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May 30, 2008
Scott McClellan's Bad Stuff 'Bout Bush
Posted by Frank J. at 10:05 AM | Email This

Scott McClellan has a new book out called Bad Stuff 'Bout Bush or something similar that is an unflattering tell all about the Bush administration. Being an important blogger, I already got a copy and here are some of the more damaging allegations in it:


* President Bush mislead the country about Iraq.

* He would often give people unflattering nicknames, like how he called Scott McClellan "Tubby Tubberson Who Is Tubby and I Hate Him".

* Was insensitive about the hurricane Katrina tragedy.

* Put dead fish in Scott McClellan's car.

* Used Scott McClellan to lie about the outing of Valerie Plame.

* On numerous occasions put Scott McClellan in a trash can and rolled him down a hill.

* Had political opponents disappeared.

* Once used a permanent marker to put a mustache on Scott McClellan while he was napping just before a press conference.

* Plotted to blow up an orphanage on the behest of big oil.

* Kept tying Scott McClellan shoe laces together.

* Talked about going to the National Archive and destroying the Constitution so no one would no whether or not he was violating it.

* Always made fun of Scott McClellan's tie.

* Razed a village in South America to make way for condos he never ended up building.

* Whenever he got bored, he'd order his Secret Service to "beat up Scott McClellan for being fat."

* Wasted a month of his administration seeking the lost city of gold.

* Would often spray Scott McClellan's path with a water bottle to make it look like he wet himself.

* Thought of selling America to buy another baseball franchise.

* Kept eating Scott McClellan's lunch even though it was clearly marked.

This all certainly looks bad for the Bush Administration, and President Bush has dismissed the charges in the book as "stuff written by a fat guy that everyone hates."

Rating: 2.4/5 (34 votes cast)

Comments (40)
May 29, 2008
Other Stupid Things Obama Has Said
Posted by Frank J. at 01:04 PM | Email This

Obama has said a lot of stupid things lately. Here's a list of some other stupid things he's said that aren't getting much press coverage:

* "Bush doesn't care about China because it's full of black people."

* "We don't have to worry about the cost of my federal programs because at my last visit to Long John Silver's I got a map to pirate treasure."

* "I'm running for mayor of the U.S.!"

* "Countries in the Middle East don't like the Jews since they took for themselves the largest country."

* "My favorite type of pie is devil's food."

* "My grandfather was a ninja turtle."

* "My middle name will help me in foreign affairs because it will make other countries think I have a bushy mustache."

* "Ow! Fire hot!"

* "I do."

People also reportedly thought they heard Obama misidentify Minneapolis as a state, but he actually said nothing stupid at that time. He was just misheard since his head was stuck in a bucket.

Rating: 2.4/5 (40 votes cast)

Comments (22)
A Better Idea Is to Stop Them from Thinking
Posted by Frank J. at 11:09 AM | Email This

I thought we had gone over this already. Isn't on of Issac Asimov's three laws of robotics "Don't ever do what a monkey tells you to do."? And now we're going to have robots doing what monkeys think? Do we even make robots evil enough to process monkey thoughts?

I've long queried whether our future will be like in the movie Terminator or like in the movie The Planet of the Apes. It seems we are moving towards both at once. If that happens, I'm going to push things so they end up like Omega Man, and don't think I won't.

Rating: 2.0/5 (37 votes cast)

Comments (22)
Ron Paul, President of Idaho?
Posted by Frank J. at 09:02 AM | Email This

In the Idaho Republican primary Tuesday, Ron Paul actually got 24% of the vote -- something that would be quite a respectable showing were it a four way race and not already over. I guess it is kind of a slight against McCain, but I don't know who would really bother to vote in a decided presidential race except those who want to protest the result. And crazy people.

Anyway, Ron Paul now has tens of delegates to match McCain's thousands, and he plans to use them to win himself the presidency and usher on the rEVOLution. Here's the plan:

Phase 1: Secure a meager amount of delegates.
Phase 2: Come to the Republican National Convention and demand to be heard.
Phase 3: Realize no one is hearing you.
Phase 4: Shout that you will not be ignored.
Phase 5: Be ignored.
Phase 6: Knock over a chair in defiance of the system.
Phase 7: Head back to room at Motel 6.
Phase 8: Drink lots of cheap booze.
Phase 9: ?
Phase 10: Become president and reduce the size of the federal government until it can be run out of a kiosk at the mall.

This plan seems a lot more dynamic when Ronulans tell people about it because the replace the '?' from Phase 9 with "RON PAUL!"

Rating: 2.6/5 (39 votes cast)

Comments (69) | Ron Paul, Ron Paul, Ron Paul
May 28, 2008
A Story, Bit by Bit
Hellbender: Chapter 29 - Hope
Posted by Frank J. at 05:02 PM | Email This


"Is someone in the toilet?" The toilet didn't have regular plumbing, and just seemed to Doug to be a hole like an outhouse.

"No. I am in another cell. I found I can sometimes talk to the others through the toilet."

The voice had a bit of an accent. "Others? Is that weirdo trying to destroy the souls of other people too?"

"Ronove is very evil. I think there are maybe a dozen of us he does experiments on."

"Last Children like me?"

"Yes. It is hard to talk with each other, but I try to find ways. We must not give up hope. My name is Chimezie."

"That's a weird name." One Doug didn't think he'd be able to remember. "I'm Doug."

"Why were you shouting earlier?"

"I'm just tired of the Devil bothering me."

"That is good to hear. Too many are accepting of the Devil."

Now the toilet had Doug's full attention. "The Devil talks to other people?"

"He tries to infect all minds."

"Then why did I get singled out and brought here? He just came to be in a dream, started talking to me about how there is this power out there that watches over me, and --"

"Wait. The Devil told you about God?" Chi-something sounded confused.

"Yeah. Like what the people used to believe in. The dead people."

There was a brief pause. "I'm not sure we're talking about the same Devil. He is very evil."

"Well, this one seems like just more of a big jerk. I thought he was helpful at first, trying to say its actually possible to fight the Trans. Now I got captured and brought here just for listening to him. Why were you sent here?"

"Not for talking to the Devil. I was imprisoned for talking about Jesus."

Doug had heard the name before, but mainly as an exclamation. "That's some religious guy, right?"

"He is God's son. He gave his life on our behalf."

Though it was nice to have someone to talk to, but the feeling of nausea from the smell of the toilet wasn't helping the feeling of general unease from whatever Ronove did to him. "No offense, but I don't really believe in all that. If God is so powerful and whatnot, then He should do something about the Trans. Someone needs to kick their ass if they're locking people up and doing weird experiments to them."

"I pray every day for justice. I know my prayers will be answered. Nothing is impossible for God."

Doug wished he could just shut off his doubts and believe. "The creepy guy says prayers don't work anymore."

"He doesn't know what he talks about!" Chi-something answered quite sharply.

"Probably not... but I don't know anything either. I'm just hope my friends come rescue me soon."

"You have friends who would have the courage to come here?"

Doug thought about that for a bit. He knew they all got annoyed about him a lot, but he still could just not imagine them just leaving him. "Yeah. We're all we have."

"God must have really blessed you to give you such friends, then."

As horrible as things were now, they reminded of him of before he and three other kids formed they're own little group to belong to -- back when he had no one to turn to. He didn't know of prayer back then, but it still felt like a prayer had been answered. "Well, if they're coming for me, I guess I shouldn't give up my soul without a fight."

"I know you will not, Doug! I will keep you in my prayers, and I will tell the other about you. You are not alone here."

"Thanks... um... toilet-guy."


Doug tried to say that a couple of times in his head, but he lost grip of it pretty quickly. "I need to come up with a nickname for you."

* * * *

"So we're all in agreement that if we end up with millions again and once again Doug is captured, screw him?"

Lulu sighed. "That's not helpful, Bryce." Bryce, Charlene, and Lulu were in small room in one of Dammon's warehouses looking over the information Dammon had on Ronove's research lab. He had given them a basic plan to get in that relied on no one paying very good attention to regular security practices, and the three only had the rest of the day to come up with any ideas that might increase their chance of survival.

"Don't waste time," Brock said threateningly. He was one of Dammon's men who had more muscle than the three of them put together and pretty much said everything threateningly. "This is going down tomorrow no matter what, and don't think we're not well prepared for the likely possibility of you three failing."

"We could use our time better if we're left alone!" Charlene snapped at him. "You don't look like much of a strategic mind, so I don't see what you plan to contribute by hanging around us."

Brock backhanded Charlene, knocking her into a table. "I guess that is about all I'm good for." He left the room and closed to door.

Bryce walked over to help Charlene back up. "This is why we don't insult people larger than us."

"She's just as tired of all this crap as the rest of us." Lulu pounded her head against the keyboard. "Maybe we're looking at this wrong. If we're quite certain we're going to die in the next day or so, what do you want to do?"

"Kill as many assholes as possible," Bryce said. "Starting with everyone in the near vicinity." He turned to Charlene. "Happen to keep any guns on you we can use as a start towards a shooting spree?"

Charlene rubbed the bruise on her cheek. "I lost perspective for a moment. Let's not do anything stupid."

"But anything stupid is what we're best at," Lulu whined. "I just came up with five new stupid idea in like the past minute. One of them requires a gorilla costume that's at least semi-realistic looking."

A man started screaming outside the room, but the scream was soon cut off sharply and replaced by much more liquidy noise. There were more screams, but none of them lasted very long.

"Well, that's a promising." Bryce looked around the room for something to use as a weapon, but decided he didn't really care that much.

They all stood still for a second staring at the entrance to the room. Either they went out to see what it was or they stood there waiting for it to come to them. It was an easy choice.

Charlene threw open the door. Bryce then scrambled to close the door while his mind worked on repressing what he just saw.

"That was quite a lot of blood out there," Lulu commented.

"Not as disturbing as the chunkier stuff." Bryce moved a table in front of the door. "Things just keep getting better, don't they?"


Rating: 2.3/5 (40 votes cast)

Comments (6) | Hellbender Take Two
Why They Lost
Posted by Frank J. at 01:09 PM | Email This

It's nice to know it's not just our nitwits hand wringing over where things went wrong in Iraq; apparently terrorists in al Qaeda have for a while been trying to figure out where they went wrong and lost things in Iraq. I'm guessing things started to go downhill when they pissed off America. Or you could trace it back further to when al Qaeda decided to adopt insane religious beliefs. If they just stuck to their original charter of being an improv comedy troupe, al Qaeda would be doing much better today.

Rating: 2.6/5 (34 votes cast)

Comments (19)
Crackers for Obama
Posted by Frank J. at 11:06 AM | Email This

It's quite obvious Obama has a cracker problem. Apparently, crackers just won't vote for him for whatever cracker reasons they have. That's something his campaign will have to work on, and I have some suggestions for Obama:


* Don't call them honkeys. Crackers find that insulting.

* Change your name from the foreign sounding "Obama" to more familiar sounding "Alabama".

* Make sure there is plenty of mayo available at dinner fundraisers. Crackers love to slather everything in mayo.

* Learn to play the banjo.

* Use a pleasant tone of voice and don't make sudden arm movements so as not to startle the poor, dumb crackers.

* Don't make fun of their deeply held beliefs in front of rich people in San Francisco.

* Hand out free sunscreen at events so they can stay outside longer despite their pale cracker skin.

* If your preacher speaks at one of your events, ask him to insert some stuff about Jesus in his sermon so its not just all about how he hates crackers.

* Don't tell them they smell funny.

* Practice watching a dog run around in circles for hours so you can pretend to like NASCAR.

* Don't let it slip that you're secretly a Muslim. That'll scare the crackers!

* Tell them that though you're quite angry at them for making AIDS, you do admire how clever they are for that accomplisment.

* Make sure any music you play at campaign events has a pleasant melody so as not to make the crackers uncomfortable. And don't make fun of them if they start dancing.

* Try wearing a flag pin again. Crackers love America for some strange cracker reason.

Rating: 2.6/5 (32 votes cast)

Comments (34)
Random Thought
Posted by Frank J. at 09:05 AM | Email This

If we had a gun that could shoot straight through the earth, China would really fear us.

Rating: 2.7/5 (31 votes cast)

Comments (16)
May 27, 2008
Another One for the "Obama Is Kinda Stupid" File
Posted by Frank J. at 12:11 PM | Email This

From Obama's Memorial Day speech in New Mexico:

"On this Memorial Day, as our nation honors its unbroken line of fallen heroes -- and I see many of them in the audience here today -- our sense of patriotism is particularly strong."

So either he doesn't know what a fallen hero is or he has the sixth sense. If you believe the latter, why in the world would the military dead be attending an Obama rally? That's like a wookie living on Endor.

Rating: 2.2/5 (37 votes cast)

Comments (39)
Top Ten Great Things About John McCain
Posted by Frank J. at 11:02 AM | Email This

Conservatives don't seem so enthused with John McCain and kind of feel on the sidelines this election cycle. Still, things could be worse, so I thought I'd make a list of positive things about the Republican candidate:


10. Independents love him, so they must know something we don't with how smart they think they are.

9. Since he has military combat experience, instead of getting the tiresome chickenhawk argument from liberals, we'll get the newer, more interesting "being in the military made him crazy!" argument.

8. Reportedly, he's very conservative on social issues... though he never likes to admit it in public so don't bring it up.

7. He is very solid on winning in Iraq. In fact, the whole quitting on Vietnam thing pissed him off so much he'll to this day strangle anyone who brings it up.

6. There.s even less evidence he's secretly a Muslim than the next leading presidential candidate.

5. He is reportedly quite comfortable around crackers and honkeys.

4. He still openly identifies himself as a Republican.

3. His name is very similar to that of the hero from Die Hard.

2. There is no credible evidence he puts puppies in blenders.

And the number one great things about John McCain...


Rating: 2.2/5 (33 votes cast)

Comments (36)
Barely Veiled
Posted by Frank J. at 09:07 AM | Email This

I realize I never commented on the whole Hillary mentioning the assassination of Robert Kennedy brouhaha, but we're all in agreement that was basically her way of telling Obama to not to expect to outlive Ted, right?

Rating: 2.4/5 (34 votes cast)

Comments (12)
Three Day Weekend!
Posted by Frank J. at 08:04 AM | Email This

So what did you all do for Memorial Day Weekend? In honor of our military, I punched some hippies. I was going to punch more, but then these aliens landed and I was like, "Why you messing with me for punching hippies? Are you on their side?" So I took out a shotgun and killed all the aliens. Then the town gave me a medal for killing the aliens since as far as anyone knew, they were very evil. Then I got ice cream.

Rating: 2.3/5 (30 votes cast)

Comments (21)
May 24, 2008
Who Moved My Ham?
Posted by Frank J. at 09:18 PM | Email This

Mary Katharine Ham, blogger and O'Reilly's internet snitch, is leaving Townhall.com to join the Obama campaign. That seems like an odd move for her, but she gives some good reasons.

Also, she's changing the spelling of her middle name to the less controversial "Katherine".

Rating: 2.1/5 (36 votes cast)

Comments (12)
May 23, 2008
Random Thought
Posted by Frank J. at 11:09 AM | Email This

Know who would be a great choice for vice president? The Sun!

Rating: 2.3/5 (30 votes cast)

Comments (26)
Reject and Renounce
Posted by Frank J. at 09:04 AM | Email This

I got some more hate mail... this time from someone famous:

Dear IMAO,

I would like to formally reject and renounce your endorsement. I know you haven't yet endorsed me, but you're spineless and I figure it's coming. Well don't bother. Your site is weird and you're weird and we don't want the media drawing any connection between you and me. And what's with your "Random Thoughts"? I'm almost convinced you're mentally retarded.

So, I don't want you and I don't need you. You still are free to participate in my "Just Shut Up and Vote for Me" program I have for conservatives, though.

Senator John McCain

I'm guessing John Hawkins got a similar letter. So do you think I'll get invited to the next blogger conference call at least?

