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November 30, 2006
Don Rumsfeld Accepts Responsibility for Escalating Violence at Sea World, Submits Resignation for Second Time
Posted by Frank J. at 09:34 PM | Email This


Rating: 2.2/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (13)
Posted by Frank J. at 04:58 PM | Email This

If wanted to videotape blowing up a monkey with dynamite for YouTube, what would be the laws in relation to that (i.e., laws on obtaining monkeys and what constitutes animal abuse, laws regulating sales of dynamite and it's usage)?

Rating: 3.1/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (18)
Can We Have a Wikipedia Entry? Sadly, No.
Posted by Frank J. at 04:06 PM | Email This

Sadly, No!, the liberal supposed humor site that Cadet Happy is dueling with, has had a Wikipedia entry for over a year, but it went up for deletion in the past couple days with all votes so far against it.

I really don't understand Wikipedia logic. The Sadly, No! article is certainly nicer looking and more informative than IMAO's strange little blurb (which I ain't touching since every other time IMAO had a Wikipedia entry, is was put up for deletion within a day), though it lacks any sources - which I guess could be fixed. If Wikipedia isn't going to explain the history of blog site for us, then who is? Haven't you ever run into a blog with a decent following and, after scanning the front page, exclaimed, "What the hell is this?" Why can't Wikipedia answer that question?

I should have a contest to find the most insignificant post on Wikipedia (with more points the longer it is). My favorite so far is the eight pages dedicated to Bumblebee from the Transformers.

Rating: 3.0/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (14)
Frank J.'s New Agenda for America - Part 5: Taxes
Posted by Frank J. at 02:19 PM | Email This

Part 1: Iraq
Part 2: Military Reform
Part 3: Troop Benefits
Part 4: Border Security

* * * *

"The power to tax is the power to destroy."

Taxes are evil.

Does that even have to be explained? In a perfect world, we'd all fund are own needs, but, because we aren't perfect, the government takes our money at gunpoint to pay for people who don't like working. The power to tax should never be wielded arbitrarily. Before taxes are raised to support some new government program, one should ask himself, "Would I also blow up an orphanage for this cause?" because that's of the same level of morality.

With Democrats in charge, it is inevitable they will want to raise taxes. That is why they are Democrats. If you don't want to raise taxes, then you aren't a Democrat. Also, as a Democrat, anytime a tax cut is proposed you are compelled to state that it is "just a tax cut for the rich."

When the Democrats propose to raise taxes, the Republican response must to beat all the Democrats within an inch of their lives. When police come to arrest the Republicans, they should simply explain that they were acting in self-defense by meeting violence with violence because:

Taxes are a form of violence.

If the Republicans make this point well, then they should be able to avoid conviction for assaulting the Democrats. If not, the world was never made worse by politicians being sent to jail.

When Republicans regain control, they should pass measures that require a super-duper majority to raise taxes since taxes are such a dangerous thing and also require only like five people to pass a tax cut (eight to overturn a veto). This should severely limit federal spending and force the government to only focus on important things such as paying for war and making our enemies suffer.

Be honorable, ronin.

Rating: 2.7/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (13)
I Support Our Troops When They Shoot Their Reporters
Posted by Frank J. at 12:45 PM | Email This

Now that the press seems pretty comfortable showing terrorists propaganda or even making up stories to help in the enemy's proganda efforts, how much longer until the press cuts the middle man and reporters actually pick up rifles and shoot our troops directly?

I say the troops should start shooting reporters now before that happens.

Rating: 3.0/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (18)
Name that Party!
Posted by Frank J. at 11:40 AM | Email This

Now usually I think that all other political parties other than the main two are stupid and gay, and, if you want to change things, then your best bet is to try and take over the direction of one of those two parties, but let's just entertain the notion for a moment of having to start our own party because the Republicans go all Commie. If we were to start our own party, what would be a good name for it? Most party names are pretty boring. The Democrats and Republicans get their names from types of government, and party names like the Libertarians and the Constitutional Party or the Conservative Party are equally boring. The Green Party just makes me think of sickly people.

So what would be some good names for an awesome political party?

How about:

The Marauders
The Fighting Plutocrats
The Death to All Enemies Party
Team Hellbender

Put your idea for political party names in the comments.

Rating: 2.5/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (53)
Listen to Lair
Posted by Frank J. at 10:44 AM | Email This

Or you're dumb.

I just want to second what Lair said about voting for his story in the Podcast Pickle contest. I just listened to his story last night and the technical skill in putting it together is awesome (not to mention the story is good too). Everyone should give it a listen even if you're too late to vote. Hopefully he can bring that skill to the podcast when we start it back up again. Then we'll totally blow everyone's minds and make all other podcasts look like crap.

Rating: 2.3/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (2)
Hugh Hewitt Is a Very Smart Man
Posted by Frank J. at 10:39 AM | Email This

And the Rose Bowl committee should listen to him.

Boise State (my Joe foo' the Marine's alma mater) is undefeated this season and I hear from my father (who has BSU season tickets and a reserved parking spot for tailgate parties) they have a lock on the Fiesta Bowl, but why not give them a shot at the big time? I don't think any city is more dedicated to a college team than Boise (the Broncos are the closest thing Idaho has to a pro anything). Also, they're the eternal underdogs (they do too well for too long, a college with more money steals their coach). America loves underdogs.

Yeah, they'll probably be whupped horrible by Michigan (the Boise players are tiny compared to most of the other ranked teams), but maybe, just maybe, they could manage a win.

Potato power!

Rating: 2.7/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Will "Bag Man" win?
Posted by Laurence Simon at 10:09 AM | Email This

Okay, folks, so I haven't had any funny for a while (possibly every). But it's all been for a good reason, big project in the works.

Until then, yYou know the drill: Listen here, Register here, and Vote here.

There's still two hours of voting to go. At of 9AM, I'm ahead by one single razor-thin vote.

Oh, and thanks to those of y'all who wrote me regarding the story. It's my goal to put that amount of effort and depth into Crappy Bedtime Stories when the IMAO Podcast grinds back up into production.

It wasn't easy gathering up all those sounds and mixing the living daylights out of the thing, but the blood, sweat, tears, and catpiss all show in the end product.

Until then, I'll just duck out of the way, work on this big project sure to shake the foundations of Reality itself, and let the others resume the constant torrent of funny you're used to.

Rating: 2.5/5 (14 votes cast)

IMAO Exclusive: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's Letter to Canada
Posted by Frank J. at 10:04 AM | Email This

As you know, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad recently wrote a letter to America. What you probably didn't know is that he has been writing letter to Canada for some time. A Canadian reader recently sent us a copy of the latest and you can see it for the first time exclusively here on IMAO:

Dear Canada,

How has your November been? Mine has been lots of fun. I just wrote America a letter for the first time, and I worked very hard on it. I doubt America will write me back, though, since they are so arrogant. You already know that being so close to them. That must suck. At least you're not near Israel as they can be even more mean sometimes. They try to bake our children's blood into matzo which is a lot like a cracker.

I saw this neat documentary about America the other day by this man named Borat who is from Kazakhstan. He and I are very much alike as we are both very concernced with the threat of Jews. Also, I often wrestle men naked when I get mad. I hope Borat will come to Iran and do a film as he should like it much better here than in America. I also saw a film with pirates that was lots of fun. You should make some pirate movies as I would definitely go see them.

Have you tried blogging? I love blogging. Writing whatever you feel like can be very fun. I just wish I could get more visitors to my blog. I hope to one day get the DailyKos to link to me. That's one of the few blogs out there that really gets me as the people there support me and my great vision for Iran and the Middle East. And I think they're American. Who would have thunk? I guess not all Americans are bad. Are there any Americans you like? I am just happy that some are not ignorant and know that Iran is a very sophisticated country that should be looked up to as an example to the world.

Today we're hanging more gay people which should be festive. I know you are against the death penalty, but you must realize that the American government is even worse as they execute many people who aren't even gay. Also, our death penalty is much less sexist as we also execute many women such as sluts who trick men into raping them. Stoning them to death is just part of the Islamic respect for women, and smart people understand that. We have many less reports of rape than Western nations because of this respect.

A monkey climbed through my window and bit me the other day. That makes me worried about our security. If a monkey can get to me, then surely the offspring of monkeys, the Jews, could get to me as well. I'm afraid they will blow up all our work on nuclear energy. Would you be willing to hide some of our nuclear material if needed? I'd understand if you say no, but it would be really cool of you to do it.

Do you ever feel ignored being next to that big, pushy America? I used to feel ignored because I'm short, but now I'm president. Things will get better for you. Did you know a gorilla only has a two-inch penis? That sort of puts things into perspective.

I'm less worried about America invading us now that they elected the Democrats. The Democrats may even be nice to me as many seem to listen to the DailyKos. I'm much more worried about China since I watched some movies with ninjas in them. I couldn't get to sleep because all night I thought there was a ninja on the ceiling. If China got angry at me, then there could be a ninja for real. I thought I saw a ninja the other day, but it was just a Sunni woman in a burka. If she tried to flip around and throw sharp things at me, I'm sure her husband would beat her.

Isn't it mean how many people in America make fun of my name for being long and complex? It's not like I make fun of their names for being short and overly simple. "Bush" to me seems a lot like a sound you make when you burp. How is that a name? Do you ever get made fun of for your long names like Saskatchewan?

Do you ever get stressed out? When I get stressed out, I like to lead people in a chant of "Death to America" and "Death to Israel." Of course, that's only an expressions of our disagreement with their Crusader and Zionist policies and not to be taken literally. Still, if I could get rid of one, I wonder who I would choose? America is the Great Satan, but it's all the way on the other side of the world. Israel is much closer and those Jews are wily. I guess the decision would be much easier for you, but do not underestimate the Jew threat.

Want to know a secret? Everyone actually hates the Palestinians. They're a bunch of morons. I hope when we one day push the Jews into the sea the Palestinians don't actually think we will want to be their friends. If so, I'm going to push them right into the sea with the Jews. I'd stay out of the sea after that if I were you.

People keep saying I'm crazy, but I'm not. Still, all the talk has made me question myself sometimes. The other weekend, I masturbated to some documentaries about the Holocaust. Is that weird? I asked an imam, and he told me it was okay but I should keep it to myself. It's nice to have imams to ask questions to. Who do you ask questions to when you're worried about things? New Zealand?

Please write me back soon.

Hugs and Kisses,
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

P.S. If you think you see the Twelfth Imam, e-mail me right away. Thanks!

Rating: 2.8/5 (25 votes cast)

Comments (7) | IMAO Exclusives
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 10:01 AM | Email This


1) (T/F) Future presidents Kennedy and Nixon are seen promoting Duff Beer in the early 1960's

2) Who wrote the book, "The Truth About Whacking Day"?

3) (T/F) Homer's quote in his senior-year high school year book was, "That's-a spicy meat-a ball"

4) Who was Marge and Homer's high school principal?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.2/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (4) | Simpsons Trivia
November 29, 2006
Posted by Frank J. at 05:36 PM | Email This

Feldmann installation : Visitors look at a light installation by artist Karl Feldmann projected on Dresden's Frauenkirche (Church of Our Lady) as part of the festivities to celebrate Dresden's 800th anniversary. (AFP/DDP/Norbert Millauer)

Rating: 2.7/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Pope Whatshisname Reaches Out To Religion Of Peace . . .
Posted by Frank J. at 05:00 PM | Email This


Rating: 2.1/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (7)
I Thought the Excessive Shooting of Black People Was Supposed to End When Giuliani Left Office
Posted by Frank J. at 04:16 PM | Email This

I missed when this story first broke because I was on vacation when it happened, but my understanding is that five police officers fired on three unarmed black youths (not a euphemism for "Muslims" in this case, I think) for some reason or another - but most likely because they were black. Now, police shoot black people all the time for no reason, but what makes this significant is that only two of the officers were white while one was Hispanic and the other two were black themselves (and I think still are). That means we had a number of races united in hating and killing black people for no reason. That to me seems to indicate we're finally getting past our primitive racist impulses and uniting as one beautiful people.

Still, Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton are trying to make this a racial incident because that's how they make the money. You can call them lots of things, but you can't call them lazy. They'd squeeze racism out of a stone if they had to. And now we have this new player City Councilmember Charles Barron calling for violence against police officers. I don't think that's a wise idea. New York City police officers tend to unload their guns into you even without violent provocation, so who knows what they'll do if you actually attack them.

My favorite part of this is little Bloomberg condemning the incident based on only knowing how many shots were fired. Bloomberg just has that hard-boiled look to him where you can tell he's been in countless shootouts and knows exactly how they should play out. The race pimps aren't satisfied with Bloomberg's condemnation of the incident, though, but maybe he can placate them better by presenting them a lollipop while dancing and singing a song.

All in all, this seems like a very tragic event surrounded by a big clown show. Anyone who criticizes the cops is chickenhawk, though, unless he himself is willing to put on a uniform and shoot at black people.

Rating: 1.9/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (18)
Hopefully Soon Blood Will Be Drawn
Posted by Frank J. at 03:28 PM | Email This

Sadly, No! is now trying to set the terms for round two of the photoshop duel. Eh. Hopefully that will turn out interesting.

So what is that site? My understanding is that it's supposed to be a left-wing humor site but it really seems more like just free-form poetry. I think they do logo clean up, though, which is good because I didn't know what I was doing when I put the moon behind our logo and now the IMAO letters are pixilated on the edges.

Maybe I should just replace our logo with another ad...

Any ideas for other rounds? Maybe who can do the best representation of what Michael Moore would look like if he were thin (he's fat).

Rating: 2.6/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (9)
In My World: A Punch to the Face
Posted by Frank J. at 02:19 PM | Email This

"All I'm saying is that we need a draft because our military is full of morons," Representative Charlie Rangel told Chris Wallace. "Most who join the military are people who wandered into a recruiting office thinking it was a candy store and then were too stupid to figure out how to use the door knob to get out. By drafting smarter people into the military, we'll free up the mentally handicapped who currently serve so they can go back to sweeping the floors at McDonalds."

"Do you really think it's wise to talk about the troops in such a demeaning way?" Wallace asked.

"We Democrats made our complete and utter contempt for the military clear before the election and take the result of the election to mean that the American people share our contempt for the inbred morons we now have risking their lives overseas."

President Bush shut off the TV. "I wish that man would just SHUT UP!"

Tony Snow nodded. "What he's saying is pretty despicable."

"Oh, I was just talking about his voice; it's so annoying and raspy." Bush looked to Tony with concern. "Why? What was he saying? Was it about me?"

Tony rolled his eyes. "Anyway, I have to explain to the press how you missed your last speech because you got trapped in a bathroom stall again."

"Okay, but have you seen Rummy around?"

"I believe he was last seen being lead away by police as the suspect for a long series of serial killings."

Bush chuckled. "That wacky Rummy; what mischief will he get into next."

Tony left and a group of fat Republican Congressman smoking cigars entered the Oval Office. Bush looked at his schedule. "I'm supposed to meet with the new Republican leadership now, but you guys look like the old leadership."

"Ha!" Roy Blunt laughed, his belly shaking like a bowl full of tax money. "We didn't see any reason to change leadership. We're the Republican Party and we know what's best."

"But won't the base be unhappy with no changes after the big election loss?" Bush asked.

"Our response to the Republican base will be to punch them in the face, knock them down into a puddle, spit on them, and then yell, 'What are you going to do? Start your own party?'" Blunt and the rest of the Congressman then laughed.

Bush thought for a moment. "I don't think they'll like that."

"So what? What are they going to do? Start their own party?" Representative Boehner demanded.

Bush shrugged. "Yeah, I guess they can't do that. It's not like they're going to vote for whatever dyed blue freak holding a ferret the Libertarians are fielding either." He then noticed Trent Lott was with the group. "Hey, I thought he got thrown out of leadership years ago."

"But I'm back now!" Lott exclaimed. "And I'm the new minority whip in the Senate!" He pulled out a whip and cracked it in the air. "That's right! I'm going to whip me some minorities! Gonna whip the black right off 'em!"

Blunt shrugged. "We'll talk to him."

"So what are we going to do about the border issue?" Bush asked. "Everyone keeps yelling at me over that one."

Blunt thought about it. "Well, I mentioned how we are going to punch the Republican base in the face. I guess we can also yell at them to stop hating brown people. It's not like we want to stop Mexicans from getting in here; if we don't get more of them, who will cut my lawn? You?"

"Sure, I can do it," Bush said. "With my new lame duck status, I have more free time."

"Nah... you'd do it all wrong. It has to be done my Mexicans."

Bush shook his head. "I dunno. A lot of people are going to get angry if we don't at least pretend to do something about illegal immigration."

"I'll stop the Mexicans!" Lott shouted. "I'll whip the chalupas right out of their hands." He cracked his whip some more.

Bush looked back towards Blunt. "You are going to talk to him, right?"

"Eh, I don't see any reason to worry. Remember, all we have to do is be better than the Democrats. That's like trying to out run an invalid; why even break a sweat?"

"I guess that makes sense. Does Rove approve of all of this?"

The hooded figure of Karl Rove emerged from the shadows. "Everything is going according to plan."

"And you do have an actual plan, right?" Bush asked. "This isn't like how Battlestar Gallatica starts by saying the Cylons have a plan but with each new episode you doubt that even more?"

Karl Rove laughed an evil laugh and disappeared back into the shadows.

"Well, we better get back to work," Blunt said. "It's not like the Republican base will punch themselves. Isn't that right, Representative Coca-Cola?"

A Congressman nodded in approval.

Bush furrowed his brow. "Representative Coca-Cola?"

"I sold my last name out as advertising space!" Coca-Cola said.

"Is that a conflict of interest?"

Coca-Cola began to advance on Bush, but Blunt grabbed his shoulder. "We're not allowed to punch him in the face."

The Congressmen left and Bush sat down at his desk and took a Nintendo DS out of a drawer. "Man, this job got less stressful when I realized that, whether I'm achieving great things or I'm a lame duck who spends all day playing videogames, I still get paid the same."

Rating: 2.8/5 (26 votes cast)

Comments (12) | In My World
Judge Demands that Radio Be More Available to Deaf People
Posted by RightWingDuck at 01:21 PM | Email This

Today, a judge declared that radio is unfair to Deaf people. Radio has 90 days to figure out how to make itself available to those who are hard of hearing.

Said the judge, "After I thought about how paper money is unfair to blind people, I started thinking about how other people with less-than-abilities could benefit from my help. Since the public owns the airwaves, it’s only logical that they be made readily available to everyone to avoid any inconvenience. Even if they can't hear."

Said a spokesman for the American Association for Deaf People Who Want Radios (AADPWWR), "This is an important statement and this judge showed excellent judgement. There are deaf people out there who don't know what they're listening to. Many times, deaf people try to listen and enjoy the radio but accidentally end up listening to either static or Air America."

Air America and static have been fighting a vicious ratings war in the last year.

No statement was available from any of the radio stations who might be impacted by this recommendation.

Rating: 2.9/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (13)
Buy My Book and Support the Troops
Posted by Frank J. at 11:38 AM | Email This

I felt kinda bad taking money just for signing books, but I don't want to make it free so I have to sign every book. So, now the extra $5 goes to Spirit of America, and an anonymous donor is matching that $5 contribution (up to a $1000 total) so that $10 is donated for each signed copy. Go order a signed copy and help support the troops' mission. Also, make sure to tell me what message you want in the autograph. As always, it will include a self-portrait, though for that portrait it will be important to remember that hat means Frank J. (the reminder will be included with the portrait).

Also, my post about why a wall on the border is a dumb idea is up at Right Wing News.

Rating: 2.4/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 11:15 AM | Email This


1) In a "Treehouse of Horror" episode, who gets turned into a fly?

2) Who is the son of carny Cooter?

3) What is the name of Snake's car?

4) How do you spell Apu's last name?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.5/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Simpsons Trivia
IMAO Around Town
Posted by Frank J. at 09:48 AM | Email This

I'm guest-blogging at Right Wing News today, and I've already done one little post and plan a longer post about border security for later. I'm still planning to post a new In My World™ here later today, though.

Also, make sure to support your local photoshopper as he duels with Gavin M. of the left-wing site Unfunny? Yes! Victory will be ours and then I'll get his site to host more of my ads!

Rating: 2.3/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (3)
November 28, 2006
Flying Imams Terrorize Minneapolis-St. Paul Airport
Posted by Frank J. at 08:53 PM | Email This


OK Gavin M., I'll take up your photoshop duel challenge--if you mess with one of my street 'ho's, you mess with me.

Your challenge is to come up with a funnier take on the "flying imams" story than the one above. After you fail, you get to pick the next topic, create a photoshop, and I will try to best you, and so on and so forth. Choose a particular picture, a phrase, a theme, a person--I don't care. Let's see what you've got . . .

UPDATE: Although Gavin M. came back with a worthy response, I still feel compelled to declare victory.

Also, constructive criticizers, if you think I'm going to spend the time required to put together Worth 1000 level submissions, you need to put down the crackpipe/Jesus juice (depending on your political persuasion). I'm not on public assistance, in college , a graphic artist, or single--all prerequisites for that level of dedication.

In other news . . . NASA scientists are perplexed . . .


Rating: 3.1/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (21)
Bears-Packers Rivalry Now Classified As "Civil War"
Posted by Harvey at 05:39 PM | Email This

In a major decision by NBC, the long-standing rivalry between the Green Bay Packers and the Chicago Bears will now be referred to as a "Civil War".

In a morning press conference today, Matt Lauer, co-anchor of NBC's "Today" show explained, "after careful consideration, NBC News has decided a change in terminology is warranted, that the situation in NFC North Division with armed militarized factions fighting for their own political agendas can now be characterized as civil war."

Lauer was quick to dismiss criticism of the decision.

"While some may not agree with our new terminology, I'd like to point out several salient facts:

"First, Brett Favre has frequently been referred to as a 'gunslinger' with a 'rocket arm' that has launched thousands of murderous, high-speed footballs that have killed millions, or at least broken Donald Driver's finger once."

"Second, Bears coach Lovie Smith [no relation to Mrs. Thurston Howell III - ed.] has declared repeatedly that his goal is to build a team that can defeat the Packers. Now THAT'S an agenda!"

When asked about whether either team was technically "militarized", Lauer countered with incontrovertible evidence.

