Brandon Rogers has been a background singer for Anastasia and Christina Aguilera. He's singing "You Were Always on My Mind". He has a good tone, but he's getting pitchy in quite a few spots. If he were a cruise ship, I would be a little seasick. But the judges are all over him. They love him like Joe Biden loves Barak Obama. I believe Olivia Newton-John might even have remarked about how clean he is. I think he will be good, but again, I heard that a lot differently than the judges did, and I did not get the flittery chillywoos like Paula and Olivia did. Simon said best of the day. Okay.

Brian Miller got knocked out in Hollywood week last year and is back this year. Based on the voice and the adorable boy looks, I'd say yes.

Sherman Pore, 64, is singing a song for his lady who just died of cancer ("You Belong to Me"), two days before the audition. Their project was getting signatures for his petition to audition for AI, and he thinks that lifted her spirits while she was fighting the cancer. Even Simon doesn't give him a hard time and asks to shake his hand when he's done singing.

And OF COURSE I've got big ol' tears in my eyes. That was sweet.

Cavett and Darold are all over each other and are both auditioning. I have so many comments I could make. I won't. Anyway, two notes out of her mouth, and I'm sure she won't make it, because wow, I... just can't comment. Because if I say what that sounded like, y'all will think I'm commenting on her appearance, and I'm not. And she's singing about going down. That's highly inappropriate, and now she's flirting with Simon and winking and licking her lips, etc. And Darold is no better. They're made for each other. Two peas in a pod.

Eric Mueller is the last contestant of the day, and his falsetto is so high that only Justin Timberlake could hit that... if someone kicked him in the gralls!

Oh. AT&T is a sponsor of American Idol. I guess we can't watch it anymore. Sorry, y'all.

Next week it's San Antonio.

As for Minister Farrakhan's prostate, try harder next time, dammit!

1. The great thing about Obama is that I don’t need to learn Ebonics

**

Anything else?

Any other compliments?

Post in comments.

Victoria Watson has Crystal Gayle hair. She's a very sweet girl. She's singing "You Raise Me Up" by Josh Groban. She has a pretty voice but it's not Idol standard. Very nice when they told her no, though. No, please don't cry, because you're nice, and you'll make me sad, and I've been beaten down for two whole days and don't need to be sad tonight. But best of luck to you.

Lakia Hall. No no no no no no no no no. There is no reason for that ever to have been broadcast into my livingroom. No no. That was not nerves. What people say you can sing? No no. Don't do that. Ever.

Haha. Did y'all see that Ford commercial? Watch the text at the bottom of the screen. I thought it was going to be roughly the standard text.

Nichole Gatzman. She has the beginnings of a good voice but misses a fifth and goes up a third instead (or something like that) in "Something to Talk About". Randy says she's not ready yet but to keep trying. She's not bad, though, so she really should keep trying. She's just young. I was

Brandy Patterson is singing "Like a Virgin", and... oh. Then "Proud Mary". Wow. Um. She goes on for about ten minutes. We're cracking up at Simon cracking up because she is just so out there.

Tomorrow the auditions are in L.A. So if they get through to Hollywood, I guess the judges say "welcome to here."

* Global climate change can affect crops. If you have crops, watch for affects.

* Carbon dioxide is blamed for much of the warming by how the gas traps heat in the earth like a Gortex coat traps heat in your body. That's why the warming of the earth is called the Gortex coat effect.

* Well, I call it that.

* The earth can also naturally go through cycles of climate change, but many scientist will declare you a heretic and burn you at the stake if you mention that.

* Al Gore has long warned the world about the dangers of global warming but no one listens to him because he's alternately crazy or boring.

* President Bush has promised that, if he determines global climate change to be a problem, he will deploy the military to shoot and bomb it.

* Gore made a movie about how global warming will drown and then boil us. It consists entirely of Al Gore talking to a slide show. Previously, scientists thought that the level or narcotics needed to think that's a great idea for a film is so high that it would instantly kill a man, but the producer who green lighted the film is alive today.

* Gore has a metal globe of the world in his office which has metals coils on the inside that heat it to an extreme temperature. When someone comes into the office, touches the globe, and yelps in pain, Gore shouts, "Now you know the dangers of global warming!"

* He's crazy!

* If you think you see a climate change, notify a local scientist so he can get a huge grant.

* If global warming trends continue, scientists say you may be forced to wear a tank top in public.

* Temperatures could increase as much as 10 degrees Fahrenheit by the end of the century. So, if it's like 30 degrees out now, in a hundred years it will be 40 degrees out. If that doesn't scare, I don't know what can.

* The Kyoto Treaty was made to get countries to reduce their Gortex coat gas emissions. In act of conservation, America used the treaty to wipe its ass instead of wastefully buying toilet paper.

* It's said that global warming is melting our glaciers. Without glaciers, we will no longer be able to... What are glaciers used for again?

* With all the ice melting, most of Florida could be flooded. With the housing market as it is, it will be nearly impossible for me to sell my house and make a profit if it's underwater.

* if the Kyoto Treaty were adopted, part of the regulations would force NASCAR racers to carpool.

* In a fight between Aquaman and global climate change, some of Aquaman's fish friends would perish while other would thrive. Such is the ecosystem.

* Many say that global warming would be a good thing for crops and barbecues. It is suspected that the anti-warming crusade was started by the Burlington Coat Factory when it feared it would lose business.

* If you ever say, "Man, I wish it were a bit warmer out," you're part of the problem and are worse than Hitler.

* The only way to defeat global climate change is to be a bunch of gay socialists, so say leading scientists and the EU.

We all know that Frank wants to nuke the Moon, right?

Well, before he nukes the moon, we need to run a simulation of the whole moon-nuking thing.

Since simulators are horribly expensive to purchase, difficult to run, a bear to maintain, and impossible break into when nobody's looking, we've settled on this Second Life thing as a reasonable alternative.

Not only does it have a Physics engine in there running in the background, but dollar sconvert to Lindens at a decidedly advantageous rate to the real people moving into Second Life.

Man, do I feel sorry for all those fake people trying to convert their Lindens into real dollars when they come out here into the First Life. And let's see they try to do those dance moves they do in there... or get around by flying and teleporting.

But anyway, I was picked at the Official IMAO Second Life Nuke The Moon Project guinea pig ("Make that lazy good-for-nothing Jew do it!" I think was what FrankJ said between episodes of 24 on DVD) , so I've jumped in and started the process of researching what exactly would happen if the moon were nuked.

Here I am, a tuxedo-wearing midget, standing with a guitar for absolutely no reason whatsoever:

"I punish the donkey."

In the coming weeks, I'll be working on setting up a test area to:

• Build the nuke
• Build the delivery system
• Fire the nuke at the moon
• Record the results

Of course, in the meantime, I'm still trying to learn the basic physics of the land...

"I have not eaten in three days. Call my embassy."

Whoops. Thought the sign said parking on the roof.

My bad.

WHAT REALLY HAPPENED

Nardo's right eye has pigmentation disorder, so it reflects the flash in a really cool way.

Obama was once a member of the Jackson Five.

He left because of an ego clash.

Obama was later sent away by an abusive Jackson father who shipped him off to Indonesia where he was purchased at a local Orphan Market. Later, he came back to America where he would show up at Michael Jackson concerts and sit in the front row while giving Michael a stone cold glare.

True fact. Obama has that other sequined glove. Michael simply refused to make a big deal out of it.

The rest is history.

TELL YOUR FRIENDS!!

Fania Tsakalakos. She is from Athens and New Jersey. I will say for her that she is dressed modestly. And she was very nice when she got the big "No". Everything else was odd and just... no. But she was nice.

Ashanti Johnson is a repeat customer. Twice in Hollywood? Why is her eyeshadow two different colors? I mean on the different eyes, a different color. Oh! Did she just swallow a canary? Dude. Carole Bayer Sager totally looks like Joan Collins right there. And Ashanti is begging from the depths of her soul now with a prepared monologue. You're done, sweetie. Get over yourself. And since you want to know what America thinks, and I'm one American... I would not have voted for that canary you swallowed that made my eyebrows join my hairline. Sorry. It's a no.

The BFF Saga

Oh goodness. Next up are Paris and Nicole. Or Paris and Brit and Lindsay. Or whichever two are best friends this weekend. Both very pretty, both very talkative in their little story clip. So the duet thing is an absolute trainwreck, and Simon recommends they split up for the audition. So Amanda Coluccio sings first, and she sings "Crazy" by Patsy Cline. It's ok, and you can tell she has a good voice, but she's nervous and goes off-key a few times. She's the one with more stage presence, more personality. The judges aren't "Crazy" about her, but they can tell she's nervous and decide to push her through to Hollywood. You can tell that the judges are just so tired by the time they've gotten to New York, that they're like, "Yeah, whatever, you're not crappy, you'll do." They're thankful to not have crap. Not to say she won't be good. But two seasons ago, she would have been a no, or been asked to sing another song.

Amanda gets her ticket to Hollywood, hugs her best friend and runs out of the room. Which I'm thinking is kinda sorry of her, because her best friend stuck around for moral support, but there goes Amanda right out of the room. No moral support for you, sorry! Gotta go celebrate. Her friend is genuinely happy for her. I can tell, because my Tivo freeze frame says so.

Next up is BFF#2, Antonella Barba. I can tell the first couple of bars in, she's better than Amanda. Those are the facts, I just lay them out. And her audition is better. Paula and Simon both say so, too. Four immediate yeses from the judges, and Paula tells her not to ever say "she's trained and I'm not". Antonella says, "Well, also, she didn't have her best audition. She's really good." LOL, Simon gives her showbiz advice and says to kick her while she's down. She says no way, not my best friend and walks out with her ticket to Hollywood.

Awkwardness afterward when BFF#1 Amanda asks, "So what did they say to you after I left? What were their comments to you? Do you think they thought you were good?" No, dufus, they let me through just as a favor to you because you were so, like, totally awesome! BFF#2 should have slapped BFF#1. BFF#2 was sooo diplomatic. "Oh yeah. Paula said that I should never say that you're trained and I'm not, because I was really good." And BFF#1 says, "Oh, good!" BFF#2 left out the part about the judges liking BFF#2 better.

I bet Lean Cuisine night was fun for them tonight. BFF#1 should be very grateful for BFF#2 sticking up for her.

End The BFF Saga... For Now!

Clifton Biddle. He plays the harmonica, just like Taylor Hicks. But he talks really slowly. He likes making people scream. Yes, so do serial killers. What is the DEAL with people starting their songs with the lead-in claps and stomps tonight? He's a yeller.

An astronaut, now that's one I hadn't thought of. I hope he sang "Fly Me to the Moon". Or "Moon River". Or "Moon and New York City", incredibly apropos.

Kia Thornton is singing "Ain't No Way" by Aretha Franklin. She can sing, it's a yes from me.

