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April 30, 2006
The First Anniversary Carnival Of Comedy
Sorry it's late but it wouldn't be a spacemonkey carnival of comedy if it were on time. Would it?
Pluto's Dad at Eyes On The Ball News presents Chernobyl Radiation Mutates, Creates Super Predators
Michael McCullough (Stingray) presents A somber anniversary: Jimmy Carter and the Killer Rabbit posted at Christianity and mental illness. Pictures included!
Vox Poplar at Vox Poplar Is Right About Everything & Don't You Forget It! presents Top 10 Super Happy Fun Time!
GrrlScientist at Living the Scientific Life (Scientist, Interrupted) presents Teacher Arrested At JFK Airport in NYC
That concludes the 1st Anniversary Edition of the Carnival of Comedy. It's been a good year and lot of laughs. I'm not one to wax nostalgic. So I won't. But thanks to all the hosts, entrants and humor lovers over the past year. You made this the most successful year for the Carnival of Comedy ever!
Update:! I Forgot Bob Orr's Entry! So I added It.
April 29, 2006
Not too long ago, I received an email from Shimauma, one of our frequent commenters. Her daughter, Moonbunny, is a world famous artist. At least she will be one day.
She sent us this comic asking for feedback on her artistic and comic creating abilities. It was simple, juvenile French bashing. SO WE LOVED IT!
I personally encouraged her to continue wih her art. Sigh. They grow up so quickly.
Please check out the work of this aspiring young (12 years old) artist and her creation: Zombie Squirrel.
Some people say that IMAO is written for fourth graders. This is proof that some of our readers have made it beyond sixth grade. SpaceMonkey and I even made it past 8th grade. Or at least most of the way.
So visit please and enjoy.
The New InstaPodcast - Don't Bother
All he does is spend 90 minutes pimping his new book:
On the other hand, I kinda like his new intro music, which is a dozen bars of "How Much Is That Doggie In the Window?" that's cut short by the sound of a blender on "liquefy".
Saturday Open Thread
Unless you want to say or ask something about the Carnival of Comedy, which I am still working on.
I am actually putting some actual time and actual work into it this time so my carnival won't actually suck.
So there. Blather away in the comments.
April 28, 2006
The Mexican Sabbath Day
I've been reading about these so-called "pro-immigration" protests being planned for May 1st by "civil rights activists" and there's something that doesn't quite add up.
Individuals of Mexican descent, whether citizens or legal immigrants or those in the U.S. illegally, are being called upon to refuse to work or engage in any commerce on May 1st in protest of pending bills in Congress that have yet to be emasculated by pro-Amnesty elected officials ignoring the overwhelming will of the American citizenry. You know, to raise awareness of their contributions to society and stuff like that. Or just to get a "goofoff" day off from work or school.
Well, excuse me, but Jews have been doing that kind of thing for over 5,700 years. On a weekly basis, even. And do you see anybody taking us seriously?
No freaking way. We're still getting stabbed, bombed, shot, blown up, and blamed for everything from the plague to RIAA violations. (Okay, faking the Moon Landing was us. But we've learned from our mistakes, and we'll do a better job when we fake the Mars Landing in 2011.)
A Jew testing his Mind Control Laser
before it is launched into orbit over Washington.
Of course, our mistake may have been doing that stuff to coincide with the start of the weekend. I mean, we invented 'Thank G-d It's Friday" for crying out loud. Maybe if we'd do that stuff on a Tuesday or a Thursday, folks would realize the Jewish contributions to society when they have to rearrange their court dates, reschedule surgeries, or the weather gets all out of whack when the Zionist Weather Control Machines are shut down. (Sorry, New Orleans!)
Blogs Can Make a Difference
Here's an update on Andrea Clark. It's nice to see this isn't a partisan issue.
UPDATE: It's taken a turn for the worst since St. Luke's suddenly reneged on taking Andrea. John Hawkins is trying to get more details.
Uno de Mayo
In anticipation of Uno De Mayo protests, I thought I'd remind people of a certain deranged project I worked on last year when the "How To Sneak Into Gringoland" comic book was published and distributed by the Mexican Government:
Remember, folks: the undershorts of Uncle Sam himself are exposed!
Where Did IMAO Go? Ask Saudi Arabia
What's the point of these attacks? We're down a couple hours, and then we're just angrier.
Anyway, make sure to tell everyone you know to visit IMAO and buy lots of merchandise; it's the only way to show the terrorists you won't be intimidated.
So does this count as the first attack against the 101st Fighting Keyboardists?
Since it's Friday, I thought I'd spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka "I-MEOW").
Sure, some of the IMAO bloggers have cats, but apparently I'm the only one of them brilliant enough to combine cats and blogging without blowing them up in a messy explosion of fur and PHP codes.
Anyway, it's time for Frisky the Fluffy:
If you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Frisky is... um...
Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.
April 27, 2006
United 93 opens tomorrow. Here is a review from David Beamer, father of Todd Beamer.
Michelle Malkin has more about the marketing and reactions to the movie, including a new episode of Vent (I previously went over some of the odd reactions to the film, but they seem to be the exception from established movie critics).
The Libertas Blog notes that the ending was changed (well, the words that appear before the credits).
Do We Laugh So We Don't Kill?
Sometime I like to take a break from telling you all what to think to tell you why you think that (Short Answer: Because I told you too). Now, some unwary liberals have stumbled onto conservative humor on some t-shirts from ThoseShirts.com and were quite shocked and appalled by what they saw. Digby feared that our humor meant we mean his ilk real harm, while maha says that this just follows a long line of violent conservative humor rooted in hostility.
She also says there is no such liberal equivalent.
Yeah, yeah; calm down. It's just like the "there's no liberal media" types who basically have King Kong trashing their living room but claim not to be able to see a monkey. But doesn't such obtuseness bring up some hostile feeling in you? Maybe there is a point about right-wing hostility in humor, as, if you look at it, there are a lot of factors out there that can be pushing conservatives like me to a very hostile disposition which I could possibly be reflecting in my humor.
CONTRIBUTING FACTORS TO RIGHT-WING HOSTILITY
* We were able to steal two Presidential election, but unable to rig Presidential approval polls.
* Confusion resulting from that we hate women and minorities, yet love Condoleezza Rice's warmongering and the punditry of Michelle Malkin.
* Our neo-nazi tendencies push us to anti-Semitism, but we're also working on Zionist conspiracies to fight wars solely to benefit Israel.
* Walker: Texas Ranger was canceled years ago.
* Illegal immigrants are stealing our jobs (personally, I have tons of bills to pay for my college education in electrical engineering, so how can I compete with Pedro hanging out by the Radio Shack who will design custom Power-On Reset circuits for $2.00 an hour?).
* We got Halliburton the illegal wars it wanted, but it's yet to deliver on the cheap oil.
All of that combined can lead to quite a bit of hostility, and, subconsciously, that could seep into our humor, our jokes revealing our violent intentions. How can we tell, though?
Obviously, Digby and maha lack any sort of science background to definitively detect latent hostility hiding in humor. Luckily, you have me, and there is no one more scientifical than Frank J.
Now, I contacted the humor department at Carnegie Mellon University (it's an actual university; Google it), and they happen to have specific studies on hostility in humor. It is essential to note that humor is hostile by nature. While it feels good to laugh at something, it feels horrible to be laughed at. Studies have shown that being laughed at activates the same centers of the brain as when one is threatened with a gun (That particular study was done by having some people connected to a brain monitor and then having the entire staff come in the room and laugh at the people for how dumb they looked with all that equipment attached to them. The other test case had people connected to the brain monitor and told they were going to view a series of pictures, but instead Samuel L. Jackson runs into a room, points a gun at the subject, and recites a stylized version of Ezekiel 25:17. The control case had people connected to the brain monitor and just forgotten about until they got angry and left.).
To measure hostility in humor, the Franken Scale is used. It's a linear scale for signifying the amount of latent hostility in a joke and ranges from 1 (no hostility) to 10 ("My name is Ted Rall."). Before we use the Franken Scale on the right-wing humor in question, let's use it on some simple examples so you can familiarize yourself with it. First, let's start with a joke common among many children:
Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
The intent of this joke is to cause the person told to over think what is a simple matter by misdirection through the superfluous mention of a chicken. The humor, thus, is at the expense of the listener to the joke (when measuring hostility, it's important to be sure where the hostility in the joke is directed). Basically, the message of the joke is that you are so stupid you don't know the basic concept of why one crosses a road. That's a somewhat hostile commentary on one's intelligence, but it doesn't directly mean the teller of the joke intends violence in addition to contempt. Thus, this scores a 3 on the Franken scale.
Now, let's look at another common childhood joke:
Now this joke is directed at Vice President Cheney. While it does involve a shotgun blast, that itself is not a marker of hostility (we're concerned if the teller is actually contemplating violence himself, not just talking about it). What the joke is saying is that VP Cheney is so unstable that he'll blast you in the face with a shotgun at the drop of a hat. Someone that unstable would obviously need to be locked away if not shot himself, thus this implies a fair amount of hostility at our VP and gets a 5 on the Franken Scale.
For the next joke, let's use a variation of the first that my father came up with:
Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
Of course, the joke here is at the expense of the filthy, vermin raccoons you always see dead at the side of the road after they became a temporary speed bump. The humor expresses glee at their ignominious demise, but, since it's directed at raccoons, this doesn't count as real hostility and thus this joke rates a 1 on the Franken Scale.
As one last example, let's look at another common childhood joke:
Q. What's black and white and red all over?
Again, this joke is at the expense of who is listening to it. The humor comes from misdirection, getting the listener to think of the color "red" instead of the verb "read." Thus, the message is, "I can control your thinking, you simple piece of @#$%. I can mind-@#$% you in ways you can't even imagine!" Still, it's really just a pun, and would rank a 2 on the Franken Scale except that it's Hitler's favorite joke which bumps it up to a 7.
There is only one joke here using a common phrase ("some assembly required") to whimsically advocate lynching journalists. Now, on the surface, this is very hostile, but, is it latently hostile - does the one making this remark really wish to kill? Well, since it is a joke, that means the idea of actually killing journalists is so extreme it's funny. What is more likely that the joker only dislikes journalist enough to harm them in a lesser way (perhaps a punch to the groin) and then engages in hyperbole to get a laugh. This is clearly a 4 on the Franken Scale.
Now let's look at the other shirt that was designed by me, the Know Thy Enemy: Liberals shirt that is unfortunately out of print:
Before we get to the individual items, let's look at the hostility of the shirt as a whole. It states that liberals are "enemies" which could be hostile unless the items show that to be completely in jest. Also, the humor items are very non-hostilely bullet-pointed so everyone knows where each joke begins and ends. A problem with many liberals is not understanding what is a joke, which especially happens with things like my editorials where not every statement is meant to be humorous. The bulleted joke system is much more accommodating and non-hostile in nature.
On to the bulleted jokes:
* The main diet of the liberal is tofu and granola. This makes them puny and easy to throw.
Throwing someone is an extreme dominance behavior. The message sent when you throw someone is, "I'm big enough to throw you." Next time your dog acts up, try throwing him. He will be much more compliant now that you've asserted such dominance.
Asserting dominance is not hostility, though. In fact, it's quite the opposite. One asserts dominance so that one may control a person and move him in a safer direction. So, while throwing by itself is quite hostile, the act of throwing is a caring gesture in this context. This joke thus ranks a 4 on the Franken Scale.
* Liberals will try to entice you with their twisted logic. Counter with a bitch slap.
Now, it's important to note the words used. A slap, even if it's a bitch-slap, suggests slight pain without harm. Here, it is implied to be a corrective measure. While inflicting pain is hostile, wanting to correct someone is caring. This ranks a 2 on the Franken Scale.
* Hanging a picture of Ronald Reagan over your door will keep liberals from entering.
This one is important, so pay attention. While nothing in the joke itself is of a hostile nature (I'd hardly consider hammering in a nail to hang a picture 'hostile'), the latent hostility underlying this joke is extreme. Ronald Reagan was a great man who ended the Cold War. Anyone who would be scared of Reagan would have to be a terrible fiend - hideous and almost inhuman. This sort of joke would clearly justifies killing liberals by painting them as such wretches, and thus it is a 9 on the Franken Scale.
* Liberals are against nuclear weapons but have yet to suggest a soy-based substitute that can obliterate cities.
This joke simply implies that liberals are too stupid to understand the importance of nuclear weapons. Implying stupidity always means a bit of hostility, so this gets a 3 on the Franken Scale.
* If you see a fuel-efficient car, it's probably being driven by a liberal. Run it off the road with your SUV.
Again, ignore the conspicuously stated act of violence (running a car off the road) and look what lies beneath. Saying someone drives a fuel-efficient car is a direct swipe at a person's manhood. That's demeaning, but no real hostility or violence comes along with that. The act of driving the car off the road in this context is again a corrective measure and limits the hostility. This is a 2 on the Franken Scale.
* Liberals are constantly inflaming the culture war. They seem to forget which side has all the guns.
A joke about someone's forgetfulness is as bland as they come, and saying someone is forgetful by no stretch implies a person should be harmed. This is clearly a 1 on the Franken Scale.
* The most dangerous predator of liberals is the real world. They hide from it in college campuses.
This, admittedly, is simply and observation and not a joke. Thus, the Franken Scale doesn't even apply.
* Inspired by rhyming slogans and giant puppets, liberals sometimes congregate into groups known as "protests." The purpose of these is unknown.
Here it is implied that liberals engage in strange, foreign behavior. This is extremely hostile in nature as it's perfectly legal and reasonable to shoot foreigners. This is a 7 on the Franken Scale.
* Liberals are always whining about tolerance, but when I punch them for that, they get moody. Hey, be tolerant!
This joke uses a "punch" instead of a "slap" as in the earlier joke, and a punch implies pain with some minor injury. Still, the punch is desired to correct whiny behavior, so the joke again shows caring towards liberals. On the other hand, it ends with an exclamation point, and those are hostile. This gets a 3 on the Franken Scale.
So, at least looking at these shirts, right-wing humor can involve some hostility. Perhaps, in the future, I and others should use more analysis using the Franken Scale to make sure our jokes do not incite violence.
For our next exercise, I'll need someone to find some humor from a liberal blog to analyze. The humor item should be a bulleted or numbered list for two reasons:
1. As stated before, bullets or numbers tell me where each joke begins and ends so I don't have to figure that out for myself.
Until the next lecture: Be honorable, ronin.
The 101st Fighting Keyboardists Now Have Their Service Patch
Tell me this isn't awesome:
It was made by Derek who explains it here.
I'll have more on this later (as I assume will Captain Ed), but I'm working on a really long post right now.
For the time being, just know that the chicken hawks have come home to roost, and you liberal chickens better watch out!
April 26, 2006
I don't usually blog my personal life, but I thought this was funny. Talking about all this recent hullabaloo, I turned to my wife and said whimsically, "People are saying I have a 'hostile' sense of humor."
Then SarahK pointed out that as I made the statement, I was chambering a round into my carry pistol.
I can't believe I wasn't blogging it, stupid migraines. Kellie finally leaves us. Yes. I screamed in the livingroom. I thought it too good to be true that she might go home.
They had a new version of the "Bad Day" song, which I desperately need. They showed Kellie taking a load off her calamari-eatin' chest, but no "what's a ballsy". And thank goodness. They love me enough that they just talked her up until the end of the show and didn't have her sing. That was my favorite thing all week, Kellie not singing.
Andrea Bocelli was wonderful. David Foster's awesome.
Chris & Katharine were the top two. Katharine surprises me, because even when I watched her again this morning it was awful. I'm apparently among very few who thought that, though. Even Simon apologized for being harsh. I suppose I can be wrong occasionally, but when I watched it again and subjected myself to her undies, I still felt the same way as last night. Though honestly, it was probably her ridiculous facial expressions -- she was waxing Kellietically. Maybe I just couldn't get past the faces.
Elliott and Taylor were the middle.
Kellie forgot to thank Vote for the Worst for keeping her in it this long.
Gotta go. Hockey's on, and my Stars have mucho ground to make up in Denver tonight.
I was deeply disappointed to hear that Tony Snow got the job as White House Press Secretary. I can't believe that President Bush overlooked all the many other talented Tonys out there who would've made better picks:
Tony Hawk - Need to dodge a tough question? Just jump the skateboard onto the podium and do a Figure 4 Calf Wrap Flamingo Pretzel Plant Brain Surgeon with a Mute Grab 900 into the press pit. Reporters will be too dazzled, distracted, and/or wounded to ask a follow-up.
Fat Tony D'Amico - Didn't see nothin', and will have the offended reporter quietly piano-wired when no-one's looking. If questioned, will respond "What's a moider?"
Tony Bennett - Political spin is always more convincing when sung to the tune of "Fly Me to the Moon".
Tony Blair - "I'd love to answer that question, but it's tea time, so sod off!
Tony Dow - He probably wouldn't be good at dodging questions, but it'd be funny to hear the reporters start all their questions with "Gee, Wally..."
Tony Randall - Tough question? He'll just fake a sinus attack.
Tony the Tiger - Has an inarguable, two-word answer to any question regarding whether Bush's policies will be good for America.
Tony Stewart - "I can't hear your stupid question over the sound of my engine!"
Tony Danza - The only question he'll get is "Did you every 'Danza slap' Alyssa Milano?"
It'd also be cool to have Anthony Hopkins eat the reporters' livers, but he's not technically a "Tony".
Any Tonys I missed?
I Just Want to Make People Laugh, Not Quiver in Fear
But I'll take what I can get. Here's a post and big comment discussion about how scary right-wing humor is to humorless liberals. I mean, a few are able to laugh at themselves, but it's mainly one big hissy-fit.
Come on, people, smile! You'll live longer. Life's a party; stop being the awkward guy who sits in the corner and doesn't talk to anyone. Liberalism is a terrible disease that includes mood-swings, depression, and mental-retardation, but it can be cured!
(hat tip to SondraK for the link)
UPDATE: More discussion from OTB is here. Yes, I would say my humor is less mean spirited than Ted Rall... but then about anyone short of Hitler could probably say that.
More here from the left... let's keep following this...
That lead to this post supposedly pointing out I have a history of "hostile" humor by linking one old post.
Eh... that was a forgettable post. Must of been one of those days I felt like putting something out but wasn't inpspired.
Hasn't anyone ever seen The Three Stooges? Violence is funny! I didn't start the fire here, people.
Distinction, though: if Moe viciously murdered Curly out of anger, not so funny. Ponder that.
UPDATE2: Man, a lot of people are linking to that Digby post, but I'm getting like no traffic from this and the shirt in question is out of print.
About this whole tizzy, I think James Joyner put it best with the quote, "Lighten up, Francis."
The reminds me of that overblown controversy when that Shakespeare play came out that had the line, "The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers."
It Is the Beginning of the End
Spanish Socialists are going down the path to destroy all humanity. Forget everything else and help stop Spanish Socialists now!
UPDATE: Oh yeah; I have a shirt design for this occasion. No matter how bad things get, I should never miss an opportunity for a plug.
In My World: Snow Day
"It's time for you to get to work, Snowman. By the way, that's your new nickname," President Bush told Tony Snow. "Nobody likes me anymore, but you have to spin things so everybody thinks I'm the super-coolest person ever. And you have to convince all the press to only write nice things about me. So you do a good job or you'll end up like Scott McClellan - fat!"
"I'll do what I can," Tony answered, "but you try and stay out of trouble. I don't want this job to be any harder than it already is."
"Hey, trouble is my middle name!" Bush answered and then thought for a moment. "Wait, my middle name starts with a 'w'. What is it? Wilhelm?"
"Just focus on not screwing anything up and I'll handle the press," Tony assured him. He then headed out to the press room where all the reporters were waiting.
"So, are you the new White House Press Secretary?" a reporter asked.
"First off," Tony stated, "I'm already a hundred times the journalist of all you hacks added together, so, instead of answering your moronic queries, I'm just going to state everything you need to know and you'll jot it all down and report that. Are we clear?"
"Mr. Snow, we need--" a reporter started to say, but then screamed in pain as he fell to the ground.
"Now, one thing you need to know," Tony said, "is that I can now shock you through your press passes. This wasn't my idea; it was done by Homeland Security. Now, on to politics. While there are many troubles in Iraq, it's going much better than you shills report. Progress is being made daily. With Iran, many options are being looked at, but nothing has been decided on. Finally, the Democrats are all morons and you waste time reporting on anything they do or say. I think that covers everything."
"What about how Karl Rove will be--" A horde of screaming demons crashed through the ceiling, grabbed the reporter, and flew off.
"It should be mentioned," Tony said, "that questions about Karl Rove will cause screeching demons to come after you. That's out of my hands."
"And there are also reports that secret police are taking away anyone who questions the White House," a reporter stated. "What is your reaction?"
Some men in black ran into the room, grabbed the reporter, and dragged her away.
"Next question," Tony said in a bored voice.
"War murder and oil because Bush bad!" Helen Thomas cackled.
Tony Snow made a motion to some men in white in the back of the room. They came forward and gently walked Helen Thomas out of the press room.
"Are they taking her to a nursing home?" a reporter asked.
"That or they're going to tie her up and leave her in an abandoned warehouse," Tony answered. "Either way, I don't care."
A truck crashed through the side of the room. "Trouble, Tony!" Bush yelled as he got out of the driver seat. "I may have just been involved in an armed robbery and this truck may or may nor be stolen. Anyway, spin it all to make it sound good."
"I thought we agreed you'd avoid misadventures until your polls are up!" Tony said.
Bush opened the back of the truck. "I tried; really, I did." A bunch of Mexicans came out the back.
"Are you smuggling Mexicans across the border?" Tony asked.
"The less you know, the better." Bush started dousing the truck in gasoline. "I'm going to take care of the evidence; you continue with your press conference."
"I want you all to ignore the scene over there and focus on me," Tony commanded the press. "I'm going to use this blackboard behind me to give you all a lecture on good journalism... since you guys really need it. Let's get started."
"I don't need to be lectured about journalism from someone from FOX News!" Daivd Gregory shouted. "I'm David Gregory! I--" David Gregory burst into flames.
"By the way," Tony said, "the electrified press passes have a few kinks in them and sometimes explode. Then again, maybe that's more of a feature than a bug."
Panicked, Gregory ran into the truck setting it on fire.
"Since this room is starting to burn down," one reporter said, "can we skip the lecture?"
"That might be smart. Oh, and I should tell you that, as part of the deal of the White House hiring me, FOX is filming this all for a reality show. So, if in the future, you find the press room filled with snakes or you get locked in an underground bunker, I warned you."
The reporters fled the room.
"Good job for your first day," Bush said. "So, what now?"
Tony looked at the burning truck. "I think I'm going to a bar."
"There's a list of nearest bars in your 'Welcome to the White House Staff' basket." Bush looked around the room which was all quickly catching fire. "This isn't going to burn itself out, is it?"
It's Not Scientific, But What Is These Days?
Here is the result of the BlogAds survery of IMAO readers. It's a pretty small sample (even for just those who read IMAO), but worth a gander.
Full survey results for all blogs are here and skew heavily Democrat (not one Democrat from IMAO, though).
Let It Snow!
Since everybody else is going to make some kind of joke on "Snow Job" ...
Oh, Helen Thomas' face is frightful
The war doesn't show signs of stopping
When they ask him for a sound bite
Well, we all know Bush is lying
Though it doesn't come out until Friday, rottentomatoes currently has 24 reviews for United 93. I kinda knew a film like this would rile up the nuts, but that doesn't keep it from being off-putting. So far, only three reviews are negative, and one of them isn't even a film review, it's just a guy talking out his ass:
Greengrass disguises art as journalism by matter-of-factly declaring that United 93 crashed in a field in Shanksville, Pennsylvania at the "heroic" hands of its passengers in spite of the fact that the now famous "crash site" produced not one human corpse or even a single drop of blood.
The cell phone/air phone calls are an area of tacit fiction that the auteur fudges with discreet but significant treatment. The actual recorded calls from the "passengers" of United 93 are suspiciously vague and calculated.
The directorís "clear" gaze doesnít extend to quoting the "actual" air phone dialogue, perhaps because he couldnít compensate for its inherent falseness.
This is a movie that does more to discourage raising questions about what really happened to flight 93 than it does to encourage debate over the bastion of lies that have been fed to the American people.
The "reviewer" Cole Smithey (if that is his real name) mentions twice the documentary "Loose Change." I've heard numerous moonbats mention this film that supposedly shows that everything about 9/11 and Flight 93 was fakedÖ and I guess the families (who all gave permission for this film) were bribed into pretending they got phone calls from their loved one's on the doomed flight.
Give me a sec while I Google what the hell "Loose Change" is about...
Okay, here's the Wikipedia article on it (and, incidentally, Wikipedia was used as a source for "Loose Change" which should tell you about the accuracy of it).
I think that's all I need to read to declare anyone who cites "Loose Change" to be a complete and utter fruitcake. Why is the Flight 93 story so hard to believe? Are there liberals out there who just can't believe in heroism?
As for the other negative reviews, they seem to do more with politics than anything else (even the highly liberal film critics seem to really be liking the film). One of the other negative reviews muses whether the families of the terrorists were asked permission to make the film. That right there deserves a whack with a Cluebat™. Most of the other reviews say the terrorists were treated in the film as fairly as you can treat murderous terrorist... for those concerned about negative portrayals of terrorists.
The other negative review is on Salon, and I'd have to click on an ad to read it all. Investigative journalism can only go so far.
Anyway, SarahK and I plan on seeing United 93 this weekend. I'll be curious how much noise the movie premiere creates... and how much of that will come from the nuts.
April 25, 2006
Carnival of the Vanities #188
Hi there. I'm your friend, Laurence Simon. And it's time for a Crappy Bedtime Story.
Today's story is... um... The Carnival of the Vanities, episode #188.
Here we go!
POLITIX AND GOVMNT
The Liberal Wrong finds the perfect person to babysit the Democratic strategy of corruption in Congress. Which, is, of course a result of minimum wage laws. Because corrupt Congressmen can't afford to pay someone to watch their babies.
