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March 31, 2008
Truther vs. Al Qaeda
Posted by Frank J. at 08:39 PM | Email This

Awesome.


9/11 Conspiracy Theories 'Ridiculous,' Al Qaeda Says

(hat tip Hot Air)

Rating: 2.2/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (6)
A Story, Bit by Bit
Hellbender: Chapter 12 - Recovery
Posted by Frank J. at 05:09 PM | Email This

PREVIOUS

As they stumbled back towards their apartment, the sparse streetlights of Theed didn't allow Doug to see too clearly the battered conditions of his friends. A couple of times he tried to help Charlene when she stumbled, but she quickly shrugged him off. So onward they went, walking beside each other but not with each other, none saying a word until Doug felt he absolutely had to say something to break the silence. "Did you see how I got the sword on that one guy before he drew his gun? That was pretty good."

"Yes, Doug. That was a brilliant display of basic competency." Charlene didn't even look at him. He thought she could be a little nicer since he did draw the sword to keep the guy from shooting her.

"I think that's where things started to go wrong," Bryce said.

Charlene stopped. "Are actually going to argue this wasn't entirely the fault of your idiocy?"

"Hey, I wasn't the one with the brilliant idea that, when I'm surrounded by a bunch of armed thugs, I should punch one of them in the nose!"

"She was a clearly useless person, and I have a least enough self-respect not take insults from such!" Charlene shouted. "You really think being a meek beggar was the way to get respect from that scum?"

"Why don't we just compromise and say you both were idiots," Lulu suggested.

Charlene looked about ready to hit her. "Why did you draw bunnies on it Lulu?!"

Lulu rolled her eyes. "Oh right; that was the problem."

"It didn't help." Bryce added.

Doug didn't like seeing his friends fight, but at least none of them were blaming him for anything. "I think I see a bus station just a little ways away. Do we still have enough money to take the bus?"

"We're not so financially desperate we can't ride the bus." Bryce marched onwards and the other followed. He took a glance at Doug. "How come you look better than the rest of us?"

"I've gotten beaten up so many times, I guess I just know how best to take it."

"Well, that's a sad good analogy for us," Charlene said. "We've gotten beaten up so many times, it's become a skill."

"And I notice you look worse than the rest of us," Bryce commented. "I'm guessing you thought it was a bright idea to fight back."

Lulu glanced at him. "How much product do you use in your hair?"

Though Bryce's face was quite beaten, he didn't seem to have one hair out of place. Lulu's hair was quite a mess, though. "Appearances are important, so I spend time on mine." He checked his clothing. "I'm going to need a new suit again."

"Frankly, the whole beating was a bit disorganized." Lulu wrapped her arms around her chest. "Also, I'm all for equal rights stuff, but I still think it would have been more polite to have the women beat up the women and the men beat up the men. The order was to beat me, not to grope me."

"Those two women who felt slighted by the fact that I gave each of them my time were a bit immature during their physical attack on me," Bryce said. "They especially got angry when they found out I was wearing a cup."

"Why were you wearing a cup?" Lulu asked.

"Because I don't like getting hit in the crotch."

"Because he probably knew what happened was a possibility from all his screwing around," Charlene said.

Lulu giggled. "His screwing screwed us."

Doug laughed. "It is kinda funny how Bryce thought he was using Lara but she was using him."

"That's not what happened!" Bryce shouted.

"None of this is funny!" Charlene yelled. "Bryce's idiocy has left us in a foreign city with no money!"

"Some money," Bryce corrected her. "A little money."

Doug patted the sack hanging off his belt. "And we still got the cube."

They reached the bus station. According to a sign on it, they had twenty minutes to the next bus.

"I thought for sure Colette could have told that the cube was important," Bryce said. "We're all in agreement that there is something quite weird about it."

It still creeped Doug out, even concealed in its bag. "The Devil told me that one of Hallowed wouldn't feel anything weird holding it, because they always feel that miserable."

Bryce looked angry. "That's some important information you kept from us. If Satan tells you anything useful like that in the future, pass it on."

"He said his name is Stan, actually," Doug said.

"Did Stan mention anyone else we could maybe pawn it off to for a few bucks?" Lulu asked.

"Shut up, please!" Charlene looked like she was about to cry. "You thought being unappreciated servants of the government was awful, but I don't think being insulted and humiliated by criminals is quite an improvement in our lives. I'm not going anywhere else with that stupid cube and beg for money. If we're going to be criminals ourselves, let's at least be good ones! Lulu was right; you could tell from how Colette's men attacked us that they don't work well as a team. With a little bit of planning -- real planning -- we could do quite some damage to those people and that arrogant bitch Colette."

Bryce looked quite hesitant. "There's no money in revenge. You attach a business plan to that, then maybe."

"I like Charlene's idea," Lulu said. "I say we go back there, cut Colette's head off, and write on the walls in her blood, 'This is what you get for being mean.'"

"She doesn't have any blood. She's one of the Hollow ones." Bryce chuckled. "In fact, you could say she quite literally a heartless bitch."

"No. She's not literally a heartless bitch," Lulu corrected. "Because she's not literally a female dog."

"She is literally a spiteful and overbearing woman," Bryce countered, "which is an accepted definition for 'bitch.'"

"Actually, as she'll tell you herself, she's not literally a woman."

"If you two don't shut up," Charlene shouted. "I will literally rip your heads off and shove them up your asses."

Lulu whispered to Bryce. "Charlene properly use the word 'literally,' though she did so for the purpose of hyperbole."

Charlene smacked Lulu. "Anyway, if there are no objections -- and even if there are -- I'm taking over Hellbender. If we're going to be a group of losers, let's at least be dangerous ones."

"I really don't want to kill a bunch of people if that's the plan," Doug stated.

"As usual, Doug, your opinion doesn't matter," Charlene said.

"Fine." He noticed a convenience store nearby. "I'll be back in a sec; I need to pee."

"Careful not to fall in," Lulu called out as he walked away. She turned to the others. "Do I have a black eye?"

"You have two," Charlene replied.

"Dammit."

When Doug entered the store, he turned to the clerk to ask him if he could use the restroom, but saw it was some sort of electronic entity. Another job stealing robot. Doug weaved by a couple patrons to the back where the men's room was. It was decently clean, and Doug had to admit that some robots were pretty good at their jobs. Frankly, he liked them better than monkeys.

Doug went to a urinal, but as he unzipped he heard others enter. He turned to see three women. For a moment, he though he might have accidentally entered the wrong restroom, but he realized he was at a urinal which he was quite sure women's rooms didn't have. The three women stood behind Doug, and he kept looking back at them. "Uh... I think you're in the wrong restroom. Don't feel bad; it's happened to me before."

They continued to stand there and stare at him.

"Also, it's kinda hard for me to go with you guys standing there like that."

Once again, they didn't react.

"Um... I think I'll use a stall." Doug zipped up and started to walk away, but one of the women grabbed him by the shoulder.

"We want the bunny cube."

Frankly, a part of Doug really wanted to get rid of the cube. Still, it was about all he and his friends had left, and he was curious to find out its secrets.

Doug turned to face them. "Well, you can't have it."

* * * *

"You probably can't tell from looking at me, but I got beat up again."

Doug stumbled back to his three friends at the bus station. Bryce looked him over with a little concern. "We were wondering what took you so long... the bunny cube!"

"Yeah; they took it," Doug admitted. "I think they were more of those Amazons. I tried to stop them, though."

"Did you try drawing you sword and killing them?" Charlene asked.

Doug frowned. "That seems a bit extreme."

"You should feel lucky those psychos didn't slit your throat, then."

"Where did they go?" Bryce asked.

"Who cares?" Charlene said. "If Elza's stupid minions want it, I say let them have it. No more trying to get money in realms we hardly understand."

"Still, at least this proves it was worth something." Bryce straightened his ripped tie. "Just like I said."

Lulu shrugged. "I just hope they appreciate the bunnies."

NEXT

Rating: 2.7/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Hellbender Take Two
Can't Shake the Devil's Hand and Say You're Only Kidding
Posted by Frank J. at 02:09 PM | Email This

Obama's new theme song:

From The Conservative Intelligencer.

Being a They Might be Giants fan, I can't believe I didn't think of this song myself as soon as the Wright scandal popped up.

Rating: 2.9/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (23)
IMAO Is Legend!
Posted by Frank J. at 01:03 PM | Email This

An urban one.

Apparently, the photoshop from this post is getting passed around as if its real. Now, I came up with the idea for the post as a quick dumb gag and found this photo to work with. Moving the cord seemed like a hard job, so I passed it on to My Photoshop Guy, suggesting maybe he crop the image to make it easier. Ends up he did a great job, with the cord looking just a little bit jagged where it was altered. My Photoshop Guy then decided to add in a clock to further set up the joke. The clock is the part that is most obviously photoshopped, but that was okay to me as it's just supposed to be a visual gag -- real enough at first glance to convey the joke but doesn't need to hold up to further inspection.

Later, My Photoshop Guy said, if he knew that people weren't going to see through the edits on the cord, he would have spent more time on the clock -- but that's not the goal here. So, for the record, IMAO is here to make you laugh; not to trick you.

Rating: 3.6/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Earth Hour - The Tagline
Posted by Harvey at 12:23 PM | Email This

Apparently Earth Hour was a rousing success, in the sense that cities in civilized nations around the globe voluntarily plunged themselves into darkness, temporarily undoing 50,000 years of human civilization in the process.

A proud moment, to be sure.

The only thing that troubles me is that the words "Earth Hour" weren't followed by a snappy, earworming, little catchphrase - a big no-no in the modern world of internet viral marketing. As a public service, I toss out the following possibilities so that next year's event can be even more popular:




* 60 minutes of stupid.

* You're evil if you don't.

* Brought to you by the Prince of Darkness.

* Hippies aren't ugly if you can't see them.

* [Thunk!] OW! My head!

* As prophesied in Atlas Shrugged.

* A great excuse for having sex, plus 58 bonus minutes!

* This was going to happen in California, anyway.

* At least now you know who to boycott.

* Eventually it won't be voluntary. Or temporary.



Yours in the comments, please.

Rating: 2.9/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (21)
In My World: Attack on Barrack
Posted by Frank J. at 11:08 AM | Email This

"I bring you a message of hope and change," Barack Obama told the fawning crowd. "Of not only change that brings hope... but also of hope that brings change. This is a message that people respond to. It is also not the message of my Democratic opponent Hillary Clinton. That's why I am leading in delegates, and why she... AIEEE!"

"It will be a honkey massacre! That's in the Bible!"
A large object flew at Obama and struck him in the face. The Secret Service quickly surrounded him. Gun drawn, one looked over the crowd shouting, "Who threw that lamp? WHO THREW THAT LAMP?!"

* * * *

"We interrupt Dancing with the Stars for the special news bulletin: Senator Barack Obama, while speaking at an even in Pittsburgh Pennsylvania, was struck by a lamp. It is currently unknown who threw the lamp and whether it was thrown out of racial hatred or for political reasons. We have been unable to get a comment from Senator Obama as he is reportedly locked in his hotel room sobbing uncontrollably. His wife, Michelle Obama, quickly responded, though.

On screen was Michelle Obama at a podium. "While we are saddened that my husband was struck by a lamp, we are not surprised. As a black man, Barack could have a lamp thrown at him just for going to the gas station -- nonetheless running for president. This is just another reason I hate this country. I repeat: I really really hate this country and everything about it."

The news anchor came back on screen. "Originally, Michelle was a suspect for the lamp throwing as its just assumed from her personality that she at least constantly browbeats her husband, but she was in Canada at the time of the incident because she was reportedly so sick of this country that she just had to get out of it for a while.

"Senator Obama's pastor and spiritual mentor, Jeremiah Wright, had some words to say about the incident."

On screen was Wright at the pulpit. "First, the white people in the government made HIV to kill the black man. When that didn't work, now they've moved up to throwing lamps. They'll do anything to stop Barack Obama, because they know that the first thing he'll do when he's president is kill all the honkeys! That's right; he'll use the secret government labs to make a virus to kill them! It will be a honkey massacre! That's in the Bible!" He held up a well-worn copy of Hop on Pop. "Right in here... somewhere near the middle, I think."

The news anchor came back on screen. "The next suspect of the lamp throwing is, of course, John McCain. As we in the media have remembered that he's a Republican, we've also remembered that he's therefore evil. We had a reporter sit down and ask him about the incident."

On screen was McCain sitting uncomfortably. "Since you claim to be a conservative," an off-screen reporter said, "you must also claim to hate black people. Do you feel any remorse for throwing a lamp at Obama because he's black?"

"As I've told you a thousand times," McCain snarled, "I don't hate black people; I hate gooks! They tortured me in Vietnam! I'm tired of explaining this! If I could raise my hands high enough, I'd box your ears! Know why I can't?"

"Because you're lazy?"

"Because of the injuries the gooks gave me in 'Nam! That's it; lower your head so I can box your ears!"

The news anchor came back on screen. "The final suspect for the incident is Senator Hillary Clinton, often rumored to have thrown lamps out of anger when previously in the White House as first lady. Her campaign released this statement in response to these charges:

"The idea that Hillary Clinton throws lamps in irrational fits of rage is a rumor spread by sexist, misogynist individuals. Anyone could have thrown a lamp at Senator Obama, and the fact that Senator Hillary Clinton was seen in the are holding a lamp for some reason while looking extremely enraged proves nothing. The fact that Senator Obama has made such an ordeal out of a simple lamp throwing when Senator Clinton wasn't even fazed by imagined snipe fire once again shows the difference in experience between the two candidates. Also, if Senator Obama doesn't wants lamps thrown at him in the future, maybe he shouldn't be such an annoying little upstart who gets in the way of a political future destined by fate that no one, and I MEAN NO ONE, can stop me from achieving! You hear that, bitch!"

Rating: 2.9/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (13) | In My World
If We Had Oil
Posted by Frank J. at 10:07 AM | Email This

If this is true, then we have all the oil we need and it's like "so long and thanks for all the fish" to the Middle East. "Hope you guys figure out that Sunni/Shiite thing... and try to get along with the Jews." We'll finally be able to tell all the Saudi royalty that they smell like gym socks and are creepy weirdos. Plus, we can be even bigger dicks to other countries now... and they'll have to suck up to us because we have oil.

In other words, the world will be as it should be.

Rating: 3.1/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (27)
March 30, 2008
I Should Have Stolen This Idea Before He Thought of It
Posted by Frank J. at 12:36 AM | Email This

Mike Nelson of MST3K fame (man, I miss that show) takes on political ads.

Rating: 3.6/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (6)
March 29, 2008
"And Then I Kicked Him the Teeth"
Posted by Frank J. at 10:23 PM | Email This

A WWII vet wasn't about to be intimidated by a teen with a knife. They don't make 'em like that anymore.

Rating: 3.2/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (13)
Republicans Ponder Deadlocked Convention
Posted by Harvey at 07:25 PM | Email This

WASHINGTON (AP) - The Republican presidential race is so unsettled that some party officials are openly talking of a scenario that seemed almost unthinkable until now: the first contested GOP convention in 60 years.

Even if Republicans choose a nominee before they convene in Minneapolis-St. Paul on Sept. 1, there's a good possibility he will emerge weeks or even months after the Democratic nominee is chosen, giving Democrats an advantage in fundraising, organizing and campaigning. Congressional Republicans particularly wanted an early nominee to draw voters' attention from President Bush, whose low approval ratings could hurt the entire party in the fall.

Bush's former top political aide, Karl Rove, told Republican officials Wednesday that major challenges await "the moment our candidate secures the nomination." As if they needed reminding, Rove told those at the Republican National Committee's winter meeting, "the primaries are far from over."

Nope, it's not newsish fakery. This is the start of a real AP news story that hit the streets on January 17th, 2008. As seen under the blinding light of hindsight, it's delightfully entertaining.

Rating: 3.3/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Earth Hour!
Posted by Harvey at 04:47 PM | Email This

[a guest post from IMAO reader Jimmy]

Everyone is supposed to save the planet by turning out their lights for one hour at 8 p.m. tonight. The movement is worldwide.

Apparently, these people have saved the planet permanently:

KoreasAtNight.jpg
Koreas at night

Crap.

I'm turning all of mine ON in celebration of 500 years of science and engineering and people like Faraday, Ohm, Maxwell, Einstein, Tesla....

Cheers,
Jimmy

Rating: 3.4/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (20)
March 28, 2008
A Story, Bit by Bit
Hellbender: Chapter 11 - Trash
Posted by Frank J. at 04:08 PM | Email This

PREVIOUS

Bryce quickly recovered, his shocked expression quickly becoming one of simple confusion. "Excuse me?"

"Armin Corbert." Colette was quite visibly enjoying Bryce's discomfort. "That was the name assigned to you as a nameless war orphan, wasn't it?"

Bryce laughed nervously. "That's my slave name; I go by Bryce Worthington."

"I don't care what you call yourself." Lara walked over and handed a handheld computer to Colette who took a look at. Now a couple dozen of Colette's thug were standing around to watch the spectacle. "We're very much an international organization, so I was able to access the files on you four from Asmod's government. You were raised at the same orphanage, and the fact that you're all still together is both touching and pathetic." She paused a moment to read some more. "I see you change jobs quite a lot, Armin. I'm guessing that was some sort of scam where you avoided doing actual work. Now, Doug Na's work history seems more consistent with the typical worthless Child."

"That's not actually my last name; it's more of a typo," Doug said. "They somehow messed up and didn't give me a last name as a kid, and then once I had to fill in a form and they told me to put "N/A" for my last name, but I though they were telling me how to spell my new last name--"

"Thanks. I'll wait for the official autobiography. I think I understand quite well now why you were given an IQ test three different times to look for mental retardation."

"They were all negative!" Doug asserted. "It says that there, right?"

"Next we have the ridiculously named Lulu Lui," Colette continued. "Whose only value is plain for anyone to see."

"I kinda like my name," Lulu said. "Lui is more of a Chinese name, though, and I'm pretty sure I have Japanese ancestry."

"Finally, there is Charlene Marshall." Colette took a look at her and laughed. "The little warrior, and perhaps the most pathetic of you four in that her record shows that she actually tried to be a member of useful society. How did that work out, girl?"

Charlene looked enraged. "We get it. We're the Last Children; completely worthless and not worth the time of someone as exalted as yourself. Still, we brought you useful weaponry, so why don't you just give us what it's worth and we'll be on our way, never to offend your sight again."

In the blink of an eye, Colette was on Charlene and holding her up by her neck. "Hey!" Doug shouted as he tried to draw his sword on her, but Colette swung out her arm. It felt to Doug like he was struck by a bat, and fell hard against the floor.

Colette threw Charlene into some crates. "Don't tell me what I should do."

Lulu helped Charlene back to her feet while Doug got himself standing again. Bryce still looked like nothing had happened. "Obviously, we've offended you, and for that I apologize, but--"

"But I don't think you quite understand," Colette interrupted. "Taroth allows Dammon to keep a base in this city so long as we keep things quiet. For that, I can't just have any Child wandering in here thinking he can play big shot gangster. You four haven't even followed the most basic channels for this line of work."

"Oh, we have our registration form." Lulu pulled out a piece of paper.

"I prefer if you submit electronically." She looked back to Bryce. "So the question is how this Child found out enough about our organization to even attempt this. So, I ask my female employees which one of you was dumb enough to sleep with this idiot? Don't think I won't find out on my own, and you can guess what will happen to you then."

Grudgingly, two women raised their hands -- neither of whom were Lara. They first looked at each other with shock and then at Bryce with anger. "You weasel!" Lara just stood back laughing.

Now Bryce was sweating a bit. "I do have an explanation--"

"Here's the deal," Colette interrupted. "It's actually kinda impressive that you stole that weaponry, and it is of value to me. Why don't I take it as payment for letting you live, and if I have any jobs in the future that are best suited to desperate losers -- and that happens from time to time -- I'll look you four up. Deal?"

"How about you let us live plus five thousand," Lulu countered.

"Three thousand, but I kill you and donate it to a charity in your name."

Lulu looked confused. "Charity?"

Colette sighed. "Money people give to help poor people. It's something from before your time."

"Isn't the government supposed to handle that?" Bryce asked.

"Just never mind."

"I know," Lulu said, "how about four thousand, and you only kill one of us."

Colette frowned. "I'm no longer amused by you four. Get out."

"Wait. We have something else that might be of value." Bryce motioned to Doug. Doug took the cube out of its sack, and he held it out as steadily as he could though touching it made him feel cold and miserable.

Colette was unimpressed. "And what is that supposed to be?"

"It's what Asmod was trying to hide. It's what Serpine sent Loch to retrieve. It's what Elza's minions were going to steal until we got it first." Bryce paused dramatically. "And now, we offer it to you."

Colette now looked somewhat intrigued. She snatched it from Doug's hand and looked it over. "Why does it have drawings of rabbits scratched into its side?"

Bryce gave a very quick angry glance to Lulu and then looked back at Colette. "We're not quite sure of the purpose of its symbols, but I bet you can sense what a powerful artifact it is."

"It's a metal cube with poorly drawn bunnies on it." She tossed it to Bryce who fumbled with it like a hot potato until he passed it on to Doug who quickly put it back in its sack.

"Maybe you should ask Dammon about it," Bryce suggested. "I'm sure he'll know of its significance."

"Yes, that sounds exactly like the sort of thing I should bother an all-powerful being about. Well, if I find myself in need of a bunny cube, I'll know where to find you."

Lulu whispered to Charlene. "I told you that's what it's called."

"You've now wasted more of my time than that stolen military equipment bought you," Colette told them. She turned to her people. "Before you send them on their way, beat the crap out of them."

NEXT

Rating: 3.0/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (4) | Hellbender Take Two
Frank Advice on Ending the Democratic Primary
Posted by Frank J. at 01:42 PM | Email This

The Dems are a bit pathetic lately, so I thought I should give them some help as someone has to challenge McCain to keep him from lazily sliding leftwards. Obviously, they need a way to pick their candidate that satisfies both sides. With the Hillary and Obama so close in delegates, the simple election solutions are going to leave a large number of Democrats feeling cheated. And, frankly, they love feeling cheated and complaining about the fact. So, more extraordinary measures are needed.

Now, the most obvious solution is putting them in some sort of cage with weaponry where only one leaves. I don't think this will work for the Democrats, though, because they won't think Obama with his saccharine message of hopey change can stand up to the vicious Hillary who has long thirsted for his blood. Instead, they need to compete on a plane Democrats are more familiar with.

