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May 31, 2007
WHO Urges Terrorist Ban At Work
Posted by Harvey at 02:03 PM | Email This

GENEVA (Reuters) - Following the World Health Organization's recent call for a world-wide ban on public smoking, the WHO now also wants a global ban on terrorists at work and in enclosed public places.

The United Nations agency said a ban would help limit non-terrorists' exposure to high explosives, which - though not nearly as dangerous as the heart disease and respiratory illnesses caused by second-hand smoke - can still cause injury through concussive organ damage and blood loss from high-velocity shrapnel penetration.

"The evidence is clear, there is no safe level of exposure to ball-bearings propelled by C4," said WHO Director-General Margaret Chan in a statement ahead of World No Terrorists Day which will be observed on Thursday, May 31st for the first time.

"Many countries have already taken action. Iran, for example, makes people go all to way to Iraq before allowing them to blow themselves up. I urge all countries that have not yet done so to take this immediate and important step to protect the health of their citizens," she said.

"This ban violates my Detonative Human Rights!"

 A number of EU countries, including France, Spain, Ireland and Portugal are among those to have introduced such bans. Islamic residents in these countries, however, consider these bans to be unfair, if not downright racist. "It's my body" said one protester, "I should be able to scatter its parts anywhere I want. So what if a few Jews or Infidels get in the way? At least I'm not blowing cigarette smoke at them."

The Geneva-based agency said its recommendation was based on three studies on terrorists, two in the United States and one by the International Agency for Research on Persons of Explosion.

"By July 1, 240 million people worldwide will be protected by terrorist-free legislation," said Wayne Kao of the International Union Against Frustrated Muslim Men Compensating for Puny and Inadequately Functioning Genitalia, which supports a terrorist-free world.

"Unfortunately, that number is less than 4 percent of the world population," Kao told a news conference, "Well... actually more like zero percent, since murder is already illegal and passing another law ain't gonna do jack."

The WHO said some 200,000 civilians die each year due to exposure to terrorist explosive devices at work, while around 700 million children - around half the world's total - breathe air polluted by flying ball-bearings, poison-coated fishhooks, and other bomb vest enhancing materials, particularly while minding their own business in shops or restaurants.

The agency says that Islam is the leading cause of preventable deaths worldwide. The number of murderous Mohammedeans is rising rapidly in developing countries.

Armando Peruga, head of WHO's Terrorist-Free Initiative, told reporters, "remove the pollutant -- terrorists -- by implementing 100 percent splodey-dope-free environments. Stern looks and designated exploding areas do not reduce exposure to a safe level of risk. It's time to use to awesome power of legislation! NOTHING can stand against its fearsome might!"

Member countries of an international treaty against terrorism, the 2003 WHO-backed Framework Convention on Crazy Muslim Control, are due to discuss guidelines on exposure to second-hand shrapnel at a meeting in Bangkok starting on June 30.

Rating: 2.0/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (16) | Newsish Fakery
IMAO Exclusive: The White House's and WSJ's Immigration Bill FAQ
Posted by Frank J. at 01:34 PM | Email This

Due to my numerous contacts, I've received the FAQ the White House is going to soon put out to answer people's concerns about the immigration bill. It was written with help from the editorial staff at the Wall Street Journal. Here it is:

IMMIGRATION BILL FAQ

Q. I'm concerned that the immigration bill focuses more on giving illegal immigrants amnesty than border protection. Does the President share these concerns?
A. The President doesn't hate brown people.

Q. This isn't a racial issue. Many people think this bill will only encourage more illegal immigration and leave our borders open and dangerous. What are the answer to these charges?
A. To answer your underlying question, I'm afraid the the President is against your proposal to commit genocide against Hispanics.

Q. This isn't about Hispanics! This is about our laws being respected and our national security!
A. Unfortunately, America has had a long history of closed-minded bigots like you who hate all immigrants and want to keep the nation white and pure. To answer what we can only assume will be your next question, no, jackboots aren't tax deductible, but have fun in your neo-Nazi march anyway.

Q. I'm not against immigrants! Why can't you people understand there is a difference between legal and illegal immigration?! I'm only objecting to the illegal ones!
A. Calm down. It's this frothing at the mouth anger that causes your irrational views on immigration. To answer your other concerns, Hispanics actually have excellent hygiene, are not lazy, and aren't all criminals. Also, there has been no genetic evidence that Hispanics are inferior to the white man. I'd be careful about believing just any pamphlet handed out at your KKK meetings.

Q. With President Bush already having shaky support, do you think it's wise to label people with legitimate concerns about illegal immigration "racists"?
A. Did anyone ever tell you have many blatantly homosexual tendencies?

Q. That's it. I'm leaving the Republican Party.
A. And go where? The Green Party? Yeah, you have fun with that you brown-people hating, Nazi homo. Thanks for the questions!

Rating: 2.9/5 (25 votes cast)

Comments (31) | IMAO Exclusives
A Frank Amnesty Plan
Posted by Frank J. at 11:24 AM | Email This

Much of what makes Americans so mad about the amnesty proposals is the idea that people can come here, crap all over our laws, and get no punishment for it. Can we be taken seriously as a country with such an attitude? How long would it be until Canada starts stealing our silverware on its visits here? If people disobey us, the greatest nation on earth, there must always be consequences.

Always.

On the other hand, most illegal immigrants just came here for a better life. They had the horrible misfortune of being born in the dirt-poor and corrupt Mexico and wanted to come to America -- like any rational person. If someone truly wants to become an American, I would like to give him or her the opportunity. When immigration works best is when people have to work hard to be Americans and thus appreciate American values even more than those of us who were given our place here simply through birth. So, I'm quite happy with the illegal immigrants who came here from Mexico eventually becoming citizens... but as punishment for their law-breaking, they'll have to do a bit more than those who took the legal path.

Now, some have put the punishment as fines and paying back-taxes, but that serves no point. The Mexicans came here because they're poor, so any fine is going to be a high hurdle. Also, what good do those fines do us? The money is just going to go to more wasteful spending on turnip subsides and health care for old people (they're of no more use to us; why keep them alive?). If the Mexicans here illegally want to become citizens, let's have them do something useful for all Americans while simultaneous proving their zeal for American ideals. Let's have them...

Read More...


Rating: 1.8/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

With Fred Thompson departing from Law & Order, it's now being renamed The Cops and Lawyers Fun Hour.

Rating: 2.8/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Fred Thompson Facts
May 30, 2007
After Much Thought, Fred Thompson Has Decided We're Worthy
Posted by Frank J. at 02:54 PM | Email This

It's starting to sound pretty official: Fred Thompson will join the race on July 4th. He also might start taking donations on my birthday, June 4th, which derails my plans to ask you for money that day because who is going to give me money when you could instead give it to Fred Thompson.

Anyway, make sure you have a Fred Thompson Facts t-shirt for when he announces on Independence Day (I'll get your money yet!).

Rating: 1.4/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (20)
Good News, Muslims!
Posted by Frank J. at 01:49 PM | Email This

The results of a new poll was just released, and 62% of Americans don't strongly believe we should nuke Mecca. Obviously, the belief that most Americans have become anti-Muslim is wrong.

Rating: 3.2/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (10)
I Want My Hugo TV!
Posted by Frank J. at 12:37 PM | Email This

Many people in Venezuela are protesting Hugo Chavez shutting down the most viewed television station in the country. Do not fret, Venezuelans, because it's crappy opposition programming will be replaced with all new, Hugo-approved shows. One will be the long awaited sitcom Everyone Loves Hugo (Or Gets Shot with Rubber Bullets). You can't help but laugh every time he says his hilarious catchphrase "It sure smells like sulfur in here!" (and if you don't laugh, be careful to not get hit in the face with the rubber bullets).

It will show every Tuesday unless they're a coup.

Rating: 1.6/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (4)
The End of an Era and the Effects on Those with Dumb Monkey Faces
Posted by Frank J. at 11:39 AM | Email This
He's all they know.
Despite it being about a year and a half away, liberals are already freaking out over the fact that President Bush will be out of office in January 2009. Yesterday, the most commented on diary (over 750 comments at last check) at The Daily Kos was about the possibility that President Bush will refuse to leave office and round everyone up into camps. This is the liberals greatest hope, because, for them, life without Bush is completely unimaginable.

As I detailed some time ago, many liberals now lack a coherent political philosophy and instead have centered all their beliefs around President Bush. When President Bush leaves office, they will no longer know what to think. They will be able to salvage some semblance of their belief system if a Republican is elected, but they will be devastated if a Democrat become President. They probably won't even know whether to still protest the war, because what would be the point in stopping it now that President Bush is gone? In a life centered around President Bush, there would be no point to that activity whatsoever.

Maybe they will move on to heckling the civilian George Bush, but then they'll see the political world move on without them. Didn't the hatred against President Bush have something to do with politics? Liberals are so far gone now they probably can't remember. Without President Bush, they'll be like new born babes, having to rebuild a system of thought from scratch while smelling of poo. I'd expect sites like The Daily Kos to actually shut down amidst the confusion as they'll probably turn on each other like savage animals as they no longer have a single entity to direct their hate against and give purpose to their pathetic lives.

Whatever the result, it will certainly give plenty of fodder to psychologist writing research papers. And if we can ever figure out exactly how a mediocre President could elicit such hatred, perhaps it can be used against our enemies (for any liberals reading this, "enemies" refers to terrorists and not Bush and friends).

Rating: 2.8/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (17)
Good News, Everyone!
Posted by Frank J. at 09:54 AM | Email This

The results of a new poll of American Muslims was just released, and a full 74% of them don't want to stab you in the groin and eat your eyeballs. It can thus be said that Muslims in America have integrated into society much better than many have feared (you don't want to see the poll results on that for Muslims in Europe, though).

Rating: 2.2/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

They say that after a nuclear blast, the only things that will survive will be cockroaches and Fred Thompson... except that Fred Thompson doesn't like cockroaches. So the only thing that will survive will be Fred Thompson.

Rating: 1.9/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (8) | Fred Thompson Facts
May 29, 2007
CO2 Emissions Down; Environmentalist Unemployment Up
Posted by Harvey at 04:56 PM | Email This

Sad news for the global warming crowd, as US emissions of CO2 have actually dropped 1.3% in 2006, despite having an economy that grew 3.3% during the same year.

Which, I guess, means that Bush has saved the planet.

But what other effects will this have? I predict thusly:



* President Bush scraps plans for emergency Presidential escape rocket to Mars

* Environmentalists stop talking about "climate change" and start talking about "fries with that".

* Dole company abandons Alaskan pineapple plantation complex.

* Al Gore wept.

* Skyrocketing sales of "I Told You So" T-shirts to climate change deniers.

* "Kyoto" once again only notable for being an anagram of "Tokyo".

* Powerful computers used to model world climate switched to BitTorrenting pirated MP3's.

* South American rainforest ecosystems collapse as trees succumb to oxygen poisoning.

* New York Times headline: "Bush Fails to Prevent Global Temperature Stagnation Crisis".

* Sheryl Crow back to twirling Charmin around her hand like spaghetti on a fork.



As for me, it's all about the running over hippies with my SUV.

Some things never change.

Rating: 2.0/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (12)
Bad Form?
Posted by spacemonkey at 01:16 PM | Email This

Is it bad form to hotlink an image which has been stolen from the site you are hotlinking it at?

Reference

Update: Seems like they are raising money for MS. I guess it WAS bad form.

Rating: 1.9/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (2)
We've All Been Elisabeth Hasselbeck
An Editorial by Frank J.
Posted by Frank J. at 11:37 AM | Email This

 If someone came up to you and started rattling off the reasons that the moon landing was faked, could you respond?

 "You can see the flag wave in the wind! And the photos lacked stars! And they all would have died traveling through the Van Allen radiation belt!"

 If you're like most Americans, you'd know the guy is a crank but you would have no idea how to respond to each of his crazed points other than to punch him in his dumb monkey face and yell, "You're a crank! Stop with the mouth moving and the sound coming out of it, you nitwit!"

 A political ambush is hard to respond to in a reasonable fashion, because the crank controls the battlefield by spouting out "facts" you are ill-prepared for. Any idiot can read some article or some internet ramblings and then recite them to the unsuspecting... and many idiots do. The fool then thinks he won the debate when all he's done is left you confused and surprised.

There's no wind on the moon, but the flag is waving! And where are the stars?

 This is why many sympathized with poor Elisabeth Hasselbeck who was met with this scenario constantly and on live television with no escape. Hasselbeck already had to deal with the insufferable and pea-brained Joy Behar who could recite Democrat talking points with the near accuracy of a trained parrot -- annoying but predictable -- but then came the raging monstrosity of Rosie O'Donnell. She's pure hate and stupidity squished into one amorphous blob with but one goal: To make people think it's smart. Rosie had the public's laughter -- as any clown could claim -- but she wanted their respect. So she -- through either design or through accident of her chubby fingers mistyping as they mashed against her sticky keyboard -- came to websites with ideas even outside the mainstream of what's referred to as "liberal thought."

 "When I tell the people these things they don't know, I will be the smart one!" she burbled to herself as her many chins were lit by the glow of her nacho cheese-stained monitor. "They will love and respect me!"

 Of course, to look smart, it helps to have another look dumb, and Rosie had the perfect foil in Elisabeth Hasselbeck, as that woman dared to be everything Rosie wasn't: slim, blond, attractive, and heterosexual. Worst yet, Hasselbeck was a Republican, and, by the understanding Rosie had as taught by her friends in Hollywood, people only became Republicans as an expression of their love of evil.

 So Rosie spouted her shiny new ideas aimed at the young Hasselbeck with Behar snickering all the while out of a nervous habit of incomprehension. Many criticized Hasselbeck for not standing in front of the charging, lesbian rhino, meeting force with force, but that ignores the ambush taking place and that Hasselbeck is no pundit -- she is only as well informed as any regular American. How could she be prepared for the assertion that the World Trade Center Building 7 was blown up by the government? And if someone came up to you and loudly and obnoxiously stated that fire could not melt steel, how long would it take you to recover from the shock of the surrealness of the situation to respond?

 Hasselbeck had not signed on to fight against a hippopotamus thrashing about in waters of ignorance and conspiracy, but she tried in her own meek manner. The second time the WTC 7 was brought up, she was prepared to meet Rosie with some facts, but she was then broadsided by statements that Giuliani had shuttled steel off to China as a cover up. Lesson learned: You can't stay ahead of a crank -- not unless you're willing to search out the facts of every single wacko conspiracy out there like some sort of Wikipedia Brown.

 But while Rosie thought she won the debate on stage since Hasselbeck never rose to meet her fury, she was not prepared for the reaction of the public at large. Apparently people took the "facts" Rosie put out there and then followed them to their logical conclusions. This caught Rosie off guard because she lacks the mental capacity to reach those logical conclusions herself. It may seem obvious to you that if someone states that our troops killed 655,000 Iraqis and then asks, "Who are the real terrorists?", the implication is that our troops are terrorists. But Rosie was really just asking a question she didn't know the answer to. She thought she could just spout things she read on the internet and sound smart; she had no idea people would put any meaning to the things she was saying. Thus the real pain in her eyes when she asked Hasselbeck, "Do you believe I think the troops are terrorists?" The correct answer would be, "No, I don't believe you have any political thought quite that coherent."

 How the now despised Rosie lashed out at little Hasselbeck, a warthog snarling at a bunny. Her attempts to look smart and gain love and respect had failed horribly, and her only consolation was batting around the blond woman in front of a studio audience. But finally Hasselbeck struck back, meeting the blubbering intensity of Rosie with equal passion. Thoroughly defeated, she called Hasselbeck a coward and quickly waddled away to her swamp to write her faux-poetry on her blog which resembled what one would expect to be the result if one of those signing chimps were taught to type. And cheer we all did, for Hasselbeck, no greater than the rest of us, struck a blow for all those ever cornered by an obnoxious idiot so fool and pitiful as to convince himself that he's smart.

Frank J. is a syndicated columnist who is against the idea of women being left alone to chat about politics.

Rating: 2.2/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (20) | Editorials
Question
Posted by Frank J. at 10:07 AM | Email This

Is there anyone nuttier than Ron Paul supporters?

You may say it's a false question since Gallup was unable to find an actual Ron Paul supporter. Thus, there's no evidence yet that his denizens on the internet are anything other sock puppets. But whoever is spamming internet polls and blog comments -- whether it be Ron Paul or someone associated with him -- has to be quite mad.

Rating: 1.9/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (16)
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

Fred Thompson had never considered anything a monkey has done to be funny. Even those with roller skates on.

Rating: 2.5/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (3) | Fred Thompson Facts
May 28, 2007
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

Fred Thompson honors the fallen on Memorial Day by setting fire to hippies. Burn long and hard in their remembrance, you filthy hippies.

Rating: 2.1/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (18) | Fred Thompson Facts
May 27, 2007
Blogging the Qur'an
Posted by Frank J. at 07:42 PM | Email This

Every Sunday, Robert Spencer is going to lead us through parts of the Qur'an at Hot Air and answer questions in the comments section. Today he simply starts with explaining how the Qur'an is put together and how it is perceived in Islam. This sounds like some very worthwhile study, and I hope everyone participates.

BTW, I feel I should mention Spencer's book The Truth About Muhammad which was quite an engaging read.

Rating: 3.3/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 02:35 PM | Email This

The grass is always greener on Fred Thompson's lawn. Always.

Rating: 2.2/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (9) | Fred Thompson Facts
May 26, 2007
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

Fred Thompson has enough strength to throw Rosie O'Donnell ten feet.

Rating: 2.6/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (20) | Fred Thompson Facts
May 25, 2007
Outrageous and Inflammatory Facts About Ron Paul
Posted by spacemonkey at 06:03 PM | Email This

Ron Paul sucks. Ron Paul also blows. All this just from respiring.

A lot of the time Ron Paul is quite full of crap .Is Ron Paul crazy? If so, he is crazy and full of crap.

