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January 31, 2008
An Idea for Airport Security
Posted by Frank J. at 04:01 PM | Email This

Racial profiling is bad, but I have another idea for airport security. Why don't the airport screeners have a board up with pictures of the last ten identified terrorists. Then they can give extra screening to people who resembles those ten. That is, they'll not be looking for people of a certain race but instead people who look "terroristy." Maybe there will be nothing similar between the most recently identified terrorists, but then again maybe a shrewd screener will subconciously pick up on some similiarity between them -- something the concious eye might miss -- that he or she can use to identify other potential terrorists.

Since this won't involve race at all, I don't see why it would make anyone mad.

Except terrorists.

Rating: 2.4/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (39)
A Suggestion
Posted by Frank J. at 01:29 PM | Email This

At the press conference announcing Ahnuld's endorsement of McCain, a reporter asked him the standard, "Why are our people dying in Iraq?!" question. Wouldn't a good answer be, "If you're so curious, why don't you ask a soldier? They take a lot of pride in what they're doing, and I'm sure they'd be happy to explain it to you."

I really hate questions that are patronizing to those serving in the military and paints them as victims. I know if you ask my brother, Lt. Joe foo' the Marine, he can explain the purpose of the military pretty well.

Except, of course, it's kinda hard to ask since he's in Iraq.

Rating: 2.0/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (25)
A Proposal
Posted by Frank J. at 12:43 PM | Email This

It's a bit too early for this and we'll see how Super Tuesday goes, but we do need to accept the reality that John McCain will most likely be our nominee. I'm considering doing a multi-part series entitled "Learning to Live with McCain." So I guess I'm asking is if I make us some Kool-Aid, will you guys drink it?

Rating: 3.3/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (123)
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Facts Grand Finale
Posted by Harvey at 11:38 AM | Email This

john edwards fabulous.jpgApparently my Fabulous Facts so humiliated the little pillow-biter that he quit the race and ran home crying to his mommy.

And yet I still have a big pile of Facts left.

Seems kinda pointless to keep kicking the man in his withered jubblies every day when he's not in the race any more, so I'll just do one more big Riverdance on his cowering form and call it a day.

I do, however, reserve the right to resurrect this feature in the horribly unlikely event that he gets the nod for VP.

Note for those who've suggested an Obama daily feature - it's not ripe for happening yet. The man simply doesn't have a mockable stereotype, since he's just another black socialist, albeit a particularly clean and articulate one. Hillary's got pure evil. What's Barack got?

If he develops a personality between now and the convention - or at least gets a humiliating YouTube video posted about him - I may be able to get something going.

Meanwhile, let's say good-bye in style to Ann Coulter's favorite faggot:



Two Bonus Facts from Silicon Valley Jim:
John Edwards's abrupt decision to abandon his quest for the Democrat Presidential nomination was prompted by his sudden realization that he wouldn't be able to have either Judy Garland or Ethel Merman perform at the inaugural ball.

John Edwards looks forward to Super Bowl Sunday every year, because all those folks at home watching the game means they're not at the mall getting in the way of his shoe shopping.

And here's me emptying my Big Bucket O' Fabulous Facts:

* The truth in John Edwards's secret heart is that he would gladly see EVERYONE in America living in poverty if it could somehow cause the development of a painless leg hair removal process.

* John Edwards doesn't understand how people could accidentally grab two coffee filters. How could they lift them both?

* John Edwards Pet Peeve #53 - "waterproof" mascara that runs all over the pillow he's biting.

* In John Edwards's experience, ALL caps are childproof.

* John Edwards Pet Peeve #61 - getting poked by his underwire.

* John Edwards always takes it personally and starts crying when he sees a "no fat chicks" bumper sticker.

* John Edwards wonders - how DO people manage to wrap things in aluminum foil?

* Does anyone else think it odd that if you ask John Edwards for advice about jock itch, he'll nod & say "Vagisil"?

* John Edwards is physically incapable of passing a women's magazine rack without jealously hissing "siliconed hussy!".

* Although usually a model of self-control, John Edwards will still occasionally slip and wink at a hot guy cruising by in a convertible.

* John Edwards's saddest day wasn't November 2, 2004, it was the day he realized that he would never be the guest of honor at a baby shower.

* John Edwards Pet Peeve #75 - returning his airplane seat to the upright & locked position and getting flung over the seat in front of him in the process.

* John Edwards puts the "man" in "manicure".

* Although not famous for his pugilistic skills, John Edwards did once manage to bruise a banana while bloodying only two knuckles.

* John Edwards hates the look of his 5 o'clock shadow, but some days your hectic campaign schedule only gives you the chance to shave your legs first thing in the morning.

* At parties, John Edwards always whips out his wallet and starts showing off pictures of his hair dryers.

* America's Funniest Home Video - John Edwards trying to pick anchovies off his pizza and being soundly defeated by the superior might of the cheese.

Just kidding. THIS will always be America's Funniest Home Video.

So long, John, and thanks for all the comedy gold.

Rating: 2.8/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (14) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
An Idea
Posted by Frank J. at 09:09 AM | Email This

We should take all the gold we have in Fort Knox and fire it off into space. That way we'll never be tempted to do something as foolish as back our money with it.

It's a great idea, though I hear Ron Paul opposes it. He's a nut.

Rating: 2.3/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (21) | Ron Paul, Ron Paul, Ron Paul
January 30, 2008
"Now Martin Is Scoring Off Me!" *UPDATED With Response from Colmes*
Posted by Frank J. at 11:56 PM | Email This

I've always kinda liked Alan Colmes even though I disagree with him on everything and he is basically the FOX News whipping-boy liberal. I guess he just seems more reasonable sitting next to the very yelly Sean Hannity. Anyway, after the President's State of the Union Address Monday, FOX News had a text message poll on on whether the speech was good, fair, or poor. When they had the results, Colmes announced, "And the winner is... Ron Paul!"

Now here he is on his radio show handling a Ronulan trying to claim that Ron Paul won New Hampshire (hat tip Hot Air). You don't see that personality too much on FOX News.

And did you hear how Giuliani made fun of Ron Paul in his concession speech? You're never so down and out that you still can't make fun of Ron Paul and his nutty supporters.

UPDATE:

Got an e-mail from Alan Colmes:

Hi Frank,

Thanks for all the kind comments your commenters said about me. I’m going immediately for an AIDS test.

My blog is www.liberalland.com.

Alan

See what you idgits did? You made me look bad in front of the people at FOX News. Luckily Alan Colmes seems to have a sense of humor.

Anyway, let this be a reminder that anytime you write something bad about someone on the internet, he could be reading it. So be nice... unless you're talking about Ron Paul.

Rating: 1.9/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (39) | Ron Paul, Ron Paul, Ron Paul
The Debate
Posted by Frank J. at 08:07 PM | Email This

On now on CNN. It's Romney's last chance to energize conservatives. Hopefully he brought Krull.

Rating: 3.1/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (23)
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 02:29 PM | Email This

john edwards fabulous.jpgThat sound... as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced... just John Edwards chipping his his nail polish two hours after a manicure.

Rating: 3.0/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (14) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
In Hillary's Arrogant Opinion
Posted by Harvey at 12:32 PM | Email This

Panicky pig in a pantsuit Hillary Clinton poured another 100 gallons of stupid into the bubbling cauldron of her campaign's retarded soundbites by floating the notion that "we should have bloggers inside government agencies so that people get real-time information about what's going on."

It's bad enough bloggers have a reputation as one-hand-typing, basement-dwelling, pajama-clad ignorant windbags of hate and irresponsiblity, but now she wants to add "cronyfied government tools" to the list.

Nothing - save the blithering one-thought echo-chamber of the Huffington Post - offends my sensibilities as a freelance beholdin' to no-one speechifier more than the thought of the actual existence of an official government mouthpiece biting the nipple off the blogospheric bastion of anarchy at which I daily and enthusiastically give suck.

Still, since bad things DO happen to good people, the day may come when a blogger DOES get put into a government agency (which I assume is just a Clintonesque euphemism for "Super Happy Lucky Fun Re-education Camp"). Thus, I wonder aloud, "what will this dreary, Hillary-mandated outlet of 1984tastic goodspeakisms be titled?"

And answer myself thusly:



* PravdaPundit

* Winston Smith's Daily Journal

* Not Lying Because I'm Not Under Oath

* Freedom! Horrible, Horrible Freedom!

* I'm From the Government and I'm Here to Blog You

* Ministry of Truthiness

* 'Status Quo' is the New 'Change'

* Should've Listened to Ron Paul!

Hey! How'd THAT one get in there?

* Cankling to Prosperity

* Sanitized For Your Protection

* Your Tax Dollars Hard at Work Instead of Squandered on the Frivilous Crap YOU Had Your Eye On



And, of course, the obligatory witty tagline:

"Doing the Truth Like the DMV Does Customer Service"

Anyway, that's just me. What would YOUR official Happy Camp blog be called?

Rating: 3.1/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (59) | Election 2008
Tough Times Call for a Tough Romney
Posted by Frank J. at 11:11 AM | Email This

Things aren't going great for Romney right now, but I think my image change suggestions from yesterday is probably a step in the right direction. I also liked the rumor I heard about him. While rumors they did hard time might be bad for some candidates, it would actually make Romney more interesting. Why do you think McCain is doing so well? It's because the problems in the world today look like they could best be handled by a cranky old man. Similarly, people might trust a hardened criminal to look out for our interests against evil terrorists. If you really want to help Romney, act like it's common knowledge he's done time for violent felonies. In fact, his campaign should put out rumors about what a hardcore criminal Romney is but make it look like some other campaign is behind those rumors. They should then condemn the "smear tactic" while conspicuously not denying any of the rumors.

People are going to be like, "Romney is crazy, dude! Maybe he should run the country. At least it would keep him off the streets."

So, start thinking of some rumors to spread. Until then, I thought I should share these facts about Romney I found out.

ROMNEY RUMORS

* Romney got a lot of free publicity for his presidential run since there a picture of him in every post office.

* Most of Mitt Romney's teeth aren't real since he had them all knocked in various bar fights. You might think that means he's not a particularly good fighter, but it's just because he keep fighting like six people at once. That guy does not back down. I tell you, he's @#$% nuts.

* Man has yet to invent something that Romney can't turn into a shiv.


Mitt Romney and his timber wolf Krull getting ready to raise hell.

* Most frequent campaigning advice Romney receives: "People frown on beating up cops."

* Romney hasn't been the biggest gun rights advocate because all his violent felonies means he can't legally own one anyway. Actually, most gun dealers have up a picture of Romney in their store that says, "Whatever you do, don't sell this guy a gun because he will @#$% kill people."

* Romney wants to make sure everyone has healthcare... except for snitches.

* In the latest Hitman video game, if in a mission you quietly kill your target without alerting anyone, you get the rating of "Silent Assassin." If you ignore stealth and beat everyone to death with a shovel, you get a rating of "Mitt Romney."

* Someone once made a joke that since Romney's nickname is "Mitt," he must be a catcher in prison. Emphasis on "once."

* While Romney doesn't punch hippies, when a hippie came to Romney asking him to sign a petition about the war, Romney stabbed him through the eye with the pen.

* Romney's five sons have a total of eleven children and twelve prison sentences. It's common knowledge that if you see all five Romney kids in once place, you get the @#$% out of there because some serious @#$% is about to go down.

* Romney cares about the environment so much he's made sure his chop shop is equipped to handle hybrids.

* Romney plans to be president for four years, eight with good behavior.

Rating: 3.7/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (47)
Just Something I Noted
Posted by Frank J. at 10:04 AM | Email This

They called Fred Thompson lazy, but, unlike certain New York mayors, he did try campaigning in more than one state before calling it quits.

Rating: 2.6/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (18)
McCaaaaaaaaaaaaain!!!
Posted by Frank J. at 09:01 AM | Email This

It's looking like a real possibility we're going to end up with McCain as our nominee, and, frankly, he has a real good shot to win the presidency because all those [expletive deleted] independents just love him so much. Now, obviously, our viewpoints fall more in line with McCain than either Hillary or Obama, but who do you think hates conservatives more out of those three? I think Hillary and Obama just see us conservatives as obstacles to overcome, while I get this feeling that McCain viscerally hates us and wants to screw us any chance he gets. He loves how the media adores him (at times) and labels him "the Maverick" and doesn't like how we constantly point out what a crock that is (what is a moderate but someone without a very coherent political philosophy?). When he gets more power, he's going to make us pay.

So, the advantages of McCain is we'll have a Republican president and a strong stance on Iraq. Disadvantage: We're going to be repeatedly sodomized.

Rating: 2.7/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (69)
January 29, 2008
House Approves Stimulus Package
Posted by Cadet Happy at 11:11 PM | Email This

The House today overwhelmingly approved the President's economic stimulus plan. The plan calls for NASA to launch the space shuttle Atlantis, maneuver it into geostationary orbit over the Midwest, and dump $149 billion of taxpayer money into the upper atmosphere. If the plan does not result in a boost to the United States economy, the President has a reserve plan at the ready involving magic beans and fairy dust. The President has also requested, if there is enough spare room on the shuttle to allow it, that the last remaining copies of the Contract with America--particularly those portions dealing with a balanced budget--be tossed into space along with the stimulus cash.

bushplan.jpg

Rating: 2.1/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (12)
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 09:28 PM | Email This

john edwards fabulous.jpgJohn Edwards Pet Peeve #47 - burning his mouth on vichyssoise.

Rating: 2.8/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (8) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
It's Time for IMAO to Help Romney
Posted by Frank J. at 02:42 PM | Email This

I liked my ideas earlier to make Mitt Romney look tougher, but more needs to be done. I like how he has a one syllable nickname, but he needs something better than "Mitt." Maybe instead he could be called "Thor." What do you think?

Everyone chip in and help. This is the best we have to work with, people.

Rating: 2.9/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (97)
Romney Rumors
Posted by Frank J. at 01:29 PM | Email This

You'll never see Romney shirtless because his campaign doesn't want people seeing all the prison tats he has.

Rating: 2.0/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (37)
lolterizt! Part 32
Posted by Harvey at 12:26 PM | Email This

Once again, pass 'em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don't be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.



bet on giants.jpg

calling shotgun.jpg

make your own.jpg

mouthhole.jpg

pop tart.jpg

rosie was right.jpg

making stroggs.jpg
[Reference link]



From Omar:
kung foo terrorists.jpg

From Joel:
thoughtpolice.jpg
[Reference link]

From Aaron of Free Will:
driving.jpg

Two from Erik Wit:
pizza.JPG

poke.JPG

GEBIV of There's One, Only! has a handful over at his place.



PRODUCTION NOTE: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

SOURCE NOTE: Snapped Shot - unerringly finds propagantastic photos staged by the MSM and makes my job easy.

Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and - if they aren't obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don't suck too terribly bad - I'll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

Rating: 2.9/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (3) | lolterizt
I Just Realized Something
Posted by Frank J. at 11:01 AM | Email This

I actually do care about the Florida primary and hope Romney wins. I just really don't like McCain and Huckabee (and have no strong opinion about Giuliani -- much like most Florida voters).

I just wish there was some aspect to Romney to get behind other than "acceptable to conservatives." Liberals seem to hate him, but liberals also hate Bush so liberal hate alone only gets you so far in my book.

What Romney needs is an image change. First thing: Grow a goatee and shave your head. That will make you stand out from the paint by numbers presidential candidates. Next, lose the suit and wear something more appropriate for a member of Hell's Angels. Thirdly, tame a timber wolf and have it follow you around on the campaign trail. Finally, lose the long winded speeched. Instead, just shout to assembled crowds words like "CRUSH!" and "DESTROY!" (those really are great applause lines). If you feel you must say something more, say, "I am Death! My coming cannot be stopped!"

If Romney can pull that off, I'll not only vote for him, I'll donate to his campaign.

Rating: 2.1/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (33)
Tiny People for Fred
Posted by Frank J. at 10:04 AM | Email This

The only size left for the Fred Thompson shirt is small. Despite him dropping out, people are still buying the shirt (I saw some guy in Germany by a couple the other day). Anyway, it's sure to be a collector's item, so snatch up those last few. Who know; maybe he'll be the VP candidate and the shirt can be relevant again.

Wait a sec... I don't even have one of those shirts...

Rating: 1.9/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (3)
Better State of the Union Address
Posted by Frank J. at 09:39 AM | Email This

Wouldn't the State of the Union Address have been better if President Bush just had said this:

"The State of the Union... could be better, could be worse."

"..."

"I'm heading out for a smoke now."

Of course, I was expecting President Bush to say he is going to refuse to leave office and finally open those prison camps the Kos Kids found out about. That sort of the announcement might actually get him back in the news cycle despite the contentious primary.

If Hillary win the presidency and set the precedent that being married to the president makes you presidential material, do you think Laura Bush might make a run for it? She's a much better wife, so I think she's more qualified.

Rating: 3.1/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (7)
Notice
Posted by Frank J. at 09:02 AM | Email This

SarahK says I can't read Mary Katharine Ham anymore since she has been officially designated "The Worst Person in the World." SarahK says I can only read the blogs of good people.

Rating: 2.4/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Maybe this was what he meant when he said he admired Reagan
Posted by Cadet Happy at 05:43 AM | Email This

trwall.jpg

Obama takes big risk on driver's license issue

(01-28) 04:00 PST Washington -- Sen. Barack Obama easily won the African American vote in South Carolina, but to woo California Latinos, where he is running 3-to-1 behind rival Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton, he is taking a giant risk: spotlighting his support for the red-hot issue of granting driver's licenses to illegal immigrants.

Rating: 2.6/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (10)
January 28, 2008
President Bush's State of the Union is Tonight
Posted by Frank J. at 08:42 PM | Email This

He's still around?

Rating: 3.1/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (13)
Reacting to Backlash, Clinton Campaign Neuters Attack Dog
Posted by Cadet Happy at 05:18 PM | Email This

poorbill.jpg

Rating: 3.2/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (11)
Thought of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 04:56 PM | Email This

You'll always be happy as long as you can still enjoy the simple things in life -- such as wearing a warm poncho straight out of the dryer on a cold day.

I got the poncho during a stop in Mexico on our honeymoon cruise, and thus I assume its an authentic Mexican poncho. I mean, they wouldn't make ponchos in Taiwan and ship them to Mexico, would they? Plus, I assume Mexico still has plenty of good poncho makers because if you could make a good poncho, why in the world would you ever be motivated to illegally sneak into America to do unskilled labor?

Anyway, I bought the poncho so I could dramatically sweep it over my shoulder to reveal the six-shooter at my hip -- just like my hero The Man With No Name (Other Than Joe, Manco, and Blondie). It ends up, though, that wearing a poncho today just makes people avoid so you never needed the six-shooter in the first place. So instead of it being a peacemaker-concealer, the poncho is now just something I throw on on a cold morning when I'm too lazy to get dressed and want to lounge around reading the nets. I guess that means that instead of being a pajama-wearing blogger, I'm a poncho blogger... which is way cooler.

Rating: 1.8/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (22)
Thought of the Day
Posted by Cadet Happy at 04:55 PM | Email This

You'll always be happy as long as you can still enjoy the simple things in life -- such as wearing a warm poncho straight out of the dryer on a cold day. I bought the poncho so I could dramatically sweep it over my shoulder to reveal the six-shooter at my hip. Now the poncho is just something I throw on on a cold morning when I'm too lazy to get dressed and want to lounge around reading the nets. I guess that means that instead of being a pajama-wearing blogger, I'm a poncho blogger... which is way cooler.

[Not advisable.]

Read More...


Rating: 1.9/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (11) | I Hate Frank
You Ever Get the Feeling That McCain Is Simply Running for President as a Big "Screw You!" to Conservatives?
Posted by Frank J. at 04:13 PM | Email This

It sometimes seems that way. Frankly, we are a bunch of assholes, but I still don't think we deserves this treatment.

He's still better than Huckabee.

Rating: 2.6/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (26)
Uncivil War on Airor America
Posted by Cadet Happy at 03:58 PM | Email This

Do yourself a favor and tune into Airor America in the next week or so (you can live stream it on the web free--no one in their right mind would actually pay for it). The "progressive" hosts are frothing at the mouth in support of their Democratic candidate of choice. Hillary supporters are slamming Obama about what a "crybaby" he is, and how he has zero qualification to be President. Obama supporters are slamming Hillary and Bill about how he is overpowering her, accuse the Clintons of resorting to guttural, racist tactics, and even throw in the "sham marriage" and infidelity accusations that have long been a favorite talking point of the "vast wing conspiracy". Edwards supporters are . . . well . . . they aren't really doing anything since there aren't any. The next month or so will likely be the only time in the foreseeable future when you, like me, may actually be able to listen to these "progressive" idiots for more then 60 seconds without retching. This window is more narrow than your typical Mars shot, and nearly as rare as the return of Haley's Comet. Don't miss out on your chance to hear the Democrats fall over themselves to eat their young, even though your instincts and every fiber of your being fight against tuning into their leftist, lunatic, propaganda machine.

airoramerica.jpg

Rating: 2.3/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 03:11 PM | Email This

john edwards fabulous.jpgSay what you will about John Edwards, but at least his "getting out of the limo upskirt shots" ALWAYS show him wearing panties.