How about they are each given a billion dollars in tax money, and whoever spends it all the first wins. They can't just spend it on military weaponry (and, being Democrats, they wouldn't want to), and instead have to spend it all on wasteful, counterproductive social programs. That would prove which one of them is the most hardcore Democrat.

Another idea is a competition for sympathy by them having to convince a TV audience which one of them is the most victimized by society. A call in vote will determine once and for all who has it rougher -- women or minorities -- and Ryan Seacrest will announce the winner... after the break.

Also, they could get a group of foreigners and Obama and Hillary could compete on who could befriend the most. Having foreigners like us is of the utmost concern to Democrats.

If none of that is satisfactory, Democratic leaders can take advantage of the fact that many Democrats, being anti-religious, believe about any supernatural crap. The heads of the Democrats can say they are going to go to a secret seance room where they will summon all the great Democrats throughout America history and have them consult and decide on who should be the nominee. Then they can just head to where the coffee machine is and flip a coin... or just decide to nominate Hillary so she'll release their families. Whatevs.

Rating: 3.5/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (43)
USA Today Readers Shall Be the Fools This April
Posted by Frank J. at 01:02 PM | Email This

Sorry to be a bit neglectful to the blog this week, but an opportunity came up that I wanted to devote my full creative energies to. Anyway, you should look for a column co-authored by me in the April 1st edition (that's Tuesday) of USA Today... unless this was all some cruel April Fools joke on me. If so, then well played, Jonah Goldberg. Well played.

Rating: 2.9/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (14)
What's a Super Delegate?
Posted by Harvey at 11:27 AM | Email This

When discussing the Democratic primaries, it's obvious that a lot of people are still confused about the candidate selection process. Lately I've been getting a ton of e-mail (and by "a ton of", I mean "not a single frickin'") asking me what the hell a "super delegate" is.

Naturally, I'd love to answer these queries, but there's a problem. You see, as a team blog, IMAO succeeds by carving out territories and keeping each writer within their own boundaries. We each have our own little genres that we write in, and we don't cross those lines. That's why Frank doesn't post "lolterizt!", and I don't post every single stupid stray thought that pops into my head.

Trouble is, "Frequently Asked Questions" is a Frank J. thing, and if I tried to do one of those, Frank would cut my ear off with his katana, just like he did to Rowdi after she tried to post a "Know Thy Enemy" last week.

So although I can't do an actual FAQ and tell you what a super delegate is, I can at least explain what a super delegate isn't, because that ton [see above] of emails I've been getting invariably start with:

"Dear Frank

Everyone keeps saying super delegates are going to end up selecting the Democratic presidential nominee. I don't get it. I thought a super delegate was..."

Here are some of the most common misconceptions, and my explanations for those poor bewildered souls who sent them:



Sorry, Obama... NOT a super delegate.

...that one movie that I mistakenly rented because I thought it was Michael Moore's biograpy?

No, that was "Super Size Me". And it sorta is.

...what people yelled at the movie screen after Brad takes his glasses off in The Rocky Horror Picture Show?

No, that's "Super Asshole!". Be warned: cult movies are still a cult. Get thee to a deprogrammer.

...when you find yourself naked in bed with Tyra Banks and Paris Hilton?

No, that's a "Supermodel Sandwich", although rumor has it that both Clinton and Obama think about these a lot, too.

...that thing that made me laugh harder than I ever have before in my life?

No, that was "Superbowl XLII", and more specifically the look on Tom Brady's face at the end of it.

...Soundgarden's best album?

No, that was "Superunknown". Except that I'm sure you meant "Down on the Upside", you tonedeaf moron.

...Joe Pesci's "Star Wars Holiday Special"?

No, that was "The Super", and unlike Mark Hamill, it didn't put a bullet in the head of his acting career.

...the worst video game ever created by the hand of man?

No, that was Super Mario Brothers.

...proof that we didn't drop NEARLY enough nukes on Japan?

Also Super Mario Brothers.

...the horrible, horrible thing that made me vow to never read IMAO again... except for right now so that I could find your e-mail address?

No, that was Superego. [You mean Simpsons Trivia - Frank J.]

...that one thing that got Monica Lewinsky's dress all wet?

No, that was a Super Soaker. Just a reminder - squirt gun accidents are a preventable tragedy. Always use a trigger lock.

...that guy who's faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive and able to leap tall buildings in a single bound?

No, that was Fred Thompson. And you people had your chance but you blew it.



Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go find a pair of katana-proof earmuffs.

Rating: 2.8/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (18)
Most Awesome Idea Ever
Posted by Frank J. at 10:53 AM | Email This

I keep hearing the idea thrown out that the Democrats, as a compromise, should nominate Al Gore.

That would be so awesome!

I mean, I'm ready for a political season of making fun of Obama, but to actually have Al Gore out there to kick around... that would be unbelievable. Back in 2000, I didn't have a blog, so I didn't get a chance to play off him them. Since he lost, though, he's gotten tons crazier and funnier. He's to the point where I think I could just post an undoctored photo of him and conservatives would burst out laughing at the site of him. His name has joined the pantheon of funny words along with Cucamonga and kumquat. His nomination would be so great for IMAO, I would make my largest political donation ever to the DNC if they would go ahead and do it.

I'm not getting my hopes up, though; I've done that too much recently just to have them dashed against the rocks. Even the Democrats must realize what a train wreck that would be... and not just a train wreck, but a train running into the Titanic while they both are crashed into by the Hindenburg and a commenter on TV says, "Oh, the human... Who I am kidding; I know a lot of lives were just lost, BUT THAT WAS SO AWESOME!!!"

And it would be awesome.

Rating: 3.1/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (16)
Dude!
Posted by Frank J. at 09:01 AM | Email This

I'd hate honkeys for that kind of money...

Rating: 3.0/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (16)
March 27, 2008
A Story, Bit by Bit
Hellbender: Chapter 10 - Respect
Posted by Frank J. at 05:13 PM | Email This

PREVIOUS

Doug gripped the handle of his sword with his left hand. "So, do I look intimidating enough?"

"You have nacho cheese on your face," Charlene said.

"How much?"

Ahead of them was a warehouse by some docks where they could see a number of people and vehicles out front. "So are we just walking up there?" Charlene asked.

Lulu checked her pigtails. "Sorry, but I couldn't get us a horse drawn chariot."

Charlene's hand moved over where one of her guns was hidden under her jacket. "We do not look like violent criminals, and they're going to see right through us."

"Being intimidating is all about attitude," Lulu said. "Your bitchy attitude actually works for this situation."

"This is a quick business transaction; let's not over think it." Bryce had the same confidence he always had before things blew up in their faces. "All this worrying is going to lead to stress ulcers. Let's just do this."

"Go Team Hellbender!" Lulu shouted as she marched forward. "Fear is for cowards!"

As they approached the warehouse, they came near a number of large, obviously armed men, each of whom looked like they could easily kill the four of them. Lulu walked right up to one who was a head higher and had more than hundred pounds on her. "We're here to see Colette, and we don't abide dilly-dallying."

The thug looked somewhere between annoyed and amused. "I don't know who the hell you are talking about."

"Don't play dumb with me, stupid. Tell her Hellbender is here and we have business to discuss."

"What if instead I just gut you like a fish."

Lulu stood on her tiptoes in a vain attempt to meet him eye to eye. "If you do that, then my friends will avenge my death..." She pointed to the three behind her, and Doug waved hi. "...then neither of us will be very happy."

"What the hell is this, Rick?" Two attractive young women walked up to the group.

"These guys claim to be here to see Colette," Rick answered. "Do you even think it's worth bothering her to see if that's true, Grace?"

Bryce walked up next to Lulu, and Charlene motioned to Doug to stay close behind. It looked to him that Charlene was ready for a battle, which was a bit disconcerting. Bryce looked unconcerned, but Bryce had a skill of looking unconcerned no matter what was going on. "Colette will be upset if you turn us away," Bryce told Rick and then smiled to the two women. "I'll be especially upset."

Grace smiled slightly and turned to the women next to her. "Why don't you see if Colette is expecting anyone." The woman walked off, and Grace turned back to Bryce and his group. "So who are you all supposed to be?"

"We're Hellbender," Lulu said. "Who are you supposed to be?"

She smiled smugly. "I'm under the employ of Dammon." She looked to Charlene and laughed a bit. "I hope you're not looking to get hired, as he expects a certain level of quality in his women."

Charlene faced tensed over so slightly into a greater frown. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"It means the women here have appearance standards, little boy."

Doug was afraid Charlene was going to get even madder, but she actually seemed to calm slightly. "Well, beauty isn't just physical appearance; it's also personality."

Grace laughed. "Then you better have one hell of personality, little--"

Charlene's fist hammered Grace in the nose. Grace fell back clutching the injury, blood dripping down her face. Charlene brushed off her fist. "See; if you had nicer personality, you'd be a lot prettier right now."

It looked like Rick was about to go for gun, so Doug quickly drew his sword and putting it to the large man's neck. A number of others around drew guns and pointed them at Doug, though.

"I like her; she's a pip." Out of the warehouse walked a beautiful redheaded woman in a black evening gown. She looked almost too perfect, and there was something creepy to the slight smile she had. "Guns down, people."

The thugs all lowered their guns. Doug slowly returned his sword to its sheath. Grace, still clutching her bloody nose, looked outrage. "Look what she did! We should--"

"Go clean yourself up," Colette commanded.

"But--"

"Now!"

Grace took one last angry glance at Charlene and then ran off.

Colette walked up to Charlene. "She did have a point, though. Most of the women I hire out as bodyguards are basically eye-candy, so Grace is now pretty much useless to me until she heals up."

"You're not much of feminists, are you?" Lulu commented.

Colette laughed. "Not really a woman anymore. I've transcended my more animal existence, so I don't see why I shouldn't be honest about things." She looked back at Charlene. "Anyway, the point is you just cost me by disabling one of my employees. Not a good way to start with me."

"She brought that on herself," Charlene said. "I don't know what she expected to happen by disrespecting me like that."

"Fine. Fair enough. Come on; I hear we have business to discuss." Colette turned to walk back into the warehouse.

Bryce quickly ran up to her. "That we do. I must comment though, you say you're not a woman, but the form you take is--"

"Please don't bother; I don't nor ever will have the slightest interest in you."

Inside the warehouse were more armed men and women and tons of crates stacked to the ceiling. If it was all contraband, it was quite a lot of it.

"Anyway, in the confusion of the destruction of Shride," Bryce said, doing his best to ignore the previous slight, "we obtained some military equipment that might be of interest to your organization."

"Was it in a vehicle like this one?" They turned to see that in one of the rows of crates sat the truck they had fled Shride in. Next to it stood Lara, smiling quite smugly.

"I know exactly who you are and what you did..." Colette patted Bryce on the back, apparently with enough force to knock him off balance. "...Armin."

Bryce's face went white.

Charlene once again tensed in preparation for battle. "Crap."

NEXT

Rating: 2.1/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Hellbender Take Two
Is Ron Paul Still Alive?
Posted by Frank J. at 03:13 PM | Email This

I knew the whole Ron Paul thing would eventually fizzle out, but it seems like its been over a month since we've heard even a peep from a Ronulan. Have any of you had any sightings other than the occasional, fading road-side sign?

Rating: 3.4/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (47) | Ron Paul, Ron Paul, Ron Paul
Democrats Fight to Lose
Posted by Frank J. at 12:26 PM | Email This

At what point do Republicans have to step in and stop the Democrat slap fight? You have people whose politics dictate they be meek little wusses when it comes to confrontation, and now they're pitted against each other in a fight for their political lives? It's like putting two kittens in a pit and trying to goad them into killing each other. Barack Obama, same as anyone with liberal beliefs like that, can't have testes larger than sesame seeds. Hillary at least has a mean streak, but still the Democrats' politics of surrender just don't relate well to going for the throat.

"I'll best ensure us defeat in Iraq!"

"I'll get us extra defeat!"

(slap slap slap)

Neither of them is going to be able to deliver a death blow, and this is going to continue to go on until its gone from amusing to sad. To think that one of these people could be representing us on the world stage. There are people out there plotting to kill us; what are they going to think?

TERRORIST 1: Oh no! The Americans have a new president, and he is armed with both hope and change!

TERRORIST 2: Surely after he is done creating billions in new spending, he will be after us!

TERRORIST 3: We are doomed!

TERRORIST 1: Nothing will save us from his clean articulateness!

TERRORIST 2: I love muffins!

TERRORIST 3: What? Why are talking about muffins at a time like this?

TERRORIST 2: I just really like muffins and wanted to say so before it was too late. I especially like blueberry.

TERRORIST 1: Infidel!

TERRORIST 2: What? Where in the Koran does it say I can't like muffins?

TERRORIST 1: ...

TERRORIST 1: I...

TERRORIST 1: I can't read! (sobs)

TERRORIST 3: It's brave of you to admit that, Habib.

TERRORIST 1: (sobs)

TERRORIST 2: Illiteracy is the true terrorist.

Okay... um... I forget what I was talking about again.

Rating: 3.6/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (32)
I'm Disappointed That She Didn't Do Better
Posted by Harvey at 11:28 AM | Email This
"Oh crap! Wasn't ready for THAT one!"

While Chelsea Clinton was pimpin' fo' her mama at Butler University recently, college student Evan Strange asked her whether Hillary Clinton's credibility was damaged by how the then-first lady handled the scandal over Bill Clinton's relationship with intern Monica Lewinsky.

Chelsea - who, with over 70 politically-motivated college campus appearances under her belt, is FINALLY fair game for abuse, and oh BROTHER do I have some catching up to do with the free-pass-from-the-press-having socialist swine - "answered" the question by brusquely sneering "I do not think that's any of your business."

I have to say I'm disappointed. A low-hanging curve like that gets floated over her plate and she can't even dribble out an infield grounder. Let's see if I can't get an answer a little closer to the right field wall:

"Was Hillary's credibility damaged by how she handled the Monica Lewinsky scandal?"



* Not as badly as by "dodging Bosnian sniper fire".

* [Stunned pause]... Ironically, that question just made me stain my dress.

* [Laughing] Silly boy! You can't damage rock bottom!

* I don't know what you're talking about. Bill had a WaveRunner with vanity plates, not a monogrammed Jet Ski.

* No, because that's considered part of her 35 years of experience with political affairs.

* Wow... Actually, I'm surprised that there's something on the topic of giving oral sex to men that you don't already know.

* Look, stumping for my mom is my job now. I don't come to McDonald's and ask you embarrassing questions about whether you're still in the habit of enticing your dog into licking peanut butter off your junk, now do I?

* Recent polling suggests it actually gained her credibility among the all-important "women too gutless to leave that cheating bastard" demographic.

* That's not important. What matters is that - unlike with Barack Obama's health care plan - under my mother's proposal, even sperm-burping little gutter sluts like Monica would be completely covered.

* I believe that my mother's difficult and very personal decision to honor her marriage vows in the face of both infidelity and public ridicule says a lot about her ability to keep promises under challenging circumstances, and if you're the kind of person who considers that sort of strength and integrity to be "damaging", then I guess the answer would be "yes", although I think most people would disagree with your assessment.



Honestly, you'd think she'd have had something like that last one ready to go since 1998, wouldn't you?

Rating: 2.6/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (22) | Election 2008
March 26, 2008
Taking Their Ball
Posted by Frank J. at 04:50 PM | Email This

Apparently, quite a large number of supporters of both Hillary and Obama say they will vote for McCain if their candidate isn't given the nomination (more so for Hillary supporters). Finally the Democrats being a bunch of whiny bitches is working in our favor.

Rating: 4.0/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (55)
Grim Milestone Reached in Iraq
Posted by Harvey at 11:40 AM | Email This

BAGHDAD (Reuters) - The number of Iraqi citizens not killed by Saddam Hussein has reached 200,000, the U.S. military said on Monday, just days after the fifth anniversary of a war that President George W. Bush says the United States is on track to win.

The U.S. military said in a statement that the grim milestone was reached when 200 civilians were not murdered by Iraq's tyrannical dictator late on Sunday when no large groups of people were rounded up and shot in the head for making statements critical of their government. No one was wounded in the non-attack.

Non-tragic non-victims of yet another Saddam Hussein non-killing spree.

The non-deaths came on a day when the very dead Uday and Qusay Hussein were unable to pick women at random to rape and slaughter, owing largely to their inability to breathe, circulate blood, or stop being eaten by bugs as their bodies rotted in the ground.

The non-violence, in which dozens were not killed, underscored the fragility of Iraq's security. There has been an increase in non-attacks since January, but U.S. military commanders say overall levels of people not losing their lives at the behest of Iraq's President are expected to remain fairly consistent in the near future, as Saddam Hussein was too busy mingling his component molecules with the indifferent soil that surrounds him to significantly affect the Iraqi non-death rate.

What impact the 200,000 milestone will have on a war-weary American public and the U.S. presidential campaign will be hard to assess in the short term, but war critics are likely to remain deafeningly silent on it, as it does little to boost their case for U.S. troops to be withdrawn.

The U.S. military dismisses such tolls as arbitrary markers.

"It is artificial in the sense that somehow the lack of a 200,000th tragic loss somehow will be different from the first," U.S. military spokesman Rear Admiral Greg Smith told Reuters in an interview last week.

Anthony Cordesman, a respected Iraq analyst at the Center for Strategic and International Studies in Washington, said he believes, however, that the 2000,000th non-death could trigger another wave of ears-covered, eyes-closed "la-la-la-I-can't-hear-you" from those who oppose the war.

Rating: 2.6/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (22) | Newsish Fakery
If You Call Us Unstable, We'll Kill You
Posted by Frank J. at 11:03 AM | Email This

Some study about the most prosperous and stable countries ranks America 22nd. It's a clear fact we're the most prosperous nation, so are they trying to say we're not stable? And one of the reason they gave for that is the "proliferation of small arms," so I guess a dictatorship that effectively oppresses its people is much more stable... if that's somehow a virtue.

Here's something for them to think about: America could easily wipe out any of the 21 countries they ranked above us anytime we want. How stable is that?

Rating: 3.4/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (33)
An Idea
Posted by Frank J. at 10:47 AM | Email This

If Hillary wants to dodge actual sniper fire, maybe she should just try visiting Obama's church.

PARISHIONER 1: Why's that white woman heading over here?

PARISHIONER 2: She's probably going to try and give us some new government created disease!

PARISHIONER 1: Kill whitey!

That'll change who is the focus of bad press coverage.

Rating: 2.9/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (13)
Sorriest Thing in the World
Posted by Frank J. at 02:07 AM | Email This

Since I mentioned her a couple times, here's my poor bandaged dog:


"No chapter to Hellbender today?"

SarahK has more pictures and details. Maggie Katzen has a photoshop/caption contest at my poor puppy's expense.

Rating: 2.7/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (15)
March 25, 2008
Hellbender Returns...
Posted by Frank J. at 07:05 PM | Email This

Soon!

Had to take three cats and a bandaged dog to the vet today, plus a new opportunity has come up where I might actually write something and get paid for it. Still, I hope to get the series back on track tomorrow (it's plotted in my head pretty far out, so it's just a matter of getting it all down), and hopefully I'll get some time soon to get myself a few chapters ahead again. Hope you continue to enjoy it despite the delays (really, how long did you think I could keep putting out one chapter a day?).

Rating: 2.1/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (9)
lolterizt! Part 40
Posted by Harvey at 12:07 PM | Email This

A lot of entries this week, so once again I'm just gonna be one more card in the pack for this episode.

As always, pass 'em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don't be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.



From Jinxmedic:
terrorist instructions.jpg

From ColoradoRight:
infedels.jpg

From Cosmo:
Grit.jpg
[reference link]

From Harvey:
hide and seek.jpg

From DamnCat:
WeIzOff.jpg

From Geah:
30minutes.jpg

From Xaetognath:
no ap pix.jpg

From 5minutes:
stapuft.jpg

From acrazymic:
mexico.jpg

From Joel:
teh_street.jpg

From Erik Wit:
tp.JPG
[reference link]

From DailyBayonet:
rpg of antioch.jpg
[reference link]

From AlanABQ:
Spaaarta.JPG

And a late entry from Alan from last week, but I'm a soft touch so I'll post it anyway:
pantz.JPG



PRODUCTION NOTES:

#1: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won't end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

SOURCE NOTE: Snapped Shot is still making peace with the AP law-talking-guys, so he's off the radar as a direct source for images for a while (although maybe if you follow his links [hint hint]...) However, try Googling "AP photo" and your favorite MSM euphemism for "terrorist". You'll find plenty of material.

Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and - if they aren't obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don't suck too terribly bad - I'll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

This post dedicated to any media outlets that aren't trumpeting the US body count this week.

If there ARE any.

Rating: 3.1/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (10) | lolterizt
In My World: Answering the Phone
Posted by Frank J. at 11:23 AM | Email This

President Bush was woken by the phone ringing. "What time is it?" He glanced at the clock: 3 A.M. "Oh... come on..." He picked up the phone. "Do you have any idea what time it is?"

"Sir, this is Secretary Gates. We have--"

"3 A.M., Robby. Can't this wait until morning?"

"Do you have any idea what time it is?"
"Sir, we are on the verge of--"

"I'm a busy man, you know. I have stuff to do in the morning."

"Sir, this is very important. India and Pakistan are on the verge of having a nuclear exchange."

Bush was quiet for a moment. "Wow. Really? ...You really thought that was something worth waking me up at some ungodly hour? How in the world does that affect us?"

"We are talking about--"

"And what do you expect me to do, anyway? I'm not Superman; I can't just fly over there and grab the missiles out of the air. Did you get the presidential phone mixed up with your Superman signal watch, Dick Grayson?"

"I think you mean Jimmy Olsen, sir."

"It's too early in the morning for me to keep secondary comic book characters straight!"

"Honey?" Laura asked, half asleep. "Is it something important?"

"No," Bush answered her and put the phone back to his ear. "Why are they even doing this now? Doesn't India and Pakistan know what time it is? Don't they have to sleep?"

"It's a different time there, sir."

"Huh?"

"It's not the same time there as it is here?"

"What? Now time travel is involved? It's way to early in the morning for me to be dealing with this crap."

"Sir, a nuclear exchange is an unprecedented incident. This is a world changing event, and we will need you to lead."

Bush sighed. "Fine." He started to get out of bed.

"Ha! I punked you!" Gates said.

"Oh, man..."

