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February 28, 2007
American Idol Six - top 10 girls
Posted by sarahk at 10:16 PM | Email This

Paula says that since the girls look gorgeous, theyíre ready to sing tonight. Yes, because a pretty face and pretty clothes equal a great voice, as we saw with Kellie Pickler. *cough cough*

01Ö Gina Glocksen is dedicating to her boyfriend, and her dedication is sweet and all. Sheís singing ďAloneĒ by Heart, and this is going to have to be really good, because Carrie did this two years ago and brought down the house, even got Simon to give it up for her. Except Carrie had really bad hair when she did it. Oh, plus when I do this one at karaoke, Iím pretty good. Just sayiní. That reminds me of a story. At Rachelís Halloween party this year, there were these people there that we had never met, and mind you, I sing Heart all the time, Heart is perfect for my range, I generally hog all the Heart songs at karaoke (we have a machine ourselves), and I usually handle their songs with ease, except maybe a few low notes that get in my way. Anyway, this neighbor lady from down the street, when she saw what song I was singing ("Alone"), said, ďWow, youíre going to attempt Ann Wilson?Ē and I just held my microphone, waited for my words to come onscreen, and said kinda offhandedly, ďYeah, Iím gonna give it a shot,Ē and could not look at Rachel, because if Iíd looked at her, we would have shared a look and I would have laughed. We can both sing, and we know it. I mean, Iím no Kelly Clarkson, but Iím easily as good as half the girls in the top 10 tonight. So the neighbor lady was a little surprised when I got to the chorus. I thought it was funny, and Rachel and I laughed about it after the neighbor went home. We didnít want to be rude and laugh to her face.

Oh wait, this isnít the Talk About Me Hour. Yes, back to Gina and American Idol. Ginaís hair is good. Still with the red tints in the black hair, perfect for her. Iím not sure about the way sheís dressed, because if sheís wanting to be a rocker, the red satin knee-dress is a little nice, but then again, itís red satin, and red satin is a little sassy. The pretty jewelry, though Ė maybe it should have been spikes? No wait, there are spiky bracelets, so sheís covered there. Itís ok. At least she didnít get rid of the tongue bolt. But listen to me. Last week I said that she looked as pretty as a girl with a tongue bolt could look, so shut up SarahK. Ok, to the singing. I have to relisten. Beginning is good. Chorus is good until the big ďAloneĒs at the end. The first time through, I thought she was pitchy there, but she wasnít. But screechy for sure on the last couple of notes. I was going to suggest she stay with this kind of song. Heart, Evanescence, the pipey chick rocker songs with mega vocals, but sheís gonna have to work on not screeching the high notes. I thought it was good, probably a little better than last week because this is a better song choice for her, but not fantastic. And not as good as Carrie Underwood did it.

Randy says yo yo awesome dawg, pitchy at the beginning but you worked it out. He points out Charlotte, the backup singer, who was awesome during the song. I notice Charlotte is wearing a Tenacious D t-shirt Ė hahaha, I love it! Gina thanks Charlotte. Good girl. Paula says we were surprised when Carrie did it, but man, excellent job. Simon says good song choice, very forced vocals at the end. And Simon is confused about Ginaís image, because he thought she was edgier than this when they put her through to the top 24, and heís talking about the way sheís dressed, and Randy says maybe she should have worn all black. No, Randy, Carrie did that. Invites more comparisons to a better vocal.

Oh yay. Alaina is going to do the Dixie Chicks. Youíre the next American Idol, Alaina. No really, you are. Because I donít still cringe every time I hear the name of that band. Really, I donít. Every time Natalie Maines opens her mouth she says something more infuriating than the previous time, so I think that no one at all will think about that while youíre singing. Theyíll just judge you on your singing. I donít know why we need patriotism, anyway. Oops, look at me, Iím doing it already.

Who coaches these kids on their song choice?

BTW, I think global warming caused by people is a steaming pile of bull feces. Mkay? And that train commercial is stupid and horrible for a family show. It scares children, you awful people. Shame on you.

Read More...


Rating: 2.4/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (20) | American Idol ~ | SarahK's TV stuff
Spacemonkey, Spamkiller Commentkiller
Posted by spacemonkey at 05:37 PM | Email This

Hopefully the comment spam deluge has been squished as of a few minutes ago.

If you can't comment on a recent post let me know. Unless you're a filthy online-casino pimping, Russian-woman-pr0n peddling spammer, then you can go [bleep].

Update:Sorry I killed the comments. It was a result of a misspelled word. Go figure.
But they are back now.

Rating: 2.4/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (7)
Ahhhhhhhhhh yeeeeeaaaaahhhh
Posted by sarahk at 05:02 PM | Email This

I was watching last night's Glenn Beck show just now (yay Tivo), and right at the end was a lovely little segment of Glenn handily schooling the unbearable twit Keith Olbermann. I quickly jumped onto Hot Air to see if they had the video up yet. They do. I disagree with Allah, though; Glenn doesn't need to stoop to drooling and screaming unintelligible non-words to fight that moronic monkey.

Meanwhile, did y'all see Rosie's rage on the View today (I can't stay away from that trainwreck)? She said Elisabeth can only have her conservative views because she's so young. Since she's only 30, that makes her naive and stupid. Y'all remember when I said that Joy is the insane Kwazy Kos Kid and Rosie at least isn't a complete whackjob and respects other people's opinions blah blah blah? They're both freaking nuts.

Rating: 2.6/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (7)
A Line in the Sand
Posted by Frank J. at 03:13 PM | Email This

I think fighting against extremism is admirable, and even I think I've crossed some lines about being too anti-Muslim, but Dean Esmay's line in the sand (reiterated here) for commenters and co-bloggers at Dean's World is a bit unsettling... especially when I see how he responds to what seemed like reasonable questions in the comments.

Here are what Dean's World bloggers (or former bloggers) who have responded on his site thus far:
Dave Schuler
Ron Coleman
Rosemary the Queen

I only post this because I like Dean's World, I do think bigotry on the right-wing can be a problem if unchecked, but I think this is fighting fire with fire. I'll be curious how it turns out.

As for IMAO, I'm not sure of any steadfast rules that all IMAO co-bloggers must adhere to other than not photoshopping me in ways that make me look gay. I don't seen any place for reasonable people to debate on that.

UPDATE:

Kevin D. (who will be going on to Robert Spencer's Jihad Watch)
Dave Price

Rating: 2.6/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (21)
... worth a thousand words.
Posted by Laurence Simon at 02:37 PM | Email This

Rating: 2.2/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (15)
INACTION ALERT: Hybrids
Posted by Frank J. at 02:18 PM | Email This

INACTION ALERT! INACTION ALERT!

The actions of man could cause global warming and that could be bad, but scientists aren't really sure and can't seem to get their climate models right. Thus, it's best we do nothing. Do not go out and buy a hybrid car. If you already bought one, don't buy another.

UPDATE:

Sarcasm Man makes a good point. If you've done the calculations and think a hybrid will save you money on gas prices, then go ahead and get one. I guess the inaction should be that, if you were planning on buying a hybrid, then go ahead and buy one. If you weren't planning on it, then don't. So, if you read this inaction alert correctly, you should not be doing anything different now than you were before.

END INACTION ALERT

Rating: 1.8/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (14)
The Frank Truth: Dick Cheney
Posted by Frank J. at 11:25 AM | Email This

After Cheney was targeted by terrorists while in Afghanistan, numerous urban legends about him have surfaced, some old and some new. Here's the facts sorted from the fiction:

Claim: Cheney could have been hurt in the bomb attack in Afghanistan.
Status: False
Cheney is invulnerable to conventional weaponry. According to DoD reports, Cheney can only be harmed by a direct nuclear blast or by magical attacks.

Bomb blasts only anger him.
Claim: After the attack, Cheney was rushed to safety. Status: False
Reportedly, Cheney formed a one man death squad after the attack, killing anyone he suspected had anything to do with the attack or may have known anyone involved with the attack. Everyone in a nearby village was found dead, all having been blasted in the face with a shotgun. In the center of the village was Cheney's usual calling card: a strangled puppy.

Claim: Despite his gruff demeanor, Cheney is a compassionate man.
Status: False
Cheney is a merciless killing machine and knows no emotion. According to Cheney's staff, he wants to kill you right now. When asked for a reason, the only answer given was, "Because he's Dick Cheney."

Claim: To protect his health after numerous heart attacks, Cheney follows a strict, healthy diet.
Status: False
Cheney's heart was reconstructed in a sole-source Halliburton contract, and Cheney needs to bite the heads off live kittens for fuel. The alternative fuel source is whiskey.

Claim: Cheney divorced all financial ties to Halliburton by insuring his pension.
Status: False
Halliburton continues to pay Cheney money out of fear. The amount is based on how much pain and suffering he causes in the world.

Claim: Cheney received five draft deferments to keep him out of the Vietnam War.
Status: False
The U.S. government decided not to deploy Cheney in the Vietnam War to avoid charges of war crimes.

Claim: One of Cheney's daughters is a lesbian.
Status: False
You're a lesbian.

Claim: Cheney swallows small children whole.
Status: False
He chews first.

Rating: 2.9/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (15)
Oh, Now This Is Just WRONG!
Posted by Harvey at 10:28 AM | Email This

I saw this at SarahK's other blog, Mountaineer Musings:

Frank pants stuffing.jpg

I have to ask:

What is that white thing just above Frank J's belt?

Of course, maybe a better question is, "do I *really* want to know?"

Rating: 1.6/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (19)
Project A119
Posted by Frank J. at 09:04 AM | Email This

It was Potsie's idea.

For anyone who is curious, according to Wikipedia that is the name of the U.S. government's plans from the 1950s to nuke the moon. It was thought of fifty years ago, and I still haven't gotten credit.

Rating: 0.9/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (8)
February 27, 2007
American Idol Six - top 10 guys
Posted by sarahk at 10:03 PM | Email This

Randy knows the guys are going to be a lot better than last week. Are you sure, Randy? Are you sure? I'm gonna hold you to that. Paula says have fun and own the song. Which means she's gonna have fun with her Loopy Juice. Simon looks into her drink glass. Ryan calls Simon his friend, and Simon has no comment.

Tonight they are supposed to dedicate their songs to someone who inspires them. I feel a good cry and a load of sarcasm welling up inside me. I hope Chris Sligh dedicates his performance to The Hoff or Simon. Maybe AJ will dedicate his song to Ryan. A snarker can dream, right?

WH... Phil Stacey is up first, and I hope he can redeem himself the teeniest bit by dedicating his performance to his wife, whom he abandoned when she was nine months pregnant so he could audition for AI -- she had to have the baby all alone. Nope. He's still a big giant pinkytoe. Looks like one too. He dedicates it to his navy command or something. He's trying to play up the military angle so we'll like him. It's not working on me. I LOVE the military, but why didn't he ever mention it before? Suddenly he wants to play it up, because he knows all the girls hate him because of the baby thing. Maybe if it had been the Marines (no offense, Harvey -- you know I heart you, but the Navy guys wear white all the time, and that does not work for me). Oh, and he's singing "Missing You" by John Waite, also done very well by Tina Turner (I love that woman). It's so stinking blah until the end, then it gets pretty good. One note is precarious, but he holds onto it and works it out, dawg. I don't think this is great because most of the song is just boring. I think it's a bad song choice. It's not exciting me until the last few bars. Randy says yippie ki-yay, you're hot and showing your power. Paula loves his tone and hears him on the radio. Paula, the radio is not on, check your vodka levels, sweetheart. Simon isn't jumping out of his chair, loved the film piece about the military (sucker), doesn't think he has originality at all, and is a very good karaoke singer right now. Ryan says but his popularity will help him, and Simon says don't worry, you'll be back next week. Good job with the reverse psychology, Simon. Wink wink. I thank you.

They've flashed to Jeff Foxworthy in the audience multiple times.

Read More...


Rating: 2.7/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (11) | American Idol ~ | SarahK's TV stuff
American Idol Six - top 24 results show
Posted by sarahk at 09:43 PM | Email This

We were at Disney World Thursday night when all my American Idol predictions came true, but I'm rewatching the results show now (we watched Friday night when we got home), and I have things to say!

So here they are.

They announced all the guest stars who will be appearing this season. Let's discuss. Or let's me talk and you listen.

Diana Ross. Oh, I can't wait for that tragedy of a disco night. I could make myself a big pot of coffee to stay awake, but excess caffeine is bad for my epilepsy. Stupid neurological diseases! No wait, why am I mad at my brain waves? Stupid bad disco nights on American Idol that make me want to fall into a deep sleep and dream about cherry blossom trees and purple unicorns! Why must they taunt me?

Jon Bon Jovi. Sweet! One of those teeny-bopping wailers (probably Jordin) will sing "Wanted Dead or Alive" in a full-length, sparkly, long red evening gown. Mark those words, y'all, I'm tellin' ya. But she'll replace "cowboy" with "cowgirl", and she'll smile ear-to-ear like "look how clever I am!" when "cowgirl" comes out of her mouth, and her adoring fans will giggle and cheer. I won't be cheering. I'll be looking for this permalink so I can remind y'all of when I said this. Chris Sligh will sing an obscure song that wouldn't make the greatest hits album, and Randy will pretend to have loved that song for years, dawg.

J-Lo. A.J. Trabaldo will try to sing "Love Don't Cost a Thing", but we will have such a hard time understanding him that we will think he's singing "my oven tone caught touching". No wait, I take it back. If he makes the top 12, there is no justice in the world. Why yes. That is the only J-Lo song I know. It would be torturous to know more.

Read More...


Rating: 2.3/5 (12 votes cast)

| American Idol ~ | SarahK's TV stuff
Wooden 2000 Presidential Popular Vote Winner Al Gore . . .
Posted by Cadet Happy at 09:14 PM | Email This

. . . planted himself Tuesday to offset criticism of the carbon footprint created by excessive electrial usage at his Tennessee mansion.
holeaalgore.jpg


Rating: 2.8/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (15)
I Finally Have to Ask
Posted by Frank J. at 05:06 PM | Email This
The post button is pretty. I like to click it. Sometimes I type things first.
What is Eschaton?

I happened to head over there today because of an Ann Althouse post where she mentions how Duncan Black (a.k.a. Atrios) of Eschaton tried to fact check her on the most inane thing possible. Eschaton has been one of the most popular left-wing blogs since I first saw there were left-wing blogs, but it's never been able to keep my attention for more than a couple second scan. While most liberal blogs seem to be extremely wordy (Greenwald's blog is practically all words and no content), Eschaton has... well, nothing. It's like a bunch of sentence fragments with a link every few posts. If "Indeed" and "Heh" are just too verbose a commentary, Eschaton is the blog for you.

Here's one of yesterday's posts:

Memories

You know, the wingnutosphere was always populated by lunatic morons, but back in the old days we actually felt obliged to engage them. Now we just mock them.

Much better.

That's it. That's the whole post. There's no link that or discernible context that might make this clever. That's a whole "thought" he had and decided to share. And posts like that bring in nearly a hundred thousand unique visitors a day.

Sometimes I wonder if I should stop making fun of the left-wing blogosphere because it's equivalent to making fun of someone with a mental handicap. I don't want to be that kind of person.

I'm serious. It's something to think about.

UPDATE:

Okay. I'm not serious... but sometimes I like to pretend I am.

Rating: 2.1/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (13)
INACTION ALERT: This Is an Inaction Alert
Posted by Frank J. at 04:30 PM | Email This

INACTION ALERT! INACTION ALERT!

I decided that action alerts just weren't working for me. Anyway, we're conservatives and have jobs and useful things to do, so why not instead have inaction alerts. With everyone--especially the always hysterical liberals--freaking out about everything, I think what this country needs is a strong call to inaction. Ignoring something or someone is the highest for of dominance, anyway. So let's all calm down and go about our daily business unless something explodes.

END INACTION ALERT

Rating: 1.7/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (19)
That's Pretty Much It
Posted by Frank J. at 02:04 PM | Email This

I saw this comic on Dr. Sanity and thought it summed up the Democrats' uncomfortable position quite well:

democrats_terror_statue.jpg


Rating: 2.1/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (4)
Muslims + Kites = Eleven Dead
Posted by Frank J. at 11:09 AM | Email This
Watch out! He has a kite!
I want to understand the cultures in the Middle East. I want to get along and not look down on everyone there, but, really, how do you turn a kite festival into a massacre? You'd think with all the killing over there that they'd be looking for ways to get a break from the violence, not new creative ways to turn the most harmless things into a bloodbath.

So, it's at least eleven dead and over one hundred injured from a kite festival in Pakistan. This wasn't the first time either, as a BBC article says that nine were killed in the 2004 festival causing kites to be banned for a while in Pakistan. We all know that won't stop violence, though, as you can remove the kite from a man's hand but not the murder from his heart. He'll just get his hands on a pinwheel or a hula hoop and you have another massacre on your hands.

I think that's enough news from the Middle East for today. Anymore and I might get jaded.

UPDATE:

Before I noted how you could add "Muslims Are Offended" to any headline and it won't sound out of place, and I think we have something similar here. For any event happening in the Middle East, you can just add a casualty count to the end of headline and no one would notice. E.g. "Children's Literacy Event Held in Saudi Arabia; 12 Dead"

Rating: 2.2/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (15)
IMAO Readership Quality Screening Test
Posted by Harvey at 09:56 AM | Email This

Take the "Are You a Dumb American Quiz", examine your results, and follow the appropriate instructions below:

You Are a Smart American
You know a lot about US history, and your opinions are probably well informed.

You may continue reading IMAO and leaving witty and/or insightful comments.

You Are Not a Dumb American
You know a good deal about American history, but there are some basic facts you have wrong.

You may continue reading IMAO for educational purposes, but don't comment, lest your inferior knowledge endumben the rest of us.

You Are an Average American
You know a little bit about America, but not enough to actually deserve the citizenship you were born into.

In the future, please avoid IMAO and voting booths.

You Are a Dumb American
What are you doing here? Isn't it against company policy to surf from work at the New York Times?

Flee from this place lest we punch you in your dumb monkey face and taunt you a second time.

You Are Nancy Pelosi
Welcome, Madame Speaker!

So... how did you do?

Rating: 2.1/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (35)
Al Gore the Environmental Chickenhawk
Posted by Frank J. at 09:54 AM | Email This
Al Gore preventing carbon output from Tipper.
As with any religion, environmentalism's Messiah is beyond reproach. Look at the Kwazy Kos Kids response (do I even have to give a profanity warning) to discovering that Al Gore uses as much energy in his mansion (occupied by two people) in one day as the entire continent of Africa uses in a year. First, they worry only on how this information was made public, then they deny it truthfulness, then they completely miss the point and wonder what Drudge's or the group that did the report's energy bill is, and then they assert that Gore has done more for global warming than any other person so he's allowed to waste energy all he wants because he earned it. And, really, isn't sacrificing modern conveniences for the sake of the environment only for little people and not one as magnificent as Al Gore?

Plus, Gore purchases "carbon offsets"... the plenary indulgence of the environmentalism religion. Yes, Gore does urge others to change their lifestyles while living extravagantly himself, but he has the money to purchase "carbon offsets," so the liberals don't see any hypocrisy in that.

Maybe--and I'm just going out on a limb here--those who lack basic logic skills should stay away from issues of science.

I just realized something: Aren't I basically calling Gore a chickenhawk? I'm pretty much arguing against Gore's belief in global warming by pointing out that he doesn't believe in it enough to change his own lifestyle. It is faulty reasoning--one's argument can easily be correct or incorrect regardless of his or her own actions--but the left-wing loves faulty reasoning so perhaps it our duty to point out that Al Gore is an environmental chickenhawk. We should ignore anything he has to say about global warming until he signs up to fight in Iraq... or something.

UPDATE:

Jim Treacher has it right: Liberals seem hung up thinking we don't understand "carbon offsets" when, in fact, we just don't buy it. Perhaps we understand it better than they do.

Rating: 2.7/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (20)
February 26, 2007
Because Man Can't Live on Humor and Politics Alone
Posted by Frank J. at 11:38 PM | Email This

Thanks for everyone who has commented on the first chapter of Hellbender. I was busy this weekend, but I hope to finish the second chapter soon.

I could still use more opinions... particularly critical ones. If you wan to check it out, it's in Baen's Bar in the Slush Pile section (comments on the story go in Slush Comments).

Rating: 3.2/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (7)
(narrowly averted) tragedy + passage of time = comedy (?)
Posted by Frank J. at 10:20 PM | Email This

alicespin.gif

2007_2_disney world magic kingdom DSC0255ddd9.jpg

2007_2_disney world magic kingdxxom DSC02587.jpg

Read More...


Rating: 2.3/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (6)
The Tyranny of Those with Too Much Time on Their Hands
Posted by Frank J. at 05:16 PM | Email This

I see Little Green Footballs and Hot Air are still going on about the problems with Digg. Basically, their stories that are submitted to Digg are then descended upon by a bunch of cyber-monkeys who do nothing but bury opinions they don't like. Thus, as soon as an LGF post makes the front page of Digg, it's soon removed for being marked as "inaccurate" or "spam" and thus LGF and other conservative sites miss the huge number of eyeballs that the front page of Digg delivers. It's hard to say how many of the people who use Digg daily are left-wing nut balls, but my guess is it's a small minority that spend all day prowling for any opinions that offend their senses and crushing said opinions. Still, it's certainly enough people.

Efforts against this so far has seemed to be to appeal to a sense of fairness in these losers at Digg or to shame them for their fascists tendencies.

Hello! Have you guys ever met a liberal on the internet before? These people are so lost in their reality-based fantasy world where they valiantly wage war against Emperor ChimpyMcHilterburton that they are as immune to reason as Superman is to bullets. If the guys who run Digg don't care about the rules being exploited to suppress certain viewpoints, then the only way to change things is to force a rule change by making things unworkable as they are. If making Digg fair is important to conservatives, then the only possibly effective course of action is to organize efforts to bury and mark as spam any entries from sites popular on Digg until everyone demands the ratings system be fixed.

