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April 30, 2006
Explain This to Me
Posted by Frank J. at 10:13 PM | Email This

I make a few funny jokes, and I get called "hostile," but Stephen Colbert bombs at the White House Correspondents Dinner and he gets to be the left-wing Jesus (and just check DU for any mention of him).

Rating: 2.1/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (7)
The First Anniversary Carnival Of Comedy
Posted by spacemonkey at 09:39 PM | Email This




the1stanniv.jpg


Welcome to the April 27, 2006 edition, the 52nd edition, and also the 1st Anniversary Edition ( We skipped a week back when the london 'tube' bombings took place) of the Carnival of Comedy. This is one big edition.As you may or may not know, I am an artist or perhaps I am a nartist. Either way, I draw stuff. I drew stuff for the carnival, in fact I drew all the stuff you see on this here carnival. The 52nd and First anniversary Carnival. Of Comedy.

Sorry it's late but it wouldn't be a spacemonkey carnival of comedy if it were on time. Would it?

Read More...


Rating: 3.0/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (4) | Why Me Laugh?
April 29, 2006
slow and steady wins the race . . .
Posted by Frank J. at 08:48 PM | Email This

slowandsteady.jpg

Rating: 2.7/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Yay, Moonbunny!
Posted by RightWingDuck at 08:29 PM | Email This

Not too long ago, I received an email from Shimauma, one of our frequent commenters. Her daughter, Moonbunny, is a world famous artist. At least she will be one day.

She sent us this comic asking for feedback on her artistic and comic creating abilities. It was simple, juvenile French bashing. SO WE LOVED IT!

I personally encouraged her to continue wih her art. Sigh. They grow up so quickly.

Please check out the work of this aspiring young (12 years old) artist and her creation: Zombie Squirrel.

Some people say that IMAO is written for fourth graders. This is proof that some of our readers have made it beyond sixth grade. SpaceMonkey and I even made it past 8th grade. Or at least most of the way.

So visit please and enjoy.

Rating: 2.9/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (8)
The New InstaPodcast - Don't Bother
Posted by Harvey at 05:24 PM | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

All he does is spend 90 minutes pimping his new book:

(click to enlarge)

On the other hand, I kinda like his new intro music, which is a dozen bars of "How Much Is That Doggie In the Window?" that's cut short by the sound of a blender on "liquefy".

Rating: 2.7/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (2) | Filthy Lies
Saturday Open Thread
Posted by spacemonkey at 03:31 PM | Email This

Unless you want to say or ask something about the Carnival of Comedy, which I am still working on.

I am actually putting some actual time and actual work into it this time so my carnival won't actually suck.

So there. Blather away in the comments.

Rating: 2.3/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (11)
April 28, 2006
The Mexican Sabbath Day
Posted by Laurence Simon at 02:05 PM | Email This

I've been reading about these so-called "pro-immigration" protests being planned for May 1st by "civil rights activists" and there's something that doesn't quite add up.

Individuals of Mexican descent, whether citizens or legal immigrants or those in the U.S. illegally, are being called upon to refuse to work or engage in any commerce on May 1st in protest of pending bills in Congress that have yet to be emasculated by pro-Amnesty elected officials ignoring the overwhelming will of the American citizenry. You know, to raise awareness of their contributions to society and stuff like that. Or just to get a "goofoff" day off from work or school.

Well, excuse me, but Jews have been doing that kind of thing for over 5,700 years. On a weekly basis, even. And do you see anybody taking us seriously?

No freaking way. We're still getting stabbed, bombed, shot, blown up, and blamed for everything from the plague to RIAA violations. (Okay, faking the Moon Landing was us. But we've learned from our mistakes, and we'll do a better job when we fake the Mars Landing in 2011.)


A Jew testing his Mind Control Laser
before it is launched into orbit over Washington.

Of course, our mistake may have been doing that stuff to coincide with the start of the weekend. I mean, we invented 'Thank G-d It's Friday" for crying out loud. Maybe if we'd do that stuff on a Tuesday or a Thursday, folks would realize the Jewish contributions to society when they have to rearrange their court dates, reschedule surgeries, or the weather gets all out of whack when the Zionist Weather Control Machines are shut down. (Sorry, New Orleans!)

Rating: 2.9/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (23)
Blogs Can Make a Difference
Posted by Frank J. at 01:21 PM | Email This

Here's an update on Andrea Clark. It's nice to see this isn't a partisan issue.

UPDATE: It's taken a turn for the worst since St. Luke's suddenly reneged on taking Andrea. John Hawkins is trying to get more details.

Rating: 2.9/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Uno de Mayo
Posted by Laurence Simon at 01:00 PM | Email This

In anticipation of Uno De Mayo protests, I thought I'd remind people of a certain deranged project I worked on last year when the "How To Sneak Into Gringoland" comic book was published and distributed by the Mexican Government:

Remember, folks: the undershorts of Uncle Sam himself are exposed!

Rating: 3.0/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (19) | Best of IMAO 2006
Where Did IMAO Go? Ask Saudi Arabia
Posted by Frank J. at 12:49 PM | Email This

DoS attack on Hosting Matters took IMAO down and a number of other poltical blogs. Michelle Malkin has the details (she always has the details first; hmm...).

What's the point of these attacks? We're down a couple hours, and then we're just angrier.

Anyway, make sure to tell everyone you know to visit IMAO and buy lots of merchandise; it's the only way to show the terrorists you won't be intimidated.

So does this count as the first attack against the 101st Fighting Keyboardists?

Rating: 2.3/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (22)
Friday Catblogging
Posted by Laurence Simon at 09:14 AM | Email This

Since it's Friday, I thought I'd spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka "I-MEOW").

Sure, some of the IMAO bloggers have cats, but apparently I'm the only one of them brilliant enough to combine cats and blogging without blowing them up in a messy explosion of fur and PHP codes.

Anyway, it's time for Frisky the Fluffy:

If you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Frisky is... um...

Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.

(For more animal goodness, try Friday Ark today and Carnival of the Cats Sunday, so send your catblogging links to submissions @ carnivalofthecats.com.)

Rating: 2.8/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (25) | Friday Cat-Blogging
Carnival Of Comedy is On Its Way
Posted by spacemonkey at 08:43 AM | Email This

I'm working on it. I'm working on it!

Rating: 3.4/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (3)
April 27, 2006
Calling All Chicken Hawks
Posted by Frank J. at 09:22 PM | Email This

Ready to put your keyboad where your mouth is? Captain Ed wants you to join the 101st Fighting Keyboardists.

Gimme a sec while I put up our cool new logo on the sidebar...

Rating: 2.6/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (13)
United 93
Posted by Frank J. at 03:10 PM | Email This

United 93 opens tomorrow. Here is a review from David Beamer, father of Todd Beamer.

Michelle Malkin has more about the marketing and reactions to the movie, including a new episode of Vent (I previously went over some of the odd reactions to the film, but they seem to be the exception from established movie critics).

The Libertas Blog notes that the ending was changed (well, the words that appear before the credits).

Rating: 2.9/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (3)
Do We Laugh So We Don't Kill?
Posted by Frank J. at 01:36 PM | Email This

Sometime I like to take a break from telling you all what to think to tell you why you think that (Short Answer: Because I told you too). Now, some unwary liberals have stumbled onto conservative humor on some t-shirts from ThoseShirts.com and were quite shocked and appalled by what they saw. Digby feared that our humor meant we mean his ilk real harm, while maha says that this just follows a long line of violent conservative humor rooted in hostility.

She also says there is no such liberal equivalent.

Yeah, yeah; calm down. It's just like the "there's no liberal media" types who basically have King Kong trashing their living room but claim not to be able to see a monkey. But doesn't such obtuseness bring up some hostile feeling in you? Maybe there is a point about right-wing hostility in humor, as, if you look at it, there are a lot of factors out there that can be pushing conservatives like me to a very hostile disposition which I could possibly be reflecting in my humor.

CONTRIBUTING FACTORS TO RIGHT-WING HOSTILITY

* We were able to steal two Presidential election, but unable to rig Presidential approval polls.

* Confusion resulting from that we hate women and minorities, yet love Condoleezza Rice's warmongering and the punditry of Michelle Malkin.

* Our neo-nazi tendencies push us to anti-Semitism, but we're also working on Zionist conspiracies to fight wars solely to benefit Israel.

* Walker: Texas Ranger was canceled years ago.

* Illegal immigrants are stealing our jobs (personally, I have tons of bills to pay for my college education in electrical engineering, so how can I compete with Pedro hanging out by the Radio Shack who will design custom Power-On Reset circuits for $2.00 an hour?).

* We got Halliburton the illegal wars it wanted, but it's yet to deliver on the cheap oil.

All of that combined can lead to quite a bit of hostility, and, subconsciously, that could seep into our humor, our jokes revealing our violent intentions. How can we tell, though?

Obviously, Digby and maha lack any sort of science background to definitively detect latent hostility hiding in humor. Luckily, you have me, and there is no one more scientifical than Frank J.

Now, I contacted the humor department at Carnegie Mellon University (it's an actual university; Google it), and they happen to have specific studies on hostility in humor. It is essential to note that humor is hostile by nature. While it feels good to laugh at something, it feels horrible to be laughed at. Studies have shown that being laughed at activates the same centers of the brain as when one is threatened with a gun (That particular study was done by having some people connected to a brain monitor and then having the entire staff come in the room and laugh at the people for how dumb they looked with all that equipment attached to them. The other test case had people connected to the brain monitor and told they were going to view a series of pictures, but instead Samuel L. Jackson runs into a room, points a gun at the subject, and recites a stylized version of Ezekiel 25:17. The control case had people connected to the brain monitor and just forgotten about until they got angry and left.).

To measure hostility in humor, the Franken Scale is used. It's a linear scale for signifying the amount of latent hostility in a joke and ranges from 1 (no hostility) to 10 ("My name is Ted Rall."). Before we use the Franken Scale on the right-wing humor in question, let's use it on some simple examples so you can familiarize yourself with it. First, let's start with a joke common among many children:

Read More...


Rating: 2.6/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (35) | Best of IMAO 2006 ~ | Why Me Laugh?
The 101st Fighting Keyboardists Now Have Their Service Patch
Posted by Frank J. at 11:51 AM | Email This

Tell me this isn't awesome:

Read More...


Rating: 2.5/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (21)
Bush needs a few of these up at Crawford for the next time King Abdullah pays a visit
Posted by Laurence Simon at 11:11 AM | Email This

(Via J-Walk)

If you try to grill halal food on the first grill on this page, would it still be halal?

Rating: 2.4/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (4)
April 26, 2006
Ah, Irony
Posted by Frank J. at 10:52 PM | Email This

I don't usually blog my personal life, but I thought this was funny. Talking about all this recent hullabaloo, I turned to my wife and said whimsically, "People are saying I have a 'hostile' sense of humor."

Then SarahK pointed out that as I made the statement, I was chambering a round into my carry pistol.

Rating: 3.3/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (19) | Best of IMAO 2006
EEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Posted by sarahk at 10:04 PM | Email This

I can't believe I wasn't blogging it, stupid migraines. Kellie finally leaves us. Yes. I screamed in the livingroom. I thought it too good to be true that she might go home.

They had a new version of the "Bad Day" song, which I desperately need. They showed Kellie taking a load off her calamari-eatin' chest, but no "what's a ballsy". And thank goodness. They love me enough that they just talked her up until the end of the show and didn't have her sing. That was my favorite thing all week, Kellie not singing.

Andrea Bocelli was wonderful. David Foster's awesome.

Chris & Katharine were the top two. Katharine surprises me, because even when I watched her again this morning it was awful. I'm apparently among very few who thought that, though. Even Simon apologized for being harsh. I suppose I can be wrong occasionally, but when I watched it again and subjected myself to her undies, I still felt the same way as last night. Though honestly, it was probably her ridiculous facial expressions -- she was waxing Kellietically. Maybe I just couldn't get past the faces.

Elliott and Taylor were the middle.

Kellie forgot to thank Vote for the Worst for keeping her in it this long.

Gotta go. Hockey's on, and my Stars have mucho ground to make up in Denver tonight.

Rating: 2.7/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (9) | SarahK's TV stuff
Wrong Tony
Posted by Harvey at 09:40 PM | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

I was deeply disappointed to hear that Tony Snow got the job as White House Press Secretary. I can't believe that President Bush overlooked all the many other talented Tonys out there who would've made better picks:



Tony Hawk - Need to dodge a tough question? Just jump the skateboard onto the podium and do a Figure 4 Calf Wrap Flamingo Pretzel Plant Brain Surgeon with a Mute Grab 900 into the press pit. Reporters will be too dazzled, distracted, and/or wounded to ask a follow-up.

Fat Tony D'Amico - Didn't see nothin', and will have the offended reporter quietly piano-wired when no-one's looking. If questioned, will respond "What's a moider?"

Tony Bennett - Political spin is always more convincing when sung to the tune of "Fly Me to the Moon".

Tony Blair - "I'd love to answer that question, but it's tea time, so sod off!

Dr. Phat Tony - Will brutally taser any MSM joker who steps out of line.

Tony Dow - He probably wouldn't be good at dodging questions, but it'd be funny to hear the reporters start all their questions with "Gee, Wally..."

Tony Randall - Tough question? He'll just fake a sinus attack.

Tony the Tiger - Has an inarguable, two-word answer to any question regarding whether Bush's policies will be good for America.

Tony Stewart - "I can't hear your stupid question over the sound of my engine!"

Tony Danza - The only question he'll get is "Did you every 'Danza slap' Alyssa Milano?"



It'd also be cool to have Anthony Hopkins eat the reporters' livers, but he's not technically a "Tony".

Any Tonys I missed?

Rating: 3.0/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (30) | Precision Guided Humor Assignments
I Just Want to Make People Laugh, Not Quiver in Fear
Posted by Frank J. at 06:39 PM | Email This

But I'll take what I can get. Here's a post and big comment discussion about how scary right-wing humor is to humorless liberals. I mean, a few are able to laugh at themselves, but it's mainly one big hissy-fit.

Come on, people, smile! You'll live longer. Life's a party; stop being the awkward guy who sits in the corner and doesn't talk to anyone. Liberalism is a terrible disease that includes mood-swings, depression, and mental-retardation, but it can be cured!

(hat tip to SondraK for the link)

UPDATE: More discussion from OTB is here. Yes, I would say my humor is less mean spirited than Ted Rall... but then about anyone short of Hitler could probably say that.

More here from the left... let's keep following this...

That lead to this post supposedly pointing out I have a history of "hostile" humor by linking one old post.

Eh... that was a forgettable post. Must of been one of those days I felt like putting something out but wasn't inpspired.

Hasn't anyone ever seen The Three Stooges? Violence is funny! I didn't start the fire here, people.

Distinction, though: if Moe viciously murdered Curly out of anger, not so funny. Ponder that.

UPDATE2: Man, a lot of people are linking to that Digby post, but I'm getting like no traffic from this and the shirt in question is out of print.

About this whole tizzy, I think James Joyner put it best with the quote, "Lighten up, Francis."

The reminds me of that overblown controversy when that Shakespeare play came out that had the line, "The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers."

Rating: 3.1/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (27)
It Is the Beginning of the End
Posted by Frank J. at 03:05 PM | Email This

Spanish Socialists are going down the path to destroy all humanity. Forget everything else and help stop Spanish Socialists now!

UPDATE: Oh yeah; I have a shirt design for this occasion. No matter how bad things get, I should never miss an opportunity for a plug.

Rating: 1.9/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (19)
In My World: Snow Day
Posted by Frank J. at 12:37 PM | Email This

"It's time for you to get to work, Snowman. By the way, that's your new nickname," President Bush told Tony Snow. "Nobody likes me anymore, but you have to spin things so everybody thinks I'm the super-coolest person ever. And you have to convince all the press to only write nice things about me. So you do a good job or you'll end up like Scott McClellan - fat!"

"I'll do what I can," Tony answered, "but you try and stay out of trouble. I don't want this job to be any harder than it already is."

"Hey, trouble is my middle name!" Bush answered and then thought for a moment. "Wait, my middle name starts with a 'w'. What is it? Wilhelm?"

"Just focus on not screwing anything up and I'll handle the press," Tony assured him. He then headed out to the press room where all the reporters were waiting.

"So, are you the new White House Press Secretary?" a reporter asked.

"First off," Tony stated, "I'm already a hundred times the journalist of all you hacks added together, so, instead of answering your moronic queries, I'm just going to state everything you need to know and you'll jot it all down and report that. Are we clear?"

"Mr. Snow, we need--" a reporter started to say, but then screamed in pain as he fell to the ground.

"Now, one thing you need to know," Tony said, "is that I can now shock you through your press passes. This wasn't my idea; it was done by Homeland Security. Now, on to politics. While there are many troubles in Iraq, it's going much better than you shills report. Progress is being made daily. With Iran, many options are being looked at, but nothing has been decided on. Finally, the Democrats are all morons and you waste time reporting on anything they do or say. I think that covers everything."

"What about how Karl Rove will be--" A horde of screaming demons crashed through the ceiling, grabbed the reporter, and flew off.

"It should be mentioned," Tony said, "that questions about Karl Rove will cause screeching demons to come after you. That's out of my hands."

"And there are also reports that secret police are taking away anyone who questions the White House," a reporter stated. "What is your reaction?"

Some men in black ran into the room, grabbed the reporter, and dragged her away.

"Next question," Tony said in a bored voice.

"War murder and oil because Bush bad!" Helen Thomas cackled.

Tony Snow made a motion to some men in white in the back of the room. They came forward and gently walked Helen Thomas out of the press room.

"Are they taking her to a nursing home?" a reporter asked.

"That or they're going to tie her up and leave her in an abandoned warehouse," Tony answered. "Either way, I don't care."

A truck crashed through the side of the room. "Trouble, Tony!" Bush yelled as he got out of the driver seat. "I may have just been involved in an armed robbery and this truck may or may nor be stolen. Anyway, spin it all to make it sound good."

"I thought we agreed you'd avoid misadventures until your polls are up!" Tony said.

Bush opened the back of the truck. "I tried; really, I did." A bunch of Mexicans came out the back.

"Are you smuggling Mexicans across the border?" Tony asked.

"The less you know, the better." Bush started dousing the truck in gasoline. "I'm going to take care of the evidence; you continue with your press conference."

"I want you all to ignore the scene over there and focus on me," Tony commanded the press. "I'm going to use this blackboard behind me to give you all a lecture on good journalism... since you guys really need it. Let's get started."

"I don't need to be lectured about journalism from someone from FOX News!" Daivd Gregory shouted. "I'm David Gregory! I--" David Gregory burst into flames.

"By the way," Tony said, "the electrified press passes have a few kinks in them and sometimes explode. Then again, maybe that's more of a feature than a bug."

Panicked, Gregory ran into the truck setting it on fire.

"Since this room is starting to burn down," one reporter said, "can we skip the lecture?"

"That might be smart. Oh, and I should tell you that, as part of the deal of the White House hiring me, FOX is filming this all for a reality show. So, if in the future, you find the press room filled with snakes or you get locked in an underground bunker, I warned you."