But most shockingly: When Ron Paul eats at restaurants he has a well known penchant for public mastication.

Can Ron Paul ever hope to get the Republican nomination when these truths are more widely known? Doubtful when his poll ratings can't get much lower.

Ref: Extreme Mortman

Rating: 2.6/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (17)
FAQ?
Posted by spacemonkey at 05:36 PM | Email This

This FAQ makes me sad and yet I have to laugh too.

Rating: 2.6/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (14)
Prayers Needed
Posted by Frank J. at 05:20 PM | Email This

Blogger Jack Lewis has two special needs kids to take care of, but his wife lost her job and insurance due to an unscrupulous boss and false accusations (it's a pretty angrifying story). Please keep them in your prayers.

Rating: 2.5/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Week in Peeps
Posted by Frank J. at 04:23 PM | Email This

Mary Katharine Ham has a new "Week in Peeps" video. I always thought puppets were the best educational tool, but I guess peeps work well too.

Rating: 1.0/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 03:30 PM | Email This

Fred Thompson has a cameo appearance in the third Pirates of the Caribbean movie. He plays the force of nature.

Rating: 1.3/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (3) | Fred Thompson Facts
Meanwhile, In An Alternate Universe...
Posted by Harvey at 11:06 AM | Email This

(hat tip to reader Charles for inspiring this one)

The shrieking freaks at ANSWER (Act Now to Stop War and End Racism) are planning to protest Dick Cheney's address at the West Point commencement ceremony on May 26th as part of what they're calling their "Turn Up the Heat in 2007" campaign of year-long slogan-chanting.

What's the matter with these people? It's Memorial Day weekend! Can't they take a break from rooting against the troops to have a barbecue or something?

Anyway, after reading yet another of their tiresome screeds, I nodded off out of sheer boredom and had the most wonderful dream. I was transported to a happy world where ANSWER was actually a group of pro-victory patriots which wanted America to win this war as much as this world's ANSWER wants America to lose it. And in that beautiful dream, their "Turn up the Heat in 2007" page looked something like this:



A Proposal for Nation-Wide Protests
"Turn Up the Heat in 2007"

A Year of Protest and Resistance
blow up terrorists.jpg

 On March 17, tens of thousands of people marched on the Pentagon. Between March 17-20, more than 1,000 protests took place in cities and towns throughout the country.

The people of the country want the war to end immediately in victory. Instead, the death toll for terrorists barely grows higher every day. Politicians fiddle and jockey for electoral advantage while tens of thousands of troops get sent once again, and for extended 15 month tours, to do the killin' that they do so well. Sadly, though, the list of terrorist dead is still well under 100,000 as a result of this war, which is tragically undersupported and underfunded by Bush and Congress.

Iraq is Bush's Vietnam. Or possibly Korea. Maybe the War of 1812. History's not my long suit. Anyway, this war based on "being nice" and "minimizing collateral damage" enters its fifth year with no end in sight.

Bush and the Generals hang on to the fantasy of military victory that doesn't include shedding oceans of Islamofascist blood. Congress voted to prolong the war for at least another year. If the war is not worth fighting after 2008, then why should one more Soldier or Marine be sent to kill terrorists in Iraq in 2007, when we have thousands of nuclear-tipped missiles that could kill terrorists for them?

The U.S. invasion and occupation has yet to kill the thugs and murderers who plunged Iraqi society into a terrible nightmare. We, the people, must act now, to stop this criminal enterprise. The drug-addled hippies, not the politicians, lost the Vietnam War. We must ignite a firestorm of grassroots pro-victory activity.

Starting in 1968, shortly after the pro-communist-slanted mis-reporting of the Tet Offensive, the defeatist idiots of this country became a major factor in the calculations of the warmakers. Treason and subversion grew in every community, in every school, and in the audience of every Grateful Dead concert, as tens of thousands of gullible morons became the simpering propaganda tools of the Viet Cong.

Starting then, it was impossible for any government leader, Pentagon spokesperson or pro-victory member of Congress to visit any community or school in the country without the knowledge that they would be confronted by some screeching, unbalanced, anti-war-tard too permanently stoned to even master a job as a "hot lipid potato engineer" at McDonald's. No military recruiter could dare come on any campus without having the knowledge that smelly, anti-American loser-monkeys would fling figurative and literal poo at them.

We all know what we got for listening to those thrice-bedamned crap-slingers, and the merry hell if we're letting it happen again!

We are proposing to tens of thousands of pro-victory activists and organizers around the country that we all join together and guarantee that wherever and whenever Bush, Cheney, government officials and other slinky-spined "pro-victory" members of Congress step out in public they will know with certainty that they will be met by REAL pro-victory protestors. Many committed pro-victory activists have been making it their business to confront the warmakers when they come to their towns. This must become a deepened, dedicated and concerted action of the pro-victory movement as a whole. We must make it clear to them that we will accept no outcome in this war that doesn't include making a pile of dead terrorists 1368 feet tall.

Twice.

This is the essence of the new nation-wide campaign called "Turn up the Heat in 2007." The campaign is very simple. ANSWER (Activate Nuclear Solution to Win and End Resistance) and other national pro-victory coalitions will mobilize for every local and regional action that confronts the war makers and their spokespersons whenever they appear in public. We will encourage them to have our troops use massive, overwhelming amounts of explosive, incendiary, and nuclear ordnance on our enemies. We must let our leaders know that we want the terrorists to burn on Earth before they burn in Hell.

This campaign starts now.

On May 26, there will be a demonstration at West Point, New York where Dick Cheney will be the keynote speaker at a graduation ceremony. Activists are assembling at Veteran's Park in nearby Highland falls at 8:30 a.m. for a march to the Thayer Gate into West Point. The ANSWER Coalition will be screaming their unquenchable thirst for terrorist blood at this demonstration.

Bush, Cheney and every other pussy-footing politician -- which means anyone who is for prolonging the Iraq war -- will feel the pressure of the Turn Up the Heat campaign in the weeks and months to come.

The Turn Up the Heat campaign will promote and publicize the effectiveness of nuclear weapons as a means of pacifying a fanatical enemy (Japan - hint, hint) and also encourage every action that contributes to the decisive breaking of either our enemies' support networks, will, or bodies - and the sooner, the better. The power to end the war is in the people, but we must step up the pressure from every direction.

Let's unite and support all pro-victory actions in 2007. Together we will Turn up the Heat. Together we will end this war with a decisive American victory and plenty of dead terrorists.

Rating: 2.8/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (12)
Does He Really Have a Chance?
Posted by Harvey at 08:37 AM | Email This

Since TV became a factor in presidential politics in 1960, Americans have never elected a man that didn't have important-looking hair (Ford wasn't elected, W - while always in need of a trim - at least doesn't have hairline issues, and LBJ had that Jack Nicholson look going for him).

Will his bald spot turn out to be Fred Thompson's kryptonite?

Rating: 2.8/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (25)
May 24, 2007
Question
Posted by sarahk at 10:19 PM | Email This

If Mexicans will do the jobs Americans won't do, will they secure our borders?

Rating: 2.5/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (20)
Driving on Air
Posted by Frank J. at 03:14 PM | Email This

Everyone has been trying to find new things to power cars with than oil (except for the oil companies who are trying to find the people trying to find new ways to power cars so they can bury them in unmarked graves). The best ideas so far have been things much more plentiful than oil, like electricity, alcohol, sunlight, and water -- things not owned mainly by angry desert people. My own idea is a fire-powered car. You'd put fire in the car to power it. There would also be flames painted on the outside of the car and the words "FIRE-POWERED CAR" so everyone who would see it would go, "Wow! That's got to be one fast car! It's powered by fire!"

No, you're gay.
Scienticians have come up with an even better idea, though: An air-powered car. It's an awesome idea because there's nothing on earth more plentiful that air. That's why God made people air-powered with all the breathing and what not. It's not like you can run out of air, either. There's not places without air like there are deserts without water. And it doesn't disappear at night like sunlight. The only place without air is space, and the one things we've learned from science fiction is stay out of space. It's dangerous and had weird things that want to grow in our chest cavities.

Despite the plentifulness of air, the only thing people have been using air to power so far are things to shoot hobos with such as BB guns, super-soakers, and paint ball guns. Maybe that's why no one had made an air-powered car: They thought about how much they'd have to pump the handle to just get to grocery store ("I just drove in from Chicago, and boy are my arms tired!"). We won't have to pump a handle to power this car, though, because they decided to use technology to get the air into its compressed, powerful form. Whoever first though of using technology to solve problems must have been a really smart guy. Actually, I bet his name was Jimmy Technology and they named technology after him. Everyone probably just called it "smart stuff" before Jimmy showed them how to use it.

There are some worries about air-powered cars being dangerous with all that compressed air inside them (as opposed to cars filled with flameable, explosive liquid). It could be dangerous, but we won't find out until people ram each other in them. That will be a fun day. Others who don't like the car are people who want to commit suicide. Since what comes out of the exhaust is just more air, it's very hard to commit suicide with.

Wow, the future sure is exciting. I hope we can find even more things to use air for, because there sure is plenty of it we're not doing anything with.

Rating: 1.8/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (26)
Deconstructing the Muslim Survey
Posted by Harvey at 08:32 AM | Email This

By now you've probably heard about the Pew survey of American Muslims that showed 25% of them in favor of suicide bombings and only 40% of them believing that the 9/11 hijackers were Arab men.

If you're not sure if you've heard of the survey, it was probably under a headline like "Muslims Love America and You're Just a Paranoid Islamophobe for Thinking Otherwise".

Anyway, here's the 108-page pdf file of the actual survey so you can see for yourself what it says. But if you're feeling lazy, here are some of the important numbers:



* 80% thought Rosie O'Donnell should wear a burka or at least a paper bag over her head.

* 72% think that we should've looked for Saddam's WMD's in his basement, since that's where they keep their WMD's.

* 83% want to fight global warming, unless said warming results from a nuclear strike on Israel.

* 51% said Lindsay Lohan would look hotter if she had four legs and a hump.

* 2% have an MP3 of John McCain singing "Bomb Iran" on their iPods.

* 92% visit IMAO every day hoping to read that something bad has happened to Laurence Simon.

* 7% can say "JOOOOOOS!" without reflexively shaking a fist in anger.

* 18% admitted to having a secret crush on Tom Selleck because of his Saddam-like moustache.

* 89% believe that fire can weaken steel enough to collapse a building or have plans to conduct full-scale tests of the theory.

* 34% just saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching to GEICO and gave it all to Al Qaeda.

* 68% want Michelle Malkin to do another video in that cheerleader outfit.

* 12% can never remember if "Allah" is spelled with one "l" or two.

* 31% have taped a sign that said "Fatwa Me" to someone's back as a practical joke.

* 25% admitted to youthful experimentation with drawing Mohammed cartoons.

* 82% cheered at the end of "Old Yeller".

* 100% cheered at the end of "V for Vendetta".

* 8% regret the night they got REALLY drunk and let their friends talk them into getting that Piglet ankle-tattoo.

* 42% wonder why it's not spelled "mosq".

* 65% can always find the right direction to face during prayers, thanks to their Apple iMecca.

* 13% have used a Pittsburgh Steelers souvenier "Terrible Towel" as an emergency prayer rug.



Personally, I don't think I need to know where Mecca is, since I'm sure there are plenty of American ICBM's that already know it for me.

Rating: 3.6/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (13)
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

In a Fred Thompson administration, there will always be room to disagree with him. That room is called the morgue.

Rating: 2.0/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (9) | Fred Thompson Facts
May 23, 2007
American Idol Season Yawn - The Finale! Yay! It's Over! Can I Get an Amen, Y'all!
Posted by sarahk at 11:32 PM | Email This

Yo. Papa John's. I don't know where you get off calling this a large. A large pizza, by definition, has twelve slices. You wanna bring me a large pizza and give me eight slices? What the heck? Whoever came up with the size chart was tripping on Tulips.

Eight slices. Whatever. I do like that online ordering thingy, though. Used to do that all the time in Amarillo, and nobody gives me a long, awkward pause on the other end of the line when I order a pineapple, banana peppers (or jalapenos, depending on my mood), and mushroom pizza.

I will love Pauler forever for tripping on Tulips last night. Probably my favorite moment of the season.

Ryan says it's the night we've all been waiting for. Amen, broothah. Amen. Oh yeah! Can't wait for LOST. I hope Jack and Sayid get in a brawl, and Sayid buries Jack up to his head in the sand so he gets a nasty sunburn and can't try to become self-appointed king of the island again until after Sayid has taken care of The Others, Iraqi-style.

Oh, on the amen front, I was trying to say that we're all just ready for it to be over. But y'all probably picked that up from the title of the post, right? Right.

So will it be the beatboxer from Seattle or the sweetheart from Arizona? They couldn't come up with something better for Jordin than "sweetheart"? Like "that chick with pipes who can totally sing the skin off a chicken"?

That main backup singer girl (the one in the middle) is wearing a corset for a shirt. No lie. She's the one that always seems to be in charge. Teri Hatcher is in the audience, aren't you happy? There's Jeff Foxworthy, too!

Blake's cheers in the audience are louder than Jordin's. Dun dun dunnnnnnnn. Randy is wearing a black suit with some kind of Liberace lace on the cuffs and lapels and matching tie. Pauler is wearing a nice cleavage formaly dress with long hair and equally long earrings (don't those things hurt? and when did giant earrings reprise?). Simon is wearing last night's Super Big Finale Two Hour Special White Pressed Shirt and Black Jacket I'm British and Dashing Ensemble. You know the one. In the freeze-frame, Pauler doesn't look like she tripped on Tulips today, and I hope I'm wrong. Last night, she was my GIRL!

Randy thinks it's gonna be a hot finale. Hot, baby! And he asks Ryan to pick the winner, and Ryan says no, because then the loser won't come on E! and his radio show. He didn't say that stuff, but y'all know that's what he's thinking. Pauler feels excellent, and Ryan says... drumroll... "Simon, you already look bored." "Well, sweetheart, it's because I'm listening to your pretty mouth. Mwah. See you later." "No, you're gay!"

Ry-ry says it's been exhausting. Blake got fitted by some designer I've never heard of, and Jordin got fitted by that Badgley guy anyone who's ever read People's Oscar recap issue has heard of for sure. And now Jordin and Blake are singing "I Saw Her Standing There" and holding hands and everything. Blake's acting like he's into it and everything. They even do a little peck on the cheek thing at the end. Dude, she's 17, and you're way older! But I guess that's legal, right?

Oh come on. I'm just kidding.

And now, they're tuning into Gwen Stefani, who is on tour, and she is going to sing a song for us remotely. It's called "Four in the Morning." Oh my. She is wearing...

Read More...


Rating: 1.9/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (9) | American Idol
He Loves His Pirate Booty
Posted by Frank J. at 03:42 PM | Email This

John Edwards has claim to part of a $500 million sunken pirate treasure. Thus comes the obvious question: What's John Edwards' pirate name?

Silky Beard the Pirate?
Captain Fabulous?
Long John Edwards?

It's too bad I don't think he has much of a chance in the primary. With the Pink Sapphire beauty treatments and his managing hedge funds to learn about poverty, the guy is pure comedy gold.

Rating: 1.4/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (18)
Only 2% Murdered the Poll-Takers!
Posted by Frank J. at 12:51 PM | Email This

Ace has a great round-up of headlines trying to spin into a positive a poll that showed 26% of young Muslims in America think suicide bombing is justifiable. Only one paper he found put the actual news in the headline, and I bet you won't guess which.

(hat tip to Hot Air which has a great screencap of FOX News on the subject)

[Sleep Well Tonight America, Nearly Three Quarters of Muslims Polled Don't Want to Kill You, Family, Etc - spacemonkey]

Rating: 2.4/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (7)
Who Should Be More Surprised
Posted by Frank J. at 11:06 AM | Email This

Right now, the bases of both parties feel a bit betrayed: the Republicans by the amnesty bill and the Democrats by the removal of deadlines from the troop funding bill. My question is: Who should feel more surprised?

To me, that the Democrats would eventually cave on the troop funding bill was inevitable because Bush has never backed down on Iraq and the Democrats are extremely sensitive to being labeled anti-military (because they are). A number of Democrats -- apparently not comprehending the rules behind negotiations -- early on said they would back down in the end. Should we have expected more from the Republican Senators about focusing on enforcement over amnesty, though?

I guess I never knew how many Republican Senators don't take border issues very seriously. They had a panel the other day on FOX News where every one of them were trying to explain that the reason people are against the amnesty bill is because they hate brown people. Fred Barnes compared the opposition to it to the opposition early last century to Italians, because that's exactly the same with all the illegal Italians flooding over the U.S./Italy border. To these people, this is all about that we have a bunch of unskilled jobs, and the only way to fill them is the Mexicans. In fact, filling these jobs is so important that the Senators voted for cloture on the bill before even being able to read it.

Anyway, both party bases are upset right now. Maybe we should group hug.

Rating: 2.9/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (22)
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

In the series Law & Order, Fred Thompson plays the title character.

Rating: 1.8/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (6) | Fred Thompson Facts
American Idol Season Yawn - "Top" Two, or actually a better title for this would just be American Idol Season Yawn: Finale Eve
Posted by sarahk at 12:00 AM | Email This

So. Finale Eve. I can't say I'm bummed about the result of DWTS, because if I were giving a cumulative winner mirror ball trophy, I'd give it to Apolo and Julianne by a sequin. But based on last night and tonight, especially based on the freestyle, come on. Definitely Joey & Kym. By a Padawan braid. Anyway, well done all of them, but what was up with Emmitt (yay and *sigh*) saying that the mirror ball trophy can be improved upon? I mean, I guess they could put the words in bright red sequins, but I think it's shiny. Oh! Speaking of that! My cousin Kerri had her baby Sunday night, I think, and she named her Kaylee! How shiny is that?! Though I guess that means we're stuck with Inara or Zoe. River's out. I mean, come on. Geographical features? Oh crap. Frank just said that River would be a nice name. "Hi, I'm River Styx Fleming. Would you like to buy my artwork? I made it out of pine needles and moss." Seriously, he is not allowed to name our babies. No no. The only geographical feature I will consider is K2.

