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July 31, 2005
tech week in review
this was an exciting week for space exploration
first, the space shuttle lifted off, and the crew of Discovery found a gay cat floating in space during a space walk . . .
then the hubble telescope discovered an unusual rock formation on the surface of the "10th planet" . . .
Fun Facts About Florida: The Director's Cut
The version on the IMAO podcast (#9) was cut here & there for time & quality reasons.
My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision appears in the extended entry...
Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting yet completely useless, and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.
This week, we'll be enjoying a trip to sunny Florida, so let's get started...
Florida became the 27th state on March 3rd, 1845, an event which most of the state's residents recall fondly from their childhoods.
Or WOULD, if it weren't for the Alzheimer's.
The state flag of Florida was eaten by an alligator, so I have no idea what it looks like.
The knee is Florida's official state arthritic joint.
The largest private employer in Florida is Disney World. The second largest is the company that makes "this ride closed for repairs" signs.
After the Presidential election disaster in 2000, Florida passed a law making it illegal to vote without first removing your souvenier Mickey Mouse gloves.
The most common cause of death in Florida is being run over by old women who mistakenly voted for Pat Buchanan.
The second most common is getting run over by '57 Chevys that wash up on Miami Beach from Cuba.
The state bird of Florida is the Pink Flamingo, a feisty animal which is actually capable of killing a fully grown alligator, thanks to Floridas new concealed carry law.
Although most Floridians don't speak with a strong southern accent, they DO tend to pronounce the word "hurricane" as "Oh, SH**!"
Janet Reno was born in Miami, Florida, and only returned to the state because her magic mirror told her that Elian Gonzales was fairer than she.
Twice yearly, Florida is victimized by uncontrollable destructive forces which lay waste to the state. These times are known as "hurricane season" and "spring break".
The state reptile of Florida is the alligator, which subsists on a diet of fish, birds, and Japanese tourists.
The state song of Florida is "Grandpa, Don't Wear That Speedo to the Beach".
If a hurricane strikes while you're in Florida, just hand over your wallet and no one will get hurt.
Spanish explorer Ponce de Leon discovered Florida in 1513 while searching for the legendary Fountain of Orange Juice.
Despite the fact that the temperature never gets below freezing, Florida has a professional ice hockey team, which... nah, no one's gonna believe that one.
People from Florida are easy to spot on the road. They're the ones driving around with sheets of plywood nailed over their car windows.
If you move to Florida, buy a house with a colorful roof so that you can easily find it after it gets blown down the street by a hurricane.
When visiting Seaworld in Orlando, be sure to stop by the restaurant for the "slow learner sandwich" special.
Native Floridians never wear sunglasses because they have a special, inner third eyelid to keep out the sun's harmful rays.
Florida's Disney World is technically in a state of war with California's Disneyland, and the two theme parks exchange nuclear strikes several times a year.
The University of Florida's football team is named the Gators in honor of the millions of alligators milked each year to make Gatorade.
Neil Smith of Montverde, Florida, invented the riding lawn mower in 1933, adding to the list of useful things that Floridians could have blown away during a hurricane.
The state tree of Florida is the Palm Tree - so named because that's the part of your body that will be scraped raw if you try to climb it.
While in Florida, NEVER try to climb any sort of nut tree.
The Everglades in Florida is 2100 square miles of smelly, oozing, mosquito-infested muck. Most Florida natives still refer to it by its original name the "The Cesspool National Park".
Passing the test for a driver's license in Florida requires that you be able to make a right turn from the left lane across 3 lanes of traffic. Or so I assume from what I saw last time I was there.
Despite rumors to the contrary, "Florida oysters" is NOT a euphemism for boiled alligator testicles.
However, eating Florida oysters WILL cause you to grow a special, inner third eyelid.
The state flower of Florida is the Orange Blossom, which is a small, white flower with an insatiable hunger for human flesh.
The refrigerator was invented in Florida in 1921. This represented a great technological leap forward, as now Floridians had a place to store their melted ice cream when the power went out.
That wraps up the Florida edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be sneaking north across the border into America's peachiest state, Georgia.
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go milk me some fresh Gatorade.
[The complete e-book version of "Fun Facts About the 50 States" is now available at Amazon.com. If you don't have a Kindle, you can download free Kindle apps for your web browser, smartphone, computer, or tablet from Amazon.com]
July 30, 2005
killing time on saturday night . . .
ever wonder what a water balloon would look like if popped in zero gravity . . .
some driving tips I think you'll find useful . . .
you think you know movies? take these quizzes . . .
who knew? . . .
i want to believe . . .
hardcore star wars fan . . .
can it be? an alliance website that is actually funny! (NSFW)
No not for you guys.
This is RightWingDuck and today is one of those Saturdays when I have to work.
Bummer. It's a beautiful day, too. Aside from being paid - this is so unfair.
So let's talk.
Finish this sentence...
If I have to work on Saturdays, I wish my bosses/company would...
Provide food? music?
Post in comments.
* Winner gets the satisfaction of knowing they did good work on a Saturday.
This Link Only for Super-Duper Cool People
There's a new trailer for the Firefly movie out (hat tip to reader LokiDoki), and it's mucho shiny.
Also, SciFi Channel has been showing the episodes of Firefly in order. I haven't followed that much since I own them on DVD.
Planet X Discovered!! Really!
I say we name it... Frank.
July 29, 2005
Instapundit For Sale
Not long ago, Glenn Reynolds mused that he'd be more than happy to sell Instapundit for the bargain price of $145 million dollars.
Naturally he got flooded with offers, so he ran a contest: "Tell why you should be allowed to buy Instapundit in 200 words or less".
Here are some of the responses:
Muqtada al-Sadr - "According to the Prophet Mohammed, all unbelievers are as filthy hobos in the eyes of Allah, and must be murdered. I will be most proud to carry on Evil Glenn's holy homeless jihad. Will you take a check drawn on a Saudi bank?"
John Bolton - "Once Bush takes his balls out of that little box that Laura keeps them in, he'll FINALLY get around to naming me as ambassador to the UN. I will use the power of Instapundit - and possibly a large wooden mallet - to crush all those stupid foreigners like bugs! LIKE BUGS, I SAY!"
Muzammil Siddiq, Muslim Religious Scholar - "Now that we have issued a fatwa condemning terrorism, we must make this pronouncement be heard from ALL of our most holy sites, including the holiest of all, the site of Imampundit, the most... what?... CRAP!... nevermind..."
Kim Jong Il - "As leader of the #1 dog-consuming nation in the world, what could be more appropriate that having me take control of Ilstapundit and its vast archive of canine-based recipes?"
Condoleezza Rice - "I think Bush might respect me more if I had a powerful blog. Don't get me wrong, I love my job, but I *do* get a little tired of being patted on the head and being called 'my wittle Condi-Wondi'".
Michael Griffin, NASA Administrator - "We just want to own SOMETHING that doesn't have chunks of foam falling off it".
Steve Jobs, Apple CEO - "iNstapundit... got a nice ring to it..."
Michael Eisner, Disney CEO - "We haven't had a hit movie since "Monsters, Inc.", and I'm thinking we could at least make a couple bucks with selling T-shirts on this site or something, and... wait... I KNOW!... "Herbie: Fully Blogged"!... It's so hip and trendy that it can't possibly fail!"
Johnny Depp - "I just finished playing a powerful-yet-creepy reclusive iconoclast with a fetish for short, waddling things that all look alike. I'm SO ready to be the new Instapundit."
AND THE WINNER IS... (in the extended entry)
The City of Memphis - "The City of Memphis hereby takes this site with its power of eminent domain, pays $50 to Mr. Reynolds as "just compensation", and awards the site to Wal-Mart, since it will bring in more tax revenue."
Which may explain Instapundit's new banner:
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
The Weekend Is Coming Up.
The weekend is coming up. Tomorrow is Saturday. I know there aren't too many people who are going to be very surprised at this announcement.
But if you haven't been paying too close attention to the calendar you just might get caught off guard and try to go to work in the morning.
I guess at least traffic will be light and you'll get to park up front, but you'll realize you wasted a perfectly good 'sleeping in' morning on a drive you didn't have to make.
And that would be sad. If I can keep just one, JUST ONE, person from being sad, I haven't done very much, admittedly, but at least THAT person isn't sad.
Oh man I just realized something....
REPEAT, PEOPLE WHO WORK ON SATURDAY NORMALLY, GO TO WORK AS PER USUAL!!!!
Whew! Close one. I suddenly realized this talk of not going to work on Saturday might have unintentionally messed up some people who actually NEED to go in on Saturday. They would have been FIRED and that would have been really EVEN MORE SAD.
Don't let a well intentioned blogger ruin your life. Because that would be, well, you know.
I guess I'm just a people person. I care.
A Story, Bit-by-Bit
Superego: Part 4 - Questions
I decided to dispatch with the usual custom of hellos. "What happened here, Vito?"
"I'm not sure, see..."
"I'm sending the data on who I killed. Will you even be able to tell me if I hit the target?"
"I'll pass along the data. It will probably take some time before I can confirm anything. The problem is..."
"I don't like leaving a job and not knowing whether it is done." I modulated my voice to put the implicit threat behind that statement. Anger is probably the most primal of emotions, and even I experience variations of it such as frustration. Thus, it’s the emotion I can fake the best.
I can be quite scary when I want to be... not that someone has to be scared of me to die when I pull the trigger.
"I'll try asking about the process here. The problem is I'm new to this, and I don't have much pull. I ask too many questions, and... well... they don't like that." He laughed nervously. "I get too noisy, that might even send you after me."
That was sorta funny, but I didn't change expression. "The day I'm assigned to do a hit on a nothing like you is the day I quit." Not true; I'd figure out some way to make it interesting... like make sure he's armed and blindfold myself. "Now you pass along to whomever it concerns that this is not acceptable. I need good information to do hits. If someone is so important that they'd send me to make him dead, they should at least know who the hell he is!"
"I'll tell 'em, Rico. I'll tell them about the problem and give you back what they say. Don't worry about it."
"Don't tell me what I should do, Vito. Now, you have my next job?"
"Not yet. I'll have more coming down the pipe soon. With you, it's no on women or children, right?"
"No, you're thinking of someone else. You want an elementary school bombed or a salon shot up, I'll do it. Just get me my money." I actually don't care much about the money, but it looks weird if you don't at least act like you care about the money. "Vito, you're just a pile of flesh that sends my talkee-talkee to others, and repeats that talkee-talkee to me. Is that really too much for you?"
"I'll get whatever you want done. It's just I'm new and..."
"Don't contact me until you either have information on this job or my next." I then severed the communication. I’m usually never curious about anything about the syndicate, but I was starting to wonder what happened to my last go-between and how I got stuck with the current idiot. You'd at least think he'd come in knowing my reputation and thus would try to appear a bit smarter in front of me. I mean, I almost had this sensationalist piece about me in the Laverk Times calling me the "Universe's Deadliest Man." Funny story: Day before it was published, I killed the entire Laverk Times editorial staff for a completely unrelated matter.
Well, at least it seemed funny to me at the time. Maybe you had to have been there.
"May I run my conclusions by you now, Rico?" Dip asked.
"Sure. What do you got?"
"I conclude that you are evil. Is this correct?"
He's been concluding that for quite some time. It's getting hard to come up with new answers to that one. "Ever think that maybe you're evil, and thus your views on things are skewed by that?"
"I conclude that you are not mentally well. Is this correct?"
"How can you say that? Can you really take all the mental states of all the sentients out there and make a norm? And even if you could, wouldn't that just be the normal mental state selected by evolution, and thus not necessarily the best?"
"I conclude that you don't like me. Is this correct?"
"Well, do you like me?"
"Furthermore, my original programming had given me the conclusion that 'crime doesn't pay.' Yet, you are often paid for crime with no discernible retribution. Should I amend that preprogrammed conclusion, Rico?"
"The key word is 'discernible,' Dip. Some believe there are cosmic forces that equalize the universe, and thus I will eventually have punishment for these 'crimes' as you call them... if those people are correct, I mean." Me, I don't "believe" in things. I basically just deal with the input given me… like Dip.
"I shall process your answers."
"You do that. Now jump this vessel somewhere."
"Somewhere... somewhere I haven't been before."
"I remind you, Rico, I work better when given more exact input."
"Dip, you should know by now what I and this vessel usually need between jobs, so find a planet with that - one friendly to humans - and go."
"I think the planet..."
"Don't tell me. Just go! And wake me when we're there."
He Should Have Laid the Beat Down on Some Norks
I've never been much into "Pro" Wrestling, but this story of Ric Flair's visit to North Korea shouldn't be missed.
And, while I'm linking, I have to say there are some times when Roger Ebert annoys me, but the true joy from his reviews is seeing him casually eviscerate some Hollywood schlock.
Ask Dr. Duck
This is RightWingDuck with this weeks episode of Ask Dr. Duck. Earlier in the week, you folks posted questions for the Ask Ducky segment of our podcast - now it's time to post the questions that only I, Dr. Duck, can answer from years of experience and lot of drinking. Remember, I'll answer questons on anything except math.
Here are my answers to the first segment. If you don't see your question it means that it really sucked or that I used it for the upcoming podcast. (note, I changed some of the intro's to "Dear. Dr. Duck" to reflect the Friday theme and to flirt with censorship in my own little way.
Other than FIRST!,
No, But you will look slightly less dorky. At least, slightly less dorky than Spacemonkey.
Chick and Hellary are gay because New York is all about the make over.
Dear Dr. Duck,
Can't we just airlift Israel somewhere else then nuke the whole Middle East? It'd solve many of our problems.
Yes we could, but that would involve a lot of work. And we’re busy right now with stuff. Plus, have you seen the price of gas lately. Man, we need to invade someone.
What does the red button do?
I believe it activates the blue button.
Dear Dr. Duck,
You readers and your silly imagination. Of course not. What will happen is that these creatures will develop super powers and become super heroes. The Cockroach will become cockroachman. The ant will become ant-man. And the spider, well, I don’t know what it will become, but I’m sure it would make a great hit movie.
How many yellow cakes does Joe Wilson need to find to make a WMD?
It depends on what kind of tea they are serving at the embassy.
Why "Right Wing Duck"? Don't you find it difficult to fly like that? Do you just fly around in circles, flapping uselessly, quacking in murderous rage, while all the centrist ducks with two wings laugh at you?
Wait, you wanted something on WMDs... here's one- don't you thibk we should drop a big nuke on top of whatever Baghdad neighborhood Zarqawi's hiding in and then hold a press conference and say "Look, we found one! They were trying to make a really, really big IED to use on Joe Foo and Buck and it backfired on them!"
Wouldn't that be awsome?
Posted by Chainik Hocker
I’m righthanded – and on most non weekends I’m fairly able to walk in a straight line. Silly. Being a right wing duck means that I see things from the right point of view. Being a centrist duck means youget sucked into a lot of airplane engines.
I knew I could turn that into a question.
No. Don’t give him back his glasses. Take them on vacation and email travel pics to IMAO. It's a contest!! "Are these Monkey's glasses? " Email pics to rightwingduckatyahoodotcom.
Why do you want WMD questions? I mean, how interested can you be in Wussy Mendacious Democrats?
Everyone needs a hobby.
Dear Dr. Duck,
If scientists can dare dream of creating some kind of a smart nano device with infrared-detection capabilities through extraction of proteins located in the pit cells of snakes such as the copperhead, rattlesnake and water moccasin (holding membranes capable of sensing temperature changes as small as two thousandths of a degree, a capability far exceeding state-of-the-art manmade sensors), then can't a similar theory be constructed to create an evil terrorist-seeking WMD and if so, what evil-detecting creature(s) would be prime study targets?
(sounding like Homer Simpson)
Yes, Uber, Ducky’s a Doctor.
My lawn is a quagmire from being overwatered - is Pres. Bush to blame for that? If so, am I in danger of crazy liberal hippies showing up at my house to protest?
As you know, a Quagmire is anything that involves work or is inconvenient. So of course Bush is to blame for your lawn. My recommendation it to keep watering it – why? It keeps the hippies off.
If a nuclear weapon on a US warship leaves Boston heading east at 25 knots, and a dirty bomb hidden on a container ship leaves Jeddah heading west at 18 knots, how long will it take for AlJazeera to complain about American hegemony?
I’m sorry, I don’t do math questions.
If a tactical nuke took out Ted Kennedy in the woulds, and no one was around, would that leave just Moore's Wide Mouth of Decite? Would anyone care that we took out half of Mass.?
Hmmm. That brings up one of those timeless questions: Does a Kennedy Should in the Woulds? But yes, that would leave us with Michael M. If you took out half of Mass that would upset me as some of my closest friends are Catholic.
You know, I used to see those dogs too. I thought they were Punk Rock Dogs. Kennedy in speedo? Makes sense, we know he can swim, even if his secretaries can’t. Technically, it DID stop Mary Jo Kopechne from eating.
Hmmm. My question:
Sometimes they fall in the forest, sometimes they fall in the city. Don’t worry, NASA does the calculations so that they only fall in poor neighborhoods. Be careful, if it conks you on the head, you’ll end up forgetting stuff. It’s weird, every once in a while you see a poor person pushing a discarded rocket around in a shopping cart! Hey, you can good recyclin’ money from that. More if you’re in Delaware.
>-\(o:@ (Frank J.)
What does "P.S." stand for? Being intelligent, does the fact that I can't think of it mean that it was invented by Karl Rove to make me miserable?
First, look around for any discarded booster rockets. No? Then I’m Pretty Sure (P.S.) that Rove is to blame.
No. There’s only one. What part of MASS don’t you understand. One Frenchman can’t damage an entire city, fool! You need at least two.
Posted by SkyeChild
Sorry, I don’t do math questions.
Three. Two if he’s low-carbing.
No. Ted brings death and destruction one secretary at a time. Why? Because he cares?
How many nukes to the center of a Tootsie Pop?
Well, if a nuke in the warehouse falls over and it falls on your Tootsie Pop – One? The U-235 is 3 calories less – Duh! And the flavor thing is a matter of personal taste. I like to dip the Plutonium like it's Lick a Stick candy using an Inanimate Carbon Rod.
Maybe it is Saddam? Are there any French people "helping him with the math". When he asks for Koffi's help, is he surprised that you bring something in a cup?
You should kidnap the accountant and stick him in a hole underground for 3 days. Pull him out and take him back to work. People will either say, “HEY, it’s Saddam Hussein” or “Those damn crazy accountants”. Keep track of how many times you hear each phrase.
Okay. It's Friday, so post your questions for Ask Dr. Duck. I'll post answers by 3pm California Duck Time.
Shut Up, Aswat!
It looks like probably 7/7 "mastermind" Aswat has been captured. Everytime I hear of the devious Aswat on TV I think, "Are they really allowed to say that?" I mean, it's hard to tell a 't' sound from a 'd' sound, and it's just very improper for news people to be saying such a phrase. Hopefully he doesn't have kids so we won't have some liberal come on TV and cry about the "poor little Aswats."
And who are his co-conspirators? Fookfaic and Deekwead?
(For more wacky IMAO fun, come up with your own terrorist names and post them in the comments)
Up Up and Away!
Sarah, who has been sick this week, still made time to put up pictures of the shuttle take-off from Tuesday.
Now we just have to wait for the return from the return to flight.
UPDATE: The fake SarahK also has photos and commentary :P
July 28, 2005
Avast, Me 'Earties, Carnival Of Comedy 13 Is Under Sail!
All you scurvy humor swabbies batten down your haha hatches, make sight of ye laugh latitude and set yer comedic course for the Carnival of Comedy on the High Seas.
Excellent job guys! Truly a pirate's treasure of humorous riches!
The Carnival is Scheduled to be in the following ports of call:
Send inquiries about hosting the Carnival of Comedy to spacemonkey.you.suck-@t-gmail-d0t.-com. (remove the appropriate nonsense)
Info about joining the Carnival of Comedy is here.
A Story, Bit-by-Bit
Superego: Part 3 - Dip
I took a rocket from my pocket and tossed it in the air. It immediately took flight and headed for the nearest large heat signature. I heard a siren come nearly overhead followed by an explosion and no more siren. Fiery debris landed around me, which was nice since it was a bit chilly out.
I leaned over to speak into the com on my left shoulder. "Come pick me up, Dip."
"I've noticed a correlation between increased traffic on police channels of communications and your wanting to be picked up. In the future, should I just assume that..."
"Just pick me up, Dip! And make it a quick exit."
The sirens seemed to have slowed in their pursuit, but I didn't know how long they'd stay smart. Luckily, my ship was fast and got to me in seconds, temporarily slowing to allow me to grab on to the side before it lifted up again. I didn't waste any time getting into the cockpit and strapping in.
"Where are we going?"
"Up, Dip! Up!"
I never liked AI. Maybe because I can't hurt it.
It started getting noisy.
"Are they shooting at me?" I asked as I looked at the rearview screen. You'd think me blowing up one of their vehicles would make them more wary, but some sentients just never learn.
I hit The Button. I never cared much for ship-to-ship battles, so I looked over tons of data on likely patterns in airborne fights and wrote a macro for the ship's weapons systems and connected the activation of that macro to a big button on the ship's console. Then I painted the button red because that seemed like the color for such a button.
There were some explosions behind me and then silence, but I had also reach space, and space is always silent.
"You are now wanted for murder on 1,418 planets," Dip informed me, "Am I correct in saying that is quite a lot of planets, Rico?"
Dip is basically a huge algorithm that takes in data to improve its AI. In that quest, he asks me lots of questions to confirm his conclusions.
"So, Dip, that makes what percentage of planets in the known universe wants me for murder?"
My theory is he's more likely to develop an actual intelligence if I never give him a straight answer and finally frustrate him into figuring things out on his own. Or maybe I just don’t like answering absolutes.
"Approximately one times ten to the negative six percent of the planets in my database has you wanted for murder."
"Now, does that seem like a large percentage?"
"It is my understanding that most sentients would consider that number to be extremely small."
"That's the great thing about the universe, Dip. You can massacre an entire planet and still find a nearly infinite number of places to go where no one has ever heard of you."
"Are there any other great things about the universe you could give me as input?"
I looked out the window. "It's mainly black." That's my favorite color.
"I have processed this new data and reached a number of conclusions. May I run those conclusions by you, Rico, and get your feedback?"
I took out Niko and plugged him into a data port. "In a minute, Dip." Time to finish up the job. Plus, Vito had some 'splainin' to do.
Best of the Web Retrospective
Best of the Web, one of my favorite daily internet reads, turns five today. The writer were on vacation, but they're celebrating the anniversary with a retrospective. Yesterday, they wrote about their first 411 days, ending with September 11, 2001, and the WSJ's recovery. I highly recommend giving it a read.
Today, they continue with reactions from right after 911 up to Rachel Corrie's inevitable demise and will finish the retrospective tomorrow.
I Don't Wish to Be Argumentative, But I Disagree with the Islamic Belief that I Should Be Killed
An Editorial by Frank J.
You'll never usually get far arguing religion, as there are so many deeply held beliefs on that subject. Also, it's American tradition not to be overly critical of someone's religious views as we have a culture of tolerance. Still, I think it needs to be said that the Islamic teaching that I must be killed is something I find to be wrongheaded.
"If radical atheists decided they needed to kill believers to ensure their place in nothingness, I'd be criticizing that too."
I'm a Christian (a "Xian" if you want to be hip about it), and I follow Jesus who I believe to be the son of God. Now, you can point out how "wacky" that is empirically, but most would find that crass. So does that mean I'm being hypocritical when I criticize the "wacky" Islamic belief that I should be murdered? You could make that argument, but I think there is a difference.
Now people murder all the time, usually for completely non-religious reasons. And, if we took a poll, I bet you'd get more than a two-thirds majority saying that murder is very wrong. Despite this, the intense feelings associated with religion often have led directly or indirectly to killing. While Jesus (the son of God, I remind you) was very much against killing anyone, including unbelievers, and there is no precedent for murder in the New Testament - quite the opposite in fact - there have been many deaths in the name of Jesus (quite to his consternation, I betcha). Thus, it seems quite imperative that religions stress as much as possible that murder is wrong. And, of all the major religions, Islam seems to be the one slacking in that area.
Now, you may question whether I'm really making a religious or philosophical argument here or am instead taking this position out of the selfish motive of not wanting to be killed. That's certainly a valid question, as I don't want to be killed, and the reasons for that don't necessarily have to do with my religious beliefs. Still, that bias admitted, it does not invalidate any merits to my argument. Also, some may think I'm unfairly singling out Muslims, but if radical atheists decided they needed to kill believers to ensure their place in nothingness, I'd be criticizing that too.
