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April 30, 2008
Isn't This How the Spider-Man Villian the Lizard Came About?
Posted by Frank J. at 08:19 PM | Email This

This does not seem real. Shouldn't we be seeing more of it in the news? I mean, wouldn't magic dust with regenerative properties fit somewhere in between all the Wright coverage?

Rating: 2.5/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (20)
Posted by Frank J. at 02:54 PM | Email This

Saw this story about John McCain:

[Ret. Col. Bud] Day relayed to me one of the stories Americans should hear. It involves what happened to him after escaping from a North Vietnamese prison during the war. When he was recaptured, a Vietnamese captor broke his arm and said, "I told you I would make you a cripple."

The break was designed to shatter Mr. Day's will. He had survived in prison on the hope that one day he would return to the United States and be able to fly again. To kill that hope, the Vietnamese left part of a bone sticking out of his arm, and put him in a misshapen cast. This was done so that the arm would heal at "a goofy angle," as Mr. Day explained. Had it done so, he never would have flown again.

But it didn't heal that way because of John McCain. Risking severe punishment, Messrs. McCain and Day collected pieces of bamboo in the prison courtyard to use as a splint. Mr. McCain put Mr. Day on the floor of their cell and, using his foot, jerked the broken bone into place. Then, using strips from the bandage on his own wounded leg and the bamboo, he put Mr. Day's splint in place.

Years later, Air Force surgeons examined Mr. Day and complemented the treatment he'd gotten from his captors. Mr. Day corrected them. It was Dr. McCain who deserved the credit. Mr. Day went on to fly again.

Similarly, Barack Obama once continued to give a speech even though he knew a bee was in the room.

Rating: 2.6/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (28)
Posted by Frank J. at 01:24 PM | Email This

It's not technically a recession!

It's kinda hard to tell how the economy is doing from where I'm sitting. I'm still unemployed, yet somehow I still make money and pay taxes (America is crazy!). Still, I have this feeling that things are going to pick up soon and we will (or at least I will) enter a new golden age -- unless some Democratic screws things up.

So how is the economy with all you guys? Things sucking, or are you doing all right?


BTW, while I have a few leads right now, if you know of any employment for my in Boise, still feel free to pass tips my way. Man, I've been so close to getting that job a number of times; I feel like Tantalus.

Me being employed should be very good for the economy.

Rating: 1.9/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (38)
Pumped Up and Ready to Punch White People
Posted by Frank J. at 12:21 PM | Email This

Zo has a new video on Jeremiah Wright:

Black & White on the Grey Matters (Jermiah Wright)

I'm seeing him and Mary Katharine Ham as a new generation of pundits. Unfortunately, that's an area where in the traditional media change moves very slowly.

Rating: 2.4/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (13)
1. End War
2. ?
3. Profit!
Posted by Frank J. at 11:35 AM | Email This

I keep hearing liberals talk about how one of the problems with the economy is the war draining money from the economy.

And how is that? For one thing, a lot of that money goes to American companies. Still, you could argue it would be spent better in the private sector, but I don't hear any liberals arguing to end the war and then put all the money we save back into the economy through tax cuts. Their plans are probably just to spend it on free condoms and stuff.

Rating: 3.1/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (13)
April 29, 2008
In My World: See No Evil
Posted by Frank J. at 04:44 PM | Email This

"I hate crackers!"

"Yes, I know," Barack Obama told Jeremiah Wright. "So does everyone else, so now its time to throw you under the bus."

Obama Secret Service agents picked up Wright and prepared to toss him under the bus. "But I married you! I baptized your kids!"

"And I appreciate that. Say hi to my grandma when you're under the bus."

"But I hate that cracker!" Wright said just before being tossed under the bus.

"Now I need to just clear this up with the press." Obama walked over and stood up on a podium just as the press was assembling. "I was unaware that Jeremiah Wright was a crazy man," he told them. "This is something I've just become aware of... and not something I ignored previously for political expediency. I totally just found out about it now."

"So you had no idea in all the time he was your spiritual mentor?" a reporter asked.

"When all the time he advised me about the evil crackers," Obama said, "I thought he was referring to Ritz crackers. I only recently found out how rich and buttery they are -- quite the opposite of evil."

"But didn't you quote Wright ranting about 'white greed' in your book Dreams from My Father?" another reporter asked.

"I've never read that book," Obama answered. "Far as I know, that book is full of extremism, and I condemn it."

"But... you wrote it."

"Someone named Barack Obama wrote it; that's a very common name. Any other questions."

"Since before you said you couldn't disown Wright anymore than you could disown the black community," a reporter said, "are you now disowning the black community?"

Obama shrugged. "I guess. I never particularly cared for black people, especially now that I finally found out what they are like since Wright gave those interviews."

"So you really never saw any crazy extremism in the twenty years you went to Trinity?" a reporter asked.

"Well... I'm secretly a Muslim," Obama replied. "Every time I attended a service at Trinity, the whole time I was not paying attention as I was trying to figure out what direction Mecca was so I could pray towards it."

"So are we to believe--"

"I think it's one of those Mecca praying times," Obama interrupted. "So I'm going to have to go now and do whatever it is Muslims do."

Michelle Obama walked on stage and asked Barack, "You done talking to those crackers? Why do you even want to be president of this country? I hate it!"

Obama looked back to the press. "By the way, also due to things I've just suddenly become aware of, I'm getting a divorce."

Rating: 2.2/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (16) | In My World
Unreasonable Voter Burdens
Posted by Frank J. at 01:13 PM | Email This

The Supreme Court upheld requiring voters to present a photo ID, despite the Democratics saying it was an unreasonable burden on the voters and their compelling argument that such a restriction would have kept all the Founding Fathers from voting.

Democratics have many other objections to current voting law than just the photo ID, though.


10. Can't urinate on the ballot.

9. Must be able to communicate in at least one language.

8. Can't mug the person in front of you and still vote.

7. Must go to the voting booth instead of the other way around.

6. Can't be a cat.

5. Must have pants.

4. Can't vote twice.

3. Must be alive.

2. Must be a U.S. citizen.

And the number one thing the Democrat Party considers to be an unreasonable burden on voters...


Rating: 3.1/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (25)
lolterizt! Part 45
Posted by Harvey at 11:31 AM | Email This

Submit! Submit! Submit!

Not to Islam.

I mean submit your lolterizt! entries.

Meanwhile, pass 'em around, spread the love, and if you post your own, don't be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.


exit wrong.jpg

fat terizt.jpg

get a room.jpg

get frisbee.jpg

got 2 p.jpg

got marshmallows.jpg

From Geah:
fly like superman.jpg

From AlanABQ:
lil terizt.JPG

From Raving Lunatic:
only this big.jpg

From Xaetognath:
like dead.jpg

From acrazymic:
mmm bacon.jpg

#1: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won't end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

HAT TIP: Snapped Shot for handy links to ripe-for-captioning photos.

Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and - if they aren't obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don't suck too terribly bad - I'll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

Rating: 2.6/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (3) | lolterizt
April 28, 2008
Posted by Frank J. at 05:50 PM | Email This

Do you think Jeremiah Wright hates America? Before you answer too quickly, think about it. Now, what he says makes it sound like he hates America, but what about his actions? The way he's going around right now spouting crazy stuff makes it seem like he's dead set on sinking the Obama candidacy, and is there a better way than that to show your love of America?

Rating: 2.7/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (44)
A Story, Bit by Bit
Hellbender: Chapter 23 - Life Sucks
Posted by Frank J. at 05:03 PM | Email This


Lulu never actually expected to be rich. It was just a fun fantasy to hold onto until things blew up in their face and they moved on to the next ultimately doomed scheme. She'd figured that what her life would be until their luck completely ran out. It wasn't much of a life, but it seemed to her to be a million times better than to try and conform to the insane world they lived in.

Bryce had been quiet on the gratuitously flying train trip back to Avaro as he was quickly spreading the money into multiple accounts before some imagined other would try and steal it. Lulu spent her time trying to get in contact with Charlene or Doug. When that didn't work, she even tried to get in contact with Lara but was sent directly to her voice mail.

"I wish Lara wasn't rich too," she told Bryce as they exited the train.

Bryce didn't even acknowledge her as he was still busy securing their finances on his handheld computer.

Lulu quickly headed out to the train station lobby and looked around. There she spotted Charlene staring back at her, her eyes red like she'd been crying. Don't jump to conclusion, Lulu told herself. Maybe she's sad because she saw Lara gruesomely decapitated. Maybe she even has video of it!

Bryce was the first to speak. "Where's Doug?"

Charlene looked defeated. "They took him."

"Who? Why?" Lulu asked.

"Darius. It was insane. Elza's people somehow ambushed us on the train and just started killing everyone. Lara and I just tried to protect ourselves until the train made its emergency landing, but Doug went charging off to help everyone else. Then the train ripped in two and I thought for sure he was dead. But apparently Darius had been following us -- I think Lara had been informing him this whole time -- and he found Doug safe on the ground with the cube. They took him along with it. They think he knows something about it -- I guess that's what Lara told them. Darius said he'd pay us extra for the 'inconvenience.' He then dropped me off here to wait for you." She was quiet for a moment. "There was nothing I could do."

Bryce laughed. "Five hundred thousand extra for Doug? What a bunch of idiots. It shouldn't take them more than a few minutes to realize he knows nothing, and then they'll dump him back out on the street. They'll probably want that money back, but they're not getting it."

"They're taking him to Ronove!" Charlene shouted.

Ronove was a Transcendent allied with Asmod who seemed to have little concern with the warring over territory and people. He instead stayed secluded in his lab from which many stories emerged though Asmod's government never gave any official acknowledgement of what happened there. "If they're going to dissect Doug's brain," Lulu said, "that's a huge waste for a number of reasons."

"Don't be silly," Bryce said. "No one knows what goes on at that lab. I guarantee you every rumor we've heard about it is completely made up."

Charlene looked quite worried. "You ever hear of anyone being involved with an experiment there and being seen again?"

Bryce scoffed. "This is just stupid speculation and..." He stopped, apparently not knowing where he was going with that thought. His expression turned serious. "I guess I might as well be the asshole and point out that it's pretty trivial to figure out how to split three million three ways."

Charlene punched Bryce in the face.

"Super." Bryce clutched the bruise on his cheek. "Did you get that out of your system? Now let's look at reality: There is nothing we can do. Were we somehow able to get anywhere near that lab, you can't sneak past a Transcendent. You can't fool someone who can read minds -- who doesn't even exist by our rules. The only thing we can do is hope he decides Doug isn't worth his precious time. Are you going to argue with that?"

Charlene looked like she was tearing up. "So we go on like nothing happened?"

"That's all we can do!" Bryce shouted. He quickly regained his composure. "Let's get out of this city... but let's not take the train. We'll get some nice hotel rooms somewhere, sort out the finances, and then soon we won't have to see each other anymore because we'll be able to afford friends we can stand."

Lulu felt she should say something. "I think we should hunt down and kill Lara in honor of Doug."

Bryce sighed. "We're too rich for that crap, Tri-Lu."

She started to walk off with Bryce but noticed Charlene wasn't following. "You're both cowards."

Lulu didn't mind being called a coward; she knew she was cute and thus didn't care what people thought about her bravery. Bryce was another matter.

He marched right up to Charlene and stood over her. Bryce wasn't a very big man, but Charlene was a particularly small woman. "Doug adored you, and you were nothing but a bitch to him. Don't act like you care more just because of your guilt."

"I thought 'Hellbender' was about us sticking up for each other!"

They looked ready to trade blows, so Lulu took a deep breath and slowly pulled Bryce away as she stepped in between the two. "It was a game, Charlene. Now its over."

Charlene started crying, and Lulu couldn't help but cry too as they hugged her. Bryce just stood by silently. They were rich now, but she still felt powerless. Lulu just wished there was something in life that didn't suck.

Charlene eventually got a hold of herself and Lulu dried her tears as well. "So do you think some powerful entity was really talking to Doug?" Lulu asked. "Because it's really mean to drag someone like him into an interdimensional conflict. Doug can't even figure out the map at the mall. I can't think of any reason someone would involve him in something this big except to be mindlessly cruel."

Bryce shrugged. "I guess you can't be so insignificant that one day the universe won't decide to reach out and crush you."


Rating: 2.5/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (6) | Hellbender Take Two
Point of Order
Posted by Frank J. at 02:55 PM | Email This

I've gotten some criticism for referring to apes as monkeys -- but shut up, they're frick'n monkeys too. Don't tell me, "Well, scientifically, 'monkey' only refers to the subset of simian primates that includes New World monkeys and Old World monkeys. And, yes, I've never been touched by a woman." When I say monkeys, I, like many people, include apes which are just monkeys without tails. They're all dangerous, and I hate them all.

Shut up, you monkey apologists.

Rating: 2.2/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (20)
Idle Hands
Posted by Frank J. at 01:23 PM | Email This

I think I know what's up with Jeremiah Wright: He's not a very good preacher.

Yeah, I know; shocking conclusion. But if you listen to his sermons, basically he's just randomly throwing stuff out there without even thinking about it probably because he has time to fill. He'll write a sermon about sharing, find three supporting quotes in the Bible, then get through all of that and realize he's only been talking for three minutes. So he'll suddenly shout, "AMERICA is just... like Al AQAEDA, but under a different... color... FLAAAG! Because of... STUFF... and THINGS!"

Then later he'll try to justify what he said, but he probably can't even remember what it was. All the controversial stuff is just mindless padding. Like he had one sermon where he said, "The military... does not make WAR for... PEACE! That's like RAPING... for VIRGINITY!" It's something that could sound profound if you don't spend a moment's thought about it. I'd like to ask him, "Well, most people know how you make war for peace -- we fought WWII and subsequently got peace -- but could you please explain to me how you rape for virginity?"

He'd probably just respond, "Shut up, cracker!" which, admittedly, is a pretty good response.

Now Wright just spoke at the NAACP saying that black and whites have genetically different brains. He based this scientific conclusion on the fact that he lost the note cards for his speech and this was the first thing that popped into his head when he started talking. So now Wright is sounding like a white racist from a hundred years ago, and you really have to wonder why Obama sought this guy out to be his surrogate father. Maybe Obama just had nothing to do one day and said to himself, "Know what would be neat? A wacky racist preacher to be my spiritual mentor!"

That's trouble. See, when I get bored, I play videogames. I pay sixty bucks a year to subscribe to Gametap where there's like hundreds of games to choose from. Because of that, I never once felt the urge to seek out a racist preacher. Gametap should use that as a slogan: "With over a thousand games to choose from, there's no need for a racist surrogate father!"

Rating: 2.6/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (19)
California Wildfire Running on Platform of Change
Posted by Harvey at 12:22 PM | Email This

SIERRA MADRE, Calif. (AP) - Despite threatening to destroy hundreds of homes in Southern California, the wildfire burning northeast of Los Angeles today assured voters that it was merely delivering on its promise of change.

Wildfire '08: Blazing a trail of change.

"Even though I'm being attacked by tanker planes as part of the Vast Wet-Wing Conspiracy," said the conflagration, "I'd like to assure Americans that my only goal here is change. In Bush's America, millionaires in mansions roll around naked on piles of money from the Bush tax cuts. This causes bitterness among working people, forcing them to cling to water, firefighting equipment, and antipathy towards those with combustion rates different from their own."

Although some accused the blaze of stealing Obama's theme of "change", the voracious flames were quick to disagree. "The big difference between Obama and I is that he goes to these lavish California homes to raise millions, while I plan to raze millions of lavish California homes."

"And unlike Obama," continued the wildfire, "I'm not playing the race card here. Black, white, man, woman, gay, straight... it doesn't matter, because deep inside we're all Americans who will be charred into the smoking ash of equality as my plan for change sweeps across the state, and hopefully, the nation."

Republican Presidential candidate John McCain said that, although he opposed the fire's plan for a hellish nationwide inferno, he did support a scaled-down version, where people would be able to choose their own level of immolation.

Rating: 2.4/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (9) | Newsish Fakery
We Don't Mind if McCain Has a Temper as Long as It's Directed at the Right People
Posted by Frank J. at 11:15 AM | Email This

So apparently another issue that McCain and Obama disagree on is whether Jeremiah Wright is a legitimate issue. McCain says it isn't, Obama says it is. Will McCain now denounce Obama as voraciously at the North Carolina Republicans?

"I want this to be a clean campaign about real issues like the war, but Obama wants to focus on the amoral scumbags he hangs out with. I hate him as nearly as much as I hate conservatives!"

Rating: 2.5/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (13)
April 27, 2008
"I Love America. That's Why I Live in L.A. From There, It's Only About a Half-Hour Commute to America."
Posted by Frank J. at 10:54 PM | Email This

Craig Ferguson, who will be voting for the first time this year since he recently became a U.S. citizen, hosted the White House Correspondents Dinner. Check it out. I thought his monologue was pretty funny, with the sharpest jab being at the NYT who refused to attend.

Rating: 1.8/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (11)
We're All Going to Die
Posted by Frank J. at 05:56 PM | Email This

If Glenn Beck had any sense, he'd be talking about this instead of whether Putin is Gog or Magog:

I found this through Ace (that's right; I found this monkey news myself before any of you e-mailed me -- you guys are slacking). That is an orangutan spearfishing. They had never done that before.

They are learning.

Becoming smarter.

Becoming deadlier.

Now they're killing fish with spears, but how long until they're coming through our windows with shotguns?

At least I'm not the only one seeing where this is going.

Rating: 2.1/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (25)
April 26, 2008
Let's Spotlight New Talent
Posted by Frank J. at 05:58 PM | Email This

Do you like conservative ranting? Do you like heavy metal? Do you like black people? Then check out this guy where you get all three at once. Ranting by itself can be pretty cool, but Zo does his research, man.

Watch. Discuss.

Hat tip to TBinSTL

Rating: 2.3/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (16)
April 25, 2008
Fred Thompson on Obama
Posted by Frank J. at 05:06 PM | Email This

How long until someone explains that the epithet "typical" is racist? Of course, Obama has already used in a racist context.

Missing is the part where Fred Thompson says, "God might not have smote Wright for ranting in a church like that, but I sure would have."

From Hot Air.

Rating: 2.2/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (18)
A Story, Bit by Bit
Hellbender: Chapter 22 - Priorities
Posted by Frank J. at 04:06 PM | Email This


Doug was quite familiar with concussions and thus was certain he had one. He felt both dizzy and tired and wanted nothing more than to just lay where he was. He was also hurting all over and pretty sure he was bleeding, but not so much he felt a desperate need to do something about it. Still, he heard others moaning around him and footsteps nearby and knew he couldn't just hope things turned out all right.

Doug felt around for one of his weapons, and screamed as a foot stomped down on his hand. "There you are," said a female voice.

He looked up to see another woman completely covered in body armor, a rifle slung over her shoulder. "What do you want?"

"A spectacle." She grabbed Doug and dragged him out of the car. Doug struggled to his feet, but she kicked him and sent him slamming into a wall, something striking him in the small of the back before he fell to the ground. The train appeared to have crashed in an abandoned part of town. Most cities had whole sections that had become ghost towns due to the huge decrease in population from the War.

"Haven't you killed enough?"

"For now." She punched Doug in the face and then rifled through his coat until she pulled out the cube. "I want you to open this."

Doug slowly stood up. "Even if I knew how, I wouldn't just because you psychos want me to."

"Even if in it is the secret to fighting the Transcendents?"

Doug let go of his anger long enough to become curious. "Do you know what's in it?"

"We know why we want it. We're fighting against the Trans."

"But you work for Elza."

She laughed. "Well, not against all the Trans then."

"But why kill all these people?"

She held the cube close to Doug's face. He didn't feel the depression and despair as much as he did before but he still moved away from it. "If only you knew how small a matter that was," she said, "you wouldn't even give it a moment's thought."

Doug pushed backed into the wall and felt the object in the small of his back again. Now he remembered what that was. "I guess I shouldn't think too much about this, then." He pulled out his snub-nose revolver and shot the soldier in the face. He wasn't sure the bullet penetrated the helmet, but she did go down. No one, under any conditions, likes being shot in the face. Picking up the cube, he was about to head back for the train when he saw a group of people walk towards him. His vision was blurry, but he could see all were in black except for the one at front.

The leader made a motion, and the gun was knocked out of Doug's hand like it had been hit by a strong gust of wind. "We're not here to hurt you," the man said. Doug could finally see who it was: Darius backed by a dozen Protectors. "Luckily, Asmod was able to convince Viath of the importance of getting the cube back in proper hands, so he allowed my people passage here. Looks like we were just in time." He walked over to Doug and took the cube from Doug's hand and looked it over. "How did it get bunnies on it?"

A part of Doug felt he should snatch the cube back, but he had no idea what he'd be trying to do to fight these people. Plus, there were more important things on mind. "You have your cube. I need help finding my friends now."

"If you mean Charlene Marshal, she already with us and she's fine. My understanding is your two other associates are far enough away from this that there is no risk to them. Now, for discretion's sake, we need to be out of here before Viath's people arrive to clean up this mess."

Some Protectors roughly led Doug away with Darius. They soon came to a large transport. They pushed Doug inside where he saw Charlene and Lara seated next to each other. Charlene immediately embraced Doug, tears in here eyes. "I thought you were dead!"

He patted her on the back. "I'm okay. So what's going on?"

"Did you get the cube?" Lara asked.

Darius entered and shut the door. "That he did."

Doug let go of Charlene and turned to Darius. "So it's all good then? We get paid and can go our separate ways?"

Darius looked a moment at the cube in his hand and then at Doug. "I'm afraid our deal has changed."

* * * *

"Anything new?" It was perfunctory question, as Lulu had laid her head on Bryce's shoulder and could see the screen as well as he could.

"Nothing new." They then had to wait to catch a train back to Avaro. It was now approaching evening and the sun was beginning to set, and all they knew of their friends was that there was a terrorist attack on the train resulting in an unspecified number of deaths.

The handheld computer beeped, indicating a new message. Lulu sat up. "Maybe that's them!"

"Maybe." Bryce checked the message, and it was perhaps the most shocking piece of news he had ever received.

"What is it?" Lulu asked with concern. She then glimpsed at the screen. "Holy flipping ninjas!"

The message was from his bank. Three million had been deposited into his account. Bryce slowly regained his composure. "I guess we did it."

"Go team Hellbender!" Lulu weakly pumped her fist in the air. "That must mean Charlene and Doug are okay if they got the cube and delivered it."

"But if they aren't okay, then that just means we get their shares. Good new either way," Bryce joked weakly. He checked his account again just to make sure it was no mistake. It wasn't. He was rich. The world was as it should be. The other details were unimportant. Still, one thing nagged at him. "That's five hundred thousand more than we agreed to. I wonder what that's for?"


Rating: 3.1/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (1) | Hellbender Take Two
Posted by Frank J at 02:00 PM | Email This

I got this comment from someone called "Truthteller" to my post Barack Obama Rumors:

I expected intelligence from the title of this post. That was disappointing. Man, you're an idiot.

Really? You were just searching around the internet, found a post entitled "Barack Obama Rumors," and thought to yourself, "Man! That's going to be a thought provoking post. Just look at that title! How could it be anything other?"

Maybe you're the stupid one. Just something to think about.


Whoops. This was me, Frank J., who posted, but I accidentally used SarahK's login. There's no easy way to change author, so I'll just leave it.

So how's your day been?

This is me, Spacemonkey, who knows the easy way to change authors. So I did.

And my day has been fine.


