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May 31, 2007
WHO Urges Terrorist Ban At Work
GENEVA (Reuters) - Following the World Health Organization's recent call for a world-wide ban on public smoking, the WHO now also wants a global ban on terrorists at work and in enclosed public places.
The United Nations agency said a ban would help limit non-terrorists' exposure to high explosives, which - though not nearly as dangerous as the heart disease and respiratory illnesses caused by second-hand smoke - can still cause injury through concussive organ damage and blood loss from high-velocity shrapnel penetration.
"The evidence is clear, there is no safe level of exposure to ball-bearings propelled by C4," said WHO Director-General Margaret Chan in a statement ahead of World No Terrorists Day which will be observed on Thursday, May 31st for the first time.
"Many countries have already taken action. Iran, for example, makes people go all to way to Iraq before allowing them to blow themselves up. I urge all countries that have not yet done so to take this immediate and important step to protect the health of their citizens," she said.
A number of EU countries, including France, Spain, Ireland and Portugal are among those to have introduced such bans. Islamic residents in these countries, however, consider these bans to be unfair, if not downright racist. "It's my body" said one protester, "I should be able to scatter its parts anywhere I want. So what if a few Jews or Infidels get in the way? At least I'm not blowing cigarette smoke at them."
The Geneva-based agency said its recommendation was based on three studies on terrorists, two in the United States and one by the International Agency for Research on Persons of Explosion.
"By July 1, 240 million people worldwide will be protected by terrorist-free legislation," said Wayne Kao of the International Union Against Frustrated Muslim Men Compensating for Puny and Inadequately Functioning Genitalia, which supports a terrorist-free world.
"Unfortunately, that number is less than 4 percent of the world population," Kao told a news conference, "Well... actually more like zero percent, since murder is already illegal and passing another law ain't gonna do jack."
The WHO said some 200,000 civilians die each year due to exposure to terrorist explosive devices at work, while around 700 million children - around half the world's total - breathe air polluted by flying ball-bearings, poison-coated fishhooks, and other bomb vest enhancing materials, particularly while minding their own business in shops or restaurants.
The agency says that Islam is the leading cause of preventable deaths worldwide. The number of murderous Mohammedeans is rising rapidly in developing countries.
Armando Peruga, head of WHO's Terrorist-Free Initiative, told reporters, "remove the pollutant -- terrorists -- by implementing 100 percent splodey-dope-free environments. Stern looks and designated exploding areas do not reduce exposure to a safe level of risk. It's time to use to awesome power of legislation! NOTHING can stand against its fearsome might!"
Member countries of an international treaty against terrorism, the 2003 WHO-backed Framework Convention on Crazy Muslim Control, are due to discuss guidelines on exposure to second-hand shrapnel at a meeting in Bangkok starting on June 30.
IMAO Exclusive: The White House's and WSJ's Immigration Bill FAQ
Due to my numerous contacts, I've received the FAQ the White House is going to soon put out to answer people's concerns about the immigration bill. It was written with help from the editorial staff at the Wall Street Journal. Here it is:
IMMIGRATION BILL FAQ
Q. I'm concerned that the immigration bill focuses more on giving illegal immigrants amnesty than border protection. Does the President share these concerns?
Q. This isn't a racial issue. Many people think this bill will only encourage more illegal immigration and leave our borders open and dangerous. What are the answer to these charges?
Q. This isn't about Hispanics! This is about our laws being respected and our national security!
Q. I'm not against immigrants! Why can't you people understand there is a difference between legal and illegal immigration?! I'm only objecting to the illegal ones!
Q. With President Bush already having shaky support, do you think it's wise to label people with legitimate concerns about illegal immigration "racists"?
Q. That's it. I'm leaving the Republican Party.
A Frank Amnesty Plan
Much of what makes Americans so mad about the amnesty proposals is the idea that people can come here, crap all over our laws, and get no punishment for it. Can we be taken seriously as a country with such an attitude? How long would it be until Canada starts stealing our silverware on its visits here? If people disobey us, the greatest nation on earth, there must always be consequences.
On the other hand, most illegal immigrants just came here for a better life. They had the horrible misfortune of being born in the dirt-poor and corrupt Mexico and wanted to come to America -- like any rational person. If someone truly wants to become an American, I would like to give him or her the opportunity. When immigration works best is when people have to work hard to be Americans and thus appreciate American values even more than those of us who were given our place here simply through birth. So, I'm quite happy with the illegal immigrants who came here from Mexico eventually becoming citizens... but as punishment for their law-breaking, they'll have to do a bit more than those who took the legal path.
Now, some have put the punishment as fines and paying back-taxes, but that serves no point. The Mexicans came here because they're poor, so any fine is going to be a high hurdle. Also, what good do those fines do us? The money is just going to go to more wasteful spending on turnip subsides and health care for old people (they're of no more use to us; why keep them alive?). If the Mexicans here illegally want to become citizens, let's have them do something useful for all Americans while simultaneous proving their zeal for American ideals. Let's have them...
We already have tons of Mexicans in America, so there's really no reason to keep Mexico around. In fact, one could easily argue that Mexico is detrimental to the U.S.A.... or at least that it brings down the property values for the North American continent. So let's task the illegal Mexicans with destroying Mexico. I, like many Americans, will even donate guns to the effort as it would solve a number of problems:
1. Allows Mexicans to sever ties with their former country and show loyalty to the U.S.
If the Mexicans we have here will go and slaughter their former country men, raze the villages of their former countries, I would punch anyone in the face who would doubt their loyalty to America. Once Mexico is thoroughly destroyed and turned to nothing but rubble and corpses, all the survivors of the assault should be welcomed back with open arms. We will say to them, "Yes, Pedro, you have done what we Americans would not do ourselves: Destroy the annoyance that was Mexico. Through your blood and sweat, you have proven your right to the title of American. Now finish cutting my lawn."
Now that's compassionate conservatism!
May 30, 2007
After Much Thought, Fred Thompson Has Decided We're Worthy
It's starting to sound pretty official: Fred Thompson will join the race on July 4th. He also might start taking donations on my birthday, June 4th, which derails my plans to ask you for money that day because who is going to give me money when you could instead give it to Fred Thompson.
Anyway, make sure you have a Fred Thompson Facts t-shirt for when he announces on Independence Day (I'll get your money yet!).
I Want My Hugo TV!
Many people in Venezuela are protesting Hugo Chavez shutting down the most viewed television station in the country. Do not fret, Venezuelans, because it's crappy opposition programming will be replaced with all new, Hugo-approved shows. One will be the long awaited sitcom Everyone Loves Hugo (Or Gets Shot with Rubber Bullets). You can't help but laugh every time he says his hilarious catchphrase "It sure smells like sulfur in here!" (and if you don't laugh, be careful to not get hit in the face with the rubber bullets).
It will show every Tuesday unless they're a coup.
The End of an Era and the Effects on Those with Dumb Monkey Faces
As I detailed some time ago, many liberals now lack a coherent political philosophy and instead have centered all their beliefs around President Bush. When President Bush leaves office, they will no longer know what to think. They will be able to salvage some semblance of their belief system if a Republican is elected, but they will be devastated if a Democrat become President. They probably won't even know whether to still protest the war, because what would be the point in stopping it now that President Bush is gone? In a life centered around President Bush, there would be no point to that activity whatsoever.
Maybe they will move on to heckling the civilian George Bush, but then they'll see the political world move on without them. Didn't the hatred against President Bush have something to do with politics? Liberals are so far gone now they probably can't remember. Without President Bush, they'll be like new born babes, having to rebuild a system of thought from scratch while smelling of poo. I'd expect sites like The Daily Kos to actually shut down amidst the confusion as they'll probably turn on each other like savage animals as they no longer have a single entity to direct their hate against and give purpose to their pathetic lives.
Whatever the result, it will certainly give plenty of fodder to psychologist writing research papers. And if we can ever figure out exactly how a mediocre President could elicit such hatred, perhaps it can be used against our enemies (for any liberals reading this, "enemies" refers to terrorists and not Bush and friends).
Good News, Everyone!
The results of a new poll of American Muslims was just released, and a full 74% of them don't want to stab you in the groin and eat your eyeballs. It can thus be said that Muslims in America have integrated into society much better than many have feared (you don't want to see the poll results on that for Muslims in Europe, though).
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
They say that after a nuclear blast, the only things that will survive will be cockroaches and Fred Thompson... except that Fred Thompson doesn't like cockroaches. So the only thing that will survive will be Fred Thompson.
May 29, 2007
CO2 Emissions Down; Environmentalist Unemployment Up
Sad news for the global warming crowd, as US emissions of CO2 have actually dropped 1.3% in 2006, despite having an economy that grew 3.3% during the same year.
Which, I guess, means that Bush has saved the planet.
But what other effects will this have? I predict thusly:
* President Bush scraps plans for emergency Presidential escape rocket to Mars
* Environmentalists stop talking about "climate change" and start talking about "fries with that".
* Dole company abandons Alaskan pineapple plantation complex.
* Al Gore wept.
* Skyrocketing sales of "I Told You So" T-shirts to climate change deniers.
* "Kyoto" once again only notable for being an anagram of "Tokyo".
* Powerful computers used to model world climate switched to BitTorrenting pirated MP3's.
* South American rainforest ecosystems collapse as trees succumb to oxygen poisoning.
* New York Times headline: "Bush Fails to Prevent Global Temperature Stagnation Crisis".
* Sheryl Crow back to twirling Charmin around her hand like spaghetti on a fork.
As for me, it's all about the running over hippies with my SUV.
Some things never change.
We've All Been Elisabeth Hasselbeck
An Editorial by Frank J.
If someone came up to you and started rattling off the reasons that the moon landing was faked, could you respond?
"You can see the flag wave in the wind! And the photos lacked stars! And they all would have died traveling through the Van Allen radiation belt!"
If you're like most Americans, you'd know the guy is a crank but you would have no idea how to respond to each of his crazed points other than to punch him in his dumb monkey face and yell, "You're a crank! Stop with the mouth moving and the sound coming out of it, you nitwit!"
A political ambush is hard to respond to in a reasonable fashion, because the crank controls the battlefield by spouting out "facts" you are ill-prepared for. Any idiot can read some article or some internet ramblings and then recite them to the unsuspecting... and many idiots do. The fool then thinks he won the debate when all he's done is left you confused and surprised.
This is why many sympathized with poor Elisabeth Hasselbeck who was met with this scenario constantly and on live television with no escape. Hasselbeck already had to deal with the insufferable and pea-brained Joy Behar who could recite Democrat talking points with the near accuracy of a trained parrot -- annoying but predictable -- but then came the raging monstrosity of Rosie O'Donnell. She's pure hate and stupidity squished into one amorphous blob with but one goal: To make people think it's smart. Rosie had the public's laughter -- as any clown could claim -- but she wanted their respect. So she -- through either design or through accident of her chubby fingers mistyping as they mashed against her sticky keyboard -- came to websites with ideas even outside the mainstream of what's referred to as "liberal thought."
"When I tell the people these things they don't know, I will be the smart one!" she burbled to herself as her many chins were lit by the glow of her nacho cheese-stained monitor. "They will love and respect me!"
Of course, to look smart, it helps to have another look dumb, and Rosie had the perfect foil in Elisabeth Hasselbeck, as that woman dared to be everything Rosie wasn't: slim, blond, attractive, and heterosexual. Worst yet, Hasselbeck was a Republican, and, by the understanding Rosie had as taught by her friends in Hollywood, people only became Republicans as an expression of their love of evil.
So Rosie spouted her shiny new ideas aimed at the young Hasselbeck with Behar snickering all the while out of a nervous habit of incomprehension. Many criticized Hasselbeck for not standing in front of the charging, lesbian rhino, meeting force with force, but that ignores the ambush taking place and that Hasselbeck is no pundit -- she is only as well informed as any regular American. How could she be prepared for the assertion that the World Trade Center Building 7 was blown up by the government? And if someone came up to you and loudly and obnoxiously stated that fire could not melt steel, how long would it take you to recover from the shock of the surrealness of the situation to respond?
Hasselbeck had not signed on to fight against a hippopotamus thrashing about in waters of ignorance and conspiracy, but she tried in her own meek manner. The second time the WTC 7 was brought up, she was prepared to meet Rosie with some facts, but she was then broadsided by statements that Giuliani had shuttled steel off to China as a cover up. Lesson learned: You can't stay ahead of a crank -- not unless you're willing to search out the facts of every single wacko conspiracy out there like some sort of Wikipedia Brown.
But while Rosie thought she won the debate on stage since Hasselbeck never rose to meet her fury, she was not prepared for the reaction of the public at large. Apparently people took the "facts" Rosie put out there and then followed them to their logical conclusions. This caught Rosie off guard because she lacks the mental capacity to reach those logical conclusions herself. It may seem obvious to you that if someone states that our troops killed 655,000 Iraqis and then asks, "Who are the real terrorists?", the implication is that our troops are terrorists. But Rosie was really just asking a question she didn't know the answer to. She thought she could just spout things she read on the internet and sound smart; she had no idea people would put any meaning to the things she was saying. Thus the real pain in her eyes when she asked Hasselbeck, "Do you believe I think the troops are terrorists?" The correct answer would be, "No, I don't believe you have any political thought quite that coherent."
How the now despised Rosie lashed out at little Hasselbeck, a warthog snarling at a bunny. Her attempts to look smart and gain love and respect had failed horribly, and her only consolation was batting around the blond woman in front of a studio audience. But finally Hasselbeck struck back, meeting the blubbering intensity of Rosie with equal passion. Thoroughly defeated, she called Hasselbeck a coward and quickly waddled away to her swamp to write her faux-poetry on her blog which resembled what one would expect to be the result if one of those signing chimps were taught to type. And cheer we all did, for Hasselbeck, no greater than the rest of us, struck a blow for all those ever cornered by an obnoxious idiot so fool and pitiful as to convince himself that he's smart.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist who is against the idea of women being left alone to chat about politics.
Is there anyone nuttier than Ron Paul supporters?
You may say it's a false question since Gallup was unable to find an actual Ron Paul supporter. Thus, there's no evidence yet that his denizens on the internet are anything other sock puppets. But whoever is spamming internet polls and blog comments -- whether it be Ron Paul or someone associated with him -- has to be quite mad.
May 28, 2007
May 27, 2007
Blogging the Qur'an
Every Sunday, Robert Spencer is going to lead us through parts of the Qur'an at Hot Air and answer questions in the comments section. Today he simply starts with explaining how the Qur'an is put together and how it is perceived in Islam. This sounds like some very worthwhile study, and I hope everyone participates.
BTW, I feel I should mention Spencer's book The Truth About Muhammad which was quite an engaging read.
May 26, 2007
May 25, 2007
Outrageous and Inflammatory Facts About Ron Paul
Ron Paul sucks. Ron Paul also blows. All this just from respiring.
A lot of the time Ron Paul is quite full of crap .Is Ron Paul crazy? If so, he is crazy and full of crap.
But most shockingly: When Ron Paul eats at restaurants he has a well known penchant for public mastication.
Can Ron Paul ever hope to get the Republican nomination when these truths are more widely known? Doubtful when his poll ratings can't get much lower.
Ref: Extreme Mortman
Meanwhile, In An Alternate Universe...
(hat tip to reader Charles for inspiring this one)
The shrieking freaks at ANSWER (Act Now to Stop War and End Racism) are planning to protest Dick Cheney's address at the West Point commencement ceremony on May 26th as part of what they're calling their "Turn Up the Heat in 2007" campaign of year-long slogan-chanting.
What's the matter with these people? It's Memorial Day weekend! Can't they take a break from rooting against the troops to have a barbecue or something?
Anyway, after reading yet another of their tiresome screeds, I nodded off out of sheer boredom and had the most wonderful dream. I was transported to a happy world where ANSWER was actually a group of pro-victory patriots which wanted America to win this war as much as this world's ANSWER wants America to lose it. And in that beautiful dream, their "Turn up the Heat in 2007" page looked something like this:
A Proposal for Nation-Wide Protests
"Turn Up the Heat in 2007"
A Year of Protest and Resistance
On March 17, tens of thousands of people marched on the Pentagon. Between March 17-20, more than 1,000 protests took place in cities and towns throughout the country.
The people of the country want the war to end immediately in victory. Instead, the death toll for terrorists barely grows higher every day. Politicians fiddle and jockey for electoral advantage while tens of thousands of troops get sent once again, and for extended 15 month tours, to do the killin' that they do so well. Sadly, though, the list of terrorist dead is still well under 100,000 as a result of this war, which is tragically undersupported and underfunded by Bush and Congress.
Iraq is Bush's Vietnam. Or possibly Korea. Maybe the War of 1812. History's not my long suit. Anyway, this war based on "being nice" and "minimizing collateral damage" enters its fifth year with no end in sight.
Bush and the Generals hang on to the fantasy of military victory that doesn't include shedding oceans of Islamofascist blood. Congress voted to prolong the war for at least another year. If the war is not worth fighting after 2008, then why should one more Soldier or Marine be sent to kill terrorists in Iraq in 2007, when we have thousands of nuclear-tipped missiles that could kill terrorists for them?
The U.S. invasion and occupation has yet to kill the thugs and murderers who plunged Iraqi society into a terrible nightmare. We, the people, must act now, to stop this criminal enterprise. The drug-addled hippies, not the politicians, lost the Vietnam War. We must ignite a firestorm of grassroots pro-victory activity.
Starting in 1968, shortly after the pro-communist-slanted mis-reporting of the Tet Offensive, the defeatist idiots of this country became a major factor in the calculations of the warmakers. Treason and subversion grew in every community, in every school, and in the audience of every Grateful Dead concert, as tens of thousands of gullible morons became the simpering propaganda tools of the Viet Cong.
Starting then, it was impossible for any government leader, Pentagon spokesperson or pro-victory member of Congress to visit any community or school in the country without the knowledge that they would be confronted by some screeching, unbalanced, anti-war-tard too permanently stoned to even master a job as a "hot lipid potato engineer" at McDonald's. No military recruiter could dare come on any campus without having the knowledge that smelly, anti-American loser-monkeys would fling figurative and literal poo at them.
We all know what we got for listening to those thrice-bedamned crap-slingers, and the merry hell if we're letting it happen again!
We are proposing to tens of thousands of pro-victory activists and organizers around the country that we all join together and guarantee that wherever and whenever Bush, Cheney, government officials and other slinky-spined "pro-victory" members of Congress step out in public they will know with certainty that they will be met by REAL pro-victory protestors. Many committed pro-victory activists have been making it their business to confront the warmakers when they come to their towns. This must become a deepened, dedicated and concerted action of the pro-victory movement as a whole. We must make it clear to them that we will accept no outcome in this war that doesn't include making a pile of dead terrorists 1368 feet tall.
This is the essence of the new nation-wide campaign called "Turn up the Heat in 2007." The campaign is very simple. ANSWER (Activate Nuclear Solution to Win and End Resistance) and other national pro-victory coalitions will mobilize for every local and regional action that confronts the war makers and their spokespersons whenever they appear in public. We will encourage them to have our troops use massive, overwhelming amounts of explosive, incendiary, and nuclear ordnance on our enemies. We must let our leaders know that we want the terrorists to burn on Earth before they burn in Hell.
This campaign starts now.
On May 26, there will be a demonstration at West Point, New York where Dick Cheney will be the keynote speaker at a graduation ceremony. Activists are assembling at Veteran's Park in nearby Highland falls at 8:30 a.m. for a march to the Thayer Gate into West Point. The ANSWER Coalition will be screaming their unquenchable thirst for terrorist blood at this demonstration.
Bush, Cheney and every other pussy-footing politician -- which means anyone who is for prolonging the Iraq war -- will feel the pressure of the Turn Up the Heat campaign in the weeks and months to come.
The Turn Up the Heat campaign will promote and publicize the effectiveness of nuclear weapons as a means of pacifying a fanatical enemy (Japan - hint, hint) and also encourage every action that contributes to the decisive breaking of either our enemies' support networks, will, or bodies - and the sooner, the better. The power to end the war is in the people, but we must step up the pressure from every direction.
Let's unite and support all pro-victory actions in 2007. Together we will Turn up the Heat. Together we will end this war with a decisive American victory and plenty of dead terrorists.
Does He Really Have a Chance?
Since TV became a factor in presidential politics in 1960, Americans have never elected a man that didn't have important-looking hair (Ford wasn't elected, W - while always in need of a trim - at least doesn't have hairline issues, and LBJ had that Jack Nicholson look going for him).
Will his bald spot turn out to be Fred Thompson's kryptonite?
May 24, 2007
Driving on Air
Everyone has been trying to find new things to power cars with than oil (except for the oil companies who are trying to find the people trying to find new ways to power cars so they can bury them in unmarked graves). The best ideas so far have been things much more plentiful than oil, like electricity, alcohol, sunlight, and water -- things not owned mainly by angry desert people. My own idea is a fire-powered car. You'd put fire in the car to power it. There would also be flames painted on the outside of the car and the words "FIRE-POWERED CAR" so everyone who would see it would go, "Wow! That's got to be one fast car! It's powered by fire!"
Despite the plentifulness of air, the only thing people have been using air to power so far are things to shoot hobos with such as BB guns, super-soakers, and paint ball guns. Maybe that's why no one had made an air-powered car: They thought about how much they'd have to pump the handle to just get to grocery store ("I just drove in from Chicago, and boy are my arms tired!"). We won't have to pump a handle to power this car, though, because they decided to use technology to get the air into its compressed, powerful form. Whoever first though of using technology to solve problems must have been a really smart guy. Actually, I bet his name was Jimmy Technology and they named technology after him. Everyone probably just called it "smart stuff" before Jimmy showed them how to use it.
There are some worries about air-powered cars being dangerous with all that compressed air inside them (as opposed to cars filled with flameable, explosive liquid). It could be dangerous, but we won't find out until people ram each other in them. That will be a fun day. Others who don't like the car are people who want to commit suicide. Since what comes out of the exhaust is just more air, it's very hard to commit suicide with.
Wow, the future sure is exciting. I hope we can find even more things to use air for, because there sure is plenty of it we're not doing anything with.
Deconstructing the Muslim Survey
By now you've probably heard about the Pew survey of American Muslims that showed 25% of them in favor of suicide bombings and only 40% of them believing that the 9/11 hijackers were Arab men.
If you're not sure if you've heard of the survey, it was probably under a headline like "Muslims Love America and You're Just a Paranoid Islamophobe for Thinking Otherwise".
Anyway, here's the 108-page pdf file of the actual survey so you can see for yourself what it says. But if you're feeling lazy, here are some of the important numbers:
* 80% thought Rosie O'Donnell should wear a burka or at least a paper bag over her head.
* 72% think that we should've looked for Saddam's WMD's in his basement, since that's where they keep their WMD's.
* 83% want to fight global warming, unless said warming results from a nuclear strike on Israel.
* 51% said Lindsay Lohan would look hotter if she had four legs and a hump.
* 2% have an MP3 of John McCain singing "Bomb Iran" on their iPods.
* 92% visit IMAO every day hoping to read that something bad has happened to Laurence Simon.
* 7% can say "JOOOOOOS!" without reflexively shaking a fist in anger.
* 18% admitted to having a secret crush on Tom Selleck because of his Saddam-like moustache.
* 89% believe that fire can weaken steel enough to collapse a building or have plans to conduct full-scale tests of the theory.
* 34% just saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching to GEICO and gave it all to Al Qaeda.
* 68% want Michelle Malkin to do another video in that cheerleader outfit.
* 12% can never remember if "Allah" is spelled with one "l" or two.
* 31% have taped a sign that said "Fatwa Me" to someone's back as a practical joke.
* 25% admitted to youthful experimentation with drawing Mohammed cartoons.
* 82% cheered at the end of "Old Yeller".
* 100% cheered at the end of "V for Vendetta".
* 8% regret the night they got REALLY drunk and let their friends talk them into getting that Piglet ankle-tattoo.
* 42% wonder why it's not spelled "mosq".
* 65% can always find the right direction to face during prayers, thanks to their Apple iMecca.
* 13% have used a Pittsburgh Steelers souvenier "Terrible Towel" as an emergency prayer rug.
Personally, I don't think I need to know where Mecca is, since I'm sure there are plenty of American ICBM's that already know it for me.
May 23, 2007
American Idol Season Yawn - The Finale! Yay! It's Over! Can I Get an Amen, Y'all!
Yo. Papa John's. I don't know where you get off calling this a large. A large pizza, by definition, has twelve slices. You wanna bring me a large pizza and give me eight slices? What the heck? Whoever came up with the size chart was tripping on Tulips.
Eight slices. Whatever. I do like that online ordering thingy, though. Used to do that all the time in Amarillo, and nobody gives me a long, awkward pause on the other end of the line when I order a pineapple, banana peppers (or jalapenos, depending on my mood), and mushroom pizza.
I will love Pauler forever for tripping on Tulips last night. Probably my favorite moment of the season.
Ryan says it's the night we've all been waiting for. Amen, broothah. Amen. Oh yeah! Can't wait for LOST. I hope Jack and Sayid get in a brawl, and Sayid buries Jack up to his head in the sand so he gets a nasty sunburn and can't try to become self-appointed king of the island again until after Sayid has taken care of The Others, Iraqi-style.
Oh, on the amen front, I was trying to say that we're all just ready for it to be over. But y'all probably picked that up from the title of the post, right? Right.