Jack Cluth thinks that the Democratic Party needs to wake up and smell the cat litter. After I scroll down a bit, but still... that's what he says. (I think Cynthia McKinney may be smoking the stuff.)
Silent in the Morning has a "We have met the enemy and he is us" moment. But he forgot about the bit where people bitch about the price of gas on talk radio while on their cell phones in their SUVs driving home from work, alone.
TMH Bacon Bits proves that Greens Hate Blacks. And... um... Red Sox Hate White Sox? Blues Hate Red Wings?
Part-Time Pundit posts an opening statement on the Gay Marriage Debate. Or, as I like to call it, Andrew Sullivan's sole reason for continuing to exist in the public spotlight.
TMH's Bacon Bits looks at what symbols The Left has been co-opting under false pretenses. What next? Cats?
Fearless Philosophy considers the difference between activists and lobbyists. Hey, what's wrong with "Kill them all and let God sort them out?"
Ike Turner on women's rights? Why, it's As Plain As The Nose On Your Face! (Michael Jackson need not read this. He should stick to "As Plain As The Noses In Your Drawer.")
The Skwib finds a winner at Tim Horton's. What? It's not a cardiologist?
Ahistoricality is obsessed with girls. Or grrls. Or girlz. Or... you get the idea.
Want to write a funny 100 Word Story about being five minutes late? Then take the Weekly Challenge!
What subject does Professor Quippy teach anyway? Is that anything like my pal Professor Frisky?
THE C WERD
Catymology founds a church. Based on cats. Yeah, that really worked for the Egyptians. (And people call ME nuts.)
Baronger declares that today is Fire Day. Quick, someone throw a hose to tomorrow and start pumping water out of Water Day!
Multiple Mentality is in awe of Atlanta's airport design. And now you know why it's going on the new Monopoly board! Yay!
You have to go down to the bottom of this post by Western Resistance to see their answer to the genocide in Darfur. Someone send that to Manute Bol and see what he thinks.
I'm a tad confused. Jack Yoest is saying that professors are reading books about strippers? I thought that Lacrosse teams were limited to student participation only.
Grrl Scientist reviews one of them science-book things. You had me with the hippo on the cover. I like hippos.
Heaven Tree reviews one of them composer-type books. Wow. What a cool wig. Where can I get one of those?
Grrl Scientist reviews "Club George." Dammit, Grrl. The first rule about Club George is that you do not talk about Club George. The second rule about Club George...
Generic Confusion reports on "Do drugs, lose financial aid" measures. Um, did you look behind the couch?
Goosing the Antithesis wonders if it's okay to lie. I don't know, but what a great post. If there's any post to read in all of this Carnival, this is the one. In fact, I should stop typing right now...
It's time for another tale of life raising four boys. It seems a lot harder than raising four cats. (Especially when one is dead)
Canajun Finances ponders the need for Personal Coaches. You know, Spacemonkey is my own Personal Coach. And even though my random crying fits are less frequent, I do still tend to wet the bed.
Brian J. Noggle tells the tale of a 10 year-old who tossed bags of crack out of the window during a raid. As opposed to Brad Lidge, who tossed wild 97 MPH fastballs to load up the bases and serve up a grand slam on Monday night. Jerk!
Mythusmage creates a new world called Dragon Earth. Wow. And he didn't have to get hit on the head to create his own fantasy world. (Mine is named Sandwich Land. Mmmmmmmmmmm. Miracle Whip City!)
The Radical Libertarian recently served as a juror. Which is odd, since most Libertarians think themselves peer to no one, thus disqualifying them from jury duty.
Watcher of Weasels looks at Foreign Minister Zahar's many mad statements and sees the one-state solution all over again. What's even worse is that the state is Idaho.
Blog d'Elisson has fond Passover memories. And Passover Present. And when the Ghost of Passover Future shows up, ask him the Lotto numbers.
MUZICK AND MOVEES
Rebbe Chaim considers the word "song." Here's an easier way: "Can you download it in iTunes?" Oh. Wait. That doesn't cover podcasts. Damn. No wonder why he's a rabbi.
Provoking The Muse reviews an old John Wayne movie. As opposed to a new John Wayne Movie. Of which there are none. Because Hollywood sucks these days.
Five Cent Nickel asks how much a million dollars weighs. I'd assume it weighs less than a million dollars in debt, which is a horrible burden for any one man.
Searchlight Crusade asks what's negotiable when it comes to a purchase. My guess is pants.
Law Professors Blog looks at Wal-Mart's offer to provide better healthcare and thinks more needs to be done. Just wait until they say that being allowed to start their own bank is part of the solution. Because bank... um... wait... how about Wal-Med? Wal-Mart hospitals?
Free Money Finance finds a great way to cut down on the cost of insurance: get healthy. Or, if you're a smoker, use those cigarettes with Vitamin C in them that Gizmodo featured the other day in between the USB-powered vibrators and the genetically-engineered fart clouds.
Don't Mess With Taxes tells the tale of mistakes that the IRS admitted to and made good over. But don't worry - Hillary wants that money back. You know, for evil purposes. And stuff.
Pacesetter Mortgage warns about the FHA Modernization Act. Because those antique FHA's were good enough for Grandma, so they're good enough for me. Who needs cheap, plastic FHA's, anyway?
Stingray asks if the Natalee Holloway case is worth all the effort spent on it. Have you looked at Fox's ratings recently? And all those tourists not goint to Aruba are now going to some place in Egypt I can't quite rem- uh oh.
Shiloh Musings ponders a headline about suicide bombings and makes a few corrections. I once saw one that said "Jesus Returns Sweater" and couldn't quite figured out if it was about something new at Cafepress or a holy moment in the Customer Service aisle at Macy's.
Soccer Dad deconstructs a Washington Post article, somehow pleased that it's not as disconnected from reality as the New York Times. Um, that's like comparing the third and fifth circles of Hell, Soccer Dad. In the end, YOU'RE STILL IN HELL.
404, 405 WHATEVR IT TAKS
Blog Business World pimps the Carnival of the Capitalists. Gee, if it was okay to hijack Carnivals, I'd hijack this one with Carnival of the Cats. If only there were a funny carnival that another IMAO blogger ran. Oh well. Wouldn't it be Comedy if I were to forget to mention that carnival? Yup. Pure Comedy.
Radioactive Liberty sent me a permalink that wasn't any good, but it's fixed now. Click on it to discover the Mystery Within.
Career Intensity sent me a permalink that wasn't any good. But, of course, you can always buy the book for the low low price of...
Well, that's it for the Carnival of the Vanities this week.
Tune in next week when the Carnival moves off to... to... um... wait. The schedule doesn't have anyone listed. Er... wasn't it supposed to be Andrew Ian Dodge/a>?
Check The Carnival Home Page for updates.
This has been your friend, Laurence Simon.
NOW GO TO BED!
American Idol 5 top 6
And by top 6, I don't mean the best 6 singers of the season. Obviously.
I forgot to pick the songs everyone should sing this week. But Sa called and told me what Kellie sang, and I couldn't be happier. This is going to be fantastic.
LOL, Ryan says that it was bad luck for the ladies last week, because Ace left. Frank and I both thought, one of the ladies went home.
Anyway, tonight it's love songs with Andrea Bocelli. And David Foster (who's produced Celine Dion a million times and written a million of her songs if I recall correctly) worked with him on this latest album, so he's there helping out. And Foster's like, "Are these the finalists?" when they vocalize. And showing Foster doing the critiques, I want him on every single week to critique and coach and yell.
IDOLS 01 and IDOLS 07... Katharine is singing "I Have Nothing" by Whitney Houston, written by David Foster. Katharine looks wonderful in this yellow dress with wow, that's a lot of boobage. Ok, when she walks around in the dress, it's not so good. I changed my mind on the great banana peel she's wearing. The hair and eyeshadow are great. The facial expressions were awful. Aight. Down to vocal business. Sa, I must absolutely disagree with you. She was awful. After such a great performance last week, I was really hopeful she'd kill the competition this week. She didn't. It was screechy, weak, and flat. Bad bad bad. Randy says "nah, dawg". Paula says "you're pretty and I love the boobs". Simon says "red, blue, green, green, yellow"... I mean Simon says you're not Whitney so you shouldn't have tried it.
IDOLS 02 AND IDOLS 08... Elliott is going to sing with a giant satin baby blue tie on. Elliott is singing "A Song For You" by Donny Hathaway. It was awesome, the entire song. That's all I'm saying. Randy hates the arrangement. Paula is crying, her glycerin is above her eyes, under her eyes, and the collagen in her lips has leaked out. Simon is laughing at Paula and really trying to contain himself. I'm in heaven. HEAVEN! Thank you, Paula. Thank you so much! Oh, and Simon liked it.
[I DONT THINK SO] AND [AFTER BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?]... Kellie is singing... this is going to be phenomenal... "Unchained Melody". Lemme tell ya, I snorted this entire song at church camp one year for talent night, and it's never been done as well as my snortage. So I have no hope that Kellie will do a good job. Kellie's wearing her prom hair. She's talking about Ghost and the pottery scene. "Isn't that a cute scene? I don't have anyone to play pottery with." Yeah, that's like one of the most erotic movie scenes ever. Real cute and playful. Wait, has she developed thighs? If so, I might have to start liking her out of solidarity. Kellie. I love you. This is what the Chinese will torture dissenters with in the future. You came through for me, and so did the judges, finally. That poor dead Righteous Brother is turning in his grave. Randy: "Dawg, you know you butchered that right?" Paula: "You're not raising the bar each week. You're pretty." Simon: "It's like the Hindenburg crashed into the Titanic." Ok, actually that was Frank, before Kellie even sang. Simon: "I thought the torture would never end, it was so boring and monotonous and robotic and -- wait! wait! I'm not finished!" LOL, They actually cut him off because he trashed the performance for so long. Frank almost felt sorry for Kellie. Me? No.
IDOLS 04 AND IDOLS 10... Paris, with her 19th hairdo since getting to the voting rounds, is singing "The Way We Were". Her head is bouncing a lot. First half is extremely boring. Second half is terrible, whiny, and screechy, not to mention offkey in a lot of spots. Randy liked it a'ight. Paula thought she oversang. Simon thought it was a good vocal but old-fashioned. Simon not happy about being cut off last time.
So. All the girls were bad tonight. Elliott's the only good one so far tonight. And I reiterate about David Foster. Every week. Please.
IDOLS 05 AND IDOLS 11... Captain Tightpants is back. That's unfortunate. Cap'n Tightpants with the velvet tux jacket. I really wish he'd stop dressing like Elvis. Anyway, Taylor's singing "Just Once" by James Ingram (I think). I still don't think he's ever hit a bad note, maybe in his life. Great vocal, great finish, great night for Taylor. And no crazy dancing, yay! Randy didn't like it but likes the tightpants suit. Paula didn't like it. Simon thought it was hotel lounge singery, and Paula cut Simon off with a big jump up out of her seat and rah rah cheer cheer we love you Taylor, Simon's crazy even though I said I didn't like it either!!! Simon: Again not happy about being cut off, this time by Paula instead of Ryan and the music. Anyway, I think the judges were wrong on this one.
IDOLS 06 AND IDOLS 12... Chris is singing "Have You Really Ever Loved a Woman" by Bryan Adams. David Foster got Chris to lie on the floor to learn to sing with his body and not just his throat. Wow. I don't know what to think about what he's wearing. He's on stage with a guitarist on each side, which is great for effect. This song has always been very Don Juany for me. Very Mexico. That reminds me. I made chicken chimichangas tonight, and they were awesome. My mom loves this song, of course. I've always been iffy on it. So to Chris... Beginning is very good and vulnerable. One low note was "pitchy", but overall great quality... The high notes on "tenderness" and "treat her right" -- he got there, but with his facial expressions, you could tell he wasn't sure he would make it. He made it though. I thought the performance was excellent. Randy: "We love you!" Paula: Jumping out of her seat, sending out seal-claps with a forward motion - what is that? A dolphin clap? "We love you!" Simon: "Good song choice, great performance, very sexy song." Yay! However, I'll bet tomorrow I'll read on a bunch of blogs and boards: "Yeah, it was great, but he did a song that Bryan Adams already did before! He cheated!"
So the men killed and the chicks dogged it tonight. In order of vocals... Ouch, it's a severe tossup between Elliott and Chris for top spot (we voted for both 4 times)... I have to give it to Chris, maybe because it was a little sexier, and maybe just because he was in the final slot. But Elliott was only behind by a hair. Ok, so...
Prediction: The girls will be the bottom 3. Going home? I think it's finally Kellie's turn. Wait, it's been her turn for-like-ever. It's either her or Paris. Ok, yeah, I'm going with Kellie.
Some leftard called me a rightard, but he's the one that's 'tarded because he can't even undertand simple humor (due to his 'tardedness). I hate it people are so 'tarded they don't even know how freakingly 'tarded they are. It just makes me shout, "'TARDS!"
Know Thy Enemy: Illegal Immigrants
Illegal immigrants are everywhere and completely illegal! Something must be done, but even President Bush doesn't seem to be handling this issue. Thus, I had my crack research staff find out all they can on these immigrants who are illegal.
FUN FACTS ABOUT ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS
* The first illegal immigrants to America were the Indians who came and claimed they had been here all along and that we were stealing the land from them. What a bunch of hooey. Still, we were nice and gave them blankets.
* Most illegal immigrants are Mexicans. There are other illegal immigrants, but, for all intents and purposes, we don't care.
* Well, we care about the terrorists sneaking in. In some ways, they're even worse than Mexicans trying to take our bean-picking jobs.
* Illegal immigrants do the jobs Americans don't want to do like clean toilets, pick vegetables, and run Mexican restaurants.
* One of the problems with illegal immigration is that Mexico is right next to us making it so easy. There have been some suggestions to move Mexico farther away like to Europe or something.
* We also have a large open border with Canada, but there isn't as big an illegal immigration problem since Canadians are too cold and too dumb to sneak over here.
* Illegal immigrants want to steal your job. If you see an immigrant trying to take your job, check his papers. If everything is in order, well, I guess you just should have worked harder.
* One of the reasons America gets so many illegal immigrants is that America just kicks so much ass. Only Democrats have offered any plans on tackling that issue.
* President Bush has a plan to help illegal immigrants that, despite how it looks, he says is not amnesty. Instead, he assures us that it is just "a general pardon granted by a government."
* A group of citizens called the Minutemen are fighting illegal immigration but have been condemned as vigilantes for "taking the law into their own hands." When ICE was asked why they don't just do the job the Minutemen are doing, they said they don't want to be vigilantes either.
* There would be less illegal immigration if the Mexican government did more to prevent it such as making sure their country doesn't suck so much. We should totally bomb Mexicoís entire infrastructure to teach the Mexicans to stay in their country and enjoy it.
* If you suspect someone to be a Mexican, immediately throw a bag over his head and deport him.
* A Mexican may claim he is here legally. That just the sort of lies illegal immigrants would use. Throw a bag over his head and deport him.
* Some may say that throwing bags over Mexicans' heads is xenophobic. That's a weird crazy word. Throw a bag over the head and deport anyone who says it.
* If a properly documented immigrant comes into a restaurant and starts shooting up the place, that not an illegal immigrant; that's an immigrant doing something illegal which is completely different. He is also probably Italian.
* Some theories on why there are so many illegal immigrants from Mexico is, since Americans love Mexican food so much, Mexicans interpreted that as we really liking Mexicans as well. No, we only like your food.
* Some say we should crack down on businesses that employ illegal immigrants, but businesses are already too noisy about employees. Do you know that the last place that hired me actually asked for my social security number? The nerve!
* It may be hard to spot illegal immigrants, but sometimes they assemble in large groups waving Mexican flags to make it easy. Get those bags to throw over their heads ready!
* It's merely an urban legend that, if an illegal immigrant bites you, you become one.
* In a fight between illegal immigrants and Aquaman, illegal immigrants would protect the seas for only $1.75 an hour leaving Aquaman to get a job selling bananas on the beach.
* Illegal immigrants may try to vote! Don't let them! If they do, they'll probably vote that there shouldn't be a crackdown on illegal immigrants. That's so self-serving they could be Democrats.
* Many people refer to illegal immigrants as "undocumented workers." Why are they undocumented, though? Because they're super illegal, that's why!
* Warning: The nanny you hired who works for cheap could be an illegal immigrant. She could also be your ex-husband dressed as a woman.
* Democrats have always pandered to illegal immigrants, but even many Republicans don't want to crack down on illegal immigration for fear of losing the Latino vote. As we all know, every Latino is for criminal activity in all its forms.
* Some people say they came here illegally because it's too hard to get into America legally. But I'm here legally, and I don't remember having any trouble. It was very painful for my mom, though.
UPDATE: Some people have said it would be too expensive to move Mexico, but I think it's manageable if we hire cheap, Mexican labor to do it.
24 Day 5 - 1:00 a.m.
Previously on 24, Daddy the Pit Bull SecDef got involved to try to help but ended up messing everything up by betraying Jack and trying to get things done his way, in order to save the government. He asked for President Estrogen's resignation, but when Robocop got the recording from Jack, Estro instead asked for Daddy's resignation. Chloe got arrested for helping Audrey and Jack when Miles the Weasel and the Unstable Sexual Harassment Girl teamed up. But Chloe escaped and threatened to recommend Unstable Girl for psych evaluation and told Unstable that Estro's behind everything. Chloe went to Bill's house. SarahK still wanted to know: Where's Rico Suave? Aaron and Marty went to meet behind the stables at the presidential retreat, but all that showed up of Aaron was his cell phone. Robocop cut Audrey's arm and made her bleed all over her pretty white jacket. He should be executed for ruining that jacket. Jack gave up the recording to save Audrey, because he's an idiot who loves needy women.
Jack patches Audrey up and tries to call Chloe, who's not at CTU. Daddy calls one of his henchmen, who is dead, and Jack answers the phone and says, "Hey, Pops. Everyone here's dead except me and Audrey, you betrayed me and ruined everything, and Robocop has the recording. Bravo, Dummo."
Daddy tells Jack about Estro's asking for Daddy's resignation and says he's sorry for being stupid.
Jack calls Bill looking for Chloe. He asks Chloe to hack into CTU for satellite feeds, and she warns him they'll find her if she's on for long. Jack copies that, and we have a great Chloe moment. Chloe to Bill: "I'm gonna have to network onto your computer, even though it's kinda pathetic... I hope you don't mind me bossing you around, but technically, I don't work for you anymore."
Chloe has the satellite from a while ago when Robocop left the airport and is tracking where he went. Jack leaves the airport with Audrey in his stolen police car that the police are apparently not looking for.
Estro calls Robocop to see if Jack's dead and wants to know if Robo destroyed the recording. Robo says, "Nah, I don't want you to suicide me like you suicided Walt Cummings, so I'ma hold on to this, keep it secret, keep it safe... And if anything happens to me, the recording will go public. I don't so much trust you." "But you told me to suicide Walt!" "Yeah, and someone else will tell you to suicide me, and you're evil enough to do it." "That recording protects both of us!" "Mostly you, Estro. Anyway, I'm cautious. Don't accident me either." "Dangit!"
Chloe has found Robocop, who's just ahead of Jack. Jack says, "But yo. He left way before me. How'd I catch up with him already?" Chloe doesn't know. Jack copies that. They catch Robocop and have a little shootout where no one gets shot but Robo runs out of bullets. Jack tells Robo that if he moves he's dead, and Robo tells him about his contingency plan. "I'ma kill your girlfriend's Daddy if you kill me. I have to check in every so often, or the people following him in the helicopter will off him." Copy that.
Jack has Robocop cuff himself and calls Chloe to get patched through to Daddy's cellphone. She patches, Jack copies. Chloe patches Daddy's visual onto Jack's PDA, which Jack copies. Daddy confirms there's a chopper on him and notices the laser sight they've pegged him with. Jack requests the recording very nicely from Robocop, who says no. And here I thought he was gonna give in. Daddy tells Jack not to give Robocop up, tell Audrey I love her even though her pretty jacket has been destroyed. To make sure he doesn't screw things up anymore, he drives his car into the lake a la Big Fat Teddy K, except not drunk, and without killing a girl. The chopper leaves him.
Jack has Chloe confirm that Daddy just drove into the lake, and Chloe says yep. Audrey tells Jack to kill Robocop, and I'm in agreement. Instead, Jack just punches him, because you know, they might need him alive sometime in the never.
Back from commercial, Estro's all worried because Robocop's not going to destroy the recording. "Man, I really wanted to kill that loose end! I mean, wrap up that loose end!" Estro calls someone named Raymond? Reese? to tell him to cancel the action against Robocop. This Raymond must be the head of the oil interests. We'll call Raymond: Halliburton. Halliburton tells Estro that they have a worse problem: Marty. Seems she's been talking to Aaron, who knows too much, and they've taken care of Aaron and are going to silence Marty.
Some henchman is telling Marty that Aaron was transferred at 1 a.m., and no, we didn't know anything about a meeting with you. Marty keeps asking people where Aaron is, and they say she'll need to ask her husband. The agents lock Marty in a room with no phone access, and she appears to have lost both her and Aaron's cell phones, because she's panicked.
Jack tells Chloe that Robocop doesn't have the recording and asks if he handed it off. She reviews the old satellite feed and tells Jack there was a handoff, and the car the recording got into went to Van Nuys airport. The airplane is about to take off. Audrey tells Jack they have to do anything they can to get the recording, because the recording killed her Daddy.
Jack asks the question SarahK's been asking all along: WHERE'S RICO SUAVE?? And Bill tells him Rico's at CTU taking orders from DHS, but he's sure they can trust him. He's 25 miles from Jack with a tac team. Jack wants Audrey and Robocop taken to CTU. Audrey wants Jack to go to the airport now so Daddy hasn't died in vain. Right, 'cause Daddy didn't swim out of that car in the fashion of the Big Fat One. Jack gets Robocop's gun and puts in a fresh magazine before handing it to Audrey. He tells her, "Don't talk to Robocop. Even though you're mad at him about your Daddy, and you are, indeed, a woman. Don't talk to him. But if you have to shoot him, you can." "But I'm a girl! Who am I gonna talk to? And I'm injured! A damsel in distress! I must talk!" Jack tells her to stay off her cell.
Jack tells her he doesn't feel right about it, she says she's gonna be fine, Jack hugs her and says he's sorry, they cry and snuggle, and SarahK says, Yay! Audrey's gonna die! That was so goodbye-forever-ish!
Ok, so now Frank and I are trying to decide who's on the plane, and who exactly has that recording. Because you know it has to be someone significant. We both said Neckid Mandy, but then I said... "Unless it's Tony!" and Frank laughed and I reiterated that Tony's not dead. And Robo's supposedly the one who killed him. Riiiiight.
Weaselgoon tells Mr. F that Bierko's going to be interrogated because he just woke up. He tells Mr. F to tell Estro that the transfer from CTU to DHS is officially complete, two hours ahead of schedule. Mr. F is wondering about Bauer, because she thinks they should have heard something by now. BTW, I'm starting to like Mr. F. She's seeming a little less Mr.
The new blonde chick, whose hair is now red, calls to tell Mr. F that Chloe's gone. Wow, that's some good operations-running there, if she escaped over 20 minutes ago and they're just now figuring it out. They wonder why Unstable Girl didn't stop her, because she had a conversation with Chloe and let her go. Mr. F says that Chloe has to be their focus. Unstable is removed from her chair. Weaselgoon and Mr. F decide that Chloe is probably hacking in to help Bauer. Weasel can track her location.
Mr. F asks Unstable Girl why she let Chloe out. Unstable tells that Chloe threatened her with psych evaluation. Unstable says Chloe thinks Jack is innocent and Estro is involved in the Palmer assassination and is framing Bauer. Mr. F doesn't look surprised, more like uneasy and kinda thinkin' it's true.
Marty is freaking out and yelling to be let out. Estro comes in, and she tells him to arrest the agent outside. And she wants to know where Aaron is. Estro says Aaron is fine and was transferred back to Washington. Maybe Aaron's in the airplane... nah, he's too not evil. Estro tells Marty that he would have told her sooner, but he thought she was fragile. But really, he just kept the secret because it's horrible. He tells her that Palmer's death wasn't supposed to happen, Estro didn't authorize that. That he knows who killed David, because he works for Estro. She freaks out about him being involved in David's murder. Estro tells her to stop asking questions in order to save the country. She spits, "Yes, it's the country that we're worried about." She is spitting at him a lot, and Estro tells her to shut up and swear she'll shut up for the sake of the country. He's very threatening with his recently acquired nads.
She tells him she's forgiven him lots, but not this, because he's broken her heart. She tells him, "Looking at you... I hate you... but I'll shut up because the people in this country don't deserve to suffer. You do." Give that woman an Emmy, would you? Marty walks out.
The sound is off on tonight's episode, btw. Probably because Marty's the only one not whispering. The sound is so low that all the commercials are way too loud, even the HD ones. I hate that. It happens during Celebrity Poker on Bravo too.
The side hog commercial from KFC? Didn't they invent the double mashed potatoes thing years ago? Oh, and the Toyota yaris commercials are retarded. Completely retarded.
The Halliburton council is talking about whether this is gonna all work out. The boss, who's been bossing Estro around, is talking about how strong they were 18 months ago when they started all this. Funny, that's how long it's been since Jack went dead. This boss guy looks like Ron Howard. I would call him the Narrator, but I think it'll be easier to remember to call him Halliburton in the future. Halliburton's praising Estro's good job today and trusting that he'll keep Marty in line.
Robo wakes up and asks Audrey where Jack is. He apologizes about Daddy and says Daddy's honorable. Robo is going on about how Audrey should call and find out whether her dad survived. "Your daddy's drowning, and you're not doing anything." She gets all Chloe on him and gets right up on him with the gun (which is stupid, because he could totally headbutt her). Anyway, she threatens him to not speak another word, and wow, get that girl a blood transfusion, she is quite pale.