Rating: 2.3/5 (38 votes cast)

Comments (31) | I Hate Frank
May 22, 2008
Random Thought
Posted by Frank J. at 01:07 PM | Email This

When I'm working on my house, I like to pound the nails in with a large rock so I can pretend I'm a caveman working on his house.

Rating: 2.2/5 (36 votes cast)

Comments (22)
Bin Laden: Muslims Must Lead Relief Effort to Burma
Posted by Harvey at 12:02 PM | Email This

CAIRO, Egypt (AP) - In an audio tape posted on the internet, Al Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden said that Muslims across the world "must take action" to help the estimated 2.4 million Burmese affected by the tragic cyclone and subsequent flooding in Myanmar which left 125,000 people dead.

"No more talky-talk. Time to save some soggy Buddhists."

"Although our holy Jihad against Jews and infidels (may their stomachs roast in hell) is important," said Bin Laden, "even more important is the human tragedy in Burma. The Western nations natter and dither while innocents die because the Great Satan is indifferent to the fate of non-Christians. As Muslims, however, we do not have the luxury of indifference. Allah is a God of mercy and compassion. As his followers, we are compelled to be the instruments of that compassion."

"Many Muslim nations," continued Bin Laden, "are awash in oil wealth. In the name of Allah the all-giving and all-loving, we are obligated to use that wealth to the benefit of Allah's neediest children, no matter where they are, and even though they do not share our beliefs. There is a time for the sword, but there is also a time for the hand of mercy and charity to lift up those in their hour of greatest desperation. The decadent West has failed, and it is up to the world's Muslims to lift up the lamp of Islamic generosity to give hope to those who are now hopeless."

Surprisingly, the terrorist leader and most wanted man in the world has vowed to risk his own life to personally bring aid to the decimated areas of Burma. "Although I am not a prophet with the greatness of Mohammed (peace be upon him), I am still a man," said Al Qaeda's #1, "and my fellow man is crying in sorrow. I, myself, will lead an aid mission into Burma as a visible missionary of succor to this devastated nation, though it may mean having to dodge sniper fire like other emissaries of peace have done before me."

"I can only hope," concluded Bin Laden, "that the rest of the world will follow the Muslim example, set aside their petty squabbles, and do the right thing to save innocent lives."

Rating: 2.5/5 (37 votes cast)

Comments (12) | Newsish Fakery
Posted by Frank J. at 11:09 AM | Email This

So is anything going to get Hillary Clinton to finally drop out of the primary? It's like Obama could just fire a shotgun point blank into her and she'd just stand right back up and keep coming, hacking away at Obama's campaign staff with a machete. She once caused Jason Voorhees to exclaim in frustration, "Why won't she die?!" Hillary even recently vowed, "The only thing Obama will be president of is his own grave... upon which I shall dance! Muh ha ha ha!"

I have an idea for the Obama campaign: Have Hillary chase you through a series of tunnels until you can trap her and pour molten lead on her. Then pour water on her to cause her to rapidly cool and shatter. Or if while she's tearing you apart at on a campaign boat, see if you can get an oxygen tank caught in her mouth and shoot it, exploding her. Or back on her home turf, have her chase you onto the Brooklyn Bridge to get her entangled in the suspension cables and then hit her with an F-18 strike. Or you could poison her with lots of Head & Shoulders shampoo. Or get her to burrow after you and then use a stick of dynamite to trick her into flying off a cliff. And you can always try fire. Lots of fire. Or holy water.

But be careful if it looks like you finally got her, though. She'll grab you and try to make you fall of the building with her. Get that Rolex watch off and let her fall before she can get off one last shot.

Though, honestly, Obama, I think a noose hanging from the ceiling may be your only escape from her. Sorry, dude.

Rating: 2.4/5 (35 votes cast)

Comments (34)
Real Hope
Posted by Frank J. at 09:01 AM | Email This

Proof that everyone in the Democrat Party can one day get along.

Rating: 2.9/5 (33 votes cast)

Comments (15)
May 21, 2008
Hellbender Note
Posted by Frank J. at 11:21 PM | Email This

Been busy for me lately, so I'm having trouble finding time to sit down and write some more of Hellbender (plus regular blogging gets precedence). Also, these next parts are getting more complicated so its harder to just spit it all out. Still, I am really anxious to get back to it soon, and I promise to finish it this time.

You can use this comment section to speculate what happens next. I predict explosions!

Rating: 2.2/5 (36 votes cast)

Comments (15)
Top Ten Ways the Democrat National Convention Could Be Even Lamer
Posted by Frank J. at 12:07 PM | Email This

Apparently the Democrat National Convention, not being lame enough just by being full of Democrats, is also going to ban fried food, bottled water, and anything that isn't organic. And at the end of the event, they'll calculate your carbon footprint so you can offset it with the appropriate amount of magic beans. With all the racialness in their primary, it's still pretty obvious all the convention planning is being done by white people. It really sounds like they're just going to spend the convention sipping wheat grass juice while talking about how terrorism can be defeated by recycling. Really, why don't they just all come out of the closet and hold the thing at a gay bathhouse. Once again I ask how any men can be a part of these people? They must have booths there offering the spaying or neutering of husbands.

Still, there are ways the Democrat National Convention could be even worse. In fact, there are at least ten ways which I will proceed to list an ordered form.


10. Only the most carbon neutral entertainment allowed: Mimes.

9. Every hour they turn on FOX News for two minutes of hate.

8. Second day is all freestyle poetry.

7. Celebratory balloons being dropped on crowd replaced with much more biodegradable dyed hay.

6. Tolerance competitions!

5. To waste less electricity on microphones, all speakers will communicate through sign language.

4. Keynote speaker: Walter Mondale.

3. They announce that the Democrats' symbol of the donkey is to be replaced with the much more appropriate Queen of the Faeries.

2. All signs must include an Esperanto translation.

And the number one way the Democrat National Convention could be even lamer...


Rating: 2.6/5 (34 votes cast)

Comments (62)
US Military Apologizes For Wasting Precious Bullets on Stupid Koran
Posted by Harvey at 11:07 AM | Email This

BAGHDAD (AP) - An American soldier used a Koran, the Islamic holy book, for target practice in a predominantly Sunni area west of Baghdad, prompting an apology from the U.S. military, a spokesman said Sunday.

"I come before you here seeking your forgiveness," Maj. Gen. Jeffery Hammond was quoted as saying. "In the most humble manner, I look in your eyes today and I say, 'please forgive me and my soldiers'."

"I know Americans are concerned about the cost of this war," the General said, "and bullets aren't cheap. We shouldn't waste them on shooting books that are full of stupid ideology when they would be far more cost-effective being shot into towel-wrapped heads full of stupid ideology."

"There's a right and wrong way to use munitions," continued Hammond. "and the right way is the way that gives America the best bang for its buck - no pun intended. If destroying enemy propaganda were the key to victory, then we'd be strapping bricks of C4 to crates of Fahrenheit 9/11 DVD's. But the fact is that dead jihadis - and not shredded books - are the only way to win this war. Yes, desecrated Korans are a nice bonus, but really, people, that's what toilets are for. Let's focus on the mission."

"I want to be clear on one point, though," concluded the General. "I'm not saying American troops should never shoot at Korans, I'm just saying that if they ARE going to shoot at a Koran, they should make sure there's a terrorist standing behind it."

Rating: 2.6/5 (35 votes cast)

Comments (15) | Newsish Fakery
Random Thought
Posted by Frank J. at 10:05 AM | Email This

I wonder if someone came up with the idea of whiteboards hundreds of years ago but wasn't able to act on it since he lacked a way to effectively communicate the idea to others.

Rating: 2.5/5 (32 votes cast)

Comments (11)
He's Still In It to Win It!
Posted by Frank J. at 09:00 AM | Email This

Why did the chicken cross the road?


Ron Paul is basically just a punchline now, but I actually heard a Ron Paul ad on a country music station the other morning. If you're wondering where the millions of dollars gullible losers threw at Ron Paul was going, well now you have your answer.

Seriously, though, if Ron Paul increases his standing and manages to get 10% of the vote in the Idaho Republican caucus next Tuesday, he'll only need to get 10,000% of the remaining delegate to beat McCain.

Say it with me...


If Thomas Jefferson were a creepy looking crank, he'd be Ron Paul.

Rating: 2.6/5 (43 votes cast)

Comments (30) | Ron Paul, Ron Paul, Ron Paul
May 20, 2008
Threats to Our Great Nation
Posted by Frank J. at 12:01 PM | Email This

I think the first thing people think of when they hear the name IMAO is "vigilance." While our nation is great, there are many threats facing it, and it has always been the job of IMAO to list those threats so we can later tackle them when we have nothing better to do.


* Terrorism
* Illegal Immigration
* Crime
* Drugs
* The Capital Gains Tax
* Childhood Obesity
* Hippies
* Gay Marriage
* Potholes
* That Noise Kids These Days Call Music
* Dingos
* Even Gayer Marriage
* Whole Foods
* That Singing Guy from the FreeCreditReport.com Commercials
* Simians
* The Amish
* Hope When Combined With Change
* Lawn Darts
* The Irish
* Clamshell Packaging
* Diet Coke When Combined With Mentos
* The Moon
* Your Face

As I said before, this is only a list of threats to our great nation that I don't necessarily have solutions for. If you run into one of these threats before I do come up with said solution, just try shooting it with a gun for now. That probably works more than half the time, anyway.

Rating: 2.2/5 (73 votes cast)

Comments (61) | Know Thy Enemy
lolterizt! Part 48
Posted by Harvey at 11:09 AM | Email This

I'm noticing two dropoffs - post rating and reader contributions.

Looking for some feedback - what do I need here? Better pictures? Better captions? Or is the whole concept just way too 2007?

Gimme some tough love.

Meanwhile, once again, pass 'em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don't be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.

belong 2 us.jpg
[reference link]

cant kwit u.jpg

hide n seek.jpg

i believe.jpg

i found it.jpg

terrorist puppet.jpg

we luv u.jpg

From ColoradoRight:
good cooking.jpg

Two from Xaetognath:
foot on fire.jpg


Two from acrazymic:
rosies virgins.jpg

who farted.jpg

#1: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won't end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

HAT TIP: Snapped Shot for handy links to ripe-for-captioning photos.

Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and - if they aren't obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don't suck too terribly bad - I'll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

Rating: 2.7/5 (41 votes cast)

Comments (18) | lolterizt
Random Thought
Posted by Frank J. at 10:03 AM | Email This

If all my possession could fit in a handkerchief tied to the end of a stick, I could be happy as a hobo.

Rating: 2.6/5 (32 votes cast)

Comments (13)
So Are We Going to Be Tried Before the Hague If We Don't Vote for Obama?
Posted by Frank J. at 09:03 AM | Email This

Apparently the U.N. is investigating racism in America. Due to the lack of problems in the rest of the world, I guess the only thing left to do was investigate racism in the least racist country in the world. I mean, is there any country in the world more integrated than the U.S.? Is there any even close?

They're sending Doudou Diene to do the investigation. That seems a bit like entrapment, since you could just be calling the guy by his actual name and it will sound like you're using a racial slur. I already know how this is going to end, anyway: The conclusion will be that America is horribly racist and the blame will fall on Israel. A number of despots are going to pause from torturing their citizens to express outrage and demand a U.N. resolution calling for the destruction of Israel. The resolution will pass with only Israel, the U.S., and Micronesia voting against it. Nothing will happen. Total cost to us: One billion dollars.

It might seem like a big waste, but wouldn't it be a worse world if murderous dictators devoted their time to things more productive than the U.N.?

Rating: 2.9/5 (34 votes cast)

Comments (13)
May 19, 2008
Couple o' Links I Think You'll Like
Posted by Harvey at 10:49 PM | Email This

1) 'Raqstar.

2) An open letter to the RNC

Rating: 2.3/5 (33 votes cast)

Comments (4)
Obama To Negotiate With Bush Over "Appeaser" Remark
Posted by Harvey at 12:00 PM | Email This

WASHINGTON (AP) - After President Bush made a thinly-veiled attack on Obama's willingness to negotiatiate with terrorists by referring to him as an "appeaser", the Democratic frontrunner offered to sit down with the President to discuss the issue.

Obama '08 - Peace For Our Time.

"Although I don't agree with the President's remarks about my belief in fighting violence with empty words," said Obama, "I also think there are two sides to every story. No one can ever be completely right or wrong. I've sent President Bush a letter saying that we should sit down, without pre-conditions, and discuss the matter to see if maybe an apology is in order. I currently remain open on my position of who should make the apology, as it would be counter-productive to automatically assume beforehand who the wronged party is."

At a press conference, President Bush responded to Obama's letter by spitting on it, wiping it across his buttocks, setting it on fire and hurling it at a reporter in disgust. "Obama is the offspring of pigs and monkeys! I will push him into the sea! I will wipe him off the map!"

Obama later conceded that Bush might have a point. "My grandmother was a typical white person, which is similar to being a pig or monkey. I think it would be undiplomatic of me to declare otherwise ahead of our meeting. It's certainly an issue that would bear closer examination during the course of our discussions, especially given my resemblance to Curious George."

Fading Democratic contender Hillary Clinton was unsupportive of Obama's remarks, saying that she stood by her position that if she were given the nomination, she would "totally obliterate" the Republicans in November.

Rating: 2.5/5 (41 votes cast)

Comments (12) | Newsish Fakery
Frank Ideas to Reinvigorate the Republican Party
Posted by Frank J. at 11:08 AM | Email This

It's pretty universally well known that the Republicans are in huge trouble as they've lost a number of special elections that I don't know much about but all the smart people say are very important. At least I know I don't care much more Republicans anymore; they lately just seem like a less mincing version of the Democrats. Frankly, things are so bad that for Republicans that if the Democrats don't get the White House and huge gains in the House and Senate, they should really all jump off a bridge for sucking that much.

The new face of the Republican Party?
So the Republicans obviously need a new strategy if they want to regain power, and talking about how bad the other side is just ain't it. Everyone knows the Democrats suck, but do they know if the Republicans don't suck? I sure don't. Republicans really need to be for something. For instance, they can't just hope to win saying how bad liberals are; they need to be for something such as for punching liberals since they're so bad. Now, I'm no Karl Rove -- I don't even like the taste of souls -- but here are my ideas for a stronger, reinvigorated Republican Party.


* Cut Pork: Republicans have gotten bad with spending, so it will take a lot of work to get credibility on that issue. They can't only oppose future pork; they should take it a step further and oppose pork already passed. That means getting some C4 and totally blowing up useless projects built with pork. Think of how dynamic it would be for a Republican to walk into some building holding a bomb and saying, "Justify this places existence or I will destroy it!" That's free media attention right there.

* Punch the Hippies: I know. You're saying, "There goes Frank being a mean Republican again." But if you check the Hippie care handbook (last updated in the seventies), hippies need to be punched on a regular basis or they get shrill to the point of being a extreme public nuisance. Now, others may argue that punching hippies just because they're idiots is a freedom of speech issue, but freedom of speech was only really intended for people with coherent things to say. You cannot make a rational argument that the Founding Fathers would have put up with hippies. You may say they wouldn't punch them, but that's just because they'd shoot them with musket or run them through with a cutlass -- or am I getting the Founding Fathers confused with pirates? Anyway, the point is that hippie punching is necessary public service that would be cheered on by George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, and Blackbeard. Next time hippies have a whiny protest near someplace with Republicans, all the Republicans should charge them screaming, "Rarr! Hippies!" That should just be as natural as breathing. The American public wants a party they know won't put up with stupid, smelly hippies and the Republicans are the only ones who can step up and be that party.

* Pile of Justice: What do we do with all the terrorists we kill? I doubt anything too useful; my guess is they're just lying around somewhere. But lying around in the Middle East doesn't help us any; we need them here. Think of it: A big pile of dead terrorists on the National Mall in D.C. with a sign in front of it saying, "Brought to you by the Republican Party." Now people can see exactly what Republican Party policies have accomplished. And what can the Democrats do in rebuttal? Put next to it their big pile of whining about healthcare and crap? I know I've said this idea before, but it's worth repeating: A big pile of dead terrorists equals election victory.