Oh yeah. American Idol, is it? Let's to it, then. Ryan says it's 100,000 down, two to go. 100,000 exactly, Ryan? Are your records that good? I want an audit. One guy, one girl.

This.

Read More...


Rating: 2.3/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (18) | American Idol
May 22, 2007
24 Day 6 -- the Season Finale
Posted by sarahk at 06:44 PM | Email This

Thank goodness it's over. See how low a priority this bleh season was for us? Even the season finale got saved for the next day.

Yeah, it always works well, that "going through the motions of handing stuff over" thing. Nothing ever goes wrong when they do stuff like that. And they never find those tracking devices, right, Berus?

Oh yeah, apologizing to the Russians. That's a good move. All the strong presidents do that.

CTU's really good about letting people in custody use cellphones. A lot.

Suh-NAPP! Bill isn't taking Shrill's phone calls. And that lasted all of two seconds. It must be love. Aww. But they're no Tony and Michelle. Who are dead, allegedly. I love how CTU's all up in Bill's business. "This subpoena covers your family photo albums, plus all your Playboys. Hand them over. We're particularly interested in July 1986."

Nadia (Yassir) is a mole, just like I said all along. Just you watch. "You're not going off-book on this." How 'bout I smash a book in your face? He's an innocent kid being pawned off against his will, not a piece of furniture, and we should be kicking Russia's pinkytoe for even threatening to pee in our general direction.

That's kind of crappy of Milo's brother to say, that Milo wasn't actually brave. He just did it because he was in love with Nadia (Yassir). Yeah? Well earlier in the day, he had someone to protect out in the field, and he did some pretty cool, brave stuff, so maybe you should just shut your face. Furthermore, SO'S YOUR FACE!

OOH! I'M AWESOME! I totally called that. Right before Doyle opened the component thingy, I said, "Or that could be a bomb. They have no reason to play nice." Boom. This is why you don't negotiate with terrorists. Have I mentioned that before?

Has our side done anything right since Jack kicked the guy out of the back of the subway car and made him explode in the tunnel instead of at Union Station?

"I should have listened to you Jack." "You did what you thought was right." Is Jack EVER going to say, "You know what? Yeah. You shoulda. And since you didn't, more people are probably going to die, stupid. You're a horrible leader. You should quit before you screw up something else. Remember I used to run this place." Of course, that's before he was tortured for two years by the Chinese...

Nice. Doyle will be blind in at least one eye. Good job, Yassir (Nadia).

I think Milo's brother poisoned Chloe by sticking her with something or touching her with something when he hugged her, and that's why she passed out. Or Nadia did it. She couldn't be less concerned about her. Oh yeah, there's option #3. She's preggers. That would explain why she's been a complete cranky bore for 23+hours.

BTW, Brother Biscuit has been pretty much the only character I liked this season.

Hey, VPOTT, do you really think the Russians are gonna be happy if they don't see the circuit board to know for sure it's destroyed? You're not thinking clearly.

Nadia (Yassir) to Jack: "I can't authorize that mission." You forget he doesn't work for you.

Evil Granpappy Bauer says that Josh is behaving like a child. Maybe because he is one.

I swear, EGB is gonna tell Josh that he's his father. Wow, I'm impressed the kid had it in him. Jack: "I promise, you do not want to live with the pain of killing another person." "Yeah, but I also don't want to live with the Chinese. They're communist!"

Jack's a moron. His dad is so not gonna just die. He should have finished him off. And who wants to bet that Chang doesn't have the component? Betcha EGB has it.

Total Sunglasses Moment. Suvarov is talking to VPOTT, and they're on speakerphone, and Suvarov, in a moment of complete melodrama, picks up the receiver on his end of the line. He's not asking any questions of VPOTT or anything, just saying that he regrets that his country almost killed itself and stuff. He doesn't ask the people in his office to leave the room, and he doesn't say to VPOTT, "Hey, could you take me off speaker, please? I want to say a bunch of stuff I don't mean." Just takes him off speakerphone on his own end.

Oh, and how about that whole, "We just heard the Chinese saying that they have a sub 10 minutes off your coast." We wouldn't know if the Chinese had a sub 10 minutes off our coast? How much do we suck if that happens? And if Russia hears it first, we're so screwed. Y'all know those guys are totally BFFs, and we're like the third friend that they both pretend to be friends with but then as soon as we leave the lunch table they're all talking about how ugly our shoes are.

Wow, Laura Ingraham's walk-on role was in the season finale. The show should feel honored.

Brother Biscuit is a good guy.

Yes, Chloe is pregnant.

They always say that to Jack. "Jack, I understand you're angry." "Audrey's all I've got." Her? I keep waiting for her pop her eyes open all sudden-like and say, "Jack, we need to talk about our relationship."

Wow, when the main action was over, there was still a half hour left in the show. We kept waiting for something to happen. It didn't. Yet we also kept seeing commercials for "Do you want more? Go see the Day 6 Debrief after the season finale!" and every time I would just say, "Actually, no. I don't want more. I want it to stop."

I guess they just tied up most of the loose ends, let Jack cry some more, and showed that basically they can take the show in any direction next year (rework, anyone? I vote for SD-6 or APO). One loose end I don't think they tied up is what they gave China to get Jack back at the beginning of the season. Did I miss that?

At least it's done for now. Let's hope for a much more exciting next season. And as I've said before, Frank and I are willing to write for the show, as long as we can telecommute from Texas, don't have to work Sundays or Wednesday nights, and I can still snark it.

Rating: 2.4/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (10) | 24
Sex Slavery Ring Exploits Illegals
Posted by spacemonkey at 01:55 PM | Email This

Read about this on Captains Quarters

The women involved all appear to have been illegal immigrants exploited by coyotes for their pimping business:

Maybe they were just doing the.. um.. 'jobs' y'know that Americans won't do.

Rating: 3.1/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (6)
John and Mitt Square Off. Part I
Posted by RightWingDuck at 01:23 PM | Email This

sombrerojohn1.JPG


bio_mitt_romney.jpg


sombrerojohn2.JPG

Rating: 2.2/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (14)
In My World: Hating Brown People
Posted by Frank J. at 12:44 PM | Email This

"I think you Mexicans will find this new amnesty plan to be very generous," President Bush told the group of Mexicans assembled at the table in front of him. "You just have to pay your fines and back taxes and then you're all set."

"Why should we pay your taxes, Gringo?" the head Mexican asked. "We're Mexican; we don't pay your taxes. You give us amnesty without back taxes!"

Bush thought about that. "Okay... I guess you don't need to pay taxes. Just pay the fines and everything will be even-Steven."

"The fines are too much. We don't want to pay no fines!"

"Half-fines, then."

"Why should we pay any fines? You guys tricked us over here! We were happy in Mexico."

"Well... I guess fines might be harsh, then."

"You pay us!"

"What?"

"You pay us to apologize for hassling us for crossing into land which is really ours! You do it or we leave!!"

"No no! Don't leave!" Bush pulled out his wallet. "I have twenty bucks; how's that?"

The head Mexican snatched the twenty dollar bill. "That will do... for now."

"So when do they get to vote?" Nancy Pelosi chimed in. "Can they vote tomorrow?"

"There's not an election tomorrow."

"Why don't we give them all the vote and hold an election tomorrow!" Pelosi exclaimed.

"I don't know about voting," the head Mexican said. "You aren't going to make us pay taxes in the future so we can vote, are you?"

"Well... you kinda have to pay taxes to be citizens," Bush said sheepishly.

"Maybe we don't want to be citizens. Maybe we want to come here, do whatever we want, and not pay taxes."

"And vote!" Pelosi shouted. "Don't forget to vote!" She turned to Bush. "Why don't we just let all Mexicans vote as part of the compromise?"

"And we want bridges," the Mexican said. "We hate getting wet crossing over here. Build us bridges!"

"I don't know if the Republican base will like allowing all Mexicans to come over here and do whatever they want and vote."

"And the border guards annoying us," the head Mexican said. "We want you to murder them."

"I really think my Republican base isn't going to like us sanctioning the murder of border patrol agents," Bush said.

"Why not?" Pelosi asked. "It's because they hate brown people, that's why. You're either for murdering border patrol or you hate brown people!"

"You better do it!" the head Mexican threatened. "Or we'll stop picking your lettuce!"

Bush stood up in shock. "But lettuce in the basis of a garden salad! What would salad be without it!"

"That's why you better think of what's more important to you: Us Mexicans or your Republican base!" The Mexicans all got up to leave. "We're taking some chairs with us. For our next meeting, make sure you know how to speak Spanish."

The Mexicans grabbed chairs from the meeting table and left the room. "Don't forget to register to vote!" Pelosi called out to them. "Actually, registering isn't important; just show up to the polls." She turned to Bush. "I think this compromise on immigration is turning out very well."

Bush frowned. "Yeah, but you're a soulless harpy. I'm more worried about what Republicans are going to think."

* * * *

"How has it been going explaining to the Republican base that the reason they have a problem with the immigration bill is because they hate brown people?" Bush asked Tony Snow.

"I've been hit in the head with a beer bottle three times so far." He rubbed his temple. "You know, it hurts more when it doesn't shatter."

"Of course I know that!" Bush shouted. "Aren't they happy that we're giving them the fence they want to satiate their brown people hatred?"

"They like the fence, but they're not thrilled about the air conditioned walkways you're going to build over the fence. This bill really seems to be hurting the last bit of approval rating you have. Most of the Republican Presidential candidates are scoring points off of bashing the plan; Tom Tancredo has gone up three points in the polls vowing that, if Mexicans continue to invade, he'll nuke Mecca. Also, Jimmy Carter called you the worst president in history."

"What?!" Bush exclaimed. "Worst out of all the presidents? Himself included?"

Tony nodded. "He said your so bad, he'd almost think that you're a Jew."

Bush thought for a moment. "With all the uproar -- especially from Republican voters -- I'm starting to wonder if we Republican politicians miscalculated on this bill." He shook his head. "No. The last thing I should do is listen to other people. You stick to the message, Snowman, and tell all the Republicans that the only reason they are angry is because they hate brown people. Tell them to stop worrying since it's not like this problem will go on forever since eventually all the Mexicans will sneak in here and then illegal immigration will stop for good." Bush thought for a moment. "Well, we might still have some Guatemalans sneak in, but they'll have to trek through what will then be the vast wasteland of Mexico, and most of them should die in the journey." He looked back at Tony. "So tell the angry Republicans that most of the Guatemalans will die. That should make them happy. Oh, but only tell them in Spanish; they all need to start learning that language/"

Tony looked pretty nervous. "Maybe I should focus more on talking up how things are going in Iraq."

Bush jumped to his feet. "Hey! I have an idea! Maybe we can solve things in Iraq by having an open border there too!"

"Actually, part a big part of the problem is terrorists slipping in through the porous Syrian and Iranian borders."

"Is that what the Iraqis say?" Bush sat back down. "I think what's really the problem is that the Iraqis hate brown people."

Rating: 2.0/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (14) | In My World
H. Rachel Perot
Posted by Laurence Simon at 11:08 AM | Email This

Yes, Frank, I was going to say something about Rachel Lucas being back, but I figured... what's the point?

Rachel Lucas has been back at least seven times over the course of her blogging "career" and I'm sure that she'll be back at least a dozen more times.

She's the H. Ross Perot of the blogophere.. she's in the race... she's out of the race... she's in the race... she's out of the race.

All that's missing in the squirrelly bald-headed billionaire with jug ears announcing it all on Larry King.

Yes, I'm hoping that she's here to stay, but come on - part of the fun with Rachel is counting up the posts before it all comes tumbling down again.

Speaking of which... anybody seen Spacemonkey recently?

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Rating: 1.6/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (6)
A Message... From the Past!
Posted by Frank J. at 10:30 AM | Email This

In case I'm still to busy to finish a post for today and no other IMAOer steps up, here a post I made last night and scheduled to post today. Yes, it's true: Computers have advanced enough to allow a post to made in the past and then transported to the future (it's called a "scheduled" post). Hello peoples of the future; it is I, past Frank!

I may have the first In My World™ in quite some time up later today (tomorrow for me, past Frank), but I, past Frank, have no idea whether your current Frank have the time to finish it. If not, don't blame me, past Frank; blame lazy, incompetent future Frank (your current Frank). Anyway, there is plenty of reading over at Eject! Eject! Eject! where Whitler has posted parts one and two of his new essay "You Are Not Alone." I probably won't have time to read it tomorrow (today), so tell me if it's as awesome as always. Not that I'll probably have time to read your comments because I'm way behind on e-mail (but they will be read eventually! No comment is in vain!).

In super awesome news, Rachel Lucas is back! She first announced at Eject! Eject! Eject! that she now has her site back up at her old URL. If you don't know who she is, that's too bad. The current IMAO logo is actually a butchered version of the one she made me back for in October of 2002 when I finally got my own URL. She was gone a long long time, but now she's back. Hooray!

Well, that's all the free time I have for today (last night). Maybe, after this new immigration bill, it's just time to admit we're all beat and go ahead and hire some illegal Mexicans to finish this painting. What did I need twelve-foot ceilings for? It's not like I ever planned on playing basketball in here.

Oh yeah; I needed the clearance for katana practice. I gashed the ceiling of the apartment I used to live in pretty bad. I'm sleepy...

Rating: 2.4/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Maybe We Should Be Afraid of Bill Cosby
Posted by Harvey at 08:27 AM | Email This

Revenge is sweet.

Revenge is a dish best served cold.

So... revenge is... pudding?

Rating: 1.6/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (11)
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

Fred Thompson is immune to fire, bullets, and your sarcasm.

Rating: 2.4/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (17) | Fred Thompson Facts
May 21, 2007
Free Ice Cream Delay
Posted by Frank J. at 03:43 PM | Email This

Sorry; I had an In My World™ about the immigration bill nearly completed last night, but this the first time I've gotten to a computer so far today. I'll finish it up for tomorrow. Sorry.

Wait... why am I apologizing? It's not like you pay me for this. Know what: PayPal me $20 and I'll apologize to you.

Rating: 2.8/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (19)
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

In times of trouble, Fred Thompson activates the secret gamma accelerator hidden his watch and powers up and transforms into... Fred Thompson.

Rating: 2.1/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (14) | Fred Thompson Facts
May 20, 2007
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 10:08 AM | Email This

Usually for a bill to become a law, it has to be passed by the House and the Senate and signed by the President, but once Fred Thompson made a bill into law by saying, "This bill is now the law" and punching Bill Clinton in the nads.

Rating: 2.0/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (17) | Fred Thompson Facts
May 19, 2007
Movie Madness! UPDATED with answers and clues
Posted by sarahk at 10:11 AM | Email This

Ok, I'm updating yesterdayThursday's movie madness meme with those that have already been guessed as well as a quote from each movie that's not been guessed as a hint. And again... NO CHEATING. NO GOOGLING. NO LOOKING ANYTHING UP. Those who either flat-out said, "I cheated," or obviously cheated by listing out all 50 movies in order, complete with Chinese names of movies and everything -- those comments got put into moderated status yesterday. The whole point of the game is thinking, not research. Sorry. Maybe sometime in the future, I'll put up a research game and we can all play college freshmen. So here's what the game is about again (movies are in the extended entry.)

I've been tagged by wRitErsbLock with a movie meme. Here are the rules, which I, of course, won't follow. I don't like rules.

Pick out ten favorite movies, then look them up at IMDb. In the overview at the top of each movie’s page, there are “Plot Keywords,” usually five of them. (Plus more, if you click the link.) Take the first five, and post them. Then the rest of us get to play movie buff and see if we can guess them.

Of course, instead of ten, since ten would take about two minutes for you smartypantses to get, Frank and I went through the movies together and picked out 50 off our DVD shelves (ok, I think we don't own two on the list, but I reeeeally want #43). Here's what I want your answer format to look like, because I am nothing if not bossy:

# - Name of movie - any other comments you may want to share about the movie. Go!

Read More...


Rating: 2.4/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (45)
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 10:07 AM | Email This

When Fred Thompson had to watch Sleepless in Seattle with his wife, somehow that version had ninja attacks, gun fights, and explosions.

He still thought it was gay.

Rating: 1.9/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (3) | Fred Thompson Facts
May 18, 2007
Don't Talk About the Sacred Underwear!
Posted by Frank J. at 08:52 PM | Email This

I think Hugh Hewitt demonstrated exactly how Mitt Romney shouldn't handle the Mormon issue. As Ducky blogged about earlier, Peggy Noonan made joking reference to Mormon temple garments and Hugh Hewitt took it upon himself to get offended on behalf of Mormons. What Noonan said seemed harmless enough to me, so I checked the comments on Hugh's post to find a number of Mormons saying that it was way out of bounds to talk about their temple garments because they considered them sacred.

I'm sorry, but you can't say, "Yes, we have special underwear, but it's sacred so you shouldn't talk about it!" and expect the average American to respond "Oh. Okay." and leave it there. I had heard passing derogatory references (I'm guessing left-wing blogs that are anti-religion in general) to special Mormon underwear, but I was never curious enough to look into the issue until I saw Mormons getting all fussy about the subject. Then I had to know.

I suspect Romney (who is by far my favorite of the current Republican big three) already knows this, but if the issue of temple garments gets brought up in a public forum and he, instead of just chuckling, gets as offended as Hugh Hewitt, that will be it for his campaign because everyone will be talking about Mormon temple garments and there will be nothing but sacred underwear jokes on late night shows for at least a week. That will be hard to recover from.

