Obama's numbers have kinda flat-lined, but I hear he has a historic speech coming up on August 28th that should give him a big boost in the polls.

Oh wait...

Because (from a recent MorOn.Org email) it makes Democrats say things like this:

I think she's far too inexperienced to be in this position. I'm all for a woman in the White House, but not one who hasn't done anything to deserve it. There are far many other women who have worked their way up and have much more experience that would have been better choices. This is a patronizing decision on John McCain's part- and insulting to females everywhere that he would assume he'll get our vote by putting "A Woman" in that position.—Jennifer M., Anchorage, AK

Let's do some subtle re-writing so that you can see why this makes me giggle so:

I think he's far too inexperienced to be in this position. I'm all for an African-American in the White House, but not one who hasn't done anything to deserve it. There are far many other African-Americans who have worked their way up and have much more experience that would have been better choices. This is a patronizing decision on the Democratic Party's part - and insulting to African-Americans everywhere that they would assume they'll get our vote by putting "An African-American" in that position.

Look for Jennifer's PKB (pot - kettle - black) argument in various forms everywhere.

The only negative I know about Palin is the possible "Troopergate" scandal. Abuse of power would pretty much go against everything McCain and Palin are supposed to stand for. Flopping Aces has a good round up about it, and you can see why this "scandal" didn't concern McCain.

Do you notice that after one day you can already name more Palin accomplishments from her reforming of Alaska's government and running against the GOP establishment there than I can name Obama accomplishments after more than a year of hearing about him? Plus, she's held actual jobs. I mean, what the hell is a "community organizer"? I swear, that guy is 48 and hasn't done one useful thing in his entire life.

The McCain campaign has already come out with new bumper stickers. I think these may be particularly focused towards conservatives:

Fred Thompson will be replacing Arnold Schwarzenegger at the Republican National Convention.

And have you seen the desperation in the left-wing nuts' attacks on Palin? The rats are backed in a corner and lashing out with their tiny little claws.

I got a lot of e-mails about this, but I'm pretty sure this isn't me. Yeah, it does sound kinda like me, but I don't remember writing that.

Also, a couple people forwarded me an e-mail (that I got myself) that Fred Thompson will have a announcement on Monday thinking that means he's going to do a third-party run. Come on, people; he's a party man, not a Don Quixote. I assume the announcement will be about his new FredPAC to support conservatives (like Palin).

If you're getting excited about Palin, remember that Obama has a great story too:

I think Jon Stewart is about to get excommunicated from the left for blasphemy.

(hat tip Hot Air)

Sorry not to have reaction up right away, but I'm not one of those bloggers who can just post crap all day; I have to work for a living. Thus, I don't go for immediacy; I go for quality. While all the other pea-brained bloggers are typing the first thing that leaves their puppy-soaked synapses, I sit in thoughtful contemplation. That's what you expect from IMAO, and what keeps us consistently ranked as one of the top ten thousand political blogs.

Anyway, here's the simplest way to put my reaction to McCain picking Sarah Palin: I actually spent time today seeing if McCain has a donation widget I could put on IMAO.

I was already prepared to use the money we would have given to a conservative candidate to buy more comic books, but SarahK says we have to donate to McCain now. It should be money well spent, too, just looking at the technical competence of the McCain campaign thus far. Their ads have been a lot more newsworthy than Obama's boring, same-old tripe, and then this VP rollout left only about five seconds to discuss Obama's "historic" speech.

And now conservatives are actually excited for a McCain candidacy (or perhaps, despite it). It's crazy. Anyway, I'll have more on Palin in the coming week, and until then just read up on her (basketball captain, beauty pageant contestant, hunter, sports newscaster, commercial fisherman, mother of five including a son who joined the Army on the sixth anniversary of 9-11 -- can you get more American?) and you can consider donating to McCain here. Make sure to tell them IMAO sent you so we're recognized as the kingmaker we are. And maybe they'll get me that widget. Fred Thompson had a widget.

Put more stories of Palin's awesomeness in the comments. And here's video of her using an M-16. That's how you take out a glass ceiling.

Answer: Nothing, if it stands for Unqualified Stuttering Marxist Celebutard.

Seriously, though, the only people who should wear this shirt are Marines and people who admire them. It is NOT for use as some hoops-chump's sweat-rag.

[Hat tip: Mike the Marine]

On the forty-fifth anniversary of Martin Luther King's "I Have a Dream Speech," Barack Obama gave his speech accepting the nomination of the Democratic Party. King's speech was about judging people not by the color of their skin but by the content of their character, and while Obama's character lacks any content whatsoever, this was still pretty historic. And, if you can't nominate someone competent, you might as well go for someone historic.

Anyway, it was an important speech that everyone should be talking about for about five or six minutes until McCain's running mate pick dominates the news cycle. Of course, I didn't watch it; I was busy playing Pokemon on my DS. There's these berry trees in the game that could die if I don't water them once a day, and we Republicans are all about responsibility. Still, I rounded up the reactions of other people to Obama's speech for your convenience:

REACTIONS TO OBAMA'S SPEECH

Nancy Pelosi: "It drilled my brains!"

Harry Reid:"I wish I got applauded after speaking."

Tom Daschle: "Do you think he'll hire me? Target is working me like a slave-driver."

Joe Biden: "This was Obama at his most articulate. The speech was completely devoid of the ghetto slang we would expect from his kind."

John McCain: "I've heard more coherent things out of gooks I've strangled. They also were less negative about me."

Robert Byrd: "Holy crap, we just nominated a (censored)!"

Joe Lieberman: "They wouldn't let me in the building."

Keith Olbermann: "I had to change my pants twice during it."

William Ayers: "To know my good friend Obama may go in the White House almost makes me not want to blow it up."

Jeremiah Wright: "Bet the crackers ate that up."

Kos: "Blig awagga gerrrrblah!"

Michael Moore: "After it, I was speechless and obese."

Chris Matthews: "The doctors found out that the tingle up my leg is nerve damage."

Hillary Clinton: "Enjoy your moment in the spotlight, wee child, but never think this is over."

Fred Thompson: "I've crapped better speeches."

Barack Obama: "It was the greatest speech ever given. It was like God Himself was speaking through me and then I realized: I'm God."

Paris Hilton: "It lacked substance."

As Laurie mentioned to me in a recent e-mail, although we've been wishing for this:

At least we got this:

Either way, it means she'll be serving 2 to 4 in obscurity, and she'll be out of our hair for a while.

Later, PIAPS.

Meanwhile, in IMAO programming news, there'll be a new WEsistance Challenge up on Tuesday to welcome you back from the holiday weekend, and I'll be pushing the lolterizt! post to Wednesday.

Now go celebrate Labor Day by not doing any.

Man, I was hoping to know McCain's running mate by now so I could put up a fact sheet on him or her -- information is why people come to IMAO -- but McCain has certainly done a better job than Obama at keeping it a secret (yet another thing Obama is incompetent at). I tried calling McCain, but when he found out I was a conservative blogger he just went into a curse-filled rant.

Man, wouldn't it be cool if it were Fred Thompson? And they had live video of Biden crapping his pants during the announcement? Pundits would be like, "They're too old." And Fred Thompson would be like, "Your heads are too ripped off," and then he'd rip off their heads.

We can dream.

DENVER (AP) - At a train station outside the Democrat convention, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi sought volunteers to help ease the severe shortage of gray matter in the Democrat Party, asking one group "can we drill your brains?".

"Trepan here, trepan now!"

"It's no secret that Democrats have been low on brains for a long time now," said Pelosi, "as our convention so sadly illustrates. From our presumptive candidate not knowing whether he was in St. Louis or Kansas City, to his mental defective veep referring to him as 'Barack America', to our tribute to Ted Kennedy opening AND closing with scenes of open water - dear God in heaven, we just aren't that bright."

While some in the Democrat party have advocated clean, renewable sources of brains - such as babies - left-wing scientists are unable to discover a practical method of bringing them out into the world alive so that they can grow. "There's no commercially viable way to turn these bits of fetal tissue into something that can think like a human being," noted Pelosi, "even the Pope agrees with that."

"We've tried using trained monkeys as a substitute for smart people," said the Speaker, "but all that got us was MoveOn.org."

The Democrat party is currently heavily dependent on brains from overseas, such as Canadian health ministers, Iranian mullahs, and Manifesto-writing Russian philosophers. Such a strategically questionable over-reliance on foreign sources puts Liberals in a precarious position. "What if the rest of the world suddenly stopped thinking in a socially responsible fashion and simply left the United States to think for itself? Some people scoff that this could never happen, but those people have obviously forgotten about the dreadful Reagan years."

"So I think that, in the end, our only realistic choice is to drill for brains here in the US," concluded Pelosi. "Then again, ramming a 4-inch steel bit through someone's skull with a Black & Decker cordless might actually be a monumentally idiotic feel-good pipe-dream instead of a sensible plan for ensuring the future of our nation. But I'm a Democrat, so I really wouldn't be able to tell the difference."

I guess the Greek temple for Obama's speech is okay, but they may have gone overboard when they put all those prayer mats on the field so everyone can bow down and worship. Interestingly, I hear Obama has a special new $2 million suit for this occasion, but it's invisible to stupid people.

It's time to recognize IMAO commenter Jimmy. His comments help me know my craft is appreciated and motivates me to continue writing. Also, his comments means there is more material to read even when Harvey or I haven't posted. Jimmy is an important part of IMAO, and it's high time we all recognize that. So why don't you comment here on how much you like Jimmy and in the future learn from Jimmy's examples and be a good IMAO commenter (though probably not as good as Jimmy). Without commenters like Jimmy, there would be no IMAO.

And with no IMAO, there is only death to look forward to.

Yeah, picking Biden was 2008's equivalent of the Dean Scream, Dukakis in a tank, and Kerry in a bunny suit all rolled into one, but there are... more disturbing scenarios...

And let's be honest... this one's still on the table until Thursday.

[via Grouchy Old Cripple, at the insistence of Jimmy]

Got this e-mail with the subject "'frank answers' tried to post this as an answer":

That's an outright lie. The reason why we have so many cows is because many stupid people insist on using cows for dairy...which requires constant impregnation for "our" own selfish, unnecessary, and unhealthy dairy consumption.

I love basically all animals regardless of whether man has made use of them for his own selfish purposes or not. I've raised chickens as a vegetarian and given the means, I would do so again in a heart beat. Cattle seem even more intelligent than fowl, IMO.

No idea what post that's in response to, but I think it stands by itself.

It's an imprudent choice to provide the government with a financial incentive to prefer to see you dead rather than ill.

I didn't watch Hillary's speech as I didn't really see why it would interest me, but all the other bloggers are talking about it and I feel like I'd be doing a disservice to you if I didn't comment on it and try to come up with a unique opinion that doesn't just parrot what all the other pundits are saying.

Here I go...

I think it's quite obvious that Hillary's speech last night was a suicide note. Having lost her dream to the upstart Obama, she made it quite clear she intends to end her life. I think that's why we saw genuine emotion from Bill Clinton who was in the audience. He may have treated her poorly, but he still cares for her and its heartbreaking for him to know her end is coming.

While all the other asshole bloggers are busy analyzing whether Hillary showed enough support or not for Obama's candidacy, I guess I'll be the only one courageous enough to say: Don't do it Hillary. It's not worth it. You have things to live for. People love you. Not me... and probably not anyone at this blog... but other people. And Jesus. You're still a Senator from New York, and that's pretty big. Keep on living. You're worth it.

Got a pro-Obama comment from one of the Michelle Obama "America is mean" crowd posting under the name Essence:

You are all idiots, no offense. Oh wait, except for Son of Bob. I do agree that Obama is no Jesus, especially since I don't believe in Jesus either. However, him and his wife are extremely intelligent and compassionate people--unlike the majority of Americans. And the thing I personally think Obama should not only be allowed to stay alive for but also to govern our country for is his sense of community. I'm sorry but the self driven independence in this country makes me want to hurl. No one wants to help anyone anymore. In fact, they rather do harm to other people if it means furthering their own happiness. Thank GOD Obama wants to bring us together and have us work with each other again. Any asshole who can't see what he's trying to help us do needs to do some more researching. Oh, and because of what he's trying to do, this man will inevitably be assassinated. All the great ones are. :(

This was in response to a post where I said both people who want to vote for or assassinate Obama have incoherent, substance-free reasoning. She basically just took her wacky skewed view of America and projected all of her beliefs onto Obama... with no evidence backing any of it. Someone who convinced himself he should assassinate Obama would follow the same process, just projecting everything they fear onto the empty vessel that is the inexperienced but quite average liberal politician Barry O.

