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June 30, 2005
The Continuing Problem of Alien Warlords
I'm not sure how familiar most of you are with Scientology. In college, I had a lecture in my Information Warfare class all about how Scientologists have made efforts to fight criticism and keep certain information from being made public. Anyhoo, just as something of interest, here's the Wikipedia entry for Xenu (as much as I want to hate Wikipedia, the entries in it tend to be thorough and unbiased).
What I find most interesting about Xenu is the message at the bottom of the page when you do a Google search for it. Know of any other search term that yields a similar message?
If you actually can't tell who did the carnival of comedy this week, you haven't been paying very much attention.
I'll give some hints.
Hint#1: It was NOT ME.
Hint#2: Check out other posts on the front page for the same name.
But whoever did do it did a great job. Better than I usually do, that's for [bleep] sure.
Another hint is below the fold
Hint#3 It was Cadet Happy.
Frank Advice on Gitmo Detainees
Now I'm hearing the prisoners at Gitmo are abusing the guards with monkey like feces flinging and constant violent threats. I even have heard from an unnamed source that some prisoners are taking the guards’ Bibles, touching them with their infidel hands, and flushing them (you know, the flushable sized Bibles the Gideons hand out that only has the New Testament). Some prisoners have even stolen guard food supplies, forcing the guards to not eat pork. Not consuming pork is a special blaspheme in the Christian religion and could lead to much duress.
Now, I know you Christian reading this are quite enraged and ready to riot and kill each other, but let's approach this calmly. Let's ask ourselves, "What would Jesus do?"
A. Kill the unbelievers.
According to the Bible, it's either D or E. Of course, I'm not Jesus and fall quite short of Him, but I have a few suggestions of my own.
FRANK ADVICE ON DEALING WITH UNRULY GITMO DETAINEES
* Have a time our where an unruly detainee has to sit quietly in the corner... while you beat him with a rubber hose.
* Three demerits and a detainee is only allowed to pray towards Mecca four times a day.
* Make them share their prison with their new pets: a rottweiler and a pot-belly pig.
* Continued bad behavior will mean a detainee loses his Koran privileges and has to stick to reading his porn.
* If called an "infidel," shout back, "No, you're in the infidel, infidel!" Let's see them respond to that.
* Feces flinging means you get thrown in "the hole." Ever prison should have a place called "the hole." That's just standard.
* My dad's advice: choke them unconscious and handcuff them to a radiator.
* Then turn it on.
* If they thrown urine or other liquids at guards, throw holy water back to scald them (works best if holy water is first boiled).
* Burn them with your lit Cuban cigars. Mmm... Cuban cigars.
* If they won't stop shouting, hose them down with processed pig fat.
* In an extreme circumstance, connect an Amnesty International inspector to a car battery until he starts screaming in pain. Then say threateningly to the detainees, "That could be you."
* Don't forget hugs. People do a lot of wacky, mean things when all they want is a hug from a kafir.
The Carnival of Comedy!
Greetings imao.us readers! Since Dreamworks canceled my War of the Worlds press tour because many have come to believe I am mentally unbalanced, I’ve been promoting my movie through the non-traditional media. In that vein, I am auditing this weeks Carnival of Comedy! So sit back, grab your e-meter, and let’s have some non-pharmaceutically-based fun!
I’ve run my e-meter on this first batch of links, and these submitters have truly reached the advanced Operating Thetan stage of Bridge consciousness. These OTs have exteriorstated their body thetans and have liberated their souls from the evil extraterrestrial tyrant Xenu.
Jim McCarthy at Movies I Didn't See reviews a movie my fiancé Kelly loves, but he hasn’t seen (which is possible once one achieves an Operating Thetan stage of consciousness) at Review of "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants"
Buckley F. Williams at The Nose On Your Face presents some poems that make my dyslexic head ache at Sir Richard of Durbin: A Dr. Seuss From Beyond The Grave Tale
For the first time, you get the chance to vote for whichever of the above bloggers you think brought “teh funny” this week. There can only be one winner, so chose wisely!
UPDATE: This weeks winner will get the privilege of displaying a special graphic on their blog (if they so choose) and will also win this valuable prize.
And now for the rest . . .
My e-meter tells me that this next group of submitters have reached the Clear state of consciousness. Although they have at least a couple hundred thousand dollars in auditing and clay tabling left to reach the heightened sense of consciousness achieved by intellectuals like me, they are well on their way to operating as pure disembodied souls.
a4g at Point Five presents Military Says Flag Burning High on List of "What We Fight For"
Steve the Pirate at Steve the Pirate[net] presents Karl Rove Deemed to be Dark Lord of the Sith
David at satire presents Wal-Mart Demolishes the Supreme Court To Build A New Supreme Super Center (note NSFW sidebar)
And now the rest of the rest . . .
I had trouble auditing this last group of submissions using my e-meter, so I moved over to the clay table. Here is a photo of what I came up with . . .
These Pre-Clears need to spend some time on remedial TRs in the Rehabilitation Project Force. Perhaps they need to throw their antidepressants into the trash and realize that true enlightenment and freedom from the Marcab Confederacy can only be obtained through Scientology’s Spiritual Technology.
Will Franklin at WILLisms.com presents some art that will cause me to spend many hours in deep contemplation at the clay table with Drew Curtis at Creative Taxidermy.
John at Locusts & Honey presents The Downing Street Memo -- John has a link to something quite funny, but he gets mega demerits for putting it in a .doc file!
Well, it’s been fun. Now, clear out your checking and savings accounts, cash in your 401(k)s, get those credit card checks, and head down to your nearest Scientology center so you can be as smart as me!
June 29, 2005
the DVR is the greatest!!!
and Frank J.'s eye is the sharpest!!
so we're watching an old episode of CSI from this season on the hi-def TiVo. Frank, the ever-scrutinizing, noticed that when Warrick Brown started thumbing through some money, the $100 bills looked super fake. i said, "but Sweetie, all the new money looks fake." the great Frank J. said, "no, but these look even faker than the fakest." so of course, we played it back frame-by-frame for intense analysis purposes, and what did we see?
each bill is stamped:
FOR MOTION PICTURE USE ONLY.
hahahahahahahahaha!!!! not kidding. oh, and Frank was sooooo proud of himself. and was quite sure that waiting for the HD-TiVo was the right move.
p.s. For pictures of Frank in his birthday
New White House Press Conference Strategy
At a recent White House press conference...
SCOTT MCCLELLAN: Good afternoon. Although I'm usually the one who has to handle questions from you journalistic jackals, President Bush has informed me that I'm not being aggressive enough with my responses, and he'll be handling the briefing today... Mr. President?
W: And you're too damn fat, too. Now, in order to encourage more respectful questions, I'll be instituting a program of rewards and punishments as a way of giving you feedback on your level of professionalism. Ok, who wants to go first?
(continued in extended entry)
ABC: Why is murdering journalists the official policy of the US Armed Forces?
W: I'm sorry, I can't hear you. Could you please step a little closer to the podium?
ABC: Sure... How's that?
W: Perfect... [presses button opening trap door]
W: Since that pit has no bottom that I'm aware of, I should just go ahead & take the next question...
CBS: As CBS proved last year, you went AWOL from the National Guard. When will you be surrendering yourself for prosecution by a military tribunal?
W: Now THAT was a fair and balanced question. Here... have this cookie as your reward...
CBS: Tofu! My favorite! [munch, munch]
W: Now... you can either have the answer to your question or the antidote to the poison in the cookie.
CBS: I... [THUD!]
W: Hmmm... that recipe needs some fine-tuning... NEXT!
NBC: NAZI! Why don't you just grow a postage-stamp moustache and goose-step around the Oval Office?
W: Does the phrase "dodged a bullet" mean anything to you? [BLAM! BLAM!... THUD!]... guess not... Next question.
CNN: Could you please give us details on how you let Iraq turn into such a quagmire, and also, when ARE you going to grow that moustache, Hitler?
W: Good question. The answer is, the venom of a black mamba can kill a human being in four hours if, say, bitten on the ankle or the thumb, However, a bite to the face or torso can bring death from paralysis within 20 minutes.
CNN: I don't understand how that relates to...
W: You will... [pulls rope releasing a shower of black mambas from the ceiling]
CNN: AAH! AAH! OH GOD! MY FACE! AAAAAAAH!
W: Anyway, let me check with my research team and I'll get back to your question in about 20 minutes... NEXT!
MSNBC: Do you have an exit strategy for ending the unilateral occupation of Iraq that you're only doing to steal oil because you lied about WMD as proven by the Downing Street Memo?
W: Well, as Rummy explained some time ago, it's more of a victory strategy than an exit strategy. The key to it is that we're adopting Zell Miller's "spitball" techniques. Let me show you... *spitooie!*
MSNBC: OW! MY EYE! I'M BLIND!
W: No, you're only half-blind... *spitooie!*
MSNBC: OW! MY OTHER EYE!
W: NOW you're blind... NEXT!
REUTERS: How do you sleep at night knowing that the blood of millions of innocent Iraqi civilians is on your hands?
W: Well, I find that being mauled by pit bulls is quite conducive to relaxation... See for yourself... [whispering to Scott] release the hounds...
[*barking, chewing, screaming*]
W: Can we get a mop in here?... Now, who's next?
W: I guess that wraps this thing up... still plenty of cookies left if you guys are hungry.
ALL REPORTERS: YAY! FREE FOOD!
W [to Scott, as they leave the room together]: Lord help them, they're just not. That. Bright.
SCOTT: They did major in journalism...
SCOTT: We're gonna need some help removing all these bodies...
W: Yeah... maybe we can get that guy who handled all of the Clintons' corpse-related issues. You know... that Gollum-looking fella...
SCOTT: James Carville?
W: That's the one.
SCOTT: He's a pretty staunch Democrat. I don't think he'll help us.
W: Persuade him...[hands Scott some Polaroids]
SCOTT: Is that a llama that he's...?
W: See if he'll take those as payment.
SCOTT: Very good, Mr. President... [hurrys away]
W: I love press conferences... [strolls down the hall whistling "Yellow Rose of Texas"]
A Contrast of Character
(NOTE: All I did was read the lines given to me. Think I can do a career as an announcer?)
A spacemonkey Reaction To The Dub's Speech
According to James OTB
What's interesting is how many of the sites on my blogroll who've updated in the last two hours have no reaction to the speech at all.
So, to placate James (Are we even on his blogroll? Is he on ours?), Here's my reaction to the the Dub's speech. Dub, that's what the Dub, sorry, the President lets his close personal constituency call him. He wouldn't get upset if I told yo that either, that's just Dub. Anyway, here's my reaction.
A POWDER BLUE TIE???? What was he THINKING????
Seriously, not to be to hard on the Dub, but I thought the powder blue tie was a little, ahem, too powder blue, if you get my drift? Presidents at war need to wear red. In Dub's case I think he should have gone with maybe a bright red tie with a bald eagle swooping down grabbing a filthy cave rat, yanking it from a dialysis machine.
Plus, I was little disappointed that the Dubber didn't announce he was offering a bazillion dollars to 'the person or persons who bring me Zarqawi's head in a big ol' tater sack." I'd like to think of this as having the *reverse angle Golden Rule applied to them.
Other than that, good speech, good delivery, with not too much over the top smirking and mispernuncifyin'. Oh sure, it was full of things I pretty much already knew but it was nice to hear them directly from the ol Dubinator.
But then again the speech wasn't so much for me as it was for the multitude of **doofii who have forgotten why we are there in the first place. People that don't know the Dub like I do.
* "To have done unto you what you have done unto others."
The New School
Michelle Malkin has brought our attention to a New Yorker piece that focuses on yet ONE MORE thing wrong with our public schools: Too many of the wrong programs. The latest being a New York program called Operation Respect: Don’t laugh at me. If you haven’t read the link, go there now. I’ll wait.
You haven’t read it, have you? You did? Good.
My favorite part is where teachers are guided to other resources such as the music of Peter, Paul and Mary. (The #1 group of 1960) So, now we have all of these programs to help kids become build yet more self esteem. I mean, really, Peter, Paul and Mary? As my mom would say, “Ai, Jesus, Maria Y Jose!”
However, Michelle is too busy to be able to do some serious digging. Enter RWD and the crew at IMAO. Remember, if there are questions that you need answered – we have the best Fake But Accurate data out there.
Here for your review are the OTHER programs available to the Public Schools in America.
Focus: To teach students the value of privacy and listening skills.
Overview: The Mime Your Own Business program will help children become better communicators. As children grow and develop, they can become focused on the less important skills such as reading and writing. Too many schools don’t do a good enough job at neglecting these core skills. In order to enhance unspoken communication, students are encouraged to mime all of their ideas. Students will share what it’s liked to feel trapped in a box and the frustrations of walking against the wind – which many times can make them feel helpless.
Resource Materials. Special mime outfits made in France. Or in a pinch, teachers can improvise and shop Wal-Mart. Also, white face paint is encouraged so that students, especially in New York and L.A. can feel what it’s like to be a minority.
Price: $35,000, or as they say in mime ----- -------- -------!
Program Title: There’s Always Room for Yellow.
Focus: A program dedicated to fighting evil by running in the opposite direction.
Overview: In our increasingly religious intolerant society, we are taught that good and evil exist. This myopic point of view tends to make people stand up for what they believe in – leading to conflict. The Room for Yellow program puts particular emphasis on understanding those you disagree with. If they still disagree with you, it’s best to make sure that you do everything that they say.
Resource Materials. French White flags and anything written by Michael Moore.
Price: $35,000 unless you threaten us with violence – in which case the price can be dropped or removed.
Program Title: Can’t We All Just Get A Song?
Focus: Racial sensitivity and harmony.
Overview: Kids love music. There is no better way than to reach them through song and dance. Kids will listen to music from different ethnic groups, especially rap. Black kids can teach the white kids how to dance. It is only by listening to the plight of minorities that white kids can learn how evil the white man truly is. Just like class, and real life, minorities are not required to participate.
Resource Materials. A wide variety of music material can be used. Best if the bass notes rattle your fillings.
Price: $35,000 includes lecture visits from Jess Jackson and Al Sharpton.
Focus: A diverse program to facilitate the acceptance of free love and alternative lifestyles.
Overview. By encouraging students to do whatever, and whomever, it is the goal of the program to break down walls that would otherwise not break by accident – unless horseback riding. Diverse tastes can indeed taste better together. Students are encouraged to experiment and focus on pleasure, even if it doesn’t feel good. It is only be constant exposure that the walls of ‘morality’ can be eroded.
Resource Materials. Videos of Will and Grace and Queer Eye for the Straight. Plus other material to show that alternative lifestyles don't have to be stereotyped. Also, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. We discourage the mention of conservative gay communities as they are not - well, you know - really gay.
Price: $35,000 unless you accuse us of being homophobic. Then it’s free.
There you have it folks. These programs are coming to a public school near you. We've given you warning, this way you won't be so surprised the next time some teenager asks, "Can you read to me what's on this paper?"
This is just too much folks. I need to go have some Tequila. Which by the way, was the number one song of 1958.
In Search of Funny
Man, I haven't written anything funny today. I guess I would have something if I had been following the news... but I ain't been following the news. So I'm just here panicking going, "I gotta write something funny!"
To which I reply, Then write something funny.
"But I can't think of anything!"
So just write something about Chomps biting someone or Buck killing foreigners; that's always enough to placate the rubes.
"No, I want something brilliant and funny, or otherwise my readers will go read some other blog... and I hate it when people read other blogs!"
Well, I'm not bailing you out of this one, bucko. You make your own humor. Do a top ten list or something. Those are easy.
Check what's on the frontpage of CNN.com for an idea.
"'U.S. copter came under fire before crash'... I don't think there's anything funny about that."
"Top Ten Things Not to Do While in a Copter Under Fire" Number 10: Play "Guess Who" with the pilot.
"That's just sick."
You asked for my help...
"And you just scared all the funny out of me."
Hey, I got a fun idea: Let's see how many racial slurs we can name!
That's your problem, bucko; you're scared of living on the edge. Now, if you let me free to write on IMAO, there'd be so much controversy that...
"No way. I don't want that trouble."
Fine. Can we at least get some coffee?
I completely forgot about the President's speech last night. Since I now have Tivo, I never check the TV schedule and instead just depend on Tivo to catch all I want to see. I ended up spending last night watching CSI: Miami with my sweetie (it was a rerun of when Speedle got killed - hadn't seen it). It's certainly easy to find what the blogosphere thinks, but I want to hear my readers' impressions. Please put them in the comments.
June 28, 2005
"Thanks... for nothing"
Bruce Campbell, the star of such cult movie hits as Evil Dead and Army of Darkness, made a swing through Seattle to promote his novel How to Make Love the Bruce Campbell Way, a satirical look at Hollywood.
A friend of mine and I got there a little early to the event and promptly got lost in the extremely confusing underground parking lot. Once we found our way up to overcast Seattle daylight, we were on the wrong side of the building. We weren't the only ones lost: Bruce Campbell and his publicist were also wandering around back there.
"Hi," Bruce Campbell said. "Do you guys know where you're going?"
"Yeah we're going to see you," I said. "Where are you going?"
What followed was a comedy of errors where the four of us tried various doors into the building that mostly went like this:
ME: Okay Bruce—This door is the one!
Once we found the entrance to the building it turned out to still be the wrong place. We walked next door and hooked Bruce and his publicist up with the PR rep coordinating the event. The event went smoothly after that and even though he's an actor, Campbell turned out to be a normal guy and an engaging (and shockingly honest) speaker.