Chloe says Robo's chopper guys are on the way to kill Audrey. Audrey wants to kill Robo but doesn't because Jack seems to copy that they need him alive. I say shoot him. She runs off at Jack's urging. Robo tells his guy that she's in the building. Audrey's walking, and someone grabs her from behind. IT'S RICO SUAVE!! There's a shootout, and Rico's guys win. They take Robo in to custody. Yay for Rico Suave!!
Audrey calls Jack and tells him they won. Jack tells Curtis to take Audrey and Robocop into custody. Chloe and Bill are looking for a passenger list to see who is on the plane with the recording. Jack takes out his spy monacle and looks at the plane. He copies nothing and jumps onto the gas tanker to ride over to the plane with his purse around his shoulder. Seriously, he should wear parachute pants so he can dump the purse. Ok, so it's a knapsack, but still. Unless he has paperclips, socks, rubberbands, and a match, it's not MacGuyver-ready, so what good is it.
Unless it's carrying lots of guns and/or ammo. Then I totally approve.
Bill calls Jack to tell him that the plane will take off in less than 10 minutes, and there's 7 minutes left in the show. Chloe still hasn't gotten through state department's firewall.
Interesting. Weasel's able to trace Chloe to Bill's house, which means he's decently competent. A competent weasel! Mr. F calls Mike Novick and asks for clarification on why the switch from the Veep being the boss to Estro being the boss. Mike tells Mr. F that he's not in the loop, because there is no loop, because Estro's keeping to himself and not sharing anything. Mike tells Mr. F that it's been a strange night.
Mr. F types on her computer, then calls Bill and Chloe and tells Bill to get Chloe out of his house now. She believes Estro's bad. Chloe refuses to leave until she's gotten Jack all the help he needs.
Jack watches the plane and takes some baggage to carry to the plane. It looked to me like Neckid Mandy was walking up the stairs into the plane. A diplomat car with dual British flags is driving away after dropping some people off at the plane. Hmm. Jack puts on his magic hood and heads into the cargo belly of the plane and stays there. The cargo door shuts. Beep boop, all that.
Next week. Mike asks Estro if there's something he should know. Mr. F tells Bill, yet again, to get Chloe out of his house now. Jack goes looking on the plane for the recording. Mike asks Marty what's up, and she says, "I can't say, but I'm a girl, so I'll bet if you keep asking, I'll be able to say later!" Chloe tells Jack which passenger he's looking for, but I'm betting it's a decoy, and we're gonna see someone we know on the plane. Jack takes out the air marshal and grabs the guy he thinks he's looking for. The guy says he doesn't know what Jack's talking about. Jack points a gun at the whole plane and tells them to sit down and not get hurt. Copy that.
Eye in the Sky
Reports are coming out of Israel that the Jewish state will be launching an "eye in the sky" satellite to monitor the Iranian nuclear program.
This is excellent news considering previous efforts by Israel's space program:
Good luck, little spy in the sky!
Carnival of the Vanities #188 - Last Call
This is the last call for submissions to this week's Carnival of the Vanities, which will be here sometime very late tonight or very early tomorrow morning (when are these things supposed to be, anyway?)
Submission information is here.
Just When You Started to Believe Moonbats Had Some Humanity in Them...
...here's the Kos Kids debating whether NRO contributor Cathy Seipp (who, apparently, devoted her life to "hate speech") deserves sympathy for her plight with cancer and dealing with insurance companies.
Carnival Of Comedy Reminder - First Anniversary!
I, spacemonkey, will be hosting the Carnival of Comedy this Thursday. It will be at IMAO, though.
Hmm, Maybe I should add dates to this. And probably ought to contact the newly assigned hosts, too. Maybe they'll notice a spike in traffic from the links.
April 24, 2006
A Cause Worth a Fight
And found on DU of all places. Go read all about it.
I find it heartening how many at DU reccommended contacting conservative outlets to help spread the story. Through all the bravado, only the worst can't toss aside politics when a life is at stake.
Expect no 24 blogging tonight
Computer just turned itself off at the first commercial break. I was just about to hit publish. So I'll do the rest of the show tonight but won't be able to go back and do the beginning until morning. Darnit, I was funny, too. Really funny. I hope I remember all my jokes. If the first 15 minutes aren't funny, it's because the computer killed my entry.
Michelle Malkin (SarahK: Stop talking about Michelle Malkin!) has launched a new venture to popularize video blogging on the internet. Soon, everyone can be his own Dan Rather. Personally, I've considered doing some of my own video, but it's not like I already don't have too much to do trying to fulfill your insatiable appetites for entertainment.
Anyway, for video blogging to take off, it obviously needs an asinine name. The written word on the internet is called a blog and audio is called a podcast - both completely meaningless words made to confuse newcomers. I say video should be called a "flog" - a combination of "film" and "blog." You like it? Doesn't matter; I've already declared it so.
Now get to flogging!
UPDATE: People keep trying to tell me that that video blogging already has names that are a combination of either video and blogging or video and podcasting. That's stupid. Video blogging should get it's own horrid name that makes it seem unapproachable to people who hadn't previously heard of it. That name is "flogging."
Tourism: Space vs. Egypt
Okay, so it's been a while since I've dispensed any travel advice, but in light of recent events I thought I'd do a little comparison shopping for you:
HEALTH CARE ACCESS:
And there you have it. Next week, I will compare Disneyland and Mecca.
Jonah Goldberg Wants Me Dead!
I saw this post over in the corner, so I sent Jonah Goldberg a simple e-mail stating that I don't want to be shot either. Here's his reply:
well, if **one** of us has to be shot, you know how i'm voting...
It's true! He wants me shot dead! We've known for a while that Jonah wants me out of the way so I won't be able to steal his job, but he's a fool if he thinks I, Frank J., can be intimidated so easily!
But, if I do get shot, make sure to tell the police it was Jonah Goldberg. The truth must get out.
Forget about the new Monopoly properties poll going on.
What really matters:
Among other changes, the railroads will be replaced by New York's JFK airport, Chicago's O'Hare, Los Angeles' LAX and Atlanta's Hartsfield-Jackson.
Well, let's see.
And in the #6 slot is...
Dallas-Fort Worth International, not JFK in New York.
Have y'all ever had this happen to you?
Okay, so I get home from the Astros game and fix myself a nice tall glass od iced tea. I slice a lemon in half and squeeze both halves into the glass with a squeezing-doohickey I use for squeezing lemons.
Then I drop the squeezed lemon halves into the tea glass.
For an hour or so, I go about my business, yadda yadda yadda, cleaning and puttering and snapping photos of the cats, and so forth.
My wife then gets home from dress-shopping. I sit down on the couch, and I drink from my glass of iced tea.
There's limes in the glass.
Weird. I remember cutting up lemons. Because I sand the lemon-cutting song to Frisky, who just stared at me like I was some kind of idiot.
"No, I'm not gonna squeeze an orange-boy kitty-cat because who wants orange in iced tea?"
(No, I will not record it)
I look around, and there's a glass of iced tea by the computer. Lemons in there and still a little bit of ice from when I made it, just in case I tried to dismiss the incident as if I'd fixed that glass yesterday and left it there.
The glass in the living room has fresh ice in it, just fresh-made. And I know I made it, because I slice the lemons or limes halfways and put them in the glass.
"See? My memory's good, because I remember slicing up the lemon and here's the lemon in the iced tea."
Except for one thing: I have no memory of slicing up the lime or making the fresh lime iced tea. And if my wife had made it for me, she'd have asked if I wanted lime or lemon in it because she knows I always make that decision randomly.
I look in the glass. Sprig of mint from the garden in it. Same with the other glass.
Yup. I made both.
There can only be one solution to my degenerating memory: switching to Dr. Pepper.
We Need a War for Oil
An Editorial by Frank J.
I filled up my SUV this weekend, and, after seeing the bill, my immediate reaction was, "Someone must die for this!" After a little thought, I knew who should die: foreigners. Foreigners with oil.
We need a war for oil.
"If our military can't keep us from being forced to drive gay little cars, then what exactly are all these gasoline taxes going towards?"
Supposedly, our previous incursion into the Middle East were about oil, but it hasn't looked that way. Unlike all this establishing democracy hooey, a real war for oil would follow a much simpler mission plan: We go in, we kill lots of people, and we take all the oil. Also, we would know for certain when the mission is accomplished; if we have all the oil, we're done.
Would it just be easier to drive a hybrid instead of having all this killing? No, it wouldn't, because hybrids are gay. If our military can't keep us from being forced to drive gay little cars, then what exactly are all these gasoline taxes going towards? You better not tell me poor people, because I did not get an SUV to help the poor. It should be obvious that our military must be deployed with the sole purpose of stealing all the oil worth getting our hands on. It is a risk of lives, but I risk lives everyday I drive my SUV anyway.
Now, there are a number of ways to take all that oil. My suggestion is to make big tripod robots like in War of the Worlds, but they'll suck oil out of the ground instead of blood out of people (cars don't run on blood). This may be a bit too extravagant, though. The simplest idea is too simply rush towards the oil fields in tanks killing everyone we see and then securing the oil fields with big walls and minefields and signs that say, "Americans Only." We'll then airlift the oil so we don't have to deal with any people around there. You may be worried that children could step on the landmines, but I'm not since I hate children. Getting blown up will teach them to be small and dumb. I hope monkeys step on mines too.
Will America stealing all the oil in the Middle East anger the people there? Of course, but who cares. Since we'll have all their oil, they won't have any gasoline to get near us. What are they going to do? Fill a truck with bombs, put it in neutral, and push it towards us? That's pathetic. The most they'll do is get as close to our walled in oil fields and shout epithets at us. Then we can shout back, "Don't you guys have anything better to do? Like losing a war to tiny country full of Jews?"
So there is what needs to be done. I want war war war until gas is down to a buck a gallon, and I'm the taxpayer, so I get what I want. People didn't need to die for this, but a bunch of Muslims didn't need to live where all our oil is either.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as "If You Don't Want to Die, Stand Away from that Oil" and "Diplomacy Is a Failure of War".
April 23, 2006
UC Santa Cruz "Comfort Brigade" Recruiters Welcomed on Campus
(CAUTION: Due to mature themes, reader discretion is advised)
Although Michelle Malkin (whose right to be both a woman and a minority I fully support) has done an excellent job covering the UC Santa Cruz protests against on-campus Army recruiters, she missed the story on the sidelines.
Concerned that soldiers in Iraq might not be getting sufficient "female companionship" from the local burkha-babes, a number of young, enthusiastic, and horizontally-accessible co-eds were on hand to recruit new members for the Army's "Comfort Brigade".
"A lot of organizations exist that will forward care packages to soldiers in need", said Senior Amanda Huginkiss, "but we know darn well that those brave men on the front lines have other, more urgent needs as well, and we won't get off our backs until those needs are met."
Although many apply, not all are chosen. Only the most nubile and flexible of the volunteers will pass the rigorous screenings.
The recruitment drive provoked its own protests, though. Mostly ugly guys with hygiene issues who realized with dawning horror what the loss of the campus's loosest women would mean to them.
Idiots like this were largely ignored, however, as most people preferred to ogle the Comfort Brigade Veteran's Parade.
Best of all, the Comfort Brigade's activities completely erased the efforts of the UCSC radical anti-war nuts by actually causing an increase in on-campus recruiting.
But with all the hype and breathless promises flying around during the Comfort Brigade's recruitment drive, the discerning reader will still pause to ask the most important question of all: Can the Comfort Brigade really bring all the spine-tingling satisfaction that our soldiers so desperately need?
Just ask #1535.
April 22, 2006
Public Service Announcement - New Orleans election results
The lead has been shifting back-and-forth between Mitch Landrieu and Ray "Chocolate City" Nagin, and it will most likely be a run-off at this point. However, one this is clear: a majority of voters are voting for someone other than Ray Nagin.
Whether this will hold up in the runoff or if Jesse Jackson will scream holy hell over bussed-in voters being turned away from polls for failing to bring registration cards or identification is another matter entirely.
In other news, the IMAO elections are also taking place tonight. So far, FrankJ, Harvey, and Right Wing Duck are all in a three-way tie, but the election is being disputed because someone tried to stuff the ballot box with crabmeat.
While waiting on the next IMAO podcast
I'm kinda hoping that Aquaman will have the time to send in a story for next week's challenge. It's just that he keeps shorting out his computer and microphone setup, being underwater and all.
InstaBunny - A Love Story
Five years ago, at a Las Vegas Furry Convention, Glenn Reynolds met the love of his life, Bonita Bunny:
Today they live in Memphis with their three children:
You may have noticed that Glenn lets his kids guest-post from time to time.
[top pic courtesy of Cadet Happy]
April 21, 2006
Odds and Ends
* Operation Chicken Little will commence Monday morning, which is when you will receive the next IMAO Newsletter. Just make sure you're signed up for the newsletter to participate and all the details will be in it.
* Make sure you check out the value section of the IMAO Store where news designs will be added constantly. I have lots of new wacky quote (some from old IMAO posts; some new) on shirts that are cheap. You buy now!
* Barbara Bush claims that Chuck Norris is scared of her. (hat tip to reader Eva)
* Rachel describes what it is like to meet a great celebrity, me - Frank J., who is so closely associated to Kevin Bacon.
* Until we meet again, be honorable, ronin.
UPDATE: Since people keep asking (including the Rachel mentioned in this post), you can sign up for the newsletter on the left sidebar either here or at the IMAO Store.
Liberals Still Hate Minorities and Women, But Conservatives Think It's Perfectly Okay to Be Either or Both
Since Michelle Malkin has in the past and will in the future continue to receive hate mail about her being a woman and a minority, numerous blogs now have come together to say that, while being a Caucasian male is pretty cool, it's perfectly okay to be a woman and a minority and we won't stand for gender or racial slurs against Michelle Malkin.
Malkin has a message for those threatening her and for the defenders of the Santa Cruz punks. One goober has kept trying to post in my comments a link to an image supposedly of a map to Michelle Malkin's home. How do you force-feed idiots like that a clue?
If you want to be amused (not that anyone comes to IMAO for amusement), here are some liberals furrowing their brows in a vain attempt to understand what we're doing.
And here is the updated list of supporters:
SUPPORTERS OF MICHELLE MALKIN'S RIGHT TO BE A WOMAN AND A MINORITY
If you want to support Michelle Malkin, grab the banner for your own blog and link it the hate mail post for context. It will be only so long until something like this happens again, so let's all be ready to support Michelle Malkin's decision to be a woman and a minority.
Since it's Friday, I thought I'd spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka "I-MEOW").
Sure, some of the IMAO bloggers have cats, but none of them are insane enough to fire up six webcams at once and watch their every move.
Anyway, it's time for...
Hold on. I'm being told that a theft is in progress!
If you're not sure how this absurd sequence pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Nardo is... um...
Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.
Not the Feel Good Movie of the Year
Just got an ad for the movie United 93 in my BlogAds. So far, every review says it is extemely well done and a must see. If you haven't seen it yet, click on the ad to view the controversial trailer.
Some say it's too soon; I say better too soon than too late. One day, people will have to be reminded of the story of United 93, and that's what we don't want to happen too soon.
April 20, 2006
NBC has taken "Celebrity Cooking Showdown" off its primetime menu after only three nights. The reality series was originally scheduled to run five consecutive nights, but controversy over O.J. Simpson's Nicole Brown Betty recipe prompted the move.
You don't even want to know what's in that dismembered-head-sized container.
Frank Solutions to Iranian Nukes
I was going to write a Know Thy Enemy: Iran, but then I saw that I already had one. Since every KTE is definitive and never needs addition, I'll instead talk about a more specific issue involving Iran:
FRANK SOLUTIONS TO IRANIAN NUKES
* Sanctions: If we can keep Iran from getting money, they'll all totally starve.
"Where are the Twinkies!" they'll cry.
"The Americans no longer send their Twinkies."
"Then we shall surely perish!"
Soon they'll be begging to trade their nukes for food. Let's refuse since we'll have a great bargaining position. Instead, let's ask for all their nukes and all their gold.
Of course, they could get Twinkie substitutes from other countries and then this won't work at all.
* Harsh Language: Before violence, try raising your voice. The Iranian government loves strong rhetoric, so maybe we can counter them there.
"If the Americans cross us, we will cut the hands off the Americans and put the mark of shame on there foreheads! We will..."
"Will you goobers shut up? Talk talk talk; that's all you Iranians are. All we have to do is fly one bomber over your country and you guys will wet your pants with your small penises."
This will take away the Iraniansí self-esteem, and then they'll give up their nukes so we'll like them.
Or they'll get angry and launch missiles everywhere. Those guys are hard to predict; they're crazy.
* Steal Them: We can just go into Iran and totally steal all their nukes. You may think that may be hard since the Iranians are probably watching their nukes closely, so that's why I have a plan. We just release a bunch of pigs to run through Tehran. Then everyone will be like, "Oh no! We gotta get these pigs out of here or Allah is gonna be all mad!" Then, while everyone is distracted by the pigs, we grab their nukes. They may be big, though, so we'll needs some handcarts or something. If we don't have a lot of handcarts, then we probably can't go with this plan.
* Invade Iran: Since we have so many troops in Iraq which is right next to Iran and those troops are probably tired of dealing with insurgents, our troops can just march over to Iran and say, "We are now your rulers! Bring us many gifts of fruit baskets and beer!" If some people in Iran decide to shoot at our troops, this could be a bit more complicated, but our troops are trained for that sort of thing.
* Bomb Iran: If we totally bomb the crap out of Iran, then they can't threaten us. Bombed people can't use nukes; this is scientific fact. And, contrary to popular belief, nukes can destroy other nukes... though it may wake up Godzilla.
* * * *
Those are all your options, people. So pick one. Otherwise, things will go bad and I'll be like, "Hey, I told you what to do, and you just didn't listen. You're all dumb."
You don't want to be called dumb, do you?
Frank J., White House Press Secretary
Since you guys want it:
FRANK: Hi, I'm Frank J., and I'm the new White House Press Secretary. I'm already pissed about my work commute, so let's not push me. Anyway, I don't feel like answering questions, so I'm just going to read from my Ninja FAQ. You guys probably won't get most of the jokes, so I'll motion with my hand thusly when you're supposed to laugh.
REPORTER: What do ninjas have to do with Iran?
FRANK: Okay, I thought I spoke slowly and clearly enough for you guys to understand. Maybe I should just dangle some keys to keep you guys entertained.
REPORTER: We're not dumb. We're journalist and... are you playing videogames.
REPORTER: Mr. J!
FRANK: Constarnit! Great, I just died. I hope you guys are happy. What's so important it couldn't wait until I was at a save point?
REPORTER: We have questions about Iran?
FRANK: Really? Iran has been around a long time, so I don't see why anyone would still have questions. Try looking it up on Wikipedia.
REPORTER: We mean questions about the Bush administration's policy towards Iran.
FRANK: They don't like Iran.
REPORTER: That's not a policy.
FRANK: Says you.
REPORTER: Is anything planned to stop Iran?
FRANK: Yeah... there's like a tactical nuclear strike planned for this afternoon... threeish, I think.
REPORTER: ARE WE REALLY ENTERING A NUCLEAR WAR AND...
FRANK: That was a joke! You guys are dense. Anyhoo, Link has some important quests to complete, so could you all be quiet for a few minutes.
REPORTER: Can't you do that later?
FRANK: No. My wife doesn't let me play videogames at home, so this is my only time. Now, quiet!
REPORTER: I have a question about the generals denouncing Rumsfeld.
FRANK: Fine! I guess I'll never get to play videogames again. What's your stupid moron question?
REPORTER: What is the White House's reaction to the generals calling for Donald Rumsfeld's resignation?
FRANK: What generals?
REPORTER: You know; the one that have been reported on the news and...
FRANK: No generals have talked to me.
REPORTER: Yes, but...
FRANK: If it were important, they'd talk to me. People know you talk to Frank J. when you want things done. If it's unimportant, they'd talk to you idiots. Next question.
SARAHK: What do you want for dinner tonight?
FRANK: I keep telling you I hate that question. Just make something. Next question.
REPORTER: Recently, a number of undocumented workers have...
FRANK: Let me explain how this works again: you are trying to get information from me. That means you make short interrogative sentences and I do the monologing, not you. Got it?
REPORTER: It's just...
FRANK: Shh! You know, I went to college specifically so I would never have to interact with idiots like you people. Anyway, I'm guessing you have some query on illegal immigration policy. President Bush supports illegal immigrants coming into this country to do unskilled labor such as picking beans, cleaning toilets, and holding mikes while asking inane questions. Pedro, you had a question?
PEDRO: My name is Pedro.
FRANK: Not a question, but keep working on the English. Okay, I'm going to cut things off now because I want to head home before I get stuck in the rush hour traffic on the Beltway. If I didn't answer everything, just make stuff up like you normally do; people never listen to you guys anyway. Also, I brought a wolverine with me, but he disappeared somewhere in the pressroom. If you encounter him, please shout out.
In space, nobody can hear you scream "Allahu Ackbhar!"
Well, it looks like the land of the virulently anti-Semitic Mahathir The Moonbat is looking to go to the moon, so-to-speak. But with a space program comes serious, important scientific issues:
How do Muslim astronauts pray in space? Malaysia's National Space Agency is holding a conference to consider such questions as the country prepares to send its first citizen into orbit.
Other complications with Muslim astronauts:
I'm sure they'll work all of this out.
Many more people have come out in support of Michelle Malkin's right to be a minorty and a woman, so I'll update that list again soon.
Also, what I've decided to call "Operation Chicken Little" will being soon, so make sure you're signed up for the IMAO Newsletter.
I Guess Someone Has to Talk to the Press
Uncle Jimbo is lobbying for the the White House Press Secretary job. He must really want it, as he threatened me to endorse him and everything. Go check out his credentials.
I know we had our own poll for IMAO candidates, but I don't want the job. I got enought to do without also having to explain everything to the goobers in the press.
UPDATE: Kim du Toit also wants the job, but is a man with the name of a Frenchwoman really up to the job?
He might shoot me for that...
April 19, 2006
Secrets of the WMD Trailers: REVEALED!
Lacking any fresh mud with which to smear the Bush administration, the "unbiased" media is re-hashing old accusations of President Bush lying about WMD.
Ok, so maybe those two trailers they found in May of '03 weren't "mobile biological weapons labs", but I have a hard time believing the claims that they were used to "produce hydrogen for weather balloons". Why would Iraq need weather balloons? Does the weather report ever change over there?
"Today will be incredibly freakin' hot with a [random number] percent chance of sandstorms. After sunset, your camel will freeze his hump off".
Anyway, here are my half-baked lunatic theories on what those trailers were ACTUALLY used for:
* Mobile helium production facilities - Those goofy terrorists just love inhaling balloon gas and yelling "Durka! Durka! Jihad! Jihad!" in a funny Mickey Mouse voice.
* Coyote trailers - Just in case any Mexicans felt like sneaking across the border into Iraq to steal jobs from hard-working Islamofascists.
* Super secret Death Star Control Platform - SHHHHH! Secret! You no tell!
* Scott McClellan's retirement home - Needed something big enough so that his chubby ass wouldn't get stuck in the doorway.
* It's where Glenn Reynolds goes to... aw, YOU know...
* Stolen oil storage facility - Since they only found 2 of them, President Bush wasn't able to steal NEARLY as much oil as originally planned.
* He was warned about this by numerous retired generals, but did he listen? NO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O!
* Originally designed as a Stupid Hippy Human Shield Transportation Device - Driven only once. Still can't get the smell out.
* Production facilities for Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream - Now you know where their delicious "Caramel Camel" and "Go Pound Sandies" flavors come from.
I was going to mention that they were also on Rumsfeld's "Things That Need A Good Nukin'" list, but - let's be honest - what isn't?
American Idol 5 top 7 elimination
So here we cut it down to 6. My hope, of course, is that Kellie leaves, but I have no hope for that. I love the replay of Kellie saying "I butchered it!" It warms my heart.
Ford commercial... "Kids in America." Funny, Kellie looks like Carrie in her billboard. It must be the shades. I like Chris smashing the guitar, but other than that, it's... a Ford commercial. That reminds me, we were working tonight so we couldn't watch ALIAS. I fully intend to snark it in the morning. Irina and Vaughn are returning, so I'm all in.
Rod Stewart comes out to the tune of "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy". Yay! Anyway, he's going to do something '70s rockish next.
Rod sings "The Way You Look Tonight". It's great, but the microphone stand swing is a little out of place in this one, no?
Next week is love songs. With Andrea Bocelli coaching.
Kellie, Elliott, and Kat are together on one side. Chris, Ace, Paris are together on the other side. Taylor's safe and supposed to join the safe group. I think Kellie, Kathryn, and Elliott are safe. The bottom 3 are Ace, Chris, Paris.
And that's the way it is, Taylor has shaken Chris's hand but joined the top group of Kellie, Kathryn, and Elliott. This show is such a joke. Kellie, after that horrendous performance, is still here, while Mandisa was gone after 1 mediocre night.
Chris and Ace are the bottom 2, and Paris is safe. If Chris goes home, I'm done. It should absolutely be Ace.
Whew, Ace is going home. I was scared, y'all. After Mandisa went home, I lost all faith in voters other than me.
So what does Chris being in the bottom 2 tell us? Chris is a rocker, and if he wins and y'all make him record a pop album, no one's gonna buy it. So there's really no point in him ever breaking away from rock again. Y'all can all shut up about him being a one-trick pony. He showed another great trick to himself, and people didn't vote.
Tomorrow I'll pick the love songs everyone should sing. Starting with Chris singing "I Hate Everything About You".
How Much Is It Worth for Rowdi Not to Chase the Cats
Our dog is still obsessed with the cats and likes to chase little Sydney despite our best training efforts, so I decided to contact the nearest dog behaviorist to see how much it would cost for in-house consultations.
It covers as many visits as it takes for the life of the dog, but still...
If only SarahK would believe me that the cats would be happy living in a cardboard box in the garage.
In My World: Cutting the Fat
"Numerous retired generals have called for your resignation," a reporter said to Donald Rumsfeld. "How do you respond to this?"
