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May 31, 2006
I Wonder If There Will Still Be Internets in the Future
Tomorrow Jim Baen's Universe, the new science fiction e-zine, premiers. They have a pretty big lineup of authors - and hopefully I'll be among them soon (one editor liked my short story, but I'm waiting on the main editor to give his verdict; if it doesn't work out, then I shall try again with a new story - actually, I'll write a new story either way). I was just going to plug them for the heck of it, but then I found out it has an affiliate program, so you can click on the link below, check it out (there's a flash animated cover), and, if you subscribe (which comes with free stuff), I get some money.
So, click the link below and have a look-see; we'll still be here.
Help Save Science Fiction at Jim Baen's Universe!
Grudgingly Admitting That the French Aren't Completely Useless
Driving through Paris at speeds up to 140 mph, blowing red lights, narrowly missing cars, pedestrians, and pigeons.
A 9-minute video thrill ride that I thought you guys might like.
[Hat tip: Snooze Button Dreams]
(Full background story in the extended entry)
On an August morning in 1978, French filmmaker Claude Lelouch mounted a gyro-stabilized camera to the bumper of a Ferrari 275 GTB and had a friend, a professional Formula 1 racer, drive at breakneck speed through the heart of Paris. The film was limited for technical reasons to 10 minutes; the course was from Porte Dauphine, through the Louvre, to the Basilica of Sacre Coeur.
No streets were closed, for Lelouch was unable to obtain a permit.
The driver completed the course in about 9 minutes, reaching nearly 140 MPH in some stretches. The footage reveals him running real red lights, nearly hitting real pedestrians, and driving the wrong way up real one-way streets.
Upon showing the film in public for the first time, Lelouch was arrested. He has never revealed the identity of the driver, and the film went underground until a DVD release a few years ago.
GOP Loses Congress, Bush Impeached,
Rove Indicted, Pigs Fly
Like my headline? These events aren't made up they're just too far in front of the news cycle.
Which is to say they aren't true, but only because they haven't happened YET.
Any other unlikely headlines you can think of that the Left would believe just because they want it to be true SOOOOOOO bad?
QUERY: Cell Phone
Okay, so my plan is up at Verizon and I'm getting a little tired keying in my text messages on the numeric keypad of my slidey-phone.
Since I text more than I call, I figure I ought to get a text device that doubles as a cell phone and not the other way around.
I've asked the IFOC audience this every now and then, and now it's time to toss the net into the ocean of wisdom that is the IMAO audience...
Preferred carrier is Cingular/AT&T.
Suggestions? Personal experience?
In My World: It's Ain't Easy Being a Congressman
Attorney General Alberto Gonzales stormed into the Oval Office. "Those gringos in Congress keep trying to stop me from investigating them. When I came to search for more bribery evidence, they told me to 'go eat some burritos.' I think that might have been an ethnic slur, but I still took the suggestion." Alberto took a bite from his burrito.
"Something is up with that Congress!" Bush declared. "Last time I visited them, I think I saw them forging my signature on bills." Bush shot to his feet and knocked over his desk. "It's time to break up whatever racket they have going." He looked to Alberto. "First, I'll need one of your burritos because I'm hungry."
"Get your own."
* * * *
Bush kicked open the doors to Congress. "Where are you, Denny? It's time to talk."
Dennis Hastert turned to face Bush. He was wearing a pimp hat, holding a pimp cane, and surrounded by hos. "What's the matter, Dubya? Everything is cool here."
"Then how come I heard that you’re selling drugs to the kids who come here on field trips?"
"What kid snitched on me?" Hastert demanded angrily as he shook his cane in the air. "Sounds like someone is in need of a pimp slap!"
"I know something is going on here!" Bush declared. "I want you to cooperate with the FBI!"
"There ain't nothing to find here, so why don't you get out of here before I put my foot up your ass."
Bush rolled up his sleeves. "You're pushing me, Hastert. Just look at my poll numbers; I ain't got nothing to lose."
Nancy Pelosi walked over and looked at Bush with disgust. "What does he want?"
"He thinks he needs to let the FBI investigate our offices," Hastert explained.
"That's silly," Pelosi said. "That's just the Executive Branch overreaching."
"What do you have to hide?" Bush asked suspiciously. "Are you trying to keep the FBI from finding out you're actually an evil sewer mutant?"
"I'll feast upon your blood!" Pelosi shrieked and leapt at Bush, but Hastert held her back with his pimp cane.
"Dubya, why don't you get out of here before we pass a bipartisan declaration saying that you're a square," Hastert said.
"But... but... I'm cool!"
Hastert adjusted his pimp hat. "Then let Congress do what Congress does."
Bush hung his head. "Okay. I'll go."
"When you're on your way out could you give this to a guy waiting on the corner?" Hastert handed something wrapped in tin foil to Bush.
"What is it?"
"Nothing... but don't look in it."
* * * *
Bush dialed a number on the phone. "Hey, Laura! I need you to bail me out of prison again... I didn't understand the charges; they said they'll explain them to me in court tomorrow... Well, I don't think I did anything wrong, but you stay away from Congress! You'll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy... That was from Star Wars; I'm so proud you recognized that... Is there anything else I need? Well… uh… tell Alberto to share his burritos!"
Yay! I'm Like a Publisher!
I have ISBN numbers! We're much closer to having the first In My World™ book ready to order. We're aiming for the fourth IMAO blogoversary (July 9th), so stay tuned.
Oh, and I'm finishing up a new IMW which should be up in the next hour.
Things You Didn't Know About Jesse MacBeth
In order to make America look bad, Iraq Veterans Against the War hooked up with compulsive liar Jesse MacBeth, who made up wild stories of his adventures in toddler-slaughtering while he served in Iraq.
Only problem being that he didn't actually DO any toddler-slaughtering.
Because he wasn't in Iraq.
Or even enlisted in the US Armed Forces.
However, one small fib (ok, THREE) shouldn't make you doubt Jesse's character. I'm sure that - thirty years from now - CBS will find memos that confirm his story, as well as some of the other claims he made during his startling video interview:
* While working for Hitler, he invented the Jewsy-Bake Oven.
* Personally light-sabered the entire village of Tusken Raiders who killed his mom.
* Told Natalie Maines what to say through a hidden earpiece during the Dixie Chicks infamous London concert.
* Worked as a boy-toy delivery driver for Michael Jackson.
* Spent days chumming the waters off Amity Beach right before tourist season.
* Manufactured O-rings for NASA.
* Programming code writer for the HAL 9000 computer.
* ...AND those twitchy A/2 series androids.
* Planned the Imperial defense of Endor's moon against the Ewoks.
* Stalked the streets of London as "Jesse the Ripper"
* While head elf for Santa, he would randomly remove kids' names from the "nice" list.
* "New Coke"
* Converted "Who Let the Dogs Out?" into a ringtone.
* Drove a tank at Tiananmen Square.
* Invented telemarketing.
* Was the first person to say to a Palestinian, "Ya know, if you pushed the Jews into the sea, you'd finally have your own homeland."
* Wrote "The Communist Manifesto".
* Killed the scientist who invented the 200 mpg carburetor.
* Designed the unpronouncable symbol by which Prince was known for 7 years.
Despite that last one, I heard that Imperial Veterans Against Star Wars is STILL continuing to support him.
Self-Defense Actually Reported by the AP!
Five robbers with firearms versus a former Marine with a pocket knife. Guess who wins?
The sad thing was the one robber killed in the attack was a woman who was two-weeks pregnant (it was clear self-defense, but still). There are all these warning for pregnant women such as don't smoke and don't drink. I guess "don't mug people" should be added to the list now.
UPDATE: New reports say she wasn't pregnant. And the story is acutally linked to on CNN's frontpage (acutally, I saw it there first and figured Blackfive would have commentary).
Carnival Of Comedy Reminder
The 57th Carnival of Comedy is tomorrow, June 1st! Thursday! And it will be at The MoxArgon Group's place! Really!
Hate To Correct Frank J., But...
In this post on the advantages of a putting a wall of flame along the Mexican border, Frank said:
Can't be graffitied. Fire burns paint.
Never underestimate the power of Mexican ingenuity:
The rest of his points still hold true, though.
Say... what do you suppose is painted on the other side of this flaming wall?
May 30, 2006
The Top 100's AFI ignores
Quotes? Scores? Passions? Thrills?
Give me a break.
How about some cool Top 100 Lists?
100. Top 100 "Cigarette Burn" Moments
89. Top 100 Performances By A Midget
A Union Boss Is Gone, So Just Be Happy
Did you know the FBI is still looking for Jimmy Hoffa? I guess if you lose a Hoffa, it will just dog you until you find him again. So did they check the couch? I lose stuff a lot either under couch cushions or under the couch itself if the cats were batting it around. When they last saw Hoffa, were the cats playing with him?
And, are they sure they have his home phone number right? Maybe the reason they called his house and never got an answer all these years is they were dialing the wrong number. Hoffa could just have been home all this time watching TV while the FBI dialed the wrong number looking for him; won't they feel dumb if that's true.
America Has Too Many Citizens
An Editorial by Frank J.
The other day, I saw some weird thing I didn't understand. It was some electronic thing with blinking lights. I smashed it with a bat. You may say, "Hey, Frank, you shouldn't have been so quick to smash that with a bat. You should have waited to find out what that was; it could have been a good thing." To which I say, "Hey, Pollyanna, it also could have been a bad thing that could have destroyed us all. All I know for certain was that I didn't understand it, so I smashed it with a bat. That's my policy." There are some things, though, that I don't understand but am unable to smash with a bat. Like, I don't understand why America has so many citizens. So, when I can't understand something but also can't smash it with a bat, I write an editorial. In a way, editorials are my bats to smash concepts I don't understand, and, in this case, why America has so many citizens is the electronic thing with blinky lights that needs to be smashed.
"With each revision, I get a longer period of non-murderous fruit-picking."
Do you know how many citizens America has? Hundreds of millions. That's a lot of people. To put it in a concept easier to grasp, think of one man standing in an auditorium. Now, think of a hundred million times that. And think of some of them as Mexican. That's scary!
Every day, the best and brightest of other countries come to America to be citizens, but, at the same time, we don't throw out our worst and dumbest. Why? Well, everyone who is born in America gets citizenship automatically. I know; it's not like being born is such an accomplishment (well, it's a bit harder since Roe v. Wade), but, still, that's all you have to do and you're here forever even if you're a moron and you suck. That's not right. Everyone should have to prove his or her citizenship.
Of course, I would easily get citizenship. I work hard, I am super-smart, and I know how to use firearms; I'm the model every citizen should follow. I'm even working on making robots to pick fruit so we don't need illegal aliens to do that. So far, they all eventually go on murderous rampages, but, with each revision, I get a longer period of non-murderous fruit-picking. Anyway, I could not understand how anyone could think I should not be a citizen. In fact, I would smash such a person with a bat.
So, smart people who design fruit-picking robots should be citizens, but smelly hippies who whine about America should not. For each immigrant we take, we should deport at least three hippies. Other countries may not like us forcing them to take our wretched refuse, but that's why we have a whole military designed to kill foreigners. They can make countries like whatever we want them to like.
So let's make a better country by being more discriminate about our citizens. First thing, let's revoke everyone's citizenship,
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as "Making Robots Less-Murderous: A Beginner's Guide to Robot Design" and "Smashing Hamlet with a Bat: A Guide to Shakespeare from Someone Who Didn't Understand It".
Who Doesn't Love a Giant Flaming Wall?
I hear some private citizens are going to construct their own wall along the Mexican border in the style of the wall the Israelis built to keep crazies from trying to blown them up. I think this is a bad idea. If we have walls like the Israelis, then we'll be just like them, and I want to worship Jesus. I have a better idea.
A wall of fire!
It would be like one of those eternal flame memorials, except all along the Mexican border and the fire would shoot up 25 feet in the air. And think of the advantages of a wall of flame:
* Can't be graffitied. Fire burns paint.
* Can't be scaled. Fire is not only hot, it is not a solid.
* It'll be really cool looking. Think of all the tourism to see the wall of fire. And it will be great to have barbecues next to.
* Illegal immigrants are much more scared of fire than concrete. There are studies to prove this.
This looks like an awesome idea. Considering the cost, we could build one along the Canadian border too. With all this focus on the Mexicans, let's not forget those devious canuks. Not even their armies of meese will be able to get past our flames.
Just more outside of the box thinking from your friend Frank J. Hell, I lost my box years ago.
Hope everyone had a great weekend (or a solemn one, if you actually observed the holiday). Anyway, I haven't been following the news for more than four days, so I have some catching up to do. I saw that Senator Reid got free ringside boxing tickets, though. Man, I want free stuff like that.
Heh. I can just imagine Reid at those boxing matches, rising to his feet and screaming, "Finish him!" That Reid is a badass; you don't want to mess with him.
BTW, since I found out my video software is so easy to use and YouTube.com gives me free hosting, I may do some more flogging (v-blogging, if you must) in the future. I have my ideas (other than more video of Rowdi swimming). What would you guys want to see?
May 29, 2006
Memorial Day Non Humor
Seems like honoring the war dead by honoring their last wish, or what one might assume would be their last wish) is a pretty dadgum good idea. Check out the Fallen Heroes Last Wish Foundation
About the Foundation The objective of this foundation is to grant the last wish of the U.S. servicemembers who have been lost in Operation Iraqi Freedom: to provide for their children.
I'm sending them some coin.
This is from the comments.
Those of us who have served, did not do so for the pay-we could make more money digging ditches.
Let's Make Fun of the Idiots
Withered old hippy Neil Young has penned hisself a 21st century protest song, "Let's Impeach The President". Lyrics as follows:
Let’s impeach the president for lying
Inspired by his complete inabilty to master the art of meter & rhyme after 40 years of penning pompous squeals of indignation, I've decided to write my own counter-protest song. I just hope it's clumsy and unsingable enough to become a hit with the tie-dyed intellectuals.
LET'S MAKE FUN OF THE IDIOTS
Let's make fun of the idiots who're lying
They're the men who cheer on the terrorists
Let's make fun of the idiots who say it's spying
They think that George Bush blew up the levees
Let's make fun of the idiots
It's sad to see these people stuck on stupid
Hopefully Neil Young will retire soon so that I never have to dirty myself this way again.
My Memorial Day Celebration
Today it will be 93 degrees in Wisconsin, and I'll be mowing my lawn and cursing the heat.
I am grateful to those who lost their lives making it possible for me to have the freedom to own a lawn that needs mowing.
And to do my cursing in English instead of German, Japanese, or Russian.
May 28, 2006
R.I.P. Paul Gleason
From The Breakfast Club:
Richard Vernon: Now this is the thought that wakes me up in the middle of the night. That when I get older, these kids are going to take care of me.
I looked on our shelf for our copy of it, but I realized we don't own it. It plays on USA, TBS, and TNT constantly, so why bother?
In Frank's World - Fan Fiction
Morgnet continues Buck Wild at the UN:
The Order of the Blue Square has a slice of D.C. life:
No, silly, that couldn't be the president. He always travels with lots of bodyguards and things called 'motorcades,' honey."
Think you can write better In My World fan fiction than these drunken monkeys? Prove it, and leave a link in the comments.
May 27, 2006
Instapundit's Work Clothes
You may have noticed that - from time to time - John Hawkins of Right Wing News will re-post an entry from IMAO in its entirety.
Which is fine with us.
It's not that we condone plagiarism (we're NOT the New York Times), but it's because of the sweet kickbacks he gives us. Usually scotch & hookers.
Except for Frank, who gets paid with sacks of monkey skulls, which he uses to decorate the altar of his Zatoichi shrine.
However, I recently got an e-mail from John, saying that he'd maxed out his tab at Leroy's House O' Ho's, and asked if we'd take an interview with Glenn Reynolds as payment, instead. John's a good guy, so I said "yes". I'm just hoping Frank will be too busy working on his In My World book to notice the absence of simian craniums in the mail this week.
Anyway, here's the interview:
JOHN: I see that you've recently taken a stand in favor of professorial nudity. Is that how you normally dress for work yourself?
GLENN: HEAVENS no! Exposing hairy man-boobs is ALWAYS a bad idea, which explains the pathetic sales of Michael Moore's documentary "Bowling for Fat Guys in Speedos". However, I will confess that - in the pursuit of pedagogical goals - I have been known to don a costume on occasion.
JOHN: So you're saying that you dressed as a Catholic priest?
GLENN: I said "pedagogical"! Try using a dictionary for something besides propping up the short leg of the sofa.
JOHN: Actually, that's what I use "An Army of Davids" for. Anyway, I want to hear more about these costumes of yours.
GLENN: Well, it all started when I was re-evaluating a data study from the Center for Applied Psychological Hermeneutics, which discovered that between 56% and 58% of over 16,000 freshman students at three state universities were...
JOHN: ...probably as bored as I am. Can we get to the costumes?
GLENN: You have the attention span of a caffeinated ferret.
JOHN: Still bored, here.
GLENN: Fine. There was this costume:
that I wore for a class called "Civil Suit Alchemy - Turning Pain Into Gold". Students were told to find grounds to sue Superman.
JOHN: Impossible! He's the ultimate Boy Scout! He won't even fly across the street against a red light!
GLENN: True, but with a good expert witness, you can convince a jury that his X-ray vision gave your client cancer.
JOHN: You have no conscience.
JOHN: Touché. So what else have you worn?
GLENN: Same class, next day:
JOHN: So you want to sue elves for making defective Christmas toys?
GLENN: Ya know, a lot of first-year law students make that same mistake. But when you sue, you should always go for the target with the deepest pockets. Thus the title of the lecture: "When In Doubt, Sue Santa".
JOHN: How do you sleep at night?
GLENN: On a mattress stuffed with contingency fees.
JOHN: Any other costumes?
GLENN: Well, I often wear this one when I discuss Marbury v. Madison during my lecture on the Federal separation of powers:
JOHN: What do penguins have to do with...
GLENN: WHOOPS! How'd THAT one get in there!... Hey! Look at the time. I gotta go!
JOHN: Well, thanks for taking the time to share the cobwebby inner darkness of your soul with us, Glenn.
Join me next week when the Travelocity gnome explains why he'd rather fly a lawn chair into a set of stadium lights than ride with a Kennedy.
It's not quite the IMAO podcast, but...
I tried to write another script for the IMAO Podcast this week, but there were a few issues the other cast members had...
So in the meantime, you can enjoy the sixth Weekly Challenge on the 100 Word Stories Podcast. It is guaranteed to star none of the IMAO Podcasters (No, I am not Planet Z).
The "Movies Are Stupid And Unrealistic" Trivia Challenge
There's a forwarded e-mail going around that lists various unrealistic events found in popular movies (posted below in the extended entry).
Your mission: name just one specific movie where this actually happens.
Please don't re-use examples from a previous comment - that just makes you look like one of those chittering hoot-monkeys from the DU who can't speak unless it's to regurgitate someone else's talking point. If you don't have a different one - or can't think of an example - just skip it.
If you don't want to play in the comments, feel free to just post the answers at your own blog and link back here. That way you have plausible deniability when you claim you came up with the answers all by yourself.
1) During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
2) All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
3) All grocery shopping bags contain at least one loaf of French Bread.
4) It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
5) Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
6) The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
7) If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
8) You're very likely to survive any battle in any war - unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
9) Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
10) If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
11) The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
12) A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
13) All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
14) If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
15) When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
16) Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.
17) Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
18) If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
19) Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.
20) Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat them.
21) Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
22) The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
23) A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of Wembley Stadium.
24) Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
25) Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.
26) Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
27) It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
28) Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
29) All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
30) It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
31) A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
32) If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
33) Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
34) It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
35) When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
36) No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
37) Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
38) When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
39) Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
40) An electric fence powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.
May 26, 2006
24 Day 5 - 5 a.m. and 6 a.m. -- the season finale!
Previously on 24, Aaron verbally kicked President Estro in the nads, Estro tried to have Aaron killed, but Marty saved his life by killing his would-be secret service killer. Estro suicided Walt Cummings. Bierko escaped CTU's transport and threw a nerve-gas canister into a submarine, which just happened to be in an L.A. civilian port being inspected by U.S. navy personnel as a part of the treaty that was signed less than a day earlier, because those treaties work *so* fast. Bierko took over the sub. To catch Bierko, Robocop was offered a deal, and Jack took him with him to the submarine, though we would all rather have Rico Suave for the op. Turns out, there are 12 warheads on the sub that the terrorists want to use for an attack on the U.S.
5:00 a.m. to 6:00 a.m.
Bierko and his goons check to make sure everyone's dead, then check the air to make sure it's safe to take off their gas masks. Bierko commands his men to remove their masks, and if it were me, I wouldn't trust him. I'd wait to see his was off before I blindly followed. Bierko says they're close to finishing and notes that they've picked 12 high-value targets to teach the Americans a lesson with. Bad Americans, making treaties with Russia.
Audrey, who still *isn't* dead while Edgar, Palmer, Michelle and Tony (yeah, I give up, he's dead) *are*, gets on the video phone with Admiral Kirkland at the navy and tells him about the teeny issue with the submarine. She asks how fast he can scramble fighter jets to take out the sub before the missiles are launched. She stresses the 12 multiple-warhead missiles. He says they can be there in 22-25 minutes. She tells him that's too long, because Bierko is launching in less than 20, and he says, "well I'll scramble them right this second. They'll still get there too late, but I'ma do it anyway. But it's up to your team on the ground, Whiney."
Jack and Robocop are at the sub and counting the guards. Mr. F tells Jack they've got less than 20 minutes. Bill gives even worse news that it's going to be up to Jack and that guy he doesn't trust to get control of the sub and the warheads.
So Robocop tells Jack he's gonna need a weapon.
JACK: I'll cover you.
They spot a signal tube that has been launched from the submarine, which could mean a friendly is on board. Chloe scans the emergency radio frequencies and finds the distressed friendly. She patches Jack through to Tim Rooney so Jack can give Tim instructions on how to be a red-shirt. Jack asks him where he is, and Rooney explains that he's in a sealed engineering compartment that he shut down when the atmospheric gages went cuckoo. Chloe finds the easiest entrance to the sub for Jack, and Rooney says there's a guard at the entrance. Jack says, "Yeah, about that, you're gonna have to kill him."
Robocop tells Jack that he's not going in without a gun. Jack gives him the .45 from his purse.
ROBO: Jack, just so we're clear. I help you stop the attack, and you help me and my wife disappear.
Mike Novick tells President Estrogen that Bierko's taken over the sub's missiles. Marty is waiting outside looking anxious. She calls Aaron to tell him that she can't get Mike's attention. Aaron says he should leave camp alone, and Marty says, "No, you'll be seen, and we'll never be able to make our love babies."
Back at the submarine, Jack asks Rooney if he has a gun. Poor Rooney, the armory is on the other side of the ship. When Jack asks if Rooney has anything, he says, "I have a utility tool that has a knife on it," which can be translated, "I have a Leatherman, but I'm not allowed to say so because they didn't pay for advertising." Jack tells Leatherman he's gonna have to slit the throat of the terrorist who is guarding the door. "But I'm an engineer, I'm not trained for that." So Jack gives him a play-by-play on just how to slit a guy's throat. Except he tells him that he has to pull the head back real far in order to be successful. I thought I read somewhere that if you pull the head back, it protects the carotid and that in order to be successful, you have to push the head forward in order to expose the carotid. OH! I saw it on CSI. So I don't know which one is true. One is TV, and the other is TV.
Jack shoots the outside guard and runs to the sub to await word from Leatherman that the terrorist guarding the inside of the hatch is dead. Leatherman panics when the terrorist struggles, so he just stabs the guy over and over in the neck until he dies. Whatever works.
Jack and Robocop come in, and Jack tells the untrained Leatherman to go create a diversion on the other side of the compartment to attract attention. "Oh, then just hide and hope they don't see you. Because if they see you, you're dead."
Leatherman creates a distraction, and Bierko runs to check it out. They kill the other guy in the control room, and Robocop starts working on disarming the missiles, while Jack starts hunting Bierko.
Chloe's on the line telling Jack to hurry, because they only have a minute before the missiles launch. Jack fights with Bierko and Bierko's redshirt. He loses his gun but uses the redshirt's gun to shoot Bierko. He gets steam to shoot out of a pipe on the wall and pushes redshirt's face into the steam so he can be free to fight Bierko. Jack jumps up and hangs from a pipe on the ceiling. He gets Bierko's head between his knees, swings there for a while, and then snaps Bierko's neck with his knees.
Robocop disarms the missiles just in time, and Mr. F tells Chloe to call off the fighter planes that wouldn't have gotten there on time anyway.
When Jack gets back to the control room, Robocop is shockingly not there. What? I know, crazy. Jack tells Chloe to take him off comms because he's getting feedback and wants to do some off-the-record stuff. He gets to the outside deck, and Robocop comes up behind him and tells him to drop his gun. Robocop says he knows Jack wasn't going to let him go, and Jack brings up the fact that Robocop killed David Palmer. Robocop pulls the trigger of the gun from Jack's purse, and it is remarkably empty. Robocop says, "Funny, I checked the chamber earlier on my gun, but I got one from the JackAttackSack and just trusted it. That's not stupid at all." Robocop checks the magazine, finally, and sees that there are in fact no bullets in that pistol. Snap! Jack says, "You killed Palmer, Tony, and Michelle, and we can't find Wayne Palmer! You're a bad man!" Jack kills Robocop, and Leatherman comes out and sees Jack and looks very frightened.
Navy people show up, and Jack says thanks for the car. He tells Bill and Mr. F that he's coming back to CTU and asks for Chloe. Jack tells Chloe that he's going to get President Estro himself. Chloe grimaces but then says, ok, fine, anything for you, my love.
Back at the Estrogen Ranch, Estro is happy to learn that the crisis is over. He gets all creepy and thanks Mike. "For everything." This super-creepy moment lasts an eternity, and I'm very uncomfortable. So is Mike. Estro says he wants to be at the airport when David's body is shipped back to Washington so he can make a speech that's all about him. Mike leaves.
Marty finds Mike and tells him she knows he's suspicious about the day's goings-on. She begs him to come somewhere secret with her, and he asks, "Martha, are you...." and she says she's actually sober and sane.
Estro gets on the phone with Halliburton and tells them that Robocop is dead and that Jack Bauer will be taken care of.
At the stables, Marty and Aaron tell Mike about Estro's role in the terrorist activities. Mike has a hard time believing it but automatically assumes that Estro suicided Walt Cummings. Aaron tells Mike that Jack had a recording that implicated the president, and that's why Estro was so insistent on shooting down the diplomatic plane before Mike talked him out of it. Mike wants to kick things when he learns that the recording was destroyed. He says he'll drive Aaron out through the west gate, because "I know a guy", and Aaron and Marty have a tearful goodbye during which Aaron says they shouldn't have contact to keep themselves safe(r).
After the break, Mike and Aaron dump the body of the secret service agent in tall grass, and Jack calls Mike because he can't get ahold of Aaron. They talk on speaker phone, and Jack says he's gonna get a confession from Estro himself. Whee! This should be fun! I hope there are beatings involved! Jack will be at the Estrogen Ranch in 20 minutes, and Aaron and Mike have to stall Estro, who's just about to leave for the airport.
At CTU, Mr. F gets off the phone and tells Bill she's being transferred to Washington immediately. Bill says they'll be scape goats, and he imagines he's next. Mr. F says not if she can help it. Chloe busts in and asks Bill and Mr. F to sign some paperwork and give this guy Morris who used to work there high-level clearance. Bill says, "Morris???" and Chloe says she needs him to try to salvage the recording. Bill asks if he's even on the government payroll anymore. "No, he's selling women's shoes in Beverly Hills." Bill is pleased and signs off. After Chloe leaves, Bill says that Morris is Chloe's ex-husband. ??? Chloe put up with a man long enough to marry him?
When Chloe gets downstairs, her ex is flirting with another girl, and he immediately starts charming Chloe. And he is charming, because he has a British accent, and that's pretty much all it takes. Chloe tasks Morris to work on digital audio transfer, and she needs him to get the transfer rate higher than she can get it.
Back at the ranch, Mike tells Marty that Aaron is safe and that Jack is going to get a confession from Estro. He tells her that she needs to delay Estro. Ew. They're gonna DO IT.
Jack meets up with Aaron, who tells him that Estro is taking a navy chopper to the airport. Jack wants to ride on the chopper with Estro. Suh-weet!
Marty comes to detain Estro. Ew. She does everything she can to delay him, including apologize for saying he's a treasonous fartface. She says she loves him and the airport can wait. He says I can't, she says you're the president, and he calls to tell people he'll be delayed 30 seconds or so. She starts to undress him. SarahK starts to barf.
Elsewhere in the compound, Jack and Aaron sneak into the secret service outhouse. They hear that the president is being delayed, and Jack tells Aaron he'll go as far as he has to for Logan's confession. Dun-dun-dunnnnnn.
6:00 a.m. to 7:00 a.m.
The IT that Marty and Estro DID lasted all of two minutes. Wow, that is impressive in a very bad way. Poor Marty. First she had to DO IT with Estro, and then it didn't even last long enough for her coffee to brew.
In the secret service building, Jack puts on a helicoptering outfit, and Chloe tells him she and Mike have found a way to get the co-pilot off the chopper. Outside, a secret service agent tells the co-pilot there's a problem with his paperwork. Mike gets Jack the proper paperwork. When the co-pilot comes back in, Aaron distracts him while Jack suffocates him unconscious.
Jack goes out and shows his credentials to the pilot. He jumps onto the chopper. Estro's limo pulls up, and Mike quickly tells Marty she doesn't want to be on the chopper and should make an excuse to stay behind. Marty tells Estro that he should have a presidential moment of getting off the chopper alone and waving at the crowd. Estro loves the idea of looking anything other than gay, so he agrees with Marty.
After the helicopter takes off, Jack points a gun at the pilot and then tasers the two guys sitting in the back next to Estro. The look on Estro's face when Jack takes off his helmet and shows his face is priceless. A combo of "I'm gonna die" and "Jack's gonna torture me first". Jack handcuffs Estro. Eeeee!
Chloe finds a place for Jack to land the chopper where he can interrogate Estrogen. Estro asks Jack what he wants, and Jack scares the pee out of Estro by just staring at him silently. Ooooooooh. I would NOT want the silent Bauer Glower.
Chloe calls the charming Morris and makes sure he knows to give Jack the goods when he arrives at the place where Jack is landing the chopper. When the chopper lands, Jack tasers the pilot so he can have some alone time with Estro.
Jack takes Estro into a warehouse, and Estro tries to bribe him. Jack cuffs Estro to a pole and takes each item out of Estro's pockets, which Frank says is important. Morris comes in and hands some stuff to Jack and says he should have known that's who he was helping. He carries the one for no one, "Jack, that's the president!" Jack tells him to go away, doesn't even thank him. Bad manners, Jack.
Chloe beeps in and tells Jack that he has less than ten minutes until the president's people start looking for him, even though no one actually cares about Estro. Chloe reminds him that if he doesn't get his confession, they'll all be arrested for treason. "I know, Chloe, why you always frontin' me?"
Jack sets up a camera phone and tells Estro that Estro's going to confess. Estro says no I'm not. Jack starts interrogating Estro. Unfortunately, he doesn't beat the crap out of him. Chloe watches over the video feed as Jack asks Estro about Palmer's death and giving Sentox gas to the terrorists. Estro acts all innocent, and Jack tells him he's gonna put a cap in him if he doesn't confess. Jack also tells Estro that David Palmer had told Jack that Estro was having him killed, and that was the reason Jack had to fake his death. He's really ticked off because his braindead daughter will never forgive him. He says he'll shoot Estro. "Right here, right now, you're gonna face justice!" Owned!
Estro tells Jack that if he kills him, Estro will just be a martyr. Jack can't kill Estro, and Estro tells Jack that it's ok. "It's ok that you can't kill me, Jack. It's good. It means you're human." SarahK is screaming at the TV. "Kill 'im, Jack! Claw his eyes out! Fight him TO THE PAIN!"
Estro's rescue team comes in and arrests Jack. Estro puts everything back in his pockets. Estro tells the secret service that Jack is delusional and he feels sorry for him. Grr.
At the airport, Mike and Marty watch Estro's chopper land. Mike tells Marty that Jack couldn't get the confession and is now in custody. Marty isn't happy. Estro gets off the chopper and looks as presidential as a gay prostitute can look.
David Palmer's casket is removed from the hearse, and Marty throws a lunatic fit. She starts yelling about Estro being a murderer and that he killed all those people and isn't fit to be president. Everyone's like, "That loony first lady, she's such a gas." She runs off into a hangar. Estro says he wants to check on her and asks everyone to leave him alone with her.
