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December 31, 2006
Heeb on the Hajj: Day 2
Posted by Laurence Simon at 10:30 AM | Email This

Okay, well, it's been kind of hard to get my photos out from my tagging along in the Hajj because cell coverage sucks around here. Plus, they make you take of jewelry and cell phones and any kind of adornment,so it's been really sneaky of me disguising my cell phone camera as an insulin pump


Rating: 2.8/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (11)
December 30, 2006
A Conservative Catblogger in need of assistance...
Posted by Laurence Simon at 09:54 PM | Email This

Mog from Mind of Mog, who helped convince me to keep the Carnival of the Cats going when it was only single-digit participation and didn't look to be getting any better, has had a rough time of it the past two weeks, having gone to the hospital for a flareup of her MS.

She's not going to be able to work for a while, she's out of time off, and she's in a real bind financially.

She can really use our help.

Her email address is idomoggie (at) mac.com, so that's where to send PayPal contributions or inquire about where to send checks.

Rating: 2.8/5 (17 votes cast)

Caption This
Posted by Harvey at 11:23 AM | Email This

I'm thinking:

"Does this noose make me look fat?"


"I'll give 'em credit for trying, but the Iraqi version of the Village People just seems to be missing that flamboyant spark... possibly because it's so hard to arm-spell Y-M-C-A in Arabic."

Rating: 3.0/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (50)
Posted by Harvey at 11:16 AM | Email This

Saddam Hussein has FINALLY been executed for "crimes against humanity". But what exactly were those crimes?

I have a list:

* Being the source of those annoying "XXX hot amateur camel action!" spam e-mails. That stuff is only XX, at best.

* Deliberately refusing to cooperate with UN resolutions, thus giving the UN unwarranted credibility by acknowledging its existence.

* Saying what the crazy voices inside his head told him to without giving them proper credit - plagiarism is WRONG, people!

* Capitalizing the "i" in iPod.

* Attempting to acquire nuclear weapons without having poofy hair.

* Forcing all women to wear burkhas instead of just the ugly ones.

* Running over puppies with his Segway.

* Killing his political enemies and throwing them in mass graves in CLEAR violation of Iraq's recycling laws.

* Jar-Jar was originally Saddam's idea.

* As was the Star Wars Holiday Special.

Let me know if I missed any.

Rating: 2.5/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (8)
101 Uses For A Dead Saddam....
Posted by RightWingDuck at 10:36 AM | Email This

Saddam is dead and I have to say - Wow, the Iraqi justice system moves quickly. It was funny to see some of the Americans caught off guard.

Ramsey Clark: Saddam will not be getting the death penalty.We have filed an appeal and plan to... HEY, GET HIM DOWN FROM THERE!!!

Saddam Hussein is now dead.

What happens next? Civil war? Peace in the Middle East?

Who cares. I want to know one thing: What will they be doing with the body?

In the tender, .loving spirit that is IMAO, I have started a list....

101 Uses For a Dead Saddam.

Maybe you can help me add to it...

1. T-ball stand

2. Put two grooves in his forehead. Make him an ashtray.

3. Chiropractic dummy

4. Bayonet dummy

5. Ottoman

6. Cast him in bronze make a statue for the ACLU

7. Cat condo

8. Burqua manikin

9. Iraqi farm league pitcher's mound

10. Three man toboggan (four if his neck isn't too broken)

11. Stand-in for Weekend At Bernie's III

12. Prayer rug

13. Hang him with his sons and make wind chimes

14. Democrat voter

15. Elephant tampon

16. French Disneyland Figure: You must be at least THIS tall to ride...

17. Fertilizer

18. CPR Dummy

19. Fuzzy Beard Donor

20. Green Zone Speed Bump


If you have suggestions on Uses for A Dead Saddam, please post them in comments.

Rating: 2.2/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (19)
December 29, 2006
Saddam Execution Haiku Party!
Posted by Laurence Simon at 09:56 PM | Email This

Head over to Meryl Yourish's place and haiku away!

Rating: 2.8/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (28)
Posted by Laurence Simon at 02:18 PM | Email This

Do not believe any lies from Saddam's defense attorneys (primarily Ramsay Clark, who is a rare exception to the "Don't leave a man behind" rule of the Marines) are spreading regarding the handover of Saddam Hussein.

No handover of Saddam Hussein has taken place.


Rating: 2.3/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (13)
What is Mahmoud Abbas Praying For? #18
Posted by Laurence Simon at 10:56 AM | Email This

It's Friday, so you know it's time for the wire services to post the non sequitur non-news story of Mahmoud Abbas praying at a mosque.

However, this week's different... this week we're going to start a new feature called:


So, from Mahmoud Abbas' expressions, can you tell what Mahmoud Abbas is praying for?

Is it:

a) James Brown to follow through on that promise to leave his "Sex Machine" to him in his will.

b) Haniyeh to bring back lots of guns on his trip to Mecca. Oh, and some Ricola chews.

c) The guy in the red checked tablecloth to quit blowing his nose in it.

d) The fillings in his teeth to pick up shortwave instead of AM.

e) zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... Pauly Shore... zzzzzzzzzzzz... three cups of Mazola... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... duct tape...

f) Apple to add servers to its iTunes site. It was so hard downloading all those Grand Funk Railroad tracks.

g) A juggler. Because jugglers are fun.



Put your guesses in the comments.

Rating: 2.5/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Friday Catblogging
Posted by Laurence Simon at 09:50 AM | Email This

Since it's Friday, I thought I'd spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka "I-MEOW").

Everybody's a bit concerned around here about FrankJ wanting to fire his guns in the air for New Years, but I'm a bit more concerned about SarahK firing her guns at... well... me. Unti lthen, I guess I should Friday Catblog.

Anyway, it's time for Nardo the Ancient Chinese Secret:

If you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Nardo is... um...

Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.

You can find more examples of Friday catblogging by searching a blog search engine such as Technorati for "catblogging."

You can also find a roundup of catblogging posts at The Friday Ark, located at The Modulator blog.

Then, when the weekend is nearly over, head over to The Carnival of the Cats for more kitty goodness.

There's also Flickr Groups called Furry Friday and Friday Catblogging.

Anybody I miss?


Rating: 2.4/5 (30 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Friday Cat-Blogging
December 28, 2006
Why did they stop?
Posted by Laurence Simon at 10:52 PM | Email This

James Brown lies in state at the Apollo.
Gerald Ford will lie in state pretty much everywhere for the next few days.
Cindy Sheehan lies... well... in the middle of the road?

Peace activist Cindy Sheehan and four other protesters were arrested today for blocking a road near President Bush's ranch, authorities said, snagging Vice President Dick Cheney's motorcade in the backup.

Sheehan and the others lay or sat in the road about 20 minutes and didn't heed requests to move, Texas Department of Public Safety Lt. R.T. King said.

"They weren't going unless they were arrested," King told The Associated Press. He said Cheney's motorcade was among the vehicles delayed by the demonstration.

I guess she needs to change her name to Cindy Speedbump.

Rating: 2.2/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (18)
It's time for a new game...
Posted by Laurence Simon at 06:58 PM | Email This

Let's just test your current events knowledge, shall we?

Who is the scummier lawyer?
Ramsay Clark
Mike Nifong
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Remember, you can only vote once... just like all the retards who voted Mike Nifong back into office earlier this year!

Rating: 2.8/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Heeb on the Hajj, Day 1
Posted by Laurence Simon at 02:01 PM | Email This

Well, folks, my posting's been a bit light recently because I've decided to go as a blogging embedded reporter on the annual Pligrimage To Mecca this year, or as they call it... the hajj. (Not to be mistaked with The Huuuuuuuuuudge)

First up, I've gotta tell you, these Saudis are lucky to have such great socialized medicine. And right there at the airport, too. Got run through all sorts of machines. Even though I couldn't understand what the doctors were saying, they sure checked me out pretty thoroughly. Twice! (The fact that they were dressed in security forces garb just means they've got a surplus of medical doctors, so they have to work at the airport... wow! What a country!)

Then there was the hotel... I'm so relieved not to have to open up the drawer and find a Bible there. Damn Gideons.

Instead, there was a microphone and a camera in the headboard. Even better quality stuff than the catcams I run back home.

These people sure know how to run security!

Anyway, here's a few photos from my trip so far:


Rating: 3.1/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (13)
December 27, 2006
They learned their lesson from Wellstone
Posted by Laurence Simon at 10:15 AM | Email This

It didn't take long for the Kos Kids to look at the "Only unelected president" part of wire copy covering Gerald Ford's death to start shrieking "Selected, Not Elected" about W.

The moonbats learned their lesson from the circus-like Wellstone funeral: don't show your true, hate-filled colors unless the election's over.

Rating: 2.4/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (10)
December 26, 2006
Get Your Star Wars Holiday Special - Fast!
Posted by Harvey at 08:08 PM | Email This

Go to YouTube and search for Star Wars Holiday Special. Someone currently has it loaded in 10 parts (see the "Related" section at the site for the other parts). You can download them via KeepVid, if you want.

Better hurry. Lucas has his stormtroopers looking for this stuff.

And while we're at it, let's not forget the Star Wars guys on The Muppet Show

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

No guarantee on how long those links will be good.

Rating: 2.7/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (12)
When is a widow not a widow?
Posted by Laurence Simon at 02:27 PM | Email This

Headline that should have been used: "Hynie Gets Tossed Out On Her Ass.'

Rating: 2.3/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (2)
More than meets the eye...
Posted by Laurence Simon at 11:34 AM | Email This

AP: Transformer explodes near old uranium mine west of Denver

I hope it was Bumblebee. Man, was he annoying.

Rating: 2.8/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (4)
December 25, 2006
Simpsons Trivia: The Final Cut
Posted by Harvey at 05:21 PM | Email This

1) (T/F) Harveyville is the town right next to Springfield [seriously, it says Harveyville on the card]

2) What is the name of Patty & Selma's iguana?

3) Where do Bart(with his fake ID), Nelson, Martin, and Milhouse go for Spring Break?

4) What two children save Itchy & Scratchy studios?

NOTE: As mentioned in the introductory post, all the Simpsons Trivia questions came from the Simpsons Trivia Game. Well, I've gone through ALL the cards now, so the game is over.

So... who's the winner?

YOU!... Because you don't have to put up with Simpsons Trivia posts any more.

Unless you actually LIKED the Simpsons Trivia posts, in which case their discontinuance means the terrorists have won.

Rating: 2.2/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (14) | Simpsons Trivia
Hairy Friskmas
Posted by Laurence Simon at 11:23 AM | Email This

Nardo got his stocking...

Suggestion: Don't try to take it away from him.

Rating: 2.4/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (6)
December 24, 2006
Waiting for Santa Claus
Posted by Laurence Simon at 09:42 PM | Email This

For those of you waiting for Santa Claus to fly over your town, um, I'm sorry but he's not coming.

He flew low over Southern Lebanon, the French anti-aircraft batteries assigned to UNIFIL mistook him for an IAF warplane, and they shot him down.

If it's any consolation, Dasher the reindeer survived...


Rating: 1.9/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Carnival of the Cats #144
Posted by Laurence Simon at 08:28 PM | Email This

Welcome to the 144th edition of The Carnival of the Cats.

If you need a reminder what this is all about:

The Carnival of the Cats is a weekly roundup of cat-related posts on weblogs. Its purpose is to provide a non-political respite from the vehement echo chamber that the Blogopshere spins itself into during the week, demonstrating that even the mightiest and meekest of pundits have a love of cats in common.

It just happens to be Christmas Eve, and despite everyone's attempts to cheer me up, I'm just not feeling it this year.

I got holiday collars for all the cats...

But I didn't expect to end up with an extra.

Still, let's move on, and when I bum you out, just keep clicking on the catblogging links to let me mope and groan in the corner for a bit, okay?


Rating: 2.7/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (5)
IMAO Podcast Christmas Story
Posted by Laurence Simon at 06:17 PM | Email This

Remember last year when we didn't have anything prepared for Christmas, so it was left up to the Token Jew to slap something together for the Christmas Special?

Ha ha ha ha... it kinda happened again.

This time around, I hoodwinked the group into putting together a 100 word story for my Weekly Challenge.

Harvey is the narrator.
Frank and Sarah play the part of the Loving Couple.
Right Wing Duck is their adorable child.
Spacemonkey is Santa.
(And Laurence Simon was the thud.)

This crowning achievement is the result.

Merry Christmas to everyone.

Rating: 2.4/5 (25 votes cast)

Comments (1) | Aqua-Adventures
Merry Christmas!
Posted by Frank J. at 03:58 PM | Email This

Well, not today... tomorrow. But I figure I'll be too busy tomorrow to post, so I'd say it today.

Anyhoo, I feel I've let you guys down since I didn't write a Kofi Annan farewell In My World™ last week like I wanted, but Christmas season ended up being too busy. I'll get him in the new year.

So, everyone have a great Christmas (and expect an IMAO Christmas surprise) and get ready for IMAO '07 which will be the best IMAO ever (totally guaranteed)!

Be merry, ronin.

Rating: 2.4/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 11:54 AM | Email This


1) (T/F) Fusion Dude is Radioactive Man's boy sidekick

2) Which character died by getting hit with T-shirts

3) In "You Only Move Twice", which bridge does Hank Scorpio destroy?

4) According to the Springfield town charter, who gets food that falls to the ground?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.8/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (4) | Simpsons Trivia
Instead of calling him Ahhhh nuhld...
Posted by Laurence Simon at 12:56 AM | Email This

... call him OW! nuhld.

Rating: 2.4/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (3)
December 23, 2006
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 02:25 PM | Email This


1) What famous movie and television star did Selma marry?

2) Which Simpson quit when they had their own variety show?

3) What is Jimbo Jones' real first name?

4) What brand of high-priced suit does Marge buy at a discount fashion store?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.3/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Simpsons Trivia
December 22, 2006
While We're Putting People Back Into Holidays
Posted by spacemonkey at 03:12 PM | Email This



Rating: 1.9/5 (26 votes cast)

Comments (17) | ignis fatuous
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 10:31 AM | Email This


1) (T/F) Milhouse is Bart's best friend

2) What is Homer's middle name?

3) What color is the Simpson's matching refrigerator and stove?

4) What band played the Simpsons theme in "Homerpalooza"?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.9/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Simpsons Trivia
What is Mahmoud Abbas Praying For? #17
Posted by Laurence Simon at 10:29 AM | Email This

It's Friday, so you know it's time for the wire services to post the non sequitur non-news story of Mahmoud Abbas praying at a mosque.

However, this week's different... this week we're going to start a new feature called:


So, from Mahmoud Abbas' expressions, can you tell what Mahmoud Abbas is praying for?

Is it:

a) Saeb Erekat to give him his glasses back.

b) Okay, he's got them back. How about a headquarters in a hollowed-out volcano... preferrably one not surrounded by Jews!

c) His acne to clear up.

d) New shoes. Like... um... Air Jordanians.



Put your guesses in the comments.

Rating: 1.6/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (16)
Friday Catblogging
Posted by Laurence Simon at 10:12 AM | Email This

Since it's Friday, I thought I'd spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka "I-MEOW").

While all the other IMAOers have visions of sugarplums dancing i ntheir heads, I didn't drink the Peytoe and Peppermint blend "tea" that Rightwingduck got from his cousins, so I'm Friday Catblogging

Anyway, it's time for Nardo the Doubter:

If you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Nardo is... um...

Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.

You can find more examples of Friday catblogging by searching a blog search engine such as Technorati for "catblogging."

You can also find a roundup of catblogging posts at The Friday Ark, located at The Modulator blog.

Then, when the weekend is nearly over, head over to The Carnival of the Cats for more kitty goodness.

There's also Flickr Groups called Furry Friday and Friday Catblogging.

Anybody I miss?


Rating: 2.7/5 (36 votes cast)

Comments (7) | Friday Cat-Blogging
December 21, 2006
Report: Queen of Infidels to retain crown . . .
Posted by Frank J. at 09:55 PM | Email This


AP (ORLANDO) -- In a moment of television drama filled with redemptive tears, a tough-talking Donald Trump turned soft and decided to forgive SarahK, who has recently come under criticism for frequenting bagel shops even though she has celiac disease. "I've always been a believer in second chances," said Trump, who owns the Queen of Infidels Organization with the Al Jazeera television network. Trump met with SarahK earlier Tuesday morning fully expecting to fire her, he said. But he walked away convinced the young woman was a "good person" with a "good, gluten-free heart." "She left a small town in Texas and she was telling me that she got caught up in the whirlwind of the Space Coast," Trump said at a news conference. "It's a story that has happened many times before to many women and many men who came to The City Beautiful." SarahK won the title in April and since then she has partied hard, admitting she frequents bakeries and cookie kiosks. She admitted she has been nursing a bakers-dozen-a-day habit since being exposed to Mrs. Baird's Bakery at the age of 3.

Rating: 1.8/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (13)
A DUer Explains BDS
Posted by Frank J. at 11:40 AM | Email This

I frequently check DU out of a morbid curiosity, and it seems like there's actually getting to be more reason on display there now. In a post about Iran, one said this in reference for apologizers for Ahmadinejad and civil rights abuses in Iran:

To a few on DU, you are either with us or against us. You agree with everything they say or you're with Bush. You never have anything to say negative about any other country because we have Bush (apparently Bush being president means every single last American has lost not only all moral authority but also the right to point out wrong-doings in other places around the world). If you say that negative thing about that country anyway, you are a freeper infiltrating DU and thus you believe Bush is the best thing ever and you want to bomb their land back to the proverbial stone age.

Maybe because the Democrats finally won an election, sanity will start to spread. One would hope the abuses of Iran would always be something liberals and conservatives could unite against.

Rating: 2.3/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (10)
The Sue
Posted by Laurence Simon at 10:35 AM | Email This

Donald Trump has decided that the most lucrative real estate on the planet is Rosie O'Donnell's mouth:

Rosie O'Donnell had some fiery words for Donald Trump on The View Wednesday morning, calling him a "snake-oil salesman" following his announcement that he would not fire troubled Miss USA Tara Conner.