The reporters fled the room.

"Good job for your first day," Bush said. "So, what now?"

Tony looked at the burning truck. "I think I'm going to a bar."

"There's a list of nearest bars in your 'Welcome to the White House Staff' basket." Bush looked around the room which was all quickly catching fire. "This isn't going to burn itself out, is it?"

Rating: 3.0/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (21) | Best of IMAO 2006 ~ | In My World
It's Not Scientific, But What Is These Days?
Posted by Frank J. at 10:59 AM | Email This

Here is the result of the BlogAds survery of IMAO readers. It's a pretty small sample (even for just those who read IMAO), but worth a gander.

Full survey results for all blogs are here and skew heavily Democrat (not one Democrat from IMAO, though).

Rating: 3.7/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Let It Snow!
Posted by Laurence Simon at 10:18 AM | Email This

Since everybody else is going to make some kind of joke on "Snow Job" ...

Oh, Helen Thomas' face is frightful
And her questions are so spiteful
Since McClellan really wants to go
Tony Snow! Tony Snow! Tony Snow!

The war doesn't show signs of stopping
Veins in Gregory's face are popping
Who can we find that is in the know?
Tony Snow! Tony Snow! Tony Snow!

When they ask him for a sound bite
How he'll hate going out in the swarm
If they manage to quote him right
Will they still manage to inform?

Well, we all know Bush is lying
About these wiretaps and spying
Who can tell these folks to all go blow?
Tony Snow! Tony Snow! Tony Snow!

Rating: 2.2/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (15)
Time for a Blizzard
Posted by Frank J. at 09:30 AM | Email This

IMAO would like to welcome the new character to our In My World™ series.

New In My World™ coming soon...

Rating: 2.9/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (4)
Loose Screws
Posted by Frank J. at 09:20 AM | Email This

Though it doesn't come out until Friday, rottentomatoes currently has 24 reviews for United 93. I kinda knew a film like this would rile up the nuts, but that doesn't keep it from being off-putting. So far, only three reviews are negative, and one of them isn't even a film review, it's just a guy talking out his ass:

Greengrass disguises art as journalism by matter-of-factly declaring that United 93 crashed in a field in Shanksville, Pennsylvania at the "heroic" hands of its passengers in spite of the fact that the now famous "crash site" produced not one human corpse or even a single drop of blood.
The cell phone/air phone calls are an area of tacit fiction that the auteur fudges with discreet but significant treatment. The actual recorded calls from the "passengers" of United 93 are suspiciously vague and calculated.
The directorís "clear" gaze doesnít extend to quoting the "actual" air phone dialogue, perhaps because he couldnít compensate for its inherent falseness.
This is a movie that does more to discourage raising questions about what really happened to flight 93 than it does to encourage debate over the bastion of lies that have been fed to the American people.

The "reviewer" Cole Smithey (if that is his real name) mentions twice the documentary "Loose Change." I've heard numerous moonbats mention this film that supposedly shows that everything about 9/11 and Flight 93 was fakedÖ and I guess the families (who all gave permission for this film) were bribed into pretending they got phone calls from their loved one's on the doomed flight.

Give me a sec while I Google what the hell "Loose Change" is about...

...

Okay, here's the Wikipedia article on it (and, incidentally, Wikipedia was used as a source for "Loose Change" which should tell you about the accuracy of it).

Flight 93

* Suggests that United Airlines Flight 93 did not crash in rural Shanksville, Pennsylvania but actually landed safely at Cleveland Hopkins Airport where it was evacuated by government personnel into an unused NASA research center.

I think that's all I need to read to declare anyone who cites "Loose Change" to be a complete and utter fruitcake. Why is the Flight 93 story so hard to believe? Are there liberals out there who just can't believe in heroism?

As for the other negative reviews, they seem to do more with politics than anything else (even the highly liberal film critics seem to really be liking the film). One of the other negative reviews muses whether the families of the terrorists were asked permission to make the film. That right there deserves a whack with a Cluebat™. Most of the other reviews say the terrorists were treated in the film as fairly as you can treat murderous terrorist... for those concerned about negative portrayals of terrorists.

The other negative review is on Salon, and I'd have to click on an ad to read it all. Investigative journalism can only go so far.

Anyway, SarahK and I plan on seeing United 93 this weekend. I'll be curious how much noise the movie premiere creates... and how much of that will come from the nuts.

Rating: 2.2/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (54)
April 25, 2006
Carnival of the Vanities #188
Posted by Laurence Simon at 11:30 PM | Email This

Hi there. I'm your friend, Laurence Simon. And it's time for a Crappy Bedtime Story.

Today's story is... um... The Carnival of the Vanities, episode #188.

Ready?

Read More...


Rating: 2.8/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (8)
American Idol 5 top 6
Posted by sarahk at 09:44 PM | Email This

And by top 6, I don't mean the best 6 singers of the season. Obviously.

I forgot to pick the songs everyone should sing this week. But Sa called and told me what Kellie sang, and I couldn't be happier. This is going to be fantastic.

LOL, Ryan says that it was bad luck for the ladies last week, because Ace left. Frank and I both thought, one of the ladies went home.

Anyway, tonight it's love songs with Andrea Bocelli. And David Foster (who's produced Celine Dion a million times and written a million of her songs if I recall correctly) worked with him on this latest album, so he's there helping out. And Foster's like, "Are these the finalists?" when they vocalize. And showing Foster doing the critiques, I want him on every single week to critique and coach and yell.

Read More...


Rating: 2.1/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (12) | SarahK's TV stuff
I was gonna run a thousand yards, but I got high...
Posted by Laurence Simon at 07:27 PM | Email This

Sure, you can lead a horse to water, but can you keep a Dolphin away from weed?

Apparently not.

See you in 2007, Ricky.

Rating: 2.6/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (5)
'Tarded Leftard
Posted by Frank J. at 06:49 PM | Email This

Some leftard called me a rightard, but he's the one that's 'tarded because he can't even undertand simple humor (due to his 'tardedness). I hate it people are so 'tarded they don't even know how freakingly 'tarded they are. It just makes me shout, "'TARDS!"

Ya know?

Rating: 2.1/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (12) | I Hate Frank
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 04:56 PM | Email This

What is a gas price investigation likely to uncover?

Read More...


Rating: 2.8/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (6) | Fun Trivia
Know Thy Enemy: Illegal Immigrants
Posted by Frank J. at 01:06 PM | Email This

Illegal immigrants are everywhere and completely illegal! Something must be done, but even President Bush doesn't seem to be handling this issue. Thus, I had my crack research staff find out all they can on these immigrants who are illegal.

FUN FACTS ABOUT ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS

Read More...


Rating: 1.8/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (24) | Best of IMAO 2006 ~ | Know Thy Enemy
24 Day 5 - 1:00 a.m.
Posted by sarahk at 11:12 AM | Email This

Previously on 24, Daddy the Pit Bull SecDef got involved to try to help but ended up messing everything up by betraying Jack and trying to get things done his way, in order to save the government. He asked for President Estrogen's resignation, but when Robocop got the recording from Jack, Estro instead asked for Daddy's resignation. Chloe got arrested for helping Audrey and Jack when Miles the Weasel and the Unstable Sexual Harassment Girl teamed up. But Chloe escaped and threatened to recommend Unstable Girl for psych evaluation and told Unstable that Estro's behind everything. Chloe went to Bill's house. SarahK still wanted to know: Where's Rico Suave? Aaron and Marty went to meet behind the stables at the presidential retreat, but all that showed up of Aaron was his cell phone. Robocop cut Audrey's arm and made her bleed all over her pretty white jacket. He should be executed for ruining that jacket. Jack gave up the recording to save Audrey, because he's an idiot who loves needy women.

Read More...


Rating: 2.1/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (8) | SarahK's TV stuff
Eye in the Sky
Posted by Laurence Simon at 11:03 AM | Email This

Reports are coming out of Israel that the Jewish state will be launching an "eye in the sky" satellite to monitor the Iranian nuclear program.

This is excellent news considering previous efforts by Israel's space program:

  • October 1968: Israel launches first satellite, Moishe Sheva ("Moishe Seven"). Constantly plagued by communication errors when Ground Control tries to contact it collect.

  • December 1973: Jewish astronaut offered seat on Apollo 15 mission, but refuses because he'd rather go in the "off-season" when the moon isn't so crowded and the prices at the restaurants aren't so high.

  • March 1982: Israel attempts to launch "Nose in the Sky" satellite, but it achieves incorrect orbit.

  • April 1982: Israel launches Rhinoplasty Specialist in the Sky" to adjust orbit of "Nose in the Sky" satellite. Successful, but expensive and not covered by insurance.

  • January 1986: IAI engineers suggest to Morton Thiokol that the Challenger's solid rocket boosters might have improved performance with a slight "O-ring circumcision" procedure.

  • November 1993: Israel launches Yasser Arafat into the sky, Arafat survives re-entry. Mission considered a failure, political situation prevents future missions.

  • July 1995: After "Nose in the Sky" satellite exceeded operational lifespan, Israel launches advanced "Ear, Nose, and Throat in the Sky" satellite. However, it develops allergies despite deep-vacuum of space. Satellite reloacted to Arizona, still plays golf on weekends.

  • May 1996: President Bill Clinton docks successfully with Monica Lewinsky.

  • June 1996: Again.

  • July 1996: And again.

  • August 1996: Enough already, Bill!

  • January 1998: Israel sends up its first space station Miami Beach One. Entire crew lost when Mission Specialist Rabbi Herman Goldberg nails a mezzuzah to the airlock and lets out all the air.

  • September 2001: Four transcontinential jetliners... Oh. Wait. That wasn't part of the space program. Never mind. Nothing to see here.

  • November 2004: After many delays, second Arafat mission a success.

Good luck, little spy in the sky!

Rating: 2.5/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Carnival of the Vanities #188 - Last Call
Posted by Laurence Simon at 10:57 AM | Email This

This is the last call for submissions to this week's Carnival of the Vanities, which will be here sometime very late tonight or very early tomorrow morning (when are these things supposed to be, anyway?)

Submission information is here.

Rating: 2.3/5 (6 votes cast)

Just When You Started to Believe Moonbats Had Some Humanity in Them...
Posted by Frank J. at 09:13 AM | Email This

...here's the Kos Kids debating whether NRO contributor Cathy Seipp (who, apparently, devoted her life to "hate speech") deserves sympathy for her plight with cancer and dealing with insurance companies.

Anyway, here is Cathy's story and her blog. Keep her in your prayers.

Rating: 1.3/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Carnival Of Comedy Reminder - First Anniversary!
Posted by spacemonkey at 08:46 AM | Email This

CoC_Hah.jpg

I, spacemonkey, will be hosting the Carnival of Comedy this Thursday. It will be at IMAO, though.

Get those entries in to here, or here.!

Schedule
53- AbbaGav
54- Dr Phat Tony
55- fmragtops - How do you pronounce that?
56- Passionate America
57- The MoxArgon Group
58- Jerry Dante [language]

Hmm, Maybe I should add dates to this. And probably ought to contact the newly assigned hosts, too. Maybe they'll notice a spike in traffic from the links.

Rating: 2.9/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Newsletter Out
Posted by Frank J. at 07:06 AM | Email This

Check your inboxes and spam filters (IMAO always looks like spam).

I'll say no more...

Rating: 2.1/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (8)
April 24, 2006
A Cause Worth a Fight
Posted by Frank J. at 11:07 PM | Email This

And found on DU of all places. Go read all about it.

I find it heartening how many at DU reccommended contacting conservative outlets to help spread the story. Through all the bravado, only the worst can't toss aside politics when a life is at stake.

Update here.

Rating: 2.7/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (4)
Expect no 24 blogging tonight
Posted by sarahk at 09:37 PM | Email This

Computer just turned itself off at the first commercial break. I was just about to hit publish. So I'll do the rest of the show tonight but won't be able to go back and do the beginning until morning. Darnit, I was funny, too. Really funny. I hope I remember all my jokes. If the first 15 minutes aren't funny, it's because the computer killed my entry.

Rating: 2.5/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (4) | SarahK's TV stuff
Flogging
Posted by Frank J. at 03:31 PM | Email This

Michelle Malkin (SarahK: Stop talking about Michelle Malkin!) has launched a new venture to popularize video blogging on the internet. Soon, everyone can be his own Dan Rather. Personally, I've considered doing some of my own video, but it's not like I already don't have too much to do trying to fulfill your insatiable appetites for entertainment.

Anyway, for video blogging to take off, it obviously needs an asinine name. The written word on the internet is called a blog and audio is called a podcast - both completely meaningless words made to confuse newcomers. I say video should be called a "flog" - a combination of "film" and "blog." You like it? Doesn't matter; I've already declared it so.

Now get to flogging!

UPDATE: People keep trying to tell me that that video blogging already has names that are a combination of either video and blogging or video and podcasting. That's stupid. Video blogging should get it's own horrid name that makes it seem unapproachable to people who hadn't previously heard of it. That name is "flogging."

Rating: 1.9/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (16)
Tourism: Space vs. Egypt
Posted by Laurence Simon at 03:17 PM | Email This

Okay, so it's been a while since I've dispensed any travel advice, but in light of recent events I thought I'd do a little comparison shopping for you:

PRICE:
Space: Very expensive.
Egypt: Muslims will try to kill you.

AVAILABILITY:
Space: Nearly impossible to get to.
Egypt: Muslims will try to kill you.

HEALTH CARE ACCESS:
Space: Nearly all crew are well-versed in First Aid and medical procedures, trained on simulators and have a direct line to physicians planetside.
Egypt: Muslims will try to kill you. Then, the ambulances will arrive late. Finally, the doctors will try to finish you off. Worst of all, none of it will be covered by your insurance carrier.

SIGHTSEEING:
Space: A unique panoramic view of Earth from orbit.
Egypt: Muslims will try to kill you.

LODGING:
Space: Cramped quarters in vehicle and in space station.
Egypt: Muslims will try to kill you.

TRIP PREPARATION:
Space: Extensive background check, fitness screening.
Egypt: A few shots, some bribes for customs officials, and - oh, I almost forgot - Muslims will try to kill you.

GRAVITY:
Space: None. Wheeeeeeeeeee! Uh oh. *barf*
Egypt: Muslims will try to kill you.

SHOPPING:
Space: Okay, so there aren't any Gucci or Prada stores in orbit. Yet.
Egypt: After ripping you off with cheap knock-offs made in China, Muslims will try to kill you.

DINING:
Space: All food is vacuum-sealed, but water is machine-fresh.
Egypt: Muslims will try to kill you.

ATMOSPHERE:
Space: Outside, none. Inside, lots. Stay inside.
Egypt: Filled with blood, shrapnel, and body parts. Some of which may be your own. Why? Because Muslims will try to kill you.

WINNER:
If you can afford it, Space.

And there you have it. Next week, I will compare Disneyland and Mecca.

Rating: 2.9/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (18)
Jonah Goldberg Wants Me Dead!
Posted by Frank J. at 02:33 PM | Email This

I saw this post over in the corner, so I sent Jonah Goldberg a simple e-mail stating that I don't want to be shot either. Here's his reply:

well, if **one** of us has to be shot, you know how i'm voting...

It's true! He wants me shot dead! We've known for a while that Jonah wants me out of the way so I won't be able to steal his job, but he's a fool if he thinks I, Frank J., can be intimidated so easily!

But, if I do get shot, make sure to tell the police it was Jonah Goldberg. The truth must get out.

Rating: 1.3/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (8) | I Hate Frank
Avenging 1963
Posted by Laurence Simon at 02:30 PM | Email This

Forget about the new Monopoly properties poll going on.

What really matters:

Among other changes, the railroads will be replaced by New York's JFK airport, Chicago's O'Hare, Los Angeles' LAX and Atlanta's Hartsfield-Jackson.

Well, let's see.

  1. Atlanta's Hartsfield-Jackson is the busiest airport in the world.
  2. Chicago's O'Hare is #2
  3. Then there's London's Heathrow...
  4. And Tokio's International, which aren't American airports.
  5. Then there's LAX in Los Angeles.

And in the #6 slot is...

Read More...


Rating: 2.8/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Have y'all ever had this happen to you?
Posted by Laurence Simon at 01:01 PM | Email This

Okay, so I get home from the Astros game and fix myself a nice tall glass od iced tea. I slice a lemon in half and squeeze both halves into the glass with a squeezing-doohickey I use for squeezing lemons.

Then I drop the squeezed lemon halves into the tea glass.

For an hour or so, I go about my business, yadda yadda yadda, cleaning and puttering and snapping photos of the cats, and so forth.

My wife then gets home from dress-shopping. I sit down on the couch, and I drink from my glass of iced tea.

There's limes in the glass.

Weird. I remember cutting up lemons. Because I sand the lemon-cutting song to Frisky, who just stared at me like I was some kind of idiot.

"No, I'm not gonna squeeze an orange-boy kitty-cat because who wants orange in iced tea?"

(No, I will not record it)

I look around, and there's a glass of iced tea by the computer. Lemons in there and still a little bit of ice from when I made it, just in case I tried to dismiss the incident as if I'd fixed that glass yesterday and left it there.

The glass in the living room has fresh ice in it, just fresh-made. And I know I made it, because I slice the lemons or limes halfways and put them in the glass.

"See? My memory's good, because I remember slicing up the lemon and here's the lemon in the iced tea."

Except for one thing: I have no memory of slicing up the lime or making the fresh lime iced tea. And if my wife had made it for me, she'd have asked if I wanted lime or lemon in it because she knows I always make that decision randomly.

I look in the glass. Sprig of mint from the garden in it. Same with the other glass.

Yup. I made both.

There can only be one solution to my degenerating memory: switching to Dr. Pepper.

Rating: 1.6/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (23)
We Need a War for Oil
An Editorial by Frank J.
Posted by Frank J. at 11:07 AM | Email This

 I filled up my SUV this weekend, and, after seeing the bill, my immediate reaction was, "Someone must die for this!" After a little thought, I knew who should die: foreigners. Foreigners with oil.

 We need a war for oil.

"If our military can't keep us from being forced to drive gay little cars, then what exactly are all these gasoline taxes going towards?"

 Supposedly, our previous incursion into the Middle East were about oil, but it hasn't looked that way. Unlike all this establishing democracy hooey, a real war for oil would follow a much simpler mission plan: We go in, we kill lots of people, and we take all the oil. Also, we would know for certain when the mission is accomplished; if we have all the oil, we're done.

 Would it just be easier to drive a hybrid instead of having all this killing? No, it wouldn't, because hybrids are gay. If our military can't keep us from being forced to drive gay little cars, then what exactly are all these gasoline taxes going towards? You better not tell me poor people, because I did not get an SUV to help the poor. It should be obvious that our military must be deployed with the sole purpose of stealing all the oil worth getting our hands on. It is a risk of lives, but I risk lives everyday I drive my SUV anyway.

