World's most lopsided defeats:
1) Napoleon at Waterloo
2) John Edwards at the office pencil sharpener.

A hostage crisis is in effect at Hillary's New Hampshire Campaign office. An insurgent with a bomb strapped to his body has taken a few people hostage. While Hillary consults with the United Nations, police officers are stationed outside closely monitoring the situation. Close by, stand representatives of the ACLU to ensure that the insurgent's rights are in no way violated.

Our thoughts and prayers are with the hostages.

As the hostage taker demands to talk to Hillary, we hope that she respects his absolute moral authoritiy in this situation.

According to CNN, this hostage taker was denied the right to ask questions at the YouTube debate, as they producers weren't sure if his bomb qualified him as a voter who was Undecided.

More on this as it develops.

WASHINGTON (AP) - Supporters of Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul have led protests and riots all across America after hearing the news that a Florida man recently named his teddy bear "Ron Paul", which they say is "an incitement to hatred".

Blasphemous bear bothers bonkers bozos

People who back the Libertarian-turned-Republican-for-electability's-sake gathered in vast numbers to protest the "blasphemous outrage", with crowds in larger cities easily reaching into the double digits. Believers in Ron Paul - or "Ronulans", as they prefer to be called - claim that the man with two first names is a prophet of radical political reforms whose tenets are not to be mocked in any fashion by "unbelievers, socialists, and the subhumans who've never heard of Ayn Rand".

The Florida man, Frank Fleming, seemed mystified by the violent response. "I don't get it. I named the bear after my favorite Christian saint, Paul, and my favorite male porn star, Ron Jeremy. All of a sudden, I've got crowds of freaks standing on my lawn, screaming that my bear is a sacrilege against the second coming of Benjamin Franklin. Or something. I had Rage Against the Machine on my iPod, so I didn't catch it all. The point is, these people are weird and they smell like a mix of rancid butter and flop-sweat."

Ron Paul '08 campaign spokesman, Jesse Benton, argued that the protests were necessary to keep Dr. Paul's name from besmirchment by the impious. "We believe in the one true Ron Paul, and live to serve his greatness, defending his glory from all enemies, both foreign and domestic, as it is written in the Holy Constitution, which Saint Thomas of Jefferson brought down on stone tablets from the sacred altar of Monticello. Besides, have you SEEN this bear? It has GLASSES! Ron Paul doesn't wear glasses! He sees with a more perfect vision - through the lens of the Holy Constitution!"

Mr. Paul could not be reached for comment, as he was otherwise engaged in a whirlwind tour of Iowa giving his signature speech, "No, I'm NOT the husband of that lady who makes all the fish sticks."

Fred Thompson changes channels using a 12 gage.

Since I usually Google a couple things when writing an In My World™, does that mean my stupid humor posts involve more research than a CNN presidential debate?

John Edwards plan to fight hunger in America? "Let them eat cake".

Ted Kennedy's writing his autobiography, and he's getting more than $8 million for it.

Wonder what the title will be?

I speculate thusly:

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* The Brother That Wasn't Worth the Cost of a Bullet

* Water World

* No, I'm a Drunk (Alcoholics Go To Meetings)

* Taxing & Spending for Dummies

* It Couldn't Be Camelot Without a Lady in the Lake

* Brother Can You Spare a Liver?

* If Oil Were Gin, I'd Attack Iraq

* Dude, Where's My Pants?

* A Bridge Too Far

* King Leer

* Something Wicked This Way Comes

* The World According to Grope

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Any other ideas?

***Seriously, his dog's name is Splash.

Fred Thompson takes a bite out of criminals.

Sorry to be away so long, but if you're wondering what happened to me you can always turn to SarahK's blog for what's going on in the life of the J's. Hopefully we'll be to the new IMAO headquarters soon and I'll be back to regular blogging (I have a few post ideas in mind, including a long overdue In My World™). If you don't hear from me in a few days, though, send out a search party for the mountains between Nebraska and Idaho. If I'm not found, I hope you all die. That way I don't have to worry I'm disappointing you by not blogging for you anymore (since you'll all be dead).

So, what do you think has been the most significant thing that's happened in politics since I've been on hiatus? I hope no candidate got attacked by monkeys while I was gone because it would really suck to not be able to comment on that.

Actually, I take that back. I hope Hillary was attacked by monkeys.

Didn't I hear a while back that the CBS news writers had authorized a strike?

Did that happen yet, or are they simply too lazy to peel themselves off their squeaky-creaky 5-wheeled office chairs and get their cellulite-encrusted hindquarters onto the picket line?

Apparently I was mistaken to assume that an absence of comments on lolterizt! posts indicated widespread reader apathy.

The feature stays.

And to clarify a point, it wasn't due to lack of material or reader submissions. I'll cheerfully make a pile of my own every week, even if no one else joins the fun. I just honestly thought nobody cared any more.

As to what to leave in the comments, well, as with all list-type humor, it's ALWAYS acceptable to quote the item in question and follow it with some internet acronym indicating amusement.

For example:

"Dustbunneh"

ROTFLMAOTNTPMP!!!!1!

It's ALSO acceptable (and, in fact, encouraged) to leave such comments even if someone else has already left a comment about the same item.

If there's a blogger in existence who ever got too much positive feedback, I've never met him, and he sure as hell isn't me, either.

Note to Fiftycal - subtitles I can do. These pictures have an "alt text" tag on them, so if you're using Internet Explorer, you can hover your mouse over them and a little box will appear with words in it (it defaults to the picture's file name, but I can make it whatever I want). I'll try including a translation for the leet-speak impaired in the alt text in future editions.

If the mouse-hover thing isn't working, then right-click on the picture and choose "Properties". The Alternate Text should be listed in the box that pops up.

John Edwards habitually winces after turning on a light. Those photons HURT!

The venerable Archbishop of Canterbury has criticized America's imperialism, saying that the United States wields its power in a way that is worse than Britain during its imperial heyday.

I find myself agreeing with him.

Britain TOTALLY kicked ass at imperialism! They had subject nations all around the globe. Back when England actually owned a set of bollocks, billions of primitive brown & yellow peoples learned to speak English, dress in suits, and drink tea instead of cow urine.

Ok, so that last one wasn't necessarily a step up, but I think I make my point. England RULED! They were naming entire races of people "Indians" and subjugating the crap out of them centuries before the first Kennedy crashed his Oldsmobile into Plymouth Rock.

And speaking of Kennedys, judging by Ted, we're doing an unconscionably poor job of starving the Irish, too.

How have we fallen so far? Our heritage is rooted deeply in the tyrannical stock of our jackbooted British ancestors, yet when Americans crusade across the ocean to liberate their little brown brothers... they actually liberate the PEOPLE! What incompetence! First you liberate their land, their cattle, their gold,... and a few of the comlier wenches (strictly for purposes of pleasure, mind you, not to actually - heaven forbid - breed with the filthy savages), THEN you start getting around to tossing out a bone or two of political liberty. IF they can prove their worth through prolonged armed resistance.

Or dressing in diapers & letting themselves be clubbed into bloody pulp. Either one.

Yet what have we so-called "imperialist" Americans accomplished in Iraq? NOTHING! The Iraqis can vote! They can own property! They don't even have to bow and avert their eyes when an American walks by! Why, the arrogant sand-mongrels aren't even possessed of sufficient decency or gratitude to make English their country's official language - AND WE'RE NOT FORCING THE BASTARDS TO DO IT!

That whirring sound you hear is Queen Victoria spinning in her grave at around the same speed as a NASCAR motor at redline.

And those post election-pictures coming out of Iraq, showing people celebrating their political freedom by holding up their freshly-inked fingers - Digusting! Horrid! Blasphemy against the very notion of imperialism itself! The only Iraqis who should have inky fingers are the indentured servants in American-owned Iraqi newspaper factories, which should DAMN well only print headlines like "American Benevolence Cheered by Unworthy Yet Devotedly Loyal Middle Eastern Slave Scum".

I take no joy in writing these words, but America's attempts at imperialism are so half-hearted, so feeble, so stupefyingly inept, that we might as well hoist le Tricolore, print all our legal documents in French, and subjugate ourselves to our superiors in Paris.

Maybe being forced under penalty of death to drink their lighter-fluid-flavored wines and laugh at Jerry Lewis movies will teach us how an empire is SUPPOSED to be run.

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Harvey is a non-disabled Navy veteran accidentally hired to fill an affirmative action quota at IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as "Ronald McDonald: America's Archbishop" and "Bootlicking & Genuflection: An Iranian Survival Guide for the Coming Invasion".

Fred Thompson opens up whupass in lot sizes no smaller than a gross at a time.

Judging by the complete absence of comments on #25 and the dearth of recent reader submissions, I'm guessing it's time to pull the plug on the lolterizt! series.

You guys want one last one, or have you had enough?

To help America's working families, John Edwards vows to do something about the outrageous profits being raked in by Big Mascara.

Bonus Fact from Silicon Valley Jim:
John Edwards's law school classmates knew that they could find him after class at the local Hooters. Waitressing.

Once again, pass 'em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don't be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

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From BobG of High Velocity Politics:

Three from Neil, who's still on a Chavez kick:

Three from Erik Wit:

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PRODUCTION NOTE: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and - if they aren't obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don't suck too terribly bad - I'll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

Why shouldn't you vote for McCain? All he wants is a chance to tick off everyone he hasn't yet ticked off.

Look at everyone he's royally teed off.

Me

Others, probably you.

I don't feel like listing them all individually.

Hes a RINO and he's been leaning left so long, they're naming towers in Pisa after him.

I thought of a few good slogans to go with the video.

McCain: I Love America TO DEATH!

McCain: Hate the playa, hate the game, above all, Hate Me

And maybe at the start of his next ad. he could say, "I'm John McCain I don't just want your vote, I want you to give me the chance to incur your eternal undying hatred. #*%^ you."

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Rating: 2.6/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (16) | Election 2008

Someone out there is Hillary Clinton. Who is it? It could be you. Here's ten ways to tell if you might be the PIAPS.

10) You want to run on your record, a record that is so impressive it can't be released to the public until after you get reelected.

9) You know absolutely everything about absolutely everything unless it's happens to have something to do with your campaign.

8) Your greatest political success was a by anyone else's standards a spectacular failure of Biblical proportions.

7) You want to take take things away from people for their own good, and then occasionally have Norman Hsu pay them back.

6) Frost is something you're used to seeing on your windows. On the inside.

5) You took diction lessons from Roseann Barr, and etiquette from Sasquatch.

4) You have a very simple and logical stances on the issues, and are flabbergasted when people try to pin you down to any one stance on any issue,

3) You tell women they don't need a man to take care of them or to ride a man's coat tails. Yet your entire success comes from being married to a man who took care of you while you rode his coat tails.

2) Your approach is marked by a stampede of woodland creatures, large and small.

And the number one way to tell you might be Hillary Clinton....

Read More...

Fred Thompson enjoys racing cars. To make it fair he usually gives the cars at least a 100 foot head start.

I don't quite care for Oklahoma.

Evidence: here.

If elected President, John Edwards promises to hold daily press conferences where he will answer all celebrity-gossip-related questions.