"Yeah, there's nothing happening. I just felt like pulling a prank on you."

Bush laughed. "You got me. That's like the third time this week, you rascal." Bush hung up the phone and laid back in bed. "My staff is wacky."

Rating: 3.1/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (13) | In My World
We're All Having Windfall Profits
Posted by Frank J. at 10:12 AM | Email This

I heard an ad on the radio that pointed out how many people through mutual funds and 401ks have stock in oil companies and don't even know it. I guess the oil companies are hoping that next time they post record profits while gasoline prices are going up, some people will exclaim, "Awesome! Part of that is me!"

Sounds like a good strategy.

Rating: 2.5/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (22)
A Perfectly Imperfect Response
Posted by spacemonkey at 10:07 AM | Email This

I get annoyed at the all the Obamaniac's and their sacred chanting. Don't you?

Yes, We Can!
Yes, We Can!
Yes, We Can!
Yes, We Can!

So when you hear Obombified people doing this, interupt.
Shake your head sadly and confidently say

No, McCain't! No, McCain't! No, McCain't!

I admit it doesn' make any more sense than 'Yes We Can" but its also pretty hard to argue with.

Rating: 2.9/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (14) | No, McCain't
March 24, 2008
A Story, Bit by Bit
Hellbender: Chapter 9 - Contact
Posted by Frank J. at 05:09 PM | Email This

PREVIOUS

When Bryce and Lulu returned, Bryce was wearing a brand new suit and Lulu once again looked like she was dressed for high school. She now had on a small pink jacket, giving her some place to conceal a gun. The outfit she had obtained for Charlene was jeans, a biker jacket with metal studs, and a t-shirt with kittens on it. Doug merely got new pair of jeans and just wore t-shirt he already has on advertising the video game Death Legion 6 (which was no where near as good as Death Legion 5: The Reckoning). They also had a katana for Doug, which he thought was cool but figured the reason they gave him that is because they didn't trust him with a gun. He didn't think of himself as irresponsible; he just had some bad luck with firearms that was apparently much more memorable than the countless time he didn't fire his gun without mean to.

Prepared as they were ever going to be, they headed out, it once again being Doug's job to carry the weird cube in its cloth sack -- something he quite hated. He kept worrying it was going to do weird things to his soul, but he had no one of knowing if his soul was normal or not anyway. They were soon out of the slums into a somewhat nicer part of the city, and Doug realized a sword not only made him feel less prepared for any attack, but also made him more conspicuous. "Everyone will think you're so awesome, you don't even need a gun," Lulu assured him.

"No one is that stupid except maybe Doug himself," Charlene countered.

Bryce led them to the third floor of a decent apartment building. "Best behavior, people. This is a good contact into the upper levels of Dammon's criminal enterprise, so we need to look professional."

Charlene glanced at Doug and Lulu. "I don't think that's going to happen."

"So is this who you were sleeping with to get all your criminal underworld info?" Lulu asked Bryce.

"Tri-Lu! That's none of your business!" Bryce knocked on the door. An attractive, tall blond woman answered the door. She was wearing a black pants suit sans jacket, a shoulder holster over her white dress shirt. She smiled. "Bryce, glad to see you made it out of Shride in one piece."

"In crisis there is opportunity." Bryce motioned to the other three. "Lara, these are my associates I told you about."

She took a glance at them and seemed to suppress a laugh. "I imagined them different. Come on in." She led them into her apartment. It was neat but quite Spartan as well to the point it looked like it could have been decorated by a bachelor. Lara looked over Doug for a moment. "You any good with that sword?"

"I'm adequate."

"He's fought the Hallowed before," Bryce said.

Lara smiled, once again looking like there was a laugh just slightly below the surface. "So did you guys have much trouble getting out of that city in the middle of an attack?" Lara asked.

"Of course not." Lulu folded her arms and stared at Lara menacingly. "We're Team Hellbender. We're badass mercenaries."

"Hellbender? I like the name. Where did you get it from?"

"When I was eight, I saw in a book there was a type of salamander called a hellbender," Doug said, "and I thought that was cool."

"A salamander?"

"It's like a lizard... but wetter."

Lara laughed. "I know what a salamander is. Why did you name your group after a salamander?"

Doug thought for a moment. "Because it had a cool name."

Bryce stepped in front of Doug. "Ignore him; he's got a dry sense of humor that not everyone gets. So, do you think you'll be able to get us in to see Colette? I'm sure someone could use the arms we've acquired. Plus, we have something of special interest to her."

Lara giggled. "Ooh! Sounds important." Lara put on her suit jacket. "Anyway, I don't think it should be a problem getting you in to see her. You'll need to show up separately from me, though. I'd rather her not know my relations. Like you guys, I'm one of the Last Children, and any supposed lapse in judgment will be heavily scrutinized."

Bryce nodded. "Of course."

"You have spot on your shirt." Charlene point to a little red dot on Lara's collar.

Lara looked down and quickly spotted it. "Crap." She blushed a bit as she looked back up at her company. "You shoot people in the head so many times, you think you get used to the way things are going to fly everywhere, but it can still surprise you. I'll need to change." She disappeared into her bedroom.

Doug was now more than a little concerned. "When you lie to women and sleep with them, they usually end up so mad they want to kill you. Isn't really bad idea to do that to a woman who is actually is good at killing?"

Bryce scoffed. "She's a professional; she's not going to let girly emotions get the better of her."

"You all know that Bryce has no idea what he's getting us into and this is going to end very poorly, right?" Charlene stated.

"Of course it's going to be a disaster, Charlene," Lulu said, "but unlike you, we like to pretend otherwise. It's called optimism; it makes people more pleasant to be around."

Bryce did not look amused. "Stealing the merchandise was the hard part, and that's done. I don't know why you think selling it will be a problem; that's such a simple thing." He turned to Doug. "How does selling work?"

"Um... you give someone something, and he gives you money."

Bryce turned back to the women. "See? It's so simple, even Doug understands it."

Lara emerged from her bedroom, a new shirt under her suit jacket. "I have some work to do, but I'll see you tonight." She lead them all out her front door, locked it, and handed Bryce a piece of paper. "Here's where you'll need to be. Remember: Colette is above all a business woman, so don't waste her time or she'll rip your head off."

"Like for real?" Doug asked.

Lara just smiled and walked off down the hallway.

Doug turned to his friends. "She's not actually going to rip our heads off, right?"

"I give us about a fifty percent chance of being shot or beaten to death," Charlene said.

"Cool. I don't want my head ripped off."

NEXT

Rating: 2.4/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Hellbender Take Two
Relationships and the Fourth Dimension
Posted by Frank J. at 01:07 PM | Email This

NOTE: This is an explanation about relationships for liberals. Most others should understand this concept, but you can read it if you feel the need to refresh yourself on these fundamental principles.

I know many of you liberals are reacting to the connection of the racist Wright with Obama by noting controversial figures who were at one point near other candidates. I guess how you're looking at the situation is that Obama and Wright have been near each other on the three spatial dimensions, so if someone else has been recorded as being near a controversial figure in the known spatial dimensions you see that as exactly the same. What you're forgetting to factor in, though, is the fourth temporal dimension. When you tag the three spatial dimensions with a temporal dimension and look at the data, you'll notice a difference. Obama has been near Wright in the three spatial dimensions at many different times over the past twenty years. The examples you people have been bringing up involve usually a single temporal instance of spatial closeness. For two individuals to have what is considered a "relationship," you should look for many instances of spatial closeness over a large time period.

Using this new knowledge, see if you can understand why if I pass a woman in the hallway I now don't have as close a relationship to her as my wife of two and half years.

I should note, though, if you find closeness between a candidate and a racist on a fourth spatial dimension, this is notable regardless of the temporal dimension. If a candidate is meeting a racist in a universe beyond human perception, this is something voters should know about.

Rating: 2.1/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (36)
Police Arrest Priest for Interrupting War Protest With Easter Mass
Posted by Harvey at 12:26 PM | Email This

CHICAGO (AP) - Cardinal Francis George interrupted a protest against the war in Iraq Sunday at Holy Name Cathedral by quietly giving an Easter homily, disrupting the important message of peace being delivered by the protesters.

Cardinal George ruins war protest with 'message of peace'.

Three male and three female protesters vainly attempted to cogently argue the wrongness of the war by squirting fake blood on themselves and parishioners, but many fear the message may have been lost due to Cardinal George's obstructive scripture reading.

One protest attendee, Mike Wainscott of Chicago, yelled at the Cardinal.

"Are you happy with yourself?" he said. "There were kids in there! How can they learn war is wrong if you won't let them get splattered with a mixture of corn syrup and red food coloring? Are you happy now?"

Speaking afterward, the leader of the protesters, Ryane J. Ziemba, said, "We should all work for peace, but not by interrupting my petulant screeching about a war that doesn't affect me personally, since I, you know, never volunteered to serve in the Armed Forces."

Cardinal George said he was a member of a group calling itself "The Catholic Church", which issued a statement after the arrest, saying the intrusive sermon was staged "to reach both Holy Name's large anti-war audience - including Chicago's most prominent peacenik and hippie citizens, who commonly attend the church strictly to show opposition to the war in Iraq - and the many more viewers and readers of the local press, which don't give a crap about Christianity except on Christmas and Easter."

Kevin Clark of International Solidarity Movement told the Chicago Tribune that he attended to serve as a witness for the protesters and see to it that Cardinal George was prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law for interrupting them.

"If Cardinal George is a man of peace and is walking the walk and talking the talk, he should have confronted George Bush and demanded an immediate end to the war," Clark said. "Or at least held up a 'Bush=Hitler' sign to make up for wasting everyone's time blathering on about the 9th Commandment."

Rating: 2.3/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (19) | Newsish Fakery
Liberal Churches
Posted by Frank J. at 09:01 AM | Email This

Among the many odd things we've heard Wright say, in one of the clips he mentioned how awful it was that the Supreme Court Justices the Republicans appointed are going to overturn Roe v. Wade... because you know how important legalized abortion is to the Christian faith.

Actually, does anyone have any evidence these were supposed to be actual sermons about the Gospel and not just a political rant by a really ignorant liberal? Then again, I've never been to a liberal church, so I have no idea what stuff they talk about there. The whole idea of liberals and Christianity is kinda odd. At times, Jesus can be a real right-wing Christian -- especially about sex -- and liberals hate that. Isn't it a lot easier to just not believe in the guy than to find some way to twist around His words so that you can imagine Him saying, "Abortion is awesome!"? With the amount of scripture you have to ignore to say that fornication and homosexuality is hunky-dory, it makes me wonder why those people even bother with the Bible?

And do liberal Christians have some apocryphal story where Jesus mugs a bunch of people and then gives their money to the poor, because that would go a long way towards explaining liberals confusions of taxation and charity.

Rating: 2.4/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (29)
March 22, 2008
Why Would His Church Need to Preach the Gospel When It Has the Messiah in Its Audience?
Posted by Frank J. at 01:56 AM | Email This

Tell me that isn't really creepy in its own special way.

(hat tip Ace)

Rating: 2.5/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (31)
March 21, 2008
Hellbender Returns...
Posted by Frank J. at 05:33 PM | Email This

...Monday!

Due to a bleeding dog (she's okay, but her head is wrapped up like she just had brain surgery even though the only thing bleeding was her ear), I didn't have time to edit the next part of Hellbender (yes, I do attempt to edit them), so the story will continue Monday. If you don't like Hellbender, then you will be unaffected by this announcement.

Now stay tuned for IMAO's regular weekend programming.

Rating: 2.6/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (7)
McCain Locks Mother in Attic for Her Personal Attack Against Obama
Posted by Frank J. at 03:46 PM | Email This

Following the suspension of staffer for linking to a YouTube video critical of Obama, Senator John McCain has reportedly locked his mother in the attic for stating to visitors, "I don't like how Obama dragged his poor grandma into this."

"That is a personal attack," McCain explained to reporters. "And personal attacks have no place in my campaign. Thus, I have locked my mother in the attic with no food so she can think of what she's done."

McCain's mother is ninety-five years old -- almost as old as John McCain himself. She was unavailable for comment due to her being locked in an attic.

Rating: 2.4/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (13) | Newsish Fakery
Truthy Scienterrific Factoid!
Posted by Harvey at 12:01 PM | Email This

Researchers at Duke University subjected participants to subliminal images of the iconic Apple and IBM logos (during what subjects thought was a visual acuity test), and those who were shown the Apple logo generated more creative ideas after the test than did those who were shown the IBM logo.

[Hat tip: Jim]

Which brings up the obvious question - What effect does this logo have on people?

OBEY!

My answers in the extended entry, yours in comments, please.

Read More...


Rating: 2.1/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (36)
IMAO Public Service Announcement: Look Out for Barack Obama Identity Theft
Posted by Frank J. at 11:05 AM | Email This

Since Barack Obama had his passport data illegally accessed, he is at risk for identity theft. If someone purchases something from you with a credit card and claims to be Barack Obama, it would be a good idea to do some extra checks on his identity by asking a few more questions to confirm he is who he says he is:

QUESTION #1: What is your middle name?

CORRECT ANSWER: "It's racist to even bring that up."

QUESTION #2: How would you describe your grandma?

CORRECT ANSWER: "Typical white person."

QUESTION #3: If you found out someone is a hateful bigot, how quickly should you cut ties with him?

CORRECT ANSWER: "Within twenty years."

QUESTION #4: I will say a series of words, and I want you to say the first thing that comes to mind with each. [Say five random words, waiting for a response for each.]

CORRECT ANSWER: He should answer "hope" or "change" no matter what the words.

Next, ask him a series of questions about foreign affairs. If he's the real Barack Obama, he should have no idea what you're talking about.

Also, make sure he is not wearing a flag pin, as that would immediately identify an impostor.

Rating: 3.1/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Obama Can't Denouce My Idea Anymore Than He Can Denounce All White People (That's His Pastor's Job)
Posted by Frank J. at 10:05 AM | Email This

I was thinking my Obama '08 logo from yesterday is actually pretty awesome. If we printed up a bunch of those as stickers and put them everywhere, the liberals would be crying racism (though they wouldn't be sure by and against who) and it would be hilarious.

Anyway, here are some other ones for variety:

I think this is one people can get behind. Even if someone doesn't agree with all of it, it's mostly very forward-looking and positive.

Again, not everyone will agree with the entire message, but they'll recognize how positive it is about the future and respond to that.

I kid, though. Obama has a number of unique risks as a candidate as his wife mentioned in a 60 Minutes interview in February of last year:

KROFT: This is a tough question to ask, but a number of years ago, Colin Powell was thinking about running for president, and his wife, Alma, really did not want him to run.

MICHELLE OBAMA: Mm-hmm.

KROFT: She was worried about some crazy person with a gun.

MICHELLE OBAMA: Mm-hmm.

KROFT: Is that something that you think about?

MICHELLE OBAMA: I don't lose sleep over it, because the realities are that, you know, as a black man, you know, Barack can just be going to the gas station and get infected by a virus made in a government lab by white people to kill minorities, you know. So, you know, you can't -- you know, you can't make decisions based on fear and the possibility of what might happen. We just weren't raised that way.

Rating: 2.1/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Even Though She's as Racist as a Typical White Person, Barack Obama Still Likes to Drive His Grandma Around
Posted by Frank J. at 09:07 AM | Email This

I don't know where he drives her, though, because no one has seen her in some time. She's probably in some nursing home ranting about black people like every other white person her age.

Rating: 2.9/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (11)
March 20, 2008
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 09:22 PM | Email This

What's another name for the Ku Klux Klan?

Read More...


Rating: 2.7/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (18) | Fun Trivia
A Story, Bit by Bit
Hellbender: Chapter 8 - More Than Pathetic
Posted by Frank J. at 05:34 PM | Email This

PREVIOUS

"It's pretty plain looking." Bryce stared down at the metal cube. "I would expect something important to the Trans to be quite garish."

"I could put stencils of bunnies on it," Lulu suggested.

"So what is it?" Charlene nudged it with her foot.

"It's the bunny cube... or at least it will be when I'm done with it."

"I just hope who were selling the arms to will know what it is and pay us accordingly," Bryce said. "She's a disciple of Dammon... quite important."

"And when you play dice with it, you always win... because you always roll bunnies!"

"So we're just going to waltz in, hold up the cube, and say, 'Do you know what this is and want to pay us for it?'?" Charlene asked.

Bryce chuckled. "We're not going to do that, Charlene. For one thing, I'm not holding it up because that thing is weird and I'm not touching it."

"Everyone wins with the bunny cube!"

"It has a key in it." Doug finally pulled himself off the floor on which he was sleeping of the small, abandoned apartment.

Charlene gave him a dirty look. "Great job keeping guard last night, by the way."

"I was sleepy! Anyway, I saw the Devil again and he said there's a key in there."

Charlene looked confused. "You saw who?"

"Apparently Doug is being visited in his sleep by the personification of evil from biblical mythology," Bryce explained.

Charlene turned to Doug. "You haven't been reading that crap, have you?"

"What crap?" Doug realized he could have just said, "No," since he couldn't even remember the last time he read anything.

"Religious mythology, because you're just the kind of idiot that would fall for that sort of thing."

That stung a bit, but Doug felt there was some truth to it. "I didn't read anything. I just had some stupid dreams. Forget it."

Charlene sat on the room's one bed. She had taken off her uniform's jacket, but still looked quite military in the pants and tank top. "So are there any plans to get at least a change of clothes, or is a truck full of weaponry hidden in the desert pretty much all we have right now?"

"I keep telling you not to worry." Bryce checked his tie in the room's one dingy mirror. "Hey, what ever happened to my suit jacket?"

"I'm afraid I misplaced during one of the gunfights." Charlene checked the chamber of a pistol. "So what are we doing now?"

"I have some funds tucked away." Bryce tried to fix his hair with a comb. "I'll need a new suit, and Lulu can get you some new clothes while we're out."

Lulu was busy working at something on the ground. "Children sizes are hard to find these days."

"Lulu, if you get me something idiotic, i.e., something you would wear, I will hurt you. Do you understand that?"

Lulu didn't look up from her work. "Blah blah blah."

"This will all be sorted out soon," Bryce said. "As soon as we're ready, we'll be meeting up with a friend of mine who should be able to get us in to see Colette, Dammon's head honcho here. We'll sell the arms to her and have plenty of money until we get our next job. We have a new life; be happy."

Charlene did not look ready to be happy. "You understand that if people hire us as mercenaries, they'll actually be expecting us to do those jobs. You're not going to be able to BS your way through everything."

Bryce chuckled. "You put too much weight on your weapons skills, dear. This isn't going to be all about combat, and we all bring valuable skills to the table. I'm good dealing with people. Lulu has tech experience."

"And Doug?"

"Well, Doug..." Bryce thought for a moment. "...is good at carrying stuff. In fact, had I entrusted him to carry my expensive suit jacket, I'm quite sure I'd still have it. Also, he can throw a good punch when needed. He knocked out some guy for me just last week."

Doug knuckles were still swollen from that. "What was that all about, anyway?"

Bryce gave Doug a sharp look. "As I said then, it's none of your business."

Doug turned to Charlene. "And if you remember, I got an 'Adequate' score on my swordsmanship in my military training."

"And exactly what use is that?"

Doug knew the answer to that one as he had thought about it many times. "Guns aren't very effective against the Hallowed, but you can defeat them by cutting them apart."

Charlene laughed. "Except that one of the Hallowed could probably just tear you apart with his mind."

"See, Doug is useful. Since Colette is one of the Hollow, if something goes wrong it can be Doug's job to run up and give her a good punch and then cut her to pieces... if she doesn't kill him with her mind."

Doug shook his head. "I don't like the idea of hitting a woman."

Bryce shrugged. "Fine. Doug is completely useless. But we need four people for our mercenary group, but I'm sure just three of us being skilled is enough for any job. You ready to go, Tri-Lu?"

"Yeah." She got up from her hidden work and looked to Charlene and Doug. "You two be sweet while we're gone and guard the mysterious bunny cube."

"We're not calling it that!" Charlene shouted.

"Yes we are!" Lulu screamed back. She stormed out with Bryce giving a final wave before following.

There was a moment's quiet, and Doug decided to sit down on the bed next to Charlene. "You know, it's been a while since it's just been us two--"

Charlene sighed. "How many times do I have to tell you that I absolutely no interest in you, Doug? You’re a pathetic loser, and if you ever had the will to stand up to Bryce, maybe he and Lulu wouldn't feel so empowered to drag me into this crap."

"You'd rather have been left back in Stride? We're supposed to stick together, Charlene."

"Says who?"

Doug just thought that was the understanding they had since they were kids. "What else do we have than each other? The world hates us. They slaughtered our parents for stuff I don't even understand, and somehow we're the bad guys."

"And the answer to that is to be petty criminals?"

The answer, Doug thought, was to fight back. He just wished Stan's words were true that that was even possible -- that there was some power greater than the Trans. He looked towards the cube, now back in its cloth sack and lying on the ground.

"If that thing is actually something the governments want," Charlene said, "then we better get rid of it quick one way or another. If Elza's people we fought at the armory survived, they're probably right now trying to find out who and where we are. Who knows who else is trying to track it down."

It was a scary thought, but if the Transcendents really did fear the contents of the cube, then Doug wanted to know what was in there.

NEXT

Rating: 3.0/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (4) | Hellbender Take Two
Obama Can No More Distance Himself from This Slogan than He Can Denounce His Own Grandmother
Posted by Frank J. at 04:46 PM | Email This

I bet if I made this bumper sticker, it would sell pretty well among certain segments of the population.

Rating: 2.9/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (13)
Reading HuffPo Makes Me Giggle in My Head
Posted by Harvey at 12:20 PM | Email This

Why?

Hard to say exactly.

Maybe it's the way they ooze smug from every self-important pore.

Or maybe it's the condescending tone of absolute moral authority.

All I know is that if HuffPo were a right wing blog, it would read exactly like IMAO, except they'd mean every word.

Anyway, here's some steaming piles of Po, and me laughing at them:



"The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side. Oh joy! Rapture! I got a brain!"

"One of the most remarkable aspects of the Iraq invasion and occupation has been the administration's -- and mainly the president's -- predictably awful and irresponsible habit of placing the burden of the success or failure of this thing squarely on the shoulders of an already overburdened military."

Obviously pissed that it's been mostly success.

"As we mark the fifth anniversary of the Iraq war, the most troubling fact, in a long and tragic list of troubling facts, is that we already know there will be a sixth anniversary."

