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February 28, 2007
American Idol Six - top 10 girls
Paula says that since the girls look gorgeous, theyíre ready to sing tonight. Yes, because a pretty face and pretty clothes equal a great voice, as we saw with Kellie Pickler. *cough cough*
01Ö Gina Glocksen is dedicating to her boyfriend, and her dedication is sweet and all. Sheís singing ďAloneĒ by Heart, and this is going to have to be really good, because Carrie did this two years ago and brought down the house, even got Simon to give it up for her. Except Carrie had really bad hair when she did it. Oh, plus when I do this one at karaoke, Iím pretty good. Just sayiní. That reminds me of a story. At Rachelís Halloween party this year, there were these people there that we had never met, and mind you, I sing Heart all the time, Heart is perfect for my range, I generally hog all the Heart songs at karaoke (we have a machine ourselves), and I usually handle their songs with ease, except maybe a few low notes that get in my way. Anyway, this neighbor lady from down the street, when she saw what song I was singing ("Alone"), said, ďWow, youíre going to attempt Ann Wilson?Ē and I just held my microphone, waited for my words to come onscreen, and said kinda offhandedly, ďYeah, Iím gonna give it a shot,Ē and could not look at Rachel, because if Iíd looked at her, we would have shared a look and I would have laughed. We can both sing, and we know it. I mean, Iím no Kelly Clarkson, but Iím easily as good as half the girls in the top 10 tonight. So the neighbor lady was a little surprised when I got to the chorus. I thought it was funny, and Rachel and I laughed about it after the neighbor went home. We didnít want to be rude and laugh to her face.
Oh wait, this isnít the Talk About Me Hour. Yes, back to Gina and American Idol. Ginaís hair is good. Still with the red tints in the black hair, perfect for her. Iím not sure about the way sheís dressed, because if sheís wanting to be a rocker, the red satin knee-dress is a little nice, but then again, itís red satin, and red satin is a little sassy. The pretty jewelry, though Ė maybe it should have been spikes? No wait, there are spiky bracelets, so sheís covered there. Itís ok. At least she didnít get rid of the tongue bolt. But listen to me. Last week I said that she looked as pretty as a girl with a tongue bolt could look, so shut up SarahK. Ok, to the singing. I have to relisten. Beginning is good. Chorus is good until the big ďAloneĒs at the end. The first time through, I thought she was pitchy there, but she wasnít. But screechy for sure on the last couple of notes. I was going to suggest she stay with this kind of song. Heart, Evanescence, the pipey chick rocker songs with mega vocals, but sheís gonna have to work on not screeching the high notes. I thought it was good, probably a little better than last week because this is a better song choice for her, but not fantastic. And not as good as Carrie Underwood did it.
Randy says yo yo awesome dawg, pitchy at the beginning but you worked it out. He points out Charlotte, the backup singer, who was awesome during the song. I notice Charlotte is wearing a Tenacious D t-shirt Ė hahaha, I love it! Gina thanks Charlotte. Good girl. Paula says we were surprised when Carrie did it, but man, excellent job. Simon says good song choice, very forced vocals at the end. And Simon is confused about Ginaís image, because he thought she was edgier than this when they put her through to the top 24, and heís talking about the way sheís dressed, and Randy says maybe she should have worn all black. No, Randy, Carrie did that. Invites more comparisons to a better vocal.
Oh yay. Alaina is going to do the Dixie Chicks. Youíre the next American Idol, Alaina. No really, you are. Because I donít still cringe every time I hear the name of that band. Really, I donít. Every time Natalie Maines opens her mouth she says something more infuriating than the previous time, so I think that no one at all will think about that while youíre singing. Theyíll just judge you on your singing. I donít know why we need patriotism, anyway. Oops, look at me, Iím doing it already.
Who coaches these kids on their song choice?
BTW, I think global warming caused by people is a steaming pile of bull feces. Mkay? And that train commercial is stupid and horrible for a family show. It scares children, you awful people. Shame on you.
02... Alaina is dedicating to her mom, who worked four jobs to support her kids. She wants to be able to give back to and provide for her mom. Mom is crying in the audience. Alaina looks gorgeous. The dress is perfect, way better than the ugly ensemble of last week. Blue is an awesome color on her. Hair is excellent, as always. First bit is good. Oh, this is that song? She's singing "Not Ready to Make Nice" or whatever the angry mad rant fest song is called. Ok, it's the first time I'm hearing the entire song. I've only ever heard the one line of the chorus that they play over and over, because see, I listen to country stations, and they don't play the Dixie Chicks on my station, and I'm fine with that. So I just hear it on TV commercials and whatnot. Anyway, the more of the song I hear, the more annoyed I get that she picked this song. Oh no, it's really out of tune. But I was trying to listen to the words to see what all the fuss is about and hung up on the fact that she was making these ridiculous facial expressions to let us, America, know that she really means it. I really mean it, y'all. I'm mad as H-E-double-hockey-sticks! So now I have to go back and relisten so I can give her a fair judging. First... hang on... let me just get my duct tape and put it around my head so my head doesn't explode a second time... there... we... go. Ok, yeah, that was out of tune like I thought the first time. She was out of breath in several spots. And I think a lot of people are going to be offended by her song choice. Like me. I'm offended by her artist choice. What's the big deal about patriotism? Alaina probably doesn't read the news and have any idea the kind of crap that comes out of Natalie's mouth, though. Anyway, Randy says wow, it was pitchy. Not good, dawg. Paula, who was dancing the whole time, says it was a little out of tune but not as bad as the Dawg says. Simon says it was like Randy running a 100 meter dash or something. You ran out of steam 3/4 of the way through. That sounds right to me.
03... Lakisha is next, and she dedicates to her Grama. Grama is in LUV with Ryan Seacrest. That judgment notwithstanding (oh, I'm just playin'). What is she wearing? Short denim skirt that doesn't work for her. Big oversized orange sweater. And leopard print heels. Nothing matches, her hair is very blah and pasted to her head. Her outfit looks like she wants to get noticed on the boulevard (I'm sorry, I love her too, but it must be said, because it must be prevented from ever happening again), while her hair makes me think she wants to hide in a cave and never be seen by anyone again. It's a little befuddling. Anyway, she's doing "Midnight Train to Georgia". Paris did this last year, and I don't remember particularly enjoying it, but I could be wrong. I have to keep it real, y'all, this is really boring. She has a phenomenal voice, and I feel like she went safe and boring tonight. She seemed nervous, so I don't think she went to the Studdard School of Sloth, but if she wasn't born with a huge voice, she'd be practically unnoticeable tonight. RANDY: That was hot. You were nervous in the beginning. Don't be nervous. PAULA: Remember, you're Lakisha. Woo hoo! SIMON: Interesting dance at the end. Not as good as last week. You didn't come out thinking you're a big star this week. The outfit is distracting, I don't like it. I think you're a phenomenal singer, but I'm saying as nicely as possible that I don't like the outfit. RYAN: You don't like salmon? SIMON: It's orange. SARAHK: And hookery. You were safe and boring, and I agree with Simon on the outfit. You have a huge voice, but if you rest on your laurels, someone's going to use your laurels as a stepstool and vault right over your head. Mwah. Love ya.
04... Melinda Doolittle dedicates her performance to her "Gails". She's Oprah, they're her Gails. One is her vocal coach, and the other is a stylist. She hates to shop, just like me. She's singing "My Funny Valentine", and first words out of my mouth: Can y'all please stop doing the same songs over and over?! Do songs no one else has done on this show! Anyway, it can't possibly be the horror show that it was when Constantine did it a couple of years ago, so I don't know why I'm worried, I guess I'm just thinking that they've got soooo many songs to choose from, and they keep picking ones they've heard someone else do on the show? Do something else. Y'all have no idea how many automatic booster credits Chris Richardson got before "Geek in the Pink" ever started last night. Jason Mraz on American Idol, that was my dream come true!
On with the singing. She looks great, standard Melinda clothing. Denim jacket, jeans, red blouse, cute jewelry. Red shoes. The singing is fantastic. Fantastic. Far better than what Lakisha did just now. No crazy dancing antics, either. Just amazing vocals, good stage presence, and I'm very pleased. So is Simon, because he is grinning. RANDY: Yo, we have a competition. You're in it to win it. You came out here, you and Lakisha -- um, why do you even need to mention the previous singer, she's not onstage right now. You wouldn't do that when Lakisha is singing, so you shouldn't do that to another contestant. PAULA: You're a beautiful butterfly with vocal wings. SIMON: The best vocal we've had throughout the competition. We've had precocious monsters on this show, and I don't think you're one of them. You don't know how good you are, and I don't think you'd change if you won. You're a breath of fresh air and a sweet little lollypop. That was fantastic. RYAN: Was it easier this week? MELINDA: Sure. (Not convincingly. She's really cute.) SARAHK: I love her. And she didn't smile through the pain this week.
Antonella is singing Celine after the break. I have no faith that she can do it. Sorry.
05... Antonella is wearing an interesting dress, but I think I actually love this dress. She dedicates to her brother. And she put that beautiful hair back down. She looks great. She's singing "Because You Loved Me". Pitchy at the beginning. I do not like the arrangement. It confused me and made me think she forgot the words until I figured out that it was just an awful arrangement. It did not work for me. Sad Tivo note: Right at the the one spot where she could shine during the song, we had a DVR glitch, and I could see her sing but not hear her. So I have no idea if that went well. Eh, she has a pretty voice, but she's just not up to caliber with a lot of the other girls here, and she shouldn't have gone for a huge Celine song. However, she was improved a bit from last week, just because I don't think it could be any worse than last week. But she might get to stick around, because she didn't completely botch the song, unless she did so during my Tivo glitch. RANDY: Dude, it was pitchy all over the place. The song was too big for you. But you look good. SARAHK: You know you're in trouble when it's not even Paula that goes to the look factor. PAULA: Not even 1% of America can sing like Celine. THE COLLECTIVE: Whew! SARAHK: Y'all shut up, I love Celine! She's just a little koo-koo. But her voice is awesome, so I say again, shut up. PAULA: It was much better than last week, so rah rah, sis boom bah. SIMON: Wrong song, and I thought it was worse than last week. ANTONELLA THE STUPID: I'm going to take Paula's criticism, because Simon was wrong about Jennifer Hudson, so he can be wrong about me. SARAHK: What an idiot. He is going to eat her alive. SIMON: Let me be clear. I did not kick Jennifer Hudson off of American Idol. We three put her on the show, and America did not vote for her. If America disagrees with me, they'll keep you around another week. SARAHK: She's no Jennifer Hudson. And I voted for her. RYAN: I don't know if we have a break scheduled, but we need one. SARAHK: Yes, someone needs a reprimand.
06... Jordin dedicates all the love in her heart to her younger brother. She's singing Christina's "Reflection" from Mulan. She looks gorgeous in that turquouise color. And aww, she read what I wrote about her last week and paying attention to her lyrics! Good girl. The vocal was rough in spots, off-key several places, but in other places it was outstanding. So I'll say it was inconsistently grand? She seemed nervous and really emotional, and oh no, she's crying when she's done. Get me a box of tissues and a Nicholas Sparks book, will you? *sniff* She's crying almost as much as I did Monday after I nearly got flattened by a semi on the highway. Seriously, sweetie, perspective. Near-death v. singing a cartoon movie song. *sniff* again. RANDY: Not the best you've done, but still really good. PAULA: You're infectious. I have the Jordin Infection. Now will you get me a vodka, love? I'm out. You're gonna be in this competition for a long time. Now the vodka? SIMON: Not your best, but you're 17, you have massive potential, but I think the dedications are getting to you. RYAN: She's irresistible. SARAHK: For men who like girls. Wink wink. That is so RUDE, SarahK. Oh, you know I love you, Ryan. It's all in love. It was inconsistently grand. Now go wipe your nose and watch a chick flick. Get it out of your system before next week, for the love of pete.
Oh yay! Kellie Pickler will be on the results show tomorrow night! The good thing is, if she sings, it will make all the losers going home sound great. If she doesn't sing, it will be fine, because she has that cute fake personality. I love her act, it's cute.
07... Stephanie Edwards is singing "Dangerously in Love" by Beyonce. Finally, something new! The good thing is, I've never heard the original. She looks gorgeous in a long white dress with metallic accents, nice earrings. Thankfully no Beyonce clothing, because most of Beyonce's clothing choices are unfortunate. I don't particularly enjoy this kind of music, but she is singing her pinkytoe off, and I think she's remarkable. I'll have to go back and rewatch to see who is best between her and Melinda when I do my recap, because she is throwing down tonight, just like she did last week. There's one note with all the excessive trilling that she kind of botches, but it's almost not noticeable, and she redeems herself quickly and has a fantastical ending. If you like that kind of music. I don't, but I'll live through it. RANDY: You look hot, you sang your face off. Don't be so Beyonce. I mean, I love her, but do your own thing. That was so much better than last week. SARAHK: She was excellent last week. RANDY: I mean, and you were great last week. SARAHK: He keeps saying that to the ladies tonight. I think he's drinking the Paula juice tonight and keeps forgetting that the girls were pretty good last week, and he's just using the standard comments that he used for the guys last night because he stayed out too late partying or something and didn't have time to come up with a new script for tonight. PAULA: I disagree with you. You were fantastic, brilliant. So many people will be in love with you, just like Beyonce. SIMON: I agree with Paula. You're not just taking part, it was terrific. RYAN: What's wrong with Beyonce? RANDY: Nothing. I love her, NAME DROP. (Paula and Simon go to sleep.) Blah blah blah. SARAHK: I'M BORED, let's move on. She was great.
08... Leslie Hunt is singing Nina Simone, dedicated to her dead Grampa. She's very bohemianly attired, which probably suits her more than the oversized boots she wore last week. She tells Ryan she's going to dance around on the stage less tonight. That's good, because I don't think The Spastic is going to be the next big thing to catch on with the kids. Oh, she's singing that "Feeling Good" song that AJ sang last night. Well, I'm embarrassed to say that I never heard it before last night if it's a Nina Simone song. Y'all may berate me accordingly for that in the comments. I deserve it.
Here are Leslie's problems: 1) She has a much smaller voice than a lot of the other girls up there, no doubt. That will hurt her, because with all the girls in the competition right now, she will need a big voice to make a big enough impression to make the top six. I don't think she'll make the top six. 2) Her hair doesn't help. Sorry, it's fine for an everyday person, but it's pencil straight. That doesn't work for someone trying to make the most lasting impression, or for a celebrity for that matter (I'm looking at you, Queen Gwyneth). It's coming off as mousy and in need of a deep conditioning. Two words (maggie katzen will disagree wholeheartedly here, but she starts with curly hair, so don't listen to her): Garnier Fructis. 3) She really just looks so stinking uncomfortable onstage. I'm the same way, so I can relate. It's mostly her shoulders. She moves her shoulders like she's trying to conspicuously hint that she really needs a shoulder rub. There's no fluidity in her body movements at all. 4) I don't want to say this. She's what, 24? She looks 35. So an old fogey like me won't discard her for that, but the junior high and high school crowd are going to completely ignore her, because she, like, looks as old as their Aunt Jennifer (yes, the 35 year-olds are named Jennifer now. That makes me feel ancient.)! And I know that is so wrong, but that's how it is.
You can see her bra right through the back of her shirt. I mean the shape of the bra. She sings the song fine, and she's better than last week, or at least she must be, because all I can remember about last week is that she wore those awful boots. No wait, I remember what she sang, and yes, this is better. Nothing exciting for me. And she's scatting at the end, and the scatting is ok, but not fantastic, and not as good as Blake's scatting from last night, though her song choice is much better than the atrocity he picked. RANDY: Glad you did jazz, dawg. Pitchy. Just a'ight, but I love the a capella beginning. SARAHK: A capella means no instruments. There were strings lightly hanging out in the background. But who am I to correct someone who has worked with Beyonce? PAULA: You're being you. SIMON: The scatting sounds like Paula talking. I'm kidding. Your problem is the big voices that came before you. Better than last week, but not many people are going to remember you. PAULA: She's a different ice cream flavor! SIMON: Four raspberry ripples tonight, she's a vanilla. SARAHK: I've never had raspberry ripple. Is that good? It sounds yummy. RYAN: Simon is a sorbet. SARAHK: Can we finish with the ice cream analogies and return to where this was a singing competition?
09... Haley Scarnato. Can we skip to the end? Whoops, did I let out that she's not my favorite? Everything about her seems like an airbrushed cheerleader, and she does not do anything for me when she's singing, so I am ready for this to be over. Especially knowing that she's doing Whitney. Brace yourselves. She's dedicating to her most wonderful fiance. Haha, she's singing "Queen of the Night". No, I'm serious, y'all. And she keeps raising her arms so we can check out her armpits. How many armpit views do we need? And she does this thing where she gives the camera a high five all the time. RANDY: Wasn't great for me, dawg. Vocally not on point. Is better than last week. SARAHK: That's like saying Paula is more coherent than she was on that Seattle morning show. PAULA: Sooo much better than last week. SIMON: A for effort, you really tried. But if you take on a Whitney song, you do it at your peril. You're one of two or three very vulnerable girls tonight. SARAHK: I agree. Before I ever knew what she was singing, I had her pegged as going home. I'll let you know after I do my lineup. It was loud and dancy with not a lot of singy. Stop crying. Ask Jordin if you can borrow a tissue.
10... Sabrina Sloan. She dedicates to her Grama. She is singing "All the Man I Need". She's kind of a nasally singer, isn't she? She's doing her own thing with the song, and that makes me happy, because with a Whitney song, that's the only way you can survive on this show. I think the end is great. She's a little screechy right before the end, but the end is good. I think she was a little better last week, but still great this week. RANDY: Lost touch with the pitch in a couple of spots, that's my new way of saying pitchy, dawg. But very nice overall. Big song. Big voice. PAULA: You showed your voice last week. Dolphin clap! Bravo! SIMON: I don't like the song choice. I preferred you last week. Don't confuse shouting with power. She's a great singer, but I wasn't jumping out my chair this week. But you'll be back next week. SARAHK: Yes, don't screech and yell, but I liked what you did with the song when you made it your own, dawg. I like her pretty well. Oh, and lose some of the nasal bit, would you? I just noticed that and it bothers me.
My order tonight:
04 Melinda Doolittle*
Ok, so to the predictions. I'm so nervous, seeing how I'm 4 for 4 this season. Thank you, thank you. Don't applaud. Just throw money. Anyway. On the girl side... I think Antonella sticks it out this week. I'm sorry, but she's like Sanjaya with that crazy inexplicable fanbase. And she's gotten a ton of extra publicity this week, so... she'll stay in one more week. But if she makes it to the top 12, that's just wrong. I think Alaina had a shot to pull herself up and skate past Antonella, Haley, and Leslie, but she blew it. Not only did she botch the song she sang, she picked a song that will tick off a lot of people, and they'll just roll their eyes and say no thanks. So I think she's out for sure. And it's not because America is trying to silence the Dixie Chicks, the bunch of evil fascists that we are. It's because we get to make our choices, too. You choose a polarizing song and sing it poorly? Not doing yourself any favors, love. Leslie or Haley... well... Haley is annoying and a bit on the phony side, plus those of us who can sing are kind of wondering how she made the top 24. She badly covered Celine Dion, then picked the Whitney song she would most likely be covered by background vocals in... is the rest of America as tired of her as I am? But the worst part? The hi-fives to the camera and the armpit stares. That's why I think she'll go home, and Leslie will stick it out one more week.
On the guy side. I wrote this yesterday in the comments: i'm sorry to tell you, there's no way that Sanjaya is leaving this week. last week, they said he was in the top 4 of the guys. the top 4! i had him around #7 after he sang a wretched rendition of a Stevie Wonder song. this kid has an inexplicable fan base. the girls (or boys) must love the hair. i think he will stay around. maybe he's this season's Jasmine.
he was by far the worst of the guys. by a mile, in my opinion. there was nothing wrong with his voice. and at a concert, a long concert, maybe this is the understated number you do sitting on the piano while everyone goes and gets a drink or uses the portapotty. maybe i listen to it on my ipod while doing my running cooldown or some relaxation exercises. i don't want to hear it on the radio driving down the road. i'll fall asleep.
then there's his personality. performing, not performing. he's 17, so he needs a ton of work. he's like Al Gore on Valium, that's how little he moves around. he's so stiff.
no, i think Jared is a definite for going home. he made a big mistake picking that creepy song this week. the other one is either going to be Nick or Brandon. i think AJ sticks around another week because he surprised even me enough to vote for him. i tried to vote and the line was busy.
hmm, Nick or Brandon... i'm going with Nick.
so i predict that Jared and Nick, Haley and Alaina go home.
Hopefully the comment spam deluge has been squished as of a few minutes ago.
If you can't comment on a recent post let me know. Unless you're a filthy online-casino pimping, Russian-woman-pr0n peddling spammer, then you can go [bleep].
Update:Sorry I killed the comments. It was a result of a misspelled word. Go figure.
I was watching last night's Glenn Beck show just now (yay Tivo), and right at the end was a lovely little segment of Glenn handily schooling the unbearable twit Keith Olbermann. I quickly jumped onto Hot Air to see if they had the video up yet. They do. I disagree with Allah, though; Glenn doesn't need to stoop to drooling and screaming unintelligible non-words to fight that moronic monkey.
Meanwhile, did y'all see Rosie's rage on the View today (I can't stay away from that trainwreck)? She said Elisabeth can only have her conservative views because she's so young. Since she's only 30, that makes her naive and stupid. Y'all remember when I said that Joy is the insane Kwazy Kos Kid and Rosie at least isn't a complete whackjob and respects other people's opinions blah blah blah? They're both freaking nuts.
A Line in the Sand
I think fighting against extremism is admirable, and even I think I've crossed some lines about being too anti-Muslim, but Dean Esmay's line in the sand (reiterated here) for commenters and co-bloggers at Dean's World is a bit unsettling... especially when I see how he responds to what seemed like reasonable questions in the comments.
I only post this because I like Dean's World, I do think bigotry on the right-wing can be a problem if unchecked, but I think this is fighting fire with fire. I'll be curious how it turns out.
As for IMAO, I'm not sure of any steadfast rules that all IMAO co-bloggers must adhere to other than not photoshopping me in ways that make me look gay. I don't seen any place for reasonable people to debate on that.
INACTION ALERT: Hybrids
INACTION ALERT! INACTION ALERT!
The actions of man could cause global warming and that could be bad, but scientists aren't really sure and can't seem to get their climate models right. Thus, it's best we do nothing. Do not go out and buy a hybrid car. If you already bought one, don't buy another.
Sarcasm Man makes a good point. If you've done the calculations and think a hybrid will save you money on gas prices, then go ahead and get one. I guess the inaction should be that, if you were planning on buying a hybrid, then go ahead and buy one. If you weren't planning on it, then don't. So, if you read this inaction alert correctly, you should not be doing anything different now than you were before.
END INACTION ALERT
The Frank Truth: Dick Cheney
After Cheney was targeted by terrorists while in Afghanistan, numerous urban legends about him have surfaced, some old and some new. Here's the facts sorted from the fiction:
Claim: Cheney could have been hurt in the bomb attack in Afghanistan.
Reportedly, Cheney formed a one man death squad after the attack, killing anyone he suspected had anything to do with the attack or may have known anyone involved with the attack. Everyone in a nearby village was found dead, all having been blasted in the face with a shotgun. In the center of the village was Cheney's usual calling card: a strangled puppy.
Claim: Despite his gruff demeanor, Cheney is a compassionate man.
Claim: To protect his health after numerous heart attacks, Cheney follows a strict, healthy diet.
Claim: Cheney divorced all financial ties to Halliburton by insuring his pension.
Claim: Cheney received five draft deferments to keep him out of the Vietnam War.
Claim: One of Cheney's daughters is a lesbian.
Claim: Cheney swallows small children whole.
February 27, 2007
American Idol Six - top 10 guys
Randy knows the guys are going to be a lot better than last week. Are you sure, Randy? Are you sure? I'm gonna hold you to that. Paula says have fun and own the song. Which means she's gonna have fun with her Loopy Juice. Simon looks into her drink glass. Ryan calls Simon his friend, and Simon has no comment.
Tonight they are supposed to dedicate their songs to someone who inspires them. I feel a good cry and a load of sarcasm welling up inside me. I hope Chris Sligh dedicates his performance to The Hoff or Simon. Maybe AJ will dedicate his song to Ryan. A snarker can dream, right?
WH... Phil Stacey is up first, and I hope he can redeem himself the teeniest bit by dedicating his performance to his wife, whom he abandoned when she was nine months pregnant so he could audition for AI -- she had to have the baby all alone. Nope. He's still a big giant pinkytoe. Looks like one too. He dedicates it to his navy command or something. He's trying to play up the military angle so we'll like him. It's not working on me. I LOVE the military, but why didn't he ever mention it before? Suddenly he wants to play it up, because he knows all the girls hate him because of the baby thing. Maybe if it had been the Marines (no offense, Harvey -- you know I heart you, but the Navy guys wear white all the time, and that does not work for me). Oh, and he's singing "Missing You" by John Waite, also done very well by Tina Turner (I love that woman). It's so stinking blah until the end, then it gets pretty good. One note is precarious, but he holds onto it and works it out, dawg. I don't think this is great because most of the song is just boring. I think it's a bad song choice. It's not exciting me until the last few bars. Randy says yippie ki-yay, you're hot and showing your power. Paula loves his tone and hears him on the radio. Paula, the radio is not on, check your vodka levels, sweetheart. Simon isn't jumping out of his chair, loved the film piece about the military (sucker), doesn't think he has originality at all, and is a very good karaoke singer right now. Ryan says but his popularity will help him, and Simon says don't worry, you'll be back next week. Good job with the reverse psychology, Simon. Wink wink. I thank you.
They've flashed to Jeff Foxworthy in the audience multiple times.
Ryan asks Sundance what he heard over the weekend. Sundance said that people told him not to be so crappy. LOL. Yes, you listened to us!
02... Jared Cotter is doing Marvin Gaye. Prepare for suckitude, world. Simon told him to be more adventurous, so he's doing Marvin Gaye!! Come ON, what you should do is read my last few years' stuff. Marvin Gaye does not work with the majority of voters on this show. No no no no no. He's for real singing "Let's Get It On". I'm out. Knowing that you have all these five, ten, fifteen, sixty, and eighty year-old women watching you, you choose this song. You're so stupid. Not to mention that it's nothing I haven't heard before from my husband. ;-) I have to tell you. I think he went for steamy. I felt like an oversized kid was up there trying to show off for the kids on the playground. And the voice was fine, pitchy occasionally, screechy at times, but it didn't stand out in a good way. I've heard better than that from the songleaders at church. Singing hymns. That don't make me want to shower afterwards. And I don't mean shower because I got all hot and bothered. I mean because I feel like you spat on me during your antics. What was with rubbing on your face? Did you have something on it? Next, please. Randy liked the voice and loved the face thing. Paula thought the face thing was good on Jared but he pushed it too much. Simon thought it was corny in parts and would have been the cabaret singer on the Love Boat. Jared retorts with, "That would have been a great Love Boat." No, Jared, I would have gotten off at the first port of call. Ryan doesn't know where to start but starts here:
RYAN: And the things we've all done to that song. Man! The memories!
Ryan actually asks Jared to do the face thing again. Mmmhmm, Ryan.
Oh wait! I forgot to watch his inspirational video. Tivo! He's dedicating to his mom and dad. Mom made him audition. Dad made him listen to Stevie Wonder and Donnie Hathaway. Ok, nothing changed my mind about whether I loved that song. I did not.
03... AJ Tabaldo is next, and he's dedicating to his mom and dad. Because they love him and stuff. He looks good, is dressed sharply. Jeans, 3/4 sleeve shirt (I forgive him, because it's not pink, it's a nice manly green), black vest. I can understand his words at the beginning of the song, he's starting off very slowly with limited band music. This is a song I've never heard, called "Feeling Good". It's been done by apparently everyone recently. Muse, Pussycat Dolls, Michael Buble. He is singing this really well, and I'm in shock. He's singing in English! I could do without the gayish hand movements, but he sings so well tonight that I just don't care. I take back everything I said about him last week. Doggone, who am I going to pick on for the rest of the night? Who will my standard joke fallback be? Not AJ. I will not pick on him for the rest of the night. Randy liked it. Paula says he has a great great voice, rah! rah!, Simon is surprised by him (I know, right?) and says he looked strangely comfortable and was almost very very good. AJ says he took their constructive criticism and went way out of his R&B comfort zone to do the song. Might I vote for him? Take a deep breath, SarahK. I might.
04... Sanjaya is dedicating to his dead grandpa. Not his sister, who got cut earlier in the season. He's wearing slacks, a maroon shirt, a top hat. His hair is in a ponytail. He's singing "Steppin' Out with My Baby", a standard by Irving Berlin. It's so quiet. The entire song is boring. Even the end when he tries to put the big finish on it is a bore. He's wooden onstage. At the end he smiles huge at the judges, because he knows how bad it was. Randy says it was a bad talent show. Paula says at least it wasn't pitchy, but hey, maybe you should sing younger songs. Simon pushes her to finish more quickly. Simon says it was like after lunch where the parents ask the kids to dress up and sing. Very weak, a little weird, and somewhat whispered. Paula wants to know why he did the song. Sanjaya says he wanted to celebrate the great heroes of music, the classics. Dude, wait for Tony Bennet.
So far, AJ is the best.