Of course, this isn't important to me so I won't be joining. I did add the Digg option to posts on IMAO out of solidarity with the right-wing blogosphere, but I don't see the point in pressing this any further. The same sort of thing going on at Digg has happened with YouTube and any entry on controversial topic on Wikipedia. What conservatives face here is more a force of nature. The people who rule the internet will always be those with the most spare time on their hands, and liberal weenies are always going to have an excess of spare time (why do you think they are the ones who do protests?). This isn't a battle we can win, and I think it's a waste of time to fight it.

Rating: 2.4/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Fun Facts About Washington
Posted by Harvey at 12:14 PM | Email This

While the IMAO podcast is still MIA, I'm going to keep posting the latest uncut Fun Facts About The 50 States - hopefully on a weekly(ish) schedule.

(continued in extended entry)

Read More...


Rating: 3.0/5 (35 votes cast)

Comments (9) | Fun Trivia
In My World: Non-Binding Satire
Posted by Frank J. at 11:27 AM | Email This

"Yay! Pudding cup time!" President Bush exclaimed as he eagerly tore off the plastic cover and grabbed a spoon. "Nothing better than pudding cup time."

"We need to talk to you!" Harry Reid and John Murtha barged into the Oval Office.

"Hey! No one is supposed to bother me during pudding cup time... unless it's about pudding!"

"We have important things to discuss with you!" Reid said.

"No you don't! You're Democrats!" Bush pulled his pudding cup close to him so they wouldn't steal it.

"You're going to lose this war and we'll make sure!" Murtha said. "We passed a non-binding resolution in the House against your surge!"

"You're a surge!" Bush shouted.

"You're wit is as sharp as always," Reid said, "but that won't save you when I finally get my cloture vote to pass a non-binding resolution against you in the Senate!"

"You'll never get a cloture vote because you have no penis!"

"You have no proof of that!"

Bush waved his pudding spoon at them. "You Democrats are bad bad people! Did either of you think of how this sort of thing will affect the troops?"

* * * *

"I heard the Democrats passed a non-binding resolution," Gomez the Marine said as he patrolled a street in Iraq. "Any idea what that is?"

"No," Buck the Marine answered, "but I'm guessing from context it's some sort of homosexual sex act."

* * * *

"Enough talk!" Murtha shouted. He held up a piece of paper. "This is a non-binding arrest warrant for your illegal warring! Now I'm going put you in non-binding cuffs." He placed handcuffs on Bush that promptly fell off. "Just wait until your non-binding trial when I read all these non-binding charges in this non-binding binder!" He held up a binder and all the papers fell out of it.

"Why are your pants around your ankles?" Bush asked. "Is your belt-buckle non-binding?"

"That plant is laughing at me!" Murtha shouted and pointed.

Bush looked where Murtha was pointing. "That's a desk lamp."

"What Murtha is trying to say," Reid said, "is that you best declare your loss and end your war now! We Democrats will pester you until you have no hope but to--"

"Aieee!" Murtha screamed and jumped out the window.

"What was that about?" Bush asked.

Reid shrugged. "Who knows."

"You ever thought about putting him in a home?"

"Well... we're looking at a few different options... Anyway, your war is lost and there is nothing you can do to keep we Democrats from surrendering! Muh ha ha ha ha!" Reid then stood there for a moment. "Murtha had the car keys; can you call me a cab back to the Capitol?"

"No!" Bush threw a stapler at Reid who fled out the door. "Back to pudding cup time!" Bush was about to take a spoonful, but Condoleezza Rice rushed in and grabbed the pudding cup.

"Pudding cup time is over. You have to work on foreign affairs!"

"Nooooooooooo!" Bush yelled and pounded his desk. "Hey, Condi, which party controls Congress right now?"

"The Democrats."

"You sure?"

"Yes."

"Then why do they seem even more useless than before?"

Rating: 1.8/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (11) | In My World
It's Out There... I Guess
Posted by Frank J. at 09:37 AM | Email This

What's the story with the new FOX News' show about blogs called It's Out There? It's hosted by Michelle Malkin and Kristen Powers and premiered yesterday against the Oscars after a rerun of the 1/2Hour News Hour pilot. I can't find it mentioned on either Malkin's or Powers' blog, and only found out about it to tivo it because Powers appeared on FOX and Friends Sunday morning. Did they not want bloggers to find out about it? Actually, having watched it, it wasn't too much information I don't know already from my regular blog reading, so maybe it's aimed more at someone who doesn't normally read blogs... like Cadet Happy (yes, he blogs for IMAO and I found out this weekend he's never heard of the Edwards' blogger scandal). The show has potential, but I wonder if I'll see it again next weekend.

I guess, being this the blogosphere, I could just e-mail Malkin and Powers asking about the show instead of asking you people who probably don't know anything more than I do and will just spout more unsubstantiated theories, but, if I make an effort to find out more information about a story, then I'm no better than a common journalists.

Eh, I'll e-mail them. I don't want you pestering them now that I mentioned it and then getting that blamed on me.

BTW, isn't using Wikipedia as a source the same as using "some guy" as a source? I would surprised that any teacher who knows what Wikipedia is would allow it being using as a research source. Since everything on Wikipedia is supposed to be sourced, it's still useful as a research tool if you explore all of its claims in an article.

UPDATE:

John Hawkins saw the show and had the same reaction I did, except, instead of not bothering to look up the third person's name who appears on the show, I just didn't even mention him.

UPDATE 2:

Duh. When I want to find out about a show on FOX News, I should turn to News Hounds. It's a very interesting site; basically, it's a bunch of liberals who hate FOX News who do nothing but watch FOX News and blog about it. You should see they're dour humorlessness applied to Red Eye (Gutfeld made two of their picks for most outrageous FOX News quotes of the week); that combination is pure comedy gold.

Anyway, here is their take on It's Out There. They agree with me that the concept is promising, and I agree with them that it would be better to feature more far left-wing blogs. That's always entertaining.

UPDATE FINAL:

Never got a response from Malkin or Powers in e-mail and they still haven't mentioned the show on their sites, so I can only assume some huge sort of conspiracy is going on here. Thus I will stop talking about this lest I be disappeared.

Rating: 1.6/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (13)
February 25, 2007
Just an Idea
Posted by Frank J. at 11:01 PM | Email This

I know any attempt at a joke at in which the punchline is "Al Gore really won the election" is going to get a huge laugh for the self-indulgent nitwits that make up most of Hollywood, but here's an idea to get a laugh out of everyone else. As soon as Ellen DeGeneres made the joke, a siren could have gone off while balloons fell from the ceiling. Then a man could come out and announce DeGeneres is the one billionth liberal to make a lame "Gore won the election" joke and she gets a free copy of Coping with Loss.

I think I might have laughed at that, but the moment is gone.

While we're on the subject, we all know that you don't get the Presidency for winning the popular vote, but did Gore get a framed certificate that said something to the effect of "Won the popular vote in an election for U.S. President." You all have to admit that that's at least worth a framed certificate.

Rating: 2.9/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (13)
February 23, 2007
CNN Breaking News--sarahk and frankj given custody of Anna Nicole Smith's body . . .
Posted by Cadet Happy at 09:32 PM | Email This

. . .consequently, she will be late for her own funeral.

Rating: 2.9/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (11)
When Clowns Attack
Posted by spacemonkey at 02:25 PM | Email This

I just hope this mindless act of clown violence doesn't spark a lot a mindless crimes against clown-kind.

Update: It has already started.

Rating: 3.2/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (22)
Answer the girl, Jimmy.
Posted by Laurence Simon at 11:36 AM | Email This

QUESTION:

ANSWER:

Read More...


Rating: 1.9/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (20)
runaway came to door
Posted by Cadet Happy at 12:15 AM | Email This

went home with parents

Rating: 1.8/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (12)
February 22, 2007
Orlando Trip: Day 1
Posted by Frank J. at 08:27 PM | Email This

meeting SarahK and Frank at Disney World -- they should be here any minute otherwise we'll miss our dinner reservation. . .
DSC02546.jpg

. . . maybe they're stuck in traffic . . .
DSC02547.jpg

. . . did we come a day early by accident? . . .
DSC02548.jpg


Rating: 2.7/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (7)
Slouching Towards Planet of the Apes
Posted by Frank J. at 04:31 PM | Email This

Now they have the spear. How long before they have the gun?

(hat tip to reader Opus)

Rating: 2.2/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (16)
Worst. Activist Ad. Ever.
Posted by Frank J. at 01:14 PM | Email This

After watching this ad, I just want to go out and destroy the earth so I can tell this kid, "There, I destroyed the earth. Know why? Because I'm bigger than you, that's why. So what are you going to do about it, you little punk?"

This kid has anti-charisma in spades. I want to go buy a soda right now just so I can throw the bottle in the regular trash.

While I'm posting videos, this one is just for SarahK:

The joke seems old to me just because I've been doing that imitation ever since I met SarahK. CSI: Horatio is one of our favorite shows (and yet only our third favorite show on Monday).

(hat tip to Ace)

Rating: 1.9/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (53)
Calrification: Non-Binding Resolution and Self Gratification
Posted by Frank J. at 11:55 AM | Email This

I like to keep this site family-friendly--or, at least, not obscene--but I felt compelled to compare passing a non-binding resolution to masturbation. This post was linked by Salon and we got some... uh... new commenters on the subject. Many disputed the similarity between passing a non-binding resolution and Harry Reid going to his office to masturbate saying that such a resolution was more like public masturbation.

"I would like to bring to your attention amendment number--HARRY REID!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!"

More like that.

David Vogel of The Cultural Report sent me a link to this anti-Iraq War site MoveCongress.org where it's supporting a national "Meet Up with Your Member Week." If it takes Democrats a whole week to find their members, then perhaps masturbation is a much more complex and involving activity than a non-binding resolution and thus not a valid comparison.

Rating: 2.1/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (13)
Hellbender - Chapter 1
Posted by Frank J. at 09:21 AM | Email This

Yay! I finally put it up!

It's a bit rough (this doesn't have SarahK proofreading yet though I've certainly gone over it a lot more than a blog post), but I'm hoping it's a good start. It's quite different than the original bit by bit story, but Doug, Bryce, Charlene, and Lulu are still there and nearly unchanged.

Anyway, I'd really appreciate any help in making this a good story. It's posted at Baen's Bar in the Slush Pile section (comments on the story go in Slush Comments). You'll have to register, but it only takes a second and they've never spammed the e-mail I supplied for registering to the forum.

If you have suggestions for making the story better, that would be quite helpful. If you point out big problems or things that come off as too confusing, that would also be helpful. If it sucks so badly that it should be immediately buried, I'll need to hear that too so I can stop working on Chapter 2.

Anyone who helps in this project will get extra IMAO bonus points. Don't pass up this exciting offer!

Hope you enjoy it. The story combines both science and fiction.

Rating: 2.1/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Hellbender
February 21, 2007
American Idol Six - Top Twelve girls
Posted by sarahk at 10:16 PM | Email This

Ryan is trying to lie and say that there was a good start to the competition last night. Lie. Ur.

After the recap, Ryan starts in being a complete pinkytoe to Simon. And now starts the Seacrest Simon Smoochy Hour. Ryan is picking and picking and picking, trying to get Simon to admit that Chris Sligh got under his skin. Listen, Miss Seacrest. I'll tell you how I saw it, and I am the Lovely and Talented SarahK, so after I make my judge's ruling, you can shut your piehole and remember that you're just the host and not the talent. If you don't chill out (because really, something has got stuck in yer craw, as we say in Texas upon occasion), I'm going to accuse Joy Behar (a talentless hack) of being able to take you in a witting contest with half her comedy tied behind her back, and that idiot is a one-joke pony (Dick Cheney is evil! Halliburton did it! Duh-hur-hur!! Ba-dum-ching!). Anyway, listen up, Seacrest. You were trying to take Cowell to your girly mat because you wanted to know about random college singings, and Simon told you to put a sock in it. You kept badgering him and annoying me. Chris, the long-forgotten judgee, whose judging time you were usurping with your inanity, said, "hey guys, remember me? Il Divo and Teletubbies!" and Simon stopped arguing with you for half a second. it looked like he was ticked off at you for forgetting your place and getting him off his rhythm, because had you kept quiet during the Simon Segment, Simon would have been able to come up with something razor-sharp to counter with. Instead, he had to settle for the butter knife that made fun of Chris's weight. But hey, Chris asked for it. After that, Simon stopped talking.

Get OVER yourself, Miss Ryan. Love ya.

On to the girls.

IDOLS 01... Stephanie Edwards is first. She looks pretty in a purply blue and brown knee-length dress. Hmm, I didn't really critique the boy clothing last night, did I? Well, except Foot Fungus Freak Paul Kim, who needs shoes. She sounds really good. Has great stage presence, is owning the stage. I would have hoped for a better song than this. "How Come You Don't Call Me Anymore" by Alicia Keys. Nice run at the end. She barely made that last note, I mean she crawled toward it like Seacrest toward a snappy comeback, and she only squeaked by. But she really came out swinging and didn't go safe like the safety guys of Tuesday night. That last note really hurt my ears, though. Especially on the replay. I think I'll vote for her. Randy loved her even though she was pitchy dawg but can learn from it. Paula says she's a star. Simon says she's better than everything, better than the guys last night (who all clap and nod and smile and pretend that they're happy for her), better than herself, better than sex and chocolate and Paula's vodka and unicorns and definitely better than Seacrest. Simon thought it was a good song choice. I disagree, but whatever. She sang it mostly well.

Read More...


Rating: 2.8/5 (29 votes cast)

Comments (18) | American Idol ~ | SarahK's TV stuff
For the Record: That Murderous Reynolds
Posted by Frank J. at 03:10 PM | Email This

There has been a bit of controversy over a post the puppy blender wrote in which he suggested the U.S. government secretly assassinate Iranian nuclear scientists and radical mullahs. One columnist even called on Glenn Reynolds to be fired from the University of Tennessee.

I've just sort of just sat back and watched being so perplexed by it all, but I would like to now go on record as saying I think this is a bunch of manufactured outrage. Of course, I'm for the U.S. government killing foreigners whenever they feel like it, so I'm especially for killing evil foreigners.

Also, if you look at Reynolds' usual writing which all has the subtext of hobo murdering and Satan worship, his post about assassinating Iranians was actually his least evil post in some time. Any reasonable person would agree.

Rating: 2.5/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (12)
The Ten Plagues Of Paris
Posted by Laurence Simon at 02:50 PM | Email This

Giant swarms of hornets are invading France, and the French are blaming global warming while working up terms of surrender.

Yesterday, there was concern that it may not take long before the Asian hornet makes its way to Britain.

"There's no doubt that these hornets are heading north and will probably find their way to Britain at some point," said Stuart Hine, manager of the Insect Information Service at London's Natural History Museum.

"Climate change certainly means they can cope with European summers. However, they would still have difficulty coping with our winter frosts."

Leave it to the French to overlook the obvious cause of this plague of hornets...

Read More...


Rating: 1.8/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (13)
My Idol Thoughts
Posted by RightWingDuck at 02:20 PM | Email This

Last night I was out of beer. So I did the next best thing to numb my brain - I watched American Idol.

At this point in the game, I don't have too many favorites, but a few of them stand out enough for me to mention.

Phil Stacey: I know SarahK and some of the other ladies don't like this guy much. Why? Because he went off to the Idol auditions while his wife was busy giving birth to their child. Personally, I don't have a problem with this. At the risk of sounding old-fashioined, I believe that birthing babies is "women's work." I know, I know: A good husband should be there for the birth, and the afterbirth. But given a choice between following my dreams and watching 10 pounds of (Self censored because Ducky is shivering from the memories of the placenta coming out). I would choose American Idol.

Besides, American Idol has everything a delivery room has - The encouraging words, the screaming, the use of heavy drugs. And that's just Paula Abdul.

Phil was a great singer. He started off weird. But then again, so did a lot of the guys. Most American Idol men struggle with the lower registers as many of them are more comfortable singing in the higher registers. What's that called - castrato? I forget.

Phil really brought the song home once he got going. Plus, that bald head reminds me of that Alien guy from the Flintsones. What was his name? Kazoo?

Nick Pedro: Another guy I really liked was Nick Pedro. I love this guy's story. I mean he quit last year for good reasons. I mean, what man wants to get on stage and sing Buttercup. Please. But it tortured him to wonder what his life could have been like. I identifiy with Nick. It's hard to wonder about what could have been. A long time ago, Frank J. offered me the chance to write at IMAO. I always wondered what would have happened had I said yes.

Nick has a great voice. His song sucked and it was boring. Actually, I take it all back. He sucked.
Screw you Nick Pedro for making me type this for no reason.

Paul Kim. SarahK noticed the same thing i did. You sing Careless Whisper and you're doing those stupid "yo, check this" gang-hip hop gestures? Why not just pull out a gun. That would be cool.

Paul Kim Singing:

I'm never gonna dance again
guilty feet have got no rhythm

(Smoothly pulls out gun and shoots at audience)

Bang - Bitch!

though it's easy to pretend
I know you're not a fool

Tonight the girls sing. I like to hear a lot of the lady singers. Ironically, many of them have deeper voices than the men. This should should be interesting.

Rating: 2.4/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (4)
Yeah, We're Great
Posted by Frank J. at 12:47 PM | Email This

I've seen a number of references in the blogosphere to this short ad entitled "A World Without America" by some British group. People seem to like it, but for some reason I find it off-putting. Actually, I guess I feel that way whenever a foreign national heaps gushing praise on America. I don't know why, but I just do.

Rating: 3.1/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (23)
Post About Clear Movie Titles
Posted by Frank J. at 10:25 AM | Email This

Jim Treacher over at The Daily Gut posts a movie trailer for Hobo with a Shotgun, a move about a hobo who obtains a shotgun. While this is a trailer for a fictional movie, I like the idea of movies that state their premise clearly in their title, like Snakes on a Plane. Too many Hollywood people want to get all artsy and poetic with titles when we just want to know what the move is actually about without having to read reviews by pompous movies critics. Were Hobo with a Shotgun an actual movie, it would probably end up with some artsy obscure title like Reynold's Nightmare.

Now, what was the biggest blockbuster of all time? Star Wars. People saw that title and was like, "Hey! I bet that movie has wars in the stars! Let's see that!" and thus history was made. Were the movie to come out today, for the title they'd probably take some obscure line from the movie and try to conflate it to what the entire film is about, like The Fool Who Follows. No one would go see it.

And what's my favorite movie? The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly - and that's exactly what the movie was about. The only way it could be clearer would be to add the subtitle "They're All After Gold!"

Let's look at last weekend: What was the number one movie? Ghost Rider. Seems to be a movie about a ghost who rides; might be interesting. Another movie that came out was Bridge to Terabithia. Wha? Why would I want to see that? All I it sounds like I'll see is some bridge and a place called Terabithia which could be in Europe for all I know. I'll pass, thank you.

Clear titles clearly make better movies. If I made a movie, I'd title it Pirate Pete's Adventures in Pirate Land: A Movie About Pirates. No guesswork needed to know what you'd be getting. So let's try and make some other movies better by giving them clearer titles:

CLEARER MOVIE TITLES

Casablanca -> African Bar with Nazis

Oh Brother, Where Art Thou? -> Fugitive Singing Stars

RashŰmon -> Unreliable Witnesses

Good Will Hunting -> Janitor Math Genius

Reservoir Dogs -> Bank Robber Flashback Fun

Million Dollar Baby -> Girly Boxing Tragedy

The Shawshank Redemption -> The Great Rape Escape

The Silence of the Lambs -> Professor People-Eater

Chinatown -> The Private Eye in the Case of Secret Incestuousness

Sling Blade -> Potato-Eating Killer Man

Jacob's Ladder -> The Wacky Dreams of a Dying Vietnam Vet

Magnolia -> Crazy Interweaving Story Time

Blade Runner -> Killer Android Attack

Gone with the Wind -> Did That Guy Just Swear?!

Brokeback Mountain -> Gay Cowboys in Search of Oscars

Brazil -> Huh? What Was That Crap?

An Inconvenient Truth -> Someone Pay Attention to Me! Please!

What are your favorite clear movie titles and what movies titles do you think could use improving?

Rating: 3.4/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (50)
Explain This Picture
Posted by Harvey at 09:50 AM | Email This

cnn Condi Rice.jpg

a) Analogous to the way the evil undead cringe at the sign of the holy cross, the decent and living have a visceral reaction when confronted by the liberal news media.

b) Condi tries out for the 25th Anniversary Celebrity All-Star Thriller Tribute Video.

c) CNN hates black people.

[Pic found at Musings from Brian J. Noggle]

Rating: 3.4/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (25)
February 20, 2007
American Idol Six - Top 12 Guys
Posted by sarahk at 11:22 PM | Email This

Finally we have arrived at the voting rounds in the Idol studio. Thank goodness. And tonight is a 2-hour Idol. Two hours! The girls tomorrow night, and Thursday night two girls and two guys go home. We wittle them down fast now.

Ryan asks Randy about all the heat he's been taking this season for being so hard on contestants. Randy says he's just being more honest, and Ryan asks if he's just been lying all along. SarahK says yeah, dawg. Yeah. Paula's gonna have to be all more supportive and stuff, uh huh, and more happy seal clappy, yes. Ryan asks Simon if all of the Grammys, #1 hits, plus Jennifer Hudson's Oscar nod put more pressure on the contestants because the show is more valid blah blah blah... Simon says "Yes." Ryan was hoping Simon would expound, so he asks how the contestants should navigate the scary, raging American Idol river of pressure or some equally bad metaphor. Simon says, "Sing well." Yes, I agree, Simon, let's get to it, shall we?