"What? Are you blind? They wear UNIFORMS! And talk about well-armed! Everywhere you go: Cheeseheads! Cheeseheads! Cheeseheads!... They may not look very formidable, but those things have corners... pointy corners..."

cheesehead extremist.jpg
Murderous Cheesehead extremist prepares for battle in NFC North Civil War.

Meanwhile, other news organizations have been swept up in the re-classification mania and will henceforth refer to the following as Civil Wars:

* Arguing over how to split the check during a "girl's night out".

* Squirmy toddler diaper-changing.

* Any Dick Cheney hunting trip.

IMAO will continue to bring you further updates, unless we're too busy fighting a Civil War with some sort of War Mongering Horde.

Rating: 2.5/5 (26 votes cast)

Comments (14) | Newsish Fakery
Shopping Ideas from IMAO!
Posted by RightWingDuck at 12:32 PM | Email This

The Christmas season is here and it’s time to reach out to each other in the spirit of the season and move our country forward. It's time to reach out to liberals.

But how do we do that? What kind of gift do you give somebody who might be offended at the idea of saying Merry Christmas?

That’s where the IMAO giftshop comes in. We have a special line of toys and other gifts that are sure to make you a hit with all of your liberal friends.

For example, try today’s gift suggestion…


Rating: 2.7/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (4)
There's No Bad Publicity
Posted by Frank J. at 12:20 PM | Email This

I need publicity to sell my book, and people are already helping out. Wild Bill is spreading lies about me here and here. Sadly, No! is making fun of my primitive conservative humor ("Right-wing humor is so easy, a caveman could do it!").

If you have a blog, you can join in and bad mouth me. Otherwise, you can send out e-mails trashing me.

Anyway, soon I'm writing an editorial of an extremely controversial viewpoint for the sole purpose of gaining publicity to promote my book. Remember to be outraged.

Rating: 2.6/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (17)
Don't Call Them The Democrat Party
Posted by spacemonkey at 12:09 PM | Email This

I heard on Rush Limbaugh yesterday that some of the Democrats are bent out of shape because some people, Rush and Bush included, call their party the Democrat Party instead of the Democratic Party. I know I do this.

I guess they want at least the idea of Democracy to be somewhat associated with them. Sell the sizzle, not the steak and all that.

But is it very democratic to dictate to others what you would have them call you? Oh, I think not. Dictatorly, that's what it is.

But, since they want to be all democratic-like, what to call them should be decided in a democratical way.

By a vote. And vote we will. Now taking nominations. No profanity please.

What would be a good democratically chosen name for the party with the big smelly ass for a mascot?

Rating: 2.4/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (59)
Michael Moore Wants to Cut and Run and Eat a Hundred Tacos in One Sitting
Posted by Frank J. at 11:17 AM | Email This

I'm assuming the second part.

Moore has been writing a lot of letters lately; maybe he got wedged in his computer chair and can’t get out. And, since videogames are boring if your strategy is to always cut and run, he might as well write long e-mails. Here's the newest one:

Cut and Run, the Only Brave Thing to Do

Sunday, November 26th, 2006


Tomorrow marks the day that we will have been in Iraq longer than we were in all of World War II.

Which is significant because....

That's right. We were able to defeat all of Nazi Germany, Mussolini, and the entire Japanese empire in LESS time than it's taken the world's only superpower to secure the road from the airport to downtown Baghdad.

Actually, I think we're still in Germany and Japan. Plus, back then, we were more blood-thirsty. Maybe we need to kill more of our enemy. You may have a point, fatty.

And we haven't even done THAT. After 1,347 days, in the same time it took us to took us to sweep across North Africa, storm the beaches of Italy, conquer the South Pacific, and liberate all of Western Europe, we cannot, after over 3 and 1/2 years, even take over a single highway and protect ourselves from a homemade device of two tin cans placed in a pothole.

And after 1,347 days of WII (isn't that the new Nintendo system?) it was nothing but happy times in Europe, wasn’t it? Stop trying to think with the fat in your head, fatty fat fat. Use that brain!

"Ooh! People are using bombs against us! We better give up now!" Are you arguing that anytime a few people can make bombs, we have to flee like Frenchman? Should we exit Montana?

You are so fat!


Rating: 3.0/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (42)
I'm Back!
Posted by Frank J. at 09:34 AM | Email This


I have a bit of catching up to do, and first off is go through my e-mail. Also, I've seen like no news for a week, so I'll need to look into what's happening.

Did the Republicans decide to completely change their ways so they can whup the Democrats in two years?

Did Rangel apologize to the troops and declare he does nothing but moronically insult the troops in an annoying voice so he should really stop talking?

Did the Democrats just come to grips that they can't govern and have no ideas and declare they will hand over the government to more responsible people?

That would super if all that happened. I should check the news. While I do that, you can buy my book.

UPDATE: I guess I should give clearer instructions on the signed copies of the book. There's a field to fill in for what personalized message you want in the signature like "To my greatest fan ever" or "To the largest fan ever" or "I just wrote all over your book and there are no refunds." If you already ordered a signed copy and want to put some instructions on the signature, just e-mail NTM Publishing sales with the further instructions.

Rating: 2.8/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (4)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 09:09 AM | Email This


1) (T/F) Whip'N'Pup is the name of the Simpson's dog

2) When Homer and Snake are fighting all over Snake's moving car, what does the car eventually run into?

3) In Vietnam, Seymour Skinner got a metal plate put where?

4) Who are the barflies usually seen in Moe's Tavern with Barney?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.1/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (6) | Simpsons Trivia
November 27, 2006
Pickle Tales - Round 2
Posted by Laurence Simon at 11:09 AM | Email This

Y'all are just champing at the bit for another IMAO podcast, aren't you?

Well, while you're waiting, at least one of the IMAO podcasters isn't sitting by idly, waiting for the call... (no, it's not Harvey),

First off, thanks to everyone for their support in Round One with my story "Lincoln, As I Recall..."

Well, it's time for Round Two, and my tale "Bag Man" is among the six stories in this round.

You know the drill: Listen to the stories here, register for the forums here, and then vote for your favorite here.

The show is 60 minutes long, but after ten minutes or so you should pretty much be settled on which story is the best.

Rating: 3.0/5 (17 votes cast)

Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 07:18 AM | Email This


1) (T/F) Sideshow Mel is Sideshow Bob's brother?

2) Sideshow Bob's brother threatens to blow up what?

3) What is the name of the catalog from the Springfield sperm bank?

4) In "Brother From Another Series", what's the name of Cousin Merle's smell-hound?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.3/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Simpsons Trivia
Heading Home
Posted by Frank J. at 02:49 AM | Email This

We're right now somewhere between Memphis and Nashville, and we should be returning home tomorrow. Then I'm right back to work and blogging in full force (some creativity gets pent up when I'm away this long). Also, I'm going to be book promoting in full force because I need money. Tell everyone how much you love Chronicles of Dubya even though you haven't gotten it yet (how could it be bad?). I'll put up some pictures of the proof soon so you can scope out the full book. It's pretty thick, and I can't wait to whap my dog on the head with it next time she's bad.

Anyway, a few notes:

* The first IMAO book isn't The Chronicles of Dubya Volume 1, it's One Hundred 100 Word Stories, the book written by the only IMAO blogger who blogs under his actual name.

* I'll be guest blogging at Right Wing News on Wednesday, and I do have an exclusive post planned that will be a bit different than me (there will be other guest bloggers Monday through Wednesday as well who are listed on the site).

* So much plans for when I get back... hopefully I'll have time and won't just play videogames...

* I have barely read any e-mails from the past week, so expect a delay on catching up.

* Have you pre-ordered my book? Why not? You not want a good book? You want my family to starve? I hate you! Buy now!

Rating: 2.4/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (5)
November 26, 2006
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 09:13 AM | Email This


1) (T/F) Carrots are the design on the Simpsons kitchen curtains

2) Which Simpson character was on the cover of Rolling Stone in June, 1990?

3) Which character is allergic to regular milk?

4) Who drove the vehicle that ran over Snowball II I?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 1.7/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (6) | Simpsons Trivia
November 25, 2006
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 03:45 PM | Email This


1) (T/F) "Give a hoot, read a book" is the slogan for Krusty's literacy campaign

2) In "Krusty Gets Busted", according to Bart, what do all good-hearted people have?

3) When Krusty gets busted, why does he accidentally plead guilty in court?

4) What is Abe Simpson's opinion of "The Happy Little Elves" cartoons?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.8/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (4) | Simpsons Trivia
November 24, 2006
The Chronicles of Dubya is so good it made Frank sick!
Posted by sarahk at 11:14 PM | Email This

We received the proof for the new book from NTM Publishing, The Chronicles of Dubya Volume 1 etc. etc., today. The book is so great that it made Frank J. sick! He's now in bed with the flu or a stomach virus that came with a 101 degree fever (or temperature - I guess it's only a 2.4 degree fever). Personally, I think he's just avoiding my mom's side of the family - the Ks must have worn him out.

But you know what would make Frank feel better? You buying lots of copies of our new book! We're so proud of it, especially now that we've seen it.

The books start shipping in early December, so order yours now to get them in time for Christmas!

Rating: 2.6/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (8)
RIP Gerald Boyd
Posted by Laurence Simon at 12:57 PM | Email This

Gerald Boyd, the man who helped advance anti-American liberalism and diversity-for-its-own-sake-at-any-cost at the New York Times, died yesterday at the age of 56.

I just received an email from Jayson Blair, former employee and student of Gerald Boyd at the New York Times, and he lists the following items as Gerald Boyd's Top Ten Accomplishments At The New York Times:

10. First African-American on the moon, established first Lunar News Bureau.

9. Spoke twelve languages fluently, including Klingon.

8. It was Gerald Boyd's trident that Bill Brassky used to stab Wolfman Jack.

7. Personally kissed every newspaper in the upper-right corner as a symbol of his blessing.

6. Repelled the Martian Invasion of 2002 with nothing more than a 9-Volt battery, some Wrigley's gum and a pair of paperclips.

5. Spiked the story of the Martian Invasion of 2002 because he didn't believe in reporters becoming the story and it would have made the Bush Administration and the military look incapable of protecting the country against foreign threats.

4. Won the Pulitzer Prize with nothing more than a stream of commands, periods, exclamation points, and semicolons because of the strength of his moral standing.

3. Secretly negotiated the peace between Hulk Hogan and Rowdy Roddy Piper for lasting peace in the WWE - something that eluded Jimmy Carter and all presidents since.

2. Formulated a cancer-curing ink for newsprint editions. Sadly, his research on cancer-curing animated GIF patterns for the online edition never came to fruition despite some heartening tests on mice and earthworms.

1. Partnered with Uri Geller to develop method of remote-viewing of news events to eliminate the need for correspondents to travel to the location, interview witnesses, or fact-check eyewitness claims against reliable sources and records.

No. Really. It's really from Jayson Blair.

Would I lie to you?

Rating: 2.7/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (13)
Friday Catblogging
Posted by Laurence Simon at 10:47 AM | Email This

Since it's Friday, I thought I'd spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka "I-MEOW").

Everybody else is in a coma because of the turkey. Well, not the turkey, but the "special" gravy that Russian Premier Vladimir Putin sent us to go along with it.

Being a Jew of Russian Extraction, it is in my genes not to trust the tsars, so I passed on that component of the IMAO Thanksgiving Meal. Oh, and Putin's Polonium Pie... oops, Pumpkin Pie.

Anyway, it's time for Piper the Greedy:

If you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Piper is... um...

Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.

You can find more examples of Friday catblogging by searching a blog search engine such as Technorati for "catblogging."

You can also find a roundup of catblogging posts at The Friday Ark, located at The Modulator blog.

Then, when the weekend is nearly over, head over to The Carnival of the Cats for more kitty goodness.

There's also Flickr Groups called Furry Friday and Friday Catblogging.

Anybody I miss?

Rating: 2.3/5 (27 votes cast)

Comments (6) | Friday Cat-Blogging
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 09:15 AM | Email This


1) Maggie is practically never seen without her what?

2) (T/F) "Scandals & Suicides" is the TV show that does a feature on Homer's sexual-assault scandal

3) Who does Bart think chopped up George Washington?

4) What is Bart's cherished toddler toy?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.5/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Simpsons Trivia
November 23, 2006
Be the First to Order!
Posted by Frank J. at 07:14 PM | Email This

One thing I'm thankful for today is that the NTM Publishing site is now up and the The Chronicles of Dubya Volume 1 is ready to order!

Just head on over, check out the FAQ, see the sample, and order a copy! It's currently only available from NTM Publishing, and we're offering it all at a special Christmas discount price. Also, signed copies will be available.

I only have sporadic internet until Tuesday, so you'll all have to spread the word for now. Tell everyone! The first book from IMAO is finally out and only a fool wouldn't own it! A fool!

It will begin shipping in December (plenty of time to get to you in time for Christmas), but you can preorder now. Please do, so we know how many to have printed to meet the demand this holiday season. Remember, all proceeds go to the help get the Flemings out of debt fund.

Rating: 2.2/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 09:25 AM | Email This


1) Which adult Simpsons character still lives with his mother?

2) In what public place do Marge and Homer get caught making love?

3) Homer climbs to the top of a mountain to promote what "nutritional" product?

4) What type of glue does Bart use to attach joke shop stuff to his face?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.4/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (7) | Simpsons Trivia
November 22, 2006
Posted by Laurence Simon at 04:51 PM | Email This

I'm tired of these annual President Pardons The Turkey headlines.

I don't want to turn on the news and see a president pardoning a turkey.

I don't even want to see him pardon two turkeys.

This is a former Texas governor. He should never, ever offer clemency to the condemned.

I want to see Bush heft up an axe and bring it down on the neck of the turkey, killing that suck dead for his crimes against society.


Rating: 1.8/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (16)
Fun Facts About Rhode Island
Posted by Harvey at 03:34 PM | Email This

While the IMAO podcast is still MIA, I'm going to keep posting the latest uncut Fun Facts About The 50 States - hopefully on a weekly schedule.

(continued in extended entry)


Rating: 2.3/5 (31 votes cast)

Comments (4) | Fun Trivia
The First Thanksgiving
Posted by RightWingDuck at 03:33 PM | Email This

A group of Natives gather on a rocky cliff. Below they see a ship pulling up to shore. Even at this distance, they can see that these visitors are not from the local area.

Chief Killthebear looks at his Indians. “There goes the neighborhood.”


Captain James Seymour watches as his men drag the rowboat to the shore. He and his men look up to see a waiting squad of Native natives.

Captain: Oh, look. Valet parking.


Meanwhile back at the ship.

Chastity Smyth: We see the men have landed on shore and now they are greeting some of the locals.

Charity Smyth: Verily. This has been a painful and difficult cruise.

Chastity: Verily I say also. We lost many a people on this journey.

Charity: Yes, I don’t know why so many people refused to eat. We had plenty of food but they refused to touch any of it.

Chastity: Were they afraid of poisoning?

Charity: No, the Norwalk virus.


Captain Seymour looks at the group of Native natives.

Captain: Ensign Johnson, you are good with languages. Try to talk to them.

Ensign: Sure thing, Captain. (to natives) DO. ANY. OF. YOU. SPEAK. ENGLISH?

The natives look at each other in confusion.

Captain Seymour: It’s not working. Try speaking louder. It HAS to work. Look, here comes one of them now.

Esperanto: How are you? Welcome to our land. I assume you have your immigration paperwork?


Back at the ship.

Charity: I don’t think I’m ever going to take this kind of cruise again. It wasn’t at all what it was advertised.

Chastity: Verily. Screw Kathy Lee Gifford.

Charity: The entertainment was awful.

Chastity: Yeah. That was the worst stand up comedian every. He spent the whole journey uttering racial slurs.

Charity: Really sad. He was so good on Seinfeld.


Esperanto: I speak all the languages of the world.

Ensign: Muy Bueno!!

Esperanto: Say what?


Rating: 2.4/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 09:30 AM | Email This


1) Which one of Homer's friends is almost always tipsy?

2) What kind of beer does Homer drink?

3) Which Simpson character says he can't commit to a relationship?

4) What's Krusty's street address?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.3/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Simpsons Trivia
November 21, 2006
Doesn't Anyone Spellcheck Anymore?
Posted by Harvey at 03:59 PM | Email This

Cindy Sheehan and her little friend Medea Benjamin of Code Pink are out protesting in Korea, but neglected to proofread their sign:

[pic via alert from GOP and the City]

Here's the original Yahoo! News story (and a screenshot, in case they delete it)

Near as I can tell, it's not a photoshop job. However, that just means that it ought to BE one.

I took the liberty of removing the words and leaving a blank sign. I also rotated the picture some so that you can easily add your own text without having to rotate it and make it all distorted.

Have fun with this. If you make your own sign, leave a link to your post in the comments.

Or - if you're photoshopically deficient - just leave what you think the sign should say.

Like maybe:

"Stupid and oblivious"

"Desperate for attention"

or my personal favorite:

(see also GOP & The City's Photoshop Contest)

Rating: 2.5/5 (24 votes cast)

Comments (54) | Best of IMAO 2006 ~ | Newsish Fakery
What's with all the questions! Including this one!
Posted by spacemonkey at 12:30 PM | Email This

I just noticed how many of our recent post's titles have ended with question marks.

So I don't appear uncertain, I am changing mine to exclamation points.

Rating: 2.6/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Hmmm IMAO On TV! FOX Even!
Posted by spacemonkey at 11:31 AM | Email This

Could the crew here at IMAO make a go at a Daily Show-esque" comedic news type TV show? I can be very silly. So can most of us.

I'd love to interview me some Democrats. And I don't necessarily mean I'd commit any violence against them by that statement. Of course I must have been thinking about violence or I probably wouldn't have felt a need to clear that up. Anyway, I promise make a conscious effort to appear to be nonviolent.

Hey, this would be a great way to promote a book. (hint, hint Frank J)

I think maybe that it could work. I, for one, would need ridiculously obscene amounts of cash though and of course people to cater to my every whim for my amusement. I'd need my very own gravy chef. And My Right Foot would have its own closet full of shoe.

At least Jay Tea at Wizbang thinks we might could do it.

I know we'd need someone to run the cameras. And we'd all need to be better looking except for Sarahk.

I'd love to hear from the rest of the crew at IMAO on this.

I can't decide whether to ask you What do you think, what else to demand or what else we need to make this work.

So take your pick,. and no fair saying we're unattractive, I've already called that one.

Rating: 2.5/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (17)
Buttpirates For Bombers?
Posted by Laurence Simon at 11:13 AM | Email This

Meryl mentions the recent Israeli High Court decision to offer symbolic recognition to gay marriages.

Meanwhile, Queers For Palestine keeps marching with light loafers against the Jewish State, despite it being the only nation in the Middle East where they can march, marry, and it's not a crime for them to be homosexual.

Yes, the ultra-Orthodox hate their guts, but when they pick up a rock and huck it at the homosexualim, it's the rock-thrower who gets arrested, not the homosexualim.

As Zombietime calls them:

No single group better exemplifies the cognitive dissonance on display at these rallies than Queers for Palestine, also known as QUIT -- Queers Undermining Israeli Terror.

In the past, I've struggled with settling on a single snarky term for Queers For Palestine, so I IM-ed a few folks to see what we could come up with...

10. Polesmokers For Palestine
9. The Limp-Wristed Resistance Movement
8. Queers For Qassams
7. C***suckers For The Caliphate
6. Glory Hole Holy Warriors
5. Al Aqsa Fairies Brigade
4. Islamic Gee, I Had Such A Nice Time In the Castro Last Month
3. Mohammed's Trumpet Blowers
2. Hizballsonmychin

And the number one alternative name for Queers For Palestine...

1. Gays For Genocide

Of course, these ten can't possibly be all of them. Feel free to add your own in the comments.

*** ock


Rating: 1.8/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (24)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 10:21 AM | Email This


1) Who concocts and sells a tonic that cures sexual inadequacy?

2) Who eventually gets all of The Leader's ill-gotten money?

3) After Bart discovers a comet, he is invited to join what elite group?

4) What psychiatrist helps Marge with her fear of flying?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 3.0/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (3) | Simpsons Trivia
November 20, 2006
Goat? Upside Down Plane? Parking Garage?
Posted by Harvey at 04:49 PM | Email This

Looks like a caption contest at GOP & College.

Rating: 3.1/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Maybe this is the solution to the "running out of virgins" problem?
Posted by Laurence Simon at 04:12 PM | Email This

So, this guy walks up to a checkpoint with a toy gun.

Hilarity does not result:

Earlier on Monday evening, IDF troops shot to death a Palestinian who approached a checkpoint near the West Bank city of Jericho. The man pulled a pistol as he approached the checkpoint, and in response the checkpoint commander fired at him, killing him on the spot.

After searching the body, soldiers discovered that the gun had been a metal fake

So, does this guy get seventy-two blow-up dolls?

Rating: 3.0/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (18)
A Professional Comedy Moment
Posted by RightWingDuck at 02:54 PM | Email This

Sometimes I wish my material could be as good as the stuff used by professionals.

Unfortunately, I may never reach this amazing level of comedy genius.


Insulting your audience members gets you publicity?


That's all I have to say.

Thanks for your time, doodieheads!

Caca brains.

Fatty fatty fat fats!


Update: I just read the comments section and I would like to apologize to reader Gunga for making him cry like a little girl. I did not mean my remarks to be offensive. I apologize to Gunga and all Excessively-Adiposed Americans.

Rating: 2.5/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (25)
The Chronicles of Dubya Sample
Posted by Frank J. at 01:42 PM | Email This

I'm currently in a Starbuck's just outside of Nashville trying to figure the distribution details for the book, but, while that's getting done, I thought I'd post the sample pages (whice includes the table of contents) we're going to use to promote it.

Enjoy! Hopefully we'll start taking orders in a day or two.

Rating: 2.3/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (10)
A Question For Violent Protesters Everywhere...
Posted by RightWingDuck at 01:06 PM | Email This

Why Do They Hate Andy Griffith?


Rating: 3.0/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (11)
Rep Rangel: Draft Them Into Street Gangs!!
Posted by RightWingDuck at 12:40 PM | Email This

New York Representative Charles Rangel today amended his previous statement that we should reinstate the draft. “It was my contention that the world would be safer if we knew that rich white people, like certain ones in congress, would be less likely to declare war if they knew their own kids would be drafted.”

