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May 31, 2006
Spacemonkeys Unite!
Posted by spacemonkey at 04:34 PM | Email This

Apparently these are popping up everywhere.

Unfortunately I can't talk about it.

Rating: 2.4/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (11)
I Wonder If There Will Still Be Internets in the Future
Posted by Frank J. at 04:24 PM | Email This

Tomorrow Jim Baen's Universe, the new science fiction e-zine, premiers. They have a pretty big lineup of authors - and hopefully I'll be among them soon (one editor liked my short story, but I'm waiting on the main editor to give his verdict; if it doesn't work out, then I shall try again with a new story - actually, I'll write a new story either way). I was just going to plug them for the heck of it, but then I found out it has an affiliate program, so you can click on the link below, check it out (there's a flash animated cover), and, if you subscribe (which comes with free stuff), I get some money.

So, click the link below and have a look-see; we'll still be here.

Baens Universe Logo
Help Save Science Fiction at Jim Baen's Universe!

Rating: 2.0/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (2)
Grudgingly Admitting That the French Aren't Completely Useless
Posted by Harvey at 03:04 PM | Email This

Driving through Paris at speeds up to 140 mph, blowing red lights, narrowly missing cars, pedestrians, and pigeons.

A 9-minute video thrill ride that I thought you guys might like.

[Hat tip: Snooze Button Dreams]

(Full background story in the extended entry)

Read More...


Rating: 2.9/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (19)
GOP Loses Congress, Bush Impeached,
Rove Indicted, Pigs Fly
Posted by spacemonkey at 01:21 PM | Email This

Like my headline? These events aren't made up they're just too far in front of the news cycle.

Which is to say they aren't true, but only because they haven't happened YET.

Any other unlikely headlines you can think of that the Left would believe just because they want it to be true SOOOOOOO bad?

Rating: 2.4/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (22)
QUERY: Cell Phone
Posted by Laurence Simon at 12:59 PM | Email This

Okay, so my plan is up at Verizon and I'm getting a little tired keying in my text messages on the numeric keypad of my slidey-phone.

Since I text more than I call, I figure I ought to get a text device that doubles as a cell phone and not the other way around.

I've asked the IFOC audience this every now and then, and now it's time to toss the net into the ocean of wisdom that is the IMAO audience...

Required features:
SMS capability
Alpha keypad
Alarm clock
Records voice memos
Ability to play Backgammon when waiting for things

Optional:
Email capability
Sync to computer
Plays MP3s
Takes some form of common data card
Simple headset
Web browsing
Decent battery life
Isn't the size of a concrete block

Not critical:
Camera
Bluetooth
Funky ringtones (I tend to leave phones on vibrate-silent mode)

Preferred carrier is Cingular/AT&T.

Suggestions? Personal experience?

Rating: 2.5/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (16)
In My World: It's Ain't Easy Being a Congressman
Posted by Frank J. at 12:56 PM | Email This

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales stormed into the Oval Office. "Those gringos in Congress keep trying to stop me from investigating them. When I came to search for more bribery evidence, they told me to 'go eat some burritos.' I think that might have been an ethnic slur, but I still took the suggestion." Alberto took a bite from his burrito.

"Something is up with that Congress!" Bush declared. "Last time I visited them, I think I saw them forging my signature on bills." Bush shot to his feet and knocked over his desk. "It's time to break up whatever racket they have going." He looked to Alberto. "First, I'll need one of your burritos because I'm hungry."

"Get your own."

"Aww."

* * * *

Bush kicked open the doors to Congress. "Where are you, Denny? It's time to talk."

Dennis Hastert turned to face Bush. He was wearing a pimp hat, holding a pimp cane, and surrounded by hos. "What's the matter, Dubya? Everything is cool here."

"Then how come I heard that you’re selling drugs to the kids who come here on field trips?"

"What kid snitched on me?" Hastert demanded angrily as he shook his cane in the air. "Sounds like someone is in need of a pimp slap!"

"I know something is going on here!" Bush declared. "I want you to cooperate with the FBI!"

"There ain't nothing to find here, so why don't you get out of here before I put my foot up your ass."

Bush rolled up his sleeves. "You're pushing me, Hastert. Just look at my poll numbers; I ain't got nothing to lose."

Nancy Pelosi walked over and looked at Bush with disgust. "What does he want?"

"He thinks he needs to let the FBI investigate our offices," Hastert explained.

"That's silly," Pelosi said. "That's just the Executive Branch overreaching."

"What do you have to hide?" Bush asked suspiciously. "Are you trying to keep the FBI from finding out you're actually an evil sewer mutant?"

"I'll feast upon your blood!" Pelosi shrieked and leapt at Bush, but Hastert held her back with his pimp cane.

"Dubya, why don't you get out of here before we pass a bipartisan declaration saying that you're a square," Hastert said.

"But... but... I'm cool!"

Hastert adjusted his pimp hat. "Then let Congress do what Congress does."

Bush hung his head. "Okay. I'll go."

"When you're on your way out could you give this to a guy waiting on the corner?" Hastert handed something wrapped in tin foil to Bush.

"What is it?"

"Nothing... but don't look in it."

* * * *

Bush dialed a number on the phone. "Hey, Laura! I need you to bail me out of prison again... I didn't understand the charges; they said they'll explain them to me in court tomorrow... Well, I don't think I did anything wrong, but you stay away from Congress! You'll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy... That was from Star Wars; I'm so proud you recognized that... Is there anything else I need? Well… uh… tell Alberto to share his burritos!"

Rating: 2.9/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (11) | In My World
Yay! I'm Like a Publisher!
Posted by Frank J. at 12:40 PM | Email This

I have ISBN numbers! We're much closer to having the first In My World™ book ready to order. We're aiming for the fourth IMAO blogoversary (July 9th), so stay tuned.

Oh, and I'm finishing up a new IMW which should be up in the next hour.

Rating: 3.0/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (7)
Things You Didn't Know About Jesse MacBeth
Posted by Harvey at 10:58 AM | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assigment)

In order to make America look bad, Iraq Veterans Against the War hooked up with compulsive liar Jesse MacBeth, who made up wild stories of his adventures in toddler-slaughtering while he served in Iraq.

Only problem being that he didn't actually DO any toddler-slaughtering.

Because he wasn't in Iraq.

Or even enlisted in the US Armed Forces.

Ever.

However, one small fib (ok, THREE) shouldn't make you doubt Jesse's character. I'm sure that - thirty years from now - CBS will find memos that confirm his story, as well as some of the other claims he made during his startling video interview:



* While working for Hitler, he invented the Jewsy-Bake Oven.

* Personally light-sabered the entire village of Tusken Raiders who killed his mom.

* Told Natalie Maines what to say through a hidden earpiece during the Dixie Chicks infamous London concert.

* Worked as a boy-toy delivery driver for Michael Jackson.

* Spent days chumming the waters off Amity Beach right before tourist season.

* Manufactured O-rings for NASA.

* Programming code writer for the HAL 9000 computer.

* ...AND those twitchy A/2 series androids.

* Planned the Imperial defense of Endor's moon against the Ewoks.

* Stalked the streets of London as "Jesse the Ripper"

* While head elf for Santa, he would randomly remove kids' names from the "nice" list.

* "New Coke"

* Converted "Who Let the Dogs Out?" into a ringtone.

* Drove a tank at Tiananmen Square.

* Invented telemarketing.

* Was the first person to say to a Palestinian, "Ya know, if you pushed the Jews into the sea, you'd finally have your own homeland."

* Wrote "The Communist Manifesto".

* Killed the scientist who invented the 200 mpg carburetor.

* Designed the unpronouncable symbol by which Prince was known for 7 years.

* "Jar-Jar"



Despite that last one, I heard that Imperial Veterans Against Star Wars is STILL continuing to support him.

Rating: 3.0/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (15) | Precision Guided Humor Assignments
Self-Defense Actually Reported by the AP!
Posted by Frank J. at 10:57 AM | Email This

Five robbers with firearms versus a former Marine with a pocket knife. Guess who wins?

The sad thing was the one robber killed in the attack was a woman who was two-weeks pregnant (it was clear self-defense, but still). There are all these warning for pregnant women such as don't smoke and don't drink. I guess "don't mug people" should be added to the list now.

UPDATE: New reports say she wasn't pregnant. And the story is acutally linked to on CNN's frontpage (acutally, I saw it there first and figured Blackfive would have commentary).

Rating: 3.0/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Carnival Of Comedy Reminder
Posted by spacemonkey at 10:19 AM | Email This

CoC_Hah.jpg

The 57th Carnival of Comedy is tomorrow, June 1st! Thursday! And it will be at The MoxArgon Group's place! Really!

Get those entries in to here, or here!

Schedule
Jun 08, #58- Jerry Dante [language]
Jun 15, #59- FIAR!

Rating: 3.3/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (1)
Hate To Correct Frank J., But...
Posted by Harvey at 08:46 AM | Email This

In this post on the advantages of a putting a wall of flame along the Mexican border, Frank said:

Can't be graffitied. Fire burns paint.

Never underestimate the power of Mexican ingenuity:

(click to enlarge)

The rest of his points still hold true, though.

Say... what do you suppose is painted on the other side of this flaming wall?

Rating: 2.9/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (17)
May 30, 2006
The Top 100's AFI ignores
Posted by Laurence Simon at 09:00 PM | Email This

The American Film Institute is celebrating its 100 year anniversary with a smattering of Top 100 lists, timed for release to the press for maximum irrelevance and overuse by the issue-averse MSM.

Quotes? Scores? Passions? Thrills?

Give me a break.

How about some cool Top 100 Lists?

100. Top 100 "Cigarette Burn" Moments
99. Top 100 Films Where The Earth Is Destroyed
98. Top 100 Key Grips
97. Top 100 Movies Based On Television Shows
96. Top 100 Performances By Actors Or Actresses Who Worked Despite An Injury On The Set
95. Top 100 Films That Never Made It To The Theater And Ended Up With Just One Copy In Someone's Vault For Decades
94. Top 100 Most Impressive Mustaches
93. Top 100 Outrageous Accents
92. Top 100 Shots Of The World Trade Center
91. Top 100 Dogfights
90. Top 100 Characters That Are 180 Degrees Politically From The Person Portraying Them, But They Do It For The Paycheck

Read More...


Rating: 2.9/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (29)
Headline of the Day
Posted by Laurence Simon at 02:46 PM | Email This

AP: Jury Finds Muhammad Guilty in Sniper Trial

Well, what did you expect after drawing all those cartoons mocking the guy?

Rating: 2.6/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (6)
A Union Boss Is Gone, So Just Be Happy
Posted by Frank J. at 02:01 PM | Email This

Did you know the FBI is still looking for Jimmy Hoffa? I guess if you lose a Hoffa, it will just dog you until you find him again. So did they check the couch? I lose stuff a lot either under couch cushions or under the couch itself if the cats were batting it around. When they last saw Hoffa, were the cats playing with him?

And, are they sure they have his home phone number right? Maybe the reason they called his house and never got an answer all these years is they were dialing the wrong number. Hoffa could just have been home all this time watching TV while the FBI dialed the wrong number looking for him; won't they feel dumb if that's true.

Rating: 2.5/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (8)
America Has Too Many Citizens
An Editorial by Frank J.
Posted by Frank J. at 12:12 PM | Email This

 The other day, I saw some weird thing I didn't understand. It was some electronic thing with blinking lights. I smashed it with a bat. You may say, "Hey, Frank, you shouldn't have been so quick to smash that with a bat. You should have waited to find out what that was; it could have been a good thing." To which I say, "Hey, Pollyanna, it also could have been a bad thing that could have destroyed us all. All I know for certain was that I didn't understand it, so I smashed it with a bat. That's my policy." There are some things, though, that I don't understand but am unable to smash with a bat. Like, I don't understand why America has so many citizens. So, when I can't understand something but also can't smash it with a bat, I write an editorial. In a way, editorials are my bats to smash concepts I don't understand, and, in this case, why America has so many citizens is the electronic thing with blinky lights that needs to be smashed.

"With each revision, I get a longer period of non-murderous fruit-picking."

 Do you know how many citizens America has? Hundreds of millions. That's a lot of people. To put it in a concept easier to grasp, think of one man standing in an auditorium. Now, think of a hundred million times that. And think of some of them as Mexican. That's scary!

 Every day, the best and brightest of other countries come to America to be citizens, but, at the same time, we don't throw out our worst and dumbest. Why? Well, everyone who is born in America gets citizenship automatically. I know; it's not like being born is such an accomplishment (well, it's a bit harder since Roe v. Wade), but, still, that's all you have to do and you're here forever even if you're a moron and you suck. That's not right. Everyone should have to prove his or her citizenship.

 Of course, I would easily get citizenship. I work hard, I am super-smart, and I know how to use firearms; I'm the model every citizen should follow. I'm even working on making robots to pick fruit so we don't need illegal aliens to do that. So far, they all eventually go on murderous rampages, but, with each revision, I get a longer period of non-murderous fruit-picking. Anyway, I could not understand how anyone could think I should not be a citizen. In fact, I would smash such a person with a bat.

 So, smart people who design fruit-picking robots should be citizens, but smelly hippies who whine about America should not. For each immigrant we take, we should deport at least three hippies. Other countries may not like us forcing them to take our wretched refuse, but that's why we have a whole military designed to kill foreigners. They can make countries like whatever we want them to like.

 So let's make a better country by being more discriminate about our citizens. First thing, let's revoke everyone's citizenship, including especially Congress's. Then, everyone has to prove their worth or be deported to whatever country we're currently bullying. It may not be Constitutional, but the Supreme Court will have their citizenship revoked too, so the point is moot.

Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as "Making Robots Less-Murderous: A Beginner's Guide to Robot Design" and "Smashing Hamlet with a Bat: A Guide to Shakespeare from Someone Who Didn't Understand It".

Rating: 2.2/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (18) | Best of IMAO 2006 ~ | Editorials
Who Doesn't Love a Giant Flaming Wall?
Posted by Frank J. at 10:14 AM | Email This

I hear some private citizens are going to construct their own wall along the Mexican border in the style of the wall the Israelis built to keep crazies from trying to blown them up. I think this is a bad idea. If we have walls like the Israelis, then we'll be just like them, and I want to worship Jesus. I have a better idea.

A wall of fire!

It would be like one of those eternal flame memorials, except all along the Mexican border and the fire would shoot up 25 feet in the air. And think of the advantages of a wall of flame:

* Can't be graffitied. Fire burns paint.

* Can't be scaled. Fire is not only hot, it is not a solid.

* It'll be really cool looking. Think of all the tourism to see the wall of fire. And it will be great to have barbecues next to.

* Illegal immigrants are much more scared of fire than concrete. There are studies to prove this.

This looks like an awesome idea. Considering the cost, we could build one along the Canadian border too. With all this focus on the Mexicans, let's not forget those devious canuks. Not even their armies of meese will be able to get past our flames.

Just more outside of the box thinking from your friend Frank J. Hell, I lost my box years ago.

Rating: 2.2/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (29) | Best of IMAO 2006
Hey, Everybody!
Posted by Frank J. at 09:37 AM | Email This

Hope everyone had a great weekend (or a solemn one, if you actually observed the holiday). Anyway, I haven't been following the news for more than four days, so I have some catching up to do. I saw that Senator Reid got free ringside boxing tickets, though. Man, I want free stuff like that.

Heh. I can just imagine Reid at those boxing matches, rising to his feet and screaming, "Finish him!" That Reid is a badass; you don't want to mess with him.

BTW, since I found out my video software is so easy to use and YouTube.com gives me free hosting, I may do some more flogging (v-blogging, if you must) in the future. I have my ideas (other than more video of Rowdi swimming). What would you guys want to see?

Rating: 2.6/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (15)
May 29, 2006
Memorial Day Non Humor
Posted by spacemonkey at 02:10 PM | Email This

Seems like honoring the war dead by honoring their last wish, or what one might assume would be their last wish) is a pretty dadgum good idea. Check out the Fallen Heroes Last Wish Foundation

About the Foundation The objective of this foundation is to grant the last wish of the U.S. servicemembers who have been lost in Operation Iraqi Freedom: to provide for their children.

I'm sending them some coin.

This is from the comments.

Those of us who have served, did not do so for the pay-we could make more money digging ditches.
We did not do so for glory-what use is glory to a corpse?
We did not serve because we wanted to kill, the military gets rid of those characters as quickly as possible.
We served because we love our way of life and wanted to assure the same for our children.
Service is an honor, one which all too many of us were spit upon for doing. I support the Fallen Heroes, for it could have been me.

Rating: 3.3/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (3)
Let's Make Fun of the Idiots
Posted by Harvey at 12:55 PM | Email This

Withered old hippy Neil Young has penned hisself a 21st century protest song, "Let's Impeach The President". Lyrics as follows:

Let’s impeach the president for lying
And leading our country into war
Abusing all the power that we gave him
And shipping all our money out the door

He’s the man who hired all the criminals
The White House shadows who hide behind closed doors
And bend the facts to fit with their new stories
Of why we have to send our men to war

Let’s impeach the president for spying
On citizens inside their own homes
Breaking every law in the country
By tapping our computers and telephones

What if Al Qaeda blew up the levees
Would New Orleans have been safer that way
Sheltered by our government’s protection
Or was someone just not home that day?

Let’s impeach the president
For hijacking our religion and using it to get elected
Dividing our country into colors
And still leaving black people neglected

Thank god he’s cracking down on steroids
Since he sold his old baseball team
There’s lot of people looking at big trouble
But of course the president is clean

Thank God

Inspired by his complete inabilty to master the art of meter & rhyme after 40 years of penning pompous squeals of indignation, I've decided to write my own counter-protest song. I just hope it's clumsy and unsingable enough to become a hit with the tie-dyed intellectuals.



LET'S MAKE FUN OF THE IDIOTS

Let's make fun of the idiots who're lying
Trying to make our country lose the war
Abusing all the freedom of speech they have
And shipping the truth right out the door

They're the men who cheer on the terrorists
The murderers plotting behind closed doors
Leaving out facts to fit their agendas
Forgetting who struck first to start the war.

Let's make fun of the idiots who say it's spying
To listen to terrorists because they're calling from home
To other terrorists outside the country
I guess it's their right to plan killings over the phone.

They think that George Bush blew up the levees
Poor construction wouldn't make them fail that way
Don't point fingers at Ray Nagin's government
Because he couldn't find any bus drivers that day

Let's make fun of the idiots
For smearing Bush just to try to get elected
Campaigning on the politics of color
Yet still leaving black people neglected

It's sad to see these people stuck on stupid
In this war they're rooting for the enemy's team
The New York Times prints state secrets on the front page.
But they say their consciences are still clean

It's sad.



Hopefully Neil Young will retire soon so that I never have to dirty myself this way again.

Rating: 2.9/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (22) | Songs & Poems
My Memorial Day Celebration
Posted by Harvey at 06:36 AM | Email This

Today it will be 93 degrees in Wisconsin, and I'll be mowing my lawn and cursing the heat.

I am grateful to those who lost their lives making it possible for me to have the freedom to own a lawn that needs mowing.

And to do my cursing in English instead of German, Japanese, or Russian.

Thank you.

Rating: 3.2/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (10)
May 28, 2006
R.I.P. Paul Gleason
Posted by Laurence Simon at 07:15 PM | Email This

From The Breakfast Club:

Richard Vernon: Now this is the thought that wakes me up in the middle of the night. That when I get older, these kids are going to take care of me.

Carl: I wouldn't count on it.

Moot point.

Read More...


Rating: 2.8/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (5)
In Frank's World - Fan Fiction
Posted by Harvey at 12:26 PM | Email This

Morgnet continues Buck Wild at the UN:
Part 4: UN Security Boogaloo.
Part 5: Fear the 'Stache! (Caution: some mental imagery may cause permanent damage to your mind's eye)
Part 6: When Lime Green Ninjas Attack! The Final Chapter

The Order of the Blue Square has a slice of D.C. life:

No, silly, that couldn't be the president. He always travels with lots of bodyguards and things called 'motorcades,' honey."

"But he looks lost and confused, just like on TV!" she responded.

Think you can write better In My World fan fiction than these drunken monkeys? Prove it, and leave a link in the comments.

Rating: 2.7/5 (30 votes cast)

Comments (3) | In My World - Fan Fiction
May 27, 2006
Dog Flogging!
Posted by Frank J. at 06:18 PM | Email This

Or "Dog V-Blogging" as the un-hip might call it. While so many bloggers are stuck in the stoneage doing cat-blogging, I'm dog flogging (flim + blogging). Here is my first dog flogging "Rowdi Likes to Swim":

Rating: 2.5/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (18)
Instapundit's Work Clothes
Posted by Harvey at 04:08 PM | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

You may have noticed that - from time to time - John Hawkins of Right Wing News will re-post an entry from IMAO in its entirety.

Which is fine with us.

It's not that we condone plagiarism (we're NOT the New York Times), but it's because of the sweet kickbacks he gives us. Usually scotch & hookers.

Except for Frank, who gets paid with sacks of monkey skulls, which he uses to decorate the altar of his Zatoichi shrine.

However, I recently got an e-mail from John, saying that he'd maxed out his tab at Leroy's House O' Ho's, and asked if we'd take an interview with Glenn Reynolds as payment, instead. John's a good guy, so I said "yes". I'm just hoping Frank will be too busy working on his In My World book to notice the absence of simian craniums in the mail this week.

Anyway, here's the interview:



JOHN: I see that you've recently taken a stand in favor of professorial nudity. Is that how you normally dress for work yourself?

GLENN: HEAVENS no! Exposing hairy man-boobs is ALWAYS a bad idea, which explains the pathetic sales of Michael Moore's documentary "Bowling for Fat Guys in Speedos". However, I will confess that - in the pursuit of pedagogical goals - I have been known to don a costume on occasion.

JOHN: So you're saying that you dressed as a Catholic priest?

GLENN: I said "pedagogical"! Try using a dictionary for something besides propping up the short leg of the sofa.

JOHN: Actually, that's what I use "An Army of Davids" for. Anyway, I want to hear more about these costumes of yours.

GLENN: Well, it all started when I was re-evaluating a data study from the Center for Applied Psychological Hermeneutics, which discovered that between 56% and 58% of over 16,000 freshman students at three state universities were...

JOHN: ...probably as bored as I am. Can we get to the costumes?

GLENN: You have the attention span of a caffeinated ferret.

JOHN: Still bored, here.

GLENN: Fine. There was this costume:

that I wore for a class called "Civil Suit Alchemy - Turning Pain Into Gold". Students were told to find grounds to sue Superman.

JOHN: Impossible! He's the ultimate Boy Scout! He won't even fly across the street against a red light!

GLENN: True, but with a good expert witness, you can convince a jury that his X-ray vision gave your client cancer.

JOHN: You have no conscience.

GLENN: Lawyer.

JOHN: Touché. So what else have you worn?

GLENN: Same class, next day:

glenn elf.jpg

JOHN: So you want to sue elves for making defective Christmas toys?

GLENN: Ya know, a lot of first-year law students make that same mistake. But when you sue, you should always go for the target with the deepest pockets. Thus the title of the lecture: "When In Doubt, Sue Santa".

JOHN: How do you sleep at night?

GLENN: On a mattress stuffed with contingency fees.

JOHN: Any other costumes?

GLENN: Well, I often wear this one when I discuss Marbury v. Madison during my lecture on the Federal separation of powers:

JOHN: What do penguins have to do with...

GLENN: WHOOPS! How'd THAT one get in there!... Hey! Look at the time. I gotta go!

JOHN: Well, thanks for taking the time to share the cobwebby inner darkness of your soul with us, Glenn.

Join me next week when the Travelocity gnome explains why he'd rather fly a lawn chair into a set of stadium lights than ride with a Kennedy.

Rating: 2.8/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (8) | Filthy Lies
It's not quite the IMAO podcast, but...
Posted by Laurence Simon at 02:02 PM | Email This

I tried to write another script for the IMAO Podcast this week, but there were a few issues the other cast members had...

  • Despite illegall immigration being in the news, Harvey didn't think "Harvey gets deported to Bearded Weirdo Land" was funny. Thought it would be more obvious to deport Cadet Happy to "Lawyerland" like they have in that old Jackson Browne video ("They've even got the moon!" "Can we nuke it?")