After hearing about her comments, Trump fired back to PEOPLE, calling her "a woman out of control" and saying he planned to sue O'Donnell over her statements questioning his financial well-being.

"You can't make false statements," Trump tells PEOPLE exclusively. "Rosie will rue the words she said. I'll most likely sue her for making those false statements – and it'll be fun. Rosie's a loser. A real loser. I look forward to taking lots of money from my nice fat little Rosie."

No disclosure of how much he's suing her for?

I guess we have to wait to find out how much Rosie is worth in terms dollars of square foot in her mouth.

Rating: 2.6/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (13)
Commonly Heard on Political Talk Shows
Posted by Frank J. at 10:17 AM | Email This

"This is just more of the same from the traitorous Democrat Party and their--"

"That's completely out of line! it's Democratic. Democratic!"

Rating: 2.7/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (11)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 09:56 AM | Email This


1) (T/F) A bird house was in the Christmas tree Homer stole for his family

2) What is the name of Bart's favorite science-fiction/horror film series?

3) When Homer bet on Santa's Little Helper at the dog races, which dog actually won?

4) In Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire", who is Barney's date at the dog races?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.3/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (4) | Simpsons Trivia
Young Turkmens... breathe free... tonight
Posted by Laurence Simon at 09:21 AM | Email This

Blogging will be light today in respect for the demise of the Turkenistan president.

A terse report from state television said Niyazov died early Thursday of heart failure and showed a black-framed portrait of the man who had ordered citizens to refer to him as "Turkmenbashi" — the Father of All Turkmen. An announcer in a dark suit read a list of Niyazov's accomplishments.

If you recall, the August 29, 2005 episode of the IMAO Podcast mocked this guy for calling SarahK a corrupting influence. (Yes, the jingle during my almost-threat to kill Jesus again was Piper's collar)

And thus, the term Turkmenbashibashing was born.

Regular blogging will resume tomorrow, because Saparmurat Niyazov would have commanded it that way under pain of extremely painful death (with a side of death and a local coleslaw-like dish that is quite painful to those not used to the intestinal bloating that often results from eating it).

Rating: 2.2/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (7)
December 20, 2006
Sixth Day Caption Contest
Posted by Laurence Simon at 02:51 PM | Email This

This photo was so disturbing on so many levels, I just had to open it up as a caption contest...

Put your best captions in the comments.

(By the way, follow the link. I don't know which is more disturbing... the caption or the related story.)

Rating: 2.2/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (29)
Phrase of the Day
Posted by Laurence Simon at 02:36 PM | Email This

"If the book don't print, sue for a mint."


Rating: 2.2/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (1)
Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.
Posted by Laurence Simon at 01:41 PM | Email This

Apparently, Polish lawmakers have way too much time on their hands.

Lawmakers have drawn up a resolution naming Jesus Christ as the honorary king of Poland, but have failed to win support from the country's powerful Roman Catholic church.

Lawmakers for the ruling Law and Justice party and League of Polish Families as well as the opposition Peasants Party back the resolution, said Szymon Ruman, spokesman for parliamentary speaker Marek Jurek.

However, the proposal currently has the support of only 46 members in the 460-seat parliament, well short of the necessary 231 votes to pass. Ruman said the resolution would likely be voted on sometime after Jan. 1.

"Let parliament deal with passing better laws that we need," Gdansk Archbishop Tadeusz Goclowski said.

Of course, this is the country that has to put the recipe for ice cubes in its Constitution to keep from forgetting it.

Rating: 2.6/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (23)
How About We Keep the "Ick" and Drop the "Democrat"
Posted by Frank J. at 12:51 PM | Email This

Did I miss something? Did we lose the last election but successfully turned the word "Democrat" into a slur? I see more and more liberals whining about people like Rush Limbaugh using "Democrat" as an adjective for a Democrat instead of "Democratic" (one example) because - I'm guessing - "Democrat" is now a huge slur against someone. If, on a political talk show, one of the guests is described as a Democrat, he'll storm off the stage because of the huge offense.

Question: Are the ones complaining about Democrats being called Democrats the same ones who call Republicans "Repugs" or "Rethugs"?

Also, does whining about Democrats being called Democrats mean that liberals have completely run out of things to whine about?

Really, if I want to insult Democrats, I have much worse things to call them than "Democrats."

Well, somewhat worse things.

Rating: 2.3/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (24)
Ask Dr. Duck: The Christmas Edition
Posted by RightWingDuck at 11:24 AM | Email This

The holiday season is here and I'm sure many of you are stressing out over finding just the right gifts. (Hint: Dr. Duck always prefers cash.)

Well, never fear, Dr. Duck is here to provide the one thing you need most in life - answers.

That's right. I've got answers coming out my ears. My doctors said that they would heal up nicely in the next few days, but in the meantime, you can take advantage of those answers.

So what's on your mind?

Holidays? Christmas? Hannaka? Kwanzaa?

Dr. Duck is here and ready to help. The answers are free *.

* Disclaimer: Initial out the door price is $249.00 before rebates.Free after $100 almost instant rebate, $100 mail in rebate, $40 Email in rebate, and $9 Buy Frank's Stupid Book Bundle Rebate. See - it's really FREE!! I know i've written about this before but why do I have to get REBATES to save money? What if they said, "Dr. Duck, that will be $249.00 please." And I said, "Sure, here my $10 this is the before Rebates from ME. I'll pay ten bucks now and later, you'll get the rest of your money, thereby completing the transaction. Keep this receipt/IOU because you'll get your money in 6 to 8 weeks." Sure, they'd have a cow, but if I have to wait six weeks for MY money, i'm supposed to be GRATEFUL? SCREW YOU!

Oh, and Merry Christmas.

Rating: 2.2/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (16)
Posted by Harvey at 09:25 AM | Email This


1) (T/F) Moe hides Panda bears and a whale in his back room

2) (T/F) In "Secrets of a Successful Marriage", Marge kicks Homer out of the house for dancing with an exotic dancer

3) When Abe whisks Marge's mom away from her wedding, it's a parody of what film?

4) In "Lady Bouvier's Lover", what does Bart buy from the Impulse Buying Network?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.7/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (7) | Simpsons Trivia
December 19, 2006
if you can only buy one book this x-mas . . .
Posted by Frank J. at 07:36 PM | Email This

. . . make sure you get this one:


it just came out, and i'm through the first few chapters, and it is great -- yes, you can get most of the content over at www.lifehacker.com (the only website I read every day), but i really like the book form -- lots of tips for the productivity challenged technogeek-- it's only $16.49 at amazon

if you can only buy two books, also get: Ready for Anything: 52 Productivity Principles for Work and Life by David Allen

[I refuse to endorse Frank's book until he sends me a free copy--I'm drawing a line in the sand! ; ) ]

Rating: 2.2/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Doing the Work Arrested Illegal Immigrants Won't Do
Posted by Frank J. at 05:33 PM | Email This

261 illegal immigrants working at a meat packing plant were arrested, and now numerous unemployed Americans are applying for the jobs.

Uh-oh; a story like this really sucks for one side of the illegal immigration debate. Someone better make sure it doesn't get legs.

(hat tip Conservative Grapevine)

Rating: 2.6/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (7)
IMAO Exclusive: Correction to Time's "Person of the Year"
Posted by spacemonkey at 04:35 PM | Email This

Time has corrected the erroneous 'Person of the Year" story and fake cover with the following.


Time knew 'ewe' would link to it, since Time thought it could convince 'ewe' that 'ewe' were somehow more than a nobody. Ewe who linked proved them correct because ewe sheeple are a bunch of suckers.

-Thanks to Cadet Happy for help with the graphic.

Rating: 2.3/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Patriot Xeno Now Extra Patriotic!
Posted by Frank J. at 04:06 PM | Email This

Congratulations goes to Patriot Xeno who was in the same OCS class as my brother and is also now an officer in the Marines. He also wins the "Become An Officer in the Marines and Get a Free Copy of My Book" contest.

Of course, being an officer in the military will hamper his blogging since he now has limits on his political speech. Then again, he gets to kill people.

God speed to him and my brother, as it's only beginning for them.

Rating: 2.8/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (3)
This Settles It
Posted by Frank J. at 03:00 PM | Email This

According to The Washington Times, my editorial about killing all Arab children was a satire... or at least "satirical." If the MSM says so, I don't want some little pajamas-wearing blogger to declare otherwise.

And kudos to the Times for mentioning the book. The whole point of this was to get the book mentioned, something CAIR failed to do.

(hat tip to reader Keith)

Rating: 2.6/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (14)
Oh great. Now Frank will blame everything on the Jewish Cabal.
Posted by Laurence Simon at 01:48 PM | Email This

Judith Regan, the ex-publisher who thought it would be a great idea to pay a murderer millions of dollars in advance for a book "confessing" to his murders, apparently thought that the problems she was having were all the fault of...

“‘Of all people, the Jews should know about ganging up, finding common enemies and telling the big lie,’” Ms. Regan said, according to the notes Mr. Jackson made as the conversation unfolded; the notes were provided by Gary Ginsberg, an executive vice president of News Corporation.

According to the notes, Ms. Regan then said that the literary agent Esther Newberg; HarperCollins’ executive editor, David Hirshey; HarperCollins’ president, Jane Friedman; and Mr. Jackson “constitute a Jewish cabal against her.”

That's right. A Jewish Cabal.

Or was it?

A lawyer for Ms. Regan, Bert Fields, denied Monday that she had said there was a “Jewish cabal against her,” saying that she had used only the word “cabal” in the conversation, and that was done in response to Mr. Jackson’s using the word in a question to her. But Mr. Fields acknowledged that during the heated conversation by phone last Friday, she had made some version of the first statement, drawing attention to the fact that her boss and others involved in the controversy over the aborted O. J. Simpson project were Jewish.

So it was just a cabal... an ordinary, run-of-the-mill, everyday cabal that you'd find most anywhere, like at a dice game in the alley or swiping tables from sidewalk cafes.

Not that there's anything wrong with accusing a group of Jews stopping you from paying a murderer millions of dollars in advance to write a book "confessing" to his murders, mind you.

After all, her hired legal representative doesn't think so, right?

He denied, though, that this reflected any anti-Semitism. “There is nothing insulting to Jewish people in saying that Jews should particularly understand what it is to be victims of the big lie,” Mr. Fields said. “They were looking for an excuse to fire her, and they fired her, and called it anti-Semitic. It ain’t anti-Semitic.”

So calling a group of Jews stopping you from paying a murder millions of dollars in advance to write a book "confessing" to his murders isn't anti-Semitic?

I guess then it's anti-Semitic if you actually call them a Jewish cabal out-and-out, right?

And, Mr. Fields said, even if she had said “Jewish cabal,” that would not have been anti-Semitic. “I want to make it clear that had she said it, even that is not an anti-Semitic remark,” he said. “Had she said it, I wouldn’t be offended, as a Jew.”

Well, I'm glad that's settled to your satisfaction, Chief Rabbi Fields. Let's go ahead and just shut down the ADL and Museum of Tolerance now that we've set the bar so low based on your wisdom.

Me, I'm so glad that sheeny shyster isn't disturbed by the term "Jewish Cabal" or other formerly anti-Semitic slurs. Now people like him can join the rest of us in focusing on sniffing for gold with our gigantic schnozz, stealing Arab babies to drain them for their blood, and inventing crack and AIDS to thin out the black population.

Of course, now that "Jewish Cabal" isn't considered an anti-Semitic term, we're going to be hearing a whole lot more of it, and we'd better be prepared for it.

I mean, just around here, I keep hearing "That dumb Jewish cabal keeps sneaking gluten in my food" and "I wish that Jewish cabal would stop using up our bandwidth quota" and "Oh, great... we're stuck watching the Dolphins... who programs this schedule, a Jewish cabal?" or "Why am I having to publish my great book through NTM Publishing... is a Jewish cabal keeping me from talking to the big-time publishing houses?"

Now if only we could free up that n-word the blacks stole from us. (We Jews invented that one, too, you know. Should have never let the trademark expire on that thing.)

Rating: 2.6/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (10)
"Frank J., Stop Making Fun of the Retarded Kids!"
Posted by Frank J. at 12:53 PM | Email This

Someone should pass on my previous post to those monkeys pounding away at typewriters at Pandagon to see if can write a few thousand pages on whether it's Swiftian satire or further proof I want to kill all Muslim children.

BTW, I think one could live a thousand life times and still not have enough time to properly ridicule Jimmy Carter.

Rating: 2.0/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (7)
Originally, the Foreword Was to Be Written by David Duke, But He Didn't Want to Be Associated with Such a Loser
Posted by Frank J. at 12:47 PM | Email This

A lot of people like me who defended Mel Gibson when The Passion of the Christ and answered charges of anti-Semetism against him with, "That's simply propaganda of the dirty joooos!" felt pretty foolish when we found out that Gibson really is an anti-Semite. With Jimmy Carter, it was a bit different. I always knew he was the human embodiment of failure and so dumb he should probably wear a helmet at all times, but I just didn't expect anti-Semite. He was just supposed to be that loveable moron we like to pick on, not evil. So, I am surprised to see him ranting about Jewish organization trying to keep him and his new book down and how "university campuses with high Jewish enrollment" (apparently his new bugaboo) won't let him speak.

So, do you think he actually researches the enrollment of colleges or just exclaims, "It must be because they're full of joooos!" when he's refused a speaking engagement?

I think the answer is pretty obvious.

Still, I should have seen the signs of Jimmy Carter being an anti-Semite even sooner. It ends up, the title of his book, Peace, Not Apartheid, comparing Palestinians murdering Jewish children to blacks being refused the vote in South Africa, was the least offensive of the titles he submitted. Just look at the ones that were rejected:


10. "If the Jews Really Want Peace, Why Won't They All Just Die?"

9. "Throw the Jew Down the Well So the Palestinians Can Be Free"

8. "Peace, Not Nazi-Jew Bastards"

7. "I Know How the Palestinians Feel Because I Was Attacked and Raped by a Jew Rabbit"

6. "The Sea Is the Jews' Actual Homeland and Why They Should All Should Return There by Pushing"

5. "The Jews Are Killing the Palestinians Just Like They Did Jesus"

4. "I'm Anti-Zionist, Not Anti-Semite, You Stupid Jew"

3. "There Would Be Peace in the Middle East if It Weren't for University Campuses with High Jewish Enrollment"

2. "Buy This Book Before the Jews Steal All Your Money!"

And the number one rejected title to Carter's book is...


Rating: 2.1/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Kofi's Love Nest
Posted by Laurence Simon at 10:04 AM | Email This

Dear Yasser,

Damn that Claudia Rosett!

She discovered our private little love-nest on Roosevelt Island!

When Mark Malloch Brown handed me the New York Sun this morning, I thought he was joking. "I only read the New York Times and The Guardian," I said.

"Read it," he said.

And I did... all those things she dug up...

At least she didn't uncover the crystal meth lab, the teenaged prostitute slave pens, and the mosque full of explosives.

Thank God I took your advice to put all the leases under "K Annan." I mean, Kojo or Kobina or Kuku or Koko or Kookla or Kringle or Kingfisher all could have signed that lease, for all they know.

Of course, taking your advice on investing in Gaza, that's another story. I swear, I couldn't have wasted that money faster if I had burned it.

Disney built their new theme park in China, not Gaza, you old liar!

I guess that's why I love you so much, even if you're dead.

Anyway, I guess I'm going to have to give up our love-nest on Roosevelt Island now. Kobina's going to dismantle the ceiling mirrors and the camcorders and the hot tub so I can take them back to the Ghana goat-farm. Kobina insists on keeping the jelly-fist collection, though.

Then there's the matter of revenge against this Claudia vermin. At first, I wrote up a letter of condemnation, but that wasn't enough, so I had it translated into the five official languages of the organization before shredding all the copies.

I yelled for the commander of peacekeeping forces that I wanted to have her killed, or at least roughed up.

"Sorry," he said, "all of our best murderers, rapists, and thieves are already deployed in Haiti and Congo. We haven't one to spare."

"Not one?" I asked.

"Well, we do have a few left over that we were going to send to the Golan," he said.

"We can't spare those," I said. "I'd been planning a crime spree among the Jewish wineries there."

I'd drilled the thugs for the Golan myself - they were going to stomp the Jews and yell "Now you know how your oppression feels to the occupied grapes of this Islamic Holy Land!"

I think I'm just going to switch license plates with her and make her pay all the parking fines I've accumulated in the last twenty years.

When I last checked, she'll need to dig up the GDP of Finland to get her license back.


Rating: 2.4/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 09:08 AM | Email This


1) Who shot Mr. Burns?

2) In "Cape Feare", who wrote the note "I kill you scum" to Bart?

3) In "Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington", who is the Patriotism editor of Reading Digest?

4) The cat Snowball I was run over by what brand of car?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.0/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (7) | Simpsons Trivia
The J's: Wii Madness!
Posted by Frank J. at 08:28 AM | Email This

Click for full size.

Rating: 2.3/5 (43 votes cast)

Comments (38) | Frank the Artist
December 18, 2006
Thought of the Day
Posted by Laurence Simon at 06:52 PM | Email This

When the pallbearers carry Joe Barbera's coffin to the gravesite, will they pass the same headstone over and over again?

Rating: 2.4/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (11)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 04:43 PM | Email This


1) Who says "Are you ready to get Duffed?"

2) Who is forced to walk down the street with his pants around his ankles for all to see?

3) Which immigrant in Springfield actually got deported once?

4) According to Grampa, he had to use the word "dickety" because the Kaiser stole what word?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.4/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (6) | Simpsons Trivia
Watch Them Furrow the Brows of Their Dumb Monkey Faces as They Try and Understand Humor
Posted by Frank J. at 03:46 PM | Email This

If you want some hilarity, watch these pedantic idiots debate in the comments whether my piece about killing Arab children is officially satire (here and here). It makes you wonder if morons have ever seen any actual humor in their lives. Sure, they probably laugh like hyenas "laugh" when someone compares Bush to a chimp, but it's just beyond my imagination that people who spend so much time navel gazing about an absurd blog post are capable of an actual form of humor.