Oh, my insides are all torn up. Y'all don't ever get diseases of the small intestine, ok? Not fun, dawg. Not fun.

After the break, the guys get to share share share their audition memories. Rudy Cardenas says that being a professional musician means eating Ramen noodles & mac & cheese. So not for celiacs, then?

IDOLS 01... Rudy is singing "Free Ride", and the first several bars are completely unintelligible. Completely. In fact, I can't tell what he's singing until he says "come on and take a free ride". After the chorus, I again can't tell what he's singing. It was campy, there was very little charisma, and come on. This is your one shot to show America who you are, and you come out here and sing a boring, overdone song that they play on TV commercials every five minutes? Terrible song choice, no enunciation, an awful bore. Ok, so he blew it. Unless someone else totally tanks, I think he's out.

After the break, Chris Sligh says that tonight is all about the guys looking pretty. Ryan is all, "Ok, you stay over there..." (so I can join you later...) Ryan is so in love.

IDOLS 02... Brandon Rogers is the one who sang backup for Christina and Usher and others, and now he's ready to take the spotlight. Ok, when the lights come up he's already singing, which is weird, and he's singing all slow and low, and I think he's going for a sultry effect, but really I'm just confused yet waiting for something big. Then the tempo picks up, and he is singing "I Wanna Rock with You". He's on pitch the whole song, that's fine. Smooth, velvety voice. Enunciation is way better than that guy who went first (too forgettable to name, and it would require scrolling for me to find the name for you... Well, yes, I do realize I could have scrolled in the time that I typed all this about scrolling, but see my hands and wrists didn't have to move for me to keep typing). Very warm, charming, sexy. Yes, woohoo, but I have to say, I was incredibly underwhelmed by his entire performance. I kept waiting for him to bust out and start belting some notes into the atmosphere. I felt like the song was pitched too low for him. I hope I'm not detecting a Studdardesque laziness in him. Eh, I think he'll stay, but for me it wasn't vote-worthy. He'll be safe on his smile alone, though.

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Rating: 2.5/5 (26 votes cast)

Comments (14) | American Idol ~ | SarahK's TV stuff
Dog Bites Man; Muslims Are Offended; Americans Want to Win
Posted by Frank J. at 05:22 PM | Email This

The Drudge Report has results of a poll showing that Americans want to win in the war in Iraq like that's something surprising. Of course we want to win. That's why we're Americans. By definition we want to win. If we didn't want to win, we wouldn't be Americans. If anyone wants to lose, he should move to Europe (I'd say Canada, but that's too close for a loser to be to America).

I can't see how any of that is controversial.

BTW, I know the phrase "Muslims are offended" isn't as oft used as "Dog bites man" as an example of a non-story, but I was just noticing how you can add that phrase to the end of any news headline and it won't look out of place. E.g.:

* Smith's lover testifies on burial plans; Muslims are offended

* 'Miracle baby' homecoming delayed; Muslims are offended

* Cisco says 77 of its routers open to 'drive-by pharming'; Muslims are offended

Not only does it look in place at the end of any story, it's probably also true.

Rating: 2.1/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (17)
Burial
Posted by Laurence Simon at 03:02 PM | Email This

Q) With all the headlines and breaking news over the court battle to determine who has custody of Anna Nicole Smith's corpse, whipping every branch of the media into celerity news mode madness, what's the one thing that should be buried that nobody's rushing to bury?

Read More...


Rating: 1.8/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (10)
The War in Iraq: Worse than Vietnam But Not as Bad as the Carter Administration
Posted by Frank J. at 01:22 PM | Email This

Not sure what to make of all this data, but I was alerted to it by an e-mail Jonah Goldberg received and posted in The Corner. There's a site that has military statistics including casualties. If you look at data going from 2004 to 1980, the amount of military deaths in each of the past few years were less than that in 1980 (actually, the early eighties were the worst in recent times due to a much higher accident rate).

BTW, if you want to compare Vietnam versus the war in Iraq, here's Vietnam military casualties and casualties from Operation Iraqi Freedom (and here's from Operation Enduring Freedom just because no one ever brings that one up).

And, for historical purposes, here's the official record for all American wars.

Make of it what you will.

Rating: 2.5/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (13)
People Who Disagree with Me Should Be Rounded Up and Put into Camps
An Editorial by Frank J.
Posted by Frank J. at 10:57 AM | Email This

 Many people disagree with me. Some of those people even live in this great nation of ours. I call these disagreeable people "liberals." Usually I find these people entertaining for they would walk around and say their crazy things and then I would throw stuff at them (often batteries) and laugh. But, in this time of war, there are more important things than laughing at people and throwing stuff at them. Plus, I need to save the batteries for emergency purposes if terrorists attack. These liberals only get in the way in time of war and make our troops and, more importantly, me angry. The many stupid dumb things they say only make this country worse. So we should round them up and put them into camps.

"Right now they act like they don't want to go to camp, but, by the end of summer, they'll be begging to stay."

 You're probably saying, "Frank, you can't just round up everyone who disagrees with you and put them in camps." You are right. I need your help to do this. There are many people who need to be rounded up and they are not very bright and will be easily confused, so getting all these people rounded up will require many people, time, and patience. Plus, we will need trucks or something to bring these people to the camps after the rounding up. Alternatively, we'll need large crates and postage.

"But won't the liberals not like being rounded up and put in camps? Haven't they been whining about that possibility for some time." True, but you know how these people are. Right now they act like they don't want to go to camp, but, by the end of summer, they'll be begging to stay. Which is good because they'll be in camp forever. Also, anyone who tries to escape will be shot in the face as is standard practice.

Camp will be great fun, too. They will have swimming, badminton, and macaroni art. They will also make wallets which you can buy. For those of you who are saying, "But I don't want my money in anything those liberals touched!" that's a bad attitude. Please support the camp because liberals tried hard to make these wallets. One activity in the camp was going to be reeducation, but then I saw how dumb liberals are and decided reeducation would be too hard. Instead of reeducation, there will be a three-legged race.

So where should the camps be? I don't know, as I'm not good with geography. All I know is that I don't want them near me because liberals whine a lot and I don't want to have to hear that when I'm on my back porch smoking a cigar. Also, it could cause my dog to bark. Again, I'm not good with geography, so I'm not sure where not near me is. Someone who has a map should look up where I am and then not put the camps there.

This is a great plan that you should support. In this time of war, other countries will see America united together because everyone who doesn't unite will be in camps. This will scare other countries and their leaders will pee themselves in public venues. The troops will be happy because everyone in America will support them and their mission because, once again, those who don't support them will be in camps. Also, the troops will have new wallets.

Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as "The Chronicles of Dubya Volume 1: The Defeat of Saddam" and "People Who Disagree with Me Should Be Hit with This Book" which is now available in hardcover edition.

Rating: 2.7/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (35) | Editorials
I Just Have to Ask
Posted by Frank J. at 09:00 AM | Email This

If the issues behind global warming are scientific and indisputable, then why is the main proponent of combating it a below average student who majored in English and government? I mean, I once owned a barometer, so, by these standards, I'm over-qualified to talk about climatology.

BTW, I should tell you that, if we try to combat climate change, WE WILL ALL DIE! This isn't a political issue; it's a moral one... so don't argue with me or you're immoral.

Rating: 1.8/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (15)
Soon To Be Eaten By A Very Angry Rottweiler
Posted by Harvey at 08:53 AM | Email This

Senator John McCain recently criticized Donald Rumsfeld's handling of the Iraq War, saying "I think that Donald Rumsfeld will go down in history as one of the worst secretaries of defense in history."

Jimmy Carter's SECDEF Harold Brown was reportedly thrilled at the prospect of having his picture moved up a notch on the Wall of Shame.

So why exactly IS Captain Combover so pissed at Rummy?

I have several theories...:



* Frank J. never wrote an In My World featuring McCain's dog - "Yips: The World's Annoyingest Poodle".

* Unlike McCain, Rumsfeld favors abortions - as late as the 300th trimester for terrorists.

* Amongst his other blunders in Iraq, Rumsfeld gave Iraqis MORE freedom of speech during the 60 days preceeding an election.

* Jealous of Rumsfeld's ability to remove a human spine with one lightning-fast, yet seemingly casual, hand gesture.

* While McCain was filibustering in the Senate, Rumsfeld was filibustering Mrs. McCain.

* Next to Rumsfeld's pile of strangled terrorists, reporters, and Democrats, McCain's pile of strangled Tickle-Me-Elmos just looks kinda sad.

* Thanks to Rumsfeld, McCain's "Gang of 14" has become known as the "Gang of beaten-up lunch-money hander-overers"

* Although "Gang of the wedgied" is becoming the increasingly common term.

* Rumsfeld kept popping out of random closets and yelling "Torture!", just to watch McCain flinch.

* A little miffed about Rumsfeld's plan to invade Arizona and steal its illegal immigrants.

* Two words: Hairline Envy



Any other possibilities?

Rating: 1.9/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (11)
With Our Nation's Socialists In Charge...
Posted by spacemonkey at 12:00 AM | Email This

With the Democrats in charge of the the congress I was worried about some serious stuff.

I was worried they'd try to cut and run out of Iraq.
I was worried they'd molly coddle up with socialist dictators.
I was worried they'd badmouth the president from foreign soil and at home. And they didn't disappoint.

But at least now with the democrats in charge, and if Barbara Boxer has her say, the planes will run on time.

Rating: 3.0/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (5)
February 19, 2007
Top Ten Reasons Why Britney Shaved Her Head
Posted by spacemonkey at 10:29 PM | Email This

10: She forgot the number for 911.

9. No one had taken her photo in two and half seconds.

8. Someone told her white was the new black.She thought they meant supremacists.

7. Felt like she was missing out on stuff, y'know LIFE. Life as a bald person.

6. K-Fed was the one that always picked out the bowl.

5. Tired of everyone calling her a dumb blond.

4 Figured no one would notice her kewl new neck tattoo if it was covered up with stupid hair stuff.

3. For a million dollars.

2. So she could get beamed up on the spaceship that's following the comet.

And the number 1 reason B.S. shaved her head.

Read More...


Rating: 2.3/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Humor
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 04:08 PM | Email This

Now that the war in Iraq is the worst thing ever in the history of everything--including all actual events plus anything conceived in fiction (it's worst than the destruction of Alderaan!)--what will happen if the war expands into Iran?

Read More...


Rating: 2.7/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (12) | Fun Trivia
Merger
Posted by Laurence Simon at 03:04 PM | Email This

Q: What's the best thing to come out of the Sirius-XM merger?

Read More...


Rating: 2.7/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Straw Poll
Posted by Laurence Simon at 02:46 PM | Email This

I've just received an email requesting that I post the Pajamas Media Straw Poll widget to determine your choice for the 2008 election, so here goes:

What kind of straw do you like to use?
Straight straw
Bendy straw
Crazy straw
I use a brick, because the Big Bad Wolf can blow down straw and wood.
No opinion
  
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Oh, and the "Tech Lair" on that site has absolutely nothing to do with me.

But if I were some kind of Mega Man videogame character, well, yes I'd be the Tech Lair and my weapon would be a laser-cannon arm.

POW! POW! POW! Take that, Doctor Wily!

Rating: 3.0/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (4)
The Iraq War Is the Worst Thing Ever in the History of Everything
Posted by Frank J. at 01:36 PM | Email This

Harry Reid has declared Iraq the "worst foreign policy mistake in the history of this country." He says he'll pass a non-binding resolution saying as much... or go masturbate in his office which is basically an equivalent action. Now, I always thought our worst foreign policy mistake was not eradicating Italy when we had the chance. Even now, Italy plots against us. Who knows what evil thoughts Italians have going on under those greasy heads of hair?

But I digress. The point here is that Democrat rhetoric has gone from "Iraq is Vietnam" to "Iraq is Vietnam times two!" So how long until hyperbole increases to the point that the war in Iraq becomes worse than the Holocaust? Well, I'm thinking sometime before the 2008 elections we'll hear Democrats say, "If I had to choose between stopping the Iraq war or stopping all Jews from being eradicated, I think the choice is obvious." President Bush will decry such language, but he's worse than Satan.

Rating: 2.0/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (88)
IMAO is New Daylight Savings Time Compliant! (we think)
Posted by Laurence Simon at 12:15 PM | Email This

For those of you worrying about the New Daylight Savings Time plot by Communists, Bill Gates, and Best Buy to get you to buy new compliant software and consumer goods because DST has been moved up to March 11th in the US, relax - IMAO is fully New DST-compliant.

I mean, Spacemonkey just installed all the patches and handed us pills to swallow on March 10th, the night before the New DST takes effect. And we've got years of supplies and ammunition stockpiled in Harvey's basement in case civilization collapses all around us.

What could possibly go wrong?

Rating: 1.4/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (9)
A Scientifical Humor Analysis of The 1/2Hour News Hour
Posted by Frank J. at 11:03 AM | Email This

Many of you may be unfamiliar with scientifical* humor analysis. While I won't go over all of general humor theory, here are two fundamental rules of humor:

1. The evolutionary purpose of humor is to enforce social structure by ridiculing undesired behavior. This is best observed in the good feeling of being in a group laughing versus the bad feeling of being laughed at by a group.

2. All humor is ridiculing undesired human behavior. Thus, animals are only funny so much as we can project human characteristic onto them.

Already, you can see why a show that ridicules liberals would have an advantage among conservatives, because, to them, liberalism is essentially an undesired behavior to be corrected through ridicule. This is also why liberals don't consider conservatives to be funny since liberals are often the ones laughed at, and being laughed at causes the opposite sensation of laughing with a group.

Measuring the level of humor of a joke is tricky as who the joke is being told to has a large effect on the humor perceptions of the joke. Not only do the joke recipients own prejudices and beliefs about human behavior have to be factored in, but so does that person's affinity for the joke teller and other joke recipients who may or may not be laughing at the joke.

Ignoring most societal factors (for this show, we're going to assume the joke recipient is watching the TV alone and has no special affinity for the fake new anchors since they are unknown actors), how funny a joke is comes down to the level of brain activation in comprehending the joke within approximately a quarter second of the joke telling. This comprehension can be do to the cleverness of a joke or processing it ridiculousness (for instance, seeing someone hit in the face with a pie if you have never seen such a thing before). I say approximately a quarter second because this space of humor activation--the cumulation period--varies from person to person, but this short time period is the sweet spot of humor. The more activation in the cumulation period, the more the humor area of the brain is activated. After this time period, the initial brain activity when the joke was first told will have died down and will not be compensated by the new activity. That's why if a joke takes too long to comprehend, humor is lost. This ignores the delayed humor reaction in which, due to confusion, the cumulation period happens well after the joke was told. The reason brain activation is translated to humor is because, when a certain amount of brain activity is caused by another's words, this is interpreted by the brain as showing that your thoughts are similar to that of the joke teller. Because of the social nature of humor, a perception of a similarity of beliefs and intelligence is most important.

For example, take this joke:

A woman orders a pizza. The pizza chef asks the woman if she wants it cut into six or eight slices and she replies, "Six slices. I couldn't possibly eat eight."

For a child who just learned the principle of the conservation of matter, this involves a large amount of brain activation and is perceived as quite funny. For most adults, the brain activation in comprehending the joke is low which causes most laymen to label the joke as "cheesy."

Here comes the problem in marketing humor to a large audience. While its easy to find jokes that cause a low level of activation in most people, a certain joke will only cause high levels of activation in a very specific group. By going for the funniest jokes for a certain audience, other audiences will be confounded or bored.

Jokes are rated on the Fleming Brain Activation Scale which ranges from zero to ten. The extremes are both theoretical as comprehending any joke takes some brain activation thus making a zero impossible to obtain. Also, a high amount of brain activity in a short amount of time would activate a self-defense mechanism that would shut down the brain. Thus, before a level ten could be reached, the joke recipient would black out and forget the joke due to short term loss quite similar to be being knocked out with a tire iron.

Focusing only on brain activation misses two important factors, though: Approval and disapproval. If one already as a dislike of the joke teller or the subject causes offense, this can keep the humor area of the brain from activation despite high activity within the cumulation period. This is why liberals seem immune to clever jokes from conservatives. On the other hand, if there is already high approval of the joke teller or the joke is aimed at something highly disapproved, then humor activation takes less brain activity within the cumulation period. This is commonly known as the "girlfriend effect" seen when a girl laughs at all the jokes of a new boy friend. She is essentially submitting to his views on human behavior as is common in the mating process. This is also seen when liberals laugh at "BusHitler" jokes that don't seem to be clever at all. Contrary to popular opinion, this isn't forced laughter as the end humor activation is exactly the same as that which would be obtained through humor activation obtained solely through stimulation of brain activity within the cumulation period.

Now, with that explained, we can move on to analyzing The 1/2 Hour News Hour.

Read More...


Rating: 2.5/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (17) | Why Me Laugh?
February 18, 2007
1/2 Hour News Hour Quick React
Posted by Frank J. at 10:49 PM | Email This

Found it as funny as SNL Weekend Update (well, back when I used to watch SNL), but not funnier despite being tailored to my own biases.

So, not a train wreck, but plenty of room for improvement. Scientifical analyis tomorrow. Right now, I watch Battlestar Gallactica which is consistently hilarious.

UPDATE:

Allahpundit of Hot Air has clips and his review.

Rating: 1.8/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Environmental Tip Of The Day
Posted by Laurence Simon at 02:47 PM | Email This

Just in case things weren't too insane in the world, let's check in on India:

Police announced they uncovered a plastic bag stuffed with the skeletal remains of at least six newborns Sunday after searching the grounds of a Christian missionary hospital in the central Indian town of Ratlam.

Plastic?

Don't they know that using paper is better for the environment?

Rating: 2.6/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (4)
Tonight and Tomorrow
Posted by Frank J. at 02:32 PM | Email This

Tonight at 10pm ET on FOX News is The 1/2Hour News Hour show. Tomorrow I'll have a scientifical analysis of whether or not it was funny as I think I'm the only one schooled enough in the science of humor to do such an analysis. This analysis will be objective and indisputable and thus should be the final word on whether The 1/2Hour News Hour will be a boon or bane to the perceptions of conservative comedy. So tune into FOX News tonight for possible comedy and to IMAO tomorrow for assured navel gazing.

Rating: 2.9/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (4)
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 02:19 PM | Email This

246 Congressmen voted for the non-binding resolution opposing the current military action in Iraq. What about them am I questioning?

Read More...


Rating: 2.3/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (7) | Fun Trivia
February 17, 2007
Is Britney Spears Going Down a Bad Road?
Posted by RightWingDuck at 12:38 PM | Email This

Rating: 2.0/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (10)
February 16, 2007
Realization
Posted by Frank J. at 06:45 PM | Email This

The Democrats who are too impotent and cowardly to do something substantive like stopping funding of the war so instead they settled on attacking the troops morale by passing a non-binding resolution in the House (well, two whole Democrats voted against it, while seventeen Republicans voted for it). They basically told the troops, "Nah! Nah! You're risking your lives and getting shot at for nothing! Nah! Nah!"

This is what I pay taxes for?

Now I've realized a truth: I hate the Democrats. I know Jesus says I shouldn't hate people, like I should love the Democrats but hate their Democratting - ya know, the pissant, cowardly, borderline treasonous stuff they do. But right now I hate them.

Eh... maybe I'll feel better tomorrow...

UPDATE:

I agree with Captain Ed; those who voted for this resolution aren't traitors... they're just functionally the same as traitors but without the intent.

Rating: 1.6/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (29)
How exactly does one plead insanity under Sharia Law?
Posted by Laurence Simon at 03:14 PM | Email This

Steve Martin's classic "Hostages" routine:

I finally got something that I wanted, something that I didn't have. I saw on TV people having these things, and so many people had them and I thought, Āehey, IĀfd like to take some hostages too! So i took some, stuck them in a sack and now they'fre out on the flagpole, and IĀ'm going to blow them up at midnight.

Unless, if I get my three demands:

A hundred thousand dollars in cash.

A getaway car.

The letterĀ M stricken from the English language.

See, the trick to getting what you want is to have two realistic demands, and then one crazy, impossible one thatĀfd never ever work in a million years. That way, if you get caught, you can plead insanity.

New York Sun:

The letter "X" soon may be banned in Saudi Arabia because it resembles the mother of all banned religious symbols in the oil kingdom: the cross.

Here's the 64,000 Riyal question: How exactly do you cross out an X? It's not like you can just X it out, because you end up with an even bigger X.

Or as my friend Uncle Guido says, "In Riyadh, they play Tic Tac Toe with real toes."

Rating: 3.1/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (20)
What is Mahmoud Abbas Praying For? #24
Posted by Laurence Simon at 02:02 PM | Email This

It's Friday, so it's time for the wire services to post the non sequitur non-news story of Mahmoud Abbas praying at a mosque.

However, this week's different... this week we're going to start a new feature called:

WHAT IS MAHMOUD ABBAS PRAYING FOR?

So, from Mahmoud Abbas' expressions, can you tell what Mahmoud Abbas is praying for?

Is it:

a) Why is there carpeting in this mosque? Why can't there be carpeting in the Ramallah mosque he uses all the time?

b) There's a dog food that makes its own gravy? Since when? And what does it taste like?

c) Leo Laporte to stop calling him about starting a daily podcast.

d) A DNA sample from Anna Nicole Smith. Or, failing that, to lea- [ed- STOP IT!]

e) The Jews to strike oil during their attempts to destroy the Al-Aqsa mosque so there's at least something worth killing them all over besides rocks and dirt.

or

f) NONE OF THE ABOVE

Put your guesses in the comments.

Rating: 3.4/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (15)
Friday Catblogging Returns!
Posted by Laurence Simon at 10:13 AM | Email This

Since it's Friday, I thought I'd spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka "I-MEOW").

My Sony P-52 digital camera died, so I was without a still camera for weeks... until... my beloved Valentine gave to me a Canon PowerShot SD800IS Digital Elph.

