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October 31, 2006
Do NOT go into the light . . .
Posted by Frank J. at 08:23 PM | Email This


Rating: 2.3/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (15)
IMAO Exclusive: John Kerry Testifies About Troop Stupidity Before Congress
Posted by Frank J. at 06:34 PM | Email This

We have just found out that John Kerry has recently testified before Congress about alleged troop stupidity. Here's part of his statement from the transcript:

I would like to talk, representing all those veterans, and say that several months ago in Detroit, we had an investigation at which over 150 honorably discharged and many very highly decorated veterans testified to stupidity committed in the Middle East, not isolated incidents but misadventures committed on a day-to-day basis with the full awareness of officers at all levels of command.

They told the stories at times they had personally ran with scissors, put on shoes before socks, put on pants before underwear, connected positive to negative between two car batteries and then turned up the power, licked frozen telephone poles, blown their salaries on lottery tickets, drank expired milk, shouted "Shazam!" in fashion reminiscent of Jomer Pyle, set action figures on fire for fun, fed bears, and generally mooned the countryside of Iraq in addition to the normal mooning in war, and the normal and very particular mooning which is done by the applied stupidity of this country.

Rating: 2.5/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (17) | IMAO Exclusives
Who's Smarter? College Students or Soldiers Stuck in Iraq?
Posted by Harvey at 06:02 PM | Email This

You know, education, if you make the most of it, if you study hard and you do your homework, and you make an effort to be smart, uh, you, you can do well. If you don’t, you get stuck in Iraq.

~ John Kerry

Since John Kerry's job (besides being the absentee senator from Massachusetts) is to make boxes of rocks look like Stephen Hawking, I thought I should point out that he may be mistaken, as shown by these:


10) In Iraq, "fries with that" is the answer to the question "what does a soldier do with a flamethrower?".

9) Camels smell better and make more sense than anti-war protesters.

8) During any given exam, answering "empty the clip" will always get you at least partial credit.

7) Full credit for adding "...and then reload".

6) Sometimes you're actually ENCOURAGED to crash your Hummer into things.

5) MREs are tastier, cheaper, and more filling than Ramen noodles.

4) You can drink fancy bottled water without exuding that snooty and slightly effeminate Ivy-league frat-boy air.

3) Blowing s*** up gets you a medal, not double secret probation.

2) You're over 6000 miles away from John Kerry.

1) They actually PAY you to blow s*** up.

If you're aware of any other advantages, drop them in the comments.

Rating: 2.1/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (18)
IMSO Update
Posted by Frank J. at 05:26 PM | Email This

Sorry, but the debriefer post is still coming, so hold on to your codebooks. I've just been pretty busy lately, and will most likely be spending my free time finishing off the In My World™ compilation (just a little bit left to do and it's off to the presses).

Once that's over - and then the huge focus on selling that book - tons more fun activites and more podcasts and vblogs (or "flogs" as I call them).

Rating: 1.8/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (3)
War Of The Words
Posted by Laurence Simon at 03:04 PM | Email This

CNN is ready for more war coverage: "GOP, Kerry launch war of words over Iraq comment."

When Ted Turner gives Senator Kerry medals for bravery and valor in the face of rational arguments, how far do you think he'll huck 'the suckers?

Rating: 2.1/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (9)
A Message from John Kerry
Posted by RightWingDuck at 01:58 PM | Email This


**Actual Text from the recent John F. Kerry address to the students at Pasadena City College. **

Do you know me? I wrote the world famous book "Gold Digging for Dummies" and "Gold Digging for Dummies - Political Edition."

If you're in junior college, then you have a world of opportunity awaiting you. Personally, I went to an Ivy League school where I passed almost all of my classes. (I scored a 76 - Thank you very much.)

When you go vote this election day, that's a Tuesday. This coming Tuesday. No, the next one. Not today. Come back here. It's NOT TODAY you @*@*# losers, I mean... I'm happy to see you all so excited. Come Tuesday, you'll be able to vote as many times as you want.

Remember, by staying in school. you can avoid a fate worse than death: having to join the military. I hate those losers. Anyway, God Bless and remember to support our troops.

Rating: 2.0/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (20)
John Kerry: "Support the Morons Protecting Our Country!"
Posted by Frank J. at 12:54 PM | Email This

Kerry, perhaps using himself as an example, called our troops idiots:

You know, education, if you make the most of it, if you study hard and you do your homework, and you make an effort to be smart, uh, you, you can do well. If you don’t, you get stuck in Iraq.

Now, I thought perhaps this was an inept way of calling Bush dumb, saying that because Bush ain't smart, he metaphorically got stuck in Iraq. I seem to be in the minority, though, and, after seeing Kerry's non-apology, I'll give up that theory.

Michelle Malkin is running with this to try and get MSM coverage of this insult (and, maybe, an actual apology), but first we should ask ourselves "Is our troops dumb?"

Well, I'll just speak from experience from the troops I know. My mean old man is not only mean, but also kinda dull. Just like that other moron Kerry (who got even worse grades than Bush at Yale), he got sent to Vietnam. My dad was so dumb, he ended being stuck there much longer than Kerry since the only serious injury he got was from playing basketball (which they refused to give him a purple heart for).

Then there's my brother, Sgt. Joe foo' the Marine, who is a foo'. He tried to work at computers but was only good at smashing them so he joined the Marines. He got stuck in Iraq just like Kerry said would happen to dumb people. Now he's joined OCS which will only guarantee him going back to Iraq. If he were smarter, he would have known not to try to become an officer so he could stay out of Iraq.

I also had a roommate at Carnegie Mellon University who is in the Navy. I remember one time after playing a shooting game at the arcade, I tried to explain him how that game used polygons versus other games that used sprites. It was like trying to explain nuclear physics to a dog. I just gave up. Not too bright a guy.

I’m not in the military, but I’m smart. I live in Florida and barely ever get shot at. If I do get shot, Horatio Caine is nearby and will be able to find out who did it.

So, apparently our troops are dumb. Many even read IMAO, and you don't want to see the average IQ for this place. Thus, I think it's silly to get angry at Kerry's remarks. Instead, we should trick Kerry into getting stuck in Iraq. It shouldn't be too hard; he's not very smart.

Rating: 2.7/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (23)
IMAO for Kids: Guide to Halloween Fun!
Posted by Frank J. at 10:36 AM | Email This

Hey, kids! It's Halloween, one of the funnest days of the year, and Uncle Frank J. has some great Halloween tips to make this day the super funnest ever!


* You don't have to spend a lot on costumes. One great costume for kids is to wear regular clothes and go as a midget. People are afraid of midgets.

* Remember to always travel in groups. If you run into a smaller group of kids, you can then beat them up and take their candy.

* Just because someone doesn't answer the door, it doesn't mean no one is home. Make sure to break a window and toss in a Molotov cocktail. If there is anyone in there, he'll soon come out.

* You want to have a scary costume, because, when people are scared, they're more likely to do what you say and give you candy. Remember: Nothing is scarier than a gun. If you brandish a gun, you won't only get candy but also watches and jewelry. Also, using a gun you can get convenience stores to give you candy as well. EXTRA TIP: Instead of shouting "Trick or treat!" shout "Empty the registers!" for an extra surprise.

* Since you greet people with "Trick or treat!" if someone doesn't give you a treat, you must trick him or otherwise you're a liar whose word can never be trusted. Some traditional Halloween tricks are:
  -Egging the house.
  -TP'ing trees,
  -Threatening loved ones.

* While lots of people have fun on Halloween, for me it's just another long day of work followed by more work when I get home, thus the last thing I want is a bunch of kids constantly ringing my doorbell. So, stay away from my place as I have a big dog and I will have her bite you.

Have a fun, safe Halloween kids!

Rating: 2.7/5 (24 votes cast)

Comments (12)
Posted by Laurence Simon at 09:53 AM | Email This

Q: Why would President Bush tell a crowd in Sugar Land, Texas to "Bring your pencils" when that part of the state is using electronic voting machines?


Rating: 2.6/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (8)
IMAO Election '06 Ad
Posted by Frank J. at 09:00 AM | Email This

Using advance technology capable of recording both and light and sound waves, I've made my own ad for the Republicans (with the help of SarahK!) and then edited it together using advanced and seamless editing techniques.

Watch the video and marvel at the technological advancements of IMAO:

Share with everyone! It is important video that could save the Republicans and America and the world.

Rating: 2.6/5 (27 votes cast)

Comments (24)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 07:57 AM | Email This


1) According to Troy McClure, Homer was originally going to be named what?

2) What is the name of Springfield's comic book shop?

3) Where did Sideshow Bob hide at during the Springfield Air Show?

4) What does Lisa try to get everyone to eat at a barbecue, instead of meat?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 1.9/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (6) | Simpsons Trivia
October 30, 2006
IMAO Election Guide: Virginia, Tennessee, and Maryland - Races About Race
Posted by Frank J. at 01:52 PM | Email This

Since you all turn to IMAO for important news and analysis, I thought it was important that I give you a guide to competitive races in the upcoming election, summarizing the important issues at play in those campaigns. Let's take a look at some of the Senate races, which, as it is, seem to rotate around the subject of race:

Virginia: In the race between George Allen and James Webb, it will probably come down to who used the n-word in the least times and in the least offensive manner. It's a known fact that both of them hate black people, so the important thing to voters is to pick the one least likely to openly lynch someone. Also, another issue that's come up is whether putting a child's penis in your mouth is sexual or not, but that comes up once every election cycle and I wouldn't expect the matter to be solved now.

Tennessee: Bob Corker should be able to beat Harold Ford Jr. as long as he can keep reminding the public that Ford is black. As we all know, most Republicans are racists, but it seems that some of those racists are being worn over by Ford's charm and forget that he's black. Using a clever stratagem, Coker has used jungle drums to put coded messages in his ads to remind people that Ford is black, snapping his racist base out of their trance so that they shout, "Wait a minute! Ford is black! I hate black people!" Rumor has it Corker will ask for a candidate's race to be listed on the ballots to help these absent-minded racists.

Maryland: In the race between Michael Steele and Ben Cardin, Republicans face the opposite problem: They need to make an effort to keep their racist base from figuring out that Steele is black. Unfortunately, the Republicans were unable to find a qualified, non-negro to run for Senate, and thus hope was placed on Steele who tried to stick to radio ads so the Marylander Republicans wouldn't find out his blackness. The cat is out of the bag, though, and so a new strategy is being deployed. In the latest ads, it emphasizes that, while most Republicans would be uncomfortable with Steele walking behind them at night, he'll still do well in D.C. where other, paler Republicans can keep a watch on him to make sure he doesn't steal things.

Also, Michael J. Fox has caused trouble for Steele and other Republicans by appearing in ads and using voter sympathy to elect Democrats. The initial Republican response led by Rush Limbaugh was quite idiotic, but now Republicans are in a search for someone even shakier and more pathetic looking than Michael J. Fox to counter those ads as that is the only way to intelligently debate stem cell research.

Rating: 2.8/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (11)
Fox News
Posted by spacemonkey at 12:56 PM | Email This

Michael J. Fox Fires Back at Critics
Of course, he wasn't able to HIT any of them.

Do they even bother to think when they write these headlines?

Rating: 2.4/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (12)
A Religious War Would Be a Great Step Towards Ending Racism
An Editorial by Frank J.
Posted by Frank J. at 11:11 AM | Email This

 Despite many advances in race relations (even I no longer think all Mexicans are lazy), there is still a long way to go until everyone of every race are treated as equals. So, how can we begin down that path of true racial equality? I think the answer is quite obvious: A bloody religious war.

"We'll have the white man, the black man, the china man, and the wetbacks all fighting side by side against the dreaded Moslem enemy."

 Religion is a great reason for war, as its something people feel strongly about that isn't associated with just a particular race. And what religion to war against? Obviously, the Muslims... or, to get into the spirit, our "dreaded Muslim enemy" (or maybe "Moslem enemy" if that spelling looks more threatening). Those Moslems would be more than happy to have a religious war, so we shouldn't feel like we're inconveniencing them to put them in one. To get started, we just have to learn to hate all the Moslems proper, or, should I say, hate, the vile Moslems who thirst constantly for our blood (yeah, I'm liking the "Moslem" spelling).

 You're probably worrying about the death and destruction, but, remember: To make an omelet, you have to break a few eggs. Similarly, to end racial strife, we need an extremely bloody war in which millions will be killed. But focusing on the death is missing the point. In a war between Moslems and those who don't follow the evil Mohammed (or maybe "Muhammad" because I think that's more foreign-looking), who would make up the group out to destroy the blight of Islam? Why, all races, of course, as non-Moslems are of all races and most nationalities. Think of the beauty of it all when this war gets going: We'll have the white man, the black man, the china man, and the wetbacks all fighting side by side against the dreaded Moslem enemy.

 As for the Moslems we'll slaughter, it will be a diverse group as well. Dying by our figurative sword (it will actually be assault rifles and bombs) will be Arabs, Asians, blacks, and even the occasional whitey. Everyone loves to kill whitey. Since the evil Muhammad invited all to join with him and Satan, we'll have a pretty racially diverse enemy. Admittedly, it's not quite as diverse as those who don't follow the false prophet, but I think it's a good enough group to slaughter for the purposes of racial healing.

 Nothing brings people together like fighting for a common cause, and what better cause to unite all races of people together than ending the scourge of those vile, sub-human Moslems with their evil, scheming eyes? While people have held many different beliefs throughout the years, the one thing we all have in common is not being Moslem - except for those who are Moslem, and, together, we will fight them to the death. And recognizing our similarities as we send the dreaded Moslems to join Muhammad in hell will make us a people who can stand together whatever other differences we have. Now, some of you may say you'd be against a worldwide religious war because it's senseless slaughter in which millions of innocent people would die, but maybe you should look into your heart and realize the reason you’re against slaughtering Moslems is because you hate black people.

Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as "War: What Isn't It Good For?" and "Ending Racism Through Sexism".

Rating: 2.4/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (35) | Editorials
Democrats in Charge #6
Posted by Frank J. at 09:00 AM | Email This

What else will the Democrats be up to if they win the election? Read comic and find out!


Comic #5
Comic #4
Comic #3
Comic #2
Comic #1

Rating: 2.5/5 (41 votes cast)

Comments (10) | Frank the Artist
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 08:44 AM | Email This


1) (T/F) Maggie hit Homer over the head with a mallet because she was influenced by watching an Itchy & Scratchy cartoon

2) Who learned medicine at The Hollywood Upstairs Medical School?

3) Who is the waiter at the Happy Sumo Japanese restaurant?

4) What body part of carny Cooder is not real?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.2/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (6) | Simpsons Trivia
October 29, 2006
Video Sunday
Posted by Frank J. at 01:23 PM | Email This

Superstar was on CNN yesterday along with some idiot from AMERICAblog talking about the left projecting their racism into political ads. I think she did really well. She's now my second favorite ham after candied ham. Go to Townhall.com for the video.

I might be the last person to link to this, but Blackfive has a music video of Australian country singer Beccy Cole singing a song responding to those critical of her support for the Diggers (Australian soldiers). It's really good (compare and contrast with the moronically caustic Dixie Chicks), so check it out.

Also, SarahK and I were at a Halloween party last night. Our gracious hosts took a video of us singing the Johnny Cash/June Carter Cash duet "Jackson." The sound is a bit off from the video, but you can still tell that at least SarahK sang well.

Rating: 2.3/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 09:36 AM | Email This


1) (T/F) You get hit in the face with squirting water when you ring Krusty's doorbell

2) Who does Lisa describe as "The few, the proud, the geeky"?

3) What is the name of Springfield's video arcade?

4) What is Capital City's nickname?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 3.0/5 (29 votes cast)

Comments (4) | Simpsons Trivia
October 28, 2006
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 10:34 AM | Email This


1) (T/F) Bart dresses up as Batman for the "Close Encounters of the Comic Book Kind" convention

2) Bart chips in and buys a Radioactive Man comic book with who?

3) What is Miss Hoover's first name?

4) What is the name of the Olmec Indian God of War statue that Burns gives the Simpsons?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.9/5 (24 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Simpsons Trivia
October 27, 2006
Scam Alert: WLI Reservations Rewards
Posted by Frank J. at 06:09 PM | Email This

Just thought I'd alert everyone to a common internet scam since I was victim of it. Probably a number of you are or have been victims since it's connected to a large number of internet retailers. I believe it started with me when I clicked to check out an offer for ten dollars off my next purchase of 1800Flowers. Unbeknownst to me, that very act sent my credit card information to another company which then started charging me $7 a month for services I was unaware of from some company called Webloyalty. It appeared under the name "WLI Reservations Rewards" and I had been getting it for some time and was too lazy to check it out (which is how the scam works since it only charges between $7 and $10 a month hoping people won't notice and care).

Luckily, as part of the scam, they're quick to give you money back so you won't complain. It was pretty telling that the automated system for them had plenty of options for quickly canceling with them. Also, when I got a person on the line and demanded all the money back they had taken (I had not challenged these charges for over a year), the guy said, "While it is not our usual policy to refund more than one month, the credit will appear on your next credit card statement," in a way that made it sound like he had said it a thousand times before.

Still, I'm going to make sure to put in a complaint to someone. Check out all about the scam here and the list of web businesses that let these scammers operate through them (it's a big list and most likely you have done business with some of them; 1800Flowers has ended its relationship with Webloyalty, though).

It's pretty scummy, and the really annoying thing is how many internet businesses are complicit in it.

Rating: 2.0/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Mark Steyn Interview Part 2
Posted by Frank J. at 05:08 PM | Email This

Hot Air has the second part to the Mark Steyn interview up. I'm really enjoying the book America Alone as it's both funny from Steyn's writing style and also really scary because of the subject matter. Still, I'm quite skeptical of any book predicting doomsday (and, Steyn seems to be too as the book lists all the other books predicting doomsday, such as The Population Bomb, that ended up being completely wrong in its predictions), but it's quite interesting to have something saying that too few births is what is going to cause our problems versus the usual mantra (that continues to today) of overpopulation.

After I finish the book, I'll probably look up the science and math behind it myself. Of course, the main problem of any predictions about the future is you never know how science and unforeseen events will change things. Even so, it does seem pretty certain that at least Europe is doomed.


Oh well.

Also, Mary Katherine Ham has a hilarious new HamNation about all the hidden racism in ads today.

Whatever software she's using to do all those video effects, I need to get that...

Rating: 2.5/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (3)
Ceiling Cat is watching you plot against Jews...
Posted by Laurence Simon at 03:12 PM | Email This

One more gratuitous catblog...

I wonder if the Al-Quds Jerusalem Bureau of AP would run with this one?


Rating: 2.7/5 (34 votes cast)

Comments (9) | Friday Cat-Blogging
Sing Along!
Posted by Frank J. at 02:36 PM | Email This
One night in Bangkok makes a hard man humble
Not much between you and penis ectasy
One night in Bangkok and the tough guys tumble
Can't be too careful with an old story
I can feel my election prospects slipping away from me...

Seriously, even if Webb wins now, he going to be stuck with every picture of him captioned "Mmm... penis."

So, do you think the Macaca/Penis-Eater race has any hilarity left between now and November 7th?

Rating: 2.2/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (11)
One night in Bangkok...
Posted by Laurence Simon at 02:18 PM | Email This

Apparently, Virginia Senate candidate Jim Webb thinks that a man placing his four year-old son's penis in his mouth is not a sexual act:

Among the excerpts is a scene from the 2002 novel "Lost Soldiers," in which a man embraces his four-year-old son and places the boy's penis in his mouth.

Webb said the release of the excerpts was "a Karl Rove campaign tactic" and a "classic example of the way this campaign has worked. It's smear after smear."

He defended his fiction as "illuminative."

"It's not a sexual act," Webb told Plotkin regarding the "Lost Soldiers" excerpt. "I actually saw this happen in a slum in Bangkok when I was there as a journalist."

"The duty of a writer is to illuminate the surroundings," he added.

I'm just waiting for him to make a play for the Jewish vote by claiming this was an emergency circumcision.

I mean, how many rabbis could there possibly be in the slums of Bangkok?

(Or should I not ask?)

Rating: 2.4/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (11)
Double Double, International Trouble
Posted by Laurence Simon at 02:03 PM | Email This

Iran doubles it's Uranium enrichment capacity, so Bush doubles down...

"We must double our effort to work with the international community to persuade the Iranians that there is only isolation from the world if they continue working forward on such a program," Bush said in a news conference on Friday. "Whether they've doubled it [uranium enrichment capacity] or not, the idea of Iran having a nuclear weapon is unacceptable? We're working with the United Nations to send a common message."

Wait... wait... I know this one...


Rating: 2.1/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (4)
Democrats in Charge #5
Posted by Frank J. at 12:44 PM | Email This

What other indignities will we suffer if the Democrats are in charge? Read comic and find out!


Comic #4
Comic #3
Comic #2
Comic #1

Rating: 1.9/5 (36 votes cast)

Comments (16) | Frank the Artist
Jim Webb Writes Dirty Pedophile Literature
Posted by RightWingDuck at 11:19 AM | Email This

Many of you aren't familiar with the literary works of Jim Webb, Democratic Senate Candidate for Virginia.
Turns out that Jim Webb wrote some bad books which featured the phrase Monkey Face, plus used some "bad words" referring to black people, and featured father-toddler fellatio. Personally, I'm glad to see the Democrats still stand for family values.

Of course, I never want to take anything out of context, so here, without permission, is a complete reprinting of the segments in question.

From the book: Daddy's Little Boy is All Grown Up

Jim was a war veteran and glad to be back on this sunny tropic beach. As he walked along looking at the water, he thought to himself, 'Could it be possible one day that the ocean levels would rise because of man's insane desire to create more and more biodiesel fuels, leading to a greenhouse effect that would raise the levels of the ocean sea?" Then off in the distance he saw his young son running toward him. The boy was 4 maybe 5 years old, depending on the state's age of consent. As they hugged, he took off his son's pants, as oddly enough, really bad chickawomp womp guitar music played in the background.


From the non racist Jim Webb (D) book: Johnny and the Jigaboo

Johnny looked at her and her monkey face. Did he say monkey? that would be insulting as nobody in their right mind could think that people descended from monkeys or anything. What he meant to think was that she was more like a macaca - a species or genus of monkey, he wasn't sure but didn't feel like looking it up as that would cause more work and ruin the tender moment.

He looked at her, "I'll have to leave this exotic bar area and go find a knife to use to cut up this banana."

She put down her peanuts and looked at him seductively. "I have a better way of slicing a banana." She then put it down beneath the table where it couldn't be seen by Johnny or anyone reading this under the age of 13. "Here," she said. And gave him back his banana in four slices.

"Wow. That was great. Now slice THIS!." He handed her a cantaloupe.


From the Women Respecting book by Jim Webb called "Shake your ass back to that kitchen."

Margaret was tired of all her hard work. "I cook and cook for you and you never eat anything. All you do is sit there and look at those young boys on the beach frolicking."

I worry about them. I worry about them and having older men send them flirty messages which might corrupt those young kids. Anyway, why should you have an opinion? You're just a woman. In this day and age, women don't have the same rights as men. They never will. Now wiggle your butt to the living room and turn on some Monday Night Football."

She walked away angry and upset, her gigantic, glistening bosoms heaving from anger.


Dear IMAO readers, this is obviously a plot by Karl Rove and it will soon be exposed as such. I think it's shameful that the Republicans are resorting to quoting from books written by Mr. Webb when they were very obviously written for the general public and not meant for conservative consumption. I'm not sure, but it's safe to guess that we are somehow violating Mr. Webb's (and the American public's) privacy.

You should all be ashamed of yourselves.

Rating: 2.4/5 (24 votes cast)

Comments (19)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 11:02 AM | Email This


1) Who has the largest collection of Malibu Stacy dolls?

2) In "Marge in Chains", what product is a tanning lotion and a laxative in one?

3) In "Krusty Gets Cancelled", who makes a 19th century carousel out of balloons?