When Estro gets inside the hangar, he slaps her and checks her for wires. He says, "I can't believe I believed you were really back on my side. The IT that we DID? You didn't mean it!" Marty says, "I would have meant it, but I didn't have time!" Marty starts going on about all the people that he killed today, and he keeps saying he did it for the good of the country. She names all the bad things he did, and he admits it and says it's all for the country. He tells Marty that if she steps out of line one more time, he'll fill her with drugs and ship her off to an asylum for the rest of her life.
They walk outside and go to the podium together so Estro can make a self-congratulatory speech. "I'm so great! No one loved David or was a better friend to David more than me! And I'm so awesome and did awesome stuff today! Woo me!"
Meanwhile, at CTU, Chloe is getting the Attorney General on the line. Mr. F and Bill are like, "What? We totally didn't know about this! We're sorry she called you!" and Chloe tells them that she had to leave them out of it so they wouldn't be arrested for treason if it all went wrong. She tells everyone that Jack put a bug on the president, and the Attorney General starts whining about civil liberties and violation of privacy. Chloe plays the conversation between Estro and Marty, and everyone changes their mind and decides it's good that they violated privacy and all that.
While Estrogen is still on the podium loving himself, the AG calls a Federal Marshall standing by at the ceremony. The only official who can arrest a President. The Marshall's like, "Are you sure?" but then follows orders. Several agents accompany the Marshall to the podium. Marshall whispers sweet nothings in Estro's ear, and Estro looks shocked. The Marshall shows Estro the microtransmitter that Jack had placed on the end of Estro's presidential pen. Marty and Mike stand there looking smug and happy. Marty's just happy she never has to endure that 30 seconds of IT with him again. Estro is escorted to a limo (what a nice car to be arrested in) during David Palmer's 21-gun salute.
At the warehouse, Jack is hangin' out with security peeps when Audrey shows up. SarahK gags ferociously. They kiss for at least as long as Estro lasted in the presidential sack. An agent tells Jack that Kim's on the phone inside the warehouse. Um, Jack, don't go in there! Why wouldn't Chloe have patched Kim through to a cell phone, yours or Audrey's? Oh no. Jack tells Audrey, "I'll be right back." He doesn't just say it once, he says it twice for extra bad measure. "Jack, don't go in there! The Chinese are in there!"
Jack picks up the phone inside the building, and there's no one there. Nah, really? Jack is attacked from behind and knocked out. And he doesn't have his JackAttackSack, so I don't know how he'll get through next season.
Back at CTU, Mr. F tells Bill she thinks Estro will resign and cut a clemency deal so he isn't Big Bubba's cell mate in prison. Mr. F tells Bill that she'll make sure the Veep doesn't fire Bill when he's sworn in as new president. They have a moment. She apologizes for being a big doody head earlier on, and he asks her to breakfast. She disses him with a lame excuse about having to go to division for debriefing. But she does ask for a rain check. Since it's not actually raining, I think she's just saying that to get out of the moment.
Bill tells Chloe she did good and hands her something found in Edgar's possessions. It's a picture of the two of them together. Chloe starts to cry, and Morris walks up to console her. He asks if she wants to talk about it, and they walk off together. I hope he's a new character next season.
Audrey goes looking for Jack in the warehouse. When she sees the phone is off the hook, she freaks out and runs outside screaming. "Jack said he'd be right back! He's gone! He's so stupid to say he'd be right back! What a moron! Didn't he see Scream?"
Jack is beaten and bloody when the Chinese guys throw Jack into a dark room. Cheng, the guy that wanted Jack's head on a platter last season, tells Jack that China has a long memory. Jack asks if he can make one phone call and then asks the Chinese guys to kill him. Cheng says he's too valuable to kill.
Turns out, Jack is on a Chinese freighter already, 12 minutes after being kidnapped in the warehouse. Good thing there was martial law to give them great traffic on their way to the ocean. The freighter says Shanghai. Beep-boop, all that. I guess we're going to Shanghai. Maybe.
It's been fun, let's do it again in January.
Won't get fooled again
Q: How will Congress show defiance in the face of the deadly threat of rogue construction workers in elevator shafts with air hammers?
A: They will join together, Democrats and Republicans, and stand on the steps of the Capitol Building while singing "If I Had A Hammer." (In English.)
Many have been perplexed by Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert making such a fuss about the FBI raid again Democrat William Jefferson. It all seemed to make sense when ABC broke a story that Hastert is under investigation by the FBI. The Department of Justice has denied this, but ABC is sticking to its story and its unnamed sources. This brings us the question: Whom do we believe more? ABC or the Department of Justice?
Well, I for one know which one brings us more quality programming. So, I talked to my own sources - sources I will not name but I promise are really smart and know what they are talking about - and they told me that there is in fact a huge investigation of Hastert underway. My nameless sources also told me exactly what charges the FBI is pursuing, and it is as shocking as my sources are nameless.
DENNIS HASTERT IS THE HAMBURGLAR!
After a thrilling rooftop pursuit, Officer Big Mac was able to pull the mask off the Hamburglar and see that he was none other than Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert. This was witnessed by numerous onlookers to whom Hastert shouted, "I'll murder you all! I'll murder you all and eat your hamburgers!"
Hastert then escaped back to his Congressional office and Officer Big Mac turned the matter over to the FBI.
The Hamburglar is responsible for the longest crime spree in American history and has topped the FBI's Most Wanted List for decades. He is wanted for theft of hamburgers in every state (except Alaska and Hawaii), and the total cost of his years of crime is said to be in the billions. If the FBI is finally able to prove that Dennis Hastert is the Hamburglar, he could face multiple death penalty sentences. One can only imagine how many hamburger wrappers Hastert is hiding in his office and the lengths he will go to keep the public from knowing.
I for one hope Hastert is brought to justice, even though I eat more often at Taco Bell where I only get occasionally pestered by persistent Chihuahua who is easily kicked out of the way (the Burrito Bandito was found dead in a dumpster over fifteen years ago). If we live in a country where our Congressmen can steal our hamburgers and not face lethal injection, then we are nothing more than a monarchy.
Since it's Friday, I thought I'd spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka "I-MEOW").
Sure, some of the IMAO bloggers have cats, but apparently I'm the only one of them who has the Sixth Sense that allows me to see where blogging and cats converge on the Spiritual Plane.
Anyway, it's time for Nardo the Hungry:
If you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Nardo is... um...
Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.
You can find more examples of Friday catblogging by searching a blog search engine such as Technorati for "catblogging."
You can also find a roundup of catblogging posts at The Friday Ark, located at The Modulator blog. Then, when the weekend is nearly over, head over to The Carnival of the Catsat IMAO for more kitty goodness. There's also a Flikr Group called Furry Friday.
Add to that Weekend Catblogging at Eatstuff.
Anybody I miss?
May 25, 2006
A 3% excise tax on long-distance telephone calls that was enacted in 1898 to help fund the Spanish-American War is now being done away with. Why?
Spain has finally been destroyed!
It's Always Convenient to Make Fun of Al Gore
Do you know that Al Gore has a movie coming out called An Inconvenient Truth, and it's supposed to be the scariest movie ever. In fact, before you see it, you have to sign a waiver that you will not hold Al Gore responsible if you drop dead from fright while watching the movie.
You see, the movie contains nothing but Al Gore and a bunch of slides.
I know! It's freaky just thinking about it. I heard from a friend of mine that his cousin knew this guy who was forced to watch Al Gore give a lecture with PowerPoint slides, and, afterwards, the guy ATE HIS OWN FACE!
You're probably wondering (but too scared to ask) "What is Al Gore going to talk about?" Well, I'll tell you, but it's scary...
The earth is heating up and we will all die!
Believe it, man. I've been watching the temperatures here in Florida, and there has been a significant increase in average temperature since January. We're talking like more than ten degrees! If this trend continues, the oceans will boil in a matter of years.
Now, that's freaked me out enough, so I'm not seeing the Al Gore movie. I just can't take anymore sheer terror. I mean, I'm scared just knowing that movie is out there.
Then again, it could end up that this horror movie is just like the Blair Witch project where everyone thought it was true but it ended up it was just a bunch of actors. And it was boring.
So maybe the Al Gore movie is all staged... and boring. We can only hope.
I Want My Government Open, Honest, and Scared
Anyone else wondering what Hastert and Pelosi have to hide with them acting so angry about FBI raids? I'm think maybe they have some sort of bi-partisan drug and weapons smuggling ring. I demand - DEMAND - that the FBI raid all Congressional offices and report their findings to us. We pay for their offices, so it's our right to have federal agents march in them and overturn the desks and pull out all the drawers and tell us what's there.
Really, if the FBI wants some crooks to arrest, where better to look than D.C.?
Where Are the Trolls of Yesteryear?
Who hear misses The Limey? For those who missed that famous pen pal friendship, here's a link to the final episode that has links to the previous episodes (they need to be read in order for full effect). I have to admit, I do scan the comments of the trolls we get today in hopes there is a Rage Against the Machine reference, but there won't be another like The Limey. Also, I've came to the conclusion a while ago that stringing trolls on for public humiliation is just a little too mean for me.
Still, if you want to engage trolls, I have some advice. Now, I'm no troll expert - IMAO doesn't get as many trolls as the serious political sites - but I think I have some experience to impart. Anyway, here's the main rule:
NEVER TRY TO ENGAGE A TROLL DIRECTLY.
Trying to debate a troll is a big a waste of time as the troll's postings themselves. These people are out to vent and get attention - that's all. It doesn't matter how dumb a pronouncement one makes - he could say 2+2=5 - they are completely immune to reason. You cannot debate a troll. You cannot educate a troll by playing on his terms. Trying to refute his points is an exercise in futility. Someone who goes around looking for sites to stir up attention is not someone in a healthy state of mind looking for an intelligent discussion. What trolling is is a verbal tantrum, and you can't reason with a screaming child who has no reason in the first place. This brings us to our second rule.
DON'T GET ANGRY.
If you actually got angry from something a troll writes, step back. Do not respond. What is there to get angry about? It's just a few words and the person saying them has no influence over anything. That a person is drawn to troll is funny in itself; what the person says about any particular topic is beside the point. You have to accept the troll will not understand how silly he is, and just be able to laugh at him while he flails around trying to anger you. If you don't detach yourself and think of the troll like a rational person, you can get frustrated and angry. This gives him what he wants and lets the troll set the terms. Crazy people should not be in charge.
So what can you do? Ignoring is the highest form of dominance, but a whole post about ignoring trolls would be boring. Anyway, here is what I find you can do, but it's for entertainment purposes only. Maybe, with practice, these skills can be used to actually train trolls away from trollery, but if you just set your goal to confuse and bewilder the troll, you'll be less likely to get frustrated.
Anyway, remember the two rules: you're not angry and you’re not taking the troll head on. So what are you doing? You redirect. The Dog Whisperer does this all the time with aggressive dogs. They bark and snap their teeth, and yelling back would only make it worse. Instead, he taps them in the neck with two fingers and yells, "Tsst!" The dog then calms down and looks at the Dog Whisperer with confusion. This is basically what you do with a troll. The troll is hoping you'll come back as angry as he is head on, but instead come in calmly from the side. There are numerous ways to do this, but here's an example from one of the first hate mails I posted publicly:
Dopegirl (laguage warning; my language standards have changed over time)
It's not the prefect example, but I take the troll seriously and then play with what that means in a calm fashion. Now look at the response:
Dopegirl Response (language warning)
Much calmer, and that's all I think one should hope to achieve with a troll. That's what made the Limey special; he never got the joke and would come back just as crazy no matter what.
"There's no Fascist McFascist!"
He still makes me smile.
So, after the water company turned off our water with no notice, SarahK fixed our account the with the water utility and they said water would be back on later that day. Well, this morning we still didn't have water.
Rowdi was like, "I'm thirsty! Give me water!"
And I was like, "We only have expensive bottled water, and you're not getting it because you're a dog!"
Still, I took her out this morning, and, as I was walking on our lawn, my foot suddenly went through this plastic sheet on the ground and kicked some metal knob. When I got back inside, OUR WATER WAS BACK ON!
Also, when I accidentally opened that plastic sheet, I might have dropped a note in there saying, "Roll the dice and pay me $4 times the number shown because I OWN YOU, BITCH!"
Really, shouldn't the water supply to a house be protected by something with a better torch and tools rating than -5 minutes?
May 24, 2006
I Can Demand Stuff Too!
Our old pal Speakerof the House Dennis Hastert (R?) is demanding the FBI return documents from a search of a allegedly, though y'know probably, actually, since they caught him on video oand all, corrupt congressman’s office and take the agents involved off the case. Well, poop be upon you, and your demands Mr. Speaker, because I have a demand or two, maybe three of my own.
* I demand the FBI KEEP (that's right I said it, keep) the documents! Do whatever you want with them. Read them, copy them. See if there's any reference of any speakers of any houses getting any those tinfoil wrapped lettuce leftovers for his freezer.
* I demand the FBI KEEP (that's right I said it twice, keep) the agents ON the case! Why take them off? What a waste of time. They're keeping the documents, didn't you read my other demand? The one where I demanded they KEEP them? We want some new agents to have to go over them and find out about his other probable alleged activity?
* I demand that Dennis Hastert tell the American taxpayers the real reaaon why he's acting like such a cover-uppity dingus instead of acting like he supports truth, justice and the American way.
Those are my demands and they trump any Speaker's demands because I'm ******
[We interrupt this post to tell you]
Sorry McPhan's, the McPheever has broken.
American Idol - The Finale
Group song with all of the top 12 + Carrie Underwood. They're singing "I've Made it Through the Rain", which is almost as bad as last year's "He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother". No no. Nothing could ever be that painful. I'm having a seizure just thinking about it. They're completely in white, which is unfortunate. Every time Carrie Underwood or Taylor sings, everyone cheers real loud.
"I wanna hear about your suntan."And now we have the first of many montages. It's funny, though. They showed Randy saying the same four Randyisms over and over. On Paula, it's her being emotional (playing "I Get So Emotional" in the background, LOL) and being drunk. For Simon, it's The Ego Has Landed. Cute. Simon can have an ego, though. He's the only one who ever has anything to say, and he is all that.
Ok, in Birmingham, the O'Donahue twins are overseeing festivities. In Hollywood, Tamyra Gray, writer of that hideous "Inside Your Heaven" song, is overseeing the McPhans.
To start off the singing, Paris Bennett is singing "We're In This Love Together" with Al Jerome [UPDATE: excuse me, Jerreau], and they're scatting, and scatting well. She looks good, she's wearing a good outfit and her hair isn't retarded.
Chris Daughtry is living his dream. He's singing "Mystery" with Live. He will have a great rock career ahead of him. Oh, the lead singer of Live is bald too. It's 2 cue-balls dancing around onstage. Two not-ugly cue-balls. The Live guy has a nice falsetto, I may have to listen to them.
Kellie Pickler is getting a food lesson from Wolfgang Puck. Ryan can't pronounce Albemarle. Oh, I hate to admit it, this is actually very cute and funny. Escargot? Not a fan. Oh, I can't believe I'm saying it, she was really adorable there. LOL, they're not having her sing, I think they know it's just a bad idea. But anyway, she'll be an adorable model.
Katharine is going to sing with Meatloaf. A wonderful Celine Dion song, "It's All Coming Back to Me Now". The arrangement is absolutely a crime, what an amazing butchering. Not their singing, because that was good, but the harmony was horrible, and Katharine way overpowered Meatloaf, and she was the harmony. Not acceptable. But I really blame the sadistic arrangement. Awful. [UPDATE: A lovely chipper reader pointed out that it was Meatloaf's song before Celine's. I've never been a Meatloaf fan and never heard his version. If this version from last night was the original... it SUCKS, and Celine only improved on it. And none of that changes the fact that when the duet was going on last night, it sounded like they just shook up the Boggle cube and said, "Hey, let's sing that."]
AI has decided that since they never win Emmys, they're gonna make their own awards. Mmmmm. K.
"Outstanding Female Vocal". !!!!! I WANNA HEAR ABOUT YOUR SUNTAN!!!! I can't believe it, that was my catchphrase, and I forgot it halfway through the season. Bad SarahK. Anyway, female vocalist awards are going to the absolute worst of the year. LOL, during suntan girl, Rowdi grunted really loud.
"Outstanding Male Vocal". Dave Hoover, the overspastic jumper. LOL, he even showed up.
More Puck 'n Pickler. Kellie is afraid of the live lobsters, and I can't blame her, they are scary. And Puck is taunting her. Poor Kellie. :-D
The top 6 guys are singing "Taking Care of Business". You know, I kinda missed Bucky. He really grew on me as the competition went on. Oh yay, Elliott! Taylor on harmonica! Ok, y'all thought Scrappy Doo was white. I think he's transparent after seeing that dance, and wow, did a bass note just come out of that scrawny body? Now it's "Don't Stop". Elliott again! Man, I wish he was in the final. I love his voice so much.
Darnit, I'm out of sushi.
That new show Standoff is gonna have Gina Torres. I'm in, Zoe.
Cheesy Ford commercial is a montage of the previous ones to the tune of "Don't Stop". And wow, Katharine and Taylor both get Ford Mustang convertibles.
"Proudest Family Moment". It's a tossup between Elliott's mum and Chris's wife. Because I mean, we get to see McPops cry all the time. And Elliott's mum wins, and I just love her. And now Elliott is singing "One Love" with Mary J. Blige. Wow, she looks fantastic. Oh, the singing is great too. It'll be hard to beat this tonight, she's off the charts, and Elliott's Elliott. I'm so farklempt, y'all.
Uhhhh. At 9:00, we got the west coast feed. On the east coast. Fire that guy, if I'm missing Taylor or Mandisa song. I shall be very put out. WHAT IS GOING ON??? WE JUST GOT THE OPENING CREDITS AGAIN (at 9:00 on the Tivo).
Ok, it just switched back to the east coast feed, partway into Taylor's "In the Ghetto" duet with Toni Braxton. It's good she's on the show and I can see her definitely female legs, because I've always wondered if she was really a man. Question answered.
So what did we miss, between Elliott singing and Taylor singing?
The girls are singing "Man, I Feel Like A Woman", which is just wrong, because that's the song Mandisa was eliminated for. [UPDATE: I think I have to correct myself here, because I think Mandisa was eliminated the night she sang "Any Man of Mine". Well, anyway, boring Shania song.] And Kat sang it, Mandisa was just dancing in the background. Now they're singing "Trouble", which Elliott sang so well. Mandisa finally sings a little on "I'm a Woman". Now Kat is singing "Natural Woman". Lisa Tucker. Paris sounds like her voice is worn out. Now "I'm Every Woman", and Mandisa finally takes center stage. This is her track on the AI:5 CD, which Frank ordered, and which arrived for me in the mail today. Good grief, how is Mandisa not in the final. Shame.
BTW, after I've heard the whole CD, I'll review it for you.
"Best Impersonation" is next. That Cher guy should win. Oh dear. I'd forgotten about the Clay impersonator. Nevermind, he should win for the pee thing. And Michael Sandecki is actually there. And oh no, he's singing. "Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me".
FRANK: What ever happened to Ruben?
Oh the monkeys of Fox love me!!!! CLAY!!!! I LOVE THAT VOICE SOOOO MUCH!!! AND HE LOOKS SO GOOD!!! The Davey Jones hair, dark brown, is perfect for Clay. And once that impersonator kid shuts up, wow. What a voice. That's how it's done, wannabes. Have a voice like that. He's amazing. Lemme tell y'all, when I bought the "Bridge Over Troubled Water" single (the day it came out, I was at Target at 7 a.m.), I played it over and over and over until Scott came into the kitchen (I was living with Scott & Candace at the time) and said, "Ok. I like it, too, but that's enough." *sigh* I adore Clay. Y'all shoulda heard me swooning, it was a little embarrassing.
Burt Bacharach is back (say that 3 times fast) for the finalists. "What the World Needs Now." Wow, Katharine looks fantastic in that red dress. LOL, when Ace sang the first notes, "The look....", I thought he was going to sing, "The look, the feel of cotton, the fabric of our lives..." Melissa looks and sounds great. This is Ace and Melissa on some song I find unfamiliar. Kellie is singing, and my ears hurt. "I'll Never Fall in Love Again" or something. Should they really give her a song with more than 2 notes? Bucky is singing "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head". Is there any possible connection between all these songs [UPDATE: Other than the obvious Bacharach common thread]? I'm not catching a flow here. Aw, Bucky. I like him. Mandisa is singing "I Say A Little Prayer For You". Man, she just eclipses Katharine and Kellie. Lisa: some song I don't know. Something about believers and believing. ELLIOTT!! is singing "A House is Not a Home". Didn't he sing this earlier this year? I know it's been sung on AI. Wow, how didn't he make it to the final? Scrappy Doo: This is a disaster. I don't know whether to laugh or cover my eyes. He's singing "Pussycat, pussycat, I love you..." and, um... waving his hand in front of his private area. I'm not kidding. Chris, Ace, Scrappy singing "Moon and New York City". I love that song. Paris is singing that song about birds suddenly appearing, etc. and introduces Dionne Warwick. Wow, she looks great for 175. Seriously. Fantastic.
Dionne is singing. All the girls are wearing red dresses. They look purty. Yay, song change to "That's What Friends Are For". And everyone joins her.
"Best Male Bonding". LOL. Chris/Ace. Ryan/Taylor. The Brokenote Cowboys. They should win, hands down. That whole bonding thing made me cry real tears, the kind with saline and everything. LOL, the Brokenote Cowboys are singing "Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys". You know, they really don't sound bad. Of course, the other two besides Garet have really good voices, but they stuck with the Crying Cowboy, and it was so adorable. Garet sounds pretty good, too. Ok, that was great fun.
I really liked the awards show format.
Prince is there. I've gotta give him props, there were many radio days in the 90s made better by him. You know, before he got all "don't say my name" on us. He just combed his hair on stage. F'reals. His dancers are more spastic than Taylor. At first I thought they had someone on stage trying to imitate Taylor. I thought they would next get on their knees to emulate the McSquat.
Right before the results, Katharine and her wedding dress are dueting with Taylor on "I've Had the Time of My Life". Possibly one of the worst Idol moments ever. Taylor missed a cue, Katharine's singing Taylor's parts, and she's prancing around in that dress with a train, and yeck. Katharine should never ever sing harmony. She's too all about herself. When you sing harmony, you don't sing as loud as the melody. Anyway, that was a disaster.
And the winner is... FOREGONE CONCLUSION!!!! I mean, TAYLOR HICKS!!!!! CONGRATULATIONS, TAYLOR!! You were my favorite in the beginning. I kinda wavered on you a lot, but you deserved it. Consistently the best, the fewest bum notes, and you love music. Just like me. And this is all about me.
David Hasselhoff is crying in the audience. I kinda teared up myself. No word on McDaddy. Katharine's dress threatens to cover the stage and become a Kodak Theater Fire Hazard. Taylor is screaming "Soul Patrol!!!", and the DVR cuts off. Did he sing? I'll never know.
So that's it. No more AI blogging until next year. Until then, I wanna hear about your suntan. SUNTAN PATROL!
Carnival Of Comedy Reminder
The 56th Carnival of Comedy is tomorrow, May 25! Thursday! And it will be at Passionate America's place! Really!
I'm passionate about America. I think we should have Independence day every month on the fouth of course, or shoot, have it every Wednesday (fourth day of the week)! I also think Not having the American flag flying both in your yard, and on your vehicle should be grounds for arrest for unAmerican and seditious activities.
And We Have to Use Candles for Heat... Except That We're in Florida... And It's Almost June
Maybe I should put the tip jar back up since SarahK and I are in such bad shape that we just got our water shut off. Sarah told me that she won't even be able to cook our meager meal of beans tonight and the dog will have to go hungry.
When the first In My World™ book comes out (hopefully very soon), remember to buy many copies so we don't end up on the street!
Stopping Iran's Nuke Program
Despite the European Union's numerous offers of flowers & candy, Iran's lunatic president Imabigdweeby (or whatever his name is) still refuses to stop enriching uranium.
Need to put a stop to that.
So I recommend sending in the Double Secret British Special Forces Commando Team to shut them down with some of their patented pacification techniques, which include such diverse elements as fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to World Peace, and possibly one or more of the following:
* Park a giant wooden rabbit outside the enrichment facility, then - when the Iranians bring it inside - they'll sneak out to open the gates for... RUN AWAY!!!
* Soundly ignore any and all Iranian complaints about dead parrots.
* Wear high heels, skip and jump, press wildflowers, put on women's clothing and hang around the gates of the facility waiting for a chance to sneak in and blow it up with the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch.
* Write a strongly worded resolution, wrap it around an arrow, and fire it into Imabigdweeby's bodyguard, Concorde.
* Burst into the enrichment facility, search it for cheese, and start shooting people if none is found. Starting with the bouzouki player.
* Taunt the Iranians.
* Taunt them a second time if necessary.
* Do something in their general direction, but only if it doesn't violate the Geneva Convention, because Amnesty International is like a freakin' pit bull on these sorts of things nowadays.
* Demand that the Iranians dismantle their nuclear program immediately. If they refuse, explain that you're very sorry, but you're not allowed to argue with them anymore unless they dismantle their nuclear program.
* Slap Imabigdweeby with a fish.
* Bomb the nuclear facilities, invade the country, kill the leaders, and steal their huge tracts of land.
If none of that works, I suppose we can always try giving the Nuts Who Say "Nuke!" a shrubbery.
Unfair Political Humor
Eugene Volokh is having a discussion about what constitutes "fair" political humor referencing Slate's "Bushism of the Day." Probably not a discussion that will get anywhere, but that Slate feature does seem pretty asinine.
Can't you just do this ten million more times and aim the plane South instead of East?
The Florida college professor expousing the virtues of Islamic Jihad may still be tangled up in the bureaucracy, but one of his buddies finally got the boot:
A co-defendant who was acquitted of all charges in the Florida terrorism trial of former college professor Sami al-Arian has been deported to the Palestinian territories, a U.S. official said on Wednesday.
Well, at least he's safe from alligator attacks now.
In My World: An Average Day for the Deputy Chief of Staff
"So, is this story about Karl Rove being indicted true?" Jason Leopold asked. "If not, I could be completely discredited."
"It is quite true," said the hooded figure hiding in the shadows. "Publish it immediately."
"Okay, then!" Leopold typed away at his computer. "By the way, who are you?"
"My name is..." The hooded figure was silent for a moment. "...Rarl Kove."
* * * *
"So Jesse MacBeth was a fraud made to discredit us all!" exclaimed an angry anti-war activist. "I was so sure he was for real when I saw he had a beret and everything! I bet the Bush Administration was behind this... probably Karl Rove himself!"
The other anti-war activist nodded in agreement. Suddenly, though, they were pelted with rocks.
"Who is throwing rocks at us? It must be Karl Rove!"
They turned to see a hooded figure disappear into the darkness as a blood-curdling laugh filled the air.
* * * *
Markos Zúniga was curled up in a fetal position on the floor and muttering to himself. "Maybe I am too far to the left. Maybe I do hurt the Democrats. Maybe since every candidate I support loses, I should give up. And, maybe, I should take my medication."
"No, my child," echoed a voice in the room. "You are the only one who knows the true path... you and the readers of DailyKos. The problem with the Democrats is they are not far enough to the left. They need to be more liberal! More!"
Markos got to his feet and wiped his face on his Ned Lamont t-shirt. "That's what I keep saying! They all say I'm wrong... but they must be wrong! Screw 'em! Screw 'em all! Tee hee hee hee hee!" Markos then stared at the hooded figure before him who lurked in the darkness. "Who are you?"
"I am your conscience."
Markos scratched his head. "I have a conscience?"
* * * *
Patrick Fitzgerald sat down for dinner with his family, but then the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, no one was there. He looked down to see a dead cat and a note saying, "Courtesy the man who ruined Fitzmas."
"Mittens!" Fitzgerald exclaimed. He then shook his fist at the darkness outside his house. "I'll get you for killing our cat, Karl Rove! I'll get you yet!"
An evil laugh answered.
* * * *
Karl Rove stood before The Pit of Unimaginable Terror and Punditry. Its evil light lit his face. "Dark spirits! Give me the power to manipulate the wills of others! Help me lead my enemies to their own demise! Bring forth the demon..."
"Hey, Rover!" President Bush called out.
"How did you get into my secret lair?" Rove demanded.
"As usual, I fell down a hole today." Bush looked around. "So what are you up ta? This place looks neat." Bush stared down the pit. "If I throw a penny down there, will my wish come true?"
"Don't disturb anything!" Rove commanded. "There are powers here of which you could never hope to understand."
"I saw a lot of Mexicans working in your underground mines here," Bush said. "Is that why you keep telling me not to be a hardliner on illegal immigration?"
"It's all part of the plan."
"And what's this plan lead to?"
"As predicted by the ancient Book of Punditry, when the planets and the stars and the polls align, I can summon forth a power unlike this world has ever known! With it, all will bow to me, and, if I so desire, I can even rend apart the universe itself!"
"Destroy the universe..." Bush thought about that. "Might be unpopular with the base, but well, at least we have an agenda; that's how we keep beating the Democrats."
"Now leave this place before I eat your soul."
Bite-Sized Wisdom: Now Extra Chewy
* I hear Vicente Fox is in Utah speaking out against fences on the borders. And then he went in front of a nearby Home Depot and spoke about how great a day laborer he is. He's now making four bucks an hour working on some guy's yard and there is no indication he's going back to Mexico.
* So are all the jobs taken in Mexico, or are there jobs that Mexicans won't do which they give to low-paid Guatemalans?
* You hear about this Jesse Macbeth character pretending (poorly) to be a Army Ranger and that he killed hundreds of civilians under orders? The moonbats were jumping all over this because they really want to believe our military is wantonly slaughtering civilians in a manner reminiscent of Jenjis Khan. You've seen how excited Murtha got about that ongoing case in Iraq? Little tip to our service men and women: Don't kill Iraqi civilians for sport; that will play right into the left's hands.
Or, if you have to slaughter civilians, keep quiet about it.
* I think I heard Bush's poll numbers may have gone back into the forties. According to Kos-logic, that would put him in "striking distance" of being the most popular president ever.
* I know you wouldn't expect me to take a stance against an obviously corrupt politician in the rival party, but I have to say that William J. Jefferson was wrong to take bribe money. And I am brave to say that.
And what's with hiding it in the freezer? What a maroon. You hide it in the crib under the baby... or is that drugs?
* One last thing: Taylor Hicks better be the next American Idol or I will have lost my faith in democracy. Soul Patrol! Soul Patrol! Woo!
May 23, 2006
American Idol 5 - The Final!!
Don't know why I'm so excited. I know I'm voting for Taylor unless Katharine pulls out something I've never heard from her. Taylor is definitely the most talented, and I don't care how spastic he is. Really, I'm not watching him when listening to his CD. Then again, if they're both boring and safe, I may not vote.
Simon looks suave in his nice jacket. Paula and Randy have meaningless nothings to say, and Simon says each should hope the other forgets the words.
They're showing the Bad Day stuff for both contestants, since neither one gets it tomorrow night.
BTW, sorry about 24. I'll get to it tomorrow. Today I had lots going on.
IDOLS 01/03/05... Um. Does Katharine realize this was one of the weirdest and most lackluster songs she did the whole season, and that doing it again just reminds people why she shouldn't be in the final? At least she wasn't on her knees the whole time, but really. Boring. Not as weird as the first time. No vocal range... I'm really baffled by this song choice. This is the final, Katharine. RANDY: A'ight. PAULA: Garble warber goo goo. SIMON: Good with a lowercase g. Not big enough song for tonight.
I'm sorry, I'm so confused. Why would she pick this again? Ever? REWATCH: She looks cute? I really don't have anything else to say. McDad still crying.
IDOLS 02/04/06... "Living For the City" is Taylor's first one. The first time he sang this, I don't remember what I thought, but I remember what everyone else thought. Everyone was up in arms over how he sang it as a super-happy-excited song but the song is NOT a happy song. I guess at that point I revealed I'd never heard that song before. Boring. Not as spastic as the first time. Maybe I just don't like this song, but um. Stevie Wonder song + American Idol = Bad Idea. Always. Oh, and the jacket? Horrid. But he wins the first song. RANDY: Yo yo, yay yay! PAULA: We match! Look ma boobs! Dance like Taylor! Soul Pertol! SIMON: Good way to start the night, you win the first round. Hey, I said that too. REWATCH: It's fine, but it's Stevie Wonder on American Idol. The jacket. Should never be seen again. Ever.
