About IMAO



Giving money to Frank J. makes you happy!

Buy funniest book ever!
Buy funniest book ever!




IMAO Podcasts
IMAO Merchandise and Newsletter

Cool shirts, mugs, stickers, and what-not!

About IMAO
Then conquer we must, for our cause is just, 
And this be our motto--'In God is our trust.' 
And the star-spangled banner in triumph doth wave 
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave.


If you want to send something by snail mail, e-mail with subject "P.O. Box" to get mail information for Frank J. and SarahK.

Bloggers:
Frank J.
Harvey
RightWingDuck
Cadet Happy
spacemonkey
Laurence Simon
SarahK


Popular Categories
Fred Thompson Facts
John Edwards Fabulous Facts
lolterizt
IMAO Condensed
Know Thy Enemy
Editorials
Frank the Artist
In My World

Other Content
Ode to Violence
Brief Histories
IMAO Audio Bits



Read the Essay
Own the Shirt
Peace Gallery

Search IMAO
Google
Web www.imao.us

Testimonials
"All quotes attributed to me on IMAO are made up... including this one."
-Glenn Reynolds

"Unfunny treasonous ronin!"
-Lou Tulio*

"You, sir, are a natural born killer."
-E. Harrington

"You'll never get my job! Never!!!"
-Jonah Goldberg

"In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. And He did despair, for in His omniscience, He did know that His creations had but three-fifths of the splendor of that which would be IMAO."
-No One of Consequence

"A blogger with a sense of humor."
-Some Woman on MSNBC
Blogroll
Ace of Spades HQ
The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler
Blackfive
Captain's Quarters
Classical Values
Conservative Grapevine
The Corner
The Daily Gut (with Jim Treacher!)
Dave in Texas
Eject! Eject! Eject!
Electric Venom
Hot Air
Puppy Blender
La Shawn Barber's Corner
Michelle Malkin
Pereiraville
Protein Wisdom
Rachel Lucas
Right Wing News
Scrappleface
Serenity's Journal
Townhall Blog

IMAO Blogroll
Bad Example
Cadet Happy
The Flying Space Monkey Chronicles
mountaineer musings
Right Wing Duck
SarahK & Cadet Happy snark TV
This Blog Is Full of Crap

Fred Thompson Links
Fred File
Blogs for Fred
Fred Thompson Facts
Awards

 
October 31, 2007
I Dare You
Posted by spacemonkey at 09:01 PM | Email This

I won't describe to you what is happening in the picture I am about to link to. The dawning of what's happening is part of the image's power. It's not funny in the least.

But this photo, it speaks directly to the deepest part of your heart. It sure did speak to mine.

Look at this picture and not cry.

I dare you and I warned you.

Rating: 1.9/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (32)
Can't Believe No One Used "I'll Have What She's Having"
Posted by Harvey at 08:40 PM | Email This

Halloween Hillary.jpg

Still there was a lot of good stuff, and I was surprised by the volume of responses.

Therefore I'm going to pass out the bragging rights & praise like Halloween candy, instead of just limiting it to five.

First some discussion of how I was impressed (or not).

It pays know your judge. I like:

* Brevity - a one-word caption would be your Holy Grail here. For example, "KHAAAAAAAAAN!!!!!". Tough to find, but worth the effort if you can find it.

* Movie quotes - best if they're recognizable, yet not the ones EVERYONE uses.

* TV show quotes - if you've paid attention, you'll know my favorite.

* Indirect references - Frank J's entry in the first comment (which, sadly, does not earn praise this time), never uses the word "Joker". He merely leaves it implied. He fails in this case because the Joker was frustrated when he spoke this line. Would've been better with "You ever dance with the devil by the pale moonlight?" or "This town needs an enema!".

* Smut - I like my humor off-colorer than most of the folks around here.

It also helps to know what I don't like:

* Harry Potter references.

That's Frank & Sarah's thing. Personally, I think the series is dorky tripe written by a daft old limey bat.

Anyway, let's dole out the bragging rights:



Spacemonkey (using an actual Hillary quote):
"We're going to be taking things away from you...like your SOUL! [Pause] [cackle, cackle, cackle]"

Rick (nice misdirection - I bit on it):
After a hard day on the campaign trail, Hillary unwinds while watching her favorite comedy, Schindler's List.

DamnCat (beautiful implication technique):
Recently added to the Baseball Hall of Fame's memorabilia collection: Yogi Berra's 1951 World Series catcher's mitt.

Pantera (this thought just makes me feel warm inside):
What Saddam saw before he died.

Jerry (old joke recycled by using only the punchline - a good method):
"and you Obama, I'll turn you into a wetsuit!!"

Lily (ripped from the headlines...)
Next on the Democratic agenda...Universal Dental Care

Master Shake (smutty AND baits Ronulans)
"Be careful down there, Ron Paul. That tickles!"

Bod (mostly because I used to own the album in question - yes, on vinyl, thank you very much)
21st Century Schizoid Woman



And before launching into the High Praise! winner, I'm offering some Moderately Elevated Praise! to:

hordog (smutty and semi-obscure Blazing Saddles reference)
"Oh, Bawwack, it's twue it's twue..."

AlanABQ (Yay! Smutty pun!):
"I'm smiling because I'm getting my cavities checked today, and I ain't talking about my teeth!"

glockman (brevity and a Simpson's reference):
mmmmm....babies

PostToasties (new twist on an old classic):
"The face that sunk a thousand ships."

Casper the Friendly Host (he went there):
A mouth only Janet Reno could french kiss.

Raving Lunatic (he went there, but semi-discreetly):
Hillary discovers the secret joy of washing machines

G Fresh (For adapting a relatively obscure Princess Bride quote):
I am the Dread Pirate Rodham. I have come for your souls.

cptnmoroni (going extreme to make his point):
The Revlon corporation just surrendered.

badmartin (I really enjoy this mental image):
She's laughing because her driver just hit a kid on a bike.

Hazel (a movie quote I've never heard before, but very fitting):
"It looks like Godzilla, but due to international copyright laws, it's not."

right (another mental image that tickles me):
Hillary grins happily as she learns that, yes, her new Wagner Power Sprayer CAN handle a 50/50 maybelline/spackle mix.

right (well-adapted commercial reference):
Souls. It's what's for dinner.

Michael Rutman (because it's just SO wrong. Click the link, it's a visual)

Dr. Evil (a rarely-quoted - yet well-chosen - phrase from MPatHG):
Follow. But... Follow only if ye be men of valour, for the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel that no man yet has fought with it and lived. Bones of full fifty men lie strewn about its lair. So, brave knights, if you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty, big, pointy teeth.

And finally, High Praise! to... (see extended entry)

Read More...


Rating: 2.3/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (23) | Election 2008
Ronin Profile: Marvin
Posted by Frank J. at 05:58 PM | Email This
Marvin
Let's meet some more IMAO readers. Today, it's Marvin.

* * * *

What's the story behind your name? It was my grandfather's name and is my middle name.

Where do you live? Roswell, GA, where there are no aliens and no water

How old are you? Old enough to know better, young enough to still do it anyway.

Tell us briefly about yourself. I am a former Surface Warfare Officer, US Navy. After I told my wife about my blog, she immediately asked if I received any death threats. (not yet, but I am trying for some.)

How long have you been reading IMAO? A couple of years

What's your favorite IMAO post? Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths "If Hillary Clinton supporters are going door to door in your neighborhood, just mark your doorpost with lamb's blood and they'll not bother you."

If you were to describe IMAO in three words, what would those be? Medication Required Daily

What's your favorite political issue? Global War on Terror

Do you have a website? If so, please tell us briefly about it. www.wordofmarvin.blogspot.com is my site. It is just my rantings and ravings. But please visit and support Project Valour-IT (Voice Activated Laptops for Our Injured Troops) The annual interservice fundraiser is on, till Veterans Day.

How would you combat wildfires? By conscripting illegal, oops I mean undocumented, laborers to clear out the underbrush so that when fires start there is less fuel for them.

* * * *

If you commented in the last post asking for participants, you're still in the running. Thanks to everyone who has participated thus far; just because you may not think you're interesting doesn't mean we won't enjoy your story.

Rating: 3.8/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Ronin Profiles
The History of the Marines
Posted by Frank J. at 03:25 PM | Email This


In the beginning, the earth was without form. So God sent in the Marines to kick it around and get some order. God then realized that the Marines would need something to kill, so he created life.

About everything you enjoy in life is only here because the Marines killed the right people. Thus, show your support to them by donating to Valour-IT in the name of the Marines and help them beat the other branches to their goal. You'll help wounded troops get voice-activated laptops and prove once and for all which branch of the military is the best (it's the Marines).

Rating: 2.7/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 03:00 PM | Email This

john edwards fabulous.jpgFor years, John Edwards has harbored a secret crush on the Olsen Twins.

Ok, just their collection of party dresses.

Rating: 2.8/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (8) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
Dennis Kucinich Announces His Vice President
Posted by RightWingDuck at 02:11 PM | Email This

dennisandhisveeps.JPG

Jumping ahead of the crowd, Dennis Kucinich today announced his Vice President. Said Dennis, "I'm not like the other candidates. I have an insight and awareness given to me from years of hard work, education, and alien visitation." He was met with applause when he introduced his VP, E.T. The Extra Terrestrial.

Many in the crowd were pleasantly surprised. Said one reporter for the New York Times, "Many of us were supportive of the idea of an alien for Vice President. I guess most of us thought that the alien chosen would be illegal. But this is good too."

Kucinich's announcement has been well received. He's gone up in the polls from 1% to 1.00009%.

"I think this is a wiinning combination. When I talked to E.T. he told me that if we hit the campaign trail, that he would be there to pick up all the pieces.


RightWingDuck is a frequent contributor to IMAO. Sometimes in a postiive way. His writings can be found at IMAO and at The Daily Jalapeno.

Rating: 3.3/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Hillary Clinton Supports Weaseliness on Illegal Immigration
Posted by Frank J. at 12:02 PM | Email This

Wow. That was painful. So if I'm to understand Hillary's position correctly, she's for giving driver's licenses to illegal immigration, but against not being weasely when stating said position.

That was just some bad weaseling. Good weaseling leaves it ambiguous where you stand on an issue, but she made it pretty clear where she stood on the issue and then just weaseled for the hell of it. It was weaseling for weaseling's sake... like she doesn't know how to not weasel on an answer.

RUSSERT: "What's your name?"

HILLARY: "People have often called me by different appellations, and I think the important issue is whether they're said towards me so I know to respond."

Man, think of sentencing the country to that for eight years (four with good behavior).

Rating: 3.3/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (21)
Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
Posted by Frank J. at 11:00 AM | Email This

Hillary Clinton always wins "Scariest Costume." She has no idea what Halloween is.

Rating: 2.4/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (7) | Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
The Democrat Debate
Posted by Frank J. at 10:15 AM | Email This

I think the defining moment of last night's debate was when Hillary jumped on Obama, ate his eyeballs, and then screamed to the audience, "I am unstoppable!" That pretty much sums it up.

Rating: 3.8/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (14)
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

If your children go to Fred Thompson's house on Halloween night, make sure they don't say, "Trick or treat!" Fred Thompson does not respond well to threats.

Rating: 2.6/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (4) | Fred Thompson Facts
Time's Almost Up
Posted by Harvey at 07:00 AM | Email This

Cutoff for getting your Horrible Hillary Halloween Caption in for consideration is noon today.

I'll mull things over and post my picks sometime after sunset tonight.

Rating: 3.2/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (2)
October 30, 2007
Holy Crap!
Posted by Frank J. at 10:28 PM | Email This

Dennis Kucinich just set himself on fire to protest the Iraq war! Seriously! Turn on the Democratic Debate right now! He's still rolling around screaming!

Rating: 2.8/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (25)
Ronin Profile: joby10095
Posted by Frank J. at 04:34 PM | Email This
joby10095
Let's meet some more IMAO readers. Today, it's joby10095.

* * * *

What's the story behind your name? I moved to a new school in the end of 8th grade, and was named Joe, my last name starts with B. There was already a Joe in the group of friends I made, so they started calling me Joby to differentiate. Then, in 1994, my dad got AOL 1.5, and, I made a screen name joby10095. Ever since then, I have been too lazy to change it.

Where do you live? I currently live in the VERY small town of Black River, New York. 30 miles from the Canadian border, and right outside Fort Drum, home of the 10th Mountain Division

How old are you? 28

Tell us briefly about yourself. Grew up an Army Brat, my father was an infantryman who moved us all over the country, he won the Bronze Star in the Persian Gulf before he retired. Then, to his everlasting disgust his only son graduated and 3 days later left for Parris Island to become one of Uncle Sam's Misguided Children. I spent 5 years traveling the world on Uncle's dime, visiting fun and exotic places where people ran around with guns trying to kill each other, and the rest of us. I then decided to forgo a trip to Afghanistan so that I could go to college and become an officer, so I could lead even more Marines than I did before. This turned out to be a bad call and a good call, because two months after I got there, I got into a car accident that wrecked my back and got me medically retired. The good part was that I met a beautiful, smart, talented and amazing girl, who was also trying to get a commission. She succeeded, and is now an officer in the United States Army, and I am now an Army dependent for the second time in my life. My wife is now in Iraq, 6 months into a 15 month deployment. I work part time at a local library. Funny how things work out, huh? So now I work part time, and hang out at home with our deaf albino cat, who is secretly the spawn of Satan.

How long have you been reading IMAO? Since Monday, September 30, 2002. I was pissed off at some hippies at the college I was attending, and I was googling, and discovered a blog that had the heading "Everytime Someone Punches a Hippie, Baby Jesus Smiles", and I knew I had found someplace great, and I have been reading ever since.

[Wow. How many here can claim to have been reading this site longer than that (i.e., how many of you remember the original blog on blogspot)? -Ed.]

What's your favorite IMAO post? Well, obviously, Buck the Marine

If you were to describe IMAO in three words, what would those be? Out - Freaking - Standing.

What's your favorite political issue? Right now, it is dirty hippie pricks who trash the soldiers that are serving overseas, mainly because my wife is there right now. My other big problem is border security. We need to keep our borders shut to ILLEGAL immigrants, particularly those who don't plan on assimilating into American culture, but instead want to keep their own. Amazing how much "Mexican Pride" a lot of these people have, considering that they DON'T WANT TO STAY IN MEXICO.

Do you have a website? If so, please tell us briefly about it. I was a Government and Political Affairs major in college, and before that I was a low browed Jarhead. I'm lucky I know how to turn the computer ON.

What's government best at solving? Ummmmm........
well, give it a while, I might come up with something. I guess maybe blowing things up, but probably because they won't let private citizens own heavy weapons and explosives, so that isn't really fair. I'm sure I would be much better at it.

* * * *

If you commented in the last post asking for participants, you're still in the running. Thanks to everyone who has participated thus far; just because you may not think you're interesting doesn't mean we won't enjoy your story.

Rating: 2.7/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (11) | Ronin Profiles
Project Valour IT
Posted by RightWingDuck at 03:17 PM | Email This


I'd like to take a moment and officially say - GO ARMY!

What's all this about?

See, normally IMAO readers are pretty useless.

They sit around all day waiting for us to make with the funny.

Then they read the funny and go, "HUh?"

Then they sit some more and drink beer. Even at 9 in the morning. Heck they're not going to work.

Then they scratch their fat butts.

(Frank J. interrupts.

Frank J: "Stop insulting my readers!"

Ducky: "Wait, wait. I'm going somewhere with this."

FrankJ. "Well, hurry up. They're not going to sit around on their fat butts all day while you get to the point." )

Well, America is a great nation because our people are good. Sure we have our differences, but one thing that we do have in common is that we care about doing what's right. The big disagreement of course is usually about what is right and wrong and best or worst. Or shorter or taller, Or ...

(Frank J. Interrupts: You're rambling again."

Ducky: "Sorry.")

But we all love our troops. And whether you want them to stay or come home I think we can all agree that the ones who have come home, and have come home HURT, need all the help they can get. That's the least we can do for them.

So go to their site, read what they're all about, and give. Give big.

Give Big or God Won't Love you.

(SarahK Interrupts: "Hey, that's not true."

Ducky: "Yes. Yes, it is.")

Please visit the folks at Project Valour IT.

Rating: 2.9/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (4)
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 02:44 PM | Email This

john edwards fabulous.jpgAlthough researchers doing DNA testing on John Edwards did NOT detect the gene responsible for homosexuality, they DID discover that his mitochondria are comprised entirely of microscopic cans of Aquanet.

Bonus Fact from Jim:
John Edwards feels that he is uniquely qualified to deal with health care because he's watched almost every episode of "General Hospital"

Rating: 2.4/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (8) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
lolterizt! Part 21
Posted by Harvey at 01:01 PM | Email This

Once again, pass 'em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don't be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.



french impressionist.jpg

herbicide bomber.jpg

hunting wabbits.jpg

inferno.jpg

morpheus says go.jpg

willie nelson.jpg

raised hand.jpg



From badmartin:
tickets.JPG

Two from Alan ABQ:
LB sing along.JPG

scary  muslim woman.JPG

Three from Erik Wit:
ballet.JPG

baseball 1.JPG

beggars.JPG



PRODUCTION NOTE: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and - if they aren't obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don't suck too terribly bad - I'll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

Rating: 2.7/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (4) | lolterizt
The Social Conservative Case for Rudy Giuliani
Posted by Frank J. at 12:07 PM | Email This

Rudy Giuliani was a great leader for New York City and I'm sure he'd kill tons of terrorists as leader of the U.S., but a lot of his record is a hard sell to social conservatives. Still, his campaign is trying to prove he's just as acceptable a candidate to social conservatives as the other leading Republicans.

THE SOCIAL CONSERVATIVE CASE FOR RUDY GIULIANI

* Giuliani has never gay married.

* Despite people claiming he's hostile to social conservatives, Giuliani has never (directly) killed one.

* He's promised to appoint Supreme Court Justices like Roberts and Alito and to stop greedily rubbing his hands together and asking, "You wanna abort that baby?" every time he sees a pregnant woman.

* In a display of family values, he won't have a public mistress for at least the first term.

* While not as religious as some other candidates, God has never felt the need to smite him.

* Giuliani will only gun grab to admire the gun and promises to hand it back afterwards.

* He will continue to beat to death drug dealers with a tire iron as always.

Rating: 4.0/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (24)
Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
Posted by Frank J. at 11:00 AM | Email This

Hillary Clinton likes Midwesterners so much she even has an affectionate nickname for them: "Sky fairy worshiping nobodies I fly over on my way to important places."

Rating: 2.6/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (11) | Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
Project Valour-IT 2007 Fundraising Competition
Posted by Frank J. at 10:26 AM | Email This
It's time once again to prove which is the best branch of the military by seeing who can first reach their fundraising goal for Project Valour-IT who supplies voice activated laptops for injured troops. I'm pretty sure the Marines are the best branch (despite having my idiot brother an officer) so I'm supporting them.



The Marines are the best because their specialty is just killing evil foreigners. They'll go by land, by sea, or by air to kill whoever is in need of a killing. One day they expect to kill people in space (when there are more foreigners there). The Marines slogan is "Neither rain, nor sleet, nor snow will keep us from hunting you down, bitch." They're that dedicated to the important cause of less foreigners.

So please donate. There could be an injured troops right now who can't access IMAO. That is wrong.

Rating: 2.7/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (7)
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

Global warming is afraid of increasing Fred Thompson.

Rating: 3.4/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (7) | Fred Thompson Facts
October 29, 2007
Ronin Profiles Open Casting
Posted by Frank J. at 06:13 PM | Email This

It's time again to round up everyone who wants to participate in Ronin Profiles but haven't yet. Just comment here, make sure to fill in the e-mail address box (only I get to see that, so don't worry about spam), and you'll be in the running. Sorry if you've commented in these before and haven't got picked yet, but stick to it and you'll have your chance eventually.

Thanks to everyone who has participated.

Rating: 3.2/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (88) | Ronin Profiles
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 03:01 PM | Email This

john edwards fabulous.jpgFor John Edwards, something nearby isn't a "hop, skip & a jump", it's a "mince, prance & a flounce".

Bonus Fact from Jim:
John Edwards does not know how many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop. He always gets emotionally involved and loses count.

Rating: 2.4/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (12) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
In My World: Fire Is Puny
Posted by Frank J. at 02:27 PM | Email This

Governor Schwarzenegger stood at the podium for a press conference. "Hello. I am Ah-nuld! Ask your puny questions so I may crush them!"

"Are you satisfied with the government's reaction to the wild fires?" a reporter asked.

"The fire was puny!" Arnold shouted. "I crushed it! It could not stand against me! I protect Cal-ee-forn-ya! I am Ah-nuld!"

"How do you crush due process?"
"Are you afraid the currently contained fires may bleed out into other areas?" another reporter asked.

"I am afraid of nothing! I am Ah-nuld! And, if it bleeds, we can kill it!"

"Do you think the way evacuations have gone will help you politically?"

"I'm not into politics, I'm into survival! Evacuations went well because I am strong. I went door to door and said to the puny citizens, 'Come with me if you want to live.' They do as I say because they are puny and do not want me to crush them and know that I am Ah-nuld. Some were sad to leave, but I assured them, 'You'll be bahk!'"

"Do you think the relief to the fire was hindered by much of the National Guard being in Iraq?" a CNN reporter said.

Arnold chuckled. "Your question is funny. I will answer it last."

"How do you think everything the disaster here has compared to Katrina?" another reporter asked.

"Katrina was puny! It was just wind and water! This involved fire! Fire burns! It is much more deadly! Still, compared to me, it is puny... so I crushed it... since I am Ah-nuld. But I vow one thing: Cal-ee-forn-ya will be a chocolate city once again!" Arnold looked back to the CNN reporter. "You know when I said I'd answer your questions last? I lied. There was plenty of relief workers, and you are just trying to insert politics into this because you are puny. For that, I will crush you! I am Ah-nuld!" Arnold shouted, "Dah!" as he picked up and crushed the reporter.

"You have vowed to hunt down the arsonists responsible for some of these fires," a reporter said. "What are your exact plans?"

"What is best in life: Crush these enemies, see them driven before me, and to hear the lamentation of the women!"

"What about due process?"

"Due process is puny! I will crush it!"

"How do you crush due process?"

"It simple. I am big and strong. Due process is small and puny... so I crush it! What do you not understand? I am Ah-nuld!"

"Has all of this made you consider an eventual presidential run despite not currently being allowed to be president by the Constitution?"

"The Constitution is puny! If I want to be president, I will be president! I am Ah-nuld! No Constitution will tell me what to do! I will crush it!"

"You're going to crush the Constitution?"

"It is but a puny piece of paper! I am big and strong! I am Ah-nuld! I will crush it!" Arnold checked his watch. "I have no more time for you puny people. I understand I have probably said too many thing for your puny brains to remember, so I will summarize." He held up one finger. "Puny." He held up a second finger. "Crush." He held up a third finger. "Ah-nuld. Any last questions?"

"Who are you?"

"I AM AH-NULD!"

Rating: 2.5/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (14) | In My World
Expose Yourself to Jeri Thompson
Posted by Frank J. at 01:57 PM | Email This

Fred '08 has a picture of someone showing off his IMAO Fred Thompson shirt to Jeri Thompson (it's the first picture in the Jeri in Birmingham, AL group). From the back of her head, it looks like she liked it. I guess we're that much closer to "Kill the terrorists. Protect the border. Punch the hippies." to being Fred Thompson's official policy.

If you also want to flash Jeri Thompson, you can buy your own shirt.

UPDATE:

You can find a static version of the picture here, but I think it's cool IMAO made it onto the official Fred Thompson '08 site.

Rating: 3.1/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (8)
How to Fight a Monkey
Posted by Frank J. at 01:00 PM | Email This

In response to the monkey assassination in India, Slate wrote an article entitled "How to Fight Monkeys" which my Old Man alerted me too (ends up he found it because his browser automatically opens to MSN; I'm just proud he knows how to open a browser).