Yes, calendars are, indeed, troubling that way.

Through our continued presence in Iraq, we are compromising our key security partnerships and joint security initiatives in the places where they matter the most.

If by "compromising our key security partnerships and joint security initiatives" you mean "killing terrorists", I agree.

"Obama did more than talk about race. He began to build a progressive narrative"

Don't Penn & Teller have a series on Showtime called "Building a Progessive Narrative!"?

It may be easier to endlessly replay the latest gaffe from a candidate than to take your camera outside the Green Zone. But news of the ongoing wars shouldn't fall by the wayside.

"More 'America is losing' stories, please".

Would Barack Obama be any different as our 44th president, responding to domestic and international crises with just as much grace, power and erudition as he has already shown?

Good: Grace, power and erudition.
Better: Hellfire missiles.

Rating: 3.9/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (31)
Americans Like America
Posted by Frank J. at 11:07 AM | Email This

Apparently Obama has taken a hit in the polls. The lesson here is that Americans really like America, so, as a politician, you should be careful not to appear sympathetic to people who hate America. Actually, we started a whole war against people who hate America; we feel that strongly on that issue.

I think the only option now is for Obama to go on vacation in Europe. While there, he should wear a cowboy hat and an American flag t-shirt and be a total dick to everyone while demanding great treatment because, "I'm an American -- your superior!" Then maybe he can convince people he likes America. Americans prefer the leader of America to be someone who likes it, and I don't see that changing anytime soon.

Rating: 3.2/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (19)
How the D.C. Gun Ban Affects Hot Blonds
Posted by Frank J. at 10:21 AM | Email This

I think hot women are probably the best way to explain injustice.

Really, though, if D.C. gun laws are constitutional, then any restriction on a right can be justified.

(hat tip Conservative Grapevine)

Rating: 2.3/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (8)
March 19, 2008
A Story, Bit by Bit
Hellbender: Chapter 7 - Nothing to Fear
Posted by Frank J. at 05:06 PM | Email This

PREVIOUS

"Would you like to know what you found, Doug?"

Doug was once again seated in darkness with nothing visible but a man sitting across from him. "Crap! Did I fall asleep? I was supposed to keep watch. It's a really bad neighborhood Bryce brought us to -- well, I guess not much worse than where I'm used to living, but if we could break into this building to steal a room, then anybody could break in. Someone right now could be about to slit my throat and steal my stuff... except I don't have anything now except for that weird cube... which I kinda wish someone would take because it creeps me out. I mean, it just really creeps me out for some reason, and then we went near the wastelands which also creep me out and then to some apartment in the slums of some city I don't know with creepy people around -- I'm just very creeped out right now." Doug looked around as if to try and see out of his dream. "I really hope no one is about to slit my throat."

"Don't worry; you're fine for now," the Devil said, and Doug did stop worrying a bit, because the Devil always seemed to know what he was talking about and was easy to trust. "It was busy day and you need sleep, anyway. And before you get rid of that cube, I think you should try to understand what it is."

"Is it complicated? I'm guessing it's complicated. I was thinking if this is something important to the Trans and they're like already powerful enough to blow up mountains with their minds, then it has to be like super-duper powerful. Then again, I was thinking how I don't understand anything about those guys and thus something interesting to them might not mean much to me."

"I'd say it's somewhere in between, Doug. The demons seek it not out of power but out of fear."

"They're scared of it too?"

"For different reasons. It's not something in there that fills you with dread; it's what it lacks."

Doug thought about that. "It's filled with emptiness?"

"Something like that. Now, one of the damned -- the Hallowed as you call them -- the humans who have submitted their souls to the demons in exchange for immortality and power -- they would sense nothing were they to hold it. For that awful feeling you felt when you touched it is what they feel all the time."

Doug frowned. "That's horrible."

The Devil laughed. "Your sympathy is misplaced; they made their choices."

"Well, at least I know the more powerful people are these days; the crankier they seem." This was some interesting information, but he remembered how his friends told him to be more skeptical. "So... um... Mr. Devil..."

"You can call me 'Stan' for simplicity."

"Okay. Stan... do you have any ID that proves you're the Devil?"

"I'm not going to be able to prove it to you, Doug. You'll just have to see whether the things I say seem true or not and decide using that whether to trust me." The Devil chuckled slightly. "It will be matter of faith in the end."

"Okay... I guess that's reasonable."

"Back to point, the cube you found was made to prevent the contents from ever falling into the hands of a human. The mechanism to open it is located a spatial dimension you can't even perceive."

"And they don't want someone like me to have what's in there?"

"No. I doubt anyone would know what to do with its contents, but nonetheless the demons fear a human possessing it in case it might empower you against them."

"So what is in it?"

"A key."

Doug grimaced. He was hoping for something more interesting, like a jewel that would give him superpowers to fight evil. "What's it unlock?"

"Wrong question, Doug. You should ask what it locks."

NEXT

Rating: 2.1/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (10) | Hellbender Take Two
In My World: Throw Grandma Under the Bus
Posted by Frank J. at 01:17 PM | Email This

Obama knelt by his maternal grandmother. "You just sit here while I give my speech."

"You make me proud, little Barry."

"I will, grandma."

"Yes, I know, grandma. You hate Mexicans too."
Obama walked to the microphone. One of the crowd shouted, "We love you Obama!"

"I love you too, press," Obama said. "Now, it's time to talk about the important issue of race. As you see, I have my grandmother with me..." He pointed to his grandmother behind him who smiled and waved to the press. "...a horrible ignorant white racist."

"What! Why you little--"

"There she goes again." Obama chuckled. "Probably about to say another racial epithet."

"You little bastard! I--"

"Yes, we know, grandma," Obama interrupted her. "Black people love to steal and rob. You told me a million times." He looked back at the press. "Still I love her, and she showed her love to me in her own racist way, making sure she always had plenty of fried chicken and watermelon for my visits."

"I raised you, you ungrateful--"

"It's okay, grandma," Obama told her. "Remember? It's me; your grandson. I'm not going to steal your purse." He turned back to the press. "You see, I can't disown Jeremiah Wright anymore than I can disown my crazy racist grandma."

"How dare you compare me with that insane preacher you decided to hang out with. I should--"

"Yes, I know, grandma. You hate Mexicans too." He looked back to the press. "I want to create racial healing and understanding, so that's why I want you to know that all black people are just like Wright and suspect you white people of making HIV to kill them. From that understanding, we can begin the healing."

"I always knew you were a lying little--"

Obama laughed. "I better take my grandma home before she starts another ignorant, racist rant."

"We're all going to vote for you, Obama!" one of the reporters shouted.

"Thanks." He then turned to his grandma. "Time to go home now."

"I'm going to tell everyone how you--"

Obama looked to an aide. "Take her to a nursing home."

"Which one?"

"I dunno; one with locks."

His aides carted away his screaming grandma. Obama smiled to himself. "I love racial healing. Dumb crackers just eat that up."

Rating: 2.5/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (24) | In My World
lolterizt! - Part 39: lolprotstrz! Edition
Posted by Harvey at 11:56 AM | Email This

To celebrate the 5th anniversary of the start of the Iraq War, we're poking fun at Code Pinks, commies, Cindy Sheehans and other loudmouth street-polluting liberals this week. Entries were voluminous, so you only get one token nugget from me.

Also, as a mercy to those on dial-up, I'm limiting the number of photos in this post. Since some obsessive-compulsive types sent in multiple entries, I'll include some bonus links to their extra images so you don't have to miss out.

As always, pass 'em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don't be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.

NOTE 2: closed captioning for bonus pics is not available because my geek skills R teh suxxorz. If you're not sure what a caption says, leave a comment, and I'm sure some gloating, smug-ass l33t will post the answer.



From Hart of That Hero
lolz_baby.jpg

lolz_NYcrackheads.jpg

Bonus

From Cosmo:
sheenz_3.jpg

sheenz_1.jpg

Bonus
Bonus
Bonus

From Charles:
sheehanmilffail.jpg

mmoorefrtz.jpg

From Pam:
3-19 Pam pinkhokeypokey.jpg

From Harvey:
3b flop.jpg

From Bob:
ZZTOPZ.jpg

From John:
like anyone would put it in.jpg

taz me agin bro.jpg
[reference link]

Bonus

From Wendy:
happy rove.jpg

From acrazymic:
Alivebytehgraceoffrdtomson.jpg

3-19 protesters.jpg

Bonus
Bonus
Bonus
Bonus
Bonus
Bonus



PRODUCTION NOTES:

#1: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won't end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

SOURCE NOTE: Snapped Shot is still making peace with the AP law-talking-guys, so he's off the radar as a source for a while. However, try Googling "AP photo" and your favorite MSM euphemism for "terrorist". You'll find plenty of material.

Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and - if they aren't obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don't suck too terribly bad - I'll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

This post is dedicated to everyone who has pledged their lives, fortunes, and/or sacred honors toward winning this war.

Rating: 2.0/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (7) | lolterizt
In My World: Arguing the Second Amendment
Posted by Frank J. at 10:29 AM | Email This

"It's time to begin oral arguments on District of Columbia vs. Heller," Chief Justice Roberts said, "First, let's--"

"I will kill you!" Justice Scalia brandished a gun at everyone in the room. "You try and take my gun, I will shoot you and you will die!"

"You think Kennedy is the deciding vote? The deciding vote is my gun!"
"Scalia has a gun!" Justice Bryer shrieked.

"Dude, calm down," Justice Thomas told Scalia. "Now give me the gun."

Scalia handed it over. "I was just telling everyone I was going to shoot them."

"I know."

"Anyway," Roberts continued, "we will begin oral arguments by--"

"I will shoot you in the face and I will kill you!"

"Scalia has another gun!" Bryers shrieked.

"I will use this to put bullets in you! You think Kennedy is the deciding vote? The deciding vote is my gun!"

"Chill, man; come on," Thomas told Scalia and slowly took the gun away. "Everything is going to turn out all right, okay?"

"Fine."

"Let's all keep cool heads," Roberts said. "First arguments will be from--"

Scalia whispered to Justice Alito. "Can I see one of your guns?"

"You aren't going to threaten everyone with it, are you?"

"No. I just want to see it."

"Okay." Alito handed Scalia a gun.

"I will kill you all! You try and take my guns, you will all be dead by me shooting you!"

"Scalia got yet another gun from Alito!" Bryers shrieked.

"I will extra kill the liberal Justices!"

"You need to calm down." Thomas slowly took the gun from Scalia.

"Now let's finally get started," Roberts said. "The lawyer representing D.C. can begin his statement."

"D.C.'s ban on handguns is perfectly constitutional. There is no right to--"

There were a number of gunshots, and the lawyers fell dead.

"Okay, who shot the lawyer?" Roberts asked.

"Well, Thomas has all the guns," Souter said.

"Oh of course!" Thomas exclaimed. "If there is a shooting, blame the black man!"

Rating: 2.0/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (24) | In My World
March 18, 2008
They Let Women Blog Now?
Posted by Frank J. at 10:04 PM | Email This

John Hawkins has a great series of interviews with female bloggers to discuss advantages, challenges, and special slurs they get. The interviews are with Ann Althouse, Kathy Shaidle, Emily Zanotti, La Shawn Barber, and Mary Katharine Ham who has the most challenges since her name is offensive to Islam.

Rating: 3.3/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (10)
A Story, Bit by Bit
Hellbender: Chapter 6 - Concerns of the Gods
Posted by Frank J. at 06:40 PM | Email This

PREVIOUS

Asmod was at his throne as always. He never moved from it. He never needed to. He was everywhere, and his throne room only was for the convenience of the human mind in needing to believe a being had to occupy a physical space. It was the same as when people would look upwards to pray to the god of old; Asmod simply granted his subject a place to look to.

Robert Darius was still bound to physical form but had transcended the animal existence of being human. He still held the appearance of a man, but he certainly was quite more than one now. His devotion to Asmod had paid off with no longer being attached to a mere mortal form. Thus Darius had no need to have physical proximity to Asmod's avatar in three-dimensional space to communicate with his ruler, yet he still did so as was custom. "I assume there is no need to tell you this, but the device was stolen."

Asmod did not limit himself to a purely human form as he felt it limited the perception of him in the human mind. His face was a dispassionate gold mask which titled ever so slightly as if to face Darius. "I am aware." His voice echoed throughout the room while still not being overbearing. "I am also aware it was not Serpine or Loch who obtained it."

"They were certainly after it, though. I believe the attack on Shride was merely to cover that that fact."

"The loss of one city is of no concern. I need to know where the device is."

It was of some curiosity what made this device so important as to concern Asmod himself, but Darius knew Asmod would tell him what he needed to know. "To know so precisely where we were keeping it points to an inside job. I'm afraid the followers of Elza have infiltrated us again, and it appears they have your device."

"We cannot let that be."

Elza was of a great annoyance to Asmod, as Darius assumed she was to all Transcendents. While they tried to build something from this world, it seemed Elza treated it all as a game and used her fanatics to no other end than hindering everyone else. Further complicating things, she had no country, and her followers were hidden all over the world. Her current game was using propaganda to recruit fanatical terrorists, but she was a constantly changing threat. "I'll need some leeway to deal with her people. Most likely, those responsible are now beyond your borders."

"Do what you can, but don't go through Dammon. I don't need anyone else involved in this."

This was an even greater curiosity. They often went to Dammon for things that went beyond current treaties with the other Transcendents, so it meant something that Asmod didn't want him to know of the device... whatever it was.

"I can see your thoughts, Darius. The truth is, even I am not sure of what threat the device may be -- if any. It needs to be obtained and studied. It was but good chance we found it first, and now that we know of its existence, we need to possess it until the truth of it known. Also, we need to make sure no other Transcendent knows about it... if possible."

"I understand. Obtaining the device will be my only priority."

"Beware that Serpine will most likely task Loch with obtaining it as well."

Darius shivered. "Loch himself could not be let loose in such a way, could he?"

"Most likely not, but he is treacherous. Be wary of him."

"I will." Darius turned to leave.

"One more thing."

"Yes, lord?"

"There could possibly be another being at play here."

"What do you mean?"

"Someone powerful like us Transcendents... but not one of us. If you detect his involvement, I need to know."

At this point, Darius hoped Asmod could see all the questions in his mind. "Is this a great danger?"

"It is a concern. There are too many coincidences as of late, and when strings are being pulled, he is always the one pulling them. We thought he had no interest in this world, but if he is back, that is something we all need to know."

NEXT

Rating: 2.9/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (9) | Hellbender Take Two
An Idea
Posted by Frank J. at 01:22 PM | Email This

The Supreme Court is beginning to hear a case about the Second Amendment (they are looking at the constitutionality of D.C.'s gun ban), and I had an idea for another check and balance against the Supreme Court which sometimes seems like it has too much power. If the Supreme Court makes a decision the other branches don't like, it should be constitutional for members of the Legislative and Executive branches to wait by the Justices' cars so they can jump them when they exit the court. That way, Supreme Court Justices can make radical decisions if they want but they'll know they may have the crap kicked out of them for it.

You may notice a lot of my suggestions for politics is to add more violence to it, but that's just because there's so little in it right now and that's stupid. I wish it legally allowed to beat up a legislator for that oversight.

Rating: 3.0/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (33)
Wal-Mart Tweaks Store For Terrorists
Posted by Harvey at 12:26 PM | Email This

BAGHDAD (AP) - After Wal-Mart found rousing success by adding Arab-friendly products to their Dearborn, Michigan store, the retail giant has taken this formula across the ocean and opened it's first terrorist-friendly facility in Baghdad.

"Ramadan cards, Mecca Cola, and C4 - together at last."

With it's motto of "Allah Ackbar. Allah.", the new "Wal-Martyr" store in the heart of Sadr City's insurgency district caters to the underserved needs of locals who want the convenience of one-stop IED shopping.

"This is great!" said Mohammed Hasan. "I used to have to go downtown to buy dynamite from Mohammed, then across the river to buy fuses from Mohammed, and then to my brother-in-law Mohammed to buy remote control detonators. Wal-Martyr has everything I need, and less travel time means less chance of catching an American sniper bullet with my forehead."

Aspiring female suicide bomber Fatima Hameed was equally enthusiastic. "I'd resigned myself to meeting Allah draped in some drab, colorless bomb belt, but this store has all the latest designer fashions. Look!" she said, pointing excitedly, "They've got Bomby Hilfiger!"

Martyr-to-be Mohammed Salih, however, expressed some concerns. "I think it's great that the infidel retail establishment is finally following the lead of America's journalists in assisting with our Holy War, but I find it disturbing that a lot of these goods were manufatured in China. They have no respect for human rights over there."

Surprisingly, even America's military supports the new shopping center. "I used to have to run all over the city looking for terrorists to kill," said Marine Sergeant Lennie "Grits" Purdue. "Now all I have to do is hang out in the parking lot like a cop waiting outside a bar at closing time and shoot them when they come out. Like my friend Gerard says: 'Fish. Barrel. Bang.'"

Rating: 2.4/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (16) | Newsish Fakery
State of the Economy
Posted by Frank J. at 11:51 AM | Email This

You know what they say: "It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job, a depression when you lose yours, and an armageddon when Frank J. is unemployed." Really, if a genius engineer and programmer like me can't find a job, what chance does anyone else have? I'm this close to becoming a mad scientists and using my tech skills to "show them all." So, yes, the free t-shirt still goes unclaimed. I've gotten a lot of leads, though, from readers, so hopefully something will pan out soon. If you have any other tips or contacts to help me get tech employment in Boise, please e-mail.

In the meantime, I'm going to work on web programming skills since everyone seems to love web programming. Now that my rater seems to be working fine, I need to write some scripts to parse the SQL data for different purposes. So what's the way to go? A CGI script or something? I'm completely clueless, so please point me in the right direction. I want it to print out information for my own edification as well as make some scripts to generate HTML for things like a "Most Popular Posts This Week" feature. I want to write these from scratch and just need to know what realm in which to start.

And, if I don't find a job soon, I will begin soliciting tips on being a hobo and what boxes make the best shelters.

Rating: 3.2/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (29)
Principles for Sale (Cheap)
Posted by Frank J. at 10:31 AM | Email This

Waiting for that Obama's speech on Wright. I wonder if he'll later have to distance himself from his wife:

"I never in our years together heard her make such statements against America and I would have divorced her years ago if I had."

He could later use about that same statement to distance himself from the Democratic Party.

UPDATE:

I think he did really well, talking very positively about America while not completely throwing his pastor under the bus. Almost makes me want to take the blue pill and vote for him.

Anyway, there's plenty in it to pick at, but I don't think any flaw will overwhelm the speech in its entirety. I just hope news networks will nip in the bud the suggestion that's Wright's crap is par for the course with black churches. Obama reinforced that idea, and it's quite a bit venomous to just let it sit there.

Rating: 2.0/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (13)
March 17, 2008
A Story, Bit by Bit
Hellbender: Chapter 5 - New Life
Posted by Frank J. at 05:07 PM | Email This

PREVIOUS

There were screams of panic as the grenade clinked back against the floor, but Doug didn't look back as he followed his friends in a mad dash for one of the trucks. Charlene quickly took the lead, shooting one of the Amazons and grabbing her rifle without even stopping. Just as they reached the nearest vehicle, the grenade exploded. Doug could hear it pelting the surrounding with shrapnel, but he didn't feel any hit him as he scrambled into the truck.

The truck lurched upwards as the vehicle began to come under fire. Doug turned to see that Bryce was in the driver's seat while Lulu was in the passenger seat ducking and covering her head. Charlene was in back among the metal crates with Doug, and she returned fire out the loading hatch as she hit the button to close it. The chorus of metallic ricochets against the vehicle's hull died down as it rose into the air.

Lulu finally uncovered her head and looked out the windshield. "Looks like my plan worked! Yay me! I saved us all! Go Team Hellbender!"

"Throwing a grenade in the air is not a plan!" Charlene yelled.

"You're not a plan!"

Charlene growled. "What now?"

Bryce jerked the truck around and accelerated it forward. "We take a leisurely drive through a war zone where everyone is far too busy to bother with us. Then we're headed to Theed where we have a buyer for whatever it is we have in here."

A voice came over the vehicle's radio. "You do not have permission to take off."

Lulu grabbed the receiver. "Guess what? You have permission to suck it!"

Bryce laughed. "This sure got a bit bumpy when Lulu was discovered and those crazy girls got involved, but overall the plan worked out pretty well."

"Where was this plan you people keep referring to?" Charlene demanded.

"The plan was to get into the armory and grab a vehicle full of military weaponry," Bryce explained. "Which we did."

"That's not a plan! That's a statement of what you want a plan to do!"

"Well... it worked."

Lulu took off her uniform jacket under which she had a pink t-shirt a couple sizes too small. "Really, who made you queen of what constitutes a plan, Charlene?"

"Right now we're heading for a foreign country in an opposing military vehicle with three of us in uniforms of a nation their at war with," Charlene said. "If this is a plan, it's a crappy one."

"Well I had the foresight to wear something under mine." Lulu pulled off her pants under which was a skirt that if were any shorter would be a frilly belt. "Bet little miss prepared for anything didn't think of that one."

"I hate all of you! I really do!"

"Hey, you got to kill someone today, Charlene; you should be elated."

Doug finally took off his helmet since they seemed to be in the clear and looked out a gun port on the side of the truck. The whole city was now in flames. He hoped everyone got out okay... except for the job-stealing monkeys. "I guess it's just good we're not stuck back there." He saw something the size of a small city floating in the air. It seemed to pull in darkness around it, and Doug could not see it clear enough other than to know it was intimidating and evil looking. "That is awesome."

Bryce looked around out the windshield. "What? What's awesome?"

"This thing floating behind us."

Charlene pushed Doug out of the way and took a look and turned white. "It's Loch's flagship."

"That's trouble." Doug found another gun port and looked at the giant, flying craft. For a moment, it was like his vision zoomed in until he saw something clearly standing on the craft staring back at him. He couldn't even see anything that he could identify as eyes, but he knew something was looking right at him. Doug stumbled back and fell against a crate. "Dude!"

"I'm sure Loch has more important things on his divine mind than one meager truck," Bryce said, his voice cracking slightly. "Anyway, if he wanted us, he could just pull us out of the sky. Not like there's anything we could do about it. If there's no objections, I'm going to take us near the wasteland to limit the chance of running into anyway else."

"I don't like going near the wasteland." Doug tried to shake his previous experience from his head. "It's weird and scary."