New York Day 2
brought to you by the Homedics Shiatsu Massaging Back Cushion

Jenry Bejarano. Wow, he's only 16? He has a very nice voice, great audition. I say yes. Except he spells Henry with a J, and that weirds me out. I'll try to look past it.

Nakia. Paula is so not into her. Oh no. "Dancing in the Streets". I abhor that song. I actually thought she sang it well, which makes me abhor myself. And then they make her sing a second song and ask her to sing with less energy, and she sings "Dreamin'", a much slower song. It's bad, because her voice is exposed, and it's a no from the judges. She can't handle it. She says she can't handle hearing no anymore, and not just with singing. That's very sad. She seems nice, but this is not American Fix All Your Problems. I'm sorry, I'm just pointing out the obvious. You're all thinking it. Except Socialism O'Donnell, who wants the judges to let her through just because she's nice, forget that it's a singing competition, and wants me to pay for everyone else's daycare and health care and boob jobs and tooth laminates. Pardon me for wanting to spend my money on my own life and letting you plan for your own.

Oh, I'm sorry, how did that political semi-rant get in there? My bad. The kids aren't saying that anymore, either. I know. I'm not even saying that anymore.

Sarah Goldberg. She, too, is singing "Dreaming". Joan Collins just asked "Do you really think you can sing?" and she said "No." She's sure she can be the next American Idol because... Oh, I can't even do this. I can't type. I'm laughing too hard. And now I'm just staring. I actually agree with Rosie at this moment. She's clinically insane. She thinks she can be the next American Idol because they can teach her to sing. Her friends laugh at her tonedeafness all the time, and still she came to audition. She's my all-time favorite clinically insane (allegedly, of course) American Idol contestant. EVER! I LOVE HER! I need a catchphrase for her. She kept saying, "That is RUDE!" over and over. I guess that's it. I'll go back and watch her again later, but she was BRILLIANT! Actually, the only thing she needed to complete her outfit was the stick pony. You know, with the stuffed horse head and the stick body? So the catchphrase, which will come from her FOR SURE, will either be, "That is RUDE!" or "Dear Buddha, please bring me a pony and a plastic rocket." (Firefly reference)

Antonio Torres Jr. is 47 and has lost his Ks. He sings about "New Yor New Yor". What a frea.

Jory Steinberg. She's a Canadian living in Santa Monica. Canada + California. That's 2 strikes. :-D She can sing, but I'll hold a grudge to Hollywood. She even sang a song that referenced that weird Canadian letter "Zed". Unless you're Weird Al, that's not ok here in MexAmeriCanada, Sparky. Off with yer head! The judges LOVE her.

Porcelana Patino. She has trained herself 8 hours a day (physically), plus the singing, for an entire year to get ready for her audition. I wasn't blown away by the singing (it was good, just not great to me), but I can hear potential, so I'm fine with her going through, especially hearing the other ehs who have been getting through and knowing how hard she works. She gives Randy, Paula, and Joan/Carole a group hug that Simon wants no part of. Oh, and mind your crack, sweetie.

Girls who wear the ultra-low-rises should really mind the cracks. Aaaaand. LOL. I had no idea Ryan was straight. He's totally checking out the crack while she's hugging her boyfriend! I love the moments that the camera catches when the people are clueless.

Oh, a montage! Apparently Olivia Newton-John is going to guest-judge later this season. She's in the montage.

Christopher Henry. A Simon Cowell lookalike? I would have said Ryan Seacrest. I'm sure Simon would love to hear that. Yes, George Michael too, but I would have said Seacrest. Oh snap. He's singing "Before Your Love". She? He, I think. Ouch, I think my earwax just jumped out of my ear in protest. That was high, out of tune, and offensive. Shame on you. I had to rewind to get his name, and I usually just let it play while I type, but I couldn't bear to do that. I had to fast forward. Oh. Paula just called Simon a sphincter. Except she used that ugly name for it that y'all know I won't type on a blog. :-)

Rachel Zevita, 18, goes to school for opera. If they find out she's there, she's going to get kicked out. Don't worry. No one watches this show. They'll never find out. They make her sing three different songs, and in my opinion, she's outstanding on all three. She does rock, pop, opera, and she's fantastic. I LOVE her. Randy is done after three seconds of the rock song, but Joan saves her. She says, "I like that, I want to hear something different." After the pop song, Simon thinks it's scary, so Randy wants to hear opera, and she kills on that one too. Simon asks who she wants to be. She says, "Every week you guys pick something different. I can sing anything." I believe her. She says she's a singer, a songwriter, a rockstar. I hope so.

Chris Richardson. He said "interpretated". I cannot take him seriously. I don't care how well he sings. He said "interpretated". One too many syllables. Too bad. Such a nice voice. It's a no from me but a yes from the judges. I just know that if he's a big star, he'll act like K-Fed or something. Interpretated by me, he could turn out to be a media nightmare.

Nicholas Pedro bowed out of the competition last year because he couldn't learn "Build Me Up Buttercup" in time for his group song in Hollywood. Not a hard song. He's singing "Fly Me to the Moon", and it's really good (does go offkey once, maybe twice, but just barely), but will he crack up in Hollywood again? Maybe he'll take it seriously this time. We shall see. He gets another shot.

Isadora Furman is a clairvoyant. Please don't be better than Sarah Goldberg, because she just became my all-time favorite and deserves so much more time at the top. She's singing that "Lady Marmalade" song. No really. And dancing around with a tambourine. And a white satin hat. In clogs. It's hideous. And now she just went into another song.

Winner: Sarah Goldberg. I LOVE her. Dear Buddha, Please bring me a pony and a plastic rocket... That's so RUDE!

I don't know which I like better. You decide.

Airborne pathogens.

Wandera Hitchye. I thought she was pretty good. Not crazy about the hair or the necklace of scrubbing bubbles, but I liked the raspy gospel voice. Man, I hate it when they go out of the room and just go crazy insane and scream at the camera and start flipping the bird and ripping off clothes. Where did these people learn how to act in public?

BTW, I’m loving all the shots of Simon playing on his Crackberry when contestants come into the room. He must be texting with his hot girlfriend. I luv u, baby. Missin u! xoxox much luv, Sweetums.

Travis McKinney. What in the world world world was that that that?

Danielle McCulloch. I kinda like that top. If it had sleeves I would wear it. It’s kinda Chloe O’Brien on a self-conscious date. The song. She went a little off-key at the end, and she didn’t blow me away… I’m a sucker for the high notes, and I’m not sure she can hit them, but she’s really good in the lower registers. So we’ll see what she can do. I think she’ll be good for a few rounds, but I don’t think she’ll go much farther than Melissa McGhee (who I also liked).

Topher McCain. His wife left him because she (allegedly) didn't like honoring marriage vows. He sang "Footloose". And he got to go on national TV and tell the world that his wife is an adulteress and call her a bi***. Good on 'im. I only get to talk about my ex-husband like that on my blog, so there you go.

Paula is wearing a heart right in front of her collar bone.

Janita Burks. She is talking about dressing sexily but conservatively. She thinks the judges will see her as innocent, sexy, well-put-together, conservative... and she is spilling out everywhere. Not a whole lot of material on the top part of that innocent dress... concoction thingy. And she's singing Disco Inferno, a most innocent song. And then the start of something else.

Sean Michel from Bryant, Arkansas. "We're all kinda poor on the inside." Whatever, shut up. He looks like Castro and is singing "God's Gonna Cut You Down", the Johnny Cash song that is currently on my running playlist on my iPod. Ran to it today, actually. I did not expect that voice to come out of that beard. I love his tone;I say yes. The judges are surprised -- Simon was expecting something about the revolution. Maybe they can get him a stylist when he gets to Hollywood, no? They all say yes, starting with Simon, who raises his eyebrows at himself.

Melinda Doolittle, a professional background singer. Paris Bennett 2.0. She's really good. My only hangup is that she's going to be exactly what we had last year with Paris. Am I alone on this? Anyway, I want to hear more of her in Hollywood and see if I'm wrong. She's not as raspy as Paris, but really trilly like that. I could do with less trills, I guess that's what I'm trying to say.

Robert Lee Holmes. He writes stories, and the current story of his life ends with a period. Good gracious. What is he pointing at? You know, in HD, everything is so much clearer.

The judges are ruthless this season. They just laugh at everyone. And not Simon, it's Paula and Randy. And then Ryan just deadpans everyone and pretends to be their friend.

And that guy just pulled a towel out of his fly.

Philip Stacy. You couldn't have found another audition city? There are 8 or so. You have 9 months' warning. So you left your wife to deliver your baby so you could go audition for American Idol. You left your 9-months-pregnant wife at home. You are a prat. I hope you don't make it through. Too bad, too, because the voice wasn't awful. The beginning was bad, but it got better. No, Paula and Randy are wrong. He starts his songs poorly, and then they get better, just like Simon said. Either way, I don't like him because of the whole ditching his wife to audition thing. Yes, I dislike complete strangers. That's me, SarahK. Nice to meet you.

And I'll say again. I'd prefer to see fewer of the duds and more of the goods.

Tomorrow is New York.

This week, we'll be getting run over by a rocket car going 700 mph on the Bonneville Salt Flats as we visit Utah. So let's get started...

Utah became the 45th state on January 4th, 1896. It was originally founded by a group of Mormons from Illinois in search of a new food supply after they'd hunted the local population of lime jello to extinction.

The state song of Utah is "Hooray for Sacred Undergarments!"

Utah gets its name from the Navajo Indian word meaning, "yet another unreadably boring holy book".

Utah has a professional basketball team - the Utah Jazz. No one's sure where they got the black guys for it, since the state is 50% whiter than the NHL and the American Polo League combined.

Utah is home to America's first department store, the Zions Co-operative Mercantile Institution. It operates today as ZCMI, after having won the trademark infringement lawsuit against Zionist Conspiracy Members International.

The state motto of Utah is "7 am is NOT too early to ring doorbells for Jesus".

The Mormon Temple in Salt Lake City took 40 years to complete. It would've been done sooner, but the workers were required to take church-mandated "conception breaks".

That's Mormon for "nooners".

And when you have 30 wives, that makes for some LONG lunch hours.

The Rainbow Bridge is the world's largest natural-rock span, at 278 feet long. Geologists theorize that the stone beneath the arch was slowly worn away over the years by repeated impacts from an unlucky yet persistent coyote.

Utah's license plates have black lettering over a desert image background and feature the slogan "Annoying, yet SO nicely dressed".

Utah's Great Salt Lake covers 2100 square miles with average depth of 13 feet. The salt concentration of the lake is approximately that of the rim of a margarita glass.

Salt Lake City was originally called Great Salt Lake City. The word Great was eventually dropped, as the locals consider it a curse word - for example when used in such obscenities as "Great Caeser's Ghost!" and "Great Googly Moogly!".

The state symbol of Utah is the beehive, which represents thrift, industry, and an insanely high birth rate.

The state animal of Utah is the Rocky Mountain Oyster.