The most surprising fact I learned about Campbell was that he was a normal sized guy close to my height of 6' 1". Maybe it's not a big deal to most, but I absoultely hate meeting famous people because they are usually hobbit-sized. Tom Cruise? More like "Tom Thumb." Will Ferrell isn't a giant, folks. Fact is that the rest of the actors around him are lucky if they are five feet tall.
I wish I would've brought something to record Campbell saying something for the podcast, but Campbell was a good guy and even signed my friend's book with a personal message that reflected our misadventure:
Thanks... for nothing
Carnival of Comedy Reminder
Its Tuesday, so that means it's time to remind you to get ready for the CARNIVAL OF COMEDY version X. (that's a Romanumeral for ten)
Some prepare by using meditation.
Questions about joining the Carnival O' Comedy? Go here.
Question of the Day
I saw Batman Begins over the weekend, and it was awesome - leagues better than any of the previous (there was actually acting and character development). I'm all hyped for the sequel and hope they bring back Batman's main nemesis, the Joker. I wonder who should play him, though. Besides being too old, I think Jack Nicholson just had too much cool to be the Joker. Actually, the previous choice for the Riddler, Jim Carrey, would have been a better fit.
What do you think?
BTW, the rumor of who Nolan is looking to cast could be controversial if true.
The New Miss America
The Miss America Pageant has now been moved to the Country Music Television Channel.
I'm a big fan of beauty contests. Some people say that true beauty lies on the inside, but I've noticed that only ugly people say that. Anyway, not that Miss America has left the major networks and 'gone country' I've done some digging and have learned that this pageant will be going through some changes.
Here's Ducky's Dozen:
Now on CMT, Country Music Television.
12. Judging panel use gold covered spittoons.
11. Sponsorship provided by Roadkill Helper
10. Orchestra is replaced by Mr. Earl and His Jug Town Band
9. Opening number is one big square dance
8. Kenny Chesney eligible to be a contestant
7. Moonshine Chugging Competition
Announcer: "And here's our next contestant. Margarita Lou Lopez!!"
5. Bikinis replaced with Daisy Dukes
4. New, improved talent show!!
Announcer: And here’s Miss New York, Elizabeth Lou Miller!
Miss NY: At first I was going to recite poetry, but now that we’re on CMT I’d like to do some hog calling. Suweeee. Soweeee. Suweeeeeeeeeeeeee.
3. Official song becomes, “She’s purtier than my red wagon”
2. Pageant contestants would be the first people on CMT with all their teeth.
And the biggest change now that Miss America is on CMT...
1. I’ll be in my trailer means, “I’m going home”
Al Sharpton Now Supports War in Iraq: "Great way to kill Whitey"
Known for his sharp rhetoric opposing the War in Iraq during his brief run for President, the Reverend Al Sharpton has now come around to giving the War effort his full support.
"While blacks make up over 20% of the US Military, they comprise less than 12% of the casualties," said Sharpton, "If there's a downside to this, I'm just not seein' it."
"Heh. Crackas be droppin' like flies!"
Former Ku Klux Klansman and current West Virginia Senator Robert C. Byrd also voiced tentative approval of the war upon reviewing the statistics.
"Although it pains me some to see good White men dying for Bush's illegal war for oil," observed Byrd, "I comfort myself with the notion that the ones doing the dying had voluteered to serve in a mixed-race Service. Me, I'd rather die a thousand times than fight under Old Glory with a Negro by my side."
"It's God's justice", he concluded.
President George W. Bush - speaking at a press conference earlier today - expressed disappointment at the news, but hoped that a solution could be found.
"It seems that "Operation Get Behind the Darkies" has been a miserable failure," said Bush. "I'll be meeting with the Joint Chiefs later this week to discuss ways of increasing minority casualties. I don't want the US Armed Forces to be accused of violating Affirmative Actions laws by allowing African-Americans to be under-represented in this vital category."
[Hat tip to Mean Mr. Mustard for the link to the stats]
In My World: Hobby
"And out guest today on Meet the Press is Karl Rove," Tim Russert announced. He then looked around. "Where is he?"
There was a sudden power outage. When the lights came back on, there was the hooded figure of Karl Rove seated next to Russert.
"There you are," Russert said. "You've angered many Democrats with your remarks suggesting that liberals do not support military action to protect America. Do you think such anger is justified?"
"Their anger concerns me not," Rove answered, "They are fools who will soon be destroyed. Traitors, all of them, and the road to our victory will be lined with their entrails!"
Senator Chuck Schumer screamed at the television. "He can't say things like that! We have to get back at this Karl Rove!"
Schumer's aide walked in. "I just got a call saying there will be a meeting by us liberals about Karl Rove in a mountain lair."
"Then let's head there right away!" Schumer shouted, grabbing his coat.
* * * *
Soon Schumer was far in the mountains in a brick made lair. Inside were many liberals, most of whom he recognized. "So did you MoveOn.org people organize this meeting?" Schumer asked.
"No, we thought you did."
Suddenly the doors and windows all slammed shut, a few torches the only light in the building. "Muh ha ha ha!" echoed an ungodly laugh.
"What is this!"
"Fools!" yelled a voice that seemed to come from nowhere, "You ran so readily into my trap."
"Yes, it is I, and now you are trapped in my lair of horror! Soon, you will yearn for the torments of hell! Muh ha ha ha!"
All those inside screamed, but no earthly being could hear their voices.
* * * *
Scott McClellan looked up from his talking points to President Bush. "Ever wonder what Karl Rove does for fun?"
There seems to be a few misperceptions about the podcast, so I thought I'd do a short FAQ.
Q. What is a podcast?
Q. So why the fancy-smancy name?
Q. Do I need an mp3 player to listen to the podcast?
Q. What's that weird subscribe XML stuff?
Q. How often will there be new podcasts?
Q. I want to support the podcast. What can I do?
Q. I don't care about podcasts. I want Frank Answers™ back! Where are my Frank Answers™?
Q. Wow! Podcasting is fun and cool! I love it!
Q. I'm sorry.
If anything else is confusing you, put it in the comments and I'll update this FAQ.
FUN FACTS ABOUT CALIFORNIA: THE DIRECTOR'S CUT
The version on the IMAO podcast (#5) was cut here & there for time & quality reasons.
My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision lies within the extended entry...
Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting yet completely useless, and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.
This week, grab your surfboard because we're headed to the shores of sunny California, so let's get started...
California is a large state on the western coast of the US which is inhabited by people who snuck into the state and live off the hard-earned money of the working class, or, as the locals refer to them, actors.
The main export of California is fine wine, which is quite similar to French wine, except that it's less cowardly and annoying.
California was originally part of Mexico, and many of its cities still have Mexican names, like Los Angeles, which means "City of Beating up Rodney King"
California requires that all cars sold in the state run on a special environmentally friendly fuel composed of 50% gasoline and 50% tofu.
California used to be covered by thick forests of giant redwood trees, but these have all been cut down to make nightsticks for beating black motorists.
The state motto of California is "Eureka!", a Greek word meaning "Dude!"
More turkeys are raised in California than in any other state, and most of them get released from Hollywood during the summer.
The Hollywood Bowl is the world's largest outdoor amphitheater and will be hosting next week's IMAO podcast with the re-formed Monty Python as the opening act.
Buy your tickets now or we'll send the IMAO goon squad after you.
Californians can be easily identified by their deep, golden tans and fake green cards.
California experiences 500,000 detectable seismic tremors every year. Coincidentally, that's the same number of steps taken annually by Michael Moore during his trips to the refrigerator.
The average earthquake in California only lasts about 10 seconds. Coincidentally, that's the same amount of time between the beginning of a typical Michael Moore movie and the time someone yells, "THIS SUCKS!"
The state animal of California is the Grizzly Bear, which, sadly, has been hunted to near extinction by roving hordes of the undead who feast on their tender brains.
California recently legalized the use of marijuana for medicinal purposes. Research is currently underway to investigate any possible healing powers possessed by hookers.
Many cities in California have outlawed the possession of handguns - however mace, pepper spray, and light sabers are still perfectly legal for self-defense.
You do, however, need a special permit to use force lightning.
San Francisco, has a large, free-spirited population of homosexuals, most of whom are safely confined to a gulag on Castro Street.
Clint Eastwood retired from acting to become the Mayor of Carmel, California, where he spends his days sipping whiskey and pistol-whipping Mexicans.
Many people hope that California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger will run for President someday, but unfortunately the Constitution specifically forbids the election of people who are unable to pronounce the word "Calee-forn-ee-uh".
Luckily there's no such restriction for "nu-cu-lar".
California is impervious to terrorist attacks because the noxious fumes from the hippies quickly render them unconscious.
Even though it's only a single state, California has the 7th largest economy in the world, 90% of which comes from the sale of breast implants.
Arnold Schwarzeneggar won California's special recall election in 2003 by running on the slogan of "I will crush my enemies, see them driven before me, and hear the lamentation of the girly men!"
California produces 17 million gallons of wine each year, which is enough to get Frank J. drunk 340 million times... if Frank were the kind of froo-froo sissy-pants who actually drank wine, that is.
Fallbrook, California is known the Avacado Capital of the World, a fact about which nobody outside the city gives a damn.
California became the 31st state on September 9th 1850 after winning it's independence from Mexico by defeating them in a brutal game of tiddlywinks.
California is famous for it's many elite golf courses, including Palm Springs, Pebble Beach, and No Blacks or Women.
In 1906, the city of San Francisco was razed to the ground by fires and earthquakes. Fortunately the local homosexual population was able to Queer Eye it back together in a matter of days.
The first person to receive a star on Hollywood's Walk of Fame was Joanne Woodward in 1960. The last person was SpongeBob Squarepants.
Pauley Shore is still waiting.
Ronald Reagan was elected to two terms as Governor of California in exchange for his promise not to make a sequel to "Bedtime for Bonzo".
That wraps up the California edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be heading into the Rocky Mountains of Colorado.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go watch a Michael Moore Movie... THIS SUCKS!
[The complete e-book version of "Fun Facts About the 50 States" is now available at Amazon.com. If you don't have a Kindle, you can download free Kindle apps for your web browser, smartphone, computer, or tablet from Amazon.com]
My question for IMAO readers...
Does reading this make you more or less inclined to download the IMAO podcast?
June 27, 2005
When You're Right, You're Right
Here's something maybe a few honorable ronin can help me with. My uncle, Bruce Lefavi, works as a financial consultant. In addition to his business, he has written a book (may write another) and has a syndicated radio show. Until now, though, he hasn't focused much on his website (other than putting his mutual fund picks and a bio on it). He wants to change that, and especially promote that he's now 22 for 22 on financial predicitons over the years (with two new ones pending). I said I'd help him (doesn't the Bible say, "Help thy rich uncles."?), but I don't know much about the internet in the area of financial investing. Any investors out there who know what to most popular sites are (especially ones with bboards)? He's hoping for more of a viral advertising campaign.
Anyone who helps me and my uncle will be rewarded with... uh... much good feelings.
The IMAO Podcast Insensitive and Offensive?
There's talk that some people will find some of the language in this week's IMAO Podcast insensitive and offensive. Certain minority segments of the population are supposedly being mocked in the June 27 IMAO Podcast, but it's nothing worse than what Mel Brooks did 30 years ago.
If anything, the IMAO Podcast aims to equally offend everyone until the Supreme Court rules our podcast unconstitutional.
Have you listened to it yet? If you have tell me if you think any of it is offensive. If you haven't listened to the IMAO Podcast, why? It is free to download and we're giving away t-shirts just for listening...
Supreme Pain in the...
What is it with the Supreme Court? They've been trouble ever since Marbury v. Madison where Chief Justice John Marshall ruled in 1801 quote: "We, the most Supreme Court of this land and any land hence forth discovered, have infinite power over all things, and shall never be questioned. NEVER!"
Now the court has made a few more wacky decisions, making our about three page Constitution even more meaningless. It's time that the Supreme Court had a few more check and balances, I say.
My proposal is to add a "Men with Bats" division to the Executive Branch. Then, if the President doesn't like a Supreme Court’s decision, he can send his Men with Bats to see if they can change the Court's mind. The idea here is, if the Supreme Court makes an unpopular decision based on real principles, they should be willing to take a trashing for it.
Of course, there will be checks against the Men with Bats. Any beating of the Supreme Court judges can be stopped with a two-thirds super majority vote in Congress. Also, the President has the voters to answer to, who may become upset if he orders the beating of the Supreme Court judges too much (or too little).
I defy anyone to find any flaws in my new idea.
Would It Be Wrong?
*** Warning, The following post contains hardly any political references and little to no, actual humor***
Would it be wrong for me to claim IMAO.US on blogshares?
Reasons I think it would be ok.
* Because I can. It's not my fault Frank J. entrusted me with the keys to the kingdom, well to post anyway. I am an opportunist from day one.
*The owner awarded bog-shares are worth over 2 million Blogshare Dollars. Which is some pretty tempting bait. With that kind of fake money, I could really buy some awesome, well... other... fake... blogshare... type... stuff.
*It's not real money so it wouldn't really be stealing for me to make a claim since Frank J seems to have no real interest in the fake stockmarket for fake blogshares?
*Because I did. This post was just a way to get the logo for my claim put on the front page of the blog long enough for my claim stake to be, ah, staked. Buwuahahaha.
Feedback would be appreciated it, even if I actually don't heed it or pay any mind to it. In fact, I may actually mock you.
Ditto Cam Frank
White Fang saw my call to Rush Limbaugh on the Ditto Cam and sent this description:
He was at first a little surprised when you mentioned podcasting and seemed somewhat intrigued in my opinion. When you starting talking about your perceptions of Geldof, he appeared slightly uninterested, not paying complete attention. By the time he said "These rock stars can fool us....people of considerable depth" he looked to me very much like he was kidding (and even poking fun at you to some degree). After you continued speaking following the "depth" line, he appeared uninterested and mockingly clutched his heart. When he went to commercial break he laughed, shook his head somewhat and slapped himself in the face, then going on with something else.
Was Rush Limbaugh taking me as a fool? Then he made himself a powerful enemy!
BTW, anyone know how White Fang could record that video so I could sees it?
Time to Test Our Right-Wing Power
The Frank man is back, and I just finished reading the comments to my proposal to demand an apology from a random Democrat Senator. Unfortunately, the Democrats seems to have stole my idea in demanding and apology from Karl Rove. Still, I think my scheme has a better chance of success. I still need a good target and statement, though.
Commenter Patel suggested that we go after a Senator who is vulnerable in 2006 and listed Sarbanes (MD), Conrad (ND), or Byrd (WV). Byrd is too obvious, so I say Sarbanes or Conrad. I think a statement about the war would be best to misconstrue and get all angry about. I don't have the time to do all the footwork here, so, if people put quote from Sarbanes and Conrad in the comments, we can settle on one and get this test of the Right-Wing Noise Machine started.
The Fifth Podcast Forum
Comment here on the new podcast (and don't forget to send short comments and questions to the e-mail in the podcast to get a chance to win a t-shirt; it's the only Frank Answers™ around now).
Plus, make sure to vote so we gain power in the podcast community.
June 26, 2005
Sorry I've been out of commission lately. One thing I wanted was to give an update on Baby Torres (updates you can get suscribing to the e-mails the same place you give donations), but Michelle Malkin has handled that. I really pray for a good outcome (as there can be) in this.
June 24, 2005
Battle of the Link-Whores: Instapundit vs. the Alliance
As Frank mentioned recently, the venerable Alliance of Free Blogs recently had its honor besmirched by Blogcritics.org, which accused us of link-
Well, *I* say that I've they're gonna throw smirch at you, you might as well rub it all over yourself and revel in the ecstasy of it.
But there arose a question of honor even MORE important. Sure, the Alliance of Free Blogs is an idiotically haphazard collection of people who merely want to rank higher on The Truth Laid Bear's Ecosystem, but how did we compare against the top link-whore in the blogosphere? The man who will link anyone, anytime, for any reason or no reason at all (except for ME, of course): Glenn Reynolds.
Well, it just so happens that that question was answered decisively not so very long ago. In fact, I even wrote a little song about it (in the extended entry)...
GLENN REYNOLDS WENT TO THE ALLIANCE
Glenn Reynolds went to The Alliance He was lookin' for a blog to steal He needed more links 'Cause Instapundit stinks And he was willin' to make a deal
When he came upon this blogger
I guess you didn't know it
Now you give gratuitous linkage, boy
The boy said "My name's Harvey
Harvey you fire up MT and link to everyone.
Glenn opened up his laptop case
Then he found a post about Karl Rove,
When Glenn Reynolds finished, Harvey said
Glenn Reynolds bowed his head
Harvey said, Reynolds just come on back
[Instrumental to end]
Flag Burning Amendment Amendments
I am against the Flag Burning Amendment. I, having not actually read the text of it, presume it will merely make state laws which criminalize flag burning, stand against Supreme Court shenanigans.
I want it to be known I am against flag burning, of course. I just think that there may possibly be ways that the Constitution could be amended specifically to allow flag burning as an expansion of the first amendment expression of free speech, provisionally. Flagburners should never have to fear the government during or after the burning of an American flag, provisionally. I've said "provisionally" twice now so hopefully you know there are provisions and I am not completely off the deep end.
If some other changes are made as well to the amendment I could accept it. If it were amended to, say, expand the first amendment a little in other ways and while we are at it tweak some other popular amendments as well.
The Right To Bear Arms. - Second Amendment
The Right to Peacefully Assemble - First Amendment Again
The Right To Not Face Double Jeopardy. - Seventh Amendment
The Right to Freedom of Expression - First Amendment One Final Time
They will just have to fear people like me and maybe, you.
Let's do our best to make flagburning legal, unsafe and flagburners somewhere between rare and medium well.
As the Peyote Light wears off RWD Struggles to Control the Spirit of Dean which he now channels..