And that's why people who want to vote for/assassinate Obama are dangerous, mentally unstable zealots who should be locked up.

[Hat tip: Corsair, from the comments on this post]

By the way, Alice pointed out to me that you can leave a welcome note for Biden at the Obama site.

Is there anything more exciting than the Democratic National Convention? Maybe the Big Bang, but I doubt it.

So, the question is: How will Hillary try and kill Barack Obama?

Do you think she'll try and do it secretly or do it very publicly. My guess would be the latter. I'm thinking she'll flay him alive during his acceptance speech.

"The only reason you beat me is because of your skin color, so let's see how you do WITHOUT YOUR SKIN!!!"

That wacky Hillary. I don't think it showed judgment to cross her.

Plenty of room for reader entries next week, too.

Meanwhile, pass 'em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don't be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.

---

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From Russ:

From Wendy:

From Brian:

From Hart of That Hero:

From Luipaard:

From Dan:

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PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won't end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

HAT TIP: Snapped Shot for handy links to ripe-for-captioning photos.

Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and - if they aren't obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don't suck too terribly bad - I'll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

It's looking like if Mitt Romney is picked as McCain's running mate, it could cause a split in the Republican Party between people who are Huckabee and people who aren't. We better be sure we can survive that before we proceed.

People were going to assassinate Obama? For what?

Do you get the feeling that if you asked one of these people what they wanted to kill Obama for his answer would be just as incoherent and substance free as someone explaining why Obama should be president? If they're white supremacists, the fact that he's black would probably be given for killing him... which was also what a supporter named as Obama's accomplishment when asked to name something. What else is there to kill him for? Because he gave a great speech in 2004?

Is it smart for Obama to have an ad out that mentions William Ayers?

Saw this joke somewhere and had to share it:

What do Osama and Obama have in common?

Read More...

MorOn.org ran a contest to have talentless hippies produce artwork glorifying the Obamesssiah.

Mostly the images are just stomach-churningly awful, but I suppose some of them could be nudged gently into the land of "oh... NOW I get it" if they'd just pick better titles for this dreck.

Allow me to demonstrate:

---

"But First, Higher Taxes"

"Freakshow - The Fire Eater"

"Why... So... Serious?"

"Can't Afford Gas - Gotta Do SOMETHING With 'Em"

"The Highest Bidders"

"Insert Knife Between Shoulder Blades"

"Quick! Wish It Into The Cornfield!"

"Who Wants More Welfare?"

"Lord of the Flies"

"The Suicide Note"

"So now I reveal my awesome pick for running mate," Barack Obama told the assembled crowd. "Joe Biden."

There was silence and some coughing from the audience.

"I will remind you that I am Obama -- the One -- and everything I do is perfect and should not be questioned!"

The crowd cheered enthusiastically for Biden. "You're the best, Obama!" one of the reporters yelled.

"I just want to say that Turok Osama here is very clean and articulate for a black man." Biden patted Obama on the head. "I think he's a great candidate -- not as good as McCain -- but still pretty good."

"Why did you wait until 3 AM to send the announcement text message?" a reporter asked.

"Well, I started working on it at 6 PM," Obama said, "but those text messages are hard. I mean, like each number represents three or four letters... and I forget how you do the punctuation. But, hey eventually I got that message out. And that's the determination I plan to bring to my presidency... to hit buttons until things get done!"

"Isn't Bocka Yo'Mama precious! Just look at those ears!" Biden flicked one of Obama's ears.

"Did you pick Biden to fill your experience gap?" a reported.

"I don't have an experience gap!" Obama answered indignantly.

"Blasphemer!" another member of the press yelled at the reporter.

"But Biden does have more experience at the... uh... stuff with... er... countries that aren't ours..."

"Foreign policy," Biden assisted.

"See, he knows that stuff."

"What do you have experience at?" the reporter asked.

"Well... uh... today I made myself a sandwich."

"We ate at Subway," Biden said.

"Where I told them exactly what I wanted on my sandwich which is a lot like making it!"

"You didn't like your sandwich."

"Shut up!"

"So who do you think McCain will pick as his VP?"

"Certainly no one as good as Biden," Obama said.

"Certainly no one with my IQ," Biden scoffed. "Hopefully he'll not be dumb enough to pick Jindal who right now is finding out that running a state government isn't anything like running a 7-11."

"So... uh... do you think that Biden's gaffes may be a problem," a reporter asked.

"It's well documented that Biden's brain trails his mouth. For instance, his brain his still probably processing what he had for breakfast while his mouth is reacting to things now, but that's something we can deal with."

"Did you guys see the Olympics." He stretched his eyes with his fingers. "Want to see my imitation of the Chinese?"

"That's okay," Obama told him. He turned back to the press. "Anyway, Biden should help with our down to earth image. By the way, did you see how many houses McCain has?" He chuckled. "I bet he doesn't even know the price of organic arugula since he always sends his servants to Whole Foods to pick it up for him. I've only done that a couple times."

"You think Biden will connect with middle America?" a reporter asked.

"Of course I will, idiot!" Biden yelled. "Except with those gun owners. They're all deranged! We need to lock them all up!" He thought for a moment. "But if I try to lock them up, they may shoot me. I'll need to poison them while they sleep. Yeah, that's it: We need to poison gun owners."

"Uh... remember... he knows a lot about foreign policy!" Obama tried to say cheerily.

"We should write to check of $200 million to al Qaeda. Maybe then they'll like us!" Biden said.

"You want to give money to terrorists?" an incredulous reporter asked.

"I graduated twice as Valedictorian from my high school!" Biden shouted. "Don't you question me!"

"Could you shut up!" Obama said to him angrily. "I never wanted you as my running mate! I wanted Sebelius! I was told I needed you for your experience!"

"Yeah, weren't you only eleven when I first entered the Senate, Ongo Bongo?" Biden laughed. "You were just a little knee-biter then. And now look at you." Biden looked at Obama for a moment. "You kinda look like a monkey." Biden turned to the press. "Doesn't he look like a monkey? I mean, they say Bush looks like a monkey, but I think Yamaha is even more monkey-like." A thought seemed to strike Biden. "I'm not saying that because he's black, though; I'm saying it because of his monkey features."

Obama sighed. "I think we're done for now."

After going broke giving away Obama buttons, MoveOn.org is now giving away Obama/Biden stickers.

I'm putting mine on that bag of used cat litter I put out by the curb on Mondays.

What are you going to do with yours?

I can't believe that out of the entirety of the Democrat Party, Obama couldn't find a single qualified African-American to choose as a running mate.

I suspect racism.

I got this letter from the DNC:

Frank --

That's me!

John McCain has a lot of houses. How many?

I don't know!

He can't keep track.

Oh noes!

Yesterday, when asked by reporters how many homes he owns, McCain responded, "I think -- I'll have my staff get to you."

Did the staff get back to them, or is he hiding that information like a common Obama?

This is the latest in a string of striking and revealing comments by McCain. Recently he said that from his perspective "the fundamentals of our economy are strong" right now, then he said that millionaires are not rich as long as they're making less than $5 million a year.

I saw the video of both those statements, so I know you're full of crap. Then again, this supposed to be a letter to Democrat faithfuls who would just be nodding and drooling at this point.

Today, the Obama campaign launched a television ad exposing just how out-of-touch McCain is with the realities American families face.

Is it as forgettable as all their others? They should try comparing McCain to Paris Hilton.

Watch the ad and write a letter to your local newspaper about John McCain's out-of-touch economic policies:

I'll get right on that.

In an economy where millions of Americans are sinking under high mortgages and rising gas prices, we can't afford another president who doesn't get it.

So we want that other rich guy Obama?

In John McCain's world, the limits on campaign contributions should rise with inflation, but the minimum wage should not. In fact, he believes there shouldn't be any increase at all in the minimum wage.

Yeah, the problem with McCain is he's too lax on campaign finance laws.

How can he help the middle class when he doesn't know who they are? And how can he fix the economy if he doesn't know it's broken?

Again, the alternative is the guy who judges the economy based on the price of organic arugula at Whole Foods?

BTW, do you guys think the middle class earn minimum wage?

McCain's money may have bought him a lot of houses, but there's one house we can't afford to let McCain add to his list: the White House. Not on our watch.

Actually, I bet it was his wife's money that got the houses. She makes beer.

Please watch the Obama campaign's ad and write a letter to your local papers about how out-of-touch John McCain is with economic realities:

http://www.democrats.org/howmanyhouses

"Dear newspapers, McCain is rich, unlike any other politician. P.S. I'm retarded."

Keep fighting the good fight,

DNC Rapid Response Team

Do you people get like paid for this? How can I get in on this scam?

P.S. -- The answer is at least seven. And they are worth more than $13 million dollars.

The dastard!

For some reason, the Dummycrats really think they hit pay dirt here. Daily Kos, which is famous for having absolutely no clue what motivates someone to vote who doesn't masturbate to pictures comparing Bush to a chimp, has a number of front page posts on this (like this). They really think they have an attack again McCain now. My guess is they're thinking of how this became an issue with Kerry, and having the analytic skills of squirrels, don't really get how this is different for McCain versus for a haughty liberal pretending to be a friend of the poor.

This reminds me of when I got made fun of in school for being smart. "Ha! Frank got a hundred on his test!" Just because something is said like an insult doesn't make it insulting. We're Republicans; we celebrate wealth. We're certainly not a bunch of whiny, jealous dinguses about it. We're especially not the average liberal politicians who is rich himself but doesn't want that for anyone else.

Have the Democrats come up with one substantive attack on McCain yet? I know we Republicans had plenty in the primaries. I guess attacking what he's done as a politician only reinforces the face that he actually has done things.

Got an e-mail from MoveOn.org, which says, in part:

How many houses do you own? Most Americans could answer that question quite easily.

But John McCain couldn't remember yesterday when asked by reporters. It's actually kind of ridiculous. He paused and said, "I think—I'll have my staff get to you." (The correct answer? At least seven.)

[emphasis mine]

"Know why I'm so rich? I ain't had to pay a barber in 50 years."

You read that correctly. After chastising McCain for not being to do an off-the-cuff listing of his real estate holdings, and after having a good 24 hours to do the research, they couldn't come up with an exact number, either.

Neither could Politico, who asked the question in the first place:

The correct answer is at least four, located in Arizona, California and Virginia, according to his staff. Newsweek estimated this summer that the couple owns at least seven properties.

And a Politico analysis later in the day found McCain's family owns at least eight properties, according to property and tax records, as well as interviews.

[emphasis mine]

It's an asinine question in the first place. When you have $100 million, buying a house isn't like buying a house to a normal person. It's more like buying a household appliance, like a TV. So let's ask MoveOn how many TV's they have.

"Well, uh... there's one in the living room, one in the basement... uh... oh! - one in the bedroom... um... does the DVD player in the Expedition count?... uh..."

BZZZZZZZZ! Time's up! You're out of touch with the average American because you had to think about it!

Honestly, I'd find it a lot more disturbing if McCain were so micromanage-obsessed with his properties that he could have answered that question definitively, accurately, and without hesitation.

The point is, he's got money, he's living well, and he's enjoying life. I hope that if I keep working hard, investing wisely and spending prudently, I can grab a piece of the good life for myself and my family, even if it's on a somewhat less grandiose scale.

Ya know, the lefties say that Barack is an example of the American Dream - the son of an immigrant who went to law school and now has a real shot at being President.

Frankly, I think McCain embraces the REAL American dream - having the freedom to marry any hot-looking, cash-soaked heiress you damn well please.

God Bless America.

And rich chicks.

Lead WEtard Cathy Zoi said the following in an email [Hat tip sgtryansmall]:

On the day Exxon announced its record profits, I testified before the U.S. Congress. I explained that there are no technical or material impediments to achieving the goal of 100% clean electricity within ten years. The only thing missing is political will.

Is the phrase "political will" more Hitlerian or Stalinesque, ya think?

Anyway, I'm inviting anyone who sees a "technical or material impediment" to her WEdiculous goal to mention said impediment in the comments.

He's not flip-flopping, pivoting, or pirouetting - Barack Obama is now EVOLVING on the issue of giving NASA an additional $2 billion in funding.

I guess he's trying to make that leap between Adorable Rodent and Marauding Marsupial.