It's me, Frank J. again. How did Spacemonkey do that? I don't see any option in MT. I guess you could edit the entry in the SQL database, though...

I probably should e-mail him than ask here. Whatever.

Rating: 2.1/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (26) | I Hate Frank
Seems like the worst thing that happened to these "wealthy" was having to talk to the NYT
Posted by sarahk at 12:29 PM | Email This

Check it. I found this at HuffPo.

"Pain of Foreclosures Spreads to the Affluent" is the name of the NY Times article. Wait. Let's stop right there. Last I heard, all of the foreclosures were because the evil mortgage people tricked the dumb poor people into taking mortgages they can't afford to pay. Are you telling me that the rich people were "tricked" too? I'm guessing all of these rich folks feeling the heat from the mortgage companies -- they're all either trust fund babies or pro athletes, right? Because people smart enough to become affluent couldn't ever be "tricked" into taking these mortgages.

I know it's not possible that people knew what they were getting into when they signed their papers (because some people do actually read a piece of paper that is going to put them in debt for 10, 15, or 30 years), because the media tells me that the evil mortgage companies did it.

Let's read the article together, shall we? We're in Greenwich, Connecticut.

On Stanwich Road, for example, a house worth $2.6 million is close to going on the block. On Hettiefred Road, the owner of a 2,720-square-foot, four-bedroom colonial featuring a luxury kitchen, swimming pool and tennis court, has been threatened with foreclosure for months. Several dozen other owners in Greenwich have received foreclosure notices this year.

Oh. Oh. So we're talking about a house that is "close" to going on the block and another that has been "threatened with foreclosure." And people who have received foreclosure notices. All of that would suck, yes, but are the affluent of Greenwich really feeling the pain of foreclosure? I would think the pain of foreclosure is when you're actually, um... foreclosed upon, and you have to move out quickly and have a hard time finding a place to stay because no one wants to rent to you when you just defaulted on your loan for whatever reason.

But there is a difference from most other communities. Auctioning off such homes is a far greater challenge here than elsewhere, as affluent but cash-squeezed owners often find ways to delay losing their homes, sometimes by coming up with just enough to make last-minute payments avoiding a final sale — for a while, anyway.

Come again? I thought the article was going to say that auctioning off such homes is a far greater challenge in Greenwich because the homes are outrageously expensive and people don't want to pay so much for a house. But no. Auctions are a "greater challenge" there because people are able to make their payments. Oh noes!

Just ask John Thygerson, who parked his Jeep sport utility vehicle in front of the empty house on Hettiefred Road on the flawless spring day last Saturday.

As a foreclosure auctioneer, he was scheduled — for the third time since January — to sell the house. But the owner, a construction business owner who has fallen on hard times, made a last-minute mortgage payment and the foreclosure was postponed yet again.

Poor John Thygerson! Postponed yet again! Poor guy just wants to foreclose on a house on a flawless spring day, and the evil homeowner made a payment!

So Mr. Thygerson was there to shoo prospective buyers off the property, nod at inquisitive neighbors and stake out a new spot for a fourth set of foreclosure signs after the first three had been mysteriously torn down.

Here's a clue to your mystery: The owner did it. Case solved. And poor guy, having to shoo off prospective buyers. Work is hard.

"We never had a case that had gone through three separate sales attempts," he said, still dazed that the auction failed to take place. "Greenwich being Greenwich, foreclosures are a rare occurrence."

And there you go. The pain of foreclosures is hitting the Greenwich affluent because... foreclosures are a rare occurrence. Those poor people in Greenwich who aren't being foreclosed. I'd just go ahead and off myself if I were them, being able to make their mortgage payments and keep their homes and all.

Rare, perhaps, but not unheard-of, as the housing industry collapse starts to claim victims among the affluent. Personal traumas like business reversal, illness and divorce play a role. There's no real pattern, with people as diverse as builders, restaurateurs and poker players at risk of losing their homes.

What? The evil mortgage company isn't at fault? I don't follow.

But even the most financially stressed of Greenwich homeowners have generally been able to ward off actually losing their homes.

Well, that's just awful. People keeping their homes.

In the last 30 days, none of the three Greenwich properties listed for auction were actually sold.

Terrible, that.

In Greenwich, foreclosure filings were made against 100 homes last year, according to RealtyTrac. That translates into less than half of 1 percent of Greenwich's 24,511 households, compared with a rate higher than 1 percent nationwide.

Note, that's the number of filings, not the number of actual foreclosures. This article is doing such a great job of showing me how painful it is to not lose your house due to wealth.

By 2007, the Connecticut Economic Resources Center reported, the median household income had risen to $122,849, with many homeowners earning far more.

I'd hope they're earning far more if they're buying multi-million-dollar homes.

The tearing down of existing homes to make room for new ones has continued despite the mortgage crisis that began last summer. And while prices and sales volume are dropping, Greenwich is not suffering as badly as nearby towns.

Greenwich is growing and building and not suffering as badly as nearby towns? I'm sorry, I missed how this article is about what the title says?

Through April 23 this year, 160 co-ops, condos and single-family homes sold for $290,000 to $30 million. That compares with 240 sales, from $385,000 to $12 million, for the period in 2007, according to the Greenwich Multiple Listing Service.

Just curious, are you comparing apples to apples? Was the $30 million sale a 10,000 sq. ft. house while the $12 million house is only 4,000? You can't just throw stats out without the important supporting information or they mean nothing.

Still, lawyers working on Greenwich's early foreclosure cases predict that most will never reach the auction stage because their homeowners almost always have other options.

Did Harvey write this?

As for the four-bedroom colonial that just avoided going on the block, Zbigniew Skwarek, the 41-year-old owner, came up with his own money to postpone the auction. Court records show he stopped paying on his mortgage on Feb. 1, 2007. But three days before the scheduled auction, he said, he gave his lender a check for $50,000.

Mr. Skwarek may not live in one of Greenwich's most coveted neighborhoods. But like many residents here, he owns other properties, including an apartment in Greenwich and a home in Florida, and he can tap into that equity.

Now, there's your problem. The poor rich guy who *didn't* lose his house even though he didn't pay his mortgage for over a year owns another apartment nearby and a house in Florida? He couldn't have sold something to make his payments? Maybe he just forgot that he had three mortgages and only remembered the other two. I'm crying for him, really.

"I don't want to lose this house," Mr. Skwarek said in a telephone interview.

Then make your payments. Sell something else. We can't have it all, dude.

Mr. Skwarek rented out the house after he divorced his wife, Renata, in 2004, because, he said, it felt too big to live in alone. But last year, he said, his renters, John and Arline Josephberg, stopped paying their monthly rent of $10,000.

Oh, it's the renters' fault! Of course! And if it's too big to live in alone, maybe you should sell it. Do you really not want to lose the house if you don't even care to live in it?

But public records show that Mr. Skwarek had trouble paying his bills even before he rented out his home. Court documents show that he also owes construction and supply companies more than $200,000 for unpaid bills on his home.

Good grief. I don't even think I can make it through the rest of the article. The title suggests we're supposed to be sad, but all I've read is that people are keeping their houses and/or are deadbeats.

He has a felony conviction for not paying wages to his workers and a misdemeanor for issuing a bad check.

Who gave this guy a mortgage?

Vincent Scorese, who owns a house next door and also faces the risk of foreclosure, moved out and rented out his home after he went through a divorce. He said that as a builder he became overextended and found it difficult to make his mortgage payments on the five properties he owns in the area. So he has put them all up for sale.

Finally, someone with sense. He can't afford his mortgages, so he's selling his five houses.

Mr. Skwarek says he is eager to hold onto his home, especially because it represents the culmination of his longstanding immigrant dream. Mr. Skwarek said he grew up outside of Warsaw and studied construction in Germany, France and Britain.

And studying not paying his bills in America.

Mr. Skwarek has still not figured out how he will hold on to his home. He will try to rent it again, he said. If that doesn't work, he plans to move in and rent out his apartment. He remains optimistic that foreclosure will never happen and that his lender will help him find a way to escape his financial trap.

"They want to work with people like me," he said.

People who haven't paid them even the price of a steak dinner in over a year.

Mr. Thygerson, the auctioneer, agrees that he may never get a chance to do his job.

I hope he doesn't work on commission.

Cross-posted from Mountaineer Musings.

Rating: 2.4/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (11)
Someone Is Not Bitterly Clinging to Her Bible
Posted by Frank J. at 11:34 AM | Email This

A couple of times I posted about the paradox of liberal Christians, wondering why they even bother with Christianity when they have to toss out so many beliefs to make themselves feel good about their current actions. Pelosi helped me understand with this quote from Earth Day:

“The Bible tells us in the Old Testament, ‘To minister to the needs of God’s creation is an act of worship. To ignore those needs is to dishonor the God who made us.’"

So liberals just make up Bible quotes to fit whatever they want to argue for.

"And God said to Adam and Eve, 'Be fruitful and multiply... but if you don't feel like having another child and get pregnant, do what you need to. I won't judge.'"

"And God said to Abraham, 'I shall destroy Sodom and Gomorrah, for they are wicked and don't allow gay marriage.'"

"And Jesus said, 'Render unto Caesar what is Caesar's, because he's the government and he knows how to spend your money better. Seriously, give your money to him and not to me or my followers; religious charities are no match for the benevolence of the government.' Jesus then mocked everyone who believed in Him for being stupid and closed-minded."

Rating: 2.7/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (33)
April 24, 2008
The Perfect McCain Slogan
Posted by Frank J. at 03:48 PM | Email This

That about sums it up.

(profanity warning)

Certainly haven't come up with a better one myself.

Rating: 2.1/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (12)
People Who Don't Like Me Assume I Have Magical Mind-Reading Powers
Posted by Frank J. at 02:32 PM | Email This

You don't know how many times I get angry hate mail where I have no idea what the person is talking about. Obviously, some person looking for porn accidentally stumbled onto an old post and then sends me an e-mail ranting about it but not telling what post made the person angry as he apparently assumes I'll psychically know what the hell he is talking about.

Here's an e-mail I got today (usual rules on profanity in hate mail apply):

SUBJECT: screw you ronin

Uh, I don't know who you are or where you are from, but screw you if you want to make fun of us. We are not all hillbilly's. We don't mind the river flooding, I'd rather it flood then be stuck in a damn earthquake and fall into the earth in Cali! We do get personalized license plates and I think we can spell better than you ronin. Yes we do have all our teeth and not more than we should ronin. You have really offended me and this state, if I ever catch you around here you will see what a redneck can happily do to you, you stupid piece of eight! I know you are probably one of those "I don't give a banana hammock who I offend people", but let me tell you brother, you are going to burn in hell for talking about people like that. Have a nice day idiot.

From context, I'm guessing he read one of Harvey's "Fun Facts About the 50 States" posts (they're under Fun Trivia as I apparently wasn't smart enough to make a separate category for them), but not only does he not tell me what post he's reacting to, he doesn't even give me a clue of what state I need to stay out of to avoid being beaten by rednecks. How do people this stupid even get on the internet? I e-mailed for clarification -- as I do every time this sort of thing happens -- but if history is any indication, I shouldn't expect a response.


I googled some of things mentioned in the e-mail and my best guess is he's from Mississippi and reacting to this post by Harvey. Someone takes his state a little too seriously.

When did Mississippi get the internet?

Rating: 2.2/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (19) | I Hate Frank
Superdelegate FAQ
Posted by Frank J. at 01:10 PM | Email This

Q. Why do the Democrats have superdelegates?
A. Democrats got burned by democracy in many previous elections, so they decided that after the long primary battle between Democratic candidates for the president, they'll just go ahead and have their elites pick the winner.

Q. So why even have the primary process and not just have the superdelegates pick the winner?
A. The Democrats know they need to keep their voters busy or they might try thinking for themselves.

Q. The Democrats claim that the superdelegates only enhances the primary process. Is this true?
A. The stated purpose of the superdelegates is to make sure that the idiots who make up the Democrat base don't nominate someone unelectable.

Q. Like Barack Obama?
A. Yep. Shiny new candidate all the dummies flock to while the elites deep down know he's going to be a disaster.

Q. Plus, the Democrats don't want the minorities to get all uppity.
A. Well that goes without saying.

Q. So who are the superdelegates?
A. They are the elites of the elites -- the intelligentsia of the Democratic Party.

Q. White people!
A. Pretty much. While white men don't actually vote for Democrats anymore, they still run the party.

Q. I don't trust white people.
A. I'm not going to argue you should.

The inventor of the Democrats' superdelegate system.
Q. So how does one get to be a superdelegate?
A. You have to work in the higher echelons of the party, laugh at religious people, and consistently underestimate middle America.

Q. And be white.
A. I didn't say it.

Q. It's time to take the party away from those honkeys!
A. Why is my questioner today a black militant?

Q. Shut up, cracker! I'm asking the questions!
A. Fine. Anymore questions?

Q. So is the superdelegate system pretty much assured to rip the Democratic Party apart?
A. Yes. You'd almost think some Republican operative came up with idea.

Q. Who did come up with it?
A. Someone named Rarl Kove. Is it just me, or does his mustache look fake?

Q. All I know is that he looks white, so you know he's up to something!
A. You can say that again, brother.

Q. Don't brother me, honkey!
A. Sorry.

Rating: 3.0/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (16)
Maybe He's Just Courting Edwards's Pansy Voting Bloc?
Posted by Harvey at 12:06 PM | Email This

In primaries, debates, and in the finer points of smear-campaign, Barack Obama keeps showing America how good he is.

At getting beaten by a girl.


How can he be expected to stand up to ruthless, cut-throat Islamic terrorists - who, according to scientific studies, beat girls all the time - when he's constantly getting his ass handed to him by a Breastified-American?

Seriously, the dude needs to sneak the key to Michelle's testicular lock box out from underneath her pillow, strap on a pair, and cowboy up.

Here are my suggestions for ways Obama can toughen up his image to improve his chances of having the honor of losing to a REAL man in November:

Obama's new testosterone-powered campaign tour bus

* Claim that he once gazed up Fred Thompson's mighty visage without being turned into stone.

* Point out to journalists asking tough questions that he knows both unrepentant terrorists and the journalists' home addresses.

* Post a YouTube video of himself successfully de-candifying a baby (note to Obama: edit out the failed attempts before posting).

* When whining about the unfairness of debate questions, do it with a Schwarzenegger accent.

* Drop the Cosmo scrip.

* Casually twirl a butterfly knife during stump speeches.

* Surround himself with guys who make him look rugged by comparison, like cripples or interior decorators.

* Kick a puppy and laugh.

* Don't look at me like that. It worked for Hillary, didn't it?

* Promise that if he's elected, he'll replace water-boarding with scorpion-boarding.

* Film himself defeating a Spaniard, a Giant, and a Sicilian.

YOU got any suggestions? Come on, help a brother out.

Rating: 2.3/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (21) | Election 2008
It Seems Like Genius, But I Think He's Just Cranky
Posted by Frank J. at 10:59 AM | Email This

Have you seen the racket McCain has going? Initially I dismissed it as just nutroots whining, but it is pretty sweet. Either a person makes an offensive statement about Obama or a group puts out an attack ad against him, McCain then denounces the person or ad, the statement or ad gets played over and over so everyone can see what McCain is offended by while McCain gets praised by everyone in the media for denouncing the attack. Of course, he upsets conservatives when it's a completely legitimate attacks he's denouncing, but the Republican primary already proved that no one cares what we think.

Rating: 2.6/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (13)
April 23, 2008
People Expect Too Much Out of White Men
Posted by Frank J. at 06:31 PM | Email This

I was looking at the exit poll data for the Pennsylvania Democratic Primary, and I noticed some things. First off, it was 58% female, because, as I've said before, it's very hard to imagine someone which a penis voting for a Democrat. The other things I noticed involved race and gender. Blacks went insanely for Obama at 90% for him versus 10% for Hillary. White women had an absurd 68% percent for Hillary versus 32% for Obama. That left it up to white men to actually vote for one or the other based on the issues and not just their racial or gender identity (they went 57% to 43% for Hillary). It's kinda unfair to put that much responsibility on them. Plus, I've known plenty of white males, and they are not the sort of people you want making all these decisions.

Rating: 2.4/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (37)
A Story, Bit by Bit
Hellbender: Chapter 21 - Violence
Posted by Frank J. at 05:07 PM | Email This


"Why is this train flying?" Lulu pointed out the window. "There's plenty of room down there for tracks. It's only flying because it seems high-tech, and everyone want everything to be 'high-tech' whether it serves a purpose or not."

Bryce sighed and sat down. "I don't care, Tri-Lu. Should we check around the train once more?"

Lulu didn't answer and kept staring out the window with an odd expression. Bryce heard gasps and then looked out the window as well. He could see in the distance the other train and it looked like parts of it were exploding. "I guess we have the wrong train."

"I'm not sure you can call the non-exploding train the 'wrong' one," Lulu answered.

The other train looked like it was descending. "You can when you have millions invested in the exploding one."

"I hope Charlene and Doug are okay." She turned and faced Bryce. "I don't care if Lara is okay."

"I figured." Bryce looked around the car. "You think this thing has an emergency brake?"

"It might if it were on the ground."

* * * *

For a moment, Doug could only stare in disbelief. The four women with Handler began shooting and stabbing the passengers while Handler just watched and smiled. People pleading for their lives were struck down, and then the horrifying realization hit Doug that this was going to keep happening unless he did something.

He ripped the sword from the hidden sheath on his back and cut through one of the Amazons just as she was about to shoot another passenger. Blood splashed on his face but his mind was racing from too much adrenal to care. The others kept killing, not paying Doug any attention. He stabbed one who was armed with a short sword and then remembered his gun.

He tossed his sword to his left and hand and drew his gun to Handler's head who looked back at him with amusement. "You seem to be taking this personally."

"You're insane!" Doug screamed at her. The two other remaining Amazons paused to watch, allowing those left alive time to flee, but Doug could hear gunfire both in front of him and behind him on the train.

Handler still looked at him as if this were all some big joke. "If sanity is defined as having an accurate perception of reality, then we're the only sane ones on this train."

"Stop this or I will kill you!"

She laughed. "You should threaten people with things they're afraid of, dear." The other two laughed as well as began to leave the car.

The mixture of confusion and rage was a bit much for Doug's brain. He couldn't remember much of what happened next, but his ears were ringing from gunfire when he walked into another car. There were men and women huddled on the floor there, not having anywhere to flee for safety. "Don't kill us!" one yelled at him.

"I'm with Hellbender; I'm here to help. Stay here." Doug wrested control of himself again. He couldn't quite understand what was going on and why, but he was able to break it down into something simple he could understand: He had to kill all the bad people.

A bullet broke the glass to the door to the next car. Doug charged forward. Some vehicle had crashed through the side of the train and was lodged into it. He saw someone in full body armor armed with a rifle standing among dead bodies. "Are you Doug?" she asked.

"Yes." Doug fired at her, but the bullets only knocked her back slightly as she fired back wildly. Doug dived to the ground and heard more gunfire though no bullets struck anywhere near him. He looked up to see Charlene standing over the soldier fire down. "Charlene!"

She looked at him. "What the hell is happening here?"

Doug got himself off the ground. "I don't know! They're after me or something! Where's Bryce and Lulu?"

Charlene reloaded. "They're on the other train."

He saw Lara enter the car, and he ran over and placed his sword to her neck. "You're behind this! This was a setup!"

"How does that make any sense?" Lara shouted back angrily.

Charlene pulled Doug away. "I don't trust her either, but she just helped me fight off a couple armed gunmen so let's keep things in perspective. What we need right now is to get out of here." She looked at the transport lodged in the wall. "Maybe this vehicle still works."

Lara shook her head. "Too risky. The train is going for an emergency landing. The best bet is defending this position until we're on the ground and can make a getaway." She looked to Doug. "Do you have the cube?"

Doug felt an odd lump in his jacket. He didn't remember pocketing it but figure he must have during the initial commotion. He felt like just chucking it out the hole in the wall. More gunfire snapped him back to the matter at hand. "They're going to kill everyone if we don't stop them."

"Maybe we weren't the only ones smart enough to ride the train armed," Lara said. "To be honest, I don't really see why we should care either way."

Charlene grabbed his arm and looked him in the eyes. "We need to worry about ourselves right now. We don't know how many there are or how well they're armed. Defending this position is the smart thing to do."

Doug thought he heard more screaming. "How many times did we need help and there was no one there?"

"Yes, Doug. So what do we owe any of these people?"

He didn't know how to argue with that, but he knew he was right. He pulled off Charlene's grip. "I'm going."

"If you're going to run off and get killed, at least give us the cube," Lara said.

"Go to hell." Doug exited the car towards the sound of gunfire. He was back in the car filled with people who had fled from both directions. He glanced back to see if Charlene was following him, but he was alone again. "Everyone go back a car!" he yelled to the people there. "There's two women there who will keep you safe." Doug marched forward.

An explosion shook the train and knocked him to the ground. He looked back to see they were ripped apart from Charlene's car. They were also plummeting quite quickly. He didn't remember much after that.


Rating: 2.5/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (6) | Hellbender Take Two
They Stole My Precious!
Posted by Frank J. at 02:32 PM | Email This

People in the Congo are afraid of penis theft... and not just any penis theft. We're talking magical penis theft. Citizen will go up to the police and say, "A sorcerer stole my penis! Look how tiny it is!"

Now, we'd probably just laugh this off as people in Congo being a bunch of rubes who have never seen the shrinkage episode of Seinfeld and probably just read Harry Potter and the Goblet of Penis Snatching ("Peno Reducto!"), but just the other day I saw at least two diaries at the Daily Kos entitled "Someone stole my penis!!11!! Look how tiny it is!!" I didn't click on them, though, out of fear they had pictures.

Question: What is the sorcerer Karl Rove doing with the penises he magically stole from the nutroots?

Rating: 2.2/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (24)
Why Is This Guy Considered a Pundit?
Posted by Frank J. at 01:38 PM | Email This

Obama outspent Hillary 3 to 1 in Pennsylvania and still lost big time. The important lesson Kos takes from this: Wow! Look at how much money Obama has! This is great news for the general election!

I'm not thinking we're going to hear anymore about Kos and the Kwazies after November.

Rating: 2.3/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (24)
Barack Obama Rumors
Posted by Frank J. at 12:53 PM | Email This

There have been many rumors about Senator Barack Obama, so I thought I'd check on how which ones are true if any:

Obama is happy when his head isn't stuck in a bucket.
RUMOR: Obama is a Muslim.
Obama is not currently a Muslim. He's a Christian of some sort in the "hate Whitey" sect.

RUMOR: Obama is an enlightened space alien sent to save humanity.
All evidence points towards Obama being a below average man who his wife stopped asking to do chores around the house because he was always getting his head stuck in the mop bucket.

RUMOR: Obama tried to bomb the Pentagon.
That was his friend.

RUMOR: Obama felt we got what we deserved on 9/11.
That was his other friend.

RUMOR: Obama was once a hired goon for the Aquaman villain Black Manta.
While Obama has served on a number of committees and attended a fundraiser hosted by Black Manta, Obama has never worked for him. His campaign has on numerous occasions called it out of bounds to draw connections between Obama and the terrorists, hatemongers, and supervillians he happens to hang around with in his spare time.

RUMOR: Obama has great judgment.
In recent cognitive psychology study, Obama was shown two of the same type glasses filled with liquid and agreed that each has the same amount of liquid. He then watched as one was poured into a tall, thin glass. When asked which glass had more liquid, he pointed to the taller glass.

