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February 29, 2008
The Legend of the Mall Ninja . . .
Posted by Cadet Happy at 06:20 PM | Email This

. . . this is definitely worth a look over the weekend. In short, it's the fascinating tale of a hero on the front line of law enforcement that has been bravely preventing the sodomization of virgin male teenagers since at least 2001.

Rating: 2.6/5 (26 votes cast)

Comments (30)
Iron Man Lives Again!
Posted by Frank J. at 12:01 PM | Email This

This movie looks like it's going to be awesome:

Rating: 2.5/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (25)
Note to Terrorists
Posted by Frank J. at 11:26 AM | Email This

"What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas" is just a slogan; the FBI will still find out what you did there.

Rating: 2.7/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (7)
McCain Is Old; Don't Wake Him Up at 3AM
Posted by Frank J. at 11:05 AM | Email This

Until I saw the end, I thought this was a cheesy McCain ad:

Yeah, if there's a huge crisis, the one we want responding is a former first lady... especially if the crisis is there's not enough cookies for the bake sale!

Rating: 2.6/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (22)
Maybe McCain Is Afraid of Tough Questions
Posted by Frank J. at 09:49 AM | Email This

McCain had a conference call with bloggers and I wasn't invited. I remember Romney did the same thing. I thought Fred Thompson established you're supposed to invite me to these things. I'm like Helen Thomas: I may be an idiot, but it's tradition to include me.

Rating: 2.5/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (18)
February 28, 2008
White People Are Crazy
Posted by Frank J. at 09:20 PM | Email This

Found this through Conservative Grapevine: Stuff White People Like

It's a blog devoted to listing and explaining stuff that white people like. Useful if you're trying to understand white people.

Rating: 2.4/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (25)
Posted by Frank J. at 06:48 PM | Email This

The New York Times has come out with a even dumber attack against McCain questioning whether he can legally be president since he was born on an Air Force base in Panama... even though it's been settled law since 1790 about what constitutes native citizenship. Anyway, a Hot Air commenter had a great bon mot about that which deserves special feature.

Rating: 2.1/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (12)
Nader Campaign Slogans
Posted by Harvey at 11:55 AM | Email This

America's favorite vote-splitter has put a fresh coat of tinfoil on his hat and tossed it into the ring for 2008.

You'll pardon my insidious Machiavellianism, but I'd really like to see the man do well this time around.

You know what I'm talkin' about.

So let's see if we can't whip him up a killer campaign slogan:

* Skip the blacko, vote the wacko.

* Nader: because corporations selling you cool stuff is the REAL terrorism.

* Six more months of military experience than Bill Clinton.

* Kooky like Ron Paul, but without all that annoying liberty crap.

* Spoilernator III: Rise of the Lunatics

* Because I Can

* Looking 90, acting 12.

* Just a hooded sweatshirt and a stick of dynamite away from being the Unabomber.

* Nader: homonymically synonymous with "rock bottom".

* FOR working families, AGAINST the corporations that sign their paychecks.

* He won't start every sentence with "I served in Vietnam".

* I'm John McCain, and I approved this candidacy.

* Nader: he's never worked for a living either.

* Like Barack's really going to miss .3% of the vote.

Come on folks, this is important. Help him out in the comments.

Rating: 2.7/5 (36 votes cast)

Comments (54) | Election 2008
My Solution to Iraq Is to Never Have Gone There
An Editorial by Senator Barack Obama
Posted by Frank J. at 11:02 AM | Email This

 Iraq continues to be a serious problem, and the Bush administration has done nothing but increase the problem and cause unnecessary deaths. It is a mess, but I have a solution: I would never have gone there.

 The Iraq War will be a big problem to inherit, but it would not be if we hadn't have gone there. That's why that is my solution. People ask me, "Won't leaving Iraq now be abandoning the Iraqi people?" Well, it wouldn't be abandoning them if we hadn't had gone there. "What about a civil war?" others ask, to which I say there would be no civil war if Saddam were still in charge because we didn't go to Iraq. As you can see, not having gone to Iraq easily solves all these problems.

"I do have experience: Experience at not going to war."

 As for Al Qaeda in Iraq, I don't think they would be a problem if we hadn't had gone. Maybe they already were there and working with some support from Saddam, but I still think not having gone there is a risk worth taking. You may worry about all the terrorists there and whether they have intentions for attacking America, but you wouldn't if we hadn't had gone.

 Senator John McCain questions whether I have experience enough to deal with Iraq, but the fact is that he's old. No one faints at his rallies... unless they forgot their heart medication because they're as old as he is. And I do have experience: Experience at not going to war. That's why not having gone to Iraq is the perfect solution for me. It's one I'm uniquely able to espouse and have been consistent on. Years ago I said we shouldn't invade Iraq, and that is still my solution.

 A few have said that not going to Iraq isn't a solution anymore since we already have gone there. I hear your concern and I have three words for you: Hope. Change. The future.

 That's right: The future. And not just any future; a future where we look forward and say, "We shouldn't have gone to Iraq."

Barack Obama is a U.S. Senator from Illinois who enjoys nap time and finger painting. He is running for president.

Rating: 2.7/5 (40 votes cast)

Comments (49) | Editorials
We're Almost There
Posted by Frank J. at 10:21 AM | Email This

A number of readers have e-mailed me about NASA's kinetic attack on the moon. I want to assure you I am involved. I've been working with the federal government to coordinate both the DoD and NASA to nuke the moon. We first started by having each do independent project -- the DoD shooting a satellite in space and NASA with this project -- and then they will work together for a tactical nuclear strike against the moon. President Bush really wants this done before he leaves office so his legacy will be "that guy who nuked the moon and was totally awesome."

Rating: 2.5/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (12)
Can't Avoid the Liberal Fascism
Posted by Frank J. at 09:51 AM | Email This

Congratulation to Jonah Goldberg for now making number one on the New York Times bestseller list with his book Liberal Fascism. The great thing is now the New York Times will have in it the phrase "Liberal Fascism" in bold.

BTW, I realize I haven't said anything about the passing of William F. Buckley. I couldn't think of anything to say without sounding a bit like a poseur. Like all conservatives, I owe a lot to him even if all I directly took from him was to end my responses to hate mail with the phrase "cordially."

Rating: 2.7/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (10)
February 27, 2008
A Little Help?
Posted by Harvey at 09:29 PM | Email This

Regarding this quote over the Obama-in-a-turban flap:

Maggie Williams, campaign manager for Clinton, played down the significance of the picture.

"If Barack Obama's campaign wants to suggest that a photo of him wearing traditional Somali clothing is divisive, they should be ashamed," she said. "Hillary Clinton has worn the traditional clothing of countries she has visited and had those photos published widely."

Apparently the traditional clothing of every country that Hillary has visited consists entirely of pantsuits. I Googled my fingers bloody, and the only non-PIAPS, non-photoshopped pictures I found of Hillary was her pointy-hat-and-cackle shot.

If ANYONE can find a picture of Hillary wearing "traditional clothing of countries she's visited", PLEASE leave a link in the comments.

According to Clinton's flack hack, this should be the easiest task you've ever undertaken.

Rating: 2.2/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (23)
Good for Obama
Posted by Frank J. at 07:54 PM | Email This

Obama said he believes the Constitution recognizes and individual right to bear arms which means he at least has basic reading comprehension. While stating this simple fact, though, he still managed to say something stupid.

I'm starting to think this is going to be a fun election.

Rating: 2.4/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (21)
Did the Democrats Screw Up... Again?
Posted by Frank J. at 04:01 PM | Email This

Some polling is showing that people are already realizing that Obama is a twit when it comes to anything serious. I know its not common wisdom, but I think McCain is about the strongest candidate we could put against Obama for the general election. We have a war on, and Obama is a useless indulgence in serious times. When we finally have the two in a debate on foreign affairs, will Obama even be able to challenge McCain on anything? It would be like a freshman trying to lecture the professor.

And, despite the polling to the contrary, I think Hillary would have been a stronger candidate for the Democrats in the end... not that I can be proven right or wrong on that point.

Rating: 2.2/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (30)
Clinton Camp Claims Smear Over Pointy Hat Photograph
Posted by Harvey at 12:23 PM | Email This
"They dressed me up like this. And this isn't MY nose, it's a false one."

WASHINGTON (AP) - Hillary Clinton's campaign team yesterday accused Barack Obama's beleaguered staff of mounting a desperate dirty tricks operation by circulating a picture of her dressed in black and wearing a pointy hat, feeding into false claims of right-wing websites that she is a witch.

Aides for Obama did not deny distributing the picture but claimed it was not designed to be a smear. However, Clinton's campaign manager, Maggie Williams, described it as "the most shameful, offensive fear-mongering we've seen from either party in this election".

The picture was taken when Clinton visited the set of "The View" and was dressed by the show's hostesses in the traditional garb of a feminist elder. Internet rumors have long ascribed malevolent supernatural powers to the former First Lady, and many insist that only Clinton's status as a concubine of the Prince of Darkness could possibly explain President Bush's brief stint as a newt.

In retaliation, the Clinton campaign has released pictures of Obama dressed as Garth Brooks, in what Obama's team calls "a sleazy attempt to play on America's irrational fear of inbred hillbilly country music superstars".

Rating: 2.8/5 (25 votes cast)

Comments (27) | Newsish Fakery
Policy Differences: Clinton's Health Care Plan Covers All Americans; Obama's Plan Doesn't Cover Phil Pinsky
Posted by Frank J. at 11:03 AM | Email This
Obama's health care plan neglects to cover Phil Pinsky because he's creepy.
While there have been many arguments between Senators Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama in their campaigns for the presidency, there has been little difference in their policy proposals. One place they do differ is in their plans for universal health care. While Clinton's plan is truly universal health care and will make sure every single America is insured, Obama's plan will neglect to insure Phil Pinsky of Bagley, Minnesota.

"It is important that every American has access to health care," Obama told a swooning crowd in Ohio, "except for Phil Pinsky. That guy is creepy. I refuse to be a part of keeping him healthy."

Clinton was quick to seize on this difference between their stances. "While I would not envy the doctors that would have to go near him, Phil Pinsky should still get health care. Just because the guy is seriously weird does not mean he should die. If I believed that everyone I don't like should die, then most people would be dead."

Obama later responded saying, "Once again, Senator Clinton has twisted my words. I did not say Phil Pinsky should die. He can get his own health care. I just won't be a part of it because that guy is creepy. Just look at him; he's probably a pedophile."

The Republicans have so far not entered this debate. A GOP spokesman told us, "This argument is pointless. For the cost of keeping one American healthy, we can kill a thousand foreigners. I think most people would agree that's a great trade-off... especially when the American in question is someone as creepy as Phil Pinsky.

Rating: 1.9/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (10) | Newsish Fakery
Don't Vote for Him Because His Name Is Funny
Posted by Frank J. at 10:24 AM | Email This

Obama's middle name has been made an issue again when McCain denounced someone for saying it over and over to rile up a crowd. Obama has a odd name and basically the name of two of America's enemies (and his first name is pretty similar to a monster character from Mortal Kombat with blades on his arms) and it's funny to point it out sometimes, but it is pretty cheap mention it as an actual political strategy. The guy is an empty-rhetoric liberal; we should be able to take him on even if he had a cool name like Tiger Woods.

And at least his name ain't Huckabee. That one is just plain stupid. If we had a leader named that, other countries would make fun of us and with good cause. How do you even get a name like Huckabee? At some point there was some Huckabee ancestor who said, "I'm going to call myself Huckabee! Hyuk! Hyuk!"? Obama sounds like an actual name from some culture, but Huckabee is stupid everywhere. I would never vote for someone named Huckabee.

Rating: 2.4/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (20)
February 26, 2008
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 03:40 PM | Email This

Does Barack Obama have any legislative accomplishments?


Rating: 2.2/5 (31 votes cast)

Comments (21) | Fun Trivia
lolterizt! Part 36
Posted by Harvey at 12:09 PM | Email This

Once again, pass 'em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don't be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.

in your store.jpg

leisure suit larry.jpg
[reference link]

my implants.jpg

not fashionable.jpg

when youre a jet.jpg

From Darrin:
big kitten.jpg

From Corey:
choo choo.jpg

From DamnCat:
[reference link]

From Sir Andrew of The Federalist:

From acrazymic:
jihillary 08.jpg

From Joel:
potpie hair.jpg

From AlanABQ:

From Erik Wit:


#1: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won't end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

SOURCE NOTE: Snapped Shot - unerringly finds propagantastic photos staged by the MSM and makes my job easy.

Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and - if they aren't obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don't suck too terribly bad - I'll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

Rating: 2.3/5 (25 votes cast)

Comments (5) | lolterizt
Everyone Knows Ron Paul
Posted by Frank J. at 10:22 AM | Email This

Whatever happened to the Ronulans? Did they catch their comet? Anyway, here's an interesting poll that asks whether people will definitely vote for or against a certain candidate. For Ron Paul, 10% would definitely vote for him while 59% would definitely vote against him. That means 69% of Americans have a strong opinion on Ron Paul (only 67% had such an opinion on McCain). If the Ronulans' goal was to get Ron Paul's name out there, they really succeeded.