Today, Mr. Rangel added a new change to his proposed legislation. “In addition to being drafted into the armed services, I feel that youngsters should also be drafted into local street gangs.”

According to latest statistics, very few rich white people join street gangs. Their numbers are mostly composed of young Latino and African-American males. Said Rangel, “I feel that by drafting rich white men into these groups, we could make our streets safer. Cops might not care about shooting Carlos and Jamal, but they might think twice about sending a hail of bullets into a gang if they knew they might accidentally kill Biff and Chip. This way, law enforcement would truly think about any impact their crime fighting actions might have.”

Democrats hailed this as an amazingly progressive political move. “I’ve never been prouder in my life to be a Democrat and an American,” said one leading Democrat who declined to be identified. “Of course, not everyone agrees with joining gangs, so we would offer exemptions for those who couldn’t join because of religious reasons, or because they looked awful in either red or blue.”

When asked how swelling the numbers of gang members could have any postiive benefti to society Rangel stated: "I don't have to answer that. We won the elections."


Rating: 2.1/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (13)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 10:35 AM | Email This


1) (T/F) Evil Jack is Springfield's most famous daredevil

2) After seeing a daredevil perform, Bart decides to jump over what on his skateboard?

3) How much does Bart get for his blood down on Skid Row?

4) Who is credited for writing the movie that Burns enters into the film competition?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.6/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Simpsons Trivia
November 19, 2006
IMAO exclusive TomKat wedding photos!
Posted by Frank J. at 07:27 PM | Email This


Rating: 2.7/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (14)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 10:14 AM | Email This


1) In "Selma's Choice", Homer can't go to Duff Gardens because he's sick from eating what?

2) Lisa is for a while addicted to calling what hotline?

3) Wiggum put a boot on Ms. Hoover's car until she gave Ralph what?

4) In "I Love Lisa" who does Bart portray in the school play?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 3.0/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Simpsons Trivia
November 18, 2006
Next Week
Posted by Frank J. at 01:00 PM | Email This

Yes, we should finally start taking orders next week (and it will most likely start shipping the week after). We'll soon have a site up for NTM Publishing, Inc., where there will a PDF sample of the book (including a couple of my favorite In My Worlds that I can’t imagine anyone not finding them the funniest things ever). Even better than reading a sample, you'll be able to order the book, and it will be $16.95 plus shipping. All proceeds will go to the get Frank J. and family out of debt fund. We'll offer packs of books (maybe 3 or 5... we have to think on it) at a discount so you can buy them for everyone for Christmas since there are a criminal number of people who have yet to read an In My World.

How much extra a signed copy will cost hasn't been determined yet (there's extra shipping and handling to do that), but not only will you a signature in your book but also a Frank J. self-portrait (that will explain what a hat means).

I especially like the back cover. The picture of me is in an outtake based on doing the photo shoot next to a golf course. I also have actual quotes from famous people about me (all taken out of context). Maybe I'll get an image of the back cover up later (which include the cool NTM Publishing logo).

BTW, the book is 368 pages with a Foreword, Acknowledgments, a table of contents, and 95 In My Worlds. I think it includes some of the funniest stuff I ever wrote, and I can't wait to get more reactions on it.

Yay! You can't wait for the book, and I can't wait to get your money! Everyone wins!

Now on to plot how to promote my book. Saying really controversial stuff so you get on the news seems to work. Any ideas of controversial stances I can take?

Rating: 2.7/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (16)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 11:18 AM | Email This


1) What classic movie actor does Chief Wiggum sound like?

2) In the weekly opening sequence, what time is it as Bart writes on the chalkboard?

3) After a hurricane destroys his home, what mental hospital does Ned check into?

4) Who said "Don't learn anything I wouldn't learn"?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 3.0/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (2) | Simpsons Trivia
How to Winfield Friends and Influence Podcasters
Posted by Laurence Simon at 11:13 AM | Email This

I said this and this and this and this about Sundown Lounge.

Essentially, a podcast good enough to listen to despite the host's politics and my own short attention span.

So, Larry Winfield of Sundown Lounge replies.

Notice in my four posts how I mostly said good things about his show in spite of my disagreement with his politics, but he said nothing about mine.

I also link him. A good podcaster and blogger links, even if he disagrees with the subject matter.

He... um... doesn't. You have no idea who he is talking about. Just some right-wing mo-fo that he compares to someone sending poison letters to media people and worships an anorexic nutcase and Michelle Malkin ("STOP TALKING ABOUT MICHELLE MALKIN!")

I make the effort to find the good. He...

Well, judge for yourself.


Rating: 2.5/5 (13 votes cast)

Wells Aren't for Jews
Posted by Frank J. at 10:44 AM | Email This

I have the Borat song "Throw the Jew Down the Well" stuck in my head, which is bad. Because I don't want to be at work picking up some printouts and, without thinking, start singing to myself, "Throw the Jew down the well..."

What if, while I'm singing that, a Jewish co-worker comes by and says to me, "Hey! It isn't right to want to throw me down a well!"

And my only response would be, "But I want my country to be free."

"Then you'd better find some other means to that end than throwing Jews down wells. Good day, sir."

I don't think my company hires Jews, though.

Rating: 2.4/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Throw the Saturday Down the Well
Posted by Frank J. at 09:35 AM | Email This

I hate five day work weeks (half my work weeks are only four days since we work nine hours Monday through Thursday), but a six day work week?

Well, here I am on Saturday to put in a full nine hours (and I actually have plenty to get done), but I'll take some sanity breaks to blog.

Anyhoo, this morning I saw that John Hawkins had posted a video from Chris Rock entitled "How Not to Get Your Ass Kicked" which would have been great advice for the idiot from UCLA to follow.

As we all know, Lair stuck to that advice when he had guns pointed at him, and he turned out (relatively) fine.

Rating: 2.1/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (1)
November 17, 2006
Friday Catblogging
Posted by Laurence Simon at 11:01 PM | Email This

Since it's Friday, I thought I'd spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka "I-MEOW").

Yeah, Frank and Sarah finished the book. Big whup. Will they start Friday Catblogging? Heck no... it's all up to me.

Anyway, it's time for Piper the Comatose:


If you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Piper is... um...

Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.

You can find more examples of Friday catblogging by searching a blog search engine such as Technorati for "catblogging."

You can also find a roundup of catblogging posts at The Friday Ark, located at The Modulator blog.

Then, when the weekend is nearly over, head over to The Carnival of the Cats for more kitty goodness.

There's also Flickr Groups called Furry Friday and Friday Catblogging.

Anybody I miss?

Rating: 3.1/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (3) | Friday Cat-Blogging
I Can Finally Rest
Posted by Frank J. at 07:26 PM | Email This

The book is finally sent to the printers. We will begin taking orders next week.

Oh, and I have a full nine hour work day tomorrow, so rest is temporary. And as soon as we get home, I begin the trip to Texas.


I'll get rest one of these days.

Rating: 2.3/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Moore's Law
Posted by Laurence Simon at 04:12 PM | Email This

Among Michael Moore's promises to Conservatives:

10. When we raise the minimum wage, we will pay you -- and your employees -- that new wage, too. When women are finally paid what men make, we will pay conservative women that wage, too.

Is Michael Moore actually trying to tell Conservatives that he's going to be paying them minimum wage?

Dude, Some of us actually make more than that. Thank you for the offer, we're flattered, but I think we'd rather make what we're making now.


Rating: 3.0/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (19)
I didn't fight the law. The guy at UCLA fought them. So, who got shot?
Posted by Laurence Simon at 03:25 PM | Email This

Remember last year when I told you the tale of getting mistaken for an illegal Mexican narcoterrorist gunrunner?

If you read through my account of it, despite their obvious mistake from my perspective, I did nothing to resist, frustrate, confuse, or infuriate the individuals with potentially lethal weaponry in a 25-foot radius of me or Deskmerc.

They were not asking me to do things. This was not some negotiation.

They commanded me.

I complied the first time they issued any command. If they said anything twice, it was only because I was doing it slowly to make sure I wasn't doing it too quickly and looking like I was trying to escape, resist, or... whatever the hell other than what they were telling me to do.

One ugly face, one middle finger, one expletive in the face of large men with guns and flak jackets, and Deskmerc would still be scraping me off of his passenger's seat.

If someone wasn't scraping him off of his seat.

I did what they said, complied with every order, used language that was neither offensive or rude, and things got sorted out without anyone getting hurt or sued.

If I could be faulted for anything, it was for not being able to completely stifle the urge to laugh at how absurd the situation was. I don't think that helped speed things along.

I knew they had made a huge mistake, they didn't know it yet, and I knew that it would be sorted out.

For a situation where I could quickly get a huge hole blown in my skull, it was funny as HELL. And this isn't just me now looking back at it... while I was going through it, the absurdity of it all was stupefying.

Best part of it all was that they eventually caught the bad guys.

Now compare that to the guy at UCLA, in the library without a simple pass after passes-only hours had started.

For such a tiny thing to resist over, he was screaming "Don't touch me!" and "Get off of me!" and "I have a medical condition!" and "Here's your Patriot Act!" and "Here's your f--king abuse of Power!" and "I was leaving this godforsaken place!" and "F--- off!" (dashes added so as not to offend Mrs K-J)

He tried to leave when they told him not to. He didn't leave when they asked him to. He didn't stand when they told him to. He did the opposite of what the uniformed officers were telling him to.

They told him multiple times to stand up. I've counted fifteen so far.

If it's something minor that can be sorted out easily and the situation can be defused by complying, you comply.

The guy's got a medical condition, alright: retardation.

Or, since he was actually using the library for something other than Pat The Bunny, maybe deafness.

Perhaps I have an advantage over the guy. After all, we Jews have a sense of humor about crazy overkill situations like these based on simple misunderstandings. I guess we developed and cultured it over thousands of years of having the crap beaten out of us just being us.

Instead of shouting like a nutcase, I kept calm and laughed.

Lucky bastard, though. All they had pointing at his stupid ass were Tasers.

Rating: 2.3/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (23)
What is Mahmoud Abbas Praying For? #13
Posted by Laurence Simon at 01:34 PM | Email This

It's Friday, so you know it's time for the wire services to post the non sequitur non-news story of Mahmoud Abbas praying at a mosque.

However, this week's different... this week we're going to start a new feature called:


So, from Mahmoud Abbas' expressions, can you tell what Mahmoud Abbas is praying for?

Is it:

a) His dark blue suit to come back from the cleaners. This lighter blue one looks totally gay. What are they using those cleaning fluids for, anway.... they'd better be using them for the chemical weapons attack next Tuesday on Be'ersheva.
b) The weather to get cold enough so he can start wearing his furry hat. The hat really makes him look good in the press photos.
c) The St. Louis Cardinals to make a miracle run at the end of the season. Not that he ever gets to use his season tickets.



Put your guesses in the comments.

Rating: 2.9/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (18)
nomeenate mee or i eet ur eyeballs!
Posted by Scary Evil Monkey at 11:18 AM | Email This

der is contest for beest libral blogee. i beest libral blogee! i tell u truth bout how monkeys like mee weel eet ur eyeballs and throw poo at u now dat wee in charge. u no git that from utter blogees. i even hav vidyo to explain new democratee monkey rulers to u. u only git day frum mee da beest libral blogger!

so u go to wizzybanger site an nomeenate imao seence i blogee heer an am best libral blogee by far. u do dis an i weel not eet ur eyeballs even tho u dum stoopid neocon heelbily jue. dis is fair compreemise frum best libral blogee. u shood all agree or u even mo dum stoopid dan i first thot.



Rating: 1.9/5 (26 votes cast)

Comments (9) | Scary Evil Monkey
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 10:35 AM | Email This


1) (T/F) Patty and Selma work at the Internal Revenue Service

2) What was Homer doing when he realized he didn't know his middle name?

3) What is Otto's last name?

4) What does Jolly Jack Tate do for a living?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.9/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (7) | Simpsons Trivia
Gotta Love Wal-Mart
Posted by Frank J. at 09:39 AM | Email This

So Senator John Edwards, a leading Wal-Mart basher, was caught trying to get help from a local Wal-Mart to get a Playstation 3. He has since apologized for this huge gaffe.

Three things here:

1. I love being a Republican because I can go to Wal-Mart, buy some beer, steaks, handgun ammo, and videogames (the ingredients to a fun day) and not feel the slightest need to apologize to anyone.

2. Are we going to find more Wal-Mart/Edwards connections, such as that he get his fabulous hair done at the salon in the Wal-Mart?

3. Why the Playstation 3? I just don't get any of the excitement for that system. It costs as much as a computer and has no killer-app I know of that’s releasing with it and all the system offers is some better graphics. If you want better graphics, go the much cheaper route and buy a new graphics card for your computer.

Personally, I'm much more excited about the Nintendo Wii. Sure, it by far has the gayest name ever for a videogame system, but it's got awesome motion control controllers that completely change the gamin experience. I mean, a game at launch has you swinging the controller to control a katana on screen, and you just know it won't be long until there's a lightsaber simulator (they better devote a button on the controller to activating and deactivating the lightsaber whenever you feel like that; I could probably do just that for hours). Plus, it will make games so intuitive I'll be able to get SarahK to play games with me. Previously, I was going to push to have kids really soon so I'll finally have some people to play videogames with (my children better love sitting around playing videogames and not be into that sports crap), but the Nintendo Wii makes that less urgent.

So here are the Wii advantages:

* Innovative game play using a motion control controller.
* A new Zelda game at launch plus a game where you get to fight Yakuza with guns and a katana.
* No need to immediately impregnate SarahK.

So in week or so (if the book sells well), I'm going to Wal-Mart to buy a Wii, some tube socks, Doritios, a new shotgun, a comfy chair, some ice cream, a couple rock and country albums, and some romantic candles for my sweetie.

I love weekends.

Rating: 2.6/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (30)
I Got an E-Mail!
Posted by Frank J. at 07:26 AM | Email This

I got this e-mail this morning from Kevin Aylward of Wizbang:

Dear Frank,

Nominations for The 2006 Weblog Awards are now open at
http://2006.weblogawards.org/ . All categories can be accessed via the master nomination post:


This year we've added many new categories and updated some older categories. Nominations are via comments to the appropriate nomination posts. Nominations close November 24, 2006, and voting will begin the first week of December.

Hotlinkable images and code are available here:


Please spread the word and make it the best Weblog Awards yet!

Hey, if there's like a humor category, someone should nominate us!

Rating: 2.8/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Red Fridays: Show You Support The Troops
Posted by spacemonkey at 12:00 AM | Email This

Got this in a email, not for the first time and its not funny. But this site isn't all about humor. We love America and We support the troops. We also support loving America. Love supporting the troops. Love loving America and Support Supporting the troops. Here it is.

Red Fridays.

Very soon, you will see a great many people wearing
Red every Friday. The reason? Americans who support
our troops used to be called the "silent majority." We
are no longer silent, and are voicing our love for
God, country and home in record breaking numbers. We
are not organized, boisterous or overbearing.

Many Americans, like you, me and all our friends,
simply want to recognize that the vast majority of
America supports our troops. Our idea of showing
solidarity and support for our troops with dignity and
respect starts this Friday -- and continues each and
every Friday until the troops all come home, sending a
deafening message that ... every red-blooded American
who supports our men and women afar, will wear
something red.

By word of mouth, press, TV -- let's make the United
States on every Friday a sea of red much like a
homecoming football game in the bleachers. If every
one of us who loves this country will share this with
acquaintances, coworkers, friends, and family, it will
not be long before the USA is covered in RED and it
will let our troops know the once "silent" majority is
on their side more than ever, certainly more than the
media lets on.

The first thing a soldier says when asked "What can
we do to make things better for you?" is ..."We need
your support and your prayers." Let's get the word out
and lead with class and dignity, by example, and wear
something red every Friday.

If you don't own anything red to wear on Red Friday, you might like to buy IMAO's new Red Friday T-Shirt. So you can show you support our troops (not commies.)
Red Friday T-Shirt

Hey there's nothing like demonstrating your support with visual proof, so we're starting an IMAO Red Friday Gallery. Email your Red Friday Photo to me and I'll get it added to the Red Friday gallery so you can show the whole world you support the troops.

They need our support now more than ever.

Rating: 2.6/5 (29 votes cast)

Comments (14) | Our Military
November 16, 2006
Balance of Power ... Pretty Power
Posted by sarahk at 07:33 PM | Email This

I got my hair highlighted and cut today, so I feel pretty. So I decided to come out of hiding and finally post a picture of me. A recent, up-to-date picture of me. From today. To counteract all that Frankiness from yesterday.

Rating: 2.1/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (24)
Red Ted
Posted by Laurence Simon at 02:18 PM | Email This

Red Ted Turner takes a jab at Rupert Murdoch:

But don't ask him to share warm feelings about Rupert Murdoch, chairman of News Corp., or Time Warner Inc., which purchased Turner Broadcasting System Inc. in 1996.

"There is one person I don't like," he said of Murdoch.

Turner lambasted Murdoch - whose net worth is $7.7 billion, according to Forbes magazine.

"He gives nothing to charity," said Turner, whose net worth is estimated at $1.9 billion.

So, whats the example we get as a charitable contribution?

Cable-industry legend Ted Turner has traveled the globe urging friendship instead of fighting.

He even donated $1 billion over the past nine years to the United Nations to promote world peace.

One look at Kosovo, Haiti, Lebanon, Sudan, Rwanda, Cyprus, Gaza and countless other places in the globe and you'll quickly see that it's not exactly peace that's the end-product of the local agents of the United Nations.

People tend to end up in pieces when the UN comes to town.

But when it comes to Turner's jabs at Murdoch for not giving anything to charity, well technically, neither has Turner.

Grandma always said get out the dictionary:

  1. generous actions or donations to aid the poor, ill, or helpless: to devote one's life to charity.

    Unless I'm mistaken, Ted's money goes in the UN General fund, not earmarked specifically for UNESCO or UNICEF or WFP or other programmes anybody reading the UN News Feed will recognize in their all-caps BUTTCRACKISTAN IN DIRE NEED OF FOOD AFTER DROUGHT, EARTHQUAKE, YANKEES LOSS.

    Even a contribution directly to UNRWA might accidentally end up with a portion of it acting as something remotely resembling charity by a Western standard.

    But paying the inflated salaries of meddling techocrats in New York, Geneva and countless other cities with no other purpose but to research, generate, organize, debate, and distribute proclamations and condemnations is hardly an attempt to aid the poor.

  2. something given to a person or persons in need; alms: She asked for work, not charity.

    Ever seen the retirement packages of those UN bureaucrats? I'd hardly consider those people in need of much at all.

  3. a charitable act or work.

    Writing a check and appearing at a few banquets in his honor isn't what I'd call work. Running a news network, even if it's to promote an anti-American agenda, is work. Might even work up a sweat doing it.

    But we've already established that the UN itself is hardly a charity.

  4. a charitable fund, foundation, or institution: He left his estate to a charity.

    Not only is he the benefactor of a non-charitable organization, but he even set up a foundation to write the checks for him. He just hands checks over to Kofi, maybe with a hand-slap when Kofi tries to make a grab for it.

  5. benevolent feeling, esp. toward those in need or in disfavor: She looked so poor that we fed her out of charity.

    Hrm... take a look at the votes in the UN General Assembly.

    Tell me who's in disfavor (hint: starts with I) and how much Ted has given them.

  6. leniency in judging others; forbearance: She was inclined to view our selfish behavior with charity.

    Ted's comments on Rupert Murdoch kinda shoots the hell out of that one.

  7. Christian love; agape.

    Read some of the statements coming out of OIC, Non Aligned Movement, and Arab League representatives and tell me how Christian the sentiment is over there in Turtle Bay.

Sorry, Ted. 0 for 7.

Bye bye, now.

Rating: 2.2/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (9)
RIP Milton Friedman
Posted by Laurence Simon at 01:12 PM | Email This

From a purely Milton Friedman perspective on the economy, the money supply just decreased by the two quarters they'll use to cover his eyes.


Rating: 3.3/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (4)
Top Murtha Quotes
Posted by Frank J. at 01:01 PM | Email This

Poor Murtha. Not getting elected Majority Leader has to hurt. Let's remember the good times with him by looking back on some of his best quotes:

"I just swallowed my socks and now my feet are cold."

"You're really the FBI?! Well... will you bribe me?"

"Sorry I missed this vote. I saw some scary looking teenagers on the street so I hid in my care until they went away."

"Get those cameras away from me! YOU'RE STEALING MY SOUL!"

"I put my shirt on backwards and now my neck is itchy."

"I have the votes! A leprechaun told me so!"

"There is a monkey in the Capitol and he stole my pills!"

"Our troops are murders! Murderers! And one of them put a computer chip in my brain! It keeps telling me to eat my vegetables, but I don't want to eat them! Get this chip out of my brain!"

"I think the Republicans might beat us on this bill. We better run away!"

"If you break open a Magic Eight Ball and drink what's inside, you see the future!"

"Okinawa is in Japan? When did we move it there?"

"I just took a total crap in my pants!"

Rating: 2.9/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (14)
We Want This War Lost and We Want It Lost Now!
Posted by Frank J. at 12:42 PM | Email This

Man, this rebuke of Murtha could hurt the Democrats' plans to cut and run. I mean, Murtha was all the time, "Let's run away like little girls! I have a place in Okinawa we can hide out where the terrorists won’t find us!"

And the Kwazy Kos Kids were all like, "Yay! Someone with a real strategy for Iraq!"

But now Murtha's majority leader prospects just cut and ran into a wall. Who will be the leading voice against our military, trying to ruin all their effort and really really piss them off? Can Hoyer do that? I don't think he has the patented Murtha senility. Neither does Hoyer have the tireless spirit and innovation of Murtha. Murtha was known to crap his pants rather than waste the time heading to the restrooms. That's dedication.

And now that cut and run has taken a blow, the Kwazy Kos Kids are going to be throwing their poo at the computer screen in anger while yelling, "We want America to lose! We want it to lose now! Why can't we be beacon of civilization like Iran?"

And what does this mean for Pelosi? She’s the new Speaker, the leader of Congress, yet the Dems all went against her choice for Majority Leader. That's weak. One of these days, people are just going to have to finally learn that women can't lead.

Rating: 2.6/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Armed Beauty Queens
Posted by Laurence Simon at 12:33 PM | Email This

Q: Where in the world is the reigning national beauty queen a member of that nation's armed forces?