1/3/5... Katharine is doing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" again this week. I hope she gets off the floor and leaves out the oversing part. Nope, on the floor, and I just can't express in words how tired I am of seeing the girls on their knees this season, it's been overabundant (how could it not have been, with Kellie Pickler in the competition and Kat trying to vamp better than Kellie). I suppose it's best expressed with a head back-tilt and a gigantic eye roll. Demure, very understated, let's just hope it stays that way. Aaaaaand she's building to the oversing... The build up was actually lovely and voteworthy. The oversing was, well, an oversing. But the end was good, and this was much better than last week. Wow, Katharine held out a note and didn't screech. Applause from SarahK. Ok, enough with the McTears. Do they have to show Mr. McPhee every single time he cries? Just in case y'all were wondering out there in TV land, Mr. McPhee is still crying. That's just an update from us to you, because we don't want you going to bed wondering, "Did Kat's dad cry every time Kat sang?" It's a service we provide. You can thank us never. RANDY: You worked it out two weeks in a row. You're hot. PAULA: let's see if anyone can decipher if Paula actually said anything -- this is a word for word quote, per my DVR... Katharine, it's no mistake that it's God-given talent that you are possessed with, that you are possessive of, that you, every father around this country is feeling the tears down their face as your father does every time the camera goes in, on him. SARAHK: WHAT??? Flurgy markova duvnok to you too, Paula. SIMON: Round 1, you were slaughtered. Now, this was your best of the season yet again. SARAHK: Oh, and I hate the blouse. Or curtains from Oprah's house, whatever she's wearing. BTW. Since she made such a big dumb deal about this, I'm gonna make a big dumb deal too. Katharine was wearing an earpiece so the piano could prompt with her starting note. It didn't work this time, and Kat is beside herself that she actually started on the right note. Um, if you can't hit a key on a dinky keyboard backstage and then come out 30 seconds later and mimic the note you just heard 30 seconds ago backstage, you shouldn't be in the AI finals. It's simple playing by ear. Or singing by ear, as it were. That makes me so much less impressed by her performance. Maybe I'm a music snob because my entire family can hear something and sing it back. I certainly wouldn't praise myself with such surprise in front of 40 million people for that. /rant. REWATCH: Katharine at her best. McDad still crying.
2/4/6... Taylor's second song is "Levon". I think I was the only one that liked this the first time he sang it. Taylor looks good in this shiny suit, and his pants aren't too tight. I thought this was even better than the first time he sang it. I am probably the only one in that camp, but I loved it. It wasn't spastic, a little understated, but in a good way. Well-sung. RANDY: Nice song, pitchy, you know I have to keep it real. A little pitchy. PAULA: Part 2 of the "Can We Decipher Paula" game... I don't know, Randy. I think what may be pitchy to you is the essence of who Taylor is, and Taylor's just getting in to the song... SARAHK: Mwu-huh?? Are you saying that pitchiness is Taylor's essence? SIMON: Paula, you make no sense. You walked the first round, Taylor. 2nd round goes to Katharine. It's up for grabs. REWATCH: Loved it. Much.
1/3/5... So now Katharine is singing her first single.
Lemme 'splain about the single. No matter who you are or how well loved, you are going to have a cuh-rappy first single from American Idol. I don't know who vettes (sp?) the songs and gives the big thumbs up that says, yes. By gum, let's take this superstar we've made this year and have everyone who hears the first single by said superstar empty their stomachs via esophagi and immediately turn the station. If it's not hurl-worthy, it's not good enough for American Idol. Last year, Carrie Underwood's first single was "Inside Your Heaven", which has lyrics such as, "I wanna be inside your heaven, take me to the place you cry from..." Where does that even make sense? Take me to your tear ducts, I come in peace, Mr. McPhee. Only in Tamyra Gray's inspirational artistic heartstring does that make sense. The worst part is that it's apparently an unwritten requirement that the song MUST be one of those "you're my inspiration" or "I'm inspired to dream" or "You inspire me to dream about you" songs. The two elements being inspiration and dreaming. By definition, those songs are B-E-A-T-I-N-G-S. So here's what we're up for: each contestant will be given a snooze-inducing cuh-rappy song to sing. Whoever makes their song sound the least sucky wins.
1/3/5... Back to Katharine. Singing Sucky Song #1, called "My Destiny". Her dress is way too tight, she can hardly move in it. It's a pretty color on her, but the cut is horrible. Ok, first off, Sucky Song #1 is way too low for Katharine, and yes, Mr. McPhee is still crying. I've noticed something Katharine does. I used to do this, so I'm very self-conscious about it when I'm singing, whether in the car or the shower or on a stage. When the words are slow and/or the tone low, she looks very sad. When the notes get higher and/or faster, she gets happy. Unless the note is hard to hit, then she looks pained. Doesn't matter the words. Mr. McPhee still crying. Anyway, she should mind her facial expressions. That said, I think when Katharine learned and rehearsed this song, she focused on two things: getting the words right and making faces. Not so much on hitting the notes. This performance was awful, hideous, screechy, off-key (in LOTS of places), and she took an incredibly boring song and did absolutely nothing to make it better. Not a star, not a champion, not your next American Idol. RANDY: Dawg, first, you look gorgeous. Uh-oh. Keeping it real. You sounded really good. I did not love the song. But you sounded good. PAULA: That is not your fault, you are brilliant. SIMON: You went from brilliant to quite good in one song. You are a great potential artist. I hope your fans remember the second song. SARAHK: Absolute mess. REWATCH: Trainwreck followed by a Brevard County wildfire. But I know why it's too low in the beginning. Because it's too high at the end. Ick, it's way too airy. Sometimes airy is good, but when airy is because you can't hit the notes strongly, airy is bad. McMom crying too.
No question about it. Taylor wins, hands down. Now everyone vote. For Taylor and his cuh-rappy first single.
Congratulations, Taylor. Most nights, you earned it. Especially tonight.
Wait, pause, I have to dance before the rewatch. The AI producers love me after all. Weird, I'm having a seizure, and now I know when I'm having them, so it's very strange. Where's my helmet? Anyway, Daniel Powter is here, live, to sing "Bad Day". And now I shall get on my knees and dance and wave my arms and sway to the music. I LOVE this song. All I need for a good song is a good melody and that the words don't suck. Oh, and it helps if there's a lovely tenor voice thrown in. This melody rocks my soul. I love the words too. And the voice. But it's the melody that sucks me in every time. My soul, people, my soul. First person to send me this .mp3 from tonight is my new best friend for 30 seconds. REWATCH: I'm not ashamed of my love for this song. My soul, y'all.
Ok, it's to the rewatch, but there's really no point. Taylor, Taylor, Taylor. SOUL PATROL! Goodnight.
dot dot dash pause dot dot
sarahk is liveblogging the AI pre-finale tonight by telegraph -- unfortunately an ornery mule kicked over a tree and knocked the wire down outside hooterville -- don't worry, they'll get the wire re-strung any time now and updates will start streaming in
She's a Huggy Pit Pup!
SarahK and I have been taking Rowdi to pond parties where she gets to run around with forty other dogs and swim in ponds. She has lots of fun, but it's hard to keep track of her since it seems like half the dogs there are tan colored and are wearing red collars. Thus, we decided to put a nametag on her collar. Here's what we had made for her:
Today's Main Problem Facing Society Today
How many boards can you punch through? How about block of ice? When was the last time you roundhouse kicked someone in the head? Have you ever even been in a battle to the death?
You probably don't even want to answer those question because of the shame it would bring to fess up on how weak your kung fu is, but you are not alone. Kung fu has been in a decline in America since the 60s, and, all that time, crime, drug use, and wussiness have been on the rise. Why, if I graphed America's strength in kung fu versus societal ills, there would be a line that... uh...
I really have to learn Excel. Anyway, it would be a disturbing graph, and you'd gasp to see it. There probably isn't one problem in this country that doesn't have some relation to our weakening kung fu.
Most people just like to ignore the problem, but let me give you this fact: there is a one in forty chance you will be attacked by a ninja today. So what are you going to do? Call the police? Here another fact: a ninja can kill someone weak in kung fu in an average of 30 seconds while police response time is an average of 40 seconds - longer if the police themselves have weak kung fu.
Are you scared yet? Of course you are; you're weak in kung fu and probably scared of everything. So what to do?
HOW TO KEEP YOUR KUNG FU STRONG
* When you're mad, punch holes in things. Start simple like drywall, and try to build up to punching through buildings.
* Instead of leaf blower, clear your lawn of leaves using just the wind from your kick.
* Next time you're in an argument, make sure it escalates to a fight. If you can keep the fighting going until your battling on a rooftop (or, better yet, a mountain top) all the better.
* When you pass someone on the street you don't know or care about, knock him down with a swift palm strike. Keep a journal handy to record your progress on how far back you send people flying.
* Do breathing exercises.
And don't forget about the next generation. When you feed your kids, only make one meal and let them fight for it.
Remember: Only you can prevent weak kung fu.
This public service announcement from your friends at IMAO is in compliance with item 5.04.2A of the Keep America's Kung Fu Strong Act.
Unfortunately, It's True - Thief Steals Data on 26 Million Military Veterans
Thought our Veteran readers should know about this:
The Department of Veterans Affairs reported Monday that a laptop computer containing the names, dates of birth and Social Security numbers of over 26,000,000 veterans was stolen from the home of an employee who had taken the data home without authorization.
A copy of the letter being sent to affected veterans is available at the link.
Meanwhile, if you're an affected Veteran, here are other steps you can take:
1) Find out who stole the laptop.
2) Gut him like a trout.
3) Place his head on a pike as a warning to others.
Honestly... how stupid do you have to be to screw with 26 million professionally-trained killers?
[alerted via an e-mail from One Happy Dog Speaks]
I've been having trouble coming up with new stuff to blog about, and I think I figured out why: this politics fad has run its course. There have been so many blogs about politics with the right-wingers and crazy moonbats that I think everything that can be said has been said. When I came up to the final solution to political turmoil - punching liberals in their dumb monkey faces - I think that was the last original thought left on the subject of politics. Thus, it's time to move on to another topic.
Now, I don't know what else to blog about. A popular subject seems to be cats, but cats freak me out. They have those weird eyes just like gators and they sun themselves - just like gators! I'm always yelling at the cats, "STOP STARING AT ME!" But they don't stop. They just walk towards me until I run away screaming.
I could blog about technology, but technology is complicated. Also, it usually involves electricity, which means there is an electrocution hazard. Frankly, I fear technology and want to smash it with a bat; I don't know how great a blog that would make.
Other than politics, cats, and technology, are there any other blog topics to choose from? There might not be. Then what do I do? Blog about my daily life? That would be boring. I mean, the ninja attacks and shoot outs I get in each day are exciting, but they become lifeless when I try to transcribe the experience.
So what are some blogging topics?
In Frank's World - More Fan Fiction
Brèves proves that the French ARE good for something - being strangled. Although I hope Rummy makes an exception for Woland, the guy at Brèves who wrote the piece.
Meanwhile, The Rumsfeld Strangler keeps us updated on blogging, interviews, pets, and his opinion of the movement to make English the national language.
If you've posted any In My World Fan Fiction on your blog, leave a link in the comments.
Genius in Ink and Paper
So, I know you've been waiting for books from IMAO and especially me, Frank J. I saw some of the books other bloggers put out, and not all of it was simply fancily packaged toilet paper. In fact, I liked the central thesis of one book so much, I combined it with my famous thesis. Thus, I present:
(cover art by cadet happy)
An Even Better Ending to 24
I liked the seaon finale for 24 last night, but I have a tweak that would have made the ending perfect:
They should have ended with scenes of Jack Bauer being beaten up by the Chinese while they played that song "Bad Day" that they always play on American Idol when a finalist is voted off. It would be a great cross-promotion, and it would be so perfect if they faded to black with the last couple seconds ticking off as the final notes of the song played.
"So you had a bad day..."
May 22, 2006
I Just Have to Say...
I totally called that. You NEVER say "I'll be right back." And you CERTAINLY don't say it twice. And I did say exactly who would be behind that door.
BTW, I decided to take tonight off from 24 blogging. I didn't want the 2-hour season finale to take us 4 hours to watch, because um... ALIAS series finale tonight. WHOA! Special guest star Merrin Dungey, are you kidding? Didn't she die? Twice?
I'll get to blogging 24 tomorrow some time. But you know, I've got cleaning, dog training, a massage, and probably a few seizures on the way tomorrow, so it might not be early.
According to Kentucky Derby winner and tragic lose of the Preakness Barbaro's surgeon, the horse has a fifty-fifty change of survival.
That's nice, but I'll wait for Vegas to publish their odds before placing any bets.
I Love America
If you spend too much time watching politics you forget that the politicians are not America... other than that they run America... but only the unimportant parts... other than deploying the military, that is.
Okay, I already confused myself.
Anyway, my point, whether I can come up with an appropriate intro or not, is that, even though it seems like we have no heroes in politics right now, America is still full of heroes and things worth fighting for. We have the liberty earned by our forefathers, our innovation, our spirit, our awesome economy, and our general kick-assery - and that should be more than enough to get anyone out of bed and glad to be alive each morning. As bad as things may get in Washington and on the world stage, there's always a supermarket nearby with at least eight different types of Oreo cookies to choose from - and this week they're buy one get one free!
Maybe my point is that you should never forget that America is really really awesome. We have apple pies and right to carry laws. We have boundless opportunity and a Walgreens at every intersection. We have constant technical innovation and no native species of monkeys. And this is the only nation that has me! If you said there was another country even half as great as the United States, I'd punch you in your dumb, lying monkey face.
And you'd deserve it for such slander.
And did I mention that no military is better at killing its enemies than America's military? We had all those years of "peace" during the Clinton years, and the military went right back to killing bad people without missing a beat. And, with new technology in the works, we'll kill people in need of killing even more efficiently.
So be happy (unless you're one of IMAO's international readers; I don't know how you should feel then). The United States of America still kicks ass. We must continue to fight for what's right, but we should have smiles on our faces because we fight from positions of strength. And no matter what terrorists do, no matter how liberals try to weaken us and put this country down, the two-hour season finale of 24 will still air tonight.
Because we're America.
Because only Guatemalans are illegal...
What do you do when your country is overwhelmed by illegal immigration?
In America you hunt them down and talk them into voting for you. In Mexico, they build more DETENTION CENTERS!!!
Here's a headline right from the front page of our local spanish paper La Opinion (Motto: Habla Espanol?).
It turns that Mexico is having a bit of a problem dealing with illegal immigrants. Thankfully, it occured to them to send the illegals back. This is much better than creating an express lane to Tijuana, with a free pass to the underground tunnel.
Here's a translation of the first few paragraphs.
Mexico will construct more deportation centers . Between 2002 and 2006 the total number of undocumenteds rose 74%.
The Mexican government plans to build at least 13 detention centers to deal with the increasing number of foreign migrants on their way to the United States. In the last 4 years this total has risen 74%.
There's more.. it goes on to detail that ...
Mexico has committed to an agreement with four other countries stipulating that deportation be safe, dignified, and fast.
...All deportations will occur within 24 hours. That is, between the time a person is caught and the time they are on a bus on their way back to their country, there should not pass more than 24 hours."
Somebody call Harry Reid. Not only is Mexico forcing illegals to go back home but I'm sure that they aslo require the illegals to speak in Spanish. That has to be racist.
IMAO: The Place to Discuss the Issues
I think we here at IMAO should continue to encourage reader discussion... not just to drive up hits to the site so we can charge more with advertisers... but because we want to know what you think.
Today's issue: Did you think the end to Huckleberry Finn was just tacked on? I mean, the book was great and seemed to cover many important themes, but it's like Twain just ran out of ideas when he got to the end. Actually, after finishing the book, I just wanted to punch Mark Twain in his big stupid mustache.
Discuss amongst yourselves.
Having Your Chocolate and Eating It Too
I guess with his reelection, Mayor Ray Nagin is now the Marion Barry of the new millennium. This raises the important question: Do we really need a New Orleans for anything? I mean, people can get drunk and make women take off their tops for beads about anywhere... and most of those other places won't be ruined deathtraps run by the incompetent. Thus, I want to be the first to start a campaign to have New Orleans razed to the ground. Why spend countless dollars rebuilding the city and making new, stronger levies when it can be abandoned for free?
Am I talking anything other than sense here?
May 21, 2006
Carnival of the Cats #113
Why are you looking at me like that?
Oh… I get it… it’s time for the Carnival of the Cats!
The Carnival of the Cats is a weekly roundup of cat-related posts on weblogs. Its purpose is to provide a non-political respite from the vehement echo chamber that the Blogopshere spins itself into during the week, demonstrating that even the mightiest and meekest of pundits have a love of cats in common.
I think we’re up to 113 COTC at this point. Shall we begin?
Shipping and Handling Extra
Steve wonders why cats hop in boxes. The real question to ask is Why do cats hop out of boxes? Because boxes are nice things to be in when you have the chance to be in them.
Some cats prefer plastic. There’s no explanation for this, not even stinky socks within the plastic.
How about sitting inside of a donut? Just don’t dunk it in the coffee.
Don’t want a donut? Perhaps you’d settle for Danish instead?
I’d rather just sit on my hat instead, thank you very much.
Bathroom mats are supposed to be there for your safety, but stepping on this one might hurt you worse than if you had none there at all and just slipped.
Olver and Bazel make a cute, frightened couple, don’t they?
Normally when people get smudges in their windows, they get angry. In this case, I don’t mind.
Ramona and Harper snuggle up and snooze. Looks like someone has a few pounds to lose.
CocoPuff gets sweet nothings whispered into her ear.
Eli and Tigger keep the Neighborhood Watch staffed… let’s see… how much do cats sleep? Okay, barely 2 hours a day.
To the winner goes the spoils, to the loser goes the floor.
I didn’t realize that the infamous Meowers Of Death! (No comment on the use of ham as a bribe)
There’s more than a pair to behold among the animal family, where three’s not a crowd… it’s barely a quorum!
Then there’s the Seven Deadly Cats Of Mog. Because Eight is More Than Enough.
There’s always kittycats from The Holy Land.
Just in case you thought the DaVinci Code was dangerous for human souls, imagine the impact it has on cats with their nine lives!
Where will Mojo have her kittens? Don’t ask Zogby. They still think Kerry won.
Do your kids watch too much television? No? Then what about your cats?
Domo arigato, Mr. Gato, for defending America from interloper mice when Bush just wants to give them citizenship and the keys to the larder.
Boo demonstrates to Representative William Jefferson what the view from prison looks like.
The Top Ten Threats To National Security? Based on the slashes on my leg, I’d think it would be Nardo’s ten front claws.
Baby survives the New England Floods.
Pretty for Pretty‘s Sake
Does GK have what it takes to become the next James Bond?
Cornelius goes from a sprawl on the bed to whacking away at the keyboard for some late night web browsing.
Miss Marilyn swoons at the news that her favorite blogging cat is back.
Gracie rolls around in sun and shadow.
Is there any better cat than a sprawling Tux?
Butterscotch gets pretty, just for you!
Open the curtain to reveal that the blackness within isn’t just the shadow.
Well, I guess that’s enough links for today, so tune in nex-
Um… what’s with the knife?
Parts and Pieces Parts
Why don‘t cats use the Metric System? Because they‘d rather just use feet.
Boots shows off the perfect fuzzy tummy for his birthday.
Charlie shows off the perfect spray of whiskers for all to envy and emulate.
Is an Ego a cat-part? When it comes to Morris, it sure is. Or is Morris a part of the Ego?
The one thing scientists can’t seem to find is the voice of the cat. Uh huh. Ever get a tail in your face around mealtime?
Come in here, dear boy, have a cigar. You're gonna go far, fly high, You're never gonna die, you're gonna make it if you try; they're gonna love you.
How much is that kitty in the window? Since when did Gilmour write that one? Or was this a Syd Barrett special right before the meltdown?
Into the distance, a ribbon of black stretched to the point of no turning back. A flight of fancy on a windswept field, standing alone my senses reeled. A fatal attraction is holding me fast, how can I escape this irresistible grasp?
We dont need no education. We dont need no thought control. No dark sarcasm in the classroom. Teachers, leave those kids alone. Hey, teacher, leave those kids alone!
Yummy cats are grown fresh in the garden. Just be sure to wash off the dirt.
What’s the best time of the day for a cat? Beezer explains: it’s dinnertime!
How about some tasty possum, Kiri?
Izzy eats the drapes and Meowza devours the sun that soaks through.
Behold, the Power Of Cheese!
If you have a meal around Little Miss Blossom, be prepared to share.
You could always stuff the cat to fill a pie.
One cannot survive long on a diet of wire however.
No matter what you eat, be sure to brush afterwards.
Say a Hail Mary for Mary who didn’t make it.
Sierra is gone, commemorated with stamps. (I haven’t used my Edloe stamps because they were 37 cents, not the current 39. Yes, that’s the reason. It sure is.)
And we reach the end
Yawning so soon? I guess we need to give this one a rest.
Got corrections? Comments? Let me know. I’m game.
Also, if you participated this week and have a photo or three you want added to the Carnival of the Cats home page banner gallery, just send me the photos with the cat’s name and URL so I can add them and properly recognize them.
Future episodes of Carnival of the Cats can be found at the COTC home page, laid out like a pretty schedule table thing there.
First the Book... Then the Movie?
With all the talk of In My World™ fan-fiction (which is essentially fan-fiction of fan-fiction), I should mention that the editing for the first In My World™ book is done and I'm going to be focusing my free time on getting that out as soon as possible.
In Frank's World - Fan Fiction Round-up
The Order of the Blue Square has President Bush (who does NOT look fat in that suit) sending in the Marines. Or *a* Marine, as the case may be.
Morgnet follows Tony Snow as he gets initiated into the inner workings of the White House. Personally, I want to download the files on Bush's PDA.
The Moxargon Group is right - it IS fun being an illegal alien! Also, I had no idea that the White House had an official Oval Office poking stick. Hope Frank J. doesn't get one of those.
Fmragtops has Rummy taking a more "hands on" approach to troop training. Considering his deep and mystical understanding of the martial arts, I have to say that this would be a good thing in the real world, too.
Ya know, you guys are better at this than I thought you were gonna be.
Think maybe I should make a weekly carnival out of this?
Might help out with that "you guys never post anything on the weekend" problem.
Meanwhile, keep 'em coming and drop a link in the comments.
"What the heck is an aluminum falcon?"
weekend time wasters . . .
Frank's dream date . . .
May 19, 2006
NSA Monitors Instapundit
Since I firmly believe in watching the watchers, I've bugged the NSA office and overheard the following conversation between agents Jack Boot and Eve Drop regarding their efforts to analyze phone records from the major telecom companies:
JACK: This is ridiculous! I can't believe they actually expect us to sort through ten billion phone records! How are we supposed to find any patterns in this mess?
EVE: Unwad your panties, Jack, it's SIMPLE. All ya gotta do is just twist the data to fit your agenda and you can prove that ANYONE is evil.
JACK: Sorta like how the Democratic Underground trolls keep "proving" that Bush is Hitler?
EVE: Exactly... Here, let me pick a name at random and show you how it's done... AH! This Glenn Reynolds fellow will do...
JACK: Instapundit? But he's a right-wing warmonger! He doesn't fit the profile!
EVE: Look, strip-club-visiting muslims don't fit the profile either - except for the 9/11 hijackers! Ya gotta be willing to follow the evidence wherever it leads, even if you have to drag it kicking & screaming to get it there. Now, let's look at his phone records.
JACK: Here's a call to a "Mrs. Reynolds" in another city. Probably his mother.
EVE: AHA! Obviously calling to tell her goodbye before his terrorist suicide mission!
JACK: It was on Mother's Day. EVERYONE called their mother on Mother's Day... except NSA agents who had their mothers killed [gives Eve an accusatory glance]
EVE: She knew too much!... Anyway, that Reynolds is a crafty devil, timing his call like that so that we wouldn't be suspicious! Which is the most suspicious thing you can do.
JACK: Not as suspicious at THIS group of calls... must be a hundred of 'em to someone named HP. Who the heck is HP?
EVE: GOTTA be Hezbollah of Palestine! No other organization has those initials!
JACK: What about Hamas of Palestine?
EVE: That cagey BASTARD! Trying to throw us a curve with a dual-use acronym!
JACK: Either way, he's got terrorist connections. Now all we have to do is figure out where he plans to strike & how.
EVE: Hmmm... a call to Black & Decker... coffee maker division...
JACK: Of COURSE! He's going to use the timer from the coffee maker as a bomb trigger! It's the ONLY explanation! EVERYONE knows that obscenely rich best-selling authors normally only drink Starbucks coffee that's been hand-delivered by illegal Mexicans!
EVE: You mean Canadians - there are some jobs that are so demeaning that even Mexicans won't do them.
BOB McKENZIE: Here's yer coffee, eh? That'll be, like, 5 beers?
EVE: Here's a six-pack and a toque. Keep the change.
BOB McKENZIE: Beauty! I'm gonna take off, eh?
EVE: Yeah, get outta here, freak...Anyway, Jack, we know HOW he'll strike, but that information is useless unless we know the target...
JACK: Wait... I see a pattern here... he's called the Memphis Canine Rescue Shelter every day for the last... well... since the telephone was invented.
EVE: That MONSTER! Targeting innocent puppies! What sort of deranged freak would want to explode puppies into a thick - almost drinkable - liquid?
JACK: Who cares? All that matters is that we now have undeniable proof of his insidious plot! The evidence is rock solid! This one's a slam...
EVE: NSA Civilian Entrapment Project. Eve Drop speaking... uh huh... uh huh... oh... oh, I see... thank you...
JACK: ...DUNK! He's going down like a Kennedy driving an Oldsmobile into a lake!
EVE: Bad news. That was the Director. Seems that this phone number database we've been using is phony. BellSouth, AT&T, Verizon... they ALL deny giving us any information. Seems that only telecom that provided us with anything was Bell Alliance. We've been had.
JACK: DAMN! Now Reynolds is going to get away scott free! Just like a Kennedy driving an Oldsmobile into a lake!
EVE: Calm down, Jack... sooner or later, he'll make another mistake. We'll nail him eventually...
JACK: So... wanna hack into John Murtha's credit record and put in some unpaid escort service bills?
EVE: Jack, I *love* the way you think...
Looks like the Puppy Blender has once again eluded the long arm of the law... but the Alliance will be watching you, Reynolds.
It's NOT a Ripoff... It's An "Homage"
Things inspired by the Frank's "In My World" category:
* The New Chainik Hocker's story of Condi gone wild.
* A 2005 Rumsfeld press conference.
What else do you Frank Worlders have for fan fiction? Isn't ANYONE going to give Buck the Marine some foreigners to kill?
Nothing more dangerous than a Marine who ain't out kill'n stuff, ya know.
Carnival Of Comedy #55 is Up
The current Carnival of Comedy is at fmragtops. Its all presidential!
Why didn't I link to it yesterday when it was posted you might ask? Well I'll tell you.
Because...um...the NSA was wire tapping my...uhh...American Idol vote.....from my cell phone, before I
That's the ticket!
Now go link to the carnival, espacially if your works of teh funny are featured in it.
Since it's Friday, I thought I'd spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka "I-MEOW").
Sure, some of the IMAO bloggers have cats, but apparently I'm the only one of them drunk enough to think someone might remotely find this kind of thing interesting. I can quit any time! Don't pressure me! I'm chewing that special Stop Drinking gum stuff for it, man!
Anyway, it's time for Edloe the Shy:
If you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Edloe is... um...
Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.
You can find more examples of Friday catblogging by searching a blog search engine such as Technorati for "catblogging."
You can also find a roundup of catblogging posts at The Friday Ark, located at The Modulator blog. Then, when the weekend is nearly over, head over to The Carnival of the Catsat IMAO for more kitty goodness. There's also a Flikr Group called Furry Friday.
Add to that Weekend Catblogging at Eatstuff.
Anybody I miss?
IMAO Reader Challenge: Diagnose Kos
My off-hand guess is Irritiable Bowel Syndrome... but that's not covered by the DSM-IV.
May 18, 2006
We Need A Name For This Phenomenon
So... aside from The Rumsfeld Strangler, has anyone else been posting "In My World" fan fiction?
It makes Frank happy, as long as there's linkage giving IMAO credit for the inspiration.
Anyway, if you have an IMW fan fiction post, drop a link in the comments.
If you haven't been writing IMW fan fiction, get started. I mean, it's not like Frank is gonna get around to giving Buck the Marine a new mission anytime soon.
By the way... if Star Trek fans are called "Trekkies", then what are In My World fans called?
The final word on those America-hating Aztlan kooks
Saeb Erekat nails the coffin shut on the La Raza/Aztlan insanity:
"I don't think there is any parallel here because the U.S. does not occupy Mexican territory," said Palestinian lawmaker Saeb Erekat, who has led past peace negotiations.
Take that, you deranged Aztlan punks! The Palestinians are on America's side!
In your face!
Al Gore should want Global Warming, not worry about it
Q: Name three reasons why Al Gore should be in favor of climate change as a result Global Warming.
A1: Rising ocean levels would force the closure of the Guantanamo Bay military base and the processing of detainees. (Unless we start detaining them on cruise ships in International Waters, of course)
A2: Devastating coastal flooding of Florida would be sweet revenge for all that butterfly-ballot crap in 2000.
A3: In the ensuing collapse of civilization, Al Gore could wait for people to forget about the Internet, then re-invent the Internet. People would be too busy treading water to argue about it.
I, for one, am not worried. Very little will change, in my opinion.
After all, the 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea ride at Disneyworld realistically won't have to change, although they could borrow an asterisk from Barry Bonds for the signs:
20,000 Leagues* Under The Sea Submarine Ride
We'll deal with it.
In My World: Virtually Caring About Border Security
"Good job with your first press conference," President Bush told Tony Snow.
"Thanks. I found the best way to handle Helen Thomas was to spray her in the face with a water bottle every time she tried to speak. I figure if I keep it up, she'll learn not to talk at all."
"Maybe, but Ari Fleischer tried the same thing, but instead of spraying her with a water bottle, he clunked her on the head with a tire iron… and that still never took. There was one thing about your press conference I didn't like, though, and I think that was violating our first rule." Bush pointed to a sign on the wall.
Tony read the sign aloud. "'No matter what, never admit it's amnesty.'"
Bush looked at the sign. "Oh, I guess we changed the first rule. Anyway, it used to be 'There is no crying in this administration.' I don't care if you barely survived cancer, Snowman; I barely survived a pretzel, and I didn't cry... even though I really really wanted to. Anyway, it's time to appease the base." Bush walked over to a map of the world and whapped Mexico with a pointer. "I think the only way now is to invade Mexico."
"Invade Mexico? Well, I guess that will be easy with troops at the border."
"No, they'll expect that." Bush pointed to Guatemala. "We'll invade from here and they'll never see it coming." He thought for a moment. "So now I need a plan to invade Guatemala."
Condi stormed into the room and yanked away Bush's pointer. "Wars are for popular Presidents. You finish the ones you have and just work on border security."
"Ahh... border security is boring," Bush moaned. "Well, I guess I'll head to the border and work on the problem." He turned to Tony. "You tell everyone I'm doing a lot about illegal immigration and not to say bad things about me because the NSA will know... but don't admit we have an NSA spying program. Actually, deny we have an NSA."
"Uh... I'll come up with something to say."
"Yes, you say…" Bush marched off. "…I do."
* * * *
Attorney General Alberto Gonzales stood by the border wearing his Sombrero of Authority and matching poncho. Next to him was some high-tech gadgetry. Bush walked over to him. "What do we have here?"
"A virtual fence," Alberto said and handed goggles to Bush while taking a pair for himself. They both put them on, and Bush then saw in front of him a giant wall of pure concrete.
"Wow! When you wear these, it appears that we actually care about border security!" Bush exclaimed.
"All we have to do is get everyone to wear these and it's like we really have a fence," Alberto said. "We would also need to get Mexicans to wear these if we don't want them all running over here while we're admiring our virtual fence. But, if they do come in..." In the virtual world, Alberto pointed up at some butterflies flying over the fence. "…it won't look so bad. See, those butterflies are virtual representation of illegal immigrants crossing our borders."
"Wow! They're almost blocking out the sky!" Bush looked down and saw a newspaper on the ground. He picked it up and read it. "Cool! In this world, my approval rating is almost 40%!"
The good news disappeared as Alberto pulled off Bush's goggles. "I have something else to show you. If the virtual fence doesn't work, I hired a consultant for another option."
Standing near them was a tall, old, bearded man wearing a robe and holding a staff. "I am Gandalf the Gray," he said, "and I shall make you a magical fence."