Rating: 2.5/5 (24 votes cast)

Comments (24) | Ron Paul, Ron Paul, Ron Paul
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 09:46 AM | Email This

Why does Obama want to invade Pakistan and have talks with Iran?


Rating: 2.4/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (14) | Fun Trivia
February 25, 2008
Let's Play Dess Up with the Americans!
Posted by Frank J. at 05:18 PM | Email This

The whole imbroglio with Obama dressing up like who is name is usually confused with I think marks a good time to review the practice of American officials going to foreign countries and dressing in their local garb. Just look at this:

President Bush preparing for his new job at the Ministry of Magic.

First question: Did President Bush's staffers confirm this was actual local attire and not some joke? I mean, see someone behind him wearing a suit and looking much less idiotic in comparison; are we certain foreigners aren't like, "Hey! The American President is visiting! Let's see what kind of idiotic thing we can trick him into wearing this time!" They're all probably just laughing behind our backs. And do we ever do this to foreign dignitaries visiting us, like handing a Saudi prince the traditional America garb of a pair of jeans, a "I'm with Stupid" t-shirt, and a John Deere cap and seeing if he'll put that on instead of the usual bed sheet he's draped in?

If I were president, I would never play dress up. In fact, not only would I always wear a suit no matter where I visit, I will not talk to any foreigners unless they are wearing suits. You may call that cultural imperialism, but the fact is our culture won the culture wars and everyone needs to grow up and start bowing to that. If you try and talk to me wearing some crazy "local attire," I will declare war on your country. If you try and make me wear some stupid outfit, I will declare extra war. So, I don't care how poor your country is; you better scrounge up enough money to send your leaders to the men's section at Sears if you don't want to be destroyed by America. It's Men's Wearhouse or death; your choice.

Rating: 2.3/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (29)
Who Would Want to Assassinate Barack Obama?
Posted by Frank J. at 03:40 PM | Email This

Obama supporters keep bringing up worries that someone is going to assassinate him just like Martin Luther King and John F. Kennedy because Obama is charismatic and preaches hope. Come on. MLK and JFK both had accomplishments. You actually have to do something to give someone a reason to hate and kill you. If you asked a potential assassin what he hated so much about Obama, he'd be just as stumped as Obama's idiotic supporters when asked for an Obama accomplishment. Obama is too insubstantial to hate. It's like hating air. Not going to happen.

Rating: 2.4/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (34)
Obama Stripped of Blackness, 2008 Dem Race Now Only Half-Historic
Posted by Harvey at 12:25 PM | Email This

NEW ORLEANS (AP) - After failing to attend the 2008 State of the Black Union event last Saturday in New Orleans, officials at the forum voted overwhelmingly to strip Presidential candidate Barack Obama of his blackness, forcing the unprecedentedly historic Democratic primary race to become a much less historic contest between a young white man and an old white woman.

Barack Obama with blackness (left) and without (right).

The forum's founder, Tavis Smiley, explained why Obama's blackness was forcibly removed. "Some people think that 'black' is just a skin color. While true when it comes to filling quotas, the fact is that Obama just isn't black enough where it counts. He doesn't rap, can't shoot hoops, and he's been known to break bread with whitey without saying a Grace that invokes white guilt over slavery. Besides, he didn't show up at our forum, like a REAL black man would. Therefore we have voted to strip Obama of his blackness, victimhood, rhythm, mojo, and pimp cane."

Former presidential candidate Joe Biden said that this would cause a major shift in his endorsement strategy. "With his blackness gone, Obama just doesn't seem as clean, bright, and articulate as he used to. I may have to throw in with the bitter, stupid, weepy white woman now."

For his part, Obama dismissed the significance of having his blackness removed. "I'm every bit as much an African-American as I always was. Sure, I'm only the half-black son of an East-African immigrant instead of the 100% black descendant of West-African slaves, but that's completely irrelevant. I've still got a nappy head, fat nose and puffy lips! And I'm down with the street! 'Yo, yo, my house boys, I am chilling!' See?"

Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton, who DID show up for the SotBU event, was honorarily awarded Obama's blackness, but quickly had it taken back from her after she failed to successfully perform that finger-waggle-neck-wobble thing while saying "oh no you di-int!".

Rating: 2.6/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (30) | Newsish Fakery
Picture Proof Obama Muslim!
Posted by Frank J. at 09:44 AM | Email This

Aieee! Obama is a Muslim!

Obama in his usual Senate attire.

He's going to eat our babies!

Apparently a Hillary staffer is distributing it, and Drudge helpfully provides pictures of other leaders visiting countries and wearing the local costumes. We have to stop that practice. We're America, the powerful and awesome country there ever was, and people that don't dress like us all look extremely stupid. Because they are stupid. Because they aren't emulating us.

Don't encourage them.

Rating: 2.5/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (29)
Why Obama Bad?
Posted by Frank J. at 09:05 AM | Email This

This election could be tricky. We all know why we hate Hillary, but most of us have yet to figure out why we hate Barack Obama who is looking more and more likely to be the nominee. If someone comes up to you and says, "Obama is awesome! He's so hopey!" how will you respond?

Rating: 2.3/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (39)
February 23, 2008
Saturday Open Thread
Posted by spacemonkey at 12:11 PM | Email This

If Obama wins the nomination will Clinton be the Dem. nominee? I foster that hope. Can I convince you of it?

Isn't it funny that the NYT story about Maverick rumored him to have an affair with Iseman? So Top Gun-Ish, I wonder if there's a story about Jester and Goose on the horizon.

Of course the thread is open. So have at it.

Rating: 2.2/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (50)
February 22, 2008
Not Substantive, Just Fun
Posted by Harvey at 09:12 PM | Email This

Since we may be losing Hillary after next Tuesday, we better get busy making fun of her before she gets passed over for the VP nod, goes postal, wastes 20 people at the Democratic convention and completes her inevitable downward skid from Britney-pathetic to referred-to-by-three-names tragic.

I got this postcard in the mail prior to the Wisconsin primaries, which prominently features Hillary's best "I'm looking forward to the bright tomorrows that my administration will bring" look:

Hillary postcard.jpg

My first thought was that if you turn her around, she'd look right at home on a Communist Party flag:

hillary commie flag.JPG

And as I continued to gaze at this not-airbrushed-enough visage, I began to wonder... what is she thinking about in this picture?

My answers in the extended entry.

Yours in the comments, please.


Rating: 2.5/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (30) | Election 2008
If Obama Gets His Way, Only Johnny Depp Will Have Guns
Posted by Frank J. at 11:47 AM | Email This

Obama wants to ban all semi-automatic firearms? What isn't a semi-automatic firearm? Those pistols pirates use?

Not only that, but Barrack Obama only recognizes civilian gun ownership for "hunting and target shooting." So the reason the Founding Father put in the 2nd Amendment is because they really liked target shooting?

Seriously, though, we need to start getting in people's heads that self-defense is the most fundamental human right. I wouldn't trust anyone who doesn't understand that.

Rating: 2.1/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (67)
Obama and Those Rasically '60s Radicals
Posted by Frank J. at 11:12 AM | Email This

Apparently Obama used to like to hang out with '60s terrorists... unrepentant ones at that. This may seem bad, but if you look at the record of Ayers and Dohrn, the only people they ever successfully killed with their bombs were their own members. That makes them heroes.

Anyway, this seems about right for Obama: He's too squishy to advocate violence, but he's a dumb enough lefty to think its cool to hang out with those who do.

So where does hanging out with '60s terrorists fall: Is it hope or change?

Rating: 1.9/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (24)
An Idea
Posted by Frank J. at 10:43 AM | Email This

Maybe if the New York Times really likes a Republican candidate, they should smear him instead of endorsing him. That's seems to be infinitely more helpful.

Rating: 2.4/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (13)
February 21, 2008
Can Lame Ducks Blow Up Satellites in Space?
Posted by Frank J. at 06:26 PM | Email This

I was thinking: You can call President Bush a lame duck, but apparently he just woke up one day and said, "Know what would be awesome? If we shot a satellite in space with a missile. That would kick ass. Go do it." And it was done. That's awesome power right there. Totally awesome.

And think of the message it sends to America's enemies: "Look at what we did to something in space. You're on the ground, though. You're nothing. We can hit you easy." We should totally blow up more stuff in space to scare everyone else... like maybe the moon.

Rating: 2.7/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (39)
Stuck in Afghanistan
Posted by Frank J. at 05:08 PM | Email This

IMAO is happy to hear that, after their helicopter had to have an emergency landing in Afghanistan, that Senators Kerry, Biden, and Hagel are all right. We know the military will be working hard to get them back home, but we'd like to remind them that's there's no rush. We have like ninety-seven other Senators. We're good.

Rating: 2.5/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (47)
Can We Combine Hope and Change? Yes We Can!
An Editorial by Senator Barack Obama
Posted by Frank J. at 01:55 PM | Email This

 Chocolate. Peanut butter. Each great things on their own, but when Albert Einstein discovered the two could be combined into something even greater, he was rightly hailed as a genius. Hope and change are each great things on their own, but I say it's time we combine them into a tasty peanut butter cup of progress.

 The American people seem to be desperate for hope and change. At each of my campaign stops, people come to me and say, "Osama..." -- not my actual name, but I'm used to it -- "...I like hope. I like change. I like kittens and bunny rabbits. But which should I choose?" I say to these future hopers and changers that there is no need to choose. We can have both hope and change, and then the kittens and the bunny rabbits will come when they sense the great hope and change that America has. With hope and change, anything is possible.

"I call that 'hange' which should not be confused with 'chope' which is the changing of hope."

 People talk about all the problems in the Middle East and how it seems America can do nothing but make it worse. To them I ask: Have you tried hope? Have you tried change? Have you tried hoping for change? I call that "hange" which should not be confused with "chope" which is the changing of hope. If we are worried about Iran getting nuclear weapons, then we should sit down with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and offer him hope. Who needs nuclear weapons when you are protected by hope? As for Pakistan we should offer them change in the form of bombing them or something. If that doesn't work, then we can try offering them hope as well. And, as you know, I vow that we will get our troops out of Iraq. Better yet, I hope we will get our troops out of Iraq. Why? Because it's a change. A change backed by hope.

 Some say I'm arguing we should change in small jumps, but a small jump is a hop, not a hope. What I offer you that no other candidate does it change together with hope. Try and keep that straight even if you keep confusing my name with America's number one enemy. And these are not empty words; hope and change are solutions. They are things I believe in. In the eight times I showed up for a vote in the Senate, when they called my name I said loudly and proudly, "I vote for hope!" When they told me I couldn't do that, I changed my vote to "present." But know that each of those are really a vote for either hope or change. Hope and change are what solve our problems. If you have a problem, I say you try applying hope to it. If that doesn't work, try change. If the problem persists, try hope once more. Then make sure it's plugged in. This should solve most any problem, or at least it helped when I had trouble with my new computer.

 So why do we need both hope and change? Isn't hope enough? Let me tell you a story. One night when the baby was crying and smelled horrible, my wife and I tried to solve the situations through hope. It didn't work. Change was needed. Similarly, once a homeless man came to me and asked for change. I offered him hope, but he was not satisfied. You see, hope must be backed by change.

 Am I saying all hope and change is good? No. One change I don't like is when people change my name to "Osama." Please stop that. I know it's only a one letter difference and easy to confuse, but come on. As for hope, I am against hope that America will be destroyed. That's just something my wife and I will have to agree to disagree about. Am I saying that hope and change can solve everything? No. I have yet to come up with a hope and change solution to an asteroid heading towards earth, but I am working on it. So as your president, I will do my best to sort good hope from bad hope and good change from bad change and occasionally use something other than hope or change if needed. Still, I will strive to use both hope and change for most everything, and I will task our best philosophers on using hope and change to protect us from all things, including asteroids. And zombies.

 So, for the cause of a greater America, can we combine hope and change? Yes we can, America. Yes we can.

 Or so I hope.

Barack Obama is a U.S. Senator from Illinois whose greatest accomplishment is having written this editorial for IMAO... though most of it was borrowed from a previous work by Deval Patrick.

Rating: 3.0/5 (36 votes cast)

Comments (49) | Editorials
Obama Meets Edwards to Seek Endorsement, Swap Wives
Posted by Harvey at 11:13 AM | Email This

DURHAM, N.C. (AP) - Presidential hopeful Barack Obama travelled to John Edwards's Chapel Hill home last Sunday to discuss the possibility of Edwards endorsing Obama's candidacy and to swap wives.

Edwards looks to help Obama make history and get freaky.

"As the last serious Democratic candidate to drop out of the 2008 race, Edwards still has a lot of followers," said Obama. "Getting his endorsement would lend even greater legitimacy to my historic run for the White House. Also, I enjoy nailing white women, and Elizabeth really makes me 'go up in the polls', if you know what I mean."

