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July 31, 2008
I Just Noticed Something
Posted by Frank J. at 09:23 PM | Email This

Barack Obama doesn't look like the presidents on the dollar bills. We should not vote for him because of that.

Rating: 2.0/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (23)
Mission Mars
Posted by Frank J. at 11:03 AM | Email This

Did you know that Water on Mars may have been confirmed? Do you know how important this is?

I sure don't. I'm pretty sure we have plenty of water here. The other day it was falling on me and it made me mad.

I guess what is it important about it is that you need water for life, so there's the possibility of life on Mars. And do you what life does? It dies. And do you know what dead things do? They become oil!

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

If McCain really wants to shake this election up, he need to come out and announce, "I propose a manned mission to Mars within my presidency. And when we get to the planet, we will drill the mother@#$%."

You can get more hope and change than drilling Mars for oil.

Of course, environmentalists are going to be screaming, "You can't drill on Mars! You'll ruin its pristine prissiness!"

I hate those people! I wish could drill them in the stomach with a big industrial drill!

The fact is, Mars is an enemy planet. That been long established. We can drill it all we want and we shouldn't feel bad. It's not like I'm proposing we drill right in Olympus Mons. Mars is big -- like bigger than Alaska -- there are plenty of places to drill.

So what if there is life on Mars and they get angry at us for taking their oil? Here's the thing: They're homeless. Since it's most people understanding that you have to have a home on Earth to not be considered homeless, all life on Mars is homeless. And common law says we can do whatever we want to homeless people since they don't have homes. So I say we lock them up in Gitmo.

"But didn't the Supreme Court say we can't lock anyone up in Gitmo?" you ask. I planned for that. We also lock the Supreme Court up in Gitmo. Then when people go to the Supreme Court to complain about us locking up Martians, they'll be like, "Where is everyone?" Because the only one there will be angry, violent Scalia, and he'll rule as he always rules: "Kill them all!!!"

Wait; how do we get the oil back? Maybe a large catapult? Or I could repurpose the Mexi-Cannon™. We'll hammer something out.

Rating: 1.8/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (22)
McCain Needs a Celebrity Catchphrase
Posted by Harvey at 10:07 AM | Email This

I watched the new McCain ad where he compares Obama to airhead celebimbos Paris Hilton & Britney Spears.

It's not the GREATEST thing on the web, but he should get some credit for his newfound mastery of modern technology, since it's in color AND a talkie.

Anyway, while watching this, it occurred to me that the secret of undeserved popularity appears to be having a catchphrase.

Britney's got "Oops, I did it again."

Paris has "That's hot."

Obama's latched on to "Yes we can" (or "Vero Possumus" when he's trying to lock in the Ancient Roman vote).

What's McCain got?

Nothing.

If he's going to save this country from the Tofu Brownie he's going to need something snappy & memorable, and thus I attempt to do my part:



"I'll grind yer bones to make me bread!"

* Bomb it 'til it stops twitching!

* Older than you, and smarter, too.

* You call that torture?

* I did your blue-haired granny.

* I'm the Maverick, he's the gelding.

* I eat terrorists and crap freedom.

* Get offa my lawn!

* I married rich, he married bitch.

* Have another cigarette, raghead.

* I'll negotiate unconditionally after they've surrendered the same way.

* I'd drill that.



Please chime in, or the terrorists win.

Rating: 2.3/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (47) | Election 2008
Operation Needs More PC - Part 7
Posted by Harvey at 06:05 AM | Email This

Some Operation Needs More PC suggestions for your reading pleasure. Actual authors may claim credit in the comments if they choose.

You may safely assume that all typos were intentional.



Hi,

What a wonderfull organization you are. Its about time that an organization tried to united everybody in the fight against global warming. I am so inspired by youre ads on tv, especially the one where all the people with opposite viewpoints are sitting by each other on a couch holding signs.

I hope that that commercial was produced in a studio. Because if you were in the mountians like it looked, you would have had to drive trucks full of people and equipment into such a pristeen area. If you did that, then your releasing pollution into the nearly clean air. I wouldn't want people to think your organization is hippocritical. We need to practice what we teach, therefore more people will join us in the fight to save our fragile planet. Keep fighting the good fight.

I love to be left, so I can't be right,
Ted Blight



Dear WE,

I have no one to turn to, I want to help save the planet but my parents voted for BushHitler and say I’m to young to understand. They’re wrong! I just know that its all the bad/evil people out they trashing our earth!

The only person who understood how I felt was my English teacher. I would stay after class with him and watch The inconvient truth over and over again. But he had to leave suddenly, (the school said for personal reasons but I don’t believe them either), and all the websites he gave me are all blocked on my parents computer due to adult content).

I don’t understand. Please help me!

Wilting Flower



I'm really thrilled to finally have found a solution to killing our planet. My spiritual guide says I have eco-anxiety and that donating my time and money to the environment will help me :)

Could I make one tiny suggestion? As a pacifist I found the term "take action" to be extremely violent and vulgar. Nothing good comes from violence and the term seems to incite aggression. I care very much for the planet but I cannot take part in a movement that condones violence. Could you possibly change that offensive term to something less violent like "become involved"?

Aside from that I feel really great about stopping global warming and I can't wait to Become Involved (lol). Thanks for the good work WE.

Eli Yakelashik



Like those? Say so.

Think you can do better? Then do so.

Submit your Operation Needs More PC suggestion for improving WE's offensive web site to the WEtard contact page, then send a copy to me at WEsistance@gmail.com for possible future publication at IMAO (if it doesn't suck too terribly bad).

Rating: 2.2/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (3)
July 30, 2008
Fish in a Barrel - A Letter from the RNC
Posted by sarahk at 03:11 PM | Email This

Frank received a letter from the RNC yesterday. Simply seeing a letter from those clueless losers makes me collapse in fits of giggles, because I know they're going to ask for money, and the answer is always a resounding "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Anyway, y'all know where this is going, so I'll just get started.

First, the date:

Wednesday Morning

Hey, that's *today's* date (well, it was this morning)! Seriously, what kind of date is "Wednesday Morning"? We get those roughly fifty-two times a year. I'm starting to think they recycle these letters. Dear Mr. J, blah blah blah, ah.

I don't want to believe you've abandoned the Republican Party

I don't want to believe the Republican Party's abandoned me either, but I also didn't want to believe that they killed off Captain America or that Buffy broke up with Spike. Lousy do-gooder.

but I have to ask... Have you given up?

Um, duh? Has any conservative not given up?

Our records show we have not yet received your Republican National Committee membership renewal for the critical 2008 presidential election year.

Presumptive much? Your records should also show you have not yet received our Republican National Committee membership renewal since about 2004, when the Republicans started acting like they didn't win that election and started being like Democrats with the spending and the hating conservatives.

As the Treasurer of the RNC, I know our Party's success depends directly on grassroots leaders like you.

What? The Treasurer wrote this letter? Why don't you just get the RNC Historian to write to us so we know just how important we are?

So I am surprised and concerned especially because I know how generously you supported President Bush and the RNC in the past.

And after that generous support, imagine our surprise when President Bush and the RNC started screwing us every chance they got! (Except lately, with the oil thing, but he should have done that ages ago.)

You helped to advance our vision for America and elect Republicans at all levels of government.

Hey, we accept no credit/blame for anyone but the conservative one. Or two. There are two, right? Please tell me there are two.

Mr. J, I know other things come up, and perhaps you've just been delayed in renewing your membership. If that's the case, I understand.

I hope you also understand that we hate you and would moon you from the back seat if we passed you on the highway.

But we've not heard from you this year -- and I hope you haven't deserted our Party.

Party with a capital P. They're important.

Your generous financial assistance and active involvement are more important than ever as we work to elect a new Republican president and Congress.

But we asked for a conservative president and Congress, not Republican ones. Sorry to nitpick.

There is so much at stake. The Democrats are determined to put a liberal like Barack Obama in the White House,

The Republicans are determined to put a liberal like John McCain in the White House, so your argument would have gone better if you'd called Obama a socialist.

expand their narrow majorities in the U.S. House and Senate, and push our country to the Left [again with the capitals?] with their agenda of high taxes, big government and weakened national security.

Big government and weakened national security. That reminds me of this one time when the president passed every bill the big government Democrats put in front of him and this other time when John McCain decided that sovereign borders have nothing to do with national security. Good times.

Read More...


Rating: 1.7/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (36)
Congress Apologizes to Blacks for Affirmative Action
Posted by Harvey at 12:00 PM | Email This

WASHINGTON (AP) - Immediately after issuing an unprecedented apology to black Americans for the wrongs committed against them and their ancestors who suffered under slavery and Jim Crow segregation laws, the House of Representatives issue another apology to black Americans for the wrongs committed against them by Affirmative Action laws.

Justice Thomas says, "Be a qualifier, not a quota-filler."

Rep. Carolyn Cheeks Kilpatrick, (D-Mich.), chairwoman of the Congressional Black Caucus, called it "long overdue".

"No matter how hard I've worked for the positions I've earned," said Cheeks, "people automatically assume that I'm not really qualified, that I've been promoted over more-qualified whites to fulfill an Affirmative Action quota. It's insulting and degrading."

Both resolutions, passed by voice vote, were the work of Tennessee Democrat Steve Cohen, the only white lawmaker to represent a majority black district. "Slavery & Jim Crow were bad enough," said Cohen, "but at least you knew they were out there. They were solid barriers you could fight against. Affirmative Action is more ethereal and insidious. It's the soft bigotry of low expectations. It's saying 'Hey Negro, since you're too inferior to ever make anything of yourself on your own, Whitey will just have to hand it to you, because you could NEVER earn it.' It's reprehensible and demeaning. It cheapens the American Dream by saying 'all men are created equal, except for worthless, inept colored folk'".

The Affirmative Action apology states in part that African-Americans forced into the system "were brutalized, humiliated, dehumanized and subjected to the indignity of being stripped of their pride and reputations" and that black Americans today continue to suffer from the consequences of Affirmative Action and racial quotas.

As a positive example of shrugging off Affirmative Action's stain, Cohen pointed to the Congressional Black Caucus. "I represent a majority-black district in Tennessee, but when I asked to join the CBC, they told me I 'wasn't black enough'. Some of my friends thought I should be angry about that, but, you know what? If I'm not qualified, then I'm not qualified. Frankly, I'd rather be honestly rejected than taken in as a quota-filling token honky."

Rating: 1.9/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (25) | Newsish Fakery
Frank Negative Ad Ideas
Posted by Frank J. at 11:05 AM | Email This

I haven't been very helpful to the McCain campaign, but I still am a registered Republican (until I finally register in Idaho where you don't register to a party -- I guess they just assume you're a Republican), so I guess I should help some. Since he's finally running some negative ads, I thought I might suggest some new, even negativier ads.

FRANK NEGATIVE AD IDEAS

Negative Ad 1:

VOICE OVER: Obama is a stupid, dangerous man. He has no experience in dealing with foreign affairs and will put out country at risk. Here he is with his head stuck in a bucket while Ahmadinejad steals his wallet.

(picture then comes on screen -- it's okay to use photoshop in a negative ad, right?)

VOICE OVER: If you vote for Obama, you're guilty of murdering us all!

Negative Ad 2:

VOICE OVER: Obama is known to frequently hang out with racists, terrorists, Communists, pirates, hippies, pedophiles, and lawyers. Do you want those people in the White House? If Obama is elected president, they'll be over all the time. You'll probably be attacked by them if you go on the White House tour. Vote for John McCain. You don't have to worry about his friends; they all died from old age.

Negative Ad 3:

VOICE OVER: New scientific studies show that voting for Obama makes you gay. Just look at Chris Matthews. If you vote for Obama, you may have to go to Massachusetts to get married which could be very expensive. Instead, vote for McCain and be a heterosexual and get married in any state you want.

Negative Ad 4:

VOICE OVER: Obama is secretly a Muslim who wants to use America's nukes against itself. He denies this, but he's already lied to the Canadians about his support for NAFTA so we can't trust them. Vote for John McCain; he doesn't even know how to use those newfangled nuclear missiles.

Negative Ad 5

VOICE OVER: Look at those freakish ears! Just look at them! Frankly, Obama has too much wind resistance to be president. Just the other day I saw Dumbo laughing at Obama for being a big-eared freak. The guy should be a circus sideshow, not the president. Vote for John McCain. He has normal ears.

Negative Ad 6:

VOICE OVER: Obama is a socialist who will take all your money. If you're lucky, he'll give you some of it back -- but he probably won't. I know you're thinking Obama isn't very big and you can just knock him down and take your money back, but Obama will have Secret Service agents who will be big and they will knock YOU down. Vote John McCain. If he knocks you down, it's only because he's angry -- not because he wants to take your money.

So those are a few of my ideas. What do you think negative ads should attack Obama on?

Rating: 2.3/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (28)
Operation Needs More PC - Part 6
Posted by Harvey at 05:32 AM | Email This

Some Operation Needs More PC suggestions for your reading pleasure. Actual authors may claim credit in the comments if they choose.

You may safely assume that all typos were intentional.



I want to first say what a tremendously fine job all of you at WE are doing to solve the global warming crisis. We surely need the whole world to take action now before it's too late.

I take a minor issue with the wording in a recent post about the negative effects of climate change on Africa, wherein the Africans are referred to as "inhabitants" of that continent. This particular word choice has an unfortunate connotation of the colonialist/imperialist eras of the past and implies a similar disdain for the African peoples, whereas a word like "residents",or "citizens" would put them on the same level of concern that we've evolved to since that dreadful time. I would hope that out of respect for the humanity of the African peoples as well as those whose ancestry is on that fine continent that you would choose your words a bit more carefully in the future.

Power to the people



Alcon,

Praise Gaia. I am so grateful that there is an organisation dedicated to ridding the werld of evil Rethuglicans. Why they dont' care that polar bears dye, ocean levels rose 20 foot, or we are going to run out of oxygen in 10 years is beyond my ability to think.

My concern is the method you fine warriors, oops that sounds two militaristic, you fine acoloytes are persueing to enlighent the werld. As wonderfel as the internet is, it must me a huge energy sink. All the computers surfing the web and running servers must use a lot of energy. I think Google has a hole town of computers, but they are powered by hydroelectric power. Of course, Google does no evil. We can't be sure everyone else is using non-carbon based energy. Don't worry about me thogh. I'm peddaling a bycycle to power my 486 (lower power consumption).

Therefore, my suggestion is to move away from the web. You need to set up a group of zen practsioners to broadcast calming thoughts around the world. They should be able to reach people. That way this wonderfel project is not a net drain on the planet. After all, We are trying to save it.

Gaia's blessings upon you,



Dear Sir or Madam:

My 12-year-old son has been hammering me for some time for a "We" electronic gaming system. Being in the charter airline business, you can imagine I don't have a lot of time to do internet research, or to sit and watch TV where my son says he saw an ad for the "We".

As many of my clients recently seem to environmental lobbyists and politicians, I was amused to see the entertaining climate-crisis theme of your website, where I went, thinking that it was a storefront for the gaming system. I can tell you that if there truly is a climate crisis, it isn't being discussed on flights that I work. It seems that most of the conversations I overhear have mostly to do with fundraising and party-planning, so I am not certain whether to take the theme of your site as 'tongue-in-cheek'. Anyway, I found your site amusing.

So, good luck with your parody, and if anybody has heard of that "We" game system, could you please put a link to the manufacturer on your site somewhere for others who might be confused?

Thanks, and Aim High!

Jett Darling
Captain
Clear Air Charter Airlines
Richmond



Like those? Say so.

Think you can do better? Then do so.

Submit your Operation Needs More PC suggestion for improving WE's offensive web site to the WEtard contact page, then send a copy to me at WEsistance@gmail.com for possible future publication at IMAO (if it doesn't suck too terribly bad).

Rating: 2.3/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (4) | WEsistance Is Facile
July 29, 2008
Frank Makes the Democrats Useful
Posted by Frank J. at 12:05 PM | Email This

Did you know the Democrats are in charge of Congress?

I keep forgetting that. I get focused on how much my party sucks I forget all about the Democrats, and it's pretty easy to do because I can't actually name anything they've done -- for good or ill. All there has been since the Republicans lost power is more whining and that's about it.