Let's join in on today's session..
QUESTION:Posted by Jonathan
Mine's Hot Fudge Sundae.
"Ha. If I'm the (YEARGh) idiot, how come YOU'RE the one who put a hot fuge sundae in the toaster!! (Yea.. argh. h)"
QUESTION: Posted by Army NCO Guy
RWDean, I'm a white Christian Republican. Do you really hate me? I wanna be your friend.
I try to hate everyone equally. Check with my staff to see if we have any openings. Maybe we can go biking. I know a nice church with a bikepath
What is the answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything?
"Hmmm. Pizza. I didn’t think to order one. But that’s okay – the clod did."
QUESTION: Posted by xtremerightwing
QUESTION: Posted by Kalthalior
How is your outreach plan to Confederate-flag wearing voters coming? Making any progress?
(RWD is having a hard time channeling the Dean spirit. He picks up a pie and smashes it into his face. YEAAAAAAAAAAARGH)
"Senator Robert C. Byrd and I have talked about this at length. Confederate flag fans admire strength and determination. We are reaching out to them. So if you have a gun rack and fly the Confederate flag, make sure you visit our next event – The Rainbow Coalition Makeover Madness Party. It will be Fab-U-lous!"
QUESTION: Posted by spacemonkey
Dr. Dean, being the Bible know-er that you are, what is your favorite Old Testament book.
"Aargh. Uh. Arrrgh. Table of Contents. It’s magical in its ability to tell you where things are. BTW, shouldn't you be working on your scripts for the Podcast?"
QUESTION: Posted by Just Plain Frank
Does Vermont have penis envy?
"yeargh. Only the Male half."
Question: Posted by james wigderson
Dr. Dean, who can scream louder, you or Roger Daltry? I mean, you've got the energy, the passion, the itinerary, but Roger's got amplifiers and cool background music like, Won't Get Fooled Again.
Is it true you can scream louder than the engine on a Boeing 747?
"I don’t know about Daltry. But let me address this to all of my friends, plus all the other blue collar Americans who struggle under Republican rule. Remember folks, when you buy a jet airplane, buy American!!"
Question: Posted by Lily
I understand you take issue with questions about your patriotism. To lay those charges to rest once and for all, can you name and do you know the words to our national anthem?
ARRRgh. Spit. Shudder.
“You think I don’t know the words to honor the land that I love? Shut up and listen! Ahem. Ahem. Ohhhhh. Can-a-da!!!..."
RWD slumps over. The spirit of Dean is gone.
Remember kids. Drink Diet Coke.
Ladies and Gentlemen,
I ran out of Diet Coke this morning. The store only had Diet Pepsi, and being that Pepsi is the middle finger of the soda world I had to look for another drink there at local Mexican Mercado (That means market for you Other Than Mexicans).
Anyway, the only other drink they had was Peyote Light. Now with Splenda. Unbeknownst to me - Peyote has special mystical powers. And a fresh fruity aftertaste.
That's right. RWD is now channeling the spirit of Howard Dean!!!
THIS IS YOUR CHANCE!!
Ask me anything you would want to ask Howard Dean!! I'll post answers to the best questions later today.
Quick before this wears off!! Do you want to know what Howard Dean is thinking!!? I have the answers!!
(Takes a sip)
Hmmm. Peyote Light check your local grocer for availability.
P.S. I had some leftover exclamation points. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (and a 4)
And All This Demonstrates Is How Clueless They Are About the Durbin Issue
Liberals are trying to manufacture outrage over Karl Rove's statements of:
Conservatives saw the savagery of 9/11 in the attacks and prepared for war; liberals saw the savagery of the 9/11 attacks and wanted to prepare indictments and offer therapy and understanding for our attackers.
I'm afraid I'm stating the obvious, but, the reason the liberals shaking their tiny fists in impotent rage won't results in an apology are two-fold:
1. What Rove said is true without hyperbole.
Nice try, but no banana, muckadoos.
June 23, 2005
3^2-th Carnival of Comedy
Welcome to The 3^2-th Carnival of Comedy
Short intro this week and yes I know the carnival is later than advertised. And for good reason. What is the good reason? Exactly.
We are asking for constructive criticism on the entries this week, so I numbered the entries to make it simpler to reference the ones you are giving the critique of.
Constructive criticism is what we are looking for here.
If you as a submitter to the carnival don't want to read criticism of your work, don't read the comments.
If you as a reader love an entry, comment in both places assuming they have comments.
Surf with care this week as I have not previewed all the posts for content. There may be some profanities or vulgarities might encounter that there are no warnings about. I wanted to review them for the first time after posting the Carnival.
Ok short intro got long. Several multiple submissions this week. On with the Carnival of Comedy #3^2 i.e. 9. Now with more and improved reader feedback!
1) Dana at Northshore Politics says criminals need to just Curl up and dye She submitted it twice for good measure.
Thanks for taking part in the 9th Carnival of Comedy. Your comments welcome.
Info on entering the Carnival of Comedy can be found here.
Manufactured With Pride in the USA
While reading Blackfive, I noticed this:
"What Durbin faced [in reaction to his comparison of US troops to Nazis] was the bubbling up from the blogs and the pounding of the drums," said Daou, who first began monitoring the bloggers and feeding them information when he worked for Sen. John Kerry's presidential campaign. "This is a political tool, and it's manufactured outrage, it's feigned outrage, and it's extremely effective."...
Yes, it IS extremely effective.
Because since 2002, IMAO has consistently manufactured only the highest quality outrage. Accept no inferior substitutes!
Made to the most exacting specifications at our state-of-the-art production facilities in Florida, Wisconsin, Alabama, and California, ALL our outrage is 100% American made from the finest pique, fury and indignation.
Looking for peevishness, huffs, or hissy-fits? Try France - because you won't find any of that girly crap here.
When you shop from the IMAO catalog, you'll find only durable, long-lasting products, such as acrimony, anger, bile, gall, hatred, ire, rage, wrath, and the occasional blood-oath of vengeance.
Why settle for petty peevishness when you can have black-hearted murderousness?
For all your manufactured outrage needs, think quality.
OR WE'LL STRANGLE YOU DEAD! RARRR!
My Book - Inside IMAO
Ladies and Gentlemen,
I'm excited. In fact, I haven't been this excited since Howard Dean was chosen to lead the DNC. (Sigh, let's take a moment to count our blessings)
Anyway, I've been watching TV lately - which is not something I typically do. I saw that that some of the Jackson jurors were writing books. Really, what is there to say?
Interviewer: So you wrote a book?
Juror: Yes, it's called "Please, We're Really Not a Bunch of Idiots. Stop making fun of us."
Interviewer: Did you get help with the big words.
Juror: No, I was able to... hey!!!
To top that- Runaway Bride Jennifer Wilbanks, the only woman to have a bridal party AND a search party, has announced that she will be selling her story. Really. I can just picture those chapter titles now...
"Tips for how to cut your own hair"
"Faking it. No the other faking it. The disappearance."
"False accusations - maneuvering the PC landscape"
Yes, she's selling her story and making a pretty penny. All after having settled with her county over the reimbursement of search party expenses.
So why am I excited? Opportunity!! Here now is a major announcment.
Announcing RWD's new book "Inside IMAO. A tell all book by someone who knows nothing."
This 20 page book (with 15 drawings by my daughter) will feature never-before-seen information about the crew at IMAO.
You'll read scathing truths such as...
SpaceMonkey has never been in space but has indeed watched the 70's Disney hit, Return to Space Mountain 14 times.
SarahK is really from Brooklyn. She studied her Southern accent from the now defunct Berlitz School of Southern Drawls.
Harvey was in the Navy, but only after coming in second for the Sailor spot in the Village People.
SarahK once had a cat stuck in her car engine. And it's still there. She feeds it and has named it Reva.
Frank J. failed his black belt test for Monkey Fu - for flinging poo.
In college, SarahK once dated Michael Moore.
Photoshop "expert" Kevin, doesn't know photoshop at all. He stalks the streets of his hometown looking for models who actually look like those pictures. He promises fame and fortune then dumps them on the corner.
RWD is allergic to Mexican food. Oh, wait. that's me. Never mind.
Frank J. lost his NRA membership when he insisted that God was asking him to carry out his vengeance. It was reinstated 2 days later when he promised to use only small caliber bullets.
Joe Foos was the only Marine drafted for Iraq after Frank J. issued his local congressman a 'double dog' dare.
Actually, Foo volunteered - just in case Foo is much bigger than RWD and doesn't have a sense of humor.
In order to win SarahK's love. Frank J killed a dog. When questioned by authorities, he claimed, "I'm with PETA and I don't believe animals should be wearing fur."
PLUS THERE'S MORE!!!!
Scott, our podcast producer, is on a rehab program after an addiction to Menudo. Not the food, the Mexican boy band.
FrankJ once considered moving to California to take advantage of the Freeway Shootings.
In college, Frank J once dated Michael Moore.
ALL THIS AND MORE. So screw the Harry Potter books. THIS is top notch entertainment.
Available as soon as I can get a publisher to return my calls.
I'll See Ya Later
Forgot about how I'm having a little vacation and really don't have time for posting today or tomorrow. I wanted to run with the idea of targeting some innocuous Democrat for an apology on a non-controversial statement, but that will have to wait until Monday unless someone else wants to pick it up (I haven't even had a chance to read the comments to the post).
June 22, 2005
With all the hubbub about terrorists being tortured at Gitmo, the pansy Republicans agreed to shut down the detention facilities.
Not wanting to be accused of exacerbating the homeless problem, they started handing out government grants to encourage the creation of private detention facilities.
I checked it out - $50 per month per terrorist. That's some sweet cash!
So I figured I'd make a little money on the side by starting my own concentration camp, "Harv's House O' Happy Hebrew-Haters". All I had to do was keep these wacky Muslims from either escaping or complaining to Amnesty International and I'd make enough money to get that cool new PornStation Portable I'd had my eye on.
It seemed like a good idea at the time, but - as you can tell from the security tape excerpts in the extended entry - it... could've gone better...
HARV: Good morning HHHHH'ers! I'll turn on some screechy, atonal, ethnic music to help soothe your savage homicidal tendencies.
ABDUL: AIEEEEE! Stop torturing me with that horrible noise!
HARV: (muttering) Crap! There's the "T" word! I'll never get my PSP if word of this gets out! (normal voice) But it's "Mecca and the Mohammeds!" It's got all those twangy sitars and people going "ULULULULULU!" that you jihadis like so much.
ABDUL: You KNOW what I want to hear...
ABDUL: SING, infidel!
HARV [in best Britney voice]: Oops!...I did it again
HARV: In order to obtain your "Civilized Human Being" certification, you have to complete several excercises. The first is to write "I will not blow people up" 1000 times on this chalkboard.
JAMAL: 100 times.
HARV: You're supposed to go UP, not DOWN, you idiot!
JAMAL: You called me a name! I'm telling Amnesty International!
HARV: Fine. 50. Here's your chalk.
HARV: NOW what?
JAMAL: Chalk dust is a carcinogen, just like second-hand smoke!
HARV: Chalk dust is completely harmless!
JAMAL: You're a torturer! AND a tool of Big Chalk!
HARV: Have you been watching Truth.com commercials again?
HARV: Ok, Khalid, here's your drink...
HARV: But it's Mecca Cola! The kind with real camel pee!
KHALID: There's no ice.
HARV: There! Two cubes.
HARV: For God's sake! NOW what?
KHALID: Too much ice. It'll get watery. Oh, and you took the Lord's name in vain. Put my drink in a Betty Boop Freezer Mug or I'll tell SarahK on you!
At this point I snapped and beat them all bloody with my Louisville Slugger.
I have to go to a Siberian Gulag for sensitivity training next week, but at least I found out where Osama's hiding. Figure I can trade the information for a PSP.
We Are Powerful and Our Enemies Are Weak
This post from Kos made me realize that we, the right-wing bloggers, haven't quite gloated enough at the success of the right-wing noise machine which we are becoming a bigger part of. As soon as I heard Durbin's remarks, I knew he would end up running away with his tail between his legs... and we would force him to it! Still, all the left-wing blogs supported Durbin's remarks, but, despite Kos having even more traffic than Instapundit, the left-wing blogs are weak and impotent. We, though, are the powerful and can get any result we desire! Everyone stop and gloat in the comments about our power while mocking our enemies.
Now, to test our power, I think we should see if we can make a groundswell of anger against something a Democrat says that's completely uncontroversial. Any ideas who to target? Preferably someone who is normally not in the news so it will come completely out of left-field. Let's put the fear of God in them!
UPDATE: I think we should identify who is the most undistinguished Democrat Congressman and attack him or her. That would make the best test. Any idea who that would be? I guess, in theory, it should be someone you aren't able to name off the top of your head.
UPDATE2: I have heard of this Senator, but she seems innocuous enough. Now I need a totally uncontroversial recent statement she's made that we can demand an apology for.
Sometimes Problems Solve Themselves
Apparently, insurgents are now killing each other. I think this is a good idea. They should be killed, but it saves us time and ammo if they do it themselves. I hope this meme spreads. Maybe the oppressive Iran regime can fight the oppressive North Korean regime ("Poofy beards! Not poofy hair!") and kill each other off. What would be really cool if suicide bombers turned on each other. Then we might have bomb-laden cars having head on collisions with other bomb-laden cars. That there is entertainment!
Carnival of Comedy Reminder
There's a comedy carnival coming to town.
But are you part of it?
Will you be one of the people who say
Well, you can't blame me for not telling you!
Or you might be one of the people who are afraid to enter because you think you aren't funny. You are probably right. You probably suck.
Well, you might suck. But enter anyway. This time I think we should have an open discussion about the quality of the entries.
Not just "that post sucked" or "that post was great", but real advice on what could be done to improve an entry. Perhaps you feel an entry was too funny and you think you need some form of compensation for your sides splitting open, which parts you are alleging to be comedicly injurious to you.
People like feedback and seeing that many comedy writers are, in fact, people or at the very least know people, this is something some of them might appreciate.
Tell us. We can take it, we're like grown-ups and stuff. Some of us anyway.
So I dare you to enter the Carnival of Comedy.. I dare you.
Chicken. Yellow. Skeeerdycat.
Prayers for a Soldier
An Army Officer and fellow blogger was injured by an IED. He's in stable condition, thank God, but please keep him and his family in your prayers.
Thank you, Chuck, for being out there and doing the work you do. I hope you know we are so sincerely grateful for all you have done.
Iraq is still a very dangerous place; I don't write of everything I hear from my brother, but suffice to say our troops need God watching over them a lot of the time. If it's not bombs targeting civilians, it's specially placed IEDs to kill the troops. It gets me so mad some times, but there's not much I can do. It's people like Chuck and my brother who are out there helping settle the place and killing those bastards. God bless them all.
UPDATE: Chuck's wife has an update on his condition plus a message for those who want to pull the troops out immediately.
In My World: Sign of the Times
"Hold the ladder steady, idiot!" Bush yelled as he waved his hammer.
"Shouldn't other people be doing this?" Scott McClellan questioned as he tried to hold the ladder outside the entrance to the Senate chambers.
"If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself," Bush answered as he continued his work. "I wonder if Durbin's apology will have any effect on the crazies he stirred up?"
* * * *
"Even one of their own Senators say they are like Nazis!" yelled one Muslim, "We are justified in killing the Americans and those who support them!"
The others Muslims nodded in angry agreement.
One Muslim came running up to the others. "Senator Dick Durbin apologized for his remarks!"
"Then it's not true that the Americans are like Nazis!" said one.
"We've been misdirecting our anger all along," said another.
"From now on, let's love and support America," proclaimed the head of the mob, "but, first, let's head to McDonald's and declare jihad... on our appetites!"
* * * *
"You know, I spoke very forcefully against Sen. Durbin's remarks," Scott said proudly.
"Yeah, but no one listens to you, Tubby," Bush answered as he continued hammering. "Now I just hope we can put this whole Gitmo debate behind us."
The hooded figure or Karl Rove emerged from the shadows. "Your poll numbers are down. This does not bode well."
"So what, Rover?" Bush replied, "Not like I'm running for anything."
"But we must keep people supporting you so they shall support all Republicans in turn. Then the Republican takeover can be complete and the prophecy fulfilled."
"I don't see why my poll numbers are dropping," Bush said, "I'm a real likeable guy and..." Bush spotted someone walking by and quickly leaped down from the ladder and grabbed him, slamming him up against the wall. "Thought you could sneak by me, huh?" Bush yelled in anger.
"No! No!" Senator Frist replied.
Bush slammed his hammer into the wall right next to Frist's head. "I want my up or down vote on Bolton! You hear me!"
"I'll get it for you! I promise!"
"You better! Or I'll just kill you and get myself a new Majority Leader in the Senate!"
Bush let go of Frist who quickly ran off. Bush then climbed back up the ladder. "As I was saying, I'm a likeable guy. Only people who are stupid and dumb would be against me. I think I'll go on the air and say that. People don't like being called stupid and dumb." Bush then grumbled to himself, "I know I hate it."
Rove sighed an unholy sigh and faded back into the shadows. Bush went back to work, but then stopped when he heard a strange noise. "What's that?"
"Conyers had so much fun doing a mock impeachment hearing," Scott explained, "that him and friends are now on the Capitol steps doing a full production of Rent."
"Sometime I think I'm the only sane one here." After a little bit more hammering, Bush climbed down the ladder to look at his work. Over the entrance to the Senate chambers was the sign, "NO CRYING ALLOWED."
"So that's it, then?" Scott asked.
"Yep," Bush answered, "I thought it was important to get that up before the vote on Bolton. One more Senator crying, and no one will ever respect America again. That's why I put this sign up... to help with our effort in the war!"