It's so much nicer than flowers... and it's the gift that keeps on giving! (Okay, I gave her flowers and a Franklin's worth of random bath stuff from the local Pier One clone... I suck)

Anyway, it's time for Nardo the Flippykitty:

If you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Nardo is... um...

Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.


The six catcams are on during the day, every weekday.

Friday Ark #126 is at The Modulator.

Carnival of the Cats is at Pets Garden Blog on Sunday at 18:00.

Read More...


Rating: 2.9/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (13) | Friday Cat-Blogging
February 15, 2007
A Common Cause with the Nutroots
Posted by Frank J. at 01:42 PM | Email This

At Daily Kos, they found a soldier who wants his funding cut. He argues of all the advantages and then puts up a poll for the Kwazy Kos Kids who have been doing the secular version of praying for failure for years. Guess what the results are? Over 90% are for defunding the war.

I think the Democrats should listen to them.

As you all know, only the Sith and rightwingers speak in absolutes, and thus I'm for either fighting the war full-bore or totally giving up. Kill or don't kill; there is no peacekeeping. The worst thing is this morass where everyone has given up on winning but are too cowardly to end things. Giuliani recently talked about the gutlessness of a non-binding resolution and urged those who believed so to actually propose defunding the war.

So here are where we should join with the nutroots: We should work together together to force Congress to debate and then vote on defunding the war. The choice has to be fight or don't fight; let's stop trying to find some non-existent middle ground. If the public rallies behind one or the other, at least we have an answer on where we stand. I think activists on both sides can agree that this is the debate we need going into the 2008 presidential elections, so let's find a way to make it happen.

Rating: 3.3/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (15)
Ask Dr. Duck. The Answers.
Posted by RightWingDuck at 12:11 PM | Email This

Who said I never have any of the answers.

Besides all of you.

Dr. Duck is here once again to provide aid and comfort to all the faithful IMAO readers. Yesterday, I asked you for questions on relationships. Relationships and love and understanding: these are the things that I know best.

**

Are you ever going to restore the trust of your loyal readers by answering the OTHER Dr. Ducky questions? If not why not?
Posted by: Brian The Adequate

Brian,

The reason I didnít answer those questions is that they were too sweet and tender. I felt that by answering them I would have taken away from their sincerity and beauty.

Trust. Loyalty. These are good things. Not as good as money. If I did answer some of those old questions would readers buy Frank Jís new book?

Maybe. Iíll consider going back and answering those questions, unless theyíre stupid and irritating. Which they almost always are.

**


Who decided that the heart is the "organ" of love and emotion? Why not the pancreas, or the left kidney?
Posted by: PaleoMedic


True Story: A long time ago, an Italian named Federico Von Brooklyn devoted his kidney to his one true love. She felt it was a wonderful gesture since the kidneys work so hard to pump blood to the body. Unfortunately, Frederico ended up donating his kidney to his cousin, Muaricio Von Manhattan. Since Federico had dedicated his kidney to his woman, she had no choice but to follow that kidney and go live with his cousin, where they had 12 kids and attended monster truck rallies.

Ever since, the heart has become the organ of choice to express love as the heart filters out impurities in the system although occasionally you can get heart stones. Which are painful to pass.

**

If I am a guy, and my girlfriend is a girl and she makes more money than I, would it be wrong to ask her to pay for dinner tonight? Wouldn't the fact that she makes more money than I mitigate my manhood, making her more of the man and I less of it?
Posted by: some goon

Whenever a man makes less money than his woman, it seems that it elicits snickers.

Not the laughter Ė the candy bar.

Because youíre gay.

Iím sorry. Women make a lot less money than men, thatís why itís always a good idea to hire them (that and theyíre usually easy on the eyes.) By making less than a woman, you are less of a man. I know thatís old fashioned but there you have it.

So you have two options. You can sit on the couch crying, eating cream while watching Brokeback Mountain Ė or Ė you can go out there and make more money. If thatís too much, then try getting her fired.

By the way, she should pay for dinner. Itís traditional. The man pays.

**

My girlfriend has this really annoying habit of asking me to do something later in the day (asking at 10am for something that needs to be done at 8pm for example) and then throughout the day keeps reminding me about it. This is really annoying because she has already told me once, I have a good memory, and I usually have no problem doing what she asked, is there a way you would recommend getting her to stop telling me the same thing over and over and just to tell me once?
Posted by: -[Medic]-

This is a Men Are From Earth moment. The reality is that women communicate by nagging. Men communicate by grunting and high fives. This is the natural order of things and it's wrong to try to disturb it. Whenever a woman n ags me, I try to compensate for it by imagining her naked. If she's fat, try thinking of Scarlett Johannsen or some other Hollywood Hottie.

**

Ducky, do you form a new relationship each season after you fly north. What about the extra two wives, did you loose them to predation or a couple of tough duck hunting seasons. What about molting, has that ever been an issue.
Oh never mind, I know Iíll never get answers.
Posted by: Neo-andertal

Itís not you. Itís just that your questions are so weird. Even by IMAO standards. But youíre a good kid. Hereís a nickel.

(5 cents)

**
Is it a good idea to take a woman to Pizza Hut on Valentine's Day? What if you use a coupon to pay for a good deal of it?
Posted by: Silicon Valley Jim


Of course itís okay to pay for Pizza Hut with a coupon. Unless the coupon is for something else; like Dominoes or 1000 free hours of AOL.

**
What about those of us on the opposite end of the good/bad relationship spectrum on Valentine's Day? What would you recommend as an appropriate way to call things off? Besides a singing telegram from a guy in a bear suit holding a balloon, of course.
Posted by: Sixth Sense

Sometimes, the easiest thing is to make her dump YOU. My recommendation: During a very passionate moment, call her ďEduardo.Ē Sheíll take it from there.

**

Is a Vacuum Cleaner a good or bad gift for your wife on Valentines Day?
Posted by: ussjimmycarter

Vacuum cleaners are a tricky gift to a woman. What youíre saying is that sheís only good for cleaning. This is a bad message.

I suggest you give her a vacuum AND a frying pan.


**
What's the going rate on a fifth of vodka and a Playboy? Is it more than an average Valentine's day date?
Posted by: Elliott


$12.50

Make sure you buy them at the same time. One time, I thought I got drunk and thought I was buying Playboy. I woke up hung over do discover that it wasnít Playboy it was..um. Letís just say there were Snickers wrappers involved.

**

How many times was I a baby?
Posted by: Hebert

After much research and several millions in grants, science has come up with an answer to that.

Once.

This decision was nearly unanimous except for the 55% of scientists who said "Two" because of global warming.

**
Dear Duck,
If I had gotten a vaccuum on Valentines Day instead of the 3rd Season of Lois and CLARK, would it have been wrong to dump green glow-y rocks in my hubby's coffee?
Posted by: shimauma


I get it. Kryptonite. Thatís funny.

Lois and Clark is on its third season?

I can see how getting a vacuum would suck.

Get it? Suck. HAHAHAHAHAHa.

I kill me.

**
Dear Duck,
If I had gotten a vaccuum cleaner on Valentines Day instead of the 3rd Season of Lois and CLARK, would it have been wrong to dump green glow-y rocks in my hubby's coffee?
Posted by: shimauma

Huh?

**
Whoa! Double post, my bad...spankings all around!
Posted by: shimauma on February 14, 2007 10:13 PM

*

Yeah!!!!! A spanking, A spanking.
Posted by: Dan M

*
Dan meet Shimauma. Shimauma Dan.

Hurray. Iíve helped another couple find happiness. I love being a doctor


**

Thanks to all who participated. Remember, IMAO is the home of really bad humor. The Dr. Duck segment is your chance to be a part of that.

Rating: 2.5/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Right-Wing Hatemongerer Joins Duncan Hunter Campaign
Posted by Frank J. at 10:58 AM | Email This

John Hawkins, best know for hate-filled, obscenity laced rants on his blog Right Wing News, has joined the Duncan Hunter campaign. This after John Hawkins wrote a scathing article about Duncan Hunter in which Hawkins said such things as:

"...Hunter won't get traction..."

"He has... significant scandals..."

"...Duncan Hunter is... gay..."

Has this blogger been paid off to tone down his rhetoric? Obviously. If you check the Right Wing News archives, you'll notice all his vulgar rants about interest rates aren't there anymore and have been replaced with pictures of his dog Patton. But we can't let presidential campaigns get away with hiring hate-filled bloggers. John Hawkins is nothing but a raunchy bigot - he's the Amanda Marcotte of the blogosphere - and he must be stopped. He even has linked approvingly to the known hate site IMAO which has on numerous occasions called for the extermination of all Muslims (BTW, know who should be exterminated? All Muslims).

Duncan Hunter should know that if he doesn't disavow John Hawkins and IMAO, I have a pretty vicious rant and an important action alert lined up. That's right: Not just an action alert, but an important one. If it's let loose, Hunter's presidential ambitions will be over before they've even started.

Rating: 2.3/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (11)
Will FOX News Kill Conservative Humor?
Posted by Frank J. at 09:41 AM | Email This

FOX News will be showing this Sunday at 10pm the Half Hour News Hour made by 24 creator Joel Surnow that's supposed to be the conservative answer to Daily Show. So, there is going to be a show out front and center saying, "This is conservative humor!" and, from brief glimpses so far, it looks like it's going to suck (check out the awful promo here and here is Ace on what looks wrong with the show and a new clip with Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter here).

You've seen the liberal trolls who assert that conservatives don't know humor. If this is bad as many think it will be, this will be the proof that conservatives are lame and no network will take a chance on a conservative comedy show ever again.

But I don't care. It's not like I'm trying to break into the TV industry. I'm actually trying to write science fiction. Books are where the future is; after the internet, TV, and radio fads finally die out, everyone will be going back to books.

Anyway, maybe it won't suck... but it doesn't really have to be good either. Considering all the complaints about the left-wing tilt of other late night shows, I think mediocre is all the Half Hour News Hour needs to aim for. And, even if it is a train derailing as it hits the Hindenburg, I don't fear long lasting effects for conservative humorists such as myself. The biggest risk is to tarnish FOX News when the "Fair and Balanced" network has a show dedicated to making fun of liberals. That's kinda ruins their plausible deniability of their bias that at least every other news channel maintains.

Anyway, I'll give you an objective comedic analysis of the show after it premieres on Sunday... something you won't get anywhere else because, frankly, no one else is smart enough or understands the science of humor like I do. One of these days I need to get to writing that thesis paper on humor...

IMAO FUN ACTIVITY: BTW, I found two parts of the clip with Limbaugh and Ann Coulter funny. If you can correctly identify which two things made me chuckle, you'll win IMAO bonus points redeemable for IMAO prizes!

UPDATE:

Iowahawk weighs in with a rave review.

Rating: 2.1/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (20)
February 14, 2007
American Idol -- Cut to 24 -- Dun Dun Dunnnnn
Posted by sarahk at 11:54 PM | Email This

So here we go. They don't actually have any singing competitions to get from the cut to 40 that they did last night to the cut to 24 that they're doing tonight. It's just something so the 40 kids can get really excited and think they made it, but then for 16 of them, the judges say, "Oh no, not you. Sorry to get you all lathered up for your deluxe pedicure just to tell you that you don't even get a basic foot rub."

Sanjaya Malakar. Of course, we know he's going through. He's a great voice. Could stand to eat a sandwich, because half of him is split off into his twin sister, but sings well whether he throws up all his meals or not. I kid; no, I'm not starting a rumor that he's bulimic, I'm just making a joke that he's skinny, give the poor kid a break. I'm just envious, come on! I'd kill for that fluffy hair, too! Anyway, he's in.

Anna Kearns is the girl who says she's 6'13" with heels or something, and I don't think she's going to Hollywood. And I'm right, she's out.

Bernard Williams is someone I've never even seen, so I'm thinking he's out. Yes, he's out. Someone named Eric Davis is out. All of the contestants who are left are pretending to be sad when the contestants get eliminated, but really in their minds they're saying, hey, that's one more slot that's open for me!

Oh, that makes me sad. Tami Gosnell is out. She's the pedicab driver from what, San Francisco? Auditioned in Memphis or something? I don't quite remember, but she was soulful, modest, original, I thought she was one of the better auditions, and definitely one of the better girls. Maybe she didn't undress enough for the show. Shame on AI. I think I would have voted for her often.

Frank and I are wondering about the opera girl, Rachel Zevita, from New York. She was an early favorite of ours, and we haven't heard anything of her since her audition. Nothing in Hollywood week that I remember. Her myspace page hasn't been updated (Frank googled her, no, I'm not stalking her, so shut UP!).

Melinda Doolittle, the backup singer, is staying for the voting. Simon has very nice things to say to her and tells her it was unanimous, and she's earned her spot at the front of the stage. Hugs and kisses all around. Mwah!

Brandon Rogers, the other backup singer, comes in, and they show his Hollywood week stuff. He is singing that Bryan Adams song about really loving a woman. Um, please keep him. Pleeeeeeeeeeeease. Yay! They're keeping him!

The contestants so far seem more mature this year than last year. The ones they're letting through, anyway. I mean voices, not necessarily attitudes. Or whatever. I'm judging before the first commercial break. Shut up SarahK. Shut UP!

Read More...


Rating: 2.1/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (9) | American Idol ~ | SarahK's TV stuff
ACTION ALERT: Kill! Kill! Kill!
Posted by Frank J. at 04:30 PM | Email This

ACTION ALERT! ACTION ALERT!

These times demand decisive action. Stop what you're doing and kill something. Whether it's a plant, a bug, a hobo, a Unix process, or a blade of grass, kill something now.

Keeeeeeeeeeeel!!!

Show them our power and watch them tremble in fear!

END ACTION ALERT

Rating: 3.3/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (15)
He Shoots Malaise from His Fingertips!
Posted by Frank J. at 03:14 PM | Email This

Reader Christopher met a photoshop request for me:

emperor_carter.jpg
"Take that, you wascally wabbit!"

BTW, not that many people have participated in the GOP Straw Poll this week. You can vote in it every week and just need to click on the box on the left sidebar. Go vote before I start looking like a chump to the rest of Pajamas Media.

Rating: 2.4/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (13)
The Horrible Truth About The SLC Mall Massacre.
Posted by Laurence Simon at 01:59 PM | Email This

Well, if you haven't gone to Little Green Footballs yet, you're probably unaware of the horrible truth about the Salt Lake City Mall Massacre

The Mainstream Media are suppressing this information, and even Wikipedia's article on Sulejman Talovic is ripe with head-in-the-sand dhimmitude on the one bit of information you need to know to put it all into perspective...

Read More...


Rating: 2.8/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (11)
In My World: The Not That Odd Couple
Posted by Frank J. at 12:59 PM | Email This

"The Democrats and the terrorists have never agreed on anything," Representative John Murtha told the press, "Well, we both think that the Iraq war was a mistake, we oppose America acting unilaterally, we hate President Bush and everything he stands for, and we use troop deaths as an indication that our views are correct - but other than all that, we Democrats and the terrorists are complete opposites on everything. That is until today when we've come together to oppose Bush's new troop escalation."

"Bush is an infidel and a joooo!" the terrorist next to Murtha shouted.

Murtha chuckled. "Exactly. That why the terrorists and I have come up with a plan to finally end the war in Iraq. I call it the 'slow-bleed' strategy. At home, we Democrats will use our legislative powers to limit the number of troops available for Bush's war. In Iraq, the terrorists will use their guns and bombs to also limit the number of troops available. Together, we'll make sure that eventually there will be no troops in Iraq."

The press was stunned silent. One reporter finally said, "Uh... I'm from the New York Times, and even I think that might be treason."

"Treasonous like a fox!" Murtha said.

"New York is full of joooos!" the terrorist added.

Another reporter stepped forward. "I'm Melinda Hawkish from FOX News, and I have a question for the terrorist."

"What is it, filthy harlot?" the terrorist asked.

Melinda pulled out a gun and shot the terrorist in the kneecaps. She then took out a package of uncooked bacon and began shoving it into the terrorists mouth. "You want bacon? You want bacon?"

"That's unnecessarily combative!" Murtha shouted.

Melinda dropped the bacon. "Well, the only other questions FOX News is allowing me to ask are about Anna Nicole Smith."

"This press conference is over!" Murtha said. "Death to America!"

* * * *

Somewhere in Iraq, Buck the Marine was watching the news on TV with fellow Marines. "You ever get the feeling some of the America people and politicians don't support us?" Buck asked.

"It's not like they want us dead," Gomez said. "They just want us to lose and be humiliated."

"I thought I once heard that Murtha was a Marine," Johnson said.

"That's just a lie the enemy put out there to demoralize us," Buck responded. "Don't believe a word of it."

Rating: 2.5/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (8) | In My World
... because Shick wasn't willing to license razorblade gum?
Posted by Laurence Simon at 11:58 AM | Email This

I saw this on Gizmodo:

That's right. LEGO snack treats. Because nothing says love like teaching your kids the fuzzy, choking hazard barrier between food and fun.

According to the product page:

Kosher Status Not Certified

Folks, it doesn't take a rabbi to tell you that these things ain't Kosher.

This got me to thinking about Dangerous Snacks For Kids, teaching them to stick various hazardous objects into their mouths, and the first thing to come to mind was "Light Socket Lollipops."

Anybody out there as sick as me willing to give this challenge a shot? The comments are open.

Rating: 3.5/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (31)
Since I Assume My Readers Would Be Interested
Posted by Frank J. at 11:39 AM | Email This

Here's a clip of the new comedy show for FOX News, The Half-Hour News Hour (hat tip Hot Air):

I wasn't exactly bowled over, but I'm still anxious to see the final product.

I should do a top ten list of why conservatives can't be funny... unless I already did that...

Rating: 3.4/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (13)
Ask Dr. Duck: Valentines Edition
Posted by RightWingDuck at 11:35 AM | Email This

It has come to my attention that many IMAO readers will be celebrating Valentine's Day alone. This is not something to mock. It's never nice to mock losers.

So let me offer my advice.

Are you trying to woo a certain someone?

Are you having relationship problems?

I have answers. I've been happily married for 9 years. Of course, that involves 11 different wives, but 9 years is 9 years. So - HAH!!!

I'm sure you have questions.

Q: Is this one of those Ask Dr. Duck segments where you sit back and watch people fall over themselves to ask questions and then you ignore them?
A: Normally, yes. But it's Valentines Day and you've had enough time being ignored.

Q: Are you sure?
A: (Dr. Duck ignores this stupid question)

Q: But I'm happily involved in a relationship. I don't really have any questions.
A: Technically speaking, that wasn't a question.

Q: Sigh. Should I post a question even if I'm happily involvedi n a relationship?
A:. Yes! Because relationships could end at any moment. It could be ending right now!! Even as we speak, your boyfriend or girlfriend could be holding a press conference declaring themselves to be the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby.

Q: I don't know if I should post a question. You really don't give very good advice.
A: Look behind you, your significant other is giving a press conference right now! (Made you look.)

**

Answers will be posted later today!

BTW, in case my wife is reading this, I've been married 9 years to one lovely woman. Stop honey, don't go to that press conference!!!

Rating: 3.0/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (14)
Quick thought on Edwards 2008...
Posted by Laurence Simon at 10:23 AM | Email This

It looks like the Edwards Campaign is going through bloggers like Murphy Brown went through secretaries.

Rating: 3.0/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (4)
Happy Valentine's Day!
Posted by Frank J. at 09:22 AM | Email This

Today's Valentine's Day, the day I gloat about marrying my t-shirt babe and remind you all that you're losers.

Losers!

Ha ha ha ha ha!!!

Rating: 4.7/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (23)
February 13, 2007
American Idol -- Hollywood week! Yay!
Posted by sarahk at 10:43 PM | Email This

We're finally out of the auditions.

And -- SPOILER ALERT FOR CSI: HORATIO -- THAT WAS SUCH AN AWESOME EPISODE! Yes, we just finished it and are just now going to watch AI, but first, lemme gush. What an awesome ending, when Horatio nailed Clavo and Clavo totally looked surprised by it? Fantastic. I heart Horatio Caine! And Yay Yay Yay for Delko not being dead! But so so sad about him thinking Marisol is alive. When he asked Calleigh about Marisol. Oh. My heart. Oh, and how dumb is Boa Vista? When she saw the uncut diamond on the floor, I immediately said out loud, "Uncut diamond!" and Boa Vista said, "Piece of glass?" like you ever just see one solitary piece of glass laying on the floor like that. Like someone just dropped it on their way through to the recycle bin. I think I'll lay this piece of glass here. ?? Ditz. And y'all don't even start about David Caruso. He totally RAWKS!

Ahem. On to Idol.

Uhhh. Is that Katharine McPhee's CD cover? Suh-LUTT! I'm not saying she is one, I'm just saying that's what she looks like in that picture. Gen-you-wine bona fide slut.

Okay. Day 1 is the girls. They do a quick run-through of six girls, and some of them sound good, some bad, none awful, none great. They axe the whole first group. Bam. Wow, that'll make everyone else take notice. I think the only one I was surprised to see leave so early is Jory Steinberg.

Next. I expect this Perla Meneses girl to leave quickly. As fast as the first row. Oh good grief. Please don't put Salma Penelope Hayek Cruz through to the voting. Yikes, they kept her over more talented people. I mean really. Her over Jory Steinberg and that Rachel girl? And the other girls who can actually sing? This is a singing competition, Simon, not a gyrating competition. Simon warns her that she's more style over talent or something, blah blah blah, and she's crying, and you know what? Maybe one of those girls who got sent home will trade with you. Suck it up.

Baylie Brown, who my bff thinks looks exactly like my sister, sounds great. I'm glad she's staying. She's my pick for the final 12 girls.

Nicole and Nicole's mom. Um, you didn't make it. Leave. They look so pathetic when they beg. And even worse when they make their moms beg.