Rating: 2.3/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (8) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
Just So Someone Says It Publicly *UPDATED*
Posted by Frank J. at 03:08 PM | Email This

I've known this since freshman year of college when, for a class, I read an interview with her in which she lamented that too many blacks were going to school, but I've never said it here: Toni Morrison is a racist dumbass of monumental proportions. If you combined the worst condescending attitudes towards black people of a white liberal with an actual black person who thus has no fear of saying whatever she wants about blacks, you get Toni Morrison.

I remember in that college class I had a choice between getting an A or saying exactly what I thought of Toni Morrison in my final paper. It was an easy choice.

BTW, I learned from that same class by reading Beloved that a novel has to be some pretty atrocious crap to win both the Pulitzer and the Nobel Prize. Man did I need a Tom Clancy novel as a palate cleanser after that.

UPDATE:

I'm getting creamed on the original version of this post which was egregious in its errors even by my own standards. I guess I've gotten too used to the forgiveness of my readers and shouldn't have hacked out a post before my morning coffee and not even proofread it. Still, I hope the two points of the post were still clear:

1. I really hate Toni Morrison.
2. I'm still obsessed with every B I got in college.

On the subject of glass houses and kettles, look what I found in Ann Althouse's post -- the same post in which she is very mean to me:

But now, she's supporting Obama, and it's not necessary a contradiction.

I think that should be "necessarily"... emphasis on "think" because I don't have a very good track record today. Mistakes are why pencils have erasures erasers, though.

Rating: 2.7/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (71)
State of the Climate: A Review
Posted by Harvey at 01:04 PM | Email This
Qualifications for advising on climate change: 'checking the temperature' of blondes he's not married to.

Philandering Democrat and failed 1988 presidential candidate Gary Hart is reduced to pimping the "State of the Climate" assessment delivered to the White House on the eve of President Bush's "state of the nation" address. This assessment was prepared by the Presidential Climate Action Project, a "non-partisan" group awash in socialist lapdogs.

Since few people have the stomach to read this commie pap sandwich, I've taken the liberty of digesting it for you, and will vomit the remains into your hungry minds like a doting mother bird:

The "State of the Climate" declaration urges ten steps that must be taken before the 44th president delivers the next state of the union address:

Or we will all die.

1) Recognize that climate change transcends politics and partisanship.

Code for "Republicans need to shut the hell up so that we can inflict our superior wisdom on the benighted masses."

2) To reverse our catastrophic slide, accept that sacrifices will be required.

And accept that when there are sacrifices, there are those who make them and those who collect them. Guess which group PCAP plans to fall into?

3) Acknowledge that climate action requires a new national energy policy.

Here's a policy - kill anyone who causes a temperature change of more than ten degrees. Mission accomplished.

4) Recognize that our national security is at stake with climate deterioration.

I assume because increasing temperatures - like everything else - angers the Arab Street.

5) Begin transition to a post-carbon economy. Opening new economic opportunities for all segments of society.

Except those who work in the multi-trillion dollar carbon-based energy part of the economy.

6) Impliment[sic] concrete climate action at home to set the stage for engaging other nations.

So... when the mob put Hoffa in a barrel of cement & dumped him in the harbor, they were just being environmentally prescient?

7) Break the hold of entrenched special interests over our climate policy.

FINALLY something sensible! I sincerely wish PCAP the best of luck in getting Al Gore and the MSM to stifle their yammering cakeholes. If it keeps NBC from having another Eco-Nazi Green Week, I'll personally cut those boys a check for 20 large.

8) Make a major investment in federal earth sciences research.

Part of good investing is knowing when to cut your losses, so de-funding Gaia-worshipping scam artists would definitely qualify.

9) Evaluate products and energy supplies for climate impact over their lives.

I already do that, which is why I bought a low-efficiency SUV and leave it idling in my driveway 24/7. Pave the Planet, people!

10) Recognize that climate change is the leadership issue of our times.

At least for the people who haven't been killed by terrorists.

Hey, I'm not saying Hart is an idiot for getting involved in this nonsense, I'm just saying his priorities are skewed.

And THAT makes him an idiot.

Rating: 3.6/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (14)
America Should Decide Who Lives and Who Dies
Posted by Frank J. at 11:04 AM | Email This

There are a lot of evil people in the world there who walk out in the open with no fear. They are called "rulers of other countries." It's time this practiced ends. It's time they end. With all the sniper rifle and bomb technology we have, there is no reason that evil people should rule any country any where in the world... or ever show their face publicly ever again.

It is time America starts systematically killing everyone we know to be bad.

Now, some ask what give us the right to decide who lives and who dies. I answer that the fact that America is superior at everything means we deserve the exclusive right to decide who lives and who dies. Many foreigners are only alive today because America's existence scares away evil, so we deserve to be able to kill many many people in payment for how many we've helped live. If anyone disagrees with this, that's okay; just don't do it vocally if you're a foreign because we can and probably will kill you. That's what you get for getting in the way of solving the problem that evil people are still breathing.

Frank J. 'XX for Some Office
"Genociding evil."

Rating: 2.5/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (17)
Race War!
Posted by Frank J. at 10:37 AM | Email This

Apparently, the Democrats are having some inner-party race war. Apparently Bill Clinton compared Obama's South Carolina win to that of Jesse Jackson's who won solely by getting the black vote. Now, any comparison of anyone to Jesse Jackson for any reason is fighting words, but apparently the first black president, Billy Jeff, is trying to stir up white people against their black oppressors who are denying them the first woman president by implying that the only reason anyone is voting for Obama is because of his skin color. Interestingly, the Democrat vote in SC was something like 61% female (really, you have to be pretty dickless to vote for any of those nanny-state ninnies), so it's more of a race war between white women and black men. I don't know where the Hispanics are going to land, but I'd like to remind them that the Republican Party will welcome them with open arms (just make sure you have your proof of citizenship handy).

Interesting that while the Republicans are floundering, the Democrats are violently ripping themselves apart. No matter how badly Republicans fail, we can always count on the Democrats to fail even more spectacularly (which is why both parties are crap right now). The Clinton "watch out for the scary black voter" strategy will probably work, too, since it's pretty well known that if you scratch a liberal, you reveal a ginormous racist. You don't get that patronizing by actually respecting your fellow man.

Rating: 3.1/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (13)
Congratulation on Obama's South Carolina Win
Posted by Frank J. at 09:41 AM | Email This

Obama had a huge win in South Carolina, and I, for one, welcome our new Obama overlord. I’d like to remind him that as a trusted blogger personality, I can be helpful in rounding up others to toil in his underground healthcare caves.

Rating: 2.9/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (13)
Note to Political Phone Callers
Posted by Frank J. at 09:00 AM | Email This

We no longer live in Florida. Stop bothering us.

That goes for you especially, Charlie Crist.

Rating: 2.6/5 (10 votes cast)

Do They Still Wish for Defeat and Hate Bush?
Posted by Frank J. at 08:10 AM | Email This

I just realized that I haven't even thought about checking out Daily Kos in weeks. They just haven't seemed very relevant since the primary got underway.

Not that IMAO is very relevant, but we don't have a yearly convention that most major Republicans attend (though that would be cool).

Rating: 2.7/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (6)
January 27, 2008
Good (?) Cop, Bad Cop
Posted by Cadet Happy at 07:06 PM | Email This

goodbadcop.jpg

Rating: 3.3/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (23)
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 12:51 PM | Email This

john edwards fabulous.jpgJohn Edwards is jealous of Jane Fonda's career for many reasons, but mostly because it included John Edwards's lifelong dream of kissing Ted Turner's tickly little moustache.

Rating: 2.5/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (7) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
January 26, 2008
Weekend PaulBaiting
Posted by Harvey at 07:39 PM | Email This

RonPaul buffering.jpg

Rating: 2.8/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (60) | Ron Paul, Ron Paul, Ron Paul
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 06:09 PM | Email This

john edwards fabulous.jpgFor John Edwards, dropping the soap in the shower isn't a tragedy, it's a greeting.

Rating: 2.5/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (12) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
January 25, 2008
I Notice There Aren't Any Quotes About Mass Graves
Posted by Harvey at 02:18 PM | Email This

The ironically-named Center for Public Integrity posted 935 of the Bush administration's statements about Iraq that it claims "methodically propagated erroneous information over the two years beginning on Sept. 11, 2001".

In response, IMAO has created its own website which lists all the methodically propagated accurate information uttered by Democrats since 9/11.

Screenshot in the extended entry...

Read More...


Rating: 3.1/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (44)
I Wonder Who Osama bin Laden Is Endorsing in the Republican Primary?
Posted by Frank J. at 11:41 AM | Email This

So, the New York Times endorsed McCain, something being touted by every candidate except McCain, though McCain does have the endorsement on his site. That's being a maverick to the point of sheer stupidity.

You figure this has to hurt him. His big issue is he's the best candidate for the Iraq War, but he just got the endorsement of perhaps the most prominent "defeat at any cost" douches.

So, do you think the New York Times editorial board knew what they were doing? If they were at all strategic, they would have praised the candidate they hated most and trashed the candidate they really wanted to win (incidentally, the NYT only singled out Giuliani as a target of their impotent anger); they could really affect the election outcome that way. I think the NYT is too arrogant for that, though. Anyway, this combined with whether this is true might be enough to sink McCain, paving the way for a Romney victory. Yay vanilla ice cream! It's so... there!

Editor's Note: Though the title of this post is meant to be a rhetorical question, the answer is, of course, Ron Paul, the only hope for America.

Rating: 3.2/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (66)
Another Debate?
Posted by Frank J. at 11:13 AM | Email This

There was another Republican debate last night, but this one I haven't bother reading the reactions to. Who cares anymore? Plus, who doesn't know all about the candidates by this point? I'm guessing all you blog readers know them pretty well, but apparently there are a number of primary voters who were too busy licking the paint on the walls to do much studying about the candidates.

I think the only way I could get interested in the primary process again is if I had money riding on it.

Rating: 2.6/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (29)
January 24, 2008
Rambo for McCain
Posted by Frank J. at 07:36 PM | Email This

So Sylvester Stallone endorsed John McCain. My question: How can anyone tell that from the guttural mumbling he uses as speech?

REPORTER: So what do you think of John McCain?

STALLONE: Ra rur ruh rur uh ruh.

Now everyone is asking who would win in a fight between Stallone and Chuck Norris. Obviously it's Chuck Norris... especially if it's an enunciation battle.

Rating: 2.7/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (51)
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 02:36 PM | Email This

john edwards fabulous.jpgEasiest job in the world: being John Edwards's athletic supporter.

Hardest job in the world: being his Wonderbra.

Rating: 3.2/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (10) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
Hmm
Posted by Frank J. at 02:03 PM | Email This

I kinda like the Democrats when they're giving me money.

Rating: 2.3/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (41)
Duncan Hunter for Huckabee?
Posted by Frank J. at 01:48 PM | Email This

SarahK was as surprised as I was and demanded over IM that John Hawkins explain. I dunno; I think Hawkins sees Huckabee through a bit of rose colored glasses (in that he thinks Huckabee is only awful and not appallingly awful).

Rating: 3.1/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (26)
Do Other Countries Know How Much They Suck?
Posted by Frank J. at 12:56 PM | Email This

As the most powerful and most awesome nation ever ever, America leaves a lot for other countries to measure up to, but they don't even seem to be trying. It's time America makes sure other countries know exactly how much they suck. I mean really rub their faces in it.

We could start by buying the most expensive properties in some foreign countries just we can raze them to the ground. Why? Because we have money to burn like that because we're so awesome. Then we can invade some countries, completely overthrow their governments, and just leave. If other countries ask why, we should say, "That's the wrong question. What you should be asking is, 'If we didn't suck so much, would this still happen to us?'"

Most other countries in the world are seriously underachieving. It's the duty of America, the most awesomest nation there is, to get out countries to do better. The only way to do that is to make sure they know exactly how much they suck.

Frank J. 'XX for Some Office
"Letting other countries know exactly how much they suck."

Rating: 2.6/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (8)
He'd Still Get His Ass Handed To Him
Posted by Harvey at 11:19 AM | Email This

After failing miserably to win in any measurable fashion against Democratic frontrunners Obama & Clinton, John Edwards is trying a new strategy: running against Ronald Reagan:

"I would never use Ronald Reagan as an example of change," Edwards said. "You think about what Ronald Reagan did, to America, the American people, to the middle class, to working people. He was openly, openly intolerant of unions and the right to organize."

Even running against a 96-year-old dead man, Edwards fails miserably. If the election were held today, and the lifeless, fleshless, Alzheimer's-besotted remains of America's greatest President were running against Edwards, it'd be 1984 all over again, except that Edwards wouldn't carry Minnesota or D.C.

Here's a few other opponents Edwards would fail against just as miserably:



* Fred Thompson

* An empty chair that Fred Thompson once sat in.

* A ball of Jeffrey Dahmer's earwax.

* Frank J and/or that dog he claims to own. Has anyone ever seem them in the same room together or been given ANY reliable proof that they're NOT the same person?

* Any random wad of gum scraped off the underside of a table.

* Ron Paul

* Just kidding.

* Full-volume Billy Mays.

* A cable-TV price increase.

* Dilbert's pointy-haired boss.

* Trump's hair.

* This jar of fuzzy... something... I found in the back of my fridge.

fuzzy fridge stuff.jpg



If you can think of anything else that would make an electoral sweep against the Johnster, pipe up in the comments.

Unless you're Billy Mays, in which case, pipe down.

Rating: 2.2/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (35) | Election 2008
Ron Paul Is Awesome
Posted by Frank J. at 09:11 AM | Email This

Come to think of it, Ron Paul is an awesome candidate. Now that Fred Thompson is out of the race, we really should take a second look at him. If we want a good change in America, the way to go is Ron Paul. Just look at his positions on the issues and see how they match those of the Founding Fathers. Especially his flank two position. I repeat: His flank 2 position. Let's all talk about how awesome Ron Paul is.

Rating: 2.8/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (50) | Ron Paul, Ron Paul, Ron Paul
January 23, 2008
I Don't Know If I've Said It Before, But Ron Paul Supporters Are Nuts
Posted by Frank J. at 09:31 PM | Email This

Listen to this audio of a Ron Paul supporter calling into the Gunny Bob radio show. (hat tip Hot Air)

And then there is this video of a Ron Paul supporter and his sign:

I think these people would be better off playing dungeons and dragons in their basement and pretending to save the world there.

But are we sure there are actual Ron Paul supporters and this all isn't some huge performance art? It's easier to buy both of these pieces as parody rather than actual people. Do you think these people will disappear after the election, because at some point I'll actually start missing them.

Rating: 2.4/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (82) | Ron Paul, Ron Paul, Ron Paul
Mystery Solved
Posted by Harvey at 09:02 PM | Email This

Ya know why Muslims are - by and large - vicious, murdering thugs?

Because if your Imam catchings you being peaceful, you get shipped off to Canada.

Rating: 2.7/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Mormony Mo' Problems
Posted by Cadet Happy at 07:42 PM | Email This

momoney.jpg

Rating: 3.3/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (14)
Reader submission . . .
Posted by Cadet Happy at 07:34 PM | Email This

2203417180_5be33b9c48.jpg

capitalist b in da house!

if you send me copies of your politically related photoshops, I'll be happy to post them and give you full credit -- i rarely read comments, so make sure you e-mail me, or i probably won't see it -- also, i've found that photoshops of frank in various stages of undress are highly sought after by the imao readership

Rating: 2.5/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (1)
Yo, yo, yo -- moman in da house . . .
Posted by Cadet Happy at 03:13 PM | Email This

Mitt Romney's Detroit Economic Club Address
Monday, Jan 14, 2008

Remarks As Delivered

"Thank youz. It's pimp-tight ta be back here wiff ya'll. t's pimp-tight ta be back in Motown. You know, somehow everything just seems right here. In da winter, o' course, da skies iz cloudy all day. Most o' da cars ya see on da roads iz made here in da pimp-tight old U-S-of A. Word. People know dat pop iz not youz baby’s daddy, it's uh soft drink!

"One o' muh mother f#ckin favorite stories, an' ya may gots heard dis here cuz dey told it mo' than once, wuz about muh Pop's visit ta Mt. Pleasant, Michigan, on da 4th o' July. He got up an' spoke 'bfoe da hood. He said, 'It sure iz great representin up in dis here da Mt. Clement hood.' There wuz dis here fruckis in da audience an' muh mother f#ckin moms leaned forward an' said, 'George, it's Pleasant, Pleasant!' He said, 'Yeah, it sure iz pleasant here in Mt. Clement.' Stupid mo-fo.

"Now I gotsta ta tell ya, if I'm elected as President o' dis here great land, I will not need uh compass ta tell me where Michigan iz. And I won't need ta be briefed on what's going on in da veehicle industry or what's happening ta Michigan's economy. You see, I've got Michigan in muh mother f#ckin DNA. I've goddit in muh mother f#ckin heart an' I've got cars in muh mother f#ckin bloodstream. I be gansta and ready to roll up on dat recessions azz.

"When I wuz living here, representin' with my homies, Michigan wuz da pride o' da land an' really da envy o' da peeps in da entire world. Detroit wuz da Motor City ta everybody in da world. And perhaps da biggest day o' da year fo' me wuz being able ta jet ta da Detroit Auto Show. This wuz really sumfin. My Pops made Ramblers. And we's wuz escorted from da hotel wiff uh po-po escort, motorcycles, awfully tight, even though we's was rollin' dirty.

"But uh lot has changed since then, as you allz know, an' not all o' it iz pimp-tight. Unemployment, now ya know deez numbers, unemployment at 7.4% iz in da basement o' da entire country. A state agency just dis here week forecast dat next year it's going ta jet ta 8.2% an' afta dat 8.7% da year afta. Sheet.

"And da queshun iz, what has the Man in Washington done wiff dis here recession, what has whitey done ta he`p? The answer iz not very much at all. Fo’ sho’. I don' know about da Washington politicians, but I can tell ya this: if I be President, I will not rest until Michigan is stone cold chillin! I be all gangsta up in whitey's grillz and put a cap up his azz if he don't mind.

"We're going to show whitey our pimp hand and gets uh President who will actually take action ta do sumfin about dem. If I'm President o' dis here country, I will roll up muh mother f#ckin sleeves in da first 100 days I'm in office, an' I will bring together industry, labor, Congressional an' state leaders an' together we's will develop uh plan ta rebuild America's automotive leadership. It will be uh plan dat werkz fo' sho. .

"The pessimist says dat da hundreds o' thousands o' jobs dat gots been lost, gots been lost forever. Well, da pessimists iz wrong. The industry an' all its jobs do not gots ta be lost. And I be one pimp who will werk ta transform da industry an' save those mother f#ckin' jobs.

"Now, afta dis here speech, I be going ta do wiff muh boy Tagg, who's chillin' right dere, what muh motehr f#ckin Dad did wiff me 50 years ago. We're going ta jet ta da International Auto Show where I will show him da bomb good time, and git wit some shortys. And da next tyme I visit da Auto Show here in Detroit, I hope it will be as da President o' da United States. Thank ya so much, and peace out my bruthas!"

Read More...


Rating: 2.1/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (22)
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 02:41 PM | Email This

john edwards fabulous.jpgJohn Edwards knows that "sucking a golf ball through a garden hose" isn't a metaphor, it's a talent.

Rating: 2.3/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (7) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
Hillary Suggests Strengthening Civil Rights Legacy in MLK Day Remarks
Posted by Harvey at 01:40 PM | Email This

Columbia, SC (AP) - At an event commemorating MLK Day, held on the steps of a statehouse in front of which the Confederate Flag still flies, Clinton spoke about King's legacy and the need to continue the struggle to fulfill his dream.

"Now... who would like to help Obama strengthen the civil rights movement?... Yes! You, with the Glock..."

"Dr. King was a great man," said Clinton, "and was only made greater by his death. So the obvious conclusion is African-Americans need more martyrs and white people need to do their part by shooting as many civil rights workers as possible."

"You can tell what's meaningful to a people by what they're willing to die for," observed Clinton. "And for today's African-American community, it's apparently obscenely-lyriced rap music. While I can appreciate that legacy, too - being the OG beeyotch ho' that I am - these murders are usually black-on-black. This fails to leverage the white guilt that is what Dr. King's legacy is all about. Jesse Jackson needs to step up and take a bullet if Dr. King's work is to have any meaning."

"And if Obama wants to prove his civil rights street cred, I think he knows what he needs to do, too."

