John Edward's life didn't really begin until after cell phones started coming with automatic voice dialing - no more bruised fingertips!

KANSAS CITY, MO (AP) - A United Airlines flight bound for Denver Sunday morning had to be evacuated after the plane took a wrong turn and became stuck in the mud. Democrats were quick to blame the failed policies of President Bush for the crisis.

"...now take a hard left at the end of the runway... No, you won't get stuck... Hey, you can trust me, I used to be a pilot myself..."

"If Bush hadn't started his illegal war for cheap oil," said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, "gas wouldn't be so expensive right now, and people could afford to drive to their destinations instead of flying. Bush and his Halliburton buddies are directly responsible for the death or inconveniencing of all 182 passengers aboard that doomed plane."

Although agreeing in principle - as we all do - that the tragic or annoying accident was Bush's fault, presidential hopeful Barack Obama had a different take on how the most incompetent President in history once again failed the American people.

"There shouldn't be mud in Missouri this time of year," reasoned Obama, "but thanks to Bush's lucrative, kickback-filled government subsidies to global warming cartels like Big Volcano and Big Cow Belch, the otherwise firmly frozen ground of our country has failed to properly support its people. Much like this country's health care system. Which I would fix. Please vote for me or you're a racist."

Hillary Clinton, hoping to run a more centrist campaign and overcome the natural repulsion all mortal humans feel at the sight of her leering demonic visage, refused to blame Bush directly for the accident which some experts say may have been an inside job.

"I think it's silly to blame Bush for this," Clinton said, "it's obviously not his fault, despite how similar it is to the way he drove the airliner of America off the runway of peace, leaving this country stuck in the muddy quagmire of Iraq. That's why I should be America's next President - I'm an expert on safe piloting. Just ask Ron Brown."

John Edwards, perhaps misunderstanding the story, took a bizarrely defensive stance on the issue.

"I don't know what you're talking about," said Edwards. "I categorically deny ever 'sticking' anything in anyone's 'mud'. I am a married man and very clearly not gay. Or even bi-curious. Although I do admit to feeling loin-tingly and secretly flattered whenever this topic comes up."

If you watch this and decide not to vote for Fred Thompson, you can legally be committed.

John Edwards could never make it through an entire church service if Elizabeth didn't bring along a little bag of Cheerios for him to munch on.

Hell plans to add a brand new tenth circle specifically for those who don't vote for Fred Thompson.

If you try to fast forward past a Fred Thompson campaign commercial, your Tivo will erase all your favorite programs.

John Edwards's Pet Peeve #12 - itchy post-Brazilian-wax pubie stubble.

They're about $80,000 away from their goal to be able to run their new ad in Iowa, so John Hawkins is pulling out all the stops and made a new video:

So please donate to Fred Thompson. If we end up with some lame, Jimmy Carter-wannabe, I'm going to blame you guys, and I will find you and hurt you.

There was a legend of the Old West of a gunfighter who could outdraw and outshoot any man and would ride from town to town dispensing justice. He was known as "The Man with No Name (Other Than Fred Thompson)."

John Edwards's least favorite part of the campaign trail? Bone-crushing handshakes from toddlers.

Today is the Fred Thompson blogburst.

I think Fred Thompson is awesome. I tell people, "Fred Thompson is awesome." One person was like, "No he isn't." So I punched him in his face and said, "That's for saying Fred Thompson isn't awesome! That's why I punched you in the face!" Then I kicked him. Then the police came. They said, "What happened here?" And I said, "I punched this guy because he said Fred Thompson isn't awesome." Then the police arrested me for insufficient assault. I was like, "That's not an actual crime!" And they said, "We also planted drugs on you." And they put me in jail and I yelled, "Come on! Let me out! It's Christmas!" And they said, "It's not Christmas anymore." And I said, "Well, I've been pretty drunk and lost track of what day it is." Then SarahK came and bailed me out of jail. She's mad and won't talk to me now.

So donate to Fred Thompson:

He needs money to run ads in Iowa which is really critical right now. Of course, if he isn't elected, I guess there's always Huckabee. And sweet, sweet death.

Fred Thompson isn't some hippie that worries about his "carbon footprint." He has twenty-five gas-guzzling cars that can combine in groups of five to form five giant gas-guzzling robots that can all combine to form one even bigger, even more gas-guzzling robot which then transforms into a car which Fred Thompson drives to the corner store to pick up a quart of milk.

See header.

The thing in larger font in bold above the main text.

That's where the message is.

Yes, look above this for the message.

Know what? You're retarded. I'm not even bothering anymore.

Here's the link.

Incidentally, Fred Thompson is trying to raise $248,846 by 6PM Friday so he can run his new ad (you can see it here).

Let's help make sure Fred Thompson wins the primary so 2008 will be awesome instead of suck.

UPDATE:

Forgot post are on Eastern time. Blogburst is later today.

Hell, let's start now. Put your Christmas money here:

When confronted with a full-sized Kraft Jet-Puffed marshmallow, John Edwards long ago resigned himself to having to break out the electric carving knife.

While Romney has been stuffing mailboxes in Iowa with negative facts about Huckabee, Fred Thompson stuffed into a mailbox the most negative thing about Huckabee: Huckabee himself.

Every time he watches Rudolph the Red-Nose Reindeer, John Edwards thinks, "No, Clarice, that scruffy studmuffin Yukon Cornelius is the one who's 'cute'."

merree crismus dum stoopid heelbilly neocon jues! i hav a present for u.

cum close so i can giv u present.

closer for present.

cum close.

Read More...

If a child is naughty, Santa leaves him a lump of coal in his stocking. If Santa is naughty, Fred Thompson beats him with a shovel.

Been a while since we had an open thread. So as a Christmas gift to you, loyal IMAOans, Here's one.

Hope the day finds each of you well and happy and warm and fed.

Political meanderings aside. This does seem to be the time of year that each of us is not only encouraged, but expected to do the right thing. To forgive, to give, to accept, to share, to love, to welcome and to include.

Really, what's nicer than that?

Nothing makes John Edwards laugh harder than procotologist jokes with the punchline "that's not my finger", since it actually happens to him every visit.

I just realized that the reason I make fun of Ron Paul is that, being a neocon, I secretly fear him and know I'm in trouble when him and his supporters inevitably take over. When Ron Paul wins the nomination (which I know will happen though I pretend to believe the poll numbers that the media use to try and marginalize Ron Paul and his supporters), I know that will be the end of me when the Americans turn on me and the rest of my neocon friends.

Also, he has the neo-Nazis and Twoofers behind him, and them guys is scary.

American GI adopts disabled Iraqi kid.

Being that the GI is single and Iraq doesn't allow foreigners to adopt, it was quite an ordeal. Make sure to take some time to read it and remember how lucky we are.

(hat tip Hot Air)

So Ron Paul not only wants to immediately pull troops out of Iraq, he wants to remove troops from every single foreign country such as Germany and Japan. He also wants to remove them from Hawaii just to be on the safe side.

Apparently Ron Paul also has a big bone to pick with President Lincoln and spent time on Meet the Press denouncing him. Ron Paul sure knows how to pick his battles. He really is cranktastic; I expect after this is all over he'll live in shack in the middle of the woods with a bunch of canned food and muttering to himself. Probably the woods in Canada, because Ron Paul sure hates America (have you even seen a liberal denounce America and its actions this much?).

So what do you think Ron Paul will spend all his campaign millions on? I'm guessing gold and then his people will try to form their own country on a platform floating in the Gulf of Mexico.

Fred Thompson will be spending Christmas Eve this year the same as he traditionally does: Managing a crisis at Washington Dulles International Airport.

(research help from Jim Geraghty)

John Edwards new universal health care program will cover mental health treatments which are currently priced out of reach of working families, such as Acute Retail Therapy, (aka Gap Spending Sprees).

Fred Thompson is a fantastic breakdancer.

I better hope Fred Thompson isn't sue-happy.

* "We Are Family", performed by Sister Sledge
* "Over the Rainbow", performed by Judy Garland
* "I'm Coming Out", performed by Diana Ross
* "My Funny Valentine", performed by Frank Sinatra
* "YMCA", performed by Village People
* "Dancing Queen", performed by ABBA
* "MacArthur Park", performed by Donna Summer
* "I Will Survive", performed by Gloria Gaynor
* "It's Raining Men", performed by The Weather Girls
* "You Spin Me Round (Like a Record)", performed by Dead or Alive
* "Karma Chameleon", performed by Culture Club
* "Relax", performed by Frankie Goes to Hollywood

Are these

A) Gay anthems?
B) Hot dance tunes?
C) Cassingles that John Edwards has played until the tape snapped?

From an interview:

JANELLE PENNY: What’s something people would be surprised to learn about you?

...

FT: Me? That I am a fantastic breakdancer.

Fred Thompson remembers not seeing Mitt Romney's father march with Martin Luther King.

Things John Edwards candidacy brings to the table:

1) A firm but flexible foreign policy

2) Real tax fairness for working families

3) Fashion sense, girlfriend!

If you're trying to convince people you're a conservative, don't attack Rush Limbaugh. I think we might finally be to the end of the Huckaboom.

Mitt Romney has just admitted that when he said he had been governor of Massachusetts, he was using a figure of speech and actually was working as a day-shift manager at an Arby's during that time.

John Hawkins has an interview with Jeri Thompson and only one blog --IMAO -- is referenced before she hangs up on him in discuss.

Because we're awesome.

If Fred Thompson used but a fraction of his energy on the campaign trail, he would destroy the Eastern seaboard.

John Edwards would like to see a more tolerant and open-minded America. One where people will be judged by the content of their character and not whether they wear white shoes after Labor Day like degenerate inbreds.

I was thinking that maybe some people should be Fred Thompson supporters but aren't. It's crazy. Maybe they just believe they have to support a candidate who is teh suck and don't know they have any other choice. So I was thinking I could make a list so that people could realize they really are Fred Thompson supporters and might just not know it yet.