So what exactly do the Democrats do all day? Being a congressman is supposed to be a full time job, but I can't imagine them actually filling their days considering voting on a bill once a week. Since we pay them salaries, why not have them do other, more useful jobs as well? They could be picking up trash all day, coordinate parking, and then give their little speeches and vote on their little bills in the late afternoon. There's a ton of useful stuff we could have them do. Like, for instance, drugs being held up by the FDA because of lack of human trials could be tested on congressional Democrats.

Yeah, I know: What if one of those drugs gives them super-strength and they go on a rampage? That's why part of my congressional jobs program is to install kill-switches in their brains. It will cause the Democrats intense pain if they ever try to harm a human. By the way, raising taxes counts as harming a human. So does having to hear them speak.

Oh, get off your high horse. "You're taking away their free will!" you whine. Well, free will is overrated. I envision a Congress where are the Democrats are unthinking machines bred for one purpose: Tort reform. You may call me mad, but they also called Bruce Banner mad. And look at what he did! He grew big and green and smashed them all!

Anyway, I'm going to start working on tiny explosives. These sort of things always requires tiny explosives for one thing or another. What you all need to do is help get Barack Obama elected. McCain will never go for this plan because he's not a team player, but Obama is easily manipulated. I'll just make it seem like it was all his idea.

"What a smart idea to put mind controlling chips in the brains of Democrats. You are a good and smart president."

"Me president!"

"Yes you are Obama. Yes you are."

Hmm. I don't know if my cordless drill will work for this. Well, it's almost a full plan.

Rating: 1.9/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (23)
lolterizt! Part 57
Posted by Harvey at 10:56 AM | Email This

I'm kinda irked that Obama is trying to claim that tourism somehow equals foreign policy experience, so next week I'm running another lolbama! special edition. Submit your captioned Obama pictures to lolterizt-at-gmail.com to join in the fun.

Meanwhile, pass 'em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don't be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.



miniature golf.jpg

feels small.jpg

faking missles.jpg

muppet assassin.jpg

nicholas cage.jpg

mapplethorpes.jpg
[reference link]

need eye bleach.jpg
[seriously, it exists]

shut your eyes marion.jpg
[reference link]



From Felicity:
splodieparty.jpg
[reference link]


PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won't end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

HAT TIP: Snapped Shot for handy links to ripe-for-captioning photos.

Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and - if they aren't obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don't suck too terribly bad - I'll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

Rating: 2.3/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (1) | lolterizt
Right Wing in New York
Posted by Frank J. at 10:02 AM | Email This

John Hawkins spent the weekend in New York to appear on Japanese television to talk about nuclear weapons. Believe it or not, I almost got invited to that based on my peace plan. I think I would have been a huge hit in Japan.

Anyway, it sounds like what I expected. The panel Hawkins was arguing against were a bunch of people with their heads in the sky arguing for all nuclear weapons to disappear and for it to rain gum drops. If any of those people actually cared about no one getting nuked, they'd have the courage to come up with some sort of realistic plan.

I'm all for America pretending to disarm itself to trick others to follow along, though, but I don't think any countries will dumb enough to fall for it.

Rating: 2.4/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (11)
Just to Be Clear
Posted by Frank J. at 09:07 AM | Email This

I do not seek the Vice Presidency and will not serve as Obama's running mate if asked.

Rating: 1.8/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Operation Needs More PC - Part 5
Posted by Harvey at 06:08 AM | Email This

Some Operation Needs More PC suggestions for your reading pleasure. Actual authors may claim credit in the comments if they choose.

You may safely assume that all typos were intentional.



First a little visual from Doug




Hello, WE!
First, thank you for the fantastic job you're doing for the environment! It's about time somebody stood up for Our Blessed Mother Earth.

Though I am truly excited to be a part of this campaign, I do have to take issue with your t-shirt store. Though I do not believe the WE staff are intrinsically misogynistic, as a male feminist, I view the portrayal of the female in a "pure," "soft" white shirt and the male in a "strong" black shirt as symptomatic of a testosterone-dominated society. To be sure, this sort of symbolism is so rampant and ingrained that it's become almost unnoticeable -- and it's certainly the norm -- but, along with protecting the environment, don't "WE" also have the opportunity to begin to change the askew, male-dominated social outlook?

Hillary '08
Proud PUMA Voter
Stephen "Huggybear" Stevens



Dear WE,

It fills me with great joy to see so many people working to help the environment and solve the crisis of global warming! I visit the site every day, and I've even shown it to some of my friends so they can understand how important it is for all of us to act before it is too late for our dear Mother Earth.

That being said, however, I was concerned about some of the language used on the site, in particular the phrase, "stand up for solutions to global warming" under the heading of Personal Choices. Now, I totally understand that this is a commonly used phrase, but it makes me think of all those unfortunate souls in our world who are unable to stand or walk because they are confined to a wheelchair. My own sister was involved in a tragic accident many years ago while she was riding her horse, Starshine, and she was paralyzed from the waiste down. Every time someone mentions "standing up" for a cause, I can't help but feel hurt and offended by these words, and I'm sure that others out there feel the same. If you could please change the phrase to something more inclusive so that people who cannot stand do not feel like they are unable to assist in the effort to save Mother Earth, we would very much appreciate it.

Ride the wave of Peace through the ocean of Love

Indigo Skye



Like those? Say so.

Think you can do better? Then do so.

Submit your Operation Needs More PC suggestion for improving WE's offensive web site to the WEtard contact page, then send a copy to me at WEsistance@gmail.com for possible future publication at IMAO (if it doesn't suck too terribly bad).

Rating: 2.5/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (3) | WEsistance Is Facile
July 28, 2008
Awesome
Posted by Frank J. at 09:45 PM | Email This

Apparently this Super Bowl-worthy ad for Snickers got pulled because it was deemed offensive to homosexuals. I sure hope Mr. T has pity on the fools.

When I was a kid, I always assumed Mr. T would be the first black president. Now it's looking like it's going to be Urkel. We've fallen so far...

Rating: 1.5/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (15)
Obama Skips Wounded Troops in Germany, "Not Photogenic Enough".
Posted by Harvey at 12:00 PM | Email This
When wounded troops look like this, Obama will be seen in public with them, too.

WASHINGTON (AP) - Democratic presidential hopeful Barack Obama came under fire from the McCain campaign for cancelling a planned trip to visit wounded American troops while in Germany. Obama's team has responded to the criticism by pointing out that injured soldiers are "not photogenic enough" to be pictured next to the Illinois Senator.

"While Obama was photographed with troops in Afghanistan in Iraq and now has more foreign policy experience than John McCain," said Obama campaign spokesman Tommy Vietor, "that was a different situation from Germany. During the Middle East portion of the trip, he was part of an official congressional fact-finding delegation. The Germany portion was funded by the Obama campaign, and as such, we're only spending our precious money on pictures that make him look good. Frankly, wounded soldiers are ugly and depressing, rather than hopey and changing."

"This campaign has worked hard to ensure that Obama is only photographed next to young, happy, healthy people," said Obama image consultant Sandy Dumont. "No uglies, no Muslims, no fat chicks. Being seen with wounded troops would associate our candidate with pain, suffering, and President Bush. We might as well show pictures of him kissing a road-kill raccoon."

Rating: 1.9/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (15) | Newsish Fakery
Frank Solves the Economy
Posted by Frank J. at 10:40 AM | Email This

A big issue this election year is the economy. A lot of people have hopes that either McCain or Obama can help improve the economy, but that's stupid. What in either of their two careers shows they know anything about economics? That's like have high hopes your cat can file your taxes.

I can figure out how to fix the economy, though, because I'm very smart. So here's my idea: We convert the dollar to a squirrel standard.

Now as you may remember, a long while ago -- like in the eighties -- the dollar was based on the gold standard. That was stupid, though, because gold is just some shiny metal. What are we? A bunch of three year olds? "That's pretty! Let's base our economy on it."

Squirrels, on the other hand, are completely worthless. But they're also hard to catch. Did I mention it has to be a live squirrel to factor into our economy? Otherwise, it's just food. So, when another country wonders how much the U.S. dollar is worth, they'll have to ask themselves, "How much is a squirrel worth? And how many squirrels are in the U.S.?" They won't know! As far as they know, our dollar could be worth like a billion of whatever Monopoly money they pass around. If you go into a foreign store and set down an American dollar, they'll probably just give you everything in the store to be on safe side -- especially since you're an American and thus they know you probably have a gun.

I know what you're thinking: Won't the Chinese come into our country and try to get all our squirrels so they'll own our economy? Of course they will! But here's the secret: I hate squirrels. This was all a plan from the beginning to get the Chinese to take all of our squirrels so they stop pestering me. Once the Chinese have all our squirrels, we'll simply base our dollar on something else like small, barking dogs.

So how does this plot to get the Chinese to work as pest control help our economy? I haven't figured that out yet, but I'm pretty sure it doesn't hurt it. That's makes it better than any proposed plan so far.

Rating: 2.2/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (21)
July 27, 2008
Operation Needs More PC - Part 4
Posted by Harvey at 06:16 AM | Email This

Some Operation Needs More PC suggestions for your reading pleasure. Actual authors may claim credit in the comments if they choose.

You may safely assume that all typos were intentional.



Hi WE!

Awesome site, i have u on my FAVORITES on my computer because i know u make a DIFFERENCE in reducing gw NOW and i want to be a part of it!!

Question: you may want to re-think your t-shirts selection in your WE store, in that you only offer sizes up to XL and this may exclude some of our heavier members who would find these sizes too snug, but still want to show there support for the WE movement but may be offended by this ommission. In order to be sensitive to these larger people we should offer greater sizes. I myself know some people that would be interested in showing support for WE but would be uncomfortable in those tight shirts due to there size.

Please adress this situation in the name of fairness.

Thanks! Ó in 08!!

Barry Love



Dear We,
I've been visiting your fine organization's website for some time now. With every visit I learn more about the Global Climate Crisis, the means to resolve it and the clever techniques your operation uses to shape public opinion and gain influence over public policy. I find it Very Interesting. By uniting all the little twigs of personal concern into one Mighty Bundle wielded by a strong and Fearless Leader your struggle will come to a Historically Inevitable Victory!
I have just one suggestion for your consideration. The unfortunate tendency of some of your supporters to invoke the mythological figure of "Gaia" is offensive. The wall of seperation between those obsessed with superstitious fantasies and the Will of the Leader must not be breached lest it weaken our resolve and cause division within our forces. The Superior Human does not need the blessing or guidance of any 'diety' to reach his self-determined destiny!
Please consider means to achieve a final solution to this disruptive element within our National and Social party. I'm sure a concentrated effort will bring them into our camp!
Sincerely,
Toppo Daphoudchane
Humans for Eugenic Hygiene


Hello! Me again.
I'm so greatful to be a part of this campain to save are enviroment. But, as I was going through the website for, like, the hundreth time, I started noticing that all the people represented on the site are white. Al Gore is white. The couple of womyn represented are white. The guys are white. Not only that, but all Western, and they seem to all be strait.

Where are those of middle eastern desent? African Americans? Homosexuals? Their seem to be no practising muslims or jews. And I know hindus care about earth also. Why isn't their anyone with a red dot on there forehead?

Thanks for looking into this, and keep up the otherwise good work.

Hope and Change in 08!
Ray Saint



I have a problem with WE. Now don't get me wrong, WE simply MUST solve the climate crisis and I am 100% sure that WE can, but I am having trouble signing up more members because of a few design flaws.

1. A lot of my friends are hearing impaired and they cannot hear the video when people go to the homepage. How am I supposed to raise awareness with people who are hearing impaired when the homepage is basically useless to them? Is there an alternate version of the site for the hearing impaired?

2. I also don't see anywhere about who is hosting the site. Are they using 100% renewable energy? Has the hosting company purchased carbon offsets for the enormous amount of electricity consumed by hosting this site?

3. I'm also running into quite a bit of trouble with the lack of diversity regardign the models on the site - not a single African or Latino American. It's really hurting my recruitment efforts with disadvantaged people.

4. My last problem is more of a suggestion, really. Why aren't any celebrities endorsing WE besides Al Gore? What is WE doing that is offending Sean Penn or Danny Glover? If WE isn't green enough for Whoopie Goldburg, a lot of my friends say it isn't green enough for them. What contacts do you have with some of the rich and famous we need to recruit?

Thanks for your time and I look forward to your response.

Sunshine Campbell
"The Earth needs a friend - are you available?"



Like those? Say so.

Think you can do better? Then do so.

Submit your Operation Needs More PC suggestion for improving WE's offensive web site to the WEtard contact page, then send a copy to me at WEsistance@gmail.com for possible future publication at IMAO (if it doesn't suck too terribly bad).

Rating: 1.9/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (3) | WEsistance Is Facile
July 26, 2008
Hellbender Update
Posted by Frank J. at 09:22 PM | Email This

I know what you're thinking. "Frank! You suck! The only reason I come to IMAO anymore is out of a morbid curiosity of whether there is any end to the depths of your suckitude. If it weren't for me still confusing Harvey's posts for yours, you'd seem completely worthless."

Harsh, but fair.

Anyway, I will finish Hellbender -- this I vow! -- but it will be on hiatus for a little bit longer. And so this doesn't end up like the second season of Lost, I'm going to wait until I have a few chapters ready to go until I put anymore up.

Keep strong.

Rating: 1.1/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (16)
July 25, 2008
Frank's Comment on Guns in National Parks
Posted by Frank J. at 10:42 AM | Email This

I hear the government is still seeking comments from the public on whether to allow conceal carry in national parks.

I shall comment!

I think it is a great idea. I would very much like to go into national parks and shoot wildlife.

You may ask, "Well why not just take a gun in now and shoot wildlife? It's not like they check anyone for guns when they enter."

That's a bad idea. Bringing a gun into a national park is illegal. I don't do illegal things.

To which you may say, "But shooting wildlife in a national park is also illegal."

You have a point, but if I already have a gun with me legally, I might as well just start shooting stuff whether it's legal or not. That's gun logic. If you are allowed to have a gun on you, you are compelled to shoot things, animals, and people. Me, I'm really looking forward to going into Yellowstone and shooting the first buffalo that lumbers in front of my care right in the face. I will totally waste a buffalo. You don't disrespect me like that! I have a gun, bitch! You fear me!

Also, if Old Faithful takes too long to go off, I will shoot it. I will totally waste Old Faithful. I paid money to get into this park, so you don't waste my time you @#$% geyser! I have a gun! I will kill you!

Then I will go to the Grand Canyon and unload on that bitch. You think you're so big, Mr. Canyon? Well, guess who has a gun! I'm the big one now! I will kill you! The police will have to buy like a million boxes of chalk to outline the canyon after I kill it.

So that is my comment on guns in national parks.

Rating: 2.8/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (20) | Frank on Guns
Operation Needs More PC - Part 3
Posted by Harvey at 05:58 AM | Email This

Some Operation Needs More PC suggestions for your reading pleasure. Actual authors may claim credit in the comments if they choose.

You may safely assume that all typos were intentional.



Dear WE, You guys rock.

At first I didn’t get your logo, what a weird W I thought. But now I totally get it, it is me upside down with my feet in the air for the W. We=Me upside down. I think it is saying even I could become chimpy McBush if I got upside down on myself.

I do however have a small issue with WE. I have never thought of myself as a very large person, but I cant get a Teeshirt in my size on the website WE Store. It sez “They run a bit small, so you may want to order one size larger than you normally would.” That means the largest size available is really just a large.

I don’t think of myself as very big but I would normally order a 2x, so the site would suggest getting a 3x. DO YOU EVEN WANT NORMAL SIZED PEOPLE TO WEAR THE SHIRTS OR NOT??? MAYBE I SHOULD JUST GET A SMALL AND WEAR IT AS A HAT??? Sorry I get worked up when I think that ample Americans are unwelcome in the We store. After all it is not WE if it is not all of US.

William "snuggles" Perry



Dear WE,

First let me thank you for all you do. It's great that Mr. Gore is still able to use his leadership abilities for the benefit of us all. I think WE really is doing a great job.

Second, as a Dyslexic-American, I feel I must draw you attention to a problem with your logo. Backward letters are a device commonly used by bigoted Dyslexiphobes to mock and humiliate us and deny our rights. WE can make a pro-dyslexia statement and support our dyslexic families by changing the logo to something less demeaning. For resources on Dyslexia awareness and a Dyslexia style guide please consult the International Dyslexia Association's website at www.interdys.org.

