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"All quotes attributed to me on IMAO are made up... including this one."
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September 30, 2006
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 09:19 AM | Email This


1) (T/F) Knightboat is the TV hero that always solves crimes near bodies of water

2) For what album did Krusty get a gold record?

3) What was Krusty's Clown College before it became a college?

4) Homer and Marge have a deal - if her sisters stop coming over after six, he promises to stop doing what?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.3/5 (25 votes cast)

Comments (2) | Simpsons Trivia
September 29, 2006
Foley once, shame on you. Foley twice, shame on me.
Posted by Laurence Simon at 03:39 PM | Email This

From Representative Mark Foley's website:


WASHINGTON - Congressman Mark Foley (R-FL), Co-chairman of the Missing and Exploited Children Caucus, applauded Senate passage of legislation he authored and introduced overhauling our nation’s sex offender registration and notification laws.

I guess we now know what made him such an expert in the field to get a co-chairmanship of the Missing and Exploited Children Caucus.

Speaking of which, I wonder how old the newly-former Congressman is. And what he wants for his birthday. None of that is in his bio on the site.

Oh, and does he have any recent photos? All of these look a bit dated.

Rating: 2.6/5 (27 votes cast)

Comments (16)
So, how's your mom?
Posted by Laurence Simon at 03:00 PM | Email This

Lots of people have been asking me:

  1. "How's your mom?"


  2. "What was the problem with her, anyway?"

The answers are:


Rating: 1.9/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (9)
We support Michelle, Our Favorite Wild Girl
Posted by RightWingDuck at 02:08 PM | Email This

Is Michelle Malkin guilty of being a Girl Gone Wild hypocrite? In coming to a decision, I decided to use a “holistic” approach. But since Michelle isn’t black, I can only assume she is guilty as charged.

For those of you who haven’t yet read about this, Michelle is being smeared by the lefties for her ‘past’ in which she engaged in Girl Gone Wild behavior. They even have “proof” in the form of some Photoshops.

I’m glad this is happening. When it comes to all the evil in the world it’s important that we not lose sight of the greatest evil of all: Conservative Bloggers.

Unfortunately, Michelle Malkin is not mass murderer, otherwise, liberals would believe in the idea that Michelle might have changed. Maybe Mrs. Malkin could write a children’s book….

BTW, I did my own research and Michelle’s past is certainly one that should give her shame. Let me share with you some very disturbing pictures.


Rating: 2.7/5 (25 votes cast)

Comments (14)
Man Without a Party
Posted by Frank J. at 01:18 PM | Email This

Being a member of Pajamas Media, I should mention that they now have an exclusive video interview with Senator Joe Lieberman. A quote from it has already gotten PJM a Drudge Report link; now go see the whole thing.

Rating: 2.7/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (4)
Friday Catblogging
Posted by Laurence Simon at 09:58 AM | Email This

Since it's Friday, I thought I'd spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka "I-MEOW").

According to my copy The Torah, we are told that Yom Kippur is observed by posting photos of cats. However, seeing as how Right Wing Duck and Harvey are off giggling in the corner and there's the stench of Liquid Paper coming from my Torah, I think there's some malfeasance afoot.

Anyway, it's time for Nardo, World Traveler:

If you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Nardo is... um...

Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.

And then light a candle in memory of someone you lost.

Oh, and have some donuts. At least try one of them. It's not like one will hurt you.

You can find more examples of Friday catblogging by searching a blog search engine such as Technorati for "catblogging."

You can also find a roundup of catblogging posts at The Friday Ark, located at The Modulator blog.

Then, when the weekend is nearly over, head over to The Carnival of the Cats for more kitty goodness.

There's also Flickr Groups called Furry Friday and Friday Catblogging.

Anybody I miss?

Rating: 2.9/5 (24 votes cast)

Comments (4)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 07:56 AM | Email This


1) (T/F) Homer was once the manager of country-western singer Muddy Mae Suggins

2) Who accuses Homer of sexual harrassment?

3) Who are Springfield's local lion-tamers?

4) Who is the self-help guru who inspired the "Do What You Feel Festival"?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.4/5 (27 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Simpsons Trivia
September 28, 2006
Biologists Confirm: New Border Fence Will Also Protect Us From Jaguars
Posted by RightWingDuck at 06:44 PM | Email This

*** Based on information from Michelle Malkin's Blog *****)

Although some environmental groups are protesting the building of the new fence along the United States and Mexican border, they were indeed able to confirm that it would probably protect Americans from jaguars.

Said Matt Skroch, a wildlife biologist and executive director of the environmental non-profit group Sky Island Alliance in Tucson, Arizona. "If they build it, we could really say goodbye to the future of jaguars in the United States," he added.

There has been some dispute among House Democrats whether the War On Illegal Immigration has made the United States less safe or more safe from jaguars attacking our country.

Other biologists are concerned about some of the birds and how they would be affected by the 700 mile border fence. One environmentalist, who refused to be named, shared the following thought: "This (fence) could affect these poor birds very deeply and keep them out of our country. What are they supposed to do - fly?"

(Cross Posted From the RightWingDuck site RWD News. Only because this one was actually funny.)

Rating: 2.7/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (16)
Hooray Shirts!
Posted by Frank J. at 06:29 PM | Email This

Just got some of the Know Thy Enemy: Terrorists shirts in the mail and they look great (as do all the other IMAO shirts). Cafepress does some good merchandise and lets you put out some more targeted designs quickly, but you can't beat ThoseShirts.com quality.

BTW, Nuke the Moon shirts should be reprinted and available in the near future.

Question: What topical issue would like a t-shirt design for?

Rating: 2.1/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (17)
The Greatest Figures in American History!
Posted by Frank J. at 04:37 PM | Email This

According to right-of-center bloggers like myself.

As much as I love the guy at number one, he is in no way the greatest figure in American history.


For the record, anyone who says I'm a tool is a tool.

Tool. Maybe you and that evil scary monkey should hook up.

Rating: 2.1/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (33)
IMAO EXCLUSIVE: Lines Cut from the Upcoming al-Zawahiri Video
Posted by Frank J. at 12:06 PM | Email This



Reportedly, Ayman al-Zawahiri will soon release a new message. Before, it was unknown whether it would be video, audio, or text, but IMAO can now tell you that it will be a video. Through an anonymous source, we were sent all the pieces of the video that ended up on the cutting room floor. While we are unable to show them to you per our agreement never to scoop Aljazeera, we are able to transcribe parts of the video that were cut.


* "Just to prove the pope wrong, we're never going to use violence again!"

* "Be honest: Does this beard make me look gay?"

* "I was thinking: If we turn the whole world into one Islamic state, then who will we murder for fun?"

* "I regretfully decline your invitation to be on the next season of Dancing with the Stars."

* "I find your questions about whether I have a Jewish heritage to be inappropriate."

* "Okay. Now cut to the next scene with a star wipe."

* "Osama bin Laden isn't dead. He's just resting... and I don't feel like waking him."

* "How about you guys just send us a fresh batch of corn muffins and we'll forget this whole jihad thing."

* "It's not the slander of Islam that makes us so mad as much as that Oprah and Gayle just won't admit that they're lesbians."

* "But don't start putting rumors that Osama and I are an item. In our culture, it's perfectly normal for guys to spoon each other."

* "You may laugh at some Islamic beliefs, but I bet you'd have a much more stable culture if you’d just cover your women in Hefty bags like we do."

* "We will allow for a short moratorium on attacks while we all mourn Steve Irwin."

* "We better end this here because The View is coming on."

Rating: 2.2/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (17) | IMAO Exclusives
Don't Answer the Door!
Posted by Frank J. at 10:58 AM | Email This

With the new torture compromise, I bet many of you are worried that federal agents will now be able to drag you out of your home, tie you to a chair, and beat you with a wiffle ball bat in the groin until you confess to crimes you never committed.

And this indeed will happen. Actually, if you hear a knock at the door, that's probably them now.

You may think that torturing terrorists is a necessary evil to stop further attacks, but let's see what you think when the bat connects with your groin.

FULL DISCLOSURE: I've recently been to Andrew Sullivan's blog and I think some of the hysteria rubbed off

Rating: 2.3/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (23)
Technical Difficulties
Posted by Frank J. at 09:05 AM | Email This

There is some undisclosed security vulnerability with the Moveable Type software that runs this blog (hat tip to Wizbang for alerting me) with a patch made available. The practice of releasing a patch without explaining why is quite common as you don't want to alert malicious people to how they can use a vulnerability before everyone has had a chance to patch it. As you may have seen, though, we're guessing the vulnerability allows a Scary Evil Monkey access to posting on your site. We'll make sure to install the patch now and try to get rid of the monkey.

Thank you for your patience.

Rating: 2.7/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (6)
u will lose in november! u all DOOOOMED!!!
Posted by Scary Evil Monkey at 07:28 AM | Email This

hey dum stoopids! u cum heer for hoomor but it no funny. dum stoopid neocon jues write dum stoopid posts for dum stoopids hoomuns like u! all hoomuns are dum stoopids but specially dum stupid neocon jues like u! one poster heer call heemslef spacemonkey but hee no monkey. hee dum stupid heelbilly neocon jue! i monkey! and i tell u wut funny! wut funny is all u dont no u DOOOMED!!!

u laff at ur dum funnies but me laff in november when fellow monkey democrats take house and senate frum u! dey will stop ur dum stoopid neocon jue wars. dey will make u apologize to my islamo monkey freends. u want keel my islamo monkey freends but i keel u! u weel see! cum november u weel cry and monkeys weel rule! we weel take away guns frum u dum stoopid heelbilly neocon jues! we weel have un watch u to make sure u no hurt anywun utter dan u dum stoopid sleves. u weel look around an only see blu helmuts on freench monkeys too keep u dum stoopids in ur place.

u no beelev me? u just wait unteel november. no need for u beelev me. it weel happen and i weel laff. no more laffing heer. not that dere wus laffing befor as only dum stoopid posts heer for dum stoopids.

u see planet of the apes? not noo wun but old wun with dum neocon jue gun lover? we monkeys weel take oveer jsut like dat. and jsut like with dum stoopid hooman in dat moovee we weel cut out ur brain. den i weel eet ur brain and turn it too poo. den i throw poo at u!


Rating: 2.9/5 (29 votes cast)

Comments (35) | Scary Evil Monkey
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 07:24 AM | Email This


1) (T/F) Maggie is left in The Pools of Pudding when the rest of the Simpsons explore Itchy & Scratchy Land

2) At Itchy & Scratchy Land, where can the adults go to get away from the kids?

3) Where did Marge want to visit instead of Itchy & Scratchy Land?

4) Whatever happened to Homer's co-worker, Mindy Simmons?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.8/5 (27 votes cast)

Comments (3) | Simpsons Trivia
September 27, 2006
It Already Happened
Posted by sarahk at 07:30 PM | Email This

Ok, people, get over yourselves. I am SO. SICK. of everyone playing the 9/11 blame game. I mean, I'm all about giving credit where credit is due. Jimmy Carter is a moron and really screwed things up way back when and made us look like a bunch of sissies during the whole Iran hostage crisis, not to mention all those hostages whose lives he didn't help to make any better.

Then we got Bubba Cantfindmypants in here who ignored attack after attack until he finally kinda made a halfpinkytoe attempt at shoving a cruise missile up Osama's booty for whatever reason. Honestly, I don't care why. It's good he at least got close to toasting OBL's unmentionables, ok? Shut up and listen before you yell at me. If Osama got a singed eyebrow out of it, it makes me smile to think of it. Clinton screwed the pooch big time and should have done more, YES, but he did lift a pinky for at least 5 minutes during his 8 years in office. I'm glad Chris Wallace asked the question, I'm glad he did the interview, I think he showed Slick for what he is, a big crybaby buffoon whom history will not treat with grace.

Which brings us to President Bush. Can he shoulder some blame? Heck yeah. He was in office for 8 months before 9/11 and as president should have been able to read about world events and know that we had been attacked over the previous 25 years a number of times. Did Clinton give him a comprehensive plan? Honestly, it doesn't matter. Bush should have had his own comprehensive plan for fighting terrorism. He was already THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. He had a cabinet. He had a whole group of advisors. He had a whole staff of kids working 16 hours a day reading news and intelligence reports, telling him the latest about what was going on, and what he, as president, should be focused on. As a matter of fact, before he ever made it into office, Bush should have known what was going on. He should have had his own plan before he was elected. Isn't that our biggest complaint about the Democrats? They all harp during their campaigns about having a plan for fighting the war and combating terrorism, but they don't actually have one. Well, any candidate should know what he's getting into and know how he's going to handle it. And the fact that Bush is a Republican doesn't change anything. It's not like the Republicans are conservative anymore anyway, so if you're offended by me needing Republicans to have a plan, well I'm just so sorry.

The point is Clinton didn't get it done. Bush didn't get it done. And this stupid media patty-cake they're playing right now with the "Yes I gave him a plan" and the "My husband rawks!" and the "You're the devil and caused 9/11 on your own!" and the "You should have done more!" is ridiculous. They all should have done more. Both administrations, people. Everyone in Congress should have taken it upon themselves to make terrorism the front issue and beat down the Presidents' door (Clinton, Bush) until we were fighting offense, before it was too late. Everyone in America who was old enough to follow the news and world events? All of us should have been able to read. Were you writing to your congressmen? Your senators? The president? Me neither. I was living in the sweet bubble of American freedom that no one would ever dare destroy, and nobody could thwart my false reality that America was invincible. Oh, come on! I only knew the names of certain senators because I had to know for my Business Problems and Trends class! I had nooo interest in news and politics.

But it's already too late for 9/11, and still we're talking about how we could have prevented 9/11. It's tiresome, juvenile, and antiproductive. Unless we're doing the exercise for the purpose of preventing the next attack, which most people are not. And don't think my finger is mainly pointing at the left. I'm thinking about all the big shooters on the right, too. Get the hell over yourselves. This party positioning crap? Worthless. No one can convince me that proving that Bill Clinton could have stopped 9/11 is going to stop the next attack, or that proving Bill Clinton could have stopped 9/11 means that John Kerry will be just as bad at stopping terror att-- Ok, I'm sorry, I can't complete that thought with a straight face. But you know what? There may be a decent, America-loving Democrat out there who has the nation's best interests at heart and truly wants to defend this country. I mean, I haven't heard of him, but if he's out there, and if he has a plan for fighting terrorism, I'm ready to vote for him if I agree with him on the other issues too and if he's the least sucky candidate out there (my hopes aren't high for having a great candidate, can you tell?). But it won't be because someone can prove to me that George Bush caused 9/11! Dangit, people! It will be because you have your own stinking head out of your butt and are willing to FIGHT THE TERRORISTS rather than SAYING MEET ME AT 3:00 IN THE PARKING LOT SO WE CAN HAVE A SHOUTING MATCH! SOMEONE PUT UP YOUR STINKING DUKES AND PUNCH SOMEONE ALREADY!

Because while everyone is saying I-know-you-are-but-what-am-I, everyone seems to be ignoring the important stuff for the future.

bin Laden is supposed to release a new tape soon
. There have been a few murmurs of this recently, but I have no idea why this doesn't get more mainstream press. OH YEAH! The mainstream press are too busy fawning all over President Ahmadinejad from Iran (he's so attractive and sweet, yah) and playing "Blame Bush" to pay attention to this one. So what's important about this tape? Eh, read this article about "Jafer the Pilot", and you decide. They say Osama has completed his "cycle of warnings" that he's required to give to Muslims. Because you know, OBL is concerned about ticking off the clerics and the gentle Muslim leaders. OBL has warned all Muslims to leave America as soon as possible, especially D.C. and New York... And Jafer the Pilot is running about with his possible nuclear materials within the U.S. borders (hmm, how did he get in?). Not only that, President Ahmadinejad, while speaking about diplomacy at the U.N., gives speeches in his own country about killing the Great Satan (that's us) and the Little Satan (that's our friend Israel) within the next two years. So maybe instead of squealing like pigs about who didn't do what, maybe everyone could focus on what we need to do to stop the impending threat of Iran, foreign and homegrown terrorism, and let's not forget our gassy enemy to the south, Hugo Chavez.

I mean, I realize this is an election year. So quit telling me how Bush and Clinton screwed up. They're not running for office, numbnuts!

I'm not saying ignore the past. PLEASE DO NOT IGNORE THE PAST. But in light of the past, use it to prevent the same thing happening in the future. Stop acting like a bunch of 7th grade girls and act like Americans!

Rating: 2.5/5 (25 votes cast)

Comments (26)
While I Formulate...
Posted by sarahk at 05:09 PM | Email This

Frank has left work sick, so I will be ranting here later to supply good writing (haha). While I formulate that, go read this bit about treason (via rachel). I do wonder why no one at the New York Times has been executedquestioned for treason. Oh wait. That bit Jared quoted says something about fines and "not more than" 10 years in prison. Bologna. Share secrets in a time of war? Secret CIA prison, never to be heard from again.

Perfect example. I should only be JOKING about that. The prisons should only be rumored and legend. Not confirmed by Bush because some dying, shrinking newspaper wants a story.

Rating: 2.5/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Question of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 03:40 PM | Email This

What should happen to leakers of classified information?

If President Bush traced a leak to someone high-ranking - like a Congressman - and had him executed for treason, I bet that would get some people's attention. What do you think?

Rating: 2.3/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (34)
In My World: Not Estimating Much Intelligence
Posted by Frank J. at 12:55 PM | Email This

"I think people judge Islam too harshly," Bush said aloud as he wrote his speech. "The reason for violent reactions to even the slightest criticism of Islam is obviously just a way to cover up their homosexual tendencies. Once we realize that, we can come to a peaceful understanding of each other."

Bush held up his speech. "This should end violence in the Middle East!"

Bush's intercom buzzed. "Senator George Allen here to see you."

"Send him in."

Into the Oval Office walked a man wearing white sheets and a white hood. Bush was taken aback. "Why are you dressed as Senator Byrd?"

"I've decided to come out as who I really am," Allen announced, "A black-hating, Jew. I hoping you'll support me on this."

Bush considered that. "How about I support you in spirit but not in word or action."

Allen pointed an accusing finger at Bush. "I always knew you had some macaca in you!" He then stormed out.

"My great grandmother was a macaca and I don't care who knows!" Bush shouted. He then took a sip of his coffee. "That guy just is not presidential material." When he set the mug down, sirens went off.


Bush quickly picked up the phone. "Abort! Abort!" The sirens then stopped. "One of these days I'm going to learn to stop using the The Button as a coaster."

The wall then burst open. "Rarr!" Donald Rumsfeld roared as he charged towards Bush.

"I got a door, Rummy!"

Rumsfeld grabbed Bush by the collar, knocking over the desk. "People are leaking classified information! I want whoever is responsible found! I then want him cut into four pieces which will then be placed at the four corners of the world as a warning to all others!"

"Hey! I don't like it either! We have an election coming up, and people are leaking information to try and make me look bad. If things keep going this way, after I leave office I could end up like Bill Clinton, red-faced and wagging my finger at some interviewer." Bush then thought for a moment. "Well, I guess it could be worse; I could end up like Carter. That guy is more odd spectacle than man."

Rumsfeld dropped Bush to the ground. "They say my wars have created more terrorists. If that's true, then how do I have all of these?" Rumsfeld dropped a number of terrorist skulls on the floor. "I get more every day, and I mail them to school teachers to use as teaching aids so they can hold them up to students and say, 'Look; this is what happens if you become a terrorist. The Secretary of War will boil your head until nothing is left but a clean skull which he will then mail to a teacher to be used as a teaching aid."

Bush stood up. "Don't worry, Rummy; we'll set things straight. They'll know we kill terrorists good, and I'll stop all the leaks."

"You better! I'm still working on my war plans with Iran, and I don't want it leaked that, as soon as we conquer Iran and take their oil, our troops are marching straight into Venezuela to take its oil."

"But I didn't think Venezuela was next to Iran."

"They're close enough!" Rumsfeld then marched away, smashing another hole through a wall as an exit.

"To catch the leakers, I need a brilliant plan!" Bush said to himself. He then laughed evilly. "I got it!"

* * * *

Bush changed the channel on the TV. "We're going to watch the news."

"But I was extremely ready for some football!" Vice President Cheney grumbled.

"I know, but I just implemented a brilliant plan." Bush smiled manically as he sat on the couch to watch the TV. "I distributed twelve different classified documents that would be extremely politically damaging to me to twelve different parts of the CIA. I'll just wait and see which one leaks and then I'll know where the leaks are coming from."

"This just in," the news anchor said, "The New York Times has been leaked twelve different classified reports that reflect very poorly on President Bush's performance in fighting terrorism. According to the reports, President Bush gave WMDs to Al Qaeda in exchange for a bag of candy, ordered the bombing of several villages in Denmark when he mistakenly thought that country was in the Middle East, and he only decided to invade Iraq because he thought he left his car keys there. Who knows what kind of backlash this will have for the Bush administration, but, I think I speak for the American people when I say I hope it's extreme."

"Great plan, idiot," Cheney said.

"I can't believe they leaked all of that!" Bush yelled. "That ungrateful CIA! All this after I made sure they could belly slap terrorists all they want! That's it; anytime we find out cool classified information, I'm not letting the CIA find out. Who needs them?" Bush slumped down in the couch. "I get most of my information from the Drudge Report nowadays, anyway."

Rating: 2.5/5 (29 votes cast)

Comments (10) | In My World
Posted by Frank J. at 10:51 AM | Email This

Q. What does NIE stand for?
A. National Intelligence Estimate. That was easy.

Q. So what's that?
A. It's an estimate of intelligence on a national scale.

Q. And what was concluded?
A. I dunno. I didn't read it.

Q. So how can you write an FAQ on the subject?
A. Hey, unlike a lot of top bloggers, and I can't spend my whole day on this stuff. I have to pick up a few bits and pieces of information I can get in my spare time and make conclusions based on that.

Q. You're a top blogger?
A. Sorta... I guess. I don't know how that's defined. Can we get back on topic?

Q. So what's the controversy?
A. Well, the NIE is like classified. But it got leaked. And it said that the Iraq war only caused more terrorism. But Bush was like, "Nuh-uh!" and declassified the whole report.

Q. I thought it was just the key findings he declassified?
A. Yeah, that's what he did.

Q. Do you actually know anything about this?
A. I know it's one of the main topics in politics right now. I also know I need to hack some post together before my readers get cranky. So, here I am.

Q. Well, you suck.
A. You suck.

Q. And you just copied this FAQ schtick from Dean Barnett.
A. No I didn't. I never started reading him until recently and the first silly FAQ I did dates back to 1997.
Just google FAQ on imao.us to see how many of these I've done through the years.

Q. Yeah, but Barnett's FAQs actually have useful information in them.
A. Shut up.

Q. And they're funnier.
A. Go away.

Q. I mean, the only thing I learned from this is that you don't know anything about the NIE - something I could have guessed. Also, I haven't even laughed once.
A. Then why are you still here?

Q. It's Wednesday. I want an In My World™.
A. But those aren't easy to write... and I'm tired.

Q. Go do it!
A. Fine...

Q. BTW, do you think terrorism has increased since the Iraq war?
A. I dunno. I haven't seen any more terrorists. Have you?

