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March 31, 2006
Instapundit's Exciting Weekend
Saw this at Reynolds' site:
my younger brother worked as an assistant there, boiling down corpses in turpentine with his grad-student girlfriend. Now that's an exciting weekend...
Giving his hobo-murdering habits, this one isn't TOO surprising, but it does make me wonder what ELSE this guy does for fun.
Unfortunately I found out. Turn's out he's going to be spending THIS weekend at a ski resort in Vail, Colorado, indulging in one of his favorite recreational sports:
EXTREME PUPPY BLENDING!
Now that's an exciting weekend...
* The IMAO Newsletter is out, so you should have received it by now. Being this is a day off for me, that's probably all you're getting from me (thank you co-bloggers). If you haven't gotten the newsletter, check your spam filter. If it's not there, maybe the FBI is intercepting your e-mails and reading them first. Or, maybe you're dead and don't know it, and that's why you never receive any e-mails. Or, you didn't sign up.
This was a test newsletter so I didn't bother proofreading. I may do so in the future.
* Today is International Kick a Cat Day. So, kick a cat to support internationalism. Also, remember that Monday is Bring Your Gun to Work Day.
* I have two articles at Gather.com to try and get a more diverse discussion. I also started a political humor group which everyone can join. I'll cross post articles there to see if that can help diversify the audience.
* Immigration seems to be a big issue, and, while we've handled that issue here (especially Ducky), here's a great illegal immigration FAQ from John Hawkins. Also, here's an alarming article: "Illegal Mexican Wrestlers Taking Smackdowns American Wrestlers Don't Want".
* Glenn Reynolds is obsessed with me. I may need a restraing order, or I'll just whap him with my copy of his book.
* I got the dog a stuffed monkey with a sound chip in it that makes it screech like a real monkey. I think I'm realizing what a bad idea that is.
Oh, she just ripped the sound box out. Problem solved.
* Be honorable, ronin.
McKinney meets Dylan
After being told about Cynthia McKinney's demonstration of her support for the Capitol Hill Police, House Speaker Dennis Hastert asks:
"How many officers would have to be punched before it becomes a big deal?"
Wait a second.
How many officers would have to be punched
Holy crap. It works.
(Next week, we try to rewrite the Beatles classic "The Fool On The Hill" to honor Representative McKinney)
The Power Of Frank
What does infamous puppy-blender Glenn Reynolds first tthink of when he thinks of the Blogopshere?
You'll have to listen to the latest Israellycool podcast to find out, but here's a hint: it's starts with the letter F.
Ask Dr. Duck: The Answers
Hello, this is Dr. Duck.
I am so glad I have this segment to help you, our dear readers, come through the tough times and confusion you are facing. Here are the answers to the questions that haunted your ever so crazy minds,
Dear Dr. R.W. Duck,
On a more personal note, if a girl is dating you, doesnt break up with you, moves in with a guy who she claimed was "just a friend", was dating him while with you, never told you she moved in with him, continues lying, and dating him, but still never breaks up with you. Is that considered cheating even if she didnt "sleep with him"? Doesnt the act of dating him will still being with someone else pretty much make that a moot point? I mean comeone, really?
Posted by Mike
So your girlfriend might be dating someone else? Or not dating you Or both. That's okay, I had the same thing happen to me. When I was younger,there was this girl I was crazy about. She'd never talk to me. She'd never look at me. Eventually, she met someone, married and they had three kids.
I think she's playing hard to get.
Hang in there, you just never know what's going to happen.
Why do I have to drink responsibly? I mean, isn't it alcohol's main purpose to make me behave irresponsibly?
I said DRINK responsibly – not ACT responsibly.
Drinking responsibly means not spilling, not letting the foam get out of control. And if you’re married it means using a coaster.
Dear Doctor Duck,
I was thinking about that the other day. I was watching the French riots. If you’re like me, you’re losing track of who the French are surrendering to these days. Is it the Germans? The Muslims? The Girl Scouts?
Then in one riot picture, I saw a French Policeman (Known as a Gende-Germ) whacking the crap out of a protestor with a baton. Frenchy, that could be YOU one day wielding that baton. So, yes there is hope for you. Remember to put your shoulder into it.
You must be considerate: many times the bumper stickers are the only thing holding the car together. Also, the possibility exists that you could run them off a road and right into a hitchhiker on the side of the highway. That’s what we call a Two-fer!!
Al Gore claims that Love Story was based on his real life experience. Do you think that Brokeback Mountain is based on the true lives of Al Franken and Chris Matthews?
No, only if Brokeback focused the story more on the sheep.
By definition you can't get caught in a riot of lazy students. You always have advance warning.
French Kid #1: I feel like rioting.
Eventually, they get up, grab a snack, scratch themselves, then go out. By that time, you made your way out of there and into the safety of -- well, they're French, so technically you were never in any danger.
Dear Dr. Duck,
Are you implying that the Puppy Blender somehow takes puppies and blends them? That could be possible. Glenn likes his puppies like Clinton liked his interns: young and plump. However, Rowdi is safe, I assure you. If something HAD happened we would have immediately notifed David Gregory.
Dear Dr. Duck,
You can get them at Ann Coulter.com. She sells life size version dolls. She is sooooo Republican.
Dear Dr. Duck,
Yes, they fly to South Venezuela.
Pro War people do have marches. They're called Invasions.
As far as wars go: the taxpayers like to only have one at a time. Otherwise they start to nag.
President Bush: I'd like to invade another country.
Tek, as a recent convert to the Jewish faith what you are experiencing is a perfectly normal reaction. You'll have the urge to vote Democrat for at least a few days after “getting snipped.” Try not to bump into things and if you lose control – try thinking about baseball or Helen Thomas.
It’s okay to wear one or two pieces of hippie accessories such as sandals or one day of not showering. However, you need to be careful that he doesn’t go over the edge. Feel him out by asking him about this true feelings.
Try these questions: Honey, I’m going to bring you your sandals. Do you want the firm red ones or the floppy Bush lied people died blue ones? Wait for a reaction. If he chooses red, then he’s probably okay. If blue, then you could probably stay with him but you’d have to deal with his boyfriend.
You’re right. Did you keep the receipts?
What kind of accident was this that left your friend a him/her? Did her convert to the Jewish faith? Is he thinking about voting Democrat?
Just kidding. This reminds me of my best friend: Jimmy Horribly Mauled By A Pack of Wolves Garcia. He got that name because he fell down the stairs and into a pile of rose bushes.. hahahahahahaha. I laugh just thinking about it. Anyway,, ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Ah. Good memories.
Besides, the skin grafts might not take. You should make fun of him/her right now. Remember to stop and smell the rose bushes.
Rose bushes! hahahahahahahahaha. Yup. Good times.
If/when bird flu gets to the U.S.,can we put you in a plastic bubble so as not to lose any of IMAO's funny? What would we put in it with you to make it worth your while? (Besides any of my money).
Money. Money. Money.
Why won’t people give us any money?
Anyway, one day the Bird Flu much like Mad Cow disease, SARS, and Clay Aiken Music will cause all of humanity to die horrible painful deaths. In the meantime you should focus your time on the things that matter, like being with your family, giving them flowers and gifts – like things from our IMAO store. Did you know that I have my own t-shirt?
I don't always follow basketball, but that DOES explain the confused announcers over these unknows.
First Announcer: Welcome to NCAA basketball. The teams are taking the court.
Dear Dr. Duck,
Chicken please. With a side order of mashed potatoes. And make it snappy or I'll replace you with a Mexican who'll do the work you won't do!!
This is a tough choice? Do I choose one of the ladies: or one of the guys? I'll have to think about that.
Dear Dr. Duck
I’m sorry. I don’t do Self Help.
Dear Doc Duck Dude,
That’s a great joke for those who listen to our podcast. Anway, you can’t miss it. It has monkey vines all around it, and a time machine parked in the driveway.
You COULD convince your friend that they’re wrong. You’d have to line up your facts, make a movie, and show it to them in a private but safe screening environment. Of course, the movie would only have credibility if the plot involved gay people. If you want to touch Democrats, you need lots of gay porn.
How many licks does it take a Democrat to get to the middle of a tootsie roll pop? Seven.
A Republican? I don’t know how many licks it takes a Democrat to get to the center of a Republican. We haven’t had the scandal yet.
That's all the help I can give folks. I'm only one person with multiple personalities.
Until next time, this is Dr. Duck saying: I want to know what you feel, I care about you, and the IMAO Store is Open .
Since it's Friday, I thought I'd spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka "I-MEOW").
Sure, some of the IMAO bloggers have cats, but apparently I'm the only one of them powerful enough to Friday Catblog. Because it takes a lot of power to catblog.
Anyway, it's time for Nardo:
If you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Nardo is... um...
Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.
March 30, 2006
i can't believe it's not crap
i got my "it's a neocon thing" mug today, and was pleasantly surprised by the quality -- i've never ordered anything from cafepress, and was a little nervous about it since the way they display products on the website leaves something to be desired -- it's a first class product, go buy something -- anyone gotten a t-shirt or bumper sticker yet?
The Daily Daily Kos Report
At the Daily Kos, everyone is still really angry about a lot of the same things. Some seem close to crying.
UPDATE: Kos come up with some commentary on Iraq using the same tropes he's been repeating for years.
Everyone is still angry. Some are now crying.
How long before this becomes the next reality series to stink up the airwaves?
Oh, lighten up, kid.
At least you don't have to be one every day.
JEW FOR A DAY Reality Show Pitch
Every round, a female and male contestant are told to "Hit the showers!" and leave the game.
When down to the final couple, they are joined in an arranged marriage and then forced to argue for forty years until they realize that there are no winners.
Bite-Sized Wisdom: The Return!
* I used to do this feature Bite-Sized Wisdom because then I could just do a bunch of little jokes with a bullet points instead of putting them together in some semi-coherent form like my editorials and In My Worlds™. It seemed like that would work really well with my short attention span, but then I forgot all about it because... you know... my short attention span.
* I feel like I should say more about illegal immigrants, but it's just one of those issues that doesn't move me. From my point of view, any sane person should want to be in America and do anything he or she can to get here. Still, the illegals really lose my sympathy when they prance around with Mexican flags. Hey, the whole reason you guys are here is because your country sucks. Sure, it may have culture you're proud of, but obviously economy trumps all. What is culture worth in the end? A few tourist dollars for clay pots? Tell me, what would you rather have? The Day of the Dead, or a job? Soccer or a salary? There are correct answers to those.
* So, can you camp near the border to Mexico, or is that just impossible because there is always these Mexicans running by and knocking over your stuff? I never camp anyway because of one bad experience. I had accidentally left a campfire unattended, and then Smokey the Bear tried to maul me. It took three shotgun blasts to bring him down.
* If you want to see him, his head is mounted above the T.V. in the living room. I usually leave the hat on it, but sometimes I wear it for fun even though it's a bit big for me.
* Speaking of Mexican immigrants and wild animals, SarahK and I are really into that Dog Whisperer show. Cesar Millan is great, but who we really love is the giant pit pull he has named Daddy. When he's helping little yapping dogs learn not to attack other dogs, he'll always bring Daddy along. That dog could eat those yappers in one bite, but he just ignores them. Actually, he's so obedient, a nuclear bomb could go off and he wouldn't flinch. I want to start the Daddy fan club and make sure my Shepherd/Pit Rowdi joins. "I want you to be like that dog, and, when you are, I'll stop beating you."
* So, they released that journalist in Iraq. Whoever took her didn't seem like they had a plan at all. If you're going to go through the trouble of kidnapping someone, at least have a backup plan for when your demands aren't met. Still, they weren't like my first political kidnapping. After a while, I got bored of thing and totally forgot about the guy tied up in the basement.
* How many times can your house "mysteriously" burn down before insurers just won't take you anymore?
* I really want to be a professional writer (I could blog all day!), but the problem is that I'm not a starving artist. If you are starving, you'll try anything to succeed. I've had this nice cushy job I like, though, and you just don't write as well between bites of prime rib. Luckily, I got married so now it seem like I have no money. Expect much more writing from me in the future.
* You may have noticed how the top of the IMAO main page now has ads for our CafePress store. You may ask, "What happened to the podcast?" Well, we're still figuring out how to use that to trick people into giving us money. See, we have all this traffic to this site, and the obvious thought is "How can we turn that into money?" So, now, I'm trying merchandise from CafePress. It's working so far, as we've made in the tens of dollars in profit. Even though it's split among all the IMAO bloggers, I get to keep most of it since SarahK is good at cooking the books (she just a good cook in general).
* Yeah, as Christians, we really shouldn't do faulty accounting, but I did some research into the Bible, including doing some of my own translations from the original Hebrew, and I now have an argument that it's okay to lie when money is involved.
* I once lived in Alaska; isn't that weird?
* I was asked to join this Gather.com since they want more political writers. I thought it might be neat because then I might be more likely to get some liberals to read my stuff. You guys are great and all, but I can only take so much, "Frank, you're a genius!", "It's like you have magical humor powers!", and "Please be our god!" So, I've started out by crossing posting my editorial from Monday, and, already, three people have said bad things about it. Maybe we can get discussions going over there, but, if not, at least a shouting match. I started a political humor group if people want to join in.
* Anyway, the Gather.com “About Me” page you set for yourself is pretty cool. It has all these different fields to fill in about what music you like and what not (guess who I put under my "Heroes") and even has five different choices for your sexual preference. Who can choose?
* If I get more attention at Gather.com, you know as soon as I start debating liberals, they'll be like, "How can you have an opinion on fiscal responsibility? You're just a chicken hawk!" I did think of joining the military once, though. Then, I found out they like shout at you and stuff. I just assumed the military got reformed the same as public school and they'd just give me a rifle and say, "Go ahead and shoot for'ners at your own pace. You'll get a medal just for trying!"
* Speaking of war, I just realized I don't know how to make like any explosives. Is that weird? I know you're supposed to be able to make all sorts of explosives out of household objects, but I don't know one formula. If I needed to make a bomb (it happens) I'd be reduced to taking apart my bullets for the gunpowder. It says right there on the box you shouldn't do that, though, and if I ignored that warning, it would be like I'm saying, "I'm smarter than Winchester." And I'm totally not.
* Off-topic (even for a post with no topic), but do they Braille ballots? It seems wrong to let the blind vote, because how are they supposed to pick a politician to elect when they can't even see them? I know Senator John Edwards has to be against the blind voting; he works too hard on his hair for it to not even be the factor in some people's votes.
* Is IMAO available in Braille somewhere? If so, I'm sorry for that previous comment. If not, screw you, blind people!
* Next podcast, I should make fun of the deaf.
* I remember meeting a deaf kid when I was younger and trying to communicate with him. I shouted at the boy until I was hoarse, and then I couldn't talk to people. That stuff spreads if you're not careful.
* I've thought about doing stand up comedy, but, as you may have heard from the podcasts, I have no skills at delivery. Most of my stuff is made less funny if I say it out loud. Well, there goes that dream, but, if you have to stand during a job, I consider that blue-collar work anyway.
* I think I had some more thoughts, but I can't remember them now. I really should write them down.
Then again, I guess I'm doing that now. Anyhoo, if someone has seen my car keys, e-mail me with the subject "Frank's Car Keys." And, make sure to buy stuff and tell everyone else about IMAO. If we don't make more money, then either the cats or the dog is going to have to stop eating, and you know SarahK and I aren't going to agree on which it is.
The Carnival of Comedy Has Snuck Over The Border To Dr. Phat Tony's!!
Dr Phat Tony has gone and done the job American's wouldn't do.
He has volunteered to patrol the border of humor and host Carnival of Comedy #48 for less than legal wages.
Muchas gracias, Doctor Antonio Gordo.
The Test Newsletter is out, and CafePress starts sending them at 3:00am tomorrow morning. So, make sure to check your spam filter for the newsletter tomorrow morning (it should come from email@example.com). In it, I discuss what topic I plan to discuss in future newsletters.
The Official First IMAO Newsletter should be out in a week or so, pending when I feel like doing it.
Ted Kennedy Is Right - Almost.
There's been a lot of talk about illegal immigration lately and after hearing the arguments, I have to say that the Democrats make sense on this one. This great country should be grateful to illegal aliens because after all, didn't they build this country?
You might be wondering, “Well then who built Mexico - That place is a crap hole." Yes, but Mexico was built by illegal aliens from Guatemala. Then Mexico got better about enforcing its borders and drove them out.
I'm grateful to illegal aliens because they help keep the cost of American products low. Because of them, we can pay Pedro $10.00 a day to work in a restaurant. If he wasn't there, they'd have to raise the wages to find somebody willing to take on the job. So when I'm sitting in a restaurant that's reflective of my great blogging stature, and they warn me that they may have to raise prices, I have to ask myself: "Am I willing to pay FOUR dollars for this Happy Meal?"
Maybe it's one of the signs of the End Times, but I have to say I agree with Ted Kennedy.
Recently, Teddy claimed that it was unfair to have these illegal aliens treated as second class citizens. You might be wondering, "How can they be any kind of American citizen. They're from another country!!!
That's where you'd be wrong: citizenship doesn't come from birthright or by arriving here legally, going through the process and reciting an oath - it comes from gainful employment.
Think of it as an employment perk. Every worker is entitled to free paperclips, rubber bands, and Second Class United States Citizenship. At some places you even get free pens.
We also have to examine our sense of compassion. These people come from a land where people are starving and no work is available in their land. That makes sense to me. So YES, I agree with Senator Ted Kennedy when he says that these people, by virtue of their work, should not be deported. They should be given a path to citizenship.
However, if employment is the source of citizenship, then we have to face the ugly truth: it's time America did something about all of the poor people in this country. And the only fair and logical thing to do is: Deport them.
This may not be a popular idea, since they provide the most needed resource America needs in these trying times, Democratic votes, but the reality is we don't need them. It cost thousands of dollars to feed and clothe a poor family on welfare - not to mention the high cost of government housing.
When you really look at it, being poor is a job skill you can pretty much do anywhere. So why NOT send them to Mexico?
Please don't think I'm cruel. I wouldn't want them to go against their will so we'd have to fool them into moving to Mexico. This would be easy since most of these people don't have the sense to run away from a hurricane.
Popular marketing strategies would include:
"Look, no white people! Move to Mexico."
And the most popular...
"If you don't do something now, George Bush is going to draft your kids. Move to Mexico."For a hundred bucks a month, we could support a family of four in luxury. They could enjoy small Mexican towns where the air is clean and the money goes a long, long way. In fact, in many cases, they would be the richest people in the neighborhood, thereby enhancing their self esteem.
You might be wondering, "Wouldn't the Mexican government object to having these people on their land?" Of course not - because Mexico would know that these poor people came from a land where they were starving and there was no work available for them.
Eventually, they would have to make some changes. Government forms would have to be in English and in some cases - Ebonics. But otherwise, they would be delighted to begin bilingual classes, provide Mexican benefits, and free government healthcare. If we can take care of their poor, then certainly they could take care a few of ours, right?
Another part of this plan is that we'd have to seal the border once and for all. We couldn't have our new Second Class Citizens trying to sneak back to Mexico and clean houses for the American poor. And we also couldn't have the American poor coming back because then I'd have to pay big bucks for a Happy Meal.
If you like my idea, then please nominate me for President of the United States. I'm over 35 and a natural born citizen.
If you don't like my idea then it's only fitting you should track me down and give me a piece of your mind. I live in Mexico. You should come down here. it's really nice. You could bring your family.
And your furniture.
March 29, 2006
American Idol 5 top 10 results
Ryan is totally wearing a preacher tie tonight.
"It's one big happy family," says Lisa Tucker. Yeeeeeeeah. We believe you. And we believe that Paula doesn't have a substance abuse problem (allegedly).
The Ford commercial was stupid with a capital Kellie.
Aw man. Kellie's sitting with all the safe people. Darnit.
Ha! I'm so funny. Frank just read one of the posters from the audience. "Ace makes me flush." My response: "...the toilet."
The sound is horrible for Shakira and Wyclef Jean. Well, at least you know they're performing live and not lip synching. I feel bad for Shakira, though. Looks like Sydney attacked her hair in the middle of the night, and she couldn't find a comb. She has a nice belly. And once you get past the hair, she's really beautiful.
Ugh. Taylor, Paris, Kellie, Mandisa, Chris are all safe. I'm happy with all but Kellie. Well, not so crazy about Paris hanging around, but we all know she's not leaving this week anyway.
Elliott is safe. Lisa is in the bottom 3. Ace is in the bottom 3. Between Katharine and Bucky, I'm betting Katharine is in the bottom 3 just for shocker's sake (and based on the outfit she wore last night. I really do hope she gets a new stylist.). Wow, how does poor Bucky feel with the whole crowd erupting in a chorus of boos when Katharine was called over.
So. Ace is safe. Lisa and Katharine are both gritting their teeth. Katharine is mortified. Kellie looks really happy. Did you catch Ryan saying, "Paula, what do you think about these two being the bottom two, especially Katharine?" That was incredibly rude to Lisa. I mean, I'd say stuff like that on a blog or behind her back, but to her face? That's just tacky. Shame on Ryan.
And so it goes that Lisa is gone. No big surprise there, she knew she was leaving. She even wore her performin' clothes. Oh, and look while Lisa sings, they're zooming in on Kellie, who is paying more attention to herself singing along than to Lisa's swan song. And when they all go over for the big happy group hug and fake cry, Kellie's still focusing on herself singing.
Ha, next week is country. I predict that Simon will say something retarded (because, yes, I'm losing my faith in him this season, and he has a bad memory). He'll say, "Bucky, I'm getting a bit ti-yad of you nevah bronching out and singing anythin othah than country. You're stahting to bore me, if I'm being ohnest." And to Chris, he'll say, "Chris, what I've liked about you throughout this competition is that you ahh a rockah, you always sing rock, and you nevah compromise. And now you've come out here with this very... put on country song, and I hahv to say, I'm a bit disappointed with the ahct. It was olmost appohling, really."
Protest Rallies - Opportunity for Inclusiveness
A recent DC anti-war protest turned out some disappointing numbers for the screeching loony left, and I can't help thinking that they could REALLY improve their attendance figures if they made the events just a LITTLE more red-stater friendly. After all, liberals ARE about being open-minded & non-judgmental, right?
Since I consider myself a fairly typical warmongering, right-wing, gun nut, here's what they could do to get ME to show up to one of their little kook-keggers:
* More SUV parking
* More crazy naked PETA chicks [PG13]!
* I'd really enjoy a Dick Cheney hunter safety course, because every time I try to shoot a lawyer, I end up hitting a quail in the face.
* Sell "Ann Coulter Gone Wild!" DVD's
* Schedule the protest on a weekend so that the gainfully employed can attend.
* Ergonomic comfort-gel Sof-Grip protest sign-handles ("Just say 'NO' to splinters!")
* Free John Kerry silhouette shooting targets ("10 points for the important-looking hair!")
* Free Korans - I've got a wobbly table with a short leg at home.
* Free shampoo - which I'll gladly provide myself if they promise to use it. Seriously - who's the lunatic who told white people they could wear dreadlocks?
* Free Palestine - I always see booths offering it, but when I get there, they never have any. I wonder if it's like funnel cake?
Actually, I'd gladly attend one of those things - and even wave around a "No Blood For Oil!" sign - if they'd just do one simple thing:
* Ban braless grandmothers.
Anyway, what would get YOU to go to a anti-war protest rally?
Denise Majette would never punch a cop
Cynthia McKinney's website has her position on various issues, including Human Rights and International Relations. One of the headings under that page is "The War on Terrorism Traps Us in a Cycle of Violence"
I guess Cynthia fell into that trap of violence, because she got caught on tape punching a DC cop.
WHEN WILL THE MADNESS END????????
They Made Me Work Again!
I had to think really hard and talk and everything.
The things you'll do for a free sandwich and a salary.
Anyhoo, I'll see about getting you some Frank J. humor soon. Also, I should be able to send out the official IMAO Test Newsletter tomorrow. Yeah, by now I probably should send out an actual newsletter, but I promised a test newsletter so a test newsletter you'll get.
So, until I post again, read about Bird Flu since that's still in the news.
Ask Dr. Duck: The Questions
Hello boys and girls,
It's time for Ask Dr. Duck. This is the day of the week when you get to ask me, Dr. R.W. Duck, all the questions that you need answered.
What's on your mind? Relationships? Love? Pets?
In love with pets?
Not only can Dr. Duck provide answers - but the answers are completely free*!
Please post your questions in comments. Answers will go up on Friday.
*Initial cost $150.00 minus $10.00 instant rebate, minus $15.00 mail in rebate, minus $3.75 feel like it rebate, minus $14.92 Columbus day rebate, minus $67.12 Wednesday rebate (only allowed on Thursdays), minus $20.00 "pass me another beer" rebate, minus $19.21 loyal IMAO reader rebate. Please allow6-8 years for processing. Customer must keep all original receipts. No warranties are expressed or implied. Offer not valid in blue states. Please drink responsibly.
March 28, 2006
American Idol 5 Top Ten
Yay! House M.D. is back tonight! If only I didn't have to wait through American Idol. Actually, we'll probably watch it tomorrow. God bless the DVR.
Oh, I'd just like to thank the Earsore for all the traffic her skanky prom dress has gotten me over at mm today. And no thanks to Vote For the Worst. I thought their voting for the worst was comical, but now they're backing the Earsore, and really, do we want her to stick around so she can make me want to pour acid in my ears every time I hear her? So boo on you VFTW peeps. Yer killing me.
IDOLS 01... Lisa is singing "Because of You" by Kelly Clarkson. I wonder if she and Kellie had a big throw-down over who got to sing Kelly Clarkson. Ok, um... this was pretty bad. I like Lisa, I like her voice, she has terrible stage presence. But tonight she worked so hard on the stage presence (no doubt because everyone keeps calling her forgettable and saying she has lousy stage presence) that she completely botched the vocals. Really, she was offkey a lot, screechy a lot, and that hair flip thing was way over the top.
[WITHHELD FOREVER AND EVER AMEN]... Earsore Pickler is singing "Suds in the Bucket" by Sara Evans. That's a cutesy song to listen to in the car, but it's not even a showoff song for Sara Evans, and that chick has pipes galore. First of all, Kellie's very different in her pre-game interview. She is wearing less makeup, for one (she looks better, too), and she's less buoyant. Did I spell that right? Anyway, it's like she's lost some of her thunder. Maybe she started reading all the stuff people write about her idiot act and decided to tone it down? If so, thank you. Or maybe she just got ahold of some bad calamaray. Anyway, my ears hurt after that, no shocker. Her low range is awful. Mine is too, but if I'm picking a song to show off with, I don't pick a song that goes so deep into my shaky area, or I raise the key to something more comfy for me. Anyway, tonight she was even flatter personality-wise than she normally is vocal-wise, which is kinda boring for us snarkers. Touche, Dimwit, touche. UPDATE: I just went back and rewatched this, because the MRI last week showed that I don't have tumors in my ears, and I was hoping to grow some so I can be a more interesting patient for the doc. It's really worse the second time around. Not just the vocals (a given), but also the stage presence and the end talk with the judges (she only winked once or twice, and she hardly made any hand gestures). It's like she finally got deflated after that ballsy comment and realized the gig is up, and she wants out of the competition ASAP so meanies like me will stop saying ugly things about her.
IDOLS 03... Ace is singing "Drops of Jupiter", which is a good song choice for him. At the first hair flip, the performance is already way too gay. This was blah and bland and vocally hideous. He has absolutely no energy tonight. Moving on.
IDOLS 04... Look at Taylor! He got a haircut! And he's wearing something weird, like with a leather jacket and shiny shoes and everything. He's singing Ray LaMontagne's "Trouble". He's totally not dancing like a freak, which is letting him show off just how great that "whiskey tenor" voice is. Not the most exciting and flashy song, but for some reason this is one of my favorite Taylor performances ever. Hey look, there's George Huff. I liked him. Anyway, this wasn't the most exciting, but I would pop this one in the CD player, hop into my hammock, and listen to it over and over while alternately yelling at the golfers driving across my lawn and closing my pretty little eyes.
IDOLS 05... Mandisa is singing "Shackles" by Mary Mary. I love it, she's Jesus talking even in her song, and she's singing about freedom in Christ. This is what I love about this girl. She can pick anything she wants, and here she is going with contemporary gospel so she can use her showcase to loosely "witness" (as the kids like to call it these days). The vocals were a tad shaky, but Mandisa pulled it all together and mostly rocked. Frank and I enjoyed ourselves. Simon and Randy didn't like it (Simon thought it was indulgent??). I felt bad for Mandisa when Paula said there were millions of people joining the church of Mandisa. I said to Frank, "Oh, she's NOT going to like that comment," and she was shaking her head and very uncomfortable. Yeah, so Paula's never heard that whole idolatry bit in the Bible. But it's such a small part of the 10 Commandments that I'm sure a lot of people miss that part.
Frank just told me the name of the show is American IDOL.
IDOLS 06... Ok, so Ryan and Chris are talking, and giving credit to Live for last week's version of "I Walk the Line". Here's the thing. He probably tried to give credit in his pre-game talk last week, but AI cut it up because it's TV and that's what they do. And then all the backlash with people saying that Chris didn't give credit where credit was due, and if I'm guessing, I'm betting he asked if he could give credit before tonight's performance. Everyone knows he loves Live, and I don't think he intentionally left out the credit. Maybe that's just me.
RYAN SEACREST, YOU MUST STOP GOOGLING "SARAHK" TO SEE WHAT I SAY AND THEN PASS IT OFF AS YOUR OWN. Ryan said he'd love to see Chris sing Celine Dion. Yeah, I already said that. If he starts calling Kellie the Earsore, I'm totally emailing him a tough-love-o-gram. Who am I kidding? Ryan's all scripted except when Simon's judging a performance. BTW, Simon appears to be in a mood tonight.
Anyway, Chris is doing "What If" by Creed, which I think is great. Great performance. Simon thinks it's indulgent and that Chris needs to do something other than rock (after he said last week that he likes that Chris doesn't compromise - make up your mind). I keep seeing people comment that Chris needs to "branch out". WHY?? You know what I liked about Bo Bice? He was a rocker. Then he came out with a pop album. Yeah, not in a hurry to buy it. I listened to samples of all the songs, and none of them are the thing I liked about Bo. Why do I want to see Chris do showtunes or "The Power of Love"? He's a rocker, and I don't care if he can't sing pop. He's not going to put out a pop album, and if he does, I'm not in a hurry to buy.
WHAT IS KATHARINE WEARING????
IDOLS 07... Katharine is singing "The Voice Within" by Christina Aguilera. She says she has learned by doing AI that you can't trust anyone but yourself (trouble in roomy-land?). Katharine, you cannot trust your stylist, so I'm hearing you. If anyone ever tells you that's a good thing to wear, just pimp slap them, ok? Ok. It was good, she really sounded great (except on the runs, where she was a tad screechy). I've never heard the Christina version, and I'm ok with that, because Christina gets screechy sometimes herself. Anyway, she's got a fabulously controlled voice, and she did bust out a little more tonight (they really do listen to me occasionally, no?), so I'm happy with the performance. Good job. Oh, I criticized the clothes, but the face and hair are awesome. She's really beautiful tonight. And I do like that she's got back. Girls with back gotta support other girls with back. And she doesn't look pregnant tonight. Good on her.
IDOLS 08... Bucky is doing "Real Good Man" by Tim McGraw. He's dressed all up like Tim McGraw, too, even wearing the black hat so far down over the eyes that there's a shadow where his peepers should be. I actually thought it was Bucky's best in a while, and he actually sang like he wasn't trying to hide the fact that he was singing. I think with as bad as Lisa and Ace were tonight, Bucky will probably stick around.
IDOLS 09... Paris is doing "Work It Out" by Beyonce. She looks much better this week, that freaky 40s hair is gone, thank goodness. She's doing all the Destiny's Child dances that she learned when she was 14. Flinging the Beyonce hair, actually trying to do the whole Beyonce look tonight. She finally showed off her voice, at least. That part was great.
The freaky hair dancing and stomping was way much. I was afraid she was gonna jump out the HD and slap me with that freaky straw hair. Stop the madness, Paris, stop the madness.