UPDATE:

Just to clarify, saying that it was a bad idea for Hugh Hewitt to make an issue of Peggy Noonan's joke doesn't mean I actually thought the joke was funny or that I don't think it was a cheap shot.

Rating: 1.5/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (28)
Matthew Ebel - LIVE in concert
Posted by Laurence Simon at 07:47 PM | Email This

Matthew Ebel is out on tour.

Oh, and he's going to be streamed LIVE at 7:00PM Central Time tonight.

If you have no idea who he is, well, I suggest you check him out.

He's really good.

Plus, this being a somewhat right-wing conservative Christian humor site, well, Matthew has his Christian influences to his music.

Keep an ear out for "I Know You're There" - it is a kickass song.

Read More...


Rating: 1.9/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (2)
What We Think
Posted by Frank J. at 04:12 PM | Email This

John Hawkins has another poll of right-wing bloggers on the issues. The one I found most surprising is we would most want to be President if we had to choose from the Democrats' big three (Hillary, Obama, and Edwards). Check it out, yo.

Rating: 2.4/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Horrible timing. Just horrible.
Posted by sarahk at 03:56 PM | Email This

(crossposted from mountaineer musings)

I'm a huge Caller ID lover. It's the greatest creation since Fred Thompson's DNA. And before we got a digital phone, we didn't have it, so I basically never answered the phone; everything went straight to voicemail. Frank did not understand this.

FRANK J.: The phone is ringing; why don't you answer it?
SARAHK: BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S SAFE!

Then we got a digital phone after months of me needling him about cheaper phone bills.

SARAHK: Nyah nyah nyah. $40 a month for just call waiting? That's craaaaaazy!
FRANK J.: You're crazy.
SARAHK: THAT'S BESIDE THE POINT! THE DIGITAL PHONE IS $20 CHEAPER, AND WE GET ALL THE FEATURES!
FRANK J.: WILL IT SHUT YOU UP?
SARAHK: MAYBE!
FRANK J.: MAYBE'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME! LET'S SWITCH TO [THE DIGITAL PHONE]!
SARAHK: Yay Caller ID!

Frank still didn't get why I was so happy with Caller ID. He was just glad it shut me up, somewhat. I still griped when he answered the phone.

SARAHK: Who is it on the phone?
FRANK J.: Um... 800 Service.
SARAHK: Then why are you about to answer it?
FRANK J.: Because the phone's ringing.
SARAHK: Do you know anyone named 800 Service? Is that some relative I haven't met?
FRANK J.: No, but what if it's important?
SARAHK: You didn't win the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes. We've never entered. So it's either the Florida Blood Centers, a sales call, a call from the Republican party asking for donations, and until they get their act together, the answer there is a definitive NO, it's someone else asking for money, or it's the Men's Wearhouse trying to collect on that phony bill that we don't owe them. So... why did we get Caller ID if you're still just gonna answer the phone without looking?
FRANK J.: To shut you up.
SARAHK: It'll never happen. And if it's someone who knows you and needs to talk to you, they have your cell phone number.

Still he didn't get it. Until now. See, now he's home all the time, and the phone rings about ten times a day, and it's always either 800 Service, someone named Courthouse Square who always hangs up on us and seems incredibly surprised if we answer, or my mom. We answer when my mom calls, because we like her, and if we don't answer, she'll just call my cell phone anyway.

FRANK J.: I can't believe it! It's 800 Service again!
SARAHK: They want your blood. [Most times, 800 Service leaves a message saying that they would love for Frank to donate his super-awesome blood.]
FRANK J.: I can't believe they call so many times!
SARAHK: Now you know why I never answered the phone and wanted caller ID. I was home all day with the phone ringing off the hook and never knew who it was.

Well. Now Frank is completely on board with Caller ID. But occasionally we'll get a very persistent caller. For a while it was Men's Wearhouse. We got fed up, called their American number, used the "h" word with them (harassment), and funny thing -- we just got a $0 statement and a letter stating that all derogatory references have been removed from our credit report. The blood bank is another persistent one, but we understand, because Frank is a good donor and has a good blood type (I can't donate because of my epilepsy stigma, even though I've never had a convulsion or anything close to one), and with the tornadoes here last year, they really need him.

Today I decided to do something different and answer the phone. 800 Service has been calling all week and not leaving messages. The blood suckers always leave automated messages, and Men's Wearhouse is taken care of, so I wanted to know who was calling. Frank walked in the door just as this happened, so he caught the tail end of my horrible timing issue. Here's how it went. Oh, just know this: I talked to my sister for a long time last night and subsequently left the phone off the charger.

Ring! 800 Service. Again. Ok, fine. I'll just answer it.
SARAHK: Hello?
800S: Hello there! How are you doing today?
SARAHK: I'm good. How are you?
800S: I'm blessed, thank you for asking! I'm such and such from the Navy Veterans, and I have to tell you, it's great to talk to you, everyone I've talked to today has been very rude, and you sound so nice--

SARAHK: [MY PHONE WENT DEAD.] NO! COME BACK!
FRANK J.: What happened?
SARAHK: The phone went dead, and the Navy vet was saying that everyone's been rude to him all day, and he's so blessed, and I sound so nice, and then the phone went dead, and he's gonna THINK I HUNG UP ON HIM! NO!
FRANK J. [laughing]: Who was that? What did the Caller ID say?
SARAHK: 800 Service!
FRANK J. [laughing]: Why did you answer it?
SARAHK: Because I was going to tell whoever it was to stop harassing us! But it was the Navy Vets, and I would have told him no in a nice way, but now I can't because he won't call back, because he thinks I hung up on him.
FRANK J.: You have to blog that.

Frank is always getting onto me for leaving the phone off the charger, and now that Navy Vet is going to think I HUNG UP ON HIM!

I'm so ashamed.

Rating: 2.3/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (16)
Glorious Day! Fred Thompson Acknowledges Our Existence
Posted by Frank J. at 03:08 PM | Email This

Fred Thompson has a letter on PJM thanking us bloggers for all the support. I can only assume it's aimed mostly at me.

Rating: 2.0/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Underwear: Boxers, Briefs, or Temple?
Posted by RightWingDuck at 01:46 PM | Email This

Hugh Hewitt seems to have taken offense to something written by Peggy Noonan.

"While the other candidates bang away earnestly in a frozen format, Thompson continues to sneak up from the creek and steal their underwear--boxers, briefs and temple garments."

What say you IMAO readers. Do you agree or disagree?

Please sound off in this IMAO reader poll.


What did you think of Peggy's remark?
He he. Funny. Temple Garments
I find it offensive and think she should reconsider such harmful language
This is a funny joke that will be enjoyed by Mr. Romney and his wives
I have no opinion
Ja Ja. Muy Chistoso. (For Future Citizens)
  
Free polls from Pollhost.com


Rating: 2.4/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (12)
How to tell if you have a lazy Slinky
Posted by Laurence Simon at 12:06 PM | Email This

Read More...


Rating: 2.2/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (3)
Friday Catblogging
Posted by Laurence Simon at 10:15 AM | Email This

Since it's Friday, I thought I'd spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka "I-MEOW").

Not that it matters, because Jerry Falwell said that the AntiChrist was male, Jewish and alive.

I meet all three criteria, so I might as well turn in my application, right?

Anyway, it's time for... for... um... er...

Read More...


Rating: 2.4/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Friday Cat-Blogging
MPAA Adds Islam As Film-Rating Factor
Posted by Harvey at 09:35 AM | Email This

(AP) Following the Motion Picture Association of America's recent decision to take a more negative view of tobacco use in movies, the MPAA today announced that depictions of practicing Islam will also come under greater scrutiny. However, some critics said the move does not go far enough to discourage teens from taking up the degenerate religion.

MPAA Chairman Dan Glickman said his group's ratings board, which previously had considered kids wearing bomb belts in assigning film ratings, now will take into account Koran-waving and other Muslim kookiness by adults, as well.

That adds Islamic rituals to a list of such factors as sex, violence and language in determining the MPAA's G, PG, PG-13, R and NC-17 ratings.

Film raters will consider the pervasiveness of jihadist propaganda, whether it glamorizes terrorism, and the context in which the Islamic behavior appears, as in movies set before 9/11, when Islam was marginally less despicable.

Some critics of Hollywood's depictions of Muslim insanity in films have urged that movies that show any aspect of Islam be assigned an R rating, which would restrict those younger than 17 from seeing them.

"I'm glad it's finally an issue they're taking up, but what they're proposing does not go far enough and is not going to make a difference," said Tori Titus, spokeswoman for Americans Against Dhimmitude, which opposes film images of Islam that might encourage young people to start worshipping a psychotic, bloodthirsty, Mood-God.

Glickman disagreed, saying a mandatory R rating for Islam would not "further the specific goal of providing information to parents on this issue."

"Although," he added, "it might be nice to discourage film-makers from actively kissing the enemy's ass."

Islam in movies with a G, PG or PG-13 rating has been on the decline, and the "percentage of films that included even a fleeting glimpse of Imam-approved methods of slaughtering innocents declined from 60 percent to 52 percent between July 2004 and July 2006," Glickman said.

Of those films, "three-fourths received an R rating for other reasons", he said, "since it's almost impossible to depict a Muslim without also showing him happily murdering children in Allah's name."

"That means there's not a great amount of films in the unrestricted category as it stands," said Joan Graves, who heads the ratings board. "We're not saying we're ignoring the issue. We're trying the best way possible according to what we've learned from parents to give them information about what's in a film."

"In short," she summarized, "if it contains Islam, it's boring, stupid, and evil. Don't waste your money."

Descriptions on sex, violence and language that accompany movie ratings now will include such phrases as "glamorized Islam" or "filthy, murdering terrorists robotically obeying their pedophile prophet," Glickman said.

If rated today, a film such as 2005's "V for Vendetta," which features a homosexual fawning over a Koran, would have carried a "politically correct pandering to Muslims" tag but probably would have retained its PG rating because it takes place in an idyllic future where Islam has been wiped from the face of the earth, Graves said.

Titus said film raters should be as tough on Islam as they are on bad language to minimize the effects of on-screen Koran-babble on children, including her own 5-year-old daughter.

"I don't want her using bad language, but last time I checked, she's probably not going to die from that," Titus said. "If Islam becomes acceptable because of these images she sees in movies, chances are she's probably going to die early from that. Mostly likely from being stoned to death in a soccer stadium for not wearing a burka."

While Titus' group wants tougher ratings restrictions, the MPAA is not without its supporters.

"By placing this sick, twisted, maladaptive 'religion' on a par with considerations of violence and sex, the rating board has acknowledged the public-health dangers to children associated with glamorized images of a toxic and lethal belief in Islam," Barry Bloom, dean of the Harvard School of Public Health, said in a statement.

Rating: 2.4/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (7) | Newsish Fakery
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

The chupacabra is in fact the physical manifestation of Fred Thompson anger over illegal immigration. If Mexicans don't want their goats sucked dry of blood, they better respect our border.

Rating: 1.3/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (11) | Fred Thompson Facts
May 17, 2007
Notice
Posted by Desmond Imao at 04:52 PM | Email This

To match current trends, all IMAO posts will now be followed by a Spanish translation. Thank you for your continued support of this site.

Para emparejar tendencias de la corriente, todos los postes de IMAO ahora serán seguidos por una traducción española. Gracias por su ayuda continuada de este sitio.

Rating: 2.5/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (21)
Thompson/Bolton '08
Posted by Frank J. at 03:44 PM | Email This

Hear John Bolton take on a "superior Brit" BBC interviewer. Near the end, it sounds like Bolton is a moment away from yelling, "'Stache Strength!" and punching the guy through the wall.

Rating: 1.8/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (14)
With Apologies to JK Rowling
Posted by Harvey at 02:34 PM | Email This

With the imminent release of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, author J.K. Rowling has requested that people refrain from leaking any spoilers.

Sorry, lady, but I need the site traffic.

TOP TEN SPOILERS FOR HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS


10) Harry learns "visio correcto" spell and ditches those stupid Birth Control glasses.

9) Hogwarts Alumnus Day guest of honor - Gandalf!

8) Harry is shamed with a lifetime ban for betting on quidditch.

7) Snape and Hagrid - oh yes they are!

6) Final battle against Voldemort cancelled when Democrats vote to pull funding.

5) It's all a dream. Harry wakes up in his mother's basement to discover that he's just a 35-year-old nerd who nodded off during a game of D&D.

4) Malfoy and the Sorting Hat - oh yes they did!

3) Dumbledore only MOSTLY dead - revived by Miracle Max.

2) Voldemort is the name of Harry's sled.

and the #1 spoiler for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows...

Read More...


Rating: 2.5/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (17)
Movie Madness!
Posted by sarahk at 01:50 PM | Email This

I've been tagged by wRitErsbLock with a movie meme. Here are the rules, which I, of course, won't follow. I don't like rules.

Pick out ten favorite movies, then look them up at IMDb. In the overview at the top of each movie’s page, there are “Plot Keywords,” usually five of them. (Plus more, if you click the link.) Take the first five, and post them. Then the rest of us get to play movie buff and see if we can guess them.

Ok, people, no cheating and looking up the answers. Play fair. Of course, instead of ten, since ten would take about two minutes for you smartypantses to get, Frank and I went through the movies together and picked out 50 off our DVD shelves (ok, I think we don't own two on the list, but I reeeeally want #43). Here's what I want your answer format to look like, because I am nothing if not bossy:

# - Name of movie - any other comments you may want to share about the movie. It is, after all, a comments section.
You may choose whether you go through the whole list in one big comment or in separate comments so that no one looks like they answered before you even though you really typed it first but see, your comment was one big comment and no fair, they answered in little teeny comments! Do what you want, peeps. Except curse. No cursing. You know how I am! I'll post the official answers tomorrow.

Read More...


Rating: 2.7/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (28)
Parnoid Itchy-Scratchy Crawly
Posted by Frank J. at 01:44 PM | Email This

ka_lgdfgdfgdfg.jpg

Rating: 1.3/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (3)
Ron Paul - He So Crazy!
Posted by Frank J. at 12:37 PM | Email This

I first thought Ron Paul might be crazy when I saw him come out of nowhere to win the PJM straw poll months ago (currently he's not even an option in the PJM poll on my left sidebar because he didn't make 1% in a Gallup poll). Since I never heard of him, I figured his followers must have been spamming the poll. Since someone would have to be a loon to think spamming an internet poll could translate to actual support, then I figured someone with so many loony followers was probably crazy, attracting loony moths with his flame of crazy.

I was right. In the last GOP debate, he blamed America for 9/11, basically saying our policy should be dictated by the beliefs of Osama bin Laden. Since then, I looked more into Ron Paul and found other crazy beliefs.

MORE CRAZY BELIEFS OF RON PAUL

* The disappointing PS3 debut is our fault because we bombed Nagasaki.

* The unclear fate of Oceanic Flight 815 is a direct result of our occupation of Hawaii.

* The reason the local Chinese restaurant is always messing up his order is because of the actions of Charlton Heston in 55 Days at Peking.

* The reason Taco Bell menu items so much fat is because of our illegal Mexican-American War.

* Edwards's poor manicure is our fault for going into Vietnam.

Rating: 2.8/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Both Sides: Left-Wing Hate on the Internet
Posted by Desmond Imao at 10:51 AM | Email This

In reaction to the death of Jerry Falwell, there has been celebration on the left-wing side of the blogosphere. Similar things have happen when Tony Snow became ill again, with commenters and even posters in the left-wing blogosphere wishing ill will on him and his family. Is the wishing of violence and death upon those they disagree with an anomaly of the left-wing blogosphere or something indicative of a bigger problem with that culture? IMAO is proud to present the opinions of noted right-wing blogger Frank J. and respected left-wing blogger Scary Evil Monkey to give you both sides.

Conservative Bloggers Should Express Sincere Hope That Someone in Markos Zuniga's Family Will Get Cancer
By Frank J.

 I was never a fan of Jerry Falwell, but by reading all the elation on the left-wing blogosphere of his death, I can't help but think how there was no such celebration when Saddam was hung. Does anyone think they'll be this happy when Osama bin Laden dies? Absolutely not. They don't have hate for those who murder the innocent and cut off heads. No, it's people like Dick Cheney and Tony Snow they reserve such hate for, as the only "enemy" they really hate are people in America who dare have different viewpoints than them or espouse Christianity. Liberal are inhuman scum. Let me repeat that: They are scum of a non-human variety. And, like everything that isn't human, we are better off when it dies.

 In fact, I would argue that it is such a boon to America every time someone on the left-wing blogosphere dies, that it is cause for celebration. Real celebration with a keg of beer and phat tunes. Perhaps just a cheap keg of Coors Light when it's merely a comment poster or DU troll who dies, but it's certainly worth pulling out the checkbook and getting a keg of Guinness if a top left-wing blogger dies or gets a horrible, terminal illness. We should all draw strength from the suffering of these nutroots scum, and we should use that strength to party awesome hard.

 Remember how Markos Zuniga, the venomous Kos, once said "Screw Them" of contractors brutally murdered by terrorists in Iraq? I think everyone would agree with me on saying that it would be a glorious thing if he would get cancer and die painfully. In fact, it would be great -- and I'm sure other right-wing bloggers such as Glenn Reynolds, Michelle Malkin, and Jonah Goldberg would back me up on this -- if instead the person getting the cancer were someone in Zuniga's family that he deeply cared about. How cool would it be to know that Zuniga, whose viewpoints I don't care for, had to watch someone he cares about die slowly and in an extremely horrible fashion? It would be super cool. Thus, we should all wish death and disease on Zuniga's family. I'd say we should pray to Jesus for it, but He just texted me saying He doesn't want any part of this. Obviously, Jesus hasn't been reading the left-wing blogs if that's the way He feels.