Here is basically Amanda of Pandagon's argument:

"When, in The Three Stooges, the rich man was hit in the face with a pie, that would only constitute actual satire if Moe threw the pie with the intention of condemning the idea of preemptive strikes, otherwise he really is for killing Muslim children."

These people are so clueless, I just want to grab them by the neck and shake them until they get some sense... or, at least, become unconscious. Just look how many comments they wrote over some of the dumbest and most obvious jokes. It even says on my post that the whole point of it was to try and generate controversy. Can I spell things out for people anymore than that? It's like these people are standing around watching a fish flop around on a beach while debating what nature of horse it is. Hello!

What fed the flames here is that Captain Ed compared me to Swift. I'm nothing like Swift, though, and I have no desire to be. Have you read "A Modest Proposal"? Sure, it's clever and smartly written, but it's not laugh out loud funny. Also, it's very long. See, I write dumb humor to make people with short attention spans laugh out loud, not smart satire that merits a few chuckles and get you to exclaim, "That was so marvelously clever!" In that way, I aim much more for The Three Stooges than Jonathan Swift (Full Disclosure: I don't recall having ever actually watched The Three Stooges, but my understanding is the program is not very cerebral. I did read "A Modest Proposal" back in my junior year of high school and remember being impressed by it if not particularly tickled). Thus, if you're missing the humor at IMAO, you're looking far too hard for it.

Or it's just not your cup of tea. Some people find Carrot Top funny, God bless 'em; we just don't all share the same sense of humor.

Well, so far my attempt to create controversy to promote my book has shut down one unrelated blogger and caused a bunch liberals to droll on endlessly about the nature of "satire." Considering what they might have been doing otherwise, we can consider the second one a plus.

Rating: 2.0/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (19)
Christmas Carnival of the Cats
Posted by Laurence Simon at 02:59 PM | Email This

Since I have nothing better to do on Christmas Eve than go out and destroy Nativity scenes and file lawsuits against the local government for putting up Christian holiday symbols without including corresponding Jewish holiday icons, the 144th Carnival of the Cats is heading overhere to IMAO on Christmas Eve 2006.

To join, just send your catblogging URL to submissions (at) carnivalofthecats.com or use The Carnival Submission Form.

The more cats participating, the less time I will have to spend with my Jewish friends and family with law degrees.

If you're really nice, I'll fire up some streaming video of the Yule Litterbox again.

Rating: 2.2/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (3)
If Muslims Want to Improve Their Image, More of Them Need to Be Violent
An Editorial by Frank J.
Posted by Frank J. at 01:17 PM | Email This

 Creating a controversy is hard. I've noticed that when people like Ann Coulter have a book out, they say something really controversial to get on TV. Thus, in my last editorial, I took the position that we should kill all Arab children in the hopes people would condemn me and thus I'd get free publicity for my new book.

 No one said a thing.

 But some other blogger simply quotes my editorial and he gets condemned by CAIR until he's shut down. Now CAIR is crowing about how they got rid of the guy who quoted me (they even have a screenshot of the offending post that got them in an uproar where 90% of it is an excerpt of my editorial), but they are completely ignoring me. They claim to be on the lookout for more "hate sites" in Florida, but here I am with my hate site. And it is a hate site because I hate CAIR. They're a bunch of little whiny goobers who make a big uproar anytime a Muslim is looked at funny but have nothing to say for the countless evils being perpetrated by Muslims all over the world as you read this.

"The violent idiots are always going to dominate the news even if they are a small percentage, so the obvious tactic is to gain positive coverage with more acts of violence."

 So, obviously, it's up to me to help Muslims in their PR crisis which is only made worse by the terrorists sympathizers at CAIR. The thing is, it's really not that hard to be liked in America, but it's all about actions. If the new chair for the House Intelligence Committee can't be bothered to know the difference between a Sunni and a Shiite, you can't expect the average America to actually study the intricacies of the Muslim faith to determine whether Islam really is a peaceful religion. Instead, we're going to judge Islam on what we see, and what we see right now are a bunch of violent morons happily stuck in the seventh century as they kill innocent people and each other and others whining about how people judge Muslims harshly because all the Muslims people see on TV are either violent morons or those whining about how people judge Muslims harshly.

 With that as the status quo, people are going to just naturally be suspicious of Muslims, and more whining about the situation will only make it worse. This situation will be easy to fix if Muslims just take my advice.

 First off, no whining. Ever. And I mean ever. It doesn't matter how horribly you've been treated, don't whine about it. Americans hate injustice, but we hate whiners even more. If you're Muslim and get interviewed about something, never talk about anything other than how much you hate terrorists:

REPORTER: Are you disturbed about the new airline regulations that all Muslims must now be handcuffed to their seats on all airline flights?

MUSLIM: Why are you asking me about something so insignificant as airline regulations when there are terrorists out there in need of killing? Why don't you trade that camera in for a rifle and shoot some terrorists yourself and stop being so useless?

 Currently, when an American sees a Muslim, he's likely to think, "Hey! He's either a terrorist or a whiner! I hope he gets treated horribly!" But, if Muslims take my advice, then Americans are likely to think, "That Muslim could be one of those guys I've seen on TV who really really hates Muslims. I should be nice to him." So, by not whining about bad treatment and focusing on Americans' real concerns, Muslims can get themselves better treatment.

 Of course, the biggest PR problem for Muslims are all those murderous 'tards and the murderous Muslim governments. Some say Muslims should be as peaceful as possible to combat this image, but that's really stupid. The violent idiots are always going to dominate the news even if they are a small percentage, so the obvious tactic is to gain positive coverage with more acts of violence.

 It's important to remember that Americans love violence... but not random violence to nice people. Look at this typical exchange you will often hear in America:

AMERICAN1: A man was beaten to death with a baseball bat!

AMERICAN2: That's horrible!

AMERICAN1: But the man beaten to death molested children.

AMERICAN2: Oh! Awesome!

 American love to see horrible violence perpetrated against bad people. Watch any action film and see what happens to the bad guy in the end; American are always disappointed by the end of a film if the bad guy isn't killed in some horrible way.

 Thus, Muslims can use violence to get Americans to like them. If numerous Muslims just killed terrorists with the furor they often kill Jewish children and woman who have been raped, people would say, "Hey! Those Muslims are awesome!" What Muslims really need to get on TV is the image of some guy being dragged out of a mosque and then ripped apart limb from limb. And, when reporters ask why, the perpetrators would say, "We found out this guy was planning to blow up a daycare center, so we murdered him until there was nothing left to murder!" If Americans saw that, they'd be like, "Wow! Those guys rock! I want to buy them all a round of beer!" If Palestinians bashed a couple guys heads in with rocks and we then found out the reason for that is because the murdered were planning to kill Jews, Americans would say, "Those Palestinians there have their heads on straight. They should get their own state... maybe Syria."

 It's that simple. If Muslims only ever talk about how much they hate terrorists and have numerous bloody spectacles of them killing terrorists, then it will become really cool to be a Muslim in America. Organization like CAIR that promote whining and sympathizing with terrorists only get people to be suspicious of Muslims, and it's really working. In fact, if you're Muslim, please don't e-mail me about this editorial because you scare me.

Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as "The Chronicles of Dubya Volume 1: The Defeat of Saddam" and "Violence Is Aerobic: How I Lost Fifty Pounds Beating Muggers to Death".

Rating: 2.2/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (19) | Editorials
Book Note
Posted by Frank J. at 09:17 AM | Email This

It's probably too late to order from NTM Publishing and get it by Christmas, so, if you really want it before then, you better order from a place like Amazon.com and get the express shipping. If not in a rush, we still have the lowest prices (and the only place to get a signed copy with money going to Spirit of America).

Rating: 2.7/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (10)
When People Don't Get Punched in Their Dumb Monkey Faces, This Happens
Posted by Frank J. at 08:35 AM | Email This

John Hawkins has the top 40 obnoxious quotes of 2006, and there are some doozies.

Then again, 2006 ain't over yet.

Rating: 1.9/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (10)
December 17, 2006
Cat Attack!
Posted by Frank J. at 09:09 PM | Email This

I was in the middle of making a special autograph in The Chronicles of Dubya book for Mary Katharine Ham (who is currently in the middle of the Espicopal Church breakup) when my stupid gray monkey cat freaked out for no reason and pounced the two of us. I hope MKH will appreciate that her book autograph will be the only one with an official cat claw mark of approval.

Rowdi never freaks out for no reason. Dogs only freak out for good reasons, such as an overturned trashcan across the street that she's never seen before.

Rating: 2.2/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Cooking with Bloggers
Posted by Frank J. at 07:48 PM | Email This

There's a new cookbook out with recipes taken from blogs (SarahK is big on recipe trading). It happens to include a forward by Glenn Reynolds, cover art by Cox & Forkum, and Glenn Reynolds's secret smoothie recipe (with some contribution by me in that area).

Check it out!

Rating: 2.2/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (1)
Fun Facts About South Dakota
Posted by Harvey at 04:54 PM | Email This

While the IMAO podcast is still MIA, I'm going to keep posting the latest uncut Fun Facts About The 50 States - hopefully on a weekly schedule.

(continued in extended entry)


Rating: 3.0/5 (26 votes cast)

Comments (4) | Fun Trivia
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 08:26 AM | Email This


1) (T/F) Big Bob is the name of the traffic reporter that flies in a helicopter

2) What kind of poster can be seen in Lisa's room?

3) In the weekly opening sequence, who's walking a little dog?

4) What hangs on the front of Rev. Lovejoy's pulpit?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.4/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Simpsons Trivia
December 16, 2006
War of the Words
Posted by Frank J. at 06:08 PM | Email This

Make sure to check out Lair's spoof of the Orson Welles War of the Worlds radio drama. He's in a competition at Podcast Pickle and his production (the writing, voice work, and sound mixing) totally rock the other entrants and yet he's losing in the voting right now. So also register and vote for his work. If he wins, you may get an IMAO podcast before the end of the year.

Support you local IMAO podcaster!

Go team Hellbender!

BTW, be smart like Lair's cat.

Rating: 2.2/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (2)
9/11 Conspiracy Theories: Too Crazy Even for Danny Bonaduce
Posted by Frank J. at 04:45 PM | Email This

Wow. I've never seen one of those moron truthers handled so adeptly... and by Danny Bonaduce of all people!

Really satisfying to watch, but there is a language warning (bleeped out though... plus Bonaduce gives the warning himself):

(via Hot Air)

Rating: 2.0/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (24)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 03:01 PM | Email This


1) Who is the school band instructor and music teacher?

2) What color is Ralph's belt buckle?

3) In the weekly opening sequence, what instruments are Sherri and Terri playing in the school band?

4) What did the Springfield Stadium used to be?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.8/5 (24 votes cast)

Comments (2) | Simpsons Trivia
CAIR Controversy Conclusion
Posted by Frank J. at 12:36 PM | Email This

The newspaper Hernando Today did a story on the Right Wing Howler being shut down by CAIR and includes a few quote from me about the editorial in question and CAIR. Seems to be a pretty balanced article and kudos to the reporter for doing some actual research on the subject (compare it to the article in the Hernando Times).

Also, Vilmar has a statement up where his site used to be announcing his retirement from blogging (planned before this incident) and asking people not to be to harsh on his service provider.

I'm not sure if there is some big lesson to learn from this. This site is hosted by Hosting Matters who hosts some of the most controversial blogs such as Little Green Footballs, so I'm not worried about something similar happening with this site. I guess my one worry would be someone selectively quoting IMAO in a news article without context, as that would make it pretty easy to make us look worse than Hitler. And we're not worse than Hitler. We're much nicer, really. Plus, we hate the German people and all their descendants.

Rating: 2.7/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (13)
in the dog house . . . AGAIN . . .
Posted by Frank J. at 08:37 AM | Email This


Rating: 2.5/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (15)
December 15, 2006
He Is a Leader of Men
Posted by Frank J. at 04:46 PM | Email This

Congratulations to my brother, Lt. Joe foo' the Marine. Today he received his commission and officially became an officer. May he be responsible for the death of many evil foreigners in his career.

Can I get an "Ooh-rah!"?

Rating: 2.6/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (41)
Further proof that Bush hates black people
Posted by Laurence Simon at 02:30 PM | Email This

Okay, so Kanye West stirred up a lot of controvery last year by saying that President Bush hates black people because of the response to Hurricane Katrina.

Well, folks. I hate to admit it, but he's right.

Here's the proof:

Not only is he trying to strangle blues legend BB King, but the man has the audacity to do it at a public ceremony!

And that goofy-assed look of stupefied bewildermenalism on his face? Oh. My. [Hebrew Deity]. It's like he's never strangled a man before. He's so bad at it, BB King is laughing at him.

Now if he had let Donald Rumsfeld do it, man, that guy is a pro at wasting guitarists. He could probably wipe out BB King, Eric Clapton, and David Gilmour before anybody would notice. (Especially not Pete Townshend)

But we all know what happened to Donald Rumsfeld... a human sacrifice on the Altar Of Pelosi.

I am not proud to be an American today.

Rating: 2.8/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (7)
Well wishes from IMAO
Posted by Laurence Simon at 01:51 PM | Email This

There's been an awful lot of talk about CAIR and blogs being shut down and IMAO being the root cause of one of those shutdowns blah de blah de blah. (I usually quit reading stuff after the first two paragraphs)

As Spacemonkey said, the R in CAIR stands for Relationship, so I'm having a hard time understanding how one can establish a relationship with someone by out-and-out shutting them down.

There's also been a lot of talk about "Throwing Lair under the train" and "All they want is the Jew" and "Empty his pockets before we hand him over" kind of stuff, but I know they're just kidding.

I mean, does this look like the kind of guy that would shut down a site over a silly little Jew?

By the way, IMAO would like to wish CAIR Publicity Affairs Director Ibrahim Hooper (pictured above) a swift recovery from what I'm going to assume is his recent head surgery. I mean, looking at the photo, you can't see any blood seeping through the bandages, so he must be recovering quickly already, right? Praise Allah!

See, folks? We're wishing him well. And we wish all of the members of CAIR well, no matter what malady or illness, mental or physical, they may be suffering from at the moment.

We are here for them. We're ready to provide a shoulder for them to lean on or cry upon.

Because that's how you build a positive and constructive relationship with people.

Together, we can build a better future.

Rating: 2.1/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Help Frank Not Get Murdered by SarahK
Posted by Frank J. at 12:29 PM | Email This

SarahK had been trying to locate a Wii to buy me as a Christmas present and we were avoiding those expensive bundles they sold online, but yesterday I was really dumb and ordered a bundle from Toys R' Us online with five games and some $40 starter pack I probably don't want (at least the whole thing was $50 cheaper than listed now when I ordered). By the time I realized how stupid and bad I was, it was too late to cancel the order. Anyone know my option on unloading the games I don't want since Toys R' Us isn't being cooperative. Like, can I return them without a receipt unopened to Wal-Mart for at least store credit so we can buy the food my reckless spending has denied us?

Stupid dumb bad Frank! The whole point of the book was to get us out of debt, but, no, you had to...

BTW, this has inspired me to do a new comic series I hope to premiere soon.

Rating: 3.0/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (24)
CAIR: Only Doing Half Their Job
Posted by spacemonkey at 12:24 PM | Email This

CAIR, the Council on American-Islamic Relations, has been doing much to promote the existence of a tender loving side of all Islamists everywhere. A side that YOU KNOW just wants to make us both a fresh cup of hot cocoa, with tiny marshmallows, and sit with us on the porch at night and listen to the gentle falling autumn rain all the while reminiscing about the humor of the popular but now defunct Calvin and Hobbes comic strip of days gone by. At times I get the feeling that an Islamist's violently protesting the mere existence of America in the streets of Damascus may just be a way of asking if we'd prefer a dash or nutmeg or cinnamon but seems to me, they (CAIR) are only doing half the job their name implies.

Sure, I could see CAIR acting like beheadings, behandings, stonings and honor killings are all just quaint little carryovers from a bygone era sort of like churning your own butter or using table manners. And maybe, I can see them portraying those sorts of behaviors as just a big ol' buncha hooey trumped up by the zionists and crusaders to make Islamists look barbaric The end result there is an obvious heartfelt effort to make Islamis look better in the eyes of Americans. But what about the other half of the RELATIONship (The 'R' in CAIR), What are they doing there?

Are they doing anything to promote Americans and their behavior among Islamists radical or otherwise? If so, I've not seen it. Did they make videos showing Abu Graib was just a big prison slumber party gone terribly awry? Not that I saw. Do the have news conferences saying how the the invasions of Afghanistan and Iraq are attempts to make the Islamic world a safer place so you can in the privacy or your own home to beat your wife (or wives) for showing some ankle in public? Nooooo! I've never seen that video either.

Do they show how blessing of plenty in America and ask does Allah allow wickedness to flourish and abound while many islamists live on diets of warm sand. Do they ever suggest maybe Allah likes us a little bit too or else he'd be smashing us into warm sand to feed the Islamists with? If so they've kept them hidden even from the New York Times.

To me it seems they only care (get it?) about making Americans look bad and Islamists look good. While I admire them for taking the harder task, still that's an all take and no give arrangement. Relationships like that are doomed. It's time to break up. Because CAIR, doesn't.

Rating: 2.2/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (7)
What is Mahmoud Abbas Praying For? #16
Posted by Laurence Simon at 12:14 PM | Email This

It's Friday, so you know it's time for the wire services to post the non sequitur non-news story of Mahmoud Abbas praying at a mosque.

However, this week's different... this week we're going to start a new feature called:


So, from Mahmoud Abbas' expressions, can you tell what Mahmoud Abbas is praying for?

