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January 31, 2007
American Idol Six - LA auditions
Posted by sarahk at 10:36 PM | Email This

So Olivia Newton-John is guest judging this week, and Paula seems to be done with her family obligations.

And the first dog and pony show, complete with added sound effects, is Martik Manoukian. Fuh-RIIIIIIIIK!

Sholandric Stallworth. For some reason, I thought he was going to sing that very well; I think it was his talking voice that deceived me. It was not good.

And then there's the parade of people in Halloween costumes. Yawn.

I really liked the New York auditions. Can we have another night of those?

Marianna Riccio. Oh good grief. They made it sound like she was going to be great because she has a show biz background and her mom was in show biz, and it was amazingly bad. Oh dear no, not the beg. They don't realize how awful it is when they beg. And she went and got her mom to talk to the judges.

And now it's the parade of little Ollie Twists. Please sir, they want some more. Please, Simon, I want a pistol.

Alaina Alexander is absolutely beautiful. Appearance-wise, I say she has "It". She's the first one of the day who can hit two consecutive notes on key, but wow, she's singing a terrible song and getting pitchy, dawg. How do these people pick their audition songs? They're letting her through based on looks and an okay audition. I think they should have made her sing a second song.

Phuong Pham has a sad story about an unsupportive family who doesn't want her to do music and doesn't think she's pretty enough... and she starts with this awful gyrational dancing jerky... thing. Maybe if she wasn't doing cartwheels while she sang, her notes wouldn't all get forced back into her lungs. Simon keeps calling her Pong. He asks how to pronounce it, and she says Phong, and he repeats it back Pong. I don't know why he asks for pronunciations if he's then only going to pronounce the names wrong anyway. Maybe it's time for a hearing aid, Simon. She's not a video game. Oh no. And when they're playing her out, they play the awful forced Taylor Hicks AI song! I do prefer the Weird Al version.


Rating: 2.5/5 (31 votes cast)

Comments (4) | American Idol ~ | SarahK's TV stuff
Obama Announces New Product Endorsement
Posted by RightWingDuck at 05:42 PM | Email This


Rating: 2.3/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Get well soon, Louis Farrakhan!
Posted by Laurence Simon at 02:17 PM | Email This

Louis Farrakhan, the 73 year-old leader of the Nation Of Islam, has recently been released from the hospital after a long stay to recuperate from surgery to correct a botched prostate cancer procedure.

However, just to make sure that Minister "Screwy Louie" Farrakhan is around for a long, long time for us to make fun of, we'd like to suggest that he take it easy when returning to his usual duties of inciting hatred, blaming Causacians for self-inflicted minority-on-minority crimes, and pretending to be sane when the network television news cameras are on.

Tired, recoverying public figures usually don't have a problem appearing sane, since they're usually only up for a simple smile and a wave. But it's important for Farrakhan to take it easy and take it slowly on the long road to recovering his flaming mantle of scorn from those he has willed it to.

We suggest that he start with the equivalent of bed rest for invective-slinging polemics: just mildly disliking White people and Jews, in small amounts and infrequently during the day.

Then, when he feels strong enough, he can add in a bit of aggressive rherotic, but not in a sustained and continuous stream of vicious blood-libel and recitation of "Rabbis were dancing on the rooftops after 9/11" conspiracies.

Usually at this stage, I'd suggest a bit of golf. However, that might involve the Minister ranting about the club's history of discrimination, despite the fact that the club opened its doors sometime in the Sixties as a result of... of... oh, who was that guy that Farrakhan's former boss had killed again?

Where were we?

Perhaps then, he will be well enough to travel, appearing at Moorehead and TSU to graciously accept Lifetime Achievement Awards, but he'll need to take it easy and limit his speeches to thanking the audience for their support, but no sustained rhetoric until his doctors clear him for unchecked outbursts of hatred.

At that point, then and only then, would it be safe for him to return to his usual duties.

Now, it's up to his bowtied minions to make sure that Minister Farrakhan sticks to this progressive schedule, perhaps easing the burden of vehement anti-Semitism and reverse racism on their leader by taking it up on their own.

Good luck, Louie, and get better soon!


Rating: 2.1/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (12)
Are Muslim Terrorists Behind Global Warming?
Posted by Harvey at 12:02 PM | Email This

According to the upcoming report on global climate change:

the last half-century was probably the hottest in at least the past 1,300 years.

Now, looking back about 1300 years ago, we discover that in 732 A.D.:

Muslim empire reaches its furthest extent.

Now, 1300 years later, the crazed Murderers For Muhammed are on the move again, coincidentally at the same time we're experiencing record heat waves, droughts, floods, storms, tsunamis, and hurricanes.

I think the connection is obvious.

So remember:

Save the planet.
Kill a terrorist.

Rating: 3.3/5 (27 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Top Ten: Senator Biden's Other Obama "Compliments"
Posted by RightWingDuck at 11:51 AM | Email This

Sentor Biden recently stated that Obama was "clean." Many see this as a backhanded compliment. Some, like those of us here at IMAO, are very offended by this remark. I mean, can't a black man take a shower just like everyone else and not have some liberal say, "Wow, how did you shower without dropping that stolen TV?"

Anyway, Senator Biden has always had good things to say about Obama. In fact, let me share with you...

Senator Biden's Other Obama Compliments.

10. He reminds me of OJ Simpson, but without the murder accusations.


9. He has never taken me aside to 'aks' me something.


8. He came over to a dinner party, and afterwards, we still had all our silverware!


7. It’s so good to see a man marry his baby’s momma.


6. He really can control his lust for white women.


5. America needs more diversity in its presidencies. Obama can help us meet that quota.


4. I like that he enjoys fried chicken, but he isn’t obsessesed with it.


3. Obama’s wonderful because he’s spent hardly any time in jail.


2. He went to Harvard and he's only half white!

And the number one compliment Senator Biden has for Obama...


Rating: 2.6/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (12)
Obama Clean!
Posted by Frank J. at 10:48 AM | Email This

I know many of you don't like to shake the hands of black people out of fear of them not being clean, but Senator Joe Biden has declared Obama to be clean. Quoteth Biden on Obama:

"I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy."

Seriously, how far is that statement from drunkenly ranting about the Jews to revealing how Biden thinks of minorities. I don't really care for Obama any, but come on!


Even Kos couldn't ignore this one.

Rating: 2.4/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (13)
Frank Advice: How Rudy Guiliani Can Consolidate His Power
Posted by Frank J. at 09:25 AM | Email This

While Rudy Guiliani is a very popular politician for how he cleaned up crime in New York City and stood strong after terrorist attacks, I think Glenn Reynolds is right that the gun issue is going to hurt him in the Republican primaries when people begin to look at Guiliani more critically. The best solution for Rudy is to shoot someone - preferably a terrorist. Then, when someone says, "Hey, I hear Guiliani is anti-gun," someone else will say, "Whadda you talking about? He just shot someone... right in the face! And then he laughed! That guy likes guns."

It would be good PR. The main advantage Guiliani has is the perception that, if let loose in Gitmo, he'd personally beat the terrorists to death with a tire iron. Frankly, while I really wouldn't like voting for someone I disagree with on important social issues, I think what we really need is a president who would beat to death terrorist with a blunt metal object and enjoy it.

Rating: 2.3/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (7)
Posted by spacemonkey at 09:15 AM | Email This

The Democrats are peeved that the president left off the "ic" in Democratic when describing the newly major party in his SOTU. It's reprehensible. The president may as well as said he wished all Democrats were killed by way of making them eat their own words. Of course many of the phrases they'd end up eating would annihilate each other and be converted to pure energy when they met their anti-phrase in the stomach. Killing them instantly and simultaneously curing our oil addiction. In fact it may have been a hidden code phrase for just that.

But the swaggering, smirking, nerve of the president! Equating THEM, members of the Democratic party, with DEMOCRATS, members of, of all things, the DEMOCRATIC PARTY. Of all people in the work to be compared to! It JUST makes NO sense! What sort of fantasy world does the President live in? The nerve! The gall! The syllable! Truly this monumental gaff can never be forgiven nor should it be forgotten. When dealing with the easily offended, fragile egos of the likes of the Democratic party, it is important to understand that they are used to hearing the 'ic'.

They NEED to hear the ic. Its the only part of our form of government they have seen fit to keep. Think of it as the only remaining vestige of their etymological (look it up) heritage. Take that away and they are then forced to see themselves as they truly are, filthy, diseased vermin that live in idealogical sewers.

But what I fear they fail to understand is whenever a Republican says something that sounds like they are saying "Democratic", its more than likely not DemocratIC, they are saying. Instead, he or she is really saying "Democrat, Ick."

Used in a sentence, "I just stepped in a pile of democrat, ick." So, when we leave off the 'ic' we are simply trying to be polite, before we clean off our shoes.

The next time you see a Democrat instead of referring to their party as the Democrat party and offend them, we should say "ICK!" and leave it at that.

Rating: 2.0/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (10)
January 30, 2007
I Hear It's Quite Popular With The Troops
Posted by Harvey at 10:22 PM | Email This


"No, the line for 'American Idol: Iraq' auditions is over there... THIS is the line for getting autographed copies of 'The Chronicles of Dubya Volume I'."

[Whaddya suppose that confused-looking guy at the back thinks the line is for?]

[Hat tip: CENTCOM]

Rating: 1.9/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (6)
American Idol Six - Birmingham auditions
Posted by sarahk at 08:44 PM | Email This

Ryan just said the dumbest thing. Something like "Birmingham is the home of Bo Bice, Ruben Studdard, and Taylor Hicks. So we thought we'd come see what all the hype is about." Uhhh. All the hype is about Bo, Ruben, and Taylor. Well, not so much Ruben for me, but you get my picture.

Erica Skye (sp? I didn't is yelling "Unchained Melody", make that butchering "Unchained Melody", which she heard was Simon's favorite song. Oh good grief. She's gonna sing "Unchained Melody" by "Leann Rimes". It's not by her, but she did cover it, if you must know. You wish they would have been nicer? I wish you would have stopped singing when they asked you to the first time. Or the first ten times.

Katie Bernard. Um, I did not expect her to sound like that after hearing the Mickey Mouse speak. She can sing. I hated it, but I can't deny that she has a voice. I hope she sings differently, but she can sing. She's so stinking annoying but in a very cute way. Like she's the Kellie Pickler who could actually grow on me. The ridiculously annoying girl whom everyone loves for some inexplicable reason, but I could actually learn to like her. Except that she is not tone deaf like KP. Paula puts her through simply because Simon hates it.

Tatiana McConnico is 17 and fabulous. Yay, she's through.

Diana Walker is singing "Saving All My Love". Paula and Randy are laughing at her. She's really not so good, and she sounds like she's doing belly laughs on some of the notes. It is a little funny, I must say, but the way Randy and Paula are behaving... That's so RUDE!

Bernard Williams II. "Rock with You", and thankfully doesn't sound like Michael Jackson. I'm so over Michael Jackson. Sounds very good, and Simon says 100% yes. Paula says great tone but thinks it's off-key? What? Her eyes are kinda moving all funky, and her Coca-Cola glass is full of something that looks like water, right?

Margaret Fowler. She offends my senses with her Big Birdy ways. Haha, her name is Fowler. As in fowl. Chicken. Fowl. And she's fifty. Simon finally gets her confession.

Awww, that Coke commercial was totally cute.

Meet your next dumb blonde bombshell act. Jamie Lynn Ward. Except with an even more sobby awful sympathy-votey story. Sorry, but Frank and I laughed at that over-the-top story. Maybe not so much at the story itself, but the way she said it.

JUDGES: So tell us about yourself.
SYMPATHY VOTE: I live with my Grama. My dad's paralyzed.
JUDGES: Oh. I'm sorry. How?
SYMPATHY VOTE [matter-of-factly]: Oh. He shot himself. In the neck. [Just a-rockin' back and forth on her heels, grinnin'.]
JUDGES: Wow. Uh. Why?
SYMPATHY VOTE: Oh. It's ok. It just tells you to keep trying. No matter what. His wife was cheatin' on him. That's my step-mom. He shot her. Then he shot himself. Now he's paralyzed. And me and my Grama take care of him. Y'all wanna go get some ice cream?

Something like that. As you may have guessed, she's through to the next round. She actually had a pretty enough voice. And she's not tone-deaf like last year's sympathy vote. Randy and Paula said yes, and Simon said he would have said no. Oh, and her accent is even more over the top than Kellie Pickler's. And yes. She's from North Carolina. Yippee!

Chris Sligh, my favorite contestant so far. Finally, a contestant with a personality! Why are you here? "I wanna make David Hassellhoff cry." He references the tear on the Hoff's cheek in last year's finale when Taylor won. Hahahahahaha. Love it. Frank and I are instant fans. He has confidence but isn't pretentious. I could do without his overly shaky vibrato, but I think he won Simon over by proving that Americans have humor(humour) too. Paula's first seal clap of the the season, for a Seal song! And I'm pretty sure she's loopy now. And he's through to Hollywood.

Paula had to go back to Hollywood for a family obligation. She's related to Betty Ford? So now it's just Randy and Simon.


Rating: 2.2/5 (37 votes cast)

Comments (11) | American Idol ~ | SarahK's TV stuff
Frank Save Planet!
Posted by Frank J. at 05:32 PM | Email This

If carbon dioxide causes global warming, then all we need to do is create a device that removes one oxygen atom out of planet-killing carbon dioxide thus changing it to eco-friendly carbon monoxide!


Rating: 2.0/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (16)
Hagel: The Rare Nebraskan RINO
Posted by spacemonkey at 04:59 PM | Email This



Rating: 2.7/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (11)
Now a Research Tool
Posted by Frank J. at 04:38 PM | Email This

Search Inside the Book is now active for Chronicles of Dubya on Amazon.com. How many times is the phrase "Rumsfeld Strangler" used? How often does President Bush vow to murder someone dead? Now you can search and find out! It's the only source you'll need for political history from late 2002 until the end of 2003.

Rating: 2.1/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (3)
Posted by Laurence Simon at 03:18 PM | Email This

I would just like to remind loyal IMAO readers that we have no problem with underwear tossing when it comes to demonstrating your undying devotion to the IMAO weblog and podcast...

Underwear tossing was the deal breaker, a lawsuit brought against renowned opera singer Dame Kiri Te Kanawa contends.

Dame Kiri pulled out of a series of concerts with Australian crooner John Farnham after learning that fans sometimes threw underwear at the pop star, according to testimony in court Monday.

Concert promoter Leading Edge Events is suing the New Zealand-born Te Kanawa and her former manager, Nick Grace, for more than more than $464,000 for alleged breach of contract after the soprano decided not to participate in the 2005 tour.

A lawyer for Leading Edge, Richard Evans, told the New South Wales state Supreme Court that Grace knew Te Kanawa had some concerns about performing with Farnham, one of Australia's best-known pop singers.

"On many occasions Dame Kiri told Mr. Grace that she was not committed, and had some reservations about co-performing with John Farnham," Evans said, but those feelings were never relayed to the promoter.

"So the plaintiff was led into error in thinking if someone's pants ended up on the stage that was not enough to dissuade Dame Kiri from performing with John Farnham," Evans said.

What you choose to throw at your computer screen or at your podcast listening device is your own business, and we're all about that personal-choice, liberty decision stuff.

However, if you're listening to the podcast in your car, we strongly urge you to only throw underwear at the playback device that you're not already wearing. It's very dangerous to remove your udnerwear while driving (just ask Harvey).

And if you're reading the IMAO website in your car, well, for God's sake please pay attention to the road!

Rating: 2.3/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (6)
The Breck Girl and The Two Americas
Posted by spacemonkey at 02:11 PM | Email This

John Edwards was right. There are indeed two Americas. There's the one you and I live in. With the statue of Liberty, Wal-Marts and utility bills. And then there's the America that is completely contained within his new 28 THOUSAND square foot house mansion.

Palatial. But don't you worry about this man of the people. If the one term senator wins the presidency (unlikely), he won't have to downsize his digs. The White House, at 55,000 sf, is almost twice as big as Castle Edwards.

Rating: 2.1/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Know Thy Enemy: Global Warming Climate Change
Posted by Frank J. at 01:01 PM | Email This

Global climate change keeps making the news, and now Al Gore's documentary is scheduled to win an Oscar. Thus, I sent my crack research team to find out all they can about global climate change:


* Global climate change was first discovered during the Ice Age when some guy said, "Hey, it's been getting kinda cold lately." This was blamed on the activities of man, specifically their angering the moon god by giving it lackluster offerings of shiny beads.

