cheney then walked off, all shouting, "No amnesty for Amnesty International!"

"Aww," Condi whined, "I never get to have any fun since I've become Secretary of State."

* * * *

"It's been decided that Belgium serves the U.S. no useful purpose," Condi told the Belgium ambassador, "Thus I'm free to beat you with this stapler."

"Not a Swingline!"

Laura burst into the room. "Dr. Rice, have you seen my husband?"

Condi put the stapler back on the table as the ambassador fled. "He was headed to the Amnesty International headquarters."

"Was there murder in his eyes?" Laura asked suspiciously.

"Pretty much."

Laura shook her fist. "I told him no more murderousness! He's going to get such a talking to when he gets home!"

* * * *

"Political dissidents imprisoned and beaten in Cuba," the head of Amnesty International read aloud. He then tossed the memo away. "Boring!"

"Forced abortions and people executed for their religion in China." He tossed the memo. "Who cares?"

"Massive starvation and human rights abuse in North Korea." The memo was tossed. "Yawn."

He looked at the next memo. "And this is just more hooey about oppression in the Middle East."

The head of Amnesty International then spotted a memo that interested him. "A Koran was kicked by a prison guard at Guantanamo Bay!" He rose from his seat. "Mobilize all our forces! We must get justice for this!"

"The President, Vice President, and Secretary of Defense are here to see you," said the secretary over the intercom, "Oh, and there appears to be murder in their eyes."

"Don't let them in!"

The doors burst open, and there stood Bush, Cheney, and Rumsfeld. Two aides approached them, but Rumsfeld swatted them aside.

"If you do anything to me," the head of Amnesty International shouted, "All major news outlets will hear of it!"

"That's the plan!" Rumsfeld growled, "I want everyone to know of the suffering of those who slander us! Your entrails will dangle for all to see!"

Rumsfeld approached the man with hands ready to rip him apart, but Bush grabbed Rumsfeld by the shoulder to stop him. "Actually, I have a better idea than murder."

"No murder!" Rumsfeld exclaimed, "Are you becoming a fruit on me?"

"No, this is a good idea," Bush smiled.

* * * *

"Where are we?" the head of Amnesty International asked his aides.

"You are in Siberia," answered a Russian voice, "You now take hammers and break down those large rocks over there."

"But we're cold!"

"Then I beat you with club until you are warm! Now break rocks!"

* * * *

When Bush arrived back at the White House, Laura was waiting with an angry glare. "We're you involved in more murderousness?" she accused.

"No, I came up with a non-murdering idea to deal with Amnesty International," Bush said proudly, "I remembered that Putin is evil and probably reopened the gulags. Thus, I had the people from Amnesty International shipped to Siberia. If they survive, they'll have to admit that Gitmo isn't as bad as a gulag."

"That's very clever of you," Laura said, "I'm quite proud."

"Then can you take my stick and ball off the top of the fridge and give them back?"


Rating: 2.2/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (14) | In My World
Remembering D-Day
Posted by Scott McCollum at 10:46 AM | Email This

My mother's father, Leroy Rogers, was a teenager in 1944 when he and the rest of his squad of U.S. Army Rangers climbed up the cliffs of Point du Hoc on D-Day. I was close to 30 when I stood on those same cliffs almost 60 years later with my wife; unable to comprehend the guts it must've taken for my grandfather to scale these cliffs on that fateful day. He was a heckuva guy.

Everyone always says: "See Saving Private Ryan to see what it was like at D-Day" but I'm not thrilled about that version ever since I heard that Spielberg changed the original script from the Point du Hoc to a beach landing because he didn't think crawling up a cliff while Nazis were shooting at you and tossing grenades on your head "wasn't dramatic enough."

Loser; and your remake of War of the Worlds is gonna suck.

If you want to know more about D-Day and the Rangers at Point du Hoc, see R. Lee Ermey's D-Day Special today on Mail Call on The History Channel or buy the DVD. The Gunny does a great job in that episode of Mail Call and I've met the man and know he sincerely loves the U.S. and our Armed Forces.

Unlike Steven Spielberg...

Rating: 2.2/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (23)
2nd Podcast Feedback
Posted by Frank J. at 10:44 AM | Email This

Tell us what you think about the new podcast here, or send an e-mail to the address mentioned at the end of the podcast to hear your letter read on the air.