Utah's Wasatch mountain range is named after a Ute Indian word meaning "Wazzzup!"

During WWII, the Alta, Utah, ski center served as a training ground for the paratroopers from the 10th Mountain Regiment, which is currently known as "The Xtreme Dew Crew Dudes!"

Utah's annual precipitation varies from 5 inches in the desert regions to 60 inches in the mountains, in clear violation of the Federal Rainfall Fairness Act.

Damn Utah and it's evil precipitationist discrimination!

In 2002, Salt Lake City was the host of the XIX Olympic Winter Games. The event was a resounding success, marred only by the controversy over banning coffee as a performance-enhancing drug.

Utah's nickname is the "Pass The Sanka State"

Fillmore, Utah served as it's capital when it was still a territory. I was named for US President Millard Fillmore. The only other thing ever inspired by "America's Boringest President" is a lame, right-wing comic strip which features a mallard and all the political subtlety of PeTA protesting at a KFC.

The city of Kanab is known as "Utah's Little Hollywood, because of the large number of motion pictures filmed in the area, including the new Wachowski Brothers film "Matrix: Decaffeinated".

Beaver, Utah is the birthplace of Philo T. Farnsworth, the inventor of television. Which is ironic, since half the time you can't even say the name of his hometown on TV without getting bleeped.

Salt Lake City, Utah, is the only state capital whose name contains three words, except for What's That Smell, New Jersey.

Utah was originally part of Mexico before the Mexican-American war. It was used by the Mexicans as an internment camp for deranged mental patients who swore using words like: 'darn', 'fetch', 'flip', 'heck', 'shoot', and 'sugar'.

The Spanish word for Utah translates roughly as "Ned Flanders".

Utah has over 11,000 miles of fishing streams, which are filled with rainbow trout and secret stashes of Coca-Cola.

65% of the land in Utah is owned by the federal government. The fact that 65% of the state is a barren, lifeless wasteland is just a coincidence.

The television series "Touched By An Angel" was filmed in Utah, as was its low-rated spin-off, "Suing An Angel For Sexual Harrassment".

Utah has the highest literacy rate in the nation, as long as you define "literacy" to exclued any words that would trigger a PG-13 rating.

---

That wraps up the Utah edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be wondering how to get that hippie smell out of our maple syrup as we visit Vermont.

Now if you'll excuse me, it's time for a conception break.

According to Kos, "ridiculously effective" for doing such things as stopping "smoking privileges near the House floor."

So, does anyway care about terrorism anymore or are we now done with that issue?

If you just want to listen to my story, it is here. However, you'll miss out on the horribly obtuse commentary by the three judges who don't realize that my story was square on about what I'd to for world peace.

After all, I'm a bloodthirsty neocon on a site suggesting that we nuke the moon, right?

Video Announcement: I support animal rights.

*
Video Announcement: There is nothing to worry about.

Video Announcement: I love the Yankeees.

You know, I thought the last letter from Kofi to Yasser was the last one ever... I was working on a new series of letters from Fidel Castro to Pope John Paul II... but KOFI JUST REFUSES TO GO INTO THAT DARK NIGHT QUIETLY!

Sheesh.

Milo again notices that Morris is not working on what Milo wants him to work on. Morris says Chloe has tasked him, but Chloe says she hasn't. The obvious thing is that Morris is a mole, but that's way too obvious. So are they making it way too obvious so we'll think it's way too obvious and be surprised when it's true? Here's what I think. Morris has found a mole and is trying to prove it. Frank thinks that's a deadhorse subplot. I'm ok with mole subplots. But not stupid sister and daughter whose stupidity gets other people into danger and diverts attention from important things like fighting terrorists subplots.

At the White House, they're discussing nuclear casualties. As soon as Karen says "hundreds of thousands," Wayne says, "Get me Jack Bauer." That sounds about right. We just tried to kill him a couple of hours ago, let's ask him to fix this! He'll say yes, because he's an idiot. And I hate him.

Rico is still pushing Assad out. "There is no us. There is us, and there's you." See, Curtis gets it. I'm so sad, knowing this is his last hour. All because he gets it. Make sure to remember that this guy you're supposedly working with is a twenty year terrorist. I'm sure Walid Shoebat is all nice to you now, but you don't go from knowing he's the bad guy to being best friends in a matter of beepy boopy hours. Disclaimer (before y'all get all correcty on me since I hate your superhero now): I don't know Shoebat's story, I'm just saying, we probably didn't trust that guy and give him a key to the Oval Office the minute he said, "Hey, I'm a good guy now!"

President Waynewreck wants Jack to take control of the search for bin Diesel. You know, after everything we've already asked for, and us sacrificing you all the time and whatnot. Do us a favor? Jack says, "Of course, Mr. President. My life is a joke. I'll do anything for a free cheese pizza. And since you're in charge of the country, no one will notice if I hose it all up, because they'll think I was acting on your orders. You know, since you're the worst president in the history of the country." Waynewreck tells Jack to report to Bill. "Oh, and call me anytime. Since we're such good friends and I like to sacrifice you for the team and stuff."

Jack tells Curtis that he is in charge of the search, and he really needs Curtis to work with Assad. Because Jack can't do this without Curtis's help. "You know. Until later, when I shoot you in the neck." It's fun knowing the outcome and that I hate the writers before I write my snark. Too bad this will probably be the only one I write like this. Until Jack decides to off Chloe because he doesn't like her perfume, or because he really wants her purse and she won't give it to him. No wait. Chloe doesn't strike me as being a perfume-wearer. I'm not one. Curtis reminds Jack that in the past, Jack would have seen through Assad in a minute. "What did the Chinese do to you? Besides take away your purse? Is that what this is about? Do you want me to buy you a new one?" Jack asks if there's something Curtis needs to tell him. I have something to tell you, Jack. You suck! Jack wants to know if there's history. Assad interrupts and says he decoded the message, and there is a "visitor" to arrive on Thursday, and that "visitor" is Muslim-speak for weapon. It arrived on Thursday, and since that's past-tense, they must need Numir to make the weapon operational. Jack tells Curtis that finding bin Diesel and Numir is most important. When Rico Suave walks off, Jack calls Chloe and tells her to run a crosscheck between Assad and Rico to see why Rico won't work with Assad. Maybe because Assad is a terrorist. Even one who wants to stop blowing stuff up in favor of getting his throngs "involved in the political process" doesn't sound too sunshiney to me, actually. A bunch of Muslims get elected and establish a caliphate. That's loads of fun for all the non-Muslims! I love being stoned for showing my forearms or going outside without my husband. Let's all pardon the terrorist. Where was I? Oh yes. Not expressing my political views. Jack tells Chloe he needs to get Assad and Rico to work together, and he knows there's something Rico's holding back. Perchance Rico doesn't favor getting shot in the neck. Chloe scowls that she'll get on it when she can.

Numir and bin Diesel kiss like all straight men do, and they talk about the device. The music is Halloweeny.

Ahmed swallows a bottle of pills, and if the nurse mom was smart she would have given him something strong. Suburban dad calls and says that if Ockmed doesn't let his family go, he'll destroy the nuke component, which SD doesn't know goes to a nuke. Mute Boy still doesn't speak. Ockmed agrees to let one go, SD says let the boy go, so Ockmed lets mom go. Which is good, because I'm not sure Mute could have called the cops. Of course, Ockmed is threatening that if the cops show up, Mute gets it. When mom is away from the house, she calls SD to tell him she's ok. He tells her not to risk calling the cops. Mom obviously doesn't have a gun, or she could have tried shooting Ockmed through the livingroom window. As long as she doesn't have something like prefrag ammo that is going to fragment in her face, and the window isn't too thick. At the very least, she would have distracted him long enough to get off a second shot or let her son run away. But yeah, maybe she should leave this one up to the cops. Ockmed was really having a hard time killing Mute. They were buds and all.

SD tells Mom, "Do not call the police," and calls Ockmed, who gives SD the address to take the package, and Mute's little ears perk up. When you can't speak, you can't hear any better, but you learn to focus your other senses better. It shouldn't take him longer than a half hour. In LA traffic. Mom promptly calls the police and tells them her son is being held hostage by a terrorist.

9:19a.m.: Morris and Milo are still squabbling, and Chloe jumps in. Morris is being a real jerk. Chloe says, "We know what this is all about. This is about me. Everybody loves me, and there's only one fabulous Chloe. I'm sorry. I chose Morris." She reminds Morris that yeah, she dated Milo a couple of times, but she chose Morris. So stop being jealous. Morris shapes up right away and tells Milo he was never jealous. Milo's cool. They're cool. They make up, and everything is fine. It's all fine. Guys are so silly when they try to see who can pee the farthest. Just like gastroenterologists, who, by definition, suck.

Bill patches a call through to Whack, and it's Suburban Mom, who drops the name Fayed bin Diesel, and Whacky Jack is all ears. They were on the phone for about six seconds, so naturally, they have a location on the mom. Horatio Caine would have just asked. But Whack has to be all secretive about it. Rico points out that they shouldn't take one terrorist on a tactical mission to subdue another terrorist. Interesting point, says Whack, but "Overruled! You just sit there and look handsome, Rico!"

Meanwhile, at the Oval Office, Waynewreck, Karen (redubbed Mr. F), and Bisquick are having a meeting with a diplomat to see if he thinks Assad is really for real turning over a new leaf. He says, "Mmm, yeah, I think so." And is he influential? And could it be a step towards peace? "Oh. Um... yeah." That is good enough for President Waynewreck, so he decides that even though Assad hasn't asked for anything like immunity or a pardon... We should give him a full and complete pardon for all of his past crimes, because... because... FOR NO GOOD REASON AT ALL! SO THAT AS SOON AS HE HAS HIS NEATO LITTLE PARDON AGREEMENT IN HIS FILTHY LITTLE TERRORIST HANDS, HE CAN SAY, OH, BY THE WAY, I REALLY HAVEN'T RENOUNCED TERRORISM... I'M WORKING WITH BIN DIESEL AFTER ALL! NOW GIVE ME JACK BAUER'S HEAD ON A PLATTER! Yes, Salome, whatever you wish for. Now please, dance for me again.

Waynewreck calls Jack and is like, "Lemme talk to your friend Assad," and then is all, "If you help us get bin Diesel and do some peace talks and stuff and talk your followers into being nice to the United States and all, I'll totally pardon you for everything forever and ever, amen," and Assad's all, "Dude. Am I in charge of your country now? I think so. So, um, give it all to me in writing, and I want a house on Pennsylvania Avenue, with a goat in a corral in the Rose Garden. And a harem. Don't forget the harem." And Waynewreck's like, "You totally got it, bro," and Assad's like, "Don't call me brother, infidel!" And the whole time, SarahK and Rico are trippin' and looking at each other with the, "Are you kidding me?" eyes.