IDOLS 10... This is brave. Elliott is doing "I Don't Wanna Be" by Gavin Degraw, which Bo Bice did last year, and did well. So he's gonna have to come up with something fresh. I hate to say this, because Elliott danced so goofy and dressed like he just stepped out of the gutter, but I liked the arrangement, and I really enjoyed the performance (with my eyes closed, because the squats were going to set me off on a giggle fit, and if my abs already hurt, I won't likely go to Curves tomorrow). He sang mostly great, with a smattering of eh.
In order by tonight's vocal (* ones got either my vote or Frank's vote, ** ones got both so we called twice):
Word of the night: Freaky. Let's all say it together.
UPDATE: Forgot to predict. The bottom 3 will be Ace, Lisa, Paris. Lisa goes home.
You Trailer Trash Hitler Hicks!
Found this comment to my short post on illegal immigrants from "wiseguy":
all you posters are just some low life trailer trash hicks and are a poor excuse for human beings. reminds me of germans that rallied for hitler. maybe trying to combine your carrot brains and buying a history book might actually open your diluted eyes.
Apparently, if you read the history books, the Nazi's taking over Germany came about from anger over their trailer park getting hit with a tornado and the government's inability to do anything about it. Naturally, the Jews were blamed.
Without trolls, how would we learn anything?
They Made Me Work!
Sorry for the lack of posting today, but, right after I posted my promo for the new shirt designs, I got called in for an all day meeting.
Yeah, no excuses; I should plan better. Anyway, I'll try to have a good In My World™ tomorrow to make up for it.
Anyway, I appreciate the feedback on the shirts. I saw some complaints for lack of graphics, but I couldn't think of any to go with those new designs plus the back print shirts already have the IMAO moon logo on the front. I and the rest of the IMAO staff will keep adding new designs as we have time (I have tons of ideas... including some with graphics; who wants a S.M.I.T.E. t-shirt?).
UPDATE: BTW, here's the editorial one of shirts designs came from. I plan on turning more editorial titles into shirts.
Plagarizing myself is fun!
Springtime in Paris
France may not have gotten the nod for the 2012 Summer Games, but they're doing a fine job of hosting the 2006 Mayhem Jamboree:
Hundreds of thousands of protesters packed the streets of French cities and stalled the transportation system Tuesday, protesting a controversial labor law that would allow employers to more easily hire and fire young workers.
This is standard procedure for French Riot Police, because nothing is more offensive and demoralizing to a Frenchman than forcing him to wash.
Illegal Immigration - Shmillegal Shmimmigration
There are some people in the U.S. illegally who don't like the U.S. immigration laws. That's a real shame. I feel sorry for them that they feel so unwelcome. That is not good. People, even hard working law abiding criminal type people, need to feel welcome. And they SHOULD feel welcome.
I want them to know, as far as I'm concerned, that they ARE in fact welcome. TO LEAVE.
My message to them: "Thanks for
Don't worry: You'll have an opinion some day.
Let’s talk about the issues.
Illegal immigration. Gay marriage. The war in Iraq.
I want to know what you think. Tell me.
(Two second pause)
Ha ha!! Fooled you. You’re not a pro – so I don’t CARE what you think.
I say this because professional crackpot (and syndicated columnist) Molly Ivins has chimed in with something I’ve long suspected: you bloggers should not be allowed to have opinions.
You’re probably thinking: Isn’t Molly Ivins the one who said the United States had killed more civilians than Saddam Hussein? Then she ended up eating crow and apologizing to all those people who risk their lives so she can skip her medication and sit at her computer?
Shows you what YOU know – that would be a fact, not that you’d know it because YOU’RE not a professional reporter. Thusly, you’re not allowed to have an opinion unless you can report on a five car pile up.
So would you like to try?
As a guide, I've compiled a collection of “professional news organizations” and how they would cover the same event.
Your opinion please: A Primer on Being a Real Reporter…
CBS News. It has been reported that there is a five car pile up on highway 128. We believe that’s the exact highway that President Bush would have used had he ever bothered to report for his National Guard service during the Vietnam War. Unfortunately, the technology does not exist to know if the cars involved were modern cars or cars from 1972. We apologize in advance for not having details but we needed to get this story out ASAP.
SF Chronicle. In a surprise that was a surprise to no one, 5 cars piled up on Highway 128 yesterday afternoon. Said one witness, “It was amazing. One car stopped. Then another one plowed right into his rear end. And then another guy piled right into his backside.” The incident was caught on film and has been nominated for an Academy Award. “We feel it should stand a good chance unless the Academy gets a sudden bout of homophobia.” No drivers were hurt in the accident as they all practiced safe driving.
Hannity and Colmes.
Redstate.org. Posted by Ben "I only plagiarized a little" Domenech.
Los Angeles Times: Highway 128 experienced a horrible accident when five cars, driven by potentially undocumented workers were involved in a pile-up. We emphasize that the immigrants probably owned the land long before the white man took it away and should in no way be held responsible in any way. No foul play is suspected as the vehicles were not SUVs. A rally will be held in downtown Los Angeles to show support for the drivers.
New York Times. In a growing sign of civil war, and adding to the woes of the Bush Administration, five cars piled up somewhere along highway 128. Said one unnamed source, “We hope this is not a sign that we are slipping into a civil war, but it probably is and I warned everyone about it and nobody listened.” This unnamed source will have a book coming out soon which we will feature on page one provided it blames the Bush administration directly. We contacted the Pentagon to see if it’s possible to issue body armor to civilians on highway 128. No calls were returned.
CNN News. New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin, held a press conference today to sympathize with those accident victims in a 1,500 car pile up. “There could be tens of thousands of people dead and nobody is doin’ nothin’” Other sources say that the people on the freeway have resorted to eating their young. Still others said, “It’s the bloodiest thing I’ve ever seen. I’ll never be able to sleep again as long as I live.” Many poor people did not have the money to get off the freeway and spent days stranded on the roofs of their cars.
NPR: Five young men, in five cars, slammed into each other by accident. The young men were screaming, “We will kill everyone with the explosives we have in our cars!. Allahu Akbar.” NPR believes these young men may have been fundamentalist Christians.
Yes, I know: It can be overwhelming. When you look at the quality of reporting out there, it’s easy to look at all of this and say, “I’m not worthy.” Remember: Apply for a job as a cub reporter. Work hard. Write those stories, and one day – yes, maybe one day – you’ll be able to have an official opinion.
What do you think?
What am I saying? You’re not a professional. What do I care what you think?
Okay, so there was a protest
Well, it turns out that Houston wasn't totally absent from the mass protests by illegal aliens across the country against the Immigration Reform bills in Congress, waving their Mexican and Aztlan flags. There were a few hundred students who walked out of classes and marched on the Immigration Office on the North side of town.
The kids who skipped classes will be disciplined for cutting class without an excuse. However, I think that as an additional punishment, the student who was quoted as saying this on the radio during the walkout needs to be beaten with the Irony Stick:
"We all want an education, we all want something in life."
Let me get this straight: you all want an education, so you walk out of classes? The classes that the nation you're in illegally provides you for free, and in your own language when you can't be bothered to learn the primary language of commerce and education in that country?
I guess if you're stupid enough to walk out on your education to protest that you want an education, you're stupid enough to open your mouth and let everyone know it.
What's next? Abstinence protests against teen pregnancy? Hunger strikesprotesting obesity?
Welcome to Houston: Here's a diploma. And a leafblower.
Support the Separation of Church and Murder!
Tolerance shouldn't be a substitute for convictions, and many people are starting to realize that the backwards beliefs of Islam need to be attacked themselves - even if it isn't "nice" to speak against religious beliefs. To make money off this movement, I've come up with three designs so you can show you support the separation of church and murder.
Buy now, or I'll taunt you for being a coward!
March 27, 2006
24 Day 5 9:00 p.m.
Great. There's the graphic violence warning. That just means someone else we like is gonna die.
Previously on 24, Tony's supposedly "dead" (yeah, right, where was the fan-fare). DHS is taking over CTU, President Estro is totally doing martial law based on the Veep's "advice". Half-Neckid Man-Girl gave up Audrey as her contact. Booty Call told Jack about Man-Girl. Wayne Palmer was attacked by terrorists on his way to see Aaron with vital information.
Ok, so the new ep starts, and Bill Buchanan tells Audrey that he has to detain her. "But why? Does Jack want to talk about our relationship in private? I've been wanting to do that, but he's always brushing me off because of "National Security." Pshhht. As if!"
Bill tells Audrey that she gave info to terrorists, and she says that's not true, and did Jack sanction this? Oh yeah, he did, and he's totally going to strangle your pinkytoe later!
Jack is talking to Man-Girl (who doesn't have a man's body, just to clarify, she just has a manly jawline. Not my fault.). He tells her he's totally gonna make her sorry if she's lying.
Buchanan is arguing with Mr. F, saying that he's known Audrey for years (18 months, to be exact), and they can't do aggressive interrogation on her. Jack walks in to Mr. F (after his super-fast magic-carpet ride to CTU) and tells her they need to let him interrogate Audrey. NO! LET SARAHK DO IT! Jack threatens Mr. F and tells her that if she's wrong and interrogates Audrey the wrong way, her daddy, the SecDef, is totally gonna kick Mr. F's pinkytoe. Mr. F is like, "but what if she's guilty?" and Jack is like, "You're a retard! Maybe we should figure it out first! Is your name Kellie Pickler?"
Terrorists are doing something, but really, do we pay attention before they actually do something? They're heading toward a target with lots of canisters. Whatever, this is about STRANGLING AUDREY!
Chloe tells Jack that Audrey and Walt Cummings were totally DOING IT! They stayed in the same room at the same hotel and whoa. That makes her an adultering fornicator, and yay! I have reason to hate her! Woohoo! And Jack has totally forgotten that he was doing it with Diane, and Chloe is like, "Sweeeeet! I got to tell Jack that Audrey's a whore!"
Sherry shows up and wants to talk to Chloe. She's there to replace Edgar. I know this girl, what was she on before. Chloe and the new girl are gonna have chamomile tea later, I feel it in my bones. New girl and that Mr. M from DHS are eyeing each other like they've DONE IT before.
Jack goes in and questions Audrey. Audrey's like, "But we used to DO IT, Jack, you totally know I couldn't be bad!" And Jack's like, "Yeah, but I've DONE IT with lots of girls, you the least of them." Jack asks if Audrey knows Walt or Robocop. She says she's met Walt a couple of times, and Jack's like, where? And Audrey's like, "Oh just office parties, no biggie," and Jack's like, "YOU WHORE! YOU SHARED A ROOM WITH HIM LAST YEAR!" And she's like, "Oh yeah. But you know, it was only because you died, and he'd just separated from his wife, and I totally broke up with him." And Jack says, "Why?" and she says, "Because he wasn't you." And SarahK is like, "Gag me with a spoon!" And Audrey's like, "I only didn't tell you because he turned out to be a traitor, and no, really, that's it!" And Jack totally wants to kill her, and he's holding her up against the wall by the neck, and I'm LOVING IT! And Jack's like, "This convo is totally over, man," and Audrey has totally won.
Chloe asks Sherry why Mr. M from DHS is so hostile toward her. And Sherry tells Chloe that a while back, they worked together, and she had to file a SEXual harrassment charge against him because he was a total fiend, and she says, I shouldn't mess up, and Chloe says, "Uh, yeah."
Jack says Audrey is done being interrogated because he can't take it any more, and Bill says that DHS's Mr. F wants her questioned more. Me? I just want Jack to strangle her once more. Maybe twice more. Jack starts strangling people just for fun, and Audrey's being taken away, and Jack's been taken into custody.
Robocop is talking to his buddy asking if Wayne is dead yet. "No, but he will be soon!" Aaron, the greatest SS agent EVER, asks where Wayne is. He decides to go out and look for Palmer, and I'm like, "Why is Wayne alive and David's dead? Is that justice?"
Jack tells Mr. F that Audrey is innocent. "Why?" "Because I DID IT with her! And Nina Meyers is -- anyway, forget about Nina, this is about Audrey, and she's whiney and stuff, but I totally know she's not lying."
Do we really need a sexual harrassment subplot right now? This new girl (whom I really want to call Jamie, because she reminds me of Jamie from the first season) is fighting with Mr. M, and Chloe comes to her rescue and tells Mr. M that if he doesn't shut up and stop being a pinkytoehead, she'll file a complaint with Division and show him what protocol is all about. And SarahK's like, "I love Chloe!"
At a gas company (Wilshire, which is totally the name of the hotel in Pretty Woman -- the Regent Beverly Wilshire), the terrorists arrive and shoot people. They want to go to the control room. Ok, just don't shoot me, I'll take you there. So they're gonna put the nerve gas in the gasoline, but that's ok, because gas prices are so high that everyone in L.A. owns electric french-fry cars now, so no one will die. Aw, how sweet for it to end so cleanly! Frank says it's a natural gas pipeline, so I'm totally bummed that my joke no longer works. Darnit! I hate it when I'm not funny!
Terrorist tells the gas guy to reduce the pipeline's PSI by 1/2 in the next half hour (whew! I was worried that it wouldn't be within the hour!) or he kills people.
Audrey's about to be tortured. Can I start cheering? Dangit, I hate it when Frank has a headache and I can't yell.
Wayne tells Aaron to drop his gun, and after he points his gun at the back of Aaron's head, Aaron says, "Whoa, it's me. Don't hurt me." And they get happy and go terrorist hunting together.
Audrey is being tortured (translation: talked to harshly, wooo, poor baby). I think they injected something too, but big whoop. I inject myself every evening. It's not that bad.
Jack goes back to Man-Girl and asks why she's fingering Audrey in the whole thing. She admits that Robocop told her to blame Audrey for everything. Now, is there really anything wrong with that? Jack forces Man-Girl to tell him where it is, and it's the natural gas distribution center, though they don't know why. See, we're all-electric-type people. We don't want anyone to be able to distribute anything via natural gas, so we go electric.
Audrey's all freaked out and sweaty, and whew, get that girl a blow dryer because she looks like a wet chihuahua right now. Ew. They're kissing. Blech. Cognac shrimp a second time. My esophagus hurts from the throw-up acid.
Jack just said, "I'll be right back." Did he learn nothing from the Scream movies? You never say you'll be right back, because that means you'll be right dead! Stupid Jack!
New girl figures out that the PSI thing would happen, so they figure out which natural gas plant is under attack. When Bill walks away, new girl tells Chloe that Bill's hand brushed her shoulder, and that was wrong. New girl's a whiney liberal. That's the only way to describe her. Boohoo, he accidentally touched her. Ok, I'm pretty sure she's the girl who was on Felicity and every time I see that show in reruns I always think it's Jennifer Garner and then I decide she's not JG.
On the way back from the bathroom just now, I smacked my ankle on the TV-trays holder. I could cry right now.
Ok, so they're headed to the gas place. To be honest, I'm more interested in Tony (who's not actually dead), Chloe and the new psycho-girl, and Audrey, because it was really cool seeing her strangled. My ankle hurts.
Chloe is trying to help Jack pinpoint where in the gas place he needs to attack, and Jack's yelling because he's sexually frustrated (wouldn't you be if you OUAT DID IT with Audrey?). I think my ankle is swelling. Chloe tells Jack to hurry. But we're only half-way through the season (as of last week), so if they catch Bierko now, what will we do for the next 11 hours?).
Jack tells everyone to turn their silencers off. (??? Am I the only one who finds this silly?) Anyone notice that Curtis is there? I wonder if he's gonna die. I'll be mad if he does.
The canisters have been activated by remote by Bierko (i'm so confused. where's Robocop?), so Jack wants to blow up the gas with C-4 so the gas doesn't go to the houses and the Centox will be incinerated.
Everything starts blowing up, but Jack just has to chase Bierko. Jack looks at Bierko, and Bierko falls down. There are lots of explosions. And the beep-boop of the end of the air.
My ankle hurts.
Next week: Audrey asks Curtis if Jack is there, and Curtis is like, "Am I my Jackie's keeper?". CTU is being taken over by DHS. Elaine (Martha's aide) is someone's source inside the White House (assumably Robocop's). Note: They do not show Jack nor Tony on the show next week, which mean's they're both alive.
I Can Plug What I Want
Joanne Jacobs finally has her book out Our School : The Inspiring Story of Two Teachers, One Big Idea, and the School That Beat the Odds. The book follows the principal, teachers and students at Downtown College Prep, a San Jose charter high school that prepares students who are “failing but not in jail” to succeed at four-year colleges.
Joanne Jacobs was one of the first blogs to link to me, so I feel a plug for her book is the least I can do (those early links mean a lot when you're starting a blog). To be honest, educational issues haven't been by biggest interests, but I'm guessing that will change when I one day have kids (SarahK and I are pretty set on home-schooling; you haven't seen algebra until you've seen Frank J. style algebra!).
Those Illegal People!
Some people want to make it a felony to illegally enter this country. That's crazy! Calling illegal aliens "felons" just gives them a sense of legitimacy. Who do you think of when you hear "felons"? Americans, that's who (or possibly Australians). Instead, let's just keep calling them "People Who Aren't Supposed to Be Here" or simply "Mexicans."
John Kerry doesn't just hate celery, but he exploits it as a token vegetable
Here's something odd. Let's take a look at page 1:
Now let's take a look at page 4:
Wait a minute. Doesn't John Kerry hate celery? And yet it's requested right there on page 4! John Kerry is such a flip-flopper, he can't even make up his mind on celery.
As for the despise of tomato-based products and sandwiches on page 1, he goes right ahead and asks for tomatoes as snacks on page 4. What has John Kerry got against tomatoes making a better life for themselves, branching out from their raw, unfulfilled potential into the wide range of tomato-based products and sandwiches we have today? He's keeping the hardworking tomato down, I say, locking out the tomato from sandwiching and processing opportunities.
Didn't tomato-based products help to fund his presidential campaign? After all, his wife is the heiress to the Heinz fortune, is she not?
If tomato-based products are good enough to pay the bills, then I believe they should be good enough to participate in the campaign. To deny them a seat on the bus is just as bad as my pointing to Right Wing Duck and saying "See? How could I possibly hate Mexicans? Right Wing Duck is a friend."
Or something like that.
You know, when I think tomato-based products, I think Chef Boyardee and Franco-American. Chef Boyardee was famous for developing canned tomato and pasta products to support our troops in World War II and Franco-American has American in its name.
Does John Kerry not support our troops?
Most of all, how dare John Kerry deny the greatness that is the BLT, the cornerstone of the USA's diet.
You know, America was built on a foundation of celery and tomato-based products. To blithely hate celery, and yet keep it around as some kind of "token" vegetable for people to see him with, that's just promoting a lie to pander to the Celery Vote.
And that's how W. won in 2004: standing firm on the issues that matter to Americans most. America saw through Kerry's treating celery as some sort of token vegetable, and they made their hatred of hypocrisy and exploitation known at the ballot box.
It's Possible for a Religion to Thrive Without the Threat of Murder
An Editorial by Frank J.
At worship on Sunday, a man stood up and asked for forgiveness for his sins. I said we should murder him for his transgressions, but I was shouted down. Later, it was noted that someone was no longer in attendance, and it was suggested that we contact him and pray for him. I asked that, if he won't come back to our religion, should we behead him and cut him to pieces. I was told, "No."
"Well, what about kneecapping him?" I inquired. They answered that Jesus would be against that. When I asked why we care what Jesus thinks, they just said they'd pray for me and seemed to ignore me after that.
So I turned to my lovely and talented wife SarahK and asked, "What is this crazy religion you keep dragging me to? It has all these rules about not doing fun stuff because they're 'sins,' but how do they expect to keep people in line without the threat of murder?"
"You shut up, goofy-goof, or I won't make you cookies tonight," SarahK answered.
"I've seen enough action movies to know this is the part where Jesus finally snaps, pulls out his dual .45s, and takes out everyone in need of a kill'n. I was wrong."
I decided to get the bottom of this. Luckily, the teachings of Jesus - The Bible - were available for free on the internet, and no one was threatening to sue the sites for revealing the secrets of Christianity. Now, people were always getting right in the Jesus guy's face, so I knew he'd eventually wreak vengeance on his enemies. But I searched for "strangle," "behead," and, "kick to the crotch" and couldn't find Jesus using any violence to get people doing what he told them. Then, I finally stumbled upon a passage where Jesus flips out in a temple and starts knocking over tables. I've seen enough action movies to know this is the part where Jesus finally snaps, pulls out his dual .45s, and takes out everyone in need of a kill'n. I was wrong. He doesn't kill anyone - not even a gut punch. Eventually, he gets killed without even putting up a fight. Seriously, Michael Bay couldn't do a thing with this story.
So how did Christianity get started? I assumed next came Jesus’ followers avenging their leader's death and getting people to follow them at spear point. Nope. They just hid from those trying to kill them while peacefully building up followers.
And this religion is still around two thousand years later?
I know; it's weird. Most people are used to religion only working if death is threatened; why else would one want to follow a bunch of restrictive rules if there isn't any danger that you'll be cut to pieces? Apparently, Christianity uses this whole "salvation" thing to attract people - the carrot instead of the stick. So, if I get things right, I can sin and blaspheme all I want - swearing, doing drugs, and fornicating - and no one will murder me.
SarahK informed me that this was incorrect, as she would murder me, but she herself would be sinning. So, not only is murder in support of Christianity not encouraged, it itself is a sin. This wasn't always well known, though, and some people long long ago murdered people for not being Christians. That causes problems today, as people will say, "While other religions murder people now, some people a hundred million years ago murdered people in the name of Christianity, so Christianity is just the same."
And you might respond, "But that was very long ago and went against the principles of Christianity and thus is condemned."
And the person will rebut, "Yes, but I'm a moral retard who equivocates everything. As far as I'm concerned, A is the same as Z."
And there is no response to that.
So, not only is murder completely condemned by Christianity, the fact that anyone would murder in the name of Christ is considered harmful to the religion.
Despite these insane, murder-phobic beliefs, Christianity still seems to thrive. "Good living" and "salvation" apparently is enough to keep people faithful to a religion. Actually, it makes one wonder that, if "not being murdered" is the main selling point of your religion, maybe you should rethink the whole thing.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is a frequent contributor to IMAOPodcast.com. He is also the author of such books as "I'll Murder You if You Don't Buy This Book!" and "What Jesus Wouldn't Do - The Frank J. Story".
Bank Robbers Unite!
Bank Robbers from across the nation will gather today to hold a rally to protest some of the latest hate tactics perpetrated by evil conservative Republicans. The plan calls for criminalizing and in this case, making it a felony to rob a bank. Said one congressman, "We're tired of all this illegal activity."
Senator Hillary Clinton today held a press conference. "This seems wrong. Would we ask the Good Samaritan to not rob a bank? Would we ask Jesus not to rob a bank? This doesn't seem like it would follow the Bible, which I think I read once." Senator Clinton, who worships at the First Rainbow Church of the People, was deeply offended and called on those with similar beliefs to contribute money to her charity: Hillary for President 2008. There is no word on whether she might run for president.
Additionally, this bill would make it a crime to help bank robbers in the process of committing the crime. This change has many people riled up.
Said Jose Luis, "What about those people with no job skills? What are they supposed to do? What about those people whose only crime is to drive a getaway car? Are you going to put them in jail too? What have they done wrong?"
Roberto, a successful bank robber, can earn up to $1,200 on a good day. "I can't make that kind of money robbing banks in Mexico." This money of course is later circulated into the American Economy.
Without bank robbing, many of these young men would turn to more drastic forms of stealing such as spam, and running for congress.
According to Roberto, even the unsuccessful ones contribute to the economy. "Would those prison guards have jobs? Would they be able to do anything without the undocumented withdrawers? That's all we're saying."
What is not widely known is just how dangerous this work can be. "We spent hours sitting in a dark cramped van waiting for the right heist." In a tragic tragedy last week, three bank robbers perished while trying to case a joint. "This kind of thing should not happen in America. We couldn't take care of them. They died in the back seat like some cheap date for Ted Kennedy. We had no place to take them!" Indeed, it is estimated that 1 out of every 3 bank robbers does not have healthcare coverage.
"We're left to fend for ourselves and nobody cares about us!" says Carlos. "American is starting to become like other more hateful countries".
Carlos is now here in America and is very excited at President Bush's new plan: The Bank Robbing Guest Robber Program.
The rally will be held at noon right outside First National Bank.
Protests? What protests?
Here in Houston, we don't get all activist and angry and stuff like Los Angeles and New York City and Washington do. People here have things like jobs and family lives to deal with. Despite having a very large Hispanic population, this whole Immigration Protest fad just isn't catching on here.
We also don't have idiots like this shouting at reporters looking for quick, clever soundbites to cram into their stories.
"When did you ever see a Mexican blow up the World Trade Center? Who do you think built the World Trade Center?" said David Gonzalez, 22
Yeah, breaking the back of the already-crippled healthcare system and school systems doesn't matter. One symbolic act of terrorism and mass murder should be the basis of judging whether a growing illegal minority within our borders is a threat to the stability of our society and economy or not.
You know, Charles Manson didn't blow up the World Trade Center. Let's let him free. Same with Dan Rostenkowsi, Ken Lay, and Tookie Williams. (oops! Too late!)
The guy who nearly ran me over on the way to work this morning? I don't think he was involved in blowing up the World Trade Center. I'll forgive him for nearly splattering me across his hood and the street.
As for who actually built the World Trade Center? Easy: The Mafia, stupid.
Which is why the Freedom Tower project is running into delay after delay. You've got a Jewish developer arguing with a Jewish designer. Meanwhile, The Mafia sits on the insurance money and Uncle Sam's pity money and gains interest on it.
Once they milk the project for as much as they can get out of it, then the World Trade Center will be rebuilt...
Just in time for the Mexicans to blow it up.
Chomps Is Back!
In the form of products you can buy!
Thanks to Doug from ThoseShirts.com for letting me use the image (did you order your military slogans shirt?).
I was going to announce that in the test newsletter lastnight, but I screwed that up. The official test newsletter will instead come out later this week with a teaser of information to expect from future newsletters.
Anyway, you'll notice the IMAO store link on the right sidebar [Ed: that's the left sidebar, which is Frank's other right.], so go buy IMAO products to help support your IMAO friends who all really need money (except for cadet happy; he's a bloodsucking lawyer). And keep checking back as we add new products.
A group of wolves is called a pack.
The Daily Kos.
March 26, 2006
The first test newsletter will go out tonight, so make sure to sign up on the left sidebar or at the IMAO Store to get its secret information. The first official newsletter will come out sometime next week.
UPDATE: Apparently I can only send a newsletter every seven days, and, since I was fiddling around with the newsletter before I had any subscribers, I'll have to wait a couple days to send the Official Test Newsletter.
Can you store C-4 in their humps?
Saddam Hussein apparently was ready to turn camels - the "ships of the desert" - into suicide zodiacs:
Saddam Hussein planned to use "camels of mass destruction" as weapons to defend Iraq, loading them with bombs and directing them towards invading forces.
If Iraqi insurgents had used camels as platforms for explosives in suicide attacks, I'm sure PETA would have sprung into action.
March 25, 2006
Add a couple more shirts and products (some logo mugs and black background logo stuff) to the IMAO store (and fixed the typo on RWD's shirt; SarahK saw it right away and I thought I had fixed it...). Also, all the IMAO logos (and the ronin kanji) have been redone with a darker color red so it's not so bright and happy. Even more stuff should be added over the weekend (hopefully including the return of Chomps). Keep putting suggestions in the comments.
ThoseShirts.com will still sell all the premium IMAO shirts, but we'll try out more specialized idea in our store (plus mugs and bumper stickers and whatever else you want). Also, I'll be doing a drive soon for people to sign up for the IMAO Newsletter through our CafePress store, but, if you sign up now, you could receive the special "Test" newsletter!
IMAO: Our number one goal is money (our second is humor).
March 24, 2006
Why Glenn Reynolds Loves His Grandma
While surfing Instapundit, I was stopped dead in my tracks by this line:
"I've been hanging out with my grandmother, and enjoying it."
Odd. Outside of eating her chocolate chip cookies, I never enjoyed MY grandmother's company. Although her habit of balancing her dentures on her nose, tossing them up in the air, and catching them in her mouth may have had something to do with it.
Anyway, turns out that there are two reasons Glenn enjoys visiting Granny so much.
First, she always takes him out hobo-hunting:
Second, Elly May is totally freakin' HOT!
Now before you go "EWWWW! She's his cousin! That's just WRONG!", just be relieved that it's not his sister.
Not that THAT matters in Tennessee.
IMAO Celebrity Blog Exclusive!!!
I am grateful to the people at the Huffington Post for setting a new standard for celebrity blogs. Below is an exclusive sneak preview -from top secret made up sources - of the next explosive celebrity post from Tom Cruise.
People have really started to get themselves worked up over this South Park thing. Did they fire, Isaac Hayes, the voice actor who played Chef, or didn't they? Did Chef quit because South Park was too offensive?
Some critics defend South Park. They don't know the history of South Park. I know the history of South Park. I've watched it many times. I even cried in that episode where Kenny died. But this time I have to say that the show has crossed the line: They mocked scientology!
I practice Scientology: As an advanced Thetan Z-28 Level One Clear(Celebrity Division) I can tell you the truth about our people. First, we are NOT a bunch of whackos. I can't believe that South Park portrayed us as crazy people. When I watched that episode, it made me so angry that I I fell off my couch. Katie's always telling me to quit jumping on the couches. This last fall really hurt. Normally when I fall off a couch I have a stuntman. .
But hey, I'm Tom. I can jump wherever I want. The other day, the studio set up a trampoline for me - in my trailer! Isn't that great? They didn't want me to bump my head so they installed a special ceiling - it was over 5 feet high!!
I didn't like this episode so I threatened the studio. I told them that if they aired this piece of offensive garbage I would not be promoting Mission Impossible 3. They need me to promote this film. A movie is nothing unless I go on Jay Leno and jump on his couch. And just because they paid me millions of dollars to be in this movie in no way obligates me to be grateful. The movie itself is very exciting and you should go see it - or not - depending on how people treat me.
Mission Impossible is a great series. it always has me doing something impossible like saving the world, or breaking into the CIA, or finding the Democrats plan for America.
Lately people have been very insensitive to religion. Like those nasty portrayals of the Prophet Mohammed. I bet if Islam had a celebrity division, they'd be complaining left and right. Right now they have to defend their peaceful image by rioting and killing!
I'm here to say that I'm not crazy. Well, not THAT kind of crazy. But I'm crazy in LOVE I tell you. Hold on - I need to check in on my sweetheart, Katie. Do you need anything Katie darling?
Can I get you something to drink?
So, that's the deal. South Park is bad. . Make sure you go out and see my new movie. Unless somebody upsets me again in which case I say don't see the movie. Instead, go to your post office and mail me your cash.
And don't mess with me! Just a few more lessons and I'll be able to materialize anywhere at will and I might know where you live!
This has been an IMAO exclusive. Those of you who don't practice Scientology may continue to laugh. Those of you who do practice may now report us to your authorities.
Challenge: Destroy Laurence's Brain
No. Really. Don't go to those sites. You'll only simmer in madness like a Fillet-o-Fish in a grillbasket.
My hands shake. My brain throbs. My eyes must be bleeding.
I can no longer exist in this crippled state. Put your favorite brain-damaging Flash-based songs/videos in the comments and finish me off.
IMAO - The Store!
Well, I've been working on the new IMAO store (it's pretty) and only have a few designs so far (including a couples idea from the lovely and talented SarahK). I plan to add a ton more over the weekend (including the return of the Chomps t-shirt).
One thing I like is the option to sign up for our newsletter. I always wanted a newsletter, as that would allow announcement stuff (like this post) to be kept off the main blog.
Expect the store to officially premiere next week. Until then, critique what's there and suggest what products you're looking for from IMAO.
Since it's Friday, I thought I'd spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka "I-MEOW").
Sure, some of the IMAO bloggers have cats, but apparently I'm the only one of them stupid enough to Friday Catblog. Maybe they're all super-smart or something. And pretty, too.
Anyway, it's time for Frisky:
If you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Frisky is... um...
Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.
An old nursery school rhyme says:
To defeat Hillary's curse,
So why didn't Hillary Clinton burst into flames when she brought up Jesus in defense of illegal immigrants?
She was careful to not use an exact Bible quote as she knew that meant instant death.
March 23, 2006
Dick wants zap-zap box
Why is everyone all agog about Dick Cheney wanting the TV turned to Fox News among his list of demands when "Microwave" is on the list?
The man has a pacemaker, folks. Have we not seen the "Krusty Gets Framed" episode of The Simpsons?