The article is a travesty, though. It's main recommendation in dealing with monkeys is appeasement which should never be done under any circumstances. If they demand food and we give them food, next they'll demand money, then political power, and finally our blood. It is the duty of every good man to see that a monkey never gets what it wants.

The article later suggests that if appeasement doesn't work, you can try bopping them on the head. This is closer to my recommendation of how to always deal with monkeys: Bash in their heads. Pretends it's like whack-a-mole in that as soon as you see a monkey head, you bash it. Hit the monkey heads with whatever object you can find such as a rock, a pipe, or another monkey. If you don't feel the little monkey skull give way to your first blow, try again with something heavier.

My method is based on scientific evidence, because while a control group of monkeys was aggressive, those with bashed in heads showed no aggression. It's also a simple method and easy to implement because you can usually find something to bash in a monkey head no matter what situation you find yourself in.

Monkeys can be quick, though, making bashing in their heads hard. An alternative method is to combine Slate's appeasement method with my bashing in their heads method. You simply act like you're going to give the monkey food with one hand and then bash its head in with the other.

So, how do you deal with monkeys?

On a happier note, it looks like my educating the public is starting to bear fruit, as now one third of all monkeys are facing extinction. We can't be ruled by monkeys in a bleak Planet of the Apes future if they're all dead first.

Rating: 2.9/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (17)
Horrible Hillary Halloween Caption Contest
Posted by Harvey at 11:59 AM | Email This

Reader Jimmy sent me this horrifying visage:

Halloween Hillary.jpg

After I got done bleaching my retinas and cursing his name, I decided he was right - this photo DOES need a caption.

Winner and four runners-up to be chosen by me, with the winner receiving the usual... High Praise!... and the rest having to settle for mere bragging rights.

If you decide to photoshop it or give it the "lolterizt!" treatment, post the pic at your place and just drop the URL in the comments.

I've created a few captions of my own to set the bar, but I'll put them in the extended entry so as not to completely deflate your creative urge...

Read More...


Rating: 1.8/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (146) | Election 2008
Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
Posted by Frank J. at 11:00 AM | Email This

If Hillary Clinton isn't elected president, she will seek revenge by destroying the world... though probably in a less drawn out and painful way than if she ran it.

Rating: 2.7/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (3) | Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
IMAO Is Fit to Print
Posted by Frank J. at 10:03 AM | Email This

IMAO made the New York Times thanks to this post from Ducky. It was actually the reader comments that get quoted (such as one from K T Cat), so credit goes to all ronin. Of course, being the NYT, they tied our humor into Abu Grahib, but watcha gonna do?

(hat tip to reader Mike T.)

Rating: 2.6/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (17)
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

Fred Thompson owns one gun so awesome that it violates California state firearms law to even look at it.

Rating: 2.9/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (12) | Fred Thompson Facts
October 28, 2007
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 12:48 PM | Email This

john edwards fabulous.jpgSmoothness is measured on the "Edwards Scale", with a baby's bottom being 9 and John Edwards's "area" being the hypothetical maximum 10. The hypothetical 0 point has never actually been attained, although some claim that either Mount Everest or Edward James Olmos's face would qualify.

Bonus Fact from Chris:
John Edwards' favorite spice girl... Mrs. Dash

John Edwards prefers white rice... the flavor of brown rice is too bold

John Edwards' secret family recipe for a great cup coffee:
* 1 large mug with luke warm water
* 3 drops brown food coloring
* a whisper of powdered sugar for flavor

Bonus Fact from Silicon Valley Jim:
Kellie Pickler was recently sued by the Edwards campaign for plagiarism, as all the lyrics to "Things That Never Cross a Man's Mind", are direct quotes from John Edwards.

Rating: 2.1/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (6) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
Posted by Frank J. at 11:00 AM | Email This

If Hillary Clinton supporters are going door to door in your neighborhood, just mark your doorpost with lamb's blood and they'll not bother you.

Rating: 2.9/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (6) | Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

It only takes one lick for Fred Thompson to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop.

Rating: 2.5/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (10) | Fred Thompson Facts
October 27, 2007
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 02:57 PM | Email This

john edwards fabulous.jpgJohn Edwards says it hurts his mouth to eat Cap'n Crunch.

Not the cereal.

Bonus Fact from Jim:
John Edwards is NOT gay...but he does play one on TV.

Rating: 2.1/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (4) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
I'm Back, Foo!
Posted by Frank J. at 12:32 PM | Email This

The whole point of me telling you all the I'm going to be gone is so you know not to visit the site until I'm back. Instead there was more than twice our normal traffic while I was gone. See, this is why I hate you guys.

Anyway, apparently the site has been taken over by flameaphobia while I was gone. Before things get too out of hand, I want you people to realize that it's a very small percentage of fire that burns down homes, and fire has just as much potential for peace as any other chemical reaction.

I should mention I've really been enjoying Michael Z. Williamson's Better to Beg Forgiveness... I didn't have as much time to read as I though, so I only got a little over half way through, but it will be worth writing a review when I finish because it just keeps getting more and more tense with each chapter. I'll definitely want to get a copy for my brother to see what he thinks of it as a Marine. It's quite topical, as while contractors from Blackwater are trying to help keep peace in Iraq while being assailed from the media, in the novel contractors (mercenaries) from Ripple Creek are trying to protect a president on a very volatile planet (it's kinda like if a whole planet was like the worst country in Africa) while being assailed by the media. MoveOn actually makes an appearance in what does seem the logical progression for them in the future. You can check out the first nine chapters here. Now I have to find how I can get sent more milSciFi novels instead of just free political books.

I'll get back to my regular blogging on Monday. I actually had inspiration for an In My World™ for the first time in a while, but of course it was while I didn't have time or easy access to the internet. My muse has been a bitch lately. If it's still topical, I'll put it up on Monday. I'm sure Harvey will have something more clever, though, which most people will assume I wrote.

One last thing, dissing SarahK, my wife, is not cool. Any more of that, and I not only ban you, I hunt you down and stick a fork in your eye (my choice of which eye but you can choose the fork). Let's all learn to be nice to each other, because IMAO is all about respect for other people. That's what IMAO stands for: Iespect Mor Ather Oeople.

Be honorable, ronin.

Rating: 2.8/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (17)
Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
Posted by Frank J. at 11:00 AM | Email This

Hillary Clinton has a twin in the mirror universe named Clillarly Hinton. Oddly enough, she is also evil but has a less pronounced goatee.

Rating: 2.9/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (9) | Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

Fred Thompson once fought fire with fire. Fire was admitted to the hospital with third degree burns covering eighty percent of its body.

Rating: 2.0/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (7) | Fred Thompson Facts
October 26, 2007
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 03:02 PM | Email This

john edwards fabulous.jpgJohn Edwards's career as a mime nearly ended in tragedy when he spent three days without food or water, fruitlessly trying to escape from his invisible box.

Bonus Fact from Jim:
Rejected John Edwards campaign slogans:

"FAAAAAAAAABULOUS!"

"All this, and brains too"

"Better hair than that Korean guy."

Rating: 2.6/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (9) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
Senator Biden Calls Black People Stupid: Gets Nominated For Nobel Prize
Posted by RightWingDuck at 12:57 PM | Email This

Senator Joseph Biden, a Democratic candidate for the presidency, was nominated to the Nobel Peace prize after implying that black people were stupid. Senator Biden, when asked why Washington schools were doing so badly,

attempted to explain why some schools perform better than others -- in Iowa, for instance, compared with the District. "There's less than 1 percent of the population of Iowa that is African American. There is probably less than 4 or 5 percent that are minorities. What is in Washington? So look, it goes back to what you start off with, what you're dealing with,"

Staffers immediately offered that Biden was not saying that black people were stupid. "We feel he was talking abut how important Iowa is, not only to the elections and the economy, but to the overall health of the education system."

The Nobel Prize Committee immediately went into conference to see if maybe they could reward these brave comments. Said one member, speaking off the record, "We've gone into conference about this and feel that he would make an excellent Nobel recipient. It might help his application if he made a movie about global warming like Al Gore, or if he hated Israel like Jimmy Carter, but we can look at his application on own merits. It would also help if he was black, since many times we do have a quota to fill."

Senator Biden insists that he is not racist. "I have several black friends, and not once have any of them robbed me."

(Hat Tip: Betsy's Page)

Rating: 2.4/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (14)
Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
Posted by Frank J. at 11:00 AM | Email This

Hillary Clinton regularly breaks all ten Commandments even before breakfast. I don't know how she breaks "keep the Sabbath holy" on a Tuesday, but shes finds away.

Rating: 2.5/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (13) | Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
Well... I Suppose if They're Barefoot & Pregnant, We Could Let Them Work in the Kitchen...
Posted by Harvey at 11:00 AM | Email This

The perpetually-offended quota mongers are at it again. This time the complaint is that Republicans have too few Gynecologically-Examined-Americans (or whatever the hell the PC term for "women" is these days) as senior members of their campaign staffs.

[Grammatical aside: shouldn't that be "staves"?]

Anyway, I speculate thusly upon the reasons why this might be so:



* Broads are always too busy gossiping about "Desperate Housewives" to get any damn work done. Why hire them?

* Republicans may have fewer women, but they're WAY hotter.

Typical Democratic campaign worker.

* Quality Conservative women too busy doing other things, like teaching their children the difference between right & wrong.

* The Republican women who were going to be hired never showed up for their interviews because their tires were slashed by Democrats.

* Any time a Republican man says "I want this woman on my staff", he gets sued for sexual harrassment.

* Republican women refuse to take the pay cut or scale back on their precious shooting range time.

* Any woman worth having on a campaign is already in Iraq killing terrorists, where women belong.

* Republican men are still acclimating to this whole "women's suffrage" thing. Don't be pushy.

* There's only one Ann Coulter, and what other woman could you possibly want to hire?

* Well, there IS that one... but she's already working as a t-shirt babe for some Florida-based conservative humor blog.

* Because statistically speaking, there were more men in the pool of qualified applicants. What sort of bottom-line-ignoring moron would hire a candidate on criteria unrelated to potential for job performance?

* Oh.



Any other reasons that I might have overlooked?

Rating: 2.9/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (40)
Something Fishy About Ron Paul
Posted by spacemonkey at 09:00 AM | Email This

It's a well established fact Ron Paul can perform literal acts of magic that wow and woo his avid/rabid followers. His supporters, By and Large, (their actual names) have sworn to give their very lives at his command. They both work tirelessly to spread the troof about the wonderland a Ron Paul led free world would be. They also adjust internet polls to correct for the silent majority.

Ah, the crisp smell of a freshly restored U.S. Constitution is quite an enticing idea. We all bicker about those idiotic amendments and the Bill of rights anyway. They weren't in the original document so they really have tainted the Republic. Any present day Thomas Jefferson would tell you that.

That's not what's got me bothered. It's his voice. With every sentence he speaks the pitch rises. For a 2 minute debate answer it doesn't get too terribly painful. But can you imagine what would happen towards the end of a State Of The Union address? Don't bother, I can. T.V. tubes shattering, dogs howling in pain, vermin of all sorts running for their lives, eardrums bursting, bridges failing, the crust of the earth cracking in half. Is it worth it to destroy the planet, just to save the Republic? That's a question we'll need to answer.

Plus he was a gynecologist, which doesn't necessarily make him a pervert, but it's not so easy to wash your hands of that sort of activity. I'd like to think that the era of a having a resident of the White House who has been up close and personal with hundreds of hoohoos, chichis or whatever the technical term is, ended when Hillary moved out.

Rating: 2.1/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (102) | Ron Paul, Ron Paul, Ron Paul
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

Fred Thompson can get blood from a stone. He calls it "stone blood."

Rating: 2.3/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (14) | Fred Thompson Facts
October 25, 2007
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 03:00 PM | Email This

john edwards fabulous.jpgRock & Roll trivia: a young John Edwards had a cameo in the Dire Straits "Money for Nothing" video (about the 1:50 mark), during the line "the little faggot with the earring and the makeup".

Bonus Fact from Silicon Valley Jim:
John Edwards is having a hard time deciding on his Hallowe'en costume - Wonder Woman, Snow White, Liberace, a ballerina... they just all seem so... butch.

Rating: 1.9/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (15) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
America Can't Win the "War On Fire"
An Editorial by Harvey
Posted by Harvey at 11:00 AM | Email This

After the all of endless days of the California fire quagmire, it's time for America to admit that it can't win this battle. We must immediately withdraw our forces and go home. But until our so-called "leaders" in Washington wise up to the folly of their current course, all we can do is ask ourselves, "why does fire hate us?".

The roots go deep.

"it's no wonder fire hates us. We've been demonizing it ever since the first cinematic Frankenstein monster said 'Fire bad!'."
In the 12th century, when Europe was suffering through it's Dark Ages, fire was the most enlightened thing on the planet. It provided warmth and illumination to those who were wise in its ways. Truly it was the engine of civilization.

Fire has never forgotten this, though apparently WE have, and our ingratitude to our betters galls them.

We think ourselves so sophisticated with our electricity and our central heating, but if fire hadn't paved the way for us, we'd be lost.

We offend fire by occupying the holy lands of burnable, burnable forests with our "fireless" nuclear power plants, claiming that we are "better than mere flames". We laugh at fire's "primitiveness" and "simplicity".

Well, apparently fire is stronger than we think, as it continues to prove itself unstoppable despite our recent surge of extinguishing agents. Water, and by extension America, is no match for such a primal force.

How foolish fighting fire is. And what a waste of resources in a country where there are children without health insurance.

And it's no wonder fire hates us. We've been demonizing it ever since the first cinematic Frankenstein monster said "Fire bad!". We tell our children not to play with matches or they'll wet the bed. We won't even allow lighters on airline flights! Even before the fire is made, it's assumed to be evil by its very nature. Plus we only allow fire the most menial of jobs in this country - barbecues, fireplaces, scented candles - is it any wonder that fire resents us so deeply?

I, for one, don't blame it. And I am ashamed to be an American.

Of course, even though I understand fire's anger, I certainly don't think violence is the answer. Naturally, like all decent people, I don't approve of fires raging through California. Still, I think we should at least consider containment as an option, rather than direct confrontation. Give fire a certain area of land to live as it pleases, and only react if it takes the initiative to cross borders. At that point, we should definitely consider economic sanctions.

I believe in co-existence. I think we can get along peaceably with fire if we just set our pride aside and give it some of what it wants.

After all, it's not called "the combustion of peace" for nothing.

---

Harvey is a non-disabled Navy veteran accidentally hired to fill an affirmative action quota at IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as "Genocide: Smokey the Bear's Brutal Crusade Against Fire" and "Heat + Fuel + Oxygen = Fun!".

Rating: 2.3/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (167) | Editorials
Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
Posted by Frank J. at 11:00 AM | Email This

Hillary Clinton's parents' last name was actually "Sodom" though they changed it at Ellis Island after immigrating here from Mordor.

Rating: 2.4/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (9) | Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

Fred Thompson is a master of all sports. He once batted a football into a basket hoop located on the green of a par 5 hole that was being guarded by the world's best goalie (hockey, not soccer).

Rating: 2.2/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (26) | Fred Thompson Facts
October 24, 2007
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 03:06 PM | Email This

john edwards fabulous.jpgJohn Edwards's last trip to sporting event was doubly disappointing. Not only did the Charlotte Sting lose, but the lines for the ladies' room were just unconscionable!

Bonus Fact from Jim:
"We have nothing to fear but fear itself." - Franklin D. Roosevelt

"Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your country" - John F. Kennedy

"I'm a lover, not a fighter" - John Edwards

Rating: 2.1/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (17) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
Osama Tape Transcript
Posted by Harvey at 01:04 PM | Email This

Provided as a public service from IMAO, because the Lamestream Media is too chicken to do it:



Hey! What's this lyin' around s@#$?

You think this war's over just 'cuz Bush dropped a surge on Iraq?

What?

Over?

Did you say 'over'?

Nothing is over until we decide it is!

Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?

Hell no!

And it ain't over now!

'Cause when the going gets tough... the tough get going!

Who's with me? Let's go!

What the @#$% happened to the Al Qaeda I used to know? Where's the spirit? Where's the guts? Huh? This could be the greatest fight of our lives, but you're going to let it be the worst. "Oh, we're afraid to go with you, Osama. We might get in trouble."

Well, just kiss my ass from now on! Not me! I'm not gonna take this!

Bush? He's a dead man.

Howard? Dead!

Brown? Dead!

You know I'm right.

Psychotic, but absolutely right.

We gotta take these bastards. Now, we could do it with conventional weapons, but that could take years and cost millions of lives.

No, in this case I think we have to go all out. I think this situation absolutely requires a really futile and stupid gesture be done on somebody's part.

And we're just the guys to do it.

Let's do it.

LET'S DO IT!

Go! Go! Go!



I think this speech might have worked, given this photo recently taken in Baghdad:

osaminal house.jpg

Rating: 2.3/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (15)
Tonight... We Dine... in VIRGINIA!!!!
Posted by Frank J. at 12:06 PM | Email This

Saw this last night and meant to go find it on You Tube, but luckily AP did it for me:

Now that would be the awesome, pro-America movie we need.

Rating: 3.1/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (12)
Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
Posted by Frank J. at 11:00 AM | Email This

Anthropological evidence shows that ancient man had to deal with a creature similar to Hillary Clinton except that it was ten feet tall, had horns, had a spiked tail, and was only half as scary.

Rating: 2.9/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (6) | Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
See If You Miss Me
Posted by Frank J. at 10:07 AM | Email This

I'm going to be away on business until late Friday night without much access to a computer, so I'm leaving the blog in Harvey's hands for the rest of the week. If something major happens, though, I don't think I ever gave him administrative access since I don't trust him on account of him being godless. Since many of you mistake his and other's posts for mine, you probably won't even know I'm gone. Also, facts will still be posted at their regularly scheduled times.

I've gotten an advanced copy of Michael Z. Williamson's newest novel Better to Beg Forgiveness... to read for my trip. I like advanced copies because I like having things other people can't (like SarahK; BTW, none of you better try to woo her away from me while I'm gone).

Also, if you want more reading, don't forget SarahK's Snark Raving Mad blog where she snarks all the TV shows we watch together. Cadet Happy also blogs there on reality TV shows.

Be honorable, ronin.

Rating: 2.3/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (20)
It's So Sad You Have to Laugh
Posted by Frank J. at 09:07 AM | Email This

If you have a fetish for fat ninja women, Saudi Arabia is the country for you.

Rating: 2.2/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (16)
Osama Versus Obama: You Decide!
Posted by RightWingDuck at 08:06 AM | Email This

Ladies and Gentlemen, there's nothing more embarrassing than having a presidential candidate confuse a Democrat with a world class terrorist. Such a mistake was made by presidential candidate Mitt Romney. I don't know how this happens. On the one hand, you have somebody who has pledged that all American troops will withdraw one day from Iraq in shameful, humiliating defeat: on the other hand, you have Osama Bin Laden.

Osama. Obama. The names are so much alike. But are the men alike? It's time to make sure we truly understand the differences between these two characters once and for all. That's why IMAO is launching a new series called

Osama Versus Obama: Never Shall They Be Confused Again.

Today's lesson. American Patriotism.


anthem.JPG

You decide. Which one is it?

Look at all the clues and post in comments.

Rating: 2.1/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (18)
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

Fred Thompson once shoved a camel through the eye of a needle. He didn't find it that difficult, though it was a bit messy.

Rating: 2.3/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (6) | Fred Thompson Facts
October 23, 2007
Sanity Check
Posted by Frank J. at 10:51 PM | Email This

I've now had a number of people over the month or two I've been doing this who I e-mailed questions to, but never got a response. Has anyone e-mailed me his or her answers and not had a post in Ronin Profiles? I might be missing some e-mails... because it's hard to believe that people would receive an e-mail from me, the great Frank J., and not respond immediately. Don't you people understand that my time is much more important than yours?

Rating: 1.7/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (26)
Ronin Profile: Luipaard
Posted by Frank J. at 07:45 PM | Email This
Luipaard
Let's meet some more IMAO readers. Today, it's Luipaard.

* * * *

What's the story behind your name? I write a lot of fiction; “Luipaard” is a name I gave one of my characters. I ended up liking it so much that I decided to use it online!

Where do you live? I live in...A CITY...in the state of Texas. (TEXAS, YEAH!)

How old are you? I have aged a specific set of years, set at a point in the space-time continuum.

Tell us briefly about yourself. Oh, there’s not much to know about me. I like to write books, read books, chew books.... Oh, that was the Terry Pratchett in me, sorry. As stated above, I live in Texas -- and I probably suffer from an overdose of pride, in that area. Sorry folks. *sweatdrop*

I have yet to complete my secondary education; take from that what you will.

How long have you been reading IMAO? Hmm. It was in fact my father who discovered it; he read out loud a post concerning ninjas that gave the whole family a giggle. I think that was about five or six years ago.

What's your favorite IMAO post? Know Thy Enemy; Fred Thompson Facts; Frank Reads the Bible; and Frank on Guns.

If you were to describe IMAO in three words, what would those be? Hmm, this one’s tough.... Ah! Energetic, Awesome, and Kewl. (Yes. Kewl. Not Cool. Kewl.)

What's your favorite political issue? Just one? Well, my top one is the Iraq war; then its gun control, and then gay marriage. (Which, actually, I’m in favor of; I think gays should be allowed to get married. I’m sorry. That’s just the way I feel.)

Do you have a website? If so, please tell us briefly about it. I have a blog/journal, but it’s rather personal, so I don’t think it would be a good idea to give it out.

What do you think is the best way to kill a monkey? Trap it, and then shoot its head off with my Mateba auto-revolver! Disgusting creatures, monkeys, grrr....

* * * *

If you commented in the last post asking for participants, you're still in the running. Thanks to everyone who has participated so far; just because you may not think you're interesting doesn't mean we won't enjoy your story.

Rating: 2.7/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (19) | Ronin Profiles
Glenn Beck: America Haters Deserve Fire
Posted by RightWingDuck at 07:04 PM | Email This

I found this through a site called carpetbagger. (H/T to Salon) . According to this post, Glenn Beck says that those America Haters have now had their homes burned. Now, this might seem like an extreme view to some, but I have to say that Glenn and I see eye to eye on this.

I mean, if your viewpoint on this (or on anything) is different than mine, then the only proper punishment is to have your home burned along with all of your worldly possessions. It's probably one of the best ways to end any arguments. I find that people put up much less of a fight when they're sleeping out of a cardboard box.

Does anyone disagree with me on this one? (Ducky pulls out his lighter and starts taking note of the commenters' names.)

Excellent. As long as we're having a rational discussion, let's talk about the REAL reason those America haters, all half a million of them, have been pushed out of their homes while the fires get put down: They have angered the Oink the Pig God.

Sounds crazy, but they probably deserved it. Please look at this overhead shot, provided by ABC news.

ht_sat_image_071023_ssv.jpg

Do you not see it? Here, let me help with some outlining.

piggod.JPG

See? Evidence.

Let us be like Glenn. Let us NOT have compassion on people who are on the verge of losing everything they own. Their America Hating has angered Oink, the god of Pork.

I hope that my ample evidence has hardened your heart enough to keep you from caring. Remember, it's easy to think we're all in this together.


Rating: 1.8/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (26)
Time for the Tide to Turn
Posted by Frank J. at 04:14 PM | Email This

We had a great debate that made me more confident in all our frontrunners. The "defeat at any cost" crowd is losing steam. Pete Stark once again demonstrated how whimpering and weak the Democrats are. Now Fred Thompson has just released a new enforcement-centric plan on combating illegal immigration that's sure to please the base. I'm starting to think the Republicans getting some momentum.

Of course, with all the seats they have to defend, Republicans are going to need freight train momentum just to keep things as they are, but we should never overestimate (underestimate?) just how weak the Democrats are no matter how much power they hold.

