Giving money to Frank J. makes you happy!
Buy funniest book ever!
IMAO Merchandise and Newsletter
Cool shirts, mugs, stickers, and what-not!
Popular CategoriesFred Thompson Facts
John Edwards Fabulous Facts
Know Thy Enemy
Frank the Artist
In My World
Other ContentOde to Violence
IMAO Audio Bits
Read the Essay
Own the Shirt
Testimonials"All quotes attributed to me on IMAO are made up... including this one."
"Unfunny treasonous ronin!"
"You, sir, are a natural born killer."
"You'll never get my job! Never!!!"
"In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. And He did despair, for in His omniscience, He did know that His creations had but three-fifths of the splendor of that which would be IMAO."
-No One of Consequence
"A blogger with a sense of humor."
-Some Woman on MSNBC
BlogrollAce of Spades HQ
The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler
The Daily Gut (with Jim Treacher!)
Dave in Texas
Eject! Eject! Eject!
La Shawn Barber's Corner
Right Wing News
The Flying Space Monkey Chronicles
Right Wing Duck
This Blog Is Full of Crap
Fred Thompson Links
Blogs for Fred
Fred Thompson Facts
June 30, 2007
Sounds Like a Good Eye Witness... Just Wish I Could Understand a Word He's Saying
Shouting "Allah!" with each punch? I might try that next time I practice martial arts.
These terrorist attacks have been pretty unsuccessful (except for getting Paris Hilton off the news; thanks for that), but even the blind squirrel eventually finds an acorn.
(hat tip Hot Air)
lolterizt! Part 3
Once again, pass 'em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don't be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.
2 from Erik Wit
Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and - if they aren't obscene (this is a PG-13 site) and don't suck too terribly bad - I'll post them for you. Remember to include your name so I know who to thank.
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Fuzzy puppies and fluffy kittens watch John Edwards playing presidential candidate and go "awwwww... how CUTE!"
Bonus fact from Reader Chris:
John Edwards watches M*A*S*H and thinks, "They should have cast ME as Corporal Klinger. I'd be much more believable!"
What Do You Get For the Senator Who Has Everything?
Reader Jim suggests that if you've spent the last few weeks beating up your Senators to vote against the Shamnesty Bill, you should also drop them a line to thank them for listening if they were one of the ones that voted the right way.
Good idea, but isn't there more we could do? Like maybe:
* Send a "Thanks for killing the bill" Strip-o-gram.
* Let them stay up past their bedtimes to watch themselves on C-Span.
* De-fuse the bomb wired to their ignition switch.
* Burn the negatives of those compromising pictures.
Any other ideas?
June 29, 2007
Mourning the loss of Farfour
Sometimes I think that the whole idea of a Zionist conspiracy is just some silly fantasy, like the tooth fairy, or Santa Claus (if you're under the age of 8, he's REAL!) or even the idea of conservative Democrats. Then I read something in the news that convinces me once and for all that Hamas, the PLO, and the BBC are all correct: The Jews are responsible for all the worlds evils.
Case in point. The senseless murder of our favorite Muslim puppet, Farfour. We haven't enjoyed a Muslim puppet this much since Hillary Clinton. Can you believe the Jews killed him? And right in the middle of a show. We know it was the Jews because 400 Jewish kids were told to not show up for the last episode. Plus, he was killed by someone saying he was Israeli.
For details pleaabout this executed Jihadi Mouse, please visit this link
But be brave fair IMAO readers. We can draw inspiration from Farfour and his sweet childrens' tunes.
Bye kids. And remember - Farfou loves you.
Or rather - he did.
Juvenile, Yet Entertaining
When you read a fortune-cookie fortune, you should add "between the sheets" to the fortune to make it more interesting
Similarly, try reading these whiny excuses for liberal failure on the Fairness Doctrine vote with "because liberals suck" at the end.
"there's close to a radio freeze out going on for any liberal trying to get in"
"Air America went bust on a bad business model"
"you've got extremely dumb Democrats that don't understand the value of terrestrial radio"
"If liberals had the clout wingnuts do on radio, the Iraq war would be over by now, because it's clear the people are on our side. We just don't have a loud enough microphone to get the job done."
"blogs can't do everything"
"liberals just got on Armed Forces Radio a little over one year ago. Before that it was all Rush and conservative radio all of the time."
"Liberal action stops before the talk radio engagement, because no matter how good our talkers are they only have a small fraction of the outreach of the wingnuts on terrestrial radio"
"We have two out of three cogs of the machine, while conservatives have all three and have since the early 1990s"
"Because when all cylinders of this machine are engaged the opposition -- that would be us -- doesn't have a prayer"
Liberals own NPR, all the newspapers, and all the TV news (except for half of Fox), and they STILL can't push their agenda through.
Could it be maybe... possibly... that the majority of Americans have rejected liberal ideas because they're wrong, bad, and stupid?
Or maybe it's just...
Well... YOU know.
Time to Get Your Fred On
Make sure to have your t-shirt by the time Fred Thompson announces, because his announcement could be so earth-shattering that it may instantly strike dead anyone not protected by this t-shirt!
Iran Rations Islamic Rage
TEHRAN (Reuters) - Angry Iranians torched pump stations and hurled abuse at President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's government after the world's fourth-largest exporter of religious fury announced that it was imposing rage rationing.
19 gas stations were set ablaze overnight in Tehran after the government announcement late on Tuesday that rage rationing would start at midnight.
"We are swimming in religious indignation, and all they do is squander it fighting against Americans in Iraq," said taxi driver Hasan Mohammadi. "I'm using the last drop of my rage just thinking about it!"
Despite huge reserves of anger and acrimony, Iran lacks refining capacity and must import about 40 percent of its rage, most of which currently comes from threats of UN sanctions over it's nuclear program.
Some Iranians scuffled wastefully or even completely blew their few remaining tops, hoping to refuel before rationing began. Others frittered away their fury by chanting anti-government slogans and openly criticizing Ahmadinejad, who came to power two years ago. Ironically, on a promise to share out Iran's wealth of anger more fairly.
"Last night, in addition to setting fire to and stealing property of 19 fuel stations in Tehran, people threw stones and damaged others," said Bijan Haj Mohammadreza, head of the Iranian Fury Ministry. "What a waste. We should be using our precious remaining supplies of rage to chant 'Death to America' while burning flags."
Under the rationing program, citizens will get to pitch 100 fits per month; less, if they also burn with jihad's unquenchable flame. Rationing will be enforced by having all citizens swipe their electronic "conniption" cards through a state-approved scanner before releasing violent emotions.
During Tuesday's thriftlessly extravagant riots, windows in one gas station in the poverty-strickent Pounak section of Tehran were smashed, six pumps wrecked, and walls blackened. State radio blamed "lavish misuse of valuable wrath by traitors and lovers of infidels". Police could not be reached for comment.
Judge Ali Namazi said 80 people were detained in Tehran and transferred to jail.
"These people have wasted their anger on foolishness. Still, I try not to let it upset me, since I need to save the rest of my rage ration for hating Jews."
Top Ten Ways for President Bush to Further Alienate His Base
After this immigration bill mess, it will be hard for President Bush to make himself even more unpopular with his base. Here are his new ideas:
TOP TEN WAYS FOR PRESIDENT BUSH TO FURTHER ALIENATE HIS BASE
10. Publicly make out with Nancy Pelosi.
9. Not listen to anyone unless they speak in Spanish.
8. At his next meeting with generals, start shouting, "No blood for oil!"
7. Endorse Ron Paul.
6. Demand a new investigation into 9/11 to find out if he knew about it before it happened.
5. Become a coyote.
4. Start writing diaries on The Daily Kos.
3. Publicly make out with Ted Kennedy.
2. Convert to Islam.
And the number one way President Bush can further alienate his base...
Have Dick Cheney resign and appoint a new VP: Harriet Miers.
June 28, 2007
A Skiffing of Fred Thompson's Post
Fred Thompson just blogged about immigration and Cuba, and his post is so awesome I thought I'd skif it (the reverse of fisking):
This has been a good day for America.
I've been a bit tired today, but otherwise it's been pretty awesome.
For a while, it didn’t look like Washington was going to listen to us regarding real immigration reform.
Isn't cool how he says "us." Because he is one of us... but even better.
Thankfully, we’ve been spared a serious mistake, but I wonder if things would have turned out the way they did without the work done by the bloggers, talk radio and the American people.
He's thanking me, a blogger (also, I'm an American people). It's nice when politicians thank others.
Rush, Hannity, Laura Ingraham, RedState, Powerline, Pajamas Media and a lot of others have done a great job.
I'm part of Pajamas Media! I got thanked again! Isn't it nice how Fred Thompson doesn't ignore us like certain Republican Senators.
Take that, Fairness Doctrine.
No squelching of freedom of speech under President Freedom Thompson.
I’m up in New Hampshire today. Met some great people and got to help the state GOP up in the Granite State. I did want to clarify something coming out of my time yesterday in Columbia, South Carolina.
He speaks so clearly, yet he still likes to clarify. You always know what Fred Thompson is saying.
Anybody who knows my track record or has read some of the things I’ve written about the Cuban-American community knows where I stand. While the communist dictatorship has been a tragedy for Cuba, America has been in some ways, at least, the beneficiary.
We do know where Fred Thompson stands; that's part of why he's so awesome.
One of those benefits is the presence of the great Cuban-American artist, Gloria Estefan. She co-wrote a song called “No hay mal que por bien no venga” which I understand translates something like — there’s no bad that doesn’t bring some good. The bad that is Castro’s tyranny has given America one of the greatest communities in the Western Hemisphere.
Because America is awesome. We take what Castro made bad and make it super awesome.
And no one knows better than that community that the Castro regime remains dedicated to infiltrating American institutions to spread his ideology of tyranny. Castro admitted it himself in an interview with CNN in 1998.
It's great to have a leader still on the lookout for Commies trying to infiltrate our country. Just because we have terrorists to deal with, that doesn't meant the Communist threat is gone. Fred Thompson understands that.
This is why the Cuban government rightfully remains on the State Department’s terrorist list for its continued support of terrorism. It’s also why we must oppose the illegal immigration of Castro’s agents into the United States while welcoming the vast majority who immigrate legally and with legal intentions.
And he brings it right back to terrorism and illegal immigration and its difference from legal immigration. Fred Thompson knows what are the important issues.
It seems to me that few Americans understand the threat that the illegal entry by Cuban spies represents to our country, though Cuban-Americans have never forgotten or stopped pointing it out. Ambassador Otto Reich, the former Assistant Secretary of State for the Western Hemisphere has called Castro’s efforts to penetrate U.S. intelligence networks “relentless.”
Few Americans -- including Fred Thompson. You can't get anything past him.
The best-known incident involving Cuban espionage, which many believe may have provided U.S. secrets to hostile Middle Eastern regimes, is probably that of former Defense Intelligence Agency analyst Ana Belen Montes — convicted of espionage in 2002. Now, our intelligence picture has been further complicated by the emergence of oil-funded Hugo Chavez and his anti-American, pro-Castro regime. We know that Cuban intelligence officers, for instance, are in South America — presumably training Venezuelans and others in the intelligence arts.
He's going to protect our secrets and keep an eye on the little Venezuelan thug -- all while thwarting Islamic terrorists. Beats the promise of socialized health care from the Democrats, huh?
Our national security is too important an issue to let folks twist words around for a one-day headline. Cuban-Americans are among the staunchest opponents of illegal immigration, and especially so when it’s sponsored by the Castro regime. We know we have a porous southern border in which they can currently slip through easily. Our enemies know it too.
Back to border security and poking holes in the idea that we have to give in to illegal immigration to pander to Hispanics.
All of us should be rightfully concerned about Castro and his ideological pal Chavez sending agents and provocateurs into the United States through Mexico. I’m sure that Cuban-Americans share this concern as well.
Most importantly, it's Fred Thompson's concern, so we know it something is going to be done about it.
We’ve seen today what the voice of the people can do in Washington. Let’s hope similar voices can do the same thing for Cuba.
That's right! We brought down the shamnesty bill, so now let's bring down the Communist regime in Cuba! With Freedom Thompson behind us, I think it's finally going to happen.
Democratic Candidates Beg Coulter for Abuse
Washington (AP) - After John Edwards successfully transformed Ann Coulter's desire to see him killed by terrorists into a fund-raising bonanza, other Democratic candidates have begun vying for a spot on the conservative columnist's hit list.
"I don't understand why Ann hasn't taken a shot at me, yet," said former New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson, "I'm Hispanic for cryin' out loud! Everyone hates Mexicans right now! I'm such an easy target - Fish. Barrel. Bang!"
"So far, "Richardson continued, "I've gotten Carlos Mencia to call me a 'stupid beaner', but that's not exactly paying the bills. If I could only push Ann into calling me a 'dirty spic' or something, I might actually be a viable candidate."
Ohio Representative Dennis Kucinich was equally frustrated, though less hopeful of receiving a caustic Coulter quote.
"I'm really upset about this," said Kucinich, "This is exactly the sort of inflammatory ad hominem attack that my Fairness Doctrine bill is designed to address. If this became law, then right-wing attack dogs like Ms. Coulter would be required to cast her bilious - yet lucrative - aspersions on all candidates equally."
"Sadly, though," lamented Kucinich, "I don't hold out much hope for a dose of her venom. I mean, how do you insult a straight, white guy? Maybe if I'm lucky, she'll call me 'an elf in a bad toupee".
Illinois Senator Barack Obama, however, was quite optimistic about his chances of laughing all the way to the bank courtesy of one of Coulter's uncomfortable-silence inducing "jokes".
"Honestly," said Obama, "how long do you think it'll be before that Nazi ankle-biter drops an n-bomb on me? KA-CHING!"
"But even if she doesn't go that far, I'm fairly confident I'll score at least a 'spear chucker' or 'jungle bunny' before the year is out. That woman's never been one to shy away from calling a spade a spade, if you know what I mean," chuckled Obama.
Frontrunner Hillary Clinton was abrupt and dismissive on matters Coulter.
"With the combined revenue from my books, Bill's books, and the occasional cattle futures investment, I really don't need her help," Clinton said.
"Besides," she added, "if I wanted to hear from a blond bitch, I'd just talk to the mirror."
Since so many Senators don't seem to understand we don't want any talk of amnesty until the border is secure when told that in plain English -- and they don't seem to know Spanish either -- how do we communicate that to them?
My main thought is to grab them by their collars and vigorously shake them.
Here's An Idea...
Why don't we deport failed politicians?
I think those who hold special power should face special punishment, and thus the Senators behind the amnesty bill should be deported to Mexico and their pictures handed out to all border agents with the instruction that these people are never to be let back into America under any circumstances.
This won't be an easy policy to implement, though, as it will take either a Constitutional amendment or a large, angry mob.
Where Did We Find These Idiots?
Apparently, a number of Republicans were trying to ram through the amnesty bill because they think that it will cause Hispanics to vote for them... because Hispanics are all criminals who hate the rule of law and thus approve of illegal immigration.
If in the future those Republicans want to pander to Hispanics in an insulting way, why don't they instead walk through Hispanic neighborhoods handing out free tortillas and sombreros. It will be cheaper and probably less disastrous for the country.
BTW, Allahpundit has put up the celebratory video of a humping robot since cloture failed so spectacularly.
Why Liberal Talk Radio Doesn't Work and Where the Fairness Doctrine Will Take Us
Liberals control the news, movies, TV, and even have a majority of the blogosphere traffic, and yet all of that is offset by a few loudmouths on the radio? Shouldn't that tell them exactly how crappy their ideas are?
Even if they pass the bill, though, it's not going to work. It's not some magic conspiracy that keep liberals from being successful in talk radio; it's that liberal ideas just don't work in that format. Where liberals usually dominate in the media they never put out their ideas in a frank manner; they subtly put them into how they cover the news or into a movie plot -- the only way such idiocy is even slightly palatable to the general populace. They way liberals talk about politics is all about concealing what they actually think: "I support the troops by wanting to bring them home," "everyone should pay their fair share in taxes," "I'm not saying there is a conspiracy; I'm just asking questions," etc. They're whole method to debating abortion is to yell "choose" and "choice" over and over until you'd think they were arguing against people who wanted to limit Baskin-Robbin's 31 flavors to just vanilla.