* The first global warming fear came at the end of the Ice Age when noted climatologist Thag observed, "It get warm." Many didn't believe Thag and were unprepared for the coming ice cube shortage.

* Today, climate change is blamed on humans doing cool stuff like burning things and driving big trucks since these also anger the moon god.

* Earlier last century, it was believed that human activity was causing the world to cool. Now, it is believed human activity is causing the globe to warm. Eventually the two will merge into the global lukewarming theory and scientists will debate whether or not you'll need a jacket.

* Extremely cold winters are also evidence of global warming if they are observed when scientists declare it to be opposite day.


Rating: 3.0/5 (53 votes cast)

Comments (14) | Know Thy Enemy
Where have I been?
Posted by Laurence Simon at 12:55 PM | Email This

Some of you may have noticed that besides the Mahmoud Prays and Friday Catblogging and the shameless plugging of my Pickle Tales storytelling competition (I'm in the finals next week!), I've been kind of absent from here.

However, I'd like to take a moment to explain...


Rating: 2.6/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (4)
She's Not the Only One Who Is Resentful
Posted by Frank J. at 10:22 AM | Email This

Hillary Clinton demanded that President Bush get America out of Iraq before the end of his term. So, the Democrats do have a plan: Tell the President to solve all the problems. It's lucky we gave them power.

Seriously, though, Hillary is planning on being president after Bush, and the last thing she wants to have to deal with is a serious problem - she has our health care to screw up, ya know, and that's hard with a war going on. Also, Hillary demanded that Bush make sure the economy is on the rise before he leaves office (but not until just before he leaves office) and that Bush leave mints on the pillows before exiting the White House. In response, President Bush said he'd like Hillary to choke and die before the end of his term.

But don't we all?

Rating: 2.0/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (10)
January 29, 2007
Yellow Dog Democrats Come Out For Hillary
Posted by Frank J. at 10:01 PM | Email This

Rating: 2.4/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Jermaine Tells Michael: Mohammed Liked Young Children Too
Posted by RightWingDuck at 06:20 PM | Email This

Jermain Jackson, the brother of pop singer Michael Jackson stated that he hopes Michael will one day convert to Islam. Says Jermain, "Mohammed and Michael have a lot in common. They both seem to enjoy the company of young children and people are always misrepresenting them in public."

Jermain concedes that the example is extreme as nobody in Denmark has recently drawn defamatory pictures of Michael.

The prophet Mohammed married his wife Aisha when she was a six years old. Michael, who has been accused of inappropriate conduct with children said, "Even Mohammed didn't know the pain of being turned on by one of your own Rubby Buddies."

Jermain, a devout Muslim who came in second in the recent Big Brother TV show said "I lost to Bollywood star Shilpa Shetty. But that's okay. I think she was more a victim of racism than I was and deserved to win."

Michael is said to be taking the idea of conversion seriously. Said one assistant close to Michael, "I think he's concerned about whether he might have to wear another burqa."

Rating: 2.7/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (4)
Hillary Announces: If Mahmoud Cheats on Me, I Can Handle It.
Posted by RightWingDuck at 01:38 PM | Email This

Presidential Candidate Hillary Clinton today made a crowd laugh by telling them that she knows how to deal with evil men. The laughs lasted 31.4 seconds, (not that anyone was timing). People suspected that she was joking about handling evil Bill.

Said a visitor who saw the Clinton speech. “It really gave me a feeling of confidence to know that if the president of Iran cheats on Hillary, that she would be able to deal with it – no problem.”

Another onlooker agreed. “We don’t care if Kim Jong Il decides to nuke the entire Pacific Asian rim. We want to know if Hillary could handle him seeing other women.”

Hillary is leading in the polls over the other presidential candidate, Obama Barrack, who is fighting against accusations that he is African American.


Rating: 2.6/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (14)
Amendment XXVIII: America Is for Winners
An Editorial by Frank J.
Posted by Frank J. at 01:23 PM | Email This

 Democrats have lost their way, lost their minds, and lost their balls, so it logically proceeds that they want to lose the war. What I don't understand is why do we have to put up with these losers? Yes, they were elected, but they were obviously elected by other losers and everyone whose opinion counts hates losers. As my dad used to say to me every time before the start of my little league games, "If you lose, I'll beat you until Child Welfare Services takes you away. I don't tolerate losers because America is for winners." His words are as true today as they were then, but it seems we now have a country more tolerant of losers. And who tolerates the losers? Other losers. Thus only one solution exists: Deport the losers.

"Thus only one solution exists: Deport the losers."

 Rounding up losers and deporting them would technically be an easy feat since losers never put up much resistance (it's why they're losers). The problem is that, because of an erroneous interpretation of the Founding Fathers' intent, randomly deporting American citizens is considered unconstitutional. This would be easy to fix by making a new amendment to the Constitution that simply states "America is for winners." Then the Supreme Court would be forced to conclude that, since America is for winners, losers shouldn't be in America and must be deported.

 This would be an easy amendment to pass since losers tend to think they're winners (even though it it obvious to actual winners that they are losers). When the amendment is passed, an Unwinner Activities Council would have to be formed to root out losers infiltrated into American society. The Council would be composed of winners like war heroes and football players (winning football players - and not from that gay European football). When losers are identified, they would be put into those big metal cargo crates and shipped to whatever country we hate the most so the losers can help that country lose wars. And, other countries would be forced to accept our losers because we're winners. You don't want to mess with winners.

 When America is returned to being exclusively to winners, we can finally win all those wars and other stuff since there will no longer be anyone around saying, "Hey. Know what? We should lose." That's loser talk, and it won't be heard in America anymore unless that person wants to be deported. Then, full of only winners, America will be so great that all the world shall tremble at our might.

 Because we're winners.

Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as "The Chronicles of Dubya Volume 1: The Defeat of Saddam" and "Winners Would Buy This Book".

Rating: 2.5/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (24) | Editorials
Frank Advice: Obama Campaign Slogans
Posted by Frank J. at 10:23 AM | Email This

I gave help to the Hillary campaign, so I might as well not show favorites and help the Obama campaign with some slogan ideas as well:

Obama '08: White people say I'm articulate.

Obama '08: If you can get my named confused with Osama, maybe the terrorists will too and listen to me!

Obama '08: You don't know much about me, but I don't know much about you so it's all good.

Obama '08: Same old liberalism but with a big goofy smile.

Obama '08: My middle name is integrity! (that's what Hussein means in Arabic)

Obama '08: I'm non-threatening!

Obama '08: Charges that I went to a madrassa in Indonesia are lies of the infidel!

Obama '08: Not a power mongering shrew.

Obama '08: Look! I'm black!

Rating: 2.3/5 (31 votes cast)

Comments (49)
January 26, 2007
Friday Catblogging
Posted by Laurence Simon at 06:40 PM | Email This

Since it's Friday, I thought I'd spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka "I-MEOW").

Sorry I've been so quiet, but my Sony camera broke this week... just like that stupid Sony webcam that I torched last year.

Anyway, it's time for Nardo the Freak:

If you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Nardo is... um...

Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.

You can find more examples of Friday catblogging by searching a blog search engine such as Technorati for "catblogging."

You can also find a roundup of catblogging posts at The Friday Ark, located at The Modulator blog.

Then, when the weekend is nearly over, head over to The Carnival of the Cats for more kitty goodness.

There's also Flickr Groups called Furry Friday and Friday Catblogging.

Anybody I miss?


Rating: 2.3/5 (22 votes cast)

| Friday Cat-Blogging
What is Mah-
Posted by Laurence Simon at 05:38 PM | Email This

Well, Mahmoud Abbas is up at the Davos World Economic Forum gathering, so he's not going to let himself get photographed while praying for Israel's destruction.

However, there's still this guy:

He's Mohammed Lesko, the the Matthew Lesko of the Palestinian Territories, and he's got a book full of free government weapons, free United Nations funded weapons and small mosque weapons!

Want an eternity in Paradise?
Want seventy-two virgins?

Well, just buy this book, and get the weapons you deserve!

Rating: 1.7/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (14)
Bush Declares Weapons Aimed At Iran Meant For Peaceful Purposes
Posted by RightWingDuck at 04:21 PM | Email This

President Bush today maintained that the United States has no plans for attacking Iran. .

Declared the President, "Sure we have missiles and tanks lined up and ready to go. And the B1 Bombers have their coordinates set, but we are using all this for peaceful purposes. By having these airplanes ready, we ensure that we save energy by not being indoors all the time and running the air conditioning. Saving energy is definitely a peaceful purpose bragged the President." Most of the B1 Bombers are EnergyStar compliant.

The president also asserted that with all the savings, he could use all that money to "Wipe Iran Off the Map.' Some translators, who had difficulty understanding the president, think he might have used the word "World Peace" instead of deadly swath of Iranian destruction.

Tapes are being reviewed.

In response to this statement, the United Nations weighed the option of officially rebuking Israel.

More from IMAO News as this develops.

Rating: 2.5/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Obama Smear #2
Posted by RightWingDuck at 03:51 PM | Email This

The first Obama smear turned out to be fake. For those of you who don't know, there were rumors that Obama had attended a madrassa as a youngster. Turns out that it isn't true. What a shame.

Who knows, maybe one day we will have a candidate who graduated from a Madrassa like UC Berkeley or something.

Anyway, after doing much research, I am starting to unearth more and more dirt on this Obama character.

This is too good and will surely vault IMAO to international fame.


Below the fold


Rating: 2.4/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Pledge: Not Just for Wood Anymore!
Posted by Frank J. at 11:40 AM | Email This

Hugh Hewitt has a pledge you can sign up for that reads:

If the United States Senate passes a resolution, non-binding or otherwise, that criticizes the commitment of additional troops to Iraq that General Petraeus has asked for and that the president has pledged, and if the Senate does so after the testimony of General Petraeus on January 23 that such a resolution will be an encouragement to the enemy, I will not contribute to any Republican senator who voted for the resolution. Further, if any Republican senator who votes for such a resolution is a candidate for re-election in 2008, I will not contribute to the National Republican Senatorial Committee unless the Chairman of that Committee, Senator Ensign, commits in writing that none of the funds of the NRSC will go to support the re-election of any senator supporting the non-binding resolution.

Dean Barnett also has an FAQ on the subject.

You know how I feel that internet petitions are even more useless than internet polls, but this is a bit different in that you have bloggers (including Glenn Reynolds - though he's not a Republican) and blog readers who tend to be more politically involved and make more campaign contributions than the average citizens making an ultimatum against the Republican leadership. And it's gotten over 16,000 signatures so far.

I'm not one of them. I'm still of the opinion that the troop morale won't be hurt because none of them are paying attention to the idiots in Congress. Also, I don't think the enemy will be encouraged because by now even they have probably started ignoring their impotent cheering squad in America. So I'm all for letting the babies have their bottles (and I think President Bush should say so; actually, it would benefit the dialog in Washington if he referred to Congressmen as "babies" more often). It's better than them doing something binding to hurt the war effort.

John Hawkins is also against the pledge, though I don't know if I buy all of his argument that, if we do this, then next we'll be doing ultimatums over stem cell research and amnesty. The war has always been a special issue (just look at the blogosphere to see all the bloggers who disagree over so many other topics who have united to support the war), so I don't think extreme measure on its behalf will seep over elsewhere.

Anyway, that's what I think. I thought I'd tell you about the pledge if you wanted to sign, though, because the first purpose of IMAO is to inform. Frankly, I'd be more interested in a pledge people could sign saying they would punch liberals in their dumb monkey faces as soon as they saw them. Then liberals would take note of all the people who signed saying they will punch them, and thus the liberals will take measures to keep their dumb monkey faces out of public. That's something that would benefit this country.

Rating: 1.8/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (11)
Hillary Fan Club Name Challenge!
Posted by Frank J. at 09:30 AM | Email This

Had enough fun coming up with Hillary '08 campaign slogans?* Well, Jim Treacher (now blogging at The Daily Gut with everyone's favorite HuffPoster) is trying to come up with a name for a Hillary Clinton fan club.

Rodham's Rangers?

Hillary's Hellions?

I dunno; that one is a challenge.


I had missed the spirit that Treacher's fan club names were made in. Here's another try:

"Leaders Interested in Associating with Rodham"

* The correct answer is "No. I could never be done with that. It's pure comedy gold!"

Rating: 2.3/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (58)
Unlike Other Blogs, IMAO Supports Democracy
Posted by Frank J. at 09:04 AM | Email This

Apparently, some right-wing blogs have not been supportive of the Hillary Clinton campaign and have scared away her BlogAd. You'll notice that Senator Hillary Clinton's ad is still here at IMAO as we acknowledge her bid for the presidency for what it is: A beautiful celebration of democracy. Hillary Clinton is one of many choices that will be available to the American people, and the more options we are given, the better our democratic nations strives. So, not only is a Hillary Clinton campaign representative of the advancement women have made in this world, but the choice it gives us is an acknowledgment of one of God's greatest gifts to us: Free will.

Also, I would like to remind whomever is in charge of buying the ads that you'll save money at IMAO by purchasing ad space at larger increments than just a week. It's a great deal! Don't pass it up and be kicking yourself if Hillary doesn't make it through the primary!

Rating: 2.7/5 (25 votes cast)

Comments (5)
January 25, 2007
Let's Vote on Whether to Throw a Public Hissy-Fit
Posted by Frank J. at 04:25 PM | Email This

The Democrats, in power but still as impotent as ever, are working on non-binding resolutions to oppose President Bush's new strategy in Iraq. Since they're non-binding, they don't actually do anything, but a number of conservatives argue that these resolutions will hurt troop morale by sending the message that the mission is in vain.

It's a stupid argument, though.

Am I supposed to believe that our troops in Iraq, who are in the middle of very serious work, are going to take even a moments notice of what the jackasses in Congress are up to? I don't buy it.

So, I'm all for non-binding resolutions. In fact, if Congress did nothing but pass non-binding resolutions, the world would be a better place.

Rating: 2.6/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (12)
College Party Mocks White People?
Posted by RightWingDuck at 12:21 PM | Email This

Another college frat party has drawn the condemnation of civil rights groups. Said a spokesman for PWGUAE - People Who Get Upset About Everything. "Just as we complained against white people mocking Martin Luther King day by partying with Aunt Jemima, eating fried chicken, and wearing gangster clothing - so too is it wrong for African Americans to mock those who are white."

This latest outcry comes froma college party where African Americans gathered to celebrate and obviously mock white people.

Said one witness, "It was awful. They gathered round and sipped wine and champagne. There was an area where African American women gathered, and many of them weren't even single mothers."

Said another alarmed witness to the party, "It was horrible and insensitive. There was good grammar and diction everywhere. Many of them even held jobs!"

However, the fraternity had a defense. Said a spokesperson whose organization hosted the party. "Get over yourselves people. This wasn't a gathering to mock white people. This was a meeting of the Black Republicans."

The matter is still under investigation by the local college.

Rating: 2.6/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (13)
Frank Advice: Hillary Campaign Slogans
Posted by Frank J. at 11:05 AM | Email This

With the Hillary Clinton advertising on IMAO, I think it would be nice to offer her some help. Here are my ideas for her presidential campaign slogans:

Hillary '08: Your soul is mine!

Hillary '08: No power in the 'verse can stop me!

Hillary '08: Naked ambition given human form.

Hillary '08: It's time for a woman president whether you want it or not.

Hillary '08: Don't vote for that black guy!

Hillary '08: America has existed long enough.

Hillary '08: Comedy gold!

Hillary '08: Satan compels you.

Hillary '08: The survivors will envy the dead.

Hillary '08: You'll get a 10,000% return on your investment.

Hillary '08: If I scare you this much, think of what's it will be like for America's enemies.

Hillary '08: With me as president, the Mexicans will stop trying to get in here.

Hillary '08: Because God hates you.

Rating: 2.6/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (109)
Help Hillary Blog
Posted by spacemonkey at 12:46 AM | Email This
"We're looking for your ideas on how we can work together for change."

They want submissions for a 'first blog post' on her official blog.

My entry is as follows:

A great way to work for change is with a tin cup or a cardboard sign that says "Will work for food". Though not technically work, this sort of activity does often result in the exchange of change. This is especially true in high traffic areas.

Another way is to look under vending machines in company break rooms. I've had some success at finding change while doing this. It is more work than just standing there with a cup or sign. Its more honorable than taking a handout too.

These are my ideas for working for change.

Also, you might (ghost) write another book. That could net you a couple of nickels also. And the ghost can do the work.That's sort of working together.