Rating: 2.1/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (26)
June 04, 2005
Pacific Time Zone Birthday Greetings for Frank J.
Posted by Scott McCollum at 02:14 PM | Email This

I'm just now dragging out of bed after a late night in deepest, trendiest Seattle with the wife and the always lucid uberblogger Homocon. The wife and I got to meet Homocon for dinner and drinks with his partner. I guess those guys must be in business together writing blogs...

...anyway, the four of us were so busy eating, drinking (well, those guys were doing the drinking because the wife and I don't drink; fortunately this bistro did have a section at the bar for me to sniff my model airplane glue), and mocking the limo lefties populating the restaurant that the time got away from us.

"Dude! I just realized something," I told Homocon as were getting into our cars at the end of the night. "It's after midnight and now it's Frank J.'s birthday. We ought to call him to say happy birthday."

Homocon checked his watch. "Yeah, but I thought you said that Frank lives in Florida." He raised an eyebrow and tilted his head disapprovingly. "Won't it be a little late to call him right now?"

That potentially good point was dismissed because I was already dialing my phone. On the eighth ring, I offered up some shaky justification to Homocon and the other three people in our party who were now glaring at me in the parking lot. "I'm pretty sure Frank said he was born in California, so it makes more sense to call him after midnight Pacific Time."

On the seventeenth ring, Frank picked up the phone and slurred "Oh God, who died Ma?" immediately followed by the sound of Sarah screaming at Frank for taking the Lord's name in vain.

"What up, my dawg?" I yelled into the phone. "¡Felíz cumpleaños, primo! Y'all celebrating yet? We are here on the Left Coast. Lemme hand the phone over to kick ass blogger that wants to wish you a happy birthday..." I held my mobile phone out to Homocon, whose eyes widened as he vigorously shook his head.

"Who the hell is this?" the tinny voice of Frank asked through my mobile phone, followed by the sound of Sarah beating him for swearing.

Homocon took the phone out of my hand: "Sorry, wrong number," he said and threw the phone back to me. "You might want to wait a few days before you talk to Frank again."

Homocon shook my hand and gave my wife a little hug before getting into their car. Before getting into the driver's seat of their car, Homocon's partner shook hands with me and said: "You know, if you write about this on the blog you'll probably get death threats."

Ah, truer words!

Rating: 2.0/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (7)
jailbait no more?
Posted by Cadet Happy at 10:51 AM | Email This

Happy birthday to Frank! Sarah can finally kiss him goodnight without risking an 18 month stint in the Brevard County Correctional Institution.

Rating: 2.7/5 (25 votes cast)

Comments (12) | ignis fatuous
June 03, 2005
What IS Glenn Reynolds Eating?
Posted by Harvey at 03:04 PM | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

So I'm paging through Instapundit recently, and I see a picture of him eating "strawberry pie".

glenn pie.jpg

And I'm thinking to myself... wait... pie isn't part of Evil Glenn's regular diet

So I gave the picture a thorough checking out and noticed that he'd photoshopped it a bit. Without his editing, it looks like this:

glenn pie2.JPG

Which just looks... odd.

So I zoomed in, cleaned it up, and here's a tight shot of that pie (in the extended entry)...


Rating: 2.1/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Be the Most Informative Person at the Range
Posted by Frank J. at 01:51 PM | Email This

Know what it's time for?


Rating: 2.0/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (12)
Top 10 Almost Useless GREAT Things That I've Learned About Frank J.
Posted by spacemonkey at 12:15 PM | Email This

In light of his birthday and his prompting I have composed a Top 10 list of almost useless GREAT things that I've learned about Frank J.

10. Frank J. likes to release a t-shirt on every noteworthy occasion. Case in point, the "Know Thy Enemy: Inlaws" Pocket T that he plans to wear at his wedding so he can promote it using the wedding photos.

9 Frank owns, and uses guns for defense but prefers the 'personal touch' of an edged or blunt weapon for making attacks on his enemies. An elegant weapon from a more civilized time or something to that effect, plus a beat down takes a longer to apply than a simple shooting.

8. Frank J. has pants legs sewn onto some of his sleeves, so he can keep a katana or a long stick concealed. He says these are not 'in case of attack' rather they are 'in case I attack'.

7 Frank J. was frightened by something smelly, hairy, stupid and dirty when he was just a little ronin. He isn't sure if it was a Frenchman, a hippy or a monkey so... he's devoted his life to eradicating all three.