That won't work for talk radio. There, you have people very clearly saying what they believe: kill terrorists, cut taxes, build a fence, etc. Ever heard liberal ideas stated so starkly? It rarely happens outside of a university because here is what it would sound like: "I hate America! It is the greatest danger for the world! Conservative should not be allowed freedom of speech because their ideas damage democracy! The government and particularly me should be able to control all of everyone's money! Everyone in the military is a brainwashed killer idiot and they should not be allowed to vote! They should not even exist! People who disagree with any of this should be given special reeducation until they are enlightened!"
Even liberals are scared by their own ideas when stated in a clear manner. So, liberal talk radio will either be people saying the usual useless blather concealing their ideas which will be boring or it will actually have people speaking like complete lunatics and scaring everyone away.
Then liberals will finally realize that the American people hate their ideas. And what will be next for the Fairness Doctrine?
They're going to put LSD in the water.
Don't fool yourselves; it will happen. Liberals will say it will be to help open American minds to their enlightened way of thinking, and their ideas will finally make sense to us while we think spiders are crawling under our skin.
If the Fairness Doctrine is passed, there will eventually be hallucinogens in the water, because liberals won't stop until everyone accepts their idiocy or are dead. Mark my words.
Attention! Attention! Girl speaking! Girl speaking!
Pretty girl at that. Ok, so guess what premieres tonight! Hey, Pauler! Oh, YES, I will be liveblogging this over at mountaineer musings (scroll down for content if you still haven't learned to use Firefox, or if your company really hates internet security and still makes you use Internet Explorer -- I know about the bug but haven't fixed it yet).
Also, in case you're missing the flamewar going on between Rachel Lucas and me, that chick had the NERVE to claim that her dog Sunny (who is cute and doesn't look anything like '70s shag carpet) is cuter than Rowdi (ok, maybe I started it just a little in her comments, but she's the one that challenged me to the GIRLFIGHT!
Keep tuning in for more. It'll only get better.
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
In 1994, Democrat Jim Cooper nearly came within twenty points of beating Fred Thompson in an election. Fred Thompson ripped out Cooper's still beating heart for that audacity. Hopefully the Democratic nominee for President in 2008 will be wiser.
June 27, 2007
If I Haven't Mentioned It Before, Fred Thompson Is Awesome
Via Captain Ed, here is Fred Thompson responding to the lobbying charges the Democrats are weakly flinging his way (kinda weird how both the AP and the DNC came out with that attack on the same day):
Media Mutter is after Fred Thompson now too (couldn't even bring myself to bother to read it having seen their nitpicks before; those guys go after anyone even slightly conservative like over-anxious Chihuahuas). These knee-biters are pretty slow to come up with a coherent attack against Fred Thompson that people will actually care about, but give them a few months.
lolterizt! Part 2
Some housekeeping first.
It's been brought to my attention that there are "lolterrorists" pictures on the web that pre-date my first "lolterizt" post. I was not previously aware of these. If I had been, I would've given them links to credit them with being an inspiration. Nevertheless, I think the creators deserve a little applause for discovering a great idea on their own.
As for the ones *I* post, it'd be nice if you gave IMAO a little hat tip, but I'm not going to go all Disney-copyright-lawyer on your ass if you don't.
I like ego-stroking as much as the next blogger, but it's FAR more important to me to see murdering bastard terrorists being mocked, demeaned, and belittled as often as possible than it is to get credit for a particular picture.
So pass 'em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don't be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.
Anyway, my current plan is to just post a small cluster every few days until I run out of pictures and get sick of Googling for new images. Not sure how long that'll be.
Meanwhile, here's the next round:
NOTE: If you have enough tech savvy to make lolterizt pics, but not enough to post them at your own site, you can send them to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and - if they aren't obscene (this is a PG-13 site) and don't suck too terribly bad - I'll post them for you. Remember to include your name so I know who to thank.
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
All the sponges in John Edwards's house have rounded corners to prevent injuries, even though it doesn't always help.
Bonus fact submitted by reader Matt:
In the TV version of the Incredible Hulk, Lou Ferrigno played Bruce Banner's alter ego. In John Edwards's version, the Hulk is played by a slap-mad Richard Simmons.
There's Nothing Cynical at All to Her Actions
I just got this campaign e-mail from the Elizabeth Edwards, and I thought I'd share it:
Conservative such as Ann Coulter have been using many personal attacks and homophobic slurs against my husband (if that offends you, please click here to donate money). When I heard Ann Coulter was on "Hardball" I called in to confront her hate speech against my husband (to reward this courage, please click here to donate money). She then had the audacity to accuse us of trying to drum up controversy so we can use it to raise money (to reject this as a false, right-wing smear, please click here to donate money). She even accused my husband of being a sissy for sending his wife against his critics; he's still crying from that extreme slander (to help dry his tears, click here to donate money).
Do you think if I'm good and pray real hard, John Edwards could be the Democratic nominee for President? That's the sort of thing that could really help a political comedy site hit it big.
Solution to Illegal Immigration: Communication
A lot of people seemed worried about our border situation, but before trying to pass more bills or build fences or replace useless Senators, maybe we should look at the core of the problem. With reportedly over twelve million illegal immigrants in this country, it's hard to believe that so many people would knowingly break the law. Maybe they don't know they're breaking the law.
That's why we need to focus on communication.
This is a common misunderstanding.
In Mexico, people tend to speak Spanish, and in that language "Sea" doesn't mean "a relatively large body of salt water completely or partially enclosed by land" but instead means "yes" (and they spell it "Si"). Not only do Mexicans have different words for things and spell them differently, they often put little squigglies over letters for no apparent reason. Thus, if you tell a Mexican "Please only legally cross our border," for all you know he could be interpreting your words as "Come on over for free pie."
So let me ask the obvious question: Are our border signs printed in Spanish? Has anyone checked on that? Because if we accidentally put the sides facing Mexico in English, then the target audience won't be able to read them and Mexicans will wander by with no idea that they're illegally crossing a border.
Maybe Mexicans don't understand the concept of a border.
For all we know, South America could be filled with volatile feudal states in which they've given up on static borders. Thus, down there, they could be used to wandering from country to country without upsetting anyone. What America needs to do is start a border awareness campaign in Mexico. We can distribute maps with our southern border drawn in red so Mexicans understand there is an invisible line there we consider important. We can also distribute pamphlets (again, make sure these are in Spanish) that explain why a border is important to us and warn them that crossing our border without permission is considered a crime in our country. Also warn them that police officers in our country tend to shoot criminals in the head and dump the body in the bay to avoid paperwork. I'm sure the average Mexican will respect our border when made aware of it and how important it is to us.
We need to sit down with the Mexican government and explain this to them (and make sure we have Spanish translators with us so that they understand what we are saying). I'm sure when the Mexican government finally finds out about this problem, they will be very concerned. Perhaps they'll say, "Thanks for telling us this. We were wondering what was happening to our people. We have many jobs in Mexico unfilled because people have just been disappearing. Now that we are aware of the problem, we shall solve it to the benefit of us both." This will be said in Spanish, so it will sound like something else.
With proper communication, we can solve the problem of illegal immigrations without more laws and bills. Plus, more importantly, we'll gain a new friend in Mexico. Then, in the future, we can team up with them to solve problems that can't be handled by America or Mexico alone -- such as a cybernetic version of Hitler leading an alien invasion.
No, I *Didn't* Write This Headline for the Boston Globe
Think she's referring to her marriage with John?
June 26, 2007
No Amnesty For Illegal Liberal Radio!
At the end of the Liberal-Reagan Airwave War, the Limbaugh Treaty clearly established AM talk radio as being the sovereign territory of conservative shows & hosts. Since that time there have been legal procedures in place to allow liberals to appear on radio, but too often, these laws have been flouted. Before examining a real solution, it's important to understand the problem of illegal liberal talk radio immigration.
Stealing jobs - It's often said that liberals are just "doing the jobs conservative radio talk show hosts won't do". At first glance, this seems true, since most liberal talk shows suck and end up at the bottom of the ratings heap.
Conservatives wouldn't want to do that, right?
But the thing is, most of these are low-skill, entry-level positions and would be filled by people just entering the work force. Unlike liberals, conservatives would eventually get better and move up, making room for the next generation.
Crime - Some people claim that "liberals are people, too". Interesting theory, but studies have shown that whenever liberals get illegally involved in talk radio, the crime rate skyrockets. Writing bad checks, stealing from children's charities, strangling kittens... the list of their heinous misdeeds goes on and on.
Welfare abuse - Let's lay to rest the myth of "the hard-working liberal". Most liberals who come to our airwaves illegally waste no time getting on the public dole where they are content to receive fat checks from NPR which they squander on crack, tofu, and hemp-based clothing items.
These criminals are aided and abetted by their liberal buddies in congress who propose to "solve" this problem with the so-called "Immigration Fairness Reform Doctrine Act", currently being touted by Senator Kucinich (D - Mind Control Space Laserton). I'll spare you all the legalistic mumbo-jumbo. What it boils down to is that it's just amnesty for the liberals who are already on talk radio, plus it reduces the barriers to letting more of them in.
And how will this new crop of tree-hugging patchouli-ferrets get their jobs?
By stealing them from hard working conservatives, that's how!
If that happens, talk radio will once again become the barren wasteland of lunacy it was before conservatives made the ideological desert of the airwaves bloom with laughter, song, and coherant thought.
But don't despair. There's a better solution. We could have REAL reform in four simple steps.
1) Protect the borders. We need to immediately set up fences around our radio stations. Fences with pointy barbed wire, and dog runs between them filled with rabid German Shepherds. And a minefield. Maybe a moat. Moats are cool. And we could put rabbits in the moat. Big, vicious swamp rabbits. Liberals are afraid of rabbits.
2) Mass deportation. Any liberals who are on our airwaves illegally should immediately be deported to whichever liberal arts campus or community college they came from. There they can go back to earing their PhD in Tolkein Mythology Studies or whatever they were working on before they got really stoned one night and accidentally signed up for Broadcast Communications classes. Plus, I hear the McDonald's in the student commons is hiring.
3) Take corporate greed out of the equation. Companies like the Corporation for Public Broadcasting know they can get away with hiring desperate, talentless liberals for pennies a day. There should be harsh fines and penalties for this sort of exploitation.
4) A real path to radio citizenship: learning English. It's simply not fair to radio audiences for them to have to put up with incomprehensible liberal monkey-jabber phrases like "Bush lied" or "global warming" or "conservative media bias". NO one understands what that garbage means! If they can't even master simple English grammar like not using the word "but" after the phrase "I support the troops", they have no business in the communications industry.
Sane, sensible, simple.
And although the illegal liberal problem seems insurmountable, common sense airwave reform IS possible. Contact your Senators and congressmen now and tell them to vote NO on the "Immigration Fairness Reform Doctrine Act".
The kitten you save may be your own.
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Although peacock feathers serve no functional evolutionary purpose, scientists theorize that the birds developed the aesthetically stunning plumage to allow them to compete against John Edwards.
Sometimes It's a Burden Being This Awesome
Check out Fred Thompson's official YouTube page and check out who is the only person he's currently subscribed to.
That's right; I'm the coolest person on the YouTube (other than Fred Thompson, of course).
Michael Moore Demands Government Funded Cheeseburgers
Moore plans on making a new film showing numerous horror stories from people denied access to cheeseburgers. He hopes the movie will move people to demand universal cheeseburger coverage from their government. "CHEESEBURGERS!!!" Moore stated while violently shaking a reporter.
Though filming hasn't even begun, the new project has already garnered criticism. Conservative pundit and noted cheeseburger connoisseur Jonah Goldberg has attacked the idea of the government paying for cheeseburgers, saying, "There's no such thing as a free cheeseburger. Universal cheeseburger coverage will require a huge increase in taxes. Also, with so many people demanding their 'free' cheeseburgers, the government will be forced to ration them and put people on cheeseburger waiting lists. Personally, I'd gladly pay for a cheeseburger today rather than wait for a free one on Tuesday."
Moore's supporters are claiming that the Bush Administration is trying to shut down this movie, pointing to an altercation Moore recently had with police. Yesterday, the police were called on Michael Moore after he ran up to a drive-thru window and shouted, "CHEESEBURGERS!!!" frightening the Taco Bell employees inside. Moore then violently tried to claw his way through the tiny window until officers shot him with an elephant tranquilizer gun. "CHEESE... burg... ers...," was his reported final statement before collapsing to the ground and being dragged away by a backhoe.
June 25, 2007
Well, it just seems wrong to me to be making fun of innocent animals like that.
So I'll be making fun of guilty animals, i.e. terrorists.
Or terizts, as it were:
If this amuses you for some strange reason, I can probably make some more.
Mountaineer Musings Is Temporarily Down
I keep getting e-mails, but SarahK has not sold her domain name. The people at Hosting Matters are working hard on getting things fixed at mountaineermusings.com, but you can catch a text version at sarahk.us if you're in need of an immediate SarahK fix.
Is good now!
The Senate is going to vote on the amnesty bill again, so it's time to call your Senators and tell them what you think. Tell them that, if they vote for the bill, not only will you not vote for them and not donate money to their campaigns, you'll hunt down and kill anyone planning on voting for them and break into their campaign headquarters and steal their money, thus costing them even more votes and money. That will get them to pay attention.
BTW, if any of you do make any illegal threats, make sure to explicitly state that you have no association with IMAO, the most law-abiding blog out there.
A Frank Solution to Violence in the Middle East
After much analyzation of the problems in the Middle East and all the violence there, I think I've come upon a simple solution: Remove all the Muslims.
Isn't it short-sighted to blame Islam for violence in the Middle East? Isn't, in fact, the culture in the Middle East to blame for much of the problems?
That's a good point. There are many peaceful, successful Muslims who live in America (which is another argument why relocating is good for Muslims). Still, this all comes down to an issue of practicality, and the fact is it's feasible for us to move a large number of Muslims, but we have no idea how to move a culture.
Tell me where in the Bible it says you can't relocate Mecca. I think we can make this a peaceful move. Let's use cruise ships to move the Muslims, because who is going to refuse the offer of a free cruise? We can fill the cruise ships with things Muslims love to do, such as giving them inflatable Jews to kill.
Where would me move the Muslims to?
I'm thinking Europe. A lot of Muslims have already moved there, so it won't take much adjusting for the new arrivals.
Won't we just have violence coming out of Europe, then?
Europe is nice; it will be such a relief after the harsh desert living that I'm sure all the Muslims will calm down and learn to be friends with each other without killing.
What about the Europeans?
We'll send them to the Middle East.
Won't they be resistant to that?
They're a bunch of wusses. We'll just slap them around a bit and they won't put up a fight.
And you'll think they'll be fine in the Middle East?
They are kinda useless, so I would expect a number of them to die from the harsh desert living... but circle of life and all that. The survivors better learn how to get us our oil before we get mad, though.
And what if the Europeans in the Middle East are resistant to giving us oil?
Then we bomb the crap out of them; let's not make this more complicated than it is.
Seems like you thought of everything.
I always do. So let's get moving on this and get us some peace, yo.
War with Venezuela? That Could Nearly Fill a Slow News Day
Anyway, just in case a conflict breaks out, we should learn what we can about Venezuela. Here's what I know:
* Venezuela is in South America. That means it's to the south of us. If you take out a compass, whichever way the needle points, Venezuela is in the opposite direction.
* Venezuela is spelled with a 'V', and is the only country whose name starts with a 'V'... that I can think of. Oh, wait, Vietnam. Venezuela is one of only two countries which name starts with a 'V'. The letter 'V' is the Roman numeral for five and this Roman numeral is closely related to the least memorable of the Rocky movies.
* Apparently there is oil in Venezuela, or, at least, under its ground.
I guess that's all I know about Venezuela off hand. Hope that helps.
June 24, 2007
June 23, 2007
Oddly, Running for Vice President in 2004 Wasn't On the List
New York Magazine recently ran a feature article discussing scientific research on the subtle characteristics that may indicate homosexuality. They listed things such as having a counter-clockwise hair whorl, having a high density of ridges in your fingerprint pattern, and having an index finger longer than your ring finger.
Intriguing stuff, to be sure.
Recently I received a government grant to do my own scientific research on the hidden clues that reveal "lifestyle choice". From that research, I offer the following list of signs that you might be gay:
* If you look at your hand and notice that there's another man's hand in it.
* If it takes you more than three seconds to say the word "fabulous".
* If you have anything in your closet that you refer to as an "outfit".
* With the exception of "orange", if you've ever used a noun (for example, "eggshell") as a color name.