So will it be the beatboxer from Seattle or the sweetheart from Arizona? They couldn't come up with something better for Jordin than "sweetheart"? Like "that chick with pipes who can totally sing the skin off a chicken"?
That main backup singer girl (the one in the middle) is wearing a corset for a shirt. No lie. She's the one that always seems to be in charge. Teri Hatcher is in the audience, aren't you happy? There's Jeff Foxworthy, too!
Blake's cheers in the audience are louder than Jordin's. Dun dun dunnnnnnnn. Randy is wearing a black suit with some kind of Liberace lace on the cuffs and lapels and matching tie. Pauler is wearing a nice cleavage formaly dress with long hair and equally long earrings (don't those things hurt? and when did giant earrings reprise?). Simon is wearing last night's Super Big Finale Two Hour Special White Pressed Shirt and Black Jacket I'm British and Dashing Ensemble. You know the one. In the freeze-frame, Pauler doesn't look like she tripped on Tulips today, and I hope I'm wrong. Last night, she was my GIRL!
Randy thinks it's gonna be a hot finale. Hot, baby! And he asks Ryan to pick the winner, and Ryan says no, because then the loser won't come on E! and his radio show. He didn't say that stuff, but y'all know that's what he's thinking. Pauler feels excellent, and Ryan says... drumroll... "Simon, you already look bored." "Well, sweetheart, it's because I'm listening to your pretty mouth. Mwah. See you later." "No, you're gay!"
Ry-ry says it's been exhausting. Blake got fitted by some designer I've never heard of, and Jordin got fitted by that Badgley guy anyone who's ever read People's Oscar recap issue has heard of for sure. And now Jordin and Blake are singing "I Saw Her Standing There" and holding hands and everything. Blake's acting like he's into it and everything. They even do a little peck on the cheek thing at the end. Dude, she's 17, and you're way older! But I guess that's legal, right?
Oh come on. I'm just kidding.
And now, they're tuning into Gwen Stefani, who is on tour, and she is going to sing a song for us remotely. It's called "Four in the Morning." Oh my. She is wearing...
a birthday cake. Not kidding. I actually kinda like the song. It kinda seems like she's lipsynching. I'm not accusing, I'm just saying something seems not right with it. I mean, aside from the birthday cake and giant ribbon she has wrapped around her body.
Haha, I love the new "We're pregnant!" dropped call commercial. Also the "don't make the same mistake I did" commercial from last night was hilarious. And yes, I have the all-powerful DVR, but sometimes I'm still typing when the commercial starts rolling.
Kelly Clarkson! She's finally back. She's singing "Never Again", her new single. She actually seems a little nervous at first. I'm kinda loving this song. And I think it's safe to say she's pretty much a rocker now, yes? I love her body. Don't care for the semi-hoo-hah dress or eyeliner. Who is she, Zoolander? Anyway, she rocks. If she were competing last night, I totally would have voted for her. For the record, I tried to vote for Jordin several times because she at least tried and she did smack Blake around. Just could not have voted for Yoko, unless he'd totally nailed that "This is My Frau" song.
There's Jerry Springer.
The Golden Idols (because really, isn't this what the results show is all about? the people who already made my all-time list of people I never want to meet get to go onstage and make the list again?):
Best Presentation Award goes to Margaret Fowler, the fifty-year-old chicken lady. She plants a big nasty kiss on Ryan and knocks him to the ground, and they kinda roll around in the most heterosexual action Ryan has seen since Tara Reid (that was in his experimental phase--I kid because I love, Ryan!). Her cellphone starts ringing while she's onstage accepting her award. Ryan answers and tells whoever it is that she is on national TV, and could she please call them back. That's totally not staged. Actually, based on her... it could be real if her family and friends are like her, and by "like her," I mean "freaks." Just to clarify. I didn't want y'all to think I meant something mean like "eccentric." BTW, other nominees were X-Centric (world-class nutter) and Isadora Furman (sounded like she had an orgasm during her audition).
Now the top six guys are out to sing "Ooh Baby Baby." Sanjaya, Chris R, Chris Sligh, Pennywise, Blake, Brandon. And then they introduce Smokey Robinson. Wow, that face has been through a lot of stretching. Notice, people: You stretch things like thighs, arms, shoulders, hamstrings. Not faces! Anyway, the guys have apparently made all their final arrangements, and so has Smokey. They've said goodbye to their loved ones, and they're all ready to go meet their Maker up above, because there's no other reason a man (or a woman) would be dressed like a cloud or a feather pillow or a country club (think about it, it will come to you), unless he got sprayed by Stay Puft. And I think Jay or Deb or someone already verified earlier this season in the comments that Stay Puft didn't do it. Or did I dream that?
What the heck? I just checked my sitemeter to make sure I had the right url for Jay & Deb (because they make me feel good every day by clicking the link from their blog to mine, and they probably don't read it, they just do it to help my fragile little ego, because they're nice like that), and in scanning my referrers? I just had a referral from someone searching the web for "baby penis." First off, what kind of sick @#$% is searching for baby penises? Huh? Who are you, you putrid overlord of scum? Second of all... how did that lead them to my blog?
Who knows what kind of rambling post of mine got me a "baby penis" hit. Whatever. I found a Carefree strip with the Monster cables behind the TV stand this week! Nothing shocks me anymore! Nothing!
Oh dear. More songs from the men on their way to the sweet by and by. Paullagen is standing and dancing, and the boys are doing some kind of Temptations dancing. Oh good, that segment's over. Go meet Lord Xenu. He awaits you.
Go to americanidol.com for information on making your band famous. Any kind of band.
(DJ) Barry B., Blake Lewis, and Dougy Fresh (or Doug E. Fresh, if you please) are out to perform together. Dougy Fresh being the original human beatbox, of which he reminds us a million bazillion times throughout the performance. Wow. Just wow. Other than Blake doing that whole "OMG" riff, that was freaking amazing.
Ryan says it's just like the days of Justin and Kelly. Indeed. Frank and I watched a replay of that finale on the local Fox channel the other night. Kelly and Tamyra were pretty much the only not-tonedeaf ones, from what we heard.
Sweet. Frank just said they're coming out with a singing game for the Wii. Wiiii!
The Golden Idols:
Most Original Vocal. Nominees are Nicholas Zitzmann (that awful Unchained Melody kid who truly thinks he can sing, and he should win, hands down); Sandie Chavez (Black Velvet girl who had Marcus Dixon talking in her ear or something, because she totally kept holding her ear--also thought she could sing, but she's no Zitzmann); Sholandric Stallworth (thought he was Luther Vandross, truly thought that, and changed keys unwittingly). What? How did Sholandric Stallworth win? They must not have been able to get Zitzmann or Chavez to come back, because Stallworth is 3rd place. Ryan has him go to the front of the stage and take a singing request from Randy to sing. Randy requests "Silent Night," because it's the holidays. And Sholandric sings, "Silent night, holy night. All is palm..." Palm. All is palm. A'ight, then.
Now the top six girls are out to sing in their second wedding dresses. "I Heard it Through the Grapevine," though by the looks of those dresses, I was bracing for Xanadu. Gladys Knight arrives. Yes! She rebelled and wore a black and white top! Go Gladys! She looks awesome, sounds awesome. Haley is wearing more clothes than she wants to. Melinda and LaKisha are singing right alongside Gladys, and everyone else is pipping during "Midnight Train to Georgia." Man, I've missed The Glock. And there's Stephanie, Melinda, LaKisha, Jordin, and Haley. I had to name them all, because I named all the guys, and I'm nothing if not fair.
We're back. On the biggest show in the world. And Tony Bennett, who totally bailed the night after Tony Bennett performance night with the flu, which I have no reason to doubt he had, is out to perform. Y'all, when I'm not listening to country, I'm listening mostly to this kind of music and a little to pop. He's doing "For Once in My Life." Aw, heck yeah, that was awesome, y'all. I applauded right here in the livingroom and everything. He wins American Idol Season Yawn. That man can still wail. Am I gushing? I can stop now. Frank, the CD is called "For Once in My Life." Yes, please.
Nominees for Best Buddies: Jonathan and Kenneth (yeah, they win--these are the guys from Seattle, Simon called one a bush baby); Amanda and Antonella ("Because God likes good people"); Simon and Ryan (no, you're gay!). Ryan says to Simon, "You don't have an Emmy, and you don't have one of these either." Oh, snap!
And what happens next... um... ok, so... playing up? that Simon called the kid a bush baby? We want to do that? I mean, I guess he signed the big disclaimer and all that, but not the big AI shining moment this season. So... Jonathan and Kenneth come out to accept the award, and they tell everyone that they've been doing the red carpet everywhere, they've been on lots of shows, tons of interviews, lots of fame over this, blah blah blah. Ryan asks Kenneth how he felt about Simon calling him a bush baby. Ryan, did you miss that episode? See, I watched it, and Kenneth said lots of stuff about it. Basically, he was mad. He went on Kimmel to tell how he felt, everyone saw it. It was all over the news shows, even Fox News. There was a huge to-do. I blogged it. You missed all that? Where were you? Chasing chicks? No, that's not it... KENNETH: You said it, and now I am where I am today. So yay. Lighten up. I have. I forgive you. SIMON: Thank you. Nice to have you back. KENNETH: (quite sure Simon didn't hear this the first time, so he now grabs that microphone really good) Lighten up, Simon. (puts on sunglasses) I have. (Kenneth is so proud of himself and quite sure that he is the World's Coolest Not Bush Baby right now.) SIMON: (to Pauler) What'd he say? I couldn't hear him. PAULA: I don't know. (She's so over this segment.)
Ok, so Ryan moves it along, tells Simon that Kenneth was just complimenting him, right? And then... I'm not joking, y'all. On the screen, they show what a real bush baby looks like. RYAN: I want you to look at the screen. This is what a real bush baby looks like. SARAHK: Nuh-uh. They are not doing that. Do they really wanna... Uh. Huh. (It gets better.) RYAN: And we have sponsored one on your behalf at the Milwaukee Zoo, in your name. SARAHK: Awkward! (Even Kenneth looks a little patronized by this.) Double awkward! RYAN: Its official name is on record as Simon. (Simon gives them a standing ovation as they leave the stage.)
Whew. Glad that's done.
Now Melinda Doolittle (yay!) is out to sing with BeBe and CiCi Winans, for whom she used to sing backup. They sing "Hold Up the Light." It's about saving the world, but I can't really understand much more than that. I know they should all pronunciate better. But Melinda is smiling ear to ear singing about people dying, but I think she's just starstruck, because hey, she used to sing backup for them! And now she's singing right up front with them! I don't blame her. Carrie, Martina, Celine, Sara Evans and I could sing about dead kittens, and I would be crying tears of joy.
Crappy Ford commercial is outtakes of all the top ten from previous commercials to "Time After Time."
Jordin and Blake both get Ford Mustangs.
Carrie Underwood is onstage with her fiddler and three guys on acoustic guitar to sing that not-to-be-outdone acoustic version of "I'll Stand by You." I'm so mesmerized. She's gorgeous, her voice is flawless. I love it when her fiddler solos--she always looks at him when he does so, and she looks at him with such admiration. They should get married and make musical babies. Unless he's already married, in which case she should stop looking at him like that. Until the very end of the song, when the cameras panned out, I thought she was wearing this stunning straight brown/beige gown with just the right amount of shiny on it. It's actually a floor-length top that splits in the front to reveal jeans? But it's fully formal gownish everywhere except where there's no dress. And I know y'all will be shocked--I still like it. Even though it's strapless (her hair covers where the dress doesn't). This can mean only one thing: I have a girl-crush on Carrie Underwood.
I can't wait for her next album. I wonder when it comes out.
Wow, Daughtry #1 selling artist of the year last year. Double platinum. And has been in the top ten for six months. Clive Davis is going on and on about all the amazing talent out of American Idol and the songwriters that write great songs for the Idols. Oh look! Ace Young! I can go to bed now. It's what I was waiting for.
Oh. Forgot to tell y'all earlier. The Hoff is in the audience. So we can get some tears later maybe. :-D
And then he starts talking about Carrie Underwood's achievements and how she's won pretty much every award out there this year, because she rocks it (country style). And he's there to present a special plaque-trophy thingy to her, because her first album has now gone... (and this is a true sunglasses moment, so much so that I want to fly to Hollywood and give Clive some sunglasses right now so he can put them on--no, scratch that. I want to fly David Caruso out there so he can do the whole moment himself. It's that good.) Her first album has gone... (sunglasses on or off--you choose)... six-times platinum. SIX TIMES. Six million album sales. Poor girl, Pennywise is holding one end of her plaque when she comes out to accept it (Chris R has the other end, so that's coo').
Carrie thanks everyone, including the fans and AI (she's obviously short on time, because she has to kiss Ryan real quick and get off the stage).
Now's the part of the show where they're gonna talk about Idol Fantastically Gives Back to the Whole Wide World again. And oh crap, the African Children's Choir is here to sing and dance around for us, which means I'm going to have another urging to adopt a cute little black child. Just look at them! Tell me white kids are that cute! You can't do it, because you'd be liars. Liars! Plus, these kids dance way better. And if we adopt a little black girl, no one will ask, "Where do you get that butt from?" They'll just assume it came from me. Oh, they were so CUTE! I want one to hug and squeeze!
The movie trailer guy does Sanjaya like a movie trailer. And he's performing with Joe Perry from Aerosmith. That's just wrong. And they have the big fans to blow his hair around. And he does not deliver, because his hair is boring, so we're just left with his hair and the crying plant girl. At least Joe Perry has a solo, right? Except Sanjaya keeps thinking it's about him and getting all up in Perry's space.
And now Green Day is going to perform a song to save Darfur. If it weren't Green Day, I'd consider listening, because I think Darfur is a sad, sad situation. But Green Day makes me want to throw stuff, and I've already finished spackling everything, so I may fast-forward. I guess I'll listen until the lyrics start ticking me off. Well, the good news is I can't understand a word that guy's singing except "a working class hero is something to fear," and I don't know what the heck that's supposed to mean, so it doesn't anger me. I'm just like, whatever dude. Carefree strips and monster cables. And it has a nice sound. I'd play this in the background while painting or getting a massage, since I can't understand it. Oh look, there's John Lennon on the screen. Wait, now it sounds like "a working class hero is something to pee in." Still, whatever, man.
Ooh! Harry Potter trailer. I'm so hopeful. I'm just setting myself up for disappointment. 'Sokay. Eight days later, I'll be reading Deathly Hallows.
Taylor Hicks, look, he's here! I thought he was too good for us anymore! And he's singing "Heaven Knows," and I'm pretty sure he just forgot the words to his own song for a second. Wow. That is a brave jacket. Very Cirque du Soleil. And yes, he keeps forgetting the words. Dude, it's your own song! I voted for you all season! At least he's playing the harmonica at the end. And you know what, Soul Patrol? Y'all can just deal with it, it's true, he was forgetting the words. Don't look at me, *I* didn't forget them!
Jordin is out in her Disney Princess dress (Sleeping Beauty to be exact), singing "You're All I Need to Get By" with Ruben Studdard. Rowdi is thoroughly ticked off about this. Barking mad dog.
Brad Garrett is at AI. And Bette Midler is singing "Wind Beneath My Wings." Fast forward. That song has funereal meanings for me. Oh, also Bette makes me want to cut myself. I didn't FF, though. And it wasn't good. Maybe she sent Joy Behar in her place. I don't know. Anyway, only fifteen minutes left. Let's rejoice in that. My tailbone hurts, and my dog is grunting a LOT.
There is an Idol performance now, of "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" by Joe Perry and Kelly Clarkson. She's wearing clothing from the Haley Scarnato Clothing Line on her top half. Next is Taylor Hicks, singing "Day in the Life". Apparently this is a Beatles tribute. I'm so glad it's not an Elvis tribute. Then Carrie sings "She's Leaving Home" backed up by the top six girls from this year. And yes, she's about two inches away from a hoo-hah dress. Shame. I'm losing that girl-crush already. Oh well, we had a good run. It looks like Fantasia is the only past winner not here for the finale. She's doing The Color Purple (no understudy? This is American Idol. It made you.). Ruben sings "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds" (the only awful part of the Beatles medley). Then they're all doing "With a Little Help from My Friends." Blake is wearing a marching band uniform.
And that's the show. The entire last act is not on the DVR. So... congratulations... you... guy or girl who won. See you next year!
Ok, I know y'all don't wanna have to watch this torture-fest yourselves, so I'm finding the video for you. CNN's website is too stupid for me. I said show me video of Jordin winning (oops, spoiler alert!), and it tried to show me which Idols have had the biggest success. Carrie, Kelly, and non-winner Clay. Duh, I don't need to watch your stupid video that you tried to force upon me, dufusface. Dangit, I wanna see the Hoff cry again. Stand by.
Forget it. I want the whole last act. I want from last commercial until they go to the House rerun or whatever was after American Idol tonight. So I can give you details. It's just not up yet, that I can find. Not even on SlowTube, at least not at the top of the page, and I'm not sifting through seven pages of crap. It's 3:10 a.m.! What I go through for y'all.
ARGH! I'm so unhappy about this. I want to see it. I'm even more unhappy about the fact that I want to see it. I don't think I could have cared less about this season (well, maybe I could have, but not after Melinda got booted). But I do it for y'all. It's a service. Mmhmm.
BTW, I was watching the Fox News videos about American Idol, hoping they would show me anything worth writing about. The fartface interviewing the top ten kids? He asked The Doo, "So, do you think you'll go back to backup singing now?" Tool of the Week Award goes to you, good sir. Someone do me a favor and go kick that guy in the nads.
SarahK, tripping on Tulips (code word for Fiery Habanero Doritos)-- OUT!
He Loves His Pirate Booty
John Edwards has claim to part of a $500 million sunken pirate treasure. Thus comes the obvious question: What's John Edwards' pirate name?
Silky Beard the Pirate?
It's too bad I don't think he has much of a chance in the primary. With the Pink Sapphire beauty treatments and his managing hedge funds to learn about poverty, the guy is pure comedy gold.
Only 2% Murdered the Poll-Takers!
Ace has a great round-up of headlines trying to spin into a positive a poll that showed 26% of young Muslims in America think suicide bombing is justifiable. Only one paper he found put the actual news in the headline, and I bet you won't guess which.
(hat tip to Hot Air which has a great screencap of FOX News on the subject)
[Sleep Well Tonight America, Nearly Three Quarters of Muslims Polled Don't Want to Kill You, Family, Etc - spacemonkey]
Who Should Be More Surprised
Right now, the bases of both parties feel a bit betrayed: the Republicans by the amnesty bill and the Democrats by the removal of deadlines from the troop funding bill. My question is: Who should feel more surprised?
To me, that the Democrats would eventually cave on the troop funding bill was inevitable because Bush has never backed down on Iraq and the Democrats are extremely sensitive to being labeled anti-military (because they are). A number of Democrats -- apparently not comprehending the rules behind negotiations -- early on said they would back down in the end. Should we have expected more from the Republican Senators about focusing on enforcement over amnesty, though?
I guess I never knew how many Republican Senators don't take border issues very seriously. They had a panel the other day on FOX News where every one of them were trying to explain that the reason people are against the amnesty bill is because they hate brown people. Fred Barnes compared the opposition to it to the opposition early last century to Italians, because that's exactly the same with all the illegal Italians flooding over the U.S./Italy border. To these people, this is all about that we have a bunch of unskilled jobs, and the only way to fill them is the Mexicans. In fact, filling these jobs is so important that the Senators voted for cloture on the bill before even being able to read it.
Anyway, both party bases are upset right now. Maybe we should group hug.
American Idol Season Yawn - "Top" Two, or actually a better title for this would just be American Idol Season Yawn: Finale Eve
So. Finale Eve. I can't say I'm bummed about the result of DWTS, because if I were giving a cumulative winner mirror ball trophy, I'd give it to Apolo and Julianne by a sequin. But based on last night and tonight, especially based on the freestyle, come on. Definitely Joey & Kym. By a Padawan braid. Anyway, well done all of them, but what was up with Emmitt (yay and *sigh*) saying that the mirror ball trophy can be improved upon? I mean, I guess they could put the words in bright red sequins, but I think it's shiny. Oh! Speaking of that! My cousin Kerri had her baby Sunday night, I think, and she named her Kaylee! How shiny is that?! Though I guess that means we're stuck with Inara or Zoe. River's out. I mean, come on. Geographical features? Oh crap. Frank just said that River would be a nice name. "Hi, I'm River Styx Fleming. Would you like to buy my artwork? I made it out of pine needles and moss." Seriously, he is not allowed to name our babies. No no. The only geographical feature I will consider is K2.
Oh yeah. American Idol, is it? Let's to it, then. Ryan says it's 100,000 down, two to go. 100,000 exactly, Ryan? Are your records that good? I want an audit. One guy, one girl.
Is American Idol. What? Did you think I was going to say "is your lucky day. Melinda Doolittle getting kicked off was all your nightmare, and in fact, it's a catfight tonight between the Doo and Jordin"? Better yet, the Doo and the Glock. Or the Doo and that Baylie chick who always forgot the words and didn't make the top 24.
Denise Richards is in the audience. I think we're supposed to be happy. I can't remember. Did she steal Heather's guy, or the other way around? I can't remember which one I'm supposed to hate. I think it's Denise. Booo! Hiss! Queen of putrescence!
Frank just reminded me that we could go with Our Mrs. Reynolds, Saffron. No spices. "Hi, Turmeric Fleming here, reporting live from Antarctica, which no longer exists, here in the future, because we're all dead due to global warming, and Antarctica melted long ago because Al Gore wouldn't stop blowing hot air."
Maybe we're better off with animals and the names we give them. And no, I'm not pregnant, it's only come up now because I'm suddenly freaking out that if we have babies or adopt that adorable little black child we saw on the American Idol Super-Fantastic Charity Challengeathon, Frank will want to name him or her Rocky Outcrop Fleming or Dill Weed Fleming. I'm going to have nightmares. I guess it's better than nightmares about cockroaches, though.
They're in the super-huge Oscar theater, the Kodak. Ryan says "It's another Battle of the Sexes. We've had Justin & Kelly, Bo & Carrie, Taylor & Kat, and now Blake & Jordin." And don't forget Ruben & Clay (kidding! I totally heart Clay!) and Simon & Ryan (no, you're gay!).
Wow. Ok, so the judges must have watched Best Week Ever this week and saw how disappointed everyone was in the judges this season. I totally agree with what BWE said, too. Because when the season started, I was so excited. Paula was off the hook on the local morning talk shows, plus when they started the auditions, she was just ugly to the contestants. Perfect snarky television, a SarahK's dream, y'all! Then they just tanked. It was like this. RANDY: Yo dawg, it wasn't your best performance. (or) You blew it out the box! (or) I don't know man, for me it was just a'ight. I don't know. (or) Melinda, you're our resident pro! Paula? PAULA: How do you feel? Do you feel great? You know what I love about you? Your boots. And that you just get out there, and you're you. You be you. And you're not someone who's not you. (or) You look beautiful, so you should be proud of how you did. (or) Um, I think you need to watch yourself on, um, the low notes [Pennywise], and you look, um... Simon? SIMON: I'm not jumping out of my chair. (or) It was very karaoke. (or) What can I say? (or) I think what Pauler is trying to say is... (or) Melinda, it was great. (or) Melinda, it was fantastic. (or) Melinda, you were outstanding. Far and away the best of the night, in a different league from the rest of the competition tonight. (or) LaKisha, you're out of everyone's league. (or) Haley, smart move not wearing clothes.
Anyway, you know they watched BWE, because they really want people to remember why we love the judges. Randy is wearing a Confederate soldier jacket or somesuch, with brass buttons and chains and everything. Pauler looks like she just rolled out of bed, threw on the outfit that the emcee from The Haunted Mansion at Magic Kingdom wears, drove to the theater with the top down on the car, and pumped in some collagen. Simon looks dashing and full of chest in his Big Event Low-Cut Jacket and Pressed Shirt Ensemble. You know the one.
Ryan asks Pauler if she's ok, because it was in the news that she broke her nose last night. "Are you ok? Are you just bruised?" PAULER: I'm just bruised. I tripped over my dog Tulip. SARAHK: We're not naming our children Tulip either. FRANK: I didn't want to. PAULER: Tulip's fine. SARAHK: Tulip? Must be a matching mitzy dog. RYAN: So the bitch is ok. SARAHK: You and Simon have started up already?
Ryan said the songwriting contest winners (I never even checked out the entries) came from Seattle. Also the finalists. Not the top two, mind you. Just the two finalists. Wow, Blake's hair was spiiiiiiky.
So Blake won the coin toss last week, and he said to Jordin, "Do you wanna go first?" because you know... you always want to go last in the finale. Duh. Jordin said, "Nuh-uh!" and Blake said, "Ok, I'll go first." Dude, you won the coin toss. He doesn't want to win. Before even hearing them, I pronounce Jordin the winner, because Blake has loseritis. He doesn't deserve it if he doesn't even care enough to go second.
So tonight they each sing three songs. One is their favorite. One is something they haven't sung on this show before. And one is the winner of the songwriting competition. The song is called... wait for it... it is a pure American Idol-worthy title, and no, I don't deserve to make fun of it, because I didn't write a song and try to compete in this, and no, I haven't even heard it yet. But based on this song title, it sounds like it's gonna be right up there with "Inside Your Tear Ducts." It's called...