"As usual, your objection doesn't count, Doug."

Charlene continued to watch out the gun port. "The really destroyed the whole city, didn't they."

"Just be thankful we got you out of there, Charlene," Lulu said. "It wasn't a unanimous vote."

"This whole attack was such a pointless display of power," Bryce stated with disgust. "I'm sure Asmod will eventually respond in kind. It looks like none of the Trans ever get a real advantage over the others. That's while we'll always have plenty of opportunity as mercenaries."

"We're going to be mercenaries?" That sounded cool, but Doug really didn't like getting shot at.

Lulu pulled a piece of paper out of the waistband of her skirt. "I have the form to make us official, self-employed criminals."

Satisfied they were far enough away from Loch, Charlene stopped watching outside and turned her disbelief to Lulu. "Official criminals?"

"There's criminal and there is criminal, Charlene." Bryce put the vehicle on autopilot and turned to face everyone. "Don't worry, though; I'm well versed in the criminal underworld to get us started. We'll sell whatever we have here and use it as seed money to establish our base of operations for our very own mercenary group. No longer will we be unappreciated tools of corrupt governments and gods. We will now work only to benefit ourselves."

Doug thought it did sound a bit exciting. "We're going to call our mercenary group Hellbender, right?" He was always proud of that name since he thought of it himself back when they were kids.

"Better to fail together than fail alone!" Lulu shouted.

Charlene sighed. "I made up that slogan to make fun of our stupid group. Just because we played together as kids, I don't know why you think that means I still want to be a part of your idiotic plans."

"If you're going to be a bitch as usual, we don't need you," Lulu said.

"I'm the only one of you who actually has any combat skill!" Charlene shouted.

"Yeah, we'll get killed pretty quick without Charlene," Doug said. "Maybe she should be in charge."

"Charlene is not going to be in charge; she's mean." Lulu stood up and put her hands on her hips. "I'm in charge."

Charlene laughed. "Says who?"

"It really is best that Lulu is in charge," Bryce said. "Asian women are very underrepresented in crime, so having her as our leader will be a big hiring advantage. In fact, we really have a great group as is for government contracts. We're at least half-female, which is a must. We have a token white male--" He pointed to himself. "--which they're actually starting to crack down on if you're missing. And then Doug... well... who know what the hell he is? We can just list him as whatever minority is particularly 'in' at the moment. Right now, I think we'll put him down as half-black, half-Hispanic."

"I really think I am Hispanic," Doug said. "I really really like nachos."

Charlene once again looked dumbfounded "People hiring criminals really care about all that?"

"Again, just because it's the criminal underworld doesn't mean it lacks all civility," Bryce explained. "And espionage jobs for the various governments are the most lucrative, and they'll always make sure to follow quotas."

"And you really think people are going to be dumb enough hire us?"

"We're the Last Children -- we're unaffiliated. When two governments have a cold war going between them, we're the sort they'll hire for deniability."

"It going to be a lot of fun," Lulu said, "and it should involve violence, so even you should like it, Charlene."

Charlene sighed and seemed to resign herself to her fate. "So do these grand plans involve a place for us to sleep tonight?"

Bryce turned back to the vehicle controls. "You worry too much."

"How about a TV for playing videogames?" Doug asked. "I was planning on playing videogames today... before everything got blown up."

"Soon, we'll have whatever we want." Bryce tossed Doug a pen and notebook. "For now, why don't you see if you can inventory what's in here so we can idea what kind of haul we have to sell."

Doug wasn't much of a weapons expert, so he hoped everything was labeled. He pried open one crate which had what looked like grenade launchers inside. "Cool." He wrote down "3 probably grenade launchers" in the notebook and noticed something else inside with them. It was a small cloth sack with an object about the size of an apple inside. Doug reached in to grab it, but immediately pulled back his hand in shock as what was inside was colder than ice. The object fell to the ground and rolled out of the sack. It was a smooth metal cube and it scared Doug worse than anything he had ever seen. He rubbed his hand and tried to regain his composure, but he was become overwhelmed with feeling that they were doomed. "Bryce, you know that important artifact you told the Protectors you had to secure?"

"Of course. I never forget my lies; that's an important part of lying."

"I think I found it."

NEXT

Rating: 2.9/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Hellbender Take Two
Obama to Give Speech on Race
Posted by Frank J. at 04:02 PM | Email This

Kinda like Romney had to give a speech to explain why he's a Mormon, Obama is going to give a speech to explain why he's a black man.

Seriously, though, Obama laid down with bigots for the purpose of political advantage, and now it looks like Obama's chickens... are coming home... to ROOST! (I agree with Ace that most disturbing part of that sermon was how happy Wright seemed with himself; I guess less religious people would find the murder of thousands of people a much more solemnly contemplative occurrence)

Rating: 2.0/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (17)
St. Patrick's Day
Posted by Frank J. at 01:19 PM | Email This

I should take this day to mention that the Irish are a blight to mankind. They are subhuman creatures best contained to their little island. The less said about those cretinous potato-eaters, the better. That's why I won't vote for Barack; his name sounds too Irish: "O'Bama." I wouldn't be surprised to find his real middle name is "Paddy."

I once went on a Europe vacation. I traveled all over the continent, but no matter what bar I stopped and asked to sample their liquors, the answer I always got was, "Sorry, the Irish got here before you and drank it all." Lesson learned: You have to get up pretty early in the morning to get to a bar before the Irish.

Put your Irish jokes in the comments. Don't worry about offending them; they're all illiterate.

Rating: 2.3/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (54)
McCain Gives VP Nod to Mitt Romney's Hair
Posted by Harvey at 12:26 PM | Email This

WASHINGTON (AP) - Having locked up the Republican presidential nomination, McCain surprised political analysts by naming his vice presidential running mate. In a press conference today, McCain chose Mitt Romney's hair.

Republican dream ticket - McCain/Hair '08

"Choosing a vice president is all about balancing a ticket," said McCain. "Mitt Romney has the kind of sleek, well-trimmed mane that makes people think of Kennedy or Reagan. I've got a combover that would make Donald Trump blush. Between the two of us, we make one important-looking figurehead that anyone would be proud to call 'Commander-in-Chief'."

Although pundits nationwide were quick to question the sanity of only choosing Romney as a running mate from the follicles up, the Republican de facto nominee claimed that it was the only logical choice. "From the forehead down, Romney bears too great a resemblance to annoying comic actor Steve Carell to win any sort of popular support from anyone who's ever seen The Office, Evan Almighty, The 40 Year Old Virgin, or anything else Carell's irksome, clown-like visage and trademark imbecile smirk have desecrated."

"What I and my straggly white combover REALLY need," concluded McCain, "is a solid dose of important-lookingness. The kind John Kerry exhibited, except without all the crazy liberalism. Since I'm almost literally dripping with crazy liberalism myself, all I need is a good 'do, and Romney's hair fits the bill perfectly."

Although Romney's hair could not be reached for comment, it did issue a press release clarifying that fact that its adherance to the Mohairmonist religion did NOT mean that it's ascent to the presidency - should the septuagenarian McCain die in office - would lead to any sort of American hairocracy.

[Hat tip to IMAO reader Laurie for bringing the Romney/Carell resemblance to my attention]

Rating: 2.2/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Newsish Fakery
I Don't Hate White People; I Don't Even Believe in Jesus
An Editorial by Senator Barack Obama
Posted by Frank J. at 11:11 AM | Email This

 Wow. Do I have egg on my face. Ends up my preacher was saying all sorts of crazy stuff. In my defense, how in the world was I supposed to know that he was off the deep end? Far as I'm concerned, all this worshiping an invisible sky fairy stuff is completely insane, so I don't understand how I'm supposed to sort one crazy from the other. Come on; just look at me. I'm a liberal elitist; far as I'm concerned, all this religion crap is for the rubes in fly over country.

"Far as I'm concerned, all this worshiping an invisible sky fairy stuff is completely insane, so I don't understand how I'm supposed to sort one crazy from the other."

 While Wright was preaching that blacks are the chosen people, I just assumed all the white churches were talking about how whites are the chosen people. It made little difference to me as I'm only half either. Now people are telling me his words were beyond the pale. Okay. So "the U.S. government created HIV" is crazy but a believing some guy fed thousands with a couple loaves of bread and fish is perfectly sane? Whatever, red states.

 The only reason I was even in church is because I needed some street cred in Chicago. Apparently I wasn't "black enough" so the advise was to go to Trinity. I figure I just attend a few times a year, and up goes my election chances. Apparently, I wasn't looking far enough ahead, though. Whoops. So, what was Wright preaching when I did attend? I have no idea. I was usually doing a crossword puzzle. Really, what do you want from me?

 So do I hate America like Jeremiah Wright does? Of course, but not for his crazy mythology-based reasons. I hate America because I'm an elitist liberal. I feel you're lucky I take time out of my important schedule to tell you how to lead your lives. I look down on America, American ideals, and the American people. I especially look down on religion. How hard is that to understand? The reason my wife has never been proud of America isn't because Wright has infected her brain with his crazy hatred; it's because she's a liberal too. How could she be proud of this country? It expects us to sit through church to be electable. Well, I guess you reap what you sow.

 I think that's from the Bible.

Barack Obama is a U.S. Senator from Illinois who only hates white people because of their privileged status... same reason any white liberal would hate them.

Rating: 2.4/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (4) | Editorials
Interesting
Posted by Frank J. at 10:09 AM | Email This

I read that Obama's church celebrates Kwanzaa. Does that mean he celebrates Kwanzaa? If so, that would be a number of firsts. Obama could be the first black president of the U.S., and he could also be the first person I've ever heard of who actually celebrates Kwanzaa.

Rating: 2.6/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (8)
March 16, 2008
Would it Be Funny, or is it Something Kos Would Do?
Posted by Harvey at 09:06 PM | Email This

So far, good responses to the call for lolprotstrz!, but some of the off-topic submissions are giving me other ideas.

There's definitely an loldemcrtz! in the future (not sure when, yet), but that makes me wonder - should we do a lolrepblcnz!, too?

Pros:

* Some folks with an R after their names just suck and could use a little kicking around.

* Entries don't necessarily HAVE to be derogatory to the person pictured (for example, smiling Bush with "ded teriztz makz me hapee").

* Unlike lefties, most right-wingers have a well-developed enough sense of humor to laugh at their own.

Cons:

* It might make a hippie smile.

Whaddya think?

Rating: 2.6/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (27)
McCain the POW
Posted by Frank J. at 10:32 AM | Email This

So that IMAO isn't inactive the whole weekend, here's a video the McCain campaign released about McCain's experience as a POW. You can make an argument that a cranky old bastard that can't be broken is exactly the leader we need right now:

Rating: 1.8/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (14)
March 14, 2008
A Story , Bit by Bit
Hellbender: Chapter 4 - Girl Power
Posted by Frank J. at 06:34 PM | Email This

PREVIOUS

Lulu grabbed Bryce's gun and put it to his head. "Grab his gun," she ordered Charlene.

Doug happily handed over his gun to Charlene who put it to Doug's head.

"Who are you?" one of the armed women asked.

"We don't have time for this!" Lulu ushered Bryce inside while Charlene and Doug followed. "Somehow Asmod's people almost found out about us. Now we have two of their officials. I'm sure they'll be of use."

"You think they knows what it looks like?" another woman inquired.

"Yes, I'm sure they knows what... it... looks like," Lulu said. "That's why they're of use to us."

It was a large room with high ceilings with an open hangar door through which vehicles landed. There were trucks on the ground being loaded by six more armed women, some dressed in the military uniforms of Asmod and others in more casual attire. There were also numerous dead bodies on the ground and not a small amount of blood. "Who are they?" asked a woman who appeared to be in charge and was wearing an officer's uniform with a bit blood splattered on it.

"They're the other inside group we had," explained one of the women escorting Doug's group. "I guess they got found out, but we have two government officials here who should help us find the device."

The leader looked suspiciously at Lulu and Charlene and then turned to Bryce. "So where is it?"

He pointed to a group of identical crates. "It was one of those. I could tell you which one exactly if you hadn't moved them around."

She punched Bryce, sending him staggering back a bit. "We need to just grab what we can and get out of here," the leader told everyone. "Serpine's forces will be here soon, and they'll be look for the device as well."

Lulu turned to Charlene and whispered. "I thought they were with Serpine. Any idea who they are?"

"I'm pretty sure they're Elza's psychos."

Lulu looked surprised. "The Amazons? Like the man-hating killers?"

"Yeah."

"I thought they were just made up to make fun of feminists."

"They're real and they are very violent," Charlene said. "The only thing is I heard that, as much as they like fighting, they're not actually that good at it."

Lulu frowned. "That's kinda sad. They look like they try so hard."

"Let's just get some plan quick to get out of here before we run into someone who isn't a moron and knows to kill us."

"What are you two chattering about?" the leader demanded.

Lulu shrugged. "The usual... how much we hate the patriarchy."

The leader noticeably gripped her rifle tighter. "And what were your names?"

"I'm Charmin and she's Roscoe, but you can call me Pippy."

"I know him!" a short blond haired woman shouted as she pointed at Bryce. Doug braced himself, because he knew this wasn't going to be good.

"So what? I'm a popular guy."

The woman looked quite angry, and Doug took a few steps away from Bryce as she came near. "He's not a government official. He's one of the Last!"

Bryce scoffed. "I'm not some zealot's son."

"You used me! All the time you were dating me, you were sleeping with my best friend!"

Bryce looked confused. "I'm missing your point."

"You said you loved me!"

Bryce rolled his eyes. "Well I thought it was pretty obvious from context I only said that to sleep with you."

She placed the barrel of her gun against Bryce's temple, but Lulu stepped in. "Calm down. Okay, obviously these two are useless, so we should just kill them... but not this way. Can I have one of your grenades?" Before the woman could answer, Lulu took a grenade off her belt. "Watch this." She pulled the pin and then exclaimed "Weee!" as she threw it straight up in the air. "RUN!"

NEXT

Rating: 3.4/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (6) | Hellbender Take Two
Obama on Hannity & Colmes?
Posted by Frank J. at 05:29 PM | Email This

The Wright issue finally made the front page of the Daily Kos (as a Recommended Diary) -- they seemed to be ignoring it as long as they could despite many individual diaries about it -- as Obama has written about his pastor on HuffPo. Also mentioned in the Kos diary is that Obama is going to go on Hannity & Colmes (as well as the other major news networks) to talk about Wright.

Damage control! Whether Obama can come back from this will show us how shrewd a politician he is. He chose to go to see an anti-American, racist nut for twenty years (and bring his children to listen to him), so it's going to be hard to belittle that as something we can't judge his character on (in his statement, he at least acknowledge these are legitimate questions). Obama claims he never heard any of these controversial statements while attending Trinity or talking to Wright in private, but that's hard to believe.

BTW, I hope this is unnecessary to say, but Wright's idiocy is not the norm for black churches. I went to a black church for a couple years in Florida (in that I and my wife were often the only people there who were not black), and what was preached there everyday was about Christ, morality, responsibility, humanity... you know, Christian stuff.

Rating: 1.1/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (32)
Question
Posted by Frank J. at 02:08 PM | Email This

If all the nutty statements from Obama's pastor being played on FOX News is from DVDs of the best of Jeremiah Wright, what does the worst of Jeremiah Wright sound like?

Rating: 1.9/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (23)
An Idea
Posted by Frank J. at 12:15 PM | Email This

If Obama wants to ease the minds of Christians, he should start spreading rumors that Jeremiah Wright is secretly a Muslim.

Rating: 2.4/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (18)
And God Said to Moses: I Hate Those Honkey-Ass Crackers
A Sermon by Jeremiah Wright
Posted by Frank J. at 10:54 AM | Email This

EDITOR'S NOTE: This sermon has been edited for language. This is a political blog, not some church Democrats go to.

 When Moses finally escaped the Egyptians, he turned to God and asked, "There could surely be no one as bad at those people?" God said to Moses, "Yes there are. Beware the honkeys. Beware the crackers. Especially beware the Jews. I hate all those people. Frankly, if you blow up their buildings, that's okay with me."

"That's right: NASA is going to send the black man to Venus where it is inhospitable to life and we will all die."

 That wisdom speaks even more to us today as we are beset by honkeys. America is a country founded by crackers and run by Jews that exists for no other reason than to kill black people. They invented AIDS to kill us. They made crack to drug us. They use hidden ninjas to stage black on black violence. Hillary does not understand this. In fact, she's busy in her hollowed out volcano working on AIDS version two. That's why they are scared of a black man being president, because he will cut the millions of dollars that go to black genocide and instead invest that money where God says it should be: In killing honkey!

 Yes, they will stop at nothing to keep the black man out of power and from his rightful job of cracker-cide. That's why they spread the rumors about Obama. They say he's inexperienced and he'll be a disaster. That's not an argument against him, because America deserves a disaster! So they try to say he's secretly a Muslim. Again, that's not an argument against him, because maybe he should be a Muslim. They're doing God's work: Blowing up the honkeys and the Jews. So only reason that all those crackers oppose Obama is that they know he's going to succeed at what he promises: Killing the honkeys!

 Now some tell me that we shouldn't be for killing the honkeys. We should just turn the other cheek. Who says this? That cracker Jesus! Well, answer me this: Has Jesus ever been called a [n-word]? Did anyone invent AIDS to kill Jesus? Well, maybe Jesus should not be lecturing the black man on what he should and should not be doing. As we speak, the government is working on plans to send all black people to Venus! That's right: NASA is going to send us to Venus where it is inhospitable to life and we will all die. So what does Jesus have to say about that? Nothing! God bless Jesus? No. God [expletive] Jesus! To hell with him! Throw his cracker ass out of here!

 Remember the story of Samson. When the Jews tricked him out of his strength, they chained him up so all the crackers could come and laugh at him. So, he turned to God with one last prayer and screamed, "I hate the honkeys!" which granted him a final burst of strength to kill them all. Though the crackers may now be keeping us down, we can have one final prayer to kill them all. That prayer is Obama... though his campaign would like me to remind you that I in know way speak for him. Amen.

Jeremiah Wright was until recently the Pastor of Trinity United Church of Christ, and has been the spiritual adviser of the Obamas for twenty years (though he would like to distance himself from some of the anti-American statements of Michelle Obama). Now retired, he hopes to finally read that Bible he's been hearing so much about. He hates the honkeys.

Rating: 3.0/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (20) | Editorials
March 13, 2008
A Story, Bit by Bit
Hellbender: Chapter 3 - Confusion
Posted by Frank J. at 05:02 PM | Email This

PREVIOUS

"Take her gun!" Bryce ordered Doug. Doug took the pistol from Lulu's holster and held it dubiously.

"What's going on?" one of the Protectors demanded, the group keeping guns on them both.

"The enemy has some sort of conspiracy involving the armory," Bryce explained, "and I was hoping this imposter would lead me to it. I guess you all screwed up that plan."

"You're too late!" Lulu said with as much menace as she could as she kept her hands behind her head. "You're all going to die here!" She added an evil laugh, but Doug judged it a bit forced.

"What do we care about the armory?" a Protector asked. "We're abandoning this whole place and the letting the stupid Children fight for it."

"Hey!" Charlene exclaimed.

"Shut up, you," Bryce told her sharply, and then turned back to the soldiers. "I can't tell you much about it, but there is an artifact of great importance to Asmod in the armory that unfortunately it seems the enemy has found out about. We need to secure it before leaving. Come on, there's no time to waste."

Bryce started leading Lulu away at gunpoint. "Come guard," he told Doug and then struggled to get his suit jacket off while keeping his gun on Lulu. He tossed the jacket to Charlene. "Carry that for me, Child."

The Protectors followed as well. "So the enemy might already be in the armory?" one asked.

"Could be. Be prepared for a gunfight," Bryce said.

"Loch will eat your blood!" Lulu shouted. She then whispered to Bryce, "You don't think Chen mentioned you?"

"I doubt she would so readily admit she was duped by one of us Last."

"And what exactly are we doing when we get to the armory?" Charlene asked quietly.

"We'll figure it out when we get there. No worries."

Doug still had the pistol in his hand and wasn't sure what to do with it. He had a bad record with guns from the brief time the government conscripted the Last Children in the military, so he wanted to put it away but didn't seem to have a holster. He tried shoving it in his pants pocket but it was too big, so he turned to Charlene. "You want to carry the gun and I can carry the coat?"

"Can't you even pretend to be competent for even a couple minutes?" Charlene shot back under her breath and turned away.

Doug thought of telling her he had been pretending competence for more than ten minutes already, but then he remembered he wasn't supposed to talk.

They soon reached the armory and stopped by the entrance. "The enemy doesn't know we're on to them yet," Bryce told the six soldiers. "Let's try to head in quietly and get a look of things. Are you prepared?"

"We can handle it. You have her?"

Bryce patted Lulu on the head. "The little floozy isn't going to be a problem."

"You're going to die," Lulu added.

The six Protectors slowly made their way in. Bryce turned to his group. "Any ideas for what to do next?"

"The loading dock is just inside." Charlene said. "I think we should just grab a vehicle and get the hell out of here before they wise up and shoot us all."

"I'm for that," Lulu said, her hand still behind her head. "My arms are starting to get tired; I don't want to be a prisoner anymore."

"Fine," Bryce said. "Maybe we'll get lucky and they've already loaded one of the trucks up for the evacuation. Let's just--"

Automatic gunfire erupted from inside. Two Protectors ran out returning fire, one clutching a bloody wound at his side. "They've taken it over!" He shouted to Bryce. "They've already killed everyone in there! I think they have the artifact!"

It took a moment for Bryce to get over the shock. "Well... that's... not good."

More gunfire tore down the two soldiers, and then four angry looking women emerged from the entrance pointing rifles at Doug, Bryce, Lulu, and Charlene. Doug decided to break the no talking rule. "Dude."

NEXT

Rating: 2.4/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Hellbender Take Two
Rating the Rater **UPDATE**
Posted by Frank J. at 02:14 PM | Email This

One of the points of the star rater is that it should work without reloading the site (I know how much you all whine about the site load time). It seems to work fine in Fire Fox, but apparently it doesn't in IE7. Because I love my readers (unlike many other blog authors who only see readers as things to aim at when urinating), I downloaded IE7 to try and figure that out. I hope you appreciate that given my aversion to Internet Explorer and downloading large updates from Microsoft.