* Exploit Democrat Sissiness: A big advantage the Republicans have over Democrats are that Democrats are bunch of sissies scared of their own shadows. This advantage is of no use if Republicans don't exploit it, though. Next time some Democrat is on the House floor saying something stupid, a Republican needs to go up and knock him down without saying a word. What is the Democrat going to do about? Nothing; that's what. Need to block a bill in the Senate but don't have enough people for a filibuster? Grab the bill from the Democrat and play keep away with it. Accomplishes that exact same thing. If Republicans do things right, they can be the minority party, get everything they want, and make the Democrats do all the work. That's smart politicking right there.

* Robot Suits: What if we could nominate Iron Man as our presidential candidate? He couldn't be attacked on his personal life because people wouldn't know who he is. What they would know about him is that he can blow up tanks. And if you have Iron Man in a debate with a Democrat, who are people going to vote for: the guy in the cool robot suit with rocket boots or the whiny Democrat? That's why we need to develop cool robot suits (the technical terms for suits that make you look like a robot) and instead of deploying them militarily use them in a political setting. You don't have to worry about Democrats doing the same thing because robot suits have weapons on them and Democrats are scared of those.

* Remind People that Being a Republican Is Fun: Everybody loves that game Grand Theft Auto IV, so about a new game called Grand Old Party. It will be the same in that you run around the city doing whatever you want, but in this game you get away with everything because you're rich and a Republican with a gun -- sort of a Republican simulator. In real life, we keep hearing how rich Republican are, so why don't we see that more? They should be driving around in fast cars with hot women, and they shouldn't even campaign because they should be like too cool to care what people think about them. Then everyone will want to be a Republican... but we won't let them. It's exclusive. We'll constantly reject people telling them, "Sorry. You can't be a Republican; you're too lame. You'll have to vote for a Democrat." And then even more people will want to be Republicans because they can't be!

* Remind People America Is Great: America is the most awesome country out there. Think of some other country. Well, America is at least ten time more awesome than that country (probably closer to a million times). What's with all the worrying about what other countries think about America? We didn't use to care about that. Not only should Republicans keep reminding people how great America is (which is closely related to the Republican Party and thus why Democrats don't like flag pins), but they should also produce a documentary showing how horrible it is to be a foreigner with their lack of freedoms, stupid attitudes, and funny hats. Then people will remember how awful and stupid foreigners are and not care what they think once again, just like God intended for America.

* Ride a Stampede of Elephants into Town: This one is so obvious I don't know why we haven't seen it yet. The Republican symbol is the elephant, so why don't Republicans ride into a town on a stampede of elephants destroying everything in its path? That would awesome, and eventually people would fear Republicans like they did the Huns.

So, those are my ideas for the Republican Party. They may seem elaborate, but they all come down to having a clear vision of what you stand for, standing strongly for those principles, and acting like you're a god among men. It's the strategy that worked for the Republicans in the eighties.

Rating: 2.5/5 (35 votes cast)

Comments (17)
New Obama Bumper Sticker
Posted by Frank J. at 09:02 AM | Email This

This sums up his appeal to certain segments pretty well.

Rating: 2.0/5 (31 votes cast)

Comments (12)
May 17, 2008
Ted Kennedy Did Not Have a Stroke
Posted by Frank J. at 10:53 PM | Email This

Or so says the current report. That's good, and I hope he's okay, because I have absolutely no respect for Ted Kennedy but still felt really bad for him and his family when I heard he might have had a stroke.

I don't want to feel bad for him. I want to make fun of him.

Rating: 2.5/5 (33 votes cast)

Comments (42)
May 16, 2008
Note to Barack: This Won't End Well For You
Posted by Harvey at 08:18 PM | Email This


Rating: 2.2/5 (35 votes cast)

Comments (14)
Yippie Kay Yay America
Posted by Frank J. at 05:29 PM | Email This

If you find supporting John McCain unpalatable, here's the next best thing.

Rating: 2.5/5 (35 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Joblessness Falls
Posted by Frank J. at 04:40 PM | Email This

I got a job! The free t-shirt is claimed. I guess this will then be my last blog post. It's been fun.

I kid! Actually, hopefully blogging will improve in quality now that I'll be forced to better allocate my time to writing blog posts and force myself to write something the night before. Anyway, thanks for the help, prayers, and well wishes. And I'm pretty sure my own situation will be a leading indicator for the economy.

Rating: 2.4/5 (36 votes cast)

Comments (29)
I Think We Can All Agree It's Time for an Aquaman Movie
Posted by Aquaman at 01:04 PM | Email This

Everyone wants me.Hello, Aquafans!

Have you seen that Iron Man movie? I don't really get that guy as a superhero. Basically, his suit is the superhero. Anyone could wear it and have his powers. I could wear it and have all of Iron Man's powers plus be able to talk to fish (unless the suit acts like a Faraday cage and messes up my marine telepathy -- which be a hugely idiotic design flaw).

Anyway, it's done a ton of business, and if the world likes a movie about a B-list superhero, think of how much they'll love one about one of the best known superheroes out there: Me, Aquaman!

Really, at this point there is not rational argument a studio can make about not going forward with an Aquaman movie. We just need to plan it to make sure it's a success. First, we need some hot up-and-coming director of independent artsy films to do this as his first big budget studio film. Maybe whoever directed that Juno film everyone seems to like.

Next, we need a script. An awesome script penned by this era's Shakespeare. I know some of you might suggest Frank J. should do it, but I've read some of his stuff and the fact that he's unemployed just means the job market has gotten more rational. I want the best writer out there, which means only one person is fit to pen the script: J.K. Rowlings.

As for casting, you need someone who projects the gravitas of being king of the ocean. I'm thinking Kiefer Sutherland should play me. Also, Shia LaBeouf should be in the movie somewhere as seems to be the custom for blockbusters these days.

Finally, it needs to stay true to the source material. I don't want the executives meddling with it and casting Samuel L. Jackson as me and having him shout, "I'm tired of these bleepity-bloop fish in this bleepity-bloop sea!" because that tests well.

I think the studios should get working on this right away. Isn't it exciting? What do you want to see in an Aquaman movie, Aquafans?

Rating: 3.0/5 (41 votes cast)

Comments (26) | Aqua-Adventures
Ignore IMAO at Your Own Peril
Posted by Frank J. at 12:21 PM | Email This

So now McCain is inviting nutroots blogs in his campaign conference calls, but still no IMAO? I really should talk to his friend Fred Thompson -- Mary Katharine Ham's coblogger who I was just on the phone with the other day -- and tell him to set McCain straight. A friendly relation with IMAO would be a good way to try and win the support of the pro-hippy punching segment of society who are usually key to a GOP victory. Also, so far no one has had the courage to ask him his stance on nuclear attacks on natural satellites.

IMAO is the future. The current Republican leadership needs to be nice to us or we're not going to visit them in the nursing home when we're in charge.


Apparently I'm not the only prominent conservative blogger who was excluded. Her complaining as already gotten results, though. I need to learn to complain better.

Rating: 1.9/5 (34 votes cast)

Comments (13)
Posted by Frank J. at 11:43 AM | Email This

President Bush should denounce "dickless wonders who crap themselves in the face of any opposition and both look and smell like a baboon's butt" and see if any Democrats get angry saying Bush was talking about them.

Rating: 2.8/5 (34 votes cast)

Comments (14)
Then Again, Who Doesn't Rail Against Whitey Every Now and Then?
Posted by Frank J. at 11:32 AM | Email This

Dude, please let this be true. That would be so awesome.

Luckily, Obama already has the nomination locked up. Luckily for us, I mean.

Rating: 2.3/5 (32 votes cast)

Comments (12)
For Jimmy
Posted by Harvey at 07:29 AM | Email This

Who put the idea in my head in a comment to this post.

tasty liberals.jpg

Rating: 2.5/5 (33 votes cast)

Comments (14)
May 15, 2008
In My World: Obama Accepts the NARAL Endorsement
Posted by Frank J. at 01:43 PM | Email This

"Babies are the greatest threat facing society today," the NARAL spokeswoman said. "Compare the number of people affected by the actions of supposed terrorists versus those affected by crying, screaming babies. Worst yet, think of those forced to care for these parasites. That's why NARAL stands for the destruction of all babies, and why we are proud to give our nomination to one of the biggest baby opponents, Barack Obama."

"I will make no distinction between the babies and those who harbor them."
There was applause as Obama took the stage. "Thank you. This has been an important issue for me for a long time. At first, I had attended feminist rallies and was confused at what lesbians needed abortions for, but now I understand this is not about the women and the abortions -- this is about the plight on this nations that are babies. No one has committed a crime so foul that she should be punished with a baby, so I seek a permanent end to this punishment.

"Do not think I came upon the conclusion that we must eliminate babies with little thought. I spent much time talking to my spiritual mentor about the subject."

* * * *

"Jeremiah, do you think Jesus would be against abortions," Obama asked Jeremiah Wright.


"You know... the guy from the Bible."

"The what? I don't got time for your jibber-jabber, half-cracker. I have a gay marriage to preside over."

* * * *

"It has become clear to me that babies are a problem we must fight now -- not later," Obama continued. "They are a threat wherever they hide, and I warn everyone that I will make no distinction between the babies and those who harbor them. The time of babies is over. Can we hope to change the world to a place without babies? Yes we can. Yes. We. Can."

Hillary Clinton ran onto the stage, "You're giving him the endorsement! But I've been trying to kill babies for longer than he has! I was the first one to figure how to store their souls for later feasting!"

"Boo!" the crowd shouted. "Go hang out with your baby-loving hillbillies in West Virginia!"

"You'll all pay for this!" Hillary screeched. "You'll all pay! I'll see you all with babies!" She cackled as she ran off.

"That woman is scary," Obama said. "Anyway, I find one of the best ways to kill a baby is to get a corkscrew and..."

Rating: 2.3/5 (45 votes cast)

Comments (23) | In My World
Holy Crap!
Posted by Frank J. at 01:12 PM | Email This

Go to the Townhall Blog. Scroll through the posts and look at the authors names and see if one pops out at you.

And while I'm on the subject of Townhall's blog, Mary Katharine Ham should blog more.

Rating: 2.1/5 (35 votes cast)

Comments (11)
WEtard Font & Other Such
Posted by Harvey at 11:42 AM | Email This

Alice, bless her soul, sent me 4 gifts recently.

First, an explanation of how the WEtard Font came to be. Here's a particularly irksome passage from the article [see also the original press release]:

"Mr. Collins said he wanted a typeface that was "friendlier" than that of [1960's Swiss/Modernist poster design]. The new typeface, with small, more rounded gestures, is little bit quirky, but has a curiously warm appearance, too."

Friendly, quirky, curiously warm... sorta like having sex with an apple pie.

Second - an .fla file that contains the font. If someone knows how to do such a conversion, have at it.

Third - a 72 dpi .jpg of the font. If anyone is conversant with font-creating software, this might be useful.

Fourth - a 300 dpi .jpg of the font. Ditto.

If anyone makes a usable TrueType font out of this, drop me a line.

By the way, my initial reaction to the font - after getting a good look at the pointless asymmetrical design of some of the letters (especially p & q) - was that it's the kind of thing you'd expect from a surly teenager with an ideogram neck tat & multiple facial piercings whose persistent mommy-issues cause a mental blind spot preventing him from telling the difference between "gracelessly inelegant mutilation" and "creative design".


Next, from the latest panicky polar bear missive from WEtard central:

Polar bears are tragic, innocent victims of global warming.

When they're not mauling Inuits (careful if you follow the links on that page, as they lead to graphic images).

Or grandmothers

Or Australian zoo-goers

Or nuclear-powered Seawolf class submarines.

And - much like our enemies the Canadians - they like to club baby seals to death for fun. Club them with their long, pointy teeth! (video contains graphic nature-show violence)

Who in the world would want to save this brutal killer?:

killer polar bear.jpg

The answer - our WEtarded government, who put this bloodthirsty monster on the threatened species list instead of making comfy, decorative rugs out of the genocidal lot of them.

Speaking of which, what else can you use a dead polar bear for?

* speed bump

* Klondike bar display rack

* Put him in the passenger seat so you can use the HOV lane.

* Opening a restaurant specializing in Eskimo cuisine - blubberiffic!

* Paint it green; pass it off as world's largest Chia Pet.

* Cut it open and use it to keep your Wampa-mauled Jedi friend warm.

I'm sure you've got friendly, quirky, and curiously warm notions of your own that you'd like to share.

Rating: 2.7/5 (38 votes cast)

Comments (26) | WEsistance Is Facile
Pray for Liberal Media
Posted by Frank J. at 10:11 AM | Email This

I see McCain is giving his big speech now. Hannity made a good point about him the other day on his radio show (Hannity is actually smart sounding when on the radio): This is McCain sucking up to conservatives. Even with the global warming pandering and talking to La Raza, this is about the best he'll be to us. When he's elected and doesn't need our votes anymore, expect hell.

...Unless the liberal media becomes so horrible to him for being now the most prominent Republican that he no longer finds any gain in sucking up to it. A media horribly biased against McCain is about our only hope. Godspeed, New York Times.

Rating: 2.5/5 (32 votes cast)

Comments (13)
May 14, 2008
A Story, Bit by Bit
Hellbender: Chapter 28 - Reality
Posted by Frank J. at 05:04 PM | Email This


"You must be pretty special to work so closely with someone like Dammon."

Lulu jerked Bryce away from the smiling, buxom secretary. "We don't have time for that."

Bryce straightened his new suit jacket as he followed Lulu and Charlene into Dammon's office. Charlene wore a pants suit and even Lulu dressed up for the occasion, though she adjusted her business suit's skirt a little higher.

Dammon had a large office with a magnificent view of the city. Apparently Dammon kept offices in about every major city. While most things he was involved in were "illegal," the other Transcendents never took actions against him directly. Dammon was standing by his desk when Bryce and the others entered. He appeared to be a handsome young man in an expensive suit, and he smiled at them somewhat mischievously. "Hellbender!" he called to them like they were old friends. "Have a seat."

They did as told, and he had three nice leather chairs facing his desk. "We don't want to waste your time sir," Charlene said, "but we believe--"

"I don't know how you plan on conducting this," Dammon interrupted as he walked towards the computer on his desk that a being like him had no use for other than aesthetics, "but my records say that it's the pretty Asian woman that's in charge."

Lulu sat up straight, trying to look as serious as possible. "What we're here for--"

"Sorry to interrupt again," Dammon said, "but we're not really in a rush. Can I offer you guys some drinks before we get to business?"

Bryce looked to the other two, but neither seemed to be in quick to answer. "Sure... what do you recommend?"

"There's a bottle of brandy and some glasses right next to you. Quite good."

Bryce had not noticed the table to his right. He went ahead and poured himself a drink.

Dammon walked over to the bar near his desk and looked at Charlene. "And what would lovely lady number one like?"

"I'm good. Thank you."

He looked to Lulu. "And lovely lady number two?"

"I'll have a Cosmopolitan... but I want the lime separate and not mixed with the drink."

"I can handle that." Dammon turned to mix the drink and Bryce took a sip of the brandy. It was quite good. In not too long, Dammon had a Cosmopolitan in one hand and a glass of red wine in the other. He handed the Cosmopolitan to Lulu. "Limes are right next to you." And there was a little bowl of limes on a table next to Lulu which Bryce had also not noticed before. Dammon gave the wine to Charlene. "And here is what you wanted."

Charlene accepted the glass. "If you knew what I wanted, why did you ask?"

Dammon headed back to the bar to pour a brown liquid from a decanter into a glass. "I don't need to ask any of you anything to get whatever information I want, but I choose to because you find it less disconcerting." His face turned somewhat menacing. "Maybe you should consider indulging me."

"Ignore her." Lulu squeezed the lime into her drink. "She's already been a bitch to people for so long, I guess she decided to do it to Transcendents for a change." She took a sip. "This is really good."