* If you are offended at the suggestion that the word "manicure" is ironic.
* If, when you use the phrase "don't ask, don't tell" to your friends, it's more often as a warning than a punchline.
* If you dance better backwards than forwards.
* If someone mentions Judy Garland and you think of ANYTHING besides "The Wizard of Oz".
* If you've marched in a parade wearing a skirt and it wasn't March 17th.
* If you've ever had sex with a man except for that one time in Tijuana when you were REALLY drunk, and even though you don't remember the incident, your friends all swear it's true, but they're probably lying.
* If you're familiar with the flavor of sweaty chest hair.
* If you LIKE the flavor of sweaty chest hair.
* If you've applied color to your face and you weren't on your way to a football game.
* If you own pink underwear that's the result of a deliberate purchase and NOT a tragic laundering accident.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to Tijuana and do some more research.
June 22, 2007
Next Week on IMAO
Wow. What another great week of IMAO blogging excellence!
Here's what to look forward to next week:
* Part 5 of our 7 part series on whether John Edwards has girl parts where man parts should be
* An in depth look at what impact Fred Thompson's announcement of entering the Presidential race could have on the global climate
* A visual guide to surviving a gay bomb attack
* A salute to firecrackers
All that and your daily horoscopes. Also, make sure to stop by for our fantastic weekend programming.
IMAO: The best political humor site... that you're aware of.
Never Speak Negatively of Ham
When SarahK was checking out IMAO earlier today, she saw in the banner ad below the logo an ad for HamNation (new one up now of MKH visiting the the liberal Take Back America conference) that included a quote from me about Mary Katharine (Suparstar!) Ham that had SarahK laughing for quite a bit. And what I said is completely true with no exaggeration, so keep a look out for it.
In other video stuff, here's a funny little satire ad for Hillary Clinton. I hope to put some time aside to make some more video eventually, but I think my best one was the one didn't actually have any video in it.
Taking the Lefties to Humor School (Again)
Problem 1: Overusing the "invisible" reference - While a "running gag" is a time-honored comedic technique, it really only works when you have enough material between uses for your audience to forget about the gag. That way, when you hit the reference again, they go "Ha! I remember that!" instead of "Oh... THAT again". Using it four times in a ten item list is sleep-inducing, at best.
Problem 2: Brevity! - Unless you're in a permalink contest, the key to list humor is brevity, or at least economy of phrasing. Adding endless qualifying phrases is ok ONCE, as a change-up. Using the technique six times in a ten item list bogs down the pace and muddles the timing. It ends up reading like a third-grader's "What I Did On My Summer Vacation" essay.
Problem 3: Brevity! Brevity! Brevity! - Rather than resorting to the amateurish technique of explaining how the weapons work, try thinking like a professional. Use the NAME of the weapon to tell the joke.
Problem 4: END the piece - Don't just let your list peter out and then call it a day. Tack on a little bonus joke at the end to wrap it up in style.
Here's how a REAL web humorist does it:
From the makers of the "gay bomb", here are the latest technologically advanced weapons the Army is developing to incapacitate terrorists on the battlefield:
* Lambada bullets
* Michael Moore super-weight-gainer bomb
* Hippie smell missile
* Ron Paul loony laser
* Can't get the chorus from "Hey, Jude" out of my head grenades
* Restless Leg Syndrome rockets
* Satellite-based wedgie weapon
* French courage gas
* Special Olympics mines
* Portable pit o' ravenous Rosies
* Paris Hilton work ethic ray
* Not-so-fresh feeling cluster bombs
And the most effective hi-tech terrorist-stopper of all:
(see extended entry)
They won't be fighting much after that one.
I Was Thinking...
Many of you probably don't like the government much right now, but never forget that we need a government. Without a government, what would stopping me from shooting you in the face? Nothing but the trigger pull weight on my gun. I always want to shoot anybody who looks at me in the face, but as long as there's a government out there to retaliate, I have to think twice about it.
So never give up on the government; it's what keeps me from shooting you in the face.
Why Won't You Die!
John Hawkins keeps scooping everybody by giving a report on exactly what's going on behind the scenes to bring back the immigration bill. Harry Reid just won't rest until America's borders are destroyed. I admire his conviction.
But why are some Republicans pushing for this bill when all it will do is make everyone hate them? Is it a cry for help? Have they been checked for depression? These are the questions the MSM just won't ask.
More Evidence That Republicans Are Insensitive
The GOP are trying to make it illegal for the House Speaker to visit a terrorist state, and they've done it all without taking into consideration Nancy Pelosi's vacation plans. Now how can she undermine America is the eyes of terrorists? Is she going to have to invite the terrorists over to her house? Last time she did that, one of them ran off with one of her grandkids. She has a lot of grandkids, so it's not that big a deal, but, still, she'd rather not have the terrorists over.
The Sun Is Hot
An MSNBC study found that journalists' political donations are 9 to 1 to Democrats and liberals. Journalists responded by vowing to hunt down that 1. Actually, there's this whole website Media Matters devoted to finding and destroying the insidious bias of that 1.
What I wonder about are the liberals who insist that the media isn't liberal despite all the evidence. There are even some who argue it's biased towards conservatives. That's pretty much like arguing the sun is cold.
LIBERAL: I hate the sun! It's so cold!
NORMAL PERSON: Um... the sun is hot.
LIBERAL: Really? Then give me one example of the sun being hot!
NORMAL PERSON: It's always hot. Right now, as we're speaking, the sun is hitting us with its heat.
LIBERAL: It's not hot; it's corporate biased... and it's cold!
Liberals are so stupid. Sometimes I want to burn them with fire -- which is hot. Before anyone misconstrues my point, I'm not saying that liberals should be burned with fire, I'm just saying that I find it entertaining when pain is inflicted upon them.
June 21, 2007
"My name is Rather. And I’m a dick."
Via Iowahawk, private eye Dan Rather is back to sleuth the blogoshphere underground in search of CBS news's missing viewers. Plus, there's a link to me in there somewhere, so that makes this one extra good.
Michael Moore's "Sicko" - Propagantastic!
Michael Moore's new documentary, Sicko, is a brilliantly executed film work that approaches a difficult subject with an open mind, and delivers its facts with a surprising evenhandedness and absence of bias.
Fine. I lied. If he can do it, so can I.
Still, I have to admit that watching Sicko was an eye-opening experience. Here's just a few of the amazing things I learned:
* British hospitals not only offer free medical treatment, but also free argument clinics and free being-hit-on-the-head lessons.
* There is an acute shortage of human blood in US hospitals, because federal regulations require hospital administrators to drink it in celebration after every denial of treatment to the uninsured.
* Cuba has the best health care system in the world, since it provides a skilled physician from Spain to examine every Cuban President in the country.
* Unlike in America, you'll never see a long line of desperately ill people waiting at a health clinic, since in Britain it's called a "queue".
* Most pharmaceutical companies recycle by making their drugs out of people who died because they couldn't afford to buy the drugs.
* 50 million Americans are uninsured and are at severe risk of paying money in exchange for products and services.
* American health insurance premiums are determined by using a complex array of morbidity & mortality charts, combined with 20-sided dice-throws from a basement full of D&D nerds.
* Britain's health care system is modelled on Canada's. Their dental care system - Alabama's.
* The French not only provide free health care, they also provide free nannies for recovering patients with children. Still working on air conditioners for the elderly though.
* The ultimate proof of the superiority of Canada's health care system? Hospital gowns that completely cover your ass.
* The health care system in place at the Guantanamo detention facility is closer to France's system than America's, since it's full of angry, unassimilated Muslims.
* In order to get decent health care in the US, you first must get abused by a cynical, unshaven doctor with a limp and a Vicodin addiction.
* Unlike in America, a French hospital does not have to charge fifty dollars for a couple of lousy Tylenol, since their currency is the Euro.
The other thing I learned is that listening to Michael Moore discuss the importance of good health care is like listening to Ted Kennedy discuss the importance of sobriety.
In My World: Secret Mexican
Tony Snow sighed and entered the Oval Office. "You know, conservatives are actually kinda scary when you're on their firing end. I hate asking again, but I don't quite understand why you're so averse to securing the border and why you want to grant amnesty to illegals so bad."
President Bush motioned to Tony to close the door and come closer. He then whispered, "I never told anyone this, but I'm secretly an illegal Mexican."
"Um... I don't think so, Mr. President; I know your parents."
Bush shook his head. "They told me they found me as a baby in a well in Mexico."
"You sure they weren't joking?"
Bush leaned back in his chair. "I'm never sure of anything, and that's never stopped me from acting. We need to get this bill passed so I won't get deported. Now go out tell the Republicans who are against this bill that they just hate brown people. Have Linda Chavez go out and do that too... and tell her to lay her accent on thick."
"She doesn't have an accent."
Bush pounded his desk. "Then tell her to get one!"
"Sir, I don't really understand how insulting Republicans is going to help things."
"Well, which one of us is the President and which one of us is the... uh... whatever you do?"
"White House Press Secretary?"
Bush kept staring at Tony, and eventually Tony realized that he was expected to answer the rhetorical question. "Um... I'm the guy who does whatever I do."
Bush jabbed himself with his thumb. "And I'm the President!"
Tony was about to leave, but he stopped. "So this is really about you thinking you're Mexican? I thought this was all some Karl Rove scheme to try and pander for Hispanic votes."
"No. Karl Rove doesn't actually exist; he's just a fiction we put out there."
"What?! Why would you make up Karl Rove?"
"Well, the thought of him scares and distracts my political opponents." Bush was silent a moment thinking. "The complete reasoning is pretty complicated; only Karl Rove is smart enough to understand it all. Anyway, if you see a Republican that's against amnesty, punch him and tell him he's stupid. That will get those stupid Mexican-haters on our side."
Tony sighed. "The Republican Party was fun while it lasted."
Bush chuckled. "It was a wild ride." Bush then stared intently at an empty space on the wall. "No! You can't have my bologna sandwich, Rove! And you stop putting evil thoughts in my brain!"
Tony hurried out of the office and spotted Karl Rove in the hall. "Do you know the President thinks he's seeing you?"
Karl Rove smiled. "And who do you think you're seeing? Muh ha ha ha ha!" He then disappeared into shadow.
"I really should have stayed at FOX News."
Mayor Bloomberg Changes Party AGAIN!
"I felt that the best way to show my dedication to the people was to commit to a group that best represents America. That's why today my new political party is SMURF."
Critics agree that this latest political strategy could reap dividends. Said one political scientist, "I feel that this decision is just smurfy."
Mayor Bloomberg emphasized that he is NOT going to be running for president. "I'm not runnng for President. That's not what I'm about. For those who want to know what I'm about, I recommend you visit my website at bloombergforpresident2008.com."
He also announced the choosing of a new Bloomberg Theme Song: Goodness Makes the Badness Go Away.
June 20, 2007
Mayor Bloomberg Abandons Independant Status, Converts to Ferengi
"I discovered that there might be a just a bit of competition if I decided to run for President one day as an Independant. So I converted to a party that, hopefully, will offer less competition: The Ferengis."
Political analysts are undecided on the impact of such a bold decision. Says one expert, who refused to be named in case anyone is actually reading this, "It could really change the shape of a Clinton-Thompson election. On the one hand, people who want to vote for actors might lean a bit more towards Fred Thompson. Whereas, the Ferengi party might draw some votes away from cold, conniving people obssesed with money, money, money. We'd have to see who Hillary might choose as her Vice President."
Mayor Bloomberg insists this is a calculated decision arrived at after much thought and introspection. "I want people to know that I'm not seeking the easy way on anything. Also, while pondering my next career move, I certainly did not consult my Magic 8 Ball Star Trek Edition."
We will have more news on this as it develops.
Fun Facts About The Ron Paul Supporter(s)
Ron Paul supporters are easy to recognize, their signature headgear, when properly applied also keeps fat from dripping on your grill and flaring up. Also his name is Barry.
Ron Paul supporters not only appear when his name is invoked 3 times, it drives them crazy, an admittedly short trip.
The Federal Reserve killed most of Ron Paul's supporters puppies.
If you're bitten by a Ron Paul supporter if you don't become one, you do become a carrier.
Where do Ron Paul supporters have their meetups? A house of mirrors.
Ron Paul supporters never get sick and can only be killed by decapitating them. There can be/is only one.
When Ron Paul returns to the Earth, his followers believe he will restore the constitution so well that the ink will smell wet and also miraculously restore the moat around America to its pre-civil war glory.
To a Ron Paul supporter the first 10 amendments to the U.S. Constitution are collectively known as the Bill of WRONGS!
Every time a bell rings a Ron Paul supporter get his mouth very salivated.
Ron Paul supporters think everyone who doesn't support him fears him like they fear getting abducted by aliens, again.
When the feces found in the U.S. Capital was determined to be Ron Paul's, his supporters were quick to hail it the best idea, anywhere, ever and also delicious.
If Ron Paul falls in a forest, his supporter(s) will claim it's because gravity is inherently unconstitutional.
Some claim Ron Paul supporters spam online polls, the truth is they just all have the same I.P. address because... Hey! LOOK kittens!
The most ardent of Ron Paul's followers think the US government is too big when it has more people than the secret number Ron Paul has written on his magic anti-alien hemp underpants.
Support Your Local Ham
Mary Katharine (Suparstar!) Ham is going to be on O'Reilly tonight talking about internet stuff including the National Lampoon's 72 Virgins trailer:
Wouldn't that be a fun controversy if that film actually got made?
Video of Ham's appearance is at Hot Air. Looks like it could possibly be a weekly thing.
IAEA Head: Shooting His Rabid Dog Would Be "Madness"
VIENNA (AP) — The head of the International Atomic Energy Agency cautioned on Thursday that shooting his rabid pet dog, Mahmoud, over his refusal to stop biting his leg would be "an act of madness," in indirect warnings to animal control agents.
IAEA chief Mohamed ElBaradei also said Mahmoud would likely soon begin chewing close to his femoral artery - the puncturing of which medical experts described as the point of no return in the start of ElBaradei's bleeding to death.
However, the head of the IAEA was reluctant to dismiss hopes of a diplomatic solution.
ElBaradei spoke during an emergency meeting of concerned paramedics and local animal shelter workers a gathering that focused on Mahmoud's refusal to heed ElBaradei's demands that Mahmoud should freeze activities that could serve to transmit the rabies virus or possibly cause the IAEA chief to exsanguinate.
Earlier, Mahmoud's savage snarls asserted that he would never suspend the enthusiastic gnawing of El Baradei's extremities — the key issue of paramedic concern, while animal control insisted Mahmoud had no choice but to do so, in comments reflecting the increasingly tense stalemate over the issue.
Even while calling for a negotiated solution, animal control workers — which Mahmoud had snapped at several times between bites of his ElBaradei's calf — have refused to dismiss outright the possibility that they might "just shoot the damn dog" if he refused to back down on limb-shredding and other areas of concern.
But ElBaradei described any use of force as "an act of madness ... (that) would not resolve the issue."
"The next few minutes will be crucial to these negotiations," he said, adding: "although Mahmoud appears to be insane and quite eager to take my life, I believe that we should also consider the possibility that this is merely a peaceful display of affection."
ElBaradei then passed out in a pool of his own blood, while Mahmoud lunged for his jugular. Digusted animal control workers quickly blew Mahmoud's head off, putting an end to the crisis.
Animal rights organizations were quick to condemn the action, suggesting that a UN resolution declaring Mahmoud a "bad dog" would have been just as effective.
Time to Face the Facts About Ron Paul
Some people seem to be fervently for Ron Paul, but maybe this will finally convince them away from him...
That's right; photographic evidence that Ron Paul is in fact a villainous pirate. He doesn't seem so Jeffersonian now, does he?
I Have an Idea...
Since Mexico is kinda like a third world country and seem to believe in crazy things like the chupacabra -- an alien being that sucks the blood out of goats -- maybe we can spread rumors to scare people from sneaking into America illegally. And we'll have to get the rumors out there while they're still in their home country, because once they get here they'll see our TV they'll become too smart to believe silly things.
Let's start the rumor of the chupamexicano -- the Mexican sucker. It live in America and sucks the blood of illegal Mexicans, and it especially likes the blood if there is alcohol in it.
MEXICAN 1: "I'm going to sneak into America and steal their jobs."
That was just an example conversation that could be a result of this propaganda effort; Mexican 1's name could be "Jose" instead of "Pedro."