05... Chris Sligh is next, and he tells Ryan that the secret to the volume of his hair is as much conditioner as possible. And his dedication is to his wife Sarah. What is it with geeky, funny guys getting super-hot wives named Sarah? Wow, look at her! And his dedication video is wonderful. He is so sweet about his wife! Phil, take notice. And he is singing "Trouble" by Ray LaMontagne, which Taylor did last year, if I'm not mistaken. And this is good. This is really good. I'm just smiling with teeth the whole time. I'm going to rewind and listen a second time. It's that good. I love that he wears Converse with his baggy suits. It's great on the rewind, too. Randy says he's even better than last week, and good song choice. Paula says yes, good, and good wife dedication. You're awesome, but watch your pitch and getting ahead of the song. I didn't hear that tonight. Simon says he is a really good singer tonight. He was a little worried about him dedicating a song called "Trouble" to his wife, but the lyric made sense. Chris says he has been saved by a woman. Awww. Yay for Chris! First place! Oh. I suppose I should listen to the other five first. Whatever. Ryan says Chris gets a free pass for a while out of the doghouse.
06... Nick Pedro dedicates to his girlfriend. He's singing "Fever". No, really. What a horrible song choice. No he is not doing the hip-hop hand moves for this. Huh. I'm baffled by the song choice. The tone quality was good, the song choice was awful, the hand jive was hideous, he rushed ahead of the band, and it was boring. Ugh. I didn't love Nick tonight. I love the "Vote for Pedro" gimmick, but I don't love Nick tonight.
07... Blake Lewis dedicates to his parents. His dad is a hard worker, and his mom is talented in the music department. Oh yes. Dad is the one with the funny rhythm. And Blake is... NO. NO. NO. He is singing a song called "Virtual Insanity" by Jamiroquai. It's about life in the digital age. NO. NO. NO. He is singing a song about life in the digital age and how insane it is. I love the scatting. In the beginning he sounds very Maroon 5 to me, and I love Maroon 5. In the middle, I love the scatting. Did I mention the scatting? Jason Mraz is another scatter I love. Whoa whoa whoa, what happened there at the end with the pitchiness, dawg? The falsetto is good. But come on, please. Virtual insanity. These have got to be the corniest song lyrics since "Digital Getdown" by 'NSYNC. And we've had "Don't Cha" since then. So you see the gravity of the situation. I'm sorry, Blake, I can't get past the horrid lyrics. Dude, I'm typing right now, and when I click "Save", what I just typed will be out there on the interwebs. That's so insane in this digital age! Awful. But I did love the scatting. I hope enough of the teeny-boppers don't care about corniness and vote to keep you around, because you're one of my favorites. Randy says that's what he's talking about, baby! Paula ya ya ya! Simon disagrees and says exactly what I said with a few added details: the beginning was a copycat of the original, the scatting was good and original, and the end was pitchy. You were better last week. SarahK: except the scatting. I like the addition of the scatting. Other than that, you were better last week.
Speaking of Mr. A to Z, Chris Richardson just told Seacrest that he will be singing "Geek in the Pink" in a bit. Yes! That will be pure joy for me if he doesn't screw it up. It's on my iPod, in my "running" playlist.
08... Brandon Rogers dedicates "Time After Time" to his dead grandmother. He's wearing a pink shirt. His voice is shaky at first. He's behind the music the whole time, like every single line, he's trying to remember the words. I thought it was really boring. And honestly, I sang "Time After Time" on our karaoke game this weekend to see if I could get a perfect score, 50K points, and yes, I did, and I think I did better on it. It was so over-thought-out, if that makes sense. Really, y'all, I just can't wait to get to "Geek in the Pink". Seriously, if he pulls that off? Anyway, this didn't do it for me. Randy thinks it's great that he dedicated it to his Grams, but it was boring. Brandon says, but I was really trying to put my heart into it so I didn't think it needed extra. Paula says he didn't need to oversing, and no one knows how it feels to dedicate it to the Grama. Simon rolls his eyes and says let's take it back to a singing competition and forget all the rubbish about your dedication. Simon says you have to get past the "I'm feeling it" nonsense and show that you are a good singer, which you are. Brandon tells everyone it's his dad's birthday, and he feels great about singing the song. Simon says, btw, it's my mum's birthday in November. Oh, and I love puppies. LOL. Randy admits to liking dogs. Poor Brandon, but he totally walked into that.
09... Chris Richardson is dedicating to his Grama, his "Big Mama". Um, have you read "Geek in the Pink" lyrics? Do you know what you will be singing to dear old Gram? Just saying, that's not a song to dedicate to your Grama. It's got some grexual overtones. This performance is great. I would have said excellent except that he had a hard time keeping the microphone to his mouth so we could hear him. His singing was a cross between Mr. A to Z and Justin Timberlake. Dancing and aftershocks (that's the body movements after the song is over) were very JT. But the microphone technique was very RightWingDuck during the hiatused IMAO Podcast. Y'all don't know what I go through to make it so y'all can hear him. ;-D Randy says it was better than Jason Mraz himself, and that is absolute blasphemy. Someone tie him to a stake and set him on fire for me, would you? Not really, ok? If Randy is set on fire soon, please take note that I withdrew my request, so don't look at me. Paula says it was a funny song for dedicating to your Grama. Oh no! Did someone replace my Dasani with vodka tonight? Because she and I never speak the same language. Nope, that is definitely water in my Dasani bottle. Simon says he's somebody to watch, and he's the best tonight by a mile. I don't know, I'd like to hear Chris Sligh again to compare.
10... Sundance dedicates this to his son Levi, who's 3.5 months old. When he auditioned, his wife was pregnant, and he misses being away from his family. Levi's already smiling, and Sundance had to miss that because he's off at American Idol. BUT. He dedicated his video to his son, and he, as far as we know, was around when the little tyke was born.
(Aren't y'all glad I'm directing all my venom toward a male this year so that y'all can't automatically assume that it's envy? It makes it so much more confusing for you, doesn't it? And no, before you ask, I've never had a baby, and I've never had a husband miss the birth of my baby. And my dad was present at my birth, or at least that's what my mom tells me. I think I've seen pictures. I just think it's wrong. There were eight audition cities, and the price of airfare isn't much more expensive to other cities than to Birmingham from Jacksonville. He could have found another way. I mean, you can fly round trip to New York from Melbourne for pretty cheap, so he could have done a little research and found another way. Until I hear something like he was in Iraq fighting at all the other audition times (or, you know, on a submarine or ship in the middle of an ocean), and Birmingham was the only city that wasn't during a time when he was fighting for my freedom, "he's a pale-faced, mealy-mouthed ninny, and I hate him!")
Anyway, to Sundance. This performance is a 180 from where he was last week. Ok, I'll go with 160. I don't want to go crazy, because it's a fast and wild song, and I've heard karaoke bars go wild at this song, so I'll hopefully say he's 100% improved. He's doing "Mustang Sally", which is right up his alley. No rhyme intended. It's lively, soulful, fun, and vocal. He uses a lot of range during this performance, tricks up the song a lot, and I'm very pleased. I had started to wonder whether his audition was a fluke. Randy says what a difference a week makes. Welcome back, you dropped the bomb. Sundance thanks America for keeping him around one more week. Paula gives a standing ovation seal clap and says he has such an awesome range and thinks it's the best vocal he's ever done. Simon says yes, he's back, but let's not get carried away (he's so smart). It's a very popular song with everyone up on their feet, so I still think you can do better. Then Ryan says he thinks Sundance has been away from Levi longer than he thinks and shows him a photoshopped picture of Levi with Sundance's goatee. It's cute, Simon winks, and then, I'm not kidding, Ryan reaches out and fondles Sundance's goatee and comments on it being hard. Sundance shares the secret of hairspray, and I'm too scarred to continue.
Ok, the order tonight, my intense dislike for Phil notwithstanding (*s get votes):
05... Chris Sligh*
American Idol Six - top 24 results show
We were at Disney World Thursday night when all my American Idol predictions came true, but I'm rewatching the results show now (we watched Friday night when we got home), and I have things to say!
So here they are.
They announced all the guest stars who will be appearing this season. Let's discuss. Or let's me talk and you listen.
Diana Ross. Oh, I can't wait for that tragedy of a disco night. I could make myself a big pot of coffee to stay awake, but excess caffeine is bad for my epilepsy. Stupid neurological diseases! No wait, why am I mad at my brain waves? Stupid bad disco nights on American Idol that make me want to fall into a deep sleep and dream about cherry blossom trees and purple unicorns! Why must they taunt me?
Jon Bon Jovi. Sweet! One of those teeny-bopping wailers (probably Jordin) will sing "Wanted Dead or Alive" in a full-length, sparkly, long red evening gown. Mark those words, y'all, I'm tellin' ya. But she'll replace "cowboy" with "cowgirl", and she'll smile ear-to-ear like "look how clever I am!" when "cowgirl" comes out of her mouth, and her adoring fans will giggle and cheer. I won't be cheering. I'll be looking for this permalink so I can remind y'all of when I said this. Chris Sligh will sing an obscure song that wouldn't make the greatest hits album, and Randy will pretend to have loved that song for years, dawg.
J-Lo. A.J. Trabaldo will try to sing "Love Don't Cost a Thing", but we will have such a hard time understanding him that we will think he's singing "my oven tone caught touching". No wait, I take it back. If he makes the top 12, there is no justice in the world. Why yes. That is the only J-Lo song I know. It would be torturous to know more.
Gwen Stefani. It would be worth keeping A.J. around just to hear him sing "Hollaback Girl". I'm concerned about that night and what it might bring. Gwen Stefani is a rocker and a character, a full package, and I think without her whole package, the songs aren't really good enough to stand alone. I hope I'm wrong, but I... hmm. I see a steam train rolling onto the stage that night. I anxiously await it with glee.
Tony Bennett. You know I love me crooners. And I love/hate standards night on American Idol. It's deliciously awful for the people who can't sing (they get exposed -- ahem, Kellie Pickler) and a lovely showcase for the people who can.
Martina McBride. Eeeee! I say eeee, but there are actually very few Martina McBride songs that I can see blowing the voters away and really being vote-worthy. She has a lot of ballads that won't scream "vote for me!" So the contestants are going to have to get creative and insert themselves, do their own thang, dawg. Very few of the contestants can do "Independence Day" and get away with it, because it was Carrie Underwood's signature just two seasons ago, so they'll have to do it so much better in order to not be compared to her. Other than that, there's "Broken Wing"; someone should scoop that one up quickly, because if you do that one right, it's the automatic winner. The guys have the advantage of the night, because the girls will be compared to the original, while the guys can basically do the song closer to as-is without coming under too much fire from the judges. She has a huge body of work, so the contestants should start looking through her songlist now. And so help me pete, if anyone sings that horrible song about God-fearing women who don't want to stir the gravy anymore and decide to quit the Baptist choir and their marriages to become whores, I will shred someone's vocal chords with my own fingernails. I'll do it, don't make me come out there to Hollywood, peeps! It will be an interesting night.
Lulu and Peter Noone from Herman's Hermits on British Invasion 60s night. 60s night. I could cry.
Barry Gibb from The BeeGees. I cheered at this one. Cheered. I loooove the BeeGees.
"Sowing the Seeds of Love". Ahahahahaha. The snaps are killing me.
I hate the V-cast commercials. If I was sitting on a plane, and a random stranger asked if he could check out my V-cast, I would say no. Nobody else is putting my very own earbuds inside their ears. Maybe Frank. Maybe my sister or my mom. That's about my limit. So disgusting.
Ryan asks Chris Sligh if he's nervous, and Chris is nervous that America took the banter with Simon the wrong way. America, Chris loves Simon. Simon likes Chris, because Chris loves Simon.
Foot Fungus Freak Paul Kim wore shoes for getting kicked off and also for "Sowing the Seeds of Love". I betcha the producers demanded it and Lysoled the stage. He does not take my advice and still does the gansta hip-hop dance while singing about his guilty, stinky, neckid athlete's feet.
Amy Krebs is the first girl to get the ax, and Ryan decides he hates her, so he asks Simon to give her words of wisdom. "You're not a standout" or something like that. Oops, should have asked Paula for a rah-rah speech.
Fantasia comes out to sing, and the singing is good, but her dress is way too tight. I don't mean just immodestly tight (if I wanted to talk about modesty, I could go on about other aspects of the dress). I mean that dress is painted into her. Not onto her. Into. Come on, you're like super-rich now. You can't find a dress that fits? Or a stylist? Fantasia, I voted for you many times! Don't embarrass me by not knowing that you're a size 6 and not a 4. And 6 is awesome. Don't try to squeeze into a 4 just because that's what you wore in high school. Remember you've had a baby since high school. No wait, you had the baby in high school. Ok, so you should be used to the 6 by now. Face the facts. I do love you, so I come in peace.
Second boy to get the boot is Rudy Cardenas, because he no sing English. He speaks English just fine, but when he starts singing, he just garbles all the words, so I happily say goodbye.
Second girl to go is Nicole Tranquillo, and the second time she sings, I'm doing that cringing thing I did the first time I heard her sing. What is that? How did she get through to the top 24? I don't get that. Not at all.
Ok, now we watch tonight's episode. Just remember, I'm 100% on my predictions so far. I'm awesome.
I Finally Have to Ask
I happened to head over there today because of an Ann Althouse post where she mentions how Duncan Black (a.k.a. Atrios) of Eschaton tried to fact check her on the most inane thing possible. Eschaton has been one of the most popular left-wing blogs since I first saw there were left-wing blogs, but it's never been able to keep my attention for more than a couple second scan. While most liberal blogs seem to be extremely wordy (Greenwald's blog is practically all words and no content), Eschaton has... well, nothing. It's like a bunch of sentence fragments with a link every few posts. If "Indeed" and "Heh" are just too verbose a commentary, Eschaton is the blog for you.
Here's one of yesterday's posts:
That's it. That's the whole post. There's no link that or discernible context that might make this clever. That's a whole "thought" he had and decided to share. And posts like that bring in nearly a hundred thousand unique visitors a day.
Sometimes I wonder if I should stop making fun of the left-wing blogosphere because it's equivalent to making fun of someone with a mental handicap. I don't want to be that kind of person.
I'm serious. It's something to think about.
Okay. I'm not serious... but sometimes I like to pretend I am.
INACTION ALERT: This Is an Inaction Alert
INACTION ALERT! INACTION ALERT!
I decided that action alerts just weren't working for me. Anyway, we're conservatives and have jobs and useful things to do, so why not instead have inaction alerts. With everyone--especially the always hysterical liberals--freaking out about everything, I think what this country needs is a strong call to inaction. Ignoring something or someone is the highest for of dominance, anyway. So let's all calm down and go about our daily business unless something explodes.
END INACTION ALERT
Muslims + Kites = Eleven Dead
So, it's at least eleven dead and over one hundred injured from a kite festival in Pakistan. This wasn't the first time either, as a BBC article says that nine were killed in the 2004 festival causing kites to be banned for a while in Pakistan. We all know that won't stop violence, though, as you can remove the kite from a man's hand but not the murder from his heart. He'll just get his hands on a pinwheel or a hula hoop and you have another massacre on your hands.
I think that's enough news from the Middle East for today. Anymore and I might get jaded.
Before I noted how you could add "Muslims Are Offended" to any headline and it won't sound out of place, and I think we have something similar here. For any event happening in the Middle East, you can just add a casualty count to the end of headline and no one would notice. E.g. "Children's Literacy Event Held in Saudi Arabia; 12 Dead"
IMAO Readership Quality Screening Test
Take the "Are You a Dumb American Quiz", examine your results, and follow the appropriate instructions below:
So... how did you do?
Al Gore the Environmental Chickenhawk
Plus, Gore purchases "carbon offsets"... the plenary indulgence of the environmentalism religion. Yes, Gore does urge others to change their lifestyles while living extravagantly himself, but he has the money to purchase "carbon offsets," so the liberals don't see any hypocrisy in that.
Maybe--and I'm just going out on a limb here--those who lack basic logic skills should stay away from issues of science.
I just realized something: Aren't I basically calling Gore a chickenhawk? I'm pretty much arguing against Gore's belief in global warming by pointing out that he doesn't believe in it enough to change his own lifestyle. It is faulty reasoning--one's argument can easily be correct or incorrect regardless of his or her own actions--but the left-wing loves faulty reasoning so perhaps it our duty to point out that Al Gore is an environmental chickenhawk. We should ignore anything he has to say about global warming until he signs up to fight in Iraq... or something.
Jim Treacher has it right: Liberals seem hung up thinking we don't understand "carbon offsets" when, in fact, we just don't buy it. Perhaps we understand it better than they do.
February 26, 2007
Because Man Can't Live on Humor and Politics Alone
Thanks for everyone who has commented on the first chapter of Hellbender. I was busy this weekend, but I hope to finish the second chapter soon.
The Tyranny of Those with Too Much Time on Their Hands
I see Little Green Footballs and Hot Air are still going on about the problems with Digg. Basically, their stories that are submitted to Digg are then descended upon by a bunch of cyber-monkeys who do nothing but bury opinions they don't like. Thus, as soon as an LGF post makes the front page of Digg, it's soon removed for being marked as "inaccurate" or "spam" and thus LGF and other conservative sites miss the huge number of eyeballs that the front page of Digg delivers. It's hard to say how many of the people who use Digg daily are left-wing nut balls, but my guess is it's a small minority that spend all day prowling for any opinions that offend their senses and crushing said opinions. Still, it's certainly enough people.
Efforts against this so far has seemed to be to appeal to a sense of fairness in these losers at Digg or to shame them for their fascists tendencies.
Hello! Have you guys ever met a liberal on the internet before? These people are so lost in their reality-based fantasy world where they valiantly wage war against Emperor ChimpyMcHilterburton that they are as immune to reason as Superman is to bullets. If the guys who run Digg don't care about the rules being exploited to suppress certain viewpoints, then the only way to change things is to force a rule change by making things unworkable as they are. If making Digg fair is important to conservatives, then the only possibly effective course of action is to organize efforts to bury and mark as spam any entries from sites popular on Digg until everyone demands the ratings system be fixed.
Of course, this isn't important to me so I won't be joining. I did add the Digg option to posts on IMAO out of solidarity with the right-wing blogosphere, but I don't see the point in pressing this any further. The same sort of thing going on at Digg has happened with YouTube and any entry on controversial topic on Wikipedia. What conservatives face here is more a force of nature. The people who rule the internet will always be those with the most spare time on their hands, and liberal weenies are always going to have an excess of spare time (why do you think they are the ones who do protests?). This isn't a battle we can win, and I think it's a waste of time to fight it.
Fun Facts About Washington
While the IMAO podcast is still MIA, I'm going to keep posting the latest uncut Fun Facts About The 50 States - hopefully on a weekly(ish) schedule.
(continued in extended entry)
Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting - yet completely useless, and probably untrue - information about each of the 50 states.
This week, we'll be buying a new umbrella - not because we lost the old one, but because it actually wore out from constant use - as we visit Washington. So let's get started...
Washington became the 42nd state on November 11, 1889. The state's name was chosen as a long-overdue honor to America's first President... and because "wood-toothed wig-wearer" sounded a bit clunky as a state name.
Seattle is home to the world's first revolving restaurant, "The Top of the Needle", completed in 1961. Victims of a recent salmonella outbreak at the restaurant were buried in the nearby revolving cemetery "The Bottom of the Gravel Pit".
Washington's license plate has black lettering over a light blue mountain design, and features the state motto, "First 5000 tourists receive a free umbrella!".
Washington produces more apples than any other state in the nation. For some reason, Bill Gates gets twitchy when you say that in front of him.
Starbucks Coffee was founded in Seattle, Washington, in 1987. It saved the Filthy Hippie Protester industry from bankruptcy by giving it a target for it's senseless anger during the debilitating peace between the two Gulf Wars.
Washington has more glaciers than all the other 47 contiguous states combined. This tends to scare tourists away from the state, since everyone knows that if a glacier bites you, you'll slowly go insane with global warming paranoia. If you don't believe me, check Al Gore's neck for bite marks sometime.
Washington's capitol building was the last state capitol to be built with a rotunda. State capitol buildings constructed since then have used more modern architectural features, like cantilevered ceilings and indoor water slides.
Everett, Washington is home to the world's largest building - Boeing's final assembly plant. It encloses nearly 500 million cubic feet - enough to hold every Muslim terrorist in the world... if you chopped them into little pieces first... which, frankly, I don't have a problem with.
Medina, Washington is the home of Microsoft founder and multi-billionaire Bill Gates. Who just happens to own a blender big enough to chop every Muslim terrorist in the world into little pieces.
Software giant Microsoft is headquartered in Redmond, Washington. An aerial view of the corporate campus shows that the buildings are colored and arranged to form the world's largest Blue Screen of Death.
The state flag of Washington has a green background behind a picture of George Washington holding a cup of half-caf-double-shot-extra-foam-vanilla-soy cappuccino.
King County - Washington's largest county - was originally named in 1852 after William Rufus King, vice president under president Franklin Pierce. In 1986 it was "re-named" in honor of Dr. Martin Luther King. Between those times it may also have been named in honor of Stephen King, Rodney King, Billie Jean King, and possibly even Sgt. Preston's dog, for all we know.
The state flower of Washington is mildew.
Washington was the birthplace of both Jimi Hendrix (Seattle) and Bing Crosby (Tacoma). Although representing vastly different music styles, they DID collaborate to record the holiday classic, "Purple Christmas".
The oldest continually operating gas station in the US is located in Zillah, Washington. It hasn't changed much since it opened in 1873, and still accepts payments by either cash, check, or beaver pelt.
The world's first soft-serve ice cream machine is located in an Olympia, Washington Dairy Queen. It was installed in 1940 as a way to cater to a growing demand for something cold, bland, and containing more air than actual substance. Much the same desire that drives Hillary's 2008 presidential campaign today.
Residents of Washington are properly referred to as "Washingtonians", despite the widespread use of the less-favored term, "Starbucks-swilling Nirvana-moshers".
Washington is home to the only rainforests in the US. Sadly, these rainforests contain nothing but wet trees, and don't meet the minimum requirements for malaria and naked savages that would make environmentalists give a crap about them.
Europeans first landed in Washington when the Spanish ship Santiago visited briefly in 1775. The captain's log entry that day consisted only of the terse and cryptic phrase, "Smells like teen spirit".
Lewis & Clark visited Washington 30 years later in 1805. Their report was, "Smells like mid-life crisis".
Tumwater, Washington was the state's first colonial settlement. It was founded by Canadians seeking the religious freedom to worship coffee and donuts, which was forbidden by Canada's repressive Tea & Crumpetist regime.
Washington is home to such internet giants as Amazon.com, Classmates.com, and Whitepages.com, which explains why the state song is "DAMMIT! ANOTHER POP-UP!"
In the early 1900's, Aberdeen, Washington was known as "the roughest town west of the Mississippi", as it was a haven for violence, saloons, whorehouses, and gambling establishments. It was also rated the #1 tourist destination for both sailors and the Irish.
The Grand Coulee Dam on Washington's Columbia river is the largest concrete structure ever built. It contains over 12 million cubic yards of concrete - nearly enough to build a life-size statue of Ted Kennedy's drinking problem.
In 1980, Washington's Mount St. Helens volcano erupted with such violence that the top 1600 feet of the mountain were completely blown away. The sudden, cataclysmic destruction of over $1 billion in economic resources was rumored to have given Bill Gates the idea for Microsoft Windows.
Washington has a higher percentage of non-religious people than any other state, which is why so many cars there have window signs saying "Blasphemer On Board".
Washington ranks first in the nation in the production of apples, cherries, pears, and grapes, earning it the nickname of "America's Fruit Basket". The city of San Francisco has the same nickname, although for an entirely different reason.
Pictionary was invented by Ron Angel of Seattle, Washington, in 1986. According to numerous scientific studies, the game is responsible for more bad art than Picasso, Jackson Pollock, and the National Endowment for the Arts combined.
The state marine mammal of Washington is the Orca. Although some small-minded, bigoted racists refer to them as "killer whales", the term is more properly translated as "whales of peace".
The fact that they frequently kidnap and behead seals in the name of their God, Poseidon, is no excuse for not respecting their cultural differences.
Maybe those seals should ask themselves why the orcas hate them.
Actor Adam West - who played Batman in the 1960's TV series - was born in Walla Walla, Washington, in 1928. He's been quoted as saying that his least favorite part about playing the Caped Crusader was "Batpole burn".
That wraps up the Washington edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be doing genealogy research as we travel through the gene puddle of West Virginia.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go book my vacation to Aberdeen.
[The complete e-book version of "Fun Facts About the 50 States" is now available at Amazon.com. If you don't have a Kindle, you can download free Kindle apps for your web browser, smartphone, computer, or tablet from Amazon.com]
In My World: Non-Binding Satire
"Yay! Pudding cup time!" President Bush exclaimed as he eagerly tore off the plastic cover and grabbed a spoon. "Nothing better than pudding cup time."
"We need to talk to you!" Harry Reid and John Murtha barged into the Oval Office.
"Hey! No one is supposed to bother me during pudding cup time... unless it's about pudding!"
"We have important things to discuss with you!" Reid said.
"No you don't! You're Democrats!" Bush pulled his pudding cup close to him so they wouldn't steal it.
"You're going to lose this war and we'll make sure!" Murtha said. "We passed a non-binding resolution in the House against your surge!"
"You're a surge!" Bush shouted.
"You're wit is as sharp as always," Reid said, "but that won't save you when I finally get my cloture vote to pass a non-binding resolution against you in the Senate!"
"You'll never get a cloture vote because you have no penis!"
"You have no proof of that!"
Bush waved his pudding spoon at them. "You Democrats are bad bad people! Did either of you think of how this sort of thing will affect the troops?"
* * * *
"I heard the Democrats passed a non-binding resolution," Gomez the Marine said as he patrolled a street in Iraq. "Any idea what that is?"
"No," Buck the Marine answered, "but I'm guessing from context it's some sort of homosexual sex act."
* * * *
"Enough talk!" Murtha shouted. He held up a piece of paper. "This is a non-binding arrest warrant for your illegal warring! Now I'm going put you in non-binding cuffs." He placed handcuffs on Bush that promptly fell off. "Just wait until your non-binding trial when I read all these non-binding charges in this non-binding binder!" He held up a binder and all the papers fell out of it.
"Why are your pants around your ankles?" Bush asked. "Is your belt-buckle non-binding?"
"That plant is laughing at me!" Murtha shouted and pointed.
Bush looked where Murtha was pointing. "That's a desk lamp."
"What Murtha is trying to say," Reid said, "is that you best declare your loss and end your war now! We Democrats will pester you until you have no hope but to--"
"Aieee!" Murtha screamed and jumped out the window.
"What was that about?" Bush asked.
Reid shrugged. "Who knows."
"You ever thought about putting him in a home?"
"Well... we're looking at a few different options... Anyway, your war is lost and there is nothing you can do to keep we Democrats from surrendering! Muh ha ha ha ha!" Reid then stood there for a moment. "Murtha had the car keys; can you call me a cab back to the Capitol?"
"No!" Bush threw a stapler at Reid who fled out the door. "Back to pudding cup time!" Bush was about to take a spoonful, but Condoleezza Rice rushed in and grabbed the pudding cup.
"Pudding cup time is over. You have to work on foreign affairs!"
"Nooooooooooo!" Bush yelled and pounded his desk. "Hey, Condi, which party controls Congress right now?"
"Then why do they seem even more useless than before?"
It's Out There... I Guess
What's the story with the new FOX News' show about blogs called It's Out There? It's hosted by Michelle Malkin and Kristen Powers and premiered yesterday against the Oscars after a rerun of the 1/2Hour News Hour pilot. I can't find it mentioned on either Malkin's or Powers' blog, and only found out about it to tivo it because Powers appeared on FOX and Friends Sunday morning. Did they not want bloggers to find out about it? Actually, having watched it, it wasn't too much information I don't know already from my regular blog reading, so maybe it's aimed more at someone who doesn't normally read blogs... like Cadet Happy (yes, he blogs for IMAO and I found out this weekend he's never heard of the Edwards' blogger scandal). The show has potential, but I wonder if I'll see it again next weekend.
I guess, being this the blogosphere, I could just e-mail Malkin and Powers asking about the show instead of asking you people who probably don't know anything more than I do and will just spout more unsubstantiated theories, but, if I make an effort to find out more information about a story, then I'm no better than a common journalists.
Eh, I'll e-mail them. I don't want you pestering them now that I mentioned it and then getting that blamed on me.
BTW, isn't using Wikipedia as a source the same as using "some guy" as a source? I would surprised that any teacher who knows what Wikipedia is would allow it being using as a research source. Since everything on Wikipedia is supposed to be sourced, it's still useful as a research tool if you explore all of its claims in an article.
John Hawkins saw the show and had the same reaction I did, except, instead of not bothering to look up the third person's name who appears on the show, I just didn't even mention him.
Duh. When I want to find out about a show on FOX News, I should turn to News Hounds. It's a very interesting site; basically, it's a bunch of liberals who hate FOX News who do nothing but watch FOX News and blog about it. You should see they're dour humorlessness applied to Red Eye (Gutfeld made two of their picks for most outrageous FOX News quotes of the week); that combination is pure comedy gold.
Anyway, here is their take on It's Out There. They agree with me that the concept is promising, and I agree with them that it would be better to feature more far left-wing blogs. That's always entertaining.
Never got a response from Malkin or Powers in e-mail and they still haven't mentioned the show on their sites, so I can only assume some huge sort of conspiracy is going on here. Thus I will stop talking about this lest I be disappeared.
February 25, 2007
Just an Idea
I know any attempt at a joke at in which the punchline is "Al Gore really won the election" is going to get a huge laugh for the self-indulgent nitwits that make up most of Hollywood, but here's an idea to get a laugh out of everyone else. As soon as Ellen DeGeneres made the joke, a siren could have gone off while balloons fell from the ceiling. Then a man could come out and announce DeGeneres is the one billionth liberal to make a lame "Gore won the election" joke and she gets a free copy of Coping with Loss.
I think I might have laughed at that, but the moment is gone.
While we're on the subject, we all know that you don't get the Presidency for winning the popular vote, but did Gore get a framed certificate that said something to the effect of "Won the popular vote in an election for U.S. President." You all have to admit that that's at least worth a framed certificate.
February 23, 2007
February 22, 2007
Worst. Activist Ad. Ever.