God bless the whole world, no exceptions,
Daneil



Dear Friends of Earth,

Thank god someone finally is steppping up to take on the evil hippocrites destryoing our beuatuful EARTH.

I realize WE's goal is to become more greener, however I believe WE's logo may be unaccepatble to some people. In primitive amazonian cultures a green circle is a sign of agression, and therefore some poeple of the Aamazonian persuasion my take offense. Even though they don't have an internet, WE still should not sacrifce the dignity of those earth-loving people.

Keep up the good work, but try to be more inclusive of EVERY people.
Very respectfully green,
Phillipe Nightglow



Like those? Say so.

Think you can do better? Then do so.

Submit your Operation Needs More PC suggestion for improving WE's offensive web site to the WEtard contact page, then send a copy to me at WEsistance@gmail.com for possible future publication at IMAO (if it doesn't suck too terribly bad).

Rating: 2.3/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (10) | WEsistance Is Facile
July 24, 2008
Edwards Caught Meeting with Mistress and Love Child - Homosexual Community Devastated
Posted by Harvey at 10:59 AM | Email This

LOS ANGELES (AP) - Former Democrat presidential candidate John Edwards was caught visiting his mistress and their child early Tuesday morning. Members of America's gay community, who had long accepted Edwards as one of their own - reacted almost universally with stunned disappointment at the apparent proof of Edwards's heterosexuality.

John Edwards: no longer 'batting lefty'?

"I cried for hours," admitted San Francisco native Bruce Liteloafers. "Until now, I never once questioned the fact that Edwards was gay. The way he used to paw at and rub up against John Kerry, that two minute video where he did nothing but pleasure himself by caressing his own hair... hey, who could've had ANY doubts as to which way Johnny swung? I know he had a wife, but big deal. That marriage was faker than a set of double-D's on the Sunset Strip. But this is like finding a video tape starring Paris Hilton and Liberace".

However, Senator Larry Craig, who served with John Edwards in the Senate, refused to believe the news. "After decades of doing under-stall tap-dancing, I'm pretty sure I know a faggot when I see one, and John Edwards is the real deal. As for that 'woman' he was with, all I can say is she's got an adam's apple you could hang a coat on and a jaw so square she makes Arnold Schwarzenegger look like Rosie O'Donnell. I think Mr. Edwards 'preference' remains both clear and unchanged."

Blogger Andrew Sullivan's reaction, however, is more typical: a mix of dismay and resigned acceptance. "There are certain 'icons' in the gay community - Judy, Liza, Elton - that really inspire you to live up to your dreams of unbridled flamboyancy. For me, John Edwards was right up there with the 'Big 3'. To find out that it was all just some sort of act... I haven't been this crushed since Tom Cruise knocked up Katie what's-her-name. Still, no matter what he's done, Johnny will always be my little Breck Girl."

Sympathizing with his people, openly gay Congressman Barney Frank (D - MA) introduced a measure in the House calling for "a national day of mourning" and requesting that all rainbow flags be flown at half staff.

Rating: 2.9/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (18) | Newsish Fakery
Aliens Have Visited Us... Didn't You Know That?
Posted by Frank J. at 10:38 AM | Email This

Dr. Edgar Mitchell, an Apollo 14 astronaut, says he was aware of many UFO visits to Earth while he was with NASA, but each was covered up.

Oh, okay. Thanks for telling us.

I like NASA's denial: "Dr Mitchell is a great American, but we do not share his opinions on this issue." So government UFO conspiracies are opinions now? "In our opinion, we haven't covered up visits from aliens... but that's just our opinion." Just doesn't seem like a very forceful denial.

Still, I have trouble believing any conspiracy that involves more than four or five people having to keep a huge secret for an extended period of time. If aliens really had visited multiple times, we would have had people confessing about this decades ago. And why cover it up? What's the government logic on that?

AGENT1: "We've discovered the lost city of Atlantis. What should we do?"

AGENT2: "Excellent. Now let's cover it up so no one ever knows."

AGENT1: "Why?"

AGENT2: "Because then when people finally find out and are like, 'Wow! That's amazing!' we can say, 'So what? We've known about that for fifty years.' It'll be funny. Now finish your bigfoot stew, but if your wife asks what you had for lunch, say you had Taco Bell."

And wouldn't a president have pulled the "Hey! We've been visited by aliens!" card by now? Bill Clinton could have really used that during the whole Lewinsky thing. And it would be a nice distraction for Bush now. Plus, could you really keep someone like Carter quiet on that, especially if you explained to him it was vital to national security?

Still, just in case, I would like to know how to kill them. They may be technologically advanced, but I bet they have a deadly weakness to something simple and common to us like the aliens from War of the Worlds. I bet it's shotguns.

Rating: 0.8/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (30)
July 23, 2008
Obama in the Middle East
Posted by Frank J. at 11:05 AM | Email This

Obama is touring the Middle East now, I really wonder if Obama's childlike enthusiasm is what that region needs to achieve peace. They've never heard of hope and change before -- there aren't even words for that in Arabic -- but Obama is doing is best to communicate his message thought broad arm movements and smiles.

It all has to be very exciting for Obama too, and I'm worried about him getting over-stimulated with all the new things for him to learn. First he got showed where he was on a map; I don't know if he understood that too well, but he did fold the map into a neat hat. Later, Obama got to see Israel and was told they have no friends in the region. Obama then said, "Israel is a strong friend of Israel’s." That being a true statement, he was given a cookie.

Obama also got to meet the troops -- or as he calls them, "the scary bad men with guns." When one asked him about how he would implement his policy on Iraq, Obama started crying until he was given some arugula to chew on.

So, are we getting closer to peace? Maybe. I haven't read about anymore violence in the Middle East since Obama's visit. Then again, I only ready tech and video game news. In video games, instead of in the Middle East, most violence happens in warehouses with plenty of crates to hide behind.

Rating: 2.1/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (14)
Bad Edwards!
Posted by Frank J. at 09:07 AM | Email This

John Edwards caught with mistress and love child!

Pretty shocking, huh. Who'd have thought he was actually heterosexual?

Rating: 2.5/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (12)
Operation Needs More PC - Part 2
Posted by Harvey at 06:49 AM | Email This

Some Operation Needs More PC suggestions for your reading pleasure. Actual authors may claim credit in the comments if they choose.

You may safely assume that all typos were intentional.



First, this pic from savethepenguins is too good to let languish as a link in the comments (and if you haven't read the first comment at that link, you're SERIOUSLY missing out):

wetards we know.jpg


Dear WE,
I am very excited about your organization and have invited many of my friends in Berkley to join. We know that it is up to us to save our planet. Unfortunately, most people are not as enlightened as us.

I do however have a problems with your site. Although it is really beautiful, I see that you have not included the site in Spanish.

I wanted to show it to my maid, Lupita and my gardener Manuel, so they could learn how to be more green. Manuel insists on using a gas powed mower and pesticides. The lawn is a quarter acre and I know a push mower would be so good for the enviroment. Lupita refuses to use vinegar to clean the bathroom (She shakes her head and plugs her nose) I just know if they could understand the importance of thier actions, they would change thier habits.

Although you are doing such a good thing, you really dropped the ball not including the site in Spanish. If we are to give Mexicans amnesty, then we need to make sure they don't harm our enviroment.

Ok, the pilot says I must turn off the computer for take off. Husband and I are flying the jet down to Malibu for the weekend! The beachhouse always makes me feel extra green!

Thank you for you work.....please fix the Spanish!

Airianna Robbins-Moore


To whom it concerns,
I love this effort. It is obviously a serious atempt to save our planet from the ravages of humans. I do have one issue with you guys though, as I browse your site, I notice that it looks like you are trying to create a green world because perhaps you are afraid of a black world. Seriously, like 10 out of 10 spokespeople on your pages are white middle age people. You guys need to work on this. Your lack of divercity really takes away from the strength of your massage.
Thanks.
Bush Lied, kids dided!
Pat "Light Bearer" Hughes


Like those? Say so.

Think you can do better? Then do so.

Submit your Operation Needs More PC suggestion for improving WE's offensive web site to the WEtard contact page, then send a copy to me at WEsistance@gmail.com for possible future publication at IMAO (if it doesn't suck too terribly bad).

Rating: 2.2/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (7) | WEsistance Is Facile
July 22, 2008
lolterizt! Part 56
Posted by Harvey at 12:02 PM | Email This

Pass 'em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don't be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.



checkerboard guard.jpg

fixer upper.jpg

gps wrong.jpg

live action stratego.jpg
[reference links: LARP, Stratego]

seen elwood.jpg
[reference link]

terizt fist bump.jpg

vader secretary.jpg

yar.jpg



PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won't end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

HAT TIP: Snapped Shot for handy links to ripe-for-captioning photos.

Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and - if they aren't obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don't suck too terribly bad - I'll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

Rating: 2.6/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (6) | lolterizt
Frank Solves the Oil Crisis
Posted by Frank J. at 10:31 AM | Email This

So a new study suggests that it was a volcanic eruption that's responsible for much of the oil we have today. That's a funny coincidence because I was plotting to set off all the world's volcanoes even before I knew about the oil benefits.

The only problem is that I don't think I can get liberals behind this plan. They aren't for drilling because they say it will take like two years before we see benefits, so I doubt they'll get behind a plan that will take 93 million years before we see results. Liberals just aren't that forward thinking. They're all, "Me me me! Now now now! What are you doing with that hammer?"

So I have a better plan!

What is oil made from? Dinosaurs. And can't we make dinosaurs? Michael Chrichton does a lot of scientific research for his novels, so if he thought resurrecting dinosaurs was possible in 1991, then we should totally be able to do it super easy in whatever year it is now. We'll make the dinosaurs, put them on an island, charge people to come and see them to fund the operation, and when the dinosaurs are nice and big, we kill them and put them in the ground so they become oil.

I know. You're like, "Won't that still take millions of years until they become oil?" Not if we use some sort of time machine to speed up time on them and make them turn into oil in minutes. "But we don't know how to make a time machine!" you say. Well, do we know how to write a letter?

We just write a letter and bury it in the ground. The letter will say, "People of the future. We need one of your time machines to help us make oil. Please give us one." When someone far in the future finds the letter, he'll know to come back and give us a time machine. We might as well ask for an efficient way of making dinosaurs while we're at it, too. Actually, why can't they just bring us some of the oil they made by resurrecting dinosaurs, killing them again, and time machining them into oil (which should be known as the "Frank Method")?

Now that I think of it, the people of the future are some greedy bastards. They're right now just sitting around with all their time machines, abundant oil, and hoverboards and they're not sharing. What a bunch of punks. They owe us! We're they're ancestors! I bet a lot of their luxury are based off my ideas!

I'll kill them. That's what I'll do.

Here's the plan: We take one of those time capsules meant to show people of the future what life is like now, but we place a bomb in it. Then when they open it hoping to steal more of our stuff, they die! And we'll include a letter with it saying that we will not stop killing the people of the future until they meet our demands. And I won't just settle for a time machine and oil now. I need a laser that can kill people from space. I'm sure the people in the future are a bunch of sissies in shiny clothing, so they should give in to our demands right away.

I know your worry: Won't we go to hell for murdering people? That's the thing: They won't be murdered until after we're dead. God can't judge you for things you haven't done yet. And when people in the future die and you're already in Heaven, He can't rejudge you because the Constitution doesn't allow double jeopardy (except on game shows).

So it's a full proof plan. Well, I guess terrorizing the people of the future is a little bit convoluted, but you have to admit it's the most realistic plan you've seen so far about solving the oil crisis.

Short of more drilling, that is.

Rating: 1.7/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (30)
Operation Needs More PC - Part 1
Posted by Harvey at 05:58 AM | Email This

Some Operation Needs More PC suggestions for your reading pleasure. Actual authors may claim credit in the comments if they choose.

You may safely assume that all typos were intentional.



Wow! Finally a moveent that I can get on board with. I love the way that you have taken the FACTS of Global Warming and put them in one location. Keep up the GREAT work!

I do have a concern about our logo. It may be working against our cause. I'm afraid that it may be offensive to other nursing mothers, the same as it was to me. Producing milk for young is a service provided by all femail mammals and it should not be mocked in our logo.

I realize this was PROBABLY not on purpose. BUt I asked a friend and she saw the exact same thing I did. Her boyfriend saw it too. Becauise of this one issue they refused to join WE. (I was hoping they might start recycling)

The form of a nursing mother is not a beautirful thing and its shameful to portray her as having utters. Nursing mothers are not the "cows of people" WE are people.
I don't know how big a deal it is to change a logo... maybe just show it less on the site?? Or just put points on the "W" (like this one)

Hope this is helpful and shows Even Nursing mothers they can be part of the solution.

Naturally yours,
pieceweaver



Dear WE,

I love this site. It’s so Great to have a site that’s my one stop shop for all my environmental solutions and questions. This place gives all of us who desire action on the most pressing issue of our day a forum to solve problems.

My extensive use of your site does give me a problem. Where are the Afrocan Americans? Where are the Asian Americans, Where are the Native Americans. Every single modle I see in your pictures are white, from story pictures to the models for your shirts. It saddens me to think how someone who has had to grow up in white bread America would come to your web site, look at it and think. “I can’t be apart of the solution for global warming. I don’t see any pictures of other Escamoes here.”

I’m sure there are other people working for WE that aren’t white. You can take a picture of them and throw it on the site. Or you guy have got to be good with computers. How about Photoshoping a picture of one of your models (Obvously don’t do one of Al. He’s way too famous to do that). If you need to, I have lots of African American, Mexican American, Native Americans here in my home town of Pitcher, Ok. I could take some pictures of them and you could put them on the site for diversity. Email me back if you want me too.

Thanks for hearing my thoughts. I want to help out any way I can.

"WE will get by, WE will Survive" Jerry Garcia- Touch of Gray

Windsong
Pitcher, Oklahoma


Dear WE:

I think its great that someone is finally thinking about our children and doing something to get Mother Gaia back to the right temperature.

I'm concerned, howver, that WE are not setting a right example for those who are trying to learn the proper way to live in an ecological world. The WE site uses a predominately white color scheme, which means that all of the WE site viewers are using screens that have active "white" pixles. This raises two concerns for me:

1. I think this is an implicitly racial undertone, and could potentially be offensive for persons of non-whiteness. A nice mocha color scheme in the site will by much more racially sensitive.

2. White pixles use much more power when being viewed, which contributes to the very global doom that WE're trying to prevent! A dark color scheme would use less power and therefore reduce global temperatures.

Please check the background of whoever's making your Web site, as they may be working for the Rethugs. I look forward to your prompt action,

Yours in Gaia (PBUH)

Percy Dovetonsils



Like those? Say so.

Think you can do better? Then do so.

Submit your Operation Needs More PC suggestion for improving WE's insensitive web site to the WEtard contact page, then send a copy to me at WEsistance@gmail.com for possible future publication at IMAO (if it doesn't suck too terribly bad).

Rating: 2.4/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (5) | WEsistance Is Facile
July 21, 2008
WEsistance Challenge: Operation Needs More PC
Posted by Harvey at 12:07 PM | Email This

I declare Operation Helpful Idiot a success.

Or at least fun.

Now it's time for:

OPERATION NEEDS MORE PC

The Premise: It's the next stage in the relationship. You still think WE is messianic, like a Green Obama, but still... you just can't help noticing that one, tiny little flaw, and if only that were made right, you could go back to being blindly in love again.

This time, the problem is... something at the site doesn't meet your hysterical, fanatical preference for political correctness. You feel that somewhere, somehow, SOME blessed group of exalted victims MIGHT be offended by something you've seen or read on the site.

Suggested format:

1) Brief acknowlegdement of the goodness of WE.

2) Your constructive criticism on how they can be more sensitive to those they've been insensitive to. Don't be mean, here. You want to HELP. It's like being brave enough to tell a friend he's got bad breath. In this case, it's the bad breath of insensitivity toward... blacks, whites, young, old, pirates, farmers, prostitutes, the illiterate, vision impaired, hearing impaired, children, people with food allergies, muppets, hemophiliacs, the colorblind... whatever. As before, try to keep it under 200 words to encourage folks to pass it around.