The Saudi Foreign Minister is heading to Annapolis, but according to TIME Magazine, he's not there to shake hands:

Will you try to get to know him at the conference, shake his hand and have a chat? No, this is not theater. We are going seriously for peace negotiations. We are not going there just to take pictures of somebody shaking somebody's hand. We can't give false impressions to people. The hand that has been extended to us has been a fist so far. Once it opens for peace, it will be shaken.

Will you avoid shaking his hand if he approaches you?
I'm not going to be there for theatrical gestures of shaking hands that mean nothing. You shake hands, and it implies that you have agreed on something. We have not agreed on anything yet. Better than shaking our hands, he should respond in honesty to the proposals that we have put on the table.

Shaking his hand could send a signal to Israelis that there is a partner for peace.
We are there to support Mahmoud Abbas, the Syrians, and the Lebanese to get their territory. We are there in all honesty, if peace is achieved, to pursue that what was promised in the Arab peace plan. That is normalization, after the peace. We are not going to be party to gestures that could be interpreted as normalization before peace is attained.

TIME Magazine cut out the rest of this line of questioning:

What if Ehud Olmert disguises himself as a Mexican and tries to shake hands with you?
The hair-weave and mustache may fool me, but the hook-nose and tourist-quality sombrero would be a dead giveaway.

According to some medical journals, Israeli researchers have perfected limb-grafting and transplantation. What if Ehud Olmert grafted an Arab hand to his wrist and offered to shake hands with you?
I would demand the return of the stolen Arab hand and for Olmert to return to the 1967 borders.

What if you find yourself eating spaghetti at the conference, start slurping at a long strange, and find yourself face-to-face with Ehud Olmert? Will you kiss him like that Lady In The Tramp movie?
No, but I may be convinced to negotiate the nuzzling of a meatball in his direction. But the Lebanese, Syrians, and Palestinians will be left to negotiate their own meatballs.

What if Ehud Olmert refuses to shake hands with you?
What?

What if he reaches out to you in a crowd, sticks his hand out, you reach for it, and he pulls it back and yells GOTCHA! or something?
I refused to shake hands with him first! Arabs refused to shake first long before Jews refused to shake first!

Maybe he sticks his arm through the arm of someone else and...
No, really. Cut it out. Do you want me to raise the price of oil, Infidel?

How do you respond to the accusation that you're not acting as negotiators when you make a proposal and then refuse to discuss its terms with the party it is being offered to?
That's as absurd as the accusation that 15 out of 19 of the 9/11 hijackers were Saudi Muslim Arabs. Everybody knows that Saudis never do an honest day's work in their life. That's what foreign workers are for.

Planning on getting any Christmas shopping done while here in Annapolis?
Don't be disgusting.

Well, thank you for your time, Foreign Minister.
The pleasure was all mine. (shakes hands) By the way, I didn't catch your name...

Ehud Olmert.
But... but...

I'm quite proud of the sombrero... would you like me to send you one?
DAMN YOU, ZIONIST BABYKILLER!

A Filipino entrepreneur created a gigantic Israeli flag to show their gratitude for Israel's hosting Filipino guestworkers, 50 years of diplomatic relations, yadda yadda.

They also included a gigantic Filipino flag as part of the package.

In other news, Mexican illegal aliens are suing California to get school exams in Spanish. No word yet what size Mexican flag they'll be sending to America to fly here as part of the reconquista.

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UPDATE:
A spokesman for the comatose Ariel Sharon says that the massive flag is still too small for the former prime minister's coffin, and he's working with 1,000 local tailors to "let it out a little."

Fred Thompson's house is easy to find. Just turn off the main road, go two blocks and when you see the pillar of cloud by day and the pillar of fire by night, you're there.

Any idea what happened to me?

So, there've been some complaints about IMAO taking a 4-day weekend and posting nothing but Fun Facts about political candidates.

MY excuse was that - as the unloved Jason Alexander to Frank's Seinfeld - I figured no one would notice or care if my long-winded posts about nothing became non-existent posts about nothing.

As for FRANK'S excuse, well - assuming you believe that he and I are actually two different people - therein lies a mystery.

Leaving me to indulge in idle speculations regarding Frank's non-blog-related activities thusly:

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* Attending a People's Temple Leadership Seminar in Guyana

* Buying yellowcake in Niger, since he's too impatient to wait for President Thompson to nuke the moon for him.

* Told SarahK that "yes, those jeans DO make you look fat." Condition critical. Outlook grim.

* Busily crossing picket lines despite 2057 consecutive rejections by the Hollywood studios. Gotta love his spunky determination.

* On Broadway, lining up backers for "IMAO: The Musical", which the Miami Herald recently described as "...like 'Cats', except without the all the annoying costumes, dancing, or talent."

* At the Mayo Clinic, being cloned for Fred Thompson's Ninja Stormtrooper Army of Death and Fun.

* Transporter accident during a freak ion storm. He's now happily living In Frank's World, and has no plans to return.

* Yes, he's sporting a spiffy little goatee, now.

* Can't blog. Punching hippies.

* Discovered "2D Portal". Nuff said.

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Feel free to do your own speculating in the comments.

John Edwards tends to raise his voice when he gets angry, but only the pitch.

When they are in season, Fred Thompson enjoys hunting, killing, skinning and preparing fresh Balrog.

As a bully in high school, John Edwards would frequently tape "lower my self-esteem" signs on people's backs.

The shortest distance between two points doesn't go near Fred Thompson if it knows what's best for its lazy, shortcut seeking self.

John Edwards is a mean drunk, and after three Appletinis, he'll slap you just for looking at him wrong.

Not very hard, mind you, but still...

Fred Thompson never needs to take questions from plants. Though a New York Times reporter tried to interview him and ended up a vegetable.

Things John Edwards is thankful for:

* Aquanet

* Pocket-sized mirrors

* Hair #56,823 (it's his favorite)

* Silk

* Trailer trash juries

* Full-length mirrors

* Discreet, home-delivery of YM

* Chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and Midol (you know what I mean, girls)

* Vaguely reflective surfaces

* John Kerry's rancid unlikability, which kept John from becoming a one-term historical footnote like Walter Mondale.

* No, not the CBS news anchor that preceded Dan Rather. I think you just proved my point.

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By the way, a shiny new donkey to the person who guesses John Edwards's pet name for Hair #56,823.

In the Fred Thompson Presidency every day will seem like Thanksgiving, partly because there'll be so much to be thankful for, but basically, if you value your life, you won't even act like a turkey.

Bedtime at the Edwards house includes the nightly coin flip to see who gets to wear the French Maid costume.

Looks like Hillary is riding a bumpy road in Iowa. In addition to the sagging polls, here are some other signs her campaign's in trouble:

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* Started waterboarding hecklers to appear "more Presidential".

* Out of desperation, challenged some redneck kid to a fiddle-playing contest.

* Had to taze a bro.

* Hired Kos

* No, wait... that was Newsweek.

* Went in against a Sicilian when death was on the line.

* Tugged on Superman's cape while spitting into the wind.

* Rode a tank, held a general's rank - still getting no sympathy.

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Hiring Cam Cameron as her new campaign manager probably isn't helping, either.

When Fred Thompson's wireless call gets dropped, he drops the phone, the phone company and a vanload of hippies into the Sun.

John Edwards's Swiss Army knife has no blades, but it does have tweezers... and a compact.

I'm having one of those days.

I wish FrankJ would release a second collection of his In My World stories. I'm too lazy to go back through the archive, you know.

Anyway, they were inspiration for this ongoing tale I've been thumbing into reality at Twitter...

isfullofcrap Annual Thanksgiving turkey pardon. *sigh* Bush is a wuss. He should have killed those turkeys with his bare hands like a real man.

isfullofcrap "That's me, I'm the Decider. And I just decidered that yer fer dinner. Gobble on this!" *WHACK* (thud) *WHACK* (thud)

isfullofcrap Fred Thompson video: "If elected President, I will slaughter any livestock visitors bring to the White House with just the power of my gigantic head."

isfullofcrap (And then he discovers that one of the hideous clucking creatures with thick wattles he's just clobbered is actually Helen Thomas)

isfullofcrap He calls his mother. Barbara suggests deep-frying Helen Cajun-style. Laura says no, not healthy. Maybe roasting without the skin?

isfullofcrap Fred Thompson video: "If elected President, I will eat Helen Thomas raw with nothing else but Ranch dipping sauce for flavor."

isfullofcrap The twins, ever-helpful, order up margaritas. Cheney mistakes microwave for margarita machine, pacemaker goes haywire. ROBOT RAMPAGE!

isfullofcrap John Kerry phones... challenges Bush to online Guitar Hero 2. "I'm a War Hero, too. I won three Purple Hea-" Bush quickly hangs up.

isfullofcrap Fred Thompson video: "I won three Grammy Awards with nothing but a moonshine jug."

isfullofcrap Helen Thomas stirs, tries to ask for a doctor, but incapable of asking a straight question anymore. Rants about health care system.

Not sure where this is going. I have the feeling Mecha-Cheney is going to wipe Georgetown off the map while Dennis Kucinich is raising campaign funds my moonlighting as a Christmas Elf.

Once again, pass 'em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don't be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

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Three from Neil, who's on a Chavez kick:

Three from Erik Wit:

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PRODUCTION NOTE: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and - if they aren't obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don't suck too terribly bad - I'll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

Fred Thompson often gets a fresh hot Egg McMuffin after 10:30AM.

John Edwards can't decide which he hates more about his morning routine: his daily 5-minute struggle to get hair #108,349 to fall into place or his daily 5-minute struggle to get that stupid toaster lever to go down.

In the comments to a post on the Hollywood writers' strike at Twenty Sided, RustyBadger asks the ultimate question:

"The people that write for The DailyShow are funny, yes, but they have an easy job: write funny stuff about famous people who are in the media spotlight so the viewers can feel smugly superior about their own pathetic lives. I mean, really. How hard IS it to make fun of Brittney Spears and Michael Jackson?"

As someone who makes fun of John Edwards EVERY SINGLE DAY, I feel emminently qualified to answer that one.

"Hardness", as we all know, is measured on the Mohs scale, with Talc (the crumbly, powdery stone from which talcum powder is derived) being a 1 on that scale. Diamonds are a 10.

Mocking celebrities does not contain an absolute hardness factor, but is rather a repetitive-dependent sliding equation which is directly proportional to the number of times you have previously mocked the celebrity. By which I mean, the more often you make fun of someone, the harder it gets.

This SEEMS counterintuitive, as one would expect it to get EASIER with repetition - practice making perfect, and all that. However, the hardness in this case actually arises from the physical limitations of existing in a finite universe. That is, poking fun at the famous is based on making an analogy between the famous person and an existing object, and connecting the two in a manner that is completely unexpected, yet also perfectly sensible to the reader afterwards. Given that the universe contains only 10⁸⁵ discrete objects, the writer has fewer and fewer objects to compare their celebrity target to with each joke written, thus making the job increasingly hard.

As anyone who's contributed a Bonus Fact can attest, the first one is talc-easy, but pretty soon you find yourself smacking your forehead against Hydrated Sodium Beryllium Aluminum Silicate Hydroxide Fluoride.