  • SarahK wasn't amused by my suggestion that she start "Road Trips With Mr. Shiny" with a stop at the Rayburn Building in DC. ("There's something wrong with the elevator... maybe if I just bang on the panel a bit...")

  • That Samurai guy kept whacking me in the head with a sword. ("You keep hitting me with the flat of the blade... do you need glasses?")

  • Buck the Marine's kinda keeping a low profile after "learnin some Iraqis their manners" last Fall. (Damn you, Murtha!)

  • Aquaman kept complaining of dry skin and needed moisturizer.

So in the meantime, you can enjoy the sixth Weekly Challenge on the 100 Word Stories Podcast. It is guaranteed to star none of the IMAO Podcasters (No, I am not Planet Z).

Rating: 2.7/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (2)
The "Movies Are Stupid And Unrealistic" Trivia Challenge
Posted by Harvey at 12:20 PM | Email This

There's a forwarded e-mail going around that lists various unrealistic events found in popular movies (posted below in the extended entry).

Your mission: name just one specific movie where this actually happens.

Please don't re-use examples from a previous comment - that just makes you look like one of those chittering hoot-monkeys from the DU who can't speak unless it's to regurgitate someone else's talking point. If you don't have a different one - or can't think of an example - just skip it.

If you don't want to play in the comments, feel free to just post the answers at your own blog and link back here. That way you have plausible deniability when you claim you came up with the answers all by yourself.


Read More...


Rating: 2.9/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (39)
May 26, 2006
24 Day 5 - 5 a.m. and 6 a.m. -- the season finale!
Posted by sarahk at 11:23 PM | Email This

Previously on 24, Aaron verbally kicked President Estro in the nads, Estro tried to have Aaron killed, but Marty saved his life by killing his would-be secret service killer. Estro suicided Walt Cummings. Bierko escaped CTU's transport and threw a nerve-gas canister into a submarine, which just happened to be in an L.A. civilian port being inspected by U.S. navy personnel as a part of the treaty that was signed less than a day earlier, because those treaties work *so* fast. Bierko took over the sub. To catch Bierko, Robocop was offered a deal, and Jack took him with him to the submarine, though we would all rather have Rico Suave for the op. Turns out, there are 12 warheads on the sub that the terrorists want to use for an attack on the U.S.

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Rating: 2.7/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (7) | SarahK's TV stuff
Won't get fooled again
Posted by Laurence Simon at 06:55 PM | Email This

Q: How will Congress show defiance in the face of the deadly threat of rogue construction workers in elevator shafts with air hammers?

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Rating: 2.3/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (7)
Hastert Unmasked
Posted by Frank J. at 12:05 PM | Email This

Many have been perplexed by Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert making such a fuss about the FBI raid again Democrat William Jefferson. It all seemed to make sense when ABC broke a story that Hastert is under investigation by the FBI. The Department of Justice has denied this, but ABC is sticking to its story and its unnamed sources. This brings us the question: Whom do we believe more? ABC or the Department of Justice?

Well, I for one know which one brings us more quality programming. So, I talked to my own sources - sources I will not name but I promise are really smart and know what they are talking about - and they told me that there is in fact a huge investigation of Hastert underway. My nameless sources also told me exactly what charges the FBI is pursuing, and it is as shocking as my sources are nameless.

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Rating: 2.8/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (36) | IMAO Exclusives
Friday Catblogging
Posted by Laurence Simon at 09:00 AM | Email This

Since it's Friday, I thought I'd spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka "I-MEOW").

Sure, some of the IMAO bloggers have cats, but apparently I'm the only one of them who has the Sixth Sense that allows me to see where blogging and cats converge on the Spiritual Plane.

Anyway, it's time for Nardo the Hungry:

If you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Nardo is... um...

Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.

(For more animal goodness, try Friday Ark today and Carnival of the Cats Sunday, so send your catblogging links to submissions @ carnivalofthecats.com.)


You can find more examples of Friday catblogging by searching a blog search engine such as Technorati for "catblogging."

You can also find a roundup of catblogging posts at The Friday Ark, located at The Modulator blog. Then, when the weekend is nearly over, head over to The Carnival of the Catsat IMAO for more kitty goodness. There's also a Flikr Group called Furry Friday.

Add to that Weekend Catblogging at Eatstuff.

Anybody I miss?

Rating: 2.5/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (10) | Friday Cat-Blogging
May 25, 2006
Re: That 24 blogging
Posted by sarahk at 09:35 PM | Email This

Yeah, so internet crashed, and I lost a significant amount of 24 blogging. So I guess it'll be tomorrow.

Rating: 2.9/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (5) | SarahK's TV stuff
Dawg! The Carnival of Comedy is UP!
Posted by spacemonkey at 04:44 PM | Email This

I want you! To pull my finger.

The Carnival of Comedy has an American Idol theme this week. Check it out at Passionate America.

Wild Bill, know who you are and you made the carnival your own.

Rating: 3.2/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (6) | Why Me Laugh?
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 04:03 PM | Email This

A 3% excise tax on long-distance telephone calls that was enacted in 1898 to help fund the Spanish-American War is now being done away with. Why?

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Rating: 2.4/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (11) | Best of IMAO 2006 ~ | Fun Trivia
It's Always Convenient to Make Fun of Al Gore
Posted by Frank J. at 01:22 PM | Email This

Do you know that Al Gore has a movie coming out called An Inconvenient Truth, and it's supposed to be the scariest movie ever. In fact, before you see it, you have to sign a waiver that you will not hold Al Gore responsible if you drop dead from fright while watching the movie.

You see, the movie contains nothing but Al Gore and a bunch of slides.

I know! It's freaky just thinking about it. I heard from a friend of mine that his cousin knew this guy who was forced to watch Al Gore give a lecture with PowerPoint slides, and, afterwards, the guy ATE HIS OWN FACE!

You're probably wondering (but too scared to ask) "What is Al Gore going to talk about?" Well, I'll tell you, but it's scary...

(**scary warning**)

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Rating: 2.8/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (52) | Best of IMAO 2006
I Want My Government Open, Honest, and Scared
Posted by Frank J. at 12:24 PM | Email This

Anyone else wondering what Hastert and Pelosi have to hide with them acting so angry about FBI raids? I'm think maybe they have some sort of bi-partisan drug and weapons smuggling ring. I demand - DEMAND - that the FBI raid all Congressional offices and report their findings to us. We pay for their offices, so it's our right to have federal agents march in them and overturn the desks and pull out all the drawers and tell us what's there.

Really, if the FBI wants some crooks to arrest, where better to look than D.C.?

Rating: 2.7/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (12)
Where Are the Trolls of Yesteryear?
Posted by Frank J. at 11:10 AM | Email This

Who hear misses The Limey? For those who missed that famous pen pal friendship, here's a link to the final episode that has links to the previous episodes (they need to be read in order for full effect). I have to admit, I do scan the comments of the trolls we get today in hopes there is a Rage Against the Machine reference, but there won't be another like The Limey. Also, I've came to the conclusion a while ago that stringing trolls on for public humiliation is just a little too mean for me.

Still, if you want to engage trolls, I have some advice. Now, I'm no troll expert - IMAO doesn't get as many trolls as the serious political sites - but I think I have some experience to impart. Anyway, here's the main rule:

NEVER TRY TO ENGAGE A TROLL DIRECTLY.

Trying to debate a troll is a big a waste of time as the troll's postings themselves. These people are out to vent and get attention - that's all. It doesn't matter how dumb a pronouncement one makes - he could say 2+2=5 - they are completely immune to reason. You cannot debate a troll. You cannot educate a troll by playing on his terms. Trying to refute his points is an exercise in futility. Someone who goes around looking for sites to stir up attention is not someone in a healthy state of mind looking for an intelligent discussion. What trolling is is a verbal tantrum, and you can't reason with a screaming child who has no reason in the first place. This brings us to our second rule.

DON'T GET ANGRY.

If you actually got angry from something a troll writes, step back. Do not respond. What is there to get angry about? It's just a few words and the person saying them has no influence over anything. That a person is drawn to troll is funny in itself; what the person says about any particular topic is beside the point. You have to accept the troll will not understand how silly he is, and just be able to laugh at him while he flails around trying to anger you. If you don't detach yourself and think of the troll like a rational person, you can get frustrated and angry. This gives him what he wants and lets the troll set the terms. Crazy people should not be in charge.

So what can you do? Ignoring is the highest form of dominance, but a whole post about ignoring trolls would be boring. Anyway, here is what I find you can do, but it's for entertainment purposes only. Maybe, with practice, these skills can be used to actually train trolls away from trollery, but if you just set your goal to confuse and bewilder the troll, you'll be less likely to get frustrated.

Anyway, remember the two rules: you're not angry and you’re not taking the troll head on. So what are you doing? You redirect. The Dog Whisperer does this all the time with aggressive dogs. They bark and snap their teeth, and yelling back would only make it worse. Instead, he taps them in the neck with two fingers and yells, "Tsst!" The dog then calms down and looks at the Dog Whisperer with confusion. This is basically what you do with a troll. The troll is hoping you'll come back as angry as he is head on, but instead come in calmly from the side. There are numerous ways to do this, but here's an example from one of the first hate mails I posted publicly:

Dopegirl (laguage warning; my language standards have changed over time)

It's not the prefect example, but I take the troll seriously and then play with what that means in a calm fashion. Now look at the response:

Dopegirl Response (language warning)

Much calmer, and that's all I think one should hope to achieve with a troll. That's what made the Limey special; he never got the joke and would come back just as crazy no matter what.

"There's no Fascist McFascist!"

He still makes me smile.

Rating: 2.1/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (49) | Best of IMAO 2006 ~ | I Hate Frank
Serendipity!
Posted by Frank J. at 08:45 AM | Email This

So, after the water company turned off our water with no notice, SarahK fixed our account the with the water utility and they said water would be back on later that day. Well, this morning we still didn't have water.

Rowdi was like, "I'm thirsty! Give me water!"

And I was like, "We only have expensive bottled water, and you're not getting it because you're a dog!"

Still, I took her out this morning, and, as I was walking on our lawn, my foot suddenly went through this plastic sheet on the ground and kicked some metal knob. When I got back inside, OUR WATER WAS BACK ON!

Also, when I accidentally opened that plastic sheet, I might have dropped a note in there saying, "Roll the dice and pay me $4 times the number shown because I OWN YOU, BITCH!"

Really, shouldn't the water supply to a house be protected by something with a better torch and tools rating than -5 minutes?

Rating: 3.0/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (14)
May 24, 2006
I Can Demand Stuff Too!
Posted by spacemonkey at 09:55 PM | Email This

Our old pal Speakerof the House Dennis Hastert (R?) is demanding the FBI return documents from a search of a allegedly, though y'know probably, actually, since they caught him on video oand all, corrupt congressman’s office and take the agents involved off the case. Well, poop be upon you, and your demands Mr. Speaker, because I have a demand or two, maybe three of my own.

* I demand the FBI KEEP (that's right I said it, keep) the documents! Do whatever you want with them. Read them, copy them. See if there's any reference of any speakers of any houses getting any those tinfoil wrapped lettuce leftovers for his freezer.

* I demand the FBI KEEP (that's right I said it twice, keep) the agents ON the case! Why take them off? What a waste of time. They're keeping the documents, didn't you read my other demand? The one where I demanded they KEEP them? We want some new agents to have to go over them and find out about his other probable alleged activity?

* I demand that Dennis Hastert tell the American taxpayers the real reaaon why he's acting like such a cover-uppity dingus instead of acting like he supports truth, justice and the American way.

Those are my demands and they trump any Speaker's demands because I'm ******

[We interrupt this post to tell you]

TAYLOR HICKS WON AMERICAN IDOL!

Sorry McPhan's, the McPheever has broken.

Rating: 2.3/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (8)
American Idol - The Finale
Posted by sarahk at 08:57 PM | Email This

Group song with all of the top 12 + Carrie Underwood. They're singing "I've Made it Through the Rain", which is almost as bad as last year's "He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother". No no. Nothing could ever be that painful. I'm having a seizure just thinking about it. They're completely in white, which is unfortunate. Every time Carrie Underwood or Taylor sings, everyone cheers real loud.

"I wanna hear about your suntan."
And now we have the first of many montages. It's funny, though. They showed Randy saying the same four Randyisms over and over. On Paula, it's her being emotional (playing "I Get So Emotional" in the background, LOL) and being drunk. For Simon, it's The Ego Has Landed. Cute. Simon can have an ego, though. He's the only one who ever has anything to say, and he is all that.

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Rating: 2.4/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (24) | SarahK's TV stuff
Carnival Of Comedy Reminder
Posted by spacemonkey at 05:18 PM | Email This

CoC_Hah.jpg

The 56th Carnival of Comedy is tomorrow, May 25! Thursday! And it will be at Passionate America's place! Really!

I'm passionate about America. I think we should have Independence day every month on the fouth of course, or shoot, have it every Wednesday (fourth day of the week)! I also think Not having the American flag flying both in your yard, and on your vehicle should be grounds for arrest for unAmerican and seditious activities.

Get those entries in to here, or here!

Schedule
Jun 01, #57- The MoxArgon Group
Jun 08, #58- Jerry Dante [language]
Jun 15, #59- FIAR!

Rating: 3.0/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (1)
And We Have to Use Candles for Heat... Except That We're in Florida... And It's Almost June
Posted by Frank J. at 04:57 PM | Email This

Maybe I should put the tip jar back up since SarahK and I are in such bad shape that we just got our water shut off. Sarah told me that she won't even be able to cook our meager meal of beans tonight and the dog will have to go hungry.

When the first In My World™ book comes out (hopefully very soon), remember to buy many copies so we don't end up on the street!

Rating: 2.0/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (13)
Stopping Iran's Nuke Program
Posted by Harvey at 03:36 PM | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Despite the European Union's numerous offers of flowers & candy, Iran's lunatic president Imabigdweeby (or whatever his name is) still refuses to stop enriching uranium.

Need to put a stop to that.

So I recommend sending in the Double Secret British Special Forces Commando Team to shut them down with some of their patented pacification techniques, which include such diverse elements as fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to World Peace, and possibly one or more of the following:



* Park a giant wooden rabbit outside the enrichment facility, then - when the Iranians bring it inside - they'll sneak out to open the gates for... RUN AWAY!!!

* Soundly ignore any and all Iranian complaints about dead parrots.

* Wear high heels, skip and jump, press wildflowers, put on women's clothing and hang around the gates of the facility waiting for a chance to sneak in and blow it up with the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch.

* Write a strongly worded resolution, wrap it around an arrow, and fire it into Imabigdweeby's bodyguard, Concorde.

* Burst into the enrichment facility, search it for cheese, and start shooting people if none is found. Starting with the bouzouki player.

* Taunt the Iranians.

* Taunt them a second time if necessary.

* Do something in their general direction, but only if it doesn't violate the Geneva Convention, because Amnesty International is like a freakin' pit bull on these sorts of things nowadays.

* Demand that the Iranians dismantle their nuclear program immediately. If they refuse, explain that you're very sorry, but you're not allowed to argue with them anymore unless they dismantle their nuclear program.

* Slap Imabigdweeby with a fish.

* Bomb the nuclear facilities, invade the country, kill the leaders, and steal their huge tracts of land.



If none of that works, I suppose we can always try giving the Nuts Who Say "Nuke!" a shrubbery.

Rating: 2.6/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (12) | Precision Guided Humor Assignments
Unfair Political Humor
Posted by Frank J. at 03:34 PM | Email This

Eugene Volokh is having a discussion about what constitutes "fair" political humor referencing Slate's "Bushism of the Day." Probably not a discussion that will get anywhere, but that Slate feature does seem pretty asinine.

Rating: 3.4/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (12) | Why Me Laugh?
Can't you just do this ten million more times and aim the plane South instead of East?
Posted by Laurence Simon at 03:19 PM | Email This

The Florida college professor expousing the virtues of Islamic Jihad may still be tangled up in the bureaucracy, but one of his buddies finally got the boot:

A co-defendant who was acquitted of all charges in the Florida terrorism trial of former college professor Sami al-Arian has been deported to the Palestinian territories, a U.S. official said on Wednesday.

Federal agents took Sameeh Hammoudeh from a prison near Tampa on Monday and escorted him to Ramallah in the West Bank. He had agreed to be deported after pleading guilty to a separate tax fraud charge.

"The order of deportation has been carried out. Sameeh Hammoudeh is in Palestinian territory," said Barbara Gonzalez, a spokeswoman for the U.S. Bureau of Immigration and Customs Enforcement.

Well, at least he's safe from alligator attacks now.

Rating: 2.2/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (1)
In My World: An Average Day for the Deputy Chief of Staff
Posted by Frank J. at 12:08 PM | Email This

"So, is this story about Karl Rove being indicted true?" Jason Leopold asked. "If not, I could be completely discredited."

"It is quite true," said the hooded figure hiding in the shadows. "Publish it immediately."

"Okay, then!" Leopold typed away at his computer. "By the way, who are you?"

"My name is..." The hooded figure was silent for a moment. "...Rarl Kove."

* * * *

"So Jesse MacBeth was a fraud made to discredit us all!" exclaimed an angry anti-war activist. "I was so sure he was for real when I saw he had a beret and everything! I bet the Bush Administration was behind this... probably Karl Rove himself!"

The other anti-war activist nodded in agreement. Suddenly, though, they were pelted with rocks.

"Who is throwing rocks at us? It must be Karl Rove!"

They turned to see a hooded figure disappear into the darkness as a blood-curdling laugh filled the air.

* * * *

Markos Zúniga was curled up in a fetal position on the floor and muttering to himself. "Maybe I am too far to the left. Maybe I do hurt the Democrats. Maybe since every candidate I support loses, I should give up. And, maybe, I should take my medication."

"No, my child," echoed a voice in the room. "You are the only one who knows the true path... you and the readers of DailyKos. The problem with the Democrats is they are not far enough to the left. They need to be more liberal! More!"

Markos got to his feet and wiped his face on his Ned Lamont t-shirt. "That's what I keep saying! They all say I'm wrong... but they must be wrong! Screw 'em! Screw 'em all! Tee hee hee hee hee!" Markos then stared at the hooded figure before him who lurked in the darkness. "Who are you?"

"I am your conscience."

Markos scratched his head. "I have a conscience?"

* * * *

Patrick Fitzgerald sat down for dinner with his family, but then the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, no one was there. He looked down to see a dead cat and a note saying, "Courtesy the man who ruined Fitzmas."

"Mittens!" Fitzgerald exclaimed. He then shook his fist at the darkness outside his house. "I'll get you for killing our cat, Karl Rove! I'll get you yet!"

An evil laugh answered.

* * * *

Karl Rove stood before The Pit of Unimaginable Terror and Punditry. Its evil light lit his face. "Dark spirits! Give me the power to manipulate the wills of others! Help me lead my enemies to their own demise! Bring forth the demon..."

"Hey, Rover!" President Bush called out.

"How did you get into my secret lair?" Rove demanded.

"As usual, I fell down a hole today." Bush looked around. "So what are you up ta? This place looks neat." Bush stared down the pit. "If I throw a penny down there, will my wish come true?"

"Don't disturb anything!" Rove commanded. "There are powers here of which you could never hope to understand."

"I saw a lot of Mexicans working in your underground mines here," Bush said. "Is that why you keep telling me not to be a hardliner on illegal immigration?"

"It's all part of the plan."

"And what's this plan lead to?"

"As predicted by the ancient Book of Punditry, when the planets and the stars and the polls align, I can summon forth a power unlike this world has ever known! With it, all will bow to me, and, if I so desire, I can even rend apart the universe itself!"

"Destroy the universe..." Bush thought about that. "Might be unpopular with the base, but well, at least we have an agenda; that's how we keep beating the Democrats."

"Now leave this place before I eat your soul."

"Okey-dokey."

Rating: 2.3/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (26) | Best of IMAO 2006 ~ | In My World
Bite-Sized Wisdom: Now Extra Chewy
Posted by Frank J. at 10:34 AM | Email This

* I hear Vicente Fox is in Utah speaking out against fences on the borders. And then he went in front of a nearby Home Depot and spoke about how great a day laborer he is. He's now making four bucks an hour working on some guy's yard and there is no indication he's going back to Mexico.

* So are all the jobs taken in Mexico, or are there jobs that Mexicans won't do which they give to low-paid Guatemalans?

* You hear about this Jesse Macbeth character pretending (poorly) to be a Army Ranger and that he killed hundreds of civilians under orders? The moonbats were jumping all over this because they really want to believe our military is wantonly slaughtering civilians in a manner reminiscent of Jenjis Khan. You've seen how excited Murtha got about that ongoing case in Iraq? Little tip to our service men and women: Don't kill Iraqi civilians for sport; that will play right into the left's hands.

Or, if you have to slaughter civilians, keep quiet about it.

* I think I heard Bush's poll numbers may have gone back into the forties. According to Kos-logic, that would put him in "striking distance" of being the most popular president ever.

* I know you wouldn't expect me to take a stance against an obviously corrupt politician in the rival party, but I have to say that William J. Jefferson was wrong to take bribe money. And I am brave to say that.

And what's with hiding it in the freezer? What a maroon. You hide it in the crib under the baby... or is that drugs?

* One last thing: Taylor Hicks better be the next American Idol or I will have lost my faith in democracy. Soul Patrol! Soul Patrol! Woo!

Rating: 2.9/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (6) | Bite-Sized Wisdom
May 23, 2006
American Idol 5 - The Final!!
Posted by sarahk at 09:53 PM | Email This

Don't know why I'm so excited. I know I'm voting for Taylor unless Katharine pulls out something I've never heard from her. Taylor is definitely the most talented, and I don't care how spastic he is. Really, I'm not watching him when listening to his CD. Then again, if they're both boring and safe, I may not vote.

Simon looks suave in his nice jacket. Paula and Randy have meaningless nothings to say, and Simon says each should hope the other forgets the words.

They're showing the Bad Day stuff for both contestants, since neither one gets it tomorrow night.

BTW, sorry about 24. I'll get to it tomorrow. Today I had lots going on.

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Rating: 2.5/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (19) | SarahK's TV stuff
dot dot dash pause dot dot
Posted by Frank J. at 08:43 PM | Email This

sarahk is liveblogging the AI pre-finale tonight by telegraph -- unfortunately an ornery mule kicked over a tree and knocked the wire down outside hooterville -- don't worry, they'll get the wire re-strung any time now and updates will start streaming in

Vignet35.jpg

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Rating: 1.5/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (14)
Heh
Posted by Frank J. at 05:08 PM | Email This

A Kos prediction.

No punchline. I just find the idea of him predicting anything politically very funny.

Rating: 2.1/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (52)
She's a Huggy Pit Pup!
Posted by Frank J. at 02:13 PM | Email This

SarahK and I have been taking Rowdi to pond parties where she gets to run around with forty other dogs and swim in ponds. She has lots of fun, but it's hard to keep track of her since it seems like half the dogs there are tan colored and are wearing red collars. Thus, we decided to put a nametag on her collar. Here's what we had made for her:

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Rating: 3.6/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (9) | Best of IMAO 2006
Today's Main Problem Facing Society Today
Posted by Frank J. at 12:29 PM | Email This

How many boards can you punch through? How about block of ice? When was the last time you roundhouse kicked someone in the head? Have you ever even been in a battle to the death?

You probably don't even want to answer those question because of the shame it would bring to fess up on how weak your kung fu is, but you are not alone. Kung fu has been in a decline in America since the 60s, and, all that time, crime, drug use, and wussiness have been on the rise. Why, if I graphed America's strength in kung fu versus societal ills, there would be a line that... uh...

I really have to learn Excel. Anyway, it would be a disturbing graph, and you'd gasp to see it. There probably isn't one problem in this country that doesn't have some relation to our weakening kung fu.

Most people just like to ignore the problem, but let me give you this fact: there is a one in forty chance you will be attacked by a ninja today. So what are you going to do? Call the police? Here another fact: a ninja can kill someone weak in kung fu in an average of 30 seconds while police response time is an average of 40 seconds - longer if the police themselves have weak kung fu.