Anyway, I'm surprised it took Obama this long to get on board with the Shuttle program, since it only burns liquid hydrogen & liquid oxygen - ZERO carbon footprint! So I suspect that he'll make sure the $2B is spent making NASA even greener in the future. I prognosticate thusly:

---

"Reduce, Reuse, Re-entry"

* Spacesuits will be hand-woven by indigenous peoples from sustainably grown organic hemp fibers.

* Space helmets made from 100% post-consumer recycled paper.

* Psychotic stalker astronaut chicks will be required to complete their cross-country treks wearing cloth diapers.

* Shuttle will be painted black so as not to reflect sunlight and increase global warming.

* In flight movie: An Inconvenient Truth

* Shuttle's spent solid rocket booster tanks to be recovered by sailboats. Yay! Wind power!

* Tang to be replaced with more earth-friendly soy-based Sang.

* After washing spacesuits, hang them off the shuttle's mechanical arm to dry.

* Old satellites should be recycled instead of being left as space trash. Start with weather satellites that aren't showing increasing global temperatures.

* Astronaut training centrifuge to be powered by gerbils on meth.

* Instead of adjusting shuttle orbit with wasteful rockets, just have everyone get out and push.

* Replace moon with giant compact fluorescent light.

---

How else can NASA help save our precious planet?

"Thank you for being here," Rick Warren said.

"Uh... er.. you're... um... welcome," Barack Obama answered with nervous looks to the audience.

"First question: What is your name?"

"My name is... um... Barry... uh... I mean Barack... um... Obama." Obama looked quite flustered. "McCain isn't getting these questions ahead of time, is he?"

Warren shook his head. "No, he's in the cone of silence. Now here's the next question: When does life begin?"

"Um... er... I don't... uh... that questions is... um... above my pay grade."

"So you don't know when life begins?"

"I... um... don't know lots of things."

"Well, let's go with more specific examples, then. A ten-year-old: Would you say he's alive and fully human?" Warren asked.

"Yes, I guess I would... um... probably say that a ten-year-old is a person."

"Okay. How about a five-year-old?"

"Well... uh... they go to... um... kindergarten, right? So... um... if you go to a... um... government funded school... uh... you'd probably have to be a... um... person."

"What about a two-year-old?"

"Well... uh... now we're getting into a bit of a gray area." Obama could see the audience was a bit cold to him. "Now... uh... I know some people... um... are wondering about my... uh... vote on the... uh... Born Alive Act, but... um... I want to assure you that... uh... I am not for... um... infanticide. I just won't... um... stop those who are... uh... and I may ask for... um... government funding for them."

The audience stared at Obama with disbelief.

Obama stretched his collar. "You sure McCain won't get these questions ahead of time?"

Warren looked insulted by the question. "No one can defeat the cone of silence!"

* * * *

John McCain sat within the center of the cone of silence staring at its bare, white walls. There was no sound. He was truly isolated. "Rick Warren may think his cone of silence is impenetrable," McCain said to himself, "but he underestimates the power of DARK REPUBLICAN MAGIC!" McCain began to summon forth the Dark Powers. "Satan, Cthulhu, Skeletor... hear my call! Show me what lies beyond!"

A dark cloud swirled before McCain revealing the stammering Barack Obama. "Muh ha ha ha!" McCain laughed. "Now I'll know all the questions beforehand! GOP minions, can you hear me?"

"Yes, sir, we can hear you," answered a minion, "and we're running each question Rick Warren is asking through a building full of supercomputers to determine that absolute best answer for each. You'll be so prepared for this interview that in comparison they'll want to send Obama home on a short bus."

McCain tapped his fingertips together. "Excellent. I see Warren is asking a question on faith. I'm going to tell a story of a Vietnamese guarding drawing a cross in the sand. Make sure that other people will back me up; brainwash them if necessary."

"If you're going to make up a story," the minion said, "why not have it be about you doing something Christian?"

"Bah!" McCain shouted. "I'm the master of evil! Don't question my methods! We should just feel lucky those meddling Kos Kids haven't found out that I was never a POW and spent the Vietnam War at the North Pole punching baby seals in the face."

McCain watched as Obama stammered in response to more questions. "So, what did you guys do to him to make him look so stupid?"

"We didn't do anything."

"Hmm. Maybe we're putting too much effort into this."

Some Operation Rumor Has It suggestions for your reading pleasure. Actual authors may claim credit in the comments if they choose.

You may safely assume that all typos were intentional.

---

Congratulations, it is about time that people stop talking about the weather and finally getting around to doing something about it.

I have a few concern however that leaves me in kind of a quandary I have been watching the Olympics on TV and I think that it is great that it shows how wonderful the Communist system really is and how happy the people are being taken care of by the Chinese Government.. But I am a bit troubled by the Olympic Flame constantly burning and warming our precious planet. Another thing that worries me is that the Olympic Stadium looks like a giant birds nest. Don;t you thinks that birds seeing this may decide not to make their own nests? It would be tragic if future generations of birds do not have the inherent knowledge to make their own nests! Perhaps we could let the Chinese know that we thing they are great, but perhaps they could extinguish the flame now and tear down the stadium when the games are over.

Sincerely,

A Fellow Traveler

---

Hi, im new to this. I live in N.Calif. and lately I've believe we are being exposed toan enemy as lethal as the effects of carbon dioxiode. Static seems to be everywhere Wireless energy (i.e. internet, tv remote controls, garage door openers, cell phones, ATM or i guess elec. data transfers, etc) is not grounded like telephone lines and electricity. Common sense says when any one of those towers out there get overloaded, the signal will jump to the next available source like TV antennas on houses and even to the ore in our soil like iron that is so abundant.

Over the last few months others in my neighborhood have noticed that sound goes dead. I live 1 block off a major thrufare thru our town and every single day you can't even hear the traffic. I found out from a friend that use to work for the telephone co., that this vacuum of sound is caused by sound waves colliding with each other. It happens 20x a day or more. Wireless eneregy like any energy (i.e. sunlight, electricity) must also have magnetic and elec. fields. If the air is getting flooded with wireless energy then it must be flooded with magnetic energy. If this is so, then magnetic energy fields have just as much potential power to trap heat emissions as the vehicles that cause the emissions.

I don't know. It just seems like static energy is 100x more abundant here than I've ever noticed before. About 30% of the elec. poles in this town you can hear the buzzing and it only seems to be getting worse. Also their is talk around about hydraulic sewer systems releaseing negative ions. If true, then both wireless energy and the addition of negative ions have the ability to encompass a much more major role in effecting global warming then even most of us could imagine.

Im concerned. Wondering whether others have considered this potential problem in the effects of global warming.

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I've read Mr. Gore's spectacular plan for becoming energy independent in 10 years. I've read his information on solar panels and think he's missed something really, really basic that would help a great deal. We need to pass a law making daylight savings time mandatory all year for everyone - no more special cases (DO YOU HEAR ME ARIZONA?). If you think about it, the extra hour of daylight we get from daylight savings time could mean mega-joules of electricity for everyone having solar panels on their house right now and in the future more people would want to take advantage of this free energy source by purchasing solar panels for their existing houses or if they built houses they would want to have the solar panels added to the house because of the extra free energy available all year round (except at night) and maybe even people like landlords would want to add solar panels to their apartment buildings so they could charge the same rent but make more money because of the free electricity they'd be getting and they could put in electric appliances for all of the tenants so they wouldn't be making all the carbon dioxide from using gas appliances or even malls could have solar panels and not be open at night when the solar panels don't work as well - not to mention the public schools who should be using solar panels and not wasting my tax dollars on the inefficiencies of lighting classrooms with carbon producing fossil fuels or even nuclear energy (now that makes me pig 'biten mad) - well you get the idea - and I got to say that a Nobel winner (that was a dynamite award by the way) like Mr. Gore should have thought about how to get extra daylight too.

Thanks,

Franki

---

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WASHINGTON (AP) - After months of careful deliberation, presumptive Democrat Party presidential nominee Barack Obama today announced the identity of his vice-presidential running mate - an American Flag. The announcement comes amidst - and possibly in response to - recent attacks by Republican candidate John McCain, who has repeatedly questioned the patriotism of Mr. Obama.

"Obama - Flag '08: Patrioticer Than You!"

"People - and I use the term loosely, since I mean 'Republicans' - have questioned my patriotism for months," said Obama at today's press conference. "They accused me of not loving my country because I wouldn't wear an American Flag lapel pin. Truth is, I didn't wear it for the same reason John McCain doesn't wear a Mitt Romney lapel pin. I didn't want to give away my choice for Vice President."

"The American Flag and I enjoy a close personal relationship," said Obama, "very casual, very comfortable. Neither one of us feels compelled to make phony hand-over-heart gestures in each other's presence. It's a relationship where the mutual love and respect is just so well understood that it never needs to be spoken of in public."

"You hear me, McCain?" shouted Obama, shaking his upraised fist, "I said NEVER!"

Although disappointed at not being chosen, Senator Joe Biden still praised Obama's selection. "It's no secret that Barack Obama has no military experience. On this issue an American Flag brings much needed balance to the ticket, having proudly served overseas in every war this country has fought. However, like Obama, it's also very experienced at saying nothing intelligent while waving at crowds of foreigners."

Still, not everyone approves of the selection. Bubba Gumperson, self-appointed "Town Bigot" of Hogeye, Arkansas, says that Obama's veep choice won't affect his vote. "Well, I ain't votin' for that colored fella, 'cause he's half white & half black. I sure as HELL ain't voting for the other colored fella - he's half white, half red, and half blue. Besides, I hear both of them is half Muslim to boot."

Some Operation Rumor Has It suggestions for your reading pleasure. Actual authors may claim credit in the comments if they choose.

You may safely assume that all typos were intentional.

---

Folks at WE,

The work you are doing to help save the environment is very noble!! Every time we see your commercial with the giant switch, my partner and I are overcome with emotion!!!

It is so important that you keep up with the good fight, which is why I am writing! You see, my therapist's cousin, who happens to work with someone who has a very reliable source in Washington, told me that the bush (who I call satan (lol), even though I don't believe in any of that stuff) administration is working to close down your website!!!!!! I'm not making this up!!! It seems as though they are working in the higher courts to pass a law that gives the president the power to 'quarantine' a website for up to 24 months on grounds of being a national security threat!! You guys need to fight this, because if they get this passed, well, imagine what a 2 year delay would mean to the survival of our planet!!!!!! Then where does it end?!?!? With the smashing of solar panels, and razing of windmills; Don Quixote-style?!??!! If you have lawyers, they need to get on this right away!!!!!!!!!!!

I saw an oil derrick the other day, I wept! Please help!!!, I'm running out of tears!

Alex Wilson, aka Distance
distance@happyhippie.com

---

THIS IS VERY IMPORTUNT! PLEASE READ!

(please bear with the phonetik spelling, it is essential so as not to be picked up by guvrnmint servalince software)

My name is Charlz Dyce (not my real name for reasons that will become cleer), and you must listen to me. It is vary important that you continue with your werk. The survival of our species and even our planet is at steak!

You see, I formerly worked for the guvrnmint at a sekrit facility in the Nevaduh dessert that I cannot disklose for fear of my lyfe and that of my parent-children home unit. (more sekrit than ay-ree-uh 49+2) The focus of our reeserch was on ekstra-terrestree-uls that have crashed visiting our plannut. Our reeserch has discovered that all (non-earth-rezidentz) require at least 1000 ppm of C-O-2 to servive. Therefore, it is imperitive that we keep our plannuts levels far below this, or we risk full-skayl-invayzhun! You must beleev me! The kurrint administration believes they can exploit any visitor's teknologee for militarie gane, so they are trying to raise the see-oh-too levels above 1 ppt. This would be catastrofik! I have to be brief each time. More explanation will follow. Don't reply to this email at this time.

---

CONGRATULATIONS!!!

FROM THE DESK OF THE United Kingdom DIRECTOR MICROSOFT PRIZE AWARD DEPT 2008.
Attn Lucky Winner,
WINNING NOTIFICATION FOR CATEGORY "A" WINNER ONLY

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After this automated computer ballot, your e-mail address emerged as a
winner in the category "A" with the following numbers attached Ref
Number: ANA 6611 SX10001,Batch Number: 77586858577/5NL/2006 and Ticket
Number:555673577 /870701 You are therefore to receive a cash prize of
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Sterlings) from the total payout.