In other words... "very".

So as someone who makes a living writing (if you define "living" as "three squares a day - of Ramen Noodles"), I'm siding with the writers, and showing my solidarity by posting a video that explains the writers' strike in terms everyone can understand.

Enjoy:

There are some rumors that the Hillary is sitting on some dirt she has about Barack Obama. I think this is good for Obama because previously he seemed too boring and useless to accomplish anything that might be considered scandalous. Now he's kind of interesting.

So what's the secret Obama scandal? Here are some possibilities:

* He once participated in a cross-country, death-race.

* He's secretly converted to Islam. His Muslim name is Ned Johnson.

* He's really Hispanic.

* He once tried to assassinate the pope.

* He's never actually done drugs. He just said he did so the other politicians would think he's cool.

* He escaped a circus by using his ears to fly.

So what do you think the big Obama scandal is?

One of the better known comedies of a famous playwright shrew is "The Taming of the Hillary."

There's a sucker born every minute... which is a bit below replacement rate considering Fred Thompson's dislike of suckers.

John Edwards learned yoga so that he could do a complete self-manscaping.

If Hillary Clinton is elected president, her first task for the CIA will be locating Smurf Village.

Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Fred Thompson.

John Edwards wishes the Queer Eye guys would quit pestering him for fashion advice.

If you're wondering what happened to Laurence Simon, he'll be sidekicking on KPRC Radio for the next three hours. Follow the link to listen live.

Hillary's icy demeanor can be traced back to an earlier tragedy when a house fell on her sister.

Fred Thompson is the only candidate with a plan to fight volcanoes or any other type of mountain that shows hostility to America.

Nothing makes John Edwards angrier than when Elizabeth uses his Estée Lauder Re-Nutriv Ultimate Lifting Eye Crème without asking.

WASHINGTON (AP) - After months of being unable to get the majority-Democrat Congress to vote along party lines, the Democratic congressional leaders have attempted to explain away their repeated failures to surrender the war in Iraq by accusing President Bush of "bullying" the Democrats into submission.

"You Dumbocrats send me another bill like that and I'll give ya a Hertz donut!"

"The last time we tried to support the troops by undermining their mission, we had enough Senators to pass a cut & run resolution," Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid explained. "But just before the vote took place, George Bush burst into the Senate chambers and started giving all the Democrats wedgies, wet willies, noogies, and purple nurples. Dick Durbin got pantsed, and waddled out of the room crying with snot running down his face. NOT a pretty sight."

"I just sat there, stunned & horrified. Then I saw Bush looking at me. I tried to run, but he'd tied my shoelaces together, so I fell flat on my face."

"When I looked up, Bush was standing over me," said Reid, visibly choked up while recalling the traumatic events. "He said - and I'll never forget this - 'Oooo! Did wittew Haiwwy faw down go boom? Did wittew Haiwwy get a bwoody nose? Let me cwean wittew Haiwwy up.'"

"He grabbed me by the ankles and dragged me out of the room, down the hall, and into the restroom," Reid continued, tears flowing freely. "He picked me up by my feet - my GOD, I can't believe how STRONG that man is - and dunked my head into the toilet while flushing repeatedly and chanting 'Swirlie! Swirlie! Harry is a girlie!'"

"He finished by dropping me on my head, giving me an Indian burn, and stealing my lunch money. After that, he just casually strolled away whistling 'Yellow Rose of Texas' like nothing had happened."

President Bush responded to the accusations with his trademark congenial chuckle. "Well, you know the Reidster has always been a little clumsy. Probably walked into a door or something. Besides, I wasn't even there. You can ask Barbara Boxer."

Senator Boxer confirmed Bush's alibi, claiming that the President had been busy cramming her into a gym locker during the time in question.

Mary Katharine Ham takes a tour of Hillary HQ.

Looks like Hillary brought a knife to a sissy slap-fight.

When Hillary gets going, she's like an unstoppable beast -- like Jason Vorhees. Just because she's lying, duplicitous shrew and everyone knows it doesn't mean her Republican challenger isn't going to have to bring his A-game.

Scientist predict that if Hillary were Pinocchio, she'd be in intense pain right now from her nose tip being burnt by Alpha Centauri.

Prepare yourselves! In January comes the greatest fight ever: Aquaman versus Superman and Batman!

Let the bodies hit the (ocean) floor!

Sure, it's that new Aquaman, because we all know how short that battle would be if it were me and my might versus those posers. Anyway, it's a pretty even match up, so expect a huge underwater battle like you've never seen before! And what will DC comics do when two of their main characters will now be dead?

So who do you think will go down first: Superman or Batman? You'd think the smart thing to do would be to take out Batman first since he's nothing and then go for the heavy hitter, but it would be pretty cool to thrash Superman and then go for Batman while he's making the water around himself warmer.

Maybe after this I can get eightof my own series running concurrently like those two. Really, how many tales about a man dressed up like a Halloween costume and an nigh-invulnerable journalist can you tell? But with all that happens underwater, they'd never run out of stories. It's time for the Aqua-revolution!

Anyway, the battle comes in January. Mark your calendars, fanboys!

While visiting Africa, an enraged Fred Thompson charged and killed a rhino. He hates rhinos.

You can comment here if you're watching the debate. I'm not; I'm watching a Tivoed Mythbusters. They're making a rocket car!

BTW, John Hawkins is liveblogging. At 8:42, he declared the debate officially tedious.

UPDATE:

The rocket car blew up.

Sir Andrew

Let's meet some more IMAO readers. Today, it's Sir Andrew.

* * * *

What's the story behind your name? I think "Andrew" was taken on some message board somewhere, so I randomly chose "Sir Andrew".

Where do you live? Dallas, TX, USA, Earth, Sol System, Milky Way, etc...

How old are you? 17, 18 in about a month.

Tell us briefly about yourself. I used to be a nerd. A big nerd. Like the Star Trek-watching, computer programming, no social life type of nerd.

But then I found politics, and yet I am still a nerd. I plan on getting at least a Master's in PoliSci and running for office someday, hopefully ending me up in the Senate so I can bring the smack down on these elitists.

How long have you been reading IMAO? I haven't been counting, but I would say about a year and a half.

What's your favorite IMAO post? It's too hard to pick one, but since I have to, I would say it is the "IMAO Condensed: Gun Control" post.

If you were to describe IMAO in three words, what would those be? Brash, Off-the-wall, Witty. And yes, "off-the-wall" is only one word. It's hyphenated.

What's your favorite political issue? I would say that the threat of Islamofascism is my favorite issue right now. The pleasure one gets from schooling those smug Ron Paul supporters with their idiotic "blow back" theory is immensely satisfying. Think of the pleasure you get when you've put liberals in a sputtering rage, and multiply that by 100.

Do you have a website? If so, please tell us briefly about it. My website is GOPedia.us, which I don't hardly ever update as much as I should. Basically it's a place for the random and funny thoughts I have. Now that these questions have reminded me, I think I'll update.

What's your favorite Fred Thompson fact? "Fred Thompson can shoot a two inch group at 500 yards with a Nerf gun." - Because for some reason, I didn't get it immediately but it flew out of nowhere and smacked me in the face a day later causing spontaneous laughter.

[I still don't get it. -Ed.]

* * * *

If you commented in the last post asking for participants, you're still in the running. Thanks to everyone who has participated thus far; just because you may not think you're interesting doesn't mean we won't enjoy your story.

Rove! Lord of Darkness!

Eh. His whole appeal is operating in the shadows, not out in front. Only way this will be interesting if he spends his column schooling that turd Kos and is even turdier followers.

John Edwards's uncontrollable bad habit? Nitpicking Ralph Lauren's Style Guide.

Shoot them.

In an understandably desperate - yet still abjectly pathetic - ploy to make uninformed swing voters and other gullible mouth-breathers hate the war (and hopefully Bush, too, even though he's not running in 2008) - the Democrats have released a "report" claiming that the War on Terror will cost America $3.5 Trillion.

Well, that's the headline.

The caveat being that this includes "estimated" costs for some 10 years into the future, and by "estimated", I assume they mean either pulled out of thin air or their fat asses.

I'm not sure how we're supposed to take these simian-phizzed Karl Marx dopplegangers' 10-year plans seriously when they can't even predict what their positions on key issues will be when next week rolls around.

But the most egregious flaw in their hypocritical attack-dog accounting is that they include "hidden" costs of the war, i.e. adding their own made-up, rotten apple figures to the congressional war budget number oranges.

Fine.

If they want to play that game, then we can play it right back. Let's look at some of the hidden benefits that we're getting for our well-invested war dollars:

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The war provided our troops with much-needed smoking palaces.

* Halliburton workers are really cleaning up on the overtime.

* Sales of Fred Thompson T-shirts are up! Up! UP!

* Ice cream manufacturers are now in the black from sales to hippy hunger strikers.

* Ditto for "Tofu on a Stick" franchise owners near protest sites.

* Michael Moore is making huge profits for the movie industry instead of living in his mother's basement, playing Halo 3, and vampiring the filling out of Twinkies between sessions with his Happy Sock.

* Plus he can afford more Twinkies this way. I rate Interstate Bakeries Corporation stock as a "strong buy".

* Thanks to the war, American school children can now find Iraq on a map, so most of the war budget should technically be counted under Department of Education spending.

* Batman, never lame to begin with, is getting even unlamer in 2008.

* As an alternative other the other news channels' dreary, defeat-mongering war coverage, FoxNews invented the Perky Yummy News Babe.

* The Army re-instituting the draft for high-risk assignments in Iraq's hottest war zones.

* I'm hoping that liberals will read that last one and flee in terror to Canada. Please note that without the war, that trick wouldn't have worked. If it makes just one idjit leftist abandon ship, it's all worth it.

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And most important of all - ZERO Al Qaeda attacks on American soil since 9/11.

Personally, I consider the books balanced.

John Hawkins has a good post on what Fred Thompson's political prospects are looking like. A lot of people seem to be down on Fred Thompson because he doesn't seem to want the presidency enough because he's not like Hillary and constantly glaring at the presidency while rubbing his greedy hands together while proclaiming, "Soon that power will be mine! All mine!" Who are Republicans planning on voting for, then? With the other candidates, you're stuck hoping they'll not govern as president like they governed in the past. Not only is Fred Thompson a great conservative with record to back that up, he's the only top tier candidate without glaring flaws. Here's my problems with the other top tier Republican candidates for president:

* Rudy Giuliani: He loves aborting babies and grabbing guns. He can't help it. You just know he's going to abort some babies while president and start taking people's guns while they're not watching. He says he'll appoint some Supreme Court judges who will try and stop him from aborting babies and grabbing guns, but Giuliani is pretty tough and I don't know if any judges will be able to stop him when he puts his sights on a baby to abort or a gun to grab. Plus, you just know he's going to have huge scandals; he is from New York City. They will probably be an entertaining scandals, so weight that as you will.

