02... Alaina is dedicating to her mom, who worked four jobs to support her kids. She wants to be able to give back to and provide for her mom. Mom is crying in the audience. Alaina looks gorgeous. The dress is perfect, way better than the ugly ensemble of last week. Blue is an awesome color on her. Hair is excellent, as always. First bit is good. Oh, this is that song? She's singing "Not Ready to Make Nice" or whatever the angry mad rant fest song is called. Ok, it's the first time I'm hearing the entire song. I've only ever heard the one line of the chorus that they play over and over, because see, I listen to country stations, and they don't play the Dixie Chicks on my station, and I'm fine with that. So I just hear it on TV commercials and whatnot. Anyway, the more of the song I hear, the more annoyed I get that she picked this song. Oh no, it's really out of tune. But I was trying to listen to the words to see what all the fuss is about and hung up on the fact that she was making these ridiculous facial expressions to let us, America, know that she really means it. I really mean it, y'all. I'm mad as H-E-double-hockey-sticks! So now I have to go back and relisten so I can give her a fair judging. First... hang on... let me just get my duct tape and put it around my head so my head doesn't explode a second time... there... we... go. Ok, yeah, that was out of tune like I thought the first time. She was out of breath in several spots. And I think a lot of people are going to be offended by her song choice. Like me. I'm offended by her artist choice. What's the big deal about patriotism? Alaina probably doesn't read the news and have any idea the kind of crap that comes out of Natalie's mouth, though. Anyway, Randy says wow, it was pitchy. Not good, dawg. Paula, who was dancing the whole time, says it was a little out of tune but not as bad as the Dawg says. Simon says it was like Randy running a 100 meter dash or something. You ran out of steam 3/4 of the way through. That sounds right to me.

03... Lakisha is next, and she dedicates to her Grama. Grama is in LUV with Ryan Seacrest. That judgment notwithstanding (oh, I'm just playin'). What is she wearing? Short denim skirt that doesn't work for her. Big oversized orange sweater. And leopard print heels. Nothing matches, her hair is very blah and pasted to her head. Her outfit looks like she wants to get noticed on the boulevard (I'm sorry, I love her too, but it must be said, because it must be prevented from ever happening again), while her hair makes me think she wants to hide in a cave and never be seen by anyone again. It's a little befuddling. Anyway, she's doing "Midnight Train to Georgia". Paris did this last year, and I don't remember particularly enjoying it, but I could be wrong. I have to keep it real, y'all, this is really boring. She has a phenomenal voice, and I feel like she went safe and boring tonight. She seemed nervous, so I don't think she went to the Studdard School of Sloth, but if she wasn't born with a huge voice, she'd be practically unnoticeable tonight. RANDY: That was hot. You were nervous in the beginning. Don't be nervous. PAULA: Remember, you're Lakisha. Woo hoo! SIMON: Interesting dance at the end. Not as good as last week. You didn't come out thinking you're a big star this week. The outfit is distracting, I don't like it. I think you're a phenomenal singer, but I'm saying as nicely as possible that I don't like the outfit. RYAN: You don't like salmon? SIMON: It's orange. SARAHK: And hookery. You were safe and boring, and I agree with Simon on the outfit. You have a huge voice, but if you rest on your laurels, someone's going to use your laurels as a stepstool and vault right over your head. Mwah. Love ya.

04... Melinda Doolittle dedicates her performance to her "Gails". She's Oprah, they're her Gails. One is her vocal coach, and the other is a stylist. She hates to shop, just like me. She's singing "My Funny Valentine", and first words out of my mouth: Can y'all please stop doing the same songs over and over?! Do songs no one else has done on this show! Anyway, it can't possibly be the horror show that it was when Constantine did it a couple of years ago, so I don't know why I'm worried, I guess I'm just thinking that they've got soooo many songs to choose from, and they keep picking ones they've heard someone else do on the show? Do something else. Y'all have no idea how many automatic booster credits Chris Richardson got before "Geek in the Pink" ever started last night. Jason Mraz on American Idol, that was my dream come true!

On with the singing. She looks great, standard Melinda clothing. Denim jacket, jeans, red blouse, cute jewelry. Red shoes. The singing is fantastic. Fantastic. Far better than what Lakisha did just now. No crazy dancing antics, either. Just amazing vocals, good stage presence, and I'm very pleased. So is Simon, because he is grinning. RANDY: Yo, we have a competition. You're in it to win it. You came out here, you and Lakisha -- um, why do you even need to mention the previous singer, she's not onstage right now. You wouldn't do that when Lakisha is singing, so you shouldn't do that to another contestant. PAULA: You're a beautiful butterfly with vocal wings. SIMON: The best vocal we've had throughout the competition. We've had precocious monsters on this show, and I don't think you're one of them. You don't know how good you are, and I don't think you'd change if you won. You're a breath of fresh air and a sweet little lollypop. That was fantastic. RYAN: Was it easier this week? MELINDA: Sure. (Not convincingly. She's really cute.) SARAHK: I love her. And she didn't smile through the pain this week.

Antonella is singing Celine after the break. I have no faith that she can do it. Sorry.

05... Antonella is wearing an interesting dress, but I think I actually love this dress. She dedicates to her brother. And she put that beautiful hair back down. She looks great. She's singing "Because You Loved Me". Pitchy at the beginning. I do not like the arrangement. It confused me and made me think she forgot the words until I figured out that it was just an awful arrangement. It did not work for me. Sad Tivo note: Right at the the one spot where she could shine during the song, we had a DVR glitch, and I could see her sing but not hear her. So I have no idea if that went well. Eh, she has a pretty voice, but she's just not up to caliber with a lot of the other girls here, and she shouldn't have gone for a huge Celine song. However, she was improved a bit from last week, just because I don't think it could be any worse than last week. But she might get to stick around, because she didn't completely botch the song, unless she did so during my Tivo glitch. RANDY: Dude, it was pitchy all over the place. The song was too big for you. But you look good. SARAHK: You know you're in trouble when it's not even Paula that goes to the look factor. PAULA: Not even 1% of America can sing like Celine. THE COLLECTIVE: Whew! SARAHK: Y'all shut up, I love Celine! She's just a little koo-koo. But her voice is awesome, so I say again, shut up. PAULA: It was much better than last week, so rah rah, sis boom bah. SIMON: Wrong song, and I thought it was worse than last week. ANTONELLA THE STUPID: I'm going to take Paula's criticism, because Simon was wrong about Jennifer Hudson, so he can be wrong about me. SARAHK: What an idiot. He is going to eat her alive. SIMON: Let me be clear. I did not kick Jennifer Hudson off of American Idol. We three put her on the show, and America did not vote for her. If America disagrees with me, they'll keep you around another week. SARAHK: She's no Jennifer Hudson. And I voted for her. RYAN: I don't know if we have a break scheduled, but we need one. SARAHK: Yes, someone needs a reprimand.

06... Jordin dedicates all the love in her heart to her younger brother. She's singing Christina's "Reflection" from Mulan. She looks gorgeous in that turquouise color. And aww, she read what I wrote about her last week and paying attention to her lyrics! Good girl. The vocal was rough in spots, off-key several places, but in other places it was outstanding. So I'll say it was inconsistently grand? She seemed nervous and really emotional, and oh no, she's crying when she's done. Get me a box of tissues and a Nicholas Sparks book, will you? *sniff* She's crying almost as much as I did Monday after I nearly got flattened by a semi on the highway. Seriously, sweetie, perspective. Near-death v. singing a cartoon movie song. *sniff* again. RANDY: Not the best you've done, but still really good. PAULA: You're infectious. I have the Jordin Infection. Now will you get me a vodka, love? I'm out. You're gonna be in this competition for a long time. Now the vodka? SIMON: Not your best, but you're 17, you have massive potential, but I think the dedications are getting to you. RYAN: She's irresistible. SARAHK: For men who like girls. Wink wink. That is so RUDE, SarahK. Oh, you know I love you, Ryan. It's all in love. It was inconsistently grand. Now go wipe your nose and watch a chick flick. Get it out of your system before next week, for the love of pete.

Oh yay! Kellie Pickler will be on the results show tomorrow night! The good thing is, if she sings, it will make all the losers going home sound great. If she doesn't sing, it will be fine, because she has that cute fake personality. I love her act, it's cute.

07... Stephanie Edwards is singing "Dangerously in Love" by Beyonce. Finally, something new! The good thing is, I've never heard the original. She looks gorgeous in a long white dress with metallic accents, nice earrings. Thankfully no Beyonce clothing, because most of Beyonce's clothing choices are unfortunate. I don't particularly enjoy this kind of music, but she is singing her pinkytoe off, and I think she's remarkable. I'll have to go back and rewatch to see who is best between her and Melinda when I do my recap, because she is throwing down tonight, just like she did last week. There's one note with all the excessive trilling that she kind of botches, but it's almost not noticeable, and she redeems herself quickly and has a fantastical ending. If you like that kind of music. I don't, but I'll live through it. RANDY: You look hot, you sang your face off. Don't be so Beyonce. I mean, I love her, but do your own thing. That was so much better than last week. SARAHK: She was excellent last week. RANDY: I mean, and you were great last week. SARAHK: He keeps saying that to the ladies tonight. I think he's drinking the Paula juice tonight and keeps forgetting that the girls were pretty good last week, and he's just using the standard comments that he used for the guys last night because he stayed out too late partying or something and didn't have time to come up with a new script for tonight. PAULA: I disagree with you. You were fantastic, brilliant. So many people will be in love with you, just like Beyonce. SIMON: I agree with Paula. You're not just taking part, it was terrific. RYAN: What's wrong with Beyonce? RANDY: Nothing. I love her, NAME DROP. (Paula and Simon go to sleep.) Blah blah blah. SARAHK: I'M BORED, let's move on. She was great.

08... Leslie Hunt is singing Nina Simone, dedicated to her dead Grampa. She's very bohemianly attired, which probably suits her more than the oversized boots she wore last week. She tells Ryan she's going to dance around on the stage less tonight. That's good, because I don't think The Spastic is going to be the next big thing to catch on with the kids. Oh, she's singing that "Feeling Good" song that AJ sang last night. Well, I'm embarrassed to say that I never heard it before last night if it's a Nina Simone song. Y'all may berate me accordingly for that in the comments. I deserve it.

Here are Leslie's problems: 1) She has a much smaller voice than a lot of the other girls up there, no doubt. That will hurt her, because with all the girls in the competition right now, she will need a big voice to make a big enough impression to make the top six. I don't think she'll make the top six. 2) Her hair doesn't help. Sorry, it's fine for an everyday person, but it's pencil straight. That doesn't work for someone trying to make the most lasting impression, or for a celebrity for that matter (I'm looking at you, Queen Gwyneth). It's coming off as mousy and in need of a deep conditioning. Two words (maggie katzen will disagree wholeheartedly here, but she starts with curly hair, so don't listen to her): Garnier Fructis. 3) She really just looks so stinking uncomfortable onstage. I'm the same way, so I can relate. It's mostly her shoulders. She moves her shoulders like she's trying to conspicuously hint that she really needs a shoulder rub. There's no fluidity in her body movements at all. 4) I don't want to say this. She's what, 24? She looks 35. So an old fogey like me won't discard her for that, but the junior high and high school crowd are going to completely ignore her, because she, like, looks as old as their Aunt Jennifer (yes, the 35 year-olds are named Jennifer now. That makes me feel ancient.)! And I know that is so wrong, but that's how it is.