6. Frank J. loves the smell of napalm - any time of day, not just in the morning. But he says it smells like money, which smells better than victory any day of the week.

5. When Frank J. is about to attack, he gets this eerily calm look about him and then he softly utters the word 'pancakes.'

4. Frank J. doesn't fear change, he embraces it. In fact he does this funny little dance/song while he embraces it whenever he finds some.

3. Frank J.'s idea of supporting multicutural diversity means mercilessly beating foreigners with a stick which was grown in their home country. He always asks and if he doesn't have the appropriate stick up his large sleeves, he'll calmly get their contact information and put them on his 'To Beat' list, till he has the stick and can beat them in a proper multicuturally diverse and supportive manner.

2. Frank J. has a large and growing collection of imported sticks.

And the number one almost useless GREAT thing that I've learned about Frank J...


Rating: 1.8/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (7)
Wedding Gifts
Posted by Frank J. at 11:59 AM | Email This

It has come to my attention that getting married is expensive. Since some readers have asked where SarahK and I are registered, I'm instead putting up this PayPal link so you can send us a cash wedding gift and help us start our new life with not so much debt.

Now, we're not poor or anything or about to go bankrupt, so only think of this as a gift if you like me and SarahK (or just one of us).

Thank you. If it weren't for my readers' support, I never would have met my lovely SarahK.

Rating: 2.7/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Blogs and the FEC
Posted by Frank J. at 11:58 AM | Email This

As you may know by now, blogs will possibly face FEC regulations. If you want my opinion on that, I think...


Hi, I'm your local FEC rep, and there has been a lot of fear of the FEC strong-arming blogs. To allay those fears, I have erased the misinformation this blogger was about to post and taken over his site. Frank J. is currently getting a personal education on the new rules about blogging. Also, I would like to say that he had many bruises from cudgel blows before he came here, and he is lying if he says otherwise.

As for all you, you can read this post to find the new rules. What we simply want from bloggers is disclosure. This adds to free speech, because, not only do you get the blogger's normal free speech, but you also get mandatory speech about his funding you wouldn't get otherwise. See? FEC regulation means even more speech!

Also, to help ensure blogs are not subversive agents using their political influence to get around campaign finance laws, we will recommend that this humor blog stick to topics that aren't political. One example would be to have jokes like:

Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. To get to the other side.

Now that's funny and has no political implications - as long as no specific government funded road is mentioned.

Then again, the chicken could be symbolic of some political figure, something we, the FEC, will keep a shrewd eye for.

Come to think of it, the safest thing is to not post at all. This brings the least probability of FEC agents breaking into your house at night and murdering your family for breaking campaign finance laws.

It is the position of the FEC that free speech is a sacred thing, and, like most sacred things, it should be locked away somewhere secure and not worn out from use.

We now return Frank J. to blog within the guidelines given to him.

Uh, hey, it's Frank J. again. I would just like to say how much IMAO loves and supports the FEC. Yay, FEC.

I'm going to go lie down now.

Rating: 2.3/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (7)
An Ode
Posted by RightWingDuck at 11:12 AM | Email This

An Ode to Frank J

By RightWingDuck

Because Frank told him to write it...

An Ode To Frank J On His Birthday...

What's makes Frank J. so great?
Some say humor. Some say hate.
He met Sarah, and got a date
He's twenty six, that's not too late.

What else do I like about IMAO?
So many things, you know?

Hate filled lefty, butt so whupped
United Nations funny quips
Know thy Enemies, there are so many
Buy his t-shirts he needs money!

Let's not forget the In My World
I'm sure you'll cry, you'll laugh, you'll hurl.

What makes Frankie J so fun?
It helps that he "ain't getting none"
He keeps his focus and makes the funny
cranks out jokes, and makes some money

He keeps his viewpoints finely tuned
Wants Michael Moore dead, or harpooned
Wants Howard Dean to keep on talking
Wants John McCain to keep on walking

Needs more words from John F. Kerry
Wants more laws on concealed carry

In short.

You'll laugh until your body hurts
please remember
buy his shirts.

Thank You.

Happy Birthday Frank J.

Rating: 2.0/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (4)
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 09:41 AM | Email This

Who is smarter: Frank J. or Einstein?


Rating: 2.5/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Fun Trivia
So Begins the 27th Year of the Age of Frank
Posted by Frank J. at 09:39 AM | Email This

Well, I actually turn 26 tomorrow, but you can celebrate my birthday today! First, everyone post in the comments section here about how great I am, and I order all the other IMAO bloggers to write a post about my greatness.