Is it:

a) A shipment of some real "Head And Shoulders" instead of this cheap, UN-knockoff "Behead and Shoulder-Fired Missiles" camel-spunk

b) Atkns-friendly relief supplies. Having the tailors of his suits executed to cover his weight gain is backfiring... they're all moving back to Jordan.

c) Nobody to notice his rug. Now where did Arafat keep the clean tablecloths...

d) Head and Shoulders! Now!

e) Home Depot to build a franchise in Ramallah. Some wood paneling could cover up that ugly flag on the wall.

f) Dr. Rusty Shackleford to get a kitten for Christmas.

g) To be able to afford chairs. All this standing and bowing is killing his knees.

h) An aspirin for his knees.



Put your guesses in the comments.

Rating: 2.7/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (12)
Now I Have to Compete with Amazon.com
Posted by Frank J. at 11:12 AM | Email This

I noticed Barnes & Noble and Amazon.com (plus a few other sellers) suddenly have my book in stock. I was hoping to be exclusive until after Christmas, but buying direct from NTM Publishing is still cheapest (especially for multiple copies) plus it's the only place to get a signed copy with original hand-drawn Frank J. artwork with the extra money going to charity to support the troops.

Maybe it's time to start sending out those review copies. I have a great gift to go along with the book I'm sending Glenn Reynolds...

Anyhoo, order soon if you want it before Christmas or before CAIR decides to shut us down.

Rating: 2.5/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (3)
Quote IMAO, Get Shut Down by CAIR
Posted by Frank J. at 10:08 AM | Email This

A blogger (Right Wing Howler) quoted part of one of my editorials (adding a few remarks of his own), and the Council on American-Islamic Relations (you know, the terrorist support group) got his website account suspended. Here's a google cache of one of the relevant posts.

Man, I hope CAIR never follows the link, comes here, and finds out about Lair, because then we're totally screwed.

I'll try and investigate this one further...


Commentary on the shut down here. I'll see if I can get a response from Vilmar of Right Wing Howler.


Vilmar only had this to say:

I think it is pathetic. Much more than that I am not sure I should get into.


The Jawa Report calls for IMAO to be shut down... because of Lair!

I really should backup IMAO more often...

Rating: 2.1/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (12)
Friday Catblogging
Posted by Laurence Simon at 09:59 AM | Email This

Since it's Friday, I thought I'd spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka "I-MEOW").

While the other IMAO bloggers are putting up their Christmas trees and writing up Christmas cards and going Christmas shopping (even Harvey the Atheist), I'm left with the task of coming up with the funny because all I've got to do is make sure we've got enough oil to last 8 days.

Well ,that and making the chocolate coins last. That'll take a miracle, eh.

Anyway, it's time for Frisky the Cavekitty:

If you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Frisky is... um...

Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.

You can find more examples of Friday catblogging by searching a blog search engine such as Technorati for "catblogging."

You can also find a roundup of catblogging posts at The Friday Ark, located at The Modulator blog.

Then, when the weekend is nearly over, head over to The Carnival of the Cats for more kitty goodness.

There's also Flickr Groups called Furry Friday and Friday Catblogging.

Anybody I miss?


Rating: 2.4/5 (27 votes cast)

Comments (4) | Friday Cat-Blogging
Ching Chong
Posted by Frank J. at 09:51 AM | Email This

I've yet to weigh in on the Rosie O'Donnell mocking the Chinese controversy, so most of you probably don't know what to think about it. As you all know, I'm an avid View watcher and never miss an episode and have been trembling with excitement ever since Rosie was added to the cast. Thus, it probably won't come as a surprise that I fully support Rosie's decision to mock the Chinese language. Sometimes when I'm picking up Chinese food, the restaurant owners will talk to each other in Chinese and it really does sound like a bunch of "chings" and "chongs" peppered with a mention or two of Danny DeVito. I'm glad someone finally put those Chinese in their place because they think they're so great since they have all the General Tso's chicken. Well, you're not. And the only reason Rosie's imitation stung so much is because it was such a dead on impression.

Maybe it's time for the Chinese to take a moment to reflect and think about making their language less silly sounding.

Rating: 2.3/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (12)
Vote for Kim!
Posted by sarahk at 09:45 AM | Email This

I don't care so much about the Weblog Awards, and here's why: I'm never a finalist (actually, I might have been one year, I don't remember -- that's how much I don't care). That's right. It's because I am one of the best storytellers on the interwebs, and I never get my props. And in the Best Diarist category, I've heard of ONE of the nominees. I've actually never read Just*dot*Christina, but I hope she wins, just because I've actually heard of her. There, I said it. I don't care if I'm the only one thinking it, that's why I don't care about the Weblog Awards.

And seriously, IMAO is in the same category as one blog whose schtick is to post a picture on the blog then say, "That picture sucks! I hate the person in this picture! I'm so much better than everyone else! Lick my boots!" Um, ok, that's humor? Put it back in the culture or diarist category where it belongs. Humor? Whatever.

Anyway, my friend Kimmy from Ramble Strip is nominated in one of the Top Thousands categories. I fully endorse her and endorse your voting for her. Voting ends tonight, and then Lair and I can be happy again.


Rating: 1.7/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Signing Is Hard
Posted by Frank J. at 09:16 AM | Email This

It wouldn't be so hard except that I try to come up with something new and funny to put in each book (and so far been successful). That means that everyone who ordered a signed copy of my book gets original Frank J. humor that only he or she will ever get to see and then can lock that humor in a Frank J. humor vault and no one else in the world will ever get to know its joy.

Anyway, I'll try to apply my muse to other things than book signing today.

Rating: 2.7/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 08:41 AM | Email This


1) (T/F) Rex Banner comes to Springfield to rid the town of the Whiskey Wizard

2) What is the name of Kirk Van Houten's demo singing tape?

3) Who is Drederick Tatum's boxing manager?

4) Where do the Simpsons move to when Homer goes to work for Hank Scorpio?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.7/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (4) | Simpsons Trivia
December 14, 2006
Posted by Frank J. at 04:02 PM | Email This

Hugh Hewitt, going beyond the chickenhawk foolishness, wonders if it will be near impossible for a man to get elected in the future who didn't serve in the military today. I'd say that would be dependent on how the war is looked at in the future.

John Hawkins guest blogged at Tom DeLay's new blog. It seems like trolls primarily rule the comments there as I guess the site policy is to only toss the vulgar comments.

Rating: 2.5/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (3)
Like Laurence Says...
Posted by spacemonkey at 03:35 PM | Email This

We're big.

No one says Rush, who? Or has to link to his site anymore. You just...know. He's big. Like us.

Yessiree, Big. Battling Mothra big.

We've hit it and hit it Bigtime.

Rating: 2.7/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Big like us
Posted by Laurence Simon at 02:17 PM | Email This

Just like Strong Bad gets emails all the time asking him how he can type with boxing gloves on, I often get the same questions over and over, too.

For example, Hitler Cats and Stuff On My Cat links arrive in my mailbox at least once a day.

Or Cats In Sinks. That's popular.

It may not be the most common question, but I sure get a lot of notes from people telling me that my name was mentioned at Instapundit, but it wasn't linked.

*shrug* That's nice.

So, have you seen the site with the cats that look like Hitler?

You know, FrankJ told me that it happens to him a lot, too. Glenn will mention FrankJ but not link to him here, and people will point it out to him.

And then I realize... this isn't an oversight on Glenn's part. Nor is it a slight of our blogging efforts.

No, this is a case where it's not necessary to link FrankJ's name or my name anymore.

You see, we've made it. People know us by name alone. There's no need to distinguish us from other FrankJ's or Laurence Simons.

Unlike other people out there who still need their names linked by everyone refering to them, like Andrew Sullivan or Glenn Reynolds or Michelle Malkin, people don't ask "Who is that?" when our names come up in a blog or article.

Okay, so maybe there are a few people in the world who don't know who FrankJ and Laurence Simon are, but for them, there's Google.

Look up FrankJ in Google... FrankJ is the #1 FrankJ in the world!
Look up Laurence in Google... Laurence Simon is the #1 Laurence in the world!

Now look up Glenn... Andrew... are they the #1 Glenns and Andrews in the world? (Oh, just shut up about Michelle Malkin!)

As I said, people know who we are by name alone. And even the lefties who run Google, who would love nothing more than left-wing FrankJs and left-wing Laurences to drive us into searchengine obscurity, know that.

B List?
A List?
No, we're The List.

Think about it for a second. When you say Madonna or Sting or Paul McCartney or George Bush, do you link their name to their blog?

Of course not. Because they're big. Bigger than the bloggers who need their names linked.

Big like us, Frank. We're bigtime now.

Rating: 2.0/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (15)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 10:48 AM | Email This


1) (T/F) Uter is the name of the German Foreign exchange student

2) What Japanese company logo is the combination of a fish and a light bulb?

3) Who said, "Moon pies! What a time to be alive!"

4) Who gets stabbed to death at the beginning of "Treehouse of Horror VIII"?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.5/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (4) | Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 09:45 AM | Email This

My muse has left me. It's December and I usually slow down until the new year, but I was hoping for a few more funny posts before I head off for Christmas vacation at the end of next week. No news story has got my funny sense tingling, though.

Throw some stuff in the comments and I'll play off of you until I'm funny inspired. Or, go to Sadly, No! They're supposed to be funny.

Rating: 2.0/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (36)
Maybe I Can Get More Relevant Quotes for Volume 2
Posted by Frank J. at 08:42 AM | Email This

I added the image of the back cover of my book to its Amazon.com page so you can see the quotes from famous people (all real quotes) I use to show people who have never heard of me that I am actually very smart and funny.

As always, the book is currently available and shipping now if ordered from here.

Rating: 2.3/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (8)
December 13, 2006
Simon says Santa's getting a fatwah...
Posted by Laurence Simon at 07:17 PM | Email This

Ask Santa to draw a cartoon of Mohammed.

"Smack Cindy Sheehan"
"Get linked by Glenn Reynolds"
"Burn a koran"
"Give FrankJ a monkey"
"Convert to Islam"
"Nuke the moon"

Even More:
"Can I put up a menorah?"
"Do you miss Peter Boyle"
"Does Nancy Pelosi make you want to vomit?"
"Did you get your hand cut off in Mecca?"
"Would you do Courtney Love?"

Rating: 1.7/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (19)
I'm the Best!
Posted by Frank J. at 05:12 PM | Email This

Sorry not to blog much today, but I've been busy. Anyway, I'm still working on the new Best of IMAO 2006 (Hellbender excluded) category. Basically I've been tagging anything I think is still funny, thus putting all worthwhile posts from the last year into one place (so far I've gone through all my posts up until the end of June). I've told the other IMAO bloggers to look through their stuff and do the same (and they better do it! ::shakes fist::). Later, I'll work on the other years and then there will be a couple convient pages if you want to waste hours and hours reading all the funny stuff from IMAO.

Rating: 2.5/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (5)
And now, a public service announcement...
Posted by Laurence Simon at 04:41 PM | Email This

Strokes often lead to brain damage.

Rating: 2.6/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Is there going to be a Christmas episode of the IMAO Podcast?
Posted by Laurence Simon at 03:15 PM | Email This

Well, we all remember last year. FrankJ and SarahK were busy with their wedding plans and honeymoon and crap like that, so they left the Christmas Episode stuff up to the token Jew of the site.

The reviews were... um... mixed. I think "It didn't suck!" kinda sticks out among them all.

It's 2006, and once again, Frank and Sarah are busy with their new book and something to do with not eating gluten, so it's up to the token Jew to throw things together again.

"It doesn't suck!" is going to be so hard to top. Especially with my Podcat kinda... dead.

We'll see if we can pull things off. In fact, I'm sure this post will come as a surprise to a few of the IMAO bloggers/podcasters, even though I just sent out the mail an hour ago. (Check your email, Ducky! Harvey! Kevin! Monkey! Aquaman!)

In the meantime, if you really want to motivate me into get this thing wired down and produced in time for you to have audio of IMAO Podcasters dancing through your heads on Christmas Evem, why not check out my latest creation at Pickle Tales called "War Of The Worlds" ?

Remember - it's the Season Of Giving. And we Jews gave birth to Jesus on Christmas. We didn't kill him until right before Easter, okay? (And it's not like he stayed dead.)


Rating: 2.4/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (2)
I'll Say It.
Posted by spacemonkey at 02:15 PM | Email This

The fun is starting early. This is what the new face of intelligence will look like with the Loonies running the asylum in DC.
Background: Rep. Reyes is Pelosi's pick to head House Intelligence Committee

Source: RealClearPolitics

Toward the end of a 40 minute interview, Mr. Stein asked Rep. Reyes whether al Qaeda was comprised chiefly of Sunni Muslims, or Shiites. "Predominantly -- probably Shiite," he responded.

Congresscritter Reyes, you don't know Shiite from Sunni-ola.

Ok, I feel better.

Rating: 2.2/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (6)
If You Had to Pick: Sunni or Shiite?
Posted by Frank J. at 12:51 PM | Email This

I realize a lot of people don't know the difference between Sunnis and Shiites - I only have a vague understanding - so I'm going to do some research and make an FAQ on the subject. Dean Barnett did an FAQ yesterday, but he only focused on how those differences as they affect things today. I want to delve a bit deeper to give people a better understanding of the two sides because I know many of you are like "I wouldn't convert to Islam even if my life was threatened!" but is it a Sunni or a Shiite you're refusing to become? It would probably be helpful to know.

Rating: 2.9/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (17)
These people want to join the EU?
Posted by Laurence Simon at 11:13 AM | Email This

Turkey wants to join the European Union, but they continue to behave like... well, savages...

A group of Turkish aviation technicians were so happy to be rid of the last of a batch of troublesome planes that they sacrificed a camel on the tarmac of Istanbul's Ataturk International Airport.

In fact, there are a few Turks who realize that this behavior is not compatible with that of the European Union and its high standards of moral behavior:

"This is a grave incident. Is it compatible with the image of a modern Turkey, trying to enter the EU?," said opposition lawmaker Huseyin Guler on Wednesday.

I'm sure cultural elites among the French are aghast and disgusted at such barbaric behavior... why can't they just sacrifice cars and attack Jews like the civilized Muslims in France?

Rating: 2.7/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (13)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 08:14 AM | Email This


1) (T/F) Bart's soap box racer was named Li'l Pathfinder

2) What was Martin's soap box racer named?

3) According to Moe, he cheats at what game?

4) In "I Married Marge", what comes free with a Barnacle Bill's Home Pregnancy Test?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.7/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (4) | Simpsons Trivia
December 12, 2006
Book Talkback
Posted by Frank J. at 07:00 PM | Email This

I've seen a number of people have gotten Chronicles of Dubya by now, and I'd like to hear what you think of it since we worked hard on the book. Did you like the Glenn Reynold's quote on the back? Google it; it's real.

Also, when you're done reading, why don't you write a nice Amazon.com review. If you wrote a book, I'd write a review for you.

Rating: 2.7/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (29)
Will George Lucas pay 1.6 billion to buy out YouTube and shut them down just to get rid of this?
Posted by Laurence Simon at 06:51 PM | Email This

Here's my synoposis of this video:


The sad part is, there's a few braincells in my head that are actually nostalgic for this thing. I actually saw the thing when it aired.

Those braincells must die. Pass me the cordless drill.

Rating: 2.5/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Boy Beats Hawk - Hate Crime?
Posted by RightWingDuck at 04:52 PM | Email This

The Council to Restore Understanding and Tolerance Concerning Hawks (CRUTCH) issued a statement today condemning the actions of an 11 year old boy who viciously beat a Hawk who was allegedly trying to eat the boy’s puppy.
“We are concerned about the actions of this young boy and the history of hatred of hawks and violence towards those hawks” , commented Tsai Khosis, the CRUTCH regional director.

“Hawks are peaceful creatures with no history of scooping up field mice and making off with them. When you compare actual histories, you’d be more accurate to try to catch Bunny Foo Foos who not only scoop up field mice, but bop them on the head.”

The young man claims, “I don’t care what CRUTCH says, my puppy was in danger and I had to take action. I can’t look away and wait for somebody to come and rescue my puppy.”

The young man has come under scrutiny as investigators look at the boy-on-hawk violence to determine if this is a potential hate crime. IMAO will be on this story and will share any updates as they become available.

Rating: 2.3/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (17) | Newsish Fakery
Posted by Frank J. at 01:05 PM | Email This

John Hawkins has an interview with new blogger Tom DeLay. Will he ask the tough questions?

Rich Lowry makes it look like Jimmy Carter and Mel Gibson should be close friends. Did you know the Israelis are persecuting Christians now just like they did with Jesus? So says Jimmah!

Pelosi's choice for head of the Intelligence Committee couldn't even answer correctly whether al Qaeda is Sunni or Shiite. And people wonder why we don't take the Democrats seriously on international affairs. I mean, I knew that one easy I just write a sucky humor blog. (hat tip to reader Sean)

Rating: 3.0/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Why I'm giving Frank and Sarah a variety of marinades for the baby shower...
Posted by Laurence Simon at 11:24 AM | Email This

Apparently, pit bulls have a taste for human flesh, so why not get a gift for both the baby and Rowdi, right?

A puppy chewed off four of a baby girl's toes next to her sleeping parents, who were then booked on charges of child desertion and criminal negligence, police said Monday.

Mary Shannon Hansche, 22, and Christopher Wayne Hansche, 26, told police they woke to the baby's cries, found her mangled foot and took her to the hospital early Sunday.

Police said that they were sleeping on a mattress and that the month-old girl was in an infant seat beside them when the 6-week-old pit bull began chewing on her toes.

"They did not see the dog injuring the child," police spokesman Mark Natale said.

This little piggy went inside the pit bull...
This little piggy also went inside the pit bull...
This little piggy... sure, it also went inside the pit bull...
This little piggy went into a mosque and... ha ha, just kidding... inside the pit bull...

Okay, seriously - here's the best part:

The puppy might have been trying to nurse on the toes of the baby, a veterinarian speculated.