 Now, there are a number of ways to take all that oil. My suggestion is to make big tripod robots like in War of the Worlds, but they'll suck oil out of the ground instead of blood out of people (cars don't run on blood). This may be a bit too extravagant, though. The simplest idea is too simply rush towards the oil fields in tanks killing everyone we see and then securing the oil fields with big walls and minefields and signs that say, "Americans Only." We'll then airlift the oil so we don't have to deal with any people around there. You may be worried that children could step on the landmines, but I'm not since I hate children. Getting blown up will teach them to be small and dumb. I hope monkeys step on mines too.

 Will America stealing all the oil in the Middle East anger the people there? Of course, but who cares. Since we'll have all their oil, they won't have any gasoline to get near us. What are they going to do? Fill a truck with bombs, put it in neutral, and push it towards us? That's pathetic. The most they'll do is get as close to our walled in oil fields and shout epithets at us. Then we can shout back, "Don't you guys have anything better to do? Like losing a war to tiny country full of Jews?"

 So there is what needs to be done. I want war war war until gas is down to a buck a gallon, and I'm the taxpayer, so I get what I want. People didn't need to die for this, but a bunch of Muslims didn't need to live where all our oil is either.

Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as "If You Don't Want to Die, Stand Away from that Oil" and "Diplomacy Is a Failure of War".

Rating: 2.5/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (38) | Best of IMAO 2006 ~ | Editorials
Michelle Malkin Is the Sweetest Pundit Ever
Posted by Frank J. at 08:51 AM | Email This

Michelle Malkin has a thanks for all her supporters. I just hope incidents like this won't occur again in the future, but I'm not holding my breath.

And that why we'll still be there.

Rating: 2.2/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (16)
I Got Sleepy, So the Newsletter Is Delayed
Posted by Frank J. at 08:42 AM | Email This

I didn't finish the next Newsletter over the weekend, but I should have it done soon (hopefully tonight meaning you'll get it tomorrow morning).

Operation Chicken Little will proceed as planned.

Rating: 2.6/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (9)
April 23, 2006
UC Santa Cruz "Comfort Brigade" Recruiters Welcomed on Campus
Posted by Harvey at 06:55 PM | Email This

(CAUTION: Due to mature themes, reader discretion is advised)

Although Michelle Malkin (whose right to be both a woman and a minority I fully support) has done an excellent job covering the UC Santa Cruz protests against on-campus Army recruiters, she missed the story on the sidelines.

Concerned that soldiers in Iraq might not be getting sufficient "female companionship" from the local burkha-babes, a number of young, enthusiastic, and horizontally-accessible co-eds were on hand to recruit new members for the Army's "Comfort Brigade".

[click to enlarge any picture]

Senior Luv U. Longtime promotes the ambitious goal of the Comfort Brigade, and shows her determination that no soldier should have to go without.

"A lot of organizations exist that will forward care packages to soldiers in need", said Senior Amanda Huginkiss, "but we know darn well that those brave men on the front lines have other, more urgent needs as well, and we won't get off our backs until those needs are met."


Who needs body armor when the Comfort Brigade will gladly take your bullet?

Although many apply, not all are chosen. Only the most nubile and flexible of the volunteers will pass the rigorous screenings.


Junior Ivana B. Laid passes her "perkiness check" with flying colors.

The recruitment drive provoked its own protests, though. Mostly ugly guys with hygiene issues who realized with dawning horror what the loss of the campus's loosest women would mean to them.


"Hey!" shouted this unidentified smelly loser, "they're stealing our sluts!"

Idiots like this were largely ignored, however, as most people preferred to ogle the Comfort Brigade Veteran's Parade.


Comfort Brigade Veterans stand proudly behind their service record.

Best of all, the Comfort Brigade's activities completely erased the efforts of the UCSC radical anti-war nuts by actually causing an increase in on-campus recruiting.


Campus security holds back the throng of eager new Army volunteers, and one confused lesbian who thought she was in line at the Tofu Hut.

But with all the hype and breathless promises flying around during the Comfort Brigade's recruitment drive, the discerning reader will still pause to ask the most important question of all: Can the Comfort Brigade really bring all the spine-tingling satisfaction that our soldiers so desperately need?

Well...

Just ask #1535.

Rating: 2.8/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (35) | Best of IMAO 2006
April 22, 2006
Public Service Announcement - New Orleans election results
Posted by Laurence Simon at 10:33 PM | Email This

In case you're interested in whether Katrina knocked any sense into the population of New Orleans, NOLA.com is posting live election results tonight.

The lead has been shifting back-and-forth between Mitch Landrieu and Ray "Chocolate City" Nagin, and it will most likely be a run-off at this point. However, one this is clear: a majority of voters are voting for someone other than Ray Nagin.

Whether this will hold up in the runoff or if Jesse Jackson will scream holy hell over bussed-in voters being turned away from polls for failing to bring registration cards or identification is another matter entirely.

In other news, the IMAO elections are also taking place tonight. So far, FrankJ, Harvey, and Right Wing Duck are all in a three-way tie, but the election is being disputed because someone tried to stuff the ballot box with crabmeat.

Rating: 2.0/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (11)
Madeleine Albright can leg-press 400lbs
Posted by Frank J. at 05:52 PM | Email This

madalbmuscle.jpg
story

Rating: 1.4/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (20) | Best of IMAO 2006
While waiting on the next IMAO podcast
Posted by Laurence Simon at 02:17 PM | Email This

While the other IMAO bloggers are busy working on the next IMAO podcast, I've been working on a new feature on my own podcast: the Weekly Challenge.

I'm kinda hoping that Aquaman will have the time to send in a story for next week's challenge. It's just that he keeps shorting out his computer and microphone setup, being underwater and all.

Rating: 3.0/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (3)
InstaBunny - A Love Story
Posted by Harvey at 02:15 PM | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

Five years ago, at a Las Vegas Furry Convention, Glenn Reynolds met the love of his life, Bonita Bunny:

(click to enlarge)

Today they live in Memphis with their three children:

(click to enlarge)

You may have noticed that Glenn lets his kids guest-post from time to time.

[top pic courtesy of Cadet Happy]

Rating: 2.1/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (4) | Filthy Lies
April 21, 2006
Chained by Numbers No More!
Posted by Frank J. at 07:07 PM | Email This

Ends up the security code for commenting wasn't doing anything, so it's gone! Comment away with no need for numbers!

Can I get a "Huzzah!"?

Rating: 2.1/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (42)
Odds and Ends
Posted by Frank J. at 04:51 PM | Email This

* Operation Chicken Little will commence Monday morning, which is when you will receive the next IMAO Newsletter. Just make sure you're signed up for the newsletter to participate and all the details will be in it.

* Make sure you check out the value section of the IMAO Store where news designs will be added constantly. I have lots of new wacky quote (some from old IMAO posts; some new) on shirts that are cheap. You buy now!

* Barbara Bush claims that Chuck Norris is scared of her. (hat tip to reader Eva)

* I previously talked about my Kevin Bacon number, but it ends up that Kevin Bacon is linked to Al Qaeda! (hat tip to reader Bob in Freeniks)

* Rachel describes what it is like to meet a great celebrity, me - Frank J., who is so closely associated to Kevin Bacon.

* Until we meet again, be honorable, ronin.

UPDATE: Since people keep asking (including the Rachel mentioned in this post), you can sign up for the newsletter on the left sidebar either here or at the IMAO Store.

Rating: 2.1/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (11)
Liberals Still Hate Minorities and Women, But Conservatives Think It's Perfectly Okay to Be Either or Both
Posted by Frank J. at 11:45 AM | Email This

Since Michelle Malkin has in the past and will in the future continue to receive hate mail about her being a woman and a minority, numerous blogs now have come together to say that, while being a Caucasian male is pretty cool, it's perfectly okay to be a woman and a minority and we won't stand for gender or racial slurs against Michelle Malkin.

Malkin has a message for those threatening her and for the defenders of the Santa Cruz punks. One goober has kept trying to post in my comments a link to an image supposedly of a map to Michelle Malkin's home. How do you force-feed idiots like that a clue?

If you want to be amused (not that anyone comes to IMAO for amusement), here are some liberals furrowing their brows in a vain attempt to understand what we're doing.

And here is the updated list of supporters:

SUPPORTERS OF MICHELLE MALKIN'S RIGHT TO BE A WOMAN AND A MINORITY

IMAO
Six Meat Buffet
Echoes Of Forever
Crash Gordon
Conservative Dialysis
SuperFun PowerHour
Justin's Random Thoughts
The Templar Times
...right justified
Fmragtops Spews
Right Hand of God
Algo's Blog
Chaikaroma
Karanadon137
Infidel_Matt
The Conservative UAW Guy
We have nothing to lost but our chains...
Sports and My Thoughts
O'Hara Factor
Right Wing Nation
Pereiraville
InsoluBlog
Basil's Blog
Resistance is futile!
Bakerstreet
Physics Geek
Holstein Grove
Not Exactly Rocket Science
Striving for Average
Unabashedly Unhyphenated
The Kevin Show
Featherless Bird
Steve the Pirate
Undercover Hippie
Beware the Darkside
Mish Mash
The Conservative Commando
Swap Blog

If you want to support Michelle Malkin, grab the banner for your own blog and link it the hate mail post for context. It will be only so long until something like this happens again, so let's all be ready to support Michelle Malkin's decision to be a woman and a minority.

Rating: 2.5/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (49)
Friday Catblogging
Posted by Laurence Simon at 10:20 AM | Email This

Since it's Friday, I thought I'd spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka "I-MEOW").

Sure, some of the IMAO bloggers have cats, but none of them are insane enough to fire up six webcams at once and watch their every move.

Anyway, it's time for...

Hold on. I'm being told that a theft is in progress!

If you're not sure how this absurd sequence pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Nardo is... um...

Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.

(For more animal goodness, try Friday Ark today and Carnival of the Cats Sunday, so send your catblogging links to submissions @ carnivalofthecats.com.)

Rating: 2.7/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (10) | Friday Cat-Blogging
Not the Feel Good Movie of the Year
Posted by Frank J. at 09:30 AM | Email This

Just got an ad for the movie United 93 in my BlogAds. So far, every review says it is extemely well done and a must see. If you haven't seen it yet, click on the ad to view the controversial trailer.

Some say it's too soon; I say better too soon than too late. One day, people will have to be reminded of the story of United 93, and that's what we don't want to happen too soon.

Rating: 2.1/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (16)
April 20, 2006
oh shucks
Posted by Frank J. at 10:12 PM | Email This

NBC has taken "Celebrity Cooking Showdown" off its primetime menu after only three nights. The reality series was originally scheduled to run five consecutive nights, but controversy over O.J. Simpson's Nicole Brown Betty recipe prompted the move.

20051001092209990001.jpg

You don't even want to know what's in that dismembered-head-sized container.

via laurence

Rating: 3.7/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (3)
Maybe Glenn ran out of puppies?
Posted by Laurence Simon at 03:20 PM | Email This

Check out the third photo down.

According to the poster's profile, they claim they're in Tombstone, Arizona.

Uh huh. Right.

Rating: 2.0/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (3)
Frank Solutions to Iranian Nukes
Posted by Frank J. at 02:36 PM | Email This

I was going to write a Know Thy Enemy: Iran, but then I saw that I already had one. Since every KTE is definitive and never needs addition, I'll instead talk about a more specific issue involving Iran:

FRANK SOLUTIONS TO IRANIAN NUKES

Read More...


Rating: 2.9/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (16)
Frank J., White House Press Secretary
Posted by Frank J. at 12:47 PM | Email This

Since you guys want it:

FRANK: Hi, I'm Frank J., and I'm the new White House Press Secretary. I'm already pissed about my work commute, so let's not push me. Anyway, I don't feel like answering questions, so I'm just going to read from my Ninja FAQ. You guys probably won't get most of the jokes, so I'll motion with my hand thusly when you're supposed to laugh.

REPORTER: What do ninjas have to do with Iran?

FRANK: Okay, I thought I spoke slowly and clearly enough for you guys to understand. Maybe I should just dangle some keys to keep you guys entertained.

REPORTER: We're not dumb. We're journalist and... are you playing videogames.

FRANK: ...

REPORTER: Mr. J!

FRANK: Constarnit! Great, I just died. I hope you guys are happy. What's so important it couldn't wait until I was at a save point?

REPORTER: We have questions about Iran?

FRANK: Really? Iran has been around a long time, so I don't see why anyone would still have questions. Try looking it up on Wikipedia.

REPORTER: We mean questions about the Bush administration's policy towards Iran.

FRANK: They don't like Iran.

REPORTER: That's not a policy.

FRANK: Says you.

REPORTER: Is anything planned to stop Iran?

FRANK: Yeah... there's like a tactical nuclear strike planned for this afternoon... threeish, I think.

REPORTER: ARE WE REALLY ENTERING A NUCLEAR WAR AND...

FRANK: That was a joke! You guys are dense. Anyhoo, Link has some important quests to complete, so could you all be quiet for a few minutes.

REPORTER: Can't you do that later?

FRANK: No. My wife doesn't let me play videogames at home, so this is my only time. Now, quiet!

REPORTER: I have a question about the generals denouncing Rumsfeld.

FRANK: Fine! I guess I'll never get to play videogames again. What's your stupid moron question?

REPORTER: What is the White House's reaction to the generals calling for Donald Rumsfeld's resignation?

FRANK: What generals?

REPORTER: You know; the one that have been reported on the news and...

FRANK: No generals have talked to me.

REPORTER: Yes, but...

FRANK: If it were important, they'd talk to me. People know you talk to Frank J. when you want things done. If it's unimportant, they'd talk to you idiots. Next question.

SARAHK: What do you want for dinner tonight?

FRANK: I keep telling you I hate that question. Just make something. Next question.

REPORTER: Recently, a number of undocumented workers have...

FRANK: Let me explain how this works again: you are trying to get information from me. That means you make short interrogative sentences and I do the monologing, not you. Got it?

REPORTER: It's just...

FRANK: Shh! You know, I went to college specifically so I would never have to interact with idiots like you people. Anyway, I'm guessing you have some query on illegal immigration policy. President Bush supports illegal immigrants coming into this country to do unskilled labor such as picking beans, cleaning toilets, and holding mikes while asking inane questions. Pedro, you had a question?

PEDRO: My name is Pedro.

FRANK: Not a question, but keep working on the English. Okay, I'm going to cut things off now because I want to head home before I get stuck in the rush hour traffic on the Beltway. If I didn't answer everything, just make stuff up like you normally do; people never listen to you guys anyway. Also, I brought a wolverine with me, but he disappeared somewhere in the pressroom. If you encounter him, please shout out.

Rating: 2.5/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (20) | Best of IMAO 2006
In space, nobody can hear you scream "Allahu Ackbhar!"
Posted by Laurence Simon at 12:00 PM | Email This

(Via J-Walk)

Well, it looks like the land of the virulently anti-Semitic Mahathir The Moonbat is looking to go to the moon, so-to-speak. But with a space program comes serious, important scientific issues:

How do Muslim astronauts pray in space? Malaysia's National Space Agency is holding a conference to consider such questions as the country prepares to send its first citizen into orbit.

A nationwide competition in the majority-Muslim country has narrowed the field to four astronaut candidates, three of whom are Muslims.

Two will eventually be trained and sent into space by Russia, and Malaysia's space agency - or Angkasa - said it had been scratching its head over how Muslim rituals could be carried out properly.

Performing ablutions for Muslim prayers with water rationing in space and preparing food according to Islamic standards will be among issues discussed, said Angkasa's director-general, Mazlan Othman.

Other complications with Muslim astronauts:

  • Beheading an infidel with a sword is complicated by the complex locking-collar on most spacesuit helmets.

  • Constantly worried about Allah's aim when he hurls stars at devils (Sura 67:5)

  • Tang is not halal. (But it does make excellent body-paint)

  • Please do not use the AE-35 antenna as a spit for roasting goats. Pretty-please?

  • Nice beard. Don't feel obligated to take on air filter cleaning duty, mind you, but it really would be appreciated.

  • They use up way too much room in the Sick Bay with all the Filipino and Indian maids they brought along and constantly beat up and rape.

  • Um... that's the floor and that's the wall. And that's the "Emergency Airlock Release" button you've covered up with your prayer mat that you keep cycling when you hit your forehead against it.

  • The Palestinian flight-controller keeps wanting to change the rocket's course to make it smash into Sderot, Israel

  • Those PhD's in Astrophysics, Flight Medicine and Engineering are impressive and might be useful when combined with your many hours of training and excellent physical condition. But tell me again: who's cousin in the Royal Family are you?

  • For the last time, those solar panels are Dutch, not Danish. Now quit screaming about cartoons and smashing them or you're going out the airlock.

  • About that Israeli boycott - you're gonna laugh - you might want to take a look at those oyxgen tanks on your back.

I'm sure they'll work all of this out.

Rating: 2.3/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Carnival Of Comedy #51 is Up
Posted by spacemonkey at 10:49 AM | Email This

Tommy at Striving for Average is calling the faithful to the Church of Teh Funny.

Rating: 2.4/5 (5 votes cast)

Updates
Posted by Frank J. at 08:47 AM | Email This

Many more people have come out in support of Michelle Malkin's right to be a minorty and a woman, so I'll update that list again soon.

Also, what I've decided to call "Operation Chicken Little" will being soon, so make sure you're signed up for the IMAO Newsletter.

Rating: 3.4/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (9)
I Guess Someone Has to Talk to the Press
Posted by Frank J. at 08:41 AM | Email This

Uncle Jimbo is lobbying for the the White House Press Secretary job. He must really want it, as he threatened me to endorse him and everything. Go check out his credentials.

I know we had our own poll for IMAO candidates, but I don't want the job. I got enought to do without also having to explain everything to the goobers in the press.

UPDATE: Kim du Toit also wants the job, but is a man with the name of a Frenchwoman really up to the job?

He might shoot me for that...

Rating: 2.6/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (2)
April 19, 2006
Secrets of the WMD Trailers: REVEALED!
Posted by Harvey at 09:53 PM | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Lacking any fresh mud with which to smear the Bush administration, the "unbiased" media is re-hashing old accusations of President Bush lying about WMD.

Ok, so maybe those two trailers they found in May of '03 weren't "mobile biological weapons labs", but I have a hard time believing the claims that they were used to "produce hydrogen for weather balloons". Why would Iraq need weather balloons? Does the weather report ever change over there?

"Today will be incredibly freakin' hot with a [random number] percent chance of sandstorms. After sunset, your camel will freeze his hump off".

Anyway, here are my half-baked lunatic theories on what those trailers were ACTUALLY used for:



* Mobile helium production facilities - Those goofy terrorists just love inhaling balloon gas and yelling "Durka! Durka! Jihad! Jihad!" in a funny Mickey Mouse voice.

* Coyote trailers - Just in case any Mexicans felt like sneaking across the border into Iraq to steal jobs from hard-working Islamofascists.

* Super secret Death Star Control Platform - SHHHHH! Secret! You no tell!

* Scott McClellan's retirement home - Needed something big enough so that his chubby ass wouldn't get stuck in the doorway.