"Yay!" Bush squealed. "I love magic."
Gandalf faced some Mexicans nearing the border. Gandalf then yelled, "You cannot pass! I am a servant of the Secret Fire, wielder of the Flame of Anor! The Dark Flame will not avail you, Flame of Udun. Go back to the shadow!" Gandalf struck the ground with his staff. "You… shall… not… pass!"
A rock struck Gandalf in the head, knocking him to the ground. The Mexicans then all ran over him.
"That could have gone better," Bush said. "Well, I guess this problem cannot be solved. Anyhoo, I'm hungry for some Mexican food. How about you, Speedy?"
"If you're paying," Alberto answered.
As they walked off, a thought struck Bush. "What if we made a real fence?"
Alberto slapped Bush across the back of his head. "That would lower property values, you stupid gringo!"
Pat Robertson says God told him that storms and tidal waves will possibly hit America this year (Possibly? So God is no better than your average meteorologist?). Quote the prophet:
"If I heard the Lord right about 2006, the coasts of America will be lashed by storms."
If you heard him right? Little tip here, Pat: When God talks, PAY ATTENTION! Don't let your mind wander to last rerun of JAG you saw when the Almighty grants you His time. Worse comes to worse, maybe you could at least ask Him to repeat Himself if you didn't get it the first time.
Wait, God is talking to me now...
So right in his dumb monkey face?
Got it. Later, Dude.
Gotta go, people; I'm on a mission from God.
May 17, 2006
Donald Rumsfeld's Blog (updated 5-18-06 9:15am)
Donald Rumsfeld was on the Hugh Hewitt show last week, and he mentioned blogs.
I hope that means he'll be starting one soon.
I mean, sure, he's done a great job as Secretary of Terrorizing Terrorists or whatever his title is, but he's also a great communicator and his talent is being wasted.
If nothing else, at least he wouldn't be a weepy little woman like Tony Snow.
Granted, it probably wouldn't be the BEST blog in the world - just lots of pictures of him strangling journalists and hippies and feeding their twisted corpses to Chomps - but I'll bet it would have a cool name, like maybe....
* The Only Good Terrorist Is A Dead Terrorist, and the World Needs More Good Terrorists
* Shut Up! I'm Trying to Hegemonize!
* Hand Grenades In The Podium And Other Keys To A Successful Press Conference
* What Good Is Having Nukes If We're Not Going To Use Them?
* I TOLD You Not To Listen To Colin Powell!
* I Don't Want To Beat You To Death With Your Own Press Credentials, But I Will If I Have To
* Invade Their Country and Steal Their Oil - Solutions To Illegal Immigration
* KILL! KILL! KILL! - The Rumsfeld Doctrine Explained
* You Say "Torturing Terrorists" Like It's a BAD Thing
* Five Point Palm Exploding Heart and Other Love Poems
* I Like You. I'll Kill You Last
* I Miss Napalm
* I'm Only Wearing Glasses So That My Eyes Don't Jump Out of My Head and Strangle You
* Pale Rider's Adventures In Apocalyptic Horsemanship
* Kittens, Puppies, Rainbows, and Other Irritants
* Remember When I Said I'd Kill You Last?... I Lied
Or maybe he'll just go with IMAO (Immolate Mutilate Annihilate Obliterate)
Any other guesses?
UPDATE: Apparently it's called The Rumsfeld Strangler
Let's ask the cats about building 370 miles of triple-layer fence on the US-Mexico border
Who cares what I think about building 370 miles of triple-layer fence on the US-Mexico border? It's time for a new feature of IMAO called Ask The Cats!
The Senate voted to build 370 miles of triple-layered fencing along the Mexican border Wednesday and clashed over citizenship for millions of men and women who live in the United States illegally.
What do you think about building 370 miles of triple-layer fence on the US-Mexico border?
Does your cat have an opinion on the subject? Then send the following to askthecats (at) isfullofcrap.com:
Carnival Of Comedy Reminder
The 55th Carnival of Comedy is tomorrow, May 18! Thursday! And it will be at fmragtops's place! Really!
An IMAO educational moment
What is it with Hollywood celebrities and their kids. When they're not dangling them off balconies, they're driving with them in their laps, or giving them fractured skulls.
Do you know what the problem is? I don't think anyone has ever told them about proper child care.
Here is a special IMAO educational moment.
Taking care of your kid!
This is good.The child is placed safely in his seat and he is facing to the rear. It is not the law, but it is recommended.
Let's look at some Bad things.. Common mistakes many of us can make without even know it.
Not good. Do you see how the child is unsecured? Most people would hardly notice, thinking that its some sort of trendy emblem. But no, most experts agree that children should not ride on the hood.
Let's look at this one.
Go NASCAR!!! But seriously, this is no place for a baby. Especially when it's nap time.
In conclusion, children are a precious gift. We should take care of them as best we can. Maybe even take them to the circus.
Oops. Remember, it is highly recommended (although it's not the LAW) that we keep children out of the lions cage.
This has been an IMAO educational moment.
Frank Advice to Skyrocket Bush's Approval Ratings
I've been hard on Bush lately, but I want him to succeed. I think he can get right up there in approval ratings while making America a greater and safer nation, but he needs to follow my advice.
First thing, lose the suit. Go with the cowboy hat and duster like Walker Texas Ranger. Always have a loaded peacemaker at your side and be chomping on a cigar for effect. Also, camera crews need to follow you around all the time so the American people can see you doing all this.
Anyway, here are a few specifics of what you can do. You can probably add to this, but I'd say do all of this as a minimum:
* First, put the Democrat politicians in their place. Put out your cigar on Harry Reid's face next time he speaks out. Tell Pelosi to shut up before the strain of talking causes her skull to shoot out her face. Ambush that nut Howard Dean while he is on a political talk show and repeat his moronic statements, each one followed by a punch to the face. Take a vial of pepper spray labeled "Holy Water" and throw it in Hillary's face while she's giving a speech. Have Cynthia McKinney dragged away to an insane asylum and threaten to do the same to anyone who voted for her. Bind Patrick Kennedy and put him in the front seat of a crash test car. Before hitting the button to slam him into a wall, tell him, "When the ambulance comes, say you were on the way to a vote." As for Big Fat Teddy K, next time he liquors up, put him in a car and then push it off a bridge saying, "Let's see if you can still swim, you fat bastard!"
* Next, take on the liberal moonbats. Just hunt down a few of the nuts like Kos and slap them around on camera so Americans see what a bunch of weenie little loons they are. Do the same with freak college professors in some random visits to different college campuses (start a contest students can enter called "Have the President Publicly Beat the Crap Out of My Liberal College Professor"). Just ignore Hollywood, because that's what hurts them the most.
* Now put Congress and spending in its place by freezing the assets of everyone in Congress just like you do terrorists until Congress can decided how to get federal spending under control. Beat with a chair the first person to suggest more taxes.
* Douse with gasoline and threaten with a match the next politician who tries to demagogue the gasoline costs issue. Have him weepingly explain to the camera as he begs for his life how gas prices are set and the many issues involved.
* Take all the available National Guard and lead them into march through Mexico to Vicente Fox's house. Smash it up a bit, take a few things you like, and, if Fox gets pissy, tell him that your just respecting the borders as much as he is and, if he likes to keep the status quo, he can expect more visits. Divert funding from welfare to buying arms for Minutemen.
* Kidnap Kofi Anan and have him battle John Bolton in a cage match. When Bolton emerges the victor, declare him new leader of the U.N. Let him clean house of illegitimate governments such as dictatorships and Communists. Throw France off the Security Council and instead give them their own special corner to cower in.
* Next time you meet with "President" Hu Jintao of China, after he finishes saying how great it is to have a meeting and how gracious you are, shoot him in the kneecaps and remark, "America never gets tired of shooting Communists, and we never will."
* Have a meeting with Hugo Chavez. As soon as he starts to talk, punch him in the throat. Then grab his head and start slamming it against a table until he agrees to face the cameras and admit he's "a dainty little girl."
* Meet with the Hamas leaders of the Palestinians.
HAMAS: We will not recognize the existence of Israel. That's our policy.
:: Bush pulls out a gun and shoots the Hamas leader in the head. ::
BUSH: I kill terrorists. That's my policy.
* Give the military full authorization to use whatever force it feels necessary in Iraq. If things spill over into Syria or Iran, well, you're "lax on border issues."
* As for Iran, tell them they better get moving on their nuclear program if they want to retaliate because you're going to nuke Tehran in three days. Then go on vacation for three days and be completely unreachable.
Now that is how you be a President. So take my advice, President Bush, and regain respect while setting example for future generations on to properly use violence to solve problems (I don’t want things too screwed up before I’m old enough to take office in 2016). Remember, when you scare everyone, the more so you scare our enemies.
Glad Syttende Mai!
Glad Syttende Mai til vår Norsk lesere! En dag av independance, frihet, og drukkenskap! Så har en pickled egg, lar ut deres Norsk Blå parrot, åpner en Dahls Pils og synger. . . Ja vi eslker dette landet!
Noe kommentarer er på norsk, eller de strøket.
Dog Bites Man, No News; Bear Bites Monkey...
Many readers e-mailed about how a bear killed and ate a monkey. Apparently the monkey stared at the bear with its dumb monkey face and the bear couldn't help but maul him. I am fully in support of this. Bears should be trained to kill and dispose of monkeys. There are many bears in America, and they can help eliminate monkey menaces hiding in forests. In the future, if you think you see a monkey, just alert your local bear. Only you and bears can prevent monkeys.
Book Reviews are Fun. Really!
In an attempt to increase our influence, we have reached into the bold world of book reviews.
Today's review: Help Mom, Hollywood is in My Hamper.
Disclosure stuff. This book was given to me by Active Christian Media (formerly known as blogs for books) as a gift from the publisher so that we could review it. No financial compensation was given for this review, even though I begged and begged.
Story: Help Mom is about two sisters: Janie and Sam. Hoping to buy a new bike, they choose babysitting as a means to generate more income. Along the way, Hollywood Stars keep popping up out of their hamper.Hence the title. These Stars try to separate Janie and Sam from their newly earned monies. Rayonna (get it?) Daisy Smears, and a few others show up offering the ultimate prize: an opportunity to buy Star-sponsored merchandise that is "all the rage." Momentarily awed by the cult of celebrity, the girls give in. They buy Onion perfume (it's all the rage), clown pants, and even wear cracked pots on their heads. Eventually, Janie and Sam come to their senses and realize the futility of chasing the latest trend and listening to the Hollywood Stars.
The good: I liked this book. I read the book to my seven year old daughter and she giggled through most of it. At this point, she understands some of the references, but not all of them. That's fine for now. What I appreciated most was the light hearted tone in exposing the silliness of chasing the latest trend or wanting to me "just like the stars."
The other day, Britney Spears introduced a new fragrance. My daughter and I jokingly wondered if it smelled like onions. It's a nice seed to plant in her young mind: Just because a celebrity says it's good, doesn't mean that it is!
The not so good. The pictures, although cutely drawn, are distracting. Remember MAD magazine when they'd spoof a film or TV show? You'd spend time looking at every detail examining each small gag. Same thing except not as many gags. I'm not sure young kids will understand a caricature of Jack Nicholson standing on a corner with a sign saying "Will act for Laker tickets." That's just me and a minor quibble.
Another pet peeve. This books talks about the people trying to influence our kids and the silliness of it all. You know who else is good at influencing kids? PARENTS! It would be nice to read a kids book that actually had parents giving their kids some direction. The parents play no role in this book but, again, a minor quibble.
That wraps up my book review which, by the way, will be coming out as a major motion picture one day soon. Check your local listings. It stars me and Rayonna.
If you'd like to review books for Active Christian Media, please visit their blog and get more details.
May 16, 2006
American Idol top 3
So it is down to three. Chris is gonna do way better, so we're all over him getting kicked off in favor of Katharine, who was almost as shocked as Chris was.
Well, I can see the cocaine and boob job crowd is out in full force tonight. No, I'm not talking about Paula. I'm talking about all those fake boobs in the front row.
3 songs from each tonight. 1 picked by the judges, 1 picked by Clive Davis, 1 picked by the contestant. This is the show where Clive or the judges or both can sabotage a contestant by picking the wrong song for the contestant.
Now here's the skinny: If the finals are Taylor / Katharine: Snore. Elliott / Katharine: Weird dream snore. Taylor / Elliott: Fun and interesting.
IDOLS 01, 04, 07... Elliott's Clive Davis pick is Journey's "Open Arms". Expect Randy to drop names. Clive says he wants Elliott to do a rock song. ? Ok, I guess, but this is one of Journey's most popish songs. Anyway, Elliott will do a fantastic job, I hope. And I was wrong. That was mediocre at best, with Elliott flatting a few notes and I'm pretty sure he messed up the chorus lyrics. He looks good, though, so he should be proud. /channeling Paula. RANDY: Yo, dude, I was like Journey's drummer for a while. SARAHK: No! RANDY: I wasn't sure about you doing this song, but you worked it out, dude! You need to take chances though! [Thanks for that advice so late in the game.] Journey rulz! PAULA: I'm so excited about tonight I could pee my pants! Pirates of Penzance! Best night ever! Mwah! SIMON: Any other night, I would rip you for that performance, but it will be an absolute disaster for the show if Katharine is in the finals, so I'll just say that you can do better. Please please please pretty please do better. Loosen up and believe you can be in the finals. SARAHK: Please please please do better. Pretty please. I'll vote for you anyway, but others might not. REWATCH: He was sharping the notes, not flatting them. But it was good, not great.
IDOLS 02, 05, 08... Clive picked R. Kelly's "I Believe I Can Fly" for Katharine. I think this will be a McWreck, thank you Clive. She'll either try to do too much and come across screechy, or she'll play safe and be boring. Boring or screechy. I'm McOut on Katharine, if you couldn't tell. Send her to Broadway to win some Tonies. Oh, the ridiculous facial expressions aren't enough, what is that weird flappy jerky arm move thingy? Anyway, it was screechy in parts, good in parts, and just McWeird all over. RANDY: Lemme start with you look great. You're not that great a singer yet. PAULA: What a great turquoise color on you! Um... um... this is so hard... Um... KAT: You guys have been really hard on me the past couple of weeks. SARAHK: That's because you haven't been good. RANDY: Song choice. KAT: I didn't pick it! SARAHK: Simon's gonna go against them and praise her. SIMON: Paula and Randy are unfair, I praise you. It was a bit of a moment for you. FRANK J.: How'd you know he was going to do that? SARAHK: If Paula and Randy are really mean, Simon always praises them to be the good guy. Plus that whole reverse psychology thing. Get everyone thinking she's safe so people won't vote for her. Anyway, Katharine, I didn't love it, but it was better than I expected. REWATCH: The screechy notes near the end were flat. Super-flat. And leave the woos to Taylor. Still stinking weird and not good. She tried way too hard to do her own thing. I'm just befuddled.
IDOLS 03, 06, 09... Clive picked Bruce's "Dancing in the Dark". THAT IS A SABOTAGING SONG IF EVER THERE WAS ONE. That's a boring song no matter who's singing it. That's just harsh, Clive. Bad form. And from the look on Taylor's face, it looks like he's not thrilled. But apparently, Clive had to personally call Bruce Springsteen for permission, so maybe Taylor's glad, I dunno. Taylor is doing as much with the song as he can. And he's dancing in the dark with Paula. The performance was as good as it could have been with such a boring song. RANDY: You have a good time! You're great! PAULA: Wish I'd worn the double-stick tape! I always have a great time with you! Bowchickabowwow. SIMON: You have 3 songs. It was ok, paled in comparison to the original. Paula, for someone your age, you were great. SARAHK: It was as good as it could have been, because the original is a boring, three-note song. REWATCH: The facial expressions were painful, but the song was as good as it could have been. Bad song choice.
1/4/7... Elliott's mayor from Richmond, Virginia, tells Elliott that Paula picked "What You Won't Do For Love" by Bobby Caldwell. Poor Elliott, that is just bad luck having Paula pick for you. She always picks crappy songs. Paula says Elliott is a funky, soulful white guy who's full of love. Elliott looks good. He's doing these weird jiggy arm movements. Apparently, Katharine's jerky disease is contagious. Anyway, he sings this one really well. RANDY: Good song, not your best performance. PAULA: You're great, soul patrol! SIMON: Didn't really like the song, but you sang it really well. SARAHK: Yeah, what Simon said. REWATCH: The hip-hop hand-waves seem out of place, but that's just him being loose. But it was great.
2/5/8... Katharine's mayor said Simon wants Kat to sing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow". Simon says ever since he first met her, he knew this was the perfect song for her. It starts out wonderful, maybe even amazing. A capella, she's on the floor (eye roll, good grief, girl, do you have legs? body thetans weighing you down? stand up!). She starts oversinging it right before the finale but drops it back a notch and brings it in very well. That was probably her best of the season and the best so far tonight. Elliott will have to really nail his last song if he wants to be in the finals. RANDY: Yo yo! Woo! Hot! Your best vocal ever! PAULA: Seal clap! Make that dolphin! SIMON: I knew you could do it! I'm glad for you tonight. That was the best to date. SARAHK: Almost killed it with the oversing, but yay, you saved yourself. Definitely your best performance yet. FRANK J.: It's like a pentagon with one more side! I forget what you call that. SARAHK: You know I finish typing faster if you're not talking. And it's a hexagon. (Talking about the logo for Bones, which the Tivo is paused on.) REWATCH: She looks so sad for someone dreaming about what she might see when she gets over the rainbow. Other than that and the oversing in the middle, it's still excellent.
3/6/9... Taylor's governor, who apparently taught Kellie Pickler to talk, says that Randy picked "You Are So Beautiful" by Joe Cocker. The others got mayors, and Taylor got a governor? That's discrimination! Against the Jew and the girl! Anyway, Taylor is trying to go for very subdued here, really trying to feel the words, but he's really trying too hard. So hard that he misses some of the notes. Not flat or sharp, just sings them so soft that they're not there. Then there's a really good woo high bit and he brings it home. Excellent. One of his best. RANDY: Yay! PAULA: Yay! SIMON: Far and away your best performance ever. TAYLOR: Soul Patrol! Simon's happy! Yay! SARAHK: Yay! REWATCH: Oustanding, especially the high falsetto stuff. That's how it's done. Still tried to hard on the emoting.
1/4/7... Elliott gets to pick his own song. Let's hope he's better at it than Paula. I've already voted for him ten times. Elliott is doing the Donny Hathaway version of Ray Charles's "I Believe to My Soul". I love this from the beginning. There's one bad vibrato spot, but I love the re-- Oh no, he didn't. He sang his own name into the song. Ok, other than that and the bad vibrato spot, it was great. RANDY: Bad song, you did great. PAULA: Not a great song, people can't connect, but no one can sing like you sing. You rip, you nail, you're funky and white. SIMON: Your songs are not going to carry you through to next week. But you're a great guy, you have a great voice, you're going to make your mum proud. SARAHK: I loved most of it. Let's hope Kat goes campy and everyone votes for you because Simon thinks they won't. I'm worried about you. Bad songs for Elliott tonight. REWATCH: I think I'm harder on everyone the first time around. This is why I rewatch. I can't wait to buy Elliott's first CD. This was great.
2/5/8... Katharine is singing "I Ain't Got Nothing but the Blues". Short, black, skimpy, cleavagey dress. Tall boots. Love the song, didn't care for the performance. RANDY: Ok. PAULA: Ok. SIMON: I wish "Over the Rainbow" had been your last song. It was ok. SARAHK: Meh. OTR was great, this was less than great. REWATCH: No change to what I said. Except that I wish I watched with my eyes closed?
3/6/9... Taylor is doing "Try a Little Tenderness" by Otis Redding for the Soul Patrol. This is the song he was going to do the love songs week, and the producers made him change his song 2 days before the competition because it wasn't technically a love song. Honestly, this is kinda messy, all over the place, the slow part is sloppy, the fast and Taylory part is spastic. Not my favorite Taylor performance. RANDY: Your new name is Have a Good Time Funky Taylor. PAULA: I've been waiting for you to sing this. And I'll be waiting for you later, wink wink. SIMON: Great song, great performance, hideous ending, see you next week. SARAHK: It was a'ight. But you win the night. REWATCH: Overdone but really good. You don't win the night. But you're the next American Idol.
Best song tonight: Kat's "Over the Rainbow". Worst: Kat's "I Believe I Can Weird SarahK Out".
My first order (changes on the rewatch):
The songs killed Elliott tonight. I think Elliott and Taylor will split Chris's votes, because Chris fans are bitter about Katharine knocking off Chris with her lousy performances. Chris's guy fans probably roll their eyes at Taylor and either drop off or vote for boobs. The girl fans want to scratch Katharine's eyes out. Not me, I'm way nicer than that. But honestly, I won't vote for her, because I really don't want to listen to a whole album of screechy Christina Aguilera type music. I want Katharine to be a huge Broadway star and win Tonies. I don't say Broadway in a negative way, it's just she fits there and not on pop stations. Taylor has the super-huge fan base, so he's automatically safe. Katharine had the best song of the night, but Taylor was the best overall. Elliott got mostly bad reviews, so that will motivate people to dial. Ugh, it's just so hard. Taylor's safe. Elliott and Katharine are the bottom two. :D If Katharine didn't have boobs, I'd say she's going home. Aw, heck, I'm saying it anyway. Katharine's gone, or next week will be a yawner.
Now to rewatch. AFTER THE REWATCH: I actually think Elliott's going home, but I'm still picking Katharine. So to clarify, I can't take credit for the prediction if Elliott goes home. AFTER THE REWATCH, MY ORDER CHANGED:
Nothing to See Here
I really like Best of the Web and read it every week day, but I've noticed how they've tended to ignore the whole immigration issue. Now that Bush gave a primetime speech making the topic impossible to avoid, they're pretty dismissive and glib about the critics.
How many other supporters of the President on immigration are left?
I'm tired of seeing wacko lefty moonbats calling President Bush "Chimpy McHitler." It's just stupid and has no bearing in reality. Hitler was never lax on border security, and chimpanzees are quite territorial.
PS: There is no Zionist Conspiracy
Okay, I'm done rendering up the movie of the plane hitting The Pentagon on 9/11. Looks beautiful.
I'd have had it sooner, but I kept having conflicts with the Logitech drivers the catcams use. Plus, there was that two weeks delay when you wanted me to remove Michael Moore's face from one of the windows, even though you'd requested that in the original specs.
You will not be charged for the additional labor and processing necessary to fix the name stenciled on the airliner. We apologize greatly for putting "United" on there when it should have read "American" but we did get the colors right.
It's a pretty big file. Do you want me to send it to you burned to a DVD, or do you want me to attach it to an email to your gmail box?
All hail ZOG,
cc: President George W. Bush, LFG Commander Charles Johnson, The Frozen Head Of Ariel Sharon, Doug Flutie
CNN Breaks News Story....
CNN on the cutting edge.
Once again CNN has trumped other news outlets. Last night, the C able News Network offered America a glimpse into secret inner workings of the Bush Administration.
Said an unidentified source, "We definitely have proof that President Bush rehearses his speeches." The network was able to show early footage of the President practicing the word Noo-kaa-ler and trying to say Guest Worker Program with a straight face.
This has triggered storm of rebuttals from White House Spokesman Tony Snow who replied, "That's right. He practiced his speech. So what?"
This type of response is typical of what CNN might expect of an adminiistration which orchestrates everything from false invasions to global warming to the pre-empting of Oprah Winfrey's Legends Ball.
A CNN spokesman commented, "We are shining the light of truth on this corrupt administration. Eventualy, we hope to catch President Bush picking his nose."
I Imagine a World Without Borders
An Editorial by Frank J.
Everyone seems to be so worried about our borders these days, and I'm like, "Chill, dude." Borders are a concept of ancient times when people were totally uncool and all wanted to kill each other. We've matured past such attitudes and should stop getting all bent out of shape over a few people sneaking into our country and instead focus on becoming a world with no borders.
"Mexicans just want to do the job Americans won't do, and, when we have their population at gunpoint, they'll also do the jobs they don't want to do."
First, lets get rid of all the border agents and tell the Minutemen to calm down and just have a barbecue or something. If Mexicans want to come over here, whatever. And, if we want to go to Mexico, that's cool too. And, if the Americans who come over happen to be armed soldiers who then terminate all the officials in the Mexican government, so what. Let's not "freak out" over it because "freaking out" is for people still hung up on the archaic concept of "borders." Mexicans just want to do the job Americans won't do, and, when we have their population at gunpoint, they'll also do the jobs they don't want to do for the promise of one meal a day and a cot to sleep on. Some might kick a soccer ball at us in protest, but soon everyone in Mexico will grow to love the idea of no borders... or else.
And let's stop pretending that our border with Canada means anything. Canadians really are just part of America, aren't they? If we want free maple syrup, then I'm sure they'll give us free maple syrup before we're forced to shoot them. Since we'll be part of one society with no borders, they'll be happy to get rid of their socialized health care to pay the "Because You're Canada" tax. They'll welcome the Americans who roam Quebec in mobs, burning down any building that has a sign in French, because you know what that is? It's progress.
But why keep this progressive concept of ending borders to our hemisphere? Know who has a big problem with borders? The Middle East. We can finally bring peace there by annulling all borders. There will be some resistance, and some bombs may have to be used - and some of those bombs may involve fission - but peace will triumph. Then the new borderless Middle East will mean cheap oil for all... and by all I mean America. The complications of the initial debordering may mean a lack of local labor for the oil pumping now, but we can get more labor from elsewhere like Europe, which has far too many borders. The French youth are always complaining about lack of work, but we'll have some nice 100 hour a week jobs getting us crude. No, there won't be paid over time. There might not even be paid regular time... but why focus on that when we're moving to a borderless utopia?
Eventually we'll have no borders, and the new American Empire will have nothing but peace for all, because anyone not being peaceful will be shot. Thus, everyone will be happy. And what's not to be happy about? No borders means no wars and no need for walls to limit us. There will be a heavily guarded wall around the Imperial Capital to keep intellectuals like me from having to interact with the common folk, but let's not split hairs. Anyway, I'll be busy designing robots to eventually do all the labor, and then the unskilled workers can be converted to robots fuel. That's the future we are heading towards, and nothing can stop it.
Unless, of course, you want to be a weenie and have enforceable borders.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as "More Work for Less Mexicans: Building a More Fuel-Efficient Robot" and "'Bah!', 'Feh!', and Other Great Responses to the Complaints of Common Folk".
I have to say, the dumb monkey face I want to punch the most is that of Senator Hagel. Anytime I see the mug of that moronic simian, I just want to punch the TV screen. Since I was at a hotel over the weekend and the TV wasn't mine, I did punch the TV on Sunday when Hagel's face appeared. It hurt a bit, but it was worth it.
So, who do you think has the dumbest monkey face that you want to punch the most?
Previously on IMAO...
Frank J. was accused of hostile humor. He responded by pointing out how all liberals have dumb monkey faces that need to be punched. This was hearlded as an insightful observation by most, but some secretly plotted against him...
May 15, 2006
It's only fair to provide a counter-example
President Bush provided an example of "an illegal immigrant making good" during his speech tonight:
On a visit to Bethesda Naval Hospital, Laura and I met a wounded Marine named Guadalupe Denogean. Master Gunnery Sergeant Denogean came to the United States from Mexico when he was a boy. He spent his summers picking crops with his family, and then he volunteered for the United States Marine Corps as soon as he was able. During the liberation of Iraq, Master Gunnery Sergeant Denogean was seriously injured. When asked if he had any requests, he made two a promotion for the corporal who helped rescue him and the chance to become an American citizen. And when this brave Marine raised his right hand, and swore an oath to become a citizen of the country he had defended for more than 26 years, I was honored to stand at his side.
An honorable and noble individual serving his country of choice, for certain. But here in Texas (a state that Bush occasionally helps clear brush from time to time), we have plenty of counter-examples to Master Gunnery Sergeant Denogean enjoying three squares a day, a cell in Huntsville, and the possibility of getting boo-hooed over by Danny Glover and Edward James Olmos worth considering.
This one strikes particularly close to home:
Florida Department of Corrections #73584 on a 20 year sentence for Burglary, vehicle theft, and aggravated assault (on an hispanic male with a knife), paroled 8/27/1985; FCI #35285-079 on 18 month sentence for Immigration Illegal Re-entry and False Representation to be a Citizen, discharged to detainer in 1987; FCI on 30 month sentence for False Statement to USINS and Use of Alias with Intent to Induce a Passport, discharged to detainer in 1991 to New Mexico State Prison; New Mexico State Prison #41648 on 18 month sentence for Residential Burglary, paroled 4/3/1993
Bounced around, passed around like a hot potato, catch-and-release, yadda yadda yadda.
And the end result?
On 12/17/1998 during the night in Houston, Resendiz killed an adult Hispanic female by beating her to death with a statuette from the victim's home. Resendiz had broken into the victim's house by going through an open door. Resendiz took the victim's cash and fled the scene in the victim's jeep. Resendiz is believed to have committed a series of murders throughout Texas and other states.
Barring interference from judges at various levels, we'll be sticking a needle in his arm in late June and shipping him back to Vicente Fox shortly afterwards.
How many more Railway Killers are in this nation's future when the floodgates are opened, President Bush?
24 Day 5 - 4:00 a.m.
Previously on 24, President Estrogen tried to shoot down Jack's plane, but they landed in time. Rico Suave helped Jack escape. Bierko got onto a transfer van where he will wreak havoc and escape. Mr. F, Bill, Chloe, and Jack worked together, and Chloe worked on the recording but didn't bother to copy that. Miles the Weasel decided to intervene and erased the recording to help the president. Jack kissed Audrey's knee when they reunited, SarahK vomited in massive quantities. Estro was just about to kill himself when Miles called him.
Mr. F, Jack and Bill go to meet Chloe in the situation room. Chloe has a T1 to the Attorney General, someone in the House, and someone in the Senate. Chloe realizes something's wrong with the recording that no one copied, ever, and they all freak out. Chloe finally remembers that Miles came into the room when she was working on the recording. And that's all Jack needs.
Jack makes a beeline for Weasel, and Mr. F tells security, kinda half-heartedly, "Security, stop him." Jack turns around and punches Security in the chest. Security falls. Security is having a bad day. Miles is gonna have one too. Jack grabs Miles by the throat and calls him a bad word. Mr. F tells Jack to let Miles go, and Mr. F asks where Miles is going (he was packing). He's been transferred. Mr. F asks where, and Jack says the White House. Mr. F slaps Miles. I was really hoping for some bullet action with Miles.
Estro calls Mr. F and asks what's up with the conference call with the Attorney General. "Oh nothing, it was a mistake, I... uh... wanted to ask who does his hair. He has such nice hair. But then Chloe told me who she uses, so I don't need to talk to him anymore." Estro tells Mr. F that the evidence he had on Jack turned out to be not so good, so she could let him go. She reminds him of the millions of dollars he wasted (on fuel alone) in order to bring in Jack. "Yeah, well, you know my staff. Unreliable little idiots they are. They were on crack with the evidence they gave me, so I changed my mind. No harm no foul." Mr. F has by this time sent Chloe to the basement to try to get the recording off the microchip in a way that their super-high-tech computers can't. Chloe says, "Yeah, ok, I hate these old Trash-80 computers. They're so worthless. But I did write a program that tells me hello whenever I hit Enter."
Jack tells Mr. F that Estro's letting him go because he knows he's won, and that Jack will be killed. Jack thinks it must be timed with something else. And then they get word that Bierko's van was ambushed. The one survivor says he overheard Bierko talking about having one last thing to do and said something about a nerve gas canister. Mr. F gets very serious and tells Bill that Chloe's in charge, and their first priority is finding Bierko.
Bierko's goon tells Bierko that they can't do much with one canister of nerve gas, and Bierko says yes they can. He dramatically rips off his bandage.
Back at the ranch, Marty is taking more drugs. She sees Aaron's cellphone on the mantle and picks it up and caresses it. She goes and finds an agent. She asks him to return Aaron's phone to him, you know, since he's been transferred to Washington. She gets a little weird.
Estro walks into a special room where they've been keeping Aaron and beating the crap out of him. Estro says he's sorry and sits down for a chit chat. How sweet. Estro tells Aaron he doesn't know what's going on. Aaron says, then you tell me. Estro says, the recording Jack told you about doesn't exist, and Aaron says, that's not what I've been told. Estro says he needs to know they can put this behind them. He says if Aaron says they're cool, he'll transfer Aaron anywhere he wants except the White House. Is that acceptable? Aaron says that there is nothing that the President has done or said today that is acceptable. "You're a traitor, and it's my duty to see that you're brought to justice. Is there anything else, Charles?" BOO! YAH! OWNED!