* Mitt Romney: Governed pretty much as liberally as you would expect a Republican elected governor of Massachusetts would be. He was passing mandatory universal healthcare that used federal tax dollars to pay for abortions, but now he's a conservative? If you're generous, you can say he's been a conservative all this time and was just pandering liberal to get elected in Massachusetts, but that's still not too reassuring. Also, I hear rumors that he's a Scientologist.

* Mike Huckabee: He loves taxes and illegal immigrants. In fact, the only thing he loves more is pie. It really looks like his presidency would just be the worst parts of the Bush presidency, and the only way he'd be remarkable were he to get back to his fighting weight and take the "Fattest President" title from Taft. And then there's his name. Great name for a cartoon hillbilly dog, but not a president.

* John McCain: He's John McCain.

As for how each of them will do on the War on Terror, they all have good rhetoric, but they've all had trouble on the illegal immigration and I don't quite trust people to protect the country who don't quite the sovereignty issue. How are they going to know what to protect if they don't understand what borders are?

As far as I see it, Fred Thompson is the only choice.

BTW, I reserve the right to take all this back and delete the post so I can enthusiastically get behind whoever is the Republican nominee.

Hillary Clinton vows to hunt down and destroy any terrorist organization that hasn't donated to her campaign.

Children like to lay pennies in the path of Fred Thompson and then keep the flattened remains as good luck charms.

Apparently Markos Moulitsas now has a column in Newsweek. This raises some questions: Newsweek is still around? Who reads it? Haven't people heard about the internet? Really, a new magazine that comes out once a week -- how's that of any use to anyone?

And then why Kos? Is America really clamoring for the political analysis of the dim bulb who runs a chat site full of loons? Instead of column from him, wouldn't another car ad be more interesting? I mean, if he's going crazy angry and screaming "Screw 'em!" he's entertaining in a freakshow kinda way, but otherwise what's the point?

And, according to Kos, Newsweek also hired a conservative that will make "heads explode" on the liberals side. Who is that? Are they going for an equally trite and uninsightful conservative known for frequent bursts of extreme emotion, or are they going for a complete opposite so it will be someone as conservative as Kos is liberal and as bright as Kos is dull? Does anyone like that even exist?

So who do you think the mystery conservative columnist is who Newsweek hired? My guess is Andrew Sullivan.

UPDATE:

Moe Lane e-mailed about every conservative blogger he could think of and all confirmed it wasn't him who got the job. He even has confirmation it's not me, which is too bad because I would have wrote a column people would have been talking about for years (I assume I wouldn't have gotten past one).

No matter how much he diets, all John Edwards sees in the mirror through his tears is just a big ugly giant fat pair of thighs!

Bonus Fact from Casper the Friendly Host:
John Edwards's secret stash movies - 'Lord of the Flies', 'Kite Runner' and 'Boys of 2nd St. Park'.

[Huh... I was thinking "Can't Stop the Music" and "L.I.E." - Harvey]

Waterloo, IOWA (AP) - Reminiscent of scandals over use of the word "niggardly", Hillary Clinton is now coming under fire from gay rights activists across the country for using the word "flag" in a negative context.

"Great... now I gotta apologize to the damn flaggots."

After a recent press conference, several American flags toppled around the presidential candidate [video], causing her to say in exasperation "why don't these flags stay where they belong?" and "would somebody please put these flags back in their place?"

Several homosexual rights groups claim that this is a thinly veiled attack on their lifestyle.

"There was justified outrage in the African-American community over so-called 'unintentional' slurs like 'niggardly' and 'tar baby', said National Gay and Lesbian Task Force director Matt Foreman. "If she thinks she can get away with her not-so-subtle prejudices just by tossing an extra letter into her hate-crime-speak, she's sadly mistaken."

Neil Giuliano, president of the Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation, agreed. "Nobody uses the f-word in the archaic sense that Hillary claims is what she meant. You would think a sensitive, progressive Democrat like her would use the proper modern term, 'cloth of symbolicalness', like everyone else. Or, at the very least - since these were American cloths of symbolicalness - 'stupid rag on a stick'".

Celebrity spokestruther Rosie O'Donnell was at least somewhat understanding of the former First Lady's faux pas, saying "I think this outburst arose out of frustration over years of, like me, being a closeted thespian."

[IMAO News reporter seaniep contributed to this story]

Saw this on Red State and am not really sure how damning it is, but here's the list of services and the copays for healthcare in Massachusetts as passed under Romney and right near the beginning of the second page is abortion for $50 (cheap!). I believe Romney's explanation is that government funded abortion was unavoidable under the Massachusetts's constitution, but I can also see another reason he didn't get the NRLC endorsement.

This reminds of a teacher I had who explained he never put money in parking meters because he calculated that based how often he got a ticket and how much they cost, it was cheaper to pay the occasional ticket than always pay for parking. If you sleep around a lot and are on a budget, you might want to weigh constantly buying contraceptives versus the occasional abortion. Tell us your results!

So are the Democrats trying to legislate Heaven? Howard Dean said:

"This country is not a theocracy. There are fundamental differences between the Republican Party and the Democratic Party. The Democratic Party believes that everybody in this room ought to be comfortable being an American Jew, not just an American; that there are no bars to heaven for anybody; that we are not a one-religion nation; and that no child or member of a football team ought to be able to cringe at the last line of a prayer before going onto the field."

The Democratic Party believes everybody gets into Heaven no matter what? Are they going to pass bills to that effect? Are they going to model salvation on outcome-based education?

If you let the Democrats take charge of Heaven, it's going to become one big crack den, I guarantee. That's why you should never let any Democrats into Heaven, but I'm sure God in His infinite wisdom already knows that.

Hillary Clinton wishes the debates would focus less on things she doesn't know like her position on giving driver's licenses to illegal aliens and more on things she does know like the difficulty of setting puppies on fire.

As I said before and keep saying, never give a monkey a gun and don't teach them karate. Similarly, don't give driver's license to illegals and never talk to a Ron Paul supporter with anything other than a tone reserved for small children.

At a speech at the Citadel, Fred Thompson called for a larger military, more modern weaponry, and smarter, less smelly enemies to fight. Sorry, hippies, he'll kill you last.

ZK

Let's meet some more IMAO readers. Today, it's ZK.

* * * *

What's the story behind your name? It's actually an abbreviation of my old internet handle, Zerokun, back from when I was a huge fan of Megaman X. Since then, my taste in games and whatnot has expanded, but I'll always remember this old handle fondly.

Where do you live? West Milford, NJ. A right-wing sanctuary in the left-wing corruption capital of the country.

How old are you? Old enough to vote and drink, but still not old enough to know better(read: 31.)

Tell us briefly about yourself. I'm just a simple man trying to make his way through the universe.

How long have you been reading IMAO? For a few years now. I actually discovered this blog from the Anti-Idiotarian Rotweiller. When I'd read your impassioned plea to nuke the moon, I knew I'd stumbled upon something worth following.

What's your favorite IMAO post? If you're talking about specific posts, it's when everyone's favorite globular mass of socialist agitprop gets a fine how-do-you-do from Mr. S.M.I.T.E. But if you're talking about categories, I'm a particular fan of Fred Facts, In My World, Hate-Filled Lefty, LOLterizt, Adventures of Aquaman, and Know Thy Enemy.

If you were to describe IMAO in three words, what would those be? We Hate Monkeys.

What's your favorite political issue? The war, tax reform, the whole oil thing, immigration reform, the first two Amendments in the Bill of Rights (I don't actually own a gun myself, but definitely wouldn't mind owning one someday,) and any time liberals get figuratively punched in their dumb monkey faces. And literally.

Do you have a website? If so, please tell us briefly about it. I have a LiveJournal. (http://zk273.livejournal.com) Does that count?

[No. -Ed.]

Do you have a hanker for a hunk o' cheese? Stinkin' hunka muenster, yeah yeah yeah!

* * * *

If you commented in the last post asking for participants, you're still in the running. Thanks to everyone who has participated thus far; just because you may not think you're interesting doesn't mean we won't enjoy your story.

I'm trying to decide whether to support Ron Paul or Fred Thompson for president. Does anyone out in the internets have some advice for me?

John Edward's idea of macho? Watching Titanic without Kleenex handy.

Ron Paul is dumb. I'm glad no one is voting for him. Who wants to bring currency back to the gold standard like a bunch of cavemen? I guess people with simple minds who like shiny things. Not Americans though. Certainly not people who respect the Constitution.

Time for a little mockery of the stupid citizens who keep rooting for the wrong camp:

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---

Morphing from Michael.

From jihadonlibs:

From TGWShark:

From Josh:

Two from FormerHostage:

Three from AlanABQ:

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Next week, back to mockn' them squinty-eyed, head-wrapped, splodey-dopn' furriners.

I feel like I should say something about American flags falling to ground simply by being in the presence of Hillary Clinton, but, really, what can I add to that?

Are we supposed to pretend these don't exist?

Do you know where the presidential candidates stand on volcanoes? It's a continuous threat we face, but no one seems to have the courage to talk about it. At any moment, volcanoes could rip out of the ground and spew forth all the molten rock, ash, toxic waste, meth, diet cola, and other evil the volcanoes have stored up in their lairs deep within the earth. Volcanoes could kill millions, but what threat do we hear politicians talking about? Pirates. Yes, pirates are a problem, but even the most villainous, scurvy ridden pirate cannot compare to the destructive power of the average volcano. Plus, we can at least understand the motivations of pirates since we all have the desire to rape, pillage, plunder deep inside. The volcano's desire to simply destroy everything on the surface of the earth is not something the average man can comprehend.

It's time we get our politicians and especially those seeking the office of the president to tell us where they stand on volcanoes. It's time they ask the tough questions such as what can we do to stop volcanoes? When and where are the volcanoes plotting to explode? Are any of the hills in our communities volcanoes in disguise? Are geysers in league with them? How do the Jews fit into this? Are they working in association with the squirrels?

We can't just stick our heads in the ground when it comes to volcanoes, because that's where volcanoes live.

If even one cough or sneeze in the audience at a Hillary Clinton event is unscripted, she spend the next hour in a back room screaming and tearing chunks of flesh from her staffers.

I guess things are pretty messed up in Pakistan. Now, I don't really understand the political situation there (I barely understand the political situation here; why do we care what Iowans think of the presidential candidates?), but I know they have nukes which makes this unrest our interest. What happens if radical Muslims take over Pakistan and nuke India? What will happen to customer service?

Hopefully things will work out peacefully. I think our troops are getting tired of conflicts in that region. They really want to kill people on the mountains in Europe or on a tropical island for a change. Maybe we, the American people, can help calm things down by sending cards. "Sorry for the unrest. Hope things work out. Thinking of you, America." Then they'll know that other people care about them and to not be so down. In the end, Pakistanis are just like you and me, except dumber and more violent. And they have six arms, unless I'm thinking of something else.

I really don't know anything about Pakistan.

The reason the National Right to Life Committee is endorsing Fred Thompson is that they figured the best way to preserve life is to not piss off Fred Thompson.

I forget if I ever linked to this guy when I first saw him on the net, but this Marine warrior poet had an interview on FOX News today. Instead of getting a recording contract, he's reenlisting. A great way to end the extended Veterans Day weekend:



While we're talking about the Marines, you're running out of time to show your support to them and help wounded servicemen from all the branches:



The fundraising contest ends today, so please donate!