3) Sign off with some cliche lefty slogan and your hippie alias.

As usual, feel free to leave in a few typos and misspellings, just for flavor.

Sample letter:

Dear WE,

I think it's great that there's finally an organization that's trying to save the whole planet. However, I can't help wondering if it does any good to save the whole planet if doing so involves harming womyn's self-esteem.

What I mean is that I think your spokesperson Dawn R. on the Take Action page encourages unhealthy sterotypes of "thinness" and "symmetry" that our society should leave behind. Perhaps you should consider a repersentative with a more healthy and natural body shape, and facial features that don't perpetuate traditional lookist oppressions.

Liberation for All
Bertha Hodgkins

As before, you don't HAVE to be a member of WE to participate in Operation Needs More PC, but if you ARE signed up, it puts pressure on them to take you seriously, and there's nothing more pathetically funny than a conflicted liberal.

After you leave your suggestion with WE, send a copy of it to me at wesistance@gmail.com. If I find your entry to be brief, subtle, and at least moderately amusing, I'll post it at IMAO so that others may enjoy it also.

Rating: 2.0/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (11) | WEsistance Is Facile
Stick to the Shadows
Posted by Frank J. at 11:08 AM | Email This

So, with no horse in this election, what are conservatives to do? We watch. We listen. We learn. We plot our revenge.

Yes, we stick to the background, preparing for our inevitable return. Our enemies will grow complacent, thinking they've defeated us, but when they least expect it, we'll strike, unleashing destruction on them like a tax-cutting Cloverfield, smashing through government programs with an insane glee. The streets will run red with the blood of liberals, they're fascist frivolities torn apart. They will beg for mercy, but they might as well beg for unicorns because mercy does not exist.

It will be beautiful.

Our first target will be take over the Republican Party. Instead of the corpulent slob it is now, we want a lean beast ready for violence. No more open tent; instead, it will be like one of those tents Navy SEALs make where you could be standing two feet in front of it and not see it. And it's filled with people ready to kill. That's the Republican Party I remember. Perhaps we can even get them to the point they're more like an urban legend.

"Ever hear of the Republican Party? They say they come in the middle of the night to eat babies and cut taxes. I heard something the other night, and when I went outside to check on it, I found a flag pin on the ground. I'm so scared!"

Fear will be our tool. Anytime politicians our about to pass some law, we want them to think to themselves, "What will the conservatives think of this? What will they do? I can't possibly protect myself from them! They could be anywhere!" Even when not in power, we will be ever present. Then, when the time is right, we will take power again with such force as to destroy all opposition. The country will be back in the hands of its rightful owners, and soon the rest of the world will fall to our might.

We will not be stopped this time.

Rating: 2.2/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (39)
Zo on Religion
Posted by Frank J. at 09:36 AM | Email This

Zo has a new video, this time on religion.

Why can't more punditry be this entertaining?

Rating: 2.7/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (2)
July 18, 2008
WEtard WEsponses?
Posted by Harvey at 08:54 PM | Email This

Reader Adrianne asks:

What I want to know is, are any of these getting responses?

Any of you Helpful Idiots gotten an acknowledgment from the hapless interns who had to waste their time slogging through your convoluted psychotic blatherings?

Rating: 2.5/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (8) | WEsistance Is Facile
Random Thought
Posted by Frank J. at 12:03 PM | Email This

People seem to think it's bad that other countries hate America, but wouldn't it be nice if Mexico hated America more?

MEXICAN 1: Let's illegal sneak into America.

MEXICAN 2: No. I hate that country.

Problem solved!

Rating: 3.3/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (14)
Random Thought
Posted by Frank J. at 11:06 AM | Email This

I'm always afraid that I might be wrong dismissing the people talking about global warming just because they're crazy and fat and don't know anything. What if they're right? What if one day I walk outside, and I'm like, "It's kinda hot out... like hotter than usual. I guess I am worse than a holocaust denier."

Rating: 2.5/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (28)
Random Thought
Posted by Frank J. at 10:02 AM | Email This

One of my biggest fears about being a parent is one day finding out that my child is Mexican.

Rating: 3.0/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (19)
Trix Really Is for Kids, So Don't Touch It
Posted by Frank J. at 09:04 AM | Email This

A Hamas kids show demonstrates how a rabbit needs to have his hand cut off for stealing. So is it because of thieving rabbits we get all those key chains?

Rating: 1.5/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (7)
Operation Helpful Idiot Results - Part 10
Posted by Harvey at 06:13 AM | Email This

NOTE: new WEsistance operation coming Monday.

Some Operation Helpful Idiot suggestions for your reading pleasure. Actual authors may claim credit in the comments if they choose.

You may safely assume that all typos were intentional.



Dear We,
My friends told me about your organization. I think it's a fine thing you are doing. Unfortuneatly there are limits to the reductions in climate harming human activities that you can achieve while the total number of humans continues to increase. Therefore to ensure the long term survival of the Earth some means must be found to reduce the surplus population. Disease, war and famine will reduce populations but not without unwelcome damage to the environment which we intend to preserve. Therefore we must find means to encourage the voluntary, non violent if possible, reduction in the number of humans capable of reproduction. Tax breaks for the childless perhaps. Encouraging the undesireable to remove themselves from the breeding population by apealing to their self interest may be affected by a positive campaign like the following:
We, Planned Parenthood and NARAL
present a limited time offer!
3 proceedures for the price of 1!
Bring your babies daddy in and get
2 Free sterilizations with each abortion performed!
Quick, painless and confidential!
Save time and money! Save the world!
Sincerely,
Toppo Daphoudchane
People for Eugenic Hygiene.


Thanks be to Gaia for WE. WE must change the Bush-And-Bust administration's policies that have created a perfect Hell On Earth.

In that vein, I thought of a really great way to stop a LOT of CO2. I can't imagine how many tonnes of CO2 a NASCAR race emits but I'm sure it's a lot. So, if we were to mandate that all NASCAR cars MUST be either WIND or SOLAR powered, it would help. I know the rednecks and hillbillies in Daytona might not want to give up there precious gasoline but once they realize how much QUITER and more PEACEFUL a NASCAR race would be with eco-friendly fuels, they'll jump on board.

Maybe, we could start by mandating that all cars must be HYBRIDS at first and then work our way to a purely earth-friendly race by the end of the Obama presidency in 2012.

Do you know who the legislator is that's in charge of NASCAR?

Thanks,
Sierra Madre Maria
O in '08!


Dudes! Seriously, you guys at WE totally rock! Some people are so freakin stupid when it comes to knowing all about our planet, and how its totally gonna fry up. WE have to get the message out!

Okay, so I was sitting around with some my fraternity bros the other day, talking about about an assinement for our Environmental Ethics class, and we came up with a totally awsome idea! Really, this kinda takes care of two problems, so, double jeapordy! First, we're running out of oil, and even if we weren't we need to stop using so much, and second, people are getting so obese these days. You should see how many fat chicks their are on our campus, seriously. So here's my solution. Use liposuction on all the fat people, then, take that fat, and turn it into biodeasel. I saw a show once on how people take fat from places like McDonalds, and then make their own deasel fuel out of it. If we took all that fat from the fat people and made fule out of it, then first, you wouldn't have to use so much oil, and two, you'd stamp out obesity. I don't know if anyone has mentioned this yet, but its like, the perfect answer. You could even pay people for the fat you take, especially since poor people seem to be the fattest, and then if you paid them something two, you could also help elimanate poverty! Dude, I just thought of that! I volunteer my girlfriend first, since her a$$ is starting to pork out some, but don't tell her I said that.

Awesome, so let me know if you use my idea, cuz I could totally get extra credit in my EE210 class!

WE is the shazizzle!
Rock the vote!
K-Fresh signin' out.



First I wanto say that thank you for having such a wonderful orgnization for fixing GW!!! I was thinking of this idea. Sinse so many of us use organic food to make compost & then use the compost to make some more orgnic food...Why dont we get wise: Composting crates Co2!!! If more of us would just eat evry bit of food spoiled or not we would have less and less and less of C)2 the very more we ate.
Sure there is a real small chance wed get sick, but mainly I think more & more of us could develope a taste for food that is like "past it's prime"! I know I have & once you get used to it it isnt so bad. Eventully you can move on to do even more eating of even more food that is just a little past. Even you can get some from your neghbors trash. You really can. Beleive me!! I DO IT !!!
After a while I get even a little bit hi off it if you know what I mean!

And all the while I am contributing to OUR CAUSE!!! YOU CAN TOO!!!!
Peace, Felicia Rathbone



Like those? Say so.

Think you can do better? Then do so.

Submit your Helpful Idiot suggestion for stopping evil climate change to the WEtard contact page, then send a copy to me at WEsistance@gmail.com for possible future publication at IMAO (if it doesn't suck too terribly bad).

Rating: 2.5/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (3) | WEsistance Is Facile
July 17, 2008
Time for Some Campaigning
Posted by Frank J. at 10:59 PM | Email This

If you haven't seen the latest JibJab video, I say it's the best since their first. I love the part with the unicorn.

Almost enough to get you excited for this presidential election. Almost.

Rating: 2.0/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (13)
Operation Helpful Idiot Results - Part 9
Posted by Harvey at 12:17 PM | Email This

Some Operation Helpful Idiot suggestions for your reading pleasure. Actual authors may claim credit in the comments if they choose.

You may safely assume that all typos were intentional.



Hi, This is excellent! WE should really help us environmentalists make a difference! I was recently elected vice president of the "Green Action Organization". (It's a student group at Old Dominion University.) In past years, we had trouble figuring out which issues we should fight for. I mean, there is global warming, forest fires, windmills killing eagles. We were spreading ourselves too thin. I hope that by making my club an official part of WE, we can better coordinate our efforts. I should note that we lost our official status a couple years ago. The school revoked our charter after we ran a year-long campaign to educate people about the environmental dangers of Republicans. They want to drill more oil, make everyone drive SUV's, build nuclear plants, and use dirty coal for everything. If it were up to them, America would keep generating even more power every year! We need to conserve, not build! Republicans don't believe in sacrifice, which we need right now. The school told us that we can't "campaign against Republicans". It might "hurt their nonprofit status". It's not like we were making anything up. Facts are facts. Republicans are bad for the environment. After a lot of hearings, the school revoked our charter. But we still keep the club going. We have 24 active members and many sympathetic students. Please help us spread the message about Republicans. They really should be illegal. That's the best thing WE can do for the environment. WE should spend our money to change the laws that make it illegal for groups to use school money to campaign against republicans. I mean, unions can do it, right? Why not universities? Why not us? Why not the Salvation Army? It's not campaigning, really. It's just spreading TRUTH. What good is an environmental group if we don't explicitly go after meat-eating, SUV driving, oil-drilling, eagle-killing, deer-hunting people in the GOP? Regards, Sandra Positano


Hi, WE!

I luv that sumone is finaly doing sumthing to keep us all from burning to deth in the next cupple of yeers do to the evils of glowbal warming, four witch we only haf ourselfs to blame!!! Thank Gaya for WE!!!

First, I want to no that I am doing enuff to halp stop this cumming trajety, so I was wundering if sumone cood pass a law or sumthing reqiring evryone, me inclooded, wood haf to haf there carbin footprint mesured. Do I like haf to wauk threw carbin and than step on sum speshul paper or sumthing?

Also, as a typecal wite person, who, thanks to my lite skin tone, halps to reflekt more of the suns dedly heet back into space, my other idea is that all peeple with darker skin, who are sucking in the suns killer rayz and halping speed us all to are impending doom, volunter themselfs to be culled in a mass (voluntery) jenoside to save the planut.

But I'm not rasist or anything.

Vote Obama!

See?

After all, he can leed by exampull after the elekshun and hurl himself off a clif or sumthing anyway to halp save the planut. That wood be so totaly cool!

Sincerely,

Adolf "Duke Moonbeam" Duke



I just thought of a way to stop global warming but I don't know who to share it with. I'm sending it to you so that hopefully you can like forward it to the proper authoriteis.

Since Carbon Dioxide is like the worst pollutant in the world, can't we just put it in big tanks and then shoot it into space on huge rockets? I realize that means we're now polluting space but if we like shoot it towards the sun, it'll just burn up anyway so there won't be any like earth germs and stuff left on it to pollute other planets and stuff.

I know your thinking that a problem with this is how to make the rockets go since they use like rocket fuel anyway and that's just going to put more CO2 in the atmosphere. But I heard that they're like collecting cow farts (i know it's really gross!) and that it's methane and that methane burns.

So we would have a renewable resource that would power those rockets to shoot the Carbon Dioxide into space to get it off of Mother Earth - that's like a double-smack in the face of Global Warming.

Do you know who I could talk to to start working on this?

Sunshine Campbell
"Earth needs a friend - are YOU available?"



Finally, people are starting to apply their minds to preserving our increasingly
scarce resources instead of finding faster ways to consume them.

Bucky Fuller once said that the problem wasn't scarcity but distribution (Oh to
have lived back when that was true - before energy consumption doubled every 4
years, depleting all the accessible oil on this continent). Air conditioning
could be made efficient if we simply used a nationwide set of underground
cooling tubes to connect heat pumps in the south to heat pumps in the north.
Even during summer people up north need heat for swimming pools, cooking and
commercial applications. Heck, New York City still has steam pipes for powering
businesses. By taking the output of the air conditioners in the south and
pumping the excess heat, they won't have to burn nearly as much fossil fuels for
power.

Keep up the good work, there are a lot of great plans that require only that our
government invest in infrastructure the way it invests in attacking other
countries.



Like those? Say so.

Think you can do better? Then do so.

Submit your Helpful Idiot suggestion for stopping evil climate change to the WEtard contact page, then send a copy to me at WEsistance@gmail.com for possible future publication at IMAO (if it doesn't suck too terribly bad).

Rating: 1.4/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (7) | WEsistance Is Facile
Mission Accomplished?
Posted by Frank J. at 11:03 AM | Email This

So, did we win in Iraq? Is it to the point where, empty campaign promises aside, even Obama can't screw it up?

If that's true, that's not only a victory over terrorists -- who it was never any doubt our military could defeat -- but over whiny Americans who don't have any respect for war or patriotism. It's pretty odd that our military has gotten so good that no one out there can even stand up against them so instead American take it upon themselves to be the foils, attacking our forces from a more psychological angle. It seemed so effective after Vietnam, but it looks like the whining may not be enough this time.

If they're war against our military is truly lost in Iraq, do you think they'll turn on Afghanistan? If you remember, liberals starting calling "quagmire" about a week or so into it before getting distracted by other things. It will probably make a difference whether it's a Democrat or Republican president when the focus changes, but violent pacifists gotta mindlessly oppose something.

I think the way to defend against this in the future is to simply not tell liberals about a war. We would never except any contributions from them, so there's no reason why we tell them. And they probably don't know anyone in the military to find out there's a war on. We can then tell them after the job is done, because post-war whining is inconsequential. The enemy is already dead and can't get encouragement from it.

Rating: 1.3/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (9)
The World Court and Texas
Posted by Frank J. at 09:09 AM | Email This

The World Court has ordered Texas not to execute murderous Mexican nationals. So what was the World Court's determination? That Texans needed a good laugh?

A lot of those Mexicans came here illegally hoping to be treated like citizens. I guess they got their wish.

Rating: 2.5/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (20)
July 16, 2008
Membership Has Its Privleges
Posted by Harvey at 09:43 PM | Email This

Since the WEtards put me ahead of the curve on this news item, I thought I'd toss out a spoiler:

Something important is happening tomorrow.

In a speech in Washington, DC, Nobel Laureate and Former Vice President Al Gore will issue a major challenge, essentially pressing the "reset" button on how we think about energy and climate, and how we can create prosperity in America.

His speech will generate a great deal of attention. Since you are a We campaign member, we wanted to make sure you heard about it in advance. We'll email you when we've posted the video highlights, action steps and other resources -- so stay tuned for breaking news!

In the interests of accuracy, shouldn't Gore's description also include the phrases "Oscar winner", "limousine liberal" and "presidential also-ran"?

Tangentially, I had no idea that WEtards came with a "reset" button. If I press it, can I make them stop proselytizing for their bizarre religious cult?

As for creating prosperity, does this mean Al Gore FINALLY cracked the cover on that copy of The Capitalist Manifesto I sent him?