Humor and Politicians
Have you seen the Hillary Clinton Sopranos spoof? Now I enjoy hating Hillary Clinton as much as the next conservative, but there was some effective use of humor in a political campaign. Subconsciously, we set the humor bar very low for politicians, because we're used to them being too cramped in by their talking points to be capable of much humor ("America's health care crisis is no laughing matter."). Thus, we'll reward them with laughter for merely venturing out of their comfort zone to make a joke.
With Hillary, you have someone considered cold and impersonal to a large segment of the population, so she particularly has a lot to gain through using humor. With this video, she slightly makes fun of herself (which is good for someone with her image) and makes her seem like a regular person (the wooden line reading actually helps with that; she just seems like a regular person having fun with a joke). Also, it's actually "edgy," parodying a popular subject that hasn't already been satirized to death (of course, the joke will be lost on the few people who aren't aware of the Sopranos controversy, but that's always the trade off with that sort of humor). Because it's so surprising, it's getting wide airplay and free publicity. I really don't see a downside to it. I've seen some conservatives over-analyzing it and wondering if it's proper for her to associate herself with the mob or a TV show with such adult content, but no one other than someone who already really hates Clinton is going to pick it to death like that. To the average person, its just going to be funny and, through using a reference they know, make them subconsciously feel more connected to Hillary Clinton. It's a big win for her and I would hope whoever thought of doing this gets a big raise.
For politicians, there's a lot of be gained by just a little bit of humor, which is why I'm surprised we don't see more serious attempts at it. This is why I should be a political consultant for the Republican Party focusing on humor. After the 2006 elections and the recent immigration bill fiasco, they're seen as completely disconnected from their base. They should try some humor for an attempt at outreach. Maybe, with a bit of effort, they can have a video go viral. It's not going to magically make Republicans cool again, but it will help.
I could go on about this sort of thing forever -- the advantages, disadvantages, possible pitfalls, etc. of humor (and why, as cool as it would be, I don't think Fred Thompson should publicly acknowledge the Fred Thompson Facts) -- but the point is that humor is an important branch of cognitive science that could be of great use for humanizing politicians and getting issues focused on if used correctly. Sometime I think I'm the only one who takes humor seriously.
June 19, 2007
Michelle Malkin debuts her new site design. I guess its moving towards more of a Hot Air type design. Hot Air is perhaps my favorite blog in layout, but for some reason this new design looks too busy. I guess the pictures Hot Air puts with the headlines helps a lot.
Maybe I should redesign IMAO, like maybe paint flames on the side so it loads faster...
More Ron Paul Fun
Ron Paul is awesome; I can't get enough Ron Paul.
I should mention that John Hawkins recently had a column, The Conservative Case Against Ron Paul, which was great. Here are the e-mails he had from Ron Paul's supporters trying to convince him of his folly.
What's a good name for Ron Paul supporters? Ronulans? Pauloons?
At Some Point, You Just Might as Well Sleep in on a Sunday
With there now being an Episcopalian priest who is also a Muslim (as predicted by Scrappleface) after they already made someone openly gay a Bishop, one has to ask what exactly what would Episcopalian bishops find as a disqualifying factor to be in their clergy? Would they make unapologetic murders and rapists priests? Blasphemers of the Holy Spirit? Do they have a screening process for being a priest, or is there just a card anyone who visits an Episcopal church can fill out and be made a priest (plus be entered in a drawing to be a bishop)?
I'm just asking because I don't know.
If you haven't heard by now, the new Rammussen poll says the GOP front runner is...
Just kidding. He has somewhere under 1%, but Fred Thompson has topped Giuliani for the first time in a national poll. Considering that Fred Thompson still hasn't announced and Fred Thompson awareness isn't quite at a 100% (despite my efforts to put the facts out there), I expect his poll numbers to continue to rise until he even wins as a write in candidate in Belgium.
My super-awesome Fred Thompson shirt ships in just a couple days, so make sure to order one to help inform your fellow citizens of the awesomeness of Fred Thompson. I'm also working on a Ron Paul shirt which will strap the sleeves down on the front of it.
The Last Hope for Hilarity
Another possibility is that Ron Paul supporters spend all day scanning all blogs looking for a chance to spew their thoughts of Ron Paul greatness that builds up inside them until they feel like they're about to burst. This is not to say they think of nothing but Ron Paul; by their comments they also care about how the government caused 9/11 (though I thought Ron Paul said we made the terrorists attack us... which doesn't make any sense if we attacked ourselves) and the problem of the Jews and minorities.
The last most disturbing explanation of how apoplectic Ron Paul supporters seem to appear out of nowhere is that they are amongst us as we speak. Right next to you could be a Ron Paul supporter just waiting to be awoken like a sleeper agent. If this is true, your best bet is to try and lure them out. Every so often say, "Ron Paul is a nutter," and, if anyone around you says anything other than "Yes" or "Who's Ron Paul?", kill him and burn his body.
I'll end this dire warning with a fun exercise. Let's all try to come up with effusive praise of Ron Paul that matches statements of him being the last hope for America. Here's my attempt:
"Ron Paul is the only man who can get the international hot dog eating title back from the foreigners."
Try your own in the comments.
Save Our Endangered Terrorists!
An Editorial By Harvey
Recently, the Humane Society of the United States protested the 21st Annual Star Island Yacht Club Shark Tournament. The HSUS - a fanatical animal rights organization - was incensed that sharks - which have declined in population by over 80% in the last 50 years - were being festively slaughtered for sport.
Their point being, I suppose, that it's unconscionable to kill vicious, flesh-eating predators if you have fun while doing it.
I have a hard time disagreeing. I mean, why would you NOT want more bloodthirsty, savage, aquatic killing-machines patrolling our coastal waters? Would YOU want to live in a world where it's perfectly safe to swim, surf, and scuba dive near the shorelines of a heavily populated area? I know *I* wouldn't! If nothing else, it helps keep the riff-raff & trailer trash off the beaches. I get enough of those visual atrocities at Wal-Mart, thank you very much!
Yet it seems to me that the HSUS is being elitist, if not downright speciesist, when it comes to choosing which spillers of innocent blood they fight to protect. It's common knowledge that the most dangerous predator on Earth is MAN. Specifically Chuck Norris and Fred Thompson, but other humans have been known to pose a threat on occasion, too.
"if HSUS can fight for the rights of an animal that smells like a Red Lobster dumpster in August, why can't it fight for an animal that likes to blow up women and children?"
Lately, the biggest non-Chuck-non-Fred threat to human life has been Islamic terrorists. Why isn't the HSUS doing something to protect them? Not a day goes by that the headlines don't splash the horrific death toll of our precious dwindling terrorist resources. Granted, five or ten splattered Hadjis may not sound like a big loss, but that constant trickle of corpses adds up. Coddling Allah's Islamic Radicals (CAIR) estimates that over 100,000 terrorists have been lost since 9/11, and their remaining numbers keep spiraling downward.
I find this repugnant.
A species is a species and endangered is endangered. Sure, terrorists lack the grandeur of the elephant or the cuddly, photogenic appeal of a Panda bear. And yes, they smell bad, oppress women, and plot the global genocide of all non-Muslims. Hey, they can't ALL be baby Harp Seals! But if HSUS can fight for the rights of an animal that smells like a Red Lobster dumpster in August, why can't it fight for an animal that likes to blow up women and children? At least it's a MAMMAL for cryin' out loud!
The fact is, if we don't stop the insane slaughter of our dangerously fanatical - yet charmingly quirky - Muslim brethren, soon there won't be a single terrorist left alive on earth! I can't imagine the shame of trying to explain to my grandchildren that - because I did nothing - he can only see filthy, butchering Jihadists in picture books or Guantanamo.
Well, if HSUS is going to drop the ball on this one, *I* certainly won't! It's time to get organized! Call your congressman! Call the President! Speak out in whatever forum is available to you! Worst case, start one of web-blob thingies! If you're a hot chick, post naked pictures of yourself on your MySpace page in protest. Or just send them directly to me. Whichever. It doesn't matter, as long as you make your voice heard!
If we don't do something now, there will soon come a day when crazed Islamofascists are just a faded memory, never again to grace our planet with their murderous majesty.
And I can't think of anything more tragic.
Harvey is a non-disabled Navy veteran accidentally hired to fill an affirmative action quota at IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as "Red Lobster: Genocidal Hate Criminals" and "Nude Photography for Righteously Indignant Hot Chicks".
June 18, 2007
Was Ron Paul Behind 9/11?
I notice some Ron Paul supporters think the reason we make fun of Ron Paul is because we're threatened of his extreme political relevance. Of course, I tease chimps at the zoo, but that doesn't mean I'm contemplating voting for them.
Then again, I am threatened by the possibility of monkeys doing some sort of political takeover... while I don't fear any such thing with Ron Paul.
Ron Paul Proposes That America Hide Under Giant Rock
GOP Presidential candidate Ron Paul spoke earlier today of the need for a stricter isolationist policy. "America needs to stop interfering with other countries. In fact, we need to stop interacting with any foreign nation. As long as America has made eye contact with any foreigner, we can hardly blame them to attack us on our own soil. Still, even if we were to finally cease all contact with other countries, the mere existence of America is provocative and could cause us to be invaded or attacked. Thus, I propose the most time-tested method of disengagement: Hiding under a rock. For complete security, America must hide its very existence. Of course, there is no rock on earth large enough for America to hide under, so, when I am President, I will fund the building of a Star Trek type tractor beam to pull the moon towards us and crash into America. I project half the country will be killed -- and they shall be mourned -- but the other half will finally be safe living under the giant rock that is the moon." Ron Paul concluded his speech by wearing his pants on his head while dancing a merry jig to the applause of the three supporters and eight mannequins in attendance.
A recent Gallup poll found that 100% (+/- 0%) are against crashing the moon into America, but online polling has approval of Ron Paul's plan at 64%.
Fun Facts About John Edwards
Harvey, you should do a daily John Edwards sissy fact to counter Frank's Fred Thompson fact!
Which is harder than it sounds
Thompson facts are entertaining because Fred is powerful enough to make the impossible happen
Sadly, this concept doesn't work in reverse.
When Edwards applies his super-wussy powers and makes... well, NOTHING happen, it's just not as entertaining.
Still, I enjoy a challenge, so I came up with a starter list about Edwards. After reading, you can help me decide if this project is worth pursuing:
* John Edwards rejected the campaign slogan "America's First Gay President" in favor of "America's First Woman President".
* In the original version of Snow White, the Evil Queen's mirror answered "John Edwards".
* The reason John Edwards' haircut cost $400? Renting the tungsten carbide tipped jackhammer to break through the hairspray.
* John Edwards uses a Year-at-a-Glance calendar so that he doesn't have to ask for help turning those heavy pages every month.
* John Edwards has no idea what the underside of a toilet seat looks like.
* John Edwards would lose a game of tic-tac-toe while playing x's and given a three-move head start, so as not to damage his opponent's self-esteem.
* John Edwards still carries the scar from where a dandelion seed once fell on him.
* John Edwards went swimming in the ocean and got beaten up by plankton.
* If John Edwards visited the Empire State Building, the island would soon become known as Girlhattan.
* A single drop of John Edwards' blood contains enough estrogen to reverse menopause.
* During a campaign stop at a school for the blind, John Edwards tried reading Braille for a photo-op and broke his finger.
* When John Edwards plays with a Ken doll, it's anatomically correct.
* The vacuum of space is not the absence of matter, it's the overflow from John Edwards' absence of manhood.
* The #1 Google return for a search for "John Edwards"? The Stayfree home page.
* John Edwards is the only person who actually looks MORE macho while riding a Segway.
* John Edwards once failed a high school math test because he hugged the buttons on his calculator instead of punching them.
* John Edwards hates the Easter Bunny because the eggs he leaves are never the same shade of pink as his lip gloss.
* All his papers are signed "Mister John Edwards" so that he can dot the "i" with a heart.
* Teddy bears can't sleep at night unless they're cuddling John Edwards.
* Surveys show that 70% of US children under the age of six believe in both Santa Claus and the Tooth Edwards.
So... daily feature or failed concept?
Maybe Instead of Warnings, They Should Try Death Threats
I don't really get the point of the Surgeon General's warning on cigarette packs since everyone already knows cigarettes are unhealthy and that doesn't seem to be stopping anyone. In other countries, they even make the warning take up most of the pack, but no one seems to care. I think the Surgeon General might as well have some fun and put some more interesting warnings on those cancer sticks.
FRANK SUGGESTIONS FOR SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNINGS
June 17, 2007
June 16, 2007
It All Makes Sense Now
John Edwards has accused the Republican candidates of being too hawkish, saying he thinks "they want to be George Bush on steroids".
Personally, I think Edwards is Bush on steroids.
Which would explain the testicular shrinkage.
June 15, 2007
I Had This Great Idea for a Comic...
By day, Jack Johnson is a mild-mannered reporter. By night, he's the new media crusader Blogger X!
I pitched it to Marvel, but they told me it was a boring stupid idea and they beat me. One of them spit on me.
I guess I'll try pitching it to DC.
Reconsidering Illegal Immigration
Just as Batman needs to go outside the law to deliver justice, Bruce Wayne sometimes needs to go outside of legal hiring practices to get his lawn maintained cheaply.
The immigration bill should be reaching Congress again soon, and maybe it's time we conservatives think about embracing it. We have a source of cheap labor that lives under the law, so why not take advantage of it? And the great thing about undocumented labor is that you don't have to pay them at all; you can just murder them and throw their bodies in the river when they finish the job.
Maybe it's time we stop trying to fight the flood of illegal immigration and embrace the truth most Democrats already know: Mexicans are fun to beat.
Harry Reid while speaking to our wacky friends form the left side of the blogosphere called Gen. Pace and Gen. Petraeus "incompetent" which seems like an odd judgment from the stellar human being Reid is. It made me think: What are some things to call Senator Reid?
THINGS TO CALL HARRY REID
That was fun! Why don't you pick a politician and do your own list in the comments.
And be honorable about it, ronin.
I should not the funniest thing about this story is how the muckadoos started sreeching that Reid never said such things. Apparently, they forgot he had said it. Throw them in jail like Scooter Libby!
America's 2007 Corn Crop a "Failure", Top Democrats Tell Bush
WASHINGTON (AP) - Top US congressional Democrats bluntly told President George W. Bush Wednesday that American farmers' spring planting "surge" policy was a failure.
Senate Majority leader Harry Reid and House of Representatives Speaker Nancy Pelosi challenged the president over this year's corn crop by sending him a letter, ahead of a White House meeting later on Wednesday.
"As many had forseen [sic], the springtime planting of seed corn has failed to produce the intended results," the two leaders wrote.
"The increase in seeds in the ground has yet to produce a single edible ear of corn so far this year.
"Far from fulfilling its promise of putting steaming, buttery ears on every table, this crazy planting scheme has done nothing so far but cost this country's farmers most of last year's profits, as well as causing them to spend all their time coddling these high-maintenance vegetables.
"Clearing the land, plowing, weeding, fertilizing, irrigating, spreading pesticides and herbicides - not to mention the over 1000 farmers that have lost their lives in unnecessary tractor deaths so far this year - when will the madness end?
"And what do we have to show for it? It's already mid-June and not a single plant has borne fruit. In fact, if these trends continue, it's safe to predict a nation-wide corn famine that will bring this country to its knees."
The letter appeared to preview a fresh showdown over how to raise corn between ignorantly citified Democrats and the President, just a few weeks after Bush forced his foes to strip pre-autumn harvest timelines from a Department of Agriculture budget bill.
Pelosi and Reid told Bush in the letter that they planned to send him new legislation to "limit the attempted growth of corn in the US, begin the phased redeployment of US farmland, and bring the growing season to a responsible end."
The next critical point in the showdown between Bush and Congress over the 2007 corn crop is expected in September, when US Secretary of Agriculture Mike Johanns is due to report on progress in the strategy to let the corn grow until at least October before attempting to harvest it.
However, one senior Republican speaking on condition of anonymity said he expected the president will have little choice but to make adjustments in the harvest schedule, once the report is made public.
"I know Bush means well," he said, "but let's be realistic. Since the spring planting 'surge' began, not one single corn farmer has grown anything but leaves."
"I can't see how another four or five months of continuing to follow this failed policy will lead to anything but more of the same," he concluded.