Instead of just being negative, though, why don't I be constructive and offer Muslims reasons why it's completely unnecessary to kill me or other unbelievers. Now, I think our beliefs are similar in that we think that unbelievers will burn eternally in hell. Now, think about that: eternally in hell. Now, someone criticizing my belief system can be quite annoying, but, if I murdered him or her now, is that eternity in hell going to be any longer or shorter than if I waited for that person to die from natural death? No; eternity is eternity. I think a great attitude for Muslims would be, "Man, I hate the joooos and the Crusaders, but, they're all going to burn eternally in hell - Allah be praised - so why get worked up over it?" Also, if you don't kill someone who doesn't believe like you do, that gives him or her a chance to convert, which I think most would say is even better than having the person roast in fires that burn but do not consume.
Of course, I think the Muslims are going to burn in hell, and they think I'm going to burn in hell, but that's not really the issue. We'll all find out who is right when we die, hopefully from a nice, natural death... unless the atheists are right; then, we'll never know and that will suck (it sucks from my current perspective, that is; were I to die and descend into to nothingness, I'm sure I'd have no opinion on the issue at that time).
Just my two cents on religion. See you in hell.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is a frequent contributor to IMAOPodcast.com. He is also the author of such books as "It Was Jesus Who Moved My Cheese!" and "Zero Fun Things to Do in Hell".
The Zatoichi of Videogames
He's blind and he can own you in Mortal Kombat or Soul Caliber 2. An inspirational story for kids struggling with their videogame skills. He plays using a combination of memorization and listening for audio cues. He wants to be a videogame designer, and my question is what aspects of videogaming would he have more acute knowledge of than the average player (other than the obvious - sound)?
Notice the widescreen behind him in the photo? Now that's a waste.
Incidentally, there was a two-player fighting game I could beat people with while blindfolded. It was Tobal 2 - never released in America - and I spent a while watching people play it on an imported Playstation at college, doing all sorts of fancy moves and combos. It looked complicated, but I decided to give it a try as a joke. I then did what everyone does when playing a new game they don't know the controls to - spaz! I just randomly hit buttons as fast as I could... and I was unbeatable! I was performing unbelievable combos of kicks and punches and wasted everyone in seconds. It frustrated those to no end who spent hours playing the game that I, who still didn't know which button was the "kick" button, could stand outside the room randomly hitting buttons on the controller and beat anyone. I even once turned off the video input and watched a TV show while hitting random buttons on the controller and beat the single player game that way.
Never found another spaz game as good as Tobal 2, and doubt I ever will.
The News Round-Up, Thursday
NASA today confirmed that a piece of insulation fell of during the launch of space shuttle Discovery.
Man. Millions of dollars per launch and they can’t keep it from falling apart.
In Utah, a bunch of guys bought a billboard to help their buddy get more dates. True story. The guy is 31, a Harvard MBA, and – as required by Utah law – a Mormon.
So his buddies buy some billboard space which asks women to date this guy.
You know what I'd like to see?
Lance: Hey, you guys bought me a billboard? You guys are the greatest.
Guys: Sure thing, man. You deserve the best.
Lance: Guys, how come only half a billboard? Not to be ungrateful but why do I share space with an ad for Levitra?
Guys: Sorry, it was either that or Coca Cola.
You know what would be cool? To see a bunch of women buy a nearby billboard saying, “Buzz off” or “Nah, I’m not interested.”
Speaking of which, we need a Shut Up Alec billboard.
Baldwin reasoned that "if the largest, most economically significant state in America could elect a man who is totally unqualified for the job, then they can elect anyone."
Which would be true, except that even by those standards Alec is still under qualified.
What does Arnold have that Alec doesn’t have? Besides successful films?
Hey ALEC! If I want to know what Kim Bassinger looks like naked – I’ll COME TO YOU! Either that – or rent 9 ½ weeks.
Why do actors think they can be governor just because an actor like Arnold did it?
Are there guys out there with one testicle thinking, “Hey, I could win the Tour de France.”?
Oh, yeah. Lance Armstrong won his 7th Tour the France.
I wish I had more jokes on the Armstrong victory. Really, I don’t follow bicycling.
I don’t know much about it. Do they put baseball cards on their spokes?
All I know is that it’s the one time people aren’t cursing at riders for not following the traffic laws.
But congratulations to Lance who won the coveted Yellow Jersey. Yellow being France’s national color.
Too bad, if Lance had served in the French military he’d have a pair of matching pants.
In Russia, the country’s biggest spammer was found brutally murdered.
I hope they catch the guy who did it so he can get what he really deserves – like champagne, or flowers, or chocolate.
They should give the eulogy the way that he would want it..
"We are here to remember the life of Vardan Kushnir. And while we think about life think about saving over 20% on life insurance from Zurich Direct. No interest. Click here. Gotcha, I’m not going away."
How do you bury a spammer? With lots of unwanted junkmail. But you might say, “Ducky, he’ll never get rid of it. He’ll be stuck with that crap forever.” Hmmm. You mean LIKE SPAM?
Ancient languages? THIS is how you make cheap films, people.
You mess up a line? Who’s gonna know?
Actor: “Abuya lana lana kai haba haba kui. Oh, I’m sorry. We'll have to re-shoot. I messed that up. I should have said haba haba koli.”
Mel Gibson: “Eh- @#$% it.”
I would like to officially announce that my next post will be done in wingding. Coming soon!
Speaking of wingdings -representative Tom Tancredo is coming under fire for his http://msnbc.msn.com/id/8703595/">recent statements. During an interview, he stated that America should respond to any nuclear attack on our land by nuking Mecca!!
Now, people are screaming for an apology.
Bombing Holy Sites is wrong people. Just plain wrong. Holy sites should be used for their intended purpose – weapons storage.
Enjoy your day.
July 27, 2005
Ask Ducky, Podcast
Okay gang. It's time for your fleeting moment of fame. You too could hear your name broadcast over the podwaves.
Please submit your questions for Ask Ducky. I'll answer any question but especially would like to field questions on nukes and WMD's.
BTW, any question that does not make the podcast will be the first questions answered for Friday's Ask Dr. Duck segment.
Winners get a genuine stick figure smiley representation of the honorable Frank J.
Submit a question or your own Frank J. smiley artwork.
A Story, Bit-by-Bit
Superego: Part 2 - Shooting People
I didn't expect six to try and draw on me at once, but, to be honest, I wasn't expecting anything. I like to be surprised.
Now I'm fast - we're talking brain altered by top neurosurgeons fast - but I'm not usually fast enough to shoot six humanoids before any can get off a shot... especially since I didn't have the drop on them or anything. Still, I had drawn my two blasters and shot two of them before the rest had even a full grip on their guns. Those shots panicked the rest, and only one bolt came even near me. When the noise died down, there were more than six bodies lying on the ground. I wasn't sure if it was my shots or theirs that killed the others, but, frankly, in the past few seconds I had grown a deep-seated prejudice against purple aliens with tentacles coming out of their heads and thus didn't really care.
Their blood was orange, if you were curious. If there’s come correlation between alien skin color and blood color, I never figured it out.
"Anyone else?" I asked as I put my guns back in their holsters. The aliens made a number of sounds, all of them variations of the word "No" according to my universal translator.
I dropped Niko out so Niko could do what Niko does - collect DNA and other info off corpses for verifying I had done my job - while I headed for the door. This was a civilized city in that I could expect police to show up at some point. In some places, the reaction time for police was so quick they'd be there half-way through the trigger pull. In others, I had enough time to play a couple hands of Solitaire before making my hasty escape. I used to look up police response time before landing on the planet, but I stopped a while ago to add a little spice to otherwise boring hits.
Niko crawled up my leg and into my pocket, his spider-like body folding back into a ball. Hopefully one of those I killed was the target, but, if not, I was still getting off this rock either way. I wasn't the one who screwed this up.
I was just a couple yards from the bar when I heard sirens coming my way. Now, if I was after a dangerous psychopath, I'd probably be quieter about it - if I weren't me, that is. Well, maybe the first officer on the scene could at least serve as a cautionary example to others.
Questions About Dean Need To be Assked
Read Townhall's coverage of this speech given by Governor Doctor Howard Dean. Done? OK, I have a few questions especially regarding comments such as this part.
"The president and his right-wing Supreme Court think it is 'okay' to have the government take your house if they feel like putting a hotel where your house is," Dean said,"Ok here are my questions regarding Dean, who is my favorite Democratic Party Chairman, EVER and his awesome speechifying.
2) Do the seats of his pants muffle his voice or does he just drop a mic. down the back?
3) When he leaves the podium are there obvious skidmarks on the microphone covers?
I rectum I already know the answers, butt I wanted to assk anyway.
ht to Redstate.org
Wonkette Says John Roberts "Not Gay Enough"
Even with his penchant for plaid pants and his eagerness to wrestle with sweaty, half-naked young men, Supreme Court Nominee John Roberts faced strong criticism from the left for his lack of overt homosexuality.
"When Roberts was first introduced," said butt-sex-loving possibly-closeted-lesbian leftist blogger Wonkette. "I thought that Bush was trying to break ground with the first Gay-American Supreme Court justice. Why else would he give a girl's SCOTUS seat to a guy?"
"But as I looked deeper into his past, I was disappointed. Sure, he was a man-grabbing drama-princess in high school, but he also played football - although that last may have been an excuse to snag an eyeful of locker-room boy-booty."
"I really got my hopes up," continued Wonkette, "when I read that he'd had a role in the musical 'You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown'. I thought that if he played that *ahem* thumb-sucker Linus - you know, the one who kept rebuffing that pretty blond girl, Sally - that would seal the deal on him being light in the loafers. Unfortunately, he played Peppermint Patty."
"I guess I should give him SOME gay-cred for portraying a lesbian, though."
When questioned directly at a recent press conference, Roberts briefly acknowledged his disappointly mild homosexuality.
"Of course I'm gay," said Roberts. "Who wouldn't be festive & cheerful after being nominated to the Supreme Court? But I'll try to contain myself until after the hearings."
Find Out How Deep the Rabbit Hole Goes
Though many people are talking about the Valerie Plame controversy, most still don't understand what it is about. Thus, as a public service, I thought I'd do the research and inform everyone in an easy to read FAQ targeted at those with short attention spans.
Only problem is I have a short attention span and this stuff is boring!
So, I may have embellished things to make it more interesting... or just made everything up. Anyhoo, here is...
THE VALERIE PLAME CONTROVERSY FAQ
Q. Who is Valerie Plame?
Q. And she posed recently in Vanity Fair?
Q. Who is Joe Wilson?
Q. What plot?
Q. The true reason?
Q. Why hasn't Joe Wilson mentioned this?
Q. By leaking the name of Joe Wilson's wife? I don't get?
Q. I thought Rove talked to Matt Cooper.
Q. Which river?
Q. But you're sure it will be a river and not a lake or some other body of water?
Q. I assume the plan failed since Valerie Plame is still alive.
Q. Was the cat evil?
Q. Then did Joe Wilson continue on to find the full truth?
Q. But that book seemed to be full on inane blather.
Q. The conspiracy in which the tip is the rubber industry? Seems like there is a joke there...
Q. Discounts on tires?
Q. So we're talking about an alien conspiracy?
Q. A rubber-eating alien conspiracy?
Q. But why?
Q. Just like in Half Life 2?
Q. Yes it was! So is Karl Rove is reality one of these rubber eating aliens?
Q. Is there anything we can do?
livin' la vida loco
Well renowned intellectual Ricky Martin recently took a stab at raising awareness about Arab profiling. Martin, a former member of Menudo and "Livin' La Vida Loca" one-hit wonder, attended the silver jubilee of the Arab Children's Congress in Jordan. Martin posed for photos with Arab teenage fans and at one point a traditional Arab kaffiyeh headscarf with the slogan "Jerusalem Is Ours" written in Arabic was draped over his shoulders.
"I had no idea that the kaffiyeh scarf presented to me contained language referring to Jerusalem, and I apologize to anyone who might think I was endorsing its message," Martin said in a statement released Monday by his New York-based publicist, Ken Sunshine.
Unfortunately, this isn't the first time that Martin has found himself in this type of awkward situation . . .
Educational Primer: The Federalist Society
RightWingDuck with some true facts for you to ponder.
John Roberts has been nominated to the Supreme Court and already the lunacy is beginning. Did you hear that John Kerry demanded that Roberts release all of his records? Are you kidding me? What's next - Ted Kennedy demanding Sobriety tests? Bill Clinton investigating his marital fidelity?
One issue that has come up more than once is Mr. Roberts membership in an organization called The Federalist Society? What is this thing? Is it like a hair club for men? Is it a social club? Well, thankfully, you guys don't really care - which means you are absolutely at the right website.
Here is RWD's Educational Primer: The Federalist Society
The Federalist Society was founded in order to better battle the liberal legal mindset that was threatening to overwhelm the legal community. This was a vast improvement over the original method - dueling with Rock 'em Sock 'em Robots.
The organzation was founded in 1982 after hearing the hit single by Hall & Oates - I Can't Go For That - No Can Do. Which was not only motivational - but had a beat you could dance to.
Meetings are held once a month. With a convention held once a year at a top secret undisclosed location found only by word of mouth and checking the Fed Soc website.
Last year, they were hoping to have Ann Coulter jump out of a cake. If they had, they'd have more members than AAA.
Upon membership, each Fed Soc member is issued an exclusive 14k gold ring, which functions as the sympbol of prestige and membership - plus has a nifty decoding device.
It goes without saying that membership can neither be confirmed nor denied. It's like serving with John Kerry!
At the Five Year mark, members are given a Fed Soc Coffee Mug and Commemorative plate set.
The Federalist Society has offices in all 50 states except Massachusetts and California where, in the interest of fairness and balance - conservative viewpoints are outlawed.
In the initial years, being admitted to the Fed Soc was like joining a Fraternity. There was even hazing involved. Most didn't mind the paddling, or eating of worms - however it was deemed cruel to have pledges recite The Best of Molly Ivins.
Like all good Conservative Facilities the main campus includes a dining room. The menu features Tuna Safe Dolphin. In fact, you can choose the one you want right out of the tank. It's Flipperific!
Well, there's nothing like good information, and believe me, this was nothing like good information *rimshot*
Take Care and keep alert. As the Fed Soc members would say, "vsmy er s;; kidy hry s;pmhzz" (Hint: Use the Decoder Ring)
July 26, 2005
If the Shuttle makes it back, scrap it.
Oh great... I saw in the Washington Times that "debris" fell off the space shuttle at launch. God, I pray that the seven astronauts make it safely back to Earth.
When they are back home, roll the shuttle off the runway of Edwards AFB and scrap it. The shuttle should be a museum piece like the Saturn V rocket and outer space should be commercialized using free market principles on safety grounds alone.
All of the systems onboard the current shuttles would be high tech if it was July 26, 1985 rather than July 26, 2005. The shuttle as a whole is a pathetically outdated piece of machinery (even though no other nation on Earth has even come close to building a functioning duplicate). For redundancy's sake, the shuttle has four computer systems. Unfortunately, those are 1990 era computers that couldn't even install Windows 95. There have been no retrofits or redesigns of the shuttle's chassis in 20 years.
I remember reading a year or two ago that the average American buys a new car every five years and cited advances in safety (airbags, anti-lock brakes, etc) as one of the prime motivators for the purchase.
If a new car is purchased every five years due primarily for safety concerns to drive to your office, why should it be safe sending people up to orbit the Earth in a 30 year-old spacecraft that has already blown up twice?
Let me put it like this: How safe would you be if you had to drive to work in a 1977 Vista Cruiser that hasn't been driven in three years? Oh, and did I mention that you'd be commuting from Alaska to Argentina in that Vista Cruiser?
Nothing against the good people at NASA, but let's spend more on the commercialization of space rather than flushing money down another government monopoly. Let's get some free market solutions for space travel with more X-Prizes and more upstarts like Armadillo Aerospace.
Who knows? With the rate of innovation the high-tech sector normally brings when working within a free market framework, we could all be going on vacation to the Moon in our flying cars before the next presidential election.
A Story, Bit-by-Bit
Superego: Part 1 - Organized Crime
There are two main parts to organized crime: the organization and the crime. I focus pretty much exclusively on the crime half... and I'm very good at that half. But those tasked with the organization have a tendency to screw things up from time to time, and, to be frank, that sometimes makes me a little irate. And, as a certified psychopath, you think people would be more cautious about making me irate.
I took out my phone. "Vito, my instruction were to kill the purple alien with tentacles out of its head at the north most bar in Zertres, right?"
"Yeah. What's up?"
"I see about three dozen purple aliens with tentacles coming out of their heads in front of me, that's what."
"Uh... maybe I got the instructions wrong. Maybe you're supposed to kill the alien there that isn't purple with tentacles coming out of its head."
"That would be me, Vito! And I don't get paid enough to take on someone as dangerous as me. Can you at least get me a name?"
"No, I'm afraid I'm a couple layers away from where the order originated. The target should be there, but it would probably take me hours to..."
I hung up on Vito and took a deep breath (never kill angry). One option was to kill everyone there, but I had neither the time nor the explosives for that. Since about all the patrons of the bar were looking at me and noting my lack of purpleness and tentacles, I decided to try a direct approach to locate my target. I've never been much for discretion anyway; I'm a hitman, not an assassin.
"Anyone here have reasons a major crime syndicate would want him dead?"
Carnival of Comedy Reminder
Don't forget the Carnival of Comedy is coming up Thursday, July 28th!
The crew at RHOG are hosting the Carnival this week. Thanks Guys!
If you have a good, funny post or for that matter any other funny something, there's still lots of time to get your funny on!
Send inquiries about hosting the Carnival of Comedy to spacemonkey.you.suck-@t-gmail-d0t.-com. (remove the appropriate nonsense)
Info about joining the Carnival of Comedy is here.
Time to Get My Hippy On
(cross-posted from Bad Example)
Matty O'Blackfive says Jane Fonda's going to be protesting the Iraq war, and...
Fonda said her anti-war tour in March will use a bus that runs on “vegetable oil.”
Sorry, but as a member of People For the Ethical Treatment of Vegetables, I'm protestin'!
"No veggies for oil!"
"Hey! Hey! Fonda, J.! How many carrots did you kill today?"
"Give peas a chance!"
"Jane lied! Turnips died!"
"Your hands are red with the juice of innocent tomatoes!"
"Avacados are not the enemy!"
"Jane Fonda: herbicidal maniac!"
"How many ears per gallon?"
"Kill one person it's murder; kill thousands of beans and it's fuel!"
"Free speech, not processed leeks!"
"Jane Fonda is Mazola's puppet!"
"Real patriots defend potatoes!"
"The road to peace is not paved with pea pods!"
Don't let Jane get away with this atrocity against innocent produce!
Godspeed, Brave Travellers
Just came down from the roof of the building I'm working in. First it was just this big flame in the distance traveling skyward, smoke soon forming behind it. It didn't go straight up, but diagonally instead, the path arcing as it got higher. Eventually the flame died down and all I could see was a snake of smoke continuing to grow into the sky, with little flashes at its tip. Then the smoke stopped completely and there was a little white speck continuing to move through the blue. Eventually, my eyes became watery from looking upwards towards the sun, and I lost sight of it.
Good luck, spacemen!
UPDATE: SarahK took some pictures from where she works and will post them tonight.
A Fun Political Activity for the Whole Family!
NARAL (which is not an acronym for a phrase with "abortion" in it) sent me a script to call my Senators with:
Hi, my name is _________ and I'm one of Senator ___________'s constituents. I'm calling to urge the senator to oppose the confirmation of John Roberts to the Supreme Court. I know Roberts has led a distinguished legal career, but he also has a clear record as a legal activist who has advocated for the overturn of Roe v. Wade and has used public positions to further this goal. This is in direct opposition to the position of the vast majority of Americans and Sandra Day O'Connor's legacy. I ask that the senator oppose any nominee who will not respect my right to personal freedom and personal responsibility.
I was thinking of actually calling up my Senators and reading that as robotically as possible. Instead, I had a brilliant new idea:
OUTRAGED LETTER TEMPLATE MADLIBS!!!
Okay, everyone list:
Got those all written down? (don't proceed until you do)
Now fill them in this:
Hi, my name is ___1___ and I am very ___2___ about your activities involving ___3___. Frankly, I hope you go eat your own ___4___. Your organization is ___5___ and makes me want to ___6___ you all in your stupid, monkey ___7___. I know your "outrage" over John Roberts is just a ploy to raise money to pay for your ___8___. I'm so disgusted I almost ___9___ on my new ___10___. I hope you all get hit by a ___11___.
Put your results in the comments and then call and read your message to NARAL - (202) 973-3000.
I dare you!
George and The Spin Factory, Part 2
George and the Spin Factory Part 2.
We look in on President George Bush as he glares at his Oval Office Radio. “You take that back you lying sack of sugar. Who in heck is going to believe that boy when he says that Rove has the mark of the beast on his back?”
“Lots of people do, sir. Lots of them.”
“We should get rid of them. How could they be of any use to us?”
“On the contrary sir, each election, a certain percentage of those people mistakenly vote Republican. It’s a small but important number. We call it the Bong Blip.”
“I don’t care, I tell you. I don’t see how people believe this stuff.I have my best people out there trying to fight all these lies. Where's my remote control? What channel is today’s press conference on?
“All of them, Mr. President.”
“Okay, where’s the All button? Oops. Oh there’s Scotty right now.”
“Thank you for joining us today at this press conference.”
“Al Franken says that Rove bears the mark of the best. Your opinion?”
The President watches from his office. “Watch this – he’s gonna tear him apart.”
“We can neither confirm nor deny that Mr. Rove bears the mark of the beast. In fact, we don’t know WHERE he shops – but we do believe it should be his own personal business. No matter what the Patriot Acts says in the fine print."
“See – nothing but the best. How do they make that stuff stick?”
Slowly, the invitations start to go out.
We catch up to Michael Moore, who sits at home – eating.
“Sir, you have received an interesting email.” Said Seymour.
“I told you to tell them it was Artistic License.”
“No, sir. It’s not the usual email. It’s the other kind?”
"It appears you are invited to attend a function of Al Franken and Company."
"So you are excited by this, sir?"
"No. I mean, get me some hot dog. You guys are really slow today. And call the Hygiene Cabin - tell them to have the full crew ready."
Dan Rather sits in his office. "So this is a computer, huh? Wow, this is cool. This is nothing like a typewriter – oh so THAT’S what they mean by ‘font’?"
"Yes, Mr. Rather. "
"So how come I haven’t heard from Al Franken? I want an invite to that tour. You HAVE been calling him, haven't you?"
"Sir, I’ve left messages for him repeatedly.."
"And you’re saying…?"
"What you told me to say sir, that the Most Powerful Man in the History of Broadcasting would like a word with him…"
"Funny. He should have called by now."
“Mr. President. You have a letter here.”
“Look at that. Ain’t that pretty. It says right here: To The Real Winner Of the 2000 election. It look"s like some kind of invitation? Where did you find this?”
“Uh, for some strange reason it was stuck to a tree out on Pennsylvania Avenue.”"
“Ha ha. You mean near that spot where Al Gore used to sit right after I was declared the winner of the 2000 election? I miss that. I’m glad we pinned up that fake beard on that tree – reminds me of simpler days.”
“Yes, Mr. President.”
“Gee, those sure were fun days, weren’t they. Me waving at him from the Oval Office window. Him waving back giving me the thumbs up...”
“Ahem. Mr. President. Er. That wasn’t his thumb”
“Thanks Betty for joining us on the Katie show and sharing your recipe with us, today”
Matt Lauer looks on . Surprised. “Katie, it’s not called the Katie show. It’s called…”
“SHUT up. You want it to be called the MATT SHOW don’t you. Don’t you.? Anyway, Betty. Thanks for coming on and sharing your recipe for Evil American Empire Muffins. ”
“Sure,Katie, but they’re called American Muffins, not..”
“Whatever. That’s it for today’s show. On tomorrow’s show we’ll talk about a poor, sad Iraqi boy who is being held by the American Military in Iraq. We’ll share his sad story with you and make you hate America even more than we do. Bye bye now.”
The producer steps out from behind the camera. “That’s a wrap people. Katie, what’s with the poor Iraqi boy?”
“Oh, aren’t we doing that segment on Saddam Hussein? Deep down, he’s just a poor, scared little boy.”
“Yeah,” said Matt. “A poor little boy who slaughtered millions of people.”
“Shut up, YOU! IT’S NOT THE ‘MATT SHOW’ YOU HEAR ME?!!!”
“Mr. President – may I remind you that in all probability, that letter was meant for former Vice President Al Gore? Many on the left still believe he won the election”
“So? Couldn’t I just go and pretend to be Al Gore?”