"Speaking of that," Scott said, "there were some issues I know Condi wanted to discuss with you on..."
"Bah!" Bush interrupted, "That's enough work for one day. Now let's go goof-off and eat Doritos like a jailed dictator."
D'oh! I knew there was something I forgot to link. It was Harvey's blogiversary the other day.
If you have yet to read this, I pity you. Yeah, it's now flogging a dead horse to link it now, but it is so hilarious.
I know I'm forgetting some stuff I meant to link to. Really, if you have something that you think needs linking on IMAO, you should probably e-mail someone other than me or SarahK as we're just so busy. I really need to get the other bloggers' e-mails up...
UPDATE: Here's a link for Dr. Phat Tony so he doesn't start crying like a U.S. Senator.
No, Virginia, We're Not Nazis
I hope you're all happy. You made Durbin cry.
I was in the "an apology isn't enough" crowd, but to see him there eating all his words and defenses of his words has taken a bit of the wind out of me. Actually, it seem like we succeeded in neutering him. Perhaps he'll have to give back his award.
Thanks go to Mayor Richard Daley for being the only prominent Democrat to codemn Durbin's remarks. It's probably notable that Daley's son is in the Army.
In a somewhat related note, in a conference I'll be attending soon I may have an opportunity to speak to George Clooney. Do you think I'd be crossing the line to tell him that the move Batman and Robin was worse than the Holocaust?
I liked Ocean's 11, though.
* * * *
Citizen Smash, who served in this war, has this to say.
June 21, 2005
Please Notice That "Humor Blogs That Turn Into Group Blogs" Didn't Make the List
Beejay of The Day Lee Misadventures has a list of the Top Ten Most Annoying Types of Blogs/Bloggers.
I'm guessing she had the Puppy Blender in mind when she wrote #2.
Go ahead & call me crazy, but read Glenn's latest "look at my new $1000 TV set" post before you do.
Sen. Durbin Should Face More Than Censure But Should Not Be Forced Out of the Senate
An Editorial by Frank J.
It's an interesting debate on what dissent is responsible in time of war. We now have no problem defeating the enemy on the battlefield; our only weakness is our resolve. The terrorists know this, and hope to make the dissenters in our own country loud enough that we give up. Thus, irresponsible speech against America and its military gives comfort to the enemy that their attacks are working. At the same time, pointing out a legitimate fault might have the same effects. So when does speech cross the line from valid criticism to aiding the enemy? Perhaps, as Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart said about pornography, "I'll know it when I see it... and be even more sure the second time."
"Finally, the public gets to wait in line to pummel him with wiffle ball bats."
Anyway, Senator Durbin should be neutered. What he said didn't come even close to responsible speech; he might as well start asking Al Qaeda for pay as a PR agent. Censure isn't enough for that, so I think neutering is a good start. If Durbin were to produce little Durbins, obviously no one would want them. Thus neutering Durbin is the humane thing to do plus sets a good example for pet owners.
Next, a metal garbage pail should be put over his head, and all the other senators should take turns hitting the pail with a stick. Hopefully, this can be done in a bipartisan way. After that, he'll be dazed and confused. This will be a good time to dress him up in a tutu and parade him through the streets. If he mumbles something about his treatment comparable to what the Nazis did, make sure the crowd on the street has plenty of tomatoes and eggs.
When Durbin is marched back to the Senate hall, next should come the old tradition of ripping off his Senator badge and forcing him to eat his own poo. Finally, the public gets to wait in line to pummel him with wiffle ball bats.
All of this should make it quite clear that Durbin's slander was inappropriate, thus there is no reason to then kick him out of the Senate. Instead, he should be given a job as cashier at the Senate's cafeteria so he can still talk to his Senate friends but not be able to vote on legislation (unless there's some obscure rule where the cashier at the cafeteria gets to make a deciding vote in some situations - which there could be since I don't even know the non-obscure Senate rules).
I think we can all agree this is a reasonable and appropriate punishment for Dick Durbin. Let's get the Senate to start voting on it as we pick out a trustworthy veterinarian to neuter him.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as "Rap Music and Pol Pot: The Untold Story" and "Fun Things to Do While Chained to the Floor in Gitmo".
Time to Spread the Word
The IMAO team is still really pumped about doing these podcasts despite all the work they entail and see them as the next big thing. We now even have a promo for the latest podcast you can download here. If you like IMAO podcasts, then please send this to everyone you know to help get the word out about the next big thing in blogging.
There are people who have listened to and enjoyed our podcast and not voted for it at Podcast Alley. If I had not told you these were IMAO readers, you would most certainly believe these non-voters were Nazis, Soviets in their gulag, or some mad regime - Pol Pot or others - that had no concern for podcasts. If you don't help support the podcast, I'll cut back on funny posts and instead just cat-blog.
I'll be like: "Look at this picture of my cat!"
And you'll be like: "Ahh! I hate cats! Get to the funny!"
And I'll be like: "Look. She's hiding in a box. Isn't that cute?"
And you'll be like: "I want to gouge out my eyes!"
And I'll be like: "Hey! She knocked over a lamp! I'll kill her!"
And you'll be like: "Yes! Kill! Kill! I demand blood for my entertainment!"
And so on. Don't let that happen. Instead, DO AS I TELL YOU!
Go vote for the IMAO podcast (you can do it once a month at Podcast Alley) and e-mail the promo to everyone you can think of saying, "I got this at the bestest site ever - IMAO.us!"
Be honorable, ronin.
June 20, 2005
A War on the Blog War
There is an article at Blogcritics criticizing The Alliance - something which I created a long time ago and then forgot about when I got bored, eventually letting Harvey take it over. Susie, who I haven't linked to in a dreadfully long time, defends the honor of The Alliance!
(insert battle cry of the Alliance here which I now forget; probably something about the puppy blender)
Find the Nazism
This is from Uber's comment to this post, and I thought it was worth everyone having a gander:
I have composed the list of supposed "sever human rights abuses" by services members according to Oasis who uses a Times article as proof.
In my Father's Day post I wrote that my father "used to break into cars in South Central L.A. to support my mom and little Joe foo'. He even strangled a guy in prison."
For the curious, here's the context that was lacking:
My dad worked for Ford Motor Credit, part of his job was repossessing cars at night in South Central L.A. with his retired-Marine partner. Since many of the cars were used, they didn't have keys to them and had to break in them. I mentioned this in Yvonne's Ashes (though I believe he stopped doing repo work before I was born).
As for the second part, it was more "choking" than "strangling." When my father was younger, he had a job as a prison guard at a minimum security prison. Once, one of the prisoners attacked him, so my dad choked the guy unconscious and handcuffed him to a radiator.
He might still be there.
The Maverick Awards
I’ve been reading a lot of Michelle Malkin lately. She’s great at tracking all these Republicans who turn on us. However, when people disagree with our conservative viewpoint, I believe that makes them heroes.
It is with that spirit in mind that I’d like to present, IMAO’s First When We Feel Like It Maverick Awards!! An award that is distributed whenever we feel like it.
This time around, we had so many wonderful candidates. One of the first nominations went to Carls Jr. for using an ad with Paris Hilton in a bikini washing a car – all while eating a burger. Not only is this accurate, I can’t tell you how many times I munch on a Big Mac while scrubbing the Hyundai, it blazed a trail for daring to use sex in advertising. WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT!!! Their next commercial has Hilton rubbing herself with BBQ sauce.
Our next nomination went to Newsweek. Technically,they’re not conservative, but they are indeed a brave magazine that stepped out and told the truth. Or what they thought was the truth. Or rather, what somebody who knows somebody who has a friend who thinks he slept with somebody who for sure might know something about Koran flushing. Newsweek stepped forward at a time when others sat on their hands waiting for facts. Newsweek is a true Maverick in every sense of the word. But they, like their ad sales and subscriptions, fell short. Have they considered using Paris Hilton?
One of our top nominees was John McCain - Honorary Democrat. What do you do when you have to wage a tough fight in the battle of Good versus Evil. Work out a solution. In a time when most politicians reach down into their pants and find nothing but classified documents, John McCain dropped his to show that he has no shame of anything. Whatsover.
However, in light of recent events, we here at IMAO would like to present the Maverick award to the bravest of all souls – Illinois Senator Dick Durbin. Dick stepped forward and had the courage to call our treatment of deadly terrorist evil – on par with the Nazis, the Soviets, and Pol Pot. This surprised the Gitmo Trainees so much – they almost spit up their glazed chicken.
We will now have an acceptance speech from Senator Durbin.
Thank you ladies and gentlemen. I see that you rolled out the red carpet. That reminded me of how Hitler used to roll out a carpet for the Jews when they first entered concentration camps. Pigs. However, I accept this award for all of my brave work in making Gitmo a better place for all those who wish us dead. I’d like to thank Howard Dean for all of his words of encouragement. I’d like to thank Al Jazeera network and CNN, without whom, much of this information would not have been brought to light. And also…
(Music starts to play. He starts to walk off stage in the wrong direction and is guided back by the onstage model)
(muttering) Sure, try to turn me around so I lose my bearings. Of course you would try something like that on me…
Thank you ladies and gentlemen for tuning in. As always, IMAO strives to bring you the very best in entertainment.
So, we’ll keep trying.
Time to End Gitmo
I think I just put my finger on what makes me so mad about Gitmo: I've been a law-abiding citizen paying my taxes, but I've never been given a free Koran and prayer rug by my government. But, try and kill some Americans, and it's "Pass the rice pilaf!"
I say we immediately take all our troops out of Gitmo and demolish it.
Kwazy Kafir Kaos!
I did some more research on Gitmo, and I found some activities that do seem a bit culturally insensitive to the murderous terrorists. This should probably stop, but, then again, it was their culture that led them to this point so maybe we should break it down.
CULTURAL INSENSITIVITY AT GITMO
* Fake Koran that, when you open it, squirts pig blood in your face.
* Sign to pray towards Mecca actually pointing towards Graceland.
* Rap music blared at detainees to help in interrogations are produced and preformed by Orthodox Jews
* Throwing cups of pee at detainees (I think there's something in their religion about not getting pee thrown on you).
* Not allowing the detainees a short "Michael Jackson Was Found Not Guilty" party.
* Forcing the detainees to go a whole month without being able to do some mindless act of violence.
* Having a non-Muslims touch a Koran - especially while beating a detainee with it.
* Mocking the detainees' religious beliefs such as asserting that murder is wrong.
* No dessert until the detainees eat all their pork chops.
* Displaying more than a fourth grade education in front of detainees.
* Adjusting the AC to extremes not allowed in the Koran.
* Shaving the detainees' beards but leaving a soul patch.
* Allowing unveiled female soldiers around detainees - who beat them up.
* Not allowing detainees their nightly naked pyramid.
The Fourth IMAO Podcast Forum
Comment on the podcast here (or send e-mails to its e-mail to possibly win a t-shirt). Remember to keep voting (someone wrote a bad comment about us on that site!) and spreading the word about how you love the IMAO podcast more than life itself.
Make sure to tell us what you don't like along with what you do so we can keep making these better.
June 19, 2005
Happy Father's Day
Thanks to all the Fathers out there, especially my mean old man. He's responsible for the sense of humor I have today. He also always worked hard for the benefit of my family. Back before I was born, he used to break into cars in South Central L.A. to support my mom and little Joe foo'. He even strangled a guy in prison. (both of those are true but lacking important context)
I guess I'm just trying to say I'm happy I had an influence like him while growing up and still have him today when I need someone to be mean and tease me.
June 18, 2005
Apology for the Stupids
Dick Durbin apologizes... FOR YOU BEING SO STUPID!
No, really. Here's the statement from his website.
Or maybe I just misread it... SINCE I'M SO STUPID!
I think even resignation isn't enough at this point. The only way Durbin could redeem himself now is if he were forced to eat his own face.
June 17, 2005
Time to Stop Nazism!
I don't mean just the playing of rap music, either. Look at this new project from Halliburton, the company Cheney has absolutely no financial ties to but promotes for purposes of pure evil (thanks to commenter Human for alerting me):
Reuters | June 17 2005
Did you see that, people? It will be AIR-CONDITIONED! That will only allow for more Nazi torture tatics like Senator Dick Durbin described. It's time we put a stop to this evil and demand that all prisoners be held in buildings with no AC. Someone start a petition!
One Final Note...
Here's a portion of that article...
I thought about it before I got over here, and feel even stronger about it now that it may be my reality. God forbid, if something happens to me over here, I do not want to be used by the likes of Phil Hansen in Seattle, Michael Moore, Gary Trudeau, or Ted Koppel, to make their political points against the war, the President, and finally the country, all the while saying "they support the troops". I have no doubt in my mind that Michael Moore would rather hear a report that 600 soldiers were killed last month in Iraq rather than 60 — but he "supports the troops". Anyway, are you aware of any list that is around that soldiers could put their name on so that if something happened, while understanding our families couldn't stop it, that these despicable phonies would be asked not to use our deaths to further their agenda that runs completely counter to why I volunteered to be where I am and counter to the real desires of 99 percent of the Iraqi people?
Much is said about the declining recruiting numbers in the Armed Forces. I don't know why the numbers would be down. They ban recruiters from visiting college campuses, they accuse recruiters of kidnapping, and they never fail to mention the latest abuses such as lukeward food and spotty cable reception. Sure, sometimes prisoners "fall" but that can't be helped.
However, this harping on recruiting numbers is unfair. Each month, there are many who DO step forward and follow their heart. To those of you who serve - thank you.
However, this article got me to thinking about a new law or regulation we could have for our military serving overseas.
The Final Letter Law
All servicemen and women serving in the Armed Forces shall write a letter - to be read at their funeral ceremony. The soldier/sailor/Marine/airman's final comments will be the final part of the ceremony. No comments from friends or family allowed afterwards.
This would be ideal. I could just see a military funeral now...
At the podium..
Rabid Lefty Mom: "My son hated the military. He did it because he had to and we were poor. Bush lied. I will not rest until Bush is put in prison for lying to the American people. Arrrrgh. (frothing at mouth)"
Chaplain. "And now, Lance Corporal Smith will read the Final Letter."
Letter: "Dearest friends. If you are reading this, then I guess things didn't go as well for me as I would have like. I want to thank my parents for raising me. I want to thank my friends and loved ones, who I hope are gathered here today. I want to thank my fellow Marines who stood by my side in combat and promised to be there for me no matter how lonely, tired, hungry or scared they were. I hope I served well.
Please know that I love my country. Of all the opportunities I could have followed in life, and being in America - I had many, the one that meant the most to me was the chance to serve, and to follow in the footsteps of those who wore the uniform and risked it all for a greater good. There are many who don't see the evils on the horizon. There are those who refuse to open their eyes and instead close them to see the world as they wish it to be. To those people I can only say that I saw it clearly, and I hope that you'll see it too one day before it's toolate. Friends, I know that one day we will meet again. Semper Fi.
Rabid Left Mother: Well. that's not true...SPLAT(Gets a pie smushed into her face by the Chaplain)
Chaplain: The dead are allowed the final word. Thank you all for coming. CNN is outside filming the war protesters. Here's the transcipt of the letter for Fox News.
I Forget Which Rap Music They Played in Schindler's List
Dick Durbin said that fiddling with the AC and playing rap music at Gitmo was akin to the abuses of the Nazis, Soviet gulags, and Pol Pot. I did some research, though, and found a number of abuses by the Nazis, Soviets, and Khmer Rouge that went way beyond that, calling into question the accuracy of Durbin's comparison.
ABUSES BY THE NAZIS, SOVIETS, AND KHMER ROUGE THAT HAVE NOT HAPPENED AT GITMO
* Shaving cream placed on prisoners hand while asleep and nose tickled.
* Male prisoners shoved into the women's bathroom while they were walking down a hall.
* 2-liter bottles of soda opened early to make sure they were flat when served.
* Shoe laces of prisoners tied together when the prisoners were not looking.
* Forced into watching of episodes of Wings.
* Showers did not include conditioner.
* Undercooked the honey-glazed chicken made for prisoner meals.
* Secretly placed "Kick me!" signs on backs of prisoners.
* In an extremely infamous incident, Pol Pot pulled the seat away from a dissident just as he was about to sit down.
* Forced labor and mass executions.
UPDATE: In fairness, I should note that I found no confirmed instance of a Nazi, Soviet, or member of the Khmer Rouge kicking a Koran.
Support Your Local Senator
Or denounce, him, as the case may be. Michelle Malkin has a great idea about calling our own Senators about Dick Durbin's remarks. I'll see what Republican Mel Martinez (who I voted for in both the primary and general election, so he owes me) and Democrat Bill Nelson have to say.
UPDATE: Done. Called both the D.C. offices and said I was very angry by Durbin's statment and would like the Senators to make it clear that, while you can argue against Guantamo Bay, such rhetoric as Durbin's is unacceptable. I urge everyone to do the same (but with your Senators).
UPDATE2: The latest from Durbin.
June 16, 2005
Carnival Of Comedy #
Ok maybe I've got a bad attitude. Maybe, it's the afteraffects of getting tranq'd, I dunno but I got a little snarky this week. So, if I hurt anybody's feelings, please, tell me about it in the comments.
No, I don't particularly care, I just want to know.
On to the Carnival. The 8th Carnival Of Comedy. Now with attitude!
If you are one of those happy folk that think using a single silly phrase repeatedly is high comedy then you are in for a treat and are going to frickin' LOVE The Evil Emperor Mindstation Goes To Washington
Do not disturb the Yogurt Tipper says the gravelly geezer - Saintly behavior in our time.