4) Who are Eastern Europe's favorite cat and mouse team?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.4/5 (24 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Simpsons Trivia
Friday Catblogging
Posted by Laurence Simon at 09:08 AM | Email This

Since it's Friday, I thought I'd spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka "I-MEOW").

Now when I say "humor-free" I don't mean this post was devoid of humor to begin with. At first, it was robust with humor. But in a process similar to what a coffee bean goes through to end up decaffeinated, this post went from humor-filled to humor-free and likely absorbed a few carcinogens that FrankJ doesn't want to talk about.

Anyway, it's time for Nardo the Evil and Frisky the Scaredr:

If you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Nardo and Frisky are... um...

Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.

You can find more examples of Friday catblogging by searching a blog search engine such as Technorati for "catblogging."

You can also find a roundup of catblogging posts at The Friday Ark, located at The Modulator blog.

Then, when the weekend is nearly over, head over to The Carnival of the Cats for more kitty goodness.

There's also Flickr Groups called Furry Friday and Friday Catblogging.

Anybody I miss?

Rating: 2.4/5 (26 votes cast)

Comments (4) | Friday Cat-Blogging
October 26, 2006
The Nutroots Are Resorting to Bombing!
Posted by Frank J. at 06:31 PM | Email This

I heard the nutroots are trying to use Google-bombing to influence the election, which I think is stupid and gay and perhaps even a bigger waste of time than an internet petition. Still, it's apparently made national news (there's a link to the story in the MSNBC ad on my sidebar right now). John Hawkins is trying to counter it with his own set of links for bloggers to post (seen here), but I dunno. I don't think anyone is going to make a voting decision based on the first hit from a Google search.

What do you think?

Rating: 2.2/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (18)
The Religion of Perverts?
Posted by Frank J. at 02:45 PM | Email This

Allahpundit has been posting some interesting statements from Muslim leaders. This one comes from the senior-most Islamic cleric in Australia complaining about 65 year sentences for rapists:

“If you take out uncovered meat and place it outside on the street, or in the garden or in the park, or in the backyard without a cover, and the cats come and eat it … whose fault is it, the cats or the uncovered meat?

“The uncovered meat is the problem.”

The sheik then said: “If she was in her room, in her home, in her hijab, no problem would have occurred.”

Question: If this freak is sent to prison and raped, would it be his fault for not wearing a hijab?

Speaking of gay sex, here's a gem AP found from a Muslim imam in the UK:

Arshad Misbahi of the Manchester Central Mosque confirmed his views in a conversation to John Casson, a local psychotherapist.

Casson said: “I asked him if the execution of gay Muslims in Iran and Iraq was an acceptable punishment in Sharia law, or the result of culture, not religion.

“He told me that in a true Islamic state, such punishments were part of Islam: If the person had had a trial, at which four witnesses testified that they had seen the actual homosexual acts.”

“I asked him what would be the British Muslim view? He repeated that in an Islamic state these punishments were justified. They might result in the deaths of thousands but if this deterred millions from having sex, and spreading disease, then it was worthwhile to protect the wider community.”

Question: According to the Koran, you need four male witnesses of the homosexual act to convict a man for it. So, what do you call four guys standing around watching a homosexual act?

I don't think it's "straight".


The Australian sheik has apologized for comparing women to meat. He was just trying "to protect women's honor", because you know how much these types of Muslims respect women.

Rating: 2.1/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (36)
Spasmodic Dysphonia
Posted by Frank J. at 02:06 PM | Email This

I had missed reading that Scott Adams, the creator of Dilbert, had lost his ability to talk.

That is, he lost his ability for conversational speaking, while still able to do public speaking and able to sing (and able to talk normally if no one is around).

Yeah, the brain is weird.

Apparently, Spasmodic Dysphonia has no cure, but Scott Adams seemed to have found a work around for it. It's a pretty interesting story.

BTW, here's a pretty funny post of his about the concept of a war for oil. Also, here's a funny follow up to his recovery.

“Are you even listening to me? I said my boat is way too old!!!”

Rating: 2.6/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Posted by Frank J. at 01:11 PM | Email This

Scared yet, Mexicans? Yeah, that's right! George W. Bush signed a bill to build a 700 mile fence along our southern border. So, if you try and get into America, there will be a one in three chance you'll encounter... A FENCE!

Do you think you can climb a fence? I don't think you can. Looks like you'll have to hike miles to get around the fence.


By the time you get in America, you'll be tired. That's right; sneaking into America will be quite tiresome now.

So, take that, Mexican! We now have a fence!

...or we soon will... when funding gets approved...

Rating: 2.3/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (20)
It's An Even Numbered Season - Time for Middle Eastern Terrorists!
Posted by Frank J. at 12:27 PM | Email This

If you haven't seen the trailer (it's not a promo; it's a trailer!) for the upcoming season of 24, you can catch it here. Apparently, this sixth season will conform to what I will now call the "Even Season Rule" for 24.

Rating: 2.6/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Screw That Lemonade Stand...
Posted by RightWingDuck at 11:15 AM | Email This

pole kit.jpg

Real Story is right Here.


While I'm at it, this deserves a top 10.

Top 10 Reasons Pole Dancing Might Not Be a Good Idea for Little Girls At Home.

10. Some laws are very strict regarding the pasties and tassles.

9. Bedroom too small to host a bachelor party.

8. Newspaper boy keeps asking about a VIP room

7. Instant Messages from the GOP asking you if you have a brother

6. Big Decision: Should you have a two drink minimum?

5. No matter what, can't convince yourself to dance to Sexyback.

4. Embarrassing tan lines from the Hello Kitty Pull Ups.

3. Some clients still insist on pulling your braids and calling you names

2. Half your clientele tip you in quarters

And the number One Reason Pole Dancing Might Not Be a Good Idea for Little Girls At Home

1. That awkward moment when the newest customer turns out to be your elementary school prinicipal.

Rating: 2.7/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (15)
When the Dog Whistle Blows, Who's Barking?
Posted by Frank J. at 10:16 AM | Email This

The nutroots are up in arms about the blatant racism in Bob Corker's ads.

Or, I guess, they're up in arms about the subtly implied racism in Bob Corker's ads that only they are smart enough to spot.

You see, there's this TV ad which seems like a regular attack ad against a liberal Democrat, but actually contains the hidden message "Harold Ford Jr. is a black man out to steal your white women!"

Then there is this radio ad that sounds like a regular contrasting ad to most people that plays good music when mentioning the Republican Corker but ominous music when mentioning the Democrat Ford, but it's actually playing "jungle drums" when mentioning Ford implying that he's a black jungleman (or, if you add the main message to the implied message, it's implying that Ford is an elitist jungleman).

I know a bit of you are confused because you didn't see any racism in these ads, and that's why the racism hidden in these ads are referred to by the nutroots as dog whistles. A dog whistle is at such a high frequency that only a dog can hear it, and these racist messages are so subtle that only racists will pick up on them. Apparently, Tennessee is full of forgetful racists who hate black people but keep forgetting that Ford is black. Thus the Republicans put hidden racist messages in these ads that only the racists will pick up on and remind them that Ford is black so they shouldn't vote for him (because they hate black people).

Does it work? I dunno. Maybe some of my racist readers could tell me whether their reactions to those ads were, "Oh yeah! Ford is black! I shouldn't vote for him!"

There's something odd going on, though. When a dog whistle blows, only dogs hear it and start barking. When someone "blows a racist whistle" only the racists should hear it and start making noise. But, when each of these ads first appeared, the only barking I heard was from the nutroots. Here's a DailyKos Recommended Diary from right after the TV ad appeared where lots of Kos Kids seem to spot the obvious racism that all the rest of us missed. And here's a front page story from the DailyKos about the radio ad where they hear the obvious jungle drums that everyone else never heard.

Now, in the comments, a number of KosKids seem confused because they don't see the racism, and they're told that's because they're not able to hear the dog whistle. Which begs the question: How come everyone else in nutrootsville is tuned into a message only meant for racists?

Should I go ahead and apply Occam's Razor, or have you already done it yourself?

Obviously, the majority of the nutroots really hate and fear black people. You see an ad about a politician being involved with a Playboy Bunny, and you think "That's not a moral man!" (or "Wow! Cool!"). The nutroots see the same ad and instantly think, "What!? A black man and a white woman! That's an outrage!" They then say that's what Republicans think through a psychological phenomenon known as "projection." Similarly, while you hear normal ominous music in a negative ad, the nutroots, knowing and fearing that Ford is black, think "jungle drums" since they obviously think all black people are basically spear-chucking primitives in the jungle. Again, they use projection to say that's actually the view of Republicans since they can't come to grips with their own horrible racism.

Now you can see how sinister these ads are. They were a calculated effort to stir up racism… but not in Republicans. Racist Republicans were never going to support Ford anyway. Instead, these ads were to trigger the racism in the huge number of racist liberals. And, it's working. Kos himself is now distancing himself from Rep. Ford. He says it's because Ford is against the New Jersey ruling about gay marriage, but notice how this distancing from Ford directly follows the airing of these ads that reminded the nutroots that Ford is black. Thus, Kos is waning in support for Harold Ford Jr. because he, like most of the nutroots, hates black people.

Insidious. I condemn the Republicans for these racist, effective ads.

Rating: 2.3/5 (30 votes cast)

Comments (32)
Democrats in Charge #4
Posted by Frank J. at 08:37 AM | Email This

What else will those wacky Democrats do if they get in charge? Read comic and find out!


Comic #3
Comic #2
Comic #1

Rating: 2.6/5 (61 votes cast)

Comments (11) | Frank the Artist
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 07:52 AM | Email This


1) What personal possession does Bart feel brings him good luck?

2) What kind of factory is next door to where the Krusty the Clown show is taped?

3) What is the name of the studio where Krusty's show is taped?

4) Where did Milhouse's dad work before he was fired?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.6/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (7)
October 25, 2006
$25 Million
Posted by Laurence Simon at 11:12 PM | Email This

The world's wealthiest Jew is donating $25 million to the Holocaust foundation at Yad Vashem and the New Holocaust History Museum?

Wait... New Holocaust History Museum? Is this some sort of New Holocaust going or, or is it some kind of New History going on?

Anyway, here's hoping the money goes towards some desperately-needed improvements there. I mean, not only does the rollercoaster ride there use cheap-ass old wooden boxcars instead of cool high-tech cars that go upside down and stuff, but it's always broken.


Rating: 2.3/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (4)
Yay! A Funny, Positive Ad!
Posted by Frank J. at 08:01 PM | Email This

I had pretty much the same reaction when Hillary Clinton was mentioned...

Rating: 2.2/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (9)
To Win This War, We Need to Make Babies!
Posted by Frank J. at 06:36 PM | Email This

At least that's the message I've gotten so far from what I've read in Mark Steyn's new book America Alone. Radical Islam is taking over Europe without firing a shot, and we need to get to our beds and do our duty to make sure that doesn't happen in America.

HotAir has part one of an interview with Steyn posted here.

Rating: 2.5/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (24)
The Muslim Quiz
Posted by RightWingDuck at 05:08 PM | Email This

Charles over at Little Green Footballs has some interesting results from a survey given to visitors at the Islamic Society of North America.

Surveys are excellent ways to take the temperature of a community to see just how they feel.

The results tend to blame America. Can you believe that?

Here are some other quiz questions. Feel free to take them and see how YOU compare.

What are these youths doing?


1. Setting a car on fire and watching it burn
2. Witnessing French Automotive Engineering
3. Watching a horrible accident and hoping they can save any trapped Jews.


Where would something like this happen?


1. Anywhere in the Middle East
2. The Headquarters for Air America
3. These are not true, peaceful Muslims.

Tell me what you are seeing?


1. The inside of a mosque
2. A weapons armory
3. Dick Cheney's house


What is this young man doing?


1. Kicking someone while they squirm in pain.
2. Taking a closer look to give aid.
3. Dancing to lift the fallen man's spirits

What does this picture represent?


1. Free speech
2. A deliberate insult to Islam
3. How dare you show me this picture, you dog! I'll kill you!!!!

What are these young people looking at?


1. French Police
2. The New York Yankees
3. President Bush


Whom do you blame for the following picture?


1. Crazed Islamist Extremists
2. Drunken Pilots
3. Jews and the NeoCon conspiracy.


Grading system. Each time you answer 1 it is worth 1 point. Each 2 answer is worth 3 points. Each 3 anwer is worth 5 points.

7-10 points: You are solidly grounded in the real world. Please consider any career in a field offering ample opportunity.

11-22 points: Maybe you should try reading a book and laying off the drugs. You might consider a career stumping for Lyndon Larouche.

22- 35 points: You are a Muslim sympathizer. You might consider a career as a Democratic Politician or a Suidice Bomber.


Well, how did you do?

Rating: 2.6/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (16)
Posted by Frank J. at 04:38 PM | Email This

The New Jersey judiciary has ruled that gay marriage has to be allowed no matter what the citizens of Jersey think, but whether it's called "marriage" or not is left to the democratic process.

So what should it be called? Tell me your ideas in the comments!

And try and keep it PG...

Rating: 2.5/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (47)
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 03:37 PM | Email This

If the Democrats win the House in November, what will be their first order of business?


Rating: 2.3/5 (25 votes cast)

Comments (7) | Fun Trivia
An Awesome Music Video for Firefly and Country Music Fans
Posted by Frank J. at 02:02 PM | Email This

If you're going through hell...

Rating: 2.5/5 (25 votes cast)

Comments (7)
A Paid Advertisement from Harold Ford, Jr.
Posted by RightWingDuck at 01:12 PM | Email This



Official statement of support.

Mr. Ford recently was attacked in a political ad.In this ad it was claimed that he received money from porn producers and partied at the Playboy mansion. It's one thing to take money from porn producers (screwing is good) and to advocate higher taxes (screwing is good), but it's another thing to say he may have flirted with a white woman.

So i'd like to offer my support to Mr. Ford. a Beige-But-We-Think-He-Might-Be-African-American. We think he might be black because he seems to not like white men. So at this point, we are sure that he's either black or Lesbian.

You go, Mr. Ford!!

Rating: 2.2/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (12)
The Frank J. Plan for the War on Terror
Posted by Frank J. at 12:18 PM | Email This

Yesterday, I showed you the Democrats' plan for the War on Terror. While it was quite an interesting plan, I have a better idea. As you know, I've read one whole book on Islam, and thus I'm now an expert on the mind of an Islamic terrorist. So I have applied my knowledge to come up with an innovative way to end terrorism.


Q. So, Frank J., what's your plan for the War on Terror?

A. I'm glad you asked that. My plan is much more subtle and nuanced than most others. First, we nuke Mecca. Next...

Q. WHAT?! Are you...

A. Whoa! Calm down there. I know your concern, but we'll still have a very sizeable nuclear arsenal even after this expenditure.

Q. That wasn't my concern! It's that...

A. Yes, Saudi Arabia probably won't approve a fly-over for this operation, which is why we'll use cruise missiles.

Q. Ahhh! The innocent lives! Aren't you...

A. Innocent lives will be lost any time you use nuclear weapons against a city, so I don't see how that's a special concern here.

Q. But... Won't... GAH!

A. Of course, this is only the first part of the plan. The second part is to build a 500-foot statue of Porky Pig on the ashes of Mecca. Next...

Q. Are you insane! Don't you even...

A. Yes, it will cost a decent amount in tax money, but the government should allow the statue's construction to be bid on unless there is a compelling reason to sole source it to Halliburton.

Q. I can't even put together the words to...

A. Here's where the plan gets interesting. The Koran says that Muslims are supposed to pray five times a day towards Mecca. The Koran always says that pigs are unclean and that idolatry is evil. Thus, Muslims can either pray to a giant pig idol which goes against the Koran, or they can choose not to pray towards Mecca which also goes against the Koran. Either way, they'll be going against at least a part of the Koran.

Q. You're a freak. Just stop talking now and...

A. So, while the radical Muslims are pondering this paradox and realizing they have to disobey at least one part of the Koran, we can come up to them and say, "Hey, since you're now not following all of the Koran anymore, why don't you also not obey the 'kill the infidels' part. It's just extra work, anyway." They'll nod in agreement, and there will be peace in the Middle East.

Q. You need help.

A. I need everyone's help. Write the President and your Congressmen to hire me for consultation on their plans for the Middle East. Peace is possible, but only if we use our heads rather than our guns.

Rating: 2.4/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (23)
Puppies Love Hugs!
Posted by Frank J. at 11:10 AM | Email This

I have the sweetest puppy:

She's getting along better with the cats, too.


If Glenn Reynolds is reading this, I mean "sweet" as in my dog is very loving and affectionate. It was not commentary on how she tastes.

Rating: 2.2/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (21)
We're All Crackers Now.
Posted by spacemonkey at 09:53 AM | Email This


Notice the many colors represented in the crackers.

Notice as well the little star, which can represent other things. Use your imagination.

Also notice how the letters in the IMAO crackers are all bilaterally symmetric, just like humans.

Rating: 2.3/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Is Harold Ford Jr. Black?
Posted by Frank J. at 09:34 AM | Email This

As I posted before, people are making a fuss about a commercial because it's implying that Harold Ford Jr., who people say is black, dates white women. This would especially upset Ford's father (who, according to the fairly-reliable Wikipedia, is also supposed to be black) since he hates crackers.

Some are saying there is a cynical ploy to get people to vote against Ford because of racist fears of blacks stealing all the white women, and the nutroots are freaking out over it (it's like they only have two speeds: "ignore" and "FREAK OUT!"). There's a problem with this narrative, though: Do we actually have any proof that Harold Ford Jr. is black?

Now, I have seen him on political talk shows for a long time, but the first I ever heard about him supposedly being black was when he was positioning himself for minority leader and it was mentioned he'd be the first ever "African-American" to hold that position, and I was like, "Do they mean like how Charlize Theron is an 'African-American'?" I honestly thought the guy was Italian.

I had forgotten about that until this Senate race where suddenly his supposed race is an issue again, and I think now it's time for someone to call him on it.

"Congressman, I serve with black people. I know black people. Black people are friends of mine. Congressman, you're no black person."

Maybe it's just me, but all the black people I know never had to tell me they were black. Maybe some think they're white, though, and it never came up, but I doubt it.

You see, race is a superficial thing; you are what you look like. If you look Asian, you're Asian, even if you have a parent who is white. If you look black, you're black, even if you have a parent who is Asian (like Tiger Woods). And if you look white, you're white, no matter what your supposed ancestry is. The whole racial problem is people being judged a certain way because of the color of their skin, so you actually have to have that skin color. If no one can tell you're black from looking at you, then you aren't going to be discriminated for being "black". You can't just claim blackness; you actually have to look black. Thus, we come to Harold Ford Jr., and he just doesn't pass the one and only criteria of the black test: being black. Remember that Seinfeld where Elaine had a boyfriend she wasn't sure if he was black or not? That was a tougher call than Harold Ford. Let's just go ahead and say it: Rep. Ford is not black.

Is it racist for me to say someone isn't black? No, that would only be racist if a black person said it (like when certain blacks say conservative blacks aren't black for holding viewpoints deemed not to be allowed for a race; that's extremely racist). I'm white, though - actually, I'm so white I'm probably an authority on the subject. Thus, it is quite proper for me to look at another person and observe him also being white. That's what I'm doing with Harold Ford Jr. He's white.

Thus let's end all this nonsense racial controversy... unless someone calls Rep. Ford a honky.

Rating: 2.1/5 (25 votes cast)

Comments (22)
Just Because You're Twitching, That Doesn't Give You a Right to Lie and Distort the Facts
Posted by Frank J. at 09:16 AM | Email This

I finally saw that Michael J. Fox ad, and it was quite disturbing.

Is Missouri really pronounced that way?

Anyway, if you can't even mention embryonic stem cell research, then you must not believe in it that much.

Rating: 1.9/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (24)
Gay Reynolds?
Posted by Frank J. at 09:03 AM | Email This

Glenn Reynolds wrote this:

Meanwhile, reader Phil Connors has lots of unpleasant things to say, and also thinks he's "outing" me:
Is "Helen" an ironic nickname for some guy named Allen?

No, I like football and girls. But somebody could do something with that idea. Take it away, Frank J.!

I'm sorry to disappoint, but I have no evidence that Glenn Reynolds is gay. While it is a well known fact that Glenn Reynolds murders hobos, it has hardly ever been suggested that he has sex with them first (or afterwards). Also, while puppy smoothies are a well known aphrodisiac in the gay community, it's not as solid an indicator of gayness as seeing a guy drink Fresca.

I'd say there's at least a 48% chance that Glenn Reynolds isn't gay, which is good enough to put this rumor to rest.

Rating: 2.0/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (18)
Democrats in Charge Comic #3
Posted by Frank J. at 08:37 AM | Email This

How will those stupid, effete Democrats further destroy America if they are in charge? Read comic and find out!


Comic #2
Comic #1

Rating: 2.2/5 (53 votes cast)

Comments (10) | Frank the Artist
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 07:09 AM | Email This


1) What does Krusty's dad do for a living?

2) What famous singer helps get Bart out of the well?

3) In "The Otto Show", whose concert does Bart attend?

4) Whose concert does Homer sneak backstage during, pretending to be the potato man?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.5/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (4) | Simpsons Trivia
October 24, 2006
Fun Facts About Oklahoma
Posted by Harvey at 05:02 PM | Email This

While the IMAO podcast HAS returned in sporadic fashion, I'm still going to keep posting the latest uncut Fun Facts About The 50 States - hopefully on a weekly schedule. Figure by the time it shows up in a podcast, you'll have forgotten all the jokes anyway.

(continued in extended entry)


Rating: 3.1/5 (45 votes cast)

Comments (9) | Fun Trivia
Let He Who Hasn't Taken Money from Porn Movie Producers Cast the First Stone
Posted by Frank J. at 01:18 PM | Email This

This has to be the best political ad I've seen this season:

It's so good, Democrats are claiming it's racist.

Incidentally, I had seen Ford on TV quite a bit and had no idea he was black until I one day read it in a news story back when he was positioning himself for Minority Leader. Before, I just thought he was Italian.


I can't believe how many people I'm seeing saying this ad is going to exploit people's fear of a black man dating white women. Is that a fear in Tennessee? I am just naive not to see that?

Rating: 1.9/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (18)
Democrats' War on Terror Strategy FAQ
Posted by Frank J. at 11:40 AM | Email This

Many people have wondered whether the Democrats have a strategy for dealing with terrorists. In fact, they do, and we here at IMAO have obtained this FAQ which details out this new and inventive strategy:


Q. What is the Democrats' strategy for the War on Terror... I mean, other than raising the minimum wage and other gay things?

A. I'm glad you asked that. Ours is a spectacular strategy designed to strike fear into the hearts of our enemies. Imagine you're a terrorist in Iraq, angry at the world because of the lack of concern of climate change, and you head out to attack the American forces. When you reach their camp, though, you find... nothing!

Q. What? Where did the Americans go?

A. Yes, that's exactly what the terrorist will ask himself. "There were supposed to be Americans here!" he'll say. "But now there is no one! It's like something out of the Twighlight Zone!"

Q. Do they even have Twlighlight Zone reruns in the Middle East?

A. You're missing the point! Think of how devastating it will be to our enemies when they see how we can just disappear at will. They'll fear us like gods!

Q. I dunno. This sounds a lot like a "cut and run" strategy.

A. But it's not! It's a "Ninja Magic" strategy! You know how ninjas can suddenly throw down a smoke bomb and then just vanish? That's what the American military will be like! They'll be just like ninjas, and everyone is scared of ninjas.

Q. Chuck Norris isn't.

A. Yes, but, in Islamic culture, there is no equivalent of Chuck Norris. They will be defenseless to our ninja ability to suddenly disappear!

Q. I thought the reason people fear ninjas is more due to how ninjas fight with swords and kung fu and throwing stars?

A. We're not emulating those aspects of the ninja. The ability of a ninja to magically disappear is much more difficult and impressive, anyway.