Glad to help.


Hope I didn't help too much.

Rating: 2.1/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (12)
January 24, 2007
American Idol Six -- New York auditions
Posted by sarahk at 09:36 PM | Email This

Carole Bayer Sager is sitting in as guest judge. Let's be hopeful that she'll say more than Jewel did in her stint.

Our first giant loser is Ian Benardo. He has chinchilla fur, two therapists, and his name on his shirt. He deserves every bit of ridicule he gets, except that is what he wants. He just asked Simon for his visa and accused him of being an illegal. And now he's being ousted by security and there he goes saying Simon is the dangerous illegal one. And even Ryan looks annoyed and pushes Ian down the hall, and they could have cut about ten minutes out of his tirade, and I think I would have gotten the point. It's like in those church hymns where the 2nd or 3rd verse has a star next to it, and the star means that you can drop that verse without changing the meaning of the hymn. What a turd.

Sarah Burgess lied to her parents to audition. Her dad doesn't want her to audition or be a singer. If she goes, he won't help her with school or college. I'm sure he won't see it on TV or hear about it at all. Nobody watches this show. She's very pretty. And there goes the crying. Can someone tell me why everyone is singing "Call Me" this year? Did it have a comeback this year or get packaged on the B side of "Black Horse and the Cherry Tree" and I just am not cool and didn't get the text? "hey sk! dl call me by blondie on2 ur ipod stat! it's the bomb! over." Are they even saying "It's the bomb" these days? I doubt it -- I'm showing my geekiness. I don't care, y'all can all shut up. Anyway, I like her. Like Simon says, she doesn't have the best voice, but I think she can improve, and I think she'll try. And she is bawling like a baby, and I love contestants like her, because she's weepy and genuinely feeling it. And terrified of telling her daddy. Wow, he must be a big meanie. No look, he's supportive. Or knows he's on TV. Notice that TV cut, where Ryan must have said, "Bob, don't say anything you don't want broadcast on national television." Bob's first reaction sounded happily surprised, and he just wants her home safely, blah blah blah. So she's so happy. Nice story. I hope she works hard in Hollywood. BTW, I kinda cried like a baby at her story too. But I cry at GEICO commercials, so that's not saying much. That poor, misunderstood caveman.


Rating: 2.0/5 (27 votes cast)

Comments (11) | American Idol ~ | SarahK's TV stuff
I hope he remembered to count his fingers . . .
Posted by Frank J. at 08:53 PM | Email This


Rating: 2.2/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 03:43 PM | Email This

John Kerry (who served in Vietnam) has decided not to run for president. What was his charismatic appeal often compared to?


Rating: 2.4/5 (24 votes cast)

Comments (11) | Fun Trivia
Sympathy for the Democrat
Posted by Frank J. at 12:54 PM | Email This

You kinda have to feel for Nancy Pelosi last night. Most people attending can nod off and just follow the lead of the other Congressmen around him about clapping and standing, but Pelosi was right there in front of the camera and had to listen to every statement of the speech and think, "Was that a generic pro-America statement I can clap for, or would clapping now be interpreted as support of the President's policy?" And, she knew if she misstepped and looked like she was supporting Bush, the nutroots would start screaming, "Pelosssi sssuportsss Booosssh! We will eatsss her ssskin!"

You don't want that.

Rating: 2.0/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (10)
That About Sums It Up
Posted by Frank J. at 10:05 AM | Email This


From The Corner.

Rating: 2.1/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (15)
"Get Them a Body Bag! Yeah!"
Posted by Frank J. at 09:14 AM | Email This

I didn't watch the State of the Union last night. The White House made the mistake of e-mailing me the outline ahead of time. When I saw bullet points for health care and global warming but nothing about making our enemies suffer - the only thing I care about. I decided to instead watch the CSI: Miami we had on our Tivo (didn't have enough time to watch it Monday night since there was also 24 and Heroes). At least with CSI: Miami I got some red meat with an anti-Castro message.

Like every President Bush speech I don't bother to watch, it ended up getting pretty good reviews. Still, talk isn't going to help very much at this point. I actually want to see our enemy crying for mercy in front of the President and then see Bush spit on them before kicking them in the face. Then I'll know he's not just serious about taking on terrorism, he's also going to sweep the leg. No mercy!

I'm praying the surge goes well and there's the proper follow through. We're America, and we only ever lose wars if we decide to give up... which we never ever should.

So, for those who saw the speech, what did you think? Or were you distracted so much with Pelosi staring at you that you didn't hear anything?

Rating: 2.2/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (15)
January 23, 2007
American Idol Season Six - Memphis auditions
Posted by sarahk at 10:53 PM | Email This

All of Memphis audtioned for American Idol this year.

I would like to say that I want to see more good auditions, fewer awful ones, and zero instances of Simon saying people look like monkeys.

This first guy's name is Frank Byers, so he should go to the next round, because my husband's name is Frank. Scratch that. I am not enjoying this. It is wonky and feels like a Slinky to me. He could sing, but I felt like he was a Slinky. And now two men are lifting Ryan in the air. Hrm.

Timika Sims. That is an unfortunate place for her hoodie string's knot to be. She's never sung in front of anyone before. And Randy is off his nut this year. He just laughs at everyone. You're bad? Randy will laugh at you. You're awful? It's a laugh from Randy.

Christopher Rivera. Another joke. Somebody slashed his pants with a machete covered in paint.

Alexis Partee, the stripper with the bangle bracelets that went out in the 1980s. I have nothing to say about that.

This guy's dad named him Sundance Head. It was hell to grow up with that name, he says. I'm so glad he owns it, because if he makes it through, I will have so much fun with that. The marquee says Jason 'Sundance' Head. Ooh, and he's from Texas. And he starts singing, and can he just sing for the entire hour? Why do they have to show all these other jokers at all? Just let this guy hit those high notes that left me breathless. Ok, enough cliches. (One is enough for me.) And I'm a big Taylor Hicks fan, but I have to agree with Simon. This *snicker* Sundance guy (it helps me say it if I say the word "guy" after his name) is better at first glance. We'll see how he stacks up. I hope he's not one of those that Simon was talking about that made it to Hollywood and then crumbled before the final 24.


Rating: 2.2/5 (32 votes cast)

Comments (6) | American Idol ~ | SarahK's TV stuff
President Bush announces plan at State of the Union . .
Posted by Frank J. at 10:07 PM | Email This

to declare Congress a national RINO habitat.
The U.S. Treasury is mobilizing a fleet of armored cars to deliver the steady stream of leafy green that these ravenous beasts subsist on.

Rating: 2.8/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (7)
SOTU Live Blog
Posted by spacemonkey at 09:04 PM | Email This

-A woman and some MEN in black dresses walked out of a hidey hole.

-More people (men and women) more normallly dressed are walking out of some hidey hole.

-No president yet, will he show?

-He made it, people are cheering! Did his approval rating go up? Checking, no not up.

-Everyone wants to shake the POTUS's hand. Are they trying to give him some biological agent? Time will tell.

Pelosi: Here's the president! Like you didn't already know.

W: The Speaker, she's a woman! And a madam!

Cheney looks like he wants to smack her. With the gavel.

W: Economy is going good, Democrats please don't muck it up. Balance the budget, YAY! Without raising taxes.
W: I'll make a budget, a good one!

-Shrillery looks like a spooky chinese doll with murder eyes.

W: Pork bad, sneaky bad, dark of night bad. Needs killing.

-Teddy K lookslike he just passed out. Hope he's not driving.

W: Schools need to be better, we need to make them better, lets spend money!

I think Cheney farted.

W: Insurance needs to be affordable. Government can help.

W: lots of numbers health related numbers.

I think Cheney is eating something. Pelosi keeps scanning the room, looking for John Connor?

W: Patients and Doctors need to make decisions not whomever is making them now.

W: Borders and laws need to be secure. Double the border patrol.

Now Pelosi is eating something too. do they have sunflower seeds?

W: Power, we can burn everything we get our hands on! Except gasoline. Reduce gas usage.

W: Reduce oil consumption by 35 BILLION barrels by 2017.

Some guy got really happy at that, too happy.

W: Terror is scary and bad, remember 9/11, I do. I started some wars over it.

W: We have allies and they help us kill the terrorists. The terrorists suck and it sucks to be them. We caught some being very naughty. Thanks to everybody who has helped.

W: Al Queda are Sunni Extremists, they are not nice. toTAlitarian ideals.

W: There are some Shia Extremists too, also, they are bad. They are Iranians and want to nuke us.

Pelosi eye-strobes are firing rapidly

W: Some good things are happening in the middle east, I will list all I can think of.

W: There's bad stuff over there too, don't blame me for all of it, those people hate each other!

W; We need a surge of troops.

Pelosi not smiling. Wonder why. Cheney sees someone he knows. There are soldiers in the audience.

W: Baghdad not secure, we want to secure it, we even talked about it. With some generals.

W: Chaos in Iraq is the terrorist's best friend.

W: You don't want us to lose? Then quit acting like losers. We are in it (GWOT) for the long haul.

W: More troops, Bigger Army and Marines. Reserve corps.

- Then my dad called and I quit watching.

Rating: 2.0/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (11)
Black Caucuses for Black People
Posted by Frank J. at 02:27 PM | Email This

Rep. Stephen Cohen - a whitey - tried to get into the Congressional Black Caucus.

That's crazy. Black Caucuses are for black people. Just look at the name of it: the Black Caucus. See the "black" in there? Kinda hard to mistake it for the Honkey Cracker Whitey Caucus - which is where Rep. Cohen belongs, so says I and the black people of the Black Caucus.

What made whitey white man Rep. Cohen think he could join the blackest caucus around? He represents a district that's majority black. Well, that just makes him all the more suspicious. You're telling me that, in a district full of black people, they had to resort to electing some cracker? This is a clear case of the white man keeping the black man down.

I'm glad that the Black Caucus is remaining black, though. We as a country have advanced too far on racial issues to not separate each other by color.

Rating: 2.4/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (9)
The Sole Job of the Federal Government
Posted by Frank J. at 12:23 PM | Email This

President Bush is giving his State of the Union Address tonight. I once again will give some advice to him as, if he'd followed my advice from the beginning, everyone would be dead by now (especially bad people).

Many people, including me, are disappointed in the Bush presidency. He has time to change things, but he has to make sure to focus the rest of his term only on what is important. And what is important for the federal government? Handling foreign people.

There are many foreign people in the world, and they all have wants and desires that I don't understand nor particularly care about. Many of them want to kill us, and other want to... uh... do other stuff to us (I'm not sure what because they speak in their own made up languages). Now, I don't have time to try and understand these foreign people, and I especially don't have time to fly to their foreign lands and handle these foreign people. That's why I pay taxes to the federal government: to handle the foreign people. The idea is I handle my own crap, and the government takes care of the foreign people.

If President Bush wants to be seen as a great leader, he needs to tell the American people, "I don't want any of you worrying about foreign people. We, the federal government, have got that handled." I know I'll sleep better at night if I know the federal government is taking care of the foreign people by either shooting them in the face, giving them food, yelling at them, or giving them gifts of brand new hats... whatever it is the foreign people need so they won't bother us. I don't understand those needs, but, then again, I don't have the resources of the federal government.

With foreign people, both those overseas and those just across the border that separates American from foreignness, taken care of, Americans can now focus on America and the things we do best like engineering and making new potato chip flavors. With foreign people out of the way, the path to American prosperity will no longer be littered with unshaven people who speak gibberish. Thus, we will be in a golden age.

So, Mr. President, it is your job to usher in this golden age. You tell us tonight that you will handle the foreign people. And then you handle the foreign people.

Rating: 2.5/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Fun Facts About Utah
Posted by Harvey at 11:10 AM | Email This

While the IMAO podcast is still MIA, I'm going to keep posting the latest uncut Fun Facts About The 50 States - hopefully on a weekly(ish) schedule.

(continued in extended entry)


Rating: 2.5/5 (57 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Fun Trivia
Thought of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 09:50 AM | Email This

I wish I were a misanthrope and hated people because then life would be so much easier. If I heard of some big problem in the world, I'd just say, "Well, that only affects people, and I don't like them." Instead, I care about people, so when something goes wrong that affects people, I exclaim, "Oh no! Not people! I like them!" And, basically, that's most of my day.

Rating: 2.0/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (12)
January 22, 2007
You make the call!
Posted by Frank J. at 09:50 PM | Email This


Got a better caption?

Rating: 2.0/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (20)
IMAO makes an appearance on Technorati Buzz
Posted by RightWingDuck at 07:07 PM | Email This

Yay for me!!

I just had my last post shown on Technorati's Buzz Segment. If you haven't heard of Buzz it's...

(Insert Generic Ass-Kissing Phrases Here)

Yay, me!!

Rating: 2.7/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 04:59 PM | Email This

How effective has Speaker Pelosi been?


Rating: 2.5/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (11) | Fun Trivia
Democrats Have Tails But Conceal the Fact by Keeping Them Tucked Neatly Between Their Legs
Posted by Frank J. at 03:24 PM | Email This

As Democrats are dragged kicking and screaming to having to say something about the war, their running out of euphemisms for "retreat" as "redeployment" as gone about as far as it can go. Here are some new terms they're looking at:

"A reverse momentum surge."

"A French Blitz."

"Amazing Race: Out of Baghdad Edition"

"Stand strong against the enemy from far far away."

"Emulate the superhero Flash... but just the running really fast part and not the heroism."

If you have other suggestions for the Democrats, put them in the comments.

Rating: 2.9/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (25)
The Main Challenge Facing Conservatives Today Is for Them to Stop Being a Bunch of Hysterical Little Girls
An Editorial by Frank J.
Posted by Frank J. at 01:06 PM | Email This

 I think the silliest thing about the left-wing nutters is this "reality based" world they live; it's sort of like a role playing game based on the real world and sit in their basements pretending their blog posting and internet petitions are saving America from being overtaken by fascism. "I'm a level five activist with an enchanted placard of influence!" Because these people are completely worthless and have nothing else in life, so politics can't simply be about competing view points about how to get to the same end, they need to prop it up to being a struggle to save the world. It's silly and inane, but it makes them feel important. Also, it makes me want to kick them in the balls and shout, "Loser!" for the sake of their education.

"Is Zach Braff manly? Not at all!"

 Of course, such self-inflation isn't monopolized by liberal weenies. The Democrats have won an election which brings the inevitably brings out whiny fears from the right about the Dems destroying our country. Many on the right are sure their issue is under attack, and, as goes their pet issue, thus goes the fate of mankind. For instance, I don't know how I got on these mailing lists, but everyday I get like fifty different e-mails about how President Bush is about to sell our sovereignty to Mexico with such over hyped urgency I just want to shout, "Bitch, be cool!"

 Now, there are a lot of problems in the world today... but for reference, I should mention there were a lot of problems in the world yesterday. Plus, there will still be plenty tomorrow. The one thing I know about handling problems is that it helps to project strength, and you don't project strength about getting bloody hysterical about every issue out there. Is running around like Chicken Little showing strength? No, he was voice by Zach Braff. Is Zach Braff manly? Not at all!

 "But Frank!" you say (well, not you, my readers - one of those hysterical people I'm talking about), "There are real problems out there with illegal immigration and Muslims!" Yes, there are real problems out there that should be handled, but there's a difference between recognizing a wasp can sting you and it will hurt and jumping up and down on a table and screaming because a wasp is in the room.

 For instance, let's look at two issues that conservatives tend to be concerned (or too concerned) about: illegal immigration and the spread of Muslim extremists (often in the same circle known simply as "Muslims"). With illegal immigration, we have an uncontrolled border in which Mexicans and sometimes terrorists slip through. The Mexicans harm the economy by taking jobs away from Americans. Many also don't speak English and don't emulate our culture.

 But that's it!

 Sure, it's plenty and a problem that must be addressed, but it's not going to destroy the country. I mean, really, how do some of the alarmist think the Mexicans are going to take over the country? "If we don't handle this problem RIGHT NOW then one day you'll turn around and then there will be nothing but Mexicans and then they'll... uh... and take their sombreros and..." And why is it that the main people I see going on and on about how illegal immigration is going to destroy our country not anyone who has a job that a Mexican can steal? I know there are some out there, but so many people so overly concerned with illegal immigration aren't directly affected at all - which is a red flag when you're looking for real concern versus puffed up invented concern. If you're one of those people with a ranch near the border and want to join the Minutemen, more power to you. Everyone else, just chill. And those who think the government is secretly plotting to form a North American Union, please commit yourself to the nearest institution.