Later, there will be an unveiling of a special surprise! Hooray!

Rating: 2.5/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (31)
June 02, 2005
B-Day and Podcasts
Posted by Frank J. at 03:17 PM | Email This

As everyone knows, the occasion of my birthday is Saturday on which I will become an age twice a prime number - something that won't happen again for eight more years (MATH QUESTION: Does that leave a finite possibility for my age, or are there an infinite number of answers - disregarding what is considered to be a normal human life span and the best guess at the age of the universe). Since I won't be posting Saturday, my birthday will be celebrated on my blog tomorrow. Be prepared to heap praise upon me (plus I have a special surprise).

We are all busy at work at the next podcast, and expect it to be posted Monday. Then, expect a podcast every Monday. Soon, Monday will be your most favoritest day of the week.

Until then, live with honor, ronin.

Rating: 2.3/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (44)
Gotta Gitmo Respect
Posted by Frank J. at 12:32 PM | Email This

Amnesty International, apparently not finding any innocent people being oppressed worth complaining about, called the terrorist holding facility at Guantanamo Bay a "gulag." This angered both Cheney and Rumsfeld who met with Amnesty International personally to express their disagreement.

There were no survivors.

Though both Guantanamo and gulag start with a 'g', there are in fact numerous differences between the Soviet prison camps and our detention of terrorists. Actually, there are apparently ten differences, so...


10. Beatings at Gitmo are done as felt necessary, instead of following strict Soviet beating schedule.

9. Fancy new Korans for all Gitmo detainees, while nearly no free Korans under Stalin.

8. Gulag inmates were exploited to help the Soviet economy, while we can't even get wallets out of Gitmo detainees.

7. Gulag's had a high fatality rate, while Gitmo detainees don't die until we're done with them.

6. Sibera was not a hot spot for Canadian tourists.

5. Gitmo detainees are allowed to pray towards Mecca five times a day, while Gulag inmates were forced to bow down towards Stalin's mustache five times a day.

4. Many people were placed in gulag's simply for their political views, while many were put in Gitmo because they wouldn't stop shooting at us, gosh darnit.

3. Gulag is an abbreviation for Russian for "The Chief Directorate of Corrective Labor Camps" while Guantanamo is simply Spanish for "hell-hole."

2. While neither the inmates of the gulag or the Gitmo detainees bathe, the Gitmo detainees do have the option.

And the number one difference between Gitmo and a gulag...


Rating: 2.4/5 (27 votes cast)

Comments (16)
Carnival of Comedy #6
Posted by RightWingDuck at 10:44 AM | Email This

Whoa. Dudes. It’s like so totally a comedy carnival.

I'm your host. RightWingDuck. I'm so excited, look at all these exclamation points!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Man. I’ve been laughing so long, I wet my pants! Actually, I wet my pants and THEN started laughing. That’s how funny I know you guys are.

Hold on.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There - had to get it out of my system.


Today is the 6th Carnival of Comedy. So, be careful and practice safe sixth. *rimshot*

We had a lot of great entries. BTW, I made a goof on some of the cutting and pasting, but I think I have them all. Anyway, if you don't see your entry here this week, feel free to resubmit it for Carnvial # 7. This way we keep you guys coming back for more!!

Okay. Let's move on with the show.

Do you know why you shouldn't eat pizza and pickles before bedtime?

Hatless in Hattiesburg at Hatless in Hattiesburg presents Funny ER Dream

Hmmm. Pepsi. The other white meat.

a4g at Point Five presents Muslims Allege Pepsi Contains Pig Parts

Um. I debated adding this one. Patriot gets a warning, but at least he's looking out for #1.

Patriot Xeno at Right Hand of God presents 'The Little Things' That Are Awesome: First Leak in the Morning


Ironman at Political Calculations presents The Next "The Apprentice"

Do you want to know why you should take your prescription medication?

Jason Pomerantz at Fiddle and Burn: A Daily Comic Strip in Prose presents The Frog Vice-President

What makes Paris so darn special?

Ken O'Banion at JAFO presents The Last Time I Saw Paris...

What's better than Campfire stories?

muse at me-ander presents Israelie Campfires and My Girl Scout Badge

How about a tea party?

Peemil at Where are my socks? presents If Bush, Cheney and Rumsfeld were pompous 19th Century English gentlemen having a tea party.