Are you scared yet? Of course you are; you're weak in kung fu and probably scared of everything. So what to do?

HOW TO KEEP YOUR KUNG FU STRONG

* When you're mad, punch holes in things. Start simple like drywall, and try to build up to punching through buildings.

* Instead of leaf blower, clear your lawn of leaves using just the wind from your kick.

* Next time you're in an argument, make sure it escalates to a fight. If you can keep the fighting going until your battling on a rooftop (or, better yet, a mountain top) all the better.

* When you pass someone on the street you don't know or care about, knock him down with a swift palm strike. Keep a journal handy to record your progress on how far back you send people flying.

* Do breathing exercises.

And don't forget about the next generation. When you feed your kids, only make one meal and let them fight for it.

Remember: Only you can prevent weak kung fu.

This public service announcement from your friends at IMAO is in compliance with item 5.04.2A of the Keep America's Kung Fu Strong Act.

Rating: 3.0/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (26) | Best of IMAO 2006
Unfortunately, It's True - Thief Steals Data on 26 Million Military Veterans
Posted by Harvey at 11:30 AM | Email This

Thought our Veteran readers should know about this:

The Department of Veterans Affairs reported Monday that a laptop computer containing the names, dates of birth and Social Security numbers of over 26,000,000 veterans was stolen from the home of an employee who had taken the data home without authorization.

A copy of the letter being sent to affected veterans is available at the link.

Meanwhile, if you're an affected Veteran, here are other steps you can take:

1) Find out who stole the laptop.

2) Gut him like a trout.

3) Place his head on a pike as a warning to others.

Honestly... how stupid do you have to be to screw with 26 million professionally-trained killers?

[alerted via an e-mail from One Happy Dog Speaks]

Rating: 2.9/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (14)
Topicless
Posted by Frank J. at 11:19 AM | Email This

I've been having trouble coming up with new stuff to blog about, and I think I figured out why: this politics fad has run its course. There have been so many blogs about politics with the right-wingers and crazy moonbats that I think everything that can be said has been said. When I came up to the final solution to political turmoil - punching liberals in their dumb monkey faces - I think that was the last original thought left on the subject of politics. Thus, it's time to move on to another topic.

Now, I don't know what else to blog about. A popular subject seems to be cats, but cats freak me out. They have those weird eyes just like gators and they sun themselves - just like gators! I'm always yelling at the cats, "STOP STARING AT ME!" But they don't stop. They just walk towards me until I run away screaming.

I could blog about technology, but technology is complicated. Also, it usually involves electricity, which means there is an electrocution hazard. Frankly, I fear technology and want to smash it with a bat; I don't know how great a blog that would make.

Other than politics, cats, and technology, are there any other blog topics to choose from? There might not be. Then what do I do? Blog about my daily life? That would be boring. I mean, the ninja attacks and shoot outs I get in each day are exciting, but they become lifeless when I try to transcribe the experience.

So what are some blogging topics?

Rating: 1.3/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (34)
In Frank's World - More Fan Fiction
Posted by Harvey at 11:06 AM | Email This

Morgnet has more Buck Wild at the UN. Part 2 - Bush consults the Oracle, while the Snowman learns his place; and part 3 - Buck gets the go signal. Pity the baby raccoon.

Brèves proves that the French ARE good for something - being strangled. Although I hope Rummy makes an exception for Woland, the guy at Brèves who wrote the piece.

Meanwhile, The Rumsfeld Strangler keeps us updated on blogging, interviews, pets, and his opinion of the movement to make English the national language.



If you've posted any In My World Fan Fiction on your blog, leave a link in the comments.

Rating: 3.4/5 (31 votes cast)

Comments (2) | In My World - Fan Fiction
Genius in Ink and Paper
Posted by Frank J. at 09:18 AM | Email This

So, I know you've been waiting for books from IMAO and especially me, Frank J. I saw some of the books other bloggers put out, and not all of it was simply fancily packaged toilet paper. In fact, I liked the central thesis of one book so much, I combined it with my famous thesis. Thus, I present:

Read More...


Rating: 2.8/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (4) | Best of IMAO 2006
An Even Better Ending to 24
Posted by Frank J. at 08:33 AM | Email This

I liked the seaon finale for 24 last night, but I have a tweak that would have made the ending perfect:

Read More...


Rating: 2.0/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (10)
May 22, 2006
I Just Have to Say...
Posted by sarahk at 10:27 PM | Email This

I totally called that. You NEVER say "I'll be right back." And you CERTAINLY don't say it twice. And I did say exactly who would be behind that door.

BTW, I decided to take tonight off from 24 blogging. I didn't want the 2-hour season finale to take us 4 hours to watch, because um... ALIAS series finale tonight. WHOA! Special guest star Merrin Dungey, are you kidding? Didn't she die? Twice?

I'll get to blogging 24 tomorrow some time. But you know, I've got cleaning, dog training, a massage, and probably a few seizures on the way tomorrow, so it might not be early.

Rating: 2.5/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (4) | SarahK's TV stuff
Odds
Posted by Laurence Simon at 03:10 PM | Email This

According to Kentucky Derby winner and tragic lose of the Preakness Barbaro's surgeon, the horse has a fifty-fifty change of survival.

That's nice, but I'll wait for Vegas to publish their odds before placing any bets.

Rating: 2.3/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (7)
I Love America
Posted by Frank J. at 02:15 PM | Email This

If you spend too much time watching politics you forget that the politicians are not America... other than that they run America... but only the unimportant parts... other than deploying the military, that is.

Okay, I already confused myself.

Anyway, my point, whether I can come up with an appropriate intro or not, is that, even though it seems like we have no heroes in politics right now, America is still full of heroes and things worth fighting for. We have the liberty earned by our forefathers, our innovation, our spirit, our awesome economy, and our general kick-assery - and that should be more than enough to get anyone out of bed and glad to be alive each morning. As bad as things may get in Washington and on the world stage, there's always a supermarket nearby with at least eight different types of Oreo cookies to choose from - and this week they're buy one get one free!

Maybe my point is that you should never forget that America is really really awesome. We have apple pies and right to carry laws. We have boundless opportunity and a Walgreens at every intersection. We have constant technical innovation and no native species of monkeys. And this is the only nation that has me! If you said there was another country even half as great as the United States, I'd punch you in your dumb, lying monkey face.

And you'd deserve it for such slander.

And did I mention that no military is better at killing its enemies than America's military? We had all those years of "peace" during the Clinton years, and the military went right back to killing bad people without missing a beat. And, with new technology in the works, we'll kill people in need of killing even more efficiently.

So be happy (unless you're one of IMAO's international readers; I don't know how you should feel then). The United States of America still kicks ass. We must continue to fight for what's right, but we should have smiles on our faces because we fight from positions of strength. And no matter what terrorists do, no matter how liberals try to weaken us and put this country down, the two-hour season finale of 24 will still air tonight.

Because we're America.

Rating: 2.6/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (20) | Best of IMAO 2006
Truthout to Change Name, Keep Format
Posted by spacemonkey at 11:46 AM | Email This

truthless.jpg

Rating: 2.6/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Because only Guatemalans are illegal...
Posted by RightWingDuck at 11:06 AM | Email This

What do you do when your country is overwhelmed by illegal immigration?

In America you hunt them down and talk them into voting for you. In Mexico, they build more DETENTION CENTERS!!!

Here's a headline right from the front page of our local spanish paper La Opinion (Motto: Habla Espanol?).

It turns that Mexico is having a bit of a problem dealing with illegal immigrants. Thankfully, it occured to them to send the illegals back. This is much better than creating an express lane to Tijuana, with a free pass to the underground tunnel.

Here's a translation of the first few paragraphs.

Mexico will construct more deportation centers . Between 2002 and 2006 the total number of undocumenteds rose 74%.

The Mexican government plans to build at least 13 detention centers to deal with the increasing number of foreign migrants on their way to the United States. In the last 4 years this total has risen 74%.

There's more.. it goes on to detail that ...

Mexico has committed to an agreement with four other countries stipulating that deportation be safe, dignified, and fast.

...All deportations will occur within 24 hours. That is, between the time a person is caught and the time they are on a bus on their way back to their country, there should not pass more than 24 hours."

Somebody call Harry Reid. Not only is Mexico forcing illegals to go back home but I'm sure that they aslo require the illegals to speak in Spanish. That has to be racist.

Rating: 2.1/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (12)
IMAO: The Place to Discuss the Issues
Posted by Frank J. at 09:21 AM | Email This

I think we here at IMAO should continue to encourage reader discussion... not just to drive up hits to the site so we can charge more with advertisers... but because we want to know what you think.

Today's issue: Did you think the end to Huckleberry Finn was just tacked on? I mean, the book was great and seemed to cover many important themes, but it's like Twain just ran out of ideas when he got to the end. Actually, after finishing the book, I just wanted to punch Mark Twain in his big stupid mustache.

Discuss amongst yourselves.

Rating: 2.4/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (25)
Having Your Chocolate and Eating It Too
Posted by Frank J. at 09:00 AM | Email This

I guess with his reelection, Mayor Ray Nagin is now the Marion Barry of the new millennium. This raises the important question: Do we really need a New Orleans for anything? I mean, people can get drunk and make women take off their tops for beads about anywhere... and most of those other places won't be ruined deathtraps run by the incompetent. Thus, I want to be the first to start a campaign to have New Orleans razed to the ground. Why spend countless dollars rebuilding the city and making new, stronger levies when it can be abandoned for free?

Am I talking anything other than sense here?

Rating: 2.5/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (30)
May 21, 2006
Maybe they'll change to "Serbia or Montenegro"
Posted by Laurence Simon at 08:21 PM | Email This

BAD NEWS: The next flag to be raised as an independent nation at the United Nations won't be Kurdistan.

GOOD NEWS: It won't be "Palestine" either.

Rating: 1.9/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Carnival of the Cats #113
Posted by Laurence Simon at 07:36 PM | Email This

Why are you looking at me like that?

Oh… I get it… it’s time for the Carnival of the Cats!

The Carnival of the Cats is a weekly roundup of cat-related posts on weblogs. Its purpose is to provide a non-political respite from the vehement echo chamber that the Blogopshere spins itself into during the week, demonstrating that even the mightiest and meekest of pundits have a love of cats in common.

I think we’re up to 113 COTC at this point. Shall we begin?

Read More...


Rating: 2.0/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (10)
First the Book... Then the Movie?
Posted by Frank J. at 03:42 PM | Email This

With all the talk of In My World™ fan-fiction (which is essentially fan-fiction of fan-fiction), I should mention that the editing for the first In My World™ book is done and I'm going to be focusing my free time on getting that out as soon as possible.

More soon.

Rating: 2.8/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (14)
How To Tell The Difference Between an Homage and a Rip-Off
Posted by Harvey at 12:45 PM | Email This

Homage.

Rip-off.

If anyone sees Liam Smith, pistol-whip him. Even if it means marring the finish.

[Hat tip to IMAO reader Robby]

Rating: 2.9/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (15)
In Frank's World - Fan Fiction Round-up
Posted by Harvey at 11:28 AM | Email This

The Order of the Blue Square has President Bush (who does NOT look fat in that suit) sending in the Marines. Or *a* Marine, as the case may be.

Morgnet follows Tony Snow as he gets initiated into the inner workings of the White House. Personally, I want to download the files on Bush's PDA.

The Moxargon Group is right - it IS fun being an illegal alien! Also, I had no idea that the White House had an official Oval Office poking stick. Hope Frank J. doesn't get one of those.

Fmragtops has Rummy taking a more "hands on" approach to troop training. Considering his deep and mystical understanding of the martial arts, I have to say that this would be a good thing in the real world, too.



Ya know, you guys are better at this than I thought you were gonna be.

Think maybe I should make a weekly carnival out of this?

Might help out with that "you guys never post anything on the weekend" problem.

Meanwhile, keep 'em coming and drop a link in the comments.

Rating: 3.0/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (3) | In My World - Fan Fiction
"What the heck is an aluminum falcon?"
Posted by Frank J. at 10:28 AM | Email This

weekend time wasters . . .

"You got an ATM on that torso Lite-Brite?!" (YouTube)

Dance, dance, dance (YouTube)

10 Things I Hate About Commandments (YouTube)

Hello?

Butterfingers!

Lifestyles of the rich and famous.

Frank's dream date . . .

Read More...


Rating: 3.2/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (3)
May 19, 2006
NSA Monitors Instapundit
Posted by Harvey at 04:04 PM | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

Since I firmly believe in watching the watchers, I've bugged the NSA office and overheard the following conversation between agents Jack Boot and Eve Drop regarding their efforts to analyze phone records from the major telecom companies:



JACK: This is ridiculous! I can't believe they actually expect us to sort through ten billion phone records! How are we supposed to find any patterns in this mess?

EVE: Unwad your panties, Jack, it's SIMPLE. All ya gotta do is just twist the data to fit your agenda and you can prove that ANYONE is evil.

JACK: Sorta like how the Democratic Underground trolls keep "proving" that Bush is Hitler?

EVE: Exactly... Here, let me pick a name at random and show you how it's done... AH! This Glenn Reynolds fellow will do...

JACK: Instapundit? But he's a right-wing warmonger! He doesn't fit the profile!

EVE: Look, strip-club-visiting muslims don't fit the profile either - except for the 9/11 hijackers! Ya gotta be willing to follow the evidence wherever it leads, even if you have to drag it kicking & screaming to get it there. Now, let's look at his phone records.

JACK: Here's a call to a "Mrs. Reynolds" in another city. Probably his mother.

EVE: AHA! Obviously calling to tell her goodbye before his terrorist suicide mission!

JACK: It was on Mother's Day. EVERYONE called their mother on Mother's Day... except NSA agents who had their mothers killed [gives Eve an accusatory glance]

EVE: She knew too much!... Anyway, that Reynolds is a crafty devil, timing his call like that so that we wouldn't be suspicious! Which is the most suspicious thing you can do.

JACK: Not as suspicious at THIS group of calls... must be a hundred of 'em to someone named HP. Who the heck is HP?

EVE: GOTTA be Hezbollah of Palestine! No other organization has those initials!

JACK: What about Hamas of Palestine?

EVE: That cagey BASTARD! Trying to throw us a curve with a dual-use acronym!

JACK: Either way, he's got terrorist connections. Now all we have to do is figure out where he plans to strike & how.

EVE: Hmmm... a call to Black & Decker... coffee maker division...

JACK: Of COURSE! He's going to use the timer from the coffee maker as a bomb trigger! It's the ONLY explanation! EVERYONE knows that obscenely rich best-selling authors normally only drink Starbucks coffee that's been hand-delivered by illegal Mexicans!

EVE: You mean Canadians - there are some jobs that are so demeaning that even Mexicans won't do them.

BOB McKENZIE: Here's yer coffee, eh? That'll be, like, 5 beers?

EVE: Here's a six-pack and a toque. Keep the change.

BOB McKENZIE: Beauty! I'm gonna take off, eh?

EVE: Yeah, get outta here, freak...Anyway, Jack, we know HOW he'll strike, but that information is useless unless we know the target...

JACK: Wait... I see a pattern here... he's called the Memphis Canine Rescue Shelter every day for the last... well... since the telephone was invented.

EVE: That MONSTER! Targeting innocent puppies! What sort of deranged freak would want to explode puppies into a thick - almost drinkable - liquid?

JACK: Who cares? All that matters is that we now have undeniable proof of his insidious plot! The evidence is rock solid! This one's a slam...

[phone rings]

EVE: NSA Civilian Entrapment Project. Eve Drop speaking... uh huh... uh huh... oh... oh, I see... thank you...

[hangs up]

JACK: ...DUNK! He's going down like a Kennedy driving an Oldsmobile into a lake!

EVE: Bad news. That was the Director. Seems that this phone number database we've been using is phony. BellSouth, AT&T, Verizon... they ALL deny giving us any information. Seems that only telecom that provided us with anything was Bell Alliance. We've been had.

JACK: DAMN! Now Reynolds is going to get away scott free! Just like a Kennedy driving an Oldsmobile into a lake!

EVE: Calm down, Jack... sooner or later, he'll make another mistake. We'll nail him eventually...

JACK: So... wanna hack into John Murtha's credit record and put in some unpaid escort service bills?

EVE: Jack, I *love* the way you think...



Looks like the Puppy Blender has once again eluded the long arm of the law... but the Alliance will be watching you, Reynolds.

...always watching...

Rating: 2.9/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (22) | Filthy Lies
It's NOT a Ripoff... It's An "Homage"
Posted by Harvey at 04:01 PM | Email This

Things inspired by the Frank's "In My World" category:

* The New Chainik Hocker's story of Condi gone wild.

* A 2005 Rumsfeld press conference.

What else do you Frank Worlders have for fan fiction? Isn't ANYONE going to give Buck the Marine some foreigners to kill?

Nothing more dangerous than a Marine who ain't out kill'n stuff, ya know.

Rating: 2.4/5 (34 votes cast)

Comments (7) | In My World - Fan Fiction
Carnival Of Comedy #55 is Up
Posted by spacemonkey at 10:23 AM | Email This

CoC_Hah.jpg

The current Carnival of Comedy is at fmragtops. Its all presidential!

Why didn't I link to it yesterday when it was posted you might ask? Well I'll tell you.

Because...um...the NSA was wire tapping my...uhh...American Idol vote.....from my cell phone, before I mowed lost it!

That's the ticket!

Now go link to the carnival, espacially if your works of teh funny are featured in it.

Rating: 2.7/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (4)
Friday Catblogging
Posted by Laurence Simon at 09:41 AM | Email This

Since it's Friday, I thought I'd spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka "I-MEOW").

Sure, some of the IMAO bloggers have cats, but apparently I'm the only one of them drunk enough to think someone might remotely find this kind of thing interesting. I can quit any time! Don't pressure me! I'm chewing that special Stop Drinking gum stuff for it, man!

Anyway, it's time for Edloe the Shy:

If you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Edloe is... um...

Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.

(For more animal goodness, try Friday Ark today and Carnival of the Cats Sunday, so send your catblogging links to submissions @ carnivalofthecats.com.)


You can find more examples of Friday catblogging by searching a blog search engine such as Technorati for "catblogging."

You can also find a roundup of catblogging posts at The Friday Ark, located at The Modulator blog. Then, when the weekend is nearly over, head over to The Carnival of the Catsat IMAO for more kitty goodness. There's also a Flikr Group called Furry Friday.

Add to that Weekend Catblogging at Eatstuff.

Anybody I miss?

Rating: 2.3/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (9) | Friday Cat-Blogging
IMAO Reader Challenge: Diagnose Kos
Posted by Frank J. at 08:27 AM | Email This

Considering Kos's usual paranoid delusions on his blog combined with this creepy appearance in a campaign ad, why don't we all grab a DSM-IV and try and diagnose exactly what mental defect he has.

My off-hand guess is Irritiable Bowel Syndrome... but that's not covered by the DSM-IV.

Rating: 2.3/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (26)
May 18, 2006
We Need A Name For This Phenomenon
Posted by Harvey at 10:12 PM | Email This

So... aside from The Rumsfeld Strangler, has anyone else been posting "In My World" fan fiction?

It makes Frank happy, as long as there's linkage giving IMAO credit for the inspiration.

Anyway, if you have an IMW fan fiction post, drop a link in the comments.

If you haven't been writing IMW fan fiction, get started. I mean, it's not like Frank is gonna get around to giving Buck the Marine a new mission anytime soon.

By the way... if Star Trek fans are called "Trekkies", then what are In My World fans called?

Rating: 2.5/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (17) | In My World - Fan Fiction
Little Tip
Posted by Frank J. at 03:41 PM | Email This

If you're going to criticize the ability of some people to learn two languages, first master one.

Rating: 3.6/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (40)
The final word on those America-hating Aztlan kooks
Posted by Laurence Simon at 02:46 PM | Email This

Saeb Erekat nails the coffin shut on the La Raza/Aztlan insanity:

"I don't think there is any parallel here because the U.S. does not occupy Mexican territory," said Palestinian lawmaker Saeb Erekat, who has led past peace negotiations.

Take that, you deranged Aztlan punks! The Palestinians are on America's side!

In your face!

Rating: 3.1/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Al Gore should want Global Warming, not worry about it
Posted by Laurence Simon at 02:23 PM | Email This

Q: Name three reasons why Al Gore should be in favor of climate change as a result Global Warming.

Read More...


Rating: 2.1/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (12)
In My World: Virtually Caring About Border Security
Posted by Frank J. at 01:04 PM | Email This

"Good job with your first press conference," President Bush told Tony Snow.

"Thanks. I found the best way to handle Helen Thomas was to spray her in the face with a water bottle every time she tried to speak. I figure if I keep it up, she'll learn not to talk at all."

"Maybe, but Ari Fleischer tried the same thing, but instead of spraying her with a water bottle, he clunked her on the head with a tire iron… and that still never took. There was one thing about your press conference I didn't like, though, and I think that was violating our first rule." Bush pointed to a sign on the wall.

Tony read the sign aloud. "'No matter what, never admit it's amnesty.'"

Bush looked at the sign. "Oh, I guess we changed the first rule. Anyway, it used to be 'There is no crying in this administration.' I don't care if you barely survived cancer, Snowman; I barely survived a pretzel, and I didn't cry... even though I really really wanted to. Anyway, it's time to appease the base." Bush walked over to a map of the world and whapped Mexico with a pointer. "I think the only way now is to invade Mexico."

"Invade Mexico? Well, I guess that will be easy with troops at the border."

"No, they'll expect that." Bush pointed to Guatemala. "We'll invade from here and they'll never see it coming." He thought for a moment. "So now I need a plan to invade Guatemala."

Condi stormed into the room and yanked away Bush's pointer. "Wars are for popular Presidents. You finish the ones you have and just work on border security."

"Ahh... border security is boring," Bush moaned. "Well, I guess I'll head to the border and work on the problem." He turned to Tony. "You tell everyone I'm doing a lot about illegal immigration and not to say bad things about me because the NSA will know... but don't admit we have an NSA spying program. Actually, deny we have an NSA."

"Uh... I'll come up with something to say."

"Yes, you say…" Bush marched off. "…I do."

* * * *

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales stood by the border wearing his Sombrero of Authority and matching poncho. Next to him was some high-tech gadgetry. Bush walked over to him. "What do we have here?"

"A virtual fence," Alberto said and handed goggles to Bush while taking a pair for himself. They both put them on, and Bush then saw in front of him a giant wall of pure concrete.

"Wow! When you wear these, it appears that we actually care about border security!" Bush exclaimed.

"All we have to do is get everyone to wear these and it's like we really have a fence," Alberto said. "We would also need to get Mexicans to wear these if we don't want them all running over here while we're admiring our virtual fence. But, if they do come in..." In the virtual world, Alberto pointed up at some butterflies flying over the fence. "…it won't look so bad. See, those butterflies are virtual representation of illegal immigrants crossing our borders."

"Wow! They're almost blocking out the sky!" Bush looked down and saw a newspaper on the ground. He picked it up and read it. "Cool! In this world, my approval rating is almost 40%!"

The good news disappeared as Alberto pulled off Bush's goggles. "I have something else to show you. If the virtual fence doesn't work, I hired a consultant for another option."

Standing near them was a tall, old, bearded man wearing a robe and holding a staff. "I am Gandalf the Gray," he said, "and I shall make you a magical fence."

"Yay!" Bush squealed. "I love magic."

Gandalf faced some Mexicans nearing the border. Gandalf then yelled, "You cannot pass! I am a servant of the Secret Fire, wielder of the Flame of Anor! The Dark Flame will not avail you, Flame of Udun. Go back to the shadow!" Gandalf struck the ground with his staff. "You… shall… not… pass!"

A rock struck Gandalf in the head, knocking him to the ground. The Mexicans then all ran over him.

"That could have gone better," Bush said. "Well, I guess this problem cannot be solved. Anyhoo, I'm hungry for some Mexican food. How about you, Speedy?"

"If you're paying," Alberto answered.

As they walked off, a thought struck Bush. "What if we made a real fence?"

Alberto slapped Bush across the back of his head. "That would lower property values, you stupid gringo!"