A Obama bin Yeaaarhg-in Caption Contest
Doc Rampage (man that graphic at the top is big) says Technogrexual's are really technoweenies
If you are put off by Joel Osteen's 'feel good' religion you'll like to know about the Jesus Seminar II
Personally, I believe this is just a blatant ripoff of "The Meat Market Manager and the Maroon Mittens". Maybe not, but, if you think stories about green gloves and grocers(hey that's alliteration!) are hilarious, put your drinks away when you read The Grocer and the Green Gloves.
This is kind of vulgar but at least its short, hah! you'll get it after reading Grexual healing or maybe my comment just wasn't funny.
Outrageous! - ACLU Condemns "Cruel & Unusual" plumbing at Gitmo.
Pictures and Words, together! And the kicker is the words are about the pictures! The Weekly Monitor - 6/10/2005 Actually rather funny. And don't mean that in a Dan Rather kind of way.
Some people need to just Tone It Down at work.
I'd quess a lot of cattle farmers wished this was accurate. - Cows 4 Sale.
I'l let it speak for itself. New Anorexia Cure Touted, Pizza Futures Soar.
Typical mail - B-Cack Goes Postal.
An army of TWO. - Massive Commie/Hippie Invasion Halted in Small Town, Jesusland .
Bad teeth from a bad habit - That Is So NOT Fabulous.
I can't Gitmo, though I try...
Read the Gratuitous Cajun Joke or maybe it was a jeauxke.
Jim deserves an award for this Trophy Inflation post. Shoot, you guys all deserve one.
Gooood advice from Phin with Things every man should know. You listening, Frank J?
Citizen Grim is a visionary and also a, whats the word for someone who see what's not here, now? anyway here is: Bush's Poll Numbers Directly Tied to Lack of Initiative on Flying Cars
Drop out now! be agGazzillonaire like me! IGuru (Steve Jobs) Began His iCampus Crusade
A aromatic tale starring stinky cheese, Instapungent. And his entry has no profanity this time, how 'bout that Ellison?!
Hmmmm. Late Night Thoughts
Jacko is backo. Michael Jackson and NAMBLA Jointly Celebrate Victory
Future history is so yestermorrow: The War of 2007
I hate the title. Michael Jackson Gets Off!
Dean: Republikans are all white criminals I know I'm one.
Breaking News: Zombie Fatty Arbuckle Attacking Neverland Ranch
100 percent pre... - ok now, I'm confused. I Don't Get It Who does?
[Language, Grexual Storm/Scout Trooper Photo.]Wilbanks Book Deals
Those who are soon to be parents, we salute you!
Caption the monkey. Wednesday Caption Contest: Part 10.
Hooray! The First! Official Gay-List! I edited his title. See if you can figure out what I did.
Ground Control, Where is Kim Yong? Answer? he's il.
That does it for this week. Thanks for playing, reading, linking, laughing and putting up.
Again compliments on the carnival are welcome in the comments.
Suggestions for making the Carnival better and recommendations for where to stick/shove/[bleep] the Carnival will be tolerated in the comments but snarked at as deemed appropriate.
Next week's Carnival of Comedy will be here again. Yay!
Update: Now with Instalanch-edness
It's Under Construction
The Carnival is under construction, after being off for two weeks I am an idiot.
That's right, you heard me, the vacation didn't change anything.
Anyway, it will be up (why do we always say 'up'?) sometime while it is still the day called Thursday.
Sorry, I know how everyone plans their Thursdays around the Carnival Of Comedy now that Friend was canceled but that's just the way it is. Sorry.
Wow, that was a big one!
RightWingDuck here with breaking news available only to me and the millions of people who live here in Southern California. We just had a pretty good earthquake.
What do you guys do when you have an earthquake?
Well, in grammar school, we learned to get under the tables and cower in fear, with our hands over our heads (better than a helmet baby). Nowadays, what we do is we look at each other asking, "Is that an earthquake? Are you shaking the table? No? Then it's an earthquake."
There's always one person who panics and shrieks so loud it frightens all your coworkers. Sorry about that. Then, the next step is to guess how strong it was and turn on the news to see if you were right.
I could never live in California. Those earthquakes are scary.
What's it feel like afterwards?
How strong was the earthquake?
How strong is THAT?
Where have you been, lately?
Why do you live in California?
Trying to Save a Life
Reader Katie e-mailed me this:
I don't know if you've seen on Drudge the story about the young Catholic woman with brain cancer who's being kept alive until she can bring her baby to term. It's being slowly picked up by different MSM outlets. Jason Torres, her husband, went to high school with me, and his mom is a friend of my family's, so it's personal for me. He's had to quit his job to stay by her side. Their medical bills are about $7,500 a day and they're looking to at least mid-July before they can deliver the baby, assuming the cancer doesn't spread to her uterus. I was hoping maybe you could help spread the word through the blogosphere. Faith and Action have set up a fund to help with the medical costs, so it's all tax deductible and such. If you can help, that would be wonderful.
I don't even know what to say about this, other than that I'll have the Torreses in my prayers. If you have some money to spare, please help out. If not, at least say a little prayer. It makes a difference.
Strike Me Down and I Will Become More Powerful Than You Can Possibly Imagine
We need constructive criticism to keep improving the IMAO podcast, so definitely tell us what you didn't like of the third one. Also, if you like it at all, I'd appreciate if you vote for us so we can keep some movement in the podcast community.
BTW, still just a little time left to enter the contest for this week and win a t-shirt.
A Hate-Filled Lefty comic is ready for posting and will be up a little later today.
June 15, 2005
Relax It Wasn't Me
Though, when I first read the headline, I'll admit I was a bit disoriented. I didn't recall being seized. What was going on here? Was I taken by surprise by some cowardly animal control agents?
I assumed maybe, I'd been tranq'ed which might explain my not remembering. But when I finally realized I wasn't groggy, my suroundings were familar. And I finished reading the rest of the article it dawned on me,
I was safe,
A Tenderly Dedicated Poetical Ode to the Peculiar and Unpredictable Nuances of Political Speech as Occasionally Put Forth by the Former Governor of Vermont and Current DNC Chair, Howard Dean
Howard Dean, a man insane
"Lazy! Shiftless! Liars, too!
"Torture children! (call it "spanking")
"Foul the air! Pollute the skies!
Appoint black judges! Women too!
"Christian bigots! Muslim haters!
"I just want them all to die!
Dick Durbin is a Dick!
Look at this quote from Senator Dick Durbin on the Senate floor last night:
On one occasion, the air conditioning had been turned down so far and the temperature was so cold in the room, that the barefooted detainee was shaking with cold. ..... On another occasion, the [air conditioner] had been turned off, making the temperature in the unventilated room well over 100 degrees. The detainee was almost unconscious on the floor, with a pile of hair next to him. He had apparently been literally pulling his hair out throughout the night. On another occasion, not only was the temperature unbearably hot, but extremely loud rap music was being played in the room, and had been since the day before, with the detainee chained hand and foot in the fetal position on the tile floor.
Yeah, I remember the horror stories of the lack of air conditioning in the Nazi concentration camps (who wants to bet my brother in Iraq is dealing with hotter weather right now in his un-air conditioned tank?). Pol Pot, though, loved to turn up on the AC on his dissenters, that monster! Oh, and then there was the notorious use of the Notorious B.I.G. in the Soviet gulags.
I'm sorry; not only is this nuts for a Senator - a U.S. Senator - to say, but it would even be exceptional on the Democratic Underground. Some Republican Senator needs to show resolve and smack Durbin around the Senate floor until he gets some sense to him. Or we can send him to a gulag in North Korea to listen to rap music in an overly air conditioned room.
(Heard this from Rush Limbaugh who heard it from a caller who heard it from Laura Ingraham; got text from The American Thinker. Why isn't this lunacy getting more press?)
No! Now there are new questions about Kofi being involved with bribery because of an e-mail, but I can't believe he could be involved in such things. Yes, his son Kojo is a no goodnik, but I just can't imagine Kofi is corrupt. It would just darken my whole world view.
I new Kofi since I was a kid. We'd always play catch in the park. Also, we did this fun game where he's secretly give me an envelope and then I'd deliver to some men in suits at the other side of the park. And then me, my brother, my sister, and Kofi would play tag. Sometimes Carter would show up, and I'd beat him with a whiffle ball bat until he revealed the nuclear launch codes. He was no longer president, so it was all in good fun.
My Mom didn't like me hanging out with Kofi, but she just worried too much. She didn't know Kofi like I did and how'd he bring boxes of foreign aid over to the park for me and my friends to snack on. Strangely, my dog always growled at Kofi, and she never growled at anyone. "Stop trying to bite Kofi!" I'd have to yell at her. My dad's opinion on the whole matter was that I should fetch him a beer from the fridge.
Anyway, I just can't believe Kofi is corrupt and would abuse his power. Sure, he once strangled a man in front of me, but I'm pretty sure he was a bad man.
Oh, those wistful summer days hanging out in the park with Kofi; I wouldn't trade them for all the oil in the world.
The Deadliest Place on Earth
SarahK and I (who now have season passes to Disney World) had just recently been on that ride the boy died on yesterday. It's a mission to Mars simulator where Gary Sinise of Forest Gump and Apollo 13 fame plays mission control, and, at no point he told me I risked death. I tend to trust him since he plays a no nonsense Marine on CSI: NY. I had fun, but one woman (you go in groups of four) wasn't hitting her buttons at the appropriate moments and risked the entire mission.
After the ride, SarahK felt a bit queasy and had to sit down. To me, it was about as intense as a rocking chair (a good rocking chair).
Anyway, they've already reopened the ride. Maybe the Epcot center can now start selling "I survived Mission: Space" t-shirts.
Oh, and apropos to nothing, you know how they make Mickey the central character of everything at Disney? But, has anyone in the history of time ever said, "Mickey is my favorite Disney character!"? I mean, he has like no defined personality, and even Pluto is at least ten times more interesting.
If one day it's revealed the Mickey is a serial killer, I would not be that surprised. After all this time of seeing him, I know nothing about him and anything is possible with that overgrown mouse.
I Read Every One of Your Comments and Don't Charge Anything
A few notes and asides:
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We're busy at work on the fourth podcast. Please keep giving us constructive criticism as we continue to retool, and vote for us here so we can begin to take over the podcasting world. All you need is a valid e-mail to confirm your vote. You don't want our goon squad to come after you.
Be honorable, ronin.
U.S. Senate Apologizes to Dead People for Not Making Murder Illegal Enough
Washington D.C - Senator Mary Landrieu (D - LA) was the proud sponsor of a recently passed non-binding resolution apologizing to victims of lynchings for not passing Federal anti-lynching legislation.
"It's the least we could do," said Sen. Landrieu, "these dead people need to hear that it's the Senate's fault - in a non-binding way, of course - that they're dead. I mean, if killing someone would've broken two laws instead of just one, none of this ever would've happened."
"She sho'nuff got dat right," said James Cameron, an African-American who survived an attempted lynching in 1930. "Dey was gonna hang me between two other colored boys, but den I says to 'em, "Y'all don' wants to be lychin' me! Dem Senators up in Washington, I hear tell dey done passed dem a anti-lynchin' bill! Y'all be breakin' TWO laws if'n ya hangs me!""
Terrified at the prospect, Cameron's attackers let him go.
"Dey was all scared and wettin' dey pants!" chuckled Cameron. "Dey din't knows dat I just be lyin' to 'em to gets 'em to let me go."
When asked if the Senate has plans to make future meaningless non-apologies to people for not doing things that wouldn't have made a damn bit of difference anyway, Sen. Landrieu replied with optimism.
"In the future we hope to apologize to Senator Robert Byrd for not passing a law to keep him from getting senile." said Landrieu.
Currently there has been no word on whether the Senate intends to apologize to Michael Moore for letting Twinkies make him fat.
June 14, 2005
Don't Forget Carnival of Heh-fulness!
Don't forget the next Carnival of Comedy is coming up Thursday! Spacemonkey(I) is(am) hosting this week. Hey! You actually were forgetting about the carnival weren't you? Don't try to deny it. I can sense these things. Oh yes, it's true.
Oh yeah, I think I'm going to treat this weeks entries like a Bonfire. Because no matter how good they are they can't measure up to IMAO level funnyousity. Well, pre-group-blog IMAO anyway. And I can snark. I can be snarky, a snarky monkey.
And a big thanks to Harvey!
While I was at the beach last week getting my neck re-redded, you did a fine job on the carnival. Why, your insta-inspired Carnival of Comedy#7 with punchy, brief descriptions (some were one word or less!) impressed his blenderness into linking to it for the... what? He didn't link? Oh well, you did a fine job, anyway Harvey.
I read the whole thing.
Want more info about the carnival? Go here.
Getting The Word Out!
A silly dressed man is out spreading the Democratic message ala Governer-Doctor-Loser Howard Dean. I know you're probably thinking he's spreading, um, something smelly, but no it's not any sort of animal leavings.
Click the link if you like, but please, do yourself a favor and check your volume before you click this here link.
That kind of stuff would get you shot dead where I live.
Sometimes The Jokes Just Write Themselves
From the AP wires:
"'Food Force' [a new online game funded by the United Nations) puts gamers in command of a crack team from the World Food Program out to help the people of the fictitious island of Sheylan."
Fictitious countries are the only places a corrupt and worthless organization such as the U.N. would be effective in, wouldn't they?
Post your quips in Comments
Know Thy Enemy: Amnesty International
Amnesty International has been pestering the greatest country in the universe - America - for some time, so I sent my crack research staff to find out what they can about that strange organization.
FUN FACTS ABOUT AMNESTY INTERNATIONAL
* Amnesty International was co-founded by Eddie Amnesty and Louie International, and it was named after their fathers.
* It started out as more of a fight club, but eventually, as always happened, it evolved into an organization that tries to free political prisoners.
* Amnesty International has been around a really long time. Back in the Wild West, they made sure mob justice was at least sanitary.
* They still have a few unanswered petitions sent in about the Spanish Inquisition.
* After personally filing a complaint to a lion about its treatment of zebra, the resultant loss of limb convinced them to stick to abuses done by people.
* With all the murder, oppression, and horrors in the world today, they've decided the most pressing issue is America not giving terrorist prisoners free HBO.
* Oh, and they don't like America executing murderers. Hey, our murderers,
* I think technically they're against people being executed in other countries for simply practicing their God given rights, but why make a fuss?
* Amnesty International is still petitioning God to get a full account of the conditions in hell and what His trial process is.
* Since Amnesty International was created to focus on freeing political prisoners, apparently murdering children is now a political view.
* While huge atrocities are committed by other countries all the time, Amnesty International tends to focus on things to complain about in America as it is a much better country to hang out in.
* Amnesty International has been against Gitmo ever since they visited it once and an officer accidentally spilled bottle water on one of them which, by their account, is the worst possible form of torture.
* While they called Gitmo a "gulag," they also said the same thing about Denny's in their annual Amnesty International Dining Guide.
* Though they made a fuss about Koran treatment in Gitmo, they constantly play "Koran Ball" in their own offices.
* If you want to play yourself, all you need are four markers to mark the goals and the words of the prophet Mohammed.
* Soon they plan to file a big complaint about the U.S. and Iraq imprisoning Saddam simply for his political views of killing everyone who disagrees with him politically.
* In a fight between Aquaman and Amnesty International, Aquaman's phony trials without juries in Atlantis would go ignored since they can't be used to zing America in any way.
* If you are being attacked by Amnesty International, the best defense is to lock them up without a trial.
* If you have a good shovel, you can also hit them with a shovel.
* Once, Amnesty International unsuccessfully petitioned to free the contestants in Big Brother. If they can get more reality shows off the air, more power to them.
Take a Look at Yourself in the Mirror
I guess I should say something about Michael Jackson - and when I say "I guess," that means I could be wrong. I haven't followed all the details as it certainly wasn't my favorite news subject, but it's pretty clear that Jackson is cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. Whether is predlicition for kids is pedophilia of just plain weirdness, I dunno, but it's pretty clear someone didn't smack some sense into him when it could have done some good. I guess the only thing to hope for now is that the people around Michael Jackson will tell him to his face he's a wacko and better change his ways - but I doubt it.
The biggest tragedy here is that this guy is a father. Do those kids even have a chance?
Well, vent in the comments if you feel the need. I'll come up with some funny later today.
UPDATE: Liked a Leno joke I heard today: "The good news is that Michael Jackson was found not guilty on all counts." (mixture of cheers and boos from the audience) "The bad news is he's going to Disney World."
Happy Blogiversary, Michelle
Meant to link to this yesterday, but, anyway, Michelle Malkin celebrates one year as a blogger and does a quick year in review. There's a reason she shot up through the ranks so quick, and I'll certainly enjoy reading her blog over this next year.
That reminds me that IMAO turns three in less than a month; I'll have to think of something special...
June 13, 2005
Listen to the IMAO Podcast and Win Free Stuff!
Since Frank barely mentioned the fact that you can WIN FREE IMAO GEAR just by listening to the June 13th IMAO Podcast, I want to mention it on the blog and clear up some podcast misconceptions:
1) You don't need an iPod to listen to a podcast
If you want to win the free IMAO gear, you'll have to listen to the IMAO Podcast...
...I know that I'm the least funny blogger here, but there is a joke hidden in the above text that you'll only get if you listen to the IMAO Podcast for June 13.
Who's nuttier? Tom Cruise or H.G. Wells?
As we endure America's top action figure Tom Cruise's very public Scientology-fueled PR meltdown, let's not forget that he's supposed to be promoting his new movie.
Li'l Tommy's new movie is the second cinematic remake of H.G. Wells' War of the Worlds (unless you count Independence Day which is virtually the same idea). The remake is a major re-write of the original source novel so that Hollywood could pair Cruise with a leading lady that was shorter than he is...