Dammon sat down at his desk. "Thanks. I used to bartend professionally."

Lulu nodded. "I used to be an astronaut."

Dammon chuckled. "Well, you three have had quite an interesting time lately as I understand. You recently became decently wealthy by doing a job for Asmod... not through my organization."

"Is that a problem?" Bryce asked, sounding as innocent as possible -- as if that would fool him.

Dammon shrugged. "It's not the best thing... in my opinion. And then you killed some of my people, extorted twenty five thousand from one of my disciples, and cut off her hand."

Bryce took a big gulp of his brandy. "Well... not in that order."

"That was really between Colette and us," Lulu said. "If you want the twenty five thousand back--"

"I didn't say that." Dammon paused to sip his drink. "I'm just going over where we stand in relation to each other."

"I think where we stand is that you're an infinitely powerful being while we're simple humans," Charlene said.

Dammon laughed. "It's a skill to tell someone he's infinitely powerful in a patronizing tone."

Lulu smiled nervously. "Again, ignore her. Circumstances have been a bit frustrating to us. What we want to do is find if there is anything we can do about a friend who we believe is being held by Ronove."

"Sure. You can go after him or you can forget him. That's the sort of advice I give for free." He looked at Charlene. "I'm quite benevolent, you know."

"Well, is there some sort of quid pro quo we could work out for a bit more help?" Bryce asked.

"You're wondering what you can do for me." Dammon looked quite amused with himself. "I think you know what that is."

"So, will you help us get back our friend if we bring you back the cube?" Charlene said.

"Well, the cube would be nice to have." Dammon swirled around his drink in its glass. "If there's too much of a power imbalance, it's bad for me. Ronove's research is all about tilting things in Asmod's favor, so I'd rather him not have the cube if it really is of any value." He looked up at the three. "I know what you're thinking, but I'm not like Elza. She's trying to create chaos by interfering. I'm trying to keep a balance. You people really won't enjoy it if any of the Transcendents succeeds too much." He sipped his drink. "And I enjoy humanity too much to see it ended."

Bryce was already pouring himself another drink. "Would it really be possible to get in there and grab the cube and our friend without Ronove stopping us?"

"It would be difficult... but not impossible," Dammon said. "Ronove's lab is not easily accessed, but I think you can overcome that yourself. As for Ronove, he's a very focused individual so things could be done without him knowing if timed properly. While I simply have taken a form that looks human to you, Ronove actually created himself a human body -- cell by cell, vein by vein -- and is limited in perception when in it... which is almost all the time."

Charlene looked to finally relax and drink her wine. "So it sounds like we can do this."

Dammon smiled. "I'm not so sure. We're still talking about breaking into a heavily guarded facility even when we factor out the Transcendent. It's hugely risky, and it's not the sort of thing a bunch of loser who finally made it big are going to risk everything over because of a sentimental attachment to a childhood friend."

Bryce's phone beeped an alert. He thought he had remembered to turn it off.

"Go ahead and check it," Dammon said.

Bryce took his phone out of his pocket. He had been a number of messages. Each one indicated that one of his bank accounts had been closed. "No!"

Dammon sipped his drink. "Yes."

"What?" both Lulu and Charlene asked.

Bryce was panicking. He noticed he was on his feet but didn't remember standing up. "All our money. He took it."

"When you tried to hide your money in multiple bank accounts, who were you trying to hide it from?" Dammon laughed. "Not from an infinite being, I hope, because then you were just wasting your time."

Bryce felt he was about to lose himself, and he struggled to keep some calm. "This isn't right. That was our money, and it didn't have anything to do with you."

"I like you humans and your concepts of 'right and wrong.' You even make whole belief systems based on it. In reality, though, there is only what one can and can't do. I showed you what I can do; now I'll tell you what you can do."

"THAT WAS OURS!!!" Before Bryce's sense could protest, he was charging Dammon, about to leap over the desk at him.

Bryce was in darkness, lying down against solid rock. Lulu and Charlene were next to him, looking as bewildered as him. Fire then burst around them, the flames stories high. The heat felt like it was about to melt the flesh from Bryce face.

And then Dammon rose before them -- not his human form, but something closer to his real form. At his full height, he was far taller than any skyscraper Bryce had ever seen with eyes that stared down with full contempt for the pathetic things lying before him.

And then Bryce was back in the office, lying on the ground next to the shocked Lulu and Charlene, Charlene glass of wine now staining the carpet.

"Familiarity breed contempt." Dammon was looking as cordial as ever. "I look human, and eventually people consider me as human. That's fine most of the time, but every so often I need to remind people exactly what I am. Now, as Bryce mentioned, you are all penniless. You have no money and nowhere to go. That makes you once again the 'desperate losers' as you described yourself to Colette. You're going to go get that cube for me because you have absolutely no other option in this life than to do so. While you're at it, you can get that friend of your -- or not; whatever works for you. If you come back successfully, then we can work out further business arrangements and see about getting you some of that money back. Are we clear?"

Bryce was now equal parts scared and angry. Lulu was the first to get off the floor. "We'll need some money to do this."

"Of course." Dammon stood up from his desk. "On your way out, talk to my administrative assistant and she'll get you expense forms. I already have a plan for you three to follow, but if you want to do it your own way, I'll trust your judgment -- or successful lack thereof. I think we're done for now."

Charlene helped Bryce to his feet and the three left the office. "Why do we even try?" Bryce asked them. "I'm sorry I dragged any of you into this."

"It's not your fault," Charlene said. "No matter what we do, it's all rigged for failure. It was just as dumb when I was trying to conform with society."

"But we just keep going in circles." Bryce pounded a nearby wall. "The best we can hope for is things to be only as sucky as they always were. What's the point?"

"I don't know." Lulu smiled weakly. "Let's go ask Doug. Maybe he knows."


Rating: 2.8/5 (39 votes cast)

Comments (1) | Hellbender Take Two
If You Hate Crackers, You Won't Like IMAO
Posted by Frank J. at 03:22 PM | Email This

Cracker friendly since 2004.

Rating: 2.4/5 (33 votes cast)

Comments (25)
Sorry Dog; You're Not Going to Get That Ball Without the Proper Interface
Posted by Frank J. at 02:47 PM | Email This

One cool thing about new technology is the way we can use it to mess with the minds of animals that have no chance of ever comprehending it. Personally, I like the laser pointer. I can get the cats to freak out and chase that red little dot they'll never be able to grab ("It's smaller than me and moving! It must die!).

The dog has wised up to it, though. If she sees the red dot moving by her, she gets startled for a moment, but then she just looks at me and the laser pointer like, "Why are you doing that, idiot?"

Well, guess what, dog: You're the idiot! I have the power of lasers!

If I could get her to fruitlessly chase a virtual ball, that would put her back in her place.

(via Ace)

Rating: 2.0/5 (33 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Obama Bows to a Higher Power Than Himself?
Posted by Frank J. at 12:14 PM | Email This

Barack Obama is going for a religious appeal in Kentucky. I'm not sure that's a great idea considering what we know of his church, and just look at the literature he's handing out right now:

Yeah, that could backfire on him in Kentucky.

Okay, it's slight modified from the original. Slightly.

Rating: 2.2/5 (38 votes cast)

Comments (15)
In My World: Obama Responds to His Loss in West Virginia
Posted by Frank J. at 11:31 AM | Email This

Senator Barack Obama has a some very introspective remarks for his concession speech after losing by 41 points in the West Virginia primary:

"Do you not see the flag pin, you inbred, hillbilly retards?! I wore a @#$% flag pin for you mouth breathers! I broke my campaign's only strongly held principle -- not being patriotic -- for you! My friends won't even look at me when I have it on. I even found Ayers trying to put a bomb on my car. What more do you want from me?

"Is it because I'm black? Is that why you @#$% crackers won't vote for me? Now I know why my wife hates America. Well, you better hope I don't get the presidency, because I will install Ray Nagin as ruler of West Virginia and he will chocolatize your state. When you bitterly head to church on Sunday, you'll find Wright preaching there about how God wants us to kill honkeys.

"So go pluck your banjos while you can, white trash. And does anyone want a flag pin? I don't have any use for it anymore."

Rating: 2.3/5 (41 votes cast)

Comments (12) | In My World
*sniff*... *sniff*... Rabbit Stew?
Posted by Harvey at 11:07 AM | Email This

I've always enjoyed the month of May because it's the month that marks that sweet spot on the weather chart between too-damn-cold & too-damn-hot.

This year is extra special because it's also the month where I get to watch the Democrats soil themselves in frustration as they alternately beg and berate Hillary to please, please, PLEASE drop out!

From the "berate" file, comes a quote from Rep. Steve Cohen, (D-Tenn), who compared Clinton to Glenn Close's character in "Fatal Attraction" [a spurned woman turned stalker who was apparently drowned in a bathtub only to jump up one more time to be shot dead.]

"Glenn Close should have stayed in that tub, and Sen. Clinton has had a remarkable career and needs to move to the next step, which is helping elect the Democratic nominee."

While I relish the image of Hillary as a psychotic bunny-boiler as much as the next guy, I can't help thinking that Mr. Cohen missed a couple other possible movie character analogies, which I toss out thusly:


* Friday the 13th - Jason's Mom.

* Evil Dead 2 - Sweet "I'll Swallow Your Soul" Henrietta

* Star Wars Episode I - Queen Amidala (shortly after her ascension to power, her entire planet is conquered by people with Chinese accents - absolutely prescient, I tell ya).

* The Omen - Nanny Baylock

* The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe - HINT: not the wardrobe.

* The Muppet Movie - Miss Piggy. Promises, promises, promises, but did Kermit ever see any action? HELL no!

* Serial Mom - don't wear white shoes after Labor Day.

* The Crying Game - Dil (same surprise, too).

* The Wizard of Oz - No... not Westie... Dorothy. She stole the shoes off a dead woman she dropped a house on. Hillary would do the same if it got her enough superdelegates.

* One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest - Nurse Ratched

* Misery - Nurse Annie.

* Blues Brothers - Seriously, she would've played Carrie Fisher's part with a LOT more conviction.

* Kill Bill - Elle Driver. Note to the Democratic Party - if Hillary offers you a suitcase full of money, don't open it.

* Thelma & Louise - believe it or not, I'm pegging Hillary as the '66 Thunderbird convertible in this one, since she WILL be the vehicle which takes the Democrats soaring off the cliff.

Did I miss any?

Rating: 2.2/5 (37 votes cast)

Comments (33) | Election 2008
Good Thing This Isn't Japan
Posted by Frank J. at 10:37 AM | Email This

I don't care if you're ahead in delegates, if you lose a primary by 41 points, you commit seppuku.

If you had honor, that is.

Rating: 2.8/5 (34 votes cast)

Comments (3)
May 13, 2008
While I'm Jobless, It's Nice to Know I Still Have the Power to Get People Fired
Posted by Frank J. at 09:12 PM | Email This

Actually, just a call for firing from an Obama delegate -- like those people have any power. Apparently Jaz McCay used some of the images from this post and this post, and now people want him fired for "hate speech"... though I'm guessing they're not sure who the hate is by or directed at. Hopefully common sense will prevail and it will all blow over... but if common sense always prevailed, I'd have no website.

How come my stuff is only controversial when other people use it? I remember once that CAIR got someone kicked off a webserver for just quoting me, while the same post didn't cause one peep against me (well, unless you consider a long, pedantic post by Amanda Marcotte serious scrutiny, but I don't). I guess I'm too likable for controversy... like the blogospheric version of Tom Hanks.

(thank to John Hawkins for alerting me)

Rating: 2.5/5 (31 votes cast)

Comments (23)
Crackers Don't Like Cracker Haters
Posted by Frank J. at 05:33 PM | Email This

Considering how Obama has a lock on the nomination and is about to get trounced in the West Virginia and Kentucky primaries, tonight promises to be both funny and pointless.

Hmm. That's a good description for IMAO.

Rating: 2.4/5 (33 votes cast)

Comments (9)
To the Future!
Posted by Frank J. at 01:08 PM | Email This

With McCain going on about global warming climate change, it's really starting to hit home that conservatives are going to be sitting out this election. Basically we're going to be on the sidelines watching this whole thing without being a part of it. Sure, they'll try and pull us in saying stuff like, "McCain is controlled by the right!" And we'll be like, "Yeah, we wish. We honestly have nothing to do with them. But thanks for thinking of us."

So what do we do? Well, you can be hard working Americans which will do more than playing around in any election will ever do. But what about those of us who don't like working hard?

It's time to look towards the future.

Everything is cyclical, so conservatives will get their chance again no matter how dark things look (I can't even imagine what it must have been like for conservatives during the Carter administration). We need to be prepared for our chance with good candidates.

Bobby Jindal looks like a great up and comer, so we need to start prepping him now. Not only do we need him to be a cold hard conservative on the issues, but I've seen a few people point out he's kinda small so he needs to get physically pumped too. When his time comes around, he should be this massive hulk ready to destroy.

Also, I'll finally be constitutionally eligible to run for president in 2016, so I might as well start preparing. I'm not much of a graphic designer, but here's a first draft of what one of my bumper stickers could look like:

I'm going to campaign on getting the federal government back to the basics. That means focusing on having it only do what citizens can't do for themselves: Kill bad people in foreign lands. Also, nuking the moon.

The official phrase of my campaign will be, "Shut up. Not my problem," which I will deploy any time someone comes whining to me about what they want me to do for them as president. Like what's with all the people going around today hoping the next president will fix the economy? The government is pretty much the opposite of the economy; you take money out of the economy to put it in government. If anything, to fix the economy you want the government to do less, not more, so you can take money out of the government and put it back into the economy. Duh.

There are so many idiots out there, but I promise you that they'll get there's. Consider that both a campaign promise and an actual promise.

Rating: 2.6/5 (34 votes cast)

Comments (33)
Favorite Hillary Clinton Quotes from Her Presidential Campaign
Posted by Frank J. at 11:52 AM | Email This

As we prepare to say goodbye to the Hillary's presidential bid, here is a list of my favorite quotes from her during her campaign:


* "You've failed me for the last time!"

* "You'll choke on your own blood!"

* "I'll swallow your soul!"

* "I would have gotten away with it to if it weren't for you meddling kids!"

* "DIE!!!!"

* "I'll show you! I'll show you all!"

* "Muhahahahaha!"

* "I'll get you next time, Gadget! NEXT TIME!"

* "I will destroy you!"

* "We need truly universal healthcare."

* "Fly, my pretties!"

Rating: 2.6/5 (32 votes cast)

Comments (25)
lolterizt! Part 47 - lolhilry! Edition
Posted by Harvey at 11:05 AM | Email This

A tribute to the post-iceberg RMS Titanic of Democratic presidential candidates. Regular lolterizng resumes next week.

Meanwhile, pass 'em around, spread the love, and if you post your own, don't be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.

carol brady - ew.jpg

flop sweat hillary.jpg

haggard hillary.jpg

hillary fries.jpg

hillary lightning.jpg

hillary not amused.jpg

hillary toast.jpg

myth of big bill.jpg

tastes great.jpg

From Daniel:

From Warren:
scared of turtles.jpg
[reference link]

From AlanABQ:
The Witch.JPG

From Bryan:

From Wendy:
hillary death line.jpg

From roamingfirehydrant:
hillary your woman.jpg
[reference link]

#1: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won't end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and - if they aren't obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don't suck too terribly bad - I'll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

Rating: 2.0/5 (38 votes cast)

Comments (6) | lolterizt
May 12, 2008
A Story, Bit by Bit
Hellbender: Chapter 27 - Parting Shots
Posted by Frank J. at 05:51 PM | Email This


Doug's lunge at the Devil was unsuccessful, and he instead collided with the wall and fell to the ground.

"You can't tackle me," Stan said. "I'm just a hallucination."

"No you're not!" Doug shouted up at the blurry image of Stan. "I've had hallucinations before, and they don't tell you they're hallucinations!"

"Well, then I'm as much a hallucination as previously I was a dream. You are under quite a bit of drugs and duress, so hallucinations are likely. Thus, it didn't seem intrusive for me to appear now instead of waiting for you to go asleep."