* It's where Michelle Malkin goes to strangle kittens with piano wire and/or mince them into brownies - Think of it as Camp David for MegaBloggers.

* It's where Glenn Reynolds goes to... aw, YOU know...

* Stolen oil storage facility - Since they only found 2 of them, President Bush wasn't able to steal NEARLY as much oil as originally planned.

* He was warned about this by numerous retired generals, but did he listen? NO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O!

* Originally designed as a Stupid Hippy Human Shield Transportation Device - Driven only once. Still can't get the smell out.

* Production facilities for Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream - Now you know where their delicious "Caramel Camel" and "Go Pound Sandies" flavors come from.



I was going to mention that they were also on Rumsfeld's "Things That Need A Good Nukin'" list, but - let's be honest - what isn't?

Rating: 1.3/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (4) | Precision Guided Humor Assignments
American Idol 5 top 7 elimination
Posted by sarahk at 09:53 PM | Email This

So here we cut it down to 6. My hope, of course, is that Kellie leaves, but I have no hope for that. I love the replay of Kellie saying "I butchered it!" It warms my heart.

Ford commercial... "Kids in America." Funny, Kellie looks like Carrie in her billboard. It must be the shades. I like Chris smashing the guitar, but other than that, it's... a Ford commercial. That reminds me, we were working tonight so we couldn't watch ALIAS. I fully intend to snark it in the morning. Irina and Vaughn are returning, so I'm all in.

Rod Stewart comes out to the tune of "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy". Yay! Anyway, he's going to do something '70s rockish next.

Rod sings "The Way You Look Tonight". It's great, but the microphone stand swing is a little out of place in this one, no?

Read More...


Rating: 2.5/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (7) | SarahK's TV stuff
He Looks Familiar...
Posted by Frank J. at 04:34 PM | Email This

I like the new White House Press Secretary.

Rating: 1.5/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (14)
How Much Is It Worth for Rowdi Not to Chase the Cats
Posted by Frank J. at 04:15 PM | Email This

Our dog is still obsessed with the cats and likes to chase little Sydney despite our best training efforts, so I decided to contact the nearest dog behaviorist to see how much it would cost for in-house consultations.

$550!

It covers as many visits as it takes for the life of the dog, but still...

If only SarahK would believe me that the cats would be happy living in a cardboard box in the garage.

Rating: 2.7/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (26)
In My World: Cutting the Fat
Posted by Frank J. at 12:43 PM | Email This

"Numerous retired generals have called for your resignation," a reporter said to Donald Rumsfeld. "How do you respond to this?"

"Why would I respond to the opinions of a couple retired generals?" Rumsfeld demanded angrily. He then said in a mocking voice, "'Ooh! I'm too old for war so I'm going to retire!' Back in my day, generals stayed on until they died in battle. I have no use for the words of those who wimped out."

"So, have you put any thought towards resigning?" asked another reporter.

"Your questions annoy me!" Rumsfeld shouted. "I have decided to kill you all violently! Rarr!"

* * * *

"Blood does not come out!" President Bush whined. "That's it. I'm not buying you new suits every time the reporters annoy you."

"Rarr!" Rumsfeld yelled and punched a hole in the wall.

"Fine. We'll pay for a new suit. Calm down."

"And more cruise missiles!"

"Okay. That too."

Rumsfeld stormed off just as Scott McClellan came running toward Bush. "What's the matter, fatty fat fat?" Bush asked.

"The key to my office doesn't seem to work anymore." Scott led Bush to a door and was unable to get the key to fit.

"Are you sure that's your office?" Bush said. "It doesn't have your name on it."

Scott looked at the door. "Where did my nameplate go?"

"Let's not worry on little things like that." Bush held up a piece of paper and a pen. "Now sign this."

"What is it?"

"It's... uh... a bill. It needs a signature."

"But you're the one who is supposed to sign bills."

"Then it's a... uh... petition." Bush shoved the pen at Scott. "Now, sign!"

"How could this be a petition? There's only one line for a signature." Scott grabbed the document. "Hey! This is a letter of resignation! You're trying to get rid of me!"

"That's just crazy," Bush said. "You're a crazy person, and there is no reasoning with you. I have to go talk to job applicants."

* * * *

"I sure you all have a lot of questions about Rumsfeld and Iran," Scott told the White House Press Corps, "so let's get started."

"Why announce your resignation now?" a reporter asked. "Is it because you finally realized your tubby and no one likes you?"

Scott looked confused. "I'm not announcing my resignation."

"You say you're leaving to spend more time with your family," said another reporter, "but isn't it true your family doesn't like you either?"

"No. I need this job to have money to feed my family," Scott said with worry.

To the side, Bush appeared with Tony Snow. Bush pointed at Scott. "That's where you'll stand." He then pointed to the press. "Those are the morons you'll have to placate."

"Are you replacing me?" Scott shouted.

"Do I have to deal with that tubby goober there with this job?" Tony asked.

"No," Bush answered, "Just shove him out of the way."

Tony walked over and knocked Scott to the ground.

"Ow!" Scott yelled. "You're going to get a loyalty problem with stuff like this."

"So what would I do with these people?" Tony asked Bush as he looked at the press. "They look dumb."

"Just distract them with shiny things and use big words to confuse them. I don't know any big words, so you'll have to get those from other people."

"Why are you considering someone from FOX News for the position of White House Press Secretary?" a reporter asked.

"You try and answer that for me," Bush told Tony.

"FOX News is a great pool of talent," Tony said to the press. "The station was founded when polls revealed that the American people prefer reporters and anchors who aren't full of crap."

"Good answer," Bush said.

"I never got praise," Scott whined, still lying on the ground.

"If you're getting someone from FOX News, why wasn't I considered?" FOX News reporter Melinda Hawkish asked angrily.

"Because you're mean!" Bush yelled.

"I'm surprised you didn't consider an illegal immigrant as a cheaper alternative," she shot back.

"Who says I didn't!"

"What's this stack of bricks for?" Tony asked Bush.

"If a question is too dumb, just throw one of those at a reporter's head. Go ahead and try it."

Tony chucked a brick at the press. "Ow! My cranium!" one shouted.

"What do I do if I run out of bricks?"

Bush opened a panel on the podium revealing a hidden button. "Just press this and a heavy narcotic is released into the press which will cause them all to be very happy and easy to manipulate."

"You never showed me that secret button!" Scott said.

"Quiet, tubby; you've talked enough." Bush turned to Tony. "So, if you take the job, I'll throw in a blank signed pardon. You can use it to get anyone off of anything... no matter how heinous the crime."

"I can't believe you're replacing me," Scott grumbled. "Will you at least help me get a new job?"

"I will use the full power of my presidency to get you a new occupation," Bush assured him.

* * * *

"Can I get fries with that?"

Scott groaned. "No. This is Taco Bell."

"What can I get?"

Scott adjusted his paper hat. "Tacos."

Rating: 2.1/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (10) | Best of IMAO 2006 ~ | In My World
IMAO Poll: White House Press Secretary
Posted by Laurence Simon at 11:43 AM | Email This
It looks like there's a new job opening in the Bush Administration today:

Which IMAO blogger should be the next White House Press Secretary?
Frank J.
SarahK
Harvey
Spacemonkey
Cadet Happy
Right Wing Duck
Aquaman
Laurence Simon
  
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Now, if FrankJ were Araianna Huffington, he'd take a bunch of press releases and transcripts from Tony Snow and then fake up a blog post here by him so he could claim that Tony Snow writes for IMAO.

But he's not Arianna Huffington. Which means instead of doing it himself, he'll probably make me or Harvey do it for him.

Yeah, he's a harsh taskmaster, but at least he gives me time to let the bread rise, I'll give him that.

Rating: 2.9/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (30)
Conservatives Think It's Okay to Be a Woman and a Minority
Posted by Frank J. at 08:57 AM | Email This

Liberals hate people with different viewpoints, and, even more so, they hate people who look different from them. They save their strongest attacks for people who express conservative viewpoints while being either a woman or a minority since they just hate women and minorities so much. Michelle Malkin made the mistake of being both a woman and a minority, and has thus gotten a great amount of noxious hate mail through the years for what liberals perceive to be a crime of the highest order.

It's time to take a stand. Thus many blogs now display this banner:

SUPPORTERS OF MICHELLE MALKIN'S RIGHT TO BE A WOMAN AND A MINORITY

IMAO
Six Meat Buffet
Echoes Of Forever
Crash Gordon
Conservative Dialysis
SuperFun PowerHour
Justin's Random Thoughts
The Templar Times
...right justified
Fmragtops Spews
Right Hand of God
Algo's Blog
Chaikaroma
Karanadon137
Infidel_Matt
The Conservative UAW Guy
We have nothing to lost but our chains...
Sports and My Thoughts
O'Hara Factor
Right Wing Nation
Pereiraville
InsoluBlog

Conservatives think it's okay to be a woman or a minority. We even think it's okay to be both and will not attack someone for that. While many prefer that people express opinions only while being a Caucasian male, we think it's okay to be a woman and/or a minority while stating your views. Thus, we all stand against dumb honky cracker liberals using slurs against Michelle Malkin, and we hope you're brave enough to take that stand as well.

UPDATE: List has been updated with more supporters.

Rating: 2.2/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (25) | Best of IMAO 2006
April 18, 2006
My Bacon Number
Posted by Frank J. at 10:07 PM | Email This

Thanks to the website spacemonkey posted, I have determined my Bacon Number I asked about earlier. I know it's only supposed to apply to actors, but it's important to know how far separated everyone is from Kevin Bacon.

Anyway, I, Frank J., have a sister who does costume design. She worked on the movie The Eliminator (she did a lot of costume design though IMDB doesn't have her listed) which starred Michael Rooker who was in JFK with Kevin Bacon.

So I have a Bacon Number of 3, only slightly higher than the average actor.

Rating: 2.4/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (26)
American Idol 5 top 7
Posted by sarahk at 08:47 PM | Email This

I'm not excited about tonight's show. I love Rod Stewart (yes, I think you're sexy), but this lot is the most disappointing lot of contestants we've had. Plus, it's standards under the guidance of Rod Stewart (standards are my favorite kind of songs, but no one does them well on American Idol), not Rod Stewart songs. Seriously, I'm more excited about separating my handful of Nerds candies by color before I eat them than I am about this top 7. Blah.

Read More...


Rating: 3.1/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (9) | SarahK's TV stuff
451 Degrees of Bacon
Posted by spacemonkey at 05:18 PM | Email This

Frank, The Oracle of Bacon will tell you your bacon temperature.

(Or any one else, theirs)

Rating: 2.9/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Carnival Of Comedy Reminder
Posted by spacemonkey at 05:10 PM | Email This

CoC_Hah.jpg

Almost Average will be hosting the Carnival of Comedy Thursday Get those entries in to here, or here.!

Schedule
52- spacemonkey - It will be at IMAO, though.
53- AbbaGav
54- Dr Phat Tony
55- Somebody still- I still have some emails to return.

Rating: 1.5/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (1) | Why Me Laugh?
Two Degrees from Terrorism
Posted by Frank J. at 04:55 PM | Email This

I work with people who had this guy as a professor, so that puts me two degrees away from terrorism (or maybe three since this guy was more involved with funding).

That reminds me; I need to find how many degrees I am from Kevin Bacon. Through my sister (whom I'm one degree away from), I am three degrees away from any actor in Mallrats. What's the quickest route from there to Kevin Bacon?

UPDATE: Since my sister is one degree away from this actress/stuntwoman through her costume design work on Backlash, that means I'm only three degrees away from Jack Bauer!

Rating: 2.6/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 03:22 PM | Email This

What would I do if six retired generals were bad mouthing me?

Read More...


Rating: 2.0/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (3) | Fun Trivia
They're on the Edge of the Cliff, So Let's Give Them a Little Push
Posted by Frank J. at 12:15 PM | Email This

John Hawkins reprinted part of a discussion at Democratic Underground about fleeing the country since they think we're on the verge of becoming like Nazi Germany. Moonbats leaving under their own accord would be great since there is no known medical treatment for Bush Derangement Syndrome, but I was thinking that maybe we can help speed up the process.

What if we successfully started a rumor that a Bush dissenter was grabbed in the middle of the night simply because of his viewpoints?

Something like that might scare those whose threats of leaving are just bluster into actually leaving. Thus, I've got a sort of plan developing. Now, since I came up with this idea, I can't directly start the rumor on my blog or itís too obvious. Luckily, I started a newsletter which isn't publicly available to anyone doing a Google search. So, in the next newsletter, I'll put up a fake AP story of someone being mysteriously grabbed by feds and the White House saying they won't comment on the matter. Then, other bloggers can just cut and paste that on their own blogs saying they got it off the AP wire or saw it on a liberal blog and react to it (either suspicious or saying itís probably nothing). People without blogs can e-mail liberal blogs the story or post on bboards or something.

Anyway, it sounds like a plan to start an internet rumor. Any advice? Remember: the idea is to get some liberal blogs to believe this and comment about it. That means we can't be too over the top and the story and how right-wing blogs react to it need to fit their skewed idea of how the world currently is. If it seems true to them, they'll accept it without any research.

Also, we need some cool codename for this operation to scare the moonbats out of America. Discuss in the comments, and then this will start when I send out the IMAO Newsletter later this week.

And, since people always ask, you can sign up for the IMAO Newsletter on the left sidebar or at the IMAO Store (where you can also buy stuff!).

Rating: 2.4/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (34)
The Man With The Golden Balls
Posted by Laurence Simon at 12:14 PM | Email This

So Franz Becknbauer of the World Cup Organizing Committee came up with the brilliant idea to use golden soccer balls for the finals.

"It only surprises me that no one thought of it before," Beckenbauer said at a bizarre ceremony at Berlin's Brandenburg Gate...

Okay, that's impressive, but...

Sorry, Franz, but that's only the display model you're playing with.

The real ball is behind you:

What's that noise? Do you hear growling?

Oh my God! It's haunted! They used gold yanked from the mouths of Nazi concentration camp victims, and they want revenge!

Aauuuuuuggggghhhh! Run for your lives!

Rating: 3.1/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Welcome Back Carter - The Series
Posted by RightWingDuck at 11:29 AM | Email This

Brought to you by Dick Morris

Dick Morris: President Bush is a Republican Jimmy Carter!

Welcome Back Carter

(Cue Theme Song)

Welcome back,
Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back,
To that same old place that you laughed about.

Well the names have all changed since you hung around,
But those dreams have remained and they're turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya (Who'd have thought they'd lead ya)
Here where we need ya (Here where we need ya)

Yeah we tease him a lot cause we've hot him on the spot, welcome back,
Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back.

(Jimmy Carter walks into the studio. Audience applauds.)

Mr. Carter: Iím so glad they brought me back to Washington. I feel like now people appreciate all of my accomplishments. Like being a former president. Where are those silly kids? Always late, I tell you.

Enter The Sweatporks Ė A small tight knit group of Dems.

(audience applause)

Latinostein: Yo man. I hadnít seen the press rough anybody up that bad in a long time.

Horseface: Yaw. They got him good, yes they did. I do solemnly swear that those press reporters nailed that blogger something fierce. That memory will be forever seared, seared into my brain.

Latinostein: That was ugly. Who did that blogger insult? The Democrats?

Horseface: Worse, he insulted Islam! Hilly, where are you my good lady?

(Enter Hill Clintarino, a politically tough street thug.)

Hilly: Iím coming, Iím coming. Donít fall over yourself Ė youíll have to award yourself another purple heart.

Horseface: (noticing Jimmy Carter for the first time) Mr. Cartah, Mr. Cartah, Mr. Cartah!

Mr. Carter: Hey, guys. Nice to be back. Iíve read that President Bush is the Republican me! Thatís crazy! I was much better at running the country than he is.

Sweatporks Ė together Ė YEAH!

Mr. Carter: For starters, I had a brother who drank beer all day. But it was his own line of beer! What about this President? Whatís his brother do? Governor of Florida?

Latinostein: PShhht. Right. Thatís not even a real state. It got blown in by a hurricane! I think itís a piece of Italy or something!

(Sweatporks high five each other and laugh)

Horseface: By the way, didnít we have an African American character in this sketch?

Latinostein: Nope, boss. She was delayed by the racist Capitol Police department who insisted that she carry ID and not slap them around!

Hilly: I blame the fact that sheís a woman.

Mr. Carter: Iíll refer this one to the United Nations.

Read More...


Rating: 2.6/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (7)
Support Your Local Malkin!
Posted by Frank J. at 09:58 AM | Email This

Here are some banners (thanks to cadet happy) to show your support of Michelle Malkin being a woman and a minorty despite liberals protests.

I'd say link them to Michelle's site or to the recent post of hate mail for context.

UPDATE: If you put up a banner on your blog, e-mail me (frankj@imao.us) your blog name and URL with the subject "I Support Malkin" so I can later post a list of blogs that supports Michelle Malkin's right to be a minority and a woman.

Rating: 3.1/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (48)
"Before We Begin the Double Jeopardy Round, I'd Like to Ask Our Contestants Once Again to Please Refrain from Using Ethnic Slurs"
Posted by Frank J. at 08:54 AM | Email This

Michelle Malkin has once again stirred up the hate-filled lefties (warning: her post contains uncensored hate mail charging with the high crime of being both a woman and a minority). I won't go into all the details of the incident that led to this, but I think the worst part of it is that we have military recruiters who can be intimidated by wacky campus libs. I would have hoped our average military man or woman could reduce one of those moonbats to a quivering mass with one stare.

Now, I haven't always agreed with Malkin's tactics such as the time she strangled a kitten with piano wire to make a point on immigration, but these attack on her have got to stop. Someone should be able to be a pundit without constant threats and racial slurs. What if we started using slurs against liberal icons?

BTW, that Howard Dean is one dumb honky cracker.

On the other hand, maybe Malkin can cause all the moonbats to hate themselves out until they just are too tired to hate anymore and just spend their time smoking pot and eating cheetos.

Anyway, I think someone should make a banner blogs can put up that says, "I support Michelle Malkin even though she is in fact a woman and a minority." We bloggers have to stick together! Show your support for Malkin!

Rating: 2.4/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (13)
April 17, 2006
24 Day 5 - 12:00 a.m.
Posted by sarahk at 09:47 PM | Email This

Before 24 tonight, there's a preview for Jack Bauer: The Movie. Kim Basinger plays Audrey. I might see it anyway.

Hey, Prison Break has the guy from Fargo and the un-pimped ride Volkswagen commercials. I LOVE those commercials. Especially the "We just dropped it like it's hot" one.

Previously on 24, Jack went to the bank and got the bank manager killed, Estro blamed Robocop for complicating everything by killing Palmer. Aaron warned Jack that Estro put out a pres. order for Jack's arrest, Mr. F and SexHarassman followed Audrey, who outsmarted them and called her daddy. Jack and Wayne got the tape of Estro and Robo talking about killing Palmer before. Evelyn? Well, we assume she's dead. Who knows about her daughter, but I'll bet she gets attacked by cougars.

Read More...


Rating: 2.1/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (11) | SarahK's TV stuff
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 03:55 PM | Email This

When will I finally rest?