Now that Edwards has dropped out, he's relishing his new role as "kingmaker" in the Democratic primaries almost as much as he relishes the sexual libertinism of his open marriage. "With the Democrats down to two candidates, my endorsement - and my 61 delegates - could end up making the difference in who gets the nod at the convention. It's a heavy responsibility and a difficult choice. Deciding to get busy with Michelle Obama was MUCH easier. Once I saw her do that butt-vibrating booty-shake thing of hers, I knew I had to get me some of that brown sugar."

Although Edwards has not yet openly committed his endorsement to Obama, the nation's first serious black presidential candidate was cautiously optimitic about his chances of getting both Edwards's blessing and hot wife-swapping action. "Edwards and I share a lot of positions: ending the war, fighting poverty, and universal health care. Not to mention doggy style, and reverse cowgirl. I honestly don't think Hillary can say the same thing, since she supported the war and is strictly missionary."

America's first serious woman presidential candidate dismissed the rumors circulating about the meaning of the Edwards-Obama meeting. "Just because they've talked doesn't mean that Edwards will definitely be giving Obama his patronage or access to his wife's intimate body parts," said Hillary. "Everyone knows that the Clintons have a lot of pull in the Democratic party, and if Edwards cares about his political future, he'll throw his weight and his wife my way."

Rating: 2.3/5 (28 votes cast)

Comments (23) | Newsish Fakery
For the First Time in My Adult Life, I'm Proud of America
Posted by Frank J. at 09:54 AM | Email This

Isn't it amazing to think how humanity made it from a primitive people living in caves sharpening spears to launching spy satellites into space... and then blowing up those satellites with missiles launched from sea when we no longer needed them. I think the lesson there is don't @#$% with America.

Rating: 2.6/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (42)
February 20, 2008
Didn't They Just Endorse Him?
Posted by Frank J. at 10:10 PM | Email This

Now that the New York Times is in full attack mode, don't you already like McCain more?

Rating: 2.4/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (38)
Shooting a Spy Satellite
Posted by Frank J. at 02:06 PM | Email This

If we miss the spy satellite and its hazardous fuel gets spread over the earth, is it going to cause people to become zombies because it sounds like exactly the sort of thing that would. I'm going to go buy more shotgun shells just in case.

Rating: 2.1/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (41)
The Competency of Obama
Posted by Frank J. at 11:23 AM | Email This

People keep getting stumped when asked to name an accomplishment of Barack Obama, so I thought I'd help. Barack Obama has been a U.S. Senator for a little over three years now. In that time, there have been 1,114 votes. That's almost one vote a day. That means about once a day, Obama has had to stand up and decide whether to vote "yea" or "nay"... or "present" (he likes present, especially for the tough votes; maybe he didn't know how to vote, but at least he felt strongly enough to show up). Despite that grueling schedule, Obama has only missed about a sixth of those votes. Now most of that has been in the last year where he's missed over a third of the votes, but that's because after his first two years of "yea," "nay," and "present" voting, he felt he was good enough to be president. Some of you may say that doesn't excuse him of not showing up for crucial bills to vote "present," but I think Obama has clearly already displayed his competency at voting on stuff, and I don't know what more you want from him. It's time we give him more responsibility... such as maybe a job where he has four multiple choice answers to questions (with the fourth answer being "I don't know" -- he'll like that one). And isn't that essentially what the job of U.S. President is?

I'm really asking; I have no idea. I've never been president.

Rating: 2.5/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (59)
Mindless Huck
Posted by Frank J. at 10:25 AM | Email This

So do you think we can get to not talking and not hearing about Huckabee again soon? I think his campaign is now as officially pointless as Ron Paul's... or even more pointless. Huckabee doesn't even offer anything different to the election other than being even more of a RINO. We chose our RINO, Huck; go home.

Rating: 2.3/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (24)
Just So I'm On Record...
Posted by Frank J. at 02:33 AM | Email This

If the Democrats nominate Obama, McCain is going to win in a landslide.

You heard it here first.

Rating: 2.7/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (47)
February 19, 2008
IMAO Exit Poll For Democrats
Posted by RightWingDuck at 04:44 PM | Email This

We at IMAO strive to provide the most up to date and factual information available anywhere. If you're a Democrat who voted today, please take a moment and fill out our exit poll.

Thank You.

For Whom Did You Vote?
I'm a Racist. So I voted for Hillary.
I'm a Misogynist. So I voted for Obama
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Rating: 2.3/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (32)
Michelle Obama Apologizes: My Remarks Were Plagiarized
Posted by RightWingDuck at 01:46 PM | Email This

Michelle Obama's comments recently raised eyebrows when she claimed, "For the first time in my adult lifetime, I’m really proud of my country.” In a prepared statement, Michelle Obama apologized claiming that her comments, much like her husband's speeches, were plagiarized.

"America is a tremendous source of pride, not just because Obama is doing well in the elections. Other states are very proud to be American, even states that voted for Hillary Clinton." The speech, which reflects little pride in American accomplishments, was written for another great leader, but unfortunately that leader is stepping down after 49 years in power.

Michelle vowed that her apology was sincere and from the heart. She says that she was and still is, proud to be an American but that "it depends on what the meaning of the word 'is' is."

Rating: 2.3/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (61)
Hippie Punching FAQ
Posted by Frank J. at 12:36 PM | Email This

Unfortunately, American society has gotten lax on hippie punching to the point I thought I should write an FAQ to better explain the issue to those who don't currently engage in the punching of hippies. Hopefully one day this will all become so natural again that a hippie punching FAQ will be about as necessary as a flipping people off in traffic FAQ.


Q. Where is best to punch a hippie?
A. About the face. That's where the hippie is most annoying.

Q. What is a hippie?
A. Generally, a hippie is an annoying, useless. Actually, less than useless, as they are not happy until they prevent other people from being useful as well. In fact, Scientists have determined that the only evolutionary purpose of a hippie is for punching as a stress release for productive members of society.

Q. Are there any other uses for hippies than punching them?
A. No, there are no other uses.

Q. Couldn't they be ground up and used as chum?
A. They're too gummy.

Q. Where do hippies come from?
A. There's basically waste products of a productive society, as they only come from middle class to upper middle class families. Thus its important for parents to make sure they tell children the importance of not being a hippie while also making them cut the lawn and do other non-hippie, productive activities.

Q. Where can hippies be found?
A. Their main habitat is the college campus and can be found in the vicinity thereof. Occasionally they have mass migrations to city areas to work as a large group (a group of hippies is known as a "protest") to make loud noises and annoy people. In this way, they are like geese, except with more excrement. Also, they have large puppets.

Q. What are the benefits of punching hippies?
A. What aren't? It gives you exercise, increases your intelligence and sexual prowess, helps the economy, defeats terrorism, and helps orphans find families. Also, scientists say that each time you punch a hippie, they get one step closer to curing cancer.

Q. Hippies smell. Do I have to worry about getting that smell on my fist?
A. Always carry around hand sanitizer in case you punch a hippie. Make sure to put it on your knuckles.

Q. Is it okay to punch a hippie on a Sunday?
A. Check local laws. Some counties have blue laws preventing striking hippies on a Sunday. Other think that's the best day for punching hippies.

Q. Just to be clear, are you talking about physically striking hippies or are you talking metaphorically about "punching" hippies through rhetorical means or through your actions against narcissistic hippie ideals?
A. Can't it be both?

Q. Well, one of those is a valid point and the other I'm pretty sure is assault.
A. Maybe you're a hippie.

Q. Since you're writing both sides of this FAQ, you're actually accusing yourself of being hippie.
A. Shut up. I really hate you.

Q. Now this is getting a little weird.
A. You're the reason dad never loved me!

Q. Dude.
A. Why won't you die!

Q. Okay... let's dial this down a little. It's not me you're angry at. It's them. They're the ones at fault. Remember?
A. Are you going to have me hurt people again?

Q. That is not your concern. You do what I tell you, or I will make your life miserable. Do you understand?
A. I understand.

Q. Where does the term "hippie" come from?
A. It's derived from the word hipster.

Rating: 2.8/5 (85 votes cast)

Comments (32) | Know Thy Enemy
lolterizt! - Part 35: Crowded Out Edition
Posted by Harvey at 11:32 AM | Email This

I've gotten so many entries lately that there's only room for one token entry from me this week.

Which makes me giddy with delight, because a mocked terrorist is a powerless terrorist. Eventually any time a Muslim screams "JIHAD!" people will just point & laugh instead of pre-emptively adopting Sharia Law to appease the Arab Street *cough*France*cough*.

Anyway, pass 'em around, spread the love, and if you post your own, don't be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.

From Harvey:
bike hostage.jpg

From Geah:
cry cheese.jpg

Two from Xaetognath:
iz zis big.jpg

No, this big.jpg

From Michael:

From Thomas:
hat head.jpg

From Corey:
no pantz.jpg

From acrazymic:
clearance vest.jpg

From Joel:
potpie head.jpg

From AlanABQ:
Rock on Nutjob.jpg

From badmartin:
fixed drain.JPG

From Erik Wit:
terrorist pile.jpg

From Melissa:

From McBain:
dirty lens.jpg


#1: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won't end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

SOURCE NOTE: Snapped Shot - unerringly finds propagantastic photos staged by the MSM and makes my job easy.

Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and - if they aren't obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don't suck too terribly bad - I'll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

Rating: 2.0/5 (27 votes cast)

Comments (10) | lolterizt
Small Comfort
Posted by Frank J. at 10:31 AM | Email This

It's going to be hard for conservatives this election if we not only don't have a conservative candidate, but we also don't have Hillary to kick around. At least it seems that Obama's wife may be another Teresa Heinz. The big news now is how this privileged woman says she has never been proud of America until it considered making her husband president. Maybe she was just being overzealous and didn't consider her words well, but I still remember how a year ago she claimed that Barack Obama, as a black man, could be shot going to the gas station... and I don't even have any clue where that was coming from.

So, Obama will be trickier to run against, but at least he brings with him his own source of crazy.

Rating: 2.2/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (32)
Cuba Libre?
Posted by Frank J. at 09:28 AM | Email This

Castro has resigned as president of Cuba to spend more time with being dead. In a couple of days there will be a new election with the candidates being Castro's brother and a severe beating and imprisonment.

It's expected to be close.

Rating: 2.5/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (10)
February 18, 2008
The fragility of life . . .
Posted by Cadet Happy at 06:33 PM | Email This

There was a horrible auto accident today in Germany that should give us all pause to consider what's really important during this heated political season. I almost cried when I saw this picture. It is absolutely gut wrenching. This picture may be kind of hard to take - if you look closely you can see what appear to be some survivors of the accident still in the wreckage. Although the picture is quite graphic, it makes you realize how quickly our loved ones can be taken from us. It also clearly shows the importance of being properly strapped in. Apparently a group of Irish tourists stayed on scene to help, and even though they performed mouth to mouth on quite a few of them, none apparently survived.


Rating: 2.5/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (22)
Theft Most Petty
Posted by Frank J. at 05:01 PM | Email This

Some conservatives have been trying to make a big deal about Obama plagiarizing his speeches, but does anyone really care who has the original ownership of that meaningless pap? Theft-wise, it's like stealing a handful of styrofoam peanuts. Who cares?

Rating: 2.3/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (35)
Will Republicans Have an Opportunity to Get the Black Vote?
Posted by Frank J. at 12:54 PM | Email This

I keep hearing that the Democrats could be on the verge of an all out race war if they use their superdelegates to make Hillary their nominee over Obama.

That would be awesome.

There are lots of people of color who only don't vote for Republican because of the fact that they don't vote for Republicans. It's very frustrating, because we know there are votes there but aren't sure any effort will get them to pull the lever for someone with an 'R' by his name. Lately, blacks have been voting Democrats over Republicans something like 90% versus 10%. But guess what? That's also how they split in the primaries in Obama versus Hillary. If Hillary takes the nomination anyway -- completely disregarding the vote through the use of superdelegates -- that could make people so mad that it could finally tear down that wall that came up some time during last century that keep blacks from flocking to the Republicans.

We just have to hope that Hillary will be that arrogant and the Democrats that stupid... and there is nothing Hillary likes more than being arrogant and the Democrats enjoy more than being stupid.

Rating: 3.0/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (28)
I Knew the Britney Spears Breakdown Had Something to Do with Middle East Terror!
Posted by Frank J. at 11:59 AM | Email This

I keep thinking my DVR is a conspiracy theorists, because anytime I switch to FOX News it has the abbreviated description as "The important stories of the day are related..."

Rating: 2.4/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (36)
Presidents Day Questions
Posted by Frank J. at 11:24 AM | Email This

* So, how many people actually get this day off? Like, if I put up a great post today, will pretty much no one see it because they're too busy celebrating the life of Millard Fillmore?

Yeah, you're probably saying, "When was the last time you had a great post?" Know what? Screw you. Genius comes when genius comes.

* Anyone know anything about Grover Cleveland other than that he serves two non-consecutive terms? I mean, without looking him up on Wikipedia?

I can assume his first term must have been mediocre, and whoever served after him must have sucked, but I don't know anything for sure except that he screws up the count of how many presidents there were since he usually gets counted twice.

* Who was the best one term president? I say hands down it was Polk, but does anyone else have a favorite? BTW, he has to have completed one term, so it can't be someone who was a really popular president but wasn't reelected because he was dead, i.e., Kennedy.