 As for the Islamic extremists, there are plenty of them and they are plotting to kill us right now. Also plotting to kill you: the ant colony you accidentally stepped on. Yes, the Muslims are a greater threat, but they have about as much chance of taking over the world and imposing Sharia on everyone as the ants have of taking over the world and making us work in their underground sugar mines. Nitwits with bombs are very bad and we must make every effort we can to stop them, but as bad as things get, it's still going to be a million times more likely you'll die in a car crash than because of a Muslim.

 "But they're growing in number and their population will overtake Europe and..." Oh, shut up. Sure, extremists will gain ground in some areas, but the whole thing collapses when any of those idiots actually tries to hold power. You may think the most radical Muslims are immune from reality, but reality, which is very large and often very angry, is not scared of Islamists. Reality is plotting to crush them even as we speak.

 A wise man once said, "If you see ten troubles coming down the road, you can be sure that nine will run into the ditch before they reach you." To put it another way, stop freaking out thinking that every problem in the distance is about to run you over. Handle things for what they are, but don't pretend every issue is some struggle to save the soul of the world. If you want to pretend to be important, go play "reality based" Dungeons & Dragons in a basement with some Kos Kid. Or, better yet, be a real conservative and face things for what they are instead of being a hysterical little girl. If you don't, it could be the end of society as we know it.

Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as "The Chronicles of Dubya Volume 1: The Defeat of Saddam" and "Shades of Evil: America's Growing Tree Threat".

Rating: 2.1/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (13) | Editorials
And the Token Jew makes it into Round Five of Pickle Tales...
Posted by Laurence Simon at 12:19 PM | Email This

Well, I've made it this far... Podcast Pickle's Pickle Tales is out with Round Five, and it's down to three storytellers: me and two other chumps.

The topic was some namby-pamby crap about World Peace, but they didn't say which world that peace would break out on. So, I had a little fun... and the judges got whiny about it, it seems.

Pfeh. General Zwoporo can take care of them later.

Until then, the Pickle Tales feed has Round 5 available for download.

I want to warn y'all that my piece is a serious gut-buster, beverage-blowing laugh-riot. You will ruin your keyboard, monitor, pants, and even your car if you're driving while listening.

Now, if you haven't registered for their forums to vote for the best piece, please do so.

Then, listen to all three stories and vote for the best one by someone without the word "Ross" in their name.

Thank you, and I'm looking forward to driving the judges nuts in Round Six for the title and the glory of IMAO.


Rating: 2.2/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (1)
It's always happy shiny pretty in Hillary Land
Posted by RightWingDuck at 12:18 PM | Email This

Hillary Clinton seems to have announced her first steps towards seeking the presidency. However, in her video announcement, there seems to be some question as to the background and whether this was shot recently or long ago. At least when Obama Bin Laden shoots a video, he throws in a few references to current events as he stands in front of some Afghani cave.

Oops. My bad, I got my names confused.

At least when Obama Barrack makes an announcement, he throws in a few references to current events as he stands in front of the DNC Cave.

Anyway, take a look for yourself.


She either shot this video months ago or they did some creative background work.

Very devious if you ask me.

Not only that, she's done this before. IMAO has obtained exclusive footage of other "pre-taped" Hillary announcements. Check out the screenshots below the fold.


Rating: 2.2/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (2)
Hitting the rails...
Posted by Laurence Simon at 10:30 AM | Email This

I don't think these personal rail transporters will catch on in France as a motorcar replacement... I mean, how are angry young Muslims going to burn the things?

Rating: 2.2/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (4)
I thought I was out, but they keep pulling me back in!
Posted by Laurence Simon at 10:25 AM | Email This

Dear Yasser,

It looks like my retirement may be short lived. My countrymen want me to be President of Ghana.

First, I've got to learn where Ghana is on a map. So, I asked my old friend Mark Malloch-Brown to find it on a map for me, but he wasn't of much help.

"That goddamned Gook fired my ass!" growled Mark. "That goddamned Gook!"

He kept clawing at his arms, scraping large red streaks through the bandages that we had taped to them.

We'll hold a meeting about using duct-tape to keep them on later.

Still needed to find Ghana on a map. I called the Ghanian Embassy, but they kept shouting "Viva Fidel!" and hanging up.

Have they changed all the numbers?

I know they've changed the locks. I tried to get into my old office, and my old skeleton key didn't fit.

"Woman already come to empty out the wastebins!" shouted a short Asian man in a suit. "Or you with the caterers?"

I didn't have the heart to tell him that it was my old office he was in, my old secretaries he was ordering around instead of molesting, and my old checkbook he was writing checks to himself with.

So I head back home, in only one limo instead of a motorcade.

Then, I tried to run Google to find it, but Google.un wasn't coming up at all.

Didn't we take over the Internet when I was running the UN? I swear, we had lots of meetings about that.

Anyway, I called a travel agent about Ghana, and they laughed at me and hung up.

This is not going well.

But then, what do I know about running a country? My forte is with diplomacy, telling people who to run their countries.

More than one country there. Big difference... you don't have to give a crap about the people in each country... just their leaders as your shaking hands and sipping tea and collecting the contributions to my retirement fund.

Then there's the whole idea of running just one army with one language. How exactly can you make excuses for massacres and genocides when a simple command-and-control structure is in place? Next thing you know, they'll have laws against soldiers hacking citizens to bits and raping those that don't have the decency to die of their wounds.


Oh, I'd take the job, sure, but I wish I had someone with vast years of experience in running a coutnry and government to advise me.

Like you, oh great leader. What a wonderful mind there was underneath your kaffiyeh, always coming up with the right solution to every problem.

Oh, how I miss you, Yasser. In so many ways. We could have made Ghana a second Palestine, a Paradise of good governance.

It was not meant to be, I guess.



Rating: 1.5/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (3)
It's Like Sophie's Choice... If She Hated All Her Children
Posted by Frank J. at 10:10 AM | Email This

Pajamas Media is going to have a running straw poll up until the presidential primaries. Eventually, they'll have more features and we should be able to keep track of just how IMAO readers are voting (it would be the IMAO precinct), but right now you can just go to the PJM site and vote at the top of the page. Not only do you get to choose the Republican candidate, but you can pick the Democrat one as well.

Now, I'm not of the school of strategically titling the Democrat primary to a candidate easier to beat, because the Democrats could nominate a horrible candidate and then, through some huge mishap on the Republican side, he or she could actually gets elected. That's why I was glad when Reno lost in the Florida gubernatorial primary in 2002 when it seemed like the only reason she was running was to piss off the Cubans.

Anyway, pick from the Democrats who you'd actually want to be president if you'd have to choose from that group and then come back here and say who and why (and tell us your Republican pick as well). I'd say who I'd vote for, but I have a financial interest.

Incidentally, I think all the Republican and Democratic candidates listed are great! They could really help their campaigns to advertise on IMAO, though.

Rating: 2.3/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (1)
Hillary '08!
Posted by Frank J. at 09:06 AM | Email This

I hope everyone is as excited as I am that Hillary Clinton has entered the race. It's really time that America elects a woman president, and I can think of none better than Hillary. She is the smartest pol out there and a dynamic personality.

Go Hillary!

FULL DISCLOSURE: Hillary Clinton's exploratory committee is the first to buy ad space on IMAO at our newly inflated "Campaign '08" prices, and, if you don't click through the ad to encourage further ad buys, I'll stab you.

Rating: 2.5/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (12)
imao.tv is on the air . . .
Posted by Frank J. at 06:48 AM | Email This


Rating: 2.9/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (7)
24 Day 6 -- 9 a.m. to 10 a.m.
Posted by sarahk at 02:29 AM | Email This

I would give a spoiler alert, but if you still haven't caught up with your Tivo, you watch even more TV than we do, and that is crazy insane. You should cut back. Or take fewer business trips.

Note: It took me all week to come back to this episode and finish this hour of 24, because I hated it. It ended horribly. Not the nuke. Yeah, that was bad, but we all knew that was going to happen. Something huge was coming, or else all those commercials were waaaaaay overhyping the premier. But for Jack to shoot Curtis in the neck to save a terrorist who has killed hundreds, probably thousands of Americans? That was one of the suckiest plot twists ever ever. Frank says that they originally considered having Jack kill Tony to save Robocop last season, and this was just that horrible leftover plot device. You know, sometimes when leftovers have been sitting in my refrigerator for too long, if I just take them out and put them on the TV trays and say, "Mmm, eat up!" do you know what happens? Nothing, because I would never do that. Frank and I would get food poisoning, and I would never do that to my husband, because I love him and respect him too much. Leftovers have a shelf life.

Furthermore, the only reason I'm finishing my snark is because my husband, whom I love more than anyone else in the whole world, really wants me to. He also wants me to keep doing these every week, and he is the head of the household. Plus, I'm funnier when I think the show is stupid. Which is now, 24. I hate you and your Curtis-killing hero. I'm officially out of the Jack Bauer fan club. Do you know whom I heart? Horatio Caine, who is killing terrorists on Monday nights at 10 eastern. That's right. Horatio never would have killed Curtis. He would have taken off his sunglasses, called the president, told the president that he would not head up the mission if Assad got a pardon ("I appreciate your help and will get you through this day alive, sir, but there are families out there who still need answers for your past crimes."), looked at Curtis, said, "We'll find another way," put the sunglasses back on, "we'll find another way."

Jack is whack, and I don't love him anymore.

Oh, BTW. When everyone looks back and tries to figure out when 24 jumped the shark? It's this episode.

Previously on 24...

Do you wonder why they didn't give Numir new clothes? Orange stands out, no? Whatever, it's not like I want him to be safe out there. Bill is yelling at CTU for doing really bad jobs. Have any of them slept in weeks? Maybe you should bring in nap rooms like all the cool companies are doing, Bill. It's your fault they lost Numir! No, wait, it's the president's fault that he was letting a hundred or so terrorists go by negotiating with terrorists. Something you -- say it with me -- don't do.

Numir is German and moved to the Middle East eight years ago. He's evil. Evil Germans! Wait. Those are my people. Hey, I should get all offended and demand an apology from 24! Oh wait, I'm not a big fat baby like some people.


Rating: 2.2/5 (26 votes cast)

Comments (14) | SarahK's TV stuff
January 20, 2007
California Legislature Spanking Ban
Posted by Harvey at 12:19 PM | Email This

Democratic California Assemblywoman Sally Lieber has vowed to introduce legislation this week banning the spanking of elected officials.

"Currently we face the ridiculous situation of having our law condone justifiable beating of legislators," said Lieber. "Sure, I love a good spanking as much as the next consenting adult, but only if it involves a leather riding crop and a safety word. But using phyical violence to punish legislators for passing stupid laws? That's just WRONG!".

Governor Schwarzenegger seemed to agree, citing the corrective effects of both scheduled and recall elections. "We can discipline our legislators without hitting," he said.

Under current law, any legislator that proposes, votes for, or passes any legislation in violation of either the Constitution or common sense can have "the stupid beat out of his ass" with an 18 by 6 inch wooden paddle.

Lieber disagrees with the policy.

"Most people know you should not hit legislators, and legislators do not know right from wrong," she said. "Legislators you have to distract, remove, supervise, protect... preferrably with a shiny stack of unmarked bills."

Others, however, think Lieber is full of crap.

"The day that the [government] votes in its own legislators, then they have a right to raise them," wrote one constituent named Esther. "Till then, they are mine to do with as I please. I will raise them the way I see fit. If I think that those little butts need a swat... I will be the one to give it to them."

Meanwhile, Republican Assemblywoman Audra Strickland has promised to counter Lieber's bill with one of her own, which calls for a larger variety of corrective measures for wayward legislators. New options would include attending "wise-up classes" at either the Lyndie England Smoke & Point Discipline Academy or the President Clinton Internship Program, depending on gender and sexual preference.


"Assemblywoman Lieber's gonna regret introducing this bill!"

Rating: 2.5/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (11) | Newsish Fakery
Weekend Semi Open Thread
Posted by spacemonkey at 10:41 AM | Email This

Why a semi open thread?

Because comments that don't in any way reference the bipartisan idiocy of wanting the U.S. to LOSE in Iraq will be monkey'd with by me.

When I get around to it.

Rating: 2.2/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (11)
January 19, 2007
Friday Catblogging
Posted by Laurence Simon at 11:40 PM | Email This

Since it's Friday, I thought I'd spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka "I-MEOW").

Sure, Harry Reid wants to register all bloggers, but he won't register catbloggers, will he?

Anyway, it's time for Nardo the Zen Archer:

If you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Nardo is... um...

Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.

You can find more examples of Friday catblogging by searching a blog search engine such as Technorati for "catblogging."

You can also find a roundup of catblogging posts at The Friday Ark, located at The Modulator blog.

Then, when the weekend is nearly over, head over to The Carnival of the Cats for more kitty goodness.

There's also Flickr Groups called Furry Friday and Friday Catblogging.

Anybody I miss?


Rating: 2.5/5 (29 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Friday Cat-Blogging
What is Mahmoud Abbas Praying For #21
Posted by Laurence Simon at 07:35 PM | Email This

It's Friday, so you know it's time for the wire services to post the non sequitur non-news story of Mahmoud Abbas praying at a mosque.

However, this week's different... this week we're going to start a new feature called:


So, from Mahmoud Abbas' expressions, can you tell what Mahmoud Abbas is praying for?

Is it:

a) A breath mint for Nasser Youssef... or at least some Febreze for his kaffiyeh.

b) The Reuters cameraman just to use the same photos every week and fake it up like they do in Lebanon instead of hitting him with the flash fifty times while he's praying.

c) Some of that $100 million dollars to actually make it to his desk.

d) The Antler Fairy to come and bring him some antlers.

e) Why can't that sexy Olivia Newton John lead the yoga lessons?



Put your guesses in the comments.

Rating: 1.8/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (8)
January 18, 2007
Time Magazine Announces Layoffs plus New Issue
Posted by RightWingDuck at 05:05 PM | Email This

Personally, I blame the Bush Economy.

Rating: 2.0/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (11)
In My World: Boxer Match
Posted by Frank J. at 01:16 PM | Email This

"...and that's why I think we have a real plan for Iraq," Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice told the Foreign Relations Committee.

Her words were met with laughter.

Condi looked around with confusion. "What?"

Senatorette Barbra Boxer looked down upon Condi with scorn. "Really, do you think that in this day and age, with as advanced as we are as a society, that we'll sit here and listen to the opinions of a childless black woman?"

Condi was taken aback. "Um... I'm not following."

"I think my point was very clear!" Boxer shrieked. "If you don't understand it, it's too bad you don't have children who can explain it to you like mine showed me how to use a Tivo. Anyway, I don't see any further reason to listen to you on this subject."

"So what your saying is that, even though I have a Ph.D in political science, was a professor at Stanford, was the National Security Advisor and am currently the Secretary of State, I can't offer an opinion on foreign affairs because I lack children?"

"Exactly! Do you know why, Madame Secretary, we made Representative Nancy Pelosi Speaker of the House?"

Condi thought about that. "I'm going to guess it's not because of qualifications or personality."

"It's because she's a grandmother!" Boxer said and pounded the table. "Only someone with lots of children can understand that it better to pretend we're safe now and do nothing than to go out there and stop probable future attacks. It's simple head in the sand thinking that a barren Negress just wouldn't understand!"

Condi looked around her table.

"What are you doing?" Boxer demanded.

"I'm trying to find something to throw at your head... something less cumbersome than a chair..."

"I'm just speaking truth to power!" Boxer shouted. "And, as a Senator from the most heavily populated state in America, you must listen to me!"

"Speaking truth to power to would be one of California's overtaxed citizens telling you your haircut is kinda dykey." Condi continued to fiddle with something on the table.

Boxer put her hands on her ears. "You don't have children so I can't hear you! La la la... AHHH!"

* * * *

"Senator Boxer became knocked unconscious when a microphone stand became loose during a Foreign Relations Committee meeting," the FOX News anchor stated. "She is wished a slow recovery. Now stay tuned for an hour of Bill O'Reilly yelling at people!"

Rating: 1.9/5 (26 votes cast)

Comments (22) | In My World
Would you like Arbeit Macht Fries with that, Harry?
Posted by Laurence Simon at 01:01 PM | Email This

I'd just like to make a suggestion to Harry Reid as he's working out the details for registering bloggers.


Rating: 2.8/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (8)
When Peace Symbols Go Bad
Posted by RightWingDuck at 12:13 PM | Email This

The European Union (motto: We Blame the Jooos) has recently taken the brave step of banning the swastika.