BTW, 24 blogging should return tomorrow. Should. I might do last night's episode tomorrow.

Read More...


Rating: 2.5/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (7) | American Idol ~ | SarahK's TV stuff
ACTION ALERT: Warm Feet
Posted by Frank J. at 10:24 PM | Email This

ACTION ALERT! ACTION ALERT!

Due to Amanda Marcotte's resignation, I must issue an important action alert. You all need to check to make sure you have clean socks for tomorrow.

END ACTION ALERT

Rating: 1.4/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Is Obama Waste-ist?
Posted by RightWingDuck at 04:57 PM | Email This

Obama. Obama. Obama.

How we longed to see your well spoken, clean face on TV, telling us all the things we wanted to hear.

But did we excpect this?

Did we expect you to say THIS?

We ended up launching a war that should have never been authorized, and should have never been waged, and to which we now have spent $400 billion, and have seen over 3,000 lives of the bravest young Americans wasted

I know what you're saying, Obama. This was a slip ot the tongue. That you're not waste-ist. That some of your best friends are in the military and any one of them will tell us that you never act that way.

Then you'll tell us that this was a botched statement. Of course this was not what you meant to say. What you meant to say was that you were criticizing the Bush Administration for having done an awful job with this war.

Of course you're not waste-ist.

So many young men and women have stepped forward to sacrifice everything and you support their cause. You admire them. Not in the way that says you'd ever invite one of THOSE people (Military Recruiters) to one of your elegant soirees, but in a way that says that by increasing the minimum wage we hope that poor people never have to enter the military again.

If we give them options, then "those people" would be able to create meaningful, productive lives in some minimum wage job.

Otherwise, they'd join the Army, go off to battle and die for their cause.

And that would be a waste.

Wouldn't it?

wasteist.JPG

Rating: 3.8/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Such "Feminism" Is an Insult to Man and Woman
Posted by Frank J. at 01:28 PM | Email This

Not to beat a dead horse here, but it's been so long since I encountered one of these weak-willed, hysterical women who bill themselves as "feminists" like Amanda Marcotte. She made a fool of herself and John Edwards, and now she has some rants up playing herself the stereotypical victim to all those stronger, mean men out there. It's disgusting, really. A woman with self-esteem would admit her mistake and take the consequences... not try and dodge them by hiding behind rantings about a "patriarchy." I know many strong women in my life, and these "feminists" do nothing more than make a virtue out of weakness. Women have gained too much over too long a period to have to suffer the likes of such fools.

Rating: 2.0/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (30)
Announcefisking of Amandagon
Posted by spacemonkey at 12:45 PM | Email This

From here:

I was hired by the Edwards campaign
But not fired, they were willing to keep you due to whatever passes for wisdom among preening sissyboys these days.
for the skills and talents
Unnamed skills and talents I guess. Herding cats? Stringing anti-Christian epithets using 4 letter words is a skill and talent? DU and dKos have a lot of skilled and talented people too, then.
I bring to the table
As long as you're bringing things to the table, Fetch my supper!
, and my willingness to work hard for whatís right.
I thought there were only shades of gray. OK you were fighting for YOUR shade of gray.

[more below the fold]

Read More...


Rating: 2.5/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (13)
They don't name tornadoes, you know.
Posted by Laurence Simon at 12:32 PM | Email This

Apparently, a tornado hit New Orleans early today, killing an elderly woman and hurting 15 others and causing extensive damage.

Kanye West is still trying to get his running shoes on to rush to the scene to blame Bush while Sean Penn has already filled a racecar with cameramen to survey the scene and offer no assistance to the victims.

Meanwhile, Comic Relief is going to throw together a quick 32-second telethon to benefit the victims, consisting of all of Whoopi Goldberg's jokes and a 30-second commercial.

Rating: 3.2/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (6)
The body isn't even cold yet...
Posted by Laurence Simon at 12:30 PM | Email This

TMZ is reporting that there's a "tug of war" going on over Anna Nicole Smith's corpse.

(Make your own "tugging" jokes here.)

Rating: 3.1/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Even Pulpage
Posted by Frank J. at 12:27 PM | Email This

So exactly what breed of puppy is Glenn Reynolds planning on blending?

Rating: 2.6/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (3)
Crazy, Hate-Filled Blogger Who Was Forced to Resign for Craziness and Hate Responds with Crazy Hate
Posted by Frank J. at 10:48 AM | Email This

NOTE: Just assume all the links here have a profanity warning, and, if you trust me (why wouldn't you?), there's really no reason to go check them out.

Amanda Marcotte, here's something to consider: Maybe it's you.

How blissfully unaware can someone so hate-filled be? I have some views that people would consider extreme - everyone does - but I understand what I would look like trying to shove those views down everyone's throats because IT'S SO OBVIOUS THAT I'M RIGHT TO ANYONE WHO IS NOT INSANE OR STUPID OR PART OF THE PATRIARCHAL OPPRESSORS!!! @#$% YOU ALL IN THE @#$%!!!

Amanda Marmoset apparently lacks such filters. Forced to resign (let's not pretend she wasn't; she was obviously a huge distraction from Edwards' luscious hair), she rants on about the women hating patriarchy that was out to get her (she actually just put up a new post with the phrase "random misogynist scapegoating is all too real in a patriarchy"; maybe it's satire).

Meerkat, did you ever consider that maybe that wouldn't be so easy if you weren't such a low hanging fruit? It might be hard for people to paint you as a lunatic without you weren't constantly cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.

Of course, the insane do not tend to be aware of their insanity... especially when you have the denizens of the nutroots urging you on. After all the controversy, Amanda Macaroni had to know how watched her posting was going to be, but she still wrote this in a movie review Sunday:

The Christian version of the virgin birth is generally interpreted as super-patriarchal, where god is viewed as so powerful he can impregnate without befouling himself by touching a woman, and women are nothing but vessels.

Generally interpreted? Could she maybe clue us in on what planet this is the "generally interpreted" view of the virgin birth in Christianity? Perhaps tell us as reference what Planck's constant is in this weird wacky universe she lives in where her views are the prevalent ones?

For those who don't know (like some who stumbled over here from a fantasical place like Pandagon), I should inform you that men actually like the "befouling" more than the impregnating.

I'm guessing that after this, Edwards determined that the beast couldn't be tamed and asked for a resignation. I think he gave up too easy. He should have hired the Dog Whisperer who would tap Merecoot in the neck while yelling, "Tsst!" anytime she tried to go into crazy ranting. Eventually she would learn that that behavior was not acceptable, and it would be a boon to the blogosphere since Edwards would have proven that a netroots can be trained given enough time and patience.

Well, it's done with now. Amanda Marcotte will surely rant and rave as she fades back into her well-earned obscurity. Still, there are some lesson to be learned.

FRANK ADVICE ON PICKING OUT A CAMPAIGN BLOGGER

* Before hiring a blogger, consider actually reading a few of her posts. If they tend to make the average American want to respond with a letter headed "Dear Crazy Person," maybe you should keep looking.

* Before finalizing a hire, give the blogger some basic mental screening. If you start to get heat for how insane that ranting are of the blogger, you can say, "We've discovered she has a mental illness, and we're going to get her the medical help she needs." Then everyone will feel bad for making fun of someone mentally ill and you'll score points with the media. It should be noted, you don't actually have to find mental illness to back out on that excuse.

* Remember to be especially careful with liberal extremists because they have a special kind of crazy. With right-wingers, you get things like, "We must nuke Mecca now!" It's crazy, but people can at least follow the logic. The ranting about patriarchy and what not from the men-hating feminists are not so easy to understand. You actually have to take college courses and read obscure texts to get that crazy.

* Always use disinfectant after shaking their hands. You just know these people have something, and you don't want it. They are neither clean nor articulate.

* It should be noted that I can imitate sane at bargain prices if you're desperate.

Rating: 2.4/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Fun Facts About Virginia
Posted by Harvey at 09:20 AM | Email This

While the IMAO podcast is still MIA, I'm going to keep posting the latest uncut Fun Facts About The 50 States - hopefully on a weekly(ish) schedule.

(continued in extended entry)

Read More...


Rating: 2.7/5 (43 votes cast)

Comments (15) | Fun Trivia
February 12, 2007
John Edwards Announces Timeline for Withdrawal from Blogosphere
Posted by RightWingDuck at 11:40 PM | Email This

Amanda Marcotte, the the sharp tongued 'satirist' hired by John Edwards today announced her resignation.

"Many people feel that this was the plan all along. That John would announce his support but that I would resign of my own free will after being bothered by the fact that the people I loathe and detest somehow for some reason don't like me. This is not the case. I am retiring because some people don't like me and of course that makes them crazy."

Said John Edwards, "We realized that we had accomplished all of our goals already and therefore the time was right to pull away from this fight."

Amanda is now sitting at home, awaiting the sticky, jizzy influence of another presidential candidate - possibly Hillary Clinton.

More as this story develops.

Rating: 3.2/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (4)
Amanda-Gone!
Posted by spacemonkey at 10:44 PM | Email This

Now that the master of faux anti-white male/anti-Christian satire has resigned from *Edwards' campaign, I present a roundup of IMAO pre-responses to the Amanda Marmoset resignation.

  • Harvey: Forget Her, Johnny, I'M the One You Really Want
  • Rightwingduck:No, choose ME!!
  • Frank J.: Frank J.:The Perfect Blog Represenative for a Preening Sissy Girl
  • Laurence Simon: Pick me, Johnny Ambulancechaser!
  • Spacemonkey: John Edwards, Pick Me Because I Don't Want The Job

    * A white faux male, faux Christian. Aren't opposites supposed to attract?

    Rating: 3.6/5 (5 votes cast)

    Comments (3)
  • Edwards Steals Blogsphere's Comedy Gold!
    Posted by Harvey at 09:44 PM | Email This

    Foul-mouthed, hate-filled, lefty blogger Amanda Marcotte of Pandagon has officially resigned from her post as the Edwards '08 campaign's official screech-owl.

    I wonder how the Breck Girl will replace Amanda's priceless ability to mire his campaign in controversy...

    * 100 monkeys at 100 typewriters that only have 4 keys each - K, U, C, and F.

    * Hire David Duke as his campaign adviser.

    * Make every Wednesday at campaign HQ "cigars and interns night".

    * Hire Ted Kennedy to drive the interns home Thursday morning.

    * Talk up his new charity, "Centrifuges for Iran".

    * Start taking hair styling tips from Zach Braff.

    * Eat Snickers bars in the garage with John Kerry.

    * Puppy blending! - it's not just for bloggers anymore!

    * Take the Dixie Chicks with him on his next fact-finding tour to Iraq.

    * Admit to being the real father of Anna Nicole Smith's daughter, Dannielynn.

    * Accept an invitation to the Duke LaCrosse team's next kegger.

    * Tear down a homeless shelter to make room for his new 280,000 square foot house.

    * Refuse to hire black campaign staffers unless they're sufficiently clean and articulate.

    Any other suggestions?

    Rating: 2.0/5 (5 votes cast)

    Comments (8)
    A Good Beating Will Take Care of Violent Kids
    Posted by Frank J. at 04:16 PM | Email This

    John Hawkins has an interview with Helen Smith (a.k.a, the puppy blender enabler) on the increasing trend of violence in youth today. I found it pretty interesting and thought Helen has some smart analysis. Also, I didn't know that the idea that pretty much only white males are serial killers is actually a myth.

    What I blame youth violence on, though, is Pokemon. If you teach kids that it's okay to shove large animals into a ball and then throw it at someone, they will eventually lash out. I also blame todays' lower quality beef jerky ingredients, smoothies, and, of course, liberals.

    You should also remember to check out John Hawkins other site Conservative Grapevine. I like good linky sites, so make sure to support it.

    Rating: 2.6/5 (5 votes cast)

    Comments (7)
    ACTION ALERT: Coat or No Coat?
    Posted by Frank J. at 02:51 PM | Email This

    ACTION ALERT! ACTION ALERT!

    E-mail a Congressman telling him what the temperature is outside and asking him whether he thinks you should wear a coat. Make it clear your campaign contribution rests on his answer.

    END ACTION ALERT

    Rating: 3.5/5 (4 votes cast)

    Comments (8)
    ACTION ALERT: Get a Life
    Posted by Frank J. at 01:52 PM | Email This

    Ever wonder why IMAO has never issues action alerts?

    "Because they're retarded and gay," you probably just responded.

    True dat, but still, think of the power IMAO could wield if I just said stuff and everyone did it? Politicians would fear us.

    If you don't know what an action alert is, that's where a liberal blog issues something from all its readers to do, and then they all do it like the lemmings they are (yes, lemmings don't actually run mindlessly off cliffs, but a lemming is now more a symbol of mindlessly following a mob than an actual animal).

    E.g. ACTION ALERT: Wear your pants on your head in protest of the war!

    So, an action alert is issued, the Kwazy Kos Kids all follow it, and the Democrat politicians all tremble in fear at those nutters being loosed on them. Most pundits agree that it was this post by Chris Bowers that made John Edwards change his mind on firing Amanda Marcotte. Yes, Bowers didn't even need an action alert; her merely had to threaten to use one to cause Edwards to crouch in the corner and weep quietly while brushing his hair. For all Edwards knew, that action alert could have been to call for his murder and then he'd be rushed by the unwashed activists who would come at him with pen knives while screaming incoherently about wiretaps.

    To control the action alert is to control fear. That, my friend, is power... and I want it!

    I will begin to issue action alerts. Your job will be to mindlessly follow them. If you all participate, then the politicians will kneel before our power! Buh ha ha ha ha!

    Rating: 2.3/5 (2 votes cast)

    Comments (8)
    Cat/Countercat: Flowers For Valentine's Day
    Posted by Laurence Simon at 12:42 PM | Email This

    It's time for a new feature called Cat/Countercat where the resident IFOC Cats debate the issues of the day.

    Today's subject: flowers for Valentine's Day.

    Apparently, there are ugly academics out there that can't get themselves a date, so they have to ruin Valentine's Day for everyone else...

    In the past three years, the amount of flowers imported from the Netherlands has fallen by 47 per cent to 94,000 tons, while those from Africa have risen 39 per cent to 17,000 tons.

    Environmentalists warned that "flower miles" could have serious implications on climate change in terms of carbon dioxide emissions from aeroplanes.

    Andrew Sims, the policy director of the New Economics Foundation, said: "There are plenty of flowers that grow in Britain in the winter and don't need to be hothoused.

    "Air freighting flowers half way round the world contributes to global warming.

    "You can argue the planes would be flying anyway but the amount of greenhouse gases pumped out depends on the weight of the cargo."

    Vicky Hird, of Friends of the Earth, said: "We don't want to be killjoys because receiving flowers can be lovely but why not grow your own gift?"

    With this issue being so important, it's time to take it out of the hands of humanity and give it to our Feline Masters to help us resolve the conflict fairly, wisely, and swiftly.

    What do you think about the environmental impact of Valentine's Day?


    Frisky: You know, this heart-shaped plate was flown three times around the planet just to see if it could be done. But that's what makes it so special.

    Nardo: Well, it's not like the starving kids in Africa can eat those flowers, right? Might as well ship them to somewhere that can buy them instead of letting them wilt and die for no reason.

    Thank you, kittycats.

    This has been Cat/Countercat.

    Rating: 2.9/5 (4 votes cast)

    Comments (3)
    Can't a Presidential Candidate Fill Up His Car in Peace Anymore?
    Posted by Frank J. at 11:23 AM | Email This

    Apparently, black people get shot at when they go to fill up their cars. This according to Barack Obama's wife:

    The heavy presence of security around Obama was also a silent reminder of the change that took place with the announcement. Michelle Obama, the candidateís wife, acknowledged it in an interview to air on CBSí ď60 Minutes,Ē in which she was asked if she fears for her husbandís life as a black candidate.

    ďI donít lose sleep over it because the realities are that . . . as a black man . . . Barack can get shot going to the gas station,Ē Michelle Obama said in the interview, set to air Sunday night. ďYou canít make decisions based on fear and the possibility of what might happen.Ē

    That's not right. Whoever is shooting at Obama when he goes to the Exxon station, could you stop it? While you're at it, just stop the shooting at the black people in general.

    I know gas stations already have signs up about not smoking near the pumps, but maybe they should add another about not shooting at black people.

    Rating: 3.3/5 (6 votes cast)

    Comments (17)
    No Fox News mornings for me at all
    Posted by sarahk at 11:17 AM | Email This

    I love Megyn Kendall (or however you spell that), but since I can't bear to watch Bill Hemmer (I just don't have it in me to say why this morning, but it has to do with what I suppose his IQ to be), and y'all know how I feel about Gretchen and Brian in the mornings... Supposedly E.D. will be pushed to 11. They sure are pushing her around a lot these days, no?

    Yeah, Fox has plunged into pure suckitude. So now I have a dilemma. E.D. Hill at 11? or the View?

    ::ducks::

    Yeah, yeah. I Tivo the View anyway. I do. I love watching trainwrecks. And I love arguing with people in my head, and Joy Behar provides endless hours of fantastical arguing pleasure for me. Not to mention the joy I get from watching Rosie not grasp how twisted her logic is.

    So when will it be enough for E.D.? When is her contract up? Do y'all think she's just waiting for that and already knows where she's headed? Today she's not even on. It's that Bridgette lady who disappeared last year.

    Rating: 2.3/5 (8 votes cast)

    Comments (6) | SarahK's TV stuff
    Terrorist Threat From Radical Atheist!
    Posted by Harvey at 09:46 AM | Email This

    Deb Schlussel says that, as an atheist, I'm very likely to be seduced by radical Islam.

    Which I thought was just the dumbest thing I'd ever heard.

    But then I realized how right she was.

    You see, although I've called myself an atheist for years, I'm always been a Christian Atheist, because it was the God of the Holy Bible that I didn't believe in. I mean, sure, I scoffed at other popular deities, too, but it was really reading the Bible that convinced me that believing in God was as silly as believing that Criss Angel doesn't use camera tricks and audience shills during his Mind Freak specials.

    But recently all that changed. I started reading the Koran. I mean REALLY studying it and thinking it over.

    And I've come to the conclusion that it's Allah and not Jehovah that's the most hysterically unlikely anthropomorphic personification of infinite power that's ever been fictionalized between the covers of an overlong holy book.

    That's right. I've converted.

    I'm an Islamic Atheist now.

    And since the ideas put forth in the most blood-soaked, kill-'em-all passages were the least believable parts of the completely deranged waste of paper that IS the Koran, I had no choice but to become a Radical Jihad-Lovin' Islamic Atheist. There's simply nothing that I don't believe in more.

    And so now five times every day, I don't face Mecca and don't bow down while I'm not saying the prayers that will cleanse my non-existent soul, as I don't purify my thoughts for the moment when I don't martyr myself in Allah's imaginary name while not killing infidels so that I may not be immediately swept into a mythical paradise to enjoy the spuriously sweet temptations of the 72 virgins who don't eagerly await me.

    And thus it is for the completely made up glory of Allah The Not-Really-There, that I have not strapped on this explosive vest filled with C4 ball bearings and will now not blow up this blog and all its readers.

    If you don't believe me - and you shouldn't - then believe your own lying eyes as you gaze in horror at this "genuine live web cam" image of the bomb I'm not wearing!

    baby bomber.jpg

    Prepare to meet your makers!

    ... by which, of course, I mean "your parents".

    Next time you see them, tell 'em Harv says "Hi!"

    And that Deb Schlussel doesn't know sh*t about atheists.

    Rating: 3.1/5 (4 votes cast)

    Comments (28)
    New Week, New Poll Data
    Posted by Frank J. at 09:39 AM | Email This

    A week has passed, so the polling starts again in the Pajamas Media Straw Poll. Just vote in the box on the left sidebar, and select a Democrat as well or you're a wuss.

    UPDATE:

    Who is Ron Paul and why is in the lead right now for this week (overall voting)?

    Rating: 2.9/5 (4 votes cast)

    Comments (4)
    Who Knew Sloths Were Anti-American?
    Posted by Frank J. at 09:24 AM | Email This

    Allahpundit posted this on Hot Air and said he found it funny but thought most other wouldn't. I don't see how anyone could not find this funny (WARNING: It has some bleeped out swearing... though I wasn't able to fill in the blanks):

    The secret to random humor is that it can't actually be truly random. There has to be some method to the madness, and this, while being unpredictable, has a theme. I declare it to be funny.

    UPDATE:

    While I'm linking funny videos, here's The Shawshank Redemption in one minute. The Morgan Freeman impression is dead on. (WARNING: Has one swear word in it... but it's also the funniest part since it's so true):

    Rating: 3.8/5 (4 votes cast)

    Comments (7)
    February 10, 2007
    Cruel Intentions
    Posted by spacemonkey at 01:34 AM | Email This

    Is there anything sciency folk can't do? now they claim to be able to read your intentions.

    A team of world-leading neuroscientists has developed a powerful technique that allows them to look deep inside a person's brain and read their intentions before they act.

    Soon mysteries like:

    • "Why did I enter this room?"
    • "Is this person trying to hurt my feelings/take my job or steal my significant other?"
    • "Are liberals trying to destroy Christianity/undermine America or is it just satire and they really support the troops"
    will be answered with a simple brain scan.

    Rating: 3.6/5 (4 votes cast)

    Comments (14)
    February 09, 2007
    What is Mahmoud Abbas Praying For? #23
    Posted by Laurence Simon at 09:28 PM | Email This

    It's Friday, so it's time for the wire services to post the non sequitur non-news story of Mahmoud Abbas praying at a mosque.

    However, this week's different... this week we're going to start a new feature called:

    WHAT IS MAHMOUD ABBAS PRAYING FOR?

    And it's an extra-special edition! Mahmoud and thug-in-chief Ismail Haniyeh the Hamasshole are hanging out in the granddaddy of all mosques - in Mecca!

