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June 30, 2008
A Story, Bit by Bit
Hellbender: Chapter 33 - Faith
Posted by Frank J. at 05:08 PM | Email This

PREVIOUS

"Chi-something, you there?"

"I am here, Doug." Came a voice from his cell's toilet. "It's Chimezie."

"Chimezie." Doug tried to repeat.

"Close enough."

"I was talking with some woman through here earlier... but she didn't seem to speak English. She was crying. I don't think she understood me."

"I'm sure you helped her just by talking to her," Chimezie said. "They seem to have mainly taken immigrants -- people who will not be noticed to be missing. I came here from Africa."

"I thought that place was all dead."

"Not all of it." Chimezie paused for a moment. "Things are very bad there, but the Transcendents -- the Demons -- had no interest in it. Still, I came here looking to be part of the civilized world. All I found was evil, though." He was silent again. "I should never have left my home."

"No. Someone has got to stop this, and it might as well be us. I got good news on that. I..." Doug thought a moment how best to express things. "Um... I like saw into another realm when Ronove tried to destroy my soul. I could see it wasn't working, and I saw him and he's like nothing... at least wherever I was I was the more powerful one. And I saw the barrier linked to the cube. Even he was intimidated by it. If we could somehow trap them behind it, we'd be free of them for good."

"How would we do that?"

Doug thought for a while. "I guess I don't know. Still, it seems like progress."

"Yes it does. It is what I pray for. Most here are losing faith, though. Ronove's experiments are hard on many. He seems to be trying to study how things in this world can affect the soul such as trauma or physically affecting the brain." His voice trailed off for a moment. "We all live through it, though."

Doug got the message. None of this should go on even a day longer. "I don't know what to do, Chimezie. I saw outside, and I don't even know how my friends will get here. I guess we really have to work on our own plan... except I'm not really good at that sort of thing."

"We must have faith in God. All things are possible through Him."

Doug wondered how long Chimezie had been here asking God to help him, but didn't want to burst the guy's bubble. "I want to believe in stuff like that, but I remember how as a kid I believed in Santa Claus, but I still never got any presents."

"God is real, Doug."

"Then He better do something about all this soon. There's a lot of crap in this world, and if He really has the power, then He should take care of it."

"We must take action," Chimezie said. "And when we have faith, God will help us."

Stuck in a small dark cell, Doug wasn't really sure of any action he could take. He knew there was something he could do -- he saw it -- but he had no idea how. And he had no idea how to figure out how to do it either.

"Do you want me to tell you about Jesus, Doug?"

"Not really." He really didn't want to clutter his head with any other hard to grasp concepts. "He fought evil, right?"

"Yes, and He cast out demons."

"Okay, you can go ahead and tell me about him... but first get away from the toilet for a sec and stop listening."

"Why?"

"I have to pee."

NEXT

Rating: 2.8/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Hellbender Take Two
Top Ten Controversial Supreme Court Decisions
Posted by Frank J. at 12:08 PM | Email This

There have been a number of controversial Supreme Court decisions this year other than Heller. Here they are in properly numbered order.

TOP TEN CONTROVERSIAL SUPREME COURT DECISIONS

10. The 1st Amendment does not protect your right to talk like a pirate.

9. Godfather III is actually a pretty good movie if you take it on its own merits and don't compare it to the previous two.

8. It's completely Constitutional for a Justice to hit whomever he wants with his gavel, so watch your mouth.

7. If a cyborg cop punches into your chest and rips out your heart, it's not an illegal search and seizure as long as he shows it to you while it's still beating.

6. There's nothing in the Constitution that would imply a restriction on setting hobos on fire.

5. Though we know it when we see it, that doesn't mean that when we know it we're done seeing it.

4. Execution by pit of doom is permissible because, while it may be cruel, it's certainly not all that unusual.

3. You have to pay us more. It says that somewhere in the 14th.

2. It violates the 1st Amendment to compel people to rephrase answers in the form of a question.

And the number one controversial Supreme Court decision this year...

Read More...


Rating: 3.7/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (6)
WEsistance Challenge: Operation Helpful Idiot
Posted by Harvey at 11:00 AM | Email This

I've been contacted by the WEtards, and they've asked for an address to ship the shirt to.

No mention of WEleadership, so I assume that's now off the table. I'll accept this as my failure for not making sure I had 50 names submitted in time.

Anyway, here's the long-promised Stage 2, which I call

OPERATION HELPFUL IDIOT

The Premise: WE doesn't just want numbers, they want participants. So I'm encouraging the people who signed up as WEtards ("I's of the WEsistance") to go to the WE contact page and leave a "helpful" suggestion for solving the climate crisis.

Suggested format:

1) Brief, enthusiastic gushing about the greatness of WE

2) Your brilliant idea for putting a stop to global warming, preferrably to be forced on America by the US government. This idea should be dumb and impractical, but not theoretically impossible (a suggestion like "Superman should eat the sun like an apple until its smaller size offsets global warming" is obviously fake. The goal here is more "fake but accurate"). Try to keep it under 200 words so that people will be more likely to pass it around to their friends in an e-mail.

3) Sign off with some cliche lefty slogan and your hippie alias.

Oh, and don't be afraid to leave in a few typos and misspellings, just for flavor.

Sample letter:

Dear WE,

I'm so proud to be part of an organization that actually CARES about the EARTH and the FUTURE of our CHILDRN!

I think you're doing a great job, but WE (I LOVE THAT NAME!) can do more. I've heard that cow burping cause's a lot of greenhouse gas. I think farmers should be forced to put muzzles on all their cows. Like surgical masks, except they should be treated with a chemical that absorbs all that CO2. If you're putting together a list for Congress, please include mine. Thx.

VOTE NADER '08!
Summer Sunshine Rainbow Rabinowitz




Now, you don't HAVE to be a member of WE to participate in Operation Helpful Idiot, but if you ARE signed up, it puts pressure on them to take you seriously, and there's nothing more pathetically funny than a conflicted liberal.

After you leave your suggestion with WE, send a copy of it to me at wesistance@gmail.com. If I find your "helpful suggestion" to be brief, subtle, and at least moderately amusing, I'll post it at IMAO so that others may enjoy it also.


Rating: 3.0/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (12) | WEsistance Is Facile
The Solution to Our Crisis
Posted by Frank J. at 09:07 AM | Email This

Rating: 2.8/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (20)
June 27, 2008
Supreme Court Says 2nd Amendment Protects 'Individual Right', Law-Abiding Citizens Go On Shooting Sprees
Posted by Harvey at 10:57 AM | Email This

WASHINGTON (AP) - The Supreme Court today ruled against local laws banning handguns by declaring that the Second Amendment guarantees an "individual right" to firearm ownership, and not just a "right to a well-regulated militia". Immediately after the decision, law-abiding gun-owners began using their legal guns to commit violent crimes.

'Legal' gun goes on rampage after gaining control of its law-abiding human host.

"It's like these guns are living objects, possessed by demons," said gun-owner Mike Wazowski. "I was watching the Supreme Court ruling live on C-SPAN, and the next thing I remember, I was on the street, robbing people for crack money. Funny thing is, I don't even know what crack LOOKS like, let alone ever smoked the stuff. It's like the gun was forcing me to do it. These firearms are dangerous and out-of-control. I can't believe the Supreme Court set free these weapons of malevolance incarnate on an unsuspecting nation."

For decades, mayors of large cities claimed that local handgun bans, which kept guns out of the hands of law-abiding citizens, were the only way to cut down on levels of gun violence which had reached near-epidemic proportions. Now that model citizens are also armed, that epidemic has blossomed into a bloody pandemic.

"I warned you this would happen!" shrieked an outraged Senator Dianne Feinstein (D-California). "I've been saying for years that only way to keep our streets safe was to make sure that guns were kept out of the hands of the 99% of the population that obeys the laws. And just as I predicted, all an honest citizen has to do is LOOK at a gun and they will instantly pick it up and start shooting people!"

Since the Supreme Court announcement Thursday, the number of gun-related muggings, robberies, and murders has increased 10,000%, disproving once and for all the National Rifle Association's trite assertion that "guns don't kill people, people kill people". As the victims of America's new gun-violence tsunami would testify (if they were still alive) - it's definitely the guns.

Rating: 3.4/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (25) | Newsish Fakery
In My World: The Heller Decision
Posted by Frank J. at 10:05 AM | Email This

SUPREME COURT OF THE UNITED STATES
_________________
No. 07–290
_________________
DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA, ET AL., PETITIONERS v.
DICK ANTHONY HELLER
ON WRIT OF CERTIORARI TO THE UNITED STATES COURT OF
APPEALS FOR THE DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA CIRCUIT
[June 26, 2008]

JUSTICE SCALIA delivered the opinion of the Court.

We consider whether a District of Columbia prohibition on the possession of usable handguns in the home violates the Second Amendment to the Constitution.

We turn first to the meaning of the Second Amendment.

The Second Amendment provides: “A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.” The two sides in this case have set out very different interpretations of the Amendment. Petitioners and today’s dissenting Justices believe that it protects only the right to possess and carry a firearm in connection with militia service. See Brief for Petitioners 11–12; post, at 1 (STEVENS, J., FLAMING HOMO, dissenting). Respondent argues that it protects an individual right to possess a firearm unconnected with service in a militia, and to use that arm for traditionally lawful purposes, such as self-defense within the home. See Brief for Respondent 2–4.

Having basic reading comprehension and not having our heads shoved up our asses, we agree with the latter. Furthermore, we have determined that anyone who agrees with the D.C. law is a little preening little nancy and should be beaten or shot for being a pinko. See Findings on the Tiny Penises of Gun Haters. More specifically, everyone in D.C. should immediately be given a gun, and anyone who protests should be shot in the groin, shot in the face, and then shot in the groin once more for good measure. Then their houses should be burned down. We'll make a weekend of it. I'll bring beer. See video from last year's Supreme Kegger.

Guns are awesome. See any action movie. America is awesome. Therefore, anyone against guns is against America, and people against America should be injured and forcefully ejected from the country. See Ronald Reagan's Treatise on Dealing with Hippies. In this spirit, I've shot dead the four dissenting Justices and buried them out back. See suspicious mounds of dirt behind the Supreme Court. This makes this now a unanimous 5-0 decision, and Justice Kennedy smartly lives another day.

The issue of incorporation was not brought before the Court, but out next step will be to grab our guns, form a posse, and head to Chicago. The citizens are disarmed, so they will be easy pickings and their stereos will become mine. See the barrel of my gun. I shall kill Mayor Daley and place his head upon a pike in the town square as an example to others. Usually the execution of laws falls on the Executive Branch, but I have the summer off and it sounds like fun.

* * *

We are aware of the problem of handgun violence in this country, and we take seriously the concerns raised by the many sissies and fascists who believe that prohibition of handgun ownership is a solution. Because we take their concerns seriously is why I kill them. The Constitution leaves the District of Columbia a variety of tools for combating that problem, including the non-fascist kind, but the enshrinement of constitutional rights necessarily takes certain policy choices off the table unless you want my boot up your ass. These include the absolute prohibition of handguns held and used for self-defense in the home. Undoubtedly some think that the Second Amendment is outmoded in a society where our standing army is the pride of our Nation, where well-trained police forces provide personal security, and where gun violence is a serious problem. I will find these people and kill them, or my name isn't Anthony "The Bull" Scalia.

It is so ordered.

Rating: 3.4/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (14) | In My World
June 26, 2008
It's Like Christmas, But With Guns
Posted by Frank J. at 07:56 PM | Email This

Which at my house, just means its like Christmas.

Anyway, I know you all were waiting to hear from me whether the Supreme Court confirming that the 2nd Amendment protects an individual right is a good thing or a bad thing, and I will tell you now that it is a good thing. I'll have more analysis in the future on how this will affect you and the perps you plan on shooting.

Rating: 3.2/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (31)
New Obama Supporter
Posted by Frank J. at 12:04 PM | Email This

Indian group asks Hindu monkey god to lead Obama to election triumph.

And of course he'll say yes.