RUMOR: Obama once bowled a perfect 300.
Obama once bowled a 3, which some consider to be the perfect number in a non-bowling context.

RUMOR: Obama is a member of radical black separatist groups and considers himself racially superior to all others.
He does not consider himself racially superior since he's half white.

RUMOR: Obama can fly.
Obama is subjected to the laws of gravity the same as anyone else, something he found out the hard way when he put on a red sheet and jumped off the garage at the age of thirty.

RUMOR: Obama has read War and Peace six times.
Obama is barely literate.

RUMOR: Obama has super-strength and is immune to bullets.
Obama often has his wife open the jar of marinated artichoke hearts for him. He is scared of guns and anything else that makes a loud noise.

RUMOR: Obama cares about the average man.
STATUS: Somewhat True
Obama cares about people who shop at Whole Foods and laugh at the religious whom he mistakenly believe to be the average man.

RUMOR: Obama is a teenage mutant ninja turtle in disguise.
STATUS: Indeterminate
While Obama does love pizza and shouts cowabunga on occasion, there is no known evidence of his ninja or turtle skills.

RUMOR: Obama would be a great presidential candidate.
I'm not even sure where that one got started.

Rating: 2.5/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (17)
lolterizt! Part 44
Posted by Harvey at 11:38 AM | Email This

Keep 'em coming, folks.

In the meantime, pass 'em around, spread the love, and if you post your own, don't be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.

flipping jews.jpg

mahmoud enzyte.jpg

no respect.jpg
[reference link]

no simon says.jpg

stop protesting.jpg

street urchins.jpg

From Matthew:
ghost riding.jpg
[reference link]

From Omar:
forgot loob.jpg

From DamnCat:

From AlanABQ:
Hoke poke.JPG

From Raving Lunatic:
mighty ak.jpg

From Xaetognath:
i have rusty.jpg

From acrazymic:
wacky protestors.jpg

PRODUCTION NOTES: #1: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won't end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

HAT TIP: Snapped Shot for handy links to ripe-for-captioning photos.

Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and - if they aren't obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don't suck too terribly bad - I'll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

Rating: 2.2/5 (25 votes cast)

Comments (9) | lolterizt
To Recap
Posted by Frank J. at 10:45 AM | Email This

Obama is the hugely inspiration candidate for hope and change, has basically locked the Democratic nomination, spent a ton of money from his huge fundraising, and he still had a giant loss to Hillary in Pennsylvania.

I think the bitter voters are the Democrats who think they might be stuck with Obama.

Rating: 2.6/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (11)
April 22, 2008
Thoughts on Earth Day
Posted by Frank J. at 04:43 PM | Email This

So Harvey said to me, "Today is Earth Day. You should write something about the earth!"

Our mission should be to Love, not War.
To which I responded, "First off, I, like my readers, am not sure you're actually a physically separate person from me, so it's perhaps pointless to talk to you. Secondly and more importantly, I'm not quite sure the earth is great."

Let's look at things objectively: The only reason people think the earth is so great is that we have no other habitable planets to compare it to. If we didn't need the environment to survive, we probably wouldn't spend much time trying to preserve it.

Isn't celebrating Earth Day pretty much celebrating our slavery to the fickle nature of the environment? Why would we want to celebrate that? Wouldn't a "Free from Earth Day" be better where we one day celebrate how we used technology to overcome our dependence on the environment?

The planet closest to Earth is Venus. It's about the same size as Earth and probably very lovely (the sun rises in the west!). Yet, all the plans for our first interplanetary trip involve the much further away and smaller Mars. Why? Because we envision that one day we can make an environment there much like like that of Earth's. Do you see how this dependence on an environment has limited our thinking?

If we were more optimistic, any time we heard our actions could lead to a natural disaster, we would say, "So what? We're humans! We're innovative! We can survive anything!" That's the attitude that gets things done.

I live on the earth because I have to. I don't particularly care for it and anyone who says otherwise is only fooling himself.

Rating: 2.9/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (26)
Obama unleashes his war strategy on the primary
Posted by sarahk at 03:13 PM | Email This

Be fearful. I guess Princess Obama wasn’t prepared to sustain losses in debates, and since he was faced with actual questions instead of fluffy pillows, satin sheets, and appeasement last week, he’s decided the best strategy for winning the election is to turn tail and run away. I’d hate to see the scurrying if he were to actually break a nail.

Captain Ed:

Even worse, after last Wednesday, it looks like a retreat. Obama got a bloody nose, and suddenly he doesn’t want to appear on national TV, even up against a cupcake like Katie Couric. The strategy may be sound, but only if one has no confidence in Obama’s ability to stand up to tough questioning. In fact, his withdrawal from the debate appears to be an admission of exactly that.

No surprises there. It’s basically the same as his war strategy. When things don’t go our way for a while, let’s give up and leave. I would say that Obama’s political strategy actually leaves us better off (opposite of what his war strategy would do, obviously), but unfortunately, the people voting for Hopey McChangerson just want sunshine-and-rainbows speeches. They don’t care about things like issues, character, patriotism, and balls.

Cross-posted from Mountaineer Musings.

Rating: 2.5/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (13)
In My World: He Loves His Waffles
Posted by Frank J. at 01:13 PM | Email This

NOTE: This is an IMAO projection of what a Barack Obama presidency could be like.

President Obama was eating his morning waffles. "I sure love waffles," he said to no one in particular.

His aide rushed into the room. "Sir, Iran has--"

"Why can't I just eat my waffle?" Obama asked angrily.

"Sir, there is a crisis and--"

"Can you not see the waffle I am eating? You will wait until my waffle is gone to talk to me! I'm the president!"

"Yes, sir."

Obama took another bite. "I sure love waffles. I guess its the shape I like best. The waffle shape."

"Maybe you should just eat your waffles instead of talking about them so we can get to business," the aide suggested.

"Don't tell me how to eat my waffles!" Obama screamed. "I'm the president!" He then muttered to himself, "Dumb cracker." He looked back to the waffles. "Mmm... waffles!"

Rating: 2.4/5 (31 votes cast)

Comments (12) | In My World
Red on Red
Posted by Frank J. at 12:30 PM | Email This

In a Hillary ad, it talks about all the challenges a president can face and shows clips of various problems. One clip shows Osama bin Laden. Now, this doesn't faze Republicans who understand reality and have penises, but the Obama camp is actually whining about it. Obama, currently cowering under his desk and wetting himself, sent out his spokesman to blubber, "That's the politics of fear!"

Bitch, please.

That's the problem with the Democrats today: They have a shrill faction of them with whom serious issues can't even be discussed or they throw a conniption fit. Thus the Democrats are splitting with a conflict between those ninnies and the Democrats who actually have higher mental functions and at least a drop of testosterone.

It's not just the Democrats who are turning against each other; the terrorist are slap-fighting too. Ahmadinejad suggested that the U.S. government did the 9/11 attack, and now Zawahiri is upset saying that Iran is trying to take credit away from the Sunnis in al Qaeda. So, in his latest tape, instead of just denouncing America the whole time, he also spends half his time denouncing Iran.

Do you see what's happening here, people? Right now Bush is unpopular, but what the history books are going to say is that he served two terms as president after which both the Democrats and the terrorists were in shambles. And there will be a footnote that says, "Karl Rove is a magnificent bastard."

Rating: 2.3/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (16)
Pennsylvania Votes
Posted by Frank J. at 11:49 AM | Email This

Today, Pennsylvania, defying all common sense, votes for a Democrat. That's all there is on the ballot today: Democrats. If you were like, "I don't want to vote for a Democrat," then too bad; your only choices are Democrats. It's like the Twilight Zone.

It sounds like Hillary is supposed to win, but I hear that Obama has sent his supporters to all the polls in the rural areas so they can mock the values of those going in to vote. I'm not sure how well that strategy will work, but he can't help it.

Rating: 2.4/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Fun Facts About the Earth
Posted by Harvey at 11:02 AM | Email This

Hey! This isn't lolterizt!

I know, but I felt morally obligated to celebrate Earth Day. You'll get your fix tomorrow.

Meanwhile, enjoy these:


The earth is held steady in its orbit by a combination of gravity, inertia, and a well-manicured metrosexual.

* The earth rotates at approximately 1000 miles per hour. The actual speed depends on the latitude of the observer. Apparent speed depends on how many beers he's had.

* Roughly 2,000,000 pounds of space dust enters the atmosphere from space every year and reaches the planet's surface. Some scientists claim that they bring space microbes that cause the flu. Others say that they're just very tiny space-Mexicans heeding the call of their border-crossing nature.

* Rainforests once covered 14% of the earth's land surface, now they only cover 2%, thus greatly reducing the number of places from which velociraptors can lurk and pounce.

* 80% of all life on earth is found under the ocean surface. Of that total, 63% can be made tasty with lemon and butter.

* In the last 500 years, approximately 300,000 people have been killed by volcanoes, which is approximately 300,000 more than have been killed by global warming, if you don't count the people who have been bored to death listening to Al Gore preach on the topic.

* The earth is 93 million miles from the sun, and it takes the sun's energy over 8 minutes to arrive on our planet's surface. The sun is also home to the server which hosts the IMAO home page.

* Earth is home to over 10,000 religions, all but one of which are wrong.

* Due to the Earth's rotation, the planet is not completely spherical, but more of a pumpkin shape. Sorta like Ted Kennedy's head, except without the persistent odor of gin.

* If all the ice in Antarctica were to melt, it would cause sea level to rise by 200 feet. It's also currently the only plausible theoretical way to make hippies bathe.

* The total number of animal species currently known is 1.5 million. Although some environmentalists estimate that half of these could be threatened with extinction, history has shown only the ones that don't taste like beef or chicken need to worry.

* The earth has either one large moon or millions of tiny ones, depending on whether Frank finally got off his lazy ass this morning.

* The second hottest place on earth is Death Valley, which got up to 134 Fahrenheit on July 10, 1913. The hottest place on earth is anywhere a Marine points to while calling for air support.

* Lightning hits somewhere on earth 100 times every second, about the rate at which a typical Conservative shudders while contemplating voting for John McCain in November.

* Although most people are concerned about oxygen, the earth's atmosphere is actually about 80% nitrogen. This element is useful for providing nutrients to plant root systems and stopping futuristic cyborg attacks - temporarily.

* The largest ocean on earth is the Pacific, which was named after the pacifists who were killed and tossed into it by pirates and other non-pansies.

* Over 99.9% of the earth experienced a slight, but measurable, decrease it its average temperature over the last decade. The other .1% received Federal grant money.

What do YOU know about the earth?

Rating: 2.3/5 (27 votes cast)

Comments (39) | Fun Trivia
I Believe Her
Posted by Frank J. at 12:03 AM | Email This

When asked about Iran, Hillary says she will "obliterate them." I'm kinda starting to like Hillary... which actually makes it scary were she to make it to the general election. Luckily for McCain, it's becoming a bit late for buyer remorse on Obama.

Rating: 2.7/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (22)
April 21, 2008
A Story, Bit by Bit
Hellbender: Chapter 20 - Solo
Posted by Frank J. at 05:08 PM | Email This


"They are moving the cube now," Lulu's said through Doug's earpiece. "They are walking it to the train station. We're heading there now but you're the only two guaranteed to be there in time."

"Crap," Bryce uttered as he rushed out the Chinese restaurant.

Doug was holding their bag of food they just paid for. "What about the food?"

"Forget the food!" Charlene screamed.

Doug dropped the bag and ran out the door after Bryce. "Should we try and slow them down?" Bryce asked.

"Negative," Lara responded. "We don't want to spook them and get a shootout in public. We need to tail them to somewhere more private. Let's just find out what train they are taking and get on it."

Doug had caught up to Bryce who had slowed to a more inconspicuous pace as they neared the train station. "Tailing them could be a problem," Bryce said. "Handler could recognize me."

"Have the idiot do it," Lara stated. "You can get on the train when we find which one it is."

"The bug on Handler is getting... well, buggy all of a sudden," Lulu said. "We can't rely on it getting the info for us. All we need is Doug to make sure we know whether it's the Northbound or the Southbound... and he better not screw it up or we'll strangle him."

Doug and Bryce reached the train station. "How many are we looking for?" Bryce asked.

"It sounds like they are in a group... five or six maybe," Lulu said. "They should be there soon."

Doug and Bryce looked around. "Over there." Doug tapped Bryce on the shoulder and pointed to a group of five women, Handler at the back carrying a metal case.

"I'm getting out of sight," Bryce whispered. "Buy tickets, and follow them onto the train."

It seemed simple enough to Doug. His first problem, though, was when he used a console to buy tickets and it asked for which train and "both" wasn't an option. He went through the process twice to buy tickets for each and entered the boarding area. Doug got as close as he could to both platforms without committing to either. He then waited for Handler and her group and thought he should look like he was reading something to be inconspicuous. He pulled out the Chinese menu he had in his pocket and looked through it. At this point, Doug was too nervous for anything to look appetizing.

Handler and her group came in. Doug glanced up at them once and then watched them in his periphery as he stared at the menu. They went for the Northbound train. Doug waited a few moments after they passed by him. "Northbound," he whispered into the receiver at his collar.

Doug walked onto the platform and saw the car they entered. He entered one car behind it. "Did you hear me? They're on the Northbound train and so am I."

There was no response.


Again, no response.


A few people in the car were no staring at Doug. Still, there was no response.

"Oh, come on!" he cried and pulled out his phone. No signal. "Crap!" Doug turned to a man near him reading the news. "Could you check if your phone is getting a signal?"

The man pretended not to hear him.


* * * *

"Doug? Doug? Doug!!!" Bryce looked up to see Charlene, Lulu, and Lara running towards him. "What the hell happened to him?"

"Maybe there is interference in there," Lulu suggested.

"You didn't see which train they got on?" Charlene asked.

"No. I couldn't see from here. I actually thought this was something Doug would not screw up." Bryce nervously ran his hand through his hair as he looked at the clock. "They both leave in about a minute. I guess we can run up and check--"

"No time." Lara bought tickets off a console. "We'll just split up."

They all grabbed the tickets and ran to the boarding area. "Stupid gratuitously flying trains," Lulu growled.

* * * *

The train began to move, and Doug felt nauseous. He decided to sit down a moment and collect himself. It was now all up to him, but the money concerned him less that the thought of screwing everything up for his friends.

The train had moved vertically until it was completely above the city. Doug took a glance out the window at the streets below. There was no turning back.

You just have to grab a metal briefcase from five women and get away, Doug told himself. No big deal. You can do this. He started to worry that others might be meeting them at the next stop. He thought about just grabbing the case as soon as they got off and boarding whatever train was leaving the soonest, but they'd probably be able to follow him on if he didn't time it just right. Still, it was the best idea he had.

He looked towards the entrance to the next car over where Handler and her group were. Doug thought about going over there to try and keep an eye on them, but there was nothing he could do now. He decided it was best to just sit where he was and try to relax while seeing if he could get in contact with the rest of Hellbender.

Handler and the four other women walked into his car. Doug tried not to look at them, but he glanced up once to see Handler was staring right at him. He went back to looking at his shoes, but Handler walked over to him and stood over him while Doug pretended not to notice.

She held a small device in her hand. Suddenly there was a high-pitched squeal in Doug's radio that caused him to jump to his feet while yanking out the earbud. Doug stared at Handler who smiled back him. "Hello, Doug."

"Um... who's Doug," he said in a quivering voice.

Handler laid her case down on a nearby seat and opened it. She pulled out the cube and tossed it to Doug. He caught it and immediately felt the sense of dread the device exuded. "We know you know something about the cube," Handler said, "and we want your help with it."

Doug looked around. Most everyone else in the car was pretending not to notice anything was going on. Jerks. He then looked at Handler's friends who were all smiling like this was all some big joke. "I really don't know anything... like at all."

Handler laughed. "You don't give yourself enough credit. Now why don't you sit down and relax while we kill everyone on this train."

Now people were paying attention. Doug thought maybe he misheard something. "Huh?"

There was a loud crash and the train jerked as if something struck it. Doug was knocked to floor by the force. He then heard gunfire and screaming in other parts of the train as the four women with Handler pulled out short swords and guns. He looked up at Handler in horror. "What the--"

"Haven't you heard? We're psychotic," she laughed. "This is just something we do."


Rating: 2.6/5 (25 votes cast)

Comments (4) | Hellbender Take Two
Posted by Frank J. at 12:59 PM | Email This

If the economy is so bad, where are all these idiots getting money to give to Obama? You'd think America would have to be practically overflowing with spare cash for this to happen.

Rating: 1.8/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (20)
Give Me an "Old" Politician Any Day of the Week
Posted by Frank J. at 12:12 PM | Email This

Here's Obama misrepresenting a McCain quote about as dishonestly as possible. With this and the repeated misrepresentation of McCain one hundred years comment, Obama is either very dishonest or very stupid. I lean towards the former, but you can make an argument for the latter.

So what's all this crap about him being a "new" politician? He has all the stuff we hate about politicians plus no useful experience or accomplishments and social ties that show extremely poor moral judgment -- at best. But he's black so it's all brand new and exciting! It's like you hate M&Ms, but you find out they now have added green ones so now you're all excited to buy a bag. Oh, but when you bite in, you find they've replaced the chocolate with rat droppings.

Democrats are stupid.

Rating: 2.2/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (11)
Democrats Celebrate Extended Primary Season: "Let Every Vote Count!"
Posted by Harvey at 11:31 AM | Email This

HARRISBURG, PA (AP) - Ahead of the Pennsylvania primaries, Democrat Party leaders report that they are thrilled at the possibility of every single state's primary actually mattering in 2008. The second half of the primary season has been irrelevant since 1952, resulting in millions of essentially disenfranchised voters.

"Let's take this one to the Convention, baby! EEYEEEEAAAAAH!"

DNC Chairman Howard Dean shared his excitement as it seems more and more likely that every vote will count this year. "The Democrat Party has always been about making sure that every vote counts," said Dean. "Women, Minorities, Homeless, Mexicans, dead people - everyone should have a voice in choosing a Democrat to lead this nation."

Former Vice President Al Gore was similarly enthused. "Ever since the 2000 vote in Florida," said Gore, "the Democrat Party has been adamant that every vote should count. Sometimes two or three times. However, since candidates are normally chosen by February, the people of Pennsylvania and many other states with late primaries have essentially been disenfranchised for decades. I'm delighted that their votes will actually matter this year."

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi sees this year's extended primary as being "what Democracy is all about". "We have the male, female, black, and white perspectives all chattering away in a vigorous national dialogue," said Pelosi. "The only way this could be better is if we had a homosexual voice in the mix. Sadly, Barney Frank won't run and John Edwards dropped out."

"I almost feel sorry for the Republicans," Pelosi added sadly. "With McCain being chosen so early, the Republicans in most states have no voice in choosing who will represent them in Washington. They might as well be living in Cuba, or Soviet Russia, or Massachusetts. Frankly, I see no difference between McCain and Kim Jong Il, since both will get 100% of the vote from their party."

Rating: 2.5/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (6) | Election 2008
Pizza Hut Delivery Man Update
Posted by Frank J. at 10:08 AM | Email This

James William Spiers III, after defending himself from a robbery with a legally carried firearm, was suspended by Pizza Hut. They have now decided to fire him as Pizza Hut's policy is that is that unarmed pizza deliverymen "is the safest for everybody"... and by "everybody", they mean "profit". It's perfectly valid for a company to hold profit over the rights and safety of their employees. It might not be the best strategy in the longterm, but I hope that works out for them.

Rating: 2.1/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (20)
Random Thoughts
Posted by Frank J. at 09:00 AM | Email This

I like to check the obituaries to see if anyone was killed by nunchucks.

A fun thing to do with cats is yell, "You're a paint can!" and then shake them vigorously like you're a paint mixer.

The first videogame with controversy over excessive violence was the game Asteroids since in the original version, instead of shooting asteroids, you shot babies.

I laugh every time I see a rat because they remind me of Italians.

Ever wonder where all those cars are going in Frogger? And how do they handle an offramp with each lane going a different direction? They should do a game about that.

I think the funniest show that was ever on TV was 21 Jump Street.

If you found that the wardrobe you bought was a portal to the magical world of Narnia, would you keep it or return it to Rooms To Go? Before you answer, remember that you do need someplace to keep your sports jackets where a Satyr can't steal them.

It's kinda weird that pretty much all the marsupials are on the faraway island of Australia. It's like they have some secret they're hiding. I bet they killed the dinosaurs.

Sometime I wonder if the reason people are crazy liberals is because their parents beat them when they were children. Then I think I might be confusing cause and effect, because if I found out that my kids were liberals, I'd beat them too.

We call the Middle East the Middle East because its the middle of what's east of us. What do they call it? Middle Here?

I think it would be really cool if they made a stealth train... except for all the fatalities every time it passes through town.

Rating: 2.5/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (20)
April 19, 2008
Mortal Kombat vs DC
Posted by Frank J. at 08:18 PM | Email This

So, is this a good idea?

Now, I guess Batman can fit into a fighting game, but what other DC characters would work? In Mortal Kombat, you kill each other, and the only reason many of the DC superheroes have any challenge at all is they try to avoid killing people. Otherwise for the game you'll just have Superman standing there while Liu Kang whales away on him until he gets bored and then flicks him into the sun. Then Superman will use his super hearing to track down the "Finish him!" guy and kill him to see how he likes it.

Then again, there will even be an imbalance with just Batman if he's portrayed accurately. Sub-Zero will freeze Batman, but by the time he reaches Batman, he'll catch a boomerang in the head because Batman will have thawed himself out using an anti-magical ice formula he has on his utility belt that he put there just in case one day he got sucked into the Mortal Kombat universe and had to fight Sub-Zero. Batman is crazy prepared like that. If Johnny Cage does the splits and tries to punch Batman in the crotch, that will not turn out well... for Johnny Cage. You do not pull that @#$% on Batman. He'll see it coming and you'll catch a boomerang to the head. There's pretty much nothing you can do to Batman he isn't prepared for and ready to counteract so he can throw a boomerang at your head. Once the Justice League tried to pull a surprise party for him, but he swung in through the window and threw boomerangs at all their heads.

Of course, the main question I have is will Aquaman be in it. If that's true, I will go out and buy and Xbox 360 right now. That will be so awesome. I hope he has a fatality where he hits you with a whale.

Rating: 2.6/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (22)
Help for Obama
Posted by Harvey at 10:37 AM | Email This

My Magic Negro Barack really screwed up in the recent debate on ABC (NYT login & password available from BugMeNot).

Since the MSM has no imagination, he'll be getting these same questions over and over again, and I'd like to see him better prepared next time. As a courtesy to the only hope for the future of America, I offer this cheat sheet of:

condensed versions of the questions (links provided so you can check my accuracy),

[his ACTUAL boiled down answer], and

the correct answer.

1) Why won't you promise to take Mrs. Clinton as your running mate if you win the nomination?

[Because I haven't won the nomination yet - DUH!]

Two words: Mondale-Ferraro.

2) Do you understand that you offended people with your "bitter & clingy" remark?

[Did I say bitter & clingy? I meant angry and frustrated & clingy]

No one was offended except racist, Christian gun-owners, or - as I like to call them - Republicans.

3) A simple yes or no question: Do you think Senator Clinton can beat McCain?

[In 474 words - "Yes".]

Only if she ties him to a chair and uses a tire iron.

4) Why did it take so long for you to distance yourself from the offensive remarks of Reverend Jeremiah Wright?