Language lessons. Cool.

boborr4 at either orr presents brenda's english-french dictionary

I almost cut Mr. Potty Mouth Ellison, but then I noticed that the Mistress of Sarcasm was really cute...

Elisson at Blog d'Elisson presents CLIMBING THE WALLS

Secret Michael Jackson evidence?

Buckley F. Williams at The Nose On Your Face presents Jury Sees Jacko "To Do" List

TJ. This one almost didn't make the cut. Gross. Heee hee. Funny. But gross...

tj at Zazzafooky presents I Shit You Not

I love it when people are bitter...

Jim McCarthy at Letter From California presents Stone Cold Stupid

Every wonder what a cyborg really thinks?

Mark A. Rayner at The Skwib presents A sarcastic cyborg debriefs

Hippies are stupid. Heh heh.

Chad Hamilton at PlaidBerry presents Bumper Sticker Ideology III

Mad House Madman at Chronicles of a Medical Mad House presents Cold

Hmmm. What are the odds...

Editor at Editors in Pajamas presents Today's vocabularly lesson

Um. Er. Um. Uh. Sigh. Groan...

Tommy at Striving for Average presents Palm Trees

Mr. Right - get's it right. And funny...

Mr. Right at The Right Place presents Selections from the "Donktionary"

This is a (first) good (FIRST) link to read (FIRST!!) at JimmyB's place (FIRST!!)

jimmyb at The Conservative UAW Guy presents Mee-Oww FIRST!!

Here's another great vocabulary lesson!

Bill C at The Daily Cause presents Donktionary

Simon P. Chappell at Upright and Breathing presents The art of bathing very small children
Funny, that's the name of Michael Jackson's next album!!

phin at phin's blog presents A new breed of blogger
Making fun of Paris Hilton is always cool.

Kim at Ramble Strip presents Paris Hilton, in list form

Indeed (Ducky's running out of funny intros)

Elyas at Ablogistan presents The Adventures of Acinom


Will Franklin at WILLisms.com presents Wednesday Caption Contest: Part 8.

Er. Um. Here...

John Hatch at Ideas Hatched presents


Someone who may or may not be Jayson Blaire at Huffington's Toast presents Ward “Lobachevsky” Churchill

I love a good military story. Uncle Jimbo at Military Matters with Uncle Jimbo presents Spanky & the Shark

And in closing - What’s funnier than Triumph the Insult Comedy Dog doing geek jokes– nothing!

JMK at presents Triumph @ Attack of the Clones

That's it for this week's Carnival of Comedy!!


Rating: 2.3/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (17)
Posted by spacemonkey at 10:34 AM | Email This



Update: audio AND video links of the Sen. Whiny-vich's breakdown are on the top of the page linked to at "Wah."

Update2: Wah.

Rating: 1.9/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (6)
June 01, 2005
I Can Buy a LOT of Gas for Five Grand
Posted by Scott McCollum at 10:15 PM | Email This

USA Today tried so hard to put lipstick on the hybird car pig today with the headline: "Cost savings may not offset higher price for hybrids."

A study funded by USA Today and conducted by Edmunds, the online resource for automotive information, found that even after all factoring in of the Federal tax credits you get for buying an eco-friendly car, the alleged gas savings for not buying a big gas-guzzling SUV, and the good karma you generate driving around in your Prius golf cart, the additional $5,000 you spend to buy a hybrid car isn't worth it.

Yeah, what a shock...

The most striking example of this is the similarly-sized Toyota Prius vs. Toyota Corolla: To get your money's worth out of the more expensive hybrid Prius, gas would have to be $10.10 per gallon. Either you'd have to pay over $10 per gallon or you'd have to drive 66,500 miles per year at current gas prices (avg. $2.50 per gallon) in your hybrid.

So, I have to pay an extra five grand to get a hybrid to save the environment. However, to save the environment I have to put about 45,000 additional miles a year on my car... and over those additional 45,000 driving miles I will basically spew the same amount of deadly carbon monoxide into the atmosphere.

I've said this before, but it bears repeating: It makes more sense to buy a Toyota Camry, save $5,000, get a bigger car, and use that extra five grand to buy three and a half YEARS worth of gas. Hybrid cars are a feel-good scam.

Rating: 2.2/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (35)
Links of the Day
Posted by sarahk at 09:57 PM | Email This

John Hawkins of Right Wing News has launched Conservative Grapevine, a daily digest of the best right-of-center blog links.