BTW, this stuff is complicated. This rater alone involves Java, PHP, CSS, HTML, and SQL -- each of which have their own little idiosyncrasies to keep track of. The problem is most likely in the Java that's supposed to respond to the click instead of the hyperlink, but it works for IE7 on my test site so I'm having a little trouble tracking down the problem. Anyone have any tips on debugging this stuff beside putting it live and seeing whether it works or not? I really need to better analyze what happens at the click on the rater, but I'm new to web programming and am not sure how to isolate that.

I miss printf.

UPDATE:

With the help of readers Mark, E.T., and others, I think I have it working now. If any of you still find the rater refreshing the page (and you have Javascript enabled), please tell me. I'm new to the web programming, but this seemed a nice way to start to learn it so I can eventually add more features to IMAO and do some research I've been meaning to do...

Rating: 2.0/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (35)
Frank Ideas for Issues Obama Can Realistically Claim to Solve
Posted by Frank J. at 01:35 PM | Email This

Since Obama has about as much political experience as the average college Republican, it's a little much for him to campaign saying he can solve big problem like terrorism and nuclear proliferation. So, I was thinking that what he needs to do is focus on problems he can realistically claim to be able to solve even with his limited experience and ability. Here are some ideas:

* Lack of trendy dog sweaters.

* Uneven M&M color distribution.

* America's post offices need better decorations.

* Disorganized pantries.

* Bunny rabbits need more hugs.

* American are falling behind in basic whistling skills.

* The unavailability of rock candy.

* Too many honkeys (his pastor can help him with that one).

If the Obama campaign needs more suggestions, I am available (and you'll get a free t-shirt for hiring me). You all can also put other ideas for problems Obama can tackle in the comments.

Rating: 2.8/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (24)
Gotta Agree With Ferraro On This One
Posted by Harvey at 12:20 PM | Email This

Geraldine Ferraro, the 1984 Democratic Vice-Failure, said of Barack: "If Obama was a white man, he would not be in this position. And if he was a woman (of any color) he would not be in this position. He happens to be very lucky to be who he is. And the country is caught up in the concept."

It's true.

Barack is a handsome, pleasant-voiced, smooth-talker whose charming allure makes you REALLY want to take him up on his attractive offers until you realize - perhaps too late - that there's a... downside... to what you're agreeing to.

Since he's black, he's a presidential contender for the Democrats.

Were he white, there's a broader - though less prestigious - range of career opportunities he'd be more likely to engage in:



* Pre-owned vehicle acquisition facilitator.

* Guest on a real estate infomercial fake talk show.

* Leader of a quirky religious movement that invests heavily in rat poison and powdered drink mixes before investing heavily in one-way tickets to a small, South American country.

* Cannibal from Milwaukee.

* Host of a reality TV show who suggests that eating a plateful of raw bull testicles is TOTALLY worth it because you'll have a 1-in-7 shot of getting a 15-minute phone call home if you do.

* Client 9

* Wraparound shade-wearing leader of a mediocre Irish rock band who touts letting Third World crapholes default on their loans as "a humanitarian invesment opportunity".

* Right wing political humor blogger offering "free" T-shirts.

* Quarterback of a Massachusetts-based professional football team, leading his team to a "perfect" season.

* Being John Edwards.



Anything else Barack-lite might be doing for a living?

Rating: 2.7/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (22) | Election 2008
With a Pastor Like That, No Wonder Obama Is Secretly a Muslim
Posted by Frank J. at 11:08 AM | Email This

Obama's book's title, The Audacity of Hope, came from a sermon of his pastor Jeremiah Wright. I guess he chose another sermon of Wright to base his book on, it would be called Jesus Hates Honkeys.

The existence of Wright offends me as a Christian, but this is supposed to be who Obama got his spiritual teachings from? In fact, secretly being a Muslim might actually be better than taking this guy's sermons seriously.

Rating: 3.1/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (27)
Hippy Obama
Posted by Frank J. at 10:25 AM | Email This

Is this for real?

He wants to end missile defense, hinder development of better weapons for the military, and actually believes in the fantasy of there being no nuclear weapons? Holy crap.

I've especially never gotten idiot liberals' opposition to missile defense. Other countries have nuclear missiles. We don't want to get hit by nuclear missiles. So let's make a defense to nuclear weapons.

No? That would be warmongering? Not wanting to get hit by nuclear weapons is warmongering? Are you retarded?

I thought conservatives were supposed to be anti-science or something, but liberals seem to be quite against the logical progression of technology when it's, you know, useful.

Anyway, as I've said before, I really think Obama is the weaker of the two Democrat candidates.

So anyone have any idea when and where this video comes from?

(hat tip Pork & Beans)

UPDATE:

Here's the same statement straight from Obama's campaign. To think I actually gave him the benefit of the doubt that he wasn't that stupid.

I guess he really hopes we'll never be attacked, otherwise be prepared for some violent change!

Rating: 1.3/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (24)
I Say If You Want a Sub One Star Rating, Bad Puns Are the Way to Go
Posted by Frank J. at 12:14 AM | Email This

You hear about that new feline rapper?

Read More...


Rating: 2.9/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (18)
March 12, 2008
A Story , Bit by Bit
Hellbender: Chapter 2 - No Choice
Posted by Frank J. at 06:06 PM | Email This

PREVIOUS

"So I had a weird dream last night--"

"I'm going to stop you right there, Doug." Bryce was busying flying the vehicle and making sure they took a path near the least explosions. "That doesn't sound like the beginning of a statement either of us are going to care about."

"But it wasn't like a dream. It was just the Devil talking to me and he said--"

"The Devil?" Lulu asked. "Like with horns and a pitchfork?"

"No, he looked like a regular person."

"So how did you know he was the Devil?" Bryce said.

"Did you ask for ID?" Lulu added.

Bryce scoffed. "Doug wouldn't know what proper ID would look like."

"Yeah," Lulu admitted, "and I bet IDs are very easy to forge in dreams."

"Lucky for us, they're also easy to forge in real life."

"You guys are making fun of me, aren't you?" Doug said. "You know, I was perfectly happy not committing treason today."

"Calm down. We're just about there." Bryce slowed the vehicle and began a descent. "It going to mainly be on you, Tri-Lu, since you have the real ID."

She held up Chen's badge with photo. "I really don't think I look too much like her; I'm much cuter. Hopefully they'll just be looking at my chest."

"I never look at anything else."

A bit panicked, Doug raised and waived his hand. "What am I supposed to do again?"

"Follow us. Not talk." The vehicle came to a rest, and Protectors -- presumably real ones with guns -- converged on it.

Lulu got out and flashed her ID. "As you can see by my close resemblance to this photo, I'm Major Chen. We have business here and we need to be quick about it."

"The base is being evacuated soon," one of the Protectors warned.

"We know," Bryce said. He got out of the vehicle as well, and Doug decide to follow and stay behind him. "That's why we need to a quick inventory of the armory."

"And who are you?"

"I'm with the government." Bryce flashed some ID quickly. "As you can tell from the gunfire, we don't have a lot of time for stupid questions. We're heading to the armory; you can follow if you want."

"But..." one of the Protectors started to say, but Bryce and Lulu were already walking away with Doug quickly following. The Protectors stood back watching for a moment, but soon went back to more pressing matters as gunshot and explosions grew near.

"So far so good," Bryce remarked.

Lulu giggled. "I like ordering people around. I'm going to do that more to the next people we encounter. How do I tell if I outrank them?"

"We can ask Charlene when we find her." They were outside in the main part of the base, and most people were running around quite purposely. Bryce kept scanning the people around them. "I forget where the armory is anyway, so we probably need her. Think she has her phone on her?"

Doug spotted a petite young woman walking nearby in fatigues and carrying a tray of coffee. He was about to shout out, but then he remembered his no talking directives. Instead, he tapped Bryce on the shoulder and pointed towards her.

"Good work, my mute manservant." They headed towards her, Lulu reaching her first.

"Give me my half-caf, puke!" Lulu shouted.

Charlene turned around to do a quick salute, but her face changed to shock when she saw Bryce and Lulu. "What the hell are you doing here? Where did you get that uniform, Lulu?" Doug stumbled a bit as he caught up to them. "Is that Doug?"

Bryce laughed. "They have you doing coffee runs while the city is about to be burned to the ground? I guess sucking up to the Hollow ones really got you the respect you wanted."

Lulu looked over Charlene's uniform. "They make you wear that baggy thing? And do you even have a gun?"

"They've trained me with one and I will be issuing me one today so I can be a part of this defense."

"They are already evacuating, you nitwit," Bryce said. "Asmod's forces are going to arm some of the Last who are dumb enough to stay fighting to give them more time to escape."

"Won't it be fun being one of them?" Lulu exclaimed. "Yay dying for people who hate and despise you!"

Charlene's expression was a mix of anger and hesitancy. "You don't know that."

"Come on, Charlene, you've been training to be the tiniest soldier for how long now?" Bryce asked. "And what do they have you doing?" He knocked the coffee from her hands. "Stop working so hard to be a pawn, okay? This place is going down, and it's best we find our own way out."

"So I'm better off with you losers? Is that my choice?"

"You don't have a choice; that's the point." Bryce said. "We don't like each other--"

"I like all of you," Doug interrupted.

"...and we all especially hate Doug," Bryce continued, "but there's no use pretending we have anyone else to turn to. We're earth's Last Children; the world hates us."

"They say we can all be no more than liars and thieves, so we respond by being liars and thieves?" Charlene asked.

Bryce smiled. "Yeah, it's a vicious cycle; what are you going to do?"

"Anyway, we just brutally murdered Major Chen and left your DNA all over the crime scene," Lulu told Charlene. "So you don't have any choice but to go with us."

Bryce gave Lulu a look.

"I'm just trying to speed things up. This uniform is itchy."

"You really a part of this, Doug?" Charlene inquired.

He shrugged. "I just found out about this like an hour ago and I'm still not quite sure what's happening. I really think you should come with us, though, because it is looking pretty bad. I don't want to die here if that's what's happening. I especially don't want to get tortured by Loch... I don't want that happening to you either."

Charlene looked in pain pushing down so much anger. "If things go wrong, I'll kill you before they can. So what are we doing?"

"Just take us to the armory and act like everything is fine," Bryce said. There was an explosion nearby. "Well... not fine, but no worse or no better than everyone else thinks it is."

Charlene motioned them to follow. "Go team Hellbender!" Lulu yelled, getting an audible sigh from Charlene.

"Stop right there!"

They spun around to see five Protectors running towards them. One of them pointed at Lulu. "You're not Major Chen."

"But I have an ID an everything," she whined.

"Which Chen just reported was stolen."

Bryce rolled his eyes. "There goes that plan." The Protectors were quick with their guns, but Bryce was quicker, pulling out his revolver and putting it to Lulu's head. "Hands up!"

NEXT

Rating: 2.5/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (3) | Hellbender Take Two
Dude!
Posted by Frank J. at 02:47 PM | Email This

An entire episode of Arrested Development (white people love Arrested Development) embedded on my blog:

They have all the episodes there!

Know what; don't even bother with IMAO today. Just go to Hulu and watch tv shows and movies for free and embed them on your blog. Like if you haven't seen them yet, go watch all the episodes of Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. This is so awesome it seems like it should violate all sorts of copyright laws!

But it doesn't! (I think...)

UPDATE:

They have all the episodes of Firefly!

I love this episode.

If it's a great show FOX canceled, apparently they have all the episodes for free.

UPDATE 2:

I realize now that my brother had told me about this site awhile ago back when they were beta testing it. I guess I didn't understand the significance of it at the time as I must have been like, "Stupid Marine; what does he know?" Apparently, sometimes Marines know stuff.

Rating: 2.3/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (16)
In My World: Newsworthy
Posted by Frank J. at 01:03 PM | Email This

"General Petraeus, I have a question for you," President Bush said.

"Sure. What is it, Mr. President?"

"What do you think about a war with Iran?"

"That would be extremely idiotic at this juncture, sir."

"That's right! It's shocking! Shocking and newsworthy! Any questions? I'm sure you must have many."
Bush nodded. "Yeah... but would it be newsworthy?"

"Yes, I could see that being a hot topic."

"Like, do you think it would lead the news cycle?"

Petraeus pondered that. "Yes... unless Britney Spears had a tragic death."

"Well, what's the chance of that?"

Petraeus shrugged. "Hard to say."

Bush thought for a moment. "Well, I guess that's just one of the risks when going to war. You see, I'm tired of all the news being about the next president. I'm still president. The news should be about me. And I'm tired of hearing about that Obama." Bush leaned close to Petraeus ear and whispered, "I hear his middle name is 'Hussein,' just like that bad man."

"Why are you whispering?"

"If McCain hears me mention that, he gets angry. And, he could be president one day and abuse his power against me!" Bush leaned close to Petraeus again and whispered, "I also saw Obama in Muslim clothes."

"Where did you see that?"

"At a mosque."

"Why were you at a mosque?"

"To pray towards Mecca."

"Are you sure that actually happened?"

"I didn't get to be president by being sure of things!" Bush went and sat back at his desk so he could pound it for emphasis. "Now what was I talking about?"

"I hesitate to remind you, but you were talking about war with Iran."

"Yeah, let's do that."

* * * *

"I decided to make this announcement in person," Bush told the press.

"We like Dana Perino better," a reporter said. "She's pretty."

"Well you're stuck with me today!" Bush shouted. "If any of you were hoping for a date with Dana, it ain't gonna happen because she hates all of you!"

"Plus, she's married," a reporter said.

"How do you know that? Are you stalking her? You're creepy! Now, as I was saying, I have an important announcement... which I forgot but I wrote it down somewhere." Bush pulled out some index cards. "Red, Yellow, Blue, Red, Red, Blue, Blue, Red, Yellow, Blue... wait, I think that's a cheat code for X-Box game I wrote down..." He pulled out another card. "Here it is: I'm going to war with Iran!"

There was an audible gasp among the press.

Bush smiled. "That's right! It's shocking! Shocking and newsworthy! Any questions? I'm sure you must have many."

Helen Thomas stepped forward. "Why do you want to kill Iranian children? What do you have against Iranian children?"

Bush rolled his eyes. "I thought she was dead! I'm only talking to you guys myself because I thought I heard she was dead! Next question."

"Why?"

"Because..." He paused for a moment. "Oil, I guess. Does that make sense?"

"I thought the problem with Iran is them pursuing nuclear weapons?" a reporter said.

"Maybe that then," Bush responded. "The point is, I have a good reason. Next question."

"What troops will you use for this operation? Aren't they already over-extended in Afghanistan and Iraq?"

Bush thought for a moment. "Well, what are you doing?"

"Um... reporting."

"That's not important." Bush turned to his Secret Service. "Seize him! He's drafted and going to Iran!" The Secret Service dragged away the screaming reporter while Bush looked back to the press. "See, I can do stuff like that because I'm still the president and powerful! Next question!"

"Will you be using local support to overthrow the current regime?"

Bush shook his head. "Nah... don't plan on that."

"But aren't there many Iranians opposed to the current regime who want democratic reforms?"

"Maybe... but sucks to be them, I guess. I'm not falling into the trap of trying to set up a new government again; this time we'll just obliterate the enemy country. In fact, I've been talking to NASA for a plan to nuke it from orbit like they should have done in Aliens."

The press stared at him in shock and confusion.

"You know... 'Game over, man! Game over!'" The press continued to stare at him. "You don't know that movie? I swear that sometimes you guys are so stupid that it's unbelievable."

"You're going to do a nuclear strike against Iran from space?" a dumbfounded reporter asked.

"Exactly! I bet you guys such stupid and shoddy reporters, though, you'll say I was referencing the first movie, Alien." Bush thought for a moment. "Then again, it is pretty confusing that the sequel is just the plural of the first movie. You kinda always want to say, 'The second Alien movie,' just to be clear." He looked up at the reporters. "Now what was I talking about again?"

"Hey it's Obama together with Spitzer!" a reporter shouted. "And Spitzer brought his hookers with him!"

The reporters all ran to the new spectacle. "No! Stay here!" Bush yelled at them. "I'm important! Come on! Obama probably just mistook Spitzer for a foreign leader because he's inexperienced just like Hillary is kindly warning us!" Bush stood there a moment, alone. "Guess I might as well see what my dad is up to."

Rating: 2.4/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (7) | In My World
Middle School Student Suspended for Having Gun in Name
Posted by Harvey at 12:10 PM | Email This

LANCASTER, PA (AP) - The family of Pennsylvania middle school student John Gunderson has filed a federal lawsuit against the school district after John was suspended for having a last name that starts with "gun", in violation of Penn Manor High School's "zero-tolerance" policy.

One of many posters at Penn Manor promoting a safe learning environment.

"This is the craziest thing I've ever heard of," said John's father Michael Gunderson, "but in a strange way, I guess we should have seen it coming. Last December, they suspended a kid for having a picture of a gun on his T-shirt. Not a 'I'm going to Columbine your ass' kinda T-shirt, mind you, but a 'I'm going to kill terrorists' kinda T-shirt. What kind of decent American WOULDN'T like that T-shirt after 9-11?"

"Still," continued Michael, "I didn't think they'd get any loonier than that. When John told me about a kid in his English class who got suspended for writing a report on famous animal trainer Gunther Gebel-Williams, I still didn't make the connection. I just figured his teacher was some sort of animal rights whack-job who thought that anything you do to an animal besides letting it eat you automatically qualifies as cruelty."

"Guess I was wrong," he concluded sadly.

An attorney for the school district said the school must create a safe environment for students in the post-Columbine era, and bringing even the letters g-u-n to school violates the district's policy.

"There's a much higher level of sensitivity these days," Penn Manor attorney Kevin French said. "But it's based on reality. After we banned actual G-words, and then images of G-words, the next logical step is to completely ban the G-word itself. John G-wordderson's name is obviously in violation of that policy. The only way to protect our community's children is to provide them with a 100% safe learning environment, and we've really only just beG-word to do that."

Rating: 1.5/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (22) | Newsish Fakery
"If Only There Was an Organization Sworn to Defend That Free Speech"
Posted by Frank J. at 11:43 AM | Email This

I think IMAO has a new hero on The Daily Show:

(hat tip Hot Air)

Rating: 3.4/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (17)
Interesting...
Posted by Frank J. at 10:43 AM | Email This

I didn't think Democrats quit over scandals involving sex. A while ago, Ted Kennedy put the bar pretty low for what's allowable behavior for a Democrat politician, but I guess popularity plays a part of it. If Spitzer had a friend left, he could probably stay in as governor and make a speech for the tolerance of john-Americans. Then again, there is the hypocrisy. Usually a Democrat wouldn't have any hypocrisy with a sex scandal since they have no standards in that area, but Spitz had prosecuted prostitution rings before so he hits the hypocrisy anyway.

So do you think the lesson Democrats will learn from this is to have higher standards of themselves in personal behavior or be even more careful not to be linked to any moral standards so you can't be called on them?

Rating: 2.3/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (17)
Desperately Seeking a Sub-1-Star Post Rating
Posted by Harvey at 06:11 AM | Email This

Such miserable, tortured creatures IMAO readers are. Sweaty, twitching, and racked with guilt, they wrestle with the sickening knowledge that turning on their computers to grovel at the feet of their precious blog-God inevitably increases the size of their carbon footprints, and they weep for having thoughtlessly stuck their callous knives into the breast of Mother Earth.

Forgive them, sweetest Gaia, for they know not what they do.

Gaia.jpg

Rating: 2.8/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (13)
March 11, 2008
American Idol!
Posted by Frank J. at 11:04 PM | Email This

For those who like American Idol, SarahK is semi-liveblogging it at Snark Raving Mad.

And who doesn't like it; it's American!

Rating: 2.9/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (11)
Sptizer Hooker Proclaims: I’m Ready On Day One!
Posted by RightWingDuck at 06:33 PM | Email This

Although Governor Eliot Spitzer has not been heard from all day, (aides say he’s formulating a plan on fighting crime and corruption in NY), a new candidate has emerged as a potential replacement should he resign.

Wanting to be known only as Candidate 9, Governor Spitzer’s favorite Lady of the Evening proclaims, “I have intimate experience sleeping with the governor. I don’t see how that CAN’T qualify me for this very important office.” Governor Spitzer recently was tied to a very high end prostitution ring.

Speaking to reporters via conference call she emphasized that although she would be doing to the public exactly what she had been doing to the governo,r that she wanted to emphasize her record in making the rich pay their fair share. The conference enthralled reporters. Even though the prepared statement took two minutes to read, she spent 20 minutes talking dirty.

Should Candidate 9 not be elected to office, she is also considering her own perfume series – potentially called Love Potion.

Rating: 2.4/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (12)
A Story, Bit by Bit
Hellbender: Chapter 1 - Creating Opportunity
Posted by Frank J. at 05:01 PM | Email This

PREVIOUS

"We're going to steal arms from the military."

Bryce Worthington said it as if it was some genius idea, but Doug didn't quite see the appeal. He looked to Lulu Lui, but she seemed okay with the concept. Then again, she was wearing a military officer's uniform for some reason. He turned back to Bryce. "Isn't that treason?"

Bryce scoffed. "Come on; everyone does it. It's like the jaywalking of treason. You ever jaywalked, Doug?"

"Yeah, but I got yelled at."

"Well... if that's the worse that happens, then I think we'll have come out pretty well."

"Would an officer wear this much eye shadow?" Lulu checked out her face and uniform in a mirror. She wore it quite well, but pigtails wasn't the most authoritative of hair styles. "Eh, what do I care what other officers do; I'm my own person."

"Where did you get that uniform?" Doug asked. Bryce was in a new suit, but Doug knew there was no point in asking him about it.

"I decided to join the military, and they thought I was so cute they went ahead and made me a Major."

"So why does your nametag say 'Chen'?"

"When they made me a Major, they decided to give me a name more officiery."

Doug looked around the room. It had a very nice view of the city. "And whose apartment is this?"

"Doug, what's with all the questions?" Bryce took on an angry tone. "You're unemployed, so it's not like you have anything better to do than help us rob this military base. Didn't you just get replaced at your factory job by a monkey again?"

"Isn't that like the fourth time you've been replaced by a highly trained monkey?" Lulu asked Doug.

"Third," Bryce corrected. "The monkey that replaced him in his packing job was only marginally trained."

"I hate monkeys!" Doug shouted. "I'm always getting replaced by monkeys or robots! They keep taking the jobs of honest humans like me and it's not right!"

"I wonder what would happen if they made a robot monkey." Lulu said.

"Then he'd totally be screwed," Bryce said.

The thought horrified Doug. "That would be the worst thing ever!"