Enough of the short jokes about Li'l Tommy; what's astounding to me is learning that Li'l Tommy's public behavior in 2005 is nothing compared to H.G. Wells' awful behavior in 1905. What's even worse is the fact that I had to learn this fact from a Canadian newspaper.
In My World: Democrat Destruction? Bush to the Rescue!
"Whatcha doing, Rummy?" President Bush asked.
"I'm writing a list of foreign leaders in the order I want them... uh... what's that word we use? Oh yeah... 'regime changed.' What's wrong about the word 'assassinate' anyway?"
"It's got that 'ass' in there and thus just doesn't appeal to people with family values," Bush answered. He then noticed the news playing on a T.V. nearby.
"Howard Dean's recent comments comparing anyone who ever thought of voting Republican to a pedophile have been called divisive by some," said the anchorman, "but Dean's supporters - now in the dozens if you don't include those committed to insane asylums - say he's just given the Democrats the strong voice they need."
"It's like Howard Dean is part of some insidious plot to destroy the Democratic Party," Bush mused. "Hey, Rover, you’re insidious; is this your plot?"
The hooded figure of Karl Rove emerged from the shadows. "I wish I could take credit for such terrible destruction of the enemy, but I had no involvement with this."
"Then it must be someone else insidious!" Bush declared, "I know - Hilary Clinton!"
"That would make no sense," Rove answered, "She needs the Democratic party for her evil, power-grabbing plans."
"Then who else could be behind this?"
"The internet was responsible for a lot of Howard Dean's popularity, and..."
"The internet!" Bush shouted, "I knew it! It's responsible for all the evil in the world. Now I need to get to the bottom of this Dean conspiracy!"
"Actually, the best strategy when your enemy is destroying itself is to stand back," Rove cautioned.
"But if the Democrats completely destroy themselves," Bush replied, "then it will be a one-party system... just like with the Communists. Then I'll be just like Chairman Mao... but I don't want to be Chairman Bush! I like being President Bush."
"I don't believe you're thinking rationally," Rove said.
"Not thinking rationally is what I do best!" Bush declared. "It's time I save the Democrats. You coming along, Rummy?"
"I'm busy, Moron," Donald Rumsfeld replied as he decided where to fit the French names on his list.
"Fine. I'll just drag along Scott as usual. He never has anything to do."
* * * *
"I always have things to do," Scott McClellan whined, "I have to explain to the press why the idiotic things you do are not idiotic."
"And I got a great replacement for you."
* * * *
"A magic eight ball?" exclaimed one of the reporters.
"I have the first question," said another as he picked up the black orb and shook it, "Will Bush agree to closing down Abu Grahib?" He turned the eight ball over and looked at the answer. "No."
"Now me," said yet another reporter as he grabbed the ball. "Will Bush still push for private accounts for Social Security?" He looked at the answer. "'Reply hazy, try again." The reported chucked the eight ball. "Stupid, slippery politicians!"
* * * *
"If we're going to fit in with angry liberals, we should have brought Rumsfeld's angry dog," Bush said. "They'd like him."
"He always bites me," Scott complained.
Bush laughed. "Yeah, that's funny."
"And why do you always get the porn star mustache disguise?"
"Be happy Alberto Gonzales lent you a poncho and sombrero to go with your Mexican mustache," Bush answered, "Now work on your accent while I work on my porn star attitude. We have to completely infiltrate these crazy lefties."
They worked their way into the crowed. "I hate working and like smelling bad," Bush said, introducing himself to one of the crazed liberals.
"Quiet!" he shot back, "Dean is about to speak."
Howard Dean walked out onto the stage, and there was a hushed awe among the crowd. Dean then started pounding the podium like a madman while screaming, "Rergerraw! Cerblergargh! Dean smash! Ragawerghaergh!"
"He says what we think!" squealed a liberal.
"I just want to say that back in the eighties, I voted for Reagan," yelled out one man, "but now I'm back with the Democrats and glad we can have someone who can speak with such energy!"
"He voted for a Republican!" Dean screamed, his face growing red with anger, "We don't want his kind here! Rip him apart! Kill! Kill!"
The other liberals descended on the one man, and blood began to splatter everywhere.
"We better be extra careful at not revealing ourselves, senor," Scott said with great worry.
"Horsefeathers!" Bush exclaimed, "We need to find who is behind Dean!"
"Can't you just accept the fact that he's a loon supported by other loons?" Scott pleaded.
"I never accept facts!" Bush declared. He then pulled off his porn star mustache and faced Dean. "It is I, President Bush, and I demand to know who pulls your strings!"
Dean flailed his hands in the air in rage. "Republican President! Kill! Kill!"
The liberals surrounded Bush and Scott, murder in their eyes. "Looks like we're going to be killed by crazed liberals, amigo," Scott said, "Not the obituary I wanted."
"We're progressives!" one shouted, becoming even more blood-thirsty.
Suddenly, a number of liberals were thrown out of the way. There in their midst now stood Chomps.
"Rumsfeld's dog has come to save us!" Scott exclaimed, "He'll... OW! GET HIM OFF MY LEG!"
"Hah! That's funny!" Bush laughed.
Howard Dean jumped down into the crowd and roared in anger. Chomps then faced him and growled the growl of The Guinness Book of World Record's angriest dog. Then they clashed.
"It’s our time to escape!" Bush said as he ran away.
"Wait for me!" Scott cried, limping.
"Each man for himself!" Bush answered.
"But I have the car keys!"
Bush ran back and put his arm around Scott to help him. He then quickly slipped the keys out of Scott's pocket and ran off again, causing Scott to fall to the ground. "Each man for himself!"
"No pay is worth this," Scott grumbled.
* * * *
Rumsfeld sat in his easy chair and worked on his list of foreign leaders. "So many foreigners who should not breathe our air," Rumsfeld growled.
Chomps came through the dog door and yawned an angry yawn.
"Tired out from kill'n, huh?" Rumsfeld asked.
Chomps curled up and went into an angry sleep.
"Might as well get some rest," Rumsfeld said, putting down his list. "Always more to destroy tomorrow."
And the Flag Wasn't There
My elderly neighbors across the street have a corner lot, and they've made good use of it by putting up a flagpole there. The Stars and Stripes are up every morning and down by nightfall. This morning the flag wasn't up. Instead, there was an ambulance in the driveway and men entering the home with a defibrillator. I knew there wasn't anything for me to do, but I just couldn’t head to work until I saw if they were all right. Eventually, the paramedics came out with the husband on a stretcher, and he was sitting up and looking alert, thank God.
Well, Sarah and I will check on the wife after work, but, if you have some time, I'd appreciate if you gave them some prayers. I've talked to them so many times (first time was me walking over to thank the husband for having the flag there and we talked a long time about the military and such), but I've forgotten their names, I'm afraid. Just pray for Frank's neighbors with the flagpole, and I'm sure God will know who you mean.
UPDATE: My neighbor is already back home and seems to be all right. Thanks for all the prayers.
Comment on Podcast 3
Comment here on the new podcast (or e-mail comments and questions in for the new contest). We really need your feedback to keep tuning the podcast until we get it extra-super perfect.
Don't forget to vote for IMAO if you love our podcast (which you will).
If your interested in the blogger phone conference with Bob Geldof, you can find the audio of it here (which includes many and my stunning questions and suggestions near the end of the hour).
June 11, 2005
For those who weren't listening to Rush Limbaugh Thursday and missed my call, the plan is to incoporate the audio of it into the podcast that will be coming out this Monday.
Also this next week, I have a great IMW boiling in my head and a new Hate-Filled Lefty comic (sure been a while since I've honored you all with my art).
Goon Squad: Point of Clarification
When Spacemonkey says you need to vote for the IMAO podcast or the IMAO Goon Squad will get you, you're probably thinking, "Oh, it's just a bunch of large, heavily-muscled men who'll beat the crap out of me. I'm not afraid of pain"
We at IMAO know that.
But we also know that you have... other fears.
Deeper, more primordial fears.
And we're not above using that to our advantage, as you can see in the extended entry...
Vote Or The IMAO Goon Squad Will Get You
Now I must warn you vote at podcast alley or the IMAO goon squad will get you.
Is there really an IMAO goon squad? I wouldn't take the chance if I were you, Mr or Miss (as the case may be) slacker-who-hasn't-yet-voted-for-the-iMao-podcast.
Vote while you've still got some unbroken fingers.
Capiche? Do it. Vote.
June 10, 2005
Celebrating the Koran's Versatility
I always knew that Glenn Reynolds was a heartless monster - what with his puppy blending, hobo-killing, satan-worshipping, robot-dancing, commie-lovin', Frank J. punchin', peeing on cats' heads... oh wait... that was Frank... penguin pornography, and lack of linkage to the Carnival of Comedy, even when it has a flattering Instapundit theme - but somehow I never expected him to post a list of ways that he's personally mishandled the Koran.
I mean, I knew he was a lawyer & everything, but that's just completely soulless.
UPDATE: That link to Instapundit isn't working, so I've put his entire post in the extended entry...
Heh. There seems to be some sort of kerfluffle about people abusing the Koran down in Gitmo - turns out it's the inmates. Sleeping on it like a pillow, kicking it like a soccer ball, peeing on it like a pregnancy test - things of that nature.
Personally, I don't understand the unpleasant reaction in the Muslim world. I say the imprisoned terrorists are just celebrating the amazing versatility of the Koran.
When most people think "Koran", they think "why do those stupid Arabs spell it with a Q?", but the Koran actually has a variety of uses beyond being a handbook of excuses to commit murder and blame it on God. In fact, here's a list of things I've used a Koran (or at least parts of it) for in just the last week:
* Propping up the short table leg
* Draining sweet, crispy bacon strips
* Emergency Swiffer cloth replacements
* Rolling papers (for legal tobacco use only, must be over 21)
* Making spitballs (just like the ones Democrats supply to the US Armed Forces!)
* Dusting Venetian blinds
* Cat box liner
* Third base
* Wheel chocks
* Picking random words for filling out Mad Libs
* Replacement air filter for my Yugo
* Kotex (well, technically, that was the Instawife)
* Litmus paper (turns yellow in the presence of gunpowder)
* Stadium seat cushion
* Making snowflakes
* Voinovich crying towel
* Clever means of hiding my Necronomicon whilst reading on the bus as I'm casing the vehicle for hobos
All in all an incredibly practical item. Truly the Swiss Army Knife of books.
Mucus In The News
Scientists discover the bottom of the ocean is a gross version of a Jerry Lee Lewis song. I give you the following,
Goodness, gracious great balls of...
Update: Woops, forgot to give ht to Shane at Kudzu who sent me this story of sinking sea snot.
Issue 25 - This Is Your Ocean on Drugs
It's your favorite man - AQUAMAN!!!
It's time to tell you all about my great adventures in DC Comics. I assume most of you are reading them, not being able to get enough Aquaman, but, in case some are so fool as to miss out on the tales of the world's greatest superhero, I'll brief you on some here.
I'll start with issue number 25 in the current series (the February '05 issue). Part of San Diego has fallen underwater and become Sub Diego. Thanks to my idiot friend Geist, many citizens are now gill-breathers. You'd think I'd be upset that there are now tons of people who can breathe underwater like me, but none of them can return to the surface. Ha!
Plus, they can't talk to fish.
Anyway, as the citizens now under my protection get used to their thrilling new way of life (there is nothing more thrilling than the sea), someone tries to upset things my introducing drugs to my ocean!
Here's the cover marking the beginning of a new series of adventures for me, Aquaman:
Here are some pages from this epic story:
You'll have to buy the full issue to see it all.
I'll be back soon with samples from the next issue.
This is Aquaman, signing off.
June 09, 2005
Music in the IMAO Podcast
I privately addressed the issue of why we don't use "public domain" classical music in the IMAO Podcast with one of our listeners that gave us feedback, but I wanted to get everyone on the same page:
Many of you already know that most classical music works by the great composers like Beethoven are in the public domain and therefore do not cost any money for us to use in a non-profit or commercial production.
However, if we used the Fort Worth Symphony Orchestra's rendition of Beethoven's Fifth as the theme music to the IMAO Podcast, we would need to pay the performance fee (called a "royalty") to the Fort Worth Symphony Orchestra for their performance of the song in the public domain.
Just because a song is in the public domain does NOT mean anyone can use it for free. The musicians should and must get their royalties for their contribution. All of the music we use in the IMAO Podcast is "royalty-free."
Some sharp listeners will ask "Did you pay for 'Relax' by Frankie Goes To Hollywood that you used in last week's podcast?" The answer is that by having Sarah sing only a tiny fraction of the original song (along with her own lyrics) and by not using the original recording, IMAO is not required to pay royalties under the Fair Use rules of copyright law. I'm sure there are probably some lawyers at BMI and ASCAP that would split hairs over what is Fair Use...
There's a 99% chance that we'll have new theme music for the June 13 IMAO Podcast, written and performed by a good conservative musician and blogger. More details when they become available.
Thanks for downloading and listening to the IMAO Podcast!
I Guess He Needs a Better Call Screener
Called into The Rush Limbaugh Show and am waiting to go on right now to talk about Bob Geldof...
UPDATE: I guess that was it; well, there I was on Rush's show. Anyway, the audio from the conference call with Bob Gledof is now available, so I recommend checking it out (you get to hear me there too, and not quite as nervous because I had no idea who Geldof was).
UPDATE2: Anyone know how I can get a recording of that for posterity's sake? Someone wouldn't happen to be a Rush 24/7 subscriber and get the podcast, huh?
UPDATE3: Have the call as an mp3 thanks to Master Shake. Will see about making it available for the curious.
"I Want to Thank All You Goobers for Voting Democratic!"
Since Howard Dean seems so intent on making statements to alienate everyone from the Democrat Party, I thought I'd be my usual helpful self and give him some new statements to help specifically insult everyone and everything:
Stay at Home Moms
Gun Owners and Blacks
Italians and Union Workers
The College Educated and Homosexuals
Pearls Before Swine
This is funny. A poster on DU starts talking sense about the idiocy of Dean, and everyone else freaks out.
Sometimes I really wonder who are these people that make up DU and how representative they are of the Democratic base. They keep running as fast as they can into brick walls, telling themselves how great their strategy is. If this is the competition for 2006, expect the Democrats to be extinct by 2008.
We need to stuff one for the Smithsonian Museum of Natural History.
Carnival of Comedy #7
Ever since I was a tiny Blogspotling, I've quested for the secret of blogospheric domination. Having studied Instapundit - the unquestioned overlord of the blogiverse since time immemorial - I think I have discovered that secret:
[NOTE - posts which include words or images that might make sensitive people feel squirmy will be marked with an "S"]
Two Dogs - Mean Ol' Meany - Mean Ol' Meany's Relationship Help-Line
Charles Jordan - [blogless] - Original Jokes:
They say that being dominated by a woman is one of a terrorist's worst fears. I say if it's good enough for John Kerry, it's good enough for a terrorist!
The Evil Emperor Mindstation - Point Five - Point Five Exclusive: Zarqawi Get Well Card Intercepted
Nickie Goomba - Nickie Goomba - U.S. Describes Even More Cases Of Koran Mishandling
Ferdinand T. Cat - Conservative Cat - CSI Schaumburg - Teaser for Episode 36, "It Takes a Village"
If you spot a typo or a broken permalink, pipe up in the comments.
And if you want to catch up with past editions, see the Carnival of Comedy page.
June 08, 2005
Top Secret Information!!
In Lodi, California, a father and son were arrested. The son had spent a summer in a terrorist training camp in Pakistan.
IMAO has obtained exclusive "real news" stuff. (Fake but accurate)
Here for your viewing is the key piece of evidence found by the FBI. A letter sent home by the son.
For some reason, it makes me sing a little tune in my head.
We went hiking. O’ man o’ man
They want us to kill all the invaders
How I don't want this should scare ya
Take me home, dearest Momma
Dearest faddah, darling muddah,
Wait a minute, please don’t rush.
See. Never let it be said that we just stand around making up stupid stuff.
Question of the Day
Did Kerry stall on releasing his military record because he was afraid he'd lose his intellectual status when people saw his grades at Yale, because his college picture make him looked like a stoned Lurch, or because of something more nefarious?
I'm not much of a conspiracy theorist, so I'm going to say it's a combination of the first two.
What do you think?
One Day We'll Remember the Scream as the High Point of His Career
So Howard Dean insults white Christians (which, he at least pretended to be before a dispute on bike trails), has insulted anyone who votes Republican, southerners in general, and insulted minorites (the hotel staff remark, if you remember). An interesting question is, if Dean is as efficient as possible, how many more statements will it take to alienate absolutely everyone in America?
I remember the blogosphere had a lot to do with getting Howard Dean to be chair of the DNC; I forget whether it was the right or the left side, though.
Self-Desecrating Koran Offers Convenience, Sparks Riots
If the Democratic Underground can have little wet dreams about life in 2006 ("GOP Swept from Power in 2006; Impeachment Looms"), figure it's only fair that other people are allowed to indulge.
Self-Desecrating Koran Offers Convenience, Sparks Riots
Looking to cause havoc in you detention facility but can't trick your infidel guard into mishandling your holy book? The Jersey City based company "Desecrated Incorporated" has the answer to all five of your daily prayers.
"Although Muslims will riot at the drop of a hat," said Marketing Director Sam Snead, "they prefer a more provocative excuse, like the drop of a Koran. That's why we've created Korans that will give the appearance of being defiled without actually being touched. So when a guard approaches, all the detainee has to do is activate the easily-hidden remote control, and POOF! International incident."