Read More...


Rating: 2.6/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (9) | Fun Trivia
Send a Brick
Posted by Frank J. at 12:30 PM | Email This

Interesting idea, but, if you have a brick with a message written on it, I thought the preferred method of delivery wasn't through the mail.

Rating: 2.0/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (10)
The Only Strategically Viable Option Right Now Is to Construct a Death Star
An Editorial by Frank J.
Posted by Frank J. at 11:59 AM | Email This

 America has tried many things to get a strategic advantage over its enemies - stealth fighters, missile defense, bombs that cause a place to be swarmed with monkeys - yet we are still threatened by insurgents, Iran, and poofy-haired Koreans. Given an honest assessment of the global situation, it should be obvious to everyone that we should construct a Death Star.

 "That's no moon! That's a space station!" people will exclaim, soon followed by them saying, "Wait; that's just the moon." That's because they won't see us construct the Death Star since we will do it behind the moon. No one will find out about our plans since, after we claimed ownership of the moon by putting our flag on it, we also put up a "Trespassers Will Be Shot" sign. You may wonder if we currently have the scientific capabilities to make a planet-destroying space station. This is a legitimate concern, but I'm pretty sure we know how to construct a large metal sphere, so we might as well start with that while we figure out the giant laser. I'm pretty sure that part involves the noble gas argon or something, but I'll have to look that up. The other concern people might have is, unlike the movie version, will we install railings along the numerous bottomless pits in our giant space station? While it is a legitimate safety issue, this would add an estimated 0.01% to the cost, so it would have to be run by the DOD budget committee.

"Now, people of the world, dance for our amusement. DANCE!"

 OSHA compliant or not, when our Death Star is complete, we will then move it out from behind the moon into view of all. It will probably be a good idea to have a big American flag painted on the front before we do this as we don't want Argentina claiming it's their Death Start and threatening everybody. Once our new weapon is in view of all, the President should then come on TV and explain it to everyone. "We have constructed a planet-destroying space station for the purpose of peace. We, the great United States of America, swear we will only use it for the betterment of all mankind. Now, people of the world, dance for our amusement. DANCE!"

 The question arises of what should we use our Death Star on. Its purpose is to destroy planets, but the only planet of any strategic interest is Earth where there happens to be all our cities and football stadiums. Thus, we probably don't want to blow that up. We could hit another planet to demonstrate our power, though, and I think the best candidate is Venus. Even though it is closer than Mars, no one is proposing a mission to Venus because that planet just sucks too much. Also, Venus is about the same size as Earth, so, if we blow it up, people will believe we also have the ability to blow up Earth if so angered. I say, soon after we unveil our super-weapon, we blow up Venus so people understand we have a fully-operational Death Star. The President can go on TV and say, "Your 'morning star' is no more. Now, make sure you all act in the interest of America and nothing else will have to meet an unfortunate demise."

 The world should be scared into being peaceful for a while, but eventually some nutty little nation is going to try our patience. The President should then announce, "America has been angered! Fire up the Death Star!" As the super-laser is charging, everyone should quiet down. Then we can cancel the firing and the President will say, "We have decided not to destroy the Earth... for now." This should work four to six times until people are convinced we're bluffing. Then we'll have to be more active such as firing lasers that just barely miss the Earth and maybe blowing up the moon in our anger. After years of peace, at some point, though, people will just get used to the idea of a giant space station floating above them and no longer be scared that we'll actually do anything. When this happens, our only choice will be to come up with a new weapon to threaten our enemies with or to actually blow up the Earth.

 But we can cross that bridge when we reach it. Begin construction of the Death Star!

Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as "Everything I Needed to Know About Diplomacy I Learned from Emperor Palpatine" and "Killing Terrorists Through Applied Quantum Physics".

Rating: 2.5/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (14) | Best of IMAO 2006 ~ | Editorials
Tax Day 2006
Posted by spacemonkey at 11:59 AM | Email This

Since April the 15th fell on a Saturday, today is tax day for all the people who waited to the last minute to file. (For hurricane Katrina victims it's the last day to apply for the Katrina extension).

Am I the only one sick of this crap? Why do we need to tell them (the IRS) all this stuff they already know?

Why have the stinking IRS in the first place? This Fair Tax thing is looking better and better to me.

An extra cool thing about the fair tax, illegals would have to pay it too. Heh.

Update:Heres a book on the fair tax subject

Rating: 2.5/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (5)
No funny from me today
Posted by Laurence Simon at 11:05 AM | Email This

Some will say "Why is this different from any other day?"

This is why:

A Palestinian suicide bomber killed nine people and wounded at least 40 others, six of them seriously, in an explosion near the old central bus station in southern Tel Aviv on Monday afternoon.

Two of the victims died after they had arrived at Ichilov Hospital in Tel Aviv. Of the wounded, six were seriously hurt, 12 sustained moderate wounds and the rest were lightly hurt.

The wounded were taken to Ichilov, Wolfson Medical Center in Holon and Sheba Medical Center in Tel Hashomer.

I'd like to assume that Magen David Adom's main domain timing out is due to the high volume of people going there to contribute and not because they've recently merged with another group who's URL I couldn't remember if you shoved bamboo spikes under my fingernails.

So while you're waiting, here's my Pez dispenser collection (minus the Furry Friends series, which I keep in their boxes on the shelf)::

I need a lot more Muppets, Peanuts, Flintstones, Violet to complete my Incredibles set, and a FrankJ.

Rating: 2.1/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (7)
Aieeee! The Terrorists Have Ebola Infected Monkeys!
Posted by Frank J. at 09:26 AM | Email This

Bruce Schneier, crypto guy and security expert, has always been decrying what he calls "Movie-Plot Threats" - people worrying about specific outlandish scenarios instead of security in general. He is now having a contest to come up with the best movie-plot threat, and the winner will get an autographed copy of his book Beyond Fear, and, if he can manage, a phone call with a movie producer.

I might have to enter this one myself. Hmm, if the terrorists were somehow able to obtain the formula for the Big Mac secret sauce, then they could...

Rating: 1.4/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Fly It High and Intact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:21 AM | Email This

On the way into the office complex I'm currently working at, I noticed two American flags flying here that are torn and frayed. As far as I see it, there is no excuse to fly a damaged American flag unless you are currently being shelled by British ships and are just keeping the flag up to prove a point to any poetic lawyer who might be observing the situation.

Fix your flags, people!

Rating: 1.8/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (9) | Best of IMAO 2006
April 16, 2006
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 02:20 PM | Email This

What's the Easter Bunny doing the other 364 days of the year?

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Rating: 2.5/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (6)
April 15, 2006
New Sunglasses.
Posted by Cadet Happy at 03:31 PM | Email This

I have a new pair of sunglasses.
spjohn.jpg


and . . .

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Rating: 2.3/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Signs of the Glennpocalypse
Posted by Harvey at 12:33 PM | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

Strange events are said to signal the end of the world.

Which is a bad thing, unless you're a supernatural evil entity who plans to rule during the coming dark age.

Or Glenn Reynolds, which is pretty much the same thing.

When he's not "Indeed"-ing his way through yet ANOTHER link to some legal-mumbo-jumbo-filled Ann Althouse post, he's actively working to bring about the Apocalypse. Here are some signs to watch for:



* Glenn moves Instapundit back to its old Blogspot site, explaining that "the Blogger platform is now technologically superior to Movable Type".

* Instapundit(.blogspot.com) endorses Hillary for president in 2008 based on her endorsement of a "free healthcare for bloggers" program.

* PajamasMedia unveils its new open-bathrobe logo and changes its name to FlasherMedia.

* Glenn Reynolds answers the only honest e-mail from Nigeria and rakes in seven million dollars.

* Instapundit(.blogspot.com) becomes a group blog featuring Plague, War, Death, Famine, and Laurence Simon.



The appearance of a post at IMAO on a Saturday would not be a sign of impending Apocalypse, but rather a sign that the world has already ended.

Rating: 2.4/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (4) | Filthy Lies
Is IMAO diverse?
Posted by Laurence Simon at 12:27 PM | Email This

Q: Why doesn't IMAO have an African American contributor?

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Rating: 1.1/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (5)
April 14, 2006
pepe le jew?
Posted by Frank J. at 05:42 PM | Email This

pepe.gif

pepelejew.jpg

Rating: 2.3/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Friday Catblogging
Posted by Laurence Simon at 09:24 AM | Email This

Since it's Friday, I thought I'd spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka "I-MEOW").

Sure, some of the IMAO bloggers have cats, but apparently I'm the only one of them brilliant enough to combine cats and blogging without blowing them up in a messy explosion of fur and PHP codes.

Anyway, it's time for Nardo the Unwise:

If you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Nardo is... um...

Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.

(For more animal goodness, try Friday Ark today and Carnival of the Cats Sunday, so send your catblogging links to submissions @ carnivalofthecats.com.)

Rating: 1.6/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (21) | Friday Cat-Blogging
April 13, 2006
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 04:40 PM | Email This

What's neither fun nor trivia?

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Rating: 2.1/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (9) | Fun Trivia
Smell-o-vision
Posted by Laurence Simon at 02:44 PM | Email This

Apparently, there's a lot of buzz over synchronized smell-o-vision with the new Colin Farrell movie

A theater audience in Japan will be sniffing their noses - literally - at a new Hollywood adventure film when it opens here later this month.

A new service from a major telecommunications company, NTT Communications Corp., will synchronize seven different smells to parts of ''The New World,'' starring Colin Farrell.

I don't know what the big deal is. I was at a Cheech & Chong film festival the other week and they had smell-o-vision working perfectly with all of the movies they showed.

Now that I think of it, maybe there was buzz going on with those films, too.

Rating: 3.0/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (7)
Bite-Sized Wisdom: Still Need More Coffee Edition
Posted by Frank J. at 02:43 PM | Email This

* I keep hearing how Iran is on the path to getting nuclear weapons, but I don't think that's a good thing. I've seen some of those people from the Iranian government, and, I'm sorry to say, I just don't trust them. I don't think they want nukes for peaceful purposes at all. Someone may want to do something about this.

* There was like a DNC rep from Texas on FOX and Friends to talk about illegal immigration, and I'm pretty sure she didn't speak English. They kept asking her complex questions about the debate, and she just stared like a deer in the headlights before responding with a couple words that seemed to be her best guess as to something related to the question. The FOX people looked like they were doing all they could not to crack up.

I'm not one of those "Speak English!" nazis, but if you're going to be representing one of America's two major two parties to an English speaking audience, it's kinda a good idea to at least be a little fluent.

* I don't like people who don't know English reading IMAO. Who knows what they may be thinking!

* My dog Rowdi chased my cat Sydney yesterday. SarahK got all mad at Rowdi, but, if Sydney didn't have something to hide, why did she run?

* There is all this debate about executing Moussaoui, but he just seems too goofy to be executed. I mean, he's just trying too hard to look evil, but it seems like the reason he wasn't part of the 9/11 attacks is because all the other terrorists knew he was just a goofball. Maybe we could set him up like we were going to execute - strap him to a chair and everything - and then have a bunch of people whack him in the crotch with wiffleball bats. That's seems more apropos.

Or kill him. Not like I'm going to lose sleep over it.

* My brother called me the other day and told me how he was training with live grenades and accidentally started the fuse while it was still in his hand. He still waited until the instructor said "Throw!" before tossing it, though.

Just a little anecdote for anyone wondering why I call him Joe foo' the Marine.

* Hopefully, Joe will get into Officer Training School in June. He should make a good officer since he now has combat experience and is quite smart for a Marine since he is able to count to twenty even with his shoes and socks on.

* I kid! Who doesn't like the Marines? If youíre stuck in Iraq with insurgents blowing stuff up all around you, it's not like the Navy is going to come save you.

* Then again, if I'm getting attacked by a giant squid, I hope they send the Navy. I had a college roommate in Navy ROTC, and half the classes were about learning the vulnerabilities of the dreaded squid.

* Sorry, but I'm just having trouble coming up with funny this week. I'm tired out on the illegal immigration topic, and nothing else is jumping out at me. Sometimes funny is easy, and other times it's like pulling teeth. Maybe I should go with the tried and true making fun of liberals.

* Have you seen liberals these days? What a bunch of morons. What kind of crack are they smoking? They should really go back to their crack dealers and say, "Hey, this crack you gave me is bad. Just look at these editorials I wrote in the NYTimes. That's really messed up, dude." Then the crack dealer will probably shoot the liberal since that's what crack dealers do. You really can't trust those guys. Never let them watch your kids.

* Any other advice about crack dealers? Please put it in the comments. People need to know.

Rating: 2.1/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (14) | Bite-Sized Wisdom
Carnival Of Comedy #50 is Up
Posted by spacemonkey at 12:28 PM | Email This

Well it's up.

All I can figure is that A4G thought doing the carnival was real drudge work.

Update: Direct link not working, so use this instead.

Rating: 1.1/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (6) | Why Me Laugh?
A realistic plan for world peace.
Posted by Cadet Happy at 11:54 AM | Email This

The great thing about being a genius, is that great ideas come to you out of the blue at almost any moment of the day. This morning I was working through my RSS feeds and came across this story:

Italian porn star offers Bin Ladin sex for peace

Italyís most famous porn star Cicciolina has offered herself to Osama bin Laden. ďI am ready to make a deal, he can have me in exchange for an end to his tyranny. My breasts have only ever helped people while Bin Laden has killed thousands of innocent victims.Ē

Then I came across this story:

Iran Leader: 'We Are a Nuclear Country'
Iran's hard-line President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad vowed Thursday that Iran won't back away from uranium enrichment and said the world must treat Iran as a nuclear power.

Then it suddenly occurred to me! A sure fire way to avoid the coming nuclear apocalypse! So, in the name of world peace, I hereby offer the following to President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and the Supreme Revolutionary Council . . .

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Rating: 2.8/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (24)
Fundraising
Posted by Laurence Simon at 09:49 AM | Email This

Forced into a financial crisis by the more rational members of the international community being unwilling to directly fund terror while the Arab League offers up pledge after pledge without actually paying the bills, Hamas is taking the airwaves in a fundraising campaign to keep the leaky and rotten ship that is the Palestinian Authority afloat:

Palestinian Foreign Minister Mahmoud Zahar of Hamas was to embark on a fundraising tour of five Arab nations on Friday, but was expected to be snubbed by officials in at least two countries, Jordan and Egypt. Nevertheless, Israel Radio reported on Thursday that Zahar said he would travel to Egypt on Saturday. Other stops include Saudi Arabia, Bahrain and Kuwait.

Hamas has acknowledged that it is broke and will have trouble paying the salaries of 140,000 government workers -payments that sustain one-third of the Palestinians. The March paychecks are two weeks overdue, and the Palestinian finance minister has said he is still tens of millions of dollars short of covering the payroll.

On Wednesday, Hamas launched a fundraising drive with the backing of the Arab League, an umbrella group that has no significant budget of its own. In appeals on TV stations and Web sites, donors were asked to send money to an account at the Arab Bank in Cairo.

The Hamas Web site on Thursday published a "public appeal to support the steadfastness of our Palestinian brothers and to foil the Zionist plans aimed at forcing them to give up their legitimate national rights."

Doesn't this sound an awful lot like those PBS and NPR pledge drives?

So, you're probably curious about what you get with your pledges. Well, at the 100 Jordanian Dinar level, you get a plain white coffee mug that does not depict the Prophet Muhammad on it to show the steadfastness of your faith and devotion.

At the 300 Jordnian Dinar Level, you get a T-shirt that says "My dad was promised seventy-two virgins if he blew myself up in Tel Aviv, but all I got was this lousy T-shirt."

For 500 Jordanian Dinars, there's a lovely sack of Official Marwan Bargouti Throwing Rocks, perfectly balanced and tested for accuracy and impact against Israeli Border Police and the IDF.

At the 1,000 Jordanian Dinar level, you get a CD of "The Three Martyred Tenors" concert performance by Sheik Yassin, Abdel Rantisi, and Luciano Pavorati. (For 2,000 you get the DVD)

You'll get a pair of Israeli and US flags to burn if you contribute 2,500 Jordanian Dinars. Both have been manufactured with cheap, flammable material that burns easily. Or you can choose to lay them on the street and stomp on them repeatedly.

At the 5,000 Jordanian Dinar level, you'll get an official Yasser Arafat International Airport luggage tag. In fact, you'll also get a Yasser Arafat International Airport official, since they don't do much since the airport's closing in 2001.

And at the 10,000 Jordanian Dinar level, you get your very own Human Shield, courtesy of the International Solidary Movement. (Please specify male or female, hair color, weight, and what major they're studying at Evergreen University in Olympia)

This year, we're sad to announce that the matching program offered by Saddam Hussein of one barrel of oil per Jordanian Dinar is no longer available (Sorry, George Galloway), but the ministers attending the Arab League summit are working on an offer to kill a black Sudanese from the Darfur region for every PA bureaucrat you sponsor.

So call with your pledges today, martyrs are standing by.

Rating: 3.1/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (14)
Iraq's Beauty Queen Resigns After Four Days
Posted by Frank J. at 08:31 AM | Email This

Iraq's newly crowned beauty queen, Tamar Goregian, stepped down ó just four days after her election. She announced her resignation after receiving threats by a group of religious extremists who referred to her as "the queen of infidels" for participating in the contest.

Luckily, the runner-up was ready to step into the position . . .

QUEENINFIDELS.jpg

Rating: 1.1/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (11)
April 12, 2006
Reuters Maintains Journalistic Standards
Posted by Harvey at 10:48 PM | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

In their eagerness to shout "Dismal failure!" about the war, the Reuters news service blindly swallowed claims by Iraqi terrorists that they had video footage of them capturing a downed helicopter.

Well, they DID have footage - unfortunately the time stamp on it was March 19, 2000, and it was probably of a helicopter crash in Afghanistan.

So I guess I shouldn't have been TOO surprised over their coverage of the latest criticisms of Donald Rumsfeld (in the extended entry)...

Read More...


Rating: 2.2/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (9) | Precision Guided Humor Assignments
American Idol 5 top 8 elimination
Posted by sarahk at 09:08 PM | Email This

Ryan thinks it's a good thing that tonight's show is an hour. Simon says America appreciates a bit of honesty. Yeah, about you and Kellie... forget it, I'm too tired. Anyway, the theme of Ryan's comments this year seems to be that Simon is grumpy and never says anything good. Maybe he's as disappointed in what this top 12 has turned out to be as I am? This is my 3rd full season, and I watched the last several weeks of season 2. This is definitely the worst top group I've seen. They're one of the most talented top groups, but they've been the messiest, the most erratic, the most boring, the most disappointing. Probably because they could have been the best, but it's just been one big suck with a few ok moments.

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Rating: 2.5/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (5) | SarahK's TV stuff
taming cerberus . . .
Posted by Frank J. at 08:07 PM | Email This

cerberus.jpg

Rating: 1.9/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (13) | I Hate Frank
Another evil conspiracy foiled
Posted by Laurence Simon at 03:40 PM | Email This

Didn't Louis Farrakhan warn about those evil Jooooooooos luring blacks back to New Orleans with toxic mystery watermelons?