You might be a Fredhead if...

...you blame America last.

...you kinda like it when terrorists are made uncomfortable.

...you think that today's serious foreign policy issues will take more than hillbilly charm and naiveté to handle.

...you suspect the Iran might actually be up to something.

...you prefer movies where American troops are the good guys.

...you think a Senate majority leader who constantly tells us how things are doomed while a war is still ongoing needs a good bitch-slapping.

...you think it's great if a murderer finds God, but that doesn't mean he should be let out of prison.

...you think America's sovereignty is kinda important.

...you think anyone who talks about how the rich aren't "paying their fair share" is a whiny little Communist.

..."great hair" is low on your list of presidential requirements.

...you think someone didn't draw those border lines on a map just for fun.

...call you crazy, but you'd prefer a presidential candidate who actually shares your conservative views.

...you think it's time someone did something about the hippies.

...you'd like Osama bin Laden's next video to be him pleading, "Someone please help me!" before he's pummeled on screen by the U.S. president.

Well, that's what I came up with so far. If you have some other ways people could tell they might be a Fredhead, put them in the comments.

Do it now!

Ever since people started paying more attention to Huckabee, he's been a part of some unflattering comparisons. First, people called him George W. Bush with more charisma, and the phony charisma got him compared to Bill Clinton. Then a look at his foreign policy ideas got him compared to Jimmy Carter. Later he was compared to Howard Dean because people think he'd do for our party what Howard Dean would have done for the Democrats if they nominated that nut. Then I saw one guy compare him to Michael Dukakis... maybe just to be mean. And now there's a comparison to Jesse Jackson for his blatant use of identity politics.

I think Huckabee reminds me most of Gomer Pyle. I always expect him to respond to an attack in a debate with, "Shazam!" Who does Huckabee remind you of?

UPDATE:

I should not that Chuck Norris has been caught in the crossfire here and been compared to Oprah.

Every single blog has endorsed Fred Thompson that isn't secretly run by Communists.

Just so you know, IMAO is no longer blocked by Websense since they are a good company and only block bad sites that no one should ever visit at a place of work. The comment I made about them and China was unfounded, and I'm sure they only block like kiddie porn for them or something. Also, I want to apologize for calling their management "a bunch of dumb crackers" as that was both racist and hateful.

That is all.

John Edwards loves playing tennis. He feels so deliciously naughty when his skirt flies up during his serves.

Obama snorts cocaine off of his well-worn Koran.

Pass this on to the nearest Hillary staffer.

IMAO has long been a revered conservative institution, and we thought it would be neglectfully of us not to weigh in on who the Republicans should nominate for president. Surveys show that most Republicans are not certain of their current choice and a whole 53% of them are waiting for IMAO to tell them more.

So, looking at all the facts, here is who IMAO thinks should be the Republican nominee:

Read More...

Fred Thompson used to be quite the ladies man before he married Jeri. In fact, there's a fifty percent chance he's your real father.

Lazlo

Let's meet some more IMAO readers. Today, it's Lazlo.

* * * *

What's the story behind your name? I am an illustrator/cartoonist; I Googled my name one day to see if any imposters lurked around the Gore-osphere. Imagine my horror upon finding a ‘movie actor’ with the exact same name. This ‘actor’ was doing rude things to all the other ‘actors’ on the first website I came across. I

Lazlo needed a new name pronto.

I used to go walking with a girl who had a dog that was half coyote, half God-knows-what, and I re-named it Lazlo because it had eyes that were yellow and scary to look upon. I took that name because I want my eyes to be yellow and scary to look upon.

Where do you live? I live in Camp Verde Arizona, about 30 miles from Sedona (just far enough away to escape the New Age vapors that plague those who reside there).

How old are you? This is Lazlo’s fiftieth winter

Tell us briefly about yourself. I grew up in LA, went to art school, got semi-famous in a Psychedelic band in the 80’s. Quit that crap, and moved to Arizona after my eleventh liberal girlfriend (AD 1990). I have since become a building inspector. I now go out with women that will cut you if you don’t behave.

How long have you been reading IMAO? I have visited every day (except St. Dennis’ Day) since I first saw the site about a year ago.

What's your favorite IMAO post? Fred Thompson Facts! You had me at ‘Objects at rest better get moving.’

If you were to describe IMAO in three words, what would those be? Hot. Buttery. Goodness.

What's your favorite political issue? My favorite thing to think about is the sublime and transcendent hideousness of SHE-who-must-be-destroyed.

Do you have a website? If so, please tell us briefly about it. I had a blog called El Bloggo Lazlo on Townhall.com but my awesome life in the crapper precludes posting a lot.

What are better: Bears or wolves? I like Bears. A bear will dismantle your car for a Fig Newton. That is the spirit of enterprise!

* * * *

To be in the running for this, make sure you commented in the last post asking for entrants. Thanks to everyone who has participated thus far; just because you may not think you're interesting doesn't mean we won't enjoy your story.

Mary Katharine Ham has a remixed version of the Iowa debate (of which it's awfulness only further highlighted how awesome Fred Thompson is).

She also seems to be getting swept up in the Fredmentum (yes, all of Fred Thompson's answers to the AP questionnaires are awesome). There seem to be a number of blogs coming out with endorsements today, so I am now announcing that tomorrow IMAO will make it's official endorsement of a candidate. "Who?" you may ask; well, you'll have to wait for tomorrow to find out. And an endorsement is such a serious thing that I decided to draw an illustration to make my argument.

John Edwards is still waiting for someone to invent a machine that will remove peanut skins so that his fingertips won't get cut to ribbons any more.

Many Bothan spies died to bring us this script.

---

"Hello, How Are You?"

Written by me, Mike Huckabee

Setting: Wide pan of that room where I put all the stuff I took from the governer's mansion.

Voice over: "I'm Mike Huckabee and I endorse this message." While I look thoughtfully at the big round thing with all the countries on it, that turns.

Transition to close up of my face as I am now I'm seated on a stack of hard drives and servers.
"I'm running for President, I want to tell you something. I want to tell you Hello. And how are you doing?
[pause, make puppy dog eyes]

[serious] Many people say it as a empty meaningless platitude.

[shake head, sadly] and are indifferent to any response they get. [earnest] But I truly DO mean it, from the depths of my eternal soul.

I'll say it again, Hello. How are YOU doing?
[pause for it to sink in that I emphasized, YOU]

[confident, chins up] When I am president, Americans will again mean it when THEY say it. [pound fist on something]

By law. Yes you will then be bound by federal ordinace to listen and nod empathetically as those you have greeted provide a litany of perceived grievances or blessings. When they are finished you will, in turn, provide them with your personal litany of perceived grievances or blessings and they will be bound to listen and empathize as well.

That's what a hello is all about. [earnest eyes] By meaning and listening,

[wide motion with hands, broad smile at "better place"]
we will all make America a better place.

Again I'm Mike Huckabee, Hello. How are you doing? Have a nice day. [nod] And I mean that too. [smile, wink]"

Voice Over: Just like Jesus, Mike Huckabee loves you. He's not afraid of the hard questions.

---

Confused? Reference: this Ad by Mike.

I've gotten word that some company that blocks web sites for businesses, Websense, has blocked IMAO. The reason? "Racism and Hate" and "Sex".

Harvey!

And according to a reader they don't even block the hate and vulgarity smörgåsbord Daily Kos. Come on! The hate in one of their Recommended Diaries surpasses the entire history of IMAO plus the next five closest blogs.

Anyway, I hear Websense helps the Chinese government hunt down and kill political dissidents who try to access information about democracy on the net, so maybe their morality compass is a little off.

I wonder how many readers this affects? And any idea on how to fight it? I'm leaning towards "ignore it" because that sounds easiest. The other option would be for you, the readers, to come up with examples of how you've used IMAO for work purposes to prove this site shouldn't be blocked.

UPDATE:

I've gotten reports that IMAO may no longer be blocked. If that's true, then Websense is a great company and the comment about China was out of line. I'm sure they just block child porn for them or something.

From John Hawkins:

Now if only that could get air time in Iowa.

The snowman Fred Thompson made last winter defeated Godzilla.

If the economy wasn't doing awesomely, would people have six million dollars to waste in this fashion? I mean, donating to Ron Paul is only one step above just burning the money (which I think a lot of Ronulans would like to do since worthless, evil American money isn't backed by the gold standard).

BTW, Ron Paul has gotten the coveted Andrew Sullivan endorsement if you needed any more proof his supporters are primarily crazy, hysterical people.

I thought about writing up a whole bunch of words to post for this idea but think the title pretty much stands by itself.

In nature, the crocodile promises the Egyptian Plover (or crocodile bird) that it won't be eaten as long as it does a good job of picking rotting food out of its teeth.

In politics, John Edwards promises working families that his policies will not harm them as long as they vote for him.

Crocodile '08
Trust Matters

I've been battling pneumonia for the last couple weeks (which explains the light posting), praying that I'll recover in time for my away-from-internet Christmas vacation that'll keep me from posting anything except made-ahead-of-time John Edwards facts until about the 27th of December.

Either that, or Frank's new medications are working better than expected, so he's been able to sublimate his "Harvey" personality.

At any rate, lolterizt! will return January 1st.

On a personal note, Zithromax Z-Pak is a worthless and inadequate medication whose approval the FDA should yank ASAP. Without this garbage's extravagant kickbacks to health care providers, I would've been prescribed something effective in the first place, and not had to crawl off my death bed just to post some stupid "I won't be posting" entry.

Apparently the Democrats are right about America's broken Health Care System, since its numerous flaws are now spilling over and affecting Americas Conservative Humor System.

Huckabee is so awesome. And each day there's some new awesomeness about some murderer he pardoned, how he wants to talk to Iran, or some new statement that sounds like it came from a Democratic presidential candidate. He just keeps getting so awesome you want to blow your brains out (with the awesomeness).

Seriously: Who are these Huck voting people? Where are they? Why won't they stop? Why do they hate America?