[I was too busy being a uniter across racial divides.]

Because hanging with that righteous brother gave me more black street cred than starring in a Fifty Cent video.

5) What will you do when videos of Wright are played over and over during the rest of the campaign season?

[Start talking about health care.]

Lock in 100% of the black vote.

6) Given her statements about Bosnian sniper fire, do you believe Senator Clinton has been fully truthful about her past?

[She made a mistake. Income inequality is the highest it's been since the 1920's. Also, I stand for change.]

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!WHOOOOOO!HAHAHAHAHA!...(continue laughing for at least five minutes)...hahaha *snort* *chuckle* (wipe streaming tears)... yes... yes I do.

7) Why won't you wear an American Flag lapel pin?

[I wore one just the other day during a photo op. Don't question my patriotism.]

I respect the flag, but I also respect my $1500 Armani suit too much to poke a hole in the lapel.

8) During your state senate campaign, you held an organizational meeting at the home of a domestic terrorist who bombed the Pentagon in the 70's. Can you explain why your relationship with this man won't be a problem during your campaign for President?

[Being friends with bad people doesn't make you a bad person. Besides, I'm friends with LOTS of evil people. Republicans, for example.]

Hell-ooooo! I'm a DEMOCRAT! Hanging out with violent hippie terrorists is a resume enhancer in this party.

9) Are you going to withdraw troops from Iraq even if it would undo all the gains we've made in that country?


Yes, because that way I'll lock in 100% of the crazy Muslim terrorist vote, too.

10) Should it be US policy to treat an Iranian attack on Israel as an attack on the US?

[Iran won't attack because I'll ask them really nicely not to.]

No, because Israel is much better at killing Muslims than we are. We'd just be in the way.

11) Will you read-my-lips pledge not to increase taxes of any kind for anyone earning under $200,000 a year?

[Yes... no... sort of... except for capital gains taxes and maybe some other stuff.]

I won't increase taxes. I'll just close loopholes and repeal Bush's cuts. Totally different animal.

12) Is the D.C. handgun ban consistent with the 2nd Amendment?

[Yes, because ALL Constitutional rights are subject to government regulation.]

Yes, because it doesn't prohibit the use of flintlocks by militias.

13) How specifically would you recommend changing affirmative action policies so that affluent African Americans are not given advantages, and poor, less affluent whites are?

[Colleges should have a goal of a specific number of each type of person, just without quotas.]

By raising taxes on black people making over $200,000 a year.

14) What are you going to do about gas prices?

[Threaten oil companies with investigations and taxes.]

Send them soaring through the roof with a combination of obliviously short-sighted foreign policy in the Middle East and monumentally blinkered economic policy at home. And that bracelet is to remind me to ask myself "What Would Jimmah Do?"

15) How would you use George W. Bush if you were president?

[Ask him for his dad's phone number.]

Like Hitler used the Jews. Wait... sorry, I mangled that one... I just meant as a scapegoat to advance my political career.

16) Why are you the better candidate and more electable in November?

[70-year-old women like me a lot.]

Hoping and changing and black, oh my!

Rating: 2.3/5 (28 votes cast)

Comments (11) | Election 2008
April 18, 2008
The Ronulan Colony
Posted by Frank J. at 06:17 PM | Email This

Home come when someone says a gated community of Ron Paul supporters, the thing that pops into mind is Arkham Asylum?

Rating: 2.7/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (20) | Ron Paul, Ron Paul, Ron Paul
She Should Write Politics More
Posted by Frank J. at 04:22 PM | Email This

Since I'm lazy today, I'll just refer you to what the lovely and talented SarahK wrote about Obama, religion, and guns. She doesn't write political posts much, which is too bad since the few times she did them for IMAO they were quite popular. I remember one got a comment from an unobservant reader, "That's the Frank J. I remember from before he got married."

Rating: 2.5/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (16)
That Man Is Old
Posted by Frank J. at 01:39 PM | Email This

Jim Geraghty is trying to start the new joke sensation.

I might as well try:

John McCain is so old that when he was born there was no such thing as hippies.

John McCain is so old that when he was born most Democrats actually liked America.

John McCain is so old that when he was born there was no United Nations and we didn't even have to pretend to care what other nations thought.

Rating: 1.9/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (46)
Barack Obama's Accomplishments
Posted by Frank J. at 10:52 AM | Email This

With all the negatives about Barack Obama's judgment and personality, you'd think he'd have some great accomplishments to back up his presidential run. Here's so far the most comprehensive list of them I've seen:


* When he gets his head stuck in a bucket, he can usually get it unstuck fairly quickly.

* He can name all the alter egos of the Flash for all his incarnations.

* Unlike some snobs, he does his own grocery shopping and can accurately quote the current price of organic arugula.

* In college, he held the high score on Centipede.

* He was once in the presence of a gun for five whole minutes without screaming like a little girl.

* He can always tell a Shiite from a Sunni, a skill he uses quite frequently at family reunions. [Ooh! I can't believe you just went there! -Ed.]

* He once saw a blimp.

* He knows all the lyrics to "Uptown Girl."

* He's barely ever been outsmarted by a squirrel.

* He can pat his belly and pat his head at the same time.

* Despite the similarities, he's never confused his own name for Osama's.

Rating: 2.1/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (26)
Bear Attack
Posted by Frank J. at 10:23 AM | Email This

Found this on a Cracked post which I found through Conservative Grapevine. These are all scenes from the Nicolas Cage movie Wicker Man:

Cracked puts forth the challenge that you try and write the rest of the movie so these scenes make sense in context. I think I'd start with making it a movie about a cult that worships Winnie the Poo.

Rating: 2.7/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (3)
April 17, 2008
A Story, Bit by Bit
Hellbender: Chapter 19 - Surprise
Posted by Frank J. at 05:07 PM | Email This


Doug did not see the Devil the next couple nights either. He actually had a number of questions now, not least of which was whether they could trust Lara. Still, he figured the Devil probably wouldn't have given him a straight answer anyway.

After their confrontation, he mainly avoided Lara and she him. He got a bit worried the couple times their schedules put her and Charlene alone together, but he knew Charlene could take care of her self. Doug did get a brief amount of time alone with Charlene when they went to get a couple more arms from a weapons dealer. Charlene got Doug a machine pistol capable of three-round burst (though Charlene told him not use that function). He still kept his sword with him though, having found a long, thin pack he could strap to his back that at least kept the sword somewhat inconspicuous. He knew it was useless compared to the gun, but it still made him feel safer to have it since it was a familiar weapon.

The bug on Handler's glasses kept working, which made it seem less necessary to keep a stakeout by the research building. They had a decent amount of time to plan for snatching the cube on Thursday, though they hadn't picked up the exact details how it was going to be moved and where. Still, both Lara and Charlene planned for a number of different scenarios, pretty much all of them involving a certain amount of violence.

"You ever wonder if killing these people to get the cube is wrong?" Doug asked Bryce as walked through the city. It was Wednesday afternoon, and it was their job to pick up lunch for everyone. Doug was out voted on nachos, so they were picking up some Chinese.

"Not really," Bryce answered. "I guess you can make an argument that killing them without any direct provocation is somewhat wrong... but I'd say that would be thousands of dollars wrong, not millions of dollars wrong. You have to remember the stakes here and weigh it against that."

"And everyone involved with Elza is like really evil, right?"

Bryce shrugged. "Seems that way... plus I don't think there is anyone left in this world who doesn't deserve a bullet in the head for something. Can we talk about something more pleasant? Morality isn't really my thing; it's almost a superstition."

It was about the time for the lunch rush, and the streets were pretty crowded. "Um... I do have something to ask you about. Any advice on how... maybe... um... me and Charlene..."

Bryce sighed. "Why do you even keep trying with her? She's the most horribly unpleasant person in the world. Plus... I'm pretty sure she's got the hots for Lara."

Doug glared at Bryce. "No she doesn't."

"You can't tell me you've never suspected she's a lesbian."

"You have no proof of that!"

"You have no proof she's a heterosexual." Bryce chuckled. "I guess it's hard to tell a dateless lesbian from a dateless hetero."

"You're just upset because she's never given in to any of your advances."

Bryce scoffed. "I've never even tried with her... at least not in any serious way. Anyway, Doug, if you really want to try and get somewhere with her, you need to surprise her. You are a horribly predictable person, to the point that when you're trying to be surprising its usually in a predictable way."

Doug thought for a moment. "I think I have an idea..."

"It's flowers, isn't it?" Bryce asked.

Doug nodded.

"See? Predictable. If you want to get anywhere, Doug, you need to be a whole new person."

* * * *

Lulu was beginning to severely hate Handler. Lulu had inadvertently positioned herself as the "electronics person," and thus it was always her job to monitor their equipment. So basically her whole day involved Handler droning on in the background. When Handler was talking about research, it wasn't so bad, but Handler had an extremely boring personal life and seemed to like telling all her co-workers about it. Lulu was starting to get a fantasy of gunning down Handler while screaming, "No one cares about your cat!"

Luckily, Handler was currently quietly researching which gave Lulu a chance to read while Lara and Charlene were in the next room over plotting their move tomorrow. It was a trashy romance novel that she had pilfered from Lara. It wasn't quite her cup of tea, but she though she'd give it a try.

"Julia, what are you doing here?"

Lulu dropped the book and shot to attention.

"We have to move it right now."

"Guys!" Lulu yelled as she pounded on the wall.

"What's happened?" Handler asked.

Lara and Charlene both barged into the room, each equipped for action. "What is it?" Charlene asked.

"Shhh!" Lulu answered.

"Our group in Sholt were killed," Julia said.

"All of them?"

"It's hard to say. They were ripped completely apart. Reportedly it's just one big mess."

"Loch?" Handler's voice was noticeably scared.

"It would seem to be. We can't tell if anyone talked first, but he might be heading this direction now. We need to get out of here."


"I don't even know yet," Julia said. "A group is waiting outside to escort you to the train station. Just grab the cube and let's go."

There was the sound of some fumbling. "Okay. Let's go."

"Dammit!" Lara was already heading out the door. "Hopefully we can get to the train station before them."

Lulu grabbed her gun and followed Charlene. "Otherwise it's up to Bryce... and Doug."


Rating: 2.5/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Hellbender Take Two
Executive Experience
Posted by Frank J. at 02:48 PM | Email This

It bodes pretty well for John McCain that a group of Democrats were able to give better explanations for reasons to vote for McCain than either of the two Democratic candidates. It's kinda odd, really. Neither Hillary nor Obama have ever accomplished anything, and their arguments to be president are that they will know exactly how to do everything right though having no examples in their past to back that up. Shouldn't they have to do something other than vote on some bills before asking to be president? I mean, if one of them was successful store manager of a McDonald's, then they'd at least have something to point to show he or she can run a country.

So, any McDonald's out there willing to give either Hillary or Obama a chance?

Rating: 2.5/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (17)
Keith Olbermann on the Democratic Debate
Posted by Frank J. at 01:44 PM | Email This

Keith Olbermann is quite outraged by the debate last night and the hard questions asked Obama. Here's him explaining exactly what was wrong with it:

Rating: 2.7/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (14)
Not All of Obama's Friends Are Lawyers
Posted by Frank J. at 12:42 PM | Email This

Hamas, the terrorist organization and sometimes contributor to Obama's church's bulletin (not making that up, dude), has endorsed Barack Obama. I'm guessing hearing that Obama associates with unrepentant terrorists made that an easy decision.

Obama really needs to merge his radical side with his elitist liberal side. He should form a New New Black Panthers that fights for black superiority by holding wine-tasting events and independent film fesitvals.

No decently priced arugula, no peace!

Rating: 2.4/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (19)
Hillary's First 100 Days
Posted by Harvey at 11:58 AM | Email This

Mrs. C., in an ever-so-premature fit of presumptuousness, saw fit to splutter out a few of the activities that would occupy her first 100 days as President.

A list basically consisting of undoing the too-tiny list of things that President Bush actually did right - like cutting taxes and killing terrorists - recited in that venomous, Emergency Broadcast System test-howl voice of hers.

Since you actually have to get ELECTED to have a "first 100 days", I think her crystal ball has a few cracks in it

As for me, I look into MY crystal ball and see... well, nothing, actually, since I'm not some filthy scamming gypsy fortune teller like the one who told me to take out a second mortgage and bet it all on the Patriots.

All mysticism aside, here are my predictions regarding what Hillary would do during her first 100 days as President (heaven forbid):

"Hillary's first 100 days: all spent laughing at the gullible rubes who elected her."

* Replace all the H-less White House computer keyboards.

* Hostess that damn Pampered Chef party that Pelosi guilted her into.

* Go out hunting, just like her grandfather showed her.

* Shoot her eye out, just like her grandmother warned her.

* Bake some cookies for her first press conference. Chocolate chip for Reuters, bitter almond for Fox News.

* Head off future First Husband scandals by making sure all White House phones have a 24-hour dry cleaner on speed dial.

* Bring the troops home so as to ensure that America will have another date on the calender that need only be referred to by month and day.

* Outlaw torture with the exception of those superdelegates who chose... unwisely... at the Democratic convention.

* Be the victim of a tragic - yet not career-ending - light saber accident on the lava planet Mustafar.

* See if OJ would be willing to take time off from his hunt for the real killers to help her hunt for the Bosnian snipers.

* Same thing she does every day, Pinky...

Any predictions from the audience? Anybody?

Ah, yes... you over there, way in the back...

Rating: 2.4/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (24) | Election 2008
Posted by Frank J. at 11:18 AM | Email This

For daring to ask about William Ayers, do you think the nutroots might bomb the ABC headquarters?

Stuff White People Like might have to add an entry about inept bomb-making.

Rating: 2.3/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (3)
How Dare You Question the Chosen One!
Posted by Frank J. at 10:50 AM | Email This

I must have missed a fun debate last night, because the Daily Kos is in total freak out mode. They are now ready to direct all their impotent rage at ABC, and have declare Hillary a Republican.

Then there's TalkLeft. Apparently its all Hillary supporters, and they are just happy Obama finally got asked some tough questions. It even declares Keith Olbermann "the most shameless ridiculous hack on TV" while people in the comments make fun of the Kos meltdown... just like normal people! Who would ever imagine that support of Hillary would be a sign of sanity? We are through the looking glass, people.

You know, the left has always been a much smaller group than conservatives, so they can't really weather a fracture as well. It's going to be some interesting times come the Democrat convention.

Rating: 1.8/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (18)
April 16, 2008
I Literally Laughed Out Loud
Posted by Frank J. at 11:03 PM | Email This

I missed the debate (Bible Study -- that thing is complicated), and just sat down to check the reactions. I decided to check the Daily Kos to see how they were sizing it up and then I saw the title of the currently most recommended diary:

Tomorrow We Take On ABC, and Disney

I'm guessing they asked some tough questions.

Rating: 1.8/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (28)
Not at All Elitist
Posted by Frank J. at 03:31 PM | Email This

Apparently Michelle Obama said this:

"Barack’s a lawyer, I’m a lawyer, everybody we know are lawyers. I’m sure half the people in this audience are lawyers ...”

I heard that a bus full of Obama's friends drove off a cliff. I have some horrible news, though...


Rating: 1.7/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (29)
Girly Mags
Posted by Frank J. at 03:18 PM | Email This

The Village Voice has a feature on right-wing bloggers. They rate them on a stupid-to-evil ration -- which I assume is tongue in cheek but its hard to tell with liberals these days.

Anyway, this got me thinking: Why do liberals publications have such gay names? Village Voice, Mother Jones... why not just name a magazine "The Pink Frilly Paper for Sissies"? Of course, I've never understood how men can be liberal. It's an okay philosophy for five-year-old girls, but how can any self-respecting man center his beliefs around so much whining and touchy-feeliness? Some people are castrated through accidents, but I don't know what everyone else's excuse is.

Rating: 2.5/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (22)
Fear the Spawn of Doocy!
Posted by Frank J. at 01:12 PM | Email This

Steve Doocy of FOX & Friends must be proud; his son has become an object of hate for the left-wing blogosphere. He asked a silly and fairly innocuous question about Hillary drinking to John McCain, but the nutroots are freaking out on him. I didn't even think they liked Hillary anymore, but since Peter Doocy has some connection to FOX News, they can't laugh at the comment and instead feel obliged to have their two minutes of hate. It's kinda scary. Are these people actually integrated into our society, or can you spot them from their constant nervous twitching and mumblings about neocons?

Rating: 2.3/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (11)
100% of President Bushs Consider Professional Historians "Failures"
Posted by Harvey at 12:18 PM | Email This

WASHINGTON (AP) - After an informal survey of 109 professional historians showed 98% of them rating President Bush's administration as a "failure", President Bush announced that a recent poll of all current Presidents of the United States showed a surprisingly similar rating for professional historians - 100% "failures".

"You SUCK, histo-dorks!"

Historians were quick to criticize the methodology of the poll, pointing out that in order for a survey's results to have any meaning at all, the subjects must be chosen randomly.

President Bush defended the scientific rigor of his survey techniques. "I made a list of all sitting Presidents, then flipped a coin to determine which ones to ask the poll question. Every time it came up heads, the President George W. Bush that I asked had the same opinion of professional historians - 'failures'".

Some of the reasons given for the low ratings:

* Always reeking of pipe smoke and shattered dreams.

* Never holding a job that didn't involve copious quantities of kissing the Dean's ass.

* Leather elbow patches are totally gay.

* Unbroken string of inflatable girlfriends.

Despite the low scores, however, the survey results did include one positive comment about professional historians:

"At least they give Philosophy majors someone to feel superior to."

Rating: 3.0/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (18) | Newsish Fakery
Planet of the Apes Is Not Going to Start in Gibraltar
Posted by Frank J. at 11:08 AM | Email This

Gibraltar is finally going to kill its monkeys. One of the great things about the United States of America as that we killed all our monkeys long ago. That's why you won't find any of them running wild in the U.S. It's probably the main reason for America's success, because you can't succeed at anything if you have to constantly worry about being bitten by monkeys.

To show your thanks, consider a vacation to Gibraltar. When you go, tell them how you heard how they killed the monkeys and you are proud of them.

Rating: 2.1/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (13)
They Are Not as Scared of You as You Are of Them
Posted by Frank J. at 10:32 AM | Email This

So let me get this straight: You can't own a handgun in Chicago, and now you don't only have to deal with violent criminals, but freaking cougars!

Makes sense. If wild animals know you can't do anything to them, why do they need to be scared of you? Now Chicago residents are going to have to worry about gangbangers and packs of wolves when they walk to the store -- but at least they don't have to worry about accidentally shooting themselves with their own gun.

Rating: 2.6/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (35)
April 15, 2008
A Story, Bit by Bit
Hellbender: Chapter 18 - Threat
Posted by Frank J. at 05:06 PM | Email This


"Morning, Doug." Doug opened his eyes to see Bryce was already dressed.

The second bed in the room had been used. "Lara kick you out last night?"

"She likes her space or something."

Doug sat up in bed. "You trust her?"

Bryce checked the chamber of his pistol and put it in his shoulder holster. "Doug, I don't even trust you, and I'm quite certain you're not even capable of any significant deception. I made sure she set things up with Darius that no matter what, half the money goes into the account I set up when the job is done. If she kills us all when we have the cube, she won't get a penny more."

"Something isn't right, though; I just know it."

"Unless you have a less vague concern, things go as planned." He seemed hesitant for a moment. "Anyway, did you see the Devil again?"

"You think there is something to that?"

Bryce shrugged. "The world is crazy; anything is possible."

Doug thought for a moment. Usually it was hard to remember what he had dreamt about after he woke up. "Actually, I think I dreamt about the three women who attacked me in the bathroom."

Bryce smiled. "Fun dream?"

"No. It was exactly the same with them beating me up, but instead of them just running away in the end, one of them pulled out a knife and stabbed me in the throat."

"Well... that doesn't help us." Bryce put on a light jacket, concealing his holster. "If you see the Devil again, tell me everything he says." Bryce headed for the door. "Anyway, shower and get ready, buddy; today is our day to get rich."

* * * *

They didn't want to go into this situation blind, but speed was important knowing that forces way out of their league were looking for the cube as well. Charlene was able to get out early enough to spy Handler heading into the research lab. The others then quickly got together some resources which included renting a van while Lulu hunted down surveillance equipment. That wasn't something sold just anywhere, but she knew where to look to find what they needed -- though it wasn't cheap. Lara was also splitting costs with them on equipment, but it still was becoming quite apparent that if Hellbender didn't succeed, they weren't going to have much left to fall back on.

Luckily, Handler went out for lunch, and then it was Bryce's turn. He followed her into a nearby deli while Lara and Charlene waited across the seat in a coffee shop and Doug helped (more watched) Lulu set up the receiving equipment back at the hotel. The bug they gave to Bryce was only about the size of a pinhead, and it seemed a simple task to get it on the target which is why they were a little worried when a half-hour past and they hadn't heard from him. Doug and Lulu finally got word that Bryce finally emerged from the deli and gave a thumbs up.

Lulu turned on the receiver and recording equipment. She and Doug could hear voices. "Well, it's working I guess," Lulu said. She then got a call from Bryce and answered it. "What took you so long? Were you trying to get it on her panties?"

"I can't rush myself, or I'll come off as phony. Also, I wanted to make sure to put it somewhere she'll have it for a while. I got it on her glasses. She has very pretty eyes, actually. Also, I have her phone number if that helps us."

"Did she seem evil and plotting?" Lulu asked.

"Not really. She's actually a very interesting woman to talk to if you care about extra spatial dimensions."

"Well, if this lead is a dead end, we're going to trick Lara into an alleyway and beat her up."

"Let's not plot against each other just yet," Bryce said. "That's not conductive to teamwork."

As it came to the end of the day, Bryce and Charlene waited outside the research center in the van in case something came up where they need to act quickly while Doug, Lulu, and Lara waited back at the hotel listening in. Doug wanted to be on the stakeout with Charlene, but she nixed that.

They had been listening all day, but so far nothing Handler said Doug could identify as of interest other than when she told a co-worker about the cute guy she met at lunch. "What's a vector? She talks a lot about vectors." Doug was busy cleaning the blade of his katana with oil as described in the katana care manual.

Lulu was seated near the receiver, trying to stay awake. "It's a mathematical term, Doug; you don't care about it."

"What kind of sword is that?" Lara asked, seated on the bed.

"A Musashi XL." The blade didn't seem to have picked up any debris from when it cut Colette and still looked to be in perfect condition.

Lara chuckled. "Isn't that a Wal-Mart brand?"

"A Wal-Mart exclusive, and it cuts great." Doug had owned one for a while, though presumably his previous one was destroyed along with Shride.

"And you plan to make use of it?"

"When we fought Colette, bullets hardly slowed her, but this stopped her." He carefully wiped down the blade one last time with a cloth, removing the excess oil.

"Not going to be of use here, though," Lara said. "Reportedly, Elza has never ascended any of her followers."

Doug sheathed his sword. "Hmm... wonder why that is." Since Elza was such a thorn in the sides of the other Trans, that did make her of particular interest to Doug.

"So how are you guys planning on spending your money?" Lulu asked. "First thing, new shoes... and I think a purse. And then a big tropical vacation."

"Can I come?" Doug said.

"Sure, if you don't get in the way."

"Well, I was thinking of getting a big entertainment systems for playing videogames," he stated, "but I guess I need a place to put it. I hope we know where we're going after this."