Estro and his agent walk out, and the agent tells Estro that Aaron will be a problem. Estro gives him the come out swinging signal with his eyes, and the guy goes back to Aaron's secret beating room.
Estro calls Halliburton and tells him that the situation is contained, that Marty is not going to be a problem, and Aaron is being taken care of. I'm hoping that Aaron is excaping and putting the hurt on that one guy.
Mike comes out looking for the pres frantic-like. Mike tells Estro that Bierko's escaped and talking nerve gas attack. Estro wants constant apprisal of progress. Copy that.
Mr. F and Jack ask Chloe about her progress. Chloe's looking, and Mr. F carries a HUGE one for Chloe. "Chloe, it's really important that we find that car Bierko's in." Chloe flips her off with, "I know." Jack and Bill confirm that they have nothing. Mr. F offers up Henderson and wants to offer Robo a deal. Jack brings up the obvious. "Um, he killed an ex-president and tried to kill the SecDef." Jack is very against the deal but would LOVE to be the one to present it. Please let me alone with him. Can I lock the door even?
Jack tells Robocop that the recording is gone and Bierko is setting up an attack. Jack tells him if he's a patriot he'll prove it. Jack says help me put out the fire that you started. Robo says, "It was always burning since the world's been turning." Robo asks if he's getting immunity. Tells Jack that even immunity will kill Robocop. He says there's these guys who will kill me. You can't touch them, but they can touch you. But Jack doesn't like being touched. Jack wants names and Bierko's head on a platter. Robo says, "But you didn't even dance for me. Dance, Salome, dance!" Robocop says that he doesn't want immunity. He wants to disappear out of the country with his wife and needs contacts, because all his contacts are loyal to Estrogen.
Jack wants Chloe working out of the situation room and gives her 14 priority names that Robocop gave her. Audrey walks down the hall, and Jack has to go to him. She heard about the recording and Bierko, because those docs in the sick bay are such gossipers. Audrey's not happy about Robocop being given immunity.
CONTINUITY ERROR? Um, I swear last week, Chloe was wearing a black sweater. I remember commenting that Chloe got to change clothes, and thank goodness. And now she's back in that sweater. Thank badness. ???
Chloe found only one name with an active cell, and Robo says he's an arms dealer. Half hour ago, the guy got a 12 second call. !!! Robocop says don't bring him in, you can't crack him. Robo says send me in to talk to Molina. He says you can't even get into his system, which is blah blah blah, and Chloe confirms that they can't get through that firewall. Jack says Robocop can't be trusted, and Mr. F says, that's why I'm sending you in with Robocop. Jack says he'll kill him if he has to.
Marty's outside for some nice breezy nicotine-filled air, and she sees a car pull up in a garage. Ooh, cars in garages, better check it out! So she goes over. Meanwhile, the unnamed agent comes out hauling Aaron and tells him to get into the trunk, which is covered in a sheet. Yeah, I'll get right on that. Aaron tries to reason with him, and Marty comes up to ask what's up. The guy points the gun at her, she's like really? Think you're gonna shoot the first lady? He starts calling Estrogen for permission, and Aaron kicks him. He kicks Aaron, they wrestle and the agent loses his gun, he hits him on the back of the head, Aaron's hurt, Marty gets the guy's gun and shoots the unnamed redshirt agent (don't worry, there's a suppressor on the gun!). Aaron is seriously injured, so Marty's panicking. Now y'all run off together to Mexico!
Previous Cop pulls a pretty gun on Robocop. Robocop tells him that CTU and Jack are there. He tells Previous Cop to secure his important files and trash everything else. Curtis and Jack move in right away, because you know, they've been listening. Robocop asks for Previous Cop's weapon, which is fully auto. They have a shootout. RICO SUAVE HAS BEEN HIT!! But he's so pretty! You can't shoot Rico Suave! Previous Cop has been shot in the hip. Robocop lets Jack in on what would have been the plan, which involved getting Molina to lift the firewall and segregate his important files. That's what I was assuming.
Jack sends Chloe the files, SarahK worries about Rico Suave, and Jack wants Previous Cop saved. Bill is very distraught that the very pretty Rico Suave has been shot. And has anyone found Wayne Palmer yet? Chloe found her sweater, surely someone can find Wayne!
Marty is dressing Aaron's wounds. Aaron tells her he needs to lay low, because the president needs to think Aaron's dead. Meanwhile, they have a dead body to hide. Marty wants to do it, but Aaron says to tell Mike to meet Aaron there so he can do it. He says they need to tell Mike everything. Marty wants Aaron's word that he'll find a way to live if Estro finds him. Because you know, I love you, my love. She doesn't say it, but you know she's thinking it.
Chloe hacks the files and finds that there's a schematic for a Russian sub that just happens to be docked in L.A. for inspection by the U.S. Navy, because part of the treaty is that we get to share technology with the Russians now. Now that Robocop has gained Jack's trust, Jack wants him uncuffed and all that so Robo can easily do bad stuff. Robo says that there are 12 spider missiles on the sub that could easily take out several city blocks.
Jack calls the sub from the helicopter and tells the sub commander about Bierko coming for his ship. He goes hunting, has Jack on the phone, and Bierko shoots the guy in charge. Then they drop a nerve gas canister into the sub to kill everyone. After a minute or so, Bierko and his men put on masks and go through the sub. Bierko enters codes they got from Molina and takes control of the weapons system. Bierkos men are loading the missiles.
On the next 24, which is a two-hour season finale, a bunch of crazy stuff happens, and Jack comes face to face with Estro and tells him he's gonna face justice the Jack Bauer way right now. Should be fun. Assuming Chloe figures out what she's supposed to wear.
I'm completely out on Bush
Done. Have been for quite a while. The border is my main issue, but there are others. So let's see what he's saying:
* National Guard will back up the Border Patrol by monitoring, watching, installing, and other such stuff. = National Guard will back up the Border Patrol by doing paperwork and watching TV.
* We're gonna have a high-tech fence. = (Virtual fence.) We're not gonna have a fence, we'll just draw a white line in chalk or lime and ask the illegals to pretty please stay on the other side of our "fence". Pretty please.
* I'll ask Congress for additional funding so we can end "Catch and Release" once and for all. = We'll have "Catch and Release" forever because I'm counting on Congress to never pass the law I "support".
* We need a temporary worker program = Amnesty.
* It is against the law to hire illegals, so we're going to have a foolproof ID card for immigrants. = Yeah, Congress won't pass that one either, so we're gonna yell at employers who hire illegals. We might even send them a letter.
* Amnesty is wrong. I oppose it. But let's not send anyone home. That's not amnesty, what I'm describing. = Amnesty is the only way! Yay amnesty!
* Some illegal people have been here a long time. It would be bad to send them home and uproot their illegal roots. They have families. Let them stay. = Amnesty for those who have been sucking money from our society without paying into it for the longest time. They deserve amnesty! Yay!
Congratulations, Mr. President. You are now officially a really bad President in my eyes. But I'll still call you President Bush out of respect.
Rove Indicted Roundup!!!!
ROVE indicted! What? You haven't heard, possibly due to the Bush regime's ordered news blackout??
Well, it's so completely and absolutely TRUE!
Doubtful? Wizbang has the photoshopic truth! See? You just can't fake that. That's his FACE, man! Those are the police! I thought the story couldn't get any truer but it has.
Also now we're all getting our very own unicorn!!!!
****THIS JUST IN!!!!! ***
Bush to be impeached then convicted and finally deported ALL LIVE tonight during his immigration speech!!!!!
THIS ALSO JUST IN!!!!!
Al Gore to be INSTALLED AS PRESIDENT!!!! Right after he invents a car that runs on rainbows, moonbeams and failed cable TV programming.
Set your Tivo!
Dick Cheney's Rejected War On Terror Strategies
Lacking any real news, the New York Times is reporting that Dick Cheney suggested warrantless wire-taps of purely domestic phone calls. Apparently the Bush administration is now guilty of things it DIDN'T do, too.
Here are some of the other Cheney suggestions that got shot down:
* Having Americans prove their loyalty by getting a Mohammed cartoon tattooed on their ass.
* Guess what would have formed Mohammed's mouth?
* If this one ever does pass, I'm already compliant.
* No one allowed on a plane without an official "NOT A TERRORIST" hand stamp.
* Bush should use his connections with God to cause a plague of locusts to descend on terrorist training camps.
* And San Francisco.
* No one who owns a red light saber will be allowed to learn the ways of the Force.
* No left-handed sword-fighting unless you are, indeed, left-handed.
* Anyone who can make that "ULULULULULULU!" sound will be relocated to a highly flammable building in Waco.
* Random pop-culture quizzes with questions like "Who won the World Series?", "How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?", and "What celestial body does Frank J. advocate nuking?"
* Arrest anyone wearing any form of turban, especially hot, naked women just stepping out of the shower.
If you've gotten wind of any of his other rejected schemes, let me know.
Why not just walk down the street and knock on Fidel's door?
Ireland may be enjoying stellar economic growth and seen as one of the best places in the world to live, but its inhabitants are apparently also the globe's loneliest.
So what does this Google Trend say of the people of Havana, Cuba?
So let's have a little fun with the thing and search for Weapons Of Mass Destruction by region:
By Reuters' logic, does this mean that we should be invading Johannesburg and Cape Town because they seem to be looking to obtain results in their searches for Weapons Of Mass Destruction? (I knew they never really gave up their nuclear program! Damn that warmonger Mandela, ordering his wipe to develop atomic-powered flaming tires to murder his political enemies!)
It's what's for breakfast.
Speaking of coffee. I'm going for another cup.
What gets YOU going in the morning?
Update: The comments have degraded into a Mt Dew vs Coffee flame war. Join now!
May 14, 2006
May 13, 2006
The IMAO "World's Crappiest Mother" Mother's Day Poll
In honor of Mother's Day tomorrow, we'd like to honor the fine and outstanding mothers of the world by taking the time to identify the crappiest mothers out there.
I asked my own readers for nominations, and I've compiled the following candidates:
Want to learn more about the candidates?
There's an "Other" option in case you know of an even crappier mother out there. Like that woman who keeps chasing football players around with a bowl of Chunky soup. Man, she's annoying.
So don't forget to vote, and be sure to tune in tomorrow when I crown the World's Crappiest Mother in honor of Mother's Day.
(Yes, fans of Michael Newdow, there will be a World's Crappiest Father for Father's Day)
May 12, 2006
Thanks for proving that there is limitless humor in punching liberals in their dumb monkey faces. Anyhoo, SarahK and I are having a little vacation. We won't be gone long, but, until we're back, here's a little question to discuss amongst yourselves:
What could Bush possibly say on Monday to get you to trust him on the issue of illegal immigration?
"I would just like to announce that I spoke with President Vicente Fox, and I then punched him in his dumb monkey face for not doing enough to control his own borders."
Punching... Monkeys... Faces... Liberals...
I have the day off and I don't feel like posting anything today, so write in the comments your own funny little rant that includes punching a liberal in his dumb monkey face. It'll be easy because everything involving punching liberals in their dumb monkey faces is funny.
Friday Open Line Just Like on RUSH!
The NSA is wiretapping illegal aliens who are trying to cover up Patrick Kennedy's failed attempt to run over and thus end Barry Bonds run at the HR record because it's an illegal war for high oil prices, but he supports the troops.
Speak truth to power right here!
Since it's Friday, I thought I'd spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka "I-MEOW").
Sure, some of the IMAO bloggers have cats, but apparently I'm the only one of them willing to risk condemnation from anti-Meowites by catblogging. On Friday. The holiest day of the week.
Anyway, it's time for Nardo the Sneaky:
If you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Nardo is... um...
Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.
May 11, 2006
What would the NSA learn about me if they tapped my phone and monitored my phone records...
TOP TEN THINGS THE NSA WOULD LEARN FROM MY PHONE RECORDS AND RECORDED CONVERSATIONS:
9. I wait until the last minute to refill my Vytorin prescription at Wallgreens every time. You'd think I'd just use the online system.
8. I do a really bad Elvis impression. People tell me it's good, but they'd probably hear them hit the Mute button and make gagging noises.
7. I complain about my ringtone a lot. When will they ever get Zevon's "Werewolves Of London" in the list?
6. My favorite strategy in getting rid of a caller is "My battery is running low, can I call you back?" and then I never call them back. And when they call me back, I just let voicemail catch it.
5. Two times a day, they'd hear this:
FRANKJ: "Hey, Lair."
4. I should call my grandmother more often.
3. When I tell my mother I just tried calling my grandmother but I got a busy signal or didn't have the number handy, I'm full of crap.
2. I don't quite match the "70 year-old lefthanded lesbian Filipino astronaut" profile I keep telling Zogby when they poll me every so often, but then Zogby just makes their numbers up anyway.
1. Half of the time, I have absolutely no idea what I'm talking about. The other half of the time, I've got a weak connection and they can't hear me. So, I have to repeat myself, and they find out for certain that I have no idea what I'm talking about.
Shirts, Newsletters, and Whatnot
I should get to writing another newsletter soon. Operation Chicken Little didn't seem to be a big success, so what kind of secret and cool stuff do you want in the newsletter?
Also, I'll put out some new shirt designs soon. I'll probably do more slogan shirts. One reader suggested: "The only way to stop fascism is through an informed populace and well-armed United States Marines... but mainly just the Marines." That comes from one of my famous letters to the Limey. If there's some other thing I wrote you think is shirt worthy, make sure to mention it. I'll probably also make a shirt to warn liberals that you will punch them in their dumb monkey faces.
In other shirt news, the 101st Fighting Keyboardist shirt should be coming soon.
Anyway, continue to buy stuff so I get money.
Frank Guide to Foreigners on How Not to Anger Americans
Some people are making a guide on how Americans should act so foreigners will like them. That is so stupid. Americans are powerful, armed, and have short attention spans and even shorter tempers; foreigners should be much more concerned with angering us. If we get mad enough, we'll just call up our Congressman and have your country nuked. So, as a service to foreigners, here is:
A FRANK GUIDE TO NOT ANGERING AMERICANS
* Learn English. We're the most powerful country in the world, so you better be fluent in English just in case you ever one day run into an American or just want to know what we're saying about you... if anything. We don't have time to learn all your different silly little languages, so just learn ours. Also, if you’re begging a Marine to spare your life, it's much more effective if he can understand you.
* Don't localize your McDonalds. The last thing Americans want is to go to a McDonalds in some foreign country and find that their Big Macs taste weird because you foreigners like it cooked some strange way. Learn to like things the way Americans make them. Do serve beer at McDonalds, though.
* Don't insult the American President. I don't care if Jimmy Carter gets a second term; only Americans get to make fun of the American President. To you foreigners, he should be treated as a revered, God-like figure since he can, at anytime, order your puny country bombed.
* Have hat racks. Americans need someplace to hang their cowboy hats when entering an establishment. If an American finds no place to hang his cowboy hat, he may just pull out a gun and shoot you... and he'd be fully justified.
* Don't be French. I don't care if you live in France; it's unacceptable to Americans for you to be French. Fake an Italian accent or something. Even if it's not very good, we'll appreciate the effort.
* Don't comment on our foreign policy. If you wanted your opinion to matter, you shouldn't have been foreign. Just say that you like everything America is doing. We won't actually expect you to know everything America is doing, though, because we don't expect that of ourselves.
* Give us free stuff. The only reason your country is safe is because of America, so give Americans free stuff to show your appreciation. An American might even reward you with a story about American hero Jack Bauer if you're extra good.
* If an American tells you to do something, then do it immediately. Usually we'll just ask that you dance for our amusement.
* Accept American currency. We don't want to carry around your fruity colored currency, so just take our dollars and figure out what to do with them yourself.
* No sudden arm movements. We're trigger-happy, so don't give us cause.
Did I miss anything? Also, what do you international IMAO readers do to keep from angering Americans?
Carnival Of Comedy Reminder
The Carnival of Comedy Today! will be at Dr Phat Tony's. I forgot the reminder. So here it is!
I added dates to the schedule! No more doing calender math in your head!
I Wish Someone Was Out to Get You
With the news of NSA keeping phone logs of domestic calls, the moonbats are all paranoid. Seriously, though, calm down guys. You muckadoos shouldn't worry a thing, because no one cares to hear anything you guys say other than other moonbats (and the occasional conservative like me looking for a laugh). If I found out the NSA was spying on you guys, I'd demand an investigation because that would be a huge waste of taxpayer dollars.
What you guys should worry about are actual threats... like getting punched in your dumb monkey faces.
Where have all the cowboys gone?
Not only does President Bush have low approval numbers, but everyone in Washington is hated now. And why? Because they suck!
You hear about how the federal government is tipping off the Mexican government about the Minutemen? I really hope that's some rumor blown out of proportion, because now it seems like the Bush administration is just trying to piss conservatives off. Maybe Bush just got tired of angering the moonbats - all he has to do is sneeze and they call him "Hitler!" - so he's going for the full monty and destroying all support. Anyway, this sounds bad. Not only is the federal government failing to do its job, it's stopping Americans from getting it done. One of the biggest principles of America is that the people can do whatever our government fails at. That's why gun rights are so essential; you can't expect a police officer to magically appear when you're in trouble, so you have the ability to handle threats yourself. Self-reliance is what America is about, and the government working against self-reliance is double-plus ungood.
Back to my point (if I had one), there is no one to root for in politics right now. Where does that leave us heading into the 2006 elections? You dislike both sides, but you can't send them both a message because one of them will be elected.
Maybe the Libertarian Party can finally get some politicians elected nationally.
Seriously, though, I think the only option is to vote Democrat. Democrat gains in 2006 is the kick in the pants the GOP needs to get things together for 2008. So, hold your nose and vote Democrat, says Frank J. You can always punch them in their dumb monkey faces later.
I won't though; my rep is Dave Weldon who is a solid conservative and never has a viable opponent. Also, it might be Kathleen Harris running for Senate, and she won't stand a chance so I might as well vote for her to just piss off the moonbats.
But, everyone else, vote Democrat. I don't see another option; do you?
In other news, at least Arizona is forming posses to handle illegal immigration. I've always said that what this country needs is more posses.
Gather Around Me
I've been cross-posting some articles at Gather.com in attempt to reach more people and make more money. At least, I should have more of a chance there to get some liberal opinions on pieces and maybe get some debate.
Anyway, I made a Political Humor group you can post to, and I'll try my best to actually read stuff written there and critique it. Writing political humor isn't as easy or painfully hard as I make it look.
UPDATE: BTW, I need an image to represent my Political Humor group. Any idea what that should be?
No, Really, It's JUST a Commercial
[Author's Note: The following is mostly a technical analysis of TV commercial humor and is not specifically a humor piece itself, so read it at your own peril. However, hilarity may ensue in the comments if offended feminists start dropping by.]
Via Right Wing Nation, I found an offended feminist complaining about this Carl's Jr. commercial wherein Dr. 90210 recommends breast augmentation... the punchline being that he's talking to a chicken, and chicken sandwiches are what's being advertised. But yon offended feminist claims that it's not "just a commercial"
It's not "just" anything. It's an ideological piece of propaganda designed to justify two things: the annihilation of chicken's lives and the annihilation of the human female's self esteem.
(continued in extended entry)
Here's what the commercial is designed to do:
Sell chicken sandwiches.
But what the hell does a cosmetic surgeon have to do with food?
Here's the deal - prior to about 1950 or so, advertisements took the direct approach. They told people why a product was good and asked them to buy it. Maybe they threw in a jingle to help folks remember the product's name.
But somewhere in the early 50's, marketing researchers discovered that listing the features and asking for the sale wasn't necessary. Just the jingle. Because people don't choose which products to buy for logical reasons, they buy them for emotional ones, and make up the logical ones afterwards to justify it.
Ultimately resulting in marketers designing ad campaigns that went straight for the emotions.
The way they do this is to spend the bulk of the commercial using sensory stimuli designed to put you into a particular emotional state - usually a positive one - and then telling you what they want you to buy in the hopes that the product will become associated in your mind with the positive state.
Does this mean that every time you pass a Carl's Jr., you'll slam on the brakes and zombie-shuffle into the store to buy a chicken sandwich?
But if you're hungry and you're driving around and you see a Carl's Jr. sign, when you ask yourself "should I stop here?", a quick mental Googling of your inner database will turn up a response of "I've heard of Carl's Jr. and my general feelings toward it are more or less positive".
You may stop at Carl's Jr., you may not. But the commercial upped the odds somewhat.
But why would Carl's Jr. advocate murdering chickens and demeaning women in an attempt to make people feel good?
It was a joke. It was funny. Here's why:
In order for something to be funny, it needs both truth and exaggeration. If it's only exaggeration, it's just a lie. If it has only truth, it's a physics textbook. You need both.
However, if you don't have any truth handy, a popularly accepted stereotype will work almost as well, since a stereotype is something that's true for a significant portion - but not all - of a given group of people.
In this case, the stereotype is that women are insecure about their physical appearance, and some will seek to correct that through breast augmentation. The exaggeration is that this would apply to a chicken.
Throw in a pun on the word "breast" and you have humor. Which is designed to make you laugh so that you feel good so that you'll associate Carl's Jr. with that good feeling and stop into one of their restaurants to spend your money which they'll spend on more funny commercials.
Thus completing the Circle of Corporate Life.
The next logical "offended feminist" question is, "But doesn't it say something about the corporation that they chose to joke about women's breasts instead of, say, professional football, like in those nice Creepy-the-King burger commercials?"
Probably not. It's more likely that it's just what came off the top of the ad agency's head that morning.
As a self-described humor writer, I know how the creative process works, and it's something like this: you pick a topic, you free-associate some facts & stereotypes, and when you find one that takes you off on an unexpected tangent, you make a punch line out of it.
In this case, Mr. Ad Man had to make a chicken joke; thought about feathers, beaks, eggs, farms, and roosters before the idea of breasts; then - knowing "sex sells" - connected it to human female breasts, and eventually decided to use breast augmentation surgery as the segue between the two.
A joke was made, people laughed, a commercial was produced, and chicken sandwiches were sold by the ton.
Except to offended feminists, who will never go to Carl's Jr. ever again, on the assinine assumption that Mr. Ad Man's first thought was "How can I demean women today?" and not "How can I make a joke about chicken?"
But that's how it goes with humor. When you use stereotypes instead of truth, the joke will fail for the people to whom the stereotype does not apply. One man's funny is another feminist's annihilation propaganda. So when you write, the best you can do is aim for the bulk of your target audience, ignore the offended, and hope that next time you have to write a joke, the truth or stereotype you base your humor on is more universal.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go assuage my hunger with a Carl's Jr. chicken breast sandwich.
Heh. I said "breast"
I Don't Read Column A or Column B
John Hawkins has a list of bloggers favorite columnists. I didn't participate in this poll because I just don't have the attention span for writing a column. The columnist I'm closest to reading regularly is Jonah Goldberg, but I still plan on stealing his job. And, as you can tell from my lack of proofreading, I don't even read my own stuff.
A Comment on Comments
You may not know it since I don't respond too often, but I do read every single comment to my posts since they get e-mailed to me. Lately, I've noticed some comments that are mean to me. That's not good. I'm very sensitive, and, if I don't get constant encouragement, I'm going to break down and eat ice cream until I'm fat. At my weight, it will take a long time until I'm fat, so that means a long time without posts. And, when I'm fat, I'll have to be one of those funny fat guys, but that's not really my thing. Plus, those people tend to die.
So, comment people, you police the comments. If someone is mean to me, you tell him "No!" and make him write nice comments to make me happy. Otherwise I'm just going to cry and write posts about what the cats are doing, and none of us want that.
News! + Doodles! = Newdles!!
RWD: Hello, I'm Rightwingduck and I'm bringing you the news.
SM: Hello, I'm spacemonkey and I'm bringing you some doodles.
Yay, It's magic. It's magic.
Magician David Blaine stunned the world by staying submerged underwater for seven days.
All that time underwater left Mr. Blaine wrinkled, withered and pruny. People say, "How can that be magic?" I disagree. It's not easy going in looking like David Blaine and coming out looking like Helen Thomas.
A person can stay underwater for seven days? Wow, if Ted Kennedy had known that, he might have stood a chance at becoming president.
Future Kennedy cars will have a standard safety feature: A chauffeur.
Times have changed. In the movie, Hasselhoff doesn't get the girl, but KITT does makes out with the GPS system.
The original proposed title was; "Old guy with a really cool car."
Heh. Heh. Old guys.
President Bush is in Florida promoting the new Medicare Prescription Drug benefit.
Maybe if he could get more seniors on drugs, he'd get them to approve of him.
Dubya's playing dirty pool. Every person he meets he hugs yelling, "Grandpa I love you."
Even the ladies.
In other Hollywood news, we're hearing talk that Ashlee Simpson had a nose job. True. They're saying that she had a bump removed from her nose. I think it's a good decision. That bump on her nose was starting to distract from her lip synching.
Star Jones might be leaving her morning slot at The View. Rumor has it the chatty talk show will try to replace her with Rosie O' Donnell. That's what the show needs – another loud mouthed, opinionated talker involved in a homosexual relationship. Why did they even bother to make a change? I could simply take the picture on the screen and adjust the brightness level.
RWD: (Playing with contrast knobs). "White chick. Dark chick. White chick. Dark chick."
Some people say he's using 'roids to help him get the record, i say if the burning and itching help him hit it better, who cares?
If he DOES break the record, he'll be assured a spot in the Baseball Hall of Fame, provided they ever build a Pharmacology wing.
Barry's been a pro for a long, long time. But, I can still remember back when he was playing in the pharma leagues.
Hey, Barry and Dubya have something in common: They're both selling the benefits of a good drug plan.
Ok, that's the newdles, it's spacemonkey's name for it. Spacemonkey and I want to know what you liked but really we want to know what you loved!
May 10, 2006
American Idol top 4 results
I don't have a good feeling. I really think Chris is gone. Oh, but seriously. ALIAS DETOUR! I'm gonna get all caught up on my ALIAS snarkage real soon, because tonight's episode is possibly the most snarkworthy EVER!!! (No, wait. Blowback from Season 3 can't ever be beat, truth be told.) GHOST OF NADIA, THANK YOU J.J., I'M IN SNARKER'S HEAVEN! Can you tell what we just watched?
LOL, the Ford commercial ("Wonderful World", our wedding last dance) reminds me of last week's ALIAS, which I really need to snark, because the blatant Ford commercial where Nadia asked Jack about getting the Hybrid was even more blatant a Ford commercial than the Blowback one with the F-150 and the blue Focus. It's so hilarious that I remember the cars (colors and everything!), so Ford is getting its money's worth. Anyway, this AI commercial stunk.
Oh no. They're doing a group medley. Of Elvis songs. Quick, turn off the amp! Nuh-uh. Go Kat Go, and she's dancing all by herself on stage. I was already nauseous from my migraine meds. And Taylor has his Cap'n Tightpants on. And my goodness, Katharine. I'm starting to think she caught Taylor's manic dance fever, and is there an artist who jumps up and down constantly? Because she caught that disease too. 'NSYNC. She caught the J.C. Jumps. Poor girl.
Oh my goodness, that Rebecca Romijn thing where she requested "Jailhouse Rock" from Taylor. So staged. Taylor totally just got jiggy with Elliott's mama. He owes Elliott dinner for that one.
Top two and bottom two. Chris/Katherine and Elliott/Taylor. Which is which? You know what Frank said? "Oh, if Taylor and Elliott are top two, then Dial Idol got it right again." Ummmmmm. I don't have any machines doing my work for me, so it's WAY more impressive that I predicted it. That was all my smirts. No engineering involved. Thank you, I rock.
And Chris and Katharine are the bottom two. And Chris is going home, and the whole room is shocked.
Not me, because America has sucked so bad this season. Hello, Kellie Pickler got past Mandisa. Gedeon went home way before Scrappy Doo. How is Chris going before Katharine surprising?
Oh, about Katharine. Listen, I have big boobs too. Ok, average but as big as Katharine's. In fact, I looked down tonight and went, "Wow, my boobs are big," and Frank said, "Yes they are." One of the great things about having a Dove body. Does that mean I'm more talented than Chris? Uh no. But you don't see me up there in the top 3. Of course, I'll be 30 soon, so I'm too old, but anyway. Yeehaw. What was I saying?
But listen. This is absolutely the best thing that could have happened to Chris. Why is he gone? Truly, why is he gone? Because he kept having to do pop. His fans want him to do what he does best, which is definitely not pop. When has he been in the bottom? Never when he rocked the house. Anyway, if he puts out an AI album, you know they're gonna make him do pop, just like Bo. This way he'll be able to do his style of music. Unless AI puts out his album anyway. Plus I rilly don't think he's gonna be stuck out with no music career. Bands will be calling, which is great, but he has his own band, and now they have all that 35 million strong publicity.
So I'm glad he's out. I'm dancing to "Bad Day" as much as I did when Kellie's gig was finally up, because this is gonna be so much better for him and for music fans. Whee!
But if Katharine isn't gone next week (if you can't tell, I'm totally out on her), I won't Whee.
A Better Sentence for Moussaoui
Some folks are upset that terrorist scumbag Zacarias Moussaoui didn't get the death penalty.
Personally, I don't think he deserved death. I mean, he didn't actually DO anything, right? As the great philosopher Sideshow Bob once said, "Attempted murder? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel prize for attempted chemistry?"
Me, I think Moussaoui should become America's new symbol of Justice.
By which I mean he should be blindfolded, have a sword and scales placed in his outstretched hands, be encased in concrete, and placed in front of the US District Court in Alexandria Virginia.
The pigeons will take care of the rest.
In My World: The Least Hated
[UPDATE: Now with spooky ending!]
A horn honked outside the White House. "Hey! Bush!"
President Bush stuck his head out the window. "What?"
"I hate you!" The man sped off down the street.
Bush collapsed in his office chair. "Aww... everyone hates me."
"Why are you talking to me?" Condoleezza Rice asked. "I don't like you!" She left the Oval Office.
The hooded figure of Karl Rove emerged from the shadows. "I have good news."
"It better not be about how you saved money on car insurance because mine just went up since my insurer hate me."
"No. The news I bring is about the popularity of Congress. It is at an all time low." Rove handed a sheet of polling data to Bush.
"Wow! Despite polling the low thirties, I'm the most popular politician in Washington!" Bush turned to Rove. "I guess the American people just hate all politicians now. Maybe it's time for some bi-partisan action."
"Muh ha ha ha!" Rove disappeared back into the shadows.
Bush chuckled. "Rover sure is a jovial fella. Anyway, it's time to make America love politicians."
* * * *
"Nothing says love like a carnival!" Bush exclaimed. "And, with a carnival run by politicians, people will love us again."
Cheney just grumbled.
"You have to have a better spirit than that," Bush said. "And I thought I told you to not bring a shotgun; people are going to be afraid that you're gonna shoot 'em in the face."
Cheney rubbed his shotgun. "Maybe they should be afraid."
Bush turned to check on the Democrats. Nancy Pelosi's skin was stretched back so that her teeth were bared. The site made Bush recoil in horror, and nearby children screamed and ran away. "What are you doing?" Bush demanded.
"I'm smiling," Pelosi answered.
"Then don't ever smile again. We're trying to make people like us, not give them nightmares. Don't make me regret including you Democrats." Bush looked to Harry Reid. "So how are things going with you, Dingy Harry?"
"I keep trying to make the kids balloon animals, but they kick me in the groin."
"Yeah, kids will do that... to you."
"There are those stupid politicians!" a man shouted. A crowd then headed over to Bush, Cheney, Pelosi, and Reid.
"What are you going to do about illegal immigration?" one woman demanded.
"I'll tell you what I won't do," Bush said, "Amnesty. I may do something that seems like amnesty and goes along with any standard definition of amnesty and everyone will call it amnesty... but it's not amnesty because we have a different name for it."
"The most important thing about Mexican immigrants," Reid stated, "is getting them registered to vote."
"And we have to make sure ballots are in Spanish," Pelosi added.
Cheney waved his shotgun around. "I shoot Mexicans in the face!"
"This man has a plan," the woman said, pointing to Cheney. "I like him better but hate you three goobers."
"So what are you politicians going to do about trial lawyers bankrupting everyone?" one man asked.
"You shouldn't be angry at trial lawyers," Reid said. "They sue everyone to make a better America. And, no one is more charitable than them."
"That's true," Bush stated. "They sure give the Democrats a lot of money, and you couldn't find a bigger group of pathetic losers in need of charity than the Democrats."