"This is My Now." You don't own "now"s. You own stuff like houses and TVs and even hamburgers right before you eat them. Ok, that's all I will say by way of making fun until I have heard the song. Maybe...
01 Blake is first doing "You Give Love a Bad Name," which was one of his best all season. The beatboxing is better on this than it was the first time he did it (especially on that duelling part with the drummer, man, that was so fantastically ridiculously awesome, yes--I am giving it up for Blake, shut up), and it was good then. No doubt, he is an excellent beatboxer, like Justin Timberlake good. Yeah, I said it, I went there. I've got every CD 'NSYNC ever put out memorized, kids (including the Christmas one, yo), and Blake is on par in the beatboxing department. The singing wasn't that good. I mean, it was on pitch for the most part, but his voice seems like it's a little fatigued. He had the Chris Richardson Bobbing Microphone Syndrome for a lot of the song, probably because he was trying to get into the crowd a little more than he usually does, and that seemed to throw him off. He even said, "I play my part, and I play your game." Either a screw-up, or he's trying to say, look at me, I'm being good and doing what good little AI contestants are supposed to do. I'm working the crowd. Praise me for it, judges. RANDY: Yo yo, here's the deal. I can't even hear myself talk. (Major standing O.) I give you a 10 out of 10 on the beatboxing. The singing for me was just alright. SARAHK: I know, right? PAULA: I'm gonna go clean Randy's ears out for him, because he's hearing something that we're not hearing. You outdid yourself, you were far superior to when we were at CBS (or CVS? is she talking about pharmaceuticals or a television studio?). I wish I could give you a ten plus ten plus ten plus ten. SARAHK: Where were you all season, Crazy Allegedly Drugged Up Pauler with the Nappy Hair? I've missed you so! You've been holding out! SIMON: Blake, you're not the best singer in the competition, but you are the best performer that we've had in the competition. SARAHK: I'll agree with that. And actually, when he's on, his singing voice is loverly. Remember that Keane song? Not much comes to mind since then that I loved, but anyway, I know he can sing. SIMON: Somewhere in the middle there, I thought the performance was great, the energy amazing, I thought the singing actually was a bit flat, I felt you were shouting. But I don't think it matters, because it was your best performance three or four weeks ago. SARAHK: Well, three or four weeks ago, the Doo was still here, too, and now you totally just harshed my mellow, Simon, and I think that's a drug reference, which is kind of silly and irrelevant of me to make, because I've never done a drug.
I just asked Frank to close the patio door, because he's going to bed without me so I can watch and blog this. Because you live for it, remember. I've told you as much. "But Sydney's out on the patio." "Would you mind getting her, please?" He looked at me all surprised, then looked down at himself and back at me, like I didn't already know what he was wearing. He's wearing only Homer Simpson boxers. "I don't think people are out on the golf course staring in at our patio. And if they are, they're sick." He is cute in those boxers, though. But you quit picturing it, ladies. He's MINE!
02 Jordin is starting with the song she's never done before. She's doing Christina Aguilera's "Fighter." That's a hard song to sing, I would never ever be brave enough to attempt it. Especially not on All Finale's Eve. Ok, first off she looks great. I LOVE that top she has on. I would wear it if it were a little less spaghetti-strappy. But I love that fade-to-black bottom-to-top thing. Very upside-down freshly-dipped paintbrushy. Not that everything I see reminds me of paint and paintbrushes or anything. Hair looks great. I love her hair any way she wairs it. Oh my, look how I spelled wairs. That's *wears*, people. *wears* Ahem. Now to the singing. I don't know if it's our sound because we only have the center speaker plugged in (but all the sound is just coming out of that instead of splitting to 5.1, so it should be fine), but she sounds very exposed, I can hardly hear the band, and the sound on this one is just bad. It wasn't that way on Blake's song, so I don't think it's our sound. Jordin keeps grabbing at her hair like she's really feeling gritty about how much stronger she feels and how she's such a nitty gritty dirty fighter because of whatever the song says. That's all fine and good, but Jordin, you really look like you're in pain. Not like you're stronger--like you've just tripped over Tulip. Who is fine, by the way. The beginning of the song, she seems like she's just working to get all those fast words out, and I would be too. Very courageous song to sing on Finale Eve, like I said. Then there's a little bridge before she does the last chorus, and she's actually getting screechy and trying to be all Christina-y. Here's the thing: It is so hard to do Christina songs even at karaoke bars in East Fort Worth at 1 a.m. where you're the only not-drunk person in the bar and they will give anyone who can carry a tune in a bucket a standing ovation for the simple act of not falling off the stage before the end of the song. And on American Idol? She's just too good, and we're just too picky as AI fans. And with the band laying out like it's doing (seriously, why is Jordin so exposed here? It sounds almost like she is singing with a bad copy of a copy of an audition tape, and cassette tape at that), you can't do all those runs where you just sing one note and trill and bang and pop and whir your voice beautifully and incoherently until the end of the song. You have to have a bunch of underneath stuff to sing over, or it doesn't work, and where are the backup singers? They're barely even there when they have a solo. IS IT JUST ME? I'm almost getting angry at them. And ouch, that is a screeeeeeechy note there, Jordin. I give an A for effort, a C for that screechy note which was going pretty well until then, an F to the band and sound technicians, and an F to her BFFs who allowed her to pick that song. At the very least, she should have cut it off much earlier. Woo. Look at Jordin's hot mama. She has her hair all done up for the Finale Eve, and she is even prettier than usual. There is no question where Jordin gets her looks. RANDY: Check it out (repeat 4x). This is a very interesting night tonight. I feel like we've got the great entertainer. SARAHK: Billy Joel? RANDY: against the great singer. SARAHK: Celine Dion? Shut up! She has an awesome voice, and I don't care how crazy she is! I know she's a little off and loves to sing with dead people and get photographed with other people's neckid newborn babies, but I love her voice, and I cried when I saw her in concert. Cried! So just... SO'S YOUR FACE! RANDY: I mean, it wasn't your greatest entertainment thing, but your voice, I mean, that was stellar. You got the vocal! (x2) PAULA: I knew that this was gonna be one of the best finales ever. SARAHK: Yes, I'll put it in the top six for sure. Of all time, even. Top six of all time. PAULA: And the two of you opening up the show tonight proved it. You were stellar. Awesome. SIMON: Jordin, on a positive note, I think it's great that you chose a younger song, because you are only 17. SARAHK: Is she? I hadn't heard that. SIMON: I thought that the vocals were a bit shrieky in the middle. (Boos from audience, agreement from SarahK.) SIMON: (Puts on his sunglasses)... I'm gonna call... round one... (takes off his sunglasses)... to Blake.
Look, there's Constantine making love to the camera, nodding thoughtfully, and pretending he's there for anything other than publicity. And look at me giving it to him.
RYAN: What do you think, Paula. PAULA: I'm a blubbering allegedly doped up mess, but it's only because I allegedly tripped over Stargazer. You're not gonna get me to say anything but it's an amazing tie! SARAHK: Amazing! RANDY: Performance to Blake, vocals to Jordin. SARAHK: Roughly translated, that means that without the beatboxing, Jordin would have kicked Blake's pinkies and his toes all over Hollywood, Dawg. And I have to go with Blake because even though she did more vocally, so much was wrong with her performance. There was more right with Blake's than wrong.
Ugh. Only 20 minutes in. I'm sleepy.
Blake asked for a drumset growing up and never got one. In high school he heard someone beatboxing and decided he wanted to learn. Come on, Blake, you know you learned it from 'NSYNC. It's ok. No one will be mad.
Ok. So Blake's second song is "She Will Be Loved" by Maroon 5. I love pretty much every song off Songs About Jane. I would have loved for Blake to sing anything by Five for Fighting here, because he just did Maroon 5, what, last week? Anyway, yeah, his vocal chords are done now. He's having a hard time even getting the notes out. He still manages to get through the song, but I don't know how he's going to get through the song about Owning Now. Boy needs some whiskey and honey or something. If he played hockey, I'd say give him saline IVs, but I don't think those will work for him right now. He's gonna have to hope that 1) Jordin screws up royally; 2) Melinda's fans are totally ticked off that Melinda's not in the Finale Eve, so they vote for Blake to spite the one girl left in the competition; 3) his little teener girls are mindlessly pushing the buttons no matter what, because they love him more than fake crying plant girls love Sanjaya. One more thing about the performance: he should pull up those pants. His butt sticks out as it is (says the holder of the world record for Most Junk in Trunk), and having everything falling out everywhere in the back just accentuates the issue. RANDY: Yo, check it out dawg, baby. Great song, and a very nice vocal. I love just hearing you sing nice and pure like that. SARAHK: You heard where he could barely finish his notes because he needs a Halls, right? Are you patronizing him? And why are you still wearing the Confederate jersey? Hey look, it's Doyle! And he's all healed from his explosion! Awesome, I'm glad he's not blind. PAULA: It's good that the big number stop it Simon still we're in the Kodak Theater and he starts up the first number's out of the way this really sits you like really got into the ease of the song it starts up you sound great relaxed you sound great out there! BLAKE: (look on his face is priceless--mwhuh?) Thank you. (I think?) SARAHK: Where was freaking Tulip all season long?? Hunting squirrels? Sniffing other mitzy dog butts? What the heck, Pauler? This is why you're on the show, and you've not been bringing it like this all season. I'm really disappointed, because now I know you can do it, and you've just been sandbagging. I'm sending you 20 Tulips FedEx tomorrow, and don't lose them. Or you're getting voted off and replaced by someone who can be crazy all the time and wants the job:Fear the Lohan, Pauler. Seriously, she'll show up late, drunk, everything. And then go on Martha Stuart, where Martha will totally call her on her partying, and I will shriek in glee. Nigels! Get on it! This is the Pauler we want, or we want Lohan. Or Britney. "Um, there was like, too much singing in your singing. And your microphone is too big. And you don't sound like a squeaky mouse. And I just caught a bug in a jar for fun and dropped my baby on his head. Huh? Huh?" Pauler needs to own it. Just be you, Pauler. SIMON: It was good, safe, it wasn't as good as the first performance. I actually wouldn't have chosen that song in the final, because I don't think it makes that much of an impact. (Ryan says Blake has never seen an AI finale. Poser!) SARAHK: Is no one going to mention that he's really hoarse? Should I go relisten? Ouch. On the relisten, I noted not only the cracky, hoarsey voice but also mega pitch issues. But man, he has such a pretty tone to his voice. I do love the sound of it.
Oooh. Jordin's doing Martina McBride after the break. If she does "A Broken Wing" at least as well as she did it the first time, she wins. This was probably her best song all season, so she has a good shot. Especially since Blake has no voice left.
Jordin always wanted to sing. She's happy.
02 Jordin is singing "A Broken Wing." Looks great. Nice almost-navy top that's almost to her knees (is that a new trend I'm missing or something?) over jeans. Modest, lovely. Eek, there's some kind of dove or something on the back of her
Oh look! Jennifer The Queen of the World Hudson has graced us with her presence. How kind of her.
Scott something and Someone Peabody from Seattle won the songwriting contest. Guys--y'all are gonna make a boatload of money off this song. Even if it sucks. Which I don't know, because I haven't heard it yet. But I have seen the title. Congratulations, really.
Rowdi just sighed and grunted, because we're about to hear "This is My NOW" for the first time. Rowdi says, "This is my sleep time."
01 Blake sings it first. What is with the argyle sweaters tonight? I feel like he's sewn a ton of socks together for Finale Eve. I mean, is there a special store? Argyle Addicts Attic? "This is my now, and I am breathing in the moment. As I look around, I can't believe the love I see. My fears behind me. Gone are the shadows and doubt that was there..." Deep breaths, SarahK. Deep breaths. I mean, it's a good boy band song. Good enough for Backstreet Boys and 98 Degrees. Not 'NSYNC-worthy. Definitely more of a girl song, and I feel for Blake having to sing this, I do, but he is sooo going at this halfway. Like "Uh, yeah, I'll sing it, but I'm going to project to everyone that I'm way too cool for it." He tries this wacky jumping gyrating to the side thing in the middle of it that just kind of makes it worse and brings back the CRBM Disease. Ha, I have a Randy Jackson in the Confederacy jacket freeze-frame right now. I cannot get over that ridiculous jacket. For the rest of my life, I think I'll always think of Randy when I hear the word "Gettysburg." Anyway, Blake's voice is back, but he's not even trying to pretend to try to sing this song. Hey Blake, you knew you were going to have to sing a crappy pop song (which, btw, is already growing on me) if you made it to the finals when you signed on. Don't act all surprised. Anyway, I think Jordin's gonna punch Blake in the face with this song, because it's just her kind of song.
On the way to Lowe's today, Frank was asking me what kind of songs each will have to sing to win it all. "Oh, Blake will have to beatbox some and do some smoothy smooth lovely vocals some. But he has that vacant-headed teenager vote no matter what, so some of his voters are going his way whether he does well or not. I mean, he looks like a skunk now and still made it to the finals. They don't even care about his hair! They're going on past looks and past singing. They're going on two songs and the dream of what he could look like if they wash that skunk right out of his hair." "What about Jordin?" "I'm glad you asked. Jordin will have to sing Disney songs. Not actual Disney songs, necessarily, but the kinds of songs that you can imagine playing over the end credits of a Disney movie or a big love-theme epic like Titanic or some such movie. Songs with big money notes. Oh, and 'Broken Wing.' She definitely needs to do that one again, it was probably her best one this year."
Anyway. Blake basically ignored the song and was pitchy when he half-sang it. He wants to lose this thing. (Chris Sligh is sooo cheering him at the end of the song.) RANDY: Yo, ok, so Blake. I know something here. SARAHK: Sure ya do. RANDY: This isn't normally the type of song that probably suits your voice. You did ok. It was just a'ight, man, just a'ight. You don't have to feel that bad about it. SARAHK: Maybe if you would have tried singing it... PAULA: Even if it's not the genre of music you like or enjoy, I think you did a great job on the song. (Blake is just smiling a big, fake smile that says, "It is such a dumb girl song. I feel like I should be wearing a dress." SarahK says, "Maybe if you tried wearing the dress, got more into character, you would have actually sung it?") SIMON: I thought it was all a little odd. SARAHK: So's your face! SIMON: How did you feel? (Blake just smiles all blank. Nothing there. Maybe I'll call him Blank.) SIMON: All the jumping around in the middle... (Blake laughs and looks like he's trying to hide something. Hmm. I'll ask the question on your minds...) SARAHK: Did you feel like he farted on stage and was trying to spread the smell around so it would be gone by the time Ryan got up there so Ryan wouldn't say anything? SIMON: You looked a bit frustrated. The truth is, it's not a bad song, just not the type of song you would normally sing. I think we have to judge you tonight on your first two songs, because there's more than one song in the competition. SARAHK: Thennnn why have him sing the third? SIMON: But I've gotta say, I always said there was talent in Seattle, and I was right. (That's a lie.)
Blake says he thinks it's the first time Simon's lied. RYAN: You did the best you could do with that song, it was hard for you, huh? BLAKE: Yeah. Yeah. RYAN: He's biting his tongue. SARAHK: He's being diplomatic. It's nice of him. Except that, in a way, you can tell what he wants to say, so it would almost be more diplomatic for him to say, "Yeah, well, it's not my comfortable genre, and I did what I could considering that it stretched my range as much as it did, and I'm sure the songwriters are interested to see Jordin's take on it." You don't say you like it, etc.
Ryan says if you want to download the winning song, you can get that at americanidol.com. I provide a service by telling you this. Snicker.
02 Jordin is singing "This is My NOW." I wish she would change the words. "This is my cow, and I am shoveling manu-re. As I look around, I can't believe the hay she eats. Her rear's gigantic. No wonder she can't find a bull.. to make her complete... This is my cow." Not bad for a one-minute parody at 3:30 a.m. I hate the dress Jordin is wearing. Love the earrings. Yeah, this is much better than Blake's rendition. Money notes all over the end half of the song. I'm still wondering why the band keeps leaving Jordin exposed. Ugh, I can't get over the grammar of this song. Oh! Choked up at the end when Jordin is trying not to cry so she can finish singing. The first half was a little pitchy and shaky, but the second half was much better. Jordin wins the night and the title. If she can get that vibrato under control, she'll be a great Idol. RANDY: Blah blah blah AI is the best singing competitionever in the history of television, bar none, blah blah blah, I can't feel my legs I'm so happy, that was fire! There's a fire! SARAHK: Why have they shown Constantine 20 times tonight? Who cares about him? Is he paying them to do that? RANDY: You were the best singer tonight! SARAHK: Yes. Pauler, make me proud. It's your last one of the season. Trip on Tulips. PAULA: Jordin, I said before and I don't know what to say and you frickin' make me proud and I look over to the left and I see your parents, and I see them singing along with you, and I see the joy on their faces, and you have a lot to be proud of, and you're an angel. This is a great night for you. SIMON: Jordin, last week, I am going to be honest with you, I didn't think you were good enough to make the finals. SARAHK: You thought it should be Melinda/Blank? Huh. Tripping on Tulips? SIMON: And I want to say to you publicly now, I was wrong. Because this is, in case we forget sometimes, a singing competition, and you just wiped the floor with Blake on that song. SARAHK: Definitely. Of course, she did sing it, that helped. Oh, stop crying, for crying out loud, Jordin. RANDY: Yo! Yo! Yo! SARAHK: Fetch him his yo yo, he's lost it. Hey look! Kathy Griffin! And she's nodding and all teary-eyed in the audience.
I give it to Jordin. Blake's beatboxing "You Give Love a Bad Name" was outstanding, but his vocals on all three songs were not good. Just keeping it real, dawg. And look at him in all that argyle! What is going ON? Jordin came out and acted like she wants it. For one, she didn't go shopping in her dad's '70s closet for her clothes. Her first song was a little messy, but the second and third were pretty good for a Finale Eve show. Remember, Finale Eve shows tend to suck. Remember Carrie and Bo were both pretty bad that night? Anyway, Jordin came out and sang her butt off, even if it got rough in spots. After the beatboxing was over, Blank didn't seem to care much. And once he got to the 3rd song, I kinda felt like he'd been lying to me in the first two songs, because he sounded all hoarse and cracky in those, and then in song #3, suddenly he had a voice? Not that he used, but it was there. Weird night for him.
Back at the judges' table... Ryan asks Randy something about Simon admitting he was wrong. Suddenly Paula trips on Tulips and shouts out to the stage (the cameras are pointing toward the audience, with all house lights up, mind you), "CHRIS! CHRIS! I LOVE YOU!" Ryan, Randy, and Simon just pretend that nothing is happening in Paula's Crazy Town. Randy says Jordin wins. Paula says everybody is a winner, and I think Daughtry must be onstage about to perform, because Paula says she won't commit, "And you know why? Because what you're about to see onstage tells you the story why." So I'm guessing she's saying that even coming in 4th makes you a winner. Simon says the best individual performance of the night was Blake on the first song, but based on the overall night, Jordin. And Pauler says, "But we're all winners!" And the judges all join in the chorus of "We're all winners! We're all winners! Winning is fun!" Why is that? And Pauler's needling Ryan. "Why is that? Why is that? Why is that?" 'Cause someone else is all losers, I guess.
That was the longest hour-long Finale Eve ever. What a beating.
May 22, 2007
24 Day 6 -- the Season Finale
Thank goodness it's over. See how low a priority this bleh season was for us? Even the season finale got saved for the next day.
Yeah, it always works well, that "going through the motions of handing stuff over" thing. Nothing ever goes wrong when they do stuff like that. And they never find those tracking devices, right, Berus?
Oh yeah, apologizing to the Russians. That's a good move. All the strong presidents do that.
CTU's really good about letting people in custody use cellphones. A lot.
Suh-NAPP! Bill isn't taking Shrill's phone calls. And that lasted all of two seconds. It must be love. Aww. But they're no Tony and Michelle. Who are dead, allegedly. I love how CTU's all up in Bill's business. "This subpoena covers your family photo albums, plus all your Playboys. Hand them over. We're particularly interested in July 1986."
Nadia (Yassir) is a mole, just like I said all along. Just you watch. "You're not going off-book on this." How 'bout I smash a book in your face? He's an innocent kid being pawned off against his will, not a piece of furniture, and we should be kicking Russia's pinkytoe for even threatening to pee in our general direction.
That's kind of crappy of Milo's brother to say, that Milo wasn't actually brave. He just did it because he was in love with Nadia (Yassir). Yeah? Well earlier in the day, he had someone to protect out in the field, and he did some pretty cool, brave stuff, so maybe you should just shut your face. Furthermore, SO'S YOUR FACE!
OOH! I'M AWESOME! I totally called that. Right before Doyle opened the component thingy, I said, "Or that could be a bomb. They have no reason to play nice." Boom. This is why you don't negotiate with terrorists. Have I mentioned that before?
Has our side done anything right since Jack kicked the guy out of the back of the subway car and made him explode in the tunnel instead of at Union Station?
"I should have listened to you Jack." "You did what you thought was right." Is Jack EVER going to say, "You know what? Yeah. You shoulda. And since you didn't, more people are probably going to die, stupid. You're a horrible leader. You should quit before you screw up something else. Remember I used to run this place." Of course, that's before he was tortured for two years by the Chinese...
Nice. Doyle will be blind in at least one eye. Good job, Yassir (Nadia).
I think Milo's brother poisoned Chloe by sticking her with something or touching her with something when he hugged her, and that's why she passed out. Or Nadia did it. She couldn't be less concerned about her. Oh yeah, there's option #3. She's preggers. That would explain why she's been a complete cranky bore for 23+hours.
BTW, Brother Biscuit has been pretty much the only character I liked this season.
Hey, VPOTT, do you really think the Russians are gonna be happy if they don't see the circuit board to know for sure it's destroyed? You're not thinking clearly.
Nadia (Yassir) to Jack: "I can't authorize that mission." You forget he doesn't work for you.
Evil Granpappy Bauer says that Josh is behaving like a child. Maybe because he is one.
I swear, EGB is gonna tell Josh that he's his father. Wow, I'm impressed the kid had it in him. Jack: "I promise, you do not want to live with the pain of killing another person." "Yeah, but I also don't want to live with the Chinese. They're communist!"
Jack's a moron. His dad is so not gonna just die. He should have finished him off. And who wants to bet that Chang doesn't have the component? Betcha EGB has it.
Total Sunglasses Moment. Suvarov is talking to VPOTT, and they're on speakerphone, and Suvarov, in a moment of complete melodrama, picks up the receiver on his end of the line. He's not asking any questions of VPOTT or anything, just saying that he regrets that his country almost killed itself and stuff. He doesn't ask the people in his office to leave the room, and he doesn't say to VPOTT, "Hey, could you take me off speaker, please? I want to say a bunch of stuff I don't mean." Just takes him off speakerphone on his own end.
Oh, and how about that whole, "We just heard the Chinese saying that they have a sub 10 minutes off your coast." We wouldn't know if the Chinese had a sub 10 minutes off our coast? How much do we suck if that happens? And if Russia hears it first, we're so screwed. Y'all know those guys are totally BFFs, and we're like the third friend that they both pretend to be friends with but then as soon as we leave the lunch table they're all talking about how ugly our shoes are.
Wow, Laura Ingraham's walk-on role was in the season finale. The show should feel honored.
Brother Biscuit is a good guy.
Yes, Chloe is pregnant.
They always say that to Jack. "Jack, I understand you're angry." "Audrey's all I've got." Her? I keep waiting for her pop her eyes open all sudden-like and say, "Jack, we need to talk about our relationship."
Wow, when the main action was over, there was still a half hour left in the show. We kept waiting for something to happen. It didn't. Yet we also kept seeing commercials for "Do you want more? Go see the Day 6 Debrief after the season finale!" and every time I would just say, "Actually, no. I don't want more. I want it to stop."
I guess they just tied up most of the loose ends, let Jack cry some more, and showed that basically they can take the show in any direction next year (rework, anyone? I vote for SD-6 or APO). One loose end I don't think they tied up is what they gave China to get Jack back at the beginning of the season. Did I miss that?
At least it's done for now. Let's hope for a much more exciting next season. And as I've said before, Frank and I are willing to write for the show, as long as we can telecommute from Texas, don't have to work Sundays or Wednesday nights, and I can still snark it.
Sex Slavery Ring Exploits Illegals
Read about this on Captains Quarters
The women involved all appear to have been illegal immigrants exploited by coyotes for their pimping business:
Maybe they were just doing the.. um.. 'jobs' y'know that Americans won't do.
In My World: Hating Brown People
"I think you Mexicans will find this new amnesty plan to be very generous," President Bush told the group of Mexicans assembled at the table in front of him. "You just have to pay your fines and back taxes and then you're all set."
"Why should we pay your taxes, Gringo?" the head Mexican asked. "We're Mexican; we don't pay your taxes. You give us amnesty without back taxes!"
Bush thought about that. "Okay... I guess you don't need to pay taxes. Just pay the fines and everything will be even-Steven."
"The fines are too much. We don't want to pay no fines!"
"Why should we pay any fines? You guys tricked us over here! We were happy in Mexico."
"Well... I guess fines might be harsh, then."
"You pay us!"
"You pay us to apologize for hassling us for crossing into land which is really ours! You do it or we leave!!"
"No no! Don't leave!" Bush pulled out his wallet. "I have twenty bucks; how's that?"
The head Mexican snatched the twenty dollar bill. "That will do... for now."