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
To protect their e-mails, Fred Thompson's staffers use TES (Thompson Encryption Standard). It's a block cipher with the added protection that, if someone other than the intended recipient tries to read the message, Fred Thompson rips off the eavesdropper's leg and beats him with it.
June 14, 2007
Fred Thompson Facts Site
Reader Sir Andrew of GOPedia has made a website to collect all the Fred Thompson facts. He's also set it up to collect user submitted Fred Thompson facts (since I'm too busy for such things).
Frank Advice for Dealing with Bloggers
It's been that the GOP now has tips for Republican politicians when dealing with bloggers. I never understand why they write this stuff without talking with me first. Anyway, here are some really good tips for dealing with bloggers I know from experience:
FRANK TIPS FOR REPUBLICAN POLITICIANS DEALING WITH BLOGGERS
* Don't make sudden movements; this could startle bloggers and cause them post about how you're over-hyped.
* An easy way to gain the trust of bloggers is to cat-blog, i.e., post pictures of cats. If you don't own a cat because you're a heterosexual male, just pretend you own one and grab some pictures from CatsThatLookLikeHitler.com.
* If having a meet and greet with bloggers, make sure to have it at night; bloggers are scared of sunlight.
* If while at a campaign event you smell something odd, vaguely familiar, but extremely disturbing but you can't quite put finger on exactly what it is, that means a blogger from the DailyKos is there. Be careful; they bite!
* Be friendly with the top bloggers, but don't let Glenn Reynolds near your puppy if he looks thirsty.
* Any time news breaks, first thing to do is to turn to the blogs so you know what the reactionaries are thinking.
* You can use YouTube to help get your message out, but considering what get the most views there it will help if you exercise some mad dance skills while giving your speech... or at least hit someone in the groin in a hilarious manner.
* Though it may seem like an economically sound plan, never mention the idea of replacing right wing bloggers with underpaid Mexicans.
* Though bloggers may seem different from you and your politician friends, you should at least be able to relate because of your shared inflated sense of self-importance.
(hat tip Conservative Grapevine)
I Have This Idea...
We put cameras throughout the Capitol Building and lock Congress inside it. They now all have to live inside the Capitol, try and get along, and then pass laws with no idea what's going on outside the building.
Nah, I guess that isn't too different from C-Span.
Using Their Crazy Against Them
When we are fighting an enemy who only wants to kill us because of their crazy beliefs, shouldn't we use those crazy beliefs against them?
Well, yes, that is what this is about, and I'm going to keep repeating it until people listen!
Yes, I know, I get called a "heartless conservative" every time I bring this up since I don't respect other cultures and I laugh when poor people get hurt (it's funny because they don't have health insurance), but it's completely ludicrous we should have respect for the beliefs of those trying to kill us. If the same beliefs they use to justify trying to kill us also have something about pigs and damnation, shouldn't we go for it? That's why we should make it public knowledge that any terrorists we kill will get fed to pigs.
Some are going to worry that will offend the good Muslims, but shouldn't the good Muslims have disowned the terrorists and be demanding we feed them to pigs for dragging the good name of their faith through the mud?
Others are going to worry about the health risks of grinding up people and feeding them to pigs. The simple solution to that is to have Mexicans do it. That's what they're here for: to do the jobs we don't want to do.
That last concern I can think of is that how can we be sure everyone killed on the battlefield deserves the eternal damnation or whatever they'll get from being fed to pigs. I have a little secret about that: God doesn't actually care if your dead body gets ate by pigs or whatever; that's just a silly belief they made up.
If we're serious about a war on terror, than let's use what's available -- including their own idiotic beliefs. One of these days someone needs to read the Qu'ran and see if there's anything else useful in there.
Fred Thompson "On Board" With Edwards' "Marshall Corps"
RICHMOND (AP) - In response to John Edwards' plan to "create a 'Marshall Corps' modelled on the military Reserves, of up to 10,000 expert professionals who will help stabilize weak societies," presidential candidate-in-waiting Fred Thompson released a statement saying that he's "on board" with Edwards' vision.
Excited by the possibilities of the program, former Senator Thompson said that he'd like see the concept taken to the next level as soon as possible. The full statement was posted at the politician-turned-actor-turning-politician's blog, as follows:
"I am completely on board with John Edwards' 'Marshall Corps' idea of sending bankers, political scientists, and civil engineers into unstable countries to prevent terrorism from taking root. However, I don't think it goes far enough. It should be open to members of ALL civilian occupations, not just a few."
"Here's how I picture it - after joining, the courageous volunteers would shave their heads, spend a few months receiving combat & weapons training, then be deployed to unstable countries to reach out to those who are at risk of seduction by violent extremism. For maximum effectiveness, this reaching out should be done mostly with bullets, grenades, rockets, and other high-velocity/high-explosive projectiles."
"I would call this expanded version of Edwards' 'Marshall Corps' the 'Massively Armed Response to Islamic Nutjob Extremists' or 'MARINE' Corps."
"If this program proved successful - which I have no doubt that it would - it could be augmented with:
* An off-shore outreach program: Nautical Assaults from Vengeful Yankees
* A complementary land-based group: Annihilating Radical Muslims - Yippee!
* And even a 'friendly skies' organization: Attacking Islamic Radicals by Firing Ordnance and Repeatedly Causing Extermination"
"I can guarantee that if these programs are implemented as I've discussed, the Western ideals of peace, democracy, and civilization will be joyously embraced throughout the world."
"And if they aren't... well, then let's just say there's plenty more outreach where that came from."
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Scientists theorize that Fred Thompson is composed of a super-dense element called "Thompsonium." It's highly unstable and has a half-life of 0.4 nanoseconds -- which is still more than enough time for it to kick your ass.
June 13, 2007
Let's Reflect for a Moment on How Awesome America Is
According to this report from FoxNews.com, it looks like Asia is on the way to becoming one big sausage fest. Sometimes it seems like the entire world is completely screwed up except for the U.S. of A. We may have many problems of our own, but it's good to take some time to reflect on how awesome America is:
ADVANTAGES AMERICA HAS OVER ALL OTHER COUNTRIES
* We're the richest.
* We're the smartest (we have the smartest people that is; I don't give a rat ass what our average test scores are as long as we still get the cream of the crop).
* We're the freest (freedom of speech -- we invented the internet -- freedom of self-defense, economic freedom, etc.).
* Our military can easily defeat any other military out there.
* We're the most diverse.
* We respect women's rights.
* We're still serious enough a people to kill criminals who need a kill'n.
* We have the best TV shows and movies.
* Despite our wealth, we have lots of yummy cheap food (yay 99 cent menus!).
* Despite all our technological progress, we still have some of the best natural beauty in our national parks.
* We just generally kick ass.
* I live here.
What are your favorite awesome things about America?
Who Hasn't Dreamed of Rolling Up a Newspaper and Hitting a Senator on the Head?
Now, I'm not familiar with Senate rules, but can someone make it his job to yell at the Senators anytime they stray from border security to amnesty?
SENATOR: We need to welcome our undocumented citizens and...
He may need to physically strike some of the Senators, so he'll have to check the Senate rules on that. If whoever reads the rules says that's not allowed, he may have to physically strike that guy too.
I've always said politics could use more hitting.
Enunciating Sunbats of the Iraqiwood Right
With all the annoyance caused by the barking moonbats of the Hollywood left protesting the war (or even worse - doing their version of "supporting the troops"), I sometimes wonder if the terrorists have this problem.
I have this mental image of freshly-bathed, cleanly-shaven men dressed in business suits & shiny shoes, carrying neatly-lettered signs while standing out of the way of both automobile and pedestrian traffic. I can just imagine what slogans they would use to undermine terrorist morale...
* The Koran says that Muslims can't lick Bush!
* No blood for Sharia!
* We support our terrorists when they blow up their Imams!
* War is unhealthy for children and other living things that the Prophet Mohammed had sex with!
* Bush is a terrorist - and much better at it than you!
* What if they held a war and nobody came? The insurgency STILL wouldn't stand a chance, that's what!
* Cowardly tools of Iran! Why are you licking Ahmadinejad's boots? Tastes great, or less filling?
* Suicide bombing is stupid! Americans can make munitions faster than we can make babies!
* The insurgency's plan:
* America sees more from a satellite than Allah can protect from Heaven!
* Peace now!
* Better to live in Guantanamo than die in an airstrike!
* Either learn to say "I surrender!" in English or "I've been hit!" in Arabic!
* Car-bombing citizens to win popular support is like screwing for virginity!
* Iraq today: Bush's Vietnam
Wonder what the sunbat version of Daily Kos would be like?
June 12, 2007
I Was Thinking...
You know how if you have a bug infestation, you evacuate the area and use a bug bomb? I was thinking we should come up with something like a bug bomb but for Islamic radicals. Then I realized we have that already and its just called a "bomb."
We should use that.
It's Like Finding a Use for the Crud in Your Drain
Here's my idea: If we don't like a country, we send our military to blow it to hell. Then we leave and we tell the U.N. to establish a democracy there or peacekeep or whatever.
I know what you're thinking. "Won't the U.N. do a horrible job... or nothing at all?"
Probably, but here's the thing: We'll just not care. The point is that, when people ask whether we're going to help a country rebuild after we attacked it, we say we sent the U.N. That sounds responsible, and thus we avoid criticism.
So what happens when the U.N. fails and the country we attacked because even more volatile a threat? It's simple: We blow it to hell again. You can't overestimate how great our military is at blowing crap up. As long as we keep our military focused solely on blowing lots of crap up, it will be smooth sailing for us in foreign affairs. And once other countries understand that, maybe they'll try and establish peaceful governments without our help out of fear of us getting bored and blowing them to hell. Then the U.N. become more of an association of countries trying all they can not to get mauled by the U.S. That sounds more useful than... whatever it is it's supposed to be doing now.
Overrated Superheroes: Wolverine
One of the biggest problems facing society today is children today is idolizing overrated superheroes. We can't have our next generation aspiring to be like any loser. That's why I'm disheartened to see who are some of the superheroes popular with kids these days. Arguably one of the most overrated superheroes is Wolverine.
I guess, if the earth is invaded, the X-Men who can shoot lasers out his eyes, control the weather, and rip things apart with telekinesis will fight the aliens, and Wolverine can carve a turkey for when they get back.
Yeah, I know he also has his "healing factor" allowing him to quickly recover from any wound, but he kinda needs that since, being his only other power is the stupid knives, he's going to get injured a lot. A lot. I mean constantly. He'd be the shortest lived superhero without it. Wolverine gets beat up so much, he wears the bright yellow costume so at least he won't be involved hunting accidents as well.
The guy is a loser. If your kids think he's cool, you should beat them.
After a recent frightening incident wherein a deranged German man grabbed the back of the Popemobile, Vatican police officials plan to have the vehicle modified to provide greater protection for His Holiness.
In additioin to extra security features, the new Popemobile will also be provided with an array of other upgrades:
* 17-inch "collection plate" style spinners.
* Hands-free Popephone for use when Commissioner Gordon lights the Popesignal.
* New PA system will include "beatbox" setting.
* Feral Australian Kid to retrieve dropped shotgun shells.
* Can now transform into Popetimus Prime.
* Air conditioned glove compartment to keep spare Pope hat refreshingly cool.
* The big car makers are trying to keep this a secret, but it gets 100 mpg and runs on holy water!
* GPS system pre-programmed with locations of all the best pizza joints.
* Red Bull & Vodka - pre-mixed & on tap!
* "This ride pimped by God" bumper sticker.
* Rebel-flag roof & "Dixie" horn.
* Won't start? No problem! It's got drop-down "Flintstone Floorboards" for emergency take-offs.
* "BNDCT16" vanity plates.
* Engine timing precision-adjusted to make "Chitty-Chitty-Bang-Bang" sounds.
* Brass Bumpernuts
* Silver naked chick mud flaps.
* Rear window sticker of Calvin peeing on a mosque.
By the way, after the upgrades are finished, all new converts to Catholicism will be given a coupon for a free ride.
I'm thinking it might be worth it.
June 11, 2007
It often seems like our military gets stuck in a certain way of thinking, which was why I thought it was great to hear the Pentagon considered making a gay bomb. It takes some real outside the box thinking to say at a brainstorming session, "How about instead of killing the enemy, we make them gay?"
I'm not saying it's a great idea, I'm just saying it's a new idea. People have been killing each other in war for eons, but they haven't been making each other gay. Of course, the main defense is to already have a really gay military making them effectively immune to the gay bomb, but not everyone is going to think ahead like that. Also, if Tom Tancredo wants to sound even more extreme, he can threaten that, if there's another terrorist attack, he will gay bomb Mecca. Tell me the enemy won't pay attention to that threat.
Threatening to nuke the enemy is tired; it would be nice to be able to threaten to make them gay.
...not that there's anything wrong with that.
(hat tip Conservative Grapevine)
IMAO as an Information Source
Over the weekend, the original facts I researched about Fred Thompson were the number ten Google hit for "Fred Thompson", thus putting me on the first results page. I'm now back down to number thirteen, though. Hopefully it will get back up there, because I like it that when people search for useful information they come to IMAO. It gets me a warm feeling inside and angry e-mails about how I wasted someone's time (and the angry e-mail is time well spent?).
What's an important fact you first learned from IMAO?
President Bush Has Been the Most Effective President Ever
An Editorial by Frank J.
Remember right after 9/11 how jumpy we were with each fire and explosion that was reported on the news. We knew that is was an inevitable that the terrorists would strike again and the only question was when and how. Yes, more than five and a half years later, there has been no terrorists attacks on U.S. soil. Some will point to other terrorist attacks abroad, but that even more emphasizes the point that, while terrorists are still effective in other, smaller countries, they have been unable to do another attack in the huge target that is the U.S. -- even when, as many argue, terrorists hate us more than ever. So, what's changed since that first attack?
"How do you improve on 'no terrorism'? Are you going to get the terrorist to come over here and bake us yummy cakes?"* We're in numerous messy wars with no end in sight.
* We have an odd and incoherent homeland security.
* Our border situation is out of control.
* The President is hugely unpopular.
Obviously, the only conclusion is that these are the ingredients to an effective defense against terrorism.
Some may mock that conclusion, saying that President Bush's action have contributed to the risk of terrorism and that it's pure luck America hasn't been attacked again. That's an idiotic conclusion, though. President Bush has been batting a thousand in the area of terrorism and we have no idea how many curve balls he has been thrown. To argue that it's luck is like arguing that Mount Rushmore is a natural geological occurrence. The only logical conclusion is that President Bush has purposely orchestrated a effective strategy against terrorism that none of us has the wisdom to understand.
Yes, it seems counter-intuitive, and many "terrorism experts" will argue that much of what President Bush has accomplished -- such as the border problems -- has increased the risk of terrorism, but ask yourself this: Who is the only actual terrorism expert? Who is the only one with experience of effectively stopping terrorism on U.S. soil? No one other than President Bush fits that description; everyone else is just a blow hard on that issue. If anyone, Democrat or Republican, says he can be more effective in fighting terror, ask him, "How do you improve on 'no terrorism'? Are you going to get the terrorist to come over here and bake us yummy cakes?" We currently have a so far a flawless stratagem against terrorism, and anyone who argues to change it is arguing suicide. If a Presidential candidate says, "I will end the war and unite the public behind me," he might as well add, "and get us all killed by terrorists."
It's popular to be against the President right now, but if you think the most important job of the federal government is national security (because, without that, we have nothing) then you can't argue anything other than President Bush has been one hundred percent effective in office since 9/11. You may not like the policies or like him, but, unless an attack succeeds on our soil, you have to say that what he has done has worked despite your objections. I still don't like President Bush, though, but I don't think he wants me to like him... and he obviously knows what he's doing.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as "Mustaches and Muttonchops: A Ranking of U.S. Presidents Based on Facial Hair" and "1000 Uses for a Dead Terrorist: A Rainy Day Fun Book".
Compact Fluorescent Light Bulbs FAQ
Compact fluorescent light bulbs are increasing in popularity. SarahK is adamant about us not using them for medical and religious reasons, but Glenn Reynolds of Instapundit has been a big proponent of them (he keeps track of readers who have converted their lighting on his site's sidebar). Since he's not one to jump on the bandwagon of environmental causes, I figured there must be something else afoot if one who drinks blended puppy suddenly has an interest in light bulbs. Here's what I found out put into an easy to read FAQ format:
COMPACT FLUORESCENT LIGHT BULBS FAQ
Q. Why would I want to replace my incandescent light bulbs with compact fluorescent light bulbs?
A. A CFL uses only one-fifth to one-fourth the energy of an incandescent bulb which saves money and reduces greenhouse gas emissions. Also, CFLs last up to fifteen times as long as incandescent bulbs.