"I shot a trial lawyer in the face with my shotgun," Cheney said, "and he was a friend of mine. Think of what I'll do to the rest of them!"
"You're the only one here who seems to know what he's doing," the man said to Cheney.
"I hate quails," another person said. "Are any of you going to do something about them?"
"I kill quails with my shotgun," Cheney answered.
Bush hit Cheney in the shoulder. "Dick! You and your shotgun better stop hogging all the popularity."
"People, don't just follow the gun-wielding maniac," Pelosi told the crowd. "We Democrats care about you." The skin on her face stretched back again.
"Why is she baring her teeth like that?" one guy asked. "Is she going to eat us?"
"That's her smiling," Bush said. He then thought for a moment. "For five bucks, you can hit her in the face with a pie."
"I did not agree to any--" Pelosi was shut up when a pie struck her in the face.
* * * *
"The new polls are in!" Bush exclaimed with glee. "The carnival worked! I'm up one point!"
"That could just be a statistically insignificant fluctuation in the polls," Laura Bush said.
"Well, this is for real." Bush held up a wad of cash. "I made this money letting people hit Nancy Pelosi in the face with a pie. Plus, I think I learned something: popularity doesn't matter when you have money and power."
"Well, I'm quite popular," Laura said. "The only people who don't like me are the craziest moonbats. Maybe I can bake them cookies."
"You can't ever get them to like you; they even hate themselves."
A horn honked outside the White House. "Hey! Bush!"
President Bush stuck his head out the window. "What?"
"I'm ambivalent about you!" The man sped off down the street.
In this contest, Freedom loses
A few months ago I opened up a contest to guess the 47 members of the new United Nations Human Rights Council. The winner gets IMAO-embossed M&M's. (And no, SarahK, M&M does not stand for Michelle Malkin!)
Well, the electors have elected...
"My mustache trembles with rage."
And results are in.
Master Shake: 4
The winner of the contest is Mike with 26 out of 47!
However, with Saudia Arabia, China, and Cuba on the panel, everybody loses.
Well, except for the catering contractor. Unless their insurance doesn't cover stolen tableware.
Vote for the Greater of Two Evils!
So what are some ideas for the Democrat's slogan for 2006? Here are mine:
* Elect us, and we promise to finally come up with an agenda... and it will be good!
* If you give us power, we'll whine a lot less.
* Assaulting police officers, ramming barricades... who knows what wackiness your congressional Dems will do next!
* You only get to find out our secret plans if we get elected.
* If Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid are in charge, the terrorists will decide that America is too pointless to attack.
* Felons and dead people love us, why don't you?
* You've see us Democrat politicians! We don't have job skills for any real work! Please, we have family and mistresses to feed!
Whatever their slogan is, they better make sure to have a Spanish translation (or, more likely, they'll need an English translation).
Put your own ideas in the comments!
A Present For the Manly Men Out There - UPDATED 12:45 PM
What should you eat while you're driving your SUV through a crowd of hippies?
Why, the Burger King Texas Double Whopper, of course.
I'm praying that this will lead to a series of commercials that will be replacing those creepy-the-King ads.
[via Lynn of A Sweet, Familiar Dissonance]
UPDATE 12:45PM - Note to offended vegetarian women: the commercial is funny because it exaggerates a stereotype of men. It's just a freakin' commercial, and NOT a personal attack designed by the cannibalistic carnivorous patriarchal hegemony. Please try to relax.
Maybe this short cinematic work featuring the plight of an oppressed agrarian cultivator will soothe your tattered nerves.
May 09, 2006
American Idol 5 top 4
The God and the American Idol Producers Hate SarahK Edition
Ryan should keep his hands out of his pants pockets tonight, because the hands in the pocket are making his suit give him boobies. For reals.
Anyway, I suspect tonight will be one of the biggest beatings of my life, ranking right up there with the night Frank beat me silly because I forgot to have his dinner ready when he got home from work and my great bike crash of 2002 that left me scarred, bruised for 6 months, and battered.
For the two of you who don't know, I can't change the station fast enough if I hear Elvis on the radio. Especially slow songs. Gag me with a spork.
Tommy Motolla is helping. I can't show respect for someone who married Mariah Carey.
Did I say that out loud? I'll have to remember to go back and erase that. Such a great producer. Not the best judgment. Lemme ask. Does Priscilla Presley still live at Graceland? With all the tourists coming and going? I hope her house is decorated like that for the tourists and not by personal choice.
Say, we just spent the last 15 minutes watching Sydney jump around on the plant ledge, which is a 4 foot jump from the crow's nest for her. Then I took pictures of Syd and Minerva and Rowdi. Way more exciting than Elvis night.
IDOLS 01 and IDOLS 05... Taylor will be singing "Jailhouse Rock". If he manages to make this boring and safe, I'll be out on him. Ok, not boring and safe, but not exciting. Great vocals but more on the mic later. What was up with him taking out the earpieces in the middle of the song? I guess he didn't want to hear himself any more. Hmm, it wasn't dull. The dancing was funish. But Taylor needs to be conscious of his mic placement. Usually when he's throwing around the mic or missing kicking over the mic stand or throwing away his earpiece or moving side to side or walking or not walking, he misses the mic. It's not bad sound, it's only Taylor. He's either too far from the mic or he forgets it's there. Of course, they have 2 mics, and I don't know the purpose of the teeny lapel mic. Anyway, mind your mic, Taylor. Randy: You're hot tonight. Paula: I'm drunk tonight and I LOVE YOUUUUU! You look fantastic!! Simon: Let's finally get real, it was KaraoKe with a capital K. SarahK: Meh. Not boring, not standout. You get an F for choosing an Elvis song. Ryan accuses Simon of hardly living in the real world because Simon's so rich. I'm sure that Casey Kasem gig and the radio show and the E! show and the American Idol gig have Ryan living in the ghetto with Kenny. REWATCH: Soul Patrol! If you didn't hear me say it, maybe you heard Taylor one of the 47 times he said it. Way better on the dancing than Katharine. He doesn't enunciate so well, but that could be the mic thing. Earpiece flying all over the place. It was good but nothing spectacular. Why don't they ever let Simon speak? And I love it when he tells Paula to shut up. Everyone should do that now and then.
IDOLS 02 and IDOLS 06... Chris wears boxer briefs, for any concerned. Ryan is a little uncomfy with that, because he was really hoping for tighty whiteys. He is singing "Suspicious Minds", his all-time favorite Elvis song. You know what's my all-time favorite Elvis song? The Sound of Silence. Chris's future's so bright he's gotta wear shades on stage. He looks good, I like his clothes. That's about the only good I can say about this performance. He sounds very pop on this. And it's about as blah as I've ever seen Chris. Randy: Sensitive, kinda nice, not my favorite, kinda nice. Paula: See you in the finals. Simon: Other than the sunglasses it worked. SarahK: I liked the sunglasses, and that's about it. You get an F for choosing an Elvis song. REWATCH: Just nothing stands out. They're dumbing him down, and I don't care for it.
IDOLS 03 and IDOLS 07... Elliott. Tommy Motolla said to him, "Don't Jew up that song." At least that's how I would translate "Don't make it sound like a bar mitzvah song." Wow. He took it well, though. Elliott is singing "I Can Dream", which Paula says Simon says is the song Elvis used to close his shows. He lost his key when he got lost in a cloud but immediately picked it back up and saved himself. Other than that one note that made my migraine worse, it was outstanding. Tilt your head down, though, when you're doing the big notes. Trust me, just do it. Randy: Great, dawg. Paula: Gibbledy gook, waka waka, you've evolved, your best ever. Simon: Obscure song, great job. SarahK: Hard to beat that. You get an A for making an Elvis song sound good. REWATCH: I'm trying like mad to vote for him and have gotten a million busy signals. And it was the best of the night on the rewatch too.
IDOLS 04 and IDOLS 08... Katharine is singing "Hound Dog" and "All Shook Up", because apparently there were 3 Elvis songs she wanted to do. Strike 1. She looks great, I love the washed out jeans and the grey top. Ok, there's one mediocre note... I hate the switching back and forth, and oh my goodness, did she try and fail at the hip jiggle Elvis is way too famous for? !!! She forgot her lyrics!!! Bad Katharine. The stage performance is yuck, but the vocals are actually surprisingly great. You know. When she remembered to sing. Randy: Yo, you forgot your lyrics. Paula: But you played it off smart by turning your back to the audience. Simon: Manic, very audition-for-musical-y. Shrieky. Shreiky? Don't feel like looking it up. I think it's ie. SarahK: Paula, the audience is smart enough to know she forgot her lyrics. But the guys were probably distracted by the butt shot, so maybe it worked. I don't know, you'd have to ask a guy. Anyway, she gets an F- for singing not just one but two Elvis songs. REWATCH: The failing Elvis hip dance is just sad. There are times she just really looks tired. She does a big dance number and then stands almost completely still for a few seconds. Vocals are good but not as good as the first time.
01/05... Taylor's second song is "In The Ghetto". I'm sorry, but I can't hear the title or think of this song without cracking up and thinking of Cartman singing it. "In the Ghetto-o-o-o-o-o..." LOL, I won't be able to judge this one fairly. BTW, why does Taylor always squirm like he has to pee when he's sitting? Oh, funny, Frank freeze framed it, and Ryan's hand was on Taylor's shoulder, and Taylor has this look on his face like "He better get his !@#$ hands off of me NOW!" Ok, I'm trying hard to listen, but I keep busting out in giggle fits every time he says "In the ghetto...". Anyway, awesome Taylor, no dancing, yay, and wow, it's high and mighty. Randy: Right key, right song, hot hot hot. Paula: You know I love you. Simon: Much better, welcome to next week. SarahK: Bravo. He gets a B- (F for picking an Elvis song, A+ on the singing of it, B for making me get too giggly to listen). REWATCH: 2nd best performance of the night, behind Elliott's "I Can Dream". UPDATE: See below, this drops to 3rd best of the night.
02/06... Chris is singing "A Little Less Conversation". The sexy factor in this one is off the charts, and that might be the only thing that saves him. No wait, that ending is the other thing that saves him. Great ending. The rest was blah, but I guess he needed to build up. Randy: Hot dawg. Or is that hot, dawg. Paula: Yay. Simon: I liked the first one better. SarahK: The first one didn't even have a good ending. A+ on the sexy, F for picking an Elvis song. I liked you better when you were a so-called one trick pony. REWATCH: I guess I missed the Cap'n Tightpantsyness the first time around, but it's still good. This is better the 2nd time around. The whole package is there. And I love that ending.
03/07... Elliott is singing "Trouble". I really like when he wears jeans with boots and a sport coat / blazer / whatever the cool kids call it these days. It's a good look for him. Ok, y'all, Elliott is owning everyone else tonight. Pwning, as the cool kids inexplicably say. Seriously, what's with replacing the O with the P? Or am I missing something? Anyway, Elliott rules and gets 10 votes from me. Randy: Yo yo!! Paula: Seal clap! Arm wave! Elliott plus Paula equals LUV 4EVER! Simon: You deserve to go through to the next round. Came out fighting. SarahK: Elliott is the best tonight hands down. A++ for making another Elvis song sound not like Elvis. See you in the finals. REWATCH: I still can't get through on his line. I should have called earlier. I changed my mind. This one is almost as good as his first one and better than "In the Ghetto". Hooray for Elliott! I'm so glad he's finally killin' on stage. And I liked when Ryan implied Paula's a stripper. That was classy!
04/08... Katharine's second song is... oh yes, I suspected she would do this... It'll be hard to ever vote for Katharine again. I think the only Elvis song I hate more than "Can't Help Falling in Love" is "Blue Christmas". Ugh, the outfit. Kellie Pickler meets Paris Bennett meets a tax accountant. Song starts beautifully. After the beginning, I'm out. And at the end, she really has nothing left, it's like she's sung her last note. Dun-dun-dunnnnnnn. Randy: Yo, pitchy, no air left at the end. Paula: I have no idea what she said. Shoes! I love the shoes! Simon: You're in trouble, it started beautifully (I said that!), it was over the top, you picked bad songs tonight. REWATCH: Not better the 2nd time.
Bottom 2: Chris, Katharine. Going home: This one's hard. I think it should be Katharine, but Chris was really bland tonight, and the judges picking on Katharine will garner her a few extra votes. The sunglasses on Chris will have a few guys not voting. Paris's votes probably go to Kat or Elliott... So I predict Chris is gone before his time. But I've already decided. The finals should be Elliott and Taylor. Now I have to go do the rewatch.
UPDATE: Since it's almost 1, and I can't get through on Elliott's line, I'm not voting for Taylor or Chris either. Ok, maybe Chris because I don't want him to get stuck behind Kat. Can't get through on his line either.
Reason I Hate Liberals #34,685
What's with the moonbats who seem to just search for sites to yell at? I mean, trolls add a bit of flavor to the comments, but it just seems so pointless to the troll. Who are these angry people looking for places to type about how wacky angry they are? Why do they come here? I can just see them furrowing their brows on their monkey faces as they try and fail to understand the humor at IMAO, and then they start flinging poo.
Stupid monkey-faced liberals who need punchings.
And Let's Hopefully Speak of This No More
I think this is a very good summation of the whole Colbert kerfuffle (I think it's funny this digby character weighs in - the same one who got his panties in a bunch over a couple of right-wing t-shirts; who died a horrible death and made him lord of humor?).
UPDATE: Since one of my readers was mean to him, here's what Jim Treacher (who is not both a homosexual and a liberal as far as I know) thought about Colbert.
Crack Suicide Squad...ATTACK!
BAGHDAD, Iraq – An explosion occurred in a building within the Sheik Abdel Kader mosque compound at approximately 6 p.m. May 7 in Rusafa, a neighborhood of east Baghdad.
The Coalition of the Willing congratulates the disassembled airborne parts of these psychotic Islamofacsists on successfully chlorinating the Arab gene pool, and wishes them many similar successes in the future.
Meanwhile, the Al-Qaida threat level in Iraq has been downgraded from "nuisance" to "annoyance", despite the Al-Qaida leadership's evaluation of the Iraq contingent as "without any organized military capabilities", which is actually a step up from last year's grade of "inept clods clumsily overcompensating for their inadequate genitalia".
You'll laugh. You'll cry. But you'll keep your money.
Someone posted the classic Star Wars spoof Hardware Wars to Google Video.
How long before the Copyright Gestapo strikes it down and Senator Orrin Hatch blows up their computer?
SHORT SHAMEFUL CONFESSION:
Sometimes the Fight Is the Point
I'm never good at fitting in bad news with the humor on this site, but Andrea Clark passed away. At least she died peacefully and with people fighting for her.
If you want more cheerful news, John Hawkins has a list of the liberal "netroots" agenda he got from Atrios. I wonder if one day the moonbats will realize what a silly little bubble they live in.
Totally True Tidbits About Australia
As Frank J. briefly mentioned, Australia was actually Britain's first attempt at a penal colony. What he didn't mention was that they stopped using it once they discovered that it was a lot cheaper to ship people off to Ireland and just steal their potatoes until they got so depressed that they emigrated to America and became crooked cops. Frank also forgot to mention these other:
* Australia is sometimes referred to as the "island continent". This is not exactly true, as it is actually connected to Asia by a series of underwater tunnels constructed by Aquaman prior to starting his so-called crime-fighting "career".
* Australia was originally a British penal colony for exiled thieves and murderers. It is not to be confused with France, which was originally a British penal colony for the cowardly and annoying.
* Australia eventually outgrew its shady past and evolved into a modern civilized nation. France has yet to make that particular leap.
* The basic unit of Australian currency is giant cans of beer, which explains why Australian men have gargantuan arm muscles.
* Australia is known for its vast, wooly herds of opals.
* It's also known for its many sheep mining operations.
* The kangaroo is a pouched marsupial native to Australia. Most women own them for storage purposes, since purses are illegal in Australia.
* Rabbits are considered a pest in Australia. Although somewhat cute and fuzzy, they tend to wander the country in packs, destroying everything in sight, and pooping everywhere with no respect for property rights, much like American hippies.
* The central portion of Australia is a dry, barren wasteland containing nothing of interest. Think of it as the real-world equivalent of an "Air America" broadcast day.
* The Prime Minister of Australia is John Howard, and not, as most Americans assume, Steve Irwin. The confusion IS understandable, since Howard keeps a pair of crocodiles chained to the throne of terrorist skulls upon which he sits.
* Contrary to a popular American stereotype, most Australians do NOT wear hats decorated with crocodile teeth or sell Subarus. That was just a phase Paul Hogan went through before he found Goth.
* Dingoes are wild dogs native to Australia, and shouldn't be confused with Ding-Dongs, which have less hair, and more cream filling.
* Koala bears, also native to Australia, may look cute and cuddly, but they are actually very dangerous. If you see one, don't make any sudden moves - just give him your wallet and hope he doesn't hurt you.
* Australians are strong, loyal, trustworthy, and fierce fighters. If for some unimaginable reason you don't own a gun, consider carrying an Australian in your holster instead.
* A platypus is an odd-looking creature that appears to be a cross between a duck and a beaver. They live primarily in water and to confuse biologists.
* Ayers' Rock is an incredibly huge rock that... well... it... um... that is... er... uh... anyway, it's really big, so don't make it angry.
* But the best thing about Australians is that they have a great sense of humor. Even if some stupid American comes along and pokes a little good-natured fun at them they'll just laugh and [WHACK!] OW! MY NOSE!
Completely off-topic, does anyone know how to extract a giant can of beer from your sinus cavity?
Thank God It's a Two-Party System
Kos had his readers come up with a Republican slogan for the 2006 election. I didn't read any, because I figured they would be asinine, but why don't we give it a shot:
* "Because your only other choice is the Democrats."
* "We admit it; we have a culture of corruption. Help reelect us, and we'll cut you in."
* "No, seriously, are you actually considering to vote for a Democrat?"
* "Who needs a slogan; Dieblold will rig things for us."
* "Come on; we could burn down your house and still be a million times better choice than the Democrats."
* "We've gotten so fat and lazy with our power, we're not even going to bother with a slogan."
* "Whoever came up with the phrase 'lesser of two evils' is a genius."
* "Oh yeah... we do have to motivate you to the polls somehow. How about you elect us, and we'll consider doing something about illegal immigration?"
What's your idea for the 2006 Republican slogan (we'll do the Dems later). Put it in the comments, yo!
May 08, 2006
24 Day 5 - 3:00 a.m.
Previously on 24, President Estro is crazy insane. Chloe double-tasered an annoying guy in a bar, where she is helping Jack remotely. Bill was taken into custody so it doesn't look like F is helping Bill and Chloe. F's henchman, Miles the Weasel, called Mike Novick to tell him that he doesn't think F is doing a good job. Estro's totally awesome crazy insane wife who's not actually crazy insane downed a bunch of pills with a bunch of wine and called Estro, who basically hung up on his wife, because he's a pinkytoehead. That's not to call him a little blonde, that's... well nevermind. Jack got Robocop's recording and is trying to land the plane. Halliburton told Estro to shoot down the plane that Jack Bauer is on. And they captured Bierko, who's been absent several episodes.
The copilot is complaining about his broken nose. Jack calls F and tells her they'll land in 21 minutes, just in time for the 2nd commercial break. Jack, of course, asks about Audrey. They decide they'll get a team to head off law enforcement when the plane lands.
Rico Suave comes in and tells Audrey he just saved 15% on his car insurance by switching to GEICO. Oh yeah, the other good news is that Daddy the PitBull survived the car crash. The hospital called, Daddy's in ICU but expected to pull through. Rico says he's well-protected, but you know how that goes. Rico's looking suspicious? Maybe he's just anemic, I don't know.
F tasks Rico Suave to get Jack and bring him back to CTU before Estro's men get to him. Copy that.
Halliburton Howard tells Estro that they'll make it look like there's a hijacking in progress on the plane so they can shoot it down. "All you need to do is appear to struggle with the ethics of shooting down the plane and then make the decision." Estro appears to struggle with the ethics of being evil and tells Halliburton Howard to proceed.
F and Bill are going over logistics, and Weasel hears them talking about great evidence that implicates Estro, and Miles asks F what's going on. She tells him it's need to know, and he can need to know it later.
Mike Novick tells Estro that the plane has sent out a hijacking distress call to the FAA, and the FAA has picked it up. Supposedly the plane's gonna be used to target installations on the ground. Boy, I can call them. I called it out loud, I just didn't type it. Estro asks an air force admiral what they do, and he says we have to shoot it down with our scrambled F-18. Estro appears to struggle with the ethics of shooting down the plane, and Mike says no, I just don't think Jack Bauer would do that. The admiral is like, Jack Bauer is stressed out. Mike's like, I don't know why this is happening, but Jack wouldn't do that. The admiral's like, we're out of time because the plane's over the desert now but will be over L.A. county soon, and I'm like, it's just Hollywood, who cares? (My sister-in-law and Frank's other relatives excluded.) And the president says do it! And Mike's like, No! And Estro's like, I have spoken! COPY THAT!
F gets word about the distress signal and tells Jack that an F-18 has been scrambled. He's like, "Shoot us down?" and the copilot is going, "I just took the recording in exchange for a free breakfast at IHOP next week, it so wasn't worth it!"
Jack wants to talk to the F-18 pilot so he can work his Bauer Power Magical Speak, and Bill tells him they're on a coded frequency. *whistle* Chloe? Jack tells the copilot they have to land right now this second or they'll die. The copilot says there's no where to land for a hundred miles, and Jack tells Bill to find him a stretch of freeway a mile long (give or take 280 feet) they can land on. SarahK says, "Yeah, they've got martial law, they can do that." The copilot says, "We can't land on the freeway." Jack says, "It's late, there's a curfew, we can do that." Frank says, "That's what you just said!" and I say copy that, I'm smirt. Copilot moves over and at Jack's orders handcuffs himself to the wheel. You know, just in case he was planning on using that commercial jetliner ejection seat. Don't forget to use the seat cushion as a floatation device if needed. Copy that.
Weasel sees Chloe coming in (F and Bill brought her in). F and Bill ask Chloe to do some technical stuff so they know exactly how long Jack has. Bill finds a freeway, but Copilot whines that it's not long enough. Jack says either the copilot can try, or Jack will try to land it. Copilot caves, because he doesn't know if Jack has flight credentials and doesn't want to risk the safety of the passengers. Because he cares.
Chloe pulls up the radar for the F-18 that she's hacked into, and they've got about 5 minutes. 15 miles. Eep. They bring the plane down hard, the oxygen masks drop, and the flight attendant carries a whole bunch of ones for the passengers. "Put the oxygen masks on!" Copy that! Also heard ya in the pre-flight lecture! They have trouble pulling out of their major nose dive, and Jack helps out. The admiral tells Estro that the plane is landing, and Estro starts throwing a tantrum and saying, shoot it down! And the admiral says, "But... um... he's uh... landing? Which means not using the plane as a missile." "Shoot it down!" And Mike's like, "Wha? They're not a threat, doofy! What is your deal? I IMPLORE you to reconsider!" Finally Estro caves but yells loudly about sending Marines in the area to take Jack Bauer down. COPY THAT!
Then the plane landing commences, and SarahK just about has a heart attack. Seriously, where is my sphygmomanometer? And who named that thing anyway? Some guy with a deadly blood pressure disease named Sphygmoman? Hey, that's a cool super-hero name. Blood pressure threatening you? Systolic trying to kill you?? Send out the Cuff Signal and call Sphygmo Man!
What was I saying? Oh yes. Just in time for the 2nd commercial break (really, I rule on this predicting thing), Jack and copilot land the plane. Copilot says, "It's too fast!" Jack says, "Do it!" The passengers get super-jostled, I hope they're ok. The plane comes within a TV-tray's distance of hitting an overpass but stops just in time.
Bill tells Jack that Curtis is coming to meet him. Jack says, "Oh yeah, the copilot's attached to the plane, so don't forget to collect him." Copy that. The passengers all flee, Jack yells at them to continue fleeing, and he opens one of the emergency exits to escape out the side, next to those engines that have already stopped moving (and did they even reverse?). Beep boop, commercial. BTW, that was a huge budget scene. At least it looked like it.
Halliburton tells Estro he screwed up and should have shot down the plane. Copy that. Estro says But the Marines will fix it all! Which yes, they would, but Rico Suave was special forces or something.
Jack calls Rico to tell him that the Marines are swarming, and Curtis is driving in. Jack goes to meet him with his JackSack. Rico says a Jack Bauer phrase when they get stopped by the Marines. Jack tells Rico to talk his way out of it. Rico says, I'm not gonna show you my ID, I have to get Jack Bauer before he escapes. We're all on the same team, yo. "Now if you really want to fire on a Federal agent, that's on your head. My head is driving on away from you." I heart Rico Suave. Anyway, so the dumb Marine (I'm not saying Marines are dumb, I'm saying this one is dumb and should have checked IDs) lets them go, and Rico talks to Bill. Bill says that Estro has to be behind this, and Rico says, "There's construction on the freeway. I'll take the surface streets," which is the ALIAS way of saying, "I'll take the backroads." Copy that.
Miles calls F's cell to ask what's going on, and Miles says, "But you're working with two people under arrest. You tell me now." F is going to tell him. Personally, I think they should hold him in the situation room at gunpoint and not let him out until Estro is dead or at Camp Despair.
The blonde chick who doesn't have a name that I can remember watches Miles leave to go talk to F, whom I'm now back to calling MR. F, since she didn't take Miles into the situation room and hold him at gunpoint. Mr. F tells him what's up, Miles says you're crazy, she says this is why I didn't tell you, and here comes blonde chick, who is obviously a mole. I think Miles is gonna kill Mr. F. The blonde chick gives Mr. F a message about Bierko being ready for transfer, and Miles promises not to tell anyone what Mr. F told him. Right. No one but Mike Novick or President Estrogen.
Mr. F tells Bierko he's being transferred to district holding and tells the men to let her know the second he arrives. Yeah, so that means he won't actually arrive.
Bierko nods at the driver of his van. So cliche.
Estro is looking for Novick, and Novick walks in to tell Estro that the Marine field commander doesn't have Bauer after sweeping the perimeter. Bauer got away. Copy that. Estro gets crazy eyes. Novick tries to reassure the President, who gets menacing eyes and turns away. He tells Mike he needs some time alone. "BTW, can you bring me my wife's pills and some wine to down them with? I'd love to kill myself precisely at this moment."
Estro's cell is ringing, and he's not picking up. If only he knew that it was Miles.
Jack comes in to CTU and gives the recording to Chloe. Don't let it out of your sight, Chloe, he says. Copy that, Jack. He never mentions how she should make copies. With his 10 minutes until questioning, he wants to see Audrey. Ugh, and see her he does. He even kisses her knee and tells her to close her eyes. Will a sphygmomanometer measure the hurl pressure in my tummy tum?
Estrogen sits at his presidential compound desk and takes out a presidential box that I assume holds his presidential pistol. He calls Halliburton, and they tell him that the Attorney General has info from CTU that implicates Estro. They tell him it would be a horrible thing to put the president on trial. He says, yes, I agree. Gotta go, need to do some stuff before I off myself. Copy that. He checks the magazine in his beautiful 1911. Wow, what a pretty gun he's gonna kill himself with.
After commercial, Estro goes into Marty's room for a last magnificent scene together (and bravo, both of you!), where she's watching CNB and not FoxNews. Is he gonna shoot her? What, she can't live without him? He's so arrogant. Anyway, he says he's so sorry for everything. She says you should be sorry when you forget my birthday. This is too big for sorry. Or something like that. She says if I weren't so horrified that I married a homosexual, I might actually be impressed with your ability to lie. That was a great scene.
He leaves the room and goes back to his presidential office where his beautiful shiny presidential 1911 awaits. But wait, first he needs to have a glass of Scotch to delay things so he can receive a phone call. Doesn't he know he could destroy his liver drinking like that? Just as he's about to shoot himself, he gets an urgent call from CTU. Miles, that !@#$%^&*(). Miles tells him that he feels compelled to intervene and get that recording for the president.
Because you know, not one of those people there would have thought to make a FREAKING COPY! YOU'RE ALL TOO BUSY SAYING "COPY THAT" TO ACTUALLY.... COPY THAT!!!
The President says, I won't forget this. Miles says, Good! And offscreen, Estro says, I won't forget to off you just to make sure you're not a loose end for me. The president puts away his beautiful shiny gun. !@#$it.
Miles walks in to ask Chloe how long before the teleconference, and he's demagnetizing the recording as Chloe is working on it but not COPYING IT! She tells him to get out of there. Hey, I just noticed Chloe got to change clothes. I'm so glad the sweater is gone. Beep boop.
Next week. Everyone's like, what happened to the recording that not one single person in TV land ever thought to copy? And Chloe's like, I don't know! I hope Jack shoots Miles just for funsies.
Bierko escapes, and one of the guys says they said they're not finished. Aaron returns, Estro makes him bleed, and says let's put this behind us. Aaron tells him he's a disgrace to his office. Estro gets crazy eyes. Robocop tells Jack that he can't touch Halliburton's group, but they can touch him. "IF you know what I mean..."
It's a Picture that Moves!
Jim Baen's Universe (which I hope to get a story in; one of the editors liked a story enough to ask for an RTF so fingers are crossed) now has cover art. Since it's an e-zine, it's actually a Flash animation.
I'd like to be able to do Flash animation, but writing is hard enough. I need people who can do art and animation and I just tell them what I want and they make it. I'm good at telling people what to do.
Hey! You reading this! Jump up and down! Do it now!
IMAO: The Blog Rejected by Bloggers
Here's an unscientific poll of the favorite blogs of bloggers (so unscientific, I was involved). It's kinda interesting that, despite it's traffic, the Daily Kos ranked lower than a number of other liberal blogs.
Anything else seem interesting?
UPDATE: Yes, I know IMAO isn't on this list, but this is a list of blogs read by bloggers, and we all know how deranged bloggers are. That IMAO isn't favored by other bloggers shows how supercool it is!
Just in case you thought that the 1994 Nobel Peace Prize wasn't enough of a joke...
I'm sure there will be online petitions shrieking for the charter of the Nobel Peace Prize to be changed to allow it to be retracted after these sweet nothings by 1994's co-winner Shimon Peres:
Vice Premier Shimon Peres said Monday in an interview to Reuters that "the president of Iran should remember that Iran can also be wiped off the map," Army Radio reported.
Well, as long as we're wiping countries off of the map willy-nilly, here's a few suggestions:
What country would you like to see wiped from the map?
Gitmo Must Be Shut Down
An Editorial by Frank J.
Our detention facility at Guantanamo Bay is a disaster. Located in tropical Cuba, it's nothing but a fun park for terrorists. As Sen. Durbin pointed out a while ago, they even get free rap music and air conditioning. This is not how we should treat our enemies; it gives them hope. A proper detention facility should crush the spirits of the imprisoned, leaving them hollow shells of their former selves. Where can we send them that is so desolate that its very location will cause the prisoners to wail and gnash their teeth? New Jersey? Perhaps, but I have an even better idea: Antarctica.
"A proper detention facility should crush the spirits of the imprisoned leaving them hollow shells of their former selves."
Orginally, Australia was used by the British as a penal colony, and, as a result, a great vacation spot is overrun with filthy thieves wearing hats adorned with crocodile teeth. If only the British had sailed further south they would have found an even better prison from which there is no escape. Once again, Britain's folly is our gain. All we need to do now is send some military engineers down there to construct the greatest prison of all: Camp Despair.
The first things terrorists will see when they enter Camp Despair will be a large sign saying, "ALLAH HAS ABANDONED YOU!" Then, they will see a sign pointing straight into the ground labeled, "Mecca." Each prisoner will be given a new Koran and prayer rug with the warning, "That rug will be your only blanket. Also, I'd take good care of that Koran because it will be the only kindling you get to keep you warm. Muh ha ha ha!" And, know what's the best part of a prison in Antarctica? It's too cold for anyone to come and inspect and complain about prisoner treatment! The only ones who might cause trouble are the scientists around there, but any self-respecting Marine should be able to slap them around.
Now, I know what you may be thinking: Won't the penguins come and cheer up the terrorists? Don't worry; snipers will be positioned around the camp to shoot any penguins that come near, and Morgan Freeman will narrate their ignominious deaths. In addition, the exterior of the camp will be patrolled by angry polar bears. I know they aren't native to Antarctica, but they can be shipped there. And while they're being transferred, people will slap the bears in the face and imply that they're gay to make them extra angry.
As you can see, there is no downside to creating Camp Despair. So let's stop coddling our captured terrorists. To Antarctica with them!