"So when do they get to vote?" Nancy Pelosi chimed in. "Can they vote tomorrow?"
"There's not an election tomorrow."
"Why don't we give them all the vote and hold an election tomorrow!" Pelosi exclaimed.
"I don't know about voting," the head Mexican said. "You aren't going to make us pay taxes in the future so we can vote, are you?"
"Well... you kinda have to pay taxes to be citizens," Bush said sheepishly.
"Maybe we don't want to be citizens. Maybe we want to come here, do whatever we want, and not pay taxes."
"And vote!" Pelosi shouted. "Don't forget to vote!" She turned to Bush. "Why don't we just let all Mexicans vote as part of the compromise?"
"And we want bridges," the Mexican said. "We hate getting wet crossing over here. Build us bridges!"
"I don't know if the Republican base will like allowing all Mexicans to come over here and do whatever they want and vote."
"And the border guards annoying us," the head Mexican said. "We want you to murder them."
"I really think my Republican base isn't going to like us sanctioning the murder of border patrol agents," Bush said.
"Why not?" Pelosi asked. "It's because they hate brown people, that's why. You're either for murdering border patrol or you hate brown people!"
"You better do it!" the head Mexican threatened. "Or we'll stop picking your lettuce!"
Bush stood up in shock. "But lettuce in the basis of a garden salad! What would salad be without it!"
"That's why you better think of what's more important to you: Us Mexicans or your Republican base!" The Mexicans all got up to leave. "We're taking some chairs with us. For our next meeting, make sure you know how to speak Spanish."
The Mexicans grabbed chairs from the meeting table and left the room. "Don't forget to register to vote!" Pelosi called out to them. "Actually, registering isn't important; just show up to the polls." She turned to Bush. "I think this compromise on immigration is turning out very well."
Bush frowned. "Yeah, but you're a soulless harpy. I'm more worried about what Republicans are going to think."
* * * *
"How has it been going explaining to the Republican base that the reason they have a problem with the immigration bill is because they hate brown people?" Bush asked Tony Snow.
"I've been hit in the head with a beer bottle three times so far." He rubbed his temple. "You know, it hurts more when it doesn't shatter."
"Of course I know that!" Bush shouted. "Aren't they happy that we're giving them the fence they want to satiate their brown people hatred?"
"They like the fence, but they're not thrilled about the air conditioned walkways you're going to build over the fence. This bill really seems to be hurting the last bit of approval rating you have. Most of the Republican Presidential candidates are scoring points off of bashing the plan; Tom Tancredo has gone up three points in the polls vowing that, if Mexicans continue to invade, he'll nuke Mecca. Also, Jimmy Carter called you the worst president in history."
"What?!" Bush exclaimed. "Worst out of all the presidents? Himself included?"
Tony nodded. "He said your so bad, he'd almost think that you're a Jew."
Bush thought for a moment. "With all the uproar -- especially from Republican voters -- I'm starting to wonder if we Republican politicians miscalculated on this bill." He shook his head. "No. The last thing I should do is listen to other people. You stick to the message, Snowman, and tell all the Republicans that the only reason they are angry is because they hate brown people. Tell them to stop worrying since it's not like this problem will go on forever since eventually all the Mexicans will sneak in here and then illegal immigration will stop for good." Bush thought for a moment. "Well, we might still have some Guatemalans sneak in, but they'll have to trek through what will then be the vast wasteland of Mexico, and most of them should die in the journey." He looked back at Tony. "So tell the angry Republicans that most of the Guatemalans will die. That should make them happy. Oh, but only tell them in Spanish; they all need to start learning that language/"
Tony looked pretty nervous. "Maybe I should focus more on talking up how things are going in Iraq."
Bush jumped to his feet. "Hey! I have an idea! Maybe we can solve things in Iraq by having an open border there too!"
"Actually, part a big part of the problem is terrorists slipping in through the porous Syrian and Iranian borders."
"Is that what the Iraqis say?" Bush sat back down. "I think what's really the problem is that the Iraqis hate brown people."
H. Rachel Perot
Rachel Lucas has been back at least seven times over the course of her blogging "career" and I'm sure that she'll be back at least a dozen more times.
She's the H. Ross Perot of the blogophere.. she's in the race... she's out of the race... she's in the race... she's out of the race.
All that's missing in the squirrelly bald-headed billionaire with jug ears announcing it all on Larry King.
Yes, I'm hoping that she's here to stay, but come on - part of the fun with Rachel is counting up the posts before it all comes tumbling down again.
Speaking of which... anybody seen Spacemonkey recently?
Hold on... is... is... is Spacemonkey really Rachel Lucas?
Oh. God. NO!
A Message... From the Past!
In case I'm still to busy to finish a post for today and no other IMAOer steps up, here a post I made last night and scheduled to post today. Yes, it's true: Computers have advanced enough to allow a post to made in the past and then transported to the future (it's called a "scheduled" post). Hello peoples of the future; it is I, past Frank!
I may have the first In My World™ in quite some time up later today (tomorrow for me, past Frank), but I, past Frank, have no idea whether your current Frank have the time to finish it. If not, don't blame me, past Frank; blame lazy, incompetent future Frank (your current Frank). Anyway, there is plenty of reading over at Eject! Eject! Eject! where Whitler has posted parts one and two of his new essay "You Are Not Alone." I probably won't have time to read it tomorrow (today), so tell me if it's as awesome as always. Not that I'll probably have time to read your comments because I'm way behind on e-mail (but they will be read eventually! No comment is in vain!).
In super awesome news, Rachel Lucas is back! She first announced at Eject! Eject! Eject! that she now has her site back up at her old URL. If you don't know who she is, that's too bad. The current IMAO logo is actually a butchered version of the one she made me back for in October of 2002 when I finally got my own URL. She was gone a long long time, but now she's back. Hooray!
Well, that's all the free time I have for today (last night). Maybe, after this new immigration bill, it's just time to admit we're all beat and go ahead and hire some illegal Mexicans to finish this painting. What did I need twelve-foot ceilings for? It's not like I ever planned on playing basketball in here.
Oh yeah; I needed the clearance for katana practice. I gashed the ceiling of the apartment I used to live in pretty bad. I'm sleepy...
May 21, 2007
Free Ice Cream Delay
Sorry; I had an In My World™ about the immigration bill nearly completed last night, but this the first time I've gotten to a computer so far today. I'll finish it up for tomorrow. Sorry.
Wait... why am I apologizing? It's not like you pay me for this. Know what: PayPal me $20 and I'll apologize to you.
May 20, 2007
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Usually for a bill to become a law, it has to be passed by the House and the Senate and signed by the President, but once Fred Thompson made a bill into law by saying, "This bill is now the law" and punching Bill Clinton in the nads.
May 19, 2007
Movie Madness! UPDATED with answers and clues
Ok, I'm updating
I've been tagged by wRitErsbLock with a movie meme. Here are the rules, which I, of course, won't follow. I don't like rules.
Pick out ten favorite movies, then look them up at IMDb. In the overview at the top of each movie’s page, there are “Plot Keywords,” usually five of them. (Plus more, if you click the link.) Take the first five, and post them. Then the rest of us get to play movie buff and see if we can guess them.
Of course, instead of ten, since ten would take about two minutes for you smartypantses to get, Frank and I went through the movies together and picked out 50 off our DVD shelves (ok, I think we don't own two on the list, but I reeeeally want #43). Here's what I want your answer format to look like, because I am nothing if not bossy:
# - Name of movie - any other comments you may want to share about the movie. Go!
1 - Eavesdropping / Masquerade / Newspaper Editor / Poetry / Library - hint: "I would sell my grandmother for a drink - and you know how I love my grandmother."
Bonus: New today!! 51 - Long Take / Suspense / Interracial Romance / Brother / Space Opera - hint: "If you can't do somethin' smart, do somethin' right." [Argh. This movie has way too many awesome quotes.]
I don't think anyone I tagged actually did this yet, or ever will probably. Feel free to do this one on your blog and link this post so I can go play. I love these!
May 18, 2007
Don't Talk About the Sacred Underwear!
I think Hugh Hewitt demonstrated exactly how Mitt Romney shouldn't handle the Mormon issue. As Ducky blogged about earlier, Peggy Noonan made joking reference to Mormon temple garments and Hugh Hewitt took it upon himself to get offended on behalf of Mormons. What Noonan said seemed harmless enough to me, so I checked the comments on Hugh's post to find a number of Mormons saying that it was way out of bounds to talk about their temple garments because they considered them sacred.
I'm sorry, but you can't say, "Yes, we have special underwear, but it's sacred so you shouldn't talk about it!" and expect the average American to respond "Oh. Okay." and leave it there. I had heard passing derogatory references (I'm guessing left-wing blogs that are anti-religion in general) to special Mormon underwear, but I was never curious enough to look into the issue until I saw Mormons getting all fussy about the subject. Then I had to know.
I suspect Romney (who is by far my favorite of the current Republican big three) already knows this, but if the issue of temple garments gets brought up in a public forum and he, instead of just chuckling, gets as offended as Hugh Hewitt, that will be it for his campaign because everyone will be talking about Mormon temple garments and there will be nothing but sacred underwear jokes on late night shows for at least a week. That will be hard to recover from.
Just to clarify, saying that it was a bad idea for Hugh Hewitt to make an issue of Peggy Noonan's joke doesn't mean I actually thought the joke was funny or that I don't think it was a cheap shot.
Matthew Ebel - LIVE in concert
Matthew Ebel is out on tour.
Oh, and he's going to be streamed LIVE at 7:00PM Central Time tonight.
If you have no idea who he is, well, I suggest you check him out.
He's really good.
Plus, this being a somewhat right-wing conservative Christian humor site, well, Matthew has his Christian influences to his music.
Keep an ear out for "I Know You're There" - it is a kickass song.
(And it's brought to you by, of all people, the token Jew of IMAO. Go figure.)
What We Think
John Hawkins has another poll of right-wing bloggers on the issues. The one I found most surprising is we would most want to be President if we had to choose from the Democrats' big three (Hillary, Obama, and Edwards). Check it out, yo.
Horrible timing. Just horrible.
(crossposted from mountaineer musings)
I'm a huge Caller ID lover. It's the greatest creation since Fred Thompson's DNA. And before we got a digital phone, we didn't have it, so I basically never answered the phone; everything went straight to voicemail. Frank did not understand this.
FRANK J.: The phone is ringing; why don't you answer it?
Then we got a digital phone after months of me needling him about cheaper phone bills.
SARAHK: Nyah nyah nyah. $40 a month for just call waiting? That's craaaaaazy!
Frank still didn't get why I was so happy with Caller ID. He was just glad it shut me up, somewhat. I still griped when he answered the phone.
SARAHK: Who is it on the phone?
Still he didn't get it. Until now. See, now he's home all the time, and the phone rings about ten times a day, and it's always either 800 Service, someone named Courthouse Square who always hangs up on us and seems incredibly surprised if we answer, or my mom. We answer when my mom calls, because we like her, and if we don't answer, she'll just call my cell phone anyway.
FRANK J.: I can't believe it! It's 800 Service again!
Well. Now Frank is completely on board with Caller ID. But occasionally we'll get a very persistent caller. For a while it was Men's Wearhouse. We got fed up, called their American number, used the "h" word with them (harassment), and funny thing -- we just got a $0 statement and a letter stating that all derogatory references have been removed from our credit report. The blood bank is another persistent one, but we understand, because Frank is a good donor and has a good blood type (I can't donate because of my epilepsy stigma, even though I've never had a convulsion or anything close to one), and with the tornadoes here last year, they really need him.
Today I decided to do something different and answer the phone. 800 Service has been calling all week and not leaving messages. The blood suckers always leave automated messages, and Men's Wearhouse is taken care of, so I wanted to know who was calling. Frank walked in the door just as this happened, so he caught the tail end of my horrible timing issue. Here's how it went. Oh, just know this: I talked to my sister for a long time last night and subsequently left the phone off the charger.
Ring! 800 Service. Again. Ok, fine. I'll just answer it.
SARAHK: [MY PHONE WENT DEAD.] NO! COME BACK!
Frank is always getting onto me for leaving the phone off the charger, and now that Navy Vet is going to think I HUNG UP ON HIM!
I'm so ashamed.
Underwear: Boxers, Briefs, or Temple?
Hugh Hewitt seems to have taken offense to something written by Peggy Noonan.
"While the other candidates bang away earnestly in a frozen format, Thompson continues to sneak up from the creek and steal their underwear--boxers, briefs and temple garments."
What say you IMAO readers. Do you agree or disagree?
Please sound off in this IMAO reader poll.
Since it's Friday, I thought I'd spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka "I-MEOW").
Not that it matters, because Jerry Falwell said that the AntiChrist was male, Jewish and alive.
I meet all three criteria, so I might as well turn in my application, right?
Anyway, it's time for... for... um... er...
If you're not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that "political humor" thing, it doesn't. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that this scene represents...... um...
Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.
I'll also be returning to Shire Network News this week with an audio version of my various rants on... that's right... the "Reverend" Falwell.
WHAT REALLY HAPPENED
That is the ground floor of my rebuilt clocktower on Podcaster Island in Second Life.
The area is called "Piper Point" and that's her photograph there in the base of the tower.
Yes, that wind-up midget butler is my avatar. And he's really busy working on a virtual nuclear weapon to nuke the virtual moon. (I've modified the cigar-band so it says "Magritte")
MPAA Adds Islam As Film-Rating Factor
(AP) Following the Motion Picture Association of America's recent decision to take a more negative view of tobacco use in movies, the MPAA today announced that depictions of practicing Islam will also come under greater scrutiny. However, some critics said the move does not go far enough to discourage teens from taking up the degenerate religion.
MPAA Chairman Dan Glickman said his group's ratings board, which previously had considered kids wearing bomb belts in assigning film ratings, now will take into account Koran-waving and other Muslim kookiness by adults, as well.
That adds Islamic rituals to a list of such factors as sex, violence and language in determining the MPAA's G, PG, PG-13, R and NC-17 ratings.
Film raters will consider the pervasiveness of jihadist propaganda, whether it glamorizes terrorism, and the context in which the Islamic behavior appears, as in movies set before 9/11, when Islam was marginally less despicable.
Some critics of Hollywood's depictions of Muslim insanity in films have urged that movies that show any aspect of Islam be assigned an R rating, which would restrict those younger than 17 from seeing them.
"I'm glad it's finally an issue they're taking up, but what they're proposing does not go far enough and is not going to make a difference," said Tori Titus, spokeswoman for Americans Against Dhimmitude, which opposes film images of Islam that might encourage young people to start worshipping a psychotic, bloodthirsty, Mood-God.
Glickman disagreed, saying a mandatory R rating for Islam would not "further the specific goal of providing information to parents on this issue."
"Although," he added, "it might be nice to discourage film-makers from actively kissing the enemy's ass."
Islam in movies with a G, PG or PG-13 rating has been on the decline, and the "percentage of films that included even a fleeting glimpse of Imam-approved methods of slaughtering innocents declined from 60 percent to 52 percent between July 2004 and July 2006," Glickman said.
Of those films, "three-fourths received an R rating for other reasons", he said, "since it's almost impossible to depict a Muslim without also showing him happily murdering children in Allah's name."
"That means there's not a great amount of films in the unrestricted category as it stands," said Joan Graves, who heads the ratings board. "We're not saying we're ignoring the issue. We're trying the best way possible according to what we've learned from parents to give them information about what's in a film."
"In short," she summarized, "if it contains Islam, it's boring, stupid, and evil. Don't waste your money."
Descriptions on sex, violence and language that accompany movie ratings now will include such phrases as "glamorized Islam" or "filthy, murdering terrorists robotically obeying their pedophile prophet," Glickman said.
If rated today, a film such as 2005's "V for Vendetta," which features a homosexual fawning over a Koran, would have carried a "politically correct pandering to Muslims" tag but probably would have retained its PG rating because it takes place in an idyllic future where Islam has been wiped from the face of the earth, Graves said.
Titus said film raters should be as tough on Islam as they are on bad language to minimize the effects of on-screen Koran-babble on children, including her own 5-year-old daughter.
"I don't want her using bad language, but last time I checked, she's probably not going to die from that," Titus said. "If Islam becomes acceptable because of these images she sees in movies, chances are she's probably going to die early from that. Mostly likely from being stoned to death in a soccer stadium for not wearing a burka."
While Titus' group wants tougher ratings restrictions, the MPAA is not without its supporters.
"By placing this sick, twisted, maladaptive 'religion' on a par with considerations of violence and sex, the rating board has acknowledged the public-health dangers to children associated with glamorized images of a toxic and lethal belief in Islam," Barry Bloom, dean of the Harvard School of Public Health, said in a statement.
May 17, 2007
To match current trends, all IMAO posts will now be followed by a Spanish translation. Thank you for your continued support of this site.
Para emparejar tendencias de la corriente, todos los postes de IMAO ahora serán seguidos por una traducción española. Gracias por su ayuda continuada de este sitio.
Hear John Bolton take on a "superior Brit" BBC interviewer. Near the end, it sounds like Bolton is a moment away from yelling, "'Stache Strength!" and punching the guy through the wall.
With Apologies to JK Rowling
With the imminent release of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, author J.K. Rowling has requested that people refrain from leaking any spoilers.
Sorry, lady, but I need the site traffic.
TOP TEN SPOILERS FOR HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS
10) Harry learns "visio correcto" spell and ditches those stupid Birth Control glasses.
9) Hogwarts Alumnus Day guest of honor - Gandalf!
8) Harry is shamed with a lifetime ban for betting on quidditch.
7) Snape and Hagrid - oh yes they are!
6) Final battle against Voldemort cancelled when Democrats vote to pull funding.
5) It's all a dream. Harry wakes up in his mother's basement to discover that he's just a 35-year-old nerd who nodded off during a game of D&D.
4) Malfoy and the Sorting Hat - oh yes they did!
3) Dumbledore only MOSTLY dead - revived by Miracle Max.
2) Voldemort is the name of Harry's sled.
and the #1 spoiler for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows...
1) Hermione is a DUDE!
I've been tagged by wRitErsbLock with a movie meme. Here are the rules, which I, of course, won't follow. I don't like rules.
Pick out ten favorite movies, then look them up at IMDb. In the overview at the top of each movie’s page, there are “Plot Keywords,” usually five of them. (Plus more, if you click the link.) Take the first five, and post them. Then the rest of us get to play movie buff and see if we can guess them.
Ok, people, no cheating and looking up the answers. Play fair. Of course, instead of ten, since ten would take about two minutes for you smartypantses to get, Frank and I went through the movies together and picked out 50 off our DVD shelves (ok, I think we don't own two on the list, but I reeeeally want #43). Here's what I want your answer format to look like, because I am nothing if not bossy:
# - Name of movie - any other comments you may want to share about the movie. It is, after all, a comments section.
1 - Eavesdropping / Masquerade / Newspaper Editor / Poetry / Library
Oh yeah. I forgot to tag people. I know some of y'all are gonna be mad at me, and I'm sorry, but here goes...
(And no. I didn't pick a bunch of people with adorable cats on purpose. There are some people in there whose cat status I don't even know!)
Ron Paul - He So Crazy!
I first thought Ron Paul might be crazy when I saw him come out of nowhere to win the PJM straw poll months ago (currently he's not even an option in the PJM poll on my left sidebar because he didn't make 1% in a Gallup poll). Since I never heard of him, I figured his followers must have been spamming the poll. Since someone would have to be a loon to think spamming an internet poll could translate to actual support, then I figured someone with so many loony followers was probably crazy, attracting loony moths with his flame of crazy.
I was right. In the last GOP debate, he blamed America for 9/11, basically saying our policy should be dictated by the beliefs of Osama bin Laden. Since then, I looked more into Ron Paul and found other crazy beliefs.
MORE CRAZY BELIEFS OF RON PAUL
* The disappointing PS3 debut is our fault because we bombed Nagasaki.
* The unclear fate of Oceanic Flight 815 is a direct result of our occupation of Hawaii.
* The reason the local Chinese restaurant is always messing up his order is because of the actions of Charlton Heston in 55 Days at Peking.
* The reason Taco Bell menu items so much fat is because of our illegal Mexican-American War.
* Edwards's poor manicure is our fault for going into Vietnam.
Both Sides: Left-Wing Hate on the Internet
In reaction to the death of Jerry Falwell, there has been celebration on the left-wing side of the blogosphere. Similar things have happen when Tony Snow became ill again, with commenters and even posters in the left-wing blogosphere wishing ill will on him and his family. Is the wishing of violence and death upon those they disagree with an anomaly of the left-wing blogosphere or something indicative of a bigger problem with that culture? IMAO is proud to present the opinions of noted right-wing blogger Frank J. and respected left-wing blogger Scary Evil Monkey to give you both sides.
Conservative Bloggers Should Express Sincere Hope That Someone in Markos Zuniga's Family Will Get Cancer
I was never a fan of Jerry Falwell, but by reading all the elation on the left-wing blogosphere of his death, I can't help but think how there was no such celebration when Saddam was hung. Does anyone think they'll be this happy when Osama bin Laden dies? Absolutely not. They don't have hate for those who murder the innocent and cut off heads. No, it's people like Dick Cheney and Tony Snow they reserve such hate for, as the only "enemy" they really hate are people in America who dare have different viewpoints than them or espouse Christianity. Liberal are inhuman scum. Let me repeat that: They are scum of a non-human variety. And, like everything that isn't human, we are better off when it dies.
In fact, I would argue that it is such a boon to America every time someone on the left-wing blogosphere dies, that it is cause for celebration. Real celebration with a keg of beer and phat tunes. Perhaps just a cheap keg of Coors Light when it's merely a comment poster or DU troll who dies, but it's certainly worth pulling out the checkbook and getting a keg of Guinness if a top left-wing blogger dies or gets a horrible, terminal illness. We should all draw strength from the suffering of these nutroots scum, and we should use that strength to party awesome hard.
Remember how Markos Zuniga, the venomous Kos, once said "Screw Them" of contractors brutally murdered by terrorists in Iraq? I think everyone would agree with me on saying that it would be a glorious thing if he would get cancer and die painfully. In fact, it would be great -- and I'm sure other right-wing bloggers such as Glenn Reynolds, Michelle Malkin, and Jonah Goldberg would back me up on this -- if instead the person getting the cancer were someone in Zuniga's family that he deeply cared about. How cool would it be to know that Zuniga, whose viewpoints I don't care for, had to watch someone he cares about die slowly and in an extremely horrible fashion? It would be super cool. Thus, we should all wish death and disease on Zuniga's family. I'd say we should pray to Jesus for it, but He just texted me saying He doesn't want any part of this. Obviously, Jesus hasn't been reading the left-wing blogs if that's the way He feels.
yess! happee happee day! a nother dum stoopid heelbilly neocon jue is dead! falwell bad dum christin man now ded. my freends at kos an huffy post agree dat we shood all pay proper respect to po dum ded christin heelbilly neocon jue. no how we pay respect to heem?
I EET HIS EYEBALLS! DEN I TURN THE EYEBALLS INTO POO AN I THROW THE POO AT U! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
u dum stoopid heelbilly neocon jues weel all soon be like falwell! u weel be ded with no eyes an covered in poo! we at kos and huffy post weel control merica! we keel u all with help of islamo monkey freends! dey hate dum bad christin jues like u but they like us cause dey no wee smart. dey weel join us in eeting ur eyeballs and throwing the poo at u while u run a round wondering wut happening since u no see since ur eyeballs ar now poo. u dum stoopid christin jues hoo want to yell at kos and hurt islamo monkeys deserve nothing better than to be covered in eyes made into poo. and then u die like ur hero falwell. reel problem for merica is not islamo monkeys. reel problem is that u dum stoopid heelbilly neocon jues ar alive and not ded.
now i go vote in kos poll on hoo won gop debate. ron paul only one of u hoo make sense. we agree he best. u all to dum to vote for heem which is why we hope u die like falwell and we eet ur eyes.
PREPARE TO DIE! I CAN ALMOST TASTE UR EYEBALLS NOW! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
* * * *
I hope you enjoyed this debate and hearing both sides of the issue. Please give us feedback so we here at IMAO can serve your needs better.
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Fred Thompson was originally considered for the lead to 24, but then the producers realized that, with how long it takes Fred Thompson to solve any national crisis, they'd have to rename the series 0.2.
I love how Jack formulated this whole plan without consulting anyone else or even telling them that they should maybe prepare for an attack. What was he worried about? Widespread panic among 40 people? Oh no! The public squares will be flooded as people scramble to eat all the Dharma crackers before Hurley gets to them!
I hope Charlie doesn't die this episode. I'm kinda starting to like him again. And I hope Locke doesn't die either, because he finally stopped acting like a weiner last episode, right before he got shot. But I'm less worried about him than I am about Charlie, because Locke has those crazy island healing powers. Save Locke, save the world!
So... this whole "they found the plane" thing... a staging by the Others or what?
Ooh, Juliet, be careful with that dynamite, remember what happened to Ardtz. Isn't that how his name was spelled? Hey, that anagrams to Dratz. Dratz indeed.
Boy, who ever wants to see a grim look from Desmond in the morning? It's like the grim reaper waking up and pointing at you and saying, "Yep, it's you today. Sorry, broothah."
Methinks Juliet (an Other) knows that Charlie is not a swim champ, since she knows everything about all the passengers. (She's an Other.)