I Will Eat Jerry Falwell's Eyes, Turn It Into Poo, and Throw the Poo at You
By Scary Evil Monkey

yess! happee happee day! a nother dum stoopid heelbilly neocon jue is dead! falwell bad dum christin man now ded. my freends at kos an huffy post agree dat we shood all pay proper respect to po dum ded christin heelbilly neocon jue. no how we pay respect to heem?

I EET HIS EYEBALLS! DEN I TURN THE EYEBALLS INTO POO AN I THROW THE POO AT U! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

u dum stoopid heelbilly neocon jues weel all soon be like falwell! u weel be ded with no eyes an covered in poo! we at kos and huffy post weel control merica! we keel u all with help of islamo monkey freends! dey hate dum bad christin jues like u but they like us cause dey no wee smart. dey weel join us in eeting ur eyeballs and throwing the poo at u while u run a round wondering wut happening since u no see since ur eyeballs ar now poo. u dum stoopid christin jues hoo want to yell at kos and hurt islamo monkeys deserve nothing better than to be covered in eyes made into poo. and then u die like ur hero falwell. reel problem for merica is not islamo monkeys. reel problem is that u dum stoopid heelbilly neocon jues ar alive and not ded.

now i go vote in kos poll on hoo won gop debate. ron paul only one of u hoo make sense. we agree he best. u all to dum to vote for heem which is why we hope u die like falwell and we eet ur eyes.

PREPARE TO DIE! I CAN ALMOST TASTE UR EYEBALLS NOW! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

* * * *

I hope you enjoyed this debate and hearing both sides of the issue. Please give us feedback so we here at IMAO can serve your needs better.

Rating: 2.5/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (13) | Editorials
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

Fred Thompson was originally considered for the lead to 24, but then the producers realized that, with how long it takes Fred Thompson to solve any national crisis, they'd have to rename the series 0.2.

Rating: 2.9/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (3) | Fred Thompson Facts
LOST
Posted by sarahk at 01:15 AM | Email This

S
P
O
I
L
E
R
ALERT! (crossposted from mountaineer musings)
That's enough of a warning, right? Right.
I swear. Jack thinks he's god of the island. I want someone else to say something like, "Jack, there's just one problem with your plan: you're not Sayid, and he's the only one who's been kinda sorta clear-headed about this all season... So... I wanna know what the Iraqi thinks."

I love how Jack formulated this whole plan without consulting anyone else or even telling them that they should maybe prepare for an attack. What was he worried about? Widespread panic among 40 people? Oh no! The public squares will be flooded as people scramble to eat all the Dharma crackers before Hurley gets to them!

I hope Charlie doesn't die this episode. I'm kinda starting to like him again. And I hope Locke doesn't die either, because he finally stopped acting like a weiner last episode, right before he got shot. But I'm less worried about him than I am about Charlie, because Locke has those crazy island healing powers. Save Locke, save the world!

So... this whole "they found the plane" thing... a staging by the Others or what?

Ooh, Juliet, be careful with that dynamite, remember what happened to Ardtz. Isn't that how his name was spelled? Hey, that anagrams to Dratz. Dratz indeed.

Boy, who ever wants to see a grim look from Desmond in the morning? It's like the grim reaper waking up and pointing at you and saying, "Yep, it's you today. Sorry, broothah."

Methinks Juliet (an Other) knows that Charlie is not a swim champ, since she knows everything about all the passengers. (She's an Other.)

They're coming right now?! Juliet, that liar! Oh wait. Not surprised.

Not a very good kiss between the two island kids. But they're young yet. They'll learn.

Whoa. Alex's boyfriend not experienced with guns. Don't point that thing at people!

You think the grim reaper's gonna take one for the team? "I'll get this one, broothah. Here's my scythe, I'm passing it on to you now. Take good care of it fah me."

Charlie... uh, dude. Writing down the top five moments in your life is like singing a departure song or being the best singer on American Idol. You're dooming yourself! Oh, and then he went and told the baby he loved him and got kissed by the hot girl. Doomed! I hope he at least gets a silent countdown clock at the end of the episode.

For you Melbourne, Florida, viewers: Arms stiff-as-a-board at your sides... Hi, I'm David Maus! I love to imitate him. He looks so tense.

Bernard! You can't say "Nothing's gonna happen to me" on a J.J. Abrams show! Stupid. He's dead.

Well, Rose, I suspect you're the only person who likes Jack lately. Jack's been acting like a dweeb and a wuss until about this morning.

Yay Sayid! Jack, you go lead the people to the radio tower, doctor dweebface, while I run the military operations. Or I stick bamboo under your fingernails and the fingernails of your new Other girlfriend. Yes. Go. Mmmhmm. That's what I thought.

Ha, I love Hurley. "Yeah, whatever dude, love you too." Very rushed, very quiet.

They do LOST specials more often than Hope Brady gets brainwashed by Stefano. And the Tivo description is always "Mysteries of the island are revealed."

Sorry excuse for a life, Chahhlie? You were a hobbit. What's better than that?!

So Desmond didn't see that coming? Chahhlie hitting him in the head with the paddle? Dream about that, Des!

Huh. Ok, I saw pretty much everything in the episode coming except the chicks in the Looking Glass station showing up with guns. I wonder if Des saw them coming.

Who does Jack love next week? Kate or Juliet? Or is it Sun? Rose? And will Locke show up and save the day?

Rating: 2.6/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (3) | SarahK's TV stuff
bwaaahahahahahaha!
Posted by Cadet Happy at 12:32 AM | Email This

docu0002xxx.jpg

20060819-pioneerzxc.jpg

Rating: 2.0/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (9)
May 16, 2007
Comment of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 08:27 PM | Email This

Props where it's due to reader rp for this comment:

Ron Paul was the Sanjaya of the GOP debate.

Rating: 2.8/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (2)
State of the Frank Report
Posted by Frank J. at 04:07 PM | Email This

This is the part of the blog where I write about my day for those interested.

Well, I've been busy. You may have noticed I've been less engaged on this blog; well, that's because getting a house ready to sell is not easy, and the clock is ticking since the zoo is rebuilding the monkey house. How in the world are we going to sell this house if someone looks out a window and seem damnable monkey eyes staring back at him and plotting death?

Then there was the plot by Doctor Doom was just a huge interruption. That was stressful. I don't even want to talk about that; just read whatever they wrote in that rag The Daily Bugle if you're interested.

On top of everything, I have this vague feeling that Aquaman is still alive and watching me. Isn't there a French word for that?

After trying to come up with new methods to reinforce our new faux wood blinds so they don't fall down every time someone tugs the cord, I heard the cats making those alien chirps and clicks they make when they cornered prey. They had chased a lizard under the dresser, and I decided to rescue so its corpse wouldn't turn up at an inopportune moment. I pushed away the cats who hissed angrily at me for interrupting their murderous plans and reached for the tiny lizard. The lizard opened it's mouth threateningly, but I thought that was just the little thing bluffing.

Unbeknownst to me, lizards don't bluff.

The lizard clamped down on my index finger with it's strong, toothless jaws. I yelped in surprise and drew my hand away, the lizard now dangling from my hand, still holding on tight. I quickly went outside, placed the lizard on the ground, and then had to pry its jaws open.

Needless to say, that's the last time I'll ever try and help another living creature.

Back to work. It's much to do, but SarahK tries and keep a brave face, constantly exclaiming, "Yay! Painting is fun!" Then again, the other day she tried to put leashes on the cats. That woman has gone insane, I tell you.

I can't wait until we're out of the fetid swamps of Florida and on to the promised land: Texas.

Rating: 2.4/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (18) | State of the Frank Report
I Finally Have to Ask
Posted by Frank J. at 12:40 PM | Email This

Who actually liked Falwell or Pat Robertson? I don't want to speak ill of the dead, but I've always felt like they have no actual support and the MSM just forced them upon us Christians to make us look silly. And I find nothing more blasphemous than when they made statements like "God did this because of that" as if those small minds could know anything about the motives of God.

I was trying to hold my tongue, but it's hard with all the media coverage. If anyone was wondering if I have any association with Falwell or Robertson because I'm a Christian, the answer is "No, absolutely not."

Rating: 0.8/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (45)
Slander: Obama Bad
Posted by Frank J. at 11:15 AM | Email This
Obama thinks that people with cancer are funny.
There's still a good chance that Barack Hussein Hilter Pol Pot Obama is going to be the Democrats' nominee, but I feel like I just don't know enough to ridicule him for the months ahead. He had the one slip up where he inflated a death toll by a couple orders of magnitude, but that hardly enough to peg him with for a whole campaign season. I guess this is the advantage of being an empty suit: It's really hard to ridicule someone for just for being an empty suit. I can name more things wrong about the Republican front runners than I can with him.

So, time to make things up.

BAD THINGS 'BOUT OBAMA

* Any time you get Obama talking about any subject, he starts bringing up facts about serial killers. That guy just won't stop talking about how impressive serial killers are.

* If he can't become president, Obama would like to be a telemarketer.

* Obama thinks the minimum age for snorting coke off strippers should be five.

* You don't want to hear what Obama said about your mom. It was true, but he didn't have to say it.

* Obama owns over twenty cats and his home smells weird.

* Obama plans to vote for Hillary Clinton.

Rating: 1.6/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (10) | Filthy Lies
Frank Opinions on Last Night's Debate
Posted by Frank J. at 10:08 AM | Email This

[Ed. Note: Frank J. did not actually watch any of the debate, but he read a lot of blog entries from people who did watch it.]

First off, this was a much better debate than the last one. [Ed. Note: Frank J. also didn't watch the last one.] Rudy Giuliani, after a disastrous performance in the first debate, won this one. When Ron Paul (who served as the closest thing to a Democrat to riff off of) blamed America for 9/11, Giuliani jumped right in with genuine righteous indignation. It's why we conservatives wish Giuliani were at least tolerable on the other issues so we could vote for them... you know, like he wasn't actually scanning the crowds at campaign events for babies to abort.

For the other top tier candidates, Romney totally burned McCain when he insulted McCain-Feingold to big cheers from the crowd. McCain then smashed his podium in a rage and beat Romney like a drunken sailor before turning on the audience.

For the second tier candidates, Huckabee had the line of the night with ""Instead, we had a Congress that spent money like John Edwards in a beauty shop." When asked about the jibe, Edwards said that Huckabee is "a pale-faced mealy-mouthed ninny and I hate him!"

Anyone watch the debate (or read lots of blog posts about it) and have an opinion?

UPDATE:

The Blender's poll has a clear winner. He probably did steal a lot of the spotlight with that little video.

Rating: 3.2/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (34)
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

Unbeknownst to Michael Moore, a documentary was made of the last time Fred Thompson debated a liberal blow hard. It was called Faces of Death.

Rating: 2.1/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (8) | Fred Thompson Facts
May 15, 2007
American Idol Season Yawn -- Top Three
Posted by sarahk at 11:22 PM | Email This

Two chicks and a communist walk onto a stage. No wait. I have no punchline. Scratch that.

Tonight, the judges each pick a song to sabotage someone, the producers pick a song to sabotage someone, the contestants pick a song to sabotage themselves.

01 Jordin is home in Glendale, Arizona, and the mayor tells her that Simon says (haha) to sing "Wishing on a Star" by Rose Royce. Jordin smiles big and claps and thinks, "I have no idea what that is!" Me either! Huh. So I wouldn't have thought Simon would want to sabotage Jordin with such a boring song. Was it this boring in 1977? Should I come out now and admit that R&B generally makes me want to fry all my electronics so I can't hear it? Ok, maybe my reaction isn't that violent, but it does give me the blahs. I mean, all I ask for in a song is that it have a characteristic. Any characteristic. I guess uncharacteristic is a characteristic. Ok, you win, R&B. I give up. I hate the baby doll dress. I mean, I like it in the privacy of my own home. I have one like it in lime green, actually. I wear it when Frank and I are about to, you know, DO IT. White top, colored bodice, spaghetti straps, matching undies. I like the hair, though. Cute. I can't say anything bad about the vocals, she sounded great, but the song was so change-the-station for me. RANDY: This is where I'm trying to see who's in it to win it. That was a very good vocal, kinda blah blah blah Beyonce... SARAHK: Yes, you did remind me of Stephanie Edwards. ROWDI: Woof, woof, woof. SARAHK: LOL! RANDY: Yo, that was hot. PAULA: Simon picked a good song for you. SIMON: You sang it brilliantly, Jordin. I just wish we hadn't done the weird jazz arrangement. I like the pure version of the song better. RYAN: So you didn't like the song you chose. SIMON: No, you're gay. RYAN: Were you surprised he chose that song for you? JORDIN: I had actually never heard that song before... SARAHK: No! JORDIN: So I was like "Ooooookay" but I loved it, so thank you! SARAHK: Just once, I want to hear a contestant say, "Thanks for sabotaging me. But I have two other songs tonight, and I'll try to sing the crap out of them to bring myself back from the brink that your choice got me to. Hopefully these other numskulls chose equally nondescript songs for the other two! Go Jordin!"

02 Blake is in Bothell, Washington, where his Baby Mayor tells him that Paula chose "Roxanne" by the Police for him. That's cute. Paula is having him sing about prostitution. So adorable for "family" shows. Song choice notwithstanding, commie thing notwithstanding, lemme try to opine. He looks fine, whatever. Is he trying to sing offkey, though? Maybe I haven't heard "Roxanne" in a long time, but I remember the first syllable of that sweet prostitute's name being higher in most cases than Blake is singing it. It's almost like he's singing Roxanne Lite, taking it lazy. Is it just me? Because I am thoroughly exhausted. It could be just me. RANDY: Great, great performance, I like the whole thing with the one hand on the mic stand. There were a couple of spots in there for me, and I've gotta give it an A. SARAHK: Huh. PAULA: (Seal clap.) SARAHK: Yay! And look at all your collagen and lip gloss! Yay! PAULA: You did me proud. I thought you were fantastic. You felt comfortable up there, you changed phrasing. It was good, it was fresh. SARAHK: Huh. SIMON: I'm not going to call that earthshattering, because it wasn't. SARAHK: Thank you. SIMON: The problem with that song is that you're always going to do an impression of Sting. SARAHK: That was NOT an impression of Sting. SIMON: It was good, it wasn't great. (Boos from audience.) Oh, come on, you can't say it was fantastic.

03 Melinda is in Nashville at the Governor's mansion, it would seem, and the Governor says, "I don't receive any faxes that start with 'Check it out.' Nice, Randy. And Randy can't even refrain from name-dropping in his fax to the governor. The song is from one of the greatest singers in the known world, "and I've worked with her before." Melinda is singing "I Believe in You and Me" by Whitney Houston. Have you, Randy? Have you worked with your pal Whitney? Then, this is my favorite part, the Governor misreads Randy's name as "Randy Johnson." Hahahahaha. Maybe he's a baseball fan. He quickly corrects himself. Then, this is one of the reasons I love Melinda, Melinda smiles at the camera and says, "Thank you, Randy Johnson." Yes, thank you for Melinda's song choice. You're the only one who picked a good song. Melinda's hair looks great. I think she's wearing Jordin's hair from last week. I've wanted to hear her sing a balladish type song, and I knew she would do well. This is great. There's a spot at the end where she almost has a little bit of trouble on the long, low note, but she pulls it out. Best of the night so far. Oh, and Frank was reading The Corner earlier for debate news and told me that K-Lo said Blake won round one... So they must have had a side game of Rock Paper Scissors going tonight, right? Because his offkey, lazy, half-rendition of the prostitute song was not half as good as Melinda's first outing, and while Jordin was boring and wearing some of my lingerie, she was technically much better than Blake. K-Lo, I don't like calling out other people on their opinions, because that's just what they are--opinions--but to quote Randy's good friend Whitney, crack is whack. RANDY: Check it out. I wanted to throw a little difficulty at you. I figured if you could do this song, you deserve to get the grand prize. You blew it out the box. SARAHK: What box? What does that mean? RANDY: You rose to the occasion, I liked that little falsetto thing. Well done. PAULA: Melinda, you were fantastic, amazing. And I think one of your best performances this season. SIMON: Very very difficult song to sing. I think it was one of your best performances in the last four weeks. SARAHK: Agreed. SIMON: And round one goes to Melinda. SARAHK: No doubt. And winner of Judges Pick the Songs this year is Randy Johnson! Go Big Unit!

Ha. Ryan is impersonating Randy's yeah yeah yeahs, and Simon asks if he is drunk. "No, I'm totally sober. And totally straight. Unlike you." "No, you're gay!"

Read More...


Rating: 1.6/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (14) | American Idol
24 Day 6 -- 3 a.m. to 4 a.m.
Posted by sarahk at 09:29 PM | Email This

Yeah, we watched Heroes and got ready to deflea the house last night instead of watching 24. But we're watching it now, and then we'll watch American Idol after we eat. I can't fully blog AI and eat. AI blogging is way too involved, dawg.

See, Morris was brave enough to step up and cover up Milo with the jacket because Morris is probably toasted. Chloe was right all along. And wow, Mrs. Petrelli! Your super-secret mutant power is not shutting up!

I don't know. If a terrorist tells you "We're moving you to a secure room, do what we tell you and you won't be hurt," I'm not so sure I'm trusting that guy to feed me Wheaties and let me call home.

"We're moving you in two groups. Group One, on your feet. You're through to the next round. Group Two, I'm sorry. Hollywood week ends for you here. You're all winners for making it this far."

Hey, that was pretty cool, but where was Chloe in that big fight scene with Jack, Nadia (Yassir), and Morris? I guess she was in Group Two. They've really ruined her great character this year. She was great with one-liners, great with guns and taking out bad guys, and now even when she has a chance to be Chloe, she shows up at the end of the scene with "That was really brave." What, is she gonna turn out to be a mole or something? Yawn.

Wow, finally an action-packed day. Until now, I felt like I was watching a twenty-four hour real-time serial about a guy named Ivan Denisovich. I mean, yeah, I loved that book, but can you imagine watching him eat a bowl of soup for an hour? If you've watched most of this season, then the answer is yes!