Q. I still don't see how this is going to scare away terrorists. How will this stop them from attacking us on American soil?

A. If we can disappear in foreign countries so quickly, won't we be able to disappear even more easily on our home turf? The terrorists will fear that, if they come to America to attack a city, it will be completely empty as soon as they get here. It will totally freak them out!

Q. We're going to run away...

A. Magically disappear like ninjas.

Q. We're going to "magically dissappear like ninjas" from our own homes if the terrorists attack?

A. It will take the support of the American people to intimidate the terrorists like this. Everyone will need to keep a suitcase packed.

Q. When the terrorists see us "disappear" every time they attack, won't they consider that a victory over us?

A. That's ridiculous! When a magician disappears at a magic show, do you think you won a "victory" over him? Of course not. That's stupid. You're stupid for suggesting it.

Q. Still, shouldn't a strategy for dealing with terrorists involve like... you know... shooting at them or something?

A. That was the old strategy. The old strategy has failed. The Democrats want to win, so we're not going to use old methods that fail. Instead, we're going to use our Ninja Magic strategy that is new and proven by logic to work. If you want to continue failing like a fool, vote Republican. If you want to disappear like a ninja, vote Democratic.

Rating: 2.3/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (26)
Posted by Laurence Simon at 11:11 AM | Email This

Another case of bad intelligence in Iraq:

U.S. troops killed four Iraqi firefighters in a case of mistaken identity after a report that a firetruck had been hijacked, the military said on Tuesday.

Shouldn't that be Friendly Firemen?

Rating: 2.1/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Another Instapundit Poll...
Posted by Frank J. at 10:48 AM | Email This

...but he's lacking what would be my guess: I will win both houses due to a massive write in campaign.

Special interests, you better start bribing me now before my price shoots up.

Rating: 2.5/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Democrats in Charge Comic #2
Posted by Frank J. at 09:04 AM | Email This

What else can we expect when the Democrats are in charge? Read the comic to find out!


Comic #1

Rating: 2.1/5 (43 votes cast)

Comments (12) | Frank the Artist
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 08:10 AM | Email This


1) Chief Wiggum's two right-hand officers are who?

2) When Bart sends Mrs. Krabappel a love letter, he includes a picture of who?

3) What is the name of Nelson's soapbox racer?

4) Millicent is Lisa's riding instructor at what equestrian establishment?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.4/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (6) | Simpsons Trivia
October 23, 2006
Posted by Frank J. at 10:40 PM | Email This

Anyone else watching Heroes? After I saw the first episode, I was like "Meh", but found enough interesting parts to want to see where it was going. But it's been getting better each episode to the point it's my most anticipated show each week (other than BSG). I wonder how much longer they can keep up the momentum; I have no idea where it's going, but it seems like it's going somewhere (unlike Lost).


BTW, what do you think Nikki's power is? So far, it just seems like multiple personality disorder, which isn't really a super power. I assume there is more to it, and am interested to see what that is.

Also, I'm thinking her son is going to be important...

Rating: 2.6/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (24)
All Dogs Are Conservatives
Posted by Frank J. at 09:21 PM | Email This

ThoseShirts.com now offers shirts for dogs. This one is my favorite:

Also, the IMAO polo shirt will be in limited quantities, so if you plan on getting one, don't wait too long to place an order.

Rating: 1.9/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (3)
Quit wasting your time with this Malawi Adoption garbage!
Posted by Laurence Simon at 08:10 PM | Email This

I'd like to take a moment to condemn the American Mass Media for wasting so much time and effort on covering all this garbage surrounding celebrities in African countries adopting babies, and then every legal twist and turn that comes up when some party or another opens their yap to a camera.

FrankJ and SarahK are not adopting a baby from Malawi, Botswana, Limbobo, or whatever the heck the countries are named there this week.

They are merely visiting the sweatshops in which the "Nuke The Moon" T-shirts are being produced, trying to come up with ways of increasing production and reducing inefficiencies while maximizing profits.

Any small dark children FrankJ and SarahK might have been photographed with in the airport are not the targets of adoption, but research samples for possible experiments in labor-saving automation systems.

Hopefully this will stop the rumors in their tracks and we can get back to more important matters.

Rating: 1.9/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (8)
The Smartest Reader Ever Ever!
Posted by Frank J. at 07:00 PM | Email This

Wow! Glenn Reynolds has the smartest reader. Just look at the quote from a reader after the poll in this post.

I wish I had smart readers.

BTW, I'd gladly run all of Congress, but I'd also have to be paid all the salaries. And, just because I'd have a 100% of the vote in the Senate (unless I tied with myself and needed Cheney to break the tie), that doesn't mean I'd always vote for cloture on issues since I like to hear myself talk.

I mean I really like it. Fair warning.


I'm now "...the true libertarian alternative...". That's like byline worthy.

Though I'm not sure what it means.

Rating: 2.3/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (14)
Meet America's Hottest New Group
Posted by RightWingDuck at 06:58 PM | Email This


Alberto Fernandez, the American Diplomat who called America Arrogant and Stupid, along with Canada's favorite country music group have teamed up to create a special album full of music that makes the Democrats sing.

This new album - Alberto & Los Dixie Chicas - features wonderful titles such as...


Osama, Take Me Away


I left my heart in the Palestinian Territories


Achey Breaky American Foreign Policy


It's a White Trash Wedding Reception and Tailgate Party


*I've got a Nascar Licensed Veil and I Aint Afraid to Wear It


The Mexican-Eat-My-Hat Dance


September 11th Taught Me The Meaning Of Peace


Closed In Spaces Can Be Considered Torture (The Oh No Song)


Bush Is Dead, Merry Christmass Ho Ho Ho Down.


There you have it, IMAO readers. Make sure you visit the people at I-tunes or your local retailer for a copy of the music that makes the lefties sing.

Rating: 1.8/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Following the Example of Muhammad
Posted by Frank J. at 04:55 PM | Email This

I finished reading Robert Spencer's The Truth About Muhammad: Founder of the World's Most Intolerant Religion over the weekend, which says a lot since I barely ever read anything anymore. First off, everyone buy and read this book. It’s basically a condensed biography of Mohammed written using only widely regarded Islamic sources. That doesn't mean it's necessarily the most accurate portrait of Mohammed, but it is how must Muslims perceive him which is what's important. Mohammed is supposed to be the example all other Muslims are supposed to follow, and with Mohammed you have plenty of beheadings, torture, taking prisoners for ransom, killing people who insulted him, and lots of other lovely things. Sure, that's just the negative parts of Mohammed's character, but that's still the example many Muslims follow today.

This book gave me a window into the mind of a jihadist and where the justifications for his actions come from, which is why I guess I was so glued to it (except when I got some comics in the mail and then when I had the flu). Also, it gave me a great perspective into why many jihadists think they will win and why they think absolutely anything is permissible if it advances the goal of spreading Islam. I highly recommend this book as this subject should concern everyone. Do be ig’nant, people; you have to understand the nature of the problem before you can deal with it.

The book inspired me to research more into Islam (I certainly can’t take everything he gives me at face value without at least seeing the Muslim response), but I've found research difficult at times since there seems to be so many different spellings for every name. Still, there is a lot in the book I would like to discuss, so I'll probably do short discussion topics on this blog in the future (there won’t be homework, but there will be a quiz at the end where, if you fail, you die!).

Next book for me is Mark Steyn's America Alone: The End of the World as We Know It. I've always heard lots of people talk about how great Mark Steyn is, but I hadn't actually read him before. From the intro, he has a very entertaining writing style. And why shouldn't a book about how radical Muslims are going to take over the world be funny?

I’m starting to like getting free books.

Rating: 1.9/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (16)
In My World: Nuclear Dong Part III
Posted by Frank J. at 01:14 PM | Email This

Part 1
Part 2

* * * *

Condoleezza Rice and Dick Cheney sat around a table in the White House. "While President Bush is gone, what do you want to do?"

Cheney shrugged.

Condi thought for a moment. "Want to declare martial law?"

"Yeah... I guess that's a way to kill the weekend."

* * * *

"The desert is hot," President Bush complained as he and his group hiked across the dunes.

"Then maybe you should take off that winter jacket," Laura said.

"But then I'd have to carry it, and that would be just be annoying!"

"We love these red shirts you got us!" Bill the intern exclaimed.

"Yay! Hiking through the desert is fun!" Jill the intern said and did a cartwheel.

"You have your fun," Bush said to himself, "as it will only make your deaths all the more tragic."

Laura slapped him on the back of the head. "Stop waiting for the interns to die!"

Buck the Marine took off a boot and emptied sand from it. "You know, this would be a lot easier if you hadn't given our Humvee to those monkeys."

"Hey! They were honest looking!" Bush yelled. "I was sure they were going to bring it back! I bet it means were close, though, if they're using psych-ops to try and stop us. What do you think, Bolton?"

John Bolton stood still and let the wind blow through his powerful mustache. He then pointed to the south. "My 'stache senses evil in that direction."

Bush charged forward. "Onward to evil!"

Eventually, they came upon a cave in the side of a mountain. Inside, they soon found a dead terrorist on the ground. Bush knelt down and inspected the body. "He was shot in the head... and, from the bullet trajectory, he must have been shot by someone small - like a monkey!" He looked around some more and found banana peels. He took out a pen and picked one up with it. "The terrorist must have then appeased the monkeys with bananas and went on with the sale. It would seem they're all gone, but perhaps that's what they wanted us to think before..." He turned to face Bill and Jill. "...THEY SPRING THEIR TRAP!"

"What trap?" Bill asked.

"This is like C.S.I.! Let's check the body for gunshot residue! Yay!" Jill exclaimed.

Bush snapped his fingers. "I was so sure they were going to get it now. They really need to die soon so this situation seems more serious."

"If it helped, I could kill that monkey." Buck pointed to a fat little monkey that was asleep in the corner.

Bush ran over, grabbed the monkey, and started shaking him. "Tell me where the nuke is, you fat little monkey!"

The monkey screeched and furiously flailed its claws.

"Stop shaking that monkey, George!" Laura yelled.

"Fine." Bush set the monkey on a nearby table. The monkey then pointed at Bush.

"I think he wants your pen so he can write a message for us," Laura said.

Bush handed the monkey his pen. The monkey quickly grabbed it and bit it in two.

"That was my lucky pen!" Bush grabbed the monkey again. "I'm going to spank you, you bad monkey! I'm going to spank you good!"

Laura grabbed him. "George! We don't have time for you to spank the monkey! The terrorists probably have the nuclear bomb."

Bush let the monkey go. "I guess the monkeys will escape punishment this time, but one day I'll get them. Time now to focus on the terrorists."

"But I'm tired of killing Muslims," Buck said. "That's like all I kill lately. I want shoot other types of for'ners."

"I'm really getting tired of your whining!" Bush shouted.

Bolton stood at the caves exit. "My 'stache senses danger."

Gun shots sounded in the distance. Bush ran out of the cave. "Quick! We have to get close enough that Bill and Jill can get killed in the crossfire!"

* * * *

Tony Snow walked before the podium only to see an empty press room. "Where is everyone?"

"The press has all been rounded up into prison without a trial... except for those who were mysteriously strangled by some serial killer," Condi told him.

Tony sighed and walked off. "Whatever; I still get paid the same."

* * * *

Bush pulled out his binoculars. "That terrorist camp seems to be under attack." He looked around some more. "By the North Koreans! ...And they have a dong!" Bush tossed down his binoculars. "Aww... now the nuke is back in the hands of the North Koreans. I guess that's better than it being in the hands of the terrorists but worse than it being in the hands of monkeys. I have a bad feeling their going to use that dong, so we better stop them. How many guns do each of you have?"

"I only brought bag lunches," Laura said.

"I need nothing but my 'stache," Bolton said.

"We just brought our team spirit! Yay!" Bill and Jill said.

"I had a gun, but then you let that monkey borrow it and..."

"I'm really really tired of your whining, Buck!" Bush shouted. "Fine, no guns. We'll have to use strategery. Everyone spread out around the camp. We'll throw rocks and sand at the Koreans until they're like, 'Hey! Stop that! Here! Take the nuke!' Then we'll take the nuke, and our mission will be a success."

"That's a stupid plan," Laura said.

"Well, a stupid plan is better than no plan."

"Quite the opposite, actually."

"I don't care!" Bush yelled. "It's a fool proof plan, but, just in case, Bill and Jill should start throwing stuff first. Now everyone spread out!"

The rest of the group went away while Bush tried to find a good sized rock. Suddenly, he heard a growl and was lifted into the air. "Aieeee! Giant pandas!"

* * * *

Bush was dropped into the center of the camp by the pandas. Before him stood the evil Communist Chinese leader. "So, Mr. Bush, I see you've met my panda enforcers: Kill-Kill, Slay-Slay, and Murder-Murder."

"I don't like the sound of the name of that last one," Bush grumbled to himself. He then stood up the face the evil Communist Chinese leader. "You monster! I can't believe you had your evil pandas rip apart Bill and Jill! They were two young kids who had bright futures ahead of them!"

The evil Communist Chinese leader looked confused. "Rip apart who? You mean the interns? They're over there." He pointed to some chairs nearby where Bill and Jill were sitting along with Laura, Buck, and Bolton. Bill and Jill waved back at Bush enthusiastically.

"Dagnabbit!" Bush yelled. "If they don't die soon, people might start liking them... and then they'll be reoccurring characters... and then we'll never be able to kill them off!"

"I have one question for you," said the evil Communist Chinese leader. "Why are you wearing a winter coat in the desert?"

"And I have one for you! Why don't you shut up?"

The evil Communist Chinese leader sneered. "Defiant at always, I see. Well, I have a surprise for you, Mr. Bush."

Kim Jong Il stepped forward. He then bowed his head and uttered, "I'm sowwy. I never should have tested that nukey boom boom."

"You should be sorry!" Bush said. "Now apologize for your hair!"


"As you can see," the evil Communist Chinese leader said, "the situation is now under control. You and your friends can head home."

"Wow! Super!"

"I don't know, George," Laura said. "I think the Chinese are just trying to defuse the situation so they can keep North Korea as a wedge in that region."

Bolton twitched his mustache. "My 'stache does not detect good intentions."

"You guys need to calm down," Bush told them. "You always think the worst of China, but, of all the murderous dictatorships, they sure are the... uh... biggest. Anyway, now the nuke is in the hands of China - who already have plenty of nukes - so everything seems to have worked out. Sure, it didn't all go to plan - Bill and Jill are still alive - but I think this conclusion is good enough. Also, I want to get out of here and go someplace colder so I won't feel so hot in this coat."

"Why don't you just take it off?" Laura asked.

"We already went over that!"

"Not to whine, but I'm sure disappointed I didn't get to kill anybody or shout, 'Ooh-rah,'" Buck said. "Also, what's going to happen with this big... uh... dong?" He pointed to the giant missile standing up in the middle of the camp.

Bush scratched his head. "I guess we have to get rid of it."

"No! My dong!" Kim Jong Il screeched. "No one touch my dong but me!" He ran over and wrapped his arms around it. This accidentally set it off, and it flew into the air with Kim Jong Il stuck to it and screaming, "I lost control of my dong!"

Bush laughed. "That's funny because it sounds like he's talking about his penis." He thought for a moment. "Also, I guess a poofy-haired dictator being stuck to an out of control missile is funny in itself, too."

"Yay!" Bill and Jill exclaimed.



Rating: 2.6/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (16) | In My World
Democrats in Charge Comic #1
Posted by Frank J. at 09:46 AM | Email This

They say pictures are worth a thousand words, so my drawing must be worth at least somewhere between thirty and forty. That's good, because that's about as many words as the average attention span can take these days.

Anyway, I've decided to use the power of my drawings to depict to you what America will be like if it's run by Democrats. Here is the first comic in this series:

Don't let this scene become a reality! Vote Republican!

A new comic of the horrors of having Democrats in charge comes tomorrow...

Rating: 2.1/5 (51 votes cast)

Comments (13) | Frank the Artist
Lambchop Needs an Editor
Posted by Frank J. at 08:35 AM | Email This

It's good to know that there's at least one person out there I'm a better writer than.

BTW, has anyone actually been able to read an entire post by Ellison? Anytime I try, my brain gets angry because it thinks I'm trying to hurt it, and then I have to assure my brain, "I would never hurt you. You are a good brain. You got me a good engineering job." Still, my brain usually remains suspicious for the rest of the day and then I have to calm it down using beer.

Now, brain, I am trying to hurt you when I drink beer, but it’s a good hurt.

Rating: 2.0/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (6)
If the Republicans Are on the Ropes, Why Do These Guys Seem So Desperate?
Posted by Frank J. at 08:28 AM | Email This

Apparently, the nutroots are trying to organize an effort to Googlebomb search terms so as to affect the election. Those guys are innovative. I always thought there was nothing more politically useless than an internet petition, but they found it. I mean, really, these guys just might as well spend all their energy doing to the robot dance to fight fascism.

Wait, I know! The nutroots can each consume an entire can of Crisco to show their support for fair elections!

If you have other ideas for useless expenditures of energy to engage in a feeble attempt to affect political fortunes, either put them in the comments or start a diary on the DailyKos.

Rating: 2.3/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (17)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 08:16 AM | Email This


1) Who is the news anchorman in Springfield?

2) What kind of car does Ned Flanders own?

3) In the corner of the Simpson's kitchen, there's a cookie jar shaped like what?

4) What is the name of the fancy restaurant often visited by the Simpsons?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.4/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Simpsons Trivia
October 22, 2006
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 01:52 PM | Email This


1) (T/F) The Simpsons recreational vehicle falls off a cliff?

2) Why did Homer want to buy a recreational vehicle so badly?

3) When the Simpsons go camping, what do Marge and Lisa discuss as they build camp?

4) If it weren't for Jebediah Springfield, the early settlers would've died in what?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.0/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Simpsons Trivia
October 21, 2006
Giant Sociopaths
Posted by Frank J. at 01:24 PM | Email This

Eric Flint has his fourth essay out on Digital Right Management, this one on the whittling away of the concept of fair-use - something quite important to someone who does make money off of parodies. Also, it's certainly interesting to see someone railing against copyright laws who makes his living off them. It's a great article, and I can't think of anyone who wouldn't be concerned by the issues it covers.

Incidentally, Jim Baen's Universe, which is now in it's third issue, is supplied on many different digital medias with no DRM (I read it on my PDA phone in the Microsoft Ebook Reader, giving me a couple novels worth of reading no matter where I am). If you like science fiction, you need to check it out.

Baens Universe Logo
Help Save Science Fiction at Jim Baen's Universe!

Hopefully, it will later have a story by me published in it (:: shakes fist ::) and there will finally be an illustration of a cowboy fighting a dragon as people have desired for years. Then, I'll be one third of the way to being an official science fiction writer guy.

Speaking of writing, I'm excited to get back to writing Hellbender (and I know there's a vocal minority of you out there who have been waiting for that). The main work for the compilation should be finished this weekend, and then my spare time (i.e., time other than that spent working, sleeping, eating, with the wife, and blogging) will be on working on a full novel. The story will be a bit different than the short story I started on IMAO, but the main characters will be the same.

Anyway, I have to get back to work. Be honorable, ronin.

Rating: 2.4/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (3)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 07:46 AM | Email This


1) (T/F) Sideshow Mel is Krusty's current sidekick

2) Which Simpsons character laughs at totally inappropriate times?

3) Who has been seen eating Chef Lonelyhearts Soup For One?

4) Who did Krusty once present an Emmy to?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 1.8/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (7) | Simpsons Trivia
October 20, 2006
Man, that Was an Awesome Episode of Battlestar Gallatica
Posted by Frank J. at 11:55 PM | Email This

So say we all?

The only part I disliked...



Rating: 2.2/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (17)
Republicans, Democrats and 3 Dollar Bills
An Editorial By Spacemonkey
Posted by spacemonkey at 05:49 PM | Email This

smart monkey As you know by now, Republicans are all completely gay. You, me, all of us. Queer as a proverbial three Euro note (or the regular one Euro note for that matter). Sweet as an all-month sucker. It's a proven fact. Ask any Democrat and they will assure you that it is so. Try as we may like to deny it, the allegations speak for themselves loudly, openly and proudly. We just have to deal with it. I mean there are lists! With NAMES!

And once you get listed as a gay, there's simply no unlisting. You don't go back in the closet, unless you coordinate very well. Even then it's just to get dressed for an outing of some sort. You just can't unlick the cat, so to speak. You also can't unwrestle the snake, though I think I may have coined that term right out of hand, so to speak.

The most stunning part of all this new queer reality or queerality is the idea that we must hate ourselves and not vote for our gay brethren and sistren any 'mo for the simple fact of our mutual gaiety. But is our own undeniably fabulous gayness a sufficient reason to do as the liberals would have us to do? To do what used to seem unthinkable namely voting for a Democrat? Or staying home and not voting for fear of supporting one of "them" (you know, us)? No, of course not, don't be such a fag.

The Democrats pushing this crap is like the pot calling the kettle FABULOUS!

We must put aside our self hate and focus on a return to our grassroots of hating all those who hate America. Namely the Democrats. We express our hate for them by keeping them out of office. And by logical extension, the terrorists. We can expressing our hate for them by keeping them from breathing. Who hated us when we were just Americans? Who hates us doubly more now that we are gays as well? I'll tell you who. Democrats and terrorists. TerrorCrats if you will.

After all, these two groups have demonstrated an affinity for sucking up to each other for mutual benefit time after time and then they spit all over America. Bending over backward to show their sensitivity to each other's needs and wants. They have formed a circle of trust and openly give each other a hand when a job needs doing to hurt America. What total slimy jerks!

No I tell you TerrorCrats are the real girly men and manly girls. I call on all Republicans to not fall for this "Stay at Homo this Election Day" business. Instead we all need to "Get out the vote! Dress Flamboyant But Vote Conservative!"

Spacemonkey is the author of such books as "We're Here, We're WHAT!!!?!? I can't deal with that", and "Gay as in Happy" and "The Secret to Staying Super Straight."

Rating: 2.0/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (20) | Editorials
DUer Gets Punked
Posted by Frank J. at 03:59 PM | Email This

Now this is funny.

And I would know, as, on occasion, I've been known to write something funny.

Rating: 2.5/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (31)
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 03:09 PM | Email This

When would the nutroots be a huge threat to the Republicans?


Rating: 2.1/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (10) | Fun Trivia
Nutroots! Now Is the Time to Focus All Your Energy Against Lieberman!
Posted by Frank J. at 02:02 PM | Email This

Lieberman has gained a 17 point lead in a recent poll, which just underscores how much the nutroots need to redouble their efforts to defeat Lieberman and get that guy... uh... not-Lieberman to win. Do I have to remind you how this is the most important election ever ever for the Democrats? Forget everything else and give all your time and money to defeat Lieberman! No other race matters! Lieberman once kissed George W. Bush! What a homo! He must be stopped!

Rating: 2.4/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (13)
Stupid Constitution
Posted by Frank J. at 12:43 PM | Email This

Glenn "Mmm... puppy" Reynolds early voted in Tennessee, and has a poll to guess who he voted for in the Senate race.

I'm guessing the third option. Too bad I'm three years too young if he's trying to start a movement.


I hear Instapundit has been mentioned on Rush a lot this week, but I happened to miss it. Has anyone called in to tell Rush Limbaugh about Glenn's evil smoothie habit so Rush will have more ammo against his new foe? If anyone disputes it, just tell him to Google it. On the internets, it's an established fact!


Glenn has now revealed who he's voted for. It wasn't me.

Rating: 2.3/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Do the Nutroots Have a Plan for the Future?
Posted by Frank J. at 11:47 AM | Email This

PHASE 1: Get really angry.
PHASE 2: Help Democrats win the House and Senate.
PHASE 3: ???