I'm pretty sure Hanuman is really Satan. He's the god of monkeys. Monkeys are evil. So Hanuman is the god of evil, i.e., Satan.

Anyway, anyone who supports monkeys obviously wants the destruction of all humanity, and electing Obama is probably a good way to start. I can just see him squealing, "Pretty button!" while mashing the nuclear launch button with his palm as his supporters watch and exclaim, "Obama smart! Me likee Obama!" The monkeys will be outside in a tree watching, both thrilled at the death of humanity while shaking their heads at Obama's stupidity. They will then jump on D.C. tourists, eat their eyeballs, turn the eyeballs into poo, and then throw the poo at the now eyeless tourists.

It's all destined to happen now that the monkey god is involved.

What does Hanuman look like anyway? I kinda assume he's like the crazy cat lady from The Simpsons, except covered in monkeys instead of cats which he throws at passerbys while ranting gibberish. If I were president and had to visit India, I'd be like, "I'll go there and eat some spicy food, but keep your monkey gods away from me or I will punch them." And I don't care if it's a cultural faux pas to punch the monkey god; I will do it. Same as I will for any other Obama supporter.

(hat tip to reader James)

Rating: 3.8/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (13)
New Latin Mottos for Obama
Posted by Harvey at 10:52 AM | Email This

Let's be honest. The REAL reason Barry ditched his fake presidential seal was that his Latin slogan "Vero Possumus" was interpreted by most people to mean something like "I [heart] possums". Which is all well & good for capturing the Granny Clampett vote, but lacks overall appeal for the general election.

But personally, I say he should keep the faux seal and just change up the motto - my suggestions for which I offer below.

NOTE TO LATIN SCHOLARS:I know many of these are either ungrammatical or even just flat wrong. I had to resort to a crappy online Latin translator as a baseline for these, and I tweaked some of the results to make them sound better. So if you'll forgo the flames in the comments, I'll make it up to you by writing "Romani Ite Domum" 100 times. Hail Caeser!



"Tributum Consumptus Repetitas"

* Sub Currus Vobis - Under The Bus With You

* Genus Tabellae Victoria - Race Card Triumphant

* Purus Articulatus Arrogantis Potius- Clean, articulate, arrogant, elitist.

* Iste Infantia Patris - Your Baby Daddy

* Non Terebratus Via Forus Hoc - Can't drill your way out of this

* E LVII Unum - Out of 57, one.

* Quies Albi - Don't criticize me, Whitey!

* Praeterquam Senex - At least I'm not old.

* Vostrum Novus Birotae - Barack Obama is your new bicycle.

* Semper Volo Ad Pactus - Always willing to negotiate.

* Cruor Tyrannis Dolor Mortis Atrocitas Miseria - Beloved man of the people.



Feel free to pile on in the comments.

Rating: 3.0/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (42) | Election 2008
Hire Liberals?
Posted by Frank J. at 10:02 AM | Email This

So apparently the Justice Department hasn't been hiring liberals, but I don't see the problem. You can refuse to hire people who are thieves, pedophiles, or dullards, so shouldn't you similarly be able to refuse to hire a liberal? Plus, it's unconscionable to give them money to support them being liberal and the weird liberal things they do. Hobo is the occupation God intended for liberals, and I don't see why any of us should mess with that plan.

Rating: 3.1/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (19)
Proportional
Posted by Frank J. at 09:04 AM | Email This

So the Supreme Court banned the death penalty as punishment for child rape, Justice Kennedy saying, "the death penalty is not a proportional punishment for the rape of a child." So, I guess that means Kennedy wants child rapists child raped, i.e., give them brain surgery altering their mental state to that of a child and then rape them. What a sick bastard.

Anyway, the Supreme Court better hand down the right decision on Heller today or they should all be punished with child rape.

Rating: 2.8/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (13)
June 25, 2008
It's Only Racist When Republicans Say It
Posted by Harvey at 07:06 PM | Email This

I was thinking about some descriptions for Obama for a post which will appear on Thursday, and one popped into my head that I thought was witty, but which wasn't usable (you'll see why when you read the post):

"Halfrican American"

Now, even though I've never heard anyone else use it, I thought I'd check before claiming credit.

Turns out Rush Limbaugh received numerous virtual groin-kicks for using it back in January of 2007 (check the comments for some Grade A bilious indignation).

But he didn't come up with it first, either.

See for example this blog created in October of 2006, by "a twenty something mixbreed born again Black Jew".

Or this cafe press shop catering to proud mulattos.

Or this MySpace page started in April of 2006 (CAUTION: Music starts playing automatically - devoluminify your speakers).

Theoretically (meaning I got tired of clicking Google links), the term dates back to a post by Coffeebot in an Engrish.com forum dated 9/27/05.

I made up a new word, yes I did. It's supposed to describe a specific racial mix and I don't mind adding that Noah is one. But I don't want to sound all racist and if I ask [chicks] they'll get all mushy because they can't discuss real stuff, manly stuff like race and sex without getting all... verklempt.

The word is Halfrican-American. We all need to be proud of our heritage. Does this sound crass?

So what's my point?

Probably something like "liberals are whiny, hypersensitive shrews who find racism with the unrestrained abandon of Guatemalans finding Mary on tortillas."

Rating: 4.1/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (13)
Hippies Accidentally Create World's Largest Mercedes Sign
Posted by Harvey at 11:57 AM | Email This

Ithaca, NY (AP) - While attempting to create the world's largest peace sign, festival-goers in Ithaca, NY, created the world's largest Mercedes sign by mistake.

Can you imagine the smell?

5814 participants gathered to form the familiar symbol of pacifist activism, but - through either oversight or stupidity - only formed three of the four radii required to create a traditional peace sign. Since the missing radius was the lower center line, the symbol they formed was actually the trademark hood ornament of the Mercedes-Benz automobile - a quality German luxury car since 1926 - rather than the anti-war symbol created by a British nuclear disarmament protestor in 1958.

"Dude, this totally sucks!" observed participant Summer Sunshine Rainbow Rabinowitz. "We were, like, trying to tell Bush McChimpyhitler that his war totally blows, but somehow he managed to get his Haliburton oil buddies in here to screw us over with some sort of totally covert inside job. Just like 9/11!"

Other participants, such as Moonglow Moonbeam Johnson suspected less conspiratorial causes. "'Twas the weed, my man. The Acapulco Fire-Bud has a way of rendering one incapable of creating complex geometric figures. Heck, we're lucky we didn't end up with a swastika, or - even worse - the Windows logo."

Ithaca High School sophomore Trevor Dougherty, the organizer of the attempt, claimed they were still successful. "Maybe it's wasn't a peace sign, but Mercedes isn't all gas-guzzling & global warming. After all, the high priestess of high people, Janis Joplin, used it as an icon of war resistance in her song, 'Oh Lord, Won't You Run Over George Bush With a Mercedes Benz', which I once saw on YouTube or maybe somebody's MySpace page."

"Anyway," Dougherty concluded, "we all got super-mega-stoned, and that's what REALLY matters."

Rating: 3.6/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (23) | Newsish Fakery
Heaven and Hell... and Something in Between?
Posted by Frank J. at 11:07 AM | Email This

A survey of Americans who have a religious affiliation showed 70% agreed that “many religions can lead to eternal life.” This is taken as a sign of religious tolerance, but I know many would react to it thinking that means many Christians don't know their scripture. Personally, as a Christian, the afterlife is the part I least understand. Usually there are things so bad that if you do them, you get punished. And there are things so great to do that you get hugely rewarded for them. But those two things don't usually overlap. For example, if you murder people, you get executed, but you don't get a $100 million dollars for not murdering people. Also, if you're really good at chemistry, you can get a Nobel Prize, but everyone who doesn't get one isn't taken out back and beaten. But with Heaven and Hell, it seems to be one or the other which never made much sense to me. Either not doing God's will is so horrible you should get eternal torment for it but you shouldn't expect anything special for doing what you're supposed to do, or doing His will is such a glorious thing you get rewarded beyond belief but you shouldn't be punished for failing to do such a hard thing.

Anyone have any good answers here? If someone doesn't think too much about it, I would see why they would assume pretty much everyone goes to Heaven if Hell is the only other alternative as we can only think of people deserving eternal torment in the abstract and most of don't have much of a problem of people being rewarded more than they deserve. Plus, it's really hard to understand why a loving God would torture anyone for all eternity. I can see why Catholics came up with Purgatory, because it does seem like something is missing from the equation.

Know this wasn't a funny post, but it was something that's been bugging me I thought I'd put up for discussion.

Rating: 2.5/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (129)
Frank Solves ANWR Debate
Posted by Frank J. at 09:31 AM | Email This

Here's an idea to solve the debate about drilling in ANWR: Just go ahead and do it and don't tell anyone about it. What's the likelihood of anyone venturing up to the northernmost reaches of that wasteland and noticing?

Rating: 3.1/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (26)
June 24, 2008
IMAO Condensed: Obama Supporters
Posted by Frank J. at 12:07 PM | Email This

Rating: 2.8/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (24) | IMAO Condensed
lolterizt! Part 52
Posted by Harvey at 11:00 AM | Email This

Yeah, it's been about a year now since I posted the first one of these. Frankly, I'd originally envisioned it as a three part series.

Never can tell, I guess.

Anyway, once again, pass 'em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don't be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.



46 more.jpg

onion on my belt.jpg
[reference link]

chew toys.jpg

jihad for food.jpg

christine says hi.jpg
[reference link]

mr microphone.jpg
[reference link]

my depends.jpg



From RWW:
hellbender RWW.jpg

hokipoki RWW.jpg

From Jesse:
grocery.jpg

jenga.jpg
[reference link]

From Raving Lunatic:
good side.jpg

unfriendly ghost.jpg



PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won't end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

HAT TIP: Snapped Shot for handy links to ripe-for-captioning photos.

Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and - if they aren't obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don't suck too terribly bad - I'll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

Rating: 2.6/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (7) | lolterizt
Atheism Makes You Stupid
Posted by Frank J. at 10:06 AM | Email This

21% of atheists believe in God.

I guess Christians could point to that and say atheism makes you stupid, but technically it's only the atheists who believe in a higher power who are the stupid ones.

Rating: 3.1/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (15)
Channeling Laurence Simon
Posted by Frank J. at 09:09 AM | Email This

Do you think I should do a bit entitled, "Seven Things You Can't Say at George Carlin's Funeral"?

Rating: 3.0/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (14)
June 23, 2008
A Story, Bit by Bit
Hellbender: Chapter 32 - Alliance
Posted by Frank J. at 05:02 PM | Email This

PREVIOUS

Colette looked over the images from the warehouse. They didn't tell her much other than that the killer liked to be messy.

She felt a hand on her shoulder. "Seems a bit excessive, doesn't it?"

Colette looked to Dammon. "So was it the work of Loch?"

"In a way." He sat on Colette's desk and took a sip from his brandy.

"The fact that everyone is after those three idiots proves to me that they all must be grasping at straws on this issue. So, does it change anything now that he has them?"

Dammon shrugged. "I wasn't even sure what we were doing with them in the first place."

Colette stared at him. "Then why did you task them with retrieving the cube?"

"Wasn't my idea." He took another sip of his drink.

"Then whose was it?"

Dammon looked towards the door. "Dear, you can come in."

Into the office walked Lara in one of her usual business suits. "Hey, Colette."

Colette shot to her feet. "You can't be serious!"

Lara sighed. "You're ascended, Colette. You're supposed to be above petty grudges. And really, you're such a bitch anyone else would have humiliated you thusly if given the opportunity."

"And those would be your last words."

Colette started towards Lara, but Dammon gently put his hand out in front of her. "If we had more time, I'd throw down some mud and let you settle this like ladies. I'm just going to have to ask you to listen instead. Lara works for Elza... who I've had a secret alliance with for some time."

Colette backed off but kept an eye on Lara. "I thought she took the cube from Elza's people and gave it to Asmod."

"Don't ask me to explain things," Lara said. "All I know is that now we don't want either Asmod or Serpine to have permanent ownership of the device."

Colette looked to Dammon. "Elza is playing us."