Doug sat up and leaned against a wall. "I don't know what you're trying to hide from. They know I've been talking to you and that's why I'm here."

"See. Even with the small amount of overt meddling, I've affected things. That's why I usually never try to be this direct."

Doug misery was slowly being replaced by anger. "What do you want?"

"As I've said, I see the possible futures. I no longer see many paths left to you succeeding. You haven't quite grasped things as I hoped you would, and time is running out."

"You mean before Ronove destroys my soul?" Doug said dryly.

The Devil laughed. "I don't think he'll destroy it in the way he hopes, but you won't be the better for it."

"And I guess humanity is doomed because I failed... doing whatever the hell it was I was supposed to do."

"You're not taking this very seriously anymore, are you?"

Doug stood up, and he had to stop himself from trying to grab Stan again. "I think you're full of crap. I think Ronove is full of crap. I don't think any of you 'powerful' beings know what the hell you're doing. I just wished you'd all leave me alone!"

"I'm afraid to tell you that wishing isn't going to make it happen, kid."

"Go away!" Doug screamed.

"Are you going to figure this out on your own?"

"I'm not on my own. My friends are still out there."

"And rich too. If you think they're going to risk all that for the noble cause of saving their team mascot, realize they are only human."

"I said go away!" Doug plopped back down on the ground, sitting against a wall.

"Fine. I'll find someone else. I thought you were the best chance, but I've been wrong before. I would wish you good luck, but it would be pretentious to pretend I care about your fate when it's divorced from mine. Have fun with eternity; things only get worse from here on."

"OUT!" Doug screamed again, only to realize he was yelling at nothing.

"Are you okay?" a new voice said, echoing and distant.

"Who's there?" Doug called out.

"I heard you shouting."

Doug followed the voice to the toilet in his little cell. "Hello?"


Rating: 2.6/5 (38 votes cast)

Comments (6) | Hellbender Take Two
Kill the Apostate!
Posted by Frank J. at 04:31 PM | Email This

If crazy Muslims consider Obama an apostate, wouldn't that make you more likely to vote for him? First off, Americans love things that piss off crazy Muslims. Second, if crazy Muslims are going to try and kill Obama regardless of what he does, then won't it be more likely he'll be motivated to kill them back?

I've never seen any evidence foreign Muslims consider him an apostate, though. If anything, like with Hamas, they'll consider his election a victory.

My advice: Obama should play up the apostate angle.

"Yes, I was technically a Muslim as a kid, but I'm not anymore. Try and do something about it, mother@#$%!"

I'd totally vote for him if he said that. Plus, then Samuel L. Jackson could play him in his biography.

Rating: 2.4/5 (32 votes cast)

Comments (16)
Like McCain Needs Instructions on That
Posted by Frank J. at 01:34 PM | Email This

When I saw the title of this article, I thought the steps for McCain would be "Step one: Pick out a crowbar. Step Two: Hide in the shadows. Step Three:..."

Rating: 2.1/5 (32 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Why Won't Appalachia Vote for Barack Obama?
Posted by Frank J. at 01:05 PM | Email This

Despite everyone pretty much agreeing its now over for Hillary Clinton, recent polls show Hillary with a huge lead in West Virginia and Kentucky with over a twenty point lead in both (over thirty in West Virginia). Michelle Obama was hear to comment about this, "This is why I hate America. This is why I really @#$% hate America and hope everyone in it dies."

The Obama campaign seems to be dismissing this by implying that everyone in those states are dumb, easily-led, racist hillbillies. I decided to call Democrats in West Virginia and Kentucky and find out their reason for not voting for Barack Obama.


* He's one of dem colored folk.

* His name's just like dat of dat dere terrorist.

* He's got a middle name just like dat guy in Iraq.

* I done heard he's one of dem Muslims.

* He's has no experience to justify any confidence in him, his personal associations and the handling of them in his campaign shows poor judgment, dishonesty, and naivete, and despite the hollow enthusiasm for him, he seems to be nothing more than a typical liberal politician -- albeit one lacking the experience and ability to get anything done.

* His ears stick out too dern much.

Rating: 2.6/5 (33 votes cast)

Comments (32)
Obama Embraces Lazy White Voters
Posted by Harvey at 12:03 PM | Email This

WASHINGTON (AP) After Hillary Clinton claimed in a USA Today interview that Obama's "support among working, hard-working Americans, white Americans, is weakening", Senator Obama declared that he was proud be the candidate of choice for "lazy whites across the nation".

Typical white Obama voter.

"Let's face the facts," said Obama, "nobody who actually works for a living is going to vote Democrat, anyway. We wrote those guys off decades ago. If it weren't for indolent crackers, we'd NEVER carry an election. Fortunately, white Americans are just plain lazy. These shiftless honkies run the gamut from limosine liberal trust-funders to unemployed basement-dwelling bloggers, but they all have one thing in common - they hate hard work. That's why the ne'er-do-well whitey vote is swinging my way."

25-year-old professional part-time fried vegetable engineer Blake Lydell said he finds it easy to support Obama. "Work is for suckers. Obama talks a lot about hope & change, but he never actually DOES anything about it. Heck, he won't even bother to vote 'yes' or 'no' as a Senator - which is, like, his WHOLE JOB - and he STILL gets paid every two weeks. Once he becomes President, he'll make it so that even white guys like me will be able to slack off like that without getting fired. He's got MY vote... DAMN! Burned the fries again!"

But even though Obama leads in work-ethicless whites, he must still find a way to overcome Clinton's lead among those who never completed college, leaving the Illinois senator scrambling for the "ignorant & alabaster" voting bloc.

"Now, it IS true," admitted Obama, "that Hillary leads with the stupid white demographic, but with my slick patter and suave, articulate charisma, I expect to be able to sucker these idiots into 'going for the O' come November. I mean, anyone dumb enough to fall for a Nigerian scam e-mail has already proven that they'll fall for unrealistic promises made by a black man, so I've pretty well got this election in the bag."

Rating: 2.4/5 (35 votes cast)

Comments (6) | Newsish Fakery
Top Ten Things We'll Miss About Hillary Clinton
Posted by Frank J. at 11:01 AM | Email This

It's pretty much over for Hillary, to the point that if Hillary can somehow grab the Democrat nomination now, I'll vote for her on principle in the general for being the most conniving politician ever and I would love to see unleashed on our enemies. Her presidential bid has been good for introspection, though, as I used to hate her, saw the crazy Bush hate, and then see those same crazies against her. It makes me ask myself whether I was ever like them. Did I ever lose sight that Hillary, despite my disagreements with her, is still just a sincere but flawed human being?

I'm going to miss her, and I'm going to miss her for ten ordered reasons:


10. That special way our soul aches every time we see her.

9. The way her laugh rid the neighborhood of stray cats.

8. How her smile melts steel.

7. When she said she'd obliterate a country, you knew she meant it.

6. How, despite all the trouble he's caused, she's spared the life of her husband because she still loves him.

5. The way she referred to babies as "fresh souls" as if she were talking about produce.

4. How in her debates with Obama, you could see in her eyes that she was truly plotting to kill him.

3. When she went to YearlyKos, the Kos Kids would scatter and hide under furniture like cockroaches.

2. How she'd fight for universal healthcare despite the fact that you knew in her heart she wouldn't care if we all died.

And the number one thing we'll miss about Hillary Clinton...


Rating: 2.4/5 (37 votes cast)

Comments (23)
May 09, 2008
Obama's Senior Moment
Posted by Frank J. at 06:01 PM | Email This

Was that a bad joke? And if not, did he really not catch himself when people started laughing?

Maybe he needs to start wearing a flag pin so he could use the stars on it as a reference.

Best guess is he meant he had been to 47 states (since he implies there are three states he hasn't been to). McCain would not get away with that gaffe.

(hat tip Hot Air)


This is a good point. Isn't this way dumber than anything Dan Quayle said? What's better known: The spelling of "potato" or how many states are in the union? What's better known if you're a U.S. Senator (not from Idaho)?

Rating: 2.8/5 (32 votes cast)

Comments (30)
A Story, Bit by Bit
Hellbender: Chapter 26 - Empty
Posted by Frank J. at 04:03 PM | Email This


Bryce sat on his hotel room's balcony overlooking the ocean. He was in his bathrobe and had a glass of champagne in hand. "This is the life we deserve."

Lulu, also in a bathrobe, walked next to Bryce and downed a glass of champagne in one gulp. "You don't find the view a bit distracting." It was a beautiful blue sky over the water, but if was blotted by a bit of darkness off to one corner. More wasteland, which had taken over much of the sea. "Hell, it's symbolic almost."

His eyes did keep darting to that darkness, and his thoughts went with it. "I'm sure the Trans will fix what they screwed up one day."

Lulu tossed her glass off the balcony. "I don't think any people will be left to see that."

Lulu hadn't exactly been her light-hearted self. Bryce wanted to get away from her, but he really didn't want to be alone either. He felt awful about Doug, but the simple fact was there was nothing they could do about him. They just had to give it time and they'd be able to move on and enjoy their success.

"I'm going to get dressed; you should too. We shouldn't leave Charlene alone." Lulu headed back in the room.

Bryce took one last look at the darkness in the distance. It alternately looked empty and filled with things writhing inside it. He headed back in the room and sat on the bed while Lulu got dressed. "I hate being around Charlene."

"She hates being around us." Lulu threw on jeans and a t-shirt. "She always has, but that's never stopped us from being there for each other before."

"Fine, but then we start living like we're successes." He sipped his champagne. It was a little too dry for a morning drink. "We're rich; we can do whatever we want. If you could do anything, Lulu, what would you do? I know you've thought about it all the times we've been struggling."

Lulu's face turned uncharacteristically serious. "I want to have a baby."

Bryce groaned. "Why don't you jump off that balcony if you're going be like this."

"Hey! You asked!" Lulu shouted while putting her hair back in pigtails.

"You'd make a horrible mother, Lulu."

She started to tear up. "I'd be a different person if being a mother were a possibility."

Bryce was starting to think Charlene might be the more pleasant one to be around. He'd really wanted to be around a guy friend right now, but the only friend he really had was--

Bryce tried to shake the thought out of his head. "You can't be a different person. You are who you are. I am who I am. We're horrible people -- just less horrible than everyone else. I can live with that."

Lulu had already dried her eyes. "I know what you want more than anything else. It's the same as Charlene."

Bryce didn't want to hear it, but he knew there was no stopping her. "What's that?"

Lulu headed to the bathroom to put on her makeup. "Respect. Can't buy that either -- at least not any you'll believe in."

Bryce rolled his eyes. "Very trite. And you don't want respect, Tri-Lu?"

"Obviously not; I just slept with you again."

That stung a little, even though it shouldn't have. "I was just trying to comfort you. I didn't enjoy it any."

Lulu was busy with her eyelashes. "Ever wonder what's the underlying cause of your serial misogyny?"

"No, because that's a made up word."

There was a knock at the door. More of a pounding, actually. Bryce then realized he was still in his bathrobe with Lulu in the room and instantly felt he should cover that up, but he decided he just didn't care. He walked over and let Charlene in. She was in a tank top and sweat pants and looked like she had been working out all morning -- as if the tiny thing could put on any muscle mass. She made a quick glance at Bryce and Lulu who had stepped out of the bathroom, then looked like she just decided to ignore it. "I've been thinking, and I'm not going to give up on Doug without at least trying something."

Bryce sighed. "You have fun with that, then."

"It's not necessarily impossible for us to do something about him." Charlene looked determined, and Bryce knew there wasn't any stopping her when she was like that.

"What do you want to do, Charlene?"

"There's someone we should at least try talking to before we can conclude nothing can be done."

It didn't take Bryce long to figure out who she meant. "That's a horrible idea. Why don't we all just jump off the balcony if we're going to have ideas like this?"

Lulu flicked him in the back of his ear. "Why don't we just throw you off the balcony and do this ourselves."

Bryce laughed. "Because you can't do this yourselves. You're two women. Women are useless. Weaker and dumber than men and you can't even make up for it by having children anymore." He picked up his phone and tried to figure out who to dial for this one. "How's that for misogyny?"

* * * *

Doug wanted out. He wanted to claw his way out of this universe if possible. He was quite certain Ronove had not succeeded in destroying his soul, but he wish he had if that meant an end.

Doug wasn't sure where he was now. It was probably a dark cell he had been tossed into, but he didn't pay much attention. This physical world meant nothing. It was the other one he wanted to escape. He lay on the ground in a ball, trying to figure out how to flee things he couldn't even understand.

"You've probably figured it out yourself," someone standing over him said, "but death is not an escape from the torment. Quite the opposite, perhaps."

He knew that voice. Doug regained enough of his senses to stand up and look at Stan face to face. And then he tackled him.

* * * *

Dammon sat in his office smoking a cigar and drinking a glass of cognac. He so enjoyed the pleasures of this world, but he knew that to best enjoy them required restraint -- and restraint was hard when he could summon anything he wanted in an instant. But pleasure was worth the work, so he relaxed some now and then he would handle some business before enjoying this world some more. With the whole "bunny cube" mess and the movements of the various nations on that issue, he was going to have to do something about it to keep his own position of power.

Fun time was over, as one of his women came in with the business, dressed in proper business attire as he demanded professionalism during work hours. He could remember what she looked like under it anyway. He only had the most beautiful women in his employment, as why would he waste his time with any others. "We have word that the group Hellbender wants to see you."

Dammon chuckled. "Excellent. Set up a meeting for them this afternoon." He had been looking forward to meeting them. There was no reason he couldn't also enjoy business.


Rating: 2.7/5 (35 votes cast)

Comments (6) | Hellbender Take Two
Line of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 02:28 PM | Email This

This does make sense. Obama can't safely wear a flag pin around the company he keeps. And if Ayers did stomp him, the poor guy would get accused of racism when he really just hates America.

Rating: 2.3/5 (31 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Random Thought
Posted by Frank J. at 12:38 PM | Email This

If they did a movie about my life, I think it would be awesome to be played by Samuel L. Jackson.

Rating: 2.3/5 (29 votes cast)

Comments (32)
Can We Ask?
Posted by Frank J. at 12:06 PM | Email This

That's the RNC I remember:

We can't win with just negative ads (we're the party that actually likes this country, so we should be positive), but it will help. Also, I'm glad they're going after him on the "present" voting on controversial issues. His only experience is voting yes and no on stuff, and even that is marked with cowardice.

Here's my questions for Obama:

What exactly is your process for picking out a church?

With those ears you have, do you ever think you might not be aerodynamic enough to be president?

In regards to your plans for dealing with the war and terrorism, are you some sort of homo?

While your trying to distance yourself from crazy America-haters, are you going to divorce your wife?

I know you've only been a Senator for a couple weeks, but with all your plans to raise taxes to help the economy, I have to ask whether you know what an economy actually is?

Are your slavish followers starting to creep you out?

Unlike them, can you name an accomplishment or absolutely anything you've done that might suggest you won't be a complete disaster running this country?

Is your fear of law-abiding citizens having guns based on you know how incompetent you are with anything important?

If an important call comes at three in the morning, do you think you'll have gotten your head unstuck from the bucket by then?

Rating: 2.6/5 (29 votes cast)

Comments (18)
Top Ten Signs Hillary Should Drop Out
Posted by Harvey at 11:05 AM | Email This

10) Couldn't get enough delegates to win now even if Arthur Andersen were counting the ballots.

9) New "Obama '08" sticker on Bill's back bumper.

8) New "Obama '08" tattoo on Chelsea's lower back.

7) Her "Presidency for her soul" contract with Satan turned out to have an "articulate black man" escape clause.

6) The vice-presidency is still an option, since McCain hasn't picked anyone yet.

5) She's exhausted from the endless routine of long days of campaigning followed by waking up to yet ANOTHER horse head in her bed from Howard Dean.

4) Jeremiah Wright offered his endorsement.