I think the easiest way to understand the nutroots is to think of them as people who hate the Yankees. I'm using the Yankees since lots of people seem to hate them. Mind you, I don't hate the Yankees as I feel a bit like a New Yorker myself. I spent a good part of my life in northern New Jersey where all my local news came from New York City, and every morning before school I got to find out whether alternate side parking was suspended - whatever that means. With this New York exposure, I naturally feel that the baseball team that spends the most money deserves to win.

Anyway, the nutroots hate the Yankees like many of you do and they love their local team. They really really want their local team to win, but, more importantly, they want the Yankees to lose. They feel this is extremely important for reasons they can't quite comprehend enough to put into a coherent thought (they may throw the word "fascism" around, but that's mainly a meaningless amplifier to them... much like a swear word).

Now, when the Yankees lost this season, were you happy? Many of you were.

But did you have a long term plan for after the Yankees lost?

And that's the problem with the nutroots. They're so concerned with winning and winning alone that they've reduced rooting for the Democrats and against the Republicans to rooting for one's favorite sports team and against the most hated rival. As meaningless as sports wins are to the world at large, people can get convinced they're very important. And, when those fans get what they desire, it's cathartic for a short time… but that's it. There's nothing more after that.

So, what can we expect from the nutroots if the Dems win big in November? They'll probably riot that night and burn things and knock over cars. Then they'll just wait feverishly for the next election.

Rating: 2.4/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (24)
Posted by spacemonkey at 10:04 AM | Email This


This is only a test.

If there were an actual Spacemonkey post, you would be groaning by now.

Rating: 1.9/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (17)
The Last Hours
Posted by Frank J. at 09:28 AM | Email This

I dunno; this GOP ad this late in the game reeks of desperation. Still, Kos's feverish assertion that terrorist concerns will cause more people to vote Democrat is about as delusional as it gets ("Save us, fearsome Democrats! Your whining and your criticism of Bush is all that can stop Islamic terror!").

Still, I am a partisan shill, so it is my duty to try and rescue the Republicans despite how much they deserve to drown. Their new ad combined with Superstar's link to an old post of mine has opened up a huge fount of inspiration. Expect a cool new series from me starting Monday. I'm quite excited about it, and I hope my vagueness has excited you too.

Rating: 2.2/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Friday Catblogging
Posted by Laurence Simon at 09:22 AM | Email This

Since it's Friday, I thought I'd spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka "I-MEOW").

All of the other IMAO bloggers are busy looking for puppets to do their own American Fake Spacemonkey videoblog episodes. Well, except for FrankJ, who's trying to dig up his old Ken and Barbie dolls so he can do a "She Blonded Me With Fake Science" and "Fake Frank Discussion" videoblog.

Anyway, it's time for Piper the Puppeteer:

If you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Piper is... um...

Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.

You can find more examples of Friday catblogging by searching a blog search engine such as Technorati for "catblogging."

You can also find a roundup of catblogging posts at The Friday Ark, located at The Modulator blog.

Then, when the weekend is nearly over, head over to The Carnival of the Cats for more kitty goodness.

There's also Flickr Groups called Furry Friday and Friday Catblogging.

Anybody I miss?

One last note... Meryl Yourish's Gracie is going in for surgery this morning.

A moment of your time for a prayer or two would be greatly appreciated.

Rating: 2.7/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (10) | Friday Cat-Blogging
North Korea: Sorry for the Nuclear Test
Posted by Frank J. at 08:46 AM | Email This

Aww... look how sad and sorry they are.

Let's get them a present!

Rating: 2.1/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (11)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 07:35 AM | Email This


1) (T/F) In "Homer's Night Out", Bart is impatiently waiting for a spy camera to come in the mail

2) What is the name of the Springfield bowling alley?

3) According to Rev. Lovejoy, what is the 8th Deadly Sin?

4) What is the name of the restaurant where Homer dances with Princess Kashmir?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.1/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (3) | Simpsons Trivia
October 19, 2006
President Bush Thanks Moderate Muslims
Posted by RightWingDuck at 05:16 PM | Email This

Michelle Maklin is great but needs to remember to include pictures in her blog posts. She recently wrote about President Bush and his thanking of the moderate Muslims.

It was a crowd that received the message loud and clear.

Picture is below the fold.


Rating: 2.1/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Ask Dr. Duck Returns
Posted by RightWingDuck at 11:16 AM | Email This

Yes, I've had more retirements than the state of Florida,
I have no credentials, qualifications, or experience,
yet I continue to give my invaluable advice and expertise.

Because I care.

Truly I do.

So Dr. Duck is back to answer the q uestions that haunt your mind. Do you need help? Love? Relationships? Finance? Life in general?

Please post your questions in comments and Dr. Duck will help.

I'm sure you have some questions so I've put together this handy FAQ.


Rating: 2.6/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (37)
Frank is sick
Posted by sarahk at 10:15 AM | Email This

He's in bed with the flu; he even has a fever. In fact, that's why I didn't allow him to go to work today. He works in a cube and will just get everyone else sick if he goes in today.

So Ducky, Lair, Harvey, Spacemonkey, and Cadet Happy (yeah right), y'all post stuff today. (I can be bossy because I paid everyone this week.)

Anyway, y'all forgive Frank for not posting today, and I'll forgive him for almost getting me arrested for a second time this morning (you know, after appropriate jewelry has changed hands).


Rating: 2.4/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (20)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 07:23 AM | Email This


1) (T/F) Prof. Wrongway is the nutty professor on the Simpsons

2) On what street is Moe's Tavern located?

3) Which Simpsons character has a doctorate in Computer Science?

4) What is Krusty's real middle name?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.7/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (6) | Simpsons Trivia
October 18, 2006
Why has Laurence been so quiet?
Posted by Laurence Simon at 10:20 PM | Email This

No, the cats haven't eaten me.

The truth is, I've been down in IMAO Labs for a few days working on a new project.

Why? Well, it seems that some of y'all are wanting a IMAO Video Podcast, so FrankJ rolled a dime down the stairs, I ran after it, and he locked me in the basement until I came up with a video podcast.

(I resisted the penny and the nickel, but when it was a dime, well, I just couldn't resist! Damn my money-sniffing genes!)

I know that many of you were hoping for SarahK to star in the IMAO Video Podcast because she's so pretty and all (way prettier than Michelle Malkin), but FrankJ wasn't about to leave her locked in the basement with me, so...


Rating: 2.5/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (20)
Frank Discussions: Rep. Dave Weldon
Posted by Frank J. at 04:59 PM | Email This

In the interest of fairness, after interviewing Democrat Dr. Bob Bowman who is running to be the Congressman for Florida District 15 (where I live), I once again extended an offer to Republican Rep. Dave Weldon so that he could respond to Dr. Bowman's "interesting" views as well as other important questions. He accepted, so I e-mailed out the tough questions (Full Disclosure: I'm a partisan hack). Here's the interview:

Q. Your opponent, Dr. Bob Bowman, thinks that there was a government conspiracy behind 9/11. Other than the numerous eye witness accounts, the forensic evidence, the analysis by structural engineers, the intense media scrutiny, the statements by al Qaeda, collected intelligence, and common sense, what evidence do you have that 9/11 was in fact done by Islamic extremists and was not a gigantic government plot?

How about Osama himself, who not only took credit for the 9/11 event and claimed Atta as one of his key ring leaders, but on the video he sent out shortly after the event he gleefully said that “the damage was greater than expected” and elaborated more about his wicked plan in detail. It would take a very special (insert your own euphemism) cynicism to say he wasn’t responsible.

Q. If there are more government conspiracies in the future, will you make sure to be a part of them so that they will benefit your constituents?

If my constituents knew, then it wouldn’t be a genuine “conspiracy.”

Q. In my interview, Dr. Bowman stated that the greatest threat to America is the "fascist regime of George W. Bush". What do you think the greatest threat to America is?

As an old Army officer we had a term called IFF...Identify: Friend or Foe. In wartime those who can’t seem to distinguish friend of foe can be as dangerous as the enemy himself.

Q. A popular issue in the blogosphere is pork spending. I'm highly against any pork that doesn't benefit me. What's your stance on that issue?

Every year Congress passes spending bills. What and how we spend is, constitutionally, up to Congress. Not the president, not the bureaucrats and not the lobbyists. Some Members of Congress end up abusing that privilege, losing the people’s trust. Earmarks for “bridges-to-nowhere” is that kind of abuse. That happened because there was no sunshine on that earmark. No longer. I voted this year to “Sunshine” all such projects from now on. They will stand or fall on their merits, as they should.

Q. You seem to be a strong supporter of energy independence, but if we stop buying oil, won't that just make everyone in the Middle East even angrier?

That’s liberal nonsense. I’d rather they be angry and penniless than “less angry” and flush with our cash. For me it’s simple: Energy security means national security. We must be self-sufficient as best we can. The status quo is just not acceptable.

Q. The government is supposed to build a fence along part of the U.S. southern border, but scientific studies have shown that people are capable of climbing fences. Do you support any other methods to secure our border?

The bill the president just signed is not just for any average picket fence. It’s double layered, penetrating the ground as well to prevent tunneling and loaded up with the latest detection equipment. If it cuts down a large majority of illegals (which it will), I’ll be happy. We did this in California and it worked well.

Q. All the talk seems to be about the Southern border, but what about the Canadian threat?

You go where the problem is, but we have deployed more resources to the Canadian border as well.

Q. Living on the Space Coast, one of our biggest problems are noisy space shuttles. The last time the Space Shuttle Atlantis returned, it was early morning and the loud boom from its reentry woke me up and scared my dog. Can't you do something about that, like maybe tell the astronauts to slow it down a bit? I know they're anxious to get home, but it's not like the earth is going anywhere... is it?

After 12 days in space, wouldn’t you be anxious to get home too?

Q. Your opponent says that violent video games are bad because they desensitize our soldiers. My wife says violent video games are bad because they are a monumental waste of time. I think violent video games are good because they're fun. Who is right?

You wife sounds very wise. As a matter of fact on all issues of dispute between your wife and Bob Bowman, go with your wife.

Q. Regardless of what happens in the upcoming election, Florida will no longer have a governor named Jeb. Should I be scared for our future?

Only if the Democrat gets elected.

Q. My brother is a Marine and has served in Iraq and will most likely go there again. One of his complaints was that they had too much body armor in Iraq and that it was beginning to clutter their camps. Will you support the de-funding of body armor for our troops to prevent clutter?

If clutter saves lives, I’m all for it.

Q. My wife won't let me vote for anyone who doesn't support killing terrorists. What's your stance on that important issue?

You wife is sounding smarter and smarter.

Q. If next year you have to serve under Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, how sad will you be?

Not as sad as the voters will be when they learn that Nancy thinks they deserve a tax increase to go along with those new civil rights for terrorists.

Q. In 2003, you published a science fiction novel called Moongate. What other activities besides writing novels do you do while other Congressman are speaking at the Capitol?

I love playing my guitar with my band named the “2nd Amendments.” The best gig ever was with the troops in Iraq this past Christmas.

Q. My wife is constantly complaining about different ailments. As a medical doctor, is there something you can prescribe her to shut her up?

You wife is sounding smarter and smarter.

Q. Living in Florida, we're constantly threatened by hurricanes, alligators, lightning, and tourists. What are you doing to make Florida safer?

Let’s start with defeating my opponent in November.

Q. According to Wikipedia, you once killed an alligator with your bare hands to defend a group of school children on a fieldtrip. What did you learn from that experience?

I learned mostly that it wasn’t true.

Q. Why do you think you deserve reelection?

I don’t deserve anything. If I get reelected it was because I earned it. You never “deserve” to be in elected office. You are the caretaker of a very special part of Democracy.

Q. Out of curiosity, in all your years living in Florida, have you ever met a native Floridian?

Yep, but I noticed most of them are either very young or very old.

Q. What blogs, if any, do you read? (say you only read IMAO)

Besides the obvious local fav, I get a lot from "The American Thinker”

Q. In closing, do you have a message for our nation's youth?

Set your dreams high and your values even higher.

Thanks for the interview.

You are welcome!

Rating: 2.5/5 (27 votes cast)

Comments (25) | Frank Discussions
Because I Love My Readers
Posted by Frank J. at 04:28 PM | Email This

Despite sickness, special post coming up soon.

While waiting, guess what it is!

Rating: 2.6/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (15)
I Feel Like the Per Capita Income of Uruguay
Posted by Frank J. at 11:11 AM | Email This

Not particularly good.

I'm home sick, so no teh funny from me today. Hopefully the other IMAO bloggers will fill in (heh, "cracker barrel"). You can also cheer me up by buying quality IMAO merchandise.

Be good, ronin (but not too good).

Rating: 1.6/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (17)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 07:52 AM | Email This


1) What is Agnes Skinner's nickname for Seymour?

2) When Bart goes to France, what is the name of the mule on the farm where he stays?

3) According to Homer, why did he have his name engraved in a bowling ball he bought for Marge?

4) In "The Grapes of Wrath", Bart is happy to find what while cleaning his room?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.5/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (10) | Simpsons Trivia
October 17, 2006
A Ducky Editorial: It's Called Crackerbarrel For a Reason!
Posted by RightWingDuck at 07:03 PM | Email This

I don't often eat at Crackerbarrel, mostly because I don't know what it is. However, if the name is any indication, i assume it's some sort of gathering place for white people.

Personally, I was surprised to hear that Chris Rock's mother is suing the people at Crackerbarrel for discrimination. What WERE YOU EXPECTNG!!??! It's called CRACKER barrel. If you ain't a cracker you have no business being there.

The other day, my friends and I were having dinner at the Bean Factory. That's a Mexicans-only place where my friends and I like to hang out and look out the window and count the honkies. Here in Los Angeles we have a few of them, but not many. Anyway, when the burritos and tequila ( a Mexican drink) arrived, we started talking about this. The consensus was - Mrs. Rock - Quit hanging out at the WhiteyBarrel or Crackerjar or whatever it's called.

Sometimes we feel sorry for whitey. It's getting to the point where they have no place to go - so they resort to golf clubs with full amenities and expensive gated communities. But what about those whiteys who aren't so well-to-do? Sure, they have their trailer parks but where should they eat?

That's right. Crackerbarrel.

So I say Let's let Whitey Have a Place to Hangout, drink a beer, and boss around the Mexican help.

Let's hear your opinions in the Comments Section.

Rating: 2.6/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (37)
Not that kind of Nerd™!
Posted by sarahk at 06:45 PM | Email This

We all miss Cadet Happy, aka the evil fake SarahK, around here (but our aim's getting better, yuk yuk)...

Anyway, we've had a volunteer start making fun of Frank J.

Here's the context.

Rating: 2.2/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (4)
America Welcomes # 300 Million
Posted by RightWingDuck at 12:45 PM | Email This

America officially welcomed it's 300 millionth resident.

Today at 6:47 a.m. Juan Garcia was officially caught sneaking across the United States-Mexican border.

Mr. Garcia, speaking through an interpreter, had the following statement: "I was very worried at first when I saw the large gathering of American officials. I thought: Tthese guys are going to put me away for a whole hour and then they'll let me go. This could potentially ruin my afternoon."

Mr. Garcia, who holds a degree from the University of Guadalajara in Day Laboring, has visited the country before. "It is an honor to be America's Number 300 Million. I hope this will help us open a dialogue between our countries and that President Bush will allow more guest workers into the country."

As part of the America's 300 Millionth Resident Ceremony, Mr. Garcia was awarded the Key To The City Of San Diego, a Certificate of Appreciation, and several gift certificates to the Foot Locker.

Rating: 2.4/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (12)
In My World: Nuclear Dong Part II
Posted by Frank J. at 11:34 AM | Email This

Part 1

* * * *

"I clearly told the incoming Bush Administration about the monkey threat," Bill Clinton said to Chris Wallace.


"Yeah it was on a memo somewhere I gave them."

"What memo?"

"Uh... I don't remember the name, but I do remember doodling a monkey in the margin of some classified memo... I believe I also drew an X-Wing shooting at a Tie Fighter above it." Clinton wagged his finger at Wallace. "That was a warning, and President Bush should have heeded it!"

Wallace nodded. "Fair enough. Next question: You seem to be super-glued to who appears to be a common street hooker. What's the story behind that?"

Clinton's face turned red and he knocked over the table between them. "I won't stand for this right-wing hit job! Let's get out of here, Brandy!" He began to leave.

Brandy was pulled behind him. "Not like I have a choice!"

Condoleezza Rice turned off the TV. "We're going to continue to be hammered for this. It's time for decisive action against the monkeys!"

"Do you think they'll use the nuclear bomb they stole?" President Bush asked. "I mean, are they going to blow up the Statue of Liberty like in Planet of the Apes?"

"We're not dealing with Islamic terrorists, remember," Condi said. "Unlike them, monkeys can be expected to act in their own interest, so I doubt they'll actually use it against us. Instead, they'll probably use the bomb for political leverage or sell it to fund monkey evil or buy lots of bananas."

Bush pounded the war room's table. "We can't let them do that! That many bananas won't be a balanced diet!"

Condi rolled her eyes. "Also, they might sell the bomb to terrorists who will use it against us."

Bush thought about that. "Oh yeah; that's bad too." He turned to Rumsfeld. "What do you think we should do, Rummy?"

"I think we should make a decisive strike against Iran immediately!"

Bush was confused. "What does Iran have to do with this?"

Rumsfeld took a swig from his whiskey flask. "I dunno; I haven't been listening to what you were talking about. I just want to attack Iran!" He crushed the metal flask in his hand. "I want to kill that little midget president of theirs and all of their ayatollahs!"

"We'll have a war with Iran later," Bush said. "Let's focus on the monkey problem now."

"Bah!" Rumsfeld stood up. "I'm going to go strangle some people. If you want to know what I'm up to, watch the six o'clock news." He stormed out.

"Whatever; we can do this without you," Bush called out to Rumsfeld. Bush looked to Buck the Marine. "So, what do you think?"

"Well... uh... I'm just a sergeant in the Marines," Buck said. "I don't really make these higher-level decisions. I just came down here because there was free pizza and beer."

"And, since you ate some pizza, you now have to come up with a solution to the nuclear-armed monkey problem!" Bush told him.

Buck thought for a moment. "Can't we just shoot them? I mean, they're hairy and they make lots of gibberish sounds, so they're just like for'ners. As you may know, my job and my favorite past time is kill'n for'ners."

"Brilliant!" Bush exclaimed. "We'll kill the monkeys by shooting them! That's a plan we can work with. I want the American people to know that, if monkeys obtain nuclear weapons, they will be hunted down and killed like common for'ners." Bush turned to Clancy. "You're our intelligence guy. Where are the monkeys now?"

Clancy turned on a PowerPoint presentation and stood up. "Monkeys are twice as hard to find as terrorists. While terrorists hide in caves, monkey can hide both in caves and up in trees." A slide appeared of a suspicious looking monkey in a tree.

"Oh no!" Bush yelled. "Monkeys could be in any tree right now with a nuclear weapon! We're doomed!"

"Luckily, though," Clancy continued, "through a source know as Google, we've found out there are lots of monkeys here." On screen appeared a map of the Middle East and he pointed to an area on it.

Bush stood up. "There are lots of bad people there! We can't let the monkeys sell the nuke to them! We have to go there and stop them!" He looked at the map some more. "Wait, what country is that?"

"That's classified."

Condi sighed. "Countries aren't classified."

"Fine," Clancy said. "I just forgot what one it is. Now, excuse me, there's some secret work I need to get to." He walked off.

"That bathroom is the other way," Condi called to him.

"We have to get a task force together and handle this," Bush declared. "We can't let the monkeys roam free or gain power, or things will end up like the Planet of the Apes, and no one wants that, right?"

"The original or the remake?" Buck asked. "In the remake, humans could talk, but they also didn't have guns. I'd rather not talk and have guns."

"Me too!" Bush exclaimed.

"While you’re off on another adventure, just remember there is going to be political fallout from this," Condi said.

Bush scoffed. "Snowman will have that covered."

* * * *

"Now that monkeys have the nuclear bomb, hasn't President Bush proved himself to be even more incompetent than Carter?"

"Let's not resort to hyperbole," White House Press Secretary Tony Snow answered. "Keep things in perspective. Monkeys are mischievous creatures, and they tend to steal small items. This time, they happened to grab a nuclear weapon. Still, they're only monkeys, and they don't have the capability to operate it."

"Are we supposed to believe that a nuclear weapon simple enough for Kim Jong Il to use can't be operated by monkeys?" a reporter asked.

Tony paused for a moment. "Wow, when did you guys learn to ask good questions? Anyway, whatever is the capability of the monkeys, they are being hunted down as we speak."

"Aren't you worried that all the anti-monkey sentiments right now will cause a backlash against monkeys?"

"Okay, now that's the type of question I'm more used to. So, what the hell are you talking about?"

"Just the other day," the reporter said, "Senator Allen was jumped on by a monkey. He then threw it off and yelled, 'Get your paws off me, you damn, dirty macaca!' Aren't you worried about more such anti-monkey slurs?"

"The Bush Administration is working hard to make sure that peaceful monkeys are respected and..." Tony paused for a moment. "Know what? I'm just going to come out and say we don't care what people call monkeys."

"And you don't care that monkeys are currently being indiscriminately rounded up and imprisoned?" shouted a hysterical reporter.

Tony took a deep breath. "Those are called zoos, and they been around long before this kerfuffle."

"But, now that monkeys have nuclear weapons, shouldn't we change the status quo?"

"You guys are starting to get retarded," Tony said. "You keep it up, and I'm going to give you all a timeout again."

"Melinda Hawkish, FOX News." She pushed forward in front of the other reporters. "We’ve passed each other a few times in the hallway back when you worked at FOX News yourself."

Tony rolled his eyes. "Yeah, I remember you, Melinda. What's your question?"

"Doesn't this whole incident further illustrate the Bush Administration's impotence on the national stage? Why haven't they immediately responded to the monkeys' provocation by attacking one of their strongholds, such as bombing the rainforest?"

"That's just not the way we're handling it."

"The American people demand bombings and cool video footage of it!" Melinda shouted.

"Calm down! What the American people should know is that we have a very competent team working on this right now."

* * * *

"Well, we have our team together." Bush stood in the sands of Arabia and looked to the horizon. "There's me, the brilliant leader and strategerist. There's Buck the Marine who loves killing for'ners."

"I just shoot them," Buck said. "Whether they die or not is up to them."

"And then there's U.N. Ambassador Bolton whose mustache is rumored to be able to survive a nuclear blast."

"My 'stache bristles with fury," Bolton declared.

"And my wife, who I'm bringing along since she says we don't do enough together."

She held up some paper bags. "I packed everyone lunches."

"And, last and least, two people I've never seen before who can die to give this situation some needed gravitas."

"We are psyched to be helping you out, Mr. President!" said Bill the intern.

"Super-psyched!" Jill the intern added.

"It's just great to be a part of something like this!" Bill continued. "I always hoped for experience like this because I want to have big career in politics."

"I'm so excited for the future!" Jill said. "Yay!"

Bush nodded. "Good. Statements like that will only make it seem all the more tragic when you die."

Laura swatted Bush across the back of his head. "Stop taunting the interns about how they're going to die."

"Fine. Let's get going!" Bush marched into the desert.

"Shouldn't we have a vehicle or something?" Buck asked. "Or, at least, a camel?"

Bush looked at Buck with disgust. "You really are a whiner, Buck. I hope you have a better attitude when you start your eighth tour in Iraq after this."

* * * *

Elsewhere in Arabia, Kim Jong Il tried to fix his mangled poofy hair. "We track monkeys here! We teach them for what they did to my hair and my dong! It no longer stand up!"

"We'll get the nuclear bomb back," the aide said, "but do we really need to carry the missile with us the whole way?" He pointed to the North Korean troops carrying a missile who were lagging behind them.

"Yes! It great dong! Take ten people to carry! As soon as we get nukey boom boom back, we unleash the dong! We make big explosion! Then American and everyone else will fear me and my dong! Dong! Dong! Dong! Dong! Dong! ..."