"Lisa Miller is spying for the Russians?" "No, the man she's romantically involved with is." "Who, you?"

How does Lisa's boyfriend not see the camera that he keeps staring at?

Aaaaaaand there she is going crazy, and here we are EXACTLY at Season One. Only he didn't die. I guess that's one difference? Whatever.

Oooh. Crazy Old Man Bauer totally just that'll do lil pig'd Chang.

Mary Lynn Rajskub totally looks beaten down that she's even in this season. And that new Division guy looks just like Brian Williams. His looks alone are an error in judgment. Even Nadia puts (Yassir) after her name when she tells people her name. She even says it like that. "This is Nadia (Yassir)."

Maybe Josh isn't Jack's son. Maybe he's Jack's dad's son. And that's why he's "his legacy."

Hey Russia. You're about to tick us off. You should back the heck down before we shove some well-placed circuitry down your communist throats. You're not dealing with President Waynewreck anymore. VPOTT has actual testosterone and would probably retaliate, dipstick.

It's good the serial number of the component was flashing on Bisquick's PDA, because that made it easier for we, the viewers, to see that it agreed to the number Crazy Old Man Bauer said it would be.

As soon as Jack told Josh to wait over there, I'll meet you in the car, I said, "No, don't do that..." Dumb kids, never listen to me.

Man I have a headache. The kids on American Idol better sing on key tonight.

Oh, it looks like Chloe is unconscious in next week's two-hour finale. Apparently, she is that bored with her character this season, too. Mary Lynn, we know it's not your fault. It's the writers'. Hey, we heard on Laura Ingraham's show today (while we were driving down A1A with two cats and a dog, yes, we're that stupid) that she has a walk-on role next week. So look out for that.

Rating: 3.1/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (1) | 24
Know Thy Enemy: Jerry Falwell
Posted by Laurence Simon at 02:25 PM | Email This

After weeks and months of research, much to the detriment of my IMAO posting duties, I've been working on what should be the greatest of all Know Thy Enemy posts ever posted on IMAO.

I had a few minor corrections to make, some sources to check in with, but I believe my magnum opus is finally complete.

That's right: the subject of this Extra Special Know Thy Enemy from IMAO's Token Jew is the so-called "Reverend" Jerry Falwell, founder of the Moral Majority, leveraged buy-out conqueror of Jim Bakker's faltering PTL group, Christian Zionist for Rapture purposes and not the right for Jews to have their own state, and enemy of all cartoon characters purple.

So, here we go!

JERRY FALWELL

  • Born in-

CNN: Rev. Jerry Falwell dead at 73

Aw, crap.

Read More...


Rating: 2.1/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (21) | Know Thy Enemy
It's a Bad Thing If Fred Thompson Knows Your Name
Posted by Frank J. at 01:49 PM | Email This

Fred Thompson responds to Michael Moore with this short video.

UPDATE:

Though the response is cool, what's remarkable is how quick he put it out considering Moore's jab came out today.

Rating: 3.3/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (16)
Frank Disscussions: Rep. Tom Tancredo
Posted by Frank J. at 11:06 AM | Email This

So far, the presidential campaigns have been pretty good at not allowing me to get any questions through to the candidates, but the Tom Tancredo campaign failed in this manner. Still, only four of my questions made it to the candidate (I had many more, including ones about the Mexi-Cannon and whether he would keep nukes on the table in our dealings with the moon).

BTW, I heard Rep. Tom Tancredo yesterday on the Laura Ingraham show talking about how he would use the threat to nuke Mecca to discourage Islamists. That actually gave SarahK pause, and you have to be really extreme to give SarahK pause ("Cutting the feet off of illegal immigrants is a great idea! Yay!"). Still, I guess extremism in fighting terrorists is no vice.

Here's the interview (or at least all the questions I got through to him):

Q. There has been much talk about a fence to keep out illegal immigrants, but it has been shown by scientists time and time again that humans can climb fences. Do you propose stronger methods to end illegal immigration?

Fences do work. In California, there was "Operation Gatekeeper" in 1994, where a 14-mile fence was erected along the San Diego-Tijuana corridor and, consequently, the number of illegal aliens crossing fell by 98 percent. In addition to fences, I will eliminate benefits and job prospects for illegal aliens so they do not stay.

Q. The Democrats' plan for the war in Iraq is failure. Are you so arrogant as to say you have a better plan?

I have confidence, not ego. America's noble sacrifice has purchased Iraqis a precious opportunity for democratic change; it is now up to them to ensure success. Setting the President's 'November benchmark for shifting control' as an actual timetable for disengagement will let regional powers and Iraqi factions cooperate to forge a new balance of power.

Q. What are your favorite blogs?

Well, my blog, of course - http://teamtancredo.typepad.com

[Ed. Note: I told him to say "IMAO." Do we really want someone as president who won't do what I tell him?]

Q. Finally, do you have a message for our nation's youth?

You are never too young to get involved with the political process. We need more young people committed to the cause of this great nation.

--

You can see Rep. Tancredo in the Republican Presidential Debate tonight on FOX News.

Rating: 2.4/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (9) | Frank Discussions
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

There's a UN council that focuses on finding ways to protect countries from the wrath of Fred Thompson. Their solution: Nuke selves.

Rating: 2.0/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (6) | Fred Thompson Facts
One of Those "Why Didn't *I* Think of That?" Moments
Posted by Harvey at 07:52 AM | Email This

Carbon Debits - a service that kills trees to offset carbon offsets.

[Hat tip: Graumagus of Frizzen Sparks]

Rating: 4.1/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (7)
May 14, 2007
Now I'm Going to Miss Her
Posted by Frank J. at 01:37 PM | Email This

When Rosie O'Donnell leaves The View, who is going to inform us about such things as the Giuliani/China 9/11 Conspiracy? It certainly won't be for, as you all know, I'm just not that creative.

It's nice to see that Hasselbeck did some research since the last time this was brought up. I hope she stays true to her threat to get the Popular Mechanics guys on the show for The Big National 9/11 Conspiracy Debate (featuring Rosie O'Donnell). After they figure out whether the U.S. government bombed itself and framed Saudis to get us into an illegal war with Iraq, they can explore whether the Holocaust actually happened or did the Jews kill themselves and framed the Germans to get us into an illegal war with Japan.

Rating: 2.4/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (16)
Blogging will be light today...
Posted by Laurence Simon at 12:13 PM | Email This

Apparently, a Jewish holiday is in the planning stages.

(Maybe Comatose Qaddafi and Comatose Ariel Sharon can have a summit?)

Rating: 3.2/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Aren't They Supposed to Attack Things Towards Mecca Five Times a Day?
Posted by Frank J. at 11:28 AM | Email This

I think the Fort Dix terror plot has reminded us that we aren't taking terrorism seriously. Then again, since the terrorists were caught because they were in a Circuit City parking lot arguing who should make a copy of their jihad videotape (BTW, anyone got to see that yet? It should be funny), I guess the terrorists need to take terrorism more seriously too.

This is where we citizens concerned about terrorism get a bit confused. One of the reasons we're concerned is because terrorism doesn't seem that hard. If someone want to run into a crowded area and start shooting people or if they want to plant and set off a pipe bomb, it seems nearly impossible to stop them. Yet, for the five and half years since 9/11, terrorists just haven't been able to pull it off. Crazy people can randomly kill lots of people, but those motivated by the will of Allah can't quite make it happen. Of course, as I write this I'm afraid their going to pull off some huge attack in one of our cities and make this not so funny anymore, but we've been afraid of that to no end since the day after 9/11. Fifty years from now I'll be shaking my old man fist and yelling, "They'll come any day now! Just you watch! Ahh! My hip!"

So why has there not been a successfully attack on American soil by Al Qaeda or some other Islamic crazy fun club?

POSSIBLE REASONS MORE TERRORISM HAS NOT BEEN SUCCESSFUL IN THE US

Doesn't this guy look like he could do anything if he put his mind to it (except grow a decent beard)?
* Too Much Bureaucracy in Al Qaeda: Yeah, they could cause terror by just running out and shooting people, but if they want to get repaid for the bullets and automatics, they have to fill out a bunch of forms which then have to go to some cave in Pakistan to get approval. All this give American intelligence plenty of time to get expense approval for rounding up the terror cell since our inter-office mail works a lot quicker.

* They're Idiots: Why don't we have supervillians in real life? Because of capitalism. Anyone smart enough to become a supervillian can easily make lots of money legitimately. Same problem with smart terrorists. Anyone Al Qaeda gets over here to attack us with half a brain is probably soon going to find more fulfilling things to do with his time than blow himself up. You try and overthrow America using the world's biggest losers.

* Too Busy Fighting Our Military Overseas: Maybe the whole idea of fighting them over there so we don't fight them here actually works. I thought it was just government propaganda too, but where did all the terrorists go? The answer: Iraq!

* Too Scared of Mexicans: The terrorists are racist and scared of Mexicans (who isn't? I shudder every time I see that Ducky has posted). They're too frightened to attack us while Mexicans are flooding across the border. As soon as we solve the illegal immigration problem, that's when the terrorists will get the courage to attack. Tom Tancredo will kill us all!

* Homeland Security Alert Levels Actually Work: You may laugh at the Homeland Security Alert Levels, but every time the terrorists see it go from yellow to orange, they exclaim, "They're on to us! Trash the plans!" They're just waiting for it to finally drop from yellow to blue to really hit us (little secret: It's never ever going down to blue).

* President Bush Is Too Busy to Orchestrate New Terror Attacks Against America and Blame It on Saudis: Since we all know President Bush is actually behind the 9/11 attack, maybe he just hasn't had enough time to build new conspiracies against his own country with the war in Iraq (and thus, once again, the war in Iraq really has saved us from more terrorism).

* Saving Energy for Super Giant Attack: When I asked SarahK why she thinks we haven't had a big terrorist attack in so long, the theory she gave while cleaning the cat vomit off the shotgun (the cats have the entire house to throw up hairballs in and they choose the loaded shotgun under the bed; they really are trying to kill me) is that all these little unsuccessful attacks are just distractions while they plan some superhuge attack that will come any day now. It's going to be like 24 except worse (they're not just going to attack L.A.). Any day now, they'll get us by surprise and then we'll be under sharia law before we know it and I'll be fined if I don't beat my wife (and SarahK will shoot me in the face if I do beat her, so damned if I do, damned if I don't).

* We're Protected by Aquaman: After 9/11, Aquaman vowed to do everything he can to defend America, and as insane as the terrorists are, they won't dare cross Aquaman, master of the seas. As soon as Black Manta (a prison convert to Islam) takes care of Aquaman, though, all bets are off.

* Summer Blockbusters: A big disadvantage of destroying America is that then the terrorists won't get to see the big summer blockbuster movies. Like maybe for the past couple years the terrorists have been saying, "Let's not destroy America until we at least get to see the Pirates of the Caribbean sequels; Jack Sparrow is awesome and his vague sexuality intrigues me." After this summer, they'll be all set to destroy America, but then one of the terrorists will say, "You know, next summer the next Batman movie is coming out, and it's going to have the Joker. Maybe we should wait until 2009." And thus Hollywood liberals really are our saviors!

* America God Much More Powerful than Allah: Allah keeps coming over here to lead his followers to victory, but then America God, the one true God, gives Allah a wedgie and shoves his head in the toilet. As a result, his followers become confused and accidentally run into walls and fall unconscious right on the steps of the local FBI building.

Rating: 2.8/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

When Fred Thompson throws a cat, it always lands on its head.

Rating: 1.1/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (13) | Fred Thompson Facts
May 13, 2007
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 11:32 AM | Email This

Fred Thompson not only doesn't add cream or sugar to his coffee, he doesn't add water.

Rating: 2.3/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (14) | Fred Thompson Facts
May 12, 2007
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 10:36 AM | Email This

Rumor has it that Tom Bombadil is in fact an early Fred Thompson.

Rating: 2.1/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (15) | Fred Thompson Facts
May 11, 2007
Friday Cat Blogging
Posted by Cadet Happy at 04:32 PM | Email This

newest member of Biden 2008 campaign
bidenaa.jpg

Rating: 4.2/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (17)
Friday Cat Blogging
Posted by Frank J. at 03:47 PM | Email This

I'm going to fill a bucket with water and see if I can teach my cat to swim.


That chair cost me over two hundred dollars. Time to swim!

Rating: 2.8/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

Fred Thompson has never been confused by anything that has happened on Lost.

Rating: 2.3/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (20) | Fred Thompson Facts
May 10, 2007
Event MArred by Black-Tie on Black-Tie Violence
Posted by RightWingDuck at 06:20 PM | Email This

The Boston Pop’s Opening Orchestral concert was marred last night by black-tie on black-tie violence. According to sources at the event, the Marauding Mozarts clashed with their rival gang the Bustin’ Beethovens.

Said one witness, “At first, they were bashing each other without rhyme or reason. However, after a while, they picked up the pace to a nice bouncy Allegro.”

The Reverend Al Sharpton today denounced the black-tie on black-tie violence. He stated, “I want to ask Mitt Romney why the Mormon church went such a long time without playing classical music. How does he explain that?”

Updates will be available as they develop.

Rating: 2.2/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (7)
The Democrats' Big Problem
Posted by Frank J. at 12:41 PM | Email This

Many, if not most, of those who will be voting in Democratic primary believe blacks are an inferior race, or at least, that more studies should be made about that possibility.

That to me is the moral equivalent of what the Democrats face with their Truther problem. Those who deep down believe that the government caused 9/11 or let it happen or at least as morally invidious as passionate racists. While we have a freedom of speech, there are some views that any moral man or woman should loudly condemn when they come up.

The problem is that, since Thruthers makes up such a large segment of the politically motivated Democrat base, if a Democratic candidate said to the Truthers what is deserved to be said to them, it would greatly hurt his or her chances in the primary. I find it hard to believe with all the pictures I've seen of Truthers holding signs up at campaign rallies that any could be ignorant of this problem, yet Edwards seemed to be caught off guard when asked a question by one of these losers (I think "losers" is the best description as what motivates conspiracy theorists is that they can't find importance in their own life so they seek it in fantasy).

So, with the widespread, blame-America first views that infect the Democratic Party, what is a Democrat to do? Convincing hardcore Truthers the silliness of their views is not an option because facts do not faze their belief system ("Fire can't melt steel!"). The Democrats are left with the option to patronize these people ("Sure. We'll have some investigation into whether the Negro race is advanced enough to coexist with whites.") and hope the views don't spread or you can publicly and loudly shame these people until they fear speaking their views in a public forum. Again, such condemnation could alienate a large number of Democrats who are planning to vote in the primary, but it's what the country needs even if it's not good for the campaign. Also, it would be presidential.

Rating: 2.4/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (32)
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

Fred Thompson has on multiple occasions solved problems like Maria.

Rating: 3.7/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (22) | Fred Thompson Facts
May 09, 2007
American Idol Season Yawn - Top Four
Posted by sarahk at 08:46 PM | Email This

Ok, so I'm a day behind on Idol. Big whoop. Last night was a big whoop night anyway. Maybe I'll get tonight's recap up by late tonight, or maybe it'll be up tomorrow. Don't tell me who the big loser is tonight! (I'm guessing Kiki and her giant boobies, which she unbridled anew last night. Yes, that's my official prediction: LaKisha and her enormous milk canisters and even more enormous ego -- HE'S BARRY GIBB! LISTEN TO HIM! -- go home tonight. Word to your mothers. And if it's not her, it's Comrade Blahk. Eastern Blahk, that is. Haaaaaa, I'm hilarious. You know it. Laugh.) BTW, LaKisha? Nothing but a panderer.

Anyway, on with last night. Let's pretend I'm just now watching for the first time.

Hey y'all! Blake looks like a communist in headlights as the only guy left in the running this year. Is that Judge Judy in the audience? It totally looks like her. Ryan says it's important to vote. And you know what? He's right, because Joey and Kym were in the bottom two last night? What?? And it's true, I forgot to vote. Ian and Cheryl danced to that commie song! Not to mention that Ian isn't even in the same league with Joey or Laila or Apolo O-Yes (whoa). The clear top two are Apolo and Julianne and Joey and Kym. Laila and Maks are third (sorry, but she has total spaghetti arms, and his choreography is not nearly as inventive! Plus, he totally tried to snake Mike Modano's girl last year, so I don't like him. Boo.), and Ian and Cheryl are fourth. I guess there are a lot of thirty-something gay guys out there who LOVED 90210 still voting for Ian and Cheryl. It's the only explanation. I mean, you saw Cheryl's face when they were not in the bottom two, right? She was like, "Holy crap! I want a recount! Did you even see the way this guy holds onto me like I'm a mildewy rag he's taking to the hamper? 'Ew, ew, ew, it's a woman, get it off me!' Are you sure we're not in the bottom two? They show his hair on TV, right?"

/DWTS tangent

So tonight they sing twice. I was wrong, Frank was right. And it's Barry Gibb night. Yes, yes, yes. I LOVE the BeeGees and all forms of any Gibb anywhere.

OH! Seriously (not to say that my talk about loving Gibbs is not serious, because peeps, it IS serious, just ask my mom, who got me hooked, Jordin), I was painting or cleaning the kitchen last night when the show was on, i.e., not looking at the screen, and when they played the BeeGees hit parade, I happily listened until "How Deep is Your Love" came on. And it sounded soooo. Verrrrrry. 'NSYNC. I know the period thing is so. two. years ago. But it was warranted there, I promise. I almost knocked myself out trying to run to the TV. THEY WORKED WITH 'NSYNC? How did I miss it? No, it was the BeeGees alone. Awesome.

"We're living in a world of fools..." Enough with the Sanjaya jokes, ok? It's over.

And when did Barry Gibb decide that he's Sean Connery? I could not get over it last night. Every time he spoke, I would bust into some James Bond line or other poor Connery impression. Frank eventually jumped into the game, too, even though he was painting the guest room. It looks great, btw. The color is so rich in there! And you look out the window, and there's a palm tree. I'm not a big fan of palm trees. But it looks pretty, and I hear Floridians love them.