You can see her bra right through the back of her shirt. I mean the shape of the bra. She sings the song fine, and she's better than last week, or at least she must be, because all I can remember about last week is that she wore those awful boots. No wait, I remember what she sang, and yes, this is better. Nothing exciting for me. And she's scatting at the end, and the scatting is ok, but not fantastic, and not as good as Blake's scatting from last night, though her song choice is much better than the atrocity he picked. RANDY: Glad you did jazz, dawg. Pitchy. Just a'ight, but I love the a capella beginning. SARAHK: A capella means no instruments. There were strings lightly hanging out in the background. But who am I to correct someone who has worked with Beyonce? PAULA: You're being you. SIMON: The scatting sounds like Paula talking. I'm kidding. Your problem is the big voices that came before you. Better than last week, but not many people are going to remember you. PAULA: She's a different ice cream flavor! SIMON: Four raspberry ripples tonight, she's a vanilla. SARAHK: I've never had raspberry ripple. Is that good? It sounds yummy. RYAN: Simon is a sorbet. SARAHK: Can we finish with the ice cream analogies and return to where this was a singing competition?

09... Haley Scarnato. Can we skip to the end? Whoops, did I let out that she's not my favorite? Everything about her seems like an airbrushed cheerleader, and she does not do anything for me when she's singing, so I am ready for this to be over. Especially knowing that she's doing Whitney. Brace yourselves. She's dedicating to her most wonderful fiance. Haha, she's singing "Queen of the Night". No, I'm serious, y'all. And she keeps raising her arms so we can check out her armpits. How many armpit views do we need? And she does this thing where she gives the camera a high five all the time. RANDY: Wasn't great for me, dawg. Vocally not on point. Is better than last week. SARAHK: That's like saying Paula is more coherent than she was on that Seattle morning show. PAULA: Sooo much better than last week. SIMON: A for effort, you really tried. But if you take on a Whitney song, you do it at your peril. You're one of two or three very vulnerable girls tonight. SARAHK: I agree. Before I ever knew what she was singing, I had her pegged as going home. I'll let you know after I do my lineup. It was loud and dancy with not a lot of singy. Stop crying. Ask Jordin if you can borrow a tissue.

10... Sabrina Sloan. She dedicates to her Grama. She is singing "All the Man I Need". She's kind of a nasally singer, isn't she? She's doing her own thing with the song, and that makes me happy, because with a Whitney song, that's the only way you can survive on this show. I think the end is great. She's a little screechy right before the end, but the end is good. I think she was a little better last week, but still great this week. RANDY: Lost touch with the pitch in a couple of spots, that's my new way of saying pitchy, dawg. But very nice overall. Big song. Big voice. PAULA: You showed your voice last week. Dolphin clap! Bravo! SIMON: I don't like the song choice. I preferred you last week. Don't confuse shouting with power. She's a great singer, but I wasn't jumping out my chair this week. But you'll be back next week. SARAHK: Yes, don't screech and yell, but I liked what you did with the song when you made it your own, dawg. I like her pretty well. Oh, and lose some of the nasal bit, would you? I just noticed that and it bothers me.

My order tonight:

04 Melinda Doolittle*
07 Stephanie Edwards*
10 Sabrina Sloan*
03 LaKisha Jones* - she was really boring. really.
06 Jordin Sparks*
01 Gina Glocksen*
08 Leslie Hunt
05 Antonella Barba
09 Haley Scarnato
02 Alaina Alexander

Ok, so to the predictions. I'm so nervous, seeing how I'm 4 for 4 this season. Thank you, thank you. Don't applaud. Just throw money. Anyway. On the girl side... I think Antonella sticks it out this week. I'm sorry, but she's like Sanjaya with that crazy inexplicable fanbase. And she's gotten a ton of extra publicity this week, so... she'll stay in one more week. But if she makes it to the top 12, that's just wrong. I think Alaina had a shot to pull herself up and skate past Antonella, Haley, and Leslie, but she blew it. Not only did she botch the song she sang, she picked a song that will tick off a lot of people, and they'll just roll their eyes and say no thanks. So I think she's out for sure. And it's not because America is trying to silence the Dixie Chicks, the bunch of evil fascists that we are. It's because we get to make our choices, too. You choose a polarizing song and sing it poorly? Not doing yourself any favors, love. Leslie or Haley... well... Haley is annoying and a bit on the phony side, plus those of us who can sing are kind of wondering how she made the top 24. She badly covered Celine Dion, then picked the Whitney song she would most likely be covered by background vocals in... is the rest of America as tired of her as I am? But the worst part? The hi-fives to the camera and the armpit stares. That's why I think she'll go home, and Leslie will stick it out one more week.

On the guy side. I wrote this yesterday in the comments: i'm sorry to tell you, there's no way that Sanjaya is leaving this week. last week, they said he was in the top 4 of the guys. the top 4! i had him around #7 after he sang a wretched rendition of a Stevie Wonder song. this kid has an inexplicable fan base. the girls (or boys) must love the hair. i think he will stay around. maybe he's this season's Jasmine.

he was by far the worst of the guys. by a mile, in my opinion. there was nothing wrong with his voice. and at a concert, a long concert, maybe this is the understated number you do sitting on the piano while everyone goes and gets a drink or uses the portapotty. maybe i listen to it on my ipod while doing my running cooldown or some relaxation exercises. i don't want to hear it on the radio driving down the road. i'll fall asleep.

then there's his personality. performing, not performing. he's 17, so he needs a ton of work. he's like Al Gore on Valium, that's how little he moves around. he's so stiff.

no, i think Jared is a definite for going home. he made a big mistake picking that creepy song this week. the other one is either going to be Nick or Brandon. i think AJ sticks around another week because he surprised even me enough to vote for him. i tried to vote and the line was busy.

hmm, Nick or Brandon... i'm going with Nick.

so i predict that Jared and Nick, Haley and Alaina go home.

Ryan asks Sundance what he heard over the weekend. Sundance said that people told him not to be so crappy. LOL. Yes, you listened to us!

02... Jared Cotter is doing Marvin Gaye. Prepare for suckitude, world. Simon told him to be more adventurous, so he's doing Marvin Gaye!! Come ON, what you should do is read my last few years' stuff. Marvin Gaye does not work with the majority of voters on this show. No no no no no. He's for real singing "Let's Get It On". I'm out. Knowing that you have all these five, ten, fifteen, sixty, and eighty year-old women watching you, you choose this song. You're so stupid. Not to mention that it's nothing I haven't heard before from my husband. ;-) I have to tell you. I think he went for steamy. I felt like an oversized kid was up there trying to show off for the kids on the playground. And the voice was fine, pitchy occasionally, screechy at times, but it didn't stand out in a good way. I've heard better than that from the songleaders at church. Singing hymns. That don't make me want to shower afterwards. And I don't mean shower because I got all hot and bothered. I mean because I feel like you spat on me during your antics. What was with rubbing on your face? Did you have something on it? Next, please. Randy liked the voice and loved the face thing. Paula thought the face thing was good on Jared but he pushed it too much. Simon thought it was corny in parts and would have been the cabaret singer on the Love Boat. Jared retorts with, "That would have been a great Love Boat." No, Jared, I would have gotten off at the first port of call. Ryan doesn't know where to start but starts here:

RYAN: And the things we've all done to that song. Man! The memories!
SARAHK: Yeah. Not very convincing, Ryan.
FRANK J.: Oh, like Ryan couldn't have any woman he wanted... if he wanted a woman.

Ryan actually asks Jared to do the face thing again. Mmmhmm, Ryan.

Oh wait! I forgot to watch his inspirational video. Tivo! He's dedicating to his mom and dad. Mom made him audition. Dad made him listen to Stevie Wonder and Donnie Hathaway. Ok, nothing changed my mind about whether I loved that song. I did not.

03... AJ Tabaldo is next, and he's dedicating to his mom and dad. Because they love him and stuff. He looks good, is dressed sharply. Jeans, 3/4 sleeve shirt (I forgive him, because it's not pink, it's a nice manly green), black vest. I can understand his words at the beginning of the song, he's starting off very slowly with limited band music. This is a song I've never heard, called "Feeling Good". It's been done by apparently everyone recently. Muse, Pussycat Dolls, Michael Buble. He is singing this really well, and I'm in shock. He's singing in English! I could do without the gayish hand movements, but he sings so well tonight that I just don't care. I take back everything I said about him last week. Doggone, who am I going to pick on for the rest of the night? Who will my standard joke fallback be? Not AJ. I will not pick on him for the rest of the night. Randy liked it. Paula says he has a great great voice, rah! rah!, Simon is surprised by him (I know, right?) and says he looked strangely comfortable and was almost very very good. AJ says he took their constructive criticism and went way out of his R&B comfort zone to do the song. Might I vote for him? Take a deep breath, SarahK. I might.

04... Sanjaya is dedicating to his dead grandpa. Not his sister, who got cut earlier in the season. He's wearing slacks, a maroon shirt, a top hat. His hair is in a ponytail. He's singing "Steppin' Out with My Baby", a standard by Irving Berlin. It's so quiet. The entire song is boring. Even the end when he tries to put the big finish on it is a bore. He's wooden onstage. At the end he smiles huge at the judges, because he knows how bad it was. Randy says it was a bad talent show. Paula says at least it wasn't pitchy, but hey, maybe you should sing younger songs. Simon pushes her to finish more quickly. Simon says it was like after lunch where the parents ask the kids to dress up and sing. Very weak, a little weird, and somewhat whispered. Paula wants to know why he did the song. Sanjaya says he wanted to celebrate the great heroes of music, the classics. Dude, wait for Tony Bennet.

So far, AJ is the best.

05... Chris Sligh is next, and he tells Ryan that the secret to the volume of his hair is as much conditioner as possible. And his dedication is to his wife Sarah. What is it with geeky, funny guys getting super-hot wives named Sarah? Wow, look at her! And his dedication video is wonderful. He is so sweet about his wife! Phil, take notice. And he is singing "Trouble" by Ray LaMontagne, which Taylor did last year, if I'm not mistaken. And this is good. This is really good. I'm just smiling with teeth the whole time. I'm going to rewind and listen a second time. It's that good. I love that he wears Converse with his baggy suits. It's great on the rewind, too. Randy says he's even better than last week, and good song choice. Paula says yes, good, and good wife dedication. You're awesome, but watch your pitch and getting ahead of the song. I didn't hear that tonight. Simon says he is a really good singer tonight. He was a little worried about him dedicating a song called "Trouble" to his wife, but the lyric made sense. Chris says he has been saved by a woman. Awww. Yay for Chris! First place! Oh. I suppose I should listen to the other five first. Whatever. Ryan says Chris gets a free pass for a while out of the doghouse.

06... Nick Pedro dedicates to his girlfriend. He's singing "Fever". No, really. What a horrible song choice. No he is not doing the hip-hop hand moves for this. Huh. I'm baffled by the song choice. The tone quality was good, the song choice was awful, the hand jive was hideous, he rushed ahead of the band, and it was boring. Ugh. I didn't love Nick tonight. I love the "Vote for Pedro" gimmick, but I don't love Nick tonight.