CONGRATULATIONS!!!. Your prize award has been insured with your e-mail
address and will be transferred to you upon meeting our requirements,
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To file in for the processing of your prize winnings, you are advised
to contact our Certified and Accredited claims agent for category "A"
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*********************************************

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unclaimed funds would be included in the next stake. Remember to quote
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claims will not be entertained).

Members of the affiliate agencies are automatically not allowed to
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Furthermore, should there be any change of address do inform our agent
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---

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Remember how I asked folks to sign up for a free Obama button to waste the time & money of MoveOn.org?

Well, I just got an email:

Dear MoveOn member,

When we started giving out free Obama buttons, we had absolutely no idea how much demand there'd be. It's been incredible: so far, MoveOn members have ordered over 1.5 million buttons!

Trouble is, we just can't afford to keep giving away this many buttons, so we've decided we have to cap it at 2 million.

That means there are fewer than 500,000 buttons left

[...]

We really want every Obama supporter in the country to be able to get his or her own Obama button. But unless something changes, we can't afford to keep supplying them for free.

So tell your family and friends and loved ones to get them now, before they're all gone.

Thanks,
Peter

Two quick points:

1) VICTORY!

2) Remember folks, this lesson applies to "free" health care, too - it only works until all the doctors who are forced to give away their talents decide to quit.

We all pretty much know that Obama is in no way qualified to be president of the United States, but has anyone ever looked into what in the world are his qualifications to be a U.S. Senator?

The nutroots are really going extra crazy over that Rick Warren interview. They thought McCain did so well that he must have cheated. They also think his story about the cross in the sand is so amazing it has to not be true. If you're wondering what argument the Kwazy Kos Kids have had on those issues over the past couple days, Keith Olbermann sums them up succinctly:

Tip for the nutroots: McCain never mentions he has a son who is serving. What's he trying to hide there? Maybe you should try and get lots of media attention on that.

Pass 'em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don't be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.

---

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PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won't end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

HAT TIP: Snapped Shot for handy links to ripe-for-captioning photos.

Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and - if they aren't obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don't suck too terribly bad - I'll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

Michael, from The Office. The entire government of China is just as socially retarded as he is. I really think they can just steal from what China does to make episode of that show.

PAM enters Michael's office accompanied by her seven-year-old cousin TRICIA.

PAM: Hello, Michael, this is Tricia. She learned the Dunder Mifflin jingle so she can sing at the paper products convention.

MICHAEL: Good. Let's hear it.

TRICIA sings.

MICHAEL: Wow. That was really really... really good.

PAM: (beaming) She's only seven years old.

MICHAEL: That's impressive.

PAM: So should I go ahead and tell her mother that she'll be going to the convention?

MICHAEL: ...

PAM: What?

MICHAEL: I don't know if she's the image we want for Dunder Mifflin.

PAM: What do you mean? You said you wanted a child to sing the jingle.

MICHAEL: Well, when I said "a child" I didn't mean... any child.

PAM: She is a very good singer.

MICHAEL: That she is. But... (whispers to PAM) ...I was imagining someone cuter.

PAM: Michael!

MICHAEL: This convention is very important, Pam! We want people to know how great a company Dunder Mifflin is, and how are people going to be impressed when they look at who we got to represent us, and there's...

Motions to TRICIA and then hesitates.

MICHAEL: So... how did you lose those teeth?

TRICIA: I got a dollar from the tooth fairy.

MICHAEL: (turns to PAM) This isn't going to work out. Maybe we can get someone older who's gotten through the teeth issue. Maybe a nine-year-old.

PAM: Michael! Tricia worked very hard to learn that song. The audience at the convention is going to love her and be very impressed by her singing.

MICHAEL thinks for a moment.

MICHAEL: She is a good singer. I have an idea. You can teach kids to lip sync, right?

PAM: I wouldn't know.

MICHAEL: We can record her singing, and then when we find someone more...

MICHAEL turns to TRICIA.

MICHAEL: Do you know what "photogenic" means?

TRICIA shakes her head.

MICHAEL: (turns to PAM) When we find someone more photogenic, she can lip sync to Tricia's very lovely singing. Everyone wins.

PAM is stunned silent. MICHAEL kneels down to talk to TRICIA face to face.

MICHAEL: Have you ever been to a recording studio? It's going to be lots of fun!

DWIGHT enters the office.

DWIGHT: Beets are a superior vegetable!

Okay, I don't know how to write Dwight.

It's somewhat informative from the Rick Warren interviews that the part Obama chose to be vague on was when human life begins thus determining when one is deserving of human rights, and the part McCain chose to be vague on is what defines when someone is rich thus determining when one is deserving of excessive taxation.

Some Operation Rumor Has It suggestions for your reading pleasure. Actual authors may claim credit in the comments if they choose.

You may safely assume that all typos were intentional.

---

Dear Matt, Laura, Melissa, Cathy Zoi, and the rest of the online team of WEsistance fighters and support staff!!!

WE has changed my life and thank you for making this website where I can join in and be a part of GW (global warming) and fighting for our environment!! As one of my "favorites" saved on my computer you are an invaluable asset in this growing campain.

I must warn you of another vicious lie of the GW (Bush) smear machine. In talking with a learned freind (Larry Shitera) about your WE store not having any t-shirt sizes larger than XL and how that might be veiwed as discriminatory aganst the overwieght, he alerted me as to a rumor that the environmental movement was becoming corrupted by a new philosophy called "sizist philosophy" that adheres to the belief that fat people should be actively ignored because of there negative environmental impact due to there size. Well I googled sizist philosophy and found a website called www.sizism.org that explains this in detail and i quote "The environmental movement is naturally opposed to the overweight, and what we mean by "naturally opposed" is that the larger the person, the more gas emissions are released into the atmosphere therefore damaging the ozone and our fragile third planet. Larger people also cause automobiles and other forms of transportation to work harder in order to move their grossly obese bodies due to their extra load bearing capacity; therefore, consuming more than their fair share of the earth's fuel supply." Unquote.

Please help me combat this smear that WE are sizists that porposefully discriminate against larger people due to the "natural" damages larger people cause and there overabundant consumption of our natural and artificial resources.

O! O! O! O in 08!!!!

Thanks to you and write me back!!!
Barry Love

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EVEN THOUGH YOUR WEBSITE GRAPHICS ARE DOMINATED BY PLEASANT LOOKING WHITE PEOPLE IN THEIR BANANA REPUBLIC KHAKIS AND A FAKE SMILE PLASTERED ON THEIR AIRBRUSHED FACES (WHY ARE YOU AFRAID OF A REAL WOMAN? DO I INTIMIDATE YOU?!), YOUR SITE IS A VALUABLE ASSET IN THE FIGHT AGAINST THE ENVIRONMENTAL RAPE OF OUR COUNTRYSIDE BY THE REPUBLICAN-BIG OIL-BUSH REGIME, SO FOR THAT I THANK YOU, ALBEIT WARILY.

I CANNOT SIT IDLY BY WHILE YOUR CAMPAIGN IS BEING ATTACKED BY THE REPUBLICAN PROPAGANDA MACHINE. AS I WRITE THIS, ATROCIOUS AND HIDEOUS LIES ARE BEING CIRCULATED BY A MEDIA AND CYBERMEDIA APPARATUS CONTROLLED BY RIGHT WING GANGSTERS AND THUGS. HOW CAN PEOPLE BE SUCH SHEEP THAT THEY DO NOT SEE THAT THEIR EVERY THOUGHT AND DEED IS MANIPULATED BY NEWT GINGRICH AND HIS CRONIES??!! AS IF THE REST OF THE WORLD DOESN'T RIGHTFULLY SNEER AT US FOR THE SAVAGE, INHUMAN HYPOCRITES THAT WE ARE!! GITMO ISN'T JUST IN CUBA, FOLKS, YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT'S RIGHT HERE IN OUR BACK YARDS.

!@65K4=4,,6U *^%JO8AZ (THAT WAS ME BANGING MY FISTS AGAINST THE KEYBOARD)

WAKE UP, PEOPLE!!!

JENEANE GARAFALO
LIBBERGIRL42@gmail.com

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Excellent. Excellent. Excellent. IT's about time someone tried to rid us of fosul fuels. I can help. There was this guy, Edward Teller, he built the hydrogen bomb and accidentally solved our problem. He used one once to show how it could force unreachable natural gas deposits to the surface--but the stuff was too radiocative to use. That's it----all we do is irradiate the ooil fields. NO MORE OIL FOR BLOOD!!! We make it unusable and we'll have to switch to the hydrogen technology the government has been keeping from us to keep the oligarks in power. TAKE THEM DOWN.
Kepp on truckin'
Corduroy Jones

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So basically Obama's church spent a lot of time on hating whitey, but no time at all on not killing babies?

Finally. Planes that shoot lasers. It's not quite a satellite that shoots lasers because you still have to fly a plane over your target like you're a frick'n caveman, but still very useful.

I like how they say it give them "plausible deniability." If someone drops dead with a hole burnt through him, that doesn't mean America did it; it could have been God Himself. And ideally you want American military attacks to be easily mistaken for the wrath of God.

From Right Wing News, SarahK, and I helped too!

Obama seems to think Clarence Thomas doesn't have enough experience to be president. Can Obama even spell Clarence Thomas?

It seems fashionable for liberals to pronounce Clarence Thomas a lightweight without backing up the statement with an specific examples... unlike the many examples we could give of Obama being a lightweight. I really would be less annoyed with the whole Obama campaign if he just put out honest slogans like, "I'm an experience idiot! Take a chance! Vote Obama!"

Some Operation Rumor Has It suggestions for your reading pleasure. Actual authors may claim credit in the comments if they choose.

You may safely assume that all typos were intentional.

---

Fellow WEezers:

First off, I want to encourage you to keep the faith! WE all know that Chimpy McBushitler and Darth Rove have long been conspring to RAPE our beautiful planet with their phallic oil drills. Well, the time is nigh for our movement. If WE don't do something immidiotly, Gaia will perish as surely as those poor baby harp seals that were found clubbed to death on the outskirts of Crawford, Txas.

Unfortunaterlly, WE don't have the manpower or spines to fight a full-on resistance. But, if there's one thing I learned from countless hours playing Red Faction, it's that you can OVERCOME anything with the right application of rediculous amounts of explosives and bullets. However, being a peace-luvving tree dweller, I cannot openly countenance the death of my fellow amerikkkans.

As the rumor goes, Chimpy and his familiars have Global Warmening fallout shelters. WE must find these lairs and wipe them out!!! All their base are belong to us!!! We must find a way to DESTROY the FASCIST PIGS and save the Earth!!! I can hear Mother Gaia, "Help me, oWE-wan-Kenobi...your my ownly hope."

B3fore it's too late,

Mirakel Bono

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I think you are doing wonderfull work. To many people don't understand that this earth needs to be protcted.

My suggestion has to do with carbonated beverages. I think they should be outlawed. How much Co2 is excaping every day from people drinking carbonated bevrages? Everyone knows they arn't good for you and can rot your teeth or make kids hyper and loud. People can drink fruit juices or water which are much better. I hope you consider my idea. Thanks for your parcipation.

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Dear We,
Im just so happy about this websight and it's fabulous ideas!!! I mean it's just so... like amazing!!! OMG the last time i like saw a website this awesome was when LOGO started theirs!!! But there is one thing I am absolutely horrified to here!!!! Did you know the ignorant right wing crazie people have actually said that John Edwards is STRAIGHT!!!! OMG like WTF, we have always known he was gay, but those ignorant liars are trying to make him seem heterosexual!!!!11 You should stop putting alll your resources into helping the planet for a little while, and try to convince the world that the gay icon, really is a flamer!!! Without him I... wait no WE would be nothing!!1 PLEASE HELP

Love you all, in more ways than one,
Elton (Rainboy) Mercury

---

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PREVIOUS

Doug was ready to give up, but he didn't know how to give up. Nothing he did seemed to make a difference. He kept changing his mind from thinking he was naïve to ever believe his friends were coming for him to horrified at the thought of his friends ending up in this place. He wanted to burn this whole place down, but he feared Ronove was right and that wouldn't make a difference. The misery would always be out there, waiting for him.

Doug thought he heard a sound from the toilet. If it was Chimezie about to tell him to keep up his spirits and that God would answers their prayers soon, Doug was not in the mood. "I don't want to talk right now. It was pretty bad today."

"Did they do it to you too?" Chimezie asked. His voice sounded weak.

"Make it sound like they were torturing someone else?"