Pickin' on Pickler
So. I'm getting some sort of reputation for hatin' on Kellie Pickler. Pee-shaw, y'all must be gettin' me confused with someone else!!
Last night, when Mr. F made her "What's a ballsy?" remark and let America in on the joke that she's an over-the-top-cartoon fake (Frank just kept saying, "She did not just say that" even though I replayed it for him 3 times), red said her immediate reaction was to wonder what my response would be.
And over at Hugh Hewitt, Mary Katharine says that I really, really don't like Kellie Pickler. As if!
I'm just misunderstood. Really I am.
Ok, maybe not. "She's a pale-faced mealy-mouthed ninny and I hate her!"
Good Morning, America. (Except for you, President Bush. You make me sick.)
ABC News' John R. Green (In case you're wondering exactly who this guy is, ask him at firstname.lastname@example.org) is apparently allergic to President Bush somehow.
In an email back in September 2004, he wrote:
"Are you watching this? Bush makes me sick. If he uses the 'mixed messages' line one more time, I'm going to puke."
Now, in Green's defense, one cannot immediately assume that when he wrote Bush it was refering to President Bush. After all, Barbara Bush sorta looks like George Washington these days, so it's not uncommon for someone to mistake the veterable matron of our First Family's dynasty for a man.
Then there's the possibility that he was watching one of those Bush Baked Beans commercials. You know, where the guy tries to keep his dog Duke from divulging the family secret recipe for baked beans. But in that case, Green should have said "If he uses the 'roll that beautiful bean footage' line one more time" instead of what he said. Unless he had the sound turned down and the Closed Captioners were smoking crack that day, of course (It could happen)
One could also determine that Green meant to write Busch instead of Bush. Believe me, I've known plenty of executive producers, and their spelling leaves a lot to be desired. And if you're drinking Busch at 11 in the morning like this guy would have been, yeah, it's going to make you really sick no matter what you're watching. Plus, you're very likely to miss the C key on your keyboard when writing emails blitzed on Busch, let alone the urinal when you're finished with that Busch beer at noon.
Now I've assuming here that the B is capitalized in Bush because it's a proper name. But as we all know, assuming makes an ass out of you and Spacemonkey. So, since it comes at the start of a sentence, it could actually be just a bush. Lower-case b, the thing that God set on fire to spook the pants off of Moses (although it was a Burning Bush in that case... never mind)
If we follow this possibility, instead of "Bush makes me sick" it's "bush makes me sick." Like he's fruity or something...
Nah. Gays in television? Perish the thought. Next thing you know, they'll hire Jews.
Another meaning for bush is a sexual one, which suggests he was watching low-budget, crackwhore-on-midget pornography while at work. Hrm...
I'd just as well assume it's the last example in this case, and you should to. After all, even though ABC News has biased and unashamed leftists like Mike Halperin on the payroll as a Political Director, ABC News' decades-long reputation as the most-watched news source for Americans should speak for itself and allay any fears that there are biased and angry moonbats on the staff masquerading as television professionals. Especially now that their smug chainsmoking Canadian is dead.
This doesn't quite explain the whole "mixed messages" phrase all that much, even though that phrase could be a turn-on if you say it in a deep, sultry voice...
And there you go. With all this in mind, if you come across titles such as "Mixed Messages In Bondage" or "Meaty Bouncy Mixed Messages" while shopping for pornography, I'd strongly suggest steering away from that title. Look for some kind of Seal Of Approval on the cover, or at least a random bodily fluid stain to show that someone approved of the contents.
This has been a public service message from your friend, Laurence Simon. NOW GO TO BED!
The UNHRC Membership Contest
Well, the good news is that the horribly corrupt and badly-implemented Commission on Human Rights (aka "Committee of Human Rights Violators") at the United Nations has been abolished. Hooray.
The bad news is that it has been replaced with the equally-corrupt and badly-implemented United Nations Human Rights Council. Boo.
Since y'all have probably been on the edge of your seats with the 65 (since when has it been 65?) picks in March Madness, I figured that there'd be a good idea to hold a contest to predict the 47 nations you think will be on the new UNHRC.
Post your guesses in the comments. Winner will receive a custom set of M&M's that say "I READ IMAO.US" Or something else that says IMAO if it's much funnier, like "IMAO BITES."
Okay, how about some rules?
I originally considered holding a contest to predict who would be the target of their first resolution, but come on... isn't that obvious?
I'm Beneficially Incompetent
Senator Harry Reid called Bush "dangerously incompetent" as opposed to Reid's own much more innocuous "bumbling incompetence." This may just be election year rhetoric, but there have been some evidence that Bush is indeed incompetent... incompetent to levels of dangerousness!
EVIDENCE OF BUSH'S DANGEROUS INCOMPETENCE
* Instead of a laser pointer for presentations, he uses the laser sight on a cocked .45.
* Lost the nuclear launch codes when Barney snatched them and ran off.
* Stores Drano in juice boxes in clear reach of children.
* Keeps losing the pins to his Presidential grenades.
* Usually spends his entire paycheck on lottery tickets.
* Every time he gets a hankering for a hunk of cheese, he ends up with a mousetrap on his hand... or his face.
* Never replace the roll of toilet paper.
* Almost had Greece obliterated because he thought he saw it move on a map.
* Suggested we could help calm Iraq by tainting the drinking water with LSD.
* When meeting new foreign dignitaries, he hugs just a little too hard.
* Tried to sell the Judicial Branch to Dubai.
* Has yet to eliminate his feeble opponents such as Harry Reid.
So, yeah, maybe Bush is a bit dangerously incompetent, but he's still better than all the alternatives I've seen. Plus, he’s just so much fun!
Must... Get... More... Money...
In addition to the high quality shirts from ThoseShirts.com (BTW, the military slogan shirt is now shipping), we're now starting a IMAO CafePress shop to offer t-shirt ideas that are more targeted (i.e. not as big a market for them) as the shirts from ThoseShirts.com plus other products. It's under construction right now, and all that is availble for the moment is the Ronin logo shirt (with the nuke logo on the front). You can sign up for the newsletter to find out as we add more IMAO humor in merchandise form.
So, what kind of products are you guys looking for?
UPDATE: Chomps will return in CafePress form.
March 22, 2006
If Democrats Ran Iraq
The new Iraqi Parliament that was elected last December has finally been sworn in, but - due to an egregious mix-up at the ballot box - it turned out that all those elected were actually American Democrats.
Vowing to "do for Iraq what Bushitler won't let us do for America", the new Parliament promised to do the following during its first 100 days:
* Outlaw use of the word "terrorist" - replace it with "person of murder".
* No more death penalty. Except for those who refer to a person of murder as a "terrorist"
* Also outlawed will be the phrase "camel jockey", unless it's used at an actual camel race.
* Or by a rap artist.
* It will be illegal to bow toward Mecca at a public school.
* Having a non-denominational "moment of bending" isn't acceptable either.
* No one will be allowed to draw cartoons of Jesus, Buddha, or Moses. However, the Iraqi government WILL fund artworks such as the urine-soaked holy book, "Whiz Koran".
* No cartoons of Cindy Sheehan, either, because her son died for George Bush's sins.
* BUUUUUUUUUUUSH! *shakes fist at sky*
* Floor sweeping will be forbidden in all bars and restaurants, due to the hazards of "secondhand dirt".
* Meanwhile, the tax on brooms will be raised another 50 cents.
* No one will be allowed to own a gun except for police and persons of murder.
* Camel spiders will now be considered an endangered species, and no oil drilling will be allowed in their habitats.
* Unless the oil is being sold to France, Germany, Russia, or China.
* All camels will be required to get an average of 28 miles per gallon of water.
* 38 for the economy 1-hump models
* Witnesses in court trials have to swear to tell the truth while placing their hand on a copy of "Heather Has Two Mommies".
* All of Saddam's old presidential Palaces will be re-named "The Robert C. Byrd Memorial Palace", followed by a Roman numeral.
* And stop nagging Senator Byrd to apologize for his Klan membership! You people are like a pitbull on a mailman's leg with that!
* All sand dunes will be made wheelchair accessible.
* The new Iraqi flag will be an upside down American flag with a picture of Michael Moore's butt on it.
* Women will have equal rights. To apply for these rights, they should send a resume to email@example.com.
Frankly, *I'd* be ok with all of these, as long as they make "Democracy! Whiskey! Sexy!" the new Iraqi National anthem. (explanatory reference)
I Hate Making Other People Money
Why didn't someone tell me IMAO.com was coming up for sale? It was just bought for $2,150, and, from the looks of IMAO.com, it's one of those sites made to get traffic from people meaning to come here.
So what happened to the Japanese handle makers?
(thanks to reader Hutz for alerting me to this)
UPDATE: Apparently there was a whole auction for it and everything. Eh, I couldn't have afforded it anyway.
One kid. Two kid. Red kid. Blue kid.
Does your child complain constantly? Does she have pictures on her wall of Ann Coulter? Does your son threaten to go “nuh-ku-ler”? Congratulations – you have yourself a little conservative. Or at least, that’s the finding from a researcher from Berkeley (City Motto: We Don’t Have a City Motto Because They’re Fascist), California.
To summarize the study: Some students were whiney and grew to become conservatives. Others had more of a ‘laissez fair’ attitude and grew to become individual strong liberals. (Hat tip: Michelle Malkin)
IMAO readers can be proud of the fact that IMAO bloggers pour over the data that others refuse to read because it may contain big words and have zero pictures. We then take this data and throw it away in favor simple words and immature drawings. (Which I’ll post later when my scanner works.)
Here is yet another Fake But Accurate Summary of the researchers and their findings.
The Berkeley Report: One kid. Two kid. Red kid. Blue Kid.
Observation: Suzie complains to the teacher: “Billy’s making fun of my hair.”
Observation: Suzie making fun of John’s “corn rows”.
Observation: John asked the teacher’s permission to use the bathroom.
Observation: Jimmy took a pee out the window.
Observation: Johnny insisted on eating his crayons.
Observation: Jill let layer of glue dry on her palm. Then she peeled it off.
Teachers Question: “Billy, what color is this?”
Teacher’s Question: “Johnny, what color is this?”
Observation: Little Jamal hits a lot of the kids.
Observation: Johnny likes to pretend he’s a super hero.
Observation: Bruce likes to pretend he’s a girl.
Observation: George says “please” and “thank you” to his teacher.
Observation: Roberto says nothing. Nothing all day.
Observation: Moonbeam, wanders the hallways without a pass.
Observation: Georgie painted a picture of Jesus using finger paint.
Observation: Hilary painted a picture of Jesus using feces.
We will strive to provide more of this crucial data to IMAO readers as it becomes available. I have to go now. I have Desperate Housewives on TiVo. I heard this last episode was steamy: they had laissez fair.
Skinheads are such boneheads
Demonstrating how far Europe has advanced since the end of World War II, Neo-Nazis are now threatening to slaughter Muslims at World Cup events.
Instead of calling them skinheads, perhaps it's time to call them boneheads.
"We are united. For the first time we are talking and planning together, with the English, the Germans, the Dutch, the Spanish, everyone with the same objective. At the World Cup there will be a massacre," said the Italian ultra.
So they're going to go out in large groups and attack Muslims? Talk about the fallacy of planning for the last war... sheesh! Next thing you know, you'll brand numbers on their wrists, make them sew crescents to their shirts and build BMW engines in work camps.
How dreadfully Forties. Been there, done that, and Iran's denied it time and time again.
Come on, guys. Everybody knows that all you need to do is publish a bunch of cartoons mocking Mohammed and the Muslims will riot and kill themselves by the dozens.
And there's the added advantage that it pits your enemies against each other - police in riot gear vs. rioting Muslims.
No wonder why they lost World War Two.
In My World: At Least He Didn't Become a Jew
"Since it's your millionth birthday today, I think I'll let you ask a question, Helen," President Bush said at his press conference.
"What were your real reasons for war?" Helen Thomas screeched.
"To be honest," Bush stated, "I once took a look at your horrid visage, you shriveled old hag, and it became burned in my memory. I could neither eat nor sleep because of it, and I decided the only way I could get your corpse-face out of my head was to commit to a large scale war."
"Why did you lie about your reasons for war?" Thomas said as a follow up.
"Because I didn't want to hurt your feelings. Then, I realized you don't have any since your brain long ago faded to dust and your head is probably just full of cobwebs and crumpled up Chinese newspapers."
"Where are my pills?" Thomas demanded.
"I had the Secret Service confiscate them, and I hope you need them to live. Next question!"
Bush turned off the TV and looked to Scott McClellan. "See, that's how you handle a press conference, doughy."
Scott stared. "Yes, sir."
"Now get me a soda, bitch!"
Scott hurried off, and then the phone rang. "Hello, I'm President Bush," President Bush answered.
"Hi, it's Hamid Karzai."
"You know, President of Afghanistan."
Bush thought for a moment. "Oh yeah, I forgot all about that place with Iraq and all. How are things going? Do you need a new fluffy hat?"
"Things are good, President Bush. I just thought I'd check in to make sure American support is still there."
"Anything new going on?"
"No... well, we are thinking of executing a man for converting to Christianity, but nothing too new."
"Yeah, gotta watch those Christians. Nice talking to you." Bush hung up the phone, took a drink of water, and then suddenly sprayed it all over his desk. "Executed for being a Christian!" Bush shouted, "I'm a Christian!" Bush picked up the phone and dialed a number. "Is this the State Department?"
"I hear they are thinking of executing someone in Afghanistan for being a Christian; are you guys doing anything about it?"
"We are familiar with the case about Abdul Rahman, but have decided not to do anything since that's hard and stuff. You know, we really don't like confronting other countries; sometimes that makes them mad."
"You guys are useless!" Bush yelled.
"Pretty much; anyway, we're in the middle of a poker game, so I'll have to talk later." The State Department then hung up.
"I'll have to get someone who can do something," Bush vowed. He then picked up the phone once more. "Operator, get me Buck."
"Buck... the Marine!"
* * * *
Buck was resting in his base when he was told he had a phone call. "Hello? ...Yes, this is Buck... Buck the Marine, that is... Am I in Afghanistan now?" Buck looked around. "Well, there's lots of sand and Muslims around, but that seems like all the places I've been lately. Hey, when can I come back to America? ...No, Mr. President, no wars have been won by whining. I'm sorry. What do you want me to do? ...That's awful. Things really aren't accommodating here for Christians. It's quite hard to find a good church. I'll check on this Rahman person... Yes, I can try some diplomacy, but I'll have to look up what that word means first... Yes, I can share the definition with you when I look it up... No, I don't want to buy any ports. Anyway, I'll get to the mission."
* * * *
"Is it true you're a Christian?"
"I am! I follow Jesus Christ!" Rahman answered.
"What's wrong with Islam?" the inquisitor asked. "Don't you like the ‘not getting executed’ part of being a Muslim?"
"There's more to religion than not getting executed!" Rahman declared. "If Islam is so great, you wouldn't have to threaten people with death!"
"He continues to blaspheme Islam!" the inquisitor shouted. "We'll see how much you like your precious Jesus when you're chopped to little pieces!"
"Ain't no chopping going on!" Buck declared as he entered the room. "If you want to kill a Christian, then you try and kill me!"
"But you weren't first a Muslim!" the inquisitor stated.
Buck looked at Rahman suspiciously. "Why were you a Muslim?"
"I never got a Bible when I was younger, but now I have one," Rahman said, and held up his Bible.
"That looks like a Koran," Buck remarked.
"That's because it's in Arabic, fool!" the inquisitor said.
Buck looked confused. "You can put Bibles in Arabic now?"
"Enough of this!" the inquisitor shouted. "It is obvious that Rahman is an unapologetic Christian and has rejected the great prophet Mohammed! He must die!"
"You wait a second here," Buck declared. "I kill for'ners, and executing people for their religion is pretty foreign. You don't want to cross me!"
"And what will you do, infidel?"
* * * *
"A number of Afghans were beaten with an Arabic Bible by an unnamed Marine named Buck," said the news anchor. "The State Department says they don't plan on doing anything other than releasing a statement saying they don't plan on doing anything. We're still waiting for that statement."
Bush turned from the TV to look at Laura. "With all the problems in the world, how does one decide where to start?"
Laura patted Bush on the head. "I always start with dusting the cabinets."
Apparently Everyone Thinks Abortion Is Murder
People who support abortion do everything they can to not actually talk about the issue. The most popular is using the word "choice" instead of ever saying "abortion." Now, I see a lot of people charging that the only reason people are against abortion is because they want to control women (which allows them to just say, "Well, I don't need to debate them; they're just a bunch of women-haters."). Kevin Drum, a liberal who usually approaches issues with some intelligence, has decided to be a nimrod about abortion and taken this now popular stance.
So the question is, if abortions supporters do so much mental gymnastics to avoid talking about or debating abortion, is that because they feel it's murder and don't want to talk about it?
Carnival Of Comedy Reminder
On Thursday, March 23rd Steve The Pirate will be hosting Carnival of Comedy #47 at his self titled blog. It's always "talk like a pirate day" when Steve is around.. Even when he's not talking in the traditional pirate dialect, Steve's still talking like a pirate because he IS a pirate.
Future Carnival Schedule:
Want to host? Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org with "Host Carnival Of Comedy" as the subject.
March 21, 2006
American Idol 5 Top 11 (DVR-delayed liveblog)
Ryan's dressed up like he's going somewhere important, but Ryan, you're just gonna hear the Earsore sing, so big whoop.
Do I have to stress YET AGAIN that I don't like Kellie Pickler because she's a fake moron and CAN'T SING. Yes, I agree, she's hot. Big deal, so is Carrie Underwood, and I love her.
Oh wow, Taylor is wearing the suit that his dad wore to the prom many moons ago. Oh, the songs are from the '50s, that would explain it.
Simon thinks Taylor, Chris, and Kellie are going to be the top 3. That's what I read he said this weekend anyway. Lemme tell you, picking Kellie over Mandisa or Lisa or Katharine? Simon's finally had enough of Paula and stoled her vodka.
Ok, so Barry Manilow coached everyone, which is different from it being Barry Manilow songs night. So I'm ok with this.
IDOLS 01... Mandisa is singing Dinah Washington's "I Don't Hurt Anymore". She looks great, she sings great. It was a little rough at the end, but she faked it well. When she went off key, she just pretended she meant to do that. And that's what a star does. And she's a star. Even Simon loves her tonight. Uh-oh, he just called her sexy; she's soooo embarrassed by that. Good girl. I adore her. Mandiva, how cute. She's too nice to call a diva, though. That's a good thing.
IDOLS 02... Bucky is doing "Oh Boy" by Buddy Holly. His voice is still too quiet. Hair is good tonight. Still looks washed, but not curly. So he's using the Garnier Fructis conditioner but not the smoothing milk. This is boring, and he's still way too quiet. After the keychange, off-key a lot. He's definitely going to be on the bubble tonight. He really just sounds like he's trying to sing and not get heard. Simon's right, it didn't make an impression. :-(
I love HDTV. I mean, I can see allllllll of Paula's lipgloss. Really, I think on HD, they can see it in Paris.
IDOLS 03... Speaking of Paris, she's next. She's doing Peggy Lee's "Fever". Oh my goodness, what did they do to her hair? I love the dress. The earrings are all wrong. For such a classy and grownup dress, you want earrings that don't look like you made them. Shoes are great, they must be killing her. Ok, first half was extremely boring, hence the focus on the appearance. The second half was good, end was great.
IDOLS 04... When Ryan said Chris would be doing Johnny Cash, Frank and I both got excited. Anyway, he's singing "I Walk the LIne". Oooh, he's wearing black too. Eeeeee! He seems nervous, but this is great. We'd by that single. That was more exciting than Johnny Cash's version. Was that him covering someone's cover version of the song, or was it his original cover? I'm asking because I don't know, and if he came up with that, bravo. Bravo anyway.
IDOLS 05... Katharine is doing "Come Rain or Come Shine" of Ella Fitzgerald. You know, I love that she does rehearse-and-interview day in her sweats with little or no makeup. That was good. Her hair is gorgeous. I hate the dress, but she looks beautiful. For the record, she's way hotter than Kellie Pickler, and I don't hate her. I hate her song choices (usually). She was much better tonight than usual (should have left off the very last phrase if I'm being honest). I still think she can do more than she's doing, and I'm still hearing Ruben in the back of my mind. I think she's coming around, but really. Katharine, you know you can belt better than that. Please do so.
IDOLS 06... Taylor is doing Buddy Holly's "Not Fade Away". And he's wearing a hideous baby blue grey suit thingy. Cap'n Tightpants yet again (really, someone tell that kid to buy bigger pants!). First half of the song is boring. Really boring. Ok, if'n I'm being honest, that was his worst performance to date. His voice wasn't there. Oh help me, what is that face Paula is making. They really should let Simon speak, since he's the only judge who has anything useful to say.
Paula... she really just makes me tired. I loved Simon shushing her. That's how we discipline our dog. I'm not sure if it works on clap-happy seals, though. She really took the giggle juice tonight.
IDOLS 08... Scrappy Doo is singing "When I Fall in Love". Ok, I think he's trying to look mature? What's with the hand in the pocket? You know what's bad is that the big notes are decently on-key, while the other notes are sharp. Ok, except that one big note right near the end. That was definitely pitchy, Dawg. Ok, earlier, I was gonna bring up Jasmine and how Kellie is like her, but then I decided that would be mean. But now that they've shown her in the audience, I feel she's free game. Kellie is like Jasmine, except Jasmine was better. There, that's how awful Kellie is.
IDOLS 09... Elliott is next. Wait, how could someone who sings like Elliott not have liked Barry's music before meeting him? Silly boy. Anyway, it's good he's turned around. Say, did y'all know that Elliott and Kevin are both diabetic? It's amazing what you learn on the AI website. But lemme tell y'all, that website's not as funny as this one. Elliott's singing "Teach Me Tonight". You know, Elliott and Chris have the best voices of all the men in the contest, no question. The first part of the song was blah, but it picked up. Wasn't his best, but it was good. He has a song choice problem that he really needs to remedy.
[NUMBER STILL WITHHELD BECAUSE ETERNITY IS NOT YET OVER AND UNLIKE SIMON, I HAVEN'T LOST MY EVERLOVING MIND]... Next up, Kellie Pickler is going straight to hell, because she's going to butcher Patsy Cline. Good mama, help me not faint, who in the world has never heard "Walking After Midnight" by Patsy Cline? Were you under a rock for all of the second half of the last century, Barry? It's only slightly less well-known than "Crazy". "Because she's so young, Kellie had to be reminded what the song is about." Translation: "Kellie's an idiot." Well, she looks good anyway. I'm sure that in somebody's world, that equates to vocal talent. And oh yes, soooo many innocent country girls dance like that. Hell. Straight to hell. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.
This show has become a nightmare. A trainwreck. I have lost all respect for Simon. Why don't they just kill Chloe while they're at it.
IDOLS 11... Ace is going to do "In the Still of the Night". My soul already hurts after Earsore, I'm not sure I can bear it. Well whaddaya know. Miracles happen. Ace didn't suck. That was actually great. He only did the falsetto for the one big note right at the end. I'm in shock, that was great. I have to give props. A couple of out of tune notes, but I mean, I'm just so shocked that he didn't suck that I might vote for him.
I think Bucky has a big enough following, Taylor's not going home, and some tone-deaf folks like Kellie, so I predict Lisa goes home. I wanna hear about your pickled suntan.
UPDATE: LOL, I left out Scrappy Doo. Lemme just add him...
I Need to Listen More to the Voices in My Head
A kat wrote this comment to today's post War Within Reason:
you are an idiot. you only listen to what people tell you, (but of course only if you want to be in "their club") do some independent research
"you only listen to what people tell you" - that's an interesting insult. Maybe I should do more spying - listening to what people tell others - but isn't that what got Bush in trouble?
Nothing gets between me and my Al Quds... well, except for a kilo of C-4
As comfortable as my Storytelling Pants are, apparently Muslims need a special pair of Islam Jeans to be comfy while praying now:
A new line of jeans designed by a small company in northern Italy caters to Muslims seeking to stay comfortable while they pray.
So what slogan will they use to market the Al Quds jeans?
What do you think?
War Within Reason
In Bush's press conference today, crazy-crazy Helen Thomas asked why we went to war. Has everyone really forgot the reasons for the Iraq war already? In case you did, here they are:
THE REASONS FOR THE WAR IN IRAQ
* We suspected Saddam had WMDs, and were as disappointed as everyone else when we found out he was just talking big.
* Iraq has conspired with terrorist organizations, and, frankly, we don't like those. No, sir, we don't like them one bit.
* Couldn't stand Saddam and just couldn't wait to chase out of his fancy-smancy palaces into a hole in the ground.
* The Iraqi people - at least those not trying to blow us up - want freedom... if they know what's good for them! :: shakes fist ::
* Iraq is right next to Syria and Iran, and everyone knows they're our real targets.
And, of course, the main reason for war...
Oiiiiiiiiil! Hey, if Halliburton wants a war, then Halliburton gets a war, foo'.
Now that we went back over the reasons for war, let's get back to winning it.
Communism Is So Last Century
North Korea is now threatening us pre-emptive strike capability with their nuclear weapons. When are those people going to get it through their poofy hair that we just don't care? We don't find them threatening at all. With all the other things we have to worry about, why would North Korea think we care about their nuke threats?
Convert to Islam, then call us back.
Be careful what you wish (and kill Jews) for...
I always figured it would be a state of chaos or a state of confusion, but a state of alert over bird flu is good enough for me.
The Palestinian health service was placed on a state of alert in the wake of the outbreak of bird flu in Israel, prime minister Ahmed Qorei announced.
Well, they wanted a state of their own, right? Now, after years of bloodshed and turning their kids into maniac deathcultist, they've finally got one.
Just be careful folding up that Road Map, guys. I hear it's soaked with the same Zionist Mystery Poison that killed Arafat.
Now turn your head, Abdul, and cough. Oh, and try not to explode.
March 20, 2006
24 Day 5 - 8:00 p.m.
Previously on 24, I swore I'd be through with the show if Tony's dead for real. Mikey died saving the Goondocks. President Logan was a wuss. DHS decided to take over CTU and fire everyone, which will happen in this episode or something. I don't care anymore.
Tonight, graphic violence. Unfortunately, this season, that tends to mean that one of our favorite characters gets offed very unceremoniously. So boo to graphic violence. I no longer heart the graphic violence warning.
So. 8 p.m. Tony's dead for real. I'm sooo done with this show. Done for good.
Not going to watch it.
Nor blog it.
Can't. Stop. Bad. Addiction. Hate. Surnow. Angry. SarahK. Must. Stop...
Can't stop. Blame it on husband, he won't let me. And fingers, they just keep typing.
Anyway, Curtis is prepping the tactical teams, and Jack's pretending the horrible writers on this show didn't kill Tony.
Marty is trying to convince President Estrogen that the Veep is calculating to steal the nomination from Estro by suggesting this curfew thing. And that martial law and curfew would kill Logan politically. Estro is not listening, because he's a moron.
The new guy from DHS says hi to Chloe. She says, "Who are you?" "DHS." "I asked your name, not who you work for." Now he is telling Chloe that Edgar's dead, and he'll just use Deadgar's station. He asks for Chloe's keycard, and she says, "No! You can't have my keycard! That's what got this whole dead thing started, missing keycards! You're an idiot!" She has to give up the keycard anyway. I'll bet Chloe's the next to get killed, followed by Aaron, then Curtis. Might as well kill Jack while they're at it, too. But who gets to live while Palmer, Michelle, Tony, and Deadgar are dead? Audrey. Yeah, there's some justice.
Wayne Palmer calls Aaron and tells him that he has info for Aaron from David Palmer. "But dude, he's on another show now, how can he give me info? And there's a curfew!" Wayne says, "But yo, I left before the curfew, so it's ok that I'm out so late. Plus, my mom knows where I am. She says it's ok."
The half-neckid girl who looks like a man (Colette?) is putting on very uncomfortable boots that you know she's gonna break an ankle running in. I hope she breaks her face too.
Bill confronts the DHS lady (who also looks like a man) and tells her she's a liar and he knows she's there to shut down CTU and fire all his people. She says, "Yeah, but can you like, not tell anyone? Because that would really make people hostile. Especially that Chloe chick, I'm sure she's never hostile, but her psych profile says she could get there quick." And Bill says, "Why don't you go ask her to have chamomile tea? I'm sure she'd like that. Y'all can talk about Deadgar and Chloe's love for Jack."
Curtis and Jack and the tac team are at the half-neckid-man-girl's apartment. Her boyfriend freaks out and points a gun at Curtis. Turns out he's German intelligence and has been working on man-girl for info. She doesn't give that info to her booty call. Booty-Call's not going to give up his thing with Man-Girl, because she's connected to lots of terrorist cells and he really needs to track her and stuff. Jack ends up taking Booty-Call with him and offers to trade Colette in exchange for the U.S.'s wet list (if that's the real name of the list of terror suspects, whoever thought that up should be severely reprimanded).
Man-girl is meeting with He Who Killed Tony, Robocop.
Jack calls Chloe for the wet list, and she throws coffee on the guy working in Deadgar's spot so she can use his system to get the info. Jack gives the list to Booty-Call but asks for it it back until they can get Man-Girl into custody.
Jack and Booty-Call have a nice chat about dating women in the field.
DHS PowerHungryChick is furious that Chloe gave Jack the wet list. It must be super-wet, because everyone is Freaked Out!! DHSPHC calls Jack and says, "No you can't do it!" and Jack says, "Got's ta look out for my peeps in L.A. right now!" "But you'll jeopardize years of work and risk our agents! I'll tell on you and yell at you and kill you!" "Yeah, yeah, I'm already dead!"
So they bust Man-Girl, and when Booty-Call gets down the road with the wet list, it turns out that the wetness of the list fries the Sprint Treo when Booty-Call puts the card in. So Jack was smarter than DHSPHC gave him credit for.
BTW, Sean Callery this episode - fantastic job. I'm totally vibing with the music.
Interesting, Wayne got through the roadblock to the presidential compound, but apparently so did some super-bad guys who just flipped his car off the road and are trying to kill him. They work for... the Veep, maybe? Mike Novick?
So DHSPHC (whose name I am changing to Mr. F) says to Jack: "This immunity for Man-Girl, I don't like it!" Jack: "I don't like you!" So then when Jack tells Mr. F that he set the chip to self-destruct, she's like, "What? Durrr, like, why didn't you say so before? Durrrr." Jack says, "Well, Mr. F, I was in the car with Booty-Call, and I figured that wasn't info that I wanted to give him."
So Mr. F says ok on the immunity and gets Mike Novick to sign off on it, and Man-Girl tells Jack that her source on the schematic was someone at DOD named Audrey Raines. !!! So... WOMAN SCORNED! Did I mention the woman scorned thing before? And if this is true, it means I'm totally right about Chloe getting offed this season. It'll come down between saving Chloe and getting info from Audrey, and Jack will have to sacrifice Chloe. You watch. And if I'm wrong, well, the writers killed Tony (allegedly - I mean, really, why keep him around in a deep sleep for so many episodes just so he can get offed when he wakes up? That's just stupid.)
Next week on 24, they look for Robocop some more, there are canisters, Jack threatens Man-Girl that if she's lying he's gonna make this the worst day of her life. Jack's gonna call William Devane up and ask, "Hey, what'd you do to your kids when you raised them? Why'd they both turn out to be stupid and in bed with terrorists?" Robocop is going to ask if Wayne is dead yet, and they make it look like Aaron's searching for Wayne to kill him, and Wayne's got him under the gun, but really it'll all just be a big misunderstanding. And when Jack throws Audrey up against the wall and starts strangling her, Audrey will say, "Jack... We need to talk about our relationship... If you'd just talked to me about our relationship when you were dead, I wouldn't have done anything like this. But you told Chloe and not me, and I'm telling my dad if you hit me!"
Actually, it'll probably be a big copout fakeout. Someone else is using Audrey's name, blah blah blah. Who cares, anyway? Everyone else is dead, and Audrey lives. That's the true crime.
New Offensive Religious Cartoon Challenge!
With the controversy over the South Park Scientology episode (said episode can be found here and actually isn't that vulgar for a South Park), wouldn't it be a lot more fun to challenge cartoonists to depict the evil alien warlord Xenu than boring old Mohammed (here's a still of the South Park depiction)? While that most likely won't get you targeted for a beheading, it's not unlikely you'll get sued.