07... Blake Lewis dedicates to his parents. His dad is a hard worker, and his mom is talented in the music department. Oh yes. Dad is the one with the funny rhythm. And Blake is... NO. NO. NO. He is singing a song called "Virtual Insanity" by Jamiroquai. It's about life in the digital age. NO. NO. NO. He is singing a song about life in the digital age and how insane it is. I love the scatting. In the beginning he sounds very Maroon 5 to me, and I love Maroon 5. In the middle, I love the scatting. Did I mention the scatting? Jason Mraz is another scatter I love. Whoa whoa whoa, what happened there at the end with the pitchiness, dawg? The falsetto is good. But come on, please. Virtual insanity. These have got to be the corniest song lyrics since "Digital Getdown" by 'NSYNC. And we've had "Don't Cha" since then. So you see the gravity of the situation. I'm sorry, Blake, I can't get past the horrid lyrics. Dude, I'm typing right now, and when I click "Save", what I just typed will be out there on the interwebs. That's so insane in this digital age! Awful. But I did love the scatting. I hope enough of the teeny-boppers don't care about corniness and vote to keep you around, because you're one of my favorites. Randy says that's what he's talking about, baby! Paula ya ya ya! Simon disagrees and says exactly what I said with a few added details: the beginning was a copycat of the original, the scatting was good and original, and the end was pitchy. You were better last week. SarahK: except the scatting. I like the addition of the scatting. Other than that, you were better last week.

Speaking of Mr. A to Z, Chris Richardson just told Seacrest that he will be singing "Geek in the Pink" in a bit. Yes! That will be pure joy for me if he doesn't screw it up. It's on my iPod, in my "running" playlist.

08... Brandon Rogers dedicates "Time After Time" to his dead grandmother. He's wearing a pink shirt. His voice is shaky at first. He's behind the music the whole time, like every single line, he's trying to remember the words. I thought it was really boring. And honestly, I sang "Time After Time" on our karaoke game this weekend to see if I could get a perfect score, 50K points, and yes, I did, and I think I did better on it. It was so over-thought-out, if that makes sense. Really, y'all, I just can't wait to get to "Geek in the Pink". Seriously, if he pulls that off? Anyway, this didn't do it for me. Randy thinks it's great that he dedicated it to his Grams, but it was boring. Brandon says, but I was really trying to put my heart into it so I didn't think it needed extra. Paula says he didn't need to oversing, and no one knows how it feels to dedicate it to the Grama. Simon rolls his eyes and says let's take it back to a singing competition and forget all the rubbish about your dedication. Simon says you have to get past the "I'm feeling it" nonsense and show that you are a good singer, which you are. Brandon tells everyone it's his dad's birthday, and he feels great about singing the song. Simon says, btw, it's my mum's birthday in November. Oh, and I love puppies. LOL. Randy admits to liking dogs. Poor Brandon, but he totally walked into that.

09... Chris Richardson is dedicating to his Grama, his "Big Mama". Um, have you read "Geek in the Pink" lyrics? Do you know what you will be singing to dear old Gram? Just saying, that's not a song to dedicate to your Grama. It's got some grexual overtones. This performance is great. I would have said excellent except that he had a hard time keeping the microphone to his mouth so we could hear him. His singing was a cross between Mr. A to Z and Justin Timberlake. Dancing and aftershocks (that's the body movements after the song is over) were very JT. But the microphone technique was very RightWingDuck during the hiatused IMAO Podcast. Y'all don't know what I go through to make it so y'all can hear him. ;-D Randy says it was better than Jason Mraz himself, and that is absolute blasphemy. Someone tie him to a stake and set him on fire for me, would you? Not really, ok? If Randy is set on fire soon, please take note that I withdrew my request, so don't look at me. Paula says it was a funny song for dedicating to your Grama. Oh no! Did someone replace my Dasani with vodka tonight? Because she and I never speak the same language. Nope, that is definitely water in my Dasani bottle. Simon says he's somebody to watch, and he's the best tonight by a mile. I don't know, I'd like to hear Chris Sligh again to compare.

10... Sundance dedicates this to his son Levi, who's 3.5 months old. When he auditioned, his wife was pregnant, and he misses being away from his family. Levi's already smiling, and Sundance had to miss that because he's off at American Idol. BUT. He dedicated his video to his son, and he, as far as we know, was around when the little tyke was born.

(Aren't y'all glad I'm directing all my venom toward a male this year so that y'all can't automatically assume that it's envy? It makes it so much more confusing for you, doesn't it? And no, before you ask, I've never had a baby, and I've never had a husband miss the birth of my baby. And my dad was present at my birth, or at least that's what my mom tells me. I think I've seen pictures. I just think it's wrong. There were eight audition cities, and the price of airfare isn't much more expensive to other cities than to Birmingham from Jacksonville. He could have found another way. I mean, you can fly round trip to New York from Melbourne for pretty cheap, so he could have done a little research and found another way. Until I hear something like he was in Iraq fighting at all the other audition times (or, you know, on a submarine or ship in the middle of an ocean), and Birmingham was the only city that wasn't during a time when he was fighting for my freedom, "he's a pale-faced, mealy-mouthed ninny, and I hate him!")

Anyway, to Sundance. This performance is a 180 from where he was last week. Ok, I'll go with 160. I don't want to go crazy, because it's a fast and wild song, and I've heard karaoke bars go wild at this song, so I'll hopefully say he's 100% improved. He's doing "Mustang Sally", which is right up his alley. No rhyme intended. It's lively, soulful, fun, and vocal. He uses a lot of range during this performance, tricks up the song a lot, and I'm very pleased. I had started to wonder whether his audition was a fluke. Randy says what a difference a week makes. Welcome back, you dropped the bomb. Sundance thanks America for keeping him around one more week. Paula gives a standing ovation seal clap and says he has such an awesome range and thinks it's the best vocal he's ever done. Simon says yes, he's back, but let's not get carried away (he's so smart). It's a very popular song with everyone up on their feet, so I still think you can do better. Then Ryan says he thinks Sundance has been away from Levi longer than he thinks and shows him a photoshopped picture of Levi with Sundance's goatee. It's cute, Simon winks, and then, I'm not kidding, Ryan reaches out and fondles Sundance's goatee and comments on it being hard. Sundance shares the secret of hairspray, and I'm too scarred to continue.

Ok, the order tonight, my intense dislike for Phil notwithstanding (*s get votes):

05... Chris Sligh*
09... Chris Richardson*
10... Sundance Head*
03... AJ Tabaldo* - yes! ok! he's off my snarkdar!
07... Blake Lewis* - ok, i guess i'm a teeny-bopper, because i want him to stick around.but he does not deserve my vote tonight.
WH... Phil Stacey
08... Brandon Rogers
06... Nick Pedro
02... Jared Cotter
04... Sanjaya Malakar

Gwen Stefani. It would be worth keeping A.J. around just to hear him sing "Hollaback Girl". I'm concerned about that night and what it might bring. Gwen Stefani is a rocker and a character, a full package, and I think without her whole package, the songs aren't really good enough to stand alone. I hope I'm wrong, but I... hmm. I see a steam train rolling onto the stage that night. I anxiously await it with glee.

Tony Bennett. You know I love me crooners. And I love/hate standards night on American Idol. It's deliciously awful for the people who can't sing (they get exposed -- ahem, Kellie Pickler) and a lovely showcase for the people who can.

Martina McBride. Eeeee! I say eeee, but there are actually very few Martina McBride songs that I can see blowing the voters away and really being vote-worthy. She has a lot of ballads that won't scream "vote for me!" So the contestants are going to have to get creative and insert themselves, do their own thang, dawg. Very few of the contestants can do "Independence Day" and get away with it, because it was Carrie Underwood's signature just two seasons ago, so they'll have to do it so much better in order to not be compared to her. Other than that, there's "Broken Wing"; someone should scoop that one up quickly, because if you do that one right, it's the automatic winner. The guys have the advantage of the night, because the girls will be compared to the original, while the guys can basically do the song closer to as-is without coming under too much fire from the judges. She has a huge body of work, so the contestants should start looking through her songlist now. And so help me pete, if anyone sings that horrible song about God-fearing women who don't want to stir the gravy anymore and decide to quit the Baptist choir and their marriages to become whores, I will shred someone's vocal chords with my own fingernails. I'll do it, don't make me come out there to Hollywood, peeps! It will be an interesting night.

Lulu and Peter Noone from Herman's Hermits on British Invasion 60s night. 60s night. I could cry.

Barry Gibb from The BeeGees. I cheered at this one. Cheered. I loooove the BeeGees.

"Sowing the Seeds of Love". Ahahahahaha. The snaps are killing me.

I hate the V-cast commercials. If I was sitting on a plane, and a random stranger asked if he could check out my V-cast, I would say no. Nobody else is putting my very own earbuds inside their ears. Maybe Frank. Maybe my sister or my mom. That's about my limit. So disgusting.

Ryan asks Chris Sligh if he's nervous, and Chris is nervous that America took the banter with Simon the wrong way. America, Chris loves Simon. Simon likes Chris, because Chris loves Simon.

Foot Fungus Freak Paul Kim wore shoes for getting kicked off and also for "Sowing the Seeds of Love". I betcha the producers demanded it and Lysoled the stage. He does not take my advice and still does the gansta hip-hop dance while singing about his guilty, stinky, neckid athlete's feet.

Amy Krebs is the first girl to get the ax, and Ryan decides he hates her, so he asks Simon to give her words of wisdom. "You're not a standout" or something like that. Oops, should have asked Paula for a rah-rah speech.

Fantasia comes out to sing, and the singing is good, but her dress is way too tight. I don't mean just immodestly tight (if I wanted to talk about modesty, I could go on about other aspects of the dress). I mean that dress is painted into her. Not onto her. Into. Come on, you're like super-rich now. You can't find a dress that fits? Or a stylist? Fantasia, I voted for you many times! Don't embarrass me by not knowing that you're a size 6 and not a 4. And 6 is awesome. Don't try to squeeze into a 4 just because that's what you wore in high school. Remember you've had a baby since high school. No wait, you had the baby in high school. Ok, so you should be used to the 6 by now. Face the facts. I do love you, so I come in peace.

Second boy to get the boot is Rudy Cardenas, because he no sing English. He speaks English just fine, but when he starts singing, he just garbles all the words, so I happily say goodbye.

Second girl to go is Nicole Tranquillo, and the second time she sings, I'm doing that cringing thing I did the first time I heard her sing. What is that? How did she get through to the top 24? I don't get that. Not at all.

Ok, now we watch tonight's episode. Just remember, I'm 100% on my predictions so far. I'm awesome.

This won't make any sense until Sarah blogs about it, but I'm not averse to sowing confusion in the imao readership.

This week, we'll be buying a new umbrella - not because we lost the old one, but because it actually wore out from constant use - as we visit Washington. So let's get started...

Washington became the 42nd state on November 11, 1889. The state's name was chosen as a long-overdue honor to America's first President... and because "wood-toothed wig-wearer" sounded a bit clunky as a state name.

Seattle is home to the world's first revolving restaurant, "The Top of the Needle", completed in 1961. Victims of a recent salmonella outbreak at the restaurant were buried in the nearby revolving cemetery "The Bottom of the Gravel Pit".