Normally, I would have no problem with this, since hardly any of my Neo-con armbands sport this particular logo. However, a few Hindus have taken offense over this ban.

I don't know why.. Maybe they're Nazis.

Just kidding.

Turns out that the swastika thing is some sort of Hindu symbol for peace and they are offended that this symbol offends people.

I'm a strong believer in Hindus. My best friend Carlos is from Hindu-ras. He's cool.

Anyway, I was just wondering - if this peace symbol has been hijacked by the Nazis, why not go into the history books and used photoshop to insert more respectable peace symbols?


I believe this would be fair solution that would make all parties happy. Except for peace activists, who would undoubtedly hold endless candlelight vigils.

Rating: 2.7/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (9)
It's Great Because No One Else Would Be Legally Allowed to Speak
Posted by Frank J. at 11:11 AM | Email This

Know what would be a great ticket for 2008? I think I just thought of a great one...


Rating: 2.2/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (24)
Too Bad to Be True
Posted by Frank J. at 09:33 AM | Email This

Border Patrol agents Ignacio Ramos and Jose Compean shot a fleeing drug runner in the butt. The drug smuggler was then given immunity to testify against the Border Patrol agents (the drug smuggler broke his terms and smuggled drugs again, but was then also given immunity for that). Ramos was sentenced to eleven years in prison and Compean for twelve for violating the drug smuggler's civil rights, and the drug smuggler is suing the government for $5 million. There's now a huge movement to get President Bush to pardon the Border Patrol agents.

I don't mean to be an Allahpundit, but maybe every should slow down here. This story is just so perfectly wrong, I don't buy it. I don't think there are some group of government officials out there saying, "We need to convict Border agents who try and stop drug smugglers... because we're EVIL and hate America's borders!" The fact is that the two agents were convicted by a jury of their peers for breaking the law. According to rules (which - maybe - need to be changed), they illegally shot someone which has a mandatory sentence of ten years. The sentence was added to because they were also convicted of obstruction of justice (Compean picked up his shell casings and the shooting wasn't reported which, to me, says they knew they did something wrong). Also, they were given a plea deal for a year in prison, but they turned it down which led to what is basically the minimum sentence they could be given for their convicted crimes.

Now, there are plenty of reasons to think this wasn't justice. Three jurors have since said they wanted to find the two not guilty but were told that the judge wouldn't allow a hung jury. These are things that can be pursued through normal legal channels, though. It's a lot to ask the President to hand out a pardon on a suspect shooting.

Sorry for this non-funny post, but everyone has these bandwagons they want people to jump on. And I don't want to end up like the Kwazy Kos Kids and think that everything is some huge travesty of justice and the country is going to plunge into chaos if we don't DO SOMETHING RIGHT NOW! I want to keep Cool... like Coolidge.

Here's a somewhat neutral article on the shooting. Here's an article in favor of Ramos in Compean.

Feel free to convince me this is really as cut and dry as many of you think it is. Right now, I'm more interested in finding out who was giving immunity to the drug smuggler and firing those people.


Speaking of Allahpundit, he has a post up with video Trancredo calling on Bush to pardon the Border Patrol agents and a link to a document the prosecutor of the case made to try and dispel myths about the case. He also links to Patterico who thinks the prosecution was just.


I think this whole affair would make a great slogan to keep people from crossing our border: "You mess with our border, we shoot you in the butt."

Rating: 2.6/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (18)
January 17, 2007
American Idol Season Six - Seattle auditions
Posted by sarahk at 10:51 PM | Email This

Reportedly the worst stop on the auditions tour this year.

Brandon Groves. The guy who sang "I Shot the Sheriff" to Paula last season. Now he is dressed as Uncle Sam to sing "God Bless America". And it's bad.

Jennifer Chapton. The hotness. "Give Me Your Love". Give me some earplugs. Wow, no wonder Paula went on the local Seattle show smashy smashed. She needed something to get through the pain of Seattle.

Not that I would have done. But wow.

Amy Salgado. Her husband isn't supportive of her auditioning. That's sad. But then again, she has a baby and responsibilities. Or... um. Maybe he wanted to spare her the embarrassment. He knew what would happen, because he's heard her sing. I hope she went home and just let him give her a big hug.


Rating: 2.7/5 (35 votes cast)

Comments (12) | American Idol ~ | SarahK's TV stuff
Must... Carry... Rugged... Man-purse...
Posted by Frank J. at 01:00 PM | Email This

That wacky Keith Olbermann says 24 is "naked propaganda" while others ask if its a "neocon sex fantasy." This is opinion where at least some of the Kwazy Kos Kids diverge with messiah Oblermann. On the other hand, SarahK is thinking of giving up on 24 because Jack Bauer killed Curtis (incidentally, I heard a rumor that was how Tony was supposed to die last season, i.e., Bauer was going to shoot him while he tried to kill Robocop, but they decided they didn't have enough time in the season to explore the emotional effect that would have on Bauer).

I've noticed right-wing message in 24, but I've also seen left-wing talking points. So, what do you think? Is 24 all fear mongering to get us to vote Republican (and exterminate cougars)? I know I've only voted Republican since it first started airing. Coincidence? I think not!


Dean Barnett has an FAQ on roughly the same subject.

Rating: 2.2/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (13)
Welcome Back!
Posted by Frank J. at 11:57 AM | Email This

Michelle Malkin is back from Iraq and has plenty to report. Glad to see she and Bryan Preston of Hot Air made the trip safely. Go see what she has to say and giver her a hearty welcome home.

Rating: 2.3/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (2)
No, His Name Isn't The Problem...
Posted by Harvey at 10:20 AM | Email This

I can deal with a president named "Obama".

I can deal with the fact that he's a colored fella.

I can even deal with the fact that he's a liberal, socialist, tax-and-spend Democrat.

But I CAN'T deal with the fact that he looks like Barney Fife.

Fife obama.jpg

Obama '08: "Terrorism - I'll nip it in the bud!"

Rating: 2.7/5 (33 votes cast)

Comments (12)
Hellbender Update
Posted by Frank J. at 09:53 AM | Email This

For those who care, I keep having a number of false starts on Hellbender (coming up with a beginning is hard!), but I think I finally have it. As soon as I have the first chapter done, I'll put it up.

Be honorable and such and such.

Rating: 2.4/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (13)
January 16, 2007
American Idol Season Six premier - DVR delayed liveblog
Posted by sarahk at 09:06 PM | Email This

It's almost 9, and I'm just now starting.

They're going through all the big stars that came out of Idol heretofore, and I'm with them until they make me laugh with Kellie Pickler. She's a household name, alright. I have a CD clock with her face on it, even!

So first they went to Minneapolis, and Jewel is a guest judge on the panel. And the first girl they showcase is a crier. Jessica Rhode. Jewel is very gracious for as long as she can stand it. It was not so good. Ok, it was actually in tune, there was actually a melody on key, but the tone quality of her voice was just... bad. And the contestants need to know by now that they should not sing an artist's own song in front of the artist. Ever. "I'm not gonna stop." Please do. She was cute, though.

So... did Cadet Happy go down and audition when they had the Minneapolis auditions? I know he's twice the age limit, but maybe he could fake it.

Troy Benham is the Amish joke singing some song about spit dripping in someone's face.

The next Carrie Underwood? No, but maybe that girl they rejected could be the next Kellie Pickler!

Jesse Holloway. I know someone with that name. Anyway, oh. My goodness, he's singing the Titanic song. Badly. Airily. And he's asked for a water break two lines in. And it is not better when he comes back. Even Paula rubs her temples. Frank says she's trying to get her brain to work.


Rating: 2.5/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (19) | SarahK's TV stuff
What's Making You Mad?
Posted by Frank J. at 04:37 PM | Email This

It's been slow news lately and I just haven't been getting too inspired (despite the occasional hilarious mass e-mail from Democrats.com). So, once again, I'll do what almost never works and ask you, my readers, for ideas. Specifically, what's making you maddest in politics right now? And you can't all pick Muslim terrorists, so try and be more specific on your answer. If I get some good ideas, I'll then make fun of what your mad at and make you happy. It's a basic humor equation:

A x R = L + H

A = Subject or Person that Makes You Angry
R = Ridicule
L = Laughter
H = Happiness

When something that makes you angry gets hit with witty ridicule, you laugh and become happy. That's a super scientifical fact since I wrote it in equation form. Will call it the Fleming Anger to Happiness Conversion Theorem (Simplified).

Rating: 2.2/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (29)
President Obama
Posted by Frank J. at 12:25 PM | Email This

While I think American would have elected a qualified black president years ago if one ran, I'm not sure America is ready for a president named "Obama." Seriously. I think his name is going to be a bigger problem than even a liberal voting record. Eventually, as a society, we will mature and be able to elect a president named Obama, but I really don't think we're there yet.

On the other hand, do you think the nation can be led by a guy named "Mitt"?

Rating: 3.0/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (27)
January 15, 2007
I'm potentially out
Posted by sarahk at 10:59 PM | Email This



Rating: 2.3/5 (32 votes cast)

Comments (28) | SarahK's TV stuff
24 Day 6 -- 8 a.m. to 9 a.m.
Posted by sarahk at 09:12 PM | Email This

Viewer discretion! Last time, that meant GreyJack would take a bite out of crime! This time, let’s hope it doesn’t mean Audrey is back. A nuclear explosion is more palatable for viewer discretion.

Previously on 24…

8 a.m.: GreyJack the werewolf and Assad are following bin Diesel's man. Casualty reports are coming in to CTU and the White House. It's bad bad bad, because they didn't listen to Jack, who is always right.

Bin Diesel calls Palmer to negotiate some more, and SarahK has an opinion about negotiating with terrorists. Palmer says, Ok, what do you want? I'm all ears. And chrome dome, yo. BD says he wants the US to release some enemy combatants (um... TERRORIST DIRTBAGS) and then quotes the ACLU, Amnesty International, and Reuters, eventually calling the dirtbags "freedom fighters." They're French? Bathe them immediately, they'll talk! BD wants them in the air in international airspace within the hour. Oh, and he will only make this "offer" once. They hang up, and everyone (Bill, Karen, Bisquick) is against it except Wayne, who thinks it will buy them more time to find bin Diesel. Okie dokey. S-L-O-W.


Rating: 3.0/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (5) | SarahK's TV stuff
24 prediction
Posted by sarahk at 07:52 PM | Email This

so... the big shocker tonight. do y'all think a nuke is going to go off? or will it be worse? like Audrey comes back?

Rating: 2.4/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (8) | SarahK's TV stuff
Frank Fisking: Let's Shut Down Gitmo! Yay!
Posted by Frank J. at 12:30 PM | Email This

Got an e-mail from Democrats.com (not associated with the DNC). Since it wasn't their usual "Let's have Bush impeachment BBQs!" e-mail, I thought I'd give it a read:

Dear Frank,

That's me!

For the past five years, the United States has held hundreds of men from over 45 countries in Guantanamo Bay. Not a single person has been convicted of a crime, and three men died of apparent suicides.

Apparent suicides? You mean the suicides that were done for propaganda reasons... such as causing whiny e-mails like this to be sent out? Good terrorist stooge! You get a cookie!

But, if you think this war is bad with the hundreds of people being detained without a conviction, you should have heard of that one back in the forties where America killed hundreds of thousands of people without a single trial!

Today marks five years since the US first transferred men to indefinite and arbitrary detention. Five years of lawlessness is enough – let's join with Amnesty International USA to demand that the detention facilities at Guantanamo be closed.

And when they're closed, where will everyone go? Your house so they can sign a petition to impeach Bush?

Bob Fertik

Your name is gay.

What follows is a letter from Amnesty International USA (kinda an oxymoron). So I got a letter within a letter which is a super bonus and very exciting.


The dragons I believe in can change shape at will.


Rating: 2.0/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (20)
I'd Call My Terrorist Organization "Hellbender"
Posted by Frank J. at 10:04 AM | Email This

Does anybody else think it's idiotic to name your terrorist organization "Al-Aqsa Martyrs' Brigades"? By saying that you're a "brigade" that usually gets "martyred," aren't you just saying that your group tends to get slaughtered in battle? I mean, isn't "martyr" really just an Arabic word for "crappy fighter"?

These people need to listen to the Patton speech about martyring the other poor dumb bastard.

Rating: 2.4/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (16)
January 14, 2007
24 Day 6 -- 7 a.m. to 8 a.m.
Posted by sarahk at 11:02 PM | Email This

Previously on 24...

1 hour gone, and so far, no revival of Tony. I'm still not ruling it out, since his death was so ridiculously unceremonious. Why keep him in that coma for several hours just to kill him the second he comes out of it?

So we know that the Muslim kid has a package that he needs to deliver soon.

Fayed's people say they need to go, and Fayed says he wants to find Jack Bauer first because he knows the truth about him and Assad. Fayed's people tell Fayed (we'll call him bin Diesel) that by the time Jack finds Assad, Assad will be dead, so no worries. Jack sloshes out of the tunnels and surprisingly does not disintegrate into ash. Must be wearing some fantastic sunblock!

At CTU, Milo wonders if Jack bought the farm for no reason at all when they can't get a heat signature at the Lat/Long given them by bin Diesel. Chloe overhears and tells Milo to shut up. Morris tells Milo to attenuate his thoughtless remarks. Chloe is a sensitive girl, you know. Jack breaks into a car whose owner happened to leave their cell phone in the car (I always leave my safety net in my locked car so I can't call a locksmith or towtruck or emergency vehicle if needed) and calls in for Bill. I love this phone call. Priceless runaround primetime.

JACK: Bill, call off the airstrikes on Assad.
BILL: Jack, I'm so glad you're alive! Why call off the airstrikes?
JACK: You're going after the wrong man. Assad is not responsible for the bombings.
BILL: Where'd you get this information?
JACK: It's complicated. I'll explain it to you as soon as you call off the airstrike.
SARAHK: Wouldn't it have been shorter to say, "Bin Diesel told me that he himself is behind the bombings"? It's not really too complicated for a man who's been at CTU as long as Bill, seen what he's seen, is married to the National Security Advisor, knows the president, and has run Division. Give him a shot, Jack.
BILL: I don't have the authority to rescind a presidential order, Jack. You know that.
JACK: Then put me through to the president, I'll tell him myself.
SARAHK: Ooh! Ooh! While you're talking to him, you should say something about selling out the people who sacrifice everything for you and mention not negotiating with terrorists. Say that one a few times. It never gets old.
JACK: Bill, trust me. Just put me through to the White House.
SARAHK: Seriously, Jack. That conversation would have been over so fast if you'd said, "Bin Diesel told me that Assad is here to stop him. He's using you to kill his enemy."
JACK: SarahK, it's a 24 hour show. We have some time to fill.
SARAHK: See? Be succinct. Like that.

Jack hotwires the car while Bill tells Wayne Palmer that Jack is alive and that Jack says Assad is the wrong guy. Jack tells Wayne that Assad wants to mainstream his organization, bring them into the political process, blah blah blah, and bin Diesel wants to stop that from happening. Karen reminds Jack that Assad's organization has been warring against the west for twenty years and has killed hundreds, and Jack says yes, but call off the strike. Palmer says let's do a ground strike instead, Karen says we can't afford it (what, we're broke?), Bisquick and Karen both don't like Jack's judgment because of the twenty months in Chinese prison. Palmer thinks it over, and as he does, I am dumbfounded by the number of bald men on the show this season. Did they all get together and have a Trivial Pursuit game? The losing team had to shave their heads? Morris, Palmer, Curtis, bin Diesel, random computer guy at IAA. I'm sure there will be more. Palmer decides to go with the people who have not been tortured for almost two years; he proceeds as planned. Jack loads the coordinates he had previously memorized (terrorists shouldn't say things out loud in front of their hostages) into his stolen cellphone, which has a subliminal advertising mapping feature, and starts driving.

In suburbia, Ahmed (ok, is that pronounced with a hard "h" or not? I always thought yes) gets a call from "Uncle" bin Diesel and tells the nice neighbor family that he's going back to his house where he will meet up with his Uncle. Bin Diesel has asked if he has retrieved the package, and Ahmed says he will have it soon. When Ahmed leaves, his teenage friend follows him outside and is really nice to him. Says that he's sorry this is all happening. "Ahmed? I'm sorry. I can't believe this is happening. It's like the whole world's gone crazy." Ok, this family has been nothing but nice to this rat-faced coward. His reply: "Actually, it's been crazy for a long time. You just haven't been paying attention." Bite me. He tries to give him a necklace for good luck, and the teenage terrorist refuses it. "You might need it yourself someday." Plus, you're a filthy infidel American pig, and you might have touched bacon with your necklace.

