Opinions in the Middle East about the Columbia tragedy has been mixed. The official word from the Palestinian territories was one of condolence.
“President (Yasser) Arafat and the Palestinian Authority offer their condolences to the six American families and the Israeli family who lost their loved ones in the catastrophe,” said Saeb Erekat, a senior Palestinian official and spokesman.
“Wow, I always said that Arafat’s a nice guy,” Bush responded, “That’s why I told the Israelis that, when they kill him, to do it quickly and painlessly.”
“They said no,” he added.
In Iraq, people offered no such sorrow.
“We are happy that it broke up,” government employee Abdul Jabbar al-Quraishi said. “God wants to show that his might is greater than the Americans. They have encroached on our country. God is avenging us.”
“Sure the Americans are extremely prosperous,” he continued, “have access to vast technology and a standard of living that I can’t even imagine. And maybe a homeless man begging on the streets in American could earn more money in a year than we can slaving away for a ruthless dictator. And perhaps the Americans have put men on the moon and have made huge leaps in science and technology based on their space program while, during the same time, our best accomplishment was learning a new way to cook a goat. But now they have lost seven astronauts in the heroic pursuit of science and must realize whom God really favors! Now please excuse while I go fester in my diseases.”
Many in Iraq expressed similar notions that the Columbia tragedy was God’s vengeance. Heaven Press Secretary Gabriel was on hand to answer these charges. “Now, I’ll answer what I can, but, obviously, a lot of this involves confidential information.”
“What’s the one true religion?” asked the first reporter.
Gabriel rolled his eyes. “I dunno… scientology. Now please don’t ask another question you know I can’t answer.”
“Was the destruction of Shuttle Columbia an act of God’s vengeance?”
“Of course not. More than four billion people died in the past century, and it’s not like anyone would think that’s all in vengeance. Space travel is a dangerous pursuit, and the people involved knew that. That’s what makes it heroism.”
“So God admits to murdering more than four billion people in past century? Does he plan on turning Himself in to authorities?”
Gabriel sighed and shook his head. “This is why We don’t do these very often.”
“What about when a celebration of Columbia’s destruction in Iraq was broken up by a rain of angry monkeys?” asked another reporter, “That was pretty improbable, and some are pointing fingers at God.”
“No comment.”
“So does God ever hate anyone and thus destroy them with his wrathful fury and what not?”
“No, God doesn’t hate anyone… but he just smites some people from time to time. But really, that is rare, because human life is a sacred thing since man was created in His image.”
“So does God closely resemble a monkey?”
Gabriel looked frustrated. “I… meant that in more of a metaphysical sense. One more question.”
“Many say Saddam is quite an evil person. Can we expect some sort of unilateral action from the Almighty?”
“No, I wouldn’t expect that. It’s not God’s place to constantly seek out violent retribution, as He has infinite mercy. In this world, Saddam has much more to fear from the Americans who, despite their best intentions, are not quite so infinite in their mercy.”