Washington's license plate has black lettering over a light blue mountain design, and features the state motto, "First 5000 tourists receive a free umbrella!".

Washington produces more apples than any other state in the nation. For some reason, Bill Gates gets twitchy when you say that in front of him.

Starbucks Coffee was founded in Seattle, Washington, in 1987. It saved the Filthy Hippie Protester industry from bankruptcy by giving it a target for it's senseless anger during the debilitating peace between the two Gulf Wars.

Washington has more glaciers than all the other 47 contiguous states combined. This tends to scare tourists away from the state, since everyone knows that if a glacier bites you, you'll slowly go insane with global warming paranoia. If you don't believe me, check Al Gore's neck for bite marks sometime.

Washington's capitol building was the last state capitol to be built with a rotunda. State capitol buildings constructed since then have used more modern architectural features, like cantilevered ceilings and indoor water slides.

Everett, Washington is home to the world's largest building - Boeing's final assembly plant. It encloses nearly 500 million cubic feet - enough to hold every Muslim terrorist in the world... if you chopped them into little pieces first... which, frankly, I don't have a problem with.

Medina, Washington is the home of Microsoft founder and multi-billionaire Bill Gates. Who just happens to own a blender big enough to chop every Muslim terrorist in the world into little pieces.

Software giant Microsoft is headquartered in Redmond, Washington. An aerial view of the corporate campus shows that the buildings are colored and arranged to form the world's largest Blue Screen of Death.

The state flag of Washington has a green background behind a picture of George Washington holding a cup of half-caf-double-shot-extra-foam-vanilla-soy cappuccino.

King County - Washington's largest county - was originally named in 1852 after William Rufus King, vice president under president Franklin Pierce. In 1986 it was "re-named" in honor of Dr. Martin Luther King. Between those times it may also have been named in honor of Stephen King, Rodney King, Billie Jean King, and possibly even Sgt. Preston's dog, for all we know.

The state flower of Washington is mildew.

Washington was the birthplace of both Jimi Hendrix (Seattle) and Bing Crosby (Tacoma). Although representing vastly different music styles, they DID collaborate to record the holiday classic, "Purple Christmas".

The oldest continually operating gas station in the US is located in Zillah, Washington. It hasn't changed much since it opened in 1873, and still accepts payments by either cash, check, or beaver pelt.

The world's first soft-serve ice cream machine is located in an Olympia, Washington Dairy Queen. It was installed in 1940 as a way to cater to a growing demand for something cold, bland, and containing more air than actual substance. Much the same desire that drives Hillary's 2008 presidential campaign today.

Residents of Washington are properly referred to as "Washingtonians", despite the widespread use of the less-favored term, "Starbucks-swilling Nirvana-moshers".

Washington is home to the only rainforests in the US. Sadly, these rainforests contain nothing but wet trees, and don't meet the minimum requirements for malaria and naked savages that would make environmentalists give a crap about them.

Europeans first landed in Washington when the Spanish ship Santiago visited briefly in 1775. The captain's log entry that day consisted only of the terse and cryptic phrase, "Smells like teen spirit".

Lewis & Clark visited Washington 30 years later in 1805. Their report was, "Smells like mid-life crisis".

Tumwater, Washington was the state's first colonial settlement. It was founded by Canadians seeking the religious freedom to worship coffee and donuts, which was forbidden by Canada's repressive Tea & Crumpetist regime.

Washington is home to such internet giants as Amazon.com, Classmates.com, and Whitepages.com, which explains why the state song is "DAMMIT! ANOTHER POP-UP!"

In the early 1900's, Aberdeen, Washington was known as "the roughest town west of the Mississippi", as it was a haven for violence, saloons, whorehouses, and gambling establishments. It was also rated the #1 tourist destination for both sailors and the Irish.

The Grand Coulee Dam on Washington's Columbia river is the largest concrete structure ever built. It contains over 12 million cubic yards of concrete - nearly enough to build a life-size statue of Ted Kennedy's drinking problem.

In 1980, Washington's Mount St. Helens volcano erupted with such violence that the top 1600 feet of the mountain were completely blown away. The sudden, cataclysmic destruction of over $1 billion in economic resources was rumored to have given Bill Gates the idea for Microsoft Windows.

Washington has a higher percentage of non-religious people than any other state, which is why so many cars there have window signs saying "Blasphemer On Board".

Washington ranks first in the nation in the production of apples, cherries, pears, and grapes, earning it the nickname of "America's Fruit Basket". The city of San Francisco has the same nickname, although for an entirely different reason.

Pictionary was invented by Ron Angel of Seattle, Washington, in 1986. According to numerous scientific studies, the game is responsible for more bad art than Picasso, Jackson Pollock, and the National Endowment for the Arts combined.

The state marine mammal of Washington is the Orca. Although some small-minded, bigoted racists refer to them as "killer whales", the term is more properly translated as "whales of peace".

The fact that they frequently kidnap and behead seals in the name of their God, Poseidon, is no excuse for not respecting their cultural differences.

Maybe those seals should ask themselves why the orcas hate them.

Actor Adam West - who played Batman in the 1960's TV series - was born in Walla Walla, Washington, in 1928. He's been quoted as saying that his least favorite part about playing the Caped Crusader was "Batpole burn".

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That wraps up the Washington edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be doing genealogy research as we travel through the gene puddle of West Virginia.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go book my vacation to Aberdeen.

"Rabbits THIS big."

Well, that and the truth.

IDOLS 02... Amy Krebs is next up in a hideous early '90s pattern dress that's a little too big for her. She sings "I Can't Make You Love Me". That is true. You also can't make me wake up. Unexciting. Safe. I like her hair, though. That's something. Randy says she should have been soulful, but she went safe. Paula says yes. Randy says she's better than that. Simon says she's forgettable and has the personality of a candle. Amy says yes sir, Simon, and it's all he can do to keep from rolling his eyes. He tells her everything about her right now, including the dress and the hair, are forgettable.

IDOLS 03... Leslie Hunt is next, and I read today or yesterday that she has the Lupus, so we're supposed to feel sorry for her and vote accordingly. No, I promise to make fun of her shortcomings just like I do with the other contestants, Lupus notwithstanding. I didn't hold back on Elliott last year because of his diabetes (of course, I really liked him, but when he was bad I said so), and I didn't hold back on Kellie Pickler because of her cognitive disability. In fact, I made fun of that, worked it into my schtick. Leslie looks much older than 24. Y'all check her ID. Anyway, her dress is ok, nothing offensive, a little nondescript. The boots don't work with the dress. She's singing "(You Make Me Feel Like A) Natural Woman". Y'all remind me to make fun of that song title someday. Anyway, I hope that spastic stage dancing isn't related to the Lupus, because I need to make fun of that and don't want to feel sorry for her about it instead. That's some bad dancing. The singing is fine, and she's really trying, but she's not blowing me away. But she's not trying to be safe, so I appreciate that. Randy says Dawg, you're no Aretha. Well, neither are you, Dawg! Paula says she did great. Simon says nuh-uh. He says it was ok, but she's a dog walker and she was out of her element, and Ryan says he actually knows what Simon is saying. Yes, Ryan, that you're his... coworker.

IDOLS 04... Sabrina Sloan is up next, looking cute and almost modest in a white see-thru long blouse (it had potential to be cute) and jeans. And very uncomfortable shoes. She's singing "I Never Loved a Man". The ladies love Aretha tonight. She's fantastic. Everything about her. The voice, the song, the stage presence. Randy loves her, Paula loves vodka and standing ovations, and Simon loves himself and self-adulates over his previous comments. How he is so right to say that the ordinary performances are just not good enough, because someone like Sabrina comes on and proves what Idol is all about. Simon says she's the best yet. SarahK agrees. Sabrina smiles. Hey, that was a movie back when I was five! I loved that movie! No wait. It was Savannah Smiles. I loved that movie, but now it's not as exciting. Ryan asks why no ballad? Sabrina says she actually watches the show and wants to win. Vote for her for sure.

IDOLS 05... Antonella Barba, the BFF whose BFF got cut from the show. Because God likes good people. But apparently, Antonella let Amanda pick her song for her, because Antonella (I'm guessing the parents really wanted a boy and wanted to name her after the father Anthony, right?) is singing "Don't Wanna Miss a Thing" by Aerosmith. As soon as I heard the opening notes... sigh. So let's talk about the look. I hate those shirts that have little short sleeves but the shoulders cut out. What IS that? You don't want people to see your dandruff, so you cut out the dandruff's landing pad? I don't get it. She's pretty in red, but huh. Jeans, red heels. I'm not pleased with the hair. She has this gorgeous long brown hair, and she pulled it back in a boring ponytail. Why, to show off those big hoop earrings? They're plain. Ok, the song. Pitch problems galore. I thought she might do something good with it when she stepped off that urinal chair she was sitting on, but no. Then at the end, when the song gets really huge, she just took it down a hundred notches for the teeny ending. It didn't work. Randy is displeased. Paula breaks out the beautiful card, which means that it tanked, and Simon says the song was way too big for her, but the good news is she's attractive. Yes, Simon, but she hid the hair to show off the earrings! Wow, I have the DVR paused on her face right after Simon's harsh judging, and she is gorgeous. I'm not kidding, she could be a Max Factor model. Why does that makeup brand pop into my head? Look at her bone structure, nice unobtrusive (inobtrusive?) ears. Very pretty. Simon says she might go home. Anthony Jr.'s mom's eyes are huge at that remark. Jr. asks what she can do better, and Simon tells her to sing pop. Ryan says, did you realize that song was a risk? Anthony Jr. says, yes but I figured it was a risk worth taking. Simon says, It would be like Ryan doing the news, and Jr. does not hide that she thinks that's funny. Ryan graciously says she was better than that.

Before the break, Ryan says that Jordin Sparks is singing Tracey Chapman next. My automatic blind prediction is that Jordin Sparks is the first Wednesday night casualty. She's going home.

IDOLS 06... Jordin Sparks really for real is singing Tracy Chapman's "Gimme One Reason" on AI. I've decided to be annoyed with that until she makes me forget to be annoyed by completely ticking me off. Ok, um, remember when I challened Triple F on his hip-hop thing for "I'm never gonna dance again..."? A'ight. Listen up, sweetums, because you're only seventeen and have likely never had a bad breakup, and you don't know what this song is about. She's walking out on him, breaking up, walking out of his life, but she doesn't want to go. "Give me one reason to stay, and I'll turn right back around...This youthful heart can love you and give you what you need... " and you are up there running around the stage, parading, smiling and hooraying and soooo excited to be leaving this guy! But in the song, she is telling him, come on, just give me one reason to stay. I will do it, you can see me already turning around, just give me the word, gimme one good reason. You got it all wrong. Sounded great, but you performed it wrong. Dead wrong. Randy, who professes to know about music and be a musician, is not offended by her complete ignorance of the lyrics. Paula loves that she had fun with the song. I don't remember what Simon said.