Rating: 2.5/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (45)
Presidents Day
Posted by Frank J. at 08:59 AM | Email This

Today is Presidents Day. If you're a president, thank you for your service.

Rating: 2.3/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (24)
February 17, 2008
Sunday Open Thread
Posted by spacemonkey at 10:02 AM | Email This

Suggested topics:

RKBA (If you don't know what this stands for, you may be a troll).

Free Markets.


Whatever floats your boat.

And remember, please keep it PG-13, for the children.

Rating: 2.4/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (57)
February 16, 2008
Saturday Closed, Knotted Thread
Posted by spacemonkey at 12:08 PM | Email This

No Topic.

No Comments.


Rating: 2.7/5 (15 votes cast)

February 15, 2008
Gun Free Zone Rename
Posted by Frank J. at 01:59 PM | Email This

I thought I'd start a separate thread for possible other names for a "gun free" zone.

My ideas:

"Possible Shooting Spree Zone"

"Easy Target Zone"

"Self-Defense Free Zone" (well, I stole that one from a commenter)

"Sheep Zone"

Put your ideas in the comments, and if they're really good, I might read them.

Rating: 2.1/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (118)
On Mass Shootings
Posted by Frank J. at 12:09 PM | Email This

I've gotten so used to conceal carry that the idea that one man can walk into a room with a couple of guns and have unlimited power is quite foreign. I can see that happening hundreds of years ago when settlers with "thunder sticks" came upon primitive tribes, but it's quite out of place for an advanced civilization.

So why the "gun free" zones? I can see those making sense to someone if you only thought about it for one second.

"If we make this a gun free zone, we won't have to worry about violence!"

(one second passes)

"Oh... but criminals don't follow laws. All that will mean is honest citizens will be defenseless. D'oh! I'm so stupid!" (slaps forhead)

No more "gun free" zones (the scare quotes is because they obviously aren't always gun free) people. We should pass a law saying so, or at least pass a law requiring "gun free" zones to post a notice warning people of possible shooting sprees within the premise.

Rating: 2.5/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (41)
February 14, 2008
Truth in Advertising
Posted by Harvey at 12:28 PM | Email This


Apparently John McCain now comes with a warning label.

I wonder who it's for?

* Temporarily not-killed-yet Muslim terrorists.

* That damn beagle who beat him out for Best In Show.

* Kids who've outgrown their childish belief in the Boogeyman... prematurely as it turns out.

* Will Robinson!

* Nobody, actually, it's just the name of McCain's favorite Women's Baseball team.

* Any Republican candidates too pigheaded to drop out of the race whose names - ironically - rhyme with "luckily".

* Bitter old cranks like me who are still pissed that - thanks to Johnny boy - you can't even BUY free speech in this country any more.

* John Connor (even though this is obviously one of those ineffective, rubber-skinned Series 600 jobs)

* Size 14 women who help him move a couch into his van only to wake up at the bottom of a well, where they're told what to do with a bottle of lotion.

Any other ideas?

Rating: 2.7/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (23) | Election 2008
Bah-dah-dah . . .
Posted by Cadet Happy at 12:15 PM | Email This

G. W. Bush and Bill Clinton ended up at the same barbershop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.

The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Clinton in his chair reached for the after shave.

Clinton was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my wife Hillary will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse.'

The second barber turned to Bush and said, 'How about you?'

Bush replied, 'Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.'

Rating: 2.4/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (15)
Happy Valentine's Day!
Posted by Frank J. at 11:27 AM | Email This

I would just like to say that my sweetie, SarahK, is the bestest, and you all suck in comparison to me since she is my wife.

In case you never read it or forgot, here's the story of when we were supposed to first meet face to face and here is when we actually suceeded.

Rating: 1.9/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (26)
I heart Obama?
Posted by Cadet Happy at 10:57 AM | Email This

I was listening to Bill Bennett this morning, and Mark Steyn was a guest. Since it is Valentine's Day, Steyn anyalyzed the relationship between McCain and the Conservative wing of the party in terms of the holiday. He said McCain is like the woman you've been married to for 30 years--you know absolutely everything there is to know about the person, and when you go out to eat, there is nothing to say because everything has been said ten times over. He could have went further, and said McCain is like the girlfriend you stick with for no good reason after she has done you wrong. In any event, that got me to thinking--in modern history which President would you send a Valentine to, and is there any relation to their ultimate success or failure.

2004 -- Bush v. Kerry -- Bush easily would be the one to send a Valentine to. That stiff, arrogant, gold-digging twit Kerry is not good relationship material. Say what you will about Bush, he is loyal, friendly and approachable. Unfortunately, time would prove there wasn't a real "love connection" between Bush and the Conservative base.

2000 -- Bush v. Gore -- Bush wins again for some of the same reasons. Gore is a stiff to the tenth power. If there is a "real" Al Gore, I've never seen him. Also, he was the "best friend" of your last significant other who did you wrong.

1996 -- Clinton v. Dole v. Perot -- Easily Clinton. Say what you will about Clinton, he was/is a charmer--too much so as we learned after his re-election. Perot was just nutty.

1992 -- Bush v. Clinton v. Perot -- Bush Sr. was/is as poorly spoken as his son, but has none of the charm. Its easy to see why people would be ready for a change. Again, Perot was just nutty.

1988 -- Bush v. Dukakis. Luckily for Bush Sr., the Dems ran someone even less engaging than he was. Who can forget Dukakis in that tank. What a weenie. Also, Bush, carried over a lot of that Reagan-love, due to his close association with the Gipper. We would get burned by that nostalgia as it turned out.

1984 -- Reagan v. Mondale. Reagan had all of Clinton's charm, was better looking, plus he was honest. No modern President was better boyfriend material than old Ronaldus Magnus. Stiff Mondale had absolutely no chance and got slaughtered.

1980 -- Reagan v. Carter. Carter was Carter--what more can I say.

1976 -- Carter v. Ford. This one is a bit of an anomaly. Ford was strong, good looking, and athletic (despite the jokes), yet lost a close one to a backwoods hick with teeth like a keyboard after a piano has rolled down a flight of stairs. I liken this one to a situation where your previous significant other has treated you so SO BADLY, that you seek out a rebound that is totally differently. That strategy never works out in the long run, and it sure didn't in this situation.

1972. Nixon v. McGovern. McGovern was weak and soft spoken. You want to date the person who kicks sand in others' faces, not the person who gets sand kicked in his face.

1968. Nixon v. Humphrey. I wasn't alive back then, so I can't really speak to why Nixon was more appealing than Humphrey. I assume he came off as strong (whereas Humphrey was touchy-feely, and came off as too weak in a time of war. Back then the Soviet Union was front and center in the minds of everyone--you kids have no idea what that was like. Humphrey also was "best friends" with the last President, so carried that additional baggage. You don't want to date the best friend of your last significant other.

1964. Johnson v. Goldwater. Goldwater was stiff and stern, whereas Johnson was charming, strong as a bull, and carried over a lot of emotion from the assassination. It kind of reminds me of that scene in Animal House, where Otter pretends to be the boyfriend of a deceased co-ed to get her friends to go out with him. An easy victory.

1960. Kennedy v. Nixon. Nowhere is the Valentine's Day principle more apparent than in relation to this election. Nixon was far and away the better candidate-he was tough, experienced, and well-spoken. Unfortunately, he got out-foxed by "big man on campus" Jack Kennedy. Good looks and charm beat out the good provider every day in the realm of relationships, and this was no different. Jack's back-story had more holes than swiss cheese, but none of us knew it back then.

That brings us to today. McCain v. Clinton--I think in that race, you are dealing with the ugly sister, and her even uglier sister. In that scenario, being forced to choose, I would give my Valentine to McCain. This is kind of like elementary school, where you had to give everyone a Valentine, even those people you didn't like. McCain would get a Valentine like that from me. McCain v. Obama--this is an easy one--Obama in a landslide. He may be lean on ideas, and his policies (to the extent he has any) border on socialism, but he is an appealing, well-spoken, good looking man. I think McCain (who himself says he is old as dirt and looks like Frankenstein) is going to get his clock cleaned if he goes up against Obama in November. Obama is the great catch you hope you can change. We'll see.

Rating: 2.0/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Fisking the Crazy in My Inbox
Posted by Frank J. at 09:15 AM | Email This

I got quite a gem of an e-mail last night. I thought it was like Nigerian spam at first glance, but apparently I got on some crazy e-mail list. The subject is "[0war] WORLD AGAINST WAR I [London to DC (March 2008)]" and it's just beautiful:

WORLD AGAINST WAR I London to DC (March 15-19 2008) -Join us for World Against War I, the antiwar protest for the people and planet.

The planet cares if we war? This is between us people; the planet should stay out of it.

We are a clandestine organization located within the United States forging an underground movement for the people.

At about this point I'm wondering if the FBI knows I got this e-mail.

We are deeply affected by the events following September 11th and the genocide in the Middle east.

No you're not. You probably don't know a single person in the Middle East. But nice to know you're honest about not being affected by the events on September 11th.

Our intention is to disrupt the illegal empire and stop the war machine from functioning from the inside.

Maybe I should forward this to the FBI.

We will engage the enemy, take advantage of vulnerabilities and expose every weakness.

I think you masturbating in your parents' basement is more probable.

We encourage the people to standup and stand strong with confidence, leadership, and continue organizing against every form of struggle.

"Organizing against every form of struggle"? You're against struggling? Like no more open clam shell packaging?

The politicians in America will continue to wage war for glory and the pigs will not stop, until they are jailed for their crimes against humanity.

War for glory? I thought it was a war for oil. No blood for glory?

We call on all free nations of the world, to unite, in our struggle against tyranny and imperialism.

I thought the war was a struggle against tyranny and imperialism... but one that actually accomplishes something. And aren't you against struggling?

The u$ government, International Bankers, war profiteering corporations, along with the president and his administration are guilty.

Well, no arguing with that!

In just four short years, the people of the united states has murdered over one million civilians in Iraq.

Can you prove it was us? Did the CSIs find any GSR on the people of the united states' hands?

The parties representing the American people during the genocide, were the DEMOCRAT and REPUBLICAN Parties.

Which parties? I still can't see. You need to use bigger caps.

The current Democrat and Republican parties that are campaigning for President were DIRECTLY involved in these Crimes Against Peace and will continue using the imperial doctrine.

Well it's nice to know that bipartisanship is still alive and well.

The military war machine continues to feed off the blood of the innocent ruled by the wealthy elite majority.

I think you're trying to shove a little too many concepts into each sentence.

They are now continuing to spread more lies about other countries, breeding hate for the next targets for preemptive invasion.

The other day they told me that Liechtenstein is a very large country.

The American media networks are also guilty of war crimes and crimes against humanity for their involvement in using advanced propaganda techniques against the American people.

Advanced propaganda techniques? Those guys barely understand blogging.

America's dignity and long standing history has been destroyed forever and the people will continue to struggle.

And we have to stop struggles!

We must demand an International tribunal for the entire federal government, media organizations, and all those who participated in these war crimes.

I demand cheesy fries. We should both get used to disappointment.

Rebel States must consider separation from the union to save itself from slavery by the Federal Reserve dollar.

Ron Paul? Is that you?

We the people must use every resource available to save mankind from American politicians and special interest war profiteering corporations who will continue to lobby war for profit with the blood of innocent children.

Dude, you have to break things like this up into multiple sentences. I can't even follow it. You're saving who from what now? Who is profiting off of children blood? If I have some children blood to sell, who should I talk to?

Join us for... WORLD AGAINST WAR I MARCH 15-19 2008

I'll be with you in spirit.



this message has been sponsored by 0War & LOOSE CHANGE http://loose-change-911.com

Those crazy twoofers. What conspiracy will they dream up next?

TRANSLATE http://www.google.com/language_tools?hl=en

I think this message will lose a lot of its subtleties in Hungarian.



Rating: 2.8/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (56)
February 13, 2008
LOL? Doubtful
Posted by Frank J. at 04:16 PM | Email This

IMAO has had a lot more trolls lately, but I have really done much with them. I thought I'd point one out because I found it both interesting and entertaining. This is from "jugger" to my editorial yesterday about punching hippies:

lol, punching those conservatives is fun, try it today damn those conservative hippies, and most know exactly why you do it and help to crush them...uh huh, living with conservative extremeists is bad for your health, punch one today, LMAO

I've noticed this with particularly stupid drive by trolls (usually late to the party) is the overuse of "LOL" and its variations -- usually directed at what they themselves are saying. Why do I get the feeling that those trying to convince us so hard they are "laughing out loud" are probably seething in primitive anger? Trolling is actually an expression of anger -- an impotent lashing out at opinions the troll disagrees with -- so its hard to buy that one of them is laughing while writing. Well... I could see one nervously twittering while writing something like that. What the abbreviation for nervously twittering out loud?

Rating: 1.8/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (61) | I Hate Frank
Good Read
Posted by Frank J. at 03:07 PM | Email This

Here are John Hawkins's postmortems of all the Republican candidates. It's nice to know why each of them lost, but I'm kinda curious how in the world McCain won.