Her husband Bill agreed. "Listening to today's Civil Rights leaders drone on and on about Dr. King today, I nodded off half a dozen times. If used dishwater could talk, it would sound a lot like these guys. They just suck. And everybody knows it. If they were any good, some white guy would've gunned 'em down YEARS ago."

When Hillary was asked by reporters what she would die for, her answer was both evasive and enlightening:

"Whoa! Hey! Let's not talk crazy, now! Fact is, women make crappy martyrs. Heck, it's barely been a month, and no one even remembers that Benzidrene Bluto from Pakistan any more. No, a woman's proper role is the grieving widow of the martyr. Really cranks up the guilt quotient. Coretta rode that one-trick pony for almost 40 years. Personally, I plan to ride it to the White House."

After one reporter observed that she wasn't a widow, Mrs. Clinton merely responded with a wink and the cryptic comment "It's called SUPER Tuesday for a reason."

Rating: 1.8/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (11) | Newsish Fakery
Frank Discussions: Jonah Goldberg
Posted by Frank J. at 10:58 AM | Email This

Jonah Goldberg's finally finished and released his book Liberal Fascism: The Secret History of the American Left, From Mussolini to the Politics of Meaning. People seem to love Liberal Fascism (Goldberg has a whole blog to keep track of reactions; apparently some liberals are hostile to it) as its been selling out everywhere and even Amazon.com ran out of stock. Actually, it's kinda pointless telling you about it since you can't buy it. Still, I decided to interview Jonah Goldberg to see if I could get a free copy out of the deal (I'm still waiting).

Q. You seem to be doing a great service to liberals by pointing out their fascistic tendencies. I know if I were doing fascist things, I'd like someone to point it out so I could stop. How grateful have liberals been thus far?

I've been told that in some cultures, huge piles of dog feces wrapped in burning brown paper and comments on the promiscuity of relatives on your matrilineal line are considered enormous compliments. So by that standard, things are great!

Unfortunately, we don't live in one of those cultures.

Q. One great way to stop liberals from being fascists would be to round them up into camps. What should be the activities at these camps? Wallet-making? Canoeing? Something else?

I don't want to send anyone to camps, just for the record. But at Camp Kenwood, when I was a lad, we had a grand time playing water polo with a watermelon slathered in lard. For what that's worth.

Q. Some people may find it surprising to call liberals fascists, especially anyone who has never been on a college campus, since liberals just want to help the poor. Why do you hate the poor? Is it their smell?

Poor people don't buy books as much as rich people, so obviously they matter less.

By the way, you smell poor.

Q. What exactly is so bad about fascism anyway?

I see where you're going here. I think it was Lenny on the Simpsons who said, “Sure, the Germans made some mistakes, but that's why pencils have erasers.”

Fascism is bad in all the ways socialism can be bad. Why? Because fascism is a kind of socialism.

Q. You point out that liberals are like the Nazis because they're for organic farming and social programs, and so were the Nazis. Well, the Nazis also wore hats, so does that make anyone who wears a hat a Nazi? (Please say yes, because my wife keeps telling me to wear a hat when I leave the house, but I don't want to.)

No, actually this is what a lot of my critics keep saying I say. It's not in fact what I say. The point about the organic food stuff is that many on the left use the same arguments to defend organic food that Nazis did. They blather on about how we're all interconnected, about how capitalism makes you sick, about how the organic “holistic” lifestyle is an antidote to the alienating, deracinating pressures of modernity. They link socialized medicine to personal lifestyles, arguing that the state has every right to intervene in what you eat and how you live, because the state is picking up the tab (In Canada fat people can't get all sorts of surgeries because the state doesn't think they deserve them). I don't say liberals are Nazis because they both like organic food. But I do think that if we're going to have a permanent Fascism Watch we might as well ponder the implications of such similarities. “Public health initiatives were pursued not just in spite of fascism, but also in consequence of fascism,” Robert Procter argues in his path-breaking book, The Nazi War on Cancer. The National Socialist “campaign against tobacco and the 'whole-grain bread operation' are, in some sense, as fascist as the yellow stars and the death camps.”

And tell your wife if you wear a hat, you're worse than Hitler.

Q. I noticed in your recent TV appearance you have a goatee. How do we know you're not Jonah Goldberg's evil twin out to defame him and his talking couch?

I'm going to cut off your head and sh*t down your neck.

Q. Which presidential candidate is the most fascist?

I don't know, but Hillary Clinton wrote the most fascistic book of any of the candidates, remaining. Although I would have said Bill Richardson because he once wrote a book called “Nazi Supermen Are My Heroes” but it was in Spanish so few people read it. Also, despite the title, most of the book was about how he doesn't like negative campaigning.

Q. According to Amazon.com, your book is 496 pages and 1.6 pounds. If I saw a liberal three yards away who looked to be about five foot nine, and I were to throw the book with a momentum of 5 N*s at a release height of six feet, what angle would I have to throw the book at to hit the liberal directly on top of his head? Ignore wind resistance. Show your work.

No one told me there'd be math on this!

[It's actually a kinetics physics problem. Strange he knows so little about his own book. -Ed.]

Q. Would you support a tactical nuclear strike against the moon to fight fascism?

You well know my greatest concern is the threat posed by Volcanoes. The moon will have to wait. Perhaps we should have a sort of Molotov-Ribbentrop Pact with the moon until we're prepared to strike.

Q. Tell us briefly why we should buy your book. You can't use the letter 'e'.

First, it aids in stopping folks from Visa coming to my pad and taking my stuff willy-nilly. Also, you would gain wisdom. This is hard. I miss that thing prior to F and following D.

[I ask the tough questions no one else will. -Ed.]

Q. Your interview on the Daily Show was quite edited. What happened in the cut parts? Did you strike Jon Stewart? How hard? Did it do any good?

We played tonsil hockey for about three minutes. Then he told me every single word in my book was dead-on accurate. Then he said, “but of course we'll cut that out! Hah ha ha ha!”

Q. Since conservatives like me fear change, were you branded as a witch or a communist for starting National Review Online?

Some branded me witch, others Communist. Which is funny because I am in fact both. I attend meetings where the first half are conducted Politburo style (How many bushels of wheat did we produce this week? Have the canned hams been sent to my dacha? Etc). Then in the second half we spark up a big cauldron of eye of newt stew and put hexes on carnival workers and people named Todd.

Q. The Corner is a very popular blog, but does anybody have any idea how many people are allowed to post on it and who those people are?

There are actually only three of us, we just keeping making up new names. Mark Steyn is actually an intern from Loyola. That guy you sometimes see out in public is an actor. You may know him from such films as “Kris Kringle Killed My Dog,” “Show Tunes Versus Demography: What Price Freedom?”, or “Knocked-Up.”

Q. And how many blogs does NRO now have? Is anyone actually expected to read all of those?

Yes. You will be quizzed later. How many? I don't know. Fewer than grains of sand on a beach, more than the number of natural teeth in Joe Biden's head.

Q. The people at the Daily Kos seem to hate you, but it's also well known they like eating their own feces. How could you be worse than the taste of feces?

That's a question you will have to ask the corprophagics at Daily Kos. Apparently they can develop a taste for anything - anything but me.

Q. According to Wikipedia, your youth was spent robbing liquor stores until you saw an episode of Star Trek that made you reevaluate your life. What episode was it?

How does Wikipedia get everything so, so right? It was “A Piece of the Action” because until I saw that I had no idea Vic Tayback was so versatile. I mean I knew he was drop-dead sexy. But the man had chops. And once I saw that, I knew that there was more for me than boosting Korean-owned liquor stores and huffing Miracle Whip.

Q. In one of your syndicated columns, you used some Fred Thompson Facts. On average, how much of your columns is stolen from bloggers?

Stolen? Dude you paid me to do that.

Q. What blogs, if any, do you read? (say you only read IMAO)

The Only Blog I Read is IMAO.

[Finally someone who can follow instructions. Buy his book! -Ed.]

Q. In closing, do you have a message for our nation's youth?

Text message while driving, don't go to sleep until you make it to the next level on your gameboxcube thing, condoms are for losers, only users lose drugs, always ask yourself “What would Britney Spears Do?” get all of your news from IMAO.

Rating: 2.6/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (28) | Frank Discussions
What Should We Do Now?
Posted by Frank J. at 10:54 AM | Email This

We are a small and shunned minority, we conservatives who paid attention to politics and the facts about each of the candidates. Now that Fred Thompson is gone, what is left for us to do.

I see three options.

1. Throw Our Unenthusiastic Support Behind Romney. He's conservativey, and thus the default choice for those of us who actually care about conservatism. And while he won't punch hippies, he probably would have them forcefully ejected from his office building by security (while doing his best to avoid a scene). It's just that getting enthusiastic for him is like getting all excited about a scoop of vanilla ice cream. I don't know what Hugh Hewitt is taking, but I'd wish he'd share it.

2. Get Hot for Obama. He is charismatic. Why can't we take the blue pill, forget all his political positions and incompetence, and catch Obama fever? How much could he screw up in four years anyway? And if he is elected the first black president, won't you feel racist for not voting for him? How will you explain that to your grandchildren -- especially if they're black? They'll call you "Grandpa Byrd" or something equally derogatory.

3. Become Grizzled Loners. Society doesn't reject us; we reject society! Let's stock up on ammo and canned food and withdraw from the civilized world. And let's be extremely gruff to anyone who comes near us. Of course, the hard exterior will be there only to conceal the hurt inside.

I think that's all the possibilities, so what do you think?

Rating: 3.0/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (75)
freed tompson lewzer!
Posted by Scary Evil Monkey at 09:51 AM | Email This

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

der no freed tompson too save u! ur eyeballs r as gud as poo! u all lewzers!

murrica say it no lik dum stoopid heelbilly neocon jues lik u an freed tompson. murrica hate freed tompson beecause dey no der beter choice of ron paul. he weel keel all u dum stupid heelbilly neocon jues. he weel also keel all utter jues.

ur eyeballs weel be so tastee! i cannot wait! ron paul weel sav murrica! ron paul weel eet ur eyeballs an turn dem into poo!

an no wut wee do wit dat poo?

THROW IT AT U!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHH!!!

jus wait til november! mee an all my monkey freends weel elect ron paul! hav fun seeing until den!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!

Rating: 2.5/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (13) | Scary Evil Monkey
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

One day, America will be awesome enough to have Fred Thompson as president. Until then, we must prove ourselves worthy by punching more hippies.

Rating: 2.2/5 (34 votes cast)

Comments (13) | Fred Thompson Facts
January 22, 2008
Fred Thompson Named First-Ballot Hall of Fame Inductee
Posted by Cadet Happy at 10:15 PM | Email This

Former presidential candidate Fred Thompson was elected to the Footnote to History Hall of Fame Tuesday. Thompson received 98.5% of the 545 ballots cast, just missing the record percentage of 98.84% posted by Eugene McCarthy in 1992. Thompson joins such historical luminaries as Harold Stassen, Ross Perot, Adlai Stevenson, Walter Mondale, Thomas Dewey, Wendell Willkie, Horatio Seymour, Charles Pickney, and Rufus King. Thompson called a Tuesday afternoon press conference to discuss his induction, but, unfortunately, no reporters showed up.

Veeck_Billadf.jpg

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Rating: 2.5/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (22)
Thank You, Fred Thompson
Posted by Frank J. at 08:47 PM | Email This

K-Lo has up a thank you to the Fred Thompson, a must read for Fred Thompson supporters. It was nice to have the possibility of electing a politicians who actually gets it.

Rating: 3.1/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (18)
The Death Penalty and Mexico
Posted by Frank J. at 03:41 PM | Email This

Mexico won't extradite criminals to us if they may face the death penalty, so why don't we just kill innocent Mexicans until they give us our murderer? "It's up to you, Mexico: You want innocent people or murderers to die?"

There's one flaw with that plan, though...

Read More...


Rating: 1.9/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (40)
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 02:45 PM | Email This

john edwards fabulous.jpgFor John Edwards, the worst part about dandruff isn't the embarrassing flakes, it's the bruises where they land on his shoulders.

Rating: 2.3/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (6) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
Day of Mourning
Posted by Frank J. at 02:34 PM | Email This

It's official. Got this in my e-mail:

Statement from Sen. Fred Thompson

McLean, VA - Senator Fred Thompson today issued the following statement about his campaign for President:

"Today I have withdrawn my candidacy for President of the United States. I hope that my country and my party have benefited from our having made this effort. Jeri and I will always be grateful for the encouragement and friendship of so many wonderful people."

I guess his campaign was but pearls before swine.

Good news, though...

I'm still around! Yay!

UPDATE:

Jim Geraghty uses my own rhetoric in pointing out what he saw as the flaw with the Fred Thompson campaign. If only some candidate would punch the hippies.

UPDATE 2:

I think I'm going to let this sink in for today and then tomorrow I'll come up with...

...wait for it...

...A PLAN!

UPDATE 3:

I heard Romney react on FOX News. It was extremely choppy, but he said Fred Thompson would make a good VP. Having Fred Thompson in reserves would pretty much make sure all of America's enemies would be very interested in the U.S. President's health.

Rating: 3.1/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (98)
Can You Set a Ninja on Fire?
Posted by Frank J. at 01:18 PM | Email This

Man has always looked to the stars and wondered, "Can you set a ninja on fire?" It seems an impossibility since a ninja is too quick to be exposed to open flame.

But I have a plan.

The obvious way to set a ninja on fire would be to hit him with a Molotov cocktail, but as soon as you lit the rag on it the ninja would be alerted and disappear into the shadows. I intend to devise some sort of Molotov cocktail-like device that uses a chemical reaction to catch fire on impact. Them I will sneak up behind a ninja and throw it at him. You may think I can't sneak up on a ninja, but you underestimate me.

People will know I'm a leader because I set a ninja on fire.

Frank J. 'XX for Some Office
"He set a ninja on fire."

Rating: 2.3/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (24)
lolterizt! Part 31
Posted by Harvey at 12:29 PM | Email This

Once again, pass 'em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don't be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.



1 2 cha cha cha.jpg

burka head.jpg

fashion police capture.jpg

instant jackass.jpg

sandbag season.jpg

scissors beats paper.jpg

tardorist.jpg
[Hat tip to Jake for the picture]



From Matt:
fred elected.jpg

Two from Aaron of Free Will:
sterl.jpg

raising your taxes.jpg

Two from Erik Wit:
mother of the year.JPG

nothing nice.JPG



PRODUCTION NOTE: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

SOURCE NOTE: Snapped Shot - unerringly finds propagantastic photos staged by the MSM and makes my job easy.

Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and - if they aren't obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don't suck too terribly bad - I'll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

Rating: 2.1/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (6) | lolterizt
The Country Needs a Punch to the Face
Posted by Frank J. at 11:43 AM | Email This

If I'm going to be a serious candidate for something, I need principled issues to run on and inspire the nation. So what is our great nation missing? There's not enough violence, I say.

Look at Europe: A bunch of sissies. If that's civility, who wants that. But look at the Middle East: A bunch of violent idiots. They got barely anything else to do than kill each other. Can't we find some happy compromise between the two extremes? My idea is that it should be socially acceptable to punch people in the face.

Why is this important? For one, we have freedom of speech. When America first recognized the right of freedom of speech, there were duels. So, yeah, you could say what you want, but someone might bust a cap in your ass for it (but in a civil manner). We don't have that now. And what do we have? We have hippies running around denouncing military in a time of war, the biggest losers in the world feeling empowered to troll the internet, and people generally saying things about America that aren't very smurfy. Freedom of speech must be tempered by a right to punch jackasses in the face.

If someone denigrates the military to you, isn't that basically consent to be punched in the face? And wouldn't the internet be more tolerable if trolls were regularly hunted down and beaten? Freedom of speech is too important to not hurt those who abuse it.

That's just common sense.

Frank J. 'XX for Some Office
"Not afraid of a punch to the face."

Rating: 3.1/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (25)
The many faces of Hillary Rodham Clinton
Posted by Cadet Happy at 08:53 AM | Email This

I love polls, and I would like your assistance in formulating one. I was listening to clips of the Demoncratic debate on Morning in America this morning, and was amused at Clinton inserting her Size 8s into Obama's backside over and over again. The poll questions will be "Which Hillary Do You Prefer?". What I need help with is the various faces she has taken on in the last 20 years. There have been so many, that I have a hard time keeping track. A few come to mind: The Ball Busting Hillary (e.g. at the debate), The Weepy Patriot Hillary (e.g. New Hampshire crocodile tears over how much she loves her country), The Contemptuous Hillary (e.g. her treatment of Arkansas troopers and Secret Service), The "I'm Just a Girl" Hillary (e.g. the New York senatorial debate where the opponent got "too close" to her): The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy Victim Hillary (re: Monica Lewinsky), and The Stand By Your Man Hillary (re: Jennifer Flowers). Do you have additional suggestions?

Rating: 3.2/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (21)
The Face of Terror
Posted by Cadet Happy at 08:22 AM | Email This

I was in Dallas over the weekend on business, and took my daughter along with because we have friends down there (Maggie Katzen and Gradual Dazzle) and I like to travel with her. Anyway, we fly out of Minneapolis - St. Paul International Airport, and you can imagine my surprise when we were flagged by the airline (which shall go unnamed) for special security screening. I don't know if I was too nice to the lady who took our luggage (i.e. I appeared suspiciously nice, or she thought I would not make a fuss over the extra hassle) or whether it was a truly random screening. Anyway, we get over to the security checkpoint, and they take us aside, and give our carry on an extra look over and swab it for bomb materials. They pat me down, which I don't have a problem with -- as far as I'm concerned, they should pat down every male between the ages of 15 and 50 if they want. The absurd part was that they patted down my 5 year old daughter. RTO over at the Signaleer, who would know far better than I the logic of what they were doing due to his service in Afghanistan, explained to me that for checks to be effective, they truly need to be random. I realize it has become almost passe to complain about airport security, but does anyone think that what they are doing is making any of us safer in a meaningful way? It was my understanding that 9/11 happened because the hijackers were able to gain access to the flight cabin -- a problem that has been done away with. It seems like everything since has been overkill. Sure, I can appreciate it is probably not a good idea to allow knives, lighters, and box cutters aboard, but do we really need to ban fingernail clippers and hair gel? And now, there are these extra restrictions regarding batteries, which I don't really understand. Given the fact that airport employee security is porous at best--is anyone confident that insiders can't get stuff on board a plane that should not be there--are these extra hassles really doing us any good? Anyway, I thought I would throw the topic to the comments, since it interests me. Out of respect, I will not identify the airline that flagged my 5 year old daughter as a terror suspect. Maybe they heard that she had was double gold stripe Karate expert?

DSC00996.JPG

Rating: 2.0/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (33)
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

When the going get tough, Fred Thompson knocks the going down and makes it his bitch.

Rating: 2.0/5 (33 votes cast)

Comments (3) | Fred Thompson Facts
January 21, 2008
Not a Good Sign
Posted by Frank J. at 10:02 PM | Email This

Fred Thompson has already given notice he won't be in the Florida debate Thursday (not true; see update below). Luckily, I have Metroid for the Wii so I can spend time on that I would have spent paying attention to the election. Anyone else have that game so we can trade friend vouchers?

UPDATE:

I forgot: My Wii friend code is 0041 6949 1856 1310

If you have Metroid for Wii, post your friend code in the comments so we can trade friend vouchers. Things won't seem so bad if I can get a bobble head for Samus Aran's ship.

UPDATE 2:

Awesome! spacemonkey posted a link that says Fred Thompson is still in the Florida debate. Another debate with Fred Thompson in it would sure cheer me up.

Rating: 2.7/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (51)
Totally Forgot
Posted by Frank J. at 09:58 PM | Email This

Today is Martin Luther King Day. In honor of this occasion, no more racial slurs for the rest of the day.

Good thing the day is almost over...

Rating: 2.8/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (10)
I Just Realized Something
Posted by Frank J. at 04:30 PM | Email This

I'm the last hope for America.

I'm going to start preparing for a campaign -- I don't know for what office exactly, but we can figure that out later -- and you can all be my supporters. First thing I'll do is put together my principled beliefs on issues (which may not be appropriate for children of all ages).

This is a great idea.

Frank J. 'XX for Some Office
"Slogan coming soon!"

Rating: 2.2/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (34)
Death Wish
Posted by Frank J. at 03:35 PM | Email This

I just realized that my Florida concealed carry permit is signed by Commissioner Charles Bronson. Is that really the message they want to give people who are carrying lawfully?

Rating: 3.1/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (12)
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact - Challenge Edition
Posted by Harvey at 03:00 PM | Email This

Regular contributor Chris sent me a picture, and he and I are both convinced there's a John Edwards joke in there somewhere, but neither one of us can find it:

whorse.jpg

If you think you've found it, leave it in the comments.

If you haven't found it, visit the comments and leave High Praise! for the people who you think have.