Last week, 9 News told you about an unusual phenomenon in St. Bernard Parish that has some experts baffled. Watermelons are growing in areas devastated by Hurricane Katrina, and no one seems to be able to explain why. The story of the Katrina melons has now sparked the interest of some biologists, who are curious about just what might be inside. Gary Ross is one biologist who made the trip to investigate the melons.

...

"It's a general scientific interest, and it also could be a public concern because a lot of the people who see these nice watermelons may want to immediately eat them. And they may be perfectly fine... but then they may not be."

Ross also took soil samples from the ground where watermelons were inexplicably sprouting. He says he wants to know what's in the dirt that spawned the springtime fruit in the fall and winter.

While he collected samples he explained, "This site, in my opinion, probably has the potential of having the most contaminants, if any, because it's a low area and the water pooled and sat here for awhile."

Maybe it was Jesse Jackson. Or Al Sharpton.

Oh well. I guess we'll just have to rely on Plan B: toxic Food Stamps with the poisoned glue on the back.

Rating: 1.8/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (15)
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 03:33 PM | Email This

What is the chief characteristic of trivia?

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Rating: 2.5/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Fun Trivia
Carnival Of Comedy Reminder
Posted by spacemonkey at 02:36 PM | Email This

CoC_Hah.jpg

A4G will be hosting the Carnival of Comedy tomorrow. Get those entries in to here, or here.!

Schedule
51- Almost Average
52- spacemonkey - It will be at IMAO, though.
53- AbbaGav
54- Dr Phat Tony
55- Somebody- I have some emails to return.

Want to enter? Go here, or here.

Rating: 2.5/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (1) | Why Me Laugh?
The Only Thing She Wants Is to Be Loved and Bite People
Posted by Frank J. at 01:17 PM | Email This

SarahK has some great pictures of our Shepit.

This morning she saw an armadillo and got all excited. That was my first time seeing a (live) armadillo, but you didn't see me trying to dart towards it.

Rating: 2.8/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (4)
In My World: Too Many Mexicans!
Posted by Frank J. at 11:25 AM | Email This

"Yet another grand day of me being in charge of the world," President Bush said as he looked out the window of the White House. He then saw a new building next to his labeled "El Casa Blanca."

"What the--" Bush exclaimed as he quickly headed out of the White House to check it out. "That better be a new Mexican eatery!"

Bush went over and knocked on the door. A Mexican answered. "Who are you?"

"I'm the President of the United States, and you better explain yourself!"

"I'm Pedro, and I'm now the President! People voted for Pedro, so now I'm President and this is the new White House!" A number of Mexicans behind him yelled, "Yeah!"

"What?!" Bush exclaimed as he entered the building. "You can't be President! I'm President! You're breaking the law!"

"We're illegal immigrants, and your laws don't mean nothing to us, gringo!"

"Yeah!" the other Mexicans yelled.

"You don't treat us right," Pedro continued, "so we'll take what we want!"

"Yeah!" the other Mexicans yelled.

"But I've capitulated on this issue!" Bush whined. "If I capitulate anymore, I'll have to reregister as a Democrat!"

"Too bad! We want more! We want more respect and free money and beer and an XBox!"

"XBox 360!" another Mexican corrected Pedro.

"Yeah!" the other Mexicans yelled.

"An XBox 360!" Bush shouted. "That's completely unreasonable!"

"Well, you better all do as we say," Pedro answered, "or who will pick your beans?"

"Yeah!" the other Mexicans yelled.

"Well, obviously not you people," Bush said, "because you're all just sitting around here watching Telemundo and drinking beer."

"Shut up!" Pedro yelled. "And get out of our White House!"

"Yeah!" the other Mexicans yelled.

"Fine." Bush turned to leave, but he couldn't open the door.

"That door keeps getting stuck," Pedro said. "You really have to give it a good pull."

"Yeah!" the other Mexicans yelled.

Bush gave the other Mexicans an odd look.

"They don't speak English," Pedro explained. "I'm just told them to shout 'Yeah' to anything I say when talking to gringos."

"Yeah!" the other Mexicans yelled.

"Well, I don't care how much 'Si' men you have, there is only room enough for..." Bush started laughing. "Oh man; did you hear what I just said?"

Pedro laughed too. "That was funny, man."

"Anyway, there's only room enough for one President of the United States in this town!" Bush then stormed off.

"When we see you again," Pedro shouted, "you better have an X-Box for us!"

* * * *

"We have too many Mexicans now, and we have to do something about it," Bush stated. "Capitulation didn't work, so we need another solution."

"More capitulation?" White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan suggested.

"You're only allowed to take notes, tubby!" Bush shouted. "No talking! Anyone else?"

"We have to make it clear to the American people that we hate Latinos," Vice President Cheney said.

"But we don't hate Latinos," Bush answered. "We just don't like having illegal immigration."

"But I do hate Latinos!" Cheney turned to Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. "I hate you!"

"Go @#$% yourself!" Alberto replied.

"You stole my catch phrase, you thieving bandito!" Cheney leapt across the table at Alberto.

"Just remember how Texas was founded," Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld suggested. "It was founded by shooting Mexicans. We need to shoot Mexicans!"

"We're not shooting Mexicans!" Bush answered. He then turned to Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice. "You're the diplomat; what do you think we should do?"

Condi didn't hear him, as she was busy listening to a tape and repeating Spanish phrases.

"Fine," Bush said, "I'm calling the Mexican President." Bush picked up the phone and dialed a number.

"Hola! El Presidente Vicente Fox speaking."

"Hey, Vicki, come get your Mexicans!" Bush yelled.

"No! If they want to come to America, who am I to stop them?"

"If you were a better President and fixed the economy, they wouldn't want to leave Mexico."

"Yes, but just letting them leave to reduce unemployment is much easier than fixing the stupid economy."

Bush growled. "You may be better than your predecessor, but you're still a lousy president."

"Whatever. Anyway, I make pottery in my spare time. You want to buy some?"

"No!"

"Come on, Dubya; you used to be cool. Buy some pottery."

"Never!"

* * * *

Vicente Fox stood out on a balcony to address his people. "I have just talked to the American President, and he said that America hates Mexico and Mexicans... and then he insulted my pottery! You all know what to do!"

"Let's move to America!" everyone shouted.

"That will teach him to not buy my pottery!" Vicente laughed to himself.

* * * *

"We used to be called the INS," an older ICE agent explained to a rookie, "but now we're called ICE."

He paused for a moment as they watched thousands of Mexicans run across the border.

He turned back to the rookie. "Anyway, sometimes I still accidentally say INS. Old habits die hard."

* * * *

"Stupid gringo president," Vicente grumbled to himself. "I can send as many Mexicans as I want into America." He walked onto his balcony. "So who is best president?" he called out.

There was no answer. Vicente looked about and saw nothing but a tumbleweed moving through the city.

"Hola? Any Mexicans left?"

An older woman wearing a sun hat and a camera around her neck walked into view. "My name is Doris, and I came here for the tourism but can't find any tour guides or any waiters. Can you give me a tour?"

"Hey, you want to be a Mexican citizen?" Vicente asked hopefully.

"No."

Vicente hung his head. "No one wants to be a Mexican citizen."

* * * *

"The White House is full of Mexicans!" Bush exclaimed as he looked at everyone hanging out in White House drinking tequila and throwing burrito wrappers everywhere. The phone then rang. "This better be about the Mexicans!" Bush answered.

"It is!" Vicente replied. "There's no one left in Mexico for me to be president of! Even the chupacabra is gone!"

"The chupacabra is here!" Bush exclaimed. He then turned to his wife. "Honey, make sure our goats still have blood!"

"Please send me back some of my citizens!" Vicente pleaded.

"I'll try." Bush hung up and looked to the interlopers. "Hey, Mexicans, your president says you have to go home now."

"But we like it here," Pedro answered as he took something out of Bush's living room.

"That's my XBox 360!" Bush yelled.

"Not anymore, gringo," Pedro said as he and his friends left.

"Aww, this has worked out horrible," Bush groaned. "Vicki has no citizens to rule, and I have no XBox 360. We're both miserable."

"This should be a lesson to you," Laura Bush said, taking a break from picking up the burrito wrappers. "When you capitulate on an issue, no one is happy."

"The guys who took my XBox are happy."

"Well... sometimes lessons are complicated."

Bush stood up with a look of resolve. "I'm going to go throw a rock through one of their windows!" He marched off.

Laura sighed and went back to picking up burrito wrappers. "Yeah, that'll solve it."

Rating: 2.4/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (28) | Best of IMAO 2006 ~ | In My World
April 11, 2006
American Idol 5 Top 8
Posted by sarahk at 08:59 PM | Email This

Um... Is that a sweater vest under Ryan's suit? Ryan says they're so excited to have a Queen night on the show. I'll bet you are, Ryan.

Poor Mandisa. I wish she were here. You people who didn't vote for her suck. Wait, I didn't ever get through, so I guess I suck too.

Read More...


Rating: 2.9/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (17) | SarahK's TV stuff
i just peed my pants!
Posted by sarahk at 04:32 PM | Email This

ok, even if y'all don't watch American Idol.

please.

do me a favor and watch tonight. it's going to be the best show ever!

Read More...


Rating: 2.7/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (7) | SarahK's TV stuff
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 04:24 PM | Email This

What's fun?

Read More...


Rating: 2.4/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (13) | Fun Trivia
Newsletter Out!
Posted by Frank J. at 02:59 PM | Email This

The first non-test IMAO Newsletter is out. It should be delivered to your inboxes early tomorrow morning, so make sure you're signed up for this extra IMAO goodness.

Rating: 3.3/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (6)
The Solution to the Immigration Problem with Mexico Is a Communist Overthrow
An Editorial by Frank J.
Posted by Frank J. at 12:41 PM | Email This

 Many people are trying to sneak out of Mexico into America. This is very understandable, because, if someone suddenly threw me in Mexico, I would probably sneak in here too. I'm not good with geography, so I don't know what country is south of Mexico and would be scared to sneak over there... as I bet are many Mexicans! The only problem is that America is just not set up to deal with that many Mexicans. Mexico has dealt with large numbers of Mexicans for a long time now and are simply better prepared for that. So how do we stop so many people coming here from Mexico?

"Your country sucking isn't enough to get refugee status."

 The main idea is to improve conditions in Mexico so people arenít so desperate to leave, but let's think outside of the box for a minute. What if we made things worse in Mexico? You'd think that would cause more people to flee, but not if we make it bad enough.

 Now, I've known many immigrants in my day, and they were all smart, hard-working people... people we're glad to steal from other countries. Those immigrants were all from China, Cuba, Vietnam, or the former Soviet Union. So what is similar with those countries? Yes, they're all Communist. If Communism has taught us anything, it's that it makes great American immigrants.

 Communist countries really suck, but they also won't let people leave. Everyone is supposed to love their stupid "dictatorship of the proletariat" or they'll be executed. Since it's so hard to leave those countries, only the smartest, most determined people will make it out alive. And what happens when they come here through improper channels? They're declared "refugees" because they're escaping oppression. Mexicans are just escaping a sucky country, and your country sucking isn't enough to get refugee status. But, if youíre country was Communist, hey, letís help set you up in America, you poor bastards.

 So, obviously, overthrowing the Mexican government and replacing it with a Communist regime is a super fantastic idea. Now, how to do that isn't exactly my expertise, but maybe you Mexicans should just start talking about the dissolution of private property and hopefully hotter heads will prevail. When you strike, I'd recommend doing it during siesta because no one will expect it. If Vicente Fox gets all angry as you execute him for being part of the bourgeois, just remind him that he had supported the plight of illegal immigrants in the past, and this is what needs to be done.

 When itís all over, we should have a nice Communist dictatorship south of us closed to the outside world, and, if that doesn't solve a ton of problems, I don't know what can.

Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as "Stealing Ideas from Your Wife: She's Useful for Other Things than Cooking, Cleaning, and... You Know" and "The Communist Guide to Weight Loss".

Rating: 2.7/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (17) | Editorials
Know Thy Enemy: Passover
Posted by Laurence Simon at 10:55 AM | Email This

Unlike "normal" holidays, Passover sneaks around the calendar and then shows up to distract us from our all-important Easter shopping. This obviously presents a threat to American society and our economy. Thus, I sent my crack research team to find out all they could about Passover.

  • The terms "Passover" and "Pesach" are used interchangeably to allow recording artists ample opportunity to find words that rhyme with the holiday.

  • One should not confuse the 15th day of Nissan in the Jewish calendar with the 15th day of owning a Nissan, when the customer usually brings the car back for its first of many "unexpected" repairs.

  • Of all the Plagues, historians consider "Frogs" to be more of a nuisance than a Plague. Unless "Frogs" is a mis-translation, of course, and it actually refers to a plague of Frenchmen. That would be worse than all other plagues combined.

  • Jews are not allowed to eat, own, or lease with an option to buy unleavened bread during this time. This results in a glut in the secondhand leavened bread market, putting thousands of bakers out of work.

  • Have you seen how cheap croutons are these days? Wow!

  • According to the Protocols of the Elders of Zion, the blood of Christian children is used in the making of matzoh, or the unleavened bread used in Passover rituals. However, like many best-sellers on the New York Times list written by their own columnists, the Protocols of the Elders of Zion just happens to be full of crap.

  • (If your children go missing, ask the Baron Von Bombast of Vulgaria where they went.)

  • During the Passover ceremony, Jews read from a book called the Haggadah, which contains the texts for the seder as well as the things you should shout out while sitting on the toilet for hours, blocked up from eating too much matzoh.

  • Looking for a Seder? Try the International Seder Directory. Or, if you're in a hurry, your grocer's freezer section for a Swansons Microwaveable Seder. (They tend to keep them hidden to avoid angering Muslims, so insist that you're not a Muslim and that you want one.)

  • The name of The Almighty is often written as G-d or L-rd because it costs extra to buy a vowel from Vanna, and Jews are notoriously cheap.

  • Matisyahu rocks, man.

  • Jews make lousy slaves. Nobody trusts an enslaved plastic surgeon. What kind of idiot says "Here, slave, have a sharp object and then cut me up while I'm unconscious."

  • Okay, besides Joan Rivers.

  • The phrase "Why is this night different from other nights?" refers to the extended stay of Jews in Miami Beach, where every night 78 degrees and has a 10 percent chance of precipitation.

  • In a fight between Moses and Aquaman, Moses would win. Because Moses would turn the rivers to blood, rendering Aquaman without water and powerless.

  • Then he'd smite him with his staff.

  • The ceremony starts with the Kaddesh, or the ritual blessing and drinking of wine. Repeat as often as necessary until you're sufficiently blessed out of your mind.

  • The rest of the ceremony should be a blur. Blessings breakings, vegetables, bitter herbs - who needs it? You're just going to stop by Wendy's on the way home, anyway. If you recover any amount of lucidity, you didn't Kaddesh yourself enough. (Tip: bring a flask)

  • Jews will hide the last piece of matzoh and call it the "afikomen" which translates to "It's either this or let it go stale while taking up a lot of room in the pantry. It tasted so bad fresh, can you imagine how awful it will be stale?" The kids are then sent out of the room to go find the afikomen while the parents argue over who's paying the bill.

  • The blessing "Next year in Jerusalem." is obviously a Zionist plot to take over the world. Especially when you consider that Jews already in Jerusalem use the blessing "Okay, we're in Jerusalem. Nice. How about next year we take over the entire world?"

So have a safe Passover, and watch out for Kaddeshed drivers.

Rating: 1.7/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (22) | Know Thy Enemy
Time to Put the Rumors to Rest
Posted by Frank J. at 09:13 AM | Email This

NASA has announced a plan to crash a probe into the moon with a collision so violent it should be visible from earth. I don't want people misinterpreting the purpose of this mission. I know many you think that, just because I'm a paid consultant to both NASA and the DOD for this project that was authorized by the President and is being overlooked by the Secretary of Defense, think that this mission is a precursor to "nuking the moon." That idea is so insane, it's crazy. The mission, as stated, is to simply find water.

"Why is a huge collision needed to find water?" you may ask.

Well, when looking for water, you want to give it a 110%. That means a huge explosion.

And why do we need moon water?

Yes, it may seem like we have plenty of water here on earth since two-thirds of the planet is covered in it, but the present consumption of bottled water is not going to meet up with supply. And where can we get more water? Mars? Mars is too far away. We need moon water.

So, this NASA mission is all about water on the moon, so put all your ideas about nuking the moon to rest. That idea is so crazy, it's insane.

Now, completely off-topic, if I were in charge of the design of a nuclear payload to crash into the natural satellite of some planet, what do you think should be written on it in big letters? I was going to go with "Eat this, moon hippies!" but I'd like to have some alternates for my upcoming presentation.

Rating: 2.3/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (21) | Best of IMAO 2006
April 10, 2006
First pitch
Posted by Laurence Simon at 10:53 PM | Email This

According to the AP, Vice President Dick Cheney is throwing out the first pitch in the Washington Nationals home opener this week.

No, Harry Whittington will not be catching.

Rating: 2.8/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (4)
24 Day 5 - 11:00 p.m.
Posted by sarahk at 09:17 PM | Email This

Graphic violence - yay, another main character will die this week. FRANK: Sweetie, they've said the graphic violence warning every week this season. SARAHK: Yeah, and a main character has died almost as often.

Previously on 24: Mr. F took over CTU, SexHarassman acted like an insecure worm, Audrey had to explain herself to Chloe, Wayne questioned Evelyn, Evelyn used the Kidnapped-Daughter Card (that's such a cliche among aides to first ladies), Robocop and Jack and Wayne had a big shootout, and Evelyn was shot in the leg. No Rico Suave after the first 5 minutes. And President Estro is bossing Robocop around.

Read More...


Rating: 2.9/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (14) | SarahK's TV stuff
some things never change . . .
Posted by Frank J. at 08:24 PM | Email This

It was nice to see that Jacques Chirac solved the Youth Jobs Law controversy by resorting to that tried and true French institution: surrender. Of course, Chirac characterized it as "replacing" one provision for another. Yeah, kind of like when Nazi soldiers "replaced" French soliders in Paris in 1940.

nvrchange.jpg

Rating: 2.2/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Top Ten Reasons for Coming to America Illegally
Posted by Frank J. at 04:40 PM | Email This

People love America... they love it so much that they're flowing over the border as I type. So why do people come here illegally?

TOP TEN REASONS FOR COMING TO AMERICA ILLEGALLY

10. Lines for immigrating into the U.S. almost as bad as lines at the DMV.

9. Just want to get away from those hordes of attack Chihuahuas.

8. You always get hassled just because you're on the terrorist watch list.

7. Have a few pounds to lose, and you figured the jog across the border will do you good.

6. Coyotes are some of the most interesting people to chat with when locked up in the back of a truck.

5. Just tired of pretending to like that gay sport soccer.

4. Authentic Mexican food is okay, you really prefer Taco Bell.

3. ďThat's your minimum wage!Ē

2. Your friend Cesar snuck over years ago, and now he's rich and famous for walking the dogs of spoiled celebrities.

Read More...