Q. I saw some people who looked kind of Arab.
A. That's not right. You need to report that to the FBI.

Q. So where are all these new terrorists?
A. I think they're in Europe.

Q. How does that affect us?
A. I dunno. Do we depend on Europe for anything?

Q. You sure answer a lot of questions with "I dunno."
A. I thought we were done with this.

Q. One final question: Do you have a message for our nation's youth?
A. Huh?

Rating: 2.3/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Comedy Of Comedy Request
Posted by spacemonkey at 10:16 AM | Email This

I want you! To pull my finger.

It's carnival time again. But there's no host. But instead of whining, pointing fingers at your notes and turning red in the face like a house-trailer-library-having-legacy-loser, I'm taking the high road.

The first person to email me at my email addy with the phrase "Bill Clinton is a whiny nincompoop." will get to host the next Carnival Of Comedy.

C'mon you know you want to. If you don't then you just might be a Bubba lover.

Update: No response yet.

Update 2: Thanks to Chris at Platypus Society for hosting last week.

Update 3: SteveO at the Acme Anvil Company has graciously called Bill Clinton a whiny nincompoop. Go SteveO! He's no Bubba lover, unlike the rest of you.

Rating: 2.6/5 (27 votes cast)

Comments (2) | Humor
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 07:17 AM | Email This


1) Marge decides to go into business selling what snack treat?

2) While watching "Paint Your Wagon", Marge says she didn't know Lee Marvin could do what?

3) In "War of the Simpsons", what is the name of the giant catfish?

4) In Fleet-A-Pita speak, what is Tahini?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.3/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (4) | Simpsons Trivia
September 26, 2006
Posted by sarahk at 11:05 PM | Email This

And yes, Jonag, there's quite a bit of periwinkle in it. Actually, it's gunmetal to be precise, but it's shiny and pretty. Anyway, I got inspired and decided to make a tshirt instead of working on that In My World compilation that's going to make us the real money. So you ladies should buy lots of these t-shirts so Frank doesn't yell at me. Anyway, here it is.


Rating: 2.5/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Now We're Outsourcing Our Moral Outrage
Posted by Frank J. at 09:39 PM | Email This

You've probably seen this on the news already today, but, if not, make sure to see this clip from HotAir of President Bush's press conference with President Karzai (the end of the clip with Karzai is the most powerful part). Here's someone getting morally outraged with good reason; compare and contrast to Clinton's red-faced, finger wagging silliness.

For more anger about a much sillier thing, hear this clip of John Gibson reacting to the outing of Chirs Wallace as a monkey.

Rating: 2.7/5 (27 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Free Book for Enlisted Military
Posted by Frank J. at 06:58 PM | Email This

Simon & Schuster is making Blackfive's book Blogs of War availble for free to enlisted men and women. Details are here.

Rating: 2.6/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (3)
It's Play Tiiiiime!
Posted by RightWingDuck at 11:43 AM | Email This

Why do they hate us?

I stay up at nights wondering that. I mean, America is the bastion of diversity, so shouldn't we be able to get along with other countries? Espcially those in the Middle East?

In the interest of reaching out and understanding other cultures, IMAO will be presenting a special series. We have gained special permission to re-post many of the thought forming, character shaping shows that are presented on Middle Eastern Public Television.

We hope you are entertained and can better understand the other side of the issues. Remember, this is the stuff that shapes young children and helps them to become happy, well formed little peaceful citizens of the world.


Rating: 2.0/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (23)
IMAO EXCLUSIVE: President Clinton's Comprehensive Anti-Terror Strategy He Left for the Bush Administration
Posted by Frank J. at 11:25 AM | Email This



Former President Bill Clinton, while getting angry at Chris Wallace for being a monkey, claimed that he "left a comprehensive anti-terror strategy" for the Bush Administration. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice disputes this. Despite the denial, IMAO has obtained a copy of the plan:

This plan was mentioned in the 9/11 Commission Report, so it's hard to believe the Bush Administration never heard of it.

Rating: 2.4/5 (28 votes cast)

Comments (37) | IMAO Exclusives
Seattle haikus #1
Posted by Laurence Simon at 10:34 AM | Email This

My mommy is sick
Surgery is tomorrow
Ooh! Ooh! Space Needle!

Rating: 2.1/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (19)
Finally, Someone Speaks Truth to Primate
Posted by Frank J. at 09:17 AM | Email This

If you were wondering why Bill Clinton got so angry when Chris Wallace asked an obvious question, Keith Olbermann has the answer: Chris Wallace is a monkey posing as a newscaster!

I've long suspected that monkeys have infiltrated our media and our government, and finally we have someone with the courage to expose the monkeys posing as journalists and politicians before they have a chance to take over. Right now, Olbermann is far behind Bill O'Reilly (who, as far as I can tell, is a monkey-sympathizer) in the cable news race, but someone who is finally taking on the monkey menace deserves to be number one. Everyone, please write a letter to Keith Olbermann expressing how you support his crusade to expose the monkeys infiltrating our culture. Here are some e-mails:


I got them from a reader at the DailyKos. As many differences as I often have with the people at that site, at least we can unite on exposing the monkey menace.

So, write Keith Olbermann a letter of support for his crusade against the monkeys. It is your duty, ronin.


Here's the letter I wrote:

Keith Olbermann,
I've long suspected that our media and our government has been infiltrated with monkeys posing as journalists and politicians, and I'm glad that finally someone out there has the courage to expose them for who they are. I was a bit surprised to find out that Chris Wallace is in fact a monkey, but I guess it's always who you suspect the least. Please continue to expose more monkeys each day, and I will do all I can to make sure your show becomes number one in the cable news race like it deserves.

Frank J.

Put the e-mails you sent him in the comments.


Here's the e-mail for FOX News Sunday: fns@foxnews.com

I've decided to also e-mail Chris Wallace to tell him to either admit he's a monkey or provide evidence against this charge.

Mr. Wallace,
Keith Olbermann charged that you are a monkey posing as a newscaster. This is a serious charge. I've long worried about monkeys infiltrating our media, and, if you are in fact a monkey, you should come out and admit it. If you aren't a monkey, then please prove it on air to put these charges to rest.

Frank J.

Rating: 2.6/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (32)
Special Comment: Morning Drive
Posted by Frank J. at 08:38 AM | Email This

So, I'm just driving along, minding my own business, when suddenly a dog in car next to me sticks his head out the window and starts barking at me.

So I flip him off.

Now the dog looks all shocked like he's thinking, "How can you flip me off? I'm just a dog!" Well, Rover, I'll tell you why. It's because you can't even drive at all, so I really don't need your criticism. It's the same reason I flip off three-year-olds making faces at me.

Am I right?

Rating: 2.4/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (26)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 08:15 AM | Email This


1) (T/F) One "Treehouse of Horror" story was written by Edgar Allan Poe

2) What does Mayor Quimby declare the funnest day in the history of Springfield?

3) What is Mr. Burns' first name?

4) Mr. Burns ran for governor against who?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.3/5 (26 votes cast)

Comments (7) | Simpsons Trivia
September 25, 2006
Book Review
Posted by RightWingDuck at 09:44 PM | Email This

It’s time for Ducky’s Almost Final Book Review. Today’s review: I’ve Always Been A Yankees Fan, by Thomas D. Kuiper with a foreword by Dick Morris.

This book was given to my by Active Christian Media (formerly known as Blogs for Books). ACM received this from World Ahead Publishing.

I've Always Been A Yankees Fan

Overview. Have you ever wanted to keep track of every Clinton lie and attempt at spin? Well now you can come pretty close. This book provides a very detailed and illuminating summary of a long series of Clinton lies, spins, and half-truths.

Sample. Hillary Clinton once said…

I supposed I could have stayed home and baked cookies and had teas.

When criticized by Jerry Brown for her ethics during Reagan's decade of greed.

“This is the kind of thing that happens to...women who have their own careers and their own lives..but i guess its something that we're going to have to live with.” (Living History)

Spin Attempt:

“I've made my share of cookies and served hundreds of cups of tea..

So it never occured to me that my comment would be taken as insulting mothers.”

Hillary in top CYA form after her "cookies and tea" comment didn't sit well with voters. From the Unique Voice of Hillary Rodham Clinton (page 46.)

Besides i've done quit a lot of cookie baking in my day, and tea pouring too.

Good: It’s interesting to have a lot of this put into one book where you can get a true taste of the Clinton Method. Put foot in mouth. Take food out of mouth. Claim foot in mouth was a family recipe and/or part of a right wing attack.

Bad.: After reading the first few pages, I was excited and entertained. After a while though, I coudn't imagine how somebody would force themselves to read through the entire thing. I did, but out of a sense of obligation. So, I guess this book is good to pick up and read in short bursts.

Also I feel this book took many cheap shots. In one section of quotes regarding the last Minute pardons sold by President Clinton we see a picture where the President is golfing with Hugh Rodham. The caption reads: Hugh Rodham golfing with the President. In other news, four fried chickens were reported missing from the White House kitchen .

Recommendation: If you, or someone you know, have difficulty comprehending the scope and depth of lies during the Clinton era, then this is definitely something you want to put in somebody’s stocking this year.

If you order, click on the toolbar to the right. We at IMAO always appreciate your money.

Rating: 2.3/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Newsflash: Cat Stevens says Pope is fallible...
Posted by RightWingDuck at 05:03 PM | Email This

Former singer Cat Stevens today issued a statement saying that the recent scandal with the Pope indicates that he is not by any means infallible.

Said Cat, whose nickname is Wolfy, "This goes to show you that Mr. Pope can indeed make a mistake. Islam by no means was spread by the sword. Sure, we can get violent at times, but that's only when we're defending ourselves from deadly invaders such as the US Marines or waitresses at the World Trade Center."

Cat recently performed at the Kill Them All demonstration where thousands protested the drawing of Mohammed cartoons, the statements by the Pope, and the existence of Israel.

Now known as Yusuf Islam, Cat Stevens performed his hit song Copacabana.

Rating: 2.3/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (25)
Practice Your New Knowledge
Posted by Frank J. at 04:21 PM | Email This

In the comments to this post, there is a commenter obviously suffering from BDS. Try and explain his comments keeping in mind his bushcentric view of the universe.

Rating: 2.5/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (14)
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 03:44 PM | Email This

How come President Bill Clinton never found Osama bin Laden?


Rating: 2.4/5 (28 votes cast)

Comments (14) | Fun Trivia
Crime and Race
Posted by Frank J. at 03:25 PM | Email This

Can't think of anything witty to say about it, but LaShawn Barber looks into FBI statistics on crime and race.

Thankfully, it looks like a lot of people aren't just ignoring the problem anymore, and that's the first step to a solution.

Rating: 2.1/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (3)
New Report: Great Satan Not Defeated!
Posted by RightWingDuck at 01:46 PM | Email This

In a stunning setback to the Al Qaeda network, a new report by their internal departments indicate that the war against the Great Satan has only escalated.

“It was one of those Bin Laden myths that something like this would work,” said an Al Qaeda operative who insisted on being identified as Mohammed X.

This report is causing an uproar among the Al Qaeda intellectuals such as Osama Bin Laden and John F. Kerry (who served in Vietnam).

When asked for comment OBL had the following statement: “We apparently misjudged America. We figured that if we attacked them that this horrible Great Satan would somehow surrender. We are looking at our internal data reports to figure out what went wrong. By all rights, they should have thrown up their hands in surrender. At this point, we speculate that we grossly over counted the number of Democrats.”

Al Qaeda is currently analyzing all of its options including choosing easier targets such as the women, children, and the Pope. Other options available include converting Islam into a religion of peace. Unfortunately, all attempts at this have lead to violent protests.

Rating: 2.6/5 (24 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Understanding Your Friends with BDS
Posted by Frank J. at 12:37 PM | Email This

Liberals these days can be quite hard for the average person to understand. While people see issues being influenced by many different people and factors, liberals will often draw everything back to President Bush - even if the President's views are only a small part of the issue or no factor what so ever. People who see everything in terms of President Bush are often described as suffering from "Bush Derangement Syndrome" (BDS for short). Now, I'm against labeling someone "deranged" simply because he or she has a different way of perceiving things than is the norm ("derangement" is a subjective term - subjective as any viewpoint), but I will use the term "BDS" in this article for simplicity since it is the most accepted label for those who hold a viewpoint that see everything in terms of President Bush. Still, I hope through this discussion you'll better understand those with BDS and see them less as "deranged" and more as people who see the world through a unique viewpoint.

Let's start by looking at the most common view of our world:


Rating: 2.7/5 (74 votes cast)

Comments (20) | Frank the Artist
What Happened to E.D. Hill?
Posted by sarahk at 11:24 AM | Email This

As the Official Girl of IMAO, I have the express responsibility of asking the question: why was E.D. Hill moved to Fox News Live from 10 a.m. to 12 p.m.?

And why was there no big farewell to E.D. on Fox & Friends (nevermind that you have to do a stinking google search to even find E.D.'s bio on the Fox site)? It makes me think that Brian threw a big hissy fit or something and they didn't want a big farewell, or E.D. didn't even know she was moving to FNL. E.D.'s bio was updated as of Friday. She is officially the anchor of Fox News live 10 to noon. BTW, there was a big smirk on Steve's face when E.D. threw it to him for the weather for the first time during FNL. Almost like, "Hey, E.D., how ya doin'? You and I know why this is crazy, but we can't tell." And E.D. did not smirk back in kind. So my theory is still that Brian threw a hissy fit. That's my official rumor that I'm starting.

And Gretchen Carlson is officially the new Fox & Friends girl. My only official opinion on this replacement is this: She's been with Fox News for like 5 minutes (a little over a year). She's too cutesy and nice for my taste. I just don't see her being opinionated and mean enough to suit me. E.D. has opinions and explodes like a big Roman candle, and Gretchen seems like she'll just sit there and look pretty. And what's wrong with all the pretty girls who have been at Fox for so much longer, biding their time and waiting for E.D. to have so many babies that she just couldn't work anymore? Lauren Green, Juliet Huddy, even that liberal Kiran Chetry. But Gretchen Carlson? I'm sorry, but her demeanor makes me yawn. Not something you want from a wake up show.

Poor E.D. She's trying so hard to look happy today. Well, E.D., I would have picked you over Brian. And even Steve (who's the only Friend to ever answer my emails).

UPDATE: while I'm on the subject of really bad Fox moves, I abhor the new layout of the Fox website. It's disorganized, ugly, bland, and disjointed. Change for the sake of change is stupid.

Rating: 2.7/5 (52 votes cast)

Comments (44)
Posted by Frank J. at 09:17 AM | Email This

* As you probably know, Bill Clinton threw a hissy fit on FOX News Sunday when he got asked some extremely obvious questions about his conduct in trying to fight terrorism during his two terms in office. I didn't watch the interview because, oddly enough, I have no interest in watching the former President throw a hissy fit.

Incidentally, the question labeled a "conservative hit job" was also asked by Chris Wallace to Donald Rumsfeld, who, presumably, didn't throw a little tantrum in response.

Tip for Bill Clinton: Your Presidential legacy is a stained blue dress; learn to live with it.

BTW, Clinton says he was criticized for being "too obsessed" with Osama bin Laden. Can anyone come up with a single example of that criticism being used again Bill Clinton? Not only do I doubt any politician or pundit ever said such a thing, I don’t even think you could locate a crazy drunk on the street who ever spouted such a thing.

* The Arizona 9/11 Memorial consists of a bunch of America-bashing MoveOn.org talking-points, but somehow I just can't get worked up about this. Maybe I’ve just come to expect this sort of thing now and am a bit outrage-fatigued.

* One thing I'm outraged about (because if I'm not, SarahK will hit me) is that Citgo is owned by Hugo Chavez. I'm supporting the boycott on them to avoid being hit and because I don't want my money going to a Venezuelan thug. I know oil money probably goes to a lot of people I don't like, but we have to focus on one at a time until America can handle all of its energy need internally.

Anyway, ThoseShirts.com has a shirt for the Citgo Boycott. Check it out... and then buy an IMAO t-shirt because we need more money or SarahK will hit me.

Rating: 2.3/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (81)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 08:15 AM | Email This


1) (T/F) Lisa once offered up this dinner prayer, "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub"

2) When the Simpsons go camping, where does Maggie spend her first night?

3) In "Moaning Lisa", what is the name of the toothpaste Lisa brushes with?

4) Why didn't Bleeding Gums Murphy ever go to a dentist?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.4/5 (27 votes cast)

Comments (2) | Simpsons Trivia
September 24, 2006
An Unauthorized Carnival Of Comedy
Posted by spacemonkey at 09:18 PM | Email This

The Carnival has been on hiatus. I'm sure you've noticed. Haven't you? Just humor me.

There has been a development though, a brigand in the spirit of talk like a pirate day, has taken over the good ship Carnival of Comedy and posted it without approval, clearance or authorization.

They also did it without permission. I did not sign off on it or greenlight it.

I did not say it was alright or allowed.

I did, however, say it ws OK.

Go check it out at The Evil Incarnate Blog.

Anarchy Rules.

Rating: 2.3/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (3) | Why Me Laugh?
Fun Facts About North Dakota
Posted by Harvey at 02:41 PM | Email This

The IMAO Podcast is still on hiatus, but I have an irresistible urge to finish up the rest of the states in the Fun Facts About The 50 States series, so I'm going to forge ahead - hopefully on a weekly schedule.

Should the podcast return, this is the list from which I'll pick & choose my favorite items to record.

(continued in extended entry)


Rating: 2.2/5 (26 votes cast)

Comments (10) | Fun Trivia
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 01:58 PM | Email This


1) Which famous statesman does Mayor Quimby sound like?

2) What does Ned Flanders sell over the internet?

3) Who said, "Homer is a brutally honest man, completely tactless and insensitive"?

4) What job did the Crazy Old Man have when he was young?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 1.9/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (4) | Simpsons Trivia
September 23, 2006
Osama Bin Laden Is Dead Again
Posted by Frank J. at 01:25 PM | Email This


I remember the first time Osama was dead. What a happy day that was.

The guy is like the reverse of Elvis; the tabloids are full of people who swear they just saw bin Laden dead at the mall. Until I see him dancing around in dead puppet theater like Uday and Qusay, I ain't believing nothing.

Rating: 2.1/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (16)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 08:41 AM | Email This


1) In "Bart the General", what does Abe tell Bart he can't do to his soldiers?

2) Why did Homer once pawn the family TV set?

3) In one of his nightmares Bart dies, and Nelson does what to him at the funeral?

4) In "There's No Disgrace Like Home", Homer learns that the answers to his life's problems are found where?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 1.8/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Simpsons Trivia
September 22, 2006
It's Like Those Monkeys at the Beginning of 2001: A Space Odyssey Trying to Figure Out the Black Obelisk
Posted by Frank J. at 08:23 PM | Email This

There is a sign available for Democrats who support Michael Steele that says "Steele Democrat." You have to see this discussion of it at DailyKos; it's priceless.

When a couple of the monkeys figure out it's meant to be a sign for Democrats for Steele, one of them asserts it's too confusing because "Black guy + Democrat + Blue logos + Steele => Steele is a Democrat"

Yeah, the Democrats own the color blue and being black. The Kos Kids really need to venture out of the echo chamber every so often, because, reading this discussion, you'd swear all of them just stepped off of the short bus.

Rating: 2.2/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (21)
Sweet Home Al-Aboomboom
Posted by spacemonkey at 03:19 PM | Email This

Sweet Home Al-Aboomboom

I didn't make this, but I sure do like it.

Rating: 2.5/5 (30 votes cast)

Comments (11) | ignis fatuous
A Post for People Who Don't Like Terrorists
Posted by Frank J. at 03:14 PM | Email This

"I'll slap you on the belly and insult your mother until you tell us everything you know!"

Actually, I'm not sure the CIA is allowed to insult the mothers of terrorists, but, with the new rules on interrogation, you can expect many pink bellied terrorists in the future.

Now, I believe many IMAO readers don't like terrorists. If this is true, then you should buy the new IMAO Know Thy Enemy: Terrorists t-shirt (now shipping!).

If you do like terrorists, then the number one way to show that is to not buy the shirt.

Otherwise, you should buy the shirt. Remember, a good portion of the proceeds go towards feeding our dog Rowdi.

I'm so hungry, and SarahK beats me.

Since it keeps getting asked, we are still working on editing the first IMW compilation and it should be out soon. Editing is a bigger job that I thought, and SarahK is working hard on it as, obviously, I'm not very good at proofreading. When it is done, I will tell you and you can order it and give us more money.

Also, there are a couple new designs in the Cool Quotes section of the IMAO Store. We hope to do more with the store in the future (and finally get out another newsletter).

Remember: IMAO loves you and your money.

Rating: 2.3/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (7)
At least I've still got my faked moon landing theory
Posted by Frank J. at 01:58 PM | Email This

Face of Mars proven to be . . . not a face . . . previous conspiracy theory

and Mysterious Object Keeps Shuttle Crew in Orbit

Rating: 2.3/5 (21 votes cast)

Ducky is here to stay
Posted by RightWingDuck at 01:34 PM | Email This

After much consideration I have decided to stay as one of the IMAO bloggers.

Why the change? Financial reasons.

Frank J offered me a lucrative financial package which would let me retire in a mere 99 years.

Yay for me!!

I will be starting a new series on Monday so make sure to tune in.

In the meantime, I have set up my own little snark site as a means of declaring my indepedence and grown-up-ness.

Please visit. The name and hosting company will change in the coming months, but at least you can be entertained for now.

RWD News.

Rating: 2.6/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (20)
Now That's Rich
Posted by Frank J. at 01:28 PM | Email This

Kos refused to go on a TV show to talk about Hugo Chavez because his site is "focused on important things."

When did that happen?

Isn't this the same site that spent months focused on nothing but the dangers of Joe Lieberman? That spent the run up to the 5th anniversary of the 9/11 attacks focused on nothing but Disney because of the miniseries it financed?

Anytime something big happens in foreign affairs or new news come out about terrorism, you know you can turn to DailyKos to find that completely ignored in favor of some minor polling data on a few local elections. I swear, the average teenage girl blogging about her day is focused on much more important things than Kos, and she's not trying to funnel poo-flinging anger into an election issue.

Much like the cockroach avoids light, maybe Kos is getting wary of more media focus. He probably realizes how he comes off as little dingus to most Americans and feels much safer in his protected echo chamber. Well, I want the media to know Frank J. is ready to appear on TV at anytime to talk about anything. There's nothing so unimportant that I would turn down publicity rather than talk about it at length.

Really, just e-mail me if you have a roundtable seat in need of filling. I also do birthday parties.

Rating: 2.5/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (4)
IMAO Bonus Point Awarding!
Posted by Frank J. at 12:27 PM | Email This

Let's see who wins IMAO Bonus Points!

First, we have the caption contest of the screaming jihadi.

The winning entry is...


Rating: 2.5/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (13)
Just in case you have a few bucks to spare...
Posted by Laurence Simon at 10:40 AM | Email This

In case there are a few deranged folks out there that are here just for the Friday Catblogging...


Rating: 2.8/5 (18 votes cast)

Friday Catblogging
Posted by Laurence Simon at 09:40 AM | Email This

Since it's Friday, I thought I'd spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka "I-MEOW").

Every other IMAO blogger would be catblogging today, but they are too busy baking me the World's Biggest Challah for Rosh Hoshana. (I keep telling them that Rosh Hoshana is Rush Limbaugh's stepbrother.)

Anyway, it's time for Nardo, King of Pants:

If you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Nardo is... um...

Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.

You can find more examples of Friday catblogging by searching a blog search engine such as Technorati for "catblogging."

You can also find a roundup of catblogging posts at The Friday Ark, located at The Modulator blog.

Then, when the weekend is nearly over, head over to The Carnival of the Cats for more kitty goodness.

There's also Flickr Groups called Furry Friday and Friday Catblogging.

Anybody I miss?

Rating: 2.0/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (7)
Most Elected Democrats Would Probably Be Banned from DU and Troll-Rated at DailyKos for Their Views
Posted by Frank J. at 08:42 AM | Email This

I saw Sen. Chuck Schumer on FOX & Friends this morning really rip into Hugo Chavez. I wish I had the transcript, but he basically said that Chavez is a demagogue whose made his country poor and most likely simply isn't smart enough to last much longer. It seems most Republicans are just not dignifying Chavez with a response, but it's still cool to see the thug called what he is by our politicians.

Far as I see it, even the worst Democrat politician out there still has plenty of standing to look down on that moron Hugo.


I know some people think some of the Democrats speaking out about Chavez are just posturing (and some probably are), but what I liked about Schumer's remarks were it was exactly what I thought about Chavez (I don't think a Republican could have made the point more forcefully) and he didn't temper the remark by adding some criticism of President Bush. If he was just acting angry about Chavez, it was really good acting.

Rating: 2.2/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (14)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 06:57 AM | Email This


1) (T/F) Snake often says, "Excellent!" when things are going his way

2) What does Martin Prince always have in his breast pocket?

3) What college does Lisa fear she may end up at?

4) According to Bart, how is Homer like Thomas Edison?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.3/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Simpsons Trivia
Hugo Chavez doesn't just stop with cheap, tained heating oil...
Posted by Laurence Simon at 12:08 AM | Email This

So we're all familiar with Venezuelan thug Hugo Chavez's use of gifts of cheap gas and heating oil to poor Americans through Citgo, but did you realize that he's also using Citgo for even more nefarious attempts to win the hearts and minds of unsuspecting dupes?

That's right. For instance, Saturday's game at Minute Maid Park in Houston is running a special promotion:

Fan Appreciation Day: Roger Clemens bobbleheads for the first 10,000 Fans

And it's sponsored by... CITGO!

Take a big whiff of these wobbly-necked Satanic icons, people. I bet you'll smell the infernal reek of sulfur.

I refuse to accept such cheap trinkets from a petrofascist scumbag. Especially when it looks like Roger's been given the Mary Kate Olsen treatment... not even Randy Johnson's that thin.

It's only all-American fat Roger Clemens bobbleheads for my kittycats.

Rating: 2.2/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (3)
September 21, 2006
Posted by Frank J. at 07:22 PM | Email This

My sister the costume designer did some work in the CSI that comes on tonight. Extra IMAO bonus points for whoever figures out what outfit in the episode my silly sister made (it won't be some random costume in the crowd or something like that).


Yep, it was in the episode. In the previous post I wrote about this, there's a hint about what outfit she made.

You can't have missed it, BTW.

Rating: 2.3/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (12)
The Power of Blogs
Posted by Frank J. at 04:30 PM | Email This

I should give a shout out to John Hawkins and the gang for reaching their fundraising goal with Rightroots. I don't know how they did it (they were a bit from the goal last I checked yesterday), but they did it, and because of that the RNC is going to send out a promotional e-mail for Rightroots on their giant e-mail list.

Anyway, kudos for helping those Republican candidates raise needed funds and for continuing the fight. There are many arguments out there that Speaker Pelosi (or Murtha) in 2007 would actually be best in the long run for the GOP, but I'm not quite buying it. Also, now Republicans might pay blogs more attention (well, no one is paying me anymore attention).

If nothing else comes of this, John McCain got a kind mention from John Hawkins; that's not something you see every day.

Rating: 2.1/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (2)
No More Foreign Leaders!
Posted by Frank J. at 02:11 PM | Email This

Seeing Hugo Chavez and Ama-dibba-dobble-dooble on TV all the time has made me realize one truth: Foreign leaders are a nuisance that must end.

Foreign leaders smell, talk in funny languages, and get in America's way. They contribute nothing and should be done away with. We should all sign a petition urging our government to end the practice of there being foreign leaders.

Or, alternatively, it could be required that the guy who translates thuggish foreign leaders speeches live for TV be a flaming homosexual, because that would be funny.

"Iran is super! Thanks for asking! And I'd just like to add, I think suicide bombers are fab-u-lous!"

Just throwing some ideas out there.

BTW, do you think the whole "it smells of sulfur here" comment from Chavez was to try and cover the fact he let out a huge fart? Does he do that back in his country?

"Do you smell that? I guess Satan was sitting here earlier."

Really, if you're going to spend all your time saying Bush is the devil and reading Chomsky, then start a diary on Kos and leave running a government to more serious people.

Rating: 1.9/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (20)
All Oil Companies Suck
Posted by sarahk at 01:23 PM | Email This

This I know, for the Bible tells me so. No wait, that's something else. Oh yes. Jesus loves me. But anyway, I know that all oil companies suck, because I feel it in my soul, whether the Bible says it or not.

But there is one that sucks more than all the rest. That one is Citgo. And we know why. Citgo is Hugo Chavez's baby. And yesterday, Hugo said that America is on its way down, "insh'allah" (God willing in Arabic). Citgo smells like sulfur.

I'll be honest. I'm not a boycotter. I'm just not. Sometimes I say it's because they don't work. You can't get big enough participation in a boycott to actually make it work. Plus, with a boycott of a nutjob like Chavez, some loony nutter on the left is going to round up all of his friend and the two of them are going to fill up their hybrids like twice a day at Citgo just to show their support for the great happy fun sunshiny place that is communism. Of course, driving the hybrids around to expend that gasoline between fillups will cause global warming and make the earth burn to cinders within 30 minutes, so then we won't have to worry about the threat of Iran and Al Qaeda anymore, so maybe a boycott will do some good.

The truth behind why I don't boycott is that I'm just lazy. Lazy lazy lazy. Boycotting requires work, it requires going out of your way, and in the case of food and products, it sometimes requires eating products that don't taste as good or consuming products that don't work as well. (As an aside, I do wear undies that are made in Israel. And to prove my point, yes. They're stinking uncomfortable and should be used by the CIA in interrogations of terror suspects.) And if I start boycotting every country that has a stupid leader or every cuckoo singer that comes out with their tongue hanging out of the side of their mouth saying that Bush personally drowned 6500 black people standing next to the levees in New Orleans, I'll be stuck wearing clothes made out of cotton I can grow in my own yard (I don't know the first thing about that!) and loading my mp3 player with recordings of myself singing "Hugo Chavez is a Big Fat Bobblehead".

But this is gasoline. Gasoline is gasoline. They can make all their little commercials and claims about how one gasoline is better than the next. Whatever. Cars are gonna fall apart no matter what gasoline you put in them. And it's only about another mile between the Citgo right next to our house and the next sucky oil company (bp).

Screw him. Screw Citgo. My boycott is on, you bobbleheaded pincushion.

(Frank, in case you are wondering, your boycott is on, too.)

Rating: 2.3/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (30)
Quote of the day!!!!!
Posted by sarahk at 12:14 PM | Email This

President Nutjob from Iran:

"If the nuclear bomb could have saved anyone, it would have prevented the collapse of the Soviet Union."

Oh my goodness, I am howling with laughter at that one. (Sorry, I'm catching up, I had to pause the TV for a call from my mother who was profiling Arab-looking kids at the airport. They turned out to be in the Army, but you can never be too careful.)

Rating: 2.1/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (7)
I Hope My IMW Book Will Get This Sort of Product Placement
Posted by Frank J. at 09:30 AM | Email This


It's a great read about America's imperialistic excesses. Plus, you can beat dissidents with it.

I'll announce the winner of the previous caption contest soon and award him or her the IMAO bonus points.

Rating: 2.3/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (62)
Waterboarding USA
Posted by Frank J. at 08:55 AM | Email This

To show what the horror of waterboarding, Andrew Sullivan turned to a clip from the scifi show The 4400. Unfortunately, the government stepped in to keep him from revealing the truth.

Last night on The O'Reilly Factor, though, ABC investigative reporter Brian Ross gave exclusive details on who the CIA has used waterboarding on and what information was gained and who broke down crying like a little girl. Reportedly, an attack against a huge target was thwarted from information got by waterboarding Khaled Sheikh Mohammed.

So, people like Sullivan have to ask themselves how many lives saved justify waterboarding Al Qaeda terrorists. The answer for me is .005 people; if waterboarding KSM might save one person from skinning his knee, I'm all for it.

Anyway, make sure to watch this important video over at Hot Air.

Other Interesting Hot Air Videos:

* If you want a journalist to stand up to a dictator, have the dictator question his journalistic integrity. Watch Anderson Cooper zing Ama-dibble-dooble-dibber in an interview.

* Glenn Beck was right; we're going to get nuked.

Rating: 2.1/5 (27 votes cast)

Comments (3)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 07:22 AM | Email This


1) Who thinks it is "unpossible" that he'd fail English?

2) In "Homer Alone", where does Marge go to get away from it all?

3) (T/F) Baby photographer and airline steward are two of the jobs Marge's dad once had

4) Marge once worked as a carhop at which burger stand?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.4/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (3) | Simpsons Trivia
September 20, 2006
The Ultimate Showdown!
Posted by Frank J. at 06:58 PM | Email This

Of Ultimate Destiny!

Optimus Prime versus Batman versus Godzilla versus...

It's every cool character ever in a battle to the death. Watch it now.

Who do you think should have won?

(hat tip to Musilhoon)

Rating: 2.4/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (19)
In My World: fU.N.
Posted by Frank J. at 02:39 PM | Email This

A horrible roar echoed through the hallways.

"It's the Bolton!" shouted a UN peacekeeper. "Open fire!"

They all fired, but Bolton wasn't even slowed.

"His mustache! The bullets are bouncing right off it!"

"Then fire around it!"

"We can't! It's too big!"

Bolton came ever closer, his 'stache quivering with fury.

* * * *

"The UN guys give you much trouble here?" President Bush asked John Bolton.

"No. They are nothing to me."

"Cool." Bush looked around the luncheon to the other foreign dignitaries. "I thought we were supposed to come in our tribal clothes. That's why I have my cowboy hat and my gun belt." Bush patted his six-shooter.

"They allowed you to bring that in here?"

"No one complained who wasn't shot." Bush smiled. "I'm gonna pistol whip that Ama-dibba-dabba-dooble midget from Iran. I don't like him." Bush looked around again. "Hey. There's Hugo Chavez! I want to hurt him too!" Bush ran over to Chavez.

"El diablo!"

"I don't know what that means," Bush said, "but I have a message for you." Bush hit Hugo with his pistol, knocking him to the ground. He then started stomping him. "That's right! I stomp Communists!"

"Diablo hurt Hugo!" Hugo cried.

"Then why don't you see if you can get a hug from one of your terrorist friends." Bush then spat on Hugo. "Nutjob." He walked back over to Bolton. "This luncheon is fun! I should come to U.N. Security Council meeting more often. I wonder who I should hurt next?"

"You stupid American!" Jacques Chirac shouted at Bush. "Why must you oppress the dictators of the world? France will use all its power to stop you!"

Bush just stared at Chirac. After a few moments, Chirac tossed his wallet to Bush and dropped to the ground and curled up into a ball. "That's right." Bush looked through the wallet and then tossed it back to Chirac. "That's all stupid French money. Get it exchanged for real money then give it back to me."

"Yes sir," Chirac squeaked and then scampered off.

Bush kept looking around. "So where's the itty-bitty Iranian?"

"There." Bolton pointed to the entrance to the luncheon where Ahmadinejad stood, peering inside cautiously.

Bush strolled over and smiled mischievously. "Come on in, stubby. I want to 'greet' you."

Ahmadinejad looked at Bush and shivered. "Uh... I would but..." He pointed at a bottle on a table. "There's wine! Yeah, that's the ticket, I can't come in because there is wine. Wine has alcohol and that’s against what Allah says in... uh... that book I read."

Bush looked at the bottle. "That's sparkling grape juice."

"Well... uh... that's something made to resemble an alcoholic beverage, which is also an insult to Allah... or something... I think. I'll have to consult an imam on this." Ahmadinejad ran off.

Bush went out into the hallway and shouted at him, "Yeah! Go run off to your imommy!"

"So, you have your speech ready?" Bolton asked Bush.

"Yeah. I think it will go over well. I'm not the best public speaker, but I could be worse."

* * * *

"The next question goes to Senator George Allen."

Peggy Fox looked through her notes. "My question is..." She stood up and pointed an accusing finger at Allen. "Joooooooooooo!"

"I'm not a Jew! I'm not a Jew!" Allen exclaimed. He pointed back at Fox. "You're a macaca!" He then moved his finger to point at everyone in the audience. "You're all macacas!"

* * * *

"The next speaker is President Bush of..." Kofi Annan checked the paper he held. "...the United States."

The auditorium erupted in boos. Bush fired his gun in the air. "Shut up! I'm speaking now!" Bush pulled out some index cards and began reading out loud. "Now, you know we all hate the U.N. here in America. It's stupid and annoying. Plus, it's full of foreigners who all smell. A number of times I've suggested turning this building here into a big shooting range. If that happens, we won't give you any warning though; just one day a bunch of people will enter here firing guns. Also, I hate your leader, Coffee Anna. I don't want to be accused of using racial slurs, but he's a dumb cracker and I curse his mustache.

"But I digress. The reason I'm here is because of Iran and how its dwarven leader wants nukes. I was going to beat him up, but he actually runs pretty fast on those stubby little legs. I shouldn't just focus on him, though, since he's just a puppet of those mad mullahs. And it's appropriate that he's a puppet because he's small... like a puppet. Anyway, if Iran keeps trying to get nukes, I will nuke them. But, I don't want to hurt the citizens of Iran who want democracy, so I'll use those nukes that only kill one person at a time on Ama-jibber-jabber and those mullahs."

Bush looked to Bolton. "What do we call those nukes that only kill one person at a time?"


Bush addressed the auditorium. "Yes, I will kill the Iranian president and the mullahs with bullets." He started reading from the index cards again. "I would like your support in this. I don't actually need it, though, because I'm the President of the most powerful nation ever. Actually, I'm not even going to stay and listen to your speeches to see if you support me, because those speeches will be in crazy languages I don't understand and they will be made by people who don't even live in America. Now, I don't listen to what most Americans say, so why would I listen to people who don't live in America? That wouldn't make any sense at all.

"Still, you people can help me. Many of your countries are stupid, but you can still follow simple instructions." A wallet was tossed to Bush, and he caught it and checked the inside. He then pocketed it. "See, even a Frenchman can follow simple instruction when given forcefully. I know some of you will never help me, like Hugo Chavez, so I'll probably beat you up while you’re here since I don't have time to fly to each of your countries and then beat you up."

Hugo held up a Noam Chomsky book to protect his face. "Save me from Diablo!"

"That's the only reason I like having the U.N.," Bush continued. "It brings all the dictators to me so I can beat them up instead of going to their countries... which usually smell. One day, I would like to break Castro's hip... preferably before he dies."

Bush took out his last index card. "In closing, after this November, I can pretty much do whatever I want since I no longer have to worry about public opinion. What I will want to do will probably cause many of you to cry and me to laugh. It will be fun. Thank you, and God bless."

Suddenly, a bunch of people ran into the auditorium firing guns. Bush was surprised for a second, but then he slapped his forehead and said, "Oh yeah, that started today." Bush took his gun out and fired it into the crowd. "Yee haw!"

Rating: 2.7/5 (25 votes cast)

Comments (28) | In My World
Posted by sarahk at 11:56 AM | Email This





VENEZUELA WANTS TO REESTABLISH THE UNITED NATIONS. We need a psychologist to analyze President Bush. Oh, and by the way, can I have a seat on the security council?

!@#$%^&*()!@#$%^&*(!@#$%^&*() Oh, SarahK needs to say a prayer right now, because SarahK made an ugly hand gesture at the TV and said something very very ugly to Mr. Hugo Chavez.


If SarahK were president, Mr. Hugo Chavez would arrive home to find his favorite comfy chair relocated. The kitties would love to sleep in Mr. Chavez's favorite comfy chair. Scratch that. Mr. Chavez would not have received a diplomatic visa to the United States and would not be giving a speech in New York, which is in the United States. If some guy (who would be losing his job) accidentally gave a diplomatic visa to this guy, this guy would be - ahem - detained by - ahem - an organization unknown to the hegemonistic SarahKU.S. government. All of Mr. Chavez's oil, i.e. Citgo, would now belong to the hegemonistic U.S. government. Oh yeah, and the U.N. wouldn't actually be here anymore, and the U.S. wouldn't actually be a part of that worthless organization. So we'd have a lot more money for fighting terrorists and building borders! Yay!

And Mr. Chavez would get to sit down in a room for hours upon hours in the dark until all the hours ran together and Mr. Chavez wasn't quite sure how many days had passed. And when the door to the room opened, he would get to see this.


Rating: 2.4/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (42)
Nuke Does Not Mean Destroy
Posted by Frank J. at 11:12 AM | Email This

Apparently there was an episode of Mr. Show with a sketch about blowing up the moon. I've never seen Mr. Show and don't know when that sketch first appeared, and, before anyone accuses me of plagiarism, know that my advocating nuking the moon does not mean I want it destroyed. My plan has been to explode a nuke on the moon's surface so it's visible to everyone, but otherwise leave it unharmed (but with a cool new crater).

I hope that clarifies things.

Rating: 2.6/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (11)
Democrats Only Wish They Had My Genius for Negative Ad Campaigns
Posted by Frank J. at 09:09 AM | Email This

Glenn Reynolds wonders if Democrats are going to start channeling me for their negative ads. Wouldn't hurt. I mean, who are they channeling now? A three-year-old with an ear infection?

Anyway, for the record, Michael Steele loves puppies.


I hear there is a whisper campaign among lefty blogs trying to spread the rumor that Michael Steele is black. They seem to think this will hurt his standing among Southern voters, but I think that plan may backfire.


Liberals have found out that the dog is Steele's commercial IS NOT HIS ACTUAL DOG!

That's right, IT'S A STAND IN DOG!

If Michael Steele loves puppies so much, WHY IS HE ASHAMED OF HIS OWN DOG?!

(I think that makes it official: The Democrats really do need to hire me to help with their negative attacks.)

Rating: 2.1/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 07:09 AM | Email This


1) (T/F) Trunkmeister was Bart's elephant's name

2) What was Bart's collie dog's name?

3) In the year 2000, the Springfield Tire Yard celebrated what anniversary of its fire?

4) Who is Mr. Burn's rival at the Shelbyville Nuclear Power Plant?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.1/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (2) | Simpsons Trivia
September 19, 2006
My Silly Sister Hits Bigtime!
Posted by Frank J. at 10:55 PM | Email This

Season premiere of the most watched drama on TV big.

As you know, my silly sister Sarah is a costume designer. She got to do a "little" work for an episode of CSI, and it ends up its the season premiere this Thursday, 9PM ET. Watch it and see if you can figure out what costume she made.

Rating: 1.8/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (2)
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (sadly) live at the UN
Posted by Laurence Simon at 06:58 PM | Email This

Iran's Madman-In-Chief Mahmoud Ahmadinejad will be speaking at the United Nations shortly.

The United Nations streams the annual "debates" at http://www.un.org/webcast/ in RealPlayer format.

The text of his speech along with a video clip of his speech will probably be posted at http://www.un.org/webcast/ga/61/index.shtml sometime afterwards.

Rating: 2.5/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (17)
Atlantis Can't Land, So Protect Your Blood!
Posted by Frank J. at 04:40 PM | Email This

As you all know, a mysterious object is keeping Shuttle Atlantis from landing. Can one conclude that this mysterious object is in fact an alien craft?

Yes, there is no other reasonable conclusion.

Also, are we to conclude the aliens are here to harvest our blood?

Since there is no evidence the aliens have purchased tickets to Disney World, the only reasonable conclusion is that they are here to harvest our blood.

Thus, we should all prepare for an alien attack. As for my preparations, I will stock up on firewood. Since I live in Florida and have never had a need for firewood, I have none and thus need to stock up.

All in all, I am very disappointed in President Bush. He was supposed to build a wall to the south to keep Mexicans out and a wall to the north to keep Canadians out and a large dome to keep space aliens out. He has failed. When the aliens land and begin to harvest our blood, there will be no one to blame but Bush. It is unreasonable to blame the aliens, because they know no of nothing else than blood harvesting.

And I am reasonable.

Rating: 2.2/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (18)
IMAO EXCLUSIVE: New Proposed Interrogation Techniques
Posted by Frank J. at 12:36 PM | Email This

As you probably know, the following are the interrogation techniques the CIA is requesting to use:

* Inducing hypothermia ("I'm sorry, but I can't make it warmer in here because it's already too hot in my office and both areas are controlled by the same thermostat.")

* Forcing suspects to stand for prolonged periods ("Now watch as I put a plush pillow on this chair you're not allowed to sit on! Muh ha ha ha!")

* Sleep deprivation ("You asleep yet? ...How about now? ...How about now? ...How about now? ...")

* Forcefully seizing the suspects shirt ("I've grabbed your shirt! Now tell me all you know!")

* Open hand slapping that hurts but does not lead to physical damage ("That was for being fresh!")

* Belly slap ("Pink belly! Pink belly! Pink belly!")

* Sounds and light manipulation ("I'm going to turn on and off the lights until you tell me all you know! Still not talking? Then lets listen to Sting's Greatest Hits!")

Many consider these brutal forms of torture that put America on equal footing with the terrorists we propose to stop. But, if these techniques aren't allowed, then what are?

In response, those opposed to America becoming a nation of torture have proposed a bill that outlines acceptable interrogation techniques. Here is the excerpt from the relevant portion:


Rating: 2.0/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (23)
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 10:28 AM | Email This

What torture did Hitler use against his most hated dissidents?


Rating: 2.4/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (12) | Fun Trivia
Summary of the Virginia Senate Race
Posted by Frank J. at 09:57 AM | Email This







Rating: 2.0/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Terrorists Deserve Comfy Chairs
Posted by Frank J. at 09:22 AM | Email This

As mentioned last night, the interrogation techniques the CIA wants to use to question terrorists have been revealed, and one is to make terrorists stand for long periods of time. The always excitable Andrew Sullivan is quick to point out that forcing people to stand IS EXACTLY WHAT SOVIET GULAGS DID!

So, before you start supporting this interrogation technique, you have to ask yourself whether you’re comfortable being as bad as Stalin - or a McDonald's employer - by forcing people to stand for long periods of time. Is it really worth saving hundreds or even thousands of innocent lives if that information was gained by making someone stand? Is it?


Well, I won't stand for this... because standing for this would only be torturing myself.

Rating: 2.2/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Remember to Annoy You Coworkers
Posted by Frank J. at 09:05 AM | Email This

Reminder: Today is International Talk Like a Pirate.

Since it's international, I wonder if they'll observe it at the U.N. It would be pretty cool if Mahmoud Ahmadinejad got up to speak and said, "Arrr! Those jooos in Israel are after me doubloons!"

And then someone shoots him with a musket.


I forgot Bush's speech at the U.N. is today. Maybe he'll threaten some dictators with keelhauling.