They're coming right now?! Juliet, that liar! Oh wait. Not surprised.
Not a very good kiss between the two island kids. But they're young yet. They'll learn.
Whoa. Alex's boyfriend not experienced with guns. Don't point that thing at people!
You think the grim reaper's gonna take one for the team? "I'll get this one, broothah. Here's my scythe, I'm passing it on to you now. Take good care of it fah me."
Charlie... uh, dude. Writing down the top five moments in your life is like singing a departure song or being the best singer on American Idol. You're dooming yourself! Oh, and then he went and told the baby he loved him and got kissed by the hot girl. Doomed! I hope he at least gets a silent countdown clock at the end of the episode.
For you Melbourne, Florida, viewers: Arms stiff-as-a-board at your sides... Hi, I'm David Maus! I love to imitate him. He looks so tense.
Bernard! You can't say "Nothing's gonna happen to me" on a J.J. Abrams show! Stupid. He's dead.
Well, Rose, I suspect you're the only person who likes Jack lately. Jack's been acting like a dweeb and a wuss until about this morning.
Yay Sayid! Jack, you go lead the people to the radio tower, doctor dweebface, while I run the military operations. Or I stick bamboo under your fingernails and the fingernails of your new Other girlfriend. Yes. Go. Mmmhmm. That's what I thought.
Ha, I love Hurley. "Yeah, whatever dude, love you too." Very rushed, very quiet.
They do LOST specials more often than Hope Brady gets brainwashed by Stefano. And the Tivo description is always "Mysteries of the island are revealed."
Sorry excuse for a life, Chahhlie? You were a hobbit. What's better than that?!
So Desmond didn't see that coming? Chahhlie hitting him in the head with the paddle? Dream about that, Des!
Huh. Ok, I saw pretty much everything in the episode coming except the chicks in the Looking Glass station showing up with guns. I wonder if Des saw them coming.
Who does Jack love next week? Kate or Juliet? Or is it Sun? Rose? And will Locke show up and save the day?
May 16, 2007
State of the Frank Report
This is the part of the blog where I write about my day for those interested.
Well, I've been busy. You may have noticed I've been less engaged on this blog; well, that's because getting a house ready to sell is not easy, and the clock is ticking since the zoo is rebuilding the monkey house. How in the world are we going to sell this house if someone looks out a window and seem damnable monkey eyes staring back at him and plotting death?
Then there was the plot by Doctor Doom was just a huge interruption. That was stressful. I don't even want to talk about that; just read whatever they wrote in that rag The Daily Bugle if you're interested.
On top of everything, I have this vague feeling that Aquaman is still alive and watching me. Isn't there a French word for that?
After trying to come up with new methods to reinforce our new faux wood blinds so they don't fall down every time someone tugs the cord, I heard the cats making those alien chirps and clicks they make when they cornered prey. They had chased a lizard under the dresser, and I decided to rescue so its corpse wouldn't turn up at an inopportune moment. I pushed away the cats who hissed angrily at me for interrupting their murderous plans and reached for the tiny lizard. The lizard opened it's mouth threateningly, but I thought that was just the little thing bluffing.
Unbeknownst to me, lizards don't bluff.
The lizard clamped down on my index finger with it's strong, toothless jaws. I yelped in surprise and drew my hand away, the lizard now dangling from my hand, still holding on tight. I quickly went outside, placed the lizard on the ground, and then had to pry its jaws open.
Needless to say, that's the last time I'll ever try and help another living creature.
Back to work. It's much to do, but SarahK tries and keep a brave face, constantly exclaiming, "Yay! Painting is fun!" Then again, the other day she tried to put leashes on the cats. That woman has gone insane, I tell you.
I can't wait until we're out of the fetid swamps of Florida and on to the promised land: Texas.
I Finally Have to Ask
Who actually liked Falwell or Pat Robertson? I don't want to speak ill of the dead, but I've always felt like they have no actual support and the MSM just forced them upon us Christians to make us look silly. And I find nothing more blasphemous than when they made statements like "God did this because of that" as if those small minds could know anything about the motives of God.
I was trying to hold my tongue, but it's hard with all the media coverage. If anyone was wondering if I have any association with Falwell or Robertson because I'm a Christian, the answer is "No, absolutely not."
Slander: Obama Bad
So, time to make things up.
BAD THINGS 'BOUT OBAMA
* Any time you get Obama talking about any subject, he starts bringing up facts about serial killers. That guy just won't stop talking about how impressive serial killers are.
* If he can't become president, Obama would like to be a telemarketer.
* Obama thinks the minimum age for snorting coke off strippers should be five.
* You don't want to hear what Obama said about your mom. It was true, but he didn't have to say it.
* Obama owns over twenty cats and his home smells weird.
* Obama plans to vote for Hillary Clinton.
Frank Opinions on Last Night's Debate
[Ed. Note: Frank J. did not actually watch any of the debate, but he read a lot of blog entries from people who did watch it.]
First off, this was a much better debate than the last one. [Ed. Note: Frank J. also didn't watch the last one.] Rudy Giuliani, after a disastrous performance in the first debate, won this one. When Ron Paul (who served as the closest thing to a Democrat to riff off of) blamed America for 9/11, Giuliani jumped right in with genuine righteous indignation. It's why we conservatives wish Giuliani were at least tolerable on the other issues so we could vote for them... you know, like he wasn't actually scanning the crowds at campaign events for babies to abort.
For the other top tier candidates, Romney totally burned McCain when he insulted McCain-Feingold to big cheers from the crowd. McCain then smashed his podium in a rage and beat Romney like a drunken sailor before turning on the audience.
For the second tier candidates, Huckabee had the line of the night with ""Instead, we had a Congress that spent money like John Edwards in a beauty shop." When asked about the jibe, Edwards said that Huckabee is "a pale-faced mealy-mouthed ninny and I hate him!"
Anyone watch the debate (or read lots of blog posts about it) and have an opinion?
The Blender's poll has a clear winner. He probably did steal a lot of the spotlight with that little video.
May 15, 2007
American Idol Season Yawn -- Top Three
Two chicks and a communist walk onto a stage. No wait. I have no punchline. Scratch that.
Tonight, the judges each pick a song to sabotage someone, the producers pick a song to sabotage someone, the contestants pick a song to sabotage themselves.
01 Jordin is home in Glendale, Arizona, and the mayor tells her that Simon says (haha) to sing "Wishing on a Star" by Rose Royce. Jordin smiles big and claps and thinks, "I have no idea what that is!" Me either! Huh. So I wouldn't have thought Simon would want to sabotage Jordin with such a boring song. Was it this boring in 1977? Should I come out now and admit that R&B generally makes me want to fry all my electronics so I can't hear it? Ok, maybe my reaction isn't that violent, but it does give me the blahs. I mean, all I ask for in a song is that it have a characteristic. Any characteristic. I guess uncharacteristic is a characteristic. Ok, you win, R&B. I give up. I hate the baby doll dress. I mean, I like it in the privacy of my own home. I have one like it in lime green, actually. I wear it when Frank and I are about to, you know, DO IT. White top, colored bodice, spaghetti straps, matching undies. I like the hair, though. Cute. I can't say anything bad about the vocals, she sounded great, but the song was so change-the-station for me. RANDY: This is where I'm trying to see who's in it to win it. That was a very good vocal, kinda blah blah blah Beyonce... SARAHK: Yes, you did remind me of Stephanie Edwards. ROWDI: Woof, woof, woof. SARAHK: LOL! RANDY: Yo, that was hot. PAULA: Simon picked a good song for you. SIMON: You sang it brilliantly, Jordin. I just wish we hadn't done the weird jazz arrangement. I like the pure version of the song better. RYAN: So you didn't like the song you chose. SIMON: No, you're gay. RYAN: Were you surprised he chose that song for you? JORDIN: I had actually never heard that song before... SARAHK: No! JORDIN: So I was like "Ooooookay" but I loved it, so thank you! SARAHK: Just once, I want to hear a contestant say, "Thanks for sabotaging me. But I have two other songs tonight, and I'll try to sing the crap out of them to bring myself back from the brink that your choice got me to. Hopefully these other numskulls chose equally nondescript songs for the other two! Go Jordin!"
02 Blake is in Bothell, Washington, where his Baby Mayor tells him that Paula chose "Roxanne" by the Police for him. That's cute. Paula is having him sing about prostitution. So adorable for "family" shows. Song choice notwithstanding, commie thing notwithstanding, lemme try to opine. He looks fine, whatever. Is he trying to sing offkey, though? Maybe I haven't heard "Roxanne" in a long time, but I remember the first syllable of that sweet prostitute's name being higher in most cases than Blake is singing it. It's almost like he's singing Roxanne Lite, taking it lazy. Is it just me? Because I am thoroughly exhausted. It could be just me. RANDY: Great, great performance, I like the whole thing with the one hand on the mic stand. There were a couple of spots in there for me, and I've gotta give it an A. SARAHK: Huh. PAULA: (Seal clap.) SARAHK: Yay! And look at all your collagen and lip gloss! Yay! PAULA: You did me proud. I thought you were fantastic. You felt comfortable up there, you changed phrasing. It was good, it was fresh. SARAHK: Huh. SIMON: I'm not going to call that earthshattering, because it wasn't. SARAHK: Thank you. SIMON: The problem with that song is that you're always going to do an impression of Sting. SARAHK: That was NOT an impression of Sting. SIMON: It was good, it wasn't great. (Boos from audience.) Oh, come on, you can't say it was fantastic.
03 Melinda is in Nashville at the Governor's mansion, it would seem, and the Governor says, "I don't receive any faxes that start with 'Check it out.' Nice, Randy. And Randy can't even refrain from name-dropping in his fax to the governor. The song is from one of the greatest singers in the known world, "and I've worked with her before." Melinda is singing "I Believe in You and Me" by Whitney Houston. Have you, Randy? Have you worked with your pal Whitney? Then, this is my favorite part, the Governor misreads Randy's name as "Randy Johnson." Hahahahaha. Maybe he's a baseball fan. He quickly corrects himself. Then, this is one of the reasons I love Melinda, Melinda smiles at the camera and says, "Thank you, Randy Johnson." Yes, thank you for Melinda's song choice. You're the only one who picked a good song. Melinda's hair looks great. I think she's wearing Jordin's hair from last week. I've wanted to hear her sing a balladish type song, and I knew she would do well. This is great. There's a spot at the end where she almost has a little bit of trouble on the long, low note, but she pulls it out. Best of the night so far. Oh, and Frank was reading The Corner earlier for debate news and told me that K-Lo said Blake won round one... So they must have had a side game of Rock Paper Scissors going tonight, right? Because his offkey, lazy, half-rendition of the prostitute song was not half as good as Melinda's first outing, and while Jordin was boring and wearing some of my lingerie, she was technically much better than Blake. K-Lo, I don't like calling out other people on their opinions, because that's just what they are--opinions--but to quote Randy's good friend Whitney, crack is whack. RANDY: Check it out. I wanted to throw a little difficulty at you. I figured if you could do this song, you deserve to get the grand prize. You blew it out the box. SARAHK: What box? What does that mean? RANDY: You rose to the occasion, I liked that little falsetto thing. Well done. PAULA: Melinda, you were fantastic, amazing. And I think one of your best performances this season. SIMON: Very very difficult song to sing. I think it was one of your best performances in the last four weeks. SARAHK: Agreed. SIMON: And round one goes to Melinda. SARAHK: No doubt. And winner of Judges Pick the Songs this year is Randy Johnson! Go Big Unit!
Ha. Ryan is impersonating Randy's yeah yeah yeahs, and Simon asks if he is drunk. "No, I'm totally sober. And totally straight. Unlike you." "No, you're gay!"
01 Jordin's all-time favorite song is "Mmm Bop" by Hanson. I had to pause right there because I knew my eye roll would take that long. Yay Tivo! Even the rah rah AI crowd groans. I just got a comment from spacemonkey that Melinda has it all wrapped up, and after the "Mmm Bop" (am I even spelling that correctly?) thing, I have to agree. Earlier today, while I was telling essay (my bff in Texas) about our trip down the coast with two fully-clawed cats and a 60-lb. dog, I took a break from describing what a horrible idea that was to discuss tonight's American Idol. I told her I'm completely out on Blake already but that even though it took me a while to warm up to Jordin, I'm having a hard time deciding between her and Melinda. Essay told me that she still kind of likes Blake, and I told her that there is just no coming back from communism in my eyes.
I have to add to that. There is just no coming back from communism and "Mmm Bop." Melinda wins!
Jordin's like, What? I'm 17! Seacrest says he has the CD in the car. No!
Jordin's next song, chosen by the producers, is "She Works Hard for the Money." Ok, she looks better in this outfit, jeans and a funky navy satin blouse thingy. A little bit of goat vibrato going on at some point. Is it wrong if I don't like this song? It makes me think of strippers. I think it's about waitresses, though. Anyway, this seemed like a sabotage song. Bad choice. RANDY: Yo yo yo. Very nicely done. It doesn't really matter what song you do. That was hot too. SARAHK: It matters to me what song she does, because you can't get a good performance out of a sucky song. Well, some people can, but it didn't happen here. I thought it was just chintzy and disco-y. PAULA: Jordin, you worked hard for the money tonight. SARAHK: That's not even a good bad pun. At least try, Pauler. At least try. SIMON: Actually, it was a very good performance. I think it was a little old fashioned. I think the money note at the end was very good. RYAN: Tonight, Simon is the one not making a lot of sense. SARAHK: So he's the one whose all-time favorite song is "Mmm Bop"?
02 Blake: If there were a movie made about your life, asks Inane Viewer Email, what would the title be, and who would play you? Jim Carrey. RYAN: Because you're tall. BLAKE: No, you're tall. BLAKE: And it would be called Organized Chaos. Producers are having Blake sing "This Love" by Maroon 5. I love this song. That was actually very good. See, that's exactly the kind of song he should have been singing all along, exactly the kind of tone his voice should have had. That was good. RANDY: When you make a record, when you decide to put out an album, that's the kind of song you should sing, that's totally your vibe or something something dawg yeah baby. PAULA: I was hoping that you would do that. You're totally in your element. This is a good night for you. SIMON: I actually preferred that one to the first one, Blake. You sounded very comfortable, it didn't sound like a copycat performance, it was good, yeah. SARAHK: Simon, I love how we're almost always on the same page and stuff. It probably makes you feel special.
03 Melinda's grandparents are in the audience. Who was her idol growing up? Her mommy. Ryan says it doesn't make her grandmothers feel good! The producers want to boost her into the finals with "Nutbush City Limits" by Ike & Tina Turner. I'm already excited before she even starts. And she looks great. This is outstanding. The singing, the dress, the performing, the way she owns the stage, the microphone, the mic stand. I think she messed up, right near the end, almost sang a "city" on a pause, but maybe not. I rewound twice to check it out again and am still not sure if it was her or something the band did. Loved it. RANDY: Yo yo. Once again, when you make your record, you should put some of that in your repertoire, because that will lengthen your career. Yeah yeah. I like that. Little Tina Turner, Simon. PAULA: Did you have fun? You look like you had a blast. What else can we say? We love you we love you we love you I love vodka. SIMON: That's why we hired you for this show, Pauler. Love that side of you. I thought it was, actually, again, another brilliant performance. RYAN: So... who takes that round. RANDY: I'm gonna say Melinda. SARAHK: I give it to Melinda, barely, over Blake. Jordin far behind on this round. Blake close second. PAULA, SIMON: Tie. SARAHK: Tie goes to the runner. I guess that means Melinda, since she's on stage right now.
01 Jordin has a star at the bottom of the escalator at the mall she used to work at. "Now people can walk all over me!" She has chosen to sing "I Who Have Nothing." She sang this earlier this season, right? Someone did, and I'm pretty sure it was her. It might have been the first time I actually liked her, the night she first sang it. This was ok, I can't call it great, because near the end she got a little creaky and scratchy (just keepin' it real, dawg). She did change it up from the first time she did it, which I like. She's still wearing PJs. The vibrato got a little nasty at one spot. But it was still ok. I don't think it was as good as the first time she sang it, because if I'm remembering things right, she shocked me a little that night. RANDY: Listen, I think that was your best performance of the night. Nice control. PAULA: Whatever Randy said. SIMON: There's no disputing the fact that you sang that song very well, but there's a part of me that hated that a 17-year-old sang a 60-year-old song. I wish you'd sang something different. SARAHK: I think she chose the right song. She just flubbed it a little near the end. JORDIN: Um, wasn't Rose Royce in the 70s? SARAHK: She's got you there... I kind of hate that Simon picked a 30-year-old song for her to sing. (Simon does not look pleased.) But now I have to go relisten to that, because I didn't think it was as good as they thought it was. Yeah, and on the relisten, it was even screechier than I remember.
02 Wow. Blake must have wet his pants getting to jam with Sir Mix A Lot. I like big butts, too. I especially like wearing one on my backside. For his last song he's singing "When I Get You Alone" by Robin Thicke. I'm not a fan of this song, I'll say that right off the bat. That said, it looks and sounds like a hard song to sing, and he's doing a good job of it. And when it's over, I'm so happy that it is. RANDY: I see why you chose that. I still like the Maroon 5 vibe better. It was a'ight. PAULA: Three great songs. SIMON: I actually really liked that. Blake, this is what I really liked about you throughout the competition. You take risks. You look like you're having fun. Blah blah blah. SARAHK: I couldn't wait for that song to be over. A station-turner if ever there was one. But you sang it well. What a beating.
03 Melinda got a street named after her in Nashville. And she is singing "I'm a Woman," which is actually what I thought she would sing tonight. I'm smirt. Funny, at the beginning of the song, I can't understand a word she's singing. Diana, she needs to pronunciate! But she gets into her groove, dawg. Spirited, rockin', sexy yet modest. She's gonna win this thing. I think last week I said Jordin could come around and win it all if Melinda doesn't stop being boring? Melinda stopped being boring tonight. So. More of not-the-same from Dooooooo (it goes with the baseball semi-theme, see) next week, ok? And she's the next American Idol. RANDY: Yo yo. SARAHK: Ma! RANDY: I love that I'm seeing the range of Melinda Doolittle. You can sing the phone book. Whatever whatever! PAULA: (I think she said something about vultures and spotlights.) SIMON: Melinda Melinda Melinda. Loved the little striptease at the top. RANDY: What? Striptease? SIMON: Well, she kinda took her jacket off there. SARAHK: Don't worry, dawg, you can watch it back on Tivo! RANDY: Dang, what'd I miss? I was checkin' my notes for how many yos and dawgs I'm supposed to throw in after this performance. Just my luck. It's just like that time I was in the recording studio with Snoop Dogg, my close personal friend, and my other close personal friend Cesar Milan walked by, and I didn't get to say hi to him because I was looking down at my notes! And I had a question about my dog that day, and there was Cesar, and I missed him. This is just like that. SARAHK: I know, that sucks, man. Dawg. SIMON: I wasn't finished! SARAHK: Sorry, dawg. SIMON: We've known each other for what, eleven weeks on this show? I've gotta say, if I'm going to award a place in the finals to the person who has consistently delivered each week, it's you. SARAHK: Yeah, dawg.
Oh yeah. Prediction. I was all prepared to predict that LaKisha's votes get split between Jordin and Melinda... but Jordin was pretty off tonight. I'm predicting a Melinda/Blake finale, even though it should be Melinda/Jordin.
24 Day 6 -- 3 a.m. to 4 a.m.
Yeah, we watched Heroes and got ready to deflea the house last night instead of watching 24. But we're watching it now, and then we'll watch American Idol after we eat. I can't fully blog AI and eat. AI blogging is way too involved, dawg.
See, Morris was brave enough to step up and cover up Milo with the jacket because Morris is probably toasted. Chloe was right all along. And wow, Mrs. Petrelli! Your super-secret mutant power is not shutting up!
I don't know. If a terrorist tells you "We're moving you to a secure room, do what we tell you and you won't be hurt," I'm not so sure I'm trusting that guy to feed me Wheaties and let me call home.
"We're moving you in two groups. Group One, on your feet. You're through to the next round. Group Two, I'm sorry. Hollywood week ends for you here. You're all winners for making it this far."
Hey, that was pretty cool, but where was Chloe in that big fight scene with Jack, Nadia (Yassir), and Morris? I guess she was in Group Two. They've really ruined her great character this year. She was great with one-liners, great with guns and taking out bad guys, and now even when she has a chance to be Chloe, she shows up at the end of the scene with "That was really brave." What, is she gonna turn out to be a mole or something? Yawn.
Wow, finally an action-packed day. Until now, I felt like I was watching a twenty-four hour real-time serial about a guy named Ivan Denisovich. I mean, yeah, I loved that book, but can you imagine watching him eat a bowl of soup for an hour? If you've watched most of this season, then the answer is yes!
"Lisa Miller is spying for the Russians?" "No, the man she's romantically involved with is." "Who, you?"
How does Lisa's boyfriend not see the camera that he keeps staring at?
Aaaaaaand there she is going crazy, and here we are EXACTLY at Season One. Only he didn't die. I guess that's one difference? Whatever.
Oooh. Crazy Old Man Bauer totally just that'll do lil pig'd Chang.
Mary Lynn Rajskub totally looks beaten down that she's even in this season. And that new Division guy looks just like Brian Williams. His looks alone are an error in judgment. Even Nadia puts (Yassir) after her name when she tells people her name. She even says it like that. "This is Nadia (Yassir)."
Maybe Josh isn't Jack's son. Maybe he's Jack's dad's son. And that's why he's "his legacy."
Hey Russia. You're about to tick us off. You should back the heck down before we shove some well-placed circuitry down your communist throats. You're not dealing with President Waynewreck anymore. VPOTT has actual testosterone and would probably retaliate, dipstick.
It's good the serial number of the component was flashing on Bisquick's PDA, because that made it easier for we, the viewers, to see that it agreed to the number Crazy Old Man Bauer said it would be.
As soon as Jack told Josh to wait over there, I'll meet you in the car, I said, "No, don't do that..." Dumb kids, never listen to me.
Man I have a headache. The kids on American Idol better sing on key tonight.
Oh, it looks like Chloe is unconscious in next week's two-hour finale. Apparently, she is that bored with her character this season, too. Mary Lynn, we know it's not your fault. It's the writers'. Hey, we heard on Laura Ingraham's show today (while we were driving down A1A with two cats and a dog, yes, we're that stupid) that she has a walk-on role next week. So look out for that.
Know Thy Enemy: Jerry Falwell
After weeks and months of research, much to the detriment of my IMAO posting duties, I've been working on what should be the greatest of all Know Thy Enemy posts ever posted on IMAO.
I had a few minor corrections to make, some sources to check in with, but I believe my magnum opus is finally complete.
That's right: the subject of this Extra Special Know Thy Enemy from IMAO's Token Jew is the so-called "Reverend" Jerry Falwell, founder of the Moral Majority, leveraged buy-out conqueror of Jim Bakker's faltering PTL group, Christian Zionist for Rapture purposes and not the right for Jews to have their own state, and enemy of all cartoon characters purple.
So, here we go!
British readers be advised: that's 73 years old, not 73 stone.
(From all appearances, he was likely much heavier than 73 stone at time of death.)
Frank Disscussions: Rep. Tom Tancredo
So far, the presidential campaigns have been pretty good at not allowing me to get any questions through to the candidates, but the Tom Tancredo campaign failed in this manner. Still, only four of my questions made it to the candidate (I had many more, including ones about the Mexi-Cannon and whether he would keep nukes on the table in our dealings with the moon).
BTW, I heard Rep. Tom Tancredo yesterday on the Laura Ingraham show talking about how he would use the threat to nuke Mecca to discourage Islamists. That actually gave SarahK pause, and you have to be really extreme to give SarahK pause ("Cutting the feet off of illegal immigrants is a great idea! Yay!"). Still, I guess extremism in fighting terrorists is no vice.
Here's the interview (or at least all the questions I got through to him):
Q. There has been much talk about a fence to keep out illegal immigrants, but it has been shown by scientists time and time again that humans can climb fences. Do you propose stronger methods to end illegal immigration?
Fences do work. In California, there was "Operation Gatekeeper" in 1994, where a 14-mile fence was erected along the San Diego-Tijuana corridor and, consequently, the number of illegal aliens crossing fell by 98 percent. In addition to fences, I will eliminate benefits and job prospects for illegal aliens so they do not stay.
Q. The Democrats' plan for the war in Iraq is failure. Are you so arrogant as to say you have a better plan?
I have confidence, not ego. America's noble sacrifice has purchased Iraqis a precious opportunity for democratic change; it is now up to them to ensure success. Setting the President's 'November benchmark for shifting control' as an actual timetable for disengagement will let regional powers and Iraqi factions cooperate to forge a new balance of power.
Q. What are your favorite blogs?
Well, my blog, of course - http://teamtancredo.typepad.com
[Ed. Note: I told him to say "IMAO." Do we really want someone as president who won't do what I tell him?]
Q. Finally, do you have a message for our nation's youth?
You are never too young to get involved with the political process. We need more young people committed to the cause of this great nation.
You can see Rep. Tancredo in the Republican Presidential Debate tonight on FOX News.
May 14, 2007
Now I'm Going to Miss Her
When Rosie O'Donnell leaves The View, who is going to inform us about such things as the Giuliani/China 9/11 Conspiracy? It certainly won't be for, as you all know, I'm just not that creative.