Rating: 2.9/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (30) | Best of IMAO 2006 ~ | In My World
It's Pat!
Posted by Frank J. at 08:45 AM | Email This

Pat Robertson says God told him that storms and tidal waves will possibly hit America this year (Possibly? So God is no better than your average meteorologist?). Quote the prophet:

"If I heard the Lord right about 2006, the coasts of America will be lashed by storms."

If you heard him right? Little tip here, Pat: When God talks, PAY ATTENTION! Don't let your mind wander to last rerun of JAG you saw when the Almighty grants you His time. Worse comes to worse, maybe you could at least ask Him to repeat Himself if you didn't get it the first time.

Wait, God is talking to me now...

Okay.

So right in his dumb monkey face?

Got it. Later, Dude.

Gotta go, people; I'm on a mission from God.

Rating: 2.8/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (22) | Best of IMAO 2006
May 17, 2006
Donald Rumsfeld's Blog (updated 5-18-06 9:15am)
Posted by Harvey at 09:52 PM | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Donald Rumsfeld was on the Hugh Hewitt show last week, and he mentioned blogs.

I hope that means he'll be starting one soon.

I mean, sure, he's done a great job as Secretary of Terrorizing Terrorists or whatever his title is, but he's also a great communicator and his talent is being wasted.

If nothing else, at least he wouldn't be a weepy little woman like Tony Snow.

Granted, it probably wouldn't be the BEST blog in the world - just lots of pictures of him strangling journalists and hippies and feeding their twisted corpses to Chomps - but I'll bet it would have a cool name, like maybe....



* Rumstapundit

* The Only Good Terrorist Is A Dead Terrorist, and the World Needs More Good Terrorists

* Shut Up! I'm Trying to Hegemonize!

* Hand Grenades In The Podium And Other Keys To A Successful Press Conference

* What Good Is Having Nukes If We're Not Going To Use Them?

* I TOLD You Not To Listen To Colin Powell!

* I Don't Want To Beat You To Death With Your Own Press Credentials, But I Will If I Have To

* Invade Their Country and Steal Their Oil - Solutions To Illegal Immigration

* KILL! KILL! KILL! - The Rumsfeld Doctrine Explained

* You Say "Torturing Terrorists" Like It's a BAD Thing

* Five Point Palm Exploding Heart and Other Love Poems

* I Like You. I'll Kill You Last

* I Miss Napalm

* I'm Only Wearing Glasses So That My Eyes Don't Jump Out of My Head and Strangle You

* Pale Rider's Adventures In Apocalyptic Horsemanship

* Kittens, Puppies, Rainbows, and Other Irritants

* Remember When I Said I'd Kill You Last?... I Lied



Or maybe he'll just go with IMAO (Immolate Mutilate Annihilate Obliterate)

Any other guesses?

UPDATE: Apparently it's called The Rumsfeld Strangler

Rating: 2.8/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (26) | Precision Guided Humor Assignments
taters
Posted by Cadet Happy at 08:59 PM | Email This

Untitledssstayy-2.jpg

slingb02.jpg

Rating: 2.7/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (11) | Best of IMAO 2006
Let's ask the cats about building 370 miles of triple-layer fence on the US-Mexico border
Posted by Laurence Simon at 03:38 PM | Email This

Who cares what I think about building 370 miles of triple-layer fence on the US-Mexico border? It's time for a new feature of IMAO called Ask The Cats!

The Senate voted to build 370 miles of triple-layered fencing along the Mexican border Wednesday and clashed over citizenship for millions of men and women who live in the United States illegally.

Amid increasingly emotional debate over election-year immigration legislation, senators voted 83-16 to add fencing and 500 miles of vehicle barriers along the southern border. It marked the first significant victory in two days for conservatives seeking to place their stamp on the contentious measure.

What do you think about building 370 miles of triple-layer fence on the US-Mexico border?


Nardo: How many times have I told you to keep the gate closed, Senator Kennedy? And clean up your empties!

Frisky: Okay, I've built my section of the fence. Um... er... anyone want any water? Five bucks a bottle... wait, how many pesos is that?

Piper: I find it stunning that Senator Byrd voted in favor of a construction project that won't be built in West Virginia or named after him someh- crap! What was that? Are the Mexicans building catapaults?

Matata:Will the fence keep out Mexican food? 'Cause Mexican food gives my Daddy the vapors.

Elmo:Do they need any cats to guard the fences? It's gotta smell better than this place...

Adira: They'll just climb over it - like this.

Chocolate Chip: If they build the fence, does that mean I have to do the laundry?

KT:The fence won't do any good. The Mexican cats will just jump over it like this. Only more vertical with more air under them. Or am I flying?

FredIf they build an effective fence, who will supply my $150.00 a day catnip habit?

Beezer: It wont do any good. They'll just tunnel underneath like this.

Ernie: Who needs a fence? Stairs are so much easier to guard!

Angel: Well folks, I'm kinda on the fence about this, but they'd better stay clear of my Special Kitty...

Lilly: Will the wall will be built in time for Christmas Festivities, like pelting illegals with snowballs...

Sydney: We don't need no gorram fence. I aim to misbehave. Jayne - bring Vera and your grenades...

Tiger: The fence is stupid. Congress is going to let more people in legally than the ones who came here illegally. Now if you could build a fence to keep the squirrels out of the yard that would be different.

Lucky: You mind? We’re having a siesta aqui. If you’re not here to give me some raw meat, I’d like to get back to it.


Yakko: Maybe instead of a fence, we can resume nuclear tests in the border states. I have a 15 megapurr device I've been testing. See?

Fuzzy: I will just head down to the border and catch them just like this! I am a big fan of "catch and release", so no mouse was injured during the filming of this picture.
What
does
your
cat
think?
Thank you, kittycats.

Does your cat have an opinion on the subject? Then send the following to askthecats (at) isfullofcrap.com:

  • A photo of the cat or cats in JPEG format (If you've already submitted the photo, it will be in my gallery archive. Just let me know the URL of the thumbnail photo to use again)
  • Their opinion, whether it pertains to the subject or not
  • (optional) Your blog's URL
And you'll see them up here with the rest of the kittycats!

Rating: 2.9/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (18)
Carnival Of Comedy Reminder
Posted by spacemonkey at 02:25 PM | Email This

CoC_Hah.jpg

The 55th Carnival of Comedy is tomorrow, May 18! Thursday! And it will be at fmragtops's place! Really!

Get those entries in to here, or here!

Schedule
May 25, #56- Passionate America
Jun 01, #57- The MoxArgon Group
Jun 08, #58- Jerry Dante [language]
Jun 15, #59- FIAR!

Rating: 3.4/5 (4 votes cast)

An IMAO educational moment
Posted by RightWingDuck at 01:04 PM | Email This

What is it with Hollywood celebrities and their kids. When they're not dangling them off balconies, they're driving with them in their laps, or giving them fractured skulls.

Do you know what the problem is? I don't think anyone has ever told them about proper child care.

Here is a special IMAO educational moment.

Taking care of your kid!

rearface.jpg

This is good.The child is placed safely in his seat and he is facing to the rear. It is not the law, but it is recommended.

Let's look at some Bad things.. Common mistakes many of us can make without even know it.


Read More...


Rating: 2.7/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (11)
President Pup
Posted by Frank J. at 12:16 PM | Email This

I don't know if the Constitution allows a dog to become President, but I think Patton takes a lot of brave stances and could get my vote.

Rating: 1.8/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Frank Advice to Skyrocket Bush's Approval Ratings
Posted by Frank J. at 10:57 AM | Email This

I've been hard on Bush lately, but I want him to succeed. I think he can get right up there in approval ratings while making America a greater and safer nation, but he needs to follow my advice.

First thing, lose the suit. Go with the cowboy hat and duster like Walker Texas Ranger. Always have a loaded peacemaker at your side and be chomping on a cigar for effect. Also, camera crews need to follow you around all the time so the American people can see you doing all this.

Anyway, here are a few specifics of what you can do. You can probably add to this, but I'd say do all of this as a minimum:

* First, put the Democrat politicians in their place. Put out your cigar on Harry Reid's face next time he speaks out. Tell Pelosi to shut up before the strain of talking causes her skull to shoot out her face. Ambush that nut Howard Dean while he is on a political talk show and repeat his moronic statements, each one followed by a punch to the face. Take a vial of pepper spray labeled "Holy Water" and throw it in Hillary's face while she's giving a speech. Have Cynthia McKinney dragged away to an insane asylum and threaten to do the same to anyone who voted for her. Bind Patrick Kennedy and put him in the front seat of a crash test car. Before hitting the button to slam him into a wall, tell him, "When the ambulance comes, say you were on the way to a vote." As for Big Fat Teddy K, next time he liquors up, put him in a car and then push it off a bridge saying, "Let's see if you can still swim, you fat bastard!"

* Next, take on the liberal moonbats. Just hunt down a few of the nuts like Kos and slap them around on camera so Americans see what a bunch of weenie little loons they are. Do the same with freak college professors in some random visits to different college campuses (start a contest students can enter called "Have the President Publicly Beat the Crap Out of My Liberal College Professor"). Just ignore Hollywood, because that's what hurts them the most.

* Now put Congress and spending in its place by freezing the assets of everyone in Congress just like you do terrorists until Congress can decided how to get federal spending under control. Beat with a chair the first person to suggest more taxes.

* Douse with gasoline and threaten with a match the next politician who tries to demagogue the gasoline costs issue. Have him weepingly explain to the camera as he begs for his life how gas prices are set and the many issues involved.

* Take all the available National Guard and lead them into march through Mexico to Vicente Fox's house. Smash it up a bit, take a few things you like, and, if Fox gets pissy, tell him that your just respecting the borders as much as he is and, if he likes to keep the status quo, he can expect more visits. Divert funding from welfare to buying arms for Minutemen.

* Kidnap Kofi Anan and have him battle John Bolton in a cage match. When Bolton emerges the victor, declare him new leader of the U.N. Let him clean house of illegitimate governments such as dictatorships and Communists. Throw France off the Security Council and instead give them their own special corner to cower in.

* Next time you meet with "President" Hu Jintao of China, after he finishes saying how great it is to have a meeting and how gracious you are, shoot him in the kneecaps and remark, "America never gets tired of shooting Communists, and we never will."

* Have a meeting with Hugo Chavez. As soon as he starts to talk, punch him in the throat. Then grab his head and start slamming it against a table until he agrees to face the cameras and admit he's "a dainty little girl."

* Meet with the Hamas leaders of the Palestinians.

HAMAS: We will not recognize the existence of Israel. That's our policy.

:: Bush pulls out a gun and shoots the Hamas leader in the head. ::

BUSH: I kill terrorists. That's my policy.

* Give the military full authorization to use whatever force it feels necessary in Iraq. If things spill over into Syria or Iran, well, you're "lax on border issues."

* As for Iran, tell them they better get moving on their nuclear program if they want to retaliate because you're going to nuke Tehran in three days. Then go on vacation for three days and be completely unreachable.

Now that is how you be a President. So take my advice, President Bush, and regain respect while setting example for future generations on to properly use violence to solve problems (I don’t want things too screwed up before I’m old enough to take office in 2016). Remember, when you scare everyone, the more so you scare our enemies.

Rating: 2.9/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (28) | Best of IMAO 2006
Glad Syttende Mai!
Posted by Frank J. at 09:29 AM | Email This

Glad Syttende Mai til vår Norsk lesere! En dag av independance, frihet, og drukkenskap! Så har en pickled egg, lar ut deres Norsk Blå parrot, åpner en Dahls Pils og synger. . . Ja vi eslker dette landet!

may17.gif

Noe kommentarer er på norsk, eller de strøket.

Rating: 1.5/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (23)
Just Punch the Left in Their Dumb Monkey Faces
Posted by Frank J. at 09:05 AM | Email This

Bill Hobbs has advice on how President Bush can win back support, and it's close to my own reccomendation.

Rating: 3.1/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (11)
Dog Bites Man, No News; Bear Bites Monkey...
Posted by Frank J. at 09:02 AM | Email This

Many readers e-mailed about how a bear killed and ate a monkey. Apparently the monkey stared at the bear with its dumb monkey face and the bear couldn't help but maul him. I am fully in support of this. Bears should be trained to kill and dispose of monkeys. There are many bears in America, and they can help eliminate monkey menaces hiding in forests. In the future, if you think you see a monkey, just alert your local bear. Only you and bears can prevent monkeys.

Rating: 3.3/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (12)
Wear with Pride
Posted by Frank J. at 08:39 AM | Email This

The 101st Fighting Keyboardist shirts are now available.

It's the prefect shirt to wear when punching liberals in their dumb monkey faces.

(Full Disclosure: I don't earn any money from this, but I do get a free shirt.)

Rating: 2.2/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (1)
Book Reviews are Fun. Really!
Posted by RightWingDuck at 01:40 AM | Email This

In an attempt to increase our influence, we have reached into the bold world of book reviews.

Today's review: Help Mom, Hollywood is in My Hamper.

Disclosure stuff. This book was given to me by Active Christian Media (formerly known as blogs for books) as a gift from the publisher so that we could review it. No financial compensation was given for this review, even though I begged and begged.

Story: Help Mom is about two sisters: Janie and Sam. Hoping to buy a new bike, they choose babysitting as a means to generate more income. Along the way, Hollywood Stars keep popping up out of their hamper.Hence the title. These Stars try to separate Janie and Sam from their newly earned monies. Rayonna (get it?) Daisy Smears, and a few others show up offering the ultimate prize: an opportunity to buy Star-sponsored merchandise that is "all the rage." Momentarily awed by the cult of celebrity, the girls give in. They buy Onion perfume (it's all the rage), clown pants, and even wear cracked pots on their heads. Eventually, Janie and Sam come to their senses and realize the futility of chasing the latest trend and listening to the Hollywood Stars.

The good: I liked this book. I read the book to my seven year old daughter and she giggled through most of it. At this point, she understands some of the references, but not all of them. That's fine for now. What I appreciated most was the light hearted tone in exposing the silliness of chasing the latest trend or wanting to me "just like the stars."

The other day, Britney Spears introduced a new fragrance. My daughter and I jokingly wondered if it smelled like onions. It's a nice seed to plant in her young mind: Just because a celebrity says it's good, doesn't mean that it is!

The not so good. The pictures, although cutely drawn, are distracting. Remember MAD magazine when they'd spoof a film or TV show? You'd spend time looking at every detail examining each small gag. Same thing except not as many gags. I'm not sure young kids will understand a caricature of Jack Nicholson standing on a corner with a sign saying "Will act for Laker tickets." That's just me and a minor quibble.

Another pet peeve. This books talks about the people trying to influence our kids and the silliness of it all. You know who else is good at influencing kids? PARENTS! It would be nice to read a kids book that actually had parents giving their kids some direction. The parents play no role in this book but, again, a minor quibble.


Final Verdict.
This is a really good, cute, fun book. If you have children under the age of 12, then you really should buy this and sit down and read it with them. WITH. THEM - Parenting remember? It's good, although not "all the rage." You can buy this book by clicking the handy icon at the right side of the toolbar. See? We made it easy for you.

That wraps up my book review which, by the way, will be coming out as a major motion picture one day soon. Check your local listings. It stars me and Rayonna.

If you'd like to review books for Active Christian Media, please visit their blog and get more details.

Rating: 2.5/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (4) | IMAO Reviews
May 16, 2006
American Idol top 3
Posted by sarahk at 11:43 PM | Email This

So it is down to three. Chris is gonna do way better, so we're all over him getting kicked off in favor of Katharine, who was almost as shocked as Chris was.

Well, I can see the cocaine and boob job crowd is out in full force tonight. No, I'm not talking about Paula. I'm talking about all those fake boobs in the front row.

3 songs from each tonight. 1 picked by the judges, 1 picked by Clive Davis, 1 picked by the contestant. This is the show where Clive or the judges or both can sabotage a contestant by picking the wrong song for the contestant.

Now here's the skinny: If the finals are Taylor / Katharine: Snore. Elliott / Katharine: Weird dream snore. Taylor / Elliott: Fun and interesting.

Read More...


Rating: 3.1/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (20) | SarahK's TV stuff
DaVinci Code Protests
Posted by Laurence Simon at 11:24 PM | Email This

Q: Why are albinos unhappy with the evil priest in The DaVinci Code being an albino?

Read More...


Rating: 2.6/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (7)
Nothing to See Here
Posted by Frank J. at 05:12 PM | Email This

I really like Best of the Web and read it every week day, but I've noticed how they've tended to ignore the whole immigration issue. Now that Bush gave a primetime speech making the topic impossible to avoid, they're pretty dismissive and glib about the critics.

How many other supporters of the President on immigration are left?

Rating: 1.3/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Fuel Efficiency
Posted by Frank J. at 04:51 PM | Email This

I was talking to someone at work, and he was telling me how is motorcycle gets like fifty miles per gallon. Sounds to me like we need less hybrids and more biker gangs.

Rating: 1.5/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (8) | Best of IMAO 2006
Enough Already
Posted by Frank J. at 01:48 PM | Email This

I'm tired of seeing wacko lefty moonbats calling President Bush "Chimpy McHitler." It's just stupid and has no bearing in reality. Hitler was never lax on border security, and chimpanzees are quite territorial.

Rating: 3.0/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (13) | Best of IMAO 2006
PS: There is no Zionist Conspiracy
Posted by Laurence Simon at 01:12 PM | Email This

DONALD RUMSFELD
SECRETARY OF DEFENCE
PRESIDENT OF SHADOW GOVERNMENT
THE PENTAGON
WASHINGTON, D.C.

Dear Don,

Okay, I'm done rendering up the movie of the plane hitting The Pentagon on 9/11. Looks beautiful.

I'd have had it sooner, but I kept having conflicts with the Logitech drivers the catcams use. Plus, there was that two weeks delay when you wanted me to remove Michael Moore's face from one of the windows, even though you'd requested that in the original specs.

You will not be charged for the additional labor and processing necessary to fix the name stenciled on the airliner. We apologize greatly for putting "United" on there when it should have read "American" but we did get the colors right.

It's a pretty big file. Do you want me to send it to you burned to a DVD, or do you want me to attach it to an email to your gmail box?

All hail ZOG,
Laurence Simon
Chief Video Fakery and Flimflammery Officer, Texas Sector

cc: President George W. Bush, LFG Commander Charles Johnson, The Frozen Head Of Ariel Sharon, Doug Flutie

Rating: 3.5/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (12)
CNN Breaks News Story....
Posted by RightWingDuck at 11:33 AM | Email This

CNN on the cutting edge.

Once again CNN has trumped other news outlets. Last night, the C able News Network offered America a glimpse into secret inner workings of the Bush Administration.

Said an unidentified source, "We definitely have proof that President Bush rehearses his speeches." The network was able to show early footage of the President practicing the word Noo-kaa-ler and trying to say Guest Worker Program with a straight face.

This has triggered storm of rebuttals from White House Spokesman Tony Snow who replied, "That's right. He practiced his speech. So what?"

This type of response is typical of what CNN might expect of an adminiistration which orchestrates everything from false invasions to global warming to the pre-empting of Oprah Winfrey's Legends Ball.

A CNN spokesman commented, "We are shining the light of truth on this corrupt administration. Eventualy, we hope to catch President Bush picking his nose."

Rating: 1.2/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (5)
I Imagine a World Without Borders
An Editorial by Frank J.
Posted by Frank J. at 11:25 AM | Email This

 Everyone seems to be so worried about our borders these days, and I'm like, "Chill, dude." Borders are a concept of ancient times when people were totally uncool and all wanted to kill each other. We've matured past such attitudes and should stop getting all bent out of shape over a few people sneaking into our country and instead focus on becoming a world with no borders.

"Mexicans just want to do the job Americans won't do, and, when we have their population at gunpoint, they'll also do the jobs they don't want to do."

 First, lets get rid of all the border agents and tell the Minutemen to calm down and just have a barbecue or something. If Mexicans want to come over here, whatever. And, if we want to go to Mexico, that's cool too. And, if the Americans who come over happen to be armed soldiers who then terminate all the officials in the Mexican government, so what. Let's not "freak out" over it because "freaking out" is for people still hung up on the archaic concept of "borders." Mexicans just want to do the job Americans won't do, and, when we have their population at gunpoint, they'll also do the jobs they don't want to do for the promise of one meal a day and a cot to sleep on. Some might kick a soccer ball at us in protest, but soon everyone in Mexico will grow to love the idea of no borders... or else.

 And let's stop pretending that our border with Canada means anything. Canadians really are just part of America, aren't they? If we want free maple syrup, then I'm sure they'll give us free maple syrup before we're forced to shoot them. Since we'll be part of one society with no borders, they'll be happy to get rid of their socialized health care to pay the "Because You're Canada" tax. They'll welcome the Americans who roam Quebec in mobs, burning down any building that has a sign in French, because you know what that is? It's progress.

 But why keep this progressive concept of ending borders to our hemisphere? Know who has a big problem with borders? The Middle East. We can finally bring peace there by annulling all borders. There will be some resistance, and some bombs may have to be used - and some of those bombs may involve fission - but peace will triumph. Then the new borderless Middle East will mean cheap oil for all... and by all I mean America. The complications of the initial debordering may mean a lack of local labor for the oil pumping now, but we can get more labor from elsewhere like Europe, which has far too many borders. The French youth are always complaining about lack of work, but we'll have some nice 100 hour a week jobs getting us crude. No, there won't be paid over time. There might not even be paid regular time... but why focus on that when we're moving to a borderless utopia?

 Eventually we'll have no borders, and the new American Empire will have nothing but peace for all, because anyone not being peaceful will be shot. Thus, everyone will be happy. And what's not to be happy about? No borders means no wars and no need for walls to limit us. There will be a heavily guarded wall around the Imperial Capital to keep intellectuals like me from having to interact with the common folk, but let's not split hairs. Anyway, I'll be busy designing robots to eventually do all the labor, and then the unskilled workers can be converted to robots fuel. That's the future we are heading towards, and nothing can stop it.

 Unless, of course, you want to be a weenie and have enforceable borders.

Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as "More Work for Less Mexicans: Building a More Fuel-Efficient Robot" and "'Bah!', 'Feh!', and Other Great Responses to the Complaints of Common Folk".

Rating: 3.1/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (9) | Editorials
Fist... Curling...
Posted by Frank J. at 09:08 AM | Email This

I have to say, the dumb monkey face I want to punch the most is that of Senator Hagel. Anytime I see the mug of that moronic simian, I just want to punch the TV screen. Since I was at a hotel over the weekend and the TV wasn't mine, I did punch the TV on Sunday when Hagel's face appeared. It hurt a bit, but it was worth it.

So, who do you think has the dumbest monkey face that you want to punch the most?

Rating: 3.3/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (31)
Previously on IMAO...
Posted by Frank J. at 08:51 AM | Email This

Frank J. was accused of hostile humor. He responded by pointing out how all liberals have dumb monkey faces that need to be punched. This was hearlded as an insightful observation by most, but some secretly plotted against him...

Rating: 2.3/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (12)
May 15, 2006
It's only fair to provide a counter-example
Posted by Laurence Simon at 10:32 PM | Email This

President Bush provided an example of "an illegal immigrant making good" during his speech tonight:

On a visit to Bethesda Naval Hospital, Laura and I met a wounded Marine named Guadalupe Denogean. Master Gunnery Sergeant Denogean came to the United States from Mexico when he was a boy. He spent his summers picking crops with his family, and then he volunteered for the United States Marine Corps as soon as he was able. During the liberation of Iraq, Master Gunnery Sergeant Denogean was seriously injured. When asked if he had any requests, he made two a promotion for the corporal who helped rescue him and the chance to become an American citizen. And when this brave Marine raised his right hand, and swore an oath to become a citizen of the country he had defended for more than 26 years, I was honored to stand at his side.

An honorable and noble individual serving his country of choice, for certain. But here in Texas (a state that Bush occasionally helps clear brush from time to time), we have plenty of counter-examples to Master Gunnery Sergeant Denogean enjoying three squares a day, a cell in Huntsville, and the possibility of getting boo-hooed over by Danny Glover and Edward James Olmos worth considering.