Great news, if true. I can't wait for the speech.

In other WEtard news, 6 weeks after their membership contest ended, I *finally* got my WEshirt. Size XL, organic cotton, WE logo placed like a central third breast sans nipple, and their website URL on the back.

Plus two WE stickers and 4 WE buttons.

But what to do with it?

I'm torn between holding some sort of reader "What I would do with WE logo merchandise" short essay contest, and auctioning the stuff off and donating the proceeds to some sort of charity that produces a large carbon footprint (like the US Military).

I'm very open to suggestions at this point.

Rating: 3.1/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (19) | WEsistance Is Facile
A Little Help for the Late Night Writers
Posted by Harvey at 11:00 AM | Email This

The New York Times has a piece that feebly examines why late night talk shows are avoiding skewering Obama in their monologues. Here are some of their excuses:

"The thing is, he's not buffoonish in any way,[...] He's not a comical figure"

"A lot of people are excited about his candidacy [...] It's almost like: 'Hey, don't go after this guy. He's a fresh face; cut him some slack.'"

"We're not trying to lay off the new guy"

"I think some of us were maybe too quick to caricature Al Gore and John Kerry and there's maybe some reluctance to do the same thing to him"

"Anything that has even a whiff of being racist, no one is going to laugh [...] The audience is not going to allow anyone to do that."

"I think white audiences get a little self-conscious if race comes up"

"I think it's more a problem because he's so polished, he doesn't seem to have any flaws."

"We can't manufacture a perception. If the perception isn't true, no one will laugh at it."

I can't believe these limp-wristed auto-fellators call themselves comedians. If you can't make a joke about something, it's not because the subject is unmockable, it's because you aren't trying hard enough. Hell, I made 30 jokes about Nebraska, and that's universally regarded as the boringest state in the world.

Quitters.

Still, Jimmy Kimmel suggests there might be ONE possible approach for these slack-mastering layabouts:

"His ears should be the focus of the jokes."

Fine, let's run with that. Here's a double handful of punchlines to the setup, "Obama's ears are SO big..."



"Yeah, I could stick my whole fist in there if I wanted to."

* ... Alfred E. Neuman took one look at them and said "if mine were that big, then I *would* worry".

* ... he can't go to the zoo without getting hit on by lady elephants. Or the boys, when he's in Frisco.

* ... Michelle nearly refused to marry him after she found out that it's NOT true what they say about the size of a man's ears.

* ... he doesn't have to attend church to listen to Rev. Wright's sermons.

* ... the thought of trying to squeeze through a revolving door makes him break out in a cold sweat.

* ... moderators at presidential candidate debates will never know he's cheating. Seriously, who's got 6 hours to inspect those things for a smuggled wireless earpiece?

* ... Curious George sued him for copyright infringement.

* ... teenagers frequently mistake them for a totally rad skate park.

* ... mobile news crews use them to get a satellite uplink.

* ... they have their own zip codes

* ... and time zones.



Personally, I recommend the Late Night Lame & Lazies either get their noses back on the grindstone or just come right out and admit that the REAL reason Obama gets a pass is that they're a bunch of humor-impaired socialist wanna-be's who wouldn't know a good joke if it jumped up and bit them on the Liberal Arts degree.

Rating: 2.7/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (30) | Barackalypse Now
Conservatives, It's Just a Recession
Posted by Frank J. at 10:01 AM | Email This

I'm seeing a lot of panicking from conservatives lately. There's a good chance Obama will win the presidency, and even if he doesn't, it's not like McCain is going to usher in a new era of conservative dominance. And then there's congress which looks pretty certain to go even more to the Democrats in November.

But, well, that happens.

Politics is cyclical. It's not like you have a couple victories for conservatives and then before you know it the government resembles something from a Heinlein novel. There are going to be ups and downs, and conservatives are in a down period. And when the other side wins we like to pretend its the end of the world, but that just us playing the politics game. What we have to look at is the overall progress. Previous conservatives wins have embedded certain attitudes on guns, taxes, and foreign affairs in the American people that just won't be erased because someone different gets elected president. Even if the Democrats have full control, there is only so much they can do without pissing off the public, and an election comes around every two years.

All I'm saying is don't discount the progress we've made and be a bunch of chicken littles thinking the next election is going to turn America into a socialist dystopia. We're in a political recession, but it won't last forever and we need clear heads for when the next opportunity comes.

Rating: 1.8/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (37)
Operation Helpful Idiot Results - Part 8
Posted by Harvey at 05:39 AM | Email This

Some Operation Helpful Idiot suggestions for your reading pleasure. Actual authors may claim credit in the comments if they choose.

You may safely assume that all typos were intentional.



I think that this WE campaign is the best thing to come along since Bill Clinton was president!@!! First of all, we need to undo all of the damage that the republicans keep doing to our wonderful planet. They just do'nt understand how important it is to take care of Mother earth! So heres my suggestion-- I think Cheryl Crow was on the totally right track when she started talking about the one square of toilet paper rule. I mean, think of how many trees we could save if even half of the country committed to doing this all the time!!!!1 We'd save at least 100 trees! and wow clean up our air.But i think we should take it one step further to include other kinds of paper products (computer paper, paper plates, napkins, etc). I think thats where your organization could be helpful. Like using your researchers to come up with a fair number for all Americans for how much paper we should get a year. And then the government could pass it out, and everyone gets their share. If you use it up, make buying extra toilet paper really expensive (hey, those wasting rich republicans can pay the price if they won't support WE and us, and it will just give them less money to buy guns anyway.). Just my two sents.

Vote for hope, hope for change! Obama 08'



Dear WE,

The center of the earth is very hot, but we live on the surface of the
earth, and now I no that the surface is getting much hotter because we do.
It seems right to me that the center hot is somehow getting to the surface.
Oil in my car gets hot, so I no that oil is hot. Maybe it is the same in
the earth!!! If we get the oil out of the earth then the earth will be less
hotter. This is so right that nobody can not no it!!! Plus all the holes
to get the oil will make the center less hot, like my car gets air to it.

Thanks for making me think of this before its to late. Call me if you don't
get it and I can help you get it, and I can think of some other stuff to.

Justin Berkley III

Dumb people are mean :)



I think its graet that WE are getting involvd in solving the pressing needs of the world. May I suggest?
1) Reduced energy consumption through global economic collapse. Its gonna happen, just WHEN is the question. WE can encourage this through government support of any and all programs -- to starve the economy of resources.
2) A Global Tax on electrons used. With profits to fund green alternatives to electron/protons.
3) Sustainable cooperative initiatives through leveled playing fields. What I mean is reduction of inequality with an eye toward measurable fairness.
4) Clean-based ecofuel programs which are outcome-based and will not increase global warming and/or cooling.
5) Support initatives which wil increase community projects in greenscaping, cityscaping and ecoscaping. Investigative projects funded by BIG OIL which will discover the possible uses of kinetic energy in the sea (without interrupting native sealife) and potential energy stored in rocks poised to fall off high peaks.*
*Without actually removing the rocks from the peaks. The potential energy stored in boulders which are high on cliffs in say, Colorado or Montana could fuel a small city.


Nuke Iran! If we nuke Iran we can save the planet.

Here's how:

When nukes go off they release an enormous amount of energy. This "energy" is in the form of a huge fire ball that will melt the sands of Iran.

Once the "dust settles" there will be huge sheets of glass made from melted sand everywhere the nukes exploded in essence making huge mirrors that will reflect the energy from the sun just enough to combat the dreaded "Global Warming".

Poof, World saved.

Swinehound



Like those? Say so.

Think you can do better? Then do so.

Submit your Helpful Idiot suggestion for stopping evil climate change to the WEtard contact page, then send a copy to me at WEsistance@gmail.com for possible future publication at IMAO (if it doesn't suck too terribly bad).

Rating: 2.6/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (4) | WEsistance Is Facile
July 15, 2008
lolterizt! Part 55
Posted by Harvey at 12:01 PM | Email This

Yay! Reader participation this week!

Pass 'em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don't be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.



bagdad tampn.jpg

do not overwater.jpg

in your iraq.jpg

just a pistol.jpg

steely resolve.jpg
[Hat tip: Laurie]

tv is like.jpg

tiny speck.jpg



Two from Matthew:
puppet master.jpg

iran no nukes.jpg

From Gradual Dazzle
made you look.jpg

From Aaron



PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won't end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

HAT TIP: Snapped Shot for handy links to ripe-for-captioning photos.

Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and - if they aren't obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don't suck too terribly bad - I'll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

Rating: 2.3/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (4) | lolterizt
In My World: Drill!
Posted by Frank J. at 11:06 AM | Email This

"Drill! Drill!" President Bush shouted as the people put together the drilling equipment.

"What are you doing in my house?" Harry Reid demanded as he walked up to Bush.

"I lifted the ban on off-shore drilling, and I'm starting with your house," Bush said.

"My house isn't off-shore!"

Bush shrugged. "I was going to move your house off shore and then drill it, but that seemed excessive."

"Why do you want to drill my house?!"

"Because I hate you, stupid." Bush punched Reid in the face, knocking him to the ground. "You're stupid!"

"I'll get you for this!" Reid ran off.

"And do what? Get me thrown out of office within a year? Lower my approval ratings." Bush chuckled and made a call on his cell phone. "How's the drilling in San Francisco going? ...Well, if any hippies start to give you trouble, just drill in their heads... Of course it's legal. I told you you could do it, so it's legal!" Bush hung up the phone and walked over to Dick Cheney. "So do you think we'll strike oil soon?"

"With all the drilling we're doing, it's inevitable," Cheney said. "And then we'll steal it and watch the puny humans suffer!"

"No!" Bush yelled. "We're supposed to get more oil so the American people will love me again and burn Democrats in tribute to me."

"Halliburton was under the assumption this was an evil, no-bid drilling contract," Cheney explained. "If you want them not to be evil, that costs extra."

"How much extra?"

"Twenty percent."

Bush thought about that. "That's too much. Well, if the American people really are going to elect Obama, I guess they deserve to suffer."

"Whatever. I'm way passed the point of feeling I need to justify my action." Cheney rubbed his hands together greedily. "I love evil!"

Bush shrugged. "Evil is alright. Time to try and explain things to the press."

Cheney continued to watch the drilling equipment. "Puppets are in the car."

* * * *

"Obama is such a tool. I want to cut his nuts off."

"Uh... the mike is on," one of the reporters said.

"Why do you think I'm reading the teleprompter?" Bush shouted in response. He looked back to the prompter. "But enough about Obama's nuts; I'm here to talk about drilling. People don't like high gas prices, so the obvious thing to do is drill for more oil. Anyone who whines about gas prices and isn't for drilling is a stupid annoying person who should be drilled in the head -- maybe by one of those flying silver sphere things from the horror movie Phantasm. Did you see that? Anyway, we should make those and release them at the Democrat National Convention. That would be fun." Bush stared at the screen for a second. "I guess that's all I wrote. Any questions?"

"Are you going to drill in ANWR?" a reporter asked.

"Why wouldn't we? Who would stop us? Moose? Eskimos? We can handle them. I'm thinking we'll also drill in Canada. I hear they have oil there and they don't have any use for it because they're not technologically advanced enough."

"Will we be drilling in Iraq?"

Bush looked confused. "There's oil there?"

"What about research into alternative fuels," another reporter asked.

"I have a clock that runs on a potato," Bush said. "It's pretty neat."

"I mean how about paying others to do research into alternative fuel?"

"Oh. Well, we're doing that. The drill we're using in Yellowstone runs on ethanol. With research like that, we'll be able to continue to drill for oil even if we run out of oil."

"What about alternative fuels for cars?"

"It's has always been the position of my administration that that is gay." He checked his watch. "I'm getting tired of this. Is my presidency over yet?"

Rating: 2.4/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (12) | In My World
Operation Helpful Idiot Results - Part 7
Posted by Harvey at 07:05 AM | Email This

Some Operation Helpful Idiot suggestions for your reading pleasure. Actual authors may claim credit in the comments if they choose.

You may safely assume that all typos were intentional.



Thank Gaia (PBUH) that someone is finally cairing about the children and fixing the climate. After 8 years of the so-called Bush so-called administration WE have to fix the environment and get things back to the right temperature.

I have a great idae for fixing the environment that I cant believe WE arent doing already. Amerikkkans currently drink like 25% of their fluids as carbonated beverages. Since these beverages contain carbon, we should take all of the carbon out of the coal plants and then put them into Coke and Pepsi cans. Then, we give people tax credits the more soda they drink. This would give us a good environment plus it would create millions of green jobs in the soda creation industries. WE should get this made law TOOT-SWEET (heh heh, get it?) before Chimpy McHitlerburton manages to kill the last Polar Bear for oil.

Vote Kucinich!!!

Yours,

Percy Dovetonsils



I think we should all start up our cars, turn the airconditioning all the way frosty and then just let them run. It might even be better to roll the windows down cruze around town and yell complements at pretty girls in tight shorts. How cool is that?! I know just one person doing this will not make much difference but what if hundreds of us did?! Pretty soon we would have polar bears in LA. How cool is that.


My Idea to Help Use Less Energy

I noticed that on summer afternoons, my house gets really hot. I try not to turn on the air conditioner, but my husband complains that then it gets too hot to sleep upstairs where the bedrooms are. I noticed that if I keep the blinds down during the day, the rooms stay cooler, but the walls without windows work way better at keeping heat out. So, I got some plywood and put it up over the windows that face the south, west, and east. I painted cute garden and forest murals on them, and it looks like you're always looking out on a beautiful nature scene - but, your house stays much cooler in the summer! I think it will work for winter, too. I'll just add an additional set of plywood murals to the windows that face north (to keep out the cold winds). Viola, beauty, energy efficiency and crafting all in one!

Love,

Lauren



Dear We:
First, let me say how hapy I am that you're out their to protect the envirament.

To add my two cents, I'd like to suggest that we work with President Obama to make enviramental education manditory in highschool, including global warming and what man has done to Mother Earth. School teachers should be telling highschool students how bad man is for the earth. Since the goverment funds schools, this wouldn't be hard to do, I think. If only more people understood man's negative impact on the envirament, I think we'd try harder to fix ourselves, or to let the goverment help us fix ourselves.

Anyway, that's my thought. What do U think?
All the best, and GO OBAMA!!!



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Think you can do better? Then do so.

Submit your Helpful Idiot suggestion for stopping evil climate change to the WEtard contact page, then send a copy to me at WEsistance@gmail.com for possible future publication at IMAO (if it doesn't suck too terribly bad).

Rating: 2.3/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (4) | WEsistance Is Facile
July 14, 2008
I'll Believe America is a Racist Nation...
Posted by Harvey at 08:19 PM | Email This

... when a prominent media personality refers to Obama's daughters as "Sambos".

Until then, I consider all charges of "racism" to be just so much effete political posturing.

Also, for the record, Obama isn't an "Oreo", he's a "watermelon".

Rating: 3.0/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (16) | Barackalypse Now
Barack Obama: Embarrassment on Parade
Posted by Harvey at 12:05 PM | Email This

Recently Barack Obama said that American kids should learn a foreign language, and - typical liberal hypocrite that he is - followed up by saying that he's "embarrassed" that he doesn't know one himself.

Ain't that just like a Democrat, insisting that the "little people" live up to expectations that don't apply to them?

Which makes me wonder what else Mr. O is embarrassed about. I speculate thusly:



Sometimes at night, he dreams of tapping that booty, and wakes up with sticky sheets.

* Although pro-choice, he chose not to abort his daughters.

* His Secret Service cadre carries guns, but not strictly for hunting.

* Had he starred in Blazing Saddles, Madeleine Kahn's line would've been "Oh... it's NOT twue."

* Grateful for the work of Civil Rights pioneers, but has never ridden on any bus, front or back.

* Knows what arugula is.

* Still harbors doubts that Neo is actually "The One".

* Black, yeah, but sadly, no slave blood.

* Never managed to stay awake through an entire Reverend Wright sermon. That guy is pure pulpit Sominex!

* Wants to pull out of Iraq, but can't pull out of a parking lot without taking someone's bumper with him.

* Once failed to stop a thief who later killed his Uncle Ben.

* Despite his penchant for wearing black, has never once shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.



So what do YOU know about Obama's darkest secrets?

Wait... was that racist?