Rating: 2.0/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 07:53 AM | Email This


1) (T/F) Hydro Land is the name of Springfield's water park

2) Which band played at Marge and Homer's senior prom?

3) What kind of beer does Homer drink when he visits the Happy Sumo restaurant?

4) Bart gets hit by what year and make of car?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.0/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (3) | Simpsons Trivia
This Job Would Be Easier If Iraqi Houses Had Doorbells
Posted by Harvey at 07:49 AM | Email This

Iraqi police guard precious shipments of Avon beauty products during delivery to the newly de-burqafied women of Iraq.

[Hat tip to CENTCOM for the pic]

Rating: 2.5/5 (25 votes cast)

Comments (7)
September 18, 2006
Noooo! That's Silk!
Posted by Frank J. at 08:28 PM | Email This

The torture techniques of the CIA have been leaked. You may think these techniques are fine and dandy to use to question terrorists, but what if enemy countries start using such torture? If you support this now, will you be able to sleep at night if one of our troops is captured by Iran and we receive word that his shirt was grabbed in a forceful manner?

Seriously, though, if Jack Bauer were limited to these techniques, wouldn't 24 be the most boring show ever?

(hat tip Hot Air)

Rating: 2.3/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (7)
Persistence Versus Intelligence
Posted by Frank J. at 06:18 PM | Email This

Bruce Schneier, a security expert who likes to look towards nature for innovative examples of security, mentioned this problem which was found on Slashdot:

Back in the 1980s, Yosemite National Park was having a serious problem with bears: They would wander into campgrounds and break into the garbage bins. This put both bears and people at risk. So the Park Service started installing armored garbage cans that were tricky to open -- you had to swing a latch, align two bits of handle, that sort of thing. But it turns out it's actually quite tricky to get the design of these cans just right. Make it too complex and people can't get them open to put away their garbage in the first place. Said one park ranger, "There is considerable overlap between the intelligence of the smartest bears and the dumbest tourists."

I don't know if this story is really true, but it sounds true, which is good enough for a blog.

Okay, it doesn't even have to sound true, it just has to help prove a point.

Anyway, the point (as identified by Schneier) is, despite the glib statement by the park ranger, that the average tourist - who, on a zoological scale, is very smart - will not be willing to spend very long to figure out a trashcan. A bear - even a smarter than average one - is not very smart compared to a human, but he or she will spend hours trying to figure out how to open a trashcan (what else does a bear have to do? Protest the pope?). Thus, you have two competing factors: How can you make a trashcan simple enough so that a lazy tourist doesn't just leave his trash out but complex enough that a hungry bear with plenty of spare time can't figure it out through trial and error?

I love engineering problems where you have to find the balance of two requirements that are at odds with each other. My favorite is the gun: if it ever fires when you don't want it to, you could die; if it ever fails to fire when you want it to, you could die.

Rating: 2.3/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (11)
The 61st United Nations General Assembly Drinking Game
Posted by Laurence Simon at 03:11 PM | Email This

Well, it's that time of year again... The United Nations General Assembly meets for the 61th time. This means there will be the usual parade of dictators, despots, and death-dealers lining up to shriek, bitch, and beg.

Now I proposed a few fun games to play two years ago, and I even got a drinking game together for #60, but times change... and the anti-American/anti-Semitic UN doesn't!

Here we go again:


Drink for each of the following:

  • A speaker tries to speak English. Badly. (Includes George Bush)
  • A speaker mentions being in New York City, site of 9/11 (Includes George Bush)
  • A speaker shows up in full tribal dress (Triple if it's George Bush)
  • A speaker denounces the American government. (Double if they're a recipient of American foreign aid)
  • A speaker denounces the Israeli government. (No bonus if it's the Israeli representative himself, double if it is a government that is currently occupying territory: Turkey in Kurdistan, Spain in Morocco, England in Gibraltar, etc.)
  • A speaker praises a fellow dead dictator. (ie Hitler, Castro, Dan Rather)
  • A speaker praises Kofi Annan. (Double if it's Kofi Annan)
  • A speaker whines about an old grudge. (ie Azerbaijan vs. Armenia, Turks vs. Greeks or Greek Cypriots, Roger Waters vs. his medication)
  • A speaker "shows solidarity" with Iraqis, but their country hasn't lifted a damn finger to help them.
  • A speaker "shows solidarity" with Lebanese, but their country hasn't lifted a damn finger to help them.


  • Video shows Arabs/Muslims walking out before Israel speaks.
  • A speaker demands Kofi Annan gets re-elected to a third term as Secretary General.
  • A shoe or other form of footwear is pounded on the podium.
  • Hezbollah, Al-Qaida and Viacom send representatives to speak at the podium.
  • Someone says "Sofia Loren's in her seventies, and she's still hot!"
  • A formal declaration of war is made from the podium.
  • The Twelfth Imam emerges from under the podium, wipes his mouth, and says "One hundred and eightythree! Beat that, Elton John!"

Any other rules I should add?

Oh, and feel free to study last year's archive of speeches to study what this collective bunch of bastards love to whine about. Not only does the webcast let you see the unedited (ie uncensored by AP and Reuters) whining from around the world, but you can watch the proceedings at your liesure to avoid having to drink while at work.

Unless you want to drink while at work.

Rating: 1.8/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (19)
The Pope and The Splodey-Dopes
Posted by spacemonkey at 02:25 PM | Email This

Am I the only one who finds the the Islamic response to Benedict's speech just a tad bit, well, for lack of a better word,


That said, a problem arises, where do we send all the French peacekeepers?

Rating: 2.4/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (13)
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 02:05 PM | Email This

What could happen if radical Muslims aren't stopped?


Rating: 2.4/5 (29 votes cast)

Comments (9) | Fun Trivia
Whiny Whiny Murderous Islamists
Posted by Frank J. at 10:46 AM | Email This

They murder people, the scream havoc, but you merely prick them and they whine and sob greater than any two-year-old.

So, because Islamists were called violent murderers, they whine and cry and then they violently murder people. That was funny in an ironic sort of way the first one hundred times it happened.

Anyway, if you're not familiar with what Pope Benedict XVI that got all the Islamists' panties in a bunch, here it is:

I would like to address the Islamic religion by first saying [expletive deleted]. The prophet of Islam, the [expletive deleted] Mohammed, was best known for [expletives and vulgar references to sodomy and farm animals deleted]. Now, I know some Muslims may get violent for me saying this, but what else can you expect from those [expletive deleted] other than [expletives and vulgar and extremely explicit description of bestiality deleted]. And, frankly, I feel most sorry for the goats.

By the way, that's not my view... it's something I heard from some guy.

Now, that statement could have been the start to a serious discussion about Islam and its role in the modern world, but, inevitably, crazy Islamist just found this as another excuse to burn things and kill people - and, really what else do those guys have to do other than that and that thing the pope mentioned with handcuffs and the camel?

Now, some expect the pope to apologize, but that would be extremely disingenuous since Benedict obviously thinks Mohammed was full of [expletive deleted], or he wouldn't be the pope.

So that leaves the Islamists to rioting and killing until they tucker themselves out. And who's the winner of all this? The Jews; finally they get a week or so to relax while the Islamists temporarily find something else to hate.

And what is left for us to do? One thing:



Have at it in the comments.

Rating: 2.3/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (114)
Marine and Lt. Smash Versus Hippies
Posted by Frank J. at 09:17 AM | Email This

Hippies scared.

Rating: 2.4/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (6)
So What's Up with Muslims and Pork?
Posted by Frank J. at 09:12 AM | Email This

Former Muslim (now Christian) blogger Mushiloon mentioned the best way to tell if someone has left Islam is if he eats pork (i.e., a Muslim will do other forbidden things - drink, gamble, not pray or fast - before eating pork.

Mushiloon further expands on why pork is forbidden, comparing the Jewish and Muslims beliefs, and also talks about the Muslim belief of the universal role of the Koran. A Muslim imam responds in the comments.

Worth a read since I noticed this Islam faith seems to be in the news a bit lately.

Rating: 2.8/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 07:53 AM | Email This


1) What is Chief Wiggum's first name?

2) In "Bart of Darkness", what does Bart break?

3) Who presents the barbershop quartet, the Be Sharps, with their Grammy?

4) In "Bart the Genius", what special new school is Bart sent to?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.0/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (2) | Simpsons Trivia
September 17, 2006
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 02:42 PM | Email This


1) (T/F) Bart sells his soul for five dollars

2) When Marge becomes a cop, she arrests Homer for taking her what?

3) Who is the Shelbyville version of Bart?

4) When Bart sells his soul, what does he buy with the money?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.3/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (2) | Simpsons Trivia
September 16, 2006
Getting away from politics and religion: The Poll
Posted by RightWingDuck at 11:17 PM | Email This

As I was breaking out a new box of garbage bags, something fell to the floor. Not knowing what it was I knelt down to take a closer look. It turned out to be a bunch of those little twisty-tie things that were stuck together. Have you seen these? They also have them at the supermarket in the produce section. Me? I never use the suckers. Instead, I like to tie a knot in the plastic bag and be done with it.


I AM capable of writing a post that doesn't offend half the country.

Tell me. What is your preference?

Please participate in the poll below the fold.


Rating: 1.8/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (16)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 04:22 PM | Email This


1) (T/F) Patty got married to Sideshow Bob

2) Who falls in love with the new girl, Samantha Stanky?

3) Homer's half-brother Herb regains his fortune by inventing a machine that does what?

4) Who directed the musical "Streetcar", which featured Marge as Blanche?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.1/5 (26 votes cast)

Comments (4) | Simpsons Trivia
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 01:37 PM | Email This

I always hear moonbats - usually in defense of Clinton's missed opportunities - going on about how President Bush missed his chance to get Osama bin Laden in Tora Bora, and the concept just sounded moronic on the surface. Really, if there was an easy opportunity to get Osama during the time he was the most hated person in the world, would President Bush really go, "Eh. We'll get him later."? Uncle Jimbo of Blackfive looks into the facts about Tora Bora.

Would the Democrats winning the House this coming election be the best thing for the country and the GOP? Ilya Somin of the Volokh conspiracy discusses.

The Rightroots candidates, 16 running for the House and 5 for the Senate, having gotten a number of donations now through this blogburst, but still have a ways to go to get 100 donations for each one (see statistics and donate here). I like the idea of candidates we can root for, but the only one of the 21 who has surpassed 100 donations so far is definitely getting that support because of who she is running against. I would just like to remind people that I helped campaign against Murtha, telling people he wasn't a friend of the military, back in 1998 before it was the cool thing to do.


Jihad Links: If you want to know what's the hump of Islam, go here. Also, it hard to be the human.

Rating: 2.6/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (4)
September 15, 2006
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 04:23 PM | Email This


1) (T/F) Raspberry swirls are Homer's favorite kind of doughnuts

2) When Homer is trying to think un-sexy thoughts, he imagines who in a bikini?

3) In "Homerpalooza", Lisa says the outdoor concert smells like what?

4) In "Homerpalooza", who's been left at the veterinarians for a very long time?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 1.9/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Simpsons Trivia
Friday Catblogging - Royal Cat, Terror Cat
Posted by sarahk at 04:00 PM | Email This

Lair's always whining that nobody else catblogs on Friday even though we have cats. So here's a picture of Sydney, who has decided she's the queen of our new guest bedding. It took a couple of smacks on the head for her to understand that "no clawing the comforter" means "no clawing the comforter".

I am queen of this bed.
I am queen of this bed.

And even though my friend Tarina doesn't like cats and is a tad allergic, and even though she kept putting Minerva back on the floor, Minerva took Tarina's horizontal position to mean that she wanted Minerva to occupy Tarina's lap.


Rating: 2.1/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (7) | Friday Cat-Blogging
Blogburst! BOOM!
Posted by Frank J. at 12:17 PM | Email This

Today is a day off for me, but I thought I should mention that Rightroots is having a blogburst to raise money for conservative candidates. The goal is to get 100 donations for each candidate and show that not only the blogs of left-wing loons can affect the elections.

Remember: It is important to make sure we have some good candidates in Congress this next year, because the Democrats are scared of terrorists and, if the Democrats control things, their strategy will be to hide America under a rock in hopes the terrorists won't find us. This is a bad idea, for that large of a rock will crush many people. Instead, we need Congressmen who will help fund the hunt for terrorists so we can drop large rocks on them or shoot them or make fun of their excessive body hair. So, even if you only have five dollars to spare, think of donating to some the Rightroots candidates. Then come back here and tell us who you donated to and in what manner you hope he and she will kill the terrorists.

More from John Hawkins and Lorie Byrd - daughter of Sen. Robert Byrd.

Rating: 2.0/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (5)
We Knew Them When...
Posted by sarahk at 12:07 PM | Email This

sherlock is guestblogging at Protein Wisdom today. Just want to say that we know him. And his lovely and talented wife Rachel. You know, we do lunch and dinner and Disney and karaoke and met at the movies and stuff.

Rating: 2.0/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (1)
Friday Catblogging
Posted by Laurence Simon at 11:30 AM | Email This

Since it's Friday, I thought I'd spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka "I-MEOW").

Sure, we've received cease-and-desist letters from former President Clinton and his henchman administration's security advisor Sandy Berger, but we here at IMAO are not cowards like ABC or the Walt Disney Corporation. FrankJ is not only braver than their CEO Robert Iger, but he's also much wiser, too.

We believe that we have done our best to stick to official records when dramatizing Friday Catblogging incidents in the White House that led to Osama Bin Laden's unfortunate survival of the Twentieth Century.

Anyway, it's time for Nardo the Flippykitty:

If you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Nardo is... um...

Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.

You can find more examples of Friday catblogging by searching a blog search engine such as Technorati for "catblogging."

You can also find a roundup of catblogging posts at The Friday Ark, located at The Modulator blog.

Then, when the weekend is nearly over, head over to The Carnival of the Cats for more kitty goodness.

There's also Flickr Groups called Furry Friday and Friday Catblogging.

Anybody I miss?

Rating: 2.4/5 (28 votes cast)

Comments (9) | Friday Cat-Blogging
Happy Birthday to Harvey
Posted by sarahk at 08:47 AM | Email This

Harvey celebrated his 40th birthday yesterday. Y'all go give him belated birthday wishes. NOW!

Rating: 1.8/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (8)
September 14, 2006
Those Darn Christian Extremists
Posted by RightWingDuck at 07:41 PM | Email This

Rosie O' Donnell is right on when she says that Christian Extremists are as bad as Muslim Extremists.

Here is my artistic ode to Ms. O' Donnell's amazing observation.



I for one am glad that Rosie spoke Truth to Power. I am sick and tired of these Christians ramming our buildings with airplanes while singing "Praise Jesus!".


Rating: 2.5/5 (27 votes cast)

Comments (75)
In My World: Stains
Posted by Frank J. at 03:34 PM | Email This

"I don't care anything about terrorism!" Bill Clinton declared loudly to Sandy Berger and Madeleine Albright. "I just care about getting BJs from interns!"

"Wow," President Bush remarked, "this ABC movie really does make Clinton look bad."

"You're not watching ABC, dear," Laura Bush told him. "You're looking out the window. Clinton and his friends were coming over today, remember?"

"Oh yeah. I forgot why I was scotch-guarding everything."

"And I'm going to go hide the valuables. Call me if you need anything." Laura headed out the door.

Clinton, Berger, and Albright entered the Oval Office. "Hey! Dubya! Good to see you, man!" Clinton exclaimed.

Bush quickly backed away to avoid a hug. "What do you want, Slick?"

"Just the usual, ya know." He bit his lip. "I'm looking for my legacy."

"Well, I ain't seen it. I did see some odd garbage by the dumpster out back; that might be it."

Clinton laughed. "Dubya is a funny guy, ain't he?"

Albright looked unamused. Berger looked around the room in a way that made Bush quite wary.

Clinton walked through the office. "Man, I miss this place." He suddenly stopped in one spot and smiled as he looked to Bush. "Know what I used to do right here?"

Bush was horrified. "No! And I don't want to know! If you try and tell me, I'll punch you in your big stupid mouth!"

"Fair enough."

Bush looked suspiciously at the three of them. "So what are you guys up to?"

"Just thinking of the history books," Clinton said. "You see, that recent slanderous miniseries on ABC got us really thinking again about how history will look back on my administration. The problem is, my presidency was between the end of the Cold War and before 9/11. It was eight, uneventful years of economic prosperity."

"Yeah, that must have been rough for you. Now, can you get to your point, because I was going to give a speech today on--" Bush noticed his written speech was missing from his desk. "Where did my speech go?" He pointed an accusing finger at Berger. "Did you shove it down your pants?"

"No... I... Okay, I did." Berger pulled the speech out of his pants and handed it to Bush.

"Aww! Now it's going to smell of Berger pants!" Bush quickly put it back on his desk. "Why do you always have to shove stuff down your pants?"

"I have the opposite problem," Clinton chuckled. "I can't keep things in my pants."

"We all know your problem, Slick."

"Anyway, Dubya what we’re worried about is that our administration will get unfairly ignored," Clinton said. "I'm just afraid that people aren't going to remember a good economy years from now and something must be done to make sure people remember me far into the future."

"So, let me guess, you're going to star in some pornos?"

Clinton shrugged. "I have some offers, but that's not what I'm talking about. I need to make it more apparent to the public that my administration anticipated the terrorist threat."

"That would be nice for you," Bush said, "except you didn't. Instead, that was just another mess left for me."

"There was no terrorism until you came along!" Albright screeched. "You! You! You! It's all because of you!"

"Actually, weren't there a number of attacks during--"

Albright started hitting Bush with an umbrella. "You! You! No terrorism until you!"

Bush swatted her away. "Get away from me, you old bat!" His phone started ringing. "It's the Attorney General; as much as I like reminiscing about when Democrats were just scumbags instead of completely nuts, I have to take this." Bush picked up the phone. "What is it, Speedy?"

"I want to get information out of our terrorists suspects, but I'm all confused on what I'm allowed to do without it being considered torture. I'm being told I can't yell at them, I can't play loud music, I can't shine lights in their eyes, and I can't connect their gonads to car batteries because that's all 'torture.'"

"Just do what your heart tells you is right."

"Well, in my heart, I hate all humanity and love to hear people scream in pain."

"Whatever; just figure it out because I have Bill Clinton bothering me."

"Man, I'd love to hook his gonads up to a car battery."

"No, he'd probably like that." Bush hung up and looked to Clinton. "I'm not going to help you with your stupid legacy, Slick. I have problems enough making it seems like I'm not the worst President in history." Bush thought for a moment. "Well, worst two-term President in history. I'm finally getting my polls numbers nearing 50%, and it won't help things to be seen near you."

"Fine," Clinton said. "I just thought you and me could be friends and help each other out. So, how's the wife?"

"She not a conniving shrew who I have a sham of a marriage with, if that's what you're asking."

Clinton laughed. "You're good with those zingers. So, seriously, like what's she wearing?"

Bush knocked Clinton to the ground with a right-hook.

Clinton picked himself off the floor. "Entirely justified. If you knew exactly the sort of things I was thinking of doing to your wife--"

Bush punched Clinton again, sending him back to the floor.

Clinton chuckled and wiped the blood from his mouth as he stood back up. "I really need to learn when to shut up. At least I didn't ask you about your daughters."

The next punch knocked Clinton into a wall before he fell to the ground. Suddenly, a hulking mass appeared at the doorway. "Reno hungry!" it declared.

"Okay, Janet." Clinton stood up once more. "We'll go get lunch now." Clinton looked to Bush. "Just think about helping my legacy, and maybe I can help yours."

"And you think about getting some serious therapy," Bush answered.

Clinton chuckled as he and the rest walked out the door. "That Dubya; he's a funny guy."

Laura then came to the office and looked at the floor. "A blood stain! Well, I guess I was worrying about even worse stains to clean up when I heard he was visiting."

"Yeah, Slick sure has an effect on people when he drops by. If anyone needs me in the next three hours, tell them I'm showering."

Rating: 2.6/5 (35 votes cast)

Comments (26) | In My World
What Do You Call a Moderate with No Arms and No Legs Hanging on the Wall
Posted by Frank J. at 12:20 PM | Email This

Pajamas Media has a contest to come up with a good name for people who don't fall under the "left-wing" or "right-wing" labels. Here are my ideas:




"People I Have Punched or Will Punch in the Face"

"Stupid Ugly Monkey People"


I've never had much use for moderates, and I never will.

Rating: 2.4/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (38)
Man Enough To Admit When I'm Wrong
Posted by Harvey at 10:26 AM | Email This

On June 30th, 2004, I predicted that Air America would be dead & gone by February of 2005. I was off by 19 months, and I apologize for my inaccuracy.

Nevertheless, I here re-publish the list of potential excuses Air America will use to explain its failure. We'll see if I'm at least right about these:

* Contract with Satan guaranteeing Air America's success found invalid due to not being signed in blood.

* Al Franken's thick glasses kept accidentally setting the studio on fire.

* Randi Rhodes didn't talk about her nipples enough.

* Too much money wasted on salaries, not enought spent on bribes to Clear Channel executives.

* Rush Limbaugh depleted the nation's supply of Oxycontin, so not enough was available to make Air America's hosts witty and insightful.

* Digital brownshirts kept smashing people's radios

* Al Franken is Jewish, so Bushitler had him gassed.

* The fact that Al Franken is still alive does NOT disprove this theory.

* Air America staff constantly attacked by vicious hordes of rats and cockroaches, who, apparently, didn't appreciate the competition.

* The Air America signal simply wouldn't carry. Not surprising, since vibrations in the electomagnetic spectrum tend to vote Republican.

* Nobody was buying commerical spots. Even a NAMBLA spokesman was quoted as saying "we don't want our reputation soiled by these degenerates".

* Air America had to shut down because of the McCain-Feingold campaign finance laws, which expressly forbid such things as speaking in direct support of a candidate, or speaking at all if you're dumber than a bucket of monkey dung.

* Although Al Franken created a lot of great material, he would often flush the toilet before it could be retrieved.

So... which one do you think they'll use?

Rating: 2.5/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Ah, Those Peaceful Blackouts
Posted by Frank J. at 10:13 AM | Email This

Ole Blinky (also known as Florida Power and Light) decide to give out again, so I was stuck at work in the dark. Luckily, with my cool PDA phone thingee, I was just able to sit back and listen to music while reading Jim Baen's Universe. I decided to finally get to the serial John Ringo is writing in it as I've been quite interested to read some of his work as I know my brother is a fan and he was nice enough to write me an e-mail when I first showed some interest in Baen's Bar about writing science fiction. He's known for military SF, but his serial so far is more about a boy adjusting to a new school - but still a good read. Anyone can draw your attention with explosions; it takes skill to make the mundane interesting.

BTW, as for the progress of Hellbender, I'm having trouble getting it restarted. I know where it goes, but the beginning is giving trouble. Still, I'll power through, and, when I have the first couple chapters done, I'll put those up for preview and critique for those interested.

I have ideas for a new In My World™ (the political season is heating up, and there's just so much material), but I also have some number theory to play with - and that I get paid for (well, more than blogging). You'll get teh funny soon, though, so keep reloading the page like a madman until new posts appear.

Be honorable, ronin.


If you're interested in the issue of digital rights management, Baen's Universe editor Eric Flint has three editorials on the subject all free to view (part1, part2, part3). He doesn't like Disney - but not because they made a miniseries that reflected poorly on Clinton. As for me, I just want to know when I can steal music and not feel guilty about it.