I'll have my own drawing up later this week.
BTW, I though it was hilarious how at the end the South Park episode, Tom Cruise yells, "I'll sue you in England!" and then that's what he did in real life (they can't show the episode there).
The Code of the Da Vinci Code: A Thriller
The Code of the Da Vinci Code
Dr. R.W. Duck, a world renowned expert in the field of blogology, is about to have his world turned upside down, sideways, and upside down again: meaning everything will turn rightside up but still end up sideways. When an investigator turns up asking him to solve a riddle that will decimate millions of devout atheists: Did Dan Brown steal the ideas for the Da Vinci Code from another couple of whack jobs - or were the theories his own? This fast paced thriller will thrill you right down to your thrilling genes, which if you're young you probably wear down around your hips with your underwear showing. Read the Code of the Da Vinci Code and you'll experience a thriller the likes of which you haven't seen since Frank J. And Sarah K. let their new sixty pound dog loose in a cage with two baby kittens.
Read what the blog critics are saying about the Code of the Da Vinci Code.
"Shut up and post something already!" Frank J.
"Does it have a scene with lap dancing? Every thriller needs lap dancing." Harvey
"No Lap dancing. This is a family website. At least - most of the time it's a family website." Sarah K.
"Whatchu all guys talking about?" Spacemonkey.
"Shut up and post something, Spacemonkey." Frank J. again.
Chapter 1: The First Chapter
Dr. Duck opened his email to read the important questions that haunted readers of the IMAO website. He slammed at the keyboard in frustration. "Why do people keep asking me about hippies? Or the French? The Dr. Duck advice column could help millions if only they would ask the right questions." He looked up at his office wall to once again admire the plaque sent to him by a local animal rights organization: an award for his recent post – Hunting Baby Seals the FAQ. The plaque read "Rot In Hell You Bastard."
Dr. Duck was comforted to know that, sometimes, he really did make a difference. He thought about this and realized that the readers did not know what he looked like. If only there was something to cast a reflection. This way he could use that as a cheap writing tool to describe himself.
Unfortunately, Dr. Duck lived in California where they had passed the Religious Sensitivity Bill. This provided protection for all religions except Christianity - that would be a violation of the separation of Church and State. The building management had removed all mirrors at the first complaint from the First Church of Ugly people. These people couldn't stand seeing who they really were. And thus had special legislation put in place that forbade mirrors and cartoons acting as mirrors.
He looked at his refreshing beverage on his desk. Beer. Beer had a reflection. Thus he could look in and describe himself and pretend he was a real writer. Beer. Unfortunately he drank it. He tried it again. He drank it again. And again. Eventually he passed out.
Later, he was startled awake by a knock on his office door. It was a beautiful lady with lovely blue eyes. She didn't look scared, which is the way women normally look around Dr. Duck. "Hello Dr. Duck, we need your help solving a problem. Have you heard about Dan Brown and how he may have stolen the plot for his book from some other writers?”
“Heard about it. Seems pretty open and shut. Dan even named one of the characters based on the first book. This case would take 30 seconds to solve.”
“We’ll pay you $500 a day to investigate this case.”
“Like I said, 30 seconds if you’re sloppy. If you’re me – then it could take days, weeks, months. $500 a day you said?"
She tossed a brown envelope on his desk. When he opened it, what slipped out was the most gruesome and violent thing he had ever seen.
Tune in later this week for more.....
The new Dr. Who series appeared on SciFi this weekend and...
Well, it's not exactly new considering that not only has it been on BBC for almost a year, but diehard fans could easily get bitorrent bootleg copies to view not only this episode, but the season in its entirety.
What always amused me about Dr. Who is the fact that the TARDIS appears as a police box in order to blend in, but it can't change from that shape because of a blown chameleon circuit.
If you were making an Americanized Dr. Who, would it appear as a Starbucks or a Portapottie?
We Need Some Sort of Law to Shut Up Those People Complaining About Their Speech Being Opressed
An Editorial by Frank J.
Running a fascist state is harder than you think; in fact, most fascist states fail within the first decade. That's why I feel it important to point out obvious failings of the new fascist America to help keep it healthy and oppressive. The most blatant (and loud) problem right now is the improper silencing of dissenters.
Honestly, my only experience with fascism is voting for Bush twice, but here is what I've observed. Obviously, speech is being oppressed, because we are constantly (and annoyingly) being told by liberals that their rights are being taken away and that dissent is being treated as treason. That might seem like a good start, but the problem is that people shouldn't explicitly be able to say that they're being oppressed. Everyone should know that already, and any who complains about it should be jailed or rounded up into camps for speaking out against the state. It's really a huge rookie fascist state mistake not to do that. While curtailing civil liberties is a must, it is also crucial to quiet those who complain about that.
" If I were a BusHitler, I'd disappear a few dissenters without admitting to it publicly."
I know, you're probably wondering, "If we quiet everyone who complains about out fascist evil, how will anyone know what's being oppressed and thus what not to do?" That's a good question. If I were a BusHitler, I'd disappear a few dissenters without admitting to it publicly. Then, people will whisper about it and be scared. Yes, you could be more explicit about it, but, not admitting to your oppressive actions makes your state that much more mysterious and feared. If people aren't sure what evil oppression you are doing, it makes them that much more likely to fall into line since they can't even comprehend the menace they are up against. That's some strong fascism right there.
The other question comes up is whether dissenters should be jailed or put into reeducation camps. In some ways, that's more a budgetary concern because camps can be more costly that just throwing someone in a dank hole and feeding him bread and water once a day. It's best to judge that on a person by person basis, though. For instance, you may really want to throw Cindy Sheehan in a dank hole, but since she's already so public, reeducation might work better. Actually, looking at Cindy's mental acuity, all I think it would take is a lunch break to brainwash her into saying how much she loves her son's sacrifice - and you'd still probably have time to finish off a tuna fish sandwich before going back out to crack the skulls of those who don't love The Government.
Don't forget to shutdown websites critical of The Government as well. Again, here is a good place to instill some fear. First, take down The Democratic Underground and DailyKos, putting up some blatant lies that they failed to pay to renew their URLs and have been bought by The Government. Also, make sure to disappear anyone involved with those sites you can hunt down. This will be a very conspicuous taking out of those who speak ill of the new fascism while denying anything was done. Again, this will cause more fear to shut up the rest.
Yes, fascism is hard, but I think I outlined a few simple steps to make things easier. And, though this itself could be seen as criticizing The Government, please don't secretly arrest me. Then again, you have to start somewhere.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is a frequent contributor to IMAOPodcast.com. He is also the author of such books as "Patriotism for Dummies" and "I Unconditionally Love Our Government and You Should Too (If You Know What's Good for You)".
McCain Is Not Funny
I meant to post this earlier, but John Hawkins had his conservative case against McCain.
Me, the issue is much simpler: I just can't imagine a series on In My Worlds™ starring him.
Also, like spacemonkey, I've never forgiven McCain for killing McAbel.
OT, Hawkins has his review of V for Vendetta up, a film I was a bit curious about.
Informal Impeachment Poll
There is more talk of impeaching Bush lately. I'd like everyone to say whether they are for the impeachment of George W. Bush in the comments, but please first read the pros and cons on the subject:
So, what do you think?
March 19, 2006
March 18, 2006
Everything You've Always Wanted to Know About Instapundit, But Were Too Afraid to Ask
Sure, you know about the puppy blending, hobo-murdering, Satan-worshipping, commie praising, robot dancing, Frank J. punching, and penguin porn, but here are some things you DIDN'T know about Glenn Reynolds:
* Glenn Reynolds can crash you server just by thinking about linking to you.
* Glenn Reynolds writes Garfield fan-strips, all of which end with Odie getting stuffed into a blender.
* They're STILL less predictable than the ones Jim Davis writes.
* You know that asteroid belt between Mars & Jupiter? That used to be a planet until Glenn Reynolds thought about linking to it.
* The KKK was completely harmless until Glenn Reynolds suggested that they put eye-holes in their hoods.
* Spammers originally got the idea for sending out a million e-mails per day by watching Glenn Reynolds post at Instapundit.
* It was Glenn Reynolds who first said to William Hung - "You've got talent. Go audition for American Idol."
* Satan's biggest fear is that he'll have to spend eternity with Glenn Reynolds after he dies.
* Glenn Reynolds' glasses are the only thing keeping his laser vision from incinerating the universe.
* Glenn Reynolds once deflected a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick by thinking about linking to it.
* Glenn Reynolds murdered Socrates by telling him his cup of hemlock was actually a Starbucks Iced White Chocolate Macchiato
* Nuclear bombs fear Glenn Reynolds going off on them.
* There's more than one way to skin a cat, and they were all discovered by Glenn Reynolds.
* Glenn Reynolds is the leader of the terrorist group Hehmas.
* One drop of Glenn Reynolds' bath water contains enough residual evil to de-sanctify Vatican City.
* Puppy blood is the secret ingredient in Insta-Cola.
* When CNN interviews Glenn Reynolds, they have to put special filters on the camera lenses, lest TV viewers be turned to stone.
* As for the fate of the audience in the studio... now you know where garden gnomes come from.
* Glenn Reynolds' remote control only has one button. When he presses it, his TV automatically tunes to the evilest show available.
* Usually "Full House".
* Glenn Reynolds' printer is a Hewlett-Packed BloodJet model 900.
* Spelling "Glenn Reynolds" on a Scrabble board will summon the demon Atazoth who - legends say - will exact retribution on the Overworld by getting Hillary elected in '08.
* Google recently changed their motto to "Don't be Glenn Reynolds".
* Glenn Reynolds personally hand-stitched Janet Jackson's Superbowl outfit.
* The blind leading the blind isn't so bad... Glenn Reynolds likes leading them into traffic during rush hour.
* In Glenn Reynolds' DVD collection, "Schindler's List" is filed under "Comedy", right between "Saw 2" and "Scream".
* Glenn Reynolds taught Senator Palpatine how to do that fingertip-lightning thing.
* The Lemarchand Box in "Hellraiser" is a device used by Cenobites to summon Glenn Reynolds.
* Glenn Reynolds never thought about linking to Martha Stewart, but he DID send her an e-mail on December 26, 2001, that was completly blank except for the word "Sell".
* Glenn Reynolds introduced Bill to Monica.
* Good things come to those who wait - unless Glenn Reynolds steals them first.
* Glenn Reynolds never actually punched Frank J. - he got Frank J. to punch himself by thinking about linking to him.
I wonder what would happen if I spelled "Frank J." on a Scrabble board...
IMAO: PRESS RELEASE: IMAO Is Still a Group Blog
Remember this post?
1 Year, 1 Month, 1 Day and a few hours later and we are still going strong. Yeah, it has been THAT long since IMAO became a group blog. Am I the only one to notice?
What a year and change it has been. Frank and Sarah got married, Ducky's got a new baby, we started podcasting, and a whole lot of other stuff, funny stuff, happened too.
What was your favorite thing that happened here during the past year, month, day and few hours?
March 17, 2006
News Flash: Huffington Post to Offer Wider Range of Services
In a move to increase the scope of her services, Arianna Huffington proudly announced her new blog writing service available at the Huffington Post.
"We feel that most celebrities today don't have the time to sit down and write out the actual words of what they think. If these people wanted to project caring and sincerity, they'd hire professional screenwriters. So we've created a service where today's Important Person can communicate effectively without having to do anything."
Arianna was encouraged to take this step when she witnessed the incredible appreciation voiced by readers when they read the completely factual and untainted post by actor George Clooney called "I'm Liberal and Ariannia is so sexy"
Said Arianna, "We are reaching the point where we need to reach beyond the (CBS) standard of Fake But Accurate and reach into the realm of I'm Sure This is What They Would Want.
Upcoming celebrity posts and titles include:
Angelina Jolie: Adopt these little children because Bush will otherwise orphan them again.
Brad Pitt: Angelina is almost as hot as Arianna.
and of course...
Jennifer Aniston: Stop looking at Arianna!!
Showing support for this new addition was veteran talk show host Bill Maher. "Arianna has shown the kind of sincerity and bravery the likes of which are rarely seen. In fact, I haven't seen this kind of courage since those hijackers rammed those airplanes into the twin towers."
Also today, in appreciation of St. Patricks' Day, The Huffington Post will feature an extensive articulation of Bush war crimes as wrtten by an actual, bona fide Leprechaun.
Since it's Friday, I thought I'd spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka "I-MEOW").
Sure, some of the IMAO bloggers have cats, but apparently I'm the only one of them brave enough to Friday Catblog. Maybe they're worried that they'll get fleas. Well, more fleas than usual. (e.d.: we need to fleadip Ducky again)
Anyway, today being St. Patrick's Day, it's time for Edloe O'Grumpus:
If you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Edloe is... um...
Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.
March 16, 2006
Carnival Of Comedy is UP at Ben's Rants and Raves.
What, me worry?
The RNC named a new head today, Alfred E. Neuman. His first order of business was to endorse formation of a "non-partisan" committee to bring a "fresh perspective" on U.S. policy in Iraq. Let me tell you, I am 100% behind this decision. Remember how great that "non-partisan" 911 panel turned out? Or how great the appointment of an inpendent prosecutor to investigate the Valerie Plame matter (despite the fact it was obvious no crime had been committed) turned out? Or how great the Spineless 7 defection worked out for judicial confirmations (heard about any of those recently?). I'm sure the "non-partisan" Democrats on the panel won't take the opportunity to grandstand all summer long on national television about President Bush's job performance in Iraq. Every time I see Leon Panetta on the talk circuit, I always think to myself--"Wow, what a great non-partisan leftist. His sense of perspective and fairness inspires me." And who better to help form foreign policy than former career politicians who have not been in the security loop for years. I'm sure this won't just become one big 2006 election ad for the DNC, and I'm sure James Baker and Alan Simpson will fight hard to support the President (between cat naps and adult diaper changes anyway). Wonderful plan. Just wonderful. I think Mr. Neuman's second order of business should be to freshen up our party's slogan. Maybe instead of G.O.P., we could change it to S.O.S. for Stuck on Stupid.
Killing Baby Seals. FAQ
Very soon, Canada will allow thousands of baby seals to be hunted down and killed. Singer and activist Sir Paul McCartney, is working to draw attention to this situation. We here at IMAO aren’t just about writing tasteless jokes, unbalanced viewpoints, and cheap thrills: We also do a podcast.
There’s a very important reason (beyond recreation) why the Canadian government allows the thinning of these herds. If left to their own devices (and seals do indeed have devices hidden somewhere) these seals would grow at such an alarming rate that eventually, you’d have to face the most dreaded of all realities – redrawing voting districts.
With that said, IMAO presents the ultimate Baby Seal Killing FAQ
Is it wrong to kill a baby seal?
No, I mean morally. Is it wrong?
I would feel bad whacking these seals repeatedly until they died.
No. That moral thing again.
Why kill them?
Is there any hope for these little Canadian seals?
Then what happens?
After I went on the seal hunt last year – I think I felt guilty. What should I do?
You told me that last year – and they ended up confusing me for a seal.
Oh yeah. We thought you looked familiiar. Anyway -Who wears seal fur to a seal bashing? That is sooo Last Years Republican Convention. But it does bring up a point – Safety. Be careful you’re not bashing another human being. That would be wrong. The correct noises to listen for are:
You might be hitting the wrong creature if you hear things like,
Can you cook seal?
What do you do with a seal once you kill it?
What’s the silliest thing you ever heard done with a Canadian Seal?
Are there any other advantages to killing these baby seals?
What would it take to make seal bashing a legitimate Olympic sport?
How could we make Bryant happy?
You talked me into it. I’d like to go up to Canada and take a Seal Beating Vacation? How do I set up a tour?
How do I know the tour operator isn’t some crazed activist that’s going to hijack me?
Would it stop the killing if Hollywood made more films about this?
Yes, we are awful. That's why you can't stop coming back again and again.
Links of The Day
Photoshop/Caption contest at GOP and College - Senator Debbie Stabenow (D-MI) standing next to a sign that says "DANGEROUSLY INCOMPETENT". As a courtesy to those who wish to photoshop a new message, I've created a copy of image with the board already blanked out, which you can download from here.
Meanwhile, The Right Place Blog provides compelling evidence that Bush might actually BE Hitler.
Who lights up my life?
You know that song "You Light Up My Life" by Debbie Boone?
I used to think it was about Jimmy Carter.
Yeah, now know it's about God, thanks to The Simpsons. But I used to think it was about Jimmy Carter.
I was really good at math when I was little, right around the time that Debbie Boone was singing this song I thought was about Jimmy Carter. And despite doing the mathetmatical substitution of "Jimmy Carter" for "You" I still didn't see any problems with the song:
So many nights I sit by my window
Jimmy Carter lights up my life
Rollin' at sea, adrift on the water
Jimmy Carter lights up my life
Jimmy Carter lights up my life
It can't be wrong
Oh, sure, it sounds so very wrong now, but I was young and foolish then. (Yeah yeah yeah... let's just complete the TMBG verse: "I feel old and foolish now") Maybe Jimmy Carter gave hope to crazy people like Debbie Boone, but I didn't know Debbie Boone well enough to think she was crazy or not. To think that Jimmy Carter lit up people's day is also silly, considering that he was in favor of energy conservation. If anything, you turn off the lights during the day if you're trying to waste less electricity.
But the thought of "Jimmy Carter filling my nights with song" should have been a clue, even to an ignorant and deranged seven year-old.
Nightmares of Soviet conquest of free democracies, Jimmy weakly tossing out symbolic gestures like boycotting the Moscow Olympics when stronger measures were needed, possibly. Waking up in cold sweats over the Presidential Fitness Tests, most certainly. But never song.
Frank and Texas Family Law
A quick note on Frank: He's sick today. I've got a sick husband and a sick puppy, but who's the one going to the doctor today? Me. Anyway, Frank probably won't be blogging much.
And thanks for all your help re: Texas family law. No, it is not about me and Frank, all you snarkers! Some of my family needs help. I'm still going through the emails, because for some reason, i didn't get any email yesterday to my sarahk.us and mountaineermusings.com addresses. Thanks again.
March 15, 2006
Melvin, tell me something nice.
When I read news of child-molesting Internet porn live streaming video busts by law enforcement, I just want to vomit at the depths to which humanity can sink. My faith in the power of technology to extend man's reach beyond his grasp is slammed to the ground and stomped on.
U.S. and Canadian authorities said on Wednesday they had cracked an international child pornography network that in some cases transmitted molestations live over the Internet.
The Mainstream Media (MSM) wants us to believe that everything about the Internet is evil, bad, awful, perverted, and disgusting. It's just a gigantic high-speed digital sewer rushing filth from pervert to pervert along with the occasional gigabyte of music stolen from poor and starving musicians (that are signed with the record label which is owned by a subsidiary of the same mega-corporation which owns that newspaper or magazine decrying all this shameful activity).
Then, despite all this horror and ugliness, I realize that the Internet can be a good thing when you think about it. After all, the fact that it's so easy to set up these disgusting and insane streaming filth websites means that it's also as easy to track them, arrange a warrant to grab server logs, and round these vile creatures up for arrest and incarceration. In the past, these scum would be doing the stuff themselves in clubs or tape-swap meets or whatever. Now, with technology, they think they're safe, but they're really making it easier to bust their hideous asses.
Still, with this all in mind, I need a little reminding that the Internet has some decent sites out there. Just like when Helen Hunt told Jack Nicholson "Tell me something nice" at the restaurant, I need to tell myself something nice about the Internet right than and there, to just peg a reminder that it isn't all noise and muck. Things that archive man's achievements and history and knowledge and such. Smithsonian Institution types of sites, places that are inherently and completely yuck-free.
What sites do you think of as bastions of humanity's greatness or attics of the best of what our species has manages to produce despite the ease and temptation to descend into futile, disgusting perversion for profit and sin?
I Can't Help It - AI Top 12 results show
Wow, so down between Ace (who sucked last night) and Kevin (who sucks always), Ace is in the bottom 3, and Kevin is safe. So there IS hope for Kellie to go home. Of course, Ace and Kevin should both be in the bottom 3.
Let me just note: All you people saying that I don't like Kellie because Frank might think she's hot -- first of all, he (obviously) likes more cushion on his women. Second of all, he is laughing his pinkytoe off right along with me and makes fun of her almost as much as I, and he also grimaced just now when they said that fake idiot was safe.
So between Elliott and Melissa, not a big shock that Melissa's in the bottom three.
More surprising to a lot of people but really not that surprising to me is that between Lisa and Bucky, Lisa's in the bottom 3. I expected Kellie (after that wretched excuse for singing she put on last night), Bucky, and Melissa to be in the bottom 3. This is a pretty good bottom 3, though.
And Melissa is going home. Not a big shock. I guess I didn't pray hard enough. Everyone pray for Kellie!
Bush's New Advisors
[Caution - the second to last link in this post is rated NC17]
Hollywood asshats like George Clooney are full of bad advice when it comes to hunting down terrorists - usually it boils down to something like "Just ignore them and they'll go away... Unless they don't... in which case it's Bush's fault for not connecting the dots."
Now, I'm sure President Bush isn't actually listening to George Clooney, but he's getting bad advice from SOMEWHERE, because the terrorist body count is still under seven figures, there are no internment camps for either Muslims OR hippies, and Michael Moore has yet to be thrown into a crocodile pit.
As a courtesy to our Commander-in-Chief, I assembled a focus group to give advice on how to win the War on Terror. The executive summary follows:
Frank J. - "Nuke the moon."
Darth Vader - "Strangle annoying underlings to maintain discipline in the ranks. There's no reason why that jellyfish Colin Powell should've left the State Department alive."
Dick Cheney - "Aim for the face."
Donald Rumsfeld - "Hey! Vader stole my advice!"
Ann Coulter - "Invade their countries, kill their leaders, and convert them to Christianity."
Gandalf - "More Hobbits"
Michael Jackson - "Give the terrorists a little Jesus Juice, and they'll be ripe for the picking."
Jeffrey Dahmer - "Beat 'em with a mallet for a while, otherwise they'll be too tough and stringy."
Laura Roslin - "Throw 'em out the airlock."
Harry Potter - "I'm a pansy. Let Hermione handle it."
C3P0 - "I suggest a new strategy. Let the Wookie win."
Barney the Dinosaur - "Lots of hugs!... and explosives!"
John Cleese - "Wait... are these terrorists armed with bananas or raspberries?"
If anyone else has conducted a focus group recently, feel free to share excerpts from your executive summaries in the comments.
In My World: Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones, But Censure Will Never Hurt Me
"What's Senator Feingold up to?" President Bush asked Condoleezza Rice.
"He asking the Senate to censure you."
"Oh no!" Bush exclaimed as he covered his groin.
Condi rolled her eyes. "Do you know what 'censure' means?"
Bush was silent for a moment. "Well, do you?"
"What censure means is that the Senate will publicly berate you." Bush stared at Condi blankly. "Say you are bad, that is," Condi added.
"What I do bad?" Bush asked. "Did I say 'nuclear' wrong again?"
"You always say it wrong, but the censure is because Feingold says your wiretapping of Al Qaeda suspects is illegal."
Bush snapped a pencil in anger. "He's illegal! Who elects these whiny losers that are the Democrats anyway? I can't imagine any self-respecting man voting for these eunuchs who worry so much about the poor terrorists getting wire-tapped. The men who vote for them must be gay... and I mean really really gay." Bush perked up for a second. "Hey, maybe we could use that as a campaign slogan this year!"
Condi sighed. "Why don't you run it by Karl Rove."
"I need to go to the Senate and stop this," Bush said and started to head out of the White House. He then stopped. "Where does the Senate meet again?"
"The Capitol Building."
"Is that the tall pointy one?"
"That's the Washington Monument."
"Uh... the one with the giant stone man?"
"That's the Lincoln Memorial."
"Then is it the flat, watery one?"
"That's the reflection pool between the Washington Monument and the Lincoln Memorial."
Bush thought for a moment. "It's not the place with the dinosaur bones is it, because those big zombie lizards scare me?"
"You want the big building with the dome, Mr. President."
"Thanks, Condi!" Bush said as he began to leave again. "To the big building with the dome!"
* * * *
"I want you to stop this censuring!" Bush demanded to Senator Frist.
"It doesn't have a chance of passing," Frist said. "I'm trying to force a vote on it to embarrass the Democrats, but they're not letting me."
Bush slapped Frist. "That doesn't sound like someone with Presidential ambitions to me. If you want it, make it happen!"
Frist thought for a moment. "There is one thing I can do..."
Frist marched over to Senator Reid. "I demand a vote on the censure."
"Well, we all need more time to read the language and..."
"You will vote now!" Frist shouted. "I invoke the ancient Senatorial right of Kal-if-tor!"
Reid stood up straight. "You do not dare!"
"I dare!" Frist produced two curved blades and tossed one to Reid. "Whoever’s blood is spilt first, must cede!"
"So be it, fool! Aiaiaiaiai!" Reid shrieked as he charged Frist, swinging his weapon wildly. The blades clashed and sparks flew. They continued clashing for a couple minutes, destroying desks with missed swings as the rest of the Senate chanted, "Kal-if-tor! Kal-if-tor! Kal-if-tor!" Finally, Frist connected with a devastating slice, and Reid fell to the ground, blood spraying everywhere.
"Your power and your vote are mine!" Frist spat down at Reid. He then raised his blade in victory. "The vote on censure will commence!"
"But I need more time to..." Senator Feingold started to say, but was silenced when Frist punched him in the face.
"Quiet! Kal-if-tor says we vote now!"
"If we vote for censure, we could look bad on national security," the Democrats whispered among themselves.
Soon, the vote was over. "One votes yea; ninety-nine vote nay," Frist announced, "Censure is defeated!"
"I demand vengeance!" Bush shouted, pointing at Feingold. "He is a dingus, and he must pay for his dingussery!"
"Then I propose that Feingold will be beaten with sticks for the high crime of being a dingus," Frist told the Senate. He then raised his blade in the air again. "We vote now!"
"If we don't vote to have Feingold beaten with sticks, we could look bad on national security," the Democrats whispered among themselves.
Soon, the vote was over. "Ninety-nine vote yea; one votes nay," Frist announced, "Feingold will be beaten with sticks!"
The Senators all grabbed their beating sticks and descended upon the shrieking and crying Feingold and began to pummel him. Bush found a table leg and tried to join, but Frist stopped him. "Haven't you read the Constitution?" Frist asked.
"I tried once, but it was boring."
"Only Senators may join in a Senatorial stick beating. You are allowed to stand back and cheer us on, though."
"Okay." Bush started jumping and yelling, "Kill! Kill! Kill!" He then paused for a moment. "I wonder why my poll numbers aren't higher? I sure like me!"
Here's a big bleg: if anyone reading this knows family law or someone who does, could you please e-mail both me and my wife (email@example.com and firstname.lastname@example.org).
Uh... in other news, I should have an In My World™ up later today. ::grins sheepishly::
UPDATE: Since it is state specific, it's Texas family law that's the concern.
Pat Robertson Should Apologize!!!
Pat Robertson recently caused a stir when he claimed that radical Muslims could be considered Satanic. Of course, the comparison of Islam to Satan worship caused a stir among decent, hard working Americans who strive every day to live their best lives , be good people, and worship the devil.
Don’t get me wrong. After having watched the recent rioting over the Danish cartoons of the prophet Mohammed, this has given me a deep respect for the greatest and most cherished of all American freedoms: The right for the Press to Cower In Mortal Terror. However, I have been disappointed in the press coverage in defense of this small religion of Satanic worship.
The question we have to ask ourselves is this: Did the statement by Pat Robertson offend Satanists? And why isn't anyone stepping forward in their defense?
Keep in mind that not all devil worshippers are completely committed to their religion. Some praise Beelzebub simply because their parents did the same. Others celebrate the Dark Lord only on those special holidays such as Mardi Gras, Halloween, and Hillary’s Birthday.
But for the Satanic Fundamentalist we have to ask – is the comparison a fair one? (For discussion: When Devil Worshippers get together – do they argue the existence of the One True Satan?)
Comparing Islam to Satanism is unfair. Satanists do a good job of reaching out to Americans and drawing them to their way of life. Their promotional tools include Heavy Metal music, Public School systems, and the new hit series Desperate Housewives. Contrast this to Muslim extremists who: Demand that you not mock Islam; demand that you not question or inquire about Islam, and, finally, demand that you convert to Islam. Really, sometimes it’s enough to make me openly embrace the next Jehovah’s Witness.
Sure, there are some things I don’t understand about Satanists. Like why they need to behead a goat and offer it to their lord as a sacrifice. But I’d much rather they behead a goat than Mr. Goldberg next door. And I’d certainly like to see them use their influence to help clean up congress – but otherwise – I have no problem with these people.
In short, I think that the Reverend Pat Robertson should apologize to the Religion of Darkness for the unfair comparison to the Religion of Peace.
This is just a reminder that today is Eat A Tasty Animal For PETA Day. (EATAPETA Day)
Feel free to register the animals you've eaten at the cheesy database site I've set upFor instance: normally, I drink my breakfast (coffee and cinnamon), but I added two beef jerky strips to my first meal of the day.
And you're more than welcome to let your cats participate...
As diners, not dinner.
The Perfect Hardcover for Beating a Hobo to Death
I should mention that I have my copy of Army of Davids I ordered from Amazon. I just started reading it, and I was absent from the acknowledgements (!) and he starts the book by talking about brewing beer (yeah, beer; sure). According to a scan of the index, there is nothing in it about puppies or blenders, so I guess the editors sanitized it. Most of the footnotes are simply "Heh" or "Indeed," and each bibliographical reference is followed by the phrase "Read the whole thing." So far, I don't think reading Glenn Reynolds’s book has caused the devil to possess me, but I'll be sure to monitor that as I read more.
Carnival Of Comedy Reminder
On Thursday, March 16th, 2006, Ben will be hosting Carnival of Comedy #46 at Ben's Rants
Want to host? Email me at email@example.com with "Host Carnival Of Comedy" as the subject.
March 14, 2006
American Idol 5 top 12
So here it is. Boys v. girls. Bigger stage. Bigger band. Bigger beating.
Oh, and of course we get to start off with the horrible montage of all the top 12 making it and doing the *oh! tear!* bull. And here are the contestants, who all now have personal stylists. For the most part, they look better. Chris is the only one fairly unchanged, because he already had the style and class.
No, Ryan, I did not pick out this top 12. Namely, Kellie Pickler. More on that earsore later.
And after the introduction of the judges, I am reminded that tonight's horrible theme is Stevie Wonder night. Let's make something very clear: I heart heart heart Stevie Wonder. He's brilliant. But any time a contestant does Stevie on this show, they either butcher the song, or try to mellow it out. MELLOW OUT STEVIE WONDER! And I'm not sure there's ever been a contestant who sang Stevie and didn't get the "song choice" critique. So I don't want to hear word one about song choice from Randy, who's not gonna be feelin' it, Dawg, or from Paula, who just has no ability to criticize a performance, so usually cops out with saying "You know, I love you, you're so great, but it just wasn't the right song for you. I'm sorry." in a quiet voice.
Oh, and look! Stevie surprised the contestants by showing up while they were at the piano to say hi. And Earsore had the glycerin and onions handy for the spectacle tears! She must be a boyscout. Always prepared.
LOL! Ryan just said that tonight will have 12 songs from 12 of the best undiscovered talents. Um, best, Ryan? *cough* Kellie Pickler! *cough* Ace Young! *cough* Kevin Covais!
IDOLS 01... Ace is the first to sing tonight. He's singing "Do I Do". The first half wasn't as horribly out of tune. When he started walking into the crowd, that all changed. Dude. If you can't walk and sing at the same time, stay in one place, or do the seventh grade dance thing where you sway back and forth from foot to foot. Anyway, booooooring.