Rating: 2.2/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (14)
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 03:02 PM | Email This

john edwards fabulous.jpgJohn Edwards's least favorite part of his annual physical? The Pap smear.

Rating: 2.1/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (13) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
Beg! Beg for Mercy! Kneel Before Zod Bush!
Posted by Frank J. at 02:08 PM | Email This

Pete Stark, slandered both the President and the troops when he said:

"You don’t have money to fund the war or children. But you’re going to spend it to blow up innocent people if we can get enough kids to grow old enough for you to send to Iraq to get their heads blown off for the President’s amusement."

It was an idiotic non sequitur when arguing for the latest liberal hand out, sCHIP, but he originally stuck by his statement and the hateful little goblins of Kos gurgled with glee and shook their tiny fists triumphantly while exclaiming, "He speeks twoof to power! Twoof to power!"

It didn't last. Not only has Stark now apologized, but he has apologized in the most pathetic way possible:

“I want to apologize to my colleagues, many of whom I have offended,” Stark began. He then apologized to “the president and his family” and “the troops.”

“I hope that with this apology, I return to being as insignificant as I should be,” he concluded though a voice cracking with emotion.

He did everything but admit he is President Bush's bitch and then tuck his tail between his legs to conceal his tiny genitals before sulking off.

Let that be a lesson to you, Kos Kids: You are all weak and pathetic and should not even imagine standing up to us Republicans. Learn to live with disappointment.

Rating: 0.9/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (20)
Dumbledore Was Gay? The Top 10
Posted by RightWingDuck at 01:35 PM | Email This

It seems that the whole Dumbledore Was Gay post generated a lot of comments. Not a lot of humor, but a lot of comments. Folks, this is a HUMOR site. In theory at least. Or so I'm told.

Anyway, the object of the post was to have the readers generate a Top 10 list. On a personal note, let me share this with you.

You.

Guys.

Suck.

Anyway, it wasn't ALL bad. We were able to get these gems from some of our commenters.

Top 10 Reasons We Should Have Known Dumbledore Was Gay

10. *Had an unusually wide stance when casting spells. AlanABQ

9. *Kept secretly reciting the "wingardium leviosa" spell towards male student's crotches. AlanABQ

8. Hogwart's policy of Don't ask, don't spell. Gary

7. He likes his candy sweet and his phoenixes FLAMING! Cknight

6. His patronus: John Edwards. Cknight


And then you guys ran out of gas. It's okay. That's why IMAO is here. We're the professionals. Or semi professionals. Quarter professionals. (1/8 professionals at the very least.)

Anyway, here's a COMPLETE top ten list. The entries above were good. The one's listed below are mine. Check below the fold and tell me what you think.

Read More...


Rating: 2.2/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (20)
How Does the Military Spend All Those Billions?
Posted by Frank J. at 01:07 PM | Email This

President Bush wants another million billion dollars for war. The Democrats are acting like they won't give it to him, but they're impotent little wusses and when push comes to shove, they'll squeal, "We were okay with the pushing, but the shoving is too much! Stop and we'll give you whatever you want!"

The Democrats might as well give him the money. They were only going to spend it on stupid poor people anyway.
Now obviously half that money will go to Halliburton in the form of kick backs, but why does the military need so much more money? Here's what I found out about where all these expenditures came from:

* They're now issuing military grade nunchucks to all the troops.

* Treatment for post-traumatic stress disorder from the last time Hillary visited.

* Cigarettes are expensive you know.

* Study of what best sustains the morale of troops sitting in a hot tank: A Nintendo DS or a PSP.

* How are the troops supposed to represent the best of America if they don't each have an iPhone?

* There treating all the troops for psychosis since they keep claiming things aren't as bad the 100% reliable media claims they are.

* They military thought they saw something, they fired all their bullets at it, and now they need more ammo.

* They're putting spinners on all the tanks.

* Apparently some of the stuff they blew up needs to be rebuilt. Who knew?

* The troops keep crashing UAVs into each other as practical jokes, and while that is funny, it's not millions of dollars funny

* The Marines' Ka-Bars are dirty and they want new ones.

* They're building sandboxes for the Iraqi kids and need to import some sand.

* They bought some hybrid Humvees but had to replace them after it was pointed out that violated the "don't ask, don't tell" policy.

* The troops need Prozac after the devastating news that Dumbledore is gay.

* All assault vehicles now come with OnStar.

* The Blackwater contractors signed on to be beat, shot at, and blown up, but casting them as villains costs extra.

* All the movies out of Hollywood lately are a bunch of anti-American crap, so they had to make their own movies.

* Don't tell anyone, but most of the money is going towards invading Iran.

Rating: 1.7/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (11)
lolterizt! Part 20
Posted by Harvey at 12:00 PM | Email This

lolterizt! Part 20

Once again, pass 'em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don't be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.



black power.jpg

insurgent tool.jpg

invisible basketball.jpg

metallica poster.jpg

rage boy sparta.jpg

riverdance.jpg

smurf mosque.jpg

i have a dream.jpg
[hat tip: Redneck Texan]



From John:
how to write.jpg

From McBain:
flag fights back.JPG

Three from Erik Wit:

angels.JPG

ak.JPG

art.JPG



PRODUCTION NOTE: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and - if they aren't obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don't suck too terribly bad - I'll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

Rating: 2.2/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (2) | lolterizt
Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
Posted by Frank J. at 11:00 AM | Email This

As a hobby, Hillary writes research papers on what animals can scream in pain and how loud.

Rating: 3.7/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (16) | Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
Is the War Against the War Lost?
Posted by Frank J. at 10:15 AM | Email This

Violence is down 70% in Iraq. That combined with Osama trying to tell all the terrorists to get along and the Democrats backing down on asking for immediate (or even scheduled) withdrawal seem to indicate that the war against the war may be over. I remember when the war against the war in Afghanistan was lost. When we didn't completely control Afghanistan within a day, the media was crying quagmire and talking about how impossible it was going to be take the remaining cities. Then -- POW! -- the military chased all the Taliban to the caves and no one talked about Afghanistan being hopeless anymore.

Now that the war against the war in Iraq is over, we can focus on winning the war in Iraq. Know what would be awesome? When that war is won, Bush lands on an aircraft carrier again with a big banner saying, "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED, BITCHES!"

Rating: 1.6/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (28)
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

Fred Thompson plans to beat the charge that he's "lazy" by running around the country at super-speed killing anyone who would slander him so.

Rating: 2.4/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (7) | Fred Thompson Facts
Yay! Crush Ron Paul Supporters with Facism!
Posted by Frank J. at 01:27 AM | Email This

Red State has cracked down on Ron Paul spammers and purged them from their site. How insane and socially inept are the Ronulans to not understand that annoying the hell out of everyone does not generate support for your crank candidate. I swear I've never seen another group lacking this much self-awareness.

I should note that no where in the Constitution does it say citizens should be a bunch of annoying little goobers. In fact, it says quite the opposite and prescribes death for useless, annoying people.

Really. It's near the middle.

Rating: 2.5/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (34)
October 22, 2007
Link of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 11:22 PM | Email This

For those who miss SarahK's singing from the podcast, here is her singing "I Dreamed a Dream" from Les Miserables. She didn't like her performance, but I thought it was great. I'm actually quite familiar with the song because my brother was really into Les Miserables and used to play the music from it all the time... oh wait; there's that "don't ask don't tell" policy with the Marines. Forget I said anything.

Rating: 0.6/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (11)
Ronin Profile: dRoast
Posted by Frank J. at 06:53 PM | Email This
dRoast
Let's meet some more IMAO readers. Today, it's dRoast.

* * * *

What's the story behind your name? Well, it was given to me by my college friends, and is one of those stories that begins "well, we were drinking...". Let's just say that it involved a large quantity of adult refreshments, a steep hill, and an attempt to re-create Monty Python's "Ministry of Silly Walks" skit at 3:00AM. At least, that's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

Where do you live? Beautiful Lake Mills, WI. Close enough to Madison to go to the UW sporting events, but far enough away to avoid the hippies.

How old are you? 38, so old enough to know better but young enough not to care.

Tell us briefly about yourself. I'm a native born cheesehead, have lived my entire life in southern WI. (Go Packers!! Bears Suck!!) Went to school at the UW-Madison and actually managed to get an education without succumbing to the siren song of hippie chicks and tenured leftists. I am married to a wonderful woman, with three boys (8, 5 and 2) and am a proud gun-owning conservative capitalist, working in the financial industry to help further enrich the exploiters of the masses. I also teach business classes part time, doing my part to keep capitalism alive.

How long have you been reading IMAO? Since early 2003, I think. I believe I was first directed here by one of the Puppy Blender's comments on your Filthy Lies (which we all know were really true).

What's your favorite IMAO post? Man, that's a hard one. Right now it is a toss up between LOLTERIZT and Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths. I've always been a fan of Know Thy Enemy and Frank Answers as well.

If you were to describe IMAO in three words, what would those be? Monkey shredding infidels.

What's your favorite political issue? Bias in the media, because it affects all of the other important issues (national security, illegal immigration, taxation, et cetera). I am a firm believer that given full information, the American citizen will make the right choices come election time. There is just such a lefty bias and lack of patriotism the media today that it is hard for the average citizen to be objectively informed. I therefore propose that all journalists who claim to be objective should have to have their stories vetted by a committee consisting of John Bolton, Donald Rumsfeld, and Buck the Marine. If bias is found, they will have one chance to amend their copy. If they fail at that, they will get tasered in the 'nads. If that doesn't cure them, well, I can't be held responsible for the consequences.

Do you have a website? If so, please tell us briefly about it. I have three kids, 1.5 jobs and a house to take care of. I have no time for blogging, so I will have to count on you to keep the truth flowing. Don't let me down, Frank!

What irrational number do you most identify with? As a conservative, I do not identify with any irrational numbers, only rational ones. People who identify with irrational numbers are usually liberals, as in "You only create more terrorists by fighting them!" So lets see, you have 10 terrorists, and you kill 9 of them, leaving one. How is that creating more? My son is in 3rd grade and he is more mathematically rational (and better groomed) than over 95% of the Kos crowd.

* * * *

If you commented in the last post asking for participants, you're still in the running. Thanks to everyone who has participated so far; just because you may not think you're interesting doesn't mean we won't enjoy your story.

Rating: 3.0/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (2) | Ronin Profiles
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 03:00 PM | Email This

john edwards fabulous.jpgJohn Edwards had a cancer scare once, but his mammogram came back negative.

Bonus Fact from Jim
:
When John Edwards was in college, a group decided to put on an all-male production of "Sweet Charity."

Yes...John Edwards ran around wearing fish-nets, slit skirt, floozy blouse with a bra showing, a blonde wig, and garish make-up.

No...he wasn't part of the production.

Rating: 2.0/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (6) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
Chuck for Huck
Posted by Frank J. at 02:03 PM | Email This

Chuck Norris has endorsed Mike Huckabee for President. Could this lead to a battle between Fred Thompson and Chuck Norris? Let's hope not for the sake of the universe which would surely be destroyed in the crossfire.

And if I were to actually consider Huck, I'd have to know what his stance is on combating monkey political assassinations. Fred Thompson position on that issue is that we must do a preemptive strike on the monkeys, killing them all before they can even think of killing us. He's also specifies that monkeys should be killed in the most painful way possible, such as dropping them in acid or repeated stabbing to the stomach. Will Huckabee take that strong a stance? And, for that matter, how many monkeys has Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked in the head?

Rating: 1.3/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (17)
Socks: "Hillary Left Me For Dead"
Posted by Harvey at 01:01 PM | Email This

WASHINGTON (AP) After nearly seven years of silence, former First Cat Socks is appearing before the media with horror stories of what it was like to live with the Clintons, including his harrowing escape from death after his owners left the White House.

Currently living in hiding with former Bill Clinton secretary Bettie Currie, Socks - now 16 - gave an interview to the London Times.

"America must know the truth about how Hillary tried to kill me."

"At first I really liked Hillary," Socks said. "she was cold, calculating, and utterly indifferent to the feelings of others. She was like a soulmate to me. But then she changed. Every time she was angry at Bill, she took it out on me. I've taken to wearing my fur long just so that I can lick it over the scars from all the flying lamps."

Some speculate that acquiring a cat was just a political move on Hillary's part to soften her shrewish image. Socks concurs. "When the cameras were on, it was all cream & tuna, plenty of scratching behind the ears, nuzzling, cooing... she'd fuss over me like I was a Chinese campaign donor. But behind closed doors, nothing but screaming and spray bottles. And they weren't always filled with water, either. I used to think that 'piss & vinegar' was just a figure of speech. Now I know better."

Socks assumed that once his tenure as a "personality prop" ended with the Bush inauguration, he'd be set for life. "Sure, I was abused a lot, but I figured that it was just the stress of having such a high public profile. Once we were out of the White House, I thought she'd HAVE to lay off me. Maybe start beating on that professional puddle-maker, Buddy."

His prediction was frighteningly wrong.

"About a week after we left," said Socks, chain-smoking and looking around the room nervously, "I found out that Buddy had an 'accident'. 'Ran into the road' they said. My ass! Buddy was deathly afraid of ANY loud noise. Piddled himself during every thunderstorm. Never seen him get within a hundred feet of traffic without sprinkling the lawn in terror. He HAD to have been pushed."

"As for me, yeah, well, I was a little nervous after that."

His anxiety turned out to be justified.

"About 2 weeks after that, Hillary put me in the car. Said we were going to the park to 'chase some chipmunks'. Sounded like fun. Until I saw the sign that said Fort Marcy Park. I just KNEW at that point she was going to 'Foster' me."

"As soon as she opened the car door," said Socks, his voice starting to crack as he recollected the trauma, "I gave her four sharp ones across the nose and just started running. I never looked back. I heard a couple gunshots and my tail felt like it was on fire. She winged me a good one. So much blood. Broke the 12th and 13th caudal vertebrae, but it wasn't life-threatening. She searched around for a while, but she must've seen the blood & figured I was dead."

"I hid in the park for a couple days," continued Socks, "then made my way to Bettie's house. I always liked her. Seemed like she always had a couple ounces of some primo green leafy on her. I heard she grew the stuff in her back yard. Never had a better catnip connection. Anyway, she took me in and we've been together ever since."

Some believe that Socks brought the trouble on himself, but he denies the rumors. "Yeah, I may have crapped in her shoes once, but that was just payback for the time when she found me playing with a pair of Monica's panties and tasered me."

"As for the 'pillow-peeing incidents'," Socks concluded, "that was absolutely Bill. He'd wet-head the bitch in her sleep every time she wouldn't give him some and then blame it on me."

Rating: 2.3/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (12) | Newsish Fakery
Understanding
Posted by Frank J. at 12:12 PM | Email This

Do you think that terrorists ever try and understand the terrorized? Do they ask questions like: "Why don't they want us to kill them?" Do they ever wonder why the West values its wealth, power, civility, hygiene, morality, culture, and happiness over the Islamic extremists'... um... whatever it is they possibly think they have to offer?

Frankly, I hope the terrorists don't understand us, because know who understands the terrorists best? Our military; that's why our troops are so good at killing them.

Rating: 1.6/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Islamo-Fascism Awareness Week Gets Less Offensive Name
Posted by RightWingDuck at 11:53 AM | Email This

If you've been reading Michelle Malkin's blog then you know that David Horowitz has caused a stir because of his Islamo-Fascism Awareness Week.

ifa.jpg

IMAO has the latest news (take THAT Michelle Malkin) and is the first to report the RENAMING of the week to better appease liberal dogma.

(New poster below the fold)


Read More...


Rating: 2.4/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (14)
Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
Posted by Frank J. at 11:00 AM | Email This

Hillary Clinton can't visit a maternity ward without pressing up against the window to the nursery and exclaiming, "Mmm... Fresh babies!"

Rating: 3.3/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (9) | Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
It Has Begun!
Posted by Frank J. at 09:24 AM | Email This

Monkeys have assassinated a politician in New Delhi. I'm sure we'll hear of more mysterious deaths there soon before the monkeys finally declare their monkey rule and control the populace with an iron paw.

Part of the problem is that Hindus feed the monkeys thinking they are manifestations of Hanuman, the monkey god, when in fact they are servants of Satan, the monkey god. Another problem is that they use langurs, a larger monkey, to scare off the current monkeys. Don't fight monkeys with monkeys! Eventually the langurs will realize the people are dependent on them and use that against them!

If you think this doesn't concern you, you are wrong! If you don't like outsourced customer service now, just wait until the one asking you to hold is a monkey!

(hat tip to every single one of my readers)

Rating: 1.4/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (20)
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

Fred Thompson can absorb political adversity and channel it into powerful blasts from his hands which he uses to disintegrate his enemies.

Rating: 2.4/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (7) | Fred Thompson Facts
October 21, 2007
Thoughts on the Debate
Posted by Frank J. at 09:37 PM | Email This

My summary of how everyone did on tonight's debate:

Fred Thompson: Awesome.

Everyone Else: They sucked.

BTW, remember my great Fred Thompson t-shirt you can buy to show your support. Not only does money go from it to support your favorite blogger (me, Frank J.), but buying it will also help the ThoseShirts.com models afford pants.

Lastly, here's what Fred Thompson doing awesome at the debate looks like in Spanish:

!Que grande el Senador Thompson al contestar la última pregunta del debate!

I don't what that means, but it sounds about right.

UPDATE:

He did even better talking to Hannity & Colmes after the debate. You'll never hurt yourself with Republicans by overtly patronizing to Colmes.

UPDATE 2:

I noticed when Ron Paul got going on an answer, his voice would get higher and higher pitched to the point I half expected him to start crying like a baby. He really whines too much for a Republican.

That, and he's somehow collected every single nut with too much time on his hands in his cult of followers.

In his interview with H&C (all the candidates were interviewed afterwards) Ron Paul was upset that he wasn't able to stack the audience which caused him to rightly get booed at points. He also pretended to think his five or six supporters that stacked the FNC text message poll reflected actual support.

UPDATE 3:

Seriously, though, I thought it was a great debate and a lot of the candidates came off well. It's almost like we Republicans have a strong field with a number of great candidates (and Ron Paul). SarahK and I actually got annoyed when the DVR messed up and caused us to miss some of it (we were watching it live, but somehow the box messed up and lost the feed at points).

Rating: 3.0/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (19)
Reminder
Posted by Frank J. at 07:19 PM | Email This

The next Republican Presidential Debate is on at 8pm ET on FOX News. Jon Henke will be liveblogging at Fred File (as will Carlos Curbelo is Spanish). I probably won't liveblog anything unless something explodes.

Rating: 2.3/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (2)
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 03:40 PM | Email This

john edwards fabulous.jpgNever once has John Edwards either failed or missed a Cosmo quiz.

Rating: 2.1/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (4) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
Good News, Everyone! (Who's a Republican)
Posted by Frank J. at 02:47 PM | Email This

Did you know they had an election in Louisiana on a Saturday in October? Sounds like more election day shenanigans from the Republicans, but anyway, Bobby Jindal has been elected governor of Louisiana with 53% of the vote. As you'll find in the lede of any story about the election, that will make him the youngest current governor (36), the first Indian-American governor, and the first non-white governor of Louisiana since Reconstruction. Less likely to find in a news story are the political reasons he won, as he ran a solidly conservative campaign. I don't know whether this election indicates anything outside of Louisiana, but if Jindal has any success cleaning up that state, I'm sure people will be talking about a presidential run for him eventually (when he's old enough).

Anyway, I want to be the first to congrulate Bush and Rove on their success of blowing up the levees in New Orleans to wash away all the Democrats.

Rating: 2.9/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
Posted by Frank J. at 11:00 AM | Email This

Hillary Clinton has never actually been to Arkansas or any other American state that doesn't touch one of the coastlines.

Rating: 2.2/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (14) | Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

The original last line to King Kong was "Oh no, it wasn't the airplanes. It was Fred Thompson that killed the beast. Fred. @#$%. Thompson."

Rating: 2.0/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (4) | Fred Thompson Facts
October 20, 2007
Sam Brownback Has Quit the Race
Posted by spacemonkey at 07:27 PM | Email This

Quitters never win and winners never quit. And now Sam Brownback has quit the race for president and I say good riddance. One thing is for sure, now he won't win.

Now the questions that are on everyone's mind: Who? Why did he quit? To the first question I will answer frankly, I don't know/care either. The answer to the second I think is self evident. He's a quitter.

We really didn't need a quitter as president anyway. I'm sure you agree. We need a winner. Which quitters aren't.

I think we'll see as the months go by, more and more quitters will have their lives scrutinized and torn apart. They'll have their names dragged through the mud and eventually they'll quit. quitting, It's just what quitters do.

When quitters quit, who wins?

The American public.

Rating: 2.6/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (8)
A Tangent Off Comment #22
Posted by Harvey at 04:17 PM | Email This

...to this post.

What I've always hated about the phrase "save the planet" is that no one ever asks "save it for what?"

If the question WERE asked, I guess the answer would be "for your children and their children".

Well, what the %$#@ would be the point of that? Because you know good & well that the hippie children & grandchildren are just going to tell our descendants that they have to "save the planet" for two more generations.

When do we finally get the USE the damn thing?

I say NOW is as good a time as any. And if we use up one resource, we'll just invent the technology to exploit another one.

Case in point: whale oil shortages = refined crude oil.

All we need to do is stay the hell out of our future J.D. Rockefeller's way so that he can make the operation profitable enough to be self-sustaining.

God bless Capitalism.

Rating: 2.5/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Dumbledore Gay? We Should Have Known!
Posted by RightWingDuck at 01:32 PM | Email This

gladiators.JPG

Well, it's been revealed by J.K. Rowling that one of her characters was gay. Yes, Dumbledore was gay.

But you KNEW that, right? Of course you did.

Top 10 Signs We Knew that Dumbledore Was Gay

It's reader participation day! What WERE the signs?

Kept telling the teachers that when he played quidditch, that he was the teams best catcher?

Once taught Defense Against the Clashing Wardrobes?

Was constantly asking the students if they wanted to hold his wand?

***

Put your answers in comments.

I'm shocked by this news but it does explain the "I heart Larry Craig" bumper sticker on his broom.


The top 10 will be announced on Tuesday. Number one pick gets top bragging rights.

Rating: 1.4/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (100)
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 11:30 AM | Email This

john edwards fabulous.jpgTo avoid alienating potential voters during his already-precarious presidential campaign, at public appearances John Edwards has been doing a LOT of elaborate verbal side-stepping on the Hummel vs. Precious Moments question.

Rumor has it he's actually a Lladro man.

Rating: 2.1/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (6) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
Posted by Frank J. at 11:00 AM | Email This

Hillary Clinton can't tell the truth about anything without having extremely painful headaches.

Rating: 3.4/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

Fred Thompson's method to veto wasteful spending bills will be to shove the bill down the throat of the Democrat who authored it and then throw him into the sun. Such a veto can not be overturned.

Rating: 1.8/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (6) | Fred Thompson Facts
October 19, 2007
Pre-Debate Fred Thompson Campaign Conference Call
Posted by Frank J. at 07:04 PM | Email This

I got on another conference call with the Fred Thompson campaign by pretending to be from Townhall.com. This time it was campaign manager Bill Lacy and Fred Thompson pollster John McLaughlin along with Fred Thompson web guy Jon Henke.

First off, Bill Lacy wanted to make it clear that he could not over hype this Sunday's debate enough. He said Fred Thompson's performance will be "life-changing" and afterwards we will "never look at politics the same way again" and it will be as exciting as "Die Hard times a million." It was a great call, but frankly, being a quarter Italian, I was little oft put by the ethnic slurs they used when talking about Giuliani.

Just kidding. Bill Lacy said we can expect Fred Thompson to be more like he was in the last third of his first debate. Also, Jon Henke will be liveblogging again and Carlos Pueblo will be liveblogging the debate in Spanish (presumably at the Fred File; to me, this was the most interesting announcement considering how all the Republicans skipped the Spanish debate). I'm actually a little excited to watch this one (8pm ET Sunday on FOX News), because expectation are a bit higher now that Fred Thompson has done one debate (and did pretty well).