Rating: 2.3/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (16) | Barackalypse Now
Thoughts on Where Politics Is Today
Posted by Frank J. at 11:05 AM | Email This

So, are any of you secretly rooting for Obama? The way I see it, if McCain wins, conservative are going to be spending at least the next four years having to defend him when we don't even really care for him (and he hates us), and we'll be no closer to getting more conservatives in office than we are now. With Obama, at least we'll have a fight on our hands, and I miss a good fight.

Also, it's real hard to do an argument for Republicans these days other than the tiresome "sucks less" one. Also, with all the years of Democrat whining, you kinda just want to go, "Fine! Here's the presidency, you annoying little bitches! Let's see you try and do something!" You can't really completely screw up this country in four years, anyway.

Now, just because we have some nitwit Democrats in office doesn't mean some good conservative candidates will emerge, but it does guarantee we get to go on the offensive again. I don't even think blogs existed last time a Democrat with a president; it will be a whole new blogosphere! We can be like Daily Kos -- i.e., a bunch of rats stuffed in a cage who savagely bite each other each time the cage gets disturbed. Well, maybe not Kos crazy -- even with Nuke the Moon and irrational monkey fear we're about a hundred times more acceptable to the general voting public -- but we could stand to be a little crazier. Remember when we used to think Bill Clinton had a bunch of people killed?

Just some thoughts to put out there. Sitting on the sidelines this election with nothing to cheer about is getting a bit tiresome. Maybe we could start a new party: Republicans Classic. And no more of this open tent crap; I want a nice closed tent. Not just anyone should be able to register as a Republican Classic; you have to prove your worth. In fact, I want this closed tent to also be hidden, so you have to know the right people, and if they trust you, then they'll tell you where the tent is. And when you get the tent, there are like guards in front of it who will knock you to the ground and kick you shouting, "What are you doing at this tent? Explain yourself!"

Now that's a party tough enough for America.

Rating: 1.6/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (36)
R.I.P. Tony Snow
Posted by Frank J. at 09:05 AM | Email This

I don't think this country has ever had a better White House Press Secretary.

We had fun with him in the In My Worlds, and we'll certainly miss him. Rest in peace.

Rating: 1.5/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (2)
July 13, 2008
Hmm
Posted by Frank J. at 03:49 PM | Email This

Was Wednesday my blogiversary? How did I miss that one? Anyway, that's six years for us. I've reached the point where I can start sucking and still be an institution.

Or did I reach that point last year?

Rating: 1.7/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (14)
Operation Helpful Idiot Results - Part 6
Posted by Harvey at 01:17 PM | Email This

Some Operation Helpful Idiot suggestions for your reading pleasure. Actual authors may claim credit in the comments if they choose.

You may safely assume that all typos were intentional.



Hola,

Gracias for taking the leadership on halting the global warming crisis.
But WE (nombre cool!) can do more and ther are lots of grande ideas we can do togeatehr.
I think we should demand congress make people use less forest products like toilet paper because trees remove the greenhouse gas emission carbon dioxide (CO2).

By using water to clean orselves instead of toileet paper we can save trees and dilute the pollution in our waterways because dilution is the solution to much harmful chemicals used by greedy corporate agribusiness.

This is very easy to do. I do it all the time in the fields with water for irrigation.
If I can do it so can others.
Feel free to use my idea to make people change.

Tener Cuidado,

Duo Che Chorrear
"Larga vida a Obama"



What a wonderful site - you have given me lots of information to share with my friends as we commune with nature up here in the mountains.

I really wanted to share something that I think might help. Since our problems are all about how the stuff we get is messing up the planet - why not have some kind of place where people can donate stuff so that it can be buried or something and that will keep the carbon that would normally be used when stuff is like ordered and carried and bought and used would then be able to be held down.

Stuff It for the Planet!

Love and peace.
Your Friend
Sunshine



WE is great! WE was waiting for you! it's about time someone did something...

I saw an artical on the internet which shows such promise but it's from the UK so I wanted to make sure someone here in america knew about it, you can find it here:

link

If every cow had one of these, it would reduce GW and we would have so much methane we can use it to power our cars and reduce our depenency on foriegn oil and save even more GW!

I hate using GW because it reminds me of the initials of a certain "president" - ooh he burns me up!

Keep up the great WErk!!!! ;-)

"moonpie"



I think we need a new national movement to ban soda pop and beer. The CO2 in beer and soda pop is what create the the fizz or foam. Why do we need fizz and foam? The world is in far to great of jeopardy to allow for any extra co2 to be emitted. I have to drive my car to work its to far to walk and there is no mass transit to take. So to reduce my CO2 I have stopped drinking soda pop and beer.

I know everyone can do their part.


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Submit your Helpful Idiot suggestion for stopping evil climate change to the WEtard contact page, then send a copy to me at WEsistance@gmail.com for possible future publication at IMAO (if it doesn't suck too terribly bad).

Rating: 1.7/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (2) | WEsistance Is Facile
If Obama Had A NASCAR
Posted by Harvey at 11:29 AM | Email This

As the Puppy Blender would say, "Heh."

Rating: 2.7/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (7) | Barackalypse Now
July 12, 2008
Oh Crap
Posted by Harvey at 08:29 PM | Email This

The religion of Global Warming is now officially beyond parody.

Guess it's the old humor blogger's retirement home for me, now.

[Hat tip: George]

Rating: 1.6/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (22)
Operation Helpful Idiot Results - Part 5
Posted by Harvey at 06:02 PM | Email This

NOTE: I'm posting these in the order they arrived in my inbox. I'm somewhere around July 7th right now. I have to say that so far I've been consistently delighted with the entries.

Some Operation Helpful Idiot suggestions for your reading pleasure. Actual authors may claim credit in the comments if they choose.

You may safely assume that all typos were intentional.



Since the Democratic National Convention is bringing a huge amount of carbon into the Denver area, and Denver already has huge amounts of pollution anyway from being in a valley, It would be fantastic if the Democratic National Committee would build giant solar-powered turbines to put on top of some of the taller buildings downtown. These turbines would suck polluted air through a filter that would take all the pollution particles out of the air and leave clean fresh air. It would be a really nice way for us to give a lasting gift to the city of Denver for hosting the convention.

--Ami Horowitz



The trees are being cut down and we are all running out of oxygen! We need more oxygen to live. Gakkk Gakkkk. I can feel my brain running low on oxygen. Please give more attention to the trees before we all lose our ability to think clearly.
-Raiinbo Rice


Dear WE,

I am so excited to hear about your organization and me and my freinds will all join you to STOP GLOBAL WARMING NOW!

Is there a place for suggestions for the WE effort? I am always coming up with ideas for ways that WE can reduce global gas emmisions, among other things. For instance, I heard that GM had an electric car back in the 90s and they were all mysteriously recalled and no one knows why, but it is rumored that the big oil companies paid off GM because of how much that would hurt the oil industry. Why doesn't anyone form an investigative committee to find out what really happened concerning these charges? Electric cars would go a long way towards reducing our dependence on big oil and would reduce our carbon footprint immediately.

I have lots of other ideas and would love to share them with you if you think that would be helpful. Please let me know who to contact.

Your supporter in the WEvolution!

Barry Love



Wow, my frined told me about you guys, and you are just so awesome!
I have so many ideas to help with climate change, but I'm not a scientist, so I don't know if they would work or anything.
But something totally has to be done because the earth is going to melt. And that would really suck.
OK, fiist I was watching An Inconvenent Truth the other day for like the 11th time. It's so hard to understand all the science! LOL I did go to college for teaching, but it was too hard. ( i'm sad about that because I really wanted to inspear some little kids). I was thinking that in the 70's when all the carbon stuff starting filling our air was the time that we started using micrawave ovens. We shoudl totally stop that.
My mom says discos started in the 70's (shes a republican so I don't know if its the truth or not) and i think that maybe there was some weird connection from all the dry ice ad polyester used in discos and the atmosfere. Or maybe the beat of the music unbalanced the earth. I hope we dont' have to elimnate disco, cuz I like it and my hairdresser is gay, but i would be willing to give it up if it saved the earth. I don't wear polyestere so that would be ok.
I think too that we should go faster to the immishons of the car speed into the atmospfere like the spaceshuttle. And we should get out of Irak...my boyfriend says it's only about oil anyway. That's ok though becuase my car uses gas not oil.
Thank you for listening and saving our planet. You totally Rock!!!
Peacefull Vally


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Think you can do better? Then do so.

Submit your Helpful Idiot suggestion for stopping evil climate change to the WEtard contact page, then send a copy to me at WEsistance@gmail.com for possible future publication at IMAO (if it doesn't suck too terribly bad).

Rating: 2.6/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (7) | WEsistance Is Facile
July 11, 2008
Important Question
Posted by Frank J. at 09:17 AM | Email This

If it weren't for microphones accidentally being left on, would we have any way to know who Jesse Jackson is planning to cut the nuts off of? Is that something the CIA is keeping taps on, or are we all on our own here?

Rating: 2.8/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (20)
July 10, 2008
Dumb Doctors
Posted by Frank J. at 11:07 AM | Email This

So there's this Reuters article about how some doctors are all worried about the Heller decision. Basically the doctors say, "Guns go bang! Guns bad! Wagga wagga!" How stupid are the people they're letting be doctors these days? Did they get PhDs in getting their head stuck in a bucket? These people are so dumb we should make them wear pointy hats and oven mits and slap fight each other in an arena. Eventually they'll beg for a gun to end their miserable existences, but they can't have one.

And what a bang up job by Reuters. They just have a whole article of people who don't know what the hell they're talking about and they don't even think to ask for a contrary opinion. What I don't understand is it's these people's job to report the news -- it's what they get paid for -- and they don't even care. In a just world, people with a work ethic like that would be hobos.

Rating: 2.1/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (29)
Random Thought
Posted by Frank J. at 09:02 AM | Email This

I don't get bears. They're like these giant killing machines that can swipe your head off with a single blow, yet their diet consists mainly of berries and fish. That's like driving a battlemech to the grocery store.

Rating: 2.3/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (26)
Operation Helpful Idiot Results - Part 4
Posted by Harvey at 06:58 AM | Email This

Some Operation Helpful Idiot suggestions for your reading pleasure. Actual authors may claim credit in the comments if they choose.

You may safely assume that all typos were intentional.



Thank yiu fir doing your best to help climate change. If WE all work togther im sure we can get this done.

Honestly, this is all Bush's fault for not letting Russia and Saudi Arbia have nukes. If they had nukes, it may be more dangers, but if there were less people, there would be less carbon pollution, which means that most of the world will be saved at the cost of a few. Also, a few nukes could raise up dust that covers the sky, blocking some of the sun's rays to offset this awful thing weve done.

Thank you, and see you soon!

Vote Obama!



Hello fellow greenie!

My suggestion is simple and something I already do.

I no longer place my recyclable materials outside for collection. Instead, I ride my bike the twenty-three miles (one way) to the collection facility to deliver them in person.

If everyone would do this, it would help in two ways:
1. It would get the smog producing co2 trucks off the road.
2. It would get people more exercise and a chance to enjoy mother nature.

Thank you so much for letting me be part of We. I'm so excited to be part of the solution!

Al Gore is my president!

Eltwom Patel
(Eight Letters, Three Words, One Meaning - Love)



Dear WE,
I would just like to say how proud I am of all that you have done to hlep stop the impedning global warming crisis. There are several things that you should be aware of tho. Every time a bottle or can of beer is opened, it releases naughty gasses that are ruining our childrens atmosphere. You should try to get congress to repeal or impeach the 21st ammendment, making prohibition active once again!!!1 As we all know, alcohol is also a huge contributer to violence and murder... almost as much as firearms! So banning alcohol and firearms will help the world's climate, and world peace. GO WE!!! I mean us.

Vote 4 Nader!
treelover81-89



Dear WE,

It's great that we have WE to help us coordinate all the initiatives that we need to solve this problem.

There is so much more that we can do if we just work together. Personally, I am involved in an awareness campaign called "Critical Mass". We ride bicycles in big groups right in the middle of the street. It slows down traffic and makes people drive slower (which
saves gas).

When we see a big SUV (like Tony Soprano drives) we get a few cyclists to surround the SUV and come to a complete stop. The SUV can't move. These 5 minute "time outs" are really getting the message across.

We should really make big SUV's illegal. If you need to fit a lot of stuff in your car, you should get a hybrid minivan. If you need to tow something, well, most of the stuff you tow is bad for the
environment (speedboats, snowmobiles).

Has WE looked into regulations that ban SUV's that get under 25mpg?

Thanks,

Cassidy
Rutgers, New Brunswick



Like those? Say so.

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Submit your Helpful Idiot suggestion for stopping evil climate change to the WEtard contact page, then send a copy to me at WEsistance@gmail.com for possible future publication at IMAO (if it doesn't suck too terribly bad).

Rating: 1.8/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (7) | WEsistance Is Facile
July 09, 2008
lolterizt! Part 54
Posted by Harvey at 09:11 PM | Email This

Looks like everybody's too busy pokin' fun at the WEtards to poke fun at the terrorists.

That's ok, I can get it this week.

Sorry it's a day late. My soul-sucking day job mistakenly believes that overtime pay is reasonable compensation for not leaving me any free time during which to patriotically mock America's enemies.

Bunch o' stinkin' commies.

Anyway, pass 'em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don't be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.



invisible midget.jpg

same size.jpg

flower beating.jpg

inverted morality.JPG

gonna get him.jpg

invisible midget.jpg

walking walking.jpg
[reference link for the young'uns]



PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won't end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

HAT TIP: Snapped Shot for handy links to ripe-for-captioning photos.

Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and - if they aren't obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don't suck too terribly bad - I'll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

Rating: 1.4/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (12) | lolterizt
It's Up to Us to Stop the Asteroids
Posted by Frank J. at 11:07 AM | Email This

My post last week about asteroids seemed to get a big reaction. That's very heartening, because I was beginning to think that only I cared about asteroids. They could kill us all tomorrow, but the MSM just doesn't seem to care.

They probably are in league with the asteroids! I was just thinking that too!

But who cares what side they're on. They're useless. Just like forest fires, stopping asteroids is up to us. And if you think this is a laughing matter, why don't you ask the dinosaurs about them?

You can't, because they're all dead!

That's right. The asteroids killed all the dinosaurs while sparing almost everything else. That's called genocide. I could almost understand asteroids if they just mindlessly killed everything, but they're something more evil about the thought that goes into genocide. The asteroids were like, "The dinosaurs think they rule the planet, but let's kill them all and show them who is powerful!" After their killing was done, they turned to the dragonflies, birds, and giant sloths and said, "If any of you gets uppity, we'll be back!"

So who do you think the asteroids are going to genocide this time? The squirrels? No, they're coming for humanity. They're jealous of our shiny building and Nintendo Wiis and they are going to kill us for it. The question becomes who is in league with the asteroids? Who benefits most from the destruction of humanity? The Irish? The teamsters? Hippies?

I think we know the answer: Monkeys. They also hate humanity, and thus are a natural ally of the asteroids. They believe that an asteroid must kill all humans so they can have their planet of the apes as prophesied by the monkey god Hanuman. They probably have some special monkey signal to direct the asteroids towards us and tell them when our defenses our down. It's probably a little monkey dance of some sort. You'll be like, "Oh! Look at the cute monkey!" and then BAM! You're dead. And then God won't let you into Heaven for watching an unclean animal dance.

It's the perfect plan, so we have to be even perfecter.

I asked the presidential candidates what their plans are for dealing with the asteroids. Here is how McCain responded:

"I've twice lived through a giant asteroids colliding with the earth, and it was no big deal. Frankly, I think all the asteroids and Mexicans that want to come to America should be allowed to come, and if any of you conservatives complain about it I'll have you locked up for violating campaign finance law!"

And here is what Obama said:

"This is an issue I've thought deeply about, as reflected by my strongly voting 'present' on the Defense Against Asteroids bill. We have to look at both sides and realize that through hope and change, we can come to the appropriate conclusion. What we shouldn't do is be cynical. That's why I--"

At that point, I grabbed him by his ears, shook and him, and yelled, "Just answer the question!" but he started crying.

Obviously, the government is useless. We have to handle the asteroids ourselves. We need to form an asteroid watch, where we all take turns watching the skies for asteroids. And it's not just the ones coming near us we have to worry about; there are also the ones that come near on a reconnaissance mission.