"There are several models to choose from," explained Snead. "Our most popular is the Whoopsie Wayward Walker. It has little mechanical feet that spring out, enabling it to "walk" off a table and onto the floor. For added effect, another touch of the remote will make a kick-dent appear in the book's spine."
"Then there's our "magic ink" models. When activated, "stains" will appear on the pages to simulate either water damage, dirty fingerprints, a coffe-cup ring, or wind-splattered urine. Pretty hard for the guards to talk their way out of it when you have the proof in your non-kafir hand."
"We're looking to add a poo-stain version this summer," continued Snead, "but we're having a little trouble getting the smell right. Scratch & sniff is a tricky medium to work with."
Also in the works is a self-flushing model.
"It's the ultimate convenience" said Snead. "moisture sensors in the cover automatically guide the book directly into the toilet, and a tiny, water-activated motor propels it down the bowl and into the waste pipe."
"Plus the quick-dissolving paper is completely septic-safe!"
Muslims the world over rioted outside stores selling the special Korans, fighting amongst themselves to be the first one on their block to own a copy.
Said one unidentified rioter, "Only twenty bucks for an excuse to riot AND I get to blame the infidels for causing it? Hell, I'm gonna sell my wife and buy a CASE of these things! I love it! ULULULULULULULULU!!!"
Can Young Brian Find the Joke?
I got some hate mail yesterday from one Brian who was unable to find the joke. I responded politely, and then he came back at me with this:
> LOL! What prompted this one? We're you molested as a kid?
Now we're getting off topic. I tried a little harder to be helpful this time:
Thank you for your frankness, but I assure you I have an "efficiently compact" frame, and not a "scrawny" one. Anyway, not to sound homophobic, but this focus on my body by another guy is creeping me out a bit.
He's already answered with a much longer e-mail, really trying to get under my skin this time. It's funnier when they try. We'll try to see how long Brian can give us free amusement.
Now We Know
"Senator Kerry, you finally released your military records. How did it go?"
Man, just think if that was released during the campaign:
I'm President George Bush, and I approve this photo.
Not only did I do marginally better than my opponent in college, but girls did not run away screaming when they saw me.
June 07, 2005
Me as a Kid Could Beat Up You as a Kid
So here I am, minding my own business, and I get this e-mail:
Umm... I'm just wondering.. when does the funny start?
I've grown a lot in popularity since I started blogging, but the hate mail has failed to match it. That's actually the best I've gotten in months. Did what I could to work with it and responded thusly:
LOL! What prompted this one? We're you molested as a kid?
Beaten up as a kid? You’re talking to Frank J., here. Like I'd put up with such rubbish at any age. As my father always told me when I was young:
"If another kid hits you, hit him back. Or, if someone looks at you funny, hit him. Plus, if you're bored, might as well hit somebody. Also, if some kid bothers you while you're in the middle of watching a football game, hit him just like I'm about to hit you."
UPDATE: He's already responded. No reference to lyrics from Rage Against the Machine, but I'll do my best to work my magic on it.
You Talking to Hsi?
The North Koreans keep resisting six-party talks. There must be some way to get Kim Jong Il to agree to them. I thought of a number of ideas myself, and they just happened to be ten in number so...
THE TOP TEN WAYS TO GET NORTH KOREA TO RESUME TALKS
10. Have Bush stop referring to Kim Jong Il as "Poofy Goofy."
9. Have talks in Korean instead of the customary ancient Aramaic.
8. Make sure there is free pizza, because I know from experience at college that conferences are more likely to have people show up if there is free pizza.
7. Advertise event as "Disarmament Talks and Karaoke Contest."
6. Chain Donald Rumsfeld to a radiator to lessen the chance of him fulfilling his vow that he'll "squeeze the neck of the poofy-haired one until he is dead."
5. Have the Japanese bring to the talks some of those overly violent, porn-filled cartoons they're so famous for. Everyone loves those.
4. Special deal this time only - make three concessions, get one free!
3. Have some people there for Kim Jong Il to oppress (maybe some Democrats from Congress) so he'll feel more at home.
2. Promise Kim Jong Il that we won't invade his country while he's temporarily away.
And the number one way to get North Korea to resume talks…
All attendees get a lifetime supply of hair gel!
Please Hurt Our Feelings
Right now my mind is divided between trying to figure out how to make a better podcast and how to save Africa. All that, and I ended up late to work. Well, I think I have the Africa issue solved as well as possible right now, so I need your help on the podcast.
Yeah? Well, what do I get for helping you?
You get more free funny, and even funnier funny. The plan is to do a lot (and I mean a lot) of cutting for the next podcast to make it shorter and more streamlined, but I want to do my best not to throw the wheat out with the chaff. Thus, I need constructive criticism on the first two podcasts. What worked? What didn't work? Where was it too slow? I especially want focus on the little things - little things that bothered you and the little things that made you laugh - because the little things make the biggest difference.
We here at IMAO believe podcasting is the further evolution of blogging, but we need your help to evolve better than the others so that we can smash in their Neanderthal skulls if necessary. You are all honorable ronin, and we thank you in advance for your help and support.
Vote Or Diet
Hmm, this Podcast thing is really taking off around here.
I'm guessing here that you are wondering right now how you can show some support for the IMAO podcast. No? Well you are now, right? RIGHT!
Sure you do! That's why you'll vote for us at podcast alley and also at podcast pickle (tis on the right, scroll down a bit, brother) and show how you think the IMAO Podcast is extra super happy #1 fun show and how you love
Voting is so totally cool*, everybody is doing it. So c'mon, vote! What are you, chicken?
*I was going to say 'totally hitler' but you know, that would be so y'know, totally unhitler to say so.
Updates below the fold
Update: On podcastalley, a change of one vote moved us from 310th place to 281st. At this rate we'll be number one in no time. Keep it up. And Thanks.
Update2: 6/7/5 1:00 PM ET Now at #217, This is fun.
Update3: 6/7/5 2:33 PM ET Now at #170 Yeehah!
Update4: 6/7/5 4:00 PM ET Sitting pretty at #128. We on a roll baby!
Update4: 6/7/5 4:40 PM ET We passed the porn pod fold! now at 118. w00t!
Update5: 6/7/5 5:54 PM ET Now we are #96!!! DOUBLE DIGITS! !!!!!
Update6: 6/10/5 3:14 AM ET Now we are #54!!! Even Smaller Double Digits!!!!!!
June 06, 2005
Links of the Day
John Hawkins has an interview with syndicated columnist Jack Kelly.
Straight from the war in Iraq, Ma Deuce Gunner has a very sad account of why it is good for our warriors to kill terrorists. Because terrorists suck.
Carnival of Cordite #16 is up over at Gullyborg's place. And there's a really cool t-shirt featured.
And for the ladies (and men who understand that it's manly to cook), Carnival of the Recipes #42 is at Conservative Friends this week.
Carnival of Comedy Reminder- Now With Improved Graphic!
Don't forget the Carnival of Comedy is coming up Thursday! Harvey is hosting this week while I'm at the beach with my family. Thanks Harvey! So, try not to send in a bunch of stinkers, everybody!
Thanks to RightWingDuck, last weeks Carnival of Comedy was a smashing success and the smashing was mostly around Duck's head. So, thanks Ducky!
The observant among you will notice that cadet happy has dressed up Uncle Sam in some IMAO approved duds. MUUUCH more patriotic I think. Nice work cadet happy!
Want more info about the carnival? Go here.
Tens of Thousands Dead a Day
When I was invited to a blogger conference call about Live 8, I was a little surprised. I do not make much effort here to be taken seriously.
Skepticism came next, as the main goal of Live 8 is to end poverty in Africa, to which I was like, "Well, why don't we create world peace while we're at it?" I saw on the Live 8 website that all the rockers who love trendy causes were involved (including SarahK’s favorite, Dave Matthews), thus further increasing skepticism. Then I saw what was stated as the goals for Live 8, which is doubling aid, fully canceling debt, and delivering trade justice for Africa. I wasn't so sure about the first two, and didn't know what the last one meant (all I know is it made me further suspicious).
Still, I was invited by John Hinderaker of Power Line who was organizing this blog arm of Live 8 along with Joe Trippi, and I thought it was certainly worth a listen. It ends up that Bob Geldof, the organizer or Live 8, has a real plan for tackling poverty in Africa (real, in that it involved free trade and competition in parts of it) and hopes the blogosphere can use some of its influence in pushing towards the means needed for the end. The conference call should be up as a podcast a little later, and I'll urge you all to listen to it. I hope to get you more information soon (that was my main suggestion during the conference call was to have a place to link to where things are explained as well as Sir Geldof explained them himself), and, perhaps, you'll see more of the blogosphere talking about this.
There's certainly no other continent more in need of help than Africa, and it's nice to at least think we can do something for the people there.
UPDATE: Here's more from John Hinderaker of Power Line.
UPDATE 2: Citizen Smash has a great roundup with links to reactions from other bloggers (I wasn't sure who was in on the conference call since not everyone spoke).
BTW, only time I chuckled when being compared to a hippy.
In My World: Murderousness
"I hit the chandelier! That's a homerun!" Bush exclaimed as he ran to touch the chairs that marked the bases.
"Tourists!" Alberto Gonzales yelled, and everyone quickly ran to the sides as a tour group walked by.
"Game on!" Bush shouted when the tourists had passed by.
"Yay! I'm at bat!" Scott McClellan smiled as he picked up the stick.
"It's Scott," Alberto said, "Everyone move in closer."
Before Condi could pitch, Laura Bush walked by. "Are you playing stickball in the White House again?" she screamed.
"Uh... no," Bush said meekly.
"Well, I see a stick and a ball," Laura said as she collected them. "Now I better not see you do this again or I'll ground you to the Oval Office."
After Laura walked off, Cheney came running over. "Amnesty International compared our Guantanamo Bay facility to a gulag!" he yelled angrily.
"Rarr!" Rumsfeld shouted as he burst through the wall, "Death to those who slander us!"
"That's crazy!" Bush exclaimed, "The Soviets never had the technology to accurately shock terrorist gonads like we can today. Plus, didn't gulags involve forced labor? The only thing these terrorists know how to make is bombs, and we can make those better ourselves. We need to come out forcefully against Amnesty International on this."
"I can hold a press conference on this and..." Scott started to say, but Rumsfeld grabbed him.
"Rarr!" Rumsfeld yelled as he threw Scott through a closed window, "Talking is for sissies! Murderous action is called for!"
"Well, you are my trusted adviser, Rummy," Bush said, "Plus, I'm quite scared of you hurting me. Let's go with your plan."
"I'll come," Cheney declared, "Doctor said murderousness is good for my heart."
"How about you, Mexican Attorney General?" Bush asked Alberto.
"I already get to stab and beat people enough in my current job," he answered, "I'm going to take a siesta now."
"Can I come?" Condi asked hopefully.
"No, you're Secretary of State and a girl," Bush replied, "Go do something diplomatic." Bush, Rumsfeld, and Cheney then walked off, all shouting, "No amnesty for Amnesty International!"
"Aww," Condi whined, "I never get to have any fun since I've become Secretary of State."
* * * *
"It's been decided that Belgium serves the U.S. no useful purpose," Condi told the Belgium ambassador, "Thus I'm free to beat you with this stapler."
"Not a Swingline!"
Laura burst into the room. "Dr. Rice, have you seen my husband?"
Condi put the stapler back on the table as the ambassador fled. "He was headed to the Amnesty International headquarters."
"Was there murder in his eyes?" Laura asked suspiciously.
Laura shook her fist. "I told him no more murderousness! He's going to get such a talking to when he gets home!"
* * * *
"Political dissidents imprisoned and beaten in Cuba," the head of Amnesty International read aloud. He then tossed the memo away. "Boring!"
"Forced abortions and people executed for their religion in China." He tossed the memo. "Who cares?"
"Massive starvation and human rights abuse in North Korea." The memo was tossed. "Yawn."
He looked at the next memo. "And this is just more hooey about oppression in the Middle East."
The head of Amnesty International then spotted a memo that interested him. "A Koran was kicked by a prison guard at Guantanamo Bay!" He rose from his seat. "Mobilize all our forces! We must get justice for this!"
"The President, Vice President, and Secretary of Defense are here to see you," said the secretary over the intercom, "Oh, and there appears to be murder in their eyes."
"Don't let them in!"
The doors burst open, and there stood Bush, Cheney, and Rumsfeld. Two aides approached them, but Rumsfeld swatted them aside.
"If you do anything to me," the head of Amnesty International shouted, "All major news outlets will hear of it!"
"That's the plan!" Rumsfeld growled, "I want everyone to know of the suffering of those who slander us! Your entrails will dangle for all to see!"
Rumsfeld approached the man with hands ready to rip him apart, but Bush grabbed Rumsfeld by the shoulder to stop him. "Actually, I have a better idea than murder."
"No murder!" Rumsfeld exclaimed, "Are you becoming a fruit on me?"
"No, this is a good idea," Bush smiled.
* * * *
"Where are we?" the head of Amnesty International asked his aides.
"You are in Siberia," answered a Russian voice, "You now take hammers and break down those large rocks over there."
"But we're cold!"
"Then I beat you with club until you are warm! Now break rocks!"
* * * *
When Bush arrived back at the White House, Laura was waiting with an angry glare. "We're you involved in more murderousness?" she accused.
"No, I came up with a non-murdering idea to deal with Amnesty International," Bush said proudly, "I remembered that Putin is evil and probably reopened the gulags. Thus, I had the people from Amnesty International shipped to Siberia. If they survive, they'll have to admit that Gitmo isn't as bad as a gulag."
"That's very clever of you," Laura said, "I'm quite proud."
"Then can you take my stick and ball off the top of the fridge and give them back?"
My mother's father, Leroy Rogers, was a teenager in 1944 when he and the rest of his squad of U.S. Army Rangers climbed up the cliffs of Point du Hoc on D-Day. I was close to 30 when I stood on those same cliffs almost 60 years later with my wife; unable to comprehend the guts it must've taken for my grandfather to scale these cliffs on that fateful day. He was a heckuva guy.
Everyone always says: "See Saving Private Ryan to see what it was like at D-Day" but I'm not thrilled about that version ever since I heard that Spielberg changed the original script from the Point du Hoc to a beach landing because he didn't think crawling up a cliff while Nazis were shooting at you and tossing grenades on your head "wasn't dramatic enough."
Loser; and your remake of War of the Worlds is gonna suck.
If you want to know more about D-Day and the Rangers at Point du Hoc, see R. Lee Ermey's D-Day Special today on Mail Call on The History Channel or buy the DVD. The Gunny does a great job in that episode of Mail Call and I've met the man and know he sincerely loves the U.S. and our Armed Forces.
Unlike Steven Spielberg...
June 04, 2005
Pacific Time Zone Birthday Greetings for Frank J.
I'm just now dragging out of bed after a late night in deepest, trendiest Seattle with the wife and the always lucid uberblogger Homocon. The wife and I got to meet Homocon for dinner and drinks with his partner. I guess those guys must be in business together writing blogs...
...anyway, the four of us were so busy eating, drinking (well, those guys were doing the drinking because the wife and I don't drink; fortunately this bistro did have a section at the bar for me to sniff my model airplane glue), and mocking the limo lefties populating the restaurant that the time got away from us.
"Dude! I just realized something," I told Homocon as were getting into our cars at the end of the night. "It's after midnight and now it's Frank J.'s birthday. We ought to call him to say happy birthday."
Homocon checked his watch. "Yeah, but I thought you said that Frank lives in Florida." He raised an eyebrow and tilted his head disapprovingly. "Won't it be a little late to call him right now?"
That potentially good point was dismissed because I was already dialing my phone. On the eighth ring, I offered up some shaky justification to Homocon and the other three people in our party who were now glaring at me in the parking lot. "I'm pretty sure Frank said he was born in California, so it makes more sense to call him after midnight Pacific Time."
On the seventeenth ring, Frank picked up the phone and slurred "Oh God, who died Ma?" immediately followed by the sound of Sarah screaming at Frank for taking the Lord's name in vain.
"What up, my dawg?" I yelled into the phone. "¡Felíz cumpleaños, primo! Y'all celebrating yet? We are here on the Left Coast. Lemme hand the phone over to kick ass blogger that wants to wish you a happy birthday..." I held my mobile phone out to Homocon, whose eyes widened as he vigorously shook his head.
"Who the hell is this?" the tinny voice of Frank asked through my mobile phone, followed by the sound of Sarah beating him for swearing.
Homocon took the phone out of my hand: "Sorry, wrong number," he said and threw the phone back to me. "You might want to wait a few days before you talk to Frank again."
Homocon shook my hand and gave my wife a little hug before getting into their car. Before getting into the driver's seat of their car, Homocon's partner shook hands with me and said: "You know, if you write about this on the blog you'll probably get death threats."
Ah, truer words!
June 03, 2005
What IS Glenn Reynolds Eating?
So I'm paging through Instapundit recently, and I see a picture of him eating "strawberry pie".
And I'm thinking to myself... wait... pie isn't part of Evil Glenn's regular diet
So I gave the picture a thorough checking out and noticed that he'd photoshopped it a bit. Without his editing, it looks like this:
Which just looks... odd.
So I zoomed in, cleaned it up, and here's a tight shot of that pie (in the extended entry)...
HE'S EATING FREAKIN' SHRUNKEN-PUPPY-HEAD PIE!
Should've known he wouldn't be satisfied with shakes forever.
Just another reason:
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
Be the Most Informative Person at the Range
Know what it's time for?
A new IMAO t-shirt from ThoseShirts.com!
Back some time ago, I declared my birthday to be National Gun Safety Day. Now, in time for that, there is a new shirt from IMAO:
It has the IMAO logo on the front and all the tips you need to properly handle a firearm on the back. Every responsible citizen must own one! Order yours today!