After watching this ad, I just want to go out and destroy the earth so I can tell this kid, "There, I destroyed the earth. Know why? Because I'm bigger than you, that's why. So what are you going to do about it, you little punk?"
This kid has anti-charisma in spades. I want to go buy a soda right now just so I can throw the bottle in the regular trash.
While I'm posting videos, this one is just for SarahK:
The joke seems old to me just because I've been doing that imitation ever since I met SarahK. CSI: Horatio is one of our favorite shows (and yet only our third favorite show on Monday).
(hat tip to Ace)
Calrification: Non-Binding Resolution and Self Gratification
I like to keep this site family-friendly--or, at least, not obscene--but I felt compelled to compare passing a non-binding resolution to masturbation. This post was linked by Salon and we got some... uh... new commenters on the subject. Many disputed the similarity between passing a non-binding resolution and Harry Reid going to his office to masturbate saying that such a resolution was more like public masturbation.
"I would like to bring to your attention amendment number--HARRY REID!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!"
More like that.
David Vogel of The Cultural Report sent me a link to this anti-Iraq War site MoveCongress.org where it's supporting a national "Meet Up with Your Member Week." If it takes Democrats a whole week to find their members, then perhaps masturbation is a much more complex and involving activity than a non-binding resolution and thus not a valid comparison.
Hellbender - Chapter 1
Yay! I finally put it up!
It's a bit rough (this doesn't have SarahK proofreading yet though I've certainly gone over it a lot more than a blog post), but I'm hoping it's a good start. It's quite different than the original bit by bit story, but Doug, Bryce, Charlene, and Lulu are still there and nearly unchanged.
Anyway, I'd really appreciate any help in making this a good story. It's posted at Baen's Bar in the Slush Pile section (comments on the story go in Slush Comments). You'll have to register, but it only takes a second and they've never spammed the e-mail I supplied for registering to the forum.
If you have suggestions for making the story better, that would be quite helpful. If you point out big problems or things that come off as too confusing, that would also be helpful. If it sucks so badly that it should be immediately buried, I'll need to hear that too so I can stop working on Chapter 2.
Anyone who helps in this project will get extra IMAO bonus points. Don't pass up this exciting offer!
Hope you enjoy it. The story combines both science and fiction.
February 21, 2007
American Idol Six - Top Twelve girls
Ryan is trying to lie and say that there was a good start to the competition last night. Lie. Ur.
After the recap, Ryan starts in being a complete pinkytoe to Simon. And now starts the Seacrest Simon Smoochy Hour. Ryan is picking and picking and picking, trying to get Simon to admit that Chris Sligh got under his skin. Listen, Miss Seacrest. I'll tell you how I saw it, and I am the Lovely and Talented SarahK, so after I make my judge's ruling, you can shut your piehole and remember that you're just the host and not the talent. If you don't chill out (because really, something has got stuck in yer craw, as we say in Texas upon occasion), I'm going to accuse Joy Behar (a talentless hack) of being able to take you in a witting contest with half her comedy tied behind her back, and that idiot is a one-joke pony (Dick Cheney is evil! Halliburton did it! Duh-hur-hur!! Ba-dum-ching!). Anyway, listen up, Seacrest. You were trying to take Cowell to your girly mat because you wanted to know about random college singings, and Simon told you to put a sock in it. You kept badgering him and annoying me. Chris, the long-forgotten judgee, whose judging time you were usurping with your inanity, said, "hey guys, remember me? Il Divo and Teletubbies!" and Simon stopped arguing with you for half a second. it looked like he was ticked off at you for forgetting your place and getting him off his rhythm, because had you kept quiet during the Simon Segment, Simon would have been able to come up with something razor-sharp to counter with. Instead, he had to settle for the butter knife that made fun of Chris's weight. But hey, Chris asked for it. After that, Simon stopped talking.
Get OVER yourself, Miss Ryan. Love ya.
On to the girls.
IDOLS 01... Stephanie Edwards is first. She looks pretty in a purply blue and brown knee-length dress. Hmm, I didn't really critique the boy clothing last night, did I? Well, except Foot Fungus Freak Paul Kim, who needs shoes. She sounds really good. Has great stage presence, is owning the stage. I would have hoped for a better song than this. "How Come You Don't Call Me Anymore" by Alicia Keys. Nice run at the end. She barely made that last note, I mean she crawled toward it like Seacrest toward a snappy comeback, and she only squeaked by. But she really came out swinging and didn't go safe like the safety guys of Tuesday night. That last note really hurt my ears, though. Especially on the replay. I think I'll vote for her. Randy loved her even though she was pitchy dawg but can learn from it. Paula says she's a star. Simon says she's better than everything, better than the guys last night (who all clap and nod and smile and pretend that they're happy for her), better than herself, better than sex and chocolate and Paula's vodka and unicorns and definitely better than Seacrest. Simon thought it was a good song choice. I disagree, but whatever. She sang it mostly well.
IDOLS 02... Amy Krebs is next up in a hideous early '90s pattern dress that's a little too big for her. She sings "I Can't Make You Love Me". That is true. You also can't make me wake up. Unexciting. Safe. I like her hair, though. That's something. Randy says she should have been soulful, but she went safe. Paula says yes. Randy says she's better than that. Simon says she's forgettable and has the personality of a candle. Amy says yes sir, Simon, and it's all he can do to keep from rolling his eyes. He tells her everything about her right now, including the dress and the hair, are forgettable.
IDOLS 03... Leslie Hunt is next, and I read today or yesterday that she has the Lupus, so we're supposed to feel sorry for her and vote accordingly. No, I promise to make fun of her shortcomings just like I do with the other contestants, Lupus notwithstanding. I didn't hold back on Elliott last year because of his diabetes (of course, I really liked him, but when he was bad I said so), and I didn't hold back on Kellie Pickler because of her cognitive disability. In fact, I made fun of that, worked it into my schtick. Leslie looks much older than 24. Y'all check her ID. Anyway, her dress is ok, nothing offensive, a little nondescript. The boots don't work with the dress. She's singing "(You Make Me Feel Like A) Natural Woman". Y'all remind me to make fun of that song title someday. Anyway, I hope that spastic stage dancing isn't related to the Lupus, because I need to make fun of that and don't want to feel sorry for her about it instead. That's some bad dancing. The singing is fine, and she's really trying, but she's not blowing me away. But she's not trying to be safe, so I appreciate that. Randy says Dawg, you're no Aretha. Well, neither are you, Dawg! Paula says she did great. Simon says nuh-uh. He says it was ok, but she's a dog walker and she was out of her element, and Ryan says he actually knows what Simon is saying. Yes, Ryan, that you're his... coworker.
IDOLS 04... Sabrina Sloan is up next, looking cute and almost modest in a white see-thru long blouse (it had potential to be cute) and jeans. And very uncomfortable shoes. She's singing "I Never Loved a Man". The ladies love Aretha tonight. She's fantastic. Everything about her. The voice, the song, the stage presence. Randy loves her, Paula loves vodka and standing ovations, and Simon loves himself and self-adulates over his previous comments. How he is so right to say that the ordinary performances are just not good enough, because someone like Sabrina comes on and proves what Idol is all about. Simon says she's the best yet. SarahK agrees. Sabrina smiles. Hey, that was a movie back when I was five! I loved that movie! No wait. It was Savannah Smiles. I loved that movie, but now it's not as exciting. Ryan asks why no ballad? Sabrina says she actually watches the show and wants to win. Vote for her for sure.
IDOLS 05... Antonella Barba, the BFF whose BFF got cut from the show. Because God likes good people. But apparently, Antonella let Amanda pick her song for her, because Antonella (I'm guessing the parents really wanted a boy and wanted to name her after the father Anthony, right?) is singing "Don't Wanna Miss a Thing" by Aerosmith. As soon as I heard the opening notes... sigh. So let's talk about the look. I hate those shirts that have little short sleeves but the shoulders cut out. What IS that? You don't want people to see your dandruff, so you cut out the dandruff's landing pad? I don't get it. She's pretty in red, but huh. Jeans, red heels. I'm not pleased with the hair. She has this gorgeous long brown hair, and she pulled it back in a boring ponytail. Why, to show off those big hoop earrings? They're plain. Ok, the song. Pitch problems galore. I thought she might do something good with it when she stepped off that urinal chair she was sitting on, but no. Then at the end, when the song gets really huge, she just took it down a hundred notches for the teeny ending. It didn't work. Randy is displeased. Paula breaks out the beautiful card, which means that it tanked, and Simon says the song was way too big for her, but the good news is she's attractive. Yes, Simon, but she hid the hair to show off the earrings! Wow, I have the DVR paused on her face right after Simon's harsh judging, and she is gorgeous. I'm not kidding, she could be a Max Factor model. Why does that makeup brand pop into my head? Look at her bone structure, nice unobtrusive (inobtrusive?) ears. Very pretty. Simon says she might go home. Anthony Jr.'s mom's eyes are huge at that remark. Jr. asks what she can do better, and Simon tells her to sing pop. Ryan says, did you realize that song was a risk? Anthony Jr. says, yes but I figured it was a risk worth taking. Simon says, It would be like Ryan doing the news, and Jr. does not hide that she thinks that's funny. Ryan graciously says she was better than that.
Before the break, Ryan says that Jordin Sparks is singing Tracey Chapman next. My automatic blind prediction is that Jordin Sparks is the first Wednesday night casualty. She's going home.
IDOLS 06... Jordin Sparks really for real is singing Tracy Chapman's "Gimme One Reason" on AI. I've decided to be annoyed with that until she makes me forget to be annoyed by completely ticking me off. Ok, um, remember when I challened Triple F on his hip-hop thing for "I'm never gonna dance again..."? A'ight. Listen up, sweetums, because you're only seventeen and have likely never had a bad breakup, and you don't know what this song is about. She's walking out on him, breaking up, walking out of his life, but she doesn't want to go. "Give me one reason to stay, and I'll turn right back around...This youthful heart can love you and give you what you need... " and you are up there running around the stage, parading, smiling and hooraying and soooo excited to be leaving this guy! But in the song, she is telling him, come on, just give me one reason to stay. I will do it, you can see me already turning around, just give me the word, gimme one good reason. You got it all wrong. Sounded great, but you performed it wrong. Dead wrong. Randy, who professes to know about music and be a musician, is not offended by her complete ignorance of the lyrics. Paula loves that she had fun with the song. I don't remember what Simon said.
07... Nicole Tranquillo is yelling a lot. Her black and silver top is pretty, but her black jeans look badly faded, and not stylishly. What did she sing? "Let's Stay Together". Wow, that's really that song? Supposedly, according to Randy, kind of a mix of the Chaka Khan and Erica Badu versions? Well. A lot of yelling, not much good. But I did enjoy watching her dad try to keep rhythm. Poor guy. He just did not get the rhythm gene. Anyway, I did not love her. Randy says it's the wrong kind of song for her. Paula says she doesn't know how many people can hit the notes that Nicole hit. Right Paula. Not many people. Paula says it was out of this world. Indeed. Simon says it was indulgent and the wrong song. Ryan asks if she has what it takes. Randy says yeah dawg, but it doesn't take that song. Blah blah, there's banter, and I'm bored. Can we get back to that Sabrina girl?
Hey, we had a real life bona fide runaway show up on our door step tonight. Commenced the Sarah Nervous Talky thing. She's fine. Her parents picked her up about forty-five minutes after she arrived. I bawled like a baby when I shut the door, it was very emotional.
Y'all live for my little life vignettes, don't y'all? Admit it.
IDOLS 08... Haley Scarnato is singing a Celine Dion song. "It's All Coming Back to Me". Apparently it never came to you, because you, too, have never read the lyrics you're singing. What is WITH the girls tonight? I'm losing my patience. I do, for an unknown reason, like the big doubloon around her neck. Matches the ones on Paula's ears. LOL, Chris Sligh looks incredibly bored during her judging. Her outfit is ok, but it'd be better if she hadn't lost the top. Anyway, she sings so happily and whimsically about how it's all coming back to her. Yes, Celine understands the soap opera of this song. She's moved on, she's gotten on with her life, and she's stronger now, but then he starts touching her and kissing her, and it's all coming back, and oh no. She is so not prepared for this. It's so very Sonny and Carly Corinthos today on General Hospital. Do y'all get that at the AI mansion? Watch today's episode on the soap channel tonight and see how you should have sang that song. Again. All wrong. And the whimsy arm waves were too cheesy. Too much! Don't do that, or you'll beat that blue sapphire heart right off your chest at the Oscars, Haley. Ugh. What a beating that was. Randy did not love it. Paula says she wishes Haley would have sung something they hadn't already heard her sing, but Haley is pretty. Simon says Haley sounds like she's 40. Haley tells Ryan that of course she appreciates the judges' critiques, but she's going to be her own self and sing what she wants. Well, for a week or two or zero, anyway, right, Haley? Oh, by the way, Haley botched the words like mad on this song. Every other word out of her mouth was wrong.
IDOLS 09... Melinda Doolittle is singing about being hurt in a real bad way with a giant smile on her face. Not YOU, Melinda! She's singing "Sweet Sweet Baby Since You've Been Gone" (Aretha). Her voice and energy are incredible. She's amazing, but I am appalled that she sang so happily about having been kicked to the curb. Have any of these girls ever been broken up with before? She looks great, too. Jeans, cute top, brown leather jacket, ugly earrings. Cute hair. Randy loves her, Paula loves her and her firecrackyness. Did Paula just call her a cracker? Paula, Paula, Paula. Too much vodka. Simon loves her and her story and really hopes she does well.
IDOLS 10... Alaina Alexander up front says that she's emotional and sensitive. Oh, she's perfect for Idol! I hope she reads my Idol snarkage. Anyway, she's dressed kinda nondescript for Idol. Didn't dress up or down, like she doesn't want to be noticed. That's not good. What great hair she has, though. Some of these other girls should learn from her. It's the first hair of the night that really stands out as good hair. Yes, the song. Well, it was not good enough. What can I say? She sang something about being special and wanting attention? "Brass in Pocket" by the Pretenders, apparently. She didn't really do anything special with the song. Or anything attention-worthy. I've already forgotten it. Randy says it was pitchy, dawg. Paula says that what Randy meant was that she didn't make it her own. No Paula, pitchy means "off-key". Take away the Coke cup, guys. Simon says what I said about her not being special and that she's going to depend on her looks to get by. Ryan starts being all sweet, and Simon asks if Ryan wants to date her. Simon, did you hear yourself and the pronoun at the end of the sentence? Rethink it. Ryan fumbles around for a long time. Again, I'm bored.
IDOLS 11... Gina Glocksen is tired of auditioning for American Idol, so she's ready to win it. The good news, Gina, is that now that you've made the top 24, you're no longer eligible to audition. So whether you win or not, you're done. So you get your wish either way! Glad I can bear the good news. Anyway, the music starts, and I'm scared for her. "All By Myself", the Celine version. All my muscles are tense, because this can go very badly. It can also go well. She looks as good as a girl with a tongue bolt can look, I guess. Oh, speaking of that! My sister's biopsy results came back today. It is definitely cancer, stage 0, but they think they got it all and she'll just have to go back every three months for biopsies. Ok, so here's the big note, and she hits it, and after the note, she finishes the song well and with a little non-Celine flair, even, which impresses me. Good for her. Randy is happy, Paula is praising the unicorns, and Simon says that she surprised him singing that song but he doesn't think she hit the big note. Ryan asks her about her confidence. 6 pre-performance, and 12 post-performance, because she's sure she hit the note. Tivo is our friend. I've listened to it three times, and it sounds to me like she hit it. She had to tweak it slightly, but she ended up where she needed to be, and at least she wasn't smiling giddily while singing about being all alone her bleak, isolated, cat-lady world. Ahem. If ever Frank leaves me, I'll be a cat lady, so I'm insulting only me there.
IDOLS 12... Lakisha Jones is the last of the girls. *sigh* I'm too tired to even talk about her dress. There is too much of her ginormous breasts for that dress. It's a pretty dress, lovely red and gold, perfect for the Chinese New Year. But those bazoombas need their own matching purses, good grief. I guess I wasn't too tired to talk about the dress. She's singing "And I Am Telling You" by Jennifer Holiday and now Jennifer Hudson, so it will be high on the judges' radar. Did she just feel herself up in her hoo-hah region? Was that on purpose? I mean, everything else she's doing on that stage is very well crafted, so I have to think she went for her own hoo-hah on purpose. I mean, there was a dress barrier there, but... whatever. Too tired. Hoo-hah girl is awesome. Different league. She's amazing with her voice and her acting and her bazoombas and hoo-hah and her hair that won't stay out of her mouth no matter how hard she tries to keep it out. Randy says Jennifer Hudson watch out! Yes, she'll watch out from behind her little statuette. He can protect her (if she wins). Paula says hooray! Simon says, to correct someone earlier, let me be haughty for a moment and take away from your moment just a smidge, that's the right note. Lakisha looks uncomfy with that remark but smiles with her Godzilla breasts. Her Godzeasts. King Kongas. Simon says he's tempted to tell 23 people to book their tickets home, because she's in a different league.
Ryan asks the judges between the guys and the girls, how many would you keep? Randy says he'd keep about 4 guys and 8 girls, and that's exactly what Judge Extraordinaire SarahK would have said. Paula says everyone is so beautiful in all the plum fairy land! Oh, and some of you can sleep great tonight. But the rest of you... pick the right song. (If you're here.) Ryan asks Simon the score, and Simon says that there were about 4 good performances tonight and Lakisha has thrown down the gauntlet. Yes, the Gauntlet of Breasts. Cutlet?
Ok, the order...
12 Lakisha Jones*
Prediction: I think Amy is gone for sure. Either Nicole or Alaina will leave with her... hmm. Alaina has that hot girl thing going on (not that Nicole isn't pretty, she is, but Alaina has all that hair). I think Antonella will skate easily. Ok, Amy and Nicole.
On the guy side, oh please let it be A.J. and Rudy, who haven't quite mastered the art of singing in English. But I don't think it will be them. I think it will be Rudy and Paul. The Foot Fungus Freak. Which kind of makes me sad, because I was going to start with my mushroom jokes next week. There's always tomorrow night, I guess.
For the Record: That Murderous Reynolds
There has been a bit of controversy over a post the puppy blender wrote in which he suggested the U.S. government secretly assassinate Iranian nuclear scientists and radical mullahs. One columnist even called on Glenn Reynolds to be fired from the University of Tennessee.
I've just sort of just sat back and watched being so perplexed by it all, but I would like to now go on record as saying I think this is a bunch of manufactured outrage. Of course, I'm for the U.S. government killing foreigners whenever they feel like it, so I'm especially for killing evil foreigners.
Also, if you look at Reynolds' usual writing which all has the subtext of hobo murdering and Satan worship, his post about assassinating Iranians was actually his least evil post in some time. Any reasonable person would agree.
The Ten Plagues Of Paris
Giant swarms of hornets are invading France, and the French are blaming global warming while working up terms of surrender.
Yesterday, there was concern that it may not take long before the Asian hornet makes its way to Britain.
Leave it to the French to overlook the obvious cause of this plague of hornets...
That's right. Jews.
You see, anti-Semitic incidents are on the rise in France, whether they are a result of the Islamification of French society or the rise of extreme nationalist movies that have given rise to demagogue wannabes like Jean Marie Le Pen.
However, French Jews tend not to learn from the mistakes of their ancestors, which your ancestors gladly handed over to the Nazis. Heck, you just planted one in the ground just recently... The Bastard of Bordeaux Papon, I believe.
Shouldn't have sprung him from jail, Pharaoh. That really cheesed us off.
As humiliating as it is to be related to these Cheese-Eating Torah-Reading Tamarins, a lot of them have the blood of the French Resistance in their veins. They've been taught early on that the sound of breaking glass and goose-stepping in the streets needs to be met with heavy gunfire in response, not cowering and praying. But your restrictive gun laws make it kind of hard to defend oneself against organized parties wanting them wiped out (ie The Surite). So this time around they're turning to their faith for a solution.
Hey, why settle for anything less than the Granddaddy of All Regime Ass-Whuppings: The Ten Plagues. They even made a movie about it, although it didn't star Jerry Lewis.
We're still working out the details, though:
If these Nine Plagues Of France don't convince you to lay off the people wearing the doilies on their heads and reading from right to left, well...
Hrm. There's a slight problem with "Death of the Firstborn" because there's a loophole concerning abortions. It seems that God considers that the killing of a child, after all, and French abortion rates are alarmingly high. Even if it is making sure that another Frenchman doesn't come into the world to look down his nose at it.
(You'd think the country was a Tyson chicken processing plant instead of a former Catholic stronghold in Europe.)
My Idol Thoughts
Last night I was out of beer. So I did the next best thing to numb my brain - I watched American Idol.
At this point in the game, I don't have too many favorites, but a few of them stand out enough for me to mention.
Phil Stacey: I know SarahK and some of the other ladies don't like this guy much. Why? Because he went off to the Idol auditions while his wife was busy giving birth to their child. Personally, I don't have a problem with this. At the risk of sounding old-fashioined, I believe that birthing babies is "women's work." I know, I know: A good husband should be there for the birth, and the afterbirth. But given a choice between following my dreams and watching 10 pounds of (Self censored because Ducky is shivering from the memories of the placenta coming out). I would choose American Idol.
Besides, American Idol has everything a delivery room has - The encouraging words, the screaming, the use of heavy drugs. And that's just Paula Abdul.
Phil was a great singer. He started off weird. But then again, so did a lot of the guys. Most American Idol men struggle with the lower registers as many of them are more comfortable singing in the higher registers. What's that called - castrato? I forget.
Phil really brought the song home once he got going. Plus, that bald head reminds me of that Alien guy from the Flintsones. What was his name? Kazoo?
Nick Pedro: Another guy I really liked was Nick Pedro. I love this guy's story. I mean he quit last year for good reasons. I mean, what man wants to get on stage and sing Buttercup. Please. But it tortured him to wonder what his life could have been like. I identifiy with Nick. It's hard to wonder about what could have been. A long time ago, Frank J. offered me the chance to write at IMAO. I always wondered what would have happened had I said yes.
Nick has a great voice. His song sucked and it was boring. Actually, I take it all back. He sucked.
Paul Kim. SarahK noticed the same thing i did. You sing Careless Whisper and you're doing those stupid "yo, check this" gang-hip hop gestures? Why not just pull out a gun. That would be cool.
Paul Kim Singing:
Tonight the girls sing. I like to hear a lot of the lady singers. Ironically, many of them have deeper voices than the men. This should should be interesting.
Yeah, We're Great
I've seen a number of references in the blogosphere to this short ad entitled "A World Without America" by some British group. People seem to like it, but for some reason I find it off-putting. Actually, I guess I feel that way whenever a foreign national heaps gushing praise on America. I don't know why, but I just do.
Post About Clear Movie Titles
Jim Treacher over at The Daily Gut posts a movie trailer for Hobo with a Shotgun, a move about a hobo who obtains a shotgun. While this is a trailer for a fictional movie, I like the idea of movies that state their premise clearly in their title, like Snakes on a Plane. Too many Hollywood people want to get all artsy and poetic with titles when we just want to know what the move is actually about without having to read reviews by pompous movies critics. Were Hobo with a Shotgun an actual movie, it would probably end up with some artsy obscure title like Reynold's Nightmare.
Now, what was the biggest blockbuster of all time? Star Wars. People saw that title and was like, "Hey! I bet that movie has wars in the stars! Let's see that!" and thus history was made. Were the movie to come out today, for the title they'd probably take some obscure line from the movie and try to conflate it to what the entire film is about, like The Fool Who Follows. No one would go see it.
And what's my favorite movie? The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly - and that's exactly what the movie was about. The only way it could be clearer would be to add the subtitle "They're All After Gold!"
Let's look at last weekend: What was the number one movie? Ghost Rider. Seems to be a movie about a ghost who rides; might be interesting. Another movie that came out was Bridge to Terabithia. Wha? Why would I want to see that? All I it sounds like I'll see is some bridge and a place called Terabithia which could be in Europe for all I know. I'll pass, thank you.
Clear titles clearly make better movies. If I made a movie, I'd title it Pirate Pete's Adventures in Pirate Land: A Movie About Pirates. No guesswork needed to know what you'd be getting. So let's try and make some other movies better by giving them clearer titles:
CLEARER MOVIE TITLES
Casablanca -> African Bar with Nazis
Oh Brother, Where Art Thou? -> Fugitive Singing Stars
RashŰmon -> Unreliable Witnesses
Good Will Hunting -> Janitor Math Genius
Reservoir Dogs -> Bank Robber Flashback Fun
Million Dollar Baby -> Girly Boxing Tragedy
The Shawshank Redemption -> The Great Rape Escape
The Silence of the Lambs -> Professor People-Eater
Chinatown -> The Private Eye in the Case of Secret Incestuousness
Sling Blade -> Potato-Eating Killer Man
Jacob's Ladder -> The Wacky Dreams of a Dying Vietnam Vet
Magnolia -> Crazy Interweaving Story Time
Blade Runner -> Killer Android Attack
Gone with the Wind -> Did That Guy Just Swear?!
Brokeback Mountain -> Gay Cowboys in Search of Oscars
Brazil -> Huh? What Was That Crap?
An Inconvenient Truth -> Someone Pay Attention to Me! Please!
What are your favorite clear movie titles and what movies titles do you think could use improving?
Explain This Picture
a) Analogous to the way the evil undead cringe at the sign of the holy cross, the decent and living have a visceral reaction when confronted by the liberal news media.
b) Condi tries out for the 25th Anniversary Celebrity All-Star Thriller Tribute Video.
c) CNN hates black people.
[Pic found at Musings from Brian J. Noggle]
February 20, 2007
American Idol Six - Top 12 Guys
Finally we have arrived at the voting rounds in the Idol studio. Thank goodness. And tonight is a 2-hour Idol. Two hours! The girls tomorrow night, and Thursday night two girls and two guys go home. We wittle them down fast now.
Ryan asks Randy about all the heat he's been taking this season for being so hard on contestants. Randy says he's just being more honest, and Ryan asks if he's just been lying all along. SarahK says yeah, dawg. Yeah. Paula's gonna have to be all more supportive and stuff, uh huh, and more happy seal clappy, yes. Ryan asks Simon if all of the Grammys, #1 hits, plus Jennifer Hudson's Oscar nod put more pressure on the contestants because the show is more valid blah blah blah... Simon says "Yes." Ryan was hoping Simon would expound, so he asks how the contestants should navigate the scary, raging American Idol river of pressure or some equally bad metaphor. Simon says, "Sing well." Yes, I agree, Simon, let's get to it, shall we?
Oh, my insides are all torn up. Y'all don't ever get diseases of the small intestine, ok? Not fun, dawg. Not fun.
After the break, the guys get to share share share their audition memories. Rudy Cardenas says that being a professional musician means eating Ramen noodles & mac & cheese. So not for celiacs, then?
IDOLS 01... Rudy is singing "Free Ride", and the first several bars are completely unintelligible. Completely. In fact, I can't tell what he's singing until he says "come on and take a free ride". After the chorus, I again can't tell what he's singing. It was campy, there was very little charisma, and come on. This is your one shot to show America who you are, and you come out here and sing a boring, overdone song that they play on TV commercials every five minutes? Terrible song choice, no enunciation, an awful bore. Ok, so he blew it. Unless someone else totally tanks, I think he's out.
After the break, Chris Sligh says that tonight is all about the guys looking pretty. Ryan is all, "Ok, you stay over there..." (so I can join you later...) Ryan is so in love.
IDOLS 02... Brandon Rogers is the one who sang backup for Christina and Usher and others, and now he's ready to take the spotlight. Ok, when the lights come up he's already singing, which is weird, and he's singing all slow and low, and I think he's going for a sultry effect, but really I'm just confused yet waiting for something big. Then the tempo picks up, and he is singing "I Wanna Rock with You". He's on pitch the whole song, that's fine. Smooth, velvety voice. Enunciation is way better than that guy who went first (too forgettable to name, and it would require scrolling for me to find the name for you... Well, yes, I do realize I could have scrolled in the time that I typed all this about scrolling, but see my hands and wrists didn't have to move for me to keep typing). Very warm, charming, sexy. Yes, woohoo, but I have to say, I was incredibly underwhelmed by his entire performance. I kept waiting for him to bust out and start belting some notes into the atmosphere. I felt like the song was pitched too low for him. I hope I'm not detecting a Studdardesque laziness in him. Eh, I think he'll stay, but for me it wasn't vote-worthy. He'll be safe on his smile alone, though.
IDOLS 03... Sundance Head was one of the best in his audition, then fell apart in Hollywood week and is hoping to redeem himself tonight. He's singing "Nights in White Satin", and it starts off a little pitchy and shaky, so I'm kinda worried for him. Yeah, it doesn't get much better. He keeps belting, but it just never comes back on track... I almost want to vote for him as a mercy vote. He's having a rough time. Randy says he needs to go back to the bluesy Sundance from the audition, and he is pitchy Dawg. Paula says yeah. Simon says he agrees and doesn't like Sundance tonight, and you can see the pain in his eyes. He has very emotional eyes. I can't take it, I feel my fingers pulling toward the phone for a Sundance vote. He's in danger of going home unless one of the other unremarkables does something unremarkable. LOL, one of the judges had said something about Sundance's arms flailing about while he was singing (it was Simon), and Ryan asks Sundance what he would do differently with his arms next time. Paula, of all people, starts doing the Simon Chicken Breast Rub and rubs her hands all over her upper chest. Ryan joins in. Hahahahaha. I love it. They picked up on it on The Soup a couple of weeks ago, too. One of the best Idol moments this season.