Rating: 2.3/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Posted by Frank J. at 01:42 PM | Email This

When do you think that Ron Paul will finally admit that he can't win, that he's a loser, that his supporters are especially losers, and that they'll always be losers?

Rating: 2.9/5 (29 votes cast)

Comments (43) | Ron Paul, Ron Paul, Ron Paul
The real candidate for change . . .
Posted by Cadet Happy at 01:40 PM | Email This


But what I really want to know is what's the connection between Ron Paul and saw blades at Minneapolis headquarters?


Rating: 2.1/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Obama Courts the Hispanic Vote
Posted by Harvey at 12:34 PM | Email This

AUSTIN (AP) - Ahead of the critically important Texas primaries, presidential hopeful Barack Obama is pulling out all the stops to court the state's Hispanic voters, which make up 25% of the population and which have traditionally supported Hillary Clinton.

"Screw Whitey! Vote for me!... No offense there, honky..."

Obama recently launched a series of ads targeting Hispanics which he hopes will win him friends. In one he speaks of dark-skinned commonality, saying "Brown and black share a long history of American oppression and we are brothers in our suffering, even though you beaners never had to do the slavery thing, and white people don't keep stealing your music and pretending like they invented it."

To further attract his target audience, the commercials contain clips of Obama speaking Spanish, although his heavy repetition of the phrase "el hope-o del change-o" was actually found to be a turn-off by some focus groups.

Obama's campaign director, Mark Alexander, admitted that they faced an uphill battle in Texas.

"It won't be easy," conceded Alexander. "Hispanics are a superstitious lot and many of them fear that if they don't vote for 'La Diabla', she will use her witching powers to visit misfortune upon their families. However, we believe that Obama's clean articularity will coax these people away from the Home Depot parking lot long enough to vote on March 4th."

Rating: 2.0/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (14) | Newsish Fakery
Obama, McCain Victory Thread
Posted by Frank J. at 10:24 AM | Email This

When will Huckabee drop out and admit he's the weaker RINO? What evil will Hillary implement in her desperation? Speculate!

...or write trollish non sequiturs if you're a troll. Whatever you do, have fun!

Rating: 2.5/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (64)
February 12, 2008
Securing a Border
Posted by Frank J. at 03:09 PM | Email This

I like this idea: President Bush is going to fund a border fence for Mexico's southern border. We should call this the "Keep American Illegals Mexican" bill. We only want hard-working, honest Mexican illegal immigrants, not any of those shifty, Hugo Chavez-voting Venezuelans.

Of course, I'm kidding; this is an insane idea. It's so crazy, I think we should consider sending President Bush to Gitmo... something that won't be possible if liberals (and John McCain) get their way and shut it down. Why will they do anything to protect President Bush?

Rating: 2.9/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (107)
Posted by Frank J. at 02:10 PM | Email This

Now that the writer's strike is over, here is what's going to happen to a number of popular shows. Very important information for people like my wife and I (me and my wife? -- I forget which one is grammatically correct there).


My confusion on the grammar was more of an "me" versus "I" thing since I thought "like" was a special verb like "is" where "It is I" is grammatically correct and "It's me" ain't (well, it's not as correct). Taking another look, though, like isn't a verb at all and I actually have a sentence fragment. Oh well.

Rating: 2.6/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (22)
lolterizt! Part 34
Posted by Harvey at 12:20 PM | Email This

Once again, pass 'em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don't be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.

achmeds valentine.jpg

circus freak terizt.jpg


hunting rubble.jpg

zarkawi bigfoot.jpg

From Geah:
fight for.jpg

From Dan:

From acrazymic:
joo rug.jpg

From Joel:
potpie beret.jpg

From McBain:

From AlanABQ:
Allah is it!.JPG

From badmartin:

From Erik Wit:

From Melissa:


#1: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won't end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

SOURCE NOTE: Snapped Shot - unerringly finds propagantastic photos staged by the MSM and makes my job easy.

Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and - if they aren't obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don't suck too terribly bad - I'll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

Rating: 2.1/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (9) | lolterizt
Are Our Kids Punching Hippies?
An Editorial by Frank J.
Posted by Frank J. at 11:17 AM | Email This

 One day when I was but a young boy, I was walking down the street with my dad to the hardware store. He suddenly stopped, crossed the street and punched a man. When he returned, I ask, "Father, why did you punch that man?"

 He turned to me and said, "That's a stupid question." Then he punched me.

"After punching a hippie, do you take the time to explain to those around you why you punched the hippie?"

 It was a stupid question, because who my dad punched was a hippie. Back then, everyone knew that you punched hippies, but I've noticed that this knowledge may not be being passed on to the next generation. If there's one thing I've realized over the past few years is that hippies are not being punched quite enough, and I think the recent incident with Berkeley and the Marines shows the problem of not enough hippie punching. If hippies aren't punched on a consistent basis, they get cocky and will try all sorts of crazy thing. I mean, really, hippies insulting Marines and not expecting a punching? That's a major breakdown in our societal structure.

 So what has led to this dearth in hippie punching? Breakdown in family structure? Loss of prayer in school? Increasing childhood obesity? Prevalence of non-violent videogames? Whatever the reason, I think we need to spend more time telling the next generation the importance of striking hippies in the face with a fist. No functional society has survived hippies running around unpunched, and America will be similarly doomed if we don't change our ways.

 You may say, "Well I punch hippies; I'm doing my part." But after punching a hippie, do you take the time to explain to those around you why you punched the hippie? This may seem like a lot to do for someone who has a job and personal responsibilities -- which you have since you're not a hippie -- but if even just one man hears your words of inspiration and then punches some filthy hippie, wasn't it time well spent?

 We have a war right now. Our military is overseas killing terrorists -- the violent form of the hippie -- so they can't be here punching hippies for us. We have to do that ourselves. To keep this a country safe for soldiers to kill evil foreigners without hearing whiny protests, we have to make it unsafe for hippies.

Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such children's books as "My First Hippie I Punched" and "Don't Feel Sorry for Poor People".

Rating: 2.3/5 (25 votes cast)

Comments (54) | Editorials
Long Live Conservatism!
Posted by Frank J. at 09:43 AM | Email This

People keep talking about the death of conservatism, but notice how all the Republicans at least claimed to be conservative. It's like all those dictatorships that have phony elections; democracy is so popular that every country has to at least pretend to be a democracy. Same with conservatism.

On the other hand, while the Democrats will be getting a liberal as their nominee, he or she sure isn't going to call him or herself that.

As for us true conservatives, we're back to the underground where we work best. We hide in the shadows until we see our hippie prey and we strike! POW! Right in the dumb monkey face!

We may not have high political office, but we will be feared! Muh ha ha ha ha ha!

Rating: 2.6/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (24)
Obama Dooooom!
Posted by Frank J. at 09:21 AM | Email This

So are we really doomed if Obama is nominated? CW seems to be that he's unbeatable despite having absolutely no accomplishments other than going for the world record on repeated use of the word "hope." I don't buy it. If you can get a president elected by nominating some shiny useless bauble, the parties would have exploited that long ago. Let's see how Obama does when he finally gets put by through the wringer (and I'll be there wringing!).

What think you?

Rating: 2.6/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (33)
February 11, 2008
The Rise and Fall of The Third Pike
Posted by Frank J. at 08:17 PM | Email This

Field Marshal Herring announces Germans to blast fish into space

UPDATE: improvements via bunkerboy and FMH

Rating: 2.1/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (23)
Just So You Know
Posted by Frank J. at 02:11 PM | Email This

The same people who conspired to blow up the WTC and blame it on Saudis to get in a war with Iraq are now plotting to take Ron Paul's congressional seat. We can't let this stand!

Rating: 2.6/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (34) | Ron Paul, Ron Paul, Ron Paul
I'll Take One When They Have an iPhone Version
Posted by Frank J. at 12:35 PM | Email This

FOX News had a story today trying to scare people about the existence of a gun disguised as a cell phone. There have been no reports of these in America (nonetheless killed by them), yet they were trying to play up a four-shot .22 like its a national security threat.

First off, why conceal in a cell phone four dinky .22s more likely to wound than kill (and you might as well use a knife at the range its effective) when you can just as easily conceal an actual gun under your coat? I guess the threat is that maybe this gun can make it past security and onto an airplane, but do you think a terrorist can really control a plane full of angry passengers by pointing at cellphone at them?

This is a novelty, not a threat. I can't see anyone other than harmless gun nuts wanting one (BTW, I'll take one).n At least it demonstrates the folly of trying to ban guns by showing how easy it is to make one. Basically, if you have something to hold a bullet and something to strike a bullet, you have a gun.

Rating: 2.7/5 (50 votes cast)

Comments (23) | Frank on Guns
Stupid Liberal Bush Administration
Posted by Frank J. at 11:14 AM | Email This

They're actually charging terrorists at Gitmo?! Like they're actual people?!

What BusHitler should do is just march all the terrorists out in front of the press and then just shoot them all. And shoot the press. Then people would know that Bush's terrorist-oppressing dictatorship is supreme.

Rating: 2.3/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (17)
Frank Suggestions for a McCain Running Mate
Posted by Frank J. at 10:12 AM | Email This

I think it's time to start focusing on McCain being our nominee (and get back to ignoring Mike Huckabee), and that means thinking about a running mate for him. I know none of us are thrilled with McCain, but a good running mate could make his candidacy much more excitement. Here are my ideas:


* Newt Gingrinch: That guy is smart. No one knows conservatism better than him. Then again, McCain will probably just use that knowledge to better screw conservatives.

* John Bolton: A guy with a 'stache like that doesn't take any crap. Other countries hate him, and that's why we love him. He'd be a nice choice just for watching all the hippies squeal in anger.

* Fred Thompson: That would just be so awesome. I might actually like McCain if he has Fred Thompson as a running mate. Also, you can be sure that America's enemies will be looking out for McCain's health because the last thing they would want is something to happen to him and leaving Fred Thompson in charge.

* Mr. T: I know I suggest Mr. T for everything, but he's awesome. I pity the fool who doesn't like Mr. T.

* A Ninja: We were used to the VP being unseen most of the time, so why not someone who hides in the shadows waiting to strike. Plus, he's already in an undisclosed location... right behind you!

* Fear: The Constitution is kinda confusing (they use s's that look like f's in it; no wonder we need nine old lawyers to tell us what it means), but does the vice president have to be a person? Does he even have to be a physical entity? Can it just be a concept? I think it would be perfect for a Republican to run with Fear as his running mate. If you don't like Fear, how about Death?

* Fire: In a compromise between something physical and an intangible concept, how about fire as a running mate? It would be so awesome to see McCain going around the campaign trail followed by fire. Of course, if something happens to McCain and fire has to take office in the White House, it will be 1814 all over again.

* A Robot with Gatling Guns for Arms: Do I really have to explain this one? BTW, its eyes should glow red.

Rating: 2.7/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (33)
Vote or Don't
Posted by Frank J. at 09:03 AM | Email This

It would be kinda cool if McCain loses to Obama because of the youth vote, because then he can say this is as his concession speech:


Rating: 2.1/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (35)
It's Pretty Black or White (No Racism Intended)
Posted by Harvey at 05:41 AM | Email This

In Wisconsin, they're running radio spots for Obama where some hippie gushes that they're voting for Obama because "he'll stop the war in Iraq".

Not "win" or "lose"... "stop".

Friends, there's only two ways to "stop" a war - like Truman stopped Japan, or like Nixon stopped Vietnam.

On this issue, I vote for the Democrat.

Rating: 2.5/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (23)
February 10, 2008
Colder than Hillary Clinton's t$t . . .
Posted by Cadet Happy at 09:47 AM | Email This

It's freakin' cold up here -- 13 below when I got up. But, at least some sun dogs formed to take the edge off.


Rating: 2.8/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (36)
February 09, 2008
Saturday Open Thread
Posted by spacemonkey at 02:28 PM | Email This

Suggested subjects: war, beer, Coulter, bibles, border fences, beef and more Coulter

Also, guns.

Rating: 2.3/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (80)
February 08, 2008
Conservatives Still Win at CPAC
Posted by Frank J. at 06:05 PM | Email This

Congratulations to Ace of Spades: He won blogger of they year at CPAC. That's a choice I can live with. The way things have been going, though, you'd think they'd have awarded it to Andrew Sullivan... or Glenn Greenwald...

Here's John Hawkins's account of seeing Ace. I've talked to John Hawkins before, so it's almost like I've met Ace!

Rating: 2.9/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (22)
I Could (possibly) Vote For McCain, IF...
Posted by spacemonkey at 12:55 PM | Email This

I could (possibly) vote for McCain, IF... He does each of the following:

  • Picks a actual conservative for his VP, no Grahmnesty, Huckabee or Durbin or for the love of all that's Holy, Lieberman, instead somebody like Thompson!!!!, Coburn or Watts.
  • Stops waving his hands down like he's swatting down a dog that's humping his leg, whenever real conservatives boo him for his sins against conservatism.
  • Forgets the name Reagan except when comparing others, who are actually Reaganesque, to the man.
  • Banishes the phrase "straight talk" from his vocabulary. (straight out of a bulls' rear end doesn't make it straight talk)
  • Quits mentioning his POW time in every speech. Except in reference to how life under a Socialist (D-IL) or ( D-NY) would be.
  • Wears a flight helment emblazoned with 'Rhino Maverick' at all public appearances till election day.
  • Cuts off his own left ear with a cheese grater.
  • Admits he was wrong, WRONG, W.R.O.N.G about amnesty.