In light of his birthday and his prompting I have composed a Top 10 list of
10. Frank J. likes to release a t-shirt on every noteworthy occasion. Case in point, the "Know Thy Enemy: Inlaws" Pocket T that he plans to wear at his wedding so he can promote it using the wedding photos.
9 Frank owns, and uses guns for defense but prefers the 'personal touch' of an edged or blunt weapon for making attacks on his enemies. An elegant weapon from a more civilized time or something to that effect, plus a beat down takes a longer to apply than a simple shooting.
8. Frank J. has pants legs sewn onto some of his sleeves, so he can keep a katana or a long stick concealed. He says these are not 'in case of attack' rather they are 'in case I attack'.
7 Frank J. was frightened by something smelly, hairy, stupid and dirty when he was just a little ronin. He isn't sure if it was a Frenchman, a hippy or a monkey so... he's devoted his life to eradicating all three.
6. Frank J. loves the smell of napalm - any time of day, not just in the morning. But he says it smells like money, which smells better than victory any day of the week.
5. When Frank J. is about to attack, he gets this eerily calm look about him and then he softly utters the word 'pancakes.'
4. Frank J. doesn't fear change, he embraces it. In fact he does this funny little dance/song while he embraces it whenever he finds some.
3. Frank J.'s idea of supporting multicutural diversity means mercilessly beating foreigners with a stick which was grown in their home country. He always asks and if he doesn't have the appropriate stick up his large sleeves, he'll calmly get their contact information and put them on his 'To Beat' list, till he has the stick and can beat them in a proper multicuturally diverse and supportive manner.
2. Frank J. has a large and growing collection of imported sticks.
And the number one
Frank J. hasn't keeeled anybody today. But you know what? The day ain't over yet.
Have a Happy Birthday tomorrow, today!
It has come to my attention that getting married is expensive. Since some readers have asked where SarahK and I are registered, I'm instead putting up this PayPal link so you can send us a cash wedding gift and help us start our new life with not so much debt.
Now, we're not poor or anything or about to go bankrupt, so only think of this as a gift if you like me and SarahK (or just one of us).
Thank you. If it weren't for my readers' support, I never would have met my lovely SarahK.
Blogs and the FEC
As you may know by now, blogs will possibly face FEC regulations. If you want my opinion on that, I think...
**POST CENSORED BY FEC**
Hi, I'm your local FEC rep, and there has been a lot of fear of the FEC strong-arming blogs. To allay those fears, I have erased the misinformation this blogger was about to post and taken over his site. Frank J. is currently getting a personal education on the new rules about blogging. Also, I would like to say that he had many bruises from cudgel blows before he came here, and he is lying if he says otherwise.
As for all you, you can read this post to find the new rules. What we simply want from bloggers is disclosure. This adds to free speech, because, not only do you get the blogger's normal free speech, but you also get mandatory speech about his funding you wouldn't get otherwise. See? FEC regulation means even more speech!
Also, to help ensure blogs are not subversive agents using their political influence to get around campaign finance laws, we will recommend that this humor blog stick to topics that aren't political. One example would be to have jokes like:
Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
Now that's funny and has no political implications - as long as no specific government funded road is mentioned.
Then again, the chicken could be symbolic of some political figure, something we, the FEC, will keep a shrewd eye for.
Come to think of it, the safest thing is to not post at all. This brings the least probability of FEC agents breaking into your house at night and murdering your family for breaking campaign finance laws.
It is the position of the FEC that free speech is a sacred thing, and, like most sacred things, it should be locked away somewhere secure and not worn out from use.
We now return Frank J. to blog within the guidelines given to him.
Uh, hey, it's Frank J. again. I would just like to say how much IMAO loves and supports the FEC. Yay, FEC.
I'm going to go lie down now.
An Ode to Frank J
Because Frank told him to write it...
An Ode To Frank J On His Birthday...
What else do I like about IMAO?
Hate filled lefty, butt so whupped
Let's not forget the In My World
What makes Frankie J so fun?
He keeps his viewpoints finely tuned
Needs more words from John F. Kerry
You'll laugh until your body hurts
Happy Birthday Frank J.
So Begins the 27th Year of the Age of Frank
Well, I actually turn 26 tomorrow, but you can celebrate my birthday today! First, everyone post in the comments section here about how great I am, and I order all the other IMAO bloggers to write a post about my greatness.
Later, there will be an unveiling of a special surprise! Hooray!
June 02, 2005
B-Day and Podcasts
As everyone knows, the occasion of my birthday is Saturday on which I will become an age twice a prime number - something that won't happen again for eight more years (MATH QUESTION: Does that leave a finite possibility for my age, or are there an infinite number of answers - disregarding what is considered to be a normal human life span and the best guess at the age of the universe). Since I won't be posting Saturday, my birthday will be celebrated on my blog tomorrow. Be prepared to heap praise upon me (plus I have a special surprise).
We are all busy at work at the next podcast, and expect it to be posted Monday. Then, expect a podcast every Monday. Soon, Monday will be your most favoritest day of the week.
Until then, live with honor, ronin.
Gotta Gitmo Respect
Amnesty International, apparently not finding any innocent people being oppressed worth complaining about, called the terrorist holding facility at Guantanamo Bay a "gulag." This angered both Cheney and Rumsfeld who met with Amnesty International personally to express their disagreement.
There were no survivors.
Though both Guantanamo and gulag start with a 'g', there are in fact numerous differences between the Soviet prison camps and our detention of terrorists. Actually, there are apparently ten differences, so...
THE TOP TEN DIFFERENCES BETWEEN GITMO AND A GULAG
10. Beatings at Gitmo are done as felt necessary, instead of following strict Soviet beating schedule.
9. Fancy new Korans for all Gitmo detainees, while nearly no free Korans under Stalin.
8. Gulag inmates were exploited to help the Soviet economy, while we can't even get wallets out of Gitmo detainees.
7. Gulag's had a high fatality rate, while Gitmo detainees don't die until we're done with them.
6. Sibera was not a hot spot for Canadian tourists.
5. Gitmo detainees are allowed to pray towards Mecca five times a day, while Gulag inmates were forced to bow down towards Stalin's mustache five times a day.
4. Many people were placed in gulag's simply for their political views, while many were put in Gitmo because they wouldn't stop shooting at us, gosh darnit.
3. Gulag is an abbreviation for Russian for "The Chief Directorate of Corrective Labor Camps" while Guantanamo is simply Spanish for "hell-hole."
2. While neither the inmates of the gulag or the Gitmo detainees bathe, the Gitmo detainees do have the option.
And the number one difference between Gitmo and a gulag...
We're pretty sure all the people at Gitmo deserve it.
Carnival of Comedy #6
Whoa. Dudes. It’s like so totally a comedy carnival.
I'm your host. RightWingDuck. I'm so excited, look at all these exclamation points!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Man. I’ve been laughing so long, I wet my pants! Actually, I wet my pants and THEN started laughing. That’s how funny I know you guys are.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There - had to get it out of my system.
Today is the 6th Carnival of Comedy. So, be careful and practice safe sixth. *rimshot*
We had a lot of great entries. BTW, I made a goof on some of the cutting and pasting, but I think I have them all. Anyway, if you don't see your entry here this week, feel free to resubmit it for Carnvial # 7. This way we keep you guys coming back for more!!
Okay. Let's move on with the show.
Do you know why you shouldn't eat pizza and pickles before bedtime?
Hmmm. Pepsi. The other white meat.
Um. I debated adding this one. Patriot gets a warning, but at least he's looking out for #1.
Patriot Xeno at Right Hand of God presents 'The Little Things' That Are Awesome: First Leak in the Morning
Do you want to know why you should take your prescription medication?
What makes Paris so darn special?
What's better than Campfire stories?
How about a tea party?
Secret Michael Jackson evidence?
TJ. This one almost didn't make the cut. Gross. Heee hee. Funny. But gross...
I love it when people are bitter...
Every wonder what a cyborg really thinks?
Hippies are stupid. Heh heh.
Um. Er. Um. Uh. Sigh. Groan...
This is a (first) good (FIRST) link to read (FIRST!!) at JimmyB's place (FIRST!!)
Here's another great vocabulary lesson!
Er. Um. Here...
John Hatch at Ideas Hatched presents
JMK at presents Triumph @ Attack of the Clones
June 01, 2005
I Can Buy a LOT of Gas for Five Grand
USA Today tried so hard to put lipstick on the hybird car pig today with the headline: "Cost savings may not offset higher price for hybrids."
A study funded by USA Today and conducted by Edmunds, the online resource for automotive information, found that even after all factoring in of the Federal tax credits you get for buying an eco-friendly car, the alleged gas savings for not buying a big gas-guzzling SUV, and the good karma you generate driving around in your Prius golf cart, the additional $5,000 you spend to buy a hybrid car isn't worth it.
Yeah, what a shock...
The most striking example of this is the similarly-sized Toyota Prius vs. Toyota Corolla: To get your money's worth out of the more expensive hybrid Prius, gas would have to be $10.10 per gallon. Either you'd have to pay over $10 per gallon or you'd have to drive 66,500 miles per year at current gas prices (avg. $2.50 per gallon) in your hybrid.
So, I have to pay an extra five grand to get a hybrid to save the environment. However, to save the environment I have to put about 45,000 additional miles a year on my car... and over those additional 45,000 driving miles I will basically spew the same amount of deadly carbon monoxide into the atmosphere.
I've said this before, but it bears repeating: It makes more sense to buy a Toyota Camry, save $5,000, get a bigger car, and use that extra five grand to buy three and a half YEARS worth of gas. Hybrid cars are a feel-good scam.
Links of the Day
John Hawkins of Right Wing News has launched Conservative Grapevine, a daily digest of the best right-of-center blog links.
If you'd like to console the emotional senator from Ohio, go to Console George, where the campaign is on to send Sen. George Voinovich some tissues. Michelle Malkin has some tissue samples and other links about Senator Sniff Sniff.
And Carnival of the Recipes #41 (hey, that's a DMB song, #41) is still up at Fresh as a Daisy, and my darling first-blorn has done a great job compiling the recipes. Go see.
A Get Well Card For Zarqawi
Terrorist scumbag Abu Musab al-Zarqawi was recently wounded and his supporters have been asking for people to pray for him.
Being "none of the above" religion-wise, I can't do that, lest I be struck by lightning. But I figure the least I can do is send him a nice get-well card, like the one I put in the extended entry...
Al-Zarqawi, I'm so sad. Hearing that you feel so bad. Limping, hobbling, gimpy, weak, Looking like a circus freak
Broken bones and bloody skin
A fractured wrist, a punctured spleen,
Mites and ticks and lice and fleas,
Kidney stones and heart disease,
Heat-stroke, pimples, chicken pox,
Hemorrhoids, trench mouth, scurvy, gout,
Die Screaming, You Bastard.
It ain't exactly Hallmark, but then again, Zarqawi ain't exactly a human being, either.
Straight from the fever swamp . . .
It's probably bad form to link to something that LGF has linked to, but I would be doing you a disservice if I didn't maximize your chances of reading the funniest thing i've read in awhile. A fever dream over at DU . . .
Deep Throat - Is It Just Me, Or Does that Sound Like the Name of a Porno?
Well, I guess since everyone is talking about finding out who the mysterious "Deep Throat" really is, I guess I should say something.
First off, before this, if I had to guess who Deep Throat was, I would have said Ben Stein. That's because I can only name three people who from memory who worked for the Nixon administration - Ben Stein, Spiro Agnew, and G. Gordon Liddy. I'm pretty certain G. Gordon Liddy didn't do it, so, after a coin flip, my guess is Ben Stein.
Then again, I guess President Ford is another I could name who was involved with Nixon, and he would have the motive...
Well, too late. We know who Deep Throat is, and it's some guy I never heard of. I mean, all this happened before I was born, and I'm not ever sure what it's about. This guy talked to some reporters - I think they were played by Dustin Hoffman and Nick Nolte in a movie - to uncover some scandal about a gate - a scandal so horrible that it sunk a president right after he swept 49 states in reelection.
Well, that'll teach Nixon to create the EPA.
At least now that chapter in history that I never bothered reading has been closed.
Now let's go back to talking about war.
RWD's News Round-Up, Tuesday Evening
I'm RightWingDuck and I'm here to share the news.
Vive La France!!
The French have rejected the EU constitution. Incredible!
Every citizen could cast a vote for one of two choices: Yes or no. Maybe this caused confusion. After all, their normal ballot choices are: Yes, no, or surrender.
People wonder where Chirac could have gone wrong. How can the man end up with so much egg on his face? Personally, I believe it’s an issue of sincerity: I just don't trust that phony French accent!
Does this spell disaster for the EU? Maybe not. Thankfully, they are united by a mutual geography, a strong sense of history, and a mutual contempt for America.
Heh heh heh.
People are really shocked by this outcome. 53 percent voted “non”. So now the losers are walking around being snotty and rude. Or were those the winners? I lose track.
So France has a lot of work to do if they ever hope to get this EU constitution back on track. They will work all day long – 20 hours a week if the unions let them.
Anyway, the next country is starting to vote, even as you read this. We’ll see what happens in the Netherlands which is internationally known for being slightly less French. At least I’m pretty sure the Netherlands are not in Paris.
Oh. Did you hear the great news?
Paris Hilton has announced that she is engaged to the son of a shipping magnate – whose name is also Paris.
So Paris loves Paris. Hey, don’t I already have that video?
It’s very sweet of her to make this announcement. I know what private person she really is.
Here in California, the Sacrament Assemply approved a measure limiting the size of school textbooks to no more than 200 pages. Nope, I’m not making this up. This explains our new motto: California – where shelf space is plentiful.
Ironically, lawmakers aren’t sure if the law is valid – since the law is 202 pages long. Hmmm.
In another announcement, the maker of Viagra, Pfizer, announced that all future prescription will come with a free pair of glasses.
In China, a man imprisoned for 11 years for the murder of his wife was set free. They felt compelled to do so when his wife showed up alive and chatting with people in her village. Turns out that she had run away!
What was THAT conversation like - when they saw each other again?
Wife: So how are you?
Husband: Okay. I’ve spent the last 11 years in prison for your murder. And you?
Wife: Okay. Not dead. Ha ha. BTW sorry about that.
In Georgia, the runaway bride, was recently indicted for filing a false police report. Jennifer Wilbanks is in treatment right now so her lawyers passed on the news. Word has it that when she heard the news – her eyes got really big.
Poor girl. She has agreed to repay the city about $13,000 for the effort it put forth in trying to find her. I think Jennifer was wrong to fake her kidnapping – personally, I feel she took it to far when she left behind a blood glove.
$13,000!!! Are these city officials crazy? Don't they know this poor girl has a wedding?
Bwu ha ha.
Michael Jackson is rumored to be considering a move. If he is found Not Guilty then he will head off for another country. Someplace relaxing, like France, or Africa, or Thailand.
If he’s found guilty? Well, he’ll be going to Flavor Country. Where he’ll be bought and sold for a packet of Marlboros.
Convict #1: This is Michael Jackson. The price is 10 packs of smokes.
Convict #2. Sold!
Convict #1: (Introducing Michael to his new beau) Michael, this is Billie Jean – he’ll be your lover.
If MJ walked, do you know who would be the real loser in all of this? The mom. She’s obviously a Grifter, yet not only does molest your kid – he molests him for free!
Oh, well – they'd always have Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride.
The good news is that if Michael can be cleared of all charges, he might be getting an offer to play Las Vegas at the new Wynn Hotel and Casino. The bad news is that he needs to learn to ride a unicycle. And juggle.
Seriously, copyright piracy cost Hollywood about $3.5 billion in lost revenues. This is horrible. Losses like this could lead to the industry losing jobs – in Thailand.
On some sets, money is so tight - the actors have to get their own coffee!!
So these cameras work. This is so not fair? Where am I going to buy my DVD’s?
I was waiting the new "Paris loves Paris".
Speaking of deep throat, the newspapers were talking about finally uncovering one of the last remaining secrets from the Watergate scandal.
As you know, Watergate was infamous for exposing cover-ups at the highest level. And for making sure that forever after – every single scandal would involve the word gate. Memo gate. Travel gate. Zippergate.
Anyway, it turns out that the top secret informant, “deep throat”, was W. Mark Felt, the number 2 guy in the FBI. He’s 91 years old now. At the age of 91 he's still very happy to have a good number 2.
Some people aren’t buying it though. He also stated that he was the original Green Hornet.
Ah. The Good old days. When anonymous sources were indeed anonymous sources. And not some crap you made up.
I'd like to close with this tidbit.
A judge in Kentucky is catching flak for offering a different alternative to those accused of drug and alcohol charges. Instead of rehab or jail – he offers them a chance to attend church.
Naturally, the ACLU is filing suit – not because of separation of Church and State issuea – they consider church attendance Cruel and Unusual punishment.
So if you’re in Kentucky and in church this Sunday, try not to act surprised when the guy next to you leans over and asks, “So, what are you in for?”
Remember, I can't hear you laugh. So if something tickled your funnybone, post it in comments.
Supremes Side With Andersen a "Defeat" for Bush
The Supreme Court threw out the conviction of the Arthur Andersen accounting firm in relation to Enron on Tuesday because the "jury instructions were too broad."
According to the AP "The decision was a defeat for the Bush administration, which had declared prosecution of white-collar criminals a high priority following accounting scandals at major corporations."
That's right, kids. It's all Dubya's fault. No, he's too dumb so it must've been the evil of Karl Rove!
I forget... is Karl Rove the Emperor to Dubya's Darth Vader or is it the other way around?
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