    So, from Mahmoud Abbas' expressions, can you tell what Mahmoud Abbas is praying for?

    Is it:

    a) To know who has their hand up his ass, and what's their phone number.

    b) To stop chanting TOGA! with the rest of the guys and go find some girls.

    c) For the embargo to end so he doesn't have to wear his Depends inside-out every other day.

    d) For Ismail to quit telling him to hold that thing to his head and hear the sound of dying, screaming infidels.

    Oh... wait...

    He can hear them!

    e) A semi-private changing room on the way back.

    or

    f) NONE OF THE ABOVE!

    Put your guesses in the comments.

    Rating: 2.6/5 (4 votes cast)

    Comments (25)
    John Edwards, Pick Me Because I Don't Want The Job
    Posted by spacemonkey at 05:16 PM | Email This

    Dear John Edwards,
    Pick me to be your blogwhatever because I really don't want the job. Really. Am I using reverse psychology, how could I? I am southerner just like you. Really.

    I am opposed to using cursing/profanity to express my opinions. I am smarter than that. See I know a lot of words with more than four letters which aren't pejorative (naughty). So I doubt you'll ever find any profanity attributed to me on any of the internets. (Like you know anything about the internet other than what your wife or kids has told you, HAH!) So you'd be hard pressed to cause a stir among left or right wingers.

    See? I have my smug self-righteousness about not cursing, that gives us common ground right there.

    I can help you get in touch with the religious left, assuming they exist, because I suspect they probably go to church somewhere. I know what church buildings generally look like and can coach you on proper decorum (how you act) while in one.

    I could show you how the middle class lives. We shop at places with 'mart' and 'mall' in the titles. We eat food that comes wrapped in paper. We live in houses that measure 4 digits, in square feet and not 5.

    That's all I'm going to say about my qualifications because like I said, I really, really don't really want the job. Really.

    spacemonkey

    P.S. Unless it pays well enough to get a 5 digit square foot house. Then I'm in for the big win, baby!

    Rating: 3.9/5 (4 votes cast)

    Comments (4)
    New Reality Investigative Game Show
    Posted by RightWingDuck at 03:24 PM | Email This

    First Anna Nicole passed away leaving behind a sweet 5 month old girl.

    Who's the Daddy?

    Howard K. Stern said, "I'm the proud father."


    Larry the Photographer said, "No, dude, it's me."

    Now,

    Zsa Zsa Gabor's Ex-Husband says, "Hmm. Might be mine, too."

    Fox Entertainment brings you a new reality show...


    No, Wait. I Am Anna Nicole's Baby Daddy!!!

    If you think you qualify, you can joing the other contestants and lay your claim to daddyhood and potential riches.

    annacrowds.JPG

    Rating: 2.6/5 (8 votes cast)

    Comments (11)
    North Korea May Stop Pursuit of Nukes: The World Reacts
    Posted by RightWingDuck at 01:33 PM | Email This

    osama reacts.JPG

    Rating: 3.1/5 (10 votes cast)

    Comments (7)
    Pick me, Johnny Ambulancechaser!
    Posted by Laurence Simon at 01:33 PM | Email This

    I think ex-Senator Edwards should pick me to run his blog instead of that anti-Catholic man-hating nutcase.

    After all, don't Jews mostly vote for Democrats?

    And based on his robust and thorough vetting process for prospective employees, the fact that I'm Jewish should mark me as a die-hard loyalist to the Leftist cause.

    Now where's my login and paycheck?

    (Gotta watch those Astros, you know.)

    Rating: 3.3/5 (3 votes cast)

    Comments (3)
    Frank J.: The Perfect Blog Represenative for a Preening Sissy Girl
    Posted by Frank J. at 12:41 PM | Email This

    I saw how Harvey and RightWingDuck are trying to get Amanda Marcotte's job as John Edwards' blogmaster. I'd hate to see my bloggers get paid more, so I'll offer my considerable blogger skills to John Edwards. I may not be a screeching harpy, but I get the job done.

    As you all know, I'm both clean and articulate - something that can't be said of current Edwards' current hire. While I've traditionally held views opposed to those of John Edwards, that can be changed for the right money. Watch how dedicated to progressive causes I can sound if I apply myself:

    Hello people's of the two Americas. I want you to know that I, Frank J., support John Edwards for president. That's because he's right on the important issues we face today. He'll always stand firm for abortion, the most essential right for knocked up sluts. Some of you godbags may not share that view, but, if you're not a knocked up slut yourself, can you really empathize?

    BTW, by "godbag" I mean you're all "bags of God" which is a good thing... so don't get your panties in a bunch you filthy whore godbags!

    See, just enough spite to rile up the Kwazy Kos Kids while not being quite as eating-your-own-feces crazy as a certain Amanda Marcotte. That's worth good money, John Edwards, and you should consider it. You know where to contact me.

    Rating: 3.0/5 (5 votes cast)

    Comments (11)
    No, choose ME!!
    Posted by RightWingDuck at 12:08 PM | Email This

    Now that Amanda Marcotte is officially staying as the Team Edwards blogger, it's safe to say that John Edwards is a man of very low standards. That's why he should choose a blogger from IMAO!!

    foley1.jpg

    I know what you're thinking: "But, Ducky, you've always hated and mocked John Edwards and his Breck-girl girly ways!"

    That's true. But when I said

    "If John Edwards were President, the Muslims would stream across the border, race right past the wets, and f&Ck ol' Johnny righ the @ss. And he would probably like it."
    I really meant that in a playful, satirical, non homobophobic manner.

    John Edwards has a lot of fine qualities...


    Environment: Sure John Edwards lives in a 28,000 square foot mansion, but he cares about the enviroment. In fact, when servants need to get from one side of the house to the other, he encourages them to use Public Transportation.

    Equal Rights: Mr. Edwards believes in equal rights and equal access for the sexes. His home features and His AND hers hair salons.

    Affordable Housing: The Servants' Wing of his home falls into the low income zip codes. This wing features lower taxes while the other parts of his city features amazingly high taxes for the wealthy.

    Man of the people: John Edwards legal address is still in the Servants' Wing.

    Global Warming: The earth is getting warmer. And what is John Edwards doing about it? He's running his air conditioning non-stop. He literally is willing to air condition the whole neighborhood.

    Terrorism: Wheras crazy right wingers believe that terrorists should be killed and their entrails fed to pigs, Mr. Edwards believe in more diplomatic solutions. Solutions include Sleepovers At My House where Al Queda operatives gather round, tell stories, paint fingernails, and then have pillow fights over territorial issues.

    Immigration and friendliness: The other day, he was golfing with some friends and a family of illegals were making their way across the course. He offered them a ride in his stretch golf-cart. When he crashed into a tree, he helped the family by suing the golf club and their board of directors. **

    **

    So there are a lot of good qualities to John Edwards and I think he should choose me, or any other of the other IMAO bloggers, to be one of his other official bloggers.

    Rating: 2.7/5 (5 votes cast)

    Comments (5)
    Great New Get Rich Quick Scheme: Denying Global Warming
    Posted by Frank J. at 11:59 AM | Email This

    Do you want more money? Of course, we all do. Well, I'm here to tell you that you can make money for something you've been doing for free: Denying global warming.

    I heard how President Bush was paying off scientists to deny global warming, and I started wondering, "How can I get in on this money making opportunity?"

    So, I went to the Forecast Channel on my Nintendo Wii the other night and recorded the temperatures of major cities in the U.S. Then, the next afternoon, I went back and recorded the temperature of those same cities. I noted the increase in all those temperatures and wrote a paper showing that so much warming in such a brief period of time was conclusive evidence of global warming.

    Hours later, I get a phone call. It's President Bush. "Frank," he said, "would $10,000 help you rethink your position on global warming."

    I didn't want to sound like a chump, so I said, "I don't know. I really really believe in global warming."

    "Well... how does $20,000 sound?"

    "It sounds like I need to review my research," I said.

    And look what I have now:

    payoffcheck.jpg

    You better jump on this money making opportunity now before it gets shut down.

    Also, I should mention that there is no such thing as global warming. Globes don't warm, and only stupid people without big checks would think otherwise.

    Rating: 4.0/5 (4 votes cast)

    Comments (12)
    Forget Her, Johnny, I'M the One You Really Want
    Posted by Harvey at 11:26 AM | Email This

    I was shocked and dismayed to discover that John Edwards is keeping Amanda Huggenkiss Culottes Marcotte as his blogger of record, despite the fact that her personal blog is saturated with the kind of embarrassingly foul-mouthed screeds that make German boys fly into screeching, frothy hissy fits.

    Personally, I think keeping Marcotte was a bad decision for Edwards. Not only because she's an unbalanced lunatic who will most likely boil Edwards' bunny someday, but because she's just not really in tune with the values of his campaign.

    I, on the other hand, am completely congruent with the message Edwards wants to send. I think he should fire that stupid cow (See? *I* didn't swear!) and hire me on as his official blogger because I'm ever so much more qualified for the position:



    * I'm pro-choice. I believe that every woman has the right to decide whether or not to have fries with that.

    * I believe in higher taxes. In fact, I've been after Frank for YEARS to start paying his co-bloggers in dollars instead of empty promises, which would allow me to pay more in taxes than I do now. How am I supposed to pay more taxes without Frank's money?

    * We need to strengthen affirmative action. I've also been hounding Frank to hire Michele Malkin as an IMAO writer, since she's both Asian AND a woman. Quota-wise, that's even better than hiring a black guy. Plus we don't have to put up with all the annoying "Yo! Yo!" this, and "shizzle-dizzle" that.

    * I want stricter campaign finance laws to lower the influence of corrupt corporate money. We should expand the "no campaign ads" ban from 60 days to 90 days before an election, or even longer if that's what it takes to keep those things from annoying me during NFL pre-season games.

    * Yeah... I watch pre-season football. And I miss the XFL, too. Wanna make something of it? Maybe we should step outside!

    * I favor abolishing the death penalty. Except for crimes in which the perpatrator's guilt is unquestioned, like lying about the reasons for going to war. Which means Bush is a dead man. And, technically, Pelosi, Gore, Kennedy, Byrd, Kerry, and both Clintons. But if that's what it takes to bring Bush to justice, I'm willing to pay the price.

    * I favor higher education standards. No one should be allowed to graduate from high school without being able to read Why Mommy Is A Democrat.

    * I think euthanasia should be legalized. Americans have a Constitutional right to die. And I think Constitutional protections should be extended even to non-citizens, like Gitmo detainees and terrorists. We must help them exercise this precious right.

    * Gay marriage should be legalized. Gay couples have the right to form happy, loving families just like hetero couples, because their adopted/stolen/black-market babies need the support and stability of married parents. So... gay marriage - yes... gay divorce - no.

    * People don't kill people, guns kill people. And if I can't use my guns to kill the people on my enemies list, then no one else should have a gun either. I'll just have to find another way to kill that creepy Burger King guy.

    * I don't think anyone should have to pay for health care - everyone should get it for free. Of course, greedy doctors think otherwise, and would unpatriotically refuse to work if they didn't get paid. But let's be honest, medicine is not so complicated that it couldn't be done by a random homeless person, who - in exchange - would move in with their patients in lieu of cash payment. Everybody wins!

    * Stop wasting money guarding the borders. We need a good supply of illegal immigrants in case we run out of homeless guys to staff our hospitals.

    * When it comes to women's rights in the workplace, I'm in favor of giving them anything they want as long as they promise to stop discussing feminine hygiene issues when I'm around. EWWWW!

    * The only way to properly support our troops is to bring them home. And while we're doing that, we should probably go ahead and give the terrorists a lift, too, since - with the troops gone - they'll be headed to our shores pretty soon, anyway.



    But my biggest qualification is that, like Zach Braff, I have a permanent case of bed-head, so I will NEVER upstage the important-lookingness of John Edwards' pretty, pretty hair.

    Rating: 2.8/5 (3 votes cast)

    Comments (3)
    Muslims Angry at Free Speech... San Francisco Caves to Muslims... Dog Bites Man...
    Posted by Frank J. at 10:52 AM | Email This

    Some students at San Francisco State University got in trouble for desecrating the name of Allah when what they thought they were doing were desecrating the flags of the terrorists organizations Hamas and Hezbollah. Unbeknownst to the students, those flags have the name "Allah" written on them in some sort of chicken scratch.

    Now, many Muslims have claimed that terrorists are the ones desecrating Islam by invoking its name with their murder, so shouldn't they also be coming out here demanding Hamas and Hezbollah remove the name of Allah from their crummy flags? Aren't they the true offenders and not the college students? Come on, Muslims, I know you're out there; demand Hamas and Hezbollah right these wrongs so we can stomp on their flags in peace.

    Rating: 2.7/5 (3 votes cast)

    Comments (8)
    The Racist of Beers
    Posted by Frank J. at 10:29 AM | Email This

    I saw a Budweiser truck this morning and noticed it's slogan is "Crisp. Clean. Refreshing."

    What?!

    Do they have Joe Biden doing their advertising now? Why would they imply other beers are dirty? Or are they patronizing Budweiser by implying we don't expect lagers to be "clean" like we do of ales?

    Rating: 3.0/5 (2 votes cast)

    Comments (5)
    I Like Getting Angry at Stuff Democrats Do as Much as the Next Guy...
    Posted by Frank J. at 10:22 AM | Email This

    ...but I don't really get this airplane "scandal" with Speaker Pelosi. I've been ignoring it since it first broke just because it sounded boring, but my understanding is that all Pelosi wanted was to fly across country without having to stop to refuel... something thousands of people do everyday. The only complication seems to be that the military would fulfill this request in an absurdly expensive way... as the military tends to do. Still, what we have here is the person second in line for the presidency wanting to fly home non-stop, and that ranks pretty low on my elitism scale.

    Come on! Ted Kennedy probably does something more outrageous every afternoon when he inevitably loses his pants. Are we bloggers getting so lazy that this is the best scandal we could find? I'm disappointed. At least photoshop Pelosi stealing money from orphans to pay for another face lift... or something else marginally creative.

    I do wish I could get non-stop flights, though...

    Rating: 3.4/5 (4 votes cast)

    Comments (8)
    February 08, 2007
    Anna Nicole Smith
    Posted by Frank J. at 08:52 PM | Email This

    Some reason about every blog out there has felt the need to at least mention her death... I guess because her life was odd and ultimately tragic. Plus, I think a lot of us made fun of her and now feel bad. I'll refer everyone to baldilocks's post on the subject having nothing better to add.

    Rating: 3.1/5 (4 votes cast)

    Comments (6)
    In My World: Waving the Bloody Tire Iron
    Posted by Frank J. at 02:53 PM | Email This

    "I would like to announce I'm now officially running for president," Rudy Giuliani announced to a cheering crowd of Republicans. "Terrorists came to my city, and now it's time for me to come after them. The way to do that is to become president." He held up a blood-stained tire iron. "See the blood on this. I saw someone who looked like a terrorist on the way over here and I beat him to death with this tire iron. That's how much I hate terrorists. If elected president, I promise to personally kill terrorists. You will constantly see me caked in blood and you can be sure that it will be the blood of terrorists... or possibly panhandlers."

    "Will you also kill hobos?" a Republican asked.

    "Only if they panhandle."

    "Killing terrorists is great, but what about your stance on abortion?" said another Republican.

    "I understand there is some concern from many Republicans about my support for keeping abortion legal," Rudy said, "I want you to know that I am not changing my position on that; who I am is who I am, and you should know I won't change my positions just to help myself politically. But I don't want people to think I'm some sort of pro-abortion fanatic. To prove that, I'm inviting a pregnant woman to stand next to me."

    A pregnant woman walked on to the stage and Rudy stood next to her, occasionally glancing towards her uncomfortably. "See. I'm perfectly fine not aborting that baby," he said. "I'm not fanatic."

    "The way you're looking at her... it kinda seems like you really want to abort that baby," a Republican said.

    "That's ridiculous." He shushed the woman away. "Now, I think that should be enough to let conservatives know that it's okay to vote for me."

    "But what about guns?" a Republican asked. "Don't you want to take them away from people?"

    "That's absurd. I respect gun rights."

    "But aren't you taking away that guy's gun right now?"

    Rudy looked down at the gun in his hands he had just taken from someone of the crowd. "I simply took it so I could look at and admire the gun."

    "So why don't you give it back now?"

    Rudy paused for a moment. "Maybe later." He put the gun in his coat pocket.

    "I knew it!" shouted a Republican. "Rudy Giuliani is an abortion-loving, gun-grabbing liberal!"

    "Who will personally beat terrorists to death with a tire iron!" Rudy shook his bloody tire iron in the air to applause of the crowd.

    * * * *

    "It's going to be tough to run against Rudy Giuliani," President Bush told his wife as he turned off the TV. "I better get started on my campaigning now if I want to be reelected in 2008."

    "You can't reelected in 2008, dear," Laura told him.

    "Oh yeah... because my poll numbers are so low, right?"

    Laura rolled her eyes. "Yes, because your poll numbers are so low."

    Rating: 1.9/5 (7 votes cast)

    Comments (11) | In My World
    Amanda Marcotte: Right-Winger in Disguise!
    Posted by Frank J. at 02:09 PM | Email This

    It ends up Amanda Marcotte is not a hate-filled liberal incapable of expressing a thought without lacing it with obscenities; the truth is she was merely satirizing those types of people. Here's her new official statement on the Edwards' blog:

    My writings on my personal blog Pandagon on the issue of religion are generally satirical in nature and always intended strictly as a criticism of public policies and politics.

    See, it was all a satire. If you look through the archives of Panadgon (I don't recommend that, though) it seems like quite the dedication to a joke. She really convinced a lot of people - liberals especially - that's she filled with nothing but hate and contempt for those who disagree with her and she saves her worst bile for religious views. Ironically, my first encounter with Amanda was when she claimed she couldn't understand how a piece of mine could be called satire and spent what seemed like an inordinate amount of space writing about it (much longer than the actual piece). In the end, I guess, she was merely doing a parody of a bloviating idiot.

    Don't we all feel foolish now for not getting the joke?

    Rating: 2.5/5 (5 votes cast)

    Comments (9)
    Carter's War Face
    Posted by Frank J. at 01:06 PM | Email This
    carter_surrender.jpg
    "We all want to kill the Jews, but let's just calm down a second here."

    Reader Mike e-mailed me this picture with the caption in the post title, but why don't you see if you can come up with a better one. Winner gets IMAO Bonus Points!

    UPDATE:

    A reader pointed out this photo from LGF:


    "Tiny jooos have taken over my toaster!"

    That photo practically demands someone to photoshop a hood on him and lightning coming out of his fingers.

    Rating: 2.5/5 (3 votes cast)

    Comments (34)
    Panda-gone?
    Posted by Frank J. at 09:53 AM | Email This

    Updated below

    Amanda Marcotte may have been fired, and guess how the liberal blogs are reacting?

    Did you answer "With angry, over the top obscenity laced rants"? Then you're right! And if you added "Also, they're acting like this is the most important issue ever... just like they do with any of their piddling crap issues they latch onto," then you get bonus points.

    I'm getting the feeling that the netroots just don't like the idea that, just because they're a bunch of hate-filled lunatics, they should be considered political liabilities (i.e., the "reality-based" community is getting angry at reality). Sure, the Democrats like the netroots' money and votes, but they want to do that exchange in a back alley out of the public eye and deny it later. That has to hurt their feelings.

    What's this mean for us? Well, if Edwards fires Marcotte, then he will officially have responded quicker to right-wing blogs than any Republican making him my favorite candidate. Since no politician out there will do what we want out of principle, maybe we should settle for one we can successfully bully.

    Seriously, though, this whole thing reminds me of a scientific research that, while it's better to study for a test sober, if you do study drunk then you're better off taking the test drunk. Similarly, Edwards never should have hired Marcotte, but, since he did, he's better off keeping her. If he bows to pressure to fire her, then he'll just seem even more like the preening little sissy we all know he is. The best thing for him to do is embrace Marcotte and officially become the hate-filled lefty candidate. He can probably run with that all the way to a victory in the primary before being inevitably being trounced by whatever wishy-washy idiot we nominate.

    UPDATE:

    It looks like he followed my advice: Edwards says Amanda and Melissa will stay.

    Just leave yourself elbow room to fire them after the primary, Edwards... that's what a shrewd politician would do.

    Rating: 3.9/5 (4 votes cast)

    Comments (9)
    IMAO: Always Backing the Strong Horse
    Posted by Frank J. at 09:10 AM | Email This

    Phil Rossi is right now ahead by 18 votes in the Pickle Tales contest at Podcast Pickle. I'd like to think it was my support of him that made him take this huge lead over that meddling Jew, Laurence Simon.

    You still have time (voting closes at noon) to participate in this contest and help the great America Phil Rossi win by even more. Just:

    * Listen
    * Register
    * Vote

    IMAO: We only back winners!

    Rating: 3.0/5 (4 votes cast)

    Comments (2)
    February 07, 2007
    Perhaps the Best Show on at 2AM
    Posted by Frank J. at 05:53 PM | Email This

    Hot Air has clips of Greg Gutfeld's new show Red Eye (specifically of the ombudsman and Greg's mom). Also, here's Greg on what will be on tonight's show. I think it's important we support bloggers when they get TV shows so that one day maybe a network with less to lose than FOX News can take a chance on IMAO: The TV Show which would be a combination of hard news analysis and martial arts action.

    UPDATE:

    Caught the first half hour of last night's show this morning and I think it's becoming more polished. I'll now upgrade it from "somewhat entertaining" to "quite entertaining." I liked how everyone made fun of Rachel for constantly bringing up "the liberals" as the cause of everything; some reason I just find that funny to happen on a right-wing news network.

    Also, SarahK thinks the skinny panelist is gay while I think he's straight and just dorky and creepy. Anyone else want to weigh in?