John Edwards hates it when women try to cut in while he's dancing with his buddies.

Newton, IOWA (AP) Staffers working for Hillary Clinton's presidential campaign are concerned that the recent writers' strike may affect their ability to plant softball questions among sympathetic audience members.

"That's easy! My name is Hillary, I seek the presidency, and my favorite color is blue."

"It's hard enough making a soulless demon-woman like Hillary appear likeable even under ideal conditions," said Mark Daley, Clinton’s Iowa Communications Director. "Easy questions like 'what will you do to stop global warming?' give her a chance to dig out from under her natural unlikability."

For months, Clinton has relied on the subtle touch of professional writers for the questions that made her appear less like an unnatural baby-eating monster, but with this resource no longer available, she's recently placed her fate in less secure hands.

"We've started using Kos Diarists," said Daley. "They're not as good, but they're willing to work for the prestige and the occasional Krispy Kreme. Unfortunately, their output is a little more... obvious. We're having to use things like 'I don't pay my fair share of taxes. How will you correct this injustice?' and 'With your difficult and busy campaign schedule, how do you find time to keep your cleavage so fresh and perky?'. Still, you have to campaign with the planted questions you have, not the planted questions you might want or wish to have at a later time."

Markos Moulitsas Zúniga, founder of the Daily Kos, objected to Daley's disparaging evaluation. "My website represents mainstream America's mainstreamest thoughts. If we decide to ask Hillary "Why are you so great and how may we best worship you?', then that's obviously a question that America wants answered."

 Many uneasy of electing evil, hideous, inhuman beast, which is why cave troll offers himself as alternative to Hillary in Democratic primary. While cave troll can not honestly claim to care about puny humans, he promise only to kill them if hungry. Will you get a similar promise from Hillary? Do not make cave troll laugh! Seriously, that causes cave ins.

 Cave troll has long accomplished record of guarding cave (it's not like me claim experience for being married to one who guards cave). I smash many human and tiny hobbits. I bring this direct problem solving to the presidency. Unlike Hillary, cave troll will tell you exactly what he thinks on issues. Like torture: Cave troll against torture. Torture too complex for cave troll's giant hands. Cave troll only like to smash and make dead. And if you ask cave troll about drivers license for illegal immigrants, cave troll will not dodge question. Cave troll smash!

 Cave troll not only give opinions. Cave troll also offer solutions. Here is cave troll's solutions for important issues:

* Tax Cuts for Rich: Cave troll smash with club!

* Illegal Wiretaps: Cave troll smash with fist!

* Social Security: Cave troll smash with war hammer! (but leave benefits for seniors and those about to retire unaffected; cave troll not stupid)

* Homelessness: Me eat homeless!

* Racism: Cave troll stomp!

* Illegal Immigration: Unsolvable.

 You should also know that cave troll was always against invading Iraq. Why does Iraq have to do with cave troll's cave? Nothing, so it of not importance to cave troll. Great wisdom there. If you elect cave troll, you know troops will come home soon. They will have to so they can fight cave troll! Graaah!

 If you look at issues, you will see that cave troll obvious better choice for president than monstrous Hillary. Me hope you consider voting for cave troll in Democratic primary and bring Democratic party back to its roots. And, though me eat humans, know that afterwards I always leave tip.

Cave troll is a cave troll.

Confused by what a soul food restaurant is, when asked for her order at one Hillary replied, "I'll swallow your soul!" She did not leave a tip.

Got this as a late comment to a post about Ron Paul, and I thought I'd share. It was posted under the name "Ronald Reagan":

I like Ron Paul. He is a Vetean, and he will be a fine President.

I really do not understand why you would want to elect Hillary with all those loser Candidates.

Vote Ron Paul. He is the winner among us.

From context, I assume a Vetean is either a type of benevolent space alien or a member of a mystical suborder of the high elves.

Funding raising for Valour-IT hasn't gone as well as previous years -- probably because of something I did -- but you can still help the Marine Corps maintain their lead over the other branches (and help reach the goal of $100,000 for all four branches combined). Please consider giving some money to the cause. Our wounded troops have sacrificed a lot, and its our duty as citizens to do what we can.

Fred Thompson once took out an entire swarm of bees with a pair of chopsticks.

Still a few hours left.

Put a lolterizt!-style caption on a picture of some American who - through word or deed - has made life easier for the terrorist POS's that are trying to kill us all.

Please note, the caption need not mention terrorism. We're just generally mocking the photos of the self-serving/stupid/evil people that are making this war harder for the good guys to win.

E-mail your picture to lolterizt-at-gmail.com by 6pm EST, Monday, November 12th, and I'll post the entries on Tuesday.

Remember to include the name or pseudonym under which you'd like to receive credit for your entry, and your blog/website URL, if applicable.

DISCLAIMER - As usual, I reserve the right to reject any entry that's unsuitably crude (by IMAO standards) or despairingly unfunny.

A reporter talked with the Islamic Rage Boy, and by the end of this article when I found out the government was trying to get him to stop protesting, I was like, "No! That's all the poor guy has!" Seriously, from the sound of it, he has quite a rough life to be raging about but actually sounds kind of optimistic in that he think he can change things through organizing demonstrations. He even was against the 9/11 attack until he found out American's own government did it (he's illiterate in an area where there don't get much outside news; what's the conspiracy theorists in America's excuse?).

Poor Rage Boy. Now I feel bad for making fun of him.

Heard this song from Drowning Pool while in the car and thought I'd share it. I like country music, but I certainly wouldn't mind more patriotic rock songs:

Thanks to all the veterans. You guys make me feel pretty worthless. Also, a shout out to my brother, Joe foo' the Marine, whose birthday is today and is also a combat veteran and now an officer in the Marines. He's thirty today and well on his way to being an old grizzled vet.

UPDATE:

I found out that Drowning Pool has made the song "Soldiers" available as a free download on the USO MySpace page. Also, it's on their new album Full Circle.

Ears? Tail? Where do YOU start eating a chocolate bunny? John Edwards's answer is "neither..." and you don't want to know the rest.

If America is every attacked by zombies, you can expect Hillary Clinton to be one of the first out fighting them screaming, "Those brains are mine! Mine!"

You know how the old saying goes: "If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's a gorilla if that's what Fred Thompson says it is."

Watching this Corvette commercial from 1984, I'm stuck between thinking, "Wow! That's awesome!" and "Were we all retarded in the 80s or something?"

I think the answer is we were retarded, but in an awesome way. So awesome.

(hat tip the Puppy Blender)

John Edwards's eternal punishment in Hell? Having Carrot Top's hair.

Hey, the Navy was killing Iranians back before it was hip & trendy. And yeah, I was there.

You can say "thank you" by supporting the Navy's Valour-IT (Voice Activated Laptops for Our Injured Troops) fundraising efforts.

"Someone please kill me."

Ok, so your wife drags you out clothes shopping, you get into the Banana Boston Gap Republic Store of Bad Fashion Ideas or whatever the hell it's called, and just before she disappears into the dressing room for 6 freakin' hours, she hands you her purse and says "go sit down over there, I'll just be a minute".

Let's talk about "over there".

Is there a special name for that thing upon which unfortunate men must perch?

The Penalty Box?

The Bench of Boredom?

The Chair of Despair?

Come on guys, help me out. I *know* you've had to do time there. What's that thing called?

It's the day before Veterans Day, which means its the Marines' birthday. Why don't you give the present by donating to Valour-IT:



They're still behind the Army in this fundraising competition, so helping them get ahead would be a great way to say thanks for all the evil foreigners they've put in the ground.

Hillary Clinton's touring hospitals to promote her healthcare plan was hampered by the fact that when she is around sick people she can't help but exclaim, "Suffering! Beautiful suffering!"

Fred Thompson has released a comprehensive plan to save Social Security: Kill old hippies.

hadsil

Let's meet some more IMAO readers. Today, it's hadsil.

* * * *

What's the story behind your name? My geekiness is exposed. A long time ago I was playing the Ars Magica roleplaying game and my character gave birth to a son. I used the first letters of all party members' names to get his name - Hadsil. It's actually the coolest name, I think, I ever came up with for any character I've played. The father was another party member. We didn't roleplay the consumation, but it would have been interesting.

Where do you live? Bay Shore, NY

How old are you? 37

Tell us briefly about yourself. Single, mostly harmless Jewish guy. I work in market research, so when I read of blogs here at IMAO or elsewhere chastising opinion polls, I have an insider perspective of irony. My company has not done the various polls that were talked about, but we have worked with IPSOS. Anyway, my geekiness is paramount. If it's not D&D, then it's nothing.

How long have you been reading IMAO? Over 2 years. Shameless plug: you can thank Michelle Malkin. I started to read her blog after I read her "Liberals Unhinged" book. She was my introduction to the blogosphere. I use her bloglist to get to my favorites.

What's your favorite IMAO post? It was never anything specific, just the whole thing, but lately the John Edwards digs are getting my biggest laughs. To boost your ego, I was a solid Giuliani supporter but Fred Thompson is looking better all the time. A Thompson/Giuliani ticket would be primo.

[That would make the nutroots squeal in anger. -Ed.]

If you were to describe IMAO in three words, what would those be? Laughing At Liberals, but that's easy.

What's your favorite political issue? There are quite a number that pique my interest, but there is one issue I find that always gets my goat - men's rights. Modern feminism is not about empowering women but rather destroying men.

Do you have a website? If so, please tell us briefly about it. None

[A geek without a website? -Ed.]

What do you think would be the best part of a Hillary Clinton presidency? Republicans definitely get back Congress in 2010, the Presidency in 2012, and even then I'll wish I lived in France.

* * * *

If you commented in the last post asking for participants, you're still in the running. Thanks to everyone who has participated thus far; just because you may not think you're interesting doesn't mean we won't enjoy your story.

You know what they say about Ron Paul: First they ignore you, then they ridicule you, then they ridicule you, then they ridicule you, then they ridicule you, then they ridicule you, then they ridicule you...

I know I seem really pro-Fred Thompson here, but I just want it to be known that in the end I'll support whoever is the Republican nominee... unless its Ron Paul. In that case, I'm going to seek out Morpheus so I can take the red pill.

John Edwards insists that The Producers wasn't a "real" musical. Now "Rent"...

Bonus Fact from Matthew:
John Edwards' favorite flower is the Cock's Comb, as it combines his two favorite things.

So NBC changed the color of its logo green for this week while they had little segments in commercials telling people to save energy. Does anyone really think that accomplishes anything other than yelling, "Hey! Look at me! I'm environmentally conscious!" It's just so masturbatory. People have been using little variations of the same tune since I was but a wee boy, and it's nothing but people pretending that their meaningless efforts really matter to the world so they can feel good about themselves. The truth is, for the most part, the planet couldn't care less whether you exist or not. Also, the biggest solutions to pollution come from innovations brought on by market forces that have nothing to do with good intentions (pollution is waste and thus inefficiency).

If you really want to do something to help the planet right now, kill a terrorist. Otherwise, being a productive member of our consumer society is good enough.