[NUMBER WITHHELD FOR ALL ETERNITY THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE]... Kellie Pickler is up next. "I'm not familiar with Stevie Wonder, in all honesty. I mean, I never seen a negro in person before! And he wears sunglasses all the time inside, which is really weird. Is that a brown people thang?" She's gonna sing "Blame it on the Sun". LOL, Stevie is such a nice guy! He totally just insulted the Earsore on the camera, but he said it in such a way that Earsore will never ever be able to look up all those big words in the dictionary (the what??) to understand his meaning. EVERYONE IS HEREBY COMMANDED TO SING STEVIE WONDER SONGS HEREAFTER EVERY WEEK ON THIS SHOW! He's my new favorite. Ok, here's the quote: "She sounds like she will have a lotta fun with it. I think that she'll have the right kind of spirit... to sing the song, if she works with her intonation... it'll be a pretty good delivery." Translation: "Dude, I'm struggling here. How do I say this nice? She's really out of tune, someone hit that girl with a tuning fork, quick. But hey, at least she'll look good singing it. Far as I know, anyway." Good grief, it's like Kim Bauer to the 14th power. Ok, all you people voting for her: Take in the performances with your eyes closed. She's not pretty enough to overlook the horrible vocals. This is boring and awful, even for her. And she has something in her eyes. Holy, how many times can you wink in one phrase? Who wants to bet she says she's sick tonight. Even Randy is calling it a non-event. She is soooo fake smiling right now, trying to keep herself from throwing the microphone at Randy. Finally, the judges have taken their meds, or stopped drinking their dinners, or turned on their hearing aids and given her a bad judging. Even Ryan can't be nice. All he can say is that Simon has no business insulting the way she looks. Oh well, Kellie, maybe you can go backstage and try to outsmart a sack of bricks. You might come in second! What a cartoon.
IDOLS 03... Elliott Yamin is next, and he is crying for real after meeting Stevie Wonder. Stevie likes Elliott. He's singing "Knocks Me Off My Feet". He has really good lungs and vocal chords. And they are shining blue lights on him, and it looks like his super-sheen hair is blue. This is pretty boring, but the vocals are good at least. And the ending is good. Speaking of good endings, tonight would be a really good night for Kellie to end her stay on my TV screen. One thing on Elliott... Please no more white jackets, you look like a waiter at a fancy restaurant. Next week, if you wear a cumberbund, or wear a towel over your arm, I'm out.
IDOLS 04... Mandisa says the judges are kinda hard to please tonight. Not so much, you could just sing your ABCs and be the best tonight. Stevie says she's right on pitch singing his song "Don't You Worry 'Bout a Thing". (He left out the part about, "Unlike that farm girl with the intonation problems and the fakey fakeness." Ryan has taken off Mandisa's horribly uncomfy shoes (because they were so cute that they had to be killing her!), so she's singing barefoot. She's awesome and actually doing her own thing with the song. The first non-boring song tonight. Woo! Oops, the Taylor in me escaped for a second. She looks great (I LOVE that necklace, and she does look great in black).
IDOLS 05... Bucky Covington is next. Thank goodness, someone finally combed that hair. Now if only we could get someone to shave that penciled-in mustache, I'd be happy. Loves Elvis. I'm out. He's singing "Superstitious", which I think is on one of our karaoke video games. Wow, his hair is so nice and fluffy and pretty now! He must use Garnier Fructis like me. That stuff rocks, Bucky, I hear ya. You know what it is about Bucky that will keep him from getting very far? He has a good voice, yes, and it's gravely, yes, but he's too quiet. It's almost like he's singing to himself in the back of an art history class so the professor won't hear it. Just not a strong voice. The performance was fine, but eh. He looks good, though. That color is good on him. Shave the smudge! Bad Simon! He just insulted the finally-combed hair! And Bucky faux-pased by blaming the stylist. Shame.
IDOLS 06... Melissa McGhee is next. Haha, Melissa is wearing an "Everyone Loves a Brunette" shirt. I wonder if she and miss "Everyone Loves a Blonde" Earsore went shopping together, or if she's frontin'. She's singing "Lately". Melissa has a good voice. Ouch, a few bad notes in there. I thought it was a bit boring, but not nearly as boring as Kellie (and way more in tune).
IDOLS 07... Lisa Tucker is singing "Signed, Sealed, Delivered". Wow, this is a first. She's a bit out of tune tonight, very surprising. I don't know why, because Lisa has a great voice and a pretty good presence, but she's very forgettable to me. Every week, I don't think about her until they announce she's singing, and I go, "Oh yeah! Her! I forgot about her." That's a very bad sign. This was very forgettable until the last phrase, which was good. Hmm, Randy's talking about how most of the Stevie songs tonight have sounded very karaoke. Wonder why. Who picks the themes? Not SarahK.
Have I mentioned how happy I am that Earsore has already sung, so I'm not dreading her coming up? Then again, Ryan just said that the Kindergartener is next.
IDOLS 08... Scrappy Doo is the worst of the guys for sure. Thank goodness they did something with his hair, though. Kevin is trying to push the myth that he's a sex symbol, and he's really, truly going to butcher "Part-Time Lover". "Kevin had a very interesting kind of voice. Kevin brought a great sense of fun to the song. Little Kevin!" That sure sounds like an Earsore review by Stevie Wonder. He's horrible. My ears hurt. My eyes hurt. My SOUL hurts. It's funny when the judges keep stressing "You sang in tune, and you sang in tune, and wow, like, you sang in tune. I can't believe it. You sang in tune." And that's from Paula and Randy, who apparently wore the earplugs tonight. Ugh, did I mention my SOUL hurts?? Hurts bad.
IDOLS 09... Katharine McPhee. So excited about Stevie Wonder. Don't worry, Katharine, everyone else has to sing a Stevie song too. This time, though, you didn't choose to have a horrible song choice. She's singing "Until You Come Back to Me". Someone hit her in both her eyes, and she stole one of June Carter's dresses for tonight's performance. She looks so pregnant tonight, and she's already said that she's not, but after this dress, I'm not sure I'm buying that... Why wear a '70s maternity dress if you're not preggers? BTW, she reminds me, in her mannerisms, of Jennifer Garner. Has that same kind of tomboyish-giggly-fake-sweet thing going on. Like "Whoops, am I talented? I had no idea! Look, I broke my shoe! Whoops, I fake-tripped at the Oscars so I could say I do my own stunts!" Anyway, she has a really great voice. But this was amazingly boring tonight. She's playing it safe every single night, and she's pretty much lost me. Two words: Ruben Studdard. I only even remember his name because I was so fed up with him never taking a chance and singing for real. Good grief, could you sing like you're in the shower, or on the open road with no one around? Pretend no one's listening and sing. *eye roll*
IDOLS 10... Taylor Hicks is singing "Living for the City". He's the winner of the Captain Tightpants award tonight. Someone dressed him in Scrappy Doo's pants. Whoa, he's not wooing. Has he even woo'd once? This is a very strong, soulful vocal... The dancing is getting out of control, and we're about to agree that I'll just listen with my eyes closed from here on out. The singing was great, though. Incredibly soulful. Best of the night, hands down. Simon, stop calling him old! He's my age! The Drunken Dad Who Can Sing. TDDWCS. Whoops, one of the stylists wants to change his hair color. Please, y'all, not Elvis-black. I'll barf if y'all do that to Taylor. Just leave it alone.
IDOLS 11... Paris is singing "All I Do". She was good, but it sounded like all one note. A great D or D-flat or something like that, but all the same note. Fairly bland. And Paula calls her "seasoned". No, Paula, I said bland, which is the opposite of seasoned. Maybe it's the pink jacket. It hurts my pupils.
IDOLS 12... Chris will be singing last tonight. Nuh-uhhhh. Did they take away his soul-patch? Or did he shave it while mourning the death of Soul-Patch Tony, who could be dead for reals on 24. Fox, you're killing me. No wait, the soul-patch is alive and kicking, they just took off all the smudges. Whew, I was gonna be sad. This is really good. Whoa, was that a super-out-of-tune phrase there? It was weird, I don't know what to think. Anyway, he's fantastic, a complete natural performer. Yay.
So the order tonight...
My prediction. Wow, it's hard, because Kellie was so horrible that people might be willing to overlook the hot factor and not vote for her. But Scrappy is such a joke... And Melissa just eeked into the top 12. I'ma go with Kellie and pray real hard.
The Mind Boggles
IT'S GOOD LAIR AND HARVEY DON'T LIVE TOGETHER, OR THEY'D HAVE THIS PROBLEM TOO: Obviously, that's Frank who got the hate mail. He must have started the post at home on the laptop when he was dogsitting.
I just got this comment from a "Mary Jane" to my Super Happy Fun Partial Birth Abortion FAQ post, and I'd almost have to think it's a joke:
ii think this site is very harable and you are some idots!!!!
If this was a serious hate comment, how did this person even operate the computer to find this site?
Democrats.com sent Frank J. an e-mail wherein they unveiled their new motto:
"victory is possible!!"
Now THERE'S a rallying cry [insert dramatic eye-roll].
I wonder what mottos they rejected?
"we might not come in last!!"
"it's only MOSTLY completely hopeless!!"
"don't quit your day job!!"
"why can't you be more like your brother Murray?!!"
"I've got a good feeling about this SuperLotto ticket!!"
"I wish I could quit you!!"
"my MOM says I'm cool!!"
Any other suggestions?
We all need validation. Sometimes even a podcast rss feed needs it. See, the sad fact is our IMAO podcast has an RSS feed, indeed an RSS feed is what makes it a podcast. But I digress.
This was a feed that was not valid. No, it's true. This was pointed out by Pat in the comments somewhere. Sure there were some valid parts but like a chain, you are only as valid as your invalidest link.
There were a over a half dozen things wrong (read, INVALID) with it. REALLY! I am hiding my face out of shamefacedness.
BUT. NO. MORE.
But now, forgive me for shouting, NOW it has been validated. By me. Oh yes, it is extremely valid. As valid as an podcast rss feed gets. The validest.
See? Validate the IMAO Podcast feed. BAM! VALID!
Now, I feel so warm and valid inside, now.
P is for Payback - The Official Script
We join our heroes who live in a mythical world with no relation to current reality. Our main character, Malvado, is played by Oscar winner, George C. Looney. A pretty boy with a reputation for being pretty.
We pick up the story as the misunderstood hero plots to overthrow an evil government.
Scene One. Malvado and his long haired lovely are lying in bed.
Malvado- Somehow, we must overthrow this evil Busho regime. They are up to no good.
Sluteska: Oh, darling. We must have another sex scene. Kiss me you hot crazy stud muffin.
Malvado: You are a lovely woman, but it's only the opening credits.
Sluteska: I can't help it. I wish I could quit you.
Malvado: And I wish I could do something about this evil Busho admiinistration. I'm sure at this very moment, they are plotting some evil plan to remove these peaceful religionists from our very soil. I'll call my friend Muhammed.
(Picks up phone and dials)
Mo? what are you doing?
Mo: Stop calling me. I'm plotting evil and wishing to destroy your way of life, you stupid zionist pig.
Malvado: Pig. he he. That's funny because I'm not Jewish. so it doesn't offend me. Cool. Call me when you're done. And lets get together for lunch next week. You pick the place, okay Mo?
Mo; Fine. Someplace crowded with lots of women and children.
Malvado hangs up the phone.
I'm glad I'm lberal. Otherwise, I wouldn't be able to make friends with nice people like Mo.
Now - back to our sex scene.
Inside the White House as they make plans to fortify the country even more.
Busho: The new security fence would cost HOW much to build? That's insane.
La Condi: The price for security, Mr. President.
Busho: Could we save money by using illegals?
La Condi: Mr. President, I have it on very good authority that the AQ is planning on striking this country in the next few days.
Busho: Hmmm. Would they be interested in helping us run our ports?
We join Malvado at his home as he prepares his superhero equipment.
Malvado: Sluteska, I might need your help in carrying out my plan?
Malvado: Yes, this evil government is holding thousands of Mo's innocent friends. They're being held in small rooms, allowed to pray 5 times a day, fed with three square meals a day, and punished by being forced to read mindless hateful cartoons such as pictures of The prophet Muhammed and The Boondocks.
Sluteska: What is your plan?
Malvado: I will destroy all of these buildings in order to make a large political statement. I need your help. Many women and children will die.
Sluteska: Hey, Isn't that - like - evil?
Malvado: No - we'll be sure to remove all Peaceful Religionists.
Sluteska: So how do I help? Do you want me to stand guard over the explosives?
Malvado: No. You have to stand here and guard my haircare products. I must go to the doctor. All this Busho hatred is making me start to break out. I cannot look anything less than my best! (he flashes his dreamy smile)
Sluteska: Oh, you are so dreamy. (They kiss for a long time) I wish I could quit you!
Malvado: Remember, if I die, to share with the world the most important thing?
Sluteska: That your mother shouldn't use your death for shameless self promotion?
Malvado: No - more important than that. Make sure the world knows I do my own stunts.
At the Abu Gabuga Prison
Sergeant: Here's your food prisoner!
Abdul: How dare you depict food! It is against my religion to depict any living thing.
Sergeant: But it's FOOD! You EAT IT. I didn't give you pictures of food or anything.
Abdul: oh - and now you insult me. The people at the United Nations will hear about this. I think I am going to pass out! (pretends to faint)
Sergeant: (smiling sardonically) It's okay. We can count on the United Nations to be fair.
Busho: I'm ready for my speech. Thanks for giving me these phonetic cue cards.
La Condi: This is an important speech. We need you to not sound so stupid.
Busho: No problem. (reading card) Nukaler.
La Condi: Try again. New-Clee-Er
La Condi: Almost. New-Clee-Er
La Condi: No. No. no. New-Clee-Er
La Condi: Screw it. I'll give the damn speech.
At the Senate
Democraht Leader: Before we hear today from the "Presidente" we will have a short invocation. Here's Navy Chaplain Bill Jones.
Chaplain Jones: Thank for this blessed day, Lord Jesus...
(The Democrat side of the aisle gasps in horror)
Democraht Leader: Do you have to invoke THAT name? We're not sure if that's exactly the right role for a chaplain.
Chaplain Jones: But.. but..
Democraht Leader: In the interest of tolerance, we will hearm from Imam Mammy.
Imam: Before I invoke anything, I want you to know that the evil Busho administration has done nothing but torture our peaceful people and our peaceful ways.
(Democrahts give a standing ovation)
Some of our religious leaders have been deeply, deeply traumatized. Just the other day, Imam Mohamed Al Getyu sobbed hysterically while locking himself in our humble mosque, deep in the Ammunitions Room - i mean Room of Prayer. Shame on Busho!
(another standing ovation)
Let us pray. Oh Merciful Allah. Strike these people dead where they stand. Kill them, mighty Allah. Let their blood run down these aisles while we dance with their decapitated heads in our hands. Amen.
Democraht Leader: (wiping a tear) That was beautiful. I feel spiritually refreshed. Thank you. Now I'd like to talk to you about today's headline - the United Nations Report on Abu Gabuga Prison. Here's the report titled: My best friend's sister's boyfriend's brother's girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who's going with a girl who saw Hassan pass-out at Abu Gabuga Prison last night. I guess it's pretty serious."
WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO ABOUT THIS!!!!
Outside the Doctors office.
Malvado: Thanks doc for treating my skin rash. I'm so glad I'm liberal and not at all homophobic. Otherwise, I'd ask myself why a simple consultation for a rash turned into a 2 hour proctology exam.
Doctor: I wish I could quit you.
Tune in later this week for the continuation our our saga: P is for Payback.
Rowdi is sick.
Her stomach sounds like there are people inside shouting. Sarah has an appointment today, so I'm going to have to head home to watch Rowdi. I'll be doing some work from home, but I probably won't have much time for blogging.
Anyway, on my In My World™ yesterday, I got this comment from MJPeltier:
As one of the executive producers of the Dog Whisperer (and the co-writer of Cesar's upcoming book) - I must say, you captured his voice brilliantly!
That was cool, because the Dog Whisperer is one of Sarah's and my favorite shows right now. After being told about it by sister a couple times (who doesn't have a dog - which is too bad because she lives in L.A. and could call on Cesar if the dog was violent or scared or something), I finally added it to the Tivo list. Anyway, it's like Cesar Millan has magical dog powers, but the pack leader techniques he talks about really seem to work. It's quite an entertaining show (they expanded it from a half hour to and hour for the second season), especially seeing Cesar calm down some real nightmare dogs (or give courage to big babies) and I recommend checking it out even if you don't particularly like dogs. It’s also quite informative if you have a dog because so many little things you wouldn’t even think of can have such a big effect on your dog. Cesar even has a blog here.
Well, I have to check on my pup. Remember: Be calm and assertive, ronin.
March 13, 2006
24 Day 5 -- 7 p.m.
Ok, so if it's Chloe that gives "the ultimate sacrifice" tonight, I'm done with this show. FOREVER! You hear that, Joel Surnow?? Done!
Yay! Graphic violence! BTW, I don't think there's an ep this season that hasn't had the graphic violence warning.
Previously on 24, Kim was all about her, the Veep said something, and Bill talked to Tony about Robocop. Jack tried to question Robocop. Lynn's keycard was used to gain access, and CTU had (nerve) gas. Edgar died. SarahK hated TPTB.
So now there are 2 safe zones. CTU director's office, holding room 4, situation room, medical. So that sounds like 4 safe zones, but who's counting when Edgar's dead. And that must mean Tony's fine, and if he's the other one that dies tonight, I'm done with the show. Tony, Chloe, Curtis, Jack. Anyone else, go ahead and kill 'em. But those four... beware the wrath of SarahK.
Jack wants to know if Robo's still alive. Chloe is watching her best friend being dead. That makes him Deadger. Jack asks for Chloe's help, and Chloe is fairly unresponsive. Give that girl an M4 and a terrorist.
Darnit, I just threw my drink all over me. I must be sad about Deadgar and crack whores.
Kim's evil boyfriend is trying to "help" Chloe to get her out of shock at seeing her best friend die. Chloe's sad she treated Deadger like crap all day (when doesn't she treat everyone like crap? She should feel good about that!).
Lynn's saying this is his fault, because someone used his keycard to get in. THAT'S RIGHT, MIKEY, IT'S YOUR FAULT IF WE LOSE THE GOONDOCKS! No one really cares about L.A. (except my sis-in-law and Frank's aunt Helen and such), but we all care about the Goondocks.
Red-shirt security guard: "So we're all gonna die because you were embarrassed [that your sister beat you up and stoled your keycard]."
Tony's just put the doctor in the CTU ward to sleep. And he wants to kill Robocop. He's really ticked about Michelle. Jack is bustin' in on comms and is trying to talk Tony out of killing Robocop, since we need him and all.
Tony tells Jack to hurry up, because he just doesn't know how long he can keep from killing the man who killed his wifey.
Back at the DHS, the Veep is asking how CTU could have been hit. 40% of CTU's personnel have been taken out. Logan is worried about how they're gonna fight the nerve gas threat. This DHS lady is saying she can go in and neutralize stuff and take over.
The terrorists have a new target and are glad that CTU is momentarily subdued.
Oh, and Jack is trying to get Chloe to help, and she's a little traumatized, and Barry (the evil) is telling Jack that Jack's a meanie. Jack's like, Dude, if we had time for your psychobabble, I'd totally be for it, but we don't have time, so step back before I kick your pinkytoe. BTW, you took advantage of my daughter.
Kim's like, "Barry's my only reason to live," and Chloe's like, "You people sicken me. Fine. I'll get back to y'all if you'll just SHUT UP!"
So the nerve gas is mixed with a corrosive agent that's eating through the walls or something, and they've got mega-warnings that say they're all gonna die. SLICK SHOES? ARE YOU CRAZY?
Back at the compound, Martha's mad that the Veep is making policy because President Estro can't make a decision to save his life. Mike Novick tells Martha to use her influence on Estro. "Bake him a cake. He really likes cake."
Bill says everyone's safe except for that corrosion that's gonna let the gas in. Bill says something about flushing the Centox out of the areas before they all die. Audrey wants to believe the numbers are off. Jack wants to blame himself that Kim might die from nerve gas. Chloe's all business and looking for solutions. Some program is keeping all of them hostage, because they're gonna die if the program keeps them un-ventilated.
Long story short: Nerve gas and bad ventilation: everyone dies. Good ventilation and fixing stuff: everyone lives. Except someone.
Chloe reminds Jack not to screw up going thru the ventilation system, or he'll kill them all. "Thanks, Chloe, I was really happy about having a picnic later."
Kim tells Chloe not to talk down to her. "Why not? I always talk down to idiots." Barry says everyone breathe. Chloe says, "What's up with Barry and the breathing? Is that his solution for everything?"
Jack gets thru something that keeps him from inhaling gas. Lynn is in holding room 4, which is connected to the room that Jack needs to get to. If Lynn can get to the room above the holding room, he can save them all. Jack tells them that Lynn and the redshirt are gonna die to save everyone.
Yay, it's Lynn that's gonna die! "No firmen! No firmen!" Yay! Mikey can save us all with his marble bag! Have I ever mentioned that Goonies is my all-time favorite movie? It really is.
Kim apologizes to Chloe so they can have a moment. Chloe tells Kim that everything she passed onto Jack was about Kim. Chloe: "Yeah, well shrinks are always giving advice that they prob'ly don't follow." Kim: "How are you doing?" "Oh, I'm great. Woke up with a guy I'll prob'ly never see again, but you know. All in a day's work. Later, I'll have chamomile tea with Audrey."
The redshirt is talking to his daughter on the phone, telling her to mind her mommy. Lynn is rushing him, because it's time to get moving and sacrifice themselves. Chloe thanks Lynn for saving everyone, and he and the redshirt go off to save everyone. Lynn runs upstairs and fixes the system so that the corrosive stuff is no longer corroding stuff. Jack comes on over the intercom and tells Lynn and the redshirt that they're heros. The redshirt breathes and thinks he's ok, but then he dies. Lynn holds on not breathing as long as he can and then dies, in the arms of One-Eyed Willie. But thank you, Mikey, you saved the Goondocks! BTW, that looks like a super-painful way to die.
Tony and the doc are in the infirmary with Robo. No progress.
Chloe is working the problem, but her team is dead, so it's kinda hard for her.
Jack wants Kim to get checked out by medical when the barriers are lifted. Kim says she can't be around Jack even though he loves her and she loves him. It looks like Kim is gonna leave for good, and yay! Can't say that hurts SarahK's feelings.
Audrey grabs Jack's hand from behind and asks if they can talk about their feelings. "No. Woman, can't you get a grip?" "But Jack... we need to talk about our relationship..." Jack sighs and wishes he'd killed himself to save everyone else.
Estro and the gang are talking, and Estro is trying to say that martial law is super-fantastic! After all, says George Clooney, Hollywood is ahead of everyone on the issue of martial law. And all of the world is so grateful to have George Clooney. Bluuuurgh. Sorry, the tilapia was so good going down, but coming up, it had Clooney. Yuck.
Some prostitute's phone is ringing, and some John is pressing her. Prostitute promises to have the info in a few minutes. This is half-neckid Coletta. Not Neckid Mandy like alla ya's were hoping.
Meanwhile Karen Hayes from DHS is calling Bill to tell him that she's coming to take over. All of CTU's stuff has been transferred to DHS's laptops. CTU is no longer operational. And DHS is in full control. They're gonna fire CTU staff and replace them with DHS peeps. Hmm, something crazy's gonna happen.
Evil Barry (C. Thomas Howell) stops to thank Jack for being awesome, and Jack says Barry should take care of Kim.
Tony tells Jack that Robo is going to die now at Tony's hands. Jack says "d---it!" like always, and Tony knocks out the other guy in the room who's not already in a coma. Tony's about to jab a giant needle in Robocop's chest when Robo wakes up, jabs the needdle in Tony's chest and injects Tony with whatever. Tony is dying. Jack shows up to save Tony. Tony doesn't care about living because Michelle is gone. Robo has Tony's gun and has properly checked it for magazines and ammo
If Tony is dead, I'm done with this show. The good news is, there's a boop-beep at the end of the show, so Tony shouldn't actually be dead.
Next week, there's a pansy president who institutes a curfew in L.A., a power-hungry woman, no sign of Tony (which probably means he's not dead), a helicopter, and Curtis.
There he goes again
Well, Pat Robertson went nuts in front of a camera again, saying that Radical Islam is "a Satanic religion" and that Islam has a goal of "world domination."
Television evangelist Pat Robertson said Monday on his live news-and-talk program "The 700 Club" that Islam is not a religion of peace, and that radical Muslims are "satanic."
Come on, Pat. Radical Islam is not Satanic.
he had it half right anyway . . .
I have to kind of admire him for the consistency of his [wrong] position, but to drag out the popular lie that invading Iraq was intended essentially to capture Osama Bin Laden is just lame. Furthermore, the idea that Iraq and al Qaeda have nothing to do with one another in the general war on terror is just stupid beyond measure. But hey, you think you're going to ride that pony to a big win in the November elections, be my guest. It will be 2004 all over again.
The Mind of Impeachment
Democrats.com (not affiliated with the DNC) sent me an e-mail about impeaching President Bush. I though I'd share part of the e-mail with you since studying crazy people helps us better understand ourselves, and, more importantly, it's funny:
Impeachment: Which Democrats Are Blocking Us?
I'm going to guess the sane ones.
Thanks to your grassroots lobbying efforts - and the leadership of Rep. John Conyers - there are now 29 co-sponsors for Conyers' Select Committee on Impeachment, H. Res. 635. http://afterdowningstreet.org/635
"The leadership of Rep. John Conyers" - it takes skill to say that with a straight-face. 29 co-sponsors? Bush is going down!
That's a good start - but ALL 202 Democrats should be co-sponsors. After all, Bush deserves impeachment far more than any president in American history, and a solid majority of Americans want Congress to impeach him NOW. http://democrats.com/bush-impeachment-polls
So... much... idiocy... in... so... little... space...
Maybe if you put LSD in the water, all 202 Democrats could go nuts and sponsor this, but you do understand that still ain't enough for impeachment, Mr. Minority Party?
And you really can't think of any President who deserves impeachment more? Not even Grover Cleveland who murdered all those people with a hatchet?
And you really think the American people want Bush impeached? Have you ever talked to Americans before? Or do you just believe your polls? Who conducted them? Bigfoot?
What's holding back the Democrats? According to reporter Dave Lindorff, "members of Congress - even firebrands like Maxine Waters (D-CA) and Cynthia McKinney (D-GA) - have been strong-armed behind the scenes by the Democratic National Committee not to introduce an impeachment bill in the House." The DNC chairman is Howard Dean. Ask him why he is blocking impeachment here: http://democrats.org/page/s/contact
So, my guess was wrong; even the Emerald Nuts in the House are against this. If you can't get Maxine Waters, Cynthia McKinney, and Howard Dean onboard, then that's an indication that what you are proposing is sticking your face in a blender crazy.
House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi also opposes impeachment, urging Democratic activists to focus instead on winning the House in November. We reject that because every single DAY that Bush remains in office is another day in which American soldiers are killed or maimed in Iraq, Iraqi civilians are killed or maimed or poisoned, prisoners in America's Gulag are tortured, America's ports are left vulnerable, our phones and computers are wiretapped, and our planet races towards climate catastrophe. Also, since a solid majority (52%-53%) of Americans support Bush's impeachment, it's both good policy and good politics. Ask Nancy Pelosi and the House Democratic leadership why they are blocking impeachment here: http://democrats.house.gov/contact/index.cfm
Nancy Pelosi was so shocked by the idea of impeachment, it looked like her skull was about to burst from her face.
Oh, wait, she always looks like that.
But you guys are right; this impeachment thing will go over great. The American people will love it; it will be a non-stop party. And Bush will totally get thrown out of office by the Republican Congress.
Anyhoo, here's a really powerful telescope; tell if you can see reality from where you guys are.
Another terrific way to promote impeachment is by getting cities, counties, towns, villages, and Democratic committees to adopt impeachment resolutions. Last week, citizens of five Vermont towns overwhelmingly passed resolutions urging their Congressman, Bernie Sanders, to introduce Articles of Impeachment. His first reply was to call impeachment "impractical," but he then responded to his constituents by co-sponsoring H. Res. 635. The growing list of local resolutions favoring the impeachment of Bush and Cheney is here: http://impeachpac.org/resolutions
As go five Vermont towns, so goes the nation. While they're at it, why don't they pass a resolution saying Iran must now become a secular democracy and abandon their nuclear ambitions... oh and one that demands that gumdrops rain periodically from the sky!
Activists who are particularly savvy have embraced the "Rutland Resolution" to urge their state legislatures to submit impeachable charges directly to the U.S. House of Representatives under Section 603 of the Manual of the Rules of the U.S. House of Representatives. This strategy is best suited to states that have strong Democratic majorities in both houses of the legislature: CA, MA, HI, RI, and VT. Learn more here: http://www.impeachbush.tv/impeach/statehow.html
Okay, now I don't even know what you’re talking about, and, rule of thumb, if you can't explain it to a five-year-old, you can't explain it to a leftist nut.
If you would like to help organize impeachment efforts in your state, county or town, join the Impeachment Working Group of Progressive Democrats of America: http://pdamerica.org/impeach-wg.php
Will we have meetings with punch and pie?
And be sure to urge your Representative to co-sponsor H.Res. 635: http://capwiz.com/pdamerica/issues/alert/?alertid=8329176
"Congressman Dave Weldon, I know you're a conservative Republican, but have you considered sponsoring the impeachment of President Bush? If you ask me, what the country really needs right now is wackiness."
Let's make impeachment our highest priority this spring - victory is possible!!
Yeah, I understand how you guys are already giving up on getting Democrats elected this year, but there has to be something more productive you can put your energy into. I've heard good things about Sudoku!
In My World: The Dog Whisperer
President Bush's session of drumming his desk and singing "I am the President!" was interrupted by the intercom.
"Mr. President, a Cesar Millan is here to see you."
Bush shot out of his chair. "Ooh! The Dog Whisperer got my fan letter! Send him in!"
Cesar Millan came in the Oval Office. Bush immediately noticed the camera crew following him. "Wow! Am I going to be on T.V.?"
"That is not important," Cesar said, "What are important are the dog and the dog owner. I hear we are dealing with an unusually aggressive dog?"
"He's angry," Bush said, and then thought for a moment. "Very angry, actually. Here, look at this." Bush handed Cesar the Guinness Book of World Records.
"The World's Angriest Dog: Chomps," Cesar read aloud and then looked back to Bush. "I like to think that all dogs can be rehabilitated, but this should be a challenge. With troubled dogs, the real problem comes from the owner. That's why I focus most on training people."
"Yeah, well, just make sure your life insurance is updated. Chomps is so bad that we've had to discontinue political relations with Burma because the ambassador is too scared to come to the White House in case Chomps is in here. I would really appreciate your help on this."
"And I am glad to give it," Cesar answered. "When I was a boy in Mexico, I dreamed of one day being the greatest dog trainer in the world, so great that even the President of the United States would call upon me."
"Well, cool, but don't mention the ‘being from Mexico’ too much; I have enough people getting angry with me about illegal immigrants."
"But I'm here legally."
Bush looked confused. "Mexicans can do that?"
"Yipe! Yipe! Yipe!" Barney said as the little Scotty dog ran into the room.
"That dog is unruly too," Bush said, "but he's small enough that I can just kick him across the room if he annoys me."
"Shh!" Cesar said to Barney as he pushed his fingers into the side of the dog's neck. Barney immediately went to the ground and lay there quietly.
"That's amazing!" Bush shouted. "Still, that's not as fun as kicking him."
"The reason Barney doesn't listen to you," Cesar explained, "is that he doesn't see you as a leader."
Bush hung his head. "No one does."
* * * *
"What are you doing in my house?" Donald Rumsfeld demanded.
"I'm Cesar Millan, the Dog Whisperer, and I rehabilitate dogs and train people."
"You whisper to dogs?"
"Uh... no. The Dog Whisperer is just a title the National Geographic Channel came up with... you know, like that movie with Robert Redford, The Horse Whisperer."
"Never saw it."
"Neither have I. Anyway, I hear you have a rottweiler with an aggression problem."
Rumsfeld took a swig from his whiskey flask. "A what problem?"
"I hear he bites people."
"Yeah, he bites people... and objects... and air and water."
"How did you come to own Chomps?"
Rumsfeld thought for a moment. "Well, about two and a half years ago, he mauled Michael Moore for the first time. Later, after an interdimensional crisis was handled, he followed me around. Since he only attacks people and things I don't like or care about, I decided not to beat him until he left me alone." Rumsfeld pointed to a large stick leaning against a wall. "That's the original stick I thought of beating him with. If he's ever noisy, I shake it at him."
"So Chomps has always shown aggression?"
"He likes biting people and destroying things."
"And what do you do when Chomps shows aggression?"
"I either ignore him or laugh, depending on the situation."
"But you don't take control of the situation?"
Rumsfeld took another swig of whiskey. "Who am I tell him what to do? He never tells me what to do."