"Why would I respond to the opinions of a couple retired generals?" Rumsfeld demanded angrily. He then said in a mocking voice, "'Ooh! I'm too old for war so I'm going to retire!' Back in my day, generals stayed on until they died in battle. I have no use for the words of those who wimped out."
"So, have you put any thought towards resigning?" asked another reporter.
"Your questions annoy me!" Rumsfeld shouted. "I have decided to kill you all violently! Rarr!"
* * * *
"Blood does not come out!" President Bush whined. "That's it. I'm not buying you new suits every time the reporters annoy you."
"Rarr!" Rumsfeld yelled and punched a hole in the wall.
"Fine. We'll pay for a new suit. Calm down."
"And more cruise missiles!"
"Okay. That too."
Rumsfeld stormed off just as Scott McClellan came running toward Bush. "What's the matter, fatty fat fat?" Bush asked.
"The key to my office doesn't seem to work anymore." Scott led Bush to a door and was unable to get the key to fit.
"Are you sure that's your office?" Bush said. "It doesn't have your name on it."
Scott looked at the door. "Where did my nameplate go?"
"Let's not worry on little things like that." Bush held up a piece of paper and a pen. "Now sign this."
"What is it?"
"It's... uh... a bill. It needs a signature."
"But you're the one who is supposed to sign bills."
"Then it's a... uh... petition." Bush shoved the pen at Scott. "Now, sign!"
"How could this be a petition? There's only one line for a signature." Scott grabbed the document. "Hey! This is a letter of resignation! You're trying to get rid of me!"
"That's just crazy," Bush said. "You're a crazy person, and there is no reasoning with you. I have to go talk to job applicants."
* * * *
"I sure you all have a lot of questions about Rumsfeld and Iran," Scott told the White House Press Corps, "so let's get started."
"Why announce your resignation now?" a reporter asked. "Is it because you finally realized your tubby and no one likes you?"
Scott looked confused. "I'm not announcing my resignation."
"You say you're leaving to spend more time with your family," said another reporter, "but isn't it true your family doesn't like you either?"
"No. I need this job to have money to feed my family," Scott said with worry.
To the side, Bush appeared with Tony Snow. Bush pointed at Scott. "That's where you'll stand." He then pointed to the press. "Those are the morons you'll have to placate."
"Are you replacing me?" Scott shouted.
"Do I have to deal with that tubby goober there with this job?" Tony asked.
"No," Bush answered, "Just shove him out of the way."
Tony walked over and knocked Scott to the ground.
"Ow!" Scott yelled. "You're going to get a loyalty problem with stuff like this."
"So what would I do with these people?" Tony asked Bush as he looked at the press. "They look dumb."
"Just distract them with shiny things and use big words to confuse them. I don't know any big words, so you'll have to get those from other people."
"Why are you considering someone from FOX News for the position of White House Press Secretary?" a reporter asked.
"You try and answer that for me," Bush told Tony.
"FOX News is a great pool of talent," Tony said to the press. "The station was founded when polls revealed that the American people prefer reporters and anchors who aren't full of crap."
"Good answer," Bush said.
"I never got praise," Scott whined, still lying on the ground.
"If you're getting someone from FOX News, why wasn't I considered?" FOX News reporter Melinda Hawkish asked angrily.
"Because you're mean!" Bush yelled.
"I'm surprised you didn't consider an illegal immigrant as a cheaper alternative," she shot back.
"Who says I didn't!"
"What's this stack of bricks for?" Tony asked Bush.
"If a question is too dumb, just throw one of those at a reporter's head. Go ahead and try it."
Tony chucked a brick at the press. "Ow! My cranium!" one shouted.
"What do I do if I run out of bricks?"
Bush opened a panel on the podium revealing a hidden button. "Just press this and a heavy narcotic is released into the press which will cause them all to be very happy and easy to manipulate."
"You never showed me that secret button!" Scott said.
"Quiet, tubby; you've talked enough." Bush turned to Tony. "So, if you take the job, I'll throw in a blank signed pardon. You can use it to get anyone off of anything... no matter how heinous the crime."
"I can't believe you're replacing me," Scott grumbled. "Will you at least help me get a new job?"
"I will use the full power of my presidency to get you a new occupation," Bush assured him.
* * * *
"Can I get fries with that?"
Scott groaned. "No. This is Taco Bell."
"What can I get?"
Scott adjusted his paper hat. "Tacos."
IMAO Poll: White House Press Secretarythere's a new job opening in the Bush Administration today:
But he's not Arianna Huffington. Which means instead of doing it himself, he'll probably make me or Harvey do it for him.
Yeah, he's a harsh taskmaster, but at least he gives me time to let the bread rise, I'll give him that.
Conservatives Think It's Okay to Be a Woman and a Minority
Liberals hate people with different viewpoints, and, even more so, they hate people who look different from them. They save their strongest attacks for people who express conservative viewpoints while being either a woman or a minority since they just hate women and minorities so much. Michelle Malkin made the mistake of being both a woman and a minority, and has thus gotten a great amount of noxious hate mail through the years for what liberals perceive to be a crime of the highest order.
It's time to take a stand. Thus many blogs now display this banner:
SUPPORTERS OF MICHELLE MALKIN'S RIGHT TO BE A WOMAN AND A MINORITY
Conservatives think it's okay to be a woman or a minority. We even think it's okay to be both and will not attack someone for that. While many prefer that people express opinions only while being a Caucasian male, we think it's okay to be a woman and/or a minority while stating your views. Thus, we all stand against dumb honky cracker liberals using slurs against Michelle Malkin, and we hope you're brave enough to take that stand as well.
UPDATE: List has been updated with more supporters.
April 18, 2006
My Bacon Number
Thanks to the website spacemonkey posted, I have determined my Bacon Number I asked about earlier. I know it's only supposed to apply to actors, but it's important to know how far separated everyone is from Kevin Bacon.
Anyway, I, Frank J., have a sister who does costume design. She worked on the movie The Eliminator (she did a lot of costume design though IMDB doesn't have her listed) which starred Michael Rooker who was in JFK with Kevin Bacon.
So I have a Bacon Number of 3, only slightly higher than the average actor.
American Idol 5 top 7
I'm not excited about tonight's show. I love Rod Stewart (yes, I think you're sexy), but this lot is the most disappointing lot of contestants we've had. Plus, it's standards under the guidance of Rod Stewart (standards are my favorite kind of songs, but no one does them well on American Idol), not Rod Stewart songs. Seriously, I'm more excited about separating my handful of Nerds candies by color before I eat them than I am about this top 7. Blah.
Oh wow, look at that cute baby that Rod Stewart fathered! Wow, what a precious baby!
Uh oh. They're putting Chris in the dreaded #1 spot.
IDOLS 01... Chris is breaking away from rock and doing "What a Wonderful World". *sigh* That was the last dance at our wedding reception, so it's going to be hard to beat this even before he opens his mouth. He's singing absolutely beautifully. Simon's going to say he hated it, because Chris should have stuck with rock. Watch and see. Wow, that was lovely, he's renewing my faith in the show, I'm most definitely voting for him. WHOA! SIMON IS CLAPPING FOR CHRIS! Ok, I'm eating my words here. Thank goodness, Chris got rid of the eyeliner, and Ryan noticed. Ryan, I appreciate that you read my stuff. I'll stop making gay jokes about you (you know I meant those in good fun, right? My good fun, if not ours). BTW, Chris, if you're coloring in your eyebrows, please stop. Loved the outfit, even the tuxish vest with the rock pants and wallet chain.
IDOLS 02... Paris is singing "These Foolish Things". This is a good song for her. She's dressed very grown-up tonight, and I'm so happy she's not wearing pleather. A'ight, that was out of tune in a few spots. It was ok but boring, and at the end I thought she was going to bring it home and make me love it, but the whole song was a little too demure. I know standards are practically demure by definition, but that wasn't a stage performance. Randy says it was perfectly on pitch, but I don't think he'll say that when he watches it back. Paula loved it, Simon loved it. We were kinda "eh" on it, even Frank, and he almost always loves Paris.
IDOLS 03... Taylor is singing "You Send Me". Rod Stewart just said grab the audience by the balls, and AI bleeped him. Taylor is reminding me of Elvis more every week, and that is not a good thing in my book. Ok, the first half was Elvisy, but the second half was fantastic.
Before the break, Ryan mentions that up next we have two people who look like a prom date standing there. Pan over to Elliott and Kellie. Yeah, Ryan, that dress has way too much cloth to be Kellie's prom dress.
IDOLS 04... Elliott is doing "It Had to Be You", which is the song Frank and I walked out of the chapel to after the ceremony. Kris did such a great job on piano. Elliott looks good in jeans and tux jacket. There was one pitchy phrase, but I really liked it. It was a great song for him, he should do standards all the time. Paula's right, he did actually remind me of Harry Connick Jr., so much that I kept waiting for him to bust out like Harry Connick on the "Some others I've seen might never be mean..." part.
[STILL WAITING FOR MONKEYS TO FLY OUT OF WAYNE CAMPBELL'S BUTT]... Kellie is doing "Bewitched,
ROFLMPTO!! Kevin sent me the following graphic, and I got the email before Kellie performed but just now opened it.
IDOLS 06... Ace borrowed a suit from Ryan and slicked his hair back and put it in... IS THAT A BUN IN HIS HAIR? I CAN'T EVEN LISTEN TO HIS SINGING TO TELL Y'ALL IF IT SUCKS, BECAUSE HE LOOKS LIKE AN AU PAIR WITH THAT BUN. He may officially be replacing Kellie as my AI muse. Anyway, we're rewinding to hear it, because I wasn't listening the first time. He's singing "That's All". Don't you know you can't sing an ironically-titled song on AI, or you'll always get the boot? Ouch, there's some nose-singing. And there's the falsetto, but I actually think it's good here and not overdone. There are Paula and Randy saying that his falsetto is his money. I disagree, but I can't complain about it tonight.
IDOLS 07... Katharine is singing "Someone to Watch Over Me", which is a perfect song for her. I just hope she doesn't go boring with it. She's born to sing standards, so this should be good. Is she wearing Paris's earrings? She looks pretty good. Her voice is so well-trained. She added some flair, didn't go safe and boring, I'm happy. This was beautiful. High praise from the judges, too. Finally.
I'd like everyone to note: Kellie is the only one that all three judges went negative on. Here's the thing about standards: vocals are always very exposed when you sing a standard. So if you can't carry a tune in a bucket, it will show. They should have standards night every year to weed out the awfuls.
And I'll say: tonight was so much better than the previous few weeks. Maybe there's hope yet.
So, the order, vocally, tonight...
So the bottom 3 will be Elliott, Paris, Kellie (I know I'm hoping against hope here, but come onnnnn.). I actually think Ace will be safe this week, and Elliott will be in the bottom 3 even though he shouldn't be. Paris was forgettable. Kellie started good then got awful, and even the judges couldn't praise it. Kellie should go but will probably stick around another week or two. Who goes home? This is a hard one, because Ace wasn't bad. I'm gonna say Paris goes.
Carnival Of Comedy Reminder
Two Degrees from Terrorism
I work with people who had this guy as a professor, so that puts me two degrees away from terrorism (or maybe three since this guy was more involved with funding).
That reminds me; I need to find how many degrees I am from Kevin Bacon. Through my sister (whom I'm one degree away from), I am three degrees away from any actor in Mallrats. What's the quickest route from there to Kevin Bacon?
They're on the Edge of the Cliff, So Let's Give Them a Little Push
John Hawkins reprinted part of a discussion at Democratic Underground about fleeing the country since they think we're on the verge of becoming like Nazi Germany. Moonbats leaving under their own accord would be great since there is no known medical treatment for Bush Derangement Syndrome, but I was thinking that maybe we can help speed up the process.
What if we successfully started a rumor that a Bush dissenter was grabbed in the middle of the night simply because of his viewpoints?
Something like that might scare those whose threats of leaving are just bluster into actually leaving. Thus, I've got a sort of plan developing. Now, since I came up with this idea, I can't directly start the rumor on my blog or itís too obvious. Luckily, I started a newsletter which isn't publicly available to anyone doing a Google search. So, in the next newsletter, I'll put up a fake AP story of someone being mysteriously grabbed by feds and the White House saying they won't comment on the matter. Then, other bloggers can just cut and paste that on their own blogs saying they got it off the AP wire or saw it on a liberal blog and react to it (either suspicious or saying itís probably nothing). People without blogs can e-mail liberal blogs the story or post on bboards or something.
Anyway, it sounds like a plan to start an internet rumor. Any advice? Remember: the idea is to get some liberal blogs to believe this and comment about it. That means we can't be too over the top and the story and how right-wing blogs react to it need to fit their skewed idea of how the world currently is. If it seems true to them, they'll accept it without any research.
Also, we need some cool codename for this operation to scare the moonbats out of America. Discuss in the comments, and then this will start when I send out the IMAO Newsletter later this week.
And, since people always ask, you can sign up for the IMAO Newsletter on the left sidebar or at the IMAO Store (where you can also buy stuff!).
The Man With The Golden Balls
So Franz Becknbauer of the World Cup Organizing Committee came up with the brilliant idea to use golden soccer balls for the finals.
"It only surprises me that no one thought of it before," Beckenbauer said at a bizarre ceremony at Berlin's Brandenburg Gate...
Okay, that's impressive, but...
Sorry, Franz, but that's only the display model you're playing with.
The real ball is behind you:
What's that noise? Do you hear growling?
Oh my God! It's haunted! They used gold yanked from the mouths of Nazi concentration camp victims, and they want revenge!
Aauuuuuuggggghhhh! Run for your lives!
Welcome Back Carter - The Series
Brought to you by Dick Morris
Dick Morris: President Bush is a Republican Jimmy Carter!
Welcome Back Carter
(Cue Theme Song)
Well the names have all changed since you hung around,
Who'd have thought they'd lead ya (Who'd have thought they'd lead ya)
Yeah we tease him a lot cause we've hot him on the spot, welcome back,
(Jimmy Carter walks into the studio. Audience applauds.)
Mr. Carter: Iím so glad they brought me back to Washington. I feel like now people appreciate all of my accomplishments. Like being a former president. Where are those silly kids? Always late, I tell you.
Enter The Sweatporks Ė A small tight knit group of Dems.
Latinostein: Yo man. I hadnít seen the press rough anybody up that bad in a long time.
Horseface: Yaw. They got him good, yes they did. I do solemnly swear that those press reporters nailed that blogger something fierce. That memory will be forever seared, seared into my brain.
Latinostein: That was ugly. Who did that blogger insult? The Democrats?
Horseface: Worse, he insulted Islam! Hilly, where are you my good lady?
(Enter Hill Clintarino, a politically tough street thug.)
Hilly: Iím coming, Iím coming. Donít fall over yourself Ė youíll have to award yourself another purple heart.
Horseface: (noticing Jimmy Carter for the first time) Mr. Cartah, Mr. Cartah, Mr. Cartah!
Mr. Carter: Hey, guys. Nice to be back. Iíve read that President Bush is the Republican me! Thatís crazy! I was much better at running the country than he is.
Sweatporks Ė together Ė YEAH!
Mr. Carter: For starters, I had a brother who drank beer all day. But it was his own line of beer! What about this President? Whatís his brother do? Governor of Florida?
Latinostein: PShhht. Right. Thatís not even a real state. It got blown in by a hurricane! I think itís a piece of Italy or something!
(Sweatporks high five each other and laugh)
Horseface: By the way, didnít we have an African American character in this sketch?
Latinostein: Nope, boss. She was delayed by the racist Capitol Police department who insisted that she carry ID and not slap them around!
Hilly: I blame the fact that sheís a woman.
Mr. Carter: Iíll refer this one to the United Nations.
Horseface: When you were president Jimmy, the economy was booming. There were so many people racing to work, that the gas stations had lines around the block.
Latinostein: Now the economy sucks. There isnít a job to be found anywhere! And theyíre trying to send back illegal immigrants. Those of people just come here to get millions of jobs and work.
Jimmy Carter: Have you seen the price of gasoline?
Latinostein: Yeah, itís so bad, my cousins asked me if I would drive the getaway bicycle!
(Sweatporks laugh and high five each other.)
Hilly: Sure thereís gas to be found everywhere, but look at the prices!! Free Market? What a stupid idea. We should mandate lower gas prices. Price controls cause shortages, or so the ďeconomistsĒ say, but that couldnít happen to us. We care more then anyone else does!
Horseface: And I served in Vietnam!
Hilly: Can it with the Vietnam stuff, Horseface. Youíre not running for reelection.
Latinostein: Horseface, I have to tell you, I used your lucky hat to wax my car. Sorry.
Horseface: Thatís okay. Iíve been meaning to buy a new lucky hat. Maybe something with the name of a popular sports franchise. Like the Green Bay Brewers, or something.
Mr. Carter: We must remind people that President Bush is much worse a president than I ever was. He thinks the war was worth it!
Horseface: Donít these people understand war? Just because your army marches in and defeats the enemyís army doesnít mean you can declare victory! There are many nuances involved.
Mr. Carter: I had my share of military victories. Good people, too. What was the name of that group I had go deep into Iran?
Mr. Carter: Thatís right. I know the current President of Iran because heís one of the guys who took care of the American hostages. By ďtake care ofĒ of course I mean that the future Iranian president held a shotgun to their faces! Thatís the way they work in their country.
Latinstein: Yah, boss. In this country, when somebody puts a shotgun to your face, normally, itís the VICE president.
Mr. Carter: Bushie thinks heís great because he sent troops to Afghanistan!
Horseface. Pshaw. BTW, did I serve in Afghanistan?
Hilly: Shut up, Horseface.
Latinostein: Why canít they leave Iran alone? Building nuclear weapons and threatening to destroy Israel is protected free speech.
Mr. Carter: Right now, President Bushís popularity is at an all time low: Mostly because heís reviled by those weird crazy people.
Hilly: Anti-War protesters?
Mr. Carter: No, Republicans.
Latinostein: Yeah, Bushie really sold those conservatives right down El Rio Grande. They can run right back, itís not like the border is protected or anything.
Mr. Carter: We can capitalize on this by emphasizing how out of touch and hated he really is.
Hilly: You know, when I ran the country... I mean. When Bill was President, he was never out of touch. He was loved and adored: From the highest king, to the lowest intern.
Mr. Carter: So letís go out there and win one for me!
Hilly: I can do it, Mr. Carter. Iím the perfectly balanced candidate. Iím conservative yet liberal. Hard but soft. Heterosexual but willing to explÖ.
Horseface: HEY!! Youíre taking two positions on every issue! Thatís MY strategy! Mr. Carter! Make her stop!
Mr. Carter: I would, but she scares me.
Hilly: Iím scary but comforting. Thanks for holding this class Mr. Carter.
Mr. Carter: Sometimes, I just feel like giving something back. Hilly, donít you ever feel like giving something back?
Hilly: Are talking about that missing White House furniture? I swear, it was there when we moved out!!
(Cue Theme music)
Well the names have all changed since you hung around,
Who'd have thought they'd lead ya (Who'd have thought they'd lead ya)
Yeah we tease him a lot cause we've hot him on the spot, welcome back,
Support Your Local Malkin!
Here are some banners (thanks to cadet happy) to show your support of Michelle Malkin being a woman and a minorty despite liberals protests.
UPDATE: If you put up a banner on your blog, e-mail me (email@example.com) your blog name and URL with the subject "I Support Malkin" so I can later post a list of blogs that supports Michelle Malkin's right to be a minority and a woman.
"Before We Begin the Double Jeopardy Round, I'd Like to Ask Our Contestants Once Again to Please Refrain from Using Ethnic Slurs"
Michelle Malkin has once again stirred up the hate-filled lefties (warning: her post contains uncensored hate mail charging with the high crime of being both a woman and a minority). I won't go into all the details of the incident that led to this, but I think the worst part of it is that we have military recruiters who can be intimidated by wacky campus libs. I would have hoped our average military man or woman could reduce one of those moonbats to a quivering mass with one stare.
Now, I haven't always agreed with Malkin's tactics such as the time she strangled a kitten with piano wire to make a point on immigration, but these attack on her have got to stop. Someone should be able to be a pundit without constant threats and racial slurs. What if we started using slurs against liberal icons?
BTW, that Howard Dean is one dumb honky cracker.
On the other hand, maybe Malkin can cause all the moonbats to hate themselves out until they just are too tired to hate anymore and just spend their time smoking pot and eating cheetos.
Anyway, I think someone should make a banner blogs can put up that says, "I support Michelle Malkin even though she is in fact a woman and a minority." We bloggers have to stick together! Show your support for Malkin!
April 17, 2006
24 Day 5 - 12:00 a.m.
Before 24 tonight, there's a preview for Jack Bauer: The Movie. Kim Basinger plays Audrey. I might see it anyway.
Hey, Prison Break has the guy from Fargo and the un-pimped ride Volkswagen commercials. I LOVE those commercials. Especially the "We just dropped it like it's hot" one.
Previously on 24, Jack went to the bank and got the bank manager killed, Estro blamed Robocop for complicating everything by killing Palmer. Aaron warned Jack that Estro put out a pres. order for Jack's arrest, Mr. F and SexHarassman followed Audrey, who outsmarted them and called her daddy. Jack and Wayne got the tape of Estro and Robo talking about killing Palmer before. Evelyn? Well, we assume she's dead. Who knows about her daughter, but I'll bet she gets attacked by cougars.
It's midnight, and the news is reporting that Estro wants martial law to remain in effect even though the terrorist threat is over. You know, so he can more easily follow Jack Bauer's stolen police car, the only car on the road.
Robo assures Estro that they'll get the recording from Bauer before he can get it to the right people. Estro tells Mr. F to let him be the first to know if Jack is in custody. Mr. F says they're looking for Bauer and Robocop, and he tells her to put Jack first.
SexMan wants to go after Chloe, since Audrey ditched the trackers.
Jack and Wayne meet up with Bill in a secret, safe place. Jack asks Bill to babysit Wayne, and Bill nonchalantly asks where they're meeting the SecDef. Jack tells him, because he doesn't think that's TMI for Bill, which makes me instantly suspect him.
Audrey goes to meet daddy at his plane, and now I remember the preview we saw the other night, where Audrey's held at gunpoint for info. I hope she gets offed! Before they can get started talking, Jack shows up in the police car, and Daddy gets hot under the collar. Jack and Audrey explain that Estro's setting Jack up and Daddy the only copy of the recording, because he's not a politician or anything.
Daddy says he's not surprised about Estro, because he was terrified when Estro took office (like we would have been if we'd gotten Algore). Audrey and Jack kiss. Audrey says, "Jack, I'm going with Daddy. This is going to be ok, I promise, and then we can talk about our relationship over chamomile tea at Chloe's house!" Daddy says "one more thing" and punches Jack in the throat, because he forgot about that day 18 months ago when Jack walked into a terrorist camp (with Marines, of course) and saved him from a beheadin'. Audrey says wah, don't do that. Daddy says Jack can't go to the Attorney General with the info because he'll destroy the office of the Presidency.
Daddy plans to not tell anyone (smart guy, let's keep it to ourselves and no one will know when we die in a tragic accident!) but is gonna go see Estro about it. I'm sure that if Daddy the pit bull glances one time at Estro, Estro will collapse in a heap of tears and feminine hormones, but what if Robocop's there with Estro?
BTW, Jack told Daddy that he trusts the source of the recording. You know, Evelyn, that girl I met tonight. She and I go way back a couple of episodes, so I'm sure of it.
Chloe asks the new blonde chick what's up with the meeting in the situation room. That sensitive girl (I forgot what I named her) is setting Chloe up to find Audrey and Jack for Mr. F. Chloe starts ringing Audrey, and Mr. F and her goon trace the call (Audrey never picks up) to Van Nuys airport. The tac team starts leaving and Chloe realizes she was set up and reams the sensitive girl for it, calling Miles the Weasel an idiot in the process. Chloe is arrested.
And WHERE IS RICO SUAVE???
Mr. F tells Estro they have Jack's location, and he insists that F leave Jack for them to deal with. She calls Mike Novick, who's "been on other things" for several episodes. I think that means he had the runs and just couldn't get out of the bathroom.
Audrey and Jack are tied up together, because Daddy sucks with a capital ucks.
Mike checks out his Sprint phone and goes to see the Veep. He asks why CTU would have been pulled off the Jack Bauer acquisition. Mike is very unsure, and the Veep gives Estro the benefit of the doubt. Mike calls General Warren, who is on his way to pick up Jack Bauer. Scratch that. He tells Mike he has no idea what he's talking about.
Mike confronts Estro as to why he took Mr. F's people off the case. Mike also questions why the military doesn't know about the military operation to bring in Bauer. Estro tells Mike he doesn't answer to Mike and says that Mr. F shouldn't be undermining him. Mike keeps questioning, and Estro says a covert team is on the case, you know, so the Chinese government doesn't find out about Jack and think the president hoodwinked them.
Chloe and Miles the Weasel (who will be hereforth known as Weaselgoon) argue in the holding room. Chloe goes and grabs him by the shoulder as he's walking out and swipes his keycard. He says, "Don't touch me! I don't like being touched by women!" Chloe says he's not as big a jerk as he pretends to be and tells him that Jack's innocent. He huffs and runs away. "A woman touched me!" So after he leaves, Chloe uses his keycard (it's all about the keycards!) to get out of the holding room, swipes a computer from the holding foyer, and leaves through another door while the guard is distracted. Sensogirl catches Chloe, and Chloe says, "Jack's innocent, but I can't say why." Sensogirl says explain yourself, and Chloe says Estro's the one who killed Palmer. Sensogirl's like, "Uh uh, I'm reporting you," and Chloe's like, "Yeah, well that sexual harassment thing against Weaselgoon was made up, and you're sick, and if they find out Jack's innocent and let me go, I'm gonna recommend you for psycho counseling, and you won't like it!" so Sensogirl backs off and Chloe, in Chloe fashion, stomps off.