Rating: 2.4/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Moments After Being Elected, Pelosi Suffers Rebuke
Posted by RightWingDuck at 12:21 PM | Email This

In a stunning rebuke to Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, Democrats voted to bypass John "I've Got the Votes" Murtha in favor of someone with actual experience. Maryland representative Steny Hoyer is now the Majority Leader.

Said Murtha, "We're still looking at the exit polling data and we'll figure out if we are going to ask for a recount."

Some critics argue that this defeat is a stinging rebuke to Nancy Pelosi and her minutes of leadership. Spoke one Democrat, who refused to be indentified, "We wanted to send a message that we felt we were moving in the wrong direction." Nancy stressed that everything will move on as usual. Hoyer will become Majority Leader and John Murtha will go back to be a doddering old fool.

Rating: 2.8/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (10)
"I've Got The Votes"
Posted by RightWingDuck at 11:53 AM | Email This

And why wouldn't he.

Here's a special IMAO Exclusive. A Murtha Vote 4 Me Poster.


Rating: 2.8/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (2)
Did You See This?
Posted by Frank J. at 11:17 AM | Email This

There's going to be like some contest for best humor blog. Someone should nominate us for it.

Rating: 2.8/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (1)
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 10:48 AM | Email This

If Frank J. isn't posting, what is he doing?


Rating: 2.8/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (9) | Fun Trivia
Know Thy Enemy: Smoking
Posted by Laurence Simon at 09:15 AM | Email This

Since today is the American Cancer Society's Great American Smokeout, I thought I'd shake American's greatest enemy after terrorists, illegal immigration, alternative energy sources, liberals, gay marriage, Communism, and the Kyoto Protocol: Smoking.



Rating: 2.3/5 (34 votes cast)

Comments (8) | Know Thy Enemy
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 07:45 AM | Email This


1) What is the name of Springfield's coffee shop?

2) Who keeps a card in his pocket that reads, "Always do the opposite of what Bart says"?

3) In "Marge on the Lam", what does Homer like to do up at the old make-out place?

4) Who is the character in the Junior Campers handbook that always does the wrong thing?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.0/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (3) | Simpsons Trivia
November 15, 2006
Eye Candy for the Ladies
Posted by sarahk at 09:13 PM | Email This

We had a photo shoot this morning for the book cover, this time with Frank J. as the model. Here's one of the photos not being used. Ladies, I should remind you that both envy and covetousness are sins.


Rating: 2.5/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (37)
What's In A Picture?
Posted by RightWingDuck at 07:54 PM | Email This

Original Picture: Commander looks bloated, constipated. Not so fresh.
Opinion: Loser. Who cares what he thinks?

Other picture: Commander looks in charge. Confident.
Opinion: We should listen to this man as he knows what he's doing. And might kill us otherwise.

Ducky's Note. Doesn't this guy every close his mouth. I went through pages of pics before I could find one where he didn't look like he just got fished out of the sea.

Rating: 2.7/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (4)
Pawn Shop
Posted by Frank J. at 07:16 PM | Email This

I think it would be cool to one day own a pawn shop and have a big sign out front saying "PAWN SHOP." Then, some guy would come by to sell his grandfather's watch or something, and, when he'd enter, all he'd see is a store full of pawns for various chess sets. And he'd look to me and say, "This has to be the dumbest most useless store ever!"

That would be so awesome!

Rating: 2.3/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (14)
Budweiser's spokestooge is sexiest alive...
Posted by Laurence Simon at 04:10 PM | Email This

Okay, so People Magazine decided that George Clooney is the sexiest man alive.

The list began in 1985 with Mel Gibson, so we can expect George Clooney to be pulled over for a DUI and blaming everything on the Jews in... let's see... 2027.

Oh, wait. He was Sexiest Man Alive in 1997, too?

Well, I guess he's due for his drunken anti-Semitic meltdown in... carry the one... 2009.

Mark your calendars, folks.


Rating: 2.5/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (11)
Yay! New Leadership!
Posted by Frank J. at 03:40 PM | Email This

The Democrats are trying to select a Majority Leader. Pelosi wants him to be Murtha while others want Hoyer. Let's look at the two candidates:

Murtha: He wants to move all our Middle East operations to Okinawa because he's senile and then take bribes from Arabs (after he gets to know them better).

Hoyer: Don't know a thing a about him; I don't even know what he looks like. I could be spelling his name wrong.

Breaking down the facts like that, I think it becomes obvious that Hoyer is the better choice. But I would offer the Democrats a third option: a gorilla.

Democrats have the perception of being weak, but gorillas are known for being strong. Next time the Democrats are criticized for being soft on terror, they can respond, "Yeah, well we have a gorilla as our majority leader; how do you like them apples? Doesn't sound so weak to me. What do you Republicans have?"

And the Republicans would be flustered and be like, "Well... uh... we have Denny Hastert. He was a wrestling coach."

And the Democrats would laugh and say, "Wrestling? You mean men grabbing each other? That sounds gay."

And the Republicans would look at their feet and sigh, "Yeah, I guess it does."

And the Democrats would be like, "pwn3d!"

As for the Republican leadership, they're making Trent Lott the Senate minority whip. That's the guy who whips the Senators who aren't working very hard (that's a lot of whipping!). Many people are talking about how bad a choice Trent Lott is, but they're forgetting all the good things about him.


* His name is a palindrome.
* If splashed with water, he can grow to three times his normal size.
* He can name all 50 states and their capitals.

He will be a good minority whip; he better just not whip minorities because we've had plenty of racism scandals lately.

I think this new leadership will be tons of fun. Sure, the way it's turning out is a bit like rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic - really old chairs that have been there a long while - but... uh...

Yay new leadership!

Rating: 2.4/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (19)
Fun Facts About Pennsylvania
Posted by Harvey at 03:37 PM | Email This

While the IMAO podcast is still MIA, I'm going to keep posting the latest uncut Fun Facts About The 50 States - hopefully on a weekly schedule.

(continued in the extended entry)


Rating: 2.5/5 (36 votes cast)

Comments (8) | Fun Trivia
A Special Message From RNC Chair - Mel Martinez
Posted by RightWingDuck at 01:58 PM | Email This


Update: Sheesh, people. I'm NOT saying Mel is Mexican. Mel is from FLORIDA. There are no Mexicans in Florida. (Gentlemen's agreement. We give them Florida, they let us have California.) This has to do with his lax immigration attitudes. See this link.

BTW, See the BIG Mexican flag in the background? See the LITTLE American flag in the foreground? That's the level of priorities we should expect when it comes to dealing with illegal immigration.

The really sad part is that I end up having to explain most of my jokes. I'm glad I still have my day job.

Rating: 2.6/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (29)
In My World: Severance
Posted by Frank J. at 01:39 PM | Email This

"Do I really have to have Nancy Pelosi behind me when I give my State of the Union Address?" President Bush asked as he and Tony Snow walked by the Pentagon.

"That's usually the custom."

"But what if she's plotting to eat my skin?! She just has that look on her face like she's just waiting for someone to drop his guard so she can kill him and eat his skin!"

"You'll just have to risk it, I guess."

There was a loud crash, and Bush looked up to see a desk smashing through the wall of the Pentagon and fall to the ground. "Rumsfeld must be moving his things."

There was another crash, and Ted Kennedy flew through a wall and plummeted to the ground.

"I think he's mad."

Tony nodded. "That's always a good assumption."

They ran inside to find Rumsfeld destroying his office.

"Isn't retirement great?" Bush asked.

"Rarr!" Rumsfeld yelled, and took a swing at Bush. Bush ducked and Rumsfeld punched out the wall behind him.

Bush dusted drywall off his suit jacket. "I thought you were giving a press conference about your leaving?"

"I was, but the reporters questioned my ability so I strangled them all." He looked thoughtful for a moment. "The weirdest thing was the surprised looks on their faces as I killed them... like they actually expected anything else to happen."

Bush noticed a document lying on the ground and picked it up. "What this?"

"It's my severance package; why don't they just take me out into a field and shoot me?!" Rumsfeld growled. "The Democrats are going to cut and run; they are going to make America lose. I must kill them all." He stormed off.

"Have fun," Bush said, not looking up from the severance package he was reading.

Tony looked towards the exiting Rumsfeld. "Do you think we should do try and stop Rumsfeld before he hurts someone?"

"I have an even better idea!" Bush exclaimed. "I'm going to get fired!"

"Um... what?!"

"Do you see how generous this severance package is?" Bush handed the paper to Tony. "Government jobs are sweet! I totally could totalyl be sitting pretty on this severance package! I don't want to be a lame duck getting yelled at for the next two years while the Dems screw everything up; I want to relax in Texas and play golf. I just have to get my self fired."

"I'm not thinking that's the best idea, sir."

"And I'm thinking it's the best idea ever! The Dems already hate me, I just need to get the Republicans to hate me too. What issue does the base really care about?"

"Well, a lot of them don't like your plans on immigration and--"

"Perfect!" Bush rubbed his greedy hands together. "I got an idea to so get me fired and make that sweet sweet severance package mine." He thought for a moment. "Now, do I have enough time to first grow a Hitler mustache?"

Tony sighed. "Where's the nearest bar."

"I think Ted's still on the street outside; he'll know."

* * * *

"I'd like to unveil the new RNC Chair," Bush told the press. "Mel Martinez." Bush pulled the canvas sack off of Mel's head.

"That wasn't a veil and it was completely unnecessary," Mel said.

Bush patted him on the back. "Good 'ole Mel!"

A reporter stepped forward. "Melinda Hawkish, FOX News. Is this selection of Senator Martinez an indication you are surrendering on the illegal immigration issue and going to grant amnesty?"

"Not amnesty, a guest worker program," Mel said.

"That's right," Bush added. "Completely different things... just like cut and run versus phased withdrawal. Mel isn't pro-illegal immigrant, and anyone who disagrees with me on this is a xenophobic racist who should die. Right, Mel?"


"Why is his mere presence causing this press conference to be flooded with illegal immigrants, then?" Melinda persisted.

"Shut up, you right-wing, FOX News nazi!" Bush shouted. "You and everyone who watches your news station just hates brown people!"

The press cheered Bush. He leaned over to whisper to Mel, "When Republicans see the press cheer me on, it's going to make them so angry that I'm totally getting fired!"

"You're doing what now?"

"Why wasn't Michael Steele given this position?" another reporter asked.

"He was too dynamic and conservative," Bush answered. "Plus, I hate black people. Didn't you ever listen to that whiner Kanye West? I mean I hate black people so much I blew up the levees in New Orleans. That's just the kind of president I am." He looked into one of the cameras. "And there's nothing any of you can do to stop me!"

"I would just like to mention that I don't hate black people," Mel said meekly.

Bush slapped him on the back. "See, Mel is a stand up guy. He'll be perfect to welcome in our new Mexican migrant worker overlords, perhaps placating them with his own Mexican-ness."

"I was born in Cuba, actually, and--"

Bush smiled. "And he's a foreigner! A Commie foreigner! That's right, I put a Commie foreigner in charge of the RNC and there is nothing other Republicans can do about it!"

"I'm an American and I'm not a Com--"

"Don't be modest, Mel! He's here to lead the Republican Party into a new era of crazy foreignness full of Communism and illegal Mexicans! And no one - no one - can stop me! Muh ha ha ha!"

"Are you trying to get fired?" a reporter asked.

Bush paused for a moment. "I dunno... you think it's working?"

"No one watches these... except maybe a few bloggers."

"But they write lots of e-mails and that can make stuff happen, right?" Bush asked hopefully.

The reporter shook his head. "They just go into the spam folder."

Bush stomped his foot. "But I wanna get fired!"

"Do you know anything about the police finally closing in on a suspect in the 'Rumsfeld Strangler' case?" a reporter asked.

Bush furrowed his brow. "Who is doing what now?"

* * * *

Rumsfeld rested in his easy chair with Chomps his rottweiler napping angrily next to him. Rumsfeld held a pen and a pad of paper. "Now to make a list of Democrats to strangle to make America safer." He thought for a moment. "Eh, probably easier to make a list of Democrats not to strangle." He started writing. "Joe Lieb--"

His front door was kicked in and in barged DC Detective Ian Competent flanked by police.

Chomps growled. Rumsfeld looked up and said, "This better be important; I have lots of people to kill!"

"You'll only be killing people in prison now... Rumsfeld Strangler!"


Rating: 2.6/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (19) | In My World
Posted by Laurence Simon at 11:35 AM | Email This

No. Really.

Go nominate IMAO for Best Humor Blog so many times, they have to get another server just to handle the traffic.

If your fingers aren't bleeding, then you're not nominating enough.

If your keyboard isn't cracked, then you're not nominating enough.

If your mailbox is filled with nasty notes from Kevin, then you're not nominating enough.

Do it! Now!

Otherwise, the Democrats will already have won.


Rating: 2.8/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Everyone Is Cheering the Democrats' Win!
Posted by Frank J. at 09:48 AM | Email This

Rachel has a must see post of a letter from her husband's cousin who is serving in Afghanistan. Here's part of it:

The Taliban are telling everyone that they are winning the war and that the Americans are cowards because we voted for the peace party.

The enemies of America cheering on a Democratic win were inevitable, and the Democrats have to realize it is happening. The only real response for them is to start out hawkish to quell this.

I.e., stop the surrender talk, dinguses, and put Murtha in the old folk's home.

Rating: 2.7/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (17)
This Book May Near Kill Me, But It Will Be Worth It
Posted by Frank J. at 09:40 AM | Email This

Still getting the last touches on the book so we can send it to the printers this week and start taking orders next week (after we get to see the end product). SarahK and I will be in Texas next week, but we'll still get things moving.

We will have the signed copy option, thought we're still working on how much extra that will be (SarahK's pricing shipping supplies we'll need since we'll have to mail those ourselves). It will cost a few bucks more for the copies, but we won't be trying to make an extra profit off of them (but, if we do, I won't lose sleep).

BTW, forgot all about an author photo for the back cover, so we shot it this morning (it's dark when I get home from work). Had my cool new IMAO polo for the shoot! I posed very good and will make all the women swoon and want to make sexy time with me.

It will be so cool when this is out! Buy as Christmas gifts for everyone (we will have options to save money on buying multiple copies at once)! If you don't buy many copies, you hate America!

Love America! Buy my book!

Rating: 2.8/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (7)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 07:45 AM | Email This


1) (T/F) Ms. Botz is one of the A.K.A.'s of The Babysitter Bandit

2) What does Barney use for a coffee table in his apartment?

3) In "Bart Gets Famous", Homer says he'd like to smack which little snot?

4) Who is officially credited for providing the voice of Lisa's substitute teacher, Mr. Bergstrom?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.4/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (6) | Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 07:35 AM | Email This

I just suddenly realized that Pelosi is going to be next in line for the presidency after Cheney. Let's not have Bush and the VP together for the State of the Union this year or I'm just going to be tense the whole time.


Here's how this came up this morning. SarahK was asking why they need both a Speaker and a Majority Leader, and I said, "Well, the Majority Leader is a party position, while the Speaker is a postion outlined in the Constitution and is in line for the presidency after the VP... Gah!"

Rating: 2.4/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (11)
November 14, 2006
Let's Talk About the Real Issues...
Posted by RightWingDuck at 03:50 PM | Email This


Rating: 2.9/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (19)
The Nutty Things Kos Says Between Bites of His Own Feces
Posted by Frank J. at 02:38 PM | Email This

In reference to Mel Martinez becoming RNC Chair, Kos said:

Also, doesn't half the Republican base currently have a rage on for brown people from south of the border? Those little xenophobic bigots should have a field day with this call.

Yes, we only want border security because we all hate brown people. What stunning political analysis.

How in the world did this tosser and his littler wiener kids who follow him get the ear of Democrats in power? We really should collect the nutty things he says and make any Democrats who pander to Kos answer for them. That someone like him has any influence on the government is a scary thing.

Rating: 3.1/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (14)
Marines: We Don't Want To Send The Wrong Christmas Present to A Jewish Or Muslim Family
Posted by RightWingDuck at 02:12 PM | Email This

Toys For Tots, the Christmas gift program run by the US Marine Corp Reserves, has declined to accept a talking Jesus doll.

There is nothing worse than taking a religious holiday and giving a religious gift.

As long as we're at it, shouldn't they also screen for other gifts that might be offensive?

Balls: Sure it's sweet and innocent, but a couple of balls in the house might be offensive to a young same sex couple trying to raise their daughter lesbian.

Candy Canes: Nothing mocks the disabled and elderly more than a cane that has no real function. Would you give out candy flavored prosthetic eyeballs? Of course not.

Dolls: Eating disorders, bad body images. And these are just the Barbie Dolls. I'm pretty sure that the Bratz line of dolls have STD's or something. Not exactly the happy message you want to give young ladies.

Tickle Me Elmo. Elmo laughs, vibrates, and throws himself to the ground and rolls around. Patently offensive to those who suffer from seizures.

What say you, IMAO readers?

Any other toys that might be offensive to certain groups?

Please mention in comments.

Rating: 2.2/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (35)
Frank J.'s New Agenda for America - Part 4: Border Security
Posted by Frank J. at 02:02 PM | Email This

Part 1: Iraq
Part 2: Military Reform
Part 3: Troop Benefits

* * * *

"Borders are important. If it weren't for borders, the Chinese would eat all our pets."

First off:

Borders are important.

That should be obvious, but it's worth saying. Until America rules the entire world, we need borders. Without them, our country would be like a paramecium without its ectoplasm, and what a mess that would be. We can't just have people running in here will-nilly, especially if many mean us harm.

At the same time, America wants the best and brightest from all nations. What would happen if the Dog Whisperer fell in enemy hands? Then an enemy nation would have nice well behaved dogs and could attack us while we're trying to deal with out of control pit bull and Chihuahuas.

The point of immigration is to steal the best and brightest of other nations while leaving the rest.

That why we have a process for immigration. We can't support all the bums in the world, but we'll always have room for smart, hard-working people. Everything should be set up so that the good people can get over here while the bad people are blocked. The problem is we have countries that don't respect this. The biggest offender is Mexico where the government encourages people to violate our borders while not allowing for legal means to get in here. That government has to be taught a lesson:

Being a neighbor to the United States of America is a privilege, not a right.

We can't expect Mexicans not to want to come to America; every rational person wants to come to America. Still, we need to keep our borders or we have no country. Some have suggested some extreme solutions, such as a compromise where all illegals in the U.S. are granted amnesty and then Mexico is obliterated with nukes, but I don't think we need to be that extreme. Walls and security are needed (it's just common sense), but that's only part of the solution.

If America is feared, our borders will be respected.

Mexico doesn't fear America. They can disrespect our borders all they want with no consequences. If they want open borders, then we must remind them of this:

Open borders works both ways.

There is no reason we can't march into Mexico and kill and capture their military and government leaders, forcing them all to work in labor camps breaking rocks. Even worse, we can march our soldiers into the middle of one of their soccer game, steal the soccer ball, and leave. How could they complain? It's an open border! We have a right to their soccer ball and their government officials as slave labor. If they don't think so, they can respect the border and cooperate with legal immigration.

This is how we must handle our borders:

You piss on us, we piss on you.

And expect the retaliation to be "disproportionate."

More exciting new agenda to come! Make sure to tell your local Republicans to adopt this!

Be honorable, ronin.

Rating: 2.0/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (13)
Posted by RightWingDuck at 12:43 PM | Email This

Nominations are now being accepted for the 2006 Weblog Awards!!

Please take a minute from your IMAO-is-so-funny-I-was-just-wetting-my-pants reading to swing by and nominate
us for

Best Humor Blog!!!

Thank you.


P.S. What are you still doing here? Vote!!!

Rating: 2.3/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Posted by Frank J. at 12:34 PM | Email This

For the three or four Hellbender fans out there, I finally had some time over the weekend to sit down and start writing. I now have the prologue and first chapter written (and I might put the new prologue up here if there's interest; it's pretty short). When I start putting up the chapters, it will be at Baen's Bar so I can get critical feedback. It will be quite a bit different from the short story I started, but the characters are the same.

To tide you over, here's some Hellbender footage:


Rating: 2.3/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (9) | Hellbender
Some Advice
Posted by Frank J. at 11:34 AM | Email This

We told the Republican leadership we really really don't want amnesty, and then they offer the RNC Chair to Mel Martinez. I think it would be a good idea to not tell the Republican leadership that we really really hate the idea of being murdered in our sleep or that might be next.

Rating: 2.8/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (3) | Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 10:59 AM | Email This

Valour-IT reached it's goal! Hooray! Thanks to all who donated and a special thanks to me for promoting it.

John Hawkins interviews the increasingly influential Mark Steyn. I've been so busy, I haven't been able to read much of America Alone (still in the top 25 on Amazon) lately, but will probably read it aloud to my wife (or her to me) on the drive to Texas this next week.

Greg Gutfeld as a FOX News contributor! Awesome! He doesn't pull punches; instead, he punches right through the chest and rips out the still beating heart.

Rating: 2.8/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (1)
Fat Bastard's Promises for Conservatives
Posted by Frank J. at 10:16 AM | Email This

I'm on the Michael Moore mailing list, and he's been e-mailing quite a bit more lately. Here's his newest (it's really meant for his faithful and not conservatives) with a few of my own comments:

A Liberal's Pledge to Disheartened Conservatives

November 14th, 2006

To My Conservative Brothers and Sisters,

I know you are dismayed and disheartened at the results of last week's election. You're worried that the country is heading toward a very bad place you don't want it to go. Your 12-year Republican Revolution has ended with so much yet to do, so many promises left unfulfilled. You are in a funk, and I understand.

Michael Moore is a fat, disgusting man with so sense of morals and no actual compassion for his fellow man as he has demonstrated on numerous occasions. That's not really relevant to the passage, but I feel I need to get that out of the way.

Well, cheer up, my friends! Do not despair. I have good news for you. I, and the millions of others who are now in charge with our Democratic Congress, have a pledge we would like to make to you, a list of promises that we offer you because we value you as our fellow Americans. You deserve to know what we plan to do with our newfound power -- and, to be specific, what we will do to you and for you.

Are they going to be patronizing and full of liberals’ absurd arrogance at their perceived moral authority? Because I love that stuff.