"Here is the problem," Cesar explained. "You can't control Chomps because Chomps does not see you as a pack leader; he just sees you as a roommate."
Rumsfeld shrugged. "So? He pays half the mortgage. Every so often, he comes home with a wallet. I don't care how he gets them as long as they have cash inside."
"That is not an attitude that Chomps needs to keep him mentally balanced."
"And I should care because..."
Cesar was silent for a second. "May I meet Chomps?"
Chomps burst through the wall behind them, snarling and baring his teeth. Rumsfeld took another drink of whiskey. "Smile and say, 'Hi!'"
* * * *
"The first thing I like to do with any dog is go on a walk," Cesar said, "This allows me to show to the dog I'm the pack leader and let him feel my calm, assertive energy."
Rumsfeld snorted. "Chomps doesn't like leashes."
"Then what you have to do is..."
Chomps quickly grabbed the leash from Cesar and swallowed it. Cesar looked a while at Chomps. "Okay, this could be a problem."
* * * *
"For certain dogs, I have to use creative measures," Cesar told the cameras. "For Chomps, to make a leash, I needed to use a chain from a tow truck to make him a leash he can't immediately chew through." Chomps tried to bite the leash, but Cesar shouted, "Eh!" as he tugged on the chain.
"You're asking for it," Rumsfeld laughed.
"By keeping the leash - well chain - high on his neck, I can keep him facing forward. Now, he can only be angry at things in front of him... or in the sky. Right now, it looks like he's being agitated by that one cloud up there."
Chomps began to growl, but Cesar yelled, "Shh!" as he jerked on the chain. Chomps then quieted and stared at Cesar. "You can see the immediate change in behavior, because he now considers me the pack leader and is trusting my guidance."
"I think he's just confused why you don't seem to care for you own life," Rumsfeld commented.
While Cesar was distracted for a second listening to Rumsfeld, Chomps grabbed a fire hydrant, ripped it out of the ground, and then snapped wildly at the water that shot out.
"Maybe it's time we bring him home."
* * * *
"As you can see," Cesar told the cameras as Chomps sat beside him, shaking but not making a sound, "I have gotten Chomps to contain his anger for the moment. Now, I have to give him something to release this poison on. In front of him, I'll now unveil a scale model of downtown Paris."
Cesar pulled the sheet off, and Chomps immediately leapt on the model and started ripping it apart with his teeth.
"Now, having gotten rid of his anger, he will have a chance to be calm and submissive."
The model destroyed, Chomps now growled and snapped at everything in sight.
"Uh... I guess he has more anger than I thought. Now is the time to be calm and assertive to take control." Cesar looked to Rumsfeld. "Donald, see if you can make Chomps respond by being calm and assertive."
"QUIET NOW OR I'LL RIP YOUR SPINE OUT AND BEAT YOU WITH IT! RARR!" Rumsfeld screamed at the dog.
Chomps kept snarling.
"Okay, Donald, that was assertive, but it wasn't calm."
"Shut up, dogman, or I'll rip out your spine and beat you with it! Rarr!"
Chomps leapt out a window, and screams could be heard outside. "Don't eat anymore children!" Rumsfeld yelled outside. "I hate dealing with the weepy moms of dumb kids!"
* * * *
Bush looked up from his desk. "Hey, Dog Whisperer, how did things go?"
Cesar shook his head. "I hate to ever say this, but he needs to be put down."
"We need to kill Chomps?"
"No, you don't understand," Cesar explained. "Most of my work is training people, and Donald Rumsfeld is untrainable. He causes dogs and anything else around him to become more violent. Having just spent a couple hours with him, I just want to get home and beat my children for some reason. Donald should not be allowed near any living creatures or the support structures of buildings. He needs to be put down."
"Aww," Bush groaned, "everyone is always telling me to either fire Rumsfeld or euthanize him." Bush perked up a bit. "When will this episode air?"
"I don't think this training attempt will be informative to the viewers."
Bush put his head on his desk and sulked. "I'm never going to get on T.V."
Okay, so you're probably wondering where the pokey-pokey idea came from when you heard the podcast this past week. You'd think Frank would pistol-whip me or beat me with a sword or something.
Well, the truth is, I make fondue. I really like to make fondue.
Unlike other couples, for whom a fondue pot is a display item or something to store other useless kitchen appliances in, our fondue pot gets used once every other month or so.
I made a fondue last night and I'm still groggy from it. I made Shiner Bock and Pumpernickel breads in the breadmachine and we sliced up some small variety of golden something apples (or were Granny Fred apples?) and then brocoli and califlower.
Want to see?
And when we're not using the fondue pot for fondue, the fondue forks come in handy when the latch on the dishwasher acts up and I have to prod the spring a bit to get it to catch and lock.
Sometime I Write Things Just Because I Find them Funny
I have an idea for an indulgent post (not focused on any pertinent politics and will be centered around a reference a lot of you won't know), so who is up for a bonus Monday In My World™ focused on Rumsfeld and the now seldom seen Chomps?
Waking Up Monday
I usually don't watch much news over the weekend, so I always have some catching up to do on Monday morning.
Apparently, Feingold, the mucakdoos' stalwart, has proposed to censure Bush for the NSA wiretaps. This is the sort of thing that makes you wish the Senate had their own "code red." Instead of another Senator making a public statement, they should all just sneak into Feingold's room at night and beat him with bars of soap in socks.
Also, there was a GOP straw poll for 2008 for some reason, and Frist won. President Bush came in thrid, though, due to a campaign by John McCain to show support for our President. McCain showing support for President Bush? Something fishy is going on here...
BTW, are we going to have an investigation of U.N. detention facilities? Useless conglomerate of other countries; can't even convict a murderous dictator before he dies.
More political updates as I feel like reading news.
March 12, 2006
March 11, 2006
Glenn Reynolds PR Flack on CNN
In an apparent effort to clean up his image, Glenn Reynolds hired a Public Relations agent to try to spin his image so he doesn't look quite so much like the blackhearted dominar of the blogosphere that we all know him to be. Here's a transcript of the CNN "On The Story" interview with info-hottie Abbi Tatton:
ABBI: Instapundit - is he the eagle-eyed Truth watchdog of new media, or just talentless hack pajama-wearing blogger who lives in his mother's basement and tortures animals for fun? Today we're speaking with Twist Spinner, the Public Relations agent for Glenn Reynolds who promises to help us sort fact from fiction.
TWIST: Pleasure to be here with you today, since I really dig chicks with big hair. Anyone ever tell you that you look a little like Monica Lewinsky?
ABBI: [giggles] Flatterer!... but seriously, what's up with that puppy blending thing?
TWIST: A rumor wrapped in a falsehood inside a distortion. While Mr. Reynolds DOES frequently put puppies in blenders and grind them into a bloody pulp, it has nothing to do with the supposed "consuming their cuteness for energy" that's usually ascribed to it. He only does it to prevent the spread of Bird Flu. This dangerous disease threatens all of humanity and recently jumped from birds to weasels. Reynolds discovered that it's now affecting dogs:
and he's just trying to save the world from disease-ridden mutants, sort of like when Darth Vader blended the Jedi Younglings in Star Wars Episode III in an attempt to save the Old Republic.
ABBI: I see... what about the Robot Dancing?
TWIST: Glenn Reynolds believes in celebrating multicultural diversity, and as part of his Black History Month festivities, he showcased several dance styles - like the Robot Dance - made popular by great African-American entertainers like MC Hammer, Michael Jackson, Vanilla Ice, and Donny Osmond. It's his way of fighting back against racism.
ABBI: But doesn't he usually do his Robot Dancing while praising communists?
TWIST: You know, Abbi, great African-American leaders such as Dr. Martin Luther King were also frequently smeared as communists by the racist right-wing media, and I'm disappointed by your crass perpetuation of this bigoted myth. Thank God for the pioneering work of Mr. Reynolds. With his help, the healing can finally begin.
ABBI: What about the Satan-worshipping?
TWIST: Another attempt at prejudicial fear-mongering. His religious services are frequently described as "Black masses in service of the Prince of Darkness", but surely you can see that "black" and "darkness" are just racist code-words used by the white Republican power structure to promote negative stereotypes against our melanin-enhanced brethren.
ABBI: So you're saying President Bush is a skinhead Neo-Nazi because he worships God?... Well, I guess that explains why he blew up the levees in New Orleans... What about Glenn's habitual punching of Frank J.? Is that a symbolic blow against the white Republican power structure?
TWIST: No, it's just fun to make Frank J. cry like a girl.
ABBI: I see... Well, that's all the time we have today. Join us next week here at "On The Story" when superstar blogger Michelle Malkin will be sharing her recipe for minced kitten brownies.
Go rent this right now!
I was visiting this site today discussing the worst SNL players of all time. I agree that Julia Sweeney wasn't one of the best, and I agree that the Pat sketches were some of the worst dreck ever presented. HOWEVER, the movie It's Pat is comedy genius. Somehow a horrible sketch idea, was transformed into cinematic brilliance. It is pure comedy gold. I've seen it dozens of times, and rank it in my personal top 10 comedy movies. Go get it NOW!
Slobodan Milosevic was found dead in his prison cell today.
Since he was acting as his own counsel at his war crimes trial where he was facing 66 counts of genocide, the European Union and United Nations are working hard to provide him with another attorney.
March 10, 2006
Gun Talk! Yay!
Of course, I love my Walter P99 (current have gun will travel gun) and Mr. Shiny (the stainless-steel Mil-Spec 1911 that sleeps near me), and once I'm super-accurate with my Pop-Pop (the Taurus Ultra-Lite .38 special), I'll love it too. I don't like Glocks, because they're ugly.
For ammo, we like prefrag'd and hollow points for defense. But we mostly shoot FMJs at the range.
So anyone else have advice?
Second, anyone get fanny pack discrimination? I bought a black leather fanny pack with built in gun holster recently. I wear it when I walk the dog. The pouch has room for dog treats, keys, wallet, cell phone, and either the Pop-Pop or the P99. When I'm not with the dog, I have my purse instead.
Well, today was Doggie School day, so I wore the pouch with all my purse contents in it to make it easier. It's a little difficult to keep the purse on the shoulder while leaning down to give the doggie a treat, so this was much better.
After Doggie School, I brought the dog home and then went to run some errands. One of the errands was a stop at Walgreens for a passport photo. I didn't have time before one appointment to switch from pouch to purse, so I wore the pouch, as it had my essentials in it. I should note that I didn't have the gun in the pouch, it was in the car.
When I got to the passport photo counter, the lady working the counter immediately stared at my pouch and then looked at me really weird. This time I actually wasn't being paranoid. I knew what she was thinking. She took my picture and told me there would be a wait, so I browsed the store (Walgreens is one of my very favorite stores to browse -- office supplies, candy, household appliances, photo albums, and lotion! Weeeee!). I'm not kidding you, every time I turned down a new aisle, a new Walgreens employee just happened to follow me onto the aisle. I'm telling you, it was a thing of beauty. They had it so well coordinated, too, like they said, "Code Black Pouch" in their invisible earpieces and went into action. The best part was when the manager came over to the candy aisle to watch me look at the boxes of Nerds. Also, every time an employee would come over to me, or near me, they would stare at... The Pouch.
So does anyone else get the Pouchal Discrimination? BTW, note that I'm an incredibly paranoid person, but this time, I really wasn't. I've never walked into a Walgreens where there were more than 4 people. I'm talking double digits here.
No, Bob, Roger's the mound standing on the mound.
In the World Baseball Classic, Roger Clemens just got 16 runs of support in three innings against South Africa.
I believe that's more run support than he got from the Astros for all of 2005.
Has the South African team ever played baseball, or are they hoping for a movie deal with Disney like those Jamaican bobsledders got?
(I hope Morgan Freeman plays Mandela.)
Six hundred bucks?
It's $600 per person, or an even thousand per couple. Hrm... still not sure. Who will be there?
Rich Lowry, Jonah Goldberg, Jay Nordlinger, Ramesh Ponnuru, John Derbyshire, Kate O’Beirne, and Kathryn Jean Lopez
Well, hell. That's one darn tootin' fine lineup there. Let me just get out my checkbook and...
Wait! Hold on! Astros game! Opening week against the Marlins!
Which to go to.. .which to go to...
Dude, it's gotta be the 'stros. It's too late to order a DERBYSHIRE shirt, and I've been jonesing for Stardogs all winter long.
Glenn's Words for Me
I'm going to soon send away for a signed bookplate for my copy of Army of Davids by Glenn "the Blender" Reynolds, and I was wondering what message should I request he put on it. Glenn already said the message "To my master, Satan," is reserved for me, but can you think of a better inscription? Please put suggestions in the comments.
Sure, some of the IMAO bloggers have cats, but apparently I'm the only one of them brave enough to Friday Catblog. Next thing you know, they'll make me do all the laundry and take the trash out.
Anyway, today it's... um... what?
What the heck are these things?
Anyway, if you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that these things are... er...
March 09, 2006
American Idol cut to 12 (DVR-delayed liveblog)
I wanna hear about your suntan. And your spinach salad.
Ryan felt the need to tell us that there's drama and anything can happen.
Say, those dozen empty seats that the contestants are hoping for look incredibly uncomfy.
EEEE! Bo Bice is out to perform! We didn't even know his album was out until a couple of weeks ago. We need to get that. Is it any good? I'm sure it is, it's Bo. He had a baby, and from the looks of that left hand, he got hitched! Hooray! I'm surprised, I'm actually not liking this song, it's too pop for Bo. He's a rocker! He's still great, works the stage... Ok, lemme ask, what kind of loser sees someone's house on TV and then decides to track him down and camp out for pictures and such? They had to move. That sucks. Of course, I'm sure they got a nicer, bigger house, so that's good. But what jerks those people were to hunt him down. Shame shame shame.
BTW, I like the stage this year. I like the overlooks and whatnot. But this is the last night for that location, right? Don't they go to a bigger venue?
Anyway, the girls. The first girl to go isn't Lisa or Melissa or Ayla. It's Kinnik. She's a really talented singer, and she seems genuinely nice, I wish her well. She looks pretty. I can't believe I like that dress, because I usually wouldn't, but I actually like it. BTW, Ryan's bitter that Simon got the best of him with the jibes last night, because he doesn't even want to let Simon speak tonight. Come on, suck it up, Ryan. It'll be ok.
Minerva is sleeping adorably on the back of the sofa, and Sydney is watching American Idol.
Gedeon has one of the best personalities of any AI contestant ever. "God bless everyone." He's such a nice boy. So for the boys, Will is the first one to go. And like Kinnik, his problem was always song choice. And that shirt he's wearing with the what are those? Magnolias? Gardenias? LOL, our DVR froze right when he sang "I wanna stop." He was better on that song tonight than last night, but it's still not an AI song.
Top 6 girls:
I did not call this one. I was right on the girls, but the guys I missed completely.
I've gotta say. I'm LOVING the song they play at the end of elimination night this year. "Bad Day" by Daniel Powter. Wasn't it on Scrubs one night?
I don't know if it's God that hates me, or if it's the AI producers. Maybe Simon, because I'm NOT a fan of his naughty mink. I got an email from Cadet Happy when we were about 40 minutes in, laughing his pinkytoe off that it was Stevie Wonder night next week. I'd hoped he was just messing with me.
But no. Next week is Stevie Wonder night. And next week, every single contestant will get "Song Choice" as the main part of their critique. No one will have a good song choice.
Frank wants my prediction for who will be the first of the top 12 to go. It'll be the person who picks "My Cherie Amour", unless that's Taylor, because he's pretty much the only one who can pull it off. If they do "Ebony and Ivory" for the group song, and all the white people sing the ebony part and all the black people sing the ivory part, I'm SO done with this show. I'm tempted to be done with this show merely because of Stevie Wonder night. I predict it'll be in the bottom 3 of all AI shows ever. Along with Gloria Estefan night and Barry Manilow night.
All things being equal, Bucky goes first.
It's the IMAO Podcast - Yeehaw!
The latest IMAO Podcast, Friends Don't Let Friends Shoot Friends in the Face, is up! In this episode, there is lots of funny, lots of music, and new bumper music that scares me just a little bit. I heart xylophones!
In this podcast:
The IMAO gang go on a team-building quail-hunting trip! American Monkey returns with Olympic Winter sports monkey would like to see! SarahK interviews Kellie Pickler! Harvey has Fun Facts About Massachusetts! In World of Knowledge, Frank J. tells you everything you need to know about ports! and much more funny !
So you go download it now, and comment on it here! Yay!
The second-worst thing about a movie of the television series "Dallas" (the worst thing being that they're making one to begin with) is that it will not actually be filmed in Dallas.
So, to convince the producers of "Dallas" to do it in Dallas:
City officials say there's no substitute for the original when it comes to producing a movie version of the long-running "Dallas" television show.
That's right. Shoot JR in Dallas. Cute, huh?
So if Oliver Stone had wanted to film in Toronto fifteen years ago, would Dallas have held a "Shoot JFK in Dallas" campaign?
(By the way, Debbie Does Dallas was filmed at SUNY Stony Book, Long Island and not Dallas.)
Jonah Goldberg just linked to my old interview with John Derbyshire. I thought that went so well (in larger part thanks to Derbyshire), but I haven't done another in two years. Who do you think I should interview next (who might actually give me the time of day)?
UPDATE: Maybe I can try to get an interview with Andrew Sullivan in the interest of fairness.
Top Ten Threats from Iran
Iran has threatened us with "harm and pain". What other threats have they made against us?
TOP TEN THREATS FROM IRAN
10. From now on always refer to us as the "United States of Dinguses."
9. They'll compare us to monkeys and curse our mustaches.
8. Secretly replace our regular coffee with Folgers Crystals... and we'll never know the better!
7. Along with financing terrorists they'll also finance George Lucas to further butcher the original Star Wars trilogy.
6. Hit us each with a water balloon when we least expect it.
5. Something about a nuclear explosion.
4. They'll order us pizzas we never wanted.
3. After making an excursion to Skull Island, they'll release King Kong upon New York... or maybe Seattle since he's never been there.
2. They claim it will take days to get all the toilet paper out of our trees when they're done with us.
And the number one threat from Iran...
They'll manage our ports.
What President Has Done More for the Hos?
President Clinton's childhood home was voted by Congress to be designated a national landmark. The conversation that immediately followed (I assume):
"So does the mean the hos have to move out?"
"No, man, that means the hos have to stay."
The finishing touches are being added as I type by the lovely and talented SarahK (I can't believe Glenn called his wife "lovely and talented"; he stole that from me! Which reminds me: if you missed the official Bush Administration response to my Frank Advice on Port Security, then you missed a lot. Check it out.)
Be honorable, ronin.
Looks Like We Lost the War on Terror
First, the Mainstream Media caves in by being too cowardly to print the Muhammed cartoons.
Could the fast food industry be next?
I suppose having Whoppers made out of camel meat would be an improvement, though...
March 08, 2006
American Idol 5 top 8 guys
Ryan's name is still Ryan Seacrest. And I wanna hear about your suntan. The guys are all fired up, and Taylor is wooing.
Paula has started the seal clapping early. This is the forward seal clapping, not the upward seal clapping. And Simon is looking good. I just hope he's not sharing Paula's drink tonight. But I don't think he has a mad crush on any of the boys (maybe Ace, he's pretty).
IDOLS 01... Gedeon is going first tonight. He likes to paint. He talks very deliberately, I wonder if that is on purpose. I really like Gedeon. I first sighed when he started singing "When a Man Loves a Woman", but it could be a good wailing song, so I'm gonna listen. I'm so fair-minded like that. Ok, the first phrase was choppy and off-key, but after that it was very good. He has good pipes and great stage presence. I'll vote for that. Doesn't Simon always use "odd" to describe Gedeon? I can't fault him that, because I will now always use "Mr. F" to describe Kellie Pickler.
IDOLS 02... Chris was styling his hair like Ryan Seacrest a couple years ago, then when he started losing it, he started shaving it. He's singing "Broken" by Seether. Kind of a softer side of Chris. He has so much talent. I love to listen to him, and he's a great performer. I'm voting for Chris, as always.
IDOLS 03... Kevin Covais. I think this is going to be his last night, as he just squeaked by last week. He's singing "Vincent (Starry Starry Night)" by Don Maclean. It's a great song, one of Frank's favorites, but he was boring. He's not doing anything for me anymore. Paula is hugging herself. And someone is having microphone issues. It's true what Simon said about it being like watching puppies play. It's cute, but after about 30 seconds, your like, hey! Let's watch our new Harry Potter DVD instead!
Taylor met Christopher Cross. Cool.
IDOLS 04... Oh, I just started clapping, because Bucky is gonna sing "Wave on Wave" by Pat Green. I hope this is good, I'm so excited! Ok, where are his backup vocals? They're way too quiet. But he's doing a good job, it's just too quiet. I don't know if it's because he just doesn't have that strong a voice, or if it was a bad arrangement... If I'm telling the truth, it was good karaoke. I know, I know, I like him too, but that was just ok. Bucky has a twin brother. You know, Bucky has such a nice smile, I hate to see him go. Maybe he'll make it through.
IDOLS 05... Will Makar. He's studying Japanese. He's singing "How Sweet It Is" by the wonderful James Taylor. What is going on tonight with the music? Everything is so quiet. Are they having sound troubles, or are they just not arranging the songs well this week? He wasn't bad, but he wasn't great. It was pretty boring, and that's one of those songs that's not good for American Idol, but there are still some James Taylor songs that I would be ok with on the show. So far, Frank and I are still waiting to be blown away tonight. Paula just gave him a room key (allegedly), and Simon said it was average. I have to agree with that.
IDOLS 06... Taylor is dressed like an Easter bunny for his pre-singing clip. He used to play one in the mall. He's got such a good feeling about him, you know? He's doing "Takin' It To the Streets" by Doobie Brothers / Michael McDonald. WOO! Holy, I'm gonna have to start watching him with my eyes closed. WOO! He gets really lost in the music, no? WOO! Frank's laughing, I'm perplexed. WOO! The singing was great. WOO! The sound is awful tonight. WOO! The dancing was ... interesting. Oh dear. WOO! He was what we were waiting for tonight. WOO!
IDOLS 07... Elliott Yamin. Wow, that's impressive. He sings so well with 95% hearing loss in one ear. Kudos. He's singing "Heaven", which I know as a Bryan Adams song, but someone probably remade it. I loved it when Bryan Adams did it. I would have liked for him to do much more with that song, but he was solid, once again. Look, Paula just spilled her vodka. Waiter! Simon's right, it wasn't his best. But it was good.
IDOLS 08... Ace Young. Ace is a handyman in Hollywood. Tonight he is trying to be Justin Timberlake singing "Butterflies" by Michael Jackson. My first impression is of those jeans. From far away they look like '80s tightpants. Dear Ace, We get that you can sing an entire song in falsetto. Please stop doing that. My goodness, he just doesn't do anything for me. He did a good job, but ugh. If I want to hear JT, I'll pull out my 'NSYNC CDs or my JT CD.
In order of tonight's performance (and y'all give me a break. It's not my fault that Will always picks the wrong song, and it's not my fault that Ace made a bigger impression than Bucky tonight, because believe me, it's hard for me to put Ace above Bucky):
My predictions for tomorrow night: Bo Bice will perform. I think Will and Kevin should go home, but I think it will be Bucky and Kevin. I think Kellie and Kinnik should go home based on last night, but I think it will be Kinnik and Ayla, and Melissa will be on the bubble. Because people seem to think that Kellie's hotness equals vocal talent.
I wanna hear about your spinach salad.
Most Americans Believe God Created Humans In Their Present Form
This poll says so.
If you are keeping score. Great! If not let me keep score for you.
31% say that man did evolve, but that "God guided." Newcomer to the race, Inteligent design, has a strong showing.
A paltry 12% say evolution only can account for mankind's existance.
Doing the math that means a whopping 57% of responses lie outside those two answers. Given that generally ~5% don't know or have no opinion (noncommital morons), that leaves an estimated 52% in the "Mankind was created like the Bible says", category.
Woohoo! Eat that, heathen!
Kos Celebrates Failure Once Again
Kos and kids once again tried to put their muster behind a political candidate, and, as always, that person lost. So far in Kos's history, the only person he ever supported who succeeded was Dean for head of the DNC, and accomplishment that ensured even more Democrats will lose in the future.
Is it even debatable that Kos is a Rove plant made to destroy the Democrats from the inside? IMAO says no, there is no debate.
World Baseball Classic
Now if you're not familiar with the teams in this tournament, we've got: Koreans, Chinese, Taiwanese, Japanese, Americans, Mexicans, Canadians, South Africans, Ricans, Cubans, Hollanders, Panamanians, Italians, Dominicans, Aussies, and Venezuelans.
(There is no "Juicers" team, so Barry Bonds is sitting out.)
Anyway, some folks have asked why certain other countries aren't participating. Well, here's a list of them and the reasons:
Aruba: Visiting teams kept vanishing. (Oops, I meant to say "teens" there)
Did I leave any countries out? Fill in the blanks in the comments.
In My World: How High Are High School Teachers?
"There's nothing better than visiting a high school," President Bush said to himself as he entered the high school. "Teenagers are the best kind of people out there; angels, every one of them." The high school gym seemed dark and empty. "Where is everybody?"
The lights turned on, and the entire school was seated in the stands. Ahead of Bush was the principal dressed as a judge behind a podium. "We're conducting a mock trail for your war crimes!"
"What?!" Bush exclaimed. "This is stupid. Agent Smith, harm everyone involved with this!"
"Your Secret Service Agent can't help you," the principal said. "We mock killed him and mock captured you."
"It's true," Agent Smith said, a sign reading "Dead" taped to his shirt, "I'm mock dead. Can I go get a sandwich?"
"Fine," Bush groaned.
"Take your seat of shame!" the principal ordered Bush.
Bush walked over and took a seat next to the principal. "Back in my days, if the President visited, we gave him something better to sit on than a metal folding chair."
"Quiet, war criminal!" the principal shouted as he banged his gavel "Time for your trial to begin!"
"Man, now I have a trial and I don't even have my lucky cowboy hat with me."
A student walked up to Bush. "I'm Finkelstein; I have the honor of being your defense attorney."
Bush looked the kid over. "You look like a nerd; I want someone else."
"But I worked so hard on your defense! And everyone else doesn't like you or doesn't care!"
"Fine; I guess a nerd might make a good lawyer."
A long-haired teacher walked up to Bush. "I'm this school's history teacher and I'm going to be the prosecution. You're going to mock pay for all your real evil!"
Bush looked at Finkelstein. "You seem smarter than that hippy, at least."
"Now you will answer for your crimes!" the history teacher said. "So, Mr. Bush, after stealing your presidency, isn't it true you started an illegal war?"
Bush was shocked. "How did you find out about my secret attack on Lithuania?"
"I'm talking about Iraq."
"Oh, that's not an illegal war," Bush scoffed. "The only people who think that war is illegal are morons who are stupid. If it was so illegal, then how come I did it? Answer that one, hippy."
"You didn't get U.N. authorization!"
Bush chuckled. "Why would I need their permission? They're just a Jew-hating puppet organization we use when we feel like it... and we didn't this time. Now that we have John Bolton to kick them around, we might use them more." Bush leaned towards the history teacher and whispered. "I heard his mustache can deflect bullets."
"And how do you justify the U.S. killing civilians?"
Bush looked confused. "You mean the nice civilians, or the civilians who shoot at us and try to blow up each other?"
"And what about the troops using white phosphorus?"
"I don't know anything about that, but, even if it's true, white phosphorous is completely harmless." Bush searched his pockets and found a metal container. "I just happen to have some with me, and you'll see that..."
When the canister opened, the phosphorous flew into the history teacher’s face. "Aiee! My face! My unwashed face!"
Bush looked at the instructions on the canister. "Whoops! It says, 'Do not apply to face.' Other than that, though, this stuff is harmless."
"You just committed another war crime against our history teacher!" the principal yelled.
"Bah; that was just plain ol' assault."
Finkelstein now approached Bush. "Didn't you start the war in Iraq to protect America?"
"Bush good," Bush said. "Bush help good people. Bush smash bad men."
"Why are you talking like that?" Finkelstein whispered to Bush.
"I'm trying to make my language accessible to our nation's youths."
"Uh... teenagers are able to speak basic English."
Bush considered that for a moment. "I thought this was a public school."
"Enough!" shouted the principal. "I now call our special witness, human geography teacher Jay Bennish!"
Bennish ran into the room. "You may have thought that Nazi youth’s tactics to destroy me by letting people hear what I say would have worked, but I'm still here!" He then pointed at Bush and looked to the students around him. "Have you all seen what he does? He uses words and things to influence you... just like Hitler!"
"I think I'll respond to this one, nerd friend," Bush told Finkelstein as he stood up. He then walked over, knocked Bennish to the ground, and started punching him.
The principal banged his gavel. "The President can't punch a teacher!" He held up a large book. "That goes against NEA guidelines."
"Thank you," Bush said as he took the book. He then started whapping Bennish with it while saying, "Don't be stupid! Don't be stupid! And stop whimpering; this is for your own good!"
"This must end!" the principal ordered, banging his gavel again.
Bush checked his watch. "Yeah, I have a fundraiser to go to." He looked to the principal. "Go ahead and give me a verdict." Bush then pulled out his .45 revolver, cocked it, and put it to the principal's head. "And make it a favorable one."
"I find President Bush not guilty on account of him having a gun to my head," the principal said nervously.
Bush put away his gun. "Good enough." He then looked at the students. "High school is not a time for foolishness like this. This is a time to learn math and grammarness and play sports, or, alternatively, to flunk out and ruin your life. It is not the time to learn to be a political retard; that's what college is for. You students need to demand more from your teachers."
"Does this mean we have to go back to class now?" one student moaned.
"By Presidential decree, today is a half-day!" Bush declared.
"President Bush! President Bush!" all the students chanted as they ran out of the gym.
Bush turned to Finkelstein. "You did a good job. If you want a political internship one day, I'll see if some congressman doesn't mind hiring nerds."
"Thanks, President Bush!"
Agent Smith entered the gym. "I heard a commotion here, so I thought I'd check it out when I finished my sandwich." He looked around. "Well, I finished my sandwich; what happened?"
"You're not very good at this, you know," Bush told him.
He shrugged his shoulders. "So what? Secret Service Agents have a great union. So, are you going to help me find my gun now?"
Bush sighed. "Fine, but try not to lose it again today."
Threatened with harm and pain
Iran has threatened the United States with "harm and pain" over the campaign to drag Iran into the United Nations Security Council where Russia and China will flip a coin to see who vetoes any meaningful measures to stop the Persian nuclear weapons program:
"The United States has the power to cause harm and pain," said an statement delivered by the Iranian delegation and later repeated to reporters by top nuclear negotiator Javad Vaidi.
I believe it's already started.
Recently, my right knee's been bothering me. Not quite a dull ache, but when I walk quickly it's a bit thick and unsteady. And a joint in my left ring finger's been a tad sore. Does Iran have some kind of Voodoo doll of me or something, sticking little scimitar-shaped pins into it, chanting HARM AND PAIN in Farsi during arcane rituals?
Well, okay, in my case, a Jewvoodoo... Jewdoo... Voojewdoo?
Carnival Of Comedy Reminder
On tomorrow, March 9th, 2006, Bob will be hosting Carnival of Comedy #45 at Either Orr. Here's a little peom I wrote to mark the occasion.
Bob has hosted the Carnival before.
Want to host? Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org with "Host Carnival Of Comedy" as the subject.
March 07, 2006
American Idol top 8 girls
We're back. Kellie Pickler's back. I wanna hear about your suntan and your calamari.
IDOLS 01... Paris Bennet is singing Gloria Estefan. For someone so talented, she sure knows how to be a tranquilizer. Tonight I was at Curves, and "Conga" came on. I thought, "If I work out hard enough and breathe hard enough and make those hydraulics squeak loud enough, I won't have to hear this song." If only I'd known someone would be singing it on AI, I would have stolen a machine and brought it home for just this moment. I even would have brought that ghastly down-pressing-shoulder-thingy that I've pulled muscles on twice. Vocally, it wasn't very good. She was boring. I'm losing my faith in Paris.
IDOLS 02... Lisa Tucker plays a little electric guitar. Good for her. She's singing "Here in the Dark". Fairly boring, but not as boring as Paris was. She owned it better, though. She's so talented.