Rating: 1.8/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (13)
Asky Editor Ducky (Filling in for the NY Times)
Posted by RightWingDuck at 04:36 PM | Email This

I found a link on Michelle Malkin's blog about the NY Times taking questions from readers. Boring!! They're not going to answer any of the good, hard hitting questions. That's MY job!!

"By what authority?" you might be asking. Well, right now, millions of Latinos are marching through the streets to rally around a cause. Do you know what that cause is?

That's right. My Birthday.

Somebody as popular as I am must be endowed with some sort of authority, so as of this moment I, Editor Duck, will field all those questions you would normally write to the NYT Editor.

Fire away no question is too tough. As my people say "Si, Si Se Puede!"

Please start all questions with "Dear Editor Ducky"

Rating: 2.9/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (38)
Like Something Out of a Horror Movie!
Posted by Frank J. at 03:42 PM | Email This

Man, I've been stuck in a little room all day writing a report and working with an Excel sheet. I didn't have any coffee or food or a radio, and I thought I was going to go mad.

Yeah, yeah, I know you want the funny and not excuses. Well, sorry; excuses are easier. Anyway, I'll check the news and see if I can hack something together...

Rating: 2.0/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Jews vs. Porn
Posted by Laurence Simon at 11:42 AM | Email This

Apparently, there's a group of ultra-orthodox commandos out there hacking Hebrew porn sites.

I guess someone translated Leviticus 11 wrong again. It's supposed to be a prohibition against consuming pork, not consuming movies and photos of porking.

Rating: 2.1/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (2)
My Birthday: Another year wiser? Yeah, right!
Posted by RightWingDuck at 10:53 AM | Email This

Yay, me!

Today is my birthday. Wish me happy brithday!!

:: shakes fist::

I think you'll agree that the world is a better place with me in it. Right?

Agree with me!

:: shakes fist ::

I want to thank those those who visited the RWD site and contributed to my B-Day fund. Specifically, I want to thank BOTH of them. Sheesh, you'd think I'd be more popular...

Last night I had a wonderful revelation. My daughter and I spend a lazy Sunday afternoon at Borders bookstore, sitting on the floor of the kids book section, reading away. I was reading Dave Barry (my writing idol) and she was reading her Magic Treehouse series. After about 20 minutes, my whole body was numb from sitting on the floor. She suggested we find a couch. Smart girl. Anyway, she bounced up and skipped to a couch nearby. I took about five minutes of trying to loosen my joints. Unable to shake it all out, I ended up crawling to that couch on all fours. Really, it couldn't have been more humliating if a nearby toddler had tried to crawl up on my back to play horsey.

So I realized that getting older means getting older. I'm not happy about that. But rather than focus on the bad, I'm grateful for the blessings that I do have:

RWD's Blessings..

I have most of my hair. Sure, it's on the outer edges of my head, but I have most of it. And the ear supply seems to be increasing!

I have two wonderful kids. Last night, baby boy was crying and I went to check on him. Turns out that one of the diaper tabs had broken. Had I not caught this, this morning would not have been so happy. Or so clean.

I get to write at one of the craziest, whackiest websites in the world. . And at IMAO, too!

I've never tracked it, but I'm sure I have at least 10 IMAO readers who read my stuff faithfully.

My wife still loves me. I don't know what I do, but she does. That is soooo coool.

It's been ages since the dog had an accident in the house. Excellent.

Sure, the family is flat broke, but everyone is healthy. Still, we wish we had money.

I think I'd give up a limb for $10,000.

I think, I'm not sure. Depends on the limb.

If it weren't for politics, I'd have nothing to laugh at. Embarassingly enough, real life is starting to eclipse anything I could make up!

Think about this: The French youth are rioting because nobodty will give them job security!

It used to be a good thing when a young man would say, "I'm here to set your business on fire!"

Now, it's a standard part of the riot process.

Coffee! Coffee has to be counted as a blessing in my life. What would I do without it?

I'm sure I'm missing something.

Oh yeah. I have to take this day and thank God for the gift of life. Today is the only day I have, I might not get another one. But I'm glad I keep getting them and getting them.

**

Happy Birthday to Me!


Rating: 1.6/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (22)
April 08, 2006
Help Frank Get His Bona Fides
Posted by Frank J. at 05:07 PM | Email This

I know I probably shouldn't be asking for favors after not delivering "teh funny" the past couple days (in my defense, how was I supposed to compete with things such as Iranian Missile Command?), but it looks like there might be some interest in my short story. It still needs edits, though, and that's where I need some help. I need some people willing to give it a critical look over and help spot the areas that could be improved. The story is here and comments on the story go here. First take a look at Paula Goodlett's comments as a starting point.

Thanks you to all those who have already commented. More funny is coming soon, BTW.

Rating: 1.8/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (7)
Coming soon to a theater near you . . .
Posted by Frank J. at 12:09 PM | Email This

IMAOTEHMOV13.jpg

I came across this really cool website, where you upload a picture and it tells you what famous people you look like. It's fun to play around with. It can be hard to get on during peak hours, but I highly recommend a visit: http://www.myheritage.com/

Here are some potential actors for an IMAO movie . . .

Read More...


Rating: 2.3/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (24) | Best of IMAO 2006
April 07, 2006
A Message To Instapundit
Posted by Harvey at 09:54 PM | Email This

(A Filthy Lie)

When Glenn received a copy of "King Dork" in the mail, his secretary wondered if someone was maybe trying to tell him something.

Which leads me to wonder what I should send to drop him a hint. A sort of subtle intervention, as it were.

For example...



This book says "it's time for you to get some help for your liquified canine addiction":

***

hobo message.jpg

This book says "your last human sacrifice managed to leave a trail of clues, although you would've gotten away with it if it handn't been for those meddling kids."

***

what would satan do.jpg

This book says, "if you're going to practice a religion, then practice it religiously."

***

This giant flag featuring every protester's favorite dead 3-letter-name commie says "Mao is SOOOOOO 20th century. Get hip. Get trendy. Get sex from slutty hippy chicks. Get Che."

***

combat.jpg

This book says "if you're going to punch Frank J., for Heaven's sake, do it right."

***

robot_funk_2.jpg

This CD says "how you dance is none of our business, but please do it in the privacy of your own home".

***

penguins.jpg

This 2006 Calendar says "I won't judge you, even though I disagree with your 'choice of lifestyle'"

***

nuke the moon t-shirt.jpg

And finally, this T-shirt says "wear one of these, and people will stop calling you King Dork."



Any messages YOU'D like to send to Instapundit?

Rating: 1.3/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (4) | Filthy Lies
Today's Message...
Posted by RightWingDuck at 01:06 PM | Email This

I'd like to mention a few important milestones:

The smaller milestone: Monday will be my birthday!! Mark that on your calendars and try to convince your bosses that it's a special relgious holiday. I have a special birthday request at the RightWingDuck website. Please visit.

Secondly - and this is HUGE - IMAO passed the 5 millionth visitor mark today.

This is truly humbling. It means that at least a couple of thousand people have read my humor columns: The other 4.99 million Are Google searches for various people naked. And kinky things with animals.

Remember: IMAO is the only humor website proven to lower your cholesterol! **

IMAO:The Happiest Place On Earth!! ***

**This statement not evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration and the Department of Motor Vehicles.

*** I hope the people at Disney don't read this.

Rating: 1.7/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (12)
Number one with a bullet (dug out of a looter's leg)
Posted by Laurence Simon at 12:33 PM | Email This

Sports Illustrated did another one of their Top Ten photo lists today featuring the ten toughest places to play in the NFL...

Read More...


Rating: 2.3/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (8)
The Weekly "Sorry, But I'm Busy" Post
Posted by Frank J. at 12:28 PM | Email This

Sorry, but I've been really busy the past couple days with a bunch of tedious number crunching. Still, I plan to write and release the next IMAO Newsletter over the weekend and promise to put "teh funny" in it. So, make sure you're signed up.

My head hurts. I'm going to go drink more coffee now.

Rating: 2.8/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (3)
nausea machine . . .
Posted by Frank J. at 09:51 AM | Email This

. . . no, not this . . .

this . . .

Read More...


Rating: 2.0/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (7)
Friday Catblogging
Posted by Laurence Simon at 09:17 AM | Email This

Since it's Friday, I thought I'd spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka "I-MEOW").

Sure, some of the IMAO bloggers have cats, but apparently I'm the only one of them mad enough to Friday Catblog. Is there anything more mad than catblogging?

Anyway, it's time for Fencekitty Piper:

If you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Piper is... um...

Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.

(For more animal goodness, try Friday Ark today and Carnival of the Cats Sunday, so send your catblogging links to submissions @ carnivalofthecats.com.)

Rating: 2.5/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (18) | Friday Cat-Blogging
What This World Needs Is a Good Story of a Cowboy Fighting a Dragon
Posted by Frank J. at 09:03 AM | Email This

I thought I'd give my fantasy western short story one more shot before moving on. Thus, I've submitted to the Baen's Universe (an SF magazine) one more time.

You can read it here and comment on it here. Please do read and comment on it (it takes a short registration) as it makes me look good and helps get me noticed (and you get to see my last name for the curious). I'll always keep blogging, but I need to get some traditional writer bona fides. I know you all want to help me as then you'll be able to say to people, "I was reading Frank J. back when he was only somewhat famous; you only knew him after he was super-famous."


Rating: 2.0/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (13)
Carnival Of Comedy Slackers #49 is Up af Radioactive Liberty
Posted by spacemonkey at 08:27 AM | Email This

Carnival of Comedy #49 had no host, but Fitch of Radioactive Liberty volunteered at the last minute and saved the day. Yay, Fitch!

Visit the Carnival of Slackers where he takes all the non-hosts (us) to task for not hosting.

If your work is featured in the Carnival, remember to link to it, real unslacker like.

Thanks to Fitch we have ourselves a carnival!

Ad we NEED HOSTS! I'll be hosting the anniversary (52nd) Carnival, but the rest are open! This could be your chance to be somebody!

Carnival of Comedy Schedule
# - Host
50- A4G
51- Almost Average
52- spacemonkey - It will be at IMAO, though.
53- AbbaGav
54- Dr Phat Tony
55- Nobody

Thanks again to Fitch.

Rating: 2.1/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (3) | Why Me Laugh?
April 06, 2006
Iranian Missile Command
Posted by Laurence Simon at 04:27 PM | Email This

A lot of people are getting concerned about the daily announcements of nuclear weapons research, guided missiles, radar-avoiding missiles, flying invisible boats, and super-cavitating torpedoes coming out of the Islamic Republic of Iran these days. Thank goodness that we've got the largest and best-equipped military in all the world, right?

Well, maybe not. Iran is letting the Zionist-controlled world know that they won't be as easy of a pushover as Saddam was in 2003:

"The missile command of the Guards' naval force ... via positioning various types of surface-to-sea missiles, is able, while defending the coastlines and islands, to confront any extra-territorial invasion," the official Islamic Republic News Agency quoted Safavi as saying.

This begs the question: What does the Iranian Missile Command look like, anyway?

Read More...


Rating: 3.0/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (20) | Best of IMAO 2006
Review: Newest Google Map is Lacking in Detail, Features
Posted by spacemonkey at 11:52 AM | Email This

In my opinion the newest google map deal is just useless, it doesn't even go down to street level nor does it give driving directions. There is no way to find businesses nearby,just maps. That's all there is, maps.

And something's wrong with the map color scheme too, everything appears all rainbowy.

See for yourself.

Seems to me like, I don't know, RED would be predominant. Good thing it's free is all I have to say.

Rating: 2.0/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (22)
Shimon sings the Jew Blues
Posted by Laurence Simon at 10:13 AM | Email This

Labor Kadima Prime Minister Foreign Minister Deputy Prime Minister MK Shimon Peres appears to be throwing a Karaoke party in his office in this AP photo:

So what song is he singing?

Rating: 1.5/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (49)
April 05, 2006
McKinney Supports Capitol Hill Police
Posted by Harvey at 09:05 PM | Email This

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

During a press conference today, Congresswoman Cynthia McKinney (D - Georgia) reiterated her support for the Capitol Hill Police.

"Those CHP are my favorite people ever," McKinney said, "I have all 6 seasons on DVD."

"Plus," she added, "you have to admit - Ponch has the dreamiest smile."

At this point Rep. McKinney was pelted with a barrage of rotten vegetables, leaving her unable to comment on whether she also supports Wilmer Valderrama's assumption of Erik Estrada's role in the movie scheduled for release in 2008.

Rating: 2.6/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (12) | Precision Guided Humor Assignments
It's not hard to multitask . . .
Posted by Frank J. at 09:00 PM | Email This

. . . when you have four telepathically-controlled, telescoping, titanium tentacles coming out of your back!

spidermawn2.jpg

Rating: 3.1/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (22)
Fun Trivia
Posted by spacemonkey at 04:26 PM | Email This

Who wins a French Civil war?

Read More...


Rating: 2.3/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (16) | Fun Trivia
How DHS caught Brian J. Doyle
Posted by Laurence Simon at 02:28 PM | Email This

Q: How did the Department of Homeland Security catch Brian J. Doyle cruising the Internet for minors, anyway?

Read More...


Rating: 1.5/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (14)
In My World: A Smashing Success Against Iran
Posted by Frank J. at 12:58 PM | Email This

"Nothing better than a day at the beach," President Bush said as he waded in the water. "Well, maybe a barbecue is better. And I certainly like talking to myself as if to set the scene for some unknown observer."

Suddenly, he felt something.

"What just brushed against my leg?" Bush demanded as he pulled out his .45 revolver. He then shot the large object he saw swimming past him. It soon exploded.

"You better explode if you're going to touch me!" Bush yelled.

An aide yelled from shore, "You just stopped an Iranian missile attack!"

"Of course I did," Bush responded. "I stop lot's of things." He paused for a moment. "Except for runaway spending and illegal immigrants."

* * * *

Bush had a meeting in his war room. "Clancy, you're some sort of intelligence guy, right?"

"You don't have the clearance for me to answer that," said a man who may or may not have been named Clancy.

"Aren't I cleared for everything?"

"You're supposed to think that," Clancy answered Bush.

"Can you at least tell me about Iranian weapons technology?"

"Again, you don't have the clearance to know whether you're allowed to know about Iranian weapons technology," Clancy replied. "I will show you what we know about Iranian weapons technology, but do not construe it as an answer to whether you're allowed to know about Iranian weapons technology. Understand."

"Uh... not at all."

"Excellent." Clancy then showed some slides. "These are pictures of an Iranian underwater missile like President Bush encountered and destroyed. The Iranians also have a flying boat."

"An underwater missile! A flying boat!" Bush exclaimed. "There is so way we can defend against that!" He turned to Condoleezza Rice. "I want you to draft a surrender to the Iranians. See if they'll take Minnesota as a peace offering."

"Bah!" Rumsfeld shouted out. "Back in my day, if the enemy got shinier toys, we'd just smash them with bats."

"Brilliant idea!" Bush shouted. "Thinking like that is the reason I've yet to fire you! Let's get some bats and smash things good!" Bush turned to Condi again. "Will this affect us diplomatically?"

"I'm tired of diplomacy," Condi answered. "Let's smash stuff!"

"How does Iranian weapons make you feel?" Rumsfeld asked his rottweiler Chomps.

Chomps growled and snapped at the air.

"It seems to make him angry... very angry," Bush observed. "Well, let's get to this. Cheney, you hold up shop while we're gone. If anyone asks where we are, you shoot him in the face with a shotgun to change the subject."

"Go @#$% yourself."

"That's my Cheney!"

* * * *

"If the map Clancy gave us is correct, that's the Iranian weapons research facility," Bush said as he, Rumsfeld, Condi, and Chomps hid in the bushes and the darkness of night, bats at the ready. "We better move quick; they're baseball bat-proofing their research tomorrow."

"I see a security camera," Condi remarked.

"Don't worry; I have a plan," Bush stated. He then walked up to the camera and smashed it with his bat. "My plan worked! Let roll!"

They charged into the building and began smashing everything they saw with bats as Chomps tore things apart with his teeth. "Smashy-smashy!" Bush yelled as he hit some computers.

When they were done trashing the place, Chomps coughed up a radiation warning label.

"I think he swallowed some plutonium," Rumsfeld said. "That won't settle his stomach well."

"He just better not grow fifty-feet tall and destroy cities," Bush declared.

A man then entered the room. "What's going on here?!"

"It's an Ayatollah!" Bush shouted. "Let's smash him good!"

"Rarr!" Rumsfeld yelled as he charged the man.

* * * *

"Iranian officials say that much of their research and numerous Ayatollahs were smashed in the attack," the news anchor said. "Iranians say the crime was perpetrated by..."

Bush braced himself.

"...the Jews!"

Bush turned off the TV as he let out a sigh of the relief. "It's good we have Jews around to take all the blame for everything." He turned to an aide. "How are my poll numbers doing?"

"They're down."

Bush shook his fist in the air. "Jooooos!"

Rating: 2.8/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (18) | In My World
Progress marches on, and occasionally stops to molest children
Posted by Laurence Simon at 10:22 AM | Email This

Okay, so this might look bad for the Bush Administration and the whole "tough on terrorism" kind of thing:

A deputy press secretary for the U.S. Department of Homeland Security was charged with using a computer to seduce a child after authorities said he struck up sexual conversations with an undercover detective posing as a 14-year-old girl.

Brian J. Doyle, 55, the fourth-ranking official in the department's public affairs office, was expected to be placed on administrative leave Wednesday.

But think of it for a minute. There's a bright side to all of this that people are overlooking. That computer that Brian Doyle used was most likely a garden-variety PC with an inexpensive broadband connection, available to people of nearly every income level these days.

Let's go back for a moment, shall we?

Read More...


Rating: 2.5/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (22)
Michelle Malkin: Evil Mutant Blogger?
Posted by Frank J. at 08:54 AM | Email This

A law professor has PROOF - proof with NUMBERS AND TIMES - that no mortal human can do the blogging that Michelle Malkin does. Malkin certainly does blog a lot for someone who reportedly HAS NEVER DRANK A PUPPY SMOOTHIE! Malkin responds to these charges - perhaps responds to the them TOO WELL!

I can only conclude that the way that Malkin can write columns, write books, appear on TV, and blog is that SHE IS SOME SORT OF MUTANT BLOGGER! This is indisputable for I HAVE WRITTEN IT IN CAPS! If Malkin uses a mutant tentacle to SUCK YOUR BRAINS OUT AND BLOG YOUR THOUGHTS, please tell IMAO so WE MAY WARN OTHERS!

Rating: 2.7/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (16)
The Hippies, The
Posted by Harvey at 08:34 AM | Email This

Via Freedom Folks, I found the BEST car commercial EVER.

Oh, it's not something they'll ever air. More of a fan film, really.

On the other hand, considering that Vault has made it acceptable to fire lasers at hippies, maybe this thing might come to the small screen after all.

UPDATE: The extra-happy 60-second version of the Vault scarecrow commercial.