Lara smiled. "I'd almost guarantee it. And Dammon is trying to play Elza as he does all the other Trans. Duplicity is pretty much how the world goes 'round these days."

Dammon led Colette back to her chair. "The obvious lack of trust aside, the fact is Elza has her people planted all over, and I have plenty of contact and resources. Together, we can mount an effort to get into Ronove's lab and retrieve the cube."

"And then what?"

Dammon sipped his drink. "That's between me and Elza."

"And no one still has any idea what the cube does?"

"I'm guessing nothing," Dammon said. "Everyone wants it, though, so that makes it valuable and dangerous. So, I'll need you to get some of your best men, and you'll be working with Lara and her group."

Colette looked at Lara. "Will your girls play well with others, Miss Skinner?"

Lara shrugged. "As long as your men won't rape and murder them. They're not fond of that."

Colette was still a moment away from ripping Lara's head off so as just not see that smug little smile anymore. "I'll make a note of that."

Dammon patted Lara on the shoulder. "Lara, could you give me a moment to talk to my employee?"

"Sure. I'll give you two a moment to plot behind my back." Lara left the room.

Dammon took Colette by her hand, the one that had been recently severed. "I can trust you can rise above a lust for vengeance over the ephemeral things of this world?"

"Of course. I know I have failed you recently, but--"

Dammon put his fingers to her lips. "A learning experience. You're stronger for it, and I know I can trust you for this task. Yes, it seems foolish to put any trust into Elza or her followers, but she is an annoyance, not a threat. There is one out there, though, worth fearing... much more than either Asmod or Serpine upsetting the balance of power."

"Who? And why haven't I heard of him before?"

Dammon paused thoughtfully for a moment. "We liked to think he had no more interest in this world, but I'm afraid we were wrong."
"And he is involved with the cube?"

"I am guessing he is involved in a number of things lately."

Colette thought she saw fear in Dammon's face, but dismissed the thought. "And what does he want?"

Dammon finished off his drink. "You know children stories where the villain seems to be evil for simply the sake of evil. This is him. He will not rest until anything with sentience is in eternal torment."

Now Colette was scared. "So what do we do about him?"

"We educate ourselves." Dammon looked her in the eyes. "This remains only between you and me, but I do not care about the cube. I have a completely different mission for you."

NEXT

Rating: 3.2/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (6) | Hellbender Take Two
Unsolved
Posted by Frank J. at 01:05 PM | Email This

I don't think I've ever been less engaged by a presidential election including the one in 1980 when I was only one year old (like most children in those days, I cried whenever Carter was on TV), so I'm going to take a break from politics to rant about math. I hope that's okay with everyone, and if it isn't, then @#$% you. My blog.

Anyway, there is Goldbach's conjecture which is that every even number greater than 2 can be expressed as the sum of two primes. No proof yet, but it's been verified up to about 10^19 through brute computer force.

What I find more fascinating is Goldbach's weak conjecture. It states that every odd number greater than 5 can be expressed as the sum of three primes. It's the "weak" conjecture because a proof of the "strong" conjecture would prove it quite trivially (if you know you can express ever odd number greater than 2 as the sum of 2 primes, then just add 3 to each of those sets and you have every odd number greater than 5 expressed as the sum of three primes). What interest me is that it's proven for all but a finite set. Someone has proven it's true for odd numbers greater than about 2 * 10^1346, and simple brute computer force has shown there are no counter examples up to about 10^18. So, if no one is able to come up with an elegant proof, the conjecture will be completely proven or disproven when computer power catches up.

But what's the point? Does any mathematicians honestly believe there's a counterexample sitting out in the no man's land between 10^18 and 2 * 10^1346? Have you ever heard of any special number that wasn't somewhere around 3 (like e and pi)?

When I learned proofs in college, we were warned about ellipsis proofs. That's where you say for an equations, "It's true for x = 1, x = 2, x = 3,... so it's true for all x." The things is, though, the ellipsis proof tends to be correct, as patterns just don't break down suddenly for no reason. And, let's be real for a moment: When you've tried it up to x in the quintillions, I think you're pretty much okay going "... it's true for all x." And there's all these "unsolved" problems in mathematics that everyone knows is true even though no one has come up with a formal proof. It took hundreds of years for someone to finally prove Fermat's last theorem, but it's not like during those hundreds of years anyone thought it wasn't true. And no one really thinks there's an odd perfect number, but we're supposed to pretend there might be one since no one has proved there isn't one -- same as no one has proved unicorns don't exist.

I'm through pretending.

It's time mathematicians stop wasting their time trying to prove things that no one actually thinks isn't true. It helps no one and it's stupid. Instead, they should put their energy into more useful, concrete things like finding even larger Mersenne primes. We still need to break the ten million digit barrier, people!

Rating: 3.3/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (43)
Obama Vows to Ban Profits in First 100 Days
Posted by Harvey at 12:00 PM | Email This

WASHINGTON (AP) — Sen. Barack Obama on Sunday said as president he would strengthen government oversight of energy traders he blames in large part for the skyrocketing price of oil.

"Read my lips: No New Profits!"

"Some people blame low oil supplies or high oil demand for the recent spike in gasoline prices," said the presidential hopeful, "but these are just outdated economic theories. The real cause is speculative trading in the oil futures market. Trading by unscrupulous, unpatriotic profit-mongers. My administration will put a stop to this by making it illegal to sell oil futures for more than was paid for them. Without the market distortion caused by the so-called 'profit-motive', our energy market - under the prudent and level-headed guidance of the federal government - will once again become both free and fair."

Obama said that he intended to implement his "No New Profits" pledge within his administration's first 100 days, promising to expand his economy-saving plan to other markets as his tenure progressed. "Although I've long stood against the 'excessive' profits made by oil companies," said Obama, "the fact is that ALL profits are inherently excessive. That's why I vow to extend this program to other markets as well. Food, precious metals, stocks, bonds - all will eventually be both bought and sold 'at cost'. With all price fluctuations banned by the force of law, America will finally have a stable, sustainable, plannable future, unmarred by the evils of fear or uncertainty."

The Democratic contender, however, reassured his audience that this new stability would not interfere with the creation and implementation of new government programs. "Some of my critics contend that without profits, we would be unable to collect the new taxes necessary to implement important new government programs like Universal Health Care, but we will find a way to make the wealthy pay their fair share. They'll just have to sell off their mansions and limousines."

"At cost, of course," he concluded.

Rating: 3.1/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (13) | Newsish Fakery
My Vision for America
Posted by Frank J. at 11:10 AM | Email This

I'm afraid conservatives aren't very engaged in politics right now as it doesn't look like we'll have any candidates to fight for in the near future. Still, we need to have our own vision for the future to continue to work towards. With all the second guessing about Iraq, it's starting to look like we'll never be able to assert ourselves confidentially overseas again. That won't do. I envision and continue to envision an America that knows to do what is right and doesn't care about popularity on the world stage. In short, I envision an America that's confident enough in itself to be an asshole.

MY VISION FOR AMERICA

I want an America with foreign policy like the Incredible Hulk: You make us angry, we smash the crap out of everything.

I want an America that will take a crap on some other nation's lawn, and then that nation will thank us just for acknowledging their existence.

I want an America that causes contiguous countries to build their own walls on our border in a vain attempt to protect themselves.

I want an America that will invite itself into other nation's houses, drink all their beer, piss on their furniture, and the only thing we worry about afterwards is where to get more booze.

I want an America that's always looking for cool new things to nuke.

I want an America that declares war on Saturn and bullies all the other nations into joining us on the declaration.

I want an America that shows up drunk and looking for a fight to every U.N. meeting.

I want an America that invades the next Islamic country that pisses us off and then forcefully converts everyone there to Wiccan just because we think that would be funny.

I want an America that is all for passing tons of international laws and regulations with the running assumption that none of them, of course, applies to us.

I want an America that other nations are less concerned about receiving foreign aid from than not receiving our foreign detriment.

I want an America that surprises other countries by busting right through the wall yelling, "Oh yeah!" just like the Kool-Aid guy.

I want an America that announces there should only be six continents and it has a sentimental attachment to Antarctica.

I want an America that causes other countries to pay Rand McNally to get themselves delisted.

Rating: 3.0/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (35)
If the Color Fades, I Can Get Off Scott Free from Anything
Posted by Frank J. at 08:50 AM | Email This

I got my Idaho license plates, and instead of numbers indented in the metal, they're just painted on. It looks fake. We went to Yellowstone over the weekend, and I saw that Montana license plates are the same. So what's happened? Have we gotten to the point in this country that even our prisoners are too fat and lazy to pound out a decent license plate? What would their prisoner ancestors think of them? For shame.

Rating: 3.2/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (17)
June 22, 2008
Fair Question
Posted by Harvey at 06:57 AM | Email This

Pseudonymous troll Acroso asks:

"When will IMAO apologize for not supporting Ron Paul in the GOP primary?"

Well, since I am - rumor has it - just a manifestation of Frank J.'s multiple personality disorder, I can't really act as official spokesperson for IMAO. However, if I were the official spokesperson for IMAO, the answer would be:

When Ron Paul goes back in time, re-runs the GOP primary, and changes his position on the war to winning it instead of running away from it.

Seriously, that was my only beef with him. But it was a deal-breaker.

Anyway, if that happens, someone please drop me a line so IMAO can get to apologizing.

Rating: 3.8/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (29) | Ron Paul, Ron Paul, Ron Paul
June 21, 2008
I'm in Wyoming!
Posted by Frank J. at 11:27 AM | Email This

Sorry again for the light blogging this week, but I'll try to ramp things up next week (hopefully I can remember all the things I wanted to write about...). Luckily, Harvey seemed to have things under wraps, and you all probably just assumed his posts were mine and didn't even notice I was gone.

And I will get back to Hellbender. I vow to finish it!

Rating: 3.5/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Fun Toy
Posted by Harvey at 07:02 AM | Email This

Via American Digest, the Do-It-Yourself Obama Poster Maker:

NOTE: 20 character limit on caption.

Rating: 2.9/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (36) | Election 2008
June 20, 2008
Now Look Into the Camera and Cry
Posted by Harvey at 11:03 AM | Email This

For some reason, this reminds me of those "spontaneously grieving" Cindy Sheehan shots.

Here we have two pictures of the same event, probably taken moments apart. The Detroit News on top, and the AP on the bottom. Who knows HOW many photogs were there altogether. Yet we're supposed to buy the sincerity of Marilyn Pace's tear-wiping?:

obama girl det press.jpg

obama girl - AP.jpg

Anyway, comparing the two pictures, I find myself pondering a few items:

* Why is AP Obama green?

* Is it just me, or did the AP fix the girl's makeup and give her a tan?

* Soft focus background? I thought that was just for 40's film noir?

* What's up with Quasimobama's Hunchback of Illinois look?

Anything troubling YOU about these shots?

BONUS:
Barack sure is lucky that a Muslim girl just happened to be in the neighborhood when it came time to stage THIS delightfully multicultural slice of Kumbaya diversity:

Detroit News:
obama muslim girl det press.jpg

AP:
obama muslim girl AP.jpg

Which is in odd contrast to this story about him not wanting to be photographed with Muslim women wearing headscarves.

Maybe it's more of a "no fat chicks" thing?

Rating: 2.8/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (37)
June 19, 2008
In Messiah's World: Comforting the Afflicted
Posted by Harvey at 10:00 AM | Email This

(In My World Fan Fiction by Harvey)

Fresh from single-handedly saving the state of Illinois from the ravaging flood waters of the Mississippi, Barack Obama arrived in Detroit in search of more hapless victims of seven years of Bush-McCain policies to rescue. Passing Wayne County Community College, damsel in distress Marilyn Pace cried out in anguish, causing the presumptive Democratic nominee to leap into action.

"There, there, photogenic white girl."

"Help me, Obamessiah!" cried Marilyn, "I've spent all my money on clothes, shoes, jewelry, vodka, Red Bull, piercings, and back tattoos! I've no money left for tuition! How will I pay for school without getting a job like some fat, unpopular girl whom the national media's cameras love not?"