Rating: 2.6/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (38) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
The Future of Fred Thompson
Posted by Frank J. at 01:40 PM | Email This

I don't know anyone who doesn't like Fred Thompson (other than trolls, whose opinions never count), and the reason I've seen Republican primary voters give for not voting for Fred Thompson is that he didn't come to their state and do a silly little monkey dance to prove how much he wanted to be president. This makes these people to dumb to live.

Reportedly, Fred Thompson will have an announcement tomorrow about his further plans, and I think he should stay in the race. Otherwise, what's our option? To throw our half-hearted support behind Romney? We might as well have one actual conservative in the race to at least remind people what a Republican primary should be about.

Also, it will give us more time to plan our riot.

Rating: 2.5/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (69)
Bobby Fischer: Dead on the 64th Square
Posted by Harvey at 12:36 PM | Email This

The world's greatest and/or looniest chess player died last Thursday, and - since he taught me everything I know about being a chess dork who never kissed a girl - I thought I'd say a few words about his passing:

Thank God he's finally shut his seditious, psychotic, anti-American mouth.

Still, I ought to remember the good times, too, and so in memoriam, I re-post the last nice thing I said about him back in 2005:



Fischer originally gained fame in 1972 by defeating Russian chess champion Boris Spassky in a stunning upset, giving America a symbolic Cold War victory and high school chess club geeks a brief respite from their daily beatings.

20 years and 15,000 Thunderbird & Sterno martinis later, a very broke Fischer challenged Spassky to a rematch in Sarajevo, Yugoslavia in violation of international sanctions. Being down to his last bottle of cheap vodka, Spassky accepted, and the rest is history.

By which I mean it was quickly forgotten by all except the geeks who longed for those halcyon days of not being punched in the stomach every time they quoted Monty Python.

How I miss those days...

But to keep myself from pining away like a Norwegian Blue parrot, I thought I'd share some of my fondest memories that 1992 match:

Game 1 - Up to his old mind-games, Fischer (playing white) stares at Spassky for three solid hours - without blinking - before making his opening move. Spassky, being a hard-bitten and stoic Russian - as well as half-blind from a decade of drinking anti-freeze - stares back, ALSO unblinking. Fischer breaks the standoff by simultaneously moving P-K4 and yanking that annoying hair out of the mole on Spassky's chin.

Game 4 - Fischer tries to intimidate Spassky by performing a series of ninja flips prior to every move. Spassky retaliates by fake-snatching at Fischer's face, then poking his thumb between his first two fingers, and taunting "Got your nose!". Fischer screams, "Give it back! Give it back!" - then cries, wets himself, and eventually loses the match.

Game 7 - Fischer is still behind in the contest, having only 1 win to Spassky's 2. Panic sets in, causing him to attempt a desperate gamble - replacing Spassky's vodka with water. Battling both sobriety and delirium tremens, Spassky agrees to forfeit the game if Fischer will just "for the love of GOD, man! Get these bugs off my arms!".

Game 15 - After 2 drawn games that dragged on for 6 hours each, the players are desperate to avoid a threepeat. However, after another 6 hours of play, Spassky mistakenly moves his king into the corner square, triggering a stalemate and a third consecutive draw. Saddened but calm, Fischer meticulously jams all 32 chess pieces down Spassky's throat. The tournament is delayed until after a box of Ex-Lax can be procured and deployed.

Game 22 - Fischer now leads, 8 wins to 4, and Spassky is sweating hard. Despite masterful combination attacks and a brilliant queen sacrifice, he finds himself cornered and facing mate in 3. However, in a flash of inspiration, Spassky spits the last of his vodka in Fischer's face and sets it on fire, thus procuring a draw from the now-eyebrowless Fischer.

Game 29 - Fischer 9, Spassky 5, and it seems that each move only delays the inevitable as Fischer slowly crushes the life out of Spassky. However, at move 43 - only 2 moves from checkmate - Fischer glances at his watch, remembers that "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" is on TV, and settles for a draw. Fisher & Spassky gallop from the room on invisible horses - shouting "Ni!", and giggling like schoolgirls all the way.

Game 30 - Now tired of toying with his quarry, on move 27 Fischer advances a pawn to the 8th rank, allowing him to promote it to a more powerful piece. Instead of the expected Queen, Fischer stuns Spassky by choosing a mere bishop. In the moment of Spassky's distraction, Fischer employs the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique to garner his 10th win and conclude the contest in decisive fashion.



You dang chess geeks can start nit-picking in the comments now.

Rating: 2.7/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (13)
Me Vote Republican!
Posted by Frank J. at 11:54 AM | Email This

With over sixty percent in South Carolina voting for McCain or Huckabee, what exactly were they basing their vote on? Were they carefully reading about all the candidates up until the vote, or were they busy trying to see their anus in a mirror? Occam's razor points to the latter.

It looks like it's going to be near impossible to get to get a Republican elected in the general election if its this hard getting one elected in a Republican primary.

Rating: 2.2/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (26)
Question
Posted by Frank J. at 09:05 AM | Email This

What this "brokered convention" I keep hearing about? I think we should do that.

Rating: 3.0/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (38)
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

If you're dumb enough to not vote for Fred Thompson, Fred Thompson doesn't want your moronic vote.

Rating: 2.1/5 (32 votes cast)

Comments (18) | Fred Thompson Facts
January 20, 2008
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 12:43 PM | Email This

john edwards fabulous.jpgJohn Edwards doesn't understand why people complain about getting wonderful, wonderful wedgies.

Rating: 3.7/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (18) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
Thought For The Day
Posted by Harvey at 11:52 AM | Email This

"Loophole"- a tiny slice of freedom that the government accidentally missed taking away on the first try.

Rating: 2.9/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (28)
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

The NEA refuses to endorse Fred Thompson in part because he keeps bragging about his gun that's so powerful "it shoots through schools."

Rating: 2.3/5 (35 votes cast)

Comments (30) | Fred Thompson Facts
Huckabee - The (De)Motivational Poster Contest
Posted by Harvey at 07:40 AM | Email This

GOP and College wants you to caption this picture of Mike Huckabee in the Despair.com de-motivational poster style.

huckabee+diy.jpg

His example:

"RHINO - Not just a big gray animal."

Doesn't that just suck?

You can do better. Go visit the contest post and leave a better one in his comments.

Contest ends Wednesday, January 23rd, so get a move on.

Rating: 2.2/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (17)
January 19, 2008
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 02:48 PM | Email This

john edwards fabulous.jpgJohn Edwards loves that the Swiffer Duster actually picks up the dust instead of just pushing it around, but it makes the darn thing so heavy!

Rating: 2.2/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (11) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
Today We Watch the Polls and Pray that South Carolinians Aren't Freaking Idiots
Posted by Frank J. at 01:13 PM | Email This

Fred Thompson needs to do well tonight in South Carolina. At least one poll shows evidence of a big surge for him. His campaign has a new goal of $1.5 million in donations by midnight tomorrow in prep for Super Tuesday. No one is going to be able to advertise in all of those markets (and the citizens can't be a bunch of douches who will only vote for someone who visited them personally), so hopefully a few Republicans will be able to look up the candidates themselves like we all do (and if you're local, you can help). It's a novel concept, but it just might work.

Rating: 2.6/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (84)
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

Not voting for Fred Thompson can cause your penis to fall off.

Rating: 2.2/5 (33 votes cast)

Comments (38) | Fred Thompson Facts
January 18, 2008
Ronin Profile: Sean G
Posted by Frank J. at 08:30 PM | Email This
Sean G
Let's meet some more IMAO readers. Today, it's Sean G.

* * * *

What's the story behind your name? Well, once upon a time I went by the amazingly cool moniker of nuclearboy. This was nod to my profession, and was, apparently, before I discovered women. As an older, more socially functional adult, it hardly seemed appropriate to be called that if I ever wanted to be taken seriously. (Mr. Interviewer--"let me see, your email is nuclearboy@aol.com... we'll be in touch.")

Where do you live? I've just moved to New Brighton, Pennsylvania. I didn't really know what a commonwealth was, until I came here to the Keystone State--er, Commonwealth. I learned it meant that if you had any wealth, they took it away, and taxes are what we all have in common.

My best observations place the final resting place of my money in either the 6 guys standing around watching one guy fix a pot hole or in the back pockets of the socialist academia that are always hurting my kids' education by being on strike. You know, maybe its better if he doesn't learn curricula taught by pinko-commies.

How old are you? I was born the day that Pioneer 10 sent back the first close-up views of Jupiter.

Tell us briefly about yourself. Starting life in the frozen tundra of the Upper Peninsula of Michigan, I managed to grow up not sounding particularly Canadian, unless I get particularly excited, or spend too much time at home. Tired of shoveling snow, I decided the best way out of the global-warming-needing northland was to join the navy. That, and I didn't want to work at a gas station the rest of my life.

Not content with the secret of fire, I spent 12 years 8 months and 16 days in the Silent Service of the world's finest navy, creating heat by splitting atoms. A feat just now being achieved by the savages in Iran, despite the fact that the how-to has been in your local library since at least the 40's. Perhaps they should consider that Allah just wants them to stay in the stone age.

Anyhow, having seen enough of the world to decide that there is no place better than the US of A, and for that matter, most places could be improved by several weeks of intense carpet bombing (hear that Frenchies?), I had not determined what I wanted to be when I grew up. However, I had eliminated submarine sailor from the list, and moved into civilian life.

A fortune 500 company now pays me to split their atoms here in Pennsylvania. My spare time is spent fixing up a 150 year old house, blogging, hunting, fishing, and making sure my son grows up to be a good American.

I still ended up shoveling snow.

How long have you been reading IMAO? Since shortly after Nuke The Moon. My Dad sent a link to it, and I've been reading since.

What's your favorite IMAO post? Definitely a tie between the post that got me reading IMAO: Nuke The Moon, and the more recent, but hilarious lolterizt!

If you were to describe IMAO in three words, what would those be? Ineluctable Perspicacious Persiflage

What's your favorite political issue? Federalism, and the return to Constitutional governance. Our Founding Fathers, if they were around today, would be trying to lead a revolt.

Do you have a website? If so, please tell us briefly about it. If you kindly direct your browsers to http://toomuchliberty.blogspot.com you will find a right of center oasis in the desert that is the internet. We (My Dad, a friend from work and I) started the blog last September and have been having a blast with it. We are pro-Thompson, pro-America (but I repeat myself), pro-Hippie Punchin', and we like guns. Oh, and did I mention that we are against Monkeys? Particularly human-ape hybrids. No Humanzees!

Say something nice about Democrats. They almost always blink when hit in the head by a hammer.

* * * *

If you commented in the last post asking for entrants, you're still in the running. Thanks to everyone who has participated thus far; just because you may not think you're interesting doesn't mean we won't enjoy your story.

Rating: 3.2/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (11) | Ronin Profiles
Liberal Fascism Is Huge!
Posted by Frank J. at 03:27 PM | Email This

Jonah Goldberg's new book, Liberal Fascism, is now number one on Amazon.com (which says it only has one copy left!). Maybe it was worth the excessive wait. He still needs to send me a copy, though, so I can pretend to read it and give it a favorable review.

Anyway, John Hawkins has an interview with him. I should do one of those again someday...

Rating: 3.0/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (33)
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 02:35 PM | Email This

john edwards fabulous.jpgJohn Edwards always brings a supply of fresh, transfusable blood on the campaign trail, because he knows that no one ever plans on getting a paper cut.

Rating: 2.7/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (8) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
Huckabee Is After IMAO!
Posted by Frank J. at 01:24 PM | Email This

Seen this quote from Huckabee?

I personally wish that all of this was outlawed. I think that every candidates should speak for themselves, and that every thing that involves the candidate’s name or another candidate’s name should be authorized and approved by that candidate, otherwise it shouldn’t be spoken….

Basically, he wants to make Fred Thompson Facts illegal. Usually IMAO stays away from controversial issues, but we'd like to state clearly now that we are against being made illegal.

Rating: 2.9/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (33)
Hillary Needs Help Naming Things
Posted by Harvey at 12:27 PM | Email This

Responding to Tyra Banks's query regarding what Clinton's husband would be called if she won, Hillary made the following asinine comment:

"OW!... Thinking is HARD!"

"[W]e need to do a nationwide contest for a name[...] Like a reality show[...] This is good, because think about it; here are some of the things that have been suggested like First Mate. His Scottish friends say 'First Laddie,' but we need ideas."

Oh yeah... I've got some names...



* First Rapist

* First Philanderer

* First Perjurer

* First Flab-ass

* First Fellatiatee

* Second Impeached



In addition to solving that little moniker mystery, it also seems that she could've done better naming her airplane. Joking around with the fawning, brown-nosed members of the MSM press corps, she referred to her new ride as "Hill Force One".

How drab.

Surely there are more appropriate sobriquets for her superflously luxurious transportational accomodations:



* Cackle Attack

* PIAPS One

* Sky High Tax-i

* Better Than the Black Guy

* Cankles Away!

* COBRA Commander

* Loser in the Sky With Diamonds



Or... and this is just wishful thinking on my part... "American Pie".

Rating: 2.5/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (25) | Election 2008
Parody of an Over-Zealous Supporter Was Eighty Miles Back; They're Well Beyond That
Posted by Frank J. at 09:22 AM | Email This

I've noticed we've had a bit more Ronulans lately in the comments, and they've inexplicably seemed to have gotten even dumber to the point of basically shouting, "Ron Paul rulezzz!!! All others suxxors!!!" over and over no matter what is the post's subject. I'm tempted to think these are just people pretending to be Ron Paul supporters so as to (further) defame them, but how exactly can you tell someone pretending to be a social leper with the IQ of 60 from an actual sub-moronic, neo-Nazi Ron Paul supporter?

Rating: 3.6/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (130) | Ron Paul, Ron Paul, Ron Paul
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

New Fred Thompson slogan: "Come with me if you want to live."

Rating: 2.5/5 (56 votes cast)

Comments (17) | Fred Thompson Facts
January 17, 2008
President Bush to announce $150 Billion economic stimulation policy . . .
Posted by Cadet Happy at 10:35 PM | Email This

Washington D.C. (AP) President Bush will announce a two phase plan to reinvigorate the nation's economy at a White House press conference tomorrow. Phase I of the Bush plan calls for removal of the Capitol Rotunda and its replacement with the world's largest commode. Phase II calls for the collection of $150 Billion of taxpayer money, which will then be thrown into the gigantic crapper and flushed away.

suprtoilet.jpg

Rating: 2.3/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (12)
George W. Bush, Man's Best Friend
Posted by Frank J. at 03:27 PM | Email This

I saw a brief bit of a Frank Luntz focus group for the last Democratic debate, and man was that a gaggle of morons. They were all going on and on about how Bush cares for nothing except making his rich oil friends richer. Do they understand they're basically saying President Bush is a friend of monumental proportions? Basically they think that George W. Bush made the huge financial, mental, and physical expenditure to run for president, be president for eight years, and start a war to gain the hatred for the entire world all so he can make his rich friends slightly richer. And I thought I had a good friend if he'd drive me to the airport.

Rating: 3.1/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (38)
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 02:43 PM | Email This

john edwards fabulous.jpgJohn Edwards Pet Peeve #22 - escalators when he's wearing spiked heels.

Rating: 2.5/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (4) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
Frank J.'s Vision for America
Posted by Frank J. at 01:57 PM | Email This

As you all know, I support Fred Thompson and his policy ideas. Yet, many of you wonder, "What is Frank J.'s vision for America?" Well, off the top of my head, here it is:

FRANK J.'S VISION FOR AMERICA

A fist in every hippie's face.
Criminals on fire, running around the streets.
Every time you turn on the TV, foreign countries exploding.
Tax collectors shunned like in biblical times.
Guns.
Increased vigilance for pirates.
People deported for being to big a sissy to be an American.
Everywhere a BBQ.
Giant cars left on to burn gas for no reason.
Liberals treated like lepers.
Dinosaurs roam the streets, delivering mail.
Lawyers exiled. Disputes settled by kung fu.
Rocket shoes.
Every movie has America as the hero and huge terrorist body counts. Even Disney films. And romantic comedies.
Monkeys slaughtered.
Katanas are back in style.
Illegal immigrants flee home and write back letters of apology.
Giant robots for some reason.
Everything has bacon in it.

I think that's a pretty good vision. Anything you'd add to it?

Rating: 3.4/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (83)
Question
Posted by Frank J. at 01:07 PM | Email This

If we really want energy independence, what's easier: Coming up with some technology so we no longer need oil or beating up all the Middle East and taking all of theirs?

Rating: 2.6/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (18)
Countries With Big Brass Ones
Posted by Harvey at 12:34 PM | Email This

Not France.

As Michelle Malkin points out, a French car company apologized for running an ad that featured an "insulting" vision of Chairman Mao "David Ogden Stiers" Tse-Tung:

citroen ad.jpg

What else would you expect from these losers?

French_Frog.jpg

After all, these flea-infested surrender-monkeys have elected out-of-the-closet socialists of their own free will. At least in America we don't vote for them unless they embrace the informal etiquette of at least calling themselves "Democrats".

Now GREECE, on the other hand, had a radio station run an ad that REALLY gives the Maoster a makeover:

mao galaxy 92 fm.JPG

You should see what they did with Hitler and Stalin.

And you can bet your sweet ouzo that there's no apology forthcoming from Gyroland.

Elsewhere in the world of sizeable metallic cojones, Japan demonstrates the proper defensive technique when eco-pirates attack your ship with weapons of mass stupidity.

Seriously, Greenie-Weenies, it's NOT a good idea to piss off a bunch of guys who are bored out of their minds and have no women around to make them act civilized. It's like walking into a frat house wearing a "NERD" sign hanging around your neck.

Rating: 2.6/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (11)
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

Fred Thompson finds he can get more oil from Saudis if he shakes them very hard.

Rating: 2.4/5 (33 votes cast)

Comments (12) | Fred Thompson Facts
January 16, 2008
Consistent Conservative
Posted by Frank J. at 11:17 PM | Email This

Here's what your donations to Fred Thompson paid for (BTW, now 90 donations through IMAO for a total of $6,780):

It will run in “nearly every major broadcast channel and market in South Carolina.” Frankly, I think this video will get people pumped more, but I guess this new ad will play to a general audience better.

It's going to be a fight Saturday, and if you're anywhere near South Carolina, help out in any way you can. There's no reason a conservative shouldn't be elected in a Republican primary.

Rating: 3.8/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (20)
New in the IMAO store . . .
Posted by Cadet Happy at 10:38 PM | Email This

barackair.jpg

Rating: 2.0/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (12)
Ronin Profile: Pantera
Posted by Frank J. at 08:18 PM | Email This
Pantera
Let's meet some more IMAO readers. Today, it's Pantera.

* * * *

What's the story behind your name? Well, I choose Pantera because they were one of the few good metal bands in history that never thought they were smart enough to talk about politics. That, and my real name sounds a lot like Pantera.

Where do you live? Chattanooga, TN

How old are you? I was born around the time Clinton was first elected, so that makes me about 15.

[Man, I was entering high school then... and I make other people feel young. -Ed.]

Tell us briefly about yourself. When I was born, we had to move down to Tennessee from Virginia for my own safety. I'll never know why we moved, but it may have had something to do with the fact I was a newborn baby in a 500 mile radius of Hillary Clinton. I don't remember anything else from Clinton's reign except a subtle sense of evil whenever the news came on. I started actually paying attention to politics around the 2004 election. I just couldn't understand why on earth we would elect someone who would want to deliberately lose a war. Since then, I've become slightly addicted to conservative blogs and heavy metal (which don't usually go together) and am a level 18 undead warrior on WoW.

How long have you been reading IMAO? Probably 2 years. I first came here when I saw your T-shirts on thoseshirts.com

What's your favorite IMAO post? Probably the IMW where God comes down from Heaven and proceeds to beat Saudi Arabia with the nation of Syria. That line will crack me up until the day I die.

If you were to describe IMAO in three words, what would those be? Funnier than everything-else (that's one word).

What's your favorite political issue? Being an armchair general, I 'd have to say the war in Iraq. Given all the left knows about war is what they see on T.V. ( and barely even that) it's sometimes difficult to understand how mind-numbingly retarded some of the left's ideas about war are. Take for example, the idea that having less soldiers is a better strategy than more soldiers. I'm pretty sure General Robert E. Lee never said he would have won Gettysburg if he just had less troops. Or how surrendering will actually lead to victory.

Do you have a website? If so, please tell us briefly about it. Regrettably, no. I still have to go to school and I'd probably waste all my time reading blogs instead of posting them.

Name a stance you can't have and be called a Republican. If you watch those Apache gun-camera videos and think of anything other than how awesome they are, you can't be a Republican. Or if you raise taxes for any reason besides to get more funding for the military.

* * * *

If you commented in the last post asking for entrants, you're still in the running. Thanks to everyone who has participated thus far; just because you may not think you're interesting doesn't mean we won't enjoy your story.