3) No realistic chance of winning based on recent reports of flat sales of winter sporting equipment in brimstone-combusting punishment-oriented afterlife ethereal planes.

2) She's plainly unelectable, since most of her voter base is too senile to vote for anyone except for Pat Buchanan come November, anyway.

and the number 1 sign that Hillary should drop out (see extended entry):


Rating: 2.6/5 (34 votes cast)

Comments (6) | Election 2008
May 08, 2008
Spur of the Moment Prediction
Posted by Frank J. at 06:01 PM | Email This

After President Bush leaves the White House, it won't be very long until he's universally well liked again. That includes you.

Rating: 2.6/5 (29 votes cast)

Comments (29)
Housing Sales Go Up!
Posted by Frank J. at 03:19 PM | Email This

Sold the house in Florida today -- and barely for a huge amount less than we owed on it! I may still be jobless, but I'm not quite as pathetic anymore. In fact, I see this as an early indicator that the economy is about to surge into a new Golden Age.

And while it was disappointing to have to write a big check to sell our house, I feel that the peace of mind of non-home ownership is worth it.

So, for all those struggling right now, know that good times are just around the corner. It is America.

Rating: 2.5/5 (31 votes cast)

Comments (11)
Liberals on FOX News: Why They're Right
Posted by Frank J. at 12:45 PM | Email This

I probably use a million things as a starting point for this post, but I might as well pick on Kevin Drum as he's one of the few left-wing bloggers I still kinda like. I saw this through Hot Air, and it's a post on how the blogosphere doesn't have as much influence as it thinks (to me it's like the internet bubble, for a while the blogosphere had influence simply because politicians believed it had influence). In the post, Drum agrees with the Democrats on ignoring the whining of the tykes at the Daily Kos and going on FOX News, but he also says this off-hand:

"Objecting to Fox hosting a Democratic debate is one thing: it really doesn't make sense to have a Democratic event hosted by an obvious arm of the Republican Party."
Another thing to fight against if real world problems are too scary.
Now, I'm not very old, but I still remember back when conservatives had pretty much nothing. There was a couple papers and the National Review, but those didn't get much circulation outside of people who weren't already conservative. The rest of the media was completely liberal.

Now, there are flat-earthers who will deny that the media is liberal despite all the surveys of journalists' political leanings. I've never quite understood why its death to these people to admit liberal bias because that doesn't imply liberalism is wrong. Maybe they just really want to believe their fringe beliefs (and liberals in America have always been a small minority and always smaller than conservatives) are mainstream.

Anyway, conservatives somehow kept on going. Reagan was even elected and reelected in these conditions because its hard to keep good ideas down even when they're filtered through so much crap (and it's not framing; you have to have ideas that appeal to humanity).

Then there was Limbaugh. Liberals freaked out. Conservatives had completely taken over one small, insignificant part of the media, and liberal fascists came out in full force. Now, most of them are at least self-aware enough not to try and just throw Rush Limbaugh off the air, so their efforts were more to marginalize him with things like the Fairness Doctrine. They also ridiculed him every chance they got. In fairness, he ridiculed them -- it's just his ridicule was more accurate while they attacked him for made up things like that the purpose of his call screener was to keep off people who disagreed with him and that Rush was a racist (he is a conservative).

Capitalism being what it is, it became obvious that people were starved for different media than the liberal crap that was available. So there was FOX News. I remember the first time I saw it and noticed something different. They had a positive story on gun ownership. My initial reaction was, "That's blatantly right-wing!" Then I thought about it. A very significant portion of Americans are for gun ownership, but I had never seen a positive story on gun ownership in the news before. While such a story seemed right-wing in comparison to the other media, it was actually just balance and reflecting the viewpoints of America. The media was so horrible that something actually "fair and balanced" would appear right-wing.

As we all know, FOX News was a huge success, and has garnered hate and ridicule like no news station before it. Now, from our perspective, the liberals constantly complaining about FOX News is extremely silly. All the complaints they make about FOX News could be made ten fold of about any other news channel. Liberals object to FOX News being "a wing of the Republican Party" but the other news had been openly routing for Democrats for decades. It's not even very right-wing; we just have it on all the time because we like to know the news and the other channels are just too irritatingly liberal for us to stand the condescension. So why would liberals complain when they have all the other media and even publicly funded liberal media like PBS and NPR which conservatives are forced to pay for?

I think I know the answer, and it's not all that liberals are fascists who feel the need to crack down on anything that challenges their viewpoints (though, that is a part of it). Let's reflect a moment on how unnatural FOX News is. If all the rest of the media was naturally liberal, then it took some intervention to make FOX News not so. It's clearly artificial. If you look at it that way, you can somewhat understand liberals objections to it. Even if FOX News is really a fair and balanced channel (I see it as slightly right of moderate) it took very clear right-wing bias to move it to moderate from the liberalism it should naturally exist in. FOX News is a product of much more blatant right wing bias than other media is of left wing bias. None of the other channels went left wing to win viewers; they're just there because journalists tend to be liberal idiots. It's like a dog that doesn't chase after squirrels. It's in the dogs instinct to chase and to kill. It might be good for the dog not to chase, but the fact that it doesn't points to that someone intervened on the dog's behavior. Similarly, journalist like to educate the dumb folk in the fly over country about how liberal viewpoints are better. If journalists aren't doing that, then someone obviously intervened.

So, FOX News is the product of right wing bias. Not only that, it is a threat to liberals. We can laugh off most of the liberal crap out there because it's stupid and will only influence the gullible. Liberals, on the other hand, think they're the only smart ones and that everyone else is a gullible dupe waiting for right wing ideas to activate their inner Nazis. It is true, though, that simply by having right-wing ideas discussed openly anywhere converts way more people than left-wing ideas repeated over and over everywhere. As a kid, I was naturally liberal because I didn't know any better. My parents are conservative Republicans, but they didn't discuss politics much, so my political ideas were the touchy feely concepts I'd pick up from school and TV. I thought all problems could be solved by taking away all the guns and giving lots of money to poor people. It only took a couple of times of my parents having Rush Limbaugh on in the car for me to say, "Wow. That viewpoint makes a lot more sense." And I've never looked back.

Most people aren't very politically active. Obsessing on politics like many of us do is really a geeky thing. For most people, they'll seize on whatever sounds most logical and appeals to their values, and that's where conservatism wins out. If you have a fair and balanced channel watched by many people where conservative ideas are given a fair shake, then it's going to convert many people to the conservative viewpoint. So liberals are right to worry about right-wing views appearing anywhere average people may see or hear them. Why are college campuses so liberal? Because it provides a place where liberals can be completely free of alternative views or even one person saying, "That's completely insane." And it often only takes one to shatter illusions as fragile as inhibited liberalism will produce. While having something like FOX News doesn't insure conservatives will triumph and liberalism will be as marginalized as stupid ideas should be, it certainly helps. Also, its a huge obstacle to liberals taking over in America, and they're well aware of it.

Liberalism often seems like less of an ideology and more of a system of coordinated hissy fits, and their railing against FOX News seems to be very emblematic of that. If you look closely, though, you can see the rationale behind they're anger about it. When you understand that, it's less frustrating. And then you can just go back to ignoring it.

Rating: 2.5/5 (43 votes cast)

Comments (22) | Editorials
Like a Christmas Gift, Full of Joy and Surprises
Posted by Harvey at 11:12 AM | Email This

President Bush asked for $100 billion to fund the war until September. The Democrats are sending him a bill that authorizes over $180 billion.

What's the extra money for?:

Democrats report breakthrough in alternative fuels.

* Upgrading the military to the latest in Left-handed bolt-action rifles.

* Re-re-rehab for The Ted.

* AIDS research. Specifically to discover a strain that won't bypass Reverend Wright like that shoddy original design.

* Eliminate wasteful porkbarrel projects and replace them with earmarks and boondoggles, so as not to offend Muslims.

* Glitter pens for closet girly-girl Nancy Pelosi.

* Educational grants to ensure that America's new government-run health care system has a sufficient supply of bureaucrats who be able meet the system's tough standards for incompetence and surliness.

* Another 100 cases of Magic-8 Balls for Harry Reid who has developed a no-longer-plausibly deniable addiction to the mysterious blue fluid inside.

* Changing the appearance of US Currency once again with the security feature you knew this color scheme was leading to - a Rich Uncle Pennybags hologram.

* A new anti-smoking media blitz (for the children).

* A new subsidy for tobacco farmers (for the adults).

Actually, I'm endorsing this bill because it also contains $900 million for Peter Jackson to re-make Star Wars Episodes I through III without George Lucas or Jar-Jar.

Rating: 2.3/5 (31 votes cast)

Comments (21)
May 07, 2008
WE update
Posted by Harvey at 11:37 PM | Email This

Volunteers are still stepping forward, and I'm still processing the virtual paperwork.

Meanwhile, some thoughts:

1) Terms associated with this project:

Operation ScreWE - getting me appointed a WeLeader.

WEtard - someone who actually believes and supports WE's global warming nutjobbery. (Hat tip: Rubeus)

WEsistance - people who actively oppose the WE project

I of the WEsistance - someone who signs up for WE for purposes of ideological espionage.

"WEsistance is facile" - proposed motto.

2) What is stage 2?:

Not sure yet, but I'd like it to be something that makes them squander their resources, which are time, money, and credibility. Anything we can do that makes them use these ineffectually is good.

But more importantly, the process has to be FUN. Yes, I hate these people and everything they believe and stand for, but in the end, I'm doing this for my own amusement and your entertainment.

3) When is the shirt coming?

The membership drive extends until May 30th, so I'm assuming they'll hand out prizes sometime after that. Stage 2 will be something to do while we're waiting.

More to come as I make it up.

Rating: 2.5/5 (37 votes cast)

Comments (21) | WEsistance Is Facile
So Under the Helmet Was Obama This Whole Time?
Posted by Frank J. at 11:04 PM | Email This

I'm not quite sure what this is, but it's kinda awesome:

(hat tip Hot Air)

Rating: 2.3/5 (30 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Because They Know Winning
Posted by Frank J. at 03:10 PM | Email This

Obama now has the coveted McGovern endorsement. Now all he needs are the endorsements of Mondale, Dukakis, Carter, Gore, Kerry, the Buffalo Bills, and guys over thirty who still live with their parents.

Rating: 3.0/5 (30 votes cast)

Comments (32)
Posted by Frank J. at 02:13 PM | Email This

If Obama is forced to make the ticket Obama/Clinton, do you think Hillary will wait until after he's inaugurated to murder Obama or do it while he's president elect?

Rating: 2.4/5 (28 votes cast)

Comments (25)
That's Not a Market, That's...
Posted by Harvey at 01:07 PM | Email This
"With this hand I will bitch-slap OPEC into submission"

Hillary is threatening OPEC with... anti-trust laws.

Not bombs, tanks, missiles, or the most fearsome Army ever to kick up the dust of conquered nations, but word-spattered pieces of highly ignorable paper.

Utterly pointless

If she REALLY wants to crush these bastards without the fun of military destruction, it's pretty simple. Roll back our hysterically oversensitive dirt & vermin protection laws, and start letting oil companies drill & refine the ocean of oil reserves whose very existence makes hippies march around with giant, burning, Exxon effigy-puppets. We'd have OPEC curled up in a corner crying like a candy-stolen baby in 2 years, tops.

But that would cost some of the profits that Hillary wants to tax the crap out of, so that's off the table.

Anyway, I can't help noticing that her specific criticism of OPEC is that they "get together once every couple of months in some conference room in some plush place in the world" and that "that's not a market, that's a monopoly".

Actually a "monopoly" is "exclusive control by one group of the means of producing or selling a commodity or service".

Her description is actually one of several other things:

* Bill's sex life

* Congress

* John McCain and conservatism.

* Superdelegates

* The people whose job it is to cancel every show Nathan Fillion appears on (I'm STILL pissed about Drive).

* Terrorist leaders who don't know their plush place is being laser designated.

* Britney's intervention planners.

* Microsoft's "Oops! Missed THAT security hole!" team.

* Hollywood studios who honestly believe that their anti-war movie will turn a profit.

* People who sell bad acid and Battlestar Galactica script-writers, although these meetings are, apparently, a weekly thing this season.

* Al Gore and record-breaking cold temperatures.

So what else "isn't a market"?

Rating: 2.2/5 (31 votes cast)

Comments (10)
What We're Running Against
Posted by Frank J. at 11:58 AM | Email This

Since Obama is most like the Democrat nominee, let's look at the strength and weaknesses of him:


* Little experience.
* No accomplishments.
* Poor judgment.
* A history of hanging out with anti-American scumbags.
* Lies when politically convenient.
* Wherever he isn't exceptionally bad, he's just a typical politician.
* Liberal.


* He's black, so his election will be historic.

So, basically the argument for Obama is that you should vote for him if you really want there to be a black president and don't care if he's a huge disaster (like Mayor Dinkins). Far in the future, people will look back to this period of history and say, "This is when America elected its first black president. He was so horrible -- he had his head stuck in a bucket half his presidency -- that many of the people who voted for him then voted to repeal the Fifteenth Amendment. Dark, dark times. We're still recovering. Notice how we still don't have flying cars? It's far in the future, and cars still don't fly. That's ridiculous. Someone needs to get their ass moving on that."

Rating: 2.4/5 (33 votes cast)

Comments (19)
It's Not Over for Hillary!
Posted by Frank J. at 10:57 AM | Email This

So Obama had a huge win in North Carolina while Hillary had a tiny win in Indiana. It's looking pretty bad for Hillary, but there are still some scenarios that could lead to the superdelegates giving her the nomination:

* Video emerges showing that Obama was not only present during a vile Jeremiah Wright rant, he was in the front row shouting, "Kill whitey!" (that's the Trinity church's version of "Amen").

* Obama, not realizing the mike is on, tells an aide how he really is secretly a Muslim and is only becoming president so he can nuke America with its own weapons to allow the jihadis to win.

* It's found out that Obama sent Ayers a check for a large sum of money with the "For" line filled out with "More bombs."

* He's hit by a bus.

If I know Hillary, she's already working on making at least one of those happen.

Rating: 2.5/5 (29 votes cast)

Comments (12)
May 06, 2008
Primary Open Thread
Posted by Frank J. at 09:22 PM | Email This

Inconclusive, but probably overall a victory for Hope as well as Change.

Here's a neat story about Indiana's new law requiring ID to vote (that's crazy!). One guy even used an improper ID even though he had a state driver's license just so he could complain about being disenfranchised. That's liberals for you; they like to complain, especially about unimportant pissy little things. You can punch them for it, but then they'll complain about that!

Solution: Punch them once more. They shut up after the second punch.

Rating: 2.6/5 (32 votes cast)

Comments (11)
A Story, Bit by Bit
Hellbender: Chapter 25 - Looking Beyond
Posted by Frank J. at 05:18 PM | Email This


As usual, Doug had no idea what was going on.

He seemed to be strapped to a table. There was odd machinery all around him humming as it went about its unknown purpose. The hum eventually ceased, the machinery moved away, and table repositioned itself so now that Doug was held upright.

"You're awake." In the room was a bald man in a lab coat, his eyes concealed behind dark goggles. His face was pot marked, and he approached Doug in an awkward gait.

"What's going on?" Doug asked, his voice a bit slurred. He felt like he must have been drugged as he was a bit dizzy and had trouble focusing.

The man approached a computer console. "I'm checking your multi-dimensional signature," he said in a complete monotone. "It looks the same as that for any of the Last Children." He looked at Doug. "I've heard things about you, though, and needed to check."

There was something quite odd to this man, though Doug couldn't put his finger on what it was. He looked human -- certainly not perfect like the Hallowed -- but there was an inhuman quality to him as well. It was if the man's existence just perturbed Doug, much like the cube.

The cube! Doug saw it on a pedestal, some more machinery around it. Though his arms were strapped tight to the table, he still felt like he could reach out and touch the cube.

There was a loud beeping, and the man lurched over to the cube and pressed some buttons on the equipment. "So, Doug, do you have any idea what is inside this object?"