"I'm going to get a nice apartment in the city -- I haven't figured out which city yet -- you can go where you want, Doug." Lulu looked at Lara. "What about you? 2.5 million is a lot for one girl to spend... and I assume its tax free."

Lara looked slightly startled by the question. "Um... I'd invest it. I'm not going to waste it all on frivolities."

Lulu rolled her eyes. "Yes, but you'll splurge at least a little. Are you saying you haven't thought about anything you plan to buy? A few new outfits at least?"

Lara appeared cross. "We're not friends, Ms. Lui; how about my plans are just none of your business."

"Maybe you could put the money towards a debitchification," Lulu muttered as she stood up. "I'm going to grab some sodas. Want anything?"

"I'm fine," Lara said.

"Wasn't asking you." Lulu looked to Doug.

"I'll have a Mountain Dew."

She left the room, and Doug looked to Lara who stared back at him. He stood up and held his sheathed sword at his side. "I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but I keep getting this feeling you're up to something... and if you harm any of my friends..." He took a deep breath. "I'll kill you."

Lara chuckled. "That wasn't very convincing."

"Well... it's still true."

Lara stood up and her smile faded. Though Doug was certainly bigger, Lara was actually quite a bit physically intimidating for a woman. "I know, but what if this is all about harming you? Then what will you do?"


A powerful right hook struck Doug in his cheek and he fell over. The blow opened up a bruise he already had, and blood flowed down the side of his face. Lara stood over him with a disgusted expression.

Doug pressed against the wound to stop the bleeding. "What are you doing?"

"So I guess I can hurt you all I want and you won't do anything other than stare up at me like a kicked puppy. Even you recognize how worthless you are and that you're hardly worth defending." Lara bent over him. "I know you'd come after me if something happened to your friends, because they're all you have and, with them gone, you'd have nothing left but an impotent attempt at revenge. I'm one of the Last Children like you, Doug, and have been treated like worthless crap all my life because of whatever wrong it was that had them slaughter our parents. For most of us, it's an unfair treatment, but then there's you. They can look at you and feel justified. I saw the file Asmod's government had on you, and then I met you. Someone like you has no right threatening me; you are too worthless to even talk to me. And if you cross me, I know exactly what I'll do to you. I'll tie you up and make you watch as I break Charlene's arms and legs and take a knife and--"

Doug rose quickly at her with an uppercut. She got her arms in front of it, but the force still knocked her over into a chair. She laughed. "Now I believe you'll kill me."

"Um... am I interrupting something?" Lulu was standing at the door holding the drinks.

Lara got off the floor and sat back on the bed. "I was just trying to figure out how to explain something to your stupid friend."

"We use puppets." Lulu kept a suspicious eye on Lara as she walked over to Doug. "They didn't have Mountain Dew. I got you a bottle of water."

"Aww... I hate water."

"Don't complain; it's free water."

Doug grudgingly took it. "So's a rainy day."

"Guys, it looks like about everyone has left by now," Charlene said over the radio. "We haven't seen Handler, though; is she still in there?"

Lulu turned up the receiver and could hear the same ambient noises from Handler's lab. "Yeah, she's still there."

"Doris, are we free to talk about it?" a female voice said.

"Wait, we have something," Lulu said. Lara and Doug came close.

"I've only been able to study it a little so far without raising suspicion, but it's a fascinating object," Handler said. "Despite it's small size in the first three dimensions, it is in fact quite immense. Its extradimensional connections are similar to a person, but bigger and more powerful. This could be the key to the downfall of the other Transcendents, Julia."

"We can hope," the woman apparently named Julia answered. "So... any idea why there are rabbits on it?"

Lulu giggled.

"I can't be certain. It almost looks like it was just scratched in there with a crude tool," Handler replied.

"It was a pocket knife," Lulu said. "It's not like I used a sharpened rock."

Lara glared at her. "Shut up."

"It's been decided we need to move it," Julia said.


"They haven't told me, just that we're moving it Thursday. We'll find out more instructions then."

"Three days." Lara smiled. "They'll walk it out, and we kill them and take it. Simple."


Rating: 2.3/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (4) | Hellbender Take Two
Fred Thompson Tree Hugger Not Shown
Posted by Frank J. at 02:57 PM | Email This

You're damn right it's not shown, or the next thing pictured would be a big red blotch that used to be you.

(hat tip to reader Eric)

Rating: 2.2/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (12)
lolterizt! Part 43
Posted by Harvey at 12:15 PM | Email This

Room for more next week.

You know you want to.

Meanwhile, once again, pass 'em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don't be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.

eat your gummy bears.jpg

invisible stairmaster.jpg

line for stop loss.jpg
[reference link]

red hands.jpg

stuck in pipe.jpg
[reference link]

star wars kid.jpg
[reference link]

From Slowpoke:

Two from Frog:
basement terrorist.jpg

Can you water my plants.jpg

From Raving Lunatic:

From Xaetognath:
Haz boogr lol.jpg

From acrazymic:

#1: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won't end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

HAT TIP: Snapped Shot for handy links to ripe-for-captioning photos.

Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and - if they aren't obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don't suck too terribly bad - I'll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

Rating: 2.2/5 (30 votes cast)

Comments (3) | lolterizt
In My World: Distraction
Posted by Frank J. at 11:13 AM | Email This

"We have an economic problem," Barack Obama told a crowd in Pennsylvania, "and the way to handle it is--"

"You're not wearing any pants!" someone in the crowd yelled out.

"This is why I hate America!"
Obama looked as angry as he was pantsless. "That has nothing to do with the important issues people care about such as the economy and healthcare. It is a distraction to bring that up."

"But shouldn't you have pants?" another asked. "I mean, you have the suit jacket and everything up top, but you only have boxers on down below."

"This is the problem with you people," Obama said. "You keep getting distracted by non-issues. If you would just think for a minute, you'd realize your whole moral stick up on people needing to wear pants had nothing to do with the real problems affecting you. It's quite sad; I was just telling my rich friends in San Francisco how I knew something like this would happen."

"Did you forget to wear pants?" one of the crowd inquired.

Michelle Obama ran onto to stage and pointed an accusing finger at the crowd. "This is why I hate America! THIS IS WHY I HATE AMERICA!!"

"It's okay dear." Obama gently ushered her off stage. "I can handle this." He turned to the crowd once more. "The Republicans want you to be distracted by this. They want you worrying whether people are wearing pants or not instead of whether you have jobs or access to hospitals. If you people were only a little smarter, you could see this."

"I really think you should be wearing pants," one person answered.

"I can't help you people." He stormed off stage.

* * * *

President Bush sat in bed with his wife watching the Obama speech. "I don't get it," Bush said. "The Democrats have spent eight years complaining about how I'm all stupid or something, so you'd think they'd nominate someone smart."

"Well, the Democrats aren't smart, dear."

Bush thought about that. "Oh yeah. Guess they wouldn't know what smart actually looks like."

Rating: 2.6/5 (26 votes cast)

Comments (10) | In My World
"Well There's Your Problem"
Posted by Frank J. at 10:39 AM | Email This

Here's a story on how some researchers are saying it was cheap rivets that caused the ultimate failure of the Titanic. That's not a new theory, but what I found interesting was this:

Harland & Wolff rejected the researchers' findings.

"There was nothing wrong with the materials," company spokesman Joris Minne said.

The company from Northern Ireland that made the Titanic is apparently still around to defend its construction. Sorry, dudes, but I think something was wrong there.

And when people decided to make the world's largest ship, who decided to contract that out to the Irish? With a bunch of sub-human, drunken potato-eaters putting it together, it's a miracle it made it far enough from England to strike an iceberg.

Rating: 2.0/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (26)
April 14, 2008
Takes One to Know One
Posted by Frank J. at 06:30 PM | Email This

There is talk that Al Gore and Jimmy Carter and -- I'm guessing -- Hamas are in talks to work together to pressure Hillary to end her campaign. They could have a pretty powerful argument because when those ginormous losers tell you that you're a loser, you have to listen because they sure know losers.

Rating: 2.1/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (14)
And I Hate It When People Add an Extra 'M' to My Last Name
Posted by Frank J. at 05:47 PM | Email This

Since IMAO has been kind of hard on Obama, we do have to say that he's getting good at handling people mistaking his name for another. At least he doesn't look down on those people like he does the religious.

Rating: 2.4/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 01:12 PM | Email This

What was the Founding Father's intent behind the 2nd Amendment?


Rating: 2.5/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (20) | Fun Trivia
Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 01:09 PM | Email This

Why did God send His only son to die for our sins?


Rating: 2.3/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (9) | Fun Trivia
Posted by Frank J. at 01:05 PM | Email This

When Spider-Man is bitter, he clings to walls.

Rating: 2.5/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (2)
It's Only Fair
Posted by Harvey at 11:59 AM | Email This

After they finished smoking their Happy Meal, liberals got bored and claimed that they saw a reflection of a naked woman in Dick Cheney's sunglasses:

cheney sunglasses.jpg

A naked woman with no face, a big chunk missing from her arm, and a huge wang, but who are we to criticize the transgender disabled?

Seriously, people, it's Dick's hand holding a fishing pole.

Not so seriously, here's a picture of Hillary Clinton wearing sunglasses:


Squint really hard, let your imaginations soar, and tell me what you see in them. I'll put my observations in the extended entry.


Rating: 2.5/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (49)
Thoughts on Bittergate
Posted by Frank J. at 11:09 AM | Email This

I had some thoughts on Obama's recent controversial statements, and thought I'd share (I do have a political blog, so why not?):

* I guess Obama just assumed that things said to the elitists in San Francisco just wasn't meant for the consumption of the rubes in flyover country. The reaction to his statement probably just reinforces that.

* What exactly has Obama done that give him the right to feel better than anybody? Right now the notable highlights of Obama's career are that he's given speeches, voted on stuff, and co-signed a bill or two. That means we know he speaks English, can say yes or no (or present) when asked, and can write his name. I really think its hard case to say he's qualified to be a shift manager at Taco Bell, nonetheless president.

* If bitter people are clinging to guns, don't we need a president whose smart enough not to upset them?

* Of course, we know that Obama has a lot of experience with bitter people congregating together in the name of a religion. I don't think Obama clung to that so much out of bitterness as political opportunity, though. Frankly, I can imagine him telling his elitist friends in the privacy of an exclusive fundraiser, "I prefer it when Wright talks about the government making HIV to kill minorities, because I find that a lot easier to believe than the stuff about the invisible sky fairy. Leave that for the hillbillies. Am I right?"

* In Obama's defense, his worshiping fans are kinda stupid, and that does have to skew his view of things being around them so much.

* Obama's slip was telling people exactly what he thinks, and liberalism just doesn't work that way. That's why liberals don't succeed on talk radio. Conservative can say what they're thinking and people like it, but liberalism explained in simple terms is condescending and fascist. Obama can say that people only like religion and the 2nd Amendment because they're bitter and stupid, but he needs to obscure that point by taking at least two thousand words to say it.

* It's a really horrible idea to denounce Middle America in San Francisco, but luckily the reverse isn't true. McCain could bash San Francisco all he wants while in Pennsylvania, and that certainly wouldn't hurt his chances in a national election. Pretty much the whole country considers San Francisco to be full of weird, useless people. The city is a punchline. The only ones who don't consider it full of freaks are those who live there... and even half of them have to suspect something.

* Speaking of San Francisco, you hear how they're advertising themselves as a sanctuary city? Of course, people as useless as San Franciscans can't just be a burden unto themselves, they need to be a load the rest of us. Now, if San Francisco proposed something where we got to trade all the people currently there for an equal number of Mexicans, I'd jump on that trade in a second.

* For the record, I always bought Obama more as an elite liberal with condescension of his betters -- same as any white liberal -- versus a mindlessly angry black separatist like his preacher. Michelle Obama I can see in the latter category though. She's craaaazy.

* Having nothing else left, Hillary sure is seizing on this controversy and portraying herself as Annie Oakley. Of course, she has a history of supporting repressive gun control, but that's why conservatives trust her more. We know the only fundamental issue she holds dear is that she should have power; she'll move on any other issue if necessary.

* Doesn't the Tuzla comments seem endearing in comparison? While Obama's speech was about looking down on us and our values, Hillary was lying to try and fit in with us, bless her little heart.

Rating: 1.9/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (32)
April 12, 2008
Possible Acronym of the Year
Posted by Frank J. at 06:04 PM | Email This

WORM - What Obama Really Meant

I have this feeling were going to see a lot more WORMs issued by Obama supporters and Obama himself because of future gaffes in which he explicitly declares his spite for America and Americans.

Rating: 3.1/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (20)
I Know Who Obama Is Based On
Posted by Frank J. at 01:33 PM | Email This

Khan, from the King of the Hill. He's always ranting about the "stupid rednecks" and how superior he is to them.

Wish I could find a representative clip, but I could find one on the internets. Stupid internets.

Rating: 2.6/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (4)
Weekend Question
Posted by Frank J. at 12:41 PM | Email This

What do you think Obama will cling to when he's bitter from joblessness?

Rating: 2.9/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (33)
Some Of Us Already Know What It Looks Like
Posted by Harvey at 10:46 AM | Email This

NASA's Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter has taken amazingly detailed images of Mars's moon, Phobos (in extended entry):


Rating: 2.5/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (10)
April 11, 2008
Barack Tells It Like It Is
Posted by Frank J. at 07:08 PM | Email This

Barack Obama speaks his mind:

You go into these small towns in Pennsylvania and, like a lot of small towns in the Midwest, the jobs have been gone now for 25 years and nothing’s replaced them…And they fell through the Clinton Administration, and the Bush Administration, and each successive administration has said that somehow these communities are gonna regenerate and they have not.

And it’s not surprising then they get bitter, they cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren’t like them or anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-trade sentiment as a way to explain their frustrations.

To give you an idea of just how elitist this statement is, he told it to the billionaires that made him come him through the servants entrance.

So people only like religion and guns and criticize illegal immigrations because they're stupid and jobless? I liked religion and guns and criticized illegal immigration before I was jobless, so there.

As these slip ups show, Barack Obama, much like his wife and preacher, hates America and Americans. The question to ask is whether America is better run by someone who doesn't despise it? This is something reasonable people can disagree on.


I was thinking: If clinging to religion and guns and criticizing illegal immigration is what typical white people do when they lose their jobs, what happens when they're punished with a baby?


Being attacked by both Hillary and McCain, Obama has responded:

“Senator Obama has said many times in this campaign that Americans are understandably upset with their leaders in Washington for saying anything to win elections while failing to stand up to the special interests and fight for an economic agenda that will bring jobs and opportunity back to struggling communities. And if John McCain wants a debate about who’s out of touch with the American people, we can start by talking about the tax breaks for the wealthiest Americans that he once said offended his conscience but now wants to make permanent.”

He then added, "See, all I have to do is get those jobless crackers jealous of people with more money, and they'll forget everything I said. Stupid honkeys."

Rating: 2.6/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (31)
More People Should Be Artistocrats
Posted by Frank J. at 04:27 PM | Email This

Thoughts on the pleasure of donating to bloggers.

I have always believed that my thinking is so important that I should just get paid to think and for occasionally sharing those thoughts in a blog post. Hopefully society will be civilized enough to realize this soon.

Rating: 2.7/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (9)
A Story, Bit by Bit
Hellbender: Chapter 17 - Facade
Posted by Frank J. at 04:01 PM | Email This


"As civilization moves into its next phase of existence," Doug read aloud from a pamphlet while seated on the floor, "it is of increasing importance who leads humankind into its next and final evolution. Ironically, being freed from the animinalistic handicap of childbirth and childrearing, women are being further made into second-class citizens despite the empty words of equality. The fact is that all the current leaders including the Transcendents -- no matter what forms they take -- have integrated primitive masculine instincts into their societies. This has to be stopped now, before these out-dated impulses are imprinted into us for all eternity."

"Makes sense; I wonder if they have a newsletter I can subscribe to?" Lulu was sitting near Doug with an odd pad over her eyes. Lara gave it to her to help clear up her black eyes. After the train ride (which Doug quite enjoyed as it was actually relaxing), they crossed over the Viathian border to the city of Avaro. There, Lara recommended a hotel -- not too expensive not too cheap -- where they rented three rooms. They were now meeting in one of them, where Lara shared the information she had on the followers of Elza, including recruitment pamphlets. They seemed hard to track down, as Lara was convinced that Elza's people were made up of many groups only loosely connected.

"You think they would have taken the cube here?" Charlene asked Lara. She was seated in a chair by the bed and also looking over some of the pamphlets. "I've heard more of their attacks on Asmod's territory lately."

"Viath's territories haven't seen much conflict in a while," Lara said, "and one pattern I've noticed with Elza's people is they tend to attack wherever things get too peaceful." She was seated on the bed next to Bryce who was looking on her quite fondly. Doug had never seen Bryce tricked by a woman before, and wasn't sure how he'd react.

Charlene tossed a pamphlet onto the bed. "How much thought do you think they put into these attacks? Most of them seem just random and poorly planned."

"My theory is that the mindless terrorism and the arch-feminism is all a front," Lara answered. "I think they're up to something big and Elza is taking pains to get people to underestimate them."

"That's some commitment to pretending to be incompetent," Charlene said. "The last two attacks they did on military installation had a lot more deaths on their side."

Lara shrugged. "Just a theory based on my observations. Of course, Elza claims to know the secret to immortality, so perhaps they have reason not to fear death."

"Maybe we should just behead Bryce as an offering to join up," Lulu suggested.

"What about me?" Doug asked.

"No one cares about you." Lulu took the pad off her face. "Do I still look like a raccoon?"

"Washing off the whiskers might help," Bryce said.

"But I want to look like a kitty-cat."

Lara held up a handheld computer to Doug. On screen was a woman. "Do you recognize her?"

Doug looked at her a moment. "She was one of the women who beat me up in that bathroom!" He had been too scared to go again until they had gotten back to the apartment. It was very painful.

"She was one of Colette's hired goons," Lara said, "and I had some suspicions about her which were confirmed when she went missing today." She stared a moment at Doug. "Interesting they left you alive. That's certainly not how they operate. Do you actually know something about the cube?"

Bryce laughed. "Doug doesn't even know how many sides a cube has."

"Yes I do! It's six... right?" Bryce gave Doug his "Shut up!" look, and Doug took the hint. "Or does a cube have eight sides? I don't remember."

"Don't take this the wrong way," Lara said, "but I'm banking on all of you actually being a lot smarter than you seem."

Lulu put the pad back over her eyes. "Were going to be such friends when this is all over."

Charlene pointed to the woman on the screen. "So is she our lead?"

Lara smiled. "I can do better. When she went missing, I went to her apartment, and she forgot her phone. There was a message on it from a Doris Handler. I looked her up, and she's a research scientist in an interdimensional studies lab in this city. I think that's where they took the cube."

"They're going to secretly study it?" Bryce asked.

"Maybe they're trying to open it," Doug suggested.

Lara stared at him with curiosity. "Why do you say that?"

"Because, of..." Bryce was giving Doug a look again. "I don't know. I was just guessing."

Charlene had a great amount of suspicion in her eyes. "So let me get this straight. All in one morning, you negotiated this job with Darius, decided to warn us so as to set up Colette, investigated a missing employee, and then tracked us down to help you. You're quite a busy girl."

Lara appeared angry. "It wasn't exactly like that. I've been at this sort of thing a lot longer than you amateurs, and I know how to seize an opportunity quickly. What exactly are you implying, Ms. Marshal?"

"We just have so many reasons to trust you." Charlene's hand rubbed one of the bruised cuts on her face.

"Girls, let's calm down." Bryce put his hand on Lara's shoulder. "We have a great opportunity here, and Lara is a very lovely and talented woman and it's quite a boon for us to get to work with her."

"She's awesome," Lulu said, still holding the pad on her eyes. "I'm thinking of having a lesbian relationship with her right now."

Lara stood up. "Anyway, let's get some sleep and then try and find out what Handler knows tomorrow. We need to move as quickly as possible because we don't want to still be around when Loch gets up to speed."

Lara began to leave, but Bryce walked up to her before she reached the door. "Lara, I feel like I have need to apologize to you," he said in the nervous, sincere voice Doug often heard him use when trying to get into bed again with a woman who had found out what a cad he was. "If I could talk to you privately..."

"Bryce, I've known you were a weasel from when I first met you. I was bored and felt like having sex, so I pretended I fell for your act. I then tricked you and your friends into raiding a military base, so no apology needed."

Bryce looked disappointed, but soon perked up. "Well, if you're bored now... I could tell you about how I shot Colette multiple times. It's a great story."

Lara laughed, and then motioned for Bryce to follow as she left the room. He quickly complied. Lulu took the pad off her face and looked towards the door with disbelief. "What a slut. I think Bryce is out of his league, though."

"We're all out of our league right now," Charlene said. "Something just seems off. Let's keep our eyes open."

Doug took a deep breath. "If you're not doing anything now, Charlene..."

"Doug, this is our room. Get out."

Lulu chuckled. "You both could do better."

Doug slowly got up and headed out. "Wait." Charlene walked over and handed him a snub-nose revolver. "Five shots. Double-action only. Can be a back up when we get you something better. These are dangerous people, so try not to get yourself killed too quickly if something happens."

"I have a pretty good record of not getting killed." Doug put the gun in his pocket. "This could all work out you know. We could be rich when this all over, and frankly I think we deserve it."

Charlene laughed. "I really can't see that happening, but I guess we have to try."

Doug honestly didn't see it happening either. Somehow, he knew something horrible was going to happen. He also knew there was nothing he could do other than try and be prepared for it.


Rating: 2.5/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (3) | Hellbender Take Two
Quick Path To Victory
Posted by Harvey at 03:53 PM | Email This

Apparently we could conquer the entire Middle East just by raising American flags everywhere and calling it "New America", since Muslims can't figure out how to work flagpoles (last line of the story).

Rating: 2.2/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (8)
In My World: Near Slip Up
Posted by Frank J. at 01:15 PM | Email This

"Our biggest threat is Al Qaeda," Barack Obama told a crowd of supporters. "We need to go after them, and Al Qaeda is not in Ir-... wait... um... that's not right... uh... the key Al Qaeda leadership is not in Iraq. That's the ticket! So, no reason for us to be in Iraq."

"But if we leave Iraq, won't the leadership set up base there?" a supporter asked.

"No... um... because... of the... uh... the violent Shiites there who will kill all of them."

"Then don't we have to worry about the Shiites?" another person in the audience asked.

"No... because... um... they'll all eventually be... um... eaten by the sandworms. So, if we leave Iraq, everything will solve itself. There's no reason for us to be there losing money and lives over spice... um... I mean oil."

"Do you actually know anything about foreign affairs?" someone else asked.

"Well... um... I read the paper every day."

"Articles or the comics?"

Obama thought about that. "What do the classifieds count as?"

Rating: 2.3/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (9) | In My World
Red Dawn 2: Beaten By Toys
Posted by Harvey at 12:19 PM | Email This

HOLLYWOOD (AP) - United Artists has announced that they are currently filming a sequel to the war movie classic Red Dawn, which will be released in 2009, on the 25th anniversary of the original.

"Hey round-eye! Bang Bang! We kick your ass with finger gun!"

The new movie will be based on several true stories, none of which are connected in real life. In "Red Dawn 2: Beaten By Toys", a brigade of Chinese Communists will - under the guise of carrying an Olympic torch - rampage through America, conquering city after city with no resistance using only objects which have been banned in American school systems. For example:

* A real WWII grenade with no explosive charge or detonator.

* A butter knife.