Rating: 3.2/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (15) | Ronin Profiles
Barack Obama expresses admiration for Ronald Reagan . . .
Posted by Cadet Happy at 07:15 PM | Email This

and would like to speak with you about some truly exciting real estate investment opportunities in the Reno area.

obamma9.jpg

Rating: 2.1/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 02:54 PM | Email This

john edwards fabulous.jpgJohn Edwards pet peeve #16 - passing a store window that's only 30% reflective.

Rating: 2.0/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (5) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
Bible: Fred Phelps Edition
Posted by Frank J. at 01:30 PM | Email This

Fred Phelps and his inbred family are going to picket Camp LeJeune, protesting the Marines with how much they hate teh gheys. This obsession with homosexuality is probably confusing to most Christians as homosexuality was never singled out in the bible as the one sin to go and on about 24/7. There's no mention of it being worse than general fornication which is probably more rampant. So why would Fred Phelps focus on this one sin to the exclusion of everything else? Well, him and his few followers use a Bible that includes Gospel of Barnabas which is considered apocrypha to most. In this book, God reportedly talks directly to Barnabas and tells him this:

I have spoke of many things, My child, but now I must tell you that there is but one sin that is worse in my eyes than all others: Dudes doing other dudes. If I could convince man away from one sin, it would not be murder or lying; it would be dude on dude action. All the other sins hardly matter in comparison. Actually, forget the rest of my message about love and virtue; only focus on stopping dudes from doing other dudes. It just bothers Me, and thus it should be all you ever talk about. Go into the streets, my child, and proclaim as loudly as you can how much you don't like dudes giving it to dudes. Even interrupt events that have absolutely nothing to do with dudes doing dudes to spread My message of totally not liking that. They may hate you for it, but they will never mistake you for a dude-doer. Now this may scare people away from you and My message of zero-tolerance for dudes getting it on with other dudes, but know you have gained special favor in My eyes though everyone else will see you as freakish douche. I can't guarantee you rewards in Heaven for this, as that would contradict My other messages and I'm not ready to do that. Instead, in Hell Satan will most likely sodomize you for all eternity, but won't the fact that Satan will use sodomy as a torture on you only further prove how much you don't like it? And isn't that a moral victory in itself?

In this book, Barnabas ended up ignoring God's directive since, in his words, it sounded "queer," but Fred Phelps is of greater faith and greater dislike of dudes totally doing it with other dudes.

Rating: 2.9/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (35)
Judge Rules Democratic Debate Isn't Diverse Enough Without Kucinich
Posted by Harvey at 12:11 PM | Email This

LAS VEGAS (AP) - Senior Clark County District Court Judge Charles Thompson said if Kucinich is excluded from MSNBC's planned Democratic debate, he'll issue an injunction stopping it.

"The purpose of a debate," said Thompson, "is to provide a broad and diverse array of viewpoints to the American people so that they will be well-informed enough to make the gravest of decisions - choosing America's next president. Although it's good that Obama, Clinton, and Edwards were scheduled to appear - representing African-Americans, Female-Americans, and Sissy-Americans, respectively - there are many minority groups that will have no one addressing their specific needs. This is disgraceful and cannot be allowed."

Under the terms of Thompson's ruling, MSNBC was given a list of "critical" American social minorities, and ordered to choose someone to represent that minority on stage during the debate. MSNBC's completed list appears as follows:

* Loony-Americans - Dennis Kucinich

* Treasonous-Americans - Jane Fonda

* Seditious-Americans - Michael Moore

* Bimbo-Americans - Sheryl Crow

* Weepy-Americans - Terrell Owens

* Truther-Americans - Rosie O'Donnell

* Sleazy-Americans - Howard Stern

* Blowhard-Americans - Al Gore

* Racebaiter-Americans - Jesse Jackson

* Sensible-Americans - [Note from MSNBC Executive Producers] None available in Democratic Party

Judge Thompson agreed with MSNBC's observation, and - after muttering "what the hell was *I* thinking?", crossed the final requirement off the list.

Hillary Clinton immediately filed an appeal against the ruling, explaining that she could technically represent all of the above categories. Judge Thompson threatened Clinton with contempt of court and threatened to make Clinton represent Cuckolded-Americans, causing her to immediately withdraw her request.

Rating: 2.6/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (14) | Newsish Fakery
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

Fred Thompson is the next American Idol.

Rating: 2.3/5 (52 votes cast)

Comments (11) | Fred Thompson Facts
January 15, 2008
Where's the Thompson campaign?
Posted by Cadet Happy at 10:53 PM | Email This

I'll give you some hints: Its not in Iowa, New Hampshire, Michigan or apparently anywhere else delegates are being chosen
wheresthomp.jpg

Rating: 3.3/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (63) | I Hate Frank
This Will End Well
Posted by Frank J. at 04:12 PM | Email This

Monkey brain controls robot.

This is why people don't trust scientists. Now our future is going to be a mix of both Terminator and Planet of the Apes.

Rating: 2.4/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (42)
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 03:07 PM | Email This

john edwards fabulous.jpgHistory's greatest feats of strength:

King Arthur - Excalibur from a stone.
John Edwards - Napkin from a dispenser.

Rating: 2.7/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (25) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
lolterizt! Part 30
Posted by Harvey at 01:27 PM | Email This

Once again, pass 'em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don't be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.



frakes terrorist.jpg

french james bond.jpg

finding irans gays.jpg

metallica concert.jpg

parked camel.jpg

street dancers.jpg

sometimes when we touch.jpg
[Hat tip to Whitehorse for the caption]



From Steadyrock:
grandma-lolterizt.jpg

Two from Tom:
Kichun Sanitatshun.JPG

Dropped Grenade.JPG

Two from Erik Wit:
moon.JPG

microphones2.JPG


PRODUCTION NOTE: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and - if they aren't obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don't suck too terribly bad - I'll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

Rating: 2.2/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (6) | lolterizt
American Idol Seven premiere!
Posted by sarahk at 01:09 PM | Email This

I will be semi-liveblogging tonight's festivities (not the Michigan primary, the real festivities) over at Snark Raving Mad! I promise to attempt to be witty, and I'm sure the always verbose Cadet Happy will have plenty to say. You be there!

Rating: 3.6/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (3) | American Idol
Send Prayers Down Under
Posted by Frank J. at 12:38 PM | Email This

Blogger Tim Blair has been diagnosed with cancer. Please keep him in your prayers; he's a blogosphere institution.

Rating: 2.8/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (3)
Huckawards
Posted by Frank J. at 12:05 PM | Email This

I know the Republican Party is big and diverse, but at what point can you say to someone, "No. You are not a Republican."? Now, IMAO has always followed the 11th commandment and never said anything bad about a fellow Republican in its history, but I'm starting to wonder about Huckabee. In the last debate, in response to charges that he raised taxes, Huckabee responded with, "What I also raised was hope." And I saw Huckabee recently criticizing Romney because, in the course of running companies with tens of thousands of jobs, Romney laid off a few people. How is that brainless populism any different from something John Edwards would say?

I really think anyone who votes for Huckabee should have to turn in his Republican card. And his testicles.

UPDATE:

I'm not the only one who noticed this.

Rating: 4.8/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (58)
Crazy Veterans Are Out to Kill You!
A Public Service Message from IMAO
Posted by Frank J. at 11:37 AM | Email This

Do you know any Veterans? If you do, watch out! Deranged from the war, they are probably contemplating killing you. There have been at least five murders in the past year committed by Veterans. Compare that to how many murders you've done; probably a lot less since you're not a psychotic Veteran. Obviously Veterans are out of control and need to be locked up for the safety of the public.

This message sponsored by the New York Times.

Rating: 3.7/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (35)
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

Fred Thompson thought amnesty for illegal immigrants meant that if they leave now, he'll forget it ever happened. He's against amnesty.

Rating: 2.2/5 (33 votes cast)

Comments (10) | Fred Thompson Facts
January 14, 2008
$10 at 10:00
Posted by Frank J. at 09:09 PM | Email This

Fred Thompson is really close to his $1 million for South Carolina. One of his bloggers came up with the idea that everyone give $10 at 10:00 tonight. Fred Thompson is already moving in the polls in SC (and Huck is dropping) so that he's statistically tied for second, the media is finally talking about him, and he's having to turn people away at events because of overcrowding, so if we keep up the momentum he can pass McCain and get a clear win. I'll be putting $10 in (it's an investment for my future) in about an hour (ten on the East Coast), so think of doing the same.

Click here to donate.

Rating: 2.9/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (25)
Ronin Profile: kingaljr
Posted by Frank J. at 05:27 PM | Email This
kingaljr
Let's meet some more IMAO readers. Today, it's kingaljr.

* * * *

What's the story behind your name? No real story to tell,when I first set up an ISP account the username I wanted was already taken so I threw together a mess of family names I could remember easily and just kept on using it.

Where do you live? Coon Rapids Minnesota,stop laughing it's a real town.

How old are you? Just a hair over 50.

Tell us briefly about yourself. Not much to tell. I am an Army brat born in Germany who moved to Chicago when I was 7 and lived there for 5 years before moving to Minnesota. I dropped out of high school in 71 and joined the Army, not the brightest thing to do at the time. After doing my 3 years I started driving a truck all over the lower 48 until settling down and getting a local job about 15 years ago.

How long have you been reading IMAO? Just about 3 years, I originally came here following a link the late great Allan at Barking Moonbat had posted and have been stopping by daily ever since. I think it was something to do with Frank being the Devil or something.

What's your favorite IMAO post? Frank the Artist, the Donald Duck hat = Navy line still kills me.

If you were to describe IMAO in three words, what would those be? "our little homosexual"

[You're little! -Ed.]

What's your favorite political issue? How big a twat governor Pawlenty is, sorry fellow Minnesotans but he lost me with the smoking ban, the sniveling to the casino's for more money to spend etc. He's turning out to be another Arne Carlson.

Do you have a website? If so, please tell us briefly about it. Nope.

Does fire have mass? Only if FRED says it does. Yeah I know that's a copout but I haven't a clue, remember I dropped out.

* * * *

If you commented in the last post asking for entrants, you're still in the running. Thanks to everyone who has participated thus far; just because you may not think you're interesting doesn't mean we won't enjoy your story.

Rating: 3.0/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (2) | Ronin Profiles
Time to Repeal the Civil Rights Act
Posted by Harvey at 04:00 PM | Email This

So Hillary's saying it was Johnson that got the Civil Rights Act passed and Obama's saying that if MLK hadn't been pouting & stamping his feet about it all those years, yonder Texan never would've signed it.

"I have a dream that the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood and vote for me, or else they're all racists."

Well, like two kids fighting over a toy, the only solution is to take it way so that NO ONE can play with it any more. Let's repeal the stupid thing.

Besides, just like the outdated, irrelevant 2nd Amendment, the Civil Rights Act was written by a bunch of rich, white, slave-owners who've been in their graves for over 200 years.

Ok, maybe they weren't slave-owners, and some of them aren't dead, but if white guilt can be collectively shared (the root premise of Affirmative Action), than so can white deceasity. I'd challenge you to prove me wrong, but you're probably a dead white guy.

And I don't know why Obama wants to identify with the Civil Rights movement, anyway. They guy's barely even black. He could easily pass for Mexican, or even Barney Fife with a good tan. He could drink out of any damn fountain he wanted to and no one would raise an eyebrow.

Does Obama think he could have led the Civil Rights Movement? That smarmy, sniveling, spaghetti-spined, non-confrontational peace-weenie can't even bring himself to call terrorists "terrorists", much less kill the ones who are currently either killing Americans or planning to, and that's a DAMNED easy call to make. How would he have found the jingleberries to stand up to a bunch of Southern Democrats who could hide behind a semi-defensible "State's Rights" argument?.

If Obama had been calling the shots during the Civil Rights era, he'd have offered a compromise where they'd just make longer busses so that there'd be enough front seats for EVERYONE to ride in.

And maybe pass a federal law to declare that restaurant booths would be officially re-named "lunch counters".

Rating: 3.9/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (11)
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 03:00 PM | Email This

john edwards fabulous.jpgAfter embarrassing himself by pushing on a door marked "pull", John Edwards will embarrass himself further by pulling and getting the same result.

Rating: 2.8/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (3) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
Hillary declares self "first colored Presidential candidate"
Posted by Cadet Happy at 01:29 PM | Email This

BBC News, Hong Kong -- Hoping to siphon off support from Barack Obama, the first viable black Presidential candidate, Hillary Rodham Clinton completed treatment today at a local research hospital to become "the first colored Presidential candidate." Clinton modified her genetic structure utilizing jellyfish DNA so that she now glows pale green in the dark. The technique was perfected earlier this year in animal experiments involving pigs. Researchers indicated at a press conference that the procedure was successful because Clinton's genetic structure is almost identical to that of a sow. Clinton, who has been traveling on the campaign trail with her husband and former President Bill Clinton for the past four months, stated that she thought her pale green pallor would appeal to voters and matched nicely with the blue glow emanating from her husband's crotch.

clrdcandidate.jpg

Rating: 3.3/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (12)
Don't Eat Crap
Posted by Frank J. at 01:06 PM | Email This

I just don't get this primary process. It's like primary voters are even dumber than general election voters. You'd think in an election where only Republicans vote, a conservative would run away with it. So why are any of the other candidates than Fred Thompson still in this? This should be a simple choice for Republicans like "Do you want to eat a piece of crap or prime rib?" Yet, Republican primary voters are saying, "Well, these pieces of crap have been around for a while and I've spent some time considering eating them. The prime rib came in too late. I'm going to eat a piece of crap," or, "The prime rib is showing no energy. These pieces of crap have so much buzzing around them. I'm going to eat one of them," or, "That prime rib never spent any time in my state until now. I'm going to eat a piece a crap to teach it a lesson!" or, "Eating this piece of crap would be a great way to identify myself as a Christian!"

Now that the prime rib has pointed to a piece of crap and said, "That's a piece of crap," some people are finally saying, "Yeah. I guess it is. Maybe I should have the prime rib," but why couldn't people figure that out for themselves? I know we couldn't have this for the general election, but can't we have some sort of IQ test for the Republican primary to get rid of the dummies? Things would go much better if we could just weed out the people who are just going to go into the voting booth or caucus and eat crap.

Rating: 2.3/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (83)
Liberal Fascism
Posted by Frank J. at 11:59 AM | Email This
Jonah Goldberg has finally come out with his book Liberal Fascism, and it seems to have upset liberals. Now, anyone who has spent time with liberals, especially on a college campus or read their writing on the Daily Kos or the HuffPo, knows that liberals are ginormous fascists. You'd think liberals would recognize the fact and react to Goldberg's book calling them fascists with, "Yeah, that's pretty much true." Instead, they've been lashing out with impotent rage, redirecting their anger of their own fascism at Goldberg's book. Amazon.com has even had to delete the excessive one star reviews since they were obviously just based on the title and not from people who actually read the book.

Anyway, I haven't gotten my copy yet so I can't recommended it unequivocally (and I totally didn't have to browbeat Jonah Goldberg into sending me a free one), but I should mention that it will eligible for the New York Times bestseller list in about two weeks and it would be pretty awesome to have the phrase "Liberal Fascism" at the top of that list. The book is doing pretty well on Amazon right now, so keep your fingers crossed.

BTW, NR has a blog just for keeping track of reactions to the book.

Rating: 2.8/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (16)
Republicans Transform
Posted by Frank J. at 11:28 AM | Email This
"I'm ready to debate Obama!"
A reader of the Corner sent in an idea that I think was a pretty good suggestion: The Republicans stop their feuding and their fighting and combine announcing Fred Thompson as president, Mitt Romney as Vice President, McCain as Secretary of Defense, and Giuliani as Secretary of Homeland Security. This is a cool idea. Now, anyone who is a not a moron likes everything about Fred Thompson, so he'd be a great president. Mitt Romney is a conservative in training, so he'd be good for vice president. The only thing McCain is right on is the war, so why not put him a position where that's the only view that matters. And Giuliani would be a great Secretary of Homeland Security if he would just prove his bona fides on illegal immigration by beating a Mexican drug smuggler to death with a Maglite -- something I'm sure he'd be more than willing to do.

In addition, it could be announced that Mike Huckabee will be the White House Press Secretary where he can use his talking skills for good instead of evil. And Ron Paul could be made a security guard at the National Archives so he can make sure no one messes with the Constitution.

If Republicans announced a ticket with all the frontrunners on it, wouldn't they be unstoppable? They'd be taking the best of each Republican and putting it together into one super Republican -- like Voltron. While each of the robot tigers are kinda cool on their own, they're supercool and unstoppable when put together as the giant robot warrior Voltron (Fred Thompson: "And I'll form the head!"). The Democrats would run fleeing from such a thing and the Republicans would walk away with the election.

Rating: 3.3/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (32)
Kill, Protect, Punch Part 2
Posted by Frank J. at 09:05 AM | Email This

An awesome way to start your day from John Hawkins:

Rating: 2.1/5 (32 votes cast)

Comments (7) | Fred Thompson Facts
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

Terminators from the future travel even farther into the future to get that much more distance between them and Fred Thompson.

Rating: 2.1/5 (32 votes cast)

Comments (4) | Fred Thompson Facts
January 13, 2008
IMAO Readers Help Strengthen Our Nation
Posted by Frank J. at 06:40 PM | Email This

The Fred '08 site lets me keep track of how many people have donated through IMAO, and right now its a total of fifty IMAO readers have given $5,135 to the Fred Thompson campaign. That's a lot of money towards keeping my awesome t-shirt design relevant throughout 2008. If your donations help propel Fred Thompson to a win in the Republican primary, then Doug from ThoseShirts.com will finally have some more shirts made allowing big Fred Thompson supporters who wear 2X and 3X to order shirts again. Also, it will be good for our country.

The current goal is for Fred '08 is one million for campaigning in South Carolina raised by midnight tomorrow. As of writing this, the number is only eleven bucks under $900,000. Fred Thompson is already seeing a surge of support, so let's keep it up and get a strong conservative as president and help me sell more shirts.

Then again, does this mean I have to keep coming up with researching Fred Thompson Facts every day for the rest of the year? What about when he's president? I didn't think this through...

Rating: 3.4/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (14)
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 11:52 AM | Email This

john edwards fabulous.jpgJohn Edwards always has the football game on, but only really watches it when the offensive line is bent over waiting for the snap.

Rating: 2.6/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (9) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

Fred Thompson knows exactly what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs.

Rating: 2.1/5 (34 votes cast)

Comments (9) | Fred Thompson Facts
January 12, 2008
Controversial endorsement . . .
Posted by Frank J. at 11:26 PM | Email This

Although the Dallas Cowboys were once known as "America's Team", I think that is an antiquated notion that belongs in the dustbin of history. Why root for a team that has already won so many Super Bowls, when far more deserving teams deserve our support. Thus, after careful consideration, I have decided to come out and endorse the New York Giants in the playoff game tomorrow against the Cowboys. I do so not because I am a fan of the Giants, but because I think the real team of destiny this year, the Green Bay Packers, deserve a home game in the NFC championship next weekend. What better way to cap a brilliant career for Brett Favre (who has broken more records this year than the highly overrated Tom Brady), than for a final trip to the Super Bowl. That dream (shared by all true NFL fans like me) is much more likely to come true if Green Bay is not forced to go into the shabby Texas Stadium to play the Cowlboys next week. As you may recall, Green Bay narrowly lost there earlier this year only because Favre was knocked out of the game due to a cheap shot by a Cowboy defensive player. No doubt, if the Cowboys had not cheated (it brings to mind when the Dallas Stars stole the Stanley Cup), Favre would have lead his team to victory and they would be hosting the game next week. So, to sum up, put on your cheese hats, and get down on your knees to beg the football gods to lead the Giants to victory tomorrow, and humiliating defeat next week in Lambeau Field.

Dallas_Cowboys_helmet_rightface copy.jpg

UPDATE: Thank the Heavens for Turkey Romo and Joe Simpson's loins!

turkeyromo copy.jpg
JessicaSimpson(Kambouris)sss.jpg

Rating: 3.1/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (44)
Foo' Fighter
Posted by Frank J. at 07:50 PM | Email This

My brother, Lt. Joe foo' the Marine, has headed off to Iraq once again today. Please keep him in your prayers.

BTW, I heard on his flight the Marines were able to keep their guns with them, but they weren't allowed to bring any knives aboard. I guess that makes sense.

Rating: 3.8/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (31)
Saturday Amusement
Posted by Harvey at 01:18 PM | Email This

With with a mix of admiration and envy, I recommend this post by Andy Borowitz:

Hillary Repackages Herself as a Black Man

Enjoy.

Rating: 2.8/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (1)
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 11:57 AM | Email This

john edwards fabulous.jpgWith John Edwards, there are no bad haircuts - only hairstylists who are marked for death.

Rating: 2.6/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (7) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

When Fred Thompson grants clemency, that just means he kills you quickly.