07... Nicole Tranquillo is yelling a lot. Her black and silver top is pretty, but her black jeans look badly faded, and not stylishly. What did she sing? "Let's Stay Together". Wow, that's really that song? Supposedly, according to Randy, kind of a mix of the Chaka Khan and Erica Badu versions? Well. A lot of yelling, not much good. But I did enjoy watching her dad try to keep rhythm. Poor guy. He just did not get the rhythm gene. Anyway, I did not love her. Randy says it's the wrong kind of song for her. Paula says she doesn't know how many people can hit the notes that Nicole hit. Right Paula. Not many people. Paula says it was out of this world. Indeed. Simon says it was indulgent and the wrong song. Ryan asks if she has what it takes. Randy says yeah dawg, but it doesn't take that song. Blah blah, there's banter, and I'm bored. Can we get back to that Sabrina girl?

Hey, we had a real life bona fide runaway show up on our door step tonight. Commenced the Sarah Nervous Talky thing. She's fine. Her parents picked her up about forty-five minutes after she arrived. I bawled like a baby when I shut the door, it was very emotional.

Y'all live for my little life vignettes, don't y'all? Admit it.

IDOLS 08... Haley Scarnato is singing a Celine Dion song. "It's All Coming Back to Me". Apparently it never came to you, because you, too, have never read the lyrics you're singing. What is WITH the girls tonight? I'm losing my patience. I do, for an unknown reason, like the big doubloon around her neck. Matches the ones on Paula's ears. LOL, Chris Sligh looks incredibly bored during her judging. Her outfit is ok, but it'd be better if she hadn't lost the top. Anyway, she sings so happily and whimsically about how it's all coming back to her. Yes, Celine understands the soap opera of this song. She's moved on, she's gotten on with her life, and she's stronger now, but then he starts touching her and kissing her, and it's all coming back, and oh no. She is so not prepared for this. It's so very Sonny and Carly Corinthos today on General Hospital. Do y'all get that at the AI mansion? Watch today's episode on the soap channel tonight and see how you should have sang that song. Again. All wrong. And the whimsy arm waves were too cheesy. Too much! Don't do that, or you'll beat that blue sapphire heart right off your chest at the Oscars, Haley. Ugh. What a beating that was. Randy did not love it. Paula says she wishes Haley would have sung something they hadn't already heard her sing, but Haley is pretty. Simon says Haley sounds like she's 40. Haley tells Ryan that of course she appreciates the judges' critiques, but she's going to be her own self and sing what she wants. Well, for a week or two or zero, anyway, right, Haley? Oh, by the way, Haley botched the words like mad on this song. Every other word out of her mouth was wrong.

IDOLS 09... Melinda Doolittle is singing about being hurt in a real bad way with a giant smile on her face. Not YOU, Melinda! She's singing "Sweet Sweet Baby Since You've Been Gone" (Aretha). Her voice and energy are incredible. She's amazing, but I am appalled that she sang so happily about having been kicked to the curb. Have any of these girls ever been broken up with before? She looks great, too. Jeans, cute top, brown leather jacket, ugly earrings. Cute hair. Randy loves her, Paula loves her and her firecrackyness. Did Paula just call her a cracker? Paula, Paula, Paula. Too much vodka. Simon loves her and her story and really hopes she does well.

IDOLS 10... Alaina Alexander up front says that she's emotional and sensitive. Oh, she's perfect for Idol! I hope she reads my Idol snarkage. Anyway, she's dressed kinda nondescript for Idol. Didn't dress up or down, like she doesn't want to be noticed. That's not good. What great hair she has, though. Some of these other girls should learn from her. It's the first hair of the night that really stands out as good hair. Yes, the song. Well, it was not good enough. What can I say? She sang something about being special and wanting attention? "Brass in Pocket" by the Pretenders, apparently. She didn't really do anything special with the song. Or anything attention-worthy. I've already forgotten it. Randy says it was pitchy, dawg. Paula says that what Randy meant was that she didn't make it her own. No Paula, pitchy means "off-key". Take away the Coke cup, guys. Simon says what I said about her not being special and that she's going to depend on her looks to get by. Ryan starts being all sweet, and Simon asks if Ryan wants to date her. Simon, did you hear yourself and the pronoun at the end of the sentence? Rethink it. Ryan fumbles around for a long time. Again, I'm bored.

IDOLS 11... Gina Glocksen is tired of auditioning for American Idol, so she's ready to win it. The good news, Gina, is that now that you've made the top 24, you're no longer eligible to audition. So whether you win or not, you're done. So you get your wish either way! Glad I can bear the good news. Anyway, the music starts, and I'm scared for her. "All By Myself", the Celine version. All my muscles are tense, because this can go very badly. It can also go well. She looks as good as a girl with a tongue bolt can look, I guess. Oh, speaking of that! My sister's biopsy results came back today. It is definitely cancer, stage 0, but they think they got it all and she'll just have to go back every three months for biopsies. Ok, so here's the big note, and she hits it, and after the note, she finishes the song well and with a little non-Celine flair, even, which impresses me. Good for her. Randy is happy, Paula is praising the unicorns, and Simon says that she surprised him singing that song but he doesn't think she hit the big note. Ryan asks her about her confidence. 6 pre-performance, and 12 post-performance, because she's sure she hit the note. Tivo is our friend. I've listened to it three times, and it sounds to me like she hit it. She had to tweak it slightly, but she ended up where she needed to be, and at least she wasn't smiling giddily while singing about being all alone her bleak, isolated, cat-lady world. Ahem. If ever Frank leaves me, I'll be a cat lady, so I'm insulting only me there.

IDOLS 12... Lakisha Jones is the last of the girls. *sigh* I'm too tired to even talk about her dress. There is too much of her ginormous breasts for that dress. It's a pretty dress, lovely red and gold, perfect for the Chinese New Year. But those bazoombas need their own matching purses, good grief. I guess I wasn't too tired to talk about the dress. She's singing "And I Am Telling You" by Jennifer Holiday and now Jennifer Hudson, so it will be high on the judges' radar. Did she just feel herself up in her hoo-hah region? Was that on purpose? I mean, everything else she's doing on that stage is very well crafted, so I have to think she went for her own hoo-hah on purpose. I mean, there was a dress barrier there, but... whatever. Too tired. Hoo-hah girl is awesome. Different league. She's amazing with her voice and her acting and her bazoombas and hoo-hah and her hair that won't stay out of her mouth no matter how hard she tries to keep it out. Randy says Jennifer Hudson watch out! Yes, she'll watch out from behind her little statuette. He can protect her (if she wins). Paula says hooray! Simon says, to correct someone earlier, let me be haughty for a moment and take away from your moment just a smidge, that's the right note. Lakisha looks uncomfy with that remark but smiles with her Godzilla breasts. Her Godzeasts. King Kongas. Simon says he's tempted to tell 23 people to book their tickets home, because she's in a different league.

Ryan asks the judges between the guys and the girls, how many would you keep? Randy says he'd keep about 4 guys and 8 girls, and that's exactly what Judge Extraordinaire SarahK would have said. Paula says everyone is so beautiful in all the plum fairy land! Oh, and some of you can sleep great tonight. But the rest of you... pick the right song. (If you're here.) Ryan asks Simon the score, and Simon says that there were about 4 good performances tonight and Lakisha has thrown down the gauntlet. Yes, the Gauntlet of Breasts. Cutlet?

Ok, the order...

12 Lakisha Jones*
04 Sabrina Sloan*
01 Stephanie Edwards*
09 Melinda Doolittle* - was better than Stephanie but got major points off for the smiling while getting kicked to the curb thing
11 Gina Glocksen*
03 Leslie Hunt
06 Jordin - sounded better than Leslie, but got major points off for not knowing anything about lyrics
08 Haley
10 Alaina Alexander
05 Antonella - at least she moved around on the stage, unlike Amy.
07 Nicole - Yes, Antonella was pitchier, but Nicole yelled her whole song, and I wasn't crazy about her tone.
02 Amy Krebs - zzzzz.

Prediction: I think Amy is gone for sure. Either Nicole or Alaina will leave with her... hmm. Alaina has that hot girl thing going on (not that Nicole isn't pretty, she is, but Alaina has all that hair). I think Antonella will skate easily. Ok, Amy and Nicole.

On the guy side, oh please let it be A.J. and Rudy, who haven't quite mastered the art of singing in English. But I don't think it will be them. I think it will be Rudy and Paul. The Foot Fungus Freak. Which kind of makes me sad, because I was going to start with my mushroom jokes next week. There's always tomorrow night, I guess.

Jews.

That's right. Jews.

You see, anti-Semitic incidents are on the rise in France, whether they are a result of the Islamification of French society or the rise of extreme nationalist movies that have given rise to demagogue wannabes like Jean Marie Le Pen.

However, French Jews tend not to learn from the mistakes of their ancestors, which your ancestors gladly handed over to the Nazis. Heck, you just planted one in the ground just recently... The Bastard of Bordeaux Papon, I believe.

Shouldn't have sprung him from jail, Pharaoh. That really cheesed us off.

As humiliating as it is to be related to these Cheese-Eating Torah-Reading Tamarins, a lot of them have the blood of the French Resistance in their veins. They've been taught early on that the sound of breaking glass and goose-stepping in the streets needs to be met with heavy gunfire in response, not cowering and praying. But your restrictive gun laws make it kind of hard to defend oneself against organized parties wanting them wiped out (ie The Surite). So this time around they're turning to their faith for a solution.

Hey, why settle for anything less than the Granddaddy of All Regime Ass-Whuppings: The Ten Plagues. They even made a movie about it, although it didn't star Jerry Lewis.

We're still working out the details, though:

1. Rivers turn to blood: Still working on it. We may have to settle for turning the wine to blood. Or antifreeze. Not that it's much of a change for most cheaper vintages.

2. Frogs: Somewhat redundant, since France literally is a plague of frogs.

3. Lice: Once again, nobody would notice this on most Frenchmen, Frenchwomen, and Frenchchildren.

4. Flies: Yet again, nobody would notice this.

5. Livestock dying: We kind of like animals, so we decided to change this to "The Airbus A380 being as airworthy as Anna Nicole Smith with a rocket up her ass."

6. Boils: A side-effect of Asian Bird Flu, I believe. Care for more game hen, Francois?

7. Hail of fire: Will flaming parked cars, do? Spark up some more Peugeots, Habib The Badly-Assimilated Algerian Immigrant!

8. Locusts: They're on backorder. But we got a great deal on hornets. Wholesale, too!

9. Darkness: The Eiffel Tower "energy conservation" stunt was just an attempt by Jacques Chirac to cover for this one. We'll reschedule.

If these Nine Plagues Of France don't convince you to lay off the people wearing the doilies on their heads and reading from right to left, well...

Hrm. There's a slight problem with "Death of the Firstborn" because there's a loophole concerning abortions. It seems that God considers that the killing of a child, after all, and French abortion rates are alarmingly high. Even if it is making sure that another Frenchman doesn't come into the world to look down his nose at it.

(You'd think the country was a Tyson chicken processing plant instead of a former Catholic stronghold in Europe.)