* Overly sugared Kool-Aid mix.

* A beeper.

* A Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue.

* A squirt gun.

* A pen with the Glock logo.

* Jolt Gum.

* Nails.

* Non-alcoholic jello shots.

* Mouthwash.

* A drawing of a gun.

* A Sharpie marker.

* A ham sandwich.

* Snowballs.

* An emergency roadside kit.

* Midol.

* A pointed finger combined with the word "bam".

UA publicist Dennis Rice is enthusiastic about the upcoming release. "First, we're thrilled that we can bring the sort of 'ripped from the headlines' relevance that America expects from its movies. Second, it's a well-deserved fart in the face to the greatest nation on earth, and it's sort of our way of thanking America for letting us make a living by biting the hand that feeds us."

"While it's true," admitted Rice, "that these sort of movies haven't been doing well lately, we prefer to look at the numbers and think 'Hey! We're WAY overdue for a winner!'"

Rating: 2.6/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (19) | Newsish Fakery
"This Country Is Full of What I Call 'Bleeding-Heart Liberals' Who I Guess Are Turned Off by the Idea of Torturing Monkeys for No Reason"
Posted by Frank J. at 10:48 AM | Email This

I have fond memories of the sketch comedy The State, but I think it only lasted a season or two on MTV.

Rating: 2.2/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (11)
Excellent Observation
Posted by Frank J. at 01:28 AM | Email This

This could cause troubling rumors for McCain.

**SPOILER WARNING** for people (like my brother and sister-in-law) who are still waiting to watch the third season of Battlestar Gallatica

Rating: 3.1/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (13)
April 10, 2008
Boycotting the Opening Ceremonies
Posted by Harvey at 05:35 PM | Email This

I've seen a lot of calls to protest China's human rights abuses by boycotting the opening ceremonies of the Olympics, yet still letting our athletes play in the games.

Which is like condemning prostitution by having sex with a filthy whore, but skipping the foreplay.

We boycotted the Olympics LAST time it was held by communists. I see no reason to change now.

Rating: 2.6/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (27)
Cult of Personality
Posted by Frank J. at 03:20 PM | Email This

Jim Geraghty has a great post on the importance of mocking Obama supporters, including mentioning a funny Lewis Black bit on the subject:

The unconditional Obama love is getting pretty crazy, and perhaps enough ridicule can make it unhip (do people still use that term?) to be an enthusiastic Obama supporter -- and you know how much liberals hate looking like they're not with the times (do people still use that phrase?).

First off, we need a good mocking term for Obama supporters who have drank deep the Kool-Aid and think he's the second coming -- kind of like "Ronulans" for Ron Paul supporters.



Well, that's all I can think of now. See how you can do in the comments.

Rating: 2.5/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (80)
Petraeus Explains Simple Truths to Idiot Democrats
Posted by Harvey at 12:34 PM | Email This

WASHINGTON (AP) - During a day-long session on Capitol Hill, General David Petraeus fielded questions from Democrat lawmakers ranging from the insipidly puerile to the monumentally retarded as he explained why it would be necessary to retain current troop levels in Iraq.

"With these hands, I will personally strangle the stupid out of the next Democrat who suggests pulling out."

"Why should we put all this effort into Iraq," asked Missouri Democrat Ike Skelton, "when doing so prevents the U.S. from effectively preparing for other conflicts and puts at risk the United States' ability to defeat those most likely to attack?"

Gen. Petraeus told Skelton that Iraqis were ACTUALLY attacking, and were thus deemed a higher priority than any hypothetical likely attackers made up by sniveling liberal defeatists as a cute way of attempting to score political points. "Besides," added the General, "the only way America's ability to defeat an enemy could actually be put at risk would be if God himself whimsically chose to tweak the laws of physics so as to make nuclear fission impossible."

Mugging for the cameras, Senator and leading presidential candidate Barack Obama suggested what he called 'a practical exit strategy'. "When I was in high school - back when they still called me Barry and I looked even more like Urkel than I do now - people used to tape 'kick me' signs on my back. This proved to be a very effective method of getting people to kick me. So why don't we just put 'don't shoot me' signs on the backs of our troops and run away?"

Petraeus pointed out the obvious flaw in Obama's theory, noting that the 'don't ask me stupid questions' sign Petraeus had worn to the hearings had been a 'dismal failure'. However, he DID encourage Obama to wear 'kick me' signs at every opportunity in the future.

"All your strategies are interesting," said Senator Ted Kennedy (D-Mass.), "but they all seem to result in an American victory. We want America to lose. Do you have any strategies that will make America lose?"

Gen. Petraeus assured the Senator from Massachusetts that, although he didn't currently have such a strategy, he would definitely be thinking about how America could lose the war when he voted on November 4th.

Rating: 2.1/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (25) | Newsish Fakery
In My World: Carter Meets with Hamas
Posted by Frank J. at 11:35 AM | Email This

"It is so good to finally meet you," Jimmy Carter said to the leader of Hamas. "I hope this discussion can help further peace."

"Kill the jooooos!" yelled the leader of Hamas.

"I defeated you in combat, so the peace prize is mine!"
"Yes, I know your grievances and I sympathize," Carter said. "So what concessions do you want?"

"Die! Joooos die!" replied the leader of Hamas.

"And your adamant about that?"

"Push joooos into the sea!"

Carter thought for a moment. "You'd have to file an environmental impact statement for that."

"Bash joooos with rocks!"

Carter nodded. "That seems reasonable to me... but I doubt Israel will see it that way. They're so stubborn."

"Destroy Israel!"

Carter leaned over and whispered to the leader of Hamas. "Don't tell anyone, but I agree with you there."

The leader of Hamas whispered back, "Kill the jooooos."

Carter smiled and nodded. "Well, I think we made great progress. Hopefully this can lead to you all getting the nation you richly deserve." He shook the leader of Hamas's hand. "Goodbye."

"Kill the joooos."

When Carter left the meeting room, he saw President Bush standing outside. "What are you doing here?"

"You're meeting with terrorists," Bush said. "So off to Gitmo with you."

"But I'm a Nobel Peace Prize winner!"

Bush punched Carter in the face. He then took Carter's Nobel Peace Prize. "I defeated you in combat, so the peace prize is mine!"

"I don't think it works that way."

"Then why do I also have Al Gore's?" Bush snapped to his Secret Service who grabbed Carter and shoved him in a wooden crate. Bush then put the lid on and sealed it with a nail gun.

The leader of Hamas came out and looked quite surprised by the scene. "Kill the joooos?!"

"He goes to Gitmo too," Bush told the Secret Service. They shoved the leader of Hamas into another wooden crate which Bush also sealed. He then took out a black Sharpie and wrote "To Gitmo" in big letters on both crates.

Bush turned to his Secret Service. "Send them UPS Ground."

Rating: 2.5/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (31) | In My World
I Already Know How 2008 Ends
Posted by Frank J. at 10:54 AM | Email This

I was thinking that McCain really can win the presidency quite handily to the point it will be very hard for Democrats to pretend some voting problem in a state or two caused the election to be "stolen," but then I realized they're still set because with Barack Obama they can just whine about how racism stopped him from being elected. Once again, it won't be they nominated a liberal idiot, it will be the fault of others they don't win.

They must be excited. I bet they're already writing their angry posts about their loss.

Rating: 2.3/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (11)
Because They're Mindlessly Evil
Posted by Frank J. at 09:03 AM | Email This

Obama has accused mortgage companies of "tricking families into buying homes they couldn't afford." Also, I hear mortgage companies are then giving the families HIV which the mortgage companies made in their labs. It kinda seems that making people default on loans and spending money on diseases to use on your customers is a poor business model, but I guess that's why we need Obama to fix things.

Rating: 2.6/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (16)
April 09, 2008
Get Whitey
Posted by Frank J. at 06:09 PM | Email This

Carnegie Mellon's The Tartan (I used to write for that) reported that at an Obama event, people were calling out, "Get me more white people, we need more white people."

It's pretty true these days that a national candidacy can't succeed without the support of white people, and it's good to see them getting their recognition. Obama's campaign should read the site Stuff White People Like to figure out more ways to attract white people such as having an Arrested Development marathon where they serve expensive sandwiches.

Rating: 2.7/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (20)
A Story, Bit by Bit
Hellbender: Chapter 16 - Birds in a Bush
Posted by Frank J. at 05:21 PM | Email This


Bryce eyes brightened up on sight of Lara. "Hello, doll-face!" He sat down next to her.

Lulu said in a monotone voice, "Oh, hi, Lara; you're our best friend" and sat down at the table as well. Charlene kept a cautious eye on Lara as she sat but didn't say anything.

Doug, as usual, was confused. "You had us beat up!" Doug yelled, pointing an accusing finger at Lara.

She chuckled. "There's that dry wit again."

Charlene yanked Doug down into a chair and shushed him.

Darius sat as well, and his expression over the outburst seemed to be resting somewhere between confusion and unconcern. "I need something done, and I don't want Dammon involved. Ms. Skinner here agreed to help and recommend you four. What I'm looking for is a special device. It looks like a metal cube; I understood you four know of it."

"Oh yes. The 'bunny cube' as people call it," Bryce said. "We know all about it." He looked to Doug. "What was it you were saying about it?"

Doug stopped searching the menu for nachos to look up. "Oh... um... the cube is supposed to have a key inside to lock something. The Trans fear it for some reason. That's what I've heard."

Darius looked very surprised. "Heard from who?"

Doug realized this was trouble, so he turned to Bryce. Bryce was better at lying. "It's just the word out there," Bryce said. "A lot of rumors are already flying around as it is an odd little thing."

Darius didn't look very convinced. "So, I need it, and I need it quickly. I know Elza's people have it, and I expect not just Dammon will be after it, but Loch as well. Thus I'm willing to pay quite handsomely for it considering the risk."

"Hellbender doesn't come cheap," Lulu lied, twitching her painted on whiskers.

"Ms. Skinner negotiated five million, and that seems fair."

Bryce was the first to recover from the shock. "Seems fair."

"I hope we're agreed then." Darius stood up. "Ms. Skinner already has all the details. This lunch is on my account; feel free to order whatever you want, and I hope I'll see you all again soon."

As Darius left, Doug quickly reached for the menu again. "Free food! Awesome! Do you think it's too early for beer?" He scanned through the menu for a moment. "Wait. Did he say 'million'?"

Lara smiled. "I'm guessing we have some talking to do."

Charlene was not amused. "I was thinking other things than talking."

"I was too," Bryce said, "but probably not the same things as her. If we all have a chance to get rich, isn't that worth making up and being friends?"

"Yes, it was kind of mean what I did to all of you," Lara said, "but that's the price you pay for having Bryce as a friend. I then helped you put that bitch Colette in her place, though, and I was quite impressed by your entrepreneurial spirit. I found out that Asmod's government was going to pay heavily for the cube but knew that was something I couldn't handle myself, and since Colette tasked me to hunt you guys down I quickly arranged this."

"If I didn't look cute as a raccoon," Lulu stated, "I'd slit your throat right now. I don't really trust working with you."

"And what do we need you for, anyway?" Charlene asked Lara.

"I have the contact with Darius," Lara replied, "and I've been studying the Elza problem and am best equipped to find out where her people brought the cube. In fact, since I brought this opportunity to you and have all the knowledge, I'm going to need fifty percent."

Lulu stood up. "I need to go to the bathroom. Charlene, do you need to go to bathroom? Doug and Bryce, do you need to go too?"

Lara sighed. "I'll go to the bathroom." She stood up and walked off.

Lulu sat back down. "I wrote a poem about my feelings about her:

"I don't like her
She's a bitch.
Let's beat her up
And throw her in a ditch!"

Bryce shrugged. "Your meter is off."

"Your meter's off!"

"We have plenty of money for now," Charlene said. "Lets just get out of here. She could turn on us at any point... not to mention you people aren't really skilled enough to be taking on this sort of operation. We're doing pretty well right now considering our past history, so let's not get greedy. A bird in hand is worth two in the bush."

"We're not talking about two in the bush!" Bryce shouted. "We're talking about... um..." He looked to Lulu. "How much more than twenty five grand are we talking?"

"Eighty-seven point six times as much."

"We're talking eighty-seven point six..." Bryce paused. "That doesn't sound right." He thought it out. "We're talking one hundred birds in the bush, and the bush is only guarded by incompetent Amazons. Didn't you say they're not even very good at fighting?"

"I didn't say you guys were better," Charlene answered.

"Are we really talking about getting millions of dollars?" Doug asked. "That's a lot of money."

"See! One of us has his priorities straight," Bryce said. "We can do this, and if we do it quickly, then we don't have to worry about running into Dammon's people or... Loch."

Doug shuddered. "If he's around, I'm out of this. I don't want millions that bad."

"And are we agreeing to fifty percent?" Charlene asked.

"Here's what I say we do," Lulu stated. "We agree to give her fifty percent, but when the job is done, we say to Lara, 'Here's your share!' and punch her in the face and run away."

"Maybe we can argue her down a little," Bryce said, "but I'm sure we can set up accounts ahead of time so no one can screw the other."

"You won't want that," Lulu commented.

Doug looked around. "When is the waiter coming?"

Lara returned and took her seat. "So..."

Bryce stared at her with his intense business face. "We want sixty percent."

"Fifty it is," she said. "We better get out of here pretty soon. We'll take the train."

Lulu pounded the table. "It's not a train."

"Excuse me?"

"It doesn't follow a track. You can't just call it a train because it sorta looks like one."

"It's a number of segments -- independent vehicles -- that move together in a line, i.e., a train," Lara said. "You'd have a case if they called it a flying railroad."

Lulu looked like she was about to reply, but nothing came out. Instead she leaned back in her chair and muttered, "Bitch."


Rating: 2.5/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (7) | Hellbender Take Two
McCain's VP
Posted by Frank J. at 01:14 PM | Email This

So who would be a good VP... IMAO-wise? I mean, I would like to continue writing In My Worlds™, so I'll need someone I can work with. I kinda like Condi because then every week could be a story about her secretly trying to off old man McCain so she can be president and nuke Finland.

What do you think?

Rating: 2.4/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (53)
ABC Creates World's Slantiest News Story
Posted by Harvey at 12:19 PM | Email This

BAGHDAD (AP) - In an article interviewing soldiers in Iraq about their presidential candidate preferences, ABC News set a new record for opinionated slanting in an "unbiased" network media story by quoting four Obama supporters, one Clinton supporter, and NO ONE who supported McCain. The Republican candidate's name was not mentioned at all in the story.

One of many rallies supporting Obama's plan to pull out of Iraq now.

"It started off as a joke," said Martha Raddatz, the article's author. "I mean, everyone dreams about having their truthiest story published, but I never thought my editor would let it fly - you know how they're always going on about 'ethics' and crap, like they have a grudge against journalistic idealism - but in the end, he honored my voice. I feel so Rosa Parks."

Marcus Baram, professor of journalism at Harvard, analyzed Raddatz's story and said that it was the slantiest opinion piece he'd ever seen successfully masquerade as a news story.

"Journalistic slant is, like the slant of a line, measured in degrees. For example, the police report section of a small town newspaper - being purely factual - would be a zero degree slant, like a horizontal line. A 90 degree slant, like a vertical line, is the hypothetical maximum, which could never actually be reached unless Fox were to broadcast Fahrenheit 9/11 as a news story. Raddatz's piece reaches an astonishing 85 degrees - I've never seen anything like it."

Baram cited some of the factors that he thought made the piece "especially brilliant":

* Four uses of the phrase "pull out", including the IMAO-worthy line "By support, [Spc. Imus] Loto meant pulling out troops".

* Using an Obama talking point by saying one soldier supported Obama "for his representation of change".

* Using an Obama talking point by referring to the "steadiness" of the candidate's views.

* Of the six soldiers quoted who did not name a candidate, two were implied to be politically oblivious, with one actually being quoted out of context as saying "I don't know who's running, ma'am."

* Although the topic was Obama's political experience, describing one Obama supporter as "the battle-weary soldier".

* Claiming - without a relevant supporting quote - that a devoted soldier on his third tour of duty in Iraq was "just as eager for a pull-out as the Democratic candidates."

Baram noted that Raddatz lost a few degrees of slant for describing a Dick Cheney speech as "rousing", failing to call Bush a "warmonger", and completely omitting any comparison of Iraq to Vietnam.

Rating: 2.2/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (15) | Newsish Fakery
I Forget; Is It the Sunnis or the Shiites that Hates America and the Jews?
Posted by Frank J. at 10:21 AM | Email This

So McCain messed up at Patraeus's testimony and implied that Al Qaeda is Shiite before quickly correcting himself. Whatever.

But the DNC, really desperate about the inexperienced attack against Obama, seized on this right away. I got an e-mail from Howard Dean who said:

"This is not some minor mistake, but a significant gaffe. He clearly does not understand the sensitive political dynamics in that region of the world."

Are they really going to argue that Obama, who doesn't know Pakistan from a hole in the ground, is going to win the Sunni/Shiite lighting round and is more qualified for foreign affairs? Based on what?

Oh, I know: "Obama is secretly a Shiite Muslim and hates the Sunnis, so, unlike McCain, he's not going to get those two confused."

Rating: 2.5/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (17)
April 08, 2008
Obama with the Billionaires
Posted by Frank J. at 07:58 PM | Email This

Obama had an exclusive event in the San Francisco for only the richest supporters. The group was so exclusive, that Obama was only allowed in if he came in through the servants entrance.

I guess we haven't progressed as far as we thought.

Rating: 2.5/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Anchor Babies
Posted by Frank J. at 02:32 PM | Email This

I thought it was pretty well set in the Constitution that anyone born in the U.S. automatically becomes a U.S. citizen, but John Hawkins argues otherwise.

I have a good idea, though: If a woman illegally crosses the border and gives birth, the baby -- who is U.S. property -- is confiscated and the woman is deported. The baby is then raised in an underground lab to be a super soldier.

Everyone wins.

Rating: 2.1/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (21)
Petraeus Testimony
Posted by Frank J. at 12:24 PM | Email This

I was watching General Petraeus on TV laying out quite plainly how things are in Iraq and what improvements have been made and what still needs to be done, and I was thinking that any American should be like, "Yay! Let's keep up our troops' hard work! Let's win!" But Democrats are never like that. Even when victory looks really possible, they want to find some option that involves at least a marginal amount of failure. Why is that? I wonder if Democrats were scared by victory as children and still have an irrational fear of it to this day.

And why do they hate America and its troops? Did they feel America just got more attention growing up and they've always held a deep-seated resentment? Whatever it is, Democrats need to get over themselves and let America win. I'm not saying Democrats need to love America, but I don't think Republicans should have any dealing with them unless they at least recognize America's right to exist.

Rating: 2.2/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (16)
lolterizt! Part 42
Posted by Harvey at 11:43 AM | Email This

Still lots of room for more entries next week. Submit away. You know you've been dying to give it a try.

Meanwhile, once again, pass 'em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don't be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.

aspen cancelled.jpg

blue man.jpg

burning flaming.jpg

find keys.jpg


From Colorado Right

From Pauley:
big red.jpg

Two from Xaetognath:
Return to sender.jpg
[indispensible reference link]

compensating a lot.jpg

Two from acrazymic:

Muslim space telescope launch.jpg

#1: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won't end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

HAT TIP: Snapped Shot for handy links to ripe-for-captioning photos.

Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and - if they aren't obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don't suck too terribly bad - I'll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

Rating: 2.5/5 (24 votes cast)

Comments (2) | lolterizt
April 07, 2008
A Story, Bit by Bit
Hellbender: Chapter 15 - Take the Money and Run
Posted by Frank J. at 05:04 PM | Email This

"So are we taking the train?" Doug asked.

"No!" Lulu said quite emphatically. "Because it's not a train. It's a flying segmented transport."

Bryce rolled his eyes. "Whatever. They call it a train."

"I don't care what they call it!" Lulu shouted. "It's either a train or it isn't. It doesn't follow a track -- it flies -- ergo it is not a train."

"It follows a virtual track set in its programming," Bryce countered, "which is about the same thing."

"That's the dumbest thing I ever heard! You're now dumber than Doug for saying that! You can buy us tickets, but don't you dare tell them you're buying the tickets for their train because they don't have one!"

Doug walked over to Charlene. "So are we taking the train?"

Charlene kept scanning the people around them in what Doug thought was the train station. "Colette's people are going to be looking for us here. I think its best we find another means of transport even if it's slower."

Doug and his friends wasted no time in preparing to flee now that they had some money. They first stopped at a thrift shop to get some new, more inconspicuous clothing (Lulu's outfit could hardly be described as "cute" and barely emphasized her chest at all -- though she still kept her face paint). Since Doug was already pretty non-descript in his t-shirt and jeans, he got a brown fedora and some sunglasses to hide his identity. He was also going to get a duster, but decided it was too hot out for that. Doug did get a duffle bag to conceal his sword in.

Charlene continued to appear quite concerned as she looked around the train station. "We have some powerful enemies this time, Doug; we have to take this seriously. It's only luck some of us haven't been killed by now, but luck isn't going to hold up against this big a threat."

"I don't know; we always seem to do alright in the end." Doug smiled. "Maybe it's like there is someone watching out for us."

"You're an idiot." Charlene walked over to Bryce and Lulu. "This is a bad idea. We shouldn't take the train."

"It's not a train!" Lulu shouted. "It's a--"

Charlene smacked Lulu in her raccoon face and looked to Bryce. "My plan worked with Colette, so why don't you follow my lead again in getting out of here?"

"First of all, it wasn't your plan," Bryce said. "It was our plan. Also, that involved standing and fighting -- which is your expertise -- while this involves fleeing -- which is more my expertise. They're not going to attack us in broad daylight on a public transport. I kept the sum low enough that Colette can't justify some huge pursuit of us; she'll probably mainly keep quiet about it to avoid the humiliation. This is the quickest way to get to the Viathian border." Taroth and Viath were practically allies and the border was supposed to be easy to cross. According to Bryce, Dammon's people had had some trouble in Viath's land, making it harder for them to operate there and a safe place for Hellbender.

Charlene sighed. "Fine. But all of you keep alert."

"Can I have a gun?" Doug asked.

"I'll give you one of mine, but not while we're in a public area." Charlene looked around some more. "There's a man in a suit who seems to be looking our way."

Bryce watched the crowds. "Who?"

"Are you talking about the one waving at us and walking our way?" Lulu asked.

They all tensed as a very important looking man came towards them. "Are you Hellbender?"

"Who is asking?" Lulu responded.

"We're Hellbender," Bryce said. He then shook the man's hand. "You're Robert Darius, aren't you?"

"Yes, but I'm trying to keep a low profile."

Charlene had not calmed down any. "How did you find us?"

"Let's discuss this out of the public's view," Darius said. "I know about your trouble with one of Dammon's people, and am quite impressed by your handling of it. I can assure your safety for now, though. I know a nice restaurant near here; I'll treat you to lunch and we can discuss a business proposal."

"Sounds good," Bryce said, though he was the only one who seemed certain of that.

Darius led them out of the train station and down the street, but Charlene lagged a bit behind and whispered to the others. "There is something very weird about this."

"For one thing, it's a bit too early for lunch," Lulu added.

"So who is this guy?" Doug asked.

"A very important person in Asmod's government," Bryce said. "He's a Hollow one and a good path to the lucrative government contracts we should be pursuing."

"And do you think he knows who we are since were until recently Asmod's citizens?" Charlene whispered.

Bryce scoffed. "He's way too important to know about the slave labor."