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as "If a Bird Can't Fly, It Deserves to Die" and "Prisoner Beating Etiquette".
Reason I Hate Liberals #79,775
I keep seeing liberals thinking that if President Bush has an approval of say 34%, that must mean 66% of the American people support their freak-nut viewpoints. I even had some guy arguing that the 9/11 was faked pull out, "Well, only (whatever Bush's poll number was) people think your way," when challenged on his delusions.
Listen up, 'tards: President Bush is not a viewpoint, he is a person. I know your pea-sized brains have trouble understanding concepts such as conservatives for the war could disagree with Bush on many other issues, but it's true. It's not true that everyone who disapproves of Bush (many times for reasons such as immigration or spending) agree with your drool-covered imitation of human thought. Bush's approval rating could go down to 22%, and 90% would still think you should be locked away in an asylum and given shock therapy.
But no, liberals can't understand that simple concept and try to break everything down to support Bush or not support Bush. If you agree with Bush in even one area, then you're a "mindless Bush follower." If you disagree with Bush, then they love you... even if you’re some thug ruling Venezuela.
This makes me so mad, I just want to punch liberals in their dumb monkey faces all the more. Did I mention how I hate how all liberals have dumb monkey faces?
Why did no one tell me that Wednesday's South Park parodied the Dog Whisperer? Actually, it wasn't so much a parody as everything about Cesar Millan was pretty accurate except that he was using the techniques on Cartman instead of dog.
Well, they also overdid his accent a bit, but it's pretty thick as is.
Hmm, I should try that "Tsst!" technique next time some liberal starts spewing crazy...
"Bush is the biggest terrorist in the..."
::Jab him in the neck with two fingers.:: "Tsst!"
"You're trying to oppress my right to..."
::Jab him in the neck with two fingers.:: "Tsst!"
::Liberal moves to the corner and quietly hangs head.::
"See. I have taught the liberal that behavior is not allowed by not using positive or negative energy, but by using dominant energy."
Everyday Smells Like a Barbecue!
I had to drive through smog again on my way to work. How long can these brush and muck fires go on? Eventually, all of Florida will burn down and then the fires will run out of fuel, I guess.
Anyway, I already have a Know Thy Enemy: Brush Fires post for those affected, and it probably works for muck fires if you just substitues "much" for "brush."
May 06, 2006
Culture of Corruption
I think it's obvious from the actions of Patrick Kennedy and Cynthia McKinney that the Democrats have a culture of corruption. It is thus important that, anytime we mention the Democrats, we work the phrase "culture of corruption" in our commentary. Actually, we should just shout "Culture of corruption!" over and over until we feel so retarded we punch ourselves. I'm not sure what that achieves, but that's politics.
May 05, 2006
Reason I Hate Liberals #54,389
Liberals all have dumb monkey faces I want to punch.
Look at this liberal:
What an ugly monkey face! My fist is curling just looking at it.
And look at this guy:
If that's not a dumb monkey face, then nothing is! I so need to punch something after seeing these dumb monkey-faced liberals!
There, I punched my desk.
So, all liberals have dumb monkey faces and I hate them.
In the SarahK / Frank J. rainforest known as the Master Bathroom, the keen observer can spot two rare creatures, which only emerge from their Guest Room lair and take residence atop the Cliffs of Insanity in the Master Bathroom when their lone predator, the Pitabullus, seeks its prey. I have captured these creatures in digital form for your viewing pleasure.
I present the Minervasaurus and the Stegasydney.
Ask Dr. Duck - HOSTED BY FRANK J.!!!
RightWingDuck is having trouble logging in, so I'm putting up this post for him. That's means I get all the credit - Me! Frank J.! You love me now!
So here's the stupid post...
Dear Dr. Duck:
1. Since you were hatched in the USA and therefore a citizen fowl, what would you do regarding your lawbreaking fellow Mexican if you were in charge of the ICE (Imm & Custom Enforcement)?
2. Why do I always have to go to the bathroom a lot and immediately after eating at Taco Bell?
3. Donald Duck is not wearing pants at all. I'm afraid to ask, but curious: do you wear pants at all? Please do not post picture.
Posted by: rightwingimmigrant
Interesting question. You know, the last party we had, my wife put my in charge of the ICE. She was very proud of the way I carried out my task. Next party, I might be put in charge of ICE and CUPS.
1. If I ran ICE, the government agency, I would make sure that I focused on the things that really make a difference in the lives of Americans. I'd get a big office. Ooooh ooo, and a computer, with internet access, and I'd try to see if I could fit one of those mini fridges in the corner. yeah, that would be totally cool.
2. Taco Bell has great food. Value meals to avoid are the #5 Enchurrito meal and the #10 Montezuma's Revenge.
3. Of course, I wear the pants!! Because my wife said I could.
Did you answer the last batch of questions? Did I miss it?
Posted by: slapout on May 3, 2006 03:27 PM
Dear Dr. duck,
Tomorrow is my last final exam, after which I will be free to work all summer long!!!!! Other than spending more time at work than I want to, what else am I going to do during these long hot months some refer to as "summer"?
Also, if I were to say... attempt to take over the world, where would the best place to start? South America? Asia? Africa?????? Or should I just do a classic "become legitimate ruler of powerful nation and slowly expand personal powers ultimately leading to the destruction of democracy forever"? I am also curious if I could find some dark jedi to be my personal "goons" for this overthrow. Know where any are hiding that are in need of a soon to be world leader to command them?
Posted by: MDA
Summer, or as liberals call it, the Global Warming season, brings with it the opportunity to get it away from it all and take some time for yourself. There is nothing better than trying to take over the world. I recommend starting in France. It's easy work and the food is good. The smell is weird, but you're used to an American university.
Why are you teasing us with threads promising to answer our questions, then leaving us high and dry?
What? were you planning to answer the last batch on may first, but contracted out the job to undocumented workers from Canada?
Posted by: shane on May 3, 2006 04:15 PM
Shane, Shane, Shane.
I get real busy around here at IMAO. Between bathing in oil and drowning puppies (I enjoy a life of leisure) how can I be expected to keep up with things? I like Canadians, some of my best friends, Carlos, Miguel, and Carlos Miguel, are from Canada. Or at least, their passports are.
Dr. Duck, I'm a bit concerned because I haven't received my shipment of stolen Iraqi oil yet. It's been nearly three months since the last shipment and they used to come regular as clockwork. Without my precious Iraqi oil, how will I bathe or drown puppies, schoolchildren and old people? Can you tell me if you have any idea why I haven't gotten it yet? Are the good times over?
Posted by: The Apologist
WHAT ARE YOU IMPLYING!! THAT I TOOK YOUR PRECIOUS OIL?
Just kidding. Maybe the good times are coming to an end. All good things end. Nothing lasts forever.
Is it normal that I can't even muster up the curiosity to watch cBS news with Katrina Couric?
Posted by: Ricky
No, it's not normal. I believe you might require lots of therapy. Normal people are supposed to "rubber neck" at the scene of a horrible accident.
Follow up question to Ricky's question: is it just me, or does the lady in the ad for conservativematch.com that displays on the right sidebar not look like Mrs Couric? if so, why is she screaming? and why would this make anyone want to risk using their service?
Posted by: shane
Tell me. What do YOU see?
Dear Dr. Duck, I was recently out clodhopping near the pond when I saw you and the V.P. waterfowl hunting.Suddenly Cheney shouted "duck", and I dove for cover.What happened?
Posted by: DohXs
I think you got hit. Sorry, I can neither confirm nor deny it for sure. For the record, he said DUCK, not DOVE. Why did you DOVE? You DOVED when you should have DUCKED.
First, I'd like to thank you for answering my last query, even though it didn't help me one bit.
That's why I'm here. I'm always glad to answer your questions and not help one little bit.
The French Club and German Club, in my opinion should do everything together. Especially drinking. This way, the Germans would get out of control, try to purify the bar, kick the Frenchies butt, and .. hey, this is a great idea for a screen play.
This question is from my kids, and there is one follow-up.
Does God poop?
Posted by: Wacky Hermit
Wacky, if I had a nickel for every time a patient asked me that… God does poop, although as he ages, he's not as regular as he used to be.
he;lp I hsave supergluedh myyt fimngers togetherfs asnd my backlspace key is breoken. itrs harrd to tyupe, whsat shoulds I dos?
Posted by: Brian The Adequate
If you can't type, perhaps you should consider Podcasting. We used to podcast. It was a lot of fun.
I was shot in the leg about a month ago and I didn't think it was that bad. Heavy drinking and stuff like that kept the pain down. Now it is starting to worry me. It's turning all green and is putting out quite the stench. Should I continue to drink heavily or do you recommend another form of action?
Posted by: AJ
Dr. Duck, when I go to a Chinese restaurant, there are always Chinese people working there. When I go for Indian food, there are always people from India working there. When I go to an Italian restaurant, there's almost always Italians working there. Yet, I've never seen a Mexican working at Taco Bell. What does this mean?
Posted by: Son of Bob
Could Everyone Stop Whining About Gas Prices?
Because it's really starting to annoy me. I mean, first off, I don't care. Second, no one has any actual plan to do anything about it (Congress can control gas prices about as much as they can the weather - unless they take away federal taxation on gas). Thirdly... well, I don't have a third reason. I don't need one. Just shut up about this before I punch you in gonads.
IMAO - More Brilliantly Conceived Than You Thought
Remember that post at Digby where he freaked out over the Fun Facts About Liberals T-shirt?
Buried deep in the comments is an intriguing analyis of the IMAO motif:
"the site reads like a really broad left-wing parody of a right-wing humor site. In that respect, it's pretty funny"
I have to admt that *I've* occasionally thought while reading an In My World: "Man, the liberals mush LOVE the way Frank portrays Bush... Hey... I wonder if Frank is really an undercover Bush-hating leftist?"
Fear not, though. Frank is NOT Michael Moore wearing a Karl Rove mask. The truth is FAR more twisted.
You see, IMAO is actually a right-wing satire of a really broad left-wing parody of a right-wing humor site.
Which means that Frank is Donald Rumsfeld dressed as Michael Moore wearing a Karl Rove mask.
All pretending to be a nerdy engineer from Florida married to a hot babe from Texas.
Gun vs. Tire Iron
An undercover police sting turned into an officer-involved shooting in the Houston Police Department's impound lot, officials told KPRC Local 2.
Keep an eye on IMAO for futher "Gun vs." updates.
Unfair, Unbalanced, and Unmedicated: Vote Rigging
In this new segment, Frank J. will try to out crazy Kos using rhetoric and ideas that will only harm Republicans and conservative causes. This first installment is just a warm up.
The Republicans are about to lose the House, and it's only smart people like us who can make sure that conservative values succeed. We have a problem in America, and it's time we only support candidates willing to face it. That problem is...
VOTE RIGGING IN AMERICAN IDOL!!!
This problem has gone on far too long. In its first year, there should have been a committee formed as soon as Justin Guarini made the top two. Things have only gotten worse since then. Obviously, the Democrats don't care; they hate America and want bad singing to reign. We would have expected some support from Republicans, BUT WE WERE WRONG!
The voting is obviously rigged, and we need Congressional investigation into it. Who controls it? What is their agenda? Why did Mandissa get voted off so early this year? WHY?
Then there is the drug issue. American Idol involves more drug abuse than all major sports combined, and all of it is done by Paula Abdul. What is she taking? And how can we get some?
Things are horribly wrong at FOX, but no one seems to care. When Dennis Hastert was confronted on this issue, he said he doesn't watch American Idol.
Why are the Republicans scared on this issue? Are they afraid what Simon Cowell might say about them? Are they secretly members of the Soul Patrol?
Well, one thing is clear: WE MUST SUPPORT A PRIMARY CHALLENGER FOR DENNIS HASTERT! IT'S TIME TO GET RID OF THAT SINGING-HATING RINO!
Everyone call your Congressmen now and give money to their challengers. It's time to get some real conservatives in Washington.
Cinco De Meow Meow Catblogging
But instead of the usual Friday Catblogging, I realize that it's also Cinco De Mayo. So... it's time for Cinco De Meow Meow Blogging
Sure, some of the IMAO bloggers have cats, but apparently I'm the only one of them brilliant enough to combine cats and blogging without chopped onions, peppers, salt, pepper, and in an oven set at 350 degrees for thirty minutes.
Anyway, it's time for Frisky the Tipsy:
If you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Frisky is... um...
Crazy Like a Kos
First Kos vows to strike down any Democrat who didn't find Stephen Colbert funny, and now he refers to a Democrat who is challenging Joe Lieberman in the primaries and trailing 31 to 51 in the polls as "in striking distance."
THIS GUY IS FREAKING NUTS!!!
I guess the Dems must be happy that Kos is applying his perfect zero batting record to trying to bring down Democrats, but when is someone going to get Kos needed medical help?
And how does Kos get so many hits a day for his site? Is it his third-grade political analysis or that his site is like MySpaces for the moonbats whose mental healthcare facilities allow internet access?
I think a good goal for IMAO is to surpass Kos in traffic. I know that, if I apply myself, I can be even crazier than he is. It will take some work, but I am not adverse to hard work... despite what my parents might say. So prepare yourself for a new Frank J. even crazier than before!
After a few more cups of coffee...
May 04, 2006
Thousands Riot Over Che Cartoons
Reacting to a cartoon portraying Ernesto "Che" Guevera which was published on an American web site recently, thousands of angry Mexican took to the streets in violent protest.
"Muslims have forced Americans not to show cartoons of Allah's prophet Mohammed," said one protester whose name was probably Pedro, "As socialist thugs, we worship Fidel Castro - the oldest Communist dictator who has not been killed and eaten by the Americans. Che is like Castro's prophet, in the sense that he murdered people in Castro's name. Therefore we forbid displaying images of him, and cruelly punish those who do."
According to the Communist religion, the punishment for depicting Che is impalement, and several instances were caught on film:
Fortunately, not everyone was intimidated, as a few brave counter-protesters were on the scene
Be like Jose
Or the Mexiterrorists win.
More blasphemous Che depictions in the extended entry...
In an UPROAR!! Why wasn't the blogosphere told sooner!!!???
We are just now being, just NOW being informed that Representative Patrick Kennedy was involved in a car crash early in the Thursday AM.
Why WEREN'T WE TOLD SOONER?
Were they planning to keep it a secret?
Do the traffic laws not apply to the Kennedy clan? Can they not drive? is this a "Buick thing?"
I am beside myself. I demand a full investigation into what can only be a cover up. Here we have a member of congress who goes out there and crashes into another car in the middle of the early am, thus denying that car owner the ability to get to work and feed a family which I'm sure is has already suffered enough based on the poorly performing economy and the whie, cruel hand of Republican rule. For all we know, this car owner is probably wondering where his or her next meal is going to come from. And who did this? A Democrat of course.
I say let's demand a full senate investigation (led by Ted Kennedy) into what really happened that night!
Here are the "facts" as we know them.
Patrick says he consumed no alcohol. We know how 'those Democrats' are at that hour of the morning. Probably driving with a bottle of booze in one hand with his other hand on a whore's knee.
The police were called in right away.A likely story. Involving the authorities right away! Next thing you'll hear is that insurance carriers were notified. I'm not buying it!
He held a press conference. Sure AFTER the news started to leak out. Right now as we speak, the Vast Left Wing Conspiracy and the Lefty Religious zealots are hoping this goes away! They're trying to keep us from focusing on the war on poverty and it's horrible failure!
A history of bad behaviour. Since this congressperson has a history of depression, alcohol and drug abuse, I guess we can safely assume, without even needing any facts, that he was Higher Than a Gallon of Gasoline! Not to mention that fact that he's a Kennedy. Police should check the trunk for any dead secretarial help!
Oooohhh. I"m mad!
What are your thoughts on the matter?
Humiliate Them Even More than Videos of Their Weapon Acumen
I got this great idea to totally humilate Islamic terrorists. First, we act like we now like a terrorist mastermind and we're his friend. Then, we invite him to the big America Homecoming Dance. We rig the vote so that he gets voted Homecoming King, and, just as he is getting his crown, we drop a bucket of pigs blood on him!
Ha! That will be hilarious!
Bill Gates: Wahh! I'm Too Rich!
Microsoft Corp. Chairman Bill Gates said Wednesday he wished he were not the world's richest man.
He went on to say that crushing the hopes and dreams of so many pathetic losers on the way to the top would have been payment enough. He also admitted that being able to afford to quietly have his detractor's "deleted", a term he would not elaborate on, was nice too.
The Terrorist Blooper Reel
CENTCOM has released video of al-Zarqawi operating a machine gun with the proficency of a pro-gun control Bostonian. If the war on terror were an actual shooting war, these jokers wouldn't last five minutes against us.
Bite-Sized Wisdom: Somewhat Asinine Edition
* Thanks for the suggestions, but they were asinine. I guess that's why I write the humor and you guys read it.
* So, Moussaoui gets life in prison. I've always been somewhat ambivalent on the death penalty, but I think that, if you are going to give someone death, don't do it some wussy way like by lethal injection. That doesn't scare anyone. Instead, sentence people to be beaten to death by a hammer.
JUDGE: I sentence you to be beaten with a hammer until dead.
BALIFF: Coo'. I'm off to the hardware store.
* Of course, other countries will be like, "America is so brutal that they beat people to death with hammers." Other countries always miss the point; they're so stupid. One day, we have to get rid of other countries.
* So Geena Davis's "Paving the Way for a Hillary Presidency" show was canceled proving that Americans just aren't ready to watch boring tripe... well, at least boring tripe starring Geena Davis.
* They should do a show about me as President. "Is America ready to have an in your face blogger as President?" Yeah, I'm too young to be President, but it's TV - you don't have to be realistic. I mean, they have this one show about a liberal President who is tough and principled; you might as well give him a dragon as a VP.
* Speaking of dragons, my short story "No Good Deed" is in the approval process for the Jim Baen's Universe SF magazine. If it gets published, then I'll have actual writing credentials. Right now, if I go to some publisher and say, "Well, I write daily for a popular blog," they just punch me in the face.
* I'm also working on my next short story. I was reading 1984 the other day and said to myself, "This could make a great comedy."
* But enough about me; let's talk about Cheney. Apparently he was giving the leaders of Russia a verbal smackdown. While Ronald Reagan scared Russia away from being Communist, I guess this whole "not being evil" thing is just a bit too much. What they really need are baby steps. Instead of killing dissenters, they just rough them up a bit. Maybe later, they can lay off them entirely... but take your time.
* I miss Reagan. In my TV series, I should have Robo-Reagan as my Chief of Staff.
* So are we going to do anything about Iran? I'm pretty sure (as usual) the U.N. will do nothing. I'm not convinced that Iran is crazy enough to do anything with nukes (dogs that bark that loud are just frustrated, not necessarily violent), but they probably shouldn't have them. We should take their nukes and give them to Canada, because I don't think Canada has any.
"Good work on the space robot arm; here's some nukes."
That should help Canada's self-esteem, and I think it’s our job to foster that.
* Another neighbor who needs more self-esteem is Mexico. They were even thinking of turning to drugs. There's not too much nice to say about Mexico, but maybe America could run ads in Mexico bad-mouthing ourselves so people will stay.
"America: Liberals say our leader is just like Hitler!"
"America: The salsa here is not so great."
"America: Watch yourself, or we'll beat you to death with a hammer."
* Well, that's all I have to say for now except that, if you're near Tonga, look for cover.
You Choose the Humor
I just can't find an issue I care that much to write a whole post about today. So, I'll let you, the readers, decide what you want made fun of. Just put what you want ridiculed most in the comments, and I'll go with whatever is the plurality.
When Blogs Are Used for Good Instead of Evil
I've never saved lives with my blog, but I have made people laugh once or twice. Does that count for anything?
So, is the left's crazed insistence that Stephen Colbert was funny at the White House Correspondence Dinner the new Dan Rather memos - which the left were crazed to insist were real despite all the evidence?
Next Question: How can the left possibly get even more asinine after this?
May 03, 2006
Dan Rather's Blog
Recently rumors have surfaced that Dan Rather is contemplating quitting CBS and taking up blogging.
Now there's no mystery regarding WHAT he'd blog about - his cat, his colon, how much it sucks to be living in his daughter's basement - after all, he's lost without his teleprompter.
The only question is what he would call his blog. I speculate thusly on the possibilities:
* Rather Ironic, Isn't It?
* Speaking Half-Truths to Power
* Drink the TANG
* CBS Evening KOS
* I Am NOT Making This Up!
* Here's the Frequency, Now Stop Calling Me Kenneth!
* Delusions By Dan
* Democratic Underwear
* Funny Like Colbert, Except Not On TV
* I'm STILL Not Wearing Pants When I Sit Behind My Desk
* Now With Superscripts!
* Take A Memo
* Rather's Blathers
* Please Stop Fact-Checking My Ass
* The Ratherington Post
* How Much Is That Selectric In the Window?
* 43 Years At CBS and Not Even a Freakin' Gold Watch to Show For It - Cheap, Back-Stabbing Bastards!
* Oh Yeah? Well I Wouldn't Come Back Now If You Got Down On Your Hands and Knees and BEGGED Me!... Although I Suppose It Wouldn't Hurt To Try...
* D!scount V1agra! - The GoogleBait Blog
* Vast Mainstream Wing Conspiracy
* Courage - The Blog
* Authenticated Signatures, Journalistic Integrity and Other Oxymorons
* It's NOT Bush's Fault (Just Kidding)
* Crouching Liar, Hidden Agenda
He might also call it IMAOpodcast.com, since heaven knows THAT one's not being used.
Any other possibilities?
The Diet-Pepsi of Evil Gets Life
No needle for Moussaoui. His statement upon leaving the courtroom: "America, you lost. I won."
I'm still of the opinion the guy is just too pathetic to kill. If he were really evil, he wouldn't have to try so hard to sound evil. Well, I guess he'll have plenty of time now to work on his evilness, but, considering how Charlie Manson seems less and less threatening as time goes by, this was probably Moussaoui's highpoint. In a number of years, at best he'll be a somewhat difficult Trivial Pursuit question.
Some liberals now claim that "chickenhawk" is a term for a certain kind of sexual predator. Is this true?
Like I'm supposed to keep track of all the terms liberals come up with for their sexual deviancy.
IMAO's Equal Opportunity Policy
Although IMAO's hostility toward liberals has been getting a lot of attention lately, I would like to remind our readers that it's the official policy of IMAO to make offensive, derogatory, belitting jokes about EVERYONE, regardless of political alignment, religious belief, skin color, gender, sexual preference, national origin, or any other Self-Chosen Affiliation Marker that typically grants protected-victim status.
So, if you would like to file a grievance because your SCAM has not been sufficiently mocked or derided by IMAO, please leave a comment telling us what your SCAM is, and one of our culturally-insensitive customer slurvice representatives will hurl a thoughtless epithet in your direction.
If your comment is ignored, please keep trying, as your petulant indignation is important to us.
Thank you for reading.
"IMAO: A Multicultural Rainbow of Diverseful Offensivity Since 2002"
Looks like I picked the wrong week to snap photos of Houston's Danger Train
Just in time for May Sweeps, ABC's Blotter Blog is warning that we're all going to die!
Oh. Wait. Never mind. Just those of us on trains and in train stations.
ABC News has learned that the Department of Homeland Security has alerted U.S. mass transit officials to "suspicious videotaping" of European rail systems that point to a continuing terrorist interest in targeting mass transit and "possible surveillance or pre-operational planning."
Here in Houston, we're fully prepared for this. Terrorists will take one look at our Light Rail line, laugh themselves silly, and then head back to their offices in the Saudi Aramco building.
Just Short of Official Recognition
Sorry, I should have mentioned this before the puppy blender, but, anyway, the 101st Fighting Keyboardists have gotten the endorsement of CENTCOM thanks to Sneakeasy's Joint.
I'm hoping to get us all assigned M-16s, but that might still take some time.
Ask Dr. Duck!!
This is Dr. Duck. Here to help, love, nourish, and (hopefully) mock.
Anway, it's that time of the week when you, dear IMAO readers, can ask me - Dr. R.W. Duck all of the questions that you need answered.
Family problems? Drinking problems? Family drinking problems? Promblems family drinking? Problems reading words in their correct order? I can help, or at least post an answer that might potentially help*
So go ahead and post that question. Love. Marriage. Career. Politics.
* Disclaimer. Odds of getting actual help one in 300,000 million. Please play responsibly. Dr. Duck does the work Americans refuse to do, thusly he should not be deported. Dr. Duck answers are copyrighted in the sense that no one in their right mind would dare to write what I write for fear of being institutionalized. Dr. Duck is a "doctor without borders ' in the sense that I live in Tijuana and come here whenever I feel like it. Fragile, handle with care. Please tear along the perforated line. Some contents may have settled during shipping.
In My World: Colbert, Iran, and Something that Rhymes with "Jew"
President Bush read the jokes off the teleprompter and enjoyed the laughter from the audience at the White House Correspondence Dinner, but the strange echo he kept hearing was starting to disturb him. The echo wasn't even correctly repeating what he was saying. Bush then turned to see another man was there who looked and sounded just like him.
"Aieeee! A pod person!" Bush shouted as he pulled out a shotgun.
Laura ran over and grabbed Bush. "That's Steve Bridges and he's part of the act." Laura looked to the audience. "That's my wacky husband!"
Everyone laughed, and Laura led Bush back to his seat while Stephen Colbert walked to the podium.
"This guy is funny!" Bush told Laura, "I saw him on TV, and I laughed really hard at all the jokes I understood."
Stephen Colbert cleared his throat and started his routine. "President Bush is an evil man. He supports torture. No one likes him. He has broken many laws." Colbert was quiet for a few seconds. "That was the punch line."
"This isn't funny!" Bush whispered to Laura. "Something is wrong with him! Maybe he'll be funnier if I throw a shoe at him."
"He has gotten us into a war where many have died," Colbert continued. "He is not smart, and--" A shoe hit Colbert in the head. "Ow!"
"Ha! That was funny!" Bush shouted. He then thought for a moment. "Can someone hand me back my shoe?"
* * * *
Bush poured himself a cup of coffee. "That stupid dinner had me up past my bedtime. Why can't I delay running the country until later?" He then saw Tony Snow in the hallway. "Wow! I know you from FOX News! What are you doing here?"
"Um... you hired me as your new press secretary, remember?"
"Yeah, we needed to replace tubby. No why we needed to replace him?"
"Because he was..." Tony shrugged his shoulders. "...tubby?"
"That's right! You're a quick one, Snowman."
Tony took out a newspaper. "Anyway, I thought you might want to see this. In reaction to Stephen Colbert's performance, a number of left-wing nuts have erected shrines in his honor and formed religions around him."
Bush furrowed his brow. "They thought he was funny?"
"They don't go as far to say that, but they think he was daring to speak the truth or some crap."
"But he wasn't funny!" Bush exclaimed. "Don't these moonbats understand funny?"
"Studies show they are quite humorless."
"The only funny part was when I hit him with my shoe," Bush said. He then laughed. "Man, that was funny. He was all like, 'Ow! Where did that shoe come from?' Did you see that, Snowman?"
Tony chuckled. "Yes, that was funny. It was also funny when he picked up your shoe and ran off and then you started cursing at him."
Bush looked down to see one of his feet was shoeless. "He still has my shoe! That unfunny shoe-stealer!" Bush grabbed a shotgun that was leaning against a table. "I'm getting my shoe back!"
"You sure keep a lot of shotguns around."
"That's because I'm a smart president! Now, come on; time to get your hands dirty, Snowman!" Bush began to awkwardly march off, but Condoleezza Rice stopped him.
"What are you doing?"
"I'm going to go get my shoe back from that unfunny Stephen Colbert!" Bush shouted. "We'll see who is funny when I murder him dead!"
"But Iran has threatened that, if anyone attacks Stephen Colbert, they will retaliate against Israel!" Condi exclaimed.
"So?" Bush answered. "It's not like I have a summer home there."
"Yes, but if Israel is attacked, they vow to retaliate against Saudi Arabia. And, if Saudi Arabia is attacked, the vow to retaliate against..." Condi took out a long sheet of paper. "Well, to cut to the chase, eventually someone will retaliate against Namibia, who vows to attack us."
"Oh no! We'll all die!" Bush exclaimed. "I can't believe that Iran is directly indirectly threatening us like that, but I can't just walk around with one shoe! The international community will never respect me!"
"We could just go buy some new shoes," Tony suggested.
"Maybe you come from a world where you can just go to some magical store and get shoes," Bush said, "but, here in the world of politics, if a comedian steals your shoe, you have to get it back using a shotgun or you shall remain shoeless forever!"
"Haven't you ever wondered why, to this day, Jimmy Carter walks around shoeless?" Condi asked Tony.
"I guess there's a lot to politics I still have to learn."
"There's a lot about everything I have to learn," Bush said. He looked to Condi. "Put out the announcement that, if America is attacked, we will retaliate against Iran!"
* * * *
The crazy Iranian president ran to the crazy Iranian mullahs. "America threatens to destroy us if attacked!"
The crazy Iranian mullahs looked over a long sheet of paper. "That means if we attack Israel in retaliation for an attack on Stephen Colbert, we will surely die... eventually. Tell Colbert we will no longer defend him."
The crazy Iranian president picked up the phone and dialed Stephen Colbert. "We will no longer retaliate against Israel if you are attacked."
"You will no longer what? …And who is this?"
* * * *
Bush stood outside the Comedy Central studios and chambered a round into his shotgun. "It's time to get my shoe back, Snowman!"
A number of hooded figures approached Bush and Tony. "We are of the Church of Colbert, the one who brings truth to power, and we will die in defense of him."
"Okay." Bush fired his shotgun and killed all the liberals.
"Do you feel any remorse for that?" Tony asked.
Bush chambered another round. "It should be pretty obvious at this point in my presidency that I don't feel any remorse for anything."
* * * *
The doorbell rang at the White House. Laura put down her duster to answer it.
"Hi," said a man standing at the doorstep holding a box. "We had a number of items left in Lost & Found after the White House Correspondence Dinner. One's a shoe that we think might belong to President Bush."
Laura picked up the shoe. "Yes, he was looking for this."
"We also have four shotguns."
Laura rolled her eyes. "Yeah, he really needs those."
American Idol 5 top 5
So I'm just now watching this, because we had a dinner to go to last night. Hey look, there's Anthony Federov in the audience. I liked him for a while.
Paula looks pretty. I wonder if she's drunk. Y'all were all wondering the same thing when you watched it. UPDATE: Apparently they took away her happy pills. She seems normal.
IDOLS 01 AND 06... Not that it matters, since the voting is over. Anyway, last night the contestants sang two songs. One from the top 10 on Billboard charts right now, and one from their birth year. Elliott was born in 1978. Aww, he's just a baby! He's singing "On Broadway" first, and it's kinda boring. He looks good, but the song seems out of sorts. Sounds good but almost like he's off with the band. The end is really good, but the rest was kinda eh. I'm glad he has two songs. Randy: Started iffy, loved the rest, dawg. Paula: I can't say anything negative unless Randy says it first. Simon: I'm glad you have two songs, not your best performance. Hey, maybe now that Kellie's gone, Simon and i will be in sync on this thing again. UPDATE: I'm watching with Frank now, and this is way better than I remember it being when I watched it this morning. And I forgot to comment that I really liked this outfit. Jeans, brown jacket. I could do without the huge-knotted brown satin tie, but whatever.
IDOLS 02 AND 07... Not that it matters. Paris is next. Paris says her first song is gonna be "Prince Kiss". I think she means Prince's "Kiss", but since Prince ends in an "s" sound, she thinks that means there's a silent apostrophe and no "s" at the end. Ugh, that is one of my biggest pet peeves ever. That, and someone not giving something the s after the apostrophe just because the word ends in an s. IF IT'S NOT PLURAL, IT GETS ANOTHER S, AND THE S IS PRONOUNCED! GOODNESS, TAKE 7TH GRADE GRAMMAR, WOULD YOU? Yet another reason we are soooo homeschooling our kids. Anyway, Paris says this isn't a song that a lot of people could make a song, but she thinks she can, which sounds pretty arrogant if you ask me, but she probably doesn't mean it the way I'm taking it. Anyway, she was born in 1988 and was a super-cute baby. LOL, she was a tomboy and her mama dressed her in frilly dresses. Poor Paris. She looks pretty. Oh, she thinks she wants to dance, which means she's shaking the booty and the boobies. I could have done without that. Ok, the song. Boring and screechy, and had another one of Paris's signature "come on"s.. Randy: A'ight, yeah I liked it. Paula: You know I love you. Simon: Screechy and annoying. Ah. He's back. I may start loving him again. Paris: I love all the opinions, thanks for saying I was screechy and annoying. Kellie left her fake humble pie behind, and Paris gobbled it up?