Helicopters are en route to Assad's location, and so is Jack. Jack arrives and quickly finds a convenient pile of firewood in L.A. where it is very cold next to the palm trees. He knocks out the lone guard outside of Assad's house with a log and gets his gun. He gains access to the house and has a standoff with Assad and his men. He tells Assad about bin Diesel and the transponder and the impending airstrike. Jack concludes that bin Diesel must have a man on the inside who is carrying the transponder on him. They find him. Assad and Jack take the mole outside while others stay inside to secure computer files. Helicopters come in and fire missiles, destroying the house. Attacking our own soil. Craziness! And Islamofascists are so funny. They leave their loyal people inside the house to die while getting the infiltrator out to safety. I guess he's their only lead. But still!


Rating: 2.7/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (14) | SarahK's TV stuff
24 Day 6 -- 6 a.m. to 7 a.m.
Posted by sarahk at 08:34 PM | Email This

Begins right now... beep boop all that. Yay!

Yay! Viewer discretion is advised! awesome!

Scene setup. Fox News Alert. A real one, it seems, not like the fake ones that come every seven minutes on Fox News and can be anything from a cat climbing a tree to an actual news item. San Antonio has been bombed by Islamofascists, and there have been multiple attacks with over 900 casualties. A man who could look Middle-Eastern sees the Alert and then frantically runs to try to catch a bus that has already closed its doors. The bus driver gives him the twice over and opts to move on. Well, he should have been on time if he wanted to look like a potential terrorist. That's right, I said it, and chances are I'll say it again tomorrow in casual conversation. He gets all screamy and yells about his rights as a terrorist lookalike when the bus pulls away. It's called profiling, and most people do it whether they admit it or not. Deal with it, Obama. I mean, Osama. Honest mistake, sorry.

Turns out, profiling does save lives! Particularly Obama's, because there's an Asian-looking guy (well, what? he doesn't look Norwegian or Texan, ok? give him a cowboy hat, and I'll say Texan. I'm an equal opportunity stereotyper. Even when it's my own people.) on the bus with bomb wires coming out of his PDA gadget. He blows up the bus.

So now Karen Hayes, Mr. F of last season, is the National Security Advisor. And her hair looks great, yes? And Professor Biscuit Fleinhardt of Numb3rs is also an advisor and/or cabinet member (we're unclear so far). Wayne Palmer has been the president for three months. Interesting. Is he married suddenly, or is he our first bachelor president? I never heard of him having a family or a wife. Well. He had someone else's wife, but I don't think that counts, and personally, I think that should count against you. Oh, and I don't want to hear anyone else ask the question, "Is America ready for a black president?" Uh, duh. Have you ever seen the show? We've had two now.

Anyway, Professor Biscuit (he'll get a new name soon, of course, as will Mr. F), has successfully instituted a policy of interning some of the American Muslims in encampments. NSA is calling them "concentration camps." That's extreme of her. Ok, I want this to be enjoyable for most audiences, so I'll leave my own opinions out of this (read: I had to backspace quite a bit -- I love tangents!). There's one terrorist guy leading all of the attacks, and they want to capture him. I missed his name, probably Mohammed. Once they capture that guy, everything will end and we'll be back to sunshine and roses in America, because no one else will want to kill us ever again -- just like how some people say that we should focus only on Bin Laden so this will all be over for us! And Palmer says we're paying a super-steep price to get Mohammed.

Muslim extremist seasons are probably going to bring out Political Ranty SarahK. I'll try to save her for other posts on the day after. This is about having fun with our favorite show!

At CTU, Morris (Chloe's ex-husband) and Milo (why has he been missing from seasons again?) are not getting along, because Morris is sarcastic and Milo is boring. Chloe comes over, and we establish that she and Morris are an item again. "I had the same problem with department heads when I started, and I learned to get along. You should try it," says Chloe. Haha. Nadia is apparently Chloe's new boss, and Chloe has a request from DHS and many questions for Nadia.

Suspected moles are: Nadia, this Clay Aiken guy that popped up, and Milo. Someone remind me why he left? I thought it was something to do with Kim and a heartbreak. Ugh, did y'all see in the preview she's back? Why her? Why me? Focus, SarahK.

They've maybe found a way to find Assad (previously Mohammed): Jack Bauer. Chloe warns Nadia that this could never work, because Jack's in a Chinese prison. Nadia tells her that her crush is coming back, and Chloe is thinking, "Dangit! I never would have hooked back up with my ex if I'd known there was still a chance that Jack would be out anytime soon! Oh well, love 'em and leave 'em, I'll get rid of him by 7:48 a.m." Chloe finds out Bill is meeting Jack at a Naval Air Station.


Rating: 2.5/5 (32 votes cast)

Comments (14) | SarahK's TV stuff
January 13, 2007
If Reuters Had Taken the Picture...
Posted by Harvey at 10:27 AM | Email This

unlucky beirut woman stick puppet.jpg

As an Army convoy prepared to depart after dropping off blankets, an Iraqi boy came out to say goodbye clutching a stuffed toy--and an Unlucky Beirut Woman stick-puppet.

Rating: 1.7/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (5)
January 12, 2007
To Surge or Not to Surge?
Posted by Frank J. at 06:46 PM | Email This

Dean Barnett has the most informative post I've bothered to read about the surge and why that number (21,500) of new troops was settled on. It's done in his entertaining and informative FAQ format that seems to be specifically made for my ADD.

Also, Mary Katharine (Superstar!) Ham has a video fisking of the Democratic Response to President Bush's speech about the surge using previous statements from Democrats about the war. Also, look for something familiar on MKH's desk...

BTW, search inside the book for Chronicles of Dubya should soon be available on Amazon, as you can now see searches on that site for "Rumsfeld Strangler" and "Operation Wacky Iraqi Attacky" finally give results.

Rating: 2.2/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Scientists Change Doomsday Clock: Announce Doomsday Savings Time
Posted by RightWingDuck at 04:25 PM | Email This


Top Scientists today announced changes to the Doomsday Clock.

"The Doomsday clock has always signaled the end of the world. With the advancement of nuclear weaponry in Iran and North Korea, we feel we're getting closer to the edge. However, we felt compelled to make adjustments to help us get through the long nuclear winter."

Scientists hope that my having Doomsday Savings Time (DST) we should be able to get a few more hours each day of gloomy darkness.

Doomsday Savings Time will apply to all 50 states with the exception of Arizona.

Rating: 2.7/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (13)
Posted by Laurence Simon at 04:24 PM | Email This

The Bulletin of Atomic Scientists is moving the Doomday Clock up in light of developments in North Korea, Iran, and global climate shift increasing the proliferation of "peaceful" nuclear energy ventures.

What are other Scientific Bulletins doing?

  • The Bulletin of Weird Scientists have denounced Anthony Michael Hall for the seventeenth time.

  • The Bulletin of Short Scientists is demanding stepladders and the heavy equipment storage moved closer to the floor.

  • The Bulletin of Scientologists has Tom Cruise of the cover. Last issue was John Travolta. And before that, Tome Cruise. And before that, John Travolt- wait, why are you asking this? What is your Theta level, drone?

  • The Bulletin of Blind Scientists (published in Braille) condemns Miss Sakamoto for the seventeenth time.

I don't think I've covered them all... what other scientific bulletins doing in their latest issues?


Rating: 2.5/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Fun Facts About Texas
Posted by Harvey at 02:54 PM | Email This

While the IMAO podcast is still MIA, I'm going to keep posting the latest uncut Fun Facts About The 50 States - hopefully on a weekly(ish) schedule.

(continued in extended entry)


Rating: 3.0/5 (49 votes cast)

Comments (17) | Fun Trivia
What is Mahmoud Abbas Praying for #20
Posted by Laurence Simon at 12:33 PM | Email This

It's Friday, so you know it's time for the wire services to post the non sequitur non-news story of Mahmoud Abbas praying at a mosque.

However, this week's different... this week we're going to start a new feature called:


So, from Mahmoud Abbas' expressions, can you tell what Mahmoud Abbas is praying for?

Is it:

a) The imam to quit being so cheap and buy some solvent for the glue that's keeping that hat stuck to his head.

b) His mommy to knit him a scarf as pretty as the one the guy next to him has.

c) McDonalds to quit saying they're still selling double cheeseburgers for a buck when all they do is make them smaller and smaller.

d) Yasser's old henchman Achmed Tibi to quit showing up to his rallies and setting up his "Free Breast Exams" booth.


e) None of the above

Put your guesses in the comments.

Rating: 3.3/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Do We Have to Aplogize for Asking Someone to Do His Job?
Posted by Frank J. at 11:57 AM | Email This

Ace calls liberals chickenhawks for saying we should focus on OBL and Afghanistan and then not signing up for the military to do that job. Yes, they are indisputably chickenhawks on that by their own "logic"... if you can call a phrase people parrot over and over to avoid debate "logic."

Anyway, I expect policemen to confront violent felons, firemen to run into burning buildings, and the military to invade dangerous countries. It's what my tax dollars pay for. I don't have to apologize for those expectations. People who join the military aren't stupid; they know they will be sent places they get shot at. When my brother joined the Marines well before 9/11, he was fully expecting (hoping for?) a conflict with North Korea.

Now, you can argue peacekeeping missions put our military men and women unnecessarily at risk, but anything that involves them killing people and blowing stuff up is simply in our troops' job description and is expected of them. They know that. Liberals don't know it, though, and that's why the military hates them.

Rating: 2.3/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (19)
Does Playing Soccer Make You Gay?
Posted by RightWingDuck at 11:07 AM | Email This

This is the classic question raised by child psychologists around the world. Every young boy goes through a crazy phase where they try on mommy's high heels, put on silly hats, and play soccer. (Note: Not at the same time.)

It turns out that Posh Spice's husband is some kind of soccer player. Not only that, but he appears to be coming to America and is gonna play right in my back yard!! (Note to self: Remember to go in the back yard and pick up the dog poo poo.)

After having done some research, I can honestly say that the evidence that soccer is gay is staggering.

Gay Examples:


Rating: 2.9/5 (24 votes cast)

Comments (23)
Friday Catblogging
Posted by Laurence Simon at 09:18 AM | Email This

Since it's Friday, I thought I'd spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka "I-MEOW").

Florida whomped the crap out of Ohio State, yeah, we know. Still, why did they have a blimp flying around for exterior shots around a dome? A dome? That makes as much sense as... catblogging.

Anyway, it's time for Nardo the Silly:

If you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Nardo is... um...

Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.

You can find more examples of Friday catblogging by searching a blog search engine such as Technorati for "catblogging."

You can also find a roundup of catblogging posts at The Friday Ark, located at The Modulator blog.

Then, when the weekend is nearly over, head over to The Carnival of the Cats for more kitty goodness.

There's also Flickr Groups called Furry Friday and Friday Catblogging.

Anybody I miss?


Rating: 2.4/5 (28 votes cast)

Comments (8) | Friday Cat-Blogging
Just to Be Clear
Posted by Frank J. at 08:59 AM | Email This

Some people are acting like David Beckham coming to America is some big boon for our country, but that is wrong and false. America has many great sports, particularly football (the real kind, not the metric kind) and is in no need of another. If Beckham does cause Americans to take interest in soccer, the sole benefit is for the rest of the world. Soccer has long been the most popular sport in the world... except for in America which has had no interest in it. And, since America has all the money, that actually makes soccer one of the least popular sports in the world. What use is it to be a soccer star if no one knows you in America (which, again, has all the money)? It's of no use at all, that's what. I bet the least well known American baseball player makes more the most well known soccer player (until today, that is).

If Americans start paying attention to this third-world sport, then that suddenly gives legitimacy to the opinions of sucky countries. So, we would be doing a favor for the rest of the world... such a big one that I think we could cut back on foreign aid.

Rating: 1.8/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (13)
January 11, 2007
David Beckham: Newest American Star
Posted by RightWingDuck at 05:35 PM | Email This

David Beckham, a guy from some Spanish team, shocked America today by joining the Los Angeles Galaxy from Major League Soccer. Said on astonished American, "I didn't know America had professional soccer."

A spokesman for the Galaxy, which according to sources, is indeed a professional soccer team, stated: "No longer will people NOT recognize soccer here in this country. We now have David Beckham, one of the most famous and well known soccer faces in the world."

IMAO tried to reach David Beckham by telephone, but could not get through to him because Posh Spice wouln't stop yammering about how much she loves us.


Pictured above: Somebody who might be David Beckham*

*We think. We're not sure because it's soccer and nobody at IMAO is gay.

Rating: 2.4/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (26)
The "Hulk Smash" Rule
Posted by Frank J. at 02:53 PM | Email This

Colin Powell is credited with coming up the "Pottery Barn" Rule of foreign policy, i.e., "You break it, you bought it." The idea is that, if we attack a country, we are then responsible for fixing the place and making it thriving democracy... or at least one that's only dying very slowly like we did with Germany and Japan.

This is obviously a dumb policy.

As we now know, the American people hate rebuilding operations. If we stay to fix a place, people will complain "quagmire" and constantly whine and annoy the troops. Thus, the policy is not sustainable.

I suggest a new foreign policy called the "Hulk Smash" rule. If a country angers us, we smash them. And we have no responsibility to rebuild them since it was their fault for making us angry and causing us to smash them. Because we're the Hulk.

Some may say this is an irresponsible policy that will make other countries angry at us, but that's a stupid opinion since other countries are always angry at us. The smart thing to do is then disregard the opinions of foreigners when settling on a foreign policy. Thus, the best policy is to follow the "Hulk Smash" rule in which we kill evil foreigners and then no longer have to worry about the clean up afterwards.

Rating: 2.4/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (18)
Jobs Announces New Phone for Dems: The I-Quit
Posted by RightWingDuck at 12:48 PM | Email This

It’s not often that people use the words jobs and Democrats in the same sentence, but it happened this week at a new product launch. Apple Computer (now known as Apple, Inc.) CEO Steve Jobs today introduced a new model of his upcoming I-phone. Announced Steve, “We’re proud to present the ultimate organizer for today’s leading Democrats – the I-Quit.”

With all of the features of a regular phone, but none of the functionality, the I-Quit is the ideal organizer for today’s modern leader.


Menu Buttons include: (From left to right)

Communication: Now in charge, the Democrats have a plan for peace that will rival anything brokered by President Clinton. New Peace Plans Programs come with over 100 excuses and ways to blame Israel. You can get up to 10,000 excuses with the Jimmy Carter upgrade.

Leadership. The Nancy button is the first female button in the history of phones. You don’t want to push this button too often as it has a tendency to push back and try to ruin you.

Friends and Family Button. Like OBL, friends are simply murderous strangers that you haven’t met yet. This program lets you keep track of murderous terrorists to keep you safe, or – if you prefer – you can use it to track the current movements of the Royal Family.

Friends Chat List: This special messaging system is perfectly developed to help you reach your friends. Remember – Cell phone signals don’t always penetrate tin foil. You’ll want this feature.

Outlook. Coordinate activity with fellow Democrats. Need to schedule a meeting to talk economics, homeland security, or illegal immigration? Then this Outlook program might be just the thing.

Translate. When the static in that tunnel gets to the point where everyone sounds like a bona-fide plastered drunk, click this translating feature to help those slurred words pop back into English.

411: This handy button helps you navigate and bypass all those dangerous streets. This is perfect when traveling through Paris and you need to bypass all cars set afire by the Youths Of France.

International Calls: A handy button helps you dial calls to any civilized foreign nation. (Button will not reach Australia, Britain, or any American Allies in this Quagmire of a War.) You can call up to say, "Hi" or "How Ya Doin'" or "Obliterate the Israeli Threat Now!"

The Nothing Button. Unfortunately, due to a design botch, this button does nothing useful. Apple I-Quit designers did not want this button. Actually, some of them were for this button before they were against it. It might become active by 2008.

Home Keys.

Home keys allow Democrats to resort to their tried and true strategies for success.

Issues Button. This focuses on Republican scandal and reminds voters how awful Republicans truly are. (Note: This button cannot be programmed to register Democrat scandal as it is all a right wing fabrication.)

WWSD: What Would Saddam Do. This home button gives one the ability to think like Saddam, who reigned over a peaceful Iraq, unlike the mess it is now. Use when you are in doubt over genocide versus sectarian violence.