And then BlacKim calls for the president with the dumb sister subplot, and I'm to the pantry for some Chee-Tos, because I can have those (they're gluten-free). Yawn, yawn, yawn. LOL, Bisquick agrees with me, he thinks it would make a great law review article but incredibly boring TV. You know who would like this crap? The people who continued watching Boston Legal after the pontificatory credit card episode. BlacKim threatens to embarrass Waynewreck. Um, he's doing a mighty fine job of that one himself, okay? He just agreed to give a goat and a corral to a terrorist.

Meanwhile, BlacKim's boyfriend Walid is in the Muslim detention center. The other Muslims don't want to be his friend because he's wearing a white shirt or something. Or maybe because he's cozy with the president's sister, and they know she might get him attacked by cougars. They want to stay safe from the cougars! Only one man will be nice to him, and that's someone who wants to know if Walid told the guards anything. Walid overlistens to the others on the playground, because they won't let him in on their conversations.

Suburban Dad arrives to deliver his package. He is attacked by a terrorist with a P99. At least that terrorist likes good guns.
SD is like, "Ahmed sent me! Ahmed sent me!"
"You said Ockmed wrong!"
"I don't know an Ockmed! My neighbor kid Ahmed sent me with this to give to bin Diesel!"
"It's Ockmed!"
"He never corrected me!"
"I blame you!"
SD actually tells the terrorists that he has a deal with Ahmed that his son will be released. Hey. Dude. They're terrorists. They don't care about you and your family. Bin Diesel calls and tells Ockmed to kill the boy. Because terrorists are such honorable people. Awwww. Ockmed asks if that's necessary. Makes me still not feel sorry for the little demon.

Ok, that's ridiculous. They're already selling the 24 season premier on DVD. There will be actual humans that will buy that.

9:37a.m.: Bisquick, Waynewreck, and Mr. F meet to go over the pardon agreement for Assad. Mr. F is just as stupid as Waynewreck. Bisquick is trying to be reasonable. At the end of the scene, Waynewreck appreciates Bisquick's loyalty all the more. Ooh, maybe he'll betray the president like Mike Novick did in season 2. Bisquick is the only sane one. I'd hate to see him go all insane like Whack Bauer.

Jack says "Copy that" to a man who says something to his face, which is totally ridiculous. They are in the suburbs. Mute suddenly speaks up and asks Ockmed, "Why aren't you talking?" Uh, why so verbose all of a sudden, Sparky? Ockmed starts yelling all evil and Muslimmy and tells Mute to get up. He makes Mute kneel and turn around, but I'm thinking that if the only way a terrorist can kill someone is execution-style, maybe don't turn around. Make him shoot you in the face. Make a play for the gun. He's gonna shoot you anyway, so you might as well fight for it. If he shoots you in the process, at least you didn't just sit there. Throw your body at him. It's not like your hands are bound or anything. Aww, it's so sweet. Ockmed says he's sorry right before almost pulling the trigger. Anyway, Curtis and Jack show up, Ockmed tries to run, and a nametagger (someone who needs a nametag if I'm to know his name) shoots Ockmed. Whack is very upset, because this is the link to bin Diesel! What will we do? And Mute, who has miraculously rediscovered his vocal chords in this scene, comes up with the address that he overheard Ockmed telling his dad to take the package to. "You're gonna save my dad, right?" Whack says, "No. I mean, we're gonna do everything we can. But hey, at least you didn't die, which is good for you, and which is not anything I care about. I only care about cheese pizza."

9:48a.m.: At CTU, Chloe has downloaded bin Diesel's location via satellite, but no one is coming or going. They get on the phone with President Waynewreck, who is so happy he could pardon a terrorist!

At the Muslim holding facility, BlacKim goes to see her boyfriend Walid, and finally the dumb subplot has some kind of meaning that doesn't have me scratching my eyeballs out of their sockets. Walid has been eavesdropping on the other Muslims. He tells BlacKim what he has heard, which is an Arabic phrase. He doesn't speak Arabic, but he's heard the same phrase over and over, so he wants BlacKim to tell the phrase to the FBI and see if it means anything. She says, "You overheard it in a facility where you and all these other people are being detained illegally!" And he says what we've all been saying. Well, everyone except the freakin' ACLU, which everyone except the ACLU hates. "Stop being a lawyer for one minute!" You're a Muslim! Beat her into silence! She talks too much anyway, we'd all be ok with it. Even us Christians. Anyway, he's an American first -- actually, I'm pretty sure with that accent he either just likes America or is from some part of the deep deep south that I've never heard of -- and doesn't want the country attacked, so he tells her to shut her trap and go to the FBI with the information, whether she agrees with the detention centers or not. She says she will. We'll see.

Meanwhile, back at the suburbs, Jack is showing Assad his pardon that he's getting for no particular reason. Rico sees Whack shaking hands with Assad and gets the Crazy Eyes. Jack leaves Assad at the table, because Assad wants to take his time to read the sweet, sweet pardon he's being given, and goes to talk to Curtis.

"Hey. Hey, Curtis. How you doin', my friend? Nice weather, right? I didn't think President Waynewreck would pardon Assad so quickly, but... you know... stuff happens."

Rico says, "Well... if that's the way it has to be... that's the way it has to be."

SarahK is asking, "Why are we pardoning this guy who wasn't asking for a pardon who was working with us anyway to stop the attacks and had already said he wanted to renounce terrorism and all that without asking for anything? Um..."

Rico Suave stares into SarahK's eyes. "Plot device, SarahK." He puts on his sunglasses and walks outside. "Plot device."

Suburban mom comes inside and creates a diversion. Mute goes mute again. Chloe calls to tell Jack, who is Whack, why Curtis hates Assad with such rage. After Desert Storm, Curtis was in the Army. Curtis's squad was ambushed. Five dead, two captured, and Curtis wounded and unable to go after his captured compadres. Assad's Lieutenant forced Curtis's men to beg for their lives and then beheaded them both. I'm on Curtis's side.

Ever notice how Jack has to close one eye to aim? I don't. I shoot with both eyes open. Just saying. Tactical advantage. I have all of my peripheral vision intact. Because I'm awesome. Unlike Jack Bauer, who kills good Americans in favor of terrorists.

So Assad signs his pardon agreement and looks quite smug, like he just won the goat lottery, and Curtis follows him out to the Suburban. "You still don't remember? Special forces?" He lists some other details for Assad, who's like, "Whaaaat? Now that I'm pardoned, none of that stuff ever happened! You and I could be best buds! It's like I never even accidentally cut someone off in traffic!" Now, if the writers didn't hate the viewers, they could have just had Curtis pop him in the back of the head, and everything would have been fine, because then the nuke goes off, and hey, CTU needs the manpower so they can't very well throw Curtis in jail for terroristslaughter now! But no. They hate us. So they drag it out, and Rico ends up behind Assad, using Assad as a shield, with Jack facing off with Rico.

"Don't do it, Curtis!"
"I have to, Jack, he's a monster!"
"By order of the President of the United States! Stand down!"
"You mean that joke of a president that signed this guy's pardon? That guy? No, I don't think so."
"Well then... by... order of the Power of Grayskull!"
"I never liked He-Man!"
"I oughta shoot you now, but the sun's in my eyes! All work and no play makes Jack Whack!"
"What'd the Chinese do to you, man?"
"They made me eat Hot & Sour Soup! Have you ever tried that crap? It's just slimy water!"
"Well, I'm sorry, Jack, but I can't let this animal live."
Assad says, "I don't like that soup either! Please!"
"Curtis, you know how I am when I give my word, and I gave that guy my word really early this morning, before I wiped the sleep out of my eyes and saw he was a terrorist."

So Jack shoots Curtis in the neck, and it's the worst plot twist ever ever. Ever. Just because a plot twist is shocking doesn't make it good.

And Assad jumps into the truck. And Jack drops his gun and throws his hands up in the air and cries like a girl, because he should, because he made the wrong choice. Oh, don't worry, Whack, the writers made you do it. And Whack goes and throws up by a tree with his Dumbledoresque hand. And Bill calls to console him and tell him he did the right thing. No you didn't. Horatio would have found another way. Bill says, "Curtis didn't leave you any choice." Yeah, well Bill's a tool whose wife chose to move to the other side of the continent rather than stay in the same city with him, so that tells you what his opinion is worth. Plus, she's the Mr. F who's the worst National Security Advisor ever to the worst president ever. So you decide if Bill's opinion is any good.

It's not.

Bill says they need Assad alive. Whatever. I'm sure he'll betray you before the end of the day. Jack says he can't do this anymore. I say bring in the Caine. They hang up, and Jack cries like the girl he is. They get word Ockmed is dead.

At bin Diesel's warehouse, the tactical team moves in. Everyone watches on their flatscreen TVs. Tax dollars are paying for that? They should not have flatscreens in the Oval Office for watching ops. It's not necessary. The tac team and BD's team engage, and Numir turns on the nuke as Suburban Dad yells "NOOOOOO!"

Jack watches the mushroom cloud go up north of LA in Valencia. In the OO, they watch it on their flatscreen. At CTU, they watch on their monitors.

President Waynewreck makes his first non-wrong decision of the day when he tells Mr. F to gather all first response teams and that LA will have all the country's resources.

At CTU, they get word from the FBI that a phrase kept popping up. Nadia translates it to mean "five visitors". Bill says this means there are four more nukes.

On the next 24, which I no longer care about, Jack is predictably back in. An admiral wants to nuke the Muslims back into the stone age, where they want to live. Jack finally meets Ron Howard's lookalike. Big whoop.

WHAT REALLY HAPPENED
Nardo was watching the feather and decided to take a moment to reboot himself.

Sometimes, he just takes a break, closes his eyes, and centers his spirit before attacking something again.

I figure he's just in Kitty Overload... or dizzy as hell.

Sure, it's easy to just tattoo the serial number of each blogger on the inside of their wrist for tracking purposes, perhaps slip an RFID chip under there so they can be scanned quickly, but you're going to need a simple and easily recognizable system of marking different kinds of bloggers.

I mean, if you want to round up right-wing military bloggers, you don't want to waste your time on piddly left-wing journalists posing as bloggers or catbloggers or pornbloggers or spambloggers.

I'd suggest a simple set of badges and markings. For instance, everbody knows that an inverted pink triangle is a gay symbol, so why not use it for gaybloggers?

Then you can add different colors, like red triangles for right-wing bloggers and orange triangles for "I don't believe in global warming" bloggers and red-white-and-blue triangles for bloggers that support our military and green triangles for anti-Islamist bloggers and gold for Christian bloggers and yellow for Jewish bloggers and such.

Black triangles for black bloggers? What's the point? Nah... black triangles for fans of Rush Limbaugh. Some nice fat black triangles there.

If bloggers cover more than one subject, maybe you could overlap triangles to make six-pointed stars? Those would look cool, right, Harry?

Pin 'em right on the sleeve of the blogger for all to see.