“You could – but you don’t even have a beard. And before you say it – the one outside on the tree has bird dropping in it and is filthy.”
“So it’s TOO realistic? Darn it. Hey, what if we look in the Holiday supply closet? Didn’t one of the Christmas Santa’s have a black beard?”
“Yes, sir. That was the Latino Clause outfit. Very much like the American Santa Clause but with a few culturally sensitive changes.”
Tune in tomorrow for more of this semi-interesting story.
July 25, 2005
Tell Me Vegetable Oil Is Prone to Uncontrollable Combustion
You'd think Jane Fonda may have gained some insight in her years since being a traitor during Vietnam, but, no, she's going on an anti-war bus tour. Is there anyone in America with less credibility than her to be protesting a war?
Hopefully she'll go all the way again and pose with insurgents in Iraq. Then, Marines can raid the are killing her and all the insurgents in a hail of gunfire. Frankly, I think her being shot to death as an enemy combatant is the only way she'll learn.
Oh, I need to get a quote from my dad on this one...
News Round-Up Monday
Good Afternoon, I’m RightWingDuck and this is your News Round-Up.
Yes, it has been a while hasn't it? So I'll start off easy and work my way up throughout the week.
On a recent trip to the Middle East, singer Ricky Martin said he wants to help Arabs with their stereotypes.
"I have been a victim of stereotypes. I come from Latin America and to some countries, we are considered 'losers,' drug traffickers, and that is not fair because that is generalizing," said Martin, who was born in Puerto Rico.
Because nothing helps the Arab image than to get help from a Latino who won't even admit he’s heterosexual.
Provided he can rustle up enough kids who weren’t working as mules.
Ricky Martin is determined to make a difference. In fact, in their honor, he will launch a new hit single – Living La Vida Jihad.
Does it leave you a bit dizzy? You should take something.
Bom bom bom bom
sometimes you feel like a stroke.
Bom bom bom bom
Sometimes you don’t.
In other news, the Mar’s company says that their new product will have 20 less sugar than your typical placebo.
That’s right. You know what’s worse. The HMO balked at payment.
"I’m sorry, you’re policy only provides coverage for 10 maggots. How will you be paying for the other 25?"
The patient is doing fine and has been moved into the Leech Treatment Ward.
I’d like to be there for that first bedside conversation.
Doctor: Congratulations. Your foot is fine. The maggots ate all the waste!
Patient: Wonderful. You know when you first suggested this, I thought this was some sort of cheap cut-rate hospital.
Doctor: Of course not. Here – Remember to take your M&M’s.
One interesting note. Now doctors will sound like some of my Drill Sergeants. "Good going, maggots. Good going."
Bill declined saying, “That’s what I need – ANOTHER cow.”
Hillary is still considering the offer and is waiting to hear whether the cattle and goats would be allowed to vote.
In other news, Jane Fonda will be launching an Anti-Iraq war tour. That’s right. She decided she could no longer stay quiet and has decided to tour the country to call for an end to the Iraq war.
I think she’s already screwing up. She made this announcement to the press while sitting in a London Double-decker wearing an explosive vest.
You never saw so many people make a mad scramble – mostly because they were looking for the remote detonator.
Oh, in case you haven’t heard – the tour bus will be powered by vegetable oil - which is better for the environment and for the bus’s cholesterol.
Is this a crazy world or what?
Anyway, here’s something you’ll really enjoy.
Al Gore says that he got tips from Johnny Carson on how to deliver jokes.
I can just picture them outside on a sunny day, drinking lemonade and working on jokes.
Johnny: “Okay, kid. Let’s see what you’ve got.”
Al Gore: “Do you know how you can tell the difference between me and a tree?
Johnny: “Good, pause. Look wooden. Great!”
Al Gore: “I’m the one who really invented the forest.”
Johnny: Doooooooh. Great! Now, can you practice moving a bit less?”
Al: “Johnny, I’m over here. You’re talking to the tree again.”
Thanks for visiting. Remember, I can't hear you laugh. If anything tickled your funny bone - post it in comments.
In My World: All Rise for the Honkey
"I want to introduce my new Supreme Court nominee," President Bush told his staff. John Roberts then walked into the room.
"That's not a woman!" Cheney shouted.
"And he looks pretty white," Alberto Gonzales said.
"I think he's a white man!" Condoleezza Rice exclaimed, "Did you know you nominated a white man?"
"Why? What?" Bush asked, quite confused.
"No one is more unpopular these days than white men," Cheney explained.
"But I'm a white man!" Bush responded.
"And you're not polling well right now," Condi stated, "but everyone loves me. I'm a black woman."
"And I'm a torturing Mexican," Alberto said, "I poll through the roof."
"I'm sure you'll all like me when you get to know me," John Roberts said.
"Wow! He's boring sounding!" Alberto declared, "You nominated a boring, stupid gringo, you boring, stupid gringo."
"Aww," Bush moaned, "I thought I picked a nominee good."
"Back in my day, white men did everything," grumbled Rumsfeld, "They even played basketball."
"That's not how things work now," Cheney said, "Dubya, just take your nominee in front of the press and you'll see."
* * * *
"So why did you think the best new nominee for the Supreme Court is some dumb cracker?" asked the first reporter.
"John Roberts has many great qualifications," Bush answered, pointing to John Roberts who stood next to him.
"But you will not deny that he is, in fact, a honkey?"
"Now, I think you'll all find I could make a great Supreme Court Justice if you just interview me," John Roberts said.
"Everyone get close!" a reporter shouted, "I bet he's about to say something extremist!"
The reporters all crowded around John Roberts. "Get those mikes away from me!" he yelled.
"He's against freedom of speech!" shrieked one reporter, "He thinks the freedom of speech is un-Constitutional!"
"That's not what I said," John Roberts stated indignantly.
"Be careful," cautioned another reporter, "I hear if you corner a white man and make him angry, he may lash out and sue!"
* * * *
"Bush's new Supreme Court Justice is one of the most destructive forces known," said the TV announcer as the screen showed scenes of devastation, "a white man! Not only has John Roberts taken the extreme position of being white man, but he also is against the environment, labor, children, and women. With him in the Supreme Court, he won't rest until all humanity is dead - except for the babies women didn't want! Tell the White House now that John Roberts is an unacceptable extremist and a cracker."
"That makes him seem at least a little interesting," Bush said as he turned off the T.V. and went to bed.
"I told you you should have nominated a woman," Laura responded.
Bush chuckled. "A woman judge; now that's wacky."
The Missing Classified Tapes
IMAO had some exclusive newly declassified tapes, but then they got reclassified and were missing from the IMAO Podcast when it first became available this morning. Luckily, we got it declassified again. It's in the podcast now, but, in case you missed it because you downloaded before 11:00am ET, here is the IMAO exclusive in my World of Knowledge segment.
George And The Spin Factory, Part I
George and The Spin Factory - Part I
We join Al Franken and his assistant Dithers at Air America headquarters. The assistant holds the current ratings sheet in his hand.
“Mr. Franken, it looks like your ratings have gone up one tenth of a point. At this rate, we should overtake the ratings achieved by some of the stations we replaced – like the All Caribbean Channel..”
“Excellent. But are we beating anyone right now?”
“Sure, in Detroit, we beat out the ratings of the team we replaced – we now have more listeners than…You Too Can Speak Hmong.”
“I’m a bigger success than I ever could have dreamed of.”
“By the way, boss, my last paycheck bounced. Do you think that..’
“A success, Dithers. An amazing success story. I think it’s time we Gave Something Back to the community. Do you know what that means?”
“That it’s time for a PR stunt?”
Katie Couric sits in her Dressing Wing surrounded by her royal court of make up people.
"Shut up everyone my show is coming on."
“Today’s show was tape delayed so we could bring you the Islamic Comedy Hour. We now join the second most requested show – Al Franken.”
“Hi. This is Al Franken with some important news. Karl Rove is the devil. He has the mark of the beast is which why you will never see him wear a strapless!!”
Katie swoons. “He’s great because he says what I want to believe.”
Back at Al’s office.
"No, not just any PR stunt, Dithers. We will give a handful of select, well deserving Americans a chance to see just how dedicated our offices really are!”
“Well deserving Americans? Oh – CELEBRITIES!! We’ve done that before. We will charge admission again?”
“My blog is going great! Look at all those other bloggers linking to me. Let me look at my sitemeter.. oooh, this one post is seems to be getting a lot of traffic – which one is that?”
The assistant moves the mouse. “Here, let me click on it. ‘Arianna is a big, fat stupidhead. I’d rather stick a dagger in my eardrums than listen to her talk for five minutes.’ I don’t think this Gutfeld likes you very much."
“Well, darling, I guess it’s open to interpretation. Hey, that one seems to be getting a lot of links too, click that one open.”
Okay. Let me read this thing. “This blog is a dreadful waste of time. Why are we not paid to write what we say? In short – this blog sucks”
“Stupid, stupid idiot. Does he not know that I know famous people?”
“You’re slow today, Seymour. Food. More. NOW!”
“We move as best we can, sir.”
“Use the big spoon.”
“The snow shovel? Excellent suggestion sir.”
“Feed me, Seymour.”
“Yes. Yes. Yes!!”, Al Franken is working himself up into a lather. “This will be great. Everyone will be talking about us. We should announce this where everyone can learn about it.”
“You mean on the air?”
“Are you being a smart ass?”
** ** ** ** ** Drudge Report ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **
BREAKING! AL FRANKEN ANNOUNCES THAT 5 FANS CAN VISIT THE AA HEADQUARTERS. NEEDS 2 MORE LISTENERS
BREAKING: GASP! VISITORS TO WHITE HOUSE FORGET TO WEAR A BRA.
Update: China plans to buy the U.S. Military.
“Sir. I saw the article on Drudge.”
“This is great. People are talking about us everywhere. Listen to Rush…”
“And people are going to attend this thing? Maybe they’ll have a royal blue carpet. He he. Who knows maybe he does have more than five listeners. I mean they have over 40 affiliates nationwide. Folks, don’t get too worked up over this. Whenever you see an Open Invitation for Well Deserving Americans – Don’t be too surprised if they really mean actors..”
“Very wrong, Dithers. I don't understand how some people can spew so much bile. Okay, let’s email some celebrities.”
IMAO Podcast: Spies Like Us
Our latest podcast is available at our sister site http://www.IMAOPodcast.com
This week's theme for the IMAO Podcast is "espionage" and features:
All iPodder and Apple iTunes users subscribed to the feed should have the IMAO Podcast MP3 waiting for them right now. If you want help on subscribing to the IMAO Podcast, see our extensive Step-By-Step Help site.
To download the newest IMAO Podcast, click here.
Look for Frank to post a couple of the IMAO Podcast bits as small, e-mail sized MP3s here on the IMAO Blog soon. We encourage everyone to download these small versions of the IMAO Podcast and then e-mail them to all of your friends. I can't always get on the radio to pimp the podcast so let's get some word of mouth going for IMAO!
July 24, 2005
Fun Facts About Delaware: The Director's Cut
The version on the IMAO podcast (#8) was cut here & there for time & quality reasons.
My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision lies in the extended entry.
Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.
This week, grab your pumpkin catapult, because we're taking a trip to Delaware, so let's get started...
Delaware is a small state located in the Northeastern US in the New England region. Which is much like Old England, expect with fewer spam-loving Vikings.
At it's widest point, Delaware is 35 miles across, which means - in THEORY - that the state *could* contain Michael Moore's ass.
The world's largest frying pan was built in Delmarva, Delaware in 1950. It's 10 feet across, holds 800 chicken quarters, and is the only reason Michael Moore might try to squeeze his ass into Delaware.
Delaware was the first state to ratify the US constitution in 1787. This is why people from Delaware are always wearing big foam fingers and shouting "we're #1!"
Can't blame 'em, I guess, it's not like they have any sports teams to get excited about. Although the ones who don't read so well sometimes make a fuss over "their" basketball team the "Dover" Nuggets
Delaware shares a semi-circular border with Pennsylvania, which marks the perimeter of the area guarded by the official state pit bull that's chained up in Wilmington.
The official state bug of Delaware is the ladybug, an insect easily identified by its red back, black spots and 6 tiny foam fingers.
Delaware is the only state in the US without any national parks. They were all eliminated as part of the plea bargain after Smokey the Bear was indicted in Delaware on arson charges.
Delaware is the second smallest state in the US. It actually WAS the smallest at one time, but then they gave the state Pit Bull another 10 feet of chain.
Although the log cabin was invented in Delaware in 1645, only one log cabin remains intact today, the rest having been eaten by ladybugs.
The state bird of Delaware is The Blue Hen chicken which is known for it fighting ability. During the Revolutionary war, a single Blue Hen once defeated an entire platoon of French soldiers.
Unfortunately, the French were fighting on America's side at the time, and it would've cost us the war if they hadn't been rescued at the last second by a brigade of lady bugs.
The first settlers arrived in Delaware 11 years after the arrival of the Mayflower, because the men in charge wouldn't stop to ask for directions.
The official state song of Delaware is "Our Delaware", recorded by Chuck Berry in 1972.
Wait... I'm thinking of "My Ding-a-Ling". Nevermind.
The highest point in Delaware is a mere 442 feet above sea level. Despite the lack of mountains, Delaware DOES actually have a ski resort, located 5 miles north of Munchkin City.
The first permanent colony on Delaware soil was New Sweden, which quickly died out because none of the other colonists could understand a damn word they said.
I mean, how were THEY supposed to know that "Vhee zee cuoorfe-a hooffa heemun!" meant "Help us! We're starving!"?
A common sight on Delaware beaches are horseshoe crabs and shuffleboard lobsters.
Delaware's official state colors are "Colonial blue" and "buff", which is just completely gay.
The Delaware Indians were the most advanced and civilized of all the tribes in America until the White Man came, gave them smallpox, and stole their oil.
Henry Heimlich, inventor of the Heimlich Maneuver, was born in Wilmington, Delaware. He developed his famous live-saving technique quite accidentally, while researching ways to sneak up behind people and punch them in stomach.
Poodle Beach in Delaware was voted America's Gayest Beach for 10 consecutive years. It's annual Drag Queen volleyball competition attracts thousands of... Hey! Is that Tom Cruise?
Sussex County, Delaware is home to the annual Punkin' Chunkin' contest, where people use homemade catapults to throw pumpkins as far as they can. Prizes are awarded for distance, accuracy, and the pumpkin that most resembles Ted Kennedy's fat head.
Many residents of Delaware enjoy eating "scrapple", a dish made from cornmeal mixed with pigs' hearts, livers, snouts, tails, and other parts too disgusting to be eaten on their own. If you're given the choice between eating scrapple fried or baked, choose suicide.
Delaware does NOT charge a sales tax on consumer purchases. It DOES, however, tax the earnings of prostitutes, since that's technically considered a "rental".
The test for a driver's license in Delaware is to turn your car around without any part of it leaving the state.
No one in Delaware has a driver's license.
During World War II, 12 concrete towers were built along the Delaware coastline so that observers could watch for the approach of German submarines. 1000 yards away. Underwater. In the dark.
Why yes, it WAS a union job. How did you know?
That wraps up the Delaware edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be heading due south to have a look at Florida.
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go throw myself off a cliff so that I don't have to eat this plate of scrapple.
[The complete e-book version of "Fun Facts About the 50 States" is now available at Amazon.com. If you don't have a Kindle, you can download free Kindle apps for your web browser, smartphone, computer, or tablet from Amazon.com]
July 22, 2005
The Rise and Fall of Painless Self Promotion (updated 7-24-05)
On Monday, July 11th, Instapundit was, for a few brief hours, no longer the #1 blog in the Ecosystem, having been replaced by the 30-times-more-popular "Painless Self Promotion."
The next day, things were back to normal, with Instapundit once again on top, and Painless Self Promotion nowhere to be seen. Almost as though it had never existed.
Well, I was there and I know what happened.
It all started just after we finished taping the round-table segment for the IMAO podcast...
(continued in extended entry)
FRANK: All right Scott, you have enough material now? Can we hang up?
SCOTT: Well, Frank, if I take out all the times you said "uhhhh..." in the last six hours, I think I can get 15 minutes out of this, so... yeah.
ALL: YAY! FINALLY!
FRANK: Now before we go...
FRANK: Before we go, I'd like to get some more ideas on how to promote the podcast.
KEVIN: We could pay people to listen to it...
FRANK: That's the DUMBEST thing I've ever heard. I don't even pay you people to WRITE the stupid thing! Besides, I need all my money so that I can give handfuls of giant diamonds to my little sweetie-face.
sarahk: yay! diamonds are pretty! just like me!
SPACEMONKEY: We could try telling people about it instead of hiding our shameful secret like it was some sort of crazy aunt living in our attic.
FRANK: Telling people about it?... Why... that's so crazy, it just might work! Tell ya what, Monkey, I'm putting you in charge of the project.
HARV: I think Kevin should be in charge. He's a lawyer, so he's used to lying to people to make them believe that something bad is good.
KEVIN: I think RightWingDuck should do it. He's Mexican, and with him in charge, the IMAO podcast would soon comprise 14% of all the podcasts in America.
RIGHTWINGDUCK: Nah, make Laurence do it. He's Jewish, so he can pull some strings with the International Zionist Conspiracy.
LAURENCE: Sorry, that only works with money. This is comedy. Who the heck ever heard of a Jewish comedian?
FRANK: SILENCE! I've made my decision. Monkey's in charge, because he's an Alabama hayseed, and they're good at organization, planning, and taking over countries. Look what his people accomplished in the Civil War.
HARV: Uh, Frank, the South...
FRANK: Don't interrupt me!... Monkey, I want you to set up a web site that'll allow us - by which I mean YOU - to shamelessly self-promote the podcast. Meanwhile, I'm gonna hang up and go have marital relations with SarahK.
sarahk: no marital relations until after we're married! now say good-bye to your little friends and go study your Bible while I go make myself pretty for church.
sarahk: WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY? you better not have blasphemed!
FRANK: Uh... I said... "Dalmation!"... It... uh... suddenly struck me what kind of dog I wanted to get.
sarahk: oh... good!... dalmations are pretty!... BUT YOU DON'T GET A DOG UNTIL AFTER WE'RE MARRIED, EITHER!
SPACEMONKEY: You better go, Frank... but what should we call the site?
FRANK: Something like "Shameless Self Promotion", except not that... think of a cooler name... Later guys...[click]
SPACEMONKEY: So... "Shameless Self Promotion" work for you guys?
[general murmurs of assent]
SPACEMONKEY: Ok, so who wants to help me work on this?
RIGHTWINGDUCK: Uh... my wife says my burritos are ready... BYE! [click]
LAURENCE: Zionist Conspiracy meeting... have to decide what to tell Greenspan to do with the interest rates... later guys. [click]
KEVIN: I have to photoshop you guys so you look completely gay... this could take hours... except for Frank's pic...[click]
SPACEMONKEY: Looks like it's up to us, Harv. Any ideas?
HARV: What's in this for me again?
SPACEMONKEY: Uh... bags and bags of money?
HARV: Riiiiight. I've heard THAT before.
SPACEMONKEY: I'll do "Fun Facts About Georgia" for you...
HARV:... so here's the plan... you make up an html page with a link to the podcast, and I'll hijack a popular page to put it on.
SPACEMONKEY: But hijacking is WRONG!
HARV: Yes it is, but this is more like piracy, which means we can wear eye-patches & parrots & say "YARRRRR!" and get lots of hot chicks like Johnny Depp.... Ah!... I see Technorati's FUBAR again... they won't miss their page... try uploading to it Monkey.
SPACEMONKEY: They want a username & password.
HARV: Try "linkwhores" and "404forever"
SPACEMONKEY: Ok... I'm in... page is loading... Hey! It worked!
HARV: Quick! Check the Ecosystem!
SPACEMONKEY: WE'RE #1!!!
HARV: Um... you listed it on the Ecosystem as "Painless", not "Shameless".
SPACEMONKEY: Sorry. Pain and shame are both such a big part my life since I started doing the Podcast that I get them confused sometimes.
HARV: Eh, you can fix it tomorrow. See ya then. [click]
SPACEMONKEY: Hey Harv, it's Spacemonkey.
HARV: Does this mean I don't get the elephant?
SPACEMONKEY: Even worse. You know how we hijacked...
HARV: PIRATED! Yarrrrr!
SPACEMONKEY: Uh... yeah... "pirated"...
SPACEMONKEY: Will you shut up for a second? Apparently "Technorati" is actually an Italian name, and they're related to the Gambinos and the Corleones. They left a "message" for me, suggesting that I give their site back.
HARV: I thought they used horses?
SPACEMONKEY: Apparently Instapundit wasn't happy with being knocked down to #2, so he was glad to help. Anyway, after they got done breaking my kneecaps, I took down our link. Do you think Frank's gonna be mad?
HARV: Nah. I thought this would happen, so I sent him a present to keep his mind off the podcast.
SPACEMONKEY: You got SarahK to give him marital relations?
HARV: Better. I got him that Damnation puppy he wanted.
SPACEMONKEY: Harv... he said Dalmation.
HARV: Dal... uh... CRAP! I gotta make some phone calls.
SPACEMONKEY: Ok, talk to ya next round-table [click]
HARV [dialing frantically]: Hi! Cerberus Hill Puppy Farm? I called this morning about...
Remember folks, DO promote the podcast, but DON'T mess with the Italians while doing it.
IMAO Blogger on Republican Radio Saturday
IMAO Blogger and Podcast Producer Scott will be hosting all two hours of the weekly live radio show "Republican Radio: The Life of the Party" from Seattle, WA this Saturday starting from 2pm Eastern/1pm Central/12pm Mountain/11am Pacific.
The theme for the show is "Your Rights as an American" and we'll definitely talk about the Supreme Court--which gives me an opportunity to play the Marbury v. Madison bit from our last IMAO Podcast. Unlike Frank J., when I'm on the radio I will pimp the blog and the podcast (but mostly the podcast).
UPDATE: Not only did I mention IMAO Podcast.com about 437 times during the live Republican Radio broadcast, I was able to play not one but two IMAO Podcast bits on the radio. You can hear the MP3s of the show at:
Homocon is one of my favorite blogs and should be required reading.
The Official SCOTUS Test
IMAO has scored another exclusive find.
Sandra Day O’Connor has announced her retirement from the Supreme Court of the United States. So that means there is now a new job opening!! This also means more bickering over whether a President Bush nominee is too conservative.
Have you ever wondered how Democrats decide whether a SCOTUS nominee would be a good judge? They take a test. That’s right – they administer a test.
And the amazing research crew here at IMAO.US has obtained a copy!
Here for your education and enlightenment is a copy of the SCOTUS Candidate Questionnaire.
Introduction: So you want to be a judge on the United States Supreme Court? The Democratic Party would very much like to understand your values and beliefs. Please answer the following questions to the best of your ability. Use a number two pencil.
The Official DNC SCOTUS Litmus Test
1. What is the most hurtful thing a man could say to a woman?
A. “I don’t love you anymore.”
3. A university admissions staff should give greatest priority to:
A. Those who have earned it through hard work & good grades
4. Affirmative Action means…
A. Helping minorities gain the skills to compete on merit
A. Hard work and savings.
7. If you couldn’t reach a decision on a ruling, where would you go for guidance?
A. The Holy Bible
A. Because it was the Sabbath
A. Willie Nelson
10. I believe in the death penalty…
A. For any heinous capital offense
11. What are your views on abortion?
A. It’s a life you damn baby killer
A. It’s a sick, perverted lifestyle
13. I believe the US prison systems should have…
A. More prisoners in each cell
14.I believe the cruelest place to keep a captured enemy insurgent is…
A. Barbra Streisand’s Dressing Room
15. I believe Ted Kennedy…
A. Should be kept away from babes, bridges and booze.
15 – 20 points. Right Wing Wacko. Keep this person away from the court by all means necessary including smear campaigns, sexual scandal, and accusations of friendship with George W. Bush.
21-32 points. Moderate. Although there is nothing wrong with a moderate – we believe that any moderate is only a few points from joining the Religious Right. Please evaluate carefully and consider filibuster as an option.
33-44 points. Progressive: Excellent candidate with tremendous potential to help create a more progressive America, and hopefully one day – a territory of the United Nations.
45 points. Perfect score. But why are you taking this test? We thought you were retiring?
Once again. Another victory for the bloggers who work so hard to enlighten and entertain!!
WSJ ignores the IMAO Podcast
Even though we have repeatedly made ourselves available to various media outlets to talk about the increasingly popular IMAO Podcast (averaging 716 downloads per day as of July 19, 2005), I read a huge article in today's Wall Street Journal on how "popular" and profitable X-rated podcasts are becoming.