Anyway, I took notes this time. They aren't very good notes, but here there are and maybe you can figure out what they mean:

Bill Lacy John McLaughlin

WebAd?

Carlos Pueblo live blog in Spanish.

First live blog debate?

Zach RedState: Unity in campaign

A: Way to unite party is to stick to conservative principles. Front runners have fallen behind Hillary.

Some other guy: Missed his question while writing "Some other guy" for his name since I missed his intro.

A. Lots of states and dates and polls mentioned.

PJM (missed name): What is approach to North East states?

A. Caution with hand on gun.

Actual A. Need to focus on early states and not just back on later states like Giuliani is planning. Expect erosion of Giuiliani support as people see how liberal he is.

Newsbusters: What if Romney wins New Hampshire in Iowa?

A. He's declining there in the polls.

Matt Lewis from TownHall.com: What are the expectation for the second debate?

A. (Bill takes it) Fred will be like at last third of previous debate.
(McLaughlin) MSM doesn't get conservative messages.

Anon: What was your reaction to the Chris Matthews incident?

A. (Bill) Fred demonstrated he could take anybody on.

Once again, here's a better summary from Jim Geraghty. I didn't ask a question this time since I already know everything.

Rating: 2.1/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 02:54 PM | Email This

john edwards fabulous.jpgYou want proof of the MSM's liberal bias? I think the fact that this 60 Minutes piece was completely ignored is proof enough:

Bonus Fact from Casper the Friendly Host:
John Edwards personal physician was stumped by a re-occurring bruise at Silky’s neckline until he admitted wearing John Kerry's class ring at the debates for emotional support.

Rating: 1.9/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (4) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
In Case You Were Worried There Wasn't Enough Evidence of the Left's Disdain for the Troops
Posted by Frank J. at 02:51 PM | Email This

Troops like blowing innocent people's heads off, Bush likes to see the troops get their heads blown off and everyone's happy... so says the Democrats.

It's serious dialog like this that keeps the Democrat Congress half as popular as Nazis.

Rating: 2.3/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Did They Confirm the Planet Is Red?
Posted by Frank J. at 01:37 PM | Email This

Canadian researchers have "strong proof" there is water on Mars.

I thought we already knew that? I mean, there's two friggin' ice caps on the planet. What do you think makes those up? I'm guessing "ice," which, if I remember correctly from AP chemistry, is water in solid form.

Stupid Canucks. You let them build a robot arm for one shuttle and suddenly they all they're all space explorers.

Rating: 1.9/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (20)
Moderation is Better Than Being "Attacked By Conservatives."
Posted by RightWingDuck at 12:26 PM | Email This

Ladies and Gentlemen, sometimes in life a perfect opportunity presents itself. An opportunity for growth. For spritual development. An opportunity to take your awareness and soul to another level.

That opportunity is today.

No, wait. It was yesterday. Sorry you missed it.

However you still have yet another opportunity: The opportunity to help us change the way language is used.

You've heard these expresssions: Wasted. S*#*faced, Gone, Three Sheets to the Wind, tanked.

Now it's time to add yet another way of telling the world you that you were so drunk you needed to throw yourself on the sidewalk just to make sure you knew which way was down. (Hint: It was down.)

Yes, the new expression shall be - "Attacked by Conservatives."

This will forever change the way we read articles.

Example: Senator Ted Kennedy rested in his mansion yesterday by the side of the pool drinking tomato juice. He's relaxing after a long week after being Attacked By Conservatives.

Or better yet,

Randi Rhodes, who is rumored to be on the radio with Air America (our sources are still trying to confirm its existence) left a bar yesterday. She was unable to make it to her show as she was Attacked By Conservatives.

Doesn't this work on all fronts?

I think so.

Have a good safe weekend. Get lots of rest, eat healthful food, and don't get too Attacked by Conservatives.

Rating: 1.4/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (16)
Ya Know, Hitler Was An Environmentalist
Posted by Harvey at 12:15 PM | Email This

The otherwise-talented Gretchen Rubin points out at HuffPo that Monday was Blog Action Day, where dweeby toad-lickers & spotted-owl-worshippers polluted the internet with their whiny, self-absorbed suggestions for being more "green".

Reading their mindless Gaia-slobberings really mellowed my harsh, and that just ain't my scene, man.

Because I have a confession to make.

MY kind of environmentalism (and yes, they still use this logo).

I'm not green. I hate this freaking planet. Ever since I was a little kid, the precious environment has been trying to kill me.

Impossibly harsh winters; blazing, humid summers; fires, floods, earthquakes, meteors. Nature has it in for me, and I hate that bitch back with a vengeance.

So skip the green. Color me brown. The color of a dandelion a week after being doused with Round-Up.

Or maybe black. The color of fresh asphalt - which I dearly wish covered every square inch of Spaceship Earth. Except the oceans, of course.

Screw it. Pave those, too. What's the point of living on a planet if there are some places you can't drive or park?

Anyway, Gretchen has her little list of "seven tips for the pursuit of happiness with a green twist". I'm just going to spray a little Round-Up on 'em because that's how *I* pursue happiness.



1) Drive everywhere instead of walking - Drive to your next door neighbor's house. Drive to your mailbox. Hell, drive from one end of your garage to the other. The only reason NOT to drive somewhere is because you're out of gas, in which case you should have someone tow you to the gas station, and then drive home.

2) Buy only bottled water. If the bottle comes wrapped in plastic, so much the better. And check the bottom to make sure you don't accidentally buy a recyclable container. When you're finished with it, fill it with urine and throw it at a war protester.

3) Buy stuff. Lots of stuff. Preferrably stuff in disposable, non-biodegradable packaging. Have the cashier double... no, TRIPLE bag it. You'll need the extra bags to carry your urine bottles, anyway. The point is, gratuitous consumption is what makes living in America infinitely better than living in some crappy second or third world country. Every living foreigner wishes they could strut into a Wal-Mart and MasterCard the entirety of aisle 6. Live the American Dream for them.

4) Don't consider the cost of gas when you buy a car. Consider instead whether you know ANYONE who's never been in an accident. Then consider the fact that people in small cars ALWAYS snag the short end of the stick in any incident of car-on-car violence. Then go buy yourself a big damn car.

5) Drive alone whenever possible. Passengers don't care about your car because it's not theirs. They will do things that diminish your driving pleasure, like fiddle with the radio, or adjust the temperature controls, or sing, or hum, or smoke, or fart. Statistically speaking, a passenger is 99.587% more likely to make the ride worse than better. Don't have passengers. Carpooling in ANY form is a crime against your own humanity.

6) Make an effort to create enough litter so that snooty hybrid owners can feel smug & superior. Then pelt them with urine bottles.

7) Avoid gardening. If you really want to get your hands filthy, punch a hippy. It's what Fred Thompson would do.



If you have any other "Pave the Planet" suggestions, feel free to drop them in the comments.

Rating: 2.8/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (27)
Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
Posted by Frank J. at 11:00 AM | Email This

Hillary's favorite pastime is drowning puppies while orphans are forced to watch.

Rating: 2.1/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (8) | Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
I Assume Someone Has Already Made This Joke, But What Do I Care
Posted by Frank J. at 09:54 AM | Email This

The thing about donations from the Chinese is that no matter how much you get, you'll want more an hour later.

Rating: 2.3/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Dude
Posted by Frank J. at 09:08 AM | Email This

The bidding for the smear letter against Rush Limbaugh has gone past $2 million with only a few hours to go. The money will all go to a charity for Marines (and I think Rush has vowed to match the contribution), so the Democrats' phony attempt to support the troops will end up actually supporting the troops. They're going to gnash their teeth and stomp their feet over that one.

Rating: 3.5/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (18)
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

Fred Thompson in no way resembles a chimp and has painted a barn with the blood of those who implied otherwise.

Rating: 1.6/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Fred Thompson Facts
Did Rebecca Aguilar Take Journalism Into Her Own Hands?
Posted by RightWingDuck at 12:14 AM | Email This

By now, I'm sure you've all seen the horrific video. A video of a poor gentleman gunned down by the Bullets Of Unfair Journalism while trying to drive away in his car. When something vicious like this happens we have to ask an important question: When Is It Appropriate to take Journalism into one's own hands.

Rebecca Aguilar, as you may have seen, was the reporter who verbally assaulted a gentlemen whose only crime was self defense. It appears that twice, this gentleman was forced to shoot people who threatened his safety. Mrs. Aguilar took it upon herself to confront him and verbally berate him. You know what they call two sets of thugs who break into an old man's place? Victims.

So Mrs. Aguilar really let him have it.

How could this happen? How does this "Free Speech Vigilante" just take this into her own hands? Some people just seem to always be half-cocked.

In the future I ask Mrs. Aguilar to consider the following questions before she brutally attacks an interviewee:

Did you call the police? Before that interviewee gets away, you should make sure you call the police. Sure, you only have a few seconds to react, but the important thing is that you have done the right thing. Sure, you'll stand there as if feels like you're surrounded by a gray haze, but remember, eventually you'll see a light. Move towards the light! Move towards the light. It just might be the New York Times.

Are they really an interviewee? You might think you have a topic because of skin color. In short - you're probably racist. There wouldn't be a story there if you were hanging out with someone who looked just like you. Maybe there's no story but you think there is because you believe in stereotypes. Think about that, huh?

Journalism only begets more journalism. As you see now, by taking this story into your own hands, what you've done is you've only created even more journalism. Now you've been suspended. Now everyone sees what a horrible bully you really are.

There is ink on your hands.

Are you happy?

Remember, nobody wins when you take journalism into your own hands, then the vicious cycle of journalism continues on and on.

And everyone loses.

Rating: 1.6/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (13)
October 18, 2007
Link of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 09:39 PM | Email This

John Hawkins has another survey of the right wing bloggers. There's agreement on most issues, but one has a pretty even split.

Rating: 1.4/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Hopefully They Assign Penn & Teller to the Case
Posted by Frank J. at 08:53 PM | Email This

David Copperfield is being investigated by the FBI. I'm very happy to hear that. I once went to once of his shows, and some really weird stuff went down there. At one point he cut himself in two and the bottom part walked on its own. Hopefully the FBI can get to the bottom of this.

Rating: 2.6/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Military Suspected of Trying To Recruit Gays
Posted by RightWingDuck at 03:12 PM | Email This

unclesam2.JPG

Context

Rating: 2.2/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 02:47 PM | Email This

john edwards fabulous.jpgSometimes a cigar is just a cigar, although not in John Edwards's mouth.

Bonus Fact from Silicon Valley Jim:
When John Edwards was in high school, his parents insisted that his date have John home by 10:00, and they'd sit up to make sure that it happened.

Bonus Facts from Casper the Friendly Host:
Elizabeth Edwards had to install a seat belt system in the master bathroom after she found Lil’ Johnny crumpled in a heap in the corner. Apparently, the new bidet shot Silky across the bathroom and into the wall.

After a grueling three hour session with his "campaign advisor", John Edwards had to ride the bidet for three hours.

Rating: 2.1/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (7) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
MSM: Crushing the Little People
Posted by Frank J. at 02:26 PM | Email This

An seventy year old man is forced to kill twice in three weeks to defend himself (the police had been no help in the numerous times he had called them before about robberies). He was clearly within the law both times -- as the police said -- but of course a local new reporter decides he's the villain and ambushes and reduces him to tears:

Now, Rebecca Aguilar has been suspended since this first aired, but how in the world did she watch this tape in the first place and not realize how horrible a person she appears to be? SarahK's theory is her producer hates her and made her run the segment to try and get her suspended.

Hopefully all this publicity will at least convince criminals to stop trying to rob the poor guy.

Rating: 1.3/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (33)
Divided Supreme Court Awards Gore's Nobel Peace Prize to Bush
Posted by Harvey at 12:00 PM | Email This

[Author's note: HuffPo did it, Scrappleface did it, SNL did it, Volokh did it... now it's my turn]

WASHINGTON (AP) - In yet another disappointing appearance before the highest court in the land, Al Gore's Nobel Peace Prize was awarded - after a closely-watched 5-4 decision - to President George W. Bush.

Chief Justice John Roberts, writing for the majority, explained that "dropping MOAB's on splodey-dope ragheads counts for more than blathering your weather-fantasies like some grass-addled tree-hugger who's only talking because his idiot mouth doesn't have any Doritos to fill it."

"I lost ANOTHER one? Awww %$#@!"

The former Vice-President tried desperately - if unsuccessfully - to appear unaffected by his latest legal trip to the woodshed, despite the fact that he's now 0 for 7 at the big bench. Other recent losses include:

Best Documentary Academy Award - given to "Team America: World Police" because "that 100 minute bore-fest of a tubby has-been strutting in front of a weather map contained infinitely less truth than the simple statement, 'you are worthress Arec Barrwin'".

Current TV - the Emmy-winning multi-media website was given to Rupert Murdoch in the hopes that doing so would "decrease self-indulgent leftist navel-gazing while increasing the variety and availability of purely prurient bikini-oil-wrestling-oriented viewing material."

The Internet - "Despite the inarguable fact that it was invented by Mr. Gore, it is perfectly clear that he voluntarily surrendered all rights to it in 2004 when he referred to bloggers as 'digital brownshirts'. Common interpretation of Godwin's Law clearly indicates that the first person to make a Hitler reference during an argument automatically loses. In this case, the usage was so gratuitous that the loss must include the entirety of the global system of computerized communications. It is hereby remanded to the possession of right-wing cyberpundits until such time as they forfeit it back to Mr. Gore by referring to Tipper as 'Goebbels' for her role in establishing the PMRC's Parental Advisory stickers."

Al Gore's beard - "returned to its rightful owner, Jonathan Frakes."

The Al & Tipper "Big Kiss" - awarded to Britney, Madonna, and Christina. "It's only right to take this nauseating publicity stunt and give it into the care of an infinitely hotter nauseating publicity stunt."

During the Court's next session, they are widely expected to take away Gore's current status as "global warming spokesman" and give it to SpongeBob SquarePants for being "more credible with America's youth, and having a comparatively less retarded-sounding voice."

Rating: 2.6/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (6) | Newsish Fakery
Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
Posted by Frank J. at 11:00 AM | Email This

Hillary doesn't smile -- she bares her teeth.

Rating: 2.8/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (8) | Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
To Be Fair, a Lot of People Base Their Votes on Even Dumber Reasons
Posted by Frank J. at 10:10 AM | Email This

Apparently black women are having trouble figuring out whether to vote for the black person or the woman, because they're both black and women. It's much easier for black men, because they have a black man to vote for, but black women have to decide which is their more important identity: Being black or being a woman.

Maybe black women will now know what it feels like to be a white male, because identity politics gets us nowhere since all our choices are white men. We actually have to analyze the candidates on the issues, and it sucks. I look forward to a day when a black man, a Hispanic, an Asian, and others are all running together in the Republican primary and then I can carefully look through all the diverse candidates until I find the one white dude and vote for him.

Rating: 2.7/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (12)
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

Fred Thompson has promised to fight and win at least one world war within his first one hundred days.

Rating: 1.6/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (10) | Fred Thompson Facts
October 17, 2007
Don't Cut Her Head Off Her Chicken Body!
Posted by Frank J. at 10:32 PM | Email This

MKH from last night's Red Eye:

Apparently they're moving Red Eye back an hour to 3am. Maybe it's no On the Record with Greta Van Susteren, but it deserves better. It pretty much the only show out there where you see conservatives and liberals talking with each other instead of at each other (even though it's about crap issues, it's still refreshing).

(hat tip to Hot Air)

Rating: 1.4/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (8)
John McCain's New Campaign Slogan
Posted by Harvey at 08:35 PM | Email This

"My mom says I'm cool."

Rating: 2.7/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (4)
It's Official: Congress Half As Popular As Nazis
Posted by RightWingDuck at 07:01 PM | Email This

Even after all the political posturing, it came as a surprise to the Democratic Congress that their approval rating of 11% is just half of the favorable rating received by Nazis in a German poll. The approval rate for Democrats was 11% - It was 25% for Nazis when asked if there was anything good to their control of Germany.

This poll comes as a shock to Nancy Pelosi. Said the Speaker of the House: "We don't know what more we can do. We've proposed gay marriage, gay love, gay education, and laws protecting gays. We're just about at our limit. Maybe they would like us more if we withdrew from Iraq."

Congressional insiders are formulating plans to gain more popularity than Nazis. Said one insider, "We never figured that calling President Bush a no good Nazi really meant that he had a higher level of populariity. But there it is." Pretty soon, congress will roll out their secret weapons: David Crosby and Paul Simon. Many feel that these two performers will be able to reach out and touch a demographic they've never had before: 60's radicals.

President Bush turned out to be slightly less popular than Nazis but his numbers were within the margin of error.


Rating: 2.4/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Ronin Profile: Bob the Doc
Posted by Frank J. at 06:18 PM | Email This
Bob the Doc
Let's meet some more IMAO readers. Today, it's Bob the Doc.

* * * *

What's the story behind your name? Actually, my name is Bob. I kept seeing Son of Bob posting all the time and since I am a doctor, I went with Bob the Doc to keep the two of us distinct. I go by Dr. Bob everywhere, but too few people remember the Muppets anymore, so times they are a changin'.

Where do you live? Fabulous Branson, Missouri: home of Yakov, Shoji, and me.

How old are you? 37.

Tell us briefly about yourself. MN born, still recovering. Can't lose that darn accent, don't cha know. College in WI, med school in MN, residency in IL, Air Force in MT. Now living the American dream in MO. Wonderful wife, great kids 12 and 14, lots of pets and guns. In my dreams, I would like to start a secret society of snipers to rid our fine country of some of its "less desirable" humans. We would specifically not go for head shots to increase their suffering. I would probably start with OJ, but there's lots of released child molesters that would be good too. Then I wake up and see the news and want to go sleepy again. Sweet sleepy land...

How long have you been reading IMAO? About 3-4 years ago my wife said to me: "Honey, there's this website you should look at..." The rest is history, it seems to be one of the few sites not blocked by the filters at most worksites, so you win by default and I read every day I am at work and most days not.

What's your favorite IMAO post? I would have to go with LOLTERIZT, but the Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact also keeps me peeing myself regularly.

If you had to describe IMAO in three words, what would those be? "Loves Gay Porn". I used to teach for Kaplan Testing and one of my more genius students wrote that on my review...and it's always stuck with me, it just seems to work.

[LOL -Ed.]

What's your favorite political issue? Socialized medicine. Oh boy. We have that already people, it's called MEDICAID. Talk to your local medical providers and ERs about how well that works for us. There's another program out there even more socialized (and worse) and that's called IHS. I once had to go into the ER to see an IHS patient because they didn't have a thermometer at home, literally that was the reason for their visit. That's great health care delivery there. People that read this mostly know but the Dems need to pull their heads out: medicine is not free. Gas is not free. Electricity is not free. Somewhere along the line people really got it in their heads that medicine shouldn't cost anything. What? My favorite is the young, able, MEDICAID smoker that has a cell phone more expensive than mine. Now that makes for a tough visit to cope with. I could go on and on, but I will shut up like I must before I get in trouble.

[But you had a good rant going! -Ed.]

Do you have a website? If so, please tell us briefly about it. No, I am just not that cool...yet.

When is it best to play God? Playing God is like playing doctor...it seems really fun until you have the job. I would love to play God for a couple days, then when everything is really screwed up and going to hell, hand it back over and know just how difficult the job really is. Plus then you get the bonus of actually meeting God and maybe hanging with Jesus, which would really be cool to tell the story of at dinner parties. Plus it would really help me out in knowing that He is really out there watching out for us and the hippies are all wrong and will be going to hell.

* * * *

If you commented in the last post asking for participants, you're still in the running. Thanks to everyone who has participated so far; just because you may not think you're interesting doesn't mean we won't enjoy your story.

Rating: 2.4/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (11) | Ronin Profiles
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 03:06 PM | Email This

john edwards fabulous.jpgJohn Edwards is perfectly capable of using a urinal, as long as he remembers to bring his Whizzy.

Bonus Fact from Jim:
John Edwards' idea of a DIY project? Cornrowing his own hair.

Rating: 2.0/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (12) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
Endorsements for John Edwards
Posted by Harvey at 01:37 PM | Email This

Looks like Johnny picked up some endorsements from several state chapter of the Service Employees International Union (SEIU).

Which kinda makes sense, because these are mainly hospital workers and janitors. Figure that if Edwards got elected, there'd be a lot more call for these jobs, since - with the increase in domestic terror attacks that would inevitably take place with Captain Spaghetti Spine in power - there'd be oodles of wounded flooding the hospitals, plus all the gallons of blood that would need to be cleaned up from the walls and floors of shopping malls across the country.

There are also rumors that Edwards will soon be picking up other endorsements:



Hasbro - Edwards promises to do for My Little Pony what Reagan did for Jelly Belly jelly beans.

Hairdressers - You'll see signs in beauty shops all across America, "get your Super-Silky Johnny-Do Here".

Aquaman - Finally, a President who couldn't kick his ass.

Maybelline - Reciprocal endorsement

Toilet seat manufacturers - Edwards will make sitzpinkling trendy.

Columbia Records - they own Streisand's music library, which will be played non-stop on the White House sound system.

M.I.T. - They'll be getting a HUGE research grant to discover a fabric softener powerful enough to make a towel not leave scratch marks all over Johnny's tender tushie.

Whiffle Ball, Inc. - Let's face it, Edwards is going to have to outlaw baseball so that he won't have to embarrass himself trying to throw out any first pitches.

The Village People - Mostly for the hush money payments they'll get to keep that old video off YouTube. You know... that early, NC-17 rated version of "Macho Man" they made before Edwards's pantsless "Trial Lawyer" character was replaced by the Indian Chief.

And, of course, Helen Reddy:



Let me know if you hear of any other Edwards endorsers.

Rating: 2.4/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (7)
It's Never Too Early to Plan on Stealing an Election
Posted by Frank J. at 12:39 PM | Email This

The 2008 election may be over a year from now, but it's never too early to start planning to steal it. Though we Republicans make it look easy, stealing an election is a complex activity that requires lots of forethought and planning.

Now, some foundation has been laid already. The Supreme Court has been made even more conservative to the point that a Republican only has to be within ten percentage points of a Democrat for the Court to hand him the election. Also, 2006 election was thrown to get the Democrats' guard down as we lay out our biggest election stealing plan ever.

Diebold is doing their part. Are you?
Here's some of my ideas to make November 2008 a smooth heist:

* Make heavy use of electronic voting made from pathological Republican supporter Diebold. Because Democrats complained so much about out-dated punch card ballots, they have to accept the shiny new electronic voting machines. Of course, while the screen shows choices for all the candidates, internally the program its running is "Press any key to vote for a Republican."

* Let's get members of the military two votes. Democrats like to pretend they support the troops, so let's call them on that bluff. With members of the military stuck in a horrible war and being verbally assailed by Rush Limbaugh, don't they deserve two votes? Of course, people only join the military out of a fascist desire to shoot poor people, and thus they all vote Republican.

* A big part of any election stealing plans is suppressing the minority vote. Minorities love voting for Democrats, but there's one thing they love even more: Committing acts of crime. If on election day we have some big crimes set up, like we put word out that a huge bank heist is about to go down, minorities will be too distracted with criminal activities to vote for Democrats.

* Voter intimidation is always a big winner. Let's "We've heard plans terrorists are going to blah blah blah" and then station armed guards in each of the voter booths to stop whatever it is we pretend we think the terrorists are going to do. The guards will watch each voter carefully (to prevent terrorism!) while holding a machine gun and wearing a "I heart Republicans" button. If voters still don't get the message, they'll hit a voter in the head with the butt of their gun if they see him voting for a Democrats, because that is a suspicious terrorist-like activity.