"It was Talia," Chimezie said between sobs. "She got here only a little before you and doesn't speak any English. They made we watch, but I was gagged so I couldn't say anything to her."

"You sure it wasn't some trick?"

"Yes!" Chimezie shouted, sounding a little angry.

Doug remembered that Ronove had referred to his experiment on Doug as a "control" case, so maybe it was different for the others.

"I can't take this anymore," Chimezie cried. "I keep praying for an end to this, but nothing ever comes. Maybe the demons won. Maybe He can't hear us anymore."

Doug thought of the barrier, and how Ronove said it blocked them from whatever power may have once been out there. They were truly alone.

Of course, Doug was used to being alone when bigger powers trampled on him. That was life for him. Maybe it wasn't for Chimezie, though, and this was even harder for him. Then again, Doug thought, maybe Chimezie was just another trick trying to break him.

"I've gotten fired from every job I've ever had," Doug said. "Including the real simple ones that even the monkeys can't screw up. Now, I got these giant powers beyond understanding trying to break me. Seems a bit excessive, doesn't it? Do you know why they are doing it, though?"

"No. I do not understand."

"They're doing it because they're afraid of me. They're afraid of us." Doug didn't really believe that, but he wanted to take action, and this was it. "You tell Talia, you tell anyone else you can, that if they want to be a part of Hellbender, they can."

"What does that mean?"

"It means that though they may treat us as worthless losers, together we're... we're... we're losers together. And we're getting out of here. Now."

"Are your friends coming to rescue you?"

"Yeah," Doug said, trying not to hesitate, "but we got to get things ready on our side."

"How?"

"Just leave that to me. Just spread the word. We're Hellbender and we're together."

"I still don't..."

"Just tell everyone!"

Doug stood up and stared at the solid metal door to his cell. Ronove may have been right that Doug's existence was pointless and destined to end in misery, but Doug assured himself that he was too stupid to understand Ronove's arguments to know that for sure. So he ran at full force into the door.

He painfully bounced off of it onto the floor. Doug wished he had a better plan, but he figured there had to be more intelligent people than him imprisoned here and they would have already tried all the smart ideas. His first attempt didn't even rattle the door in the slightest, his full force not even rewarded by a slight vibration. That just meant he would have to hit it even harder. And if that didn't work, he could always try the brick wall.

Doug stood up to prepare for another run, but the door made a noise. He thought maybe he had scared it, but in fact it was being opened. On the other side stood Darius backed by numerous protectors with rifles. They seemed much more moveable than the door or the wall. And, in fact, they were as Darius merely stepped out of the way when Doug charged at him, causing Doug to stumble into a wall out in the hallway.

"And what the hell are you trying to do?" Darius asked.

Doug let himself lay on the ground for a moment to catch his breath. "I don't know." But he seemed to be making progress.

"Well, if you can stop being stupid for a moment, we're going to get you out of here."

Doug picked himself off the ground and met Darius eye to eye. "No deal."

PREVIOUS

A Russian general has said that Poland is "exposing itself to a [nuclear] strike" by accepting a missile defense shield. Stupid Russians. Isn't have a missile defense shield the opposite of exposing yourself to a nuclear strike?

We also have a neato agreement with Poland to come to each other's assistance "in case of trouble." That's cool, because America is always getting into trouble, so it will be nice to no Poland will always be around to help us. And if Poland gets in trouble -- I don't know from what -- it's nice we will help them because people are always telling mean jokes about the Polish.

In related news, I think my dog is plotting to bite me. I don't think it will happen today or necessarily this weekend, but I can see it in her eyes that she's thinking about biting me. I don't know what to do. She has powerful dog jaws. She's unstoppable.

So what do you think we should do about Russia? It was easier when they were Communist; now they're just becoming your average belligerent dictatorship... but bigger. And if they team up with China... well, they could win a lot of medals. We should spread rumors that the Chinese called Russia dumb babies so Russian will be mad and won't want to be friends with them. We should then nuke Iran -- not all of it, just a part of it -- so we can unveil our new nuclear strategy entitled "Nukes Are Fun!" I really hope NASA is hard at work on their lunar payload delivery system, because we may need it soon.

I just hope my dog doesn't bite me. I should trick her into that metal cage we have and lock her inside. Hmm... maybe that strategy would work on Russia if we only had some giant, Russia-sized metal cage. We could keep it in Canada.

Some Operation Rumor Has It paranoia for your reading pleasure. Actual authors may claim credit in the comments if they choose.

You may safely assume that all typos were intentional.

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Dear WE:

Thanks again for all your great work in fighting to return the planet back to the right temperature. I could not find on your Interweb site what the right temperature was, but the skiing in Tahoe was awesome in 1982 so you should use that as a benchmark if nobody has a better one.

I'm concerned now that all of our work to save mother Gaia (PBUH) may be for not, since the Chimpys Haliburton croneys are doing an end-run around our efforts by spraying the atmosphere with chemical trails. I have been reading alot about these "chemtrails", and the evidence seems conclusive.

The chemtrail sprays have various elements in them like CARBON which can used to absorb microwaves. Some of these sprays have metal flakes in them that make aerial craft invisible to radar. I think it's obvoius whats' going on here - instead of doing what Gaia wants and reducing our carbons, the Bush/Cheney axis of evils is spraying Big Oil CARBON into the air as a cloaking device for their surveylance helicopters.

This should be our FIRST PRIORITY. I know that I've heard their BLACK HELICOPTERS watching me in the shower, now I know what they were invisible - CARBON CHEMTRAILS. Now that the science is settled, IT'S TIME TO ACT!!!

Vote Walken 2008,
Percy Dovetonsils

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Doods - seriously AAAWESOME site!!! I cannot thank you dudes enough for taknig action and eliminating carbon from our everyda lifes.

I read somewhere (sorry I dont remember where I read it - I went to a KICKING party saterday night and google has scrubbed their serch results) that BArack Obama was not able to be president bcz where he was born, in hawaii, is now underwater bcz of the oceans rising bcz of global warming. This means he was not born in the united states and so cant be president!!!!!

Please tell me this is NOT true! If it is true, is there anyway we can like pass a law that says He can be president? or can we just make that news storey so that the reporters cant tell everybody about it? I hope this is just a lie by george bush but if it isnt, we HAVE TO STOP IT from keeping Barack Obama from being president!!!!!!!

Jacob Hussein McCandles
Change We Can Beleive In

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Dear WE,

You guys are doing such a great job, everyone around me can't stop talking about how great we is! That is why you need to do something about Matthew Vadum!

I keep reading articuls on the internet that this guy wrote . Just because he won an award for outstanding journalism doesn't mean he has the write to accuse Al Gore (or as I like to call him, Allah) of promoting GW just to make a profit! He says Al has a company selling carbon credits, is this true? This guys says Al is just making a market for his credits!

We needs to go get this guy and sit him on the couch with Al Sharptun and talk some sense into him! I will not sit ideally by and listen to this stupid stupid man berate you're glorious cause!

From the land of sky blue waters,
Tommy "ecoman" Boggins

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Like those? Say so.

Think you can do better? Then do so.

Submit your Operation Rumor Has It rumor to the WEtard contact page, then send a copy to me at WEsistance@gmail.com for possible future publication at IMAO (if it doesn't suck too terribly bad).

The Gaia-goblins are in a frinjabulous tizzy because President Bush is planning on making a few small, unilateral alterations to the Endangered Species Act. Honestly, they're just brain-sploding and blowing things all out of proportion (SURPRISE!). All Bush actually wants to do is remove protections for animals that:

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Tough luck, Shelob. You're on your own, now.

* are too slow or stupid to dodge heavy construction equipment

* taste like chicken

* aren't cute enough to have their own Beanie Baby

* can earn their keep performing at SeaWorld or Busch Gardens

* can't reproduce in captivity even with the help of Viagra and species-specific porn - looking your way, Ling Ling.

* can't figure out how to build a nest on the ledge of a high-rise apartment because it doesn't have branches.

* can get a job as a mascot for a chocolate-covered ice-cream treat.

* transform nicely into high-quality rugs, wall-hangings, ashtrays, or hat racks.

* nobody except zoology majors and hippies has ever heard of.

* have body parts that can be ground up and sold as aphrodisiacs to horny Asian men.

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I've heard that Bush is still looking for other categories to exclude, so if you drop suggestions in the comments, I'll make sure he gets them.

We've been doing a lot of exploration and study of Mars lately, but I think we've been avoiding the main question we have at hand: Should we start transforming it into a prison planet?

It would seem the perfect solution once Gitmo shuts down. We just start sending all the terrorists to Mars, the prison planet. And we won't have to register sex offenders because we'll know where they all are: On the prison planet.

Will this be expensive? Of course not. That's the point of a prison planet. You don't need guards or anything because there's no way off. Plus, if they want their shipments of food to continue, they better mine lots of gold and diamonds (platinum will also be acceptable). What about if they kill each others? Well, I think everyone just accepts that as just part of being a prison planet. And why not just make the moon a prison planet? Because it's a satellite, not a planet.

So what if the Democrats object to this new plan? Well, guess where those against our new world order go? That's right: The prison planet. They'll have to tough it out with all those felons they want to give the vote to.

Anyway, I hope NASA announces their prison planet plans at their next news conference. It's the step really needed to revitalize our interest in space and to once again get children to dream of all the possibilities of space travel.

So, it's looking to me like men's synchronized diving is by far the gayest Olympic competition. You have pairs of men wearing almost nothing trying to move in "beautiful" precision. One of the main competitors was this old Russian guy who had been stabbed multiple times, though.

I still couldn't help but root for the Americans, but they didn't stand a chance against the Chinese. Apparently they dominate in all the synchronized competitions thanks to China's cracking down on individuality.

PREVIOUS

"You better hope I never get these cuffs off, or I will kill each and every one of you."

Charlene sighed. "Lulu, shut up."

The transport they were on had made a landing. In the back with them were Lara and three other devotees of Elza, some wearing Protector uniforms and the others what looked like medical garb. Bryce was pretty certain they were in a caravan, though, and thus there would be more of them at the destination. "So have you been working for these psychos the whole time?" Bryce asked Lara.

"Let's just say my resume is complicated."

"So what do you gals have planned for us? Is it weird sexual things? If so, I'm game, and I'm sure Lulu will keep an open mind."

"Bryce, you can shut up too," Charlene said.

Lulu glared at Charlene. "I always knew something like this would happen because you're a stuck up bitch, and that's why I kept telling the others we needed to one day just drive you out into the middle of the woods and leave you there. Doug was against it though, because he's stupid."

"I was ambivalent on the issue," Bryce said.

"We've been playing a kids game for a very long time," Charlene answered. "I decided to grow up."

"Then why are you still so short?" Lulu retorted.

"Hello, ladies," a rough looking man said as he entered the transport. He was followed by two other men wearing Protector uniforms.

This wasn't something Bryce had planned for. "I have to say, you are some ugly looking women."

Colette entered after them having traded her evening gown for something more combat worthy. She looked at the handcuffed Lulu and Bryce and then Charlene. Finally, she turned to Lara. "What the hell are they doing here?"

Lulu smiled. "Hey! You got your hand back!"

"Are you guys working together?" Bryce asked. "Since we technically work for Dammon too, we're all on the same side. No reason for us to be cuffed, then."

"Yes. Get my cuffs off so I can give everyone a hug," Lulu said.

The transport began to take off. Colette looked to Lara again. "Will you explain to me why we don't just toss these idiots out the door as soon as we reach altitude?"

Lara shrugged. "Because that would be violent, and we're all pacifists."

Colette looked at Charlene. "And she's on your side now?"

"She's a filthy, mudblood traitor!" Lulu shouted.

"Your group was never organized enough to be betrayed." Colette said. "So, do you have any idea what they're keeping you alive for?"

"I'm sticking with my guess of weird sex stuff," Bryce answered. "You know how murderous lesbians are."

Lara looked offended. "Who said we're lesbians? Just because a group of women get together for violent purposes doesn't mean they're lesbians. If a group of men get together for military purposes, do you assume they're homosexuals?"

"Well... uh..."

"Don't fall for her lesbian mind tricks," Lulu whispered to Bryce.

"Prepare for flying over the wasteland," the driver said.

"And how do we prepare for that?" Lara asked.

"Just don't freak out, I guess," the driver answered.