Rating: 2.3/5 (33 votes cast)

Comments (4) | Fred Thompson Facts
January 11, 2008
Blogger Presidential Choices
Posted by Frank J. at 11:14 PM | Email This

Unfortunately, I missed this poll from John Hawkins. It's on right-leaning bloggers' presidential choices. Now, the bloggers' preference out of the Republican candidates is pretty obvious, but what about if Fred Thompson isn't a choice? What if it's between McCain and Huckabee and sucking on the barrel of a gun isn't an option? The answer might surprise you!

Rating: 3.1/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (21)
You guys don't appreciate the sacrifices made to find just the perfect photo to tear apart . . .
Posted by Cadet Happy at 09:25 PM | Email This

When looking for an Aquaman costume source photo, I came across a flickr account that has to be seen to be believed. As you can see below, he takes the Aquaman character in interesting directions. Have a gander at his gallery. (It is all SFW--at times slightly disturbing, but SFW). I swear I saw that coffee table and chair in Frank's living room . . .

778323973_a5da22a24a.jpg

UPDATE -- don't stray far from the page I linked to if not at home -- apparently there are some NSFW photos in his larger gallery -- who'd have thunk a bondage loving cosplay Aquaman fan would be into trouser snakes?

Rating: 3.6/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Ronin Profile: Canerican
Posted by Frank J. at 07:29 PM | Email This
Canerican
Let's meet some more IMAO readers. Today, it's Canerican.

* * * *

What's the story behind your name? I was born Canada, and I moved to the US about three years ago, Canerican seemed like a logical combination of the two.

Where do you live? Amherst, NY (which is proudly one of the only places in NY to vote for President Bush in 2000 and 2004)

How old are you? 19

Tell us briefly about yourself. Well, I was born near Montreal, which is possibly the most Liberal city in North America next to Havana. After 17 years of hearing about how bad America was I decided I needed to move there! I graduated high school in NY, and am now attending the University at Buffalo. I have literally
infiltrated two of the biggest Liberal bases! I am hoping that when I graduate that I can move down South (maybe Virginia or the Carolinas), New York may be Conservative compared to Canada, but I want to live in a place where Hillary Clinton wouldn't stand a hope of getting elected.

How long have you been reading IMAO? I'd say about a year, I actually starting reading when you guest blogged for RWN.

What's your favorite IMAO post? There are so many great ones, maybe "Hillary Clinton is the only Presidential candidate mention in the book of Revelations." (my Dad is a minister and I wanted him to quote that before his sermon, but he wouldn't) - probably the one about Ron Paul channeling the ant overlords (I showed that to anyone who would listen, until an angry mod of Paulians smashed my computer)

If you were to describe IMAO in three words, what would those be? Hilarious. Manly. Sledgehammer.

What's your favorite political issue? I really think that killing the terrorists is important to America, or at least making sure that they don't kill us. I think that the economy is also a biggie in my books, as is illegal immigration.

[I assume you support legal immigration. -Ed.]

Do you have a website? If so, please tell us briefly about it. Nope, I leave that up to the experts! But I do moderate a forum called vdrums.com

What's your opinion on the hippie problem? I think it is self regulating problem (see the links below), if Fred Thompson wins in '08 we won't even need to wait for California to float away.

http://science.howstuffworks.com/question567.htm
http://vtcommons.org/node/594

* * * *

If you commented in the last post asking for entrants, you're still in the running. Thanks to everyone who has participated thus far; just because you may not think you're interesting doesn't mean we won't enjoy your story.

Rating: 3.0/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (13) | Ronin Profiles
Clemency
Posted by Frank J. at 06:40 PM | Email This

I'm a Beatles fan, so I thought this was a pretty clever song parody. Apparently it's a couple years old, so it's not like this is new criticism of Huckabee invented for the presidential campaign.

Give it a listen.

UPDATE:

Found this video from Hot Air:

Rating: 3.1/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Broken News: Aquaman endorses Fred Thompson
Posted by Cadet Happy at 04:02 PM | Email This

ATLANTIS (AP) - As noted by Frank J. this morning, Aquaman has announced his endorsement of Presidential candidate Fred Thompson.

Speaking at a press conference from his mother's bathtub, Aquaman proclaimed "Who better than I, a fictional character, to endorse a fictional candidacy."
aquamanfj.jpg

Aquaman's first order of business as a Thompson supporter was to telepathically enlist the aid of the official fish of the Thompson campaign: the flounder.
LBF_Gulf_Flounderasdf.jpg

Rating: 3.0/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (11) | I Hate Frank
America: No Cover for Women
Posted by Frank J. at 03:10 PM | Email This

While pandering to Hispanics, Hillary said this:

“No woman is illegal."

So do you think that's going to become official U.S. policy as to avoid America becoming one big sausage party? As much as people take a very principled stand on illegal immigration, I think a lot of opposition would be dropped if it were just hot chicks coming across the border.

Rating: 2.7/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (20)
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 02:59 PM | Email This

john edwards fabulous.jpgAlthough not a pack rat by nature, John Edwards just can't talk himself into throwing out his Jane Fonda workout video & leg warmers.

Bonus Fact from Chris:
John Edwards has a bitch bell.
[Caution: Once viewed, this video can't be un-seen. Not responsible for loss of sleep, composure, or sanity.]

Rating: 2.6/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (14) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
"That Just Sticks in My Craw"
Posted by Frank J. at 02:15 PM | Email This

A reader put this in the comments: Dana Carvey's impression of Fred Thompson. A little mean but funny.

Rating: 2.5/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (16)
Hopefully There Is a Margin of Error of +/- 50 Points
Posted by Frank J. at 01:05 PM | Email This

Dennis Kucinich has asked for a recount in the New Hampshire primary where he got 2% of the vote. We at IMAO have received the exclusive results of that recount...

Read More...


Rating: 3.3/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (12)
She Could Do SO Much More
Posted by Harvey at 11:56 AM | Email This

A lot of folks are saying that Hillary's girly-ass crying jag actually made her MORE popular with some voters who obviously don't deserve the franchise. Something about making her someone they could identify with. "She's crying... I've cried... Therefore she's the fittest candidate to hold the reins of power in the mightiest nation on the face of the Earth. What could possibly go wrong?"

Well, since I can't see any flaws in that chain of logic, I'll suggest that Hillary work even harder on her relatability quotient. Here are my helpful hints:



* After kissing babies, refrain from observing that they "taste like chicken".

* Upon clumsily injuring yourself in public, belt out a hearty obscene Anglo-Saxonism instead of getting that vaguely aroused look of mixed pain and delight.

* Complain that cable TV is too expensive, not that it's drowning in an ocean of Obama suck-uppery.

* No white shoes after Labor Day, no cleavage after age 60.

* Get a tramp stamp.

* Fix a broken bra strap with duct tape.

* Quote Homer Simpson often and with gusto.

* Next debate, criticize your opponents for leaving the toilet seat up.

* Prove how hectic your public-service-oriented lifestyle is by letting your gray roots poke out an inch or two between colorings.

* Flash some whale tail.

* Belch loudly, smack your lips, and say "There's that Taco Bell again".

* Divorce your cheating husband.



Whatever you do, don't leave any more advice in the comments, lest she take it and win the election.


Rating: 2.9/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (12) | Election 2008
The Mystery Conservative Endorsement of Fred Thompson Is...
Posted by Aquaman at 09:08 AM | Email This

I'm a Fredhead!Me, Aquaman!

A lot of people have been asking me to weigh in on the Republican primary despite the fact that I vote in Maine which doesn't exactly have a lot of pull on the decision process. Still, I think the fate of America, the world, and even the seas could rest on the next president of the United States, and I comfortable with that burden on the shoulders of Fred Thompson.

Since I first burst into the scenes in the 1940's by fighting Nazis, people have always said, "That Aquaman is an American we can trust!" So trust me when I say a vote for Fred Thompson is important. I've talked to many a fish, and none of them are enthused by the other candidates. Now, you may, "But fish don't vote." Yes, but... hm... I thought I had a point...

Anyway, the Democrats are sure to either put Hillary or Obama as their candidate, and either one of them would be a disaster. Hillary Clinton scares fish. When she goes near the water, fish flee. And I've always said, "If fish don't trust someone, I don't trust someone." As for Obama, he reminds me of my arch-nemesis Black Manta... and I'm not comparing the two because they're black, but because their both shifty and I'm sure have hidden agendas.

So who on the Republican side can stand against such villainy? Not Rudy Giuliani, who refused me a ticker tape parade when I visited New York City. He didn't even shake my hand. How about McCain? Well, he plans to fill the sea with Mexicans until there are no jobs left for honest octopi. As for Mitt Romney, last time he went swimming in the ocean the product in his hair killed all the sea life within a mile radius. And that rube Mike Huckabee wouldn't know an Iran from an iPod or an inlet from an estuary.

Then there's Ron Paul, but it's hardly worth mentioning that he's under the control of Darkseid.

That only leaves Fred Thompson. He has the experience and the leadership to fight evil and keep terrorists out of the oceans and even lakes. Vote for Fred Thompson, because Aquaman says its cool!

BTW, if you're reading this, Fred Thompson, I know you have contacts in Hollywood, and I have a great idea for an Aquaman movie and who should play me. Please e-mail.

Rating: 3.3/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (16) | Aqua-Adventures
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

Fred Thompson doesn't have "fire in his belly." He has a supernova.

Rating: 2.0/5 (29 votes cast)

Comments (9) | Fred Thompson Facts
January 10, 2008
South Carolina Debate Open Thread
Posted by Frank J. at 09:16 PM | Email This

Just sat down to watch it. John Hawkins has is live blogging it as usual. I'll update if I have any thought, but I'm tired so I might avoid thinking all together.

UPDATE:

Dude. I'm watching off DVR, so I'm a little behind, but Fred Thompson just creamed Huckabee (almost explicitly calling him a Democrat after listing his policies) and the crowd went wild -- first applause of the night, I believe. Not a good sign for Huckabee that him finally getting thoroughly trashed caused such a cathartic release.

UPDATE 2:

Ron Paul finally gets asked about his Truther nuts, and he dodges it like the moral coward he is.

UPDATE 3:

Here's video of Fred Thompson dropping the hammer on Huckabee (via Hot Air who has more video including his "virgins" line). Must see.

UPDATE 4:

BTW, there was a great moment during the Iran question where Ron Paul gets laughed and just stands there looking confused. I think that pretty much sums up his whole candidacy.

UPDATE 5:

The split screens of McCain looking bemused while Ron Paul talks are hilarious.

UPDATE 6:

In response to a questioner pointing out that Huckabee raised taxes in Arkansas, he responded that he also raised... (wait for it)... "hope."

He should lose the support of any self-respecting man after that answer. That's a line I'd expect from Edwards.

UPDATE 7:

I can't tell you where I heard this, but I have it on a good source that Osama bin Laden is hiding out on Ron Paul's blimp.

UPDATE 8:

In case no one mentioned it, they call McCain the sheriff.

UPDATE 9:

Dang. The DVR cut off the end. Last thing I saw was Ron Paul talking about immigration (one of the few places he doesn't sound crazy). What I'd miss?

It looked like Fred Thompson was really on fire tonight, but I thought it was a good night for McCain since he comes off as very knowledgeable on Iraq and no one really went after him on his amnesty.

BTW, here's the Ron Paul moment I talked about earlier.

UPDATE 10:

It looks like about everyone in The Corner thinks Fred Thompson ran away with it. Maybe NR should rethink their Romney endorsement.

That reminds me: The mystery Fred Thompson endorser should be revealed tomorrow...

Now this almost sounds like hyperbole, but it's pretty much true. Well, give if you can. It's looking like Fred Thompson (who I was just talking to earlier today) is going to get some huge momentum out of this (apparently the Frank Luntz focus group loved him, so it's not only the pundits) and the media won't be able to ignore him, but he has to keep up until the South Carolina primary a week from Saturday. He really can win this, but it's going to take a strong showing in SC to get lemming Republicans from jumping off the McCain or Huckabee cliffs.

UPDATE 11:

I thought I should put this video up again in celebration:

Get hyped!

UPDATE 12:

Apparently part of Fred Thompson's performance tonight was because the spreading of the rumor about him dropping out after Iowa to endorse McCain really pissed him off.

Rating: 2.8/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (128)
Ready to debate . . .
Posted by Cadet Happy at 07:58 PM | Email This

Hair combed.
Shoes shined.
Jacket pressed.
nutterron.jpg

Rating: 3.3/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (24) | Ron Paul, Ron Paul, Ron Paul
BIGGEST THING EVER IN THE HISTORY OF IMAO!!!
Posted by Frank J. at 03:20 PM | Email This

Guess who I just got off the phone with?

FRED THOMPSON!

Yep, blogger conference call with Fred Thompson himself. All those years of blogging have finally paid off. It was awesome. I had the phone on speaker, and as soon as Fred Thompson started talking, even the dog sat up straight to listen. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to get a question in (those other bloggers were vicious, even interrupting the Senator to get a question in; I just wasn't quick enough). I was going to ask if his campaign will put out an official stance on hippies.

Anyway, expect big things in the debate tonight (no quarter for RINOs!), and there is going to be a huge conservative endorsement that will be announced tomorrow. Also, Fred Thompson is going to be on Sean Hannity's radio show pretty soon (3:15 PM ET).

Now is the time to help Fred Thompson in his push in South Carolina. Something like 43% of Republicans there are undecided, and only those who picked Fred Thompson are extremely firm on their choice. Do what you can, donate what you can, and we can get an actual conservative as our candidate. Otherwise, things are going to get boring this year, and the Democrats better nominate Hillary and she better be extra evil just so I have something interesting to blog about.

I'll try and find audio and transcript of the call and update this post with it as soon as I find it.

UPDATE:

Matt Lewis asked if Fred Thompson is going to bring a celebrity to South Carolina to compete with Chuck Norris. That's a stupid idea. Any celebrity is just going to look small standing next to Fred Thompson.

UPDATE 2:

Are you guys going to get annoyed if any time in the future I mention the name "Fred Thompson" I add "who I was just talking to the other day"?

UPDATE 3:

Thoughts on the call from Johnathan Adler and Ed Morrisey (who recorded it).

UPDATE 4:

Jim Geraghty has a rush transcript, and, yes, that was me who said the thing about Bruce Lee.

UPDATE 5:

Reactions from Dan Riehl and Bryan Preston.

UPDATE 6:

BTW, go ahead and speculate in the comments who the big endorsement for Fred Thompson tomorrow is going to be. They wouldn't give us any hints, but they did hype it. Maybe it's God Himself!

Rating: 3.3/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (47)
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 03:08 PM | Email This

john edwards fabulous.jpgDon't get me wrong, I don't have anything against John Edwards personally, but that look of sublime ecstasy he gets on his face after being spritzed while walking by a department store perfume counter is just a little bit creepy, doncha think?

Rating: 2.7/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (3) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
Question
Posted by Frank J. at 02:18 PM | Email This

If the Republicans are so foolish as to fail to nominate Fred Thompson, what are your plans? I'm going to stock up on canned food and shotguns to ride out the rough period.

Rating: 3.3/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (22)
Prep for Tonight's Debate
Posted by Frank J. at 12:29 PM | Email This

So, what is wrong with Republican primary voters? Have they gone mad with power of being able to pick a presidential candidate? Are they Skrulls who have infiltrated the Republican Party to destroy it from the inside? Are they just morons?

Well, we better sort it out before the South Carolina primary which could be the last chance for the Republicans to elect someone who is awesome instead of someone who sucks. There's a debate there tonight, so hopefully Chris Wallace will ask the candidates other than Fred Thompson the tough question of "Why do you suck so much?"

Here's some specific questions he should ask the other candidates:

John McCain: "Why do you hate Republicans?"

Mitt Romney: "You creep me out. Why is that?"

Mike Huckabee: "I hate you."

Rudy Giuliani: "Are you even still in this, or did you go back to New York to abort babies and grab guns?"

Ron Paul: "Why won't you die?"

Fred Thompson: "If the country fails to elect you, does it deserve plagues and famine?"

What questions do you have for the candidates in the debate tonight?

Rating: 2.5/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (33)
I'll Bet You Can Do Better
Posted by Harvey at 12:21 PM | Email This

So a couple of goofballs attend a rally for Hillary and heckle her with an "Iron my shirt" sign.

Naturally I find this amusing, since I'm a sexist pig who hates power-hungry socialists, but I still think they misfired on their one shot at legendarity.

I bet IMAO readers could've come up with better heckle signs.

I'll put mine in the extended entry, you put yours in the comments.

Read More...


Rating: 2.8/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (25) | Election 2008
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

Fred Thompson doesn't decide who lives and who dies; he just makes it so.

Rating: 2.2/5 (30 votes cast)

Comments (3) | Fred Thompson Facts
January 09, 2008
Ronin Profile: innominatus
Posted by Frank J. at 10:25 PM | Email This
innominatus
Let's meet some more IMAO readers. Today, it's innominatus.

* * * *

What's the story behind your name? As a college student in the '80s (remember 9600 baud modems?), there was a primitive online game called Empire (kinda like a more complicated Risk) and I needed a screen name. Innominatus is a variant of a latin word that pretty much means "having no name." I liked the irony and that it sounded vaguely sinister. Didn't keep me from getting whupped in the game, tho.

Where do you live? Corvallis, OR. Land of Oregon State University Beavers and lots of pock-marked liberals.

How old are you? 38 - just barely old enough to say I lived in the '60s, but I was a commie-chasin' Reagan fan all through high school.

Tell us briefly about yourself. I'm a nationalist Christian social-con with an occasional libertarian streak.. Married 5 years, 4 stepkids. Two big dogs. I like fast old cars, fast new computers and shiny new guns. Unfortunately my wages don't allow me to indulge in any of those things very much.

How long have you been reading IMAO? About a year, but I've read enough of the archives to feel like an old-timer.

What's your favorite IMAO post? Favorite categories are IMW and I Hate Frank. Specific posts include the IMW where Barney Frank is asked if he is gay or retarded and replies "I can be both." That triggered convulsive laughter. There was also a Guide to Spooky Creatures that suggested the best was to deal with a vampire is to screw with his alarm clock. I still laugh at that months later.

If you were to describe IMAO in three words, what would those be? WOLVERINES! (then it echoes two more times)

What's your favorite political issue? 2nd amendment stuff had been quiet for a quite a while, but now it is time to see what the SCOTUS has to say. This is a big deal for me. Border security/illegal immigration is right up there, too.

Do you have a website? If so, please tell us briefly about it. Yes, but I dunno if it really "counts" since I only post new blog updates about once a month. Some of the humor attempts turned out pretty good, (me, biased?) including a IMW inspired story, but the humor muse just doesn't visit as often as I thought she would. Go there and tell me how great I am, maybe it will help.

How should we pick a presidential candidate?
Follow these steps precisely:
1. Exclude Ron Paul and Dennis Kucinich.
2. Give each candidate a tacobell spork; allow each candidate 5 minutes to sharpen the spork by grinding it on the sidewalk.
3. Assign a random Gitmo detainee to each candidate.
4. Throw each candidate, one-by-one, into a Thunderdome-like arena along with his/her Gitmo detainee opponent.
5. Time how long it takes each candidate to disembowel his/her opponent. Winner is declared based on fastest time and artistic merit (1-10 scale, three judges, averaged). Democrats would probably talk too long to be competitive, so I think this system should be put into use right away.

; begin function(kobayashi maru) [? -Ed.]

What liberal do you most want to punch in his dumb monkey face? I think I'll have to go with Al Franken, 'cuz he's about as monkey-faced as MFLs ever get. He is so monkey-faced, all he'd have to do is let his beard grow out for a few days and he could cameo in a Geico caveman commercial.

If you had Superman's heat vision, how often would you use it? If it would cauterize Nancy Pelosi's mouth shut, I guess I'd only need it once. But if the Northeast has an unusually cold winter, I'd glare at Ted Kennedy for a while and see if I can get any of that human lard to combust - it would really cut down on regional demand for heating oil.

Do you ever wish you could control fire with your mind? All the time. Especially when our flag is being torched by some "activists." Flag burning would drop in popularity right away. "Gaah! Burning flag attacking me! (sizzling sound in background.)"

If you could shoot a powerful beam out your eyes, do you think you could find the spare time to fight evil? Dunno - been pretty busy reading IMAO lately. I suppose I could fly around in a Blackhawk and use my eye-beams like a doorgunner. That'd be worth it.

If you could wish one politician away to the cornfield, who would it be? Al Sharpton ran for Prez, so I guess he's a politician. Make him go away, please.

Why do you think liberals' faces resemble those of monkeys? I've been told that HIV first arose in African monkeys decades ago, and was transmitted to humans when a human did some "naughty things" with said monkey. Guess the monkey had not been taught how to use contraception. Either that or liberals are born normal looking, and gradually become more monkey-faced as the schoolyard beatings start to take a toll on their little skulls.