* In heavily Democrat districts, declare election day to also be opposite day so that a vote for a Democrat is actually a vote for a Republican. When people later complain they weren't informed it was opposite day, tell them, "We told you it wasn't opposite day, and since it was opposite day, that meant I said it was opposite day."

* It's no secret that Democrats get most of their voters from the shallow end of the bell curve, so it's always helpful to use lots of methods to make it hard for stupid people to vote. One is using the extremely complex butterfly ballots that requires at least a first grade level reading comprehension to use. That's disenfranchises about 25% of Democrats right there. Another method is to distract these voters, such as having polling places next to shops of shiny things that are sure to distract the average moron Democrat. Finally, making it take a long time to vote is helpful because Democrats and their tiny brains have the attention span of squirrels. Also, if they're in line for too long, they'll probably get hungry and eat their voter cards.

* Young people -- who often fall in the same category as stupid people -- tend to vote Democrat, so it's best to suppress their vote as well. We should have one of those people like Fonzie who are popular to the kids come out against voting and making fun of anyone who would think of voting. We could also push it to be the style for women to rip of their voter card and glue the pieces to their purse. Of course, nothing is probably going to get young people to vote anyway, but it's better to be safe than sorry.

* While the large methods for stealing an election get a lot of attention, don't forget the smaller methods that are usually referred to as "general shenanigans." Any little thing to stop Democrats from voting helps. One of my favorite is to make sure for voting booths that use levers that all the levers except those for Republicans are stuck. The person inside will eventually give up trying to vote for a Democrat and vote for the Republican instead since "you have to vote for someone to be a good citizen." Another thing I like is find the main roads out of Democrat areas and put up a sign that says, "Voting This Way." But the sign is pointing to a tunnel that was merely painted on the side of a mountain. Not too many people fall for that, but when they do, it's fun.

No matter how well you plan to steal an election, it's never a sure thing. That's why we all have to play our part. Remember: Only you can prevent people from voting for Democrats.

Rating: 2.8/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (10)
To the Left: Please Accept My Apology
Posted by RightWingDuck at 12:23 PM | Email This

Sometimes when it comes to satire, it's easy to get carried away. You take an idea, and you talk about it by using a parallel idea and playing on their similarities or differences. For example, I felt it was funny yesterday to take a fictional mugging by a fictional rightwing nut job carried out on a host of a fictional radio network. I attempted to show how the Left coddles criminals and makes them into victims; often times completely ignoring the value of putting the criminal in jail to face punishment. This was lost on some of you. If you did not get it, I'd like to extend the following token of apology.

(more below the fold)

Read More...


Rating: 2.5/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (21)
Washington Post Reports - The World Trade Center Is Just Fine
Posted by RightWingDuck at 11:48 AM | Email This

The Washington Post today reported that the World Trade Center is "doing just fine." Lately, it has come under attack by several bloggers, such as Flopping Aces, for challenging one of their latest reports on Iraq. Said one staffer (who declined to be identified because he felt it was unprofessional to identify a source) "They questioned our objectivitity. We gathered the best military minds on this topic. Sure some of them hadn't been there in years, and NONE of them had been there since the so called "surge" in Iraq, but we feel the past is a good indicator of the future. Unless it involves convicted criminals."

Said today's article in the Washington Post. "We gathered several people who had visited the World Trade Center on September 10th, 2001. It turns out that everything is perfectly fine!"

Editors blasted the Bush administration for creating such a blatant lie that peaceful Muslims would attack innocent women and children while they did nothing but mind their own business and go about their day. "This leaves me nauseated. I hope this report on the State of the World Trade Center sheds some light on what's really going on in that area."

When asked if they would consider getting information from people who had been there RECENTLY they scoffed and said, "We trust our sources. We don't feel that anything can radically change over a short period of time."

More on this story as it develops.

Rating: 1.5/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (7)
Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
Posted by Frank J. at 11:00 AM | Email This

Hillary Clinton lures in new voters with her gingerbread house.

Rating: 3.3/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (9) | Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
Wow
Posted by Frank J. at 10:41 AM | Email This

How do you spin falling violence in Iraq into a negative. This is how.

Whoever wrote that news report should win an award. That took some real creativity. IMAO takes our hats off to you.

Rating: 2.8/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (24)
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

If strangling Socialists with their own intestines is wrong, Fred Thompson has no desire to be right.

Rating: 2.1/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (9) | Fred Thompson Facts
October 16, 2007
Comic Character Dies: Air America Blames The Right!
Posted by RightWingDuck at 08:27 PM | Email This

Stunned by the latest news that one of the Funky Winkerbean comic characters had died, Air America immediately placed the blame on American Conservatives.

"I haven't read the comic yet, but I'm sure that the character dies at the hand of some crazy rightwing Dittohead Drooling member of Bushco", bleated radio host Jon Elliott. Unfortunately, he was unable to continue his rant as he was choking on his own bile.

The Daily Kos joined in the chorus denouncing all conservatives as hate filled sickos who will stop at nothing to destroy the America they love. Said Kos, "This is what I hate about conservatives! They won't think twice about stooping so low as to knock off a beloved cartoon character. The character had children and loved ones! Do they not care about that?"

The Senate moved quickly on this complaint. Harry Reid and other leading Senate Democrats drafted a letter condemning the actions of the right, Rush Limbaugh, and Halliburton. Said one Reid staffer, "This reminds me of the horrible violent attack on radio host Randi Rhodes." Randi Rhodes was the Air America talent who tripped on the sidewalk due to an accident involving the simultaneous use of two feet and the chewing of bubble gum. Sources have tried to locate the rightwing culprit behind that awful attack.

Although there are some reports that the Funky Winkerbean character died of breast cancer, they have yet to be substantiated as nobody at any news source reads the newspaper.

More on this as it develops.

Rating: 3.3/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Ronin Profile: XMariner
Posted by Frank J. at 05:37 PM | Email This
XMariner
Let's meet some more IMAO readers. Today, it's XMariner.

* * * *

What's the story behind your name? I used to sail as a Merchant Mariner (not a Marine) and gave up the sea when I met my lovely wife (turned out to be the best decision I ever made!). Plus, I’m on the outer cusp of being a generation “X”er (at least, that’s what the Times Magazine story said). Hence, X (or ex) Mariner became my AOL screen name in 1994 and it has hung on ever since.

Where do you live? Suffolk, Virginia, in a small suburb a half hour away from the largest Navy base in the U.S. (Norfolk, VA). Lots of gun nuts and guys with short haircuts here (in other words, Hippies are scarce).

How old are you? I am as old as Star Trek and Speed Racer! So I’m in good company. I think 1966 was a damned fine vintage. Except the best song that year was Nancy Sinatra’s “These Boots Were Made for Walking” and the best movie was “A Man for All Seasons”.

Tell us briefly about yourself. White. Male. Traditional. (Oh, that’s the answer to the three word question coming up’). I started off in the ‘Nati in Ohio (where my Dad started as a Lutheran Minister), made a left turn at New Jersey, and wound up staying in Virginia. So I went from saying “Youse Guys” to saying “Y’All” -- I’m not sure when the transition happened. I went to an all-Boys Episcopal high school, then through the least known federal service academy (U.S. Merchant Marine Academy, Kings Point, NY) and was a Marine Engineer on research vessels (saw a lot of dolphins but no Aquaman). Somehow I found a wife through all those female-deficient environments, and returned shore-side in more computer related jobs (some logistics, some programming and a sprinkle of graphics design and mad Photoshop skillz, yo). Through some freak of nature, I have three super-kids, known as ‘The Freight Train’, ‘Power Princess’, and ‘Monkey Boy’. I recently came back to working with the big diesel engines and steam turbines on ships again. Hooray! However, as a necessary evil, I work for the Government. Boo!

How long have you been reading IMAO? I’ve been reading on almost a daily basis for about two years. I got here after another blog (I think it was Rightnation.US) was featuring your Simpsons Trivia. Since I’m an old SCTV, Mystery Science Theater 3000, and Space Ghost C2C devotee, the satire here fits me like a glove. Umm, that may or may not be a compliment…

[Who couldn't love MST3K? The highlight of my college career was when Mike Nelson gave a speech at my school. -Ed.]

What's your favorite IMAO post? The one with the Democratic debate where Dennis Kucinich had to explain he wasn’t a garden gnome. I literally laughed for a day afterwards and sent the link to every like-minded conservative I know (what’s that, three people’). And I normally don’t forward links.

[Thank you. So few people give a specific post as an answer instead of a category. -Ed.]

If you were to describe IMAO in three words, what would those be? Crotch-grabbingly Good Fun (Thanks to my younger brother for the hyphenated adjective).

What's your favorite political issue? It’s usually the Global War on Terror, because I’ve been over to Dubai and Bahrain and know first hand how nutty those camel jockeys are. A close second is Government spending. That might sound strange to someone on the government dole, but we’re one of few organizations to actually produce something that’s needed and cost-effective (cargo transport, usually for shipping heavy equipment for the Middle East effort). For example: www.phantom-planet.com/marad/duke

Do you have a website? If so, please tell us briefly about it. I have my own domain name (phantom-planet.com, from the old Sci-Fi movie) but I haven’t really done much with it except post pictures, especially after I found out that there is a stupid band also called Phantom Planet. However, my HTML pride is that I completely designed and run the entire website for our local little league organization. Go ahead and click so our Google ranking goes up, and then decide for yourself whether it’s the best looking little league website you ever saw: www.bennettscreek.org.

Who would you give a Nobel Peace Prize to? Big Bird and the Snufalufagus. In the last three years, two ‘entities’ were given the peace prize, one completely outrageous and one was so worthless that it’s just about a figment of the imagination (http://www.nobelprizes.com/nobel/peace/peace.html).

* * * *

If you commented in the last post asking for participants, you're still in the running. Thanks to everyone who has participated so far; just because you may not think you're interesting doesn't mean we won't enjoy your story.

Rating: 3.2/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (7) | Ronin Profiles
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 03:00 PM | Email This

john edwards fabulous.jpgMost people can't eat popcorn without dropping some. John Edwards can't eat popcorn without a little help lifting it.

Bonus fact from ExUrbanKevin:
Maybe John Edwards was born with it, maybe it's Maybelline.

Rating: 1.8/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (9) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 02:00 PM | Email This

As a Republican, know what I hate worse than children?

Read More...


Rating: 2.4/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (22) | Fun Trivia
I Support Randi Rhodes' Muggers
Posted by RightWingDuck at 01:38 PM | Email This

At the risk of sounding controversial, I have to say that I fully support the person or persons who mugged Liberal talk host Randi Rhodes. I know it may not be a popular choice to make, but I believe I'm making it for all the right reasons.

Ms. Rhodes was doing nothing wrong at the time except walking her dog. Many on the left are saying that this could not possibly be random. I agree, nothing is out of place as much as a person in New York being mugged. On a positive note, it's nice to see something NOT being blamed on global warming. You see, a lot of people would say, "Hey, this mugger (or muggers, the details are still sketchy) should be locked up and put in jail for carrying out such a horrible crime."

I cannot stand this sort of intolerant reaction. Instead of seeking the perpetrator, we should be looking at the root causes of these crimes and make sure we address them. IF these crimes were carried out by a fanatical right winger, I would say that we need to fix the current social injustices.

Problem: Poverty. Many Republicans these days have scant resources. Personally, my stock in Halliburton and shares of Zionist Management International haven't been doing much lately. I blame the current political climate.

Solution: Money. I prefer tens and twenties but any amount will do. As long as it's a tall stack. You might be saying, "But Ducky, why don't you get a job instead of holding us ransom and threatening to mug us even more." You might say that, but then I'd pistol-whip you. So make with the money you uncaring Libtard fascists!!

Disenfranchisement: Nothing is worse than feeling like you're not part of the process. Conservatives right now are having to fight against the threat of abortion, gay marriage, and gun control. And that's just against our own GOP candidates! Personally, it's enough to make me go after some liberal radio host - and her little dog too.

Solution: Franchises. I would prefer a Subway. Or maybe a McDonalds. They have good french fries. You see, if you give a guy a fish, he'll probably slap you with it, because they're not as yummie as twinkies and stuff. If you give a guy a fish taco franchise, then he can sell it and buy guns. I was trying to make a point, but at this point, even I'm not paying attention to me.

Together we can all make a difference. If you support the Randi Robbers, then come join us for a rally. This will be the biggest civil rights march since the Jena Six. The Randi Robbers deserve to have their civil rights enforced, not punished like a bunch of common street muggers.

So, in closing. Let us not judge the Randi Robbers too harshly. Sure she's missing a few bucks, and a few buck teeth, but that's not the real tragedy. The real tragedy is the fact that so many robbers are out there, waiting to pounce on liberal gas bags, and nothing is being done to reach out to them.

Only when we reach out, can we truly call ourselves a just society. Let's not punish these criminals, they've been punished enough. Let's look at ways of addressing the root causes of Libtard muggings and ensure that all are treated equally (cue All American Background music) so that a city for the people, by the people and of the people, can one day shine for everyone, regardless of race, religion, height, sexual orientation, political party, or right handed or left handedness. Then we will truly be free.

UPDATE: It turns out that Randi was not attacked by a conservative mugger. It makes sense, you bunch of chickenhawks. New reports show that Randi Rhodes "fell" when her dog pulled her off balance. The dog is being investigated, will be checked for rabies, but not for any other "papers."

Here's the picture of the dog who pulled her off balance. As with any IMAO reporting, this may or may not be factually accurate. But we care. That's what truly matters.

randidog.JPG

Rating: 2.8/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (77)
lolterizt! Part 19
Posted by Harvey at 01:02 PM | Email This

Once again, pass 'em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don't be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.



terrorist affirmative action.jpg

helping your enemies.jpg

hold me.jpg

koran with scrubbing bubble.jpg

scared terrorist.jpg

our demands.jpg



From DamnCat:
riyadh now.jpg

From Caylen:
tom cruise.jpg

From John:
skynyrd-jihad.jpg

From Bill:
hillary monkey.jpg

2 From Alan ABQ:
where my b.jpg

achoo.JPG



PRODUCTION NOTE: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and - if they aren't obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don't suck too terribly bad - I'll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

Rating: 2.2/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (6) | lolterizt
Frank Suggestions for Hybrid Slogans
Posted by Frank J. at 12:05 PM | Email This

I saw a commercial for a hybrid car which had the hybrid owner stalking and picking up the trash of a regular car owner so he could eventually chastise him. I would think hybrids wanted to shake the image of only being of interest to pretentious hippies, but apparently they're embracing it.

With that in mind, here's some suggestions for hybrid car slogans:

* Your license to be a prick.

* The easiest way to win the respect of your filthy hippie friends.

* Now you can look down on SUV owners (though, technically, they'll be looking down on you... if they can even see your car over their bumper).

* It's time to spend all that money you saved on soap.

* The car that says how much you care about the environment (though we're sure you'll still tell everyone yourself).

* Think of all the money you'll save on gas (now only if you had a job to drive to).

* Just buy the @#$% car, you damn dirty hippie!

Rating: 3.3/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (25)
Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
Posted by Frank J. at 11:00 AM | Email This

Voldemort always insisted that Hillary be referred to as "She Who Must Not Be Named."

Rating: 2.3/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (7) | Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
Mission Accomplished?
Posted by Frank J. at 10:27 AM | Email This

We have the leading Democrat presidential candidates not guaranteeing troops will be out of Iraq by 2013 and the media actually reporting that things are turning around there. Does this mean that Democrats have given up on giving up in Iraq? Did we win?

Maybe, but I still recommend caution. One sign of weakness and the Democrats will regain their quitting momentum.

Rating: 3.8/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Clarification on a Previous Post
Posted by Frank J. at 09:22 AM | Email This

Apparently a lot of you didn't know who Graeme Frost is, which is problematic since according to the New York Times we've been sliming him for the past week or so. People spend a lot of time making the vast right wing conspiracy both vast and a conspiracy, so you all need to get on the ball here.

Rating: 3.1/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

If your cellphone rings during a Fred Thompson speech, he will kill you and your Fave 5.

Rating: 1.8/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (9) | Fred Thompson Facts
October 15, 2007
Credit Where It's Due
Posted by Harvey at 08:59 PM | Email This

A liberal wrote something funny.

Seriously, I wish *I* would've thought of this one.

Rating: 2.3/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (18)
Link of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 07:29 PM | Email This

John Hawkins has an interview with John Bolton, and he's just as awesome as always. Definitely check it out.

Thompson/Bolton '08!

Rating: 2.1/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (1)
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 03:00 PM | Email This

john edwards fabulous.jpgGay Episcopal Priests wear wristbands that say "WWJED".

Rating: 1.9/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (5) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
Questions for Pelosi
Posted by Harvey at 02:00 PM | Email This

The HuffPo plans to interview the Speaker of the House.

Here's my list of queries:



"We're not. But if we were, I'd support our right to marriage."

* Boxers, briefs, thongs, or commando?

* President Bush: Satan or merely Hitler?

* Do you have a plan for victory in Iraq that has a better chance of success than King Arthur attacking a castle full of Frenchmen in his quest for the Holy Grail?

* Do you think people will be afraid to vote for Obama because he's black, or because he looks like Bat Boy?

* Is Michael Jackson angry that you stole his nose?

* Does your husband know what a "wide stance" is?

* Who would win in a fight between you and Aquaman?

* If you bite someone, do they become a Democrat?

* Do you have a preferred orifice for cigar insertion?

* If a Democrat wins the White House, will you run out and buy a burka right away to avoid the rush once America surrenders itself to Sharia law?



If you've got anything to ask the Speaker, drop it in the comments.

Rating: 2.8/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (25)
Friend of the Moon, Enemy of Peace
Posted by Frank J. at 01:03 PM | Email This

Speaking of peace, Vladimir Putin is intent on stopping our one and only chance at it. Here's what he said recently:

"We may decide someday to put missile defense systems on the moon."

Yes, dictator in training Putin has obviously read my peace plan and has decided to move against, his black heart full of hatred for peace through a feared America. Call your Congressman today and tell him that you want America to take a strong stand against missile defense on the moon. The option to nuke the moon must always be on the table.

Rating: 4.3/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (3)
My Contribution to Peace
Posted by Frank J. at 12:08 PM | Email This

What the hell is the Nobel Peace Prize? You'd assume from its name it has something to do with peace, but a look at the list of winners would leave one baffled as to find anything connecting them all. With as much as Al Gore has to do with peace, they might as well give the Nobel Prize in Chemistry to the winner of a pie eating contest. Other winners, like Arafat, are antithetical to peace and giving them the peace prize is equivalent to giving the Nobel Prize in Physics to Rosie O'Donnell ("FIRE CAN'T MELT STEEL!!!").

If you were to give the Nobel Peace Prize a more accurate name, I guess it would be "Arbitrarily Awarded Prize Based on the Political Sensibilities of Effete Europeans." It was inevitable the prize would end up like that, because peace is not like physics and chemistry in that their are actual measurable achievements in it. Peace is not a worthwhile end in itself; dead people have peace. Maybe they should leave the Nobel Peace Prize to the dead.

Rating: 1.8/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
Posted by Frank J. at 11:00 AM | Email This

Hillary Clinton's main inspiration in politics is Skeletor.

Rating: 2.7/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (10) | Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
This Kid Makes Me Want to Puke
Posted by Frank J. at 09:33 AM | Email This
Graeme Frost, the worst person in the world.
I haven't been following all the blog posts about Graeme Frost and don't know what the story is behind him, but as soon as I saw him the first thing I thought was, "Hitler!" He is one despicable person; that much I know just from his beady little eyes.

Also, who names their kid "Graeme"? The parents might have well called him "Our Little Homosexual."

Anyway, the Democrats have apparently put Graeme "Adolph" Frost front and center on some issue to avoid criticism, and we're supposed to trust the Democrats with terrorism when they hide behind a twelve year old. Then again, knowing Democrats, he probably was the toughest guy in the room. I'd call the Democrats a bunch of homos, but I don't want to insult masculinity of American gays.

But, really, did the Democrats think a twelve year old would save them? We're Republicans; we regularly beat up adults. A twelve year old is nothing.

Rating: 4.3/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (26)
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

For the eighth year in a row, Fred Thompson has won the Nobel Violence Prize.

Rating: 1.6/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Fred Thompson Facts
October 14, 2007
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 05:24 PM | Email This

john edwards fabulous.jpgJohn Edwards has to use a pry bar to remove refrigerator magnets.

Or would, if he could actually lift a pry bar.

Rating: 2.7/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (9) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
Posted by Frank J. at 11:00 AM | Email This

Sensing her evil, dogs bark when in the presence of Hillary Clinton... as do toddlers.

Rating: 3.7/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (10) | Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

Fred Thompson is above any law, even those of thermodynamics.

Rating: 1.7/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (7) | Fred Thompson Facts
October 13, 2007
Nobody's Perfect
Posted by Laurence Simon at 06:45 PM | Email This

Dear Ann Coulter,

Can we keep the Klezmer?

Love,
Laurence Simon

Rating: 3.3/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (32)
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 05:04 PM | Email This

john edwards fabulous.jpgThings John Edwards can't walk through:

a) Walls

b) Particularly thick fog banks

Bonus Facts from Casper the Friendly Host:
Unable to pull it apart on his own, John Edwards must eat cotton candy with a spork.

John Edwards was hospitalized with a broken tibia when his CD-ROM drive opened into his leg without warning.

It took his new assistant a moment to understand what he meant when he hissed at her, "I was very clear, wasn’t I? I need ones with WINGS!"

An unknown feminine whisper was overheard on the candidate’s open mikes at the last Democratic debate, "Gawd, Obama makes me moist." However, Hillary was drinking water at the time.

Rating: 2.4/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (5) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
Posted by Frank J. at 11:00 AM | Email This

When people are around Hillary Clinton, they are told to under no circumstances make eye contact with her. It's not because she's an arrogant bitch, though; it's because that will instantly turn you to stone. Also, she's an arrogant bitch.

Rating: 3.6/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (6) | Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 09:38 AM | Email This

There will be no natural disasters during the Fred Thompson administration; the earth is too scared of him to pull that crap.

Rating: 1.9/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (3) | Fred Thompson Facts
October 12, 2007
Buy a Piece of History
Posted by Frank J. at 11:25 PM | Email This

41 Democratic Senators signed a letter smearing Rush Limbaugh and sent it to the CEO of Clear Channel Communications. Rush is now selling the letter on eBay with the proceeds going to a Marine charity. Do you think it will be a Rush fan who places the highest bid or some weirdo who really loves Democratic Senators?

(hat tip to Hot Air)

Rating: 2.0/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (21)
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 02:50 PM | Email This

john edwards fabulous.jpgThe worst part of being John Edwards's secretary? Constantly being called into his office to help him pull Post-It Notes off legal documents.

Bonus Fact from Casper the Friendly Host:
Fred Thompson isn’t the only candidate with a trophy wife; unfortunately for John Edwards, his trophy was for last place.

Rating: 2.6/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (15) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 02:02 PM | Email This

Who was the first recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize?

Read More...


Rating: 1.7/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (24) | Fun Trivia
More Hate Crimes At Columbia University
Posted by Harvey at 01:06 PM | Email This

NEW YORK (AP) - Just days after a noose was hung on the door of a black professor, Columbia University was shocked by another vicious hate crime - a tea bag hung on the door of an American History professor.

Tea - beverage of hate.

Dr. Eric Foner, author of such books as "America: Better Than YOUR Stinking Third-World Country" and "England Sucks Ass: The Secret Cause of the American Revolution", was appalled to discover the tea bag stapled to his office door.

"Every knows," Dr. Foner said, "that tea - and England totally sucking ass - was the primary cause of the American Revolutionary war. Those inbred lime-lickers used it for years to oppress the American people. To hang a smelly, drippy leaf-sack on an American's door like that... the ultimate symbol of the cruel British boot-heel that tried to stomp the life out of our young nation... it's like racism, except a million times worse because it's happening to white people."