"Fear not," declared Obama, striking a puffy-chested super-hero-like pose while patting her on the shoulder in a way that he hoped would be difficult to construe as sexual harassment, "I'm from the government and I'm here to help you. I will shower you with thousands of previously unavailable tuition dollars. All I ask in return is that you do a good job, keep hanging in there, and make good choices. Like voting for me to prove you're not racist," he added with a "maybe I'm kidding, maybe I'm not" grin that glinted under the glare from the press's light like an Orbit gum commercial.

"But how will you pay for it?", sobbed Marilyn.

"Same way I'll pay for everything I promise - by stealing money from someone who has more of it than you but less than me. Like from kid over there who looks un-fair-sharingly wealthy."

"But I'm not wealthy!" objected the target of Obama's accusation. "My clothes aren't Old Navy faux-raggedy, they're Salvation Army REAL-raggedy!"

"Questioning me is racism!" Obama snarled, poking a menacing - yet impeccably manicured - finger into the boy's chest. "Now stop showing antipathy towards those who are different than you and pony up!"

"Like most of today's youth, I'd gladly give my life to support your hip & trendy multicultural neo-welfare state, but I spent my last dollar at the Friends of the Earth bake sale. Would a tofu brownie help?"

"Won't cooperate, eh?" frowned Obama. "Very well... YOU!... uh... Secret Service guy... uh... what's your name?"

"Tom"

"That's way too complicated for me to remember without a teleprompter," scowled Obama, "I'll just call you Whitey. Ok, Whitey, dangle that guy by his ankles & shake him until he dewealthifies. This white female demographic representative needs tuition money."

Tom's shaking produced nothing, save vaguely effeminate mewlings of protest, an unused-but-optimistically-kept condom, and a clearly not-empty crumpled plastic sandwich bag.

"ALLLL RIIIIGHT! WEED!" shouted Obama, stuffing the baggie's contents into the bowl of a colorful glass pipe which had traveled from his jacket pocket to his hand with eerie ninja quickness. "Time to inhale... frequently."

"But... but...", wept a befuddled Marilyn, "you said in your book that you'd given up drugs YEARS ago!"

"Change happens," whispered Obama hoarsely, exhaling as little as possible.

"I don't understand how this helps me pay my tuition," Marilyn blubbered as she turned a bit to her left to allow a CNN cameraman to capture her good side.

"Hope will pay your tuition. Hope for change. And change is me. Vote Obama '08. But now I must go."

"Don't leave me!" wailed Marilyn, pausing to make sure a New York Times reporter spelled her name right. "Only you and your blessed fountains of government revenue - which will NOT be gouged from the nearly-empty pockets of those who work hard and play by the rules - can save me from my undeserved and completely unavoidable fate which I couldn't possibly have seen coming or planned for when I first decided to attend college several years ago!"

"I'm sorry, but I must. I have to go vet the vetter who's vetting my Veep vetter. UP, UP, AND AWAY!" shouted Obama as he thrust his clench-fisted arms in the air, leapt towards the sky, and landed chin-first onto the ground a moment later.

"Heh" chuckled Obama, standing up and dusting himself off, "forgot that I can't fly. DAMN that's some A-Prime smoke! Hey kid - still got that tofu brownie?".

Rating: 3.0/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (30) | In My World - Fan Fiction
Let's Take Her Baby
Posted by Frank J. at 09:07 AM | Email This

Here's this new MoveOn.org ad against McCain:

Your first reaction probably is that if this woman honestly believe that somehow John McCain will be able to forcefully take away her kid eighteen years from now and put him in the military and send him to a base in Iraq where he'll sit around and be bored for eight months, then she is so stupid she probably should have her kid taken away from her before she feeds him Drano because it's pretty looking.

Her fears are justified, though.

I've been in talks with leading Republicans on a proposal to take children away from stupid liberals and train them to be super-soldiers. Idiots liberals like this person are going to screw up their kids anyway, and we really don't need any more annoying emo kids around, so why not make them super-soldiers? Also, probably the only reason she even had the baby is she was too lazy to get to an abortion clinic, so everyone wins.

A little correction, though: In eighteen years we'll be sending him to China, not Iraq, stupid.

Rating: 3.0/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (37)
June 18, 2008
Vote for VP, Win a Kindle
Posted by Frank J. at 08:18 PM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

I don't really care about who the VP picks are, but those Kindles sound neat so I thought it would be cool to win one. Ends up I'm not eligible since I technically work for Pajamas Media, but you can go here and vote for who should VP for the Dems and Pubs and maybe win a Kindle so you can send it to me (which I'm pretty sure is perfectly cromulent).

Rating: 3.2/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Obama Visits Illinois Flood Damage
Posted by Harvey at 11:16 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

Quincy, IL (AP) - Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama has given hands-on help in a flood zone in Illinois. He helped locals in the town of Quincy to fill sandbags to place on the banks of the Mississippi river, which is swelling to dangerous levels.

"Gimme my shovel back, ya starched-shirt photo-poser!""

"Today I'm acting in my role as a fellow citizen to help those in need," said Obama. "Sometimes you have to set politics aside and do the work that needs to be done."

Robert "Rusty" Jones, leader of the local Red Cross chapter and supervisor of the sandbagging project, was grateful for the Illinois Senator's help. "Well, he DID pick up a shovel eventually, and actually put some sand in a couple bags. Gotta give him credit for that much. Mostly he just pranced around & got his picture took, though. And would ya think one of them strapping Secret Service guys could pick up a shovel? 'Bout as useful as a porcupine in a lifeboat."

Obama said: "Since I've been involved in public office we've not seen this kind of devastation." He pledged to push federal and state governments to provide aid to the affected areas.

"Well," said Rusty, "we don't need 'aid' so much as people who bring their own damn shovels & work gloves. Big Tom over there owns the Ace Hardware in town, and he brought every digger & mitt he had in stock. All Barry's entourage brought was a whole bunch of standin' around & gettin' in the way."

Mr Obama had been scheduled to campaign in nearby Iowa, but that state is also badly affected by flooding and he did not want to draw government resources away from battling the problems.

"Hope Iowa's 'government resources' don't take as many sit-downs & smoke breaks as ours did," said Rusty.

[Hat tip: Paul Abrams]

Rating: 2.2/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (28) | Newsish Fakery
Busy
Posted by Frank J. at 08:37 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

I got a lot of e-mails yesterday that said, "Frank, why didn't you post? You are a bad blogger. I hope you die." Well, I'm busy this week (the in-laws are visiting) so blogging will be light this week. It's too bad, because there seems to be some good things to blog about. Like, one of Obama's advisors says the main text he follows on national security is Winnie the Pooh. "If your tummy is grumbly, you go get some hunny," Richard Danzig said... which actually sounds kinda aggressive.

I'm just kidding. Danzig said something much more asinine. Anyway, I hear that personally that Obama will use The Cat in the Hat as his text on foreign policy since that's the most complex book he's able to read.

Rating: 3.5/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (15)
June 17, 2008
lolterizt! Part 51
Posted by Harvey at 11:25 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

Once again, pass 'em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don't be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.



garden warfare.jpg
[reference link]

garden warfare.jpg

i am keymaster.jpg
[reference link]

invisible giraffe.jpg

on my foot.jpg

shirt whisperer.jpg

window peeping.jpg

obama 08 - true.jpg



From RWW:
islamonkey.jpg


PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won't end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

HAT TIP: Snapped Shot for handy links to ripe-for-captioning photos.

Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and - if they aren't obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don't suck too terribly bad - I'll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

Rating: 3.1/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (7) | lolterizt
June 16, 2008
Because It's A Good Question
Posted by Harvey at 08:41 PM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

wheres the beef.jpg

[inspired by an anonymous commenter #11 on this post]

Rating: 3.2/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (10) | Election 2008
Obama Backs Off On "We Bring A Gun" Comment
Posted by Harvey at 12:09 PM | TrackBack (0) | Email This
Obama - Ready on day one... for a knife fight.

PHILADELPHIA (AP) - After vowing to put up a tough fight in the general election campaign this fall by saying "if they bring a knife to the fight, we bring a gun", presumptive Democratic nominee Barack Obama apologized to the American people for suggesting that guns might be useful in securing a victory during personal combat against a lesser-armed - yet still life-threatening - mortal enemy.

"First of all," clarified Obama, "I'm getting old. And I haven't had much sleep in the last 48 hours. Still, that's no excuse to praise such a dangerous weapon. Naturally, I only meant such praise metaphorically, and any metaphorical gun I used would have a metaphorical trigger-lock and require a metaphorical background check and mandatory metaphorical 3-day waiting period."

"In the non-metaphorical sense," the senator continued. "I would never use a gun against someone armed with a knife. After all, maybe he's just taking that knife to a pawn shop so that he can sell it for gas money. Or maybe he needs it to do surgery on himself because he can't afford decent health care. I would never seek to use a firearm against an innocent victim of 7 years of disastrous Bush-McCain policies."

"What I would do," concluded Obama, "is agree to negotiations without preconditions so that I can continue to unite America through the hope of change. Unless, of course, the person with the knife were spreading rumors about Michelle's Whitey-hating, in which case I would absolutely bust a cap in his ass."

Rating: 2.5/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (22) | Newsish Fakery
Fighting the Smears, IMAO-Style
Posted by Frank J. at 11:00 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

As is quite obvious, I don't really follow the news. I did catch Harvey's post the other day, though, about how there is information out there that Obama says is not true... to the point that he had to start this Fight the Smears website. Have you ever heard of something like that? I mean, smears about a political candidate? Holy crap! When I heard that, I was like, "We must put an end to this! To the Frank-mobile!" We're not just talking two or three smears either. If you look at the site, there's like four or five of them.

I know! People are smearing someone running for office! My world is turned upside down! Why would people do this? Is it because Barack is Hispanic or something?

Now, I may not be Obama's biggest political supporter, but I am not going to let politics become some big cesspool. So here are some even more smears I've found and refuted:

MORE OBAMA SMEARS

LIE: Barack Obama once went on a killing spree through all 57 states.
TRUTH: There aren't actually 57 states. He misspoke.

LIE: Barack Obama has no penis.
TRUTH: Barack Obama is a hermaphrodite.

LIE: The only thing Barack Obama loves more than America is jihad.
TRUTH: Barack Obama loves many things more than America.

LIE: Michelle Obama hates whitey.
TRUTH: Michelle Obama hates the Jews.

LIE: You have to be retarded to think Barack Obama is a good candidate for president.
TRUTH: You could also just hate America and wish it ill will.

LIE: Barack Obama was originally raised as a Muslim.
TRUTH: Barack Obama converted from Wiccan to Islam in his teens.

LIE: Barack Obama's middle name is Hussein.
TRUTH: It's actually a swearword unfit for print. Directed at your mom.

LIE: Barack Obama wants to seize your guns.
TRUTH: He has no interest in your guns. After you're imprisoned for owning firearms, he'll let the police do as they may with them.

LIE: Barack Obama loves Che Guevara.
TRUTH: That brief fling they had was lust, not love.

LIE: Barack Obama has a long record of being a liberal.
TRUTH: Barack Obama doesn't have a long record of doing anything. Name one liberal thing he's done. Name anything he's done. Come on; I dare you.

LIE: Barack Obama was banned by the state of Illinois from owning a dog because when he previously owned a puppy and got angry at it for barking too much, he raped it.
TRUTH: There was mutual consent.

LIE: Barack Obama's brain is the size of a walnut.
TRUTH: It's the size of a walnut shell, to be clear.

LIE: Barack Obama is planning to kill the pope.
TRUTH: Liars! There is no way anyone could have found out about his plan!

LIE: Barack Obama sold out Israel to Iran in exchange for a bag of magic beans.
TRUTH: The beans aren't really magic.

LIE: Barack Obama knows to bring a gun to a knife fight.
TRUTH: If a fight breaks out, the only thing you'll find on him his urine-soaked pants.

LIE: Barack Obama couldn't find his ass with two hands and a flashlight.
TRUTH: He's found it before and he'll find it again.

Click on the "Email This" link below to help spread the truth!