IDOLS 04... Paul Kim, the Foot Fungus Freak. Yeah, I've decided that until he wears shoes, he is a walking athlete's foot machine. We get it, you've shown us your gimmick, whatever. You can spray your tootsies with Lysol and put your flip-flops back on. Anyway, he's singing "Careless Whisper", ok? And he's doing the hip-hop hand motions, right? I'm never gonna dance again... yo... whatup... uh... guilty feet indeed. The up-and-down hand motions do not go with the song. Listen to your words, Triple F. Yaaaawwwwwnnnnn. This is soooo boring. I know why the hand motions, he's rocking himself to sleep... and aaaaaaack!!! What in the world was that? Right in the middle goes up into the worst Ace Young falsetto -- way worse than any Ace ever did -- and completely botches it. Randy says maybe the song is not right. Collagen asks how he feels, which is her way of saying that it sucked, and Simon says that it was 3rd rate and he should put his shoes on. I'm with you, Simon. Oh, and Randy and Paula want the viewers to remember that Triple F is one of the best voices in the competition. Eh, I can do without him and his many fungi.
So far, I feel let down tonight. Who will save this wretched heap of deflating manhood?
Oh dear, Ryan took off his shoes to show his support. Plus, he just got a pedicure, and he says the Triple F definitely needs a pedi.
IDOLS 05... Chris Richardson dresses like Justin Timberlake, looks a little like a cross between K-Fed and JT, so Britney's Dream Ex. Well, here's a much better song choice than the other guys, because I'm not scowling upon hearing the opening. Gavin Degraw's "I Don't Wanna Be". About three bars in, I'm kinda rocking back and forth, watching closely because I'm not sure what to think, and Frank is saying, "It it just me, or is that really bad? Doesn't that sound like me trying to sing it?" And halfway through, I rewind and start it over; I'm too puzzled. I have to listen with my eyes closed. And I think what's happened is that he's been compared to JT enough that he's trying to sing a rockish song with a popish flare to it, you know, do his own thang, dawg, so that they can't judge him on a pop song and compare him to JT apples to apples? Maybe. And I don't know why, but I almost like it. I think I like it for the high notes. Definitely requires eye closure, though. Too much weird gyrating and chicken dancing for my taste. But I don't like it enough to vote for it. Frank thinks it's terrible. Randy says yo yo, the show just started. Not your best vocal. Paula says yummy! Simon says the girls will love you and vote for you, but your vocals sounded small up there. YES, exactly!
IDOLS 06... Nick Pedro is definitely one of the cutest of the guys, not that I think he's cute, but other girls might. He's singing "Now and Forever" by Richard Marx, and in the beginning, he is having a hard time keeping up with the band. He finally gets it together, but it's a little pitchy. The high part is good, but eh. It was pretty blaaaaaaaah. Nice voice, and I want him to stick around, so I hope the little teeny boppers fawn over that hunky smile of his and vote for him. I can't vote for that performance. He'll probably be middle of the pack.
IDOLS 07... Blake Lewis, the beatboxer. I'm glad he said the beatboxing will be used sparingly, because really, save it for special occasions and a song here and there on your album. This is a singing competition. He's singing "Somewhere Only We Know" by Keane. I've never heard the song, and I haven't heard him sing much, so let's to it... Oooooooh. For me, this was a chest-holder. One of those songs where I just put my hand on my chest and didn't move until it was over. That was lovely. I like his voice. Am calling to vote for him right now. Line's busy. Will try again later. Finally, someone stepped up. Good job.
IDOLS 08... Sanjaya Malakar is singing, oh guess whose song Sanjaya is singing? Sanjaya, have you not read in the SarahK Rules of Idol that you are not allowed to sing Stevie Wonder songs? No one is. Nothing good can come of it. Some song about not wanting to bore me and I love you, I love you, I love you, you're boring, you're a lovely little lemondrop candycane. Snoooooooze. Randy says no, dawg. No one can sing Stevie Wonder. Yes, that's why they did a whole Stevie Wonder night last year, Sanjaya -- or was that just to make all my hair fall out? I can't recall. Paula says something about lovely poppies in a field, and Simon agrees with me on the boring but says people will like his hair. They have hair banter, and it's uncomfy talk with Ryan about age until the break. Yes, we get it, he's 17. Big whoop, Leann Rimes was 14 when she yodeled "Blue", so don't talk to me about age.
IDOLS 09... Chris Sligh is up, and he was my favorite coming in, so I hope with all the hope in my heart that he's great tonight. He's funny in his interview, makes fun of wanting to sing "Do I Make You Proud" in the finale. He sings "Typical" by Mute Math. Frank and I thought it was the best of the night. I could have done without the annoying Pink Floydathon they had going on with the lights, but the singing was great. I'll vote for that. Randy likes it, Paula likes it. Simon says that yes, his humor did get him here (referring to his interview), but he felt like he was at a college singing or something, and Ryan wants to know when kids just start randomly singing at college. I knew what Simon meant, like karaoke night in the SUB, but Ryan is talking over the judges when it's not his turn, and Simon starts to hissy... Simon says shut up, and those two girls just start the squabbling. Meanwhile, Chris tries to break the ice and says something like, "I just wanna know, just because I don't sing the types of songs like Il Divo and the Teletubbies..." referring to the men's opera group Simon started and the Teletubbies Christmas album that Simon is responsible for, and hahaha, he researched just in case Simon insulted him so he could fling poo back. Simon says, "You could always play a Teletubby." So Simon is getting ugly with Chris because he's in the middle of his lover's quarrel with Ryanne, whom he has already called "Sweetheart" in their little match. So Chris doesn't get a very constructive judging, because Ryan has cut Simon off, and they're arguing over who has prettier nail polish. Oh Simon, you know Ryan spends hours picking out his nail color, just let him win. Vote for Chris, BTW.
IDOLS 10... Jared Cotter. This is really the first time we're seeing him, so great, clean slate for him. That can be great. And he's singing a stupid, retarded, foot fungus song. "Back at One" by Brian McKnight. Forgettable. Well-sung, but forgettable. Terrible song choice.
IDOLS 11... A.J. Tabaldo. I hear the opening horns of the song and roll my eyes. I'm sorry, didn't we already hear him? Wasn't this the first guy, the one whom I couldn't understand at all? Because he's back. This time singing the safe and boring "All My Love" or something like that, who cares. Goodbye.
NUMBER WITHHELD... Last is the family-abandoning Phil Stacey, who left his wife to have a baby on her own so he could audition for Idol. Wasn't due for another week. Ok, so you just left your 9-months pregnant wife. That's so much better. Why do you feel the need to explain yourself? Do you feel guilty? Because you should. Look how your wife came with you to support you in Hollywood. Like you didn't do when she had your baby. I'm not one to make fun of physical features, so I won't. But I do feel so much negativity for this man who left his 9-months pregnant wife to audition, so I will say this: He should grow some hair or wear the hat like he wore in his audition. And it's nothing to do with the bald head. Oh, and would everyone shut up about Britney's bald head already? Anyway, he sings "I Could Not Ask for More", a song I love. The beginning is shaky and bad at best, but to be honest, that is a hard song to sing. You have to have range to sing it. I can nail the chorus and the coda, but I really struggle with the beginning, because probably most people who hit the chorus with ease are uncomfy with the beginning -- it's too low for us. It's too low for me, anyway. It's barely in my range. /me being nice. He eases into the chorus and does his own thing near the end. I'm more impressed with his performance than I want to be. Vocally, I'd say he's in the top three tonight, even though I want to punch him in his dumb monkey face. No, I wouldn't actually do that, so if his dumb monkey face ends up punched, y'all look at other suspects before me, ok? Randy is like, "You're my hero! Can you also fly and turn invisible?" Paula's like, "Can you melt things with your brain? Better yet, can you make vodka appear out of thin air?" Simon says, "Yeah, it was monstrous in the beginning and good at the end, but it wasn't the best thing since self-healing cheerleaders." He starts name-dropping past Idol contestants.
Ok, the ranking (I only call in votes for the *s):
09 Chris Sligh - 07 Blake Lewis*
Everyone else pretty much did nothing for me.
06 Nick Pedro* - changed my mind. I guess I can vote for it, even though he doesn't deserve it.
I'm so offended by all these guys coming out and playing it safe. This is the first time they get a chance to show off, to prove that they should be the one whose record I'm buying in nine months, and they want to sing a crappy Stevie Wonder song to me? That is so RUDE! Same thing happens every year. I feel like a broken record. You can't win Idol playing it safe, because you're just counting on everyone else screwing up. One person is bound to break out and do something worth voting for, and you'll be left in the dust. But if only one person is breaking out, that makes for tedious television for the 30 million of us watching.
Dog Bites Man; Muslims Are Offended; Americans Want to Win
The Drudge Report has results of a poll showing that Americans want to win in the war in Iraq like that's something surprising. Of course we want to win. That's why we're Americans. By definition we want to win. If we didn't want to win, we wouldn't be Americans. If anyone wants to lose, he should move to Europe (I'd say Canada, but that's too close for a loser to be to America).
I can't see how any of that is controversial.
BTW, I know the phrase "Muslims are offended" isn't as oft used as "Dog bites man" as an example of a non-story, but I was just noticing how you can add that phrase to the end of any news headline and it won't look out of place. E.g.:
* Smith's lover testifies on burial plans; Muslims are offended
* 'Miracle baby' homecoming delayed; Muslims are offended
* Cisco says 77 of its routers open to 'drive-by pharming'; Muslims are offended
Not only does it look in place at the end of any story, it's probably also true.
Q) With all the headlines and breaking news over the court battle to determine who has custody of Anna Nicole Smith's corpse, whipping every branch of the media into celerity news mode madness, what's the one thing that should be buried that nobody's rushing to bury?
A) The story itself.
The War in Iraq: Worse than Vietnam But Not as Bad as the Carter Administration
Not sure what to make of all this data, but I was alerted to it by an e-mail Jonah Goldberg received and posted in The Corner. There's a site that has military statistics including casualties. If you look at data going from 2004 to 1980, the amount of military deaths in each of the past few years were less than that in 1980 (actually, the early eighties were the worst in recent times due to a much higher accident rate).
BTW, if you want to compare Vietnam versus the war in Iraq, here's Vietnam military casualties and casualties from Operation Iraqi Freedom (and here's from Operation Enduring Freedom just because no one ever brings that one up).
And, for historical purposes, here's the official record for all American wars.
Make of it what you will.
People Who Disagree with Me Should Be Rounded Up and Put into Camps
An Editorial by Frank J.
Many people disagree with me. Some of those people even live in this great nation of ours. I call these disagreeable people "liberals." Usually I find these people entertaining for they would walk around and say their crazy things and then I would throw stuff at them (often batteries) and laugh. But, in this time of war, there are more important things than laughing at people and throwing stuff at them. Plus, I need to save the batteries for emergency purposes if terrorists attack. These liberals only get in the way in time of war and make our troops and, more importantly, me angry. The many stupid dumb things they say only make this country worse. So we should round them up and put them into camps.
"Right now they act like they don't want to go to camp, but, by the end of summer, they'll be begging to stay."
You're probably saying, "Frank, you can't just round up everyone who disagrees with you and put them in camps." You are right. I need your help to do this. There are many people who need to be rounded up and they are not very bright and will be easily confused, so getting all these people rounded up will require many people, time, and patience. Plus, we will need trucks or something to bring these people to the camps after the rounding up. Alternatively, we'll need large crates and postage.
"But won't the liberals not like being rounded up and put in camps? Haven't they been whining about that possibility for some time." True, but you know how these people are. Right now they act like they don't want to go to camp, but, by the end of summer, they'll be begging to stay. Which is good because they'll be in camp forever. Also, anyone who tries to escape will be shot in the face as is standard practice.
Camp will be great fun, too. They will have swimming, badminton, and macaroni art. They will also make wallets which you can buy. For those of you who are saying, "But I don't want my money in anything those liberals touched!" that's a bad attitude. Please support the camp because liberals tried hard to make these wallets. One activity in the camp was going to be reeducation, but then I saw how dumb liberals are and decided reeducation would be too hard. Instead of reeducation, there will be a three-legged race.
So where should the camps be? I don't know, as I'm not good with geography. All I know is that I don't want them near me because liberals whine a lot and I don't want to have to hear that when I'm on my back porch smoking a cigar. Also, it could cause my dog to bark. Again, I'm not good with geography, so I'm not sure where not near me is. Someone who has a map should look up where I am and then not put the camps there.
This is a great plan that you should support. In this time of war, other countries will see America united together because everyone who doesn't unite will be in camps. This will scare other countries and their leaders will pee themselves in public venues. The troops will be happy because everyone in America will support them and their mission because, once again, those who don't support them will be in camps. Also, the troops will have new wallets.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as "The Chronicles of Dubya Volume 1: The Defeat of Saddam" and "People Who Disagree with Me Should Be Hit with This Book" which is now available in hardcover edition.
I Just Have to Ask
If the issues behind global warming are scientific and indisputable, then why is the main proponent of combating it a below average student who majored in English and government? I mean, I once owned a barometer, so, by these standards, I'm over-qualified to talk about climatology.
BTW, I should tell you that, if we try to combat climate change, WE WILL ALL DIE! This isn't a political issue; it's a moral one... so don't argue with me or you're immoral.
Soon To Be Eaten By A Very Angry Rottweiler
Senator John McCain recently criticized Donald Rumsfeld's handling of the Iraq War, saying "I think that Donald Rumsfeld will go down in history as one of the worst secretaries of defense in history."
Jimmy Carter's SECDEF Harold Brown was reportedly thrilled at the prospect of having his picture moved up a notch on the Wall of Shame.
So why exactly IS Captain Combover so pissed at Rummy?
I have several theories...:
* Frank J. never wrote an In My World featuring McCain's dog - "Yips: The World's Annoyingest Poodle".
* Unlike McCain, Rumsfeld favors abortions - as late as the 300th trimester for terrorists.
* Amongst his other blunders in Iraq, Rumsfeld gave Iraqis MORE freedom of speech during the 60 days preceeding an election.
* Jealous of Rumsfeld's ability to remove a human spine with one lightning-fast, yet seemingly casual, hand gesture.
* While McCain was filibustering in the Senate, Rumsfeld was filibustering Mrs. McCain.
* Next to Rumsfeld's pile of strangled terrorists, reporters, and Democrats, McCain's pile of strangled Tickle-Me-Elmos just looks kinda sad.
* Thanks to Rumsfeld, McCain's "Gang of 14" has become known as the "Gang of beaten-up lunch-money hander-overers"
* Although "Gang of the wedgied" is becoming the increasingly common term.
* Rumsfeld kept popping out of random closets and yelling "Torture!", just to watch McCain flinch.
* A little miffed about Rumsfeld's plan to invade Arizona and steal its illegal immigrants.
* Two words: Hairline Envy
Any other possibilities?
With Our Nation's Socialists In Charge...
With the Democrats in charge of the the congress I was worried about some serious stuff.
I was worried they'd try to cut and run out of Iraq.
But at least now with the democrats in charge, and if Barbara Boxer has her say, the planes will run on time.
February 19, 2007
Top Ten Reasons Why Britney Shaved Her Head
10: She forgot the number for 911.
9. No one had taken her photo in two and half seconds.
8. Someone told her white was the new black.She thought they meant supremacists.
7. Felt like she was missing out on stuff, y'know LIFE. Life as a bald person.
6. K-Fed was the one that always picked out the bowl.
5. Tired of everyone calling her a dumb blond.
4 Figured no one would notice her kewl new neck tattoo if it was covered up with stupid hair stuff.
3. For a million dollars.
2. So she could get beamed up on the spaceship that's following the comet.
1. Remembered to stop at her waist. Forgot which end to start on.
Now that the war in Iraq is the worst thing ever in the history of everything--including all actual events plus anything conceived in fiction (it's worst than the destruction of Alderaan!)--what will happen if the war expands into Iran?
It will be even more worst!
I've just received an email requesting that I post the Pajamas Media Straw Poll widget to determine your choice for the 2008 election, so here goes:
Oh, and the "Tech Lair" on that site has absolutely nothing to do with me.
But if I were some kind of Mega Man videogame character, well, yes I'd be the Tech Lair and my weapon would be a laser-cannon arm.
POW! POW! POW! Take that, Doctor Wily!
The Iraq War Is the Worst Thing Ever in the History of Everything
Harry Reid has declared Iraq the "worst foreign policy mistake in the history of this country." He says he'll pass a non-binding resolution saying as much... or go masturbate in his office which is basically an equivalent action. Now, I always thought our worst foreign policy mistake was not eradicating Italy when we had the chance. Even now, Italy plots against us. Who knows what evil thoughts Italians have going on under those greasy heads of hair?
But I digress. The point here is that Democrat rhetoric has gone from "Iraq is Vietnam" to "Iraq is Vietnam times two!" So how long until hyperbole increases to the point that the war in Iraq becomes worse than the Holocaust? Well, I'm thinking sometime before the 2008 elections we'll hear Democrats say, "If I had to choose between stopping the Iraq war or stopping all Jews from being eradicated, I think the choice is obvious." President Bush will decry such language, but he's worse than Satan.
IMAO is New Daylight Savings Time Compliant! (we think)
For those of you worrying about the New Daylight Savings Time plot by Communists, Bill Gates, and Best Buy to get you to buy new compliant software and consumer goods because DST has been moved up to March 11th in the US, relax - IMAO is fully New DST-compliant.
I mean, Spacemonkey just installed all the patches and handed us pills to swallow on March 10th, the night before the New DST takes effect. And we've got years of supplies and ammunition stockpiled in Harvey's basement in case civilization collapses all around us.
What could possibly go wrong?
A Scientifical Humor Analysis of The 1/2Hour News Hour
Many of you may be unfamiliar with scientifical* humor analysis. While I won't go over all of general humor theory, here are two fundamental rules of humor:
1. The evolutionary purpose of humor is to enforce social structure by ridiculing undesired behavior. This is best observed in the good feeling of being in a group laughing versus the bad feeling of being laughed at by a group.
2. All humor is ridiculing undesired human behavior. Thus, animals are only funny so much as we can project human characteristic onto them.
Already, you can see why a show that ridicules liberals would have an advantage among conservatives, because, to them, liberalism is essentially an undesired behavior to be corrected through ridicule. This is also why liberals don't consider conservatives to be funny since liberals are often the ones laughed at, and being laughed at causes the opposite sensation of laughing with a group.
Measuring the level of humor of a joke is tricky as who the joke is being told to has a large effect on the humor perceptions of the joke. Not only do the joke recipients own prejudices and beliefs about human behavior have to be factored in, but so does that person's affinity for the joke teller and other joke recipients who may or may not be laughing at the joke.
Ignoring most societal factors (for this show, we're going to assume the joke recipient is watching the TV alone and has no special affinity for the fake new anchors since they are unknown actors), how funny a joke is comes down to the level of brain activation in comprehending the joke within approximately a quarter second of the joke telling. This comprehension can be do to the cleverness of a joke or processing it ridiculousness (for instance, seeing someone hit in the face with a pie if you have never seen such a thing before). I say approximately a quarter second because this space of humor activation--the cumulation period--varies from person to person, but this short time period is the sweet spot of humor. The more activation in the cumulation period, the more the humor area of the brain is activated. After this time period, the initial brain activity when the joke was first told will have died down and will not be compensated by the new activity. That's why if a joke takes too long to comprehend, humor is lost. This ignores the delayed humor reaction in which, due to confusion, the cumulation period happens well after the joke was told. The reason brain activation is translated to humor is because, when a certain amount of brain activity is caused by another's words, this is interpreted by the brain as showing that your thoughts are similar to that of the joke teller. Because of the social nature of humor, a perception of a similarity of beliefs and intelligence is most important.
For example, take this joke:
A woman orders a pizza. The pizza chef asks the woman if she wants it cut into six or eight slices and she replies, "Six slices. I couldn't possibly eat eight."
For a child who just learned the principle of the conservation of matter, this involves a large amount of brain activation and is perceived as quite funny. For most adults, the brain activation in comprehending the joke is low which causes most laymen to label the joke as "cheesy."
Here comes the problem in marketing humor to a large audience. While its easy to find jokes that cause a low level of activation in most people, a certain joke will only cause high levels of activation in a very specific group. By going for the funniest jokes for a certain audience, other audiences will be confounded or bored.
Jokes are rated on the Fleming Brain Activation Scale which ranges from zero to ten. The extremes are both theoretical as comprehending any joke takes some brain activation thus making a zero impossible to obtain. Also, a high amount of brain activity in a short amount of time would activate a self-defense mechanism that would shut down the brain. Thus, before a level ten could be reached, the joke recipient would black out and forget the joke due to short term loss quite similar to be being knocked out with a tire iron.
Focusing only on brain activation misses two important factors, though: Approval and disapproval. If one already as a dislike of the joke teller or the subject causes offense, this can keep the humor area of the brain from activation despite high activity within the cumulation period. This is why liberals seem immune to clever jokes from conservatives. On the other hand, if there is already high approval of the joke teller or the joke is aimed at something highly disapproved, then humor activation takes less brain activity within the cumulation period. This is commonly known as the "girlfriend effect" seen when a girl laughs at all the jokes of a new boy friend. She is essentially submitting to his views on human behavior as is common in the mating process. This is also seen when liberals laugh at "BusHitler" jokes that don't seem to be clever at all. Contrary to popular opinion, this isn't forced laughter as the end humor activation is exactly the same as that which would be obtained through humor activation obtained solely through stimulation of brain activity within the cumulation period.
Now, with that explained, we can move on to analyzing The 1/2 Hour News Hour.
First, we need to decided on who we are using as a representative target of the humor. My own humor would be a bad match as my high intellect makes me quite different than the average viewer. Instead, knowing this is aimed at FOX News viewers, we need to look at what is average for that. The problem is there are essentially two types. There are the conservative bloggers like us who are of above average intelligence, have a high understanding of politics, are hip to new trends in society, and, above all, are unbearably pretentious. On the other hand, there is the FOX News viewer who screams at the TV every time Hillary Clinton appears on screen and wonders why Sean Hannity doesn't shout more.
Let's simply use as our baseline someone who is an average between the two.
First, there was the segment with Limbaugh as president. Assuming the viewer is a Limbaugh fan, this portion would be considered quite funny even if not particularly clever. The most clever part was the secretary being named Rosemary, but even the canned laughter didn't get that joke. The line about the Sheehan shooting spree would be the funniest since Sheehan is quite disapproved of by the theoretical viewer who would laugh simply to finally see a joke about her on TV.
The next major jokes (I'm ignoring pacing jokes which are weak jokes meant to keep someone laughing who already was laughing but would miss activation levels in isolation) were about Hillary Clinton. Despite newer liberal subjects of high disapproval, Hillary is still high disliked by our theoretical viewer and thus jokes about her would have to be quite bad to not be considered funny. The first joke about her hiring a diverse group of angry lesbians would hit the mark quite well as it plays on the strongest perceptions about Hillary. The "4.99 a minute; 2.99 for each additional minute" joke about Hillary wanting a conversation has a low activation and doesn't play up the main negative perceptions about Hillary, but our theoretical viewer would laugh because of the humor of the previous joke had kept the humor area of the brain activated.
The joke about the denial of the Holocaust denial conference would be the funniest joke of the night for our theoretical viewer. The brain activation in linking the rhetoric of the denial of the conference to what the viewer knows of Holocaust denial rhetoric involves high brain activation within the confines of the cumulation period. This is coupled with the strong disapproval of the subject being ridiculed: Iran and anti-Semites.
There were then a few more jokes of basic brain activation ridiculing subjects of high disapproval which by the viewer would be considered "somewhat funny." The segment about the liberal books fell flat, though. While liberals values are highly disapproved, the book titles were not clever enough to cause enough brain activation to exceed the low hurdle.
The ACLU joke ad would have been considered funny because our viewers hates the ACLU. In this situation, almost no joke was needed for laughter, only the perception of ridicule aimed at the ACLU.
Later, there were a couple so-so jokes aimed at the daughter of Saddam Hussein, Suzanne Somers, and Time magazine firing people that would not have caused significant humor activation with the viewer (I should note that Ducky handled the Time magazine layoffs with a joke that was much better at stimulation of brain activity). The joke about Nigerians using a spam type scam to get debt relief was a good combination of brain activity (matching the rhetoric in their scheme with known spam e-mails) and ridiculing a subject disapproved of (spammers).
The segment about Obama (which was previewed on the blogosphere) would hit better with our theoretical viewer than the elitist bloggers. Most of the jokes were aimed at Obama's unearned popularity, a subject that had been bothering our viewer. Much ado had been made about the immaturity of the joke of the magazine being named "BO," but this was pacing humor in this context and not the main humor and would have gotten a laugh from our viewer.
The joke about Ed Begley Hr. not having enough charge for his car and then filling it up with his own human waste would be a hit with our viewer because he hates Begley and considers electric cars to be gay.
The t-shirt segment was an odd thing. Our viewer hates Che t-shirts, but many of the jokes on these shirts required explanations. Usually, explanations ruin jokes, but some shirts, like the Kim Jong Il "No fat chicks" shirt was funny if understood. Still, the explanations were handled ineptly and thus brain activation hurdles were not met making this segment fall flat.
The fake ad for celebrities looking for new causes was a guaranteed hit even without being clever since our viewer hates celebrities and all their stupid causes.
The six-degrees of global warming segment worked for our viewer as his perception is that global warming advocates use arguments that involve ridiculous leaps of logic and this joke played to that. Processing the ridiculousness of the explanations succeeded in causing enough brain activation for humor in our viewer making this segment "funny."
The second ACLU fake ad was also funny to our viewer because of his hate of the ACLU and crack smoking pregnant women.
The final joke about Ed Begley Jr. being raped in prison would be unfunny to many people since the subject is offensive, but it was funny to our theoretical viewer who does believe Begley deserves to be gang-raped for driving an electric car.
So, was the show funny overall? This becomes a questions of whether our theoretical viewer, upon looking back at the show, feels that a bond was made with his intellect and beliefs. This is a hard calculation to make as each joke has to be rated and the time between the jokes factored in. One really funny joke can make an entire half hour show be considered funny while some quite funny jokes surrounded by duds would leave the perception of the show being overall unfunny. in this scientifical analysis, the viewer did have enough humor activation that, upon looking back on the show, he would declare it "funny" but not "hilarious" as no strong bond was made. This means the viewer will probably watch again, but will not go too far out of his way to do so.
My recommendations: Since the show can fit in many jokes, aim some at a more specific crowd (like the prejudices of us bloggers) while keep the majority at the safer, mass-market level. To build an audience, "hilarious" needs to be the goal, even though such jokes would turn off or fall flat to a majority of viewers.
Also, there were no jokes about liberals and the war. I assume this is because these pilot episodes were filmed a week or longer before airing keeping the jokes away from situations that are in flux such as Iraq, but hopefully this will be corrected in the future. Conservatives really hate the cowardice of liberals on the subject of terrorism and strongly desire their lack of testicles being made an issue of ridicule.
So, what did you think? Remember: Questioning my scientifical analysis only make you look foolish and dumb to the issue of science. I would then ridicule you and all of the scientific community would point and laugh. Science proves you would not like that.
* Laymen may be confused with the use of the word "scientifical." While it essentially has the same meaning as "scientific," "scientifical" is the preferred term within the scientific community. Within the scientific community, the word "scientific" is used exclusively for the phrase "scientific community."
Proving my analysis, liberals did not find the show funny.
Also, if you missed the show, some clips are here.
February 18, 2007
1/2 Hour News Hour Quick React
Found it as funny as SNL Weekend Update (well, back when I used to watch SNL), but not funnier despite being tailored to my own biases.
So, not a train wreck, but plenty of room for improvement. Scientifical analyis tomorrow. Right now, I watch Battlestar Gallactica which is consistently hilarious.
Allahpundit of Hot Air has clips and his review.
Environmental Tip Of The Day
Just in case things weren't too insane in the world, let's check in on India:
Police announced they uncovered a plastic bag stuffed with the skeletal remains of at least six newborns Sunday after searching the grounds of a Christian missionary hospital in the central Indian town of Ratlam.
Don't they know that using paper is better for the environment?
Tonight and Tomorrow
Tonight at 10pm ET on FOX News is The 1/2Hour News Hour show. Tomorrow I'll have a scientifical analysis of whether or not it was funny as I think I'm the only one schooled enough in the science of humor to do such an analysis. This analysis will be objective and indisputable and thus should be the final word on whether The 1/2Hour News Hour will be a boon or bane to the perceptions of conservative comedy. So tune into FOX News tonight for possible comedy and to IMAO tomorrow for assured navel gazing.
February 17, 2007
February 16, 2007
The Democrats who are too impotent and cowardly to do something substantive like stopping funding of the war so instead they settled on attacking the troops morale by passing a non-binding resolution in the House (well, two whole Democrats voted against it, while seventeen Republicans voted for it). They basically told the troops, "Nah! Nah! You're risking your lives and getting shot at for nothing! Nah! Nah!"
This is what I pay taxes for?
Now I've realized a truth: I hate the Democrats. I know Jesus says I shouldn't hate people, like I should love the Democrats but hate their Democratting - ya know, the pissant, cowardly, borderline treasonous stuff they do. But right now I hate them.
Eh... maybe I'll feel better tomorrow...
I agree with Captain Ed; those who voted for this resolution aren't traitors... they're just functionally the same as traitors but without the intent.
How exactly does one plead insanity under Sharia Law?
Steve Martin's classic "Hostages" routine:
I finally got something that I wanted, something that I didn't have. I saw on TV people having these things, and so many people had them and I thought, Āehey, IĀfd like to take some hostages too! So i took some, stuck them in a sack and now they'fre out on the flagpole, and IĀ'm going to blow them up at midnight.
The letter "X" soon may be banned in Saudi Arabia because it resembles the mother of all banned religious symbols in the oil kingdom: the cross.
Here's the 64,000 Riyal question: How exactly do you cross out an X? It's not like you can just X it out, because you end up with an even bigger X.
Or as my friend Uncle Guido says, "In Riyadh, they play Tic Tac Toe with real toes."
What is Mahmoud Abbas Praying For? #24
It's Friday, so it's time for the wire services to post the non sequitur non-news story of Mahmoud Abbas praying at a mosque.