01 Melinda's first song is "Love You Inside and Out," which Barry was confused by, because it's supposed to be a falsetto man song, and she isn't going falsetto on it. Eventually he says she pulls it off, but I don't see her shining on this. Mebbe, mebbe neh. Melinda says her goal is to take a group song and make it work in a solo. Uhhhhh... that's so unusual on American Idol? Didn't you have to do it just last week on Bon Jovi week? Anyway, I heart her, so I don't want to bag on her too much. She looks great. Dark jeans, modest funky cool black blouse, black boots, cool jewelry, okay hair. She does fine on the song, but she's not stretching herself or going for it or anything. I don't feel like she's putting herself out there like she's Kiki's boobies or Haley's hoo-hah or Seacrest's ambiguity. RANDY: Another solid performance. I don't know if I was jumping up and down. SARAHK: Did you feel any jiggling movements? That's how I can tell if I'm jumping up and down. Mainly my thighs and boobs start to hurt. We probably feel it in the same places. RANDY: But you know, it was good. PAULA: You know, it's hard to critique you, because your vocals are spot on. We want to say whoa whoa whoa whoa. You're consistent. SARAHK: Kind of like Pauler with the collagen and vodka. And wow, check out the eyeshadow on her tonight. SIMON: I think what Pauler was attempting to say was that was she wasn't that impressed by it. You know, four people left... I expect incredible tonight. SARAHK: Hahahahahaha. Jordin and Melinda are the only ones who aren't generally predictable, and Melinda is in danger of becoming boring. SIMON: That was not incredible. That was more of a backing vocalist's performance. You are better than that. Luckily, you've got a second song. RYAN: Paula, is that what you were trying to say? PAULA: It's good that I'm short and succinct, because we're going to go over tonight because of him. SARAHK: Usually aren't you the warble gooby deedler? SIMON (to Ryan with glee): You just got cut off by the music. SARAHK: Boof on you! In your face! Oh, snap! Y'all, it's gettin' hot up in here.

02 Comrade Blahk Ilyich Lewis is up next, and he is singing "You Should Be Dancing." Barry says the beatboxing really suits the song, because there's a breakdown area in the song. Ouch, right off the bat, we have issues. We now have white skunk tiger stripes in Comrade Blahk's black hair, and I cannot take this joke seriously. He's kidding, right? And he's wearing flowers on his jacket. And some kind of priest collar. With the flowers. I'm pretty sure that's a girl jacket. I think this week he is definitely trying for the Yoko look. If he comes in with little round glasses tonight or next week if (shudder) he's back, we'll know for sure that he is trying to be a Yoko Ono knockoff. The song isn't too bad, except the very first note, which is way off-key. I don't know, dawg, the falsetto on this was actually a'ight, and the skipping and whatnot was ok, but the overall effect just was way too... misguided, Arrested Development fans. Misguided. Mr. F. RANDY: Sometimes when you do the beatboxing it works. Tonight it didn't work. Just keepin' it real. This song didn't need any of that. I just felt like I was in some weird discotheque in some foreign country. SARAHK: *cough* Germany *cough* SIMON: Germany. SARAHK: Ha. PAULA: I have a different take on that. I think it started a little off. Your pitch was off. You didn't have the best night. You showed why you're unique and why you're on that stage. SARAHK: You had quite a lot of criticisms, so why not just tell him that he showed why he should go home? CRICKETS: *chirp* SARAHK: Too mean for Pauler? Oh yeah. SIMON: I'll give you unique. And I know that this is a matter of personal taste, but I thought that that was a terrible performance. MUSIC: Do doot do doot do doot do doot... SIMON: I haven't finished. SARAHK: Mr. Gorbachev, TEAR DOWN THIS WALL!

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Rating: 2.4/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (5) | SarahK's TV stuff
24 this week!
Posted by sarahk at 03:16 PM | Email This

Hey y'all. I've started the AI post for last night, but I've been painting all day, and on my lunch break, Frank is making me watch the inanity that is Day Six of 24. My prediction for this week's episode: Nadia (Yassir) is a mole, and "Audrey" is really Anna Espinosa.

I'll update this post if I have snark. I don't even care about this show this season. Not after they killed Rico Suave.

Oh look! I have snark. Lisa Miller is such a generic, white bread name. Hi, I'm Jane Smith, and I've been unknowingly committing treason. And isn't the Lisa Miller plot the same plot from season one where that girl from Palmer's camp was sleeping with that terrorist guy? Don't go rendezvouz with him, Lisa! You'll second-degree-murder the only lead to the leak inside the beltway!

Nadia said, "If Chang gets out of the country with the component, Russia will hold us responsible and will strike back at us." That should have been followed by, "And we will be forced to obliterate Russia." Translated roughly, "If we do not get the component back from Chang, Russia will be forced to commit a violent suicide."

So... are Nadia (Yassir) and Doylie an item or something? They sure are having a lot of "moments." My eyes are going to pop out, they're rolling so hard.

Jack says "please" A LOT. He did that even before the Chinese got ahold of him, right?

"The objective is to obtain The Package."

Seriously, are we looking for a Rambaldi device? I really wish I hadn't seen the previews. I wouldn't know what The Target was. CTU? :-O Too bad Rico Suave and Soul Patch Tony aren't around to help out. But at least they have one badpinkytoe on the premises.

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Rating: 3.5/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (11) | 24
Reader Challenge
Posted by Frank J. at 03:00 PM | Email This

This is pretty funny:

Andrew Sullivan of Instapundit questions Parsons choice of metaphor, seeing as how the Sioux nation ultimately lost the war.

Here's your challenge (yeah, it is a lot easier when you write your own humor): Complete this sentence

"Confusing Andrew Sullivan with Glenn Reynolds is like confusing Frank J. with..."

Rating: 2.0/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (46)
Obama Confuses 12 and 10,000
Posted by RightWingDuck at 01:21 PM | Email This

obamacafe1.JPG

Rating: 4.0/5 (1 vote cast)

Comments (15)
Not Good with the Numbers
Posted by Frank J. at 11:06 AM | Email This

Now that Obama inflated a death toll from 12 to 10,000 (that's like a Hillary Clinton futures investment type increase), I'd take his statement on how much money he's raised with a grain of salt.

So, let's all play psychologist! Why would he accidentally inflate a death toll? Would it be because he was hoping for a higher death toll to better make his point? One thing I've learned from the past years with the craziness about information about Katrina and the constant troop death "milestones" in Iraq and all the insane numbers on civilians killed there, Democrats seem to get a hard on for high death tolls.

Rating: 1.8/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (21)
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

Fred Thompson understands women.

Rating: 2.5/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (29) | Fred Thompson Facts
May 08, 2007
John Edwards Tries to Learn About Poverty: Takes Job Peddling Crack.
Posted by RightWingDuck at 08:08 PM | Email This

John Edwards announced today his next step in understanding poverty. Previously, he took time between runs at the presidency to work at a Hedge Fund.

"Asked if he had to join a hedge fund to learn about financial markets, Edwards replied, "How else would I have done it?" "

That's the type of man John Edwards is. The type of man who gets his hands dirty. That's why his next step is to jump in and understand how difficult it is for young men of color to make a living.

Said Edwards, "When I went to work for Fortress Investment Group I was hoping to understand the roots of poverty. Unfortunately, the only thing I discovered is that nobody wanted to join me at lunch getting a haircut (something about it being the cost of a car note, whatever that is) and nobody in the next limo ever seemed to have any Grey Poupon. I blame the Bush economy and the Iraq war's disastrous effects on our economy."

John Edwards will be standing on street corners hawking his wares. If all goes well, he'll not only make money, but make more valuable inroads into today's celebrity community.

johnsnewjob.jpg


Above: A completely unretouched picture of John Edwards working his street corner.

Rating: 4.0/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (9)
By the Way
Posted by Frank J. at 06:32 PM | Email This

I'm working on a version of the Mexi-Cannon that will rid us of lawyers. It will be twice as powerful and you aim it at the ground.

Rating: 2.8/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (16)
Disneyland Gaza?
Posted by Laurence Simon at 02:05 PM | Email This

Well, folks, I've been busy dealing with preparations for the Grand Opening of Disneyland Gaza, but I think I'm at a point where I can let y'all know about it without ruining the big announcement.

Of course, our Western Values need to be toned down a bit for the rambunctious and peppy Arabic/Islamic Market, so the Big Mouse himself needed a little touching up.

You know, like Sesame Street characters need done in various global markets (NOTE TO SELF - Never share sewing needles when patching up the South African muppets).

Anyway, here's that old mouse you know and love, improved for the kiddies of Gaza and shown on Al-Aqsa TV:

(Al-Aqsa Television, a wholly-owned property of the Hamas Terrorist Organization and Grill, is suffering the same fate of our own culture's MTV... I remember when the Al in Al-Aqsa meant something, darn it!)

We're a little concerned with the mis-translation there, because mice often live in holes in walls, so the use of the word "glory" there might send the wrong message.

The best part of this costume is - all we have to do to make a Gaza Minnie is to cover a spare Mickeyhammed Mouse suit in a big black burkah. Saves time, effort and money!

Of course, it's not just a bunch of Israel's Most Wanted, running around in big rubberhead costumes hiding in plain daylight, smuggling weapons in their suits. No, we've also got attractions that the whole family (well, the ones not martyred yet) can enjoy:

  • Land-Pirates of the Mediterranean (boats full of Jews arriving from Europe post-Holocaust)

  • Mission To Tel Aviv (Strap yourselves into a bomb belt and get ready for a wild taxi-ride to Tel Aviv... and ultimately, Paradise!)

  • Haunted Bulldozed Mansion (with Holo-Martyr technology!)

  • Cinderella's Smuggling Tunnel (will the bomb-belt fit?)

  • Hall of Palestinian Presidents (Yasser stands up, yells at Christiane Amanpour on his cell phone, and hands up petulantly)

  • The It-Doesn't-Matter-What-Agreements-We-Signhorn (Technology courtesy of Oslo)

  • Mr. Roed-Larsen's Wild Ride (Spin, spin, spin, spin your dizzying diplomatic gestures!)

  • 20,000 Leagues Under The C-4

(There's more, but I don't want to ruin all the surprises)

We were going to build a Gaza Epcot, but the natives kept vandalizing the hydroponic farms and the only Western nation who wanted to build around the Cesspool Of Terror Facilitating Nations was Norway.

Oh, and we're still trying to work the bugs out of the nightly fireworks shows. Seems that they keep raining down on Sderot and just barely missing the civilian population there.

I keep telling the engineers to fix that, and they keep threatening to kidnap me and hold me for ransom. Ha ha ha... they're such tough negotiators here!

Anyway, watch the news, and get ready for an E Ticket to Paradise!

Rating: 1.8/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (11)
If You Had to Vote for a Democrat
Posted by Frank J. at 11:36 AM | Email This

Let's say you get to the voting booth on the primary day and find that you errantly registered yourself as a Democrat. Who should you vote for? Well, there seems to be three serious candidates... but one is John Edwards who, for all intents and purposes, is a little girl. Thus, let's focus on Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama.

HILLARY VERSUS OBAMA

HONESTY
Hillary: Most likely has forgotten the truth on most things by now.
Obama: Has yet to been asked a question and thus given the opportunity to lie.

For all we know, Obama might be an honest person (that could even be a campaign slogan: "Obama: He might be honest!"). Then again, Carter was honest. Still, on this issue, it's easily advantage Obama.

EXPERIENCE
Hillary: Co-ran a presidency. Served more than one full-term in the Senate for one of America's most highly populated states.
Obama: Pushed a yes or no button when prompted for two years now.

This is a hard one. Hillary has experience, but it's experience being a screechy, mommying fascist. Obama has no experience, so who knows how he'll do if given any responsibility. So it comes down to the evil you know versus... smiley. I call this one a toss up.

He'll smile our enemies away.
EVIL
Hillary: Pure evil. Babies cry when she's near. Obama: Goofy. He looks like the black version of Laurel from Laurel and Hardy. Babies laugh when they see him.

Not even Hillary's supporters deny that Hillary is pure evil. Then again, maybe these times call for evil to be used against our enemies. Still, I have to side with not evil. Advantage Obama.

PAST
Hillary: Shady land and futures deals. Drank the blood of children.
Obama: Raised to kill Americans in Indonesia. Snorted blow off hookers.

The past is in the past, man, so I'd say let all this go. Still, Obama has more to give people pause. He could easily get rid of some nasty rumors simply by eating bacon at a campaign stop and exclaiming, "Man! I loves my bacon!" Right now, advantage Hillary.

NAME
Hillary: Maiden name kinda rhymes with "Saddam."
Obama: Middle name is Saddam's name. Last name easily confused for "Osama."

Seems superficial, but it's right to scrutinize every aspect of who may represent America. Thus, while we're fighting the evil of Osama bin Laden, do we really want a leader people are going to keep accidentally calling "President Osama"? It's like electing a "President Bitler" during WWII. Also, Obama's first name always makes me think of the Mortal Kombat character who has a big smiley mouth full of sharp teeth and two larges blades that comes out his arms... and I never cared for that character. Then again, Hillary has the same last name as a known sex offender. Still, advantage Hillary.

PIONEERING
Hillary: A woman; we've never elected a woman president before... but do we really want to?
Obama: He's black... but not "authentically" black (so some black people say to uncomprehending whites).

If you look at the pictures of presidents, it's a bunch of angry white men. Maybe it's time for the presidency to look more like America. So, what more important: racial or gender diversity? Well, if we go historically, blacks were given the vote before women, so they should get the presidency before women. Plus all races agree: Women are crazy and emotional. Advantage Obama.

WAR
Hillary: Most warmongering of the Democrat presidential candidates (i.e., doesn't run crying from G.I. Joe action figures).
Obama: Says he would have voted against war because that was the popular answer when someone asked.

If any major conflict happens, I expect Obama to wet his pants as quickly as any other Democrat. Hillary will most likely lash out with a fiery, screechy vengeance. Advantage Hillary.

* * * *

To me, this is a hard choice. Hillary scares me, but maybe America needs a scary president right now. Then again, maybe harmless Obama would do less damage to America and could be bullied into action when needed. If you had to choose between the two, who would you pick?

Rating: 2.8/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (29)
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 09:32 AM | Email This

Fred Thompson kills at least one terrorist every day before he even has his first cup of coffee. You don't want to be the terrorist he kills before he gets his first cup of coffee.

Rating: 2.3/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (11) | Fred Thompson Facts
May 07, 2007
Frank Thoughts on Spider-Man 3
Posted by Frank J. at 06:13 PM | Email This

I know Cadet Happy already put up his review, but I just wanted to ad my two cents. We went to see Spider-Man 3 Saturday (Free Comic Book Day... and we each got a free Spider-Man comic!) with our friends from Orlando (Rachel and Jim), and it was... okay. I mean, it had enough action for a summer blockbuster. Still, by the end of the movie, every single character had broke down crying (except J. Jonah Jameson... who also was the only character who didn't know Spider-Man's secret identity by the end of the movie).

I know complex villains are all the rage, Raimi, but next time give us someone pure evil for Spidey to beat up with no moral complexity and lose the waterworks.

Rating: 1.3/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (8)
The Mexi-Cannon!
Posted by Frank J. at 11:39 AM | Email This

Illegal Mexicans got you down? You'd like to deport them, but think of all the paperwork and the long drive to toss them over the border.

But now, deporting Mexicans is as easy as saying "Go home, invader!" if you use...

Simply place the Mexican in the Mexi-Cannon™, and its patented cannon technology takes over from there, delivering the Mexican back to Mexico in the blink of an eye.

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Rating: 2.4/5 (33 votes cast)

Comments (35) | Frank the Artist
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

Fred Thompson can pat his head, rub his belly, and kill you all at the same time.

Rating: 2.0/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (15) | Fred Thompson Facts
May 06, 2007
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

If all the computers in the world worked together, it would still take them six quintillion years to calculate exactly how awesome Fred Thompson is. In fact, computers will never be able to calculate that since Fred Thompson's awesomeness increases faster than Moore's Law.

Rating: 2.7/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (15) | Fred Thompson Facts
May 05, 2007
Spiderman 3 -- what a complete waste of time . . .
Posted by Cadet Happy at 11:06 PM | Email This

014974_24.jpg

SPOILERS

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Rating: 2.3/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (24)
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 10:22 AM | Email This

Fred Thompson's response to the debate question "What do you dislike most about America?" would be to rip off Chris Matthew's head and shove it up his ass.

Rating: 3.0/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (28) | Fred Thompson Facts
May 04, 2007
Blog Poll
Posted by Frank J. at 04:28 PM | Email This

BlogAds is having another blog poll to see who is reading blogs. Participate, and you'll get a cookie.

On the first page of the survey, you get to write a testimonial for IMAO. Tell me what you wrote in the comments (and make it super awesome!).

Please take my blog reader survey!

Rating: 4.5/5 (1 vote cast)

Comments (35)
Fred Thompson Facts T-Shirt
Posted by Frank J. at 10:32 AM | Email This

By popular demand, I've made a Fred Thompson Facts t-shirt over at the IMAO Store. It has a Fred Thompson for President logo on the front and these facts on the back:

* Fred Thompson often fills in for Paul Harvey and Batman.

* Physicists say nothing can escape a black hole or Fred Thompson.

* Why does Iran want nukes? Fear of Fred Thompson.

* Though Fred Thompson left the Senate in 2003, Harry Reid still hasn't stopped wetting his pants.

* Only two things can kill Superman: Kryptonite and Fred Thompson.

* Every night, Osama checks under his bed for Fred Thompson.

* Fred Thompson is a prime number.

* Actual cause of global warming? Fred Thompson's burning rage.

* Fred Thompson appears human size because he is actually standing a million miles away.