This one strikes particularly close to home:

Florida Department of Corrections #73584 on a 20 year sentence for Burglary, vehicle theft, and aggravated assault (on an hispanic male with a knife), paroled 8/27/1985; FCI #35285-079 on 18 month sentence for Immigration Illegal Re-entry and False Representation to be a Citizen, discharged to detainer in 1987; FCI on 30 month sentence for False Statement to USINS and Use of Alias with Intent to Induce a Passport, discharged to detainer in 1991 to New Mexico State Prison; New Mexico State Prison #41648 on 18 month sentence for Residential Burglary, paroled 4/3/1993

Bounced around, passed around like a hot potato, catch-and-release, yadda yadda yadda.

And the end result?

On 12/17/1998 during the night in Houston, Resendiz killed an adult Hispanic female by beating her to death with a statuette from the victim's home. Resendiz had broken into the victim's house by going through an open door. Resendiz took the victim's cash and fled the scene in the victim's jeep. Resendiz is believed to have committed a series of murders throughout Texas and other states.

Barring interference from judges at various levels, we'll be sticking a needle in his arm in late June and shipping him back to Vicente Fox shortly afterwards.

How many more Railway Killers are in this nation's future when the floodgates are opened, President Bush?

Rating: 2.5/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (6)
24 Day 5 - 4:00 a.m.
Posted by sarahk at 10:04 PM | Email This

Previously on 24, President Estrogen tried to shoot down Jack's plane, but they landed in time. Rico Suave helped Jack escape. Bierko got onto a transfer van where he will wreak havoc and escape. Mr. F, Bill, Chloe, and Jack worked together, and Chloe worked on the recording but didn't bother to copy that. Miles the Weasel decided to intervene and erased the recording to help the president. Jack kissed Audrey's knee when they reunited, SarahK vomited in massive quantities. Estro was just about to kill himself when Miles called him.

Read More...


Rating: 3.0/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (9) | SarahK's TV stuff
I'm completely out on Bush
Posted by sarahk at 09:13 PM | Email This

Done. Have been for quite a while. The border is my main issue, but there are others. So let's see what he's saying:

* National Guard will back up the Border Patrol by monitoring, watching, installing, and other such stuff. = National Guard will back up the Border Patrol by doing paperwork and watching TV.

* We're gonna have a high-tech fence. = (Virtual fence.) We're not gonna have a fence, we'll just draw a white line in chalk or lime and ask the illegals to pretty please stay on the other side of our "fence". Pretty please.

* I'll ask Congress for additional funding so we can end "Catch and Release" once and for all. = We'll have "Catch and Release" forever because I'm counting on Congress to never pass the law I "support".

* We need a temporary worker program = Amnesty.

* It is against the law to hire illegals, so we're going to have a foolproof ID card for immigrants. = Yeah, Congress won't pass that one either, so we're gonna yell at employers who hire illegals. We might even send them a letter.

* Amnesty is wrong. I oppose it. But let's not send anyone home. That's not amnesty, what I'm describing. = Amnesty is the only way! Yay amnesty!

* Some illegal people have been here a long time. It would be bad to send them home and uproot their illegal roots. They have families. Let them stay. = Amnesty for those who have been sucking money from our society without paying into it for the longest time. They deserve amnesty! Yay!

Congratulations, Mr. President. You are now officially a really bad President in my eyes. But I'll still call you President Bush out of respect.

Rating: 2.9/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (36)
Rove Indicted Roundup!!!!
Posted by spacemonkey at 12:35 PM | Email This

ROVE indicted! What? You haven't heard, possibly due to the Bush regime's ordered news blackout??

Well, it's so completely and absolutely TRUE!
Read this for proof!

Doubtful? Wizbang has the photoshopic truth! See? You just can't fake that. That's his FACE, man! Those are the police! I thought the story couldn't get any truer but it has.

Also now we're all getting our very own unicorn!!!!

****THIS JUST IN!!!!! ***

Bush to be impeached then convicted and finally deported ALL LIVE tonight during his immigration speech!!!!!

THIS ALSO JUST IN!!!!!

Al Gore to be INSTALLED AS PRESIDENT!!!! Right after he invents a car that runs on rainbows, moonbeams and failed cable TV programming.

Set your Tivo!

Rating: 3.3/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (21)
Dick Cheney's Rejected War On Terror Strategies
Posted by Harvey at 12:26 PM | Email This

Lacking any real news, the New York Times is reporting that Dick Cheney suggested warrantless wire-taps of purely domestic phone calls. Apparently the Bush administration is now guilty of things it DIDN'T do, too.

Here are some of the other Cheney suggestions that got shot down:



* Having Americans prove their loyalty by getting a Mohammed cartoon tattooed on their ass.

* Guess what would have formed Mohammed's mouth?

* If this one ever does pass, I'm already compliant.

* No one allowed on a plane without an official "NOT A TERRORIST" hand stamp.

* Bush should use his connections with God to cause a plague of locusts to descend on terrorist training camps.

* And San Francisco.

* No one who owns a red light saber will be allowed to learn the ways of the Force.

* No left-handed sword-fighting unless you are, indeed, left-handed.

* Anyone who can make that "ULULULULULULU!" sound will be relocated to a highly flammable building in Waco.

* Random pop-culture quizzes with questions like "Who won the World Series?", "How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?", and "What celestial body does Frank J. advocate nuking?"

* Arrest anyone wearing any form of turban, especially hot, naked women just stepping out of the shower.



If you've gotten wind of any of his other rejected schemes, let me know.

Rating: 3.5/5 (1 vote cast)

Comments (13)
Why not just walk down the street and knock on Fidel's door?
Posted by Laurence Simon at 10:30 AM | Email This

Okay, so the MSM says the Irish are lonely because the Irish are tops in searches for "lonely" on Google.

Ireland may be enjoying stellar economic growth and seen as one of the best places in the world to live, but its inhabitants are apparently also the globe's loneliest.

Google Trends, which works out how many searches have been done via the Internet search engine on particular terms, showed the word "lonely" was entered most frequently by Internet users in Ireland: http://www.google.com/trends?q=lonely.

The Irish, enjoying new-found wealth and a flood of immigration following more than a century of economic decline, are followed in the misery stakes by residents of Singapore and New Zealand -- although Singaporeans are the most frequent searchers of "happiness."

So what does this Google Trend say of the people of Havana, Cuba?

Read More...


Rating: 3.0/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (12)
----------^v--^V---
Posted by spacemonkey at 09:32 AM | Email This

Coffee.

It's what's for breakfast.

Speaking of coffee. I'm going for another cup.

What gets YOU going in the morning?

Coffee?
Mt Dew?
An unflinching desire to stamp out liberalism?

Update: The comments have degraded into a Mt Dew vs Coffee flame war. Join now!

Rating: 2.2/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (45)
May 14, 2006
Ted Kennedy's Plane Hit By Lightning
Posted by Harvey at 11:56 AM | Email This

Is this God's way of punching a liberal in his dumb monkey face?

Rating: 3.0/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (32)
Great Moments In Cross-Cultural Communication
Posted by Harvey at 10:43 AM | Email This

(click to enlarge)

In their "Celebrating American Diversity" class, Iraqi children learn how to flash a variety of popular gang signs.

[pic via CENTCOM - real story here]

Rating: 2.5/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (7)
May 13, 2006
The IMAO "World's Crappiest Mother" Mother's Day Poll
Posted by Laurence Simon at 01:01 PM | Email This

In honor of Mother's Day tomorrow, we'd like to honor the fine and outstanding mothers of the world by taking the time to identify the crappiest mothers out there.

I asked my own readers for nominations, and I've compiled the following candidates:

Who is the crappiest mother?
Mariam Farahat
Jocasta
Courtney Love
Debbie Rowe
Cindy Sheehan
Susan Smith
Britney Spears
Aicha el-Wafi
Andrea Pia Yates
Other
  
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Want to learn more about the candidates?

Read More...


Rating: 3.2/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (31)
May 12, 2006
New Question
Posted by Frank J. at 06:03 PM | Email This

Thanks for proving that there is limitless humor in punching liberals in their dumb monkey faces. Anyhoo, SarahK and I are having a little vacation. We won't be gone long, but, until we're back, here's a little question to discuss amongst yourselves:

What could Bush possibly say on Monday to get you to trust him on the issue of illegal immigration?

"I would just like to announce that I spoke with President Vicente Fox, and I then punched him in his dumb monkey face for not doing enough to control his own borders."

Rating: 1.1/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (49)
Punching... Monkeys... Faces... Liberals...
Posted by Frank J. at 02:25 PM | Email This

I have the day off and I don't feel like posting anything today, so write in the comments your own funny little rant that includes punching a liberal in his dumb monkey face. It'll be easy because everything involving punching liberals in their dumb monkey faces is funny.

Rating: 3.8/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (106)
Friday Open Line Just Like on RUSH!
Posted by spacemonkey at 02:14 PM | Email This

The NSA is wiretapping illegal aliens who are trying to cover up Patrick Kennedy's failed attempt to run over and thus end Barry Bonds run at the HR record because it's an illegal war for high oil prices, but he supports the troops.

Your thoughts?

Speak truth to power right here!

Rating: 3.6/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (15)
Friday Catblogging
Posted by Laurence Simon at 10:11 AM | Email This

Since it's Friday, I thought I'd spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka "I-MEOW").

Sure, some of the IMAO bloggers have cats, but apparently I'm the only one of them willing to risk condemnation from anti-Meowites by catblogging. On Friday. The holiest day of the week.

Anyway, it's time for Nardo the Sneaky:

If you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Nardo is... um...

Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.

(For more animal goodness, try Friday Ark today and Carnival of the Cats Sunday, so send your catblogging links to submissions @ carnivalofthecats.com.)

Rating: 2.6/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (21) | Friday Cat-Blogging
May 11, 2006
Carnival Of Comedy #54 is Up
Posted by spacemonkey at 11:10 PM | Email This

CoC_Hah.jpg

Dr. Phat Tony Hosted this weeks Carnival of Kennedy and does a bangup job.

Rating: 3.2/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (7) | Why Me Laugh?
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 04:30 PM | Email This

Why do liberals have dumb monkey faces?

Read More...


Rating: 2.6/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (29) | Fun Trivia
What would the NSA learn about me if they tapped my phone and monitored my phone records...
Posted by Laurence Simon at 03:23 PM | Email This

TOP TEN THINGS THE NSA WOULD LEARN FROM MY PHONE RECORDS AND RECORDED CONVERSATIONS:

10. The majority of calls to my phone are from my wife's phone. Not because we keep in touch constantly, but because I'm always using her phone to make mine ring so that I can find where I left my phone. Or because I've put the phone next to a sleeping Piper and want to scare the crap out of her by making the phone ring.

9. I wait until the last minute to refill my Vytorin prescription at Wallgreens every time. You'd think I'd just use the online system.

8. I do a really bad Elvis impression. People tell me it's good, but they'd probably hear them hit the Mute button and make gagging noises.

7. I complain about my ringtone a lot. When will they ever get Zevon's "Werewolves Of London" in the list?

6. My favorite strategy in getting rid of a caller is "My battery is running low, can I call you back?" and then I never call them back. And when they call me back, I just let voicemail catch it.

5. Two times a day, they'd hear this:

FRANKJ: "Hey, Lair."
ME: "What?"
FRANKJ: "Post something funny or I'll kill you."
ME: "Okay, Frank."
FRANKJ: "That's King FrankJ, servantboy!"

4. I should call my grandmother more often.

3. When I tell my mother I just tried calling my grandmother but I got a busy signal or didn't have the number handy, I'm full of crap.

2. I don't quite match the "70 year-old lefthanded lesbian Filipino astronaut" profile I keep telling Zogby when they poll me every so often, but then Zogby just makes their numbers up anyway.

1. Half of the time, I have absolutely no idea what I'm talking about. The other half of the time, I've got a weak connection and they can't hear me. So, I have to repeat myself, and they find out for certain that I have no idea what I'm talking about.

Rating: 2.5/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (58)
Shirts, Newsletters, and Whatnot
Posted by Frank J. at 01:52 PM | Email This

I should get to writing another newsletter soon. Operation Chicken Little didn't seem to be a big success, so what kind of secret and cool stuff do you want in the newsletter?

Also, I'll put out some new shirt designs soon. I'll probably do more slogan shirts. One reader suggested: "The only way to stop fascism is through an informed populace and well-armed United States Marines... but mainly just the Marines." That comes from one of my famous letters to the Limey. If there's some other thing I wrote you think is shirt worthy, make sure to mention it. I'll probably also make a shirt to warn liberals that you will punch them in their dumb monkey faces.

In other shirt news, the 101st Fighting Keyboardist shirt should be coming soon.

Anyway, continue to buy stuff so I get money.

Rating: 2.8/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (23)
Frank Guide to Foreigners on How Not to Anger Americans
Posted by Frank J. at 12:30 PM | Email This

Some people are making a guide on how Americans should act so foreigners will like them. That is so stupid. Americans are powerful, armed, and have short attention spans and even shorter tempers; foreigners should be much more concerned with angering us. If we get mad enough, we'll just call up our Congressman and have your country nuked. So, as a service to foreigners, here is:

A FRANK GUIDE TO NOT ANGERING AMERICANS

* Learn English. We're the most powerful country in the world, so you better be fluent in English just in case you ever one day run into an American or just want to know what we're saying about you... if anything. We don't have time to learn all your different silly little languages, so just learn ours. Also, if you’re begging a Marine to spare your life, it's much more effective if he can understand you.

* Don't localize your McDonalds. The last thing Americans want is to go to a McDonalds in some foreign country and find that their Big Macs taste weird because you foreigners like it cooked some strange way. Learn to like things the way Americans make them. Do serve beer at McDonalds, though.

* Don't insult the American President. I don't care if Jimmy Carter gets a second term; only Americans get to make fun of the American President. To you foreigners, he should be treated as a revered, God-like figure since he can, at anytime, order your puny country bombed.

* Have hat racks. Americans need someplace to hang their cowboy hats when entering an establishment. If an American finds no place to hang his cowboy hat, he may just pull out a gun and shoot you... and he'd be fully justified.

* Don't be French. I don't care if you live in France; it's unacceptable to Americans for you to be French. Fake an Italian accent or something. Even if it's not very good, we'll appreciate the effort.

* Don't comment on our foreign policy. If you wanted your opinion to matter, you shouldn't have been foreign. Just say that you like everything America is doing. We won't actually expect you to know everything America is doing, though, because we don't expect that of ourselves.

* Give us free stuff. The only reason your country is safe is because of America, so give Americans free stuff to show your appreciation. An American might even reward you with a story about American hero Jack Bauer if you're extra good.

* If an American tells you to do something, then do it immediately. Usually we'll just ask that you dance for our amusement.

* Accept American currency. We don't want to carry around your fruity colored currency, so just take our dollars and figure out what to do with them yourself.

* No sudden arm movements. We're trigger-happy, so don't give us cause.

Did I miss anything? Also, what do you international IMAO readers do to keep from angering Americans?

Rating: 2.2/5 (25 votes cast)

Comments (57) | Best of IMAO 2006
Carnival Of Comedy Reminder
Posted by spacemonkey at 11:59 AM | Email This

CoC_Hah.jpg

The Carnival of Comedy Today! will be at Dr Phat Tony's. I forgot the reminder. So here it is!

Get those entries in to here, or here!

Schedule
May 18, #55- fmragtops - How do you pronounce that?
May 25, #56- Passionate America
Jun 01, #57- The MoxArgon Group
Jun 08, #58- Jerry Dante [language]
Jun 15, #59- NOBODY!

I added dates to the schedule! No more doing calender math in your head!

Rating: 1.9/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (3)
I Wish Someone Was Out to Get You
Posted by Frank J. at 11:44 AM | Email This

With the news of NSA keeping phone logs of domestic calls, the moonbats are all paranoid. Seriously, though, calm down guys. You muckadoos shouldn't worry a thing, because no one cares to hear anything you guys say other than other moonbats (and the occasional conservative like me looking for a laugh). If I found out the NSA was spying on you guys, I'd demand an investigation because that would be a huge waste of taxpayer dollars.

What you guys should worry about are actual threats... like getting punched in your dumb monkey faces.

Rating: 1.8/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (11)
Political Fatigue
Posted by Frank J. at 10:55 AM | Email This

Where have all the cowboys gone?

Not only does President Bush have low approval numbers, but everyone in Washington is hated now. And why? Because they suck!

You hear about how the federal government is tipping off the Mexican government about the Minutemen? I really hope that's some rumor blown out of proportion, because now it seems like the Bush administration is just trying to piss conservatives off. Maybe Bush just got tired of angering the moonbats - all he has to do is sneeze and they call him "Hitler!" - so he's going for the full monty and destroying all support. Anyway, this sounds bad. Not only is the federal government failing to do its job, it's stopping Americans from getting it done. One of the biggest principles of America is that the people can do whatever our government fails at. That's why gun rights are so essential; you can't expect a police officer to magically appear when you're in trouble, so you have the ability to handle threats yourself. Self-reliance is what America is about, and the government working against self-reliance is double-plus ungood.

Back to my point (if I had one), there is no one to root for in politics right now. Where does that leave us heading into the 2006 elections? You dislike both sides, but you can't send them both a message because one of them will be elected.

Maybe the Libertarian Party can finally get some politicians elected nationally.

Read More...


Rating: 3.0/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (19)
Gather Around Me
Posted by Frank J. at 10:06 AM | Email This

I've been cross-posting some articles at Gather.com in attempt to reach more people and make more money. At least, I should have more of a chance there to get some liberal opinions on pieces and maybe get some debate.

Anyway, I made a Political Humor group you can post to, and I'll try my best to actually read stuff written there and critique it. Writing political humor isn't as easy or painfully hard as I make it look.

UPDATE: BTW, I need an image to represent my Political Humor group. Any idea what that should be?

Rating: 2.8/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (6)
No, Really, It's JUST a Commercial
Posted by Harvey at 09:57 AM | Email This

[Author's Note: The following is mostly a technical analysis of TV commercial humor and is not specifically a humor piece itself, so read it at your own peril. However, hilarity may ensue in the comments if offended feminists start dropping by.]

Via Right Wing Nation, I found an offended feminist complaining about this Carl's Jr. commercial wherein Dr. 90210 recommends breast augmentation... the punchline being that he's talking to a chicken, and chicken sandwiches are what's being advertised. But yon offended feminist claims that it's not "just a commercial"

It's not "just" anything. It's an ideological piece of propaganda designed to justify two things: the annihilation of chicken's lives and the annihilation of the human female's self esteem.

Gotta disagree.

(continued in extended entry)

Read More...


Rating: 2.8/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (13) | Why Me Laugh?
I Don't Read Column A or Column B
Posted by Frank J. at 08:52 AM | Email This

John Hawkins has a list of bloggers favorite columnists. I didn't participate in this poll because I just don't have the attention span for writing a column. The columnist I'm closest to reading regularly is Jonah Goldberg, but I still plan on stealing his job. And, as you can tell from my lack of proofreading, I don't even read my own stuff.

Rating: 3.6/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (2)
A Comment on Comments
Posted by Frank J. at 08:45 AM | Email This

You may not know it since I don't respond too often, but I do read every single comment to my posts since they get e-mailed to me. Lately, I've noticed some comments that are mean to me. That's not good. I'm very sensitive, and, if I don't get constant encouragement, I'm going to break down and eat ice cream until I'm fat. At my weight, it will take a long time until I'm fat, so that means a long time without posts. And, when I'm fat, I'll have to be one of those funny fat guys, but that's not really my thing. Plus, those people tend to die.

So, comment people, you police the comments. If someone is mean to me, you tell him "No!" and make him write nice comments to make me happy. Otherwise I'm just going to cry and write posts about what the cats are doing, and none of us want that.

Rating: 2.2/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (33)
News! + Doodles! = Newdles!!
Posted by spacemonkey at 12:09 AM | Email This

RWD: Hello, I'm Rightwingduck and I'm bringing you the news.

SM: Hello, I'm spacemonkey and I'm bringing you some doodles.

RWD: News

SM: Doodles

Together: Newdles!

newdle1a.jpg

Yay, It's magic. It's magic.

Magician David Blaine stunned the world by staying submerged underwater for seven days.

All that time underwater left Mr. Blaine wrinkled, withered and pruny. People say, "How can that be magic?" I disagree. It's not easy going in looking like David Blaine and coming out looking like Helen Thomas.


A person can stay underwater for seven days? Wow, if Ted Kennedy had known that, he might have stood a chance at becoming president.
newdle1b.jpg
Speaking of the Kennedy clan. Representavie Patrick Kennedy checked himself into a rehab program. We are at the point where rehab programs have what's called the Kennedy Plan. It features courses in proper nutrition, stress management, and driver's ed.

Future Kennedy cars will have a standard safety feature: A chauffeur.

Why can't cars drive themselves? Like the K.I.T.T. on Knight Rider. Did you hear about this? They are going to make the movie version of Knight Rider, a TV show from the eighties that featured dangerous crime fighting. It will star David Hasselhoff and feature less violence than his last marriage.

Bwuhahaha.

David's got more attitude for this movie. In fact, there's this one scene where he gives Kitt a good washing, using SpongeBob Squarepants.

Times have changed. In the movie, Hasselhoff doesn't get the girl, but KITT does makes out with the GPS system.

The original proposed title was; "Old guy with a really cool car."

Heh. Heh. Old guys.

President Bush is in Florida promoting the new Medicare Prescription Drug benefit.

Maybe if he could get more seniors on drugs, he'd get them to approve of him.

Dubya's playing dirty pool. Every person he meets he hugs yelling, "Grandpa I love you."

Even the ladies.


newdle1c.jpg

In other Hollywood news, we're hearing talk that Ashlee Simpson had a nose job. True. They're saying that she had a bump removed from her nose. I think it's a good decision. That bump on her nose was starting to distract from her lip synching.

Star Jones might be leaving her morning slot at The View. Rumor has it the chatty talk show will try to replace her with Rosie O' Donnell. That's what the show needs – another loud mouthed, opinionated talker involved in a homosexual relationship. Why did they even bother to make a change? I could simply take the picture on the screen and adjust the brightness level.

RWD: (Playing with contrast knobs). "White chick. Dark chick. White chick. Dark chick."


newdle1d.jpg
Barry Bonds is now closing in on the homerun record held by Babe Ruth. 714!

Some people say he's using 'roids to help him get the record, i say if the burning and itching help him hit it better, who cares?

If he DOES break the record, he'll be assured a spot in the Baseball Hall of Fame, provided they ever build a Pharmacology wing.

Barry's been a pro for a long, long time. But, I can still remember back when he was playing in the pharma leagues.

Hey, Barry and Dubya have something in common: They're both selling the benefits of a good drug plan.

***

Ok, that's the newdles, it's spacemonkey's name for it. Spacemonkey and I want to know what you liked but really we want to know what you loved!

Rating: 2.1/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (15)
May 10, 2006
American Idol top 4 results
Posted by sarahk at 10:38 PM | Email This

I don't have a good feeling. I really think Chris is gone. Oh, but seriously. ALIAS DETOUR! I'm gonna get all caught up on my ALIAS snarkage real soon, because tonight's episode is possibly the most snarkworthy EVER!!! (No, wait. Blowback from Season 3 can't ever be beat, truth be told.) GHOST OF NADIA, THANK YOU J.J., I'M IN SNARKER'S HEAVEN! Can you tell what we just watched?

LOL, the Ford commercial ("Wonderful World", our wedding last dance) reminds me of last week's ALIAS, which I really need to snark, because the blatant Ford commercial where Nadia asked Jack about getting the Hybrid was even more blatant a Ford commercial than the Blowback one with the F-150 and the blue Focus. It's so hilarious that I remember the cars (colors and everything!), so Ford is getting its money's worth. Anyway, this AI commercial stunk.

Read More...


Rating: 2.9/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (15) | SarahK's TV stuff
A Better Sentence for Moussaoui
Posted by Harvey at 05:37 PM | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Some folks are upset that terrorist scumbag Zacarias Moussaoui didn't get the death penalty.

Personally, I don't think he deserved death. I mean, he didn't actually DO anything, right? As the great philosopher Sideshow Bob once said, "Attempted murder? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel prize for attempted chemistry?"