It's nice to see that Hasselbeck did some research since the last time this was brought up. I hope she stays true to her threat to get the Popular Mechanics guys on the show for The Big National 9/11 Conspiracy Debate (featuring Rosie O'Donnell). After they figure out whether the U.S. government bombed itself and framed Saudis to get us into an illegal war with Iraq, they can explore whether the Holocaust actually happened or did the Jews kill themselves and framed the Germans to get us into an illegal war with Japan.
Aren't They Supposed to Attack Things Towards Mecca Five Times a Day?
I think the Fort Dix terror plot has reminded us that we aren't taking terrorism seriously. Then again, since the terrorists were caught because they were in a Circuit City parking lot arguing who should make a copy of their jihad videotape (BTW, anyone got to see that yet? It should be funny), I guess the terrorists need to take terrorism more seriously too.
This is where we citizens concerned about terrorism get a bit confused. One of the reasons we're concerned is because terrorism doesn't seem that hard. If someone want to run into a crowded area and start shooting people or if they want to plant and set off a pipe bomb, it seems nearly impossible to stop them. Yet, for the five and half years since 9/11, terrorists just haven't been able to pull it off. Crazy people can randomly kill lots of people, but those motivated by the will of Allah can't quite make it happen. Of course, as I write this I'm afraid their going to pull off some huge attack in one of our cities and make this not so funny anymore, but we've been afraid of that to no end since the day after 9/11. Fifty years from now I'll be shaking my old man fist and yelling, "They'll come any day now! Just you watch! Ahh! My hip!"
So why has there not been a successfully attack on American soil by Al Qaeda or some other Islamic crazy fun club?
POSSIBLE REASONS MORE TERRORISM HAS NOT BEEN SUCCESSFUL IN THE US
* They're Idiots: Why don't we have supervillians in real life? Because of capitalism. Anyone smart enough to become a supervillian can easily make lots of money legitimately. Same problem with smart terrorists. Anyone Al Qaeda gets over here to attack us with half a brain is probably soon going to find more fulfilling things to do with his time than blow himself up. You try and overthrow America using the world's biggest losers.
* Too Busy Fighting Our Military Overseas: Maybe the whole idea of fighting them over there so we don't fight them here actually works. I thought it was just government propaganda too, but where did all the terrorists go? The answer: Iraq!
* Too Scared of Mexicans: The terrorists are racist and scared of Mexicans (who isn't? I shudder every time I see that Ducky has posted). They're too frightened to attack us while Mexicans are flooding across the border. As soon as we solve the illegal immigration problem, that's when the terrorists will get the courage to attack. Tom Tancredo will kill us all!
* Homeland Security Alert Levels Actually Work: You may laugh at the Homeland Security Alert Levels, but every time the terrorists see it go from yellow to orange, they exclaim, "They're on to us! Trash the plans!" They're just waiting for it to finally drop from yellow to blue to really hit us (little secret: It's never ever going down to blue).
* President Bush Is Too Busy to Orchestrate New Terror Attacks Against America and Blame It on Saudis: Since we all know President Bush is actually behind the 9/11 attack, maybe he just hasn't had enough time to build new conspiracies against his own country with the war in Iraq (and thus, once again, the war in Iraq really has saved us from more terrorism).
* Saving Energy for Super Giant Attack: When I asked SarahK why she thinks we haven't had a big terrorist attack in so long, the theory she gave while cleaning the cat vomit off the shotgun (the cats have the entire house to throw up hairballs in and they choose the loaded shotgun under the bed; they really are trying to kill me) is that all these little unsuccessful attacks are just distractions while they plan some superhuge attack that will come any day now. It's going to be like 24 except worse (they're not just going to attack L.A.). Any day now, they'll get us by surprise and then we'll be under sharia law before we know it and I'll be fined if I don't beat my wife (and SarahK will shoot me in the face if I do beat her, so damned if I do, damned if I don't).
* We're Protected by Aquaman: After 9/11, Aquaman vowed to do everything he can to defend America, and as insane as the terrorists are, they won't dare cross Aquaman, master of the seas. As soon as Black Manta (a prison convert to Islam) takes care of Aquaman, though, all bets are off.
* Summer Blockbusters: A big disadvantage of destroying America is that then the terrorists won't get to see the big summer blockbuster movies. Like maybe for the past couple years the terrorists have been saying, "Let's not destroy America until we at least get to see the Pirates of the Caribbean sequels; Jack Sparrow is awesome and his vague sexuality intrigues me." After this summer, they'll be all set to destroy America, but then one of the terrorists will say, "You know, next summer the next Batman movie is coming out, and it's going to have the Joker. Maybe we should wait until 2009." And thus Hollywood liberals really are our saviors!
* America God Much More Powerful than Allah: Allah keeps coming over here to lead his followers to victory, but then America God, the one true God, gives Allah a wedgie and shoves his head in the toilet. As a result, his followers become confused and accidentally run into walls and fall unconscious right on the steps of the local FBI building.
May 13, 2007
May 12, 2007
May 11, 2007
May 10, 2007
Event MArred by Black-Tie on Black-Tie Violence
The Boston Pop’s Opening Orchestral concert was marred last night by black-tie on black-tie violence. According to sources at the event, the Marauding Mozarts clashed with their rival gang the Bustin’ Beethovens.
Said one witness, “At first, they were bashing each other without rhyme or reason. However, after a while, they picked up the pace to a nice bouncy Allegro.”
The Reverend Al Sharpton today denounced the black-tie on black-tie violence. He stated, “I want to ask Mitt Romney why the Mormon church went such a long time without playing classical music. How does he explain that?”
Updates will be available as they develop.
The Democrats' Big Problem
Many, if not most, of those who will be voting in Democratic primary believe blacks are an inferior race, or at least, that more studies should be made about that possibility.
That to me is the moral equivalent of what the Democrats face with their Truther problem. Those who deep down believe that the government caused 9/11 or let it happen or at least as morally invidious as passionate racists. While we have a freedom of speech, there are some views that any moral man or woman should loudly condemn when they come up.
The problem is that, since Thruthers makes up such a large segment of the politically motivated Democrat base, if a Democratic candidate said to the Truthers what is deserved to be said to them, it would greatly hurt his or her chances in the primary. I find it hard to believe with all the pictures I've seen of Truthers holding signs up at campaign rallies that any could be ignorant of this problem, yet Edwards seemed to be caught off guard when asked a question by one of these losers (I think "losers" is the best description as what motivates conspiracy theorists is that they can't find importance in their own life so they seek it in fantasy).
So, with the widespread, blame-America first views that infect the Democratic Party, what is a Democrat to do? Convincing hardcore Truthers the silliness of their views is not an option because facts do not faze their belief system ("Fire can't melt steel!"). The Democrats are left with the option to patronize these people ("Sure. We'll have some investigation into whether the Negro race is advanced enough to coexist with whites.") and hope the views don't spread or you can publicly and loudly shame these people until they fear speaking their views in a public forum. Again, such condemnation could alienate a large number of Democrats who are planning to vote in the primary, but it's what the country needs even if it's not good for the campaign. Also, it would be presidential.
May 09, 2007
American Idol Season Yawn - Top Four
Ok, so I'm a day behind on Idol. Big whoop. Last night was a big whoop night anyway. Maybe I'll get tonight's recap up by late tonight, or maybe it'll be up tomorrow. Don't tell me who the big loser is tonight! (I'm guessing Kiki and her giant boobies, which she unbridled anew last night. Yes, that's my official prediction: LaKisha and her enormous milk canisters and even more enormous ego -- HE'S BARRY GIBB! LISTEN TO HIM! -- go home tonight. Word to your mothers. And if it's not her, it's Comrade Blahk. Eastern Blahk, that is. Haaaaaa, I'm hilarious. You know it. Laugh.) BTW, LaKisha? Nothing but a panderer.
Anyway, on with last night. Let's pretend I'm just now watching for the first time.
Hey y'all! Blake looks like a communist in headlights as the only guy left in the running this year. Is that Judge Judy in the audience? It totally looks like her. Ryan says it's important to vote. And you know what? He's right, because Joey and Kym were in the bottom two last night? What?? And it's true, I forgot to vote. Ian and Cheryl danced to that commie song! Not to mention that Ian isn't even in the same league with Joey or Laila or Apolo O-Yes (whoa). The clear top two are Apolo and Julianne and Joey and Kym. Laila and Maks are third (sorry, but she has total spaghetti arms, and his choreography is not nearly as inventive! Plus, he totally tried to snake Mike Modano's girl last year, so I don't like him. Boo.), and Ian and Cheryl are fourth. I guess there are a lot of thirty-something gay guys out there who LOVED 90210 still voting for Ian and Cheryl. It's the only explanation. I mean, you saw Cheryl's face when they were not in the bottom two, right? She was like, "Holy crap! I want a recount! Did you even see the way this guy holds onto me like I'm a mildewy rag he's taking to the hamper? 'Ew, ew, ew, it's a woman, get it off me!' Are you sure we're not in the bottom two? They show his hair on TV, right?"
So tonight they sing twice. I was wrong, Frank was right. And it's Barry Gibb night. Yes, yes, yes. I LOVE the BeeGees and all forms of any Gibb anywhere.
OH! Seriously (not to say that my talk about loving Gibbs is not serious, because peeps, it IS serious, just ask my mom, who got me hooked, Jordin), I was painting or cleaning the kitchen last night when the show was on, i.e., not looking at the screen, and when they played the BeeGees hit parade, I happily listened until "How Deep is Your Love" came on. And it sounded soooo. Verrrrrry. 'NSYNC. I know the period thing is so. two. years ago. But it was warranted there, I promise. I almost knocked myself out trying to run to the TV. THEY WORKED WITH 'NSYNC? How did I miss it? No, it was the BeeGees alone. Awesome.
"We're living in a world of fools..." Enough with the Sanjaya jokes, ok? It's over.
And when did Barry Gibb decide that he's Sean Connery? I could not get over it last night. Every time he spoke, I would bust into some James Bond line or other poor Connery impression. Frank eventually jumped into the game, too, even though he was painting the guest room. It looks great, btw. The color is so rich in there! And you look out the window, and there's a palm tree. I'm not a big fan of palm trees. But it looks pretty, and I hear Floridians love them.
01 Melinda's first song is "Love You Inside and Out," which Barry was confused by, because it's supposed to be a falsetto man song, and she isn't going falsetto on it. Eventually he says she pulls it off, but I don't see her shining on this. Mebbe, mebbe neh. Melinda says her goal is to take a group song and make it work in a solo. Uhhhhh... that's so unusual on American Idol? Didn't you have to do it just last week on Bon Jovi week? Anyway, I heart her, so I don't want to bag on her too much. She looks great. Dark jeans, modest funky cool black blouse, black boots, cool jewelry, okay hair. She does fine on the song, but she's not stretching herself or going for it or anything. I don't feel like she's putting herself out there like she's Kiki's boobies or Haley's hoo-hah or Seacrest's ambiguity. RANDY: Another solid performance. I don't know if I was jumping up and down. SARAHK: Did you feel any jiggling movements? That's how I can tell if I'm jumping up and down. Mainly my thighs and boobs start to hurt. We probably feel it in the same places. RANDY: But you know, it was good. PAULA: You know, it's hard to critique you, because your vocals are spot on. We want to say whoa whoa whoa whoa. You're consistent. SARAHK: Kind of like Pauler with the collagen and vodka. And wow, check out the eyeshadow on her tonight. SIMON: I think what Pauler was attempting to say was that was she wasn't that impressed by it. You know, four people left... I expect incredible tonight. SARAHK: Hahahahahaha. Jordin and Melinda are the only ones who aren't generally predictable, and Melinda is in danger of becoming boring. SIMON: That was not incredible. That was more of a backing vocalist's performance. You are better than that. Luckily, you've got a second song. RYAN: Paula, is that what you were trying to say? PAULA: It's good that I'm short and succinct, because we're going to go over tonight because of him. SARAHK: Usually aren't you the warble gooby deedler? SIMON (to Ryan with glee): You just got cut off by the music. SARAHK: Boof on you! In your face! Oh, snap! Y'all, it's gettin' hot up in here.
02 Comrade Blahk Ilyich Lewis is up next, and he is singing "You Should Be Dancing." Barry says the beatboxing really suits the song, because there's a breakdown area in the song. Ouch, right off the bat, we have issues. We now have white skunk tiger stripes in Comrade Blahk's black hair, and I cannot take this joke seriously. He's kidding, right? And he's wearing flowers on his jacket. And some kind of priest collar. With the flowers. I'm pretty sure that's a girl jacket. I think this week he is definitely trying for the Yoko look. If he comes in with little round glasses tonight or next week if (shudder) he's back, we'll know for sure that he is trying to be a Yoko Ono knockoff. The song isn't too bad, except the very first note, which is way off-key. I don't know, dawg, the falsetto on this was actually a'ight, and the skipping and whatnot was ok, but the overall effect just was way too... misguided, Arrested Development fans. Misguided. Mr. F. RANDY: Sometimes when you do the beatboxing it works. Tonight it didn't work. Just keepin' it real. This song didn't need any of that. I just felt like I was in some weird discotheque in some foreign country. SARAHK: *cough* Germany *cough* SIMON: Germany. SARAHK: Ha. PAULA: I have a different take on that. I think it started a little off. Your pitch was off. You didn't have the best night. You showed why you're unique and why you're on that stage. SARAHK: You had quite a lot of criticisms, so why not just tell him that he showed why he should go home? CRICKETS: *chirp* SARAHK: Too mean for Pauler? Oh yeah. SIMON: I'll give you unique. And I know that this is a matter of personal taste, but I thought that that was a terrible performance. MUSIC: Do doot do doot do doot do doot... SIMON: I haven't finished. SARAHK: Mr. Gorbachev, TEAR DOWN THIS WALL!
03 LaKisha's first song is "Stayin' Alive." Ok, see, old LaKisha is back right from the beginning of her first clip, you know... where she acts like she realizes that the legends who have actually made it in showbiz and know how to get to where she wants to go are smart, and then she disses them onstage by ignoring the advice they give? Because She's KIKI! DREAMGIRL EXTRAORDINAIRE...Y. LaKisha pretends that she's listening to what Barry says in his critique. She's singing the whole song low, doesn't even go up on "staying aliiiiii-hiiii-hiiii-hiiive," she's keeping it down in this stupid I'm-doing-my-own-Kiki-thang register because she's decided that it's break-out-the-boobies-and-phone-in-the-song week again. And when we were watching last night, and she started acting like, oh yeah, these are great things he's saying to me! He's BARRY GIBB! You know, like any normal person would think. I just knew that old predictable phoner Kiki was just playing nice with the legend so she could juxtapose that with her in-your-face-I-don't-need-your-advice performance onstage. Ok, I know I'm repeating myself, but my shoulders hurt, and I don't want to go back and edit. Deal! Anyway, Barry likes the slower version she's doing (I hate it, it's a fast song). Alright, so on with the show. The first song, LaKisha actually has the chesties hugged in tight in a real blouse! I didn't see that last night, I only actually saw the second song, because after her fake niceness with Barry, I walked in the other room and listened and cringed while I painted. Hideous, the performance. She looks good in this outing. The arrangement is a mess, because LaKisha learned it at the Ruben Studdard House of Lazy. She's pitchier than Kellie Pickler on standards night. Dang, I wish I'd thought of this last year. Cadet came up with Bewitched, Butchered, and Bewildered. I should have come up with Bepitched, Bothered, and Bewildered, which is almost as good. I'm a year late on that joke. Clam chowdah! (Frank never ever gets the clam chowder reference when I say it, just looks at me blankly, please please, somebody remember that one for me.) And she's just butchering everything. Laying out in parts, not singing for most of the song, letting the backup singers do all the work... Whatever. Enough about Kiki, I hated it, it sucked, what more about it can I say? Next, please. Oh yes, the judges. RANDY: It's good you guys got two songs tonight. I know you were trying to make it your own, but it wasn't working. All the stopping and starting with the melody. Baby, I don't know. You tried to do too much with it, there was too much going on. PAULA: It's always good to gauge the audience, and everyone is on their feet. SIMON: They're heading for the exits. SARAHK: Yay! PAULA: They're not heading for the exits, Simon! But taking the tempo down brought everyone on their feet wanting to dance kinda brought the mood down and yah, so what. SARAHK: I don't think she liked it, but why, Pauler? Why can't you say it? Just say it. At least tell her she's pretty. SIMON: Well, no kiss tonight. You're back to the shouting again. It was bordering on scary in parts. Not great tonight so far. RYAN: Clearly, Simon not the kind that calls back after a first date to see how you're doing. SARAHK: Well if she puts out on the first date, there's no point, is there?
I said it out loud, didn't I?
Oh yes, about the pandering. LaKisha is the Hillary of this American Idol season. Who do you want your Kiki to be? She'll be it for you. Unless you are SarahK, of course. You want Chesty McKnockersville? She's your gal. You want someone to pretend she thinks you're the smartest musical legend ever ever? She's on it. Kiki will even cover the cleavage and talk about growing up in church when she's on the bubble and needs to grab some religious voters. Single moms? LaKiki is just like you. In fact, she is Fantasia 2.0, or so she believes.
She don't feel no ways tired. She's come too far from where she's started from. Nobody told her that the road would be easy.
Coming back from the break, Ryan says he spit on Jordin. Okie doke. First time he's exchanged spittle with a girl. Congratulations, Jordin! What has Jordin learned about herself? Blah blah blah. And she's doing school, too, and her grades are good. As and Bs.
04 Jordin's first number will be "To Love Somebody." Barry says over 200 people have done this song (hello, royalties), and he likes Jordin's version the best. That's high praise from a Bee Gee. Jordin looks cute. Nice hair. It's flat-ironed with long juice-can curls at the ends, very pretty (not that I don't adore her normal tight curls). Jeans, long top that I wish covered her above the chest better. Jordin went to the Melinda Doolittle School of Humility (thank you The Soup) and has officially taken over the I-can't-believe-they're-cheering-for-me gig on the show. It's cuter on her, though, because that crazy smile just makes you almost forget she's doing it. Oh yeah, about the singing. It was good, I'll give her very good, not great. Best of the night so far. She almost got screechy in a spot or two, and the goat vibrato came out once, so I was worried, but then she got over the nerves and handled the rest of it much better. RANDY: That's probably the best vocal so far, Aretha, Mariah, ya-ya. Jordin, so far, you're winnin', baby. PAULA: Not probably, Jordin. Definitely the best vocal so far. SIMON: Best song choice, best vocal so far, we're back in the competition. SARAHK: Also best brevity by the judges. And I agree with Simon and Pauler. Randy took too long to get to where he was going.
01 Melinda is up again and has Inane Viewer Email. What is the first tape or CD she ever bought? Tape, because she's a little older. Yeah, I had vinyl LPs, so shut yer pie hole, Doolittle. And mine, I do believe, was Madonna's eponymous album. Do I sound smart when I use that word? No, I didn't think so. Or was it Cyndi Lauper's She's So Unusual? I can't remember, which means I'm getting old. Melinda's was Michael Jackson's Bad, which her mom crossed out and put "Good." I think Mrs. Doolittle might have been wrong about Mr. Jackson (allegedly). Melinda stammers over why she's shy about her answer (she doesn't just come out and say, "because I grew up religious, and I'm religious, and Michael Jackson isn't exactly the role model religious parents want their children looking up to." She uhhs and wells and... Poor girl. I'da said, "Michael Jackson is creepy, and I didn't know he would grow up and (allegedly) have other people's children come sleep in his bed at his amusement park house! And I love Jesus, and if y'all don't like it, you can just GO TO HEAVEN!" Then people would call me an extremist and possibly a hatemonger.)
So. Melinda is singing "How Can You Mend a Broken Heart," and Barry's like, why are you not singing the part about "how can a loser ever win?" and Melinda's like, "I'm not gonna sing about being a loser on American Idol." Ohhhhh, Melinda, I ADORE you. You get my vote, just for giving me the shout out tonight, girly girl! I love it when they just come out and say, "I read SarahK's writeups, and she says don't sing stuff about going home." Barry agrees she can leave out the lyric about being a loser. Second time out, she looks great and classy again. New dress, prettier hair even. I have to ask, because I don't know... the "la la la la la" part... is that in the song, or did she cover forgetting the words? I'm guessing it's in the song. She would not forget the words. She's too Melinda for that. The first half is a little low-key, but then she gets into it near the end, and she's great. She can do the big notes like Jordin, too. See, if she'll pull out more of those, plus do all that other rockin' stuff she does, all in one song so that she makes a super-exciting song? Finals for the Doolittle. She needs a nickname. RANDY: Yo yo, resident pro, much better this time, look SarahK can rhyme. PAULA: No doubting, beautiful vocal. Throwback to Stephanie Mills. But throw away your technique and surprise us. I keep waiting for you to jump out. RANDY: Yeah yeah. SARAHK: Yeah yeah. SIMON: You don't understand a word of that, do you? SARAHK: Oh, look at the freeze-frame on the DVR. She has the funniest face on right now. SIMON: I think the 2nd half of that song has put you into the semifinals. SARAHK: I surely hope so.
02 Comrade Blahhhhk Vissarionovich Lewis (google it and find out who was born with that middle name, because I worked for it, peeps) has picked for a second song "This is Where I Came In," because it's an obscure song, and it won't be compared to the original by many people. Blahhhhk with the skunk hairdo said so himself. Barry is like, "What? That's crazy, you're stupid for picking that one." Barry says, "We thought that song could be a hit. We were wrong. But maybe Blake can put a contemporary beat to it and make a hit out of it." Considering that he's not butchering one of the bestest disco classics of all-time here, I actually like this one better than the first. It's boring, but it's not offensive.
OH! BY THE WAY! I totally forgot to make note of the fact that LaKisha didn't even hint at the Saturday Night Fever dance during "Stayin' Alive." I wouldn't have wanted to see that, but it goes with the song, and come on. I would have wanted to see it. I ain't a liar.
Anyway, back to Vasiliy. RANDY: I do think this was definitely better than the last one. Remember, you ain't gotta beatbox on every joint, man. SARAHK: Just like you ain't gotta say joint on every joint, man. RANDY: I mean, we know you can do it, and I liked that little reggae spin you put on it, but I don't know man. PAULA: But if he can, he can. RANDY: I know, but it gets old. SARAHK: Check out the freeze-frame on Pauler's face right now. (Simon laughs at Pauler -- he must have the freeze-frame too. Yay Tivo, right, Simon?) PAULA: Blake, I don't know that song, but you, do you like M&Ms? I do sometimes. Dipped in vodka and stuff. And it was spot-on-key. SARAHK: Spot-on-key? Pauler, you're mixing your spot-on and your on-key. I don't think you're supposed to do that, like I don't think you're supposed to mix certain alcohols, not supposed to mix the words "black" and "licorice," and not supposed to mix the words "Pace" and "picante." SIMON: I don't know why you chose that song, I found it completely tuneless, I don't think you've had a good night tonight. You have a lot of young support, which is good. It was a really weird, bizarre song choice. RYAN: Did you think he would get that, going into it? COMRADE: I didn't think so. SARAHK: Without the young *cough* dumb *cough* support, you're toast. And Kiki shows the udders after the break, so you'd better hope VFTW has picked you for their champion (we forgot to look this week and don't want to spoil the results show for ourselves).
Oh yeah. We haven't gone and checked out the finalists for the songwriting competition yet. I'll get back to you on that, because we totally don't want a stinker for the first single this year.
Judge Judy in the audience, yes, I was right. Yay me.
03 LaKisha's second song is "Run to Me," and Barry gives her some advice that she probably won't take. Barry says she has two key changes. She says, "Ok, yeah, you're so smart! Of course I'll take your advice!" Flotsam and Jetsam are back on display in her black and green cleavage dress. Oh, however many snaps in a Z formation (was it 3 or 4?), I just got a wicked migraine in my left eye. They cut the video weird, so it's hard to tell what advice he gave her exactly, so I don't know if she followed it. The singing is better on her second outing until the end when she is completely cracky and offkey on the next-to-last note (I remember yelping at that one last night). I put her squarely at the bottom tonight. I actually think she'll go home. That's my prediction. RANDY: I know you got a little hoarse at the end, but it was much better than the first joint that you did tonight. SARAHK: Ahem. See above re: joint. RANDY: But that was good, that was good. PAULA: Don't worry about that note at all. You're still a champ. SARAHK: She was a champ? SIMON: It still wasn't great, and I think you and Blake are vulnerable tonight. SARAHK: I agree. If she doesn't go home, Blahhhhhk will.
04 Jordin's second JOINT is "A Woman in Love," and Barry tells her she has a choice with every high note whether to go intense or stay gentle. In other words, she has control, dawg. And he highly compliments her and says that he thinks she will be one of our great female recording artists. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say she could win it all this year. If she works on that screechy thing and the goat vibrato thing. And she only does that when she's nervous, it seems (my goat vibrato comes out when I'm nervous, I admit it). Or maybe when her voice is tired? This second song, not so great. It was still good, but she was better on the first song tonight. She looks pretty, and she was still the best tonight overall, but Melinda's second was better than Jordin's second. I give Jordin the win by a nose. The two of them were far ahead of the Comrade and Chesty No-Vesty. RANDY: Yo check it out. I don't think it was your best. It was pitchy. It's a tough song to sing, so let's give props to Barry Gibb. PAULA: Jordin, you're beautiful, and yeah, I can't think of anything nice to say other than that. Simon, please, take over. SARAHK: If only you had said it for reals. SIMON: I love the song. It was a bit old fashioned. It was very pageanty. But you're seventeen, Jordin. Aren't you? SARAHK: I think he's dismissing the pageanty thing there? I don't know. Anyway, yeah, your first JOINT was way better. But I love you, dawg.