Podcasting was a curiosity to the mainstream media three months ago when drag queens, wannabe DJs, and Hollywood has-been comedians with recycled NPR shows started posting MP3s online for the iPod crowd. Now the mainstream media heaps high praise on sex talk from husky-voiced overweight women and how condom companies are sponsoring podcasts by "performance artists" who can't string together a complete sentence without an obscenity.
Thanks for forcing the new genre of porncasting on Americans, mainstream media. The dumb people in the flyover Middle America states really appreciate it.
Here's a suggestion: Force the IMAO Podcast on the mainstream media. The writer of the WSJ porncast article is Vauhini Vara. Let's see if Vara would be interested in having all of the IMAO Fans e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org to extoll the virtues of the IMAO Podcast because it:
Please e-mail Vauhini Vara at the WSJ email@example.com and tell Vara there's more to podcasting than the pathetic twentysomethings that drone into their Mac's built in mic about how they are moving out of their stepdad and mom's basement any day now but still get plenty of action.
UPDATE: If you e-mail the WSJ and Vara blows you off, e-mail us to let us know! If Vara dains you worthy of a reply, e-mail us that too.
We'll post the best replies/non-replies from IMAO Fans on the blog and talk about it in the podcast.
E-mail us - feedback@IMAOPodcast.com
Sometimes There Is Funny Other Places Than IMAO
It's a Friday off , so I don't feel like posting (though I probably still will), but I recommend everyone check out Iowahawk's latest biting satire "He or She Is The Wrong Man or Woman For The Court." That there is funny.
Also, Greg Gutfeld once again tries to get himself fired from the Huffington Post. Make sure to read the "comments" below the post.
In addition, check out the posts from the other IMAO bloggers; we are a group blog now. And, if you haven't checked it out yet for some reason, go see our podcast. And, if you're dial-up, here are some great samples of the last one. We plan to make more individual selections downloadable in the future.
The IMAO Podcast: Tagline Still Under Construction
Silly Rove Songs
How can so many people hate Karl Rove?
Consider this, when Japanese folks say 'Rove' it sounds almost the same as when they say 'love'. So to Japanese folks he's really 'Karl Love'.
I'll be the first to admit his full name would be 'Kall Love', something they market on late night T.V.. This is not as wholesome or good but still contains the word 'love' at least.
People love Jennifer Love Hewitt, So can Karl really be as bad as they say since his name is love, sort of? Krazy.
That got me thinking about what songs go good with this?
"All You Need Is Rove" comes to mind. If you want liberals to get so outrageously nutty, legions of squirrels start swarming, all you need is Rove. I guess you also need liberals, though, and squirrels.
"Can't Buy Me Rove" He's not corruptable! I guess that's enough Beatles songs though. They are/were such a bunch of swarmy hippies.
"When Rove Comes to Town" is good. And what do you think Rove will do when he gets to town? Outsmart liberals, thats what.
"The Power of Rove" from the "Back to the Future" soundtrack. But I can just almost see Force lightening coming from Karl's stubby fingers when I think about the title, though. Maybe that one's not too good.
Are there any Love>Rove songs I've missed that you can think of? No? Hah I win!
July 21, 2005
Ask Ducky, Podcast
Tomorrow will be the Ask Dr. Duck segment. For now, I need questions for the podcast version - "Ask Ducky"
So, what questions do you have on YOUR mind?
If you have spy-stuf questions that would be extra cool.
Post questons before 9:00 am PST on Friday.
More Podcast Talk, More Podcast Action
I know a few of you out there in IMAO land like the IMAO podcast But its pretty obvious that the vast majority, the endless hordes of you LOVE the podcast. There are several that actually want to go out with the IMAO podcast. Nothing serious, dinner, maybe a movie, and talk, just to see what develops.
Sadly the current state of technology won't allow that to happen just yet.
HOWEVER if you, loyal IMAO reader, want to help the IMAO podcast get more traction and help your favorite bloggers/podcasters, you can. Wouldn't you like for us to be able to quit our day jobs and deliver the funny full time? Man, I know I would.
What can you do to make a big impact that won't take much effort or time? For the cost of a few clicks and couple of downloads, you can:
-Hit the IMAO podcast link on podcastingnews directory. And rate it. (higher # is better).
-Rate us on podcast pickle. Heh, Pickle.
-Vote on Podcastalley (we've slipped back into the 20's)
-Introduce people to podcasting via the IMAO podcast.
-Finally (at least for now), when someone mentions podcasting (whether it be in person or an online forum) tell them about the IMAO podcast. Tell them of your deep abiding love for all things IMAO, just don't be too creepy about it.
Some have already been spreading the word and many have voted at podcastalley and believe me, we all appreciate it GREATLY.
We are absolutely NOT trying to keep this thing a secret!
Carnival of Comedy 12 Is UP
Announcing the FIRST-EVER-NOT-AT-IMAO Carnival of Comedy
It is right now UP at This Blog is Full of Crap.
From the looks of things, U.N. Sec. Gen. Kofi Anan is hosting the 12th Carnival Of Comedy.
Excellent job, a Kudo or two to Laurence Simon, if he actually had anything to do with it that is...
Info about Joining the Carnival of Comedy is here.
Know Thy Enemy: The Patriot Act
The Patriot Act is up for renewal. It's been controversial for a long time, but many people still don't know the facts about it. Thus, as a service to you, the public, I sent my crack research team to find out all they can about the Patriot Act.
FUN FACTS ABOUT THE PATRIOT ACT
* The "patriot" in The Patriot Act is actually an acronym for "Phat Acronym That Really Is Orwellian, Though".
* There are many clauses in The Patriot Act that concerns people, but all agree the scariest part of is its suspicious name.
* The Patriot Act was passed 99-1 in the Senate soon after 9/11, with the onc Senator voting against it being labeled an enemy combatant and indefinitely imprisoned as ordered by The Patriot Act.
* The Patriot Act is out there for anyone to read, but, according to The Patriot Act, that is considered a suspicious activity and makes you a person of interest.
* The Patriot Act allows the FBI to look at library records. This power has yet to be used, though, since pretty much no one uses a library anymore.
* The FBI wanted The Patriot Act to allow them to look at Google searches, but Google protested saying they only work in compliance with Communist countries to oppress people.
* Many people have raised objections to The Patriot Act - some of whom have even read it. According to The Patriot Act, these people are enemy combatants, and you must shoot them on site or be considered an enemy of the state yourself.
* The Patriot Act gives great new surveillance technology to the FBI, allowing them to spy on you through what looks like a period at the end of this sentence.
* Stop staring at that period!
* Yeah, they still need to use an exclamation point for audio.
* The Patriot Act allows more wire-tapping ability for law enforcement, something that’s been denounced by numerous people so boring that you couldn’t pay people to spy on them.
* The provisions of The Patriot Act has helped law enforcement capture numerous terrorists and, through a mix-up, one terrier.
* President Bush is currently urging Congress to renew The Patriot Act. This doesn't mean he supports it, though, as, according to The Patriot Act, the President must urge its renewal or be considered an enemy combatant.
* No one is sure who actually wrote The Patriot Act. Some say it was Satan himself, but that seems unlikely due to his own bad experience with indefinite detention.
* Other suspected authors of The Patriot Act: Karl Rove and humor columnist Dave Barry.
* If ever attacked by The Patriot Act, imprison yourself indefinitely to steal its thunder.
* While The Patriot Act is immune to most attacks, it is scared of fire.
* In a fight between Aquaman and The Patriot Act, Aquaman would be locked up indefinitely and then be forgotten. After years of solitary confinement, he'd begin to believe he has the power to talk to cockroaches... which is just crazy!
* Some judges have ruled against clauses in The Patriot Act. They were all mysterious killed as dictated by the Patriot Act.
* I guess the deaths aren't so mysterious since they were ordered by The Patriot Act, but The Patriot Act says you need to act like they were mysterious or you will be considered an enemy combatant.
* According to The Patriot Act, the fact that you consider The Patriot Act an enemy and want to find information about makes you an enemy combatant. In compliance with The Patriot Act, I have now sent your IP address to the FBI. Thanks for participating in this IMAO sting operation, and may your indefinite detention be a pleasant one.
It's Going to Get Worse Before It Gets Better
I had heard of this just as I walked out the door this morning: More bombing attacks or attempts of bombing attacks in London. So far, this doesn't look as bad as before, but please send your prayers.
One attack can shake up a country quite a bit; multiple attacks like this is where a country's resolve really gets tested.
Learn it. Know it. Live it.
Laura Ingraham referred today to the L.A. Times as the "Smell.A. Times"--I hadn't heard that before.
Can you complete the trifecta with a nickname for the New York Times?
(Extra credit for the Boston Globe)
The SCOTUS Scuffle
You've heard all the pundits blather on about the new Supreme Court nominee, but now here is the information you've all been waiting for... what Aquaman thinks!
Frankly, there just isn't enough information out there to make a decision on him - especially no information on his opinion about the Constitutionality of the sea! Someone needed to get more information about his cases.
This sounds like a job for...
As everyone know, secret court information is kept in an undersea lair somewhere in the Mediterranean. So, wasting no time, I jumped into the ocean!
But it ended up it was a lagoon. But soon I got a cab ride to the nearest beach and waded into the sea (I couldn't jump because it was shallow).
The secret undersea judicial lair was kept in shark infested waters to give it a natural protection. I guess they never suspected anyone would try breaking in who could... TALK TO FISH!
"Hello, Sharks!" I said in fish-speak, "It's your friend, Aquaman."
"Suddenly you're our friend now?" replied a shark bitterly, "Don't you owe us chum from the last time we helped you?"
"Uh... yeah... and I'll get it you! See, I've been busy and..."
"Enough talkie-talk!" shouted the head shark, "It's time we make Aquaman into chum!"
"But I'll never have the proper consistency of chum!" I protested. The reasoning didn't seem to work, as the sharks were set to attack. Luckily I had just learned from The Discovery Channel's Myth-Busters that hitting a shark on the nose does ward if off. The dolphins had always told me that was an urban legend... those lying bastards!
First shark at me got a superhero thump to the nose. That made him think twice.
Then the other fourteen sharks attacked at once.
I'm not sure what shore I washed up on, but the hospital food where I stayed was sub par.
But, fear not, I'll get information on this John Roberts character... though I may just use a Google search.
July 20, 2005
Take Fry, You Die
Here's one interesting case we may here those against John Roberts complain about. Apparently he upheld and arrest, handcuffing and detention of a 12-year-old girl for eating a single french fry inside a D.C. Metrorail station. That seems a little extreme. I can understand all that for an onion ring, but one french fry? I don't know how that will go over with Joe-Six-Pack and Bubba-Jug-of-Moonshine.
What could lead to such extremism? Was Roberts attack by one of the McDonalds Fry-Guys has a child? I don't know, but Fry-gate could sink him!
Terrorist Spotting Quiz
After the terrorist bombings in London, it's become more important than ever for the average citizen to be able to detect crazy Muslims who mean us harm. As a public service to IMAO readers, I offer this simple quiz to help you determine your terrorist-spotting ability. Simply aim your sidearm at the correct answer and pull the trigger. If your monitor doesn't explode, you've chosen correctly:
1) Smells like a monkey, but has no tail.
2) Label on designer suit jacket reads "C4 of Hollywood"
3) Towel on head
4) Swarthy, hirsuite, bearded man with evil glint in his eye and no discernable sense of humor
5) Sneakers have radiation symbol instead of Nike Swoosh
6) Makes pet Yorkie wear an explosive cardigan
7) Memorizes Holy Book, flies into murderous rage at slightest hint of blasphemy
8) Prominently displays crescent moon on front door
9) Shouts "ULULULULULULULU!"
10) Hates dogs
11) Lives in the desert, sleeps in a tent, fires gun in the air at weddings
12) Man wearing long, flowing, badly-fitting dress
13) Kills innocent people when they least expect it
14) Tries to smuggle weapons through airport security
15) Whooping it up at a strip club for a final night of earthly pleasure before his long-awaited entrance into Paradise
Since this quiz is self-grading, I won't be posting an answer key. But if you got any answers wrong, buy a new monitor and try again.
America's safety depends on you getting a perfect score.
Other Vacancies Need To Be Filled, Too!
Sure, everybody has been bleating about the SCOTUS vacancy/nomination and before that they were crowing on about John Bolton's nomination to fill the U.N. Ambassador vacancy.
But dear friend, did you know there are, right now. As we sit here picking our collective noses.
There are!! NO Lie.
Wait, what are you talking about?
The vacancies, on the Carnival of Comedy.
I heard that part, what do you mean, vacancies?
We, at IMAO, in our immense and founding fatherly wisdom have deemed you worthy to nominate yourself for a vacant seat on the Supreme Court of Comedy. Send your nomination to spacemonkey.you.suck@REMOVEgmail.com. (you have to remove "REMOVE")
Also, don't forget to send in your (C+ or better game) entry for this week's Carnival, time's running out.
Questions about joining the Carnival Of Comedy are answered here.
You Won't Distract Us from Our Distraction!
One thing: "Your trick about nominating a Supreme Court Justice won't distract us from Karl Rove!"
Yes, the liberals know that Sandra Day O'Connor announcing her resignation was just a setup to give Bush a smokescreen from the Rove scandal. They won't let it work, though!
At the Democratic Underground, for instance, many are asking that Roberts be fast tracked so they can get back to important business of harping on Rove.
(OT, here's one DUer calling the Republicans who freed the slaves and guaranteed blacks the right to vote "pukes"; hard to get more blindly partisan than that.)
Kos is of a different view, thinking they can scrutinize Roberts and harp on Rove. He says that muckadoos can "walk and chew gum at the same time" but fails to provide any video evidence of this. It's been demonstrated that the lefties of Kos and DU can't hold on to one coherent thought, so it's doubtful that they can try and do two at the same time. They'll probably end up walking into telephone poles while attempting this or falling down open manholes and dying, which, as we know, is the definition of comedy.
In my opinion, I think the liberals would best spend their time by focusing on John Roberts. If he ends up to be a conservative extremist, he may be able to tip the balance of the Supreme Court so that they vote that liberal-wingnuts have no more rights than any other monkeys. Then the posters to DU and Kos will spend the rest of their days having the toxicity of different eyeliners tested on them.
Then again, they'd be doing something useful for once.
How divisive was the battle for the Antonin Scalia confirmation?
So divisive that two Senators didn't even vote, giving Scalia a 98-0 confirmation. Hopefully Roberts will be more of a uniter and not scare off Senators like the extremist Scalia.
It Takes a Hack to Know a Hack
ALERT: There are sources indicating that John Roberts is a partisan hack!
This allegation goes to the fact that Roberts is a known partisan and that he allegedly hacked a man to death with an ax in Hoboken, New Jersey.
More as this develops...
"Hi. My Name Is Roberts, and I'd Like to Be Your Supreme Court Justice."
So I had gotten back from taking SarahK out to dinner from her birthday, and, as soon we got home, she went into a Harry Potter induced coma where no communication worked on her while she read her new book. So I went to see what was happening on the 'ole internet and remembered I had completely forgotten about the SCOTUS nomination. And there the name was: John Roberts.
"What? That doesn't sound like a woman's name. It doesn't even sound Mexican. Maybe someone mistyped 'Rodriguez'."
Then I saw a picture. He didn't look to be a minority at all! I thought maybe he was gay at least, but, no - straight white male. You can't be any less cool than being a straight white male these days. I mean, it's not as undistinguished as being an Asian at a technical college, but it's pretty bad.
COLLEGE ADMINISTRATOR: We're now having a special seminar for our minority students.
But I digress. Currently both Liberals and Conservatives are asking tons of questions - especially Liberals who are trying to figure exactly what they should be squealing about. The questions being asked are:
* What's his position on Roe v. Wade?
* What does he think about the 2nd Amendment?
* Does he agree with the recent Kelo decision?
* Is he related to Julia Roberts or, worse yet, Eric Roberts?
* Is there any truth to the rumor that he's the "Dread Pirate Roberts" who terrorizes the Mediterranean?
These are all good questions, and many think they already have answers. I get e-mail alerts from NARAL Pro-Choice America since I love choosing and making choices and stuff (and it's only a vicious rumor that NARAL was once an acronym where one of the ‘A’s stood for "abortion"). Right after Roberts was announced, NARAL Pro-Choice America e-mailed that he was an "anti-choice extremists." Holy cow! With an anti-choice extremist, Baskin & Robbins 31 Flavors could be turned into Baskin & Robbins 1 Flavor where the one flavor is mint ice-cream which I like okay but would get tired of eventually.
Why can't the extremist John Roberts love chocolate ice cream!
Then again, I'm not sure if I really trust NARAL Pro-Choice America. Recently, there was a sale on polos at The Gap, but they only had yellow left. I wanted a choice! I called up NARAL Pro-Choice America, but they wouldn't help me at all. If they won't support choices in polo shirts, what kind of choices do they support?
But, once again, I digress. Be sure that the IMAO team will be on top of this story getting all the information about John Roberts we can. IMAO is your number one source for news and news-like information about stuff and things, and we won't let anyone take that title away from us!
Jann Wenner Is Funny!
While you're waiting for me to come up with some brilliant analysis of John Roberts, you can read Greg Gutfeld's (he's my hero!) jokes for kids to teach them proper liberal values.
Thanks to reader Ben for pimping IMAO in the comments. More of you useless readers should be doing the same elsewhere!
UPDATE: Heh. Something else to spend time playing with. Those wacky Google people and their hidden moon jokes..
July 19, 2005
A White Male? I Did Not See That Coming
So I got my scoop wrong, and Michelle Malkin has to rub it in. Instead, President Bush nominates someone no one has even heard of... probably not even him. Anyhoo, check out the Malkin link for all the facts and opinons about what's-his-face. I'm sure I'll have some lesser known information about him soon...
Since the SCOTUS nomination announcement is coming tonight, we're making available select parts of the Supreme Court themed IMAO Podcast available separately:
Help spread the word by e-mailing these around. It would probably be especially funny to e-mail the Bush one to lefty bloggers since it makes fun of Bush (but points to IMAO when you play it).
We appreciate everyone who has been supporting our podcasting. So far, it brings no income but were still investing in buying hundreds dollars worth of recording equipment for each podcaster to improve the podcast quality. We believe in this and are pretty sure we're not crazy.
Lunch Was Gravy
I just ate lunch. A salisbury steak popsicle with mashed potatoes and brown gravy. It occured to me just how much strikingly better practically everything tastes when you smother it with gravy.
Lots and lots of thick gravy. Mmmmmm gravy.
Could we have endured Kerry as president if he were covered in gravy? Maybe but, I think Michael Moore (who was a shoe-in to be Kerry's ambassador to the Hutts) would probably have eaten him. But hey, those are the breaks.
Gravy, it's what's for dinner.
IMAO EXCLUSIVE: NEW SCOTUS NOMINEE
IMAO EXCLUSIVE! MUST CREDIT IMAO!
President Bush is to announce his Supreme Court nominee at 9pm tonight, but I have just gotten word from a secret source who the President's nominee is.
Remember that you heard it here first, and I believe I was the only one to even suggest him as a nominee.
Expect harsh responses from Senate Democrats soon...
Party Like It's... Uh... What Year Was the Crusades?
Representative Tom Tancredo suggested bombing Mecca in retaliation for next terrorist attack. Even though I made the same suggestion before, it is wrong and bad and stupid. We expect more out of our elected officials than people like me.
Anyway, bombing Mecca would harm and infuriate lots of innocent people. I think, in retaliation to the next terrorist attack, we should instead totally crash the party in Mecca. Terrorists kill people, then we get a party. Mecca is supposed to be for Muslims only, but we should flood it with Christians, Jews, Wiccans, and whoever else and have like some huge kegger. We won't do any permanent damage, but there will be tons of vomit and plastic cups smelling of Coors Light to clean up afterwards. Then the Muslims will be like, "We better do more to stop Muslim terrorists because we hate cleaning up after keggers!"
It's a workable idea, but it needs government funding. And the government has tons of money. They could give us millions for beer and it would be like nothing to them. And then we could have a huge sound system set up for music and Mecca would be the totally awesomest party ever!
On second thought, let's not wait for the next terrorist attack; let's have that party now! And let’s have it somewhere closer than Mecca because I don't feel like driving far… especially if I have work on Monday.
Anti-terrorism kegger in Orlando, anyone?
Happy Birthday, IMAO T-Shirt Babe!
Everyone go say happy birthday to SarahK (who is turning 29 despite evil rumors to the contrary). Mancow on FOX News had to upset her, though, by ruining the ending to the new Harry Potter book for her.
MANCOW!!! ::shakes fist::
Anyway, SarahK is super sweet, so everyone be nice to her or I'll murder you.
"You'll Rue the Day You Crossed Karl Rove!"
Doesn't this whole Plame issue just further shows how not only are Democrats not serious about the war on terror, but they want to make it harder for us. Come on. What do you think Rove is going to do if the Democrats succeed at getting him fired? The guy is an evil genius, and, cut loose from politics, you think he's just going to working in plumbing section of Home Depot? No, he'll become a supervillian to get revenge at the world and be a much more wily and dangerous for than Osama bin Laden, Zarqawi, or Black Manta. Suddenly, the war on terror will get ten times harder all because the Democrats wanted to play partisan politics.
We really need like a phony Capitol where Democrats can vote and think they're running the government while we all get the serious issues done. It will take someone sinister and evil to set that up... but who?
Ooh! I know! Karl Rove!
Lampooning France Never Goes Out of Style.
I thought this on MightyRighty was pretty funny,
The French government announced early today that it has raised their terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher terror alert levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate". The raise in the threat level was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively disabling their military...Attribution.
July 18, 2005
Life is truly funnier than anything I could make up. Michelle Malkin details a program in San Bernardino, California that will bring back Ebonics. Yep, that be right.
As far as propsosals go - this is a Three Bong Idea.
However, it still makes for great entertainment.
I'd like to present a class room scene 2 years into the future.
CLASS AT SAN BERNARDINO 2007
Mrs. Thomas: Class, settle down please. Y'all be settlin' down now. We need to be learning us our Job Interviewin' skills.
Barbara: Mrs. Thorton, may I ask a question?
Mrs. Thomas. You can be axin' once you can axe proper.
Barbara: (sigh) I say, what we be doing this for, beyotch?
Mrs. Thomas: Because, Barbara, one day you funna getch you a job interview. You can't be having the man thinkin' less of you. They standards are different. You need to be knowing this.
Barbara: Yes, but will they say when I have no mastery of the English language?
Mrs. Thomas: What, did you go all cracker on me?
Mrs. Thomas: If the language you be usin' ain't completely proper, don't sweat. Remember, you also have math skills you funna use.
Barbara: Beyotch, you made us burn our math books. You said, "they be racist."
Mrs. Thomas: Well, you right. Remember, it's not the color of yo skin, it's the content of your character.
Barbara: So, you sayin' I should develop my character?
Mrs. Thomas. Shiiiiii- no. Let Whitey work on his.
Ladies and Gentlemen, at no point in my life did either of my parents insist that the way for me to succeed in America would be for others to lower their standards. Succeed in dating - yes. But not in business and definitely not in real life.
It bothers me to read articles like this. Truly it does.
If the San Bernardino school district is going to implement a program like this - I would like to offer other suggestions that will also be culturally appropriate.
RWD's Suggestions for Racially Sensitive Education - Needs & Requirements
Switchblades. We need switchblades. Sure, some of you people might feel they are dangerous, however these little pieces of steel are essential in our everyday communication. How can one properly say, "I'll cut you man" if one is using a paperclip. This is a denial of my right to free speech.
Smaller Buses. Hey, i grew up packing 10 people into one sedan. When you take my child on a bus and put her two to a bench, I feel you have no awareness of our past and history.
Pick your own grapes day. There is no better way for you to respect the Latino community than to show you honor their contribution to society.
Chairs: School crowding and cultural awareness dictate that we make Indians sit on the floor.
Bathrooms. India has a poor infrastructure. We recommend that toilets be washed once a month - preferably by one of the "untouchable" students. The lower income students may be issues buckets which may be then empties onto the White Boy Football Field.
Homework assignments. Since the other culturally aware classes are falling behind, it is only fair that we outsoure the extra homework to these students. Make sure their grade - like their future salaries - are 1/5 of the American Students.
Like Columbus, we tend to confuse these people with the regular Indians. Just apply the same standards and invite them to the Rain Dance once a year.
There. I hope I didn't be forgettin' nobody.
I've brought up the issue of getting a German Shepherd next year with SarahK. Only thing is I don't know if it's reasonable to get and properly raise a puppy while both of us are working full time (I read somewhere that a German Shepherd should not be left alone more than 3 hours each day). Any readers how there have some info or some resources to point us towards?