Bryce looked out a window and could see the black of the wasteland. It was his understanding that there was a specific high-altitude path through the wasteland that allowed access to Ronove's lab. Bryce hoped the Amazons knew what they were doing, as the darkness swirled as if preparing to consume them. "So how does one break apart reality?"

"I hear every time you try to divide by zero on a pocket calculator, you break apart a piece of reality," Lulu said.

Lara moved to look out the window. "You know, I've never actually heard of anyone actually being killed in the wastelands."

"That's because the creatures inside of it rip you from reality so it's like you never existed," Lulu explained.

Colette scoffed. "And where did you hear that?"

"I read it in a science magazine," Lulu replied. "I also hear that pi equals exactly three in there, and if you even look at a circle while in the wasteland, your head will explode."

"This is a real professional operation, huh?" one of the men griped.

"This certainly wasn't my planning," Bryce said. "I can just tell this is going to be a big disaster." In fact, he was going to make certain of that. He looked again out the window at the swirling darkness waiting to annihilate anything it touched, and he smiled.

NEXT

WASHINGTON (AP) - The McCain campaign today admitted that the "Celebrity" attack ad supposedly released by the Obama campaign in retaliation for the "Celebrity" attack ad recently released by the McCain campaign, was actually just a parody ad released by the McCain campaign.

"McCain exhibits his deft touch at good-natured self-mockery."

"John's always had a great sense of humor," said McCain campaign spokesman Jeff Sadosky, "and after the Paris Hilton 'Celebrity' parody ad, John suggested we make a parody of our own - like it was done by the Obama campaign. Trouble is, we may have done it TOO good, since a lot of Obama supporters didn't get the joke and thought it was a REAL Obama ad. I guess Democrats really ARE as stupid as we think."

McCain's campaign issued a press release today, listing some of the "tip-offs" that this wasn't a real Obama ad:

* Blatant rip-off of the flash bulb effect from the original McCain 'Celebrity' ad.

* McCain Featured with famous liberal comedians David Letterman, Whoopi Goldberg, Jay Leno, Steve Carell, and the whole crew of Saturday Night Live, thus creating positive emotional connections with the vaguely-liberal swing-voter bloc.

* McCain is consistently shown in this commercial smiling, laughing, being cheerful, and giving thumbs up while humorously upbeat music plays in the background. Normal attack ads show grim, dour images of the attackee in black & white backed by somber - almost funereal - piano chords.

* McCain laughs boisterously while the words "NOTHING FOR YOU" appear under him, in a VERY obvious allusion to lolcats.

* The exaggeratedly amateurish use of the same video clip flipped horizontally to show McCain "lurching to the right, then the left".

* Pro-McCain image of "drilling here, drilling now".

* Two uses of the word "old", including one in text right underneath his name, an homage to Paris Hilton's "He's the oldest celebrity in the world" line.

* When Obama's picture is finally shown at the end, the music stops as if to say "Party's over. No more good times in America."

"I don't know what more we could've done to give it away," said Sadosky, "unless we had a line in there about John 'Sidney' McCain having a funny name and not having hair like the other presidents on US currency."

So Russia is evil and violent. Who knew?

This, of course, is very bad for Georgia, but it's also very bad for Obama. The more often people remember there are problems in the world that can't be fixed through smiles and trite sayings, the more people who will be apprehensive about voting for Obama. This is the sort of crisis that gives a solid argument for McCain, too. I talked to a McCain supporter and an Obama supporter asking them to tell me why their candidate would be best to handle this, and here's what they said:

MCCAIN SUPPORTER: "Though not everyone likes McCain, they have to admit he's a tough bastard who has shown before he knows how to react to foreign crises when lives are on the line. Russia should be intimidated about overstepping themselves too much if McCain is in charge."

OBAMA SUPPORTER: "Obama should be able to handle this crisis because he has such a sweet smile and a cute button nose. And look how his ears stick out; isn't he adorable! I just want to hug him and squeeze him and never let go!"

So, do you all think we'll finally get that war with Russia we were all expecting during the eighties? Probably still not a good idea, huh?

As you've probably heard by now, China had a little girl lip sync their national anthem because the little girl who actually sang it has buck teeth. The craziest part to me is how China just comes out and says it's in their "national interest" to make sure the little girl singing their national anthem isn't ugly by their standards because, you know, that's what we're all judging their primitive, totalitarian regime on. I'm really worried China is going to take this whole Olympics thing as an indication we accept their government for what it is when really we all mock it as a socially-retarded, anachronistic tragedy like something out of the stone age or the Middle East.

I know what we should do. We should steal their pandas. That's the one thing China can hold over other countries. "If you want pandas, you be nice to us!" The pandas we have in the States are actually on loan from China. We don't own any pandas. That needs to change. We need to come out and declare that those pandas are now property of the U.S. We should also send in troops to liberate all the other pandas China has. They're probably just executing the ones that aren't cute enough anyway. Yeah, let's see how China does up there all alone without their precious pandas.

Plenty of room for reader submissions next week, and no more excuses about "I don't know how to make them":

Use the free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

Meanwhile, pass 'em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don't be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.

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[reference link]

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PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won't end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

HAT TIP: Snapped Shot for handy links to ripe-for-captioning photos.

Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and - if they aren't obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don't suck too terribly bad - I'll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

Scientists think they have figured out how to make a warp drive, which is good because I've always said we need to find other planets with life on them and drill there for oil. Also, people won't care so much about ruining "pristine" wilderness here by drilling if we have like infinite other planets to choose from.

The problem with doing warp speed has always been Einstein. I don't know if this has happened to you, but often I'm watching something like Star Trek and say, "Wow! That's cool!" when the ships zoom off faster than light. Then Einstein bursts into the room and yells, "It's impossible! Theory of relativity! It would take infinite energy to get mass to move at the speed of light, bitches!"

And I'm like, "SHUT UP EINSTEIN AND LET ME DREAM!!!"

The idea here, though, is to completely bypass that jerk Einstein by not having the ship move at all and instead just fold space by manipulating the 11th spatial dimension in front of and behind the ship. It's like super simple.

I know what you're thinking. "That would take like more energy than there is in the universe to do!" Uh-uh. It would only take about as much energy as if you converted all the mass of Jupiter to energy through E=mc^2. It's totally doable... as long Einstein doesn't try and figure some way to stop us. But he's currently lost his dimensional anchor and is concurrently existing it all dimensions at once, fluctuating between them so fast as not to exist at all. As long as some mad scientists isn't foolhardy enough to try and return Einstein's stability, we'll all be fine.

So let's get working on that warp drive. It will take a lot of oil to power it, so we better start drilling now.

Tom Matzzie of Accountable America is planning on sending threatening letters to Republican donors to scare them away from helping conservatives causes. Iowahawk received one, and it does look like it could have an effect.

Apparently Obama is going to announce his running mate via text message. So I guess the announcement will be something like:

wes clark is my new bff! kthxbai

Remind me: Is he running for president of the United States or high school class president?

PREVIOUS

Concentrate. You have to be smarter than you are to get through this. People are--

Doug was distracted by something interesting. He was being led to a lab again by men much larger than himself, but when he got there he saw that Ronove was occupied talking to someone familiar looking. It was Darius, and he had with him black-garbed Protectors holding rifles -- the first guns he had recalled seeing in this place.

"I am not interested in Amsod's conflicts with the others," Ronove said, seeming quite displeased while appearing emotionless as ever.

"Yet they are interested in what you are doing here, especially so for the cube." Darius motioned towards the thing which was in a glass container. "We are quite certain that Serpine has tasked Loch to attack us and get it."

"Do they have any idea what it is?" Doug asked.

Darius quietly approached Doug and looked him over. He then turned back to Ronove. "And what again is the purpose of this human?"

"If nothing else, he's an interesting test subject." Ronove went back to work at a computer. "Keep your forces here if you must, but be careful with those guns. Death will adversely affect my experiments. Being a unnatural reflection of a human, your presence alone is throwing off my instrumentation. And if Loch does come, let me try and deal with him before you do anything rash. Please go now."

Darius started to leave with his soldier, but Doug called out to him, "Do you know they're torturing innocent people here?"

Darius stopped to take one more glance at Doug before continuing on his way.

"So you don't care?" No one seemed to Doug to care around here. "Jerk."

"Strap him to the table," Ronove ordered, his attention still on his computer.

The two men escorting Doug took off his handcuffs and strapped him to an examination table.

"That is all," Ronove said, and the men left.

"So what now?" Doug asked. Some device popped up next to his head and began to make a humming noise. He didn't think he felt anything. "So, should my soul be dying now or what?"

Ronove walked behind the table, out of Doug's view. "You are all so impatient."

Doug could see the cube from his position and tried to reach out with his soul to do something... except once again he had no idea how to do that or what exactly he'd be doing. "I think you need to turn it up, because I don't feel anything this time."

Doug noticed a different sound. He first thought it was something Ronove was doing, but it was muffled as if from a different room. Slowly, Doug realized what the sound was: It was a woman weeping softly. "Who is that?"

"Who is what?"

The sobbing turned to a weak cry. "...please stop..."

"What are you doing to her?" Doug yelled as he tested his binds.

"Oh; that. I know you like to think you're special, but do I have other tests going on," Ronove said. "Just ignore it; it's no one you know."

"...please..." The voice became more urgent, and the crying louder.

"Whatever you're doing to her, stop it!" Doug screamed. The woman continued to cry, sounding not in pain but certainly in intense misery. Ronove gave no response.

"...just stop... please..." She sounded like she was barely hanging on but had no energy left for anything but sobbing.

"You said you want to destroy my soul, you coward!" Doug struggled to free himself, but he was strapped in so tight he could barely squirm. "Stop doing it to her and do it to me!"

Ronove remained silent.

"...please... I can't.... please..."

Doug had very little energy from his captivity, but he struggled with all the might he could muster. "I swear I'll... I'll..."

Ronove finally walked in front of Doug. "What could you possibly do to me?"

"I saw you!" Doug yelled. "You're nothing compared to me."

"...stop... please..."

"Is that so." Ronove hobbled over to a console and turned a dial.

The woman's sobbing became a cry. "PLEASE STOP IT!"

Doug just stared on in horror.

Ronove turned back to him. "If you're so powerful, then stop me."

Doug couldn't move. He couldn't do anything. There was only one thing left he knew of to try. "Please, God... Jesus -- if you exist -- please stop this!"

Ronove turned the knob again. The crying became even louder, and the pleas turned to hysterical gibberish. "I don't think that did the trick, Doug."

Doug could barely see through his tears. "I WILL GET YOU FOR THIS! I WILL FIGURE OUT HOW TO HURT YOU!"

Ronove turned the knob back, and the woman's cry faded to its original light sobbing. "These physical ears can only take so much of that." Ronove limped over to Doug. "Would you like me to explain what I'm doing to her? I'm merely making her experience what it's like for the human soul and body to become disjoined. The misery you heard is exactly what all the billion of humans who died before you are experiencing as we speak... except no one hears their pleas."

"...please... enough..."

Doug was crying now too. "You made your point. I can't do anything. Now stop it... please."

"Fine." Ronove walked over and banged his fist against the wall. "That's enough, dear. You did a very good job."

"Thank you, sir," the woman answer, a slight laugh at the end of her answer.

Doug's mind almost shut down for a moment trying to comprehend.

"One of my employee's is aspiring to be an actress," Ronove said. "Do you think she has a future, Doug?"

The despair was once again replaced with rage.

"You tortured yourself in your inability to help her, and now I'm guessing your imagining the violence you could do to her. Am I right?"

He was, but Doug didn't answer. He was too defeated.

Ronove walked over to the cube. "You saw this for what it really is the other day, didn't you?" He now came near Doug. "When you talk to your religious friend again, you tell him of that infinite barrier... that void. You tell him of where everyone's pleas disappear into."

Doug couldn't even muster anger at Ronove anymore. "Why?"

"I won't claim to know the answer to that. What I do know for certain is that if you want any escape from this, I am your only hope. Perhaps you'll understand enough to give me your gratitude before the end." Ronove walked back to his computer and pushed a button. The device near Doug's head ceased its hum. "You were a control case, but I think I got some quite useful data." He looked to Doug, and the corners of his mouth slowly stretched out into an unworldly smile. "Now I know exactly how to proceed."

NEXT

"You get out of Georgia! That's where we make Coca Cola!" President Bush yelled at Putin.

"That's a different Georgia, man of stupid brain," Putin answered. "Georgia is its own country."

"What? Did they secede again? Is it over slavery? If so, screw 'em."