* Not only does Fred Thompson cut taxes, he cuts tax collectors.

Maybe later I'll make some stickers and magnets with individual Fred Thompson facts. If there are some facts you like that I didn't include, put them in the comments.

Rating: 2.1/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (17) | Fred Thompson Facts
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

Fred Thompson can win any presidential debate by answering "I'm Fred Thompson" to every question.

Rating: 2.3/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (10) | Fred Thompson Facts
May 03, 2007
More Words from Fred Thompson
Posted by Frank J. at 08:28 PM | Email This

I think the Republican presidential debate may be on now (I'm not sure; I don't really follow politics), but Fred Thompson isn't in it, so who cares? Anyway, here are some words from Fred Thompson about Castro, Michael Moore, and health care.

BTW, I found out Marvel has some comics free online, and I read an Ultimate Spider-Man (#87) and found out that Peter Parker's rival Flash Thompson's real name is Fred Thompson. Apparently he uses the nickname so Fred Thompson doesn't murder him for using his name in vain.

Rating: 4.0/5 (1 vote cast)

Comments (8)
State of the Frank Report
Posted by Frank J. at 05:38 PM | Email This

This is the part of the blog where I write about my day for those interested.

They're rebuilding the monkey house!

How can this be? I even used hidden speakers and squibs to make them think the place was haunted. Still, there they go rebuilding it.

Thus, the wife and I have been quite busy painting the house and getting it ready to sell. We're going to move to Texas where there are many laws on the books regulating how close a monkey house can be to residential areas.

Painting is a pain. It's not the painting so much as the prep work such as the taping and the drop cloths. And then little things are always coming up and needing to be fixed. It seems like we'll never be done and away from the monkeys.

And then there's those trips to the hardware store. I was rushing to get to Home Depot before it closed when someone jumped on my hood. "We need to talk!"

Batman! "Like hell we do." I maneuvered the car to ram into a telephone poll, but he jumped off just before the collision.

Bruised and battered I struggled to get out of the car, but then hand gabbed me and yanked me out. "They're still investigating you about Aquaman's disappearance!" Batman yelled at me.

"I don't have time for this; Home Depot closes in fifteen minutes." I came at him with an uppercut. He dodged and socked me in the gut. I ignored the pain and took the open shot at his head. He kicked me, knocking me to the ground, but I had what I needed: His grappling gun.

I fired it at a truck that raced by and zipped myself to it, grabbing hold of the back. "Goodbye, Bat... stupid!" I yelled at Batman (I really need to write those sorts of lines ahead of time).

I got to Home Depot and got a new can of orange peel texture spray just before it closed. I then had to call SarahK for a ride back and sent a tow truck for my car the next morning. Stupid Batman. I wonder what he wanted?

Rating: 2.5/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (5) | State of the Frank Report
Frank Advice for the Republican Presidential Debate
Posted by Frank J. at 12:35 PM | Email This

Apparently there is a presidential debate for the Republicans tonight. It's too early for me to care much, but I think I should be a team player and offer some advice.

FRANK ADVICE FOR THE REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE

* Make it clear that nukes are on the table when dealing with Iran. If another candidate already said that, up the ante by adding, "And the table is made of C4!"

* Promise to cut taxes. If everyone keeps promising to cut even more taxes, say you'll actually pay people to be Americans by taking money away from the poor and uneducated (the poor and uneducated don't watch Republican presidential debates).

* You don't want to appear hateful, so don't call John Edwards any sort of homosexual slur. In fact, come out and explicitly say, "I'm not going to call John Edwards a faggot."

* If asked whether you're worried about Fred Thompson joining the race, try not to urinate uncontrollably while answering the question.

* Great line for whoever uses it first: "If Harry Reid keeps it up, he's going to need a withdrawal date for my foot from his ass!"

* If you ever need to get the crowd going, just start listing Democrats you think should be executed for treason.

* To get your bona fides on the issue of illegal immigration, strangle a Mexican on stage. You'll have to be quick about it or you'll just look like your copying Tom Trancredo.

* If asked whether the war in Iraq can be won, the best answer for that is, "Only a homo would ask that question." Actually, that's great response for a lot of questions.

* Republicans want a man of action, so don't be afraid to break things in controlled fits of rage.

Rating: 1.0/5 (1 vote cast)

Comments (25)
More Propaganda To Undermine Terrorist Morale
Posted by Harvey at 11:27 AM | Email This

THE 72 VIRGINS YOU EXPECT

72 virgins hope.jpg

THE 72 VIRGINS YOU'LL GET

72 virgins reality.jpg

Give up. Go home. It ain't worth it.

Rating: 4.5/5 (1 vote cast)

Comments (21)
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

Fred Thompson's favorite color is the blood of his enemies.

Rating: 2.7/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (16) | Fred Thompson Facts
May 02, 2007
American Idol Season Yawn - Top Six Double Fantastic Double Elimination Non-Charity Event Night -- Total Bloodbath
Posted by sarahk at 10:21 PM | Email This

Ok, peeps. I realize that I didn't blog last night's show, and I know y'all hate that. Just hate it with all of your bones, because you live for my AI blogging. Oh I know! So tonight I'm gonna try to blog the results show with flashbacks to last night's show so you can get my opinions. That's why you're here, right? And if you want to skip to the end, I predict that Chris and Phil are going home on American Idol Super-Fantastic Bloodbath Night (or whatever I called it before). The way I ranked them was Melinda (just barely #1 over the #2 contestant), Blake a microscopically close second (I'll explain later), a shockingly not boring and two-weeks-in-a-row not chesty LaKisha solidly in third (and were it not for the rabbit coming out of Blake's communist hat last night, I might have put her ahead of him and wanted to kiss her myself, though platonically on the cheek, mkay?), and lagging pretty far behind, I had Chris in fourth, Phil in fifth because even though he didn't suck, he was just so stinking boring, and Jordin (whew, what a disaster that was!) firmly in last. But I think Jordin has a good, solid fanbase.

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Rating: 3.1/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (19) | American Idol
Your Husband May Be Gay!
Posted by Frank J. at 01:38 PM | Email This

Last night, SarahK was watching the results show to Dancing with the Stars while I was painting the guest bathroom. During a commercial break, there was an ad for Good Morning America in which there would be an interview with Jim McGreevy's wife with the teaser "Could your husband be gay?"

Oh, that's trouble.

Think if women learn to wield that as a weapon:

WIFE: "Honey, want to go with me to the fabric store to help me pick out curtains?"

HUSBAND: "Why don't you just shoot me in the face instead?"

WIFE: "According to a segment on Good Morning America, men who don't want to go pick out curtains with their wives are really just afraid of exposing their homosexuality."

HUSBAND: "What? Well, I just didn't want to go because I... uh... hurt my knee doing manly things. But it's better now! I'm going to go help you find curtains and then sex you up -- heterosexual style!

How much do you want to bet Elizabeth Edwards is going to tune into that Good Morning America special? Anyway, might as well get the ball rolling...

INDICATIONS YOUR HUSBAND MAY BE GAY

* He watched Dancing with the Stars under his own volition.

* He cares whether you have curtains.

* You're a man and you married in Vermont.

* He's openly a Democrat (Mrs. McGreevy should have picked up on that one).

* He regularly has sex with men.

You know the drill; keep it going in the comments.

Rating: 3.3/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (65)
Shaking Their Tiny Fists in Impotent Rage Against the Machine
Posted by Frank J. at 12:39 PM | Email This

Rage Against the Machine is raging against President Bush.

What took them so long?

Long time readers of IMAO will remember the Limey who quoted Rage Against the Machine lyrics in each of his crazed e-mail until I had to put him down. Rage Against the Machine has been impotently raging against "The System" for forever, so you'd think they would lead on Bush-bashing. Why did it take until now for them to make news on this? Were these anarchists and crazed leftists really on the fence about President Bush until just now?

I'm disappointed; that's all I'm saying.

BTW, I knew a factory worker who raged against a machine; he lost three fingers.

Rating: 2.6/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (19)
Whitler Returns!
Posted by Frank J. at 11:36 AM | Email This

Bill Whittle is back to blogging, having posted twice in less than a week. He promises to post more and has even reopened comments. Also, he has a new version of his book and a Latin motto to vote on. If you've never read Eject! Eject! Eject!, you are stupid and should go there and be not stupid.

The big news is he has apparently trekked far into the Himalayas and found reclusive former blogger Rachel Lucas and convinced her to return to society. Some of you may be too young to remember her, but she was one of the first bloggers I read and also made the original IMAO logo for me. After this long away, her rant could be deadly.

Rating: 4.2/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (15)
Political Correctness is Fascism
Posted by Harvey at 10:46 AM | Email This

Naomi Wolf penned an excrutiatingly long, factually-challenged, spun-like-a-centrifuge screed about Bush turning America into a fascist dictatorship that invokes Godwin's law so fast and frequently that it makes a frog in a blender look like a Doc Edgerton photo.

As a mercy to IMAO readers, I'll give you the short version of her "10 Steps To Fascism" delusion:



1. Invoke a terrifying internal and external enemy - "terrorists - like the ones behind 9/11"

2. Create a gulag - "put terrorists in Guantanamo"

3. Develop a thug caste - "hire private security guards"

4. Set up an internal surveillance system - "monitor international communications of vocal terrorist sympathizers"

5. Harass citizens' groups - "have cops join anti-war groups with a history of violence"

6. Engage in arbitrary detention and release - "...of vocal terrorist sympathizers"

7. Target key individuals - "fire eight attorneys"

8. Control the press - "tell people that known spy Valerie Plame was a spy"

9. Dissent equals treason - "call a leak of classified information 'disgraceful'"

10. Suspend the rule of law - "create an emergency plan for dealing with a devastating terrorist attack".



Whatever.

Still, maybe she has a point. Perhaps there IS a political movement in this country that fits all ten of the warning signs. Maybe the ACTUAL fascist threat to this country is Political Correctness:



1. Invoke a terrifying internal and external enemy - "being offended"

2. Create a gulag - "sensitivity training classes"

3. Develop a thug caste - "activists"

4. Set up an internal surveillance system - "any blog with the word 'watch' in the title"

5. Harass citizens' groups - "animal rights groups that accompany hunters with noisemakers"

6. Engage in arbitrary detention and release - "suspending students for ham-related hate crimes"

7. Target key individuals - "Imus"

8. Control the press - "ABC, CBS, NBC, PBS, blah, blah, everyone but Fox, Rush Limbaugh, and maybe Michelle Malkin"

9. Dissent equals treason - "Global warming deniers"

10. Suspend the rule of law - "More gun control"



There ya go - short, sweet, absolute proof. Not only that, but I didn't have to mention Nazis or Hitler even ONCE to do it.

In your face, Wolfie, ya blithering hack.

Rating: 3.1/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (13)
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

Fred Thompson's favorite book is a battered copy of The Moon Is a Harsh Mistress which he used to beat a hippy to death with.

Rating: 2.1/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (17) | Fred Thompson Facts
May 01, 2007
Unverfied Fred Thompson Facts
Posted by Frank J. at 12:57 PM | Email This

People have been e-mailing me Fred Thompson facts even though I've never made a claim to be the repository of Fred Thompson knowledge. I'd thought I'd share them with you, though I must warn you that these facts have not been triple verified like all the other Fred Thompson facts I've told you. Thus there is the possibility they are false and Fred Thompson will kill us all for reading them.

UNVERIFIED FRED THOMPSON FACTS

* Fred Thompson never has to stop at a traffic light because of a Homeland Security directive requiring all lights to turn green whenever he approaches.

* Fred Thompson eats shotgun shells for breakfast and craps 44 magnum bullets in the afternoon.

* Rosie O'Donnell insulted Fred Thompson so he morphed her into a reasonable, intelligent human being. After
that she joined the Republican Party, took Simon Cowell for a lover and replaced Michelle Malkin as a contributor on Bill O'Reilly show.

* Does a bear @#$% in the woods? Only with signed notarized permission in triplicate from Fred Thompson.

* When Fred Thompson empties his pistol at the firing range, it reloads itself out of respect.

I'm starting to think some things said about Fred Thompson are actually urban legends.
* When Fred Thompson gave blood in Alaska, it fulfilled the Red Cross's entire quota for 6 months.

* Fred Thompson is part man, part machine. Underneath, he has a hyper-alloy combat chassis - micro processor-controlled, fully armored. Very tough.

* Fred Thompson uses a .357 Magnum as a remote control.

* Fred Thompson's carbon footprint is the size of the Yukon.

* Fred Thompson once opened a stuck jar of pickles by winking at it.

* Nuclear reactor coolant fills Fred Thompson's hot tub.

* There are only 2 things in life that are certain - Death and Fred Thompson.

* Fred Thompson flosses his teeth with a straight razor.

* Fred Thompson eats lightning and craps thunder.

* Fred Thompson uses a machine gun as a back scratcher.

* If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear Fred Thompson loading his shotgun.

* Waldo is hiding because of Fred Thompson.

* The Ultimate Fighting Championship is based on Fred Thompson's playground history.

* Fred Thompson reheats leftovers by staring at them.

* Fred Thompson uses high octane gasoline as mouthwash.

* Fred Thompson can see the American flag on the moon.

* Fred Thompson can throw a 95-mph fastball ……. with his foot.

* Fred Thompson uses the St. Louis Arch as a hand exerciser.

* Fred Thompson's steely glare will soften steel.

* Fred Thompson's gravely voice will often start brush fires.

* Fred Thompson runs a 4 minute mile in 42 seconds.

* Any stop signal that turns red when Fred Thompson approaches is immediately sent to the factory for reprogramming.

* When Fred Thompson goes fishing, fish swim to the dock and volunteer to fill his limit.

* Tides flow in and tides flow out unless Fred Thompson wants to take his kids to the beach.

* Harry Reid insulted Fred Thompson and was instantly transformed into a one dimensional cartoon cutout
poster.

* A Homeland Security directive requires all Airlines to keep a First class seat available to every city in the United States just in case Fred Thompson wants to go there.

* Abraham Lincoln once said, "You can fool some of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you can never fool Fred Thompson."

BTW, here's an editorial by Fred Thompson at National Review on how America doesn't care what others think of us. If you have any new facts about Fred Thompson, put them in the comments... but try to verify your facts first.

Rating: 2.6/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (94) | Fred Thompson Facts
America Needs a War On Ham
An Editorial By Harvey
Posted by Harvey at 10:21 AM | Email This

 Recently in Lewiston, Maine, a middle school student was suspended - and rightfully so - for the hate crime of placing a ham steak on a lunch table where Muslim Somali students were sitting. Sadly, instead of treating this grotesque offense with the seriousness it deserved, insensitive jerk Nicholas Plagman of Associated Content actually wrote a parody of the original news story, treating this serious subject with levity, as though it were merely a harmless prank instead of a repugnant assault on someone's religious beliefs.

I am outraged.

"The simple truth is that if it weren't for all the ham in this country, 9/11 never would've happened"

 So I'm taking a cue from Toledo Blade columnist Dan Simpson, who wisely seized the opportunity of the Virginia Tech shootings to propose a sane and practical plan for forcibly disarming America's dangerous gun nuts. I've come up with a sensible program for de-hamifying our swine-flesh-saturated country. After all, it's not enough to complain about the problem. One must be part of the solution.

The first step, of course, is to admit that we, as a nation, have a problem. According to PeTA and other unimpeachable sources, ham and its associated hog-derived food items are directly responsible for over 200 million deaths in this country each year. Now, the government-controlled media craftily hides this fact by fudging the statistics, euphemistically blaming the deaths on "obesity" or "heart disease" or "falling into a rendering vat", but this doesn't chance the FACT that pigs are always the root cause. However, the MOST tragic consequence of America's Hoggy Holocaust is that these ham-tastic delicacies are an unforgivable insult to our Muslim brethren, driving even the calmest of Allah-worshippers into an uncontrollable, ululating, American-murdering frenzy. The simple truth is that if it weren't for all the ham in this country, 9/11 never would've happened.

Sadly, America's unconscionable hatred-by-ham has done nothing but escalate since then. I'm always reading people suggesting (as a "joke", of course) that our troops should dip their bullets in bacon grease before shooting terrorists in order to send them directly to Hell - do not pass Paradise, do not collect 72 virgins. I cannot begin to describe the depth of my disgust at statements like this. I don't have a problem with filling someone so full of lead that you could use them as nuclear reactor shielding, but I draw the line at callously insulting someone's religion!

So to save America from both cholesterol and terrorists, I say that the government needs to get serious about implementing a final solution to our porky problem. We could call it the "War on Ham" and model it after other successful government programs, such as the War on Poverty and the War on Drugs, both of which managed to completely eradicate their target problems within a few short years of being implemented.

Here's how it would work (NOTE: for the sake of brevity, I'll use the term "ham", but it would also include bacon, pork rinds, chitlins, etc.):

First, pass a federal law making ham possession a felony punishable by a $1000 fine or a year on a tofu diet. People would then have a three-month amnesty to deposit their offending meat without penalty at a government collection center. The collected ham could then be safely disposed of by having the UN distribute it to the French, since no one cares if they get heart disease or blown up by terrorists.

Sure, the Washington lobbyists for Big Pig will start chucking lawyers at this left and right, but since most of them would be Jewish and sympathetic to our cause, this fight'll be over in no time. Then, after our nation is safely sow-free, we can get to work on averting America's next looming crisis by enforcing mandatory cow-worship before the Hindu Street rises up and destroys us all.

Harvey is a non-disabled Navy veteran accidentally hired to fill an affirmative action quota at IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as "Soooo-Wee! Sow-free For Me!" and "Udders on the Altar: A Beginner's Guide to Bovine Adulation".

Rating: 1.6/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (25) | Editorials
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

Marvel Comics has an upcoming event to chronicle the Fred Thompson campaign entitled "World War Hulk."

Rating: 3.1/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (8) | Fred Thompson Facts
 

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