Marty goes to see Estro. "Are you coming to bed soon? I mean, you haven't been to bed with me, or any woman for that matter, in years, and I was just thinking you should come to bed." Estro blows her off and gets a call from Daddy the pit bull. Daddy requests a meeting with Estro tonight. "I don't like your tone, Daddy. Remember who you're talking to." "Yeah, I know who I'm talking to, and you're a girl, and you know what this is about."
Estro waits for Marty to leave and calls Robocop. Where are you? Daddy's coming, and I'm scared! Where are we with Bauer?
There's a helicopter.
Is it me, or has Estro gotten a tan in the last 17 or so hours?
Marty asks Aaron what Daddy's doing here, and Aaron says he can't say. His forehead isn't burned anymore. That L.A. plastic surgery is awesome. Aaron wants to meet Marty behind the stables. That will be awful when they're discovered and people assume they're having an affair. BTW, Marty played Aaron like a flute in that scene. I thought she was gonna kiss him.
Best scene of the whole show: Daddy confronts Estro. I know you did all this, I know you're complicit in Palmer's death, I know you're setting Jack up. Estro asks what Daddy wants. "Daddy wants you to drop the charge against Bauer. Leave my daughter alone. Oh yeah, and resign by the time the morning news cycles. Tell everyone you're too stressed. Go get the Veep, I wanna be here when you hand him your resignation letter." Estro's like, "Wha?"
But I'm sure Daddy's little girl is gonna ruin everything.
Chloe shows up at Bill's, and something is wrong with Bill. I don't trust him, and if he kills Chloe, I'm done. Out on the show.
Speaking of out on the show, Marty's at the stables and calls Aaron. His cell phone is on the ground, and she's being watched by an unseen watcher person. If Aaron's dead, I'm out.
Jack gets himself and Audrey free and tells Whiny to secure some guy he knocks out.
Jack corners Daddy's henchman and gets the recording just in time for Robo's guys to show up. Henchy gets dead, and Jack blows up a gas tank (he really should learn to shoot with both eyes open so he has full peripheral vision).
UPDATE: Reader Philip at mm pointed out the Bluth family staircar on the tarmac. I just went back and watched, and it's such a beautiful gratuitous shot! They show Robo's men shooting, then they show the plane Jack's hiding behind, then pan over to a quick shot of the staircar. Oh how I miss that show. And yay 24!
Robo has Audrey. Jack promises to give up the recording if he lets Audrey go. He cuts her artery in her arm and sends her out to meet Jack. He sees her bleeding (and this is very Redrum-All-Work-No-Play-Makes-Jack-a-Dull-Boy to me - Audrey in her white jacket, blood falling to the ground from one hand, small steps...). Audrey has to ruin everything just by being alive, but no, Jack won't let her die. He's anxious for that relationship talk. So he tosses out the recording, and Robo starts shooting. He doesn't hit anything, because terrorists just shoot crazy and never hit anything. Jack gets distracted by Audrey's dying, so he lets Robo get away so he can tie up Audrey's wound.
Back in Estro's office, the Veep has arrived, and Daddy is standing by wagging his pit bull tail. Estro gets the call that Robo's got the recording, and as soon as Robo has a ride, he'll bring it to Estro. Estro hangs up and tells the Veep that Daddy was just about to resign. Daddy says no, Estro orchestrated the David Palmer assassination. He's led out by security.
So Audrey's bleeding but ok. Something has happened to Aaron. Mr. F doesn't have a clue about anything, Weaselgoon is even cluelesser. Robo is breaking into a car, Daddy is out of the cabinet for now, and Chloe's hanging out with Bill.
Next week: Jack tells Daddy that Daddy betrayed Jack. Jack catches up with Robocop, Audrey tells Jack to do what he has to do (ok, thanks for permission). There's a helicopter with a red laser trained on Daddy, who's drivin' down the road tryin' to loosen his load. Audrey whines when Jack and Robo fight. Bill tells Chloe to go now, Mr. F says stuff doesn't make sense, there's a bigger problem from another new redshirt. Marty throws a fit at Estro, so Aaron must be dead, and if he is, lemme repeat: I'm out. Audrey gets even more pasty-faced than ever, what with all that blood loss, and she pulls a Chloe and gets really angry with a gun and a Robocop. The pres decides to silence Marty.
The Only Strategically Viable Option Right Now Is to Construct a Death Star
An Editorial by Frank J.
America has tried many things to get a strategic advantage over its enemies - stealth fighters, missile defense, bombs that cause a place to be swarmed with monkeys - yet we are still threatened by insurgents, Iran, and poofy-haired Koreans. Given an honest assessment of the global situation, it should be obvious to everyone that we should construct a Death Star.
"That's no moon! That's a space station!" people will exclaim, soon followed by them saying, "Wait; that's just the moon." That's because they won't see us construct the Death Star since we will do it behind the moon. No one will find out about our plans since, after we claimed ownership of the moon by putting our flag on it, we also put up a "Trespassers Will Be Shot" sign. You may wonder if we currently have the scientific capabilities to make a planet-destroying space station. This is a legitimate concern, but I'm pretty sure we know how to construct a large metal sphere, so we might as well start with that while we figure out the giant laser. I'm pretty sure that part involves the noble gas argon or something, but I'll have to look that up. The other concern people might have is, unlike the movie version, will we install railings along the numerous bottomless pits in our giant space station? While it is a legitimate safety issue, this would add an estimated 0.01% to the cost, so it would have to be run by the DOD budget committee.
"Now, people of the world, dance for our amusement. DANCE!"
OSHA compliant or not, when our Death Star is complete, we will then move it out from behind the moon into view of all. It will probably be a good idea to have a big American flag painted on the front before we do this as we don't want Argentina claiming it's their Death Start and threatening everybody. Once our new weapon is in view of all, the President should then come on TV and explain it to everyone. "We have constructed a planet-destroying space station for the purpose of peace. We, the great United States of America, swear we will only use it for the betterment of all mankind. Now, people of the world, dance for our amusement. DANCE!"
The question arises of what should we use our Death Star on. Its purpose is to destroy planets, but the only planet of any strategic interest is Earth where there happens to be all our cities and football stadiums. Thus, we probably don't want to blow that up. We could hit another planet to demonstrate our power, though, and I think the best candidate is Venus. Even though it is closer than Mars, no one is proposing a mission to Venus because that planet just sucks too much. Also, Venus is about the same size as Earth, so, if we blow it up, people will believe we also have the ability to blow up Earth if so angered. I say, soon after we unveil our super-weapon, we blow up Venus so people understand we have a fully-operational Death Star. The President can go on TV and say, "Your 'morning star' is no more. Now, make sure you all act in the interest of America and nothing else will have to meet an unfortunate demise."
The world should be scared into being peaceful for a while, but eventually some nutty little nation is going to try our patience. The President should then announce, "America has been angered! Fire up the Death Star!" As the super-laser is charging, everyone should quiet down. Then we can cancel the firing and the President will say, "We have decided not to destroy the Earth... for now." This should work four to six times until people are convinced we're bluffing. Then we'll have to be more active such as firing lasers that just barely miss the Earth and maybe blowing up the moon in our anger. After years of peace, at some point, though, people will just get used to the idea of a giant space station floating above them and no longer be scared that we'll actually do anything. When this happens, our only choice will be to come up with a new weapon to threaten our enemies with or to actually blow up the Earth.
But we can cross that bridge when we reach it. Begin construction of the Death Star!
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as "Everything I Needed to Know About Diplomacy I Learned from Emperor Palpatine" and "Killing Terrorists Through Applied Quantum Physics".
Tax Day 2006
Since April the 15th fell on a Saturday, today is tax day for all the people who waited to the last minute to file. (For hurricane Katrina victims it's the last day to apply for the Katrina extension).
Am I the only one sick of this crap? Why do we need to tell them (the IRS) all this stuff they already know?
Why have the stinking IRS in the first place? This Fair Tax thing is looking better and better to me.
An extra cool thing about the fair tax, illegals would have to pay it too. Heh.
Update:Heres a book on the fair tax subject
No funny from me today
Some will say "Why is this different from any other day?"
This is why:
A Palestinian suicide bomber killed nine people and wounded at least 40 others, six of them seriously, in an explosion near the old central bus station in southern Tel Aviv on Monday afternoon.
I'd like to assume that Magen David Adom's main domain timing out is due to the high volume of people going there to contribute and not because they've recently merged with another group who's URL I couldn't remember if you shoved bamboo spikes under my fingernails.
So while you're waiting, here's my Pez dispenser collection (minus the Furry Friends series, which I keep in their boxes on the shelf)::
I need a lot more Muppets, Peanuts, Flintstones, Violet to complete my Incredibles set, and a FrankJ.
Aieeee! The Terrorists Have Ebola Infected Monkeys!
Bruce Schneier, crypto guy and security expert, has always been decrying what he calls "Movie-Plot Threats" - people worrying about specific outlandish scenarios instead of security in general. He is now having a contest to come up with the best movie-plot threat, and the winner will get an autographed copy of his book Beyond Fear, and, if he can manage, a phone call with a movie producer.
I might have to enter this one myself. Hmm, if the terrorists were somehow able to obtain the formula for the Big Mac secret sauce, then they could...
Fly It High and Intact
On the way into the office complex I'm currently working at, I noticed two American flags flying here that are torn and frayed. As far as I see it, there is no excuse to fly a damaged American flag unless you are currently being shelled by British ships and are just keeping the flag up to prove a point to any poetic lawyer who might be observing the situation.
Fix your flags, people!
April 16, 2006
April 15, 2006
Signs of the Glennpocalypse
Strange events are said to signal the end of the world.
Which is a bad thing, unless you're a supernatural evil entity who plans to rule during the coming dark age.
Or Glenn Reynolds, which is pretty much the same thing.
When he's not "Indeed"-ing his way through yet ANOTHER link to some legal-mumbo-jumbo-filled Ann Althouse post, he's actively working to bring about the Apocalypse. Here are some signs to watch for:
* Glenn moves Instapundit back to its old Blogspot site, explaining that "the Blogger platform is now technologically superior to Movable Type".
* Instapundit(.blogspot.com) endorses Hillary for president in 2008 based on her endorsement of a "free healthcare for bloggers" program.
* PajamasMedia unveils its new open-bathrobe logo and changes its name to FlasherMedia.
* Glenn Reynolds answers the only honest e-mail from Nigeria and rakes in seven million dollars.
* Instapundit(.blogspot.com) becomes a group blog featuring Plague, War, Death, Famine, and Laurence Simon.
The appearance of a post at IMAO on a Saturday would not be a sign of impending Apocalypse, but rather a sign that the world has already ended.
Is IMAO diverse?
Q: Why doesn't IMAO have an African American contributor?
A: FrankJ tried to get one, but none wanted to write for IMAO at what he was willing to pay. So he got a Mexican to take the job.
(And then he brought me on so he would have a Jew to blame it on.)
Since it's Friday, I thought I'd spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka "I-MEOW").
Sure, some of the IMAO bloggers have cats, but apparently I'm the only one of them brilliant enough to combine cats and blogging without blowing them up in a messy explosion of fur and PHP codes.
Anyway, it's time for Nardo the Unwise:
If you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Nardo is... um...
Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.
April 13, 2006
Apparently, there's a lot of buzz over synchronized smell-o-vision with the new Colin Farrell movie
A theater audience in Japan will be sniffing their noses - literally - at a new Hollywood adventure film when it opens here later this month.
I don't know what the big deal is. I was at a Cheech & Chong film festival the other week and they had smell-o-vision working perfectly with all of the movies they showed.
Now that I think of it, maybe there was buzz going on with those films, too.
Bite-Sized Wisdom: Still Need More Coffee Edition
* I keep hearing how Iran is on the path to getting nuclear weapons, but I don't think that's a good thing. I've seen some of those people from the Iranian government, and, I'm sorry to say, I just don't trust them. I don't think they want nukes for peaceful purposes at all. Someone may want to do something about this.
* There was like a DNC rep from Texas on FOX and Friends to talk about illegal immigration, and I'm pretty sure she didn't speak English. They kept asking her complex questions about the debate, and she just stared like a deer in the headlights before responding with a couple words that seemed to be her best guess as to something related to the question. The FOX people looked like they were doing all they could not to crack up.
I'm not one of those "Speak English!" nazis, but if you're going to be representing one of America's two major two parties to an English speaking audience, it's kinda a good idea to at least be a little fluent.
* I don't like people who don't know English reading IMAO. Who knows what they may be thinking!
* My dog Rowdi chased my cat Sydney yesterday. SarahK got all mad at Rowdi, but, if Sydney didn't have something to hide, why did she run?
* There is all this debate about executing Moussaoui, but he just seems too goofy to be executed. I mean, he's just trying too hard to look evil, but it seems like the reason he wasn't part of the 9/11 attacks is because all the other terrorists knew he was just a goofball. Maybe we could set him up like we were going to execute - strap him to a chair and everything - and then have a bunch of people whack him in the crotch with wiffleball bats. That's seems more apropos.
Or kill him. Not like I'm going to lose sleep over it.
* My brother called me the other day and told me how he was training with live grenades and accidentally started the fuse while it was still in his hand. He still waited until the instructor said "Throw!" before tossing it, though.
Just a little anecdote for anyone wondering why I call him Joe foo' the Marine.
* Hopefully, Joe will get into Officer Training School in June. He should make a good officer since he now has combat experience and is quite smart for a Marine since he is able to count to twenty even with his shoes and socks on.
* I kid! Who doesn't like the Marines? If youíre stuck in Iraq with insurgents blowing stuff up all around you, it's not like the Navy is going to come save you.
* Then again, if I'm getting attacked by a giant squid, I hope they send the Navy. I had a college roommate in Navy ROTC, and half the classes were about learning the vulnerabilities of the dreaded squid.
* Sorry, but I'm just having trouble coming up with funny this week. I'm tired out on the illegal immigration topic, and nothing else is jumping out at me. Sometimes funny is easy, and other times it's like pulling teeth. Maybe I should go with the tried and true making fun of liberals.
* Have you seen liberals these days? What a bunch of morons. What kind of crack are they smoking? They should really go back to their crack dealers and say, "Hey, this crack you gave me is bad. Just look at these editorials I wrote in the NYTimes. That's really messed up, dude." Then the crack dealer will probably shoot the liberal since that's what crack dealers do. You really can't trust those guys. Never let them watch your kids.
* Any other advice about crack dealers? Please put it in the comments. People need to know.
A realistic plan for world peace.
The great thing about being a genius, is that great ideas come to you out of the blue at almost any moment of the day. This morning I was working through my RSS feeds and came across this story:
Then I came across this story:
Iran Leader: 'We Are a Nuclear Country'
Then it suddenly occurred to me! A sure fire way to avoid the coming nuclear apocalypse! So, in the name of world peace, I hereby offer the following to President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and the Supreme Revolutionary Council . . .
Forced into a financial crisis by the more rational members of the international community being unwilling to directly fund terror while the Arab League offers up pledge after pledge without actually paying the bills, Hamas is taking the airwaves in a fundraising campaign to keep the leaky and rotten ship that is the Palestinian Authority afloat:
Palestinian Foreign Minister Mahmoud Zahar of Hamas was to embark on a fundraising tour of five Arab nations on Friday, but was expected to be snubbed by officials in at least two countries, Jordan and Egypt. Nevertheless, Israel Radio reported on Thursday that Zahar said he would travel to Egypt on Saturday. Other stops include Saudi Arabia, Bahrain and Kuwait.
Doesn't this sound an awful lot like those PBS and NPR pledge drives?
So, you're probably curious about what you get with your pledges. Well, at the 100 Jordanian Dinar level, you get a plain white coffee mug that does not depict the Prophet Muhammad on it to show the steadfastness of your faith and devotion.
At the 300 Jordnian Dinar Level, you get a T-shirt that says "My dad was promised seventy-two virgins if he blew myself up in Tel Aviv, but all I got was this lousy T-shirt."
For 500 Jordanian Dinars, there's a lovely sack of Official Marwan Bargouti Throwing Rocks, perfectly balanced and tested for accuracy and impact against Israeli Border Police and the IDF.
At the 1,000 Jordanian Dinar level, you get a CD of "The Three Martyred Tenors" concert performance by Sheik Yassin, Abdel Rantisi, and Luciano Pavorati. (For 2,000 you get the DVD)
You'll get a pair of Israeli and US flags to burn if you contribute 2,500 Jordanian Dinars. Both have been manufactured with cheap, flammable material that burns easily. Or you can choose to lay them on the street and stomp on them repeatedly.
At the 5,000 Jordanian Dinar level, you'll get an official Yasser Arafat International Airport luggage tag. In fact, you'll also get a Yasser Arafat International Airport official, since they don't do much since the airport's closing in 2001.
And at the 10,000 Jordanian Dinar level, you get your very own Human Shield, courtesy of the International Solidary Movement. (Please specify male or female, hair color, weight, and what major they're studying at Evergreen University in Olympia)
This year, we're sad to announce that the matching program offered by Saddam Hussein of one barrel of oil per Jordanian Dinar is no longer available (Sorry, George Galloway), but the ministers attending the Arab League summit are working on an offer to kill a black Sudanese from the Darfur region for every PA bureaucrat you sponsor.
So call with your pledges today, martyrs are standing by.
Iraq's Beauty Queen Resigns After Four Days
Iraq's newly crowned beauty queen, Tamar Goregian, stepped down ó just four days after her election. She announced her resignation after receiving threats by a group of religious extremists who referred to her as "the queen of infidels" for participating in the contest.
Luckily, the runner-up was ready to step into the position . . .
April 12, 2006
Reuters Maintains Journalistic Standards
In their eagerness to shout "Dismal failure!" about the war, the Reuters news service blindly swallowed claims by Iraqi terrorists that they had video footage of them capturing a downed helicopter.
Well, they DID have footage - unfortunately the time stamp on it was March 19, 2000, and it was probably of a helicopter crash in Afghanistan.
So I guess I shouldn't have been TOO surprised over their coverage of the latest criticisms of Donald Rumsfeld (in the extended entry)...
By the way, the "INSIDE" quote from the General is... well, let's just say "fake, but accurate". [see third paragraph from bottom]
American Idol 5 top 8 elimination
Ryan thinks it's a good thing that tonight's show is an hour. Simon says America appreciates a bit of honesty. Yeah, about you and Kellie... forget it, I'm too tired. Anyway, the theme of Ryan's comments this year seems to be that Simon is grumpy and never says anything good. Maybe he's as disappointed in what this top 12 has turned out to be as I am? This is my 3rd full season, and I watched the last several weeks of season 2. This is definitely the worst top group I've seen. They're one of the most talented top groups, but they've been the messiest, the most erratic, the most boring, the most disappointing. Probably because they could have been the best, but it's just been one big suck with a few ok moments.
Oh no. They're doing a group song. Ok, are they all singing the same medley together? Because to me they appear to all be on different medleys... Ok, Bucky should've sang Under Pressure last night. This montage medley is killing me, I just can't wait for it to be over.
Ford commercial. No comment. Goodness, I'm sooooo tired today.
The messages from the parents... I liked the McParents, they were cute and funny, I see where Kat gets her McHumor. And wow, Kellie has a brother? Oh nooooo, he's soooo cute, and he's cute for real. Doggone.
Chris is wearing too much eyeliner again. Egads, he really for reals needs to fire that stylist.
Taylor, Katharine, Chris are safe. Kellie's next in the row, so I'm not hopeful. Looks like my bottom 3 prediction could be right.
Kellie's grampa seems nice. Where did he go wrong. Anyway, she's safe. This season sucks hard. The bit with Ryan, Kellie, and the handkerchief was as staged as Kellie's naivete. If I misspelled that, I'm tired.
The bit with Elliott's mom made me cry. I want him to win it all now. Elliott's in the bottom 3. He sings again. He's got such a great voice, I'm baffled by him being in the bottom 3. Really I am. I know a lot of people just don't get him (he's never impressed Frank much).
Ace's family seems really fun. He's singing again, because he's in the bottom 3 again. Mike Modano's Mama, this is even worse than last night. Apparently hockey's on the brain.
Bucky's brought new life to his town. Almost cried at that one too. I just hope it's Paris in the bottom 3.
And the bottom 3 are Elliott, Bucky, Ace. Who knows. Mandisa went last week, so maybe it'll be Elliott, the best guy voice. It should be Ace, hands down. Simon predicts Ace. Elliott's teeny up there between Elliott and Ace.
And Bucky is going home, so we have another week of the blasted falsetto.
Even if I tried, I don't think I could keep myself from dancing to "Bad Day". I love it so much, it's the only thing they're doing right with this season. But I will say... AN HOUR LONG SHOW AND WE STILL ONLY GET 1 VERSE OF THE BYE-BYE SONG? That's so wrong.
I'm so bored that I couldn't even yell at the idiot when she started in. But man, should tell her the the entire hour is not about her.
Why can't I stop watching? I guess I just keep hoping something good or something really egregious will happen (other than Kellie Pickler even being in the top 12), or someone will bust out and give *the* performance. Kellie will eat capers on her salad and think they're fish eyes, then she'll fall off her stilettos, Captain Tightpants's pants will split and reveal that he wears tighty whiteys (y'all know it's true, with pants that tight, there's no way Taylor wears boxers), Paris will trip on her weave, Katharine will sing something without putting a Broadway twist on it, or she'll *not* make a self-effacing comment. Chris will sing an 'NSYNC song and sound like a popstar (Simon will hate it). Elliott will wear a hat or sing without soul in his voice, and Simon will say it was his best performance ever, and I'll hate it. I'll stop wondering what Ace is doing in the audience when they show his older brother, and Ace will *not* butcher a song.
Maybe that's why I'm still watching. But I won't last much longer.
What an average lineup.
Another evil conspiracy foiled
Didn't Louis Farrakhan warn about those evil Jooooooooos luring blacks back to New Orleans with toxic mystery watermelons?
Last week, 9 News told you about an unusual phenomenon in St. Bernard Parish that has some experts baffled. Watermelons are growing in areas devastated by Hurricane Katrina, and no one seems to be able to explain why. The story of the Katrina melons has now sparked the interest of some biologists, who are curious about just what might be inside. Gary Ross is one biologist who made the trip to investigate the melons.
Maybe it was Jesse Jackson. Or Al Sharpton.
Oh well. I guess we'll just have to rely on Plan B: toxic Food Stamps with the poisoned glue on the back.
Carnival Of Comedy Reminder
The Only Thing She Wants Is to Be Loved and Bite People
SarahK has some great pictures of our Shepit.
This morning she saw an armadillo and got all excited. That was my first time seeing a (live) armadillo, but you didn't see me trying to dart towards it.
In My World: Too Many Mexicans!
"Yet another grand day of me being in charge of the world," President Bush said as he looked out the window of the White House. He then saw a new building next to his labeled "El Casa Blanca."
"What the--" Bush exclaimed as he quickly headed out of the White House to check it out. "That better be a new Mexican eatery!"
Bush went over and knocked on the door. A Mexican answered. "Who are you?"
"I'm the President of the United States, and you better explain yourself!"
"I'm Pedro, and I'm now the President! People voted for Pedro, so now I'm President and this is the new White House!" A number of Mexicans behind him yelled, "Yeah!"
"What?!" Bush exclaimed as he entered the building. "You can't be President! I'm President! You're breaking the law!"
"We're illegal immigrants, and your laws don't mean nothing to us, gringo!"
"Yeah!" the other Mexicans yelled.
"You don't treat us right," Pedro continued, "so we'll take what we want!"
"Yeah!" the other Mexicans yelled.
"But I've capitulated on this issue!" Bush whined. "If I capitulate anymore, I'll have to reregister as a Democrat!"
"Too bad! We want more! We want more respect and free money and beer and an XBox!"
"XBox 360!" another Mexican corrected Pedro.
"Yeah!" the other Mexicans yelled.
"An XBox 360!" Bush shouted. "That's completely unreasonable!"
"Well, you better all do as we say," Pedro answered, "or who will pick your beans?"
"Yeah!" the other Mexicans yelled.
"Well, obviously not you people," Bush said, "because you're all just sitting around here watching Telemundo and drinking beer."
"Shut up!" Pedro yelled. "And get out of our White House!"
"Yeah!" the other Mexicans yelled.
"Fine." Bush turned to leave, but he couldn't open the door.
"That door keeps getting stuck," Pedro said. "You really have to give it a good pull."
"Yeah!" the other Mexicans yelled.
Bush gave the other Mexicans an odd look.
"They don't speak English," Pedro explained. "I'm just told them to shout 'Yeah' to anything I say when talking to gringos."
"Yeah!" the other Mexicans yelled.
"Well, I don't care how much 'Si' men you have, there is only room enough for..." Bush started laughing. "Oh man; did you hear what I just said?"
Pedro laughed too. "That was funny, man."
"Anyway, there's only room enough for one President of the United States in this town!" Bush then stormed off.
"When we see you again," Pedro shouted, "you better have an X-Box for us!"
* * * *
"We have too many Mexicans now, and we have to do something about it," Bush stated. "Capitulation didn't work, so we need another solution."
"More capitulation?" White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan suggested.
"You're only allowed to take notes, tubby!" Bush shouted. "No talking! Anyone else?"
"We have to make it clear to the American people that we hate Latinos," Vice President Cheney said.
"But we don't hate Latinos," Bush answered. "We just don't like having illegal immigration."
"But I do hate Latinos!" Cheney turned to Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. "I hate you!"
"Go @#$% yourself!" Alberto replied.
"You stole my catch phrase, you thieving bandito!" Cheney leapt across the table at Alberto.
"Just remember how Texas was founded," Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld suggested. "It was founded by shooting Mexicans. We need to shoot Mexicans!"
"We're not shooting Mexicans!" Bush answered. He then turned to Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice. "You're the diplomat; what do you think we should do?"
Condi didn't hear him, as she was busy listening to a tape and repeating Spanish phrases.
"Fine," Bush said, "I'm calling the Mexican President." Bush picked up the phone and dialed a number.
"Hola! El Presidente Vicente Fox speaking."
"Hey, Vicki, come get your Mexicans!" Bush yelled.
"No! If they want to come to America, who am I to stop them?"