Rating: 2.3/5 (27 votes cast)

Comments (19) | In My World
Casual Friday IMAO Wear
Posted by Frank J. at 09:13 AM | Email This

Well, personally, most days I wear polo shirts to work, and this new product from ThoseShirts.com will probably be a near weekly wear for me:

For the discriminating IMAO enthusiast.

Yes, that's a stitched IMAO logo and tagline. A great Christmas gift for true IMAO fans.

Also, don't forget the return of the Nuke the Moon shirt; you don't want to miss it yet again. And then there's the other quality IMAO shirts from ThoseShirts.com.

For people who already own IMAO Merchandise, please put in your stories in the comments about what they've done for you. My Nuke the Moon shirt once scared off an entire gang of attackers. And my gun safety rules shirt saved so many lives that I was given a humanitarian award just for wearing it.

Rating: 2.7/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (13)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 07:22 AM | Email This


1) Who once pretended to be Apu's wife?

2) What is the name of Apu's brother?

3) What was wrong with the elf named Chilly in "The Happy Little Elves"?

4) In "Some Enchanted Evening", what motel do Homer and Marge visit?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.3/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (2) | Simpsons Trivia
October 16, 2006
Tomorrow on IMAO...
Posted by Frank J. at 07:33 PM | Email This

I wanted to get the next part of In My World: Nuclear Dong out today, but didn't have time. Will have it for you tomorrow, and... well... at least I think it's going to be super-funny.

Just out of curiosity, are IMWs still a lot of people's favorite type of post?

Rating: 2.3/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (39)
Guns, What Can't They Do?
Posted by Frank J. at 04:11 PM | Email This

A blogger was talking about the problem of having to check expensive camera equipment and then having it lost or stolen, and then one of his commenters came up with the solution: Guns!

Remember: No problem is so complex it can't be solved by proper firearm usage.

(hat tip: Bruce Schneier's Crypto-Gram; BTW, check out his post about a book of random numbers and the accompanying Amazon.com link)

Rating: 2.8/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (7)
It's a Directory... of Blogs!
Posted by Frank J. at 02:08 PM | Email This

The Hotline has done a little write up on each of the top fifty political blogs (based on Alexa traffic ranknings). IMAO made the list, so check it out and read up on your blogs and bloggers. I though I'd be the youngest of the top fifty, but it ends up there are a few others around my age.

Rating: 2.4/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Posted by Frank J. at 12:06 PM | Email This


Rating: 2.2/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (14)
The War in Iraq Is Going Either Very Well or Very Poorly... Or So-So... I Think
An Editorial by Frank J.
Posted by Frank J. at 09:41 AM | Email This

 After listening to the numerous opinions on the Iraq War, it has become quite obvious that something is happening in that country. The current state of affairs will most certainly be detrimental to the Middle East's future unless it is beneficial or of no effect whatsoever. This goes doubly for Iraqis themselves. And I can say that with great certainty as it the opinion of the numerous pundits who have been to Iraq or read a book on Iraq or saw numerous news stories on Iraq as well as the numerous pundits who have listened to those pundits. While some (or many) may argue that some (or many) of those opinions are based more on biases than facts, it is important to remember that that doesn't mean those opinions are wrong. Unless they are wrong... but they may not be. So keep that in mind.

"So, is it worth the cost in the lives of our soldiers? This is a good question unless it's missing the point."

 So how did Iraq end up it's current state? This is quite directly attributable to the success or failure of the Bush Administration... unless of course things happened that were completely out of their hands. The consensus of opinion, though, is that the blame lies somewhere unless it was no one's fault. It's hard to argue with that... but some will anyway. Obviously, Rumsfeld underestimated the number of troops needed unless he got the number right or possibly sent too many. This caused the Iraq War to be a front or distraction to the War on Terror, which we all agree is an important fight or a blunder that never should have been started. According to those in the know, and those not in the know, and those who don't know what they know, this should all have some or no effect on the future.

 So, is it worth the cost in the lives of our soldiers? This is a good question unless it's missing the point. According to some and many and some of those many, the current number of American lives lost in the war is unacceptably high or very low or about what's expected. This is quite obvious if you look to other American wars which are good measures or misleading, as the battles in them were quite similar to today except for the differences. All agree, though, that the sacrifice of our soldiers should or should not be respected as they are dying for our freedom or for no reason whatsoever. Certainly no one would celebrate those deaths other than those who do. And that's a good/bad thing (or vice versa).

 And what about the Iraqis who died? This is important to consider unless it is irrelevant. Everyone agrees that tens of thousands or hundreds of thousands have died as a result or regardless of this war... except for those who put the number in the millions or much less. Obviously, this is a number different or the same as those who would have died under Saddam... though those number could have been exaggerated or underestimated. But life is certainly better or worse for Iraqis now if you discount those for who things have remained the same. That's why many Iraqis are angry or happy or ambivalent, and can expect a bright or bitter future or more of the same. What experts and expert-sounding people do agree on (for the most part) is that there will be a future of some sort.

 What is important or pointless is establishing a stable democracy in Iraq. This easily attainable to impossible, but requires us to stay the course or do a completely different strategy… unless it's more prudent to just give up. What everyone agrees on, though, is that a stable democracy is what will bring peace to region unless a friendly dictator would be more practical or we should just get out of there and not care either way.

 The Iraq War certainly is something. All agree that there is an Iraq and that stuff is happening there. Also, it is quite certain that some sort of action/inaction is required by the U.S. Less certain is whether out of the thousands of people commenting on Iraq, if any of them actually know anything. What I do know for sure, though, is that I'm hungry... unless I'm misinterpreting a feeling of nausea, that is.

Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as "Victorious Quagmire: Yet Another Book About Iraq from Someone Clamining to Know What's He's Talking About" and "Bacon Calms the Mind: A Look at the Root Causes of Islamic Terror".

Rating: 2.2/5 (29 votes cast)

Comments (52) | Editorials
Nuke the Moon™ Shirts Are Back!
Posted by Frank J. at 09:06 AM | Email This

As the Nuke the Moon™ essay becomes more relevant than ever (does America want to be laughed at or feared like gods?), the Nuke the Moon™ t-shirt has come back into print (its third printing). Order one now before they're all gone; otherwise, you won't be able to be a part of the Peace Gallery™.

Oh, I need to update the templates on those pages...


Protects you from all forms of harm and danger.

P.S. You can also read the Nuke the Moon In My World™.

P.P.S. New Cool Quotes designs and new bumper stickers have been added to the IMAO Store. Also, the IMAO logo that goes on the front pocket of shirts has been altered to be higher placed, have a cooler shade of red (dark and lighter red blended together) for the lettering, and now includes the tagline.

Rating: 2.8/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (2)
IMAO Fans Are Just Like America!
Posted by spacemonkey at 08:52 AM | Email This

America demands more roundtable.

Also IMAO fans demand more roundtable.

So it logically follows that IMAO fans are just like America! Yay! The best country ever in the history of nation-states! Go y'all (us).

This remains especially true if "Your mother was a hamster."

Rating: 2.5/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 08:13 AM | Email This


1) (T/F) Marge's mother is named Jacqueline Bouvier

2) Where does Grampa Simpson live?

3) Who died and left Abe Simpson a fortune?

4) Who was Marge's art teacher at Springfield Community College?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.0/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (3) | Simpsons Trivia
October 15, 2006
What Do You Want in a Podcast?
Posted by Frank J. at 01:40 PM | Email This

We're all a bit busy, but we want to plan for the next podcast. What's your favorite part of the podcast and what do you want to see more of?

Rating: 1.9/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (29)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 07:53 AM | Email This


1) What is the alien Kodos' military rank?

2) (T/F) The Shelbyville version of Milhouse is also named Milhouse

3) Who is the fictional voice actress that does the voices of Itchy & Scratchy?

4) What is the name of Sideshow Mel's significant other?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.0/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (2) | Simpsons Trivia
October 14, 2006
Not that he's asking me, but...
Posted by Laurence Simon at 10:36 PM | Email This

Not that he's asking me, but FrankJ could use these quotes for the back of the jacket cover of his book if he ever gets around to finishing it...

  • "Frank is not anti-Semitic at all. When he's arrested for driving drunk, he's usually too busy kvetching about Mexicans and gays, passing out long before he gets all worked up over the Jews." -Your Friend, Laurence Simon (NOW GO TO BED!)

  • "This is the second edition of Frank's book. Some things have changed since the first edition. But you probably don't remember them. And we made you quack like a duck, too."
    -Mysterio the Magnificent

  • "I was given a copy of FrankJ's book to review and I put it in my jacket pocket. I was going to read it, but my crazy wife pulled out a gun and shot me in the chest. If only he'd have given me a hardback instead of a paperback proof, I'd be alive today."
    -Phil Hartman

  • "Am I getting paid for this?"

  • "Why does your wife keep telling you to stop talking about me?"
    -Michelle Malkin

  • "We lied about soldiers and prison guards throwing this book in a toilet."

However, I'm sure that he's got quotes from a whole bunch of big and famous people. Some of them legitimately, too, and not just screamed responses after he leapt out from an alleyway going "OOGIE BOOGIE!" dressed like a clown or something. (I tried that, and I still wound up leaving the back cover to my own book blank.)

If you could contribute a thoughtful, insightful, and meaningful quote to the back jacket cover of Frank's book without actually having read the thing, what would it be?

Rating: 2.4/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (27)
Turmoil in the broadcast sukkot... I mean booth
Posted by Laurence Simon at 08:12 PM | Email This

Q: So, when Fox Sports broadcaster Steve Lyons was fired for making fun of Lou Pinella's Hispanic heritage, how did Shawn Green react to the news?


Rating: 2.2/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (7)
Equal Time
Posted by Frank J. at 06:34 PM | Email This

In the interest of fairness (and IMAO is nothing if not fair), I've gotten in contact with Rep. Dave Weldon's campaign about doing an interview so he can respond to his opponent, Dr. Bob Bowman (his interview is here). They've agreed, and hopefully I'll have that interview up sometime soon.

Rating: 2.3/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (4)
The NRO Code
Posted by Frank J. at 02:28 PM | Email This

Kevin Drum has made an interesting observation about the permalinks for posts in NRO's The Corner. I wonder if they're some sort of code? If they are, I want you to know that IMAO is against hidden codes in blogs.

Rating: 1.7/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 08:19 AM | Email This


1) (T/F) Principal Skinner's mom is named Agnes

2) Who dates Principal Skinner's mom?

3) What Springfield location is a place where logic takes a holiday and the laws of nature are meaningless?

4) Who is the Springfield School District psychiatrist?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.3/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (6) | Simpsons Trivia
October 13, 2006
The Definitive Iraq War Editorial
Posted by Frank J. at 07:41 PM | Email This

There have been so many opinions by so many people about the Iraq War, I've decided it's time that I right the definitive editorial summing things up. It will be up Monday, and should be the last word on the affair.

Have a fun weekend!

Rating: 2.6/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (7)
Air America - A Liberal Success Story
Posted by RightWingDuck at 10:54 AM | Email This

Chapter 1: It started with a vision by Al Franken. After being told repeatedly by his fans to "Blow it out your @ss." He realizes that he that he should. Air America is founded.

Chapter 2. Jean Garofalo is added when her profile matches all 47 fields of interest of Air America, as established by E-Harmony.com. Unofortunately, Jean has, as they say in the radio industry, a "voice for TV." In order to make her voice more appealing, everytime she talks, they also run the garbage disposal.

Chapter 3. Broadcast begins after a hostile take over of the All-Carribean music station.

Chapter 4. Air America denies any rumors that the network is on shaky financial ground. It then expands its frequency to include 17 local Jack In The Box Drive Thrus.

Chapter 5. In order to create a greater sense of community, Air America borrows several hundred thousand dollars from the Gloria Wise Boys and Girls club. Although they now lack after school supplies such as pencils and electricity, they are comforted to know they can turn on the battery powered radio and "listen to the short white man."

Chapter 6: Al Franken denies any rumors of wrong doing. He also reminds listeners that he's seen Brokeback Mountain 36 times.

Chapter 7: Al Franken writes a new book. "Can you loan me twenty dollars?"

Chapter 8: Air America denies any rumors of financial uncertaintly. In a show of solidarity, many of their employees decide to go without their regular paychecks.

Chapter 9: Air America loses half of its listernership when the local Jack In The Boxes decide to go with Muzak.

Chapter 10:. The liberal talk network announces that any rumors of their demise are rumors by the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy. They also maintain that they have fully repaid any money borrowed from boy and girl clubs and is sitting in an escrow account and no wewon'tsharethe accountnumberwith you, what's wrong with you - don' t you trust us?

Which leads us to the next chapter.

hmm. what is the next Chapter?

Oh Yeah.

Chapter 11. Air America files Chapter 11 bankruptcy.

Heh. Heh.

Rating: 2.7/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (28)
Friday Catblogging
Posted by Laurence Simon at 09:58 AM | Email This

Since it's Friday, I thought I'd spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka "I-MEOW").

All of the other IMAO bloggers are looking for black cats to catblog with, seeing as how this is Friday the Thirteenth and Halloween is approaching. But I'm willing to settle with a pumpkin-puss orange goofball of a cat so I can make the Friday Catblogging deadline.

Anyway, it's time for Nardo, buddy to all::

If you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Nardo is... um...

Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.

You can find more examples of Friday catblogging by searching a blog search engine such as Technorati for "catblogging."

You can also find a roundup of catblogging posts at The Friday Ark, located at The Modulator blog.

Then, when the weekend is nearly over, head over to The Carnival of the Cats for more kitty goodness.

There's also Flickr Groups called Furry Friday and Friday Catblogging.

Anybody I miss?

Rating: 2.5/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (10) | Friday Cat-Blogging
Posted by Laurence Simon at 09:52 AM | Email This

CRAWFORD, TX (IMAO) - Cindy Sheehan announces that she is a finalist for the National League 2006 Cy Young Award.

Rating: 2.5/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 08:03 AM | Email This


1) What old man is Abe's best friend?

2) Where are the kids going when the bus crashes into the ocean and they get stranded on an island?

3) Who tells Ralph Wiggum to burn things?

4) Who is the flower cart girl that Moe falls in love with?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.6/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (4) | Simpsons Trivia
October 12, 2006
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 03:41 PM | Email This

What's the worst thing about the U.N.?


Rating: 2.5/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (18) | Fun Trivia
In the Mail
Posted by Frank J. at 03:12 PM | Email This

I just got a copy of Robet Spencer's new book The Truth About Muhammad. While I am interested in finding good stories about Muslims, I can't ignore the possibility that Islam itself is a problem. If the fundamentals of Islam are good, as many assert, then Muslims can be won over by appealing to their religion. If not, we have to focus on appealing to their humanity.

BTW, Robert Spencer is on Hot Air today with his Jihad Watch.

Also, I've found Muslihoon to be a great blog for getting an inside look at Islam. Anyone know of some good blogs out there written by someone who is currently Muslim?

Rating: 2.1/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (11)
Nobel Appeasement Prize
Posted by Laurence Simon at 03:11 PM | Email This

In less than 24 hours, 5 Norwegians will announce the winner of the Nobel Peace Prize.

Just remember who won last year:

2005 : The prize was divided equally between: International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA) and its Director General Mohamed ElBaradei, Egypt, 1942 -

For their efforts to prevent nuclear energy from being used for military purposes and to ensure that nuclear energy for peaceful purposes is used in the safest possible way.

Nice going there in Pyongyang, jackass. It's going to be hard to top the irony this year, but...

Who do you think can top last year's appeasement-and-surrendermonger?

Rating: 2.0/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (18)
IMSO 629
Posted by Frank J. at 11:55 AM | Email This


Rating: 2.2/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (42)
A Ducky Editorial: In Praise of Madonna
Posted by RightWingDuck at 11:03 AM | Email This

This may sound strange to state, but I have to agree with Madonna and her recent decision to adopt a young, dark child. It's not that I don't like Madonna. Afterall, I do appreciate her sacrifice on the cross. A sacrifice she makes at her concerts several times a week, twice on Saturdays. It's just that she's always so darn preachy.

Well, now I'm on board with the program. That's why I say we should all follow Madonna's example of lovingness. Yes, we should all travel to foreign countries, find poor families, and take away their children.

This young boy did not have a mother but he did have a father. I'm not sure how this qualifies as being an orphan, but who am I to judge the ways of these weird third world countries.

But sweeping a young man away from his father and taking him to live with a rich, white singer is the right thing to do in most cases (the exception being the Britney Rule.) If this catches on, maybe one day we can bring this program to America. I can just envision rich white couples cruising the streets of Harlem saying, " Ooooh. I want that one."

Anyway, I commend Madonna and her actions. So if you know somebody who is poor and struggling, maybe you too can come and take away their kids. It's really for the best. Poor people tend to grow up without money, and that's bad for the economy. Not only that, but they also tend to vote Democrat. This leads to a vicious cycle of being poor and stupid, poor and stupid. Many stay in that horrible cycle for decades. Some break out by discovering acting.

Remember: You too can make a difference.

Disclaimer: RightWingDuck is not up for adoption but does accept donations. Neither RWD nor IMAO endorse the snatching of kids and recommend that all kid snatching be done through appropriate channels such as adoption agencies and Mark Foley's office.

Rating: 2.5/5 (26 votes cast)

Comments (26) | Best of IMAO 2006 ~ | Editorials
Frank Discussions: Dr. Bob Bowman
Posted by Frank J. at 09:35 AM | Email This

Democrat Dr. Bob Bowman, a Vietnam combat veteran, is running in my district, Florida District 15, for Congress against Republican Rep. Dave Weldon who has served at the Space Coast's representative since 1994. Dave Weldon won his last reelection with 65% of the vote and seems to not be expecting much of challenge, but recent event have shaken things up, including the scandal involving another Florida Congressman, Mark Foley.

Dr. Bob Bowman recently got a bit of notice in the blogosphere for his views on government complicity in 9/11, and I decided to request an interview. He accepted, and I sent him some questions through e-mail. A request for an interview with Rep. Dave Weldon was unanswered by his campaign staff.

Here's the interview:

Q. You state that there is mounting evidence of the U.S. government's complicity in 9/11. What do you think is the most compelling evidence of this?

A. Lack of intercept and the fall of WTC 7.

Q. You've said before that you think Vice President Dick Cheney is a key suspect as the architect of the 9/11 attack. What do you think he had to gain?

A. I said (in an answer to a hypothetical question) that IF someone in our government was involved, the key suspect would be Cheney because of his role in running the exercises which masked the "hijacked" airliners. He, along with Wolfowitz, Libby, Perle, Feith, Rumsfeld, etc., put forth the PNAC document which planned the occupation of Iraq in 2000. They saw Iraq as key to military control of the entire Middle East and perhaps ten trillion dollars worth of oil and gas. Cheney has already gained many millions through his Halliburton stock options from the Iraq War justified by 9/11.

Q. One position you've written on your website is that, if the CIA cannot be reformed, it should be abolished. Don't you think that will be a tough sell with terrorism still an important issue to many Americans?

A. We would not be the target of terrorists if we didn't have a foreign policy which uses military power to subdue third world countries so our multinational corporations can steal their resources. The intelligence analysts at the CIA are actually quite good. They were right in saying that Iraq was no threat and had no weapons of mass destruction. They were not listened to. But the "dirty tricks" side of the CIA has been responsible for millions of deaths. Yes, it will be a hard sell because so many Americans have swallowed the phony War on Terror. I propose it because it's right, not because it's easy.

Q. I had never heard about video games being used to decondition recruits from a reluctance to kill. Are these regular video games being commercially sold or special training simulators made by the military?

At first they were all regular commercial video games. I think the military has made some of their own now.

Q. When you refer to the "rape of Yugoslavia" on your campaign site, what do you mean?

The dismantling of Yugoslavia ordered by George H. W. Bush and completed by Clinton with 70 days of bombing of Kosovo in violation of the War Powers Act and the Constitution. I've written extensive articles on this. See, for example, the Kosovo article on www.rmbowman.com/ssn.

Q. You state on your site "If I were President, I would pardon thousands of nonviolent offenders and political prisoners." Who are the political prisoners you refer to?

Leonard Peltier and Mumia Abu Jamal for starters.

Q. What do you consider to be the biggest threat to our nation right now?

The fascist regime of George W. Bush.

Q. Your running in what's considered a very safe district for Republicans. Are you just trying to make a point, or do you think you can win?

A. I intend to win, and to win big.

Q. Why do you think Dave Weldon doesn't deserve reelection?

A. He is merely a rubber stamp for the Bush Administration. He votes against the interest of the people of this country regularly. His voting record is rated as absolute zero by such groups as the Disabled American Veterans and the Association for Retired Americans.

Q. In closing, do you have a message for our nation's youth?

A. We need a government which serves the needs of the people, not their own financial interests. Go to www.Bowman2006.com and read my Vision for America. We can have such a nation if we work together and take back our country. Study the issues, then register and vote. You are our future.

Rating: 2.3/5 (34 votes cast)

Comments (54) | Frank Discussions
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 07:39 AM | Email This


1) What stuffed animal does Mr. Burns have in his office?

2) Who usually wears suspenders at the power plant?

3) What platoon was Abe Simpson in charge of during WWII?

4) What Springfield fast-food restaurant is named after a famous writer?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.1/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (9) | Simpsons Trivia
October 11, 2006
Here's Some Perspective, Tubby!
Posted by Frank J. at 07:23 PM | Email This

Don't you wish more politicans responded to criticism like this. Almost sounds like a blogger.

Rating: 2.2/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (11)
In My World: Nuclear Dong
Posted by Frank J. at 12:54 PM | Email This

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice ran into the Oval Office. "North Korea has gone nuclear!"

President Bush shrugged his shoulders. "So?"

Condi walked over to a map of the world on the wall. She pointed to one spot. "Here's North Korea." She then pointed to America. "Here's us."

Bush leaped out of his chair. "We're on the same map! We have to do something!"

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld barged into the office. "I hear North Korea did a nuclear test! We must immediately attack Iran!"

"Aww! Not another Middle Eastern war!" Bush said. "We have enough of those."

"It would ensure your place in the history books as the President with the most wars ever," Condi said.

Bush sat back down. "I don't want to be in the history books. I just took this job so my father wouldn't think I'm a loser."

The phone rang. Bush answered, and, on the other end, George H. W. Bush shouted, "You're a loser!" and hung up.

Bush set the phone down. "Aww... it didn't work." He looked to Condi. "So, what are the North Koreans going to do with their nukes?"

"Well, they released this statement." Condi held up a piece of paper and read:

"Test of nuclear explosive super lucky good. North Korea now great super power number one because of fabulous Kim Jong Il. He got eleven holes in one first time he played golf. He super great and not goofy looking at all. Kim Jong Il very sexy and make all women horny. North Korea nuclear power with Kim Jong Il very fearsome and more powerful than fourteen dragons."

Bush thought about that. "Well, that could mean anything!"

Rumsfeld pounded Bush's desk. "We need to kill that poofy-haired freak!"

"That's your solution to everything. Last night when we were playing Scrabble and couldn't find the die, you said we should murder Kim Jong Il."

"There's no die in Scrabble," Condi said.

"Let's not have this argument again!" Bush yelled, pointing at her ferociously.

Condi rolled her eyes. "Anyway, from the size of the blast, we're not even sure North Korea was successful in setting off a nuclear explosive."

"Well, what does intelligence think?" Bush looked to a man wearing a black suit and sunglasses who was standing in the background. "Clancy, you're my intelligence guy. Did North Korea make a real nuclear blast?"

"That's classified."

"Classified classified... or it will be in tomorrow's New York Times classified?"

Clancy adjusted his black tie. "I can't answer that."

"What if I ask nicely?"

"I can neither confirm nor deny whether that technique will cause me to give you the information."

Bush rubbed his chin. "By asking nicely, I could get the information," he thought out loud, "or I could just be wasting my time. Well, I can't take that risk." He looked to Condi. "I'm off to the U.N. to see if we can do sanctions against North Korea to teach them they are a bad bad country."