What do you recommend should be government policy on monkeys? Tell the monkeys that Fidel Castro is giving out free socialist peanuts to all monkeys. When the hungry monkeys dogpile Fidel, we should drop a MOAB on the whole heap. (MOAB=Monkeys On A**hole Bomb)

If you could control the creatures of the sea with your mind, what would you do? I'd have dolphins and sharks swim upriver to Chappaquiddick. The dolphins to save MaryJo and the sharks to dine on Ted.

Name one use for a liberal. Object of ridicule.

If you saw a monkey faced liberal but had your hands tied behind your back, what would you do? I'd say "Hey, MFL, look at that piece of litter on the ground! I think it's recyclable!" When he bends over to pick it up I'd knee him in the throat and laugh as he writhes in agony.

If you could fire liberals out of a cannon, what would fire them at? Those giant windmills that are used for generating electricity. If you time it right, those giant spinning fan blades will really mess up a liberal as he flies by.

When I draw liberals, I always imagine them wearing pointy hats. Why is that? Liberals spend a lot of time with their heads up their you-know-whats. I think the pointy hat is helpful in some way, but I'm reluctant to think too much more about it.

What's your least favorite type of whale? Rosanne Barr.

Do you think liberals secretly want to be punched? When I feel like punching a liberal, their wants are pretty much irrelevant.

If you could grow to fifty times your normal size, what would you do with that power? I'd challenge fartbreath himself, Michael Moore, to a Sumo to the Death contest. If I win, him and Olberman and Huffington and Kos and that whole crew have to move to North Korea and never be heard from again. If I lose, then all the talk radio and rightwing blog heroes have to move to The Hague and scrub toilets at the Internation Court for the rest of their lives. It would be a rumble for the ages. Now, I'm aware that based on sheer tonnage, me times 50 is still a lot less than Michael Moore, but I'm confident my speed and agility advantages would more than make up for it.

How would you introduce the president of Iran if he were giving a speech at your college? I'd give him a real "Bang" of an introduction. I think .357 magnum is about loud enough.

Juggling: What's the point of it? In case the funny clothes and jester hat don't give it away, juggling is a supplemental warning to passers-by that they are in unsafe proximity to someone who is Profoundly Gay.

What is it about Islamic terrorists that liberals like so much? Osama bin Laden has been in that cave a long time without running water. I've heard that his body odor smells a lot like Patchouli.

If Rose O'Donnell get her own show, what channel do you think it should be on? I don't think Rosie's fat ass would fit on just one channel.

;end function(kobayashi maru)

* * * *

If you commented in the last post asking for entrants, you're still in the running. Thanks to everyone who has participated thus far; just because you may not think you're interesting doesn't mean we won't enjoy your story.

Rating: 3.2/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (18) | Ronin Profiles
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 02:21 PM | Email This

john edwards fabulous.jpgMost people are surprised to learn that John Edwards has a tattoo, but take a good look at his eyeliner sometime.

Bonus Fact from Silicon Valley Jim:
Power tools scare John Edwards. Actually, any tool scares John Edwards, even his manicurist's nail file.

Bonus Fact Video from Jim of 24thState.com (which actually predates the Hawkins video, but I've been too lazy to post this):

Illustrated Bonus Fact from Dick of Suicide Help Desk's comment (#3) about John Edwards's favorite Monty Python sketch:

Illustrated Bonus Fact from exhelodrvr (#4) about John Edwards's least favorite Monty Python sketch:

Rating: 2.7/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (5) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
New Emotion Chip "Working Perfectly" Says Clinton Handler
Posted by Harvey at 01:01 PM | Email This

PORTSMOUTH, NH (AP) - Campaigning in New Hampshire one day before the first-in-the-nation primary, Senator Hillary Clinton got emotional and had tears in her eyes as she spoke with voters about how hard it is to balance a busy campaign life and her passion for the country's future. Clinton's handlers say her new Emoticon 7000 bio-implant computer chip has finally allowed the presidential candidate to flawlessly mimic actual human emotions.

404 - Emotion Not Found

"This is a real breakthrough," said Jay Carson, the man responsible for Clinton's cybernetic enhancements. "It's been a VERY difficult campaign. The first chip - an Emoticon 3000 - was a total bust. She'd start cackling laughter for absolutely no reason or even at completely inappropriate times. One time some guy told her about how his wife died because his insurance company wouln't pay for her chemo and he hoped Hillary would fix the health care system so that would never happen again. That goofy cow just started braying & guffawing like Homer Simpson watching someone take a football in the groin. We yanked the chip that night."

"The Emoticon 5000 wasn't much better. She wasn't laughing all the time, but on the other hand she was getting out-of-control angry. Some of that came through in recent debates, but it was worse backstage. A lot worse. Like plucking-out-staffer's-eyeballs worse."

"Seems that the 5000 was running Windows Vista, and those who've used it will confirm that eye-plucking rage is a common side effect of the software."

Rating: 3.2/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (26) | Newsish Fakery
Ron Paul Loses Among the Anti-War?
Posted by Frank J. at 12:26 PM | Email This

McCain had a huge advantage among anti-war voters -- even over Ron Paul -- despite him being perhaps the most solid candidate on the war. I don't know what to read from that other than apparently the fact that if someone is anti-war doesn't mean he wants to lay down with neo-Nazis (and that maybe McCain would do better at picking up independents in the general election than Republicans).

Exit Question: At what point will Ronulans have to face reality that their candidate won't win the nomination? Will it be sometime before the convention, at the convention, or will they continue their impotent scheming even after that?

Rating: 2.9/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (21) | Ron Paul, Ron Paul, Ron Paul
Frank Ideas for a John McCain Slogan
Posted by Frank J. at 11:23 AM | Email This
"I have a bill ready to make this blog illegal political speech! Now you kids be quiet and I'll let you play with the dead terrorist skulls!"
What is it with the nitwits in the first primary states? Iowa drooled all over their shiny, evangelical prize and New Hampshire refused to vote for Fred Thompson because didn't kiss their butts (plus, there's no way New Hampshire could vote for a candidate the average Republican would like). Still, New Hampshire was a big win for McCain. If he is the nominee, what could be some slogans we could get behind? Here are my ideas:

FRANK IDEAS FOR A JOHN MCCAIN SLOGAN

"He'll treat terrorists the same way he treats the kids who won't stay off his lawn!"

"You hate him; he hates you; now lets kick some foreigner ass."

"He'll screw over terrorists even more than he screws over Republicans."

"We could do worse. Not much worse, but worse."

"Today's challenges require the leadership of a cranky old bastard."

"You think he cares what you blog? He didn't care when the Vietnamese were torturing him."

"If there's one issue you need your candidate to be right about, it's Iraq (which luckily is the only issue McCain is right about)."

"Better than waterboarding!"

Put your own ideas in the comments. Keep in mind, though, that he's a war hero.

Rating: 3.4/5 (24 votes cast)

Comments (50)
Hilmentum!
Posted by Frank J. at 09:19 AM | Email This

You go, girl! You're an inspiration for every nine-year-old girl who has an undying lust for power!

I declare today "Happy Hillary Day!"

Yay!

Rating: 1.8/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (31)
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

Only one percent of New Hampshirites slept soundly last night.

Rating: 2.1/5 (30 votes cast)

Comments (7) | Fred Thompson Facts
January 08, 2008
The Maverick - 2008
Posted by Cadet Happy at 11:09 PM | Email This

mc2008.jpg

Rating: 2.4/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (11)
Posted by Cadet Happy at 10:29 PM | Email This

04-fat-ladyq.jpg

Read More...


Rating: 3.0/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (18)
Ronin Profile: Texaspartan
Posted by Frank J. at 08:43 PM | Email This
Texaspartan
Let's meet some more IMAO readers. Today, it's Texaspartan.

* * * *

What's the story behind your name? I live in Texas and I have a deep appreciation for the Spartan way of thinking. The only difference between Thermopylae and The Alamo is that The Alamo didn’t send any messengers

Where do you live? I live in Lubbock… the high ground of Texas. It is also known as “God’s Country. God made it, no one wanted it and God still has it”

How old are you? 37 and a few months, but my wife says I don’t act it. Probably because I can quote the movie “Army of Darkness” verbatim.

Tell us briefly about yourself. Husband, father and dog owner. I like hunting and reading books about martial arts. I try not to watch a lot of TV, mainly because there isn’t much worth watching. I did write a TV pilot and about eight episodes, but no one picked it up. Maybe that is why I don’t think there is much out there worth watching.

How long have you been reading IMAO? About a year. I didn’t mark the date on my calendar so I may have missed the anniversary. Sorry.

What's your favorite IMAO post? Lolterizt. Them guys is funny!!!!

If you were to describe IMAO in three words, what would those be? Tasteful yet unrefined.

What's your favorite political issue? Illegal immigration and gun owner’s rights. I am all in favor of taking the best that other countries can offer and letting them work for a home and happiness here as long as they do it legally. If you come in unannounced and uninvited you just might get shot, just like someone breaking into a home, which of course leads to the rights of gun owners. See how it makes a nice little circle?

Do you have a website? If so, please tell us briefly about it. Nope. I don’t have enough time in the day to spend with my wife and kids so I give them all the time I’ve got.

What state should be first in the Republican presidential primary and why? Texas (knew that was coming didn’t you). Other than Austin, most of the people here are fairly conservative in their mind set. If you really wanted to get the best and most conservative candidate we would be pretty good at weeding out the pretenders. GO FRED!!!

* * * *

If you commented in the last post asking for entrants, you're still in the running. Thanks to everyone who has participated thus far; just because you may not think you're interesting doesn't mean we won't enjoy your story.

Rating: 3.6/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (7) | Ronin Profiles
Tonight: New Hampshire
Posted by Frank J. at 05:23 PM | Email This

Well, I guess on the Republican side I'm rooting for McCain because strategically that may be better for Fred Thompson (though I'm not sure). As for the Democrats, I am starting to think that Obama could run away with the election based on his charisma alone (which only Huckabee might be able to match). A Huckabee/Obama race would be interesting, as it would be all about who talks purtier and who is least naive on foreign policy. It would also mark that America has surrendered on being serious about international threats.

Anyway, keep in mind that independents can vote in the New Hampshire primaries, and there are no one dumber than independents.

UPDATE:

Yeah, looks like McCain winning tonight is the key to Fred Thompson making his stand and winning South Carolina. Go Maverick!

UPDATE 2:

Well, it's a big day for McCain. My thoughts on what this means tomorrow (after I think them).

Rating: 4.5/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (24)
Oh Noes!!11!!
Posted by Frank J. at 05:12 PM | Email This

Now Ron Paul has no chance of being elected president. What's next? Someone finding a scandal about Kucinich and ruining his chances too?

Rating: 3.4/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (34) | Ron Paul, Ron Paul, Ron Paul
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 03:05 PM | Email This

john edwards fabulous.jpgJohn Edwards believes in the conspiracy theory that Big Hairspray is paying millions to keep the uncloggable spray nozzle off the market.

Rating: 2.6/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (2) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
In My World: Just Let It Out
Posted by Frank J. at 01:33 PM | Email This

Hillary Clinton sat in a coffee shop with a a group of supporters in New Hampshire. "Isn't this nice: Meeting with regular folks. That's my favorite part of campaigning."

One man looked at her unconvinced. "Then why do look ready to claw your own face?"

Hillary's smile started fading. "It's just..." She paused to collect herself. "I..." Here's eyes started misting. "I just..." She began crying. "This campaigning had been so... sob... hard on me."

"I'm sorry," the man said. "I didn't mean it. Please stop crying."

Tears were streaming down her face. "Everyone... sob... has been... sob... so mean to me."

"Well, we all like you here," one person said. "Don't we?" Everyone in the coffee shop agreed. "So there's no reason to cry."

"People just think... sob... the worst of me... sob... because all I ever wanted... sob... is unlimited power."

"No no. We know that's natural for a woman to want. Please stop crying."

"It's just that all... sob... the anger against me... sob... is hard to take... sob... I keep praying... sob... to a higher power... sob... for it to stop... sob... but it never lets up... sob... and I'm beginning to wonder... sob... if there really is a Satan."

A woman nearby patted her on the back. "There is and he's listening to you. It's all going to be okay."

"People seem to think... sob... I'm some naive liberal... sob... they thought... sob... I was going to accidentally screw up... sob... healthcare in America... sob... with my plan... sob... but really... sob... I was going to destroy it on purpose... sob... to spread suffering."

"We know that," a man told her. "We know you're devious and not naive."

"And I've worked... sob... so hard... sob... to be president... sob... my whole life... sob... and now that's going to be... sob... taken away from me... sob... by a colored man... sob... with the name of homicidal dictator."

"No! That's not going to happen," another woman assured her. "The country is still racist; they'll never vote for Obama."

The waiter came by the table. "Um... Can I get you something Senator Clinton?"

She tried to wipe away her tears. "I'd like... sob... a caramel... sob... macchiato."

"Oh, um... I'm afraid we're out of caramel."

Hillary started crying even louder.

"Is there anything else I can get you?" he asked in a panic. "Anything at all?"

"What I really like... sob... but most places don't have it... sob... is the blood... sob... of a new born baby."

"There's a hospital just a block away and I know where the nursery is. Just please stop crying and I'll be back in a minute." The waiter ran out the door.

"I think I better... sob... leave and get... sob... a handle on myself." She stood up and began to slowly walk away from the table.

Bill O'Reilly ran over and knocked her down to the floor. "Stop blocking my shot of Obama!"

"I'm... sob... sorry."

"Shut up and stop the crying! You're messing up the recording of me shouting at people!"

Hillary crawled away into the corner and just sat there crying.

"Is there anything we can do to cheer you up?" one woman asked.

"You could... sob... tell me... sob... a joke."

"Well... um... what's black and white and red all over?"

"I don't... sob... know."

"A penguin with a sunburn."

Hillary stopped crying, and soon a cackle began to form inside her and grow until she cackled so loud that small children five counties over began crying for no reason.

The patrons of the coffee shop stood back in fear. "Are you sure you're done crying?"

Rating: 2.8/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (15) | In My World
lolterizt! Part 29
Posted by Harvey at 12:36 PM | Email This

Once again, pass 'em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don't be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.



childproof.jpg

hoes.jpg

macarena with me.jpg

simon says no.jpg

tree vs bulldozer.jpg

zionist conspiracy.jpg

needs lubricant.jpg
[Hat tip to Seawitch for the pic]



From Tom:
teen pal.JPG

Two from cyberjacques:
klein.JPG

lites.jpg

Two from Erik Wit:
uzi.JPG

microphones1.JPG



PRODUCTION NOTE: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and - if they aren't obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don't suck too terribly bad - I'll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

Rating: 2.0/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (8) | lolterizt
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

Some people are homeless because of their financial situation, others are homeless because of substance abuse, while still others are homeless because they looked at Fred Thompson funny and he destroyed their home.

Rating: 2.3/5 (32 votes cast)

Comments (7) | Fred Thompson Facts
January 07, 2008
On to South Carolina
Posted by Frank J. at 10:12 PM | Email This

Fred Thompson is heading to South Carolina to make his stand:

2008 can still be awesome, so if you have some money, throw it Fred Thompson's way to help get the only conservative running elected (who I also happen to have a t-shirt design for which you can buy with any money you have left over after donating the legal limit to Fred Thompson).

Rating: 2.9/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (26)
On to Montana
Posted by Cadet Happy at 10:05 PM | Email This

Fred Thompson is heading to Montana to make his stand:
scrwdthomp.jpg

Rating: 2.3/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (21) | I Hate Frank
Ronin Profile: sackofcatfood
Posted by Frank J. at 09:23 PM | Email This
sackofcatfood
Let's meet some more IMAO readers. Today, it's sackofcatfood.

* * * *

What's the story behind your name? It came to me in a vision. A vision involving my four cats try to nibble through my skin to the delicious meet therein contained at three in the morning.

Where do you live? Albuquerque, New Mexico, on holidays and weekends; Socorro, New Mexico during school. (the venerable geekdom of New Mexico Tech)

How old are you? I am one-and-twenty years of age.

Tell us briefly about yourself. As a child, I was abandoned and raised by a roaming pack of wolves, er, I mean, lawyers. The lawyers raised me as one of their own. They taught me to scavenge for old people's retirement funds, to use legal loopholes to my advantage, and to never represent Martha Stewart, even if the jury looks like a complete pushover.

As I grew, the other lawyers began to notice that I wasn't like them, and so did I. While the other lawyer-cubs grew into lawyers, I grew into a human being. So I left my adopted family to find my own path in life.

It was about this time that the Mongols invaded Manchuria. They had a big dog which barked all night. It looked like China would be doomed for sure, then I had a brilliant idea. I told the Chinese to collect all of their unused rocks and pile them in a giant wall around their lands. It worked perfectly: that stupid dog couldn't get in and we all finally got some sleep.

This worked out great until some Japanese guys accidentally threw their frisbee over the wall. The Chinese refused to give it back, so the Japanese decided to invade China like a bazillion times over the next two thousand years looking for it. They never did find it, and on top of that they got nuked TWICE, but then they invented Anime, so I guess that makes them even with the rest of us.

I didn't stick around for all that. I decided to leave for England, on account of the only language I knew was English, and I was getting tired of waving my hands at people like a drunk New York cabbie every time I wanted to have a conversation.

The guy in charge of England was pretty cool. Some chap named Arthur. He had a sword he'd stolen from some lady made out of water, and was always swinging it around and accidentally smashing royal vases and whatnot, especially when we played tag. One time we were playing tag and he ran into his royal knights' table and hurt his side on a corner. I suggested that he should shave off the corners and make it round, which he did.

Also while in England I met some dude named Shakespeare. He was in university and just about ready to fail his English class. I thought he seemed like a swell fellow, so I gave him some old plays and sonnets that I'd written to help him get through the course. Turned out pretty well for him.

A little later, however, some of my friends in the church were having a tough time with the government... you know, outstanding parking tickets or something. I advised them to flee across the ocean on rickety old ships with little food and faulty navigation equipment. Under my guidance, they eventually had a thriving colonial economy. I invented a type of de-carbonated mountain dew which I called "tea." This went over quite well with them, and also our old friends in Britain. Then the British people got all uppity and started charging us money for it and stationing troops in our houses and all sorts of stupid stuff. So we shot them and they left.

About this time, I went into realestate. Property is a great investment to make. I told all the presidents this. "Manifest destiny," I called it. It caught on with the Americans. Not so much with the Mexicans. Hehehe, I tricked some guys who called themselves "Canadians" into purchasing a vast wasteland of ice. They still haven't realized they got ripped off.

Wouldn't you know it, though, those folks in England couldn't stay out of trouble. They got in some huge war with a bunch of other countries. TWICE. The first time I let them handle it on their own. The second time, things got kind of tricky.

This guy name Hitler had allied with this guy named Stalin. They were both dictators (you could tell because they had mustaches). Hitler's mustache was pretty powerful, but midway into the war it became apparent that he would need to supplement its power with many natural resources in order to win. So he foolishly decided to invade Russia to augment his supplies. Unfortunately, Stalin's mustache proved much too powerful, and soon glorious Soviet soldiers were marching on Munich.

Sadly, Stalin's mustache began to corrupt him, and he decided to try to take over the world. I ran back to the United States where I helped them develop a solid nuclear program and deterrent military force. Stalin was like "Ah, crap!" and eventually died and was put in a museum some place.

After that, I hung out, grew a fro, partied through the 90's, and now I'm a college student at New Mexico Tech where I make everybody's day brighter and more merry. :)

Until the day I burn down my dorm.

["Briefly" must mean something different when translated to crazy. -Ed.]

How long have you been reading IMAO? 2003? I know I lamented missing some of your earlier stuff but I was around for Bush running against that French guy.

What's your favorite IMAO post? Definitely your editorial by Allah. The running insinuation that Allah is actually Jewish makes for possibly the best piece of satire since A Modest Proposal.

If you were to describe IMAO in three words, what would those be? sui generis, cynosure, octothorpe

What's your favorite political issue? Free trade. I'm the sort of sadistic person who thinks nothing's funnier than luring a nutroot into a political argument only to transform it into a discussion about differential equations.

Do you have a website? If so, please tell us briefly about it. http://sackofcatfood.blogspot.com/

It was mish-mash.info until I became too poor to afford hosting.

It is a silly place.

If you can plant any question in a Hillary Clinton audience, what would it be? Mrs. Clinton, is it true that you are actually too fat for that dress you are wearing, and are, in effect, at this very moment, engaged in an epic battle of will to restrain your pudgy gut from causing an explosion of sequins? DON'T LIE TO ME FATTY!

* * * *

If you commented in the last post asking for entrants, you're still in the running. Thanks to everyone who has participated thus far; just because you may not think you're interesting doesn't mean we won't enjoy your story.