Doug was about to answer, but he got caught up again in how odd the man is. It wasn't his voice. It wasn't his appearance. It was something odd to just his existence, as far as Doug could understand. "You're one of the Transcendents."

"Interesting you would conclude that." He walked back over to Doug, looking at him with his expressionless face and hidden eyes. "It is correct, though. I am called Ronove. I created myself this human body -- not a simple thing -- because I find operating out of the rules of this universe can affect my experiments. We are not natural to this world, and you can see the wastelands as evidence of that. Our mere presence in this manner has caused the universe to break down in places -- but at least it seems to no longer be a growing problem."

"You do experiments?"

"This universe is a point of reference to all the others. I find to understand all there is and how it connects, I need to observe things from this universe." He walked back to the cube. "Take this device. It is a small, insignificant looking thing here, but it appears to be something quite immense anchored to the three spatial and one temporal dimension you are quite used to." He touched it. "Do you why there are rodents drawn into its sides?"

"I think Lulu put them there because the cube scared her." It surprised Doug how quickly he volunteered the information. He felt a bit out of control of himself.

"So that is unimportant -- as I thought. Now, Doug, once again I ask, what do you think is in this?"

"The barrier that kept you out of this world." Doug said, hearing that idea for the first time as he said it. It seemed to make sense, though.

"That is the theory." Ronove hobbled close to Doug. He really looked quite uncomfortable in his human body. "Now who told you of this?"

"Stan. He said he is the Devil." Doug couldn't stop himself from speaking, but he wasn't sure he wanted to stop. "He told me about you all. That you're demons. You're evil... but I think I knew that already."

"Yes, that sound like him -- the Outsider as we know him. It's interesting how he fits himself into your old mythology, because much like the Devil of the Bible, he means ill for us all -- human and otherwise."

"I don't trust him, but I don't think he's lied to me."

Ronove slowly walked over to another computer console. "The Outsider made the cube. He is quite wily, so I doubt it will be easy to determine whether the device is truly powerful or merely a distraction he made for his own purposes. What I think I can conclude is that you are not the Outsider taken human form as Asmod suspected. It seems more to the Outsider's character that he would manipulate a human to his purposes. What is different is how overt he has been in that -- to come out and even identify himself in his own way."

Doug's table began to move placing him horizontal once again. "What are you going to do to me?"

"I will not try to understand what the Outsider's plans were for you." Ronove walked over and stood above Doug. He smelled horrible; Doug suspected he didn't take particularly good care of his body. "As far as I'm concerned," Ronove continued, "there is nothing more I can learn about him from you, so I might as well go ahead and use you to learn other things. You might be interested to know that some of that biblical mythology has basis in fact. The human soul can be a somewhat powerful thing, and prayers can help focus it." Ronove walked out of view and it sounded like he was working some equipment. "It's more the visualization than the plea to the concept of a supreme being, but the effects on probability are measurable from a certain dimensional perspective. Our altering of this world's barrier have changed all that, though." He walked back to Doug and looked down on him with a certain smug satisfaction though his expression was an empty as always. "I can now say with scientific certainty that your prayers are futile."

The table moved so now Doug was enclosed within a tube. It was dark, but he could see a number of glowing probes. He struggled to get out, but he had no energy to fight. "What are you doing?!"

"Though your souls have no power, they still are impediments to us," Ronove said from somewhere outside the tube. "I'm trying to figure out how to destroy those impediments."

"You're going to destroy my soul?" Doug got a small burst of energy for struggling, but it was of no use. "What happens to me if you do that?"

"Hopefully we'll find out very soon." Though Ronove's voice was still completely monotone, Doug could somehow sense a laugh following that statement. "Do not worry, though; this won't hurt." The probes began to glow brighter. "Pain is something your mind can comprehend. This should be much worse than pain."


Rating: 2.2/5 (38 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Hellbender Take Two
Posted by Frank J. at 04:06 PM | Email This

Tonight shouldn't decide anything about the Democrat Primary, so at what point does the DNC need to come out and say, "Sorry, looks like we can't decide on a candidate. Go ahead and start the general election cycle without us; I don't think we're going to get things together to participate this year."?

Rating: 2.3/5 (33 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Democrat Primaries Tonight
Posted by Frank J. at 12:38 PM | Email This

There are Democrat primaries in Indiana and North Carolina tonight and Hillary Clinton campaign sent out this statement:

Our own polling shows that Senator Clinton is down by 100% in both states, and because of Senator Obama's negative campaigning, it will be amazing if Senator Clinton gets even one vote. Were she to get four or five votes, that would be an amazing victory for Senator Clinton to beat expectations by that much. Were she to get more than that -- well that's just foolish speculations of such an amazingly fantastic outcome that I don't even think we should bother commenting on it. We're just hoping that Senator Clinton get perhaps eight votes total between the two races, though we'll be quite happy with six.

I don't know; do you think they're strategically trying to lower expectations so they can better claim a huge victory tonight?

Rating: 2.6/5 (32 votes cast)

Comments (20)
lolterizt! Part 46
Posted by Harvey at 11:57 AM | Email This

Just in case Hillary tanks in Indiana & North Carolina and decides to drop out, I'm making next week a special lolhilry! version. Caption up your favorite Hil-pic and send it to lolterizt-at-gmail.com by midnight next Saturday, May 10th (I usually start putting these together on Sundays).

Meanwhile, pass 'em around, spread the love, and if you post your own, don't be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.

eskimo kiss.jpg

fudd terizt.jpg

ice cream truck.jpg

ladies room.jpg

medium rare.jpg

my yellow brick road.jpg
[wtf is this image?]

From Geah:
[reference link]

From Windbag:
got 72.jpg

From Bryan:

From Raving Lunatic:
sheep crabs.jpg

From Xaetognath:
bunny AP.jpg

From acrazymic:
unsafe driving.jpg

#1: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won't end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

HAT TIP: Snapped Shot for handy links to ripe-for-captioning photos.

Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and - if they aren't obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don't suck too terribly bad - I'll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

Rating: 2.6/5 (42 votes cast)

Comments (3) | lolterizt
If Only McCain Were More Like This
Posted by Frank J. at 09:47 AM | Email This

McCain Declines Secret Service, Dares Assassins To Try Something

Rating: 2.5/5 (30 votes cast)

Comments (10)
May 05, 2008
WE Thought
Posted by Harvey at 10:46 PM | Email This

It just occurred to me - no matter how blatantly mocking of hippieness your WEhugger sacrificial e-mail name is, the tools in charge of the project will not catch on. They'll simply assume that you're being self-deprecatingly ironic.

Rating: 2.1/5 (38 votes cast)

Comments (10) | WEsistance Is Facile
Hellbender Note
Posted by Frank J. at 08:50 PM | Email This

Sorry, I'm getting a bit behind on Hellbender and should have the next part up tomorrow.

Just to be clear since I don't remember mentioning it, it is not a continuation of the previous attempt and meant to be a story by itself. Also, I know I'm not a very technically good writer, and its just supposed to be entertaining pulp. Basically, I keep coming up with story ideas whether I want to or not, I don't have the patience (or, perhaps, the skill) to get published through traditional means, so I've decided to indulge myself and write here because I have an audience. I really appreciate everyone who is reading it and promise to finish it this time.

Rating: 2.1/5 (31 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Posted by Frank J. at 04:28 PM | Email This

Isn't it way too early to make Jindal a VP nominee? He's only been governor like for a week now -- sure he's accomplished more in that week than Obama has in his couple years in the Senate -- but give him time. Being VP stunts your growth; you don't do anything while VP. Let the guy rack up some more experience getting Louisiana on the right track, and by the time he's Obama's age he should be unbeatable. He's our young Reagan in waiting; let's not waste him.

Rating: 2.5/5 (33 votes cast)

Comments (24)
One Person, One Vote
Posted by Frank J. at 03:49 PM | Email This

Jim Geraghty is making fun of how the Democratics are having trouble with their own "one person, one vote" principle, but I don't see it. Everyone still gets one vote. It's just that some votes are worth more than others while other voters are completely worthless and ignored.

But you still only get one, regardless of the vote's quality.

... Unless you're a superdelegate and also vote in a primary, but if you have the power of a superdelegate, why would you waste your time voting with the hoi polloi?

Rating: 2.3/5 (33 votes cast)

Comments (8)
I'm Confused
Posted by Frank J. at 03:14 PM | Email This

I'm watching the news, and Laura Bush is on right now talking about Burma and its disaster, condemning their government, and answering questions from the press about our foreign policy relations with them. Did Bush run out of employees or something and had use his wife?

Rating: 1.9/5 (30 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Should Our Military Be a Bigger Bunch of Bastards?
Posted by Frank J. at 01:03 PM | Email This

It's Monday, so time for another diary saying that a war with Iran is about to happen "really really super soon!" to make the top of the recommended list on Daily Kos.

He'd be hard to hunt down and kill since he can hide in a sock drawer.
How would we do that, though? Do we have enough troops at the ready? I guess we could declare "we've decided to leave Iraq" one day and move all the troops out of there and right into Iran.

Now, if we've decided occupations are too messy and we don't care about rebuilding, how many troops would it take to totally @#$% Iran in a non-nuclear way? If we wanted to just go in there, blow up a bunch of crap, and leave, I don't think that really takes a lot of manpower. I mean, the mission objective will just be "destroy lots of stuff" and that's what our military does better than anyone else in the world. It's the stuff afterwards that takes all the time and people. If we decided that, after Iraq, countries can rebuild themselves, I think that makes things a lot simpler.

"Won't that just make them mad and have them come back after us when they rebuild?" some ask. The answer is: Maybe. But they'll be much weaker. And then we can just wash, rinse, and repeat. Easy-Peasy.

So, if things are looking bad with Iran -- such as more proof they're supplying weapons against our troops in Iraq -- we just threaten them that we're going to kick the crap out of them. We're not going to install a new government -- the citizen can do that themselves if they want -- but if they cause more trouble, we'll come back and kick the crap out of them again, and the second time will be even easier.

Now, I'm not a military expert -- I just play one on my blog -- but am I missing anything? Wouldn't that be pretty simple? If people are horrified by that, they can go over themselves and help out in humanitarian ways -- it just won't be the military's job. Our military is not going to be liked by most countries, so why try? Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think most people signed up to the military because they wanted hugs.

Rating: 2.5/5 (30 votes cast)

Comments (29)
Posted by Harvey at 12:06 PM | Email This


In the above Obama campaign commercial, he criticizes McCain's proposed summer gas tax holiday because it would only save "about 25, 30 dollars".

His point being, I suppose, that such a piddly little savings would make zero difference in the lives of those on the receiving end.

Which may be true of politicians whose net worth stretches into the 7 digit range, but for working schlubs like me, that money means I get to live the Dollar Menunaire lifestyle for a solid month.

But if $25-$30 is so insignificant, why is it that when Obama's campaign site asks for contributions, not only is $25 one of the options, so is $10.

He needs a new campaign commercial:

"So, I'm here to tell you the truth. I could collect tiny campaign contributions for 6 months, but that's not going to get me to the White House. Donations of 25 or 30 dollars? That's like half a tank of gas." [supporters in the crowd snicker]

"That's typical of how small-town gun-&-religion-clinging racists work. There's a problem, they're upset about campaign prices -- let's find some short-term, quick-fix, that we can say we did something, even though were not really doing anything." [Audience full of rich white people nods in approval]. "I cannot be delivered into the White house unless we change how fund-raising is done in America. I've got to go out to the oil companies and threaten them with 'price-gouging' investigations so that they'll write big, fat checks to my campaign to get me to call off the dogs"

"And the little people have got to start using less oil so they can afford to start sending me big, fat checks, too. That's the real honest answer to how I'm going to solve this problem." [standing ovation] "That's what you need from a President... someone who's going to tell you the truth."

I agree, Barack. Is $25 significant, or is it nothing? Tell us the truth.

Rating: 2.7/5 (39 votes cast)

Comments (17) | Election 2008
Democratics Love Guns!
Posted by Frank J. at 10:57 AM | Email This

Tell me if you can immediately see what's wrong with this picture:

This is a Hillary mailer about how bad Obama is on guns. Some people are making a big deal about the error in it thinking it will jump out at hunters (and when something jumps out at hunters, they shoot it). I heard the error before I saw the image, so I can't say whether it would jump out at me (but I see pistols on a much more regular basis than rifles).

Anyway, I think it's pretty cool that both Hillary and Obama are arguing that the other is worse on guns. They're arguing guns from the right in the Democrat Primary! Despite how things have gone bad for conservatives lately, we still win.

Rating: 2.7/5 (27 votes cast)

Comments (28)
May 04, 2008
Quick Question - UPDATED 5-4-08 10:45pm CDT
Posted by Harvey at 06:57 PM | Email This

Does anyone know the name of the WE font?

we font.jpg

The shape of the "l" seems to be its most distinctive feature.

If I'm going to make fun of these idiots, I'm going to need this font to do it right.

Trebuchet MS bold (bottom) is very close, but not quite it:

climate crisis trebuchet.jpg

I'll settle for that if I have to, but an exact match would be better.

UPDATE 5-4-08 10:45pm CDT - if anyone has used font creator software, would it be possible to reverse-engineer the font using the samples from the WE front page? They show about 20 letters.

Rating: 2.4/5 (38 votes cast)

Comments (35) | WEsistance Is Facile
May 03, 2008
We-ing in process... stand by... - UPDATED 5-4-08 12:45 am CDT
Posted by Harvey at 03:16 PM | Email This

Looks like there are enough volunteers to start, but first I need to test this out with one of my alternate e-mail addresses.

Here's the live-blog:

1) Although the invite was sent out quickly, it was snagged by my spam-filter. How appropriate.

2) The link shows up in the email as http://www.wecansolveit.org/join, but actually takes you to http://www.wecansolveit.org/page/ic/idol869ruxznor/Sg9ZXA0%253D, which shows up in my browser as http://wecansolveit.org/page/s/signupmain. So many sneaky re-directs from such a truth-oriented program.

3) Oops... had to clear my cookies because the sign-up page remembered my original sign-up info. Just a hint for you new folks who want to sign yourself up 50 times to become WeLeaders and get that sweet, sweet organic cotton T-shirt.

4) Ok, I submitted my e-mail & fake name... where's my welcome e-mail?

5) ?

6) Profit

7) Ok... I guess they're checking to see if that e-mail address has already signed up ("Once a new signup is received, Sponsor will compare names against the database to ensure each new sign-up is an Eligible New-Signup").

8) While I'm waiting, I think I'll check to see if that URL is consistent... invite another me... caught in spam filter... and now it's http://www.wecansolveit.org/page/ic/wvwl8how5fscg1/ShVXUgZLFRsWWldbRBVeAApX. How delightfully random.

9) It's been over over an hour... come ON guys! Put the bong down and welcome me to the collective, already!

10) Ok, bored now... I'll update this post when something new happens...

By the way, this openly-discussed covert operation needs a cool nickname, like "ScreWE", or something. Any suggestions?

UPDATE 3:30pm CDT: To answer a question: upon sign-up, they ask for e-mail, first name, last name, and ZIP. Only the e-mail is mandatory.

UPDATE 5PM CDT: Jimmy said, "Don't know what you really expect to learn from those guys." - I don't either, but the site says that WeLeaders will have "access to behind-the-scenes information, events and tools from the We Campaign", which implies that there will be things going on that they don't want the general public to know about. I'm curious as to what the eviro-cultists are hiding. And if it's juicy, I'll share.

UPDATE 5-4-08 11:30AM CDT: I'm working my way through sending out invites. I still haven't gotten my "welcome to the collective" email from #4. If you've signed up & got your welcome e-mail, let me know.

Ya know, my biggest fear in this whole project is that "behind-the-scenes information" will turn out to be "links to stuff that's on the website", and that being a WeLeader offers nothing that isn't available to regular members.

Not that a group of hippies would ever lie to trick folks into helping pad their membership stats.