Chimpy Did It: This vital home key reminds people that every bad thing is the fault of the George W. Bush. This includes Hurricane Katrina (the hurricane itself, not the levee breakage) the booming economy (which is the worst in the history of mankind) , Global Warming, and the Donald Trump- Rosie O' Donnell Fued.

100 Hours Button: This button helps today’s Dem remind voters that 100 hours is more than enough to talk about doing something over 100 hours. Even if nothing happens, remind voters of your good intentions and your determined focus. (Note: 100 hours button does not function on Sundays when there is a football game on TV)


This new phone is set to ship on February 14th, 2007. It will come in one color: African American as any white phone would be a racist sign of oppression. Limited quantities will be available south of the Mason-Dixon line.

Rating: 2.7/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (12)
Posted by Frank J. at 11:55 AM | Email This

As you know, President Bush has proposed a troop surge in Iraq. I think that could be a great idea if it's done properly.

Traditionally, in military parlance, a "surge" is when troops are increased in an area and then ordered to run through all nearby cities, destroying and killing whatever they see. This is always great for troop morale because our troops love running around shooting at stuff but hate standing around and being shot at. Plus, it's a great way to end a military campaign and declare victory, because it's hard to argue you weren't victorious when you just killed a bunch of people and blew stuff up.

Thus, the question is whether President Bush will order a proper surge with the running around and the indiscriminate destruction. This would mark the difference between a good president and a bad president. If Bush orders a proper surge, people will look back on him and say, "Remember when that president destroyed tons of stuff and killed lots of foreigners? That was cool." But, if Bush does half-measures, people will say, "Remember when that president could have destroyed tons of stuff and killed lots of foreigners but didn't? That totally sucked."

Rating: 2.0/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (15)
Poll! Straw!
Posted by Frank J. at 09:54 AM | Email This

Still waiting for the campaigning to heat up, but here's a new straw poll for GOP candidates for president:

Rating: 2.5/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (11)
January 10, 2007
In My World: The Start of a New Democratic Era
Posted by Frank J. at 11:49 AM | Email This

"We're doing air strikes on Somalia!" President Bush exclaimed as he sat down in front of his TV.

"I noticed," Tony Snow said. "You believe you saw al Qaeda there, correct?"

Bush shrugged. "We thought we saw something there. Hey, know what, Tony? I can do air strikes without congressional approval. I was thinking that, with the new Democrat Congress, I should focus on things that don't require congressional approval like bombing the crap out of stuff. Know what also doesn't require congressional approval?" Bush opened a bag of chips. "Eating a whole bag of Doritos in one sitting!" He ate his chips while watching footage of the air strikes.

"Not to disturb you from your exercise of Executive power," Tony said, "but have you worked on your State of the Union Address?"

"Bah. Everyone will be too distracted by Pelosi's plastered on face leering over my shoulder to hear anything I say."

* * * *

"Let's begin the new era of Democratic leadership!" Nancy Pelosi announced to the House. "As you can see, I'm surrounded by my grandchildren, because I'm not only the Speaker, I'm a grandmother."

"What's their names?" a Republican asked.

Pelosi was quiet for a moment as she looked over the children. "Uh... this isn't about me."

"And they're awfully quiet. I'm just taking a guess here, but did you cut out their tongues because they were noisy?"

"No more questions! On to business!" Pelosi banged her gavel. "Now, on to the most important issue facing this country!"

"You guys are actually going to do something about terrorism?" a Republican asked skeptically.

The Democrats laughed. "I was talking about the minimum wage," Pelosi said. "The American people sent a message this past election, and that message was that they wanted their government to pretend there is no terrorist problem and instead focus on inane crap and entitlements... and who better to do that than we Democrats?"

"Can we make the minimum wage thirty dollars... but exempt congressman's chauffeurs from it?" one Democrat asked.

"That's a great idea!" Pelosi answered.

"I'd just like to point out that it looks like there are some Islamic terrorists in this room right now plotting something," a Republican said and pointed to a group of Muslims fiddling with what looked like a bomb.

Pelosi sighed. "I know you Republicans want to distract us with your fears of 'terrorism,' but we are only going to focus on real issues that help real Americans."

"Can we have a bill giving everyone free candy?" a Democratic asked.

"Another great idea from the Democrats!" Pelosi exclaimed. "This is going to be such a productive first one hundred hours! Now, let's open the floor to candy suggestions."

"I really think those guys are working on a bomb to kill us all and that we should probably do something about it," said another Republican. "Can we stop them and talk about free candy later."

"Republican scare tactic!" screamed a Democrat. "They're trying to derail our agenda with their scare tactics about terrorism! Republican scare tactic!"

One of the terrorists fired an AK-47, hitting the Democrat. "Whoops, my bad," the terrorist said. "His yelling scared me."

The fatally wounded Democrat fell to the floor. "I want... people to know... that my death... was nothing but a Republican scare tactic..."

Pelosi looked down at him. "Well, he's dead. I knew this majority was going to be hard to keep together."

"If we're not going to do something about the terrorists, can we at least do something about illegal immigration?" a Republican asked. "It looks like about a third of the House has been taken over by them, and one of them tried to stab me."

Pelosi scowled at him. "Why do you hate brown people?"

The Republican thought for a moment. "Well, first off, they have shifty eyes. Second..."

"No no!" another Republican whispered to him. "That was a rhetorical question to accuse you of racism! Don't answer it!"

"I have another item for our agenda," Barney Frank said. "We should pass a resolution condemning Bush for his ethnic cleansing of Somalia. Obviously, the point of these air strikes is to get all the black people out of Somalia! Next, I bet he'll blow up their levees. If we--"

"Point of order," a Republican interrupted. "Is Barney Frank gay or retarded?"

"I can be both!"

Pelosi banged her gavel. "Let's go back to the matter at hand: free candy. Now, if we cut funding for Bush's war in Iraq, I think we can get every American a Snickers bar. Other options are..." One of the terrorists walked up to Pelosi, and she stared back at him. "What? This better be important because we were talking about free candy!"

He whispered in her ear.

"Fine." Pelosi turned back to face the House. "Anyone have spare wire cutters?"

Rating: 2.0/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (24) | In My World
But Be Sure to Come Back Here After
Posted by Frank J. at 10:56 AM | Email This

While you're waiting for my In My World™ and posts from the other IMAO bloggers, you can head over to Right Wing News to see the Kos Kids suggestions for the new Democratic Agenda. Dick Turban actually asked them for suggestions, and John Hawkins looked through them for the best ones.

Rating: 2.6/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (11)
January 09, 2007
Fake But Accurate?
Posted by Harvey at 08:14 PM | Email This

The folks at the Monger Horde have been posting vicious fabrications asserting that Frank J. has a thing for manatee pr0n.

At least it's SUPPOSED to be a fabrication.

But then how would you explain this recent screen capture of the IMAO front page?

I credit TopicAds from CafePress.com for blowing the lid off this scandal.

Rating: 2.5/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Bush Is Kennedy!
Posted by Harvey at 05:17 PM | Email This

Gerard of American Digest recently pointed out that no one has yet compared Bush to Vlad the Impaler, and - upon reading that - it occured to me that the left is making a huge mistake in comparing Bush to Hitler.

After all, Hitler managed to hold the reins of German power for 11 years and was directly responsible for millions of deaths.

What's Bush's confirmed body count?

Why, it's not even as impressive as Ted Kennedy's.

Besides, as the frothing Kos-kids are forever pointing out, Bush is an idiotic bumbler who has the cunning of Grimace and the success-to-failure ratio of Wile E. Coyote. Surely a more accurate comparison would be to those lovable, bumbling villians who bluff and bluster but never manage to really hurt anyone before their ill-conceived schemes blow up in their faces.

So here's a list of dangerously unbalanced and/or evil people to whom comparing Bush would be FAR more reasonable:

Snidely Whiplash

C. Montgomery Burns

Boris and/or Natasha

Cobra Commander

Elmer Fudd

Sylvester Pussycat

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew

Any Batman villain from the TV series.

Pinky and/or The Brain


Harcourt Fenton "Harry" Mudd

David Letterman and/or Paul Schaffer

The Wachowski brothers

Sideshow Bob

Captain Hook

The Wicked Witch of the West

Severus Snape





Jareth the Goblin King

Dr. Smith

and, of course, Frank J.

Who - like George W. Bush - has yet to have a SINGLE confirmed kill of either a monkey or ninja, despite his numerous half-implemented plans to bring about their destruction.

Rebuttals and/or additions are welcome in the comments.

Rating: 2.3/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (25)
It's Not that My Readers Are Unimportant... It's Just that They're Not as Important as Other Things
Posted by Frank J. at 04:40 PM | Email This

Sorry for no posting by me so far today; it's been real busy at work and then I have Legend Zelda to play at home and SarahK is always wanting me to pay her attention and stuff. Also, sometimes I need to take the dog outside so she can do her business.

Anyhoo, lots been happening on the political stage, so In My World™ will finally return tomorrow and should be extra super funny.

Be honorable, ronin.

Rating: 2.0/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Ethiopia: All Fattened Up and Fight'n Terrorists
Posted by spacemonkey at 01:44 PM | Email This

All that food we sent to this nation back in the day has led them to to be able to go to Somalia and attack the Islamists, whoever THEY are. Oh yeah, The terrorists

Here's a link.

Rating: 2.4/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (9)
The Year Isn't New Anymore, So..
Posted by spacemonkey at 10:58 AM | Email This

Time to put the Nuke the Moon IMAO graphic back up. Happy NUKE Year!

Here's the HNY graphic if you've been in a coma and need to know what sort of new year was wished for you.

Hope it was happy, while it was new anyway maybe your family can tell you if you smiled some.

Rating: 1.8/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (1)
January 08, 2007
Caption Contest!
Posted by sarahk at 11:14 PM | Email This

Kris (formerly Iowasoccermom) has a caption contest going on over at Anywhere But Here. We love those! And Kris!

Rating: 2.2/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (3)
If Only Jesus Had Instructed Us on How to Properly Beat Our Wives
Posted by Frank J. at 03:33 PM | Email This

Ever get the feeling you're not properly beating your wife? Luckily, here's a video of a Muslim cleric instructing us in Allah-approved wife beating:

If I get this down, maybe SarahK will stop mouthing-off to me.

Do you get the feeling this guy would locally be considered a liberal for his attitudes towards wife-beating?

(hat tip to Right Wing News)

Rating: 2.5/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (25)
Posted by Laurence Simon at 02:28 PM | Email This

The Word of The Day for today was malkin:

malkin (MO-kin, MAL-kin) noun

1. An untidy woman; a slattern.

2. A scarecrow or a grotesque effigy.

3. A mop made of a bundle or rags fastened to a stick.

4. A cat.

5. A hare.

0 for 5.

Rating: 2.5/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (20)
The Manhattan Stench explained!
Posted by Laurence Simon at 01:54 PM | Email This

Dear Yasser,

Well, my plans to go home have been delayed.

I'm just waiting for some of my friends from the Congo to wipe out the members of my extended family who have threatened me with castration for not including them in Oil For Food deals.

Until that's settled, I think I'm going to stay here in the City That Never Sleeps.

Or should I say, The City That Stinks.

Okay, so I'm sorry for making the city smell like Natural Gas leaks, but it's really a Supernatural Gas leak.

In my retirement, I've decided to dust off the shrunken heads and spellbooks, taking up where I left off in my Witch Doctor studies.

I'd have been a great witch doctor, but my teachers decided I should take my spellcraft to the next level of theatrical quack medicine and into the arcane arts of global diplomacy.

Anyway, I thought I'd work up a zombie potion to revive you, but I ended up mixing failure after failure.

Flushing them all down the porcelain-and-gold toilet in my condo, I figured no harm, right?

Wrong. All of the spells were mixed in the sewers overnight, and a horrible stench rose through the streets of Manhattan.

What pisses me off about this is that there's absolutely no sign of the dead rising... I know I've buried plenty of bodies in Central Park, and I've seen none of them shambling about from the view of my condo's wrap-around patio overlooking the park.

Oh well. I'll just call the supply shop and order more spell components. I've also got to call the escort service and demand clean hookers to use as vessels in which to brew my concoctions.

It's so hard to get quality ingredients these days.


Rating: 1.8/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (10)
There's a Jew Behind Me!
An Editorial by a Tree
Posted by Frank J. at 10:46 AM | Email This

 Oh Muslim, oh servant of Allah, this is a Jew behind me, come and kill him!

 I'm completely serious. Right now, there is a Jew hiding behind me. I can't see him too well - he is behind me as I stated - but I'm sure he's a Jew so one of you Muslims better come quick and kill him, praise Allah.

 Hello? Someone out there? Come on! I know today is not the day of resurrection so I'm jumping the gun a bit, but I figured what's the chance of a Jew ever actually hiding behind me? But, today, there is a Jew right behind me, and it is my day to shine. So, I'm calling out best I can... which is new for me. We trees are pretty quiet. I hope you appreciate the effort I'm making here, and thus maybe, if it's not too inconvenient, one of you faithful Muslims could come over here and kill the Jew.

"You think you'll be getting virgins? Oh no, not for you. You ignored the tree."

 Okay. Fine. Ignore me. Right now the Jew is sitting behind me probably counting his money... or maybe counting your money - and is completely unkilled and no one seems to care. Wait until the Prophet Mohammad hears about this one. You think you'll be getting virgins? Oh no, not for you. You ignored the tree. You'll get crack whores.

 Yeah, I made that last part up. Honestly, I'm not too up on theology since I never read the Koran; again, I'm a tree. All I know it to call out if there's a Jew behind me, so here I am doing my part. Remember: I'm doing you a favor. Muslim, Jew, Hindu... what do I care? I'm a tree. I just thought I'd do a little community service and call out for a Jew to be killed. I guess that was my mistake. Mea culpa. I'll never do it again.

 Hey! You shut up, rock! The Jew is behind me! Yeah, he's near you, but he's hiding behind me. You only get to call out if the Jew is actually hiding behind you, capisce? He's my Jew, so you keep quiet!

 Great! Now the Jew has ran away. Maybe all the trees and rocks yelling out for him to be killed scared him away; I really don't know how a Jew mind works. Well, Muslims, you botched this one. You had the tree calling out and everything, but I guess you were all just too busy. And, I guess with the infidels invade, you'll all be too busy to blow yourself up in their marketplace. "Well, it was a fine religion while it lasted, but everyone just decided to ignore the tree and it all went downhill." Yep, that's what they'll say.

 Still, if you want to try and redeem yourself, there's a squirrel in my branches that's starting to annoy me. If you'd kill him, that would be awesome and I'd put a good word in for you to Allah.


The tree is a regular contributor to photosynthesis, and, while it's never written a book, it has been involved in the publication of nearly every title out there.

Rating: 2.5/5 (28 votes cast)

Comments (14) | Editorials
How Conservative Are You?
Posted by Frank J. at 09:03 AM | Email This

A number of bloggers have suddenly discovered this old political test which rates how conservative you are from 0 to 40. Glenn Reynolds got a 21 as did Ann Althouse, Allahpundit a 25, Andrew Sullivan a 26 (which proves people wrong who think he's a crazy liberal; he's actually a crazy conservative), and Eugene Volokh got all pedantic about the questions and refused to give his score. I always knew Volokh was a supreme coward... when it comes to answering inane questions and telling everyone your result, at least.

I got a 34. Yes, you can pretend the questions don't make sense and refuse to answer them, but I think it's fun to give it a shot. Give it a try and put your score in the comments.

Rating: 2.9/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (108)
January 06, 2007
Weekend Open Thread
Posted by spacemonkey at 11:47 AM | Email This

Well, it's that time of week again, the end of it. That fabled time when your favorite blog hardly ever has anything new posted.

So, here's some more nothing.

I take that back, here's something. I thought this was pretty funny in a not intentional way. It's a prediction of sorts that is at the same time funny and pathetic. Read it and tell me what YOU think.

Rating: 2.7/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (41)
January 05, 2007
Putting the Rumors to Rest...
Posted by RightWingDuck at 01:01 PM | Email This

I'd like to file a formal complaint against Matt Drudge of the Drudge Report.

He shows a pictures of a monkey embracing a duck.

I want everyone to know that it was a very private moment between Space Monkey and myself.

Please do not try to see too much into it.

Thank You



monkey duck.jpg

Rating: 2.9/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (15)
Friday Catblogging
Posted by Laurence Simon at 10:09 AM | Email This

Since it's Friday, I thought I'd spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka "I-MEOW").

It's the new year, so it's time for some changes... now instead of just me Friday Catblogging, I'll... I'll... I'll start smoking while Friday Catblogging.