Oh oh - you can't forget the pajamas. After all, didn't someone characterize bloggers as just malcontents in their mothers' basements wearing pajames and typing away furiously about nothing or something? Someone at CNN or the New York Times or Newsweek I think... aren't they all just the same these days, really?

You're going to need some nice, grey-and-white striped pajamas for those bloggers to wear the pretty triangles on. And then, of course, lots of cheap labor to make those pajamas... don't want to import them from China, so let's bring in a few hundred thousand more people from south of the border to work on these things in textile factories.

While here, they can get their kids into state colleges at the state-resident rate and eventually work their way up to better Information Age jobs. Because you don't want them working at zero-skill jobs forever, and those jobs can eventually be handed off to... oh, perhaps those bloggers you've tattooed, given triangles to, and of course rounded up for questioning and seminars on proper blogging technique.

Got to keep their hands busy with something other than all that typing... and they wear out those pajamas fast, right?

It sounds awfully familiar. I'm having a hard time placing it... maybe I saw it at a recent Palestinian protest at a Houston campus where the Arab and Muslim and Progressive students were yelling and waving these things around and screaming they were having some kind of Holocaust thrust upon them... not sure, I'll have to ask around.

Of course, there's only so many colors out there, so we'll just skip over the anti-War, left-wing, pro-Multiculturalism aspects of blogging... we'll deal with those some other day, we'll just test this out on the right side of the blogopshere and get around to those other free-thinkers eventually.

McCain/Feingold '08!

Those two names just seem to go together, ya know?

What's your dream ticket?

Darwin Misha Reedy. Um... did she forget her bra? Because her boobs are around her ankles, and that does not happen when you wear a bra. Ok, she's from Houston, Texas. And she just won't stop talking. And they've brought in her mother now. And she's singing that "Dontcha" song. And winner. Winner so far. Best of the worst. Oh my. Two peas in a pod wrapped up in a novella.

Thomas Daniels. Two notes in, I know he's going through to Hollywood. He's good. I love his vocal quality.

Melissa Carleen Stavros. She has a dog named Tika. As in Chicken Tikka Masala? Her voice sounded ok at first other than the nervous shaking, but she screwed up the words starting with about word #4, and then it went way downhill. And the outfit. Bad outfit. But her personality wasn't awful like most of these we've been seeing.

Blake Lewis. Seattle's beatboxing champion. Beatboxing was good, voice was very nice. Did too much on the song, I was saying, "Oh, don't go crazy now." And I don't want to sound obnoxious, but I heard hints of Mr. A to Z in there. I liked him. He was good, I'm glad he's through to Hollywood. Oh yeah, but he needs to do something about that porcupine fest he calls hair.

David Mills. No no no.

Shyamali Malakar. She is so beautiful. Beautiful voice, too, and I was mesmerized. Shy at first, and nervous, but I think she'll come out.

Sanjaya Malakar. Actually has better showmanship than his sister, and a little stronger voice. But her voice made me stop and clutch my chest. So he'd better watch out, because when she starts singing louder and stronger, she's going to blow him out of the water.

Both are through to Hollywood, deservedly. On our honeymoon cruise, there were these two little Indian kids singing in the karaoke bar with their parents and grandparents watching. They were so cute, a brother and sister. They were singing "A Whole New World" together. Perfectly, note for note.

I just noticed Paula has cut down on her collagen intake since last season.

Nicholas Zitzmann. How can "Unchained Melody" be anyone's favorite song anymore? It's been so overdone. Plus, Kellie Pickler did it last year, right? That there would put a person off it. Oh, and this is worse than Pickler! I think he should go be a software engineer in the Salt Lake City area. Oh my goodness. I want to bake him a pie. I really am almost crying for him, it's so sad.

I realize, yes, everyone, that I need a new person to hate on this season, but y'all are gonna have to wait until the Hollywood rounds. Until then, I love to hate on Pickler. Plus, she's just so cute.

Rudy Cardenas. Singing Journey to Randy, you'd better know what you're doing. I was pleased, and then Simon stopped it with an "It's a no." Randy and Paula saved him. He was a little cocky, but the voice was good, so I think Simon was just being cranky.

Kenneth Briggs. He immediately talks too much. He's doing "Tearing up My Heart" by 'NSYNC, NO WAY!! And HE'S DOING THE DANCE! Oh no, Simon, that was too far. You don't attack a person's natural physical appearance. Where is your line? Do you have one? "Simon can kiss my ***, because I don't look like a monkey." Quote of the day.

Jonathan Jayne. Kenneth's friend. Oh my goodness, it's like Cartman singing, no lie! "In the ghetto-o-o-o-o-o-o..." He actually hit notes, but the serious Cartman vibrato was a little scary.

Eric Chapman, who thinks he is Taylor Hicks's twin. It's a no.

Ryan says, "I'm average." The first step is admitting it.

Anna Kearns from Wichita Falls. Ok, when asked how tall she is, she says she's 6'7". That's her height with heels. But um, without heels, she's 6'4". So, when someone asks how tall she is, she should say she's 6'4". She's not 6'7". As to the singing, before the judges started, I told Frank, she's loud, but she's really not that good. She's going to Hollywood. Simon is pouting, because Randy and Paula were incredibly rude to them.

Jordin Sparks. Beautiful girl, beautiful voice.

Y'all know I just like to give Seacrest a hard time. I like the guy, he's just fun to give a hard time.

Steven Thoen. Haha, he says he's not a big fan of the show. And he's done "kuh-ro-ky" a few times. Does he think looking like Carrot Top is a big compliment? And he's only seen the show a couple of times. He's very polite to the judges. And I think they would like to be polite back, but he's singing "Bohemian Rhapsody", and yowza. I have to agree, that was about as high on the weirdness scale as it gets.

Next week, it's Memphis.

Charles Moody from Brooklyn. Ok, he came in dressed as Apollo Creed singing opera but actually has a voice? I don't know. I think he could sing, but the judges were too confused by him.

Denise Jackson. Wow, ok, she was born as a crack baby, and she's all quiet, so I just have a feeling something big is going to come out of that little bitty body. She's adorable. Yes. She has a great, BIG voice, great attitude. Put her through. Frank said, "Maybe the mikes just couldn't handle her voice, but that wasn't very good at all." I turned and said, "What were you listening to?" and made him listen again. He thinks maybe she also chose a bad song. He didn't change his mind.

Tashawn Moore. Where do I apply to be a guest judge? I would have too much fun with that.

Perla Meneses. "Do you like Spanish girls, Ryan?" Um, I believe the question is, "Do you like girls, Ryan?" You know, at the beginning I thought maybe her voice wasn't terrible, but it was so =affected= that it was offputting. I just kept wrinkling my forehead. The second song was good, though. I good do with much less of the hip jiggles, but that's what would make me a terrible judge. I'm fine with her going through to Hollywood, but I don't think she'll last very long.

Matthew Volna. Oh dear. Throw him in Folsom Prison.

Jarrod Fowler from the USS Ronald Reagan. Sweet. I hope he's awesome because I totally wanna root for him! That's awesome, they had Reagan Idol on the USS Ronal Reagan. Ok, lose the arm movements, or at least tone them down, and you're totally in. And I agree with Randy about the turns. Don't do so many turns. See you in Hollywood.

They should get a sign for the left door that points to the right door. They keep having to say, "Other door," as the contestants are exiting.

Stephen Horst. I'm hopeful when there's a pitch-pipe. But oh my. And did he have to do that one note? It really made my small intestine jump. Maybe it contained gluten. Ugh. That was bad.

Michelle Steingas. Country girl. A little pitchy in one spot, but I like her personality. She's in.

Dayna Dooley with the world's greatest boss. I really wanted this to be good, and it was not, and that made me sad. Rowdi didn't like it either. Oh, now the judges are just being ugly to her and dragging the boss in and telling him that she's tone deaf. And when she sings to him (yes, TO him, and that's a little weird), it's much better, and maybe they should let her sing a third song. But they don't, and she's out.

Matt Sato. I don't know what to think about this one. He sounds good. He has a quirky look, I thought he was going to be awful from hearing him talk, and he was good. And he made it! Oh, and he's crying to his mama, and people will be talking about this one the same way they talk about Clay... you know. Y'all leave the poor kid alone. I won't be talking like that, I'm just saying that other people will.

Rachel Jenkins. Her husband is in Iraq, she's in the National Guard. She started out great, but then she changed keys about three times. I'm surprised, but they're putting her through. Especially after the look on Randy's face when she finished singing.

Sarah Krueger. Very pretty. She's singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow," and I would like to not hear anyone else sing this in the whole season. Katharine McPheevered it till it was done, and this girl did it pretty much note for note the same. At least do your own version, ok? But anyway, her voice is very nice. I think she'll be great. I like her.

Jason Anderson. Okay, I think we've discovered Simon's official facial expression of Season Six. Or at least Minneapolis. The Blank Stare. Well, the juggling was good. Oh, your poor mother is so embarrassed. By your behavior afterward.

Brenna Kyner. I'm totally out on her because Ace is her all-time favorite contestant. And she said, "And it's like..." like four hundred times, and like, that was, like, distracting.

Josh Blum. "Bad Day" by Fuel. Pretty effected. So they're telling him to come back in fifteen minutes with an Abba song. Oh dear. He comes back with "Dancing Queen," and Simon is almost giddy. It's the same raspy, effected voice. On "Dancing Queen"! Have to adapt.

Tomorrow night is Seattle.

I told Frank that if they killed Black Tony, I was out. Not only that, but they had Jack kill Black Tony? Jack never saw Speed? He couldn't shoot the hostage? Or shoot Curtis in the shoulder and disable him long enough to get Assad away from Curtis? Jack is whack.

Negotiating with terrorists, we have a wretched BlacKim subplot, and now GreyJack shoots Curtis to save a frakkin' terrorist. A really HORRIBLE one.

UPDATE: Oh, and here's a clue for you fancy Hollywood writers and all those people out in the interwebs who have been calling this one of the bestest episodes ever. Just because a plot twist is SHOCKING doesn't make it GREAT! That was one of the worst plot twists EVER EVER. And that aside, how can Jack and Curtis ever work together again? They can't. How can Curtis ever serve the US government again? He can't. I would emigrate to Australia if I were Curtis. How can Jack look at himself in the mirror ever again? And don't get me started on all the unnecessary cocking of semiautomatic guns in this episode!

Jack and Assad argue over going to CTU for help, and finally Assad agrees with GreyJack.

At CTU, Milo gives Morris an order to vet (vette? vett?) the French fighters, and they argue, and Chloe scowls. Jack calls Chloe. "Jack, my love, I didn't think I'd ever hear your voice again." "Chloe, not right now. Lemme talk to Bill." "Bill, my true love is on the phone."

Bill asks if GreyJack is sure he can trust Assad. Jack pauses, because he's like, "I don't know how to do this anymore, and I already told Assad that," but tells Bill he thinks so. That makes me feel really good! They're trying to follow BD's guy for Jack, but they can't just yet, so Jack asks them to send over Curtis's tac team.