Then again, there's the candidate who used to be my fallback; the Republican I could settle for: Romney.

Romney was on Meet the Press Sunday and Tim Russert asked him about how the Mormon church excluded blacks from the priesthood until 1978. Romney answered by talking about how his father was big into the civil rights movement and how he broke down and cried when he heard the Mormon church changed its policy. That's all well and good; all religions have stupid parts in their past which they've atoned for. But then Russert asked Romney "But it was wrong for your faith to exclude it for as long as it did?" and Romney dodged it:

"I've told you exactly where I stand. My view is that there--there's, there's no discrimination in the eyes of God, and I could not have been more pleased than to see the change that occurred."

So he doesn't like racism but he won't say explicitly the Mormon church was wrong to be racist. That's not going to play. The American people will give people leeway on their religion, but if he can't come out and condemn a racist policy then his religion is going to be an issue and he's not going to be electable. Plus, he looks like a coward for giving political speak on what most people would think to be a simple question.

Looking at the candidates now, I think amnesty-loving, first-amendment impeding cranky old man McCain is actually my second choice now (Joe Lieberman likes him). That's super sad. I'd like to be able to support Giuliani with how much he fixed up New York City, but even if he I can get past him being liberal on abortion and guns and convince myself that won't matter as president, he still has his scandals with his mistress and I just got the feeling more are coming.

Well, we don't have to be depressed. There's still Fred Thompson. His nomination would mean a candidate with real conservative principles, strength on the war and the border, and me being able to hock a lot of t-shirts.

Of course, I'm just putting my thoughts out on the Republican presidential primary; none of this is an endorsement. Do you think, though, as a revered conservative institution, IMAO should come out and officially make an endorsement? I like to stay above these things, but I always get the feeling the American people want us to more clearly tell them exactly what to think and do. What say you?

When Fred Thompson says, "Have a merry Christmas," that's not a meaningless platitude -- it's a command -- so you better have a Christmas so merry blood is shooting out your eyes because Fred Thompson is coming to town.

John Edwards's MySpace gravatar:

[Hat tip to my blogless brother Tom for the image. See also South Park Character Creator]

Bonus Fact from Jim
John Edwards knows his limits:

On Christmas Eve, Fred Thompson leaves milk and cookies out. Santa dares not touch them, because he knows how much Fred Thompson loves his milk and cookies early on Christmas morning.

God created man in His image. Fred Thompson was the first copy, and they all sorta degraded after that.

Normally I stay away from campaign stuff (IMAO officially endorses no one), but the Fred Thompson campaign is trying to build off of some recent momentum and get 2400 donors in the next 24 hours. If you have money to give, help out because a Fred Thompson presidency would be the most awesome thing ever ever.

I like how in the picture Fred Thompson is standing center stage like he rules over all the other candidates... which I guess he does.

UPDATE:

Only a 106 away!

And their businesses!

I'll never patronize any monkey business, and I'm glad to hear he won't either.

The head of Bill Shaheen, a Hillary Clinton adviser who caused controversy by talking about Barack Obama's past drug use, was found in a box delivered to the New York Times with a hand written apology marked for public release. Hillary Clinton soon appeared on TV reiterating that "mistakes will now NOT be tolerated" by her campaign.

This is the second Clinton staffer dismembered in the past month.

I was thinking that doing phone calls for a candidate probably doesn't help much. Do you really expect people to vote for someone just because you gave them a phone call? If that were true, India would have huge power over our elections.

I think a better way to gain support for your candidate is to walk to the center of town and shout, "I support Fred Thompson and I challenge your strongest man to hand to hand combat!"

When the town's hero falls at your hands, you shout, "I am the strongest! Vote Fred Thompson!" They'd have to do whatever you say if they have any honor.

Why isn't Fred Thompson doing better in the polls? He's exactly the candidate Republicans want, so why aren't they voting for him? You have the toughness of Giuliani without all the baggage. There's also the social conservatism of Huckabee without the liberal populism. Also, he's not Mormon, so no worries about how that will play. So what's the problem?

People say he's too lazy and not campaigning hard enough. What the hell is that crap? He can't just be the perfect candidate, he also has to bark like a dog for you to show how much he wants to be president? Fred Thompson does not bark like a dog. That's part of the charm of Fred Thompson. So "lazy" is a stupid reason and I don't believe it.

With Republicans having been given the exact candidate they've all been asking for, what possibly could explain that some aren't planning on voting for him? Occam's Razor says the reason must be the populace is infected with some sort of brain-eating bacteria. Those with an early stage of the disease are Huckabee supporters ("He's likes the Bible and he talks purty!") and those with an advanced stage are Ron Paul supporters ("The only hope for America! Where's my pants?!"). As I've always said, brain-eating bacteria is a problem we have to remain vigilant for (and why you always wash your hands after using the bathroom), but obviously someone dropped the ball here. Now we need to isolate Ron Paul supporters from the general populace and forcefully inject antibiotics into Huckabee supporters to see if we can save them before its too late.

No one ever said democracy was easy.

Fred Thompson's answer on his favorite keepsake.

What is it with some people not voting for Fred Thompson? Do people not want awesome candidates because it makes them feel small in comparison? I want to flying scissor kick those people.

(hat tip Hot Air)

UPDATE:

Here's Fred Thompson joking about his "lazy" label.

Fred Thompson can fly if he wants to. Even gravity won't dare touch him without permission.

Abigail

Let's meet some more IMAO readers. Today, it's Abigail.

* * * *

What's the story behind your name? My real name actually is Abigail. I’m named after both my great aunt and my mother. No special story to that, but I used to comment here under the pseudonym “SilverBubble”, which was a name randomly generated by a gaming site because I needed a screenname. I stuck with it for a while, but it’s since been retired.

Where do you live? Lock Haven, Pennsylvania. I go to the university here, though I’m originally from Jersey Shore (not NJ; a town in Pennsylvania).

How old are you? Sweet, sweet 21! Finally, I can own a handgun! I don’t drink, so 21 is no big deal in that regard, but I’ve been looking forward to obtaining my mother’s S&W Model 36 Lady Smith (.38 Special) since I first learned of its existence.

Tell us briefly about yourself. I fell in love with the internets at age 13 when I got my first computer. Now you’d have to drag me away kicking and screaming from my laptop (I can usually be found either reading blogs or playing World of Warcraft). I go to a Pentecostal church here in town (it’s the only thing for which I willingly leave the aforementioned laptop) (Jesus > (everything else)(infinity)). I’m probably the only girl on campus who is a registered Republican. I’m an English Lit. major, which means I’ll never get a job in my field. I love to hunt and shoot. Squirrel hunting is my favorite - just me and my Model 69 Winchester .22 out in the woods, dropping those gray furry-tailed rodents when they hold still a second too long… ah, Paradise!

How long have you been reading IMAO? My earliest comment under SilverBubble that I’ve found in my brief search is from 9/11/05, though I know I’ve been reading longer than that. Regardless, it’s been a while.

What's your favorite IMAO post? “In My World: Rumsfeld Wants Talks with North Korean Leader” – every time I think of the line, “Kill us! Kill us horribly!” I crack up. That happens a lot.

If you were to describe IMAO in three words, what would those be? Crazy Sexy Cool

What's your favorite political issue? It’s a toss-up between Second Amendment rights and abortion. The first angers me and the second grieves me, so it’s a question of which emotion is worse, rage or sorrow. Other issues of interest are gay marriage, stupid Commies ruining everything, and how crappy/liberal modern American education is.

Do you have a website? If so, please tell us briefly about it. My old blog is dead and gone, so I have created a new one that is much better – Utter Nonsense (http://www.jc4e.com/blog). I try to post consistently, but that doesn’t really happen.

If you had to elect one of the Beatles to be president, who would it be and why? John Lennon, because the stupid Commie is dead and we could quickly move on to a better president, like Fred! Thompson.

[I'd still rather elect a dead George Harrison. -Ed.]

* * * *

To be in the running for this, make sure you commented in the last post asking for entrants. Thanks to everyone who has participated thus far; just because you may not think you're interesting doesn't mean we won't enjoy your story.

France is actually ordering Amazon.com to stop offering free shipping because their crazy socialist policies makes them fear discounts like molemen fear the sun. That's what happens when you have the government set economics: It can't adapt to change and causes the country to be like a bunch of frick'n cavemen. Why don't they just get rid of the internet in France so it stops messing up their miserable structured ways? Why try and improve things in the country anyway when the "youths" will probably just burn everything?

This is why I've always said that if you find out someone is a socialist, you kill him immediately. We can't let this sort of thing take root here. If socialists take over, think of how much ammo will cost. Then we'll never be able to fix things.

Hillary says she wants to end "Bush's war on science." There's a war on science now? When did I miss that?

Really, who is dumb enough to believe that crap? Probably people too stupid to understand science.

Rather than by color, John Edwards arranges his tie collection by "glamtasticness".

Bonus Fact from Silicon Valley Jim
If John Edwards is elected President, he will have the White House moved to the Castro district of San Francisco, giving a whole new meaning to the phrase "seat of government."

I'm watching the Democrat debate and I just realized something: I don't like Democrats. Their solution for everything seems to be to tax the rich. Yes, every problem in America could be solved if they could just tax the rich more. Those evil rich wanting to keep something fraction of the money they earn! ::shakes fist::

If you want my advice, I say in the upcoming presidential election we should not elect a Democrat. Also, anyone worrying that other Americans have too much money should be shot in the face. Why don't you stop worrying about other people's incomes and instead worry about how I just shot you in the face.

I think I had a good point yesterday: What are the presidential candidates' plans for handling Godzilla?

Now, I don't believe Godzilla exists, but if he does and we aren't prepared, he could destroy a city. That's why I hope the government has some sort of plan to handle a general city-destroying monster threat if not a specific Godzilla threat. Off the top of my head, I'd have helicopters ready filled with giant metal ball bearing to drop in front of Godzilla and trip him up. Then we'd just bomb the crap out of him when he's down.