Mmmmmm... menthol. My T-zone rasps in delight.

Anyway, it's time for Frisky the Deranged:

If you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Frisky is... um...

Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.

You can find more examples of Friday catblogging by searching a blog search engine such as Technorati for "catblogging."

You can also find a roundup of catblogging posts at The Friday Ark, located at The Modulator blog.

Then, when the weekend is nearly over, head over to The Carnival of the Cats for more kitty goodness.

There's also Flickr Groups called Furry Friday and Friday Catblogging.

Anybody I miss?


Rating: 2.5/5 (24 votes cast)

Comments (6) | Friday Cat-Blogging
January 04, 2007
I Can't Believe Frank J Said This
Posted by spacemonkey at 10:30 PM | Email This

I just can't. But the quote is attributed to Frank J on the Monger Horde website.

"Why wouldn't people buy my book? They already read it for free."
But you know, this time, it's been edited.

Rating: 2.8/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Posted by Laurence Simon at 04:37 PM | Email This

Among the many problems I've got with Nancy Pelosi, I think this is the biggest.

When Nancy says "Think about the children" this is what we see:

I am disgusted by her Hezbollah-like tactics of surrounding herself with children so that any attack on her will end up killing two or three of them so the Democrats can claim it's some kind of "massacre" or "human rights violation."

The Geneva Conventions clearly state that a combantant out of uniform is responsible for the casualties that take place in such a situation.

Of course, she represents San Francisco, and we heard many San Francisco-based NGOs this summer scream that such an attack is a massacre and human rights violation anyway, an inhumane deliberate targeting of children.

The blood is on your hands, Nancy Pelosi.

For the love of God and for the sake of the children, it's called the Secret Service, Nancy. Use them.

Rating: 2.7/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (21)
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 03:18 PM | Email This

What's a bigger concern for space-faring, Jew-hating Muslims than Israeli control of the moon?


Rating: 2.8/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (9) | Fun Trivia
What part of the moon are you going to nuke, Frank?
Posted by Laurence Simon at 12:48 PM | Email This

Could you please avoid the Jewish part of it, please?

Rating: 2.5/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (7)
Posted by Frank J. at 12:23 PM | Email This

John Hawkins has a list of the twenty most annoying people on the left for 2006. He also has a Human Events column on the twenty most annoying people on the right.

What do I find annoying? Writer's block!

Rating: 3.0/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (6)
say gudby too ur eyeballs!
Posted by Scary Evil Monkey at 11:50 AM | Email This

tuday speaker pelosi takes over congress. dis must bee very sad day for all u poor dum stoopid heelbilly neocon jues. due not cry for i weel cheer u up. cum close and i weel give you big hug. yes. come closer for big big hug.


Rating: 2.8/5 (40 votes cast)

Comments (15) | Scary Evil Monkey
January 03, 2007
In Defense of Experimenting on Gay Sheep
Posted by RightWingDuck at 07:33 PM | Email This

Normally, my philosophy regarding gay sheep is to live and let live. Sure, they can go out and party, participate in sheep pride parades, and maintain successful gossip blogs. But when it comes time to research on curing gay sheep I say that the price to be paid is small. This thought came to mind when reading the Times article that talks about recent science experiments in which scientists are manipulating hormones to see if they can "straighten out" the gay sheep.

(Note: How do they figure out if sheep are no longer gay? Do they put them in a video room and see which DVD's they decide to watch? Are they straight when they stop watching Brokeback Mountain and Barbra Streisand concerts? What do they watch instead? The Guns of Navarone? The Dirty Dozen?)

Like I said, a couple of straight sheep high fiving each other and watching football is a small price to pay in the name of science and research. in fact, this research on gay sheep could one day lead us to a cure for Parkinsons Disease:An illness which has ravaged one of our favorite actors, Michael J. Fox. I'm sure that Michael would come out in favor of research on gay sheep, or he would if he could stop wiggling long enough to pay attention.

That's why I'm completely in favor of this project. Research on Gay Sheep may lead to wonderful, amazing, miraculous cures in the future.

Yes, there are those gay activitsts with their Right To Gay agendas, but these people are being very shortsighted and, frankly, heterophobic. Is it wrong to want to cure Parkinson's disease? Wrong to want to find the cure for cancer, or other deadly diseaseases which ravage our nation and leave behind a swath of pain, terror, and destruction larger than Hurricane Katrina or a visit from the Religion of Peace?

And what would be the price?

That Sam the Sheep likes Shirley and not Steve?

That fewer Sheep Earings are sold?

That fewer people will appreciate the comedy stylings of Rosie O' Donnell?

Maybe we could reach an understanding with the gay community. Gay sheep turned straight would all have the option of undergoing Sheep Sex Change Operations. I don't know. I don't have all the answers. I'm just one man who doesn't always take his medication.

Anyway, this is a good experiment and deserves our support!

Rating: 2.8/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (12)
Further Evidence Of Bush's Dismal Failure In Iraq
Posted by Harvey at 04:02 PM | Email This

fuzzy hostages.jpg

A terrorist group calling themselves "Toddlers for Allah" have started taking hostages. The captured victims have not yet been identified, although - judging by the red nose - the one on the left may be Ted Kennedy.

[Hat tip: CENTCOM]

Rating: 3.0/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (4)
I Want to Be Sworn in on Jane's Guide to Guns
Posted by Frank J. at 03:49 PM | Email This

Some conservatives have been making a big deal about how newly elected Muslim Congressman Keith Ellison wants to swear in on the Koran instead of the Bible. In a smart political move, Ellison has decided to use Thomas Jefferson's Koran (it's from Jefferson's rebellious Muslim phase when he was growing up in Marin County, California).

To me, all this swearing in controversy is just wasted energy because you either elected a crook or you didn't. Apparently, some people are worried that, because Ellison is Muslim, as soon as he's sworn in he's going to eat everyone's candy... unless he's forced to swear in on a Bible and thus bound by the power of Christ to only do good (just like all other elected officials).

Whatever. People really shouldn't be worried about some Muslim takeover or Sharia being imposed on us as soon as Nancy Pelosi gets her boney grip on the House. Ellison is a Democrat and probably a liberal, and we all know how liberals never take their purported religions seriously. You know how some claim to be devout Christians yet have weasely reasoning why abortion and gay marriage is okay despite what the Bible says? Well, I bet Ellison has some weasely reasoning on why he doesn't have to kill Jews despite the Koran explicitly telling him to.

So chill, yo.

Rating: 2.6/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (15)
Needing a little help here...
Posted by Laurence Simon at 01:51 PM | Email This

Okay, so I'm watching the coverage of the final leg of the Tour d'Ford on Fox, and they've got this huge bulletproof hearse sitting at the presidential library.

Then it hits me... there wasn't a Transformer Autobot that could transform into a hearse, was there?

I don't think there was.

But let's say there was a hearse Autobot, what would his name be?

Rating: 2.7/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (12)
Frank Ideas for Controversy
Posted by Frank J. at 01:31 PM | Email This

I had one editorial to try and be controversial to get publicity for my book, and that ended up getting some other blogger shut down. Try try again, I guess. Here are my ideas so far for controversial opinions to get everyone to condemn me (and mention my book):


* It should be illegal for women to get abortions under any circumstances. Also, the federal government should be able to impregnate women whenever it feels like it.

* The only people who should pay taxes are the poor as punishment for how little they produce.

* Gays should be allowed to marry... if they promise to stop being gay.

* American Indians should be deported back to Russia.

* The only legitimate reason for war is a slow news cycle.

* Not only should all Americans be able to carry guns at all times, they must carry guns! Also, they must carry katanas because my country is not going to be a place vulnerable to ninja attacks.

* There should be a holiday to celebrate rich white men.

* The Jews are responsible for all wars... both real and those depicted in movies. Also, the Cola War is all about oil.

* Let's not say "genocide" like it's a bad thing.

* There's no time to check for papers; anyone Mexican-looking should be immediately deported... as well as anyone seen eating a burrito. Taco Bell employees should be deported as well.

* Instead of Iraq being controlled by different Islamic factions, the government should be handed over to the Scientologists.

* Maybe Bush should be more like Hitler.

* In order to moderate Islamic beliefs, all us critics must first convert to Islam.

* I'm glad the Crocodile Hunter is dead.

If you have other ideas for controversial opinions I can use, put them in the comments.

Rating: 2.5/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (34)
Predictions for 2007
Posted by RightWingDuck at 11:00 AM | Email This

Pat Robertson and I share the same gift.

IMAO reader: Being stupid?

RWD: No, i mean...

IMAO reader: Being able to offend people with your stupidity?

RWD: No, i mean..

IMAO reader: You mean you both have an ability to say ridiculous things without thinking them through?

RWD: Will you shut up already. I mean the gift of prophecy!!

IMAO reader: Yeah, you guys are always trying to make a prophet out of me.

RWD: Just shut up, okay?

That's right readers. Just as Pat Robertson heard from God that there will be tremendous masskilling,(maybe from another terrorist attack) so have I heard from the voices in MY head about alll the other things that will be happening in 2007. And of course, no new year is quite started until we get the predictions out of the way.

RightWingDuck's Predictions for 2007

(please check back in December and see how I did.)

Mel Gibson will convert to Judaism and will write a new book “I can’t help it but I hate myself.”

He’ll eventually turn it into a $40 million dollar film which will flop because of the bloody, gory violence.


Donald Trump will finally use some of his millions and invest in the Hair Club For Men. He’ll rename it – Hair Trumps All.


Rosie O Donnell will be chosen as the Spokesperson for China. She will win the hearts of Chinese everywhere. Her endearing crass manner will earn her the beloved name – Chin Chin.


The cast of The View will come down with food poisoning. Everyone that is except Rosie. She will go on the air by herself with a special episode - 101 ways President Bush is just like Hitler.

John Kerry will be nominated to become an International Ambassador. He will be nominated by Syria and sent on missions to the United States. It will be his first major accomplishment not involving marriage.


Rating: 2.3/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (9)
My Wii-tle Wii-tard
Posted by Frank J. at 10:37 AM | Email This

It didn't take long after getting the Nintendo Wii to have SarahK demand to play another game of Wii Bowling when I wanted to go to sleep. And, on her last frame, she managed to hit the cat, the TV, and the dog with one Wii-mote throw (and, yes, she had on the wrist strap).

How can someone claim such a dangerous system isn't for serious gamers?

BTW, if you have a Wii, e-mail me and we can exchange console addresses.

Rating: 2.1/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Abortion Is Funny
Posted by Frank J. at 10:00 AM | Email This

I was waiting for this to make it to YouTube. Here is Scrubs (and Jesus) on abortion:

(hat tip to K-Lo at The Corner)

Rating: 2.4/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (5)
January 02, 2007
Fun Facts About Tennessee
Posted by Harvey at 10:11 PM | Email This

While the IMAO podcast is still MIA, I'm going to keep posting the latest uncut Fun Facts About The 50 States - hopefully on a weekly(ish) schedule.

(continued in extended entry)


Rating: 2.3/5 (61 votes cast)

Comments (12) | Fun Trivia
Best. Game. Ever.
Posted by Frank J. at 10:08 PM | Email This

Here's the highlights of the last minutes of the Fiesta Bowl (thank you Allahpundit of Hot Air). Watch especially for the hook and lateral play that puts them into OT and the Statue of Liberty play that completes the two point conversion to win the game:

Rating: 2.8/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (10)
It's still 2006 in Turtle Bay
Posted by Laurence Simon at 03:57 PM | Email This

How long before The UN catches up in its copyright notice?

I'm always amused at how long it takes the webmasters at Turtle Bay to notice the fine details in between translating the phrase "It's not anti-Semitism... it's anti-Zionism" into seventy-six languages.

In 2005, they still had it showing 2004 as of September 30th. (I think they updated it sometime in November, just in time so they could be out-of-date for most of 2006)

Rating: 2.0/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (3)
Let's Put Those Hundreds of Millions of Guns Americans Own to Good Use
Posted by Frank J. at 12:24 PM | Email This

The Democrats are soon taking over Congress while right now the world is threatened by murderous thugs and nuclear weapons, and what are the three things their going to act on first? The minimum wage, student loans, and Medicare.

Come on!

Seriously, just give these guys a sandbox to play in while the adults handle the problems. I'm tired of the federal government focusing on piddling crap and ignoring the one thing it was created for: Destroying countries we hate.

Is anyone in the government going to focus on killing our enemies? Anyone?

Fine. Americans are self-reliant people. If the government isn't handling something, we handle it ourselves. It works out better that way. Perhaps, for the first time ever, private citizens will have to handle foreign affairs. I'm thinking of organizing a group to fly over to countries we don't like, completely trash the places with whatever munitions we get our hands on, and then we wrap it up in a bar somewhere over beers. I just need a cool name for it. Maybe "Citizens for Scared Foreigners."

This could be a great idea. Think of the effect it would have on other nations if they knew that, if they pissed America off, a group of angry American citizens could suddenly come into their country and kick their ass. And they can't complain to the American government to stop us because their two busy figuring out what's a "living wage." I say we first attack the Mexican government for sucking so much and because it's only a drive away. Then we can work on getting transportation to rough up all the idiots in the Middle East. Bring ammo and sunscreen.

Rating: 1.6/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (26)
Thus Ends the Rumors that Donald Rumsfeld Is Captain America's Alter-Ego
Posted by Frank J. at 12:01 PM | Email This

Caption Contest!

"I feel so dumb with these two that I'm going to punch myself in the face."

The picture comes from this old story sent to me by reader Dane.

Rating: 2.6/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (9)
We spin the dreidel while Iran spins the centrifuges...
Posted by Laurence Simon at 11:06 AM | Email This

Did Adam Sandler get stoned and update his stupid Hanukkah Song again?

Rating: 2.4/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Posted by Frank J. at 10:47 AM | Email This

Well, I haven't been following the news for over a week so I'm a bit out of the loop. I heard that Saddam Hussein tried to escape his prison but was then tackled by Gerald Ford who then stangled Saddam before Ford's own heart gave out. They will both be... uh... acknowledged.

Anyway, it's a new year, and my resolution is to fight the sissification of America. We can't end up like Europe which is so sissy that it's probably not long for this world. We have enemies who understand little more than strength (which is true for all enemies America has ever faces) and that what makes it important that we do things confidentially and unapologetically... even if it ends up it wasn't the right thing to do. There's too much second guessing going on in national affairs, and the world needs at least one country out there that confident enough to just smash its obstacles while not vacillating about it like some big John Kerry.

Now, you may say as you step on my glasses and push me into the mud, "But, Frank, you're a sissy." Maybe, but it's time for all of us to stop being part of the problem. There's too much femininity in today’s society. And there's too much blaming society. Sissies blame others and whine about their circumstances. Did Jesus ever whine when He got nailed to a cross for trumped up charges? No. He may have been for peace and love, but He was no sissy.

So, that's the theme for the new year: Everyone needs to stop being a bunch of sissies. Going to Iraq was a great idea, the region is going to be better off for it, and, if you disagree, then maybe you should spend less time worrying about foreign affairs and more time searching for your missing penis.

I'll post more soon... but, if I don't, I guess I was too busy. I won't apologize for it.

Rating: 2.4/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Boise! Boise!
Posted by Frank J. at 12:58 AM | Email This


Most exciting college game I have ever seen. Wish I was still back in Boise for this win (though watching it on HD is hard to beat). The touchdown that brought the game into OT is one for the books.

Rating: 2.7/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (8)
January 01, 2007
Saddam Was Assassinated!
Posted by Frank J. at 02:18 PM | Email This

Hey! I just got back home and should get back to regular blogging tomorrow.

Anyway, here's a neat catch from our blogger friends in Orlando, Jim and Rachel (who were nice enough to watch our car while we were away so you visit their blogs and be nice):

This is why I don't watch local news, but lucky they did and caught this to share it. Apparently a lot of people have seen it now from the number of views listed on YouTube. Jim called the station, and they claimed the anchor misspoke, but it does look like he's reading from a teleprompter.

BTW, my really dumb Saddam Hanging Dramatization video from a couple week ago apparently just got discovered on YouTube and has a ton of angry comments. Yeah, it was pretty and bad and stupid, but that wasn't animal abuse... at least any more than normal for me.

Be honorable, ronin.

Rating: 2.6/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Why do people insist on firing their guns for New Year's? Don't you know people get killed that way?
Posted by Laurence Simon at 10:34 AM | Email This

Denver Broncos player murdered in hail of gunfire, Al Sharpton still trying to figure out how to blame NYPD for it.


Rating: 1.6/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (6)

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