In My World: Joe Wilson's Wife in "You Can Only Be Outted Once"
Somewhere in the former Soviet province of Communych, super-secret agent Joe Wilson's wife is suspended by wires over pressure sensitive tiles in the database of this evil country's headquarters. Unbeknownst to her, the phone rings in the other room.
"This is Karl Rove," said a mysterious voice on the other line, "Joe Wilson's wife is a CIA agent."
"Why does this concern us?" demanded the captain of the guards who answered the phone.
"I don't know," answered the voice with a chuckle, "Just telling everyone." Then the line went dead at the other end.
"One of the cameras is out," said a guard, "Is that a glitch?"
"No, I think I know why we got that phone call," said the guard captain, "We are being attacked by the mysterious agent known only as 'Joe Wilson's Wife.'"
"I thought she was just an urban legend," another guard, "I mean... other than that she posed in Vanity Fair."
The guard captain watched as more cameras went out. "I wish that were so."
"Well, we finally know her identity!" shouted a guard, "She’s the wife of Joe Wilson! What do we do?"
The power suddenly went out.
Unseen in the darkness, the captain took a sip a vodka. "Wait for death."
* * * *
"Karl Rove risked my wife's life by outing her as a CIA agent!" Joe Wilson yelled at President Bush.
"I understand your anger," Bush said, "but still..." Bush took out a bat and hit Joe Wilson in the stomach, causing him to fall to the ground and curl up in a ball. "...you're a partisan hack – you only got to come talk to me because your wife recommended it - and, when I meet a partisan hack face-to-face, I hit him with a bat. That's my policy, Joey. Now crawl out of here before you vomit on the Oval Office carpet!"
Once Joe Wilson was outside, Bush called out, "Rover, did you really rat on Joe Wilson's wife?"
The hooded figure of Karl Rove emerged from the shadows. "My ways are mysterious."
"You rascal," Bush chuckled, "Well, hopefully there won't be any political fallout."
Scott McClellan ran into the Oval Office. "The press keep hounding me about Rove! I don't know what to do! It's just question after question after question..."
Scott was silenced by a baseball bat to his gut which caused him to fall to the floor and curl up in a ball.
Dick Cheney entered the office and stepped over Scott. "This is trouble. We need get the press off of this subject."
"Maybe I could fire Karl Rove," Bush suggested.
Rove pointed at Bush and there was a low rumbling noise. Bush then started choking.
"On... ack... second thought... ergh... that's a bad idea."
Rove lowered his hand and Bush rubbed his sore throat. "I know!" he finally exclaimed, "I'll eat and eat and eat until I become the World's Fattest Man! That will push this all out of the headlines." Bush ran from the room.
Cheney looked to Rove. "We never did give him the actual nuclear launch codes, right?"
* * * *
"Mmm... ice cream!" Bush said between shoveling ice cream into his mouth.
"George!" Laura exclaimed as she entered the kitchen, "What are you doing eating so much ice cream?" She then turned suspicious. "Are you trying to become the World's Fattest Man again to distract from a political scandal?"
"No; are you?" he shot back.
Once Bush picked himself up the floor, he said more calmly, "How about I compromise and just become the fattest President. I forget; would I be aiming to become fatter than Taft or Bill Clinton?"
"You should go out and talk to the press like a real president," Laura said as she rubbed her knuckles.
"Aww... all right."
* * * *
"So, go ahead and ask your dumb questions you stupids," Bush told the press.
"I'm from the New York Times and..." A bat to the reporter's stomach caused him to fall to the ground and curl up in a ball. Everyone looked on in shock.
"What?" Bush demanded, setting back down the bat, "Didn't I explain to you all what happens when I meet a partisan hack face-to-face?"
IMAO for SCOTUS?
The Supreme Court has one opening so far, and maybe soon -two.
For those of you who don't know, the job of a Supreme Court Justice is to consider a law and rule whether it is constitutional. They do this by following a very specific process:
1. Look at the laws created by the people.
2. Look at the will of the people.
3. Do whatever you feel like doing.
So if number three is the final step then why not nominate the IMAO gang. Is there any reason why we couldn't serve on the Supreme Court? Aside from Frank J's various felonies and the fact none of us are qualified?
Here I present to you..
THE IMAO SCOTUS Candidates.
Good: Girly candidate replacing a girly candidate. Would encourage
Bad: Would put an end to all the baby killin'
Worse: Supreme Court justices would have to "pick up after themselves."
Verdict: Good potential. Would be valuable assets at SCOTUS karaoke night.
SarahK: Guys, before the press conference starts.. can you tell me honestly – Does this robe make me look fat?
(Ten minutes of awkward silence)
Candidate: Frank J – Leader of the Blogosphere.
Good: Would see if Roe Versus Wade involves monkeys or ninjas.
Bad: Not as girly as SarahK.
Worse: Would eventually figure out a way to sell SCOTUS t-shirts.
Verdict: Consider- but only if he offers discount coupons. Must be willing to deal with the Frank J. temperament.
Frank J. You're wasting my time. GET OUT!
Scalia: OW. You didn't have to throw the stapler.
FrankJ. Didn't you read my opinion on Stapler versus Forehead?
Candidate: Kevin aka Cadet Happy – Photoshopper Supreme
Good: Only IMAO blogger who has law degree.
Bad: The SCOTUS is no place for people who know the law.
Worse: Has never joined an ACLU lawsuit.
Verdict: The constitution and the law have no place in making legal decisions. What's next – using Common Sense?
Newscaster. In today's news. Justice Cadet Happy offered his opinion plus pictures of David Souter from when he secretly had the body of a dog. We now go to exclusive pictures.
Good: Has been known to express conservative views.
Bad: Starred in a sex video called – Sailors gone wild.
Worse: You can find them at your local video rental show. With Harvey autographing copies.
Verdict: Although the court has a shortage of white guys with beards, Harvey's history and writing, keeps him off the bench.
Good: Quiet guy.
Bad: Too quiet.
Worse: Would edit the constitution to "give it more punch"
Verdict: Nobody trusts the quite guy. He's the one you live next to and freaks out – killing everybody – which could be a big advantage if a Republican President can choose the replacements.
Good: Being from Alabama, he would get votes in the South.
Bad: He'd still have a hard time winning.
Worse: Monkey poo.
Verdict: Perfect stealth candidate.
Fun moment at confirmation hearings.
Senator Kennedy: I hear that you might lean to the right?
Space Monkey: [Starts throwing poo]. Who do you think you are? Are you
(Standing ovation from the Left)
Good: Mexican. Helps with the minority quota. If he calls in sick, grab another Mexican at Home Depot.
Bad: His green card looks a lot like a bus pass.
Worse: Three convictions for human smuggling.
Verdict: The Duck has good potential. However, his 'political incorrectness' would keep him from getting along with the other judges.
Ducky: I want to deliver my arguments in rap. Thomas, lay down a beat.
Thomas: I really don't think that would be appropriate.
Ducky: Fine, I'll get Souter. Hey, Dave, didn't I see your head on a
So hurry and cast your votes today. If not, see if you can find yourself a write in ballot.
Here's Something to Tide You Over
While you listen to the newest IMAO Podcast waiting for posts from the IMAO bloggers (including a new In My World™ which will be really funny for a change), check out the blogs from Peace Gallery Alumnus Curtis the Marine (I need to edit his entry because there really is no such thing as a "former" Marine). Anyway, he has a blog called Curtis the Marine. He also has a second blog on media and stuff called Media Outsider. Then he has a third blog of a story he's writing. I thought it was worth checking out, so give it a looksee.
Your Monday is looking up... NEW IMAO PODCAST!
The latest IMAO Podcast is now available for download at http://www.IMAOPodcast.com!
What's in the latest IMAO Podcast? Well...
Our many thanks to the fans that enjoy these podcasts! Show your support by helping us to spread the word that the IMAO Podcast is now available. Send e-mail to friends, post links on message boards like Fark.com and FreeRepublic.com. Call your favorite radio talk show host and tell him to check out the IMAO Podcast. Tell 'em they can get it at the IMAO Podcast website.
As always, we welcome your comments either here on IMAO.us or firstname.lastname@example.org
July 17, 2005
Fun Facts About Connecticut: The Director's Cut
The version on the IMAO podcast (#7) was cut here & there for time & quality reasons.
My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision lies beneath in the extended entry...
Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting yet completely useless, and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.
This week, it's off to the East Coast for a look at Connecticut, so let's get started...
Connecticut is a small state in the northeastern US and is best known for being the place that beer cans land after New Yorkers throw them out of their car windows.
The highest point in Connecticut is Mt. Frissel, at 2380 feet, which is where Connecticut residents got to throw the empty beer cans back into New York.
Connecticut has only 2 interstate highways, neither of which gets you out of the state fast enough.
Connecticut is an Algonquin Indian word meaning "yuppie scum".
Although Connecticut borders Massachusetts, no Kennedys live there because Connecticut liquor stores all close at 8pm.
Many areas of Connecticut are plagued by foraging herds of white tail deer that destroy crops and gardens. The only way for residents to keep the deer at bay is pay "protection money" to Don Bambi, head of the deer mafia.
The New England Patriots football team almost moved to Hartford, Connecticut, but declined to do so because the deal included renaming the team to the Hartford Homos.
The pink & gold uniforms WERE tempting, though.
The official insect of Connecticut is the Praying Mantis - an obvious violation of the separation of church and state.
Connecticut is populated mainly by people who couldn't decide whether they wanted to live further away from Boston or New York City.
Connecticut is called the "nutmeg" state" because the early Connecticut colonists would sell fake nutmegs to unsuspecting tourists. This is somewhat analogous to referring to the Kennedys as the "designated driver family".
The state motto of Connecticut is "As close to New York as New Jersey is, but with less toxic waste."
In terms of distance, Connecticut is the closest state in the US to France, which is why most people in Connecticut face east when they spit.
George W. Bush was born in New Haven, Connecticut on July 6, 1946, but moved to Texas as a teenager to pursue his dream of stealing oil.
Although Connecticut ranks 48th among the states in terms of size, it ranks a close second behind Massachusetts in terms of "snooty, upper-class arrogance".
Connecticut become the 5th state on January 9th, 1788. It would've joined sooner, but everyone was out skiing in Vermont.
Despite the state's small size, it DOES have a state college - the University of Connecticut or UCONN - which should NOT be confused with the popular rat poison.
The state flag of Connecticut consists of a blue background, a white shield, 3 grapevines, and the motto, "He who transplanted sustains us". Officially, the motto refers to early colonists coming in from Boston, but that doesn't explain the large number of tourists who wake up in a tub of ice, missing a kidney.
The official state song of Connecticut is Yankee Doodle, which was originally written in 1750 to honor the official state pasta.
Being a small state, Connecticut has only one radio station, which plays nothing but different versions of Yankee Doodle 24 hours a day. The most popular being Snoop Dogg's "Yo Yo Yizzle Dizzle".
The world's first nuclear submarine, the USS Nautilus, was built in Groton, Connecticut in 1954, after which it turned on its creators and went on a fearsome, building-destroying rampage through the city.
The practice of branding farm animals began in Connecticut, where farmers were required by law to mark their pigs, which is why Michael Moore will never visit the state.
The Hartford Courant, established in 1764, is America's oldest newspaper. A glance through some of the earliest editions shows that, even back then, Doonesbury wasn't funny.
Seriously, when is Trudeau gonna stop recycling that "Thomas Paine eats catfood" line?
The Polaroid camera was invented in Connecticut in 1934.
Blackmailing people with compromising photographs was invented about 60 seconds later.
The first English settlers arrived in Hartford in 1636 and were tricked into staying in the area by settlers from Boston who promised them that the Patriots would move there "any day now".
That wraps up the Connecticut edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be sticking around the New England area and taking a look at Delaware.
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go step on a Praying Mantis to protect my freedom from religion.
[The complete e-book version of "Fun Facts About the 50 States" is now available at Amazon.com. If you don't have a Kindle, you can download free Kindle apps for your web browser, smartphone, computer, or tablet from Amazon.com]
Exclusive Preview of IMAO Podcast for July 18, 2005
We are working hard on getting our weekly podcast ready on Monday, but I have a tantalizing tease of what you'll hear in our latest MP3:
July 16, 2005
The Difference Between Us and Them
Can someone tell me why stories like this don't get more media attention? Can you really argue that this would not interest people?
Baby Torres Update
Here's an update on Baby Torres:
As of this morning, Susan and the baby are still doing well. The doctor's have decided, based on the most recent sonogram, that the baby will be 24 weeks old on July 18th, which is the earliest Susan can deliver.
Looks like the child will make it, but please keep the Torres and Rollin families in your prayers.
July 15, 2005
Glenn Reynolds's New Book!
An excerpt from "Maybe I Shouldn't Have Said That: A Job Hunter's Guide" by Glenn Reynolds (in the extended entry)
Chapter 4 Deal Breakers
Most job hunting manuals will tell you that it's a good thing to have some questions ready for the interviewer to show that you have a serious interest in the job being offered. However, I've learned through bitter experience that there are some questions that shouldn't be asked, and some comments that shouldn't be made. For example, the following have all, at one time or another, gotten me an armed escort to the front door:
At the dog kennel:
At the homeless shelter:
At Arthur Murray's Dance Studio:
At St. Peter's Cathedral:
At more places than I can count:
At the CIA:
At Blockbuster Video:
At the blood bank:
At the Suicide Hotline:
At the NAACP:
At the National Organization for Women:
I spent six months in the hospital after that last one. So just remember, people: Be careful - it's a jungle out there
Carnival Of Comedy 11
Hey look! It's Friday! Time for the Carnival of Comedy!
-Um, Aren't those supposed to be on Thursday?
Today someone and I won't mention Frank's name asked me "What happened to the Carnival of Comedy, BTW?" (BTW means "By The Way" in computer chat-speak)
To which I said "Crap," and got to putting together a bare bones Carnival.
Here's the Carnival. Of Comedy. The 11th one. Now.
Buckley F. Williams at The Nose On Your Face presents Top 9 Signs That You Might Be A Prisoner At Guantanamo Bay
Elisson at Blog d'Elisson presents The Tale of the Babka and the Terror-Stricken Toll-Taker
Dr. Phat Tony at Dr. Phat Tony's presents Evil Glenn’s 4th Celebration (furry animals beware)
Buckley F. Williams at The Nose On Your Face presents Top 9 Things It Is Funny To Imagine Osama Bin Laden Is Doing Right Now
Mark A. Rayner at The Skwib presents Blognate, and other lame words that we hope never become popular
If you have sent in more than one entry per week and you noticed I only used the first one, that's because I am only going to use the first one from now on.
The reason? Laziness on your host's part AND you really need to send in JUST your A-game, not make a shotgun attempt at humor.
Thanks for participating.
Update: Info on entering the Carnival of Comedy can be found here.
Dr. Duck Answers.
What would you guys do without me - besides work?
Anyway, here are the answers to the questions for Ask Dr. Ducky. I am so glad to be of service to mankind.
Dr. Duck Answers
Since the sky is blue and water is blue does that mean that water and the sky are made out of water?
What's the best way to get my new blog noticed without looking like I'm begging for attention?
You should visit big humor websites and ask them to link your blog. That’s what I would do. Ask for a link. A link would be pretty big.
What happened to all the peeps who always wrote "first" in the comments?(sometimes two or even three times for the same post)I hope Frank J. didn't find a use for his 'little protection' tools, but I don't know...(hence the reason for the question, Dr. Ducky)
(Speaking into his wrist. “We have somebody with a memory.”)
I’m not sure what you’re talking about. Will you please look into this flashy thingy for me?
Not bad. In all honesty, the Wilfred Brimley mustache takes a while to grow. Right now I look like a really gruff Pee Wee Herman. Walrus? I seem to be having some sort of flashback but I can't quite put my finger on it.
(speaking into his wrist, “we have another one”)
Um, Carnival of Comedy. That’s right. Well, after looking at your entries we decided to replace it with something more interesting. Like blank paper.
Unfortunately, the Associated Press mistook the blank paper for another Downing Street memo and now we can’t find it.
That reminds me of what I told CHRTh, Omigosh. I almost forgot - Here’s a link for our readers.
Is Karl Rove actually an evil alien overlord from a giant mass of hot gasses in the Orion Nebula? Am I crazy for believing he is?
Actually, he’s an Evil Alien Overlord Advisor. It pays better.
1) Is it true that if a hippie bites you, you turn into a hippie?
Wow. So many questions.
2. Tie-dyed shirts do indeed make you a hippie. Sorry, that’s the rule – no matter what your conservative credentials are. Hey, if Ronald Reagan had worn a tie-dyed shirt I would have chased him off my lawn with a garden hose!
3 If you kill a hippie for biting you, you can legally kill him. In fact, you have to because you’ll shortly be turning into a hippie.
Oh, sure, I tell you and before you know it, 122 million people buy a ticket and they each win one dollar. If you really want the winning numbers please Paypal me at rightwingduckatyahoodotcom. A fair payment would be $125 million dollars. *results not guaranteed.
If you're hunting in the woods and a PETA rep jumps infront of an animal trying to save it what's the best defense to use in court?
Last week you advised me to get one hair cut every day. Seven hairs are now at the apropriate length but the rest are becoming too long. How long can my hair be before I become a socialist, antiwar, smelly hippy? Please expedite your answer, I'm already shopping for tie-dye.
Posted by Dr. Phat Tony\ at July 15, 2005 12:57 PM
Holy cow. You are definitely not the typical IMAO reader. If you were, your haircut would have been done 4 days ago. BTW, long hair does not make you a socialist, antiwar, smelly hippy. It makes you gay. My advice is to get the hair cut all at once.
Wait until the drawing is over. You’ll find them all over the streets.
Leave a phony flyer lying around.
Top Secret Meeting of the Right Wing.. don’t tell anyone lest protesters spoil everything.
Why did a4g steal my question?
Why didn’t he end his question with a question mark. Excuse me, Mr. I’m So Rich I Can Use All The Punctuation I Want. Did it every occur to you that not everybody has a high end keyboard?
When I was your age we were so poor we ended all our sentences with Plus signs. Then my teacher would come around and make us ADD THEM UP!!! ++++
If all hippies are Commies, does it follow that all Commies are hippies? If the answer is "yes", will you please call my defense attorney?
No. Even Commies have some standards.
What if, after Rehnquist (or someone else) retires, Bush declines to replace him and O'Connor and lets the membership drop to 7? Would the MSM and blogosphere go absolutely insane because they can't engage in partisan warfare over it?
Heh. That would be funny. You should start a blog.
President Bush should do that, and then on his last day as president, appoint someone while the Democrats are out partying.
"Hey, Ted. It's my last day. Can I get your autograph? right here, yep, right where it says I Vote for Ann Coulter"
What wine goes best with duck?
Thanks for the offer, but I prefer beer. Please paypal me at rightwingduck….
Well, mathematically speaking, dropping Michael Moore from two miles up means he falls two feet. Mass Extinction can be better achieved by consistently following his philosophies.
Mistaken Identity. I thought it was a Subway’s.
Here is another question Dr. Duck:
Are you done writing?
You know, it would really help your case about being smart enough to decide for yourself if you could SPELL A BIT BETTER!!!
I say Tit for Tat is always good. If the judges want to mandate law, the congress should start going to work in long flowing robes.
As far as knowing the truth, liberals have a hard time with solid facts (or as they call them – GOP talking points). Try hitting them in the head. When they collapse, yell the facts in their ears. If that doesn’t help, write in next week. I really really care about what happens in all… oops we’re out of time.
Did I say that?I don't think you're clear on your GOP talking points.
Some experts blame a sensitive digestive system. I blame cat bachelor parties. And they hold them every time you are gone. Go check your liquor cabinet.
It is your silliness that makes this segment what it is - a waste of your employer's time.
Have a good weekend.
Relevant Old Post
I had forgotten about this post I wrote a while back, but I was reminded when Michelle Malkin linked to it today (thanks for the traffic), and it seems even more relevant now. If that's now how liberals expect us to handle interrogations, I'm not sure what they want.
BTW, Michelle Malkin has thrown down the gauntlet for us humor bloggers. One of us needs to get working on that satire.
I Frank! I Help Liberals!
There are many liberals out there who still don't get it about terrorism. They blame America and not want go kill all terrorists... but that's what God made terrorists for!
He made them for killing!
Liberals all concerned about Rove and not evil bad people who want us and our friends dead. Rove doesn't want us dead, though; he just wants to implant mind-controlling chips in our brains. So liberals should be concerned with super-bad terrorists.
Why aren't they concerned with terrorists? They must be messed up in the head! I, Frank, know how to fix this...
FIRE THEM OUT OF A CANNON INTO THE SUN!!!
Sun will sort out bad ideas like it sorts hydrogen into helium (I smart; I know that). It will take lots of power to make liberal reach sun, though. I thought on this long time and came up with solution... USE LOTS AND LOTS OF GUNPOWDER!
If first attempt doesn't work, USE EVEN MORE GUNPOWDER!
This is good plan that will work! But sun moves during day! If you do not believe me, check where sun is now and then check were it is later. It will have moved! How do we hit moving sun?
USE COMPUTER WITH CALCULATIONS AND STUFF!
This is good. But then I think that liberals may tear apart from the forces placed upon them by being fired out of cannon with lots and lots of gunpowder. Smart people like me realize things like this. Things like this is problem!
I solve problem!
SEAL LIBERAL IN METAL CAPSULE!
Smart idea solves problem! You may wonder how liberal will know he reach sun. I tell you how.
IT WILL GET VERY VERY HOT!
This is chief characteristic of sun and hard to miss.
Now my idea is done and is good idea. You tell everyone! You get me much money to implement it!
Ask Dr. Duck, July 15th
It's time for that special time - that wonderful time - that time when I, Dr. RightWingDuck, Professor Demeritus from Sue Doe's School of Psychiatry & Grill, answer the questions that are on YOUR mind.
The doctor is in.
Do you have questions about life? Relationships? Family? Work?
I can help*
Leave question in comments. Answers should be up by 12:00 PST.
*Disclaimer. Help is neither possible nor probable. All questions and answers become part of the IMAO help forum - your soul too. If the answer doesn't satisfy you, please Paypal a consulting fee of $20 to rightwingduckatyahoodotcom and I'll spend your money. Dr. Duck has taken medications in various clinical trials and is familiar with their side effects. Remember, that talking about it won't fix things, but it can make me feel better.
Shameless Self Promotion/Loathing
Hey kids! Its time to denigrate the overblog, again. Remember what fun it was back in 2004?
Yes that means, I am running the denigrate the overblog contest again over at my old haunt.
But what about the overblog? Who's getting entirely too much traffic and just.doesn't.deserve.it? Got any nominations? Rules are the same as the one for underblogs except backwards and this year, upside-down ...or...something like that.
Who'll get mad at me this year? Stick around over there and find out!
Hey, YOUR denigrating comments could be the straw that breaks the camel's back!
Issue 27 - Time to Prove Who the Real Aquaman Is
It's your favorite superhero once again. I had submitted a piece for the last podcast about which fish are the best conversationalists. I guess the e-mail got lost on the way to Scott, though, because it wasn't in there.
Who cares, though? Blogging is much cooler, isn't it? Here I can share my political opinions instantly.
Know who I think should be the next Supreme Court Justice? An octopus. It has eight arms with suction cups. I wouldn't want a squid as judge, though, because it...
Actually, never mind. Last time I went on about a squid, I got accused of being a racist. I was just stating the facts, though.
Anyway, on to Aquaman Vol. 4, Issue# 27 (the April '05 issue).
It's the second part to the story about how the underwater world of Sub Diego has been turned topsy-turvy. Ends up my evil sorcerer brother The Ocean Master has cast a huge spell making people thing he's Aquaman and that I'm The Ocean Master. But what artifact allowed him to make so huge a spell? You'll be super surprised when you find out!
Let's look at a sample of the issue:
Wow! Look at all that exciting action… in water! Better snatch up a back issue before they're all gone! I'll be back later with more about the most exciting comic adventures out there - those of, me, Aquaman!
This is Aquaman, signing off.
July 14, 2005
Happy Bastille Day
Happy Bastille Day everyone!!
Ironically, today is also the day Michael Moore commemorates his washboard abs.
Michael Moore is a lot like France in that it’s been ages since he’s been able to find his penis.
During the Bastille parade – French military march down the Champs-Elysées. The troops train for months for this special day – mostly because they must resist the never- ending urge to lay down their weapons.
Celebrations include lots and lots of fireworks. With all that sulfur in the air, you can almost forget you’re standing among the French.
Families line up along the boulevard to cheer on the troops and wave the official French flag. In a pinch, many wave the unofficial flag – a white handkerchief.