Me, I think Moussaoui should become America's new symbol of Justice.

By which I mean he should be blindfolded, have a sword and scales placed in his outstretched hands, be encased in concrete, and placed in front of the US District Court in Alexandria Virginia.

The pigeons will take care of the rest.

Rating: 2.1/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (6) | Precision Guided Humor Assignments
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 04:22 PM | Email This

What is the proper response to someone who calls the humor at IMAO "hostile" and "infantile"?

Read More...


Rating: 3.1/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (21) | Fun Trivia
101st Fighting Keyboardist Update
Posted by Frank J. at 03:36 PM | Email This

...from Captain Ed.

That reminds me; I need to add that blogroll since I don't have any blogroll right now.

Ah... I'll have spacemonkey do it.

Rating: 3.0/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (1)
Reason I Hate Liberals #64,558
Posted by Frank J. at 02:54 PM | Email This

When I tell a liberal that, if he says one more stupid word, I'll punch him square in his dumb monkey face, he always takes it personally. Lighten up, you stupid monkey-faced liberal!

Rating: 2.0/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (8)
In My World: The Least Hated
Posted by Frank J. at 12:56 PM | Email This

[UPDATE: Now with spooky ending!]

A horn honked outside the White House. "Hey! Bush!"

President Bush stuck his head out the window. "What?"

"I hate you!" The man sped off down the street.

Bush collapsed in his office chair. "Aww... everyone hates me."

"Why are you talking to me?" Condoleezza Rice asked. "I don't like you!" She left the Oval Office.

The hooded figure of Karl Rove emerged from the shadows. "I have good news."

"It better not be about how you saved money on car insurance because mine just went up since my insurer hate me."

"No. The news I bring is about the popularity of Congress. It is at an all time low." Rove handed a sheet of polling data to Bush.

"Wow! Despite polling the low thirties, I'm the most popular politician in Washington!" Bush turned to Rove. "I guess the American people just hate all politicians now. Maybe it's time for some bi-partisan action."

"Muh ha ha ha!" Rove disappeared back into the shadows.

Bush chuckled. "Rover sure is a jovial fella. Anyway, it's time to make America love politicians."

* * * *

"Nothing says love like a carnival!" Bush exclaimed. "And, with a carnival run by politicians, people will love us again."

Cheney just grumbled.

"You have to have a better spirit than that," Bush said. "And I thought I told you to not bring a shotgun; people are going to be afraid that you're gonna shoot 'em in the face."

Cheney rubbed his shotgun. "Maybe they should be afraid."

Bush turned to check on the Democrats. Nancy Pelosi's skin was stretched back so that her teeth were bared. The site made Bush recoil in horror, and nearby children screamed and ran away. "What are you doing?" Bush demanded.

"I'm smiling," Pelosi answered.

"Then don't ever smile again. We're trying to make people like us, not give them nightmares. Don't make me regret including you Democrats." Bush looked to Harry Reid. "So how are things going with you, Dingy Harry?"

"I keep trying to make the kids balloon animals, but they kick me in the groin."

"Yeah, kids will do that... to you."

"There are those stupid politicians!" a man shouted. A crowd then headed over to Bush, Cheney, Pelosi, and Reid.

"What are you going to do about illegal immigration?" one woman demanded.

"I'll tell you what I won't do," Bush said, "Amnesty. I may do something that seems like amnesty and goes along with any standard definition of amnesty and everyone will call it amnesty... but it's not amnesty because we have a different name for it."

"The most important thing about Mexican immigrants," Reid stated, "is getting them registered to vote."

"And we have to make sure ballots are in Spanish," Pelosi added.

Cheney waved his shotgun around. "I shoot Mexicans in the face!"

"This man has a plan," the woman said, pointing to Cheney. "I like him better but hate you three goobers."

"So what are you politicians going to do about trial lawyers bankrupting everyone?" one man asked.

"You shouldn't be angry at trial lawyers," Reid said. "They sue everyone to make a better America. And, no one is more charitable than them."

"That's true," Bush stated. "They sure give the Democrats a lot of money, and you couldn't find a bigger group of pathetic losers in need of charity than the Democrats."

"I shot a trial lawyer in the face with my shotgun," Cheney said, "and he was a friend of mine. Think of what I'll do to the rest of them!"

"You're the only one here who seems to know what he's doing," the man said to Cheney.

"I hate quails," another person said. "Are any of you going to do something about them?"

"I kill quails with my shotgun," Cheney answered.

Bush hit Cheney in the shoulder. "Dick! You and your shotgun better stop hogging all the popularity."

"People, don't just follow the gun-wielding maniac," Pelosi told the crowd. "We Democrats care about you." The skin on her face stretched back again.

"Why is she baring her teeth like that?" one guy asked. "Is she going to eat us?"

"That's her smiling," Bush said. He then thought for a moment. "For five bucks, you can hit her in the face with a pie."

"I did not agree to any--" Pelosi was shut up when a pie struck her in the face.

* * * *

"The new polls are in!" Bush exclaimed with glee. "The carnival worked! I'm up one point!"

"That could just be a statistically insignificant fluctuation in the polls," Laura Bush said.

"Well, this is for real." Bush held up a wad of cash. "I made this money letting people hit Nancy Pelosi in the face with a pie. Plus, I think I learned something: popularity doesn't matter when you have money and power."

"Well, I'm quite popular," Laura said. "The only people who don't like me are the craziest moonbats. Maybe I can bake them cookies."

"You can't ever get them to like you; they even hate themselves."

A horn honked outside the White House. "Hey! Bush!"

President Bush stuck his head out the window. "What?"

"I'm ambivalent about you!" The man sped off down the street.

"Yes!"

Read More...


Rating: 2.7/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (28) | Best of IMAO 2006 ~ | In My World
In this contest, Freedom loses
Posted by Laurence Simon at 11:45 AM | Email This

A few months ago I opened up a contest to guess the 47 members of the new United Nations Human Rights Council. The winner gets IMAO-embossed M&M's. (And no, SarahK, M&M does not stand for Michelle Malkin!)

Well, the electors have elected...


"My mustache trembles with rage."

And results are in.

Master Shake: 4
Silicon Valley Jim: 8
Josh: 11
Leo: 20
NMU Spidey: 21
Dean Swift: 22
Beno: 23
Mike: 26

The winner of the contest is Mike with 26 out of 47!

However, with Saudia Arabia, China, and Cuba on the panel, everybody loses.

Read More...


Rating: 3.5/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (7)
Vote for the Greater of Two Evils!
Posted by Frank J. at 10:51 AM | Email This

So what are some ideas for the Democrat's slogan for 2006? Here are mine:

* Elect us, and we promise to finally come up with an agenda... and it will be good!

* If you give us power, we'll whine a lot less.

* Assaulting police officers, ramming barricades... who knows what wackiness your congressional Dems will do next!

* You only get to find out our secret plans if we get elected.

* If Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid are in charge, the terrorists will decide that America is too pointless to attack.

* Felons and dead people love us, why don't you?

* You've see us Democrat politicians! We don't have job skills for any real work! Please, we have family and mistresses to feed!

Whatever their slogan is, they better make sure to have a Spanish translation (or, more likely, they'll need an English translation).

Put your own ideas in the comments!

Rating: 2.1/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (48) | Best of IMAO 2006
A Present For the Manly Men Out There - UPDATED 12:45 PM
Posted by Harvey at 10:46 AM | Email This

What should you eat while you're driving your SUV through a crowd of hippies?

Why, the Burger King Texas Double Whopper, of course.

I'm praying that this will lead to a series of commercials that will be replacing those creepy-the-King ads.

[via Lynn of A Sweet, Familiar Dissonance]

UPDATE 12:45PM - Note to offended vegetarian women: the commercial is funny because it exaggerates a stereotype of men. It's just a freakin' commercial, and NOT a personal attack designed by the cannibalistic carnivorous patriarchal hegemony. Please try to relax.

Maybe this short cinematic work featuring the plight of an oppressed agrarian cultivator will soothe your tattered nerves.

Rating: 1.9/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (18)
May 09, 2006
American Idol 5 top 4
The God and the American Idol Producers Hate SarahK Edition
Posted by sarahk at 11:00 PM | Email This

Ryan should keep his hands out of his pants pockets tonight, because the hands in the pocket are making his suit give him boobies. For reals.

Anyway, I suspect tonight will be one of the biggest beatings of my life, ranking right up there with the night Frank beat me silly because I forgot to have his dinner ready when he got home from work and my great bike crash of 2002 that left me scarred, bruised for 6 months, and battered.

For the two of you who don't know, I can't change the station fast enough if I hear Elvis on the radio. Especially slow songs. Gag me with a spork.

Tommy Motolla is helping. I can't show respect for someone who married Mariah Carey.

Read More...


Rating: 3.3/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (18) | SarahK's TV stuff
Reason I Hate Liberals #34,685
Posted by Frank J. at 04:13 PM | Email This

What's with the moonbats who seem to just search for sites to yell at? I mean, trolls add a bit of flavor to the comments, but it just seems so pointless to the troll. Who are these angry people looking for places to type about how wacky angry they are? Why do they come here? I can just see them furrowing their brows on their monkey faces as they try and fail to understand the humor at IMAO, and then they start flinging poo.

Stupid monkey-faced liberals who need punchings.

Rating: 1.9/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (28)
And Let's Hopefully Speak of This No More
Posted by Frank J. at 01:27 PM | Email This

I think this is a very good summation of the whole Colbert kerfuffle (I think it's funny this digby character weighs in - the same one who got his panties in a bunch over a couple of right-wing t-shirts; who died a horrible death and made him lord of humor?).

UPDATE: Since one of my readers was mean to him, here's what Jim Treacher (who is not both a homosexual and a liberal as far as I know) thought about Colbert.

Rating: 2.5/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (12)
Crack Suicide Squad...ATTACK!
Posted by Harvey at 11:18 AM | Email This

AQCSS before.jpg

Looks like the Al-Qaida Crack Suicide Squad is at it again:

BAGHDAD, Iraq – An explosion occurred in a building within the Sheik Abdel Kader mosque compound at approximately 6 p.m. May 7 in Rusafa, a neighborhood of east Baghdad.
[snip]
Initial reports indicate that two terrorists were wounded and another one was killed in the blast.

AQCSS after.jpg

The Coalition of the Willing congratulates the disassembled airborne parts of these psychotic Islamofacsists on successfully chlorinating the Arab gene pool, and wishes them many similar successes in the future.

Meanwhile, the Al-Qaida threat level in Iraq has been downgraded from "nuisance" to "annoyance", despite the Al-Qaida leadership's evaluation of the Iraq contingent as "without any organized military capabilities", which is actually a step up from last year's grade of "inept clods clumsily overcompensating for their inadequate genitalia".

Rating: 3.8/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (10)
You'll laugh. You'll cry. But you'll keep your money.
Posted by Laurence Simon at 11:00 AM | Email This

(Via Screenhead)

Someone posted the classic Star Wars spoof Hardware Wars to Google Video.

How long before the Copyright Gestapo strikes it down and Senator Orrin Hatch blows up their computer?

Read More...


Rating: 1.9/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Sometimes the Fight Is the Point
Posted by Frank J. at 09:59 AM | Email This

I'm never good at fitting in bad news with the humor on this site, but Andrea Clark passed away. At least she died peacefully and with people fighting for her.

If you want more cheerful news, John Hawkins has a list of the liberal "netroots" agenda he got from Atrios. I wonder if one day the moonbats will realize what a silly little bubble they live in.

Rating: 3.6/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (3)
Totally True Tidbits About Australia
Posted by Harvey at 08:58 AM | Email This

As Frank J. briefly mentioned, Australia was actually Britain's first attempt at a penal colony. What he didn't mention was that they stopped using it once they discovered that it was a lot cheaper to ship people off to Ireland and just steal their potatoes until they got so depressed that they emigrated to America and became crooked cops. Frank also forgot to mention these other:

TOTALLY TRUE TIDBITS ABOUT AUSTRALIA



* Australia is sometimes referred to as the "island continent". This is not exactly true, as it is actually connected to Asia by a series of underwater tunnels constructed by Aquaman prior to starting his so-called crime-fighting "career".

* Australia was originally a British penal colony for exiled thieves and murderers. It is not to be confused with France, which was originally a British penal colony for the cowardly and annoying.

* Australia eventually outgrew its shady past and evolved into a modern civilized nation. France has yet to make that particular leap.

* The basic unit of Australian currency is giant cans of beer, which explains why Australian men have gargantuan arm muscles.

* Australia is known for its vast, wooly herds of opals.

* It's also known for its many sheep mining operations.

* The kangaroo is a pouched marsupial native to Australia. Most women own them for storage purposes, since purses are illegal in Australia.

* Rabbits are considered a pest in Australia. Although somewhat cute and fuzzy, they tend to wander the country in packs, destroying everything in sight, and pooping everywhere with no respect for property rights, much like American hippies.

* The central portion of Australia is a dry, barren wasteland containing nothing of interest. Think of it as the real-world equivalent of an "Air America" broadcast day.

* The Prime Minister of Australia is John Howard, and not, as most Americans assume, Steve Irwin. The confusion IS understandable, since Howard keeps a pair of crocodiles chained to the throne of terrorist skulls upon which he sits.

* Contrary to a popular American stereotype, most Australians do NOT wear hats decorated with crocodile teeth or sell Subarus. That was just a phase Paul Hogan went through before he found Goth.

* Dingoes are wild dogs native to Australia, and shouldn't be confused with Ding-Dongs, which have less hair, and more cream filling.

* Koala bears, also native to Australia, may look cute and cuddly, but they are actually very dangerous. If you see one, don't make any sudden moves - just give him your wallet and hope he doesn't hurt you.

* Australians are strong, loyal, trustworthy, and fierce fighters. If for some unimaginable reason you don't own a gun, consider carrying an Australian in your holster instead.

* A platypus is an odd-looking creature that appears to be a cross between a duck and a beaver. They live primarily in water and to confuse biologists.

* Ayers' Rock is an incredibly huge rock that... well... it... um... that is... er... uh... anyway, it's really big, so don't make it angry.

* But the best thing about Australians is that they have a great sense of humor. Even if some stupid American comes along and pokes a little good-natured fun at them they'll just laugh and [WHACK!] OW! MY NOSE!



Completely off-topic, does anyone know how to extract a giant can of beer from your sinus cavity?

Rating: 2.7/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (16) | Totally True Tidbits
Thank God It's a Two-Party System
Posted by Frank J. at 08:52 AM | Email This

Kos had his readers come up with a Republican slogan for the 2006 election. I didn't read any, because I figured they would be asinine, but why don't we give it a shot:

* "Because your only other choice is the Democrats."

* "We admit it; we have a culture of corruption. Help reelect us, and we'll cut you in."

* "No, seriously, are you actually considering to vote for a Democrat?"

* "Who needs a slogan; Dieblold will rig things for us."

* "Come on; we could burn down your house and still be a million times better choice than the Democrats."

* "We've gotten so fat and lazy with our power, we're not even going to bother with a slogan."

* "Whoever came up with the phrase 'lesser of two evils' is a genius."

* "Oh yeah... we do have to motivate you to the polls somehow. How about you elect us, and we'll consider doing something about illegal immigration?"

What's your idea for the 2006 Republican slogan (we'll do the Dems later). Put it in the comments, yo!

Rating: 2.0/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (40) | Best of IMAO 2006
May 08, 2006
24 Day 5 - 3:00 a.m.
Posted by sarahk at 10:43 PM | Email This

Previously on 24, President Estro is crazy insane. Chloe double-tasered an annoying guy in a bar, where she is helping Jack remotely. Bill was taken into custody so it doesn't look like F is helping Bill and Chloe. F's henchman, Miles the Weasel, called Mike Novick to tell him that he doesn't think F is doing a good job. Estro's totally awesome crazy insane wife who's not actually crazy insane downed a bunch of pills with a bunch of wine and called Estro, who basically hung up on his wife, because he's a pinkytoehead. That's not to call him a little blonde, that's... well nevermind. Jack got Robocop's recording and is trying to land the plane. Halliburton told Estro to shoot down the plane that Jack Bauer is on. And they captured Bierko, who's been absent several episodes.

Read More...


Rating: 2.6/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (17) | SarahK's TV stuff
Smart Monkey, Me
Posted by spacemonkey at 06:08 PM | Email This

The liberals might be a bunch of stupid monkey faces, but I, the very conservative spacemonkey, am a smart monkey. Whatever my face might look like.

See?


Rating: 2.9/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (17)
It's a Picture that Moves!
Posted by Frank J. at 04:56 PM | Email This

Jim Baen's Universe (which I hope to get a story in; one of the editors liked a story enough to ask for an RTF so fingers are crossed) now has cover art. Since it's an e-zine, it's actually a Flash animation.

I'd like to be able to do Flash animation, but writing is hard enough. I need people who can do art and animation and I just tell them what I want and they make it. I'm good at telling people what to do.

Hey! You reading this! Jump up and down! Do it now!

Rating: 2.9/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (1)
Crazy Kos No Like Being Called Crazy
Posted by Frank J. at 03:51 PM | Email This

Don't call crazy Kos crazy or he'll get all crazy on you. Liberal Johnathan Chait made that mistake, and now Kos is getting all crazy on him, that wacky crazy Kos.

He's so crazy.

Rating: 2.3/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (12) | Best of IMAO 2006
IMAO Reader Challenge
Posted by Frank J. at 03:15 PM | Email This

My idea for a terrorist detention facility is "Camp Despair." What's your idea for a new prison camp name?

Rating: 2.8/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (60)
IMAO: The Blog Rejected by Bloggers
Posted by Frank J. at 01:05 PM | Email This

Here's an unscientific poll of the favorite blogs of bloggers (so unscientific, I was involved). It's kinda interesting that, despite it's traffic, the Daily Kos ranked lower than a number of other liberal blogs.

Anything else seem interesting?

UPDATE: Yes, I know IMAO isn't on this list, but this is a list of blogs read by bloggers, and we all know how deranged bloggers are. That IMAO isn't favored by other bloggers shows how supercool it is!

Rating: 3.8/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Just in case you thought that the 1994 Nobel Peace Prize wasn't enough of a joke...
Posted by Laurence Simon at 12:29 PM | Email This

I'm sure there will be online petitions shrieking for the charter of the Nobel Peace Prize to be changed to allow it to be retracted after these sweet nothings by 1994's co-winner Shimon Peres:

Vice Premier Shimon Peres said Monday in an interview to Reuters that "the president of Iran should remember that Iran can also be wiped off the map," Army Radio reported.

According to Peres, "Teheran is making a mockery of the international community's efforts to solve the crisis surrounding Iran's nuclear program."

"Iran presents a danger to the entire world, not just to us," Peres added.

Well, as long as we're wiping countries off of the map willy-nilly, here's a few suggestions:

  • Nigerian: I'm tired of all this Spam. Someone told me it's Nigerian Spam. Fine. Wipe Nigerian off of the map, no more Spam.

  • Dollywood: Dolly Parton's a great singer, sure, but the thought of her running a theme park creeps me out. Especially when you consider that she's pushing sixty. After she's dead, will they turn her into a robot, or will they freeze her like Walt Disney? Now I'm even more creeped out.

  • Samoa: The CIA World Factbook lists American Samoa and Samoa. I can't keep them straight. Savaii? Upolu? Pago Pago? Get rid of one. Now.

  • Eurasia: We're at war with them, you know. (Or is it Eastasia? So hard to keep track of.)

  • The Compass Rose: Okay, so it's not technically a country, but anyone with half a brain can find North these days. Just hold the map with all the letters facing right-side up. Or, if it doesn't have words, hold North America on the top and South America on the bottom. See? (And if it's an old-fangly map, get rid of that big nasty 100 mile long sea serpent!)

  • The Grand Duchy of Fenwick: Despite not having a nuclear energy program of their own, they have somehow managed to procure a Doomsday Device. Oh well. Sure, they're not Muslims, but we'd better not take any chances.

  • Oman: That whole "Straits of Hormuz" crap causes so many problems. How the heck are we supposed to get all that oil out through that tiny strip of water? And how the heck are we supposed to get all our aircraft carriers, submarines, destroyers, cruisers, and other naval vessels in through that tiny strip of water when the oil's not coming out? I say blast away that Musandam bit into rubble and bloody hummus.

  • Aztlán: I'm tired of all these protestors saying that they're from Occupied Aztlán, laying claim to Texas and Arizona and Southern California (How about just Berkeley?). If we don't wipe this place off of the map once and for all, we'll end up like the Jews having to deal with these delusional people claiming to be from some imaginary country called "Palestine." (If you think exploding Arabs are bad, just think of all of the exploding Mexicans. Who would we get clean them up?)

  • 93Q Country: They're actually a local radio station here in Houston, but they're got the most obnoxious country music ads. I swear, you hear one of their promo spots, and you have to cough out the NASCAR exhaust. I say wipe them from the map.

What country would you like to see wiped from the map?

Rating: 3.0/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (16)
Gitmo Must Be Shut Down
An Editorial by Frank J.
Posted by Frank J. at 11:53 AM | Email This

 Our detention facility at Guantanamo Bay is a disaster. Located in tropical Cuba, it's nothing but a fun park for terrorists. As Sen. Durbin pointed out a while ago, they even get free rap music and air conditioning. This is not how we should treat our enemies; it gives them hope. A proper detention facility should crush the spirits of the imprisoned, leaving them hollow shells of their former selves. Where can we send them that is so desolate that its very location will cause the prisoners to wail and gnash their teeth? New Jersey? Perhaps, but I have an even better idea: Antarctica.

"A proper detention facility should crush the spirits of the imprisoned leaving them hollow shells of their former selves."

 Orginally, Australia was used by the British as a penal colony, and, as a result, a great vacation spot is overrun with filthy thieves wearing hats adorned with crocodile teeth. If only the British had sailed further south they would have found an even better prison from which there is no escape. Once again, Britain's folly is our gain. All we need to do now is send some military engineers down there to construct the greatest prison of all: Camp Despair.

 The first things terrorists will see when they enter Camp Despair will be a large sign saying, "ALLAH HAS ABANDONED YOU!" Then, they will see a sign pointing straight into the ground labeled, "Mecca." Each prisoner will be given a new Koran and prayer rug with the warning, "That rug will be your only blanket. Also, I'd take good care of that Koran because it will be the only kindling you get to keep you warm. Muh ha ha ha!" And, know what's the best part of a prison in Antarctica? It's too cold for anyone to come and inspect and complain about prisoner treatment! The only ones who might cause trouble are the scientists around there, but any self-respecting Marine should be able to slap them around.

 Now, I know what you may be thinking: Won't the penguins come and cheer up the terrorists? Don't worry; snipers will be positioned around the camp to shoot any penguins that come near, and Morgan Freeman will narrate their ignominious deaths. In addition, the exterior of the camp will be patrolled by angry polar bears. I know they aren't native to Antarctica, but they can be shipped there. And while they're being transferred, people will slap the bears in the face and imply that they're gay to make them extra angry.

 As you can see, there is no downside to creating Camp Despair. So let's stop coddling our captured terrorists. To Antarctica with them!

Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as "If a Bird Can't Fly, It Deserves to Die" and "Prisoner Beating Etiquette".

Rating: 3.3/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (18) | Editorials
Reason I Hate Liberals #79,775
Posted by Frank J. at 10:10 AM | Email This

I keep seeing liberals thinking that if President Bush has an approval of say 34%, that must mean 66% of the American people support their freak-nut viewpoints. I even had some guy arguing that the 9/11 was faked pull out, "Well, only (whatever Bush's poll number was) people think your way," when challenged on his delusions.

Listen up, 'tards: President Bush is not a viewpoint, he is a person. I know your pea-sized brains have trouble understanding concepts such as conservatives for the war could disagree with Bush on many other issues, but it's true. It's not true that everyone who disapproves of Bush (many times for reasons such as immigration or spending) agree with your drool-covered imitation of human thought. Bush's approval rating could go down to 22%, and 90% would still think you should be locked away in an asylum and given shock therapy.

But no, liberals can't understand that simple concept and try to break everything down to support Bush or not support Bush. If you agree with Bush in even one area, then you're a "mindless Bush follower." If you disagree with Bush, then they love you... even if you’re some thug ruling Venezuela.