However, this week's different... this week we're going to start a new feature called:
So, from Mahmoud Abbas' expressions, can you tell what Mahmoud Abbas is praying for?
a) Why is there carpeting in this mosque? Why can't there be carpeting in the Ramallah mosque he uses all the time?
b) There's a dog food that makes its own gravy? Since when? And what does it taste like?
c) Leo Laporte to stop calling him about starting a daily podcast.
d) A DNA sample from Anna Nicole Smith. Or, failing that, to lea- [ed- STOP IT!]
e) The Jews to strike oil during their attempts to destroy the Al-Aqsa mosque so there's at least something worth killing them all over besides rocks and dirt.
f) NONE OF THE ABOVE
Put your guesses in the comments.
Friday Catblogging Returns!
Since it's Friday, I thought I'd spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka "I-MEOW").
My Sony P-52 digital camera died, so I was without a still camera for weeks... until... my beloved Valentine gave to me a Canon PowerShot SD800IS Digital Elph.
It's so much nicer than flowers... and it's the gift that keeps on giving! (Okay, I gave her flowers and a Franklin's worth of random bath stuff from the local Pier One clone... I suck)
Anyway, it's time for Nardo the Flippykitty:
If you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Nardo is... um...
Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.
The six catcams are on during the day, every weekday.
Friday Ark #126 is at The Modulator.
WHAT REALLY HAPPENED
Nardo flips and flops on the bed when you say FLIPPY KITTY! over and over.
He'll stop to yawn every minute or so.
I was testing the Pets and Kids mode vs. Auto Mode and Portrait Mode.
Auto gets blurry if he gets too insense in his flipping.
Oh, and the movie mode is great on this thing. Image stabilization rocks.
February 15, 2007
A Common Cause with the Nutroots
At Daily Kos, they found a soldier who wants his funding cut. He argues of all the advantages and then puts up a poll for the Kwazy Kos Kids who have been doing the secular version of praying for failure for years. Guess what the results are? Over 90% are for defunding the war.
I think the Democrats should listen to them.
As you all know, only the Sith and rightwingers speak in absolutes, and thus I'm for either fighting the war full-bore or totally giving up. Kill or don't kill; there is no peacekeeping. The worst thing is this morass where everyone has given up on winning but are too cowardly to end things. Giuliani recently talked about the gutlessness of a non-binding resolution and urged those who believed so to actually propose defunding the war.
So here are where we should join with the nutroots: We should work together together to force Congress to debate and then vote on defunding the war. The choice has to be fight or don't fight; let's stop trying to find some non-existent middle ground. If the public rallies behind one or the other, at least we have an answer on where we stand. I think activists on both sides can agree that this is the debate we need going into the 2008 presidential elections, so let's find a way to make it happen.
Ask Dr. Duck. The Answers.
Who said I never have any of the answers.
Besides all of you.
Dr. Duck is here once again to provide aid and comfort to all the faithful IMAO readers. Yesterday, I asked you for questions on relationships. Relationships and love and understanding: these are the things that I know best.
Are you ever going to restore the trust of your loyal readers by answering the OTHER Dr. Ducky questions? If not why not?
The reason I didnít answer those questions is that they were too sweet and tender. I felt that by answering them I would have taken away from their sincerity and beauty.
Trust. Loyalty. These are good things. Not as good as money. If I did answer some of those old questions would readers buy Frank Jís new book?
Maybe. Iíll consider going back and answering those questions, unless theyíre stupid and irritating. Which they almost always are.
Ever since, the heart has become the organ of choice to express love as the heart filters out impurities in the system although occasionally you can get heart stones. Which are painful to pass.
If I am a guy, and my girlfriend is a girl and she makes more money than I, would it be wrong to ask her to pay for dinner tonight? Wouldn't the fact that she makes more money than I mitigate my manhood, making her more of the man and I less of it?
Whenever a man makes less money than his woman, it seems that it elicits snickers.
Not the laughter Ė the candy bar.
Because youíre gay.
Iím sorry. Women make a lot less money than men, thatís why itís always a good idea to hire them (that and theyíre usually easy on the eyes.) By making less than a woman, you are less of a man. I know thatís old fashioned but there you have it.
So you have two options. You can sit on the couch crying, eating cream while watching Brokeback Mountain Ė or Ė you can go out there and make more money. If thatís too much, then try getting her fired.
By the way, she should pay for dinner. Itís traditional. The man pays.
My girlfriend has this really annoying habit of asking me to do something later in the day (asking at 10am for something that needs to be done at 8pm for example) and then throughout the day keeps reminding me about it. This is really annoying because she has already told me once, I have a good memory, and I usually have no problem doing what she asked, is there a way you would recommend getting her to stop telling me the same thing over and over and just to tell me once?
This is a Men Are From Earth moment. The reality is that women communicate by nagging. Men communicate by grunting and high fives. This is the natural order of things and it's wrong to try to disturb it. Whenever a woman n ags me, I try to compensate for it by imagining her naked. If she's fat, try thinking of Scarlett Johannsen or some other Hollywood Hottie.
Ducky, do you form a new relationship each season after you fly north. What about the extra two wives, did you loose them to predation or a couple of tough duck hunting seasons. What about molting, has that ever been an issue.
Itís not you. Itís just that your questions are so weird. Even by IMAO standards. But youíre a good kid. Hereís a nickel.
Sometimes, the easiest thing is to make her dump YOU. My recommendation: During a very passionate moment, call her ďEduardo.Ē Sheíll take it from there.
Is a Vacuum Cleaner a good or bad gift for your wife on Valentines Day?
Vacuum cleaners are a tricky gift to a woman. What youíre saying is that sheís only good for cleaning. This is a bad message.
I suggest you give her a vacuum AND a frying pan.
Make sure you buy them at the same time. One time, I thought I got drunk and thought I was buying Playboy. I woke up hung over do discover that it wasnít Playboy it was..um. Letís just say there were Snickers wrappers involved.
How many times was I a baby?
After much research and several millions in grants, science has come up with an answer to that.
This decision was nearly unanimous except for the 55% of scientists who said "Two" because of global warming.
Lois and Clark is on its third season?
I can see how getting a vacuum would suck.
Get it? Suck. HAHAHAHAHAHa.
I kill me.
Yeah!!!!! A spanking, A spanking.
Hurray. Iíve helped another couple find happiness. I love being a doctor
Thanks to all who participated. Remember, IMAO is the home of really bad humor. The Dr. Duck segment is your chance to be a part of that.
Right-Wing Hatemongerer Joins Duncan Hunter Campaign
John Hawkins, best know for hate-filled, obscenity laced rants on his blog Right Wing News, has joined the Duncan Hunter campaign. This after John Hawkins wrote a scathing article about Duncan Hunter in which Hawkins said such things as:
"...Hunter won't get traction..."
Has this blogger been paid off to tone down his rhetoric? Obviously. If you check the Right Wing News archives, you'll notice all his vulgar rants about interest rates aren't there anymore and have been replaced with pictures of his dog Patton. But we can't let presidential campaigns get away with hiring hate-filled bloggers. John Hawkins is nothing but a raunchy bigot - he's the Amanda Marcotte of the blogosphere - and he must be stopped. He even has linked approvingly to the known hate site IMAO which has on numerous occasions called for the extermination of all Muslims (BTW, know who should be exterminated? All Muslims).
Duncan Hunter should know that if he doesn't disavow John Hawkins and IMAO, I have a pretty vicious rant and an important action alert lined up. That's right: Not just an action alert, but an important one. If it's let loose, Hunter's presidential ambitions will be over before they've even started.
Will FOX News Kill Conservative Humor?
FOX News will be showing this Sunday at 10pm the Half Hour News Hour made by 24 creator Joel Surnow that's supposed to be the conservative answer to Daily Show. So, there is going to be a show out front and center saying, "This is conservative humor!" and, from brief glimpses so far, it looks like it's going to suck (check out the awful promo here and here is Ace on what looks wrong with the show and a new clip with Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter here).
You've seen the liberal trolls who assert that conservatives don't know humor. If this is bad as many think it will be, this will be the proof that conservatives are lame and no network will take a chance on a conservative comedy show ever again.
But I don't care. It's not like I'm trying to break into the TV industry. I'm actually trying to write science fiction. Books are where the future is; after the internet, TV, and radio fads finally die out, everyone will be going back to books.
Anyway, maybe it won't suck... but it doesn't really have to be good either. Considering all the complaints about the left-wing tilt of other late night shows, I think mediocre is all the Half Hour News Hour needs to aim for. And, even if it is a train derailing as it hits the Hindenburg, I don't fear long lasting effects for conservative humorists such as myself. The biggest risk is to tarnish FOX News when the "Fair and Balanced" network has a show dedicated to making fun of liberals. That's kinda ruins their plausible deniability of their bias that at least every other news channel maintains.
Anyway, I'll give you an objective comedic analysis of the show after it premieres on Sunday... something you won't get anywhere else because, frankly, no one else is smart enough or understands the science of humor like I do. One of these days I need to get to writing that thesis paper on humor...
IMAO FUN ACTIVITY: BTW, I found two parts of the clip with Limbaugh and Ann Coulter funny. If you can correctly identify which two things made me chuckle, you'll win IMAO bonus points redeemable for IMAO prizes!
Iowahawk weighs in with a rave review.
February 14, 2007
American Idol -- Cut to 24 -- Dun Dun Dunnnnn
So here we go. They don't actually have any singing competitions to get from the cut to 40 that they did last night to the cut to 24 that they're doing tonight. It's just something so the 40 kids can get really excited and think they made it, but then for 16 of them, the judges say, "Oh no, not you. Sorry to get you all lathered up for your deluxe pedicure just to tell you that you don't even get a basic foot rub."
Sanjaya Malakar. Of course, we know he's going through. He's a great voice. Could stand to eat a sandwich, because half of him is split off into his twin sister, but sings well whether he throws up all his meals or not. I kid; no, I'm not starting a rumor that he's bulimic, I'm just making a joke that he's skinny, give the poor kid a break. I'm just envious, come on! I'd kill for that fluffy hair, too! Anyway, he's in.
Anna Kearns is the girl who says she's 6'13" with heels or something, and I don't think she's going to Hollywood. And I'm right, she's out.
Bernard Williams is someone I've never even seen, so I'm thinking he's out. Yes, he's out. Someone named Eric Davis is out. All of the contestants who are left are pretending to be sad when the contestants get eliminated, but really in their minds they're saying, hey, that's one more slot that's open for me!
Oh, that makes me sad. Tami Gosnell is out. She's the pedicab driver from what, San Francisco? Auditioned in Memphis or something? I don't quite remember, but she was soulful, modest, original, I thought she was one of the better auditions, and definitely one of the better girls. Maybe she didn't undress enough for the show. Shame on AI. I think I would have voted for her often.
Frank and I are wondering about the opera girl, Rachel Zevita, from New York. She was an early favorite of ours, and we haven't heard anything of her since her audition. Nothing in Hollywood week that I remember. Her myspace page hasn't been updated (Frank googled her, no, I'm not stalking her, so shut UP!).
Melinda Doolittle, the backup singer, is staying for the voting. Simon has very nice things to say to her and tells her it was unanimous, and she's earned her spot at the front of the stage. Hugs and kisses all around. Mwah!
Brandon Rogers, the other backup singer, comes in, and they show his Hollywood week stuff. He is singing that Bryan Adams song about really loving a woman. Um, please keep him. Pleeeeeeeeeeeease. Yay! They're keeping him!
The contestants so far seem more mature this year than last year. The ones they're letting through, anyway. I mean voices, not necessarily attitudes. Or whatever. I'm judging before the first commercial break. Shut up SarahK. Shut UP!
Gina Glocksen made it through. They showed her singing in Hollywood week, and she was so good. I'm very happy she's in. Simon is smiling as she's running out the door holding her high heels. Fantastic. Congratulations.
Jimmy McNeal and Errick Johnson are out.
Haley Scarnato is in. She didn't bother to dress up for the occasion. Most everyone else is dressed to impressed.
Philip Stacy. He's that bast**d who missed his daughter's birth to audition. If I hadn't remembered that, I would really have wanted him to go through, because wow, I like his voice. But his priorities are all wrong, so I'm not a fan. He's in the top 24. Woo frakkin hoo. I'm sure his neglected baby will be happy for him.
Frank is so envious that the contestants got to see the Simpsons movie.
Chris Sligh walks in and says to the judges, "You guys are probably wondering why I called this meeting today." Frank and I are laughing. We think he is actually hilarious. Not one of those contestants who thinks he's funny but falls flat. Chris is genuinely funny. Every time he speaks, we laugh. So we want him to stick around. Oh yeah, there's also the singing. He's great at that, too. We're fans. Yay for Chris! I don't know what Simon's talking about with that "you're not one of the better singers." I differ. No begging. I just differ. Off you go, Simon. Anyway, he's in.
Blake Lewis, the beatboxer who brings the 'NSYNC factor to AI this year. He's through. They haven't showed much of his singing. I wish they would.
Thomas Lowe is out. Didn't I read something about him? I don't remember what.
Rudy Cardenas. They show him singing in Hollywood week, and I'd actually be ok with him staying. Nice high notes. And he stays.
Paul Kim insists on going barefoot every time he appears on the show. Oh good. We need someone pregnant in the AI kitchen. Fantastic. Also, he'll always wear his lucky American Idol "draw'rs". Whatever. Phony. ::eye roll:: He's in the final 24. I am not crazy about the voice. Or the toenails for that matter. Moving on.
Jordan Sparks. They show her singing in Hollywood week, and she sounds great to me. She's through to 24.
Olivia Quiba-Hurst and Tatiana McConnico are out. I kinda wanted Tatiana to go through just because I love her name. It's all to do with my favorite author.
A.J. Tabaldo is through, but I sure hope he learns how to sing in Ingles before the voting starts, or I'll have to learn how to dial in Espanol. Or I can just not vote for him.
Stephanie Edwards is in. Never heard of her.
Hershey's All Natural Extra Dark Pure Mint Dark Chocolates are yummy. /product endorsement
Leslie Hunt is in. Judging by her Hollywood week singing, I'd have preferred Tami Gosnell.
Nick Pedro, who is all kinds of sexy (for the single ladies, of course -- I wouldn't know, because only Frank is sexy to me), is through. I'm glad of it.
Alaina Alexander sounds like she has potential. But she needs work. Randy's really drawing it out, which means she's in. And she's in. They're so predictable.
Y'all, Minerva is so funny. She jumped up on top of Rowdi's crate and then started hissing and spitting at Rowdi through the afghan that's on top of the crate. Rowdi's so tired from going to the dog spa today that she was just like, "What the --? Ma, I just want to sleep. Can you just deal with this for me? I'm going back to sleep. Thanks." And she grunted and rolled over. /Fleming house commentary
Chris Richardson has a Justin Timberlake in early 'NSYNC days sound to his voice. Frank thinks he looks like K-Fed. That is uncalled-for. Oh I do love my Homedics Shiatsu Massaging Back Cushion. It rocks. That Chris Richardson fella is in.
Sabrina Sloan. I can tell from her H-week singing that she's in. Simon tells her they've decided "not... to exclude" her.
Jerome Chism is out. Joelle James is out. Matt Buckstein the cowboy is out. I figured if he got this far, he'd make it. Princess Johnson is out.
Lakisha Jones. Wow, she's dynamic. And she's in.
Nicole Tranquillo is in. She's interesting.
Jared Cotter is in. His Hollywood week singing didn't sound that great to me. Good, not great.
Amy Krebs. Never seen her before. She sounds good. She's in.
Last two guys, last two girls. They have to face off. Marisa Rhodes vs. Antonella Barba (BFF#2).
They wish each other luck on the elevator, of course, because the cameras are rolling. From everything I've heard, they both should have gone through, and there are several girls I would have picked off whose place Marisa should have taken. I think the judges missed the mark on her. Maybe there's some behind the scenes drama we don't know about, but hmm. They baffled me here. I don't think that Antonella and Marisa should have been the last two girls standing. They should both be in. Hmm.
Last two guys. They could just spare us the drama, because we all know that Sundance is going through to the top 24. No brainer. Tommy Daniels is the other one. He was from the Seattle auditions and had lovely tone. Sundance was all over the place in Hollywood week, and the judges are going to put him through to the top 24 based on his very first audition. Honestly, I think Soulpatch Sundance has a great voice but probably should have been cut when he could never remember his words. But I guess the judges are going on the talent that they know is there, even though Soulpatch Head has a major nerves issue.
Wow, not a single blonde in the top 12 girls. For some reason, I'm feeling remarkably relieved about that. I wonder why.
ACTION ALERT: Kill! Kill! Kill!
ACTION ALERT! ACTION ALERT!
These times demand decisive action. Stop what you're doing and kill something. Whether it's a plant, a bug, a hobo, a Unix process, or a blade of grass, kill something now.
Show them our power and watch them tremble in fear!
END ACTION ALERT
He Shoots Malaise from His Fingertips!
Reader Christopher met a photoshop request for me:
"Take that, you wascally wabbit!"
BTW, not that many people have participated in the GOP Straw Poll this week. You can vote in it every week and just need to click on the box on the left sidebar. Go vote before I start looking like a chump to the rest of Pajamas Media.
The Horrible Truth About The SLC Mall Massacre.
Well, if you haven't gone to Little Green Footballs yet, you're probably unaware of the horrible truth about the Salt Lake City Mall Massacre
The Mainstream Media are suppressing this information, and even Wikipedia's article on Sulejman Talovic is ripe with head-in-the-sand dhimmitude on the one bit of information you need to know to put it all into perspective...
You see, this was yet another viral marketing promotion by Cartoon Network that went terribly, terribly wrong.
Each of the bullets that Sulejman Talovic fired at the crowd was engraded with the "Moonite" logo.
By randomly firing them into the crowd of shoppers, the goal was to spread the word about the new season of Aqua Teen Hunger Force.
Not only would this "high-impact marketing incident" generate headlines among those at the mall, but the news media would amplify the publicity across the world, attracting viewership to the show.
First, it was fake bombs strapped to bridges.
There's nothing funny about this, Cartoon Network. Shame on you!
Shame on you for terrorizing a community with your marketing antics and bloodthirsty quest for publicity at the expense of human suffering!
(Okay, well that, and the fact that the guy was a Muslim and a member of the same cult that NC hit-and-run guy was in.... but Cartoon Network is to blame!)
In My World: The Not That Odd Couple
"The Democrats and the terrorists have never agreed on anything," Representative John Murtha told the press, "Well, we both think that the Iraq war was a mistake, we oppose America acting unilaterally, we hate President Bush and everything he stands for, and we use troop deaths as an indication that our views are correct - but other than all that, we Democrats and the terrorists are complete opposites on everything. That is until today when we've come together to oppose Bush's new troop escalation."
"Bush is an infidel and a joooo!" the terrorist next to Murtha shouted.
Murtha chuckled. "Exactly. That why the terrorists and I have come up with a plan to finally end the war in Iraq. I call it the 'slow-bleed' strategy. At home, we Democrats will use our legislative powers to limit the number of troops available for Bush's war. In Iraq, the terrorists will use their guns and bombs to also limit the number of troops available. Together, we'll make sure that eventually there will be no troops in Iraq."
The press was stunned silent. One reporter finally said, "Uh... I'm from the New York Times, and even I think that might be treason."
"Treasonous like a fox!" Murtha said.
"New York is full of joooos!" the terrorist added.
Another reporter stepped forward. "I'm Melinda Hawkish from FOX News, and I have a question for the terrorist."
"What is it, filthy harlot?" the terrorist asked.
Melinda pulled out a gun and shot the terrorist in the kneecaps. She then took out a package of uncooked bacon and began shoving it into the terrorists mouth. "You want bacon? You want bacon?"
"That's unnecessarily combative!" Murtha shouted.
Melinda dropped the bacon. "Well, the only other questions FOX News is allowing me to ask are about Anna Nicole Smith."
"This press conference is over!" Murtha said. "Death to America!"
* * * *
Somewhere in Iraq, Buck the Marine was watching the news on TV with fellow Marines. "You ever get the feeling some of the America people and politicians don't support us?" Buck asked.
"It's not like they want us dead," Gomez said. "They just want us to lose and be humiliated."
"I thought I once heard that Murtha was a Marine," Johnson said.
"That's just a lie the enemy put out there to demoralize us," Buck responded. "Don't believe a word of it."
... because Shick wasn't willing to license razorblade gum?
I saw this on Gizmodo:
That's right. LEGO snack treats. Because nothing says love like teaching your kids the fuzzy, choking hazard barrier between food and fun.
According to the product page:
Kosher Status Not Certified
Folks, it doesn't take a rabbi to tell you that these things ain't Kosher.
This got me to thinking about Dangerous Snacks For Kids, teaching them to stick various hazardous objects into their mouths, and the first thing to come to mind was "Light Socket Lollipops."
Anybody out there as sick as me willing to give this challenge a shot? The comments are open.
Since I Assume My Readers Would Be Interested
Here's a clip of the new comedy show for FOX News, The Half-Hour News Hour (hat tip Hot Air):
I wasn't exactly bowled over, but I'm still anxious to see the final product.
I should do a top ten list of why conservatives can't be funny... unless I already did that...
Ask Dr. Duck: Valentines Edition
It has come to my attention that many IMAO readers will be celebrating Valentine's Day alone. This is not something to mock. It's never nice to mock losers.
So let me offer my advice.
Are you trying to woo a certain someone?
Are you having relationship problems?
I have answers. I've been happily married for 9 years. Of course, that involves 11 different wives, but 9 years is 9 years. So - HAH!!!
I'm sure you have questions.
Q: Is this one of those Ask Dr. Duck segments where you sit back and watch people fall over themselves to ask questions and then you ignore them?
Q: Are you sure?
Q: But I'm happily involved in a relationship. I don't really have any questions.
Q: Sigh. Should I post a question even if I'm happily involvedi n a relationship?
Q: I don't know if I should post a question. You really don't give very good advice.
Answers will be posted later today!
BTW, in case my wife is reading this, I've been married 9 years to one lovely woman. Stop honey, don't go to that press conference!!!
February 13, 2007
American Idol -- Hollywood week! Yay!
We're finally out of the auditions.
And -- SPOILER ALERT FOR CSI: HORATIO -- THAT WAS SUCH AN AWESOME EPISODE! Yes, we just finished it and are just now going to watch AI, but first, lemme gush. What an awesome ending, when Horatio nailed Clavo and Clavo totally looked surprised by it? Fantastic. I heart Horatio Caine! And Yay Yay Yay for Delko not being dead! But so so sad about him thinking Marisol is alive. When he asked Calleigh about Marisol. Oh. My heart. Oh, and how dumb is Boa Vista? When she saw the uncut diamond on the floor, I immediately said out loud, "Uncut diamond!" and Boa Vista said, "Piece of glass?" like you ever just see one solitary piece of glass laying on the floor like that. Like someone just dropped it on their way through to the recycle bin. I think I'll lay this piece of glass here. ?? Ditz. And y'all don't even start about David Caruso. He totally RAWKS!
Ahem. On to Idol.
Uhhh. Is that Katharine McPhee's CD cover? Suh-LUTT! I'm not saying she is one, I'm just saying that's what she looks like in that picture. Gen-you-wine bona fide slut.
Okay. Day 1 is the girls. They do a quick run-through of six girls, and some of them sound good, some bad, none awful, none great. They axe the whole first group. Bam. Wow, that'll make everyone else take notice. I think the only one I was surprised to see leave so early is Jory Steinberg.
Next. I expect this Perla Meneses girl to leave quickly. As fast as the first row. Oh good grief. Please don't put Salma Penelope Hayek Cruz through to the voting. Yikes, they kept her over more talented people. I mean really. Her over Jory Steinberg and that Rachel girl? And the other girls who can actually sing? This is a singing competition, Simon, not a gyrating competition. Simon warns her that she's more style over talent or something, blah blah blah, and she's crying, and you know what? Maybe one of those girls who got sent home will trade with you. Suck it up.
Baylie Brown, who my bff thinks looks exactly like my sister, sounds great. I'm glad she's staying. She's my pick for the final 12 girls.
Nicole and Nicole's mom. Um, you didn't make it. Leave. They look so pathetic when they beg. And even worse when they make their moms beg.
BTW, 24 blogging should return tomorrow. Should. I might do last night's episode tomorrow.
Ok, on to the boys. Day 2.
Oh yes, I remember liking Brian Miller in his audition. I hope they keep him. He has nice pipes. But he should change his clothes. Jarrod Fowler too. I like him.
Matt Sato. I think he has some growing up to do before he can continue on. He cries all the time, and he's very ... I don't know ... chorus line? I just feel like he's gonna bust out with spirit fingers any minute now.
I think the judges got that one backwards. They sent Jarrod home and kept Matt. And oh my word, Matt, go sing with the girls on group night, would you stop crying already?
Eeee! Group night! The stuff that makes your ears bleed! Get out your iodine, kids!
Oh, and the crygirl Matt can't find a group. Well, maybe you should hook up with that other girl who's over there crying. She needs someone to sing with. It's almost too much to watch. This is where I can hear Cesar Millan talking about how dogs in nature kill the weakest members of the pack. A dog is sick or weak? They kill it. A contestant cries like a baby every time his mama hugs him? The other contestants kill it. Oh come on, I'm just kidding. If I was there, they'd feed me wheat.
There's that nice cowboy Matt Buckstein who was in Jarrod the singing cowboy's group last year. I'm glad he's back this year. He was so gracious last year.
Huh. Perla's group is frustrated with her, because she can't harmonize.
And there's DRAMA ALL AROUND! Especially with the girl groups. Because we're just evil! EVIL, I SAY! Vicious little monsters.
BTW, it's good they're not in Vegas for Hollywood week, or many of these girls would go off and get hitched in the middle of the night just so they wouldn't have to learn their lyrics. I'm sure of it.
Ok. Judgment time. I just don't get it. They have an entire night to partition out and learn one song. And they only have to sing about what? Ninety seconds in each group? Not even a whole song. How can they not remember the words? It's like cramming for a test, only you only have to cram for about a third of the test, because the professor decides about a third of the way through that you've done enough.
So of course, they start dropping like flies forgetting the words.
Matt Sato is one of them. What, no tears when you get kicked off?
Perla is the weakest link in her group, and she says in perfect English that it's her job to prove them wrong. Dude, where's your English when it matters? Anyway, when it matters, she screws up and sounds awful, and the rest of the group is great, and Salpeneloperla is out. Adios.
Chris Sligh's group is great, they sound like 'NSYNC! They have the beatboxer, and oh, I've missed 'NSYNC! Yay! Claps all around from me.
Sundance's group. Oh no. He is forgetting lyrics, jumping in early, the girls aren't very good... they put him through to the next round anyway, and Simon tells Paula a couple of times that she was very generous with him. Sundance knows it and says he has to pull something together or else.
In Baylie Brown's group, Antonella is the only one who remembers her words. Baylie remembers only two words. The other blonde chick, who isn't memorable at all and will be gone within seconds if she even gets to the voting rounds, forgets some of her words too. The best friends make it through, and Baylie goes home. I'm really disappointed in her. Man, I wanted to see her in the top five. She has one of the best voices this season. Period. Then one of the BFFs (not Antonella) tries to say that it's because God likes good people. That is one of the snobbiest and stupidest things I've ever heard. That is so RUDE! Whatever, you'll be gone soon too. What then? God hates you then? Idiot. Ryan says her name is Amanda. Baylie says she worked so hard and didn't flirt all night, and BFF Amanda says I didn't flirt. We never flirt. Flashback to last night when Amanda was flirting at 3:30 a.m. and then Antonella and Baylie had to give up on Amanda and go to bed without their routine ready.
So they do the thing where they split them up into three rooms, and at this point, really I have no horses in the race. I'd like to see Antonella make it through, because I like her voice, and I think she has an insufferable BFF, and I know that if Antonella makes it through and Amanda doesn't, then Amanda will go the rest of her life thinking, "Well if only I hadn't asked Antonella to go down to that audition with me, I might have made it through to the next round instead of her." Oh don't beat yourself up, Amanda. If you hadn't asked Antonella to go with you, you wouldn't have made it to Hollywood, babe.
I'm happy to see Sundance and Chris through to the top 40. And Gina from a couple seasons ago and that Indian boy, but his sister didn't get through. And Antonella made it, but not Amanda. Amanda is pretending to be happy for Antonella. Yes Amanda. Because God likes good people.
Is Obama Waste-ist?
Obama. Obama. Obama.
How we longed to see your well spoken, clean face on TV, telling us all the things we wanted to hear.
Did we expect you to say THIS?
We ended up launching a war that should have never been authorized, and should have never been waged, and to which we now have spent $400 billion, and have seen over 3,000 lives of the bravest young Americans wasted
I know what you're saying, Obama. This was a slip ot the tongue. That you're not waste-ist. That some of your best friends are in the military and any one of them will tell us that you never act that way.
Then you'll tell us that this was a botched statement. Of course this was not what you meant to say. What you meant to say was that you were criticizing the Bush Administration for having done an awful job with this war.
Of course you're not waste-ist.
So many young men and women have stepped forward to sacrifice everything and you support their cause. You admire them. Not in the way that says you'd ever invite one of THOSE people (Military Recruiters) to one of your elegant soirees, but in a way that says that by increasing the minimum wage we hope that poor people never have to enter the military again.
If we give them options, then "those people" would be able to create meaningful, productive lives in some minimum wage job.
Otherwise, they'd join the Army, go off to battle and die for their cause.
And that would be a waste.
Such "Feminism" Is an Insult to Man and Woman
Not to beat a dead horse here, but it's been so long since I encountered one of these weak-willed, hysterical women who bill themselves as "feminists" like Amanda Marcotte. She made a fool of herself and John Edwards, and now she has some rants up playing herself the stereotypical victim to all those stronger, mean men out there. It's disgusting, really. A woman with self-esteem would admit her mistake and take the consequences... not try and dodge them by hiding behind rantings about a "patriarchy." I know many strong women in my life, and these "feminists" do nothing more than make a virtue out of weakness. Women have gained too much over too long a period to have to suffer the likes of such fools.