"I know that sounds a little far-fetched, but that's the first thing that comes to my mind," Michael Dale said.

The first thing that came to mind when I read the story was "Baby needs a new pair of shoes."

But then, I'm a sick bastard.

Rating: 2.6/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (14)
Yes, Barak, It's Because of Your Skin Color
Posted by Harvey at 11:06 AM | Email This

Regarding the following statement by Barak Obama:

As to whether America is ready for a black president, he seems unfazed.

He acknowledges that there are people who will not vote for him because of the colour of his skin, but as he points out, the same people would probably not vote for him because of his politics.

He's right.

I hate his politics. He's just another limosine-liberal socialist pig. But the REAL reason I wouldn't vote for him is because of his skin color.

It's not dark enough.

I just don't trust those high yellows.

If I were to vote for a Negro, I'd want him to be the glossy black of hand-polished ebony. But I suppose I might be able to put up with a single-cream-in-a-large-coffee shade of politician.


Condi Rice - yes

Colin Powell - no

Morgan Freeman - yes

O.J. Simpson - depends whether he was most recently on the cover of Time or Newsweek.

So if you're a so-called "black" man trying to get my endorsement for your presidential aspirations, remember one thing:

at least this brown.jpg

[Hat tip: Yeah, Right, Whatever]

Rating: 2.5/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (20)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 10:57 AM | Email This


1) (T/F) Former President George Bush of the United States moved across the street from the Simpsons

2) What's the name of Springfield's Italian chef?

3) At what store did Bart get caught for shoplifting a video game?

4) Who caught Bart shoplifting a video game?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.4/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (4) | Simpsons Trivia
Jimmy Carter Should Be Pushed into the Sea
Posted by Frank J. at 10:32 AM | Email This

I was thinking what should we do with the problem of Jimmy Carter, the human embodiment of failure. He has occupied the title of President since the 70's and has diminished said title ever since. We cannot coexist with this disgrace to the great nation of the United States of America. He must be pushed into the sea and then never spoken of again.

Rating: 3.3/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (17)
There's a sickening conference of hatred going on in the world right now...
Posted by Laurence Simon at 09:38 AM | Email This

Since the Iranians are holding a conference questioning the Holocaust, but I guess that's only fair since they're only just countering the world-famous Conference of Mohammed Denial going on in Tel Aviv right now.

Haven't heard about it?

Well, of course not. Jews control the media, right, Mel Gibson?

The organizers claim that this conference is being held because there's so much anti-Muslim sentiment out there, and there's no better solution to Islamophobia that getting the truth out about the solid foundations underneath today's Religion Of Peace, right?

But in reality, it's just a racist, Islam-denying group of haters and propagandists looking to generate anti-Muslim sentiment among government figures and hard-right Christian pro-Zionist agistators looking to wipe every member of the Arab League and OIC off of the map.

A careful examination of the agenda reveals the sick underbelly of these creatures:

  • Did Mohammed actually happen, or was he some kind of articulated mannequin made from various readily-available materials such as wood scraps and meat byproducts?

  • Did Mohammed happen to the extent claimed by historians, or was it just an excuse used by Muslims to steal Christian holy land?

  • Did Mohammed actually hear revelations from the Angel Gabriel, or was he just nuts?

  • Did Mohammed actually rape and then marry Aisha, or was he actually a homosexual that would never rape and marry a female child?

These pretty much cover all the major issues that Mohammed-deniers constantly bring up today. Sure, they say that they are coming up with well-researched answers on each controvery regarding Mohammed, wishing to finally put the endless debates to rest, but these so-called academics and religious figures attending the conference are nothing more than deranged psychopaths looking for an excuse to continue their endless crusage against the Islamic world.

They may say that questioning aspects of Mohammed is not meant to diminish his influence over civilization today, but we know the truth. They aren't treating the subject matter with the same intellectual curiosity that participants in the Iranian conference on the Holocaust are doing with that (alleged) historical event, completely absent of genocidal rhetoric and hatred, and they should be ashamed

What shacks me to the core are the photos of a fringe group of imams attending the conference who deny the divine nature of Mohammed, deny the legitimacy of every Islamic state and institution, and feel that any talk of the caliphate by any means other than Allah's direct intervention is just an excuse of dreams of Islamic conquest. These self-loathing Muslims, oh how they make me sick!

Oh, worst of all was their contest to come up with a logo for the conference. I mean, come on... did they really need to go looking for more cartoons?

Oh well. Hopefully, the conference will end without incident, and there won't be any reports of six rabbis working together to do a dry-run of a repeat of 9/11.

Rating: 2.4/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (8)
In Case You Missed It
Posted by Frank J. at 09:15 AM | Email This

Over the weekend, Lair had a hilarious video on a new menace this Christmas season. Also, I had my own video of the shuttle night launch.

Rating: 2.6/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (1)
December 11, 2006
Yay! Another Straw Poll!
Posted by Frank J. at 04:45 PM | Email This

Vote away. I think this will get more interesting as we learn more about the candidates, though. Maybe I should try and interview some since I now have political interviewing skillz.

Rating: 2.7/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (11)
Dumb People Approach with Caution
Posted by Frank J. at 04:11 PM | Email This

Suddenly a bunch of the monkey-faced have found this post and are putting their hyperventilating stupidity into an ASCII text representation. Apparently they didn't get it was a joke, though the only way to make it more obvious I was joking would be to write "I'm joking" every other sentence.

I'm not going to do that.

I need some sort of way to screen angry stupid people and keep them off this beloved interweb site. Maybe I could just place shiny things on the sidebar to distract them...

Rating: 2.3/5 (24 votes cast)

Comments (22) | I Hate Frank
Posted by sarahk at 04:05 PM | Email This

The Gamestop at our mall had a whole bunch of Dubya-2 boxes stacked up in their storefront window. Having a husband who would elect me Wife of the Year and Queen of the Universe were I to wrap up a Dubya-2 and put it under the Christmas tree this year, I got hesitantly excited. I knew that it was false advertising, but I decided to ask anyway, because I would have regretted it if I didn't.

SARAHK [in underwhelmed voice]: Do y'all actually have Wiis?
CLERK [very casually]: Oh no.
SARAHK: Oh. Because, see, you have the boxes all stacked up in the window, so... it's just, that's very deceptive.

He had no comment. Had moved on to fiddling with a display. Was ignoring me. There's a word for that store and that deceptive Dubya-2 display.

Starts with a W. Ends with an anker.

Rating: 2.5/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (5)
I'll Get Interested When They Come with Cash Prizes
Posted by Frank J. at 02:52 PM | Email This

IMAO has once again ranked in Right Wing News's Warblogger Awards, coming in behind Scrappleface for best humor blog (Scott Ott already came over to steal my thunder) but also tying for 11th for best overall blog.

I like the idea of the Warblogger Awards in that you have bloggers voting on the best blog; it's sort of like the Academy Award in that it's voted on by peers. Unfortunately, John Hawkins didn't get as much participation in the voting this year, and something has to be done to drum it up and increase participation next year to make it have more prestige.

As for the Weblog Awards, I would think the people voting in most categories probably hasn't actually seen all the blogs (I know I haven't). For that to be more worthwhile with the unlimited internet voting, they should adopt an American Idol model and force you to at least sample all the talent before voting. Not sure how to do that, but why do I have to solve all the world's problems?

Rating: 2.0/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (2)
Well, there goes the policy of Nuclear Ambiguity...
Posted by Laurence Simon at 02:26 PM | Email This

Smooth move, dumbass:

"Can you say that this is the same level, when they are aspiring to have nuclear weapons, as America, France, Israel and Russia?" he said, adding that those countries had nuclear weapons but they did not threaten any one with it.

The prime minister said that the difference was that those countries were "cultured nations" who did not threaten the world's principles with nuclear destruction.

Not that anybody's surprised, of course.

So, folks, now that the cat's out fo the bag, who gets nuked first?


Rating: 2.3/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (3)
New refrigerator in need of new refrigerator magnets
Posted by Laurence Simon at 02:07 PM | Email This

Last week, we got a new refrigerator.

See what's missing?

That's right: refrigerator magnets!

Sure, we could just re-use the old ones, but I'm thinking we need some new ones.

What better way to select new ones that to put on an open call for bloggers and podcasters to shamelessly plug their branded refrigerator magnets.

Details of the Refrigerator Magnet Project as well as commentspace for proposed refrigerator magnets are here.

Now, if people want to send me freebies, that's fine by me. But I've set a budget for this project and I'm perfectly willing to pay reasonable prices for interesting and diverse fridge magnets that will represent the blogosphere or podosphere. (Especially blogs and podcasts up for Wizwhore Awards, Frank... hint hint.)


Rating: 3.0/5 (16 votes cast)

I Think They Should Finish Destroying America Before They Move on to Destroying Israel
Posted by Frank J. at 01:03 PM | Email This

Rumor (with some confirmation) has it that Hamas, enemy of America and Israel, met with another enemy of America and Israel: the Democratic Party... and we all know that rumors always end up to be one hundred percent true. I guess after the Democrats' big win in November, Hamas was thinking they could learn something from the Democrats. I wonder how that idea exchange went...

HAMAS: We want kill jooooos! You help!

DEMOCRATS: Well, we have a big problem in Iraq. Our solution to that is to raise the minimum wage. Have you tried that?

HAMAS: Uh... how would that help?

DEMOCRATS: Also, you may want to turn public opinion against the Jews. Next time they assassinate your leadership, say that that was just a tax cut for the rich.

HAMAS: I'm not following...

DEMOCRATS: And if the Jews pass more legislation against suicide bombing, hammer them for limiting your right to choose.

HAMAS: I'm thinking this might have been a mistake.

Then again, with how good the Democrats are at convincing people to surrender on major conflicts, maybe some good will come of this.

Rating: 2.6/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (53)
Ten-Four, Allahu Ackbhar
Posted by Laurence Simon at 12:00 PM | Email This

(Via Fark)

Five pillars, eighteen wheels, and seventy-two virgins... could he be any more obvious?

A truck-driving student is in custody in Boston after raising suspicions when he wasn’t interested in learning how to back up his rig.

WLVI-TV (Ch. 56) reported last night that the would-be trucker is a 28-year-old Muslim from India and had overstayed his visa. An investigation is under way to see whether there is any connection between his unusual behavior and a terrorism plot. Federal authorities were alerted by instructors at the Nationwide Tractor Trailer Driving School in Smithfield, R.I., WLVI reported.

The student was described as a resident of New York, with driver’s licenses from New York, New Jersey and Rhode Island.

But here's the dumb part:

“Every indicator was there,” R.I. State Police Major Steve O’Donnell told WLVI. “Any one of these things alone is fine, but four or five together . . . ”

That's right. Never mind the multiple drivers licenses or overstaying your visa. Those, on their own, are perfectly fine in the United States. Nothing to see here. Please drive through.

And being a Muslim, well, that's just wonderful. Nothing wrong with that on it's own. We're not haters here, you know.

But for God's sake, don't truckers in Rhode Island need to learn how to back the truck up?

If it had been some white English-speaking citizen with one driver's license from Rhode Island not wanting to learn how to back his truck up, would that have been fine?

Rating: 2.3/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (15)
Regarding the Seattle-Tacoma hissyfit over Christmas trees and menorahs
Posted by Laurence Simon at 11:43 AM | Email This

Q: Why did the Seattle-Tacoma Airport put up Christmas trees and not menorahs for the holiday season?


Rating: 2.8/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Reader Appreciation
Posted by Frank J. at 11:15 AM | Email This

Everyone who preordered Chronicles of Dubya should get it soon as they were all mailed out on Saturday. The very first order was to an APO of someone heading soon to Iraq, so hopefully it will get there in time. You really don't want to go to Iraq without my book. I might even give a free copy to my brother and Patriot Xeno when they get their commission on Friday (everyone else, including my family, has to pay full price).

I tried my best to make each autographed copy special, and everyone has a different message written by me (and maybe some different hand-drawn art). I realize I don't always give enough props to my regular readers and commenters, so I thought this was a good time to show reader appreciation. Also, since the extra money people are paying for the autograph goes to support the troops, there is a lot of pressure on me to give good autographs or otherwise I'm letting our country down. I hope you love what I did when you get them.

I see Amazon and Barnes and Noble have pages up for the book but won't have them in stock in time for Christmas. Still, I want to remind you of the advantages of ordering direct from NTM Publishing. First, we give you discount prices (especially on multiple orders). Second, it's the only place to get a signed copy. Third, as those who ordered will soon see, each book is packaged with love by SarahK and hand labeled as such on the box. Finally and most importantly, buying direct puts more money in our pocket, and, the more money I earn, the more time I can devote to blogging.

Well, tell me when you get your copies and what you think. I've been wanting to put up a picture of the back cover because I think it's pretty cool, but I guess it will be a surprise now for everyone who ordered. Also, after you get the book, please put up a nice review on Amazon so everyone knows it's the best book ever.

Hmm. If you click on my name there, apparently I wrote a number of books on mathematics. I don't remember that at all, so I must have been totally high when I did it.

Anyway, if you want your books in time for Christmas, order soon. We have another shipment of books coming in, so, unlike certain video game console manufacturers, we should be able to meet demand without any hiccups.

Rating: 2.5/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (10)
The Global War On [mumble mumble]
Posted by spacemonkey at 11:12 AM | Email This

According to this story, our allies, the British, are afraid to use the phrase "war on terror." HT: RightWingNews

I guess this means, to paraphrase FDR (Not Churchill, who BTW was British),

"The British have nothing to be terrorized by but the terrorists who are offended by the phrase 'terror', themselves."

What to call it then?

'The War on naughty people who want to destroy Western civilization from within or without?'

'The War on those who don't like the word "terror'"

'The War against people, whom we need to hurry up and surrender to before we make them really super angry and they want to kill us all, like twice instead of just once like they do now.'

Nah, I'm good with plain ol' "WAR ON TERROR", its simple and effective. And knowing it offends those who would defend the terrorists is a super nice bonus.

If you are one of those who is offended by the phrase "WAR ON TERROR", please, please, please see the extended entry.


Rating: 3.1/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Frank Advice for Tom DeLay's Blog
Posted by Frank J. at 09:12 AM | Email This

I saw Tom DeLay on FOX News this morning talking about his new blog. IMAO is already on his blogroll (I notice Instapundit didn't make the list, probably because Tom DeLay heard about Glenn Reynolds's puppy smoothies and, in his current position, has to be careful who he associates with). This makes him the smartest politician I know. Thus, I'm going to give him some free advice.

Now, conservative bloggers feel they are often ignored by the Republican leadership because those guys are too old and stodgy to pay attention to some pajama-clad rabble. Thus, bloggers are going to be suspicious of someone who came from that same group. I think Tom DeLay could quickly gain acceptance with just a little change to his site. Right now, it's pretty bare as it's just black and white text and nothing else. Now, there's nothing wrong with that as it's perfectly fine for a blog to just focus on content and many successful blog aren't pretty to look at. Still, why not add a picture of himself to make the blog a little friendlier looking? And I know the perfect picture: his mugshot.

I'm completely serious here. There would be a number of advantages to him using his mugshot on his blog without comment. First, it's a great photo of him. The Democrats looked silly trying to use it in a fundraising e-mails because, by appearance, he was much more trustworthy than them. Second, using his mugshot as his blog photo would show he has a good sense of humor about something that's going to be the first thing on mind to many bloggers, and being able to joke about yourself earns you huge points in the blogosphere. Finally, it will really anger the liberal bloggers, and anything that makes those bloggers screech at you and shake their tiny fists in impotent rage wins good publicity from conservative bloggers.

So, there's my advice, take it or leave it. I don't know much about being a politician or legal affairs, but I do know blogs.

Welcome to the blogosphere!


A picture has been added, but not the one I recommended. And, frankly, it's not as good a picture.

Rating: 2.8/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (2)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 09:06 AM | Email This


1) What is the name of the stuffed bear Mr. Burns' loves?

2) Which Simpson character has a superfluous third nipple?

3) Who is Maggie's arch enemy?

4) Homer gets up at 6am to watch what TV show?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.7/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Simpsons Trivia
December 10, 2006
Happy "Anniversary"!
Posted by Frank J. at 11:54 PM | Email This

I just wanted to take the chance to publicly wish my sweetie, the lovely and talented SarahK, happy "one year anniversary." It's been the best year of my life.

Rating: 2.8/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (13)
Awards? What awards?
Posted by Laurence Simon at 03:56 PM | Email This

Glenn Reynolds and I agree on something?

Next thing you know, I'll be sticking puppies into blenders.

Rating: 2.2/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 12:38 PM | Email This


1) Who invented a take-home personality test?

2) In "Stark Raving Dad", why did Mr. Burns question Homer's sanity?

3) According to Lisa's essay in "Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington", Washington DC was built on what?

4) What comes free inside specially marked boxes of Jackie-O's cereal?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.5/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (3) | Simpsons Trivia
December 09, 2006
I Did Not Expect the Entire Sky to Light Up
Posted by Frank J. at 09:08 PM | Email This

We're about forty miles away from the Kennedy Space Center, so we went out to the golf course behind us to watch the shuttle launch.


I have some video which I'll YouTube (and SarahK took pictures), but I don't know how to film a bright object at night so it's going to be nothing compared to what I actually saw. I was expecting a bright dot to move through the sky like when I watched a launch from here during the day, but an entire section of sky completely lit up even before the shuttle (which looked like a giant fireball) came into view.

Anyway, I wish I wore my glasses I use for night driving and spent less time looking at the camera. I mean, this is the last ever night time shuttle launch. Well, I tivoed FOXNews so I can watch the film from those with a better view (hope you and your family enjoyed it, JFH).

UPDATE: Here's the video. I did my best to fix the color in post, but it's nothing like seeing it in person. Still, I think it's pretty amazing. It's like a night time sunrise.

That's the local talk radio station playing in the background and some neighbors cheering as the shuttle clears the tree line.

Is it just me or do I sound like Butthead from Beavis and Butthead when I make the comment about not expect the sky to light up like that? Should have fixed that in post...