IDOLS 03... Sundance Head was one of the best in his audition, then fell apart in Hollywood week and is hoping to redeem himself tonight. He's singing "Nights in White Satin", and it starts off a little pitchy and shaky, so I'm kinda worried for him. Yeah, it doesn't get much better. He keeps belting, but it just never comes back on track... I almost want to vote for him as a mercy vote. He's having a rough time. Randy says he needs to go back to the bluesy Sundance from the audition, and he is pitchy Dawg. Paula says yeah. Simon says he agrees and doesn't like Sundance tonight, and you can see the pain in his eyes. He has very emotional eyes. I can't take it, I feel my fingers pulling toward the phone for a Sundance vote. He's in danger of going home unless one of the other unremarkables does something unremarkable. LOL, one of the judges had said something about Sundance's arms flailing about while he was singing (it was Simon), and Ryan asks Sundance what he would do differently with his arms next time. Paula, of all people, starts doing the Simon Chicken Breast Rub and rubs her hands all over her upper chest. Ryan joins in. Hahahahaha. I love it. They picked up on it on The Soup a couple of weeks ago, too. One of the best Idol moments this season.

IDOLS 04... Paul Kim, the Foot Fungus Freak. Yeah, I've decided that until he wears shoes, he is a walking athlete's foot machine. We get it, you've shown us your gimmick, whatever. You can spray your tootsies with Lysol and put your flip-flops back on. Anyway, he's singing "Careless Whisper", ok? And he's doing the hip-hop hand motions, right? I'm never gonna dance again... yo... whatup... uh... guilty feet indeed. The up-and-down hand motions do not go with the song. Listen to your words, Triple F. Yaaaawwwwwnnnnn. This is soooo boring. I know why the hand motions, he's rocking himself to sleep... and aaaaaaack!!! What in the world was that? Right in the middle goes up into the worst Ace Young falsetto -- way worse than any Ace ever did -- and completely botches it. Randy says maybe the song is not right. Collagen asks how he feels, which is her way of saying that it sucked, and Simon says that it was 3rd rate and he should put his shoes on. I'm with you, Simon. Oh, and Randy and Paula want the viewers to remember that Triple F is one of the best voices in the competition. Eh, I can do without him and his many fungi.

So far, I feel let down tonight. Who will save this wretched heap of deflating manhood?

Oh dear, Ryan took off his shoes to show his support. Plus, he just got a pedicure, and he says the Triple F definitely needs a pedi.

IDOLS 05... Chris Richardson dresses like Justin Timberlake, looks a little like a cross between K-Fed and JT, so Britney's Dream Ex. Well, here's a much better song choice than the other guys, because I'm not scowling upon hearing the opening. Gavin Degraw's "I Don't Wanna Be". About three bars in, I'm kinda rocking back and forth, watching closely because I'm not sure what to think, and Frank is saying, "It it just me, or is that really bad? Doesn't that sound like me trying to sing it?" And halfway through, I rewind and start it over; I'm too puzzled. I have to listen with my eyes closed. And I think what's happened is that he's been compared to JT enough that he's trying to sing a rockish song with a popish flare to it, you know, do his own thang, dawg, so that they can't judge him on a pop song and compare him to JT apples to apples? Maybe. And I don't know why, but I almost like it. I think I like it for the high notes. Definitely requires eye closure, though. Too much weird gyrating and chicken dancing for my taste. But I don't like it enough to vote for it. Frank thinks it's terrible. Randy says yo yo, the show just started. Not your best vocal. Paula says yummy! Simon says the girls will love you and vote for you, but your vocals sounded small up there. YES, exactly!

IDOLS 06... Nick Pedro is definitely one of the cutest of the guys, not that I think he's cute, but other girls might. He's singing "Now and Forever" by Richard Marx, and in the beginning, he is having a hard time keeping up with the band. He finally gets it together, but it's a little pitchy. The high part is good, but eh. It was pretty blaaaaaaaah. Nice voice, and I want him to stick around, so I hope the little teeny boppers fawn over that hunky smile of his and vote for him. I can't vote for that performance. He'll probably be middle of the pack.

IDOLS 07... Blake Lewis, the beatboxer. I'm glad he said the beatboxing will be used sparingly, because really, save it for special occasions and a song here and there on your album. This is a singing competition. He's singing "Somewhere Only We Know" by Keane. I've never heard the song, and I haven't heard him sing much, so let's to it... Oooooooh. For me, this was a chest-holder. One of those songs where I just put my hand on my chest and didn't move until it was over. That was lovely. I like his voice. Am calling to vote for him right now. Line's busy. Will try again later. Finally, someone stepped up. Good job.

IDOLS 08... Sanjaya Malakar is singing, oh guess whose song Sanjaya is singing? Sanjaya, have you not read in the SarahK Rules of Idol that you are not allowed to sing Stevie Wonder songs? No one is. Nothing good can come of it. Some song about not wanting to bore me and I love you, I love you, I love you, you're boring, you're a lovely little lemondrop candycane. Snoooooooze. Randy says no, dawg. No one can sing Stevie Wonder. Yes, that's why they did a whole Stevie Wonder night last year, Sanjaya -- or was that just to make all my hair fall out? I can't recall. Paula says something about lovely poppies in a field, and Simon agrees with me on the boring but says people will like his hair. They have hair banter, and it's uncomfy talk with Ryan about age until the break. Yes, we get it, he's 17. Big whoop, Leann Rimes was 14 when she yodeled "Blue", so don't talk to me about age.

IDOLS 09... Chris Sligh is up, and he was my favorite coming in, so I hope with all the hope in my heart that he's great tonight. He's funny in his interview, makes fun of wanting to sing "Do I Make You Proud" in the finale. He sings "Typical" by Mute Math. Frank and I thought it was the best of the night. I could have done without the annoying Pink Floydathon they had going on with the lights, but the singing was great. I'll vote for that. Randy likes it, Paula likes it. Simon says that yes, his humor did get him here (referring to his interview), but he felt like he was at a college singing or something, and Ryan wants to know when kids just start randomly singing at college. I knew what Simon meant, like karaoke night in the SUB, but Ryan is talking over the judges when it's not his turn, and Simon starts to hissy... Simon says shut up, and those two girls just start the squabbling. Meanwhile, Chris tries to break the ice and says something like, "I just wanna know, just because I don't sing the types of songs like Il Divo and the Teletubbies..." referring to the men's opera group Simon started and the Teletubbies Christmas album that Simon is responsible for, and hahaha, he researched just in case Simon insulted him so he could fling poo back. Simon says, "You could always play a Teletubby." So Simon is getting ugly with Chris because he's in the middle of his lover's quarrel with Ryanne, whom he has already called "Sweetheart" in their little match. So Chris doesn't get a very constructive judging, because Ryan has cut Simon off, and they're arguing over who has prettier nail polish. Oh Simon, you know Ryan spends hours picking out his nail color, just let him win. Vote for Chris, BTW.

IDOLS 10... Jared Cotter. This is really the first time we're seeing him, so great, clean slate for him. That can be great. And he's singing a stupid, retarded, foot fungus song. "Back at One" by Brian McKnight. Forgettable. Well-sung, but forgettable. Terrible song choice.

IDOLS 11... A.J. Tabaldo. I hear the opening horns of the song and roll my eyes. I'm sorry, didn't we already hear him? Wasn't this the first guy, the one whom I couldn't understand at all? Because he's back. This time singing the safe and boring "All My Love" or something like that, who cares. Goodbye.

NUMBER WITHHELD... Last is the family-abandoning Phil Stacey, who left his wife to have a baby on her own so he could audition for Idol. Wasn't due for another week. Ok, so you just left your 9-months pregnant wife. That's so much better. Why do you feel the need to explain yourself? Do you feel guilty? Because you should. Look how your wife came with you to support you in Hollywood. Like you didn't do when she had your baby. I'm not one to make fun of physical features, so I won't. But I do feel so much negativity for this man who left his 9-months pregnant wife to audition, so I will say this: He should grow some hair or wear the hat like he wore in his audition. And it's nothing to do with the bald head. Oh, and would everyone shut up about Britney's bald head already? Anyway, he sings "I Could Not Ask for More", a song I love. The beginning is shaky and bad at best, but to be honest, that is a hard song to sing. You have to have range to sing it. I can nail the chorus and the coda, but I really struggle with the beginning, because probably most people who hit the chorus with ease are uncomfy with the beginning -- it's too low for us. It's too low for me, anyway. It's barely in my range. /me being nice. He eases into the chorus and does his own thing near the end. I'm more impressed with his performance than I want to be. Vocally, I'd say he's in the top three tonight, even though I want to punch him in his dumb monkey face. No, I wouldn't actually do that, so if his dumb monkey face ends up punched, y'all look at other suspects before me, ok? Randy is like, "You're my hero! Can you also fly and turn invisible?" Paula's like, "Can you melt things with your brain? Better yet, can you make vodka appear out of thin air?" Simon says, "Yeah, it was monstrous in the beginning and good at the end, but it wasn't the best thing since self-healing cheerleaders." He starts name-dropping past Idol contestants.

Ok, the ranking (I only call in votes for the *s):

09 Chris Sligh - 07 Blake Lewis*
07 Blake Lewis - 09 Chris Sligh*
NW Phil Stacey - even though he's a pale-faced mealy-mouthed ninny, and I hate him.

Everyone else pretty much did nothing for me.

06 Nick Pedro* - changed my mind. I guess I can vote for it, even though he doesn't deserve it.
02 Brandon Rogers
05 Chris Richardson, and I don't know why.
08 Sanjaya Malakar
10 Jared Cotter
03 Sundance Head*
04 Paul Kim - Foot Fungus Freak
11 A.J. Tabaldo - come on. I don't care if you speak English, but at least sing in English.
01 Rudy Cardenas - ditto.

I'm so offended by all these guys coming out and playing it safe. This is the first time they get a chance to show off, to prove that they should be the one whose record I'm buying in nine months, and they want to sing a crappy Stevie Wonder song to me? That is so RUDE! Same thing happens every year. I feel like a broken record. You can't win Idol playing it safe, because you're just counting on everyone else screwing up. One person is bound to break out and do something worth voting for, and you'll be left in the dust. But if only one person is breaking out, that makes for tedious television for the 30 million of us watching.

A) The story itself.

1. Remembered to stop at her waist. Forgot which end to start on.

It will be even more worst!

A: We only have to pay the Chinese for one missile instead of two when it's time to knock both Howard Stern and Air America off the air.

First, we need to decided on who we are using as a representative target of the humor. My own humor would be a bad match as my high intellect makes me quite different than the average viewer. Instead, knowing this is aimed at FOX News viewers, we need to look at what is average for that. The problem is there are essentially two types. There are the conservative bloggers like us who are of above average intelligence, have a high understanding of politics, are hip to new trends in society, and, above all, are unbearably pretentious. On the other hand, there is the FOX News viewer who screams at the TV every time Hillary Clinton appears on screen and wonders why Sean Hannity doesn't shout more.

Let's simply use as our baseline someone who is an average between the two.

First, there was the segment with Limbaugh as president. Assuming the viewer is a Limbaugh fan, this portion would be considered quite funny even if not particularly clever. The most clever part was the secretary being named Rosemary, but even the canned laughter didn't get that joke. The line about the Sheehan shooting spree would be the funniest since Sheehan is quite disapproved of by the theoretical viewer who would laugh simply to finally see a joke about her on TV.

The next major jokes (I'm ignoring pacing jokes which are weak jokes meant to keep someone laughing who already was laughing but would miss activation levels in isolation) were about Hillary Clinton. Despite newer liberal subjects of high disapproval, Hillary is still high disliked by our theoretical viewer and thus jokes about her would have to be quite bad to not be considered funny. The first joke about her hiring a diverse group of angry lesbians would hit the mark quite well as it plays on the strongest perceptions about Hillary. The "4.99 a minute; 2.99 for each additional minute" joke about Hillary wanting a conversation has a low activation and doesn't play up the main negative perceptions about Hillary, but our theoretical viewer would laugh because of the humor of the previous joke had kept the humor area of the brain activated.