Rating: 2.5/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (9)
It's Civil War: Time to Withdraw!
Posted by RightWingDuck at 02:42 AM | Email This

As I turn off my television set, those images of mindless violence have become seared, seared into my mind. I watch those scenes of mayhem as young men fight against each other, then smash windows and set vehicles on fire. Sure, we went in under the guise of liberating a country, but now as it descends into what clearly appears to be a civil war, we have to look into our collective soul and ask ourselves:

Is It Time for the United States to Withdraw from France?

Was it reasonable to think we could take this country and instill in them our American values?

In America, our people riot for good reasons such as victories by our favorite sports teams. In France, young people riot because the government refuses them the right to complete job security. So they set about burning, looting, thrashing, and asking themselves a very important questions such as: "Why can't they offer us more money?" and "When will people respect our decisions?" and the really important one-: "I wonder if I can put this on my resume?"

This highlights an important difference in cultural mindset.

America has always been that shining light upon the hill, and sometimes we thought that France could follow our example. For a while, we thought they were, except it turns out that their shining light on the hill was really a burning Renault.

Right now, many French labor unions are on strike: transportation workers, teachers, and government workers. That is their right: every employee, by law, is allowed 7 paid days for general social mayhem.

And that leads us to an important point: The French see the concept of work completely different than America does. Here in America, we value honesty, integrity, and hard work more than we value anything else: especially personal gain. Witness the success of American firms such as WorldCom, Arthur Andersen, and, most recently, General Motors.

Sure we take time off around here: we get two weeks vacation, and a few special holidays. In France, most workers get six weeks of paid vacation. Additionally, they enjoy many special holidays such as: Day of the Worker, Recovery Day from Day of the Worker, Ramadan, Jerry Lewis' Birthday (which they celebrate happily and loudly) the birthday of Marcel Marceau (which for some reason they celebrate quietly), and a special holiday called Lundi.

Now France is burning, nobody is working, and President Chirac's polling numbers are so bad that President Bush called him asking, "Which country did YOU invade?!"

So let us leave France to fight this civil war that, I'm sure, we can only blame on America. We demand the immediate withdrawal of American troops before more French cars are lost. Let France, under the guidance of Secular Providence and Shariah law, rebuild itself. Sure, one day they might buckle under to the Muslim youth, but at least they can face them head on and repeat the words of the famous Marcel Marceau when they say: " "

Let these young people have the lifetime employment they deserve. Many of them don't do windows, but that's okay. At this point: there aren't that many windows left.

Rating: 2.5/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (7) | Editorials
April 04, 2006
American Idol 5 Top 9
Posted by sarahk at 11:41 PM | Email This

Kenny Rogers! Yay! Wow, he looks fantastic. Actually, not so much like Kenny, but I know that's Kenny, because it's his voice. Lots of plastic surgery? Anyway, who cares, it's Kenny, and I don't care if he gets Dolly's boobs put on his body, as long as he can still sing.

Read More...


Rating: 2.2/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (9) | SarahK's TV stuff
Questions For McKinney
Posted by spacemonkey at 10:12 PM | Email This

This was written by an IMAO regular and my friend Shane.

After about three semesters of college, I became convinced Computer Engineering was the wrong field for me, mainly because I was failing my basic engineering courses and getting high marks in 400 level English Literature classes as a Freshman and Sophomore. For a brief time (read "about 2 days") I wondered if I shouldn't change my degree to Journalism and become a reporter. Thankfully, that fever brokefeeling subsided and I came to my better senses. I earned a major in Religion with a minor in English.

Still, I have these moments, especially while watching (or more likely reading about) any press conference involving a politician, where I wish for one brief moment that I had scratched the journalism itch. I can't help but think I could come up with much better questions to ask. Much more pertinent questions, grounded in the generally shared reality, rather than the substitutional reality shared by most major media reporter types.

Such a case came up this morning, while reading about Georgia IdiotRepresentative Cynthia McKinney. Given her history, and the apparent facts in the case, I've compiled a short list of questions that Journalist Me would have asked, given the chance.

Read More...


Rating: 2.5/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (8)
A Brief History of Iran
Posted by Frank J. at 03:47 PM | Email This

Since Iran is in the news so much, I thought I'd educate with a brief history of the country.

A BRIEF HISTORY OF IRAN

Long, long ago, an explorer headed out east. He didn't make it to the far east, but he did make it to the middle of the east. He decided to settle the land since that was easier than heading back. His name was Josh Iran, and he named the area after himself. It was a great land, and the people grew many trees, flowers, and caterpillars and spent their free time driving though the desert in dune buggies. Then came the radical Islamists who said, "Mohammed told us to kill whoever doesn't believe what Mohammed says!" Many were opposed to these people, though. And there was much kung fu fighting. Neither side had an advantage, but then Jimmy Carter was elected President of the United States and instantly everything in the world was screwed up. Thus, the radical Islamist took over, and the Ayatollahs, who fashioned themselves after ZZ Top, the most feared band ever, ruled with an iron fist. When not kicking kittens, they help fund terrorist and seek nuclear weapons - like all evil people. This continues to this day and won't stop until we smack them around a bit.

Rating: 1.5/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (20)
The Royal Shaft
Posted by Laurence Simon at 12:00 PM | Email This

Cynthia McKinney has now admitted that she gave the taxpayers the royal shaft by spending $1,000 of their money to fly Isaac Hayes down to Atlanta to dedicate a new office building.

Or did she?

Using the money to pay for Hayes' airline ticket and hotel expenses is a violation of strict congressional rules. Those rules state that taxpayer money can only be used for "travel by Members, Members' employees and vendors. A vendor is an employee of a private company that provides maintenance and support for equipment and software..."

Watchdog groups call taxpayer-funded celebrity travel a blatant waste of taxpayer money.

McKinney staffers say they will reimburse the congressional fund for the cost of Hayes' flight and hotel room.

Now according to Dictionary.com, vendor means:

n : someone who promotes or exchanges goods or services for money [syn: seller, marketer, vender, trafficker]

Hrm... let's take a look at Hayes' official biography:

Instead of a palace, he built an 8,000 square foot educational facility through his Isaac Hayes Foundation (IHF). He is most certainly the only King on earth with an Oscar, Grammy awards, #1 gold records, his voice on an animated tv series, a radio show, two restaurants, a best-selling cookbook, and top secret barbecue sauces.

Aha. This was a trade mission for top secret barbecue sauces. Might even involve the CIA there, or at least Homeland Security to protect that recipe. Tasty enough to slap your momma, or at least a Captiol Police cop.

But wait, it gets better. Scroll up a paragraph to find:

In the spring 2003, one year after his induction into the Rock and Roll Hall Of Fame and a celebrated move back home to Memphis, the public persona of Isaac Hayes is surging forward with a momentum usually associated with teen popstars and visiting royalty. In fact, Hayes is resident royalty for more than a decade, a coronated King of the Ada coastal district of Ghana in western Africa where he is a member of the Royal Family.

That's right. It's not just a trade mission to protect our country's valuable barbecue sauce assets, but it's a diplomatic mission shuttling this Ghanian royalty around.

Thank goodness Cynthia McKinney was there to provide transportation to Isaac Hayes, since apparently Kofi and Kojo Annan were too busy shredding documents to escort his king around.

On behalf of all white people, I apologize to Cynthia McKinney... but damn, girl. Do something about that hair!

Rating: 1.8/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Who Will Pick the Beans?
An Editorial by Frank J.
Posted by Frank J. at 10:48 AM | Email This

 Many people are for deporting all the illegal immigrants, but none of those people seem prepared to answer the fundamental question: Who will pick the beans?

 We are a country, a country of many beans in need of picking. But I am not going to pick those beans. You are not going to pick those beans. That leaves only the illegal immigrants left to pick our beans. Those beans will not pick themselves - that is a scientifically established fact. While self-picking beans are being genetically engineered, they have so far killed many goats in tests - not because the beans are poison, but because the bean plants killed and ate the goats. So, while we may strive towards a utopia of self-picking beans, it will turn into a dystopia if we live in constant fear of being killed and eaten by bean plants.

"Those beans will not pick themselves - that is a scientifically established fact."

 So, since the beans will not pick themselves without great danger to humanity, who will pick them when the illegal immigrants are gone? Some say prisoners should pick those beans; if you commit a crime, then you are sentenced to a life of bean picking. But do we really want prisoner beans? Prisoners are by their nature thieves and thus will steal our beans (or assault them). This is not a solution at all.

 Can monkeys be trained to pick the beans? I don't care if they can, because I will not eat beans picked by filthy monkeys. Monkeys should be locked in cages and kept away from our precious beans.

 Other suggest robots be made to pick the beans, but it would take quite advanced robots to be know the intricacies of bean picking. Such robots will inevitably turn on us, and we will not be able to stop them. Robots are made of metal, and shooting them will do no good. Soon, we will be their slaves, and then we will all have to pick the beans for the robots' evil purposes.

 So, while some may say we should just deport all the illegal immigrants, they are only giving half the solution to the problem unless those people also have an answer for who will pick the beans. Actually, it's less than half the solution because, as a wise man once said, 90% of life is picking beans, and only 10% is getting into America illegally.

Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as "Who Will Feed the Dog?" and "Beans: The Vanguard of Civilization".

Rating: 1.6/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (29) | Best of IMAO 2006 ~ | Editorials
I'm Alarmed
Posted by Frank J. at 09:30 AM | Email This

So, the Iranians have missiles that go in the water and a boat that flies. I think this means that they obviously want to turn the world backwards crazy and must be stopped before tails start wagging dogs!

Rating: 2.2/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (10)
About the Twist from the End of 24 Last Night
Posted by Frank J. at 09:19 AM | Email This

How does that make sense?

Rating: 3.3/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (14)
April 03, 2006
24 Day 5 - 10:00 p.m.
Posted by sarahk at 10:52 PM | Email This

Previously on 24, there was a shootout, and Aaron grabbed Wayne and took him away. Jack interrogated Audrey until she asked about their relationship, and then he just freaking gave up, because he couldn't stand to talk to her. But later they played kissy-face, and I yelled at the TV. Man-Girl told Jack where the nerve gas was going. Jack said it had to be incinerated. Chloe yelled at Jack to get out of there, man. Oh no! Is Jack dead? No, Keifer's still in the opening credits, so I'm going with not dead yet.

BTW, last week, one of my commenters made a good point: If all it takes is incinerate the virus, then who cares if it goes out to people's houses? They're going to use the gas by incinerating it anyway... so big deal.

Read More...


Rating: 2.9/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (11) | SarahK's TV stuff
Who Do Voodoo? Penn Do, You Too!
Posted by spacemonkey at 03:58 PM | Email This

So, Sean Penn 'violates' an Ann Coulter 'voodoo' doll on a regular basis?

Well, isn't that nice? I guess we all grieve in our own way. But since he seems to have put the loss of his brother behind him, why can't the rest of us torture a doll of HIM in Miss Coulter's defense? (I own one of her books..)

Why, we CAN! Don't you miss out on the all the voodoo fun! Order your Sean Penn voodoo doll today.

Pins, personal photographer and cigarette lighter sold separately.

Rating: 2.3/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 03:48 PM | Email This

The police officer who was struck by Rep. Cynthia McKinney after he stopped her from walking past security unchecked claims he didn't recognize her. How likely is that story?

Read More...


Rating: 2.6/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (10) | Fun Trivia
Bush Was... Something
Posted by spacemonkey at 12:53 PM | Email This

This video seems to have a positive message about Bush. But I can't seem to make it out.
Watch it and tell me if you can find the message. Its just a little too subtle for me.

Bush: was a'ight? in a fight? cured of over bite? I dunno.

(Embedded player not working for ya? Watch it at Youtube.)

Catchy tune, huh?

Rating: 1.8/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (11)
News UPDATE!!!!
Posted by RightWingDuck at 12:13 PM | Email This

CongressMckinn1.jpg

In a surprise statement today, Congresswoman Cynthia McKinney, a Democrat, announced her innocence regarding charges that she punched a cop. Stated the Congresswoman, ďAlthough I have no moral judgment regarding the punching of law enforcement personnel, I want to state that this is a case of mistaken identity. I would never punch somebody just because theyíre trying to enforce the rules and regulations that are designed to keep me safe.Ē

The congresswoman went on to state her support for those who enforce the law.

As a result of this press conference, law enforcement officials have looked at the videotape of the event and have now identified a new suspect.

Be on the lookout for this person...

Read More...


Rating: 2.7/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (13) | Newsish Fakery
Anyone Touching or Standing Near a Foreign Flag Must Be Shot
An Editorial by Frank J.
Posted by Frank J. at 12:01 PM | Email This

 When I saw on the news that people were marching in Los Angeles and waving Mexican flags, my first reaction was, "Oh no! The Mexicans are invading! Where is the national guard to shoot all these people?"

 It ends up, though, that this was allowed since it was considered "free speech." That's crazy. Free speech is for Americans, and these people were holding Mexican flags and thus declaring their allegiance with Mexico. Anyone who waves a foreign flag in America is obviously declaring war on us and must be shot.

 "What about St. Patrick's Day?" you might ask.

 Well, obviously not on that day, but any other day a foreign flag means war against America, and the people possessing the flags or near them must be shot before we get all invaded. As we learned from Iraq, it's hard to root out people once they're hidden in a society.

 "But isn't waving a foreign flag just showing a little cultural pride?" you might say.

"If someone is so proud of a country, then go there and wave its flag."

 That's extra crazy! If someone is so proud of a country, then go there and wave its flag. If those people were so proud of Mexico, why don't they just go back to Mexico and improve it so it's someplace everyone doesn't want to flee from. The people marching here waving Mexican flags obviously have no pride in Mexico since they fled that country and want to declare war on us out of frustration.

 "What about Jews with Israeli flags to show support of that country? Should we shoot them?"

 Of course not. Jews have a Zionist conspiracy and will shoot you right back. Use some common sense. I doubt the Mexicans have any such conspiracy or they wouldn't need to flee their country for below minimum wage jobs.

 Then again, it could be the biggest conspiracy ever!

 "How about Cubans in Florida and all their flags?"

 That's a completely different situation. Those people are refugees since their country went all Commie. Don't you have any sympathy for the plight of others?

 "Well, what about Puerto Ricans?"

 Puerto Rico is part of America, dumbass... or, at least I think it is. Anyway, do some research before shooting anyone.

 "This sounds like white supremacy propaganda."

 That's ignorant. If my stance was "shoot Latinos," that's what I'd title this piece. I'm for shooting anyone of any race waving foreign flags in America. If there are any white people waving Mexican flags, I'd shoot them too. Actually, I'd shoot them first because that is kinda suspicious.

 "What about shooting people at Italian restaurants? Those usually have Italian flags."

 The mob usually handles shooting those places up, so I wouldn't worry about it.

 "Then how about Mexican restaurants?"

 Not if they're any good. Do you know how hard it is to find good Mexican food where I live in Florida?

 "Should Americans waving American flags in foreign countries be shot?"

 Don't be stupid. Everyone in the world should have pride in America; the only reason the world is not all exploded is because of us. Anyone who shoots someone with an American flag should be shot and also all those around the person should be shot.

 "What if someone is in America and holding a foreign flag to burn it?"

 Again, use common sense. Burning a foreign flag in America is completely acceptable. But, if you see someone waving a foreign flag and you call him on it and he pulls out a lighter and says, "I was just about to burn it," that person is both foreign and a liar and should be shot twice.

 "What caliber should we be shooting people with?"

 Now you're just asking dumb questions; use whatever is available.

 "Hey, don't yell at me. I'm just your own Socratic method of having a conversation with yourself."

 You're stupid. On second thought, don't shoot anyone because I don't think you're responsible enough to handle a gun. Instead, just break the kneecaps of anyone with a foreign flag using a baseball bat. The point is, America is a great country with a nice flag, and we don't want people marching around here with their foreign flags declaring war on us. That's just common sense, and this country could use more common sense and more shooting people with foreign flags.

Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as "If Immigrants Are Good for America, Then Why Are They So Illegal?" and "The Big Book of Legal Defenses for Shooting Someone (Bonus: Defense Ideas for Having Used this Book as a Murder Weapon)".

Rating: 2.7/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (12) | Editorials
How Inadequate is Sean Penn's Manhood?
Posted by Harvey at 11:19 AM | Email This

Judging by the word "we" in the quote from this news story regarding what he does with his Ann Coulter doll:

"We violate her. There are cigarette burns in some funny places. She's a pure snake-oil salesman. She doesn't believe a word she says." [emphasis added]

The answer appears to be "too small to noticably penetrate a small plastic doll without assistance".

[Hat tip to apparently blogless IMAO reader TJ for the suggestion]

Rating: 3.3/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (8)
That's okay. My rat will just get a prostate transplant.
Posted by Laurence Simon at 11:10 AM | Email This

Apparently, rats ingesting meat cooked at high temperatures have an increased the risk of prostate cancer:

A compound formed when meat is charred at high temperatures ó as in barbecue ó encourages the growth of prostate cancer in rats, researchers reported on Sunday.

Their study, presented at a meeting of the American Association for Cancer Research, may help explain the link between eating meat and a higher risk of prostate cancer.

It also fits in with other studies suggesting that cooking meat until it chars might cause cancer.

Hrm... well, that can't be good. I guess that means more veggies on the grill:

Mmmm... stuffed jalapenos on the grill.

And asparagus!

Say what you will about me, but I'm not about to cause rats to die from prostate cancer. No sirree, Bob!

Rating: 4.2/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Underwater Missiles!
Posted by Aquaman at 09:55 AM | Email This

Not sure how to stop a missile!Hello, Aquafans!

I heard about Iran testing new missiles, and my initial reaction was, "Ha! Foolish land-dwelling humans; you sow your own doom."

But then some of my fish friends came up to me and said, "Hey! We saw the missile and it was traveling through the water!"

"Then isn't that a torpedo?" I asked.

"No, it's still like a missile."

"You're just tuna! What the hell do you know other than how to make a good sandwich when mixed with mayo and chopped celery?"

After the tuna were done pummeling me, I indeed confirmed that Iran is working on an underwater missile. So, now everybody is probably expecting me to stop them (you know Superman won't do it since his suit is dry-clean only). Well, I'll try my best, but, if a few missiles get past me, just remember that the ocean is big and I'm only one man in an orange shirt.

This is Aquaman, signing off.

Rating: 2.6/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (11) | Aqua-Adventures ~ | Best of IMAO 2006
Space Lasers and the "Undocumented"
Posted by Frank J. at 09:06 AM | Email This

There are now a couple new designs at the IMAO Store. First, the S.M.I.T.E. Space Laser plans are available as a poster or a t-shirt (be careful who see either). They consist of high resolution versions of the complex design plans from this post and the initial demonstation in this post.

More art should be available in the future including the Hate-Filled Lefty.

Also, from Ducky, we now have undocumented shirts available:

Feedback is always appreciated, especially if you've now gotten an IMAO Store item.

"IMAO: We want your money, and you want to give it to us."

Rating: 1.0/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (9)
 

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