IDOLS 03 AND 08... Not that it matters. Chris was born in 1979. He's just a baby! Oh wait, my husband's his age. LOL, his kid pics are funny. Chris looks like he's wearing the eyeliner again, and I think he's wearing foundation on his bald head. He's singing "Renegade" by Styx. I'm enjoying this. It was really great, the ending was great, and he looks great, and I was wrong about him wearing eyeliner. Good, so it wasn't just a temporary lesson he learned. He should always wear black. BUT PLEASE, CHRIS, STOP COLORING YOUR EYEBROWS! IT'S CREEPY! Randy: You're hot, dawg. Paula: Where's Ted Kennedy? I'm not super-drunk, and I could use a hit from his flask! Simon: A million times better than the other 2, you picked a great song.
IDOLS 04 AND 09... Not that it matters. Ryan is asking Katharine about last week's wardrobe malfunction. "I didn't even know I lost a button, so I hope I didn't offend anyone." Ryan: "Everyone Tivod back and now knows that Katharine wears boxers. But you're all strapped into this week's dress?" She grabs her dress and says yeah, she's good, she feels like she's wearing a trash bag. She was born in LA in 1984. I was 8. Cute kiddie pics. She's singing Phil Collins's "Against All Odds". The first half is awful and "pitchy", dawg. Second half is a little better but still mediocre. And I went back and watched it twice just to make sure. On second watch, the first half is not awful. It's mediocre. 2nd half still mediocre. I hated the arrangement / "spin", as they like to call it on this show, that Kat put on it. The dress when she stands up is good from far away. Close up, it looks like she put a belt over her boobs, a belt around her waist, and a belt around her knees, like she really didn't want to fall out of it this week. I like the color, though (brown). Randy: You look amazing. Key is too low. He's right about the key. Paula: Yes, you're pretty. Randy said something negative, so I can say something negative too. It wasn't my favorite. Simon is confusing: Last week I was wrong about you and apologized. This week the song got away from you. It was by far one of your best performances, but you have 2 songs, so you're a lucky girl. Ryan asks if it's a hard song to sing. Um, no, and Kat doesn't lie. Simon clarifies: If I said it was one of your best, that's not what I meant.
IDOLS 05 AND 10... Not that it matters. Taylor was born in 1976, which is a very good year to have been born. He's not a baby! His kid pics are cute. Blonde, then brunette, then a headlight. He says he's had more hair changes than Ryan Seacrest. He's singing "Play That Funky Music" by Wild Cherry, and lemme just say that it's impossible to not dance to this song. Ok, let's talk about the outfit. Good disco-y shirt going on there. His jeans aren't too tight, or if they are, the shirt covers them up. Good
2ND PERFORMANCE: We're doing the Top 10 from any Billboard chart this week. LOL, I hope someone does "Bad Day". That would be funny, because that person would be going home tomorrow night (because of the gist of the song). For the record, "Inside Your Heaven" is one of the worst and stupidest songs ever written and should never have been a #1 song. "I wanna see the place you cry from," are you kidding me? I wanna see inside your tear ducts? So retarded.
IDOLS 01 AND 06... Elliott is taking on Michael Buble, which is incredibly brave. He's singing "Home". He's wearing a suit and sitting on a stool with a mic stand. He should always wear a black suit with a pinstripe shirt. Pinstripes are perfect on him, I don't know why. Ok, he sounds beautiful on this song, he's doing a great job. Very understated, maybe a little too understated. I definitely would have voted for him at least 4 times last night, though. Elliott is trying to run away from the judges, which is funny. They're laughing and having an emergency brake moment. Randy: Nice choice, baby. Paula: Rich, melting voice. Wanna go out sometime? Simon: Not the smartest lyric in the world. "I wanna go home" is not a good song to sing. It's true, I can't believe I didn't catch it. Don't sing about going home! Simon says not enough wow, which I think means too understated, just like I said. Anyway, Simon's worried about him but he's probably safe this week.
IDOLS 02 AND 07... Paris is singing "Be Without You" by Mary J. Blige. Oh goodness, let's talk about Paris's outfit. Satin grey what. Not gauchos. Shorts? Culottes? Camo shirt. Red belt with a butterfly clasp. Egads, Paris. Anyway, her hair looks great tonight. The song. Boring until the very end where she went high and mighty and got really screechy and a teeny bit offkey. Randy: Risky taking on Mary, that's her vibe. Pitchy here and there, but you did your thing. Paula: You've got it. I loved your voice but wanted your Paris spin on it. Simon: You're wrong, Paula, she did good. SarahK: Meh, I didn't love it. I barely liked it. And I can't get over that horrendous outfit.
IDOLS 03 AND 08... Chris is singing Shinedown's "I Dare You". I haven't heard the song, so I don't know if this is his own spin or not, dawg. It's great. He's a star, I don't care what anyone else says. Randy: Your voice is giving out, I don't love the song. Paula: Song wasn't my favorite, but I love ya. In other words, what Randy said. It's always what Randy said. Simon: Whoopee (about Paula loving him). Sounds like you're losing your voice, so you better watch yourself, but great first song so you'll do fine. Ok, I'ma relisten, because I didn't hear his voice giving out at all. On the relisten, I see that I really can't get over the eyebrows. But the voice is just fine. I don't hear it giving out, I just hear him going higher than his comfort zone, which is something you can hardly ever say for boring, safe Katharine. All I hear is Chris taking a risk and pushing his limits. That's a bad thing? Chris is making excuses. We go all the time, I sang that song a lot today. Eh, just say you did a good job and quit making excuses.
IDOLS 04 AND 09... Kat is doing "Black Horse and the Cherry Tree" by KT Tunstall? Never heard of it. And now I see why. Kat's on the floor, doing the Kellie Pickler Knee Dance. She's barefoot with turquoise toenails to match her top. This is possibly one of the dumbest and most ridiculous AI performances ever. The song sucks. Her singing of it is good, you can tell she spent most of her time practicing this one and little practicing the first song. She gets a little off with the band at times. She's pushing her limits, so I have to give her props. But overall, I can't stop rolling my eyes. Randy: Yo dawg, this show is wild, that's the Katharine I love. Paula: I love the choreography, this was much better. Simon: This is a strange show. Taylor is lying down, you're on your knees. I prefer it to the first song, it was younger, showed more personality. *whatever* Funny, Katharine giggles a lot, but she does the fake smile so much that I can't actually believe she's giggling for real. She's giggling to get votes. I don't like fake people, and her fakeness is sticking out so much more than her performances for me tonight. Except this performance, because it was so dumb. I'm gonna watch it a third time just to make sure. Yeah, I'm rolling my eyes again. It's like this song tries to be the "Hand Jive" and just makes me want to never turn on the radio again. I'll bet it's the one I hum all day today, though, and eventually I'll love the song and want to own it. HOWEVER. Currently, I can't possibly tell you how much I hate this performance. It's that bad. The faces she makes. Blech.
IDOLS 05 AND 10... Taylor is doing "Something" by the Beatles (it's from the Pop Catalog chart, which I guess means that it's top on the oldies stations?). Mmm. There's that beautiful tenor voice. He's wearing a suit, not Cap'n Tightpants. He's making this very soulful, and I love it. No dancing either. This was great. Randy: Great song, nice tender moment, I like the Beatles vibe. Paula: Very daring to sing it, you were tender. Simon: It was clever to get a 30 year-old song into this show. I think with all your campiness, I sometimes forget what a good singer you are. Taylor: Woo! Soul Patrol!
In order overall vocally:
I think bottom 2 will be Katharine and Paris. Paris is gone.
Can Any Blog Even Compete with Daily Kos at Helping Republicans?
Kos has the new litmus test for whether Dems get the Kwazy Kos Kid vote: Whether or not a politician found Stephen Colbert's performance at the White House Correspondence Dinner funny.
I think it's really only a matter of time before the Kos and his denizens start viciously murdering Democrats for imagined crimes against the "progressive base."
I'm serious, Democrats! Switch parties before these people get you!
Sorry that SarahK doesn't have her American Idol review, but she had to miss AI to go to a company function with me where I got a plaque.
But it's a really nice plaque.
I bet she's watching it off the Tivo right now and not waiting for me. Then again, the spirit really went out of her now that she doesn't have Kellie Pickler to kick around anymore.
BTW, there was some huge fire somewhere around where I lived, and we ended up having smog so thick that, when I took the dog out this morning, I could only see like ten feet in front of me.
But enough about me; how's your day?
UPDATE: SarahK reviews the American Idol top five here.
May 02, 2006
Part of the controversy with the Spanish version of our National Anthem is that parts of it were changed in translation. What was changed?
The words. They were changed to Spanish.
Carnival Of Comedy Reminder
The Carnival of Comedy this Thursday will be at AbbaGav
I added dates to the schedule! No more doing calender math in your head!
Oy! Enough with the Blowing People Up Already!
An Editorial by Allah
People are always telling me, "Hey, Allah, you should write another book. All the books you've written before were very popular; I'm not sure if anyone actually read the whole megillah, but everyone has to have one." It's not like I'm out to make some gelt, though, and I thought I already wrote everything I need to say. Plus, it's not like I have the time to write; if you could even understand how much I have to do each day, you'd plotz. Still, I thought it would be a real good chochmeh to write a column to go over a few points since so many people seem to have some facacta ideas these days.
"Yeah, I know I'm great, but know who's not so great? You schmucks."
So, the other day, I'm watching over things, and everything is going well until some deli gets blown up. And I'm all ferklempt. What's happening here? Some poor schlemazel stops in for a nosh and he gets blown up for that? And the Palestinian noodniks are kvelling over this? Oy! So the schmendrick responsible blew himself up too, and he's smiling like it's some real koontz he just did. So I ask, "What's wrong with you?"
An know what he says? He says he thought I wanted this. Oy Gevalt! So I ask him what meshungina told him I wanted all this tumul. He tells me, "Mohammed."
Mohammed! Like that's some help. There are so many Mohammeds these days that even I have trouble keeping track. I need this like I need a loch in kopp. So I tell him to draw me picture of this particular Mohammed so I know exactly what schlemiel we're talking about.
And he say no! Can you believe that chutzpah? The one true God asks him for a little doodle, and he says no. Then I finally realize what Mohammed he's talking about, the one with the real pisk on him. Oy Veyzmir! I warned that groyse macher when he wrote his Koran to be careful, because people are going to take that thing seriously. But did he listen? Now all these people are running around with these cacamaimey ideas that they can get 72 virgins by blowing themselves up on buses. What? Are they so furblungit they think I have the playboy mansion up here? That I'm going to say to them, "Mazel tov on blowing up that preschool. Now here are some shikses for you to fool around with."
I don't want to kibbutz, but some of these Muslim boychiks seem a bit sexually frustrated. What these nebbishes need to do is change out of those shmatas their wearing, clean the schmootz off their faces, not act like some chazzer, and meet some gezuntah moyyd. They have to get over this killing everybody idea, because that is not going to impress the women if that's what they want.
Now, these Muslims can be some nice people. They pray five times a day, and I'm always telling people, "Hey, you need to pray more. And, while you’re at it, call your mother. She wants to hear from you too." I don't quite get the facing Mecca part, but you have to face something, I guess. Just remember who you're praying to; Mecca may have its own McDonalds, but it didn't create the universe.
Anyway, I'd rather some of these Muslim noodniks focus a bit less on the praying and a bit more on the not killing. It's not only bad for those involved, but it's certainly not making me look good. What's this shtick about blowing up some nice people and then shouting, "Allah ackbar!"? Hok me a chinik! Yeah, I know I'm great, but know who's not so great? You schmucks. So enough with the blowing people up already.
Allah is the one true God and also the author of such books as the Torah and numerous science fiction stories for young adults.
According to a poll, one third of Americans can't find Louisiana on a map and a half of Americans can't find Mississippi.
Hrm... hold on a second. Frisky, can you find Louisiana on a map?
"It's right here."
So if you're a part of that one-third of Americans who can't find Louisiana on a map, you're dumber than a cat.
As for this news:
While Israeli-Palestinian strife has been in the news for the entire lives of the respondents, 75 percent were unable to locate Israel on a map of the Middle East.
Iran's working hard to make that 100%.
May 01, 2006
24 Day 5 - 2:00 a.m.
Previously on 24, President Estrogen admitted that Palmer's killer works for him, Marty flipped out, Estro said pretty please don't ask anymore questions, Robocop told Estro that he's saving the tape for in case the President has him offed, Miles the Weasel found Chloe at Bill Buchanan's house, Mr. F called and tipped off Bill and Chloe that CTU was on the way, Chloe (who has reapplied lipstick) couldn't leave because she's still helping Jackiepooh, Rico Suave returned to save Audrey and captured Robocop, which made SarahK happy (all except the saving Audrey part), and Audrey started to kinda sorta grow on SarahK. But she's on a really short leash! Also Jack tracked the recording to a chartered diplomatic flight and hopped aboard below deck just as the plane started to rev up, and nobody noticed.
Mr. F touches base with Bill, and Bill tells Mr. F that Jack's on the flight. Weasel shows up in Mr. F's office (Bill's office) and tells Mr. F that the team is almost at Bill's house to get Chloe. Weasel wants the remote debrief set up in Mr. F's office, but she says no, get out of here, I want my privacy, set up in the situation room, and his wussy little feelings are hurt. Bill tells Mr. F where Jack is, and Mr. F gives Chloe a secure channel to call her on. Bill tells Chloe how to escape and tells her that he'll see her later at CTU, because Mr. F is gonna have him arrested and brought in for show. Chloe looks worried and runs away with a laptop.
Before we go any further, it should be noted that Mr. F is no longer a mentally retarded female and has become totally cool. So I have to drop the Mr. part of the name, and since she's cool like a James Bond character, she gets to just go by her only remaining initial. She is now "F". People will wear t-shirts with her new name on them.
People wearing black arrive to arrest Chloe, and Bill starts undressing. He strips down to his wifebeater and messes up his hair to look like he was sleeping. The team comes in, and Bill says I'm not talking to you. I'm only talking to F, 'cause she's cool, unlike you bonehead losers. And SarahK's like, where's Wayne Palmer? Wasn't Bill babysitting him for Jack? Maybe he's sleeping in Bill's guest room.
The suits find that Chloe must have been there, so they need to question Bill. Weasel wants to question Bill at his house, F is like, No! We do it here so I can run it and derail the whole thing! And Weasel says they're wasting time, and she tells him to shut his weasely face.
Chloe walks into the hotel that Bill directed her to and sets up shop in the hotel bar. Her ethernet cable is attached to her computer, but she doesn't plug the ethernet in. She phones F to tell her where she is and tells F to not let people look for her there. F pulls up Jack's flight manifest and sends to the shared drive so Chloe can access it.
Chloe calls Jack, who's kinda busy in the plane's underbelly. Chloe's crossreferencing the passenger list against Robocop, and Jack's surprised that F is letting Chloe help Jack. Jack wants the air marshall's seat number.
This jerk in the bar is turned down by a woman and calls her a 21st century woman, because he doesn't think that his bald, frumpy physique could be to blame. Maybe it's the white button down shirt. At least go off-white. White see-thru button-down plain low-grade cotton is so "I wear tighty whiteys and don't think there's anything wrong with that." You know, this world would be a better place if all men would check with SarahK before making poor fashion decisions. Anyway, Chloe's giving him the stay away look, and I think he's gonna ignore that.
Jack tucks his JackSack away and heads into the cabin of the plane. He sits next to the air marshall, says he needs to get some sleep, and elbows the guy in the face, which knocks him out. He takes the marshall's badge, because he's sure no one will recognize that he doesn't look anything like that air marshall. Hmm. Gay and foreign-looking v. powerfully hot and apple-pie-American-looking. Yep, you could pass for him, Jack.
Chloe tells Jack that there's a German guy in a certain seat who worked with Robocop. Jack finds him and gets him to come to the galley with him, where he knocks him out and moves him into the baggage compartment.
Marty asks the guard for her meds, and he says no. "What? You think I'm gonna kill myself over that SOB? I just called the President of the United States a SOB. Isn't there a law against that? Or am I immune to laws just like he is?" She tells the guard that he has no personality, then she calls Mike Novick. Good old semi-reliable Mike. She tells Mike that they won't let her have her meds. Mike says she has enough in her system. She says no, I need it now, I don't need counseling, I need a pill. Mike dismisses the agent and closes the door. She starts crying and flashes her diamond, which is really big and really pretty. She says none of this is going away. Mike says wha? Marty says I can't tell you, but I can fumble around here so you know something is really super wrong. Maybe if you guess. Ask me questions. Give me meds. Please pill me.
Halliburton calls Estro to remind him and the viewers just how bad it will be for Jack to get ahold of the recording. Thanks for the update. Mike comes in and tells Estro that his wife is agitated and wants to medicate. Mike says, what's going on? Estro: What did Marty say is going on? Mike: Marty is agitated and needs meds, so if something's up, I should know. Estro says: It's none of your business. Mike: It is if it involves national security. Estro: Ya see... Marty and I figured out today that our marriage is nothing more than a facade, what with me being a flaming homo and all. And we have to stay married for as long as I'm president [which isn't very long, hopefully]. Give her the meds!
Jack tells Germanman that he knows who he is and wants to see his luggage because Robocop gave him something. Germanman says he doesn't know nothing.
Back in the hotel bar, Chloe gets approached by the guy who's not wearing a white button-down. I was wrong. She blows him off, and he tells her that when she comes up for air, he's buying. He should run away. She could kill him with one squint.
The flight attendant figures out that the air marshall has been assaulted and there's a passenger missing. They tell the pilot, and the air marshall comes to and figures out that his gun is missing. He goes looking for Jack. Meanwhile, there's major turbulence going on, because it is physically impossible for an action show or movie to film an airplane scene without there being turbulence to make the fights more interesting. Physically impossible.
Mike shows up with Marty's meds, and she downs some with wine. Mike wants Marty to tell him what's going on, and says that he knows she and Estro are covering something up. She doesn't tell him her husband is a treasonous fool.
Chloe realizes that the Germanman isn't the guy because he was tied up in customs when Robocop was making the handoff. The air marshall, who's now looking extremely Arab and guilty, has the flight attendant tell the pilot that they've cleared the baggage compartment and can depressurize it. "But there's a passenger with the guy! He could die!" Air marshall still wants it done. Guilty! Jack realizes what's going on and calls Chloe to have him patched in to the pilot. Chloe calls F for help, and F calls air traffic control.
Meanwhile, the guy in the bar keeps going after Chloe and tells her he can help her steal bandwidth. Really? Have a seat! He sits, he asks what sweet piece of machine she's working on, she tasers him and says, "CTU Series 4." F patches Chloe and Jack through, and Jack says he's a federal agent and tries to convince the pilot to open the hatch. Pilot says no, Jack tells him that someone on board is a danger to the captain, and the captain says no. Jack calls the pilot an SOB, opens a panel, and pulls on some wires to move the plane from side to side. Captain gives in and tells the flight attendant to open the hatch and let Jack out. Jack grabs his purse, leaves Germanman there, and climbs out. He makes the Guilty Air Marshall get into the baggage compartment and closes the hatch.
Jack walks through the cabin waving the gun and yells at everyone. He gets on the phone with the captain and tells him to keep him in a holding pattern until he finds the national security evidence, and the captain says no, I have to land. Jack's mad.
How many blades can one possibly need in a razor? I use 1 and 2 blade razors. I refuse to go higher.
FAA calls Estro and tells him about the plane being commandeered by Jack. Estro tells Halliburton, who tells him to order the plane down and arrest Jack at the airport.
Bill is brought in to call Weasel a pinkytoe kisser. SarahK laughs. Weasel calls Mike Novick to second-guess F, and he sounds very whiny. Mike says, "Noted. Get off my phone." Meanwhile, F takes the cameras in her questioning room offline so Weasel can't watch. She tells Bill Jack has about 15 minutes. Estro & Mike call, and Estro tells F that the plane is to land, and Secret Service is to take Jack dead or alive. She hangs up on the president.
Bill says they have to buy Jack more time. F says she can't keep the plane in the air.
Novick says Jack's on the right side. Estro says he's backed into a corner right now, and he's hijacked a plane. "Jack's been lying to us all day. He's played us all for fools." Mike isn't buying what Estro's selling.
Chloe's tasered guy wakes up, and Chloe re-tasers him. She finds out that the copilot was replaced at the last minute by someone who worked for Robocop for over a year. Chloe patches Jack through to the pilot where the copilot can't hear. A hero tries to attack Jack from behind but only gets halfway up the aisle before Jack waves his gun around.
Jack tells the pilot that the copilot's bad. Pilot fakes a leg cramp, copilot attacks pilot with a flashlight, and pilot gets door open as he falls. Jack busts in and points gun at copilot. Jack tells copilot he doesn't look like he's willing to die for Robocop, and the copilot hands over the recording. Jack tells Chloe to call CTU and tell them he's in control of the plane and has the evidence.
Estro gets a call from Marty, who sounds like she's swallowed a whole bottle of pills and is crying and saying goodbye-ish. Estro tells her he didn't trust her because she's been wacko for 3 years. He hangs up on her and talks to Halliburton, who tells him that they heard Chloe tell F that Jack's got the plane and the evidence. Halliburton tells Estro he's gonna have to shoot down the plane, or go to jail for treason and murder. Beep boop all that.
Next week, the President orders people to shoot down the plane. Jack tries to get the plane landed first. Novick is confused.
Ducky's Lair-Type Jewish Commentary
Here's today's riddle boys and girls. An Islamic Imam whacked a six year old girl on the face. (HT: Little Green Footballs) The reason: For stepping on his precious prayer rug. Why would a representative of the Religion of Peace so something so violent to such a young girl? What excuse you he possible have?
Answer below the fold.
Because she stepped on it while carrying her jooooooos box.
Chicken Hawk and the 101st Fighting Keyboardists FAQ
Q. Cool! What's its wingspan?
Q. The female is bigger.
Q. So why do supporters of the war get called "chicken hawks" like its an insult?
Q. What's the long answer?
Q. What's the medium-length answer?
Q. Liberals seem to use the phrase "chicken hawk" against people who aren't in the military? Do liberals want a government where decisions are only made by those in the military?
Q. But they say they support the troops!
Q. So what would happen if someone in the military tried to debate them on the issues?
Q. Who reads newspapers anymore? They're gay.
Q. It doesn't sound like there is any point in trying to debate anti-war liberals.
Q. In a documentary about prehistoric times, I learned about something called a "record player." Apparently, sometimes a record player would "skip" and cause the same thing to be repeated over and over. The solution was to strike the record player really hard. Would this work against liberals?
Q. Shouldn't one who thinks we should be in war then join to fight in that war?
Q. But you own plenty of guns.
Mainly my wife.
Q. Why would the media front be important?
Q. Which is?
Q. But can bloggers really help?
Q. But I thought the liberal-media had no shame?
Q. So why use the chicken hawk as the symbol for the 101st Fighting Keyboardists?
Q. I'm active duty in the military. Can I still be a member of the 101st Fighting Keyboardists?
Q. Writing sounds hard. I just want to join the military and kill terrorists.
Q. What happened to the 1st through 100th Fighting Keyboardists?
Q. This sounds scary.
Q. I don't like that gringo Bush because of his lax stance on illegal immigration and his spending. Can I still be a part of the 101st Fighting Keyboardists?
Q. Is that why the liberals hate Bush so much?
Q. It's kinda like when anything goes wrong, small minds just blame the Jews.
Q. Do the liberals want American troops to fail?
Q. They sound like ghouls.
Q. So are they against America?
It's their war. Why aren't they fighting it?
As you see, they don't consider the current war on terror and the fight of American troops to be their concern. It's the war of "other people."
But don't question their patriotism.
Q. Why not?
Q. How can you question what is not there?
Q. Okay! I'm in! I want to be a part of the 101st Fighting Keyboardist and help kill and devour the chickens out there! How do I sign up?
Now keep your keyboard clean and battle ready.
Evil Mentiras (Evil Lie) On Mexican Work Day
How Cow! I knew Glenn Reynolds had influence, but never in my life did I imagine that the Puppy Blender controlled the minds of so many innocent, hardworking Undocumented Americans.
Here's a picture of Glenn at a recent rally.
Please note that these are innocent people who came here with the sole goal of feeding their families. Now when little Miguel and Carmen go to bed, they have bellies full of Puppy Milkshake!! Is this the full extent of the puppy blender's influence on Mexican-undocumneted American's lives? No way, Jose!
Just look at these amazing true lies about Glenn "the Puppy Blender" Reynolds. ..
* The Mexican American border is completely unsecured, allowing the flow of Mexican workers, drug smugglers, and puppy breeders.
* The entire economy of Mexico is almost enought to buy advertising on Instapundit for one month. Two if Glenn is buying lots of puppies.
* The sombrero was invented when Glenn demanded an entertaining way for his workers to make puppies race around on the top of their heads.
* The former currency of Mexico used to be the Insta-Peso.
* Don't Drink the Water was a campaign started by Glenn. The purpose: To export more puppy smoothies!
* Mexican Folk dancing was very ballet oriented. Until Glenn got bored and made puppies run through the Mexican Hat Stomping Maze of Doom.
That's right. Evil Glenn has tremendous control over these poor illegal-Americans. Now he's using them to march on Los Angeles in a desperate attempt to gain even more power for his Insta-Empire.
What can we do about it?
Nothing. But let's hope he gives us a link.
In honor of Make A Mexican Do all the work today, we have a special guest commentator: El Guapo.
Hello friends. I am grateful for the plethora of opportunity that you, the wonderful fans, give me at IMAO. In recent news, "fans gathered outside a hospital Sunday where Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards was reportedly being treated for a mild concussion he suffered after falling out of a palm treewhile vacationing in Fiji."
This leads me to ask...
In My Mundo
Presidente Fox looked at his TV screen. The news had just shown a segment on the millions of Mexican workers in California.
“In very little time, we can claim the entire California economy as our own. That means we will be the sixth largest economy in the world. Muy Bueno!”
Vicente’s assistant, Manuel, didn’t quite understand. “What does Moy Bono mean?”
“Doesn’t anybody around here speak Spanish?”
“I think some of the tourists. Anyway, you can’t claim the entire California economy, you have to average it mathematically with our own.”
“That is correct. So After factoring in California, where would we be?”
“Averaging in the California economy, we’d be 198th. Slightly behind Nigeria!”
“How can we catch up to those people? They’ve got those stupid You Can Feed This Boy For Just 20 Cents a Day Commercials running day and night?”
“Maybe we could ask for charity?”
Vicente picked up an old , stale hamburger and chucked it at Manuel. Mexico, in an attempt to become more hip, had tried to make it’s own hamburger recipe. The end result being maximum diarrhea and food poisoning. Millions of hamburgers were discarded to an undisclosed location .
“Manuel, Mexico does not ask for charity. Now get me President Bush on the phone, I need to demand more rights for our workers in America. I just complaint from a citizen saying he had to wait two weeks for his free hernia operation”
“I can’t. Our operators are all on strike in sympathy for the Mexican workers in America. Remember, today is the day when everyone is calling out sick in America.”
“Is there nobody here who can operate a simple switchboard?” Vicente asked.
“Well, we have Pepe the Mule. Pepe was a good phone operator until he started getting bored and he started making crank calls to foreign countries. Should I have him patch you through?”
Manuel looked puzzled. “Huh?”
“Yes, estupido. YES. That means immediately! Curse that stupid Ingles Sin Barreras course. Now nobody in Mexico speaks English. Pretty soon we’ll have to take all of our government documents and translate them into foreign languages. Be this the end of our culture? I yearn to be among those who speak Spanish. I need a trip to Los Angeles.”
The phone rang in the oval office. “Mr President, this is going to sound strange, but I have a jackass on line 4 for you.”
President Bush laughed. “You tell Al Gore that I won this last election fair and square. Send him another box of chocolates. I love watching him get fat.”
“No, Mr. President. I mean, Pepe the Mule is calling from Mexico.”
President Bush picked up the phone. “Hi Pepe. I don’t know anything about Prince Albert in a can. And I certainly don’t know anything about us sending him to a foreign country to help us with our torture. What? Oh, yeah. Let me talk to Vinnie.”
“Mr. Bush, I demand that you allow more illegal Mexican immigrants into your country, and that you educated them, give them jobs, and free healthcare!!”
“But my base of loyal Republicans supporters will be upset with me!”
“You know I could never say no to you, Pepe!”
“It’s Vicente. Not Pepe.”
President Bush’s latest creation, the Tony Snow-maton stepped up the microphone to address the press corps. “We’ve called this press conference to address the serious concerns this nation has about securing our nation and keeping it safe. Any questions? How about you, Crypt Keeper?”
Helen Thomas answered, “I told you to stop calling me that! Anyway, what are you going to do about this horrible torture that is being inflicted on Arabs?”
“Yes,” Helen continued. “I just stepped off of Air Force One and all they play on that is Fox News. I couldn’t stand their coverage of world events. For a minute there, I almost started rooting for America.”
“Helen, I understand all you’ve been through. As a special treat for what you folks have endured, we’ve prepared a special lunch. Mexican Hamburgers.”
President Bush turned on this TV. "I've done another great day of work. My poll numbers are sure to improve by now. What's this? One of those Feed the Kiddies commercial."
Announcer: This is Manuel. Manuel has nothing in this world but his little donkey Pepe. Please, won't you help us feed Pepe? And Manuel, too? For just 26 cents a day, you too can make a difference in the lives...."
Who needs immigrants when we have cats!
Okay, so today's supposed to be some kind of "Day Without Immigrants" thing where illegals and their supporters will not go to work, skip school, and rally in various cities across the country.
Fine. We don't need you. Because we citizens have a secret weapon up out sleeves: cats.
We will replace you with cats.
They will serve our meals:
"If there isn't anything else I can bring you,
I'll just go lick myself in the corner."
Protect our homes:
Now where's the catnip?"
Perform mindless computer office work:
"I'll have the reports ready by five."
"Baseball been berry berry good to me!"
"Gatos pickos del ninjas... um...nachos...
what's the word for orange again?
Pack beverage products:
"Laverne and Shirley can kiss my
furry orange ass."
Serve in our armed forces:
"One move, and the mosque gets it."
"The hardest part is stringing the laces
when you don't have thumbs."
"I much prefer gas-powered trimmers
to those annoying electrics."
"Why is it always a scurvy dog?
We cats can get scury, too, I think."
And bird care:
"Sing, or you don't get this birdseed."
So, illegal immigrants and their defenders, you have a very important choice today. You can either go about your business today as normal, or you may find yourself replaced by a cat.
Today Is Make the Mexican Do All the Work Day
By a unanimous decision of me, today is Make the Mexican Do All the Work Day. Thus, RightWingDuck will have to write an In My World™, compose a filthy lie about Glenn Reynolds, snark a TV show, do a funny photoshop, write some self-deprectating Jewish humor, and do whatever is that spacemonkey does plus his HTML hacking (expect the site to be down for periods at a time unrealted to Saudis).
Wish Ducky luck, and he just might earn his $1.75 an hour.
It's My Service Revolver
Being a housewife, I watch soap operas. Actually, just one soap -- General Hospital.
So the other day I was watching the show. Lucky Spencer is a cop, and he's in the hospital (Frank always asks if anything actually happens at a hospital, and the answer is yes). Lucky hurt his back shortly after his partner was killed in a shootout. So now Lucky's self-medicating to the point that they took away his morphine drip and he only gets his super happy pills. And he thinks he saw his wife in a cozy conversation with this cad doctor (Rick Springfield's son) who hits on all the women, married or no. Lucky didn't actually see Elizabeth in a cozy conversation, but he's wacked out, so there's no telling him that.
Ok, so Lucky's brother Nicholas walked into Lucky's hospital room and saw Lucky loading rounds into the magazine of his semi-automatic pistol. The pistol was sitting on the bed.
NICHOLAS: Lucky, what are you doing? Where did you get that gun?
I laughed a long while.
Despite Terrorists Threats, IMAO Will Still Try an Be Funny
As we all know, IMAO was brought down by either Saudian Arabian terrorists or Manbearpig, who is half man, half bear, half pig. Apparently, attacks were aimed at Aaron's Rantblog which is still having trouble staying up. When it is up, make sure to send him hatemail for angering the Saudian Arabians, some of the world's most peaceful people.
Despite these setback, IMAO will continue to move forward, making jokes about punching liberals in the face to conceal our hidden desires to kick liberals in the knee.
Remember: Only you - and the United States Military - can prevent terrorism.