Thus, here is our Liberal's Pledge to Disheartened Conservatives:

Dear Conservatives and Republicans,

I, and my fellow signatories, hereby make these promises to you:

1. We will always respect you for your conservative beliefs. We will never, ever, call you "unpatriotic" simply because you disagree with us. In fact, we encourage you to dissent and disagree with us.

Yes, you'll just call us stupid and evil as always because alternate beliefs scare and confuse you.

BTW, anyone who takes Michael Moore, a man that openly hates America and what it stands for, seriously is by definition "unpatriotic" and should go to traitor prison (which is for stupid traitors). Don't call me "unpatriotic" for this belief; I'm simply dissenting and disagreeing.

Hey, are people going to finally be allowed to dissent and disagree on college campuses or is that still a crime of the highest order?

2. We will let you marry whomever you want, even when some of us consider your behavior to be "different" or "immoral." Who you marry is none of our business. Love and be in love -- it's a wonderful gift.

And here comes the polygamy and the farm animals.

I still don't think Michael Moore has a chance with a female of any species, though.

3. We will not spend your grandchildren's money on our personal whims or to enrich our friends. It's your checkbook, too, and we will balance it for you.

You'll spend out money on boondoggles for things we don't like to the benefit of people we hate.

The budget was balanced in a time of (perceived) peace with a Republican Congress conflicting with a Democrat President. Not seeing the same results this time.

4. When we soon bring our sons and daughters home from Iraq, we will bring your sons and daughters home, too. They deserve to live. We promise never to send your kids off to war based on either a mistake or a lie.

If you had any sons and daughters, you probably ate them. Those who make up our military are called men and women who chose to serve, and they hate fat bastards who undermine what they fight for and try to encourage the enemy to get everyone killed. If you bring them all home, they will be angry and come after you.

5. When we make America the last Western democracy to have universal health coverage, and all Americans are able to get help when they fall ill, we promise that you, too, will be able to see a doctor, regardless of your ability to pay. And when stem cell research delivers treatments and cures for diseases that affect you and your loved ones, we'll make sure those advances are available to you and your family, too.

You try and screw up healthcare, I will hurt you. Then you'll need medical treatment, but healthcare will now be rationed and you'll have to sit and wait to be helped. And, while you're waiting, I'll hurt you again.

Perhaps then you will see the flaw in the system.

And I’m not selling my soul for your voodoo magic. I like, everyone else, am happy to help fund stem cell research, but you want to focus on the dubious embryonic stem cell research, don't force me to pay for it or I will hurt you. And then you better hope the government hasn't screwed up healthcare yet.

6. Even though you have opposed environmental regulation, when we clean up our air and water, we, the Democratic majority, will let you, too, breathe the cleaner air and drink the purer water.


Where is this polluted air and water? Maybe you just need to get out of your house more and check that your tap water isn’t connected to your sewage system… unless you like it that way.

7. Should a mass murderer ever kill 3,000 people on our soil, we will devote every single resource to tracking him down and bringing him to justice. Immediately. We will protect you.

Admit you laughed when you wrote that last sentence.

"Those fierce liberals are going to protect us! I hear one of them even owns a starter pistol!"

Too timid to march our military into a foreign country (don't want to risk the lives of those po' wittle children who wear the uniform), you'll approach this has a law enforcement matter, forever negotiating with the corrupt government of the Middle East to turn over terrorists.

Yeah, that'll show 'em; they'll never attack us again.

8. We will never stick our nose in your bedroom or your womb. What you do there as consenting adults is your business. We will continue to count your age from the moment you were born, not the moment you were conceived.

Okay, I don't even know what that last sentence is supposed to mean. Maybe his fat fingers just stumbled a bit.

Yeah, the liberal are okay on funky sex and killing babies up until the point they’re half way out (or even sometimes after their accidentally born in a botched abortion; why split hairs), but if population control becomes a shiny new idea for them again, then they will have more than a few things to say about what you do in the bedroom.

9. We will not take away your hunting guns. If you need an automatic weapon or a handgun to kill a bird or a deer, then you really aren't much of a hunter and you should, perhaps, pick up another sport. We will make our streets and schools as free as we can from these weapons and we will protect your children just as we would protect ours.

I don't give a rat's ass about hunting. If you try and take my handgun, you better hope your universal healthcare system has good "shot in the face" care.

What are a bunch of unarmed people to criminals? Targets.

I thought even liberals gave up on the idea that the way to make people safe is to make them helpless. There is no greater right than that of self-defense, and I would trade my freedom of speech to continue being able to carry a gun.

And then I'd take my freedom of speech back because I have a gun.

I don't want liberals to protect children like they protect their own; they probably don't even know where they are right now (they don't want to be overbearing). Plus Michael Moore eats his.

And, just for the record, you'd have to be a really good hunter to hunt with a handgun.

10. When we raise the minimum wage, we will pay you -- and your employees -- that new wage, too. When women are finally paid what men make, we will pay conservative women that wage, too.

I don't want a minimum wage! That's why I went to college!

And could you tell the kids at the local McDonalds to stop screwing up my order; if you're getting a minimum wage, I expect a minimum level of effort.

Finally, if women want the same pay as men, then work the same as men. That's what most do. If liberals are going to come in and screw with capitalism because of some half-assed statistics you have about unequal pay, then, once again, you better hope you have that free healthcare because you’re going to need it when I come after you.

::shakes fist::

11. We will respect your religious beliefs, even when you don't put those beliefs into practice. In fact, we will actively seek to promote your most radical religious beliefs ("Blessed are the poor," "Blessed are the peacemakers," "Love your enemies," "It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God," and "Whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me."). We will let people in other countries know that God doesn't just bless America, he blesses everyone. We will discourage religious intolerance and fanaticism -- starting with the fanaticism here at home, thus setting a good example for the rest of the world.

If I see one more idiot who wouldn't know a Bible from a TV Guide try and quote a few verses with absolutely no knowledge of the context or what they mean, I'm going to do some very un-Christian things (and I actually understand what Christian is).

Yeah, stop the fanaticism at home; that's show the terrorists. If we can just get those Christians to stop preaching against fornication, then the terrorists will stop blowing up children!

Did you get really really hungry one day and eat part of your own brain?

12. We will not tolerate politicians who are corrupt and who are bought and paid for by the rich. We will go after any elected leader who puts him or herself ahead of the people. And we promise you we will go after the corrupt politicians on our side FIRST. If we fail to do this, we need you to call us on it. Simply because we are in power does not give us the right to turn our heads the other way when our party goes astray. Please perform this important duty as the loyal opposition.

You're going after Murtha? What will everyone think if you eat a war hero?

And what's your stance on corrupt documentary filmmakers?

I promise all of the above to you because this is your country, too. You are every bit as American as we are. We are all in this together. We sink or swim as one. Thank you for your years of service to this country and for giving us the opportunity to see if we can make things a bit better for our 300 million fellow Americans -- and for the rest of the world.


Michael Moore

You're fat and you smell. Pass your stupid bills, but you don't you dare touch my stuff!

I'm cranky today. I think I'm going to do some meditative breathing now.

Rating: 2.5/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (35)
Sorry Tony
Posted by Frank J. at 09:25 AM | Email This

Tony Blair says we should seek a dialogue with Syria and Iran for help on Iraq.

These people stone women who were raped, hang gay teenagers, train terrorists, and seek nuclear weapons. I just heard on Glenn Beck just now that in Iran they are stoning to death a woman with an IQ of 60 for "luring" a forty-year-old man into bed.

These are not people we talk to; anyone who engages in these actions are people we kill and cheer when we hear they're dead. Anything less and we're not fit to call ourselves Americans.

Is any peace worth shaking the devil's hand? And how long could such a peace last?

The only reason to shake hands with these people is to get close enough to strangle them.

Rating: 3.3/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Like The Woman Said
Posted by Harvey at 08:16 AM | Email This

As Cadet Happy pointed out below, Pelosi is right about the lack of a "cut and run" policy for the Democrats.

It will use the much catchier name of "suspend and scamper".

Or possibly "terminate & trot".

If you've got an even catchier name for it, leave it in the comments.

Rating: 2.8/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (23)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 08:07 AM | Email This


1) Who said "Every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain"?

2) What movie star asked Homer to help him fix his film?

3) According to Homer, how did he gain so much weight since high school?

4) In the weekly opening sequence, what are Patty & Selma doing?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.4/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (4) | Simpsons Trivia
A change of course . . . .
Posted by Frank J. at 05:10 AM | Email This


Rating: 2.4/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (8)
November 13, 2006
Blair Says Iran and Syria can Help Keep Peace. Iran Responds, "We need nukes."
Posted by RightWingDuck at 07:53 PM | Email This

Tony Blair recently announced that Syria and Iran can both play a role in helping keep the peace in Iraq. .
Syria and Iran seem to agree with Mr. Blair.

Said an Iranian diplomat, "With nuclear weapons, we could destroy Israel and finally bring peace to the Middle East. We guess that includes Iraq, too. We don't know.""

More from IMAO as this develops....

Rating: 2.9/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Letter to the RNC
Posted by sarahk at 06:20 PM | Email This

I emailed the RNC, and Frank told me I have to post it on IMAO, so here it is.

To: Dumb Stupid Heads (info@gop.com)
From: SarahK (sarahk -at- sarahk ::dot:: us)
Subject: Did you miss the election or something?

I'm just wondering, because appointing Mel Martinez chair was about the dumbest thing you guys could have done. You're completely plugging your ears and saying, "La la la la la," while your base is screaming, "Nooooooooo!" to just about everything you guys are doing.

Y'all have lost me. Completely. I will possibly never vote Republican again. And since I could never vote Democrat, except for maybe Joe Lieberman -- oh, no wait, he's an Independent -- it looks like I'll be throwing away my vote on Libertarians.

Maybe this asinine move will be the final nail in the coffin of the Republican party. We need a new conservative party. Because you guys are not doing the job. Shame on you for abandoning us.

Y'all can email the Dumb Stupid Heads at the GOP, too. info@gop.com.

Rating: 3.0/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (24)
Cindy Sheehan: I Will Live to Be 1,000. Michael J. Fox Demands Her Stem Cells
Posted by RightWingDuck at 04:07 PM | Email This

Cindy Sheehan, having discovered that determination can overcome genetics and the Will Of God, announced today that she will live to be 1,000

When asked how it could be possible, she mentioned she would wait that long to see George W. Bush tried for crimes against humanity. When asked for his response, President Bush could not guarantee that he would live equally long enough to answer any and all charges.

Many scientists predict that living 1,000 years may be possible because that will be how long it will take you to get a doctor's appointment under socialized healthcare.

Michael J. Fox, an actor who has supported stem cell research and anything else that might offer him hope - Natural Bee's Honey, Hoodia, and voting Democrat - stated that if Cindy did indeed have supernatural genetic ability, then she should donate stem cells to help his cause.

Rating: 2.3/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (8)
For Those Hoping the Election Taught the Republicans a Lesson...
Posted by Frank J. at 03:46 PM | Email This

...begin pouding your head against a wall now.

I voted for Mel two years ago and have been completely underwhelmed since. I at first hoped this new position for Mel would get him out of the Senate (maybe to be replaced with Katherine Harris or Jeb Bush just to piss off the Donks), but no luck. The Republicans seem intent on rewarding Mel's low approval rating with more power.

Really, is there any reason to this at all other than just pandering to Hispanics?

I better keep working on my new Republican agenda, because the Republicans certainly aren't going to save themselves. Ignore everyone in Washington; they're Republican imposters. I'm the only real one.

Rating: 2.7/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (14)
Attack America Now and Avoid the Rush!
Posted by Frank J. at 02:08 PM | Email This

Phased redeployment?

Come on! "Cut and run" is actually tougher sounding than that; at least it has the "cut" in there. It might be scary if it were instead "phaser deployment" because then the terrorist would think we're about to use Star Trek type phaser weapons and totally freak out.

But that is not what the Dems are proposing.

All terrorists understand that phased redeployment really means "We give up terrorists! You win! Hooray for you!" The Donks might as well just start advertising America as the next great spot for a terrorist attack ("Now with less retaliation!").

Anyway, if the Dems make us lose a war and encourage terrorists, I'm blaming Bush; he's the one who is supposed to know better.

Rating: 3.0/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Kwazy Kos Kids: Iran Is Super Awesome!
Posted by Frank J. at 12:19 PM | Email This

Those Kos Kids have plenty bad to say about America, but don't you say anything bad about Iran!

And the Democrats now listen to these [insert favorite expletive here]?

Come on!

Anyone who does anything other than punch these people in their dumb monkey faces is not fit to hold office. The responsible thing to do is to take the Kos Kids on a boat into international water and throw them overboard. Then everyone (we know or care about) will be happy.

Rating: 2.8/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (13)
Frank J.'s New Agenda for America - Part 3: Troop Benefits
Posted by Frank J. at 11:35 AM | Email This

Part 1: Iraq
Part 2: Military Reform

* * * *

"While the goal of any civilized society is to live peacefully while feasting on nachos and beer, we must not forget those who put their lives on the line for our way of life. They deserve not just nachos and beer but also our gratitude and respect and pizza with as many toppings as they want."

Our troops are not getting the respect they deserve, and it should be a big part of the new Republican agenda to change. Our military men and women get shipped off to the worst parts of the world and get yelled at by superiors and shot at by the enemy. That will never change, but others things can change to make life for our troops better.

Whatever is legal in America is legal for Americans anywhere else in the world.

Troops in Iraq don't get beer because it may offend the Muslims. That's wrong. How can I enjoy my nachos and beer if those putting their life on the line can't enjoy theirs? Troops should be able to have their beer in any country, and those offended by it should remember that out military is heavily armed and likes to kill stupid jerks.

In Saudi Arabia, our troops can't wear religious symbols because it might confuse and offend the primitive cavemen that makes up much of their population. Well, Saudi Arabia's whole existence offends us, yet we don't obliterate it. So, if our troops want to walk around the Middle East wearing huge crosses while drinking beer and eating bacon, everyone else should just smile and wave and not make any sudden movements.

Other countries will always hate us, so why worry about offending their moronic sensibilities?

America is a million times better than everywhere else in the world, so we're going to be resented no matter what we do. Any time spent worrying about what other countries think is time wasted.

Worse than the poor treatment troops get from foreign people (who, at least, they are able to shoot) is the disrespect they get from fellow Americans. We need a big change in policy to confront this:

We need to arrest for people for treason.

We've had like one charge of treason in the past few decades, but it should be increased to hundreds or thousands a year.

And what's treason? Using propaganda to get America attacked and our troops killed. One example is protesting the war. When people protest a war, it makes the enemy think they can win. Thus the enemy fights harder and more people die on both sides. That's wrong evil and traitorous.

The time to protest a war is before it starts. After that, shut up.

Not shutting up only gets people killed, and those who stroke their own egos with no concern of the consequences must go to jail for treason.

The other type of treason that undermines our military is the faux-support of the troops.

You are only supporting the troops if you support them as warriors and cheer on their mission. Anything else undermines them.

People who say they support the troops but then talk about them as idiots or children who need to be brought home to be saved from their own stupid choices do the exact opposite of supporting the troops. They are patronizing them, making them look weak, and encouraging the enemy. Those people also most go to jail for treason.

Some may worry that with all the complaints of civil right violations now, it will only get worse if we start arresting lots of people for treason. Well, the reason so many feel secure complaining about made up civil rights violations is because no one is actually being sent to prison for it. Start arresting them, and the cowards will shut up.

We'll need to fund more prisons to hold traitors.

They don't need to be expensive prisons with cable TV and rat poison; traitor prison should be extra bad prison. If people don't like traitor prison, then they shouldn't be stupid traitors.

Back to the subject of troop benefits, our military men and women should get lots of free videogames. My brother was quite happy in Fallujah until he ran out of DVDs to watch. Our troops should have plenty of DVDs and videogames they can watch and play as they drink beer and eat nachos during their downtime from killing foreigners.

If you have other ideas for troops benefits put them in the comments. If you are in the military, tell us what you want to make deployment better.

Once again, I hope you'll all support the new positive agenda America really needs right now. Part 4 will be about border security.

Be honorable, ronin.

Rating: 2.1/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (22)
I Big Time Hollywood Director!
Posted by Frank J. at 09:37 AM | Email This

If you didn't catch the video message from the Scary Evil Monkey which was posted Friday evening, make sure to do so. I was very proud of my new found ability to sync up images and sound, and opinion seems to be that this one is actually funny. Apparently, my videos are better with out any actual video in them.

Speaking of TV (well, not really, but I'm trying to segue so I don't have to do a separate post), if you've been watching CSI: Vegas, I should mention once again that in those minature crime scenes left by the so far unknown serial killer (such as in the first two episodes of the season and last Thrusday), the clothing on the tiny dolls is made by my little sister. It's not really spoilers to say that my sister's work will appear yet again in a future episode.

She's working hard to become a big time Hollywood costume designer. First she's doing these tiny dolls on CSI, and then maybe she can do clothing for Verne Troyer, then maybe Tom Cruise, and after that she can move on to doing costumes for normal size people.

Rating: 2.8/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Frank J. Self Portrait Costs Extra
Posted by Frank J. at 09:26 AM | Email This

As we're getting ready for the first book from NTM Publishing, Inc., to go on sale, is anyone going to be interested in signed copies of The Chronicles of Dubya? It will cost extra because of the additional shipping and handling since the book will have to first come ot me and then SarahK's going to have to make her own trip to the post office to get them out. If there is interest, then we can allow that order option and keep some extra copies of the book on hand.

BTW, it looks like the list price will be $19.95, but we'll initially sell it direct for quite a bit less.

Rating: 2.6/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (23)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 08:20 AM | Email This


1) What word causes Mayor Quimby's nephew to land in jail?

2) Which character was kicked out of the barbershop quartet, the Be Sharps?

3) After Skinner re-enlists in the Army, what is his plan for getting out?

4) What movie on TV does Homer watch to prepare him for college life?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

NOTE: Regarding the horrid Simpsons episode last night.

I say, "Don't get mad, get even":

"Even the dumbest teenagers in the dumbest town in the dumbest state don't want to write for the Simpsons."

Rating: 2.3/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (11) | Simpsons Trivia
November 12, 2006
Mandate for change . . .
Posted by Frank J. at 08:52 PM | Email This


Rating: 2.1/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (2)
"Cut and Run Party Will Push to Cut and Run"
Posted by Frank J. at 08:38 PM | Email This

via LGF

untitled copy.jpg

Rating: 1.8/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (23)
I for one, welcome our new Democratic overlords, and the wealth of comedic material they will provide us in the next two years!
Posted by Cadet Happy at 04:30 PM | Email This


Oh, also, starting Monday, the posts will be placed in the sidebars, to make room for more ads. Thanks for your patronage!

P.S. Oh, yeah, they will be in the right sidebar, because there won't be enough room on the left because that space is already dedicated to . . . ads.

P.P.S. You know, on second throught, we should probably use the right sidebar for ads too. Starting Monday, the posts will be in the bottom footer.

Rating: 2.6/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (20) | I Hate Frank
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 09:32 AM | Email This


1) What does Homer do with the Stonecutter's sacred parchment?

2) According to Bart, what does Jessica Lovejoy's hair smell like?

3) In "Bart's Girlfriend", Dr. Hibbert confesses that he left his Porsche keys where?

4) In "Fear of Flying", what is the pilot's lounge at the Springfield airport called?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.1/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (9) | Simpsons Trivia
November 11, 2006
Veteran's Day
Posted by Frank J. at 11:23 PM | Email This

Sorry not to have a Veteran's Day post, but I'll squeak this one in just before the day ends. I got to speak to my brother, Sgt. Joe foo' the Marine, for the first time since he went to OCS (as today is also his birthday). He says it's way harder than boot camp. Wish him and Patriot Xeno well (Xeno posted today about his experience at OCS, and my brother confirms that about 30% of those who started are already gone).

Hot Air has a great video of Michelle Malkin interviewing the surviving Doolittle Raiders and getting their opinion on today's war. A must see for everyone.

Rating: 2.7/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Polling the Impeach The President Poll
Posted by spacemonkey at 07:21 PM | Email This

This just in from MSNBC?

Is the 'live' poll referenced here recent?

Sadly, no.

Update: Ian at Hot Air Fell for the 'live' poll bit too.

Rating: 2.8/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 03:59 PM | Email This


1) (T/F) Homer saves Mark Hamill at a science fiction convention

2) When Homer guest stars on the game show "Springfield Squares", which square is he in?

3) When Homer and Ned have a drunken fling in Las Vegas, who do they marry?

4) Even though there's a curfew, the Springfield kids sneak into the drive-in to see what movie?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.0/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Simpsons Trivia
Sign Kyoto NOW!
Posted by Frank J. at 09:47 AM | Email This


Colossal hurricane-like storm seen on Saturn

Rating: 3.4/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (15)
November 10, 2006
Headlines I'd Wish They Would Write
Posted by RightWingDuck at 11:26 PM | Email This



Rating: 3.0/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (7)
The Scary Evil Monkey's Message for Conservatives
Posted by Frank J. at 04:51 PM | Email This

IMAO is proud to present this video in which the Scary Evil Monkey explains what life will be like now that the Democrats control Congress. Enjoy.

Rating: 2.4/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (21) | Scary Evil Monkey
20th Hijacker Sues Rumsfeld
Posted by RightWingDuck at 03:16 PM | Email This

In a blow for murderous terrorist conspirators everywhere, Mohammad al-Qahtani, known as the "20th hijacker” filed a lawsuit against former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld.

While detained at GitMo, Gahtani underwent a special interrogation that gave the United States valuable information. However, Qahtani asserts that he was subjected to forced nudity, sexual humiliation, religious humiliation, prolonged stress positions, sleep deprivation and other controversial interrogation techniques.

Mr. Rumsfeld insisted, “Whatever we did - nudity, sleep deprivation, weird positions - I assure you it was consensual.”

Mr. Gahtani spoke outiside the German courhouse where the suit was filed. "I want Rumsfeld in jail. I want him to apologize and I want my 72 virgins."

Rating: 3.1/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (8)
John Kerry's Remarks Were Well Timed
Posted by Frank J. at 02:56 PM | Email This

John Kerry's remarks disparaging troop intelligence ends up to be really well timed as it goes with the Army's brand new recruiting campaign:


Rating: 3.1/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (19)
I don't like the look of this . . .
Posted by Frank J. at 01:54 PM | Email This


Rating: 2.6/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Day 3
Posted by Frank J. at 01:51 PM | Email This

It's been three days since the election--has anyone heard of even ONE thing the Democrats want to accomplish now that they are in control?