Rating: 3.3/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (31)
June 15, 2008
Just Curious
Posted by Harvey at 05:28 PM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

The One-Man Gaffe Machine rolled on in Pennsylvania over the weekend:

Things did not go as flawlessly at a town-hall-style meeting on Saturday in Wayne, Pa. Picking an audience member for the final question of the day, Mr. Obama called out, "The young lady in the Coca-Cola T-shirt."

"It says 'recycling,'" she corrected him.

"Oh," he replied, shrugging. "I’m getting old."

Wonder if anyone in the MSM will ride his ass for being a befuddled coot who doesn't know the difference between waste management and a soft drink?

Rating: 3.6/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (14)
June 14, 2008
Weekend Reading
Posted by Frank J. at 10:26 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

John Hawkins has a poll of right-wing bloggers on the election.

Fred Thompson lowers the boom on the Boumediene v Bush decision.

Rating: 2.8/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (2)
June 13, 2008
R.I.P. Tim Russert
Posted by Frank J. at 10:19 PM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

It's hard to believe. He's been a solid force in the news ever since I first became interested in politics. Our thoughts and prayers go out to his family.

Rating: 3.4/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (19)
Help Fight Unemployment
Posted by Harvey at 11:00 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

Barack hired himself some nerds ("A crack team of cybernauts") to help him squelch internet rumors. Their job is to "respond immediately to any inaccurate information about him".

I'd hate to see these guys go back to coding web pages in exchange for Red Bull & Doritos, so here are some rumors for them to squelch:



Secret love child?

Obama sometimes posts at IMAO as "Aquaman".

Obama is NOT a Muslim - he is a member of the Thuggee cult, a worshipper of Kali (Hindu goddess of death and destruction), and a devoted follower of Mola Ram. He once tried to rip the beating heart out of an American archaeologist. Obama recently left the cult and denounced Mola Ram - some say for purely political reasons.

A WHOIS search shows that Obama owns www.hotnaughtygrannies.com

Obama has six fingers on his right hand and is being stalked by a Spaniard.

Barack IS the spoon.

Nostradamus predicted "the dark man of hope and change will rule the New World for 1000 days before the Mad Persian burns his land with the fire of the sun. Serious negotiations to follow."

Obama never tips white cab drivers.

Closet cigarette smoker. Inhales frequently.

Thinks about sex to prolong his ability to play baseball.

Last Father's Day, told his daughters that the tie they gave him was "ugly and stupid. Just like you two!".

Owns all six seasons of "Sex and the City" on DVD. Dressed as "Samantha" for the movie premier.

Led the crusade to get Firefly canceled.



What have YOU heard about the Obamanator?

Rating: 2.8/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (33) | Election 2008
Random Thought
Posted by Frank J. at 09:26 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

If we brought George Washington to our time, I bet he'd be astonished by all the technology we have... especially the time machine that brought him here. I don't even know how that works.

Rating: 3.6/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (33)
June 12, 2008
Why Does Michelle Hate Whitey?
Posted by Harvey at 11:51 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

Well, Rev. Right over at America is an Obamanation has HIS theory of why Michelle Obama hates Whitey, and a it's fairly plausible one, but it's not the only theory out there. Let's explore some alternative explanations:



Lactose intolerant:

whitey ice cream.jpg


Thinks competitive sports damage children's self-esteem:

whitey sports.jpg


Once dated a mechanic who loved his car more than her:

whitey auto repair.jpg


Doesn't trust fast-talking men:


Musophobic:

whitey mouse.jpg


All cookbooks are useless to her unless every recipe starts with "take the batteries out of the smoke alarm":

whitey cookbook.jpg


Reminds her of the Clintons:

whitey cigars.jpg


Once when Barack was angry, he stuffed her in a tire and rolled her down a hill:

whitey tires.jpg


Who DOESN'T hate the Yankees?:

whitey ford.jpg


A mall without a shoe store? Blasphemy!:

whitey auto mall.jpg


Why don't they just call it the "Happy Klan Hat"?:

whitey jolly kone.jpg


Causes problems even an overdose of Beano can't prevent:

whitey chili.jpg


Just sick of being kept down by The Man:

whitey the man.jpg



Who's up for some Whitey's?

whitey clinton.jpg

Rating: 2.4/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (26) | Election 2008
President Barry Dunham?
Posted by Frank J. at 11:13 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

Jim Geraghty has been a big party-pooper by poking holes in the idea that there is a tape out there with Michelle Obama ranting about whitey, but now he's floating out the idea that there is something embarrassing in Barack Obama's Hawaii birth certificate. Obama won't release it to the public, so it seems like he is hiding something. The most plausible of the possible mini scandals is that his birth name is much more vanilla that his name now, making him a bit of poseur.

My guess on what he's hiding: He was originally born a girl.

UPDATE:

Apparently Kos put out a scan of his birth certification which has nothing interesting on it and thus spoils our fun. Well, phooey.

So why is the Obama campaign communicating through that mentally unstable goober?

Rating: 2.6/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (22)
Explosive Wuss
Posted by Frank J. at 10:14 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

Harry Reid is trying to spread the rumor that McCain has an explosive temper, but do you get feeling that the guy is such a little wimp that everything just seems like a scary explosive temper to him? I mean, if you look up "dickless" in the dictionary, there's a picture of Harry Reid right next to it smiling like a goober. I bet if you're around him and you raise your tone of voice even slightly or make one movement faster than the norm, Reid will wet his pants and scream, "Explosive temper! Don't hurt me!"

Really, if McCain had an explosive temper, wouldn't Reid be dead? I'm angry just hearing about him. Being around that slimy weasel should provoke about anyone to a violent outburst.

Rating: 3.4/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (19)
The Post Turtle
Posted by Frank J. at 09:05 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

Reader TJ sent in this joke and illustration, and I thought I'd share:

The Post Turtle

An old Texas Rancher got his hand caught in a gate while working his cattle. He wrapped the hand in a bandana and drove his pickup to the doctor. While stitching him up, the doctor asked what he thought about Barack Obama.

The old rancher said, "Well, ya know, Obama is a Post Turtle."

”What’s a Post Turtle?” asked the doctor.

The old man drawled, "Well, sometimes when you're driving down a country road, you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top. That's a Post Turtle."

He looked up and saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued:

"You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he doesn’t know what to do while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor dumb thing get down."

Rating: 3.5/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (12)
June 11, 2008
A Story, Bit by Bit
Hellbender: Chapter 31 - Seeing Clearly
Posted by Frank J. at 05:06 PM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

PREVIOUS

Doug didn't feel the slightest bit of pain, but he was in agony. He thought about struggling to be free, but moving was no help. There was no escaping misery. What was tearing him apart was existence itself.

His ears were ringing, and he realized it was because he was screaming at the tops of his lungs. His throat started to hurt, and at least that was a distraction.

_Get a hold of yourself, Doug. People are counting on you._ He forced his eyes open. There was machinery around him, humming. They were causing these feelings in him. _If I could shut it off and find the cube..._ He tried to look around, but couldn't see anything.

_No. I'm going about this wrong. It isn't in this world I'm being hurt in._ Doug concentrated best he could and tried to feel the agony more clearly. He needed to find where the pain was.

There were hooks digging into him, tearing him apart from all directions. The assault was so vicious, he couldn't understand how he could last even a moment of it. All around were jagged things brutally hacking away. He wanted to turn from it, but he forced himself look down at the damage to him.

There wasn't any. His body was solid and impenetrable, like a rock, and the attacks didn't even scratch him. It was like fishhooks trying to cut into a piece of steel. There was nothing here he needed to fear.

He now looked beyond it all and saw a massive barrier to which there appeared no end. It was a void and yet it was solid. Nothing could go beyond it. It was the contents of the cube. He knew it. But he didn't know what he could do with it.

He wasn't alone. There was another presence there looking at the barrier. The being seemed so powerful, larger than planets, its footsteps like earthquakes. But then Doug looked at himself again. He was massive, solid, and invincible. He took another look at the being and saw he was looking down on it. As big as it was, next to himself it was small, pitiful. It was scared.

Doug was back in the lab. The machinery was off, and he noticed the foul smell of Ronove. "I think that's enough for today," Doug heard him say. "Take him back to his cell."

"Are you sure?" Doug called out. "It seems like you were so close to destroying my soul. Wouldn't want to quit now."

The machinery moved away, and Doug could see Ronove standing next to him, staring at him with those black goggles. "The goal today was merely to gather some data so as to understand how to destroy you more fully, human."

Doug smiled at him. "I saw you. I saw what you really are."

"Your delusions won't offer you hope for much longer." Ronove motioned to the guards. They unstrapped Doug and lifted him up.

"I saw you," Doug said. "I'm not scared of you. Can you say the same about me?"

Ronove was expressionless as usual, but Doug could feel him laughing. It was a nervous laugh.

* * * *

"So you're the Devil?" Lulu sat in the passenger seat next to Stan.

"It's a simple way of explaining myself, and thus how I described myself to your friend."

Bryce sat down in the rear with Charlene. He was ready to relax, but he could see in the alertness in Charlene's eyes that she wasn't of the same opinion. Bryce looked to their driver. "You're not really the Devil like in Biblical mythology, though? Right?"

"Let's just say it is my habit to rebel against the prevailing power over this world." He put the vehicle on autopilot and turned to face Bryce. "Once it was a single force, now it is the ones you call the Transcendents."

"Well, thanks for the rescue, buddy." Lulu slapped him on the back. "I think the Bible had you all wrong. You seem nice."

He smiled. "It's my pleasure. As the character you met demonstrated quite well, some of the scarier things in this world still are humans."

"So why did you do this when you only appeared to Doug in his dreams?" Charlene asked, an accusation seemingly lying underneath her words. "Why not rescue him since you seem to be the cause of his situation?"

His smile faded somewhat, but didn't disappear. "I don't think you people hold any position to demand me to explain myself. To make this simple, I'll help you rescue your friend. I ask nothing of you. I do admit I have my own ulterior motives, but they're mine and they don't concern you. Sounds like a fair enough deal, wouldn't you say?"

"So you're powerful, like the Trans?" Bryce asked.

"Quite. I know you feel quite powerless next to the likes of Dammon and Loch, but I can keep the playing field more even."

"Can you get us our three million back?" Bryce doubted it, but he felt he should at least ask.

Stan laughed. "I can make sure you don't starve. If money is all you desire, though, I can find you path towards that once you free Doug. If I may give a friendly suggestion, though, I think you three should spend some time figuring out what it is in this world you really do want."

Lulu giggled and threw her arm around Stan. "He's like an omnipotent guidance counselor. I like him. Let's make him an honorary member of Hellbender."

"So are you really powerful?" Charlene demanded. "Can you read our thoughts and such?"

He smiled broadly. "Don't worry, dear; I'm not going to reveal your deep, dark secrets to everyone."

Charlene's face turned white. "I don't..."

Lulu yanked on Stan's jacket. "Come on! Tell us the deep dark secrets! But not Bryce's; those are probably icky."

"Enough fooling around," Bryce said. "You might as well tell us what the plan is as once again it doesn't look like we have much choice in the matter."

Stan's face turned quite serious. "I'm not going to let you pretend that. Dammon's efforts to bankrupt you may have been perfect, but banks are imperfect. Bryce, if you check your finances, you'll find ten thousand still in one of your accounts."

Bryce was quick to check that. He scanned the accounts he set up, and there was the money waiting in one of them. "It's true."

"It's not much," Stan continued, "but enough to keep you three going until you can establish yourselves somewhere else. I can take you three wherever you want, and I guarantee no more 'huge forces beyond imagination' will be after you. You will be able to live relatively peaceful lives... as much as they were before all this."

Charlene still looked at Stan with visible suspicion. "Do you think that's going to happen?"

He smiled. "No. I think you three have already made up your minds."

Lulu punched him playfully in the shoulder. "So what's next, prince of darkness?"

"Ironically, we will be going where 'Death' was going to take you -- to Loch."