Rico Suave is not pleased when he hears that GreyJack is bringing over Assad. Maybe a personal connection there?

Jack steals a car after throwing down it's owner in an unfriendly manner. That's California for you. Jack smashes into the terrorist with the stolen car so that his car is unusable, and Assad drives up in the other car and pretends to be a witness in favor of the other guy. Jack drives off angry, yelling about "you people," and Assad says he's going the same place as BD's guy and can drive him. He sets up his subliminal ad cell phone as a tracker and calls Jack, who patches through to CTU, and Assad drops the phone in the map pocket for a leisurely drive to Newhall. Or Newhole. Or the new hole in the ground they are going to make when they nuke LA (where else?).

Jack follows two miles behind, and wow, he has great vision if he can see that far. It's his new werewolf vision! Curtis is going to intercept Jack on is way to Newhall.

Bin Diesel assures his men that Ockmed is on his way to pick up the component for the thingy that they're building, and by the time the prisoners are in the air, it will be too late for the Americans.

Ockmed takes Scott (Dimwit) over to his house and holds his family at gunpoint. Scott's mom is conveniently a nurse, so she will be repairing his leg. Scott's dad will be delivering the package and picking up something else for Ockmed. If he hears or sees anything or blah blah blah, the family gets it. The dad leaves, and mom and kid stay behind with Ockmed. Scott appears to be mute.

Everybody: We don't negotiate with terrorists. Or elect Democrats. :-D

8:21a.m.: Chloe and Morris argue over Morris picking on Milo. Chloe is full of zingers, and we LOVE her. Morris has unlocked Milo's files. Karen updates President... um... didn't I use up all my synonyms for spineless, gutless, weenie, wuss, etc. on Logan last year? I'm out of words! At least Logan waffled between the good options and the bad sometimes. Wayne just plunges right into whatever is the worst possible option. Let's turn over America to the terrorists! That'll solve our problems, we saw the good it did two hours ago! Thumbs up!

Curtis picks up Jack and gives him official comms. Woohoo! Better to hear you with! Rico talks to Jack about Assad and wonders how Jack can work with Assad. Rico says Assad should pay for his past crimes (agreed!), and GreyJack says yeah, but he's renouncing terrorism, so Jack doesn't know what is right anymore. "Anyway, it's not our decision to make." Rico says, "We'll see about that." Jack wants to know what that means. Oh, nothing. Keep coo', yo. Keep coo'.

Ockmed sends Mute to the kitchen for some pain meds and water, and Mute grabs a knife. He doesn't use it just yet. Dun dun dunnnnnn. It will end badly for at least one of the non-Muslims.

8:32a.m.: At the prison, the French fighters are getting ready to be loaded onto the buses. At the White House, Bisquick tells Wayne that his stupid sister was arrested. So he's not paying attention to the prison stuff -- you know, the important stuff that shouldn't even be happening, so he can pay attention to the insignificant distraction. There's some bullcrap about what the country stands for. Yes, Walid, the country stands for obstruction of justice and deleting files right in front of FBI agents. However, why weren't the agents raiding mosques instead of the IAA.

Kim-andra. Wait. Should we call her BlacKim? I like that. BlacKim fights with Johnny Five, who is all up in her face. "YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS UV ME." Walid doesn't cooperate, so he gets smacked around. I'm fine with that. Oh, and they're at one of the "provisional facilities." One of those that Karen keeps whining about, smacking us over the head with her objections over and over.

8:41a.m.: Assad tries to get info from the other terrorist, and when he finally gives a dropoff location, Nadia tells Chloe what to do. Chloe says, "You mean like I'm doing already?"

Terrorist gets out of the car and goes to the commercial district. Jack and Rico meet with Assad. Rico faces off with Assad. Assad gives Rico instructions, and Rico's all like, "My men know what they're doing." Assad's all, "Do I know you?" Rico says, "No, but I know you." Rico takes over and informs Jack that Assad is not part of the op to take down the other terrorist. "Thanks for helping us, but we'll be needing your weapon now. I don't trust terrorists. You understand." SarahK understands. The tactical team goes in, and the terrorist is taking a laptop out of a storage unit full of ammunition and weapons. He hears something, spots someone, and starts shooting. They have a shootout, he blows himself and the storage unit up, and they get a very toasty dead terrorist. I always say, the only good terrorist is a dead terrorist. Yeehaw. The laptop is kinda fried, too, so they might not get anywhere with that.

Everyone at CTU is sad. Wayne hears about the op going bad and gives the go-ahead for the prisoner transfer. Sure, why not? If a handful of terrorists have pulled this off, let's let a hundred more loose so they can have more manpower! That makes complete sense! S-L-O-W.

The prisoners start loading the plane, and bin Diesel looks at a big metal case in his Posse Warehouse.

8:53a.m.: Scott's dad drops off his package to "Marcus," and it's a giant box of cash. Marcus says it's not enough, because the component cost too much. He's gonna need another $50 grand. Marcus says that until he brings back the money, there's nothing to talk about. Suburban dad calls home and tells Ockmed, who tells him to get the item no matter what he has to do. So Suburban dad gets the guy to bring out the part (to a nuclear weapon, I assume), then he hits him over the head with a lamp. The guy pulls a gun. Dad knocks the gun out of his hand! Instead of grabbing the gun and stealing the part at gunpoint with a mere, "This guy is going to kill my family if you don't let me take this part. Please wait at least two hours before you call the cops," he smashes the man's skull against the floor until he's dead. Eh, who cares? He was working with terrorists, good riddance. Anyway, he gets the device.

Chloe is able to recover a schematic in Arabic and Russian off the toasted harddrive for GreyJack. Assad tells Jack it's a parts list for a nuclear device, a suitcase nuke. He is able to pronounce this. Jack? Not so much. Nuk-u-lar. Rico goes mad at Assad because he's sure Assad knew this was what bin Diesel was after all along. Yeah! Punch him, Rico Suave, punch him! Nadia Yassir (terrorist name!) says there was a claim that a suitcase nuke was diverted to a nuclear scientist way back when, so yeah, maybe they have one. The scientist's name is something Muslim, and Numir is one of the prisoners being released! Jack is displeased!

They call the president to tell him what a horrible thing he is doing. Because you know, negotiating with terrorists isn't horrible enough. At the airfield, there's a gunshot on one of the buses, and one of the prison guards has shot the other guard on the bus and goes to let Numir out of the bathroom. "Hurry up. Bin Diesel is waiting for you. He missed you. He loves you."

Dear Friend,

What is it, jackass?

America's commitment to human rights and justice is being held prisoner at Guantánamo Bay. Take action today to end the abomination.

America's commitment to human rights and justice is being held prisoner at Gitmo? Oh no! That means its surrounded by terrorist Muslims!

At least it will get its own prayer rug and Koran. The American government never gave me a rug and a book, and I'm a taxpaying citizen!

I'm going to eat a corn dog in protest. I was going to eat a corn dog anyway, but it's the thought that counts.

Five years ago, the U.S. began detaining people at Guantánamo Bay without charges . . . without trial . . . without legal recourse . . . and without hope.

The funny thing is that the military could have just shot these guys - without a trial! - on the battlefield and you wouldn't even be complaining. But, because these guys lucked out and got captured instead of shot, you're complaining. Fine, Amnesty International USA, we'll just shoot everybody from now on. I hope that makes you happy, ya sick bastards!

The interrogation regime there led to many allegations of torture and ill-treatment. These abuses continue despite widespread domestic and international outrage. Help put a stop to these abuses.

I'm a bit confused. Do you want to stop the abuses or the allegations of abuses? Because if it's the latter, then the best solution is to abuse whomever is making the allegations.

The government wants us to think that all people held at Guantánamo Bay are known terrorists.

It's working! I'm thinking that right now!

GET THE GOVERNMENT OUT OF MY HEAD!!!

Unfortunately, it's not true. The detainees at Guantánamo Bay are only suspects, innocent until proven guilty, some as young as 15 when they were detained.

Once again, could have just shot them. There's a big difference between criminal prosecution and war. Maybe Amnesty International USA needs to think more internationally and less USA-ally.

They have been held for years in conditions that are isolating, harsh, inhuman and cruel.

With belly slaps and rap music... much like urban youths.

Every day that the Guantánamo Bay detention facilities remain open is another day when the United States of America broadcasts to the world its utter lack of respect for the most basic human rights principles.

I know! Ain't it cool!

Why are human rights important anyway?

Ooh! Ooh! I know! Because the issue is great for fund raising!

Because human rights, values championed by the U.S. for decades, make way for a peaceful and secure world. Because without human rights, no one is safe. Respecting the innate human dignity of every human across the world is our only hope for a prosperous and peaceful society. When we respect each others' rights, we secure our own.

But what about shooting the people we don't like? How does that fit in, Pollyanna?

What can you do?

I already ate a corn dog.

Join Amnesty International and speak out against Guantánamo Bay and the policies behind it. Tell the President to shut down Guantánamo Bay.

Yeah, I'll go tell him that right now. All the terrorists from there can stay in my garage. They'll have to get along with my pit bull, but she's friendly as long as she has people to bite.

Tell him that the America you believe in leads the world on human rights.

If we really believe this, do we need to clap our hands to keep America from dying?

Please act today. Take a stand for human rights.

I'd rather take a seat on the can, if it's all the same.

Sincerely,

Larry Cox
Executive Director
Amnesty International USA

Now, that name isn't necessarily gay, but, if you are gay, it's a great name.

7:19a.m.: Islamic-American Alliance in Washington D.C. (we'll call them.... CAIR). Subplot. Two FBI agents want to look at CAIR's personnel database just to crosscheck it against the federal watchlist. CAIR seems cooperative at first, and the director seems sane (wait, I guess we can't call it CAIR). Then the attorney gets wind of the FBI's visit, and she comes running. She asks for the warrant, there isn't one, and she tells the agents to leave. Then she calls her brother. The president. Oh good grief. Is she going to get chased by cougars? Maybe the IAA will get invaded by Islamofascists who don't like the IAA, and she'll be held hostage at bombpoint, and Jack Bauer will be the absolute only person in the world who could possibly save her, and he'll have to hop a flight to DC to do so. And the president will say please, Jack, trade your life for hers.

Sandra Palmer tells her brother that IAA is being invaded by the evil FBI. Wayne says they need to follow up on every lead they get, and she says ethnic religious profiling blah blah, and she thinks Bisquick is behind it. And David didn't like Bisquick! That hurts Wayne, and they hang up, and miss attorney kisses her client the director of the IAA. So she's dating the director of the Muslim organization. She might have a conflict of interest.

Bill notifies the Oval Office that Assad was not in the house and is still alive. They're sure now that Assad will respond to the airstrike with more attacks.