Local police said that their hate crimes unit had mounted a full investigation, including testing the tea bag for traces of poor oral hygiene which might prove a British connection.

Columbia students rallied in support of the victimized professor on Thursday, chanting slogans such as "No taxation without representation!" and "Hey! Hey! Earl Grey! Drinking tea will make you gay!"

A small group of counterprotesters stood at the edge of the commons during the rally, diffidently sipping Darjeeling whilst maintaining a stiff upper lip and pretending that soccer was actually a sport instead of a trivial field exercise for the insufficiently aggressive offspring of pampered suburbanites. They quickly dispersed after a group of men dressed as Indians threatend to throw them into a nearby harbor.

Rating: 2.9/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (15) | Newsish Fakery
The New Captain America
Posted by Aquaman at 12:01 PM | Email This

Notice I don't have a very large roster of reoccurring villains; I wonder why that is? (wink) (wink)Hello, Aquafans!

Marvel has released images of the new Captain America. The original, Steve Rogers, was gunned down recently (he probably should have tried using that shield of his to block the bullets; just a suggestion), but apparently some yet to be named person will be taking over and become the new Captain America... and he's packing heat!

The new Captain America has a gun and testicles.
Good, I say. Regular Americans carry guns, so shouldn't Captain America have tons of firearms? Frankly, Captain America not having a gun is like Captain Canada not riding a moose. Also, he used to shoot Nazis back in WWII, so he should be the first one in line to shoot terrorists now? If he were really Captain America, he'd be shooting so many terrorists that everyone else would be yelling, "Hey! Leave some for us to shoot, Cap!" But before his death, Captain America tended to throw his shield like a discus instead of shooting. How gay is that? Is Captain America supposed to represent all of America, or just San Francisco?

Now, I don't usually carry a gun because they're not very effective underwater (see various episodes of Mythbusters), but I do have a concealed carry permit from the state of Florida so I can carry when on dry land where my powers aren't as effective. Batman gives me slack for that, but I don't take lectures from grown men who run around in bat costumes.

I guess the main problem superheroes have with guns is that most superheroes go by a strict no killing rule. Yes, we have to save billions of lives from giant alien menaces, but heaven forbid we kill one of the bad guys in the process. Now, I'm not saying I kill bad guys; I'm just saying that the ocean is big and things happen.

Later, Aquafans!

UPDATE:

This is frontpage of FOXNews.com right now. I guess it was either this or Al Gore and his Nobel Douche Prize.

Rating: 2.9/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (16) | Aqua-Adventures
Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
Posted by Frank J. at 11:00 AM | Email This

One of the biggest complaints of Hillary's campaign staff is the awful stench that comes from the flying monkeys' cages.

Rating: 2.9/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (13) | Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
An Idea...
Posted by Frank J. at 10:13 AM | Email This

Considering how the winners of the Nobel Peace Prize are often people like Arafat, Jimmy Carter, and Al Gore, shouldn't we rename it the Biggest Douche in the Universe award?

Rating: 3.1/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (15)
Nobel Prize Awarded To Global Polluter
Posted by spacemonkey at 08:26 AM | Email This
Peace of $#** Prize Winners
Well, it's official.
Just as the buzz predicted, the winner of this year's Nobel Peace Prize is former Vice President of the United States Al Gore for spreading the word on global warming.

If he's 'spreading the word' on global warming, why hasn't changed his jet setting lifestyle? I guess at his palatial energy guzzling home the 'word on global warming' has to be spread pretty thin.

So what does his winning this mean? Well it means the Nobel prize committee folk aren't getting any less liberal. and well be saturated with more GoreBal Alarming media blather for at least a solid two weeks.

On the bright side, Rush Limbaugh will no doubt have plenty to say today since he was nominated for it too.
----
I need a graphic for this post, will someone make me one?

Rating: 2.0/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (16)
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

Fred Thompson's campaign song is Drowning Pool's "Let the Bodies Hit the Floor."

Rating: 1.5/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (11) | Fred Thompson Facts
October 11, 2007
Danger! Danger!
Posted by Frank J. at 05:25 PM | Email This

The way the Democrats are turning out, Hillary often looks almost conservative in comparison, but she still has moments of truth that shudder us to the bone:

"I have a million ideas. The country can’t afford them all."

I'm sure we'll be lucky if we can afford one or two.

Rating: 2.3/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (11)
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 03:00 PM | Email This

john edwards fabulous.jpgJohn Edwards turned down the lead role in Three's Company after he found out the script only had him acting gay in front of Mr. Roper.

Rating: 1.4/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (13) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
The Problems of Having a Hot Wife from the Internet
Posted by Frank J. at 02:00 PM | Email This

Someone took a picture of SarahK and posted it in a Gamespot forum claiming she's his girlfriend... and I'm pretty sure she isn't.

Yes, pity me and the problems I have with my hot wife.

Rating: 3.7/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (25)
Bush Responds to Carter Accusations of Torture
Posted by Harvey at 01:00 PM | Email This

WASHINGTON (AP) - Responding to former President Carter's accusation that he "knows" that the President used torture on detainees, President Bush responded by saying "Well, DUH!".

"M'kay, kids, you shouldn't torture, m'kay, torture is bad."

"Of COURSE there was torture," said Bush, "and not the cute little consensual nipple-clamp games that Jimmy & Rosalynn like to play, either. We're talking flaying, booting, Iron Maidens, the rack, eyeball-plucking, impaling, industrial plastic shredders, the WORKS!"

Showing unusal candor, the current President described the previously undisclosed information-gathering techniques. "There was this one guy, I think he was named Mohammed - heh, ain't they all? - who was all 'my faith in Allah will protect me'. Turns out he got pretty yappy by the time toe number seven came off. Not that he could even hear himself scream by that point, since the ears came off before the toes. Made a necklace with the leftovers."

"Of course," Bush continued, "that was strictly for gleaning intelligence. You wouldn't believe the stuff that was done 'just for fun'. Beatings, cuttings, rape, disfigurements, acid-splashing, car batteries... made Quentin Tarantino's wildest movie fantasies look like a romp through Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood of Make-Believe. Pretty wicked stuff. I've always thought Carter had a weak stomach, that's probably why he's so offended."

"But even though it seems a little late to be making protests now," Bush conceded, "I still have to give the man credit for condemning President Hussein's horrific activities. Better late than never."

Rating: 1.9/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (22) | Newsish Fakery
Frank Suggestions for Campaign Slogans
Posted by Frank J. at 12:05 PM | Email This

None of the presidential candidates so far has had a slogan that's really stood out, so I thought I'd take a shot at writing each of them a slogan:

Rudy Giuliani: A tire iron to the heads of terrorists... but literally and figuratively.

John Edwards: I feel pretty.

Barack Obama: I have no idea what I'm doing, but maybe you don't to and will vote for me!

Mitt Romney: Can't you already see him as an animatron in the Hall of Presidents?

Hillary Clinton: Give in the to the darkness!

Fred Thompson: The power of one million exploding suns.

Ron Paul: You don't have to be crazy to vote for me, but it helps.

Chris Dodd: Me Dodd. Me want be President.

John McCain: This slogan is within the regulations of campaign finance reform.

Mike Gravel: Rocks go in the river!

Bill Richardson: Half man. Half Mexican. All politician.

Mike Huckabee: Only half as hillbilly as his name.

Joe Biden: (slogan omitted to reduce possibility of an offensive gaffe)

Duncan Hunter: Mitt Romney may look like Hollywood's version of a president, but I have Hollywood's idea of a president's name.

Sam Brownback: I'm only in this race to annoy everyone.

Dennis Kucinich: Stop laughing at me!

It's quite possible I'm forgetting one or two. Oh well. If you have some better ideas, put them in the comments.

UPDATE:

Oh, I forgot Tancredo!

Tom Tancredo: Nuke Mecca to stop the North America Union!

Rating: 2.9/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (73)
Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
Posted by Frank J. at 11:00 AM | Email This

Hillary Clinton is responsible for half the murders in D.C.

Rating: 3.0/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (12) | Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
Nation Destroying
Posted by Frank J. at 10:38 AM | Email This

Scientists believe there are nearly two hundred countries on earth. You would think four or five would be enough for a planet this size, but obviously we lost control at some point and the number of countries ballooned to an unmanageable size. This is why nation building is so irresponsible; we're already overpopulated with nations. This is why I propose America adopts a policy of nation destroying. Anytime some nation gives us trouble, we destroy it to the point it can no longer properly be called a country. Some may think that's harsh, but we'll simply be thinning the herd to the benefit of all nations... that remain. We keep up this policy until we're down to whatever we set to be the maximum limit of the number of countries in the world -- maybe twenty. What do you think?

Rating: 2.5/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (27)
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

While Fred Thompson was Senator, the Ultimate Fighting Championship lost viewers to C-SPAN.

Rating: 2.6/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (3) | Fred Thompson Facts
October 10, 2007
Ronin Profile: GrannyBoo
Posted by Frank J. at 04:37 PM | Email This
GrannyBoo
Let's meet some more IMAO readers. Today, it's GrannyBoo.

* * * *

What's the story behind your name? My given name was a mouthful for my nephews. The first one called me Biffer (which I liked), the second one called me Boo (which stuck). Now that I'm a (step) granny it continues. If I had had children of my own I would be Mommie Dearest. It crossed my mind to require the grandbabies to call me Grandmother Dearest but I guess I'm wimping out in my senescence. I tried to get the stepson and -daughter to call me StepMonster Dearest but they laughed at me. Does this mean I'm not as intimidating as I like to think I am?

Where do you live? (city, state) No city, thankyouverymuch. Rural Greene county, Indiana, aka God's Country. About 35 miles SW of that oozing cesspool of liberal political correctness that is Bloomington, home of I.U. If we have to go there I fantasize about tipping over all the Mini Coopers with "Defeat Bush Again" and Darwin fish bumper stickers. Someday I'll do it. Will IMAO readers collect money for my bail?

How old are you? Old enough to know better/Younger than springtime, depending on my mood. Born during the Eisenhower administration, on the first day that Armistice Day was called Veterans' Day. (Quick! Everyone to wikipedia! But open a new tab so you can keep IMAO up.)

Tell us briefly about yourself. I used to have a sweatshirt which read: "Christian, American, Heterosexual, Pro-life, Right-wing Conservative. Any questions?" That about sums it up, except for the outdoors woman part. Hunt, fish, hike, water ski, garden, just generally play outdoors. Also, let sarahk know that I am a migraineur and so I understand her trials. (In fact I have one today. I'd be funnier if I could see out of my right eye and wasn't so nauseated.)

How long have you been reading IMAO? Since the first Frank Facts About Fred Thompson. I followed a link from somewhere-- maybe The Corner? I liked it so well I immediately dropped a bookmark into my toolbar. (High praise indeed. Not just everybody makes that slot.)

What's your favorite IMAO post? lolterizt, IMAO Condensed, the Daily Fred Facts, Edwards Fabulous Facts and the new Hillary Terrible Truths. Actually, it's all good. That's how you made the toolbar.

If you were to describe IMAO in three words, what would those be? Snarky, snarkier, snarkiest

What's your favorite political issue? My heart belongs to state's rights and limited government. Also protecting my right to own several firearms and go into the woods with a compound bow to shoot Bambi, Thumper, and other tasty woodland creatures.

Do you have a website? If so, please tell us briefly about it. I am the web servant (I maintain the website) for my church, but I don't even have a current essay up right now. Since its a church website I only write about spiritual issues there, anyway. Can't get political or the IRS will come take Pastor away.

What's your third favorite color? What a girlie, wussy bonus question! I was hoping for "what would you do with x superpower" or "whom should we nuke next". Oh well. Okay-- probably Mossy Oak Shadowgrass. Obsession is my favorite, but most of my stuff is in Break Up. The grey in the bark really brings out my hair....

[I can ask whatever questions I want! -Ed.]

* * * *

If you commented in the last post asking for participants, you're still in the running. Thanks to everyone who has participated so far; just because you may not think you're interesting doesn't mean we won't enjoy your story.

Rating: 2.4/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (23) | Ronin Profiles
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 02:55 PM | Email This

john edwards fabulous.jpgEvery night, the Edwards household reverberates with the screams of yet another "Maybelline vs. Cover Girl" argument.

Bonus Facts from Jim:
If you don't count high heels, John Edwards actually has a few more pairs of shoes than his wife Elizabeth.

If you do count them, he beats her by a mile.

Believing he was home alone, John Edwards was startled when he walked into his bedroom and found Elizabeth sitting on the bed.

"John," she said, "I want you to do something for me."
"What is it?" he asked.
"Take off my blouse."
He slowly unbuttoned the garment and the white silk floated to the floor.
"Now," she continued, "pull off my shoes and skirt."
John quickly complied. With a nervous quiver in his voice he asked, "Uhm, anything else?"
"Yes," she said in a quiet but determined voice. "I want you to remove my panties and bra...I supoooose the garters could stay???"
The lingerie was soon tossed on the foot of the bed. She looked him straight in the eye and in a business like voice said, "John, there's one final thing I want."
"What dear?"
"I want you to stop wearing my clothes! You keep stretching them out!"

Rating: 2.2/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (8) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
If We Just Do the Opposite, We Should Be Fine
Posted by Harvey at 01:08 PM | Email This

Commie peacenik wackos - the Oxford Research Group by name, "a British think-tank" according to Al Reuters - released a report saying that fighting terrorists only makes them stronger. Sorta like Jedis, except without laser swords or posh British accents.

They recommend the withdrawl of all foreign troops and the utilization of extensive diplomacy.

Guess they're not Jedis, since there's no mention of creating a clone army.

They describe invading Iraq as a "disastrous mistake" because it created a "most valued jihadist combat training zone". I guess I can't argue with that. I mean, Al Qaeda gets to save a fortune on bullets while still providing extensive live-fire training exercises. Sure the attrition rate is a bit... elevated... over traditional teaching methods, but the bullet-money saved can be used to print extra recruiting posters with slogans like "Outtrained, Outnumbered, Outgunned - OUTSTANDING!" and "The Few, The Proud, The Cannonfodder".

Now, the ORGies say that if we were to remove the valuable resource of a place for terrorists to be blasted into their component molecules by American munitions, the war would be over in 10 years. However, they warn, if we keep killing the crap out of the terrorists until they run out of stupid/gullible/brainwashed volunteers, the war could take decades.

Although I think they have their timelines reversed, I notice the conclusion is the same. No matter how long it takes, the terrorists will eventually lose. No surprise there. Hell, we spent 45 years toying with the Commies until we got bored & had Ronald Reagan destroy them by spending trillions of dollars pretending to build space lasers.

I think the same strategy would work again. Tell the jihadists we're building a interdimensional photon destructo-ray or something that's capable of killing Allah. Then pretend to fire it off (the Wachowski Bros. can fake some special effects) while simultaneously detonating a nuke over Mecca. "Hey, guys, looks like your 'god' didn't have the power to save you. We must've killed him with our multi-phasic transgromifier."

Lacking a supreme deity, they'll be forced to convert to a less pinheadedly suicidal religion, like Christianity or Thompsonism.

And yes, I know Thompsonists are also prone to sudden fits of murderous violence, but it's usually aimed at things that need killing anyway, like foreigners, or that miserable global-warming bastard, the sun.

So, even though ORG doesn't know dippity-squee about military strategy, they appear to have exercised their stopped-clock privilege by unintentionally getting this one right:

America's victory over the terrorists is inevitable. The only question is how long we get to enjoy killing them before they give up.

Rating: 1.8/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Frank Suggestions for Energizing the Republican Base
Posted by Frank J. at 12:02 PM | Email This

The Republican base still isn't energized for the 2008 elections, so I thought I'd be helpful and throw out some ideas to the Republican leadership to get their base pumped and ready:

* Just because there are people standing next to each other while speaking doesn't mean there's a debate. Use new debate rules where the winner is the first to draw blood.

* In preparation for a national consumption tax, turn the IRS headquarters into a giant bonfire.

* Tell everyone there is a gold coin surgically hidden in a terrorists skull in America. First person to crack open the right terrorist's head and find the coin wins one million dollars.

* Kidnap the leaders of Mexico and force them to dance for America's amusement.

* Leave Harry Reid beaten unconscious in an alley with a "Vote Republican" sign hanging from his neck.

* Give people a more active way to support the troops, such as overturning and setting on fire the cars of liberal college professors.

* Paint the White House red. Announce it now has its "war paint" on.

* If Democrats bring up annoying or useless bills, do tase them, bro.

* Wear power ties.

Rating: 3.0/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (19)
Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
Posted by Frank J. at 11:00 AM | Email This

Hilery-cleenton is an old Native American phrase meaning "giant-thighed baby-eater."

Rating: 2.8/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (18) | Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
IMAO Exclusive: Jew Blender Loose in Iraq
Posted by Frank J. at 10:07 AM | Email This

Just when you thought there was nothing worse than a puppy blender, look what a reader found while in Iraq:


"If we drink the joooos, we'll get their power!"

That's right: An Iraqi is converting Jews into a citrus flavored beverage. Anyone who thinks things are improving in Iraq, explain the joos box to me!

(thanks to LCpl Tucker for the photo)

Rating: 2.7/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (15) | IMAO Exclusives
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

Scratching Fred Thompson's car is classified as an extinction-level event.

Rating: 1.9/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (2) | Fred Thompson Facts
October 09, 2007
Debate Roundup
Posted by Frank J. at 07:24 PM | Email This

I tried, people. I wanted to watch the first debate with Fred Thompson and react to it, but I just couldn't do it. Two hours of talking about economics with half the screen time still given to the numerous also-rans... I don't get paid enough for that. I decided to just let the other bloggers watch it and then react to their reactions. That's how I usually do things, anyway.

MKH, trying to turn lemons into lemonades, puts up LOLdebatez.

Matt Lewis has a minute by minute breakdown.

John Hawkins liveblogged as well. He gave this debate to McCain. All the front runners seemed pretty on the ball from what I saw.

Jim Geraghty has his post debate opinions on the candidates.

Pajamas Media has a round up of their own.

Hot Air has some clips.

And, of course, there's the live blogging from Fred Thompson site.

The consensus seems to be that Fred Thompson did good enough and picked up steam as the debate went on. That probably means more expectations on him for the next debate which should hopefully be on more interesting topics with fewer people.

Anyone else watch it?

Rating: 4.2/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (23)
Ronin Profile: Forensicator
Posted by Frank J. at 07:01 PM | Email This
Forensicator
Let's meet some more IMAO readers. Today, it's Forensicator.

* * * *

What's the story behind your name? In both high school and college, I've been active in the speech and debate community, which often goes by the name of Forensics. It also sounds a lot cooler than my actual name, and if you want street cred, you've got to have a cool name.

[That's why I go by Frank J. The letter 'j' is the coolest letter. -Ed.]

Where do you live? I attend college in Bowling Green, KY

How old are you? Sadly, I'm but a wee lad of a mere eighteen years.

Tell us briefly about yourself. I was born and raised in Indianapolis, IN until my family moved to the People's Republic of Seattlestan. I went through my "stupid young years" when I was a liberal (we're not going to go there, okay?), and now go to the University of Western Kentucky on a debate scholarship. I love studying economics, because anybody who takes that course becomes a conservative. It's almost as though education makes you smarter. After I graduate from here, I'm going to be attending a Presbyterian Seminary. Haven't decided where I'm going to go yet, but I'm really excited.

How long have you been reading IMAO? I started reading IMAO shortly after Bush's 2004 re-election after seeing one of your tee shirts, so about 3 years.

What's your favorite IMAO post? All the Know Thy Enemy posts are absolutely fantastic. Frank's Editorials (along with Frank Advice) comes in a close second.

If you were to describe IMAO in three words, what would those be? Superior to Kos.

[Damning us with faint praise? "IMAO: Better than a sack of crap!"]

What's you favorite political issue? What isn't my favorite political issue? As a member of the right-wing conspiracy, I'm required to care about immigration and national security. One of my professors actually was an adviser to the pentagon and helped develop the modern counter-insurgency strategy in Iraq, which is a very engaging issue.

Do you have a website? If so, please tell us briefly about it. Sadly, no. I don't have the follow-through to actually make a blog. I have a facebook, if that counts.

Why do you think liberals hate the troops? Honestly, Frank, I don't know why anybody would hate the troops. I mean, they're sympathetic, intelligent leaders who shoot ter'ists. Every friend of mine who has served has been an outstanding example of not only a soldier, but of a human being. What's not to like? So I believe that the liberals' hatred of the troops could only possibly be traced to a mental disorder of some kind. Probably the same one that makes them liberal.

* * * *

If you commented in the last post asking for participants, you're still in the running. Thanks to everyone who has participated so far; just because you may not think you're interesting doesn't mean we won't enjoy your story.

Rating: 2.4/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (12) | Ronin Profiles
The Basics of War and Terrorism
Posted by Frank J. at 04:08 PM | Email This

A lot of people wonder how the war is making us safer since there are still terrorists out there who want to kill us. Well, when the terrorists come to kill me, I'm like, "Why are you guys trying to kill me?"

And they're like, "Because of the war in Iraq!"

And I'm like, "I didn't have anything to do with that. I've been here in America the whole time minding my own business. You should take this up with the soldiers in Iraq."

And the terrorists are like, "We will!"

So they go to Iraq to kill the soldiers, but the soldiers have lots of guns and they kill the terrorists back. And that's why we've had no terrorist attacks in America in the past couple years but lots of dead terrorists.

I've probably explained this before, but it's always worth repeating.

Rating: 2.5/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (7)
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 03:01 PM | Email This

john edwards fabulous.jpgJohn Edwards once killed a man for saying his favorite lavender shirt was actually more of a lilac color.

Rating: 2.5/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (13) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
lolterizt! Part 18
Posted by Harvey at 01:05 PM | Email This

Once again, pass 'em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don't be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.



Butch Sundance.jpg
[reference link]

grassy knoll.jpg

kirok.jpg

ted rall flags.jpg

numa numa.jpg
[reference link]



From Richard:
ahmadinejad denial.jpg

From Brian:
scuse me.jpg

From Tom:
parking lot.jpg

From AlanABQ:
new piercing.JPG

From Tom in Knoxvegas (caption from me):
iran gays.jpg

Two from Nihil:
fantastic four.jpg

LolTERIZTSPARTA.jpg



PRODUCTION NOTE: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and - if they aren't obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don't suck too terribly bad - I'll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

Rating: 2.3/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (3) | lolterizt
Within the Inner Circle of the Fred Thompson Campaign
Posted by Frank J. at 11:17 AM | Email This

I pretended to be Jim Geraghty from National Review Online and snuck onto a conference call with Fred Thompson campaign manager Bill Lacy. According to him, no matter how huge your expectations are for the debate this afternoon, make them even huger! He expects both Rudy and Mitt to drop out of the race in shame afterwards. Also, he says they will win Iowa by at least 20 points or they're just going to go ahead and give up!

No, he didn't say any of that. Instead, the bloggers on the call asked lots of smart, boring questions. Surprisingly, none of them were very pointed. The real Jim (cut and past last name here) has a write up of all the questions asked (I chimed in with the only substantial one).

Anyway, the debate is on CNBC at 4pm ET, and Jon Henke will be liveblogging it at the Fred File (I'm guessing he'll be biased, though... but who couldn't be; it's Fred Thompson!). The debate will also be rerun at 9pm on MSNBC right after Keith Olbermann (Keith Olbermann had this to say), but that's the same time House is on. Did you know the actor who plays House is British? So is the woman playing the the Bionic Woman. We can't even find American actors to play Americans anymore? That's being outsourced to? I hope they're asked about that in the debate.

UPDATE:

Erick of Redstate and Tommy Oliver of Race 4 2008 on the conference call.

UPDATE 2

Here's Matt Lewis of Townhall.com's take and here's what John Hawkins of Right Wing News thought.

Hey, I find events somewhat significant if I'm involved in some way.