NEXT

Rating: 4.0/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (10) | Hellbender Take Two
When You've Got a Shotgun and a Barrel Full of Fish, What Else CAN You Do?
Posted by Harvey at 11:32 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

The Huffington Post is getting a Webby Award, and for no discernably sane reason, all acceptance speeches are limited to 5 words.

Let's do it:



"Arianna at 57 - facelift much?"

* Like Kos, without the decency.

* Iraq! Bush! Warming! Racism! *froth*.

* Steaming trough of celebrity crapinions.

* Obama - black messiah - he's Blesus!

* Reading story? HA! Autorefresh now!

* Comment doubleplusgood or be deleted.

* Was conservative, now socialist - turncoaterrific!

* Career over? Come blog here!

* News? Opinion? What's the dif?

* Not "rumor", just "currently unverified".

* Red meat for leftist hyenas.



Pile on in the comments.

Rating: 2.8/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (40)
Signs Someone Is an Obama Supporter
Posted by Frank J. at 10:30 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

While there has been a lot of focus what a bad candidate Obama is, I don't think there has been enough focus on how dumb his supporters are. I mean, McCain is a horrible candidate too, but there aren't a bunch of people deluded into thinking he craps rainbows and pisses sunshine. It's well known that McCain craps poo and pisses urine.

So how do we recognize if someone is one of these deluded Obama supporters?

SIGNS SOMEONE IS AN OBAMA SUPPORTER

* Blank stare.

* Unable to communicate complex thoughts.

* Fits of excitement followed by bouts of depression with no noticeable causes.

* Easily distracted by anything that is shiny or new.

* Defines political beliefs with vague, trite phrases.

* Irrational risk taking with finances.

* Submissive urination.

* Stupidity.

* Hates crackers.

If you realize someone is an Obama supporter, make sure to give him or her a new, shiny red ball to play with on election day. The person may be so distracted by the ball, he'll forget to vote, or become so enamored with the ball that'll he'll vote for the ball instead as a write-in.

Rating: 2.9/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (22)
June 10, 2008
Ask Dr. Duck: The ANSWERS!!
Posted by RightWingDuck at 07:00 PM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

You asked question, Dr. Duck has answers.

That’s the kind of sweet, caring gentle soul that I am.

People always ask me, “Dr. Duck, what is your greatest weakness?” To which I answer, “I care too much" Strange but true.

So it is with great caring that I take the time to pick and choose the questions that truly matter and take time to give them the consideration they deserve.


Ask Dr. Duck: The Answers.

Dear Dr. Duck,
What the hell?
#1 - Posted by: PaleoMedic

Dear PaleoMedic,
Shut your !@#$ piehole. I’m BACK, get over it

Next question?

So we ask questions? What do you think of Khalid Sheik Mohamed complaining today that the court room sketch artist drew his nose wrong, and that he wanted his picture to look more like the one that was released after his capture?
#2 - Posted by: Marvin

Dear Marvin,

I understand. If they draw the nose wrong people might think he’s Jewish. Because when you’re accused of masterminding an event that killed over 3,000 innocent Americans, the last thing you want is for people to think you’re a Jew.

Dr. Duck? Hmm...doesn't sound familiar. Are you sure you aren't just another one of Frank/Harvey's alter egos?
#3 - Posted by: Andrew

They/We/ I resent that remark.


Dear Dr. Duck,
Will my question help your children?
#5 - Posted by: Master Shake

No, in fact IMAO has a special program where we resell unused bandwidth and donate the money to poor starving orphans and puppies. By asking a question, you used up that valuable extra bandwidth and thus contributed to even more death and starvation. What is WRONG WITH YOU! You think you can just ramble on and on and not have an impact on the world around you? That is very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very wrong.

Read More...


Rating: 1.8/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (6)
lolterizt! Part 50 - lolbama! Edition
Posted by Harvey at 11:00 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

Cruel and tasteless mockery of your favorite Democrat presumptive nominee for your viewing pleasure.

And a note to any stray liberals who want to cry "racism!"... we don't hate Obama because he's black - we hate him because he's a socialist who doesn't want us to win the war. We'd hate him just as much if he were white and his name were John Kerry.

Anyway, pass 'em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don't be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.



dang keeps drifting left.jpg

half white so is hate crime.jpg

i question his.jpg

threesome.jpg

tongue pierce.jpg

typical white camel.jpg

eye flavor.jpg



From Starfox5253:
best buds.jpg

hit that.jpg

From Cowboy Blob:
burritos.jpg

fat stripes.jpg

From DamnCat:

[ref: words] [ref: music]

From AlanABQ:
HLRY PWNED.jpg

Ebony Ivory.JPG



PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won't end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

HAT TIP: Snapped Shot for handy links to ripe-for-captioning photos.

Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and - if they aren't obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don't suck too terribly bad - I'll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

Rating: 2.8/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (15) | lolterizt
What an Obama Presidency Will Be
Posted by Frank J. at 10:32 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

Obama has been saying McCain will be Bush's third term, and McCain has responded by saying Obama will be Carter's second term. I think that's a good rebuttal, but maybe there could be more creative analogies for an Obama term.

AN OBAMA PRESIDENCY WILL BE

...another Batman movie by Joel Schumacher.

...the return of New Coke.

...a restaurant that serves nothing but Spam.

...a new album from William Shatner.

...another season of Wings.

...Windows Vista.

...System of a Down getting back together.

...yet another Special Edition of the original Star Wars films.

...circus peanuts.

...an action movie starring Sanjaya.

So, ronin, what do you think an Obama presidency will be?

Rating: 2.3/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (58)
OVM
Posted by Frank J. at 09:06 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

From Peregrine John, how many of us are feeling about the upcoming election:

Personally, I root for the predator. It's less mindless.

Rating: 3.1/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (21)
June 09, 2008
WEtards Need Our Help!
Posted by Harvey at 11:33 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

Still no word on the T-shirt or WEleadership, but the WEtards HAVE asked for suggestions for making their stupid propaganda commercials:

Suggest the next Unlikely Alliance

You may have seen the ads already. Nancy Pelosi and Newt Gingrich. Al Sharpton and Pat Robertson. Complete opposites. But there they are, together, on a couch. Addressing climate change brought them together.

Now it's your turn to come up with the next pairing for the couch. Tell us what famous pairs would motivate the rest of America to put aside differences to solve the climate crisis.

Click here to watch the ads and nominate the next "Unlikely Alliance."

Think of two people who may be polar opposites, but might agree on the need to solve the climate crisis, like Newt and Nancy or the two Reverends have. Who are the two people who, if they came together on this issue, would stop people in their tracks and make them say, "If they can agree on this, so can the rest of us." Who are the two politicians, sports stars, actors or business people who, if they joined together, could help us reach millions?

We'll feature breakthrough suggestions on our site, and invite them to join our campaign. You may even see them on the TV screen!

Glad to help:



* Jeremiah Wright and David Duke.

* The Olson twins and unvomited food.

* Clint Eastwood & Spike Lee

* Kos & McCain's teeth.

* Amy Fisher and Mary Jo Buttafucco.

* Dan Rather and an IBM Selectric typewriter.

* Hillary and Monica

* Mac & PC.

* John Edwards & a Cost Cutters stylist.

* Al Gore and hard science.



Any other happy couples?

Rating: 3.5/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (56) | WEsistance Is Facile
In My World: Stranger Danger
Posted by Frank J. at 10:31 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

Barack Obama was alone in the playground playing with some blocks. "Now that that mean lady is gone, I'm gonna be pesident," he said to himself.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad slowly crept near him. "Hello, little Barry."

Obama waved at him enthusiastically. "Hi! I'm Barack Obama, and I've been in the Senate..." He held up three fingers. "...this many years and now I'm gonna be pesident."

"I heard!" Mahmoud sat down next to him. "So what are you up to?"

Obama stacked some more blocks. "I'm building a prison for all the mean people who don't want to pay for universal healthcare and own guns."

"It looks nice. Anyway, I think we should go somewhere and talk." Mahmoud pointed to his van parked next the playground.

Obama suddenly became cautious. "My campaign manager said I'm not supposed to talk to dictators."

"That's crazy!" Mahmoud said. "I'm the democratically elected president of Iran. Shouldn't you be able to talk to a leader of a country like me."

Obama was hesitant. "I dunno."

"And we both want American out of Iraq... I just work towards that end more actively. Shouldn't we talk so we can better combine our energies to achieve a goal we both want."

"Maybe... but my campaign manager told me..."

"And I lost my puppy and need your help finding him," Mahmoud told him.

"Your puppy! Oh no! Where did you lose him?"

"Israel took him!" Mahmoud narrowed his eyes. "I will wipe them off the map."

Obama was cautious again. "I really think I'm supposed to stay here."

"But I have candy!"

"Yay! Candy!" Obama screamed as he scampered off towards Mahmoud's van.

* * * *

"This just in: Senator Barack Obama has made a deal with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to cut off all ties with Israel in exchange for five candy bars," the anchorman said.

"I heard Ahmadinejad tried to only give him only four candy bars," the anchorwoman commented, "but Obama negotiated him up to five. He is so shrewd. I just love him so much. I want to give myself to him sexually."

The anchorman nodded. "Me too. I bet he has soft hands. Anyway, John McCain, who I remind you is very old, was quick to condemn Obama's diplomacy, calling Obama a 'little whippersnapper' and told him and all his buddies to stay off his lawn."

"I guess he doesn't like black people," the anchorwoman added.

The anchorman nodded again. "He is a Republican."

Rating: 2.8/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (18) | In My World
Random Thought
Posted by Frank J. at 09:10 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

I fear that in the future hobos will have jetpacks and ray guns. People think technological progress is great, but not always.

Rating: 3.6/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (9)
June 08, 2008
Carbon Belch Day
Posted by Harvey at 07:20 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

Coming up June 12th. That's this Thursday.

I'm planning to do my part:

Because I care about the Minnesotans:

[Hat tip to Doc Brown for the video]

Rating: 2.9/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (22)
June 07, 2008
I've Outlived My Usefulness To The Planet
Posted by Harvey at 07:11 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

Via Chizumatic, this Greenie website tells kids at what age they should die so as not to use up more than their fair share of the planet's resources.

Vile and tasteless, its only redeeming factor is that it tells me I should've died 37 years ago, a statistic in which I take some pride.

green pig.jpg

And no, it's not a parody.

Rating: 2.9/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (54)
June 06, 2008
One Key Step to Put Obama Over the Top In November
Posted by Harvey at 11:48 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

At HuffPo, Robert Creamer lists "10" key steps for Obama, but it all boils down to one:

LIE

Face it. If Obama told the truth about his platform, he'd get blown out like Mondale in '84. "I want to raise taxes, regulate our economy into stagnation, and talk to terrorists until they blow us up, after which I would talk to them even more."

No, he's gotta put some bright-red, candy-flavored lipstick on the pig of his platform and hope folks'll believe it's Miss America.

Here's the honest, straightforward, no-spin, no-BS version of Robert Creamer's HuffPo piece:



"These aren't the droids you're looking for."

1). Target States -- Spread the Field.
Lie to the people of the Midwest about sharing their values. Hopefully they've forgotten about that "bitter, clingy, racist, religious-zealot, gun-nut" comment.

2). Pour unlimited resources into Ohio.
Lie to the people of Ohio so much that Republicans will be FORCED to match your ad spending to point out what a liar you are.

3). Obama should not even think about opting into the system of public financing for the general election.
After you get elected, lie about how imperative campaign finance reform is, despite the fact that you couldn't have gotten elected with such a system in place.

4). We must devote a mix of resources to persuasion and to mobilization that is appropriate to each state.
Lie to racist blacks, the ignorant young, and frustrated Republicans contemplating the "nuclear option" of voting in Carter 2.0 in 2008 in the hopes of getting a Reagan 2.0 in 2012.

5). Nationally, the campaign must create a mass movement.
Lie to a LOT of people.

6). Democrats must convince skeptical swing voters that Obama is safely on their side.
Lie a LOT to a lot of people.

7). Democrats need to convince swing voters that McCain would usher in a third Bush term -- that he's not the "independent-maverick" he pretends to be.
Lie about McCain actually being a Conservative. Basically just say whatever McCain does.