Rating: 2.5/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (28)
An unexpected front in the Global War On Jews
Posted by Laurence Simon at 08:23 PM | Email This

As the Festival Of Lights approaches, I reveal an ugly new front in the Global War On Jews...

Rating: 2.4/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 11:17 AM | Email This


1) When "Krusty Gets Cancelled", what other Fox TV show does he audition for?

2) In "Marge in Chains", who does Lionel Hutz call during the middle of Marge's trial?

3) What sports announcer's voice can Gabbo imitate?

4) How tall is Marge, from the floor to the top of her hair?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.8/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Simpsons Trivia
December 08, 2006
Listen to Frank
Posted by Frank J. at 04:52 PM | Email This

I will be on the Passionate America Show in just a few minutes. Go over to Wild Bill's site to listen to it live.

There will be book giveaways!

UPDATE: The podcast of the interview is up here. You can't here her, but sometimes I'm responding to SarahK who was busy packing books at the time. The interview starts out a bit boring, but gets pretty good, I think. I guess I'm better when responding to someone and not left to rant on endlessly.

Rating: 2.7/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (12)
I Question the Timing of This
Posted by Harvey at 04:38 PM | Email This

IMAO is (so I've been told), in the running for Best Humor Blog in the 2006 Weblog Awards.

And today I noticed that some group calling itself the Monger Horde is encouraging people to spread vicious fabrications about Frank J.

Obviously a clandestine smear campaign designed by IMAO's competition.

They're asking "What changes would FrankJ make to the Bush administration as a cabinet member?"

Which is just a silly question, because Frank J. isn't going to join Bush's cabinet.

He's going to replace John Bolton as the UN ambassador.

"But," I hear you whine in protest, "Frank J. is just a sad little effeminate girly-man with no facial hair! How can he replace the fearsomeness of The Mighty Stache?"


Although Frank J. is swishy as an industrial washing machine and has a face so amazingly baby-like that it makes Leonardo DiCaprio look like Clint Eastwood, he's not completely without weaponry.

(see extended entry for Frank's weaponry)


Rating: 2.6/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Best of IMAO 2006
Posted by Frank J. at 12:48 PM | Email This

Since we're nominated for best humor weblog in the Weblog Awards (Lair should have a post up later about how important this is), I was thinking we should go back through our posts this year for evidence we were funny. Thus, I made the Best of IMAO 2006 category and have started to go back through my own posts and tag the ones worth rereading (I've made it through March so far) and have instructed the other IMAO bloggers to do the same. We probably should have done this for every year.

Remember, you can vote every 24 hours, but, if you can figure some way to hack to vote for us, that would be great. They say cheaters will be banned, but, if you're good at cheating, they won't catch you in the first place so I find that to be a hollow threat.

BTW, John Hawkins of Right Wing News (who, through glaring omission, isn't up for anything in the Weblog Awards) has named IMAO one of his favorite blogs again, up eleven places from last time. Everyone loves IMAO!

I have to get to work signing and mailing the books. And remember to listen for me on the Passionate America Show at 5pm ET today (I had the time wrong). There may be prizes!

Rating: 2.7/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (3)
ISG Approved Products - Buy Them Today!!
Posted by RightWingDuck at 11:59 AM | Email This

Sometimes, an organization springs forth bringing goodness and light to humanity. Their efforts are so profound, you want them to never go away. Such are my feelings for the Iraq Study Group.

I've never felt this way about an organization. They looked at the situation in Iraq, with Iran sending insurgents to kill Iraqis and Americans, and decided- "Maybe Iran could help us?"

Unfortunately, once the ISG authors are done with their whirlwind tour, we may never feel their impact again.

Fear not, because I have it on good authority that the ISG is branching out to offer solutions for ALL of our needs, not just in dealing with Iraq.

For the Christmas season, I present to you...

Products And Or Services Approved by the ISG.


Product: How To Win Friends And Influence People.

ISG Recommendation. "Michael Richards is well known for his wacky depiction of the Seinfeld character Kramer. This updated-for-today cassette tape collection (also available on 8-track) will show you how to reach out and make friends. Mr. Richards hasn't made the news of late, but you should read this to see how to: Handle hecklers and detractors - Conduct a PR Campaign - and put together comedy material that will have people roaring. "


Product: The Put Er Out Fire Extinguisher

ISG Recommendation: The Put Er Out is a perfect example of what a roaring fire needs. When everything you own is in danger of going up in flames, a little bit of this will do the trick. Many people might see Put Er Out as a source of the destruction, but that is also the key to addressing the solutions.


Service: The Ride With Strangers Program

ISG Recommendation: "School busing provides one of the most needed services in our education system today. No, not teaching. Bus rides for poor, helpless kids. By increasing diversity at our schools, we can transform our schools from a bunch of white kids who can't read, to a bunch of kids with different skin colors - who can't read.

We have screened our drivers through a very intensive process called - " Do You Think You Can Help Us? "


We will be providing information on other valuable ISG endorsed products as they come online.

Did you vote? IMAO has been nominated at the Weblogawards site for Best Humor Blog. Please swing by and vote. You may vote once every 24 hours and we'd like to have a year when we don't finish behind comments spam and the pop up ads for free computers.

Rating: 2.8/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (5)
What is Mahmoud Abbas Praying For? #15
Posted by Laurence Simon at 11:08 AM | Email This

It's Friday, so you know it's time for the wire services to post the non sequitur non-news story of Mahmoud Abbas praying at a mosque.

However, this week's different... this week we're going to start a new feature called:


So, from Mahmoud Abbas' expressions, can you tell what Mahmoud Abbas is praying for?

Is it:

a) Someone to fix the air conditioner. The hum is driving him nuts!

b) His assistants to stop trying to steal his watch. And when he puts his hand on his watch while he prays, they steal his wallet. Why? Why, Allah, why?

c) John Kerry to hook him up with his Botox doc. His face feels like a mudlike, for Allah's sake!

d) More padding in the floor. Damn, that smarts!

e) When someone breaks him off a piece of that KitKat bar, they break it off of the end that they haven't sucked the chocolate off of.



Put your guesses in the comments.

Rating: 2.8/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Friday Catblogging
Posted by Laurence Simon at 10:42 AM | Email This

Since it's Friday, I thought I'd spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka "I-MEOW").

While the other IMAO bloggers mindlessly whore for votes in this 2006 Weblog Awards crapfestival like a bunch of liberals fighting for space on Michael Moore's ass to kiss (not that it's all that hard to do, considering the size of his revolting backside), I'm doing my best to recover from the shock long enough to get back to the catblogging routine.

Anyway, it's time for Frisky the Cavekitty:

If you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Frisky is... um...

Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.

You can find more examples of Friday catblogging by searching a blog search engine such as Technorati for "catblogging."

You can also find a roundup of catblogging posts at The Friday Ark, located at The Modulator blog.

Then, when the weekend is nearly over, head over to The Carnival of the Cats for more kitty goodness.

There's also Flickr Groups called Furry Friday and Friday Catblogging.

Anybody I miss?

Rating: 2.0/5 (24 votes cast)

Comments (7) | Friday Cat-Blogging
Get Frank's book free!
Posted by Frank J. at 09:44 AM | Email This

Well, actually not directly anyway. I didn't know about this before today:

Nearly a year ago, The Motley Fool published an article titled "You're still paying for the Spanish-American War," which noted that, bizarre though it may be, we've all been socked on each phone bill with an excise tax that went into effect long ago to pay for the Spanish-American War. Well, sometimes our friends in Washington do something right. The tax has indeed finally come to an end, and we're even being offered refunds.

The money is out there for you -- you just have to jump through a few hoops in order to get it.

Here are a few things to know, courtesy of Dick Hansen at refundphonetax.com and also from the Internal Revenue Service:

You are to claim the refund on the 2006 tax form that you file in 2007.

You can opt for a standard refund of $30 (if you have one exemption), $40 (if you have two), $50 (if you have three) or $60 (if you have more). This option requires no documentation from you.

If you have (or want to go through the trouble of procuring) your telephone bill statements from March 2003 to July 2006, you can get a refund based on amounts you were actually charged. In most cases, this can amount to a lot more than the standard refund -- perhaps as much as $100 to $300 for many of us. You'll need to fill out IRS Form 8913 for this.

If this is the first time you've heard of this, you're morally obligated to use a portion of the refund to buy one, two, maybe even three, copies of Frank's book. I would recommend you buy a copy with your own money, but I haven't read it because Frank hasn't sent me a gratis copy yet--cheap S.O.B.

Rating: 1.8/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (3) | I Hate Frank
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 09:00 AM | Email This


1) (T/F) Bart and his army use cream pies against Nelson the bully

2) To whom does Homer take the Simpsons when he decides they're the worst family in town?

3) When Bart prank calls Moe, he asks for Jacques who?

4) According to the tabloid, what is the main course of "Bigfoot" Homer's diet?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.2/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (4) | Simpsons Trivia
December 07, 2006
Humor Digest
Posted by spacemonkey at 11:51 PM | Email This

I gathered together all the humor I found in all the other blogs nominated for the Best Humor Blog Award and am quoting it here. So you can judge for yourself who has teh funny.

But wait, there's more.
There you have it. I think I was pretty comprehensive but if I missed anything please let me know.
Actually a couple of the other nominees are actually kinda funny. But I obviously can't endorse them. I want to live.

Vote for IMAO. Your life just might depend on it. I know mine does.

Update: Who's winning? Some scrapplyfaced otter. Is IMAO in second? Sadly, not any more.


Rating: 2.5/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (4)
The Voting is On!!
Posted by RightWingDuck at 07:57 PM | Email This

If you vote for us today, we'll gladly give you some funny tomorrow.

We're nominated for Best Humor Blog

Don't laugh. That's not a joke.

I mean, laugh, because THAT'S funny.

No. Wait.

(Ducky sits down to think this one through.)

Never mind. Go and VOTE NOW.

You can only vote once a day and this year I think we're good enough to get more votes than the 403 Error message page. (Stupid error page and it's impeccable delivery)


Rating: 2.9/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (3)
IMAO on the Radio
Posted by Frank J. at 06:36 PM | Email This

It's not a podcast, but I'll be on the Passionate America Show with Wild Bill tomorrow at 5pm ET. You can find a link to listen live at his site. I don't know what I'll be talking about but I figure I'll mention my book. I probably should come up with some sound bites about the Iraq Study Group...

Rating: 2.1/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (4)
Happy Pearl Harbor Day
Posted by Frank J. at 04:00 PM | Email This

Just a reminder, today is the anniversary of when Pearl Harbor was attacked. We responded to this attack on American soil by the Japanese by declaring war with Germany. Eventually the public whined so much about it that we gave up and thus Germany is still around today.

Rating: 2.3/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Chronicles of Dubya Controversy
Posted by Frank J. at 03:22 PM | Email This

I would just like to state that the details of a researcher quitting over the publication of my book as reported by Confederate Yankee are not entirely accurate. We wish Dr. Stein the best.

Rating: 2.1/5 (16 votes cast)

In My World: The Capture of the Rumsfeld Strangler
Posted by Frank J. at 02:18 PM | Email This


* * * *

Detective Ian Competent shined a bright light into Donald Rumsfeld's eyes. "So how many people have you strangled to death?"

Rumsfeld rubbed his knuckles. "Apparently not enough."

Detective Competent slammed his hands down on the table. "You think this is funny?!"

"I don't ever think anything is funny," Rumsfeld answered. "Laughing is for homosexuals."

"Well you won't be homosexual over this." Detective Competent threw some photos of people strangled to death down in front of Rumsfeld. "Do you recognize these?"

Rumsfeld adjusted his glasses and looked at the photos. "Yes. These are the photos I sent you of the people I strangled. I wanted to make sure you knew who strangled them because I don't want someone else taking credit from my stranglings. That would just mean more people to strangle."

"Don't try and talk your way out of this one!" Detective Competent shouted. "We have evidence you strangled these people! Diplomats, hippies, French people - all dead because of you!"

Rumsfeld yawned. "Now you're just quoting my resume. I thought we were clear on all this? I usually came in and told you guys who I was going to strangle before hand to once again make sure no one take credit for my stranglings." Rumsfeld got angry. "Is someone taking credit for my strangling?!"

Detective Competent laughed. "I bet you never thought we'd figure it out."

"What's to figure out? I left you guys notes and everything so you wouldn't waste time on this."

Detective Competent stared Rumsfeld right in the eyes. "Do you know what the punishment is for mass murderers in Washington D.C.?"

Rumsfeld thought for a moment. "I think it's a fifteen dollar fine."

"Wrong!" Detective Competent slammed his fists down on the table. "In an effort to crack down on murder sprees, the fine has been increased to forty dollars." He paused for a second. "Of course, the law change isn't retroactive, and since your murderers predate it, I guess your fine is still fifteen dollars." He shrugged. "So, yeah, I guess you're right; it's fifteen dollars. Sorry for the outburst."

"Rarr!" Rumsfeld burst to his feet. "I'm not paying that! Everyone I strangled deserved it!"

"If you don't pay your fine, it's prison for you! And then you can strangle rocks all day! Now, another question: You know anything about the kids disappearing in your neighborhood? We thought that would stop when we took you in, but, well..." He chuckled. "Whoops! Wrong again. Can't get them all right... or even most of them."

"That's my dog, Chomps," Rumsfeld said. "If not watched, he eats whiny little children. If watched, he eats less of them."

"Oh." Detective Competent thought about that. "Guess we can't do anything about it; it's not like laws apply to dogs. Anyway, I'm going to go talk to the press, and you can wait here and think about what you did." He left the interrogation room and locked the door.

Rumsfeld flexed his hands. "I'd rather think about what I'm going to do."

* * * *

"I, Ian Competent, the greatest Detective ever, have succeeded where other's failed and captured the Rumsfeld Strangler," Detective Competent told the press. "I'm sure I'll get the Medal of Honor or something for this. Make it clear to everyone that I'm open to negotiations for a book deal."

A police officer ran forward. "Donald Rumsfeld has escaped! He strangled the lock open!"

"What?! Where was did he go?"

"I think he passed through here."

Detective Competent noticed that all the reporters had been strangled. "Dang it!"

* * * *

"President Bush, you may be interested to know that an APB has been put out for Donald Rumsfeld and his angry dog too," Tony Snow said. "The orders are to shoot to kill."

President Bush chuckled. "That's wacky Rumsfeld. I knew he'd keep himself busy even without being Secretary of Defense anymore. Well, I hope the new guy will do well. What did Rummy call him again?"

"A 'fruit.'"

Bush laughed again. "He was always accusing everyone of being homosexuals. I'll miss that." Bush held up the Iraq Study Group report. "Did you see this, Snowman? We have our plan to win!"

"Uh... did you actually read that?"

"No. I don't... you know... read things. Why? What's it say?"

"It's a plan to withdraw from Iraq," Tony explained. "It also calls for talks with Syria and Iran to help with Iraq."

Bush tossed the study. "Was that the 'Iraq Study Group' or the 'Crack Smoking Group'? We should make a new group with people who actually like to win wars. You think we can find some of them?"

Tony sighed. "Yeah; maybe."

"Maybe I'll just do my own study group with my GI Joe action figures," Bush mused. "They never give up in their battle with the dreaded Cobra."

"Unfortunately, I think that's your best idea so far this year, sir."

"If I include the Transformers in this study group, do I need to include both the Autobots and the Decepticons to make it bipartisan?"

Tony was about to respond, but then his cell phone rang and he answered it.

"What is it?" Bush asked.

Tony put away his phone. "Apparently, every member of the Iraq Study Group has been strangled."

"That's odd. Do you think the murders are related?"

Tony rolled his eyes. "It crossed my mind. I'm going to go talk to the press and then cry myself to sleep."

"Have fun!" When Tony left, Bush opened the drawer on his desk that contained his action figures and rummaged through them. "I need to find Admiral Ackbar; he'll know what to do."

Rating: 2.8/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (13) | In My World
Posted by Frank J. at 01:15 PM | Email This

We now have boxes of books which means I have to get to all the signing so we can start shipping those out. I've never done autographs before, so I think I'll practice on some paper before potentially ruining a book. Plus, I need to get my self-portrait down (example seen here). Anyway, all who ordered should have there book out real soon; I can't wait to get these in your hands so you can show them around so every knows how mind-blowingly awesome they are.

Though it will be more work for me, you can order a signed copy here or multiple copies of the book to give out as the best gift ever. The book will eventually be available on Amazon.com and other book sites, but it won't be until after Christmas and I'll get less money from you buying from there.

I like more money.

BTW, I'm working on an In My World™ to wrap up the story of Rumsfeld. I was having trouble with it, but I'm just going to go ahead and write a little something. Nothing could quite measure up to the send off he deserves.

Rating: 2.5/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Posted by spacemonkey at 11:37 AM | Email This

I appreciate all the kind words and offers of condolences since my Papaw went Home.

I never heard him tell a joke, but he always had a certain wit about him. He used to tell people to look at his dog, a particular black Lab if I remember, and say "now tell me if that dog doesn't look just like Burt Reynolds?" I believe he actually thought it did. I never saw the resemblance aside from the mustache and dark hair.

He had a way with people too. Even though he was a little old feeble man he still had the strength to lift you up when you needed it. He was a good man who left a legacy of an actual good Christian example and all that entails. His light shone 24/7.

Things I do my best to emulate.

Hundreds came to pay their respects, quite a statement in a rural Alabama county of only a few thousand.

He'll be missed.

Rating: 2.9/5 (12 votes cast)

He could save saved a lot of paper by just printing JEWS!
Posted by Laurence Simon at 11:23 AM | Email This

James "F- The Jews" Baker III goes back to his old habits, reads the memos from his in-house Syrians at the Baker Institute at Rice University, and slips in their wet-dream: linking the Iraq War with the Israeli-Palestinian/Israeli-Syria/Israeli-Hezbollah/Israel-Arab/Israeli-Islam/Israeli-UN/Israeli-Pat Robertson conflict.