This makes me so mad, I just want to punch liberals in their dumb monkey faces all the more. Did I mention how I hate how all liberals have dumb monkey faces?

Rating: 2.6/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (42)
Tsst!
Posted by Frank J. at 09:02 AM | Email This

Why did no one tell me that Wednesday's South Park parodied the Dog Whisperer? Actually, it wasn't so much a parody as everything about Cesar Millan was pretty accurate except that he was using the techniques on Cartman instead of dog.

Well, they also overdid his accent a bit, but it's pretty thick as is.

Hmm, I should try that "Tsst!" technique next time some liberal starts spewing crazy...

"Bush is the biggest terrorist in the..."

::Jab him in the neck with two fingers.:: "Tsst!"

"You're trying to oppress my right to..."

::Jab him in the neck with two fingers.:: "Tsst!"

::Liberal moves to the corner and quietly hangs head.::

"See. I have taught the liberal that behavior is not allowed by not using positive or negative energy, but by using dominant energy."

Rating: 3.1/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Everyday Smells Like a Barbecue!
Posted by Frank J. at 08:53 AM | Email This

I had to drive through smog again on my way to work. How long can these brush and muck fires go on? Eventually, all of Florida will burn down and then the fires will run out of fuel, I guess.

Anyway, I already have a Know Thy Enemy: Brush Fires post for those affected, and it probably works for muck fires if you just substitues "much" for "brush."

Rating: 3.4/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (6)
May 07, 2006
loose cannonball run . . .
Posted by Frank J. at 12:31 PM | Email This

kennedyfrivingschool.jpg

Rating: 3.2/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (7)
May 06, 2006
A Blogosphere First: Live Powerfailureblogging
Posted by Laurence Simon at 11:37 PM | Email This

...

Rating: 3.5/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (8)
you make the call!
Posted by Cadet Happy at 10:28 PM | Email This

bltnumakeca.jpg

Rating: 3.0/5 (1 vote cast)

Comments (18)
Culture of Corruption
Posted by Frank J. at 02:01 PM | Email This

I think it's obvious from the actions of Patrick Kennedy and Cynthia McKinney that the Democrats have a culture of corruption. It is thus important that, anytime we mention the Democrats, we work the phrase "culture of corruption" in our commentary. Actually, we should just shout "Culture of corruption!" over and over until we feel so retarded we punch ourselves. I'm not sure what that achieves, but that's politics.

Rating: 3.1/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (15)
May 05, 2006
Reason I Hate Liberals #54,389
Posted by Frank J. at 04:08 PM | Email This

Liberals all have dumb monkey faces I want to punch.

Look at this liberal:

What an ugly monkey face! My fist is curling just looking at it.

And look at this guy:

If that's not a dumb monkey face, then nothing is! I so need to punch something after seeing these dumb monkey-faced liberals!

There, I punched my desk.

So, all liberals have dumb monkey faces and I hate them.

Rating: 2.3/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (31) | Best of IMAO 2006
Dinocats
Posted by sarahk at 02:20 PM | Email This

In the SarahK / Frank J. rainforest known as the Master Bathroom, the keen observer can spot two rare creatures, which only emerge from their Guest Room lair and take residence atop the Cliffs of Insanity in the Master Bathroom when their lone predator, the Pitabullus, seeks its prey. I have captured these creatures in digital form for your viewing pleasure.

Read More...


Rating: 3.4/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (13) | Friday Cat-Blogging
Ask Dr. Duck - HOSTED BY FRANK J.!!!
Posted by Frank J. at 02:14 PM | Email This

RightWingDuck is having trouble logging in, so I'm putting up this post for him. That's means I get all the credit - Me! Frank J.! You love me now!

So here's the stupid post...

**

Dr. Duck has the answers that can make you wiser. Or at least older. 4 minutes older if you're an average reader.

But enough about that. The IMAO readers recently posted questions asking advice from me, Dr. Duck. Given my plethora of knowledge, I thought it would be fair to help out as many people as I could.

**

Read More...


Rating: 2.7/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (7)
Could Everyone Stop Whining About Gas Prices?
Posted by Frank J. at 02:06 PM | Email This

Because it's really starting to annoy me. I mean, first off, I don't care. Second, no one has any actual plan to do anything about it (Congress can control gas prices about as much as they can the weather - unless they take away federal taxation on gas). Thirdly... well, I don't have a third reason. I don't need one. Just shut up about this before I punch you in gonads.

Rating: 2.8/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (17)
IMAO - More Brilliantly Conceived Than You Thought
Posted by Harvey at 12:14 PM | Email This

Remember that post at Digby where he freaked out over the Fun Facts About Liberals T-shirt?

Buried deep in the comments is an intriguing analyis of the IMAO motif:

"the site reads like a really broad left-wing parody of a right-wing humor site. In that respect, it's pretty funny"

I have to admt that *I've* occasionally thought while reading an In My World: "Man, the liberals mush LOVE the way Frank portrays Bush... Hey... I wonder if Frank is really an undercover Bush-hating leftist?"

Fear not, though. Frank is NOT Michael Moore wearing a Karl Rove mask. The truth is FAR more twisted.

You see, IMAO is actually a right-wing satire of a really broad left-wing parody of a right-wing humor site.

Which means that Frank is Donald Rumsfeld dressed as Michael Moore wearing a Karl Rove mask.

All pretending to be a nerdy engineer from Florida married to a hot babe from Texas.

Truly Machiavellian.

Rating: 2.5/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Gun vs. Tire Iron
Posted by Laurence Simon at 12:00 PM | Email This

Gun wins:

An undercover police sting turned into an officer-involved shooting in the Houston Police Department's impound lot, officials told KPRC Local 2.

HPD's auto theft division set up undercover surveillance at the lot located on Dart at Houston Avenue near downtown Houston because there have been a lot of car burglaries recently.

At about 12:30 a.m. Thursday, the thief tried to strike again, police said. He was found hiding in a trailer on the lot, according to authorities.

"Another uniformed officer approached that trailer, opened it and the individual who was inside aggressively rushed at the officer with a tire iron in his hand," said Sgt. David Crain with the Houston Police Department.

The officer, a 28-year veteran of the force, shot the suspect several times, fearing for his life, police said.

Keep an eye on IMAO for futher "Gun vs." updates.

Rating: 2.0/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (13)
Unfair, Unbalanced, and Unmedicated: Vote Rigging
Posted by Frank J. at 11:07 AM | Email This

In this new segment, Frank J. will try to out crazy Kos using rhetoric and ideas that will only harm Republicans and conservative causes. This first installment is just a warm up.

The Republicans are about to lose the House, and it's only smart people like us who can make sure that conservative values succeed. We have a problem in America, and it's time we only support candidates willing to face it. That problem is...

Read More...


Rating: 2.5/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Cinco De Meow Meow Catblogging
Posted by Laurence Simon at 10:24 AM | Email This

Since it's Friday, I thought I'd spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka "I-MEOW").

But instead of the usual Friday Catblogging, I realize that it's also Cinco De Mayo. So... it's time for Cinco De Meow Meow Blogging

Sure, some of the IMAO bloggers have cats, but apparently I'm the only one of them brilliant enough to combine cats and blogging without chopped onions, peppers, salt, pepper, and in an oven set at 350 degrees for thirty minutes.

Anyway, it's time for Frisky the Tipsy:

If you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Frisky is... um...

Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.

(For more animal goodness, try Friday Ark today and Carnival of the Cats Sunday, so send your catblogging links to submissions @ carnivalofthecats.com.)

Rating: 2.0/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (20) | Friday Cat-Blogging
Crazy Like a Kos
Posted by Frank J. at 09:13 AM | Email This

First Kos vows to strike down any Democrat who didn't find Stephen Colbert funny, and now he refers to a Democrat who is challenging Joe Lieberman in the primaries and trailing 31 to 51 in the polls as "in striking distance."

THIS GUY IS FREAKING NUTS!!!

I guess the Dems must be happy that Kos is applying his perfect zero batting record to trying to bring down Democrats, but when is someone going to get Kos needed medical help?

And how does Kos get so many hits a day for his site? Is it his third-grade political analysis or that his site is like MySpaces for the moonbats whose mental healthcare facilities allow internet access?

I think a good goal for IMAO is to surpass Kos in traffic. I know that, if I apply myself, I can be even crazier than he is. It will take some work, but I am not adverse to hard work... despite what my parents might say. So prepare yourself for a new Frank J. even crazier than before!

After a few more cups of coffee...

Rating: 2.8/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (8)
May 04, 2006
Thousands Riot Over Che Cartoons
Posted by Harvey at 09:05 PM | Email This


[pic via American Digest]

Reacting to a cartoon portraying Ernesto "Che" Guevera which was published on an American web site recently, thousands of angry Mexican took to the streets in violent protest.


Angry Mexicans - who apparently don't work for a living - flooded the streets in protest Monday

"Muslims have forced Americans not to show cartoons of Allah's prophet Mohammed," said one protester whose name was probably Pedro, "As socialist thugs, we worship Fidel Castro - the oldest Communist dictator who has not been killed and eaten by the Americans. Che is like Castro's prophet, in the sense that he murdered people in Castro's name. Therefore we forbid displaying images of him, and cruelly punish those who do."

According to the Communist religion, the punishment for depicting Che is impalement, and several instances were caught on film:


Lucky it was only a glancing blow, this supporter of free speech had a wooden pole shoved into his right forearm.
[via Michelle Malkin]

che mouse sign.jpg
This girl was not so lucky - a stake in the head.
[via WorldNetDaily]

horse che.jpg
Not even bronze statues were immune to Mexican vengeance.
[via WorldNetDaily]

Fortunately, not everyone was intimidated, as a few brave counter-protesters were on the scene


American of Mexican descent, whose name was probably Jose, proudly exercises his freedom of speech while giving the "victory" sign to let the Mexifascists know that he won't be intimidated.

Lesson learned:

Be like Jose
Display your Che

Or the Mexiterrorists win.

More blasphemous Che depictions in the extended entry...

Read More...


Rating: 1.9/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (7) | Newsish Fakery
In an UPROAR!! Why wasn't the blogosphere told sooner!!!???
Posted by RightWingDuck at 07:20 PM | Email This

kennedy1.JPG


Ladies and gentleman, as a professional blogger I have to say this is quite upsetting.

We are just now being, just NOW being informed that Representative Patrick Kennedy was involved in a car crash early in the Thursday AM.

Why WEREN'T WE TOLD SOONER?

Were they planning to keep it a secret?

Do the traffic laws not apply to the Kennedy clan? Can they not drive? is this a "Buick thing?"

I am beside myself. I demand a full investigation into what can only be a cover up. Here we have a member of congress who goes out there and crashes into another car in the middle of the early am, thus denying that car owner the ability to get to work and feed a family which I'm sure is has already suffered enough based on the poorly performing economy and the whie, cruel hand of Republican rule. For all we know, this car owner is probably wondering where his or her next meal is going to come from. And who did this? A Democrat of course.

I say let's demand a full senate investigation (led by Ted Kennedy) into what really happened that night!

Here are the "facts" as we know them.

Patrick says he consumed no alcohol. We know how 'those Democrats' are at that hour of the morning. Probably driving with a bottle of booze in one hand with his other hand on a whore's knee.

INVESTIGATION!!

The police were called in right away.A likely story. Involving the authorities right away! Next thing you'll hear is that insurance carriers were notified. I'm not buying it!

INVESTIGATION!!

He held a press conference. Sure AFTER the news started to leak out. Right now as we speak, the Vast Left Wing Conspiracy and the Lefty Religious zealots are hoping this goes away! They're trying to keep us from focusing on the war on poverty and it's horrible failure!

A history of bad behaviour. Since this congressperson has a history of depression, alcohol and drug abuse, I guess we can safely assume, without even needing any facts, that he was Higher Than a Gallon of Gasoline! Not to mention that fact that he's a Kennedy. Police should check the trunk for any dead secretarial help!

In fact, it might be reasonable to ask for resignations!

Oooohhh. I"m mad!

What are your thoughts on the matter?

Rating: 3.0/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (15)
Humiliate Them Even More than Videos of Their Weapon Acumen
Posted by Frank J. at 04:11 PM | Email This

I got this great idea to totally humilate Islamic terrorists. First, we act like we now like a terrorist mastermind and we're his friend. Then, we invite him to the big America Homecoming Dance. We rig the vote so that he gets voted Homecoming King, and, just as he is getting his crown, we drop a bucket of pigs blood on him!

Ha! That will be hilarious!

Rating: 3.9/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Carnival Of Comedy #53 is Up
Posted by spacemonkey at 03:39 PM | Email This

CoC_Hah.jpg

In his duties of hosting the 53rd carnival of comedy, Abbagav has caught teh funny bug. Careful, it's spreading!

Rating: 2.7/5 (9 votes cast)

| Why Me Laugh?
Bill Gates: Wahh! I'm Too Rich!
Posted by spacemonkey at 03:15 PM | Email This


Bill Gates wishes he wasn't richest in world - May. 4, 2006

Microsoft Corp. Chairman Bill Gates said Wednesday he wished he were not the world's richest man.

"I wish I wasn't. There is nothing good that comes out of that," said Gates,

He went on to say that crushing the hopes and dreams of so many pathetic losers on the way to the top would have been payment enough. He also admitted that being able to afford to quietly have his detractor's "deleted", a term he would not elaborate on, was nice too.

Rating: 3.0/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (11) | Newsish Fakery
IMAO Is the New Black
Posted by Frank J. at 02:49 PM | Email This

Thanks to help from cadet happy, you can now get a black IMAO logo t-shirt from our CafePress store.

Keep checking the store, as I plan to add more designs soon. How does everyone like those cool quotes shirts?

Rating: 2.3/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (11)
The Terrorist Blooper Reel
Posted by Frank J. at 02:21 PM | Email This

CENTCOM has released video of al-Zarqawi operating a machine gun with the proficency of a pro-gun control Bostonian. If the war on terror were an actual shooting war, these jokers wouldn't last five minutes against us.

Rating: 2.5/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Bite-Sized Wisdom: Somewhat Asinine Edition
Posted by Frank J. at 01:05 PM | Email This

* Thanks for the suggestions, but they were asinine. I guess that's why I write the humor and you guys read it.

* So, Moussaoui gets life in prison. I've always been somewhat ambivalent on the death penalty, but I think that, if you are going to give someone death, don't do it some wussy way like by lethal injection. That doesn't scare anyone. Instead, sentence people to be beaten to death by a hammer.

JUDGE: I sentence you to be beaten with a hammer until dead.

BALIFF: Coo'. I'm off to the hardware store.

* Of course, other countries will be like, "America is so brutal that they beat people to death with hammers." Other countries always miss the point; they're so stupid. One day, we have to get rid of other countries.

* So Geena Davis's "Paving the Way for a Hillary Presidency" show was canceled proving that Americans just aren't ready to watch boring tripe... well, at least boring tripe starring Geena Davis.

* They should do a show about me as President. "Is America ready to have an in your face blogger as President?" Yeah, I'm too young to be President, but it's TV - you don't have to be realistic. I mean, they have this one show about a liberal President who is tough and principled; you might as well give him a dragon as a VP.

* Speaking of dragons, my short story "No Good Deed" is in the approval process for the Jim Baen's Universe SF magazine. If it gets published, then I'll have actual writing credentials. Right now, if I go to some publisher and say, "Well, I write daily for a popular blog," they just punch me in the face.

* I'm also working on my next short story. I was reading 1984 the other day and said to myself, "This could make a great comedy."

* But enough about me; let's talk about Cheney. Apparently he was giving the leaders of Russia a verbal smackdown. While Ronald Reagan scared Russia away from being Communist, I guess this whole "not being evil" thing is just a bit too much. What they really need are baby steps. Instead of killing dissenters, they just rough them up a bit. Maybe later, they can lay off them entirely... but take your time.

* I miss Reagan. In my TV series, I should have Robo-Reagan as my Chief of Staff.

* So are we going to do anything about Iran? I'm pretty sure (as usual) the U.N. will do nothing. I'm not convinced that Iran is crazy enough to do anything with nukes (dogs that bark that loud are just frustrated, not necessarily violent), but they probably shouldn't have them. We should take their nukes and give them to Canada, because I don't think Canada has any.

"Good work on the space robot arm; here's some nukes."

That should help Canada's self-esteem, and I think it’s our job to foster that.

* Another neighbor who needs more self-esteem is Mexico. They were even thinking of turning to drugs. There's not too much nice to say about Mexico, but maybe America could run ads in Mexico bad-mouthing ourselves so people will stay.

"America: Liberals say our leader is just like Hitler!"

"America: The salsa here is not so great."

"America: Watch yourself, or we'll beat you to death with a hammer."

* Well, that's all I have to say for now except that, if you're near Tonga, look for cover.

Rating: 2.8/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (14) | Bite-Sized Wisdom
You Choose the Humor
Posted by Frank J. at 10:16 AM | Email This

I just can't find an issue I care that much to write a whole post about today. So, I'll let you, the readers, decide what you want made fun of. Just put what you want ridiculed most in the comments, and I'll go with whatever is the plurality.

Rating: 3.4/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (25)
When Blogs Are Used for Good Instead of Evil
Posted by Frank J. at 09:03 AM | Email This

It looks like Andrea Clark will live, and a lot of thanks goes to John Hawkins... the one who isn't the murdered rapper.

I've never saved lives with my blog, but I have made people laugh once or twice. Does that count for anything?

Rating: 2.8/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Question
Posted by Frank J. at 08:52 AM | Email This

So, is the left's crazed insistence that Stephen Colbert was funny at the White House Correspondence Dinner the new Dan Rather memos - which the left were crazed to insist were real despite all the evidence?

Next Question: How can the left possibly get even more asinine after this?

Rating: 3.0/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (18)
May 03, 2006
In Case Anyone Was Wondering
Posted by Harvey at 09:59 PM | Email This

Contrary to rumors you may have read in the MSM, the 101st Fighting Keyboardists have no plans to institute any sort of draft, as voluntary enlistment quotas are currently being met and/or exceeded.

Rating: 2.5/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Dan Rather's Blog
Posted by Harvey at 09:17 PM | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Recently rumors have surfaced that Dan Rather is contemplating quitting CBS and taking up blogging.

Now there's no mystery regarding WHAT he'd blog about - his cat, his colon, how much it sucks to be living in his daughter's basement - after all, he's lost without his teleprompter.

The only question is what he would call his blog. I speculate thusly on the possibilities:



* Rather Ironic, Isn't It?

* Speaking Half-Truths to Power

* Drink the TANG

* CBS Evening KOS

* I Am NOT Making This Up!

* Here's the Frequency, Now Stop Calling Me Kenneth!

* Delusions By Dan

* Democratic Underwear

* Funny Like Colbert, Except Not On TV

* I'm STILL Not Wearing Pants When I Sit Behind My Desk

* Now With Superscripts!

* Take A Memo

* Rather's Blathers

* Please Stop Fact-Checking My Ass

* The Ratherington Post

* How Much Is That Selectric In the Window?

* 43 Years At CBS and Not Even a Freakin' Gold Watch to Show For It - Cheap, Back-Stabbing Bastards!

* Oh Yeah? Well I Wouldn't Come Back Now If You Got Down On Your Hands and Knees and BEGGED Me!... Although I Suppose It Wouldn't Hurt To Try...

* D!scount V1agra! - The GoogleBait Blog

* Vast Mainstream Wing Conspiracy

* Courage - The Blog

* Authenticated Signatures, Journalistic Integrity and Other Oxymorons

* It's NOT Bush's Fault (Just Kidding)

* Crouching Liar, Hidden Agenda



He might also call it IMAOpodcast.com, since heaven knows THAT one's not being used.

Any other possibilities?

Rating: 2.5/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (12) | Precision Guided Humor Assignments
The Diet-Pepsi of Evil Gets Life
Posted by Frank J. at 05:14 PM | Email This

No needle for Moussaoui. His statement upon leaving the courtroom: "America, you lost. I won."

I'm still of the opinion the guy is just too pathetic to kill. If he were really evil, he wouldn't have to try so hard to sound evil. Well, I guess he'll have plenty of time now to work on his evilness, but, considering how Charlie Manson seems less and less threatening as time goes by, this was probably Moussaoui's highpoint. In a number of years, at best he'll be a somewhat difficult Trivial Pursuit question.

Ba-bye.

Rating: 2.9/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (18)
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 04:53 PM | Email This

Some liberals now claim that "chickenhawk" is a term for a certain kind of sexual predator. Is this true?

Read More...


Rating: 2.6/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (9) | Fun Trivia
IMAO's Equal Opportunity Policy
Posted by Harvey at 03:51 PM | Email This

Although IMAO's hostility toward liberals has been getting a lot of attention lately, I would like to remind our readers that it's the official policy of IMAO to make offensive, derogatory, belitting jokes about EVERYONE, regardless of political alignment, religious belief, skin color, gender, sexual preference, national origin, or any other Self-Chosen Affiliation Marker that typically grants protected-victim status.

So, if you would like to file a grievance because your SCAM has not been sufficiently mocked or derided by IMAO, please leave a comment telling us what your SCAM is, and one of our culturally-insensitive customer slurvice representatives will hurl a thoughtless epithet in your direction.

If your comment is ignored, please keep trying, as your petulant indignation is important to us.

Thank you for reading.

"IMAO: A Multicultural Rainbow of Diverseful Offensivity Since 2002"

Rating: 2.4/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (35)
Looks like I picked the wrong week to snap photos of Houston's Danger Train
Posted by Laurence Simon at 03:39 PM | Email This

Just in time for May Sweeps, ABC's Blotter Blog is warning that we're all going to die!

Oh. Wait. Never mind. Just those of us on trains and in train stations.

ABC News has learned that the Department of Homeland Security has alerted U.S. mass transit officials to "suspicious videotaping" of European rail systems that point to a continuing terrorist interest in targeting mass transit and "possible surveillance or pre-operational planning."

Here in Houston, we're fully prepared for this. Terrorists will take one look at our Light Rail line, laugh themselves silly, and then head back to their offices in the Saudi Aramco building.

Rating: 2.3/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (3)
Just Short of Official Recognition
Posted by Frank J. at 03:24 PM | Email This

Sorry, I should have mentioned this before the puppy blender, but, anyway, the 101st Fighting Keyboardists have gotten the endorsement of CENTCOM thanks to Sneakeasy's Joint.

I'm hoping to get us all assigned M-16s, but that might still take some time.

Rating: 1.9/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (4)
Ask Dr. Duck!!
Posted by RightWingDuck at 02:47 PM | Email This

Hello,

This is Dr. Duck. Here to help, love, nourish, and (hopefully) mock.

Anway, it's that time of the week when you, dear IMAO readers, can ask me - Dr. R.W. Duck all of the questions that you need answered.

Family problems? Drinking problems? Family drinking problems? Promblems family drinking? Problems reading words in their correct order? I can help, or at least post an answer that might potentially help*

So go ahead and post that question. Love. Marriage. Career. Politics.

* Disclaimer. Odds of getting actual help one in 300,000 million. Please play responsibly. Dr. Duck does the work Americans refuse to do, thusly he should not be deported. Dr. Duck answers are copyrighted in the sense that no one in their right mind would dare to write what I write for fear of being institutionalized. Dr. Duck is a "doctor without borders ' in the sense that I live in Tijuana and come here whenever I feel like it. Fragile, handle with care. Please tear along the perforated line. Some contents may have settled during shipping.

Rating: 2.9/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (23)
In My World: Colbert, Iran, and Something that Rhymes with "Jew"
Posted by Frank J. at 01:45 PM | Email This

President Bush read the jokes off the teleprompter and enjoyed the laughter from the audience at the White House Correspondence Dinner, but the strange echo he kept hearing was starting to disturb him. The echo wasn't even correctly repeating what he was saying. Bush then turned to see another man was there who looked and sounded just like him.

"Aieeee! A pod person!" Bush shouted as he pulled out a shotgun.

Laura ran over and grabbed Bush. "That's Steve Bridges and he's part of the act." Laura looked to the audience. "That's my wacky husband!"

Everyone laughed, and Laura led Bush back to his seat while Stephen Colbert walked to the podium.