"Well, Doug my boy, it's time to show the world you can do what monkeys and robots can't." Bryce tossed Doug some clothes. "Namely commit treason."

Doug looked at the black uniform. "Isn't this like the uniform for one of Asmod's Protectors?" They were the government's elite soldiers and very scary.

"Just put it on," Bryce said. "No more time for questions."

Doug really didn't want to become an enemy of the state, but peer pressure was hard to resist. He headed off to the bedroom for a bit of privacy, but then he noticed something odd. "Why is there a half-naked woman tied up in here?"

"I don't know," Lulu answered, "but one thing is for sure: Her name isn't Chen."

She wasn't moving. "Is she alive?"

Bryce looked slightly worried. "None of us have the medical experience to make a pronouncement on that matter."

"Bryce was supposed to drug her drink," Lulu explained, "but he screwed that up so I had to bash her over the head with a chair. It was a very sturdy chair."

Bryce shrugged. "We're kinda new to this espionage thing, so it's well chalk this up as a learning experience."

Doug figured they were already in pretty deep, so he might as well go along and put on the uniform. "Was this the woman you were dating, Bryce?"

"One of them."

Doug shook his head. "You're really horrible to women. You gotta work on that."

"At least I get some," Bryce answered. "The point is we needed her credentials for this mission and I'm not really going to weep much over the fate of one of Asmod's stooges. You ready?"

Doug's new uniform smelled funny. "I guess."

Bryce handed him the helmet with skull-like facemask that went with the Protector uniform. "Put this on, and as long as you don't say anything you might actually look slightly intimidating."

He put the helmet and almost scared himself when he looked in the mirror. "We're going to get like executed for this, aren't we?"

"No, the government's hasn't been in much of an execution kick lately," Bryce said. "More like reeducation... or for you, I guess just a plain education."

"They'll make us admit two plus two equals five," Lulu said, "which won't be too bad except for how it will screw up the multiplication tables."

"I don't want to learn math." A thought struck Doug and he became quite concerned beyond just potentially being hunted by a government armed with arithmetic. "Will Charlene be a part of this?"

"Of course," Lulu said. "It wouldn't be team Hellbender without stick in the mud Charlene."

"Okay. Good." He was trying to get himself mentally prepared for this step into the abyss, but then another thought struck him. "Does she know she is going to be a part of this?"

Bryce laughed. "Of course not."

There was an explosion nearby and then sirens started going off throughout the city. "That's our cue." Bryce ushered them to exit the apartment.

Doug could hear gunfire. "What's going on?"

"Got inside info that Serpine's forces are attacking today," Bryce explained while they headed to the stairway. "That's what we had to schedule around."

"Who?"

Bryce led them towards the roof. "Transcendent who rules the areas north of us. Vowed to destroy this city recently and has been amassing forces to do just that."

Doug shrugged. "I really don't follow politics. So we're being invading?"

"Since they're going to leave after they raze this place," Lulu said, "I don't think it's technically an invasion."

Bryce stopped and turned towards Lulu. "Actually, I think as long as they just come in mass, it's an invasion. I don't think the term requires them to stay."

"So are we being invaded?" Doug asked again.

Lulu shrugged her shoulders. "Maybe."

Bryce led them to the roof, and Doug could see fighting in the air between jet planes and flying creatures. "They got dragons!"

Bryce sighed. "Superstitious talk like that is what give us Last a bad name. There are no such things as dragons, Doug. Are they breathing fire?"

"No... they're firing missiles I think."

"Not a dragon, then. Probably something much more ordinary like some sort of giant, flying, cyborg reptile."

There was a crack of thunder and the sky turned purple. The clouds swirled until they formed the face of a woman that looked down upon them all with scorn. "Followers of Asmod, this city is doomed. Asmod has been an obstacle to our progress for too long, and now this city shall burn until nothing is left. You can see your defense is already falling to my superior forces, and soon my ally Loch will be here... and I think you know that means you should be gone. If any of you survive, you should rethink your loyalties." The face faded away, and the sky was clear again.

"I'd so hit that." Bryce turned away from the sky and walked towards a nearby military VTOL transport parked on the roof.

"Is Loch really coming?" Doug was more than a little frightened having heard all the stories of Loch, a being of immense power who used his infinite knowledge to inflict pain. If even a fraction of the stories about Loch were true, Doug was ready to flee immediately.

"Yes, and he's going to eat our souls! Woooo!" Lulu laughed and got in the passenger seat.

Bryce got in the driver's side. "The Trans have their silly rules of engagement which means Loch can't do anything until Asmod's forces are bested through traditional methods... something that should leave us enough time to steal from the military base in the midst of the chaos. We can't start a new life without some capital."

Doug didn't share Bryce confidence, but he was now quite convinced they needed to get Charlene before they fled so she didn't get left to the mercies of Loch. He got in the back of the vehicle and sat down while doing his best not to freak out at the continued sound of fighting nearby.

Bryce took the vehicle into the air. "Now, we have to fool them that Tri-Lu is an officer, I'm a government official, and you're an elite soldier... but we only have to fool them for a couple of minutes if we're quick."

Lulu smiled and giggled. "I think is going to be neat. I'm glad we're finally doing this criminal thing because my secretary job was really getting on my nerves."

"I thought you were a stripper," Doug said.

"I am... but it's not my job."

"One more thing," Bryce said. "If I do this..." he made a motion with his arm. "Our cover is blown and we shoot our way out. Anyway just keep calm, and this should go off without a hitch."

"And most of all, have fun," Lulu added.

Doug didn't quite see the shoot everyone signal and though of asking Bryce to repeat it, but then he realized he didn't have a gun anyway.

NEXT

Rating: 2.8/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (6) | Hellbender Take Two
It's Time to Get the U.S. Out of the Democratic Party
An Editorial by Frank J.
Posted by Frank J. at 01:09 PM | Email This

 My father taught me a lesson that sometimes you just have to cut your losses. Having tried for the umpteenth time to teach me to clean up my room after playing with Legos, he decided it was a losing, pointless battle and drove me out to the woods and abandoned me. Eventually, by making my way to the road and hitchhiking (most people aren't too wary of six-year-old hitchhikers) I made it home and was much more diligent about picking up my Legos. Of course, I could have never made it home, and my father knew that. The point was, that wasn't his problem anymore. He washed his hands of it and it was up to me now to sink or swim. It's time to apply that perspective to the Democratic Party.

"We even tried introducing them to democracy, but they came up with idea of superdelegates to subvert that."

 The Democratic Party is on the verge of civil war. Two charismatic leaders are pulling it apart, setting the factions of black people and elite white women against each other. There will be blood, and I don't see any reason why America should be in the middle of it when it happens. We've interfered enough, trying to prop up one of this leaders we think will be friendlier to us, but there is nothing but disaster on the horizon. We need to cut our losses and abandon the Democratic Party.

 I know many of you will be resistant to the idea as we've invested so much time and money in it, but what have we gained? Democrats have always been a stumbling block for our country, and so much of our tax money goes to their aid. Do you ever see that changing, or do you see it getting worse? Be honest. And you can't say we haven't tried all we can to help the Democrats. We even tried introducing them to democracy, but they came up with idea of superdelegates to subvert that. As many argued, the culture of the Democrats just won't allow them to ever accept democracy or other American ideals, so why do we keep banging our heads against the wall trying to change them?

 America should have no more involvement with the Democratic Party. No matter what we do, it is going to collapse into chaos. When that happens, we should not be anywhere near the Democrats. I know its harsh to say we should abandon them, but it should not be our problem anymore. Maybe one day they'll find their way out of the woods and learn to pick up their Legos, but if they don't, we should not lose any sleep over a fate of their own doing. I know my father wouldn't.

Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of numerous abandoned manuscripts.

Rating: 1.8/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (32) | Editorials
lolterizt! Part 38
Posted by Harvey at 11:59 AM | Email This

SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT (FINAL REMINDER) - To celebrate the 5th anniversary of the start of the Iraq War, Part 39 of lolterizt! will be posted on Wednesday, March 19th and will be a special lolprotstrz! version, featuring crass captioning of your favorite anti-war idiots in action. You can start submitting your hippies, Code Pinks, commies, Cindy Sheehans and other loudmouth street-polluting liberals immediately. The final deadline is 6pm CDT, Tuesday March 18.

Meanwhile, once again, pass 'em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don't be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.



bad car.jpg

extreme sandcastle.jpg

gone gone gone.jpg

kidnapping.jpg

skeet.jpg

relativity.jpg
[reference link]



From Mark:
BombCat2.JPG

From Xaetognath:
man and wife.jpg

From Brian:
go green.jpg

From 5minutes:
proztate screeningz.jpg

From acrazymic:
sesame streetz.jpg

From Joel:
teh_bridge.jpg

From AlanABQ:
Mister Fister2.JPG

From Erik Wit:
sterile.JPG



PRODUCTION NOTES:

#1: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won't end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

SOURCE NOTE: Snapped Shot is still making peace with the AP law-talking-guys, so he's off the radar as a source for a while. However, try Googling "AP photo" and your favorite MSM euphemism for "terrorist". You'll find plenty of material.

Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and - if they aren't obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don't suck too terribly bad - I'll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

Today's edition is dedicated to those who lost their lives in the Madrid bombings. We remember 3-11.

Rating: 2.4/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (3) | lolterizt
Hmm...
Posted by Frank J. at 11:39 AM | Email This

I've tried and failed to come up with a joke about Eliot Spitzer. Should I just turn in my political humorist badge?

Well, put any good ones you've heard in the comments. Try and keep it relatively clean.

Rating: 3.1/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (21)
Help Get Frank J. a Job, Win a Free T-Shirt!
Posted by Frank J. at 10:55 AM | Email This

I like to keep my professional and blogging life separate, but I'm in a bit of a pickle. I don't want to go into the details, but let's just say I had personal reasons for moving to Boise immediately (other than that SarahK and I really wanted to live here) and am quite happy to be here. The problem is I have been unable to get employment yet. That combined with still having a house to sell in Florida is becoming a bit of a problem (and the water heater recently exploded there... but let's not even go into that). Though I've gotten a few interviews and thought I did quite well, I think my problem has been I'm a bit too specialized (if someone had a job for implementing a cryptographic algorithm on an FPGA, I would so get that). Still, I have a degree from an actual accredited college (Carnegie Mellon) and six years experience in digital design and programming so I think I should be able to find some sort of tech job here. I have a lot of knowledge of C and C++, and can easily pick up any other programming language (actually, I usually find I can debug without even knowing the language). Ideally, I'd like to get a full time job in Boise, but I'd be happy for about anything involving design/debug and money. Like, if you don't know any jobs in Idaho but know how to make money programming from home, that would be helpful too. Or maybe even some help on how to get some certified skill in C# or whatever shiny new programming languages people like these days.

I know what you're thinking: "Bah! Why should I care of your fate? How does it affect me?" Well, for one, if I end up homeless in a box, blogging will be light. Something to keep in mind if you enjoy IMAO. But, more importantly, if you help me get a job, you will win a free t-shirt. That's right: Absolutely free. And it doesn't even have to be an IMAO t-shirt. You can just find some t-shirt anywhere on the internet, send me the link, and say, "I got you a job. Get me this t-shirt." Just don't make it some weird hundred dollar custom t-shirt -- let's keep this in reason. And think of the stories you can tell. People will see you brand new t-shirt and ask, "Where did you get that?" To which you'll answer, "From getting Frank J. a job." To which they'll exclaim, "The Frank J.?! Can I touch it?" And you can answer accordingly on how comfortable you are with being touched.

See, if you help Frank J., everyone wins.

So, anyone out there of any help? You know you want a t-shirt.

Rating: 3.2/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (41)
Worse Than Frank's Post
Posted by Harvey at 05:43 AM | Email This

IMAO readers are all closet liberals who secretly yearn for a Hillary Clinton presidency because their weak inner children need the security of a nanny state.

[Note to Frank: THIS is a control post everyone will hate.]

Rating: 2.6/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (22)
March 10, 2008
FYI
Posted by Frank J. at 07:58 PM | Email This

You're a homo!

NOTE: The purpose of this post is to better test the new IMAO rating system by creating a control post I know everyone will hate. I expect people to read this post, exclaim, "I'm not a homo! I'll show you!" and then rate the post a half star. If you are a homosexual and your reaction to the post is, "That's an apt description of me. I'll shall rate this post highly," please refrain from rating the post as you'll skew the data. If you're a homosexual and your reaction was, "While I am a homosexual, I find that term offensive and shall rate this post accordingly," go ahead and rate the post. Thank you for your cooperation.

Rating: 2.8/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (29)
A Story, Bit by Bit
Hellbender: Prologue - Enlightenment
Posted by Frank J. at 05:21 PM | Email This

"Hello, Doug. I'm the Devil."

It was a wholly unremarkable man who sat across from Doug. What was remarkable is that they were seated in the midst of darkness. There was nothing at all visible to Doug except for himself and the Devil. "Where am I?"

"You're in your bed. This is a dream."

Doug processed that a moment. "Usually my dreams don't tell me they're dreams... even though it's like really obvious they were dreams when I wake up because I was like flying and stuff."

The Devil smiled. He seemed like a nice enough guy, though the meeting was certainly odd. "God is defeated -- or so they say -- which would make me the most powerful being in existence. Still, I'm used to treading lightly, and while I wanted to talk to you directly, I thought appearing to you in a dream was a more subtle way of doing it."

Doug did not understand this at all, but he caught on to one part he knew was trouble. "Isn't God just made up or something?"

"Perhaps." He laughed. "It is the 'Age of Enlightenment,' so I can put it all in scientific terms if you prefer. It makes no difference to me."

"Yeah... I'm not really good at science either." When Doug was younger, people seemed to think that Doug learned concepts best through puppets, but the Devil didn't seem to have any.

"Suffice to say, there was a powerful force that held your world in balance and now it's gone. You've seen the consequences, haven't you? Place where reality itself has begun to rip apart."

Doug had seen the wastelands, areas of darkness where indescribable things moved in the shadows. No one ever entered those areas, and Doug knew no stories of anyone even trying to. When he was ten, his friend Bryce once dared him to walk up to the edge of one of the wastelands and throw a rock at it, but he chickened out.

"And the end of the human race has to be of concern for you," the Devil continued. "No new births for over twenty years -- not since the War that left you an orphan."

It was a concern for Doug, though he knew it wasn't supposed to be. The explanation was that the change in the world after the War no longer allowed new connection to a multi-dimensional existence -- the "soul" as known to primitive people -- that was solely an evolutionary advantage of the human animal. No more souls meant no more humans making Doug among the youngest alive, but their superiors constantly reminded them that this was of no worry anymore. "They can make us immortal, so there isn't really any more need for... humans."

"They say that, do they?" The Devil's disposition turned slightly less friendly. "Perhaps the biggest obstacle you face now is that the former prisoners of Hell now run your world. These bickering demons act as your gods, and surely you must see how wrong that is?"

Doug knew he was going down a dangerous path even if this was just a dream. The Transcendent were all-powerful and could see his thoughts if they wanted -- though it was unlikely they would be concerned with the thoughts of one of the Last Children... especially one who spent so much time thinking about videogames. "I thought they were like inter-dimensional aliens or something?"

"They don't really know what they are anymore, and some actually believe their own tripe about enlightenment. Of all the faults of the fallen angels, you would at least think they wouldn't end up being atheists."

"Well, we're all supposed to be atheists since God is just mythology or something."

"Then at least they're not hypocritical on that issue." He was silent for a moment. "It's hard to explain just how foolish the Fallen are. We fought a long war against the greatest power there is, and we finally had a huge victory and they've forgotten their purpose. I am a better leader than a teacher, but now they ignore me and use you people as pawns in a fight against each other for power over this world. You may think this world is vast, but it is infinitesimal compared to all of existence. To have escaped our previous confines only to try and rule your world it like freeing yourself from a jail cell only to willfully be imprisoned within a grain of sand."

Even though Doug's usual dreams made much less sense, he still followed them better. "So you're like the leader of the Trans?"

"Not the way I'd put it... and I am no longer their leader. As I said, I'm the most powerful being in existence other than God Himself -- or itself, considering your view -- but I have limitations. So do the Fallen -- the Transcendent, Trans, or whatever you want to call them. You can see that in how they can't do away with each other despite how obviously they wish they could. I want you to think about that, because understanding they are not all-powerful is the first step to believing they can be defeated."

Doug was stunned. It never had even occurred to him that the Transcendent could be fought anymore than one could fight a hurricane. They were just powerful forces with nothing physical to lash out against. Some of them often took physical forms, and he had been curious if you shot one in the face (he couldn't imagine a being so powerful it wouldn't mind being shot in the face), but he was careful not to muse too much on such a thing. "How could anyone defeat them? They're not just super-duper powerful -- all their followers are like invincible too."

"Yes, the 'Hallowed' -- the disciples of the Fallen. They may seem to wield great power, but they are damned. I assure you that there is quite a difference between what you perceive as power and what there really is. You have the potential for far more power than you'll ever know. Despite the Fallen's belief in a victory in the power known as God, I know He has not abandoned those who never chose to abandon Him. You may never have been taught about Him, but He has watched over you always. In the glimpses of light in the darkness that is this world, you must have sensed Him... someone who cares for you and assures you and made sure that no matter how hopeless things are that you keep soldiering on."

It was a nice thought, and Doug wanted to believe. Of course, he knew he wasn't too bright and thus susceptible to believing foolish things, and even he saw the flaws in this concept. "Are you referring to the being from the beliefs of those from before the War? If He was so powerful, then how come he didn't save them?"

"Good question. All I can say is that their last prayers were for their children, and here today you still are. They're appeal to God will only be shown to be in vain if you choose not to continue their fight."

It seemed a lot of responsibility to be put on Doug's shoulders, which was now making this dream seem as absurd as his usual ones. He took another good look at the Devil who appeared just as a normal man. He thought back to what little he knew about the Devil whom he usually saw portrayed with horns and red skin. "Aren't you supposed to be evil?"

He smiled. "I have my own purposes. If you think this world needs fixing, then for now our goals overlap. That may change in the future... but we'll cross that bridge when we reach it."

"And what do you expect me to do?"

"Just consider my words and keep your eyes open to see what the world really is and not how they want you to see it. You will soon have an opportunity to fight back, and I will help lead you there. This may seem daunting, but know you are not alone. You have a friend even more powerful than me watching over you."

Doug wanted to believe, but this just seemed so much like the foolishness he had been warned about since he was a small child in the orphanage. "Do you know my friends?"

"Yes, of course." The Devil chuckled. "'Hellbender.'"

"Maybe you could tell them to so they can help... if this really isn't just a dream."

The Devil's expression turned serious. "They can help you some, but at some point you will fight this battle alone."

That was a fearful thought for Doug. His friends were all he had. "But why me? I'm not smart or good at... anything."

"I know; in a world of gods and demigods, you're... well... Doug. What you must overcome seems impossible, but God deals with the impossible. Know that in the most important battles of this world, neither wits nor strength are of any use."

"Then what is of use?"

The Devil grinned one last time. "You'll have to find that out on your own."

NEXT

Rating: 3.3/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (17) | Hellbender Take Two
The Democrat Primary Disaster
Posted by Frank J. at 01:18 PM | Email This

Nearly eight years ago, the Democrats were in Florida screaming, "Count every vote!" So, this election, in response to Florida moving up its primary, they said, "Let's not count any of their votes." No one saw that as going to be a problem? Now we have a close primary race and two large states -- Florida and Michigan -- have no say. The Democrats could just change their mind and recognize the elections that were held there, but that will be unfair to Obama who didn't campaign in either. No one wants to put up the money to completely redo the elections, so people are floating dumb ideas like a mail in vote or an internet vote or having robots fight it out in a pit -- all things people can easily call shenanigans on. And, after whatever poor compromise the Democrats come up with on the Florida and Michigan delegates, the election will still be essentially decided by unelected superdelegates. Basically, the Democrats have set up their primary so there is no way a large segment of their party won't go away feeling they were bamboozled. It's enough to make you want to put your fingertips together and say, "Excellent!"

I bet when the Democrats in frustration try and find who set up their primary process so they can blame him, they'll discover it was a guy with an obviously fake mustache named Rarl Kove.

That magnificent bastard!

Rating: 2.5/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (26)
Waterboarding - Sure It's Fun, But Be Safe!
Posted by Harvey at 12:18 PM | Email This

Waterboarding - it's hip, it's trendy, it's the iPhone of protest performance art. Unemployed trust-fund hippies all across the nation are indulging in this season's hottest new hobby.

However, unlike the waterboarding done by the trained professionals of the US Government, amateur waterboarding is rife with peril for the uninitiated. For your benefit, we've staged this photo which conveniently shows all the major waterboarding "don'ts" in one image:

waterboarding fun.jpg



* DON'T pour water from a plastic gallon jug. Plastic bottles kill hundreds of thousands of sea mammals every year. Or is that fishing nets? Whatever. Plastic is still the devil's cuticle.

* DON'T use unfiltered DC Metro water. As you can see from the white spots on the ground, it's full of crack rocks.

* DON'T use a bleached white cotton towel over the "victim's" face. Not using a towel made of sustainable brown organic cotton is a slap in the face to third-world indigenous peoples trying to support their families, you racist.

* DON'T invite over-rated hack prop comics like Carrot Top [left]. The waterboardee may choke on his own vomit, as may innocent bystanders.

* DON'T invite Bumblebee Man [rear, center]. Protests are serious business, and are not the place for obscure Simpsons references.

* DON'T wear leather shoes. It's like the guy pouring the water WANTED to offend people! My apologies to all the vegetarians, vegans, fruitarians, and PeTArds who may have accidentally viewed this image and pulled a muscle while recoiling in horror.

* DON'T allow your green-shirted Ecstasy dealer to spoil your waterboarding money-shot. Nothing undermines your political point faster than having Dr. Feelgood counting his take in the background.

* DON'T forget your safety helmet. While a wet towel will prevent SOME cranial trauma, it's better to wear more durable protective gear - such as a bicycle helmet - in case your jittery, spaghetti-armed prop-comic friend accidentally bounces your noggin off the concrete.



Remember folks, while fake waterboarding is a great way to abet terrorists while telling yourself you occupy the moral high ground, you have to do it right if you want to ensure that no one but the Warmongering Sheeple of Bushitler and other Tools of Halliburton are offended in the process.