    Ok, he doesn't have to do all of them, just the first one and last two. The rest are just because I still bear such ill will towards him.

    McCain/Thompson '08!

    Rating: 2.4/5 (14 votes cast)

    Comments (149)
  • The Lovable, Huggable President
    Posted by Frank J. at 11:27 AM | Email This

    Opinion seems to be that Obama is pretty unbeatable. Why? Because he's so charming. He has no accomplishments and no more experience with foreign affairs than the average college student, yet there's a good chance he could be elected president just because he's so darn likable. If this strategy of nominating a nice looking empty suit works, expect future presidential elections to be between two plush toys ("Looks how adorable they are! I can decide which one to pick!").

    Just a reminder: We're currently the most powerful nation in the world and the definitely leader at blowing crap up. Our leader should never be charming. He should be scary. He should appear in the nightmares of our enemies, eating their children. Diplomats should not want to meet with him unless they have numerous armed guards for protection. That's who the leader of the most powerful nation should be.

    Rating: 2.6/5 (17 votes cast)

    Comments (47)
    At Least the McCain Nomination Doesn't Just Suck for Us
    Posted by Frank J. at 10:15 AM | Email This

    Now that the Republican nominee is known but the Democrat one is still up for grabs, the DNC is already trying to rally their base by pitting them against John McCain. I've already gotten a couple "We must stop McCain!" e-mails from them. It's kinda pathetic. That like trying to rally Republicans by telling us "We have to stop Joe Lieberman!"

    Rating: 2.5/5 (14 votes cast)

    Comments (39)
    February 07, 2008
    Goodbye, Mr. Romney
    Posted by Frank J. at 03:17 PM | Email This

    I guess Romney was for us conservatives sort of like our safety college we applied to, but we screwed that up too. Conservatism will make a comeback, though. Perhaps my children will live to see it.

    Rating: 2.8/5 (15 votes cast)

    Comments (130)
    The Future of the Republicans
    Posted by Frank J. at 12:34 PM | Email This

    What now for the Republican Party? It's been in a downward spiral for some time, but it never has seemed to hit rock bottom... at least not enough to try and do any better. Now we can't even get a conservative elected in a Republican primary; can it get much worse?

    I guess the Republicans are like a self-destructive alcoholic, and the Democrats are enablers by sucking so badly that the Republicans don't have to strive to be any better. Now, a party that is an abusive drunk would actually be kinda cool if it took out all its inebriated rage on foreign countries, but the Republican Party is more of a quiet drunk, sitting in the corner mumbling while wasting all its money on booze.

    So, can we build up the Republican Party without having a huge loss first (and apparently it has to be really huge since 2006 wasn't enough)? Are things going to have to suck even more with liberals in charge of all three branches before we can get better? There's a war on, though, and we don't really have time for the Republicans to find themselves.

    The thing is, conservatives just want to fight for something, but we're not sure what we can fight right now. We want to fight terrorists, but we first have to fight the hippies to be able to do that properly. The only problem is that there is no valiant leader shouting, "Strike the hippies now! They are small and weak and shall fall easily to our might!" That's what we Republicans need: A hippie-slaying warrior king. First person to go into Berkeley and trash the hippies will be the new future leader of the Republicans. Hopefully someone will do it soon.

    Rating: 2.2/5 (15 votes cast)

    Comments (60)
    Where's Ron Paul?
    Posted by Frank J. at 11:09 AM | Email This

    So are the Ronulans all dead now, their might felled by common earth bacteria? Just seems like we haven't heard from them in a while.

    Rating: 2.6/5 (24 votes cast)

    Comments (51) | Ron Paul, Ron Paul, Ron Paul
    Searching for Frank J.
    Posted by Frank J. at 10:02 AM | Email This

    John Hawkins is at CPAC, so I'm one of his guest bloggers today at Right Wing News. I just post there my advice to McCain for CPAC, so click over there to read it.

    Do it now!

    Rating: 2.4/5 (17 votes cast)

    Comments (14)
    February 06, 2008
    Posted by Frank J. at 07:09 PM | Email This

    If the Republican ticket is McCain/Huckabee, what should we do? I say we all head down to Mexico, take it over, and make it a conservative utopia.

    Let's be sure to make a border fence, though.

    Rating: 2.4/5 (17 votes cast)

    Comments (82)
    Disloyal Traitors Hauled off to Jail
    Posted by Harvey at 12:55 PM | Email This

    BERKELEY (AP) - Last Friday, 40 Berkeley police officers arrested three protesters from the anti-war group "World Can't Wait" who chained themselves to a Marine recruiting station and tried to prevent people from entering. Protesters scuffled with at least five men who tried to enter the recruiting station. The filthy seditious turncoats were pummeled senseless and dragged to the Berkeley jail where they received lemon juice for their lacerations before being tossed into a lightless pit in a particularly dank sub-basement of the facility.

    Quisling collaborators shortly before being taken away in heavier chains and put into oranger jumpsuits.

    Berkeley Mayor Tom Bates spoke approvingly of the arrests. "Free speech is completely protected in this city, but giving aid and comfort to the enemy in a time of war is beyond the pale. You can take that [expletive deleted] to France, because we won't put up with it here."

    "In MY Berkeley," continued the Mayor, "we support our troops in word AND deed. Anyone who would even THINK about messing with another person's right to voluntarily apply for enlistment in America's Armed Forces is harboring intentions just as antithetical to this country's well-being as any splodey-dope raghead. These disloyal traitors clearly OUGHT to be shot, but we'll start by seeing if a few days of bread & water clears their heads. Nothing straightens out spoiled rotten children of privilege with too much time on their hands like a little deprivation."

    Concerned that outside observers might accuse him of selling out his principles, Bates insisted that his liberal street cred was still completely intact.

    "Don't get me wrong," said Bates, "I still think Bush is an inept, monkey-eared clown with delusions of adequacy who sells poor people into slavery working for Halliburton to kill polar bears while stealing oil and melting the globe, but I also want to win this war, and I'm going to do my part by whatever means necessary."

    Rating: 2.4/5 (18 votes cast)

    Comments (24) | Newsish Fakery
    Could Be Worse
    Posted by Frank J. at 11:46 AM | Email This

    Howard Dean has sent out a mass DNC e-mail on why Democrats need to donate to fight McCain. Basically Dean argues that McCain is not a moderate at all but in fact a right-wing nutjob. It's like he didn't write it for Democrats at all but instead to reassure us conservatives:


    Rating: 2.0/5 (15 votes cast)

    Comments (32)
    Learning to Live with McCain
    Posted by Frank J. at 11:07 AM | Email This

    You can list all you want about what's wrong with McCain, but it's looking pretty certain he's our nominee and I think its more productive to point out what we're doing wrong. Why? Because if something is our fault, it's in our power to fix it.

    If I were to name one thing conservatives are doing wrong with McCain is that our attitudes towards him are too much stick and not enough carrot. If we want McCain to side with us, we have to give him a reason to do it. If he sides against us, we yell at him but he gets praise from the media. If he goes with us, he gets what? How much credit has he gotten from conservatives for his steadfastness on the war?

    When McCain goes against the Democrat nominee, the media is going to turn against him. That will be our opportunity to get McCain on our side. What we have to do is reward him every time he does something conservativey if we want him to behave in a conservative way. It's just like with my dog. When she's bad, I can yell at her all I want and she just gets frustrated. But if instead of just yelling at her I give her a command like "come" or "sit" and praise her for doing it, things turn out better for both of us. Similarly, if McCain even mentions a border fence, we all have to be like, "Good Republican! Good good Republican!" and give money to his campaign. Through positive reinforcement, he'll learn that being conservative is the best way to go.

    So, people, are you read to praise McCain? The fate of America -- and thus the world -- could rest upon it.

    Rating: 1.8/5 (17 votes cast)

    Comments (69)
    What Now?
    Posted by Frank J. at 09:57 AM | Email This

    So why does America hate conservatives? Is it our disdain for poor people? Our hatred for minorities? Or is everyone other than us just a bunch of homos?

    Whatever the reason, I guess we need to find something else to do since we're obviously no longer wanted to be involved in politics. I say we roam the countryside helping those in need and dispensing justice all the while avoiding the law as McCain vows to hunt us down.

    Any other ideas?

    Rating: 2.6/5 (19 votes cast)

    Comments (70)
    Tuesday Super?
    Posted by Frank J. at 09:12 AM | Email This

    So is McCain like the Republican nominee now? I don't really follow this delegate stuff too well, but he seems to have a lot of delegates and the other candidates not so many. Well, I got an e-mail this morning from Old Man McCain which I assume he mass e-mailed to the bloggers:

    It's over for you, you meddling kids! Ha ha ha ha ha!

    I hope his speech at CPAC is different. He needs to make up with conservatives if he wants to win in November.

    Then again, he could be like, "I didn't need you guys for the primary, so why the hell would I need you for the general?" Good point!

    Nothing decided on the Democrats' side other than that they got themselves a nice race war. Yee haw!

    Rating: 2.5/5 (16 votes cast)

    Comments (8)
    February 05, 2008
    Fun Trivia
    Posted by Cadet Happy at 11:55 PM | Email This

    Who won Super Tuesday?


    Rating: 2.6/5 (21 votes cast)

    Comments (25) | I Hate Frank
    I Think We Were All More Tortured by the Constant Whining About Waterboarding
    Posted by Frank J. at 03:27 PM | Email This

    It's confirmed: Three terrorists were waterboarded by the CIA five years ago out of fears of an imminent threat. That's it. No others. Yet how much time have we spent worrying over this technique that causes no lasting harm?

    There are people out there who want to kill us. Wake up, dumbasses. If we can't even be slightly serious about fighting bad people, then its over for us.

    I should mention that McCain is one of the leaders on the "waterboarding must be stopped!" distraction -- another strike against him.

    Rating: 2.4/5 (13 votes cast)

    Comments (48)
    Posted by Frank J. at 02:22 PM | Email This

    Rush Limbaugh endorses Mitt Romney. I think this is the first time Rush has endorses anyone in a Republican primary.

    Too little too late? I'm not very hopeful as of late.

    In other news, first winner this Super Tuesday... Mike Huckabee! (West Virginia... heard it on TV but can't find a link yet)

    Rating: 2.4/5 (15 votes cast)

    Comments (77)
    Posted by Frank J. at 01:32 PM | Email This

    Do you think Ron Paul is upset with Huckabee for splitting the pointless vote?

    Rating: 2.7/5 (19 votes cast)

    Comments (10) | Ron Paul, Ron Paul, Ron Paul
    Super Tuesday Election Results
    Posted by spacemonkey at 01:29 PM | Email This

    With zero percent of 100% of precincts reporting, and my heavy duty prognosticating hat tightly fitted on my head, I am prepared to call a winner.

    I calling it for the Democrats. The Converative base will be staying home this November nursing severe self-inflicted stab wounds in our backs.

    Rating: 2.1/5 (11 votes cast)

    Comments (11)
    lolterizt! Part 33
    Posted by Harvey at 12:36 PM | Email This

    Once again, pass 'em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don't be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

    NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.


    I can has rabbi.jpg

    invisible horse.jpg

    outdoors only.jpg

    pull my finger.jpg

    tastes great less filling.jpg

    wrong form.jpg

    From Geah:
    osama no1.jpg

    From roamingfirehydrant:
    terizt valentine.jpg

    From Joel:
    owned donkey.jpg

    From AlanABQ:
    book by its cover.JPG

    Two from Erik Wit:
    scarface terizt.JPG

    car pile record.JPG

    PRODUCTION NOTE: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

    STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

    SOURCE NOTE: Snapped Shot - unerringly finds propagantastic photos staged by the MSM and makes my job easy.

    Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and - if they aren't obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don't suck too terribly bad - I'll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

    Rating: 2.2/5 (32 votes cast)

    Comments (5) | lolterizt
    Putting Things in Perspective
    Posted by Frank J. at 11:05 AM | Email This

    So the next president will have to deal with a nuclear Iran. This is where Obama is scary. What the hell is that guy going to do to combat an actual threat? Smile and repeat the word "hope" over and over. Well, I hope that works.

    There are two possibilities with Hillary: She could unleash a vengeance from hell -- cackling all the while -- causing us to stand back and say, "I'm just glad she's on our side." Or she could try her best to ignore the problem to focus on health care and pandering on the economy (little hint: there's not too much the government can actually do about the economy; there are these things called businesses which are bit more responsible for it). The latter is probably more likely, though.