"The U.N.?!" Condi exclaimed. "They suck!"

"Rarr! I want to bomb the U.N.!" Rumsfeld yelled. "I want to kill them and all of their sympathizers!"

Bush stood up. "No! We go to the U.N., wait for them to completely bungle this, and then we start bombing. That's how civilized people do things!" He then threw his stapler through the window to signal the conversation was over.

* * * *

"Where big nukey boom boom?" Kim Jong Il demanded. "There was supposed to be big nukey boom boom!"

"I'm afraid the test was a failure," Jong's aide said.

"What! But I need big nukey boom boom for new Taepo Dong missile! I need it for big powerful dong! Dong! Dong! Dong!"

"Please stop saying 'dong'. We'll get working on a new test."

"Make big nukey boom boom! Big nukey boom boom for my dong! They shall know I am powerful!" Jong looked around and shouted, "Where's my hairdresser? I need my hair bigger and poofier! Need hair so big that I tower over all others! They shall all fear Kim Jong Il! They shall shake in fear before my giant poofy hair! Then I'll show them my dong, and they will flee in terror! Hee hee hee!"

* * * *

"It’s the 'stache!" Bush said as he entered into the U.N. chamber and sat next to Ambassador John Bolton. "I've heard a lot of U.N. members complain you're not respecting this place."

His powerful mustache bristled. "It deserves no respect."

"Okay, but can you at least refrain from urinating in the auditorium... especially on other U.N. members?"


Bush shrugged. "Well, I tried."

Bolton looked around. "Where's my pen?"

At the podium, President Vincente Fox began speaking. "The U.S. plans to make a fence along our border, and we think this is very bad. First of all, they have no right. Second of all, if the fence keeps out my citizens, who will pick their beans? Thirdly..."

Bolton glared at Fox and noticed a blue pen in his pocket. Bolton stood up and pointed at Fox. "That thieving Mexican stole my pen!" Bolton then charged the podium, knocking over tables and chairs and world leaders in the process. He then leaped at Fox.

"Aye carumba!"

As Bolton pinned Fox to the ground and proceeded to pummel him, Bush took the podium. "Since the floor is open, I just thought I'd say that North Korea having nuclear weapons is very bad. Kim Jong Il is a short little pot-bellied, poofy-haired dingus, and that's exactly the sort of person who shouldn't have the ability to blow lots of stuff up. I hope you'll all help me in enacting sanctions against them. If you do, I'll order pizza for everybody... maybe even breadstick too. We got a deal?"

"No!" shouted the Chinese ambassador.


"Because, we're... well... Communists and evil."

"Oh, okay." Bush said. "But everyone else is for it, right? And when I mean everyone, I mean the countries that aren't small and dinky and stupid."

"We're against sanctions too," the Russian ambassador said.

"What? I thought you guys weren't evil anymore."

"No. We tried not being evil, but it didn't work out for us. So we're evil still, and we're against sanctions."

"This is useless," Bush said. "We need to--"

"You've spoken long enough," Kofi Annan said. "Many other people here would like the floor to express their hatred of Jews, so why don't--"

Bolton smashed a chair into the back of Kofi's head. He then unzipped his fly. "I need to pee."

Bush fled for the exit. "I'm outta here."

* * * *

Kim Jong Il walked into the nuclear test room with his extra poofy hair adding nearly two feet to his height. "Now I tall! Everyone fear me! With big nukey boom boom, everyone will fear my dong as well! Dong! Dong! Dong!"

"Stop saying 'dong', and we'll start the new test," the aide said.

Jong rubbed his grubby little hands together. "Yes! Now we will have big nukey boom boom!"

Suddenly, there was lots of clawing and screeching all around them.

"What is that?" Jong demanded. Then his face went white with terror. "Someone protect my dong!"

* * * *

"We need a plan of action!" Bush exclaimed.

"We're going to send in all our available Marines and take out that freak Kim Jong Il," Rumsfeld said. "Buck the Marine, you ready?"

Buck looked around. "Uh... where are the other Marines?"

"You're the only one available." Rumsfeld said. "So get ready to go into North Korea, kill Kim Jong Il, and set off all the nuclear bombs."

"You might want to run away before they go off," Bush suggested. "Oh, and one more thing, on your way out, head through South Korea and then get some surveillance of their animators. I want to get a special preview of the upcoming Simpsons movie!"

"Uh... while I appreciate that you have such confidence in me to keep sending me on these solo missions," Buck said, "my training really is more squad based... you know, where there a group of us looking out for each other's back."

"That sounds like whining!" Bush yelled. "And how many wars did whining ever win?"

"There was this French one--"

"No wars! I was in the Vietnam War, and, because of all the whining, we lost that one!"

"I thought you were in the States for that?"

Bush pounded his desk. "And no part of the U.S. fell to the Vietnamese! Now, you go invade North Korea and don't whine about it!"

Condi ran into the room. "Something weird has happened! The North Koreans were going to do another test, but something stopped them. And then we got this tape!"

"You can't fool me!" Bush said, pointing at what was in Condi's hand. "That's a DVD!"

"Whatever." Condi put in the DVD player.

"Will it have 5.1 surround sound?" Bush asked.

"I don't know!" Condi hit play.

On screen was a monkey jumping around and screeching. "Yay! This movie has a monkey!" Bush laughed and clapped his hands. "Movie funny!" He then noticed something. "What's that behind the monkey?"

"It's a North Korean nuclear weapon!" Condi exclaimed.

"Oh no!" Bush yelled as he stared at the now very threatening monkey who was screeching and pointing at the screen. "The monkeys have the bomb!" He put his head in his hands. "I'm the worst President ever."

Condi patted him on the back. "Pretty much."


Rating: 2.5/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (22) | In My World
Wild Bill Interview
Posted by spacemonkey at 11:54 AM | Email This

Wild Bill, the writer at Passionate America and past host of The Carnival of Comedy, was recently a newsbreaker. He and another blogger, Ms. Underestimated, researched and released the name of one of the alegedly underaged Foleygate interns. Their investigtion, contained in this heavily linked post revealed this particular intern was neither underage nor an intern at the time the released IM's, which are disgusting, were made. This resulted in Mr Bill being interviewed on a number of media outlets. I caught up with Wild Bill in the middle of the chaos. When I realized this was a somebody who was a former nobody to whom I probably appear to be a somebody I decided to interview him and completely un-euphemistically grab the coattails of his sudden rise to fame.

A Spacemonkey Interview with Wild Bill Kerr (incidentally through an IM interface.)
[The following interview was lightly edited for humor, and to correct some of my misssplllellings]


Rating: 2.7/5 (27 votes cast)

Comments (8) | Frank Discussions
The Past Carnival Has Been UP!
Posted by spacemonkey at 10:28 AM | Email This

The Y factor hosts this past week's carnival of comedy

Sorry for neglecting to link it.

Rating: 2.5/5 (22 votes cast)

| Why Me Laugh?
Fun Facts About Ohio
Posted by Harvey at 09:53 AM | Email This

While the IMAO podcast HAS returned, I'm still going to keep posting the latest uncut Fun Facts About The 50 States - hopefully on a weekly schedule. Figure by the time it shows up in a podcast, you'll have forgotten all the jokes anyway.

(continued in extended entry)


Rating: 2.6/5 (53 votes cast)

Comments (11) | Fun Trivia
Poll Dancing
Posted by Frank J. at 08:40 AM | Email This

Another Straw Poll! Yay!


Results for IMAO readers here.

Once again, I will punch anyone in their dumb monkey face who votes for Hagel.

Rating: 2.5/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (12)
Posted by Frank J. at 08:35 AM | Email This

Bob Owens of Confederate Yankee is having a Blegburst so he can get a new computer and keep blogging. I like this precedent, because it doesn't seem that unlikely that one day I'll have to do a money bleg (before I become super-rich, that is).

Rating: 2.5/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (1)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 07:26 AM | Email This


1) Who is Springfield's armed robber?

2) What do the Movementarians call the leader of their sect?

3) Who's the little kid that's always just about to throw up?

4) What two poor little orphans give the Simpsons their vitamin money?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.8/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Simpsons Trivia
IMAO birthdays
Posted by sarahk at 07:07 AM | Email This

I think it was Lair's birthday yesterday.

And we missed Spacemonkey's like 12 days ago, 9/29.


Rating: 3.1/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (8)
October 10, 2006
Rook At Me!
Posted by spacemonkey at 06:49 PM | Email This


Rating: 2.3/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (16)
Posted by spacemonkey at 05:39 PM | Email This

Pajamas Media is having a contest/survey to see which is a better term for folks who align themselves with neither the Republicans or the Democrats. Currently the group is called x21 which is not very catchy and sounds more like a vitamin the Cylons would have to take to keep their spine nice and red-glowy. So one can easily see they need a new name. The submitted ones in the contest are:

PHI (Politically Hybrid Individuals)

Which mostly sound like they are Democrat outcasts, what with all the 'crats and general envirowienie-ness . I'm not entirely sure this is the case. However, If I were interested in winning the Pajamas Media logo-emblazoned pajamas I'd have entered the following:

  • Fencitarians - Does barbed wire make a comfy seat?
  • Middlerodans - That's where most people that get run over, get run over.
  • The For-gainst - We like it, we hate, we hike it ,we late it!
  • Vaguens - Our postion is mpflflmmfmthph, did you get that?
  • Windblosers (long o) - We use meteor-o-logic to figure out what to do.

That's the best I could come up with. What would you call them?

Rating: 2.3/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (37)
IMAO Podcast - Build Your Own Candidate
Posted by sarahk at 03:34 PM | Email This

Batteries not included.

Hooray! We came back for a second week in a row! This week in the IMAO Podcast:

We tell you about our ideal political candidates - now quick, someone build one while there's still enough fuel!
Harvey has Fun Facts about Minnesota! Really, Harvey, I had no idea about those parkas! Noted.
Lair tries to tell a CrappyCreepy Bedtime Story...
SarahK discusses the new Battlestar Galactica politics!
Frank tells you all you need to know about elections, and angers his wife in the process!
and more!

So go download it now and tell your friends. Seriously. Or we'll stop doing them again. :-)


Rating: 2.6/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (10) | IMAO for the Non-Deaf
Music hunting
Posted by Laurence Simon at 02:50 PM | Email This

Last night, my wife and I went on a shopping adventure in the Galleria-Post Oak area of the city, looking for Jean Michel-Jarre and Michael Oldfield CDs to replace the ones I've allowed to get scratched well before I got my lifetime's listening enjoyment out of them (or get them ripped into MP3 format).

Best Buy had "Tubular Bells" and no Jarre.
Barnes and Nobles had "Magnetic Fields" and the compilations, but no Oldfield.

So I do my usual and pop into Amazon this morning, and sure enough, everything is there. From one end of the discography to well after each jumped the shark.


Rating: 2.2/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Just Joking - the Book
Posted by RightWingDuck at 02:09 PM | Email This

I'm tired of you stupid neocons always flying off the handle just because somebody cracks a joke about killing President Bush. Killing President Bush is a perfectly acceptable premise for a joke, a movie, or a party platform.

We at IMAO recognize the genius comic abilities of The Democratic Left. Recently, John F. Kerry joked about killing Presdient Bush. I'm not sure if he was for the killing before he was against it, but I'm sure he'll change his mind eventually.

Since many of you don't have time to appreciate the Left's humor, probably because you're huddled in a closet afraid someone will expose you as homosexual, I thought I'd share some high quality humor with you. Besides, you can't spend your time listening to nothing but right wing humor.


Rating: 2.3/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (17)
Posted by Frank J. at 01:48 PM | Email This

Here's Jonah Goldberg's take on the politics of the Battlestar Gallatica season premiere (he needs lots of hits so he can start a BSG blog at NRO which I can then take over when I steal his job). SarahK will have her own thoughts on the subject when the next IMAO Podcast comes out later today.

BTW, for those of you in IMSO (the secret wing of IMAO), you should have gotten an important e-mail from me today.

Rating: 2.5/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (3)
Friday Scary Evil Monkey Caption Contest Winner
Posted by Frank J. at 12:52 PM | Email This

For the caption contest from Friday, the winning entry is...


Rating: 2.3/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Democrat's to Our Nation's Enemies: Fear Us!
Posted by Frank J. at 10:47 AM | Email This

With terrorism still on the loose and North Korea setting off nukes (or, at least, trying to), the Democrats have figured this is the time to go to the right of the Bush administration and show the American public that they are the only ones with the ability to intimidate America's enemies. Just look at this campaign e-mail I got from the DNC:


While terrorists, Iran, and North Korea are walking all over President Bush and the Republicans, the Democrats have what it takes to strike fear in the hearts of those who would do us harm. Just listen to soon to be Senator from Connecticut Ned Lamont:


Rating: 2.1/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (17)
Give the butcher what he wants
Posted by Laurence Simon at 10:47 AM | Email This

Sure, Saddam got tossed out of the courtroom once again, making the arrest of the genocidal madman asp aopposed to shooting him and filling in his spider-hole seem like a huge mistake in retrospect. But of all the outbursts, a dollop of wisdom from one of his co-defendants:

A third defendant, Ali Hassan al-Majid, declared: "I want to see the sentence passed now. I wish to be executed and finish with this court."

No, really, why not go Caecescu on his ass? Or let him self-medicate like Milosevic did?

Or is someone filming a reality show starring these guys for Al-Jazeerah or something?

Rating: 3.0/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (4)
Guess the Quote
Posted by Harvey at 10:05 AM | Email This

"It's a waste of energy away from things that do matter which is poverty, death, disease, the planet itself and fixing things in our own homes rather than fighting wars with others."

Is this:

A) A sane Imam exhorting his Muslim brethren to lay down their arms and follow a more civilized path.


B) Oliver Stone Bush-Bashing.

Click here for answer.


Rating: 1.8/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Question of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 09:46 AM | Email This

If North Korea's bomb really was a dud, should we still enact sanctions against them or should we just point and laugh at them and call them names?

I vote the latter because that sounds like more fun. What do you think?

Rating: 2.2/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (16)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 08:06 AM | Email This


1) What is the name of Krusty's monkey?

2) What did Dr. Marvin Monroe keep in his gun cabinet?

3) In "Bart the Fink", what kind of bank checks does Bart get?

4) Troy McClure says that as an actor, his eyeballs need to look what?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.4/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (3) | Simpsons Trivia
dum stoopid bush no stop nukey boom boom!
Posted by Scary Evil Monkey at 07:36 AM | Email This

useless dum stoopid bush! hee only care fight for oil and now u face nukey boom boom of north korea! i bet big boom boom made u dum stoopid neocon jues pee ur pants! dat mak me laff! HAHAHAHAHHAAHHA!!!

poor dum stoopids. u scared now dat u no ur masteer bush cant protect u. oh poor poor dum stoopids. i and my monkey freends hav sumting for u... OUR POO! WE THROW IT AT U!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!

u cant stop nukey boom boom and u cant stop mee an all my monkey freends! u ar all DOOOMED!!! u run to ur masteer bush but hee as useless as dee rest of u dum stoopid heelbilly homo neocon jues! say goodbye too all dee repugs in november and den say hello as all of my monkey freends take over AND THROW OUR POO AT U!!!!


Rating: 2.4/5 (25 votes cast)

Comments (10) | Scary Evil Monkey
October 09, 2006
Fun with Podcasting
Posted by sarahk at 08:45 PM | Email This

This is what happens when Frank J. and SarahK sit down to record stuff together. Frank just doesn't know how to be serious.

Bad Frank.


Rating: 2.7/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (3) | IMAO for the Non-Deaf
Uhhhh.... This can't be good
Posted by sarahk at 06:05 PM | Email This

Syria going to attack Israel?

Ok, so let's recap. President Nutjob says Death to America 100 times a day and wants nukes.
North Korea had an advertisement late last night: "Hey, Mahmoud, you see we have nuke! You want buy nuke? We make good deal!"
Now Syria is preparing its people for war.

Big things are happening.


Rating: 2.7/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (11)
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 05:11 PM | Email This

What will be the U.S.'s likely response to Kim Jong Il now that he's done a nuclear test?


Rating: 2.4/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (8) | Fun Trivia
The Only Effective Compromise to End Our Illegal Immigration Problem Is to Destroy Mexico
An Editorial by Frank J.
Posted by Frank J. at 12:27 PM | Email This

 The United States of America has a huge problem with illegal immigration. Many say this is the fault of America for being so super awesome that everyone wants in. This is a valid criticism. The current proposal to handle the problem is to build a wall along the Mexican border. Of course, natural selection means we'll then cause a new breed of super-Mexicans to evolve and jump over the wall. They will not only do the jobs Americans are unwilling to do, they will do the jobs we are physically incapable of. So, what is the solution? Some say we should deport all the illegal immigrants here now, but there are millions making that infeasible. Others say we should let anyone in who wants to be here, but then we lose our border and finally our sovereignty and national security. The only real compromise I can see is to destroy all of Mexico.

"Isn't destroying Mexico the same thing as amnesty?"

 I know many of you are thinking "Isn't destroying Mexico the same thing as amnesty?" Since Mexicans in our country would now have no where to be deported to, they would effectively get amnesty. But, we could be sure they will be loyal to America since they have no other country to be loyal to. Why do marches with a flag of a non-existent country? Also, having utterly destroyed Mexico leaving nothing but murky water filled with radioactive sharks, we could be sure no more illegal immigration will come from the south. Thus, both sides get something they want: the pro-illegal immigration is assured that Mexicans who came here just to better their families get to stay, and the anti-illegal-immigration people get to know that no more dirty Mexicans will be flowing into the country.

 You're probably now wondering how much will this innovative solution cost? Well, the cost of the nuclear weapons needed to completely obliterate Mexico will be more than the cost of the wall, but, those are resources we own now and have already paid for. Others, especially illegal-alien sympathizers, may worry how many innocent Mexicans will die because of this. The answer is none, because no Mexicans are innocent in my mind. Still, we will give Mexico warning, and station our troops on our border so the Mexicans are forced to flee to Venezuela... or whatever is south of them. Check a map yourself, I'm busy.

 Now, unfortunately, this solution will not work for any border problems we have with Canada. While Mexico only produces burritos and tequila Mexican alcohol and clay pots - things we can get plenty of here in America - Canada has oil, something we can never have too much of. Instead, we'll simply have to intimidate them into bowing to our will. I suggest bombing their places of worship - maples trees and hockey rinks - until they surrender. Many of them are French, so surrender is in their blood and they've probably been dying to capitulate to us for years.

 Thus, we see the solution to our problem of illegal immigration is as simple as bombing the crap out of one of our neighbors. This compromise will let hard working Mexicans stay with no worries of being deported while making sure we no longer have anymore influx of illegals. Thus, everyone is happy, and, as with all my plans, there is no downside. So write your Congressman and let's get a bipartisan commission working on this right away.

Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as "How Many Countries Is Too Many?" and "The History of the Burrito: How the Tortilla Wrapped Delicacy Was Stolen from the Irish by Thieving Mexicans and How the Irish Forgot About It Due to Heavy Drinking".

Rating: 2.8/5 (27 votes cast)

Comments (29) | Editorials
Officer and a Foo'
Posted by Frank J. at 11:13 AM | Email This

Sgt. Joe foo' the Marine left this weekend for OCS (he had to miss the season premiere of Battlestar Gallatica, for which he was very upset; I blurted out that I'll buy him it when it comes out on DVD... but do you know how much they make you pay for ten episodes?). He worked hard to get accepted into OCS (he's a bit old for it, his getting in it having been delayed by his deployment to Iraq), but he still has a lot of work ahead of him. Most don't make it through to become a commissioned officer. Still, Joe has been a Marine for eight years now, and, despite being a foo', he's pretty smart and should do well. Still, keep him in your prayers.

BTW, he's been spoiling for a fight with the Norks since he first joined the Marines.

Also, Patriot Xeno is part of the same OCS class. Godspeed to them both.

Rating: 2.3/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (4)
North Korean Nuclear Explosive Test FAQ
Posted by Frank J. at 09:37 AM | Email This

Q. Why is this a big deal? We've had nuclear weapons since the forties. What's next? The North Koreans getting the microwave?

A. Let's not underestimate this. While nuclear weapons go back a very long time, the speculation on their popularity was vastly overblown, as none of the predictions of every American flying around in his own personal helicopter armed with nuclear bombs ever came true.

Q. So, should we panic? I'm due for a good panic.

A. Sure. Go ahead.

Q. Aieeeeeeeeee! Game over, man! Game over! What are we going to do, man? What are we going to do?

A. We'll probably enact sanctions.

Q. And that stops a nuclear explosion how?

A. Once the country is hit by a nuclear attack, it allows us to say, "Hey, we tried." The only thing worst than a nuclear holocaust is a nuclear holocaust where you didn't even impotently try sanctions to stop it.

Q. How can we be sure North Korea really set off a nuclear explosion? The explosion was only equivalent to 550 tons of TNT, and Bob Owens thinks they could have used conventional explosives to do that. Is he crazy?

A. Absolutely. Where in the world would North Korea get that much TNT? Dynamite R Us? That place has, at most, a half a ton of TNT in stock at a time. If you do the math, that means the North Koreans would have to visit at least six dynamite stories, driving all over North Korea to find them. Perhaps now you get an idea of how infeasible that would be.

Q. The Russians say the explosion was 5 to 15 kilotons.

A. The Russians say lots of things, and they also use the number three as a letter. Bunch of goofballs, the whole lot of them.

Q. So, are the North Koreans crazy enough to use their nuclear weapons? I mean, their leader is this short, weirdo with a potbelly and poofy hair. The guy is practically a carnival freak.

A. Hey! Don't provoke him, fool! He has nuclear weapons!

Q. So, is that it? Is he going to nuke me dead?

A. Possibly... if you're visiting Japan and the North Korean missiles work perfectly. The much more likely target is the ocean between North Korean and Japan.

Q. He can't keep his Dong up, am I right?

A. Huh?

Q. It was a joke. See, the North Korean missile names all has the word "dong" in it, and that is often used as a synonym for...

A. Well, I'm glad that while we're all threatened with nuclear death, you can make jokes. We here at IMAO are against all jokes.

Q. I know, I come here everyday. Anyway, if their missiles won't work, what about the possibility of a nuclear weapon being strapped to a North Korean ninja who could then sneak into America with his ninja skills?

A. Nuclear ninjas? Bah.

Q. But they also know kung fu.

A. Well, it sounds like a job for Batman.

Q. I was thinking Chuck Norris.

A. Either or. Anyway, I hear Homeland Security is well aware of the nuclear ninja threat, and will shoot on site anyone dressed all in black.

Q. Won't that cause a lot of innocent Goths to be shot?

A. Yeah. So?

Q. Well... it's just... forget it. So, isn't this a failure of the Bush administration?

A. Isn't everything?

Q. I'm serious! He was all focused on Iraq and it's non-existent WMDs, and now North Korea has actual working nuclear weapons.

A. What were we supposed to do? Invade them? What would we have to gain? They have no oil for us to steal, and we already have plenty of nuclear weapons of our own, so why would we want theirs?

Q. It's more than that! I hear the Koreans eat dogs. We have to stop that!

A. That's a cultural thing.

Q. But it's just like cannibalism... except, instead of eating people, they eat dogs!

A. The U.S. government won't even stop Glenn Reynolds from making puppy smoothies, so I wouldn't expect action against North Korea.

Q. I question the timing of this nuclear test.

A. Of course you do, you moonbat.

Q. Well, how do you think this will effect the election?

A. While the Democrats can play this up as a Bush failure, if Americans feel there is an actual big international threat out there, people aren't going to look for protection among a bunch of whiny Democrats who all had silicon testes implants to pretend they actually have balls.