Rating: 2.4/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (19)
I Would Like to Distance Myself from This Website and Everyone Who Reads It
An Editorial by Senator John McCain
Posted by Frank J. at 11:03 AM | Email This

 I would like to thank Frank J. for the opportunity to officially distance myself from this website and all the crap on it. I plan to run a campaign respectful to Senators Clinton and Obama and disrespectful to you annoying little "conservatives" who try and make me look bad.

 I swear, I'm going to win the presidency, and I don't need your whining about campaign finance reform and the illegal brown people to ruin it! You right-wing weirdos -- especially you freaks on the internet -- are nothing but a liability. If you could just learn to shut up about your pansy-ass issues, I could cruise to victory. I hate you people so much, but if you could just be quiet vote for me at the end of the day, we can all get through this. I just need you to cut down on crap like this website.

"You guys are nuts and I hate you."

 You know how you don't like my campaign finance reform bill? Well, I'm starting to think it was a bad bill since sites likes this IDBO -- or whatever the hell you call it -- are still legal. A staffer showed me it the other day, and it's just a bunch of crap about monkeys and fighting the moon. I don't want the taint of any of you people on my campaign. I'm not a pariah among elite society like you jackasses, and I want to keep it that way. You think putting an afro on Senator Obama to make him look like a black man is funny? Know what else is funny? My foot up your ass!

 Let me make this clear: You guys are nuts and I hate you. If I didn't need your votes, I would never come within a hundred miles of you "conservatives." I'm starting to think I hate you more than the gooks who tortured back in Vietnam. That said, you snot-nosed punks better get in line and rally behind me even while I curse your mothers for having given birth to you. If you want to win the war in Iraq and keep this country strong, I'm your only option you little snot-nosed punks. If you think some of the bills I've sponsored are bad so far, just wait until what I introduce if I'm still in the Senate in 2009, bitches. I will make your lives hell.

 That's your choice. You can stay home and let someone surrender our country (with all due respect the honorable Senators Clinton and Obama) and have me forever seeking revenge against you, or you can vote for me come November. And if you all behave really well, maybe I'll choose a running mate who doesn't live to piss all over you right-wingers every chance he gets.

 But don't count on it. I just hate you all so @#$% much.

 And I need your vote.

John McCain is a U.S. Senator from Arizona and the presumptive Republican nominee for president in the 2008 election. His favorite hobbies are being angry and pissing off conservatives.

Rating: 3.8/5 (248 votes cast)

Comments (33) | Editorials
Now We Care What You Think!
Posted by Frank J. at 10:42 AM | Email This

In a way to increase reader feedback and improve IMAO, we now have a rating bar on each post so you can rate every IMAO post you read. Now, for once and for all I can figure out whether I'm funnier posting as me, Harvey, or whatever that new name is (Hando or something). At the bottom of each post you simply click how well you liked the post in terms of stars (voting is allowed in half star increments). It's so easy, a caveman could do it... if he had at least basic computer training... and if he got over the shock of seeing modern technology... and didn't just smash the computer with a club... or stab the computer with a sharp rock tied to a stick if he were a more advanced caveman. On second though, training a caveman to do this would be very complex. Let's say it's so easy a small child could do it (small children are stupid; more stupid than you).

Let's try it out now! Go ahead and rate this post explaining the rating bar. If it's one of the best posts you've ever seen in all the internets, give it five stars. If it sucked so much it made you vomit on your loved ones, give it a half star. If your reaction was somewhere in between, then rate it somewhere in between. Then, if you're really bored, you can comment to this post to tell us how you rated it.

BTW, what I'm using is a modified AJAX Star Rating Bar.

UPDATE:

If you have JavaScript enabled, it should not reload the page when you vote. I've think I've seen it reload the page, though, if you vote before the page is fully loaded. Not sure how to fix that. How's it working out for all of you?

Rating: 2.7/5 (214 votes cast)

Comments (19)
March 08, 2008
Hillary or Obama campaign slogans -- any ideas?
Posted by Cadet Happy at 01:00 PM | Email This

barackbacks.jpg

Rating: 4.1/5 (162 votes cast)

Comments (63)
Obama Alters Photo of Himself?
Posted by Frank J. at 01:30 PM | Email This

While I just found what perhaps is another example of the Hillary camp taking a photo of Obama and altering it so he looks blacker, Obama may have done the opposite. Once again, look carefully at this untouched photo of Obama:

Now look how it appears on Obama's website:

Read More...


Rating: 3.8/5 (82 votes cast)

Comments (24)
Times Square Bomber Application Rejected
Posted by Harvey at 11:49 AM | Email This

After an explosion outside a recruiting facility in New York's Times Square, the Army says they are not interested in the perpetrator due to his demonstrated lack of talent at killing foreigners.

Officer Pat O'Malley turns away in disgust at the bombing scene's lack of dead foreigners.

"Frankly, I'd barely even call this an act of vandalism," said Army recruiter Paul Boyce. "There was a pop & a puff of smoke. Total damage - one broken window. Hell, my son breaks more than that playing baseball in our back yard. My point is, the Army is all about killing foreigners. If you can't do that, I don't care about you. The only way a foreigner could've died from this is if he'd breathed the smoke & died of lung cancer. This guy just isn't Army material."

Another recruiter at the station, Terry Leighton, was equally dismissive of the suspect's foreigner killing ability. "Right now, they're suspecting that this guy may have exploded equally pathetic devices outside the Mexican and British consulates. Total number of dead foreigners in those incidents - zero. How could he screw this up? This is New York City! You can practically buy nukes on the street corner, and you can't flick a cigarette butt into the gutter without setting a foreigner on fire. Trust me, I tried it once."

Leighton reminds readers that all potential Army recruits must meet the following requirements:

* Be between 17 and 42 years of age.

* Be an American citizen.

* Enjoy killing foreigners.

* Not be a retarded, bicycle-riding douchebag who explodes devices with less destructive power than a Mentos dropped in a bottle of Diet Coke.

Rating: 3.6/5 (57 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Newsish Fakery
Is It a Good Idea to Anger Those Who Like War?
Posted by Frank J. at 10:47 AM | Email This

I don't think bombing a recruiting office in Times Square was a good idea. I know we've all thought about it: "I don't like war. I should bomb a recruiting office." The problem is, the people at the recruiting office like war, and if you anger them, they may use their war against you. I bet when they catch who did the bombing, they'll take him out into the middle of Times Square, use a giant slingshot to throw him into the air, and then shoot him with a patriot missile. They'll then turn to the assembled crowd and say, "If you try to get in the way of our war, we'll war on you!"

And I bet the last thing going through the mind of the guy flying through the air about to be hit by a patriot missile is "I guess I should have expected this."

Rating: 3.5/5 (40 votes cast)

Comments (17)
Hillary Caught Making a Photo of Obama Blacker Again?
Posted by Frank J. at 09:07 AM | Email This

There was a scandal where it looked like a photo of Obama was made blacker on the Hillary website. I was dismissive of it, but now it appears it's happened again. Look at this photo of Obama:

Now look at how the same image appears on Hillary's website:

Read More...


Rating: 3.7/5 (63 votes cast)

Comments (24)
Is Hillary a Muslim? -- Part II -- Vindication
Posted by Frank J. at 09:00 AM | Email This

Several days ago, I broke a story about Hillary being photographed in a burka. I dared anyone to prove me wrong, not anticipating that new technology might actually prove me right.

frank_toohappyww.jpg

frank_toohappyww.jpg

You know you want to.

Read More...


Rating: 3.5/5 (42 votes cast)

Comments (24)
March 06, 2008
IMAO Straw Poll
Posted by Cadet Happy at 09:58 PM | Email This

Clinton aide compares Obama to Ken Starr


Who is more dangerous when cornered?
Hillary Clinton
Rabid Wolvervine
  
Free polls from Pollhost.com

hilvwolv.jpg


Rating: 3.0/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (25)
Excuses
Posted by Frank J. at 02:09 PM | Email This

Sorry for the light blogging today, but I'm a bit under the weather and never got to the posts ideas I have brewing (politics does seem like more fun lately). Anyway, I plan to soon start up another story bit by bit again for those who will read it (it will be a redoing of Hellbender), and I'm also working on a little widget to help you, the reader (yes, you are a reader), give us feedback on our posts.

A question for you do discuss amongst yourselves: Who would be better answering the phone in the White House at 3 a.m.: Hillary or Obama? Explain your answer.

Rating: 1.9/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (35)
Obama Making Hillary "Blonder"
Posted by Harvey at 12:07 PM | Email This
Original Hillary [left]; Hillary who hasn't had two brain cells since she was pregnant with Chelsea [right]

WASHINGTON (AP) - After being criticized for making Obama "blacker", Clinton campaign officials fired back by claiming that Obama has been doctoring images of Hillary to make her look blonder while implying that her hair color makes her "too damn stupid to be president".

Obama spokesperson Kevin Griffis denies any hairism on the part of Obama. "The change in the image from the original to the ad was simply an accident of software and image compression. We did not mean to imply that Hillary keeps a coat hanger in her back seat in case she ever locks her keys in her car. Even though rumors abound."

Clinton has long maintained that "color should not be an issue in this campaign" and is confident that America is ready for a Flaxen-American president. "While it may be true that there's white out on my computer screen and that I peel the shells off M&M's to make chocolate chip cookies, there is no truth to the accusation that I once buried Cheerios in an effort to grow a donut tree."

Rating: 3.0/5 (31 votes cast)

Comments (14) | Newsish Fakery
A Thompson/Edwards Debate
Posted by Frank J. at 11:05 AM | Email This

We've given you the Fred Thompson Facts and the John Edwards Facts, but what happens when the two collide? Apparently they will be debating each other at the Manufacturers’ Association of Northwest Pennsylvania with Tony Snow moderating.

Predictions?

I think Fred Thompson will just look at John Edwards, and then Edwards will explode into a fine red and yellow mist. Thompson will be declared the winner, be given Edwards giant house, and made king. Then there will be a dinner of mead and mutton and it will be awesome.

Rating: 3.2/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (35)
March 05, 2008
Kos Say Hillary Make Obama Blacker
Posted by Frank J. at 03:51 PM | Email This

Kos of the crazy hate site the Daily Kos has accused Hillary of making Obama blacker. Originally, some people suggested that Obama isn't black enough, but now Hillary has made him too black. Let this be a lesson to you: Hillary darkens everything she touches.

Other lesson: Kos is craaaazy.

UPDATE:

Little Green Footballs has an animated gif illustrating this outrage. Stop making Obama black, people!

Rating: 3.2/5 (25 votes cast)

Comments (36)
Vt. Town Votes on Bush 'Indictment'
Posted by Harvey at 12:24 PM | Email This

BRATTLEBORO, Vt. (AP) — Voters in this southern Vermont town decided Tuesday to approve a measure calling for the indictment of President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney on charges of violating the Constitution.

A Brattleboro man celebrates - briefly - after the city passed a symbolic referendum repealing the law of gravity.

The symbolic article seeks to have police arrest Bush and Cheney if they ever visit Brattleboro or to extradite them for prosecution elsewhere — if they're not impeached first.

"Our town attorney has no legal authority to draw up any papers to allow our police officers to do so," said Town Clerk Annette Cappy, "but the gentleman who initiated the petition got the signatures (and) wanted it on the ballot to make a statement."

Other statements recently approved by Brattleboro include "freedom is slavery", "ignorance is strength", and "black is white", the latter being a possible explanation for Obama's strong showing in the heavily caucasion Vermont primaries.

Kurt Daims, who organized the petition drive, praised the power of Vermont ballot initiatives. "Five years ago, we passed a measure outlawing moose attacks. Haven't had one since. Or ever before, now that I think about it. Anyway, next year I plan to start a petition to enforce President Obama's policy of never having gone to Iraq in the first place. Or - if he loses the election even though he's white now - the petition will declare him President provided that he makes Brattleboro the new capital of the US. Which he will, since the ballot measure will declare that, too."

Local residents are not surprised by the outcome of the voting. "I used to think Daims was some sort of a kook," said town-charter-mandated token conservative Barbara Southworth, "but after the success of last year's 'Kurt Daims is not a tie-dyed, granola-munching, ponytailed, neo-hippie post-Marxist with a Peter Pan complex and delusions of godhood or a kook, either' initiative, I have to admit that he's actually got some pretty good ideas. If I didn't, they'd throw me in jail."

Rating: 3.4/5 (24 votes cast)

Comments (29) | Newsish Fakery
Are the Democrats Gunning the Engine on a Rudderless Boat?
Posted by Frank J. at 11:33 AM | Email This

For all the talk about the Democrats having more enthusiasm than Republicans, Republican still seem to be quite a bit more focused. We know what we want -- to win in Iraq and continue to kill terrorists -- and McCain, though not a favorite of conservatives, is the perfect candidate to that goal. What do Democrats want? They don't want President Bush, but he'll be gone next year no matter who is elected. They want out of Iraq, but no one knows how to do that and they're not dumb enough to do a sudden withdrawal even if things weren't going well right now. They want a better economy, but the only idea for that so far is more taxes on the rich. Basically, they want hope and change and don't have any solid ideas of what to do.

It looks like all these years of BDS has left them pretty clueless.

Rating: 3.3/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (16)
An Idea for Obama
Posted by Frank J. at 10:31 AM | Email This

If Obama despises America, maybe he should put out a list of what we need to change so he'll like us. I heard he did basically the same thing in giving his children a list of what they needed to change about themselves so he'd love them again.

So what do you think is on the list? Be nicer to Iran? Less honkeys?

Rating: 3.1/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (25)
Why Won't Obama Love Us?
Posted by Frank J. at 09:16 AM | Email This

Quote Obama from last night:

"And if that child should ever get the chance to travel the world and someone should ask her where is she from, we believe that she should always be able to hold her head high with pride in her voice when she answers, 'I am an American.'

"That is the course we seek. That is the change we are calling for."

He wants to change it so people can be proud of America? I think he and his wife have a meme going now. We all know liberals despise America, but it's a rookie mistake to say it out loud. Bad, Obama. Bad.

Rating: 2.6/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (23)
Yay Hillary!
Posted by Frank J. at 08:50 AM | Email This

You go girl! Darkness itself can not be defeated by empty utterances of the word "hope"!

And let us never speak of Huckabee ever again.

Rating: 2.6/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (19)
March 04, 2008
An Ingenious Solution to a Non-Existant Problem
Posted by Frank J. at 06:10 PM | Email This

Some how this firearm came into existence and then was discontinued all without me noticing:

It's a semi-automatic revolver called the Mateba Autorevolver. It uses the explosion from each shot to automatically rotate the cylinder and cock the gun. I don't know why I think that's awesome, but I just do. I like semi-automatic pistols and I like revolvers, so why not combine the two? Plus the cylinder is upside down (the barrel is aligned with the six o'clock chamber) which is just neat.

Interestingly, there were automatic revolvers back at the turn of last century, but they went out of popularity when semi-automatic pistols became cheap and reliable. I guess there's no reason to return to automatic revolvers as I'm guessing the inner-workings are far more complex than either a revolver or a pistol (and thus there is more to go wrong), but for some strange reason I think it's really cool. And I want it.

Rating: 3.4/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (35)
lolterizt! Part 37
Posted by Harvey at 12:19 PM | Email This

SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT - To celebrate the 5th anniversary of the start of the Iraq War, Part 39 of lolterizt! will be posted on March 19th and will be a special lolprotstrz! version, featuring crass captioning of your favorite anti-war idiots in action. You can start submitting your hippies, Code Pinks, commies, Cindy Sheehans and other loudmouth street-polluting liberals immediately. The final deadline is 6pm CDT, Tuesday March 18.

Meanwhile, once again, pass 'em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don't be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.



camoflage FAIL.jpg

disco inferno.jpg

extreme darts.jpg

gay pride terrorists.jpg

in your parade.jpg

inserting suppositories.jpg

AP sorry.jpg



From SARA of The Bright Corner:
straight-to-the-moon.jpg

From Michael
FidelCastro.jpg

From 5minutes:
dealornodeal.jpg

From acrazymic:
virgins first.jpg

From Joel:
global_warming.jpg

From AlanABQ:
Habib.jpg

From Erik Wit:
sniper wannabe.jpg



PRODUCTION NOTES:

#1: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won't end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

SOURCE NOTE: Snapped Shot is still making peace with the AP law-talking-guys, so he's off the radar as a source for a while. However, try Googling "AP photo" and your favorite MSM euphemism for "terrorist". You'll find plenty of material.

Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and - if they aren't obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don't suck too terribly bad - I'll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

Rating: 2.8/5 (32 votes cast)

Comments (5) | lolterizt
Does Obama Change His Message Based on What Group He Is Talking To?
Posted by Frank J. at 11:18 AM | Email This

While Senator Obama has been preaching a heavy anti-NAFTA message in America, apparently a representative from his campaign assured Canadian officials not to take those threats against NAFTA seriously. Obama says this isn't true and even released this statement:

I urge you, the American people, to not listen to those dirty, lying canucks. I hate free trade. Let me say that again: I hate free trade. And if some beer-swilling, hockey-nut tell you otherwise, it is because he is trying to derail hope and change. Why would Canadians do that? Because they want to stop me from ending NAFTA so they can get their filthy hands on your jobs. If they have their way, soon all our products will be imported from Canada and smell of moose urine. And let me tell you, that is one pungent smell.

This could be damaging to the Obama campaign, because if its found out he says one thing to one group and another to a different group, it makes him seem much less hopey and changey. The only thing is this is not the first time he's tailored his message based on what group he is speaking to. Here are other examples:

* A representative of his told a Muslim group to ignore all those time he denies being a Muslim while he told a Jewish that he totally is not in any way a Muslim... plus his middle name is really Shlomo. Later, Obama told a Christian group that not only is he not a Muslim, he loves the Jesus... except for His right-wing stances.

* Obama told a pro-life group that he is personally against abortion and then the next day told a feminist group that no baby will survive his regime.

* Obama told a militant black group that he "hates honkeys." This right after publicly expressing honkey tolerance.

* A representative of his has started spreading the rumor with gay groups that Michelle Obama is a beard.

* Another representative of his told a goth group that all his "hope" talk is just blather and he has just a bleak and depressing outlook on life as anyone else.

He'd probably contradict himself even more if he only had been in politics long enough to have more stances on issues to contradict.

Rating: 2.7/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (31)
Abu Grahib Time a Million
Posted by Frank J. at 10:09 AM | Email This

If you're wondering how the war is going (and who isn't it), it's now changed all our troops from baby-killers to puppy-tossers. The surge is a failure, unless you measure its success in the distance a puppy is thrown. I think this is all the evidence needed that we must end the war now and bring them home.

Then again, if we bring them home, they'll just toss our puppies. Maybe we should bring them somewhere else like Antarctica. They could toss penguins there, but who cares. Plus, if they made videos of that, they could be pretty entertaining if they got Morgan Freeman to narrate them.

Rating: 3.0/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (26)
March 03, 2008
Is Hillary a Muslim?
Posted by Frank J. at 04:29 PM | Email This

People got all upset about picture of Obama in Muslim clothes, but I never saw people get upset about this picture of Hillary in a burka:

Well... prove it's not her.

Rating: 3.8/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (28)
AP Begins Bombing Campaign Against Copyright Infringement
Posted by Harvey at 12:01 PM | Email This

WASHINGTON (AP) - After shutting down the blog Snapped Shot by threatening legal action for copyright infringement, the Associated Press stepped up its offensive against blogger Brian Ledbetter by bombing his house, claiming that it was the only way to "make sure all his illegal AP photos were destroyed".

AP Lawyer Priti Doshi defended the news agency's position in a press conference on Sunday. "Some people want to frame this as some sort of 'freedom of speech' issue, but that's just crazy talk. Sure U.S. copyright law's fair use exemption specifically covers 'criticism', but what Snapped Shot did was expose our anti-Israeli bias and terrorist sympathies. That's not criticism, that's honesty. I'm not aware of any fair use exemption for THAT."

"As for the bombing," continued Doshi, "well, you know how it is with digital images. Brian may take down his site, but what about the files on his computer? He could post them again or send them to another blogger to post. If AP photos which have been published world wide on news sites that have paid us for them were to be posted by some blogger who wasn't making a dime, that could bankrupt AP within days. The explosive destruction of the man's domicile was obviously our only option."

In a written statement sent from a dank, sunless room deep within the AP Ghraib Re-education Facilty, Ledbetter freely expessed regret for his actions. "I have willfully engaged in copyright infringement and ThrOugh my cRiminal acTs, UndeRminEd AP's ability to turn a profit. I regret my actions and make this statement of my own free will and without duress."

Rating: 2.6/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (7) | Newsish Fakery
Frank Suggestion to Combat the Idea that Obama Is a Muslim
Posted by Frank J. at 10:57 AM | Email This

The rumors of Obama being Muslim won't go away, even though Obama has come out and assured the American people he is most definitively probably not a Muslim. Even Hillary has got to hinting at it, saying that Obama is not a Muslim... "as far as I know."

Now, the problem is that if Obama protests too loudly, he'll look like he's being insensitive to the Muslim religion, and we know how Democrats hate being insensitive to crap like that. Here's my idea: While making campaign stops at diners, make sure he always orders things with bacon in it. If that's too subtle, he can say out loud while he eats, "Mmm! Tasty tasty bacon!" It's a simple solution.

Unless it's against his religion.

Anyway, this tip from the political genius of Frank J. is free of charge. If the Obama camp wants anymore, they'll cost cash money.

Rating: 2.4/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (18)
There Is an International Crisis at 3 A.M.; President Obama Answers the Call
Posted by Frank J. at 09:01 AM | Email This

Hello? Hello?! Is this Pockiston?

Rating: 3.4/5 (103 votes cast)

Comments (62)
March 02, 2008
Posted by Cadet Happy at 07:26 PM | Email This

Rating: 3.5/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (11)
March 01, 2008
Question
Posted by Frank J. at 01:19 PM | Email This

Some have been saying that McCain might not be able to be president since he wasn't born in America, but has anyone considered that Obama might not technically be able to be president since at inauguration no one will be allowed to say his full name?

Rating: 2.6/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (17)
Should I Be Worried?
Posted by Harvey at 01:13 PM | Email This

Because as the offical symbol of the 2008 Republican Convention, the Republicans have chosen:

republican convention logo.jpg

An overhead shot of a roadkill elephant, complete with tire tracks. I didn't know they made Priuses that big.

I just hope it's not an omen.

Rating: 3.2/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (21) | Election 2008
 

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