A. A CFL turns electricity much more efficiently into light than an incandescent bulb which wastes 90% of the electricity in consumes in the form of heat. Also, instead of drawing all its power from electricity, a CFL also draws some of its power from Satan (check the packaging of the bulb for the specific percentage).
Q. Is it true that a CFL will dim over time?
A. CFLs may dim before reaching the end of their lifespan. Also, repeated exposure to the effects of a CFL will eventually erodes one's soul, causing everything to look dimmer despite no change in actual light output.
Q. Are there special environmental concerns in disposing of CFLs?
A. Since CFLs contain mercury, special disposal procedures should be followed. Also, if a CFL breaks, a certain amount of evil will be released into the world. Remains should not be handled until the area is cleaned by the EPA and exorsized by a priest.
Q. Is the light from a CFL the same as that of an incandescent bulb?
A. A CFL emits light on a different wavelength than an incandescent bulb. While the light is similar, some describe it as slightly "unnatural" or "evil." All the effects of the wavelength haven't been fully classified, and some say that if you stare directly into the bulb, you'll get glimpses of another dimension filled with beings of unimaginable horror and that to fully realize them would cause madness. Thus, staring at a CFL is not recommended.
Q. Can the light from a CFL cause seizures?
A. There is evidence of increased seizure risk, but it should be noted that CFLs thrive on human suffering and watching you fall into a epileptic fit will increase the CFL's efficacy.
Q. Ever since installing CFLs in my home, I've felt cold even though the thermostat notes no difference in temperature. Why is that?
A. Since CFLs waste less energy as heat, the area directly around a CFL may not feel as warm as you may have been acquainted to. Also, most theologians agree that God will not dwell where the light of a CFL shines. This separation from the love of the Almighty is often described as a vague feeling of "coldness." Intense depression may follow.
Q. After using CFLs, I tend to have horrible dreams. I can't remember what happens in them, but I wake up in a cold sweat and have an odd sense of dread for the rest of the day. I've begun to fear sleeping. Is this normal?
Q. I think I heard voices coming from my CFL urging me to kill my family. Have I gone insane?
A. No. Sometimes demons will use a CFL as a way to open a path of communication between their dark dimension and our own. Since they prey on man when he is weak, make sure to stay away from all CFLs if you're feeling particularly mentally vulnerable.
Q. I have this feeling that my prayers are ineffective when a CFL is shining on me. Why is that?
A. While some say its blasphemous to put a limit to God's power, many still believe that the wavelength emitted by a CFL effectively corrupts one's prayers and keeps God from hearing them. It is recommended you turn off all CFLs in your household before trying to communicate with a benevolent higher power. It should be noted, though, that your prayers will most likely be in vain since purchasing a CFL may be viewed as a tacit agreement with Satan.
Paris Hilton - Still Paris, Only More So
HuffPo's Jennifer Kushell has written one of those quaint, bleeding-heart wish-pieces titled "Ten Good Things Paris Hilton Can Do In Prison".
Sadly, though, we all know Paris isn't going to change, so I think it'd be more appropriate to speculate on the
TEN STUPID THINGS PARIS HILTON WILL DO AFTER SHE GETS OUT OF PRISON
1) Put her newly-perfected shank-wielding skills to good use during a knife fight with Lindsay Lohan.
2) Lose a fortune trying to sell her new line of designer orange jumpsuits.
3) Adopt a baby with her new "special friend" Joquanda "Fisty" Jackson.
4) Start bragging about the tunnel she made behind the Raquel Welch poster in her cell.
5) Get kicked out of Victoria's Secret for trying to pay for her purchases with cigarettes.
6) Embarrass herself at the Cabana Club by continually yelling "Shakin' the bush, boss!" from the ladies' room.
7) Launch a new perfume called "Cavity Search".
8) Get matching "P-A-R-I-S" tattooed across fingers of her right hand.
9) Reject slave name and finish process of legally becoming "Paris X".
10) Realize how many doors have become closed to her as an ex-con, say "screw it", and embark on a multi-state armed robbery spree that ends with her getting taken down in a hail of bullets on national TV.
I'm sorta rooting for that last one, but then again, I also really dread the thought of Jennifer Kushell's "Ten Wonderful Things We'll Miss About Paris Hilton" post.
June 10, 2007
With all the slipshod, panicky press coverage about the Andrew Speaker's disease-riddled world travelling, there's been a lot of conflicting stories about what the health threat actually is & why you should care.
As a public service, I present the following:
Q. What is tuberculosis?
Q. I thought TB had been eradicated?
Q. Why was TB not eradicated?
Q. Can TB really help combat the Mexican Menace?
Q. What are the symptoms of TB?
Q. But Andrew Speaker was white! How did HE get TB?
Q. Should I get tested for TB?
Q. How is TB diagnosed?
Q. Why are poor people more vulnerable to TB?
Q. I'm not poor, Mexican, or Irish, but I have TB. Why?
June 09, 2007
Perhaps We Need to Increase 1911 Awareness
I see it all the time in movies and TV and even recently saw it in a comic book (The Watchmen -- not a light afternoon read); people draw a 1911 and then cock it (the novel Cryptonomicon even had someone removing the safety and then chambering a round on a 1911 which I won't even get into how ridiculous that sequence that is). As I understand, you should never have the hammer down on a 1911 with a round in the chamber. Also, decocking a 1911 is awkward and should probably never be done with a round in the chamber (I have to use two hands to do it; one to hold down the grip safety and squeeze the trigger and the other to thumb the hammer). You either carry the 1911 with no round in the chamber or you carry with it cocked and safety engaged (and you can only engage the safety if the gun is cocked). Or you leave it at home.
Am I wrong?
Obama Warns of "Quiet Riot" Among Blacks
HAMPTON, Va. (AP) -- Democratic presidential hopeful Barack Obama said Tuesday that the Bush administration has done nothing to defuse a "Quiet Riot" among blacks that threatens to erupt just as riots in Los Angeles did 15 years ago.
The first-term Illinois senator said that with black people from New Orleans and the Gulf Coast still displaced 20 months after Hurricane Katrina, frustration and resentments are building explosively as they did before the 1992 riots, prompting Obama to give the following fiery speech:
"Those 'Quiet Riots' that take place every day are born from the same place as the destruction in New Orleans. We look around that once-fair city and see the rusted-out hulks of cars everywhere. The 'Metal Health' of New Orleans is in a sorry state. We are tempted to abandon you, New Orleans, yet we 'Don't Wanna Let You Go'."
"We love that city, but thanks to Bush's neglect, we've discovered that 'Love's a Bitch'. We are left 'Breathless' with sorrow, anger, and frustration at the unfairness of it all. Bush does nothing but drive through in his 'Slick Black Cadillac' for a cheap political photo-op with the downtrodden residents. People with no jobs, no homes, and nothing to comfort them except maybe a cheap bottle of 'Thunderbird'. People who had to 'Run for Cover' when Katrina made the city a 'Danger Zone'. And Bush did nothing for us. He ignored us because we remained silent."
"But no more! We must scream and shout and pound out our anger so that the very earth itself trembles, and we can say to Bush all the way in Washington, 'Cum On Feel the Noize'! We must rise up as one and become a veritable 'Battle Axe' of protest! The time for calm discussion has passed. Let's get our message out by any means necessary! 'Let's Get Crazy'!"
"This is your last chance, President Bush. We'd prefer peaceable means, but if we have to 'Bang Your Head', we will."
[NOTE: explanatory linkage for the 80's-impaired]
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Fred Thompson doesn't believe in myths such as Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, and extraterrestrials -- and he knows their existence is myths since he killed them all with his bare hands. Also, he knows for a fact that Elvis is dead since he strangled him in a shopping mall in 1987.
June 08, 2007
Frank Criticisms of President Bush
No one likes President Bush anymore, and it seems to be popular for conservatives to criticize him. So here I go:
FRANK CRITICISMS OF PRESIDENT BUSH
* He's getting a little fat.
* His last name is too easily used for sexual innuendo.
* I'm betting he's secretly a Mexican.
* While spending $400 on a haircut is excessive, it's okay to spend more than $4.
* Why is Hugo Chavez still alive? Is President Bush too big of a sissy to assassinate foreign leaders?
* Those Scotty dogs he has look ridiculous.
* His front lawn could use better maintenance.
What don't you like about President Bush?
And the IMAO 2007 Commenter of the Year Award Goes To...
Yeah, it's a ripoff of Time Magazine's 2006 Person of the Year Award, but you can still use it to pad out the "Awards" section of your resume.
That, and I just wanted to thank the folks who daily brave the terrors of IMAO's slow-loading templates to leave comments.
Even though I don't respond to them all - or any of them, really - I read all the ones you leave on my posts and they are greatly appreciated. Especially when you guys beat down trolls so that *I* don't have to. A real time-saver, that.
Anyway, thanks for making me laugh and feel appreciated.
Clinton: Marriage Saved by Faith, Power Lust
WASHINGTON (AP) - In a rare public discussion of her husband's infidelity, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton said Monday that she probably could not have gotten through her marital troubles without relying on her faith in God and her insatiable lust for power.
Clinton stood by her decision to stay in the marriage in the aftermath of former President Clinton's admission that he had an affair, as she considered it God's will as well as a path to becoming the most powerful woman on earth.
"I am very grateful that I had a grounding in faith that gave me the courage and the strength to do what I thought was right, regardless of what the world thought," Clinton said during a forum where the three leading Democratic presidential candidates talked about faith and values. "And as president, my position of unquestioned authority will allow me to continue ignoring the world's opinion. I can't wait!" she gloated.
"I'm not sure I would have gotten through it without my faith," she said in response to a question about how she dealt with the infidelity. "The fact that it locked in the 'cuckolded wives vote' didn't hurt, either," she chuckled darkly.
Clinton said she's "been tested in ways that are both publicly known and those that are not so well known or not known at all." She said it's those times when her personal faith, the prayers of others, and knowing enough political dirt to make Congress her bitch have sustained her.
"At those moments in time when you are tested, it is absolutely essential that you be grounded in your faith," she said. "It also helps to be willing to throw anyone under the bus if it'll get you one step closer to having your hand on the Bible in January of 2009."
Also during the forum, moderator Soledad O'Brien asked candidate John Edwards to name the biggest sin he ever committed, and he won the audience's applause when he said he would have a hard time naming only one thing.
"As a former personal injury lawyer, I've borne more false witness than a semi full of OJ trial transcripts. I'm totally going to hell," Edwards said.
"Still," he mused, "unlike Hillary, there are SOME things I won't do in my quest for the Presidency. Like that time Hillary shot a campaign-worker as an example to the others. It's vicious ruthlessness like that - and religious faith - that's making her the Democratic front-runner for 2008."
Edwards also said he doesn't feel his belief in evolution is inconsistent with his belief in Christ and he doesn't personally feel gays should be married, although as president he wouldn't impose his belief system on the rest of the country.
"I have a deep and abiding love for my Lord, Jesus Christ," Edwards said, "but I don't have Hillary's despotic thirst for total domination. I only wish I had her raw, Stalinesque passion for forcing people to cower before her iron-fisted authoritarianism."
Presidential hopeful Barack Obama said he believes that the terrorist attacks on Sept. 11, 2001, were the result of evil. But he said that the United States' treatment of prisoners at Abu Ghraib and Guantanamo Bay is unjust.
"The danger of using good verses evil in the context of war is that it may lead us to be not as critical as we should about our own actions," Obama said to applause. "So basically I'm a pants-wetting Nancy-boy who can't even give murdering terrorists the level of condemnation that Jesus gave the moneychangers."
"My faith," continued Obama, "is weaker than a tubercular kitten, as is my determination to become President. It's a job for which I obviously lack the stones. Now Hillary, on the other hand... she TOTALLY wears her ovaries on the outside, if you know what I mean."
"Big BRASS ovaries," Obama said enviously, "and strong religious faith."
Clinton acknowledged that talking about her religious beliefs doesn't come naturally to her.
"I take my faith very seriously and very personally," she said, "but not as personally as disloyalty or failing to avert your gaze when I enter a room."
"And I come from a tradition that is perhaps a little too suspicious of people who wear their faith on their sleeves," Clinton continued, the flames of hell dancing merrily in her eyes, "but the future slave-citizens of the United States of Hillary better damn well wear their unquestioning obedience on their sleeves."
"There will be," Clinton said, "plenty of walls, blindfolds, and last cigarettes for those who don't."
"For that," she added, "I thank God every day."
June 07, 2007
Will the Bill Die So the Republicans Can Live?
A cloture vote on the immigration bill wasn't even close to passing, and John Hawkins says he's heard from inside sources that that was the beginning of the end for the bill. If so, then maybe the Republican Party is trying to listen to Republican voters for a change.
So, the question is: What will rise from the ashes of the dead bill?
With a combination of them now trying to listening to what we say and how they seem to misinterpret our motives for opposing the bill, the Republican Party will probably propose a new bill that calls for a death squad to search out and kill anyone suspected of being Mexican. That bill will also be a disaster. I suggest that you call your Senators and tell them in clear language -- as one would explain something to a two year old -- that we want some sort of border security. Our preference is, strangely enough, a border that anyone can't just run over willy nilly. Tell them that we actually love hard working immigrants of all kind and that we also like the rule of law -- and that those two things actually aren't mutually exclusive if you think long and hard about it.
It could be a long phone call. Maybe some sort of YouTube video with puppets might explain things better.
Ding dong. It's dead.
John Hawkins has an exclusive, behind the scenes look at how the bill was killed including what in the world was going through the heads of the Republicans who supported it.
Maybe They Should Shift Their Paradigm
This seems like the millionth story about crazy and violent protesters getting worked up about a G8 summit, and I just realized that the only thing I know about G8 summits is that they're like flypaper for incoherent protesters. I have no idea what they don't like about G8 summits. I don't even know what a G8 summit is. What's the 'G' stand for? Why are there eight of them?
Here's what the protesters need to do. Next G8 summit, don't protest. If no protesters turned out for a G8 summit, that would be huge news. Everyone would be like, "The only thing I know about G8 summits is that protesters protest them, but now there are no protesters! My world is turned upside down! I don't know what to think!" Reporters would then seek out the usual protesters wondering what happened, and then they could finally get their story out... as long as a few of them learned how to string words together in coherent sentences.
Maybe one of them could explain what a G8 summit is. Is it anything like E3? Those are cool.
Bush Says "Russia Ain't Got the Balls To Attack Europe"
HEILIGENDAMM, Germany (AP) — After a torrent of sharp exchanges, President Bush continued his diplomatic efforts with Vladimir Putin on Wednesday by saying Russia "ain't got the balls to attack Europe", despite a threat to aim missiles at the West.
"Russia is not going to attack Europe," the president said, brushing off Putin's warning that he would reposition Russian rockets in retaliation for an American-devised missile shield to be based in Poland and the Czech Republic. "That feeble collection of bushy-browed vodka-swillers doesn't have the sack for a fight."
"Russia is not an enemy," Bush emphasized, "at least not one of any consequence or manhood.
"There needs to be no military response because we're not at war with Russia," Bush added. "Besides, it'd be like smacking around a Girl Scout troop."
A day before meeting privately with Putin here, Bush appeared eager to put an end to the bickering over everything from criticism about Russia's backslide on democracy to Putin's complaints about U.S.-backed independence for Kosovo and a supposed new arms race triggered by Washington.
"There will be disagreements, probably every month or so when the girls in Moscow are ridin' the red pony" the president said, relaxing in the sun during an interview with a handful of reporters before the annual summit of major industrialized countries. "That's just the way life works. But that doesn't necessarily mean that I won't personally bitch-slap that nutless Cossack Putin if he keeps mouthin' off."
Asked if he expected a tense session with Putin, Bush said, "Could be — I don't think so, though. I'll work to see that it's not a tense meeting. Maybe I'll give that little sissy some dolls to play with. That should keep Susie-Pu hushed up."
The Russians projected a similar air, albeit one awash in the estrogen of their femininity.
Putin spokesman Dmitri Peskov said open hostility is "part of a constructive relationship", promising "uncomfortable consequences" if the shield is deployed, and adding "we give ourselves the right to expect our partners to listen to our concerns."