Oh, and properly dispose of hazardous chemicals.

SAN FRANCISCO (AP) - An 810-foot-long container ship crashed into the base of a tower of the Bay Bridge's western span in heavy fog Wednesday, spilling 58,000 gallons of fuel into San Francisco Bay. America's leading environmental groups surprised pundits and analysts alike by neither feining outrage for fundraising purposes nor blaming President Bush to score political points with Democrats.

Unable to dodge an oil slick moving .1 mph, this bird deserved to die.

Sierra Club President Robbie Cox greeted the news with a noncommittal shrug. "If you consider how much water is in the Bay, the contamination is about 2 parts per billion. Hell, South San Francisco dumped 2 million gallons of raw sewage back in 2004. What's a little oil on top of THAT?"

John Passacantando, Executive Director of Greenpeace USA, was similarly unimpressed by the news. "Back in 1996, over 40,000 gallons of oil got dumped in the Bay, and we made a pretty big stink about it. Turned out that by the time a year had passed, you couldn't even tell. The beaches were open, and plant & animal populations were completely back to normal. I blush to think of how much time, energy, and funding we wasted fussing over what turned out to be nothing. We're not falling into THAT trap again."

Fred Krupp, president of the Environmental Defense Fund, seemed more annoyed by questions from the press than angry about the ecological tragedy. "Ok, so a few gulls & sea lions die. They're just ANIMALS for cryin' out loud! It's not like any PEOPLE are going to die from this. And besides, the only animal fatalities will be those who are too slow or too stupid to avoid swimming through an oil slick. Those kinds of critters you want out of the gene pool, anyway. Hand of Darwin, and all that."

Although Al Gore could not be reached directly for comment, his office did issue the following press release:

"It doesn't affect global warming. I don't give a @#$%."

I saw Ron Paul at a rally the other day, and he was all talking about how important it is to follow the Constitution, but where he finally cited something from the Constitution, he said, "The Constitution clearly states that hitting your ball into a water hazard is a one stroke penalty!"

That's not the Constitution! This whole time he must have read the official rule for golf and thought it was the Constitution! All of his supporters just cheered, though, but maybe they didn't hear him because they were wearing underwear on their heads.

I can't believe a whole one percent of people want to vote for Ron Paul. Those are crazy people.

Many Democrats are hesitant about the Hillary candidacy because secretly they wonder if America is ready to elect pure evil.

Looks like IMAO once again didn't win funniest blog in the Weblog awards. We got less votes than any other year, probably on a account of not being nominated.

I blame Harvey.

By a vote of 53-40, Michael Mukasey was confirmed as the next Attorney General, who, for all we know, will continue to allow George Bush to ignore the law and torture in the name of the United States.

Wow that really shook the rat cage and got them screeching and squealing over at Daily Kos. You have commenters calling all of the 53 senators who voted for Muckasey traitors and Nazis because they voted for some who wouldn't say whether waterboarding -- used on only three Al Qaeda operatives, the last time in 2003 -- is torture.

How do you pretend to care this much? Is there a name for a syndrome where you take very personally world events that have nothing to do with you and probably will never affect you? It's definitely a combination of arrogance and stupidity, I'm just trying to think of nice little name -- wienerism, maybe.

Taxes get so depressed when they hear Fred Thompson is in charge that they cut themselves.

Fuloydo

Let's meet some more IMAO readers. Today, it's Fuloydo.

* * * *

What's the story behind your name? My actual name is Floyd. I spent several years back in the 80's working for a Japanese company and all of the upper management and most of the engineers were Japanese who spoke English as very much a second language, if at all. Fu-loy-do was how they pronounced my name. (They pronounced my last name Ku-raa-ku. You have roll the "r" and give it a teensy bit of "l" for the proper effect.)

Where do you live? A (very) small town by the name of Adrian located about 50 miles south of Kansas City, MO

How old are you? I'm not 45 yet. :)

Tell us briefly about yourself. Disabled, spend all my time either reading or surfing the intertubes, and am a collector. (note: collector=geek....Science Fiction books, DVD's, Movie posters, Fantasy swords, etc.) I also collect guns, as I can afford them, and I studied martial arts off and on for several years prior to my accident, including kendo, and still have all the stuff associated with those. Basically, I'm a geeky packrat. I speak a very limited amount of Japanese, just about sufficient to ask where the bathroom is and please can I have another beer, and I can fluently say "I don't understand, do you speak English?"

How long have you been reading IMAO? Not sure....I first discovered blogs shortly after 9-11 and didn't really get heavily into them until the memogate incident prior to the 2004 elections. I came across IMAO as a link from one of those, probably Ace of Spades though it could have been the puppy blender. Say three-four years.

What's your favorite IMAO post? Split between the Know Thy Enemy posts and the cartoons. You are an incredible artist.

If you were to describe IMAO in three words, what would those be? Irreverent, with guns.

What's your favorite political issue? The 2nd Amendment. "From my cold dead hands" is not a bumper sticker, it's a promise. I have a Missouri CCW permit and I never leave my home without my Sig.

Do you have a website? If so, please tell us briefly about it. I used to host http://www.excelsiornews.com on a server in my basement but got tired of the headaches. The site still exists but I'm no longer an admin and it's no longer on my server. It's an entertainment news discussion forum inhabited by the standard range of internet fanboys.

If Rose O'Donnell get her own show, what channel do you think it should be on? I'd say the Cartoon Network but that would expose our children to her......Bravo is the obvious choice......How about Animal Planet?

* * * *

If you commented in the last post asking for participants, you're still in the running. Thanks to everyone who has participated thus far; just because you may not think you're interesting doesn't mean we won't enjoy your story.

Anagrams for all the presidential candidates. I especially like the Hillary one.

If elected president, John Edwards promises to make antiquing an Olympic sport.

Can you believe it? Hillary Clinton doesn't do well among male voters. I think that's because even thinking of voting for Hillary causes shrinkage. Permanent shrinkage.

Edwards does okay among men, though, because he's so pretty.

The Democrats are going to try and tie troop funding to withdrawal again. They're going to fail again as opinion against the war isn't as bad the last time they tried and failed. Do you think it ever disturbs the Democrats that there is a war going on involving life and death and their main function is to annoy everyone who are actually trying to accomplish something.

It seems like in every movie there is a character whose main job it is to make the good guys job harder. There's the good guys, the bad guys, and then this character who isn't for the bad guys but just serves as another obstacle for the good guys to overcome... usually a bureaucrat. I'm trying to think of a famous example, but the best I can come up with is the EPA guy in the Ghostbusters movie even though I can't remember his name. I guess there's a lesson there: Those characters are always quite forgettable in the end.

AMANA, Iowa (AP) - After claiming that his wife Hillary was "swiftboated" during the recent Democratic debates, Bill Clinton was immediately inundated with complaints about his insensitivity to the Vietnamese-American population.

"Whaddya mean I don't get a purple heart for this?"

Pham Manh Cuong, founder of the Vietnamese Anti-Defamation League, explained his outrage. "Bill Clinton used 'swiftboating' to describe how his stupid cow of a wife can't give a straight answer to a simple question. The fact is, American swift boats inflicted many traumas to my people during the war. These swift boats cut off my limbs and razed my village in a manner reminiscent of Genghis Khan. How dare he make light of that!"

Presidential hopeful Barack Obama dismissed Cuong's reaction as 'hypersensitivity'. "Come on. It's an election year. I think old Fat Man Chong just needs a thicker skin. Besides, it's not like Bill said 'lynching', which would be highly offensive to my blackitude."

Although not outright apologizing, the former President did offer a clarification. "I understand the term 'swiftboating' may have been offensive to some people whose votes nobody cares about, which is a shame, really, because those guys make good fortune cookies. Anyway, I suppose I should've chosen my words more carefully. I meant to say that I thought Hillary had been 'Auschwitzed'."

When Hillary Clinton looks you in the eyes, it's not a sign of respect. It means she's hungry and wants to eat your eyeballs.

Dean Barnett, who was one of my favorite bloggers until he recently left Townhall, has an article in the Weekly Standard that is perhaps the best explanation I've seen so far of Ron Paul's inexplicable popularity among crazy people. It also includes some nice photoshops that illustrate his point nicely. Go read it and come back here to make fun of Ronulans in the comments.

I think people who think Ron Paul is a great candidate should be removed from society and put into forced labor camps where they can make us wallets (as prescribed by the Constitution). What do you think?

(hat tip Conservative Grapevine)

Bullfighting doesn't work with Fred Thompson as a matador because, instead of charging, the bull flees in terror. The audience, too.

IMAO made number ten on Right Wing News' list of forty favorite blogs. I hope IMAO is your tenth favorite blog too.

Actually, I didn't even know there were that many blogs. I can only think of about five off the top of my head. How many are there now?

Whitehorse

Let's meet some more IMAO readers. Today, it's Whitehorse.

* * * *

What's the story behind your name? I always liked the paintings of the famous leaders & generals riding on a gallant white horse, drawing the attention of the enemy but smartly staying out of range! Plus, I just thought it sounded pretty cool.

Where do you live? Beautiful Pegram Tennessee, just outside of Metro Nashville Davidson County

How old are you? Most people who've answered this have been really creative; I believe, however, that brevity is the soul of wit! I'm 41 & already a grandfather to the most awesome grandson ever conceived & born!

Tell us briefly about yourself. 41 years old, married for almost 20 years to the same lovely woman. I've really become more interested & involved in the political process at the grassroots level over the last 10 years, though I started college as pre-law. I work for a really good company (which will remain unnamed) in the wireless telecommunications industry. The focus of my job is helping others succeed, coaching them to continue what is right & change that which is wrong. Sometimes I have to be kind of an A-hole, but at least I'm a nice A-hole... Have one son, 19; 1 grandson, 2 months; & one dog, 7 years. When I'm not working, doing whatever my wife tells me needs done around the house, or pontification on the social & political, I'm doing something else... My preferable something else is hunting - venison is good food!

How long have you been reading IMAO? Only about 6 or 7 months or so, however I've gone back through much of the archives - brilliant writing!

[I know! -Ed.]

What's your favorite IMAO post? I came here first for the Fred Thompson facts, & have stayed for it & everything else?

[Ha! You fell for my brilliant plan! -Ed.]

If you were to describe IMAO in three words, what would those be? This Place Rocks!

What's your favorite political issue? Being honest, my favorite thing about politics is the election process itself. My #1 issue is the war on islamist jihadism, very closely followed by the pantheon of issues encompassing illegal aliens & border security.

Do you have a website? If so, please tell us briefly about it. Yes, it's http://www.whitehorsemusings.blogspot.com - I don't update it as much as I've wanted, however I have been told that at least 2 people (other than I) have seen it.

What is it about Islamic terrorists that liberals like so much? Pretty close match, in my opinion, between the smell of stale feces that comes from poor "toilet skills" & the fact that the islamic terrorists can carry a snack along in their unkempt beards...

* * * *

If you commented in the last post asking for participants, you're still in the running. Thanks to everyone who has participated thus far; just because you may not think you're interesting doesn't mean we won't enjoy your story.

Dear Prince,

Hindu Love Gods did Raspberry Beret better than you did.