And then we have to strike back at them!

That's right. They'll just be sitting at home in the asteroid belt and then POW! They get hit by something and get a taste of their own medicine. So what's heavy we can launch at them? I'm thinking canned food. Everyone go door to door and tell people you're collecting can food to launch at asteroids. With enough time and effort, we can strike back at those asteroids. There won't be any safe haven for them. For too long we've left them alone to plot against us, but now we're going to force them out of our solar system.

Or they'll just get really angry and hit us all at once. But, hey, better to go down fighting.

Rating: 1.8/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (30)
July 08, 2008
Operation Helpful Idiot Results - Part 3
Posted by Harvey at 10:09 PM | Email This

Some Operation Helpful Idiot suggestions for your reading pleasure. Actual authors may claim credit in the comments if they choose.

You may safely assume that all typos were intentional.



Hellooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
It is so cool to finally see a site that takes our impending climate tradgedy seriously. If it's ok, I would like to make a suggestion about how we could stop the global warming. Take everyone's shoe size, and give them like 1,000 kw of energy for every square inch that their foot covers. That's all you get man. use it wisely. It would really bring home the idea of a carbon footprint t oeveryone. thanks for readin' and keep up the crazy, dudes and dudettes. I'm outta here.

Wendall Lugo (like Yugo)


Dear WE,

I LOVE it that everybody is finally figuring tht we HAVE to do somtehing to stop Big Oil in it's rape of Mother Earth. Thanks for actually DOING something.

Stick with me here bcz I have a great way to provide both clean energy and stop global warming. Carbon Dioxide is made up of a Carbon atom and 2 OXYGEN atoms. As we all know, Oxygen burns. So - if we simply passed a law that required all energy companies to seperate Carbon from the Oxygen in the AIR (it's right there - they don't even have to MINE it!) and then burn the Oxygen, we get both clean energy and less GW.

We can then use the Carbon atoms left over and make carbon nanotubes and we can then make steel OBSOLETE and that will ALSO clean up the earth.

I would be happy to share my idea with anybody or sign a petition or something to help you take ACTION on greenhouse gas.

Thx.

Get us OUT of IRAQ
www.teensforbarackobama.com
GaiasGreat Moonbeam



Name: Sequoia Fernbottom
Subject: We Can!

Message:
Love this site! It really is just as simple as belief and motion forward.

I'd love to add a suggestion, maybe something that can get people off their cans, so to speak, to see that they "can", too! Flatulence is such an important contributor to what we're all inflicting the Earth Mother with, as we all know. She's given us such a perfect mechanism for handling CO2, in plants and oceans - think of it, she's given us the way to clean up our mess. She's forgiven us our sins, as we forgive, well, sorry to digress into a patriarchal religious taunt.

Anyway, I think if we all committed to using our office- and house- plants, and lakes and rivers and oceans as "cans" (you know, the kind you crap in), we put our detritous as close as possible to the Earth Mother's cleansing mechanism, so that it spends less time exposed to the air to pollute it with CO2, and we CAN solve the problem! We CAN! Perfect. Brilliant.

Wiping out the climate crisis, one leaf at a time,
Sequoia


Hi foks - really excited about your website and group. I do have a suggestion for you to consider as you lobby congress. Can we expand Planned Parenthood's phenomenal US success overseas - especially to places like Africa and the Middle East? It seems that our fundamental problem is overpopulation - to many people with scarce resources. If we can make abortion available everywhere there will be far fewer babies competing for the teat of our blessed Mother Gaia (literally and figuratively!). Maybe we can look into imposing forced birth control/abortions on these people since they obviously are too poor and stupid to control their animal like breeding. It's not like they are contributing anything important to the world. Anyhoo - keep up the good work and after next year we should have our new lightworker president who will bring us change and hopitude. Obey Obama!! Peace!

E. C. Thelion
Of the Fountain
Gondolin, ME 1Age



Like those? Say so.

Think you can do better? Then do so.

Submit your Helpful Idiot suggestion for stopping evil climate change to the WEtard contact page, then send a copy to me at WEsistance@gmail.com for possible future publication at IMAO (if it doesn't suck too terribly bad).

Rating: 3.0/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (13) | WEsistance Is Facile
Racist Toddlers
Posted by Frank J. at 11:04 AM | Email This

The UK is on alert for racist toddlers. And not just the obvious racism like when a toddler sets fire to a cross on someone's lawn, but the more hidden racism like when a toddler says "Yuk!" about foreign foods (my wife never lets me get away with such racism towards the food she makes and will throttle me greatly for any incidents). The question, of course, is how did England become filled with such racist toddlers?

I'm guessing it's the crumpets. I know what you're saying: "Of course! Crumpets! That's explains everything!" But not so fast. It's not just the crumpets. There is also the tea. My theory is that when you mix tea with crumpets, you create a erudite Archie Bunker. And children are getting access to tea and crumpets at increasingly earlier ages, hence the racist toddlers. This is an extreme detriment to England as it makes them hate their fellow man instead of their real enemy who aren't even human: The Irish.

I agree with the National Children's Bureau that it's time to crack down on these snot-nosed racists. If you see a toddler say "Yuk!" about a food, you grab him by his shirt collar and shout, "Shut up, you little racist! I will murder you and mail your body parts back to your mother!" And be alert for other forms of racism, such as a toddler liking Elmo but not Grover saying, "Blue muppets smell." You slap that little punk and tell him, "The only difference between red and blue muppets is the color they use to dye the felt! They're all the same inside! And they all smell; that's because of the glue they use in them."

We have to stop racism one frightened child at a time.

Rating: 1.8/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (17)
Posted by Frank J. at 09:03 AM | Email This

Rating: 2.6/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (24)
July 07, 2008
A Story, Bit by Bit
Hellbender: Chapter 34 - Disguise
Posted by Frank J. at 05:05 PM | Email This

PREVIOUS

"Nice kitty."

Bryce kept his distance. "I don't think it's a kitty, Tri-Lu."

The creature cocked its head sideways to get a better look at the three of them. "I don't know what he is." Lulu slowly reached towards it. "But I have to call him something, so I'm calling him a kitty."

Charlene pulled Lulu back. "Let's not feed the kitty."

Lulu wasn't sure if it was a genetically engineered giant lizard or a resurrected dinosaur, but it stood more than fifteen feet tall and had wings for arms. Mounted on its back were some guns and what looked like a rocket launcher. It was unrestrained and seemed unconcerned with all the people moving about the base. "I don't think it will eat us," Lulu said. "It's probably only allowed to eat a special diet of tofu and fresh baby badgers."

Charlene stared at the creature with a mixture of concern and disgust. "So it will rip us apart with its teeth but not digest us is what you're saying?"

"I doubt he even has teeth. I'm going to name him Mr. Muffin." Lulu reached for the lizard again, and the Mr. Muffin opened it mouth revealing inch long blades. Lulu yanked back her hand. "Okay, I guess he does have teeth. Bad Mr. Muffin! You scared me!"

Bryce tried to get a better look of the equipment on Mr. Muffin's back. "So are people supposed to ride it?"

"It's idiotic," Charlene exclaimed, and then backed a few steps away. "There's no advantage to this over a jet fighter."

"It's called style, Char." Lulu pirouetted. "Everyone else can go around in their boring fighter planes and stupid uniforms while Serpine's people fly around on giant lizard looking like golden knights." Lulu loved the uniforms they stole at Stan's direction. They had normal material underneath, but on top had golden metal plates making it look like they were wearing armor. Plus, her breastplate was molded for her feminine physique. "And isn't it nice to have a uniform that's functional while still emphasizing one's femininity?"

"Mine isn't emphasizing my femininity." Bryce looked down at his flat breastplate. "Wish I had metal boobs."

"So what are you planning on putting in there?" Lulu knocked on Charlene's chest piece.

She smacked Lulu roughly on the back of the head. "Don't touch me."

"Ow! You be nice or I'll shoot you with my laser gun!" The rifles they got were shiny, smooth, golden things that looked more fancy than the regular cartridge firing rifles they were underneath. Lulu aimed her gun up at an imaginary target. "Pew! Pew!" Lulu noticed the confused looks on her compatriots. "That's the sound a laser gun makes. You guys should study science more."

"These guns are idiotic," Charlene said. "These uniforms are idiotic. The giant lizard weapon is idiotic. Serpine's whole military is idiotic. She is a nut."

"She could be worse." Bryce looked up at the blackness blocking the sky above them that was Loch's chariot.

There were creatures flying around the craft, and they didn't seem as nice as Lulu's new kitty friend. "Yeah, glad he's on the side we're pretending to be on."

"Where are your helmets?"

Lulu turned around to see a six-foot tall woman looking at them scornfully. Her metal uniform covered the important bits and pretty much nothing else. "Um... I guess they're still back in the truck that we stole the uniforms from."

"Get ready for the assault or I'll rip your little head off!" The woman stormed off.

Charlene looked quite stunned. "Did we just get ordered around by a woman in a metal bikini?"

Bryce nodded. "That was awesome."

"She must be one of the Hollow," Lulu said. "When your whole body isn't real, you don't have to worry about practicality in your outfits. Must be pretty cool." She turned back to the lizard. "You should have bit the mean woman and defended your mommy, Mr. Muffin!"

Charlene smacked Lulu on the head again. "You aren't the rocket launching lizard's mommy. Can we get to this?" She walked off towards a nearby building and Bryce and Lulu followed.

Lulu rubbed the back of her head. "Maybe I should have gotten the helmet."

"There were stupid looking," Bryce said.

"They'd be neat if they had horns like a Viking helmet."

"Will you two shut up?" Charlene approached the door to one of the hangars and looked around briefly to make sure no one was watching them. "After we do this, let's not ever see each other ever again."

They entered and inside there were a number of unattended transport vehicles. "These look normal," Bryce said. "Shouldn't they be pulled by pegasi or something?"

"You'd think." Charlene opened the door of one and checked inside. "Serpine's military is just too idiotic to live. I really hope everyone here gets killed in the attack."

Bryce checked out the driver seat. "I hope everyone on both sides gets killed."

"Except for us," Lulu said. "And Doug."

"Of course not us or Doug," Bryce answered. "I like living, and this is all kinda pointless if Doug gets killed."

"Nothing is pointless if you learn something," Lulu corrected him.

"So what have you been learning?"

Lulu turned around to see six soldiers entering the hangar. "Hey, guys. We were just checking out the..." She noticed they were all women and had some smug little smiles on their faces. "Oh crap. Not you guys again."

"Hello, Hellbender," one of the Amazons said, she having remembered the helmet with her disguise. "Ends up Elza has use for you. You should be honored."

"And we totally are," Lulu replied. "It's just were on a tight schedule right now, so as much as we'd like to help you guys, why don't we-- KILL THEM!" Lulu fired her rifle at the six, but nothing happened. They stood watching in amusement as each trigger pull caused nothing more to happen than a little clicking noise. Lulu saw that Bryce was now beside her, having no more luck with his rifle. Lulu stopped pulling the trigger and took careful aim at one the Amazons. "Pew! Pew!"

Lulu looked behind her to see that Charlene hadn't even raised her weapon. Instead she stared at Lulu and Bryce with a grave expression. "Um... Char," Bryce said to her, "we're having a little weapon trouble. You want to help us out?"

"I... I disarmed them." Charlene moved away from them.

Lulu looked again to the smiles of their enemies and back to Charlene. "What's going on?"

Charlene slowly walked over to stand with the Amazons. "I'm sorry, guys, but things have gotten bigger than the four of us."

NEXT

Rating: 2.6/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (7) | Hellbender Take Two
You Should Vote for Me
An Editorial by Senator Barack Obama
Posted by Frank J. at 12:05 PM | Email This

 I'm Barack Obama! I'm running for president. You should vote for me. I'm a new politician. Remember when M&Ms came out with blue M&Ms and you ran to the store yelling, "Yay! A brand new candy!"? Well, I'm just like that. I'm a brand new politician. I promise hope and change. No politician has ever promised that before. Also, my opponent is not new. I think pretty much everyone agrees he is a very old politician. Also, he might get angry and hit you. I heard that somewhere.

 But know what makes me newest and bestest? This is a secret, so you can't tell anyone. Do you promise you'll keep this just between you and me? You promise? Okay, here it is...

Read More...


Rating: 2.6/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (17) | Editorials
The Weekend
Posted by Frank J. at 09:45 AM | Email This

Hey, ronin. Sorry I didn't have a special Independence Day post, but I was all relaxing this weekend. On the 4th, SarahK and I went whitewater rafting (a very American activity) during which we saw a bald eagle fly over head. I think that's about as an American weekend as you can have without shooting terrorists. So what were you all up to?

BTW, new Hellbender will post late this afternoon. I'd like to get those out more often, but they're getting tougher to write. Thanks for the patience of those reading them.

Rating: 1.9/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (15)
Operation Helpful Idiot Results - Part 2
Posted by Harvey at 05:43 AM | Email This

More Operation Helpful Idiot suggestions for your reading pleasure. Actual authors may claim credit in the comments if they choose.

You may safely assume that all typos were intentional.



Dear WE,
Ever since my girlfriend took me to see "An Inconvienient Truth" there has been no issue so important to me as global Warming. I’m so glad there is a place where like minded individuals can get to gether for change. My hope is that we cn make a difference to help stop the effects of Global Warming.

There is a lot WE should be doing, and our government run by Bushitler and his cronies like Dirk Kempthorne and Robert Gates aren’t doing enough. We’ve desimated two countries for oil. Now we are sucking up all of the earth’s resources to keep Bush’s war machine rolling. And what of the people in these countries we invade? They resort to terroisim and opium growing as their only means of providing for their families.

If we are going to spend over 150 billion this year on war, and have our shock troops invading every country they find a can of oil in, can’t we get them to at least try to minimlize their carbon foot print? (I don’t know how much fuel a Battle tank uses, but it’s got to be a lot.) If the Millitary could convert all their vehicles from Unleaded gas to ethanol that would atleast help. Also maybe we could start ethanol programs in these countries to help their economy. Growing corn is better than making Heroin. I read somewhere that Iraq used to be a very fertile area. But I read that in the bible, and if I believed everything in that book I wouldn’t be voting for a black man come this November.

If you guys are putting up suggestions please keep mine in mind. I love thinking new way to be green.

WE care about CLEAN AIR
Jamie "windsong" Dayspring



WE:

I wanted to encourage you keep fighting the good fight! If you can bring Al Sharpton and Pat Robertson together to combat the lies comng from the Conservative Noise Machine, then together WE can all bring globull warming to its knees!

In that vein, I have a possible suggestion to help us all fight the good fight...

Everyone in my circle of friends knows that co2 is caused by humans expelling their breath into the atmosphere. Well, what would happen if we coordinated with, like, TicTacs to invent a breath scrubber mint that can reduce the level of co2 emited by peeple by 60%?! There are 6 billion people on the planet, and if each person ate 10 TicTac scrubbing mints, that'd be 60 billion TicTacs per year. We could share the profits with TicTac and have lots more money at our disposal to evangelize about climate changings. My mom said it's a great idea, so I thought I'd share it with you.

Thanks for listening, and together WE can kill co2 furever!

Ron Paul '08!!!,
Apolo Creide



I am so happy about the WE porject! Our Earth is dying.

I think that our govurment should do something to cut c02 omissions by at least 80 percent.

They should force people to ride bicicles and use mass transit. Business should not be able to polute at all. They could put people in jail for not recycling or driving a car or pulluting. then the people we put in jail could be forced to pedal bicicles that genurate electricity.

Keep on keeping on

Aires Lovetree

Kucinich for president!



Like those? Say so.

Think you can do better? Then do so.

Submit your Helpful Idiot suggestion for stopping evil climate change to the WEtard contact page, then send a copy to me at WEsistance@gmail.com for possible future publication at IMAO (if it doesn't suck too terribly bad).

Rating: 3.2/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (14) | WEsistance Is Facile
July 03, 2008
Linking Is Easier than Blogging
Posted by Frank J. at 08:52 PM | Email This

SarahK guest posted at Right Wing News last night about Obama and the NRA, so go read it. Then come back here and tell me if it's any good so I'll know whether I should bother reading it.