Announcefisking of Amandagon
I was hired by the Edwards campaignBut not fired, they were willing to keep you due to whatever passes for wisdom among preening sissyboys these days.
for the skills and talentsUnnamed skills and talents I guess. Herding cats? Stringing anti-Christian epithets using 4 letter words is a skill and talent? DU and dKos have a lot of skilled and talented people too, then.
I bring to the tableAs long as you're bringing things to the table, Fetch my supper!
, and my willingness to work hard for whatís right.I thought there were only shades of gray. OK you were fighting for YOUR shade of gray.
[more below the fold]
Unfortunately, Bill Donohue and his calvacade of right wing shills donít respect that a mere woman like me could be hired for my skills,They'd never let someone as skilled and talented as you run out the door, either.
and pretended that John Edwards had to be held accountable for some of my personal, non-mainstream views on religious influence on politicsNah, hiring foul-mouth idiots like you made him seem like he had bad judgment. Keeping you simply confirmed it.
(Iím anti-theocracy, for those who were keeping track )Did we alI somehow miss all the anti-Islamofacist(read islamic anti-theocratic) satire, that would have made you seem less purely anti-Christian, checking, nope we didn't miss 'em.
. Bill Donohueóanti-Semite,Aren't you anti-semite too? What with being anti-religion and all.
right wing lackey whose entire jobSeemed more like a hobby than a job, a hobby you enjoy the pay is just gravy.
is to create non-controversiesNon-controversies certainly not worth quitting over.
in order to derail liberal politicsI thought they were self-derailing
óhas been running a scorched earth campaignDo you even know what that means?
to get me fired for my personal beliefs and my writings on this blog.And that didn't work, you'll keep this job forever. You sure showed him! HAH!
I miss that show. Bronson Pinchot rulz!
óshould have a right to curtail my freedom of speech.The 1st amendment speaks of Congress not curtailing freedom of speech, not Bill Donohue
Why? Because Iím a woman? Because Iím pro-choice? Because Iím not religious? All of the above, it seems.You forgot D) Because you are a foulmouthed bee-yotch.
They sell cough drops, in the Carolinas, you know. But I think I understand, to paraphrase Spock in "Mirror, Mirror", "It is easier for civilized people to behave as barbarians than it was for you as a barbarian to behave as a civilized person."
No matter what you think about the campaign, I signed on to be a supporter and a tireless employeeYou'll be with them to them end no doubt, the fiery crashfilled end..
for them, and if I canít do the job I was hired to doWHAT?!?!?!? I thought you had skills and talents!, Did Bill Donohue steal them? Were you missing nun chuck skills?
because Bill Donohue doesnít have anything better to do with his time than harass me, then I wonít do it. I resigned my position todayQuitter's never win and winners never quit, you quitter. You're just lucky they'd never accept it.
and they accepted.WAITAMINUTE, WAITAMINUTE though they needed those skills and talents you brought to the table. Not so much I guess. Did you forget to fetch supper?
You figured out the Geico.com website?
The main good news is that I donít have a conflict of interest issue anymore that was preventing me from defending myself against these baseless accusations.Accusations SOOOOOO overwhelmingly baseless you quit the job everyone was trying to get you fired from. an interesting strategy.
So itís on. The other good news is that the blogosphere has risen as one and protested, loudly,And got you to quit!, You quitter you.
the influence a handful of well-financed right wing shills have on the public discourse.Now I a bit confiued, so you didn't quit?
Yeah most Catholics as I understand, are violently anti-Catholic
he speaks for the right wing noise machine. You guys pointed this out, you made a stink,If it was a bigger stink than usual, I'm glad I didn't have to smell it
you refused to walk into the same stupid trap that is laid out for liberals and Democrats by the right wing noise machine and I think you made a difference. While loyalty played into the pushback some, the real story is that we liberals are not taking this crap any longer and weíre pushing back.And we'll quit for no particular good reason!
And now that Iím attached to only myself again,OK that's a visual I could have done without
Iím ready and eager to join in the pushing back with you.Quitters UNITE!
Like Lorraine say, Jesus did not say to shut your piehole.I thought you weren't religious. What do you care what Jesus said or didn't say? Anyway the gospels aren't exhaustive, he could have said something similar.
Obviously, but tell the truth, its always "right now" with you, isn't it?. And not because you are a woman, pro-choice and not religious either.
But Iíll be raring to go soon.Cuz when the going gets tough the tough get going! Going home to whine.
In the meantime, I want to share this letter Evan got from Frances Kissling, the president of an organization I adore called Catholics for a Free Choice.Catholics hating Catholicism, what's NOT to adore?
She wrote a letter defending free discourse and her religion from being hijacked by the likes of Bill Donohue and other people who dress their reactionary politics up in faithís clothing.Yeah, Bill Donohue and his ilk THEY'RE the ones that need a good "silencing", not you. Of course the "silencing" will be performed in a non-freedom-of-speech-infringing sort of way.
She sent it to the NY Times, and for some reason they didnít run it.I guess she should have padded it with something that would have damaged national security.
To sum things up, she didn't get FIRED because of pressure from right wing shills, lackeys and noise machines, she QUIT because of pressure from right wing shills, lackeys and noise machines. A big difference there, because this way, she still has her dignity.
I wonder if she keeps her dignity in her Godbag..
They don't name tornadoes, you know.
Apparently, a tornado hit New Orleans early today, killing an elderly woman and hurting 15 others and causing extensive damage.
Kanye West is still trying to get his running shoes on to rush to the scene to blame Bush while Sean Penn has already filled a racecar with cameramen to survey the scene and offer no assistance to the victims.
Meanwhile, Comic Relief is going to throw together a quick 32-second telethon to benefit the victims, consisting of all of Whoopi Goldberg's jokes and a 30-second commercial.
Crazy, Hate-Filled Blogger Who Was Forced to Resign for Craziness and Hate Responds with Crazy Hate
NOTE: Just assume all the links here have a profanity warning, and, if you trust me (why wouldn't you?), there's really no reason to go check them out.
Amanda Marcotte, here's something to consider: Maybe it's you.
How blissfully unaware can someone so hate-filled be? I have some views that people would consider extreme - everyone does - but I understand what I would look like trying to shove those views down everyone's throats because IT'S SO OBVIOUS THAT I'M RIGHT TO ANYONE WHO IS NOT INSANE OR STUPID OR PART OF THE PATRIARCHAL OPPRESSORS!!! @#$% YOU ALL IN THE @#$%!!!
Amanda Marmoset apparently lacks such filters. Forced to resign (let's not pretend she wasn't; she was obviously a huge distraction from Edwards' luscious hair), she rants on about the women hating patriarchy that was out to get her (she actually just put up a new post with the phrase "random misogynist scapegoating is all too real in a patriarchy"; maybe it's satire).
Meerkat, did you ever consider that maybe that wouldn't be so easy if you weren't such a low hanging fruit? It might be hard for people to paint you as a lunatic without you weren't constantly cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.
Of course, the insane do not tend to be aware of their insanity... especially when you have the denizens of the nutroots urging you on. After all the controversy, Amanda Macaroni had to know how watched her posting was going to be, but she still wrote this in a movie review Sunday:
The Christian version of the virgin birth is generally interpreted as super-patriarchal, where god is viewed as so powerful he can impregnate without befouling himself by touching a woman, and women are nothing but vessels.
Generally interpreted? Could she maybe clue us in on what planet this is the "generally interpreted" view of the virgin birth in Christianity? Perhaps tell us as reference what Planck's constant is in this weird wacky universe she lives in where her views are the prevalent ones?
For those who don't know (like some who stumbled over here from a fantasical place like Pandagon), I should inform you that men actually like the "befouling" more than the impregnating.
I'm guessing that after this, Edwards determined that the beast couldn't be tamed and asked for a resignation. I think he gave up too easy. He should have hired the Dog Whisperer who would tap Merecoot in the neck while yelling, "Tsst!" anytime she tried to go into crazy ranting. Eventually she would learn that that behavior was not acceptable, and it would be a boon to the blogosphere since Edwards would have proven that a netroots can be trained given enough time and patience.
Well, it's done with now. Amanda Marcotte will surely rant and rave as she fades back into her well-earned obscurity. Still, there are some lesson to be learned.
FRANK ADVICE ON PICKING OUT A CAMPAIGN BLOGGER
* Before hiring a blogger, consider actually reading a few of her posts. If they tend to make the average American want to respond with a letter headed "Dear Crazy Person," maybe you should keep looking.
* Before finalizing a hire, give the blogger some basic mental screening. If you start to get heat for how insane that ranting are of the blogger, you can say, "We've discovered she has a mental illness, and we're going to get her the medical help she needs." Then everyone will feel bad for making fun of someone mentally ill and you'll score points with the media. It should be noted, you don't actually have to find mental illness to back out on that excuse.
* Remember to be especially careful with liberal extremists because they have a special kind of crazy. With right-wingers, you get things like, "We must nuke Mecca now!" It's crazy, but people can at least follow the logic. The ranting about patriarchy and what not from the men-hating feminists are not so easy to understand. You actually have to take college courses and read obscure texts to get that crazy.
* Always use disinfectant after shaking their hands. You just know these people have something, and you don't want it. They are neither clean nor articulate.
* It should be noted that I can imitate sane at bargain prices if you're desperate.
Fun Facts About Virginia
While the IMAO podcast is still MIA, I'm going to keep posting the latest uncut Fun Facts About The 50 States - hopefully on a weekly(ish) schedule.
(continued in extended entry)
Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting - yet completely useless, and probably untrue - information about each of the 50 states.
This week, we'll be scammed into buying a "genuine" George Washington cherry-tree-choppin' ax as we visit Virginia. So let's get started...
Virginia became the 10th state on June 25, 1788. The northern part of it was originally used by the British as a penal colony for thieves and con artists, which may explain Washington, D.C.
The state motto of Virginia is "Sic Semper Tyrannis", which is Latin for "No, seriously, the Waltons were fictional. Stop asking about them".
George Washington was born in Westmoreland County, Virginia in 1732. He's famous for being the first President, the father of his country, and the first white man to rap under the name Vanilla Ice.
Thomas Jefferson was born in Shadwell, Virginia in 1743. His first draft of the Declaration of Independence was blunt but concise: "King George - You suck. We're outta here. - The Colonies".
Considering they used the letter "f" instead of "s" back in those days, it's probably better that he went with the longer version.
28th President Woodrow Wilson was born in Staunton, Virginia in 1856. Despite the fact that his administration brought income taxes, WWI, Prohibition, and the horrors of women's suffrage, history still remembers him kindly. Probably because he never violated the Constitutional separation of intern and cigar.
Being the largest of the colonies, Virginia was named in honor of England's "Virgin Queen", Elizabeth I. The tiny state to the north was named for her slutty cousin, Mary.
The state song of Virginia is "Carry Me Back to Old Virginia", which was chosen by one vote over "Like A Virgin".
Virginia's early settlers got the idea to plant tobacco after they were first welcomed ashore by Indians holding up signs saying "You've come a long way, baby!"
The colony of Jamestown, Virginia, was founded for the purpose of producing silk, which was shipped to England to help King James indulge his not-as-secret-as-he-thought fetish for women's underwear.
The first peanuts grown in the US were grown in Virginia. Trust me, you DON'T want to know what King James did with THOSE.
Three of the first four US presidents were born in Virginia. They were the original Patriots' Dynasty.
The state capital of Virginia - Richmond - was also the capital of the Confederacy. Most of the people in Virginia wish is still was.
The Dogwood is Virginia's state tree, state flower, and state euphemism for a canine erection.
The American Revolution ended with the surrender of Cornwallis in Yorktown, Virginia. The terms of the surrender included having Cornwallis stand in the town square naked and shout "I stink! I am a senile, bucktoothed old mummy, with bony girl arms and I smell like an elephant's butt!"
Some historians cite this as the root cause of the war of 1812.
Two iron-clad ships, the Monitor and the Merrimac, fought for 12 hours at Hampton Roads, Virginia on March 9th, 1862. The battle was inconclusive, but proved one thing: getting a cannonball through metal armor was like trying to get a tax cut through a Democratic congress.
2000 of the Civil War's battles were fought in Virginia.... 3000, if you count the times Robert E. Lee's wife whacked him with a rolling pin.
In Virginia, more people work for the US government than any other industry.
Um... well... leastwise they have more people listed on their payroll.
The world's largest shipyard is in Newport News, Virginia. Their drydock facility alone is large enough to hold 3 aircraft carriers, or a week's supply of gin for Ted Kennedy.
The Pentagon building in Arlington, Virginia is the largest office building in the world. It has over 5000 fax machines, all which are destined to someday be taken out into a field and smashed with a baseball bat.
Contrary to the popular story, the first Thanksgiving was actually held in Virginia's Berkley Plantation colony in 1619. 90 Indian braves were invited to the feast as thanks for their help during the previous year's harsh winter. Those 90 later burned the village to the ground as revenge for being made to sit at the kiddie table.
The Great Dismal Swamp is a wasteland of foul muck located near Virginia's border with North Carolina, and is NOT a nickname for Washington, D.C.
Don't feel bad. A LOT of people make that mistake.
Thomas Jefferson designed the home where he spent his final years - Monticello - which can be seen on the back of the nickel. If you look closely, you can see Jefferson yelling at some kids to get off his lawn.
George Washington's home - Mount Vernon - is NOT shown on the back of the quarter since all the pink flamingos on his lawn were deemed "too un-presidential".
The world's only oyster museum is located on Chincoteague Island, Virginia. It celebrates history's greatest oysters, including playwright Oyster Wilde and Supreme Court Justice Oyster Wendell Holmes.
On April 9, 1865, at the Appomatox, Virginia courthouse, the Civil War ended when General Robert E. Lee was forced to surrender to General Ulysses S. Grant after Lee foolishly chose rock to Grant's paper.
St. John's church in Richmond, Virginia, was where Patrick Henry famously said "Give me liberty, or give me death!". Some historians consider this story a mere legend, however, and insist that what he actually said was "Give me freedom, or give me severe nasal congestion with a headache and slight fever!"
The Atlantic headquarters of NATO is located in Norfolk, Virginia. For those who don't know, NATO is sorta like the UN, except with weapons and testicles.
That wraps up the Virginia edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be paying 35 dollars for one stinking martini at the top of the Space Needle as we visit Washington.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go... Hey! Look!... Dogwood!.
[The complete e-book version of "Fun Facts About the 50 States" is now available at Amazon.com. If you don't have a Kindle, you can download free Kindle apps for your web browser, smartphone, computer, or tablet from Amazon.com]
February 12, 2007
John Edwards Announces Timeline for Withdrawal from Blogosphere
Amanda Marcotte, the the sharp tongued 'satirist' hired by John Edwards today announced her resignation.
"Many people feel that this was the plan all along. That John would announce his support but that I would resign of my own free will after being bothered by the fact that the people I loathe and detest somehow for some reason don't like me. This is not the case. I am retiring because some people don't like me and of course that makes them crazy."
Said John Edwards, "We realized that we had accomplished all of our goals already and therefore the time was right to pull away from this fight."
Amanda is now sitting at home, awaiting the sticky, jizzy influence of another presidential candidate - possibly Hillary Clinton.
More as this story develops.
Now that the master of faux anti-white male/anti-Christian satire has resigned from *Edwards' campaign, I present a roundup of IMAO pre-responses to the Amanda Marmoset resignation.
* A white faux male, faux Christian. Aren't opposites supposed to attract?
Edwards Steals Blogsphere's Comedy Gold!
Foul-mouthed, hate-filled, lefty blogger Amanda Marcotte of Pandagon has officially resigned from her post as the Edwards '08 campaign's official screech-owl.
I wonder how the Breck Girl will replace Amanda's priceless ability to mire his campaign in controversy...
* 100 monkeys at 100 typewriters that only have 4 keys each - K, U, C, and F.
* Hire David Duke as his campaign adviser.
* Make every Wednesday at campaign HQ "cigars and interns night".
* Hire Ted Kennedy to drive the interns home Thursday morning.
* Talk up his new charity, "Centrifuges for Iran".
* Start taking hair styling tips from Zach Braff.
* Eat Snickers bars in the garage with John Kerry.
* Puppy blending! - it's not just for bloggers anymore!
* Take the Dixie Chicks with him on his next fact-finding tour to Iraq.
* Admit to being the real father of Anna Nicole Smith's daughter, Dannielynn.
* Accept an invitation to the Duke LaCrosse team's next kegger.
* Tear down a homeless shelter to make room for his new 280,000 square foot house.
* Refuse to hire black campaign staffers unless they're sufficiently clean and articulate.
Any other suggestions?
A Good Beating Will Take Care of Violent Kids
John Hawkins has an interview with Helen Smith (a.k.a, the puppy blender enabler) on the increasing trend of violence in youth today. I found it pretty interesting and thought Helen has some smart analysis. Also, I didn't know that the idea that pretty much only white males are serial killers is actually a myth.
What I blame youth violence on, though, is Pokemon. If you teach kids that it's okay to shove large animals into a ball and then throw it at someone, they will eventually lash out. I also blame todays' lower quality beef jerky ingredients, smoothies, and, of course, liberals.
You should also remember to check out John Hawkins other site Conservative Grapevine. I like good linky sites, so make sure to support it.
ACTION ALERT: Coat or No Coat?
ACTION ALERT! ACTION ALERT!
E-mail a Congressman telling him what the temperature is outside and asking him whether he thinks you should wear a coat. Make it clear your campaign contribution rests on his answer.
END ACTION ALERT
ACTION ALERT: Get a Life
Ever wonder why IMAO has never issues action alerts?
"Because they're retarded and gay," you probably just responded.
True dat, but still, think of the power IMAO could wield if I just said stuff and everyone did it? Politicians would fear us.
If you don't know what an action alert is, that's where a liberal blog issues something from all its readers to do, and then they all do it like the lemmings they are (yes, lemmings don't actually run mindlessly off cliffs, but a lemming is now more a symbol of mindlessly following a mob than an actual animal).
E.g. ACTION ALERT: Wear your pants on your head in protest of the war!
So, an action alert is issued, the Kwazy Kos Kids all follow it, and the Democrat politicians all tremble in fear at those nutters being loosed on them. Most pundits agree that it was this post by Chris Bowers that made John Edwards change his mind on firing Amanda Marcotte. Yes, Bowers didn't even need an action alert; her merely had to threaten to use one to cause Edwards to crouch in the corner and weep quietly while brushing his hair. For all Edwards knew, that action alert could have been to call for his murder and then he'd be rushed by the unwashed activists who would come at him with pen knives while screaming incoherently about wiretaps.
To control the action alert is to control fear. That, my friend, is power... and I want it!
I will begin to issue action alerts. Your job will be to mindlessly follow them. If you all participate, then the politicians will kneel before our power! Buh ha ha ha ha!
Cat/Countercat: Flowers For Valentine's Day
It's time for a new feature called Cat/Countercat where the resident IFOC Cats debate the issues of the day.
Today's subject: flowers for Valentine's Day.
Apparently, there are ugly academics out there that can't get themselves a date, so they have to ruin Valentine's Day for everyone else...
In the past three years, the amount of flowers imported from the Netherlands has fallen by 47 per cent to 94,000 tons, while those from Africa have risen 39 per cent to 17,000 tons.
With this issue being so important, it's time to take it out of the hands of humanity and give it to our Feline Masters to help us resolve the conflict fairly, wisely, and swiftly.
What do you think about the environmental impact of Valentine's Day?
Thank you, kittycats.
This has been Cat/Countercat.
Can't a Presidential Candidate Fill Up His Car in Peace Anymore?
Apparently, black people get shot at when they go to fill up their cars. This according to Barack Obama's wife:
The heavy presence of security around Obama was also a silent reminder of the change that took place with the announcement. Michelle Obama, the candidateís wife, acknowledged it in an interview to air on CBSí ď60 Minutes,Ē in which she was asked if she fears for her husbandís life as a black candidate.
That's not right. Whoever is shooting at Obama when he goes to the Exxon station, could you stop it? While you're at it, just stop the shooting at the black people in general.
I know gas stations already have signs up about not smoking near the pumps, but maybe they should add another about not shooting at black people.
No Fox News mornings for me at all
I love Megyn Kendall (or however you spell that), but since I can't bear to watch Bill Hemmer (I just don't have it in me to say why this morning, but it has to do with what I suppose his IQ to be), and y'all know how I feel about Gretchen and Brian in the mornings... Supposedly E.D. will be pushed to 11. They sure are pushing her around a lot these days, no?
Yeah, Fox has plunged into pure suckitude. So now I have a dilemma. E.D. Hill at 11? or the View?
Yeah, yeah. I Tivo the View anyway. I do. I love watching trainwrecks. And I love arguing with people in my head, and Joy Behar provides endless hours of fantastical arguing pleasure for me. Not to mention the joy I get from watching Rosie not grasp how twisted her logic is.
So when will it be enough for E.D.? When is her contract up? Do y'all think she's just waiting for that and already knows where she's headed? Today she's not even on. It's that Bridgette lady who disappeared last year.
Terrorist Threat From Radical Atheist!
Deb Schlussel says that, as an atheist, I'm very likely to be seduced by radical Islam.
Which I thought was just the dumbest thing I'd ever heard.
But then I realized how right she was.
You see, although I've called myself an atheist for years, I'm always been a Christian Atheist, because it was the God of the Holy Bible that I didn't believe in. I mean, sure, I scoffed at other popular deities, too, but it was really reading the Bible that convinced me that believing in God was as silly as believing that Criss Angel doesn't use camera tricks and audience shills during his Mind Freak specials.
But recently all that changed. I started reading the Koran. I mean REALLY studying it and thinking it over.
And I've come to the conclusion that it's Allah and not Jehovah that's the most hysterically unlikely anthropomorphic personification of infinite power that's ever been fictionalized between the covers of an overlong holy book.
That's right. I've converted.
I'm an Islamic Atheist now.
And since the ideas put forth in the most blood-soaked, kill-'em-all passages were the least believable parts of the completely deranged waste of paper that IS the Koran, I had no choice but to become a Radical Jihad-Lovin' Islamic Atheist. There's simply nothing that I don't believe in more.
And so now five times every day, I don't face Mecca and don't bow down while I'm not saying the prayers that will cleanse my non-existent soul, as I don't purify my thoughts for the moment when I don't martyr myself in Allah's imaginary name while not killing infidels so that I may not be immediately swept into a mythical paradise to enjoy the spuriously sweet temptations of the 72 virgins who don't eagerly await me.
And thus it is for the completely made up glory of Allah The Not-Really-There, that I have not strapped on this explosive vest filled with C4 ball bearings and will now not blow up this blog and all its readers.
If you don't believe me - and you shouldn't - then believe your own lying eyes as you gaze in horror at this "genuine live web cam" image of the bomb I'm not wearing!
Prepare to meet your makers!
... by which, of course, I mean "your parents".
Next time you see them, tell 'em Harv says "Hi!"
And that Deb Schlussel doesn't know sh*t about atheists.
New Week, New Poll Data
A week has passed, so the polling starts again in the Pajamas Media Straw Poll. Just vote in the box on the left sidebar, and select a Democrat as well or you're a wuss.
Who is Ron Paul and why is in the lead right now for this week (overall voting)?
Who Knew Sloths Were Anti-American?
Allahpundit posted this on Hot Air and said he found it funny but thought most other wouldn't. I don't see how anyone could not find this funny (WARNING: It has some bleeped out swearing... though I wasn't able to fill in the blanks):
The secret to random humor is that it can't actually be truly random. There has to be some method to the madness, and this, while being unpredictable, has a theme. I declare it to be funny.
While I'm linking funny videos, here's The Shawshank Redemption in one minute. The Morgan Freeman impression is dead on. (WARNING: Has one swear word in it... but it's also the funniest part since it's so true):
February 10, 2007
Is there anything sciency folk can't do? now they claim to be able to read your intentions.
A team of world-leading neuroscientists has developed a powerful technique that allows them to look deep inside a person's brain and read their intentions before they act.
Soon mysteries like:
February 09, 2007
What is Mahmoud Abbas Praying For? #23
It's Friday, so it's time for the wire services to post the non sequitur non-news story of Mahmoud Abbas praying at a mosque.
However, this week's different... this week we're going to start a new feature called:
And it's an extra-special edition! Mahmoud and thug-in-chief Ismail Haniyeh the Hamasshole are hanging out in the granddaddy of all mosques - in Mecca!
So, from Mahmoud Abbas' expressions, can you tell what Mahmoud Abbas is praying for?
a) To know who has their hand up his ass, and what's their phone number.
b) To stop chanting TOGA! with the rest of the guys and go find some girls.
c) For the embargo to end so he doesn't have to wear his Depends inside-out every other day.
d) For Ismail to quit telling him to hold that thing to his head and hear the sound of dying, screaming infidels.
He can hear them!
e) A semi-private changing room on the way back.
f) NONE OF THE ABOVE!
Put your guesses in the comments.
John Edwards, Pick Me Because I Don't Want The Job
Dear John Edwards,
I am opposed to using cursing/profanity to express my opinions. I am smarter than that. See I know a lot of words with more than four letters which aren't pejorative (naughty). So I doubt you'll ever find any profanity attributed to me on any of the internets. (Like you know anything about the internet other than what your wife or kids has told you, HAH!) So you'd be hard pressed to cause a stir among left or right wingers.
See? I have my smug self-righteousness about not cursing, that gives us common ground right there.
I can help you get in touch with the religious left, assuming they exist, because I suspect they probably go to church somewhere. I know what church buildings generally look like and can coach you on proper decorum (how you act) while in one.
I could show you how the middle class lives. We shop at places with 'mart' and 'mall' in the titles. We eat food that comes wrapped in paper. We live in houses that measure 4 digits, in square feet and not 5.
That's all I'm going to say about my qualifications because like I said, I really, really don't really want the job. Really.
P.S. Unless it pays well enough to get a 5 digit square foot house. Then I'm in for the big win, baby!
New Reality Investigative Game Show
First Anna Nicole passed away leaving behind a sweet 5 month old girl.
Who's the Daddy?
Howard K. Stern said, "I'm the proud father."
Zsa Zsa Gabor's Ex-Husband says, "Hmm. Might be mine, too."
Fox Entertainment brings you a new reality show...
If you think you qualify, you can joing the other contestants and lay your claim to daddyhood and potential riches.
Pick me, Johnny Ambulancechaser!
I think ex-Senator Edwards should pick me to run his blog instead of that anti-Catholic man-hating nutcase.
After all, don't Jews mostly vote for Democrats?
And based on his robust and thorough vetting process for prospective employees, the fact that I'm Jewish should mark me as a die-hard loyalist to the Leftist cause.
Now where's my login and paycheck?
(Gotta watch those Astros, you know.)
Frank J.: The Perfect Blog Represenative for a Preening Sissy Girl
I saw how Harvey and RightWingDuck are trying to get Amanda Marcotte's job as John Edwards' blogmaster. I'd hate to see my bloggers get paid more, so I'll offer my considerable blogger skills to John Edwards. I may not be a screeching harpy, but I get the job done.
As you all know, I'm both clean and articulate - something that can't be said of current Edwards' current hire. While I've traditionally held views opposed to those of John Edwards, that can be changed for the right money. Watch how dedicated to progressive causes I can sound if I apply myself:
Hello people's of the two Americas. I want you to know that I, Frank J., support John Edwards for president. That's because he's right on the important issues we face today. He'll always stand firm for abortion, the most essential right for knocked up sluts. Some of you godbags may not share that view, but, if you're not a knocked up slut yourself, can you really empathize?
See, just enough spite to rile up the Kwazy Kos Kids while not being quite as eating-your-own-feces crazy as a certain Amanda Marcotte. That's worth good money, John Edwards, and you should consider it. You know where to contact me.
No, choose ME!!
Now that Amanda Marcotte is officially staying as the Team Edwards blogger, it's safe to say that John Edwards is a man of very low standards. That's why he should choose a blogger from IMAO!!
I know what you're thinking: "But, Ducky, you've always hated and mocked John Edwards and his Breck-girl girly ways!"
That's true. But when I said
"If John Edwards were President, the Muslims would stream across the border, race right past the wets, and f&Ck ol' Johnny righ the @ss. And he would probably like it."I really meant that in a playful, satirical, non homobophobic manner.
John Edwards has a lot of fine qualities...
Equal Rights: Mr. Edwards believes in equal rights and equal access for the sexes. His home features and His AND hers hair salons.
Affordable Housing: The Servants' Wing of his home falls into the low income zip codes. This wing features lower taxes while the other parts of his city features amazingly high taxes for the wealthy.
Man of the people: John Edwards legal address is still in the Servants' Wing.
Global Warming: The earth is getting warmer. And what is John Edwards doing about it? He's running his air conditioning non-stop. He literally is willing to air condition the whole neighborhood.
Terrorism: Wheras crazy right wingers believe that terrorists should be killed and their entrails fed to pigs, Mr. Edwards believe in more diplomatic solutions. Solutions include Sleepovers At My House where Al Queda operatives gather round, tell stories, paint fingernails, and then have pillow fights over territorial issues.
Immigration and friendliness: The other day, he was golfing with some friends and a family of illegals were making their way across the course. He offered them a ride in his stretch golf-cart. When he crashed into a tree, he helped the family by suing the golf club and their board of directors. **
So there are a lot of good qualities to John Edwards and I think he should choose me, or any other of the other IMAO bloggers, to be one of his other official bloggers.
Great New Get Rich Quick Scheme: Denying Global Warming
Do you want more money? Of course, we all do. Well, I'm here to tell you that you can make money for something you've been doing for free: Denying global warming.
I heard how President Bush was paying off scientists to deny global warming, and I started wondering, "How can I get in on this money making opportunity?"