UPDATE 5-4-08 12:45PM CDT: From the WE site:

We prefer to receive your donation online to minimize environmental impact of postal mail. However, if you would prefer to send us a check or are not able to donate online, please email us and our development staff will follow up with you.

Slickest paper-trail-elimination technique I've ever seen. I'm TOTALLY using that one for my next online scam.

Rating: 2.8/5 (36 votes cast)

Comments (24) | WEsistance Is Facile
No More Excuses
Posted by Harvey at 02:11 PM | Email This

The infamously hideous nightmare that IS the Star Wars Holiday Special, finally in watchable streaming quality, in its entirety, complete with painfully dated commercials.

You know you want to.

Rating: 2.3/5 (31 votes cast)

Comments (13)
About Time
Posted by Harvey at 01:07 PM | Email This

Someone finally invented a way to implant a tracking chip into known terrorists so that we'll always be able to locate them.

If I ever get tired of blogging, I may go into business selling these.

Rating: 2.4/5 (29 votes cast)

Comments (6)
May 02, 2008
Maybe I Should Institute an IQ Test Before Allowing Comments
Posted by Frank J. at 04:42 PM | Email This

I got this comment today from a "Billy_jane":

You Mr. FRANK!!!!!!!!! Seem to have nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo life whatsoever. I can truthfully tell you that while some of your facts are funny, most of them are STUPID and completely becoming of a 40 year old virgin who still enjoys momma's homecooked meatloaf. Take that asswipe!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

It was to this fairly innocuous post about the guy who regrew a finger. I don't even know what to say to this. I hope it was someone trying to sound retarded. If he's just randomly angry like this, he should seek help or write diaries at the Daily Kos.

Rating: 2.3/5 (36 votes cast)

Comments (27) | I Hate Frank
More Gun Buying Advice
Posted by Frank J. at 03:22 PM | Email This

I got an e-mail today!

Frank J:

The recent Supreme Court case involving 2nd Amendment rights has convinced me that I need to buy a gun. I live in Illinois which is a very restrictive state. I just applied for my FOID card and have been perusing the intertubes looking for a pistol that will meet my needs, home and personal protection. Also I plan on taking handgun safety courses at the local range and shooting at least once a month. My experience with weapons is limited to 6 years in the Army Reserve 20 years ago. The handgun I am leaning toward is a Beretta Px4 Storm, .40 cal. Do you have any opinion on this weapon or Beretta in general? Can you recommend a weapon based on your experience?


P.S.: Harvey is funny. Please tell him that I was very disappointed that Family Ties was canceled.

First reaction: You need a special identification card to buy a handgun? Holy crap. Then it again, it is Obama's state.

Anyway, I'm not really a firearms expert. I've never fired a gun outside of a target range (or plinking) so I don't really have much advice based on experience. Still, asking what gun to buy is like asking what car to buy -- it's really up to the individual and how you plan on using it. You do want to check reviews to make sure it's a reliable gun (my Beretta experience is pretty limited), but after that it's all up to preference. You should try the gun at a range if possible to see how you like firing it. The 1911 is my favorite handgun because it just feels right in my hand, but that won't be the same for everyone.

Also, where would you use it? Even though I really like 1911s, I have a little .380 because it's the easiest to carry. For home, I have a pump action shotgun which is cheaper than any handgun but the best home protection.

In conclusion, you have to have a special ID to buy a gun? I can't believe that crap. What country is Illinois in?

I, of course, open this up to my readers to give further advice.

Rating: 2.2/5 (48 votes cast)

Comments (55) | Frank on Guns
Incoherent Rage
Posted by Frank J. at 12:51 PM | Email This
Kos is no longer sure who "them" are, but he knows he hates "them".
Daily Kos is kinda fascinating now that its in its death throes as we come to the end of the Bush presidency. Kos successfully separated all the chaff from the wheat in regards to his readership and I think the O'Reilly criticisms of the Daily Kos being a wacko hate site are starting to hit home to its founder. O'Reilly has compared them to the Nazis, but that's a bit over the top. They're just not that organized. If you had the Nazis without the Jews to focus their hate on and instead they just hated whatever came into their field of vision, then you'd have the Kwazy Kos Kids.

I can't even figure out what they're objecting to in this post -- yet it had over 600 comments. In her O'Reilly interview, Hillary said a sorta sarcastic, "Rich people, God bless us," in relation to the old liberal trope that rich people need to pay more in taxes, and the Kos Kids are angry over... something. Actually, I think Kos thinks he found something to be angry about, and most of the sheep in the comments are just playing along even though they don't quite understand but know they're supposed to hate Hillary. To be fair, there are also a few calling Kos nuts.

Ends up this was the second front page post on this subject. Kos's brain has broke, man, and through his efforts he's made sure he's surrounded by only the most extreme and dumbest people involved in American politics so nearly no one sane is left to call him on it. His family needs to get him help before he hurts himself and others. When Bush leaves office and they're even less clear on what to hate, who knows what they'll do. Run out into traffic? Tackle porcupines? Chew on electrical wiring? They won't even know what they're doing, but they'll put some political significance on it.

Rating: 2.6/5 (29 votes cast)

Comments (18)
May 01, 2008
Posted by Harvey at 09:44 PM | Email This

I confess.

I signed up for Al Gore's WE campaign.

"Keep your friends close..." etc.

This week, their panicky save-the-planet e-mail is something that I could only dream of having the talent to make up. I offer it with [brief commentary]:

"As climate change causes the continued shrinkage of Arctic sea ice, polar bears are increasingly at risk. Leading American scientists say placing the polar bear on the federal Endangered Species list is key to its survival. [Why would we want to encourage the survival of an animal that deliberately hunts and kills human beings?]

"A federal court has given the Bush administration until May 15 to decide if it will list the polar bear as endangered. Click here to tell Secretary of Interior Dirk Kempthorne that the polar bear, and its fragile [see also: "RMS Titanic"] Arctic habitat, requires protection from the effects of global warming."

"If the Secretary listens to the scientists, the polar bear will gain important protections. Additionally, federal agencies will need to consider how their future activities could affect the species -- and that could be an important step [after they cave in to this, we'll issue our NEXT demand] in leading the government to reduce its greenhouse gas emissions. Please sign our petition to protect polar bears today."

Today they want to protect furry white terrorists wielding blunt instruments capable of plunging an ocean liner to the darkest depths of Davy Jones, tomorrow I'm guessing it'll be furry brown terrorists wielding nukes.

These people are not on our side, and I hate them.

Which leads me to my next point: they're having a membership drive contest until May 30th. If I can get 20 people to sign up, I get an organic cotton T-shirt with the lame-ass WE logo. And if I can get 50 people to sign up, I get "offered the opportunity to become a 'WeLeader' and receive a 'WeLeader' t-shirt."

Now despite the fact the title "WeLeader" sounds like I'm winning a urinating contest of some sort, the thought has crossed my mind that such a position might avail me to information about this vile conglomeration of hippies and freedom-haters not generally accessible to the public. Could be interesting.

So I'm testing the waters to see if there are enough people interested in playing along for me to give this a shot. If you're game for gaming the system, prove your sincerity by leaving a fake hippie nickname for my amusement (like "SunshineRainbow" or "polrbearhugr" or whatever) in the comments. If I get at least 50 volunteers, we'll move on to stage 2, wherein I'll e-mail you privately and ask you to tell me what e-mail address you'd like me to send the WE invite to (since you probably don't want your GOOD e-mail address getting clogged with WEspam).

If I don't get 50 volunteers, then I'll know this was an ill-conceived scheme that deserves to die a quick, nasty death, and I'll not suggest it again.

It's up to you now.

Rating: 2.7/5 (37 votes cast)

Comments (109) | WEsistance Is Facile
A Story, Bit by Bit
Hellbender: Chapter 24 - Indulgence
Posted by Frank J. at 05:09 PM | Email This


With a warm bubble bath, scented candles, some light music playing, and a new book, Lara was quite ready for a relaxed evening in her hotel suite, but the phone rang. She set her book aside and fumbled for her phone, accidentally dropping it into the tub. She wiped the suds off and didn't recognize the caller it identified, but she still knew who it was, "Hello?"

"Hi, Lara, it's Elza."

Lara wasn't quite used to one of the immortal Transcendents calling her on the phone like a regular person, but Elza never followed expectations. "Oh, hi. Just relaxing a bit. Asmod's people have the bunny cube and the Doug." She laughed. "With such power in their hands, they might be unstoppable."

"Good. Things are moving along nicely."

"What exactly was the point of all that?" Lara dared to ask.

"If I don't tell you that, then whatever happens I can claim to be exactly as I planned." She laughed a bit. "Anyway, there's a lot of people running around involved with this; best everyone just knows only her own part."

Lara settled back into the tub. "Well the whole train thing was certainly a surprise. I think you nearly broke that simpleton's brain."

"Things have barely started to get rough for him, I assure you."

A lot seemed to be being laid on someone so useless, but Lara had trouble feeling sorry for someone who made so little of himself. "So what should I do with the millions?"

"I don't care. That's ultimately inconsequential. Spend it if you feel like it. Just make sure you're ready to help our other operative if needed."

"Will do. Any idea on the time frame for this next step?"

"That, right now, is up to external forces."

* * * *

Loch felt pain. It was about the only thing in this universe he cared about; all else he hated. He even refused to take any sort of physical, three-dimensional form and limit himself a puerile way. Still, he was required to have at least something to identify himself within this world, so he made his craft with which he could hover over the humans. He crafted it of darkness and created nearly formless creatures to populate it. His goal was to give the humans nothing solid they could hold on to in their mind's eye. With nothing to grasp, when humans would think of Loch they would think of whatever they feared most.

Fear was a more subtle pleasure than pain, but that was about all he had lately. It had been a while since he was last given a human to play with, to test how many of its nerve endings he could activate before its mind collapsed on itself. He had gotten better at keeping the mind awake no matter what physical trauma he would induce, but it would always break in the end. Then the vegetable would be sent back to the rest of the humans, and then they would try to imagine what were the tortures that would cause such a thing. And then there would be the fear.

The fear had begun fade, though, as the humans realized just how much the rules of the other Transcendents restrained his grasp. So he took extraordinary measures -- one's that he himself detested -- to let the humans know he can still reach them. Torn limbs and blood was less mysterious than he would have liked, but it served its purpose. He could see the fear of him rising again.

Now Serpine had given Loch a new mission. He never cared for her and her proclivity to take human form or her ambitions with this world, but she knew at least how to give Loch what he needed for enjoyment. The mission he was given was once again to get some device -- though Loch could still not understand how anything physical in this world could have any importance to them -- but this time she knew where it was. Loch would need to lead a physical army once again because of the limits on him, but Serpine guaranteed him that this conflict would involve humans under no protection from any Transcendent. They had severed their ties with their rulers, and thus they would be Loch's to do with as he pleased.

Had Loch a mouth, he would smile.


Rating: 2.5/5 (40 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Hellbender Take Two
Know Thy Enemy: High Gas Prices
Posted by Frank J. at 12:59 PM | Email This

Many people are worried about high gas prices, so I sent my crack research staff to find out all they can about them. Here are their findings:


* High gas prices were invented by John D. Rockefeller who one day said to himself, "You know, I could charge a lot more for gas." Some say that business acumen was a big part of his success.

* High gas prices can raise the price of everything from food to action movies in which lots of gas tanks explode.

More expensive than Disney World (but with more mice).
* Gas prices are largely affected by oil production. Oil productions is set by amoral tyrants who live in the desert and wear ornate mumus. It seems to be an odd system, but no one has yet to suggest a better one.

* It seems unfair the Middle East charges so much for oil when its not like they need it themselves for all their cars and technology they're so famous for.

* High gas prices may cause more people to ride a bike to work which could lead to more people wearing bike shorts and thus an increase in false accusations of homosexuality.

* And accurate accusations.

* Canada produces a lot of oil, but uses up most of it in their extremely fuel inefficient Zambonis.

* Venezuela also produces oil, but Hugo Chavez wastes a lot of it by setting it on fire since the color of the flame is pretty and makes him smile and clap.

* One way to reduce gas prices is to do more drilling in America. None of the drilling will be near you, but there will be many people near you loudly complaining about it and it's currently illegal to punch them.

* And it's too expensive to hit them with your car.

* One gas price crisis occurred when some wise guy bought exactly one gallon of gas and, paid a buck thirteen for it when it cost a buck twelve and 9/10ths, and demanded exact change.

* Many people blame American oil companies for the high gas prices, but in fact they are just more victims in all this. Victims with obscene profits, but victims nonetheless.

* Also, if you complain about oil companies too much, they can have you killed. How are the police going to do anything about it if Exxon refuses to give them gas for their cars?

* One strategy to combat higher gas prices is to chide people who drive wasteful SUVs, but they will probably just run their Humvee over your Prius while falsely accusing you of homosexuality.

* Or accurately accusing you.

* High gas prices hurt poor people the most, which is one of the few benefits of it.

* If you think you see high gas prices, whatever you do, do not tell the authorities. If you do, eventually the federal government will find out and try and do something about it, screwing things up even more.

* One way gas stations are combating high gas prices is to make shorter signs that advertise the prices.

* I bet that one took you a second.

* One way to reduce gas prices are biofuels which could reduce gas by cents a gallon at only the cost of millions of people starving to death because of the raised price of crops.

* Alternative fuel cars could one day lead to us no longer needing gasoline, but a label on your car proudly proclaiming your car is safe to the environment could lead to false accusations of you being a homosexual.

* And, of course, accurate accusations.

* A big part of gas prices are the taxes on them which the government spends on telling you not to smoke.

* Especially while in a gas station paying gas taxes.

* Be careful of hidden gas prices. Some place may look like they are only charing a dollar five for a gallon of gas, but if you look closely at the price, you'll see it says, "and 395 tenths of a cent."

* A lot of people think we don't need gas as much anymore since we don't need to physically travel places now that we have the internet. Guess what the internet runs on, though? Gasoline!

* If surrounded by high gas prices, whatever you do, don't panic. It can sense fear and go up even higher in response.

* In a fight between Aquaman and high gas prices, Aquaman would have to sell his fish friends on the local fish market so he can afford to gas to drive his Geo Metro to his new job at the cracker factory.

* And on the way there, he'd be falsely accused of being a homosexual.

* It is false!

* One way to lower gas prices would be to have a huge war for oil. Most people seem to be against this, though, despite no one being able to cite a single downside.

* Some people say angry Muslims may come over here to attack us if we steal their oil, but how are they going to do that with nothing to fuel their vehicles? It's a foolproof plan, I tell you.

* The first high gas price was when gas rose from a penny a gallon to a penny and nine tenths. People back then didn't understand fractions and falsely accused the gas station attendants of witchcraft.

* And accurately accused them.

* Some were also homosexuals, but no one thought to accuse them of that back then.

Rating: 2.3/5 (67 votes cast)

Comments (25) | Know Thy Enemy
Hillary's Shocking Ignorance
Posted by Harvey at 11:20 AM | Email This

Hillary Clinton has never heard of Red Bull.

Hillary Clinton can't figure out how to operate a gas station coffee machine.

She's barely qualified to be an American citizen, much less President.

What else doesn't Hillary know? Well, let's check the list...

"Nope. No superdelegates there."

* The internet is for porn

* Dark blonde isn't a realistic hair color when you're 60.

* It's not normal for your hand to burst into flame if you touch a Bible.

* The first woman president and the first black president will be Republican, and probably Condi Rice.

* One's choice of pastor is indeed a reflection on one's character. More so one's choice of spouse.

* When pronouncing *NSYNC, the * is silent.

* Very few Americans are named after famous people who weren't famous when they were born. You aren't one of them.

* Neo dodged bullets fired at close range, so technically he didn't dodge sniper fire, either.

* EVERYONE has noticed that Chelsea looks more like Web Hubbell than Bill.

* It's inappropriate to describe the Harry Potter books as "the story of a boy growing to manhood as he experiments with his wand."

I suspect the list may continue in the comments.

Rating: 2.9/5 (37 votes cast)

Comments (26) | Election 2008

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