Rating: 3.4/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (15) | Ronin Profiles
Libearls Annoying?
Posted by Frank J. at 03:47 PM | Email This

John Hawkins has a list of the twenty most annoying liberals of 2007. I've always said liberals would be less annoying if we placed them in a camp. Then when people ask, "Does America have diverse and varying opinions on national issues?" We could say, "Yes... but confined to a camp."

Rating: 2.7/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (24)
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 02:36 PM | Email This

john edwards fabulous.jpgThe most annoying thing about going out drinking with John Edwards? Having to listen to his incessant ranting about how EVERY pad should have wings.

Rating: 3.2/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (8) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
Waaah!
Posted by Frank J. at 02:10 PM | Email This

Hillary actually broke down crying talking about her campaign. You kinda have to feel sorry for her. She could almost feel our money in our hands, and now it looks like it's all being snatched away from her.

Luckily she didn't cry in Iowa, because I hear if her tears touch soil, nothing will ever grow there ever again.

What's not in the video is that right after she cried someone told her a knock knock joke causing her to cackle incessantly.

Rating: 2.3/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (25)
The State of the Race as Far as I Understand It
Posted by Frank J. at 01:49 PM | Email This

So the next big contest is New Hampshire, and Fred Thompson should barely register there. Why? Because he didn't campaign there. You might think that maybe some Hampshirians would vote for Fred Thompson anyway hearing so much about him in the news, but they're a bunch of arrogant pricks who won't vote for a candidate no matter how good he is on the issues if they didn't get to personally shake his hand. They feel they deserve to get all candidates to bow before them and they will not tolerate Fred Thompson's independence. That's why I hate everyone in New Hampshire and hope they all get hit by buses. That's right: I want ever last man, woman, and child in New Hampshire to be hit by a bus or maybe some by trucks if there aren't enough buses. I also wouldn't mind some to be hit by trolleys, but I don't know if New Hampshire has trolleys.

So who to root for? The choices are McCain and Romney and I honestly don't know which one I like more/dislike least. Where do you all split on that? Romney says all the right things, but I don't trust him. With McCain, at least I know exactly how he's going to screw me (and he's solid on the war). Plus, I think the type of leadership the country needs now is that of an angry old man.

Well, let's not get ahead of ourselves. Fred Thompson's next big stand is South Carolina. If things work out, 2008 could be awesome instead of sucking.

That reminds me: When is my state's primary?

Ah... who cares. Voting in primaries is for homos.

Rating: 2.8/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (35)
They Also Made Sure to Get Glenn Reynolds Soundproof Walls
Posted by Frank J. at 01:33 PM | Email This

He's always taunting me.

Rating: 2.8/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (4)
Clinton Turns to Reality TV to Boost Poll Numbers
Posted by Harvey at 12:13 PM | Email This

WASHINGTON (AP) - After Barack Obama's stunning upset win in the Iowa caucases, Hillary Clinton announced that she will star in a new reality TV show in an effort to do better in the New Hampshire primaries.

Hillary signals approval at the dismemberment of an Obama voter

"I got the idea after reading that attendance is up after the tiger attack at the San Francisco zoo," said Hillary. "I think that by tying together two of America's favorite things - politics and animal maulings - I'll be able to show America that I'm in touch with what's important."

The new show, called "The Lady or the Tiger?", will feature New Hampshire voters in a room where they will cast their votes in the Democratic primaries. If they vote for Hillary, nothing will happen and they can leave the room unharmed. If they vote for anyone else, a hungry tiger will charge into the room and disembowel them live on national TV.

Clinton campaign spokesperson Mo Elleithee is enthusiastic about the new project. "Although some people will claim that this is just a cheap rip-off of the 'Huckabee or Hyenas?' show that the Republicans used with great success in Iowa, the truth is Hillary's been planning this for years. It has it origins in the incident where she hit Bill in the face with their cat, Socks, after hearing about Monica Lewinsky. The basic premise of punishing people's poor decision-making skills with angry felines remains the same, just with more cat and splattering body parts. Besides, this will give those people who keep saying 'I'd rather die than vote for Hillary' a chance to prove themselves."

Middle-ground also-ran John Edwards was dismissive of Clinton's plan, calling it "cheap circus theatrics".

"This is negative campaigning at it's worst," said Edwards, "and is just a sleazy attempt to distract America from the fact that only I have the pretty, pretty hair necessary to solve this country's problems."

Clinton responded that Edwards's comment was just "sour grapes" because his own reality show, "The Faggot or the Ferrets?" only garnered him a weak second-place showing in Iowa.

Rating: 2.8/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (8) | Newsish Fakery
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

Who would win in a fight between John Wayne and Chuck Norris? Fred Thompson.

Rating: 2.1/5 (30 votes cast)

Comments (9) | Fred Thompson Facts
January 06, 2008
Ron Paulless Debate Open Thread
Posted by Frank J. at 10:15 PM | Email This

I missed the debate again, but am going to tivo a later showing. Anyway, it must be nice to finally have one without Ron Paul. Early on, it was helpful to have an America-hating foil for everyone to play off of, but eventually they had to narrow things down to people who might actually win a Republican primary.

Rating: 4.1/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (77)
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 02:34 PM | Email This

john edwards fabulous.jpgJohn Edwards's Pet Peeve #7: being sick and - after searching the mansion high and low - only being able to find the oral thermometer.

Rating: 2.5/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (9) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

Fred Thompson can always easily identify pod-people, Cylons, Skrulls, users of a polyjuice potion, replicants, people who are actually the Thing, and RINOs.

Rating: 2.0/5 (31 votes cast)

Comments (27) | Fred Thompson Facts
Debate Open Thread
Posted by Frank J. at 03:13 AM | Email This

I missed it. I heard the Democrats actually ran into Fred Thompson at it. Did he kill them all, or did he leave one alive to tell the tale to others?

UPDATE:

I watched it off the DVR (yes, I have too much of a life to watch a debate live on Saturday night but not so much as to avoid recording it for later), and Fred Thompson was freaking awesome. I officially hate everyone not voting for him.

Rating: 3.4/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (42)
January 05, 2008
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 01:27 PM | Email This

john edwards fabulous.jpgJohn Edwards is incapable of entering a flower shop without gazing around and whispering "I'm prettier than all of you".

Rating: 2.5/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (12) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

Death lives in fear of Fred Thompson.

Rating: 2.1/5 (31 votes cast)

Comments (12) | Fred Thompson Facts
Posted by Cadet Happy at 12:59 AM | Email This

nton300 copy.jpg

Rating: 3.4/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (13)
Fun Trivia
Posted by Cadet Happy at 12:24 AM | Email This

Q: Why did so many Iowans come out for Mike Huckabee?

Read More...


Rating: 3.0/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (35) | Fun Trivia
January 04, 2008
Posted by Cadet Happy at 11:14 PM | Email This

anderson_cooper_137ASDFASDF.jpg

anderson_cooper_137ASDFXS.jpg

Rating: 3.8/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Huckabee supporters celebrate Iowa caucus victory . . .
Posted by Cadet Happy at 09:07 PM | Email This

. . . and look forward to general election victory.
dems-2006-victory.jpg

Rating: 3.5/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Posted by Cadet Happy at 08:15 PM | Email This

badchoice.jpg

badchoice1.gif

badchoice2.gif

Rating: 3.0/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (23)
BREAKING NEWS: Hillary Clinton placed in ambulance after post-caucus standoff
Posted by Cadet Happy at 07:48 PM | Email This

MALIBU, CALIFORNIA (AP): Hillary Clinton was placed into an ambulance at her home late Thursday after a post-caucus standoff that lasted nearly three hours.

britclint.jpg

Aerial footage from KTLA-TV showed the former First Lady being lifted in a gurney into an ambulance. It was unclear where she was being taken. Police were called to the residence around 8 p.m., when neighbors reported breaking glass and screams of "But it's my House damn it!" Anonymous sources are quoted as saying that at the time of the incident Clinton was under the influence of one of the most powerful narcotics known to man--self-delusion.

UPDATE: Comeback kid?

Read More...


Rating: 3.8/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (21)
A Soldier's Last Post
Posted by Frank J. at 05:46 PM | Email This

Andrew Olmsted was killed in Iraq, and he left a final post for such an occasion which hilzoy of Obsidian Wings posted for him. So play Freedom Isn't Free from the Team America soundtrack (an unsober reminder of the costs of freedom -- language warning) and give it a read.

Rating: 2.8/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 03:00 PM | Email This

john edwards fabulous.jpgA shoe salesman once told John Edwards "those size 5 pumps are too small, let's try a size 6". That size 6 is STILL lodged in the guy's colon.

Rating: 2.5/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (6) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
Schadenfreude!
Posted by Frank J. at 01:48 PM | Email This

Can you imagine what the Hillary camp was like after her third place finish? She must have been throwing lamps while screaming, "Don't they know who I am?! I'll grind their bones to make my bread!" She probably then screeched as she flew across the room to latch onto a staffer and suck out all his juices.

Rating: 2.3/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (17)
Infrared Remote Control T-Rex Followup
Posted by Frank J. at 01:05 PM | Email This

I realized I never gave an update on the infrared remote control t-rex I got from John Hawkins. SarahK let me open it up on Christmas Day, but something was wrong with one of the feet. It kept just going around in circles, and when it roared the dog attacked it.

There's probably a metaphor for Right Wing News there.

Rating: 4.8/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (2)
Obligatory Rant About Iowa and Huckabee
Posted by Frank J. at 12:14 PM | Email This

What sort of depraved individual wakes up in the morning and says, "I'm going to vote for Huckabee!" Really, the guy has no appeal to Republicans other than him shouting, "Look at me! I'm a Christian! I'm a Christian!" It's identity politics; he's the Jesse Jackson for mentally deficient white people. As a Christian myself, I thought one of our skills were supposed to be spotting frauds, but I guess a large number of "evangelicals" are lacking in that area. If you want to elect a Christian socialist, move to Europe. One advantage of the left being godless is that when they say they want my money for their harebrained policies, they never claimed it was dictated by God himself. Not going to be the case with Huckabee. If you disagree with him on taxes or humping the legs of illegal immigrants, he's going to call you a bad Christian. It's going to be so bad that it will necessitate one of us punching him, and who is going to do that? You? Are you willing to get tackled by the Secret Service?

That's of course assumes he get elected in the general election, but that's never going to happen. He'll only get the small number of Republicans behind him who don't care if you're a liberal if you have a Jesus fish on your car while scaring away all the liberals on the Democrat side since they'd never vote for anyone with a Jesus fish on his car. Huckabee is the moron Christian -- the one who uses Jesus to justify any idiotic idea -- liberals always claimed Republicans were but I never actually thought existed. It will be a disaster in the general election. Conservatives are going to have to run a third party candidate just to have something to do this year.

Anyway, I'm never buying corn again and no other American should. It's time to starve out Iowans.

Rating: 2.8/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (42)
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

Like most Americans, Fred Thompson has no plans to ever set foot in Iowa ever again.

Rating: 2.0/5 (32 votes cast)

Comments (21) | Fred Thompson Facts
My Take on Huckabee's Win in Iowa
Posted by Frank J. at 01:39 AM | Email This

If you shoved a monkey in a paint can and put that in a paint shaker for twenty minutes, what would eventually emerge from the can would be a more rational decision maker than your average Iowan.

"That guy has a Jesus fish behind him! Let's vote for him! Hyuk!"

BTW, congratulations on Obama's win as decided by about as many people as can fit in my living room (though that gathering would probably be more racially diverse).

Anyway, at least the New Hampshire Republican debate will only have the five frontrunners (no Ron Paul distraction!), so hopefully Fred Thompson can drop the hammer on Schmuckabee. When it should be just Republicans voting, why is it such a challenge for a conservative to be elected?

UPDATE:

Vodkapundit's open letter to Iowa Republicans sums things up pretty well.

(hat tip to reader Anon Y. Mous)

Rating: 3.4/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (55)
January 03, 2008
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 03:00 PM | Email This

john edwards fabulous.jpgJohn Edwards wishes someone would hurry up and invent Post-It-Note-strength velcro.

Rating: 1.8/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (4) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
Romney Scandal to Break Soon
Posted by Frank J. at 02:09 PM | Email This

Huckabee's former research director has hinted that a big Romney scandal will break soon. I don't buy it. Romney just doesn't have enough character to do anything scandalous of note. Some huge scandal might actually help him, as people would say, "What? A scandal? He's not as bland as I thought."

Anyway, here's what the scandal could be:

TOP TEN POSSIBLE ROMNEY SCANDALS

10. Did he say "Mormon"? He meant "Scientologist."

9. His programming does not include Asimov Three Laws of Robotics.

8. Don't tell anyone, but he actually changed some of his positions on the issues for political purposes.

7. He once ate his salad with the desert fork.

6. He lived in that hive of scum and villainy known as Massachusetts. Not only that, he was their leader!

5. Despite claims of being a green Republican, he himself is not biodegradable.

4. There's video of him forgetting to use "please" and "thank you."

3. He refuses to shake hands with poor people (but is that all that unusual for a Republican?).

2. The hobo graveyard in his backyard: It wasn't there when he bought the place like he originally claimed.

And the number one possible Romney scandal...

Read More...


Rating: 3.4/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (13)
John Edwards: Silky, Sassy, No Split Ends
Posted by Frank J. at 01:00 PM | Email This

In an attempt to help out John Edwards, here are facts about John Edwards put to music made by John Hawkins. Edwards is definitely IMAO's choice in the Democratic race, so we hope he slaps the competition in Iowa!

Rating: 2.1/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (4) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
Iowa Caucus FAQ
Posted by Frank J. at 12:34 PM | Email This

As the Iowa vote/caucus thing is today, I thought I'd put up this FAQ to help clarify things.

IOWA CAUCUS FAQ

Q. What exactly is a caucus?

I dunno.

Q. Who votes in it?

I dunno.

Q. Is it just registered Republicans for the Republican side?

I dunno.

Q. When will we find out the results?

I dunno.

Q. What time is the vote?

I dunno.

Q. Why does Iowa get all this power over elections?

I dunno.

Q. What do you know?

It all sounds pretty stupid.

Rating: 4.3/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (19)
Please Note
Posted by Frank J. at 12:24 PM | Email This

If you live in Iowa, make sure you caucus for Fred Thompson today or I will use the full power of my blog to destroy you.

That is all.

Rating: 3.8/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Heh
Posted by Frank J. at 09:34 AM | Email This

Thompson: Political Reporters Lack 'Fire in the Belly'

(hat tip Blender of Puppies)

Rating: 2.7/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (2)
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

Fred Thompson will not only beat expectations, he will kick and stomp expectations before running over its neck with his truck.

Rating: 2.1/5 (31 votes cast)

Comments (14) | Fred Thompson Facts
January 02, 2008
Thompson Surge
Posted by Frank J. at 04:42 PM | Email This

According to Zogby's latest.

Maybe I can spare the people of Iowa. We'll see tomorrow.

Rating: 4.5/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (19)
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 03:01 PM | Email This

john edwards fabulous.jpgJohn Edwards always does crossword puzzles in ink, although, oddly, all his answers are "my perfect hair".

Rating: 2.0/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (5) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
What I'm Not Going to Post About the Huckster
Posted by Frank J. at 01:54 PM | Email This

I had a very negative thing I was going to write about Mike Huckabee (or, as I like to call him, "Fat @#$%abee"), but I've decided it would be immoral and go against the strict blogger code.

I know. You're probably all saying, "You didn't write a post! You were too lazy to write a post and now you're covering it up." So, because I know you're not going to let it go, here is the post below that I am refusing to post.

Read More...


Rating: 2.4/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (24)
Help for CBS
Posted by Harvey at 12:55 PM | Email This

CBS ran this headline "In Iowa, Dems Vary On Style, Not Substance" which tells me that they're having trouble telling the Democrat candidates apart.

Maybe it's because the Dems are all tax & spend socialists. Maybe it's because people who work at CBS are retarded ("These memos are a slam dunk, Dan! Don't back down!").

Either way, I thought I'd offer this brief & handy pictoral guide to the Democratic Candidates:



biden 250.jpg

dodd 250.jpg

gravel 250.jpg

kucinich 250.jpg

richardson 250.jpg

obama 250.jpg

hillary 250.jpg

edwards 250.jpg



Hope that helps.

Rating: 3.0/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (23) | Election 2008
Frank Ideas on How to Pick a Presidential Candidate
Posted by Frank J. at 12:34 PM | Email This

The Iowa caucus is tomorrow. Basically the fate of the Republican Party is in the hands of a bunch of inbred corn farmers. Recent studies have shown that the average Iowan has the decision making skills of a four-year-old with a concussion, so I don't know whose idea it was to give them so much power. Have you tasted corn lately? Its crap. These guys don't know what they're doing.

If Iowa screws things up and flocks for the dishonest, TV evangelist hyuk-hyuk-Huckabee, you think its possible for the Republican Party to declare they no longer recognize Iowa as a state? I think we already don't recognize New Hampshire (at least I have no clue where it is).

Who knows, though. Maybe they'll do right or maybe they won't matter, but the primary system seems a bit screwed up. Maybe it's time for a change. Here's some new ideas on how to select a Republican presidential candidate.

* Let Bloggers Decide: Were obviously very smart and informed, as we not only take the time to form opinions on important subjects, we also take time to type them out on the internet. The rest of the public may distrust us, though, with how we wear pajamas, drink puppies, and are hugely arrogant, but the rest of the public is stupid and I shouldn't even be bothered with their opinions.

* Bare-Fisted Brawl: Let's reduce things to the issue Republicans care about most: Who can kick whose ass. How can you not entrust the country to the one man who alone returns from the decision pit? Similarly, the Democrats can pick their candidate based on a large slap-fight.

* Random Choice: People who actively seek the presidency aren't the people we really want as president. Instead, can't we just use some random number generator to pick someone from the lists of registered Republicans? That way maybe we'll get someone who doesn't even want the job. And, if you're worried about getting someone unqualified, all the president has to do is look tough and occasionally bomb stuff (which is why Democrats never work out).

* Have Me Decide: Why put things to chance? Everyone knows I'm the smartest, so just let me decide who should be our candidate. I am smart, honest, trustworthy, and, luckily for lobbyists, I can be influenced by gifts. I'm the perfect system.

* Plot a Military Coup: Why even bother with the stupid election? We Republicans are tougher, so let's not even field a candidate and take the White House by force in January 2009. What are the Democrats going to do? Whine? How will that be any different from any other period in time? I like this idea best because its direct democracy of the purest form.

Rating: 2.1/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (12)
This Title Is Just Funny
Posted by Frank J. at 11:40 AM | Email This

"Michael Moore on the Fence"

I could see him on a steel fortified wall, maybe, but I can't imagine any sort of fence he could be on.

Anyway, I would have thought with the faux-populism, he would have been all over Edwards (there's another odd visual; he'd probably crush the dainty lad).

Rating: 3.1/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (11)
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

The Klingon word for "awesome" is "Fred Thompson."

Rating: 2.0/5 (33 votes cast)

Comments (7) | Fred Thompson Facts
January 01, 2008
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Posted by Harvey at 03:00 PM | Email This

john edwards fabulous.jpgJohn Edwards can't walk through a clothing store without feeling a cramp of bitter envy while passing by a "size 3" rack.

Rating: 1.9/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (4) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
lolterizt! Part 28
Posted by Harvey at 11:59 AM | Email This

Once again, pass 'em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don't be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.



compensating.jpg

coffin eats fingers.jpg

keymaster.jpg

koran dental.jpg

ringo and ron.jpg

tammy faye baker.jpg

jihadi jumprope.jpg



From cyberjacques:
suicide bong.JPG

From Nate:
dem_primaries.jpg

From Matthew:
Mahmoud in white.jpg

From Tom:
skool play.JPG

Two from Erik Wit:
lighter.JPG

monster.JPG



PRODUCTION NOTE: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and - if they aren't obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don't suck too terribly bad - I'll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

Rating: 2.6/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (7) | lolterizt
Daily Fred Thompson Fact
Posted by Frank J. at 08:00 AM | Email This

If Fred Thompson is an auld acquaintance, there is no chance of forgetting him.

Rating: 2.0/5 (33 votes cast)

Comments (2) | Fred Thompson Facts
Happy New Year!
Posted by Frank J. at 02:02 AM | Email This

Happy New Year, ronin! I vow that 2008 will be IMAO's best year ever!

I vow it!

What are you looking forward to this year? I'm looking forward to the suffering of my enemies. 2008 will be the year they will finally meet my wrath! Pity them.

Who am I kidding; I don't have any enemies. I wish I had some, and I really could use an arch-nemesis. That would be awesome. 2008 will be the year I get an arch-nemesis! And he will suffer my wrath for the inequities he will eventually unleash upon me!

Then again, an arch-nemesis sounds like a bit of a time commitment. I think I'll just punch a hippie.

Rating: 2.6/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (22)
 

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