Bush, tieless and with his shirt sleeves rolled up, rolled his eyes impatiently. "Sounds like Ball-less Boris has been watching too much Lifetime," he said dismissively. "Maybe those pansy hermaphrodites should stop by Poland and borrow a cup of testosterone."
In the interview, Bush offered his case for why Russia should not worry about a U.S. missile shield in Europe.
"Russia has got an inventory that could overpower any missile defense system," he said, "if they could shuck off their ballet tights long enough to push the launch button."
"The practicality is that this is aimed at a country like Iran," Bush explained, "since if they ended up with a nuclear weapon they might actually have the cojones to use it."
Told that Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad had said it was too late to stop Iran's nuclear program, Bush responded: "Well, the guy's got stones, but not a lot of smarts. Paper beats rock, and a nuclear weapon beats a nuclear program. Guess Einsteinejad can't do the math."
A day after accusing Russia of backsliding on by putting major news media under state control, stripping governors of their independence and cracking down on nongovernment civic groups, Bush took pains to emphasize the positive.
"Society has advanced a long way from the old Soviet era," he said. "There is a growing middle class, there is prosperity, there's elections."
"Sadly, though," Bush concluded, "there's also fewer testicles than Lance Armstrong."
It's Like Someone Hacked into My Blog and Wrote a Great Post
A Barbara Ehrenreich at HuffPo argues that, instead of fining illegal immigrants, we should pay them. She then sums up illegal immigration thusly:
If someone breaks into my property for the purpose of trashing and looting, I would be hell-bent on restitution. But if they break in for the purpose of cleaning it -- scrubbing the bathroom, mowing the lawn -- then, in my way of thinking anyway, the debt goes in the other direction.
So illegal immigration is like someone breaking into your house to clean it. Yes, you come home, you are shocked to find the door open, but once you get inside all you can find is the living room vacuumed and -- as far as you can tell -- nothing is stolen. And the kids seem fine. How could anyone have any other feeling in that situation than gratitude?
Lets try and come up with some even more disturbing metaphors for illegal immigration.
ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION IS LIKE...
...someone stole your baby right out of her stroller, and after twenty minutes of frantically searching for her, you find her back in her stroller with her diaper changed.
...someone messed with your food while you weren't looking and afterwards its strangely delicious.
...you're savagely beaten in an alley, and it fixes your bum knee.
...someone robs you at gunpoint in front of your crying wife and kids. The next day, you get a letter saying an account as been opened in your name with your money invested in a hot mutual fund.
...someone breaks into your home and puts a hidden camera in your shower. He then uses it to leave you an anonymous letter saying you have a mole that you should get checked.
...someone raped your wife, and then she gives birth to a genius.
...you're suddenly pulled into a van and a hood is thrown over your head. No one says a word to you no matter how much you scream, "Who are you? Why are you doing this to me?" Eventually, you feel yourself being pulled from the van, ushered through a tight hallway, and then thrown to the floor. When you finally get your hood off, you find you're in a small, dimly-lit cell with no windows. Once a day, you're given bread and water through a slot on the metal door... or at least you think once a day. You've lost all track of time. Weeks go by of you wallowing in complete isolation until finally the door opens. There stands a masked man pointing a gun at you. At last! Sweet death! you think to yourself. When the gun fires, you feel a sting in your shoulder and turn to see your were shot with a tranquilizer dart. Everything goes black. After a dreamless sleep, your eyes open to see you're lying on the doorstep of your own home. Though every muscle in your body aches, you struggle to your feet and enter your home for what seems like the first time in years. You stumble inside, and it's as you remember. You can hardly believe it; the nightmare is finally over. Before you collapse to the floor crying, you notice some papers on the kitchen table. At first, the papers look like an odd mix of numbers and letters that your addled mind can't make sense of. Slowly, you begin to comprehend the truth: the people who kidnapped you -- who robbed you of your sanity and your humanity -- did your taxes.
Who wouldn't be grateful in these situations?
June 06, 2007
Finally a Place to Send Those Funds You Are No Longer Giving to the RNC
Fred Thompson has raised $220,000 in 18 hours (his campaign site only launched yesterday). I put a money raising widget on the right sidebar. Maybe if he raises enough money, he can hire me as a humor advisor for his campaign. Politicians needed a smarter application of humor, and only I understand the science of humor to tell them how.
They know how to contact me.
(hat tip Conservative Grapevine)
Neighbor in Trouble
It used to be that people lived in small towns where everyone knew everyone. You had trouble, you had the whole town to turn to. Nowadays, people are more mobile and less neighborly, but we have our digital community to turn to. If I have trouble, I know I can turn to the blogosphere for support and advice.
In that spirit, I should mention that Danny Carlton (Jack Lewis) and his family are in quite a spot. Their children have a rare congenital disorder, so they were lucky when his wife was able to get a job with a national company with health insurance. What happened later, though, was her boss made advances to her and was rebuffed. He later charged her with sexual harassment and then got her fired without any evidence (it would sound too awful to be true if it weren't for experience). Because sexual harassment is considered gross misconduct, they can't even COBRA their insurance and their children are in constant need of medical attention.
To be honest, I was planning on rattling the tin cup soon, but Danny Carlton and his family needs it a ton more. If you have any way to help them, please do. We're a community.
Frank Debate Questions Suggestions
I watched a bit of the Republican primary debate (the lovely and talented SarahK blogged it here), and it was pretty boring. I think I have some ideas for questions that would make it a lot more entertaining. They may not go directly to the issues, but I think they'll help us learn a lot about the candidates as people.
REPUBLICAN PRIMARY DEBATE QUESTIONS
* If you had to pick a minority group you like the least, which one would it be?
* What are your theories on what's happening on Lost?
* Should gays be allowed in the military? Should straights be allowed in figure skating?
* For this next round, you can only speak using song titles.
* If you had to choose a country in Europe to declare war against, which one and why?
* Who wants a hug?
* Close your eyes and see if you can name all the other candidates on stage. I bet you can't!
* Would you leave nukes on the table in our dealings with the moon?
* I'm going to read a list of names and I want you to raise your hand if you'd hit that.
* Would you support torture against terrorists? How about e-mail spammers?
* Now commences the brick round. You each get one brick you can throw at another candidate.
* Any of you know where to score some blow?
* Prove you're not an alien impostor!
* Is our nation prepared for a ninja attack or is our kung fu weak?
* If King Kong were unavailable, who would you put in his place to fight Godzilla?
* We can all agree this is pretty pointless without Fred Thompson, right?
I should mention that one of those was in the questions I sent to Tom Tancredo that he didn't answer.
Get Your Fred On
New Fred Thompson shirts from ThoseShirts.com!
Look how awesome it is! You must have one!
I came up with the slogan, and Doug from ThoseShirts.com came up with the design. He also has a "I'm with Fred" shirt that goes well with Fred Thompson's new campaign site and a "Better Fred than Dead" shirt.
Anyway, make sure you get a Fred Thompson shirt now to show everyone you support his candidacy. Otherwise, people might think you're still on the fence and waiting for Chuck Hagel to enter the race.
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Scientist predict that the giant BOOM! that will occur when Fred Thompson officially enters the race will not only be heard worldwide, but will also be heard in other galaxies and possibly cause their stars to explode.
June 05, 2007
The Bestest Entertainment News Ever Since Scrubs Got Renewed
So's your face. HaHA. Preemptive strike.
HERE IS THE SUPER-AWESOME MOTHER-OF-ALL-FANTASTICKEST OF FANTASTIC-SUPERTASTIC NEWS!
Can you handle it?
I'm not sure you can.
Take a deep breath kids. Maybe I should put it below the fold. No, I'll wait till the end of the post.
The other thing is that Frank is painting our bedroom right now. The color is vanilla ice cream. No lie. We'll see how that turns out.
Ok. Are y'all ready? Prepare yourselves. Alright. Bravo is doing a reality show called...
Hey Paula. Starring Pauler Abdul. It's about her life. And includes her dogs. She has five Chihuahuas! Tulip, of course, and also one named Chomps! This is too good to be true. June 28th. We will be tuning in, peeps. For you. We do it for you. Join us. We will be blogging it, baby.
The race to be Fred's running mate
First of all, I didn't wanna watch. Frank is making me. I'm doing financial stuff, so to be watching political debate on top of personal and business accounting crap is not my idea of a fun evening. But I'm having too much fun with it, to be honest, and I have too much to say. Every time anyone says something stupid (McCain on amnesty, Giuliani on murdering babies), I have something to talk about. Every time they ask a stupid question that makes me ask, "Now why in the world are they asking that question? Why do I need to know that about a man who's running for president?" I've got something to spew. So I figured I might as well share and stop talking over everyone so Frank can just read it at his leisure (or never read it, as is his custom) instead of my talking over everyone so he can't hear the TV and we have to keep rewinding the DVR.
Now we came in late, because Fred's not even in this thing, so who cares? Fred's the next president, and every time he speaks, my heart for him just grows sweeter and sweeter. Why do I care what these guys have to say? I trust Fred's judgment in picking a running mate. Plus, he's gonna be on that show where they just yell over each other later anyway, and we're Tivoing that bad-boy. Of course, who will be stupid enough to yell over Fred? Even H&C aren't that dumb. Or desperate to die.
So here are my thoughts since we started watching:
McCain: It's amnesty, English should be our first language, and did you say that Mexicans should speak Spanish in their own communities just like the Native Americans? Yeah, that's fine. If you wanna round 'em up and put 'em in reservations like the Native Americans. I'm sure they'll love it just as much as the Indians do. Arriba!
Giuliani: Every time that electronic buzz thing happens? That's God saying you are NOT going to run HIS country. Sorry, bud. Better luck never.
Evolution questions: Seriously? Our next president needs to believe the same way I believe on creation vs. evolution? Heck, my own husband doesn't even believe the same way I believe on that subject. And I have sex with that man. I have NO intentions of having sex with Fred. Nor his running mate. Though I've gotta say, this loony creationist Christian sure does like that Mike Huckabee a lot better now. Not for sex, just for president. So maybe you should ask more questions like this. You're right! Who cares about the war? Forget taxes! Forget spending! Forget that pesky terrorism issue. Let's talk about evolution and whether Paris Hilton should be allowed to keep her hair extensions in jail!
Brownback: Dude, what's with the squinting? This is something I want to know about a potential vice president. You're too Renee Zellwegger for me. Off with your head! Not literally, of course.
Romney: I was half expecting, after he said all the things he believed in, that he would say, "I believe in The Book of Mormon." But he didn't. And then he DID say, "I'm not gonna distance myself from my religion."
ManBearPig: I LOVE that God keeps cutting out Giuliani's mic. I am giggling every time. Is this topic ever going to be over? Hey, that Sam's Choice tropical trail mix that you buy at Walmart is my very favorite trail mix ever. Haha, Romney just said Putin. His name always makes me laugh. Hey guys, in the '70s, they said we were all gonna freeze to death, so don't worry. This global warming is just making up for that Ice Age. We're just evening things out now. It's ok. Our livingroom looks so awesome. Oh no. They're gonna let Ron Paul speak again. He's a big bag of crazy. Welcome, oh ye Ron Paul googlers! Go back to your crazy land, shake hands with the leprechauns, and go to sleep. He'll never EVER be president. Your breath is wasted yelling at me. (That's called a preemptive strike, also called passing the time until the ManBearPig topic is oooooover.) Yay! A new question! No! Paul again!
Gays in the military and don't ask don't tell: Why don't you let the military (below commander in chief) make policy. Like maybe... people closer to the ground. I say fine, if gay people wanna go kill terrorists, woohoo, go kill terrorists, ooh-rah! But I'm not in the military, and I have no idea what kind of complications that causes. Like in the barracks. They have separate men's barracks and women's barracks, right? And isn't the main purpose of that (for practical reasons, let's be adults) to keep them from having sex all the time, which would be disruptive and cause all kinds of problems? So if they start having open homosexuality all over the military, and you've got gay men in barracks with gay men, isn't that going to be disruptive? Giuliani: time of war or not, boot camp, training, I think it would be disruptive. So I actually kinda think don't ask don't tell is pretty good. But again, I've never been in the military. There you go, McCain, there's your soundbite. But what's your answer? I hate soundbite answers. Anyway, I kinda think that if I were in the military, I'd rather not know if the girls in my unit were lusting after me (I mean, come on, look at me, why wouldn't they?). Because I would so obsess on that. Because then it'd be like a guy being in your barracks (no, I didn't just say that lesbians are guys, shut up with your twisting of my words), and you know he's secretly watching you undress every night, and meanwhile, you've got your man waiting for you back stateside, and would he just quit looking at you? So I wouldn't wanna know.
Tommy Thompson is annoying me more with every answer.
Brownback: I'm a cruel woman for saying this, and I am in no way saying that this guy is a creepy alleged child molester, but he kinda looks like JMK, that guy who said he killed JBR (the dead girl whose dad is dating that other missing probably dead girl's mom). And actually, I don't think Clinton (Bill) has been that bad as an ex-pres. Carter, on the other hand, has been most likely the worst president ever and the worst ex-president ever. Yeah, I said it.
Tancredo: Are they keeping him at the kiddie table? That's the first time they let him talk? He looks mad. Also, I agree. I'd tell Bush to stay away from my house. I'm not a racist, and he's not my friend anymore.
Huckabee talks like a pastor or preacher (the hand motions are correct).
Duncan Hunter: Would pardon Ramos and Compean. I'm ok with considering him as Thompson's running mate.
The Scooter Libby thing: I was surprised that more people didn't come out and say yes right away. Considering the ridiculous sentence, all that "not without looking at the transcript" nonsense. We all know what it was about. Make a decision, yes or no.
At halftime: McCain and Giuliani don't look any better to me than they already did. Huckabee and Hunter looked fine when I saw them. I like Hunter's answers for sure. I've known all along that I'd like to see him run with Fred so Romney is fine I guess but nothing special.
Well, anyway, we screwed up trying to do something special on the Tivo and lost the townhall portion of the debate. I was enjoying snarking it. Not American Idol fun, mind you. Whatever. Fred.
If I Ran the Campaign
Fred Thompson will be on Hannity & Colmes after the Republican debate that's going on as I type. My suggestion for what he should say:
"It was a great debate, but there's one thing I can say that none of those candidates can..."
He turns to face the camera and it zooms for a close up.
"I'm Fred Thompson."
Freight Train Fred! (Thompson)
As you may have heard, Fred Thompson has already climbed to second place in the latest polling. I'm going to make a political prediction and say that, when Fred Thompson enters race, people will soon realize that, if they don't vote for him, they could quite possibly die. Within two weeks he'll be polling 100%. The Republicans will then just give him the nomination without even holding a election since an election implies the possibility that they would give the nomination to someone else -- a grave insult to Fred Thompson. Then, to shake off bad publicity from the immigration bill, the Republicans will rename themselves the "Thompson Party."
Man, I hope I get invited to the Thompson Party Convention so I can cheer along with all the other excited Thompsonicans!
Blowing Up JFK - An American Dream Denied
An Editorial By Harvey
Like most Americans, accused terrorist mastermind Russell Defreitas had a dream.
In fact, his life was a series of dreams. Several of them fulfilled, one of them cruelly denied.
He left Guyana 30 years ago, seeking a dream of a better life in the US, which he realized. Then, he realized his dream of becoming a citizen of his new country. And after getting a job at JFK Airport as a cargo handler, he realized - as most working Americans eventually do - that his dream sucked. So he got a new dream.
Blowing up JFK Airport.
Sure, it's probably not YOUR dream, and it's definitely not mine since it contains neither cheerleaders nor Reddi-Wip, but does that really matter? Does our Constitution not say that "all dreams are created equal"? Are they not therefore all equally deserving of respect and admiration?
"I'll bet that if Mr. Defreitas had snuck into the US illegally, Bush would've given him government grants and all the explosives he wanted, just like he did for all the Mexicans!"
And what of Russell's motivation? He said that one reason for doing this was that he "wanted to do something to get those bastards". Who among us has NOT gone to work at one time or another thinking just that very thing? True, most people limit themselves to passive-aggressive pranks like unplugging someone's mouse or putting Ex-Lax in the coffee, but - magnitude aside - we can ALL relate, right?