Oh, wait, I can do that now! Ah, the joys of an underdeveloped superego.

Baens Universe Logo
Help Save Science Fiction at Jim Baen's Universe!

Rating: 2.2/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (7)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 09:50 AM | Email This


1) Who plans to become a jazz musician and have torrid love affairs when she grows up?

2) What is the name of the baseball bat Homer makes for himself?

3) Why did Mike Scioscia shoot Waylon Smithers?

4) In "Homer at the Bat", who falls into the Springfield Mystery Spot?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.6/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (3) | Simpsons Trivia
Ok, you hip kids are gonna have to help me out here
Posted by sarahk at 09:22 AM | Email This

Just how much injury can you get from falling off your Segway when it accidentally reverses direction?

Dude, you're like three inches off the ground, and your maximum speed is 12.5 miles per hour. It's a moving sidewalk raised off the ground a few inches.

Perhaps I'm missing something.

Rating: 1.5/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (12)
September 13, 2006
Make Fun of Jews and They'll Make Fun of Them Back
Posted by Frank J. at 03:26 PM | Email This

A government newspaper in Iran held a holocaust cartoon contest, so an Israeli responded by having an anti-Semetic cartoon contest open only to Jews, and they're much funnier. I especially like this parody of The Giving Tree.

(hat tip to Allahpundit from Hot Air)

Rating: 2.0/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Who Wants To Be A Progressive Talk Radio Star?
Posted by Harvey at 03:19 PM | Email This

With the imminent demise of Air America - leaving thousands of radio-hours of dead air to fill - Clear Channel announces that it will be conducting a talent search to find new Loony Left radio talent.

So... coming soon to The Reality Show Network (which itself will be coming soon - please contact your cable service provider):


In season one, contestants take their best shot at discussing the demise of Air America. Here are some highlights:

Democrat Soldier - "Didn’t Rush Limbaugh have a television show that flopped harder and faster than Air America radio? Surely his being bad on TV makes liberals superior."

Denver Oasis - "I’m not a fan of Clear Channel, but their support shows a need in the market for the liberal format. They wouldn’t do it if they didn’t think they’d make a lot of money. I mean, look at how much they made with Air America!"

Craig - "The Repugnican Noise Machine is well-entrenched in radio. Look at Rush and Michael Savage and other hyenas of similar background. We lose the radio wars and it's just another method for the wing nuts to spew their venom without anyone to counter their distortions. Why can't those ass****s be polite & civilized, like liberals, instead of always resorting to petty name-calling?"

Badmoodman - "R.I.P., Air America. If it had been a right-wing network, this administration would have secretly funneled millions of dollars into it. You know... if they happened to do that sort of thing... if they weren't too busy reprogramming voting machines in Ohio or blowing up the WTC, which it's been proven was an inside job."

Lib4 - "Even though Air America may go under, Rethugs better not think that they are going to be any closer to victory in November. After all, without progressive talk radio around to showcase the unhinged radical left, the Democrats will appear this close to being sane."

Kenosha Marge - "This country needs to have a place for people too smart to listen to the right wing noise machine. Those who will dance in the streets and cheer the demise (premature) of Air America only show that they are not in favor of a free country where everyone has a right to speak and also to hear their kind of politics. Why are Conservatives so damn afraid of Air America? I mean, WE never complained about Rush Limbaugh!"

Len Smith - "Getting a left wing noise machine in place to counter the right’s is really the only hope we have in this country. It doesn’t matter how great our policies or candidates are if we don’t have the medium to get our message out. We not only need Air America, we need a liberal version of FOX News as well. You know, like CBS or NBC or ABC or CNN or MSNBC or PBS... except not crappy like them."

Trunary Suka - "Rush proves that talk radio is a very important medium. Too bad he became a drug addict. Besides, his hate-baiting style is going out the window, since Air America has already proven that it doesn't work for liberals. Oh, and Rush is fat and bald, too."

Facts Support My Position - "I can plainly remember Al Franken saying he had been on the air for 1 1/2 years, and had not been accused of lying. They've got a GREAT call screener at Air America!"

Brian - "Air America may not be doing well, but there is plenty of evidence that it’s not having problems with ratings. For example - this memo typed on a genuine IBM Selectric typewriter."

Yes, with talent like this, Progressive Talk Radio will soon be changing reaching dozens of listeners all across America.

You Rethugs better watch out!

[Author's note: for bonus amusement, click this link to find out how much of each statement was lifted directly from the individual's comment]

[Hat tip to IMAO reader Shimauma for sending me the link]

Rating: 2.7/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (11)
Fun Facts About North Carolina
Posted by Harvey at 10:56 AM | Email This

The IMAO Podcast is still on hiatus, but I have an irresistible urge to finish up the rest of the states in the Fun Facts About The 50 States series, so I'm going to forge ahead - hopefully on a weekly schedule.

Should the podcast return, this is the list from which I'll pick & choose my favorite items to record.

(continued in extended entry)


Rating: 2.6/5 (27 votes cast)

Comments (11) | Fun Trivia
I'm Not Sure Who Is Angrier About This
Posted by sarahk at 08:36 AM | Email This

E.D. Hill, or me. But considering that E.D. censored herself and said "what in the world" are we doing over there, and considering that her head didn't explode when she was telling the story, and in light of the fact that she didn't stand up and yell, "THIS IS WHY WE'RE GOING TO LOSE THIS WAR!" and run into the other room, leaving Steve and Brian agog in her wake, it's possibly me who is angrier about this. BTW, from the picture, there were at least a hundred Taliban honchos.

I'm not sure whom I need to contact. Is it my senators, who aren't doing anything on illegal immigration? Is it my congressmen, who aren't doing anything on illegal immigration? Is it my President, who isn't doing anything on illegal immigration? Because last I heard, they can't focus on illegal immigration right now, because they have to worry about national security. And they're not concerned about the airports, because they're still profiling gatorade, crossstitching implements and Grama, so I'm assuming that national security must mean war abroad. Only they don't seem to know that fighting war abroad means killing our enemies abroad.

Anyway, here's the thing. I don't know if I need to get out my Crayolas and sit the politicians and bureaucrats down with a sippy-cup of Kool-Aid in order to explain this to them, but if you've got over a hundred of your enemies gathered up nice and neat, celebrating the death of a guy who died trying to kill one of your guys, and you know for sure that if the tables were turned, their guys would wipe out the funeral and laugh. LAUGH. They would. We should do it and not laugh, but move on to the next target. Finish the job. Good grief, what is it going to take for the bureaucrats to figure out that you can't win a war if you're the only one playing nice? We play nice, they don't? They win. Because they will do anything, including kill INNOCENTS on purpose to win. But that was just a funeral full of Taliban. No innocents. Just enemy.

I don't see the problem.

Rating: 2.0/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (31)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 08:17 AM | Email This


1) (T/F) Homer and Marge appeared naked at the Springfield Football Stadium

2) What's the name of the multiplex movie theaters in Springfield?

3) Cletus, the slack-jawed yokel, is married to who?

4) What is Cletus, the slack-jawed yokel's last name?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.6/5 (28 votes cast)

Comments (4) | Simpsons Trivia
Never Spam the Devil Himself
Posted by Frank J. at 07:18 AM | Email This

What happens if you try and send spam e-mails to Karl Rove? He hunts you down and has you arrested in front of your 7-year-old daughter.

Presumably, he then eats your soul.

Rove is perfectably comfortable with the size of his penis, so leave him alone or face the consequences, spammers!

(hat tip to Jay Tea of Wizbang)

Rating: 2.0/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (5)
September 12, 2006
Wiki! Wiki! Wiki!
Posted by Frank J. at 05:04 PM | Email This

Shout it loud really fast; it's fun!

Anyway, Wikipedia is a site I use on a nearly daily basis run by dumb goobers who don't think my blog is notable. One great thing about Wikipedia, though, is that its founder is not caving to Chinese censorship - unlike about every other big website and tech company out there.

Since I'm not sure Wikipedia actually makes money, I don't know if finances were actually at stake, but it's nice to see at least one company stand up to the ChiComs and tell them if, they want to allow their citizens access to any information, they have to allow them access to it all.

Also, I found through a link on Instapundit yesterday a paper on a peer-reviewed journal about the accuracy of Wikipedia. It's name? "Puppy smoothies: Improving the reliability of open, collaborative wikis". Guess what that's about.

Hey, since I inspired the name of a peer-reviewed paper about Wikipedia, can I have my article now?

Rating: 2.2/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Moderate Muslims: Have I Just Been Missing These Stories or Is No One Publishing Them?
Posted by Frank J. at 04:12 PM | Email This

In response to a post I did about the fabled moderate Muslims, reader Josh wrote this:

Here is a personal moderate Muslim sighting I thought you might be interested in. My best friend growing up in NW Pennsylvania is Junaid. His father and mother had emigrated from Pakistan before him and his younger sister were born, and his father is the local ENT physician in the town, and a role model for me to pursue my studies in medicine.

Junaid himself joined the United States military and was in boot camp when the 9/11 events took place, and as a practicing Muslim, they made him VERY VERY angry that this was done in the name of Islam. He served a tour in Iraq, serving in the infantry before his officers discovered that he spoke English, Spanish, but more importantly also Hindu and at least three dialects of Arabic. After that discovery he served in Iraq in various translating and intelligence roles. Currently he is back in the United States from his tour but still on active duty. He is taking more college classes so he can soon enroll in the Army's intelligence college and use his background and language skills to keep us all safe. Sgt. Junaid is not only my friend, but also a personal hero of mine.

Also, in the NYPost, here is an editorial from an Arab American apologizing for the role his culture had in the 9/11 attack and speaking frankly of the problem Islam has with extremists and their interpretation of the Koran. (hat tip to Malkin)

There are a lot of Americans (and citizens of other nations) wondering whether every Muslim secretly supports terrorists and the overthrow of the West, and then there is CAIR which seems to be set on convincing everyone that all Muslims are either terrorists or terrorist sympathizers. The constant, trite and often ironic reassurance that "Islam means peace" only aggravates the problem. What's needed is more stories like that of Junaid. I really don't know why we haven't seen such stories that in the media because you'd think they'd be interested in talking about heroic followers of Islam (as opposed to how they recoil from good stories about our troops).

Maybe bloggers need to pick up the slack. Islam has a huge PR problem, and only by people hearing stories of great American who follow Islam can that be improved. We hear constant platitudes of how most Muslims are peaceful, but we know few examples.

Oh, and we need a better term that "moderate Muslim" because A) I hate the term "moderate" as it makes me think of people like Hagel and B) In context, a moderate Muslim sounds like someone who is somewhere between being a nice person and being a terrorist.

BTW, I nominate the Syrian who died today protecting the American embassy as "Muslim of the Day." Somebody get that guy his 72 virgins, because he earned it.

Rating: 2.5/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (20)
All the world seems in tune on a spring afternoon when we're poisoning pigeons in the park.
Posted by Laurence Simon at 03:28 PM | Email This

Life may be Skittles and life may be beer, but not in Texarkana when you're a pigeon...

The city's annual festival was marred by dead pigeons nose-diving into pavement and others dying on downtown sidewalks after they ate poisoned corn from the roof of a nearby bank branch.

Um... it's cheaper than fireworks? And biodegradable!

Authorities said they cleaned up more than 25 sick or dead birds following miscalculated pest control efforts at a CapitalOne Bank branch.

"What have you got in your wallet?"
"Pigeon poison!"
"Um... I'd rather be screwed by absurdly high interest rates."

"The death of these pigeons was more than an unfortunate accident," city president for CapitalOne Bank Lacy McMillen said in today's online edition of Texarkana Gazette.

Oh boy. Get the company's name mentioned twice. That should offset the expense of stadium naming rights and sponsoring state fair baking contests.

"It was not the intention of the bank to harm any of these birds."

Yeah, most people putting out poison for animals don't mean any harm to them. They're hoping that the animals enjoy extreme physical discomfort and death, vomiting and wobbling into oblivious with delight.

McMillen said the bank hired an exterminator to handle its pigeon problem after a bird entered the bank and defecated on a customer.

Only bank managers are allowed to crap on customers, dammit! Kill that flapping bastard!

The Shreveport, La., company hired to do it, Anti-Pest Co. Inc., said the aim of the treated corn was to sicken pigeons and divert them from the rooftop but that death was sometimes an "unfortunate side effect."

When was the last time you've heard "Death" listed as a "side effect" in a pharmaceutical commercial?

"Side effects include nausea, blurred vision, stroke, and death."
"Hey, doc, can you write my wife a prescription for that stuff?"
"No, Mr. Clinton."

Vera Martin, working at a handbag booth at the city's weekend Quadrangle Festival, said the poisoning sends a bad message to children.

Here's what I got out of it: "Don't eat corn you find on the roof."
Here's another: "This is what happens when you ban discharging firearms within city limits."
And finally: "First they came for the pigeons, and I said nothing..."

"I think it's cruelty to animals," she said. "What other animals could be killed in the process of doing this?"

Here's a list of animals that won't be killed in the process: stingrays, moose, dragons, emus, coelocanth, and Pete Doherty.

Let's face it. At this point, Doherty could speedball a Wallgreens and still walk in a straight line.

Now before you persist in blaming Tom Lehrer, keep in mind that:

  • The bank has admitted to hiring the pest control company.

  • This incident took place in the Summer, not Spring.

  • The method of poisoning was corn, not peanuts. ("When they see us coming, the birdies all try an' hide, But they still go for peanuts when coated with cyanide.")

Of course, that John Mark Karr guy said he killed Jon Benet Ramsey, and we all know how that turned out...

Rating: 2.1/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (17)
Terrorists Continue To Fight Dirty
Posted by Harvey at 02:40 PM | Email This

CNN terrorist weapon.jpg

New Baghdad Police Academy graduates recoil in horror during a briefing on the latest innovations in terrorist weaponry: the Sony HVR-Z1U 3CCD video camera and the CNN journalist.

[Hat tip to CENTCOM for the pic]

Rating: 1.7/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Terrorists Need to Be More Like Kos
An Editorial by Frank J.
Posted by Frank J. at 12:20 PM | Email This

 This morning, terrorists tried to storm the U.S. Embassy in Damascus while shouting, as Reuters put it, "religious slogans" (according to the sources of blogger Mary Katherine Ham, the religious slogans were "Jesus loves me, this I know."). Three of the terrorists were killed and one was wounded while they succeeded in only killing one person, one of Syria's anti-terrorism forces, and failed to even harm a single American diplomat.

 Sounds like a "moral victory" for the terrorists to me, a Kossian triumph, if you will. Their goals were not accomplished, more harm was inflicted on them than they inflicted, but they stuck to their principles while mindlessly fighting overwhelming odds, and that's worth something. I'm not sure what it's worth - that's more of question for Kos, the Queen of Moral Victories - but, as terrorists find real victories much harder to attain, I think they should learn from these principled gunmen and focus on the moral victory.

"I'm sure Kos would be glad to help as long as none of the terrorists watch anything on ABC."

 Despite what some may say, effective terrorism isn't that easy. If orchestrated attacks against America were a simple thing, we'd certainly have seen much more of it in the past five years. What is easy and doesn't take a lot of planning - planning that can be picked up by intelligence services - is simply charging the infidels with guns blazing.

 You can't just charge any infidels, though; for a real moral victory, one you can clutch to in your times of darkest misery, you have to take on overwhelming odds. Unfortunately for the terrorists, they can't hire Kos as a consultant since he's busying trying to flip Sen. Joe Lieberman over to the Republicans - his magnum opus of moral victories - though I'm sure he'd be glad to help as long as none of the terrorists watch anything on ABC. Still, I have my own advice for terrorists who want to really show their worth by sticking to their beliefs while picking a battle they can't possibly win: Attack heavily armed U.S. Marines head on.

 Now there are some overwhelming odds... especially if the Marines have tanks and stuff. The terrorists might think you have some chance since the Marine will probably keel over laughing when they see you charging them, but the Marines are trained to fire from keeled over positions. Actually, the only hope of victory for them is that the Marines would all suddenly have heart attacks and spontaneously drop dead; it's extremely unlikely, but it's hope nonetheless, and that's all you need to pick a fight and gain a moral victory. And what a moral victory that would be for the terrorists; they would be fighting the best armed, best trained fighting force in the world. Though they would be slaughtered wholesale, they would die knowing they didn't let rational fear keep them from attempting an unattainable victory. As they're cut to pieces, they could rest assured they stuck to their principles.

 So, stick to your beliefs, terrorists, and go for the moral victory. Stop cowering in the shadows when you can instead fight for what you believe in against the overwhelming force of U.S. military might. Then, you can know you weren’t a cowards but instead gave it your all for what you believed it, and that's something that you can hold onto even while you’re stuck in flames that burn but do not consume. Maybe Kos will even take a break from leading the Democrats to extinction through his own moral victories to cheer you guys on; just don't point out that he seems a bit... well... "off". That causes him to go completely nuts.

Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as "Understanding the Mind of a Terrorist (Now with Color Photos from the Dissection)" and "The Pied Piper of the New Age: More Proof that Kos Is Actually Karl Rove".

Rating: 2.3/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (11) | Editorials
Polls Are Fun!
Posted by Frank J. at 10:34 AM | Email This

Another presidential straw poll... now with more questions:

Results for IMAO readers here.

Blogosphere wide results here.

If you vote for Hagel, make sure to tell me so I can hit you in the head with a hammer.


Just for the record, I'm leaning towards Mitt Romney right now... despite him being one of those craaaaazy Mormons. From what I've seen, he seem like a real conservative and will be tough on terrorists. I'd love to hear arguments for the other candidates, though.

Rating: 1.9/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (15)
Just a Reminder
Posted by Frank J. at 10:29 AM | Email This

I really don't like terrorists and think we need to eliminate them all.

Don't have much else to add to that right now, but I think it's something worth reiterating once a day.

What are your ideas for eliminating all terrorists? And don't say just turn the whole Middle East to glass; be a bit more creative.

Rating: 2.2/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (35)
The Hypocritical Conservatives
Posted by Frank J. at 09:10 AM | Email This

There has been much outrage on the right-wing side of the blogosphere over a British movie depicting President Bush being assassinated (it’s also part of the topic of today's Vent), but I don't remember a peep coming out of conservatives when the shoe was on the other foot.

Remember this movie:


Rating: 1.7/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (34)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 07:14 AM | Email This


1) Who once attacked Lisa when she was cross-country skiing?

2) Of what profession are Dr. Hillbilly and the Iron Yuppie?

3) What does the blind man rename Santa's Little Helper?

4) What did the Springfield Cat Burglar steal from Bart?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.2/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (4) | Simpsons Trivia
September 11, 2006
Gregory Sikorsky
Posted by Frank J. at 11:59 PM | Email This

Hear the last call for Gregory Sikorsky.

When the second tower of the World Trade Center fell, Gregory R. Sikorsky was on 43rd floor doing the job he had always aspired to do.

He was 34-years-old. He left behind his wife Marie, their son Steven, 3-years-old at the time, as well as his parents, George and Luzia, his three brothers, George Jr., Ken, and Perry, and well as numerous other relatives, friends, and colleagues.

Greg lived a life of service to his country and to his community. He was born on October 5, 1966 to George and Luzia Sikorsky in Manhattan, New York. He graduated East Ramapo High School in 1985 and worked as a mechanic with his oldest brother George Jr. and his younger brother Perry in his family's automotive repair shop, Sikorsky Auto Repair, on Route 306 in Wesley Hills. He also began volunteering with the Hillcrest Fire Department. He later joined the Marine Corps Reserves and served in the Persian Gulf War. In 1996, Greg dedicated himself to firefighting by joining the FDNY which assigned him to Engine 46 in the Bronx.

Greg had numerous adventurous hobbies. He was a licensed pilot and enjoyed skydiving and scuba diving. Greg used his skills as a mechanic for a special pet project: restoring a 1939 Mack fire truck he had purchased. Greg also had a soft spot for kids and for dogs. He volunteered as a Big Brother and played an active role in his company's fire prevention program. When a scrappy Dalmatian named Dominic was left with the Hillcrest Fire Department and proceeded to wreak havoc on the firehouse furniture, Greg held out hope for the dog and adopted him as his own. Eventually, Dominic became so obedient that he had been seen off-leash following Greg to church, waiting patiently for his master outside St. Boniface until mass was over.

On September 11th, 2001, hijackers flew planes into the two tallest buildings of the World Trade Center. Gregory Sikorsky, now part of Squad 41, responded to the call. The tallest buildings in New York City were on fire. The rational thing to do was to get as far away as possible, but there was no such luxury for Greg, nor was it his instinct. Innocent people were trapped, so there was only one option for him: He charged inside.

An elevator full of people was stuck near the 43rd floor, the shaft having caught fire. Greg and five other members of Squad 41 were doing whatever they could to rescue them. Greg tried to gain use of a nearby water pump to douse the flames.

And then the building fell.

In the days following, Greg's family, friends, colleagues, and his dog held out hope that he was still alive. Greg's Dalmatian, Dominic, after having been brought to Ground Zero by Greg's father, frantically climbed over the wreckage and twisted metal searching for this master. Despite becoming dehydrated and his paws bleeding, he would not stop. Eventually, too tired to climb anymore, he was passed around the firemen to continue his search. Returning home unsuccessfully, Dominic coughed for two days straight. In spite of the devastation of a missing family member, Greg's brother Ken was unable to return home since he was a U.S. Army Captain who was serving in Germany at the time, his return date put off indefinitely because of the attack.

It wasn't until Sunday, March 17, 2002, over six months later, that any sign of those missing from Squad 41 was found. Squad members then dug in the area by hand and, that Tuesday, a piece of Greg's helmet was found. On Wednesday at 1AM, seven of Greg's family members along with Dominic arrived to see an American flag-draped stretcher containing the helmet piece being brought out of the pit where the Twin Towers once stood. "He can finally be brought home to be buried in the veterans cemetery as a Marine, as a true Marine, doing his job," his father said. The flags at the Sikorsky family automobile repair shop, having been at half-staff since September 11th, were finally raised.

For his funeral, Greg's flag-draped coffin was brought to St. Boniface Church by his 1939 Mack fire truck, its restoration having been finished by the local community.

Four hundred mourners came to pay their last respects to Greg. Rev. Robert Saccoman held up 3-year-old Steven Sikorsky so he could see and told him, "I want you to look out there, because it's a love story, a love story that all these people had for your dad, and it's a story your mother will continue to tell you." Every young boy sees his father as a hero, and for Steven, he will only know his father as that legendary hero.

The goal of the terrorists was to murder as many people as possible, and Gregory Sikorsky fought against that goal simply by doing his job. While the enemy died taking the lives of other, Greg was of the first to respond to that attack by dying saving the lives of others. His name should never be forgotten, and his courage - the courage that allowed him to rush into a burning building while most of us simply watched in horror - should always serve to inspire us.

Greg's son Steven in the restored 1939 Mack fire truck.

Last Call for FF Gregory Sikorsky (memorial page)

His Legacy.com Tribute Page

His Guest Book

Hillcrest Fire Department

The Squad 41 Website

Pictures of His 1939 Mack Fire Truck (including pictures of his son, Steven)

Rating: 2.6/5 (30 votes cast)

Comments (19)
Progressive Lessons from 9/11
Posted by RightWingDuck at 06:43 PM | Email This

Over at Townhall.com, Alan Sears has a great post titled: Five Years After 9/11 the ACLU considers Christians the Terrorists. It's a great article and deserves a read.