    For the Republicans, this is where I'm sorry to say Romney doesn't shine. McCain has the foreign policy experience, and I think he will take a break from repeatedly sodomizing conservatives to handle the Iran problem decisively. Romney may be the better conservative, but he's a bit of a indulgence in a time of global conflict. Not saying I'd vote for McCain over Romney were I voting today, but with all the country faces and my brother in Iraq now (and most likely not for the last time), it's a thinker. I don't understand why the talk radio guys think it's so simple.

    Rating: 2.5/5 (13 votes cast)

    Comments (35)
    Super Tuesday Predictions
    Posted by Frank J. at 10:15 AM | Email This

    Being something similar to a pundit, I guess I should make some prediction for the vote today. I guess the first step in that is checking my horoscope:

    There are very few negative vibes today, and the only one creating real problems is Pluto, the planet of transformation, particularly because its effect is strong! Expect some minor revelations, which could reveal some little blips that slow the day right down. Just don’t lose your cool!

    Does that sound like a McCain win or a Romney win? And how can Pluto create problems? It's planet status was revoked.

    Screw it. I think McCain is going to have a big win and celebrate by grabbing the nearest conservative and making him squeal like a pig. Also, I think Hillary will come out of today with an advantage over Obama because, in the end, Democrats don't like black people. There's even been robo-calls exploiting that fact, the text of them being, "Obama... kinda black, ain't he?"

    Those are my predictions. If they're wrong, look for voter fraud.

    Rating: 2.1/5 (15 votes cast)

    Comments (21)
    February 04, 2008
    Down with Clamshell Packaging
    Posted by Frank J. at 08:20 PM | Email This

    I hate clamshell packaging. I hate it with a passion. I buy some shiny new toy, but it sealed away in a shell of hard plastic tighter than Han Solo in carbonite.

    There is no way to elegantly open those things. No way. You're always reduced to tearing away at the chunks of plastic like a caveman trying to open a can of food with a rock. The best I can do is take a sharp knife to it, being every careful not to cut the contents, and then try and use that hole to tear it open, trying to do my best and failing at not cutting myself on the jagged pieces of plastic.

    When I'm in charge, I'm going to find whomever is responsible for clamshell packaging at put him on live TV with a dozen different objects in standard clamshell packages. He must then elegantly open each one. If he fails, he will be executed by gunshot to the head.

    Frank J. 'XX for Some Office
    "@#$% clamshell packaging!"


    Here's where to buy them custom made to foil any consumer. I'm trying to see if they have an FAQ because obviously be "How the @#$% are you supposed to open these?!"

    Rating: 2.3/5 (15 votes cast)

    Comments (53)
    Posted by Frank J. at 05:15 PM | Email This

    Do you think the reason Ron Paul's campaign never took off is because of the well-known rumor that he's only running for the vice presidency?

    Rating: 1.8/5 (20 votes cast)

    Comments (45) | Ron Paul, Ron Paul, Ron Paul
    One For the Road
    Posted by Harvey at 03:00 PM | Email This

    edwards on chair.jpg

    "All right, which one of you jokers said 'MOUSE!'?"

    Rating: 2.4/5 (22 votes cast)

    Comments (24) | John Edwards Fabulous Facts
    Eternal Salvation < Socialism
    Posted by Frank J. at 12:13 PM | Email This

    I think this pretty much sums up the depths of liberals' fascism: Jimmy Carter thinks it would have been great for Jesus to accept Satan's offer to rule the world so He could then enact a bunch of socialist programs.

    So if you're wondering what means liberals think are okay to achieve their goals, the line is apparently drawn somewhere beyond deals with Satan.

    Rating: 2.4/5 (15 votes cast)

    Comments (29)
    What to Do About Berkeley
    Posted by Frank J. at 10:59 AM | Email This

    With the Berkeley City Council voting that Marines are not wanted in the city and Code Pink harassing the recruiters, something obviously must be done. My suggestion is that the Marines shoot a few of the protesters. It's not like those ninnies could do anything in response other than die or flee. Perhaps that will help the people of Berkeley learn the importance of military might and how those who don't have it can easily be pushed around.

    Some would say that the Marines should just move out of Berkeley and raze the city to the ground (it's not like we'd miss it since Berkeley doesn't produce anything other than smelly hippies), but that seems to me to be admitting defeat.

    Rating: 2.6/5 (12 votes cast)

    Comments (61)
    Conservatives Are Dooooooomed!!!
    Posted by Frank J. at 09:24 AM | Email This

    As we all know, conservatives are headed for a huge crack up if McCain is the nominee. It could not only be the end of the Republican Party, but of America itself as, abandoning conservative principles, we become a Europe-like socialist fruitopia.

    I hear that if McCain gets the Republican nomination and Hillary get the Democrat nomination, they'll make each other their running mate and we won't even have a choice in the general election. Then they'll hunt us conservatives down like dogs. Like dogs!

    What are your predictions for conservatives if McCain gets the nomination? Write them in the comments. The more doom-filled, the better.

    Rating: 2.5/5 (13 votes cast)

    Comments (94)
    February 02, 2008
    Che McCain
    Posted by Cadet Happy at 11:11 AM | Email This


    UPDATE: I'm a little surprised that this post generated dozens of comments. Most are well reasoned, and many are funny. It doesn't bother me that many of you are passionate McCain supporters and want to get your shots in, just as it didn't bother me that Frank was a passionate Thompson supporter and he let me get my shots in. I don't quite get, however, the comments that the post is somehow bigoted or xenophobic. It has absolutely nothing to do with McCain's immigration stance or race. It has to do with the cult of personality, and a twist on Che t-shirts. If you're a McCain supporter, why don't you explain why he is such a great candidate, rather than hiding behind a weak and stretching argument that any contrary opinion is somehow based on hating Mexicans. (Incidentally, Che was Argentinian, and is famous for his relation to Cuba, not Mexico). If you think you are going to convince anyone he is a great candidate by hiding behind accusations of "race baiting" in regard to anyone who disagrees with his positions, you are deluded and not terribly bright. Didn't that argument fail miserably once already in connection with the non-amnesty/amnesty debate a couple months ago, when moderates tried to guilt the conservative wing of the party into supporting bad legislation? It's not racist to want border security. Its not racist to expect that people who live in this country should abide by the law. Of course, none of those issues are even raised in this post anyway. So, I guess, if you think they are, piss off--you're probably too stupid for this site, and that's saying something.

    Rating: 2.5/5 (14 votes cast)

    Comments (91)
    February 01, 2008
    Learning to Live with McCain
    Posted by Frank J. at 01:20 PM | Email This

    John Hawkins, a huge McCain critic, explains in his latest column why if McCain is the nominee we're going to vote for him and like it.

    Also, here is McCain on Jay Leno. There's probably some stuff in there you won't like, but he does get a big cheer proclaiming we're winning in Iraq, and we really seems to enjoy it.

    Romney still has a chance to win, but I'm not of the opinion that it will be the end of the Republicans if he doesn't.

    Rating: 2.1/5 (14 votes cast)

    Comments (178)
    Clinton Campaign Accused of Playing Race Card
    Posted by Harvey at 12:49 PM | Email This

    WASHINGTON (AP) - Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton has been accused of "playing the race card" by using racially-themed campaign ads following Obama's stunning upset victory in South Carolina. Clinton admits that the gloves are off now that primary season is heating up, but denies that her jabs at Obama are racist.

    Surprisingly, Hillary managed to touch both a cross and a black man without bursting into flames.

    "Being a woman," explained Clinton, "and a member of a minority myself - well, technically a majority, but it still counts affirmative-action-wise - I am extremely sensitive to issues of prejudice and I keep my campaigning tough but fair as a consequence. And what could be fairer than merely stating the obvious, as in my new slogan 'The woman is white, and that makes her all right'?"

    Still, some of her other slogans have alienated her fellow Democrats, and may be costing her valuable endorsements. Senator Ted Kennedy admitted this was a factor in his recent endorsement of Obama.

    "I'm not one to ever shy away from calling a spade a spade," burbled a more-sober-than-usual Kennedy, "but after Clinton started using that 'Don't vote for the darkie, he's full of malarky' tagline in her commercials, I decided I'd best make a stand in favor of the Negro race by endorsing that nice young colored boy with the totally phat wife. I wouldn't mind sprinkling a little of that brown sugar on my oatmeal, if ya know what I mean. I'm hoping she's got some slutty friends I can hook up with."

    Also controversial are her "Watch out for the Tarbaby!" ads currently running in California, where Clinton is defending a 12-point lead in the polls ahead of Tuesday's primary.

    "I don't know what the fuss is about," explained Clinton, "'tarbaby' is a perfectly legitimate literary allusion with which to describe the subtle dangers that Obama's political inexperience brings to his candidacy. My use of it has nothing to do with ol' biscuit-lips being an African-American. Hell, I'd toss it at Edwards if HE were winning. Although I'd probably change it to 'targayby'."

    "Anyway," Clinton concluded, "this whole issue is nonsense. Some of my best friends are black. Like Ron Brown... before the son of a bitch crossed me and I had to give him 'flying lessons'."

    Rating: 2.3/5 (18 votes cast)

    Comments (15) | Newsish Fakery
    In the Mail
    Posted by Frank J. at 11:09 AM | Email This

    I got a copy of Project President: Bad Hair and Botox on the Road to the White House by Ben Shapiro (an IMAO fan). It's about presidential image-making and all the lengths presidential candidates go to to sell themselves to the public -- all the way back to George Washington. Shapiro also has a formula for ranking all the president's on image including his scoring of the current presidential candidates. I haven't gotten to much of a chance to look it over yet, but it looks like a fun read. I just hope there's a whole chapter devoted to explaining why there was a period in American history where you had to have mutton chops to get elected and whether that will ever return (we can only hope!).

    Rating: 1.8/5 (13 votes cast)

    Comments (5)
    Democrat Debate Reaction
    Posted by Frank J. at 10:23 AM | Email This

    I caught a bit of the Democrat debate last night. It was scary. They kept arguing who could spend my money the fastest. Obama was like, "I'm going to spend all of Frank's money on crap he hates." And Hillary was like, "You won't spend his money fast enough and wastefully enough! And you won't take the extra effort to knock Frank down and check to see if he has any bills hidden in his socks we can also spend." And I shouted at the screen, "Stay away from my money! You're just going to spend it on poor people, and I hate poor people!" They then turned to face me through my TV screen and then started clawing at it screaming, "Give us your money! Give it to us!"

    And then the channel changed because the DVR was recording both Lost and Smallville. Rescued by Superman once again.

    Rating: 2.5/5 (11 votes cast)

    Comments (23)
    Start Your Morning Off with Two Scoops of Crazy
    Posted by Frank J. at 09:06 AM | Email This

    Voter fraud in Iowa and a plot by Mitt Romney to assassinate Ron Paul (which isn't all that unusual since Bush the elder killed JFK and Bush Jr. killed his son) -- it's all laid out by this Ron Paul supporter on a Ron Paul site (hat tip to reader Pantera):

    CORRECTED VERSION: Sent via email & fax on Jan. 7th, 2008


    Hello Dave & Joyce.

    I'm sending this without having proof-read it for typos since it's getting late. It's also attached as a word document so that you can correct any typos should you want to publicize part or all of it. I may send over a better or longer version of it later after Ted has reviewed it (which he has not yet done). As I said below, I have more information than what I've presented here…but, this should do for now.

    Here's what I know, believe and reasonably or, perhaps, unreasonably presume or hypothesize about the apparent Iowa caucus VOTE COUNT FRAUD and possible assassination plot that targeted Dr. Ron Paul.

    Dec. 2nd, 2007

    1. My wife and I arrived at the Ron Paul rally that was held at the Ft. Des Moines
    Marriott Hotel located a 1000 Walnut St. We sat on the last role at the back since we arrived late at 7:40 p.m.

    2. I went to the front and engaged Carol Paul, introduced myself and handed her a large manila envelope containing information for Dr. Paul from Ted Gunderson and marked: "Personal and Confidential – For Dr. Ron Paul's Eyes Only." This packet contained a personal letter from Ted Gunderson offering Dr. Paul his professional "security consultant" services…since Ted had the latest information about the high-level Neo Con plot to assassinate Dr. Paul; this "latest information" was included in the packet. The packet also contained DVDs that Ted wanted Dr. Paul to have. I remember Carol telling me: "well, you sure delivered it to the right person" before thanking me.

    3. At the conclusion of Paul's speech, Linda and I were the first to leave because I wanted to drive round and round the block to promote Dr. Paul with my large lighted sign I had affixed atop my green van. Dave, you may recall me driving repeatedly around the block.

    4. While we were circling around the block, I observed four brand new, SUVs with "suits" inside and all of them had a cell phone to their ear. The four vehicles were positioned east, west, north and south around the Marriott Hotel. The black SUV that was parked at the 10th Street double doors where most of the people were entering and exiting had Virginia License plate: "KO1" and not registration decal. A 2nd SUV also had Virginia tags, the 3rd one had Tennesse tags and we did not get the license of the 4th one.
    I was suspicious of these vehicles as Linda and I discussed whether Dr. Paul had Secret Service protection. We still need to find out whether he did or not!