Rating: 2.1/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (18)
Iran didn't win...
Posted by Laurence Simon at 01:20 PM | Email This

Q: Why is Iran's Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei wrong about the 2006 Midterm Elections being a victory for Iran?


Rating: 2.6/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (1)
Friday Catblogging
Posted by Laurence Simon at 12:43 PM | Email This

Since it's Friday, I thought I'd spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka "I-MEOW").

Apparently, everybody else has an Election Hangover, so they're too busy moping around and turning on the empty-suit leadership of the Republican Party for selling out their conservative base and denying there was a crisis in the making. Meanwhile, that gives me ample opportunity at a solo shot on the catblogging gig.

Anyway, it's time for Frisky the Faux-Moderate:


If you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Frisky is... um...

Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.

You can find more examples of Friday catblogging by searching a blog search engine such as Technorati for "catblogging."

You can also find a roundup of catblogging posts at The Friday Ark, located at The Modulator blog.

Then, when the weekend is nearly over, head over to The Carnival of the Cats for more kitty goodness.

There's also Flickr Groups called Furry Friday and Friday Catblogging.

Anybody I miss?

Rating: 2.1/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (2)
What is Mahmoud Abbas Praying For? #12
Posted by Laurence Simon at 12:41 PM | Email This

It's Friday, so you know it's time for the wire services to post the non sequitur non-news story of Mahmoud Abbas praying at a mosque.

However, this week's different... this week we're going to start a new feature called:


So, from Mahmoud Abbas' expressions, can you tell what Mahmoud Abbas is praying for?

Is it:

a) His Depends to hold up for just a minute longer.

b) The kitchen to stop serving "Five Qassam Chili" on Thursday nights.

c) His henchmen to start wearing ties... and eyepatches. Eyepatches are cool, you know.

d) Uri Geller to give him more private lessons.

e) Beir Zeit University to stop graduating suicide bombers and bombmakers so they can bring back their Dental School.



Put your guesses in the comments.

Rating: 3.2/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Victory, she is sweet and somewhat ticklish
Posted by Laurence Simon at 12:33 PM | Email This

Thanks to everyone who supported "Lincoln, As I Recall..." in the Pickle Tales competition.

I have won my bracket, although having to share my victory with two others only means that I (with your help) will be given the opportunity to beat them down once again when Round Two begins.

As a token of my appreciation, I will not post photos of me stripping down to my... (what the heck am I wearing today?) Nor will I use my "Jew Claw" on anyone.

Stay tuned, because it's not long before the podcasting combat begins again.

Rating: 2.8/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (1)
Frank J.'s New Agenda for America - Part 2: Military Reform
Posted by Frank J. at 12:14 PM | Email This

Part 1: Iraq

* * * *

"America is a country of peace, but we are quite prepared if non-peace breaks out."

Last time, I laid out an agenda for our military in relation to the conflict in Iraq. Now, I'll lay out more general reforms of the military. Let start with this fact:

The key skill of the military is shooting foreigners in the face.

While I support great new technologies such as smart bomb and giant robots with Gatling guns for arms, we should always be ahead of other countries in the ability to shoot people in the face. When our troops are on the ground and facing the enemy rifle to rifle, the enemy should be well aware that he is going to be shot in the face because that's what our troops do and are good at. When foreigners see Americans, they should yell, "Not in the face!" This means giving our troops all the training they need and reliable rifles before worrying about all the cool high-tech stuff.

This leads to another reform:

The .45 should return as the sidearm of choice.

If we want out military to be feared as demon-gods in other countries, then they can't be carrying some pansy little metric round like the 9mm. The .45 is the kind of round you have nightmares of getting shot in the face with. Give our troops .45s!

While military reform should be focused on the basics of shooting people in the face, there still must be a strong focus on new technology. Our advanced technology which makes everyone else seem like cavemen in comparison is a big part of making America seem god-like in all conflicts it in engages in. And, when America is seen as a wrathful god, conflicts will end quickly. That's why we must focus on one especially important technology:

We need a spaced-base laser for eliminating targets on the ground.

I have long been a proponent of a space-based laser I call S.M.I.T.E (see here and here). If we have a laser that can shoot from space and eliminate any individual in sight, foreigners will have no choice but to conclude that we are gods. Any time a terrorist steps out of a cave, he will know that we can smite him at any moment with no consequences to us. This is a powerful psychological tool.

Scientists say it's hard to focus a laser beam from space all the way through the atmosphere without it being diffused, but that just means we need better scientists. We do stuff in earth's atmosphere all the time - fly planes, float weather balloons, have barbecues - so there is no reason we can't fire a laser through it. We need to get working on this yesterday!

So what to do with our appearance of god-like power? We use it to get this point across:

Other countries only exist because we let them.

Most foreigners forget this because of the foolishness of trying to make our military seem "nice" (as I talked about in Part 1). Islamic radicals attack us because they think we won't obliterate their cities even though we are fully capable of it. We have to end that foolish idea. How much missile defense does their favorite city, Mecca, have? None. It's time to get rid of the idea that Allah can somehow stop the might of America.

I think a positive step towards ending radical Islam would be to do a bombing run on Mecca. Except, they would all be dummy bombs with these words written on them in multiple languages: "America has decided to let Mecca exist... for now." This properly demonstrates our power and abilities while respecting the holy places of other religions (we can even fill the dummy bombs with free Korans and prayer rugs; America loves giving gifts to other countries even if we're still hated).

Now, some other countries may complain about this. This leads to another rule:

Any criticism of our military actions from other countries will always be ignored.

If a leader of a country calls us up to complain, the president will hang up on him immediately. If someone starts to speak out against America's actions at the U.N., the U.S.'s U.N. ambassador will then walk up, punch the person speaking in his dumb monkey face, and then leave without uttering another word. Other countries are free to complain about us to each other, but they must understand that we are never listening. Ever. They must all understand this:

The only way to end U.S. military action is for the other parties involved to become peaceful.

Dead is peaceful, but, as part of our policy of limited benevolence, that will be a last resort (or, at least, not usually the first resort).

I think that's enough for you all to cogitate on today. Next time, I'll talk about troop benefits and what defines treason (which people will actually be arrested for now). Then, I'll move on to the domestic front, most likely starting with border security since that is a big concern of many and something the Republicans have dropped the ball on. I can't solve every problem facing America and the world, but I will try.

I hope you will continue to support this exciting new positive agenda for America (even if you’re one of my international readers). If you have an idea so you can visibly show support, put it in the comments.

Be honorable, ronin.

Rating: 2.8/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (13)
More Agenda Soon!
Posted by Frank J. at 10:50 AM | Email This

Today is a day off for me, but, because I love America, I'm going to write more of my new agenda for America today, this time focusing on general military reforms and troop benefits.

In that vein, I should mention today is the 231st Birthday of the United States Marine Corps. Also, tomorrow, Veteran's Day, is my brother's birthday. I can't call him, though, since Sgt. Joe foo' the Marine is in the middle of OCS so that he will be Lt. Joe foo' the Marine in December. So, today, I will ask for donations in honor of the Marines to the Valour-IT program to buy laptops for injured military men and women.

I had been boosting the Navy before, but they have almost reached their goal of $45,000 and the Navy always lends support to the Marines anyway.


The Navy has now reached its goal. Thus, I'm now an official booster for the Marines. Ooh-rah! Let's get them to $45,000 next!

Rating: 2.8/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (3)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 10:17 AM | Email This


1) (T/F) Homer names his pet lobster Dr. Claws

2) (T/F) The celbrities featured in Homer's Museum of Hollywood Jerks are Johnny Carson, Jay Leno, and Elizabeth Taylor

3) Who provided the voice for Groovy Grove co-owner and aging hippie Munchie?

4) Even though the sea captain tells Homer he's on the "Ship of Lost Souls", what name is on the boat's back?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.7/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (4) | Simpsons Trivia
November 09, 2006
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 04:45 PM | Email This

Why did George Allen lose his reelection bid?


Rating: 2.5/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (14) | Fun Trivia
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 04:44 PM | Email This

In Jim Webb's novel Lost Soldiers, a man picks up a child, turns him upside down, and puts the child's penis in his mouth. What was Webb depicting?


Rating: 2.5/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (9) | Fun Trivia
Democrats' New Direction for America
Posted by Frank J. at 03:47 PM | Email This

Reader Rudy sent this is:

Rating: 2.0/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (15)
Neither Hot Nor Cold
Posted by spacemonkey at 02:48 PM | Email This

We were lukewarm and were spewed out of the congress.

So, it's time to turn on the CONSERVATIVE HEAT, BABY!!!

Rating: 3.2/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Let's Test Out that "Bipartisanship"
Posted by Frank J. at 02:40 PM | Email This

We'll soon get a picture into how the new Democrat-controlled Congress will act when Bush renominates John Bolton.

Will the Democrats stand against him and filibuster, or will they...


Rating: 2.5/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (7)
Frank J.'s New Agenda for America - Part 1: Iraq
Posted by Frank J. at 12:33 PM | Email This

"A chicken in every pot, a bullet in every terrorist."

That's the focus of this new agenda (except replace "chicken" with "nachos and beer"). All the terrorists should be dead while at the same time we're well off enough in American to have all the nachos and beer we want. That's the future I see for America. I have a plan that will bring happiness to Americans while bringing unhappiness to America's enemies. My hope is that, with your support, the Republican Party will adopt this exciting new agenda as their new platform.

There are many issues facing us now, and I have just as many solutions if not more. Let's start with the biggest issue: Iraq.

Before I give my solution for Iraq, I should explain my philosophy on the military. It starts with this:

The core values of the US military are fear, death, and destruction.

Anything that tries to wussify the military is destructive. We should not expect other countries to welcome our troops with open arms; we should expect citizens of any sane country to scream and run in terror at our approach. Our troops should be seen as demon-gods - vessels of pure destruction who know not mercy. When our troops appear in a country, the shout of "Americans!" should always be preceded with the shout of "Holy @#$%!" The enemy must know that our troops show no mercy and cannot be dissuaded and attacking us is always the absolute dumbest idea ever.

To move towards this new paradigm for the military, some changes are small. For instance:

Secretary of Defense will be named back to Secretary of War.

Changing the name of the Secretary of War to Secretary of Defense is just a step away from naming the position Secretary of Peace. It was done to make America look more peaceful, and that is completely wrong-headed. It is not what we want to project to other countries. What we want to project to other countries is:

America is a nation that loves war and only obedience to our will can stave off your destruction.

This is will only be partially true, but we want all countries to believe it.

Another way to get rid of the "nice military" image is:

Collateral damage will no longer be a factor in making military decisions.

If you don't want to die, get out of our way. Women and children make poor shields, as most of our artillery can go right through them.

Yes, killing innocent people is awful, but giving the enemy the idea that there is some way to slow down our destructive advanced towards them is even more awful as it only invites attacks and causes even more death in the end. This new policy may cause our troops to be called "baby killers," but they can just respond to that with, "Yes, we kill babies - enemy babies."

Some may think the troops may not like the new image of them being deadly killers, but actually what they hate are objectives that are more complex than "kill these people and blow this stuff up." All our trying to be nice ultimately just puts a great burden and danger on our troops by restraining their ability to kill and destroy. That's wrong. They deserve better.

The worst of it is this whole "nation building" idea. That's gay. Since there are many patriotic, openly-gay Americans who want to be a part of our military, they can do the nation building since that's so gay.

Back to the main subject, how do we handle Iraq since we're already in the position of the "nice" military who helps other countries? Well, let's look at the first rule of applying military might to a situation:



I think the solution is simple: we set a timetable for withdrawal. When we leave, we will have won... one way or another.

Yes, I know that a timetable would just mean to the terrorists that they just have to hold on only that much longer before they can own the country, but not with the way we will announce our timetable:


Rating: 2.5/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (33)
How To Deal With The Pain
Posted by RightWingDuck at 11:11 AM | Email This


Inspired by this. By the way, am I the only one who had a Simpson's flashback with this news announcement? Jagged Metal O's.

Rating: 2.6/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (4)
Yeah, That Pretty Much Sums It Up
Posted by Frank J. at 09:43 AM | Email This

I got this from Glenn Reynolds who was e-mailed it from Bill Whittle who found it in Tim Blair's comment section written by Dave S.:

"The Republicans lost and the Democrats won for the same reason -- they distanced themselves from their base."

Rating: 2.5/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (11)
all ur legislative branch r belong to MONKEYS!
Posted by Scary Evil Monkey at 09:23 AM | Email This

it now official. u dum stoopid heelbilly neocon jues no longer hav dee seante or dee house. u dont even hav angry monkey hater rumersfeld. u only hav dum stoopid boosh.

po dum stoopid heelbilly jues. u scared of democratees and der monkey freends. but i cheer u up. i make u feel better. come close so i geev u hug...


Rating: 3.0/5 (24 votes cast)

Comments (12) | Scary Evil Monkey
After the second time, I started bringing a change of clothes
Posted by Laurence Simon at 09:13 AM | Email This

For the fourth morning in a row, I was thrown down a well during my stopover Downtown on the way to work.

What gives?

Rating: 2.5/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Aaaaaand this is why I stopped watching FOX & Friends
In SarahK's World
Posted by sarahk at 09:13 AM | Email This

Well, other than the fact that they so unceremoniously booted E.D. Hill from the show.
And the fact that the chemistry between Steve, Brian, and Gretchen is practically nonexistent.
And the fact that Brian is just a big, unmitigated buffoon without E.D. to keep him in line.

The biggest reason I stopped watching is because Gretchen doesn't say anything intelligent that doesn't come off a teleprompter... Yeah, she's a bit of a ditz.

So today I was walking through the livingroom after making Frank's lunch (he still watches F&F while I'm sleeping and making his lunch, and I turn the channel as soon as he leaves), and here's what Gretchen said:

"I wonder if Robert Gates had any idea he was going to be named the next Secretary of Defense."


Are you really that vacant?

No, here's how it went down...


Rumsfeld walked into the Oval Office and punched a hole in the wall.

Bush said, "Hey! I liked that wall! Next time you wanna punch something, let's meet in Senate Majority Le... Senate Majority L... Aww, I can't say it. Anyway, let's meet in Harry Reid's office next time, and you can punch his walls. Anyway, what's on your mind, Rummy?"

Rumsfeld took a swig from the whiskey flask at his hip. "My wife wants to vacation more. See more national parks. Do you know that national parks are 'pretty'? I don't do pretty! Anyway, she says I have to retire so we can spend more 'quality' time together. All I can say is she still better let me have my alone time. And my walks with Chomps. Right, boy?"

The Rottweiler at Rumsfeld's side growled in agreement and then attacked a portrait of the president.

"I never liked that painting anyway. Made me look too 'metrosexual.' Well, I know what it's like to be whipped, Rummy," Bush said. He made a whipping sound and ran across the room to the window so Rumsfeld's strangling hands just missed his neck. "I guess that means I'll need a new Secretary of Defense." He looked out the window. "Hey, who's that guy walking down the street? He looks Sec-Deffy. Hey! Secret Service! Go grab that guy and bring him up here. He's my new Secretary of Defense."

Rumsfeld walked up to Bush and looked him in the eye. "You may get a new Secretary of Defense, but you'll never have another Secretary of War."

"I know, Rummy. I know." A tear glistened in Bush's eye.

Rumsfeld and Chomps walked slowly out of the Oval Office. Rummy punched the door one last time on his way out, and Chomps took a chunk out of the door frame with his teeth. "Good boy, Chomps," Rumsfeld laughed.


"Hi, Mr. President, I'm Robert Gates. What is this about?"

"You're my New Secretary of Defense."

"Whaaaat?!!" Robert Gates said, slapping his hands to his face in surprise.

"Yeah. You look decent in a suit, and you look like you could strategerize a war or something. The job pays about $180,000. If you want more than that, ask the Democrats; I'm sure they'll tax some rich people to get you more -- hey, now that you'll be considered rich, they'll probably tax you to get you more!"

"Don't you want to know my qualifications?"

"Do you have any?" Bush asked.

"I was the Director of the CIA and am the President of Texas A&M."

"Good grief. Don't tell anyone about the Aggie part. Everyone will go nuts and say you're another one of my dad's friends -- you know, he has a li-berry there. Oh, and make sure the Aggies throw the Thanksgiving football game this year, because I'm the president, and I want the Longhorns to win, or Jenna will trash the White House again."

"I'm not sure I can do that, Mr. President."


"Yes, Mr. President."

Rating: 3.3/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (15)
No More Weakness!
Posted by Frank J. at 08:53 AM | Email This

For the Republicans who are saying that Bush should have fired Rumsfeld before the election, do you really think that would have motivated the base to go out and vote? Probably the biggest reason the Republicans lost big is they gave people nothing to vote for, and you really think seeing Rumsfeld get fired would have had everyone running to the polls? Maybe - maybe - it would have affected a few independent voters, but firing Rumsfeld just looks like weakness, and weakness doesn't win elections.

Firing Rumsfeld is appeasement to the Democrats, and appeasing the Democrats is the first step on the road towards appeasing terrorists.

No appeasement!

Rating: 2.1/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Progress In Afghanistan
Posted by Harvey at 08:04 AM | Email This

ministry of silly walks.jpg

Afghanistan celebrates the formation of it's new Ministry of Silly Walks.

[Hat tip to CENTCOM for the pic]

Rating: 2.8/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (4)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 07:38 AM | Email This


1) Who is the mascot for Burns' nuclear power plant?

2) When meeting with the Germans who buy the power plant, Homer dreams about what fantasy land?

3) What song does Homer sing to demonstrate the Superstar Celebrity Microphone?

4) In "Radio Bart", Lisa is seen reading what girl's magazine?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.5/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (6) | Simpsons Trivia
Happy hunting . . .
Posted by Frank J. at 04:50 AM | Email This


Rating: 2.3/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (5)
November 08, 2006
Harry Reid
Posted by Laurence Simon at 11:12 PM | Email This

Q: What's the one good thing about the phrase "Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid" ?


Rating: 3.2/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (5)
A Pick Me Up
Posted by spacemonkey at 09:00 PM | Email This

Are you seeing red over seeing so much blue? Here's a real pick me up.

The next time you see someone smiling real big, y'know like their tax and spend appeasement party just won a bunch of seats in the U.S. congress.

Remind them that Lieberman won and smile a slight little smile

Then remind them Pelosi said she wouldn't support an effort to impeach Bush. Then smile a little bigger.

And if you happen to mention Hillary Clinton supports the war, you just must might completely erase the grin off their punch-needing monkey-looking face.

Rating: 3.1/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (18)
For Some Perspective
Posted by Frank J. at 08:29 PM | Email This

Here's a National Review editorial from right after the big 1986 losses of the Republican Party. No one ever talked about Reagan or his ideas after that.

Rating: 2.6/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (1)
Election Results: The World Reacts. Part IV
Posted by RightWingDuck at 07:13 PM | Email This


Rating: 2.8/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (3)
Election Results: The World Reacts. Part III
Posted by RightWingDuck at 06:25 PM | Email This

OBL reacts.jpg

Rating: 2.8/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (2)
You Know What Was the Worst Part of Rummy Resigning?
Posted by sarahk at 06:00 PM | Email This

President Bush couldn't pick any better time to give a stupid boring speech about Rummy and his super-happy-fun replacement than during the 3:00-4:00 hour.

Hey, Mr. President, could you do me a favor and interrupt The View or Oprah for once? Leave General Hospital alone!

Rating: 2.3/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (11)
Election Results: The World Reacts. Part II
Posted by RightWingDuck at 05:53 PM | Email This

Saddam Hussein.
"President Of Iraq"


Rating: 2.3/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Election Results: The World Reacts. Part I
Posted by RightWingDuck at 05:31 PM | Email This


Rating: 2.7/5 (8 votes cast)

Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 04:54 PM | Email This

Why didn't Karl Rove steal this election like the previous ones?


Rating: 2.7/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (7) | Fun Trivia
Waiting for the other skate to drop...
Posted by Laurence Simon at 04:30 PM | Email This

Well, we've seen Rummy fall on his sword within 24 hours of the Pelosi/Reid Regime getting the nod from the voters. What about Condi?

Apparently, she's gone ahead and lost her freaking mind:

Michelle Kwan, the American figure skater who holds nine national championships and five world titles, is about to become a nonsalaried U.S. diplomat.

On Thursday, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice plans to name the 26-year-old Californian and daughter of Chinese immigrants from Hong Kong as a public diplomacy ambassador, said a senior U.S. official.

Kwan, the biggest star in her sport for a decade, will represent American values especially to young people and sports enthusiasts and is expected to travel widely, the official said.

That's right, folks. The solution to America's image across the world is.... ICE SKATING!

Wait... hold on... they have all the oil but no ice to skate on, we have plenty of ice but a bunch of elk and caribou living on our oil... we sell the ice out from under the elk and caribou so we can get to the oil...

Never mind. I reacted to quickly once again. She's a freaking . We'll make BILLIONS.


Rating: 2.3/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (8)
List Problems So the New Frank J. Republican Agenda Can Solve Them
Posted by Frank J. at 04:25 PM | Email This

I already have lots of solutions to the problems facing our nation and the world, but, to make sure nothing gets left out of the new agenda, list in the comments the problems you think need solving. The new Frank J. Republican Agenda for America and the World should cover everything.

I'll start announcing parts of the new agenda tomorrow, and it should make you very happy for finally someone will be pushing towards real solutions... that person being me, Frank J.

Rating: 3.0/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (29)
Remembrance of Rummy
Posted by Frank J. at 03:58 PM | Email This

Blackfive already has up a nice remembrance of Rumsfeld (with cool pictures!).

Also, my book will be a nice remembrance of Rummy as it is filled with many instances of him strangling reporters and liberals. Prepare to buy many copies as soon as SarahK finished the final edits (I never meant to be so error prone in my writing, but I am).

Rating: 2.5/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (11)
Frank J. Republicans
Posted by Frank J. at 03:47 PM | Email This

I think the only thing left now is for me to take over the Republican Party. I seem to be the only person who knows what he's doing. I just want to kill terrorists and make sure the economy is good enough that we always have plenty of hotdogs and beer. I think this is a good, forward looking focus for our country.