Of course, James Baker is too much of a veteran politician to play his whole hand in this document. I mean, you slip a little something in, nudge the lines in the sand a little this time, then nudge them again.. and again.. and again...

Here are some of the things James Baker didn't link the Israeli-Palestinian conflict to that he wished he could have:

  • "The failure to come up with a resolution of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict is preventing humanity from finding a cure for AIDS" - According to leading academics in Egypt, Saudi Arabia, Syria, Gaza, Turkey, France, Malaysia, Pakistan, and London - Jews spread AIDS as a part of their biological warfare plan against the Western World. Heck, they invented it, right?

    On the other hand, Palestinians would be learning biochemistry and medicine in Beir Zeit and Al-Quds University instead of making explosives and rockets if they had their own country. That country would be a shining beacon for medical research, attracting doctors and researchers from across the globe. Curing AIDS would be just the first step - they'd also cure cancer, diabetes, and the rift between Eddie Van Halen and David Lee Roth.

  • "The failure to come up with a resolution of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict is to blame for the American and European obesity epidemic" - With too many Jews around, there's too many Jewish mothers telling their kids "Eat, eat! You need to eat something!"

    But if the Palestinians are allowed to wipe the Jews off of the face of the earth, no more Jewish mothers stuffing the faces of children around the world. Lots of healthy, lean kids out there. Maybe they'll get some exercise with their burning rocks and leaping through flaming hoops, too?

  • "The failure to come up with a resolution of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict is to blame for the decline in quality in Hollywood's movies." - Two words: Stephen Spielberg.

    Without all that Jew money propping him up, we'd be getting great epics like "Jenin, Jenin" sweeping the Oscars. Maybe we'd see a Gucci or Vera Wang suicide bomber vest going down the red carpet worn by Susan Sarandon, making a beeline to martyr herself on Joan and Melissa Rivers.

  • "The failure to come up with a resolution of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict is raising oil prices." - You see, Jews like Chinese food. So they buy all that food from China. China's economy grows as a result, but the Jews demand more food because Jews always want more. Tthey become industrialized to provide that food to Jews. The demand for fuel to drive that economy goes up, which then makes China compete with America in the energy markets. That drives up the price oil oil everywhere.

    But on the other hand, Palestinians just eat from bags of UN food aid. That comes from America, so wiping out the Jews would collapse the Chinese economy and boost the American economy. Yay, America! Boo Jews!

  • "The failure to come up with a resolution of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict is the root cause of global warming, climate change, and rising ocean levels." - All those Jews, lighting their menorahs at once! Such pollution! Over eight days, too! If Palestinians are allowed to obliterate Jewish holy places, Hanukkah would end as a major holiday and there would be much less burning... well, unless you count all those cars in France being burned by angry Muslim youths.

  • "The failure to come up with a resolution of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict is why the Oakland Raiders suck." - Art Shell's black. And you know how Jews treat black people. Just look at Michael Richards, who claims to be Jewish because... um... he grew up around Jews. And because I grew up with a pet dog, that makes me a dog, too. Arf! Arf!

    Wiping out the Jewish ownership of NFL teams and handing it over to Palestinian ownership would return respect to the league. Of course, it wouldn't work for baseball, because all it would take is one suicide squeeze and there's be lawsuits. ("Fans should be alert for baseballs, bats, and shrapnel leaving the field of play and going into the stands.")

See?Look at all of that... so much the world is missing out on!

Isn't it obvious by now that...


Rating: 2.9/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (14)
Lose Lose Lose - The New Theme for America
Posted by Frank J. at 10:48 AM | Email This

I dunno, I just don't see us winning in Iraq at this point with about everyone dead set against us staying and winning (of all the bad things you can say about John McCain, he’s one of the very few deadest on winning). It's all becoming a question of when we pull out. Then, focus we'll go back to Afghanistan and we'll flee there. Then, America will be effectively neutered and we'll never have the will to win another war. Eventually, the Statue of Liberty will be blown up and then the apes will take over... which will be a lot better than being ruled by the Muslims.

While waiting for doom, the only thing left to do is assign blame. So who do you blame for us losing in Iraq? I blame my brother. He actually fought over there and I can only surmise he didn't do a very good job at it. It's like how I blame my father for us losing in Vietnam.

I shouldn't just blog about losing, though. People come to IMAO to be happy. I should blog about something happy, like bunnies. They're tasty.

Rating: 2.4/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (13)
The Cost of Blogging
Posted by Frank J. at 10:18 AM | Email This

Many of you may wonder why IMAO has so many ads and is always trying to sell you t-shirts and books and kidneys (subject to availability). That's because blogging is actually a costly effort. Also, I am not a rich man in any way. I currently have one dollar in my wallet and SarahK won't let me have anymore money. Hence the ads to raise money so we can continue to blog and I can continue to pay my mortgage so I can live in a house while blogging. Anyway, here are the many different costs involved in bringing you "teh funny" on a near weekly basis:


* Website Hosting: We actually have to pay money so a company has the privilege of hosting IMAO. And, they're always yelling at us for using too much bandwidth and then shutting off our ability to accept comments. Thus, it's kinda hard for us to argue we should get hosting for free.

* Taxes: IMAO is part of an actual corporation now, which means the government is always looking over our shoulder on our spending asking, "Why are you paying for that? Is that really a business expense? Why don't you just give that money to us?" And do you know how much the Social Security boondoggle costs if your employer isn't paying half of it for you? About half of every dollar that goes to IMAO goes to the government who then gives it to the unemployed so they're able to blog all day long.

* Legal Defense: Inevitably, someone is going to notice one of our many copyright violations, and then we'll get sued. I could have Cadet Happy be our lawyer, but do I really want to put my life in the hands of someone who would probably use a court case as just another opportunity to make me look gay?

* Ham: Since we're supportive of two countries that annoy terrorists - America and Israel - we have to be wary of terrorist attacks. That means protecting everything involving IMAO by gluing ham to it. That's not cheap. We could use Spam, but some terrorists may risk touching something that isn't guaranteed to actually have any pork in it.

* Rugby Scrum Cap: SarahK has seizures. Right now, it's just tingling and with no loss of muscle control, but I figure I better get her a helmet just like the one the girl in Garden State wore to be on the safe side. Otherwise, she could injure herself while working and then I'm back to needing legal defense. Plus, I think she'd look cute in a helmet.

* Kung Fu Lessons: The way this new media is developing, it's quite certain we will have to one day challenge another group blog to a kung fu fight. Right now, though, our kung fu is weak. The other day when SarahK was mouthing off to me, I was barely even able to throw her across the room (another reason she needs the helmet). Were we to lose in a kung fu match with another blog, no one would ever read us again. Thus, we all need kung fu lessons which are expensive unless you find some Japanese maintenance guy for your apartment who takes pity on you. But he'll probably make you do tons of chores and always put "san" after your name until one day you just snap and punch him in the face but then he'll punch you back even harder since he's got the skillz. Thus, it's probably better to pay for lessons.

* Wives: All the IMAO bloggers are married, and you know how wives are. I'm always like, "We have lots of blog expenses." And SarahK is like, "I don't care! Buy me something pretty!"

* Research and Development: Anyone who reads IMAO for any length of time will notice there is a specific pattern to my humor. I'm hoping to develop software that emulates that pattern and all I would need to do is input a topic and it would spit out a humor post. This would increase IMAO posting and also allow me to save money by firing all the other bloggers (who could be emulated in software as well). While this would be a cost saving measure, it takes a good deal of money to invest to see it through. While it's easy to kidnap children in foreign countries to make shoes for you, it's harder to find kids who know how to program software algorithms. I blame the educational system of third world countries. I also blame the Jews.

As you can see, blogging is a costly operation, so it's either lots of ads or we do a fundraising drive. If we did the latter, somehow I don't see us raising $80,000 like Andrew Sullivanist. So click on the ads and buy my book and buy stuff from CafePress and we'll continue to occasionally write humor posts. Otherwise, I'll end up homeless and crazy, and you don't want that because I'll be heavily armed and out for revenge. How many state troopers will it take to bring me down? And you know that expense will come right back to you in the form of taxes. So basically you have the option of paying for IMAO now or later.

Rating: 2.7/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (15)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 09:55 AM | Email This


1) (T/F) Homer bunks at an insane asylum with a guy who thinks he's Boy George

2) What is the name of Ned Flanders' specialty store?

3) Why do Homer and Bart have to work at the carnival?

4) Scott Christian hosts what segment of the news?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.8/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Simpsons Trivia
December 06, 2006
Does this mean I care less twice?
Posted by Laurence Simon at 08:53 PM | Email This

Aw, crap.

I go off an say I don't give a damn about these weblog awards, and I end up a part of two ensemble casts making the finals?

By the way, after looking through the list and making a few calls, I've come to the realization that every finalist has a Jew among the bloggers or podcasters.

That's right. We control the new media, too.

Rating: 3.0/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (7)
Our Competition
Posted by Frank J. at 05:01 PM | Email This

The Weblog Awards didn't put links up with the names of nominees, so I went ahead and looked up all our competition in the humor category by myself:

Jon Swift
The Dick List
The Hatemonger's Quarterly
Curmudgeonly & Skeptical
My Brain Hates Me But I Hate It More
Knowledge is Power
Sadly, No!

I checked them all out, and I didn't laugh once. Maybe I just don't get what kids find funny these days. Like, when I go out to do yard work, the kids are always throwing stuff at me and laughing which I don't find funny at all. Maybe that's what all this is.

Rating: 2.4/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (13)
403 Forbidden
Posted by Frank J. at 04:42 PM | Email This

I've gotten a couple e-mails that some people have been getting "403 Forbidden" errors trying to access IMAO from certain computers. Also, I noticed our traffic has been down. Then again, it is December and we do suck. Still, if you notice IMAO to be inaccessible, please tell me.

Rating: 2.2/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (16)
Who Will We Lose to This Year?
Posted by Frank J. at 04:04 PM | Email This

We got nominated in the humor category of the Weblog Awards again. I'm not familiar with about half of the blogs in the category; who do you think our biggest competition is?

If we win, I would like a trophy with a bronzed blog on it. I imagine that, if a blog were to be depicted in a statue form, it would be a globular mass with tentacles. Everyone would be like, "What's that?" and you'd be like, "That's a blog." And then everyone would nod knowingly.

Man, I keep having to drink more coffee each day to stay awake and marginally coherent. I think I'll have to switch to that coffee substitute... whatever it's called. Sleep, I think. What I'm trying to say is that I'm missing a shoe if anyone has seen it.

Rating: 2.5/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (4)
If We're Going to Lose, Let's Just Lose
Posted by Frank J. at 02:59 PM | Email This

From what I understand of the Iraq Study Group's recommendations, they want us to lose the war in a complex manner. I just don't think that's befitting the United States of America. If we're going to lose a war, let's outright lose the war and not try and weasel out of it. We should just declare we give up and that obviously the terrorists wanted the win more. Then we get every single American out of Iraq as soon as possible. If an Iraqi asks, "But what will happen to our new government?" we tell him, "Well, that's up to the winners of this war: the terrorists and the New York Times."

Either win or lose; don't try and find a middle ground.

Rating: 2.3/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (15)
For the Record
Posted by Frank J. at 10:48 AM | Email This

There's a lot of talk about Senator Obama running for President in 2008, but we all know that's just talk. Obama will never make it through the Democratic primary because, deep down, Democrats hate black people. Sure, they want black people's vote each election, but they don't want to actual take orders from them. Kos and friends have written numerous posts on the problem of uppity Negroes, and I think it's time that everyone face reality and realize that society hasn't advanced enough that a black man could actually be elected President by Democrats. In 2008, their nominee is once again going to be a white male... or someone similar such as Hillary Clinton. Suggesting anyone else is just idle chit chat.

He'll probably be the nominee for vice president, though.

Rating: 3.0/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (27)
Feline Alzheimers
Posted by Laurence Simon at 09:16 AM | Email This

Apparently, cats can get a form of Alzheimers...

CATS can suffer from a feline form of Alzheimer's disease, Edinburgh scientists revealed today.

A study into ageing cats identified a key protein which can build up in the nerve cells in their brains and cause mental deterioration, similar to that in humans.

The research was carried out by scientists at the University of Edinburgh, as well as universities at St Andrews, Bristol and California.

Dr Danielle Gunn-Moore, of Edinburgh University, said: "We've known for a long time that cats develop dementia, but this study tells us that the cat's neural system is being compromised."

Here are some of the common signs that your cat has Alzheimers:

  • You cat cannot remember its involvement in cheese-for-catnip deals with mice.

  • Your cat finds it necessary to retire from its leadership role in the National Ratkilling Association.

I will add more as the day goes by, but feel free to make your own suggestions in the comments.

Rating: 2.7/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (15)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 09:04 AM | Email This


1) (T/F) In "Two Dozen and One Greyhounds", Mr. Burns wants all of the puppies to make shoes out of them.

2) In "Lisa's Wedding", who is Homer's supervisor at the plant in the year 2010?

3) In "Lisa's Wedding", where do Lisa and her fiance meet?

4) In "Lisa's Wedding", who does Lisa plan to marry?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.1/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (4) | Simpsons Trivia
December 05, 2006
New York bans trans fat
Posted by Frank J. at 09:06 PM | Email This



Rating: 3.3/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (9)
"freakin' awesome!"
Posted by Frank J. at 08:52 PM | Email This

. . . so says sarahk

. . . not so awesome, my daughter was watching a Sesame Street x-mas special, and Bert and Ernie were getting gifts for each other. Ernie got Bert a cigar box for his paperclip collection, and the "politically correct" sirens started going off in my head subconciously. I hadn't conciously realized that cigar boxes were "taboo"--I wonder how many other things have slipped into the realm of taboo due to PC brainwashing. (As it turned out, Mr. Hooper was in the skit, so it obviously was from the 70s--you would probably get arrested if you sold Ernie a cigar box today).

Rating: 2.5/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Fun Facts About South Carolina
Posted by Harvey at 05:21 PM | Email This

While the IMAO podcast is still MIA, I'm going to keep posting the latest uncut Fun Facts About The 50 States - hopefully on a weekly schedule.

(continued in extended entry)


Rating: 2.3/5 (30 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Fun Trivia
Where RWD Advocates for More Public Porn...
Posted by RightWingDuck at 04:48 PM | Email This

Michelle Malkin and the oppressed Muslims have inspired me to reach new levels of personal civil rights – by which I mean more pornography.

A porno shop and a church can have a lot in common. They can both involve little booths, they both ask for donations (or tokens) and when you get caught coming out of one – you try to act like its no big deal. Admittedly, the porno industry has fewer scenes involving old men and altar boys, but it does have more scenes with plumbers.

It used to be that pornography was something you did in private. But certain events lead me to believe that things we used to do in private not only are acceptable in public, but must be accommodated.

Example. The Flying Imams. Now they want their own space at the airports so that they can pray away from the prying public who might mercilessly judge them and their peaceful ways. Some people feel that these praying men need a quite area to rest, relax, pray, and check their detonators switches.

As another example, we have these two ladies who were not allowed to pray at their local gymnasium. Unless they were needlessly tying up the treadmills, I have to say that this is a clear case of religious oppression.

I sympathize. I feel that way about public porn.

How many times have I wanted to pull out my porno mags and look at the privates of my favorite gals: Tina Tatas, Ms. Mounds O’ Merry, and Britney Spears.

But can I do that in public? No.

Why? Religious oppression. Judgement. Decency laws.


I say that there should be no more division between private activities and public activities. Today we start with public prayer, next we work to make public bathrooms truly public. (Mr. Airport manager, tear down those walls!)

This may seem crude, but that’s because most of you are very intolerant of my beliefs. I really wish you people would have more respect and stop being so hateful.

I have to go. I still have a few more tokens.

Rating: 2.1/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Popular Support for Nuking the Moon
Posted by Frank J. at 01:10 PM | Email This

Scott Adams of Dilbert fame has come out in support of nuking the moon, though his reasoning for its necessity is different from mine.

(hat tip to reader Nora)

Rating: 3.1/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Chronicles of Dubya Shipping Thursday
Posted by Frank J. at 11:50 AM | Email This

We should finally start shipping The Chronicles of Dubya Volume 1 on Thursday. Thanks for waiting and thanks for the preorders.

We should be able to meet Christmas demand better than the PS3 or the Nintendo Wii.

Rating: 2.1/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Flying Imams: Scare or Threat or Scary Threat?
Posted by Frank J. at 09:43 AM | Email This

I had heard about this story of flying imams freaking out a passenger flight, but I never paid it much attention. I've finally decided to analyze the facts (well, scan one article about it) and assess whether the imams were an actual threat to that flight.

Now, first off, some people think this may be an issue of growing discrimination against Muslims, but I don't think that places all the blame where it actually lies. These Muslims chose to fly; they could have walked instead, and the average American finds a walking Muslim to be 80% less scary. Now, these Muslims may have come on to the plane with no intention of blowing it up, but, being Muslim, you know they were thinking in the back of their heads, "If I blew up this plane, it would really teach those infidels. I'll contemplate this more if I don't feel like watching the in-flight movie."

So, the question becomes were these imams wanting to blow up the plane or only idly thinking about it? For that, let's look at their actions. The first thing they did was pray. I don't find that very threatening because I know my Jesus prayers are much more powerful than their angry Allah prayers, so I would have just prayed to counteract their prayers. But here is where things get scarier: The imams prayed a second time. I don't know if a Jesus prayer is two times as powerful as an angry Allah prayer, but I do know that praying a second time would not be an option for me because two prayers that close together would seem like I'm pestering God, and I'm always afraid of pestering God so much that He just stops listening to me at all.

The next threatening thing the imams did was to evenly distribute themselves throughout the airplane. Some were afraid this was tactical so the imams could quickly control all parts of the plane. There are many more innocent explanations, though, such as the imams just don't get along very well and felt the need to separate themselves. Also, they may just find each other to be smelly.