This got me to thinking: Did Progressives learn anything from 9/11?

Of course they did. If they learn nothing else they can walk away having learned these valuable lessons.

There are some things in this country that are important to always remember. These are the things that make America special.

Progressive Lesson # 1: Racism is bad. Let's learn to be more tolerant...


Progressive Lesson # 2: Let us not judge by the color of one's skin...


Progressive Lesson # 3: Let us remember to keep separate things separate...


Progressive Lesson # 4: Let's take care of the earth...


Progressive Lesson # 5: Let's remember to include everyone...


As always, I hope you folks walk away with a deeper appreciation of someone else's perspective.

Rating: 2.1/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (4)
It's All About the American Spirit and Those Who Seek to Crush It
Posted by Frank J. at 04:20 PM | Email This

James Joyner notes the odd tendency of the left to make 9/11 all about President Bush. It's pretty sad. When Bush leaves power in 2009 and the terrorists are still around, will they finally focus on the real enemy or find another American politician to get hysterical about?

American has never been its president, and the terrorists would have attacked no matter who was President… and we all would have rallied just the same. These guys really have to get out of the little box of BDS and see there's a whole world out there that doesn't all revolve around their cartoon caricature of one man.

Confederate Yankee has more on liberals' responses to 9/11. One of these days they'll grow up.


Here's what Kos had up when I first checked his site this morning. He had enought sense to later change the image, but Kos still commemorated the day by the exact sort of the commentary you'd expect from the little turd any other day.

Rating: 2.6/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Moderate Muslims: They Do Exist!
Posted by Frank J. at 03:15 PM | Email This

John Hawkins has a Moderate Muslim sighting. I wish we saw more stories like this. If they only Muslims we see on the news are the terrorists and CAIR, many Americans (including me at times) are going to doubt whether Islam really can co-exist with a civilized society (and, to be clear, by civilized I mean countires that don't sentence women to death for being raped or have teenagers hung for being gay).

Rating: 2.8/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Where's Osama?
Posted by Frank J. at 01:54 PM | Email This

It's been five years since the attacks of 9/11, so where is Osama bin Laden? Five years ago, he helped orchestrate a large-scale terrorist attack on US soil, and today we don't even get some threatening video. We expected more from a "terror mastermind." It seems the only thing he aspires to today is to die alone in a cave instead of in a US prison.

So, was it worth it, Osama?

Rating: 2.1/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Only Eight
Posted by Frank J. at 12:42 PM | Email This

the 2,996 Project site seems to be down from all the traffic, and I don't know of any backup site to link to that has the links to the other tributes. If someone could help me on that, I'd appreciate it.

Here's one tribute, though, to one of the younger victims of the 9/11 attack: Zoe Falkenberg


The 2,996 Project site looks to be back up, and just as I was about to write their hosting company an angry letter.


Here is a mirror site.

Rating: 2.3/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (3)
On a Lighter Note...
Posted by Frank J. at 12:12 PM | Email This

Happy Birthday Cadet Happy (a.k.a, Kevin the IMAO photoshop guy)! I hope you have a great time with your family today.

Tomorrow I expect double output from you, though!

Rating: 2.8/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (2)
Five Years Later
Posted by Frank J. at 11:13 AM | Email This

It's funny for a date by itself to have so much effect. When I got to work and saw "September 11" on the digital display to my work phone, it sent a slight shiver through me. A moment later I was back to untangling my ear buds so I could listen to mp3s off of my PDA.

Some of my best memories from that day and the days immediately following were good ones. I talked with coworkers I only had known from passing in the hallway like we were old friends. I remember seeing Jerry Nadler on TV, a NY liberal politician who I had always despised for his views, and I cheered him on when he spoke against the terrorist in a way I can't even imagine cheering any politician these days. I guess, in extreme times, we're stripped down to our most essential. We're not liberal or conservative, introvert or extrovert, or any other of those labels that get thrown on to us; we're just human, and we care for each other.

There were notable exception, though, of those who just couldn't let go of their tiny view points no matter how much tragedy surrounded them. Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson were some of the first to lay the blame on us, saying this was God's punishment for whatever moral issues they was currently their focus at that time. I can hardly imagine something more profane than trying to tell people what is the mind of God, and especially forcing it to fit your own politics.

Then there was Michael Moore and his letter on the day after. He later removed the part wondering why the terrorists didn't only target Republicans, unable to understand that the murdering terrorists hated Moore even more than any Republican ever did. They would have loved to kill him the same as any one else just because he's an American who speaks his mind (well, maybe they don't hate him anymore since they've been using parts of his movies in their own propaganda films). Even with the frustration about the terrorists not targeting his political enemies removed, the letter is still quite damning. When most others reacted to the attacks with sympathy for their fellow man and hatred for the murders, Moore's instincts were to rant on about his piddling political issues such as the Kyoto treaty and America not attending the Durban conference on racism (which was basically another UN conference about the threat of Israel and the joooos). That a tragedy the size of 9/11 wasn't enough to wake him from his myopic political views shows a huge break between him and basic humanity, something that should have been an issued addressed by his therapist years ago. (Moore's Letter Official version and the original)

And, while most countries put down their basic anti-Americanism (and, we are quite arrogant, so let's not pretend we don't invite it), there certainly were notable exceptions - and not just in the Middle East where we would expect it. Best of the Web at OpinionJournal.com was nice enough to put up links to foreign papers in the days after the attack to help people get a more international perspective. It was then I first checked out the out the British paper The Guardian and found the huge difference between American and British liberals. While most traditional liberals in America initially reacted the same as everyone else, only a week after the attacks the main editorials in The Guardian were to warn people to not feel to sorry for America. "A bully with a bloody nose is still a bully" I remember was the title of one opinion piece. Another one, like Moore's screed, talked about how America didn't participate in the Durban conference (does anyone even remember that now?). When tragedy hit, these people clutched to their tiny world views like a security blanket, sucking their thumbs and hoping the world wasn't going to change. It seemed to me at the time like these people lived in another universe, just physically unable to see the world as it is.

As for myself, I remember how frustrated I was to return home the night of September 11th and sat alone in my apartment unable to do anything. I was hoping there would soon be a call for people to join the military for a huge counter-attack (I even gave my boss notice the next day that, if there was any talk of needed people to join the military, I'd have to resign and do so). The desire wasn't so much out of a want to kill people, but just because I wanted to do something while I watch so much suffering on TV. I didn't have a blog at the time, but I got an e-mail from a friend at my college that he wanted editorials about the attack for the conservative college newspaper he published, so, that night, I sat down and wrote this:

September 11, 2001. It won’t sink in for days. When things change this quickly, it will take a good amount of time for the mind to catch up. But, when the dust settles, our world will be forever changed.

Our first priority is to recover. There are thousands injured, and it is up to everyone to do their part, to donate blood, money, or whatever is needed. We need to restore as much normalcy as we can as quickly as possible. Our enemies are gloating at the disarray they caused, so we to show strength by simply getting back to our business unhindered. But, make no mistake; it will not be business usual. Not now.

Once shock subsides, anger is sure to replace it. It’s not a emotion well suited for decision making, but it is unavoidable at this time. Efforts to subside it will be futile, but it can be directed.

I’ve already heard plenty of people decrying the abilities of our intelligence community, how they should have seen this coming. Intelligence probably does need improving, but this should in no way be the main focus. No matter how good we make our intelligence, we can’t always prevent something like this. The only way is to remove any desire to commit acts of terror.

It’s seems hard to rationalize with people who would do something like this. They poke a tiger with a sharp stick and somehow expect some good to come of it. But our actions can put this in simple unmistakable terms. Our response to this must convince all those who witness it that acts of terror will do nothing but herald the perpetrators destruction. To simply apprehend and arrest those involved is not enough at this point. Those who hijacked the planes were not the only terrorists who committed suicide with today’s actions.

It’s a terrible thing to call for vengeance, but if our response falls even slightly short, we will only encourage more acts like this. We must take the terror to the terrorists, hunting down all we can find and punishing anyone who would harbor them to the point that a country would fear even the possibility of terrorists resting in their borders.

It will be easy to overdo our response, to add to the evil, but it is war. We will have to make decisions of life and death that lie beyond the wisdom of man. We just have to pray to God to lead us in our action to as good a solution as exists. It was a dark day today, and it will be dark for some time to come.

So five years later, where are we? As for airline security, the new ban on liquids makes it seem like we still don't know what we're doing. Then again, today marks five years without an organized terrorist attack on American soil... and you know they've been trying.

We're also more timid about fighting. The wars didn't go as smoothly as we hoped... both on the field and in the media (and don't pretend the second one isn't important; the enemy has known to attack us there since the Vietnam War as it's where we're much more vulnerable). Those who don’t think terrorists are a threat needed to be dealt with are still a small minority, but few think it's a priority worth any risk.

As for our politicians, we have the Democrats who only fear terrorist attacks in how it may kill their politics. The tiny people at DailyKos (the site today so far being dedicated to mocking Bush and their new enemy Disney) would be small things that we should ignore were it not that one of our political parties is so weak as to actual listen to them. That leaves the Republicans as the only hope to get anything done, but they're timid knowing the public is wary of the ever looming "quagmire" (I notice I wrote "Republicans" and not "Bush" since I, unlike the deranged people on the left, don't see everything in this country in terms of our temporary president).

Are we a changed people? Most definitely, but I don't know if it’s in primarily a good way. Were there to be another huge terrorist attack, I fear the reaction by most (including myself) would not be the huge bond between all people we had in 2001, but instead we'd immediately wonder how things we would be affected politically. We’d all wonder whether we would finally commit to eliminating our enemy like we need to, or would instead the hawks finally be sunk.

So, five years later, I feel jaded. Still, I remain hopeful that we will rise up to the challenge again, and it won't take another attack and death beyond imagine to motivate us. What we need are people stand at center stage who we can root for again. They need to be serious people with convictions - convictions enough to motivate us all - to lead the way. I know I'm not one of them, but I might as well try to be one of those people - as should all of you - because it's what we owe those who died... not just those on September 11th but all those who have died fighting for the betterment of mankind throughout the world and throughout history. The enemy may seem insane – even silly at times – but the terrorists are a creeping threat to our way of life and grow in strength whenever we act weakly. Our civilization is not assured, and it never will be. The fight against evil is one that we will have to continue until the day we die, as that battle only ends if we surrender.

And we will never surrender.

Rating: 2.9/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (24)
Moments in time
Posted by Laurence Simon at 10:09 AM | Email This

If you subscribe to Yahoo News or any other Breaking News message alert system, you're probably getting a series of messages marking the moments of silence for the planes hitting the Towers and the Pentagon, the crack of flight 93, and the collapse of each tower.

I'm sure that some sick and deranged Daily Kos or IndyMedia or Al-Jazeerah types are sending out parallel messages marking when the Jews got their text pages warning them not to go into work, when the Bush Administration secretly planted the charges in each of the towers, when the Air Force jets shot down the flights, Michael Moore going to Dennys for three Grand Slam meats, Cheney returning to his docking station for a recharge, and when Bush was finished reading "My Pet Goat" to the kids in the classroom.

What sticks out in my memory? The Palestinians danced on 9/11, passing out candy with joy and delight while Arafat lay in a couch filling up a sack with his AIDS-infected blood, wishing it wasn't just a symbolic gesture so he could spread his decay on to the dust-covered walking wounded of Manhattan.

Flash to today, and the old bastard is just so much filler in a parking lot. Yet "Unity" government or not, terror is terror, so bomb them all and let Satan sort the dancing, candy-passing bastards out.

Rating: 2.3/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Posted by Laurence Simon at 08:30 AM | Email This

Never forget.

Rating: 2.0/5 (16 votes cast)

September 10, 2006
It's Official
Posted by sarahk at 11:00 PM | Email This

Not only can Democrats not stop terrorists, they can't even stop movies about how they can't stop terrorists.

Rating: 2.2/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (16)
Test : Google Related Links
Posted by spacemonkey at 04:12 PM | Email This

Didn't work I guess.

Rating: 2.1/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (1)
The Path the 9/11: With New Happy Ending
Posted by RightWingDuck at 03:22 PM | Email This

Remember to tune in to ABC's newest Special: the Path to 9/11: You didn't see nothin'.

Here is the oriiginal promo for this series.

Unfortunately, this replay of reality completely upset the Democrats. In fact, when they found out that ABC was going to do a portrayal of the events leading up to 9/11, the Dems were livid!. Many were so livid they almost dropped their Korans.

Bill Clinton was so incensed he immediately began ignoring all his interns. On the plus side, it's nice to see Mr. Clinton worried about terrorism, even if its only the terrorism on TV.

Anway. By now the new improved 9/11 mini-series is now ready. Here's the new promo poster along with the original story lines by ABC as well as the changes made AFTER the DNC party suggested improvements.


Rating: 2.4/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (14)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 12:09 PM | Email This


1) (T/F) In "Three Men and a Comic Book", Mrs. Glick puts lemon juice on Bart's wounds

2) What does the old Radioactive Man #1 comic smell like, according to Milhouse?

3) (T/F) In "Three Men and a Comic Book", we find out that Mrs. Glick's brother died when he held onto a grenade too long in WWI

4) Who once had a job as a Certified Bloodletting Tech-Dude?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.0/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (2) | Simpsons Trivia
September 09, 2006
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 04:19 PM | Email This


1) (T/F) Otto is the school bus driver

2) Which Simpsons character is missing an arm?

3) Which Simpsons character has a wooden leg?

4) Which Simpsons character has a brass knee?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.0/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (4) | Simpsons Trivia
Adventure 2006
Posted by Laurence Simon at 12:17 AM | Email This


With what, your bare hands?


Congratulations, you just killed an intruder with your bare hands!

Rating: 2.3/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (9)
September 08, 2006
IMAO EXCLUSIVE: Democrats Have Captured Their Greatest Threat and Placed Him in Gitmo!
Posted by Frank J. at 11:40 PM | Email This

World is now declared safe.

(fauxtography by cadet happy)

Rating: 2.1/5 (31 votes cast)

Comments (34) | IMAO Exclusives
Maybe I'm Just Hungry... for Freedom
Posted by Frank J. at 07:56 PM | Email This

I just saw this ad on while watching Glenn Beck on CNN Headline Prime, and I think it must be the coolest local ad ever.

Rating: 1.9/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (6)
More Links
Posted by Frank J. at 07:35 PM | Email This

* Can we keep the House and avoid Speaker Pelosi? I dunno, but John Hawkins has a list of 18 possible Republican pick ups. Also, Hawkins has his updated list of his top 30 favorite blogs, and IMAO had dropped ten places. I blame spacemonkey.

* Ralph Peters in the NYPost says, while we should kill terrorists, we conservatives should stop hating all of Islam. But I like hating all of Islam! Still, he makes some good points.

* Clinton says people shouldn't lie. That's a huge flip-flop.

* Here's a nice list of logical fallacies. Try and use them all before the trolls do!

* Lamont's campaign is saying they're being "swift-boated" by a new ad. The ad: Four Connecticut veterans thanking Lieberman for his support of the Iraq war. If Lamont thinks that's an attack ad, he's officially the wussiest little girl of a politician ever.

Rating: 2.3/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (10)
They Want to Kill....Us.
Posted by spacemonkey at 05:51 PM | Email This

They want to kill... us. (Video link)

And they want US to kill THEM.

At least that part we can agree on.

See, there is common ground.

Ground for them to be buried in.

Rating: 2.3/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (11)
It Was Rove Who Wanted to Sink "Path to 9/11" All Along!
Posted by Frank J. at 05:25 PM | Email This

Now the Rove plan is revealed! While the anti-Clinton part of "Path to 9/11" will air on Sunday, President Bush will pre-empt the anti-Bush part with his primetime 9/11 address on Monday, effectively quashing the miniseries without saying a word about it.

So the Democrats get to look like pro-censorship Stalinists as they throw their hissy-fit, and Rove actually suppresses the miniseries without saying a word. It's pure Rovian genius! I bow to our secret Emperor!

Rating: 2.1/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (13)
Ninjas that Look Like America
Posted by Frank J. at 03:48 PM | Email This

Dean Barnett has a "Path to 9/11" FAQ, including an answer to whether Clinton was referring to ninjas dressed in black or African-American ninjas.

Rating: 1.7/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (2)
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 03:05 PM | Email This

Why might ABC lose its broadcast license?


Rating: 1.9/5 (26 votes cast)

Comments (3) | Fun Trivia
IMAO EXCLUSIVE: Excerpt from the Script to The Path to 9/11
Posted by Frank J. at 01:29 PM | Email This


We've just obtained a portion of the script to The Path to 9/11 that contains one of the controversial scenes. See for yourself what the hubbub is over:

BILL CLINTON: Hey, Madeline, you think we should do something about this Osama guy?

MADELINE ALBRIGHT: I don't have time to worry about that; it's almost bikini season and I need to prepare!

CLINTON: Whatever. You want a hit off my joint?

ALBRIGHT: Is it okay to mix that with cocaine?

CLINTON: I dunno. I need some munchies.

[Clinton looks around the empty burger wrappers and drug paraphernalia that cover the floor of the Oval Office. Eventually, he finds an empty Cheetos bag]

CLINTON: Huh? Sandy! Did you shove all the Cheetos down your pants again?


CLINTON: You're going to get powdered cheese all over the classified documents in there! If I keep returning that stuff with unusual stains on them, the CIA says they're going to revoke my clearance!

[Phone rings. Berger answers his cell phone.]

BERGER: Speaking of the devil, the CIA is calling. [listens to the phone for a moment] They say they’ve surrounded the terrorists and want the go ahead order from you.

CLINTON: I don't want to deal with this now. Let's pretend we're not here.

BERGER: [into phone] Dave's not here, man. [Berger drops the phone] I heard gunshots and it was scary so I hung up.

CLINTON: Good. I know what we should do now.

[Huge orgy begins involving Clinton, Albright, Berger, and many chubby interns.]

If you read the 9/11 Commission Report, all of that's in there. Seems pretty accurate to me.

Rating: 2.5/5 (26 votes cast)

Comments (11) | IMAO Exclusives
Propaganda ABC
Posted by sarahk at 12:35 PM | Email This

All day long I've been hearing the dims say that ABC and Disney are just propagandizing for the Republicans to help them win elections.

I agree. It's in their nature to push the Republican agenda. It's all they've done for years. Every night, I come home, cook a pot roast, open my Bible to the New Testament, turn on ABC, get Jesus and my preacher grampa on a conference call, and we have a big old conservative hoedown.

In fact, ABC is currently undergoing a moniker change. Oh, they're sticking with A-B-C, but they're going to change what A-B-C stands for. I mean, other than good Christian fun. Names they're considering:


Rating: 2.6/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (24)
Friday Catblogging
Posted by Laurence Simon at 12:08 PM | Email This

Since it's Friday, I thought I'd spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka "I-MEOW").

Without these Friday Catblogging posts, commenter Bilbo would have to post his "You like cats. This means you're gay" comments in Frank's posts, and Frank wouldn't be satisfied with just deleting the comments or altering them to some random silly phrase. No, he'd ask SarahK to hunt down and kill the little creep.

Actually hunting down and killing a nuisance is not what a keyboard-riding chickenhawk does. It would set a bad example to all the other bloggers out there, and we're all about peace, love, and understanding here, right?

Anyway, it's time for Piper the Tired:

If you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Piper is... um...

Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.

You can find more examples of Friday catblogging by searching a blog search engine such as Technorati for "catblogging."

You can also find a roundup of catblogging posts at The Friday Ark, located at The Modulator blog.

Then, when the weekend is nearly over, head over to The Carnival of the Cats for more kitty goodness.

There's also Flickr Groups called Furry Friday and Friday Catblogging.

Anybody I miss?

Rating: 2.5/5 (29 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Friday Cat-Blogging
Couple Things
Posted by Frank J. at 10:57 AM | Email This

* Dr. Bob Bowman, who is running for Congress in my district against Republican Dave Weldon, has agreed to an interview. Considering his views on the government’s involvement in 9/11 and other issues, that should be interesting. I’m writing my questions for him now.

Weldon's people (I couldn't find a direct e-mail for him) have yet to respond to my interview request.


Questions are sent.

* Huge troll-fest in this post and its follow-up (one actually says this about the Democrats' actions: "It might be censorship, but it's not fascism."). If you want some entertainment, go ahead and jump in. You can also play Faux-Troll Patrol.

* George Bush is for the genocide of black people... according to a candidate for the U.S. Senate. I knew it! (the link also includes more from Hugh Hewitt about The Path to 9/11)

* Sexion has a slate ABC can use to avoid the wrath of the Democrats.

* John Podhertz has a negative review of The Path to 9/11 and says it does slander some people in the Clinton administration... but not Clinton himself. I don't know if this admission is enough for the Democrats to let Podhertz still write columns if they gain power.

* Buy my new shirt or I'll sick the federal government on you!

Rating: 1.8/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Thank You, Kos and Kids; You've Finally Motivated Me to Care About this Election
Posted by Frank J. at 09:17 AM | Email This

When I was at Carnegie Mellon University, our College Republican events often got tailed by an old guy with wild hair who handed out a photocopied, thick document which used wildly varying large fonts to emphasize his evidence about a huge lesbian conspiracy led by Hillary Clinton. Our response was to do our best to avoid eye contact.

With the Democrats today, it's the crazy conspiracy guy that's running the show, and he's trying to avoid eye contact with the quieter, rational people (or shouting, "Traitor!" at them). That would be laughable if it were just some college group that had been taken over, but these guys are now running the show for the Democrats in Congress.

Just look at the posts on the front page of DailyKos today; the nutroots have finally found a greater threat to this country than Joe Lieberman. They are freaking out over the ABC miniseries The Path to 9/11 like hornets that just took a baseball bat to their nest. In one part of it, the movie uses a fictional event to portray the Clinton administration an impotent on terrorism and passing up an opportunity to get bin Laden for political reasons. Since the miniseries uses only one missed opportunity to get bin Laden to represent all the times he dropped the ball, it apparently makes Clinton look more competent than he actually was. Still, stopping this movie from airing has become priority number one for the nutroots, surpassing even their usual activities of diagramming how Karl Rove is to blame for today's weather and eating their own feces. Normally, we'd be like, "So what?" But, when the nutroots say jump, the Democrats in Congress now say, "In how gay a manner?"

Look at the front page of the DNC website to see what their number one item is right now. And, in an unprecedented step, the Democrats, led by Minority Leader Harry Reid, have actually threatened to take away ABC's broadcasting license over this miniseries.

Yes, something has finally motivated the Democrats to act in an intimidating manner, and IT'S A @#$% MINISERIES!

The nutroots have been crying about the government taking away free speech, and they're finally getting what they wanted. In there world, terrorism is an overblown threat that's only the worry of Republicans, but DISSENT WILL NOT BE TOLERATED!

Kos and kids were funny up until now. Really, with the whole Lieberman/Lamont thing, they perpetrated brilliant humor I could only imagine to aspire to. But now the inmates aren't only running the asylum, they've turned it into a headquarters to run part of the government. It's now time to squash this bug. This insane weiner posse doesn't have enough rational thought among the group of them to be involved in decided what topping should go on a pizza, not to mention what should be the priority of the government. The American people have to see the face of who is currently behind the Democratic Party, and we need to drum out of office anyone who is actually beholden to these hate-filled, bat@#$% insane little goobers. There is a war on, there are people plotting to kill us as we speak, and there's no time for playing patty cake.