    5. I observed an orange (or red) car [make & model not noticed] come to stop on the northside of the Ft. Des Moines Marriot that was illegally parked on Walnut St.—in the street/not curbside—about 40 or 50 feet from where Dr. Paul would have exited from the eastside double doors (presumed). This suspicious vehicle remained in this location for at least 20 minutes while the public was exiting Dr. Paul's event. I had driven around the block at least 5 or 6 times and kept noticing that it never moved. This may be inconsequential… except for the audacity of parking illegally for so long a time and so close to the exit door. A long-haired individual [did not notice if male or female] was sitting at the wheel as though waiting for someone.

    6. While we circled the building about 14 times, I had observed you, Dave, walking up and down the east-side sidewalk and talking into a microphone (presumed). Another fact I determined to be highly suspicious was that Hannity & Colms just by COINCIDENCE happened to shooting a show inside the bar (i.e. Raccoon River Brewery) adjacent to the Ft. Des Moines Marriott—on the same night and at the same time as Dr. Paul's rally. I mean, what's the chances of this happening? What most alarmed me was the name "Kauffmann" for "Kauffman Broadcasting" that was the logo on the door of the huge broadcasting truck parked on the southside of the Raccoon River Brewery/on Mulberry St. Now, this may not mean anything to you…but, it means a helluva-a-lot to Ted and me because we have the proof that the name "Kauffman" is heavily involved in CIA covert operations—both domestic and foreign. In fact, the assassin crew that was stalking Ted and I in Las Vegas and that succeeded in poisoning both of us was affiliated with Carlton and Kauffman out of Guatemala, evidently a CIA "cutout" company. Visit the following link for more information about this true fact:

    http://www.1-free-dvd.com/About_more_info_on_CIA_Assassin.html and

    A search of the name "Kauffman + CIA" shows how embedded the Kauffman family is with the CIA. As a side note concerning vested financial interests in the Marriott Hotel chain, Mitt Romney is one of the owners [not yet verified].

    So, I was alerted by these COINCIDENCES but at the time I did not hypothesize that a plot may have been afoot to assassinate Dr. Paul on the night of Jan. 2nd, 2007. I did not realize this possibility until last night when I awoke from my sleep with this crazy [or not so crazy] idea in my head. Now, Dave, it is you who articulated so very well about "conspiracy theories" in your 9-11 In Plane Site film…so please bear with me while I attempt to put these puzzle pieces together to form a reasonable hypothesis.

    The reason I say that you, Dave, could have foiled a planned assassination [presumed] is because any conspirators would have seen you roaming up and down 10th St. [or perhaps, my circling van troubled the presumed conspirators…or…something else]. Were the Spooks in the black SUVs protecting Dr. Paul or coordinating a plot to assassinate him [or protecting Hannity & Colmes or some other celebrites; unlikely, of course]? Also, guess who would have had the "exclusive" film footage of Dr. Paul's assassination [other than you], FOX News via the Hannity/Colms film crew. This would have skyrocketed FOX off the charts; the corporate stock probably would have skyrocketed to. Imagine, FOX being there on location to get the assassination film footage. Look how valuable the JFK film footage became. Think about this!!

    More information regarding "assassination" hypothesis provided below for Dec. 3rd.

    Relevant questions at this point:

    What is the chance of Dr. Paul's arch enemy FOX/Hannity & Colms filming on the same night and at the same time at a location right next door to where Dr. Paul was speaking?

    Is the "Kauffman" Broadcasting logo of on the door of the parked truck the same "Kauffman" whose crew attempted to harm Ted Gunderson and I in Las Vegas – i.e. "Carlton & Kauffman"…and…could "Kauffman" be involved in other assassination plots beside the one that targeting Ted Gunderson and I in Las Vegas…specifically…that of Dr. Ron Paul. "Kauffman" certainly does qualify as a "high level" Neo Con as provided us in Daniel Estulin's recent information about the plot to assassinate Dr. Ron Paul.

    Why Des Moines? Is this not the city that the FBI warned was a target for a briefcase nuke attack because of its "shock & awe" benefit should a Midwestern town be hit by terrorists?

    Is it possible that the Neo Cons want to assassinate Dr. Paul—not only because he is a threat to their desire to get "their man" into the White House—but his is the catalyst that is inflaming this entire freedom social movement across America? Is Mitt Romney involved? Assuming he was, he'd become a "made" man should Ron Paul had been assassinated. Bush Sr. was photographed in Dealy Plaza at time of the JFK assassination [see film: JFK II – The Bush Connection" and Bush Jr. is said to have been involved in the assassination of JFK Jr., his wife and her sister [see film: The Assassination of JFK, Jr.].

    Dec. 3rd, 2007. More on suspected Iowa GOP VOTE COUNT FRAUD and the possible assassination plot of Dr. Ron Paul

    My wife and I arrived at Stowe Elementary School, the 32nd precinct for the Iowa GOP caucus, where she wanted to vote for Dr. Ron Paul [she maintains her primary residence in Des Moines even though we are living and working with Ted Gunderson]. At this precinct Dr. Paul took 2nd place with 16 votes…behind Huckabee who had 40 votes. Romney, Guilliani, McCain and Thompson had 0 to 8 votes (we lost our score list later). Linda's family also voted for Dr. Paul. Her sister Lavonne reported that Ron Paul took 1st place in her 94th precinct. Her Mom and Dad reported that Dr. Paul took 2nd place at their precinct. This information is important because it would cause me to question Guilliani's claimed 13% showing (at one time during the vote count) which we observed on the big screen at the Ron Paul Rally that was scheduled to start at 7:30 pm at the Downtown Marriott, 700 Grand Ave. I would later end up being escorted out of this rally by police.

    During the day, prior to going to the 32nd precinct so that my wife could vote, we decided to drive all around north, south, east and west Des Moines to do a "sign analysis"– to determine which candidates had the most private yard signs. On the Democrat side Obama took 1st place with Hillary and Edwards running a close 2nd. On the Republican side, Ron Paul and Huckabee definitely won for the most private yard sign count. For the routes we drove, we did not see a single sign for Guilliani, Thompson or McCain. We did see a few for Romney. It is interesting to note that Obama, Edwards and Hillary had a 1-2-3 finish that exactly matched our sign analysis. So why did Ron Paul not take 1, 2 or at least 3rd since he had as many signs as Huckabee along the routes we drove? The signs remain today so anyone can conduct their own yard sign analysis as we did.

    More circumstantial evidence that Ron Paul should have placed 1st, 2nd or at least 3rd is the true fact that he had standing room only turnouts at his scheduled events [we saw it, we were there]—far more than Romney, Thompson and McCain who purported whipped him in the caucus. Guilliani wasn't in town.

    I developed other circumstantial evidence of VOTE FRAUD that I will not go into at this time. But, I want to tell you what occurred after we left precinct 32 and landed in the Downtown Marriot at 8:15 (approximate time) to attend the scheduled Ron Paul post-caucus rally.

    1. When we enter the Hotel I began asking employees (who were wearing the Marriott uniform) for directions to Ron Paul's event. I was shocked to see that the first gentleman I asked looked like the man I had reported to Ted Gunderson was stalking me in Nebraska. A very muscular individual in his late 30's or early 40's with a military haircut. He had on a Marriott uniform and would not make direct eye contact with me—keeping his head lowered—and, he also told me "I don't know" when I asked him where the Ron Paul event was happening. In fact, 3 employees rudely refused to tell me…but, the 4th employee I asked informed me to go to the 3rd floor. When we walked into the ballroom, a band was playing and I got this real bad vibration about this area. Now I know "hunches" don't count in this business but I felt something was not right!

    2. My wife and I grabbed some snacks, ordered a soft drink, then sat down to listen to the band and that's when I noticed on the big screen that the Republican vote count was reported as being "41%" completed on the big screen in front of us…with McCain, Thompson and Guilliani each scoring 13% of the vote. Right then…I became upset because I knew in my gut that there was absolutely no way Guilliani could have captured 13% or 15,600 of 120,000 Republican votes in the conservative State of Iowa. Besides that, I reasoned, what's the chances of these three guys hitting the same percentage—that would be like getting three sevens on a slot machine. I complained repeatedly to my wife about the evident vote fraud.

    3. Only about 15 minutes had passed, Ron Paul had not yet arrived and the live band took a recess. At this point, I got out of my seat and walked over in front of the stage to address the crowd of Ron Paul supporter who numbered about 60 to 80 people at that time. I said (as I can best recall): "excuse me, may I have your attention please." One guy shouted back "yeah, sure" and everyone got quiet. Then I said: "My name is Clarence Malcolm, I work for Ted Gunderson, a former FBI Division Chief, and I think we have vote fraud occurring here in Iowa because I just came from precinct 32 where Dr. Paul took 2nd place. Can some of you people tell me what your precinct results were with regard to Guilliani?" People began to shout to me that he had gotten "0" or "1" or only 2 or 3 votes in their respective precincts (mostly "0s". The people were listening very intently as I went on to explain that the vote count was apparently fraudulent. Then I told them about the manila envelope that I had delivered to Dr. Paul for Ted Gunderson the night before and I mentioned the fact that it contained information about a Neo Con plot to assassinate him. One lady shouted out: "They're going to assassinate Ron Paul?"…then, suddenly, a uniformed Marriott employee accosted me and ordered me to leave the building. I believed he had no right to do it but when two police officers asked me to leave, I complied and asked the crowd: "do you want me to leave?" Several people indicated that they did not. A couple of news reporters approached me to get information as I was being escorted out of the building. As I exited, one of the police officers indicated to me that he and the other officer supported Dr. Paul and warned me that if I returned I would be arrested. I told him that I was familiar with "trespass" law and would not attempt a return. They were very professional, respectful and polite to me.

    4. I waited a minute for my wife to come out and we left for the GOP Headquarters on 9th Street where I intended to fervently complain about the apparent vote fraud—which I did—to a Jr. Staff member after arriving there and introducing myself as an investigator working for Ted Gunderson. I was assured by this individual that the voting was being conducted fairly…but I nevertheless ardently insisted that it was a "fraud" and told the people listening to me: "there is absolutely no way that Guilliani could have 13% of the vote." Linda and I were told that the votes "for the precincts" would be published the following day. As it turned out, they were not and the GOP has unreasonably refused to release the precinct votes. We were at GOP Headquarters for only ten minutes before exiting to go to my wife's parent's home where we turned on the television after arriving there.

    5. To my astonishment, Guilliani's percentage had suspiciously dropped from 13% down to 3%—and this occurred in the 45 minutes between when we left the Marriot till arriving here at Linda's parent's home. I knew then that my complaints about Guilliani at the post-caucus rally and/or at the GOP Headquarters—more likely than not—had caused this sudden and very suspicious reduction in Guilliani's standing. Also suspicious, was that Dr. Paul's percentage remained at 10% during the most of the vote count period. It was obvious that the GOP Headquarters persons had broken their promise the day before to do a "live" vote count. On Sunday, January 4th, the Des Moines Register reported only the county totals…hence, I have concluded that the VOTE FRAUD most likely occurred when the votes were translated from precinct-to-county. The corrupt GOP conspirators know that the public could only know the vote count for their particular precinct and would have no way of verifying "county" totals—unless the complete list of precinct results could be obtained…and, as I said…this isn't going to happen. Of course, Christopher Bollyn has exposed that an Israeli Defense firm counted the votes [personally unverified].

    6. Now, here's my speculation about the assassination plot in Des Moines. Could it be that because…for one reason or other…the alleged plot to assassinate Dr. Paul on Dec. 2nd in front of the Ft. Des Moines Marriott [presumed, of course, with no hard evidence—only strange coincidences/circumstances] was dwarted; and isn't it reasonable to assume that the conspirators—the assassination crew that was already on location—would make another attempt the following night at the Downtown Marriot…unless…some guy who claimed to work for an internationally renown, former FBI "honcho" stood up and publicly announced to the Ron Paul crowd that there was a plot afoot to assassinate Dr. Paul? Could they go forward with their plan after this? Why, were Dr. Paul to be assassinated, Ted Gunderson would be surrounded by reporters the next day. Well, who knows anything for sure except God…and He works his "divine intervention" in mysterious ways.

    But, one has to wonder…why was I escorted out of the Marriott? Why did the Guilliani—the specific candidate I complained about—percentage drop so dramatically in only a 45 minute period? This suspicious incident has been reported across the internet but few know that it COINCIDENTALLY occurred after I had raised a ruckus at the Ron Paul event and at the GOP headquarters.

    Dec. 5th, 2006. I received a phone call from a Washington D.C. number from a "Skip Parish" [Do you know this guy, Dave?] He claimed to be from Sarasota, Florida but his cell phone was a Washington DC number. I had Ted's phone on "speaker" so that my wife overheard my conversation with "Skip" who tried to convince me that I'd go no where with my investigation and then he proceeded to inform me about "how serious" these elections were…and how people could get killed…which both Linda and I determined was a subtle THREAT against me to back off of this VOTE FRAUD investigation stuff. This guy also wanted to know where I lived.

    I've probably missed some details…but, this is most of what I know at this time.

    Rating: 2.5/5 (24 votes cast)

    Comments (68) | Ron Paul, Ron Paul, Ron Paul

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