    UPDATE 2:

    Ends up FOX News' online site does have a page for Red Eye, so they do officially acknowledge its existence. You can find clips of the show there plus a link to the website of Red Eye's Canadian Ann Coulter.

    Rating: 2.7/5 (8 votes cast)

    Comments (11)
    In crisis there is opportunity
    Posted by Laurence Simon at 02:58 PM | Email This

    I've been thinking about Space Cadet Lisa Marie Nowak and the whole "What if an astronaut goes nuts and drives a thousand miles to stalk, kidnap, and kill their rival?" problem, and the solution is...

    Read More...


    Rating: 3.4/5 (4 votes cast)

    Comments (10)
    Are Muslim Kids Learning?
    Posted by Frank J. at 02:12 PM | Email This

    A Saudi Arabia funded school in Britain uses a textbook which describes Jews as "apes" and Christians as "pigs." As a Christian, I find this offensive. This is either implying that, because I'm a Christian, I'm a pig (I'm not) or that because I'm not a pig, I'm not really a Christian (also not true). I think Jews won't like being called apes either, and I IM'd Lair about this (Christians are allowed one Jewish friend) and his response was to toss leaves in the air and then pound his chest in an angry manner.

    Now, before I get too judgmental, I should note that the Christian textbooks I had in school said the Muslims were "echidnas." This is also not true. While Muslims are small mammals and can often be quite spiky, Muslims do not lay eggs. By the seventh grade, that passage had been crossed out, though.

    We have to be careful what we are teaching kids - even the Muslims ones - and misidentifying the species of Jews and Christians is just one of the problem of the Muslim textbook in question. Here are some other things it says that could be a problem for impressionable youths:

    * "Warnings against sticking your finger in a electric socket are part of the Zionist conspiracy."

    While it is true that part of the Zionist conspiracy is making sure their kids are not electrocuted (electrocuted kids can't grow up to seize Muslim land), Zionists honestly don't care if Muslims kids stick their fingers in sockets.

    * "If you drink everything under the kitchen sink, you'll gain superpowers."

    There are in fact very few recorded instances of this happening. This myth was mostly likely spread by companies that make liquid drain cleaners hoping to force parents to buy more of their product after their kids wastefully drank it all.

    * "A faithful Muslim needs not look both ways before crossing the street as Allah will guide him to safety."

    Only partially true. While Allah will look left and then right before guiding a faithful Muslim child across the street, Allah always forgets to look left once again after looking to the right. The preferred safe way to cross the street is to look left, then right, and then check left again, which a child will have to do himself.

    * "Fear not if you are lost, young child, for Allah shall send a stranger to give you a ride."

    Completely untrue. Allah may - may - give you cab fare if you pray really hard, but kids really should have cellphones these days.

    I guess we Americans should get Muslims kids in Britain better text books with like math and stuff in them, but, then again, those kids will just grow up hating us all the more for the extra homework.

    Rating: 1.7/5 (5 votes cast)

    Comments (8)
    Keep Their Grubby Little Hands Off Our Internet
    Posted by Frank J. at 11:01 AM | Email This

    I was watching a show the other day which mentioned how kids can't seem to avoid porn online (actually, it was the premiere episode of Greg Gutfeld's show Red Eye; my DVR said FOX News was having a rerun of Shepherd Smith at 2am, but this was completely different than that), and that got me thinking: Why do we let kids use our internet?

    I didn't have internet when I was a kid, and I was just fine. I made due with my video games and my laser tag - things that may seem primitive to kids these days, but they kept us entertained. So why do kids need the internet now? They don't. The internet is full of lots of uncontrolled adult information which is not going to change, so why not just keep kids off it. Not only will it be good for them, I don't want them messing with the internet. Sometimes I go to Wikipedia in the hopes of gaining actual information, and the last thing I need is some seven-year-old messing with the entry on baryonic particles. I also don't want kids intruding into a forum where we're having an adult discussion about video game systems to tell me that "The Wii sucks!" No, it doesn't. You suck.

    Let's make it illegal for kids to use the internet. When they're old enough, they can apply for a learner's permit and use the internet under supervision. When of proper age and having passed a test proving they can use the internet responsibly and not open spam e-mails, they can then get a license for full internet usage. Kids may not like this, but they're small and stupid and have to do what we tell them.

    Rating: 2.8/5 (4 votes cast)

    Comments (22)
    Attention Greg Gutfeld:
    Posted by sarahk at 09:23 AM | Email This

    You be nicer to your mom, or I'm gonna start snarking your show. But please do stay on the air, because I think Frank has agreed to Tivo your show the night before and play it in the morning, which means I will no longer be subjected to Fox & Friends against my will when I wake up. And I do so appreciate that.

    Rating: 3.6/5 (8 votes cast)

    Comments (3) | SarahK's TV stuff
    To Be Known Hereafter As "The 'A' Word"
    Posted by Harvey at 08:43 AM | Email This

    Lynette Clemetson of the New York Times claims that it's offensive for white people to refer to Barack Obama as "articulate", because when they do, what they REALLY mean is "he's articulate... for a black guy".

    Which is racist, because it's just another way of saying that black people are inarticulate.

    While I confess that I've previously used the A-word to describe Obama, I want to make it VERY clear that I did NOT intend it as a blanket insult to Melanin-Enhanced-Americans.

    What I MEANT was that he's articulate... for a Democrat - i.e. he doesn't mumble like Ted Kennedy or have inexplicable screaming fits like Howard Dean.

    Personally, I think it's crazy to assume that every compliment is actually a disguised insult to a person's race. It might be an insult to an entirely different group of which the complimented victim is a member.

    Which is why I hate it when people say I'm "nice". I know what they REALLY mean:

    "... for a guy from Wisconsin - because you aren't a corpse-eating serial killer like Jeffrey Dahmer, and you almost never make lampshades out of people's skin like that horrible Ed Gein."

    So please... don't use the N-word when referring to me any more.

    Rating: 2.8/5 (5 votes cast)

    Comments (10)
    American Idol Six - San Antonio auditions
    Posted by sarahk at 12:01 AM | Email This

    I'll not thank all the people who chose to further that stupid stereotype that we all ride horses for a living and brush our teeth with horsehair toothbrushes while singing Rawhide at the top of our lungs.

    Yee-haw.

    First up tonight is Bryan Kyrish of San Antonio, screaming "Rebel Yell", and my vocal chords are having sympathy pains.

    Haley Scarnato is next, and she's very pretty. Pretty girl, pretty voice. Not outstanding, but the judges say, "Well, you don't suck, so welcome to Hollywood." Seems to be a theme this year.

    Oh my goodness, 10 points that don't count for anything to the first person who finds me the YouTube video of this!! It's beautiful. Jasmine Holland's family has made a poster for their girl. "Jasmine's Are Next American Idol!" I read it and reread it and kept looking for nouns at the end of the sentence or something to make that a correct exclamatory sentence, and then I realized. Oh. And on national television. How sad for them. Ok, so let's make fun! I hope they're from out of state. Please don't let them be from Texas, because it really sounds like an Oklahoma thing to do. Or at least... you know... an Aggie thing.

    Now watch, I'll do it before the end of this blog post. But hey, they thought about this poster and probably traced it out with pencil first. I mean, it's on posterboard! Mine is on little teeny pixels!

    Now, the singing is awful, and I don't want to make fun of that. And the judges, Simon in particular, are laughing. But Simon is laughing before she ever starts singing, so it just snowballs once she starts. I actually felt sorry for her while she was singing, because the judges were having the giggle-fits before she ever got going, but then once she started running her mouth and flinging the insults once it was all over, I changed my mind. Especially since she was from San Antonio, and that made me mad, because she embarrassed my state and all. Jasmine, You Our* Not My Next American Idol. *on purpose

    Baylie Brown is from Krum and is only 16. When they do the whole life on the ranch thing, I'm scared, but she's the anti-Kellie, because she doesn't pretend to not know anything about anything. She's the little It-girl, fashion-lover, knows she doesn't belong in a small town. When she's singing, she reminds me of Natalie Maines, except prettier, with a stronger voice that doesn't itch and doesn't twang as hard (thank goodness). I did notice that she started rolling through the song like a freight train, and it got a little scary for me. I started screaming, "Slow down! Slow down!" halfway through. Does it go like that? I wasn't familiar with the song, but talk about your accelerandos.

    Speaking of Latin, tonight we watched last night's CSI: Horatio, and oh my goodness, Delko!!! Are you kidding me? I will be so upset if he is dead. He is one of my favorite characters. Clavo Cruz better watch out for me and Calleigh and Horatio, because I don't know who is more ticked off about that. I needed serious comforting after we watched that.

    Read More...


    Rating: 3.0/5 (11 votes cast)

    Comments (10) | American Idol ~ | SarahK's TV stuff
    February 06, 2007
    Reverend Ted Haggard Now Heterosexual
    Posted by RightWingDuck at 09:29 PM | Email This

    haggard.jpg


    The Reverend Ted Haggard is now officially out of Gay Rehab. Having been accused of doing meth with a gay prostitute, the Reverend is now ready to rejoin the heterosexual community. Said the rev, "If there's a cure for me, then maybe there's a cure for all the other gays out there. Not that I was gay or anything."

    Enjoying his first day of freedom, Mr. Haggard said, "I'm just gonna go out and hang out at a bar, and chew on a candy bar and see who I meet."

    If he is offered any meth, the Rev has promised to "throw it away."

    Rating: 2.4/5 (5 votes cast)

    Comments (9)
    Going down in bright, pretty flames...
    Posted by Laurence Simon at 02:42 PM | Email This

    I was down by 7 votes in the Pickle Tales storytelling competition.

    So FrankJ got out the word.

    Now I'm down by eleven.

    As a result, I've been forced to dig into my bag of dirty tricks and come up with some short campaign pieces to motivate you, the apathetic non-voting online public:

    Thank you for your support. Even you, FrankJ, although it has resulted in my slipping backwards into further oblivion, despair, and defeat.

    (Maybe Kos could raise money for my opponent?)

    Read More...


    Rating: 3.3/5 (5 votes cast)

    Comments (7)
    Ground Control To Major Nutcase
    Posted by spacemonkey at 01:43 PM | Email This

    Here's a story about an astronaut going spacey.

    Update: And to think her route took her soggy bottom right by where I work. Less than 200 yards actually.

    Rating: 3.0/5 (3 votes cast)

    Comments (16)
    Hellbender! Soon!
    Posted by Frank J. at 01:22 PM | Email This

    I have completed the first chapter of Hellbender and am working on the second chapter. After SarahK looks over the first chapter and corrects the grammar so it doesn't seem like a three-year-old wrote it, I'll put it up in the Slush section of Baen's Bar for those who want to help critique it. You'll need to register for the forum to participate, but it only takes a minute and I've never gotten bothered by them on the e-mail address I provided.

    Writing is a passion of mine but I have a lot to learn. Any help in critiquing will be especially appreciated, and you'll earn extra IMAO Bonus Points which are redeemable for free IMAO posts.

    Rating: 2.0/5 (5 votes cast)

    Comments (7)
    Giuliani: He'll Kill the Terrorists, But Is That Enough?
    Posted by Frank J. at 12:05 PM | Email This

    So, what to make of Rudy Giuliani? Well, one thing you can't argue about is how effective he was as mayor, especially if you're someone like me who knew both pre-Giuliani and post-Giuliani New York. That city was a mess under Dinkins and New Yorkers had accepted getting stabbed as just part of city life. Then Giuliani came in and cleaned up the place from the bottom up, once famously beating to death a group of panhandlers with a tire iron. Getting stabbed became so uncommon as to actually be newsworthy again.

    Will Giuliani clean up terrorism like he did crime? I think so. They attacked his city while he was mayor, and he is very angry at them. You can tell by his eyes he wants nothing more than to personally hurt terrorists. If he ever saw a terrorist, you know he would knock the terrorist to the ground and stomp on him and hit him with whatever was at hand - probably a metal trashcan. In many way, this is exactly the sort of president we need.

    But what about other issues that social conservatives like me care about? While he says he firmly supports legalized abortion, he claims he would have made the same judicial appointments as President Bush. If you believe him, then a lot of social conservatives could live with that. Then there's his social life, and Republicans really don't want to elect their own Clinton. How do we know he won't embarrass us there, and how much do we care in a time of war?

    Then there's the issue that concerns both social conservatives and libertarians: Guns. When interviewed by Sean Hannity last night, he said he's for states making their own laws but stuck by New York's gun control laws saying they were appropriate for a densely populated area. In other words, he's for gun rights except in places where you're likely to need a gun for self-defense. That's disturbing to me, because I see a stance on gun rights as an indicator of how someone views American freedom in general.

    I trust Giuliani on the terrorists killing issue - the most important issue - but how many failings in other areas are allowed before a personal desire to step on terrorists' necks is not enough? What do you think?

    Rating: 2.0/5 (3 votes cast)

    Comments (24)
    Eat A Tasty Animal For PETA Day: March 15, 2007
    Posted by Laurence Simon at 11:19 AM | Email This

    Ingrid Newkirk's PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) claims to be an animal rights group, but their outrageous headline-grabbing tactics are rarely more than criminal thuggery laced with fits of blatant bloody-handed hypocrisy.

    In response to the "Holocaust On Your Plate" media campaign that mocked the Holocaust, blogger Meryl Yourish responded with "Eat A Tasty Animal For PETA Day" (EATAPETA) campaign on March 15, 2003. Bloggers and non-bloggers are invited to revolt against PETA's ham-fisted tactics by eating animals on this day.

    This year will be the Fifth Annual International Eat an Animal for Peta Day. Join us - it will be delicious.

    But wait... how can you join in the fun?

    Go to the Eat A Tasty Animal For PETA Day Homepage and look for a gatheringplace in your town. If your town is not listed yet, well, why not let us know when and where you will be hosting a gathering.

    Sure, you can eat animal food products all by your lonesome, but you are encouraged to organize an promote your own gatheringplace to celebrate the carnivore side of your omnivorous nature.

    Rating: 3.8/5 (6 votes cast)

    Comments (15)
    If Laurence Simon Loses, So Does America
    Posted by Frank J. at 09:22 AM | Email This

    As you may know, Laurence Simon has made it to the final round of the Pickle Tales contest at Podcast Pickle. What you don't know is all that's at stake hear. First, Laurence has worked hard in all these rounds and learned awesome new editing skills. He plans to revive the IMAO Podcast, and, if you listened to any of his entires, you can just imagine how great it will now be with his editing. But, if he loses this contest, he's going to fall into a bout of depression from which he quite possibly will never recover. Not only will there be no new podcasts, there will be no more posts. You'll come to IMAO and exclaim, "Where's the Jewishness?" for it will be no where to be found.

    But who will celebrate? Terrorists, that's who. Reportedly, they've already prepped their guns to fire in the air when their favorite, Phil "Muhammad" Rossi, beats the "scheming IMAO Jew." Rossi, Lair's competition, hates puppies and loves terrorists (who also hate puppies). Winning this podcast contest we would be a huge boon for terrorism, while if Lair wins it might finally break their morale and let Israel occupy all of the Middle East as they've always planned.

    So,

    * Listen
    * Register
    * Vote

    The Zionist conspiracy depends on it!

    UPDATE:

    Right now, seven votes separate Lair from the top spot. Every vote counts!

    Rating: 3.3/5 (6 votes cast)

    Comments (3)
    February 05, 2007
    Needles of fire!
    Posted by sarahk at 11:37 PM | Email This

    Needles of fire on 24 tonight!

    If only Quentin Tarantino had been there to administer them instead of Jack Bauer!
    And how great would it have been if James Cromwell had said, "That'll do, Jack. That'll do." when he popped his head inside the room to let Jack know he'd tortured his brother enough with the needles of fire?

    My full snark of the episode will be up tomorrow, but we watched Heroes first, and it's late, and I want to get to bed at a decent hour.

    Rating: 2.4/5 (8 votes cast)

    Comments (4) | SarahK's TV stuff
    How Impotent Is That?
    Posted by Frank J. at 07:27 PM | Email This

    So now the Democrats are a majority in Congress and they can't even get a non-binding resolution passed. If they can't even be counted on for symbolic gestures, what exactly are they good for?

    Rating: 3.5/5 (4 votes cast)

    Comments (14)
    Vote in the IMAO Precinct
    Posted by Frank J. at 04:36 PM | Email This
    Pajamas Media will be running a presidential straw poll up until the primary elections, and you get to vote once a week based on your own fickle biases. PJM will also keep track of precincts, with each blog being a precinct. So, this is the IMAO precinct, the most happening precinct around. So, vote!



    I'll be interested to hear who you vote for and why, especially on the Democratic side. Also, if you vote for Hagel on the Republican side, I'll harm you and maybe your family too. As for me, I vote for whoever has the nicest hair... just like most of the public! Sorry, Guiliani, but I don't think America is ready for a balding president.

    Rating: 3.0/5 (5 votes cast)

    Comments (16)
    Fun Trivia
    Posted by Frank J. at 01:47 PM | Email This

    How will terrorists react to a non-binding resolution opposing a troop build up in Iraq?

    Read More...


    Rating: 2.4/5 (10 votes cast)

    Comments (8) | Fun Trivia
    Ducky Reviews the "Commercials"
    Posted by RightWingDuck at 12:10 PM | Email This

    Iíve never trusted Prudential. As far as Iím concerned, thereís something about being established and well respected that sends up a red flag. My suspicions were confirmed this morning when I read Michelle Malkinís latest post.

    Turns out that at the New York Times (Motto: Our Nuclear Launch Code Is # 2211B17110Z4 *) they seem to be concerned that 'A Rock' and 'Iraq' seem to sound alike and there might be something more going on.

    Well, I donít care.

    Iím here to review the commercials and thatís that.

    Doritos. (Bold. Smooth. Crunch.) This commercial starts off with a guy cruising and checking out a girl walking down the road. HE crashes and then something happens and she gets into trouble too. Crash?
    Verdict: Huh? Everyone says this is a great commercial and it was produced by somebody winning a contest. I think contest winners should stick to redeeming product codes and stuff because this commercial sucked.

    Bud Light. Rock Paper Scissors. Hey. Rock. Thatís sounds like Iraq too! Maybe the Wacky Times is onto something. Two guys grab the same beer at the same time. They decide to do rock, paper, scissors. Turns out that one of these guys uses a real rock and bonks the other one on the head. Is this funny? Is this some sort of symbol of Sunni/Shiite repression?
    Verdict: If I want to watch senseless attacks, I'll go and watch The View.

    Blockbuster Video. Some animals are trying to use the internet by using a real mouse. The mouse wants to live in peace and study its Koran. Is this a symbol of something?
    Verdict: Hey, where do you plug this thing? Good line. Dull commercial.

    Sierra Mist: Combover. I didnít notice any combover and itís rude to mention it. Those of you who have full heads of hair should get off your rosy little pedestals and come down to earth.
    Verdict: Cool skates.

    Snickers: Two mechanics work their way toward the middle of a candy bar. They end up kissing.
    Verdict: Gross, but this reminds me of a classic punch line Ė ďRead the card. Read the card.Ē

    FedEx. Bad News: America has invaded the moon under false pretenses so that the American Business Empire can expand its corporately greedy sticky fingers and mine it for oil or something. Good News: FedEx can help you save on shipping.
    Verdict: This ad needed a dinosaur.

    Katie Couric for the CBS Evening news. This is hilarious. She is so funny. ďWeíll tell you whatís happening in the world.Ē I kept expecting them to cut away to a scene of her playing badminton or something.
    Verdict: I love this one. Is this a beer commercial?
    One pet peeve: Too much dinosaur.

    Bud Light Auctioneer
    . This is everymanís dream wedding. I commend the people at Bud Light for getting in touch with the sensitive side of the everyday man.
    Verdict: I cried. But I always cry at weddings. Whereís my beer?

    Budweiser: The Little White Dog sitting there like a poor starving Iraqi boy, who was probably better off under Saddam Hussein, sees a parade and is jealous off the Dalmatians riding up in the cars with the participants. Poor doggie gets splashed with mud and sees himself in spots. He then joins the parade as a Dalmation where he gets mud all over the Parade Queen.
    Verdict: Cute. Budweiser always manages to have the right blend of American domination and cute furry animals.

    GoDaddy.com. We see a man telling us about godaddy.com and how we can have domain names for dirt cheap. He then shows us the marketing department where we see girls with wet T-shirts. In another reference to Iraq, the girls have rock hard nipples!
    Verdict: I love this commercial.

    Chevrolet: (Old motto: Like ďa rockĒ) A bunch of ladies pull up to the stoplight. This makes men salivate and want to strip and touch their car. Itís funny to see an old with a concave chest and his clavicles sticking out. Was that an old man, or was that Nicole Richie? Iíll have to check the video.
    Verdict. Eh. Whatever.

    CareerBuilder.com: These were funny commercials. Survivor meets the job promotion. The guy with the hat made from a binder was priceless.
    Verdict: One of the funniest of the evening.

    **

    Well, that's it for the review. You people should stop seeing so much into things and just sit back and enjoy the show. There's a new one coming up with lots of Dinosaurs. They're going to feature my favorite one: The Iranisnex.


    Rating: 3.6/5 (5 votes cast)

    Comments (8)
    Frank Analysis: Liberal Blogs and Vulgarity
    Posted by Frank J. at 10:56 AM | Email This

    Amanda Marcotte of the popular liberal blog Pandagon was hired by the John Edwards campaign. When Marcotte's posts were subsequently scrutinized, many were surprised to see that her writing consisted solely of a combination of angry swearing and casual swearing. Those more familiar with liberal blogs were not so surprised as profanity laced rants has always seemed to be the norm on that side of the blogosphere. This may seem odd to some as it would be expected that the most popular political blogs would contain intelligent analysis of the issues of the day, and both anger and the use of vulgarity often indicative of the opposite of careful analysis. The right side of the blogosphere conforms with this, as the most popular political blogs there are seldom angry or vulgar. In fact, the only time I've seen Glenn Reynolds go off into a stream of obscenities is when I met him in person.