"You can do nothing to Russia," Putin laughed. "Your country is weak."

"We are totally not!" Bush yelled. "You take that back, Dobby!"

"We will see how you do at game, then we will see if you have power to back up your threats."

"Yeah, we will see!" Bush sat back down next to Laura to watch women's beach volleyball.

"You need to calm down and enjoy the games," Laura said.

"I can't calm down. We have to show strength to the Russian!" He cupped his hands around his mouth and shouted. "Hit it in bounds, you stupid sluts!"

"You're a bit tightly wound," Laura said. "You need to relax."

"I can't! The Russians are causing trouble and I just know that the Chinese are up to something. I'm going to send the Secret Service to check the rafters of our room for ninjas."

"Again?" Laura exclaimed. "If you were going to be so worried about ninjas here, you never should have come."

"I didn't know before I came here how often I'd think I see ninjas up in the trees," Bush responded. "Also, I'm pretty sure every place around here is haunted."

"That's just because everything here is built on the mass graves of dissidents and homeless people," Laura said. "Stop worrying."

"But the homeless are good haunters!" Bush exclaimed. "They're use to have no fixed place to exist!" He looked back to the game. "Why can't you bitches keep it in bounds?!"

"Your country is weak!" Putin yelled.

"Just wait until you see Michael Phelps swim!" Bush retorted. He then whispered to Laura, "I hear he's the illegitimate son of Aquaman."

"I thought Aquaman is gay?"

"You shut up!" Bush yelled angrily. A secret service agent walked up to them. "I got your hot dog."

"Goody!" Bush unwrapped it. He was startled to see chopsticks came with it. "What in the world is this? I bet it's some sort of Chinese death threat!"

"If you're so worried that the Chinese led us here just to kill us all, why don't you ask them about it," Laura suggested.

"I did! They told me that if they're planning to kill us all, that their internal affairs and no concerns of ours." He turned to his Secret Service agent. "I don't trust the Chinese. If you see any Chinese around me, you kill them."

"Just watch the game, dear," Laura said.

"Okay." Bush watched the game for a few moments. "Why can't you hussies keep it in the blue line?!"

"Russia has nothing to fear from weak Americans!" Putin laughed.

"Rarr!" Bush growled. "I should have known the Russians were going to be warmongering from all the Tom Clancy videogames I've played."

"According to those, how do things turn out in the end?" Laura asked.

"We all die. Repeatedly. They were very hard games." Bush took a deep breath. "I bet I know how the Chinese are going to kill us. It's the air. They've poisoned the air, and a couple weeks of breathing it will cause us to drop dead soon after we get back."

Luara rolled here eyes. "That one we knew before coming." She looked back to the game. "Keep it in bounds, you whores!"

I declare Operation Needs More PC a success.

Or at least fun.

Now it's time for:

OPERATION RUMOR HAS IT

The Premise: Inspired by Obama's Fight the Smears site, you've noticed that the Vast Right Wing Smear Machine aka the Right Wing Media aka every news outlet except NPR (and you're starting to wonder about THEM, too) is spreading some unconscionable lie about Environmentalism in general or its proponents in particular, and it's time for WE to fight back!

Suggested format:

1) Brief mention of your love of WE.

2) Mention some crazy rumor that you've heard (feel free to cite sources or include a link if you're not just completely making it up) and insist that WE start diverting all available resources to fighting this grave assault on the TRUTH! As always, try to keep it under 200 words to encourage folks to pass it around.

3) Sign off with some cliche lefty slogan and your hippie alias.

Feel free to leave in a few typos and misspellings, just for flavor.

Sample letter:

Dear WE,

I'm so grateful that WE is (are?) finally out there spreading the TRUTH about global warmming! But it saddens me that you won't respond directly to the rightwing fasists and deniers out there spreading their LIES!

ABC news claims that Al Gore's utility bill is 30000 dollars a year which is just a LIE! I know for a FACT that Al Gore does eveything he can to keep his carbon footprint smaller than a bronze baby bootie! Is it his fault that the theives in Big Oil are overchaging him for his electricty? I KNOW he doesn't use any more than anyone else, and a LOT less than those who are getting RICH off $4 a gallon gas.

I think you should have a page to FIGHT THE SMEARS! Just like Obama.

SCREAM truth to power!
Autumn Ariel Juspeczyk

As before, you don't HAVE to be a member of WE to participate in Operation Rumor Has it, but if you ARE signed up, it puts pressure on them to take you seriously, and there's nothing more pathetically funny than a conflicted liberal.

After you leave your suggestion with WE, send a copy of it to me at wesistance@gmail.com. If I find your entry to be brief, subtle, and at least moderately amusing, I'll post it at IMAO so that others may enjoy it also.

BONUS LINKS (as requested by slapout):
Hippie Chick Name Generator
Hippie Dude Name Generator

So Obama is responding to the charge that's he an empty celebrity with "I know you are, but what am I." I already knew Obama had the brain of a four-year-old, but I guess his campaign staff isn't any better. Have they come up with even one memorable ad yet? Paris Hilton has.

The last of the Operation Needs More PC letters for your reading pleasure.

New Mission later this morning.

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[The ever-annoying Cathy Zoi of WE asked this man for money - Ed.]

Dear Cathy,
Thank you sooooo much for contacting me about this exciting new website that makes such a difference as to saving our planet from GW and getting the word out about awareness of these issues, I have WE save on my favorites because I want to be a part of this exciting campain so that WE can STOP GW NOW!!!

A couple of weeks ago I sent in an issue/request/suggestion about your website, can you tell me if there has been any progress made on the issue/request/suggestion I brought up? Because I know it would go a long way to making your website more welcoming to a large amount of people than you are experiencing now. In case that e-mail was not passed to you, here it is in it's intirety:
*****************
Hi WE!

Awesome site, I have u on my favorites on my computer because I know u make a DIFFERENCE in reducing gw NOW and I want to be a part of it!!

Question: you may want to rethink your t-shirts selection in your WE store, in that you only offer sizes up to XL and this may exclude some of our heavier members who would find these sizes too snug, but still want to show there support for the WE movement but may be offended by this ommission. In order to be sensitive to these larger people we should offer greater sizes. I myself know some people that would be interested in showing support for WE but would be uncomfortable in those tight shirts due to there size.

Please adress this situation in the name of fairness.
Thanks! Ö'in 08!
Barry Love
*****************
As you can see, this is an important consideration for your website because if we discriminate against heavy people then it sets a bad example in that where do you draw the line in whom you discriminate against, and there should be no discrimination especially from this website? As of the last time I went to the WE website there has been no change on this issue. Please respond as soon as you can and let me know the plans for correcting this injustice.

Thanks again, and here's to the WEvolution!

Barry Love

---

This has got to be one of the more well done political satire sites I've ever come across. The farcical solutions to nonexistent climate emergencies, the bogus "feel good" success stories, the usual celebrity endorsements, the dire consequences of inaction scare tactics. You've tickled all the g-spots of the "touchy, feely, not much thinky" crowd. Identifying that "carbon sasquatch", Al Gore as the guiding force of this endeavor is the cherry on the sundae. It's like naming Brittany Spears as the new babysitter. I actually think that the well meaning fools who believe in this garbage could come away from this site with the realization that we can't conserve or renew our way out of energy dependence without drilling, refining and coal mining also.

Herpules

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End mission. Recall all agents for new assignment.

MoveOn.org is giving away free Obama buttons.

However, TANSTAAFL applies here (as everywhere), so if you order one, you're forcing them to piss away valuable time and money. Plus your name & address gets on a mailing list that goes to other lefty organizations which will also piss away valuable time & money sending you stuff that you can also wrap in plastic and throw into a landfill.

Frankly, I'm not seeing a downside here.

[Hat tip: Freemon Sandlewould]

Mention in Passing

The new Obama hand sign [via MarcoMancuso]:

If this were me personal blog, I'd photoshop a hand on either side of that, but since this site is technically PG-13, I'll just say "Goatse.cx", and link the Wikipedia article with the written description.

The actual picture is only for consenting adults who love each other very much, are in a committed relationship, and have strong stomachs. You can Google it yourself, although be aware that it will leave scars.

Meanwhile, There's a PG-15 bitch-slap in the extended entry...

Read More...

On Obama's Fight the Smears site, they complain about a currently-circulating e-mail on Obama's tax policy, and they quote FactCheck.org as follows:

"This widely distributed message is so full of misinformation that we find it impossible to believe that it is the result of simple ignorance or carelessness on the part of the writer. Almost nothing it says about Obama's tax proposals is true. We conclude that this deception is deliberate."

Coincidentally, I have EXACTLY the same reaction whenever Obama speaks.

Three more chapters.

So stop bothering me.

(Though, admittedly, bothering does motivate me to do things.)

Conservatism Today put out a list of the top twenty-four conservative blogs, and IMAO came in at number twenty.

So, where does IMAO rank among your favorite blogs? Be as blunt as possible; that's more fun!

Harvey got banned the other day. Not sure how that happened, but I'm pretty sure he's supposed to have access to the site. I wonder if the comment spam filter is on the fritz.

Anyway, I'm worried other people may have been banned. I very rarely ever ban anyone, and it's usually preceded by something like, "You're banned! DIE!!!" So, if you can't comment on IMAO, make sure to e-mail me and include your IP so I can try to figure out what happened.

"On today's agenda," Dick Cheney announced at the meeting of Big Oil, "Evil!"

"We should raise prices again!" Skeletor suggested.

"Excellent!" Cheney said. "Anymore ideas for evil?"

"We should propose drilling in more national parks," Black Manta stated. "How about Disney World?"

"Great idea," Cheney said. "But there is still the problem of Barack Obama. Let's face it: We're no match for his hope and change."

"I can handle him," Lex Luthor remarked. He held up a strange looking device. "This is my new shrink ray I've perfected. With it we can shrink Barack Obama down to miniature size."

Cheney touch his fingertips together and smiled with glee. "And then we can place him in our pocket!"

"Robble robble robble!" the Hamburglar agreed.

"Muh ha ha ha!"

* * * *

Obama played with toy trucks in a sandbox. "I'm going to be a fireman when I grow up!" he exclaimed.

Cheney wearing a mustache disguise approached Obama. He held out a wad of bills. "I have a campaign contribution for you if you come with me."

"Ooh!" Obama exclaimed. He reached for the bills, but then he took a long look at Cheney. "Something seems to be suspicious about you."

"I also have a lollipop for you." Cheney held up a Tootsie Roll.

"Yay!" Obama ran to follow Cheney.

* * * *

"So, in conclusion, real hope and change means letting the oil companies drill wherever they want and randomly raise prices for no reason," Obama told the press. "Also, we should destroy all alternative energy cars with hammers and fire. This is what I support, and what I've always supported."

"Should we conclude anything by the fact that you're giving this speech from Dick Cheney's front pocket?" a reporter asked.

"You're a racist!" Obama responded.

"Robble robble robble!" the Hamburglar agreed.

WASHINGTON (AP) - With Paris Hilton now leading Barack Obama in the polls after releasing her first campaign ad, the Obama campaign has decided to boost his celebrity status by "leaking" a series of sex tapes featuring Barack and Michelle.

"Feel the change?"

"Hilton is a badly-aging, horse-faced, empty-skirt, spoiled-rotten, rich-bitch celebrity with no discernable singing, acting, or modeling talent," said Obama campaign spokesman Bill Burton, "yet she's now crushing Obama in the polls within 24 hours of throwing her hat - or in this case, her chihuahua - into the ring. Although this technically gives her both more political AND foreign policy experience than Obama, we suspect the true cause of these discomforting numbers is that Ms. Hilton has a sex tape, while Mr. Obama does not."

To ensure that Obama regains his position as "biggest celebrity in the world", staffers have been taping Barack & Michelle's nocturnal romps, and plan to release clips anonymously to the internet throughout the fall campaign at the rate of about one a week. Videos expected to be released this month include "YES! YES! YES WE CAN!", "Inflating the Tire, and "A Little Offshore Drilling".

"Unlike the Hilton tape," said Burton, "these won't be grainy, badly-audioed, night-vision images. We've spent over $30 million on post-production - written off as a 'campaign expense', of course - to make these movies HD quality. You'll be able to actually count the hairs growing out of the mole on Michelle's... well, you'll be able to count them."

Many campaign contributors who got wind of the planned video releases were angered by their high cost. "We had to explain that we needed to hire Pixar to, uh, enhance some of Barack's shortcomings as an actor in these films," Burton said. "Yeah, he's half black, but unfortunately it's the top half, if you know what I mean."