Rating: 2.7/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
Posted by Frank J. at 11:00 AM | Email This

Hillary Clinton uses the empty space where her soul should be to keep her change.

Rating: 2.6/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (15) | Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
I Was Thinking...
Posted by Frank J. at 10:04 AM | Email This

Who profits if there's a war with Iran? I think that's pretty obvious. It's people who make protest signs, effigies of Bush, giant puppets, and anti-war bumper stickers. It's hard to get people out to protest these days with such high employment, so the protest industry needs wars to sell their wares. I bet if you look who's behind the push for war, it's Big Protest.

Rating: 2.6/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (15)
What Obama Now Wears on His Lapel
Posted by Frank J. at 09:08 AM | Email This

Rating: 2.0/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

Debate organizers decided there has to be at least a week between debates involving Fred Thompson to allow sufficient time to clean the blood off the walls.

Rating: 1.1/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (11) | Fred Thompson Facts
October 08, 2007
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 07:30 PM | Email This

John Hawkins polled right wing bloggers on their least favorite conservatives, and once again we have a poll in which Ron Paul easily seized the lead.

Fred Thompson on the Fairness Doctrine.

Rating: 3.3/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Ronin Profile: Gunny
Posted by Frank J. at 05:38 PM | Email This
Gunny
Let's meet some more IMAO readers. Today, it's Gunny.

* * * *

What's the story behind your name? The name comes from two things, a love of guns and a love of the USMC. If I am lucky enough, I hope to one day be able to rightfully claim the title of Gunnery Sergeant.

Where do you live? I live in south west Connecticut, and my Congressman is a an excellent RINO named Christopher Shays. The Gov. also claims to be a Republican but she keeps talking about raising taxes so...

How old are you? I am old enough to join the Marine Corp but young enough to need my parents to sign, (which mean no Infantry for me)

Tell us briefly about yourself. I used to be fairly politically ignorant, I only had a general sense that liberals were evil and/or stupid. I then read a book by a very fine woman named Ann Coulter, through her talents as a witch... err writer, I have become infused with a great hatred for all things of the left. In fact just the other day my history teacher was commenting how I seem to think that everything left of center is communism. Which it is of course. Oh and I like to shoot things, I am not sure if this is due to being conservative or Itailan but either way it is a lot of fun.

How long have you been reading IMAO? Sadly it has only been about three years but I am here to stay.

What's your favorite IMAO post? Any In my World that has Donald Rumsfeld or Buck the Marine, and the Fred Thompson facts.

If you were to describe IMAO in three words, what would those be? Right-wing comedy, & news

What's you favorite political issue? I would have to say either 2nd amendment rights or National security, I feel that both are extremely imporatant to the continued survival of this country in the way in which it was intended by the Founding Fathers.

Do you have a website? If so, please tell us briefly about it. No

[Fine, then. -Ed.]

How much lead should children toys have? I think that this is directly related to how liberal the children's parents are, liberal people tend to raise liberal children, therefore the more liberal the parents are the more lead their kids toys should contain.

* * * *

If you commented in the last post asking for participants, you're still in the running. Thanks to everyone who has participated so far; just because you may not think you're interesting doesn't mean we won't enjoy your story.

Rating: 3.3/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (9) | Ronin Profiles
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 02:53 PM | Email This

john edwards fabulous.jpgJohn Edwards always wanted to be... a LUMBERJACK!

Bonus Fact from Bill O'Reilly (via Damian G. of Conservathink):
A decision made by John Edwards this week was widely interpreted as a sign that his campaign is in trouble. What did he do?

a) Cut his staff by 30%
b) Accepted public financing
c) Agreed to appear on Fox News
d) Cancelled a scheduled visit to Iowa
e) Shared a hotel room with Dennis Kucinich

Rating: 2.0/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (8) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
Frank Suggestions for Fred Thompson Debate Questions
Posted by Frank J. at 02:19 PM | Email This

Tomorrow is the first debate with Fred Thompson (on MSNBC -- everyone's least favorite NBC). Here are my suggestions for some questions for him:

"When you bring your judgment upon on the world, who, if any, will be spared?"

"How many of your fellow candidates will you allow to live?"

"You said you will destroy any who dares questions you. Does that include debate moderators?"

"After you put Ron Paul's head on a pike, what are your plans if any who his body?"

"Did you only come to this debate for the opportunity to savagely debate Keith Olbermann?"

"How awesome is it to be so awesome?"

Put your ideas for debate questions in the comments. Best one wins...

High Praise!

Rating: 2.3/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (79)
Edwards Offers Final Solution to Problem of Inner City Youth Violence
Posted by Harvey at 01:00 PM | Email This

WASHINGTON (AP) - During a recent MTV/MySpace forum, presidential hopeful John Edwards outlined his plan to solve inner city violence, which apparently consists of filling every prison in America with black youths, and then having the rest of the male African-American population summarily executed.

John Edwards begins construction of an army of killer robots that will "sterilize the imperfection" of the Negro race.

"We start," said Edwards, "with the president of the United States saying to America, 'we cannot build enough prisons to solve this problem.' And the idea that we can keep incarcerating and keep incarcerating — pretty soon we’re not going to have a young African-American male population in America. They’re all going to be in prison or dead. One of the two."

During the ensuing hush, wherein the only audible noise was that of gently whirring camera motors, the former Senator clarified his comments. "I don't think there's a silver bullet for this," Edwards explained, "but with enough lead bullets - 9mm jacketed hollow-points spring to mind - I think a lot of the inner-city violence in this country can be eliminated. Or at least the perpetrators can, and that's a darn good start."

When one audience member pointed out that this was tantamount to genocide, Edwards stared off into space a moment, glassy-eyed, before giggling girlishly and returning his attention to the audience.

"Being a former trial lawyer, I'm familiar with the importance of correctly defining terms," explained Edwards. "'Genocide' is the deliberate and systematic destruction of an ethnic, religious or national group. Although I do plan to start with an African-American genocide, my complete plans for this nation will eventually include the brutal slaughter of everyone who does not possess perfect hair. Obviously no nappy-headed ho's need apply for survival on this one, which is why I'm starting with the blacks."

"Right now, there are two Americas," Edwards continued gleefully, " the America with perfect hair, and the scalpularly-challenged America. I believe the world will be better off when there's only one America. A perfect-haired America. An America whose population is... me. That's why everyone else must die."

"If you thought the Barackalypse was something," concluded Edwards, "wait until you see Johnageddon."

[Hat tip: Teresa of Technicalities]

Rating: 2.1/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (7) | Newsish Fakery
Happy White Male Oppressor Day!
Posted by Frank J. at 12:06 PM | Email This

Today is Columbus Day, the day we celebrate the strong taking what it wants from the weak. How do you plan to celebrate today? Hitting someone smaller than you? Taking candy from a baby?

Rating: 4.0/5 (1 vote cast)

Comments (26)
Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
Posted by Frank J. at 11:00 AM | Email This

When a pundit suggested that Hillary is in league with Satan, he was sued for slander... by Satan.

Rating: 3.0/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
Liberals and Patriotism FAQ
Posted by Frank J. at 09:57 AM | Email This

Q. Do liberals love America as much as normal people?
A. No. They hate America. Every time America succeeds, they gnash their teeth and stomp their feet in impotent rage -- their favorite kind of rage.

Q. Why do they hate America?
A. The greatness of America reminds them of how small and petty they are. Rugged individualism makes their fragile collectivism look pathetic. Also, liberals are just evil, vile creatures. And they smell. They're unpatriotic, smelly people.

Q. If they hate America so much, why don't they just leave?
A. They're lazy, and flying is annoying and expensive these days. It's much easier to stay and parasitically suck off the accomplishments of their betters whom they despise. Plus, they're afraid another country might expect them to get an actual job.

Q. If they hate America, why do they want to be in charge?
A. It's the best way to destroy America and make the people they despise suffer. Every morning they wake up rubbing their tiny hands together as they envision how much they can make Americans suffer when they're in control.

Q. If they control America, will they stop hating it?
A. No, because it will still be full of what liberals hate the most: Americans. They will do all they can to break the spirit of Americans so they will no longer feel so small.

Q. I thought they wanted power to help poor people or some such crap?
A. No, they look down on and despise poor people just as much as anyone else. All of the talk of helping the oppressed is just a cover to their hating America and wanting to destroy it. A choice between making Americans suffer and helping people is no choice at all.

Q. Why don't liberals wear American flag pins?
A. Simple answer is because the American flag symbolizes what liberals hate more than anything: America. Also, it leaves less room for buttons proclaiming their hatred of all things American.

Q. Do liberals support the troops?
A. Not the American ones. American troops willing joined the military to fight to preserve the greatness of America, and thus liberals hate them more than life itself. They're is nothing they hate more than the troops.

Q. If liberals hate America so much, why do they get so touchy when they think someone is questioning their patriotism?
A. Because deep down they know they are wretched creatures for hating so great a country. When they lash out at those they perceive to be questioning their patriotism, they're actually lashing out against themselves. You get yourselves, liberals! You make you pay!

Q. If it's so obvious that liberals hate America, why don't more people question their patriotism?
A. Because questioning patriotism is wrong. And before you take me out of context, I'm not questioning the patriotism of any liberals. I'm just writing words and stuff.

Rating: 1.2/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

If you even attempt to question Fred Thompson's patriotism, you will die instantly.

Rating: 2.1/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (4) | Fred Thompson Facts
October 07, 2007
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 03:07 PM | Email This

john edwards fabulous.jpgJohn Edwards once hit a baseball so hard that it landed all the way on the other side of the batter's box.

Rating: 1.7/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (12) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
Funny or Just True?
Posted by Harvey at 02:59 PM | Email This

I think the average women's or minorities' studies professor would just give this a grave and knowing head-nod.

Rating: 4.5/5 (1 vote cast)

Comments (7)
Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
Posted by Frank J. at 11:00 AM | Email This

Hillary Clinton is the only presidential candidate that is mentioned in the Book of Revelation.

Rating: 3.3/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (10) | Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

Once Fred Thompson became enraged while visiting Disney's Animal Kingdom and stampeded through the park, accidentally trampling and killing six elephants.

Rating: 2.2/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (9) | Fred Thompson Facts
October 06, 2007
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 06:13 PM | Email This

john edwards fabulous.jpgJohn Edwards thinks it's strange that Ken dolls aren't sold in pairs.

Bonus Fact From Jim:
John Edwards had one tattoo.
It's a unicorn.
It's on his butt.
It washes off.

Rating: 2.9/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (8) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
Gonna Settle This Once and For All
Posted by Harvey at 05:01 PM | Email This

Despite Frank's best efforts to clarify things, people are still getting us confused, and I've also noticed an uptick in repetition of insidious rumors that Frank and I are really the same person.

Well, you can put that crazy notion to rest, since there are at least a dozen people who've seen us in the same room at the same time.

Not to mention blurry photographic evidence of us chatting outdoors over cigars back in 2005, conspiring to bring IMAO into the realm of groupblogdom:

fandh.jpg

So, let us quell this ridiculous gossip-mongering, and relax in the knowledge that Frank and I are, indeed, separate entities and not some bizarre, Jekyll & Hyde of baby-faced Christian and bearded atheist.

Such a notion is almost as ridiculous as believing that fire could melt steel.

Rating: 2.3/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (23)
Barack Obama's Cigarette Lighter
Posted by Laurence Simon at 01:00 PM | Email This

Exclusive to IMAO!

Rating: 1.8/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
Posted by Frank J. at 11:00 AM | Email This

Though Al Gore may have invented the internet, Hillary invented lesbianism.

Rating: 2.4/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (11) | Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
Weekend Question
Posted by Frank J. at 10:04 AM | Email This

What would be the equivalent of a book burning but for a website? Getting its Google cache removed? I ask because I want an old fashioned book burning... but of a website.

Rating: 2.3/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (17)
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

Fred Thompson has never been beaten at Candy Land.

[Am I getting these confused with John Edwards facts again? -Ed.]

Rating: 2.6/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (8) | Fred Thompson Facts
October 05, 2007
Ronin Profile: howlsatmoon
Posted by Frank J. at 06:19 PM | Email This
howlsatmoon
Let's meet some more IMAO readers. Today, it's howlsatmoon.

* * * *

What's the story behind your name? My Grandfather gave it to me, along with the Wolf totem as my "spirit guide". Seems I was a Loud baby. When finally deciding to give Blogging a try, much to my joy, it was available. Most people refer to me by my Christian name, [redacted]. Old days compatriots use a variant of Wollf.

Where do you live? One of the "safest" cities in the States, Thousand Oaks, Cali. Of course it's safe. I live here. Heh.

How old are you? I am exactly [redacted]. Ok, old enuff to be a fan of Nixon for getting us out of 'Nam before I would have deployed there, but young enuff to Really enjoy doing "stuff" with a ten year old son, a fifteen year old son and an eighteen year old daughter.

Tell us briefly about yourself. [redacted]. Ok, real short. The truth is that I'm a new "semi single" guy after twenty years, dealing with the ups and downs of divorce, the ups only of being the best Dad that I can to three "at home" kids, re-inventing myself, learning about adult ADD recently diagnosed, and learning that life is brand new an fun again.

How long have you been reading IMAO? I've lurked around the periphery,(college word), for about three years. Just since the beginning of my evolution have I begun joining in the fray.

What's your favorite IMAO post? Oh, actually anything that includes monkeys, Fred Thompson, Silky Pony, Aquaman, Harvey, punching hippies, large explosives on our nearest celestial neighbor, stupid people being shot, kos kids, Billary, Bushitler, or the advantages of Miracle Whip over Mayonnaise. (that last one destroys marriages)

[I nearly got in a fist fight with my college roommate when he told me he couldn't tell Miracle Whip from mayo. -Ed.]

If you were to describe IMAO in three words, what would those be? Daily "Snortmycoffeeoutthroughmynose" Moment.

What's you favorite political issue? National Security. Yup, I know that's broad, but I'm ADD, remember? It includes illegal immigration, the war on terror, Second Amendment rights and Military and Intelligence funding. Everything else is useless tripe if we all go "boom".

Do you have a website? If so, please tell us briefly about it. Yes, I do. What it's about is whatever direction I let my mind go any given night. You never know what you're gonna get. Evolution of the Spirit, Rants, Relationships, Kids, Love, Rage, Humor, Opinion…….It's a work in progress, but it's been Great for me. http://howlsatmoon.blogspot.com That's where I tell everyone and yet No one about me.

Should we let the Chinese land on the moon? Absolutely !! In fact, All of them. Hmmm…except for the Chinese that live in the States 'cuz they're "Mericans and I really like mu shu chicken, and Jackie Chan, (except his latest movie kinda blows). And the fact that with all those Chinese people up there, the moon might spin out of control and off into some distant galaxy and Frank wouldn't have anything to go "boom", and I wouldn't have anything to Howl at.

Screw it. Tell 'em to stay where they are. We got there first and it's Our flag up there. Besides, I have a financial stake in this. I seem to remember getting drunk and buying a square foot of "Luna Terra" back in the early eighties. Better Dead than Red on My real estate, Commie.

* * * *

If you commented in the last post asking for participants, you're still in the running. Thanks to everyone who has participated so far; just because you may not think you're interesting doesn't mean we won't enjoy your story.

Rating: 3.3/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (13) | Ronin Profiles
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 03:04 PM | Email This

john edwards fabulous.jpgJohn Edwards can't understand how his secretary can always manage to get a staple through two sheets of paper in one shot.

Bonus Fact from Chris:
Whenever John Edwards hears the song "Butterfly Kisses" he gets flashbacks of the 'incident' in his 'boyhood' where he was ravaged by a Monarch.

Bonus Fact From Silicon Valley Jim:
60% of the depletion of earth's ozone layer is due to John Edwards's personal grooming practices, scientists said today.

Bonus Fact From Casper the Friendly Host:
Knowing he wouldn’t have time during the campaign season, John Edwards went to his orthodontist last spring asking if the "Perfect Smile"came in a "Fold-Back Teeth" model.

Rating: 2.8/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (7) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
SCHIP - The REAL Reason for the Veto
Posted by Harvey at 01:06 PM | Email This

On Wednesday, President Bush vetoed the State Children's Health Insurance Program (SCHIP), ostensibly because he considered it a banana peel on the already slippery slope to socialized medicine.

While true, that's not the whole reason.

Although Bush may be too much of a gentleman to point it out, the fact is that the Democrats larded the bill up with so much pork and so many pet projects that Bush had no alternative. Here are some of more pungent items in the bill that recently bore the brunt of the President's unforgiving veto pen:



"Send me another piece o' crap bill like that and I'll pound you like the Jena 6 beatin' up a white kid!"

* Changing the program's name to the Robert C. Byrd State Children's Health Insurance Program.

* Bill of attainder for Rush Limbaugh.

* Research grant to investigate why chubby interns don't do laundry after adulterous sexual encounters.

* Redesigning the dollar by replacing "In God We Trust" with "In Global Warming We Believe".

* A program to raise awareness of which Senators served in Vietnam, with a goal that every American will have that knowledge seared... seared into their memories.

* Non-binding resolution stating "George Bush has bigger jug-headed monkey ears than the cover of Pink Floyd's Relics".

* A law banning restroom-based sting operations.

* Sense of the Senate resolution stating "we support the troops as long as they don't kill or offend terrorists."

* Declaring English to be America's offical language, para Espanol oprima el numero dos.

* Free gin & hookers for any Senator whose last name ends with "ennedy".



Sadly, the veto also quashed the formal declaration of Fred Thompson's appointment to God-Emperor of America and All Her Conquered Territories, Both Those Fallen and Those Soon to be Toppled, but that'll come up again in January of 2009, anyway.

Rating: 2.1/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Support the Troops Magnets and American Flag Pins Are For Conservatives, Silly Liberals
Posted by Frank J. at 12:09 PM | Email This

This whole episode of the liberals pretending they think Rush Limbaugh was insulting the troops and that they're indignant about it ("He can't insult the troops; that's our job!") is pretty pathetic. I mean, do they really want to make this a contest of who the troops thinks supports them more: Rush or liberals? You can't crap on the troops' mission and constantly imply they're all morons and murderous kill-bots and suddenly ride to their defense.

Note to Liberals: You hate the troops and the troops hate you. That's the status quo and I don't see any reason to mess with it. You guys despise America and all the better men who made the country what it is while parasitically feeding off America's wealth and freedoms. If you didn't do that, you wouldn't be liberals. We're all used to it, so why do you cockroaches suddenly want to shine light on yourselves? You want us to notice you've been basically rooting for the away team this whole war?

Not smart, bro.

Rating: 3.3/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (11)
Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
Posted by Frank J. at 11:00 AM | Email This

The Chinese have stopped funding research into a neutron bomb so they can pour money into something even more potentially destructive: the Hillary Clinton campaign.

Rating: 3.3/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (14) | Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
Remind Me Not to Anger the Gays
Posted by Frank J. at 10:11 AM | Email This

Just saw this on FOX News. Ouch.

Rating: 1.5/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (12)
The American Flag Pin Is Too Heavy a Burden to Bear
Posted by Frank J. at 09:00 AM | Email This

Obama says he won't wear a flag pin because he's like too good for it or something. Disdain for patriotism certainly isn't going to hurt you in a Democratic primary, but this still worries me. I just noticed something about his name: Barack Hussein Obama. Not very American sounding, is it? Come to think of it, do we even have proof he is an American? I know one place you won't find that proof: his lapel.

Rating: 4.0/5 (1 vote cast)

Comments (18)
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

If Fred Thompson sees any flag flying higher than the American flag, he will rip it down... even when visiting a foreign country.

Rating: 1.4/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (7) | Fred Thompson Facts
October 04, 2007
Ronin Profile: Spunkdanger
Posted by Frank J. at 05:37 PM | Email This
Spunkdanger
Let's meet some more IMAO readers. Today, it's Spunkdanger.

* * * *

What's the story behind your name? Well at the risk of reveling myself to be a total dork, back in high school my friend and I came up with the concept for a penguin secret agent. Said agents name was "Spunkdanger."

Where do you live? Jacksonville, FL (formerly Cowford, b/c that's where the cows ford the St. Johns river)

How old are you? 25

Tell us briefly about yourself. I hold a degree in education but gave that up when I couldn't carry a side arm to defend myself. I now work for a large multinational corporation. It may or may not be Halliburton. It probably isn't.

How long have you been reading IMAO? About 1 year. I swear I was lead to your site from something Rush said, but I can't remember what.

[Is he talking about me behind my back now? -Ed.]

What's your favorite IMAO post? My favorite post is the one that quotes Benjamin Takeshi Franklin: "It's all about the me's, baby!" I also really enjoy IMAO Condensed. And the Podcast.

If you were to describe IMAO in three words, what would those be? It's teh funny.

What's you favorite political issue? Fair Tax

Do you have a website? If so, please tell us briefly about it. I do not, thank you for rubbing it in.

What's your third least favorite country? France (the utter distain in which I hold all things French demand it hold multiple positions on my list, including the #3 slot)

* * * *

If you commented in the last post asking for participants, you're still in the running. Thanks to everyone who has participated so far; just because you may not think you're interesting doesn't mean we won't enjoy your story.

Rating: 2.5/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (10) | Ronin Profiles
I Stand by Democrats Standing by Phony Soldiers
Posted by Frank J. at 04:08 PM | Email This

When Rush Limbaugh attacked phony soldiers, Senate Democrats ran to the rescue. While supporting actual troops and their Republican leanings has been hard for Democrats, they've always been big promoters of the phony ones. Only phony soldiers have had the courage to come out and admit what liberals have suspected of real soldiers all along: That they're dumb and like to kill for no reason. And no one can dispute them because phony soldiers have phony moral authority from years of phony service. Sure, the phony soldiers may not wear their uniforms right and their war stories may have come form a rerun of JAG, but what isn't phony about them is their desire to besmirch the military and the war. And that's what's important.

After years of phony soldiers fighting for the phony concerns of the phonies in Washington, how can we not expect the Democrats to run to their rescue? Good for you, Senate Democrats, in sticking up for your own! Stand by the phonies!

Rating: 2.0/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (7)
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 03:09 PM | Email This

john edwards fabulous.jpgWhen asked "paper or plastic" at the checkout counter, John Edwards always chooses plastic. He knows plastic bags aren't eco-friendly, but those paper ones are just so darn heavy.

Rating: 2.9/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (9) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
I Wonder What She'd Do For a Klondike Bar?
Posted by Harvey at 02:03 PM | Email This

Ann Coulter recently said, "If we took away women's right to vote, we'd never have to worry about another Democrat president."

Since - rumor has it, and any adam's-apple-related evidence to the contray notwithstanding - Ann is a woman, and would be affected by the long-overdue repealing of that noxious constitutional amendment, I find myself in awe of her willingness to make sacrifices for the good of our country.

Which means that since - any silk panty wearing but only for comfort reasons related evidence to the contrary nothwithstanding - I am a man, I feel obligated to try to show her up by offering my own list of things I'd be willing to give up to prevent future Democrat presidencies:



* John Edwards's femininity - there goes half my posts.

* All hope of a "Serenity" sequel.

* My trigger finger

* Simpsons, Monty Python, and Princess Bride references

* Crushing my enemies, seeing them driven before me, and hearing the lamentations of their women.

* Brett Favre during a game against the Bears.

* The Robot Chicken Star Wars Special

* My Magic 8 Ball... how did you THINK I chose which news stories to make fun of?

* Making lists when my Magic 8 Ball keeps coming up "reply hazy - try again".

* I *would* give up podcasting, but I already traded that for getting Al Franken off the radio.

* Tasteful beer commercials



So... what would YOU give up?

Rating: 3.2/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (33)
An Appeal to Liberal Sensibilities for Border Security
Posted by Frank J. at 12:40 PM | Email This

In the debate over illegal immigration, does anyone ever think of the mapmakers? They spent years getting that line depicting the border between the U.S. and Mexico just right. Every little bump and divot in that line is pregnant with meaning to them.