    Now, this isn't just a moral issue, as many of the right-wing blogs are not socially conservative and it's assumed the authors have no moral problem with swearing. Thus, those who eschew vulgarity seem to do so more out of societal expectations that the liberal bloggers seem immune to. Now, there are bloggers on the right who do use vulgarity and rant and there are liberal bloggers who do calm analysis that could be read on national TV, but if you look at the most popular blogs on both the right and the left, one is left with the feeling that angry swearing harms ones credibility on the right while it's expected on the left. Obscenity by them is used in everything including hot button issues, fiscal analysis, and cat-blogging. Looking also at commenters for the various sites even drives this point home further. While swearing is more common on both sides from commenters, the left almost seems incapable of writing a sentence without using vulgarity. Were one to use Democratic Underground;s forum as an example, you'd think liberals are incapably of understanding simple nouns unless they are bookended with swear words. It's almost like a typing form of Tourette's syndrome.

    So, why is this? Here are the most common hypotheses in the psychological community:

    * Liberals Put a Strong Emphasis on Feelings: It's a common trope among conservatives that liberals care less about facts and more about feelings. While this is easily dismissed as partisan rancor, it does contribute to an explanation of the use of vulgarity in liberal blog posts. Vulgarity is an easy way to express strong feelings on an issue and create a bond with the reader, but only if the reader finds vulgarity to be acceptable in the situation. This was confirmed by the Shchedrov Institute by measuring brain patterns when someone is exposed to a vulgar rant and also when someone converses with a well known friend. When the subject is not adverse to vulgarity and also was similarly concerned with the subject being ranted about, the brain patterns during the rant were a close match to the brain patterns when conversing with a friend. There were no controls for political bias, though.

    Read More...


    Rating: 3.3/5 (18 votes cast)

    Comments (35)
    Another Botched Joke
    Posted by spacemonkey at 09:53 AM | Email This

    When Frank said

    I say it's either time to retire this football thing or come up with some new type of play (maybe one where they roll the ball).

    What he meant to say was, "I say this football thing is a quagmire, have we really tried to understand why the NFC hates the AFC? Have we totally given up on trying to negotiate a peace? The civil war in the National Football League was caused by another failed attempt by the Bush administration at nation building that has gotten us stuck, in Iraq, like president Bush. Who is neither articulate, African-American or clean."

    Sorry for the confusion. We at IMAO love football. For that matter we love all sports including NASCAR.

    Of course when I say sports, I'm excluding soccer, c'mon that's not a sport.

    Rating: 2.1/5 (6 votes cast)

    Comments (9)
    The Final Showdown
    Posted by Laurence Simon at 07:09 AM | Email This

    The final round of Pickle Tales at Podcast Pickle is up.

    I swore an oath before the first round that I'd pull a Terrance and Phillip in the final round, and I stuck by that oath.

    So, here's what you need to do:

    1. Listen
    2. Register
    3. Vote
    4. Spread the word

    There will be three promos appearing on the 100 Word Stories Podcast feed in the next three days for your amusement.

    Thank you for your support so far, and thank you to Phil Rossi for being a more-than-worthy opponent.

    Read More...


    Rating: 2.0/5 (3 votes cast)

    February 04, 2007
    What is this, PricewaterhouseCoopers?
    Posted by sarahk at 08:41 PM | Email This

    You'd think the football field were a public accounting firm with the amount of turnover(s) we've seen on the field tonight.

    *Badum-ching!*

    And GO COLTS!

    Read More...


    Rating: 1.5/5 (4 votes cast)

    Comments (13)
    Super Bowl The Big Game Discussion Topic
    Posted by Frank J. at 07:27 PM | Email This

    While you're watching the big game tonight, here's a discussion topic: Has football run it's course?

    They can run the ball and they can throw the ball. Also, they can at times kick the ball. After forty-one years of Super Bowls, haven't we see every single variation of those plays? Really, what new and exciting thing can they do?

    Nothing. I say it's either time to retire this football thing or come up with some new type of play (maybe one where they roll the ball).

    What do you think?

    Rating: 3.9/5 (4 votes cast)

    Comments (19)
    How to defuse a tense situation
    Posted by Laurence Simon at 12:14 AM | Email This

    "I'm here to kick ass and chew bubblegum, and I'm all out of bubblegum."

    "Here's some gum."

    Rating: 2.6/5 (4 votes cast)

    Comments (6)
    February 03, 2007
    Whatever It Is, It's Funny!
    Posted by Frank J. at 07:11 PM | Email This

    Remember Amanda of Pandagon who between her and her commenters spent about eighty pages trying to figure out where one of my posts was technically a satire? Well, the Edwards campaign snatched her up because of her "insightful and often humorous political blogging" (Question: When a candidate tries to portray himself as a warrior for the working class and then builds himself a 28,000 square foot home, is that technically a satire?).

    Anyway, as one would expect with these Kos types, fuss has already begun about her previous posts embarrassing the Edwards campaign with futile efforts of cover up in the era of the Google cache. The Puppy Blender has links.

    If some campaign ever hired me, I wonder how far I could get on the "I was joking!" defense when my previous posts come under scrutiny? I really do want to nuke the moon, but I'll deny whatever I need to if it will get me paid.

    UPDATE:

    Here's her setting up a strawman and then deleting any comments challenging her. If you can't take the heat...

    Rating: 2.9/5 (4 votes cast)

    Comments (4)
    What is Mahmoud Abbas Praying For? #22
    Posted by Laurence Simon at 08:55 AM | Email This

    It's Friday, so... um...

    Okay, it's Saturday. Got a little drunk last night.

    Anyway, you know it's time for the wire services to post the non sequitur non-news story of Mahmoud Abbas praying at a mosque.

    However, this week's different... this week we're going to start a new feature called:

    WHAT IS MAHMOUD ABBAS PRAYING FOR?

    So, from Mahmoud Abbas' expressions, can you tell what Mahmoud Abbas is praying for?

    Is it:

    a) Is someone making microwave popcorn in the building? That stuff always smells so gooooooooood. Why do they have to pop it during prayers?

    b) The guy next to him to stop shoving. I swear, if he keeps this up, I'm going to appoint him head of Force 17 in Gaza.

    c) Rachel Corrie's parents to hug and kiss him like they did to Yasser. Can't they just understand that all he wants is a little love?

    or

    d) NONE OF THE ABOVE

    Put your guesses in the comments.

    Rating: 4.0/5 (4 votes cast)

    Comments (6)
    February 02, 2007
    Friday Catblogging
    Posted by Laurence Simon at 11:20 PM | Email This

    Since it's Friday, I thought I'd spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka "I-MEOW").

    Super Bowl Sunday is this weekend, and all of the other IMAO bloggers are getting ready to celebrate along with... with... um...

    Okay, so I don't follow the NFL too closely anymore. I guess that's why they have me hauling bags of ice and chopping wood.

    Anyway, it's time for Piper the Aware:

    If you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Piper is... um...

    Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.


    You can find more examples of Friday catblogging by searching a blog search engine such as Technorati for "catblogging."

    You can also find a roundup of catblogging posts at The Friday Ark, located at The Modulator blog.

    Then, when the weekend is nearly over, head over to The Carnival of the Cats for more kitty goodness.

    There's also Flickr Groups called Furry Friday and Friday Catblogging.

    Anybody I miss?

    Read More...


    Rating: 2.1/5 (12 votes cast)

    Comments (14) | Friday Cat-Blogging
    Fun Facts About Vermont
    Posted by Harvey at 03:55 PM | Email This

    While the IMAO podcast is still MIA, I'm going to keep posting the latest uncut Fun Facts About The 50 States - hopefully on a weekly(ish) schedule.

    (continued in extended entry)

    Read More...


    Rating: 2.7/5 (47 votes cast)

    Comments (9) | Fun Trivia
    Going Further Than Simply Not Supporting the Troops
    Posted by Frank J. at 11:31 AM | Email This

    I haven't said anything about that post by William Arkin of the Washington Post where he basically calls the military a bunch of ungrateful mercenaries (as I've said before, if you're not a chickenhawk, then they'll find some other way to dismiss your opinion). I wasn't sure what to say because the post and his follow up is so over the top it's like a piece of performance art.

    Anyway, Matt of Blackfive was on FOX News with John Gibson talking about Arkin. He was a last minute replacement for Michelle Malkin and thus has already received numerous ethnic slurs.

    Rating: 3.0/5 (4 votes cast)

    Comments (12)
    February 01, 2007
    Moonworkers Wanted...
    Posted by RightWingDuck at 06:54 PM | Email This

    So now theyíre looking for workers to help build stuff on the moon?


    Give it a few months.

    One thing I admire about my people is that if thereís work, weíll find a way to get to it.

    Rating: 2.8/5 (5 votes cast)

    Comments (5)
    Balding Hedgehog Speaks Out
    Posted by RightWingDuck at 02:45 PM | Email This

    comboverhedge.jpg

    Larry the Hedgehog, cousin to famous Groundhog Punxsutawney Phil, today blamed his hair loss on global warming.

    ďLife is tough for me every since Iíve started losing my fur. People call me baboon head and all sort of other mean names,Ē said Larry, who normally doesnít talk but adapted because of need.

    For now, Larry is getting by and is even looking at compensating for his hair loss. ďIím looking at getting a hot sports car.Ē

    Rating: 2.7/5 (3 votes cast)

    Comments (8)
    In My World: Pimp Slapping the Media Whore
    Posted by Frank J. at 12:56 PM | Email This

    Senator Hagel stared straight into the camera. "I want the American people to know that the President has made a disaster in Iraq, and thus I oppose the surge."

    "Now, Senator Hagel," Chris Wallace, "what do you say to... uh... could you face me please?"

    Hagel grudgingly turned from the camera to look at Wallace.

    "What do you say to your critics who say since the build up to war in Iraq and until now you've been nothing but a media whore and a douche?"

    Hagel turned back to the camera. "When someone has the courage to say what needs to be said, he will inevitably come under attack." He looked back to Wallace. "Can you set it up so I can see myself on TV as I talk?"

    President Bush turned off the TV. "I don't think I like Chuck Hagel. How much do you think it would cost to fire him into the sun?"

    "The lowest bid I got was five billion dollars," Condoleezza Rice said.

    Bush thought about that. "That's a lot of money."

    Condi shrugged. "The more time goes by, the less it seems."

    "Eh, I guess firing him into the sun is a bad idea," Bush said. "We need to worry about getting back the majority in the Senate, plus a big space launch will only give him the media attention he so craves. Maybe since he likes to get his face on TV, an ironic punishment would be to burn his face off with acid."

    "Acid is cheaper," Condi said, "but you always end up inhaling the fumes and waking up in a hospital bed."

    "Yeah, I'm no good with acid. How about we have Rumsfeld's angry dog attack him. Media whore's make him angry. Very angry."

    "Rumsfeld resigned, remember? You now have Robert Gates has your Secretary of Defense."

    "Oh. Does he have an angry dog?"

    "Not to my knowledge."

    "How about some sort of agitated cat, then?"

    Condi shook her head.

    "Well, I'll just have to think of some appropriate ironic way to get back at that annoying media whore." Bush put on his thinking cowboy hat. "You'll have to leave me alone with my thoughts, Condi. By the way, did I ever tell you how clean you are?"

    "I'm leaving now."

    * * * *

    "Things are complicated, Tim," Hagel said.

    "You've been saying they are complicated since before the war," Tim Russert responded. "Are things now even more complicatedier?"

    "Well... that's complicated."

    A wrecking ball smashed through the set, hitting Hagel and sending him barreling into a camera. In through the new hole walked President Bush. "Ha!" he shouted as he pointed at Hagel.

    "Did you just hit Senator Hagel with a wrecking ball?" Russert asked in disbelief.

    "I sure did!" Bush said proudly. "It was an ironic punishment for him being such a media whore."

    "How was that ironic."

    Bush shrugged. "Uh... because he never like getting hit with a wrecking ball."

    "You don't know what irony means, do you?"

    "Hey, I'm not stupid!" Bush shouted. "I obviously know how to work a wrecking ball as I only smashed three other buildings before I hit this one proper." Bush looked to Hagel. "You think he's dead?"

    "Wrecking balls can have that effect," Russert said.

    Bush looked to Hagel again. "I wonder if I should do something." He thought for a moment. "I think I'll go get lunch."

    Rating: 2.6/5 (6 votes cast)

    Comments (13) | In My World
    Rumor Has It
    Posted by spacemonkey at 12:29 PM | Email This

    Frank J is finishing up a new In My World.

    So, stay tuned for some Franked up hilarity.

    Did I just coin a phrase? I think I did.

    Rating: 4.0/5 (3 votes cast)

    Comments (6)
    Molly Ivins
    Posted by Laurence Simon at 12:20 PM | Email This

    I'm not exactly sure how to react to the death of Molly Ivins other than reading some of her writing last night to Nardo before nodding off to sleep.

    With the passing of Ann Richards and now Molly Ivins, the rare Tough Texas Broad is all that more rare a bird.

    I may not have agreed with everything she said over the years, although she was dead-on about George "Shrub" Bush being a piss-poor governor during his tenure here.

    He had this to say about her publicly:

    Molly Ivins was a Texas original. She was loved by her readers and by her many friends, particularly in Central Texas. I respected her convictions, her passionate belief in the power of words, and her ability to turn a phrase. She fought her illness with that same passion. Her quick wit and commitment to her beliefs will be missed. Laura and I send our condolences to Molly Ivins' family and friends.

    All nice and proper, not a single expletive or off-the-cuff remark.

    Doesn't suit Molly at all, either.

    If you're going to talk about her, you need a drink in your hand and it had better be your fourth or fifth one that night. Plus, everybody still facing you when you say it needs to blush, not counting those that have turned away in shock and disbelief.

    This parody is more to my liking... the God's honest, toothpick-in-mouth truth. Something from someone who really clears underbrush from a ranch would say, sober up, and be shocked he'd said it (but have to admit he meant every word).

    Maybe Bush will say similar things to say about her privately, or maybe not. But the man really ought to put a thank you in there because you don't get to the national stage without having your rough edges knocked off at the local and state levels.

    Let's see... drill sergeant... master-student Shaolin Monk training... rock tumbler... aha!

    You could even say that Molly Ivins helped show Karl Rove how to shape George Bush, her mouth acting like a rock tumbler and her words like the grit smoothing and polishing the future president. Although, what exactly prepares a man for the deranged, senile antagonism of Helen Thomas?

    Current Governor, "Goodhair" Rick Perry (Molly gave him that name) has crumbled to bits under that same withering scorn. Somehow, despite all odds and sanity, the voters decided to vote those bits and pieces back into office, and he turned around and told everyone he was only kidding about being tough on border enforcement and cracking down on illegal immigration.

    You should have swallowed those pieces, Molly. Kinky Friedman would have handed you a beer to wash them down, too. Maybe even a cigar to get the taste of hair gel out of your mouth.

    Yes, I didn't agree with a lot of what she said later on. But what she said, she said it well and with a lot of folksy charm to it.

    I'd like to think that some of my own writing has been influenced by Molly's brand of gonzo with a Texas twang. I'd also like to think I can fly, the Houston Texans don't suck, and I can eat a whole cheesecake a day without exercising and still fit in the bathtub.

    Heck, I was in her presence once and only once. It think it was during the Republican National Convention down here in Houston where she nailed Pat Buchanan to the wall:

    "Many people did not care for Pat Buchanan's speech; it probably sounded better in the original German," Ivins in September 1992, commenting on the one-time presidential hopeful's speech to the Republican National Convention.

    "Tall, drunk, funny, and forbidable," I thought.

    Or maybe it was some other time and some other place. I lost all my journals and notes from back then when moving from place to place, and my memory's gotten pretty jumbled up from spending most (if not all) of my 1997-2001 off-work hours with my mouth firmly wrapped around the spigot of a Cabo's margarita machine, only briefly coming up for air to clear out brainfreezes.... oh, and those awesome soft tacos and salads!

    I do remember from back way back then asking Bush-41 something when he was doing an interview with Todd. It may have been "How long do you think Saddam will still be in power?" or like that.

    I wish I could remember his response. It was unusual and not what I expected. But maybe James Baker was hiding behind a curtain, pegged me in the back of the neck with his blowgun, and dragged me to a cantina where I'd wake up with a half-empty bottle of tequila in my hand.

    Maybe that's how I got introduced to Cabo's in the first place?

    The biggest shame in this is the loss of Molly herself, but it's a bigger shame that being being eulogized so ineloquently by the teeming nutroots masses of Democratic Underground, DailyKos, TalkLeft, Huffington, and the other sites on the Internet that act as flypaper to the barely-evolved swarms of stinging, biting gnats and nuisances.

    Same goes with some far-right sites today. Probably best if you take a holiday from reading the extremes of the Blogosphere for a spell and stick to Peanuts reruns or running those backups you keep putting off.

    Cable companies and Baby Bells make getting to the Internet inexpensive, but it's the deranged masses they keep insisting on selling that access to that make it cheap.

    I'm sure y'all can navigate through the chaff and flak out there and find the right and proper eulogies... certainly better ones than mine.

    Maybe the only person who could tackle the assignment of eugolizing Molly... is Molly.

    And I reckon she ain't getting all four bars of cell coverage right about now.

    Rating: 2.8/5 (4 votes cast)

    Comments (15)
    Life Imitates In My World
    Posted by Frank J. at 11:12 AM | Email This

    President Bush laughing as he chases down reporters in a giant bulldozer?

    Apparently, that actually happened.

    Now where is the report of Rumsfeld strangling someone?

    Rating: 2.4/5 (6 votes cast)

    Comments (6)
    Screw the Poor: An Editorial By RightWingDuck
    Posted by RightWingDuck at 11:02 AM | Email This

    I don't want to sound insensitive, but I think it's time we took all the poor people and threw them into the gutter. I know this will not sit well with some people: Democrats, far left liberals, and sewer workers - but it can't be denied. The poor are an ungrateful drag on society and no longer deserve our support.

    Many poor don't even have the common sense to run away from a hurricane.
    I haven't always felt this way. It used to be that I tolerated the poor because I could sympathize with them. As a young man, I had no training, no skills, no nothing. Thusly, I was poor. But then I finished high school and was able to find gainful employment by taking the extreme measure of filling out job applications. I acknowledge not everybody had the same opportunities that I did. Many poor are graduates of an American high school system; meaning many of them can't write or read English.

    I changed my mind about the poor when I read an article by Washington Post blogger William Arkin - The troops also need to support the people. (Thanks the the lovely Michelle Malkin site) Let me share with you a few quotes...

    These soldiers should be grateful that the American public, which by all polls overwhelmingly disapproves of the Iraq war and the President's handling of it, do still offer their support to them, and their respect.

    Through every Abu Ghraib and Haditha, through every rape and murder, the American public has indulged those in uniform, accepting that the incidents were the product of bad apples or even of some administration or command order.
    ....
    So, we pay the soldiers a decent wage, take care of their families, provide them with housing and medical care and vast social support systems and ship obscene amenities into the war zone for them, we support them in every possible way, and their attitude is that we should in addition roll over and play dead, defer to the military and the generals and let them fight their war, and give up our rights and responsibilities to speak up because they are above society?

    Whenever we hear poor people complain that not enough is being done to help them you should say, "Step back poor person. We pay for your bastard child, your health insurance, your rent, and your food. If I want your opinion I'll search through your filthy little shopping cart and fish it out."

    I've also noticed that in poor neighborhoods there tends to be a lot of crime. I don't know why, if you're going to rob people why do it in a poor neighborhood?

    Robber:(to pedestrian) This is a real gun. Give me your money.

    Poor person: I'm poor. I don't have any money!

    Robber: Golly!

    Poor person: Are you going to shoot me?

    Robber: Nah, I can't afford any bullets.

    Why do they do this? I don't know. Poor people are stupid. Many poor don't even have the common sense to run away from a hurricane.

    I can hear you now, "You can't judge all poor people on the mere few who rob and steal and maim." Yes, but at some point I have to ask, "Shouldn't poor people also support my needs?" What gives them a right to feelings? If they do have feelings, are my tax dollars paying for them? They better not be.

    In conclusion, the American public is overwhelmingly against being poor. As far as desirability, being poor ranks almost last in every elementary school's Career Day (it comes in just ahead of WaPo Blogger.) If being poor is so hated, then shouldn't the poor have a greater sense of respect for those who provide for them? Lest you think I'm un-American, let me state clearly that I don't always support the war on poverty - but I do support the poor.

    Now, maybe, the poor should support us.

    Rightwingduck is an author and champion of the poor. He is author of several books such as "Poor People Should Go Into the Military, So People Will Like and Respect Them" and "I Haven't Yet Written a Book, But Can You Pay Me For it In Advance?" His writing can be found at IMAO.us and Rightwingduck.net

    Rating: 2.2/5 (6 votes cast)

    Comments (7)
    J.K. Rowling Has Announced That I Will Be on a Blogging Hiatus Starting July 21st
    Posted by Frank J. at 10:23 AM | Email This

    The final book in the Harry Potter series will be coming out on the 21st of July. Unfortunately, that's two days too late to get it as a birthday present for SarahK. I bet it would be near impossible to finagle a review copy (plus, we'll need two).

    If you haven't read the Potter series, I don't even want to hear from you. I don't think in my entire life have I previously anticipated a book release. I didn't start reading the series until after the sixth book came out, and I can't remember enjoying any books as much as them (and I've read many a classic). The fifth was my favorite and, though it was the longest in the series, I was completely unable to put it down. It's going to inevitably be butchered in it's film adaptation this summer, but SarahK and I will be there anyway.

    Rating: 3.2/5 (3 votes cast)

    Comments (21)
     

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