"This guy is funny!" Bush told Laura, "I saw him on TV, and I laughed really hard at all the jokes I understood."

Stephen Colbert cleared his throat and started his routine. "President Bush is an evil man. He supports torture. No one likes him. He has broken many laws." Colbert was quiet for a few seconds. "That was the punch line."

Someone coughed.

"This isn't funny!" Bush whispered to Laura. "Something is wrong with him! Maybe he'll be funnier if I throw a shoe at him."

"He has gotten us into a war where many have died," Colbert continued. "He is not smart, and--" A shoe hit Colbert in the head. "Ow!"

"Ha! That was funny!" Bush shouted. He then thought for a moment. "Can someone hand me back my shoe?"

* * * *

Bush poured himself a cup of coffee. "That stupid dinner had me up past my bedtime. Why can't I delay running the country until later?" He then saw Tony Snow in the hallway. "Wow! I know you from FOX News! What are you doing here?"

"Um... you hired me as your new press secretary, remember?"

"Yeah, we needed to replace tubby. No why we needed to replace him?"

"Because he was..." Tony shrugged his shoulders. "...tubby?"

"That's right! You're a quick one, Snowman."

Tony took out a newspaper. "Anyway, I thought you might want to see this. In reaction to Stephen Colbert's performance, a number of left-wing nuts have erected shrines in his honor and formed religions around him."

Bush furrowed his brow. "They thought he was funny?"

"They don't go as far to say that, but they think he was daring to speak the truth or some crap."

"But he wasn't funny!" Bush exclaimed. "Don't these moonbats understand funny?"

"Studies show they are quite humorless."

"The only funny part was when I hit him with my shoe," Bush said. He then laughed. "Man, that was funny. He was all like, 'Ow! Where did that shoe come from?' Did you see that, Snowman?"

Tony chuckled. "Yes, that was funny. It was also funny when he picked up your shoe and ran off and then you started cursing at him."

Bush looked down to see one of his feet was shoeless. "He still has my shoe! That unfunny shoe-stealer!" Bush grabbed a shotgun that was leaning against a table. "I'm getting my shoe back!"

"You sure keep a lot of shotguns around."

"That's because I'm a smart president! Now, come on; time to get your hands dirty, Snowman!" Bush began to awkwardly march off, but Condoleezza Rice stopped him.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm going to go get my shoe back from that unfunny Stephen Colbert!" Bush shouted. "We'll see who is funny when I murder him dead!"

"But Iran has threatened that, if anyone attacks Stephen Colbert, they will retaliate against Israel!" Condi exclaimed.

"So?" Bush answered. "It's not like I have a summer home there."

"Yes, but if Israel is attacked, they vow to retaliate against Saudi Arabia. And, if Saudi Arabia is attacked, the vow to retaliate against..." Condi took out a long sheet of paper. "Well, to cut to the chase, eventually someone will retaliate against Namibia, who vows to attack us."

"Oh no! We'll all die!" Bush exclaimed. "I can't believe that Iran is directly indirectly threatening us like that, but I can't just walk around with one shoe! The international community will never respect me!"

"We could just go buy some new shoes," Tony suggested.

"Maybe you come from a world where you can just go to some magical store and get shoes," Bush said, "but, here in the world of politics, if a comedian steals your shoe, you have to get it back using a shotgun or you shall remain shoeless forever!"

"Haven't you ever wondered why, to this day, Jimmy Carter walks around shoeless?" Condi asked Tony.

"I guess there's a lot to politics I still have to learn."

"There's a lot about everything I have to learn," Bush said. He looked to Condi. "Put out the announcement that, if America is attacked, we will retaliate against Iran!"

* * * *

The crazy Iranian president ran to the crazy Iranian mullahs. "America threatens to destroy us if attacked!"

The crazy Iranian mullahs looked over a long sheet of paper. "That means if we attack Israel in retaliation for an attack on Stephen Colbert, we will surely die... eventually. Tell Colbert we will no longer defend him."

The crazy Iranian president picked up the phone and dialed Stephen Colbert. "We will no longer retaliate against Israel if you are attacked."

"You will no longer what? …And who is this?"

* * * *

Bush stood outside the Comedy Central studios and chambered a round into his shotgun. "It's time to get my shoe back, Snowman!"

A number of hooded figures approached Bush and Tony. "We are of the Church of Colbert, the one who brings truth to power, and we will die in defense of him."

"Okay." Bush fired his shotgun and killed all the liberals.

"Do you feel any remorse for that?" Tony asked.

Bush chambered another round. "It should be pretty obvious at this point in my presidency that I don't feel any remorse for anything."

* * * *

The doorbell rang at the White House. Laura put down her duster to answer it.

"Hi," said a man standing at the doorstep holding a box. "We had a number of items left in Lost & Found after the White House Correspondence Dinner. One's a shoe that we think might belong to President Bush."

Laura picked up the shoe. "Yes, he was looking for this."

"We also have four shotguns."

Laura rolled her eyes. "Yeah, he really needs those."

Rating: 2.3/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (14) | Best of IMAO 2006 ~ | In My World
American Idol 5 top 5
Posted by sarahk at 12:55 PM | Email This

So I'm just now watching this, because we had a dinner to go to last night. Hey look, there's Anthony Federov in the audience. I liked him for a while.

Paula looks pretty. I wonder if she's drunk. Y'all were all wondering the same thing when you watched it. UPDATE: Apparently they took away her happy pills. She seems normal.

Read More...


Rating: 2.3/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (9) | SarahK's TV stuff
Question
Posted by Frank J. at 12:32 PM | Email This

Why do we say "litmus test" for a pass/fail test against politicians when, at least from my experience, litmus paper is used to measure degrees of acidity, not just a true/false result about whether something is acidic?

Rating: 1.6/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (16)
Why?
Posted by Frank J. at 10:20 AM | Email This

John Hawkins was murdered!

Rating: 3.0/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (11)
Can Any Blog Even Compete with Daily Kos at Helping Republicans?
Posted by Frank J. at 10:06 AM | Email This

Kos has the new litmus test for whether Dems get the Kwazy Kos Kid vote: Whether or not a politician found Stephen Colbert's performance at the White House Correspondence Dinner funny.

I think it's really only a matter of time before the Kos and his denizens start viciously murdering Democrats for imagined crimes against the "progressive base."

I'm serious, Democrats! Switch parties before these people get you!

Rating: 3.4/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Law Class Sounds Hard
Posted by Frank J. at 09:49 AM | Email This

And it appears that Bert and Ernie are just a couple of thugs.

Rating: 3.2/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (16)
Smog Alert!
Posted by Frank J. at 09:07 AM | Email This

Sorry that SarahK doesn't have her American Idol review, but she had to miss AI to go to a company function with me where I got a plaque.

But it's a really nice plaque.

I bet she's watching it off the Tivo right now and not waiting for me. Then again, the spirit really went out of her now that she doesn't have Kellie Pickler to kick around anymore.

BTW, there was some huge fire somewhere around where I lived, and we ended up having smog so thick that, when I took the dog out this morning, I could only see like ten feet in front of me.

But enough about me; how's your day?

UPDATE: SarahK reviews the American Idol top five here.

Rating: 3.4/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (17)
May 02, 2006
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 02:39 PM | Email This

Part of the controversy with the Spanish version of our National Anthem is that parts of it were changed in translation. What was changed?

Read More...


Rating: 2.7/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (12) | Best of IMAO 2006 ~ | Fun Trivia
Carnival Of Comedy Reminder
Posted by spacemonkey at 12:55 PM | Email This

CoC_Hah.jpg

The Carnival of Comedy this Thursday will be at AbbaGav

Get those entries in to here, or here!

Schedule
May 11, #54- Dr Phat Tony
May 18, #55- fmragtops - How do you pronounce that?
May 25, #56- Passionate America
Jun 01, #57- The MoxArgon Group
Jun 08, #58- Jerry Dante [language]
Jun 15, #59- NOBODY!

I added dates to the schedule! No more doing calender math in your head!

Rating: 2.1/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Why Me Laugh?
Oy! Enough with the Blowing People Up Already!
An Editorial by Allah
Posted by Frank J. at 11:56 AM | Email This

 People are always telling me, "Hey, Allah, you should write another book. All the books you've written before were very popular; I'm not sure if anyone actually read the whole megillah, but everyone has to have one." It's not like I'm out to make some gelt, though, and I thought I already wrote everything I need to say. Plus, it's not like I have the time to write; if you could even understand how much I have to do each day, you'd plotz. Still, I thought it would be a real good chochmeh to write a column to go over a few points since so many people seem to have some facacta ideas these days.

"Yeah, I know I'm great, but know who's not so great? You schmucks."

 So, the other day, I'm watching over things, and everything is going well until some deli gets blown up. And I'm all ferklempt. What's happening here? Some poor schlemazel stops in for a nosh and he gets blown up for that? And the Palestinian noodniks are kvelling over this? Oy! So the schmendrick responsible blew himself up too, and he's smiling like it's some real koontz he just did. So I ask, "What's wrong with you?"

 An know what he says? He says he thought I wanted this. Oy Gevalt! So I ask him what meshungina told him I wanted all this tumul. He tells me, "Mohammed."

 Mohammed! Like that's some help. There are so many Mohammeds these days that even I have trouble keeping track. I need this like I need a loch in kopp. So I tell him to draw me picture of this particular Mohammed so I know exactly what schlemiel we're talking about.

 And he say no! Can you believe that chutzpah? The one true God asks him for a little doodle, and he says no. Then I finally realize what Mohammed he's talking about, the one with the real pisk on him. Oy Veyzmir! I warned that groyse macher when he wrote his Koran to be careful, because people are going to take that thing seriously. But did he listen? Now all these people are running around with these cacamaimey ideas that they can get 72 virgins by blowing themselves up on buses. What? Are they so furblungit they think I have the playboy mansion up here? That I'm going to say to them, "Mazel tov on blowing up that preschool. Now here are some shikses for you to fool around with."

 I don't want to kibbutz, but some of these Muslim boychiks seem a bit sexually frustrated. What these nebbishes need to do is change out of those shmatas their wearing, clean the schmootz off their faces, not act like some chazzer, and meet some gezuntah moyyd. They have to get over this killing everybody idea, because that is not going to impress the women if that's what they want.

 Now, these Muslims can be some nice people. They pray five times a day, and I'm always telling people, "Hey, you need to pray more. And, while you’re at it, call your mother. She wants to hear from you too." I don't quite get the facing Mecca part, but you have to face something, I guess. Just remember who you're praying to; Mecca may have its own McDonalds, but it didn't create the universe.

 Anyway, I'd rather some of these Muslim noodniks focus a bit less on the praying and a bit more on the not killing. It's not only bad for those involved, but it's certainly not making me look good. What's this shtick about blowing up some nice people and then shouting, "Allah ackbar!"? Hok me a chinik! Yeah, I know I'm great, but know who's not so great? You schmucks. So enough with the blowing people up already.

Allah is the one true God and also the author of such books as the Torah and numerous science fiction stories for young adults.

Rating: 2.1/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (26) | Best of IMAO 2006 ~ | Editorials
Geography
Posted by Laurence Simon at 10:59 AM | Email This

According to a poll, one third of Americans can't find Louisiana on a map and a half of Americans can't find Mississippi.

Hrm... hold on a second. Frisky, can you find Louisiana on a map?


"It's right here."

So if you're a part of that one-third of Americans who can't find Louisiana on a map, you're dumber than a cat.

As for this news:

While Israeli-Palestinian strife has been in the news for the entire lives of the respondents, 75 percent were unable to locate Israel on a map of the Middle East.

Iran's working hard to make that 100%.

Rating: 3.3/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (25)
May 01, 2006
24 Day 5 - 2:00 a.m.
Posted by sarahk at 10:10 PM | Email This

Previously on 24, President Estrogen admitted that Palmer's killer works for him, Marty flipped out, Estro said pretty please don't ask anymore questions, Robocop told Estro that he's saving the tape for in case the President has him offed, Miles the Weasel found Chloe at Bill Buchanan's house, Mr. F called and tipped off Bill and Chloe that CTU was on the way, Chloe (who has reapplied lipstick) couldn't leave because she's still helping Jackiepooh, Rico Suave returned to save Audrey and captured Robocop, which made SarahK happy (all except the saving Audrey part), and Audrey started to kinda sorta grow on SarahK. But she's on a really short leash! Also Jack tracked the recording to a chartered diplomatic flight and hopped aboard below deck just as the plane started to rev up, and nobody noticed.

Read More...


Rating: 2.4/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (13) | SarahK's TV stuff
I Made Chimichangas Tonight
Posted by sarahk at 08:35 PM | Email This

I did the work Mexicans were unwilling to do today.

Rating: 1.5/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (16)
Three Cheers for the Mexican
Posted by Frank J. at 06:06 PM | Email This

Good job doing all the work today, Ducky. You've earned your $1.75.

The rest of the day is now "Hug a Mexican Day," so get hugging.

Rating: 3.3/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (9)
My Poor Sister
Posted by Frank J. at 04:53 PM | Email This

I'm worried about my poor sister in L.A. with all those protests going on there. At least my Uncle Robert vowed to keep watch over her.

Oh no! My Uncle Robert is Mexican! He probably took the day off!

Rating: 2.2/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Ducky's Lair-Type Jewish Commentary
Posted by RightWingDuck at 03:23 PM | Email This

duckie_jewish.GIF

Here's today's riddle boys and girls. An Islamic Imam whacked a six year old girl on the face. (HT: Little Green Footballs) The reason: For stepping on his precious prayer rug. Why would a representative of the Religion of Peace so something so violent to such a young girl? What excuse you he possible have?

Answer below the fold.

Read More...


Rating: 2.2/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (4)
Chicken Hawk and the 101st Fighting Keyboardists FAQ
Posted by Frank J. at 01:32 PM | Email This


Q. What's a chicken hawk? Is it like some sort of half-hawk, half-chicken?
A. Actually, it's a hawk that eats chicken. And rats.

Q. Cool! What's its wingspan?
A. 28-30 in. (male); 31-34 in. (female)

Q. The female is bigger.
A. Well don't tell her that, or she'll think you're implying she's fat and will peck your eyes out.

Q. So why do supporters of the war get called "chicken hawks" like its an insult?
A. Well, the short answer is some people are morons.

Q. What's the long answer?
A. Back when man first started to learn to use tools, certain spears were made using...

Q. What's the medium-length answer?
A. Many liberals, in their diminished mental capacities, like to have a word or phrase to shout over and over in lieu of the mental preparedness needed for an actual debate of issues. Fighting tyranny is a complicated issue, and, rather than admit they’re on the side of tyranny, many liberals will try to avoid debate altogether in any way possible.

Q. Liberals seem to use the phrase "chicken hawk" against people who aren't in the military? Do liberals want a government where decisions are only made by those in the military?
A. No, they hate the military.

Q. But they say they support the troops!
A. And you can train a parrot to say the same thing. That doesn't mean anything.

Q. So what would happen if someone in the military tried to debate them on the issues?
A. First, the liberal would try to find some way of discounting the military service so that the person is still, in their bloodshot eyes, a "chicken hawk" by their understanding. If unsuccessful, they will then find some other phrase to shout over and over, such as "baby-killer," "you only joined the military because you were too and dumb and too poor for anything else," or "you may have been in Iraq, but you still don't know what you're talking about because you don't read twenty newspapers a day."

Q. Who reads newspapers anymore? They're gay.
A. You know that and I know that, but, as usual, liberals are behind the times.

Read More...


Rating: 2.4/5 (64 votes cast)

Comments (28) | Best of IMAO 2006
Evil Mentiras (Evil Lie) On Mexican Work Day
Posted by RightWingDuck at 01:21 PM | Email This

How Cow! I knew Glenn Reynolds had influence, but never in my life did I imagine that the Puppy Blender controlled the minds of so many innocent, hardworking Undocumented Americans.

Here's a picture of Glenn at a recent rally.

protest4.jpg

Please note that these are innocent people who came here with the sole goal of feeding their families. Now when little Miguel and Carmen go to bed, they have bellies full of Puppy Milkshake!! Is this the full extent of the puppy blender's influence on Mexican-undocumneted American's lives? No way, Jose!

Just look at these amazing true lies about Glenn "the Puppy Blender" Reynolds. ..

* The Mexican American border is completely unsecured, allowing the flow of Mexican workers, drug smugglers, and puppy breeders.

* The entire economy of Mexico is almost enought to buy advertising on Instapundit for one month. Two if Glenn is buying lots of puppies.

* The sombrero was invented when Glenn demanded an entertaining way for his workers to make puppies race around on the top of their heads.

* The former currency of Mexico used to be the Insta-Peso.

* Don't Drink the Water was a campaign started by Glenn. The purpose: To export more puppy smoothies!

* Mexican Folk dancing was very ballet oriented. Until Glenn got bored and made puppies run through the Mexican Hat Stomping Maze of Doom.

That's right. Evil Glenn has tremendous control over these poor illegal-Americans. Now he's using them to march on Los Angeles in a desperate attempt to gain even more power for his Insta-Empire.

What can we do about it?

Nothing. But let's hope he gives us a link.

Rating: 2.5/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (3)
Posted by RightWingDuck at 12:48 PM | Email This

In honor of Make A Mexican Do all the work today, we have a special guest commentator: El Guapo.

**

Hello friends. I am grateful for the plethora of opportunity that you, the wonderful fans, give me at IMAO. In recent news, "fans gathered outside a hospital Sunday where Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards was reportedly being treated for a mild concussion he suffered after falling out of a palm treewhile vacationing in Fiji."

This leads me to ask...

elguapo.jpg

Rating: 3.5/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (10)
In My Mundo
Posted by RightWingDuck at 11:36 AM | Email This

Presidente Fox looked at his TV screen. The news had just shown a segment on the millions of Mexican workers in California.

“In very little time, we can claim the entire California economy as our own. That means we will be the sixth largest economy in the world. Muy Bueno!”

Vicente’s assistant, Manuel, didn’t quite understand. “What does Moy Bono mean?”

“Doesn’t anybody around here speak Spanish?”

“I think some of the tourists. Anyway, you can’t claim the entire California economy, you have to average it mathematically with our own.”

“That is correct. So After factoring in California, where would we be?”

“Averaging in the California economy, we’d be 198th. Slightly behind Nigeria!”

“How can we catch up to those people? They’ve got those stupid You Can Feed This Boy For Just 20 Cents a Day Commercials running day and night?”

“Maybe we could ask for charity?”

Vicente picked up an old , stale hamburger and chucked it at Manuel. Mexico, in an attempt to become more hip, had tried to make it’s own hamburger recipe. The end result being maximum diarrhea and food poisoning. Millions of hamburgers were discarded to an undisclosed location .

“Manuel, Mexico does not ask for charity. Now get me President Bush on the phone, I need to demand more rights for our workers in America. I just complaint from a citizen saying he had to wait two weeks for his free hernia operation”

“I can’t. Our operators are all on strike in sympathy for the Mexican workers in America. Remember, today is the day when everyone is calling out sick in America.”

“Is there nobody here who can operate a simple switchboard?” Vicente asked.

“Well, we have Pepe the Mule. Pepe was a good phone operator until he started getting bored and he started making crank calls to foreign countries. Should I have him patch you through?”

“Immediatamente!!”

Manuel looked puzzled. “Huh?”

“Yes, estupido. YES. That means immediately! Curse that stupid Ingles Sin Barreras course. Now nobody in Mexico speaks English. Pretty soon we’ll have to take all of our government documents and translate them into foreign languages. Be this the end of our culture? I yearn to be among those who speak Spanish. I need a trip to Los Angeles.”

**

The phone rang in the oval office. “Mr President, this is going to sound strange, but I have a jackass on line 4 for you.”

President Bush laughed. “You tell Al Gore that I won this last election fair and square. Send him another box of chocolates. I love watching him get fat.”

“No, Mr. President. I mean, Pepe the Mule is calling from Mexico.”

President Bush picked up the phone. “Hi Pepe. I don’t know anything about Prince Albert in a can. And I certainly don’t know anything about us sending him to a foreign country to help us with our torture. What? Oh, yeah. Let me talk to Vinnie.”

“Mr. Bush, I demand that you allow more illegal Mexican immigrants into your country, and that you educated them, give them jobs, and free healthcare!!”

“But my base of loyal Republicans supporters will be upset with me!”

“Pretty, please?”

“You know I could never say no to you, Pepe!”

“It’s Vicente. Not Pepe.”

“Whatever.”

**

President Bush’s latest creation, the Tony Snow-maton stepped up the microphone to address the press corps. “We’ve called this press conference to address the serious concerns this nation has about securing our nation and keeping it safe. Any questions? How about you, Crypt Keeper?”

Helen Thomas answered, “I told you to stop calling me that! Anyway, what are you going to do about this horrible torture that is being inflicted on Arabs?”

“Torture?”

“Yes,” Helen continued. “I just stepped off of Air Force One and all they play on that is Fox News. I couldn’t stand their coverage of world events. For a minute there, I almost started rooting for America.”

“Helen, I understand all you’ve been through. As a special treat for what you folks have endured, we’ve prepared a special lunch. Mexican Hamburgers.”

**

President Bush turned on this TV. "I've done another great day of work. My poll numbers are sure to improve by now. What's this? One of those Feed the Kiddies commercial."

Announcer: This is Manuel. Manuel has nothing in this world but his little donkey Pepe. Please, won't you help us feed Pepe? And Manuel, too? For just 26 cents a day, you too can make a difference in the lives...."

Rating: 3.1/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Who needs immigrants when we have cats!
Posted by Laurence Simon at 09:22 AM | Email This

Okay, so today's supposed to be some kind of "Day Without Immigrants" thing where illegals and their supporters will not go to work, skip school, and rally in various cities across the country.

Fine. We don't need you. Because we citizens have a secret weapon up out sleeves: cats.

We will replace you with cats.

Read More...


Rating: 2.7/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (19)
Today Is Make the Mexican Do All the Work Day
Posted by Frank J. at 08:48 AM | Email This

By a unanimous decision of me, today is Make the Mexican Do All the Work Day. Thus, RightWingDuck will have to write an In My World™, compose a filthy lie about Glenn Reynolds, snark a TV show, do a funny photoshop, write some self-deprectating Jewish humor, and do whatever is that spacemonkey does plus his HTML hacking (expect the site to be down for periods at a time unrealted to Saudis).

Wish Ducky luck, and he just might earn his $1.75 an hour.

Rating: 2.9/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (8) | Best of IMAO 2006
It's My Service Revolver
Posted by sarahk at 08:42 AM | Email This

Being a housewife, I watch soap operas. Actually, just one soap -- General Hospital.

So the other day I was watching the show. Lucky Spencer is a cop, and he's in the hospital (Frank always asks if anything actually happens at a hospital, and the answer is yes). Lucky hurt his back shortly after his partner was killed in a shootout. So now Lucky's self-medicating to the point that they took away his morphine drip and he only gets his super happy pills. And he thinks he saw his wife in a cozy conversation with this cad doctor (Rick Springfield's son) who hits on all the women, married or no. Lucky didn't actually see Elizabeth in a cozy conversation, but he's wacked out, so there's no telling him that.

Ok, so Lucky's brother Nicholas walked into Lucky's hospital room and saw Lucky loading rounds into the magazine of his semi-automatic pistol. The pistol was sitting on the bed.

NICHOLAS: Lucky, what are you doing? Where did you get that gun?
LUCKY: It's my service revolver.

I laughed a long while.

Rating: 3.5/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (3)
Despite Terrorists Threats, IMAO Will Still Try an Be Funny
Posted by Frank J. at 08:30 AM | Email This

As we all know, IMAO was brought down by either Saudian Arabian terrorists or Manbearpig, who is half man, half bear, half pig. Apparently, attacks were aimed at Aaron's Rantblog which is still having trouble staying up. When it is up, make sure to send him hatemail for angering the Saudian Arabians, some of the world's most peaceful people.

Despite these setback, IMAO will continue to move forward, making jokes about punching liberals in the face to conceal our hidden desires to kick liberals in the knee.

Remember: Only you - and the United States Military - can prevent terrorism.

Rating: 3.5/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (5)