The fact is, Russell was a visionary ahead of his time. The seeds of his ambitious plan to wreak deadly havoc on innocent civilians actually sprouted several years before the 9/11 attacks. One can just imagine his frustration on that September morning, realizing that his goal of grabbing world attention had been overshadowed by 19 people who had done it first and done it better.
But did he give up? Did he just sigh and mope and say "I'll never be as good as those lucky Saudis"?
He did what any good American would do. He cranked it up a notch! He dared to dream bigger! Bolder! Blow-uppier! He vowed to create a terrorist attack that would make 9/11 look like a damp firecracker!
He envisioned a plan to destroy not just an few planes, but terminal buildings, fuel tanks, and miles of fuel pipeline.
His lofty ambition, however, was not without its share of equally lofty obstacles to overcome.
He needed help bringing his project to fruition. Sadly, thanks to the depradations of George Bush's Crusade on Islam, the Al Qaeda members he tried to contact were either too busy or too dead to provide him with the assistance he needed. Still, his pluck and determination would not allow his hope to die. So, in the best MacGuyver-like tradition of Yankee ingenuity, he managed to make do with what he could find - some wide-eyed idealists from Trinidad. Yes, Russell had indeed taken lemons and made lemonade.
Things were looking up for this eager beaver. He even won the admiration of the FBI, who described Russell and his crew as "a very determined group". It's such determination which built this nation, so why shouldn't it destroy it, too?
Unfortunately, Russell's dreams were crushed under the jack-booted heel of President Bush, who had known about the project for months. I can't believe the thoughtlessness of this man! Why didn't he say something right away instead of teasing the poor guy and stringing him along like that? Even worse was Bush's complete lack of support for this plan. I mean, Russell played by the rules in coming to this country and he actually became a citizen. I'll bet that if Mr. Defreitas had snuck into the US illegally, Bush would've given him government grants and all the explosives he wanted, just like he did for all the Mexicans!
My theory is that, since the target was JFK airport, Bush couldn't stand the thought of competing for attention with headlines about a president who makes him feel inferior! Too bad Russell didn't plan to take out the Hoover Dam!
I think it's tragic that in Bush's America, Russell couldn't get the help or explosives he needed to reach his goal. More good American terrorist jobs go overseas, and our President does nothing!
Most of all, though, it makes me ashamed to live in a country where chasing your dreams is no longer considered a laudable objective. When Joey Chestnut broke the world hot dog eating record, he got a year's supply of hot dogs and a $250 gift card to the mall. But all Russell Defreitas got for trying to set a record for killing people in a domestic terrorist attack was the short end of the stick.
Shame on you, George Bush, you dirty dreamstealer.
Shame on you.
Harvey is a non-disabled Navy veteran accidentally hired to fill an affirmative action quota at IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as ""Baseball, Hot Dogs, Apple Pie, and Exploded Pipelines: What America Means to Me"" and "Terrorists in Trinidad: A Shopper's Guide".
Every once in a while, you come to an uncomfortable truth. The courageous man doesn't run from it and instead admits it. In that spirit, I must now say that, if forced to vote for a Democratic candidate, I would choose Hillary Clinton.
It pains me to even types. Hillary Clinton used to be the antithesis of everything I stood for back during the 90's. Still, if I'm honest, she's the only serious (or approaching serious) candidate of the Democrat front runners. Obama is... well... nothing. He's like they just went outside and said to some guy, "Hey, kid; you got a nice smile. Want to be president?" He'd be a complete roll of the dice to the known evil that is Hillary. And, of course, Edwards is a prissy little girl in a man's body. To clarify, I don't think he's gay as he's still at the stage where he thinks boys are "icky." We have rough men out killing the enemy as we speak; they've been through a lot, and they don't deserve a preening sissy as their leader.
So, if I had to choose one as president, I'd pick Hillary Clinton. Luckily I don't have to choose one, and none of you can make me.
Anyway, current polls finally have Obama getting competitive with Hillary, while Edwards is far behind (and also behind Gore if he's in the race).
June 04, 2007
Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band - Where Are They Now?
40 years later, the original members of Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band have moved on with their lives, but a surprising number of them have started their own Sgt. Pepper franchises and continue to play. Next time you're at Amazon.com, be sure to check out these albums:
* Sgt. Pepper's Truth Is, I'm Just Afraid of Commitment Club Band
* Sgt. Pepper's Creepy MySpace Stalker Club Band
* Sgt. Pepper's Vodka, Red Bull, Roofies & Viagra Club Band
* Sgt. Pepper's eHarmony.com Rejects Club Band
* Sgt. Pepper's Only Wearing Women's Underwear for Comfort Reasons, So Don't Judge Me Club Band
* Sgt. Pepper's Got the Clap From Paris Hilton Club Band
* Sgt. Pepper's Doin' My Sister Club Band (Alabama Chapter)
* Sgt. Pepper's Street Corner Squeegee Guy Club Band
* Sgt. Pepper's Moved to Wisconsin and Became a Cannibal Club Band (Featuring Jeffy Dahmer on drums)
* Sgt. Pepper's Too Busy Protesting the War to Play in a Band Club Band
* Sgt. Pepper's Just Glad to Not Have to Put Up With Yoko Ono's Crap Anymore Club Band
* Sgt. Pepper's Shirtless Yelling Guy on COPS Club Band
* Sgt. Pepper's Still Living in My Mother's Basement Club Band
* Sgt. Pepper's Proudly Listing "IMAO Blogger" on My Resume Club Band
For the record, that last one is NOT Frank J.
He's with Sgt. Pepper's Fred Thompson '08 Club Band.
Liberals Start to Realize the Troops Don't Like Their Support
Kevin Drum, perhaps the most thoughtful of the liberal bloggers, urges Democrats into not fooling themselves that the troops appreciate the "support" of Democrats trying to force them to surrender. Of course, one of the commenters, on admitting Drum may have a point that "Support the troops by bringing them home!" is a hollow slogan, then refers to the troops who like their mission as "brainwashed babies." Yeah, you tell that to a Marine to his face.
We will also, sadly, see veterans involved in this. Aside from the PTSD they will come home to a world that isn't very understanding. How could we be? They've been in hell. I suspect that some of them will be attracted to the rightwing militia (or worse) unless the government makes some very aggressive moves to help these people out and provide every kind of counselling and support they can think of. The last thing we need are hardened Iraq veterans finding solace with the rightwing terrorists.
So, there's a possibility of what will happen if a Democrat win the presidency: he or she will realize that running away from Iraq will actually be an untenable position and will try and get the Democratty base behind it by saying, "As long as the troops are over in Iraq, they won't use their civilian killing skills on us!"
Could you imagine what an outbreak of violence against the Kwazy Kos Kids would be like? These are people whose current favorite is John Edwards, a prissy little girl trapped in a man's body. What kind of bed-wetter could actually vote for that guy? The battle cry as we charged these people might as well be, "The streets will run yellow with their urine!"
Don't worry, though, Kos Kids, the troops and people like me have much bigger concerns than violence against goobers who spend twenty hours a day in front of their computer in their parent's basement. Unlike you, we actually recognize there are terrorists out to kill us.
When their dead, then we'll come for you.
I Should Be the Amanda Marcotte of the Fred Thompson Campaign
As the entry of Fred Thompson into the race looms over us like the Incredible Hulk's giant stone spaceship about ready to make impact with the earth (I've been reading too many comic books lately), I was thinking that he'll need a campaign blogger -- his own special envoy to the blogosphere. I don't know how campaigns choose such a person (apparently John Edwards just put every swear word into Google and picked the owner of the first site that came up), but it should obviously be me. No one has put more research into this candidate as my growing list of facts can attest. Also, many bloggers would be mindless sycophants to Fred Thompson and pretend he could do no wrong, but Fred Thompson can be assured that the only reason I am so enthusiastic about his candidacy is that my extremely critical eye has found nothing about him that isn't super awesome.
Still, I admit there are risks to the Fred Thompson campaign despite how super duper qualified and smart I am. I've written some controversial things in the past; it was all satire, so hopefully no one would be dumb enough to try and tar the Fred Thompson campaign with them. That said, I do have some real controversial viewpoints, and rather than letting his campaign get surprised later, I'm going to just go ahead and list every outside of the mainstream view I have:
MY CONTROVERSIAL VIEWS
* I'm against legal immigration but for illegal immigration.
* I think America is the greatest nation on the earth other than Paraguay.
* Know what I can't stand? People who don't adore telemarketers.
* I'm against having a war for oil, but I'm all for a war for corn ethanol.
* I think it's okay for kids to do drugs because they have more time for their brains to grow back.
* I have no desire to convert to Islam, but I'm kinda curious to try sharia law.
* I can't quite put my finger on why, but I really hate white people.
* I think our gun laws are too strict in not allowing a convicted felon to carry a firearm and also believe our laws are too lenient in allowing non-felons to have them.
* I say the coconut flavored jelly bean is the best jelly bean, and I would consider violence against anyone who disagrees.
* I have this sneaking suspicion that absolutely everyone other than me is gay... and I'm okay with it.
* I think that the third Godfather movie was so much better than the first two that it's not even funny.
* I believe that children are our past.
* I think Jesus's ideas were fine for back in His time, but they don't apply to us now because we're more used to sinning.
* Terrorists hate us for our freedom -- and maybe they have a point.
* I'm really more of a C.S.I. guy than a Law & Order one.
Well, that's it. I assure you most people have even worse views but, unlike me, are too cowardly to admit to them. I should be awarded for my courage.
Man, I hope I get the campaign blogger job. Then everyone will point at me and say, "Wow! That's that guy vaguely associated with Fred Thompson! I wish I were him!"
Everyone wishes they were me.
Thoughts on the Debate I Didn't Watch Last Night
Do they broadcast the Democrat's primary debate to our troops overseas? If they do, it has to hurt their morale to see a bunch of preening sissies debate over who will be the next commander in chief. It's like watching a bunch of kittens bat around a ball of yarn as a contest of who gets to lead the lions' pride.
I think I'm leaning towards Hillary, though. If she scares me, then maybe she also scares the enemy.
June 03, 2007
June 02, 2007
More Apologies, Please
Recently, the Alabama's Governor Bob Riley signed a resolution apologizing for slavery.
Of course, my first reaction was "That's retarded! The slave-owners responsible are just as dead as the slaves who were victimized. No one alive has the moral authority to apologize, and no one alive has the moral authority to accept."
On the other hand, perhaps I should be more open-minded and accepting of the concept of collective racial guilt. With that in mind, here's a list of things that I think black people should apologize for:
* MC Hammer's pants
* Words ending in "izzle".
* Except "drizzle". That one's actually useful.
* OJ, but just the post-football career stuff.
* Tawana Brawley
* That thing Eddie Murphy said about my mom.
* I know he was just kidding, but that was HARSH!
* Using the name of a delicious chocolate sandwich cookie as a derogatory epithet.
* Every Spike Lee movie.
* "Who Let the Dogs Out".
* Circling your fist in the air while going "WOO! WOO! WOO!"
* Seriously, guys, how hard is it to just clap your hands? I thought you people had rhythm.
I'd like to get an apology for Michael Jackson, too, but he did most of his bad stuff after he became white, so I guess *I* need to apologize on that one.
June 01, 2007
Frank Advice on RNC Telemarketing
Mary Katharine (Superstar!) Ham has a transcript of a phone call her friend got from the RNC asking for donations. It makes it easy to see why the Republican Party is losing donations now. I think they can raise money just fine, though; the telemarketers just have to be smart about what to say to the Republicans they call:
RNC: Hi. This is the Republican National Committee calling to get your donations to help fight evil and the Democrats.
Callee: I'm not giving you guys any money. You support illegal immigrants and call me a dumb racist for complaining.
RNC: That's not true at all. Where are you getting such ideas?
RNC: (laughs) Blogs? You can't trust those. They're all written by drugged out pedophiles.
RNC: Yes. Every single one.
Callee: Well... it still seems like the Republican Party doesn't even like Republican voters anymore. You ignore our concerns and make fun of us.
RNC: That's not us. The ones supporting illegal immigration and insulting you are the Republicons -- spelled with an 'o'. They're the ones that hate Republican voters. We're the Republicans -- spelled with an 'a'. We still like Republican voters. The Republicons are out to deceive you about us, though.
Callee: Like the Decepticons!
RNC: Um... yes, exactly like that. So that's why to stop the... um... Decepticons, you have to give money to us, the... um...
RNC: Yes. Now you understand.
Callee: So who is Optimus Prime? Is it Fred Thompson?
RNC: Um... yeah, why not.
Callee: If I give you money, will it go to him?
RNC: Um... sure! That's exactly who it will go to. Now go fetch a credit card.
Callee: Will this be tax deductible?
RNC: If you try and deduct it from your taxes, I won't stop you.
See, they can still get contributions; it's all about the telemarketers knowing how to handle the voters' concerns. So, RNC, if you want help, I can be a consultant for you if you pay me big cash money... and I only accept payments in the form of canvas bags full of money with a big dollar sign printed on the front.
IMAO Now an Important Research Tool for Pundits
You may notice some familiar material in Jonah Goldberg's syndicated column about Fred Thompson. I hope more columnist realize what an important research tool IMAO is. Every bit of info on this site goes through a rigorous verification process where we ask ourselves these questions before any factoid appears on IMAO:
* Does this information look true?
So trust IMAO; it's more work for you if you don't.
The Future of Cindy Sheehan
Recently, gold-star mother and moonbat extraordinaire Cindy Sheehan announced at Daily Kos that she was "resigning as the face of American anti-war movement" in order to spend more time with her remaining children, for whom I feel great pity.
But I imagine that knocking on the doors of relatives who refuse to answer will only take up part of her time. What else will Cindy Sheehan be doing now that her activist days are over? I have my guesses:
* Sell "I bit the hand that fed me... Democrats really DO taste like chicken" T-shirts.
* Tour the country promoting her "Vanilla Ice Cream Hunger Strike Diet".
* Get implants, marry an oil billionaire, inherit a fortune, have a baby of uncertain paternity, and die under suspicious circumstances.
* Search for a way to further disgrace Casey's memory that doesn't include suicide-bombing a shopping mall while yelling "Allah Akbar!".
* Give up attention whoring for crack whoring, replace Cartman's mom on the cover of Crack Whore Magazine, and enjoy the best of both worlds.
* Thwart thought-controlling, corporate, fascist, war-machine by replacing tinfoil hat with light-weight, space-age graphite/titanium composite model.
* Make Home Depot a ton of money from sales of new door locks to her kids.
* Move to France, get a job in a white flag factory, and learn how to say "primates capitulards et toujours en quete de fromages".
* Star in new Michael Moore documentary, "Wacko".
* Buy black shirt, sweat pants, and Nikes; await Comet Hale-Bopp's return.
* Accept Apple's offer to play "Loony Linux Lady" in their Mac vs. PC commercials.
* Photoshop Hitler moustache onto picture of chimpanzee. Label it Bush. Giggle. Repeat.
* FINALLY have a morning free to just sit around waiting for the cable guy.
* Start ordering her martinis shaken instead of stirred.
* Marry a fat, philandering Arkansas politician and bide her time until she can take her shot at the White House.
* Save a fortune on dry-cleaning expenses, since she doesn't have to lie on Casey's grave for the cameras any more.
* Contact Robin Williams about her idea for a new sitcom, "Mork & Cindy".
* Franchise-destroying appearance in latest "Girls Gone Wild" video.
* Write definitive Moonbat-English dictionary, if she can remember how to speak English.
Personally, I don't care what she does. I just want her to fade so far from memory that eventually - when people hear the name Sheehan - they'll only think of how Casey won his Bronze Star for Valor.
Buy IMAO T-Shirts
The IMAO T-Shirt Babe
(winning picture) YOU BUY NEW SHIRTS NOW!!!
Best of IMAO 2002
Best of IMAO 2006
Frank on Guns
Frank Reads the Bible
Frank the Artist
Fred Thompson Facts
Hellbender Take Two
Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
I Hate Frank
If I Were President
IMAO for the Non-Deaf
IMAO Think Tank
In My World
In My World - Fan Fiction
John Edwards Fabulous Facts
Know Thy Enemy
Mitt Romney Ads
Precision Guided Humor Assignments
Ron Paul, Ron Paul, Ron Paul
Ronin Thought of the Day
SarahK's TV stuff
Scary Evil Monkey
Songs & Poems
State of the Frank Report
Totally True Tidbits
WEsistance Is Facile
Why Me Laugh?
By MonthDecember 2008