Of course, if they have some super soldier with robot armor who can grow in size and kung fu fight Godzilla, that would be best. Are any of our defense researchers looking into that? If not, someone should get fired.

I guess we'll have to hope a giant city-destroying monster first attacks a city in Mexico giving us time to prepare before it attacks something valuable. Man, that would be hilarious.

MEXICO: "A monster is attacking us!"

AMERICA: "You mean it walked right over your borders like they weren't even there?"

MEXICO: "It's fifty stories tall, breathes fire, and..."

AMERICA: "Whoa, wait a sec. I'm still caught up on how it actually walked right over your border without permission. Doesn't it understand the principles of sovereignty?"

MEXICO: "We have to stop it!"

AMERICA: "Let's not be hasty here. Are you sure it's not just there to do the jobs non-monsters won't?"

MEXICO: "..."

MEXICO: "I get where this is going, but could we have this discussion later?"

AMERICA: "Eh, okay. F-15s are on their way."

I think ever since we had cities with skyscrapers we've feared giant monsters that would just come over and knock everything down, probably because that's exactly what we'd do if we were that size.

I miss playing with blocks.

NEW YORK (AP) - A Muslim man jumped to the aid of three Jewish subway riders after they were attacked by a group of young people who objected to one of the Jews saying "Happy Hanukkah,".

Friday's altercation on the Q train began when somebody yelled out "Merry Christmas," to which rider Walter Adler responded, "Happy Hanukkah".

"I deride your Jew-hating ability!"

"Almost immediately, you see the look in this guy's face like I've called his mother something," said Adler.

One member of the group allegedly yelled, "Oh, Hanukkah. That's the day that the Jews killed Jesus".

When Adler tried to calm the growing fracas, a male member of the group punched him.

Another passenger, Hassan Askari -- a Muslim student from Bangladesh -- immediately began to berate the group, pummeling them with his fists and insulting them. "How dare you hate on this Jew! That is solely the right of Allah's chosen people! Foul infidels, you are not worthy to feel contempt for this offspring of pigs and monkeys! You should be trying to push him into the sea, not hurt his feelings! I spit on you and jihad in your general direction!".

"You insult one stupid little Jew holiday and call that Jew-hating?," continued Askari. "You couldn't hate a Jew on the Jew-hatingest day of your life if you had an electrified Jew-hating machine! I could hate more Jews in five minutes than you could in your entire lifetime. And speaking of five minutes, that's how long it's been since I finished riding your mother, who - by the way - confided in me at the height of passion that she's deeply disappointed by your bumbling and grotesquely inept Jew-hating."

Verbally outgunned, the youngsters started crying and mumbling "stupid raghead".

"Brilliant sonnet, Shakespeare, Looks like you couldn't Muslim-hate your way out of a wet paper bag if you were riding shotgun on a Hellfire missile with Norman Schwarzkopf, either," concluded Askari, leaving the weeping & deflated youths to find easier targets to abuse, like Mormons and the homeless.

When Fred Thompson leaves his house, he doesn't lock his door. Criminals lock their doors.

Fred Thompson won this debate, and that is an objective fact. Anyone political analyst who says otherwise should wrap his mouth around a loaded shotgun and pull the trigger (that's also an objective fact). I assert these are facts since I thought he won and so did other people. What's the chance that both me and other people would be wrong about something like this? Slim to none.

You should buy a Fred Thompson t-shirt (also an objective fact) and wear it every day so people can see how awesome Fred Thompson is. And, if someone sees your t-shirt and asks, "Who is Fred Thompson?" you should say loudly and clearly, "You're stupid!" and punch the person in the face so as to teach him to not be so stupid as to not know who Fred Thompson is and how awesome he is. Picking a president is a serious task, and as with all serious tasks, that requires punching stupid people right in their faces.

Things John Edwards is hopelessly devoted to:

1) The Democratic Party
2) His wife, Elizabeth
3) The "Grease" soundtrack.

Wow. Thompson is really smacking everyone around in this debate (including the moderator when he refused to do one of those stupid shows of hands). Iowa better be watching because I'm watching them! ::shakes fist::

Don't you think a Thompson/Hunter ticket would be awesome?

BTW, when McCain went on about global warming, I hate that argument "What's if it's real and we do nothing?" You can make the same argument about Godzilla (and I often have, too).

UPDATE:

I've always thought that the Republican debates really need is even more people. This time they shoved Alan Keyes in there, but maybe next one they include for or five more people and make it only a half hour long. That would be so informative.

UPDATE 2:

This is like the Fred Thompson we've all been hoping for since he first announced. A couple opinions I've seen so far.

Jim Geraghty:

"Where the hell has this Fred been for the past few weeks? This guy looks like he could eat most of the rest of the field for lunch."

Mark Hemingway:

"Seriously, it's like Thompson came to the debate in Des Moines today to do two things: Kick butt and chew gum. And it appears he's all out of gum."

Kos:

"My poopie tastes different than it smells."

I might have to do a post about how Fred Thompson objectively walked away with this debate. BTW, buy the t-shirt!

Despite how down I've been on Huckabee lately, I think he's still my third choice out of the Republican front runners.

That's kinda sad.

Giant tub of goo attacks blogger's deceased wife. I hope he's popped like a zit.

Fred Thompson has been unable to attack Spider-Man because any time he tries, Spider-Man's spider-sense immediately overloads Spider-Man's brain, putting him into a week long coma.

Bush's New Dentist Faces Tough Confirmation Hearing

From The Onion. I especially love the quote it includes from a breathless Keith Olbermann "Special Comment." Anyway, it's a pitch perfect satire of confirmation hearings.

(hat tip Conservative Grapevine)

When John Edwards was in kindergarten, he wanted to be either a cowboy or Superman, proving that he's always been an indecisive waffler on the question of "leather or tights?".

[collaborative hat tip: Pork & Beans]

With Huckabee saying he was for restoring ties with Castro's Cuba while governor of Arkansas because, back then, he was unaware of the issues between the U.S. and Cuba, is he now becoming Obama dumb on foreign issues? Each day, I'm getting more and more scared of Huckabee's front runner status. The weird thing is, while Ron Paul's itty-bitty support always makes themselves know, I don't know where in the world Huckabee's giant support is coming from. Everyone else in the blogosphere seems as freaked out as I am. Of course, bloggers and blog readers are still a small group, but I've never felt this detached from fellow Republicans before. Usually we're together on these things. What's happened, dudes?

Note to Ron Paul Supporters: This is what feeling threatened by a candidate actually looks like. No one was ever threatened by Ron Paul because no one has ever believed he could be elected. Not the same with the Huck. This is scary.

Once again, pass 'em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don't be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.

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From cyberjacques:

From Tom:

Two from Erik Wit:

Two from Brian:

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PRODUCTION NOTE: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and - if they aren't obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don't suck too terribly bad - I'll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

What exactly is Iowa? All I know is that they grow corn and get undue influence on presidential primaries.

That's a load of crap.

Still, these "Iowans" better take their responsibility seriously. A lot of whether Fred Thompson will be president rests on their votes, and they better not screw that up.

Otherwise, I vow to destroy Iowa.

That's right, weirdos: You screw things up for America, I'm coming after you. I will poison your corn and... um... destroy whatever else there is to destroy in Iowa. I will make it my life's mission to annihilate your state. You may laugh that off because no one has ever destroyed a state before, but that's only because someone like me has never attempted it. When I'm done, there will just be a big black hole... um... wherever it is on the map that Iowa is (they really neglected geography in public school).

Yeah, I may not know where Iowa is right now, but I'm just one Google away from heading right over there. You don't want that.

Vote for Fred Thompson.

Unlike some other religions, people shooting who are inspired by Jesus tend to shoot straight.

Fidel Castro keeps a loaded gun by his bed at all times in case Fred Thompson becomes president so he can immediately blow his own brains out to avoid Fred Thompson's wrath. He won't be quick enough.

Ernie Loco

Let's meet some more IMAO readers. Today, it's Ernie Loco.

* * * *

What's the story behind your name? In the Weird Al movie "UHF", there’s this used car salesman named Crazy Ernie. I thought that sounded like a good screen name, but when I tried to use it at some website, Crazy Ernie was already taken. So I "translated" it to Spanish, and I’ve been using Ernie Loco ever since.

Where do you live? I currently live in West Lafayette, Indiana, but I still claim Fort Wayne as my place of residence.

How old are you? Young enough to have been born during the golden age of the Reagan administration, but old enough to have voted for Bush. (23 to be exact)

Tell us briefly about yourself. I’m just a good old-fashioned, conservative Christian, skinny whiteboy from Indiana. I like playing all kinds of sports, but I really love football. I’m a huge University of Michigan fan, so this season’s been pretty rough. I’m also into computers, so much so, that I got a degree in computer engineering this past May from Rose-Hulman Institute of Technology. I’m currently at Purdue University working on a masters degree in Electrical Engineering. I suppose I’ll have to grow up and get a job at some point, but I’m trying
to put that off as long as possible. In addition to all that, I also like: reading science fiction books, Colts football, and hot, conservative chicks. (So if you know any near West Lafayette, send them my way. :-p )

How long have you been reading IMAO? I’ve only actually been reading IMAO for about 4 months, but I’ve read so much of the archives that it seems a lot longer. I was drawn in by the Fred Thompson shirt, and I haven’t left since.

What's your favorite IMAO post? My favorite post is the one where Petraeus talks about reducing troops in Iraq, but a lot of the In My Worlds are great as well. Heck, there’s not much of anything on IMAO that I don’t like. ...Except for trolls. I don’t like them.

[Not even Ron Paul trolls? -Ed.]