So, I went to the Forecast Channel on my Nintendo Wii the other night and recorded the temperatures of major cities in the U.S. Then, the next afternoon, I went back and recorded the temperature of those same cities. I noted the increase in all those temperatures and wrote a paper showing that so much warming in such a brief period of time was conclusive evidence of global warming.
Hours later, I get a phone call. It's President Bush. "Frank," he said, "would $10,000 help you rethink your position on global warming."
I didn't want to sound like a chump, so I said, "I don't know. I really really believe in global warming."
"Well... how does $20,000 sound?"
"It sounds like I need to review my research," I said.
And look what I have now:
You better jump on this money making opportunity now before it gets shut down.
Also, I should mention that there is no such thing as global warming. Globes don't warm, and only stupid people without big checks would think otherwise.
Forget Her, Johnny, I'M the One You Really Want
I was shocked and dismayed to discover that John Edwards is keeping Amanda
Personally, I think keeping Marcotte was a bad decision for Edwards. Not only because she's an unbalanced lunatic who will most likely boil Edwards' bunny someday, but because she's just not really in tune with the values of his campaign.
I, on the other hand, am completely congruent with the message Edwards wants to send. I think he should fire that stupid cow (See? *I* didn't swear!) and hire me on as his official blogger because I'm ever so much more qualified for the position:
* I'm pro-choice. I believe that every woman has the right to decide whether or not to have fries with that.
* I believe in higher taxes. In fact, I've been after Frank for YEARS to start paying his co-bloggers in dollars instead of empty promises, which would allow me to pay more in taxes than I do now. How am I supposed to pay more taxes without Frank's money?
* We need to strengthen affirmative action. I've also been hounding Frank to hire Michele Malkin as an IMAO writer, since she's both Asian AND a woman. Quota-wise, that's even better than hiring a black guy. Plus we don't have to put up with all the annoying "Yo! Yo!" this, and "shizzle-dizzle" that.
* I want stricter campaign finance laws to lower the influence of corrupt corporate money. We should expand the "no campaign ads" ban from 60 days to 90 days before an election, or even longer if that's what it takes to keep those things from annoying me during NFL pre-season games.
* Yeah... I watch pre-season football. And I miss the XFL, too. Wanna make something of it? Maybe we should step outside!
* I favor abolishing the death penalty. Except for crimes in which the perpatrator's guilt is unquestioned, like lying about the reasons for going to war. Which means Bush is a dead man. And, technically, Pelosi, Gore, Kennedy, Byrd, Kerry, and both Clintons. But if that's what it takes to bring Bush to justice, I'm willing to pay the price.
* I favor higher education standards. No one should be allowed to graduate from high school without being able to read Why Mommy Is A Democrat.
* I think euthanasia should be legalized. Americans have a Constitutional right to die. And I think Constitutional protections should be extended even to non-citizens, like Gitmo detainees and terrorists. We must help them exercise this precious right.
* Gay marriage should be legalized. Gay couples have the right to form happy, loving families just like hetero couples, because their adopted/stolen/black-market babies need the support and stability of married parents. So... gay marriage - yes... gay divorce - no.
* People don't kill people, guns kill people. And if I can't use my guns to kill the people on my enemies list, then no one else should have a gun either. I'll just have to find another way to kill that creepy Burger King guy.
* I don't think anyone should have to pay for health care - everyone should get it for free. Of course, greedy doctors think otherwise, and would unpatriotically refuse to work if they didn't get paid. But let's be honest, medicine is not so complicated that it couldn't be done by a random homeless person, who - in exchange - would move in with their patients in lieu of cash payment. Everybody wins!
* Stop wasting money guarding the borders. We need a good supply of illegal immigrants in case we run out of homeless guys to staff our hospitals.
* When it comes to women's rights in the workplace, I'm in favor of giving them anything they want as long as they promise to stop discussing feminine hygiene issues when I'm around. EWWWW!
* The only way to properly support our troops is to bring them home. And while we're doing that, we should probably go ahead and give the terrorists a lift, too, since - with the troops gone - they'll be headed to our shores pretty soon, anyway.
But my biggest qualification is that, like Zach Braff, I have a permanent case of bed-head, so I will NEVER upstage the important-lookingness of John Edwards' pretty, pretty hair.
Muslims Angry at Free Speech... San Francisco Caves to Muslims... Dog Bites Man...
Some students at San Francisco State University got in trouble for desecrating the name of Allah when what they thought they were doing were desecrating the flags of the terrorists organizations Hamas and Hezbollah. Unbeknownst to the students, those flags have the name "Allah" written on them in some sort of chicken scratch.
Now, many Muslims have claimed that terrorists are the ones desecrating Islam by invoking its name with their murder, so shouldn't they also be coming out here demanding Hamas and Hezbollah remove the name of Allah from their crummy flags? Aren't they the true offenders and not the college students? Come on, Muslims, I know you're out there; demand Hamas and Hezbollah right these wrongs so we can stomp on their flags in peace.
The Racist of Beers
I saw a Budweiser truck this morning and noticed it's slogan is "Crisp. Clean. Refreshing."
Do they have Joe Biden doing their advertising now? Why would they imply other beers are dirty? Or are they patronizing Budweiser by implying we don't expect lagers to be "clean" like we do of ales?
I Like Getting Angry at Stuff Democrats Do as Much as the Next Guy...
...but I don't really get this airplane "scandal" with Speaker Pelosi. I've been ignoring it since it first broke just because it sounded boring, but my understanding is that all Pelosi wanted was to fly across country without having to stop to refuel... something thousands of people do everyday. The only complication seems to be that the military would fulfill this request in an absurdly expensive way... as the military tends to do. Still, what we have here is the person second in line for the presidency wanting to fly home non-stop, and that ranks pretty low on my elitism scale.
Come on! Ted Kennedy probably does something more outrageous every afternoon when he inevitably loses his pants. Are we bloggers getting so lazy that this is the best scandal we could find? I'm disappointed. At least photoshop Pelosi stealing money from orphans to pay for another face lift... or something else marginally creative.
I do wish I could get non-stop flights, though...
February 08, 2007
Anna Nicole Smith
Some reason about every blog out there has felt the need to at least mention her death... I guess because her life was odd and ultimately tragic. Plus, I think a lot of us made fun of her and now feel bad. I'll refer everyone to baldilocks's post on the subject having nothing better to add.
In My World: Waving the Bloody Tire Iron
"I would like to announce I'm now officially running for president," Rudy Giuliani announced to a cheering crowd of Republicans. "Terrorists came to my city, and now it's time for me to come after them. The way to do that is to become president." He held up a blood-stained tire iron. "See the blood on this. I saw someone who looked like a terrorist on the way over here and I beat him to death with this tire iron. That's how much I hate terrorists. If elected president, I promise to personally kill terrorists. You will constantly see me caked in blood and you can be sure that it will be the blood of terrorists... or possibly panhandlers."
"Will you also kill hobos?" a Republican asked.
"Only if they panhandle."
"Killing terrorists is great, but what about your stance on abortion?" said another Republican.
"I understand there is some concern from many Republicans about my support for keeping abortion legal," Rudy said, "I want you to know that I am not changing my position on that; who I am is who I am, and you should know I won't change my positions just to help myself politically. But I don't want people to think I'm some sort of pro-abortion fanatic. To prove that, I'm inviting a pregnant woman to stand next to me."
A pregnant woman walked on to the stage and Rudy stood next to her, occasionally glancing towards her uncomfortably. "See. I'm perfectly fine not aborting that baby," he said. "I'm not fanatic."
"The way you're looking at her... it kinda seems like you really want to abort that baby," a Republican said.
"That's ridiculous." He shushed the woman away. "Now, I think that should be enough to let conservatives know that it's okay to vote for me."
"But what about guns?" a Republican asked. "Don't you want to take them away from people?"
"That's absurd. I respect gun rights."
"But aren't you taking away that guy's gun right now?"
Rudy looked down at the gun in his hands he had just taken from someone of the crowd. "I simply took it so I could look at and admire the gun."
"So why don't you give it back now?"
Rudy paused for a moment. "Maybe later." He put the gun in his coat pocket.
"I knew it!" shouted a Republican. "Rudy Giuliani is an abortion-loving, gun-grabbing liberal!"
"Who will personally beat terrorists to death with a tire iron!" Rudy shook his bloody tire iron in the air to applause of the crowd.
* * * *
"It's going to be tough to run against Rudy Giuliani," President Bush told his wife as he turned off the TV. "I better get started on my campaigning now if I want to be reelected in 2008."
"You can't reelected in 2008, dear," Laura told him.
"Oh yeah... because my poll numbers are so low, right?"
Laura rolled her eyes. "Yes, because your poll numbers are so low."
Amanda Marcotte: Right-Winger in Disguise!
It ends up Amanda Marcotte is not a hate-filled liberal incapable of expressing a thought without lacing it with obscenities; the truth is she was merely satirizing those types of people. Here's her new official statement on the Edwards' blog:
My writings on my personal blog Pandagon on the issue of religion are generally satirical in nature and always intended strictly as a criticism of public policies and politics.
See, it was all a satire. If you look through the archives of Panadgon (I don't recommend that, though) it seems like quite the dedication to a joke. She really convinced a lot of people - liberals especially - that's she filled with nothing but hate and contempt for those who disagree with her and she saves her worst bile for religious views. Ironically, my first encounter with Amanda was when she claimed she couldn't understand how a piece of mine could be called satire and spent what seemed like an inordinate amount of space writing about it (much longer than the actual piece). In the end, I guess, she was merely doing a parody of a bloviating idiot.
Don't we all feel foolish now for not getting the joke?
Carter's War Face
"We all want to kill the Jews, but let's just calm down a second here."
Reader Mike e-mailed me this picture with the caption in the post title, but why don't you see if you can come up with a better one. Winner gets IMAO Bonus Points!
A reader pointed out this photo from LGF:
"Tiny jooos have taken over my toaster!"
That photo practically demands someone to photoshop a hood on him and lightning coming out of his fingers.
Amanda Marcotte may have been fired, and guess how the liberal blogs are reacting?
Did you answer "With angry, over the top obscenity laced rants"? Then you're right! And if you added "Also, they're acting like this is the most important issue ever... just like they do with any of their piddling crap issues they latch onto," then you get bonus points.
I'm getting the feeling that the netroots just don't like the idea that, just because they're a bunch of hate-filled lunatics, they should be considered political liabilities (i.e., the "reality-based" community is getting angry at reality). Sure, the Democrats like the netroots' money and votes, but they want to do that exchange in a back alley out of the public eye and deny it later. That has to hurt their feelings.
What's this mean for us? Well, if Edwards fires Marcotte, then he will officially have responded quicker to right-wing blogs than any Republican making him my favorite candidate. Since no politician out there will do what we want out of principle, maybe we should settle for one we can successfully bully.
Seriously, though, this whole thing reminds me of a scientific research that, while it's better to study for a test sober, if you do study drunk then you're better off taking the test drunk. Similarly, Edwards never should have hired Marcotte, but, since he did, he's better off keeping her. If he bows to pressure to fire her, then he'll just seem even more like the preening little sissy we all know he is. The best thing for him to do is embrace Marcotte and officially become the hate-filled lefty candidate. He can probably run with that all the way to a victory in the primary before being inevitably being trounced by whatever wishy-washy idiot we nominate.
It looks like he followed my advice: Edwards says Amanda and Melissa will stay.
Just leave yourself elbow room to fire them after the primary, Edwards... that's what a shrewd politician would do.
IMAO: Always Backing the Strong Horse
Phil Rossi is right now ahead by 18 votes in the Pickle Tales contest at Podcast Pickle. I'd like to think it was my support of him that made him take this huge lead over that meddling Jew, Laurence Simon.
You still have time (voting closes at noon) to participate in this contest and help the great America Phil Rossi win by even more. Just:
IMAO: We only back winners!
February 07, 2007
Perhaps the Best Show on at 2AM
Hot Air has clips of Greg Gutfeld's new show Red Eye (specifically of the ombudsman and Greg's mom). Also, here's Greg on what will be on tonight's show. I think it's important we support bloggers when they get TV shows so that one day maybe a network with less to lose than FOX News can take a chance on IMAO: The TV Show which would be a combination of hard news analysis and martial arts action.
Caught the first half hour of last night's show this morning and I think it's becoming more polished. I'll now upgrade it from "somewhat entertaining" to "quite entertaining." I liked how everyone made fun of Rachel for constantly bringing up "the liberals" as the cause of everything; some reason I just find that funny to happen on a right-wing news network.
Also, SarahK thinks the skinny panelist is gay while I think he's straight and just dorky and creepy. Anyone else want to weigh in?
Ends up FOX News' online site does have a page for Red Eye, so they do officially acknowledge its existence. You can find clips of the show there plus a link to the website of Red Eye's Canadian Ann Coulter.
In crisis there is opportunity
I've been thinking about Space Cadet Lisa Marie Nowak and the whole "What if an astronaut goes nuts and drives a thousand miles to stalk, kidnap, and kill their rival?" problem, and the solution is...
That's right: trained monkeys.
Because when it all comes down to it, when was the last time you saw a trained monkey put on a diaper and drive nearly a thousand miles to kidnap and kill the rival for its lover's affections?
Sure, you might think What about robots? Don't robots lack the emotional capacity for jealousy that could cause such a mental breakdown like this to take place?
Yes, but based on the annual obstacle course trials put on by DARPA for robot-controlled vehicles, the possibility of a robot driving a thousand miles is slowly but surely becoming a reality.
Also, programming a robot to kidnap and kill someone is about 150 lines of code in C, I hear.
Heck, it's a native API in Vista now. (Still no RSS feed handlers for Windows Media Player, though)
And then there's the diaper. We all know that putting a diaper on a robot is child's play. It's an option at the factory, next to titantium shielding and laser-eyes.
But trained monkeys? There's absolutely no way a monkey is going to drive a thousand miles. And even if you teach them to drive a thousand miles, they're going to get pulled over and busted for not having insurance. (Not even Geico will insure monkey drivers)
Teaching a monkey to stalk, kidnap and kill someone is another matter entirely. I've tried doing that as a way to bump off FrankJ, but the monkey usually ends up trying to kill Harvey, or it ends up playing with himself in the corner for an hour.
Monkey assassins? Not likely.
Wearing a diaper, though, that's also kind of easy to get a monkey to do.
He'll try to wear it on his head, sure, but that's just a technicality.
Are Muslim Kids Learning?
A Saudi Arabia funded school in Britain uses a textbook which describes Jews as "apes" and Christians as "pigs." As a Christian, I find this offensive. This is either implying that, because I'm a Christian, I'm a pig (I'm not) or that because I'm not a pig, I'm not really a Christian (also not true). I think Jews won't like being called apes either, and I IM'd Lair about this (Christians are allowed one Jewish friend) and his response was to toss leaves in the air and then pound his chest in an angry manner.
Now, before I get too judgmental, I should note that the Christian textbooks I had in school said the Muslims were "echidnas." This is also not true. While Muslims are small mammals and can often be quite spiky, Muslims do not lay eggs. By the seventh grade, that passage had been crossed out, though.
We have to be careful what we are teaching kids - even the Muslims ones - and misidentifying the species of Jews and Christians is just one of the problem of the Muslim textbook in question. Here are some other things it says that could be a problem for impressionable youths:
* "Warnings against sticking your finger in a electric socket are part of the Zionist conspiracy."
While it is true that part of the Zionist conspiracy is making sure their kids are not electrocuted (electrocuted kids can't grow up to seize Muslim land), Zionists honestly don't care if Muslims kids stick their fingers in sockets.
* "If you drink everything under the kitchen sink, you'll gain superpowers."
There are in fact very few recorded instances of this happening. This myth was mostly likely spread by companies that make liquid drain cleaners hoping to force parents to buy more of their product after their kids wastefully drank it all.
* "A faithful Muslim needs not look both ways before crossing the street as Allah will guide him to safety."
Only partially true. While Allah will look left and then right before guiding a faithful Muslim child across the street, Allah always forgets to look left once again after looking to the right. The preferred safe way to cross the street is to look left, then right, and then check left again, which a child will have to do himself.
* "Fear not if you are lost, young child, for Allah shall send a stranger to give you a ride."
Completely untrue. Allah may - may - give you cab fare if you pray really hard, but kids really should have cellphones these days.
I guess we Americans should get Muslims kids in Britain better text books with like math and stuff in them, but, then again, those kids will just grow up hating us all the more for the extra homework.
Keep Their Grubby Little Hands Off Our Internet
I was watching a show the other day which mentioned how kids can't seem to avoid porn online (actually, it was the premiere episode of Greg Gutfeld's show Red Eye; my DVR said FOX News was having a rerun of Shepherd Smith at 2am, but this was completely different than that), and that got me thinking: Why do we let kids use our internet?
I didn't have internet when I was a kid, and I was just fine. I made due with my video games and my laser tag - things that may seem primitive to kids these days, but they kept us entertained. So why do kids need the internet now? They don't. The internet is full of lots of uncontrolled adult information which is not going to change, so why not just keep kids off it. Not only will it be good for them, I don't want them messing with the internet. Sometimes I go to Wikipedia in the hopes of gaining actual information, and the last thing I need is some seven-year-old messing with the entry on baryonic particles. I also don't want kids intruding into a forum where we're having an adult discussion about video game systems to tell me that "The Wii sucks!" No, it doesn't. You suck.
Let's make it illegal for kids to use the internet. When they're old enough, they can apply for a learner's permit and use the internet under supervision. When of proper age and having passed a test proving they can use the internet responsibly and not open spam e-mails, they can then get a license for full internet usage. Kids may not like this, but they're small and stupid and have to do what we tell them.
Attention Greg Gutfeld:
You be nicer to your mom, or I'm gonna start snarking your show. But please do stay on the air, because I think Frank has agreed to Tivo your show the night before and play it in the morning, which means I will no longer be subjected to Fox & Friends against my will when I wake up. And I do so appreciate that.
To Be Known Hereafter As "The 'A' Word"
Lynette Clemetson of the New York Times claims that it's offensive for white people to refer to Barack Obama as "articulate", because when they do, what they REALLY mean is "he's articulate... for a black guy".
Which is racist, because it's just another way of saying that black people are inarticulate.
While I confess that I've previously used the A-word to describe Obama, I want to make it VERY clear that I did NOT intend it as a blanket insult to Melanin-Enhanced-Americans.
What I MEANT was that he's articulate... for a Democrat - i.e. he doesn't mumble like Ted Kennedy or have inexplicable screaming fits like Howard Dean.
Personally, I think it's crazy to assume that every compliment is actually a disguised insult to a person's race. It might be an insult to an entirely different group of which the complimented victim is a member.
Which is why I hate it when people say I'm "nice". I know what they REALLY mean:
So please... don't use the N-word when referring to me any more.
American Idol Six - San Antonio auditions
I'll not thank all the people who chose to further that stupid stereotype that we all ride horses for a living and brush our teeth with horsehair toothbrushes while singing Rawhide at the top of our lungs.
First up tonight is Bryan Kyrish of San Antonio, screaming "Rebel Yell", and my vocal chords are having sympathy pains.
Haley Scarnato is next, and she's very pretty. Pretty girl, pretty voice. Not outstanding, but the judges say, "Well, you don't suck, so welcome to Hollywood." Seems to be a theme this year.
Oh my goodness, 10 points that don't count for anything to the first person who finds me the YouTube video of this!! It's beautiful. Jasmine Holland's family has made a poster for their girl. "Jasmine's Are Next American Idol!" I read it and reread it and kept looking for nouns at the end of the sentence or something to make that a correct exclamatory sentence, and then I realized. Oh. And on national television. How sad for them. Ok, so let's make fun! I hope they're from out of state. Please don't let them be from Texas, because it really sounds like an Oklahoma thing to do. Or at least... you know... an Aggie thing.
Now watch, I'll do it before the end of this blog post. But hey, they thought about this poster and probably traced it out with pencil first. I mean, it's on posterboard! Mine is on little teeny pixels!
Now, the singing is awful, and I don't want to make fun of that. And the judges, Simon in particular, are laughing. But Simon is laughing before she ever starts singing, so it just snowballs once she starts. I actually felt sorry for her while she was singing, because the judges were having the giggle-fits before she ever got going, but then once she started running her mouth and flinging the insults once it was all over, I changed my mind. Especially since she was from San Antonio, and that made me mad, because she embarrassed my state and all. Jasmine, You Our* Not My Next American Idol. *on purpose
Baylie Brown is from Krum and is only 16. When they do the whole life on the ranch thing, I'm scared, but she's the anti-Kellie, because she doesn't pretend to not know anything about anything. She's the little It-girl, fashion-lover, knows she doesn't belong in a small town. When she's singing, she reminds me of Natalie Maines, except prettier, with a stronger voice that doesn't itch and doesn't twang as hard (thank goodness). I did notice that she started rolling through the song like a freight train, and it got a little scary for me. I started screaming, "Slow down! Slow down!" halfway through. Does it go like that? I wasn't familiar with the song, but talk about your accelerandos.
Speaking of Latin, tonight we watched last night's CSI: Horatio, and oh my goodness, Delko!!! Are you kidding me? I will be so upset if he is dead. He is one of my favorite characters. Clavo Cruz better watch out for me and Calleigh and Horatio, because I don't know who is more ticked off about that. I needed serious comforting after we watched that.
William Green from Dallas just isn't sure which key he wants to use for "Amazing Grace", and that sort of offends me. Too funny, he's so nice about being told no, and then when he leaves, he says, "Now when I leave, I'm gonna talk trash, but that's just for the camera, ok?" And the judges tell him, ok, represent! And he goes out yelling and talking trash, and it's funny, and the judges are cracking up. I forgive him for utterly destroying "Amazing Grace".
I mean, seriously. They can't kill off Ryan instead? I really liked him at first, but he started getting all whiney after he shot himself in the eye with the nail gun. And he gets preachy and stupid occasionally. I'm just sayin', if they have to kill off a CSI, why not him? Horatio has already lost his brother and his wife. It is just wrong for him to also lose his brother-in-law, even if he was only married for about five minutes before Delko's sister was killed.
Oh yes. American Idol. Akron Watson is William Green's cousin and is also from Dallas. He's a much better singer than his cousin, but yes, Simon is correct. No personality, boring when he's not singing. So Paula suggests he start singing again to keep Simon interested, and he sings "Let's Get it On". Yawn. But Simon is impressed, and he's through to Hollywood. He is very happy.
Sandie Chavez of Houston. I think that's supposed to be "Black Velvet". I mean, I recognize those words, but that is not the tune. I think that's the sound Minerva makes when Rowdi gets too close to her. Wow, it's an all-out breakdown from her.
Ashlyn Carr from Sugarland. Is that two words? I always thought it was one. She sings, and I'm typing and doing other things, so I'm not watching her, so it sounds good to me. Randy and Paula both pass on her because of her facial expressions, and I'm really confused because she sounded really good, but again, I wasn't watching. As she's leaving, Simon says he would have said yes, then he tells the other two judges that they made a mistake. She's already out at the street, and Seacrest has to flag her down, because Randy and Paula are like, ok, ok, maybe we should give her another shot. Ok, I rewound. The facial expressions are over the top, but I'm pretty sure that can be fixed. She's just hamming and doing what I'll bet her choir teacher told her to do. You know why they went and got her back? Because she didn't start cussing and throwing a fit. It's nice how she responded to the rejection.
Ok, so she comes back in and sings another song for them. Simon tells her she has very bad habits but she's too good to pass up. Randy likes her because she's unique. Paula says she has bad habits (don't we all, Ms. Abdul?). Oh, and while Simon is talking to her, he's rubbing all over his chest like he's trying to rub seasoning into a plump, whole chicken. Get those seasonings in there good, Simon! Rub in that salt and pepper! And when they tell her she's going to Hollywood is when she should jump across the table and kiss them all, but she barely even thanks them. She crosses herself and saunters out the door.
Jimmy McNeal from Waxahachie is the last auditioner, and he's singing "Cupid". He has a very nice voice. Very strong. Haha. He's going to Hollywood, and he tells his daughter, "I'm going to Hollywood." Her response is, "So?"
*sigh* Ryan just said something about the people who made it to Hollywood from Texas and then said, "Will we have another American Idol from the south?" If you're implying that Texas is in the south, Ryan, I'm not sure how many times you need to be told. I'm sure I've said it before. First of all, Texas stands alone. Second of all, if you must lump Texas in with a region, it's in the southwest. Not the south. I do not put sugar in my tea. That is disgusting.
Tomorrow, my DVR says that AI will be the best auditions of the season. Is that a trick to get me in the door, and then they show me the worst ones? Either way I suppose I'll watch.
February 06, 2007
Reverend Ted Haggard Now Heterosexual
Enjoying his first day of freedom, Mr. Haggard said, "I'm just gonna go out and hang out at a bar, and chew on a candy bar and see who I meet."
If he is offered any meth, the Rev has promised to "throw it away."
Going down in bright, pretty flames...
I was down by 7 votes in the Pickle Tales storytelling competition.
So FrankJ got out the word.
Now I'm down by eleven.
As a result, I've been forced to dig into my bag of dirty tricks and come up with some short campaign pieces to motivate you, the apathetic non-voting online public:
Thank you for your support. Even you, FrankJ, although it has resulted in my slipping backwards into further oblivion, despair, and defeat.
(Maybe Kos could raise money for my opponent?)
Phil made this poster for the event.
The man's now trying to show up Kevin!
...I will break him...
I have completed the first chapter of Hellbender and am working on the second chapter. After SarahK looks over the first chapter and corrects the grammar so it doesn't seem like a three-year-old wrote it, I'll put it up in the Slush section of Baen's Bar for those who want to help critique it. You'll need to register for the forum to participate, but it only takes a minute and I've never gotten bothered by them on the e-mail address I provided.
Writing is a passion of mine but I have a lot to learn. Any help in critiquing will be especially appreciated, and you'll earn extra IMAO Bonus Points which are redeemable for free IMAO posts.
Giuliani: He'll Kill the Terrorists, But Is That Enough?
So, what to make of Rudy Giuliani? Well, one thing you can't argue about is how effective he was as mayor, especially if you're someone like me who knew both pre-Giuliani and post-Giuliani New York. That city was a mess under Dinkins and New Yorkers had accepted getting stabbed as just part of city life. Then Giuliani came in and cleaned up the place from the bottom up, once famously beating to death a group of panhandlers with a tire iron. Getting stabbed became so uncommon as to actually be newsworthy again.
Will Giuliani clean up terrorism like he did crime? I think so. They attacked his city while he was mayor, and he is very angry at them. You can tell by his eyes he wants nothing more than to personally hurt terrorists. If he ever saw a terrorist, you know he would knock the terrorist to the ground and stomp on him and hit him with whatever was at hand - probably a metal trashcan. In many way, this is exactly the sort of president we need.
But what about other issues that social conservatives like me care about? While he says he firmly supports legalized abortion, he claims he would have made the same judicial appointments as President Bush. If you believe him, then a lot of social conservatives could live with that. Then there's his social life, and Republicans really don't want to elect their own Clinton. How do we know he won't embarrass us there, and how much do we care in a time of war?
Then there's the issue that concerns both social conservatives and libertarians: Guns. When interviewed by Sean Hannity last night, he said he's for states making their own laws but stuck by New York's gun control laws saying they were appropriate for a densely populated area. In other words, he's for gun rights except in places where you're likely to need a gun for self-defense. That's disturbing to me, because I see a stance on gun rights as an indicator of how someone views American freedom in general.
I trust Giuliani on the terrorists killing issue - the most important issue - but how many failings in other areas are allowed before a personal desire to step on terrorists' necks is not enough? What do you think?
Eat A Tasty Animal For PETA Day: March 15, 2007
Ingrid Newkirk's PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) claims to be an animal rights group, but their outrageous headline-grabbing tactics are rarely more than criminal thuggery laced with fits of blatant bloody-handed hypocrisy.
In response to the "Holocaust On Your Plate" media campaign that mocked the Holocaust, blogger Meryl Yourish responded with "Eat A Tasty Animal For PETA Day" (EATAPETA) campaign on March 15, 2003. Bloggers and non-bloggers are invited to revolt against PETA's ham-fisted tactics by eating animals on this day.
This year will be the Fifth Annual International Eat an Animal for Peta Day. Join us - it will be delicious.
But wait... how can you join in the fun?
Go to the Eat A Tasty Animal For PETA Day Homepage and look for a gatheringplace in your town. If your town is not listed yet, well, why not let us know when and where you will be hosting a gathering.
Sure, you can eat animal food products all by your lonesome, but you are encouraged to organize an promote your own gatheringplace to celebrate the carnivore side of your omnivorous nature.
If Laurence Simon Loses, So Does America
As you may know, Laurence Simon has made it to the final round of the Pickle Tales contest at Podcast Pickle. What you don't know is all that's at stake hear. First, Laurence has worked hard in all these rounds and learned awesome new editing skills. He plans to revive the IMAO Podcast, and, if you listened to any of his entires, you can just imagine how great it will now be with his editing. But, if he loses this contest, he's going to fall into a bout of depression from which he quite possibly will never recover. Not only will there be no new podcasts, there will be no more posts. You'll come to IMAO and exclaim, "Where's the Jewishness?" for it will be no where to be found.
But who will celebrate? Terrorists, that's who. Reportedly, they've already prepped their guns to fire in the air when their favorite, Phil "Muhammad" Rossi, beats the "scheming IMAO Jew." Rossi, Lair's competition, hates puppies and loves terrorists (who also hate puppies). Winning this podcast contest we would be a huge boon for terrorism, while if Lair wins it might finally break their morale and let Israel occupy all of the Middle East as they've always planned.
The Zionist conspiracy depends on it!
Right now, seven votes separate Lair from the top spot. Every vote counts!
February 05, 2007
Needles of fire!
Needles of fire on 24 tonight!
If only Quentin Tarantino had been there to administer them instead of Jack Bauer!