Historians have carried out thorough investigations and are sure that the French Revolution was started by the Bush Dynasty in an effort to control whale oil.
The Grand Marshall for 2004 was Jerry Springer.
Things were so bad during the French Revolution – Les Miserables was considered a comedy.
At one point in time the French were cool. Who else would dare to eat a snail – with warm butter? Besides Australians – they’ll do anything on a dare.
The slogan of France is "Liberté, Egalité, Fraternité" – which means “Surrender is Patriotic”
Happy Bastille Day Everyone!!
Can you think of other ways to celebrate Bastille Day?
Post in comments.
If I Were President: Speech on Nominating a Supreme Court Justice
NOTE: This post contains naughty language, up to and including a synonym for a donkey. Yes, if I were President, I would swear more often.
Liberals and the American People, I come before you today to explain what I am seeking in a new Supreme Court Justice. Some think there needs to be special qualifications to be a member of the Supreme Court, but I would like to remind you of something:
THE CONSTITUTION IS ONLY LIKE THREE FRICK'N PAGES LONG!
Theoretically, anyone with a sixth-grade level of reading comprehension should be able to check if something is allowed by the Constitution. Instead we have all this precedent crap and who knows what else to complicate the hell out of what should be a simple thing. What's really needed here? Years and years of a legal education or just an hour reading the actual document in question here?
Some have asked if there will be litmus test based on the Roe v. Wade decision.
OF COURSE THERE WILL BE!
And it hasn't nothing to do with abortion, either. It's just that anyone who thinks that Roe v. Wade is a sane Supreme Court decision should not only not be a Supreme Court Justice, he should not be a Supreme Court janitor. I mean, come on; the majority opinion spelled out things based on trimesters! Now, simple question: Is that something out of the Constitution or something pulled out of one's ass? And should judgments on law be based on the Constitution or what comes out of one's ass?
I think we all know the answer to that.
Anyhoo, appointing a Justice is still an important thing, because it is a lifetime appointment. Then again, I can always kill them and pardon myself - yet another check and balance. And it's an option I may use if some of the more choice idiots in the Supreme Court don't decide to retire.
And that's all I had to say about that. God bless.
Is this news?
I was working my way through my RSS feeds this morning, when this "news" story popped up:
Former US presidential candidate hails decision to scrub Discovery launch
CAPE CANAVERAL, Florida July 13 (AFP) - Former Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry Wednesday hailed the decision to postpone Discovery's launch, saying it showed NASA's capability to detect problems with the space shuttle. "You should look at today not as a disappointment but as a system that has worked," Kerry told journalists at the Kennedy Space Center shortly after NASA's 11th-hour decision to call of the launch. "The check system is working and the process found something that needed to be addressed. The astronauts are safe, the shuttle is on the ground, and they will address it," the Massachussetts senator said. Mission managers canceled Wednesday's planned launch because of a problem with Discovery's fuel system.
Man, why didn't I think of this. Of course the Space Shuttle didn't launch the first day, and it probably won't for a couple days more.
Do you know how many tourists have come to see this Shuttle launch? Do you know how much tax money my county is making off of them?
Each scrubbed launch means another day the tourists will be here. So, I bet there will be a few more faked attempts at launching the Shuttle to get mo' money.
Simple economics, people.
How to Subscribe to the IMAO Podcast
Do you want to subscribe to the IMAO Podcast but can't figure out how iPodder works? Are you frustrated that Apple doesn't show the IMAO Podcast in iTunes anymore?
Help is here! I have posted Step-By-Step Help for anyone having trouble subscribing to the podcast on the IMAO Podcast website. If you have you have iPodder or iTunes, these pages tell you exactly how to get the IMAO Podcast automatically downloaded to your computer every Monday.
Check out our new IMAO Podcast Step-By-Step Help page here. If you think of anything that would improve this guide or anything else in the IMAO Podcast, please e-mail your suggestions to email@example.com
July 13, 2005
The Empire Strikes Back
After the cowardly attacks in London, the Brits went completely whacking hatstand, plotting bloody vengeance against those what done them wrong.
In their own typical, understated, cultured, and excessively polite English way, the Crown's Tommy's re-doubled their efforts in the Middle East to stick a dagger in the heart of organized Muslim terror.
Amongst the weaponry rapidly deployed against the filthy terrorists were such diverse elements as:
The Rather Unpleasant Exploding Head Laser Beam
The 20 Megaton Nuclear Crumpet of Mild Inconvenience
The Terribly Sorry About That Old Chap 7.62mm Explosive Sniper Round
The Didn't Mean to Trouble You Electrified Gonad Zapper and Battlefield Intelligence Procurer
The Double-Oh Eyeball Knife
Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Napalm Spam Spam Spam and Spam
The Bit of a Sticky Rocket-Propelled Wicket
The 'Tis But a Scratch Depleted Uranium Bugger the Blighters Bunker Buster Missile
The Not Quite Cricket Cluster Bomb
The Nudge Nudge Say No More Bazooka
A special propaganda bomb containing pamphlets imprinted with a single, multiple choice question:
"Sunny morning, me cheeky monkeys, and quiz me this: What word best describes Osama bin Laden?
I *do* so love the Brits. Bless them and pray for them, and may their swords forever drip with the blood of Mangy Mohammeds.
An IMAO Podcast CD?
Consider the folowing:
Ok maybe that last one was just a tad off the wall but what do you say?
What would your interest in something like that be? What say ye?
Some journalists have trouble telling terrorists from freedom fighters. How can they be sure?
If you are knocked down and pounded by either me or another concerned citizen, then you improperly labeled a terrorist as a "freedom fighter."
We're here to help.
Just in Case, Send Jimmy Carter to the Signing
I was just thinking: Since the people of Al Qaeda want to be martyred, i.e., die for their cause, and we are itching to kill them for their cause, isn't that enough of a basis to make a treaty with them? Or am I missing something?
Oh, and for all the trouble they've caused us, we should demand some land in exchange for killing them all.
The Huffington Post continues to be saturated with lefty idiots, but once again their own Greg Gutfeld guts 'em. I'm guessing the reason they haven't banned him yet is that he brings them most of their traffic.
(hat tip to Conservative Grapevine)
Karl Rove's Crime
Karl Rove's crime apparently is that he is, in fact, unabashedly and admittedly Karl Rove.
I know, what was shocking and repugnant and utterly unthinkable only a few years ago now is a simple cold hard fact of nature.
But here we are a nation with a Karl Rove living among us. Living among those of us who live in the nation's capital anyway.
He freely admits it. Hey, the man even answers to it.
Reporter: Karl Rove!
See? That's all the evidence they'll ever need to convict him.
Maybe if he changed his name they'd like him more. I'm thinking to something like maybe, Marx.
Return to Flight!
Yay! Space Shuttle launch today! No more relying on those tin cans duct-taped to rockets the Russians use! I have my "Return to Flight" t-shirt on I just bought for the Kennedy Space Center, and I'm close enough, that, if I go to the roof of my building at the right time, I should be able to see the shuttle launching (then again, that requires me to walk and do stuff).
So what are the goals of today's mission into space? Incidentally, there are ten of them in ranked order of importance, so...
THE TOP TEN PLANS FOR THE DISCOVERY'S ASTRONAUTS WHILE IN SPACE
10. See if in space they really can't hear you scream by going out in space and screaming really, really loud.
9. Add module to the space station with a minibar filled with vodka to try and get more funding from the Russian cosmonauts.
8. Japanese astronaut Soichi Noguchi to use his samurai skills to defend the International Space Station from Chinese space ninjas.
7. Test out first deep-space deep-fryer (space will seem less empty with freshly cooked corndogs).
6. If zero-g containment of hot oil in new deep-fryer is unsuccessful, test new fire extinguishers.
5. Do slow-motion, choreographed fights in zero-g to pretend they're in The Matrix.
4. Science says monkeys can't breathe in space, but can you really be sure until you shoot one out an airlock?
3. Test repairing thermal tiles in space - unless double-dog dared by Russians to try landing with as many damaged tiles as possible.
2. See if new and improved Tang with more orange-like flavor increases their productivity.
And the number one plan for the Discovery astronauts while in space...
Don't blow up.
Godspeed, guys. You have our prayers and our fingers crossed.
July 12, 2005
RWD Interviews the Evil Twin
Here at IMAO, we’re not just about ridicule and mockery – we also strive to interview the famous and not so famous. Plus we sell t-shirts.
Anyway, we’ve spent a lot of time mocking Howard Dean – or as we call him God’s Blessing on Republicans. However, today’s post is dedicated to informing our readers of another Dean, someone who has worked hard all of his life to make a difference, only to be cast out like a cheap brochure from the Dan Rather Memo Verification Seminar.
However, at IMAO we strive to bring you the truth – wherever we might find it. Today, we have a very special interview.
RWD’s interview with Howard Dean”s Evil Twin.
RWD: Hello, Evil Twin.
Stevie:I have a name you know. Call me Stevie.
RWD Okay. So, evil twin, I mean Stevie. So, are you really twins?
Stevie:I was born first. Howard just 15 minutes later. To this day he keeps asking for a recount. He says mom was plotting against him.
Stevie:Well, Howard doesn’t like me surfacing. He says an Evil Twin has no place in politics.
RWD:What makes you evil?
Stevie:Well, you know. I’m a youth pastor at a small church in Ohio. I married a female, and I tend to vote Republican.
Stevie:(laughs) Yeah, nice to know one of my votes in Ohio might have made the difference for Dubya. I almost didn’t make it. Somebody slashed my tires.
RWD: #!@&* . You think Howard did it?
Stevie:Watch you language young man. Not only did they slash the tires, they wrote “Mom loves me best” on the windshield.
Stevie:Yes, but you know. I’d like to thank you and the staff at IMAO for all of the laughs. I can’t believe Frank has been blogging for three years now.
RWD:You read IMAO?
Stevie:Oh, yes. You guys are too silly. I pray for you guys and that the Holy Spirit will give you clarity to see the folly in our world. Sometimes humor is a good weapon to use to mock the silly ideas of our age.
RWD:Sounds like your faith in Christ is important to you. What was it like growing up with Howard?
Stevie:What was it like growing up? We were both good kids. We both studied very hard and went to church. I went to a bible believing church. Howard wasn’t happy with it, so he eventually found one with a bike path AND a gym! That made him happy Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays – even the occasional Sunday.
RWD:You seem to have a small scar. Is there a story?
Stevie: (chuckles) Sure thing, Ducky. Memories. Ah memories.
Howard came out, threw a water pitcher at me and stood on stage screaming and spitting for two straight minutes. He lost the election – but next week was voted to lead the school’s chapter of the Young Democrats. I won of course. Howard placed fourth, a few votes behind Ura Dork and I.P. Freeley.
RWD:Thanks for visiting with us. Do you mind if we keep in touch with you as things develop in the political arena?
Stevie:That would be delightful. I love reading your stuff Ducky. I remember when you and Harvey were guest bloggers. I loved the wild stuff you would get away with. Remember the time [CENSORED BECAUSE FRANK MIGHT BE READING]
Stevie:God bless you, Ducky. You and the crew at IMAO.
Update: I know most IMAO readers know this, but I want to credit Cadet Happy with the 'enhanced' picture of Stevie Dean. Man, they look alike, almost as if they were twins.. oh, yeah.
John Kerry Cares About Our National Security for a Change
I haven't really been following this whole Plame affair thingy with Rove, but then I got a letter from John Kerry (he served in Vietnam). Thus, I decided to give this matter my full attention:
Less than two weeks ago, members of the johnkerry.com community demanded that Karl Rove be fired for his deliberate attempt to, once again, use the aftermath of the 9/11 attacks to divide America.
Yeah, his statement that divided this country - the weenies from the non-weenies. Have those upset by his statement thought of getting therapy along with the terrorists?
Now Karl Rove is embroiled in another controversy concerning the leaked identity of a covert CIA agent, which was done to punish her husband, a man who had the courage to tell the truth about manipulated intelligence in Iraq.
Ooh! That sounds bad! Tell me more!
Karl Rove is the President's top advisor in the White House and what he has admitted doing has deep and troubling consequences for our national security.
Trouble consequences for national security! We could all die! We need to... Wait a minute; when did John Kerry suddenly become concerned with national security?
It's hard to understand how the President can tolerate his top advisor being involved in exposing a CIA agent in the name of politics by telling reporters about her work - making her already dangerous job that much more dangerous.
I thought I heard she was at a desk job at the time. Did Karl Rove give her thinner paper to increase her risks of paper cuts?
In order to do what the President called on us to do earlier this week - "continue to take the fight to the enemy" - the White House and Karl Rove must stop taking it to their so-called political enemies here at home.
So John Kerry is really concerned with taking "the fight to the enemy" and not griping about the soda being flat at Gitmo?
It's perfectly clear that Rove - the person at the center of the slash and burn, smear and divide tactics that have come to characterize the Bush Administration - has to go.
I always thought the Bush Administration was characterized more by dumb joke and terrorists killing. Even if we wanted Rove to go, though, what could we do?
Wow! A whole URL for firing Rove! Does he know about this? Does he know I know about this? Am I in danger now?
The problem is that, instead of protecting the American people from real threats to our security, this Administration spends its time protecting Karl Rove. That's not leadership.
And John Kerry knows not leadership. Yeah, if Scott McClellan didn't have to spend a few minutes the past couple press conferences being asked about Rove, we could have caught Osama bin Laden by now.
They're doing their best to brush off this new Rove controversy as just another political story, but this time they are having a harder time getting away with it. That's why, if we raise our voices now, we can really make a difference.
You sure this time you'll make a difference? Because you liberals have had a lot of false starts thinking your noise-making would make a difference. How will we make our voice heard, though?
Please ask all your friends to sign our "Fire Rove" petition today:
Hey! There's that URL again! Let go to it now!
Or keep reading...
Despite carefully worded denials, it is now apparent that Karl Rove discussed the identity of an undercover CIA agent with a reporter.
Apparently she was undercover as someone well known to be a CIA agent. Ingenious!
His clear aim was to discredit that agent's husband who had dared to challenge the Administration in the buildup to the war.
Didn't you vote for the buildup for war, Kerry? That means he was challenging you too! You shouldn't stand for that; you served in Vietnam. If I were you, I'd out his wife as a CIA agent.
There appears to be no limit to the lengths to which Rove - and this Administration - will go.
I hear Bush even has a plan to go to Mars.
But, there is a limit to the patience of the American people - and we have reached it.
And there's an even shorter limit to our attention spans. What's your point now?
President Bush has a choice to make: Spend the months ahead focused on protecting Karl Rove's job security or spend them focused on protecting America's national security.
Sure he could focus on national security, but then you'd just say he's not focusing on jobs... and you've have a point, too, since Karl Rove would have just lost his.
We are asking the President and the White House to do what they promised. When the scandal first broke, here's what the President's spokesman, Scott McClellan, said:
What did he say? What did he say?
"If anyone in this Administration was involved in it, they would no longer be in this Administration." (9/29/03, White House press briefing). Now we will find out if the Administration honors its word.
Yeah, but that's before they knew the evil genius Karl Rove was behind this. Why, this whole scandal could be some plan of his. Maybe even this letter!
I just wish there was some way I could pointlessly sign a petition to fire Karl Rove...
Call on President Bush to keep his word and fire Rove now:
Oh yeah! That URL!
It's as simple as this: We need President Bush and his White House staff to focus on finally taking action necessary to avoid a quagmire in Iraq.
Not the Q word again. So Karl Rove needs to get fired so people stop comparing Iraq to Vietnam? Didn't you serve in Vietnam? Why didn't you do a better job and keep it from being a quagmire?
The American people can't afford to wait while the White House spends its time and energy defending a top presidential aide's dangerous political maneuvers.
I'm pretty sure Karl Rove can defend himself. I heard he once fought 90 other samurai at once!
Or was that Miyamato Mushashi...
In the days ahead, the President will either make good on his promise to hold accountable those who shared the identity of a secret soldier in the war on terror - or he'll prove that promise hollow.
Secret soldier? Are we still talking about that woman who posed in Vanity Fair?
We now know that Karl Rove "was involved" in a breach of national security.
Wow! Using the White House's lingo against them; that's smart. No wonder you did nearly as well as President Bush at Yale.
Decency - and the interests of the American people - demand an end to Karl Rove's days in the White House. It's time for you to demand it as well.
But how can we do that?
Oh yeah. Thanks for reminding me about the webpage again.
I urge you to take action right now.
Only one more question: Will this online petition be e-mailed to Bush, or actually printed out and mailed so he can use it as toilet paper?
President Bush Would Be Mad - MAD! I SAY - to Not Nominate a Robot as the Next Supreme Court Justice
An Editorial by Frank J.
A serious duty has fallen on President Bush: he must find a new Supreme Court Justice to replace judgette Sandra Day O'Connor. There is hardly anything more important in politics than who are running the Supreme Court, because they can make up laws and take away rights as long as they can get a couple of their buddies to go a long with the crazy schemes.
"Nothing can stop the Robo-Supreme Court Justice from upholding the Constitution. NOTHING!"
Some people are suggesting Bush appoint another woman. Others are saying he should appoint a minority like a Hispanic. Still others are saying - get this - he appoint a minority woman. Then there are a few even saying Bush should pick someone based on his or her qualifications. Now, at first I thought that last idea was CRAZY! I mean, what are the qualifications for being a Supreme Court Justice? All one is supposed to do is read that three or so page document that is our Constitution and make sure laws fit it. You could probably train a monkey to do it, or, better yet… A ROBOT!
Think of it! A robot - instead of programmed with Isaac Asimov's three laws of robotics about not killing people and stuff (which you just know it's going to logicize around until it decides it must kill all humans) - programmed with the Constitution and the one directive to destroy all things that deviate from it. Plus, it would wear a black robe. IT'S BRILLIANT!
A quick reading of the Constitution (again, the thing is like three pages long) shows nothing preventing the President from nominating a robot (or, for that matter, a potted plant, a junkyard dog, or a cheap bottle of whiskey). Thus he'd be a fool - A FOOL - to not do as I suggest. Think of it: the perfect protector of the Constitution made from NEARLY INDESTRUCTIBLE METAL!
Were some fool to come before it and argue for a law that violates the tenets of the Constitution, the robot would say in it's loud metallic voice, "This does not compute with the Constitution." It would then incinerate the violator with it's LASER EYES! And were a majority of other justices to vote for something that did not follow the Constitution, the robot would use its POWERFUL METAL ARMS and GIANT ROBOT CLAWS to stop them, perhaps crushing the head of a justice or two to invalidate their votes (dead justices can't vote). Nothing can stop the Robo-Supreme Court Justice from upholding the Constitution. NOTHING! MUH HA HA HA HA!
Of course, it would be inevitable that the robot would eventually interpret the Constitution to mean all humans must be destroyed - that's just how robot logic works. That's the beauty of the principle of the separation of powers, because it would fall on the Executive Branch to then follow the ruling and kill all humans, but it probably wouldn't since it's composed entirely of humans and one cyborg.
But how do we get the robot approved by the Senate? How? HOW?
What's that you say? ROBOT SENATORS? That's COMPLETELY INSANE! So insane that... I'LL GET WORKING ON IT RIGHT NOW! MUH HA HA HA!
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and frequent contributor to IMAOPodcast.com. He is also the author of such books as "They'll Rue the Day They All Laughed at Me" and "The World's Wackiest Supreme Court Rulings".
I Wonder What Would Happen If I Wrote Something Substantive...
July 11, 2005
When we hear them say stuff like how we should "take the storm seriously" and "get to safety!" then they turn around, go out into the wind and rain to capture live footage of the destruction, and tie ropes to their legs so they don't fly away.
They tell us the rain feels like NEEDLES! What a bunch of loons.
You know I'd guess the last scenes most people see when they are killed in a hurricane are, I'm very sure, "unbelievable" and "incredible."
Not the brightest folk, these storm reporters. Then again, I guess that's why they are in cable news, instead of the real world.
And yes I lived and made it back safe, thanks.
In a fight between Superman and a Supreme Court Justice, who would win?
The Supreme Court Justice. Superman, though extremely powerful, is limited by the yellow sun. A Supreme Court Justice, on the other hand, has infinite power over all things.
In My World: Supreme Anger Part II
* * * *
Bush walked into the Senate chambers. "So how is the hearing on making Chomps the next Supreme Court Justice?" he asked, "I think the world's angriest dog would really balance out the decisions."
"He's responding to all our questions by viciously mauling Ted Kennedy!" shouted a frustrated Harry Reid.
"Is that true, Chomps?" Bush asked the rottweiler.
Chomps responded by leaping at Ted Kennedy and savagely biting him.
"If we have someone that vicious in the Supreme Court," George Voinovich said, "I fear for my grandchildren and..." He then broke down crying.
"No crying!" Bush shouted, "And that goes for you too, Dick Durbin!"
"You can't tell me what to do, you Nazi!" Senator Durbin yelled back. He then started crying. "I'm sorry if you misinterpreted that in a way that was hurtful." Chomps then jumped Durbin and started biting him.
"See, he's attacking Durbin now," Bush pointed out, "That's progress, right?"
"We don't want him attacking anyone!" Reid answered.
"But that's how he communicates," Bush said, "He's just a dog."
"And I don't even know if a dog is allowed to become a Supreme Court Justice."
"What does the Constitution say about that?" Bush asked.
Chomps responded by savagely attacking Ted Kennedy.
"I wasn't asking you," Bush clarified.
"We haven't been able to check because our copy of the Constitution we had here was savagely ripped apart," Reid said.
"Chomps, did you do that?" Bush asked the dog sternly.
Chomps responded to the question by savagely biting Ted Kennedy.
"Actually, it was Ruth Bader Ginsburg," Senator Frist stated.
"See, I want a Supreme Court Justice who will savagely rip apart Ted Kennedy and not the Constitution," Bush declared.
"Well, I don't think this vicious animal is worthy of being a Supreme Court Justice!" Reid asserted.
Chomps walked up to Reid and growled.
Reid jumped on a desk and defensively shouted, "So what is your opinion on Roe v. Wade?"
Chomps responded to the question by savagely biting Ted Kennedy.
* * * *
"It is believed by many that Bush's Supreme Court nominee, Chomps the World Angriest Dog, has an anger problem," said the anchorwoman, "This is supported by the fact that he is in the Guinness Book of World Records as the World's Angriest Dog, that numerous psychologist say he has a brain imbalance causing a rage problem, that everyone who know the dog describes him as 'extremely angry,' and that no one has been able to obtain any footage of Chomps where is not acting extremely angry."
Cheney turned away from the TV to look at Bush. "Of all the idiotic things you've done as president, nominating that psychotic rottweiler to the Supreme Court has to be one of the most entertaining."
"I just think that dogs haven't gotten enough representation in government," Bush answered, "Isn't that right, Barney?"
"Yipe! Yipe!" the Scottish terrier replied.
"Let's see how he does on This Week with George Stephanopoulos," Cheney said.
On screen was Chomps alone at a table.
"Where's Snufalufagus?" Bush asked.
Chomps coughed up a shoe.
"He swallowed him!" Cheney shouted, "That's going to be bad publicity!"
"It's not Chomps's fault," Bush stated, "Snufalufagus is just so small he couldn't help but swallow him."
* * * *
"What's up, Rummy?" Bush asked as he entered Rumsfeld's house.
"What have you been doing with my dog?" Rumsfeld demanded.
"I've been trying to make him a Supreme Court Justice."
"I don't want him to be some fruity judge!" Rumsfeld yelled, "And what have you been feeding him?"
Chomps made some coughing sounds in another room. Then George Stephanopoulos came running out of the house screaming, "Aieee!"
"Greek food," Bush answered.
Rumsfeld walked into the library to find Chomps reading a book of Supreme Court decisions, viciously ripping apart the majority decision or dissent in each one. "Bad dog!" Rumsfeld yelled as he hit Chomps on the nose with a rolled up newspaper, "The only thing you should be concerned about is scaring away the neighborhood kids." Chomps barked at Rumsfeld and then ran out of the house. Rumsfeld then looked to Bush. "And you stay away from my dog or I'll rip off your arms and legs and beat you with them!"
"Will the doctors be able to reattach them afterwards?" Bush asked in panic.
Rumsfeld took a drink from a flask of whiskey. "Not my concern."
* * * *
"Now I need to find another Supreme Court nominee," Bush complained as he lay in bed next to Laura.
"Just listen to your staff and that scary Karl Rove this time and don't pick out any angry dogs," Laura told him.
Bush laid his head on his pillow and closed his eyes. After a few moments, he sprung up. "You know, I saw this one monkey at the zoo who might..."
"Go to sleep!"