They still could do it better, and Warren's been dead three years.

SUCK ON IT!

Signed,
Someone who only uses your photo to help him vomit, so it's legal, right?

Going by unique visitors, Fred Thompson easily leads among the presidential candidates from both parties with 635,000 for fred08.com easily beating second place Obama's 433,000 for whatever his site is. Surprisingly, Ron Paul, whose supporters have nothing better to do than hang out on the internet all day, rank's third among Republicans and sixth overall.

I think Fred Thompson's site would get even more traffic if it had like some cool flash games where you control Fred Thompson shooting terrorists and communists in the face and then have a bonus round where you cut taxes with a machete. The first presidential candidate with an awesome flash game is totally going to win the White House.

BTW, while September ended up being an off month traffic wise for IMAO, we still brought in about as many unique visitors a day as Kucinich got all month. Hopefully impotently trying to impeach the vice president will give him the popularity boost he needs!

(hat tip Conservative Grapevine)

UPDATE:

Someone how this became one of the tops hits for "Ron Paul" on Google News, and you how Ronulans have nothing better to do than look for mentions of Ron Paul in the news all day...

John Edwards thinks riding a Segway makes him look butch.

Relatively speaking, he's correct.

Bonus Fact from Casper the Friendly Host:
When John Edwards overheard one of his staff members talking about a receding glacier, he squealed "Hillary’s dropping out?"

Everyone seems to be worried about global warming melting the polar ice caps, but why would that affect us? Do we use them for anything? Some say that would raise the water level and flood coastal cities, but we're a rich country and can make more cities if we need them. There's plenty of land in the Midwest for cities, too. Anyway, cities with their high density of population are becoming less useful in the internet age.

I just don't get what the problem is here. I say we go ahead and melt the ice caps so people will stop worrying about them. We could use nukes, but I'm afraid the radiation from that might be harmful to the environment.

Found this on My Way News via Drudge, and it was also recommended by Jeff in VA:

You guys have fun. I'll tuck mine away in the extended entry...

(Yeah, I know... "that's what HE said"...)

Read More...

What do you think Hillary Clinton will ultimately be impeached for when she's impeached (if she's elected president). I would think obstruction of justice or perjury would have the highest odds, but bribery also seems possible. Then there are the not as likely but still possible things like kidnapping, murder, and witchcraft.

What do you think Hillary Clinton will be impeached for (if elected president)?

Hillary Clinton is for banning all guns and all bullets... especially silver ones.

The big front page story on CNN.com yesterday was a story saying Florida cops are having to deal more assault weapons and tries to link it to the lapse of the assault weapons ban. The problem is, the reporter keep referring to the criminals having fully-automatic weapons that were smuggled in from former Soviet bloc countries, i.e., actual assault weapons, which as you all know has nothing to do the assault weapons ban which only banned certain types of semi-automatic weapons, i.e., not assault weapons.

Now, police officers having to deal with smuggled AK-47s is certainly a story, but the reporters made this one complete crap by trying to tie that in with a bill that absolutely nothing to do with anything else mentioned in the story. I know it's kind of confusing (it's like a bill that makes jay walking a felony being called the "Anti-Pedophile Bill" and when you strike it down every proclaims "Now pedophiles are going to flood the streets!"), but it says this article was written by Susan Candiotti with Patrick Oppmann, Rich Phillips, and Ann O'Neill contributing, and we're supposed to believe that of the four of them reporting on a story about the so-called assault weapons ban, none of them new it had nothing to do with automatic weapons. That's makes them all either extremely ignorant of the agenda they were pushing or extremely dishonest.

I don't even know how to pester these people into writing a correction -- or just not writing crap -- but if I did, I would. Maybe we should pass a five day waiting period on writing ignorant, agenda-driven stories about guns so people have time to think about what they're doing. If a waiting period on buying firearms isn't unconstitutional, then a waiting period on speech certainly isn't. Let's see if after five days the reporters still believe they want to be that dishonest and stupid.

UPDATE:

A lot of people are pointing out this quote from the story:

Designed to shoot from the hip, fully automatic assault rifles such as the AK-47 can spray at a rate of up to 600 rounds a minute.

Now, I've never fired a fully-automatic weapon (they were $25 to rent at a range I've gone to at Idaho; who has that kind of money), but is it even possible to fire a fully-auto assault rifle without bracing it against your shoulder? I'm looking at you, veterans; do something useful for once and answer my question.

Do you think these reporters use action movies as a research tool?

UPDATE 2:

Consensus seems to be that while fully automatic rifles can be fired from the hip, it only works as inaccurate suppressive fire and aren't what they're "designed" for. Also, with 30-rd magazines, it won't last very long at that rate of fire (which is why suppressive fire is more seen with belt fed machine guns).

Why it a bad idea to anger Bruce Banner? Because he's a friend of Fred Thompson.

How the media quoted John Edwards:
"You know, I believe in Santa Claus. I believe in the tooth fairy."

What he actually said:
"You know, I believe in men in love. I believe I'm, in truth, a fairy."

[Hat tip: Kyle]

Bonus Fact from Jim:
Victoria's Secret? Johnnie's pantie size.

I think it would be better if it ended with him ripping the head off a terrorist with the spine still attached, but this is still pretty good.

The Marines are still behind the Army. Of course, the Navy is in last place. No one likes them. They have to call on Aquaman half the time to get anything done.

You like the Marines killing people, don't you? Then donate to Valour-IT in their name to show you support their killing of evil foreigners (and foreigners who just aren't nice enough).

No One of Consequence

Let's meet some more IMAO readers. Today, it's No One of Consequence.

* * * *

What's the story behind your name? Picture two men, master swordsmen, in a grand duel. In the course of the battle, one man, a dark-haired Spainard by the name of Inigo Montoya, asks of his opponent "Who are you?". The other, the mysterious man in black, replies "No one of consequence".

Where do you live? Minneapolis, MN

How old are you? Do you want that in binary, octal, decimal, hexadecimal, or that weird base 6 crap?

[Who ever uses octal, for that matter. -Ed.]

Tell us briefly about yourself. Let's see... My wife and I have been married now for 10 years, and have a wonderful little 3-year-old boy. By day, I am a mild-mannered, computery type guy. By night, I battle vampires in a post-apocalyptic war zone.

How long have you been reading IMAO? Not entirely sure. Since before the t-shirt babe contest, but it's a little hazy beyond that.

What's your favorite IMAO post? I miss The Limey. Are we still supposed to rage against the machine? 'Cause my food processor was getting on my nerves the other day...

If you were to describe IMAO in three words, what would those be? Cause For Termination

What's your favorite political issue? The issue for me that most angries up the blood is personal responsibility (is that a political issue)? I don't much like being told I'm such an idiot that, not only is someone else responsible for the consequences of the decisions I've made, I shouldn't even be making those decisions (because, of course, my political betters know what is best).

Do you have a website? If so, please tell us briefly about it. I maintain two websites. One has pictures of my son, the other my wife's pottery. Both are woefully out of date, so no links. I tried blogging quite a while back, but that died pretty quick.

Since you've had a quote on the sidebar of IMAO for a some time now, doesn't that make you at least somewhat consequential? hmmmm...short answer, yes with an if... long answer, no with a but...

* * * *

If you commented in the last post asking for participants, you're still in the running. Thanks to everyone who has participated thus far; just because you may not think you're interesting doesn't mean we won't enjoy your story.

Gonna try something.

I've noticed that some people can't resist doing lolterizt! captions to Americans with questionable patriotism.

What the hell. Let's run with it.

Put a lolterizt!-style caption on a picture of some American who - through word or deed - has made life easier for the terrorist POS's that are trying to kill us all.

Please note, the caption need not mention terrorism. We're just generally mocking the photos of the self-serving/stupid/evil people that are making this war harder for the good guys to win.

E-mail your picture to lolterizt-at-gmail.com by 6pm EST, Monday, November 12th, and I'll post the entries on Tuesday.

Remember to include the name or pseudonym under which you'd like to receive credit for your entry, and your blog/website URL, if applicable.

DISCLAIMER - As usual, I reserve the right to reject any entry that's unsuitably crude (by IMAO standards) or despairingly unfunny.

Once again, pass 'em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don't be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

---

---

From badmartin:

From Shoutingboy (not technically a terrorist, but she's done plenty of work for their side, so I'll toss it in):

[reference link]

Three from Erik Wit:

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PRODUCTION NOTE: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and - if they aren't obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don't suck too terribly bad - I'll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

Wow. 4.2 million in one day. Let that be a lesson for politicians: You can have a huge online presence if you just get the insane conspiracy theorists, neo-Nazis, and other assembled losers energized by your candidacy.

Still, that won't be enough money to cover up that Ron Paul is a crank supported by people who make the Heaven's Gate cult look rational, and I wonder if all the donors are going to have a bit of buyers remorse when they think of what a rocking Star Trek convention $4.2 million could fund.

UPDATE:

Another Wired article on Ronulan shenanigans. Expect more freaking out from them.

"Hello reporters and other malcontents," President Bush said to the people assembled on the field. "I have gathered you here to witness the defining moment of my presidency."

"I thought that was Iraq," one reporter said.

"No, that was to distract everyone from this which is much more awesome. This is--"

"We're out in a field," another reporter said.

"Yes, that so you can get a better view of--"

"It's cold and windy here."

"Shut up!" Bush shouted. "You wonder why people hate you? This is why! Now listen; this is important. Anyway, here it is: The greatest accomplishment of my presidency. Look up in the sky."

"Is that a small moon?" said one curious reporter.

"That's no moon!" exclaimed another. "That's a space station!"

"That's right!" Bush smiled. "I built myself a freak'n Death Star!"

The reporters gasped in astonishment. Finally, one asked, "So what's it do?"

Bush rolled his eyes. "It blows up planets! How do you not know that? You guys are idiots."

"Are you going to blow up the earth?"

"No! That's where I keep my stuff. It's for blowing up other planets."

All the reporters were silent for a while. "Why?"

Bush threw his hands in the air. "I swear, you guys ask the dumbest questions! Do you not understand this? I have a Death Star! This is like the greatest event ever! It's like man first landing on the moon and then doing an awesome guitar solo! Ask some good questions for once!"

"Is is carbon neutral?"

"Gah! Who cares?! It can destroy environments in a single shot! How do you not understand how awesome this is?!!"

"Can we see it blow up a planet?"

"Finally. A decent question," Bush said. "I'm afraid the answer is no, though. I was going to have it blow up Venus since that's closest and we don't use it for anything, but it ends up it hard to move the thing. I thought it would be easy since in space everything is weightless, but it ends up it still has that other thing... uh... mass. Anyway, just know it can blow up planets and we're working on how to move it to other planets to blow them up. Next question."

All the reporters were silent for a few seconds until one finally raised his hand. "Again, why?"

Bush sighed. "It's a Death Star! America now has a Death Star! That's why! We can blow up planets, which makes us the most powerful force in the universe... that we know of. How are you people not grasping this?"

"Well... can we go up and see it?"

"No. Space travel is expensive. Also, if we let you guys up there, I bet the New York Times reporter is going to de-power the tractor beam to let terrorists escape."