If you were to describe IMAO in three words, what would those be? Hmm, either "Brilliant political satire" or more likely, "Mocking retarded morons"

What's your favorite political issue? I don’t know about favorite, but the issue that most sends me into a murderous rage is abortion. That’s the dealbreaker for me because I don’t see how killing babies is ever justifiable, let alone should be supported by my tax dollars. After that, I have very strong opinions about gay marriage, killing terrorists, high taxes, teaching that relativistic liberal BS in public schools, gun control, social security reform, securing the borders, Ron Paul being a looney toon, and pretty much any other issue out there.

Do you have a website? If so, please tell us briefly about it. Yeah, I’ve got a personal blog on Xanga that I update irregularly. But mostly it’s just me talking about football and/or my latest homework/test/lack of sleep. Not particularly interesting, but you’re welcome to check it out if you like.

Do you see any disadvantages to doing away with the environment? Well, with the environment gone, we wouldn’t have any of those stupid environmental protection laws getting in the way of progress. Plus, we’d never have to hear Al Gore open his mouth again, and I’m all for that!

The only disadvantage I see is, with the environment destroyed, all life on earth would perish. But that’s a small price to pay to get Al Gore to shut up, so let’s do it! Nuke the Earth!

* * * *

To be in the running for this, make sure you commented in the last post asking for entrants. Thanks to everyone who has participated thus far; just because you may not think you're interesting doesn't mean we won't enjoy your story.

I get these like reminders to close comments to old posts:

Name: chjsonlr mhptsyc
Email Address: egruin@mail.com
URL: http://www.itdvjenuk.uqvicr.com
Comments:

hwiebq jgfthwv lqgitf hxbj sutmrqoc duqfgblmo qgrmnxsv

It's just random strings of text, far as I can tell, but I always get these to old posts. Any idea who does them and why?

UPDATE:

I should note I've seen this off and on for over a year and it only occurs to old posts (just like comment spam which rarely targets new posts).

I want to get back to Ronin Profiles, so if you've yet to be featured and want to, just comment to this post and make sure to fill out the e-mail box when you do (only I get to see that, so no worries about spam).

"We knew the destruction of those interrogation tapes was going to be a big deal," White House Press Secretary Dana Perino told the press, "but luckily we found a new copy so we'll just show you what's on it so your imaginations will stop running wild."

On screen behind her was scene of a Muslim man looking panicked as unseen people prepped him.

"So, yes," Perino said, "what you are seeing here is the interrogators connecting a car battery to the subject's gonads. That seems pretty bad, but, come on, he's a terrorist! Who really cares what we do to him?"

On screen, the terrorist started screaming. After a couple minutes, one reporter asked, "Since this is supposed to be an interrogation, shouldn't he be asked questions at some point?"

Perino was silent for a moment. Finally, she shrugged. "Okay, you got us. It wasn't an interrogation. We just thought shocking a terrorists gonads would make an entertaining video for the CIA Christmas party. Still, are you going to feel sympathy for him? He's a terrorist!"

They watched as the terrorist on screen kept shaking and screaming. Eventually, a reporter asked, "Don't you mean 'holiday' party."

"Yes, sorry, it's for the CIA holiday party."

On screen, they watched as for another minute straight the terrorist kept screaming. "So... how long does this go on?"

"A while," Perino said, "The battery is a Die Hard."

30 years ago, John Edwards discovered the wonders of Crisco, and now he won't use anything else.

For his Mom's pecan pie recipe.

What did you THINK I was talking about?

Bonus Facts from Jim:
John Edwards knows what it's like to rough it. One time at band camp, he forgot his favorite brush and was stuck using his backup one for two weeks.

It is a well-known myth that Eskimos have dozens of words for "snow". It is a little-known fact that John Edwards has dozens of words for "pedicure".

Bonus Facts from Silicon Valley Jim:
John Edwards is envious of two things about George W. Bush:

1. He's President of the United States
2. He can twist the lids off jars by himself.

On Sunday, the Clinton campaign requested the resignation of a second Iowa volunteer coordinator who forwarded a hoax e-mail saying Barack Obama is a Muslim possibly intent on destroying the United States.

Is that all it takes to get fired by the Clintons? Forwarding juicy gossip e-mails that paint negative pictures of her political opponents?

Heck, if it's that easy, I'm thinking we could speed up the process by flaunting temptation in their direction.

So, in your spare time, forward an internet rumor e-mail to your local Clinton campaign office, with some breathless header like "I've been a Hillary fan for a long time, but after finding out this information about [political opponent], now I *know* I'm backing the right person for the job of President. Please pass this along to as many other loyal Hillarists as possible!"

If you don't want to pick on Barack's Muslimicity, there's always:

"John Edwards: Neighbor From Hell"

"John Edwards Made My Grandpa Die From the Flu"

"Hillary Clinton - Proudly Marxist, Just Like Me!"

"Obama places hand over crotch during National Anthem"

"John Edwards - Faaaaaabulous!"

Now, I hear some of you doubters saying "this plan would never work! Hillary volunteers are FAR too savvy to fall for obvious right-wing treachery".

To which I reply, these people are doing unpaid work for a woman with a net worth of $40 million dollars. Figuring out that they're being suckered is obviously not their forte.

When Huckabee said he wanted to round up gay people and put them in camps, that just because he was confused when he heard that "Gay people love camp."

Here's Ron Paul at the Spanish debate in Miami saying we should restore ties with Castro's Cuba. My favorite part is when they pan over to McCain who is cracking up:

BTW, at the beginning they're cheering the vote rejecting Hugo Chavez, not cheering for Hugo Chavez (it may be a Spanish language debate, but it's a Republican Spanish language debate).

(hat tip Hot Air)

UPDATE:

From the same debate:

Asked what he would do with Castro, who has reigned through nine different U.S. presidents, Fred Thompson said, grinning: "I'm going to make sure that he didn't survive 10 U.S. presidents."

Fred Thompson is awesome.

(hat tip Devil_Dog)

There are already plans for the supercarrier the U.S.S. Fred Thompson. It will carry and launch other aircraft carriers.

Today's Fred Thompson fact is a lovely poem written by Exurbankevin:

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Fred Thompson.

I saw this before a movie last week (Enchanted which was very good... no, you're gay!) and thought I'd share it. It's a pretty neat ad for the National Guard while being a nice piece of art by itself:

When God created the first man and woman, He told them, "Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat, but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it, for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die since it's Fred Thompson's and he does not like people messing with his stuff."

New image at Cafe Press:

Seems a bit harsh to me (though not completely unwarranted). Probably "President Bush + Bill Clinton" is more accurate, but, really, why hasn't someone put the brakes on the Huck surge by now with all we know of him?

John Hawkins has an interview with Fred Thompson's campaign manager.

Who are these people not supporting Fred Thompson, anyway? Do Republicans not like conservatives anymore or something? If Fred Thompson doesn't win the nomination, I'm going to blame all of you, my readers, for not doing enough, and I'm going to be mad.

But not as mad as Fred Thompson.

Slurred speech, falling off his barstool, can't walk a straight line... looks like John Edwards should've said "no" to that third Shirley Temple.

"Power! All that glorious power will soon be mine! Mine!" Hillary Clinton rubbed her hands together greedily while letting forth a chilling cackle.

"Thank you, Senator Clinton, for your opening remarks," debate moderator Keith Olbermann said. "Senator Obama, it's your turn."

Barack Obama smiled like a two year old with a lollipop. "Hello. My name is Barack Obama. I would like to be president. People say I don't have the experience, but I've been a Senator for this many..." He held up three fingers. "...years. I think I would be a good president. I like firetrucks."

"Senator Edwards, you turn."

"I just want everyone to know that I am the only candidate here who truly cares about poor people and the downtrodden. I--"

"You're urinating on a homeless man," Bill Richardson interrupted.

"I don't see your point," Edwards responded, now peeing on the homeless man's face.

"Please! I've suffered enough!" the homeless man pleaded.

"Don't you think it's a bit hypocritical to be talking about how much you care about poor people while urinating on a homeless man?" Richardson asked.

"Hey, I needed something to pee on and he was there," Edwards said. "Let's not focus on my actions and instead focus on my populist, progressive rhetoric I've recently adopted. Oh, and don't forget my hair." He ran his hand through his silky hair. "Isn't it fabulous! Don't you just want to touch it?"

"I do," Olbermann said, "but I've been handcuffed to my chair specifically so I don't."

"I requested that," Hillary stated.

"Representative Kucinich, your opening statement."

"A lot of people think I'm a shriveled little gnome who is completely nuts, but I also... AIEEEE!"

Electricity pulsed through Dennis Kucinich, dropping him to the ground.

"I pooped my pants a second time!" Olbermann exclaimed in fright.

A vortex emerged at the center of the stage. From it emerged a giant figure in black armor with glowing red eyes. "I am O'Yama, eater of souls and registered Democrat!" he screamed, lighting bursting about him and the entire auditorium shaking at the sound of his voice. "The rage and hatred of Democrats has empowered me to return and seek the Democratic nomination that is rightfully mine! I have come to give you a true choice of darkness, evil, and progressivism. I shun moderation and vow to truly change this nation by turning it into hell on earth!"

The audience cheered. "That'll show the rich!" one yelled.

Hillary yawned loudly. "Oh no, another candidate trying to attack me from the left."

"Do not mock me!" O'Yama bellowed, his eyes burning with rage. He aimed his hand and shot lightning from his fingertips, electrocuting Kucinich and dropping him to the ground.

Obama giggled. "He has a silly sounding name."

"Quiet, weak-minded fool, or taste my wrath as I create an equal redistribution of pain!" O'Yama extended both hands and shot lightning from his fingertips, electrocuting Kucinich and dropping him to the ground.

"Why me?" he moaned.

"So what is your stance on the Iraq War, O'Yama?" Keith Olbermann asked.

"I will end it immediately by taking funding away from our troops and giving it to their enemies. Anyone who is a part of Bush's war should suffer and die!"

The audience cheered. "He says what we're thinking!" one exclaimed.

"I don't know if I'm comfortable with calling for the slaughter of our troops," Edwards said.

"But most of them are Republican!" shouted an audience member.