Bin Diesel groups up with his posse at a garage and meets a suicide bomber. He helps the guy zip up his bomb vest, just in case the guy gets the heebie jeebies. "By overcoming your fear, you are proving your worth." Aww, that's sweet when you're not the one doing the overcoming, huh?

Jack, Assad, and their captive find a recently (five minutes ago, they're still moving) vacated house (please visit uhaul.com) and think it will be a fine place for a quickie torture. Jack confirms that Assad wants to ceasefire with the west and propose something or other, but key in the plan is eliminating bin Diesel. Jack takes off his shirt to change into a clean, stolen one, and Assad is stunned into silence by Jack's disfigured back. It goes well with his Dumbledoresque right hand. Jack says, "I'll be right back." Oh no! You never say that! He's going to be murdered by the serial killer when he walks outside!

Sorry. Shouldn't finish these past midnight, and it's almost 2 a.m.

Chloe sees the satellite footage of Jack getting Assad out of the house before the airstrike. She shows Bill, and they determine that Jack only did this so he could find bin Diesel and save America and that they should not tell anyone about this just yet but they should also look for bin Diesel.

Jack tells Assad they should involve CTU to find bin Diesel. "See, they tried to kill me ten minutes ago, so they're not on my top eight myspace friends right now, ok? And they'll lock me in a room and question me for days. I'll find bin Diesel on my terms." Jack says, but they have resources! Jack questions the mole and sticks a pencil into the guy's shrapnel wound to get info on bin Diesel's location. He tells Jack nothing, cries, and begs Jack to stop. Jack softens and stops. Assad is surprised and asks why. Jack says the guy wasn't going to tell them anything. Well maybe not filthy infidel pigdogs!

Assad sticks a knife in the captive's knee, and the guy sings like Whitney Houston on crack. Seriously, shaky, raspy voice and everything. Assad tells the guy he took the wrong path, sorry about that, and kills him. The people moving out of that house are going to be so surprised when they come back to find a dead guy next to the American flag curtain. "Did we forget to take our dead terrorist with us? Whoops. Go get the Uhaul again."

Jack is quiet, and Assad is ready to go. "I don't know how to do this anymore." Assad tells him, "You'll remember. Once you buy a new JackAttackSack and get a fancy new scope and an semiautomatic pistol that will make a cocking sound at unrealistic moments, you will remember."

7:41a.m.: Good grief, does anyone start work at or after 8 a.m.? Even the FBI shows up before 8. I understand the Oval Office at work, and CTU, but you're executing warrants at 7:40? And with all this switching between LA and DC, which time zone are they going with, Pacific or Eastern? Is it really 10:40 in Washington? I ask because they show a DC scene while flashing 7:40 on the screen. That confuses me. It must be Pacific time. Jack Bauer Standard. Whatever. Anyway, the FBI is back with an administrative warrant, and Sandra Palmer says that isn't legal, and FBI says that's her opinion. She steps aside, and her boyfriend is cooperative. While FBI is led to the media room, she deletes the personnel files off the server. Paper copies are going to be very inconvenient -- I hope the FBI agents are smart enough to think about paper files. Because no one has only electronic personnel files with no backups. Except maybe some of the non-profits I used to audit, but that's another story.

When the kid accessing the personnel files for the agents can't find the files, Kim-andra says, "That's right, I did it! Whatchou gonna do about it? I'm the president's sister! I deleted the files, and I used the shredder program on the computer, so boo-yah!" The agents press about four keys on the computer and say, "Yep, you're right, the files are gone!" Um yeah. I'm no computer expert, but I have lost a file before, and I do know that you look for longer than four key pushes. But you know. Primetime. The agents arrest Kim-andra and her boyfriend, who doesn't even bother resisting. Ok, the one FBI agent who does all the talking is a total robot. He makes me laugh. "U R UN DUR AR REST. AR REST THE BOY FREN TOO. NO SPESHUL TREET MENT. JOHN NY FIVE IS A LIVE!"

In Suburbia, the nice white kid sees the mean man from down the street approaching nice Ahmed's front door. Inside, Ahmed busts through some drywall to retrieve the package we've all been hearing about. I have to ask: how did he get the package inside the wall of his house without his parents knowing, unless one or both of them was complicit? The mean man comes in and starts throwing Ahmed around as payback for what Ahmed's people have been doing. Ahmed deserves it, so I'm happy, but on the other hand, the man doesn't know that Ahmed deserves it. He should know that he's just supposed to profile heavily and keep a hair trigger trained on Ahmed's center mass until Ahmed is proven innocent. He shouldn't just start beating the kid up for his dad's supposed crimes. On the other hand, Ahmed is evil and deserves everything he gets. Ahmed pulls out a gun and kills the guy with two shots (cocking on the second shot, of course). The guy deserved a good punching for beating the kid without proof of terrorism, but he didn't deserve death. Anyway, Ahmed got a nice big coffee table glass shard in the leg, and since teenagers are stupid, he pulled that sucker right out of his big artery. Shouldn't do that. You leave it in until it is surgically removed because it could be stopping you from bleeding to death.

Again in the teenagers-are-stupid category, the kid from across the street rushes right in after hearing two gunshots. "Ahmed? What's up? Wanna play some UnoDubya-2?" Dimwit wants to call an ambulance or 911, and Ahmed says no and cocks the gun again -- he is a safety kid, loves to decock that gun in the heat of this moment. Ahmed gets all touchy about the pronunciation of his name. It's a hard "h" after all. "It's Ock-med, and you're not my friend, because I never corrected you when you pronounced it wrong!" So Ocky says Dimwit will do what he says or else. What a nice way to start your school day, huh, Dimwit?

7:50 a.m.: Assad and Jack arrive at the location given by the mole. At an intersection, Assad sees two men crossing the street in suits, and he says one is wearing an explosive vest. He's sure these are bin Diesel's men. Jack and Jill follow the terrorists into the subway. I recognize that wide shot from ALIAS. Assad will follow the handler, who won't get on the train, and Jack is going after the bomber.

After the bomber is on the train, Jack steps on. When the ticketing agent asks for Jack's ticket, Jack identifies himself as federal agent Jack Bauer (he loves throwing that title around when he doesn't own it, and they never prosecute him for it, and they'd better not!) and tells the ticketing agent to leave him alone so as not to arouse suspicion. He fails to say to the agent, "And don't turn around every three seconds to stare at the terrorist, because that's conspicuous, too."

Meanwhile, Assad is following the handler, who is on his way to Union Station (LA), which is supposed to blow up. When he sees that Union Station is blown up, he will call to notify bin Diesel.

Jack positions himself right in front of the bomber, who is sitting only a couple feet from the back door of the train. The bomber notices the ticketing agent acting wildly, crazily anxious and quickly flips open his detonator. Jack snaps into action. Can he do it without his JackAttackSack? He grapples with the bomber, and eventually, the bomber kicks Jack to the floor. He shouts the normalcies and pushes his detonator, but Jack has ahold of some grips and drop-kicks the guy out the back of the train, just as he explodes. Since he failed at his mission, he will only receive 72 virgin daquiris. Jack stops the train. Bauer power!

Four blocks east, the handler (also bald) makes a phone call to bin Diesel to say that something went wrong and Union Station did not explode, and he sees smoke west of there. Bin Diesel is happy anyway about the Baltimore and Chicago attacks that were pulled off simultaneously. CTU gets word that Jack was on the train. Chloe gets a recording of the handler's phone call to bin Diesel, confirming that they went after the wrong terrorist. Bisquick tries to make Palmer feel better, and Palmer says yeah, it's only going to get much worse.

And we have our first "Copy that" from Jack of the season! Yay! He tells Assad to keep following the handler, because that guy is our only lead to bin Diesel.

At the end of the episode is a dedication to the memory of the aircrew of Gunshot 66: Major Gerald "Beav" Bloomfield, Captain Michael "Martini" Martino, whose Marine Corps helicopter was shot down over western Iraq November 2, 2005.

Tomorrow night, more demands from terrorists (this is what happens when you negotiate with terrorists), and a crazy stunning ending that will change everything. And so far this season, no Aaron Pierce, 1 copy that, no Tony Almeida, no JackAttackSack, and Chloe hasn't killed anyone. And there are only 22 hours left! I don't want to jinx anything, but no Audrey and no Kim, either! Though we do have a Kim clone with that dumb presidential sister subplot. Maybe she'll get eaten by cougars early. We can only hope.

Ooh! I have my name for Jack. I can't do Jackula, because someone else already did. GreyJack isn't taken, though. (Only Harry Potter readers will get it, and only those who have read OTP and HBP at that.) GreyJack works on multiple levels anyway. Doesn't he look old this season? It's a good makeup job, they really aged him well from last season. He looks like he endured a couple of years of torture.

Oh! Does anyone think that once bin Diesel is eliminated, Assad will be less than cooperative with the US government? Maybe he's doing what bin Diesel was trying to do, using the US government to eliminate his enemy's organization.

6:07a.m.: Rico Suave (Curtis) and Bill (he needs a name) meet Jack when he gets off the plane. That angry evil Chinese man is there too. Jack looks so unhappy. You know why? Because he's been all these many months without his JackAttackSack! Which would surely contain a razor. Please, get him a JackAttackSack! Jack says to the evil Chinese man, "I will kill you." HE SAYS IT WITH HIS EYES. Chinese man tells Bill that Jack never broke in the nearly two years he's been in custody. Finally a timeline.

Bill busts right in talking about President Palmer, and Jack blinks all funny. Oh yeah, the brother. Bill explains the deal. Assad has been attacking America for eleven weeks, and the guy who knows where Assad is has a vendetta against Jack. "We offered him everything. $25 million, every other alternative, anything he wanted." You see what happens? You start electing Democrats, and we start negotiating with terrorists. Great job, guys! He wants Jack dead, so Wayne Palmer's like, "Ok, sure." For all that Jack has done to save America from terrorists (Muslim and otherwise), and for the number of times that Jack has saved the lives of David and Wayne Palmer, they sure do hand him over to be killed a lot. And of course, Jack says, "Ok, sure. Just don't tell Audrey or Kim I'm back." And SarahK says, "In fact, don't even show them on the show not being told. Please!" You know, one of these times, Jack is going to say, "You know what? Not this time. No. I'd like a house in the mountains and a lifetime supply of leave me alone instead, please. Thanks." Jack asks if he can clean up before he gets offed. Measures have been provided to make your execution more likeable, of course, Jack!

6:19a.m. Bill tells Karen Jack is much worse than expected. Karen checks out her wedding ring, says she misses Bill, and he says you're where you should be. Aww, it's so sweet when married couples don't want to be together. *sniff*

Chloe starts badgering Nadia for info on Jack. She won't give up the 411, and Chloe says, "But he means more than my laptop to me!" and finally blackmails her with an old mistake Nadia made that she would have been fired over if Chloe hadn't saved her. Good old Chloe. Nadia tells Chloe what's going on, and when Chloe wants to call Karen to free Jack, Nadia breaks the bad news -- Wayne Palmer sold out Jack just like David did, and Mr. F knows. Chloe does a total mopey walk (cue Charlie Brown music) back to her desk and goes a little catatonic until Morris comes to talk to her. Ooh, that could mean she'll bust a cap in someone in the next four hours. It just feels like a good setup.