My New Hero
My New Hero is Greg Gutfeld of the Huffington Post. He's about the only person at the Huffington Post I see other bloggers link to, and all he seems to do is make fun of the Huffington Post and its bloggers. Like read this wacked out post from Norman Mailer and Gutfeld's response. He even made fun of Arianna herself in his latest. And then there is this one which I don't what it's in reaction to, but it's still really funny.
So he my new hero... though SarahK is convinced he's gay.
New IMAO Podcast Available
The latest IMAO Podcast is up at our sister site, the appropriately titled http://www.IMAOPodcast.com
In this latest podcast:
Visit the IMAO Podcast website's Download page to start your Monday off right.
We love to hear your feedback on the IMAO Podcast, so send us an e-mail to firstname.lastname@example.org or leave us a comment in this post.
July 10, 2005
Fun Facts About Colorado: The Director's Cut
The version on the IMAO podcast (#6) was cut here & there for time & quality reasons.
My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision lies within the extended entry...
Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.
This week, grab your hiking boots because we're headed to the Rocky Mountains of Colorado, so let's get started...
Colorado is a large state in the West-central US that has spent the last century battling Wyoming for the coveted title of "Most Rectangular State".
Although people from Colorado have no distinctive accent, they can still be easily recognized by the fact that, when they say "Coors", they don't grimace.
The state of Colorado has an average elevation of 7000 feet above sea level, which, technically, makes its citizens space aliens.
The most common cause of death in Colorado is being struck by low-flying satellites.
Due to its high altitude, water in Colorado boils at a much lower temperature than at sea level, which is why joggers there frequently evaporate into clouds of steam.
Despite the impression given by a certain animated TV show, South Park, Colorado is NOT actually a real city. If you don't believe me, you can [CENSORED] my [CENSORED] you [CENSORED].
Skiing in Aspen, Colorado is both a popular tourist attraction and an effective way to kill a Kennedy without wasting a perfectly good bullet.
Colorado hopes to use the sport of Whitewater Rafting to take out a Baldwin sometime in 2006.
The state motto of Colorado is "Wanna buy a slightly used life-jacket for cheap?"
The cheeseburger was invented in Denver in 1935, which is why Michael Moore bows down in the direction of the city five times a day.
Annoyed by the millions of misdirected Valentines that arrive at their post office every year, the citizens of Loveland, Colorado will soon be holding a referendum to change the city's name. Options include Bitterdivorceland, PMSington, and Hillaryville.
Denver is home to the world's largest rodeo. While it's in progress, the city has nearly as many men dressed in leather chaps as San Francisco.
This does NOT make them gay, although they ARE flattered, and possibly a little curious.
There are over 200 parks in the city of Denver, which are filled with hiking trails, petting zoos, and angry tourists whose flights out of the city were cancelled due to sudden snowstorms.
Zebulon Pike, of Pike's Peak fame, was never actually on top of the object which bears his name, but he DID bring it to the nation's attention by mentioning it frequently. Not unlike John Kerry's relationship with his wife Teresa.
Colorado is the most dangerous state through which to fly and airplane, due to the risk of being hit by cattle that accidentally fall off moutainsides while grazing.
The city of Dove Creek, Colorado is the "Pinto Bean Capital of the World". Coincidentally, the nearby city of Cortez is the "Air Freshener Capital of the World".
Mesa Verde, Colorado is home to an abandoned Indian city made up of buildings carved directly into the cliffs. No one knows exactly what happened to the residents, although they may have been eaten by the Donner Party.
Colorado became the 38th state on August 1st, 1876, a fact celebrated by no one at the time, since everybody was still too hung over from celebrating America's Centennial.
Famous horror movie actor Lon Chaney was born in Colorado Springs. He moved to Hollywood in 1902 after a mob of angry villagers chased him out of the state.
Colorado's flag consists of a field of horizontal blue and white stripes, with a red letter C in the middle. The inside of the C is colored yellow as a warning to tourists that not all snow is edible.
Colorado's state dinosaur is the stegosaurus, which has been extinct since 1997, when the last one died from being hit by a Kennedy while skiing in Aspen.
The state insect of Colorado is the tick, which is highly prized by locals because telling a girl that you want to check her for ticks is a great excuse for getting her clothes off.
The Square Dance was named Colorado's state dance in 1992, narrowly beating out the Macarena and the Achy-Breaky.
That wraps up the Colorado edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be hitting the Eastern seaboard for a look at Connecticut.
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go bow down towards Denver... mmmm... cheeseburgers...
[The complete e-book version of "Fun Facts About the 50 States" is now available at Amazon.com. If you don't have a Kindle, you can download free Kindle apps for your web browser, smartphone, computer, or tablet from Amazon.com]
Remember, the short version of this (as well as a vast array of even better stuff) is still available at http://www.imaopodcast.com/
July 09, 2005
Thanks for the Well-Wishes
Yeppers, today marks three years of the IMAO blog. That's like forever in internet terms. Would have posted something earlier, but I was at a meeting to help set up a transitional house for homeless women. Always trying to change the world here on the internet (more on a new idea next week), but it's nice to do some work to help at least a few people directly.
Anyhoo, it is International Link to IMAO Day, so make sure you've linked to IMAO if you have a blog. The Alliance, at the behest of Susie, has a whole bunch of horrible lies about me in celebrations. It’s neat to think back to that first filthy lie and how the meme continues to this day.
BTW, if you want to give me money, some reason monkey's link doesn't work, but the donation button for the wedding of me and SarahK up in the left-hand corner works. Only other thing I ask is to vote for us at podcast alley on the new podcast, as we dropped to 13th place and being in the top ten give us lots of exposure.
Thanks for continuing to come back to IMAO. I'm not always super-duper funny every single moment, but I try hard. And, if I didn't have this outlet, I'd probably hurt people.
Be honorable, ronin.
Y'all Needs to be Pimp'n Frank J. for His Blogiversary
Today is Frank's 3rd blogiversary, so to celebrate I am going to blatantly encourage "link-doping" in order to nudge him up the Ecosystem! My evil plan was to pick a post of his, and exhort everyone to link to it with just "Indeed." The problem is, once I got to IMAO, I couldn't find anything Frank wrote! There's some really funny stuff by Harvey and rightwingduck, but I had to scroll half way to the next blog to find Frank's last post--and it's just a blockquote from somewhere else.
Ask Ducky - Podcast Version
We've decided to make ask Dr. Duck a part of the podcast. I'll probably take some of the questions from Friday and work them in.
However, if there are OTHER questions that you'd like answered - post them today by 7pm Eastern time. Post in comments or email them to me at rightwingduckatyahoodotcom.
Oh, and can you BELIEVE it's been three years since Frank J. blessed us with his humor?
Happy Anniversery Supreme Blog Overlord.
You are the reason I got into blogging!!!
Frank's 3rd Blogiversary - How to Celebrate.
Frank has been blogging now for 3 years as of today.
So of course you are thinking, "Where's my free ice cream?" CUT IT OUT!
You selfish free ice cream demanders need to stop, and step back for moment and think of Frank for a change. Think about his needs, desires and quest for world domination.
To paraphrase, John Kennedy, the Democrat responsible for U.S. involvement in Viet Nam,
Ask not what Frank can do for you.
The answer is manyfold, varied and yes sundry. Actually that's not the answer more of a description of the answer.
The real answer is of course to do things to help expand Frank's reach, popularity, power and ultimately his pocketbook.
Happy Blogiver$ary, Bo$$
July 08, 2005
The Truth About Frank J.
In honor of his third blogiversary (July 9th), I thought I should promulgate some important information about Frank J.
It's not always pretty, but the readership deserves to know these:
TOTALLY TRUE TIDBITS ABOUT FRANK J.
Frank J is actually a demented cyber-demon from another dimension, and his "In My World" posts are reprints from his world's version of the New York Times.
Even though Frank J. professes to like guns, he doesn't actually own any. His only weapon is a pair of fingernail clippers.
These were recently confiscated at the airport, so he is now defenseless. Go punch him.
Frank J. has been known to use third-rate, spam-infested search engines like Alltheweb.com instead of Google when doing research for his Frank Answers posts. This may explain why a question such as "How many parsecs in a light year?" will receive answers like "V!@GR@"
Frank J. has a web site. People visit, receive immense pleasure, and go away. Yet afterwards, Frank J. still has his web site, which he will use again and again in an attempt to make money. Although this is analagous to what a prostitute does, this does not make Frank J. a whore.
A T-shirt pimp, maybe, but not a whore.
Frank J's grandfather, Frank H., was exiled from France in 1939 because - due to a tragic childhood accident - he was unable to raise both arms above his head, thus making him unfit for French citizenship.
Despite Frank J.'s devotion to the Christian faith, God still thinks Scrappleface is funnier.
When he goes to the shooting range, Frank J. always draws chimp ears on the targets and screams "Die, you simian bastard!" between trigger squeezes.
You laugh now, but when the monkey menace invades, you'll be begging for Frank's protection.
Frank J. is NOT happy to see you. That's just a pistol in his pocket.
Or possibly a pair of nail clippers.
When he's not blogging or podcasting, Frank J. is secretly buying black-market fissionable materials and missile technology from former Soviet-bloc countries. That moon ain't gonna nuke itself, ya know.
In a battle between Frank J. and Aquaman, Frank J. would hold a flounder hostage and threaten it with a Popeil Pocket Fisherman while he made good his escape.
In a battle between Frank J. and Hurricane Dennis, Frank would defeat the blustery winds of doom with his mighty katana and fierce battle cry of "I am the great Frank J.! Worship me!"
Which he'd say twice.
I hope this clears up some of the mystery surrounding the legend that is Frank J.
Happy Blogiversary, Ronin.
Dr. Duck Answers, Part 2
Once I again, the doctor is here to make sure that all of the questions you have are answered for you.
Ask Dr. Duck - Part 2.
O say, can you see, by the dawn's early light,What so proudly we hail'd at the twilight's last gleaming?
Okay. Weird question but I guess you have a lot on your mind.
Yes, some of the followers of Islam do end up in the gutter, and on the walls, and on the windows… but that doesn’t make it a mental disorder. Actually, it does.
Who put the bomp in the bomp bah bomp bah bomp?
I don’t know, but I’d like to thank the guy
What is your name?
To go along with Steve L; Who wrote the book of love?
The book of love was written by Dr. Seuss. It was then burned for being heretical.
If who’s on first, then what’s on second. That’s RIGHT. But it’s not a question.
That question about the face brings back memories. Once, my army buddies and I went on a hunting trip. After we were done killing stuff, we sat around the campfire that night. While my friend Bill was making a face at the group and we were laughing it up– my buddy Dave nailed him in the back with an axe. Hahahahaha. I guess you had to be there. Anyway, Bill’s face did indeed stay that way, mostly because his family ended up using a budget funeral home. That reminds me, I should go hunting again.
Well, I have a friend in Texas named Tom. I know there can’t possibly be TWO of you, so I think that you are indeed imagining yourself. So, try thinking about something else. Here, let me put this song in your head..
“Who put the bomp
Why are Liberals so closed-minded?
They have to be. If they opened their minds, what little they have would come plopping out.
Of course there is, we have plenty of ti…
Just kidding. Of course there is.
I have fantasies of flying large, liquefied deviled ham laden, spray equipped aircraft over Muslim infested areas, and pulling the trigger (as it were) whilst flying perfectly parallel patterns of pork product defilement.
Only if you were to fly in little heart patterns. THAT would be weird.
I believe that your fantasies are healthy and normal. However, you might start to worry if in your dreams, your flight attendant is Al Franken in short shorts.
I'm planning on buying a revolver for fun. I'm deciding between a Colt and a Smith & Wesson. Here's the problem: Colts are by far the best, but they run up in the thousands of dollars, while S&W is comparatively weak, but only costs a couple of hundred dollars. So, quality, or quantity?
You gave out my home address? The Warren commission never found me and now...man.
Relax, I gave out a fake address. It’s not your real home address of 145 Stoneybrook Way. Stop being so insecure. Speaking of security the gate code is #1452*
How can I protect myself from obsessed union auto manufacturers?
The good part about being threatened by union workers is that they'd probably do a substandard job. Whenever they threaten you, tell them it’s time for their break.
You should start to worry if the union decides to outsource their intimidation.
Did you get your doctorate from Sally Struthers like I did?
Yes, my lunch too.
In Chicago hot dogs and hot dog buns now come in equal packages. There was a huge press release a few months ago, with tons of free hot dogs given out at Daley Plaza.
You’re right. You got us good. There’s nothing I enjoy more on warm December day than sitting on my back porch in my shorts and grillin’ a hot dog. What are YOUR winters like again?
I have been listening to the Grammaphone Recordings of IMAO on my Difference Engine, and I must say they are stellar. What can we, as good citizens, do to make sure that every man, woman, and child in the world is given access to these recordings whether they want them or not?
If a bird is flying west at 24mph and I am driving east at 76mph and we collide, who will suffer the most injury?
YOU of course because you’re driving east. What’s up with that? I’ve seen the east. There’s nothing there but hurricanes and tornados. The bird was going west. It was smart – until it hit your car of course.
I recently used my S&W .357 Magnum for fun. How do I get blood out of the carpet?
It’s a tricky operation. I suggest you call for help on that one. Write down this phone number – 9-1-1. Tell them everything you did and they’ll send someone ‘to help’.
Good for you. Travels to Afghanistan are good for the economy. However, I need to make sure you are guided in the right direction. If you’re goal is to knock off OBL, I believe your best weapon would be a room service uniform.
Plug him one for me. This will not only make me feel a part of the process, it will become part of your insanity defense. “This one’s for the duck. The duck told me. I knew the duck was right.”
I'll cross reference my codes, but I believe it means that you're gay. Sorry to tell you. Try rebooting. If that doesn't work, try rebooting with a 3 inch stilleto heel.
How come all the Random Quotes are from over 2 years ago? Have there been no good quotes since May 2003?
Great question. The reality is that all of this is a figment of your imagination. The quotes are just one of the many clues. It’s a like a surprise ending. Okay? Bye now.
Hmmm. I can’t seem to get this hall closet door open, almost as if there was some table there now that I can’t see.
Summer is finally upon us (in Seattle), which means one thing: baseball! Can you recommend a good baseball bat for beating hippies?
Posted by tomsmith at July 8, 2005 04:40 PM
Summer time in Seattle is a special time of year. Specifically, it’s 7 days a year. But still it's very special.
This brings up the age old argument – wood or aluminum? But you know what, Tom? It’s not about the bat. It’s about technique. Don’t be shy about choking up on the bat. And remember – Follow through, follow through, follow through!!
A legal question. Is it still considered stalking if I confine my activities to daylight hours?
You know what you call somebody who stalks in the daylight? A beginner!
Come on, what’s up with that? If you’re going to stalk, go out and get yourself a nice little black outfit. Not only does it conceal you at night – It’s also quite slimming.
Okay. That's all.
Enjoy your weekend.
Dr. Duck Answers, Part 1
My. my. the masses are yearning for answers.
Thank you for trusting Dr. Duck with all of your private emotional questions. I have answered the first 21 questions and might post later if you guys keep asking.
DR. Duck Answers!!!!
Posted by AJ
FIRST!! China is to Communism what Taco Bell is to fine dining. It’s there but in name only. I say, let her go and have her Chinese Government Mandated fun. When she comes back THEN screen her for Communism. If so, dump her.
But act carefully. Are you SURE she’s a communist? Maybe she simply turned Democrat. There’s a way to tell. Communists are better fundraisers and have deeper religious beliefs.
What is the yellow and white stuff in bird poop?
Typical rockstar question. After much taste testing, I have concluded that is mustard and mayo. At least I hope it’s mayo. It could be a mind-altering substance as I’m pretty sure I’m turning into a walrus.
Why don't hippies bathe like you and I?
It gives riot police an excuse to use hoses. Plus when they beat them, the flying dust tells them if they've missed a spot.
Who built Mr. and Mrs. Howell's house on Gilligan's Island? Where did they get all the cool household stuff?
Well, it was made of straw – so my guess it was either the first or second little pig?
Was George Galloway abused as a child, and all his shenanigans now-a-days (such as his speech yesterday and his oil-for-food involvement) are a result of Post-Traumatic-Stress-Disorder or something like that?
I don’t know, Ben. But on the other hand, the corner of his mouth always seems to have white bird poop.
My stylish new sunglasses have been missing for ever a week, should I keep looking for the only glimmer of coolness I've ever known OR call off the search, give up hope and go back to wearing my old Ray-ban Aviators from 1986 which my wife says make me look dorky?
I say go back to protecting our eyes. That’s what really matters. By the way, do you like my new sunglasses? I found them a week ago.
Who was the second gunman?
Well, I normally don’t share Top Secret information – but, hey – it’s Friday. The name of the second shooter is: S. Monkey of 123 Haverly Lane, Littletown Alabama.
Why do hot dogs come in packages of 8 and hot dog buns come in packages of 12?
Dave, I feel your pain. The problem is that you don’t buy in the proper quantities. If you were to buy – uh. Er. Hold on. 8 x 12. If you were to eat 96 hot dogs, there would be no problem. I’m sure the numbers match at some other point, but I’m a fake psychiatrist not a fake mathematician.
As for the helmet thing - well that's what happens when your father AND mother come say goodbye to you.
Father: I'm proud of you son. Kill em good!
Should I get a haircut this weekend or wait another week?
Try an installment plan. Get one hair cut today, another tomorrow, another…
Posted by chrth
I don’t know why, research patient # 143203-chrth. I really don’t. BTW, how are you feeling today? Be honest. And descriptive.
Is the sheep suicide a protest against the attacks in London or continued American occupation in Iraq?
Posted by chrth at July 8, 2005 10:11 AM
The sheep suicide was very sad. As you know, these sheep jumped off a cliff one by one, each one lining up to be next. The small town looked up and watched as each sheep jumped off. They would have done something, but after the 3rd one – most of them had fallen asleep. HAHAHAHAHAHA
If you get a side salad without an entree, can it truly be a side salad? There's nothing for it to be alongside, right?
Laurence, you have hit on one of the truest philosophical questions around. What does it mean – TRULY mean to order a Side salad?
It means you’re gay.
How many British does it take to change a lightbulb?
British. Three– one to change the bulb, and George Galloway there to blame Bush for the horrible mess of the lightbulb. Plus one to book George on a speaking tour of the United States.
French. 7– unless the light bulb changers go on strike. Then they have to figure out a subsidy program AND a way to insult the British and their food.
Nadine, are you flirting with me?
Why does Helen Thomas have both a woman's and a man's name? Is she bisexual? Does she remind you of a rhinoceros?
Jim, to be completely honest with you – she’s always reminded me of a bisexual Rhinoceros. I always wondered why her forehead had a strap-on horn.
Did you go to the same school as Dr. Phat Tony?
Posted by jimmyb at July 8, 2005 10:35 AM
Hey!!! Are you calling, Dr. Phat Tony a dirty, hippie communist? Maybe you’re obsessed with Phat Tony, huh? Have you ever ordered a single serving of side salad?
How much wood could a woodchuck chuck,
Wow. So many questions.
First off. On the woodchuck chucking. Are we talking about a union woodchuck? It really matters.
San Jose is easy to find. If you visit your local schoolyard, look for the 2nd graders marching side by side with their arms around each other. They’ll be saying something like, “hey, hey, get out of my way. I’m on my way to San Jose.” When they say that – look in that direction. That’s the way!!!
Ann Coulter: I know, it’s every guy’s fantasy to see Ann Coulter in a Girl Scotus uniform – but I say the chances of that are slim. You’ll have to content yourself, with pictures of her in leather. BTW, I feel the need to warn you that “contenting yourself” is a sin.
That’s a great question. Most people prefer to set them on fire- personally, I find it’s not as much fun once they’re dead. I say, just stick a tin cup in his hand and roll him into the street. After a while, somebody will figure out what’s wrong. The city will scoop him up, and probably take his loose change as reimbursement.
I have to present a project to my boss's boss later today, and I fear it will be boring. What can I do to make it more exciting?
I’m glad you asked me that. I’ve been fired from many a job, mostly because of my inability to focus on any one thing for more than five seconds. I can tell you with all confidence that blowing this chance will probably ruin your career.
Anyway, try setting him on fire, if not, just roll him into the street and the city will scoop him up.
A city close to my hometown is infested with hippies, and they're starting to migrate south towards my home.
Visit my friend at 123 Haverly Lane, Littletown Alabama. Apartment A. The first unit on the left. Knock once. Wait. Then knock again. When he answers, compliment him on his dorky sunglasses.
There's a girl that I really, really like yet she never pays me the time of day.
Posted by Evil Dan
That’s the problem!! Maybe you should thing about paying HER!! Oh, wait. Are you the Evil Dan from Nevada? I get you guys confused. I don’t know – I’m just a Walrus.
Posted by Chico
Why a duck? In case she a throw a something atta you!! HAHAHAHa
Keep those questions coming!
Ask Dr. Duck
Happy Friday, Ladies and Gentlement!!
It's time for that special time - that wonderful time - that time when I, Dr. RightWingDuck, Professor Demeritus from Sue Doe's School of Psychiatry & Grill, answer the questions that are on your mind.
The doctor is in. Do you have questions about life? Relationships? Family? Work?
I can help*
Leave question in comments. Answers should be up by 12:00 PST.
*Disclaimer. Help is neither possible nor probable. All questions and answers become part of the IMAO help forum - your soul too. If the answer doesn't satisfy you, please consult a magic 8 ball. Dr. Duck is a certified hot dog vendor in Los Angeles with expired licenses in over 12 cities. All names wil stay the same to shame those with really silly problems. Pictures availabe later. Don't drink and drive. Buckle up for safety.
July 07, 2005
London Muslims Say: Bombing=Blair conspiracy
Charmaine Yoest in London via PowerLine says the many of the Londoners she has interviewed just hours after the terrorist attack on their subway system think the bombings are Tony Blair's fault:
"I interviewed three very ordinary, normal teenaged English Muslims... All three seem to be parroting Muslim talking points: 'The bombings were a conspiracy by Blair to generate support for the war,' they recited in a charming British accent... A young British black woman told me, 'The bombings are Tony Blair's fault - they killed a 100 thousand Iraqis - and it's like a boomerang [coming back at the British].' Most everyone [in London] I talked to believed that the British caused the bombing or had it coming. Of the dozen or so people I interviewed only white males in business attire expressed surprise that anyone would think the British were at fault. But these gentlemen were the minority. Most felt that the Brits were complicit."
Yes, the dumbass Left still parrots the utterly ridiculous "100 thousand Iraqis" killed statistic posted by a British medical journal almost two years ago.
GlobalSecurity, a defense analysis firm based in Alexandria, VA, completely discredited the phony 100,000 Iraqi civilian casualty number as early as Fall 2003:
"The study was published in the October 29, 2004, online edition of The Lancet. 'We estimate that there were 98000 extra deaths (95% CI 8000 - 194000) during the post-war period…' from March 2003 through September 2004. CI refers to confidence interval.
But they did not find 98,000 additional deaths, but a range from 8,000 to 194,000 -- a range is so broad as to be nearly meaningless. And of the 61 actual violent deaths attributed to Coalition forces, three were blamed on ground forces, while 58 deaths were attributed to 'helicopter gunships, rockets, or other forms of aerial weaponry' (p. 7). This might suggest that the air war had been infinitely more intense than previously believed, which is difficult to believe. For the 'about 100,000 killed' to be correct, almost all of these deaths would have been women and children killed by American air power, at a rate of nearly 200 a day. At least some of these deaths may have been due to the insurgency, since at least some Iraqis interpret insurgent car bombs as American cruise missile attacks.
These numbers would suggest that the US is fighting two wars: a well-publicized ground campaign in which US ground forces have killed over 5,000 enemy combatants this year [at an average rate of maybe 20 per day], and an invisible air campaign in which American helicopters are killing nearly 200 women and children every day. This is difficult to believe."
If the "reality-based" community ever took some frickin' remedial math courses rather than waiting to hear the numbers some intern at NPR came up with for Morning Edition, they would've realized that killing 100,000 people is the equivalent of killing every man, woman, and child in the city of Green Bay, WI. Ask a muckadoo the question: "How could Coalition Forces hide that fact from dozens of embedded reporters from diverse news agencies in 20+ nations?"
ANSWER: A conspiracy by Tony Blair in the spirit of the cunning plans often made by his fellow nefarious Englishman, Edmund Blackadder.
If I was Karl Rove, I'd be really angry that Tony Blair has stolen all of my conspiracy thunder over in Europe...
Time to Have a Pint
I tell you what, if this is an "Islamic" terrorist attack, they're doing a piss-poor job. The pubs are all packed out, people sipping their pints happily, all a tad pissed off, but basically fine with it. Nice one, Al Quaeda - you profess to be from a teetotal religion, and you've given the pub trade a massive mid-week boost.