The joke about the denial of the Holocaust denial conference would be the funniest joke of the night for our theoretical viewer. The brain activation in linking the rhetoric of the denial of the conference to what the viewer knows of Holocaust denial rhetoric involves high brain activation within the confines of the cumulation period. This is coupled with the strong disapproval of the subject being ridiculed: Iran and anti-Semites.

There were then a few more jokes of basic brain activation ridiculing subjects of high disapproval which by the viewer would be considered "somewhat funny." The segment about the liberal books fell flat, though. While liberals values are highly disapproved, the book titles were not clever enough to cause enough brain activation to exceed the low hurdle.

The ACLU joke ad would have been considered funny because our viewers hates the ACLU. In this situation, almost no joke was needed for laughter, only the perception of ridicule aimed at the ACLU.

Later, there were a couple so-so jokes aimed at the daughter of Saddam Hussein, Suzanne Somers, and Time magazine firing people that would not have caused significant humor activation with the viewer (I should note that Ducky handled the Time magazine layoffs with a joke that was much better at stimulation of brain activity). The joke about Nigerians using a spam type scam to get debt relief was a good combination of brain activity (matching the rhetoric in their scheme with known spam e-mails) and ridiculing a subject disapproved of (spammers).

The segment about Obama (which was previewed on the blogosphere) would hit better with our theoretical viewer than the elitist bloggers. Most of the jokes were aimed at Obama's unearned popularity, a subject that had been bothering our viewer. Much ado had been made about the immaturity of the joke of the magazine being named "BO," but this was pacing humor in this context and not the main humor and would have gotten a laugh from our viewer.

The joke about Ed Begley Hr. not having enough charge for his car and then filling it up with his own human waste would be a hit with our viewer because he hates Begley and considers electric cars to be gay.

The t-shirt segment was an odd thing. Our viewer hates Che t-shirts, but many of the jokes on these shirts required explanations. Usually, explanations ruin jokes, but some shirts, like the Kim Jong Il "No fat chicks" shirt was funny if understood. Still, the explanations were handled ineptly and thus brain activation hurdles were not met making this segment fall flat.

The fake ad for celebrities looking for new causes was a guaranteed hit even without being clever since our viewer hates celebrities and all their stupid causes.

The six-degrees of global warming segment worked for our viewer as his perception is that global warming advocates use arguments that involve ridiculous leaps of logic and this joke played to that. Processing the ridiculousness of the explanations succeeded in causing enough brain activation for humor in our viewer making this segment "funny."

The second ACLU fake ad was also funny to our viewer because of his hate of the ACLU and crack smoking pregnant women.

The final joke about Ed Begley Jr. being raped in prison would be unfunny to many people since the subject is offensive, but it was funny to our theoretical viewer who does believe Begley deserves to be gang-raped for driving an electric car.

So, was the show funny overall? This becomes a questions of whether our theoretical viewer, upon looking back at the show, feels that a bond was made with his intellect and beliefs. This is a hard calculation to make as each joke has to be rated and the time between the jokes factored in. One really funny joke can make an entire half hour show be considered funny while some quite funny jokes surrounded by duds would leave the perception of the show being overall unfunny. in this scientifical analysis, the viewer did have enough humor activation that, upon looking back on the show, he would declare it "funny" but not "hilarious" as no strong bond was made. This means the viewer will probably watch again, but will not go too far out of his way to do so.

My recommendations: Since the show can fit in many jokes, aim some at a more specific crowd (like the prejudices of us bloggers) while keep the majority at the safer, mass-market level. To build an audience, "hilarious" needs to be the goal, even though such jokes would turn off or fall flat to a majority of viewers.

Also, there were no jokes about liberals and the war. I assume this is because these pilot episodes were filmed a week or longer before airing keeping the jokes away from situations that are in flux such as Iraq, but hopefully this will be corrected in the future. Conservatives really hate the cowardice of liberals on the subject of terrorism and strongly desire their lack of testicles being made an issue of ridicule.

So, what did you think? Remember: Questioning my scientifical analysis only make you look foolish and dumb to the issue of science. I would then ridicule you and all of the scientific community would point and laugh. Science proves you would not like that.

* Laymen may be confused with the use of the word "scientifical." While it essentially has the same meaning as "scientific," "scientifical" is the preferred term within the scientific community. Within the scientific community, the word "scientific" is used exclusively for the phrase "scientific community."

UPDATE:

Proving my analysis, liberals did not find the show funny.

Also, if you missed the show, some clips are here.

Their patriotism.

WHAT REALLY HAPPENED

Nardo flips and flops on the bed when you say FLIPPY KITTY! over and over.

He'll stop to yawn every minute or so.

I was testing the Pets and Kids mode vs. Auto Mode and Portrait Mode.

Auto gets blurry if he gets too insense in his flipping.

Oh, and the movie mode is great on this thing. Image stabilization rocks.

Gina Glocksen made it through. They showed her singing in Hollywood week, and she was so good. I'm very happy she's in. Simon is smiling as she's running out the door holding her high heels. Fantastic. Congratulations.

Jimmy McNeal and Errick Johnson are out.

Haley Scarnato is in. She didn't bother to dress up for the occasion. Most everyone else is dressed to impressed.

Philip Stacy. He's that bast**d who missed his daughter's birth to audition. If I hadn't remembered that, I would really have wanted him to go through, because wow, I like his voice. But his priorities are all wrong, so I'm not a fan. He's in the top 24. Woo frakkin hoo. I'm sure his neglected baby will be happy for him.

Frank is so envious that the contestants got to see the Simpsons movie.

Chris Sligh walks in and says to the judges, "You guys are probably wondering why I called this meeting today." Frank and I are laughing. We think he is actually hilarious. Not one of those contestants who thinks he's funny but falls flat. Chris is genuinely funny. Every time he speaks, we laugh. So we want him to stick around. Oh yeah, there's also the singing. He's great at that, too. We're fans. Yay for Chris! I don't know what Simon's talking about with that "you're not one of the better singers." I differ. No begging. I just differ. Off you go, Simon. Anyway, he's in.

Blake Lewis, the beatboxer who brings the 'NSYNC factor to AI this year. He's through. They haven't showed much of his singing. I wish they would.

Thomas Lowe is out. Didn't I read something about him? I don't remember what.

Rudy Cardenas. They show him singing in Hollywood week, and I'd actually be ok with him staying. Nice high notes. And he stays.

Paul Kim insists on going barefoot every time he appears on the show. Oh good. We need someone pregnant in the AI kitchen. Fantastic. Also, he'll always wear his lucky American Idol "draw'rs". Whatever. Phony. ::eye roll:: He's in the final 24. I am not crazy about the voice. Or the toenails for that matter. Moving on.

Jordan Sparks. They show her singing in Hollywood week, and she sounds great to me. She's through to 24.

Olivia Quiba-Hurst and Tatiana McConnico are out. I kinda wanted Tatiana to go through just because I love her name. It's all to do with my favorite author.

A.J. Tabaldo is through, but I sure hope he learns how to sing in Ingles before the voting starts, or I'll have to learn how to dial in Espanol. Or I can just not vote for him.

Stephanie Edwards is in. Never heard of her.

Hershey's All Natural Extra Dark Pure Mint Dark Chocolates are yummy. /product endorsement

Leslie Hunt is in. Judging by her Hollywood week singing, I'd have preferred Tami Gosnell.

Nick Pedro, who is all kinds of sexy (for the single ladies, of course -- I wouldn't know, because only Frank is sexy to me), is through. I'm glad of it.

Alaina Alexander sounds like she has potential. But she needs work. Randy's really drawing it out, which means she's in. And she's in. They're so predictable.

Y'all, Minerva is so funny. She jumped up on top of Rowdi's crate and then started hissing and spitting at Rowdi through the afghan that's on top of the crate. Rowdi's so tired from going to the dog spa today that she was just like, "What the --? Ma, I just want to sleep. Can you just deal with this for me? I'm going back to sleep. Thanks." And she grunted and rolled over. /Fleming house commentary

Chris Richardson has a Justin Timberlake in early 'NSYNC days sound to his voice. Frank thinks he looks like K-Fed. That is uncalled-for. Oh I do love my Homedics Shiatsu Massaging Back Cushion. It rocks. That Chris Richardson fella is in.

Sabrina Sloan. I can tell from her H-week singing that she's in. Simon tells her they've decided "not... to exclude" her.

Jerome Chism is out. Joelle James is out. Matt Buckstein the cowboy is out. I figured if he got this far, he'd make it. Princess Johnson is out.

Lakisha Jones. Wow, she's dynamic. And she's in.

Nicole Tranquillo is in. She's interesting.

Jared Cotter is in. His Hollywood week singing didn't sound that great to me. Good, not great.

Amy Krebs. Never seen her before. She sounds good. She's in.

Last two guys, last two girls. They have to face off. Marisa Rhodes vs. Antonella Barba (BFF#2).

They wish each other luck on the elevator, of course, because the cameras are rolling. From everything I've heard, they both should have gone through, and there are several girls I would have picked off whose place Marisa should have taken. I think the judges missed the mark on her. Maybe there's some behind the scenes drama we don't know about, but hmm. They baffled me here. I don't think that Antonella and Marisa should have been the last two girls standing. They should both be in. Hmm.

Last two guys. They could just spare us the drama, because we all know that Sundance is going through to the top 24. No brainer. Tommy Daniels is the other one. He was from the Seattle auditions and had lovely tone. Sundance was all over the place in Hollywood week, and the judges are going to put him through to the top 24 based on his very first audition. Honestly, I think Soulpatch Sundance has a great voice but probably should have been cut when he could never remember his words. But I guess the judges are going on the talent that they know is there, even though Soulpatch Head has a major nerves issue.

Wow, not a single blonde in the top 12 girls. For some reason, I'm feeling remarkably relieved about that. I wonder why.

You see, this was yet another viral marketing promotion by Cartoon Network that went terribly, terribly wrong.

Each of the bullets that Sulejman Talovic fired at the crowd was engraded with the "Moonite" logo.

By randomly firing them into the crowd of shoppers, the goal was to spread the word about the new season of Aqua Teen Hunger Force.

Not only would this "high-impact marketing incident" generate headlines among those at the mall, but the news media would amplify the publicity across the world, attracting viewership to the show.

First, it was fake bombs strapped to bridges.
Now, it's families torn asunder, and watching their wounded relatives struggle for life in hospitals.

There's nothing funny about this, Cartoon Network. Shame on you!

Shame on you for terrorizing a community with your marketing antics and bloodthirsty quest for publicity at the expense of human suffering!

(Okay, well that, and the fact that the guy was a Muslim and a member of the same cult that NC hit-and-run guy was in.... but Cartoon Network is to blame!)

Ok, on to the boys. Day 2.

Oh yes, I remember liking Brian Miller in his audition. I hope they keep him. He has nice pipes. But he should change his clothes. Jarrod Fowler too. I like him.

Matt Sato. I think he has some growing up to do before he can continue on. He cries all the time, and he's very ... I don't know ... chorus line? I just feel like he's gonna bust out with spirit fingers any minute now.