"Yes, but isn't it better to support them while looking down on them as victims and young people too stupid to get real jobs," Edwards suggested. "What I'm saying is we support the troops, but support them as the dumb babies they are."

"There will be no room for such moderation in an O'Yama administration! Here's is my response to such compromises to true progressivism!" O'Yama pointed his hand and shot lightning from his fingertips, electrocuting Kucinich and dropping him to the ground.

"On second though, maybe I don't need to be in these debates anymore," Kucinich moaned.

"Well what about domestic issues?" Olbermann asked O'Yama eagerly. "What are your views on abortion?"

"Babies are nothing but an assault on women's rights! I will slaughter all infants, whether they are in the womb or out, and I shall do it all with federal tax money!"

There was a standing ovation. "Finally, someone who really understand what women's rights is all about!" a buzz cut woman shouted.

"This guy is awesome!" Olbermann exclaimed as he drooled on himself. "Now I have a different type of mess in my pants!"

"This is stupid," Hillary said. "This sort of talk isn't going to play at all in the general election."

"Bah!" O'Yama bellowed. "If Democrats have the courage to nominate a true progressive, he will surely be elected president and eat the souls of any who disagree with him! Muh ha ha ha!"

Another standing ovation. "Finally! A Democrat with courage to tell it the way it is!"

Hillary growled. "Listen, you stupid demigod: I am going to win this nomination and I'm not going to have you force me left in the primary to ruin my chances in the general. You are not the first demon I've dealt, and I doubt you'll be the last."

"Quiet, woman!" O'Yama snarled. "You and your political maneuvering do not frighten an evil which has existed and plotted and planned for thousands of years as opposed to an evil who was simply married to a president for eight."

"I will bury you!" Hillary screeched as she charged O'Yama.

"It is time for your rule of the Democrats to end, foul harpy!" O'Yama raised both arms, and fire surrounded them both. There was a horrid scream, and the rest of the candidates fled the stage as the fire grew. After seeming like it would soon engulf the entire auditorium, the fire began to fade until it disappeared entirely leaving a pile ash next to a single dark figure on stage with glowing red eyes: Hillary Clinton.

"I shall be the Democratic nominee!" she bellowed, shaking the entire room. "No other evil shall stand before me!"

* * * *

Laura Bush turned from the TV to President Bush. "Hillary Clinton may control hellfire, but she's still not a flaming liberal like the rest of those candidates."

Bush turned off the TV with the remote. "Why are we even watching this crap? This doesn't affect me anymore. These idiots can battle it out for president all they want and I'm still leaving office with all the money of I've made through Halliburton with my illegal warring."

Laura rolled here eyes. "You haven't made any money from Halliburton. That's just stupid conspiracy theories on the net made by people with too much time on their hands. If you don't stop reading them, I'm going to take away your internet privileges."

"You sure it's all made up?" Bush asked. "I can almost swear I remember wiring World Trade Center 7 for explosives. Well, I guess it doesn't matter. I know what I'm doing after I leave office." He held up a piece of paper. "I already got an application for the Taco Bell in Crawford, Texas, all filled out. I hear if you work there, you get free tacos!"

Laura sighed. "I know. You've been talking about it for the past two years."

"Mmm... tacos!"

Since I felt I was a little... um... blunt yesterday with regards to Mormons, here's a fun Mormon fact from a WSJ article my brother e-mailed me yesterday: Brigham Young University has the largest ROTC program outside of military schools. Probably a good fact for Romney to play up if he wants to convince conservatives that Mormons are a-okay.

In a debate, Fred Thompson follows up any rhetorical point he scores with an awesome guitar solo.

As a housewarming gift for our new home, SarahK and I received today a infrared remote control t-rex from John Hawkins. It was the perfect gift and exactly what we needed.

As always happens when I receive an infrared remote control t-rex in the mail, there will be a new In My World™ tomorrow.

I just realized I've been so down on actual Republicans running for the presidential nomination today that I forgot to mention Ron Paul.

Ron Paul is a nut who is only out-nutted by his supporters, the super-nuts. That is all.

Child pornagraphers, who suffer a bad image everywhere, especially red states, today issued a statement regarding the arrest of liberal talk show host Bernie Ward. "We want people to know that just because we dig child porn, that it in no way makes us want to host a progressive radio show."

Many in the industry feel that being linked to this type of situation bodes badly for child pornographers. Said one spokes man with the National Association of Child Pornagraphers, "Sure, they can hide behind the First Amendment, but if people start to think that you're something OTHER than a child pornographer, then it could hurt your career in the long run."

Most child pornographers have no affiliation with liberal radio at all. They're concerned that they might finally face a stereotype that can bring them all down.

Said one source who insisted on secrecy, "Sure, many of these liberal talk show hosts stay in the shadows. They lurk in dark places where nobody will hear them - like Air America. But eventually, they do something stupid and get caught."

Bernie insists that he was looking at child porn while doing research for a book. If that excuse doesn't work, then he'll insist that it's not his and that he was only holding it for a friend.

Do you think Romney's speech today was aimed at people who were considering not voting for him because he's Mormon or people considering not voting for him because they think people won't vote for him because he's Mormon? Or was it just a pointless grab for attention?

I ask, because I personally couldn't bring myself to care about it. I know what Mormonism is, I think I have a fairly good idea who Romney is, so I didn't feel their was anything worthwhile to glean from his speech. He is my second choice right not out of the Republican frontrunners, and I don't think a speech on religion is going to change that. Who is the target audience that would have their opinions changed by his speech?

Huckabee says the force behind his rise in poll is "not human." Do think its aliens? That would explain a lot. I have no idea why so many people are getting behind this guy given his past record and recent statements. An alien mind-control ray would square that circle.

BTW, if you vote for Huckabee, you're a bad Christian who hates brown people (Ha! Two can play at that game!).

There's now an embarrassing video featuring John Edwards floating around the internet. In several scenes you can CLEARLY see John not wearing any hairspray.

A forward-thinking environmental group has suggested that Jews should light one less Hanukkah candle this year, so as to prevent the production of 15 grams of carbon dioxide.

While I certainly favor annoying Jews as frequently as possible by assaulting and insulting their holiday traditions, I favor even more not letting them get credit for being greener than people who celebrate Christmas. It makes us look bad. Let THAT keep up long enough, and pretty soon Muslims will want to push US into the sea.

So here are some suggestions for Christmas celebrators to help save the planet before the Jews do it for us:

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Nothing says "I love the planet" like a Christmas wreath of fetid, festering garbage, teeming with festive holiday bacteria.

* If you see Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, or Rudolph, shoot them. Reindeer flatulence is the planet's leading source of greenhouse gasses.

* Trees absorb carbon dioxide, but only if they're growing. Prevent the harvesting of Christmas Trees by the judicious concealed placement of poisoned punji sticks and razor wire near Christmas tree farms.

* Tell your children they won't be getting any presents this year. The copious flowing of their salty tears will help replenish our planet's rapidly evaporating oceans.

* Stay indoors, lest you block precious sunlight from an evergreen tree that's busy cleaning up your filthy, filthy carbon dioxide.

* Forego the electric lights on your tree. Decorate with the natural, environmentally-friendly bioluminescence of crushed firefly abdomens.

* Recycle creatively. That unwanted fruitcake would make a perfect spare tire for your Prius.

* Instead of hanging mistletoe, try hanging a shiny, colorful DVD of Al Gore's "An Inconvenient Truth".

* Although beautiful, Pointsettia plants are deadly poison. Feed them to reindeer.

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If you have any eco-embracing Christmas activities you plan to enjoy this year, feel free to share them with your fellow lovers of our beautiful planet in the comments.

Huckabee has released an immigration plan. Based on his previous dealings with illegal immigrants, I half expected it to be "enthusiastically hump their legs." His plan looks good, but its hard to trust him on the issue when he's still defending free tuition for illegal immigrants. That's someone who just doesn't understand the issue at its core (like Giuliani and guns).

There's a lot of talk about a Giuliani/Huckabee ticket. Do you think that would mean the best of two conservatives or the worst of two liberals?

Romney is a Mormon!

UPDATE:

BTW, I think Mormonism is pretty wacky and a blasphemous assault to Christianity, but I'd be hard pressed to come up with anything bad to say about a Mormon or anything they've done in recent years (unlike say, Scientology). I.e., I consider someone being a Mormon a plus... outside of the blasphemy.

Harry Reid is still a douche, though.

I think if you think you have to give a big, much hoopla'ed speech to tell people you don't think your religion should pose a problem for voters, you've really managed to get your sacred undergarments in a bunch.

Some people become measurably smarter just by breathing the same air Fred Thompson does. Others become measurably deader.

What's Luke Cage's nickname for the Human Torch?

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With the surge working so well that even Murtha couldn't completely deny it, I think we need some sort of slogan to gloat about it to the enemies of the U.S. and Iraq -- the Democrats. Here's a few I came up with:

The Surge Is Working and Democrats Are Homos!

Suck It, Terrorists and Democrats!

Mission Extra Accomplished!

If anyone can come up with a good one, I'll give you high praise.

Democrats are banking on that, though they must admit to military success, they can still call the war a failure because of lack of political success. That's not going to happen, though. If there's one thing Americans don't care about, it's politics in other countries. As far as we know, Canada doesn't even have a government.

John Edwards's aerobic workout consists of tying BOTH his shoelaces.

He's worked himself up to the point now where he can do it without a water break.

Harvey's beheading is scheduled for noon tomorrow. Afterwards will be a pot luck lunch. Bring the whole family!

Jesus Bear

Jesus Dog

Jesus Cat

Jesus Mouse

Jesus Moose

Jesus Chicken

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The broads at The View seem to think this post will make Christians flip out like crazed Sudanese Muslims.

Personally, I think it'll make 'em go "awwwww... how CUTE!"

or

"Uh... ok, that's kinda dumb."

for women and men respectively.

If I'm wrong, and fanatical Christians behead me, then posting may be light for the next few days.