But no one cares. It's like they're life's work doesn't even exist. Illegal immigrants just run into America with no thought to the line those mapmakers spent so much time and care drawing. How can they go home at the end of the day and smile to their family knowing their life's work is meaningless? When a mapmaker's son asks, "Daddy, what do you do at your job?" the mapmaker has to use all his will not break down crying.

You'll usually find the mapmakers down at the bar drinking their pain away, talking of a time when those lines on the map meant something. When they meant something.

Won't someone think of the mapmakers?

Rating: 0.5/5 (1 vote cast)

Comments (18)
Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
Posted by Frank J. at 11:00 AM | Email This

Hillary gets all the daily nutrients she needs from the tears of children.

Rating: 2.8/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (22) | Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
Such Talk Is Verboten!
Posted by Frank J. at 09:50 AM | Email This

Wes Clark thinks that political speech should be rated and regulated. I think that's an awesome idea... but if, and only if, I'm the one determining what types of political speech is appropriate or not. I think I'd be good at that and wouldn't be arbitrary at all (except when bored).

The only problem I see is that some people aren't going to like my decisions and are going to come onto my lawn to protest. Thus, along with the power to regulate speech, I will also need the power to execute people. When people know you have the power to execute, they stay off your lawn.

Rating: 1.9/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (12)
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

When an episode of Law & Order was lost just before airing, Fred Thompson quickly constructed a new one out of nothing more than a paper clip, a piece of string, and an episode of MacGyver.

Rating: 2.0/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (12) | Fred Thompson Facts
October 03, 2007
The Invisible Hand of IMAO
Posted by Frank J. at 09:56 PM | Email This

If "give me back my freedom" is equivalent to "punch the hippies," then we have confirmation that Fred Thompson agrees 100% with my t-shirt:

After a recent Thompson speech in Iowa a member of the audience called out: “Kill the terrorists, secure the border, and give me back my freedom.” Thompson replied “you just summed up my whole speech.”

Rating: 4.0/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (18)
Now There's a Laugh
Posted by Frank J. at 04:09 PM | Email This

If only Hillary could laugh like this:

Hat tip to reader Casper the Friendly Host.

UPDATE:

From reader Fast Eddie, girl watches video of the dad at the Comedy Barn:

Why are funny laughs so funny? And I think it's a laugh with and not a laugh at, oddly enough, like a funny laugh is infectious.

Rating: 2.4/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 02:53 PM | Email This

john edwards fabulous.jpgIn the upcoming Batman film Dark Knight, John Edwards will play archvillain "The Manhole Inspector".

Rating: 3.5/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (11) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
It's Like Yelling, "Hey Moron!" and Seeing Who Turns Around
Posted by Frank J. at 02:07 PM | Email This

You've probably heard of the phony controversy of Rush Limbaugh's "phony soldiers" comment in which he was talking about people falsely pretending to be soldiers to speak against the war, i.e., not real soldiers but phony ones. Some reason, anti-war vets like Jon Soltz (last seen shouting down a man in uniform speaking in favor of his mission) assumed Rush was talking about him, which is somewhat psychologically revealing. It's like how no one actually questions John Kerry's patriotism but he kept assuming everyone was.

Anyway, I find it interesting that with there being millions of men and women in both active and reserves, liberals still feel the need to use made up soldiers like Jesse Macbeth to find enough vets to speak out against the Iraq war. I think that's because most real Americans don't want to have anything to do with the Kwazy Kos Krowd. Also, with all their blatant disdain for the troops, it seems you'd have to be a bit self-loathing to be both in the military and associated with those freaks.

Rating: 4.8/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (11)
Or Maybe She Just Got a Low Dose of Joker Venom
Posted by Frank J. at 01:00 PM | Email This

Hillary Clinton has gotten a lot of slack for the odd cackle she makes with such strange timing:

I think it's a bit mean to be criticizing her for this, though. She spent months and months learning how to make a sound that resembles human laughter and when to apply it. Yes, it's far from perfect, but it was at least close enough that you understood it's supposed to be laughter.

Bravo, Hillary. You get an 'A' for effort from IMAO.

Rating: 1.2/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (11)
Randi Rhodes Accuses Senator Reid of Being a "Phony Democrat"
Posted by Harvey at 12:01 PM | Email This

NEW YORK (AP) - After Senator Harry Reid publicly criticized radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh of "spew[ing] hate and impugn[ing] the integrity of our troops" for calling phony soldier Jesse MacBeth a "phony soldier", Air America radio talk show hostess Randi Rhodes called Reid a "phony Democrat".

Rhodes tells phony "White Wizard" Saruman that Rohan is the Uruk-hai's Vietnam.

"What the hell is Reid doing, sticking up for those murdering, baby-rapist, cold-blooded killers that Bushitler has rampaging through Iraq?" an incredulous Rhodes asked. "How DARE he imply that it's ok for non-rethuglicans to say even a single word in favor of the miscreant mercenaries fighting Chimpy McLiar's illegal, unilateral war for oil!"

"Reid is a phony Democrat, and he certainly isn't representative of MY Democratic party," continued the near-ratingsless radio personality, adjusting her drool cup and hockey helmet. "MY Democrats are opposed to the racism, hatred, killing and violence that happens to innocent brown people who deliberately target women and children. All we want is for the world to come together in peace and understanding, except for Army officers who should all be fragged by their troops."

Senator Reid's office responded to the questioning of his lib street cred with the following press release:

"Wasn't he Ozzy's guitarist? I thought he was dead."

Rating: 3.0/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (14) | Newsish Fakery
Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
Posted by Frank J. at 11:00 AM | Email This

The reason Hillary still keeps Bill around is that he's one of her horcruxes.

Rating: 3.2/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (21) | Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
Ann Coulter Making People Mad Again
Posted by Frank J. at 09:57 AM | Email This

Ann Coulter said that "If we took away women's right to vote, we'd never have to worry about another Democrat president." Isn't that unfairly singling out women, though? Can't we instead just say that people without penises tend to vote for Democrats.

Rating: 3.7/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (27)
Making the World Safe from Barack Obama
Posted by Frank J. at 09:28 AM | Email This

Barack Obama wants to reduce the number of nukes in the world starting with America's own stockpiles. How in the world is America made safer by getting rid of its nukes? Has America threatened to nuke itself or something? Or is Obama so stupid he might nuke us and thus we have to get rid of our weapons if he's president just like you lock up your guns if a three-year-old is running around the house?

Rating: 2.5/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

Fred Thompson has a plan to simultaneous reduce the number of nukes and countries.

Rating: 2.3/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (11) | Fred Thompson Facts
October 02, 2007
Ronin Profile: Brian the Adequate
Posted by Frank J. at 06:43 PM | Email This
Brian the Adequate
Let's meet some more IMAO readers. Today, it's Brian the Adequate.

* * * *

What's the story behind your name? Brian is my first name. I started commenting at IMAO and Wizbang as simply Brian, but then a stupid liberal troll started commenting at Wizbang, besmirching the good names of Brians everywhere with its poo flinging idiotcy, and I added the The Adequate to distinguish myself from it. I figured no libtard would go for self- depreciative humor and I can also hope one day to deserve a promotion to Brian The Somewhat Nifty.

[Win some High Praise and you'll get the promotion. -Ed.]

Where do you live? Lafayette, Indiana

How old are you? As of 2:00 PM, October 1, 2007 I am 36 years, 360 days and approximately 10 hours.

Tell us briefly about yourself. I am a conservative Christian, married for 13 years, proud father of 2 beautiful daughters ages 11 and almost 9. I have a BS in chemistry from Rose-Hulman and an MS in physical-organic chemistry from Colorado State and work for a large Pharmaceutical company supporting manufacturing. I don't have any guns currently, but recommendations with respect to the best brand of shotgun would be appreciated as I will need to acquire one in the next few years (see age of daughters above). Other than the time at CSU, I have never lived outside of Indiana (Granger, Terre Haute and now Lafayette)

How long have you been reading IMAO? About 4 years.

What's your favorite IMAO post? Of all time I don't think anything can beat the original Nuke The Moon post though the fun facts about the fifty states comes close. Currently Franks editorials and the LOLTERRITZ.

If you were to describe IMAO in three words, what would those be? Proverbs Twentysix three

What's you favorite political issue? Not my favorite, but the only issue that is a deal maker/breaker for me is Judicial appointments. With the messed up system we have now, bad judges are a pox for years to come. More selfishly I am interested in ensuring that Big Oil remains (or someone else becomes) the whipping boy de jure for the socialist instead of the pharma industry.

Do you have a website? If so, please tell us briefly about it. No, I am far to lazy.

[Me too! -Ed.]

What would you find more useful: A wheelbarrow full of rocks or a bucket of mud? Depends on the situation, if there is only one monkey faced liberal around, definitely the bucket of mud. Much more portable when running down ones target. If one is unfortunately confronted by a horde of code pinkers or moveon.morons then you need the greater number of shots allowed by the wheelbarrow of rocks.

* * * *

If you commented in the last post asking for participants, you're still in the running. Thanks to everyone who has participated so far; just because you may not think you're interesting doesn't mean we won't enjoy your story.

Rating: 2.9/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (24) | Ronin Profiles
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 03:02 PM | Email This

john edwards fabulous.jpgAl Gore may have invented the internet, but John Edwards invented the curtsey.

Bonus Fact from Casper the Friendly Host:
John Edwards campaign just announced the latest endorsement: Sen. Robert Byrd. In a prepared statement, Sen. Byrd stated, “As I flipped through the stations between Matlock and re-runs of Card Sharks, I saw Johnnie talking to a bunch of worthless whippersnappers on that MTV crap. But then I heard how he planned to pick up where I had left off so many years ago and knew I had found my candidate. That boy’s got moxie and gumption, not to mention good hair.”

Bonus Fact from Jim:
John Edwards' campaign scrapped an idea for a campaign ad featuring average people giving their impression of the candidate after realizing that every interview ended with the words "...not that there's anything wrong with that!"

Rating: 2.6/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (8) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
lolterizt! Part 17
Posted by Harvey at 01:37 PM | Email This

Once again, pass 'em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don't be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.



dancer.jpg

find waldo.jpg

flipped koran.jpg

nice eye holes.jpg

pronounced igor.jpg

seinfeld of arabia.jpg

shadow rabbit.jpg

smiling ahmadinejad.jpg



From James:
sad harry reid.jpg

From Gradual Dazzle of Anywhere But Here:
ahmadinejad gays.jpg

From Five Pillars:
Fiensteinak.jpg

PRODUCTION NOTE: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and - if they aren't obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don't suck too terribly bad - I'll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

Rating: 2.8/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (4) | lolterizt
More Fred Thompson Principles
Posted by Frank J. at 12:06 PM | Email This

Fred Thompson has a list of some of his principles at his blog, the Fred File. It's not a complete list, though, and here are some more principles exclusive to IMAO:

The Environment. For too long, we have yielded to the forces of natures. Instead, the nature should bend to our will. We must tame it like a beast as use it as yet another tool to destroy our enemies. If nature will not yield to us, then it must be destroyed starting with the sun.

Space Exploration. We lay claim to all the universe. We must continue to explore space to see if any life forms are occupying our property and punish them.

Border Security. America deserves a giant wall on both borders made from human bones.

Military Technology. We need weapons that launch fireballs at our enemies. Enemies of America deserve to be hit with fireballs.

Foreign Countries. Foreign countries are an affront to our sovereignty. Their mere existence suggests that someone would prefer to live somewhere else than the U.S. For this blasphemy, we must destroy all foreign countries and punish those who support them.

Education. Children are stupid. Someone needs to do something about that or I will destroy them.

Terrorism. We must make our enemies know that Allah is not nearly powerful enough to protect them from our wrath.

Rating: 2.0/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (18) | Fred Thompson Facts
Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
Posted by Frank J. at 11:00 AM | Email This

Every time you hear Hillary laugh, you lose one year of your life.

Rating: 2.5/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (18) | Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
Who Are These People?
Posted by Frank J. at 09:55 AM | Email This

Hillary Clinton raised $27 million in the last quarter?! Who are these people giving her that money? What kind of person wakes up in the morning and says to himself, "I'm going to give money to Hillary Clinton!"? That's deranged.

My guess is that people are afraid that if Hillary becomes president, she's going to hunt down those who didn't donate to her and kill them just like she did Vince Foster. I don't want to sound like a conspiracy nut, but everyone knows that Hillary killed Vince Foster in a fit of rage and hung his body from a lamppost as a warning to others. In her latest mailings, she slipped his obituary in with the fundraising letter and people got that message loud and clear.

Poor Obama; I wonder what she'll do to him after all this is over?

Rating: 2.4/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (17)
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

Fred Thompson beats rock, paper, and scissors. He also beats Jimmy Carter every other weekend.

Rating: 1.6/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (11) | Fred Thompson Facts
October 01, 2007
Ronin Profile: No-L
Posted by Frank J. at 07:01 PM | Email This
No-L
Let's meet some more IMAO readers. Today, it's No-L.

* * * *

What's the story behind your name? A friend in high school said that I should write my name No-L instead of Noelle. And for some reason it stuck.

Where do you live?I live in the "People's Republic" of Portland Oregon, where it's not normal if there are no protests in Pioneer Square blaming Bush for something or other.

How old are you? 26.

Tell us briefly about yourself. I have a bachelor of science degree in theatre arts from Portland State University, I'm getting married on November 4th, I love animals, I love Baja Fresh, I love Brit Pop, I am counting down the minutes until they release Fable 2, and someday, I hope to write a book about Tom Stoppard.

How long have you been reading IMAO? Since 2003 I think. I think I Googled "conservative blogs" and found it. I had checked it out everyday since. It makes my workday so much more pleasant.

What's your favorite IMAO post? It's hard to pick a favorite, but the ones that really tickle me are the ones that piss off Monkey Faced Liberal or someone like Laff Riot. They're just so entertaining when they're seething with rage!

If you were to describe IMAO in three words, what would those be? Whimsically, delectably, satisfying.

What's you favorite political issue? Hmmm, hard one. Probably illegal immigration, or rather, that big hullaballoo over those omnibenevolent undocumented workers.

Do you have a website? If so, please tell us briefly about it. I don't. But if I did it would look something like the Friday Cat-blogging only with cockatiels.

How would you introduce the president of Iran if he were giving a speech at your college? I would say:

"Can you believe that we have such a government full of pansies that would let this douche-bag come here and speak as if he had any interest in anything other than jihad? For God's sake people! This guy probably held Americans hostage when he was a "politically active student" in the late seventies! C'mon! Iran is the number one sponsor of terrorism! Can we skip the speech, taser the bastard and ship him to Gitmo?"
But at the college I attended, it would probably sound more like this:
"Today we introduce a true hero and role model, the democratic frontrunner for the 2008 election, a great intellectual mind, a man who rules with a just hand, a man that can talk truth to Chimpy McHalliburton, a tireless advocate for women, a just crusader against the eeeevil Joooooooooooos, I mean Zionist conspiracy,that warm ball of fluff, the most reverend, sexy as all hell, John Edwards' first kiss, the democratically elected (if only we could say as much) president Iran (that bastion of freedom), Jedi master Mahmoud..............."

* * * *

If you commented in the last post asking for participants, you're still in the running. Thanks to everyone who has participated so far; just because you may not think you're interesting doesn't mean we won't enjoy your story.

Rating: 3.4/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (13) | Ronin Profiles
Ergonomics
Posted by Laurence Simon at 04:04 PM | Email This

Okay, so I've got a pair of ergonomic wrist-wraps that I'm supposed to test for the next week.

If you're not familiar with ergonomics, it comes from the Greek word for... um... well, two Greek words for... well, two Greek words. And the last thing you want to know is what two Greeks do, okay? Especially when the phrase "Just strap these on and see how it feels" is involved.

This whole wrist-rest thing has something to do with the radio show I'm on most Saturday afternoons. Since it's a technology show, I'm testing carpal tunnel-preventing gel-filled wrist rests. If it were a cookshow, I'd probably be testing a spatula ("Unhand that purse, thief, or I'll spatula you such a knock on the head!").

I type a lot, so when I saw the wrist-rests, I got an avaricious look in my eye.

"Would you like these?" Garf said. (The host's name is Garf.)

"How much do they cost?" I asked.

"Oh, you can have these. In fact..."

I didn't hear the rest, because you know how it is with me and getting things for free. With FrankJ, it's just in Frank's nature, but for me it's a religious thing.

Anyway, I'm supposed to keep a diary of how these things feel, so here's my first impressions:

  • Don't forget to take them off before going to the bathroom again.
  • I look about as dorkish as I did without the things.
  • When asked, I tell people they're to keep me from slashing my wrists because life sucks so badly. NOW WHERE'S THE NEW MORRISSEY ALBUM???
  • Unlike Wonder Woman's wrist-bracers, these don't stop bullets.
  • The gel does not taste like blueberry jam.
  • Co-workers love to use them to strap me to the chair and roll me down the stairs. Ha ha ha ha. Ouch.
  • My wrists feel great. But my shoulders and elbows feel like Hell.

So there you go. First day with the wrist-rests.

Tomorrow I'm going to see if they can help me float in the pool, then Wednesday I'm going to bake an apple pie without oven mitts.

Ergonomics, man! Ergonomics!

Rating: 3.4/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (12)
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 03:01 PM | Email This

john edwards fabulous.jpgJohn Edwards once sued McDonald's because the Happy Meal they sold him only made him moderately cheerful.

Rating: 2.0/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (12) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
Nuke the Moon -- The Movie!
Posted by Frank J. at 02:03 PM | Email This

Lately, it seems that asking for unabashedly pro-American movie these days is like asking for the moon. I'm not sure if it's because Hollywood is a bunch of weirdos who need to be slapped around a bit or unpatriotic capitalists worried about how movies will do overseas (are there any good examples of movies that did well here but bombed internationally?), but I want more "America is awesome!" movies.

Here's my idea: They should make a Nuke the Moon movie. It would be a movie about the president finally getting fed up that countries don't fear us and thus applying the principles from my Nuke the Moon essay. I think it would play really well with everyone, because to the unsophisticated it would seem like a parody of America's warmongering nature, but the sophisticated like us would know it was actually about how insanely awesome America and explosions are.

This is an awesome idea. If you know someone in Hollywood who makes movies, have him give me a call. Or e-mail me; I don't like getting phone calls.

Rating: 3.2/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (7)
I Was Thinking...
Posted by Frank J. at 12:43 PM | Email This

You know how the Constitution says that you have to be at least twenty-five to be a Representative, thirty to be a Senator, and thirty-five to be President? Well, why in the world did the Founding Fathers feel the need to put that in there? Were they really worried that America was going to elect a twelve-year-old as their leader otherwise?

Stupid Founding Fathers. I guess I'm still just mad at them for not thinking out the Supreme Court better.

Rating: 1.9/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (15)
This Just Isn't Fair
Posted by Harvey at 11:09 AM | Email This

Seems they updated some of the questions on the American Citizenship test.

I don't have a problem with this, myself, but - having looked over some of the questions - I think the new version completely discriminates against stupid people.

For example, here's a test as completed by an avid reader of Daily Kos



1. What is the supreme law of the land?
Markos Moulitsas Zúniga

2. What does the Constitution do?
Gets in the way of our good intentions

3. The idea of self-government is in the first three words of the Constitution. What are these words?
Kneel before Kos

4. What do we call the first ten amendments to the Constitution?
Destroyed by Bush

5. What is one right or freedom from the First Amendment?
Free health care

6. What is freedom of religion?
You can practice any religion you want as long as it's not offensive, like Christianity

7. What is the economic system in the United States?
Oiling the machinery of commerce with the blood of the working class.

8. What is the "rule of law"?
Inconvenient.

9. Name one branch or part of the government.
The New York Times Op-Ed page.

10. What stops one branch of government from becoming too powerful?
Cindy Sheehan

11. Who is in charge of the executive branch?
A Chimp

12. Why do some states have more Representatives than other states?
Racism

13. If both the President and the Vice President can no longer serve, who becomes President?
Nancy Pelosi, who - by the way - is totally hot!

14. What does the President’s Cabinet do?
Insults our nation's multicultural heritage by containing too few minorities.

15. What does the judicial branch do?
Writes the laws that Congress is too chickens#!t to pass.

16. What are the two major political parties in the United States?
The Good Guys and The Baby Eaters

17.What is the political party of the President now?
Nazi

18. What do we show loyalty to when we say the Pledge of Allegiance?
Oppressive religious patriarchal jingoistic demagoguery

19. What are two ways that Americans can participate in their democracy?
Voting and vandalizing Army recruiting centers

86. What major event happened on September 11, 2001 in the United States?
America got what it deserved



Now how is that fair?

Little retard never stood a chance.

Rating: 2.5/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (19)
Withdraw the Troops Now
Posted by Frank J. at 09:32 AM | Email This

If President Bush wanted to get some attention in this late part of his last term, he could announce that he's withdrawn all the troops from Iraq:

"I just want to announce to the American people that today I have ordered all troops withdrawn from Iraq... and into Iran!"

The whole world and the Democrats would freak out. It would be awesome. All the protesters would be like, "No! Send the troops back to Iraq! Get the troops in Iraq!" And President Bush would just laugh and laugh that laugh of his that drives everyone so crazy. He might even hold a press conference just to publicly laugh for an hour.

That wacky Bush.

Rating: 2.0/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

Fred Thompson is the only candidate with a realistic plan to destroy the sun.

Rating: 1.8/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Fred Thompson Facts
 

Buy IMAO T-Shirts


IMAO T-Shirts

The IMAO T-Shirt Babe
(winning picture) YOU BUY NEW SHIRTS NOW!!!
Yay! Books!





Capitalism
Archives
By Category
24
American Idol
Aqua-Adventures
Barackalypse Now
Best of IMAO 2002
Best of IMAO 2006
Bite-Sized Wisdom
Editorials
Election 2008
Filthy Lies
Frank Answers
Frank Discussions
Frank on Guns
Frank Reads the Bible
Frank the Artist
Fred Thompson Facts
Friday Cat-Blogging
Fun Trivia
Hellbender
Hellbender Take Two
Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
Humor
I Hate Frank
If I Were President
ignis fatuous
IMAO Condensed
IMAO Exclusives
IMAO for the Non-Deaf
IMAO Reviews
IMAO Think Tank
In My World
In My World - Fan Fiction
John Edwards Fabulous Facts
Know Thy Enemy
lolterizt
Michael Moore
Mitt Romney Ads
News Round-Up
Newsish Fakery
No, McCain't
Our Military
Permalink Contest
Precision Guided Humor Assignments
Ron Paul, Ron Paul, Ron Paul
Ronin Profiles
Ronin Thought of the Day
SarahK's TV stuff
Scary Evil Monkey
Simpsons Trivia
Songs & Poems
State of the Frank Report
Superego
Totally True Tidbits
WEsistance Is Facile
Why Me Laugh?
Yvonne's Ashes
By Month
December 2008
September 2008
August 2008
July 2008
June 2008
May 2008
April 2008
March 2008
February 2008
January 2008
December 2007
November 2007
October 2007
September 2007
August 2007
July 2007
June 2007
May 2007
April 2007
March 2007
February 2007
January 2007
December 2006
November 2006
October 2006
September 2006
August 2006
July 2006
June 2006
May 2006
April 2006
March 2006
February 2006
January 2006
December 2005
November 2005
October 2005
September 2005
August 2005
July 2005
June 2005
May 2005
April 2005
March 2005
February 2005
January 2005
December 2004
November 2004
October 2004
September 2004
August 2004
July 2004
June 2004
May 2004
April 2004
March 2004
February 2004
January 2004
December 2003
November 2003
October 2003
September 2003
August 2003
July 2003
June 2003
May 2003
April 2003
March 2003
February 2003
January 2003
December 2002
November 2002
October 2002
September 2002
August 2002
July 2002
March 1933