Simon apparently took his happy juice tonight. Yes, Ryan is correct. Lisa is likeable. However, Simon has been wrong on who's likeable, because he really thinks Kellie is.
IDOLS 03... Melissa McGhee. She's singing Heart, which is always a good choice. "What About Love". She did a good job, is the best so far tonight. I don't know what's up with Simon, because she was really good. I think Simon has already picked his top 6, and she wasn't in it coming into tonight, so he's not going to promote her. One thing I'll say about her: definitely an alto, not even high enough for a soprano 2. That's not a bad thing, it's just not usually who you hear in the charts. Usually you've got second sopranos, and a few first sopranos. In case y'all are wondering, I'm a second soprano. Anyway, I'm voting for her tonight.
Katharine McPhee is not quitting AI and is not pregnant with Kevin Covais's baby.
IDOLS 04... Kinnik Sky is singing this horrible Alicia Keys song, "If I Ain't Got You". I never heard it until I auditioned in Vegas (for AI 4), and everyone was auditioning with this song. Two girls on my Southwest flight from Albuquerque sang this over the intercom, and this is before I ever got to Vegas, so by the time I even got there, I loooooathed this song. Like more than everyone started loathing "My Heart Will Go On" by the time Celine got around to singing it at the Oscars. So I'm not happy before she even starts. Anyway, I like Kinnik, but this was really bad. She really was offkey for most of the song. Too bad, I think she's going home.
IDOLS 05... Katharine McPhee, who loves Barbra Streisand, Kellie Pickler, and Stevie Wonder. Three of my favorite things! Her "smoldering" look she speaks of is more of a sweet look, but whatever. She's singing "Think" by Aretha Franklin. Ok, gut check here. She was good. But seriously, Diana DeGarmo did that better in season 3. Frank thinks she was the best so far, and I think she was good but not great. I don't know if I'll vote for her or not. I have to think about it.
Frank is super-impressed with Ryan's apparent accelerating of the wit. He's much faster with the comebacks these days.
IDOLS 06... Ayla Brown. Her dad sounds like Elvis she says. Poor child, she should win just based on the torture she's had to deal with over the years. What a beating for your dad to sound like Elvis. Blech. BTW, what in the syllable-elongated-heck is she singing. I'm picturing Dr. Cox asking that same question. And what is she wearing? Bloomers? Re: the performance. This is awful. "Unwritten" by Natasha Bedingfield, and yes, I had to google that. Ok, that was bad. She might have opened the door for Melissa to take the 6th spot. I really liked her until now, but she does not get my vote tonight. But that's a hard no-vote, because her dad's a Republican, so I feel like I should support her. I just can't get behind her tonight.
IDOLS 07... Mandisa... She sucked her thumb until she was 24. LOL, her poor mother. Oh dear. She's doing Chaka Khan. Let's hope it's not "I Feel For You". Ok, good, it's "I'm Every Woman". She did a fantastic job, and she's wearing brown (you know I love that). Of course I'll vote for her, she's the best of all the women. PLUS SHE'S JUST SO STINKING ADORABLE! I just love that personality.
IDOLS 08... Why they would let Kellie Pickler (Mr. F) go last is just beyond me. She's way too awful to go last. BTW, make sure to listen to the next IMAO Podcast, where you'll hear my interview with the (perhaps fake) Kellie Pickler. It should be out tomorrow sometime. She's showing that her dog is even smarter than her, and he can't even fetch. She's singing "I'm the Only One" by Bonnie Raitt. Know what that means? If she can't handle this 3-note song, she should be banned from singing forever. Wait, can we ban her anyway? "In Hollywood they have something called baseball. I don't know what that is, but they say it's as American as apple pie! And I'm like, what's that?" Holy cow, she shocked me tonight. She only missed 3 or 4 notes! That's gotta be a personal best for her. Not good enough to vote for, but better than she's ever been. P.S. If her accent were any more southern she'd be speaking another language. Mr. F.
Oh my goodness, Simon is smoking Paula's crack pipe tonight. Kellie is a naughty little minx, and he kinda prefers her to Carrie Underwood? Why, because Carrie has brain cells? Because Carrie can actually hit all the notes in a song? Because Carrie uses hand gestures at appropriate moments? Because Carrie has a wonderful voice? I'm just stunned that Simon is so tone-deaf this year. And so blonded by Kellie. Mr. F. "I'm a mink!"
HOLY CRAP! SHE STOLE MY LINE! I'M NOT KIDDING Y'ALL, I ALREADY WROTE MY INTERVIEW FOR THE PODCAST, AND SHE REALLY HAD SAL-MON, PRONOUNCED IT WRONG AND EVERYTHING. AND IN MY INTERVIEW, SHE'S REALLY SHOCKED THAT A SAL-MON STEAK WASN'T MADE OF BEEF. DOGGONE, I CAN CALL THEM. I can't believe she ruined my sketch. I'll probably keep it in the podcast anyway. Man, if I'd released it this morning, y'all would be laughing your butts off now. Bad SarahK.
Democrats Need a Direction
Despite missteps by the Republicans and the Bush Administration, Democrats have not been able to make any gains since they lack a direction. To help, I shall give the Democrats a direction:
That's right, Democrats, head north! You can feel it in your heart that's where your destiny lies. So begin you journey and prepare yourself for the adventure ahead.
That's right; start marching North.
The No Humor Man
While letting Ismail Haniyeh know that he'll be seeing Ahmed Yassin and Abdel Rantissi soon, this interesting bit of information as slipped into the news report:
"No one is immune," Mofaz told Army Radio, a day after an Israeli airstrike on an ice cream truck killed two Islamic Jihad militants and three bystanders in Gaza City. Two of those killed were aged 8 and 14.
This begs the question: what flavor of ice cream does Islamic Jihad sell?
The Europeans are good at smashing things
Since the Europeans have had recent successes smashing expensive equipment into other planets, it comes as no surprise to me that the ESA is now planning a "smash expensive equipment on the moon" mission:
Scientists are plotting out a “crash course” in learning what happens when a European lunar probe slams into the Moon.
No word if Frank J. managed to sneak "that special package" aboard SMART-1 before it launched. I guess we'll find out when we see a huge mushroom cloud afro on the Man In The Moon.
What I want to know is what has SMART-1 been doing all this time? It's not like you hear about it i nthe news with "SMART-1 discovered this" and "SMART-1 discovered that" like we were hearing about the Mars Rovers 24/7.
Outfitted with miniaturized instruments, SMART-1’s goal has been to gauge key chemical elements in the lunar surface, as well as look into the theory that the Moon was formed following the violent collision of a smaller planet with Earth long ago.
Aha. Now I see. I forgot that SMART-1 is a European probe. As we all know, just like Kansas, Science takes a backseat to Politics when it comes to Europe. So there can be only one conclusion: It's been scanning the lunar surface for a McDonalds to slam into and destroy.
"Do McDonalds burn in the lunar atmosphere?" will finally be answered. Bully for the ESA!
Argument Clinic - 2006
(news article link via Beth of Yeah, Right, Whatever)
81-year-old Myron Manders was listed by the Social Security Administration as being dead.
His showing up the SSA office to correct the error was insufficient to prove to them otherwise.
A transcript of the discussion - as captured by SSA security tapes of the incident - follows in the extended entry (with apologies to Monty Python)...
MYRON MANDERS: [Knock]
SOCIAL SECURITY: Come in.
MYRON MANDERS: Ah, Is this the right room to prove that I'm alive?
SOCIAL SECURITY: I told you once.
MYRON MANDERS: No you haven't
SOCIAL SECURITY: Yes I have.
MYRON MANDERS: When?
SOCIAL SECURITY: Just now.
MYRON MANDERS: No you didn't.
SOCIAL SECURITY: Yes I did.
MYRON MANDERS: You didn't
SOCIAL SECURITY: I did!
MYRON MANDERS: You didn't!
SOCIAL SECURITY: I'm telling you I did!
MYRON MANDERS: You did not!!
SOCIAL SECURITY: Oh, I'm sorry, just one moment. Are you actually alive, or just on paper?
MYRON MANDERS: Oh, I'm actually alive.
SOCIAL SECURITY: Ah, thank you. Anyway, I did.
MYRON MANDERS: You most certainly did not.
SOCIAL SECURITY: Look, let's get this thing clear; I quite definitely told you.
MYRON MANDERS: No you did not.
SOCIAL SECURITY: Yes I did.
MYRON MANDERS: No you didn't.
SOCIAL SECURITY: Yes I did.
MYRON MANDERS: No you didn't.
SOCIAL SECURITY: Yes I did.
MYRON MANDERS: No you didn't.
SOCIAL SECURITY: Yes I did.
MYRON MANDERS: You didn't.
SOCIAL SECURITY: Did.
MYRON MANDERS: Oh look, this isn't helping me prove I'm alive.
SOCIAL SECURITY: Yes it is.
MYRON MANDERS: No it isn't. It's just bureaucratic idiocy.
SOCIAL SECURITY: No it isn't.
MYRON MANDERS: It is!
SOCIAL SECURITY: It is not.
MYRON MANDERS: Look, you just acted like a bureaucratic idiot.
SOCIAL SECURITY: I did not.
MYRON MANDERS: Oh you did!!
SOCIAL SECURITY: No, no, no.
MYRON MANDERS: You did just then.
SOCIAL SECURITY: Nonsense!
MYRON MANDERS: Oh, this is futile!
SOCIAL SECURITY: No it isn't.
MYRON MANDERS: I came here to prove that I'm alive.
SOCIAL SECURITY: No you didn't; no, you came here to update the form that says you're deceased. Which you can't do because you're not alive.
MYRON MANDERS: Whether I'm alive or not isn't dependant on what's written on some silly government form.
SOCIAL SECURITY: It can be.
MYRON MANDERS: No it can't. Being alive is a medical status of continual cardiac, respiratory, and cerebral functionality.
SOCIAL SECURITY: No it isn't.
MYRON MANDERS: Yes it is! It's not a bloody checkmark on a form!
SOCIAL SECURITY: Look, dead people are indicated on this form by the word "deceased", aren't they?
MYRON MANDERS: Yes, but a scribble on a piece of paper is NOT the same thing as being a lifeless corpse bereft of the aninimating spirit!
SOCIAL SECURITY: Yes it is!
MYRON MANDERS: No it isn't!
SOCIAL SECURITY: Yes it is!
MYRON MANDERS: Life is an ongoing physical process. What's on the form is merely a subsidiary function of whether I am currently engaged in that process. My continued existence is the controlling factor for what's on that form.
SOCIAL SECURITY: No it isn't.
MYRON MANDERS: It is.
SOCIAL SECURITY: Not at all.
MYRON MANDERS: Now look.
SOCIAL SECURITY: [Rings bell] Good Morning.
MYRON MANDERS: What?
SOCIAL SECURITY: That's it. Good morning.
SOCIAL SECURITY: Sorry, the form still says you're dead.
MYRON MANDERS: I was never dead!
SOCIAL SECURITY: I'm afraid you are.
MYRON MANDERS: I'm not.
SOCIAL SECURITY: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to talk to dead people.
MYRON MANDERS: What?!
SOCIAL SECURITY: If you want me change the form to indicate that you're not dead, you'll have to be alive to do it.
MYRON MANDERS: Yes, but I *am* alive! Oh come on!
SOCIAL SECURITY: [Hums]
MYRON MANDERS: Look, this is ridiculous.
SOCIAL SECURITY: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to talk to you unless you're alive... and you pay the "updating the paperwork" fee...
MYRON MANDERS: Oh, all right.
SOCIAL SECURITY: Thank you.
MYRON MANDERS: Well?
SOCIAL SECURITY: Well what?
MYRON MANDERS: You can mark me down as being alive now.
SOCIAL SECURITY: I told you, I'm not allowed to talk to you unless you're not dead and you pay the fee.
MYRON MANDERS: I just paid!
SOCIAL SECURITY: No you didn't.
MYRON MANDERS: I DID!
SOCIAL SECURITY: No you didn't.
MYRON MANDERS: Look, I'm alive and I paid the fee.
SOCIAL SECURITY: Well, you couldn't have paid, because your file still lists you as being dead.
MYRON MANDERS: Aha! If I'm dead, why are you talking to me? I Got you!
SOCIAL SECURITY: No you haven't.
MYRON MANDERS: Yes I have. If you're talking to me, I must be alive and I must have paid.
SOCIAL SECURITY: Not necessarily. I could have stolen this money off your corpse.
MYRON MANDERS: Oh I've had enough of this.
SOCIAL SECURITY: No you haven't.
MYRON MANDERS: Oh Shut up!
IMAO - Now With More Estrogen!
Since Frank J. has finally seen fit to show his dainty side, I figure it's only fair that I should share the fact that - despite my gruff and bushy-faced exterior - I am actually a model of caring, sensitivity, and empathy. Princess Cat of A Swift Kick & A Band-Aid has the
March 06, 2006
24 Day 5 - 5 p.m. and 6 p.m. (liveblog, DVR-delayed)
Graphic violence is so wonderful! Let us praise the graphic violence warning! We're gonna be really disappointed one day if there's not graphic violence.
Previously on 24, Jack got stoopid and tricked by Robocop, Audrey made me almost like her, and Lynn went cuckoo for cocoa puffs, so Curtis jacked his position. Mr. Logan didn't save his wife, but CTU and Aaron did (3 terrorists, 3 bullets, 3 kills). The terrorist threatened President Estrogen.
Tony is awake! EEEEEEEE! Did you hear me smiling out loud? Tony's asking for Michelle, because he doesn't know she's dead. "Bill, can you get a message to Michelle? Tell her I'm ok?" "I would, Tony, but I don't have a ouija board handy. I'll just say that her condition is stable. And will be stable forever."
Everybody shhhhh! Aaron is going to speak! There are the Suvarovs, in one piece. Martha is crying, and Aaron is all business. Wuh-oh, Marty told Aaron that President Estro knew about the attack and let it happen. I hope Aaron goes all-business on Estro.
Terrorist guy is ordering a lackey to make sure everything is set, and then they're checking on the key card. Yeah, 'cause Rudy's sister's boyfriend beat him up and stole it and is using it to cut cocaine.
Estro is talking in hindsight about what a sucky president he is. Thanks for the newsflash.
Jack's calling to tell that he got duped. Chloe's hacked into Robocop's computer and found his address for Jack. Robo is calling Argentina to get access to his safety deposit box.
Curtis has found a schematic on one of the dead terrorists that Aaron killed. They're hoping it's the next attack's locale. I hope they figure out that it's CTU.
Soul-patch Tony has had enough of no one telling him that Michelle is dead. So he's like screw this, I'm getting out of bed and finding out myself. Bill finds him at a computer, where Tony is accessing Michelle's file to find out that she's deceased. Which totally sucks, by the way. I hate the writers! If I find out y'all killed Michelle to make way for a Soul Patch-Neckid Mandy love affair, I'm gonna be so mad. And I'll be even madder if it turns out that Kim dumps Chase for Tony, because my mind's eye can't handle those visualizations. Bleh.
Estro is meeting a helicopter (Marine 1?) that's carrying Martha and Aaron back from the wreckage. Martha is giving Estro that "don't you dare touch me ever again" look, and he's totally frightened. The Suvarovs are ticked, and the Russian president is not happy with Estro's poor security. Estro's asking for his cooperation and intelligence (God knows Logan doesn't have any of his own), and Suvarov mentions that Martha's been acting funny. Estro, of course, says she's nuts, and Suvarov storms off. I don't think S. believes Estro.
His sister wants to give him back the keycard, but her class-act boyfriend wants to sell it for 20 Gs to the highest bidder. And that terrorist guy who's coming to collect the keycard and kill the sister and boyfriend (right, like he's gonna let them live) -- he's been on ALIAS at least once, and I'm thinking more than once. I wanna say he played a guy named Yuri, but I couldn't be sure.
Anyway, Evelyn won't let Estro into see Marty. "She specifically told me that if any pansy Frenchmen come looking for her, I should spray them with teargas and stomp on their faces with my stiletto heels. Back away from the door, because I'm sure she was describing you." Of course, Evelyn still hasn't told Marty why Walt felt her up several episodes back. "Woops, I told him to."
What a girl. He can't even handle a woman, how can he be expected to handle a terrorist? Frank says women are worse than terrorists. Well that's true, but we're also prettier. Worth it.
There's a hospital that matches the schematics that CTU is looking at, and there is a terrorist setting up a canister at a hospital. He's super sneaky and wheeling the nerve gas in under a gurney.
Jack is breaking into Robocop's house.
Curtis is giving the hospital the skinny and is on his way to help. The guy in charge doesn't seem to be in a huge hurry, I wonder if he's involved.
Jack's talking to Robo's wife now, and she's quite sure he won't shoot her. Yeah? I shot my ex-girlfriend, I can shoot you too. He's at Robo's computer, and Chloe's on the line.
Aaron goes to see Martha, and they've decided to run away together. No wait. She's just thanking him for saving her life. No wait! She grabbed his hand! And Mike came in to destroy the nice moment. He wants to inform Martha that Estro really wants to talk to her. Marty's like, "So? I'm due for a pedicure soon. Pencil him in for never, mkay?" And Mike leaves, and Aaron's chasing after him going, "But nothing happened!" and Mike is going, "Make sure it doesn't!" and Aaron's going, "But she's so awesome, and she's married to that Brokeback twit, and why can't I quit her??"
Curtis is at the hospital, and there are ICU patients who can't be moved. Why isn't Rico Suave wearing his gas mask? I would be much more comfortable if he were. The evil gurney terrorist is calling his boss and telling him that they're evacuating the hospital and his boss is like, "Die if you have to. As long as I get my posh condo on the beach, and you kill a bunch of people, I have no preference whether you live or die."
Man. When there's not much Audrey, there's not much to make fun of. Estro is a one trick pony. "Wah wah wah!" That's about all he does.
Bill and Audrey are on the phone with Estro and Mike. Jack is trying to convince Robo's wife that Robo's bad. "Why do you hate him so much?" "Hmm, I dunno, he tried to make my internal organs external today. Tried to kill me even though I'm already dead like 3 times... I don't hate him. Love the sinner, hate the sin."
And Rico Suave is still walking through the hospital without a gas mask. They think they have a 20 on the hostile. Look at me with my cop talk. I think I got that from CSI Miami.
Rico just shot some guy dressed in hosptial whites. What, just because he had a gun? That's prejudice! Finally, Rico put his gas mask on, and they've found the armed canister. It looks bad, like it could go off.
Interesting. I'm only moments away from a new X-Men trailer. Lovely how they make a commercial that's about an upcoming commercial. "In a minute, we're going to show you an ad. You watch it!"
Chloe is in ready-to-snap mode. She's even got tears, and she's very frantic. This should be fun.
Jack has Robo at gunpoint with his disbelieving wife. Jack shows wifey all the money in Robo's briefcase, and she's so surprised! Bad hubby! Tell him what he wants to know! He doesn't, and Jack shoots wifey in the leg. "Jack, you shot me! Why didn't you shoot him, he's the terrorist!" "I thought he would love you, but he doesn't. My bad! Here's some cloth! Hold it there to stop the bleeding! Sorry about shooting you!"
Rico and his team get the canister to a containment unit with 2 seconds left! Whew, that was close! I can't believe they cut it so close!
And Mikey's sister and her boyfriend are killed by the terrorist who want's MIkey's keycard. Those stinking Fratellis! Let this be a lesson: drugs are bad!
That's the end of the first hour. A very action-packed power hour!
And 6 p.m. has graphic violence!
The terrorist guy who shot Mikey's sister picks up his casings and checks out the keycard in his SUV. Man, SUVs can do anything!
Ah crap. Kim Bauer has shown up at CTU. What a beating this will be: Kim and Audrey together in the same scenes. Time to gouge out my eyes. Jack tells Audrey to tell Kim that he's alive. And now we find out that Chase has left Kim, and Kim's with someone named Barry. And Audrey tells Kim, and Kim looks like a martyr. Oh yay, it'll be just like ALIAS, where all the chicks are martyrs. I just can't wait!
Ah, and we meet the vice president. WHICH MEANS ESTRO'S GONNA DIE OR RESIGN! Why else would we need to meet the vice president? And the Veep is giving revised estimates of the casualties. 400K is his estimate, and he wants to institute preemptive martial law. And you know, in California, they don't have guns. So it's not like they can riot, so why not do it? I mean, they can riot, but pounding their fists won't do much.
Jack arrives at CTU with Robo, who tells Jack that he'll be opening another whole box of Pandora's if he investigates what's up.
Yuri is at CTU, and Sydney Bristow is not around to pour her drink all over him. He gains access with the keycard, and the beep and boop take us to commercial.
Jack comes into the command center, and Audrey turns a cartwheel heading toward him. Whiney tells Jack where Kim is, and that she has a new boyfriend. Jack goes to see Kim, and his boyfriend fronts Jack. And Kim goes on and on about Barry, her new beau, whom I do not trust.
Terrorist Yuri is in CTU and headed toward the ventilation system. Well, I just didn't see that one coming! Just like I didn't expect the sun to rise in the morning! And Soul Patch Tony is talking to Bill, and you just KNOW that Tony's gonna totally kick some pinkytoe later when it matters.
Audrey tells Jack that Barry was Kim's psychologist. That Kim, she just can't catch a break, because you know Barry was just after her to find out if Jack was alive. I wonder if Barry likes cougars.
Jack tells an extra to start Robo on some lie-detecting procedures, and Robo is so nervous about having to tell the truth. I hope he's able to cope.
There's another commercial for the commercial. Just do it already and pat yourselves on the back. If you don't know how, ask Clooney for tips.
So now Martha goes for a smoke, and Mike comes to talk to her. He tells her that Estro needs her, prayed for her, etc. She tells him cut the crap and tell me what you want. He tells her about the martial law idea and says she should try to influence the president in a different direction. Well, at least Novick knows how to appeal to higher authorities (women).
Yuri is shutting down the ventilation system, and Carrie is very suspicious of the flag sent up by the environmental system. She brings it up with Edgar, who tells her to leave him alone. She puts on her red shirt and heads off to get dead.
Martha goes to see the president. I hope it's so she can punch him in the face, or borrow some estrogen from him. But man, she's actually forgiving him and telling him to get back to work. What a disappointment.
Carrie sees the canister, dials her phone, and gets stabbed in the back by that backstabbing Yuri. Bad backstabber!
The X-Men commercial isn't even HD-enhanced. How lame for a commercial that advertised itself twice.
Back to the show. The nerve gas is going off in 15 minutes, and we're 17 minutes from the end of the show. What timing!
Kim comes to see Chloe, surprised that Chloe still works there. Chloe blows off Kim, and Kim asks if Chloe knew about Jack. Chloe rants about how everyone who knew is either dead, injured, or her. So cut Jack some slack, will ya?
Bill tells Mikey that his sister is dead. Mikey freaks out about his keycard, and Bill calls Chloe to see if it's been used. It has, and she locks down CTU. Jack is in with Robo when the alarms start sounding. Jack goes looking for a terrorist, and can we please see Soul Patch in action?
So they see the guy on the monitors, but they can't find Carrie, because she's kinda dead. Yuri grabs a red shirt security guard and is using him to get out of CTU. Meanwhile, the alarms are going off, and can someone please shut those stupid things off? Red shirt is dead, and Jack is on his way to find Yuri. Jack sees the radio missing off the red shirt and chatters falsely with Bill so Yuri will fall into Jack's trap. Jack kills Yuri, Edgar lingers looking for Carrie and sees Carrie dead, and the gas goes off.
People start dropping like flies, they seal off 3 rooms and get most people into the sealed rooms, but some can't make it, and Edgar is locked out. Edgar is dead, Chloe is crying, I am crying. Oh Edgar.
Next week, someone else will die trying to get everyone out of CTU. I hope it's Lynn. No offense, I love Sean Astin, but I do not love his character, and it's all his fault that Edgar is dead.
and you thought frank's nip slip photo was disturbing -- check out everybody's favorite village idiot, Cindy Sheehan, getting busted in NYC today . . .
Oscar Announces Changes
Inspired by the brave and noble words of George Clooney, the Motion Picture Academy today announced a new category for gay pornography.
“We felt touched – deeply- by his words when he said, ‘We’re a little bit out-of-touch in Hollywood.’ For this reason, we felt it best to include a category that most deeply reflects the desires of those who most deeply affect motion pictures - critics”
“We’re excited about this change! Brokeback was only the beginning!”said a closeted spokesman. “We’re thinking this will be Fant-A-Boo-Lous!!”
Directors are already signing up to direct gay versions of all the current Hollywood hits including: Boy Crash – Good Night and Get Out - and Ca-Pooty. Additionally, the alternative family crowd is eagerly anticipating the newest offering - Very Curious George And The Man With The Big Yellow Banana.
Once again, Hollywood leads the charge in making America a better place.
Have Pen, Won't Travel
Apparently, famous writer Margaret Atwood believes that autographing books via remote-control robot is good enough for her fans.
Margaret Atwood has had enough of long journeys, late nights and writer's cramp.
Does this mean the end of the traditional sadistic publicist-demanded book tour, the bane of writers throughout history?
But the real question is whether Army Of Davids author and gadget-addict Glenn Reynolds will start resorting to a remote-controlled robotic puppy-blender to handle public appearances? Or do robotic puppy-blenders only blend robotic Sony Aibo puppies? (Wasn't that a Philip K. Dick novel?)
Hollywood Isn't Out of Touch; You Are
An Editorial by Frank J.
Many people think that Hollywood is out of touch with mainstream America; people who think that are crazy and stupid and full of themselves. Those who don't understand and cherish what Hollywood actors and directors bring to the important issues today are ignorant of both what's important in America and of Hollywood itself.
Hollywood people are better than us; if you don't believe that, then you are just jealous. These people are troopers. How often has an actor had the disappointment of their personal assistant forgetting to take the crust off of his sandwich but went on to perform anyway? Sure, he threw a fit, fired the assistant, and pouted in his trailer for two hours, but these people are humans; not gods. And that makes what they do all the more impressive. Still, you want to lecture them on what's right and wrong, and you don't even have a personal assistant.
"It's true; you're gay!"
Where in the world do you get this idea you know anything? I know where Hollywood people get their experience. They have tons of different marriages, oodles of out of wedlock children, and more drug problems than all of South America. That's real world experience that informs them better than the silly, unimportant lives you people have. And, with all these life problems plus fancy parties plus check ups with their plastic surgeons, you know they have little time to spend learning about world issues, so they spend that time well. How many political fundraisers have you been invited to? Yet you think you know anything about war or social issues better than George Clooney? Do you know how ignorant you sound when you say that?
Still, with all this disdain you shovel upon them, they do all they can to educate you. But what do you do? You spit at it! Did you even go to see Brokeback Mountain? Ang Lee slaved on that movie to make you a better person, but you didn't want to watch it. Know why? Because deep down you know you're gay. It's true; you're gay! Yes, you'll go see Ang Lee's The Hulk because you aren't afraid that you will become large and green if angered, but you're just too afraid of the gay cowboy inside you to see a story about real love. And, if you won't even admit to you being afraid of your gayness, how can we trust anything else you say?
Hollywood actors are rich, live pampered lifestyles, and are sheltered from consequences; this gives them a view of society that you don't have. Up on their pedestals, they have a view of the world you could never even imagine. And, when they read something on a paper, and then they go on TV and say stuff about it to make things happen. They’re important; that's why they don't like regular people making eye-contact with them. What do you do when you hear about an issue? Nothing... or you blog about it which is next to nothing. So what is Hollywood out of touch with? You and your boring life? These people don't only know the issues, they've acted in movies and TV specials about these issues. You’ve acted in nothing; you're just ignorant. I mean, what level scientologist are you? Do you even know about the threat of Xenu? I bet your precious "Jesus" didn't tell you about that one.
So stop being a fool and worship and offer sacrifices to those in Hollywood who deign us worthy of their opinions. And, if you want to add to the debate, you show me where your Walk-of-Fame star is. Oh, you don't have one? Then you shut up!
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is a frequent contributor to IMAOPodcast.com. He is also the author of such books as "I, For One, Welcome Our Hollywood Overlords" and "How to Train Your Personal Assistant (Hardcover Edition So You Can Whap Your Personal Assistant with This If He Made You Throw a Fit)".
It's actually pretty hard out there for a pimp
After listening to the Oscar ceremony, I have come to the conclusion that it's actually pretty hard out there for a pimp:
So if you're a pimp, my heart goes out to you. And thank goodness the actors and actresses of the world have come together to salute your tireless service.
I didn't stay up to watch it (SarahK did; one of the few nights when went to bed at different times) but Crash won best picture. It was the only movie nominated for Best Picture that I saw, but it was actually an entertaining film - not some boring and depressing flick that all the critics think is so great. I recommend everyone rent it (or put it on your Netflix queue if you're like me). Some people thought it was schlock, but Sarah and I both really liked it. As soon as we finished, we said, "Now that film deserves to win some Academy Awards." Didn't expect Best Picture, but even the stopped clocks at Hollywood can getting something right every so often.
What Happens Outside, Stays Outside
We had Rowdi out with us while working on the yard. I had gone inside for a second, and when I came out, Minerva snuck out the door. Rowdi bounded after Minerva, jerking the leash from Sarah's hand and chased Minerva until that cat climbed 12 feet straight up a tree trunk. I held Rowdi down, but she wouldn't calm, and Minerva had her claws out until she was brought back inside.
So, later that day, Rowdi is back to her the kitchen, and Minerva walks over into it with no fear whatsoever. They both then ignored each other as usual.
The dog training stuff all says that once the dog can do obedience perfectly indoors, it's a different game as soon as you go outside. From the looks of it, Minerva had no idea it was Rowdi that terrorized her, and Rowdi had no idea it was Minerva that she had such a great time chasing.
Anyway, after having her two weeks, Rowdi has a nearly perfect sit on command (even outside with other people around; she is quite impressive to our other neighbors with dogs) and walks slightly behind us with a loose leash, so we'll cut her a little slack for just being a dog every so often.
March 05, 2006
Well, the Academy dodged a bullet today by passing on Paradise Now for best Foreign Film.
No. Really. They dodged a literal bullet. A Mossad hit squad was waiting outside the Kodak Theater. All it would take was a signal from Ytzhak Perlman holding a long Middle C on his violin, and every single person in there would have been target practice.
That green suit that Ben Stiller wore? It was a full-body bulletproof suit to keep him from getting killed by stray fire.
I mean, if Ben's dead, how can they make Zoolander 2, right?
please pray for george clooney
who, while accepting his oscar for best supporting actor, severely injured his right shoulder while patting himself and hollywood on the back -- apparently we have holllywood to thank for every good thing that has happened in the known universe in the last 100 years
No-So-Great Moments in Cross-Cultural Communication
Sometimes outreach works, sometimes it doesn't.
Frank Advice Finally Reaches the Bush Administration
Glenn Reynolds and his wife Helen Smith have their latest podcast out. The first guests are cardiologist Dr. Wes Fisher and Laurie Anderson of WebMD who discuss a subject very near and dear to them (no, not smoothies). The second guest, though, is Homeland Security Assistant Secretary Stewart Baker, who reacts to my advice on port security. Do I get a consulting job to Homeland Security as a result? You'll have to listen to find out.
As for the IMAO Podcast, which, as always, has absolutely no one important in it, will be out soon. The recordings are done, but the mixing is still needed and has been delayed due to recent events (you could say a dog ate our podcast).
See you Monday with more of my great blogging (and, as usual, my lowly paid co-bloggers will add their two cents whenever they feel like it).
morons on parade . . .
March 04, 2006
Nagin campaigns for the Zombie, Vegetable, Bum, and Figment Vote
I knew something foul, disgusting, and pathetic was stinking up the otherwise beautiful Friday air... Ray Nagin was campaigning in Houston the other day.
Never mind the fact that he's bought a house in Dallas and sent his kids to private schools there. Gotta visit the folks he swept under Houston's rug to deal with, you know. Votes is votes, even if you've made them somebody else's problem.
Here's the kicker:
New Orleans residents in Houston and elsewhere are eligible to vote by absentee ballot. Nagin emphatically said during the meeting that he expects to win the election.
That's right. While you're letting John Q. taxpayer pay for your hotel room, meals, your ten kids in overcrowded schools, and the cable bringing you wall-to-wall soap operas to watch while mexicans clear out the rubble and rebuild New Orleans, your input is still needed to rubberstamp the man who abandoned you at the Superdome to drown back into office.