By the way, is there a name for the Christian equivalent of a "fatwa"?

Besides "forgiveness", I mean.

[All the above are available from Our American Heritage, in case you're one of the "awwwww... how CUTE!" crowd and you feel you just have to get one of your own.]

Something about that story on wounded veterans being told to pay back a portion of their signing bonus seemed fishy. If that had really been going on since the war began, don't you think we'd have heard about it years ago? Ends up theres only been two or three incidents of this, and they were all clerical errors.

It reminds me of that body armor crap. The media and the Democrats jumped on an issue they didn't understand because it let them condemn the Bush administration as not caring about the troops (projection) and gave them a way to act like they cared for the military in a way that doesn't help the war effort (if they had instead thought they heard that our troops were not getting the special guns they need for shooting terrorists in the face, they wouldn't have made that an issue). No one actually believes the liberals care more about body armor for our troops than conservatives, though. We all know the media and the Democrats actually despise the troops and, if they had to pick between our troops getting body armor or more of them being killed to further fit the liberal narrative on the war, that's not exactly Sophie's choice.

Really, liberals, leave the caring about our troops to conservatives. We're doing just fine ourselves and we know the distaste it leaves in your mouths.

If it's ten o'clock and you don't know where your children are, don't worry; Fred Thompson knows.

Although John has long been a "friend of Dorothy", he actually prefers his men more like the Scarecrow - brainless and acrobatically flexible.

Once again, pass 'em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don't be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.

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From Brian:

From Eli:

From Tom:

From cyberjacques:

From Taylor:

From Erik Wit:

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PRODUCTION NOTE: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and - if they aren't obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don't suck too terribly bad - I'll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

So Iran doesn't have nukes? Who knew?

Well, the CIA I guess.

Now, some people think this means we won't need to invade Iran now, but I see this as all the more reason for invading Iran since there's less risk to us since they don't have nukes. Hit them while they're defenseless!

Oh, but I guess we need a reason why we would want to invade Iran if "because they might have nukes" is no longer on the table. Here's some ideas:

TOP TEN REASONS TO INVADE IRAN

10. The Marines are already next door and they're getting bored.

9. It's reportedly full of Muslims.

8. The apoplectic diaries on Daily Kos would be hilarious.

7. While they're not making nuclear weapons, they're still pursuing gunpowder-based weapons.

6. They're Shiites and America has decided that, if we ever were to be Muslims, we'd be Sunni.

5. It's time to free Iranian gays from the closet.

4. We heard they have an illegal dog-fighting ring.

3. Considering gas prices, this time there actually is American support for a war for oil.

2. They once messed with an IMAO reader, and that can't be tolerated.

And the number one reason to invade Iran...

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This is something I never thought of: Are we still waiting for the pioneers who will be the first to have sex in space? It's good to know that both the U.S. and Russia have done research into the mechanics of the matter because I imagine that could end up pretty awkward without a little forethought.

So who likes illegal immigration more: President Bush or Mike Huckabee?

There's a lot I like about Huckabee, but it's really hard for me to get behind someone who just doesn't understand what should be an extremely simple issue.

Ahh man; he's on FOX News right now arguing for the closing of Gitmo. Whoever started the Huckabee train, please hit the breaks.

UPDATE:

And he's against waterboarding now because it's all mean and stuff. Is it too much to ask the Republicans to not nominate some namby-pamby?

I tell you, if we elect Huckabee, as soon as he's president he'll bloat up into a giant tubby taxer again while chiding us between bites of pie about how we all hate brown people for caring about the issue of illegal immigration.

Fred Thompson has never used a brake pedal.

That means you could have three guys standing around, and one of them suddenly burst into flames.

Lasers from the sky meant to kill people in the most gruesome way possible for psychological effect -- what does that sound like?

I'm not saying the government should pay me millions of dollars (though, of course, they should), but I am saying they should at least acknowledge where they stole such genius.

"I'm Anderson Cooper..." he pirouetted. "...360, and this is the Republican presidential debate on CNN! We have a lot of questions, so, to save time, we're not going to let Duncan Hunter speak."

"Oh, come on!"

"Sorry, you have to be either a front runner or crazy like Tancredo and Ron Paul or otherwise when you're talking it might as well be dead air," Cooper said.

"I'm not crazy," Ron Paul stated, "I really am the second coming of Thomas Jefferson, whose appearance will usher in a thousand years of fiscal responsibility."

Tom Tancredo pounded his podium. "Less talk, more nuking Mecca!"

"Alright, lets get to the questions," Cooper said. "We had over five thousand videos sent in by YouTube users. Most were snippets of hardcore pornography but a number were questions from undecided Republicans. Let's see the first one."

On screen was a young man who looked about college age. "Many of you have taken strong stances against illegal immigration. What is it about brown people that you hate the most?"

Cooper turned to Mitt Romney. "You can take that."

"Um... I'm not really sure I accept the premise of that questions..."

"Because they're lazy," Tancredo piped in. "Is that the right answer?"

Fred Thompson stared down Cooper. "These better not be a bunch of crap questions or I'm gonna hurt ya, you understand that?"

"Well, I know I don't hate illegal immigrants," Mike Huckabee said. "I can't help but raise taxes to give them free tuition when they look at me with their cute little illegal faces with those big, sad eyes they have. "

"Those eyes are where they're most vulnerable!" Tancredo added.

"I think this is a good time as any to point out that Romney hired illegal aliens," Rudy Giuliani said. "He had a sanctuary mansion."

"What?" Romney exclaimed. "How can you criticize me for that? You had a whole sanctuary city!"

"Yes, but as I can back up with a doctor's note," Giuliani responded. "I'm a bit out of my mind and not always responsible for my own actions. I don't think you have that excuse. And, if you want to know my record on illegal immigration, just look at what happened with Amadou Diallo. I personally shot him forty-one times, and he was a legal immigrant. Think of what I'd do to a illegal immigrant... or a terrorists."

"Fascinating." Cooper pointed to the screen. "Next question."

A girl with pink dyed hair appeared on screen. "Many of you support private ownership of guns. Is this because you're sexually aroused by kids blowing their heads off?"

"Are you sure these questions are from undecided Republicans?" Romney asked.

"Yes," Cooper responded. "And I don't like the tone of your question."

"If some kid puts his grubby hands on my guns, he might as well blow his head off and save me the trouble," Fred Thompson growled.

"Now, I know this is one of the social issues I'm vulnerable on," Giuliani said, "as I've been honest about the fact that I want to abort gun owners. Still, you should at least admire the zeal at which I went after gun owners with my experience as a prosecutor. Just another reminded that I was in real life what Fred Thompson played on TV." He chuckled a bit.

Fred Thompson glared at him. "Shut up."

Giuliani bowed his head. "Yes sir. Sorry sir."

"It should be noted that guns are not mentioned in the Constitution!" Ron Paul said. "Yes, they are in the Bill of Rights, but I have never liked that addition as it takes away from the blessed purity of the Constitution itself!"

Cooper nodded. "Okay. Next question."

"Wait a second," Romney said. "These questions aren't all going to be like this, are they? These seem more like questions based on ignorant stereotypes of conservatives, which I find offensive since I've been a strident conservative for five whole weeks now. We are not all a bunch of mindless bigots who love violence."

"I'm not sure if this a good point to mention it," Tancredo said, "but I have a new plan to combat illegal immigrants by setting their children on fire."

Romney turned to Tancredo. "You're kinda stepping on my point here, Tom."

"I assure you these are all carefully vetted questions," Cooper said, "and are the concerns of real conservatives and not based on some cartoonish stereotype. Here's the next question."

On screen was a young man covered in tattoos and piercings. "So why do you guys like kicking puppies?"

Romney groaned.

"I'd say because of the weird sound they make and because they're small so they fly far," Tancredo said.

"I want to make it clear that I am against the kicking puppies," John McCain said. "Even if we suspect a puppy has information about an upcoming terrorist attack, I am against kicking it."

"Do you have any questions from actual Republicans, Cooper?" Romney asked.

"They're all questions from undecided Republicans, so shut up!" Cooper said. "Here's the next one."

A very pale looking young man appeared on screen. "So, since you're all Christians and stuff, do you really think Jesus would be bombing Iraqi children like you guys?" He laughed to himself. "That oughta show those stupid Republicans. I should diary this on Kos..."

"This is pointless," Romney said.

"I should note that Jesus wasn't explicit on everything," Huckabee said. "Like He never said anything about eating pie, and I sure love my pie. Mmm... pie. But Jesus was clear on one thing: Raising taxes is okay if it's to fund programs to encourage illegal immigration. If you don't understand that, then maybe you aren't a good Christian."

"You're all missing the point here, people!" Ron Paul exclaimed, "We have encouraged attacks by existing! We need to withdraw America from everywhere in the world and hide it. We'll stop both terrorism and illegal immigration if no one can find us. Also, we should build a shield around all of America out of pure gold which will also back our dollar! It's just common sense!"

"If people don't want their kids blown up, they shouldn't piss us off," Fred Thompson said. "It's as simple as that. Now, are these questions submitted anonymously or can you tell me where these people are so I can hurt them?"

"I assure you that no one other than those with access to internet has any idea who these people are," Cooper answered. "Thus, CNN is completely clueless on that matter."

"I really suspect these questioners," Romney said. "I think some of these people may even be Democratic operatives."

"That's a crazy conspiracy theory," Cooper responded. "Don't make me put you in the nuts section with Ron Paul and Tancredo. Here's the next question."

A well coiffed man smilingly gaily appeared on screen. "Hi. I'm an undecided Republican and I just want to know how any of you think you can be elected president when none of you have fabulous hair like me."

"First off," Romney said, "my hair is much more fabulous and shiny. Second, that was not an undecided Republican; that was Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards."

Cooper shrugged. "Well, if we had known that, I'm sure we would have thought of mentioning it."

Fred Thompson pointed at the screen. "I want to beat up that sissy. Actually, if I am elected president, I promise to beat that sissy John Edwards."