Prediction: Comrade Blahk goes booooo-bye. UPDATE: Obviously that's not what I meant to write in this space, because above I wrote this big long predictive sentence about Chesty going booooo-bye. So. Prediction: Chesty goes booooo-bye.
24 this week!
Hey y'all. I've started the AI post for last night, but I've been painting all day, and on my lunch break, Frank is making me watch the inanity that is Day Six of 24. My prediction for this week's episode: Nadia (Yassir) is a mole, and "Audrey" is really Anna Espinosa.
I'll update this post if I have snark. I don't even care about this show this season. Not after they killed Rico Suave.
Oh look! I have snark. Lisa Miller is such a generic, white bread name. Hi, I'm Jane Smith, and I've been unknowingly committing treason. And isn't the Lisa Miller plot the same plot from season one where that girl from Palmer's camp was sleeping with that terrorist guy? Don't go rendezvouz with him, Lisa! You'll second-degree-murder the only lead to the leak inside the beltway!
Nadia said, "If Chang gets out of the country with the component, Russia will hold us responsible and will strike back at us." That should have been followed by, "And we will be forced to obliterate Russia." Translated roughly, "If we do not get the component back from Chang, Russia will be forced to commit a violent suicide."
So... are Nadia (Yassir) and Doylie an item or something? They sure are having a lot of "moments." My eyes are going to pop out, they're rolling so hard.
Jack says "please" A LOT. He did that even before the Chinese got ahold of him, right?
"The objective is to obtain The Package."
Seriously, are we looking for a Rambaldi device? I really wish I hadn't seen the previews. I wouldn't know what The Target was. CTU? :-O Too bad Rico Suave and Soul Patch Tony aren't around to help out. But at least they have one badpinkytoe on the premises.
Chloe O'Brien, baby.
Dude. The sound on this show has been HORRIBLE this season. The Whispering Disease is so bad that we have to turn the amp up practically all the way, and then we nearly burst the speakers during the commercials. Not cool, 24. Not cool.
Oh, funny thing. When the tac team got to the arsenal, Doylie said that there were "empty rifle magazines," and Frank asked me what he just said, so I repeated it back to him. He thought he'd said "anti-rifle magazines." The jokes and puns ensued. Frank started it off. "I thought maybe it was some Brady campaign magazine." Then me. "Yeah, like the American Anti-Rifleman." His was better. Actually, I don't really remember what I said. At the time, I was picturing some device that fends off rifles. Gun control doesn't work, so I was coming up blank. Oh well. End diversion. I apologize for saying it would be funny.
I think generic home grown terrorist guy is going to kill generic white bread Lisa Miller.
Milo: "I understand if your feelings for me have changed. I mean, we started having feelings for each other like ten hours ago, and I understand if you don't have feelings for me now. Also, maybe you have feelings for Doylie. That's ok, or whatever."
So who is The Package? Is it Sydney Bristow's sister? No wait, she was The Passenger. We think it's either Chloe, so she can arm the bombs, Jack, or Jack's sister-in-law.
HOLY. Poor Milo! As soon as they asked who was in charge, I knew what was going to happen to the in-charge. But wow. Let's just kill any characters who've been on the show for longer than five minutes, okay? Watch out, Chloe, Jack. You're next.
So why do they want Jack's son?
Hmm. The kid didn't grab the gun out of the fan and shoot anyone with it. This is the first time I've questioned that he is Jack's son. Of course, Jack's gone soft anyway.
Mrs. Petrelli, sit down.
Oh duh. That's why they want Jack's son. Just an exchange. They should want him for something better, like he can rig an election with his mutant powers. They need new writers for next season. If we can telecommute, Frank and I volunteer. I really just want to write Chloe's lines and make sure Jack cries less, though.
This is pretty funny:
Andrew Sullivan of Instapundit questions Parsons choice of metaphor, seeing as how the Sioux nation ultimately lost the war.
Here's your challenge (yeah, it is a lot easier when you write your own humor): Complete this sentence
"Confusing Andrew Sullivan with Glenn Reynolds is like confusing Frank J. with..."
Not Good with the Numbers
Now that Obama inflated a death toll from 12 to 10,000 (that's like a Hillary Clinton futures investment type increase), I'd take his statement on how much money he's raised with a grain of salt.
So, let's all play psychologist! Why would he accidentally inflate a death toll? Would it be because he was hoping for a higher death toll to better make his point? One thing I've learned from the past years with the craziness about information about Katrina and the constant troop death "milestones" in Iraq and all the insane numbers on civilians killed there, Democrats seem to get a hard on for high death tolls.
May 08, 2007
John Edwards Tries to Learn About Poverty: Takes Job Peddling Crack.
John Edwards announced today his next step in understanding poverty. Previously, he took time between runs at the presidency to work at a Hedge Fund.
"Asked if he had to join a hedge fund to learn about financial markets, Edwards replied, "How else would I have done it?" "
That's the type of man John Edwards is. The type of man who gets his hands dirty. That's why his next step is to jump in and understand how difficult it is for young men of color to make a living.
Said Edwards, "When I went to work for Fortress Investment Group I was hoping to understand the roots of poverty. Unfortunately, the only thing I discovered is that nobody wanted to join me at lunch getting a haircut (something about it being the cost of a car note, whatever that is) and nobody in the next limo ever seemed to have any Grey Poupon. I blame the Bush economy and the Iraq war's disastrous effects on our economy."
John Edwards will be standing on street corners hawking his wares. If all goes well, he'll not only make money, but make more valuable inroads into today's celebrity community.
Well, folks, I've been busy dealing with preparations for the Grand Opening of Disneyland Gaza, but I think I'm at a point where I can let y'all know about it without ruining the big announcement.
Of course, our Western Values need to be toned down a bit for the rambunctious and peppy Arabic/Islamic Market, so the Big Mouse himself needed a little touching up.
You know, like Sesame Street characters need done in various global markets (NOTE TO SELF - Never share sewing needles when patching up the South African muppets).
Anyway, here's that old mouse you know and love, improved for the kiddies of Gaza and shown on Al-Aqsa TV:
(Al-Aqsa Television, a wholly-owned property of the Hamas Terrorist Organization and Grill, is suffering the same fate of our own culture's MTV... I remember when the Al in Al-Aqsa meant something, darn it!)
We're a little concerned with the mis-translation there, because mice often live in holes in walls, so the use of the word "glory" there might send the wrong message.
The best part of this costume is - all we have to do to make a Gaza Minnie is to cover a spare Mickeyhammed Mouse suit in a big black burkah. Saves time, effort and money!
Of course, it's not just a bunch of Israel's Most Wanted, running around in big rubberhead costumes hiding in plain daylight, smuggling weapons in their suits. No, we've also got attractions that the whole family (well, the ones not martyred yet) can enjoy:
(There's more, but I don't want to ruin all the surprises)
We were going to build a Gaza Epcot, but the natives kept vandalizing the hydroponic farms and the only Western nation who wanted to build around the Cesspool Of Terror Facilitating Nations was Norway.
Oh, and we're still trying to work the bugs out of the nightly fireworks shows. Seems that they keep raining down on Sderot and just barely missing the civilian population there.
I keep telling the engineers to fix that, and they keep threatening to kidnap me and hold me for ransom. Ha ha ha... they're such tough negotiators here!
Anyway, watch the news, and get ready for an E Ticket to Paradise!
If You Had to Vote for a Democrat
Let's say you get to the voting booth on the primary day and find that you errantly registered yourself as a Democrat. Who should you vote for? Well, there seems to be three serious candidates... but one is John Edwards who, for all intents and purposes, is a little girl. Thus, let's focus on Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama.
HILLARY VERSUS OBAMA
For all we know, Obama might be an honest person (that could even be a campaign slogan: "Obama: He might be honest!"). Then again, Carter was honest. Still, on this issue, it's easily advantage Obama.
This is a hard one. Hillary has experience, but it's experience being a screechy, mommying fascist. Obama has no experience, so who knows how he'll do if given any responsibility. So it comes down to the evil you know versus... smiley. I call this one a toss up.
Hillary: Pure evil. Babies cry when she's near. Obama: Goofy. He looks like the black version of Laurel from Laurel and Hardy. Babies laugh when they see him.
Not even Hillary's supporters deny that Hillary is pure evil. Then again, maybe these times call for evil to be used against our enemies. Still, I have to side with not evil. Advantage Obama.
The past is in the past, man, so I'd say let all this go. Still, Obama has more to give people pause. He could easily get rid of some nasty rumors simply by eating bacon at a campaign stop and exclaiming, "Man! I loves my bacon!" Right now, advantage Hillary.
Seems superficial, but it's right to scrutinize every aspect of who may represent America. Thus, while we're fighting the evil of Osama bin Laden, do we really want a leader people are going to keep accidentally calling "President Osama"? It's like electing a "President Bitler" during WWII. Also, Obama's first name always makes me think of the Mortal Kombat character who has a big smiley mouth full of sharp teeth and two larges blades that comes out his arms... and I never cared for that character. Then again, Hillary has the same last name as a known sex offender. Still, advantage Hillary.
If you look at the pictures of presidents, it's a bunch of angry white men. Maybe it's time for the presidency to look more like America. So, what more important: racial or gender diversity? Well, if we go historically, blacks were given the vote before women, so they should get the presidency before women. Plus all races agree: Women are crazy and emotional. Advantage Obama.
If any major conflict happens, I expect Obama to wet his pants as quickly as any other Democrat. Hillary will most likely lash out with a fiery, screechy vengeance. Advantage Hillary.
* * * *
To me, this is a hard choice. Hillary scares me, but maybe America needs a scary president right now. Then again, maybe harmless Obama would do less damage to America and could be bullied into action when needed. If you had to choose between the two, who would you pick?
May 07, 2007
Frank Thoughts on Spider-Man 3
I know Cadet Happy already put up his review, but I just wanted to ad my two cents. We went to see Spider-Man 3 Saturday (Free Comic Book Day... and we each got a free Spider-Man comic!) with our friends from Orlando (Rachel and Jim), and it was... okay. I mean, it had enough action for a summer blockbuster. Still, by the end of the movie, every single character had broke down crying (except J. Jonah Jameson... who also was the only character who didn't know Spider-Man's secret identity by the end of the movie).
I know complex villains are all the rage, Raimi, but next time give us someone pure evil for Spidey to beat up with no moral complexity and lose the waterworks.
Illegal Mexicans got you down? You'd like to deport them, but think of all the paperwork and the long drive to toss them over the border.
But now, deporting Mexicans is as easy as saying "Go home, invader!" if you use...
Simply place the Mexican in the Mexi-Cannon™, and its patented cannon technology takes over from there, delivering the Mexican back to Mexico in the blink of an eye.
Still, there are millions of illegal Mexicans in America. Can one cannon really deport all of them?
Yes it can with its Rapid-Fire Action!
That's right; the Mexi-Cannon™ can fire more than one Mexican at a time!
Soon all the Mexicans will be flying back to Mexico. Take that, evil Mexican Presidente!
The Mexi-Cannon™: For all your deportation needs!
THE MEXI-CANNON™ FAQ
Q. Can the Mexi-Cannon™ be used for deporting Canadians?
Q. Will the Mexi-Cannon™ hurt Mexicans?
Q. Aren't the Mexicans simply here to pick lettuce and thus don't deserve to be fired out of a cannon?
May 06, 2007
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
If all the computers in the world worked together, it would still take them six quintillion years to calculate exactly how awesome Fred Thompson is. In fact, computers will never be able to calculate that since Fred Thompson's awesomeness increases faster than Moore's Law.
May 05, 2007
Spiderman 3 -- what a complete waste of time . . .
So, the summer movie season starts--with a pathetic whimper. This movie is a mess--way too many subplots, way too many villans, way too much rehashing of ground that has been gone over before, way too many changes of heart on a dime by major characters, way too much Aunt May (yeah, I know she only has about 5 minutes of screen time, but it felt like an eternity).
The opening credits was way too long--did we really need to summarize the first two movies? It was purposeless.
Did we really need to revisit the Uncle Ben death thing AGAIN?! Yeah, I get that he's shook up about it and all, but I can go back and watch Spiderman I if I want to re-experience the intricicies of that plot line.
What is with that idiotic 45 minutes where Harry Osborn suddenly becomes happy go lucky again? Stupid waste of time.
The CGI looked cheap in parts. As I was sitting there, I was thinking--oh, they did it on the cheap because they knew that the story was so miserable once they started editing. And then I found out this was one of the most expensive movies ever!
The Little Nicky sequence was so ridiculous I could hardly believe it. The jazz club scene reminded me of the Jerry Lewis Nutty Professor club sequences.
Kirsten Dunst's MJ was extremely unattactive--what a whiny, self-absorbed twit--I was hoping this would be the epidsode where she dies.
The thing from space was ludicrous--what is it? where did it come from? why did it focus in on Peter Parker? I had to listen through Aunt May's nauseating engagement speech, but the director couldn't spare 5 minutes to explain the black wormy thing (which reminded me a lot of X-Files by the way). And why did the wormy thing take the form of a spider suit? And why did it continue to take that form after it left Spiderman?
The Sandman character was never given a chance to develop. How he teamed up with Venom, I'll never know--especially in light of the "Jean Valjean" take on his life of crime.
Harry Osborn's butler forgot to mention he knew that Spiderman didn't kill his father?!
Perhaps some hardcore Spidey fans, who've read a few decades worth of comics could fill in the blanks on all these plot holes, but I certainly couldn't follow it.
And, can we decide that no more Stan Lee cameo's are required--each movie he has appeared in more ludicrous fashion, and his cheap toupe doesn't translate well on to the big screen.
May 04, 2007
BlogAds is having another blog poll to see who is reading blogs. Participate, and you'll get a cookie.
On the first page of the survey, you get to write a testimonial for IMAO. Tell me what you wrote in the comments (and make it super awesome!).
Fred Thompson Facts T-Shirt
* Fred Thompson often fills in for Paul Harvey and Batman.
* Physicists say nothing can escape a black hole or Fred Thompson.
* Why does Iran want nukes? Fear of Fred Thompson.
* Though Fred Thompson left the Senate in 2003, Harry Reid still hasn't stopped wetting his pants.
* Only two things can kill Superman: Kryptonite and Fred Thompson.
* Every night, Osama checks under his bed for Fred Thompson.
* Fred Thompson is a prime number.
* Actual cause of global warming? Fred Thompson's burning rage.
* Fred Thompson appears human size because he is actually standing a million miles away.
* Not only does Fred Thompson cut taxes, he cuts tax collectors.
Maybe later I'll make some stickers and magnets with individual Fred Thompson facts. If there are some facts you like that I didn't include, put them in the comments.
May 03, 2007
More Words from Fred Thompson
I think the Republican presidential debate may be on now (I'm not sure; I don't really follow politics), but Fred Thompson isn't in it, so who cares? Anyway, here are some words from Fred Thompson about Castro, Michael Moore, and health care.
BTW, I found out Marvel has some comics free online, and I read an Ultimate Spider-Man (#87) and found out that Peter Parker's rival Flash Thompson's real name is Fred Thompson. Apparently he uses the nickname so Fred Thompson doesn't murder him for using his name in vain.
State of the Frank Report
This is the part of the blog where I write about my day for those interested.
They're rebuilding the monkey house!
How can this be? I even used hidden speakers and squibs to make them think the place was haunted. Still, there they go rebuilding it.
Thus, the wife and I have been quite busy painting the house and getting it ready to sell. We're going to move to Texas where there are many laws on the books regulating how close a monkey house can be to residential areas.
Painting is a pain. It's not the painting so much as the prep work such as the taping and the drop cloths. And then little things are always coming up and needing to be fixed. It seems like we'll never be done and away from the monkeys.
And then there's those trips to the hardware store. I was rushing to get to Home Depot before it closed when someone jumped on my hood. "We need to talk!"
Batman! "Like hell we do." I maneuvered the car to ram into a telephone poll, but he jumped off just before the collision.
Bruised and battered I struggled to get out of the car, but then hand gabbed me and yanked me out. "They're still investigating you about Aquaman's disappearance!" Batman yelled at me.
"I don't have time for this; Home Depot closes in fifteen minutes." I came at him with an uppercut. He dodged and socked me in the gut. I ignored the pain and took the open shot at his head. He kicked me, knocking me to the ground, but I had what I needed: His grappling gun.
I fired it at a truck that raced by and zipped myself to it, grabbing hold of the back. "Goodbye, Bat... stupid!" I yelled at Batman (I really need to write those sorts of lines ahead of time).
I got to Home Depot and got a new can of orange peel texture spray just before it closed. I then had to call SarahK for a ride back and sent a tow truck for my car the next morning. Stupid Batman. I wonder what he wanted?
Frank Advice for the Republican Presidential Debate
Apparently there is a presidential debate for the Republicans tonight. It's too early for me to care much, but I think I should be a team player and offer some advice.
FRANK ADVICE FOR THE REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE
* Make it clear that nukes are on the table when dealing with Iran. If another candidate already said that, up the ante by adding, "And the table is made of C4!"
* Promise to cut taxes. If everyone keeps promising to cut even more taxes, say you'll actually pay people to be Americans by taking money away from the poor and uneducated (the poor and uneducated don't watch Republican presidential debates).
* You don't want to appear hateful, so don't call John Edwards any sort of homosexual slur. In fact, come out and explicitly say, "I'm not going to call John Edwards a faggot."
* If asked whether you're worried about Fred Thompson joining the race, try not to urinate uncontrollably while answering the question.
* Great line for whoever uses it first: "If Harry Reid keeps it up, he's going to need a withdrawal date for my foot from his ass!"
* If you ever need to get the crowd going, just start listing Democrats you think should be executed for treason.
* To get your bona fides on the issue of illegal immigration, strangle a Mexican on stage. You'll have to be quick about it or you'll just look like your copying Tom Trancredo.
* If asked whether the war in Iraq can be won, the best answer for that is, "Only a homo would ask that question." Actually, that's great response for a lot of questions.
* Republicans want a man of action, so don't be afraid to break things in controlled fits of rage.
May 02, 2007
American Idol Season Yawn - Top Six Double Fantastic Double Elimination Non-Charity Event Night -- Total Bloodbath
Ok, peeps. I realize that I didn't blog last night's show, and I know y'all hate that. Just hate it with all of your bones, because you live for my AI blogging. Oh I know! So tonight I'm gonna try to blog the results show with flashbacks to last night's show so you can get my opinions. That's why you're here, right? And if you want to skip to the end, I predict that Chris and Phil are going home on American Idol Super-Fantastic Bloodbath Night (or whatever I called it before). The way I ranked them was Melinda (just barely #1 over the #2 contestant), Blake a microscopically close second (I'll explain later), a shockingly not boring and two-weeks-in-a-row not chesty LaKisha solidly in third (and were it not for the rabbit coming out of Blake's communist hat last night, I might have put her ahead of him and wanted to kiss her myself, though platonically on the cheek, mkay?), and lagging pretty far behind, I had Chris in fourth, Phil in fifth because even though he didn't suck, he was just so stinking boring, and Jordin (whew, what a disaster that was!) firmly in last. But I think Jordin has a good, solid fanbase.
Plus, this guy sang a going home song.
"I'm going out in a blaze of glory..."? Those lyrics didn't send you running from the song, Pennywise? Or should I say Pennydumb?
Ok, on with the show.
And write off thee bat, their's a poster in thee audience that says "Blake Your #1". These our Blakes' fans, kids. *sigh* I love poor grammar humor.
So there is the grimacing Antonella. Seriously, I think she just realized that she's been duped into a live taping of American Idol and not a sneak preview of the new Spiderman movie. Sorry, Antonella.
The Celiac Disease book just fell off the back of the couch and almost landed on my head. I wonder if that's a sign that i'm ready for my biopsy.
Ryan says that once again the results show will be stretched into an hour with no filler; then he looks around and does that pretend whistle thing, followed by a, "Sure." Frank doesn't think he would want Seacrest to joke about it if he were a network exec. I think it's great that they own it, and if I were the exec, I would say, yes, Ryan, own it. Just get out there and make fun of it all. Sanjaya, your own questionable sexuality, Paula's collagen, Paula's vodka-induced crazy, Paula in general, and filler. Oh, and Simon's self-chest massages. Definitely make fun of that. For the love of pete.
Paula just did the "love you!" fingers over her head, and I promise, it looked like she was doing the "shape of an L on her forehead." Simon is shaking Paula's head by her hair. Has ahold of her hair. This is the real reason to watch this show. To watch Pauler's head bob back and forth at Simon's tacit behest. Paula tells Simon that she's not his puppet. Ryan says, "I've seen his puppet, and you're much prettier." Simon looks shocked, chuckles, and looks toward whom I assume is his girlfriend. They almost never show her. He quickly stops smiling, so yes, the girlfriend. Simon and I have both assumed Ryan was referring to the girlfriend as the puppet. TOO MEAN! And no, if I recall from the one or two times I've seen her, Ryan is mistaken. That's all I'm saying, because I don't like to be mean to Pauler unless it involves vodka or collagen, and Pauler would be pretty without those, I think.
They talk about how this was finally a night to watch on AI, how it was a great night for everyone. SarahK interrupts, "You mean except Jordin, of course. Poor girl. It was like Gwen Stefani night ten-fold, but without the Raggedy Ann clothes." Ryan asks Simon about rock night, and Simon says that unless Ryan apologizes for the remark about his girlfriend, he's not going to answer the question. Simon knows which girl to keep happy (Ryan or the girlfriend). Smart man, Simon. Ryan says, "She's your puppet?" and gives a poorly acted performance of "What? That's totally not what I meant. You took it that way? What's wrong with you?" Simon, being classier and/or British (meaning that he has the accent, so he can seem classier whether he is or not), says, "Oh, that's not what you meant? Ok, then, it was a great night, and if I have to give top marks to anyone, it would be Blake, for taking a risk." Blake's like, "Wow," with that ugly black hair he's trying to pull off. It does not work on him. And I'd venture to say that it's annoying his good friend Chris just a little that Blake died his hair dark and is trying to pull off the Five-O-Clock. Just my outsider's opinion. I could be way off. (But I'm a girl of 30 and very smart about people, and there's a look that Chris gives Blake a little later, I had to rewind five minutes, so... um, I could be right.)
They recap last night. Ryan does his man-on-the-street thing. Then they go to the kids on the couch.
Ryan talks to Blake a little first. How does he come up with the arrangements? He uses computer software and makes mashed potatoes out of the music and stuff. Communist mashed potatoes. Ryan asks Jordin about being so awful, and she says yeah, everyone has to have a bad week, and this was mine, and blah blah blah. Pennywise is up next. Ryan says Pennywise wasn't allowed to listen to pop music as a kid? What, he's decided to steal Chris Sligh's backstory to try to make himself more interesting? "We didn't have pop music in the sewers of Derry, Maine." But listen to this gold that comes out of Pennydumb's mouth: "Well, you know... my dad's a pastor... of a church." As opposed to pastors of... well, I guess he could have meant sheep. Ryan asks Kiki what kind of kisser Simon is. "Good! I'd do it again." "No no no. As we heard earlier, he has a girlfriend, and it is very serious. Trust me. I've tried to turn him. I mean... um..." Ok, I added that last part, because I'm still annoyed about the puppet girlfriend ugly comment, so I've decided to question Ryan's sexuality again. It's fun for me. Let me have my fun. He hates it when people question his orientation. Oh, and I say all this in the spirit of "allegedly." Of course.
Ruben Studdard appears on screen briefly to remind you that you can still donate to 1877-IDOL AID. Where was he last week, anyway? Where was Clay? Where was Fantasia? Where was Taylor? Anyway, we/they (I include me, because I practically begged y'all to give last week) raised over $70MM and counting. Yay us!
Ryan asks Melinda what impact the charity event had on her. "Well, I didn't get eliminated, so that was awesome." Naw, I'm just kidding, she didn't say that. She said it was great and all that. She was blessed and felt sunshine and rainbows all around her.
Recap of the previous week's charity show. Officially known as "filler." For unseen footage and details on where the money is going, including John Kleese footage, go to americanidol.com.
Robin Thick(e?) is performing now. Who? All I know is I don't have to sit through that. That's what Tivo is for. Nice smile, though.
Fantasia wants you to give money. She's standing in front of library books. At first I thought that was a strange place to stand. Then I remembered that she came out as being illiterate, and she's learning to read now. So that's kind of cute or poignant or something.
Bad Ford commercial. "Paint It Black". They should not even be doing this song. Gina did that song. She was there last night, and I wished she were onstage singing. She wasn't. :'-( But that was probably one of the cooler Ford videos they've done. And creepiest. And most fitting, for purposes of having a farewell video for Pennywise/Nosphilatu (as the rest of America likes to call him). Have they even *seen* It?
Ryan has some results.
He starts with Melinda, Pennywise, and LaKisha--plucks them right off the front bench. I'm thinking this is where Pennydumb goes home. Oh yeah. I forgot that they are combining last week's votes with this week's votes. Eek, that could kill my predictions. Oh well. I'll stand by them.