My full snark of the episode will be up tomorrow, but we watched Heroes first, and it's late, and I want to get to bed at a decent hour.
How Impotent Is That?
So now the Democrats are a majority in Congress and they can't even get a non-binding resolution passed. If they can't even be counted on for symbolic gestures, what exactly are they good for?
Vote in the IMAO PrecinctPajamas Media will be running a presidential straw poll up until the primary elections, and you get to vote once a week based on your own fickle biases. PJM will also keep track of precincts, with each blog being a precinct. So, this is the IMAO precinct, the most happening precinct around. So, vote!
I'll be interested to hear who you vote for and why, especially on the Democratic side. Also, if you vote for Hagel on the Republican side, I'll harm you and maybe your family too. As for me, I vote for whoever has the nicest hair... just like most of the public! Sorry, Guiliani, but I don't think America is ready for a balding president.
How will terrorists react to a non-binding resolution opposing a troop build up in Iraq?
Wowed by the open and honest debate we have about military issues in America, they will most likely surrender.
Ducky Reviews the "Commercials"
Iíve never trusted Prudential. As far as Iím concerned, thereís something about being established and well respected that sends up a red flag. My suspicions were confirmed this morning when I read Michelle Malkinís latest post.
Turns out that at the New York Times (Motto: Our Nuclear Launch Code Is # 2211B17110Z4 *) they seem to be concerned that 'A Rock' and 'Iraq' seem to sound alike and there might be something more going on.
Well, I donít care.
Iím here to review the commercials and thatís that.
Doritos. (Bold. Smooth. Crunch.) This commercial starts off with a guy cruising and checking out a girl walking down the road. HE crashes and then something happens and she gets into trouble too. Crash?
Bud Light. Rock Paper Scissors. Hey. Rock. Thatís sounds like Iraq too! Maybe the Wacky Times is onto something. Two guys grab the same beer at the same time. They decide to do rock, paper, scissors. Turns out that one of these guys uses a real rock and bonks the other one on the head. Is this funny? Is this some sort of symbol of Sunni/Shiite repression?
Blockbuster Video. Some animals are trying to use the internet by using a real mouse. The mouse wants to live in peace and study its Koran. Is this a symbol of something?
Sierra Mist: Combover. I didnít notice any combover and itís rude to mention it. Those of you who have full heads of hair should get off your rosy little pedestals and come down to earth.
Snickers: Two mechanics work their way toward the middle of a candy bar. They end up kissing.
FedEx. Bad News: America has invaded the moon under false pretenses so that the American Business Empire can expand its corporately greedy sticky fingers and mine it for oil or something. Good News: FedEx can help you save on shipping.
Katie Couric for the CBS Evening news. This is hilarious. She is so funny. ďWeíll tell you whatís happening in the world.Ē I kept expecting them to cut away to a scene of her playing badminton or something.
Budweiser: The Little White Dog sitting there like a poor starving Iraqi boy, who was probably better off under Saddam Hussein, sees a parade and is jealous off the Dalmatians riding up in the cars with the participants. Poor doggie gets splashed with mud and sees himself in spots. He then joins the parade as a Dalmation where he gets mud all over the Parade Queen.
GoDaddy.com. We see a man telling us about godaddy.com and how we can have domain names for dirt cheap. He then shows us the marketing department where we see girls with wet T-shirts. In another reference to Iraq, the girls have rock hard nipples!
Chevrolet: (Old motto: Like ďa rockĒ) A bunch of ladies pull up to the stoplight. This makes men salivate and want to strip and touch their car. Itís funny to see an old with a concave chest and his clavicles sticking out. Was that an old man, or was that Nicole Richie? Iíll have to check the video.
CareerBuilder.com: These were funny commercials. Survivor meets the job promotion. The guy with the hat made from a binder was priceless.
Well, that's it for the review. You people should stop seeing so much into things and just sit back and enjoy the show. There's a new one coming up with lots of Dinosaurs. They're going to feature my favorite one: The Iranisnex.
Frank Analysis: Liberal Blogs and Vulgarity
Amanda Marcotte of the popular liberal blog Pandagon was hired by the John Edwards campaign. When Marcotte's posts were subsequently scrutinized, many were surprised to see that her writing consisted solely of a combination of angry swearing and casual swearing. Those more familiar with liberal blogs were not so surprised as profanity laced rants has always seemed to be the norm on that side of the blogosphere. This may seem odd to some as it would be expected that the most popular political blogs would contain intelligent analysis of the issues of the day, and both anger and the use of vulgarity often indicative of the opposite of careful analysis. The right side of the blogosphere conforms with this, as the most popular political blogs there are seldom angry or vulgar. In fact, the only time I've seen Glenn Reynolds go off into a stream of obscenities is when I met him in person.
Now, this isn't just a moral issue, as many of the right-wing blogs are not socially conservative and it's assumed the authors have no moral problem with swearing. Thus, those who eschew vulgarity seem to do so more out of societal expectations that the liberal bloggers seem immune to. Now, there are bloggers on the right who do use vulgarity and rant and there are liberal bloggers who do calm analysis that could be read on national TV, but if you look at the most popular blogs on both the right and the left, one is left with the feeling that angry swearing harms ones credibility on the right while it's expected on the left. Obscenity by them is used in everything including hot button issues, fiscal analysis, and cat-blogging. Looking also at commenters for the various sites even drives this point home further. While swearing is more common on both sides from commenters, the left almost seems incapable of writing a sentence without using vulgarity. Were one to use Democratic Underground;s forum as an example, you'd think liberals are incapably of understanding simple nouns unless they are bookended with swear words. It's almost like a typing form of Tourette's syndrome.
So, why is this? Here are the most common hypotheses in the psychological community:
* Liberals Put a Strong Emphasis on Feelings: It's a common trope among conservatives that liberals care less about facts and more about feelings. While this is easily dismissed as partisan rancor, it does contribute to an explanation of the use of vulgarity in liberal blog posts. Vulgarity is an easy way to express strong feelings on an issue and create a bond with the reader, but only if the reader finds vulgarity to be acceptable in the situation. This was confirmed by the Shchedrov Institute by measuring brain patterns when someone is exposed to a vulgar rant and also when someone converses with a well known friend. When the subject is not adverse to vulgarity and also was similarly concerned with the subject being ranted about, the brain patterns during the rant were a close match to the brain patterns when conversing with a friend. There were no controls for political bias, though.
* Limited Vocabulary: There is a condition (Tizon's syndrome) that affects the part of the brain used for organizing words and severely limits the sufferer's ability to work with a large vocabulary. The sufferer often resorts to using the same words over and over for different purposes in something commonly known as "Smurf Syndrome." The most versatile words in the English language are swears as they can often be used in place of any adjective and noun and thus are used as crutches for those with Tizon's Syndrome when searching for the appropriate word.
There aren't definitive figures on what percentage of the population has Tizon's Syndrome, but the incidents of it are thought to have increased in the past few decades due to some acne medications with unknown effects on pregnancies. An analysis of liberal blogs seems to show that many of the writers suffer from this disease. If one discounts proper nouns, the blogger known as Kos has used only 3,285 different words in all his years of blogging. In contrast, Danny Murphy, a 10-year-old who blogs about Pokemon, uses over 12,000 different words in the course of a week. If one were to accept that many liberal bloggers and blog readers have Tizon's Syndrome, that still doesn't explain why they would drift to the liberal side of politics, though.
* They Have the Brains of Chickens: It's common knowledge among the scientific community that if you took a chicken and somehow gave it a human speech center without affecting the rest of the chicken's brain, the chicken would then proceed to spew forth nothing but vulgarity peppered with the occasional ethnic slur in results extremely similar to liberal blog posts. This would seem to indicate many liberals have the brains of chickens, but the mental processes used in speaking strings of swear words is much different than that of typing swear words, so the answer is most likely more complex.
* They're Dumb and They Smell: The most common hypothesis offered in the comments to my blog are that liberals are dumb and they smell. Now, well it is usual to make a judgment of someone's intelligence based on his or her writing, judging the odor of a writer is not an easy thing to do. Still, it can't be denied that when reading the rants of liberal bloggers, one cannot help but assume these writers smell in some sort of unflattering away. While it is possible for someone to be both dumb and smell bad but still speak in a polite manner, numerous scientific studies confirm a high correlation between vulgarity and being dumb and smelly.
So, to use Occam's Razor, the simplest explanation for all the angry profanity on the liberal side of the blogosphere is that all those people are dumb and smell.
Another Botched Joke
When Frank said
I say it's either time to retire this football thing or come up with some new type of play (maybe one where they roll the ball).
What he meant to say was, "I say this football thing is a quagmire, have we really tried to understand why the NFC hates the AFC? Have we totally given up on trying to negotiate a peace? The civil war in the National Football League was caused by another failed attempt by the Bush administration at nation building that has gotten us stuck, in Iraq, like president Bush. Who is neither articulate, African-American or clean."
Sorry for the confusion. We at IMAO love football. For that matter we love all sports including NASCAR.
Of course when I say sports, I'm excluding soccer, c'mon that's not a sport.
The Final Showdown
The final round of Pickle Tales at Podcast Pickle is up.
I swore an oath before the first round that I'd pull a Terrance and Phillip in the final round, and I stuck by that oath.
So, here's what you need to do:
There will be three promos appearing on the 100 Word Stories Podcast feed in the next three days for your amusement.
Thank you for your support so far, and thank you to Phil Rossi for being a more-than-worthy opponent.
Now that this thing is nearly over, I can concentrate on helping bring the IMAO Podcast back to life.
February 04, 2007
What is this, PricewaterhouseCoopers?
You'd think the football field were a public accounting firm with the amount of turnover(s) we've seen on the field tonight.
And GO COLTS!
(I can't take full credit for it. Frank and I work as a team sometimes.)
While you're watching the big game tonight, here's a discussion topic: Has football run it's course?
They can run the ball and they can throw the ball. Also, they can at times kick the ball. After forty-one years of Super Bowls, haven't we see every single variation of those plays? Really, what new and exciting thing can they do?
Nothing. I say it's either time to retire this football thing or come up with some new type of play (maybe one where they roll the ball).
What do you think?
February 03, 2007
Whatever It Is, It's Funny!
Remember Amanda of Pandagon who between her and her commenters spent about eighty pages trying to figure out where one of my posts was technically a satire? Well, the Edwards campaign snatched her up because of her "insightful and often humorous political blogging" (Question: When a candidate tries to portray himself as a warrior for the working class and then builds himself a 28,000 square foot home, is that technically a satire?).
Anyway, as one would expect with these Kos types, fuss has already begun about her previous posts embarrassing the Edwards campaign with futile efforts of cover up in the era of the Google cache. The Puppy Blender has links.
If some campaign ever hired me, I wonder how far I could get on the "I was joking!" defense when my previous posts come under scrutiny? I really do want to nuke the moon, but I'll deny whatever I need to if it will get me paid.
Here's her setting up a strawman and then deleting any comments challenging her. If you can't take the heat...
What is Mahmoud Abbas Praying For? #22
It's Friday, so... um...
Okay, it's Saturday. Got a little drunk last night.
Anyway, you know it's time for the wire services to post the non sequitur non-news story of Mahmoud Abbas praying at a mosque.
However, this week's different... this week we're going to start a new feature called:
So, from Mahmoud Abbas' expressions, can you tell what Mahmoud Abbas is praying for?
a) Is someone making microwave popcorn in the building? That stuff always smells so gooooooooood. Why do they have to pop it during prayers?
b) The guy next to him to stop shoving. I swear, if he keeps this up, I'm going to appoint him head of Force 17 in Gaza.
c) Rachel Corrie's parents to hug and kiss him like they did to Yasser. Can't they just understand that all he wants is a little love?
d) NONE OF THE ABOVE
Put your guesses in the comments.
February 02, 2007
Since it's Friday, I thought I'd spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka "I-MEOW").
Super Bowl Sunday is this weekend, and all of the other IMAO bloggers are getting ready to celebrate along with... with... um...
Okay, so I don't follow the NFL too closely anymore. I guess that's why they have me hauling bags of ice and chopping wood.
Anyway, it's time for Piper the Aware:
If you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Piper is... um...
Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.
You can find more examples of Friday catblogging by searching a blog search engine such as Technorati for "catblogging."
Then, when the weekend is nearly over, head over to The Carnival of the Cats for more kitty goodness.
Anybody I miss?
WHAT REALLY HAPPENED
We don't have an outside electrical outlet, so we have to run a cord in through a patio door to power the lights.
Piper appears to be guarding it for absolutely no reason whatsoever.
She was kinda goofy that way.
Fun Facts About Vermont
While the IMAO podcast is still MIA, I'm going to keep posting the latest uncut Fun Facts About The 50 States - hopefully on a weekly(ish) schedule.
Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting - yet completely useless, and probably untrue - information about each of the 50 states.
This week, we'll be going to the only state that serves maple syrup at communion services as we visit Vermont. So let's get started...
Vermont became the 14th state on March 4, 1791 after they finally stopped holding out for having the state represented on the flag by a maple leaf.
The stoner-rock band Phish got its start in Burlington, Vermont. It has a cult-like following similar to that of the Greatful Dead, except fewer of Phish's fans are old enough to have taken the brown acid at Woodstock.
Vermont gets its name from the French words "verts monts", which mean "green mountains" and are the only two words in the language which don't translate roughly as "we surrender".
Vermont's capital of Montpelier has a population of under 9,000 people, which means there's always plenty of parking for filthy hippies when they show up to protest whatever it is that's pissing them off this week.
Montpelier is the only state capital in the US without a McDonald's, which - technically - makes it a backwards, third-world hellhole. Expect Sally Struthers to be doing some "save the children" commercials for the place sometime soon.
Vermont has a cows-to-people ratio of 10 to 1, which makes me suspect that the absence of a Montpelier McDonald's is due to heavy lobbying by Big Cow.
Vermont's two biggest employees are Ben & Jerry's and IBM. IBM actually has trouble attracting workers, since it offers its habitually-baked-at-lunch hippie labor pool fewer opportunities to assuage their munchies by nibbling on the company product.
Vermont was, at various times in its history, claimed by both New Hampshire and New York. However, like the skunk, it escaped these predators by emitting a New-Jersey-like odor.
Until 1996, Vermont was the only state without a Wal-Mart, leaving fat women in lime-green stretch pants wandering the streets without a place to gather, gossip, and ignore their crying children.
Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream company has always given their ice cream waste to local farmers to feed their hogs. However, since Ben & Jerry's was acquired by the multi-billion dollar business conglomorate Unilever in 2000, the hogs have refused to eat it, citing the bitter, corporate-sellout taste.
While living in Vermont in the 1890's, author Rudyard Kipling invented the game of snow golf. It's played by cursing and throwing your clubs while searching for a white ball in a snowbank.
Born in Plymouth, Vermont, in 1872, Calvin Coolidge is the only US president born on the 4th of July, and thus the only president to get the free Yankee Doodle Dandy Birthday Sundae from the White House Cafeteria.
Vermont's state capitol building is one of the few to have a gold-covered dome. At the peak of the dome stands a stature of Ceres, the Greek goddess of pancake toppings.
Over 70 percent of Vermont traffic tickets issued in 1996 were given to male drivers, most of whom were speeding because they were late picking up their fat-assed wives from Wal-Mart.
Ida May Fuller of Brattleboro, Vermont, was the first US citizen to collect a Social Security check. After paying in $100 during her working years, she collected over $20,000 after she retired, giving her a return on investment nearly that of a Hillary Clinton cattle futures purchase.
Wildlife biologists estimate that as many as five out of six deer can die during a hard winter in Vermont. Although this sounds harsh and cruel, it's just nature's way of ensuring that Vermont's many ski resorts have enough moguls.
Vermont is the largest producer of maple syrup in the US. This keeps America from having to rely on inferior Canadian syrup, which is frequently tainted with impurities such as benzene or socialism.
Vermont does not allow billboard advertising because it interferes with the natural beauty of the state's scenery. Companies get around this by sponsoring signs at anti-war protests, like "Make Love, Not War! - Buy Viagra!".
Vermont has more ski resorts than any other state in the US. Although this sounds harsh and cruel, it's just nature's way of keeping down the Kennedy population.
Part of the movie Beetlejuice was filmed in Vermont. The afterlife waiting room scene was shot using people returning from a Phish concert in order to save money on costumes & makeup.
The Vermont area was first explored by Frenchman Samuel de Champlain, who claimed it for his home country after noting with approval how many deer surrendered to starvation every year.
In 1916, Barre, Vermont elected a socialist mayor. This ushered in 4 frightening years when their syrup was inferior to Canada's.
Inventor John Deere was born in Rutland, Vermont, in 1804. He invented the lawnmover in 1872 and the shredded foot in 1873.
Brigham Young and Joseph Smith were both born in Vermont. They founded the Mormon church shortly after being unable to make a go of Brigham & Joseph's Ice Cream. Possibly because of such unpopular flavor offerings as Bible Bangin' Banana and Sodom & Gomorrah Surprise.
On July 2, 1777, Vermont became the first state to abolish slavery. The newly freed black man was reportedly overjoyed.
The first postage stamp issued in the US was made in Battleboro, Vermont, in 1846. Prior to this, postage payment was indicated by having a hole shot in the corner of the envelope by a disgruntled employee.
The first person to cross the entire US by automobile was Dr. H. Nelson Jackson of Burlington, Vermont. Arriving in New York 2 months after leaving San Francisco, his first words were, "Outta my way! I gotta whiz like a racehorse!".
The first Boy Scout troop was organized in Barre, Vermont in 1909 by William F. Milne, who made millions forcing the boys to earn their "indentured servant" merit badges.
The first ski chairlift was used on Vermont's Mt. Mansfield in 1940. Prior to this, skiers ascended the slopes using tow ropes attached to indentured Boy Scouts.
The first Head Start Program, which prepares underprivileged preschool children for elementary school, was started in East Fairfield, Vermont. The original curriculum consisted simply of telling the kids repeatedly throughout the day, "get used to failure, losers!".
The singing Von Trapp family - whose flight from Austria was made famous in the movie "The Sound of Music" - eventually settled in Stowe, Vermont, because it reminded them of the country they left behind, which also consisted of ski slopes full of snooty, Jew-hating WASP's.
That wraps up the Vermont edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be surrounded by bleached blond surfers who say "dude!" with a southern accent as we visit Virginia.
Now if you'll excuse me, I've gotta go get paid for my "No Blood For Oil! Exxon Takes VISA!" sign.
[The complete e-book version of "Fun Facts About the 50 States" is now available at Amazon.com. If you don't have a Kindle, you can download free Kindle apps for your web browser, smartphone, computer, or tablet from Amazon.com]
Going Further Than Simply Not Supporting the Troops
I haven't said anything about that post by William Arkin of the Washington Post where he basically calls the military a bunch of ungrateful mercenaries (as I've said before, if you're not a chickenhawk, then they'll find some other way to dismiss your opinion). I wasn't sure what to say because the post and his follow up is so over the top it's like a piece of performance art.
February 01, 2007
Balding Hedgehog Speaks Out
Larry the Hedgehog, cousin to famous Groundhog Punxsutawney Phil, today blamed his hair loss on global warming.
ďLife is tough for me every since Iíve started losing my fur. People call me baboon head and all sort of other mean names,Ē said Larry, who normally doesnít talk but adapted because of need.
For now, Larry is getting by and is even looking at compensating for his hair loss. ďIím looking at getting a hot sports car.Ē
In My World: Pimp Slapping the Media Whore
Senator Hagel stared straight into the camera. "I want the American people to know that the President has made a disaster in Iraq, and thus I oppose the surge."
"Now, Senator Hagel," Chris Wallace, "what do you say to... uh... could you face me please?"
Hagel grudgingly turned from the camera to look at Wallace.
"What do you say to your critics who say since the build up to war in Iraq and until now you've been nothing but a media whore and a douche?"
Hagel turned back to the camera. "When someone has the courage to say what needs to be said, he will inevitably come under attack." He looked back to Wallace. "Can you set it up so I can see myself on TV as I talk?"
President Bush turned off the TV. "I don't think I like Chuck Hagel. How much do you think it would cost to fire him into the sun?"
"The lowest bid I got was five billion dollars," Condoleezza Rice said.
Bush thought about that. "That's a lot of money."
Condi shrugged. "The more time goes by, the less it seems."
"Eh, I guess firing him into the sun is a bad idea," Bush said. "We need to worry about getting back the majority in the Senate, plus a big space launch will only give him the media attention he so craves. Maybe since he likes to get his face on TV, an ironic punishment would be to burn his face off with acid."
"Acid is cheaper," Condi said, "but you always end up inhaling the fumes and waking up in a hospital bed."
"Yeah, I'm no good with acid. How about we have Rumsfeld's angry dog attack him. Media whore's make him angry. Very angry."
"Rumsfeld resigned, remember? You now have Robert Gates has your Secretary of Defense."
"Oh. Does he have an angry dog?"
"Not to my knowledge."
"How about some sort of agitated cat, then?"
Condi shook her head.
"Well, I'll just have to think of some appropriate ironic way to get back at that annoying media whore." Bush put on his thinking cowboy hat. "You'll have to leave me alone with my thoughts, Condi. By the way, did I ever tell you how clean you are?"
"I'm leaving now."
* * * *
"Things are complicated, Tim," Hagel said.
"You've been saying they are complicated since before the war," Tim Russert responded. "Are things now even more complicatedier?"
"Well... that's complicated."
A wrecking ball smashed through the set, hitting Hagel and sending him barreling into a camera. In through the new hole walked President Bush. "Ha!" he shouted as he pointed at Hagel.
"Did you just hit Senator Hagel with a wrecking ball?" Russert asked in disbelief.
"I sure did!" Bush said proudly. "It was an ironic punishment for him being such a media whore."
"How was that ironic."
Bush shrugged. "Uh... because he never like getting hit with a wrecking ball."
"You don't know what irony means, do you?"
"Hey, I'm not stupid!" Bush shouted. "I obviously know how to work a wrecking ball as I only smashed three other buildings before I hit this one proper." Bush looked to Hagel. "You think he's dead?"
"Wrecking balls can have that effect," Russert said.
Bush looked to Hagel again. "I wonder if I should do something." He thought for a moment. "I think I'll go get lunch."
I'm not exactly sure how to react to the death of Molly Ivins other than reading some of her writing last night to Nardo before nodding off to sleep.
With the passing of Ann Richards and now Molly Ivins, the rare Tough Texas Broad is all that more rare a bird.
I may not have agreed with everything she said over the years, although she was dead-on about George "Shrub" Bush being a piss-poor governor during his tenure here.
He had this to say about her publicly:
Molly Ivins was a Texas original. She was loved by her readers and by her many friends, particularly in Central Texas. I respected her convictions, her passionate belief in the power of words, and her ability to turn a phrase. She fought her illness with that same passion. Her quick wit and commitment to her beliefs will be missed. Laura and I send our condolences to Molly Ivins' family and friends.
All nice and proper, not a single expletive or off-the-cuff remark.
Doesn't suit Molly at all, either.
If you're going to talk about her, you need a drink in your hand and it had better be your fourth or fifth one that night. Plus, everybody still facing you when you say it needs to blush, not counting those that have turned away in shock and disbelief.
This parody is more to my liking... the God's honest, toothpick-in-mouth truth. Something from someone who really clears underbrush from a ranch would say, sober up, and be shocked he'd said it (but have to admit he meant every word).
Maybe Bush will say similar things to say about her privately, or maybe not. But the man really ought to put a thank you in there because you don't get to the national stage without having your rough edges knocked off at the local and state levels.
Let's see... drill sergeant... master-student Shaolin Monk training... rock tumbler... aha!
You could even say that Molly Ivins helped show Karl Rove how to shape George Bush, her mouth acting like a rock tumbler and her words like the grit smoothing and polishing the future president. Although, what exactly prepares a man for the deranged, senile antagonism of Helen Thomas?
Current Governor, "Goodhair" Rick Perry (Molly gave him that name) has crumbled to bits under that same withering scorn. Somehow, despite all odds and sanity, the voters decided to vote those bits and pieces back into office, and he turned around and told everyone he was only kidding about being tough on border enforcement and cracking down on illegal immigration.
You should have swallowed those pieces, Molly. Kinky Friedman would have handed you a beer to wash them down, too. Maybe even a cigar to get the taste of hair gel out of your mouth.
Yes, I didn't agree with a lot of what she said later on. But what she said, she said it well and with a lot of folksy charm to it.
I'd like to think that some of my own writing has been influenced by Molly's brand of gonzo with a Texas twang. I'd also like to think I can fly, the Houston Texans don't suck, and I can eat a whole cheesecake a day without exercising and still fit in the bathtub.
Heck, I was in her presence once and only once. It think it was during the Republican National Convention down here in Houston where she nailed Pat Buchanan to the wall:
"Many people did not care for Pat Buchanan's speech; it probably sounded better in the original German," Ivins in September 1992, commenting on the one-time presidential hopeful's speech to the Republican National Convention.
"Tall, drunk, funny, and forbidable," I thought.
Or maybe it was some other time and some other place. I lost all my journals and notes from back then when moving from place to place, and my memory's gotten pretty jumbled up from spending most (if not all) of my 1997-2001 off-work hours with my mouth firmly wrapped around the spigot of a Cabo's margarita machine, only briefly coming up for air to clear out brainfreezes.... oh, and those awesome soft tacos and salads!
I do remember from back way back then asking Bush-41 something when he was doing an interview with Todd. It may have been "How long do you think Saddam will still be in power?" or like that.
I wish I could remember his response. It was unusual and not what I expected. But maybe James Baker was hiding behind a curtain, pegged me in the back of the neck with his blowgun, and dragged me to a cantina where I'd wake up with a half-empty bottle of tequila in my hand.
Maybe that's how I got introduced to Cabo's in the first place?
The biggest shame in this is the loss of Molly herself, but it's a bigger shame that being being eulogized so ineloquently by the teeming nutroots masses of Democratic Underground, DailyKos, TalkLeft, Huffington, and the other sites on the Internet that act as flypaper to the barely-evolved swarms of stinging, biting gnats and nuisances.
Same goes with some far-right sites today. Probably best if you take a holiday from reading the extremes of the Blogosphere for a spell and stick to Peanuts reruns or running those backups you keep putting off.
Cable companies and Baby Bells make getting to the Internet inexpensive, but it's the deranged masses they keep insisting on selling that access to that make it cheap.
I'm sure y'all can navigate through the chaff and flak out there and find the right and proper eulogies... certainly better ones than mine.
Maybe the only person who could tackle the assignment of eugolizing Molly... is Molly.
And I reckon she ain't getting all four bars of cell coverage right about now.
Screw the Poor: An Editorial By RightWingDuck
I don't want to sound insensitive, but I think it's time we took all the poor people and threw them into the gutter. I know this will not sit well with some people: Democrats, far left liberals, and sewer workers - but it can't be denied. The poor are an ungrateful drag on society and no longer deserve our support.
Many poor don't even have the common sense to run away from a hurricane.I haven't always felt this way. It used to be that I tolerated the poor because I could sympathize with them. As a young man, I had no training, no skills, no nothing. Thusly, I was poor. But then I finished high school and was able to find gainful employment by taking the extreme measure of filling out job applications. I acknowledge not everybody had the same opportunities that I did. Many poor are graduates of an American high school system; meaning many of them can't write or read English.
I changed my mind about the poor when I read an article by Washington Post blogger William Arkin - The troops also need to support the people. (Thanks the the lovely Michelle Malkin site) Let me share with you a few quotes...
These soldiers should be grateful that the American public, which by all polls overwhelmingly disapproves of the Iraq war and the President's handling of it, do still offer their support to them, and their respect.
Whenever we hear poor people complain that not enough is being done to help them you should say, "Step back poor person. We pay for your bastard child, your health insurance, your rent, and your food. If I want your opinion I'll search through your filthy little shopping cart and fish it out."
I've also noticed that in poor neighborhoods there tends to be a lot of crime. I don't know why, if you're going to rob people why do it in a poor neighborhood?
Robber:(to pedestrian) This is a real gun. Give me your money.
Poor person: I'm poor. I don't have any money!
Poor person: Are you going to shoot me?
Robber: Nah, I can't afford any bullets.
Why do they do this? I don't know. Poor people are stupid. Many poor don't even have the common sense to run away from a hurricane.
I can hear you now, "You can't judge all poor people on the mere few who rob and steal and maim." Yes, but at some point I have to ask, "Shouldn't poor people also support my needs?" What gives them a right to feelings? If they do have feelings, are my tax dollars paying for them? They better not be.
In conclusion, the American public is overwhelmingly against being poor. As far as desirability, being poor ranks almost last in every elementary school's Career Day (it comes in just ahead of WaPo Blogger.) If being poor is so hated, then shouldn't the poor have a greater sense of respect for those who provide for them? Lest you think I'm un-American, let me state clearly that I don't always support the war on poverty - but I do support the poor.
Now, maybe, the poor should support us.
Rightwingduck is an author and champion of the poor. He is author of several books such as "Poor People Should Go Into the Military, So People Will Like and Respect Them" and "I Haven't Yet Written a Book, But Can You Pay Me For it In Advance?" His writing can be found at IMAO.us and Rightwingduck.net
J.K. Rowling Has Announced That I Will Be on a Blogging Hiatus Starting July 21st
The final book in the Harry Potter series will be coming out on the 21st of July. Unfortunately, that's two days too late to get it as a birthday present for SarahK. I bet it would be near impossible to finagle a review copy (plus, we'll need two).
If you haven't read the Potter series, I don't even want to hear from you. I don't think in my entire life have I previously anticipated a book release. I didn't start reading the series until after the sixth book came out, and I can't remember enjoying any books as much as them (and I've read many a classic). The fifth was my favorite and, though it was the longest in the series, I was completely unable to put it down. It's going to inevitably be butchered in it's film adaptation this summer, but SarahK and I will be there anyway.
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