"I really want to hurt him to," Giuliani said.

"So do all of you agree on the issue of hurting John Edwards?" Cooper asking.

All the candidates nodded in agreement except Ron Paul. "I'm not sure that's Constitutional."

"I also promise to beat Ron Paul with a rolled up Constitution," Fred Thompson said.

"This is a good discussion," Cooper stated. "Here's the next question."

A young black man appeared on screen. "Why do you think that even though blacks agree with you conservatives on most social issues they won't vote for any of you dumb honkeys?"

"Probably because I keep shooting them multiple times," Giuliani ventured.

"I think it's a cultural difference," McCain said. "Due to injuries I received from being tortured by gook bastards, I am physically incapable of waving my hands in the air like I just don't care which gives me great trouble when trying to relate to black people."

"I want black people to know that I want their vote and that my religion has been tolerant of black people for a couple decades now," Romney stated.

"I won't have any trouble getting black votes myself," Ron Paul said. "In fact, I'm half black. It's my lower half."

"We let black people vote now?" Tancredo asked, looking confused.

"Let's move on to the next question," Cooper said.

On screen appeared an old man. "I'm a retired gay general -- a regayneral -- and I wanted to know what you homo-haters think of that!"

Romney squinted at the screen. "I'm pretty sure I've seen that guy campaigning with Hillary."

"Well guess what... we've brought him here!" Cooper exclaimed.

In the audience stood up the man now wearing a "Gay for Hillary" t-shirt. "I'm here! I'm queer! Get used to it!"

Romney sighed. "This is ridiculous. We're not all irrationally scared of homosexuals as you in the media like to portray us."

"Careful!" Tancredo screamed, pointing at the man. "He might get his gay on us!"

"You're really not helping, Tom."

Tancredo looked around in pure fright as he covered his butt. "Where did he go!? Where did he go!?"

"I'm tired of this crap," Fred Thompson announced, "I'm going to bed."

Cooper pointed an accusing finger at him. "So you are just as lazy as they say! I knew--" He was knocked down by a large object. "Okay! Who threw Ron Paul at me?"

"This is stupid." Giuliani began to walk off. "I'm going to have my friends from New York back here to bust things up."

"This is just the sort of evil my sacred garments are supposed to protect me from." Romney left too.

"Frankly, I'd rather be back in the Hanoi Hilton than listen to another one of these internet twits." McCain walked away.

"I may have a goofy name, but I'm still too serious a person for this." Huckabee looked to the audience. "Chuck, you know what to do."

Chuck Norris walked up to Cooper and roundhouse kicked him in the face, knocking the CNN reporter out cold. Chuck then limped off. "Man, I forgot my arthritis meds."

Duncan Hunter walked away as well. "I'm not irrelevant enough to stay here."

Only Tancredo was left on stage. "I just want to say that we need to get all the illegal immigrants to Mecca so we can nuke them." He then held up a baby golden retriever. "Now someone hold this puppy still so I can see how far I can punt him."

Hillary Clinton is expected to give a major speech Thursday on Satanism to dispel any rumors about the religion that might be hurting her candidacy.

I'm going to try and hack out a new In My World™ by the end of the day, so keep your fingers crossed and don't bother me.

John Edwards wonders why they're called "push pins" instead of "shove with all your might until you're completely drenched in sweat pins".

Bonus Facts from Chris:
John Edwards never had girlfriends... just 'fag hags'

John Edwards has a special device that lowers oxygen levels in his house to keep from getting the bends.

If I read correctly the Ronulan Rapid-Response Task Force postings in the comments to this post (and no, I don't know why the comments are broken, but I'm sure it involved some sort of conspiracy between the CIA, the Jews, and the Stonecutters), Ron Paul wants to bring home our troops, close the borders and just hunker down, hoping that no one attacks.

We'll call this the "Panic Room" foreign policy, after the insipid Jodie Foster movie. So, like Jodie, we'll just squat down in our thick metal box with our closed circuit TV's waiting for trouble to come to us.

Of course, trouble will NEVER come to the USA, because we're protected from violent Arab nutjobs by two big oceans, not to mention TSA agents with a near-psychotic hatred of half-filled Evian bottles. Until terrorists develop an ICBM, we needn't fear Muslim fanatics.

"Do you feel lucky, Ahmadinejad?"

Besides, just like killer bees, pirahnas, the Ebola virus, and a long list of other things over which the extinction of I would not shed even the crocodilest of tears, they've proven time and time again that they'll ALWAYS leave us alone as long as we leave them alone.

I'm quite positive there are no exceptions to this rule. "Religion of Peace", you know.

On the other hand, some people prefer that we deliberately infiltrate the sleaziest, most run-down areas of the globe, find swarthy-looking gangs of young men with guns and bad attitudes, wait for them to ask us for our wallets, then gun them down without mercy or remorse.

"Death Wish" foreign policy at its finest.

"Hey American! Give up your freedoms and live under Sharia Law so we can rape your women, enslave your men, and eat your babies!"

"Eat lead, Muhammed!"

*BLAM! BLAM!*

"Who else wants some? How 'bout YOU, Libya?"

"Hey, man, we're cool. I'm shuttin' down my nuke program. Don't taze me, bro!"

Then again, there's always the "Dirty Harry" foreign policy where you pop off with some cool, witty line before killing the bad guy. Which is pretty much how I picture a Thompson administration.

Though it may be unpopular to some who are obviously motivated by racial bigotry, I support a path to citizenship for illegal aliens. This path will provide the fair shake they deserve and does not discriminate against them based on their race, creed, country of origen, or wetness of back. This enlightened path will lead them home, a home where local culture is respected.

Many illegal immigrants are hard working souls. The miniscule amount of work this path requires of them shouldn't scare them even a little bit. If it does, then well maybe they aren't nearly as hard working as we've been led to believe.

A Path To Citizenship.

Step 1: The path starts where the illegal immigrant currently is. It will vary from individual to individual. This is an obvious step because if it started somewhere else there would be no way for these hard working, well intentioned people to begin.

Step 2: Next the path to citizenship leads to a country where they hold legal citizenship. This part of the path should be simple for the illegal immigrant to identify and follow as it can involve the same means of transportation that brought them to the Step1 location. Answers to questions such as "where was I born" and "where do I send my checks?" will be clues to locating a suitable country. This is an important step as it removes their illegal status as well as their immigrant status. What if they are very far from a land where they have citizenship? Good news! The path also does not discriminate on the basis of distance to the illegal immigrant's home country. The path to citizenship did not drag them here, the path will however drag them out of here.

Step 3: The path proceeds to a US consulate or embassy in the nation they end up at (see step 2). On arrival there, the intended emigrees should be escorted directly to the back of the line. This is the traditional and time honored place in line that they have earned. There is no skipping down the path or in the line! The work begins here and it's paperwork. A process has been designed to enable them to petition for legal entry into the U.S. The document created by this process is called a VISA. Until a VISA is obtained the path ends, as it is the ticket for the rest of the path.

Step 4: Now that a VISA has been obtained, the path leads back to the U.S. through a legal border crossing or port of entry. There are several kinds of VISA but they will all allow foreign nationals to enter the U.S. 100% sneak-free! It is the document that an undocumented person doesn't have. Some VISAs also permit non citizens to reside in the US legally for a set period of time limited by certain conditions such as law abidance, student status, employment and a few others.

Step 5: The path now doesn't have a particular direction other than from a place of residence to a place of employment. But as long as they reside in the US for the period of time required by law, learn the native language, take and pass the citizenship test and swear the oath of citizenship, then they will have followed this novel path to citizenship.

It isn't a perfect path but for over 231 years not uncounted and not untold thousands upon thousands of their former and our current countrymen and countrywomen have been using it successfully. We truly are a nation of immigrants. But If it were a nation of illegal immigrants we would not be one nation.

Illegals, Get A VISA,
We Don't Offer American Express.

Spacemonkey is the author of such books as "No, te puede!", ".45 Caliber Amnesty", and "If Your Culture Is So Frickin' Great, Why Can't IT Make You A Job?" published under the pen name Celestial Simian.

Frank's not allowed to post stuff today, because I'm making him clean my pots and pans. I want them shiny!

Also, I love Idaho! There are mountains here! They're white. I think that's from snow.

By the way, I don't like Democrats. And off-leash aggressive dogs.

While Fred Thompson has always had a merry Christmas, he's never had a happy holiday.

I am now in the new IMAO headquarters in Boise, Idaho, and expect to return to regular posting tomorrow. I'm not sure who this concerns, but post times will still be Eastern time for continuity sake. I have two In My Worlds™ and a number of other posts brewing in my head I'm dying to get out there, so hopefully it will be fun. A lot of stuff has been happening the past two weeks and I'm tired of not getting my word in. We do have a president to pick, and it's our American duty to make sure he kicks ass (and is a he).

Thanks to all the IMAO bloggers who kept things going while I'm gone with special thanks to Spacemonkey for doing research into more Fred Thompson facts and to Harvey for his always solid blogging (which will continue, of course). Also, I plan to get back to more Ronin Profiles and will probably have a open casting again tomorrow.

Did any of you hear the rumor about one of the Idaho Senators? Man, I hope that's not true. Anyway, if any of you know much about Idaho politics tell me, because I plan to be here a while I want to get involved in local politics so I can run for something some day. My brother has some connections here, but he's heading off to Iraq again. He's always in Iraq when I actually have use for him.

Thanks to his mother's constant guilt trips, John Edwards uses every last drop of conditioner in the bottle because "there are millions of children with frizzy hair in India".

From an airplane, people look like ants... except for Fred Thompson. He still looks like Fred Thompson.

Fred Thompson has never needed to move. Weak towns flee him while strong towns naturally grow near.

John Edwards always keeps a pitcher of water handy to extinguish the spicy burn after a bite of celery.

[WARNING: Serious content ahead in the extended entry, void of humor. If you're here to be amused, please see the posts above or below this one]

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