8) Democrats need to undermine public confidence in McCain's competency and judgment with respect to the War in Iraq.
Lie about the war. Say things like "Only McCain would be stupid enough to believe that you can defeat terrorists by killing them". Try to keep a straight face while doing so.

9). We need to drive the contrast between a change candidate with a vision for the future and a candidate steeped in the ways of Washington.
Lie about being a sleazy Washington tool. Honestly, how long does the "steeping" process take? If you're still an "outsider" after working for the same company for THREE YEARS, you're probably not very good at what you do. Which tells me that Obama is just a worthless slack-ass who's not pulling his weight and is basically just stealing his paycheck.

10). Obama must continue to appeal proudly and self-confidently to progressive values.
Lie about the fact that "progressive values" is an oxymoron.



And most of all, lie BIG:

The magnitude of a lie always contains a certain factor of credibility, since the great masses of the people in the very bottom of their hearts tend to be corrupted rather than consciously and purposely evil, and that, therefore, in view of the primitive simplicity of their minds they more easily fall a victim to a big lie than to a little one, since they themselves lie in little things, but would be ashamed of lies that were too big. Such a falsehood will never enter their heads and they will not be able to believe in the possibility of such monstrous effrontery and infamous misrepresentation in others.

Rating: 2.7/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (25) | Election 2008
Thoughts on Bill Clinton
Posted by Frank J. at 10:36 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

I knew after Bill Clinton left office that eventually he wouldn't be looked on very positively by most Americans, but I didn't expect that to happen so soon. It kinda shows how he never really accomplished anything of lasting importance. I mean, America gained hugely from the Reagan presidency and his effects on this country are still seen today, but the only thing we got from Clinton was lowered standards.

So, in a way, Obama is his heir.

Rating: 3.0/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (22)
He's Not Getting Any Saner
Posted by Frank J. at 09:08 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

On the front page of his site, Kos decided to make fun of the color of McCain's teeth in a website graphic. Considering that McCain had his teeth knocked out by the North Vietnamese even most of the Daily Kos commenters seemed disgusted with the post, and those guys eat their own feces so it's pretty hard to disgust them. I really think Kos has completely lost it. My fearless political prediction is that next year he will be a hobo living on the streets, and Glenn Reynolds will murder him between sips of puppy.

Rating: 2.7/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (7)
June 05, 2008
Ask Dr. Duck: He's BAAAAAACK!
Posted by RightWingDuck at 03:19 PM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

I've been gone and I'm sure I've been missed terribly. So I'm here to answer all the questions that will help enrich your life and make you a better person. Or at least, make you three minutes older.

Question: Who are you?

Answer: Hey, it's not time for the questions yet! You have to post them in comments and I'll answer in a separate post.

Question: Where have you been?

Answer: Dodging sniper! Wait for me to finish my intro to answer questions, please!

Question: Who are you again?

Answer: Sigh.

Disclaimers: Dr. Duck is a real doctor whose experience is irrevelant because it would be a "distraction" from the real issues. Dr. Duck never attended school and most people didn't want him to be a doctor, but he was selected by a bunch of superdoctors who were able to override the will of the people. The people obviously being too poor, stupid or Democratic to make their own choices. Dr. Duck cares and if my answers somehow ruin your lives, then I will have to place the blame squarely where it belongs - on the Bush administration.

So what's on your mind?

Love? Relationships? Politics?

The Doctor is back!

Rating: 3.3/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (51)
Reasons For Obama's Victory
Posted by Harvey at 11:36 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

Yes, Obama wins... but WHY?

I speculate thusly:



Two - count 'em - TWO halos!

* "I inhaled... frequently".

* His uncanny ability to tap into white people's secret hatred of white people.

* Winning candidate in 30 of the 57 state primaries.

* What am I trying to tell you? That Obama can dodge bullets like Hillary? No... what I'm telling you is that when he's ready... he won't have to.

* Y chromosome, baby.

* Has a middle name sounds like a dead dictator, not a dead princess.

* Say what you will about his choice of minister, but at least Obama's proven to America that he can walk into a church without bursting into flame.

* Demonstrated willingness to speak to America's fallen heroes.

* People thought they were voting for Dave Chappelle.

* Not married to Bill



Your thoughts?

Rating: 2.9/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (16) | Election 2008
Things Obama Has Less Relevant Job Experience Than
Posted by Frank J. at 11:04 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

The Obama is the Democratic nominee, the Democrats thinking he should be president because of how he... and what he accomplished when he...

I'm sure they'll be able to fill in those blanks before the general election.

Anyway, the Donks have done lists of things McCain is older than (which is pretty much everything except his mother), so here's a list of things Obama has less job experience than.

THINGS OBAMA HAS LESS RELEVANT JOB EXPERIENCE THAN

* A shift manager at McDonalds.

* A churro vendor.

* The guy who makes keys at the Home Depot.

* Successful pimps (it ain't easy).

* An Excel spreadsheet.

* The guy who rips tickets when you enter the movie theater.

* The average seeing-eye dog.

* Duct tape.

* Any CEO.

* Any CFO.

* Any other Os than Obama.

* Any military officer.

* Any military enlisted man.

* Pretty much every other U.S. Senator.

* The average voter.

Next I can do a list of things Obama is dumber than, but I should first clean up my SQL server to make sure it's ready to story that big of a post.

Rating: 2.5/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (16)
Hooray!
Posted by Frank J. at 09:32 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

I hear that Hillary supporters are calling up the McCain campaign to ask what they can do to support his candidacy, which is good because someone needs to support him and it doesn't seem like Republicans want that job.

Rating: 2.4/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (12)
June 04, 2008
2008 Democratic Primary Results in 1002 Words
Posted by Harvey at 06:05 PM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

I'm just waiting for some liberal whackjob to complain that the choice of font colors is racist.

[Hat tip to Laurie for the inspiration]

Rating: 2.6/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (22) | Election 2008
Random Thought
Posted by Frank J. at 01:45 PM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

They say a giraffe has that absurdly long neck so it can reach leaves in the trees, but why couldn't it just shake the tree? Or wait until fall? There has to be a simpler way to get those leaves than being a ginormous freak.

Rating: 2.0/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (11)
I Do Not Think That Word Means What You Think It Means
Posted by Harvey at 12:17 PM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

Everywhere I look, I see headlines saying that Australian troops are leaving Iraq.

Apparently they mean "leaving Iraq full of Australians", because at the bottom of every story, they casually mention that there will be 1000 or so members of the Australian military left in Iraq after they finish leaving.

I decided to get to the bottom of this mysterious conundrum by flying to Iraq to discuss the matter with a spokesman for the Australian military. The following conversation ensued:



HARVEY: I hear Australia is leaving Iraq

AUSTRALIAN: Yes, that's right. Gone. Poof! Over the horizon. Eat our dust!

"Ceci n'est pas une combat troop."

HARVEY: The Australian troops are leaving?

AUSTRALIAN: Every last one of them.

HARVEY: What about that guy over there?

AUSTRALIAN: What guy?

HARVEY: The guy in the Australian Army uniform.

AUSTRALIAN: Well, not him.

HARVEY: But he's a troop.

AUSTRALIAN: No he's not.

HARVEY: He's wearing a uniform.

AUSTRALIAN: Lots of people do. They're quite comfortable, you know.

HARVEY: He's carrying a rifle.

AUSTRALIAN: Well, a small one, yes.

HARVEY: Bunch of grenades on his belt, helmet, body armor - he REALLY looks like a troop.

AUSTRALIAN: Not a COMBAT troop though, so he doesn't count.

HARVEY: So all the Australian troops are leaving...

AUSTRALIAN: COMBAT troops!

HARVEY: Except for the ones wearing uniforms, helmets & body armor, carrying weapons, and running around getting shot at by terrorists?

AUSTRALIAN: Which is entirely different from COMBAT troops.

HARVEY: Firefights with terrorists isn't combat?

AUSTRALIAN: Not at all.

HARVEY: Look! That troop just shot a terrorist!

AUSTRALIAN: No he didn't.

HARVEY: He fired his rifle and a swarthy fellow wearing a bomb belt just dropped down dead.

AUSTRALIAN: He was cleaning his rifle and it accidentally went off. Nothing combative about that. Rotten luck is all.

HARVEY: He just shot another one!

AUSTRALIAN: His rifle got dirty after that accidental shot and he had to clean it again. Rotten, ROTTEN luck, that.

HARVEY: So he's not a combat troop then?

AUSTRALIAN: Course not. They're all leaving. Prime Minister Rudd keeps his promises. Australia out of Iraq!

HARVEY: Except for the 1000 or so troops that are staying.

AUSTRALIAN: Certainly not! All gone! Up, up, and away! All 500 of them.

HARVEY: There were 1500 to start.

AUSTRALIAN: Minus the two that died, which leaves 500. And they're leaving. Which leaves zero.

HARVEY: So there'll be no Australian combat troops in Iraq any more?

AUSTRALIAN: None.

HARVEY: Just armed and uniformed members of the Australian military who may have to fight for their lives at half a moment's notice while serving their country in a war zone?

AUSTRALIAN: Exactly.

HARVEY: Wait... I remember you... didn't you used to be the Iraqi Information Minister?

AUSTRALIAN: There are no American troops within 1000 miles of Baghdad!

HARVEY: Ah... well... thank you for your time.

AUSTRALIAN: My pleasure, and may your stomach roast in hell!



Hope that clears things up.

Rating: 3.0/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (13)
It's Official: Obama Is Our Savior
Posted by Frank J. at 11:02 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

So I guess Obama is now the Democrat nominee or something. Apparently this was part of the speech he gave last night:

"We will be able to look back and tell our children that this was the moment when we began to provide care for the sick and good jobs to the jobless; this was the moment when the rise of the oceans began to slow and our planet began to heal; this was the moment when we ended a war and secured our nation and restored our image as the last, best hope on Earth."

Is that another "For the first time in my adult life, I'm proud of my country" moment? It really seems like he thinks more of himself that he does the country. Where did all this unearned pride come from? Is there something about him I don't know? Like does he make this really good omelette that afterwards he's like, "Wow. That omelette couldn't be any better. It was absolutely perfect. I should run this country."

Point is, the dude needs a reality check.

Well, now he'll have to spend his nights wondering if the noise outside he hears is Hillary finally coming to get him. It isn't. When Hillary comes to get you, you won't hear a thing until your neck snaps.

Rating: 2.6/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (35)
Everybody Hates Whitey
Posted by Frank J. at 10:08 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

There's a rumor going around that there's a video of Michelle Obama ranting about whitey. There's a number of reasons to think that's not a big deal, though. First off, there's no real confirmation the video exists. Second, she could be ranting about nice things about whitey like, "Whitey sure is nice!" or "Whitey helped me file my taxes!" or "Whitey has a pleasant smell!" Finally, who doesn't rant about whitey every now and then? There's probably at least three YouTube video out there of me listing what I hate about whitey. There's just something about whitey that's makes people want to rant.

Rating: 2.9/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (9)
National Gun Safety Day
Posted by Frank J. at 09:09 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

Today is my birthday. I am now in the last year of my twenties, for those keeping track. That also means I am one year too young to have run to replace Larry Craig in the Senate. At least that's my excuse.

Anyway, I like to declare my birthday to be National Gun Safety Day. If you shoot yourself with your own gun today, its extra bad luck. So make sure to practice extra good gun safety today and teach other proper gun handling, as it's my philosophy that almost any problem can be solved by proper gun usage.

Quick quiz: What's the first rule of gun safety?

Read More...


Rating: 2.5/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (30)
June 03, 2008
lolterizt! Part 49
Posted by Harvey at 11:59 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

Sorry about missing last week. I've got one of those day jobs where having a holiday means heavy overtime the rest of the week to make up for the work you couldn't get done.

Anyway, since Barry's probably sewing up the nomination this week, June 10th will be lolbama! day. Caption the Democrat's Golden Child and submit away. Preferably by Sunday.

Meanwhile, once again, pass 'em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don't be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.