I think the judges got that one backwards. They sent Jarrod home and kept Matt. And oh my word, Matt, go sing with the girls on group night, would you stop crying already?

Eeee! Group night! The stuff that makes your ears bleed! Get out your iodine, kids!

Oh, and the crygirl Matt can't find a group. Well, maybe you should hook up with that other girl who's over there crying. She needs someone to sing with. It's almost too much to watch. This is where I can hear Cesar Millan talking about how dogs in nature kill the weakest members of the pack. A dog is sick or weak? They kill it. A contestant cries like a baby every time his mama hugs him? The other contestants kill it. Oh come on, I'm just kidding. If I was there, they'd feed me wheat.

There's that nice cowboy Matt Buckstein who was in Jarrod the singing cowboy's group last year. I'm glad he's back this year. He was so gracious last year.

Huh. Perla's group is frustrated with her, because she can't harmonize.

And there's DRAMA ALL AROUND! Especially with the girl groups. Because we're just evil! EVIL, I SAY! Vicious little monsters.

BTW, it's good they're not in Vegas for Hollywood week, or many of these girls would go off and get hitched in the middle of the night just so they wouldn't have to learn their lyrics. I'm sure of it.

Ok. Judgment time. I just don't get it. They have an entire night to partition out and learn one song. And they only have to sing about what? Ninety seconds in each group? Not even a whole song. How can they not remember the words? It's like cramming for a test, only you only have to cram for about a third of the test, because the professor decides about a third of the way through that you've done enough.

So of course, they start dropping like flies forgetting the words.

Matt Sato is one of them. What, no tears when you get kicked off?

Perla is the weakest link in her group, and she says in perfect English that it's her job to prove them wrong. Dude, where's your English when it matters? Anyway, when it matters, she screws up and sounds awful, and the rest of the group is great, and Salpeneloperla is out. Adios.

Chris Sligh's group is great, they sound like 'NSYNC! They have the beatboxer, and oh, I've missed 'NSYNC! Yay! Claps all around from me.

Sundance's group. Oh no. He is forgetting lyrics, jumping in early, the girls aren't very good... they put him through to the next round anyway, and Simon tells Paula a couple of times that she was very generous with him. Sundance knows it and says he has to pull something together or else.

In Baylie Brown's group, Antonella is the only one who remembers her words. Baylie remembers only two words. The other blonde chick, who isn't memorable at all and will be gone within seconds if she even gets to the voting rounds, forgets some of her words too. The best friends make it through, and Baylie goes home. I'm really disappointed in her. Man, I wanted to see her in the top five. She has one of the best voices this season. Period. Then one of the BFFs (not Antonella) tries to say that it's because God likes good people. That is one of the snobbiest and stupidest things I've ever heard. That is so RUDE! Whatever, you'll be gone soon too. What then? God hates you then? Idiot. Ryan says her name is Amanda. Baylie says she worked so hard and didn't flirt all night, and BFF Amanda says I didn't flirt. We never flirt. Flashback to last night when Amanda was flirting at 3:30 a.m. and then Antonella and Baylie had to give up on Amanda and go to bed without their routine ready.

So they do the thing where they split them up into three rooms, and at this point, really I have no horses in the race. I'd like to see Antonella make it through, because I like her voice, and I think she has an insufferable BFF, and I know that if Antonella makes it through and Amanda doesn't, then Amanda will go the rest of her life thinking, "Well if only I hadn't asked Antonella to go down to that audition with me, I might have made it through to the next round instead of her." Oh don't beat yourself up, Amanda. If you hadn't asked Antonella to go with you, you wouldn't have made it to Hollywood, babe.

I'm happy to see Sundance and Chris through to the top 40. And Gina from a couple seasons ago and that Indian boy, but his sister didn't get through. And Antonella made it, but not Amanda. Amanda is pretending to be happy for Antonella. Yes Amanda. Because God likes good people.

Unfortunately, Bill Donohue and his calvacade of right wing shills don’t respect that a mere woman like me could be hired for my skills,

and pretended that John Edwards had to be held accountable for some of my personal, non-mainstream views on religious influence on politics

(I’m anti-theocracy, for those who were keeping track )

. Bill Donohue—anti-Semite,

right wing lackey whose entire job

is to create non-controversies

in order to derail liberal politics

—has been running a scorched earth campaign

to get me fired for my personal beliefs and my writings on this blog.

In fact, he’s made no bones about the fact that his intent is to “silence” me, as if he—a perfect stranger

—should have a right to curtail my freedom of speech.

Why? Because I’m a woman? Because I’m pro-choice? Because I’m not religious? All of the above, it seems.

Regardless, it was creating a situation where I felt that every time I coughed, I was risking the Edwards campaign.

No matter what you think about the campaign, I signed on to be a supporter and a tireless employee

for them, and if I can’t do the job I was hired to do

because Bill Donohue doesn’t have anything better to do with his time than harass me, then I won’t do it. I resigned my position today

and they accepted.

There is good news.

The main good news is that I don’t have a conflict of interest issue anymore that was preventing me from defending myself against these baseless accusations.

So it’s on. The other good news is that the blogosphere has risen as one and protested, loudly,

the influence a handful of well-financed right wing shills have on the public discourse.

Bill Donohue doesn’t speak for Catholics,

he speaks for the right wing noise machine. You guys pointed this out, you made a stink,

you refused to walk into the same stupid trap that is laid out for liberals and Democrats by the right wing noise machine and I think you made a difference. While loyalty played into the pushback some, the real story is that we liberals are not taking this crap any longer and we’re pushing back.

And now that I’m attached to only myself again,

I’m ready and eager to join in the pushing back with you.

Like Lorraine say, Jesus did not say to shut your piehole.

Obviously, I’m scatterbrained right now.

But I’ll be raring to go soon.

In the meantime, I want to share this letter Evan got from Frances Kissling, the president of an organization I adore called Catholics for a Free Choice.

She wrote a letter defending free discourse and her religion from being hijacked by the likes of Bill Donohue and other people who dress their reactionary politics up in faith’s clothing.

She sent it to the NY Times, and for some reason they didn’t run it.

To sum things up, she didn't get FIRED because of pressure from right wing shills, lackeys and noise machines, she QUIT because of pressure from right wing shills, lackeys and noise machines. A big difference there, because this way, she still has her dignity.

I wonder if she keeps her dignity in her Godbag..

This week, we'll be scammed into buying a "genuine" George Washington cherry-tree-choppin' ax as we visit Virginia. So let's get started...

Virginia became the 10th state on June 25, 1788. The northern part of it was originally used by the British as a penal colony for thieves and con artists, which may explain Washington, D.C.

The state motto of Virginia is "Sic Semper Tyrannis", which is Latin for "No, seriously, the Waltons were fictional. Stop asking about them".

George Washington was born in Westmoreland County, Virginia in 1732. He's famous for being the first President, the father of his country, and the first white man to rap under the name Vanilla Ice.

Thomas Jefferson was born in Shadwell, Virginia in 1743. His first draft of the Declaration of Independence was blunt but concise: "King George - You suck. We're outta here. - The Colonies".

Considering they used the letter "f" instead of "s" back in those days, it's probably better that he went with the longer version.

28th President Woodrow Wilson was born in Staunton, Virginia in 1856. Despite the fact that his administration brought income taxes, WWI, Prohibition, and the horrors of women's suffrage, history still remembers him kindly. Probably because he never violated the Constitutional separation of intern and cigar.

Being the largest of the colonies, Virginia was named in honor of England's "Virgin Queen", Elizabeth I. The tiny state to the north was named for her slutty cousin, Mary.

The state song of Virginia is "Carry Me Back to Old Virginia", which was chosen by one vote over "Like A Virgin".

Virginia's early settlers got the idea to plant tobacco after they were first welcomed ashore by Indians holding up signs saying "You've come a long way, baby!"

The colony of Jamestown, Virginia, was founded for the purpose of producing silk, which was shipped to England to help King James indulge his not-as-secret-as-he-thought fetish for women's underwear.

The first peanuts grown in the US were grown in Virginia. Trust me, you DON'T want to know what King James did with THOSE.

Three of the first four US presidents were born in Virginia. They were the original Patriots' Dynasty.

The state capital of Virginia - Richmond - was also the capital of the Confederacy. Most of the people in Virginia wish is still was.

The Dogwood is Virginia's state tree, state flower, and state euphemism for a canine erection.

The American Revolution ended with the surrender of Cornwallis in Yorktown, Virginia. The terms of the surrender included having Cornwallis stand in the town square naked and shout "I stink! I am a senile, bucktoothed old mummy, with bony girl arms and I smell like an elephant's butt!"

Some historians cite this as the root cause of the war of 1812.

Two iron-clad ships, the Monitor and the Merrimac, fought for 12 hours at Hampton Roads, Virginia on March 9th, 1862. The battle was inconclusive, but proved one thing: getting a cannonball through metal armor was like trying to get a tax cut through a Democratic congress.

2000 of the Civil War's battles were fought in Virginia.... 3000, if you count the times Robert E. Lee's wife whacked him with a rolling pin.

In Virginia, more people work for the US government than any other industry.

Um... well... leastwise they have more people listed on their payroll.

The world's largest shipyard is in Newport News, Virginia. Their drydock facility alone is large enough to hold 3 aircraft carriers, or a week's supply of gin for Ted Kennedy.

The Pentagon building in Arlington, Virginia is the largest office building in the world. It has over 5000 fax machines, all which are destined to someday be taken out into a field and smashed with a baseball bat.

Contrary to the popular story, the first Thanksgiving was actually held in Virginia's Berkley Plantation colony in 1619. 90 Indian braves were invited to the feast as thanks for their help during the previous year's harsh winter. Those 90 later burned the village to the ground as revenge for being made to sit at the kiddie table.

The Great Dismal Swamp is a wasteland of foul muck located near Virginia's border with North Carolina, and is NOT a nickname for Washington, D.C.

Don't feel bad. A LOT of people make that mistake.

Thomas Jefferson designed the home where he spent his final years - Monticello - which can be seen on the back of the nickel. If you look closely, you can see Jefferson yelling at some kids to get off his lawn.

George Washington's home - Mount Vernon - is NOT shown on the back of the quarter since all the pink flamingos on his lawn were deemed "too un-presidential".

The world's only oyster museum is located on Chincoteague Island, Virginia. It celebrates history's greatest oysters, including playwright Oyster Wilde and Supreme Court Justice Oyster Wendell Holmes.

On April 9, 1865, at the Appomatox, Virginia courthouse, the Civil War ended when General Robert E. Lee was forced to surrender to General Ulysses S. Grant after Lee foolishly chose rock to Grant's paper.

St. John's church in Richmond, Virginia, was where Patrick Henry famously said "Give me liberty, or give me death!". Some historians consider this story a mere legend, however, and insist that what he actually said was "Give me freedom, or give me severe nasal congestion with a headache and slight fever!"

The Atlantic headquarters of NATO is located in Norfolk, Virginia. For those who don't know, NATO is sorta like the UN, except with weapons and testicles.

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That wraps up the Virginia edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be paying 35 dollars for one stinking martini at the top of the Space Needle as we visit Washington.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go... Hey! Look!... Dogwood!.