"If you were a better President and fixed the economy, they wouldn't want to leave Mexico."
"Yes, but just letting them leave to reduce unemployment is much easier than fixing the stupid economy."
Bush growled. "You may be better than your predecessor, but you're still a lousy president."
"Whatever. Anyway, I make pottery in my spare time. You want to buy some?"
"Come on, Dubya; you used to be cool. Buy some pottery."
* * * *
Vicente Fox stood out on a balcony to address his people. "I have just talked to the American President, and he said that America hates Mexico and Mexicans... and then he insulted my pottery! You all know what to do!"
"Let's move to America!" everyone shouted.
"That will teach him to not buy my pottery!" Vicente laughed to himself.
* * * *
"We used to be called the INS," an older ICE agent explained to a rookie, "but now we're called ICE."
He paused for a moment as they watched thousands of Mexicans run across the border.
He turned back to the rookie. "Anyway, sometimes I still accidentally say INS. Old habits die hard."
* * * *
"Stupid gringo president," Vicente grumbled to himself. "I can send as many Mexicans as I want into America." He walked onto his balcony. "So who is best president?" he called out.
There was no answer. Vicente looked about and saw nothing but a tumbleweed moving through the city.
"Hola? Any Mexicans left?"
An older woman wearing a sun hat and a camera around her neck walked into view. "My name is Doris, and I came here for the tourism but can't find any tour guides or any waiters. Can you give me a tour?"
"Hey, you want to be a Mexican citizen?" Vicente asked hopefully.
Vicente hung his head. "No one wants to be a Mexican citizen."
* * * *
"The White House is full of Mexicans!" Bush exclaimed as he looked at everyone hanging out in White House drinking tequila and throwing burrito wrappers everywhere. The phone then rang. "This better be about the Mexicans!" Bush answered.
"It is!" Vicente replied. "There's no one left in Mexico for me to be president of! Even the chupacabra is gone!"
"The chupacabra is here!" Bush exclaimed. He then turned to his wife. "Honey, make sure our goats still have blood!"
"Please send me back some of my citizens!" Vicente pleaded.
"I'll try." Bush hung up and looked to the interlopers. "Hey, Mexicans, your president says you have to go home now."
"But we like it here," Pedro answered as he took something out of Bush's living room.
"That's my XBox 360!" Bush yelled.
"Not anymore, gringo," Pedro said as he and his friends left.
"Aww, this has worked out horrible," Bush groaned. "Vicki has no citizens to rule, and I have no XBox 360. We're both miserable."
"This should be a lesson to you," Laura Bush said, taking a break from picking up the burrito wrappers. "When you capitulate on an issue, no one is happy."
"The guys who took my XBox are happy."
"Well... sometimes lessons are complicated."
Bush stood up with a look of resolve. "I'm going to go throw a rock through one of their windows!" He marched off.
Laura sighed and went back to picking up burrito wrappers. "Yeah, that'll solve it."
April 11, 2006
American Idol 5 Top 8
Um... Is that a sweater vest under Ryan's suit? Ryan says they're so excited to have a Queen night on the show. I'll bet you are, Ryan.
Poor Mandisa. I wish she were here. You people who didn't vote for her suck. Wait, I didn't ever get through, so I guess I suck too.
IDOLS 01... Bucky - "Fat Bottomed Girls". You know, Bucky has such a nice personality. I hope he stays and Kellie goes. I know, y'all are shocked. He's singing well, I'm happy with this. Especially since he's singing about girls with big butts. He should work on his enunciation again, but I hate to sound like Paula, so let's just forget it. His stage presence is good, he doesn't seem like a phony, he's got good style. I think the sound was bad, I don't think he was singing quiet, but they should turn up his mic. Or maybe I just want to like Bucky because he's nice. And because Mary Katharine loves him so.
REWATCH: I really like his rasp. And I enjoyed this a lot. Maybe he's just picking it up. What? He's married? I guess I didn't remember that.
IDOLS 02... Ace - "We Will Rock You". Everyone is loving on Freddy Mercury tonight. Especially Ace and Ryan. Queen: "I don't think we're gonna play your arrangement." They've gotta be dying thinking Ace is gonna butcher their song with a hi-hat. Oh my pain. Aaaaaaand there's the falsetto. I'll say this: The first phrase of every verse was good. After that: Major Suck. Wow. I told Frank that if Ace did falsetto anywhere in this song, I was sending him anthrax in the mail. Start ironing your mail, Ace! Um... if you get anthrax in the mail, it's not me, ok? I promise. Just alright for Randy. Paula: You bastardized it, but hey, way to go taking a risk. That was brave. Simon: Complete and utter mess. Maybe Simon is off Paula's drink now? We'll see after Kellie. Randy: Simon's right, I was trying to be kind. Ryan: Ace, did Queen make you uncomfortable? Ace: No, Ryan, you're cool.
REWATCH: I just LOVE his interaction with Queen! They just cringed at what he wanted to do. LOVE IT! Ok yeah, sucked the 2nd time too. I didn't even notice the microphone carry the first time. That makes it even funnier.
Wow. I just couldn't even write during that. I couldn't have hoped for more from this train wreck. BEST. SUCK. EVER! From the moment she arrived on stage looking like Elvira meets Billy Idol, Frank and I were laughing our butts off. Ok, Hellie, lemme just tell you... Mary Kay has some great moisturizers, including this green eye gel that works on the bags under the eyes. It works, believe me, I have it. And if you're gonna go for the naughty leather minx look, you should just go all out and get the leather jeans too. And what's with the wig? She has pretty hair, but if that's her real hair, it has become roadkill.
I couldn't have laughed harder at this performance, so it couldn't have been worse, nor better. I almost want to vote for her for delivering soooooo like UPS: horribly damaged, as expected. LOL, the dog just got so annoyed that she left us, walked to the tile floor, grunted, and lay down facing away from us. Anyway. Wow, um, just wow. I can't even... I'm like bowing at the TV set declaring my undying love for Kellie for coming through for me in the biggest way possible. Let's see what the judges say... OKAY, I SWEAR TO YOU, ALL THREE JUDGES ARE SLEEPING WITH HER! I thought it was just Simon, but this has changed my mind, it's all of them. It is crowded in Kellie's bed. Poor Katharine.
REWATCH: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! THANK YOU KELLIE!!!! THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!! THE HAIR GRAB WAS JUST ICING ON A HORRIBLY PERFECT CAKE! Oh, the stilletto boots. Perfectly Single White Trash Female. And I sooooooooooooooooo love that fantastically virgin knee-squat. Beautiful. *Sniff* Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
IDOLS 04... Chris is doing "Innuendo". They've never done it live. Queen loves him. Chris is the only one they've actually complimented for real. Ok, and we see the view from the top of Chris's head. Chris is wearing way more eyeliner than he's ever worn, and that's making me really uncomfortable. He's even got his brows penciled dark, and I'm scared. Stop it, Chris, stop it. No wait, I don't mean the singing, I mean the makeup. Stop the madness. Chris's wife is in the audience, and I think that's the first time we've seen her since the audition. Yeah, I'm voting for him, not the song. Simon just has a stick up his butt about Chris, and will as long as he does better than Simon's first love (Kellie, not Ryan).
REWATCH: It was still great, I'm still disturbed by the eyebrows and eyeliner. Woo. I missed that high note at the end. Bravo. Bravo.
IDOLS 05... Katharine is singing "Who Wants to Live Forever", which is not the song she rehearsed with the band. She's got that whole backlit thing going on like Bo had when he did the a capella song. Ok, I've gotta give Katharine the props. She finally took risks and held notes for longer than half a second like I knew she could. And with Mandisa gone, Katharine is vocally the best female left (hands down). Wow, are there only 3 girls left? Katharine, Paris, Kellie... well, 3 unless you count Ace. She doesn't look completely retarded, and I actually only have 1 wardrobe critique for her: I would have worn the belt down on the hips. Red is good, though. This was the best Katharine's been in a long time. If she keeps this up, I'll catch the McPheever.
REWATCH: A little pitchy at times, but I'm just so happy she finally stopped being safe. She tends to screech the long notes, but I'm still on board tonight. Let's just hope she keeps this up and doesn't revert to boring. Yay!
IDOLS 06... Dangit, I just voted for Elliott meaning to vote for Katharine. I hope Elliott's not boring tonight, or I just gave him a free vote. (It's great watching it Tivo'd because I can vote as soon as they're done singing.) Anyway, I voted for Katharine for reals this time. Ok, here's Elliott. My third favorite Jooo. Oh darn, I'm gonna get called a racist for mentioning the J-word. No wait, 4th favorite (Jesus, Lair, Roger, then Elliott). He's wearing brown, ok, I'm happy with my vote. "Somebody to Love". ELLIOTT! DID YOU AND CHRIS GO TO THE BEAUTY SHOP TOGETHER???? TOO MUCH MAKEUP!!!! Anyway, EASILY the best performance of the night. Oh, thank you, Elliott! Wow, I was hoping for not boring, and he was fantastic. Seems incredibly hard to sing, and he was outstanding. I'm so happy! I've been waiting for him to not be boring, and he came through! Yay!
REWATCH: LOL at the makeup. WHAT IS UP WITH THAT? The singing? Great the 2nd time around too. Still the best of the night, by far. Kudos.
IDOLS 07... Taylor. "Crazy Little Thing Called Love". Ok, the first 2/3 of the song, I was ready to drop him, thinking what a freaking disappointment he's become. The last 1/3, though, hooked me. That was perfect Taylor, and I'm back on the bandwagon. I must say... the thing where he tried to kick over the microphone and failed? High-Larious. The 2nd kick to make it go over played well. Taylor's a good recoverer. Anyway, by the end, I'm happy and remembering why Taylor was one of my favorites.
REWATCH: He's wearing the right clothes tonight. And again, I only like the last third, but it's enough to get the vote. Paula has her only good line all season: "I don't know whether we should give you a record deal or a straight jacket." Simon asks if Taylor is drunk, and after Kellie, I could ask Simon the same thing.
IDOLS 08... Paris. *Sigh* Just hearing Paris's name, I miss Mandisa. BTW, Ryan's funny in slo-mo. He Rarrs like Chomps. But he's not like Kellie retarded in slo-mo. Because wow, freeze-frame Kellie is the bomb, baby! "The Show Must Go On". Queen loves her. A'ight. When you have pudge and teeny fat rolls, you DO NOT GO ON STAGE IN TIGHT SPANDEX OVER YOUR TUMMY! BAD BAD BAD! I HAVE FAT! I DON'T WEAR SPANDEX! Anyway, the song. For some reason, she's reminding me of 'NSYNC. I don't know why, because I LOVE them, and she hasn't done anything for me since early early on. Blah. I thought it was forgettable, other than the clothing. Frank liked it, but he likes her and not Katharine.
REWATCH: :-( Hubby just went to bed without me so I can rewatch. I'm sad, because we always go to bed together. I did tell him that per my new schedule, we go to bed at 11 on Tuesdays, but he didn't listen. Wah. Oh yeah, Paris. Yawn. Queen loves her. Lemme be objective and not bitter due to her being here while Mandisa is at home eating bon bons like me. Ok, honestly, she's good except for when she does the "yeah, hey hey" bit. Then I'm out, because that's a very Joey Fatone bit, and I've seen it in Dallas and El Paso before 'NSYNC disbanded, so now I'm bored. She can sing the big long notes, I will give her that. Whew, look at that diamond on my finger. What were we talking about?
In order of vocals (*s get one vote, **s get two votes):
Oh yeah. Predictions. Bottom 3: Bucky, Ace, Paris. Ace is gone.
i just peed my pants!
ok, even if y'all don't watch American Idol.
do me a favor and watch tonight. it's going to be the best show ever!
i'd heard that Kellie Pickler was singing "Bohemian Rhapsody", but i couldn't believe it. USA Today has it, though, so maybe i'll believe it. (thanks to reader Leland for the link!)
but let me go on. please, let me go on! this is so fantastic i can't bear it. last week i thought i was getting close to done with this snoozer of a season, but if they're going to suck this big every week, how can i lay off? the snark will be dying to escape my pretty little brain! ok, so here's the scooby:
Ace - "We Will Rock You". with an R&B soul spin! Weeeeeee wi-hi-hi-hiiiiiillllll, weeee wi-hi-heeeee!-hi-lilly-i-hi-hill ro-ho-hawwwwawawawoak ye-hoo-e-ooo. it's going to be a disaster, and he's going to bring that hideous falsetto, i just know it! if he sucks as hard as i know he can, he'll be going bye-bye. come on, Ace, do it for me and your permanent scar!
Bucky - "Fat Bottomed Girls". now Bucky, you can't expect me to go easy on you just because you're going to sing about me!
Chris - "Innuendo". never heard of it. i think it's funny that Chris notes it's never been performed live by Queen.
Elliott - "Somebody to Love". He says there's soul in it. i hope that doesn't translate to bring on the yawns.
Katharine - "Who Wants to Live Forever". she probably won't take any risks and will be wearing something retarded. period.
Paris - "The Show Must Go On". without her hairflicking, preferably. she says it's her kind of song but still a bit rocky. bubble gum rock. sounds groovy.
Taylor - "Crazy Little Thing Called Love". boring and safe? it's been a pattern of late...
Kellie Pickler, my all-time favorite train wreck. i cannot wait for 8:00. "Bohemian Rhapsody". God loves me. she says it's hard to memorize since she only has a minute and thirty seconds of it. that'll be so great, her forgetting the lyrics while hitting a bad note. "Mama, just la-la-la" out of tune will be fabulous! the best, though, will be if she sings this part: "I see a little silhouetta of a man..." - I would die from my sides splitting open. Galileo!
Kellie, thank you. i haven't seen it yet, but i know it's going to be so much worse than i can imagine. i'm so happy i could fly.
The Solution to the Immigration Problem with Mexico Is a Communist Overthrow
An Editorial by Frank J.
Many people are trying to sneak out of Mexico into America. This is very understandable, because, if someone suddenly threw me in Mexico, I would probably sneak in here too. I'm not good with geography, so I don't know what country is south of Mexico and would be scared to sneak over there... as I bet are many Mexicans! The only problem is that America is just not set up to deal with that many Mexicans. Mexico has dealt with large numbers of Mexicans for a long time now and are simply better prepared for that. So how do we stop so many people coming here from Mexico?
"Your country sucking isn't enough to get refugee status."
The main idea is to improve conditions in Mexico so people arenít so desperate to leave, but let's think outside of the box for a minute. What if we made things worse in Mexico? You'd think that would cause more people to flee, but not if we make it bad enough.
Now, I've known many immigrants in my day, and they were all smart, hard-working people... people we're glad to steal from other countries. Those immigrants were all from China, Cuba, Vietnam, or the former Soviet Union. So what is similar with those countries? Yes, they're all Communist. If Communism has taught us anything, it's that it makes great American immigrants.
Communist countries really suck, but they also won't let people leave. Everyone is supposed to love their stupid "dictatorship of the proletariat" or they'll be executed. Since it's so hard to leave those countries, only the smartest, most determined people will make it out alive. And what happens when they come here through improper channels? They're declared "refugees" because they're escaping oppression. Mexicans are just escaping a sucky country, and your country sucking isn't enough to get refugee status. But, if youíre country was Communist, hey, letís help set you up in America, you poor bastards.
So, obviously, overthrowing the Mexican government and replacing it with a Communist regime is a super fantastic idea. Now, how to do that isn't exactly my expertise, but maybe you Mexicans should just start talking about the dissolution of private property and hopefully hotter heads will prevail. When you strike, I'd recommend doing it during siesta because no one will expect it. If Vicente Fox gets all angry as you execute him for being part of the bourgeois, just remind him that he had supported the plight of illegal immigrants in the past, and this is what needs to be done.
When itís all over, we should have a nice Communist dictatorship south of us closed to the outside world, and, if that doesn't solve a ton of problems, I don't know what can.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as "Stealing Ideas from Your Wife: She's Useful for Other Things than Cooking, Cleaning, and... You Know" and "The Communist Guide to Weight Loss".
Know Thy Enemy: Passover
Unlike "normal" holidays, Passover sneaks around the calendar and then shows up to distract us from our all-important Easter shopping. This obviously presents a threat to American society and our economy. Thus, I sent my crack research team to find out all they could about Passover.
So have a safe Passover, and watch out for Kaddeshed drivers.
Time to Put the Rumors to Rest
NASA has announced a plan to crash a probe into the moon with a collision so violent it should be visible from earth. I don't want people misinterpreting the purpose of this mission. I know many you think that, just because I'm a paid consultant to both NASA and the DOD for this project that was authorized by the President and is being overlooked by the Secretary of Defense, think that this mission is a precursor to "nuking the moon." That idea is so insane, it's crazy. The mission, as stated, is to simply find water.
"Why is a huge collision needed to find water?" you may ask.
Well, when looking for water, you want to give it a 110%. That means a huge explosion.
And why do we need moon water?
Yes, it may seem like we have plenty of water here on earth since two-thirds of the planet is covered in it, but the present consumption of bottled water is not going to meet up with supply. And where can we get more water? Mars? Mars is too far away. We need moon water.
So, this NASA mission is all about water on the moon, so put all your ideas about nuking the moon to rest. That idea is so crazy, it's insane.
Now, completely off-topic, if I were in charge of the design of a nuclear payload to crash into the natural satellite of some planet, what do you think should be written on it in big letters? I was going to go with "Eat this, moon hippies!" but I'd like to have some alternates for my upcoming presentation.
April 10, 2006
24 Day 5 - 11:00 p.m.
Graphic violence - yay, another main character will die this week. FRANK: Sweetie, they've said the graphic violence warning every week this season. SARAHK: Yeah, and a main character has died almost as often.
Previously on 24: Mr. F took over CTU, SexHarassman acted like an insecure worm, Audrey had to explain herself to Chloe, Wayne questioned Evelyn, Evelyn used the Kidnapped-Daughter Card (that's such a cliche among aides to first ladies), Robocop and Jack and Wayne had a big shootout, and Evelyn was shot in the leg. No Rico Suave after the first 5 minutes. And President Estro is bossing Robocop around.
Jack's talking to Audrey and tells her that Palmer's dead because Estro is bad. Audrey says "No way!" Jack says, "Way! We're gonna have to call your dad once we get the recording of Estro talking to Robocop, like, okay?" Audrey says, "If we can talk about our relationship later, you've got a deal."
Jack and Evelyn are in a hotel room, Wayne and the kid are waiting outside. Rico Suave still not in the show, and that makes me sad. Jack rips off Evelyn's clothes (to look at her gunshot wound), and they let the kid in to see mom while Jack and Wayne go on a super mission. Have I mentioned I'd much prefer to see Rico in this role?
Robocop is talking to Estro, and Robo says that he'll get the recording back. Estro says the plan was to make the country safer by having a nerve gas crisis (mkay), and everything just got super-scary and crazy when Robo decided to kill Palmer. "I mean, everything was going great when we were just plotting to kill the Russian president and kill innocent civilians at the mall and take over an airport terminal and execute innocents and kill everyone at CTU including that big old teddy bear Deadgar and put a Mentally Retarded Female in charge over CTU and disperse nerve gas into all the homes in L.A. But YOU! YOU had to go and execute the black man, just for funsies, and EVERYONE loves the black man! You ruined EVERYTHING!"
Chloe tells Mr. F that Estro's on line 1, and Mr. F says, "I'm totally sitting at Bill Buchanan's desk now, because it makes me feel pretty." Chloe half rolls her eyes and nods. "Yeah, I get it. I hate you."
Mr. F answers the phone, and Estro says, "Mr. F, it's 11 p.m. Do you know where your Jack Bauer is?" "My who? Oh yeah, him. He's supposed to be on his way here. But he's gone off the grid. Which means we can't find his destroyer nor his submarine. Need I even mention his Battleship?"
Estro tells her that he's issuing an executive order for Jack's arrest and framing. Mr. F says, "What'd he do?" Estro says, "You know, he killed that black guy that everyone loves. Even SarahK loved him, and she doesn't love anyone." Mr. F says, "But I thought you said he didn't do it, and now you're waffling... are you sure you're Republican?" and Estro says something about new information, like the information that he's a scum-sucking weasel not fit to lick Jack's boots, and tells Mr. F to keep the warrant on the down-low. "You mean like your sexual preferences?" "And yours."
Audrey fakes going over a report with Chloe so she can ask for a private secured super-strong cell-phone. Make sure it's a Sprint Treo! Chloe says she can do anything except smile and then notices the warrant for Jack flash across her screen. Audrey draws some black clouds and crows into the background and says ominously, "It's starting." Chloe says, "Oh no. I hope you don't mean our chamomile tea hour. I'm not ready! I'm not ready!"
Mr. F joins them and says she wants to talk to them about Jack's warrant. Audrey says, "I'ma go get some sleep, but yeah, why the heck is there a warrant?" Chloe mentions the teeny fact that someone else confessed and tells Mr. F that she should read the logs because she's a moron. Mr. F says she knows about the logs, and then writes down "check logs" on her hand in red pen.
When Audrey finally has enough, she walks out, and Mr. F calls SexHarassman and the new blonde chick Valerie, and they tell Mr. F the transponder is on Audrey's car. She says, "Yay! She'll lead us to Jack! I'm so excited!"
Chloe keeps typing.
Still no Rico Suave, and it's still the wrong Palmer brother that's alive and with Jack. Wayne says, "We don't need guns to rob a bank, right?" and Jack says, "Don't be a wuss. If we're gonna pretend to rob a bank, we have to have guns." And they're robbing the bank because they need to get to the safe deposit box where Evelyn had the evidence.
Jack, like Sydney Bristow, can disarm any alarm and pick any lock, so Jack and Wayne bust in to the bank manager's house and scare him and his wife. Manager tries to yell for wifey. Jack punches him in the throat. They tie up the wife and tell the bank manager they're going to the bank.
Audrey calls her daddy, and the SecDef is back on the show. He's gonna stop off in L.A. to see his Precious. Audrey calls Chloe from the gas station, and Chloe helps Whiny find the tracker on the car. She puts it on a big rig (18 wheels on one of those, you know). Audrey's jacket is pretty.
Estro and the Veep have a confrontation. The Veep is upset about the warrant for Jack, Estro tells him there's new evidence, and the Veep's like yeah right. Estro says that Walt must have been covering for Jack but now there's no doubt that Jack was the shooter. Aaron is in the room when the conversation happens, and Estro dismisses him so Aaron can go talk to the first lady in secret.
Evelyn falls down goes boom, and Amy, the bad daughter, calls 9-1-1. Bad girl calling 9-1-1 when your mommy's dying!
Estro has a press conference. Says he's a major hero. Marty is talking to Aaron saying that Estro really had a good day, what with thwarting madeup terrorists and whatnot. Aaron is "battle-worn" and calls Jack to ask if there's anything he can do for Jack. Jack says watch your back and don't blink. SarahK thinks Aaron's going to die heroically. Because we all love Aaron, and the writers hate us all.
CTU finds out that Audrey ditched the transponder, and Mr. F tells Harassman to find her. Something unimportant like that.
Jack and Wayne make the bank manager break into the bank, and Jack says, "No funny business, or I'll totally put a hit out on your wife. I can do that, because I'm Jack Bauer, and you're nobody." Management asks Wayne why they're there, and he recognizes Wayne. Jack, you should have taken Rico Suave. WHERE IS CURTIS? I WANT HIM BACK! NOW!
Anyway. Wayne tells him they just want evidence on who killed David, Management asks why they didn't just get a subpoena. Wayne says, "They're after me! They want to snatch my body! I'm scared!" and Management says, fine, whatever.
EMTs arrive for Evelyn, and Robo busts in and shoots the EMTs. Evelyn is barely lucid, Robo asks where Jack is, and Bad Amy screams for effect.
Marty and Estro are talking, and she's praising him like crazy. "You were magnificent!" "Magnificent! I could get used to being called that! Especially if it came from an attractive, neat, well-dressed man!"
Yeah, so it kinda sucks that now that Estro's grown a pair, he grew an evil pair. He gets a call from Robo, who tells him they're on their way to get Jack. Estro says tell me when it's done, and when Marty asks when what's done, she can tell he's lying.
NEWSFLASH! AUDREY IS ON MULHOLLAND HEADED FOR THE SCOOBY-DOO PASS! Or something like that. It would be incredibly heartbreaking (for no one) if she were to get run off the road and die.
Over-Sensitive Girl asks Chloe if she's got a minute. "No." I love her. Over-Sensitive is on to Chloe, but she doesn't realize it, because Chloe's way smarter than her.
The Robogang arrives at the bank so they can have a big hairy shootout. Robocop, of course, isn't there, so these guys are all wearing red shirts. Red's such a pretty color for a shirt.
They get into the safety deposit box and listen to a recording that implicates Estro and Robocop. Management now wants to help any way he can. Jack says he wants his car for a little longer. "My car??? But gas prices!!" "Don't worry, I'll bring it back with a full tank of gas!" They decide to trip the silent alarm so LAPD and Robogang can have a shootout, which the Three Amigos can use as a diversion.
Does SexHarassman do anything other than look like a worm? Just wondering. Chloe's corrupting the satellite feed (in private) so they can't track Audrey. SHMan realizes the server is corrupt, and Chloe's not at her desk. Meanwhile, she deletes the server files to some Mission Impossible Sean Callery tunes. He gets there, she's gone, he finds her coming out of the bathroom. He asks what she was doing. "Are you kidding? If you really want the details I'll write you a report."
Jack and his P99 (such a beautiful gun, I want to clean it and shoot it and caress it and load it with hollow points) lead the way out of the bank as the LAPD shows up. Military shows up too. Jack, Management, and Wayne run out and steal a police car, because that's what innocent people do. Management gets killed. His poor wife. Jack calls Audrey and says that Estro is for shizzay a bad guy. What a shocker ending! Estro's bad!
Next week: SecDef asks how they know the recording is real. Then he confronts Estro and tells him the gig is up. SHMan (turns out, his name is Miles, which is perfect for such a creep) sets up Chloe with the help of Over-Sensitive Girl and tells Chloe she's going to jail. Maybe at the end of the season, Chloe and Jack will escape overseas together! Jack tells Bill that Estro's bad and using the military to keep his secret (not the brokeback secret, the evil pair of balls secret). Jack gets in a shootout of some sort.
some things never change . . .