Hat tip: Andrew Sullivan who has a lot on British reactions.
That'll Kill, Pig; That'll Kill
So, we're dealing with people with retarded religious beliefs who think they'll be rewarded for killing themselves while murdering others. Why aren't we using those retarded religious beliefs against them? Is it because we're afraid of offending other Muslims? But shouldn't other Muslims not care what we do to terrorists since terrorists aren't practicing real Islam anyway?
Of course, I'm talking about the whole pig thing. Grease guns and bullets with pig fat, feed the corpses of dead terrorists to pigs... that sort of thing. And I ask, what effect do you think this would have? Would it cause more actions out of anger (I don't care about anger itself unless it leads to actions), or would it actually scare Islamists from dealing with us because, by their wiener beliefs, they'll not reach they're wacky orgy or raisin filled paradise? I mean this as a serious question; what would be the reaction?
And here is a hypothetical because I don't see this one even remotely politically possible: What happens if we bomb Mecca? Just mess it up a little with threats to completely obliterate it later? Would that scare terrorists to stop? I don't really understand how essential Mecca is to Islam; I know that you can't blow up anything that would effect Christians in the same way. As long as we have our scripture, we're good.
If the terrorists really think we’re as bad as they say, wouldn’t we have bombed all the Middle East ages ago? Should we make that point to them publicly? “If we wanted to wipe out all the Middle East, it would be a simple things and there’s nothing you wackos could do to stop us. But we don’t wipe it out since we’re nice people.”
Couple of thoughts (trying to think outside the box). If the first idea was judged to be useful, do you think it would be possible to get support for it in this PC world?
UPDATE: What I wrote are probably making a lot of people think of this.
Baby Torres Update
Sorry to keep being so serious, but I thought I'd share this update on the Torreses:
As of this morning, both mom and baby are doing well. Susan is still holding on and the baby continues to grow and move around a great deal.
Sgt. Joe Foo' the Marine in "Quit Mortaring Me, I'm Trying to Sleep!"
As I said, I got a call from my brother this morning. He heard of the attacks in London over lunch but didn't know the extent of them until I told him.
Foo' is having a good time over there and making good use of his self-taught Arabic. He has a lot of free time, though, and has watched all the episodes of Firefly over and over.
Recently, a building he was in was targeted by insurgents, with mortars hitting all around him. He said he just put on his helmet and went back to bed. I guess there's no reason to get riled up every time someone is trying to kill you.
He says a lot of the insurgents are Sunnis, but those doing the suicide bombs to kill Iraqis are foreigners. A lot of attacks aren't motivated by ideology, either. Fallujah is messed up pretty bad, and a lot of people will do anything for money, including setting bombs or taking some shots at troops.
From talking to Iraqis and those training Iraqis, Foo' thinks we'll be in Iraq for a number of more years.
Anyway, keep Sgt. Joe foo' USMC in your prayers.
Another Brit's Perspective
When newsmaking things happen in London like they have today, I invariably go to a couple of level headed, gun-owning Briton's to get the what's what. The Englishman at an Englishman's Castle has no related post yet (I hope he's ok).
But Mr Free Market at Free Market Fairy Tales addresses the spineless murdering scumbags with defiant, determined, and admirable prose. A piece of it here.
We will fight you on the streets of Basra and if you decide to come to London, we will fight you there.The rest of it here.
Update: Added Union Jack plus good news, the Englishman is ok.
No Carnival Of Comedy Today
Plus with all the hurricaine prep/chaos going on here in Coastal Alabama RE: Huricain Dennis, there'll probably be no Carnival for several days.
If all else fails there'll be a double Carnival next week. So save your laughs for later.
London Tube Bombing: Who Did It?
I wake up to news of coordinated terrorist bombings in the very London subway system I have used in the recent past. Like Frank said, terrorism should piss us off rather than scare us and I am pissed off for sure.
In spite of the fact that terrorists are usually male Arab Muslims between the ages of 18-45, the press conference in London has been careful not to implicate any group, even the most obvious--Al Qaeda. There is no shortage of hateful whackjob Muslims in London who are abusing the United Kingdom's very liberal freedom of speech laws and who admire Al Qaeda and advocate the destruction of the very society that allows them to speak such madness.
If Al-Qaeda is behind the London subway bombings, I doubt that England will roll over like the Spainards did on 3/11. God save the Queen and up the irons, England!
It will be interesting to see what tomorrow brings. Will the idiot anti-free market communists protesting in Scotland take to the streets to protest Al-Qaeda tomorrow or will they claim "the West had it coming"?
Ooooooh, if that happens I say it's open season on hippie protestors everywhere.
The World Today
I was going to write a bit earlier, but I finally got a call from my brother, Sgt. Joe foo' the Marine, in Iraq (hadn't heard from him in a while). More on that later in another post.
In light of the attacks in London (good round up of links and links to links from Glenn Reynolds with plenty more from Michelle Malkin) I'm not going to do a humor post today ("But if we don't hear about Chomps attacking people in his confirmation hearing, the terrorists have already won!" some cry). Instead, I'd really like to get a discussion going in the comments section as much of this I'm still processing and trying to put together.
First off, my condolences to my UK readers. What I was stunned by is how well the British are handling this; the scenes I saw on TV made it look like this was almost routine (I know London has dealt with terrorism before, but not of this magnitude). There wasn't mass panic, and that show of strength means so much in times like this. The purpose of terrorism is terror, and, in some ways, it seems the terrorists have already been thwarted.
I also would like to reiterate what Tony Blair said about an attack on any of our allies is an attack on us all. Not that I wish us bad, but I really hate it how it's not big bad America getting attacked, but instead it's our allies. But the proper mindset is that we got attacked today, and that “we” includes anyone reading this, whatever country you live in. I don't even care if somehow this ends up not to be Al Qaeda; all the civilized world needs to stand up against all such attacks - wherever they occur.
When Blair spoke from G8, there was Bush at his right and Chirac at his left. I know there's a lot of disrespect for Chirac and much of the French in general, but France still remains a prime target for terrorists. Despite the jokes on this site, I hope our mindset is that if those Al Qaeda bastards harm but one @#$% hair of a Frenchman in Paris, we'll treat it like the Capitol itself was bombed. All of us are in this together.
And I believe that to be the key; attacks like this should not scare us, they should only piss us off.
Except its hard not to be a little scared. This is our world now. We (and when I say 'we,' I mean all nations) can be attacked at home at any time. We don't know who is next, but we know there will be a next. One day that next will be the U.S. again. The Sword of Damocles has been hanging over America since 9/11, and the thread will break eventually. So what do we do? My brother is currently helping settle Iraq; others are in Afghanistan. For the rest of us, all I know is to keep resolved and keep going strong no matter what. The road to defeating terrorists is a long one - maybe there is no end - and the best I think we can do is continue to increase our determination in the face of these attacks and whatever else comes.
They can hurt us, but they're losing. Let's keep them losing.
Any more thoughts? I really just want to discuss this with you all right now. Events like this always make you want to do something.
God bless and care for you, London; this attack is being answered as we speak.
July 06, 2005
The Only Safe Way Out of Iraq
Democrats have been howling with increasing ferver recently that Bush has no exit strategy for Iraq.
Which, frankly, puzzled me.
I couldn't believe that Bush hadn't planned on giving us a way out of Iraq. I mean, it's not like America's a bunch of idiot Frenchmen (sorry for the redundancy) who would go plunging into a war without some idea of how to get the troops home again.
So I consulted with my favorite military expert, Matt of Blackfive, who calmly assured me that Bush does, indeed, have an exit strategy for Iraq, which he explains succinctly in the extended entry:
A muckadoo is a confusing animal, and I, being the helpful sort, have written a guide to this shrill, smelly creature.
THE MUCKADOO FAQ
Q. What is a muckadoo?
Q. Are muckadoos human?
Q. Can muckadoos be dangerous?
Q. Can I hunt muckadoos?
Q. Where can muckadoos be found?
Q. These muckadoos are all saying the same things. Are they really different muckadoos, or one posting under multiple names?
Q. I see a large gathering of muckadoos yelling and waving signs. What is this?
Q. What are they protesting?
Q. Is there anything I can do?
Q. That just made them louder.
Q. A muckadoo has called me a "chickenhawk." What does that mean?
Q. Is it a trap?
Q. I just beat up the muckadoo. It was very fulfilling.
Q. I noticed the muckadoo has a strong, foul smell. Is this usual?
Q. I sprayed the muckadoo with a hose, and he called me a "fascist." What does that mean?
Q. Should we ever be concerned with the actions of muckadoos?
Lock Yer Doors and Load Yer Shotguns...
Martha Stewart can get out her ankle bracelet.
BTW, any of you out there in IMAO land feel strongly about the Martha Stewart conviction? I never really cared, but I guess I leaned towards why in the world was so much effort put on getting her in jail for... whatever it is she did? Shoulda spent that extra cash on putting away Michael Jackson.
Blogger of the Day
When I wrote my response to Kos's infantile satire, I didn't know he was responding to Iowahawk's piece "Stop Questioning My Patriotism" by Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi. The DailyKos linked to it and his followers started shrieking like monkeys with their tails on fire. Iowahawk then comes back with an even more pointed satire "Stop Comparing Me to American Moonbats" by Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi.
(hat tip to Little Green Footballs for all the context)
For personally getting Markos "Screw 'em" Zuniga's panties in a bunch, Iowahawk wins the coveted "Blogger of the Day" award.
BTW, Gullyborg won the "Tool of the Day" award from some muckadoo blogger. Check it out.
Take That Tempel 1!
Now we've shown the comets of our solar system that humans or at the very least American-humans mean business. We know and we have shown that we know what it takes when it comes to being able to hit them right smack where they live or, orbit.
With such a show of force out there for all the trouble makers in our celestial neighborhood to see, I truly doubt we see any more trouble out of their dirty snowballish kind for a good long while.
I mean sure, we've not been hit by a comet in recorded history. But still.
Wham! And you just know that comet was aching all day.
We totally kicked that comet's ice. I mean we tore it a new a brand new ice hole, literally.
To the comets I say,
July 05, 2005
Links of the Day
Carnival of the Recipes last week was hosted by my blogdaughter Kris of Anywhere but Here. go check it out! i've been remiss in linking those lately, so make sure you stop by Beth's and jump the links to the recent carnivals.
and last week's Carnival of Cordite was hosted at RWVA, so go see the gunpowder over there.
IMAO Podcast: Thanks to the fans!
Thank you to all of the IMAO Fans who commented on our latest patriotic podcast. We are very proud of this podcast and want to get the word out about the IMAO Podcast to as many people as possible. When I called him on his mobile phone over the weekend, Frank J. told me he had a "Manifest Density" (I don't know what that meant; must be some kinda engineering term) to rule the "Podcast-o-sphere" just before I heard a lot of yelling and splashing...
...So we need the help of you, the IMAO fans, to fulfill Frank J's Manifest Density for IMAO to rule the Podcast-o-sphere.
To that end, I want the fans to start sending out links to the new http://www.imaopodcast.com website in their e-mails to friends, family, radio show hosts (because everyone knows Frank J. ain't gonna mention the IMAO Podcast when he's on the radio in front of 60 million listeners), and anyone else. If someone tells you: "oh, can't listen to a podcast because I don't have an iPod," e-mail them a direct link to our latest IMAO Podcast MP3 and let them know podcasting isn't just for iPods.
Because the IMAO Fans are working to spread the word on the IMAO Podcast, I am working on ways to reward our fans with more free stuff. For example, maybe we'll have MP3 player giveaways when the fans make us #1 on Podcast Alley or find creative ways to get Frank and I interviewed on the Fox News Channel (I need to be there to make sure at least one of us says "IMAOPodcast dot com" on the air before the end of the interview).
Thanks again and spread the word, IMAO Fans!
In My World: Supreme Anger
"Man, now I got to pick a new Supreme Court Justice ‘cause that stupid broad had to retire," President Bush moped, "That sounds hard."
"When you're President, sometimes you have to do things that are hard," Laura told him.
"So, let me get this straight: The Supreme Court is just like a regular court but with sour cream and diced tomatoes?"
Laura sighed. "You're thinking of a taco supreme, dear."
"So the Court Supreme is completely different?"
"Yes, the Supreme Court is completely different."
"Well, I guess I should stick to what I said and appoint someone just like Antonin Scalia," Bush declared.
"But the only place you'd find someone that rabidly conservative is an insane asylum."
"Aw, I don't want to go there." Bush looked to Laura with a smile. "Want to be a Supreme Court Justice?"
"No, I'm busy enough cleaning up your messes here at the White House," Laura answered, "Now why don't you try and find someone from your staff."
* * * *
Bush found Alberto Gonzales checking more things off as "not torture." "You want to be a Supreme Court Justice?" Bush asked him.
"I think the conservative base doesn't like me," Alberto said, and then flicked out his switchblade. "I think I'll cut them!"
"Why wouldn't they like you?" Bush asked, "What is your position on unborn children?"
Alberto swung his blade around. "I cut them!"
"I can see how that won't play well with the base."
"Then I cut you!"
"Aieee!" Bush screamed as Alberto chased him.
* * * *
"Hey, Rummy, would you..."
Donald Rumsfeld pulled out a .45 and started firing at Bush, who ducked behind the wall and crawled along the ground as bullets ripped through the drywall.
"I guess I'll talk to you when you're less busy!"
* * * *
"Aw, my staff is violent and mean," Bush groaned to Laura.
"You were the one who hired them," Laura said.
"A lot of them Cheney made me hire, or he said he'd hit me."
"You shouldn't let Cheney hit you." Laura tried to pull a comforter away from Chomps who then ripped it apart. "That was from the Lincoln bedroom!" Laura yelled, "You have to find a way to keep Rumsfeld's rottweiler out of here!"
* * * *
"I would like to unveil my new Supreme Court Justice nominee," Bush told the press.
"It looks like you just threw a blanket over a dog... and it's making him angry," said a reporter.
"Very angry," added another reporter.
Bush looked at the form barking and snapping its jaws under the blanket. "Come to think of it, I don't want to unveil him while I'm still in sight."
Chomps tore a hole through the blanket and looked at all around him with fury.
"Nomination hearings start soon!" Bush yelled as he ran as fast as he could.
TO BE CONTINUED...
They're Just Like Terrorists... Except for the Murdering
Can you have a whole website visited by tens of thousands a day and still be nothing but a troll? Kos tries his best, especially with his new post saying how Liberals are great but the fictional American Taliban is just like the terrorists (hat tip to Bryon York). I propose that liberals are just like terrorists (but wussier) as shown by my list.
COMPARISON OF TERRORISTS TO LIBERALS TO RELIGIOUS CONSERVATIVES
HOW TO HANDLE TERRORISTS
Weekends Are Fun! Yay!
Guess who's back?
Me! The Great Frank J.!
Hope everyone had a great weekend; here's some pictures from mine with the lovely and talented SarahK (and if you haven't heard her sing two different stanzas from the Star-Spangled Banner, then you're "sick in the head," as a little girl would say). I thought I should finally mention some cool stuff I got in the mail since I made a P.O. Box available.
The first was sent to me from EightFootLlama - a board game called monkeys on the moon. With it I was sent a little stuffed monkey with velcro hands. I put it around my dumb cat Sydeny's neck… which made her mad. She's been savagely attacking the monkey since.
It's the first time I've ever been proud of her.
The rules of the game are that you're trying to send the best and brightest monkey off the moon and back to earth, but I think I'd pretend it's the other way, where you exile the smartest monkeys to the moon so they don't take over ala Planet of the Apes. Thought I’ve read the instructions and it looks fun, I haven't gotten a chance to play the game yet, but will soon since SarahK loves board games.
SarahK and I also got the book(s) Knowing Me, Knowing You: A Multiple-Choice Quiz for Engaged Couples, though I don't know who sent it. It's pretty neat, and helps us learn about each other (and see how much we already know). It ends up SarahK is a sex fiend. Good to know.
Thanks to whomever sent that.
To all else, funny coming soon.
July 04, 2005
NYC teen murdered for his iPod
According to New York Newsday, two teenage thugs in Brooklyn murdered Christopher Rose (15) by stabbing him in the chest when he wouldn't hand over his iPod to Samuel Darran (16) and Daryl Stephen (17) on Saturday.
Newsday notes that "Police also have reported a wave of iPod robberies... It's believed that most robbers kept the devices, which can retail for about $100 to $500, for personal use rather than selling them. "
I know this is no consolation to the Rose Family (I'm very sorry about your son), but I've got a solution to the problem of iPod theft: exploding iPods.
Apple was sued by the Pod People a few months ago when their overpriced iPods crapped out after a few weeks of use. Apple didn't admit to wrongdoing in the obviously faulty non-removeable batteries in the iPod, but once the lawyers were knocking on their doors, Apple offered to replace the failed iPods.
If Apple replaced the failed batteries with a small explosive device akin to the M-80 firecracker so many of us will be exploding on this Independence Day, the victim of iPod theft could hand over their iPod, wait until the thief starts to run away, and then remotely explode his iPod.
From then on, potential iPod thieves will constant be wondering: "Does this guy have the exploding iPod? Do I take the chance of stealing this iPod and have it blow a hole in my lazy ass when I put it in my pocket?"
I doubt Apple will do it (even though the technology to implement such a device would be highly advanced) and the State of New York would probably consider it a firearm and ban it...
I wonder if the NYC City Council will consider banning knives in light of the tragic death of Christopher Rose at the hands of iPod thieves? Or will they ban iPods?
July 01, 2005
Evil Glenn's Independence Day Celebration
I was strolling through the park recently when I came across a familiar socks-and-sandals-clad figure doing... something... Curious, I inquired...
Harv: Hey Glenn, whatcha doin'
Evil Glenn: GAH! Don't sneak up on me like that. Don't you ever knock?
Harv: Ok [KNOCK!]
Evil Glenn: Ow! My head!
Harv: Happy now?
Evil Glenn [rubbing rapidly swelling knot on his forehead]: It's a start. Anyway, if you MUST know, I'm setting up my Independence Day fireworks celebration by wiring bricks of C-4 to this helpless family of adorable fuzzy little bunny rabbits.
Harv: That's evil!
Evil Glenn: Lawyer.
Harv: Yeah, but this is beyond lawyer evil. It's practically French.
Evil Glenn: Well, I was turned down for that gig because I blend puppies.
Harv: Ah, I see, you were too evil.
Evil Glenn: Not evil enough. Jacques Verges uses an industrial paper shredder.
Harv: No wonder he's defending Saddam. Anyway, I'm going to have to stop you from harming those cute little animals
Evil Glenn: It's ok, I'm making them wear eye protection. The won't be harmed, just exploded.
Harv: Well, as long as you're taking precautions, I guess it's ok. Have fun.
Too bad Glenn's a little fuzzy on the concept of "minimum safe distance", because, when I heard the explosion, I turned around and took a picture. This is what I saw:
(see extended entry for exciting conclusion).
(click to enlarge)
Hope those bunnies are ok.
If you have been following this blog the last few days, you know that we have run a little bit asunder of the Church of Scientology. Well, I've done a lot of soul searching about that and have had a change of heart. I realize now that my soul was poisoned by the spirits of thousands of Thetans who were brought to this planet 75 million years ago in DC8s, placed on volcanos in the South Pacific, and killed with hydrogen bombs by the evil extraterrestrial tyrant Xenu. I've undergone some emergency remedial auditing and clay tabling (at the bargain basement price of $17,800.00) and am proud to say that I now heartily endorse the Church of Scientology. I encourage all of you to beg, borrow or steal all the cash you can get your hands on and head down to the nearest Scientology Center so that you too can undergo this wonderous transformation. On a related note, this blog will become a private, invitation only blog after this weekend. My auditor told me that I can no longer speak to friends, family members or anyone else who hasn't purchased their way sufficiently across the Bridge of consciousness, so adios all you non-believers. I'm deleting all my e-mail addresses and changing my phone numbers. I will be glad to speak to you, however, at any officially sanctioned Scientology event. Death to Xenu, and live long and prosper!
We Got Tattled On
I don't like to irk fans of my site, but I thought I'd share this (since who wrote it was nice enough to share it to me). This is a report I assume filed to this site.
(NOTE: The link doesn't point to the article anymore because I didn't like it in that category.)
Here are the reasons for report filings including:
* Any misrepresentation of Dianetics or Scientology.
I don't think this post violates any of that.
Roll Up Your Sleeves, It's Time to Save Africa
Last Thursday was a rainy day at Epcot in Disneyworld. At 4pm, I sat on a bench outside of Canada and joined in another conference call with bloggers about Live 8, this time with Mike McCurry (as Reagan is the first President I was conscious of, so is McCurry the first White House Press Secretary) and Mark McKinnon, chief media advisor to Dubya during the 2000 and 2004 campaigns. Also in attendance was David Sifry of Technorati.com (who set up a special Live 8 Technorati page), and Joe Trippi hosted once more. George Clooney tried to be a part of the call, but had a scheduling conflict. Thus, I did not make him answer for his crime against humanity that was Batman and Robin.
This was a shorter conference that the first, and I got in one question (and had another but it ended for I got it out). If you've seen the ads about One.org, you know that there is no fundraising involved with Live 8, it's all about getting people on board to build political influence. My question (more of an observation, really) was that I lacked a good place to point my readers to that describes in simple terms what is the plan to help Africa emerge from poverty. Hearing Bob Geldof himself speak about it, it seemed like there really are things that can be done - which involved political and economic reforms in Africa. I'm at a loss to repeat that plan to you and am simply not as well educated on Africa, and my big point is that right-wingers are going to be extremely skeptical about anything involving rock stars and need to hear about things like making free trade work in Africa.
My other question that I didn't get to ask (again, more of an observation) is that getting the blogosphere to all talk about this is not a simple thing. Sure, we've had influence in the past, but that was because issues sprung up we cared about (like the Rathergate scandal). There was no concerted effort to influence people; we just all spoke our voice. Here, no one is talking much about poverty in Africa, and thus we have to first break static friction to get a conversation rolling. To me, that seems like something that would require a coordinated effort, but I've seen little organization so far about this in the blogosphere (last e-mail I got was to tell me when the next conference call was). Actually, if some conservative bloggers wrote about this second conference call, I missed it.
Still, I'm hopeful there is something to this Live 8 effort. After all the criticism America gets in the world these days, it's nice to hear Europeans like Bob Geldof and Bono (who was recently on Meet the Press) talk about how great and generous Americans are and how much good the Bush administration has already done in Africa. Despite the rock stars, there seems to be some pragmatism behind this. Not sure what I can do, but had to get this off my chest.
Be honorable, ronin.
Issue 26 - That's Not Aquaman!
Am I the only one who's tired of hearing about the podcast? It's like all the other IMAO bloggers talk about, but some of just don't care, okay?
And I'm not just saying that because they've rejected all the bits I've sent them so far.
Anyway, I know most of you are thinking we should shut up about the podcast and get back to the true business of IMAO - HAWKING MY COMIC BOOK!
Today I'm going to talk about issue number 26 (the March '05 issue) in the current series. In it, strange things are happening in Sub Diego, and only that idiot Geist seems to notice. The most obvious is the man claiming to be Aquaman lacks my Aryan blond hair. Plus, if I told you the oppression this imposter used to keep control and didn't say that it was from a comic describing Sub Diego, you would most certainly believe this must have been done by Nazis, Soviets in their gulags or some mad regime - Pol Pot or others - that had no concern for human beings... though everything being underwater and the giant crustaceans might have tipped you off otherwise.
On the good new, Aquagirl (Lorena), though now evil, has a cool new costume!
Bad news, I'm not like in this issue at all... but just wait for the second part of this two-parter!
Let's check out a page from this exciting episode:
Notice the detail on that kid's head before it gets blown off - these are A-list artists.
Better go buy this issue now to see it all. Back issues of Aquaman, Volume 4, are on sale, crazy enough.
I'll be back soon to talk about issue number 27 - the issue that concludes this craziness.
This is Aquaman, signing off.
While you're voting (or revoting if you voted last month since you are lucky good fan) to make the IMAO podcast number 1 this month (super-special patriotic episode comes out Monday, Independence Day, BTW), you only have hours left to e-mail your comments and questions to podcast [ at ] imao.us in a chance to win a t-shirt. It's like Frank Answers™ - except I talk!
UPDATE: We're number 2! Let's go for number one! It's a new month, so everyone vote!
BTW, voting starts over each month and as it stands we are only 5 votes out of first place!!!
I'm sure you know where to go and what to do.
Will you be first to be second? Or first to be 116th? I'm dying to find out!!
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