But it doesn't just end with you. After all, you have a pulse and somewhat coherent brainwave activity. What about those who don't even have those things? Can't discriminate against them... it would be racist. (Being a free-roaming hygiene-impaired mental patient is a race, you know. It's in the Bible somewhere. Look it up.)
New Orleans, like many corrupt municipalities, has a problem with large numbers of ballots coming from residents of cemeteries, retirement home coma patients, homeless bums with stacks of registrations to church out for cash, and outright imaginary people. How are we going to make sure that Houston corpses, vegetables, bums, and imaginary people vote only for Houston candidates and not vote twice by voting absentee in elections in New Orleans as well?
Ray Nagin is counting on every rusty and wobbly cog of his shattered political machine to come back together to grind him out another victory. Living or dead, coherent or comatose, one or many-fold, or even legimately a part of our universe - it doesn't matter. He wants the government to build New Orleans back up, and that included the disgustingly corrupt election procedures and absent quality-control which made it the partially fetid stinkhole disaster site with trolleycars and gamblinghouses instead of reinforced levees it is today.
But the law is the law, and it must be enforced. No man is above it, even if it's a jackass in a suit blaming Bush over and over hundreds of feet up in a Coast Guard helicopter yanking people from rooftops. I say absentee voting needs to be stopped for this election so that only those cemetery, nursing home ward, underpass, and fantasyland residents who have shown their desire to participate in the rebuilding of New Orleans should be rewarded with helping rebuild its political structure.
Keep the crooked vote local, dammit!
March 03, 2006
Glenn Reynolds - What's He Hiding?
Which makes wonder how he knows so much about illicit items such as this that he could confirm or deny its legitimacy from a thousand miles away. Isn't that more knowledge than a simple country lawyer should have?
Made me wonder what he's been up to, so I tossed his house while he was out pimping his book, and although I didn't find any chemical or biological weapons, I *did* find the following suspicious items:
* A scale model of New Orleans with signs near Lake Pontchartrain saying "levee bombs go here".
* An original vintage 1960's Easy Bake Meth Lab.
* A copy of John Wayne Gacy's "Clowning For Dummies".
* A Samurai sword forged in 593 B.C., with the metal in the blade folded over 200 times.
* A first edition of "To Serve Man", in the original Kanamit.
* The shrunken head of Steven Den Beste.
* Michele Malkin's minced kitten brownie recipe.
* A "Tickle Me Osama" doll.
* A small vial of something which I did not smell, and therefore assume to be Iocane powder.
I also found a voice-operated blender in every room with varying amounts of leftover puppy coagulating in them, but these didn't strike me as being odd.
All I have to do now is figure out what he plans to do with all this stuff...
2006 In Review, So Far: Political Version
Lot of people review the year at the end of it. We here at IMAO.US like to beat the rush.
2006 In Review, So Far.
Judge Samuel Alito was confirmed and sworn in as a Justice in the Supreme Court. For the first time in history the number of women on the bench went down. This after a long torturous series of Senate hearings during which Democrats on the committee felt dishonor bound to make major league donkeys out of themselves. A filibuster was attempted but was completely ineffective and many of us laughed heartily at them trying. HAH!
At long last a crack team of "Where's Waldo" enthusiasts located a photo that showed convicted lobbyist Jack Abramoff in the same room with George W Bush, finally proving conclusively that they are, in fact, not the same person. Now if they can find one with Bush and Hitler we may be able to debunk the lefts core platform.
Cartoons published in the Danish pess depicting Mohammed have infuriated many members of the Religion Of Peace (ROP) causing a vast letter writing campaign across the Arab world which eventually led them to convene a Blue Ribbon panel to reconsider their nickname. On the list of proposed new nicknames:
V.P.Richard Cheney shot a lawyer in the face. He compounded this mistake by failing to report the incident to the media, and instead selfishly sought medical treatment for this friend. The major media outlets felt robbed of a scoop, they got no pictures of cheney holding the gun. Despite heart trouble the media was not able to downgrade Cheney from mean and carelss and drunk to murderer.
Civil unrest in Iraq erupted when someone who wanted the Shia majority mad at the Sunni minority blew up a bomb at the golden dome. Sunni said what are you nuts? we know you have us outnumbered?, We'll pay to repair it just quit killing us." And civil war was averted.
Other things happened in politics but they are not listed here.
American Idol Annoyances
-Warning Apolitical Alert-
I enjoy watching American Idol.
I have noticed a number of things that I've forgiven before but now are really beginning to chafe me.
Here is my airing of grievances.
Every year, before the hollywood eliminations, we see the severely musically challenged get a chance to perform then sent packing with some choice insults from Simon, usualy the more deluded of the lot pack some heated words on the way out. I would rather see the entire top 10 percent of the actually talented. Then see them whittled down to a final 1 percent who get to go to hollywood. The comically pathetic crap can be lumped together on an American Idol: Worse Than Bad show or series of shows. I am insulted that AI producers show a few Awesome, a few meh, and a few bleh and expect me to think there aren't more that fit in the first category and the blehs couldn't be weeded out entirely.
Judges bug me for scolding the contestants for poor song choice. If you don't want them siging certains songs or certain artists are taboo, I've got an idea: try this on. QUIT PUTTING THEM ON THE LIST OF SONGS TO CHOOSE FROM. Tell me if that works.
Ryan 'we'll find out, after these messages' Seacrest stop telling us, the T.V. audience, we've only got ourselves to blame when somebody goes home. What? You mean if there were enough votes. NOBODY would go home and NOBODY would be to blame? Wow, I've totally misunderstood how the show works, I guess. No, you are a moron, lowest vote getters are goners no matter what.
Paula Abdul. Paulyanna Alcoholic-dul, everyone isn't awesome. every performance isn't wonderful. I know that's probably just the vodka talking but it needs to shut up. Also, this habit you have of telling the really young men you just love them looks really, really bad considering what happened between the sheets..., I mean what happened between you and that kid last year. You come across as needy and well, pathetic. Also Paula, if you ever want to see what an alcoholic looks like, I suggest you take a long hard look in the mirror. Because that blurry looking, middle aged woman halfway wearing your clothes you see there, smart money says, she is one. Let's see you do a show this season stone-cold-sober.
Randy, name dropping is something the lame make a habit of. We KNOW you work in the music industry. It's not like you've never mentioned it before. Funny though, if Idol didn't exist, would anyone, anywhere ever drop your name. I doubt it, dog.
Simon, you may be right all the time, but saying so makes you look boorish and rude. That, my limey frend, is a quality we Americans prefer to see from other Americans, not foreigners.
That's all that's chafing me at the current time. The whole fake drama on elimination night was annoying before but they seemed to have removed some of it.
Sure, some of the IMAO bloggers have cats, but apparently I'm the only one of them brave enough to Friday Catblog. Maybe they're worried that Japanese will riot and burn down Hello Kitty stores or something.
Anyway, today it's Frisky the Soupmonger:
If you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Frisky is... um...
March 02, 2006
American Idol 5 top 20 elimination night
I wanna hear about your drunken suntan.
image by the evil and fake sarahk
Yay! More people are going home tonight! And Carrie Underwood will be performing; I love her whole CD, so I'm looking forward to this.
And the 20 are singing "Love the One You're With." Oh, but I do! He's the sweetest, and the cutest, and I love him the best! Ok, so what is Paris wearing, and same for Mandisa? I totally dig Melissa's camo pants, though.
Hmm, the ones whose song choice was sooo awful this week: sang Stevie Wonder.
Yay, it's Carrie Underwood! She really seems like a good, nice person. And I love the "Jesus Take the Wheel" song, and I love that she can sing it on this show. Carrie looks absolutely fabulous. She is so beautiful. I love the dress (though I'd love it more with sleeves), I love her hair, I love everything about her voice. I honestly believe she's going to be at the top of country for a very long while. Oh, and there's the little clone up in the rafters singing along, every word. Except she's so fake that you know she's like the 4th clone of the 4th clone and can't hit any of those notes that Carrie sings.
Girls first: Kinnik is in the bottom 3, as I expected. And she really sounded good tonight on that group song. Darnit, Kellie is safe. I may start calling her Jasmine. Or Jaskellie. Or Kellmine. Anyway, so Brenna is also in the bottom 3, as expected. Heather is also in the bottom 3.
Ok, so I think Heather and Brenna should go, but I think it will be Heather and Kinnik.
Wow, I'm wrong! Oh, I'm so glad about Brenna, and I don't feel sorry for her, because she's not even nice. But I do feel sorry for Heather and Kinnik, who have to wait until after her song and the break to find out which one of them is going home. I think Heather, and if Heather is gone, then America actually voted my way. And now, after the break, Heather is also gone. She's a nice girl, just not as good vocally as the others. Is it just me, or did the whole salad/pizza thing make no sense? In joke? Inuendo that I don't get? Ok, singing herself out, Heather is much better than Tuesday night. If she'd sung like that Tuesday night, I probably would have voted for her. She surprised me tonight. Well, best wishes to her.
Ugh, Ace is not in the bottom 3, and no one read my blog and corrected the song title. Song is STILL called "If You're Not the One". Says so on my Daniel Bedingfield CD. Sway is in the bottom 3. Taylor's safe, and LOL. "Do you think you're in the bottom 3?" "No no no no no." David's in the bottom 3. I really hope he stays. Chris is safe, and Taylor rubbed his bald head, haha. Gedeon's safe. Kevin's in the bottom 3. Sway and Kevin should go.
NOOOO. David's the first to go. That makes me a bit sad. Poor kid, he won't get to eat as much. Man, I feel bad, too, because I tried to vote for him and the line was busy and I was sleepy so I didn't try again. But the line was busy for Taylor, Chris, and Elliott, too. I'm such a bad voter.
I've not been a fan of Sway, but he's such a nice guy. Good grief, it's only an hour show, Paula, can't you lay off the booze for 60 teeny minutes?
So it's Sway that goes, and I'm a little sad, because he's really nice. Definitely not one of my favorite performers, but as of last night one of the more likeable people on the show. And then there's Kevin standing behind him, trying to dance in rhythm. Trying and failing.
So that's what, 50% on my predictions tonight. I predicted Kinnik, Heather, Sway, Kevin.
So now i'm at 62.5% for the season.
Before seeing next week's performances, talent-wise, Ace and Kevin should go home, as should Kellie and probably Kinnik, unless she steps up and sings like she can. However, I think it will be Will & Kevin (though Gedeon is probably on the bubble too), Kinnik & Melissa.
Important Security Question
With the deal between the U.S. and India on nukes, did we first make them promise to implement strict measure to keep Hanuman the Monkey God from getting his hands on the nuclear technology?
I won't be able to sleep until I know the answer.
What was President Bush doing when the levees broke?
Sitting next to them in a lawn chair, sipping an iced tea, and laughing. What President would want to miss a good levee break he had advanced knowledge of?
Bad, Bad Dog!
Thanks for all the prayers, readers. I really think Rowdi is going to make a great addition to our happy little family. She did recently get in a bit of trouble, though.
Last night, I accidentally left the gate to the kitchen open, and Rowdi got out. I thought she was going to chase the cats, but, instead, she ran right into our bedroom. So, I called, "Rowdi, come!" Rowdi then trotted out of the room with my favorite 1911 in her mouth. That was a bit worrisome, but I don't keep a round in the chamber at home. "Drop it, Rowdi," I told her. And she did, but then she held the gun down with her paw as she gripped the slide with her mouth and raked it. I knew that wasn't good for the finish, but, to make it worse, Rowdi picked the gun back up in her mouth, pointing it at me gangster-style with one of her big teeth resting right on the trigger.
At this point, I remembered what the Dog Whisperer from the National Geographic Channel always says: Be calm and assertive. So, I stood up straight and told Rowdi, "Put down that gun, unload it, and kick it over here." Rowdi whimpered a bit, but I stood tall staring right at her. Finally, she put the gun down, hit the magazine release with her paw, and then raked the slide again to eject the round. "Kick it here," I told her, and, a bit reluctantly, she kicked it across the floor to me. I then told her she was a good dog and gave her a treat. A big mistake a lot of dog owners make is yelling at the dog when he or she is doing bad but not praising the dog for good behavior. That means it's important I praise Rowdi when she is not pointing a gun at me and thus she'll associate not threatening my life with treats and praise.
Who Is Scared of Chickens?
I never understood the phrase "And now the chickens have come home to roost." People say that like it's threatening, but, if chickens were trying to roost somewhere I didn't like, I'd just punt them over the fence. I prey on chickens; that's why people call me a chicken hawk.
Carnival of Comedy #44 is UP at the Platypus Society
But Is it? Speaking from the lofty postion of carnival of comedy director, I must speak with utter and complete unbiased-ness. Truly each carnival of comedy is the greatested carnival ever. And not just because of the association with IMAO.US and yours truly (me). Rather each carnival of comedy is the greatested carnival ever primarily because of the association with IMAO.US and yours truly (still me). We're sure there are other reasons too. However obscure they may be.
Go read the Greatest Carnival Ever! You bet it is, they all are.
BTW, good job, Chris.
Happy 170th, Texas!
I'd say something about today being the 170th anniversary of Texas gaining independence from Mexico and becoming its own nation, but Harvey's got the "Fun Facts" franchise here at IMAO and he's wicked-fast with a blade.
So instead, I'll list my favorite flavors of ice cream:
10. Rocky Road
Pundits and Me
Michelle Malkin likes that book I got, Menace in Europe (now available to the hoi polloi, and also links to the Glenn and Helen podcast in which our favorite puppy blender and his wife (who looks totally out of Glenn's league) interviews the author, Claire Berlinksi.
Some may wonder why the Master of Evil of the Blogosphere has been linking to IMAO more often. That's because we're now a member of Pajamas Media and even got a big fat check. Since we hope to overthrow the MSM and become even fatter and lazier than they ever were, we need to stick together.
March 01, 2006
American Idol 5 top 10 guys
NOTE: This, if you couldn't tell, was posted by SarahK. Until we get her laptop fixed, we share computers and this sometimes happens.
VOTE FOR TAYLOR. THE END.
Ok, fine, if you insist. Let's consult the manual, boys: No Stevie Wonder, no Jackson 5, no boring songs. If you disobey my commands, I shall smite you with the non-vote. Wooooo. Scary, I know. Where's my knife for stabbing my eardrums, because Ryan just said those two words, "Marvin Gaye". Listen, I'm all about Sexual Healing (it's good for the soul and was my favorite song when I was 5), but come on. Not for American Idol. Capice?
Taylor's going first, and Chris last. So I've figured out the format. Bookend the rest with the best so people tune in for the beginning and the end. Not a bad strategy, except that some folks will simply switch over to LOST at 9:00, because Taylor's already done.
And look! There's Kellie Pickler in the Dawg Pound, Paula's Poodle Kennel, or Simon's Staffordshire Spot, whichever you prefer. I wonder if she's ever seen a staaaage beefore!!
IDOLS 01... I heart Taylor. Sounds like he's enjoying his fame, except that he doesn't want people to, you know, know he's famous. Oh Taylor, if I didn't heart you so, I would totally smack you for that. He's singing "Easy" by the Commodores. I'm not pleased with the song choice, because holy cow, BOOOOOORING. Until I hear him sing it. It's better than the Commodores (for reals, y'all), and I cannot help but grin giddily whenever he sings. It was great. Randy, you stop smokin' crack before I come banish you to the Dawg House. And Paula, you shut up. Simon at least has good advice. But don't worry, y'all, because if everyone VOTES FOR TAYLOR, he'll sail through to the next round. Simon, you give me back my keyboard and stop writing my lines. BTW, the Commodores and Lionel Richie are hereby banned. Take note, contestants. Because if anyone else in this pack of 10 had done that, I would have been looking for my eardrum-stabbing icepick. (See? We've moved on to icepick now.)
IDOLS 02... Next is Elliott Yamin, and there are a lot of ignorant jerks out there who seem to have a problem with this, so I'm not going to mention that he's (allegedly) Jewish. He's singing the cleverly titled "Moody's Mood for Love" by James Moody. If he puts me in a mood, I'm gonna get moody about it. Anyway, so he's talking about his mother, and LOL, I'm removing the (allegedly) from that prior sentence. His mother said she's farklempt, so I'm going with Jewish. That's so cute. He has such a nice voice. And his mom, who was sick, is better now. Good for her. So... onto the singing... Hmm. He sang it really well... I wasn't expecting crooning from him... Umm. I don't know, I just don't know. It was well-sung (very well-sung), but oh so boring. Even with those fast little vocal ditties, it was boring. Okie dokie, lemme repeat myself for the gigateenth time: SONG CHOICE SONG CHOICE SONG CHOICE. I'm rilly gonna become intolerant soon if y'all don't shape up. One thing: When I was listening to this, I was thinking of our honeymoon cruise. Frank and I would go down to the Sessions Lounge every night after dinner and listen to Bobby Hamilton sing the standards and blues, and we would just calmly unwind. We went to that lounge every night for Mr. Hamilton (nice man, too), and it was our favorite part of the cruise. But his advantage: he plays a mean piano. So unless you're gonna play like him, you have to avoid the lackluster songs.
IDOLS 03... Ace Young. He's singing "If I'm Not Made for You" by Daniel Bedingfield. I wonder if he means, "If You're Not the One"? Yep, that's what he means. Goodness, "Ace", at least get the title right. So now I'm already annoyed. And he sings, and I insist he pay Daniel Bedingfield much in punitive damages for murdering such a wonderful song. Adam, Boy, why are you not on this show? I've heard Adam sing this song soooo many times sooooo much better than that, and it just breaks my heart that he's not on the show. Of course, he should audition if he wants to make it. Anyway. The judges are praising this horribly off-key performance (the only good notes of which were the falsetto notes), and thank goodness Simon is there to bring the kooks back down to Earth. I must say this: It was a fantastic song choice, because wow, what a wonderful song to showcase every part of a range, and what a wonderful song period. If only he hadn't destroyed the song. Also, Adam wears a beanie way better than "Ace". Get off my stage.
IDOLS 04... Gedeon. I really like this kid and hope he does well. And then I hear the first 3 notes of the song and I already know: This is a song that people want to have slow, meaningful sex to. But no one wants to listen to that in the car!! And really, I'd rather just put on the Soundscapes channel for sex than the channel that plays this slow... sexyouup... getdownslow... letsgetiton music. Or do it a capella, for that matter. DADGUMMIT, CHILDREN!! DO Y'ALL HAVE A LIST OF LIKE 5 BORING ARTISTS TO CHOOSE FROM???? Ok, even after my little tangent rant, I must say that it was probably the best he could have done WITH SUCH A BORING SONG. I really like his voice.
IDOLS 05... Kevin Covais. Let's be honest. I loved his initial audition. It's kinda gone down from there for me. And tonight, he's singing "I Heard It Through the Grapevine", which I cannot take seriously ever since my mom went as one of those singing California Raisins for Halloween way back in the day. By in the day, I mean back when I was in junior high. * sigh * No one listens to me. Anyway... he gets emails from 12 and 13 year-old girls now, and he thinks it's almost like he's a sex symbol. Poor child. 12 and 13 year-old girls also like stick-on Barbie, so you can't really judge it by them. The performance was soooo boring that I could hardly bear it. Better than last week due to confidence, but where is my pillow. Thank goodness Simon has a good head on his shoulders. LOL, apparently Rowdi likes Kevin, because when Simon made the reality-based comment, Rowdi grunted and growled a bit.
Does anyone have a bottle of wine? 'Cause I sure could use one to soak my feet in right now. Because see, now, after this hideous song choice halfway point, I have to listen to Sway Penala. And really, could someone just tell me about their suntan while we forget he's even on the screen?
IDOLS 06... Jose "Sway" Penala. That's cute, the thing about his family being brought together over this. Almost makes me want to like him. BUT HE'S SINGING STEVIE WONDER. Is Stevie paying Fox a lot of money? Seriously, y'all are killing me. "Joy (Takes Over Me)"... I'd be falling asleep if I wasn't interpretive dancing in my livingroom right now. Anyway, Simon said "ain't". I think we're Americanizing him. He does watch FoxNews and whatnot. "Maybe it was the wrong song choice for me this week."
READ MY BLOG. I'VE BEEN SAYING SOMETHING OR OTHER ABOUT STEVIE WONDER, AND I CAN'T HELP IF Y'ALL WON'T LISTEN.
IDOLS 07... Fred Savage. Wait, what's his name? Will Makar. Ok, y'all are ALL forbidden to vote for Will Makar ever again. "I got to meet Justin Guarini, which was really cool." Where'd ya meet him? The checkout line at the local Dollar General? And wow, was he still a big joke when ya met him? Is that why it was kewl? He's singing "Lady" by Kenny Rogers. Now I totally heart Kenny Rogers, so he better not butcher this. I'm sorry, did you miss the part of the CD sleeve that says this is a country song? You're not allowed to sing Kenny as pop. It's like against the law in Texas. That's like trying to sing Willie Nelson as pop. You are hereby kicked out of Texas forever. 4FR! The good news is, you didn't sing Jackson 5; the bad news is, you sang Kenny all wrong. Bad dog. I mean, bad Will.
Speaking of dogs, I just went to the potty. And I just peed on the pooper scooper. No joke. After Rowdi's ginormous dump today, I had to put the scooper in the toilet to soak, and woops, with the cat vet appointment and all, I forgot to take the scooper out of the toilet (we got back from our walk just before I had to take the critters to the doc).
IDOLS 08... Bucky Covington is singing a Chris Gaines song. "He puts the rock into country." Probably because Garth is a country POSER. At least that's what us Texans think. Oklahomans (but they can't be trusted) might disagree. Too bad he didn't sing "Papa Loved Mama", because that would have been fun. At first I was bored, but ya know, dawg, he made it his own and brought it home in the end. But really. "Mama's in the graveyard, Papa's in the pen" is way better than "Another love grows cold all the sleepless nights, blah blah blah." Of course, I agree with Simon. A good opening act for the main events (Taylor and Chris). Have I ever told y'all how much I hate sweet tea? Disgusting. Tea and sugar are not meant to DO IT.
IDOLS 09... David Radford, the crooner. LOL, for his audition, he used his mom's cell phone charger as a belt, because his pants were falling down. Sweet, a good song choice. YAY! He's singing "The Way You Look Tonight." I danced to this song with Spidade and Pappy at my wedding. So I'm a bit partial to this song. That was great, I'm happy with his performance. I wasn't bored at all, he was great, he didn't do that wacky freaky-dance thing that he did last week, so I'm happy. Maybe the difference between the judges and me is that I listened to him with my eyes closed, and I really think that helps him. I'm voting for him. BTW, he reminds me of Harry Connick Jr. Not the sound, Harry is all his own, but the look and the cuteness.
IDOLS 10... Chris is doing "Hemmorhage" by Fuel. Can we call him Soul-Patch Chris? Let's do. I know I'm voting for him before I even hear him, because let's face it: the top 3 will be Soul-Patch Chris, Taylor, and Mandisa. He's even got all that rocker charisma going on. I really like him. When he sings, he makes me hug myself. Does that make sense, or am I just talkin' crazy? Say, all the resta ya's, why don't y'all talk to Chris about song choice, because he's always got it. He was the best tonight. VOTE FOR HIM!
In order of vocal performance tonight (voting for the *s):
My predictions: I still think Kinnik and Heather are gone tomorrow night. Will's too cute to go yet, so it will be Sway and Kevin.
Secret Weapon for the War on Terror
According to this story, a slain soldier's widow successfully sued a guy who was giving money to Al Qaeda, which means that - thanks to one of the few lawyers not shot by Dick Cheney - the War on Terror is $102 million dollars closer to being over.
It occurs to me there's another underutilized American resource that could be put to work fighting Islamofascism - Pakistani cab drivers!
TERRORIST: Take me to government building where I can murder innocent people! ULULULULULULU!
PCD: I cannot please to be speaking your English! I get you hotel? Airport? Cocaine? Hookers? Durka! Durka!
TERRORIST: Jihad! Jihad!
PCD: Look Mohammed, I only talk that way to screw with the Yuppies. I don't actually speak your wacky Arab monkey-jabber durka-durka crap! Either take the broads & coke or get the hell out of my cab!
TERRORIST: Fine! I'll get someone else to take me! [gets out, slams door]
PCD: The only place you're going is between the treads of my Goodyear All-Season radials, you terrorist bastard! [sound of squealing tires]
TERRORIST: AIEEEEEE! *squish!*
PCD: USA! USA! USA!
God bless our patriotic geographically-imported transportation engineers.
Carnival Of Comedy Reminder
Tomorrow March 2nd - Carnival of Comedy #44 will be hosted by Chris at Platypus Society.
As his blog title suggests, Chris has dedicated his life to exploring the rich and hertofore unknown lives and vibrant culture of the platypii, a race of sentient egg laying mammals, native to North America, kept down by the Man.
Want to host? Email me at email@example.com with "Host Carnival Of Comedy" as the subject.
Amusing . . .
I'm not sure what amuses me more about this undoctored photo:
1. That the Germans actually think the U.N. has a chance of catching anybody doing anything of importance?
Attack Of The (Usher) Clones
An AP headline reads: Two Ushers Shot During Kanye West Concert.
Wait... there's two Ushers? My God, I take a break from celebrity news for a week, and Usher clones himself? I didn't realize that Usher had added Mad Scientist to musician, writer, record producer, and actor on his resume.
If two Ushers were shot, does that mean... God perish the thought, there's more of them? Perhaps... just perhaps... is this how Usher will populate Usher World? With legions upon legions of Usher clones?
The Usher Clone Army must be stopped!
Thank goodness that Kanye West is telling his people to go out and shoot the Usher clones. You know, to keep the world from being conquered by the Usher Army to create Usher World.
Although... maybe... Kanye West is cloning himself too? And the Usher clones are getting in the way of Kanye West clones.
This is far more sinister than I previously thought. And terrifying, too.
Perhaps George Bush doesn't hate black people after all. He just hates the black people who clone themselves.
In My World: One Day Dockside
Bush set a pencil on top of his stapler and then tried to karate chop it in two, but it instead flew across the room. "One day I'll master my kung fu and smite my enemies... especially those at the New York Times!"
The hooded figure of Karl Rove emerged from the shadows. "Our plan with the ports is going as foreseen."
"There's a plan?" Bush asked, "So far nothing seems to be happening except everybody hating me."
"All of this is predicted by The Book of Punditry," Rove intoned as he held up a large book.
"Really? Let me see that..." Bush reached for the book, but Rove then faded back into the shadows as he laughed evilly. "I really should listen to Laura about worrying more about Rover eating my soul," Bush grumbled. He then stood up. "Well, if people are concerned about port security, I'll show initiative and check out the ports myself to make sure this UAE deal won't harm America."
Bush stormed out of his office. "Don't forget your mittens!" Laura called out to him.
But it was too late.
* * * *
"Hey, President Bush is in the hizouse!"
"This is a port, not a house, moron," yelled a worker.
"Whatever," Bush said as he looked around the port. Then he spotted someone. "Ha! An Arab!" Bush declared as he approached a worker. "I knew you guys were going to try to sneak in here!"
"I'm a Mexican, you stupid gringo."
"Well... uh... then where's your green card?"
"I don't need no green card." Bush thumped his chest. "I'm the President of the United States."
Bush searched his pockets. "Man, I don't where my Presidential ID card is! I hope it's not stolen, or someone could be out there pretending to be me and pardoning everybody."
The Mexican stared at Bush for a moment. "Hey! I recognize you now! You're that American President who keeps bothering me."
Bush brightened up. "And you're my old friend, The Mexican!"
The Mexican pulled out a switchblade. "I never did get to cut you!"
Bush squealed as he ran away from the Mexican, but then he rammed into a group of men. When he looked up at them, he exclaimed, "Hey! You're Muslim terrorists!"
"What?" yelled one angrily, "Why do people always stereotype us?"
Bush stood up. "It's just that..."
"It's just what? Because you see a bunch of Arabs with AK-47s chanting, 'Death to America!' and carrying around odd looking canisters, you just immediately think 'terrorists,' huh?"
"You're a stereotyper, that's what you are!"
Bush hung his head. "I'm sorry. I don't mean to stereotype."
"You better be sorry, or we'll kill you with the rest of the infidel Americans!" The men then walked off as Bush kept trying to apologize.
"Who are you?" called someone from behind Bush.
"I'm President Bush," Bush answered as he turned around, "You may remember me from such State of the Union Addresses as State of the Union Address 2002 and State of the Union Address 2005."
The man checked his clipboard. "We don't have any 'President Bush' listed as being allowed on the port today."
"I'm just here to inspect security. Who are you?"
"I'm the port security guy," he said and then pointed to a label on his shirt. "See, it says here 'Port Security.' That's hand-stitched; very official."
Bush looked at the label. "It is. Still, I just got chased by a Mexican trying to cut me; that doesn't seem very secure."
"Mexicans may do that, so I put up signs," the port security guy said as he pointed to a sign behind Bush that said "Don't Pester the Mexicans." "You have to read the signs," he continued, "I don't put signs up for fun. It is a bit fun, but that's not why I do that."
"Sorry, I'll pay more attention," Bush said, "So what do you do for security?"
The port security guy pointed to two German Shepherds behind him. "These are Ed and Ted. Ed is a drug sniffing dog and Ted is a bomb sniffing dog."
Bush stared at the two. "They look exactly the same; are they twins?"
"I dunno; they never talk about their personal lives."
"How do you tell them apart?"
The port security guy shrugged his shoulders. "I tried putting collars on them with their names, but they keep getting out of them. Still, if one of them barks at a crate, we know it's either drugs or a bomb. And, if they both bark at a crate, then it's a drug bomb... or Milk-Bones." The port security guy thought for a moment. "Actually, every time they bark, it's always Milk-Bones. Far as I can tell, they only know how to find Milk-Bones."
"I once tried a Milk-Bone and I didn't like it," Bush commented. He then noticed a larger German Shepherd barking at a crate. "What's that dog's problem?"
"That's our new dog, Hans," the port security guy said as they walked over to the crate. "He's trained for our new mission now that the UAE will be buying this port."
"He found WMDs?!" Bush exclaimed.
"No, he found Israeli goods. He's trained to sniff for kosher-ness." The port security guy looked to some workers. "Take this crate out and blow it up."
"We're on break!" they answered.
"Union workers," the port security guy grumbled, "they take forever to explode anything."
"Bad anti-Semetic dog! Bad!" Bush shouted at Hans. "Being German, I would have thought you'd be more sensitive to things like that."
Hans lay down and whimpered.
"You made Hans sad," the port security guy said. "You're a mean President."
"I didn't mean to," Bush answered defensively. "Man, port security is hard. Maybe I can just come up with a cool slogan to raise awareness." He thought for a moment. "I got it! 'Port Security is Im-PORT-ant!'"
The port security guy stared at Bush for a few seconds. "So, are you technically a lame duck now or what?"
BlogAds is having their annual survey, and, since IMAO is highly influential political blog, they want to hear from our readers. Go take the survey here and make sure to answer "IMAO" for question #23.
Go now and answer honorably, ronin.
Things have been really stressed at home lately. Poor Sarah has had a huge tension headache and stress has been making it worse (luckily she has Kellie Pickler to release some stress on). I guess a big part of it is Rowdi and the cats. Anytime we're in the kitchen, Minerva now jumps in range of Rowdi on the counter and gets angry when Rowdi inevitably comes near. If not completely restrained, Rowdi will often lunge at the cats, plunging her nose into their side. I assume if Rowdi meant to hurt the cats, she'd lunge with her mouth open, but lunging itself is scary. Anyone know what that behavior means? Is it a herding instinct, or is she just enthusiastic about smelling?
Anyway, until some peace is reached between Rowdi and the cats, things are probably going to be a bit stressed. I know it doesn't seem like the biggest problem in the world, but we'd appreciate some prayers to help us through it.
BTW, Rowdi is getting more obedient but we still need to figure out how to calm her when she gets excited. She is great at walks now (the Gentle Leader is a great product) and even sat quietly while I talked to a neighbor and twice her little dog tried to nip Rowdi in the face. Also, we noticed that she looks a lot like these pictures of a tan lab. I guess we should get a bit over this pit hysteria and just call her a mutt. She just looks too much like a plain-old dog to pin down the breeding. The only characteristic that really stick out about her is her stub of a tail. What kind of dogs have that?
Thanks again for all your advice. You people are great readers, and I love dishing out the funny for you.
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