Q. Some Democrats do have testicles!

A. Maybe Hillary.

Q. This is stupid. I want more info about the Mark Foley scandal!

A. I'm sure the MSM will prioritize towards that as soon as they can.

Q. What does a dog taste like?

A. If you're really curious, e-mail Glenn Reynolds. Now, have a happy, radioactive day.

Rating: 2.2/5 (35 votes cast)

Comments (11) | Know Thy Enemy
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 08:49 AM | Email This


1) (T/F) Ralph is Chief Wiggum's son.

2) Who owns the Springfield doorbell shop?

3) Homer goes into space with which real-life astronaut?

4) In "Das Bus", what bites Bart on the butt?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.2/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (3) | Simpsons Trivia
October 08, 2006
Nork Nukes
Posted by Laurence Simon at 11:11 PM | Email This

Q: Now that North Korea has successfully tested a nuclear weapon, what will happen next?


Rating: 2.3/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (12)
Those Wiki-Weenies...
Posted by Frank J. at 02:26 PM | Email This

Uncle Jimbo of Blackfive is trying to get a Wikipedia entry, but it's up for deletion, of course. A lot of the weenies there seem to just not like bloggers. Even if someone is a newsmaker, they seem to put a larger standard to prove if someone is Wiki-worthy if that person is best known for blogging. I guess they're afraid if they allow more entries on bloggers, soon every blogger will get an entry and leave little room for articles about the supporting characters in NES videogames.

The way Wikipedia is heading, it's a great place for information on anime and 80's cartoons, but if you want information on current newsmakers, you should look elsewhere.

For your Sunday reading pleasure, here's a very detailed entry on Bumblebee from the Transformers.



I got yelled at on Wikipedia for calling one of the people there "retarded". I guess I'm only supposed to allude to someone being retarded to keep deocorum.

Should have known these types would be overly-sensitive...

Rating: 2.8/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (12)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 08:05 AM | Email This


1) (T/F) Bitey is the dog character added to the Itchy & Scratchy song

2) To Lisa's horror, Homer breaks the 8th commandment by stealing what?

3) From where do the Simpsons buy an RV?

4) Where did Marge and Homer first get married?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.5/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (2) | Simpsons Trivia
Posted by RightWingDuck at 12:15 AM | Email This

Dont you hate it when innocent Canadian soldiers are mistaken for our baby killing American ones? It happens all the time - especially when you're a Democrat. Michelle Malkin bring out attention to this issue. A DNC picture implores us to support our troops, unlike those evil Republicans.

However, there's only one problem. The picture show doesn't appear to be an AMERICAN soldier at all.

To be honest, the DNC could have done worse. Here are some of the images they reject, not because they were inaccurate, but because of bad lighting.

This picture was too small. But many Democrats liked it because they were big fans of Fantasy Island.

This Muslim American soldier would have been perfect, especially during Ramadan. However, they were unable to get a Media Release signed as they were unable to find the handsome young American devil.

This one would have been good. They weren't sure though if this lady was a soldier or sailor. Servicemen recognize their own, unfortunately, Paris was nowhere near any sea men.

This one was too bright. Otherwise, they would have enjoyed using the statement: Mr. F. Hydrant served in Iraq and now states that there's no way out for our troops. Also, that you should always park ten feet away from him.

All in all, I have to say that the DNC chose a picture that was a fair representation of Americans. So let us all treat them just a bit nicer.

Rating: 2.7/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (17)
October 07, 2006
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 08:10 AM | Email This


1) (T/F) Krusty the Clown's sidekick Sideshow Bob was sent to prison.

2) What song would Homer's mom sing him to sleep with?

3) What is Bart's middle name?

4) What is Kent Brockman's real name?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.1/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Simpsons Trivia
October 06, 2006
Battlestar Gallatica Season Priemere Talkback
Posted by Frank J. at 11:36 PM | Email This

Still the best series on TV or now a dumb Iraq allegory?

I lean towards the former but can see hints of the latter.

I thought the parts with Starbuck were a bit boring compared to the rest (though maybe not boring on their own right), but otherwise... wow.



Rating: 2.6/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (36)
Mr. Imam, Tear Down That Veil!
Posted by RightWingDuck at 10:50 PM | Email This

Michelle Malkin, my favorite little Firecracker blogger, has a story that has me so upset I’ve put away my Top Ten lists of Mark Foley and the clues we should have seen. Yes, it’s THAT BAD! I’m disgusted by what I see these days – or more accurately, what I don’t see. The faces of Muslim women. Why? Veils.

Michelle posted a piece where some people, or as they are called in journalistic circles, youths – have become offended that Mr. Jack Straw, a British something or other, has asked Muslim women to stop wearing their veils because it’s 'demeaning.'

Many women in Iran for example wear the burqua. A long one piece sheet that covers Middle Eastern Women from head to toe and makes them look like big purple or blue versions of Cousin It from the Addams Family.

Normally, I’m very sensitive to the needs of others and very respectful of opinions that differ from my own. Just the other day I answered my front door to see the weirdest of all religions standing on my porch – Scientologists. It was a hot day so I said “Can I get you anything for your head? A hat? Some fresh tin foil?” Because that’s the kind of duck I am.

However, in this case, I have to call on the resignation of all Muslim Imams for making women wear these stupid Human Slipcovers. If we don’t put a stop to this soon, one day we’ll see these women covering their forearms with little doilies. Who knows where this will end.

Muslim woman: Man of mine. You are balancing a mug of hot tea upon my head!

Muslim man: Woman, it is my right!

Muslim woman: How many times have I told you – use a coaster!!

Then it would get worse...

Door bell rings

Muslim Man: Woman, there are Scientologists at our front door.

Muslim woman: No - don't let them jump on me!!!


You might be asking yourself, “Ducky, you’re not Muslim. What say do you have in this?”

Well, by the same logic that had Muslims demanding the resignation of the Pope when he concluded, for some amazing reason, that Muslims had a propensity for violence. Or rather, somebody he quoted was quoting somebody who said that. I don’t know, I couldn’t make out what he said over all that rioting.

Normally, I would call for the death of all Imams, however, Imams who call Muslims to wage Jihad and kill all non believers are still an interesting source of entertainment.

So I’ll just say this: Mr. Imams – Tear Down That Veil.

Thank you. I have to go, There are a couple of slipcovers knocking on my front door.

Rating: 2.3/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (7)
Now these are going to be some seriously crappy bedtime stories...
Posted by Laurence Simon at 04:42 PM | Email This

Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Terrell Owens is writing a series of childrens books...

The books, written with co-author Courtney Parker, are being published by Dallas-based publisher Ben Bella.

The first one, Little T Learns to Share, will be on shelves Nov. 15.

"It teaches life lessons on discipline," Parker said. "The irony is him being one of the most controversial players and the public perception of him lacking discipline."

Suggested titles:

  • The Little Engine That Could, But Not For Less Than 15 Mil A Year And Get Rid Of That Deadweight Donovan The Caboose In The Back
  • Lemony Screwit (A Series Of Unfortunate Incompetions)
  • Goodnight Painkillers ("Goodnight Painkillers. Goodnight Sleeping Pills. Wait. Which of you is which?")
  • Green Uniforms And Damn
  • The Star-Bellied Fans

This is only a partial list. If you hear of more, feel free to share them in the comments.

Rating: 2.1/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Y-Chromosomal Adam
Posted by Frank J. at 02:40 PM | Email This

Just to throw into the mix, here's the Wikipedia entry for Y-Chromosomal Adam, who is consistent with Noah (every male is descended from him, but there were other men back when he existed) - unless you go by a Bible-based timeline.

Rating: 1.9/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (16)
Genesis and Science
Posted by Frank J. at 02:13 PM | Email This

Moving off of the previous discussion, I thought I'd have a look at Genesis Chapter 1 from a scientific perspective. There are no jokes in this, just as a warning.


Rating: 2.6/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (34)
Friday Scary Evil Monkey Caption Contest
Posted by Frank J. at 12:11 PM | Email This

Put your captions in the comments!

"You're the macaca!"


Whoops. Forgot to give props to Darth Monkeybone from Cold Fury for pointing me to the picture.

Rating: 2.1/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (68)
Much Ado About Nothing
Posted by Frank J. at 11:09 AM | Email This

I get lots of offers for free conservative books, but I now usually turn them down since I barely ever even crack them open. I then got an e-mail for the book The Politically Incorrect Guide to Darwinism and Intelligent Design (from Regency like every conservative targeted book). Now, I've always been of the attitude that evolution is science (the book uses the word "Darwinism" for what most people would just call "evolution") and everything else so far presented to explain the origin of the species is not. So, I was curious exactly what are the arguments are against evolution and what justification one could have for another view, and thus I asked for a copy.

I haven't finished it yet, but I've read most of it as I've been more interested in this book as I find looking at scientific problems from other angles (even if I think they are ultimately incorrect) to be more interesting than looking at political issues from different angles.

QUICK DIGRESSION: I should point out that there is a big element of faith in science; we don't all have the time to prove scientifically everything, so we have to assume the experts in the fields know what they're talking about. When I fill my SUV with an explosive liquid, I have to assume who made it knew what he was doing so that when I push the pedal down that the SUV won't explode but instead it will move forward (sometimes it doesn't, but that's because I accidentally left the parking break on). Where I can't have faith in science is when ideology seems to be driving it. This happens with environmentalism, conspiracy theories, and people trying to make science conform with religion (such as Muslims who think there is a scientific reason they are forbidden from pork). When ideology gets involved, there is no proof so great as to dissuade someone (the human mind is able to logically wrap itself around anything). Also, I should mention I find the idea of being able to prove scientifically the existence of God profane; I have no Bible verse to back that up, but, since God doesn’t' constantly appear in the sky saying, "Booga booga booga! Look at me! I'm God!", I don't see why He'd hide Himself to be found in scientific research. People have free will, and thus it seems to me that God is only able to be known by faith (see the Babel Fish).

Anyway, I don't want to be long-winded, so I'll just jump into my main points and maybe expand on other things in the comments if a discussion starts. Apparently, Intelligent Design is based on trying to show that it is too improbable that the way species designed today all happened by chance. I just think that's a problem because you never can actually figure out the scientific odds of anything, especially since we don't know how large the universe is or how many universes there are. The book finally did reach that topic by stating in one sentence that multiple universes can't be proven... and then doesn't expand on that.

So, I find the argument unpersuasive and un-provable - which doesn't mean its wrong, but I don't see much science to it. Also, the proponents definitely seem religiously motivated (this is one area, due to the history, I'd more trust an atheist arguing for Intelligent Design... and, for the same reason, I'm less trust atheist who asserts evolution is true and unquestionable).

But, the book did raise many valid problems with evolution (with others points I found to be reaching). Also, it did seem to show that much of those who are so vehemently for evolution are just as ideologically motivated as those for Creationism (which I do lump in with IDers despite objections otherwise). Many proponents seem oversensitive to any criticism… even when much of it is valid. Much of the fossil record doesn't fit their model (such as the "Cambrian Explosion"), and then there is the missing link problem. For instance, can someone point to any two species which definitively evolved from each other beyond Darwin's finches? With humans, though the chimp is closest to us genetically, we didn't evolve from it but instead all the apes and the humans evolved in separate paths off a single relative of which I'm ignorant. Plus, despite assertions otherwise, they haven't shown speciation in a lab. They've only shown extreme variation ("Look how different this fruit fly acts from that other fruit fly!"). If one were able to observe a single-celled organism evolve into a multi-cellular organism, that would be much more convincing. Also, all in all, it's still a tough sell that a rodent became a human through minor mutations over 70 million years.

Also, evolution proponents have only fed fuel to the fire by often trying to set evolution against religion (like those Darwin fishes some cars sport; are those to say that Darwin is opposed to Jesus?). There's a hostility there that doesn't speak well for science which one hopes to be more even-tempered. Even though I think evolution is the only valid scientific theory out there, I often find myself siding with Creationists as attacks against them seem to be more attacks against religion.

But these are all side issues. Here's what I think is the big secret about the evolution/Creationism debate is...


Rating: 2.6/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (88)
Friday Catblogging
Posted by Laurence Simon at 09:29 AM | Email This

Since it's Friday, I thought I'd spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka "I-MEOW").

The rest of IMAO is busy looking for filters for their IM clients. Apparently, Mark Foley likes the IMAO Podcast. Really likes the IMAO podcast.

Anyway, it's time for Nardo, Prisoner of Pants:

If you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Nardo is... um...

Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.

And then light a candle in memory of someone you lost.

Oh, and have some donuts. At least try one of them. It's not like one will hurt you.

You can find more examples of Friday catblogging by searching a blog search engine such as Technorati for "catblogging."

You can also find a roundup of catblogging posts at The Friday Ark, located at The Modulator blog.

Then, when the weekend is nearly over, head over to The Carnival of the Cats for more kitty goodness.

There's also Flickr Groups called Furry Friday and Friday Catblogging.

Anybody I miss?

Rating: 2.1/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (10) | Friday Cat-Blogging
Open Enrollment in Super Fun!
Posted by Frank J. at 09:08 AM | Email This

Apparently, not that many people are left who remember the purpose of that old panda post (it has nothing to do with the subject and you won't be able to decode it's purpose unless you already knew what it was).

Anyway, I need more people for this special mission/psychological experiment/performance art. If you want to be a part of this, e-mail me (frankj -at- imao.us) with the subject "Mission." If I have a record of you commenting or e-mailing or you have a blog that's been around a while, then I'll let you in and explain what was done two years ago. For new readers and lurkers, sorry, but I have to be careful because one person leaking this could ruin the fun.

What is the fun? It's secret, but it will involve secret decoder rings (like this) and hidden signals to activate sleep cells. I'll keep it simple, though (but not too simple or it won't be as fun).

So, sign up and be a part of a special internet secret. Muh ha ha ha...

Rating: 2.1/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (12)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 08:15 AM | Email This


1) What famous musician writes Marge and tells her that in England, French fries are called chips?

2) Who wants to create a film called "Get Your Hands Off My Jerky, Turkey"?

3) In "Principal Charming", where does Skinner buy an engagement ring for Patty?

4) In "Bart's Dog Gets an F", who is the neighbor that calls to complain about Santa's Little Helper?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.2/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Simpsons Trivia
October 05, 2006
Fighting Flaming with Flaming
Posted by Frank J. at 04:21 PM | Email This

With so many Democrats now thinking they can score political points by outing Republicans, I think it's time I start outing Democrats!

I would just like to mention that it now rumored (which is what comes before confirmed) that Senator Harry Reid is...



Rating: 2.3/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (23)
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 03:40 PM | Email This

What did Mark Foley remark when he found out he got exposed because of a prank some pages played on him?


Rating: 2.5/5 (26 votes cast)

Comments (14) | Fun Trivia
Good Political News
Posted by Frank J. at 01:39 PM | Email This

There's a lot of scandal in the news now and it seems like there's no one in politics worth rooting for, so I thought I might step back for a minute and look at what good political news is out there.


* Apparently, some of our politicians are more internet savvy than we thought.

* Since Democrats seem to support surveilance of gay Republicans, maybe than be convinced to also support surveilance of terrorists.

* The North Koreans playing with nuclear weapons could mean that problem may just suddenly take care of itself.

* Not liking either party means you have no worries when the election results come.

* If referring to "tequila" ranks as a scandal worth mention, then there's probably about no actual racism left in this country.

* With all this media spotlight, Congress should be forced into action, meaning that the well-being of Congressional pages will be one less thing for us to worry about.

* Despite any problems in Iraq, there have been no threat of the country being taken over by North Korean Communists.

If you can think of other good political news, put it in the comments.

Rating: 2.8/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (19)
Time for Some Fun
Posted by Frank J. at 12:17 PM | Email This

Remember the Frank J. Fanclub and the e-mail list?

It's been over two years, and I think it's time for a continuation of our social experiment (or making the paranoid more paranoid, as I like to call it).

First I need to get an e-mail list of trusted people who want to join in on doing this venture; if we can't keep secrecy, it will ruin the fun.

If you know what the purpose of this post was, e-mail me (frankj -at- imao.us) with something in the subject line that indicates you know what I'm talking about (you will get an e-mail response from me). If you know others who would want to participate (and won't squeal on us), tell them about this and have them e-mail me too.

When I have a big enough e-mail list together (we don't want this too big), I'll e-mail out instructions for the new game.

This should be a lot of fun.

Rating: 2.2/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (20)
President Bush Counters with Phony Barbra
Posted by RightWingDuck at 11:44 AM | Email This

bush talks.JPG

President Bush was informed by staffers that singer Barbra Streisand had hired an actor to portray the president during shows so she could hurl insults and smart remarks at him.

Today, President Bush launched his own Counter Barbra strategy, which unfortunately, was leaked to the New York Times weeks ago.

Said the President, "I felt the American people could benefit from seeing Barbra on stage with me during my Meet The People Who Are People outreach tour." During one tour, President Bush invited the public to get close to the Barbra doll but there was little interest as her biggest fans were off having cybersex with underage pages.

Feedback from the general public has been mostly positive. "This version of Barbra is definitely more likeable and better looking. I think this will be good publicity for her."

Rating: 2.8/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (11)
A Ducky Editorial - Supporting Mark Foley And His Kind
Posted by RightWingDuck at 11:10 AM | Email This

** An editorial by RightWingDuck **

I fully support Mark Foley and his desire to cyber-bang young boys. You wouldn't expect that from me, but I'm more of a moderate, left of center right winger sometimes. And nowhere is that more obvious when it comes to fighting against the greatest evil we are facing in America – Age-ophobia.

Age-ophobia is where people are discriminated against just for being old. For this I blame the religious prudes who say that somehow an old man can't become involved with a young man. Isn't this discrimination? This young man can fool around with any other young man or woman. But if he wants to hang with an older guy suddenly it's wrong? I say it should be fine as long as they both use protection. (For discussion: What does one use for safety during cybersex? Trojans? McAfee?)

Age is not a disease people. It's natural. According to some scientific studies – and granted they are fairly limited – aging can be tied to one's genetics.

I quote a Los Angeles preacher: "God loves all the old people. Even the wrinkled ones who can't afford Botox."

Personally, I'm not attracted to young men. Most young men these days dress exactly the way homeless vagrants would dress if they wore their pants down around their ankles. Some people find that atrractive. Some don't. We're all different.

So I say let the congressmen flirt with all the young people they want. In support of Mr. Mark Foley, former Congressman, I vow to not marry or have sex with any underage children until ALL of us can regardless of age or gender.

May God bless America.

** Disclaimer: IMAO does not condone cybersex or safe sex or premarital sex or smoking after sex. Condone sounds like a dirty word but ins't. ("Hey, did you bring the condones?") The views expressed in this editorial are not mean to be taken seriously unless you have a stick up your @ss. IMAO does not condone (hee hee) having sticks up your @ss. Not even if it's only text talk.

Rating: 2.5/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Finally, some Middle East oil that Arabs don't own
Posted by Laurence Simon at 10:14 AM | Email This

There's an old joke that Moses was a fool because he settled the early Israelites in the only land in the Middle East that didn't have any oil.

It turns out that there may be oil under Israel after all:

An Israeli company has discovered a small amount of oil at a drilling site near the Dead Sea, raising hopes that the Jewish state could one day join its regional neighbors as a petroleum producer. Initial tests have found that the site would yield between 100 to 150 barrels daily, said Eli Tannenbaum, geologist for the Ginko oil exploration company. While this is minuscule by global standards - No. 1 producer Saudi Arabia produces 9 million barrels a day - Tannenbaum said there are signs that larger amounts of crude are nearby.

Finally, a source of oil that doesn't fund terrorism or the bloated Alaskan social services bureaucracy.

Rating: 2.4/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (15)
The IMAO Newsletter
Posted by Frank J. at 09:03 AM | Email This

I guess you should have gotten the newsletter by now. If you signed up and didn't get it, tell me in the comments and I'll forward you a copy.

Make sure to check your spam box first.

Rating: 2.4/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (31)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 08:22 AM | Email This


1) (T/F) In 1998, TV Guide printed four different covers featuring the Simpsons

2) What real-life person said, "The nation needs to be closer to the Waltons than the Simpsons"?

3) What real-life boxing champion beats up Barney outside Moe's?

4) What real-life US city had Bart Simpson Day declared on January 26, 1993?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.3/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (2) | Simpsons Trivia
October 04, 2006
A B Thee Ya!
Posted by Laurence Simon at 08:58 PM | Email This

Q: So, what will happen now that the chat ABC posted on its web site turns out to have been between ex-Congressman Mark Foley and a then 18-year old, thus making that disturbing chat between two consenting male adults?


Rating: 2.2/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (10)
What a Stupid Wop Dago!
Posted by Frank J. at 08:31 PM | Email This

The controversy of that guinea Justice Scalia equating Mexican alcohol with tequila is picking up steam. I noticed that Kos had picked up on it and he and his minions have worked themselves up in a leftarded fury, but it's also going mainstream. Will this be enough to finally sink that goomba Scalia and keep him and his greasy hair out of the Supreme Court? Well, I know I won't vote for him next year.

Full Disclosure: I'm a quarter dago.

Rating: 2.8/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (4)
White and Nerdy
Posted by Frank J. at 06:44 PM | Email This

This music video is hilarious and deserves linkage just for what he buys in the back alley at the end. I've heard of that but never seen it; have any of you?

Rating: 2.1/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (14)
What IMAO Stands For
Posted by Frank J. at 04:14 PM | Email This

The new IMAO Newsletter has been submitted. The way it works, it will be sent out late tonight (after 3am), so you'll probably get it tomorrow morning. If you signed up and don't have it in your inbox tomorrow morning, tell me here in the comments.

This newsletter will have the final answer to what IMAO stands for (no joke) plus updates on other stuff. You still have time to sign up to get it at the IMAO Store.

Rating: 2.5/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Exclusive! Must Credit IMAO!!
Posted by sarahk at 03:30 PM | Email This

IMAO has accidentally intercepted an email detailing the plans for the new U.S. Border Fence. Since the email is confidential and important to national security, and since IMAO believes IMAO to be an alcoholic and therefore has no control over our actions, we are printing the confidential email anyway. In the interest of ... um ... something or other.


Rating: 1.7/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (5) | IMAO Exclusives
For All Your Grip Needs
Posted by Frank J. at 02:28 PM | Email This

At IMAO.com, there used to be a Japanese manufacturer of grips and handles. I don't know what happened to it, but now IMAO.com is some weird site made to get traffic by people who are meaning to come here but put the ".com" instead of the ".us" after IMAO. Whoever bought that URL had to bid for it with like forty others; kinda flattering actually.

Anyway, apparently other people are looking for the Japanese company IMAO, because we sometimes get e-mails like this:

I have an item to be listed in our internal catalog. Can you please verify that the following item information is correct?

Manufacturer name Part # Description
IMAO PG90N-15 Grip

Please advise

So I responded:

These are our only products with grips:


Also in larger versions based on your needs:


Maybe I can make a sale.

BTW, the person looking for IMAO grips probably ran into the phoney site we set up in 2005 as an April Fools joke (it replaced the regular IMAO main page for most of the day). You can still see that here (make sure to check out its FAQ).

Rating: 2.0/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (4)
In My World: The Gay Menace
Posted by Frank J. at 12:56 PM | Email This

Bush looked at the proposal for the new 700 mile wall to be built on the Mexican border. "We're going to have to drive by a lot of Home Depots to find enough day laborers to build this thing."

Cheney then came into the Oval Office and turned the TV on. "You have to see the new DNC ad."

A black and white picture of Mark Foley appeared on screen. "The Republicans is the party of pedophilia," an announcer said.

Gerry Studds appeared on screen. "Back in 1983, I was caught having sex with a 17 year-old male page, and the Democrats censured me. That taught me my lesson for the numerous terms in the House I served afterwards. One thing I never did, though, was e-mail or chat online with that page; that's just sick. All the Republican leadership should resign over that."

Mel Reynolds appeared on screen. "As a Congressman, I was involved with a 16-year-old campaign volunteer. In, 1995 I was convicted on 12 counts of sexual assault, obstruction of justice and solicitation of child pornography. I then was convicted for bank fraud, furthering my spiral of decline. Luckily, Bill Clinton pardoned me, helping me with the healing process. Why hasn't George W. Bush pardoned Mark Foley? Is it because President Bush approves of the behavior?"