Doug looked to Darius who was walking a couple yards ahead of him. "Being one of the Hallowed, do you think he has like super hearing and can hear what we're saying now?"

Bryce looked startled by the suggestions, and all of them now quietly followed Darius until they reached the restaurant that looked fancier than any place Doug had eaten before. "One of your associates is meeting us here," Darius said as they walked inside.

"Any friend of ours is a friend of ours," Lulu said, looking as confused as the rest.

Darius led them to a table. Seated there was Lara who smiled as they approached. "Hey, buddies."


Rating: 2.6/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (8) | Hellbender Take Two
Absolut Apology
Posted by Frank J. at 03:21 PM | Email This

Absolut has decided to discontinue their Reconquista ad. Then again, I was never that scared that a bunch of vodka fueled Mexicans were going to take over half of the continental United States.

Rating: 2.0/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (16)
A Great Day for People of Pallor
An Excerpt from George Washington's Inauguration Speech
Posted by Frank J. at 01:50 PM | Email This

 It has been a long hard road here. As a little boy growing up in America, I honestly did not think such a thing was possible. But we have a grown as a nation, and now I stand here breaking this barrier once and for all by becoming the first white male president of the United States of America.

 I still remember how much it stung when people made fun of my lack of rhythm and predilection for putting mayo on everything. Then there were the bombings of expensive coffee houses -- some of the worst examples of hatred against white males. But we are a less ignorant society now, and my election now shows that white males are now as accepted in America as anyone else.

 I want my inauguration to serve as example to every white male out there that you can achieve anything you put your mind to. I'm not saying discrimination against us is not still out there, but it can be overcome. Here I am as proof: a white man and president of the United States of America.

George Washington was the first while male president of the United States of America.

Rating: 2.1/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (7) | Editorials
Charleton Heston Still Refuses to Give up His Gun
Posted by Harvey at 11:14 AM | Email This

LOS ANGELES (AP) - Despite numerous promises in his lifetime to allow his guns to be taken from his cold, dead hands, the late Charlton Heston issued a statement today saying that he will retain possession of his firearms into the afterlife.

"I have only five words for you - 'NOT GUN GRABBING TIME YET!'"

"I know a lot of liberals eagerly anticipated my demise so that they could freely disarm me," said the dead former President of the National Rifle Association, "but I've come to realize that joining the choir invisible is not, in and of itself, sufficient reason for an American citizen to surrender his weapons."

"Liberals have long assumed that the day of my demise would be the day they could strip me of my right to self-defense, but they assumed wrong," said the deceased actor. "If Democrats won't acknowledge death as a reason to take away a person's right to vote, why should it be a reason to take away their right to bear arms? Besides, the last time I thought I was dead, I woke up on a planet full of talking apes. I really could've used a good rifle then."

Senator Diane Feinstein said she wasn't surprised by the screen legend's change of heart, non-beating though it was. "This is typical hypocrisy from the so-called 'gun-rights' establishment," said the California Senator. "All they care about is killing hundreds of thousands of children every year with their assault rifles, and I guess Mr. Heston hasn't reached his quota of slaughtered innocents yet."

Documentarian Michael Moore, whose 2002 film Bowling for Columbine proved beyond argument that guns are pure evil, registered shock and disappointment at the departed Oscar-winning actor's decision. "I was standing in line outside Heston's house with my gun-prying tool, just like every other decent gun-hating patriot. It was going to be like Arthur drawing Excalibur, and the first person to get Heston's rifle was going to have a gun-control bill named after him. Sadly, it was not to be."

"Looks like America bowled a 37 today," said Moore.

Rating: 2.5/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (19) | Newsish Fakery
Honest Debate Is Hard
Posted by Frank J. at 11:00 AM | Email This

This was a great segment on immigration Drew Carey did. Maybe one day reason.tv could do one on illegal immigration.

Seriously, though, I've enjoyed a lot of Drew Carey's reason.tv segments, but if its his position that illegal immigration is exactly the same as legal immigration, THEN MAKE THAT ARGUMENT. Don't just ignore the difference between legal and illegal immigration and talk about the issue like you're a dishonest used car salesman.

That's Geraldo's job.

Rating: 2.7/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Pizza Delivery Follow Up
Posted by Frank J. at 10:31 AM | Email This

My post on pizza deliverymen being armed got a lot of comments, but I thought I should make sure this one gets read. It's from a commenter named Tim. I can't verify the facts in it, but they sound true and that's good enough for IMAO:

@Guy in a Suit, who said: Also, aren't most pizza delivery guys too young to legally carry a firearm?

Nope, not even close. This is one of those stereotypes that has been a pet peeve of mine for years, and it's a stereotype that won't seem to go away. It's illegal to hire anyone under 18 as a driver because it is considered a hazardous occupation. And most stores I've ever seen don't want 'em younger than mid-20s.

I've been a driver for over 10 years now, and I'm 41. The youngest driver we have at our store is about 28. Some of the competitors in our town have drivers that are clearly older than I am.

Pizza delivery is not a game for children, despite what the media-fed story templates say. It is the eighth most deadly occupation per capita in the US, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics; and it used to be the fifth deadliest until we got combined with OTR truckers who used to be tenth. Our occupation is the only one in the top ten wherein crime is a factor in the deaths (approximately 25% of all OTJ deaths are crime-related, the other 75% being traffic fatalities). Interestingly, law enforcement officers don't even make the top ten despite the obvious hazards, presumably because they carry firearms and are trained to do so.

Rating: 2.5/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (7)
Lions for Lambs... Emphasis on the Lions
Posted by Frank J. at 09:05 AM | Email This

I saw an ad for the DVD release of the anti-Iraq screed Lions for Lambs. While the ads for the theatrical release made it pretty clear it was a pedantic talkee film, the ad for the DVD played it up like its an action movie about heroic troops under fire because I guess they thought that might trick some people into watching it.

Here's an idea for Hollywood: Why don't you actually make a movie about heroic troops in Iraq and then you won't have to trick people into seeing your crappy films. We get movies about people heroically killing aliens and zombies and transforming robots, so why is it so hard to get a film about troops heroically killing terrorists -- like they are actually doing right now? If you're up for it, I swear I could hack out a script in one afternoon for a movie that would earn way more than the anti-American, anti-troop crap about the war you've been putting out lately. I'd call it Terrorists Die: An American Story and it would star Adam Baldwin. It wouldn't just be a mindless action flick of terrorists getting blown to pieces, though; it would be educational in that it would teach you the value of killing terrorists through the cool plot and dialog that would be integrated with the action.

You might ask, "Why have any plot or dialog? Why not just show terrorists getting shot for two hours?" Well, you have to have pauses between the action to allow anticipation for more action -- that film making 101 -- and the best way to fill up those pauses is with dialog and plot. See, I've put thought into this. It will be a very productive afternoon when I hack out that awesome script. Better start right now mixing red dye with corn syrup for all the terrorist blood.

Rating: 2.5/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (16)
April 06, 2008
I Guess It's Time to Get the Gun from His Hands
Posted by Frank J. at 03:42 PM | Email This

I have so much respect for Charlton Heston, but I was physically incapable of not making that joke.

May he rest in peace and may we not take for granted what he worked so hard for.

Rating: 2.5/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (28)
Sunday Open Thread
Posted by spacemonkey at 03:41 PM | Email This

It's Sunday.
It's open.
It's thread.

Rating: 2.2/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (10)
April 05, 2008
I Can Ride a Bike with No Handlebars
Posted by Frank J. at 06:29 PM | Email This

Heard this odd song on a local rock station and thought I'd share. Don't quite care for the video, but it was the easiest way to post the song:

Rating: 2.7/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (32)
IMAO Exclusive: Cat Expects to Give Birth to Puppies.
Posted by RightWingDuck at 02:27 PM | Email This

Just days after a transgender man announced that he was having a baby, thus inspiring all men with uteruses, a cat has made a similar announcement. Rovina, who was once a dog, shocked scientists by announcing she was expecting a little dog puppy.

Said Rovina: “You would think that I might be able to have kittens, since I changed everything about me on the outside, but I always wanted to have puppies.”

Rovina is happy and excited. She’ll be featured on one of next week’s episodes of Oprah.


Rating: 2.5/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (7)
Items of Interest
Posted by Harvey at 10:39 AM | Email This

* The "Obama talks into the wrong end of the phone" picture now has it's own Snopes page, although it's not attributed to IMAO.

* Will it Blend? Chuck Norris:

Rating: 2.0/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (12)
April 04, 2008
Absolut Silliness
Posted by Frank J. at 09:36 PM | Email This

I no I should be outrages about the Absolut ad thingy, but the Reconquista idea is just so pathetic. We're talking about Mexico. That's like a three year old imagining besting a professional luchadore.

And why would Mexicans want an even larger country to flee from?

MEXICAN ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT: Yay! I've made it to America!

MEXICAN OFFICIAL: I'm afraid not. We took over most of the west coast. You're still like a thousand miles from the American border.

MEXICAN ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT: Crap. Do you have any work I can do?

MEXICAN OFFICIAL: Of course not. This is Mexico.

Rating: 2.8/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (21)
Bowling a 37
Posted by Frank J. at 08:55 PM | Email This

I wasn't going to comment on this because it was so cheap, but Barack Obama bowled a 37 the other day while bowling for the cameras. I suck at bowling, but I have never bowled that poorly in my life. It's actually an unimaginably bad score to the point you have to wonder whether Obama has ever attempted to roll a sphericial object before.

Anyway, in the latest HamNation, Mary Katharine Ham explores exactly how badly you have to bowl to get a 37 by attempting to get the score herself.

Again, I'm not saying you shouldn't vote for Obama because he bowled so poorly, but, I mean, that poor a score... you have to wonder.

Rating: 2.9/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (16)
CONTEST - Absolut Vodka: The Other Ads
Posted by RightWingDuck at 07:13 PM | Email This

By now, I'm sure you've heard about the latest ad from Absolut Vodka. If not, then visit Michelle Malkin and get the latest.

The good folks at Absolut emphasize that they respect all viewpoints and cultures. Diversity is king.

Below the fold, is my contribution to the conversation.

In the name of diversity of course.

If you like, email us your photoshop contributions and lets see the OTHER ads that Absolut Vodka could be running. If you are one of the many people with awful photoshop skills, then please describe your Absolut advertisement in comments. Or better yet, please create your own (with trackback) and we'll link to you from IMAO.

Thank you.


Rating: 2.7/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (16)
A Story, Bit by Bit
Hellbender: Chapter 14 - Cornered Rats
Posted by Frank J. at 04:04 PM | Email This


"That's a bad trade." Doug had just claimed one of Bryce's knights using a rook, and Bryce moved a bishop to take the rook.

"The horses move weird," Doug said. "I just want them off the board so I don't have to keep track of them." Apparently a policy of Taroth's Republic was to make more cerebral activities available to the Last Children in an effort to improve them. Thus Bryce has found a complete chess set in the apartment building they were squatting in and decided to sit in their room and play a game with Doug while they waited for opportunity to knock.

"So, did the Prince of Darkness visit you again in your dreams?" Bryce asked.

"You mean Stan? Yeah, I'm starting to doubt how much he really knows." Doug stared at the board for a moment. "He gave me homework, though."

"He is evil."

"I'm supposed to look for weaknesses in the Hallowed and the Trans."

Bryce thought a moment. "Well, the Hollow ones are basically just powerful slaves to their masters. As for the Trans, they're just way too powerful to even notice people like us. That's a weakness I like to exploit."

"So, if there was something more powerful than the Trans, what do you think are the chances it would care about us?" Doug moved one of his pawns forward a space.

"That's stupid, and you're stupid for even thinking it." Bryce claimed the pawn with a rook. "You keep leaving your pawns unprotected; you're not going to have any defenses left soon."

Doug chuckled. He then moved his queen to claim Bryce's king. "I win!"

"Huh? I was in check? You can't do that!"

"What do you mean?"

Bryce looked quite cross. "When one of your pieces threatens my king, you have to tell me."

Doug scoffed. "Then you'd just move it."

"That's the rules, idiot! Since you violated them, I win."

"Whatever. You're always changing the rules of any game we play so you win."

Opportunity did not knock this time. Instead, it kicked down the door. Colette entered the apartment in a dress that looked a bit too fancy to wear for door-kicking. The three large men with guns in hand accompanying her looked quite ready to kick things, though.

Bryce turned in his seat to face Colette. "You say you want to stay under Taroth's radar, but guess who is going to end up paying for that door."

Colette looked at Bryce like she was gazing upon a large cockroach. "We decided we want the bunny cube."

"Well, that's a problem," Bryce said. "After you were so rude to us, we found a much more polite buyer for that particular item."

Colette bent over Bryce, looking to be about a second from ripping him apart. "Who?"

Bryce was a bit too distracted from Colette bending over him to answer.

"Stop staring down my dress!"

"What? I'm not staring very far down it; just to the boobs."

She grabbed him by the throat. "I'd rip your head off if I didn't think your friend here is too dumb to help me. Now, you're going to answer me, or I will dismember your friends in front of you." She looked around. "Where are the two girls?"

"Out doing girl stuff," Bryce coughed.

"When Charlene gets mad, she likes to have a pedicure," Doug said. "You made her mad last night, so I'm guessing that what's she's doing."

Colette pointed at Doug. "Shut up!" She looked at Bryce. "Who has the cube?"

"I'd be violating our buyer confidentiality policy to tell you."

Colette let him go and backed away a step. "Kill the stupid one," she ordered her men.

"You're stupid!" Doug yelled.

Her thugs started to advance on Doug. "Wait!" Bryce called out. "I have something of interest to you. You don’t have all the equipment from the truck we stole; we took some out for our own use when we first got here."

"I don't care about anything other than that stupid cube right now."

"This is good, though," Bryce continued. "One thing we have is a very nice, high powered rifle. It has a scope and everything. I think it would be useful to you. Three thousand."

"You're not getting any money, Child," Colette said. "About the only thing you're going to be able to bargain for soon is how painfully we kill you."

Bryce's phone beeped. He looked down at it on his belt. "Text message from Lulu. Says she found some good muffins downtown."

"Can you tell her to get me one?" Doug asked.

"Now I'm ripping your arm off," Colette said and advanced on Bryce.

Bryce quickly pulled a small electronic device from his shirt pocket. "I think you'll be interested in this, though... more so than even the cube."

"I told you--"

Bryce put on his used car salesman smile. "It's a remote detonator; very high-tech. Only ten thousand, and it's yours."

"I don't care--"

"It's really a bargain."

"I don't want it!"

"Fine. Then you're walking home." Bryce hit a button on it, and there was a loud explosion outside causing the thugs to turn around. Then there was the sound of breaking glass as bullets flew in through the window in rapid succession killing the three thugs. Bryce pulled out a gun and fired repeatedly into Colette. The bullet wounds seemed to spark as the bullets ripped through her but only seemed to stun her slightly as she reached for Bryce.

Now it what time for Doug to do what he had been preparing for. He quickly quickly drew his katana as he leapt to his feet and proceeded to cut off Colette's hand in one quick motion. She fell to the ground, finally looking like she was in pain. Where the arm was cut, Doug couldn't see a wound. He couldn't see anything. Actually, it gave him an odd feeling to even try and perceive, so he tried not to look and instead focus on Colette's face against which he placed his blade.

"Do you know what we're going to do to you?" Colette spat at them. "You little--"

Bryce shot her again. "Yes yes. Generic threats. We've heard them before." Bryce's expression was very dark; actually quite scary for someone who usually was never physically intimidation. "You were right last night when you labeled us desperate losers, which I think would mean a bit more caution when dealing with us. I don't know where you get off thinking you are anywhere near the most threatening person we've ever had the displeasure of dealing with. Now, I understand that cutting you to pieces won't kill you, but I'm guessing you won't like it... and who knows how long you'll be in that condition before Dammon decides to put you back together. I say it's worth twenty five thousand to you to avoid that." He took out a small handheld computer and tossed it to her. "Our account information is there. It's an insignificant sum to you and a big sum to us -- desperate losers that we are -- so everyone wins."

"You can't extort Dammon. You will--"

"We're extorting you. Keep that straight. I'll understand that Dammon won't like damage to his property, but he should have been a bit more careful with his things, then." He turned to Doug. "I'm done talking to her; you can go ahead and cut off her ears."

"You don't need her to smell anything either, right?"

"Fine." Colette took the computer with her remaining hand and entered in the information. "You better spend it very quickly if you wish to enjoy it."

Bryce picked up the computer and checked the account. "It was a pleasure finally doing business with you Colette."

"So where is the cube?"

"Elza's girls have it," Bryce said. "If you want us to retrieve it, we'll have to demand a payment for that job up front given your previous history."

Colette stood up, Doug still keeping his sword on her. "Can I go now?"

"Yes. We have no more use for you."

Lulu came in through the broken door, stepping over the dead bodies. She had painted on a black nose and whiskers to go with her two black eyes. "Someone parked a flaming wreck out front." She turned to see Colette. "Oh, hey, you. Hope you keep Hellbender in mind for your future mercenary needs." Lulu pulled out a gun, shot Colette in the face, and kicked her hard, sending Colette out what remained of the shattered window.

"That was a little excessive," Doug commented.

Lulu shrugged. "Well, we were done with her, right?"

Doug glanced out the window. "So she'll survive that?"

"In a way," Bryce said, "and she will be really pissed." He picked up the walkie-talkie that was hidden under a pillow on the bed and said into, "Nice shooting, Charlene."

"Any idea why Lara gave us the heads up on this?" she asked in response.

"Women are crazy; I don't try to figure them out."

Lulu leaned out the window and looked down to the street. "Oh, she's getting up." She then screamed at the top of her lungs, "DON'T MESS WITH HELLBENDER, BITCH!" She turned to Bryce. "So we better be a few hundred miles away from here by the end of the day, or we're like super extra dead, right?"

"Yeah, we're pretty much on the run again -- but this time with money."

"And you don't think Dammon is going to hunt us down?" Charlene asked over the radio.

"We're too insignificant to care about and taken too little money to worry over." Bryce smiled. "That's why we're awesome."

"Insignificant but awesome!" Lulu pumped her fist in the air. "Go team Hellbender!"

Doug sheathed his sword and put the sheath in his belt. He wasn't happy about killing people, but he had to admit it was pretty awesome when he cut off Colette's hand (which seemed to have disappeared as he couldn't seen any evidence of it in the room). Also, now they had enough money that he not only could get nachos whenever he wanted, he could get guacamole on them even if that cost extra. It was a good feeling. Still, something nagged at him. "Anyone wonder what exactly everyone wants that cube for?"


Rating: 2.6/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (8) | Hellbender Take Two
Hillary and MLK
Posted by Frank J. at 02:32 PM | Email This

I've seen a clip on TV where Hillary claimed today when she found out as college student that MLK was assassinated, she was so upset she threw a bag across her dorm room.

What do you think is the possibility of that having any truth to it?

It's such a minor thing, but if she'd blatantly lie about something that could be checked, i.e., the Bosnian sniper fire, don't we have to assume that when she talks about an incident that's even longer ago and is completely unverifiable, that it probably has no basis in reality unless she can actually back it up with some video evidence or something?

Rating: 2.3/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (21)
Posted for No Reason
Posted by Frank J. at 01:23 PM | Email This

The end of the original Superman was kinda stupid though.

As was the rest of it.

Rating: 2.1/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (7)
Why 3 A.M.?
Posted by Frank J. at 10:23 AM | Email This

I'm starting to get suspicious about how Hillary plans to conduct all her business at 3 A.M. Why is she going to wait until everyone is asleep before she does anything? What is she planning on hiding? What evil machinations will she be up to while our children sleep?

I say we demand our presidents do business at normal business hours. Check and balances and all that.

Rating: 2.8/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (22)
April 03, 2008
Posted by Cadet Happy at 11:27 PM | Email This


Rating: 2.8/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (22)
Hillary's Pastor
Posted by Frank J. at 02:02 PM | Email This

Apparently, Hillary's Pastor approves of Jeremiah Wright, which bring the odd question of, "Hillary has a pastor?"

That's an odd concept? What does he preach about? How Jesus was too dismissive of Satan's reasonable offer of power and wealth? I just assumed that, unless a church was constantly carping on God for being too intolerant and bigoted, Hillary would storm out of there in protest.

Then again, as I've said before, I just have trouble wrapping my head around the concept of liberal Christians. I've heard some liberals argue that Jesus is a liberal, but if that's true, then why do liberals hate Him and His teachings so much?

Rating: 2.9/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (27)
Frank Idea for a McCain 3 A.M. Ad
Posted by Frank J. at 12:21 PM | Email This

The phone rings, waking President McCain. Groggily, he answers it. "Hello?"

"Mr. President. There is a foreclosure crisis. We need action now."

McCain looks at the clock. It's 3 A.M. "Are you psychotic?"

"This is very important."

"Who is doing business at his hour?"

"We can't wait for a decision on what to do."

"It's 3 A.M.! What the hell can we do right now?!"

"We need to make a plan."

"Are honestly telling me you didn't find out there was a problem with foreclosures until right now?"

"Well... I found out earlier today. I forgot to tell you until now."

"I will strangle you!"

"That won't help the foreclosure crisis."

"Do you have a family? I will murder your family and make you watch!"

"That seems a bit extreme."

"It's 3 A.M.! You do not wake me with crap like this at this hour!"

JOHN MCCAIN: Ready to answer the call appropriately at 3 A.M.

Rating: 2.5/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (25)
Ask al-Zawahri!
Posted by Harvey at 11:12 AM | Email This

Last year, Osama's cabana boy Ayman al-Zawahri asked terrorists, journalists, and terrorist sympathizers (pardon the redundancy) to submit questions that he promised to answer and which Al-Qaeda's media arm will post to jihadist forums.

Well, the questions are in, and the answers will hit the web shortly. In an IMAO exclusive, I was able to get a sneak peek at the results in exchange for a frolicsome goat and an edible burka:

"It only LOOKS like you're pulling. You actually have to SQUEEZE the milk out of the teat."

Q: Dude, why do you have a camel testicle on your forehead?

A: That's a zabiba, or "prayer bump". Basically a scar from repeatedly knocking my head against the ground during my 5-times daily prayers. It's also a sign that I don't check for rocks before laying down my prayer mat.

Q: Is is spelled "muslim" or "moslem"?

A: "Terrorist"

Q: Is Osama still alive?

A: I can say without hesitation that if any parts of Osama are not a fading red stain on a wall in Tora Bora, then they are alive.

Q: How sure are you that that voice in your head telling you to kill people is actually Allah and not, say, a tumor?

A: As sure as I am that Osama is still alive.

Q: What's the proper way to wage Jihad?

A: First, get a God. Preferrably an angry one. Then form a religion around him. Give it a hip & trendy name that plays off a popular Apple product. iSlam, for example. Then follow the directions of your religion's important holy men, or iMams. Consider renaming your holy war iJhad for the sake of consistency. Then kill, kill, kill!

Q: Why do Jews make you so irritable?

A: Any race capable of producing Fran Drescher deserves extermination.

Q: The internet was invented by the infidel Al Gore. Aren't you committing a sin against Allah by using Crusader technology?

A: You shut up!

Q: Which Muslim holiday is holier? Eid ul-Fitr or Eid ul-Adha?

A: Hitler's birthday.

Q: Is global warming real?

A: It will be once Iran gets nukes.

Q: We miss the Iraqi information minister. Could you please hire him as your spokesman?