I will write up a full agenda to solve all of Americas problems and kill all of America's enemies. It is time for me to begin leading this country to a happy place with no bad people and lots of beer and hotdogs.

Tell me what you would like for the future of this country, and I'll try and include the best ideas in my new agenda for America.

Rating: 3.0/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (19)
Posted by Frank J. at 01:22 PM | Email This

They didn't even call me first!

What violent, crotchety old man will be able to replace him?

This is wrong. Very wrong.

I guess I'll have to put my name down to be the next Secretary of War.

I'll come up with my plans for the military soon...


His replacement looks too nice. I better get my plan out soon so Bush will know to pick me.

Rating: 2.3/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (27)
First it was FOX. Now it's CNN. More stupid graphics...
Posted by Laurence Simon at 01:22 PM | Email This

Since I bashed Fox last time, let's balance things out with CNN...

Wait... 49 Democrats and 49 Republicans? Zero Independents?

Joe Lieberman is an Indpendent, you pecan-chewing jackasses.
Bernie Sanders is a Socialist, you Coke-swilling button-monkeys.

Let's scroll down a bit...

What the zarking fardwarks is an "O", CNN?

What now? A bunch of "X" party members come out and we get to watch Lou Dobbs play Tic Tac Toe with Wolf Blitzer?

Give it a rest, CNN. Put an I by Hadassah's Husband and an S by Eugene V. Debbs 2.0.

Rating: 2.7/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Posted by sarahk at 01:05 PM | Email This

Well, at least the right party is in charge now to handle this. I know I'll sleep better knowing the Dems have my back.


Rating: 3.3/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (9)
What President Bush Should Say
Posted by Frank J. at 12:55 PM | Email This

President Bush is going to have a press conference soon. Here's what I think he should say:

"The era of bipartisanship is over! Now I am the divider, not the uniter!"

That would be cool.

What do you think he should say?

Rating: 2.6/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (18)
Observations Regarding Election 2006
Posted by RightWingDuck at 12:20 PM | Email This

The key to defeating any Senate Democrat in the future – an endorsement by Kos.

Minnesota elected its first Muslim Senator. The Capitol Security team will now have to allow him to wear explosive vests – provided it’s for “religious purposes.”

Arizona approved English as its official language. You can learn all the details by calling their official English Is The Official Arizona Language Hotline. Press 1 for English.

Gay Marriage Bans were approved in several states. So no matter what happened last night with all the gay celebrations, you can be sure that very few of them woke up married.

Jim Webb appears to be the winner in the Virginia senate race. He was so happy that he took his campaign manager, swept him up in his arms, held him upside down, and put his penis in his mouth. This is a tribal ritual signifying love and respect. (Okay, I stole that joke from Ace – but it’s still a good one.)

Democrats do indeed have a solid plan for Iraq: This includes banning guns, more Sunni/Shiite affirmative action, and making the rich Iraqis pay their fair share.

In California, Proposition 87 (the Alternative Fuel By Taxing Big Oil Initiative) went down in flames. Which is good. Burning ballots can be used as an alternative fuel.

The Mark Foley flirting with pages issue had a big impact. Most Americans are against child predators. Unless they can moonwalk.

Overall, I'd have to say we got our comeuppance. Sure, we ate it big time, but look on the bright side: Now Democrats have to do the driving instead of screaming at us from the back seat and constantly whapping us with the map. Get your whapping arms ready, the next two years are going to be an interesting ride.

Rating: 2.8/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (11)
The big test of the Pelosi Regime
Posted by Laurence Simon at 12:02 PM | Email This

You're going to hear a lot about ethics and corruption and oversight of the Bush Administration coming from Nancy Pelosi and her vulture-circle of minions in the coming weeks.

For all their screaming about Tom DeLay, Bob Ney, and other crooks to resign before their indictments and/or convictions, a litmus test for the Democrats on the subject of corruption and criminals in public office will be the outcome of the Louisiana 2 race.

Outgoing Speaker Dennis Hastert did the country no favors by screaming that the FBI had no right to raid William Jefferson's offices. (Unless, of course, Dennis Hastert has his own freezer full of cash to hide and he orders National Guardsmen to help transport his personal belongings in the aftermath of a disaster. I, on the other hand, thinks he just keeps fetal stem cells in there to snack upon between sessions.)

Jefferson doesn't just stink of corruption and criminal activity... Jefferson downright reeks of it.

You'd think that Rove would have engineered an October or November surprise against him as an attempt to balance the Ney conviction/resignation, but the game's over for Rove at this point. It's now up to the Democrats to take their own medicine and police their own.

If they don't, well, then they're no better than the Republicans they've been accusing of corruption since... well, the Whigs went away.


Rating: 3.7/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (3)
In My World: We Want a Rock
Posted by Frank J. at 12:00 PM | Email This

"Well... that sucked."

Dick Cheney leaned back in his chair. "Maybe you suck."

Bush jumped to his feet. "No! You suck!" He turned to hooded figure of Karl Rove. "I thought you were rigging the Diebold machines!"

"Well... they were more complex than I foretold. Plus, you suck."

"You suck!" Bush shouted back, but Rove had disappeared back into the shadows.

"Why don't we stop fighting and just admit we all suck," Condoleezza Rice suggested.

"Well, people seem to like me," Tony Snow said.

Everyone in the room glared at him. "Get the hell out of here, Tony!"

Tony shrugged and headed out of the room. "Fine. Didn't want to be around you losers anyway."

Part of the wall began to disintegrate as if the atoms themselves were being torn apart. Through the hole stepped Joe Lieberman. "I have power beyond imagination!" Lieberman exclaimed.

"That's super," Bush said unenthusiastically.

"The balance of the Senate now rests in my hands! I have such power that I can even bend space and time!" A disgusting creature then came scampering in behind Lieberman, crouched over and looking quite pathetic.

"What's that?" Bush asked.

"That's one of those fool bloggers who tried to stand against me," Lieberman said darkly. "I have used my new power to enslave him. His job is to lick my shoes."

"Have mercy on poor Moulitsas!" the wretched thing pleaded. "Do pity me!"

"No!" Lieberman punched the thing in the face.

"Ever think about joining the Republicans?" Bush asked Lieberman hopefully.

Lieberman thought for a moment. "No... you guys are kinda a bunch of losers."

Bush leapt to his feet once more. "You're a loser!"

With a wave of his hand, Lieberman sent Bush flying back against the wall. Lieberman then turned and left with the pitiful creature following close behind.

Bush dusted himself off. "What's Pelosi doing now, anyway?"

"I think having her face stretched," Condi said.

Bush shuddered. "I can't deal with her; I'm always afraid she's going to shoot blood out of her eyes at me. I'll need people to check in on the Congress for me." He looked to the door and shouted, "Interns!"

Bill and Jill the interns came running. "Hey!" Bill the intern exclaimed. "Aren't elections exciting?"

"I still haven't calmed down from voting," Jill the intern said. "Yay!"

"I know things didn't turn out as you wanted, President Bush," Bill the interned said, "but you should still be happy because democracy is fan-tastic!"

Jill the intern jumped up and down. "Yay democracy! Yay America!"

Bush groaned. "Whatever. I need you to talk to the crazy Democrats in Congress for me. Be careful of Pelosi; she may try to suck the marrow from your bones."

"We won't let you down, President Bush," Bill the intern assured him.

"Hooray! I love going to the Capitol!" Jill the intern shouted as the two left.

"I really hope they die." Bush looked to his staff. ""Well, I better talk to the American people now and tell them what's what."

"You going to tell them you suck?" Cheney asked.

"You suck!"

* * * *

Bush sat at his desk in the Oval Office and looked into the camera. "Hello, American peoples. I see you decided to elect some Democrats yesterday. Fine; you can do what you want, I guess. I mean, you elected me twice. Still, I am your president and am very powerful." He shook his finger at the camera. "Do not anger me. I will bomb you from the sky just like I bombed countless others.

"As for the Democrats, they may have the House and even the Senate, but I still have my... VETO PEN!" Bush held up his pen proudly.

"That's a crayon!" Condi shouted from behind the camera.

Bush looked at it. "Sky blue... oh." He dropped it and started rifling through the drawers in his desk. "It's around here somewhere; I mean, I think I used it once." He stopped searching and faced the camera. "Well, I do have a veto pen, and I will find it. That's a warning to Democrats. And I also have this." He held up a jagged rock. "This is the rock I bash Democrats in the head with if they make me mad." He shook the rock at the camera. "Don't make me mad!

"Now, many of you may wonder what will happen with the terrorists. Well, I will still pursue them, and, if the Democrats get in my way, I will use my veto pen and my Democrat bashing rock. When I get to the terrorists, I'll bash them with my terrorist bashing rock!" He looked around. "Where is it?"

Condi held up a rock. "Is this it?"

"No; that's my hippy bashing rock."

Condi found a bloodstained rock. "Is this it?"

"That's it. Gimmee gimmee!"

Condi handed over the rock. "It needs to be cleaned."

"I can't clean it or it won't be lucky anymore." Bush turned to the camera and shook the bloody rock at it. "I will find you and I will bash you with this rock, terrorists! Don't think the Democrats will stop me! If Reagan could still fight the Soviets with a Democratic Congress, then I can still find you terrorists and bash you with a rock even with Pelosi against me!"

"Yeah, but that was Reagan and you're you," Condi said.

"Shut up!" Bush shouted. "Don't make me find a Condi rock!"

"Whatever. You done with this? I'm going to go get some lunch."

"Can you pick me up something?"

"No." Condi walked off.

"I'm still powerful!" Bush yelled. He looked to the camera. "Now how do I turn this off? Oh... I think I have a rock for that."

Rating: 2.4/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (12) | In My World
Just because the Republicans lost, it doesn't mean I have to...
Posted by Laurence Simon at 09:35 AM | Email This

My story "Lincoln, As I Recall..." is currently leading the pack of six candidates in the first bracket in the first round of Pickle Tales at Podcast Pickle.

Voting is open for two more days, and I'd prefer to make it to the next round by breaking the tape instead of coming in second or third.

If you're a regular listener of the 100 Word Stories Podcast and enjoy the Wacky Adventures of Abraham Lincoln, then you're going to really like the piece.

If you're not, well, why the hell aren't you a regular listener? You really ought to be.

Anyway, thanks for your support. Unless you're not supporting me, then for all I care you can go to hell.


Rating: 3.2/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (2)
Posted by Laurence Simon at 09:29 AM | Email This

Q: How long before someone at DailyKos looks at the Senate... sees the two I's i nthe party list... realizes they're both Jews... screams ISRAEL! and claims there's a Zionist Conspiracy to take over the government?


Rating: 3.0/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (7)
Election '06 Thoughts
Posted by Frank J. at 09:25 AM | Email This

* If you suck and are in charge, you will be thrown out... even if your replacements also suck. Will Democrats learn this lesson now that they're in charge? Kinda doubt it.

* Joe Lieberman may end up being the deciding vote in whether the Democrats have a majority, thus making him the powerful sitting Senator. If he doesn't get too big a head to thank his supporters, he should send a fruit basket to Kos.

* If you don't know who to vote for, put your write in candidate as "pie." A vote is never wasted if it's for pie. Mmm pie.

* Whitler brings up a good quote from Winston Churchill (yes, he's posted twice in two days; surely it is the end of time): "Americans can always be counted on to do the right thing...after they have exhausted all other possibilities."

* Gold! Gold I tells ya! Speaker Pelosi! Liberals trying to set an agenda in a time of war! It's pure comedy gold!

* There a huge noise machine to make Iraq look like a disaster and force us to retreat (i.e., declare we lost). That means we need to make a lot of noise to combat it, and the one who can do that best is the president. I really don't want to hear much out of him other than that topic and border security.

Unless he read IMAO and wants to talk about it. He can talk all he wants about that too.

Ooh! I'll have to send him a copy of my book when it comes out...

* I really really need coffee this morning.

* I've already kicked the cat, but the dog gets to wait until we hear more on the Senate. When I kicked the cat, she gave me this look that said, “I understand.”

Actually, she gave me her “I never understand anything ever” blank stare. Still, it was fun.

* I think, out of everything, I'm most disappointed in you, my readers. I know I did all that was possible, so somehow you all failed. Bad readers. You should be ashamed.

* No time to be sad and mopey. The Republican Party got what it deserved, and new fun times lay ahead. What crazy things the Democrats will do now? Only Satan knows, but I'm sure it will be hilarious.

Rating: 2.6/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (12)
What Hath Macaca Wrought?
Posted by Frank J. at 08:56 AM | Email This
"I love the taste of penis in the morning. Tastes like... victory."

Rating: 3.0/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Look On The Bright Side
Posted by Harvey at 08:39 AM | Email This

I predict three good things will come out of the Dem's resurgent political power:

1) The troops will FINALLY get the armor that Bush has so far refused to provide for them.

2) Bush will no longer be criticized for not using his veto power enough.

3) After 90 years of progressive taxation, the Democrats will FINALLY figure out how to make the rich pay their fair share.

Anyone else got any predictions?

Rating: 3.2/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (14)
Next on TLC's "What Not To Wear On Patrol"...
Posted by Harvey at 08:33 AM | Email This

iraqi police.jpg

U.S. Army Capt. Samuel Shepherd calls in the fashion police on two Iraqi soldiers for accessorizing their camo with 70's-retro-orange rifles.

[Hat tip to CENTCOM for the pic]

Rating: 2.7/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (2)
Say good morning to the new face of the U.S. House of Representatives!
Posted by Frank J. at 08:29 AM | Email This


Rating: 2.5/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (5)
G.O.P.--Grand Old Platitudians
Posted by Frank J. at 08:27 AM | Email This

I woke up this morning to find that the Republicans had lost control of the House and possibly the Senate. I should care, but, oddly, I do not. I devoted hundreds of hours, and dollars, to do my small part to elect and re-elect George Bush in 2000 and 2004 and help push the G.O.P. agenda, but I could barely muster the enthusiasm to drive three blocks to make my way into the voting both yesterday.

I know the precise moment when my indifference to the G.O.P. crystallized--the date the RINOs prevented the Senate from exercising the "nuclear option" in regard to judicial appointments. For me and many others, that was the key issue in the 2004 election--the one thing they had to get right and were in a position to get right. Yet, oddly, the G.O.Platitudians pushed it aside after one half-hearted attempt.

But my contempt for the G.O.P. has roots deeper than that. Any one remember the Contract with America back in 1994, when the G.O.P swept into power largely on the basis of promises to restore fiscal responsibility? I barely do, and the G.O.Platitudians certainly don't seem to. Fiscal responsibility? The G.O.P. offers bald, empty platitudes on the subject, and then spends our tax dollars like drunken sailors on shore leave. One of the largest entitlements in history, the prescription drug plan, was brought into being on the watch of the G.O.Platitudians--not the Democrats. Indeed, I suspect that if the House and Senate were in Democratic control when that measure was passed, our President might have dusted off the veto pen that has sat unused in his desk drawer. And don't even get me started with "line item veto"--anyone remember that issue? The one what would give the President the power to cripple pork barrel spending? The G.O.Platitudians do not.

Also of concern, there is the matter of the Iraq war. Sadly, after the 2004 election, President Bush and the administration returned to the White House and didn't bother to make any more proactive efforts to explain exactly why our troops continue to be there. I understand that in the first few years we definitely needed a military presence to maintain order, and I strongly supported that. But now four years have passed, and I do not know why we are there. Sure, I know the party platitude--"maintain order" and "stay the course." But I would like to know, and think I am entitled to know, a little more detail than that. Why aren't the Iraqis in a position to patrol and maintain order in their own country? I have no idea--if there is a good reason, I would love to hear it. Why are dozens of young Americans being picked off there every month? What are we doing to rectify that situation? Why is it that we continue to send National Guard and Army Reserve members to Iraq--after four years, can't we train active duty people to do these jobs? I need more than platitudes to stand behind a "stay the course" policy. I place this failure to communicate squarely on President Bush. When President Clinton was in office, it seemed like he was on t.v. every single day saying something I didn't agree with. Where is President Bush? When I do see him, all I hear is the same stumbling platitudes I have heard 100 times before. Starved of meaningful content, I'm not listening anymore, and it seems that the rest of the "middle" isn't either.

I recently heard someone say that the G.O.P. stands for and wins on Gays, Guns and God. I think you can throw in border security, a strong military, national security, judicial reform and fiscal responsibility. The national party has done a pathetic job of pushing these issues to the forefront. The independents out there will follow us on most of these issues--if we offer them.

Where is our leadership? Dennis Hastert has done a pretty lousy job in my humble opinion. He has maintained one of the most powerful positions in the world for years, and how many independents out there would recognize him if they saw him. Newt Gingrich is instantly recognizable. I know his face, I know what he stands for, I know he believes what he is saying. Who is Dennis Hastert? What agenda has he pushed? Speaker Hastert may be a brilliant administrator, but I want a leader in that position who can push the G.O.P. agenda. He has not done that, and as guardian of the purse-strings, he has done a pathetic job. Good riddance. I would rather have that nut job Nancy Pelosi out there, defining our agenda by contrast than have a complete vacuum as existed when Hastert was in control. I would rather have the House completely gridlocked, as it almost certainly will be, than have them burning my tax dollars in the furnace of their self-aggrandizement. And border security? Pathetic.

I might argue that the G.O.P. has been "all hat and no cattle" on most of these core issues. However, I'm not even certain there is a hat. I'm not sure they have defined an agenda well enough to warrant the label hypocrite. Hopefully in the coming months, some form of leadership will emerge in the Senate and House, though who that could possibly be I do not know. McCain (who, based on the results last night) will be our next President, certainly isn't going to push our agenda in any meaningful way. Who knows what alternatives we have in the House. I can name more House members from the late 1990s who were legitimate leaders and captured national attention, than I can name current leaders in the House (or Senate for that matter).

The G.O.Platitududians deserved the spanking they got last night. I seriously wonder if it would have been better if it had been worse. I would rather be aligned with a a consistent, forthright, loyal opposition, than the G.O.Platitudians we have been stuck with for nearly 10 years. If the G.O.Platitudians can't inspire me, arguably a "party hack," what hope do they have of inspring the "middle"?


Rating: 3.1/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (14)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 08:24 AM | Email This


1) (T/F) Bart found Bobo the Bear in a bag of ice

2) In "Treehouse of Horror IV", a gremlin is seen attacking what?

3) Why does next door neighbor Ruth Powers flee the law?

4) Who created the doll Malibu Stacy?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.1/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (4) | Simpsons Trivia
Morning Haiku
Posted by Frank J. at 07:02 AM | Email This

And the milk was spilt,
But shed not a single tear.
Nachos are yummy.

Rating: 2.8/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (9)
We Met an Actual Black Registered Republican and Also Got Disenfranchised (Frank Once, Me Twice)
Posted by sarahk at 12:30 AM | Email This

Frank and I went to vote together this evening. Awwwww, isn't that cute? Our first married election, and we went together. Now, I was really freaked out, because I couldn't find our marriage license (I saw it just the other day), and my voter registration card still has my maiden name on it. I did have the receipt from when I got my first Florida drivers license (maiden name) and also the receipt for the second (married name) and also had the receipt for the marriage license which has both names on it, so I was prepared to argue my case. But lemme tell you, I was stressed and having a million billion seizures because even though I know my vote doesn't count, I also know our collective votes count.

So we got to the city council chambers, and the parking lot was packed, and the line was all the way around the building but moving fairly quickly. It was only 6:35. I was so proud of us for being early!

The first chuckle I got was when I saw Dr. Bob Bowman's people try to ask someone going into the line if they were voting for Dr. Bob, and the guy totally blew them off. Dr. Bob's lady got snippy to the guy's back and said, "Well, he shouldn't vote if he's not even going to read up on the issues."

Uhhhhh.... He's not voting for your 9/11 Truther, so that makes him uninformed on the issues? And maybe he read up on the issues before he left his house? Funny, she didn't even approach us to offer the official Dr. Bob reading material. Hmph! Must have been the red sweater. It screamed Republican.


Rating: 3.3/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (9)
The New Game
Posted by Frank J. at 12:14 AM | Email This

I don't think we'll find out about the Senate tonight, so I'm heading to bed.

Anyway, the Democrats got themselves a win. The Republicans were weak coming into this, but it didn't look like the Democrats were strong enough to deliver the killing blow. Still, the Dems got themselves some candidates who were moderate to conservative and offered some good choices over the distasteful Republicans.

So, what now? How will the Democrats react to leadership? What will the Republicans do in response? What will happen to the war? Will any dumb monkey faces get punched?

It's a fun new game coming, but I'm tired and need to work tomorrow.

But let's laugh one last time at Kos:


What a tosser.

Now on to 2008!

Goodnight, y'all... and be honorable, ronin.

Rating: 2.3/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (6)
On The Bright Side
Posted by spacemonkey at 12:12 AM | Email This

The president still has this.


Lets just hope he remembers how to use it.

And where he left it.

Rating: 2.5/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Playing out the scenario...
Posted by Laurence Simon at 12:07 AM | Email This

Okay, let's play this scenario out:

  • Democrats take House, Pelosi emerges as speaker after leaks of backroom discussions over her being a better backbencher protest cheerleader than an actual leader.
  • Republicans hold Senate with Cheney tiebreaker.

John Paul Stevens leaves Supreme Court feet first.

Bush gets mildly conservative replacement nominated. Major PR disaster, worse than Meirs.

Rangel gets Ways and Means, immediately threatens to cut off Iraq/Afghanistan military funding.

Dingell, Moran, and others try to convince Rangel to cut off aid for Israel, too. Major PR disaster.

Jim McDermott, John Dingell, Maxine Waters, and several other House Democrats travel to Syria or Iran, return to face Logan Act prosecution.

Case ends up in Supreme Court, decision is 5-4 to send violators to prison.

House seats vacated, Republicans retake extremely narrow majority.

Okay, okay - it's nuts.

Rating: 2.3/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (4)
November 07, 2006
If the Republicans Are Smart...
Posted by Frank J. at 11:38 PM | Email This

...they're going to come back from this with stronger conservative themes and talk exclusively about smashing things and killing terrorists.

If they're smart...

Rating: 3.2/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (11)
Posted by Frank J. at 11:37 PM | Email This

I heard FOX News call the winner of the Hawaii Senate race an "akaka."