The announcer came back on. "The Democratic Party: Against buggering youths for almost a week now."

Cheney turned the TV off. "The Democrats are really trying to make an issue of this. Frankly, it's the only issue they've been able to come up with this year."

Just then, Representative Barney Frank barged into the office with a young attractive woman at each side. Behind him came a Muslim imam. "It has come to our attention that there are hidden gays in the Republican party, and, as we know, they are preying on children. Thus, the Democratic party has taken it upon itself to ferret out any gays in office for the public's safety."

"Huh? Wasn't a gay prostitution ring once run out of your apartment?" Bush asked.

"What! That's ridiculous!" Barney Frank exclaimed. "I'm as straight as they come." He looked to his two floozies. "Isn't that right Starla and Bambi."

"Barney Frank is more man than we can handle," Starla said.

"He's so much man it's scary," Bambi said.

"He's so manly that he sleeps with other men and..."

"That's enough," Barney Frank interrupted. "Anyway, we're going to locate all the gay menace in the Republican Party, and, in a show of religious diversity, we're going to handle them in the traditional Islamic way."

"We'll collapse a wall on them," the imam said.

"It's in the Koran," Barney Frank added, "or, at least, I think it is. Religious books tend to be kinda long, you know?"

Bush noticed a boy standing near the imam. "Is that your assistant?" Bush asked the imam.

"He's just someone I keep with me!" the imam answered quickly.

Barney Frank then pointed at Bush in an accusatory way. "Isn't it true you had a drinking problem!"

"Well... yeah. So I quite drinking."

"Was it because the drinking caused you to lust after young boys like it did Mark Foley?" Barney Frank exclaimed.

"No! That's crazy!"

The imam then ran up towards Bush. "Admit your homosexual desires! Isn't it true that you're so disgusted by the sight of women that you want to dress them all up like frumpy ninjas?"

"Only Nancy Pelosi!" Bush then thought for a moment. "Wait, what are you talking about?"

"Can you idiots get out of here?" Cheney snarled.

Barney Frank walked over to Cheney. "This questioning would make you uncomfortable, wouldn't it? As both John Edwards and John Kerry tactfully pointed out in the 2004 debates, your daughter is a lesbian. As we all know, gayness is genetic. Thus, you're gay!"

The imam ran up to Cheney. "You have the characteristic snarl of a gay pedophile! Admit you’re gay and accept your punishment!"

The imam was then blasted in the face with a shotgun, surprising no one.

"You peppered my imam with a salt shell!" Barney Frank yelled. "That's wrong on so many levels!"

Cheney chambered another round. "Yet it felt so right. Now get your trash out of here!"

"Yeah! Get out of here, you gay-bashing homos!" Bush said. "You and the Democratic Party may hate gays, Barney Frank, but we love them."

After Barney Frank dragged the imam out of the room, Bush turned to Cheney. "We do love gays, right?"

Cheney shook his head.

"Aww! Everything is so confusing now!"

* * * *

"The Democrats continue their search to ferret out the gay menace within the Republican Party," the news anchor said. "Gay Republicans are a danger to children, they say, and must all be located and locked up. They are also focusing on bloggers and blog readers, who, as commonly known, are all gay and like to molest children... except for Frank J. of IMAO.us who exudes so much masculinity with each letter he types that other men find him threatening.

"As part of our own reporting, we sent a reporter and camera crew to Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld's house to question him on whether he is gay." The anchorman bowed his head solemnly. "There were no survivors."

Bush turned from the TV to Condoleezza Rice. "We can't let the Democrats control this issue. I want you to stop work on the blood test for detecting cylons and instead make a blood test for detecting the gays infiltrating our society. We need to stop them and their sympathizers!"

"Okay, I guess," Condi said. "I was just humoring you with the cylon test anyway."

"And we'll need humor when the gays finally attack, coming at us in their gay planes and gay tanks and shooting at us with their gay bullets."

Condi frowned. "I think you might be getting a little carried away."

Bush hung his head. "You're right. I even collapsed a wall on Senator Frist today. After what he said sounded like he was suggesting we negotiate with the Taliban, I was sure he was infected with gay madness." Bush spotted Tony Snow. "Hey, Snowman, I have a statement I want you to deliver to the press."

"Sure. What is it?"

"I want it to be known that this homophobia is so gay. Anyone obsessed with it is a homo, and there's nothing the Republicans hate more than homos!"

Tony thought about that. "I might phrase that differently."

Rating: 2.5/5 (24 votes cast)

Comments (14) | In My World
It's Pathunny
Posted by Frank J. at 09:48 AM | Email This

I had never heard of the Daily Kos's dKosopedia until someone pointed out that the entry about Gerry Studds was altered to reflect that Democrats now oppose the buggering of youths.

So what is the dKosopedia? I guess the regular Wikipedia wasn't left-leaning enough and the muckadoos at Kos needed a research tool without the possibility of any facts that would offend their sensibilities being represented. In my short perusal of it, it's one of the most pathetic/funny things I've ever seen (made more so by the fact that this is on the site of the most popular Democratic blog).

For Example:

George W. Bush: He "avoided the draft by enlisting in the Texas Air National Guard" - which I just thought was called "enlisting." My dad enlisted in the Army during the Vietnam War to avoid the draft - does that make him a draft-dodger? Interestingly, who wrote the section on Bush's military service felt the need to mention that, by the way, John Kerry served in Vietnam (though he wasn't there anywhere near as long as my draft-dodging father).

Also, Bush's "enrollment in Yale prevented a more deserving young man or woman from attending that elite university." Probably saved the person money, too.

And did you know that "8 of 9 subsequent recounts showed Al Gore to have legitimately won Florida"? There's no source on that one since I guess it's just a well known fact.

Dick Cheney: Did you know he's still getting a "$1,000,000 per year paycheck from Halliburton". No, seriously, he is. Also, his heart condition can cause "insidious, difficult-to-recognize degradation of mental faculties." Is this another case of the liberals not being able to decide between whether someone is dumb or an evil mastermind?

John Kerry: The entry is pretty long, yet never mentions the result of the 2004 presidential run. You tell us he won the Democratic primary, so why leave us in suspense on that?

The Draft (found linked on the dKosopedia main page): "Conscription is the coercive induction of individuals into military service. The target population for conscription is usually healthy young men of normal intelligence but states engaged in long wars often look to other populations for their cannon fodder: women, older men and adolescent boys, prison convicts, the mentally deficient, foreign residents and prisoners of war." Just so you know what to expect when President Bush starts drafting people as we all know will happen soon.

Ad hominem: Strangely enough, they say that an ad hominem is bad and is a tactic of "Dittoheads." You hear that, "Rape Gurney" Joe?

I'm not sure how well-maintained the dKosopedia is, but, if it is, it could give us a window into the mind of those who live in a loosely based on reality society.

If you feel like perusing the dKosopedia, put the funnier findings in the comments.

Rating: 2.4/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (32)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 07:29 AM | Email This


1) What is the name of the duck that works at the nuclear power plant?

2) What item does Homer name "Stitchface"?

3) When Apu is fired from the Kwik-E-Mart, who takes over for him?

4) What is the activity of the first Junior Camper's meeting Bart attends?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.7/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (3) | Simpsons Trivia
October 03, 2006
Top Ten Results of North Korea's Nuclear Test
Posted by Harvey at 10:42 PM | Email This

North Korea threatened to test a nuclear weapon. How will things be different afterwards?

10) New record set for world's poofiest mushroom cloud.

9) Second nuclear test on North Korean soil, courtesy of an irritable Donald Rumsfeld.

8) Condi Rice has to drag out her Super-Diplomatic, Thigh-High, Black Leather Negotiating boots again.

7) Emptied missile silo now available for stowing political dissidents.

6) Grand opening of Disney Pyongyang - The Glowingest Place On Earth!

5) France thrilled by new opportunity to surrender.

4) Mark Foley's 15 minutes of fame abruptly cut short.

3) Kim Jong Il despondent upon discovering that radiation doesn't ACTUALLY give you super powers.

2) Bush's status as biggest threat to world peace miraculously unchanged among leftists.

1) North Korea forced to explain away yet another embarrassing Dong malfunction.

Of course, it might not be a missle-based nuke. They could decide to just drop it out of the Enora Gay.

Rating: 2.3/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (10)
You Do My District Some Favors, Then I'll Allow You to Bribe Me
Posted by Frank J. at 08:27 PM | Email This

Here's John Murtha caught on video negotiating a bribe. Apparently he wants to know people better before they have the privilege of bribing him. Anyway, watch the video and ask yourself "How did he survive that politically?"

FULL DISCLOSURE: I helped Republican Timothy Holloway campaign against Murtha back in 1998 - well before trying to defeat Murtha was so popular - and I feel I deserve more credit for that.

Rating: 2.4/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (2)
Dumbest. Outrage. Ever.
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 PM | Email This

Justice Scalia uses the awful slur "tequila." Allahpundit has the details.

It's macaca all over again, but not as fun to shout over and over.


Kos has caught on to the outrage. I think it's pretty obvious neither he nor any of the commenters have read the statement in question.

Rating: 2.8/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (8)
The Pickle Page
Posted by Laurence Simon at 07:31 PM | Email This

Fans of the IMAO Podcast who use Podcast Pickle can now head to the Pickle Page for IMAO's Podcast.

Yes, I know, I left myself off the cast list there. Gary gives only so much space for that field, and I figured I should mention everybody else first.

Oh, and if I go nuts like Scott did, well, I'll still hand over ownership of the Pickle Page to Frank. Because I'm a nice guy...


Rating: 2.5/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (2)
CNN: Day After Tomorrow - Exhibit A
Posted by RightWingDuck at 02:30 PM | Email This

CNN newsman Miles O’Brien today was involved in a clash of global warming opinions with Senator James Inhofe. During the discussion, Mr. CNN quoted, The Day After Tomorrow scenario, the thriller movie about global warming catastrophe.

We at IMAO are very happy that CNN fully supports the movie industry and those hard working actors who bust their butts for mere thousands per day.

In fact, in addition to the Day After Tomorrow Scenario, CNN has also used other movies as a basis for rational argument.


Rating: 2.7/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (11)
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 01:34 PM | Email This

GOP stands for "Grand Old Party." How many of those words still describe the Republicans?


Rating: 2.6/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (9) | Fun Trivia
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 01:32 PM | Email This

Who is the gayest person currently involved in politics?


Rating: 1.9/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (15) | Fun Trivia
Comedy Of Comedy Reminder
Posted by spacemonkey at 01:06 PM | Email This

I want you! To pull my finger.

The host for the carnival of comedy this week will be The Y Factor.

If you have to submit to something, why not submit to the Carnival of Comedy?

But keep your head on, submission isn't mandatory.

Rating: 2.5/5 (25 votes cast)

| Why Me Laugh?
October Is Always Full of Surprises
Posted by Frank J. at 10:54 AM | Email This

Uh-oh. It's looking like the Mark Foley scandal could define this upcoming election. Then again, we still have almost all of October left, leaving time for new October surprises. Here's what I think could happen:


* It is revealed which Democrat members of Congress are part of al Qaeda and shoot them on live television. Ted Kennedy dies screaming, "Allah akhbar!"

* All of the Republican Congress go into a closed door session. Later, only a few emerge covered in blood and announce, "The Republican party is now smaller but stronger."

* Zawahiri is captured and he is forced to convert to Christianity on video while taking a new Christian name: Bob.

* Finally, the frozen body of Osama bin Laden that we all know Karl Rove has had hidden all this time is taken out and defrosted. It then staged of him being personally shot by President Bush as he supposedly invades a fund raiser.

* After a mysterious meeting between President Bush, Halliburton, Exxon, and OPEC, gas drops to $0.25 a gallon.

* A simultaneous invasion of Iran and France is launched. The two populations are switched. No notable change of attitude is noticed in either country.

* John Bolton mysteriously leaves in the middle of a U.N. Security Council. Seconds later, the entire building explodes. Numerous federal agencies claim responsibility.

* It is announced that the reason Kissinger has been meeting with the President is that Vietnam has been secretly invaded and is now under the control of the U.S., and thus the Vietnam War has been won (waiting them out then hitting them when they least expected it was Kissinger’s plan all along). Now, comparisons of Iraq to Vietnam means there will be a stunning victory when you least expect it.

What surprise do you think will happen in October? Write it in the comments and you'll win IMAO Bonus Points if it comes true.

Rating: 2.5/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (38)
Posted by Frank J. at 09:01 AM | Email This

Now that the muckadoos are all focused on connecting every single living Republican to the Mark Foley scandal, does that mean they are no longer hyperventilating about how the new bill on interrogation will remove habeas corpus and is our first step into becoming a fascist state?

Those guys really need to learn to multitask their overreactions.

Rating: 1.6/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 07:33 AM | Email This


1) (T/F) Otto once poked Homer in the stomach and remarked he looked like Pop'N'Fresh.

2) In "Homer the Vigilante", we learn that instead of insurance, Homer bought what?

3) In "Treehouse of Horror IV", who wrote the forward to "Yes, I Am A Vampire"?

4) The words across the front of the Springfield museum say "Truth, Knowledge, and..." what?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.5/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (2) | Simpsons Trivia
October 02, 2006
The Podcast Returns!!
Posted by sarahk at 10:10 PM | Email This

pod graphic

Surprise! The world seemed to fall apart during our 5-year hiatus to Krypton, so we're back! Well... most of us are back...

In this week's podcast...

Harvey has Fun Facts about Michigan! SarahK reviews Smallville (find out who she hates)! American Monkey returns! Frank J. has oil solutions! Lair tells a very Crappy Bedtime Story!

and more!

Download it now! Now! Go! Do it!

Rating: 2.3/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Cat People Are Weird
Posted by Frank J. at 07:57 PM | Email This

I should know; I married one.

Anyway, Son of Bob has a catwa issued against him for comments made in an IMAO post. It is also issued to Glenn Reynolds for quoting the comment approvingly.

BTW, the cool, huge surprise is still coming later tonight, so keep tuning in.

Rating: 2.4/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Democrats Approve Warantless Spying - On Republicans
Posted by RightWingDuck at 07:44 PM | Email This

Senate Democrats have introduced legislation that would legalize spying on Republicans serving in the Senate and the House of Representatives. "Say what you want about us," opined one leading Dem, "but at least when we get caught with our pants down, it's usually with a female. Usually."

"Democrats understand that , in order to protect the country from Perverts and those who associate with them, sometimes it's best to capture data when pervs don't know you're listening."

Leading Democrat Nancy Pelosi commented: "We've decided to address the issues that threaten our nation. Were it not for the investigative efforts of our tireless investigators, Mark Foley, a REPUBLICAN, would have continued to flirt with young boys. Flirting with young men - unlike threatening to destroy our country and everyone in it - should not be protected free speech."

When questioned by Fox News why protecting our children from perverts is different than protecting them from terrorists, they commented that they did not want to violate the separation of church and state.
Under the new proposed legislation, called Profiling Republicans, all communications between Republicans and the outside world would be monitored and supervised.

Rating: 2.1/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (4)
I Think It Would Be Cool If All of Congress Resigned
Posted by Frank J. at 04:46 PM | Email This

Tell me this isn't true. Senator Frist wants to negotiate WITH THE TALIBAN! Hell, why don't we just invite al Qaeda while were at it and make all nicey-nice with them too. You can bring chips and they'll bring the potato salad.


Usually most of politics doesn't make me too angry because it’s all the idiocy is just expected, but right now I need some duct tape to keep my head from exploding. If we can't even expect the Republican Majority Leader to focus on killing all the terrorists, what hope do we have? We know the eunuchs in the Democratic Party are just going to do everything they can to ignore the issue (national security doesn't play to their "strengths"), so who does that leave to vote for? Are there any men left in Washington?

If terrorists scare you, please resign from national office. Now.

UPDATE: Mary Katherine Ham reminds us exactly who the Taliban are. There is no negotiating with that.

UPDATE 2: Is Frist retiring? I see that in the comments at Hot Air. Gee, I hope that's true...

UPDATE 3: MKH says that Frist is claiming he was misquoted and there will be a blog post addressing the topic soon.

He better claim to be misquoted...

UPDATE 4: He's backed off the statement somewhat now. Check out any of the links on this post to see his statement.

Rating: 1.9/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (10)
GOP Press Conference: We've Never Even Met Each Other...
Posted by RightWingDuck at 04:02 PM | Email This

Today, GOP Senators and members of the House held a joint press conference stating: "We don't know anybody."

Due to recent scandals, most recently the one where GOP Rep Mark Foley was caught sending illicit emails to underage interns, many GOPers have established a policy of creating distance from each other.

At the press conference Senator John McCain said, "I've never met any of these people in my life and refuse to somehow be linked to any of them or their scandals. Heck, some of my best friends are Democrats so I really don't know what you're talking about. "

Bill Frist who declined to be photographed with any one else at the afternoon meeting had this statement: "If elected to office, we promise to work with the other side of the aisle as long as no other Republicans are sitting there either. If so, we have no knowledge of any of their actions and refuse to be associated with them."

A Republican member of the House of Representatives was also on hand at the press conference but wore a fake nose and glasses.

Rating: 2.3/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (2)
Republicans vs. Democrats: Pedophiles
Posted by Frank J. at 03:20 PM | Email This

A possible pedophile is discovered in Congress.

What Goes Through a Republican's Mind: "This is awful! We need to get this guy out of here immediately!"

What Goes Through a Democrat's Mind: "Yes! This is too good to be true! We finally have an issue for this election!"

Question: Would people be labeling Foley a pedophile if he tried to involve himself with a 16 year old girl, or would people simply call him "lecherous"? Seems like there is a bit of a double standard there... but I guess I don't care since I hate gay people.

Grrr! Gay people! ::shakes fist::

Rating: 2.5/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (24)
NMBLA Proclaims Support for GOP Rep Mark Foley
Posted by RightWingDuck at 12:44 PM | Email This

The National Man Boy Love Association today issued a statement declaring their support for embattled GOP Representative Mark Foley of Florida.

Said NMBLA spokesman Kuhmir Littleboy, “Although usually we try to cast our support in favor of Democrats and homosexuals, we felt the cause was worthy and we should come out in favor of flirting with sixteen year old boys.”

The ACLU has been silent on the issue of dirty emails, mostly because Rep Foley is neither Black nor Muslim. However, NMBLA has been quite vocal on their opinion.

“We have always supported the notion of grown men sleeping with children. Normally we proclaim this message at local Gay Pride Parades, but we feel it’s never a wrong time to speak up, just as there’s never a wrong time to hump young boys.”

GOP Rep Foley, who tendered his resignation, had the following statement: “I have no comment on this statement of support from NMBLA. By the way – what were they wearing?”

Rating: 2.4/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (10) | Newsish Fakery
Cool Stuff!
Posted by Frank J. at 11:06 AM | Email This

There are now a number of cool new designs at the IMAO Store (a couple seen at the top of the main page). I hope to add Frank J. in 2016 presidential campaign buttons soon (or some '06 ones if the Republicans in Florida are smart). Also, I'll be sending out a new newsletter this week (which will finally include the official explanation of what IMAO stands for), so make sure to go to the store and sign up if you haven't already.

Also, a really really cool surprise will be out later today.

So buy stuff and support IMAO! (Reminder: Any designs bought by clicking through the CafePress ad on our store's page also get us lots of money, so you can buy anything from CafePress and support IMAO)

Rating: 2.5/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (1)
IMAO Blogger Pumpkins: Laurence
Posted by Laurence Simon at 10:31 AM | Email This

Welcome to a new series called IMAO Blogger Pumpkins.

I'm hoping to start a Halloween tradition here at IMAO by posting a photo of my pumpkin. Then all the other IMAO Bloggers won't feel so stupid about posting photos of their own pumpkins.

So here it is, my pumpkin:

"Give me catnip or I frappe Mr. Jack O'Lantern."

Hopefully the other IMAO Bloggers will be posting photos of their Halloween pumpkins.

Otherwise I'm going to look really, really stupid.


Rating: 2.4/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Who cares if it's chocolate or vanilla. The real question is it .38 or 9mm?
Posted by Laurence Simon at 09:59 AM | Email This

So, Frank and Sarah, did you have one of these at your wedding?

Rating: 2.2/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Frank J. '06: Strong Republican, Not a Pedophile
Posted by Frank J. at 08:55 AM | Email This

I hear that the Republicans are looking for someone to run in Mark Foley's place. Why not me?

As a blogger based in Florida, I already bring in tens of Floridians who support me - maybe some of whom live in Mark Foley's district (I'm not exactly sure where that is, but that's what campaign managers are for). Also, has any blogger - particularly one focused on political humor - run for the House? No, and thus my candidacy is sure to bring publicity... and not just the bad kind the Republicans are already getting.

As most know, I'm a strong conservative Republican and have absolutely no sexual interest in teenage boys, but what does that mean policy wise? For one thing, you can be sure I'm not going to burden our country by trying to bring pork home to my district, because I don't even like Floridians; why would I give them anything? Instead, as a politician, I'll be solely motivated by my hatred of terrorists. Everything I do will be to help see terrorists dead, and I'll try and insert terrorist killing amendments in every bill we vote on. I'm sure eventually the older Representatives (which would be all of them) will begin to find me annoying and yell at me. But I won't be intimidated. I'll yell back at them, "Shut up, grandpa, before I break your hip!" And woe be anyone who thinks I'm bluffing.

That's a promise.

Now, some may say I'm too young. Those people are traitors. The Constitution clearly states that someone only needs to be twenty-five to serve in the House of Representatives, and I'm twenty-seven. Thus, in the age department, I'm over-qualified. If you don't agree with that, then you hate the founding father and should be executed for being a Communist.

It's time for a blogger to take political office and shake up the status quo, so urge the Republicans in whatever district Mark Foley is in to consider me. I won't disappoint my country... though I possibly will embarrass it slightly.

But no sex scandals - especially really creepy ones. That's also a promise.

Rating: 2.3/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (26)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 08:55 AM | Email This


1) In "Krusty Gets Busted", what physical feature of Sideshow Bob's gives him away?

2) When Homer becomes an executive at the power plant, who is his personal secretary?

3) Who provided the voice of the Babysitter Bandit?

4) What miracle medicine gives Homer a full head of hair?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.2/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (2) | Simpsons Trivia
October 01, 2006
Carnival Of Comedy At The Acme Anvil Company
Posted by spacemonkey at 08:33 PM | Email This

It's up, It's late but it's up.

I'll excuse this lateness and not remove any of his IMAO RoninPoints since well, I like anvils.

Rating: 1.8/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (1)
Animals At Chinese Olympics Test Positive For Steroids
Posted by RightWingDuck at 03:11 PM | Email This

Olympic officials showed great concern yesterday when two chimpanzees and one brown bear tested positive for anabolic steroids.

According to Miguel Samaranch, an Olympic official, "At first we suspected nothing. When we saw these hairy, muscular creatures walk out of the locker room we weren't really concerned. Then somebody brought it to our attention that this was NOT the Chinese Women's Diving Team. At that point, we had no choice but to conduct on the spot testing."

According to sources at the Animal Olympic stadium, testing the chimps took longer because of a tendency for them to "fling the samples."

This occurence has caused much concern among the international community, inluding manufacturers of steroids. Said one executive, "I would hate to thing that China is using counterfeit steroids. This kind of action tends to put American steroid companies out of work."

Rating: 2.3/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (3)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 09:57 AM | Email This


1) (T/F) Ruth Powers is the single mom who lives next door to the Simpsons with her daughter Laura

2) Who breaks into the Simpson's house during the "All Singing, All Dancing" episode?

3) Who is Superintendent Chalmers' assistant?

4) Who helped Ned Flanders overcome his behavioral problems when Ned was a boy?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.1/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (3) | Simpsons Trivia

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