If you'd like to console the emotional senator from Ohio, go to Console George, where the campaign is on to send Sen. George Voinovich some tissues. Michelle Malkin has some tissue samples and other links about Senator Sniff Sniff.

And Carnival of the Recipes #41 (hey, that's a DMB song, #41) is still up at Fresh as a Daisy, and my darling first-blorn has done a great job compiling the recipes. Go see.

Rating: 2.4/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (3)
Too much!
Posted by Cadet Happy at 08:48 PM | Email This


Rating: 2.1/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (5) | ignis fatuous
A Get Well Card For Zarqawi
Posted by Harvey at 08:21 PM | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Terrorist scumbag Abu Musab al-Zarqawi was recently wounded and his supporters have been asking for people to pray for him.

Being "none of the above" religion-wise, I can't do that, lest I be struck by lightning. But I figure the least I can do is send him a nice get-well card, like the one I put in the extended entry...


Rating: 1.9/5 (26 votes cast)

Comments (11) | Precision Guided Humor Assignments ~ | Songs & Poems
Straight from the fever swamp . . .
Posted by Cadet Happy at 02:15 PM | Email This

It's probably bad form to link to something that LGF has linked to, but I would be doing you a disservice if I didn't maximize your chances of reading the funniest thing i've read in awhile. A fever dream over at DU . . .

Rating: 2.3/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (23) | ignis fatuous
Deep Throat - Is It Just Me, Or Does that Sound Like the Name of a Porno?
Posted by Frank J. at 12:39 PM | Email This

Well, I guess since everyone is talking about finding out who the mysterious "Deep Throat" really is, I guess I should say something.

First off, before this, if I had to guess who Deep Throat was, I would have said Ben Stein. That's because I can only name three people who from memory who worked for the Nixon administration - Ben Stein, Spiro Agnew, and G. Gordon Liddy. I'm pretty certain G. Gordon Liddy didn't do it, so, after a coin flip, my guess is Ben Stein.

Then again, I guess President Ford is another I could name who was involved with Nixon, and he would have the motive...

Well, too late. We know who Deep Throat is, and it's some guy I never heard of. I mean, all this happened before I was born, and I'm not ever sure what it's about. This guy talked to some reporters - I think they were played by Dustin Hoffman and Nick Nolte in a movie - to uncover some scandal about a gate - a scandal so horrible that it sunk a president right after he swept 49 states in reelection.

Well, that'll teach Nixon to create the EPA.

At least now that chapter in history that I never bothered reading has been closed.

Now let's go back to talking about war.

Rating: 2.3/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (20)
RWD's News Round-Up, Tuesday Evening
Posted by RightWingDuck at 02:18 AM | Email This


I'm RightWingDuck and I'm here to share the news.

Vive La France!!

The French have rejected the EU constitution. Incredible!

Every citizen could cast a vote for one of two choices: Yes or no. Maybe this caused confusion. After all, their normal ballot choices are: Yes, no, or surrender.

People wonder where Chirac could have gone wrong. How can the man end up with so much egg on his face? Personally, I believe it’s an issue of sincerity: I just don't trust that phony French accent!

Does this spell disaster for the EU? Maybe not. Thankfully, they are united by a mutual geography, a strong sense of history, and a mutual contempt for America.

Heh heh heh.

People are really shocked by this outcome. 53 percent voted “non”. So now the losers are walking around being snotty and rude. Or were those the winners? I lose track.

So France has a lot of work to do if they ever hope to get this EU constitution back on track. They will work all day long – 20 hours a week if the unions let them.


Rating: 1.7/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (6) | News Round-Up
Supremes Side With Andersen a "Defeat" for Bush
Posted by Scott McCollum at 02:18 AM | Email This

The Supreme Court threw out the conviction of the Arthur Andersen accounting firm in relation to Enron on Tuesday because the "jury instructions were too broad."

According to the AP "The decision was a defeat for the Bush administration, which had declared prosecution of white-collar criminals a high priority following accounting scandals at major corporations."

That's right, kids. It's all Dubya's fault. No, he's too dumb so it must've been the evil of Karl Rove!

I forget... is Karl Rove the Emperor to Dubya's Darth Vader or is it the other way around?

While you're trying to process that Star Wars analogy, check out the always lucid Homocon's witty take on the Supreme Court's decision

Rating: 2.1/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (2)

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