French spy.jpg

full metal jacket.jpg

hannibaldinejad.jpg
[reference link]

jehovahs witnesses.jpg

Peoples Front of Judea.jpg
[reference link - language caution]

plus 71 more.jpg

turned off oven.jpg

worst spring break.jpg



From Xaetognath:
who pinched me.jpg


PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won't end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

HAT TIP: Snapped Shot for handy links to ripe-for-captioning photos.

Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and - if they aren't obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don't suck too terribly bad - I'll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

Rating: 2.7/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (4) | lolterizt
Dishonest Liberals
Posted by Frank J. at 11:03 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

So there's this study showing that conservatives are more honest than liberals, and I'm pretty sure it's true because it confirms my prejudices. And I remember there are also studies showing that liberals donate less money than conservatives and are generally less happy. So liberals are basically a bunch of dishonest, selfish, unhappy people with dumb monkey faces. Sometimes I wonder if we should reclassify liberals as some sort of subhuman, evil creatures like vampires. And, much like vampires, they freak out if they see crosses. Also, they die if you put a stake through their heart.

So, am I recommending there should be liberal hunters who hunt down and slay liberals? Perhaps, but you'll have to consult with a lawyer on the legality on that. Of course, there's a good chance the lawyer is a liberal and that you should stake him too.

Rating: 4.3/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (21)
Question
Posted by Frank J. at 10:03 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

Do you think Hillary Clinton's appearance at the Democratic National Convention will be a lot like Carrie's appearance at the prom?

Rating: 3.8/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (28)
Random Thought
Posted by Frank J. at 09:00 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

I realize I've always assumed it's illegal to murder hobos, but I've never asked a lawyer about to see if there's some actual law about it. I mean, they have no family, so it's basically a victimless crime.

Rating: 3.8/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (13)
June 02, 2008
A Story, Bit by Bit
Hellbender: Chapter 30 - Escape
Posted by Frank J. at 03:05 PM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

PREVIOUS

"We're going to let you outside for a little bit," the orderly told Doug as he cuffed him.

"That sounds nice." Doug had seen a few other humans in this building who were working for Ronove, apparently assistant scientists or guards dressed as orderlies. They all looked at Doug like he was less than human -- if they looked at him at all. He was pretty used to that throughout his life, though.

Doug realized in a moment he was being led up to the roof. "So, do you have a basketball hoop?"

The orderly ignored him. Doug remembered he should be paying attention to everything so he could plot his escape and get an idea where the other prisoners were being held. It was all just hallways and doorways and stairs, though.

They reached the exit to the roof, and the sunlight blinded Doug for a moment when he came outside. When his eyes adjusted, he saw darkness.

He looked all around, and it was nothing but grays fading into complete black. The building was surrounded by the wasteland, but he figured he wasn't actually in it as he wasn't being ripped apart by things beyond comprehension. Doug looked up to see a patch of blue sky with the sun directly above him. His eyes had to adjust again as he looked back to the constant darkness of the wasteland which seemed to eat up the light. He thought he saw things flying though it, but it seemed still again when his eyes adjusted... except he kept thinking he saw things out of the corner of his eye. There was the silhouette of what appeared to be a mountain as far out as his eyes would allow him to see, and it appeared to be moving.

"The world ends outside this place."

Doug turned around to see Ronove standing on the roof.

"So we might work together..." He limped towards Doug. "I wanted you to know that my work is the only escape from here."

Doug had no idea how he could get out of here with the place surrounded by the wasteland, but then again they got him here somehow in one piece. "You think I'll want to help you destroy my soul?"

"I think you will eventually come to the conclusion that non-existence is the best possible outcome for you." Ronove stared out to the darkness around them. "Out there, you'll find an infinitely worse fate. When the rules of this universe breakdown, it obviously will not do well for your physical shell. But for your existence beyond this dimension, its existence is not easily ended... though you will pray to your imaginary gods for all eternity for release."

It sounded quite horrible, but it also made Doug wonder how pleasant Ronove's existence was. "I don't see a basketball hoop up here, so we might as well go back inside because I'm getting bored."

"You still have the illusion you can fight reality." Ronove motioned for the orderly to bring Doug back inside. "I'll help you understand. And when you do, you will consider me your savior for destroying you."

* * * *

"So is that Loch out there?" Lulu picked up a chair as a weapon.

Charlene looked visibly agitated from not having gun... not that a gun would make much of a difference. "That does look like the attacks Elza's people described."

"Well, won't the unstoppable god of pain and suffering be surprised when he tries to open that door and finds a table blocking it." Bryce took his suit jacket off the back of a chair and put it back on.

"Preparing to die?" Charlene asked.

"No. I'm sure Lulu will be able to knock him out with that chair." He adjusted his tie, but didn't see any mirror around the room to check his hair.

There was a knock at the door.

Lulu slowly set down the chair and whispered, "Let's pretend we're not here."

"Either be polite and open the door," said a man's voice from the outside, "or I will find a more violent way to get to you three."

"Are you Loch?" Lulu asked.

"If I am, it won't help you to not do what I tell you."

"I guess he has a point." Bryce walked over to move the table and Lulu helped. Charlene stayed back, looking like she was still trying to come with a plan for attack.

Bryce opened the door and outside stood a man dressed in what looked like to be a black special forces outfit. His face was hidden behind a mask with only an opening for his very scary but quite human eyes. There was a very odd looking rifle in one hand which he pointed at them. "Other side of the room."

Bryce, Lulu, and Charlene stood at the opposite wall, as far away from the man as possible. "And who are you?" Charlene demanded.

"I am Death. I strike where certain rules don't allow Loch to go."

"You’re his disciple?" Lulu said.

He put his finger to where his lips would be. "Shh. That's a secret."

Death may have been a scary man, but he was just a man and thus not enough to scare Bryce very much. "From the looks out there, you're not very efficient in your killing, Death."

He shrugged. "People expect unimaginable horrors from Loch, but when he tasked me to act on his behalf, I had to come up with something actual to do to people. Exploding them from the inside was my best idea." He patted his gun. "It took a few tries to get the tech just right."

"So now are you going to explode us since you told us all that?" Lulu asked. "It could just be a secret between us. We'll all have a nice chuckle when we read in the news that Loch ripped a bunch of people apart."

"I don't care what you people do or say. I was given this job to get who Loch is not allowed to reach, but you three have no such protections so I'll leave you for him. What I care about is your connection with this cube that all the Transcendents seem to want."

"Well, we do know all about it." Lulu idle unbuttoned the top of her shirt while she talked. "Including the mystery of the bunnies. If you want cube help, you'll love us." She smiled at him and tossed her hair a bit.

Death laughed. "I was already planning on having my way with you two women, and I don't think you're going to like it any. Still, it will be a happy memory compared to what Loch might do to you in. Now, come on. I know you three probably think you can take me, but know I was slaughtering people back when you were wee babes. I maybe even killed your parents."

"Then you'd be pretty old," Charlene said defiantly.

"You'd think." He set down his gun. "I can already tell this isn't going to go down without you all trying at least something... and I wouldn't want it any other way." He pulled out a large blade. "I promise not to cut any of you in any way fatal, but none of you are going very pretty after this."

Hand to hand combat wasn't really Bryce's thing, and neither was it Lulu's. Charlene trained for this sort of thing, but was just too small to be very effective. Still, Death was probably underestimating them, and that was always their advantage. Bryce made quick eye contact with the other two. They were ready.

A vehicle crashed down between the three and Death, showering them with debris. Through the dust, they could see an opened door facing them. "Get in!" a voice shouted from inside.

The three were inside within a second, and the vehicle pulled back up. There was an explosion outside that shook the thing, but Charlene quickly closed the door and they seemed safe and in the air.

"Before you start worry about it, this is not a quid pro quo," the man piloting the vehicle said. "What you want is what I want, so helping you helps me."

Bryce slowly moved closer to the man. He did not think they knew him, but there was something vaguely familiar to him. "So... who are you?"

He turned around and offered his hand to Bryce. "I'm a friend of a friend. You can call me Stan."

NEXT

Rating: 3.2/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (9) | Hellbender Take Two
Obama to Join White Supremacist Church
Posted by Harvey at 11:47 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

CHICAGO (AP) - After 20 years of membership in Trinity United Church of Christ in Chicago, where bashing whites was a weekly way of life, Democratic presidential hopeful Barack Obama announced that he was quitting Trinity and joining the Creativity Movement (formerly World Church of the Creator) in order to give equal time toward hating the black side of his heritage.

"I've disowned Reverend Wright. It's time to disown the black community."

"After listening to ministers in my church spew hatred and racism against whites for the last 20 years," said Obama in a recent press release, "I realized that I could not, in good conscience, continue to be associated with such an organization. This was a deeply personal decision, not based on political expediency. Except maybe a little, or possibly mostly."

"Still," continued Obama, "I realize that skipping church for a few weeks after 20 years of wallowing in anti-white racism is as feeble an act of atonement as Ted Kennedy giving a swimming lesson at the YMCA. Therefore I will balance all my previous hating of my mother's side of the family by joining a church that hates the inferior mud-races of my father's side."

Speaking from prison, Creativity Movement Reverend Matt Hale praised Obama's decision. "It's good to see a presidential candidate embracing the white, white light of truth. Although some of his ancestors have tried to sully this fine nation with crack, rap, and Affirmative Action, we in the Creativity Movement will assist him in embracing his superior white nature, and promise to never burn more than half a cross on his lawn."

Although some speculate that Obama will eventually throw the Creativity Movement under his campaign bus just as he's done with other inconvenient friends, family, and campaign workers, Obama assured reporters in a statement that "I could no more disown Reverend Hale than I could disown working, hard-working Americans. White Americans."

Rating: 3.1/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (10) | Newsish Fakery
I Just Can't Quit You
Posted by Frank J. at 11:08 AM | TrackBack (0) | Email This

So if you took the Daily Kos, and instead of writing diaries, you have the people come up and say that on a pulpit, I guess that's basically Obama's former church Trinity. And you can't say they don't represent a wide assortment of views there because they even invited over some cracker priest to preach inane, race-baiting political views.

So what caused Obama to finally leave Trinity United Church of Crazy? Did one day start talking about how Jesus died for everyone's sins and Obama was like, "I've been attending this church for twenty years, and I've never heard such craziness. Leave the Jesus talk for the red states. I came here to hear a paranoid rant about whitey!"

Know what Obama should try? Kabbalah. I hear its big in Hollywood.

Anyway, word is Obama has now left a ton of groups just in case to avoid any more controversy.

GROUPS OBAMA HAS FORMERLY BROKEN TIES WITH

* Weight Watchers

* The New Weather Underground

* Colombia House

* The Decepticons

* An exclusive country club that doesn't allow crackers to join (or the Jews, of course)

* The Foot Clan

* The Ku Klux Klan (he attended meeting with his grandma)

* Gold's Gym

* The Super Adventure Club

* Team Rocket

* The state of Illinois

* The Democratic Party

* The Obama family

Rating: 2.8/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (15)
Random Thought
Posted by Frank J. at 10:07 AM | Email This

TRUE STORY: The other afternoon, I was letting the dog in from the backyard. As I came back inside, I reached around the outside of the house to turn off the light, i.e., I WAS TRYING TO TURN OFF THE SUN! This is what energy conservation has done to me: I want to end any light I'm not currently using, EVEN IF IT'S THE LIFE-GIVING SUN! Luckily there is no switch to turn off the sun on the outside of my house, BECAUSE THEN WE'D ALL BE DEAD!

Rating: 3.0/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (10)
If He Is the Winner, Why Can't He Win?
Posted by Frank J. at 09:04 AM | Email This

Since it looks like Hillary won Puerto Rico (do they even have electoral votes? I've never understood the whole "American territory" thing) with about 70% of the vote, I think Obama needs to go on the air with ads saying something like, "Hey, you little pissants, I am the Democratic nominee, so stop wasting your moron time and going out and voting for Hillary. When I am president, I will @#$% you up!"

On second thought, I don't think he can pull off threats. He should have his wife do the ads. People would know she means it because she hates Americans.

Rating: 4.8/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (10)
 

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