He starts with Melinda. So I will start with Melinda. Cue Scooby Doo music.
Melinda tells Jon Bon that she's so bad at rock. He says, "I can teach you." Can you teach me, too? Because I'm really bad at it, too. She's singing "Have a Nice Day," one of the newer songs. He tells her to take it to church. She's like, "I like church!" She tries to do the "I love you" fingers, and she isn't sure which way the fingers should face. It's ok, Melinda, nobody really knows. Onstage, she looks awesome. Jeans, sleeveless shirt with laceup leather on the side (but still modest) that says something I can't read. Brixton? Very uncomfy shoes or boots with stiletto heels. She is rocking and in-your-face and I LOVE her. Best of the night by a hair. BTW, her hair is great. Long and straight. RANDY: Yo yo yo, I don't know if it was your best, but it was great. A little Tina Turner. SARAHK: Definitely Tina Turnery. RANDY: It was hot. PAULA: How does it feel to be a rock star? You're a rock star! Rock on! Rock the house! Rock the vote! Rocks are cool! SIMON: Melinda, it was like a young Tina Turner. Vocally in a different league to everyone else tonight. SARAHK: Agreed. I loved rock night. I only wish The Glock were singing.
Next is Phil. Scooby Doo...
Phil is so excited to be jammin' with Bon Jovi. Maybe not as excited as he was on J-Lo night. Bon Jovi says he nailed it and sounds like he's sung it many times. Phil is singing "Blaze of Glory." He starts in the audience, goes up on the dancy scaffold behind the judges, and eventually gets to stage. Watching it again, it is not as boring as I remember it being. But it's every bit as much a leaving song as I thought. And while it doesn't suck, it is nothing spectacular, and I wish I'd not accidentally looked up at the TV in the middle of the performance. Other than the end note, it is nothing different from the original. Also, when I watched it last night, I remember telling Frank, "I can't understand a single word he's saying." He does not "pronunciate." I stand by my 5th place ranking and my prediction. Especially knowing that he's in a three with Melinda and LaKisha, and Kiki has gained even in my own eyes two weeks in a row by the mere act of wearing something over her baby feeders. RANDY: Check it out, yo. I recorded that with Jon Bon Jovi. SARAHK: A name drop? I've never heard such a thing from Randy. SIMON: That's what was wrong with the song. RANDY: You were like harkening Steve Perry on a Bon Jovi song. SARAHK: Did you catch that dual name-drop thing he did there? Very sly. I'm sure no one even saw what he was doing there. Except me and Simon and Paula and thirty-five million Americans. Eh, make that probably fifteen million (my estimation of the adults who waste time this way like Frank and me). I'll bet the teenagers don't get it. They vote for communists and hair. PAULA: You'll never forget this year. You were like a kid up there! SARAHK: One who's never seen the sun. PAULA: This was your best week ever. SIMON: I don't know about that. I didn't hear any authenticity. In the middle, I thought you were like a bad actor trying to play a role, and I don't think you've done enough to last next week. RANDY AND PAULA: We tell the truth. SIMON: It's not the truth. SARAHK: They can't handle the truth! And Simon's right. And wow, that jacket. Phil does not pull off that jacket.
Then it's LaKisha. Y'all know the drill about the music. WHERE IS THE MUSIC? Oh, sorry. I found it. Didditidoot. Didditidoot. Didditidoot.
LaKisha gets viewer email. Yay! She refuses to sit on the urinal stool, because she wants America to see her slim side. And actually, I did notice that she appears to be slimming down. I don't know if it's the lack of white satin in recent weeks or the sleek, long hair extensions, but she is looking slim. By the way, I got my hair done yesterday, y'all. It looks lovely. I got three inches cut off, and it's still almost to my boobs. If I'd known it was still going to be that long, I would have told Sue to take five inches off. I have so much hair. Not complaining, though. Where was I? Kiki's viewer email. Did she have any formal training? No, just church. Church? And it took you this many weeks of my vitriol to get you to cover your cleavage? Anyone notice everyone's trying to bring in the "church" card after Melinda showed us what's on her iPod? Mmmmhmm. Just sayin'. Or implyin'.
Ok, so LaKisha says she's heard of Bon Jovi and seen him on Oprah, Girlfriend. Oh dear. I have nothing to say about her making me feel that old except "bless her heart." (That's how Christians say "I hate you" in a nice way.) But she's never ever listened to his music. She's singing "This Ain't a Love Song." Jon Bon (we're old friends, because I knew allllllll the songs and recorded them on cassettes, people, cassettes off the radio growing up-- KISS FM and Eagle 97 and Y-95, hello) has to explain to Kiki that, um... this is a love song. It's, like, ironical? So she gets it after that. When she sings it, I have absolutely no complaints, and I got chills last night when she sang it, and tonight on the rewatch, I got chills and nerve tingles up my legs. Applause!! Nothing bad to say about it except the whole "I've seen him on Oprah so I know who that old guy is" thing. Throw the older voters a bone, girl. We vote too.
Oh, funny story. I found my old Gospellaires tapes (they're a wonderful a capella men's quartet from a church of Christ in Cleburne, I think, if they haven't moved on to the next life, because they weren't exactly young when I was in middle school), and I think I had copied these tapes from my stepmom when I was in middle school (statute of limitations is out on that, right?). Ok, so I was listening to these while painting the kitchen the other day, and I was singing along, painting, deep in thought and song. And apparently I had re-recorded over a tape that I had previously used for recording the top 10 off of the radio. Because right after the end of a beautiful gospel hymn, I hear Paula Abdul. Pauler, I'm not kidding! "Straight up, now, tell me do you really wanna love me forever... oh oh oh..." And then the DJ busts in and tells me that I am listening to Y-95. Do you think I'm going to hell for that?
Anyway, the judging on LaKisha. RANDY: LaKisha's back this week. You've got something to prove to Simon. It was a little pitchy in the beginning. You blew that out the box! LaKisha's back! PAULA: Money in pocket, you gave us some'in' some'in'. SIMON: LaKisha, I actually could kiss you after that. LAKISHA: Well, come on! (Ryan drags LaKisha down to Simon, they smooch on the lips.) SIMON: You were so good. RYAN: The image of her lipstick on your lips. SIMON: You rose to the challenge, I didn't know what the song was. You absolutely nailed it. And nice lips. I absolutely loved it. SARAHK: Me too. And thank you, once again, for reigning in those jugs.
Melinda is safe.
American Idol "Challenge." Where do the Idols go for a visit tonight in the Ford video? Laundromat, carwash, circus? Hrmmmm. I just watched that. Oh yeah.
Back row stands up, it's Jordin, Blake, and Chris. Do you want me to spoil the non-surprise before I review these three? Ok, I will. Ryan says, "Jordin, I messed with you so much last week, I won't mess with you this week. Sit down, you're safe."
Ok, so let's go back to last night.
Jordin. The music, please! Thank you.
Egads! Make it stop! I'm sorry, I shouldn't be so ugly about it, but it was a disaster. But let me torture you with it as I was tortured with it. Jordin says to Jon Bon & the keyboardist... um... Slash... "My mom is gonna flip out... She got me into y'all, so I'm just..." Jon Bon is gracious. "Oh yeah?" Jordin is singing "Living on a Prayer." Even in the rehearsal, Jordin is struggling, and JBJ says, "We had to work on the melodies a lot with Jordin. But she's seventeen. I couldn't sing half that good at seventeen." The verses are bad, choruses are worse. I thought it was awful when she said, "Gina works the diner all day," and pointed at The Glock in the audience. No, The Glock is gonna be a singer, too, Jordin. Frank says she just wanted to be like, "Hey, your name is Gina, and that's the name in the song!" Probably, yeah. She's seventeen. Anyway, it's an atonal mess, though I love the hair and the outfit, regardless of Simon's criticisms. Her worst performance ever. Wow, that studio audience will stand up for any performance then, no? RANDY: This was interesting for me, because... It was tough for you, right? When you hit the big notes in the choruses, it was ok, but the verses were rough, right? PAULA: None of us know what it's like for you to be in the workshop process. You have a hot guys band. It was out of your range. But you're great, and I love lollipops. They're great when you dip them in vodka. SIMON: Let's just cue the boos in advance, because... first of all, the look was something out of the Addams Family. The singing was out of control. It was verging on shrieking sometimes. You're at a disadvantage, because you've been given guys' rock songs to sing, but it was terrible. RYAN: Thank you, Herman Munster. SARAHK: Aren't all three of the remaining girls at a disadvantage? And Melinda and LaKisha nailed it, so... um... I can't agree with you on that one. Also, one of the best things you can do on American Idol is sing a song by someone of the opposite sex, because then there's no chance you're going to be compared tone-for-tone to the original. As long as you're not off-key, you have a shot of being called great. I mean, I would suck at Bon Jovi week, but I would do something like pick an obscure song that nooooobody knows and sing the stuffing out of it. Or forget the words. Either way, I would NOT pick "Living On a Prayer." Nothing that everyone over twenty-five could sing in his sleep. Or her sleep, as it were.
Blake. Scoooby! Blake is singing "You Give Love a Bad Name." Jon Bon says it is an "adventurous" rendition (Teller the keyboardist nods and smiles in agreement), and when an artist says that, it generally means, "Dude. You're butchering my song. What the heck? Don't you know I'm Jon Bon Jovi?" Jon Bon says Blake will have to sell his interpretation of a song that a lot of people don't want messed with. SarahK being one of those. Because at the beginning of this last night, I was standing at the edge of the couch saying, "I DON'T WANT IT MESSED WITH. DON'T MAKE IT YOUR OWN, DAWG!" JBJ was being gracious and all, but did anyone get an inkling that maybe he was going, "Hey! Sing the dang song!" Yeah, I got that inkling when he said, "Sixteen measures of someone not singing on a show that's supposed to showcase singers... makes me wonder." I was already tense before this began.
Ok, so at the beginning, Blake is onstage with Black hair, because he's a rocker, you know. And he is miming. Miming. Bears repeating. Twice. Miming the act of taking a record off the shelf, in case yours truly didn't feel old enough. Putting the record on the turntable, etc. I'm laughing and saying, "Oh no. He is NOT doing this to Bon Jovi." Then "Shot through the heart..." begins. Thankfully putting us out of the techno-mime misery, right? No. There's more techno-crap during the verse. And I'm saying, "No no no" all throughout the beginning of this and trying to scratch my skin off of myself. Like "get it off me! get it off me!" But then the chorus arrives, and "Shot through the heart" and I'm back on board. Oh yay! It's great! As soon as he hits the chorus, I am all up in this song. Oh yes. And then he beatboxes. On "You Give Love a Bad Name." You understand my feelings of intense... scrutinous... wonderment? Because on one hand I'm going, "Save it for Dirty Pop!" and on the other, he's really good with the beatboxing. And on the third hand, he sang that communist song last week, and the only way he can ever truly come back from that in my eyes is to sing the Toby Keith song about "we'll put a boot in your--" where was I? Right. The chorus eventually rolls around, and I'm so happy again, because he's so good at it. When he just lets go and doesn't try to do this soft, crappy, understated communist propaganda, his voice is glorious. So. I was conflicted. But every time I was just about done and saying, "Stop! Stop it! No!" then he would sing the chorus. So butchering a classic with fantastic beatboxing that should be showcased in an 'NSYNC song and NOT a classic that I grew up on was tricky for me. I hated it and then loved it and then hated myself for loving it. I just don't know what I would have done had it been "Pour Some Sugar on Me." Oh, speaking of 'NSYNC, I think the DWTS judges would tell Blake the same thing they initially told Joey Fatone: "Your bum sticks out quite a bit." Doesn't it? I know, I'm one to talk, thunder-thighs over here. RANDY: Yo, check it out. I've gotta give you the award for the most original version of a song ever on AI. You took a leap of faith and you won. PAULA: This was a big leap of faith. This was amazing. This was your night. Even Simon's mum. She was rocking with you. SIMON: Half the audience will absolutely hate it, and half the audience will love it. And I think that was the right thing to do. You are a very brave man, and you took a big risk, and this is what is going to keep you in the competition next week.
Chris's performance last night. Fred! Velma! Dog! There was Inane Viewer Email, but it was stupid and forgettable. Chris is singing "Wanted Dead or Alive," and Chris says that he knows Chris Daughtry did this last year on AI, but you can't have a Bon Jovi night on AI without doing this song, and if someone has to take the hit for it, he will. Chris doesn't know the words in rehearsal. They're not allowed to take lyrics sheets in with them? That's stupid. I love that Chris has to prompt Jon Bon to give him performance notes. "Anything on performance?" "Find the blue note, and stick to it, because the song has a blues aspect to the lyrical content." A lot of words in that sentence. Rewatching this, I really like it. Anytime I hear someone sing, "I've got the nine on my side," that is just... well... it makes me want to go to the shooting range, not because of pent-up aggression, but because guns are sexy. So yeah. I should put him in a close #4 spot, way ahead of Pennywise. I really hope he doesn't leave. I'd rather see the communist go home. Of course, for all I know, Chris is one too. You never can tell with these young, impressionable children. RANDY: I was worried about these Bon Jovi songs tonight, because none of y'all are rock singers, but y'all are blah blah yay. PAULA: Yay! SIMON: I think you did as much as you could do with that song, because this is not your style of music. Whether it's enough to stay another week, I'm not sure. SARAHK: Hmmm.
I LOOOOOOOOATHE THE CINGULAR TEXTING COMMERCIAL MORE THAN WORDS CAN SAY! DO I NEED TO TEXT IT TO YOU?
Back to live...
Bon Jovi is performing "(You Want to) Make a Memory." And the whole band is there. It's amazing the huge acts that AI gets now. But really, what venue is bigger than AI? This is so much bigger than Leno and Saturday Night Live. I didn't look up stats or anything, but I'd bet at least a dollar on that.
Jon Bon won't pick who's leaving between Chris and Blake. Politician!
Taylor Hicks is also in front of books. That blows my whole illiteracy theory. Unless Taylor was illiterate? It's nice he decided to acknowledge that AI exists and helped him get anywhere. Ingrate. He did it for The Children, I guess. Or to remind you that he released an album.
Blake and Chris say they're best friends. Awwww. I guess Chris could be a communist too. Bummer.
Chris is going home. Blake is staying. That's probably as it should be. Chris hasn't really done anything noteworthy lately. I still like him. Oh, we're back to "Home" by Daughtry.
Well. Frank and I are tired after tonight's bloodbath. Shame on you, American Idol, for being so violent tonight.
No tears for Chris, contestants? That's cold. Even Jordin and Melinda can't squeeze out any saline. Wow, standing O from Simon. Oh, finally they squeeze the tears out after he's done singing. Chris and Blake are hugging a LOT.
And it's down to Blake (the beatboxer) and the black chicks. This show is racist. I'm just kiddin'.
Your Husband May Be Gay!
Last night, SarahK was watching the results show to Dancing with the Stars while I was painting the guest bathroom. During a commercial break, there was an ad for Good Morning America in which there would be an interview with Jim McGreevy's wife with the teaser "Could your husband be gay?"
Oh, that's trouble.
Think if women learn to wield that as a weapon:
WIFE: "Honey, want to go with me to the fabric store to help me pick out curtains?"
HUSBAND: "Why don't you just shoot me in the face instead?"
WIFE: "According to a segment on Good Morning America, men who don't want to go pick out curtains with their wives are really just afraid of exposing their homosexuality."
HUSBAND: "What? Well, I just didn't want to go because I... uh... hurt my knee doing manly things. But it's better now! I'm going to go help you find curtains and then sex you up -- heterosexual style!
How much do you want to bet Elizabeth Edwards is going to tune into that Good Morning America special? Anyway, might as well get the ball rolling...
INDICATIONS YOUR HUSBAND MAY BE GAY
* He watched Dancing with the Stars under his own volition.
* He cares whether you have curtains.
* You're a man and you married in Vermont.
* He's openly a Democrat (Mrs. McGreevy should have picked up on that one).
* He regularly has sex with men.
You know the drill; keep it going in the comments.
Shaking Their Tiny Fists in Impotent Rage Against the Machine
Rage Against the Machine is raging against President Bush.
What took them so long?
Long time readers of IMAO will remember the Limey who quoted Rage Against the Machine lyrics in each of his crazed e-mail until I had to put him down. Rage Against the Machine has been impotently raging against "The System" for forever, so you'd think they would lead on Bush-bashing. Why did it take until now for them to make news on this? Were these anarchists and crazed leftists really on the fence about President Bush until just now?
I'm disappointed; that's all I'm saying.
BTW, I knew a factory worker who raged against a machine; he lost three fingers.
Bill Whittle is back to blogging, having posted twice in less than a week. He promises to post more and has even reopened comments. Also, he has a new version of his book and a Latin motto to vote on. If you've never read Eject! Eject! Eject!, you are stupid and should go there and be not stupid.
The big news is he has apparently trekked far into the Himalayas and found reclusive former blogger Rachel Lucas and convinced her to return to society. Some of you may be too young to remember her, but she was one of the first bloggers I read and also made the original IMAO logo for me. After this long away, her rant could be deadly.
Political Correctness is Fascism
Naomi Wolf penned an excrutiatingly long, factually-challenged, spun-like-a-centrifuge screed about Bush turning America into a fascist dictatorship that invokes Godwin's law so fast and frequently that it makes a frog in a blender look like a Doc Edgerton photo.
As a mercy to IMAO readers, I'll give you the short version of her "10 Steps To Fascism" delusion:
1. Invoke a terrifying internal and external enemy - "terrorists - like the ones behind 9/11"
2. Create a gulag - "put terrorists in Guantanamo"
3. Develop a thug caste - "hire private security guards"
4. Set up an internal surveillance system - "monitor international communications of vocal terrorist sympathizers"
5. Harass citizens' groups - "have cops join anti-war groups with a history of violence"
6. Engage in arbitrary detention and release - "...of vocal terrorist sympathizers"
7. Target key individuals - "fire eight attorneys"
8. Control the press - "tell people that known spy Valerie Plame was a spy"
9. Dissent equals treason - "call a leak of classified information 'disgraceful'"
10. Suspend the rule of law - "create an emergency plan for dealing with a devastating terrorist attack".
Still, maybe she has a point. Perhaps there IS a political movement in this country that fits all ten of the warning signs. Maybe the ACTUAL fascist threat to this country is Political Correctness:
1. Invoke a terrifying internal and external enemy - "being offended"
2. Create a gulag - "sensitivity training classes"
3. Develop a thug caste - "activists"
4. Set up an internal surveillance system - "any blog with the word 'watch' in the title"
5. Harass citizens' groups - "animal rights groups that accompany hunters with noisemakers"
6. Engage in arbitrary detention and release - "suspending students for ham-related hate crimes"
7. Target key individuals - "Imus"
8. Control the press - "ABC, CBS, NBC, PBS, blah, blah, everyone but Fox, Rush Limbaugh, and maybe Michelle Malkin"
9. Dissent equals treason - "Global warming deniers"
10. Suspend the rule of law - "More gun control"
There ya go - short, sweet, absolute proof. Not only that, but I didn't have to mention Nazis or Hitler even ONCE to do it.
In your face, Wolfie, ya blithering hack.
May 01, 2007
Unverfied Fred Thompson Facts
People have been e-mailing me Fred Thompson facts even though I've never made a claim to be the repository of Fred Thompson knowledge. I'd thought I'd share them with you, though I must warn you that these facts have not been triple verified like all the other Fred Thompson facts I've told you. Thus there is the possibility they are false and Fred Thompson will kill us all for reading them.
UNVERIFIED FRED THOMPSON FACTS
* Fred Thompson never has to stop at a traffic light because of a Homeland Security directive requiring all lights to turn green whenever he approaches.
* Fred Thompson eats shotgun shells for breakfast and craps 44 magnum bullets in the afternoon.
* Rosie O'Donnell insulted Fred Thompson so he morphed her into a reasonable, intelligent human being. After
* Does a bear @#$% in the woods? Only with signed notarized permission in triplicate from Fred Thompson.
* When Fred Thompson empties his pistol at the firing range, it reloads itself out of respect.
* Fred Thompson is part man, part machine. Underneath, he has a hyper-alloy combat chassis - micro processor-controlled, fully armored. Very tough.
* Fred Thompson uses a .357 Magnum as a remote control.
* Fred Thompson's carbon footprint is the size of the Yukon.
* Fred Thompson once opened a stuck jar of pickles by winking at it.
* Nuclear reactor coolant fills Fred Thompson's hot tub.
* There are only 2 things in life that are certain - Death and Fred Thompson.
* Fred Thompson flosses his teeth with a straight razor.
* Fred Thompson eats lightning and craps thunder.
* Fred Thompson uses a machine gun as a back scratcher.
* If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear Fred Thompson loading his shotgun.
* Waldo is hiding because of Fred Thompson.
* The Ultimate Fighting Championship is based on Fred Thompson's playground history.
* Fred Thompson reheats leftovers by staring at them.
* Fred Thompson uses high octane gasoline as mouthwash.
* Fred Thompson can see the American flag on the moon.
* Fred Thompson can throw a 95-mph fastball ……. with his foot.
* Fred Thompson uses the St. Louis Arch as a hand exerciser.
* Fred Thompson's steely glare will soften steel.
* Fred Thompson's gravely voice will often start brush fires.
* Fred Thompson runs a 4 minute mile in 42 seconds.
* Any stop signal that turns red when Fred Thompson approaches is immediately sent to the factory for reprogramming.
* When Fred Thompson goes fishing, fish swim to the dock and volunteer to fill his limit.
* Tides flow in and tides flow out unless Fred Thompson wants to take his kids to the beach.
* Harry Reid insulted Fred Thompson and was instantly transformed into a one dimensional cartoon cutout
* A Homeland Security directive requires all Airlines to keep a First class seat available to every city in the United States just in case Fred Thompson wants to go there.
* Abraham Lincoln once said, "You can fool some of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you can never fool Fred Thompson."
BTW, here's an editorial by Fred Thompson at National Review on how America doesn't care what others think of us. If you have any new facts about Fred Thompson, put them in the comments... but try to verify your facts first.
America Needs a War On Ham
An Editorial By Harvey
Recently in Lewiston, Maine, a middle school student was suspended - and rightfully so - for the hate crime of placing a ham steak on a lunch table where Muslim Somali students were sitting. Sadly, instead of treating this grotesque offense with the seriousness it deserved, insensitive jerk Nicholas Plagman of Associated Content actually wrote a parody of the original news story, treating this serious subject with levity, as though it were merely a harmless prank instead of a repugnant assault on someone's religious beliefs.
I am outraged.
"The simple truth is that if it weren't for all the ham in this country, 9/11 never would've happened"
So I'm taking a cue from Toledo Blade columnist Dan Simpson, who wisely seized the opportunity of the Virginia Tech shootings to propose a sane and practical plan for forcibly disarming America's dangerous gun nuts. I've come up with a sensible program for de-hamifying our swine-flesh-saturated country. After all, it's not enough to complain about the problem. One must be part of the solution.
The first step, of course, is to admit that we, as a nation, have a problem. According to PeTA and other unimpeachable sources, ham and its associated hog-derived food items are directly responsible for over 200 million deaths in this country each year. Now, the government-controlled media craftily hides this fact by fudging the statistics, euphemistically blaming the deaths on "obesity" or "heart disease" or "falling into a rendering vat", but this doesn't chance the FACT that pigs are always the root cause. However, the MOST tragic consequence of America's Hoggy Holocaust is that these ham-tastic delicacies are an unforgivable insult to our Muslim brethren, driving even the calmest of Allah-worshippers into an uncontrollable, ululating, American-murdering frenzy. The simple truth is that if it weren't for all the ham in this country, 9/11 never would've happened.
Sadly, America's unconscionable hatred-by-ham has done nothing but escalate since then. I'm always reading people suggesting (as a "joke", of course) that our troops should dip their bullets in bacon grease before shooting terrorists in order to send them directly to Hell - do not pass Paradise, do not collect 72 virgins. I cannot begin to describe the depth of my disgust at statements like this. I don't have a problem with filling someone so full of lead that you could use them as nuclear reactor shielding, but I draw the line at callously insulting someone's religion!
So to save America from both cholesterol and terrorists, I say that the government needs to get serious about implementing a final solution to our porky problem. We could call it the "War on Ham" and model it after other successful government programs, such as the War on Poverty and the War on Drugs, both of which managed to completely eradicate their target problems within a few short years of being implemented.
Here's how it would work (NOTE: for the sake of brevity, I'll use the term "ham", but it would also include bacon, pork rinds, chitlins, etc.):
First, pass a federal law making ham possession a felony punishable by a $1000 fine or a year on a tofu diet. People would then have a three-month amnesty to deposit their offending meat without penalty at a government collection center. The collected ham could then be safely disposed of by having the UN distribute it to the French, since no one cares if they get heart disease or blown up by terrorists.
Sure, the Washington lobbyists for Big Pig will start chucking lawyers at this left and right, but since most of them would be Jewish and sympathetic to our cause, this fight'll be over in no time. Then, after our nation is safely sow-free, we can get to work on averting America's next looming crisis by enforcing mandatory cow-worship before the Hindu Street rises up and destroys us all.
Harvey is a non-disabled Navy veteran accidentally hired to fill an affirmative action quota at IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as "Soooo-Wee! Sow-free For Me!" and "Udders on the Altar: A Beginner's Guide to Bovine Adulation".
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