A: Are you nuts? The man was a pathological liar with sub-zero credibility! It'd be like using the New York Times!

Q: Don't you think the object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his?

A: Patton was a stupid infidel! Allah says that the only way to win this war is to have as many dead terrorists as possible. Or was that Rumsfeld?

Q: Why haven't you attacked America since 9/11?

A: America is simply too strong to target right now. However, we hope that will change soon [wink, wink].

Anything YOU'D like to ask the Zaw-meister?

Rating: 2.0/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (32)
April 02, 2008
A Story, Bit by Bit
Hellbender: Chapter 13 - Perception of Power
Posted by Frank J. at 05:03 PM | Email This


"Hello, Doug."

Doug was once again seated in darkness with the Devil across from him. "Oh. Hey, Stan." He looked around a bit. "Do we always have to meet here?"

"No distractions; I prefer it that way."

"Okay. So, you heard what happened?"

The Devil smiled. "I am nearly omniscient. I am privy to every thought that any human has ever had."

"Really? You like know everything?" A thought struck him. "Like, do you know what dinosaurs actually looked like?"

"Anything in this universe that doesn't involve humanity is of no concern to me."

"Oh." Another, better thought struck Doug. "So do you know who my parents were?"

The Devil's face turned serious. "They died for a cause they believe in, like many many others have throughout history. There is nothing I can tell you about them that will be of any help to you."

"Still, I'd like to know."

"I'm here to help you help yourself, Doug; I'm not here for your whims."

For the first time, Doug was growing a bit tired of the Devil. "I don't know what you want from me. Right now, me and my friends barely have money to eat, so I'm not sure how I'm going to fight powerful armies and gods, if that's what you're expecting."

"It's not what I'm expecting; it's what I know is possible. I can't see the future with certainty -- not with free will interfering -- but I can see the possible futures. Each time you make a choice in life, those possible futures narrow down. I still see one where you lead the way to righting this world, and I will do my best to help you make the choices to make it your present."

"Can't you just tell me what to do?"

The Devil smiled. "No. I'm afraid that wouldn't work."

Doug sighed. "You know, for someone claiming to be so powerful, it doesn't seem like you can do very much."

"I'll give you a little piece of information: Being nearly infinitely powerful is just as close to infinitely powerful as it is to powerless. The good news is that these 'gods' you fear aren't measurably more powerful than you... from a certain perspective."

"What perspective would that be?"

"That of the Being of truly infinite power."

Doug wasn't quite as ready to be roped in again. "The god my parents worshipped... the super powerful guy I've seen even less from."

The Devil smiled. "I'm glad to see the skepticism, but the works of the one true God are visible to all but those who wish to be blind to them."

"I don't even know what that means. Anyway, we don't have the cube anymore -- which I guess you know -- so if that was needed to somehow fight the Transcendents, well... that's not happening."

"For the time being, it's good enough that you know the cube is out there; events are already in motion because of it." The Devil was quiet for a moment, seeming to be in thought. "Let me try and give you some useful advice, though. You focus too much on where you are weak and where your opponents are strong. Try to think of where you are strong."

That was a hard one. "I'm okay with a sword."

"That's something. Also, those you fear: Where are they weak?"

"Well, with the Hallowed..." Doug thought about it. "Well, all I've ever met are kinda jerks, so I guess people don't like them. I guess that's a weakness."

"It's a start. And what of their masters, the Transcendents?"

"I've only really ever seen them from a far... and I guess that's just a projection of them..." Doug was thinking his hardest, but not much was coming. "They're at war with each other, so I guess they don't get along very well... I don't see how that helps me, though."

"It's enough for now that you at least begin to deconstruct how powerful you believe them to be," the Devil said. "Until we meet again, why don't you continue to look for their weaknesses."

"I really don't think I'm the person for this."

The Devil looked quite serious again. "It doesn't matter what you think, Doug. As I say, I can see many possible futures, and in all of them you will come into conflict with the Transcendents. The only variable is whether you are prepared or not."

This finally seemed like some new information the Devil had given Doug, but somehow Doug already knew it.

* * * *

Colette sat in the back office of the warehouse perusing the lists of recent acquirements and deciding where to move them for various uses and black markets. It was basically accounting and her favorite part of the job as it didn't require interaction with any people. Not needing sleep, she had been busy at it throughout the night while most of her men slept. She loved the quiet.

Colette felt some hands caress her, and she slowly turned around, "Dammon, I am honored with your presence."

Dammon always took the human form of an attractive man. His features were young, but his eyes were very wise. He enjoyed the physical pleasures of the world more than the power struggles of his kin, and thus seemed to have more of a like of humanity than Colette who was eager to know more of what lay beyond this universe's dimensions. "This is but a quick visit to see if you've noticed anything out of the ordinary as of late."

"Why? What's been happening?"

He paced a bit as if in thought -- a very convincing imitation of being an actual human. "I've noticed some erratic behavior among the other Transcendents. I think there is more behind the attack on Shride than Serpine trying to display her power. Have you heard anything about this?"

Colette remembered the idiots from the other day, and hesitated to mention them... but, having thought of them, Dammon probably already knew. "Some Children today tried to sell me some cube with bunnies on it claiming it was something Serpine, Asmod, and Elza were all after."

"Bunnies?" He pretended to be thinking again. "It was a small metal cube?"

"Yes. It looked metal... nothing much to it other than the bunnies. The Children seemed to think there was something special to it that should have been obvious."

Dammon looked her in the eyes quite intensely. "Do you have it?"

"I didn't see any point to it. Those Children just seemed to have stumbled upon it and were hoping it was valuable... but it appeared worthless."

"Go get it. Immediately. Others might be after it, but we need it first."

"But what--" Colette realized she wasn't talking to anything. She didn't see him disappear; it was just like he was never there in the first place. She had her instructions, so there was nothing left to discuss.

Colette walked out of the office to see some of her men playing a card game while others were still resting. She quickly spotted Lara who was sitting on a crate reading a book. She despised Lara, but she was useful. Of course, that was the best she could say of any of them. "Those idiot Children from last night; you know where they are?"

"Yes; it's in the report I gave you on them. They're just squatting in an apartment building if they haven't moved on yet."

"You four." She pointed to four of her men playing cards. "Take me to them."

One of her female employees ran into the warehouse, her face pale white. "Craig and... Raul... they were... I found them..."

It took a lot of temperance for Colette not to kill someone every few minutes. "Spit it out!"

"They're ripped apart! There's blood everywhere by the dock! I..." She paused for a moment, and turned to her side and threw up.

Loch. This was how he communicated, and this was simply a warning not to get in his way. She didn't understand how he did it, though, as agreements between the Transcendents should have made it impossible for him to directly touch any of Dammon's people. Colette was a little unnerved, but Dammon wasn't going to accept excuses. Humans were panicky things, though, and she knew she'd have to diffuse this to avoid a mutiny. All the people there looked scared... except for Lara who had gone back to reading her book. "I did that," Colette told them. "I had my reasons."

"Why?" the woman asked, looking quite scared and befuddled.

"I don't have time to explain myself. Now get back to whatever the hell you're supposed to be doing or you're next." She walked past the woman to exit the warehouse. "Now, I believe some of us were going somewhere. Have your guns ready."


Rating: 2.1/5 (24 votes cast)

Comments (6) | Hellbender Take Two
Why Are We Still Arguing This?
Posted by Frank J. at 03:48 PM | Email This

We have 39 states with right to carry. Right to carry has been around for decades. Yet, opponents of people being armed make the same stupid arguments speculating that arming people will cause "Wild West" shootouts and other crazy things.


I have a couple words for people still arguing against arming law-abiding citizens:


You've been saying the same thing for countless @#$% years every time some new law to allow gun rights is mentioned, and with 39 @#$% states with right to carry, you'd think that if your @#$% assumptions about how people will @#$% react when law-abiding citizens are armed had even the slightest basis in @#$% reality, you'd have tons of examples by now of this @#$% "Wild West" and people just randomly @#$% shooting each other that you seem to think will happen.


It's over. No more arguing. 39 states. Nothing you have said has ever come true. You are wrong. Never ever speak on this issue again, as you've proven you're completely retarded on it.

Just had to get that off my chest.

Rating: 2.1/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (89)
Frank Idea on Convincing People About Global Warming
Posted by Frank J. at 02:13 PM | Email This

If people arguing that there is global warming want to convince more people, they should use this argument: Say global warming makes people dumber and use themselves as examples.

BELIEVER OF GLOBAL WARMING: Haven't you noticed how people arguing that there is global warming have become dumber and shriller in recent years? That's because global warming is real and makes people stupid!


BELIEVER: So you're going to deny that my side has gotten mysteriously dumber?

DISBELIEVER: No... I guess I have to cede you the point.

And the argument is won!

Rating: 2.3/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Is Pizza Worth Dying For? Pizza Hut Seems to Think So *UPDATED and bumped*
Posted by Frank J. at 01:23 PM | Email This

This story I found through Hot Air angered me unlike any in a while. A pizza delivery man defended himself from armed robbery with a gun, and Pizza Hut has suspended their employee for this act of defense (not fired -- yet -- but they have fired people for this before). Now this is almost standard stupidity you kinda just get used to, but then there was this quote in the article:

Vonnie Walbert, vice president of human resources at Pizza Hut’s corporate offices in Dallas, said last week that employees are not allowed to carry guns “because we believe that that is the safest for everybody.”

Now, this got me imagining what was the actual discussion of this issue at Pizza Hut corporate offices. Since pizza delivery men are often sent into bad neighborhoods with big signs basically saying they have money on them, they are frequent targets for robbery. I wish I had some statistics (I'm sure Pizza Hut does), but I know I've seen plenty of stories through the years of pizza delivery men being killed. Anyway, the "safest for everybody" claim is obvious BS and I don't think Pizza Hut believes it (I've certainly seen no statement from them on what magical process they think their employees can be kept safe in these situations). To me, the only way they could come to the "no defense" conclusion for their employees is that they weighed possible bad publicity from their delivery men being killed versus possible bad publicity from incidents like this. They concluded no one is going to care about dead pizza delivery men, but some people, out of irrational fear, might not order a pizza if they hear that the delivery men could be armed.

So, I realized there are actually people at Pizza Hut who believe dead employees are better than possible bad publicity, and I was pissed off.

Really, in America, should anyone be able to hold that position and not be shamed from polite society? Self-defense is a right -- just like speech -- where anytime you give an inch, there are big consequences. Luckily, recent years show we can push things back up the slippery slope as more and more states have recognized the right to carry. The next step is businesses, because the backwards thinking that defenseless people are better has to go. As for the completely ghoulish thinking that recognizes that unarmed employees are at risk but any alternative could hurt business, that has no place in a civilized country.


Please don't go in the comments and argue that if the pizza delivery men had guns, that would cause an escalation of violence. If people carrying guns caused more shootouts, you'd have numerous examples of that happening in the thirty-nine states that allows right to carry. It's a settled issue, and believing that law-abiding carrying guns causes more violence is as tenable a stance in the face of the facts as believing the earth is flat. When its known a group is armed, people tend not to rob them; that should be pretty simple to understand.

Ed Morrisey has more on the deaths Pizza Hut finds to be an acceptable part of its business.


Pizza Hut could try and turn this into a neat ad. List all the people killed and injured delivering their pizza followed by, "Is any pizza worth the risk of human life? It is, if it's OUR NEW STUFF CRUST PIZZA!"

Rating: 2.2/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (61)
America Offers Al Gore $300 Million to Shut Up
Posted by Harvey at 11:44 AM | Email This

NASHVILLE, Tenn. (AP) — Former Vice President Al Gore announced a $300 million, 3-year public advocacy campaign called "We" to educate the American public about global warming and urge solutions from elected officials. The American public responded by offering Gore $300 million if he would "please just shut the hell up".

"youcanshutupnow.org seeks a practical solution to Gore-ful warnings"

The first ad of Gore's campaign tells viewers that Americans didn't wait to storm the beaches of Normandy in World War II, or to overcome segregation or to put the first man on the moon. "We need to act now" to solve the climate crisis, the ad says, and refers viewers to www.wecansolveit.org.

America's response campaign, dubbed "You", will feature an ad telling Gore that fighting Hitler, landing on the moon, and overcoming segregation weren't wacky pseudo-religions based on bad science and an insatiable lust for political power, and refers the Nobel laureate to www.youcanshutupnow.org.

"When politicians hear the American people calling loud and clear for change, they'll listen," Gore said in a statement. He will provide some of the initial funding through proceeds of his Oscar-winning climate change documentary "An Inconvenient Truth" and his Nobel Prize.

"No matter how loudly and clearly you talk to Al Gore, he just won't listen," said Cathy Zoi, chief executive officer of the You Campaign. "I've even tried speaking slowly and using small words, like you would to a slow child or a smart chihuahua, but it's like English is a language Gore took one semester of 20 years ago and now only uses when he wants to impress his date at a restaurant. We're hoping America's $300 million is enough to get him to stop prattling his ignorance in that semi-retarded Sling Blade voice of his."

A major focus of "We" will be TV and print advertising campaign and online social networking outreach, said Gore. While there have been advocacy campaigns before, "we've never had these kinds of resources to get into people's living rooms," he said. "Americans watch 4 1/2 hours of television a day."

"I only get 4 1/2 hours a day to watch TV," said Zoi, "and I'll be damned if I'm going to waste it watching some washed-up ex-hippie preach to me about my environmental responsibilities from the comfort of his 10,000 square foot energy-Godzilla mansion."

Rating: 2.4/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (13) | Newsish Fakery
The Legend of Zelda the Movie?
Posted by Frank J. at 01:48 AM | Email This

Is this an extremely elaborate April Fools joke? If so, I have to applaud them for the commitment to not put in any obvious tells. I mean, they worked hard to make it seem just like how Hollywood would try and adapt that material.

But it's a joke, right?

Rating: 3.0/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (19)
April 01, 2008
Ron Paul: Ron Paul - "Ron Paul"
Posted by Frank J. at 08:20 PM | Email This

Ron paul ron paul ron paul? Ron paul ron paul ron paul; ron paul ron paul -- ron paul ron paul. Ron paul ron paul, "Ron paul ron paul." Ron paul ron (ron paul ron paul) paul ron paul?

Ron Paul!

Ron paul ron paul ron paul:

* Ron Paul: Ron paul ron paul ron paul ron paul.

* Ron Paul: Ron paul ron paul ron "paul" ron paul; ron paul ron paul.

* Ron Paul: Ron paul ron paul ron paul:

RON PAUL: Ron paul ron paul ron paul.

RON PAUL: Ron paul ron paul?

RON PAUL: (ron paul) Ron paul ron paul!



Ron paul ron paul ron paul ron paul ron paul. Ron paul: Ron paul ron paul ron paul?


Rating: 2.8/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (52) | Ron Paul, Ron Paul, Ron Paul
It Happens
Posted by Frank J. at 05:08 PM | Email This

Since articles about female bloggers and links to celebrities in bikinis always got more traffic, John Hawkins has changed his URL. It's true gossip sites get more traffic than political ones and I have thought of making the leap myself, but it just feels so dirty. Anyway, I wish him good luck; in the end, it's just business.


Rating: 2.1/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (2)
This Is Why We Love Liberals
Posted by Frank J. at 02:05 PM | Email This

Here's a video interview of Harry Reid arguing that taxation is voluntary. Watch as he scrunches his dumb monkey face at the concept that anyone would think otherwise.

To be fair, though, taxation is about as voluntary as breathing.

(hat tip Hot Air)

Rating: 2.4/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (15)
John McCain's New Ad
Posted by Frank J. at 01:32 PM | Email This

I don't know. McCain's life story is great and quite a contrast to Obama, but I think he really needs to put out some more ads focusing on policy.

(from Red State)

Rating: 2.6/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Out of the Shadows
Posted by Frank J. at 01:05 PM | Email This

Have you seen Karl Rove now that he's a pundit on on FOX News? He's kind of goofy but amiable. A couple times I've seen him bring a visual aide like a piece of paper with a graph on it that he printed out himself or a little white board on which he scribbled some numbers. He just needs to wear a bow tie to complete his look as a total policy geek. It's hard to believe that liberals think this is the guy who has been secretly rounding up dissenters at Gitmo and harvesting their souls to fuel his warbot death machine.

Then again, liberals do keep mysteriously disappearing, and soldiers in Cuba keep reporting that they hear strange mechanical howling out in the woods.

Rating: 2.5/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (6)
In My World: George W. Bush in "Time for Adventure"
Posted by Frank J. at 12:07 PM | Email This

"Playing darts is fun!" President Bush threw another dart out the window.

"Shouldn't we have a dart board?" Dick Cheney asked.

"Only if you're a stickler for playing by the official rules." Bush threw a dart at a potted plant.

"AIEEE! A shiny man!"
An aide ran into the office. "There's a crisis in the Middle East! You need to take this phone call!"

"No," Bush responded. "If you check the schedule, right now is dart time. You'll have schedule that in for later or it won't be fair to the darts."


"I said later!" Bush threw a dart at the aide who scurried off.

There was a flash of light and then a strange craft appeared in the middle of the Oval Office. Out of it emerged a man in metallic clothes. "I come from the future to warn you of--"

"AIEEE! A shiny man!" Bush exclaimed. He then pulled out a gun and shot the man dead.

"You idiot; that was a man from the future," Cheney said.

"How do you know?"

"It's a well known fact that people from the future wear shiny clothing. He was probably here to warn us of an impending disaster."

Bush hung his head. "Well, I feel stupid." He looked back up. "Anyway, we have a time machine; let's kill Hitler!"

"Sure; why not. I'm not doing anything this afternoon."

* * * *

Bush and Cheney waited near a house in 1905 Austria. "Should Hitler be here?" Cheney asked.

"He should be here or I'm going to need to correct his article on Wikipedia," Bush replied.

A teenager came out of the house. "Kill him!" Bush shouted an opened fire. "Pepper his face, Dick!"

"Die!" Cheney yelled as he fired his shotgun.

"Mein Leben!" Hitler yelled as he was ripped apart by bullets.

"Yay!" Bush exclaimed. "We killed teenage Hitler!"

"That was Hitler? I was just shooting him because he was a teenager."

Bush checked his watch. "Killing Hitler was tons of fun, but it's about lunchtime in one hundred and three years. We better get back."

* * * *

With a flash, the time machine appeared back in the Oval Office. "So, can killing people in the past have unintended consequences in the future?" Bush asked Cheney.

"No. That only happens when you kill butterflies."

There was shouting from outside the White House. "Oh no; protesters!" Bush went to window to look. One was holding up a sign that said, "Bush = Van Houtte."

"Who is Van Houtte?" Bush asked.

One of Bush's aides walked into the Oval Office. "Jean Van Houtte was a Belgium Prime Minister in the 1950's. He had a very tepid response to their recession, and thus is widely considered the worst politician of the past one hundred years. It's not very flattering to be compared to him... though I think to compare anyone you don't like to him is to belittle the travesty of how mediocre his reaction was to that financial near-crisis."

"You hear that, Dick?" Bush exclaimed, "We've changed the future so people don't even know of genocidal dictators."

"Yes, the world has been very peaceful for some time," the aide said. "It all started about the time some teenager was brutally murdered in Austria after the turn of the last century. Anyway, you have to get ready for your speech at the World Trade Center which still exists."

"Woo hoo!" Bush turned to Cheney. "We're time traveling heroes!"

"Whatever," Cheney said. "Let's go back in time and kill more people."

There were screams outside. Bush looked out the window to see the protesters being torn apart by fifty foot tall gorillas with robot parts. "Uh... what are they?"

"Those are the cybernetically enhanced gorillas that really rule the planet," the aide explained. "When they saw humanity was weak from not being involved in any large wars, they decided to take over."

"Oh no!" Bush turned to Cheney. "We've changed the future for the worse by killing Hitler!"

Cheney shrugged. "How do you know it's worse? We're only seeing one side of the cyborg gorillas."

"You're right." Bush looked at his aide. "So, what is the general opinion on them?"

"People never seem to complain about them," he said. "Then again, if you complain, they eat you."

"So its hard to tell, then." Bush thought for a moment. "Well, best not to overreact and go off unkilling Hitler willy-nilly. So, do I have time to watch CSI: Miami off of the DVR before we go to New York? It should have recorded last night, and I really want to find out if Horatio says something mysterious while putting on his sunglasses."

The aide looked at Bush like he was insane. "What are you talking about?"

"CSI: Miami. It comes on Monday nights."

"No. It comes on Friday nights. It's always aired on Friday nights."

"But that's a horrible time slot for it!" Bush turned to Cheney and grabbed him by his suit coat. "We've caused a dystopian future! We have to go back and stop ourselves from killing Hitler!"

"That sounds boring. Want to go fishing instead?"

Bush paused for a second. "Yeah. Let's go fishing."

Rating: 2.3/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (8) | In My World
lolterizt! Part 41
Posted by Harvey at 11:19 AM | Email This

Good news! I cleared out a good chunk of backlog, so there's room for more entries. Let 'em fly.

Meanwhile, once again, pass 'em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don't be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.

First, one I forgot to put in lolprotstrz!:
dead got better.jpg

capture golden snitch.jpg
[reference link]

islam do not want.jpg

seed spitting contest.jpg

sky shoot.jpg


From 5minutes:

Two from Xaetognath:
Gaza vogue.jpg
[reference link]

iz rly stck.jpg

Two from acrazymic:

own hostage.jpg

From Erik Wit:


#1: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won't end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and - if they aren't obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don't suck too terribly bad - I'll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

Rating: 1.8/5 (27 votes cast)

Comments (1) | lolterizt
Dating a Conservative, Female Blogger
Posted by Frank J. at 08:42 AM | Email This

John Hawkins did interviews with conservative female bloggers on dating. Ace has responded, calling them all liars.

I bet this is of interest to a lot of geeky, conservative blog readers wondering how they can date a female conservative blogger. Since I married one, they're probably wondering how I did it.

Simple: I'm awesome. So how can you be awesome like me? You can't. You suck. I'm not here to lie to you to make you feel better; the fact is you will never be anywhere as awesome as me. But you can read about how awesome I am, so at least feel lucky there.

Rating: 2.2/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (15)
Reminder: Frank J. in the News
Posted by Frank J. at 01:08 AM | Email This

Remember to get a copy of USA Today in the morning so you can see my first ever professional column (sharing a byline with Jonah Goldberg -- so it's kinda like with training wheels). This isn't an April Fools joke -- or, if it is, it's on me and its very mean.

Actually, a good April Fools joke would be to comment here in the morning that you got a copy of the paper and you looked all through it but couldn't find my column. Then I'd be heartbroken. Then you could shout, "April Fools!" and we'd share a good laugh.

But secretly I'd hate you. I've always hated you.


Here's a link to it for those too cheap to buy a paper. You're the reason for our sluggish economy.


You're probably wondering how this came about. Well, here was the conversation through e-mail:

JONAH GOLDBERG: I want to plagiarize you again.

FRANK J.: Well, it's already well established that I can't stop you.

JONAH: Yeah, but I want something new that you haven't published before and I want it exclusive.

FRANK J.: I'm not going to give you new material like that!

JONAH: Come on! I really need something to plagiarize! You'll even get paid and get credit!

FRANK J.: I don't think that's plagiarism, then. I think that means we'd be co-authoring a piece.

JONAH: Don't give me your jibber-jabber! Just send me something before I send Derbyshire over to break your legs! He has experience at being a thug, you know!

Rating: 3.0/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (33)

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