It was nice to see that Jacques Chirac solved the Youth Jobs Law controversy by resorting to that tried and true French institution: surrender. Of course, Chirac characterized it as "replacing" one provision for another. Yeah, kind of like when Nazi soldiers "replaced" French soliders in Paris in 1940.
Top Ten Reasons for Coming to America Illegally
People love America... they love it so much that they're flowing over the border as I type. So why do people come here illegally?
TOP TEN REASONS FOR COMING TO AMERICA ILLEGALLY
10. Lines for immigrating into the U.S. almost as bad as lines at the DMV.
9. Just want to get away from those hordes of attack Chihuahuas.
8. You always get hassled just because you're on the terrorist watch list.
7. Have a few pounds to lose, and you figured the jog across the border will do you good.
6. Coyotes are some of the most interesting people to chat with when locked up in the back of a truck.
5. Just tired of pretending to like that gay sport soccer.
4. Authentic Mexican food is okay, you really prefer Taco Bell.
3. ďThat's your minimum wage!Ē
2. Your friend Cesar snuck over years ago, and now he's rich and famous for walking the dogs of spoiled celebrities.
And the number one reason for coming to America illegally...
You see how long you can live in Mexico before you just want to escape somewhere.
Asky Editor Ducky (Filling in for the NY Times)
I found a link on Michelle Malkin's blog about the NY Times taking questions from readers. Boring!! They're not going to answer any of the good, hard hitting questions. That's MY job!!
"By what authority?" you might be asking. Well, right now, millions of Latinos are marching through the streets to rally around a cause. Do you know what that cause is?
That's right. My Birthday.
Somebody as popular as I am must be endowed with some sort of authority, so as of this moment I, Editor Duck, will field all those questions you would normally write to the NYT Editor.
Fire away no question is too tough. As my people say "Si, Si Se Puede!"
Please start all questions with "Dear Editor Ducky"
Like Something Out of a Horror Movie!
Man, I've been stuck in a little room all day writing a report and working with an Excel sheet. I didn't have any coffee or food or a radio, and I thought I was going to go mad.
Yeah, yeah, I know you want the funny and not excuses. Well, sorry; excuses are easier. Anyway, I'll check the news and see if I can hack something together...
Jews vs. Porn
Apparently, there's a group of ultra-orthodox commandos out there hacking Hebrew porn sites.
I guess someone translated Leviticus 11 wrong again. It's supposed to be a prohibition against consuming pork, not consuming movies and photos of porking.
My Birthday: Another year wiser? Yeah, right!
Today is my birthday. Wish me happy brithday!!
:: shakes fist::
I think you'll agree that the world is a better place with me in it. Right?
Agree with me!
:: shakes fist ::
I want to thank those those who visited the RWD site and contributed to my B-Day fund. Specifically, I want to thank BOTH of them. Sheesh, you'd think I'd be more popular...
Last night I had a wonderful revelation. My daughter and I spend a lazy Sunday afternoon at Borders bookstore, sitting on the floor of the kids book section, reading away. I was reading Dave Barry (my writing idol) and she was reading her Magic Treehouse series. After about 20 minutes, my whole body was numb from sitting on the floor. She suggested we find a couch. Smart girl. Anyway, she bounced up and skipped to a couch nearby. I took about five minutes of trying to loosen my joints. Unable to shake it all out, I ended up crawling to that couch on all fours. Really, it couldn't have been more humliating if a nearby toddler had tried to crawl up on my back to play horsey.
So I realized that getting older means getting older. I'm not happy about that. But rather than focus on the bad, I'm grateful for the blessings that I do have:
I have most of my hair. Sure, it's on the outer edges of my head, but I have most of it. And the ear supply seems to be increasing!
I have two wonderful kids. Last night, baby boy was crying and I went to check on him. Turns out that one of the diaper tabs had broken. Had I not caught this, this morning would not have been so happy. Or so clean.
I get to write at one of the craziest, whackiest websites in the world. . And at IMAO, too!
I've never tracked it, but I'm sure I have at least 10 IMAO readers who read my stuff faithfully.
My wife still loves me. I don't know what I do, but she does. That is soooo coool.
It's been ages since the dog had an accident in the house. Excellent.
Sure, the family is flat broke, but everyone is healthy. Still, we wish we had money.
I think I'd give up a limb for $10,000.
I think, I'm not sure. Depends on the limb.
If it weren't for politics, I'd have nothing to laugh at. Embarassingly enough, real life is starting to eclipse anything I could make up!
Think about this: The French youth are rioting because nobodty will give them job security!
It used to be a good thing when a young man would say, "I'm here to set your business on fire!"
Now, it's a standard part of the riot process.
Coffee! Coffee has to be counted as a blessing in my life. What would I do without it?
I'm sure I'm missing something.
Oh yeah. I have to take this day and thank God for the gift of life. Today is the only day I have, I might not get another one. But I'm glad I keep getting them and getting them.
Happy Birthday to Me!
April 08, 2006
Help Frank Get His Bona Fides
I know I probably shouldn't be asking for favors after not delivering "teh funny" the past couple days (in my defense, how was I supposed to compete with things such as Iranian Missile Command?), but it looks like there might be some interest in my short story. It still needs edits, though, and that's where I need some help. I need some people willing to give it a critical look over and help spot the areas that could be improved. The story is here and comments on the story go here. First take a look at Paula Goodlett's comments as a starting point.
Thanks you to all those who have already commented. More funny is coming soon, BTW.
Coming soon to a theater near you . . .
I came across this really cool website, where you upload a picture and it tells you what famous people you look like. It's fun to play around with. It can be hard to get on during peak hours, but I highly recommend a visit: http://www.myheritage.com/
Here are some potential actors for an IMAO movie . . .
April 07, 2006
A Message To Instapundit
Which leads me to wonder what I should send to drop him a hint. A sort of subtle intervention, as it were.
This book says "it's time for you to get some help for your liquified canine addiction":
This book says "your last human sacrifice managed to leave a trail of clues, although you would've gotten away with it if it handn't been for those meddling kids."
This book says, "if you're going to practice a religion, then practice it religiously."
This giant flag featuring every protester's favorite dead 3-letter-name commie says "Mao is SOOOOOO 20th century. Get hip. Get trendy. Get sex from slutty hippy chicks. Get Che."
This book says "if you're going to punch Frank J., for Heaven's sake, do it right."
This CD says "how you dance is none of our business, but please do it in the privacy of your own home".
This 2006 Calendar says "I won't judge you, even though I disagree with your 'choice of lifestyle'"
And finally, this T-shirt says "wear one of these, and people will stop calling you King Dork."
Any messages YOU'D like to send to Instapundit?
I'd like to mention a few important milestones:
The smaller milestone: Monday will be my birthday!! Mark that on your calendars and try to convince your bosses that it's a special relgious holiday. I have a special birthday request at the RightWingDuck website. Please visit.
Secondly - and this is HUGE - IMAO passed the 5 millionth visitor mark today.
This is truly humbling. It means that at least a couple of thousand people have read my humor columns: The other 4.99 million Are Google searches for various people naked. And kinky things with animals.
Remember: IMAO is the only humor website proven to lower your cholesterol! **
IMAO:The Happiest Place On Earth!! ***
**This statement not evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration and the Department of Motor Vehicles.
*** I hope the people at Disney don't read this.
Number one with a bullet (dug out of a looter's leg)
Sports Illustrated did another one of their Top Ten photo lists today featuring the ten toughest places to play in the NFL...
I strongly condemn Sports Illustrated for not making the obvious joke by ranking the Superdome in New Orleans #1.
The Weekly "Sorry, But I'm Busy" Post
Sorry, but I've been really busy the past couple days with a bunch of tedious number crunching. Still, I plan to write and release the next IMAO Newsletter over the weekend and promise to put "teh funny" in it. So, make sure you're signed up.
My head hurts. I'm going to go drink more coffee now.
Sure, some of the IMAO bloggers have cats, but apparently I'm the only one of them mad enough to Friday Catblog. Is there anything more mad than catblogging?
Anyway, it's time for Fencekitty Piper:
If you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Piper is... um...
What This World Needs Is a Good Story of a Cowboy Fighting a Dragon
I thought I'd give my fantasy western short story one more shot before moving on. Thus, I've submitted to the Baen's Universe (an SF magazine) one more time.
You can read it here and comment on it here. Please do read and comment on it (it takes a short registration) as it makes me look good and helps get me noticed (and you get to see my last name for the curious). I'll always keep blogging, but I need to get some traditional writer bona fides. I know you all want to help me as then you'll be able to say to people, "I was reading Frank J. back when he was only somewhat famous; you only knew him after he was super-famous."
Carnival of Comedy #49 had no host, but Fitch of Radioactive Liberty volunteered at the last minute and saved the day. Yay, Fitch!
Visit the Carnival of Slackers where he takes all the non-hosts (us) to task for not hosting.
If your work is featured in the Carnival, remember to link to it, real unslacker like.
Thanks to Fitch we have ourselves a carnival!
Ad we NEED HOSTS! I'll be hosting the anniversary (52nd) Carnival, but the rest are open! This could be your chance to be somebody!
Thanks again to Fitch.
April 06, 2006
Iranian Missile Command
A lot of people are getting concerned about the daily announcements of nuclear weapons research, guided missiles, radar-avoiding missiles, flying invisible boats, and super-cavitating torpedoes coming out of the Islamic Republic of Iran these days. Thank goodness that we've got the largest and best-equipped military in all the world, right?
Well, maybe not. Iran is letting the Zionist-controlled world know that they won't be as easy of a pushover as Saddam was in 2003:
"The missile command of the Guards' naval force ... via positioning various types of surface-to-sea missiles, is able, while defending the coastlines and islands, to confront any extra-territorial invasion," the official Islamic Republic News Agency quoted Safavi as saying.
This begs the question: What does the Iranian Missile Command look like, anyway?
Thanks to Top Secret Zionist IMAO Spy Shlomo Ben-Kevin, we now have exclusive photos of Iranian Missile Command:
And if you're wondering what the smartbombs look like, a certain Danish cartoon of Mohammed with a bomb in a turban should give you a clue.
Review: Newest Google Map is Lacking in Detail, Features
In my opinion the newest google map deal is just useless, it doesn't even go down to street level nor does it give driving directions. There is no way to find businesses nearby,just maps. That's all there is, maps.
And something's wrong with the map color scheme too, everything appears all rainbowy.
Seems to me like, I don't know, RED would be predominant. Good thing it's free is all I have to say.
April 05, 2006
McKinney Supports Capitol Hill Police
During a press conference today, Congresswoman Cynthia McKinney (D - Georgia) reiterated her support for the Capitol Hill Police.
"Those CHP are my favorite people ever," McKinney said, "I have all 6 seasons on DVD."
"Plus," she added, "you have to admit - Ponch has the dreamiest smile."
At this point Rep. McKinney was pelted with a barrage of rotten vegetables, leaving her unable to comment on whether she also supports Wilmer Valderrama's assumption of Erik Estrada's role in the movie scheduled for release in 2008.
In My World: A Smashing Success Against Iran
"Nothing better than a day at the beach," President Bush said as he waded in the water. "Well, maybe a barbecue is better. And I certainly like talking to myself as if to set the scene for some unknown observer."
Suddenly, he felt something.
"What just brushed against my leg?" Bush demanded as he pulled out his .45 revolver. He then shot the large object he saw swimming past him. It soon exploded.
"You better explode if you're going to touch me!" Bush yelled.
An aide yelled from shore, "You just stopped an Iranian missile attack!"
"Of course I did," Bush responded. "I stop lot's of things." He paused for a moment. "Except for runaway spending and illegal immigrants."
* * * *
Bush had a meeting in his war room. "Clancy, you're some sort of intelligence guy, right?"
"You don't have the clearance for me to answer that," said a man who may or may not have been named Clancy.
"Aren't I cleared for everything?"
"You're supposed to think that," Clancy answered Bush.
"Can you at least tell me about Iranian weapons technology?"
"Again, you don't have the clearance to know whether you're allowed to know about Iranian weapons technology," Clancy replied. "I will show you what we know about Iranian weapons technology, but do not construe it as an answer to whether you're allowed to know about Iranian weapons technology. Understand."
"Uh... not at all."
"Excellent." Clancy then showed some slides. "These are pictures of an Iranian underwater missile like President Bush encountered and destroyed. The Iranians also have a flying boat."
"An underwater missile! A flying boat!" Bush exclaimed. "There is so way we can defend against that!" He turned to Condoleezza Rice. "I want you to draft a surrender to the Iranians. See if they'll take Minnesota as a peace offering."
"Bah!" Rumsfeld shouted out. "Back in my day, if the enemy got shinier toys, we'd just smash them with bats."
"Brilliant idea!" Bush shouted. "Thinking like that is the reason I've yet to fire you! Let's get some bats and smash things good!" Bush turned to Condi again. "Will this affect us diplomatically?"
"I'm tired of diplomacy," Condi answered. "Let's smash stuff!"
"How does Iranian weapons make you feel?" Rumsfeld asked his rottweiler Chomps.
Chomps growled and snapped at the air.
"It seems to make him angry... very angry," Bush observed. "Well, let's get to this. Cheney, you hold up shop while we're gone. If anyone asks where we are, you shoot him in the face with a shotgun to change the subject."
"Go @#$% yourself."
"That's my Cheney!"
* * * *
"If the map Clancy gave us is correct, that's the Iranian weapons research facility," Bush said as he, Rumsfeld, Condi, and Chomps hid in the bushes and the darkness of night, bats at the ready. "We better move quick; they're baseball bat-proofing their research tomorrow."
"I see a security camera," Condi remarked.
"Don't worry; I have a plan," Bush stated. He then walked up to the camera and smashed it with his bat. "My plan worked! Let roll!"
They charged into the building and began smashing everything they saw with bats as Chomps tore things apart with his teeth. "Smashy-smashy!" Bush yelled as he hit some computers.
When they were done trashing the place, Chomps coughed up a radiation warning label.
"I think he swallowed some plutonium," Rumsfeld said. "That won't settle his stomach well."
"He just better not grow fifty-feet tall and destroy cities," Bush declared.
A man then entered the room. "What's going on here?!"
"It's an Ayatollah!" Bush shouted. "Let's smash him good!"
"Rarr!" Rumsfeld yelled as he charged the man.
* * * *
"Iranian officials say that much of their research and numerous Ayatollahs were smashed in the attack," the news anchor said. "Iranians say the crime was perpetrated by..."
Bush braced himself.
Bush turned off the TV as he let out a sigh of the relief. "It's good we have Jews around to take all the blame for everything." He turned to an aide. "How are my poll numbers doing?"
Bush shook his fist in the air. "Jooooos!"
Progress marches on, and occasionally stops to molest children
Okay, so this might look bad for the Bush Administration and the whole "tough on terrorism" kind of thing:
A deputy press secretary for the U.S. Department of Homeland Security was charged with using a computer to seduce a child after authorities said he struck up sexual conversations with an undercover detective posing as a 14-year-old girl.
But think of it for a minute. There's a bright side to all of this that people are overlooking. That computer that Brian Doyle used was most likely a garden-variety PC with an inexpensive broadband connection, available to people of nearly every income level these days.
Let's go back for a moment, shall we?
To get that equivalent level of child-seducing computing power back in the 50's, you had to have rooms and rooms of vacuum-tube systems arranged in thousands of cross-connected racks. And with all of the equipment failures and the lack of computing time available because of tight scheduling with other seemingly more important projects (ballistics tables, census statistics generation, billing record manipulation, etc.), the system rarely had the time to compile and compute those stacks of punchcards and switches set to seduce a child.
Even if you did have the time for a calculation run to proposition and seduce a child, you still needed bandwidth to do that over. And before DARPA, cross-connection was expensive and unreliable.
You're even assuming in all of this that your target child had access to a massive mainframe structure of their own to communicate back. Only the richest and most powerful kids out there had such things, and let's face it: who really wants to pull an Uncle Ernie on Richie Rich?
In fact, the only advantage computing gave to the prospective child predator was that the catacomb-like arrangement of the mainframe itself was easy to get lost in and the tripping of relays could muffle the sound of a resisting child.
So three cheers for Progress. Because whether it's simplifying doing your increasingly-complex tax returns or easing the hunting ritual of hideously disgusting perverts, man's command of the ever-advancing march of technology is to thank.
(Well, that and parents who let computers and televisions act as unsupervised electronic babysitters. Not even Homeland Security can protect your family from that.)
Michelle Malkin: Evil Mutant Blogger?
A law professor has PROOF - proof with NUMBERS AND TIMES - that no mortal human can do the blogging that Michelle Malkin does. Malkin certainly does blog a lot for someone who reportedly HAS NEVER DRANK A PUPPY SMOOTHIE! Malkin responds to these charges - perhaps responds to the them TOO WELL!
I can only conclude that the way that Malkin can write columns, write books, appear on TV, and blog is that SHE IS SOME SORT OF MUTANT BLOGGER! This is indisputable for I HAVE WRITTEN IT IN CAPS! If Malkin uses a mutant tentacle to SUCK YOUR BRAINS OUT AND BLOG YOUR THOUGHTS, please tell IMAO so WE MAY WARN OTHERS!
The Hippies, The
Oh, it's not something they'll ever air. More of a fan film, really.
On the other hand, considering that Vault has made it acceptable to fire lasers at hippies, maybe this thing might come to the small screen after all.
UPDATE: The extra-happy 60-second version of the Vault scarecrow commercial.
It's Civil War: Time to Withdraw!
As I turn off my television set, those images of mindless violence have become seared, seared into my mind. I watch those scenes of mayhem as young men fight against each other, then smash windows and set vehicles on fire. Sure, we went in under the guise of liberating a country, but now as it descends into what clearly appears to be a civil war, we have to look into our collective soul and ask ourselves:
Is It Time for the United States to Withdraw from France?
Was it reasonable to think we could take this country and instill in them our American values?
In America, our people riot for good reasons such as victories by our favorite sports teams. In France, young people riot because the government refuses them the right to complete job security. So they set about burning, looting, thrashing, and asking themselves a very important questions such as: "Why can't they offer us more money?" and "When will people respect our decisions?" and the really important one-: "I wonder if I can put this on my resume?"
This highlights an important difference in cultural mindset.
America has always been that shining light upon the hill, and sometimes we thought that France could follow our example. For a while, we thought they were, except it turns out that their shining light on the hill was really a burning Renault.
Right now, many French labor unions are on strike: transportation workers, teachers, and government workers. That is their right: every employee, by law, is allowed 7 paid days for general social mayhem.
And that leads us to an important point: The French see the concept of work completely different than America does. Here in America, we value honesty, integrity, and hard work more than we value anything else: especially personal gain. Witness the success of American firms such as WorldCom, Arthur Andersen, and, most recently, General Motors.
Sure we take time off around here: we get two weeks vacation, and a few special holidays. In France, most workers get six weeks of paid vacation. Additionally, they enjoy many special holidays such as: Day of the Worker, Recovery Day from Day of the Worker, Ramadan, Jerry Lewis' Birthday (which they celebrate happily and loudly) the birthday of Marcel Marceau (which for some reason they celebrate quietly), and a special holiday called Lundi.
Now France is burning, nobody is working, and President Chirac's polling numbers are so bad that President Bush called him asking, "Which country did YOU invade?!"
So let us leave France to fight this civil war that, I'm sure, we can only blame on America. We demand the immediate withdrawal of American troops before more French cars are lost. Let France, under the guidance of Secular Providence and Shariah law, rebuild itself. Sure, one day they might buckle under to the Muslim youth, but at least they can face them head on and repeat the words of the famous Marcel Marceau when they say: " "
Let these young people have the lifetime employment they deserve. Many of them don't do windows, but that's okay. At this point: there aren't that many windows left.
April 04, 2006
American Idol 5 Top 9
Kenny Rogers! Yay! Wow, he looks fantastic. Actually, not so much like Kenny, but I know that's Kenny, because it's his voice. Lots of plastic surgery? Anyway, who cares, it's Kenny, and I don't care if he gets Dolly's boobs put on his body, as long as he can still sing.
Kenny is saying what he means and not sugarcoating. Yay! I love it! He actually said Taylor seemed weak at first. That's awesome, I like when they tell the truth.
IDOLS 01... So Taylor is singing "Take Me Home, Country Road" by John Denver. That was one of Taylor's most boring performances ever. I don't think he's ever sang a bad note, though. He's never flat, never sharp, so we know he's talented, but that was a horrible song choice. It was exactly as Simon said, safe and boring. Rewatch: Oh, I do love his high notes. Still boring. And oh my dear Captain Tightpants, please please loosen up.
IDOLS 02... Mandisa is singing "Any Man of Mine" by Shania Twain. First of all, it's a Shania song, so that's strike one. And once she sings her first phrase, I know it's the wrong song choice for her. The whole song was awful. Way too deep in the low range for her for most of the song. PAULA: "Mandisa, you can sing the phone book, you can sing the Encyclopedia, you can sing anything." SARAHK: "Yeah, but she can't sing that song." Re: wardrobe. I'm disappointed. It's not as modest as she usually is. And she really just shouldn't wear jeans. Rewatch: Note to Mandisa: You don't need to sing teasin' squeezin' pleasin' kinda songs. It was just uncomfortable for me.
IDOLS 03... Elliott's singing "If Tomorrow never Comes" by Garth Brooks. I'm not a big Garth fan, but he has great songs (make sense?). Elliott's wearing brown, so of course, he gets my vote, as that's my recently confessed favorite color. Anyway, it's good, a little subdued and safe, but kinda the right balance of smooth v. warbling. I personally liked it a lot and enjoyed it more than Garth. Plus Elliott took liberties with the melody, and I like that. Did Paula just say that "If Tomorrow Never Comes" is a hard song to sing? No, it's really not, but I don't care. Simon agrees. Rewatch: I enjoyed it just as much the second time around. He's probably my #2 tonight.
IDOLS 04... Ryan is asking Paris how many hairstyles she can possibly have. I dunno, Ryan, how many over-priced t-shirts can you possibly have? She's singing "How Do I Live" by Trisha Yearwood if you're country, Leann Rimes if you're pop (sorry, but Leann's version was the lesser of the two, because she was way too much about herself on that song). Here's hoping that she's singing Trisha... aaaaand she's not. The first "ever survive" was... um... wait, Frank, can you pause the DVR? I'm not done baggin' on Paris. Anyway, the first ever survive was screechy and just offkey enough that I couldn't tell if it was sharp or flat, but it made my face hurt listening to it. The second one was fine. She looks great, I love every part of the outfit, including the hair. Oh look at me being Paula. "Paris, you're beautiful tonight, so you should be proud." Really, the song was awful. And Simon must be doing that reverse psychology thing. ? BTW, didn't Jessica sing this song last year and it was awful? Rewatch: Just really did nothing for me. And I really didn't like the cuts, it could have been cut much better. Just doesn't flow. Eh, not impressed.
IDOLS 05... Ace is next, and Kenny's like, "Ace sings with his heart" (hearts don't make pretty music), so we know this is gonna s-u-c-K. He's singing Keith Urban's "Tonight I Wanna Cry". This is terrible and boring and ... sorry, I was sleeping. What's going on? Oh yeah, Paula's talking. Anyway, I was praying for him to leave off the falsetto, because his falsetto makes me wanna cry, but he had to do a whole phrase of it and not just one note, and that means there's all kinds of cringing goin' on up here in the house of J. Ryan: "Ladies, he's officially single." Translation: "Like Clay Aiken and me, Ace has failed to find the right woman." Wink wink, nudge nudge, I heart Kathy Griffin. Rewatch: The purple tulips I bought today are very pretty. It wasn't as awful the second time around. The chorus sounds like the chorus from "Wind Beneath My Wings", now that I hear it again. I was too busy hating it the first time. It's still fairly off-key, and there's that dreadful falsetto. Yech.
[HELL AIN'T FROZE OVER YET, Y'ALL]... Kellie Pickler is next, dressed in her jeans and brassiere. Nice girl, that Kellie Pickler. Ok, so Ryan asks her, "Are you really as big an idiot as you pretend, or are you faking, you big phony Earsore?" "No, really, I never heard of calamaray, and salmon has an L in it." Yeah, well Kellie, "pseudo" has a silent "p" - don't hurt yourself trying to figure out how to pronounce it - also "fake" has a silent "e" but it's not pronounced "fakey" unless I say "fakey fake Kellie Pickler", and "pretense" also has that big fat silent "e". But you know what, now that Ryan axed you if you're fake, and you said, "Naw, I wouldn't even know how to spell fake, what with that silent 'e' and all", I believe ya. You must be the real thang!
Oh how I love it when they read what I write about them.
EEEEEEEEE!!! OK! WHEN I WAS THINKING THIS WEEK WHAT SONGS EVERYONE WOULD SING FOR COUNTRY NIGHT, I KNEW SHE WAS GOING TO SING "FANCY" BY REBA! Poor Frank, I just turned and screamed that at him at high volume. Kenny: "This is the perfect song for her." SarahK: "Yeah, I know, it's about a prostitute, and we've seen that prom dress!" For the record, I think Chris is going to sing "Papa Loved Mama" or "Rodeo" or something by Toby Keith.
I'm going to hate myself in the morning ("but I'm gonna love you tonight") and blame it on Paula's vodka, but she was actually on-key most of the time. I have to be honest and say she sang well. But I can dis the hand gestures and laugh at the fact that half of voting AI watchers think she's a tramp (allegedly) and what a perfect song that makes it for her. For once, I'll say this: Great song choice, Kellie!! Rewatch: Don't walk and sing your low notes at the same time. I do really wanna know why she must pronounce "uptown" "upchown". And she's pretty weak when she needs to be strong. And she's still a major phony. You might fool a lot of people, but I was married to your type once upon a time (no, not a girl, a phony), and I knows 'em when I sees 'em.