Wayne calls to talk to Jack and tells him his sacrifice will not be in vain. Jack says thanks and goodbye.

Wayne wonders if he's the right man to lead this country. No, you're negotiating with terrorists. Keep paying terrorists, they keep asking for money. Professor Biscuit says it's an irrelevant question, because you are the leader, so you have to lead. Oh, and Bauer has to be sacrificed so the country can survive. OR we could NOT negotiate with terrorists.

Karen corners Prof. Bisquick and accuses him of going against the president's orders by setting up camps in sports arenas in three cities. But since he hasn't done it yet, he's only setting up, he says he hasn't done anything wrong. He says that people have to sacrifice personal freedoms for security. Bisquick is a strange character. He's for negotiating with terrorists. That's a more liberal viewpoint, right? Yet he's for internment camps, which is right right right wing. And they're both national security-related. Usually if you're liberal one way and conservative on something else, they're two different issues, but these are kind of the same issue. But Bisquick is at opposite ends of the spectrum on the same issue. You can be at different ends of a range, but so variegated? He's weird. That's my point. He's weird.

Poignant scene: Bill, Jack, and Rico Suave get to their meeting place with Fayed, the guy who wants Jack dead. Fayed is a coward terrorist, so naturally he's watching from afar through binoculars. He calls Bill and says to handcuff Jack to a grate. Bill calls him an ugly name, Jack says do it. Jack says he stayed alive in China because he refused to die for nothing. Today he gets to die for something. Yes, it would be so very poignant and tear-worthy if I weren't expecting Jack to live for twenty-three and a half more episodes.

Sorry, I drank my cynic-snark juice. It's because we're negotiating with terrorists, and that always puts me in a mood.

6:36a.m.: Fire at a mosque, retaliatory. Family in suburbia whose son is friends with a Muslim kid whose father has been arrested. Of course, the non-Muslim-Americans down the street are all bigoted hicks who want to beat up the teenage son while dad is away, and the good neighbor across the street comes to help. My early prediction: The white, supposedly non-Muslim family is a terrorist cell (or at least parts of it are) and are working with the dad that was arrested or are framing him. Y'all can thank me in a couple of weeks when you sound like geniuses around the watercooler.

Morris tells Chloe that he did some on-the-side illegal work for an oil company or something, and he might be able to retask a satellite to look at the spot where they ditched Jack. Chloe is unsure, but Morris is like, "Hey, women trusted me with their feet, you can trust me with your national security!" They retask the bird. Fayed picks up Jack and says he's really missed Jack and couldn't wait to see him again. They throw Jack in a van in a tunnel, and Chloe and Morris watch for them to come out.

Fayed's sig-ops guy tells him that a government location is looking at their ditch with a private bird, and Fayed calls CTU. Nadia says it's not us, Fayed says yes it is, and Milo figures out that it's Chloe across the room. This is what you get for leaving Chloe out of the loop when you have a big conference call meeting with terrorists. Bill is listening to the call on his way in, and Nadia gets Chloe to reroute the satellite, but they've done some major damage. The terrorist (have I mentioned you don't negotiate with these people?) says that Jack's gonna die either way, and now he'll just consider giving them Assad. Fools. Not Chloe so much. CTU and Palmer.

Chloe tells Bill to fire her (yeah, so she can go rogue!), and Bill says he can't afford to fire either of them because he needs the manpower, but she'd better hope this all works out! Or... or... or... he'll fire her, and she'll have to negotiate her way to better pay and longer vacations!

6:52a.m. Bill tells Karen what happened, and Karen yells at Bill. Yep, they're married. Karen says that if we intern the Muslims, the country will never recover. Just like we never recovered from when we interned the Japanese-Americans during WWII. We never did start an upswing after that, did we?

Fayed starts torturing Jack with a knife and some alcohol. Jack reminds Fayed that he hasn't given CTU Assad's location. Fayed drops a little bomb on Jack. "Assad came to stop the attacks. He came to stop me. I'm behind them. You will die for nothing." Ouch. And he stabs Jack with some long horrific device somewhere in the back of Jack. Jack goes limp.

Who was right about not negotiating with terrorists? Was it me? Fayed calls CTU and gives them Assad. Then he hangs up and starts to cut off Jack's finger but is interrupted by a call. It's the son of the arrested suburbia Muslim, who has been working with Fayed. Oh, so the arrested dad is going to be framed, but not by the white neighbor but accidentally by his son. So... we learned in the first hour that profiling and bigotry against Muslims saves lives. Hatemongering is good!

While Fayed is out of the room talking to his BFF about their ruse and his henchman turns his back, Jack takes off his heart monitor so the monitor makes the dead sound. When the henchman comes back to check, Jack bites his neck, and I mean feasts upon it for a good ten seconds, like he was giving the guy a hickey but forgot how to do it and that it's supposed to be done on the opposite sex. THE CHINESE TURNED JACK INTO A VAMPIRE! I hope he can avoid daylight for the next twelve hours. Eh, he owns a broad collection of hoodies and sunglasses, he'll be fine. He gets the handcuff keys from his banquet and escapes behind a door or something where it would be really easy to find him, but when Fayed comes back, he only checks one escape route instead of both. Fayed is sooo ticked off.

Meanwhile, Spacemonkey is making adjustments to the IMAO Doomsday Clock.

This is when you might want to hide under your desk or brace yourself in a sturdy doorframe.

This week, we'll be wondering whether the locals are just kidding when they offer us a bowl of jalepeno ice cream as we visit Texas. So let's get started...

Texas became the 28th state on December 29th, 1845 after the US won it from Mexico in - ironically - a game of Texas Hold 'em.

Although the Texas justice system is sometimes criticized for having "too many" executions, the truth is that most Texas prisoners prefer death to the alternative sentence of "life without the possibility of an oversized belt buckle".

Texas license plates have dark blue numbers on a white background and contain the tourism slogan "All the oil, without all the burkhas".

The Texas flag consists of 3 colored sections - red, white, and blue - with the blue section featuring an image of Chuck Norris kicking a bad guy's ass.

The state flower of Texas is the Bluebonnet. It WAS the yellow rose until the RIAA sued the state for copyright infringement.

Texas gets its name from a Caddo Indian word meaning "short swim to a welfare check".

Texas has a population of nearly 21 million people, all of whom are ashamed to be from the same state as the Dixie Chicks.

President Dwight Eisenhower was born in Denison, Texas. He was the last elected American President who didn't need to check his pockets for a comb before a press conference.

The state tree of Texas is the gallows.

The Alamo in San Antonio, Texas, is the place where a grossly outnumbered contingent of Texans fought to the death against an overwhelming force of Mexican troops in 1836. Much as modern-day beer kegs currently wage their valiant yet inevitably hopeless struggle against frat boy sobriety.

If a Texan brags to you about how much bigger his state is than yours, tell him your friend from Alaska was just saying the same thing about him, and laugh when he starts crying like a little girl.

The state mammal of Texas is the armadillo. For those not familiar with it, an armadillo is a peculiar-looking animal with the head of a rat, the body armor of a turtle, and the spineless flexibility of Bush's immigration policy.

President Lyndon Johnson was born in Johnson City, Texas. He was the last president to be popularly known by his three initials, "LBJ". Which should not be confused with President Clinton's nickname among Hispanic voters, "el BJ".

Alvin, Texas, set the record for rainfall in the US when it received 43 inches in 24 hours in 1979. It also holds the record for the world's largest wooden boat at 300 by 50 by 30 cubits.

Texas' nickname is "the big freakin' hat state".

More wool comes from the state of Texas than any other state. The quality of the wool is far superior to that from New Jersey, which is 90% Italian back hair.

Texas was actually an independent nation from 1836 until 1845, when it got divorced, lost its job and moved into America's basement, where it remains to this day.

Lazy bum.

An oak tree near Fulton, Texas, is estimated to be over 1500 years old. Every year on June 1st, the locals celebrate the tree's birthday by getting drunk and firing pistols into the air. The drunken shooting on the other 364 days of the year is just for fun.

Caddo Lake is the only natural lake in Texas. All the rest have implants.

On December 20, 1835, the first flag of Texas independence was raised. It featured a white background behind an image of Speedy Gonzales's head on a pike and a capital "T" branded on his forehead.

The Hertzberg Circus Museum in San Antonio, Texas, has the largest collection of circus memorabilia in the world. It includes such rare sideshow freak attractions as a three-headed calf and a modest, soft-spoken Texan wearing sneakers and a fedora.

The state motto of Texas is "That chili's not hot, you're just a wuss".

Texas is home to both Dell and Compaq computers. The fact that they've outsourced all their tech support overseas gives new meaning to the phrase "Cowboys and Indians".

The famous soft drink Dr Pepper was invented in Waco, Texas, in 1885. It should not be confused with any best-selling Beatles albums or that crappy rip-off, Mr Pibb.

The first suspension bridge in the US was the Waco Bridge, built across the Brazos river in 1870. Before then, all bridges were supported by concrete pilings reinforced with the broken bodies of Chinese railroad workers.

The Texas capitol building in Austin opened on May 16, 1888, and is actually 7 feet higher the US Capitol building in Washington, D.C.. Personally, I think it's nice that men from Texas at least have ONE size-related thing they can brag about.

The first word spoken from the moon was "Houston". The second and third words were "Astros" and "suck".

Texas possesses three of the top 10 most populous cities in the US - Houston, Dallas, and San Antonio. It also claims two of the top 10 most monkey-eared presidential candidates - George W. Bush and Ross Perot.

The cattle population of Texas is estimated to be 16 million.

17 million if you count Cadillacs with steer horns mounted on the hood.

The world's first rodeo was held in Pecos, Texas, in 1883 when a dozen cowboys came up with a plan for a way to publicly tie up and wrestle cattle while dressed in leather chaps without running afoul of the state's oppressive bestiality laws.
---

That wraps up the Texas edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be finding it ironic that a state that's filled with Mormons is, itself, a four-letter word as we visit Utah.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've gotta go help put down a beer keg uprising.

French player "giving head."

Black dude practicing "jazz hands."

and during one match, spectators witnessed an impromptu song and dance routine.

I'm sorry if this offends some of you soccer fans. Tune in next week and I'll have proof that soccer is also nothing but a girls' sport.

Remember kids. Stick to good, old-fashioned non gay sports like football.

WHAT REALLY HAPPENED
Nardo had a nasty abscess and the vet cleaned it up.

He's not supposed to lick the spot while the antibiotics kill off all the bugs, so he's got a flexible collar on.

He's adjusted to it, although he still keeps leaping and air-balling the couch because his paws get stuck under the thing.