"There are terrorists in space?"

"Not at present... but eventually... there could be."

"So who is up there in it?"

"Mexicans. It's not like we had a bunch of Geonosians to build it, so that's why I fought for relaxed immigration control: So I'd have enough Mexicans to build my Death Star. We said we'd ship them down afterwards, but it actually wasn't in the budget. Now they're threatening to take over the Death Star blow up earth if I don't ship them more burritos, but I think they're bluffing." Bush's phone rang. "Ooh. I got to take this." He answered his phone. "Hey, Dick. So how did dissolving the Senate go? ...No, they won't get to keep their pensions. You don't pay out pensions after you dissolve something... They can't refuse to leave! Don't they know I have a Death Star?!" Bush sighed as he hung up the phone. "So, anymore questions?"

After a moment, one reporter ventured, "Well... um... uh... why?"

Bush groaned. "Why are you people making this complicated? It's a Death Star. I know everyone watching this at home understand this. You reporters are the only ones not getting it. You are out of touch and that's why everyone hates you. Every time you people broadcast I can hear millions of voices suddenly cry out in terror and are then suddenly silenced as they turn you off. You all are horrible human beings. How are you not getting this?"

Everyone was silent for a while. "So what are we waiting for?"

"For another planet to attack."

The chest bursting scene from Alien is based on the delivery of the infant Hillary Rodham.

I was just wondering what everyone thinks about the writer's strike. I'm usually anti-union, but for some reason I just assume the writers are getting screwed by the studios. There's a lot of good TV shows out there right now (it seems to have better stuff than movies these days), and I think the writers deserve good money. Stupid actors usually get all the credit.

IGN has a good break down of the important thing: How this strike will affect us. Basically, topical written shows like the Tonight Show and the Daily Show are already shut down. Next will be soap operas, then sitcoms which usually have lots of rewrites while filming. After that will be the dramas and finally movies. Last to be affected will be blogs that write about TV. There are some exceptions for particular shows (24 may not air at all in January, animated shows have a long time between script and production so they'll take longer to be affected, and South Park, the only topical animated show, is -- surprise surprise -- non-union).

Apparently there was a similar strike back in 1988, but I don't remember that (I was nine). Anyone know what happened there?

Hopefully political speech writers aren't union, because we got a preview of what would happen if they go on strike with Hillary in the last debate.

So what do you think?

The best way to save the planet is to make sure it never gets in the way of Fred Thompson.

I officially apologize for Tom Cruise's character in "A Few Good Men".

And for his character in "Top Gun".

And for his continued existence in general.

You may now support the Navy's Valour-IT (Voice Activated Laptops for Our Injured Troops) fundraising efforts with a clear conscience.

John Hawkins has a very entertaining interview with Ann Coulter. I think she would like the John Edwards facts.

A front page blogger for Daily Kos admits that the drop in violence in Iraq is causing him and other liberals to panic. IMAO applauds this intellectual honesty and wishes other nutroots bloggers would follow suit.

Ron Paul supporters are often mistaken for conservatives since they sometimes kill them and wear their skin.

Well, folks, the madness has struck Christmas: Santa has been asked to slim down to give a good example to kids.

Yeah, I'm just waiting for the note from the Political Correctness Police asking my people to "kill Jesus a little more humanely next time."

John Edwards was recently disappointed to discover that he'd ordered the Mel Brooks PG-13 version of "Robin Hood: Men in Tights" by mistake.

Bonus Fact from Innominatus:
As a self-professed Christian, it's not unusual that John Edwards frequently says "get thee behind me Satan!". It IS unusual that he reflexively grabs his ankles after doing so.

Just as a sanity check, how many people here hate ponies? I mean, how many of you just automatically curl your hand into fist any time you even see a picture of a pony and can think of nothing else than to punch it in the eye?

Beaten by 512 electoral votes in his 1984 Presidential run, Walter Mondale will now endorse Hillary Clinton's run for president.

Which should do wonders for her image as a winner.

I expect she'll be picking up a few other supporters in the coming months:

---

Tom

* Wile E. Coyote

* Elmer Fudd

* Snidely Whiplash

* Boris Badinov

* Sylvester

* Chicago Cubs

* Al Franken

* William Hung

* Jason Alexander

* Star Wars Kid

* Stormtroopers - Forest Moon of Endor Brigade.

* Wil Wheaton

* Aquaman

---

Rumor has it the Black Knight will announce on Tuesday.

Shriveled little gnome Dennis Kucinich is going to introduce articles of impeachment against Dick Cheney. I fully support this because I think it will be hilarious since the Constitution says that Cheney would get to preside over his own trial. That would be awesome.

Maybe if we all support the impeachment of Cheney, we can get Kucinich and his crazies to support us impeaching President Hillary (if she's elected). We'll just tell him that Hillary is for shooting down all UFOs and he'll scream, "No! They're my friends!" and join us in our effort.

That's how you build a coalition people. You have to learn this if you want to play politics with the big boys.

Hillary Clinton doesn't actually have large thighs. The specially tailored pants suits she wears to conceal her harpy wings just make it look that way.

Remember, remember the fifth of November.

Today is the day to express insane political views!

HD DVD doesn't actually have a better picture than regular DVD. The extra space on the disk is filled up with programs allowing the government to spy on us through our TVs! Russians spy on us through Blu-ray!

We could keep the peace just as easily by replacing police officers with raccoons riding sheep dogs armed with tasers! Support freedom from the police state! Giver raccoons tasers and put them on sheep dogs!

Write your own insane political view/conspiracy theory in the comments. Best one wins high praise and will be reported to the FBI.

I saw this on the Daily Kos front page over the weekend and thought I should pass it on. Apparently, President Bush's evil has expanded to the point that HE'S DESTROYING MOUNTAINS! I don't know all the details, but somehow Bush is currently destroying America's mountains as even geographical features are no longer beyond his wrath. I guess in the nutroots eyes, Bush has now moved up from cartoonish supervillian to angry god.

A warning to the nutroots: If President Bush can destroy mountains, how easy must it be for him to destroy a blog full of wiener kids. Something to think about before you oppose him.

UPDATE:

I was being lighthearted when I first wrote this post, but if you take an honest look at the issues you will agree that the number one problem facing America today is too many mountains. Thus I support President Bush in his mountain destroying initiative. It's good to see that someone has faith at least the size of a mustard seed.

Matter cannot be destroyed (unless it pisses off Fred Thompson).

The Marines are currently behind the Army. I guess that's because everyone hates the Marines and likes the Army... or they especially hate our injured troops and don't want them to get voice-activated laptops.

You know how liberals show their disdain for the military? By not donating to Valour-IT, especially not in the name of the Marines. Don't be like them!

If John Edwards were to travel into space, the Earth would be gravitationally crushed into a quantum singularity from the weight of all the "Uranus" jokes that would be posted on the internet.

Two Bonus Facts from Bill:
John Edwards always has Elizabeth check for monsters under his bed before going to sleep.

John Edwards' idea of a good Halloween prank is to snap a toothpick off in a doorbell... At least it would be a good prank if he could actually snap a full-sized toothpick.

Hillary Clinton is doing research into quantum mechanics so she can more perfectly hold two contradictory political positions at the same time.

Fred Thompson can shoot a two inch group at 500 yards with a Nerf gun.

Project Valour-IT (Voice Activated Laptops for Our Injured Troops)

Why support the Navy's fundraising?

Because the planet is 3/4 water, and SOMEBODY has to keep crazy Jihadis from blowing it up.

Also, they're the ones best equipped to fight the War on Fire.

John Edwards's personalized license plate: AMB CHSR

Bonus Fact from Casper the Friendly Host:
John Edwards's OTHER personalized license plate:

Wow. Now that was exactly my cup of tea. A military SF action-adventure with just a smidgen of politics thrown in to give it flavor and make you really root for the protagonists.

Michael Z. Williamson's Better to Beg Forgiveness... is about a group of contractors (PC term for mercenaries... not that liberals care much for political correctness when it comes to military types) hired to protect a newly appointed president on a planet that's basically a whole third-world hell-hole. Apparently, it's dystopian future where all of earth (including America) is under U.N. control (the Secretary General seems to be the person with the most power on earth), and the contractors' job is made worse by the love-hate relationship with the military sent there to quell things but often see themselves as rivals to the mercenaries. When the mercenaries have success and President Bishwanath ends up more of a independent figure than the U.N. would like, the corrupt nannyish government decides to declare Bishwanath to be dead and start over with a new president. Stuck without support, their contract from the Bureau of State canceled, and the government's attitude towards the contractors a very Kos-esque "Screw 'em", they decide to go rogue and and fine some way to protect the very much alive Bishwanath when rivaled by both the planet's mobs and the U.N.'s near limitless resources.

Despite how big a roll contractors play in today's world, I don't think most people know much about them. When most people hear "mercenary" they think of people who will do anything for money, when in fact I believe companies like Blackwater (in the novel, the company is called Ripple Creek) only ever contract to the U.S. and are composed pretty much entirely of former U.S. military. Thus I found it quite fascinating to see a story told from their perspective, as they are very much entrenched in military hierarchy and sense of honor while not as hampered by its bureaucracy (which is made many times worse by the politicians in this future scenario). When it comes down to it, they take pride in what they do and money is only as big a part of it as anyone else's job, and thus the decision as to what to do next when they see a good man being thrown to the sharks is an easy one.

Williamson makes writing a novel look hard, because there are tons of detail put into everything the contractors do in both the planning and operations to protect the president. It appeared very realistic, and while the protagonists deal with seemingly impossible odds, they always get out of it through skill and foresight instead of any deus ex machina sweeping in to save them. This wasn't as preachy politics-wise (and certainly not as dark) as The Weapon as Williamson's libertarian utopia Grainne plays a much smaller (but crucial) role, but there's certainly enough political overtones that I don't think a liberal is going to enjoy it much (though I doubt they're a very large segment of military SF readers). It's mainly all action, and quite enjoyable in that.

If I had any criticism it's that of the six contractors, at least one never stood out enough for me to get a good visual of him. Also, the use of names obviously based off of contemporaries was a little too cutesy for my taste. That was used mainly, though, for characters who were mentioned only in passing except for a politician based off of Michael Moore who was the closest to straight out villain in the novel (most of the conflict is with military men who are just trying to do their best while hampered by politics).

I give it four and half stars out of five. I highly recommend it and think any ronin should really enjoy it. In the least, it's some great escapism to see some people try and take charge in a big political and military mess. Though the release date is technically the sixth, Amazon has the hardcover available now. Here's the first nine chapters as a sample, and I'm sure you can get an electronic version through Baen. I like their philosophy of assuming their customers aren't thieves and selling the electronic versions without copy protection. They even usually make an RTF available so you can edit the story if you want to add more pirates and ninjas.

Hillary Clinton's main reason for seeking the presidency is she's decided her house could use more furniture.

An attack on Hillary from John Edwards:

(hat tip Matt Lewis from TownHall.com)

Fred Thompson's plan for the U.N. is to wait for a big conference and then melt down the entire headquarters, uniting leaders from all nations into a nice little paperweight for his desk.