[reference link]

McCain has come out to support the building of more nuclear power plants. This is good, because we're going to need more power plants to charge all those gay electric cars people say they want, and nuclear plants are the pollution-free way to make power... as long as you don't consider nuclear waste pollution. And I don't because it's in barrels making it easy to ship to some other country so it becomes their problem.

Anyway, I think there are a lot of misperceptions about nuclear power, so I'll answer some questions.

NUCLEAR POWER FAQ

Q. How does nuclear power work?
A. Donkeys are tied to a large crank which powers a generator. The donkeys are then exposed to radioactive material turning them into super donkeys who can turn the crank at tremendous speeds.

Q. What is the waste it produces?
A. That would be the radioactive donkey poo. It's removed from the donkey chamber through a series of chutes and pulleys, which is good because you really don't want to get that on your shoes.

Q. What happens to the nuclear waste?
A. It's put into metal barrels and then the word "DANGER" is written on it in big red letters. The barrels are then placed in seemingly random locations as witnessed in first-person shooters.

Q. What causes a "nuclear meltdown"?
A. That would be when one of the super donkeys becomes crazy with its power, i.e., has a meltdown, and starts attacking everything, often by shooting lasers out its eyes. This can be difficult to stop as usually the super donkey cannot be harmed by mere bullets.

Q. What steps will new nuclear plants take to avoid a meltdown?
A. The best idea is to switch super donkeys before they become mad with power. Nuclear scientists have found that the easiest way to get rid of the donkeys is to take them to Mexico and put a sign on them saying, "Free donkey." There is some concern, though, of this causing an increase in illegal immigration due to Mexicans fleeing all the donkeys shooting lasers out their eyes.

Q. How does nuclear power compare to other forms of power?
A. Well, it has more radioactive stuff in it. I don't know what you're getting at with this question.

Q. How does it compare to solar power?
A. It's not as gay... in that's it's not something you'd look at and say to yourself, "I bet a homosexual came up with this idea." Also, it can work at night. If we had solar power and an evil sorcerer cast a spell to put the world in eternal night, not only would we have to deal with constant vampire attacks, but we'd have no power too.

Q. How does it compare to wind power?
A. What are we? Holland? Are we going to start wearing wooden shoes too? Plus, wind varies (just like sunlight) while radiated donkeys are much more consistent.

Q. Why is there opposition to nuclear power?
A. Well, the Democrats are against it because it's useful, and their main constituency is hippies who are huge into uselessness. Also, animal rights activists are against it to even though donkeys get radiated in the wild like all the time. None of these people are very big, though, so you can just push them to the ground if they get too noisy.

I hope you learned something about nuclear power. That what IMAO is there for. For learning.

Obama has returned from his Rock Star Superstar World Tour with a badly swelled head, so I thought I'd stick a pin in his over-inflated ego so he can get he hubris-bloated melon through the O-Force One doorway.

Next week: back to regular terrorist-bashing.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.

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[reference link]

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PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won't end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

HAT TIP: Snapped Shot for handy links to ripe-for-captioning photos.

Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and - if they aren't obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don't suck too terribly bad - I'll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

Why do you think the Democrats are against drilling? If we have oil, you drill for it. That's something you learn in kindergarten. It's basic logic. So why are Democrats against something so good and basic?

Are they protecting the interests of mole people over those of humans?

I've long suspected that the Democrats are in the pockets of the mole people. I bet if you look at their donations, you'll find lots of it comes from underground. The disgusting mole people hate us for our success -- just like terrorists and liberals -- and are probably using the Democrats as an instrument against us -- just like terrorists and liberals. Plus, they don't want us to have their precious oil which they worship as a god.

I bet Pelosi is actually a mole person herself. She does always shriek when her beady eyes encounter sunlight. We really need to have some sort of committee identifying and jailing Communists and mole people hiding in our government. I will head up that committee, but I won't do it for government pay. At no extra charge, I'll also test for replicants. Think about it.

A more apt Presidential Seal for Obama:

From Minta of A Few Shiny Pebbles

Tell me if this crosses the line.

Based on McCain's statement that he's glad the US exported $158 million worth of cigarettes to Iran because it kills Iranians, I suggested he adopt the catchphrase:

Have another cigarette, raghead.

It occurred to me today:

He could use it on Obama, too.

The whole stunt the House Republicans pulled Friday to keep debating drilling after the Democrats left for vacation actually reminded me of why I ever liked Republicans in the first place. I even heard that, after the lights were turned out, Shadegg actually hacked the system to get the microphones back on for a brief bit.

The Democrats were furious. When Pelosi was asked about it, she reportedly turned to the camera, shook her fist, and screamed, "Republicans!"

Michelle Malkin has some ideas of what the Republicans can do as follow up, but here is my idea: A huge heist caper ala Ocean's Eleven. The House Republican can combine their individual skills to break into the IRS building and stealing all the tax money from its vaults to give back to the taxpayers. It will be hilarious! The Democrats won't know about it, and when Pelosi has a big ceremony to open the IRS vault to give billions in tax money for abortions for the gay community, she'll find it empty! She'll probably turn to the camera, shake her fist, and scream, "Republicans!"

Another idea is for the Republicans to rig the House voting system so it registers a "Yes" vote as a "No" and vice versa. Then the Republicans can introduce a really unpopular bill and get the Democrats to pass it. Can you imagine Pelosi's face when she sees the voting result on drilling for oil in the heads of baby polar bears and find, on a party line vote, it was overwhelmingly passed by the Democrats. She'll probably turn to camera, shake her fist, and scream, "Republicans!"

So what do you think the House Republicans should do to help get their mojo back?

Zo takes on Barack Obama in a battle of wits and fists (and lightsabers!):

I'm guessing a video depicting someone beating up Barack Obama would be considered racist if Zo weren't also black.

Operation Needs More PC - Part 8

Some Operation Needs More PC suggestions for your reading pleasure. Actual authors may claim credit in the comments if they choose.

You may safely assume that all typos were intentional.

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Rock on WE,

You guys are finally realizing the need to do something about warming up the earth. Welcome aboard.

I think we should shoot for about 3-4 degrees more and then stop. No? This will shorten the winters dramatically and help provide a longer growing season. I think this is more viable than using grow lamps.

My Ideal is to smooth out the differences between winter and summer buy using a buffer. Something that would absorb CO2 in the summer and release it in the winter. What would be better than hemp?? We plant a crop of hemp in the spring let it absorb all the C02 in the summer and then over the cooler months we burn it to release the CO2 and warm things back up.

One small complaint however, no one on your website appears to be wearing any hemp clothing. I could go on for hours about its nobility and versatility in making our sojourn at one with the earth. A hemp vest or fanny pack would look smart and socially conscious on any one of your spokespersons. Think about it.

Green not Mean
Noel Laureate
Hemp for Tomorrow, Institute and CO-OP

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Dear WE,

Frist off, I luv your site!!!! I think WE all sould be more carefull of protecting Gaia, or prescious mother earth.

The only problem i see is that you have all blond womyn on your site. The only burnet i saw was a fat guy. I find it ofensive that you aren't more diverse with womyn as gaia is a womyn. Lets not tick her off as she might spray us with lava.

My suggestion for helping our wonderfol planet is thus: A lot of people go to disney and six flags on a daily basis. I think we need to petition disney to up their ticket prices to offset theircarbon footprints from running all the electricity. There shuld also be extra charge for children because screaming producs more methane wich makes more warm air and make our mother warmer.

blessed be,
Dolphina Smith

---

I get all fluttery thinking about the wunderful things you are doing for climate change.

I really want to help bring climate change a reality. I'm tired of living through four different seasons a year. Going from the perfect mild weather into the blistering heat takes a toll on the planet with all our conditioned air. Then from there, there's a slight change back to perfect, then it pummels down into not only into freezing temperatures, but below freezing temperatures. It kills alll the living green things. Then there's that leftover stuff from the ice age know as snow. It killed the dinasaurs, didn't it? Please let me know what I can do do to make this a reality. When then can we work on getting sunlight for 24 hours a day? Then solar power can WORK!

---

WE, I recently can across your site, and absolutely love it! I'm a huge fan of satire, especially political satire. At first I wasn't sure if you guys were being serious or not, but the more I examined the site, the more I became convinced you are merely poking fun at the greeny global-warming scaremongers. I mean, some of the stuff on your site is pure gold! How do you come up with it?!?!

So, I've started pointing some of my moronic liberal co-workers onto the site, and you should see them trying to do some of the stuff you guys 'suggest' for 'saving the planet' (lol). One of the guys even rode his bike to work yesterday! 10 miles! In 95 degree heat! In the famous words of Bugs Bunny: "What a maroon." These morons will do anything to feel better about themselves, as if they're making a difference. Or as if there was any reason to try and make a difference.

Now, I do have one concern... I see you have some quotes and videos from famous people. Aren't you afraid they might sue you for making fun of them on your site? Especially algore! Don't forget how he tried to sue his way into the presidency in 2000! Maybe you've already thought of this, but if not, beware, liberals can't take a joke.

Anyway, keep up the good work.
Together 'WE' can keep the libs in a tailspin.
T.N. Amaps

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Like those? Say so.

Think you can do better? Then do so.

Submit your Operation Needs More PC suggestion for improving WE's offensive web site to the WEtard contact page, then send a copy to me at WEsistance@gmail.com for possible future publication at IMAO (if it doesn't suck too terribly bad).

I know I'm a few years late to the party, but my wife and I bought the entire Buffy series on DVD and had been watching it, and I just finally saw the series finale and have to get a few things off my chest. Of course, there will be spoilers for Buffy which, if you haven't seen, you really should.

Anywho...

Read More...

So, the choice is to not work in Internet Explorer or remove my site meter...

You know, I've actually gotten to the point I can go days without checking site meter (of course, my traffic is way down from a year ago, so it can be depressing), but I still can't remove it and have traffic of zero. I can't. It would hurt my pride. Sorry. Get Firefox.

Look how McCain spokesman Michael Goldfarb responded to a crappy NYT blog post:

That the Times made this allegation in a blog post rather than running it on the editorial page indicates that they either knew the charge was bogus or they didn't have the nerve to make their case in full view of the public. But in their new role as bloggers, the paper's editors seem to have all the intelligence and reason of the average Daily Kos diarist sitting at home in his mother's basement and ranting into the ether between games of dungeons and dragons. They also have about as much care for the facts--the "board" has already been forced to append a correction.

I know I've compared the Kwazy Kos Kids to losers playing D&D in their parents basement before! I think the McCain campaign is starting to steal from me.

Which is good. They're starting to become more entertaining with this and their latest ads. Almost enough to make me want to vote.

Anyway, if they want more humor to help McCain out, they just need to contact me. My consulting rates are very reasonable.

So Barack is claiming that McCain's ad comparing him to two white girls is racist, to wit:

"What they're saying is 'Well, we know we're not very good but you can't risk electing Obama. You know, he's new, he doesn't look like the other presidents on the currency, he's a got a funny name.'"

Where to start...

Well, I guarantee you these currency guys, although not all Presidents, got beat up and had their lunch money stolen on a regular basis for having funny names.

Ulysses Grant ($50)
Grover Cleveland ($1000)
Salmon Chase ($10,000)
Woodrow Wilson ($100,000)

And - let's be honest - can ANYONE say "Sacagawea" ($1 coin) without giggling?

As for looks, though, he's absolutely right.

Obama's got no powdered wig, no beard, no moustache, his hair is skull-tight, and don't even get me started on those freakish Alfred E. Neumans popping out the side of his head.

On the other hand, there IS a vague resemblance to that one guy on the back of the $2 bill:

So maybe he's a little more currency-qualified than he thinks.

Barack Obama claimed that when he accused Republicans of scaring people away from him because he doesn't look like the presidents on the dollar bills, he wasn't talking about race. I guess that's believable if he wasn't just talking about himself in that statement, but also stating why people are critical of his peers Britney Spears and Paris Hilton (and I apologize for mentioning a black man and white women in the same sentence; I know that's racist). If you take the three of them together, they are a lot more feminine than the people on the dollar bills (and the Susan B. Anthony dollar coin).

So, if Barack Obama wasn't saying he looked different than the other presidents because of race, what do you think was the differences he was referring to?

I don't think they can put Barack Obama's face on a dollar bill because his head won't fit in the little oval with the way his ears stick out.