Sweet, Frank left all his sauce from the Cranberry Barbecue Chicken I made tonight, so I totally get to finish it off.
IDOLS 07... Chris is singing "Making Memories of Us" by Keith Urban. That was awesome. We finally see the softer side, no jumping around, no flipping the mic stand, that was fantastic. Simon says that it was nice to see the softer side (we were all brainwashed by that Sears commercial way back, no?) but that for the last 2 weeks all the contestants had horrible song choices. You can't blame them for last week - the last 6 years haven't been the greatest for music (except Dave Matthews and Toby Keith and a few others), and this week - um, what, do you expect Chris to know all the country songs and pick the very best? Let's see how Kellie does Nirvana week. Rewatch: It was beautiful this time too. Well done.
Frank just said, "So why do we have this guy from the chicken restaurants coaching these singers?" and if he wasn't joking, it would be the end of him.
IDOLS 08... So. Katharine hates me (why do they always front me?). She's singing Faith Hill's "Bringing Out the Elvis", and we know how I feel about that (scroll to Melissa McGhee). That's OK if she hates me, the only ones I really want to love me are Mandisa, Chris, and Taylor, if I'm telling the Kellie-Pickler's-honest truth. Goodness, girl, are you letting Kellie pick your songs? You know she wants to sabotage you, right? No, wait, she's just a sweet, All-American country bumpkin who wouldn't sell her own mother up the river to get what she wants. Oh how I hate this song. She's wearing brown and purple, so you know I'm gonna love the wardrobe. Ok, so it was one of the best of the night, because tonight has been awful. Screechy on the high notes. Rewatch: Much better the 2nd time around, because I was over it being a song that I hate so much, but she needs to make sure she stays on the mic all the time. Anyway, it was really good on the repeat.
IDOLS 09... Bucky is singing "Best I Ever Had"... um, by Vertical Horizon. I guess Gary Allan released it in 2005, but I immediately said, "That's a rock song. I know that song." Sure 'nuff. It's on that album where the girl is cartwheeling into the water or something like that. "You're a God" is on the same album. But he didn't sing it rock, so I'll give it to him. It was good, pretty, boring, safe, too understated. He must think he's not on the bubble any more since he wasn't in the bottom 3 last week, so he's not going for it. But really, no one is, so whatever. Rewatch: Still pretty, still boring, pitchier than it was before, and very forgettable.
Vocally, tonight (voting for the * ones once, ** ones twice where Frank and I both vote):
Prediction: This is pulled straight out of my pinkytoe, because this was such an awful week that it's really hard to predict. Bottom 3 will be Ace, Mandisa, Bucky. No wait, Ace, Paris, Bucky. But if there's a big shocker this week, it'll be that Bucky is safe, and Taylor is in the bottom 3. Ace goes home.
Questions For McKinney
This was written by an IMAO regular and my friend Shane.
After about three semesters of college, I became convinced Computer Engineering was the wrong field for me, mainly because I was failing my basic engineering courses and getting high marks in 400 level English Literature classes as a Freshman and Sophomore. For a brief time (read "about 2 days") I wondered if I shouldn't change my degree to Journalism and become a reporter. Thankfully, that
Still, I have these moments, especially while watching (or more likely reading about) any press conference involving a politician, where I wish for one brief moment that I had scratched the journalism itch. I can't help but think I could come up with much better questions to ask. Much more pertinent questions, grounded in the generally shared reality, rather than the substitutional reality shared by most major media reporter types.
Such a case came up this morning, while reading about Georgia
- Mrs. Mc
- Mrs. Mc
- Mrs. Mc
- Follow up to Mr. Hayes: As a kid, I used to love listening to the soundtrack to "Shaft" on the bus to school. Today, with your work on the South Park series, you've become popular again with the kids? Mr. Hayes, do you really believe that Trey Parker and Matt Stone are being directed by The Galactic Overlord Xenu to defame $cientology?
- Mrs. Mc
- Mrs. Mc
- Mrs. Mc
- Follow up for Mr. Glover: Sir, I loved the Lethal Weapon movies and I thought your work in "The Color Purple" was nothing short of Oscar worthy... But don't you think standing here with Mrs. Mc
- Mrs. Mc
- Mrs. Mc
Yeah, so I'd be booted from the room before I could get the first question fully formed, but there you have it.
What question would you ask?
A Brief History of Iran
Since Iran is in the news so much, I thought I'd educate with a brief history of the country.
A BRIEF HISTORY OF IRAN
Long, long ago, an explorer headed out east. He didn't make it to the far east, but he did make it to the middle of the east. He decided to settle the land since that was easier than heading back. His name was Josh Iran, and he named the area after himself. It was a great land, and the people grew many trees, flowers, and caterpillars and spent their free time driving though the desert in dune buggies. Then came the radical Islamists who said, "Mohammed told us to kill whoever doesn't believe what Mohammed says!" Many were opposed to these people, though. And there was much kung fu fighting. Neither side had an advantage, but then Jimmy Carter was elected President of the United States and instantly everything in the world was screwed up. Thus, the radical Islamist took over, and the Ayatollahs, who fashioned themselves after ZZ Top, the most feared band ever, ruled with an iron fist. When not kicking kittens, they help fund terrorist and seek nuclear weapons - like all evil people. This continues to this day and won't stop until we smack them around a bit.
The Royal Shaft
Cynthia McKinney has now admitted that she gave the taxpayers the royal shaft by spending $1,000 of their money to fly Isaac Hayes down to Atlanta to dedicate a new office building.
Or did she?
Using the money to pay for Hayes' airline ticket and hotel expenses is a violation of strict congressional rules. Those rules state that taxpayer money can only be used for "travel by Members, Members' employees and vendors. A vendor is an employee of a private company that provides maintenance and support for equipment and software..."
Now according to Dictionary.com, vendor means:
n : someone who promotes or exchanges goods or services for money [syn: seller, marketer, vender, trafficker]
Hrm... let's take a look at Hayes' official biography:
Instead of a palace, he built an 8,000 square foot educational facility through his Isaac Hayes Foundation (IHF). He is most certainly the only King on earth with an Oscar, Grammy awards, #1 gold records, his voice on an animated tv series, a radio show, two restaurants, a best-selling cookbook, and top secret barbecue sauces.
Aha. This was a trade mission for top secret barbecue sauces. Might even involve the CIA there, or at least Homeland Security to protect that recipe. Tasty enough to slap your momma, or at least a Captiol Police cop.
But wait, it gets better. Scroll up a paragraph to find:
In the spring 2003, one year after his induction into the Rock and Roll Hall Of Fame and a celebrated move back home to Memphis, the public persona of Isaac Hayes is surging forward with a momentum usually associated with teen popstars and visiting royalty. In fact, Hayes is resident royalty for more than a decade, a coronated King of the Ada coastal district of Ghana in western Africa where he is a member of the Royal Family.
That's right. It's not just a trade mission to protect our country's valuable barbecue sauce assets, but it's a diplomatic mission shuttling this Ghanian royalty around.
Thank goodness Cynthia McKinney was there to provide transportation to Isaac Hayes, since apparently Kofi and Kojo Annan were too busy shredding documents to escort his king around.
On behalf of all white people, I apologize to Cynthia McKinney... but damn, girl. Do something about that hair!
Who Will Pick the Beans?
An Editorial by Frank J.
Many people are for deporting all the illegal immigrants, but none of those people seem prepared to answer the fundamental question: Who will pick the beans?
We are a country, a country of many beans in need of picking. But I am not going to pick those beans. You are not going to pick those beans. That leaves only the illegal immigrants left to pick our beans. Those beans will not pick themselves - that is a scientifically established fact. While self-picking beans are being genetically engineered, they have so far killed many goats in tests - not because the beans are poison, but because the bean plants killed and ate the goats. So, while we may strive towards a utopia of self-picking beans, it will turn into a dystopia if we live in constant fear of being killed and eaten by bean plants.
"Those beans will not pick themselves - that is a scientifically established fact."
So, since the beans will not pick themselves without great danger to humanity, who will pick them when the illegal immigrants are gone? Some say prisoners should pick those beans; if you commit a crime, then you are sentenced to a life of bean picking. But do we really want prisoner beans? Prisoners are by their nature thieves and thus will steal our beans (or assault them). This is not a solution at all.
Can monkeys be trained to pick the beans? I don't care if they can, because I will not eat beans picked by filthy monkeys. Monkeys should be locked in cages and kept away from our precious beans.
Other suggest robots be made to pick the beans, but it would take quite advanced robots to be know the intricacies of bean picking. Such robots will inevitably turn on us, and we will not be able to stop them. Robots are made of metal, and shooting them will do no good. Soon, we will be their slaves, and then we will all have to pick the beans for the robots' evil purposes.
So, while some may say we should just deport all the illegal immigrants, they are only giving half the solution to the problem unless those people also have an answer for who will pick the beans. Actually, it's less than half the solution because, as a wise man once said, 90% of life is picking beans, and only 10% is getting into America illegally.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as "Who Will Feed the Dog?" and "Beans: The Vanguard of Civilization".
April 03, 2006
24 Day 5 - 10:00 p.m.
Previously on 24, there was a shootout, and Aaron grabbed Wayne and took him away. Jack interrogated Audrey until she asked about their relationship, and then he just freaking gave up, because he couldn't stand to talk to her. But later they played kissy-face, and I yelled at the TV. Man-Girl told Jack where the nerve gas was going. Jack said it had to be incinerated. Chloe yelled at Jack to get out of there, man. Oh no! Is Jack dead? No, Keifer's still in the opening credits, so I'm going with not dead yet.
BTW, last week, one of my commenters made a good point: If all it takes is incinerate the virus, then who cares if it goes out to people's houses? They're going to use the gas by incinerating it anyway... so big deal.
Audrey's sitting with her hand over her face that Jack is alive. Oh yeah, Jack is alive and trying to revive Bierko, whom he carried out of the explosion.
Ok, now how many times do I have to say, "Is Bierko Robocop?" and how many times does Frank have to explain to me the difference between the two (Robocop's in the car talking on the phone, Bierko is the Scottish-Chechnyan guy) before Joel Surnow realizes it's just all too confusing? And how many times does Frank have to get frustrated and me explain to him that I have a medical condition that gives me a bad memory? And what was I saying? Oh yeah, and that medical condition is related to hormones, so he really shouldn't mess with me, because hormonal women are scary.
Curtis says they need to go to CTU.
Jack calls Bill and Bill is walking away from Mr. F to talk, because she's still trying to shut the place down. Jack tells Bill that he's scared. I'm totally out on Jack. Pansy. Aaron wouldn't be scared, he'd just kick pinkytoe. Tony wouldn't be scared, he'd just kick pinkytoe. Jack's now ascared.
Mr. F calls the Veep and Veep tells her to keep him informed and stop screwing up. Mr. F is talking to Mr. Sexual Harrassment, and SexHarrassman is talking about taking advantage of Audrey's split loyalties.
Audrey and Bill are talking, and she doesn't believe him that DHS is taking over. She says it's impossible, but she doesn't know she's on TV. Anything is possible on TV. Have you ever seen ALIAS? You can fly to Korea from L.A. and back in a half-hour, with a pit-stop at the Trattoria Dinardi in Rome to boot, and don't forget how many times people can die before they're really dead. I think Irina's been dead like 1200 times already, so anything is possible.
Robocop is talking to the men chasing Wayne Palmer. Wayne, in a deleted scene last week, apparently knocked someone out & took their big gun, then they fought back, and Aaron showed up and plucked him up and put him in his van.
Wayne tells Aaron that David had a source inside the White House, Evelyn (Marty's assistant). Evelyn and David were emailing, and info she gave him got him killed. Evelyn is really trying hard to get away from the compound. Wayne and Aaron show up to question Wayne, and Evelyn says she doesn't know nothing and starts crying. He yells, she says that her little girl has been kidnapped. She can get her daughter back if she gives them the evidence on the people orchestrating the day's events. Aaron agrees with Wayne and says the bad guys will kill both her and her daughter because she knows too much. Evelyn agrees to give Wayne and Aaron the evidence if they'll get her daughter back. Apparently this thing is super-big. Ok, now reality check (stay with me, I know this is fiction, but give me a moment). How long have they had her kid, because she only just this hour started acting hinky about it. When Marty was getting felt up by Walt, she didn't seem stressed about anything other than Mrs. Logan.
Single White Harrassed Female and Chloe are working. DHS walks in in a big posse. Some blonde is taking over Chloe's station, and Chloe's like, who are you? You can't have my keycard either! Mr. F makes the announcement that DHS is taking over. SexHarrassman asks to see Audrey in the situation room. She should accuse him of stuff and stuff.
Wayne is talking to Jack on the phone and tells Jack that Evelyn's daughter is the new Kim. Oh yay, I was worried we'd only have one kid in the way this season! Now that Derek finally has a tissue, we get a new kid to focus on. Except she's probably not as stupid as Kim.
SexHarrassman picked the wrong girl to try to convince to make a statement that CTU was totally at fault for everything that happened today. And Audrey isn't playing, so SexHarrassman threatens to show her at fault too. She tells him to shove the statement up his pinkytoe, because she won't help him justify his lies.
Audrey talks to Jack, and he says they really really need satellites and Chloe. Audrey says Veep Gardner told DHS to shut down CTU. Jack suspects the Veep. Jack says find a way to keep Chloe on. So Audrey goes upstairs and tells Mr. F and SexHarrassman that she changed her mind. She says the only way she'll stick around is if Chloe stays and they assign Chloe to Audrey. Chloe's gonna love that, having to hear every conversation where Jack and Audrey discuss their relationship while Chloe retasks a satellite every 5 minutes. Audrey signs the statement, with the name Audrey Heller Raines Bauer, and dots the i with a little heart.
Robocop tells his men to get moving on something or other, and there's the little girl, and goodness, there always has to be a female to rescue. Kim, Audrey, Teri, Michelle, not Chloe (because she can totally take care of herself), Derek, and now this girl. Robocop says he'll take care of the girl. I don't think he means he's making her oatmeal and tucking her in.
Evelyn talks to someone who says he's on the way to meet her at her car.
Wayne and Aaron walk down the hall and run into the Veep, who's super sorry that David's dead and stuff. Aaron says Wayne came to bring him a trinket from David. Now the Veep is looking way too obvious, so I'm going with Estro.
Chloe looks annoyed at the DHS girl taking over her station. She goes to talk to Bill, who says it's not over. She says, "It sure seems over, everyone is getting fired, end of season." SexHarrassman tells Chloe she can stay, and she's like, what if I don't want to, and he's like, Audrey signed something saying Bill screwed up everything. Bill says, but that's not true, why would you do that? I've known you for years (18 months)! She says, but it's true. You suck. She's trying to say that she's in a Flank Two position with her eyes, but Bill doesn't get it.
The Veep goes into President Estro's office and I'm realizing we haven't seen Mike Novick in this episode. Veep asks Estro about Wayne Palmer being there, and Estro's like, "What? He made it through all ... uh... I mean, he uh... was here? What for?" and the Veep is like, "You're sure he wasn't here to see you??" and I'm thinking Estro's doing super secret stuff, and the Veep is on to him.
Wayne & Evelyn are in the car on their way to meet Robocop. Robo calls Evelyn and asks why Wayne Palmer was at the compound. "Uh, I didn't see him. Honest, I've never seen a black man in person!" Robocop says if she's lying, Kimmie Jr. is gonna suffer. She raises her voice, so he believes her. He gives her an address, and Jack calls Audrey to tell her what he needs the satellite for. Chloe tells Audrey, I hate you, you're a jerkface! You go away! "But Chloe, Jack needs you." "Oh, Jack needs me? How may I be of service? Can I get you some chamomile tea?" And Audrey tells her she had no choice but to say that stuff so she could keep Chloe. Meanwhile, Bill gives Audrey the "Flank Off" look as he's walking out the door.
Evelyn and Wayne go to an old abandoned farmhouse (is that the same farmhouse from Hannibal?) (you know, abandoned farmhouses are great meeting places. If anyone ever wants to meet me at one, I'll bring my own pinata, and we'll have a grand old time in the dark in the middle of nowhere. I'm all for having parties at abandoned farmhouses.).
Jack meets them there and has Chloe check out the satellite. She says there are 10 bad people. Wayne, Evelyn, and Jack go to get the girl. Wayne really wants to go, Jack says no at first, and then Wayne says, "Jack, I'm a Marine." Jack says, "You never saw combat. There's a difference between training to kill and actually killing." SarahK says, "But he trained to kill Marine-style, I think he can handle himself." I'm thinking Kimmie Jr. lives and Evelyn dies.
Chloe is helping Jack and Wayne, Evelyn has left and is going to get her daughter and give up the info. Wayne and Jack start in toward where Robo's men are.
Robo's checking in, the men don't see Evelyn. Jack checks out his real-time satellite images on his Treo and kills 1 of the 10 with a suppressed pistol. Help! Help! I'm being suppressed! 10% down! Jack says they're running out of time so they have to split up. He changes his mind, kills another, then tells Wayne to go. Wayne makes his first kill, and he's all cool with that, because Marines were made for killin' and protecting the innocent. Jack slits one's throat. 4 down. Jack makes his latest kill's radio all distorted and talks through it, tells Robo that everything's ok.
Evelyn gets her daughter back, there's a big shootout, Evelyn is hit in the leg (shocker!), Kimmie Jr. is ok, Estro is shown on the phone with Robocop asking why there was a problem with Evelyn. Well, I didn't expect Jack Bauer to show up.
And where's Curtis? Did he get fired? Is he coming back? Are they getting rid of the field agents too? Is Wayne the new Rico Suave? If so, I'll be sorely disappointed.
Next week, Estro tells Robocop that Jack is Robo's responsibility. Jack tells Audrey that they can't trust anyone, and I'm going, well, I don't so much trust Audrey. How do we know she's not in on it? And why isn't Tony alive yet? Audrey tells Chloe, "It's starting. My period. It's starting. This is a bad time for that. Can I borrow a tampon?" And Chloe grimaces and says, "Borrow? No." Mr. F says no one can stop Audrey from meeting with Jack because they need that meeting to take place (yay! maybe Audrey dies!). Jack sports a loverly Walther P99 (my, that's a pretty gun, I'm so glad I have one). Jack tells Evelyn he's gonna get her to a hospital. Aaron tells Jack that every military agency is going to be after him. Jack decides to rob a bank and gets trapped inside by a tank and Robocop's guys.
questions: so the whole thing with Walt... Estro did know about it? didn't? is a good actor? is Mike in on this? Is Estro ever going to get punched? Is Aaron going to do the punching?
Who Do Voodoo? Penn Do, You Too!
So, Sean Penn 'violates' an Ann Coulter 'voodoo' doll on a regular basis?
Well, isn't that nice? I guess we all grieve in our own way. But since he seems to have put the loss of his brother behind him, why can't the rest of us torture a doll of HIM in Miss Coulter's defense? (I own one of her books..)
Why, we CAN! Don't you miss out on the all the voodoo fun! Order your Sean Penn voodoo doll today.
Pins, personal photographer and cigarette lighter sold separately.
The police officer who was struck by Rep. Cynthia McKinney after he stopped her from walking past security unchecked claims he didn't recognize her. How likely is that story?
Very likely. Anyone who would recognize Cynthia McKinney would also know she is so crazy that she should be shot on sight.
Bush Was... Something
This video seems to have a positive message about Bush. But I can't seem to make it out.
Bush: was a'ight? in a fight? cured of over bite? I dunno.
(Embedded player not working for ya? Watch it at Youtube.)
Catchy tune, huh?
In a surprise statement today, Congresswoman Cynthia McKinney, a Democrat, announced her innocence regarding charges that she punched a cop. Stated the Congresswoman, ďAlthough I have no moral judgment regarding the punching of law enforcement personnel, I want to state that this is a case of mistaken identity. I would never punch somebody just because theyíre trying to enforce the rules and regulations that are designed to keep me safe.Ē
The congresswoman went on to state her support for those who enforce the law.
As a result of this press conference, law enforcement officials have looked at the videotape of the event and have now identified a new suspect.
Be on the lookout for this person...
This new suspect is very hot-blooded and is related to somebody associated with freezing cold Ė possibly Hillary Clinton.
Local authorities are hot on the case, provided they can get the congresspeople to stop punching them.
Anyone Touching or Standing Near a Foreign Flag Must Be Shot
An Editorial by Frank J.
When I saw on the news that people were marching in Los Angeles and waving Mexican flags, my first reaction was, "Oh no! The Mexicans are invading! Where is the national guard to shoot all these people?"
It ends up, though, that this was allowed since it was considered "free speech." That's crazy. Free speech is for Americans, and these people were holding Mexican flags and thus declaring their allegiance with Mexico. Anyone who waves a foreign flag in America is obviously declaring war on us and must be shot.
"What about St. Patrick's Day?" you might ask.
Well, obviously not on that day, but any other day a foreign flag means war against America, and the people possessing the flags or near them must be shot before we get all invaded. As we learned from Iraq, it's hard to root out people once they're hidden in a society.
"But isn't waving a foreign flag just showing a little cultural pride?" you might say.
"If someone is so proud of a country, then go there and wave its flag."
That's extra crazy! If someone is so proud of a country, then go there and wave its flag. If those people were so proud of Mexico, why don't they just go back to Mexico and improve it so it's someplace everyone doesn't want to flee from. The people marching here waving Mexican flags obviously have no pride in Mexico since they fled that country and want to declare war on us out of frustration.
"What about Jews with Israeli flags to show support of that country? Should we shoot them?"
Of course not. Jews have a Zionist conspiracy and will shoot you right back. Use some common sense. I doubt the Mexicans have any such conspiracy or they wouldn't need to flee their country for below minimum wage jobs.
Then again, it could be the biggest conspiracy ever!
"How about Cubans in Florida and all their flags?"
That's a completely different situation. Those people are refugees since their country went all Commie. Don't you have any sympathy for the plight of others?
"Well, what about Puerto Ricans?"
Puerto Rico is part of America, dumbass... or, at least I think it is. Anyway, do some research before shooting anyone.
"This sounds like white supremacy propaganda."
That's ignorant. If my stance was "shoot Latinos," that's what I'd title this piece. I'm for shooting anyone of any race waving foreign flags in America. If there are any white people waving Mexican flags, I'd shoot them too. Actually, I'd shoot them first because that is kinda suspicious.
"What about shooting people at Italian restaurants? Those usually have Italian flags."
The mob usually handles shooting those places up, so I wouldn't worry about it.
"Then how about Mexican restaurants?"
Not if they're any good. Do you know how hard it is to find good Mexican food where I live in Florida?
"Should Americans waving American flags in foreign countries be shot?"
Don't be stupid. Everyone in the world should have pride in America; the only reason the world is not all exploded is because of us. Anyone who shoots someone with an American flag should be shot and also all those around the person should be shot.
"What if someone is in America and holding a foreign flag to burn it?"
Again, use common sense. Burning a foreign flag in America is completely acceptable. But, if you see someone waving a foreign flag and you call him on it and he pulls out a lighter and says, "I was just about to burn it," that person is both foreign and a liar and should be shot twice.
"What caliber should we be shooting people with?"
Now you're just asking dumb questions; use whatever is available.
"Hey, don't yell at me. I'm just your own Socratic method of having a conversation with yourself."
You're stupid. On second thought, don't shoot anyone because I don't think you're responsible enough to handle a gun. Instead, just break the kneecaps of anyone with a foreign flag using a baseball bat. The point is, America is a great country with a nice flag, and we don't want people marching around here with their foreign flags declaring war on us. That's just common sense, and this country could use more common sense and more shooting people with foreign flags.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as "If Immigrants Are Good for America, Then Why Are They So Illegal?" and "The Big Book of Legal Defenses for Shooting Someone (Bonus: Defense Ideas for Having Used this Book as a Murder Weapon)".
How Inadequate is Sean Penn's Manhood?
Judging by the word "we" in the quote from this news story regarding what he does with his Ann Coulter doll:
"We violate her. There are cigarette burns in some funny places. She's a pure snake-oil salesman. She doesn't believe a word she says." [emphasis added]
The answer appears to be "too small to noticably penetrate a small plastic doll without assistance".
[Hat tip to apparently blogless IMAO reader TJ for the suggestion]
That's okay. My rat will just get a prostate transplant.
Apparently, rats ingesting meat cooked at high temperatures have an increased the risk of prostate cancer:
A compound formed when meat is charred at high temperatures ó as in barbecue ó encourages the growth of prostate cancer in rats, researchers reported on Sunday.
Hrm... well, that can't be good. I guess that means more veggies on the grill:
Mmmm... stuffed jalapenos on the grill.
Say what you will about me, but I'm not about to cause rats to die from prostate cancer. No sirree, Bob!
I heard about Iran testing new missiles, and my initial reaction was, "Ha! Foolish land-dwelling humans; you sow your own doom."
But then some of my fish friends came up to me and said, "Hey! We saw the missile and it was traveling through the water!"
"Then isn't that a torpedo?" I asked.
"No, it's still like a missile."
"You're just tuna! What the hell do you know other than how to make a good sandwich when mixed with mayo and chopped celery?"
After the tuna were done pummeling me, I indeed confirmed that Iran is working on an underwater missile. So, now everybody is probably expecting me to stop them (you know Superman won't do it since his suit is dry-clean only). Well, I'll try my best, but, if a few missiles get past me, just remember that the ocean is big and I'm only one man in an orange shirt.
This is Aquaman, signing off.
Space Lasers and the "Undocumented"
There are now a couple new designs at the IMAO Store. First, the S.M.I.T.E. Space Laser plans are available as a poster or a t-shirt (be careful who see either). They consist of high resolution versions of the complex design plans from this post and the initial demonstation in this post.
More art should be available in the future including the Hate-Filled Lefty.
Also, from Ducky, we now have undocumented shirts available:
Feedback is always appreciated, especially if you've now gotten an IMAO Store item.
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Frank on Guns
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Fred Thompson Facts
Hellbender Take Two
Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
I Hate Frank
If I Were President
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By MonthDecember 2008