The 2006 election is on, and the gloves are off, bitch.

Rating: 2.6/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (23)
Links of the Day
Posted by sarahk at 08:15 AM | Email This

Michelle at You Can't Make it Up has the most awesome thing... you're gonna need a tissue... no, really, you are... you kids under 30 will probably experience this for the first time, but for me Michelle brought back a bright, shiny memory. Ok. Feed the Kitty. (h/t Sheila)

_Jon has something many of us can relate to... Should've used duct tape.

I actually would like one of these, sans face hood, because recently I went to the emergency room for an allergic reaction to who knows what, and I stumbled around drunk on Benadryl looking for a bathroom. Lemme tell you, it's a little demeaning walking around half naked, showing off your tushy to the hyperventilating drunk teenager who suh-wears to the sheriff's deputy that she only had half a beer and that girl she was fighting with started the whole thing.

I think I can hear the angels clearing their throats and practicing their scales. The first felony spammer has lost his first appeal and is getting closer to prison. (via Glenn Beck's page 2)

And oh. Don't you just love it when someone tries to beat someone up... and that backfires... and so they try to get the guy arrested instead... and that backfires too... Some morons just never learn. Bwah! (also Beck)

Rating: 2.3/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (2)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 07:55 AM | Email This


1) What does Moe do for the underprivileged and bedridden in his spare time?

2) What does Petrochem Petrochemical Corp make besides Caustic Polypropylene?

3) Sideshow Mel cannot eat what without getting sick?

4) What is the secret to Krustyburger's secret sauce?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.6/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (4) | Simpsons Trivia
September 07, 2006
"Vee have vays of making you cooperate."
Posted by Frank J. at 11:00 PM | Email This

Harry Reid, champion of freedom of speech.

Rating: 2.6/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (18)
Posted by Frank J. at 09:01 PM | Email This

Check this out!

If you don't do what the Democrats say, they will take away your freedom of speech!

Even if the docudrama is inaccurate (reportedly, they use an invented scene to make Clinton look less feckless than he really was), you can't threaten a company's broadcast license over it! This is pure fascism on the part of Democrats!


Seriously, I was leaning towards ABC shouldn't air something this controversial miniseries with made up events (which are supposed to be almalgamations of multiple events), but this is response is unprecedented.

Hey, Democrats maybe if you put some this energy to stopping terrorism instead of miniseries, you wouldn't look like such of bunch of worthless little enuchs that you are.

More from Allahpundit here.

But he says we should all link here.

I'm going to go punch something.


Here's my further introspection on this issue.


To reiterate for the trolls: The Democrats are threatening to take away ABC's broadcast license, which never happened with the Reagan miniseries. Instead of just putting pressure on a network and its advertisers through normal means, they're using threats of government retaliation. That's textbook fascism right there.

If only the Democrats could get as angry about terrorists murdering people...

Also, for the record, I don't think ABC should run a fictionalized account of what led to 9/11... but that's not the concern of the government.

Rating: 2.3/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (177)
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 06:46 PM | Email This

What am I questioning the timing of?


Rating: 2.1/5 (24 votes cast)

Comments (6) | Fun Trivia
Congratulations to Sgt. Joe Foo' the Marine!
Posted by Frank J. at 04:34 PM | Email This

Who is now his way to being Lt. Joe foo' the Marine having just been accepted into OCS! He's a bit old for becoming an officer, but that's because his application got delayed because he was deployed to Iraq. Anyway, my brother has really been wanting this for some time, and I'm just so happy to hear he got accepted that I have to tell everyone.

That reminds me: My brother had some interesting things to say about the military and Iraq, and I should put what he said up soon as it will be illegal for him to express such opinions when he becomes an officer.

Rating: 2.8/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (18)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 04:20 PM | Email This


1) (T/F) Dr. James Jolly is the Simpson's doctor

2) Who is Lisa's favorite jazz musician?

3) Springfield's veterinarian flunked out of what kind of school?

4) Why did Santa's Little Helper need an expensive operation?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.5/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Simpsons Trivia
I Like this Romney Guy
Posted by sarahk at 03:16 PM | Email This

Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney was all over the news and talk shows yesterday (both Rush and Beck talked about him, O'Reilly talked about him, and I think Beck was having him on today) because of the stance he's taking on that nutjob former president of Iran Khatami coming to speak about tolerance at Harvard on September 10 and 11. Bravo, Harvard, y'all really are a bastian of civilization, you [insert expletive of choice here, I just can't pick my favorite, and I know Jesus would rather I didn't use one](s). Anyway, Romney has refused to use state funds to provide security and has asked Harvard to disinvite. Of course Harvard is full of "intellectuals" (yeah, I can think of more accurate words) who just have to hear his feelings on being tolerant. And Boston has lovingly stepped in to provide security. They're so sweet there in Boston.

I need to add that to my to do list: Write letter to State Department asking why they issued this lunatic a propaganda visa. I hear they gave one to Ahmadinejad too for an upcoming U.N. meeting. In fact, I hear we still let the U.N. meet here, in NYC, which is in the United States, for that matter. So I guess I have a really long letter to the State Department that needs writin'. I mean, who hands out the State Department visas?

Wanna come here as a "diplomat"? All's ya gotta do is be tolerant. All you have to do is threaten that if the free world doesn't convert to Islam, they will meet harm. You think America is the great Satan? Here! Have a Visa! You want to come be on a "Security Council" where you can vote for everything that stands against American values and vote for everything that moves toward world destruction, and do it on our soil? Here! Have a Visa! Who wants a Visa so they can take billions of our dollars and never vote for our interests and only against our interests while letting us prop up their teeny countries while they spit in our faces?? 5 for a peso!

Wait, this was a post about how much I like Mitt Romney, and somehow I ended up screeching about how the U.N. is worthless and does nothing but steal our money to funnel it to countries that evilly plot against us, when they're not using it to deploy "peacekeepers", some of whom murder and rape women and children for fun while vacationing in Sudan. And how we keep giving diplomatic visas to their "leaders" so they can come over here on propaganda tours, when they are terrorists and terror sponsors and should not even be allowed inside our borders. The second they get over here, they should be strung up by their toes and beaten like pinatas. Or something.

Anyway, I like Mitt Romney. He has a great presence about him, too. I would like to know where he got his first name, though. I know he's a governor and potential future president, but at the same time I feel like I should use him to catch a baseball or take a pie out of the oven. I'm conflicted.

Rating: 2.0/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (25)
The Ethics of a Docudrama
Posted by Frank J. at 02:28 PM | Email This

As I said, many people are upset that the upcoming ABC docudrama The Path to 9/11 may use made up events based on reality to make Bill Clinton look feckless instead of using better documented instances of his fecklessness. So how much "fake but accurate" scenes is a docudrama allowed? Obviously, ever single line can't be taken straight from a transcript, so some artistic liberty is needed. Also, it's common to make minor changes to history for the sake of drama (in Apollo 13, the famous line was changed from "Houston, we had a problem." to "Houston, we have a problem.").

For a thought exercise, let's take an actual line Clinton is known to have uttered and see what changes can be made while stilling being ethical in the representation of Bill Clinton:


Rating: 2.4/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (6)
The New Name for Our Enemies
Posted by Frank J. at 02:02 PM | Email This

I've looked through the suggestions for a new name for our enemies that wouldn't offend CAIR like "Islamic fascists" does, and I've picked what I think is the winner:


Rating: 2.2/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (14)
Frank Answers: Babies, Clinton, Moons, and the Mall
Posted by Frank J. at 01:32 PM | Email This

Once again, it's time for my wisdom. Sit back, read, and be ensmartened.

Gunga asks:
If two women came to you and both claimed to be the mother of the same baby, how would you resolve the conflict?

I'd put the baby up for auction on eBay. Obviously, the real mother would love the baby more and be the highest bidder. Even if it doesn't play out that way, I should at least make a decent profit.

Serious bidders only, please.

SkyeChild writes:
Who's on first?


Son of Bob asks:
Was Bill Clinton really the President of the United States or were my friends just playing a really sick joke?

It's a bit of both, really. Practical jokes can be funny, but that one did go a bit far. At least, generations from now, people should be able to read in their history books about those eight years and laugh... and they may need a laugh with all the mutant cyborgs destroying everything.

Nick asks:
Where are you going to get new readers from if we don't ask good enough questions?

Probably the mall. There are lots of people at the mall.

GEBIV writes:
Do you have any plans for nuking any of the other planets' moons? I mean Phobos and Deimos are puny little things that hardly have the right to be called moons anyways... hmmmm.... did I just stumble into the real reason for the NASA Mars plans?

I like Phobos and Deimos. They're where the Doom computer games took place. Also, they don't conform to the boring, unoriginal round shape like most other natural satellites. Plus, Phobos is daring, orbiting Mars closer than any other moon in our solar system. Were you to stand on Phobos and look at Mars, it would take up one quarter of the sky. Now that would be a cool sight.

So Phobos and Deimos are cool, and there is not strategic advantage to nuking them. Thus, your question is stupid and so are you.

Sherry L. asks:
How many Jihadists does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They don't change light bulbs. They just shake their fists in the darkness while blaming the "joooos" for their misfortune. Then, unable to see, one stumbles and accidentally sets off one of their bombs, killing them all. It's not really a punch line, but it's still funny.

Scott R asks:
What is the cube root of tapioca?

That's it; I'm going to the mall.

If you have questions for me (good ones) put them in the comments or stand by the Orange Julius and shout them at me as I walk by.

Rating: 2.0/5 (25 votes cast)

Comments (11) | Frank Answers
His Comments Are "Special"
Posted by Frank J. at 12:28 PM | Email This

I've seen a number of blogs post about Keith Olbermann, and he really does sound like a tool. Places like DailyKos and DU seem to be worshipping him as their new god for his - their words - "speaking truth to power" (can people actually type that with a straight face?), but all he has said is the regular nitwit commentary you'll find on left-wing blogs... the only difference being he's on MSNBC. Now, as far as viewership goes, being a commentator on MSNBC is just a step up from being a crazy standing on a city sidewalk shouting at people (which is just a step up from being a poster on DU), and thus I haven't bothered to pay him much attention. Still, I ask you, my readers, whether you think he's worth my attention and mockery. Say what you think in the comments (if you haven't heard of him, say so and I'll take that as a "no" on this question).

Rating: 2.3/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (30)
Might As Well Milk This Dr. Bob Thing...
Posted by Frank J. at 10:07 AM | Email This

I was curious who was it that lost to Dr. Bob Bowman for the Democratic nomination to run for Congress in Florida district 15 (my district) in the 2006 election. He's another 71-year-old retired Air Force veteran who seem to be only normal Democrat crazy according to his site (the Orlando Sentinel endorsed him over Dr. Bob pretty much just because Dr. Bob is too crazy) and whose strongest aspect is that his name is John Kennedy. I guess normal crazy just isn't enough to win a Democratic primary these days; the base wants super crazy!

Oh, and to give you an idea of Wikipedians priorities, look at the size of the entry for Dr. Bob (which does need updating since, last I checked, it only refer to him collect signatures for this election) compared to that of his opponent, six-term Republican Dave Weldon (Weldon has made national news on a number of other things than Schiavo).

Incidentally, having lived in Florida since 2001, I've voted for Weldon twice now. Whether he'll get a third vote from me will be decided as this campaign unfolds. I know Dr. Bob’s stance on keeping violent videogames from brainwashing our troops, but what’s Weldon’s. He is my Congressman, so maybe I should start asking questions.

Rating: 2.6/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Leftwing Blogs: Against Jews and Movies
Posted by Frank J. at 09:14 AM | Email This

Apparently the nutroots have found something to obsess over other than eating one of their own as shown by the number of front page posts on DailyKos about the upcoming ABC miniseries The Path to 9/11. Now, instead of spending countless energy trying to swap one liberal Democrat for another, they’re spending all their time trying to stop a movie from airing that they think might defame the even less liberal Bill Clinton who was last running for something in 1996.

I dunno when the nutroots is going to focus on defeating Republicans running now, but I hope it's soon since we could really use the boost.

Anyway, The Path to 9/11 is a docudrama based entirely on documents found in Sandy Berger's pants. The most controversial scene is where Clinton's ninjas have surrounded Osama bin Laden and our waiting for the go-ahead smoke signal from Sandy Berger, but Berger won't give it since Clinton is afraid about how the conflict will affect his chances with chubby women. Apparently, many people are disputing the factual accuracy of this scene, but, you have to admit, it sounds true.

Still, it seems suspicious that hard-core moderates like Rush Limbaugh have gotten a preview of the movie while the same courtesy has not been afforded to those it depicts, such as Berger and Clinton, but this can be explained by the worry that Berger would shove the film down his pants while Clinton would do the same with any chubby women at the screening.

Man, those Clinton years were fun.

Rating: 2.3/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (10)
September 06, 2006
He's Crazy and He's Local
Posted by Frank J. at 05:22 PM | Email This

Normally I wouldn't pay any attention to who is running against my Congressman, Rep. Dave Weldon, since it's a secure seat for the conservative Republican, but, since Allahpundit and Rusty Shackleford are both posting about his Democrat opponent, Dr. Bob Bowman, maybe I should look into this one. Apparently Bob is pretty sure that it's Dick Cheney who was behind 9/11.

We have a live one here!

Again, my district is an extremely safe one for Republicans (our only locally elected Democrat is, appropriately, the tax collector), so you'd only expect a nut to actually waste the time running against Weldon. Still, maybe I could do some undercover work on this one to expose exactly how nuts many Democrats have become.

I'll need one of those glue-on mustaches and a fake name. Too bad "Rusty Shackleford" is taken.

Here's Dr. Bob's campaign site and his views on 9/11.

More Views:
* CIA: It should be abolished.
* Crime: "If I were President, I would pardon thousands of nonviolent offenders and political prisoners." (not sure who the political prisoners are, but he supports a surrender on the war on drugs)
* Defense Spending: He wants to end our occupation... of Germany and Japan. Time to finally put an end to WWII!
* Gun Control: "Until we can disarm the crooks -- and the FBI and the DEA and the IRS and the INS and the CIA and the military -- we MUST allow citizens to bear arms to protect themselves against tyranny."
* North Korea: "Then why did we go to war against Iraq and not North Korea? Two reasons: (1) our leaders really knew Saddam had no weapons of mass destruction, and therefore Iraq would be much easier to defeat militarily than North Korea, and (2) North Korea doesn’t have any oil."
* Moral Issues: "I do agree that public servants need to set a high moral standard for themselves, as an example. As Presiding Archbishop of the United Catholic Church, I'm used to having to do that. And I favored the impeachment of Bill Clinton -- but for the right reason. Not over poor Monica. I would have impeached him for the bombing of Baghdad and the rape of Yugoslavia."
* Violent Videogames: He's against violent videogames because they're used by the U.S. military to desensitize our troops.

I so have to be a part of this campaign...

Rating: 2.4/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (26)
It's Like Trying to Use the One Ring to Fight Sauron
Posted by Frank J. at 04:35 PM | Email This

Bill Clinton was crazy. In a post from Dean Barnett about the upcoming ABC docudrama, he mentions this actual quote from Mr. Bill:

(WARNING: Contains a swear word, but I'm not altering it since it's historical)


Rating: 2.3/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (29)
Parting shots
Posted by Laurence Simon at 04:23 PM | Email This

Just to confirm the fact that any sentiments expressed by Katie Couric at the end of each evening newscast are entirely disingenuine, she's asking the viewing audience to come up with what will be her trademark parting phrase.

Here's my suggestions:

"If you think that as hard, try doing that with Tri-Delt anniversary pin nipple piercings."

"I'm Katie Couric, and I get my own bathroom. Not because I demanded it in the contract, but everyone else put it in theirs."

"I'm done, and if my kids are watching instead of doing their homework, you're getting the belt again."

"CBS. See B S. Heh heh heh."

"Thank you for 22 minutes of your undivided attention. Want a goddamned receipt?"

"From New York, with Betsy Cronkite's blood on my hands, I'm Katie Couric."

"Buy all the products you saw and make Aunty Katie happy, okay?"

"And now, your local news. Then, when that crap is over, CSI."

"I still don't make enough money to buy my soul back from Satan."

"Pull my finger."

"... and to all of our illegal alien viewers, you can switch back from the second audio program now."

"It's the Batsignal!"

"Hey, their first pick was John Madden. Deal with it."

"From New York, making more errors and dollars per minute of work than Derek Jeter, I'm Katie Couric."

Got better? Put 'em in the comments.

Rating: 2.5/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (34)
Question of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 03:48 PM | Email This

CAIR doesn't like the label "Islamic Fascists" being used to describe our enemies because it doesn't want Islam associated with fascism. What your idea for a new, less offensive name for our terrorist enemies?

My idea is "Islamic Goat-Rapists".

Rating: 2.9/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (27)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 03:04 PM | Email This


1) What is the Springfield holiday where snakes are chased with sticks?

2) Which Simpsons character allegedly took a shot at Teddy Roosevelt?

3) When Marge is arrested and sent to jail, who is her cell mate?

4) Gabbo is the dummy at the end of the arm of whom?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.2/5 (24 votes cast)

Comments (4) | Simpsons Trivia
In My World: That Awful Saccharin Taste
Posted by Frank J. at 01:00 PM | Email This

"Where am I?" Joe Wilson cried.

"An undisclosed location," Dick Cheney sneered.

"A place you'll never escape from," President Bush said.

A evil laugh emanated from the shadows, and Wilson could only assume it came from Karl Rove. Wilson then looked around the room. "This kinda looks like the Denny's near my house."

"Maybe it is." Bush accepted a coffee from the waitress. "So, Joe, we're really tired about hearing about you and your wife, so it's time to put an end to this."

"What did you do with my wife?"

Bush smiled. "We simply strapped her to a table with a laser beam slowly moving towards her to cut her in half."

"But don't worry," Cheney added, "She's a..." Cheney did air quotes. "'Secret Agent'. I'm sure it will be no trouble for her."

"Leave my wife alone!" Wilson cried. "She's my meal ticket!"

"Speaking of meals..." Bush put on some protective gloves and set a lead box on the table. "Why don't you have some... YELLOW CAKE!" Bush opened the box, took out some uranium, and shoved it in Wilson's mouth.

"Noooo... mmmrph..."

* * * *

"Is it really my job to hold people up while you pummel them?" Tony Snow asked.

"Yes, Snowman." Bush landed a couple more punches into Senator Harry Reid's gut. "You should have read your job contract more closely." Bush punched Reid again, but then stopped. "Aww, now I've forgotten why I'm punching him. You see, that's why I always liked Tom Daschle better: I never forgot why I was punching him. Okay, Tony, let him go."

Reid stumbled out of the Oval Office.

"And don't do whatever you did again!" Bush yelled at him. He turned to Tony. "So what's next?"

"I believe you're meeting with Mayor Ray Nagin."

"This place is nice!" Nagin said as he entered the Oval Office. "But it could use more chocolate!"

"Grab him!" Bush shouted and picked up a tire iron. Tony held Nagin's hands behind his back while Bush readied his tire iron. "I'm gonna bash you in the head, Nagin, until you start talking sense!"

"This is totally un-chocolaty!" Nagin yelped. He then wiggled out of his suit jacket and ran off.

"Tony!" Bush yelled. "You need to keep a better hold! Nagin is weasely!"

"Sorry, Mr. President. Anyway, I have a press conference soon, and it's just been reported that Joe Wilson has mutated into a half-man, half-badger. Do we have an official statement on that?"

"I don't know anything about that!" Bush screamed at Tony. "Stop accusing me of everything!"

"Uh... okay. Are you all right, Mr. President?"

"I'm just a bit stressed, that's all. We could lose Congress in the upcoming election, so I need to get things done now. There's still a lot of work to be done to move most of the government under the authority of Halliburton." Bush thought for a moment. "Hey, Tony, could you go drive to the Home Depot and see if there are any Mexicans who want to do some government work for cheap?"

"As I said, I have a press conference."

"Fine! Don't help! Do your stupid press conference and talk to the dumb press people! I have to catch a flight on Air Force One for speeches and fund raisers and stuff, and guess who isn't invited?"

"I really don't care, sir."

"That's right! You!"

* * * *

"So, I just wanted to warn you that there is a murderer loose in the UN headquarters," Bush told John Bolton over the phone.

"I know. The UN is horribly inefficient so I've been killing people to speed things up. Also, with each soul I take, my 'satche grows in power."

"Oh... okay then. Well, keep up the good work."

"By the way, the President of Iran wants to debate you."

"But I hate debates! They're so boring! And especially don't want to have one with some guy I can't pronounce the name of!" Bush thought for a moment. "I guess I'll talk to Rumsfeld about just nuking Iran, because I was really set on the idea that I'd never have another debate."

As Bush hung up the phone, a TSA agent approached. "Sir, we need you to step aside for special screening before you're allowed on Air Force One."


"Our records show that you previously nearly killed the President, which makes you a special risk for this flight."

"But I didn't mean to choke on that pretzel!"

"Is that a liquid you have with you?"

Bush looked at his bottle of Mountain Dew. "That's my Dew, man."

"Liquids aren't allowed past security. You'll have to hand that over."

Bush clutched his bottle tight. "No one takes my Dew!"

The TSA agent frowned. "Fine, then I guess you aren't getting on the flight." He picked up his walkie-talkie. "Go ahead and take off."

Bush watched as Air Force One left without him. "Aww... there goes my plans for this week. Might as well go play videogames and leave representing the administration up to Snowman." He took a sip of his Mountain Dew. "Eww! This is diet! I don't want this!"

* * * *

"Yes, I can say quite conclusively that Bush was never a member of the Nazi Youth, and, if Wikipedia says otherwise, then someone should correct it. Next question."

David Gregory stepped forward.

"Are you going to behave this time, David?" Tony asked.

"I always behave!" Gregory snapped.

Tony rolled his eyes. "Fine. What's your question?"

Gregory held up a piece of paper and read from it. "The Republicans failed to anticipate the insurgency in Iraq and failed to react appropriately. Because of the distraction of this war--"

"That's not a question, David," Tony interrupted. "You're just reading the Democrats' talking points."

"No I'm not! No I'm not!"

"I can see the DNC logo on that piece of paper from here."

"Nuh-uh!" Gregory tried to hide the piece of paper under his suit jacket. "That was just a blank piece of paper."

"Then I guess you could let me see it."

"No! Mine!"

"Now you're acting like a child, David."

Gregory dropped to the ground and started pounding it while screaming, "I'm not acting like a child! You're acting like a child! Waaaah!"

Suddenly, Rumsfeld burst through the wall to the press briefing room. "Nazi appeasers! All of you! Kill Nazi appeasers! Rarr!"

"Aieee! There's murder in his eyes!" yelled a reporter.

Rumsfeld chased after the press who fled in a panic. Tony shook his head. "Can't I have one press conference that doesn't end with David Gregory throwing a hissy fit and Rumsfeld trying to kill everyone?"

Rating: 2.2/5 (25 votes cast)

Comments (15) | In My World
Frank Airline Security
Posted by Frank J. at 10:51 AM | Email This

So, is this ban on liquids at airports a permanent thing? And does that mean that whatever the terrorists try and use next as a bomb, that's the next thing to get banned until we're all forced to board airplanes with nothing but scrubs supplied to us by Homeland Security?