Rating: 2.9/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (1)
Posted by Frank J. at 11:23 PM | Email This

They just showed who will run all the committees now that the Dems have the House, and it's every left wing radical who thinks there's nothing more important than investigating Bush and eliminating the tax cuts. Pelosi is the least of our worries...


Rating: 2.4/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (3)
FOX News Calls It
Posted by Frank J. at 11:22 PM | Email This


Rating: 3.2/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (5)
We Can Still Steele a Democrat Seat in the Senate
Posted by Frank J. at 11:12 PM | Email This

Why it's not over for Steele. He's currently ahead in the count, and the calls against him were based on old voting patterns... such as him getting the same amount of black vote as any other Republican.

Come on. Hold on to the Senate...

(the House is gone guys; it's gone. bye bye House... hello Pelosi!)

Rating: 3.4/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (1)
Posted by Laurence Simon at 11:07 PM | Email This


BREAKING NEWS (IMAO) - William Jefferson currently leading large pack of contenders in Second District of Louisiana, accidentally microwaves a stack of 100 dollar bills instead of Pepperoni Pizza Hot Pocket.

Rating: 3.3/5 (9 votes cast)

Posted by Frank J. at 11:02 PM | Email This

There are numerous ballot initiatives against eminate domain that were voted on today. I know conservatives hate eminent domain, but do liberals like it? Does anybody like it... other than the Supreme Court, that is?

Rating: 2.5/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (2)
Lieberman Left the Democrats?
Posted by sarahk at 10:49 PM | Email This

Juan Williams argued a few minutes ago that Joe Lieberman chose to leave the Democrats blah blah blah. Frank's election prediction of SarahK yelling at the TV came true.

No no. They left him. Not the other way around. He's always been willing to work with them, but they skewered and abandoned him.

I love that tonight was pure vindication for him.


Rating: 2.1/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (4)
Let's Take a Moment...
Posted by Frank J. at 10:44 PM | Email This

...to laugh at Kos and friends again.


Rating: 2.6/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Posted by Frank J. at 10:36 PM | Email This

Steele has not conceded, by the way, and vows to wait until all the votes are counted.

Yeah, I'm guessing that's lost, but I still have to hold out hope.

Oh, poor Rowdi dog is panting nervously right now. I think she knows she's likely to get punched when all this is over.

Rating: 2.4/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (3)
Go, Mr. Steele!!!
Posted by RightWingDuck at 10:33 PM | Email This


Rating: 2.8/5 (12 votes cast)

Posted by spacemonkey at 10:25 PM | Email This

The word I heard over and over today is change. If Democrats are elected, take the house, senate, governorships, then the American people want change. A vote for the Dems is a vote for change. I guess that very well may be the case.

Because more than likely after the new taxes, income and jizya, that's exactly what we'll have.


Rating: 3.0/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (1)
yu all die now!
Posted by Scary Evil Monkey at 10:24 PM | Email This

hey dum stoopid neocon heelbilly jues! yu lose house now. yu lose senate. yu lose evryting! yu and dum stoopid boosh weel fall to all my monkey freends now dat dems take over.

oh po sad wittle repubs. yu sad because you and boosh ar all hated. I cheer you up...


Rating: 2.2/5 (26 votes cast)

Comments (1) | Scary Evil Monkey
Yo! AARP!!
Posted by sarahk at 10:19 PM | Email This

The polls in Florida have been closed for 3 hours. You may stop playing the "Don't Vote" commercials now.

BTW, those are the most annoying commercials ever ever, so if I still could vote, I would vote without knowing the issues just to annoy you as much as you've annoyed me over the last 3 hours.

Rating: 3.0/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (1)
Posted by Laurence Simon at 10:07 PM | Email This


BREAKING NEWS (IMAO) - Jew Lieberman has won re-election to the U.S. Senate, um... that's Joe. Joe Lieberman. Senator Joe Lieberman. (Please, Joe, don't send the Golem after us!)

Rating: 2.1/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (1)
Posted by Frank J. at 10:03 PM | Email This

Does Chafee losing make anyone at all sad anywhere... other than Chafee himself?

Rating: 3.4/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (2)
I feel guilty...
Posted by RightWingDuck at 10:03 PM | Email This

On the one hand, I really want us to win.

On the other hand, if we lose...

It would be the MOTHER LODE of comic material.

I feel so conflicted.

Rating: 2.1/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (3)
Switching channels...
Posted by Laurence Simon at 10:03 PM | Email This


Okay, time to switch to Nip/Tuck.

But first, I have to put out some catnip.

We call it Catnip/Tuck.

Rating: 2.1/5 (10 votes cast)

Posted by Laurence Simon at 10:01 PM | Email This


BREAKING NEWS (IMAO) - Orrin Hatch has won re-election to the U.S. Senate, carries through with threat to blow up computers containing illegal downl(*$&)*3$@f-)_fff!4)(a)1&$@*(^ NO CARRIER

Rating: 2.2/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (2)
Let's Talk About Some Happy Things
Posted by Frank J. at 09:59 PM | Email This

Hugh Hewitt, who has the name of a smart person, thinks we may still hold the house.

I think it's time to focus on happy things.

My puppy is fluffy and loves hugs.

Write other happy things in the comments! Yay!

Rating: 3.3/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (8)
It Looks Like Buchanan Will Hold His Seat!
Posted by Frank J. at 09:53 PM | Email This

I don't know who that is, but apparently it bodes well for Republicans, so maybe tonight won't be all death and destruction.

Oh! And Crist just has been announced winner for Governor of Florida. I can't live under the vile, weak-willed rule of a Democrat.

Rating: 2.6/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (2)
More Good Election Night News
Posted by Frank J. at 09:46 PM | Email This

There could possibly be some booze somewhere in your house.

Rating: 2.7/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (4)
Election Prediction
Posted by spacemonkey at 09:39 PM | Email This

2006liveblogbanner.jpgA lot of lawyers will be super busy in the morning.

No matter what.

Rating: 2.2/5 (10 votes cast)

Blood Everywhere!
Posted by Frank J. at 09:38 PM | Email This

We're dying out here!

Mercy upon the poor Republicans! Mercy please!

At least Dean Barnett has some good news.

Rating: 2.7/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (1)
Posted by Frank J. at 09:28 PM | Email This

With 1% reporting and the vote 55% for Steele and 43% for Cardin, CNN has called the race for Cardin.

Are they projecting who is the winner or are they just projecting?

Rating: 2.8/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (3)
Posted by Frank J. at 09:21 PM | Email This




Oh... it's good to laugh.

The moral victory is now complete. Previously, Kos was batting zero, but now that he's lost a solidly Democratic seat, does that give him a negative batting average?

No matter how bad things turn out tonight, we can always laugh at Kos.

Rating: 2.6/5 (11 votes cast)

Can I Get a Vote Here?
Posted by sarahk at 09:14 PM | Email This

Are we all agreed that Joey Lawrence totally looks gay in his silk sailor outfit?

Rating: 3.0/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Go Steele!
Posted by Frank J. at 09:12 PM | Email This

67% right now... with 0% reporting. Hopefully he can keep that lead.

Rating: 2.8/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (1)
Dancing with the Stars?!
Posted by Frank J. at 09:08 PM | Email This

Can't we watch House instead until the Tivo lets us watch news again?

Rating: 2.7/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (1)
Don't Even Think About It!
Posted by sarahk at 09:05 PM | Email This

We just got a warning from our DVR that it's going to change channels on us, because 2 shows will be recording at once. The warning showed that House is coming on. Here's what happened next:

FRANK J.: Uh-oh... What two shows are we recording?
SARAHK: Hahahahaha! House and Dancing with the Stars.
FRANK J. [looking hopefully at me]:

And then I thought about it and got really excited, because that means I get to watch the dances! Oh, and Mario and Karina just got the first 30 of the season! Wow. Go Emmitt!

Rating: 3.0/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (3)
Projection Update: The Fewer Votes the Better!
Posted by RightWingDuck at 08:57 PM | Email This


Source: CNN Election Updates

BTW, I know trends change, but can we at least COUNT the votes for heavens, sake?

Update: Never mind. The tally was just updated. New Jersey? Fine, I'm sending my toxic waste elsewhere! Oh, wait. No - I'm sending them MORE!!


Rating: 3.3/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (2)
Only two more hours til . . .
Posted by Frank J. at 08:57 PM | Email This

. . . they let crazy Aunt Nancy out of the attic they've kept her locked in the last three weeks . . .


Rating: 2.5/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (5)
If You're Still Itching to Vote for Something...
Posted by Frank J. at 08:56 PM | Email This

Listen to all the entries in the Pickle Tales Contest, pick your favorite, and then vote for Lairs.

Also, when you register at Podcast Pickle, you can also rate the IMAO Podcast (which will be coming back soon). It's not gotten very good ratings in humor so far...

Rating: 2.8/5 (8 votes cast)

Hey, Y'all, Guess What?
Posted by sarahk at 08:47 PM | Email This

Chuckie Schumer says they're ready to take the country back!!!!!

Take it back where? To hell?

No thanks.

Rating: 2.8/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (1)
Kean and Santorum Lose
Posted by Frank J. at 08:45 PM | Email This

Which means that the Democrats are now, by my count, 49 seats away from having a majority in the Senate.

When do we get results from Maryland? Is everyone lazy there or something? I want to hear that Steele has won!

Rating: 2.8/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (2)
Reid Gets Smacked Around by the Kos Kids
Posted by Frank J. at 08:43 PM | Email This

The Kos Kids really should just be kept in dank basements and away from people.

Rating: 2.8/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (3)
Ohio Republican Voter Irregularity!
Posted by Frank J. at 08:36 PM | Email This

I have reports of one person in Ohio being sent to 3 different polling places when he tried to vote in an attempt to wear him down and get him to give up. Any results against Republicans should be thrown out!

Rating: 2.3/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (1)
Dave Weldon Wins!
Posted by Frank J. at 08:32 PM | Email This

2006liveblogbanner.jpgMy district has already been called for Dave Weldon, with 56% to 44%. That's a decent showing for his 9/11 Truther opponent.

Rating: 3.4/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (1)
IMAO Polling Update!!!
Posted by RightWingDuck at 08:29 PM | Email This


Rating: 2.6/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (2)
In All This Excitement...
Posted by Frank J. at 08:26 PM | Email This

2006liveblogbanner.jpg...I just realized I have no idea what a cappuccino is. I know it involves coffee and foam, but, other than that, no clue. Is that weird?

Rating: 2.8/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (9)
We Met a Gun-Toting, Black Republican!
Posted by Frank J. at 08:21 PM | Email This

While in line to vote, we met a real live gun-toting black Republican. We unfortunately forgot a camera to document this event. SarahK should have more on it soon.

It's so rare these days to meet anyone who is proud to call himself a Republican... but someone who is also black? Shoulda had the camera...

Rating: 3.2/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (1)
Socially Conscious
Posted by Frank J. at 08:10 PM | Email This

The Florida Senate race is already called for Nelson. I should have at pushed for Harris a little. I just bought the line that the race was a lost case and didn't pay it any attention. I'm a bad Republican and a bad American.

On the other hand, I did interview both candidates for Congress in my district. That makes me a much better participant in our democracy than the rest of you peons who only voted.

BTW, the race for governor in Florida right now is close. It wasn't supposed to be. It may have to be with how Crist snubbed President Bush the other day. We really like Jeb Bush here, so don't be mean to his brother.

Rating: 3.6/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (2)
No Worries
Posted by Frank J. at 08:06 PM | Email This

2006liveblogbanner.jpgThough exit polling may look bad, things will turn out okay. No matter what, my book will still come out later this month and then I'll get your sweet sweet money.

Rating: 2.7/5 (10 votes cast)

Posted by Laurence Simon at 08:04 PM | Email This


BREAKING NEWS (IMAO) - Robert Byrd has won re-election to the U.S. Senate, suggests to impatient Grim Reaper that "he would look snappier in white... with a peaked hood on his cloak."

Rating: 3.5/5 (8 votes cast)

Posted by Laurence Simon at 08:01 PM | Email This


BREAKING NEWS (IMAO) - Ted Kennedy has won re-election to the U.S. Senate, condemns Han Solo to be digested by Sarlacc for 1,000 years according to bikini-clad spokeswoman chained to his floating pleasure barge.

Rating: 2.9/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (2)
Why Are We Never Polled on What We Think of the Voters?
Posted by Frank J. at 08:01 PM | Email This

2006liveblogbanner.jpgThey sound stupid. I don't like them.

Rating: 3.6/5 (7 votes cast)

Results Update
Posted by spacemonkey at 07:58 PM | Email This

2006liveblogbanner.jpgVA- Macaca (R) is slightly trailing Weenie-taster (D).

TN - Ford (D) still looks white regardless of what ball cap he's wearing and is facing serious trouble from Chevy (R).

FL - Foley's (R - Freak) name is still on the ballot. His replacement, Negron (R) is winning even though his name means black in some language or another.

Rating: 3.1/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (3)
Marky Katharine Ham Does Not Have a Face Like a Baboon's Butt
Posted by Frank J. at 07:55 PM | Email This

2006liveblogbanner.jpgI'm sorry. SarahK yelled at me for saying it earlier. MKH is in fact as cute as a button (which you can see for a fact by watching any HamNation). She should be on CNN tonight with other bloggers and will also be blogging all night at TownHall.

[SarahK: Mary Katharine, I apologize for my husband, who is an idiot. I jumped all over him tonight and told him that if he wants to continue to get your attention, the way to do it is not to call you ugly, as y'all aren't in 1st grade. He thought it was so funny to say such things about you, because it was so obviously not true, but I have corrected his stupidity.

See, the other day in the car on the way home from church, he said something about you, and I said, "Hey, why'd you say she's cute as a button? You can't flirt with her!" and he said, "I'm not flirting. Do you want me to say she's ugly?" and I said, "Yeah, do that," and rolled my eyes. And he's really dumb, so he actually did that.]

Rating: 2.5/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (3)
Live Blog Banner
Posted by spacemonkey at 07:42 PM | Email This


I guess y'all like the banner I made.

Rating: 2.5/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (1)
Posted by Frank J. at 07:39 PM | Email This

2006liveblogbanner.jpgI'm back from voting. So, just let me catch up with things and expect a ton more posting. Pour yourself some congac, light up a cigar, kick the dog, and keep rereshing IMAO all night long... or until all of us go to bed.

Rating: 3.1/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (5)
My polling place... is... um...
Posted by Laurence Simon at 07:10 PM | Email This


Remember when I got cocky about voting early Downtown because I was concerned about long lines Election Day and having to find my way to the polling place and back, standing around some school or firehouse or pervert's garage?


Rating: 3.9/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (1)
My campaign contributions
Posted by Laurence Simon at 07:00 PM | Email This

I'd like to make a confession: 100% of my campaign contributions have been to Democrats.

That's right. Me. An IMAO blogger and podcaster. Contributing to Democrats.



Rating: 2.6/5 (9 votes cast)

You Can ALWAYS Trust The Exit Polling!!
Posted by RightWingDuck at 06:43 PM | Email This


Rating: 2.8/5 (10 votes cast)

Heading Out to Vote
Posted by Frank J. at 06:11 PM | Email This

I'm home with the lovely and talented SarahK who is currently looking for her marriage license so she can vote (she's still registered under her maiden name). If she can't find it, then we'll see how well our local polls fight voter fraud as we try to sneak her in to vote.

Either way, I'm getting my vote in.

After that, I'm going to settle in here at home with my TV in front of me and my laptop beside me for a night full of blogging fun as the election results rolls in. So keep refreshing; the party won't be over until we say it is.

Rating: 3.0/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (4)
Pelosi's Facial Skin
Posted by spacemonkey at 06:02 PM | Email This

If it does get any tighter, like Frank says, I fear her cyber-endoskeleton will burst out and the machines will move forward their plan to replace the rest of us .

Another reason to vote Republican: Pro-Gun, Strong on Anti-machine Civil Rights

Update: More at Guns-n-Butter

Update: Even More at DaybyDay

Rating: 3.9/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (2)
Non-election News: Glenn Reynolds Not Involved in Puppy Harm!
Posted by sarahk at 05:26 PM | Email This

I have spoken with Glenn Reynolds, and he confirms that he did not give this man advice. Had the man consulted Glenn, a different appliance would have been involved altogether.

In all seriousness, I'd like to kill this man with my bare hands (even if the dog is a yip-yap chihuahua). But I won't.


Rating: 2.6/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (3)
Posted by Laurence Simon at 04:34 PM | Email This

My inbox just got 15% dumber:

-- Britney Spears files for divorce from her husband Kevin Federline, citing irreconcilable differences.

A court spokeswoman says Britney Spears has filed for divorce from rapper-dancer Kevin Federline, citing irreconcilable differences.

A court spokeswoman says Britney Spears has filed for divorce from rapper-dancer Kevin Federline, citing irreconcilable differences.

Saddam returns to court to face Kurds
Saddam Hussein has returned to court to face charges of genocide against Iraq's Kurds, two days after another panel sentenced him to death for crimes against humanity. Saddam, wearing a black suit and white shirt with a handkerchief, entered the court and took his seat quietly among the other six defendants on Tuesday.

*sigh* It's a sad day when Al-Jazeerah has the least worthless alerts.


Rating: 3.3/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Bored by Election Day Blogging
Posted by sarahk at 04:25 PM | Email This

Rowdi is snoring loudly on her big doggie pillow. The cats are sleeping. They rest well, knowing that no matter how much the Democrats steal our pet food money to pay for useless social programs that will weaken the nation, I will find some way to feed them.


Rating: 2.1/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (3)
Open letter to idiots writing in McKinney in Georgia's 4th District today
Posted by Laurence Simon at 03:46 PM | Email This


We're watching you.

Now be good little moonbats and vote for Hank, or we'll put saltpeter in your collard greens.


Rating: 2.3/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (3)
As We Speak...
Posted by Frank J. at 03:31 PM | Email This

Pelosi's skin is stretching even tighter over her face in anticipation of the election results...

Rating: 1.9/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (4)
Report Voting Irregularities Here
Posted by Frank J. at 03:03 PM | Email This

2006liveblogbanner.jpgBut only those you caused yourself, such as snatching a ballot out of a Democrat's hand and setting it on fire.

For irregularities against you, they go here.

Rating: 3.0/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Islamic Extremists and Those Kwazy Kos Kids
Posted by Frank J. at 02:50 PM | Email This


Rating: 3.0/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (5)
More good economic news
Posted by Laurence Simon at 02:49 PM | Email This

2006liveblogbanner.jpgMore good economic news that's sure to drive the Democrats nuts:

FedEx Corp. canceled its order for 10 Airbus A380 jets on Tuesday, the first customer to retract an order for the new jumbo double-decker plane that has been dogged by numerous delays.

The world's largest express transportation company cited Airbus' production delays and said in a statement that its FedEx Express unit has ordered 15 Boeing Co. 777 freighters with a list price of $3.5 billion and taken options on an additional 15.

"The availability and delivery timing of this aircraft, coupled with its attractive payload range and economics, make this choice the best decision for FedEx," said FedEx Chairman and CEO Frederick W. Smith.

Interesting how the Europeans screaming for timetables for Coalition withdrawal from Iraq can't even meet a timetable to build airplanes.


Rating: 2.4/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Red Sweater
Posted by sarahk at 02:49 PM | Email This

2006liveblogbanner.jpgHey, y'all, I'm wearing my red sweater today. Just in case anyone wonders who I'm (mainly) voting for when I hit the polls.


Rating: 2.0/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (14)
RE: Uh-Uh
Posted by Frank J. at 02:46 PM | Email This

2006liveblogbanner.jpgYou shut up!

Rating: 3.1/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Posted by sarahk at 02:42 PM | Email This

2006liveblogbanner.jpgI promise it was just a trick to get you to pick me up after work so we could go vote together! Like a cute little newlywed couple!


Rating: 2.7/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (2)
Voting Irregularity!
Posted by Frank J. at 02:39 PM | Email This

2006liveblogbanner.jpgSarahK gave me the wrong voter registration card this morning, so now I can't vote on my way home from work! She tried to disenfranchise me!

My whole marriage must have been a dirty trick of the Democrats to keep me from voting...

Rating: 3.5/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Election photos...
Posted by Laurence Simon at 02:28 PM | Email This

Let's just take a look at some Election 2006 photos hitting the wires...

"That's right. You a H-O."

"It was so much easier than prosecuting and convicting them separately."

Oddly enough, she's also legal to marry in her state, too.

"What do you mean I can't write in Jefferson Davis?"

"It's not that big, dear."

"I just Joepened a can of whup-ass on Lamont."

"I can't wait to join the smoke-free back rooms of Congress."

And last...


Rating: 2.6/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (4)
We're Notable as Long as No One Notices
Posted by Frank J. at 02:24 PM | Email This

IMAO has had a Wikipedia entry for a couple weeks now, mainly because it was added quietly and says little more than what's needed to establish IMAO's notability. So don't mess with it unless you're an experience Wiki editor and knows the sort of things Wikipedia likes.

Instead, read this lengthy article on Megatron and see if you can think of anything it's missing. I think Megatron is a good subject to bring up today. If Megatron attacks, do you really think the Democrats have enough of a backbone to stand up to him?

I laugh at that notion.

Rating: 2.4/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (4)
Posted by Frank J. at 01:58 PM | Email This

If I wanted to measure the intelligence of one walnut versus another walnut, what battery of test should I subject them too?

I know there are other things going on right now, but this question has been bothering me for a while.

Rating: 2.4/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Celebrity Post
Posted by RightWingDuck at 01:58 PM | Email This


Rating: 3.0/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (2)
Voter Intimidation Tip #23
Posted by Frank J. at 01:47 PM | Email This

Try using fire. Everyone is intimidated by fire. Even Frakenstein.

Rating: 3.2/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (11)
I Finally Have to Ask...
Posted by Frank J. at 01:20 PM | Email This

What exactly did Bush lie about?

I mean, I feel lied to with how he's been on immigration and spending, but what do the muckadoos refer to? Do they even know?

Maybe he lied about how big a fish he caught; sounds like the sort of thing he'd lie about. Or maybe he padded his resume with something like, "Governor of the largest, most powerful state ever ever!" Or perhaps a dress did make Laura look fat and he wouldn't admit to it.

Whatever it was, people died because of that lie.

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