Rating: 2.4/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (15)
Lost Their Freakin' Minds, They Did
Posted by Harvey at 11:00 AM | Email This

Well, the Lefties must be snorting big fat lines of pure, crystal, uncut stupid these days, because the dang fools are off their rickety little rockers.

They're attacking McCain's military service record, on the theory that this will somehow make their never-been-anything-but-a-civilian (and not a very good one, at that) candidate Barack Obama more electable.

McCain...

vs...

Obama...

... on the issue of prior military service...

I guess we know who's gonna get a chair smashed over his head in THAT cage match.

Seriously, this is just INSANE. It's like Shaq getting challenged by Tom Cruise to some one-on-one hoops.

It's like... it's like...



Tastes like FAIL

* Michaelangelo vs. Ted Rall

* Kirsten Dunst vs. Nancy Pelosi

* Godzilla vs. Bambi

* Pistol vs. scimitar

* iPod vs. Victrola

* Nukes vs. Japs

* Gravity vs. supermodel

* The previous example vs. tact

* Corvette vs. Yugo

* Bugs vs. Elmer

* Fred Thompson vs.... well, anybody.

* Moby vs. Ahab

* Kirk vs. Picard (you KNOW it's true)

* Internet porn vs. everything else you CLAIM to be using the internet for.



Anyone else got a comparison?

Rating: 3.1/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (61) | Barackalypse Now
It's Up to Me to Save the World
Posted by Frank J. at 10:02 AM | Email This

A lot of people take politics really seriously. They're like, "If Obama gets elected or McCain gets elected and lets all the illegal immigrants in America, the world is going to end!" That's stupid. The way the world is going to end is if it gets hit by an asteroid. With everyone worrying about the stupid election, I don't think anyone is paying attention to the asteroids. One could hit us tomorrow and that's like it. We're all dead. Are the candidates talking about asteroids? No. They're talking about the economy and gas prices. Well, that's not going to help us. Doesn't matter if we have a lot of money; you can't bribe an asteroid. And I don't know what you'll do with gas to try and stop the asteroid except maybe coat it in it and set it on fire -- which will just get you a big flaming asteroid which is even worse.

Right now, the asteroids are hiding out between Jupiter and Mars plotting and planning and making their physics calculations on exactly how to launch themselves to hit us. If we want to stop them, we need a plan. Hundreds of years ago, the asteroids killed the dinosaurs. Know why? They didn't have a plan. We're going to be different.

And the plan is not going to be, "Let's just shoot the asteroid and blow it up." This isn't some videogame; you can't stop rock by shooting it. It's not a gorilla. And if you did play the videogame, you'll know that even if you succeed, you'll just turn the asteroid into multiple smaller asteroids which are just as deadly. We need a smart plan to stop the asteroids.

I got one. Here's what we'll do: We'll paint Mars blue. The asteroids will see Mars, think it's us, and hit it instead. It's simple and it will work. So you're asking, "Why not paint Venus? It's the same size and should make a more convincing Earth." That's idiotic. For one thing, it's super-hot there, so how the hell do you plan on painting it? Also, it's further away from the asteroid belt than us, so the asteroids will see the real Earth before seeing the decoy Earth. Painting Venus is a truly idiotic plan. You're disgustingly stupid for even suggesting it. This is why I sometimes think of just giving up blogging because I just can't deal with people as stupid as you are.

So anyway, we're painting Mars blue. And before you think, "Won't that be like a million trip to the paint-mixer at Lowe's?" realize that it doesn't all have to be like the perfectly same shade of blue. We can take all the blues they have ready on the shelf and maybe even some greens. Asteroids don't have great eyesight; Mars just has to look bluish. The next thing you may be wondering is, "Since Mars is red, won't painting it blue just make it purple?"

Oh crap. You're right. I'm so stupid! Why didn't I think of that? What do you mix red with to get blue? I don't think you can mix anything to red to get blue. Crap. I guess we could prime it first, but that would take way too long. And you have to wait a couple hours after priming it for it to dry. The asteroids will get us by then. That's not going to work.

Great. Now we're all going to die from asteroids hitting us because I can't come up with a plan. And it's up to me to come up with a plan. I'm the only one paying attention to this. Just look at Instapundit; he's talking about the economy and Obama -- things that are completely worthless when you get hit by an asteroid. And when did his URL change? Doesn't matter. We're dead. An asteroid is going to come and--

Oh! I have an idea! We'll need to make some giant rockets near the equator. Maybe in Ecuador, because I think that's near the equator because it's name kinda sound like equator. Anyway, we don't have time to check that; get over to Equador and start building rockets which will have their exhaust pointing straight up into the sky. People in Ecuador probably don't understand about things like asteroids, so if they ask you what you're doing, just say, "Not building giant rockets, so shut up and stop bothering me." You might have to say it in Spanish, because I think it's what they speak there. Again, we don't have time to check.

Anyway, when we see an asteroid is about to hit us, we wait until Earth rotates so that the rockets are in the proper position and then we fire them up, propelling Earth even faster around its path around the sun moving it out of the way of the asteroid. I guess we'd have to know about the asteroid a day in advance to make sure we have time for the rockets to get in position. We could reduce that time by having rockets on the opposite side of the Earth too. I'm not sure where that would be. Maybe Mongolia. Again, we don't have time to check. Just get over there and start building rockets. Watch out for Mongols.

While this should work, know that when we have to use it, we're going to lose some days that year by having moved Earth further around its revolution. I'm not sure how that will affect the economy or TV schedules if we lose some days out of the year. Around the end of the year, we'll be like, "Shouldn't we have a few more days left this year?" But no, the year will already be over.

So, there will be problems, but we won't be hit with asteroids... unless one comes at us to trick us into firing our rockets launching us into the path of another. Do asteroids plan together like that? If they do, I'm not sure what we can do. Crap. I guess this is why people ignore asteroids: It's just too much to deal with. You'll go crazy.

Rating: 1.4/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (51)
July 02, 2008
Operation Helpful Idiot Results - Part 1
Posted by Harvey at 04:06 PM | Email This

Some Operation Helpful Idiot suggestions for your reading pleasure. Actual authors may claim credit in the comments if they choose.

You may safely assume that all typos were intentional.



Dear WE,

This is such an awesome group. Every time I see a new organic product at my whole food store or a baby wearing an eco-friendly onesie, I know that WE are making a difference.

Here's something I've been thinking about that I think WE can do. What if the government past a law that required people to start using solar power on there houses. All that solar engery being absorbed would decrease the solar engery that is causeing the global warmning!

WE CAN DO IT!

Amber Saves



Hewo,
My name is slim shady, erm Matt, and I think WEsistance can do more for the world around us. The first problem is that we all fart. That is destorying the world and it needs to be illegal. I also we need to stop cWEmating people because that is bad nEWs for us and I have asthma and can't breath in the air. BTW news has WE spelled Backwads, isn't that cool? Go Al Gore president 2000 !!! NOT...ouch soft spot.


Someone should start a campaign to make Polar Bears vital to the US economy. When Big O takes charge, He can find a way to turn PB urine and/or feces into a renewable fuel. Instead of sucking the lifeblood out of our mother, we would be *SAVING* two birds with one stone. Image an horizon void of oil derricks, with free range polar bear roaming the country-side. How can you get an idea like this rolling?

Vote Out Bu$Hitler McChimpy - Osama for PKresident!!!!
piece, out.
pieceweaver



1) WE should demand Congress institute a, say, $0.10/stamp tax on all first-class letters, and a per-pound tax on all packages. This will discourage people from mailing things, thus preserving forests (less paper) and requiring fewer post-office deliveries.

2) WE should demand Congress mandate that all box-office movies be available on pay-per-view within a month of their theater release. This will encourage people to stay home and watch movies instead of going to the theater. If this is not feasible, then make it optional, and tax companies that don't do this and give breaks to companies that do.

3) Passenger airlines should be given landing priority over private jets. WE could have a sort of HOV-lane for airplanes! Corporate types who typically charter private planes because they're in a hurry would then have an incentive to fly commercial or risk being stuck in the air for a while.

4) I want to have a day where people walk to work/the store/school/wherever as much as possible. If we get a good coordinated effort, we could get a lot of press on the local news. If we do this at the high point of summer, it would really show the simultaneous problems of global warming and of running out of fuel before alternatives are found.



Like those? Say so.

Think you can do better? Then do so.

Submit your Helpful Idiot suggestion for stopping evil climate change to the WEtard contact page, then send a copy to me at WEsistance@gmail.com for possible future publication at IMAO (if it doesn't suck too terribly bad).

Rating: 2.3/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (4) | WEsistance Is Facile
Saving a Drowning Bear: A New Breed of Badassery
Posted by Frank J. at 12:11 PM | Email This

Though killing a bear with your bare hands is pretty cool, I guess rescuing a drowning bear is even more badass somehow. I don't know how you'd top that story if someone told it to you at a bar.

"I once saved a drowning bear. It tried to rip my head off the entire time, but I didn't care."

"Bah. I once wrestled a crazed rhinoceros to the ground, gave it an eye test, and got it prescription eye wear."

"Like that's hard. I taught a king cobra the true meaning of Christmas."

"Sissies. I once helped a great white shark go through rehab. It was rough for a while, but he hasn't touched drugs in three years."

"That's nothing. I taught a rabid wolverine to release its anger through knitting and Irish step dance."

"I guess that's impressive... for a little girl... who's a flaming homo. I dragged a crocodile right out of the jungle, and it was kicking and biting at me the whole time. I then sat him down and made him reassess his life. With a little help from me, he went and got his GED and then job at the bank. He now owns a house in Minnesota. Just got a postcard from him the other day; he's on a European cruise with his family. Now get me another beer, bitch!"

Rating: 4.0/5 (1 vote cast)

Comments (26)
Barack Obama - SuperPatriot
Posted by Harvey at 11:00 AM | Email This

Barack Obama is going on the offensive against a scurrilous whisper-campaign engineered by the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy and their willing accomplices in the Murdoch/Limbaugh-controlled Conservative Media. There's no need to question Obama's patriotism. Proof of his devotion to America lies below:



Obama didn't put his hand over his heart because this flag wasn't big enough to symbolize HIS patriotism

* Pinned a flag lapel pin to his grandmother and the Rev. Wright before throwing them under the bus.

* Anything that big-knockered chicks make videos about is patriotic by definition.

* Recites the Pledge of Allegiance when joining his former domestic terrorist friends at flag-burnings.

* Doesn't make unpatriotic hissing noises when talking through his dentures like McCain does.

* Trying to give America the same health care system as England & Canada is like super-triple-international patriotism!

* Will make English the official language of all unconditional negotiations with terrorists.

* Open-minded and tolerant of all belief systems, even those that don't recognize all 57 states.

* He believes, like most patriotic Americans, that Hillary Clinton eats babies and craps pure evil.

* "Hussein" might not sound patriotic, but at least it lacks the 'don't ask, don't tell' flavor of "Sidney".

* He doesn't flip-flop on issues, he does the "Patriot Pirouette".

* Questioning his patriotism makes you a racist, so knock it off, racist!



And how do YOU know that Obama is a SuperPatriot?

Rating: 2.8/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (14) | Barackalypse Now
Barack Obama: More Experienced than a House Cat
Posted by Frank J. at 09:34 AM | Email This

It's kinda crazy Obama has people out like Wes Clark attacking the usefulness of McCain's military career in judging his fitness to be president. Clark says its not the right experience, but as compared to what military experience Obama has? How he once saw a blimp?

You'd think Obama surrogates would do everything they can to do avoid the topic of experience and never mention the concept of how time spent at some activities can be used to speculate one's success at future activities of a similar nature. Instead, they should be trying to bring up stories about how a cat once dialed 911 to save its owner.

"There was nothing in that cat's history to indicate it knew how to operate a phone or what an emergency number is, but still that cat did what was needed when it was time to act. Similarly, Obama should be able to be president. Sure, he has never dialed 911 before -- he doesn't like to get involved -- but most would agree he's smarter than a cat."

Rating: 2.3/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (18)
July 01, 2008
Penny for Hillary
Posted by Frank J. at 01:02 PM | Email This

I got sent this, and thought I'd share:

June 27, 2008

Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton

United States Senate

476 Russell Senate Office Building

Washington, D.C. 20510

Dear Mrs. Clinton,

I recently read where you have incurred substantial debt with your unsuccessful campaign for the Democratic Presidential nomination. Your plight concerns me and I would like to help as much as I can. I would certainly hate for you to feel pressured, due to the size of your debt, to support a candidate that you do not truly believe is ready to be "Commander in Chief on Day One."

I have always believed that our form of government, while less than perfect, is the best the world has to offer. I’ve also always believed that Congress with 535 elected members has more power to do good for this country than only one person or even nine people. Congress has the power and ability to guide and direct this country like no other group.

I vividly remember in 2006 how the Democrats gained control of both houses of Congress trumpeting “Change” and a better America. Let’s review how that has worked out for us.

* Mortgage companies have declared bankruptcy costing thousands of people their jobs
* Home values have nose-dived
* Millions of Americans have lost their homes
* World oil prices have risen astronomically
* The Democrats continue to block drilling in oil rich reserves to continue and even increase our dependence on foreign oil
* Gasoline prices have increased to over $4 a gallon and there appears to be no end in sight even though Americans have reduced their driving over one billion miles a month.
* The stock market, where most Americans’ retirement hopes are invested, has dropped by more than 15%.
* Food prices are increasing at an alarming rate fueled mostly by rising energy costs

All in all I’d have to say that the Democrats fulfilled their promise and have brought change to our country. It isn’t good change, but it is change. Unfortunately, because of all this change, change is all I have to give you to help you retire your debt.

I am enclosing one penny for you to add to your campaign “war chest.” I think that’s a fair trade. Everything you’ve done for me is worth about a penny and because of the success of the Democrats, that’s all I have. Just so you know that you really aren’t alone in this, I had to borrow the penny from a friend.

I do have one simple request in return. I would really appreciate it if you could teach me how I can get the American people to pay off my debts that I knowingly and willingly incurred. Isn’t this a great country?

Good luck in your future endeavors.

Sincerely,
Steve Russell

American citizen, patriot, veteran, taxpayer and voter


Rating: 4.0/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (15)
lolterizt! Part 53
Posted by Harvey at 12:01 PM | Email This

Plenty of room for new submissions. Notice how Obama hasn't sent in anything, and now people are questioning his patriotism.

Anyway, pass 'em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don't be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.



chicken cam.jpg

dont mix.jpg

fly is down.jpg

I call it Sting.jpg
[reference link]

infidel whor.jpg

skeeters.jpg

soapbox derby.jpg

watching the view.jpg
[reference link - caution: contains auto-start video, turn down your speakers]



From Paul-Jacques
cane me.jpg


PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won't end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

HAT TIP: Snapped Shot for handy links to ripe-for-captioning photos.

Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and - if they aren't obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don't suck too terribly bad - I'll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

Rating: 2.7/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (2) | lolterizt
Showing Solidarity with Obama
Posted by Frank J. at 11:03 AM | Email This

Obama supporters are starting to get Ronulan weird: Some of them are legally changing their middle names to Hussein to show solidarity with Changey McHoperson. If his cultish supporters want to show solidarity where they think Obama may be attacked, here are a few other suggestions:

WAYS TO SHOW SOLIDARITY WITH OBAMA

* When important family matters needs your decision, vote "present."

* If you're ever caught in a lie, blame those most devoted to you for the error.

* Never do anything significant and demand a huge promotion at work.

* Whenever anything goes wrong, immediately throw one of your friends or family members under the minivan.

* Look down on others despite being a completely worthless person yourself.

* Hang out with racists and other scumbags until challenged on it and then claim ignorance of the controversy.

* Send your friends to attack the military service of opponents.

* Insult people with real principles behind their backs.

* Change your positions daily to what seems most popular at the time. Back this up by generally making mealy-mouthed, non-statements about important issues.

* Marry someone angry and bitter who takes all of her blessing for granted.

* Talk in general bromides, and never back it up with any actions.

* Hint to your dislike of the country, but get really bitchy if it's brought up.

* Just generally be a sniveling coward.

Rating: 2.7/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (13)
Random Thought
Posted by Frank J. at 09:01 AM | Email This

It takes two to be sexist: One to make a rude remark and the other to be a dumb broad.

Rating: 2.3/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (10)
 

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