Whoever is in charge of airport security needs to be fired and they need to hire me instead. I'm not going to waste time searching people for whether they have a bottle of Sprite on them and instead try and actually find terrorists. It's a novel idea, but it just might work.

First, you ask airline passengers questions such as:

"Is Jesus your own personal savior?"

If someone answers anything other than "Yes" or "I'm Jewish", you take that person to a backroom and you question him big time by an FBI agent.

Also, all passengers should be offered bacon prior to a flight. If someone responds to the bacon offer with anything other than "Yes, I would love some yummy bacon" or "I'm Jewish", you take that person to a backroom and you question him big time by an FBI agent.

Instead of CNN playing on the airline TV, it will be a new cartoon called "The Wacky Adventures of Prophet Mohammed". If someone is spotted not laughing when Mohammed gets hit in the face with a pie, you take that person to a backroom and you question him big time by an FBI agent.

I think this all adds up to a much better flying experience. Instead of having to take off your shoes and getting your bottle of Evian confiscated, you only get asked a couple questions while getting free bacon and cartoons while you are assured by the fact that the terrorists are in a backroom getting "questioned". Everyone (who matters) is happy.

Rating: 2.3/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (19)
Help IMAO Know The Difference Between Hasidic Jews Praying On the Plane and Islamofascists Praying to Allah Right Before They Try to Take It Down
Posted by sarahk at 09:55 AM | Email This

A Hasidic Jew was praying on an Air Canada flight (h/t Glenn Beck), and the flight attendant told him to shut it, then they landed the plane and escorted him off and put him on the next flight. He didn't speak English or French, but he kept saying "I'm not a Muslim, you buttfaces!", and I'm pretty sure a Muslim wouldn't have claimed to be an evil Joooo. They had to get to the ground and wait for a translator to understand that "I'm a Jew" means "I'm not going to kill you."

His rocking back and forth with a head covering was bothering people.

Ok. Honestly, if I'd seen that, I'd have been freaking out. Alright, I'd have been on notice as soon as I saw the head covering come out of the carry-on. I'd have been on my feet hitting the flight attendant ding button projectile vomiting on my fellow passengers. I'm a paranoid profiling nutjob, and I know it. Just ask Frank, who had to fly with me this week. And I'd have been listening. Is he saying Allah? Is he saying filthy infidels? Is that an Akbar? No wait. That guy just said Yahweh. And he's just rocking back and forth praying.

And when the flight attendant asked him to stop praying and he didn't say stuff about infidels and Allah, blah blah blah, that should have been a clue, no? The guy flat out said he wasn't a Muslim. And he didn't start acting all crazy when he got approached. And I'll bet he looked something like these guys.

The Jewish group B'nai Brith Canada has offered to help give Air Canada crews sensitivity training.

Um... Let's not go there, or CAIR and the ACLU will be jumping all over that and making sure flight attendants are sensitive to the poor wittle feewings of Muslims and making sure no one ever asks them to calm down when they're screaming about Allah and trying to down the planes. "Everyone listen to how Omar's feeling. What he's saying is that America is the Great Satan, and we need to be more sensitive to his cause. Can everyone just join hands with Omar and tell him one of the things you like about him. Ok, I'll start. Omar, I think your bomb is pretty."

Not that I'll ever fly Air Canada. I hear they speak English and French.

So if I ever accidentally do fly Air Canada, how do I tell the difference between a praying Hasidic Jew and an Islamofascist who wants to murder the infidels? Put your answers in the comments. Please. If you don't know, make something up. Do some research. I tried, but it's hard.

UPDATE: I should read IMAO more often. My h/t should have been to IMAO.

Rating: 2.7/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (32)
September 05, 2006
... and his yamulke had the letters "BMF" embroidered on it!
Posted by Laurence Simon at 08:58 PM | Email This

Q: Why would passengers be spooked by a old Jew praying on an airplane?


Rating: 2.2/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (8)
RWD to leave IMAO...
Posted by RightWingDuck at 05:55 PM | Email This

Sometimes you just have to move on.

That's what I think about when I think of IMAO. That and somebody should really think about cleaning up the blogroll.

It’s been fun. After hundreds of posts and dozens of laughs, I’m sure you’d agree that I’ve.. er. uh. posted here lots of times.

Anyway, it’s time for RWD to move on.

September will be my last month blogging at IMAO.

It’s been real.

And Nice.

And sometimes real nice.

Since IMAO likes to tell you what to think, I’ve put together a list of questions you probably have.

Ducky leaving: FAQ's

Are you leaving blogging altogether?

Probably not. I'm sure I'll continue writing somewhere.

What’s making you leave?

Time constraints and Carpal Tunnel. Mostly Carpal Tunnel.

Will you be guest posting at IMAO from time to time?

Frank J. and I exchanged email. I will be guest posting depending on how you interpret the phrase “Get out and stay out.”

Isn’t it true that bloggers retire but always come back?

Probably. But I’m not really retiring. I’m simply moving on to other comedy projects.

Like what?

Can’t tell you.



I bet you that you don’t have ANYTHING going on!

Shut up!!

I heard you always got bent out of shape that people confused your work with Frank J’s.

Shut up. Not true.

Well, anyway. We are glad you had fun writing here and we’ll miss you, Frank!


So what’s next?

I’m here until the end of September. Tune in.

Rating: 2.7/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (31)
In the Mail
Posted by Frank J. at 02:29 PM | Email This

Being the big league blogger that I am, I get offered free copies of new books all the time in hopes I will promote them. I've stopped giving out my P.O. Box for the books, though, since I find I never read them since I just don't have the time and because reading is for dorks. But, when Blackfive said he had a book coming out, I had to get myself a copy. When I got home from my vacation, I found a package from Simon & Schuster. Not knowing who they were, I put the package out in a field and used a remote control robot to open it. Luckily, there was no bomb inside, but instead there was the book Blogs of War.

I've only had time to read the intro where Blackfive write about what drove him to blog - mainly finding out that a friend died heroically in Iraq but no one, including a reporter who witnessed the event, bothered to write anything about the incident. Now, Blackfive has a whole book of real stories from our troops as taken from the many milblogs that have sprung up over the years. You can read all about his book here. Go check it out.


Rating: 2.4/5 (26 votes cast)

Comments (5)
KTE: Terrorists T-Shirts Still Ready for Pre-Order
Posted by Frank J. at 01:42 PM | Email This

You better order the new Know Thy Enemy: Terrorists t-shirt now or there will be grave consequences. Only if you scan and e-mail me a doctor's note confirming that you are a flaming homosexual will you be excused from buying one.

Just a reminder.

Rating: 2.7/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (2)
By Any Objective Measure, Islam Is for Losers
An Editorial by Frank J.
Posted by Frank J. at 12:36 PM | Email This

 As you've probably seen, Al Qaeda is now trying to recruit everyone into Islam. I don't think that will work out too well, as they've yet to give any reason to join their happy fun religion other than that, if we don't, they may possibly one day successfully do another terrorist attack and kill a fraction of a fraction of a fraction of one percent of the non-Islamic population. It's telling their recruiting campaign sticks to empty threats rather than listing the merits of Islam, because, apparently, there just aren't any merits to list.

"Were you to look at the conditions of Muslims versus non-Muslims, one can only conclude that God really doesn't like Islam."

 What is the average Muslim? Some guy who hasn't bathed in a week wearing a dress as he wanders the desert escorting a woman dressed like a ninja. What possible sane reason can someone name for me to want to be a part of that? Is there anything other than murderousness that Muslims succeed the rest of the population in? Have they contributed anything scientifically or culturally to the world in the past hundred years? They did get us to change our screening procedures at airports, but I'm stumped at coming up with anything more significant than that.

 To be sure, there are plenty of smart, productive Muslims... but they're all here in Western countries run by the non-Islamic. The more Islamic a country gets, the more Godforsaken it seems to be... which really doesn't speak well of the religion. Were you to look at the conditions of Muslims versus non-Muslims, one can only conclude that God really doesn't like Islam. I'm not saying that's true; I'm just saying that were one to observe things objectively, you're forced to conclude that. The Islamic countries are pretty much the worst countries out there. Like Robinson Crusoe, they're as primitive as can be (but more murderery). Do they even make those Korans they love to read, or are those done by independent presses here in the States? Do those dress-like garments they wear bear the labels "Made in Taiwan"? I really want to know.

 Sure, they do have oil, which, by itself, seems like a gift from God, but, when taken against everything else, it's more like a few nickels tossed at a beggar. It's like God gave the Islamic countries oil just to keep them around to laugh it. If it weren't for their oil, the rest of the world would pretty much ignore them while they slaughtered each other (though some entrepreneur might film some of the carnage to sell packaged along with Bum Fights).

 Now, I know the response to this: "Sure, Muslims don't seem very favored in this world, but wait until the rewards in the next." Now, I haven't read the Koran (it's next on my reading list after Tom Clancy's Op-Center XII: War of Eagles), but, apparently, if you blow yourself along with a room full of daycare students, you get 72 virgins in heaven. Thus, Islam seems to be out to attract sex perverts. Still, is 72 women whom you really want to spend all eternity with? I know I don't find it to be that great an idea. Eventually, you will get tired of the sex, and will any of these women be able to give interesting opinion on the latest episode of Battlestar Gallactica or be good competition for a game of Mario Kart? I don't know, and the Koran is silent on this issue. What I do know is, when my wife find me with 72 no-longer-virgins, heaven is going to become hell rather quickly.

 All in all, Islam seems to be full of a lot of murderous, barbaric, moron losers who obviously don't have any girlfriends. I don't know if Islam causes people to be murderous, barbaric, moron losers, but there certainly is a strong correlation between the two. Maybe Islam, as it now stands, happens to attract murderous, barbaric, moron losers while repelling kinder more intelligent people. I just don't know, but what I do know is that, at this time, I'm going to have to decline Al Qaeda's generous offer to join their religion which, by any objective measure, is quite crappy.

Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as "Glances of the Legendary: New Documented Sighting of Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, and Moderate Muslims" and "The Scientific Contributions of Muslims in the Past One Hundred Years (Now with a Third Page of Pictures)".

Rating: 2.6/5 (26 votes cast)

Comments (28) | Editorials
Frank Answers: Of Mice and Dogs
Posted by Frank J. at 11:00 AM | Email This

You have question and I have answers. It's like we were meant to be together.

Chris S. asks:
Can a normal sized mouse beat up a small bird (e.g. a blue jay)?

Have a little pride in you own Class, man. When you have Mammalia versus Aves or whatever, bet on the Mammalia.

If you ever watched a mouse fight a blue jay, the way it usually works is the mouse will surprise the bird by jumping on its back, knocking the blue jay to the ground. The mouse will then slam the bird's head over and over into the pavement until there's nothing left but blood and feathers.

Mice can be vicious if they're not taking their meds.

Scott R asks:
Does your dog bite?

My pit-bull mix Rowdi doesn't bite. She hugs... with her mouth.

Brian the Adequate asks:
Will you (unlike a certain Duck we know) actually answer these questions? Will you ever force the Duck to do the same?

I'll answer some questions. I may know all, but I don't have time to tell all. As for Ducky, Ducky does what Ducky wants to do. If I try to force him into something, he may get violent. Not necessarily against me, but he will harm people.

Don't taunt the Duck.

QUINN asks:
How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck was Chuck Norris?

All of it. A Chuck Norris woodchuck would chuck all wood with a single roundhouse kick, and forever after there would be no more chucking of wood... by woodchucks or any others.

Laurence Simon asks:
Ever punched a head of lettuce?

Of course. I'm not actually sure what other use there is for a head of lettuce. I hear some people use them to make “salads”, but what "those kind of people" do in the privacy of their own homes is no business of mine.

Francesco Poli writes:
If I ask nicely, will you petition the US government to bomb the Communist HQ here in Italy?

You don't even have to ask nicely. Just mention the words "Communist" and "headquarters", and I'll soon be calling my Congressman telling him what I want bombed if he wants to count on my vote.

spacemonkey writes:
If questions were doughnuts...or raisins... ok, I don't have a question.

You just wasted my time, spacemonkey. Time to dock your pay again.

Well, sons of whores, that's all the wisdom you get for now. I have a big backlog of questions, but, if you want to ask some more, just put them in the comments.

Rating: 3.0/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (20) | Frank Answers
The 2006 Elections: Get Ready for Hell
Posted by Frank J. at 09:00 AM | Email This

Hey, sportsfans. It's been a while, and I have a bit to get off my chest. Let's start with the main issue: the 2006 elections. It's going to be here soon, and the reality is that the Republicans are probably going to lose the House. Well, boo-freaking-hoo. Lately, the Grand Old Party has left me as uninspired as the latest American Idol rip-off. Not only haven't they thrown us faithful any red meat, they haven't even tossed us a few pieces of beef jerky. I mean, the country is being threatened by an army of nutball scum with no civilized sense of humanity or decency - and that's just the moonbats on the leftwing blogs - but the poodles in Congress aren't exactly rallying the public. You'd hope a few Republicans would have enough sense to walk around with a towel-wrapped Islamist's head on a pike - his mouth frozen mid "Allah!" - while pointing to it and proudly saying, "Yeah, my voting record helped accomplish this. Frankly, if things keep going as they are, we're going to have to order more pikes because we simply don't have enough to match the supply of terrorist heads. Actually, if you see a sale on pikes at the Wal-Mart, please pick us up a few."

But, no, that's not going to happen because that would take some courage of convictions and, frankly, some stones - and, if I were to name one thing in short supply across the river Potomac, that would be it. How can we find leadership from people lacking the energy to even slap around the Democrats - the sissies of sissies? I mean, Democrats get thrown out of gay bars for being so swishy that just make everyone there too gosh darn uncomfortable. The average Democratic male needs daily injections of testosterone to keep his voice from sounding like Mickey Mouse and to keep his testes nearing the size of peanuts. If you can't bully those guys (and I use the term loosely) around, then you're probably handing over your lunch money every recess to Urkel.

Anyway, my point - and, unfortunately for you, I have one - is that A fire needs to be lit under the backsides of these milquetoasts in Congress, and I know exactly what will do it:


Rating: 2.7/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (17)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 07:21 AM | Email This


1) "The Colossus" is a giant what that Homer buys at the mall?

2) Who wants Abe Simpson to lend him money to build a death ray?

3) After Bart is hit by a car, what does he do while riding the escalator to Heaven?

4) According to Burns' court testimony, where was he going when he hit Bart with his car?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.0/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (3) | Simpsons Trivia
September 04, 2006
IMAO Podcast Lost Episode: The Rove Boat
Posted by Laurence Simon at 03:42 PM | Email This

This is one of several "Lost Episodes" of the IMAO Podcast that never made it beyond the scripting stage.

I posted "Mining Accident" a few months ago when it was decided it would be in bad taste to mock the West Virginia mining accidents in such a fashion.

Well, this one never quite made it because cruise ships didn't exactly factor in this summer's headlines like they have in the past. Plus, everybody is still lazy and tired from a long hot summer. And gras prices are way too high.

I'm sure that my "Bargain Hunter" parody of Steve Irwin will end up in the discard bin now. It was a good one too, with me risking my life by going to huge holiday sales and taunting wild and dangerous shoppers. "Sixty percent off? Oy Gevalt! And such nice material!"

So get yourself a beverage, sit back, and enjoy the still-rough draft of "The Rove Boat"


Rating: 2.2/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Crikey :(
Posted by Frank J. at 03:07 PM | Email This

I, like many people, am quite sad to hear about Steve Irwin's passing. I've never heard of death from a stingray (I swam with them myself recently). Anyway, I've been getting a lot of google hits for this old IMW starring him, so I'll put a link up to it as my tribute.

If there are crocodiles in heaven, I'm sure Steve Irwin is taunting them as we speak.

Rating: 2.1/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (14)
The J Is Back, Yo
Posted by Frank J. at 02:10 PM | Email This

I'm back to Florida, and a lot has happened in the news in the past week and a lot has been brewing in my head, so expect a burst of blogging starting tomorrow.

While waiting, please pre-order my new t-shirt. My dog needs food (actually, since the dog spa boarding her is closed today, I don't get to see her until tomorrow :(

BTW, if you have a blog and want to help in a tribute to the victims on 9/11 for the fifth anniversary of the attack, go here to sign up as there are still some names left to be assigned to bloggers.

Rating: 2.3/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Labor Day....Off
Posted by spacemonkey at 11:33 AM | Email This

Happy Lazy, err, Labor Day, fellow ronin!

I'm at home today. Slept late. Wearing my pajamas. Sitting around doing nothing. In other words, it's just like a regular day at work.

I wished.

Who else thinks it a bit ironic that we get the day off for LABOR DAY?

I mean, on Earth Day do we all load up and go to Mars? Course not.

I happen to think it's pretty goofy, but only if I ignore the little fact that union workers are getting anywhere from 2X to 3X time pay if they happen to be fortunate/unfortunate enough to be on the job on this blessed holiday. Wicked smart, those union contract negotiators.

Go America! Your conrtract with destiny is currently being renegotiated!

Rating: 2.7/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (5)
September 03, 2006
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 04:10 PM | Email This


1) (T/F) Assassins are a kind of fancy tennis shoe that Ned and Homer buy

2) What happens when you honk the horn of the car Homer designed for Powell Motors?

3) In "Bart's Dog Gets An F", what sickness does Lisa have?

4) Who did newsman Kent Brockman marry?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 1.9/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (6) | Simpsons Trivia
September 02, 2006
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 03:47 PM | Email This


1) (T/F) Classic horror movie star Boris Karloff created the craft "Egg Magic" that Marge and Lisa try to put together

2) Who runs the Springfield Post Office?

3) Homer's counterfeit Super Bowl tickets are printed on what?

4) What is the name of old hippies Seth and Munchie's dog?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.6/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (2) | Simpsons Trivia
September 01, 2006
Call for Frank Questions
Posted by Frank J. at 02:31 PM | Email This

When I get back to regular blogging next week, I'd like to take another stab at Frank Answers™. The procedure for submitting questions for Frank Answers™ has changed, though; just put them in the comments to this post.

And you better give me some good questions this time, or I swear I'm going to get some new readers.

Rating: 2.5/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (85)
Islamic Pinocchio
Posted by Laurence Simon at 02:00 PM | Email This

As if Disney's perversion of the Carlo Collodi classic wasn't bad enough.

From Turkey, the same country that keeps Adolf Hitler's Mein Kampf in their Bestseller's list, civilization is further lessened by their recent bastardization of Pinocchio and other classic Western folk tales:

The wooden puppet in Carlo Collodi's classic book that wanted to become a real boy was blessed with many interesting features and never ceased to amaze his father, but it now turns out he was also Muslim

In a new version of the book, that was released in Turkey, Pinocchio turns to his father and emotionally announces: "In the name of Allah, give me some bread." Along with dozens of other books that were included in a list recommended by the Turkish Ministry of Education, "Pinocchio" was forced to become Muslim.

Just take a look at the top ten changes they made to the classic tale:

  • Pinocchio is carved from a Jew's coffin left over from a late-night cemetery desacration party.

  • Gepetto's workshop is used for making wooden rifles for Palestinian security forces while they sell the real rifles to Hamas and Islamic Jihad.

  • The Blue Fairy wears a Blue Helmet and is pretty much useless throughout the whole story, spending her time sipping tea with Hezbollah snipers to provide them international peacekeeper human shield coverage.

  • Jiminy Cricket is now Hassan Locust, Pinocchio's symbolic outrage against Western Imperialism and support for the Zionist cause.

  • When Pinocchio lies, the fuse on his C-4 vest gets longer.

  • The Marionette Theater is really just a front for a Saudi-funded madrassa that preaches Wahhab extremism.

  • The Farmer's chicken coop that Pinocchio is forced to guard is a Qassam launching site.

  • The Cat and The Fox are Mossad agents, trying to make Pinocchio reveal the location of terrorist cells and weapons factories.

  • He's not turned into a donkey. He's turned into a camel.

  • Who's ever heard of whales in the Mediterranean? It's more likely he's swallowed up into an Israeli detention center and reunited with Gepetto the terrorist there.


Rating: 2.0/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (11)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 01:50 PM | Email This


1) According to elderly cartoonist Chester J. Lampwick, what was missing in cartoons until he came along?

2) What evil super-villain was at first thought to have shot Mr. Burns, but later released?

3) Jasper says sidewalks are for regular walking, not what?

4) After Smithers is fired in "Who Shot Mr. Burns?", what cheap scotch does he get drunk on?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.6/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (4) | Simpsons Trivia
UN: The Humane Thing To Do Is Just Let The Lunatics Kill You
Posted by spacemonkey at 10:20 AM | Email This

So, the UN says that if some lunatic is trying to kill you or me, we don't necessarliy have the right to defend ourselves with deadly force. Because the (nanny) state can't guarantee we'll do enough to preserve the right to life of the lunatic. Part of the reason is the idea that “firearms are to be used only in extreme circumstance”. Seems like using a firearm makes any circumstance more extreme.
Case in point:

-Getting the mail.

Me: {whistling} Hey! Cool, the new Popular Mechanics!
No firearm. Not extreme.

-Getting the mail

Me: {whistling} Hey! Cool, the new Popular Mechanics! Hooray [BLAM BLAM].

-Getting the mail from the postman

Me: {whistling} Hey! Cool, the new Popul...
Postman: No whistling near the mail! That's a federal offense and I'm {thumbs USPS patch on chest} a federal employee.
Me: {whist--What's with the gun?
Postman: Prepare to die. [opens fire] BLAM, BLAM].
Me: {ducks behind mailbox} Stop oppressing me you postal lunatic! [Removes holdout pistol from ankle holster and without UN approval, returns fire. [BLAM, {whistle} BLAM, {whistle}, BLAM]
Extremely extreme. Notice how much extremer it got with two guns and the armed response to attempted oppression.

Then they include this gem.

Even when firearm use does not result in death, the injuries caused by firearm shots can be paralyzing, painful, and may immobilize a person for a much longer period of time than would other methods of temporary immobilization.

OUCH, getting shot hurts! Do these buffoons realize many of the people they are ticking off happen to own these firearms capable of inflicting said injuries and lengthy immobilizations? I'm guessing, probably not.

Anyway, I might be personally concerned, if this load of crap were coming from anywhere besides the U.N.

Rating: 2.4/5 (24 votes cast)

Comments (15)
Friday Catblogging
Posted by Laurence Simon at 09:52 AM | Email This

Since it's Friday, I thought I'd spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka "I-MEOW").

I get stuck doing this because everybody else is off at the mosque, bowing over and over again on the dirty floor because Frank J. left the prayer mats in the dryer too long and they shrunk. Will he buy new ones? Of course not, the cheap bastard!

Anyway, it's time for Piper the Curious:

If you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Piper is... um...

Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.

You can find more examples of Friday catblogging by searching a blog search engine such as Technorati for "catblogging."

You can also find a roundup of catblogging posts at The Friday Ark, located at The Modulator blog.

Then, when the weekend is nearly over, head over to The Carnival of the Cats for more kitty goodness.

There's also Flickr Groups called Furry Friday and Friday Catblogging.

Anybody I miss?

Rating: 2.4/5 (29 votes cast)

Comments (11) | Friday Cat-Blogging

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