The imams were overheard invoking Osama bin Laden and condemning America for what they did to Saddam. That's really no more threatening than the rhetoric of the average liberal, but, if I had my way, I'd throw them off of flights too.

Finally, most suspiciously, some imams asked for seatbelt extenders when they weren't particularly rotund imams. Some believe they might have been planning to use these as weapons, but I don't find that threatening at all. If an imam charged me with a belt buckle, I'd just punch him in his dumb imam face. If a plane was hijacked using nothing but belt buckles, those people deserve to be blown up in my opinion. Now, bomb belts had more girth specifically around the waist, and, if the imams needed seatbelt extenders for that, then that's a bit more of a threat.

Overall, these imams were acting wacky enough that some investigation was required. Plane flights are bad enough with screaming kids and no leg room, and the last thing we need are imams running around praying and swinging belt buckles. Next time, if an airline knows imams will be boarding, they should ask them ahead of time whether they plan on killing everyone on the flight. If the imams say "Yes" or hesitates before saying "No," then maybe they shouldn't be let on the flight. If there is enough demand, airlines can make an imam-only flight which just flies over the ocean so that, if it blows up, no one gets hurt. As a bonus, everyone gets seatbelt extenders without even asking for them. I think that's a fair compromise.

Rating: 3.0/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 09:35 AM | Email This


1) (T/F) Harry is the groundskeeper at Springfield Elementary

2) Which Simpson character stole an Oscar?

3) What is the name of the Flanders' internet site?

4) Edna Krabappel's husband left her for what?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.0/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (4) | Simpsons Trivia
IMAO Rules!
Posted by Frank J. at 08:56 AM | Email This

I guess this is Cadet Happy's entry in the latest round of the photoshop contest with Sadly, No!. I believe the point of this round was incomprehensibility. It was close, but I think we totally won.


Rating: 2.2/5 (11 votes cast)

December 04, 2006
Fred Dubya-2 Day
Posted by Frank J. at 06:57 PM | Email This


Rating: 3.3/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (4)
Frank Advice on Political Appointments
Posted by Frank J. at 03:12 PM | Email This

People are resigning from the Bush administration, and thus President Bush needs to find replacements. Here are some of my ideas:

Mr. T: Mr. T is always a good choice for everything because he's a choice that will make you look tough since he's tough. In fact, if you look up "tough" in the dictionary, you'll find a picture of Mr. T staring at you with pity for being such a fool that you had to look up "tough" in the dictionary. Plus, I believe Mr. T is a minority of some sort, which gives you 2X point multiplier in the game of politics, drastically increasing your progress towards earning an extra life.

One of Those Aliens that Screech as They Jump and Latch onto Your Face: If you knew President Bush has one of those aliens things that jumps on people's faces in his cabinet, you'd probably leave him alone. This is a good appointment if President Bush just doesn't want to be bothered during his last two years.

A Robot: It will inevitably happen one day, so why doesn't President Bush be the first to appoint a robot to a political office. Of course, AI isn't really that great for robots yet, but it doesn't take complex programming for a robot to fulfill the functions of a political office. If you had a robot Ambassador to the UN, for instance, when it was going to a UN conference, all you would have to do is program it to kill whoever is talking and it would make a very effective American ambassador. That programming would also work for press conferences.

Rumsfeld with a Fake Mustache: "It's not Donald Rumsfeld. It's... uh... Ronald Dumsfeld! Yeah! That's the ticket!"

Frank J.: People are always saying, "Hey, Frank, you like to tell politicians what they should do, yet you're not willing to become one yourself. You're a chickenhawk!" Fine, I'll put my hat in the ring to become a politician. I'll allow President Bush to appoint me to some position on a few conditions. First, I shouldn't have to move to D.C. for it. I've lived in Maryland before, and I didn't like it. I don't see any reason in this day and age I can't just do my work at home at my own computer. Second, I shouldn't hear any complaints if I spend a lot of time blogging; that's how I think. Finally, the pay better be right. I'm not a charity worker. You want me to save the country, you better be willing to put up some big bucks for it. If the President does meet these conditions, he will get the smartest man available who can solve absolutely any problem that comes before him as long as you never take nukes off the table.

Rating: 2.6/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (26)
Condolences (Almost) All the Way Around
Posted by RightWingDuck at 02:49 PM | Email This

IMAO has suffered a loss. Unfortunately, Spacemonkey's Papaw (grandfather) recently passed away.

Lair lost a cat. It's name was Piper. I would offer condolences, but it's a cat. Buy another one, dammit! They sell them everywhere. Except for the fur patterns, they all look pretty much alike and all of them do absolutely nothing.

Spacemonkey's grandpa was a good man, who worked hard his whole life to raise a good family and pass on the values that make Spacemonkey the monkey (or man) that he is today. A result of the love, hard work, praise, correction, and love of God that perfuses the Spacemonkey family to this day.

My condolences go out to Spacemonkey and his family in this time of heartache.

Lair, you know I love you like the Jewish brother I never had. If you need a new cat, I can mail one to you.

Spacemonkey, call me when you get the chance.

Rating: 2.3/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (23)
Problem Solved
Posted by Frank J. at 12:26 PM | Email This

How I envision John Bolton's last day: Suddenly, the UN headquarters turns into an inferno, and the only figure to emerge from it's rubble is John Bolton with a blood-stained 'stache.

And thereafter he shall only be talked about in the world community in hushed whispers, for all now and evermore will...


Rating: 2.3/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (16)
Military Strategy in the Face of the Whine
Posted by Frank J. at 11:01 AM | Email This

I quickly hacked out a little thesis for the new direction of the military Friday (it was originally only going to be one or two paragraphs but then I just kept feeling like adding to it). It got a surprising reaction for something I wrote so quickly which I guess is just because people want simple answers to complex problems. I wasn't looking for a simple answer, though; I was just trying to come up with what can we realistically do militarily knowing a good portion of the American populace likes to whine.

Whining while the conflict is on helps the enemy because they think we'll give up, but whining after we devastate the enemy gives the enemy no comfort. So, the simple solution is to destroy all we can and leave. There will be lots of whining about how we left so many people dead and homes in ruins, but, with the troops out of the way, the whining no longer works as a weapon in support of the enemy. Right now, they think we'll go in, occupy, and then leave with our tail between our legs because we're weak-willed. If we just destroy tons of stuff and then head home without worry about how we left things, the enemy is not going to keep attacking us thinking, Sure, we'll all get slaughtered by the Americans, but then pundits will chastise them for months afterwards and they'll fell really bad about it - thus the last laugh will be ours!

Remember: These people will try to make a victory out of any of our stumbles no matter how ridiculous (Osama thinks he won the Cold War), but even they can't turn us feeling bad about slaughtering their people into a success.

Now, I'd love to help the people of the Middle East have freedom and democracy, but I just don't think that's realistic because of the whiners. Because so many Americans are going to whine if we try to stay and fix things, we'll just have to settle on devastation with no rebuilding. The only way to combat the whine is to do quick, destructive military operations and get out before the whine can start in full force, leaving many innocent foreigners dead and dying. Because liberals whine, innocent people are going to have to suffer and die. I'd like to think we could get things done even with the whining, but Iraq seems to show that not to be true. The whining keeps making the enemy think we will give up and leave, so they keep attacking.

So, if we don't want to adopt a much harsher military strategy that will leave all other countries in ruins, should we shoot the whiners? I dunno. I really wonder how they were dealt with back in the day. My guess was that during the turn of the century conditions were so harsh that many of the future whiners died of whooping cough or something before they were old enough to properly undermine our country. Then again, maybe there were a lot of whiners during WWII. I mean, we were bombed by the Japanese, yet we lost thousands and thousands fighting the Germans. Are you telling me there were no sissies whining about that? Well, I guess I could look up evidence on that, but I like anecdotal evidence even better, so I'll call my Grandma and ask about it tonight. Even though she wasn't in the military, she worked hard for the war effort and even risked her life. If someone were to call her a "chickenhawk" for wanting a war with the Nazis, I'd punch that guy so hard in his nads that no existing medical science would be able to help him have kids.

That’s one hard nad punch!

If you have living resources to consult as well, ask about the whiners of WWII. Hopefully the wisdom of the greatest generation will help us deal with the idiots of our day.

Rating: 2.3/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (8)
I Want My Dubya 2!
Posted by Frank J. at 10:09 AM | Email This

I want a Nintendo Wii. Where are they? Why don't videogame makers like making enough videogame systems anymore? Are they forgetting the supply part of supply and demand?

Anyway, I'm like an influential blogger; I should get a Nintendo Wii so I'll talk about it on my blog. Actually, how does one become an official videogame reviewer, as those guys seem to get everything early?

Anyhoo, if you see a Nintendo Wii, buy it, and don't feel like selling it for a thousand bucks on eBay, you can send it to me and I'll be forever grateful... or at least grateful until the next must have system comes out.

Rating: 2.5/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (11)
Sadly, [complete your own joke]
Posted by Frank J. at 09:17 AM | Email This

Cadet Happy's photoshop duel with Sadly, No! continues, this time Gavin M. making this round about remixing Chris Muir's Day by Day comic. Lefties really hate that comic because of its frank depiction of sexuality.

One of the dulers has a comic up (this time we're not saying who made what), and Gavin M. went ahead and posted it. I'll wait until I have both to put them up here. And one more thing...


(someone have the sound clip so I can complete the effect?)

Rating: 2.1/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Because IMAO Needs Even More Opportunities to Get Linked (Plus Discussion of the Gay Superman)
Posted by Frank J. at 09:03 AM | Email This

John Hawkins is restarting Conservative Grapevine, a site devoted to daily links. He explains here how you can help submit said links. Check it out.

John Hawkins also rented and really really hated Superman Returns. While I found the movie way too touchy-feely and lacking in action, I think Hawkins's criticism is a bit unfair. For one, the making fun of the glasses disguise for Superman/Clark Kent is something people have been doing forever, and you if you can't just give that a pass because that's part of Superman's history, then you're setting yourself up to not like the film.

I was once curious on how people could explain why that disguise would ever work, so I turned to the one place you would count on for lengthy discussions of every aspect of every comic book character: Wikipedia! I think the best explanation of why people wouldn't immediately realize that Clark Kent is Superman is that no one would think that Superman has an alter ego. If you had god-like powers, why in the world would you waste anytime posing as a milquetoast newspaper reporter?

Rating: 2.6/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (11)
Posted by sarahk at 08:54 AM | Email This

We've had two deaths in the family at IMAO. spacemonkey's Papaw passed away this weekend. and Lair's Piper died last night. :-(

Rating: 2.7/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 08:16 AM | Email This


1) (T/F) In her imaginery future, Lisa becomes engaged to a man from Mars

2) How many puppies does Santa's Little Helper's mate give birth to?

3) What is the Bleeding Gums Murphy album that Bart buys Lisa?

4) Bart is caught shoplifting which video game?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.4/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (3) | Simpsons Trivia
December 03, 2006
Plains for Plains
Posted by Laurence Simon at 08:52 PM | Email This

For the first time in his life, Jimmy Carter comes up with plans that don't involve Jews dying.

Rating: 3.4/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 10:38 AM | Email This


1) (T/F) Homer eats Khlau Kalash when he visits New York

2) Belle runs which revered Springfield establishment?

3) What is the name of the travelling rock concert that Homer joins?

4) What is the name of Springfield Elementary's yearbook?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 1.9/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (3) | Simpsons Trivia
December 02, 2006
The mystery concerning . . .
Posted by Frank J. at 12:14 PM | Email This

. . . Brintey Spears's missing underwear has been solved . . .


Rating: 3.4/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (23)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 09:24 AM | Email This


1) (T/F) Princess Opal is a psychic who sometimes helps Fat Tony

2) What does Race Banyon do?

3) What is the name of Bart's deformed twin brother in a "Treehouse of Horror" episode?

4) Who is Troy McClure's agent?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.6/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (4) | Simpsons Trivia
December 01, 2006
What is Mahmoud Abbas Praying For? #14
Posted by Laurence Simon at 01:30 PM | Email This

It's Friday, so you know it's time for the wire services to post the non sequitur non-news story of Mahmoud Abbas praying at a mosque.

However, this week's different... this week we're going to start a new feature called:


So, from Mahmoud Abbas' expressions, can you tell what Mahmoud Abbas is praying for?

Is it:

a) Representative-elect Keith Ellison to stop sending fruit baskets. The apricots are killing him.

b) For his aides to stop rummaging through his trashbin for food. The apricots are killing them, too.

c) You know that knick-nack paddywhack give a dog a bone, song? What the hell is a paddywhack?

d) Those bloody bells to stop! Where do we keep the guided missiles? Is there any way we can stop sending the inventory to Beit Hanun for a day and use some Qassams on those damned Bethlehem bastards?

e) To win this weekly Simon Says competition for once so he can wear the hat and the dress.

f) Willie to eat his heart out. Sing it, Johnny Otis!



Put your guesses in the comments.

Rating: 3.0/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (17)
Random Friday Notes from Ducky
Posted by RightWingDuck at 11:45 AM | Email This

I’m always glad to help a fellow blogger. Annika (Author of my favorite comic - Peter Pumpkin ) would like to see one of her posts featured at her local paper’s blog site. You can make that happen for her – if you vote.

The Story is Titled The End of the CD Era.

It’s about the dreamy reflections of a store, Tower Records, and its sad demise. Or maybe it’s about a boy and his young dog. I forget. But you should register, vote, and – if you have time – read the article (Listed in the group Week of December 3rd) . It’s not half bad. Believe me, I know half-bad – I write for IMAO.

On a personal note, I recently picked up satellite radio. Loyal IMAO readers know that I was bummed over the format change at KZLA. That radio station switched from Country music to modern hip hop. Which means that they abandoned the market of people who drive by with rifles in their pick ups in favor of those who drive by and do a drive by.

As of this point I have to say – I LOVE IT! I chose XM over Sirius for the simple reason that XM does NOT have Howard Stern. I can't help it. It's a quality I admire in a company.

It has a bunch of country music stations plus a couple of stations that play nothing but stand up comedy. After having listened to the comedy channels for a couple of days, let me share this observation with you: most stand up comedians SUCK!! I should set the goal this year of hitting some open mike here in So Cal. I’ll record them and if I don’t totally suck, even post them on the IMAO podcast.

Some good posts are ready to go, as soon as Mr. Cadet Happy stops being distracted by the latest Photoshop wars and can give me the images I asked him for. That’s a hint, Mr. Happy. That’s a hint.

Have a good weekend. More funny coming on Monday.

Rating: 2.2/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (7)
Maybe We Should Go Back to Only Using the Military to Kill and Destroy
Posted by Frank J. at 10:25 AM | Email This

For the next war, we should totally just blaze into a country, bombing everything followed by ground troops to kill off the country's government. Then we just leave.

As soon as people start complaining that we left the country in turmoil and all the innocent people are suffering, we say, "Hey, last time we invaded a country and stayed to help, you whined about it. Thus, we will no longer stay and help countries after we devastate them. These people are suffering because you whined. It's your fault."

I, for one, know the military - and especially my brother - would like this policy a lot better. Actually, if the people shouting "Chickenhawk!" all the time got their way and only people in the military made decisions on wars, that's exactly what would happen. My brother, like many Marines, joined the military to kill evil foreigners, not to build schools. Do you have any idea how few casualties we'd take if our sole goal was to go into a country, kill all the readily available targets, and leave? Do you also know how much cheaper that would be? Plus, if we actually just left Iraq right after we had that infamous "Mission Accomplished" banner, the whole Middle East would be talking about that huge Iraq military win because we totally kicked the crap out of Iraq. The only reason the conflict doesn't look like a clear-cut victory is because we stayed after the crap-kicking to try and make friends.

America is big; we don’t need friends.

I now think liberals have had this issue right all along: We need to just go into countries, destroy them, and then leave them to rot. If you don't want your country destroyed, make sure it's only pestering France and not us.

So, maybe I'm changing my position: I'm for cutting and running. Then, we got into Iran gun blazing, and, a couple days later, cut and run again. Then North Korea. If a new evil government comes up in place of the ones we destroy, we just do it again. It's really not that hard for us to go into a country, destroy as much as we can, and leave considering our technological and training advantages. Plus, it's a lot more fun. I'd totally join the reserves if that was our policy.

"For your one weekend this month, instead of training, we're going to destroy Syria. You might want to call work and tell them you may be in late on Monday."

"Can we bring beer and bacon for this invasion?"

"Sure. The military has returned to its old policy of having complete and utter disdain for all other cultures."


That would be sweet. A lot of us really want to kill terrorists but wouldn't want to use more than a week's vacation for it. With shorter invasions, that makes terrorists killing more accessible to the general populace.

So, can we get a politician to push this or do I actually have to run for office?

Rating: 2.5/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (43)
Friday Catblogging
Posted by Laurence Simon at 09:38 AM | Email This

Since it's Friday, I thought I'd spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka "I-MEOW").

The other IMAO bloggers are busy working up their end-of-the-month reports, but I've got a template for mine, so I've got time to waste on this stupid stuff.

Anyway, it's time for Piper the Hoarder:

If you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Piper is... um...

Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.

You can find more examples of Friday catblogging by searching a blog search engine such as Technorati for "catblogging."

You can also find a roundup of catblogging posts at The Friday Ark, located at The Modulator blog.

Then, when the weekend is nearly over, head over to The Carnival of the Cats for more kitty goodness.

There's also Flickr Groups called Furry Friday and Friday Catblogging.

Anybody I miss?

Rating: 2.3/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Today's Simpsons Trivia
Posted by Harvey at 09:02 AM | Email This


1) What is the name of the graffiti vandal that has Springfield under siege?

2) In the Krusty the Clown Show's opening cheer, what do the kids say they'll do if the show is ever cancelled?

3) According to Moe, why is the prank caller going to be so tough to catch?

4) Where do the Simpsons keep their dictionary?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Rating: 2.3/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (4) | Simpsons Trivia

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