Part I
Part II
“We hold this press conference to announce that the Democrats control the government,” Hillary Clinton said as the Hell’s Democrats biker gang drove around the White House lawn. “No one can stop us!”
“No one?” asked a reporter.
“No one!” Hillary responded.
“We, the elite media, hail the rise of the Democrats to power; should the stupid people in fly-over country do the same?” asked another reporter.
“That question is tough but fair,” Hillary responded, “All who are against us are intolerant and will be placed in tolerance camps to learn the errors of their ways, such as supporting wars because of ‘national security’ or ‘morals’ instead of the only reason for wars, a poorly defined concept of multilateralism.”
“Me likey Democrats!” shouted one reporter.
“Another intelligent question,” Hillary answered, “You reporters sure are nice.”
“Isn’t the only reason you’ve come to power because of the Pure Commie Evil of Cyber-Lenin?” Fox News reporter Melinda Hawkish challenged, “And aren’t your plans to turn America into a weakened, quasi-Europe.”
“Blasphemer!” Hillary shouted along with the other reporters, all fingers pointed at Melinda. “Right wing bias! She must be silenced to restore order!”
“But I am fair and balanced!” Melinda protested, but a gorilla-like union thug grabbed her. “I’ll kill you all!” she shouted before her mouth was covered up.
“Now that’s it’s just us professional, unbiased media types,” Lefty Stevens of CNN said to Hillary, “I’d like to ask you how you plan to celebrate your seizure of power which experts I shall not name agree is a great thing.”
“We’ve decided that the monuments on the Mall must go!” Hillary declared, “One celebrates the first Republican president, whom we declare evil! The other is an obvious phallic symbol and must be destroyed. Later today we will demolish them both and replace them with new monuments. One will be a monument to gun confiscations, and the joys of powerlessness. The other a monument to taxation, and how lovely it is for us smarter people in government to take your money at the point of the aforementioned confiscated guns. Another monument will be a celebration of hippies and all, poorly informed, nigh-retarded, political activists. Finally, there will be a shrine to the almighty abortion at which we can all bow and worship, praying for the end of the scourge of babies once and for all!”
The reporters all applauded while the union thug dragged Melinda away. As he neared an alleyway, someone blocked him.
“That ain’t the way you treat a lady,” Buck the Marine said angrily.
“Me like union. Me like Democrats. Me smash!” the union thug yelled.
“We’ll see what my fists have to say about that,” Buck said, knocking out the union thug with a swift punch. “Ooh-rah!” He then looked to Melinda. “Are you alright? You aren’t one of those feminist chicks who don’t like being saved, are ya?”
“No, thanks, Buck,” Melinda said.
“There’s big trouble about,” Buck stated, “A crazy, flying robot Commie destroyed my weaponry.”
“Weaponry or not, we have to stop Hillary Clinton and the Hell’s Democrat’s,” Melinda responded, “They want to blow up the Washington Monument and the Lincoln Memorial.”
Buck growled angrily. “Not in my America.”

“D.C. is a parasitic entity,” Cyber-Lenin mused to himself as he flew over the landscape, “I need a place of real industry to corrupt with my Pure Commie Evil.” He spied some factories near a port. “Perfect,” he laughed evilly as he landed.
He charged up with Pure Commie Evil, ready to destroy, but suddenly a blast hit Cyber-Lenin, knocking him off his feet. He turned to see behind him Robo-Rumsfeld, armored in a suit of Uninhibited Capitalism that glowed red, white, and blue.
“Damn you, Rumsfeld Strangler!” Cyber-Lenin yelled, “Your effects of capitalism befoul me!”
“Then why don’t you cry to your mommy, Commie?” Rumsfeld said as he threw a punch, knocking Cyber-Lenin through a nearby wall. Cyber-Lenin countered with a red blast of Pure Commie Evil, stunning Rumsfeld, and then charged Rumsfeld, knocking him down.
“You will soon discover that nothing – nothing! – is more powerful than Pure Commie Evil!” Cyber-Lenin shouted, preparing to blast Rumsfeld again.
Rumsfeld rolled out of the way and jumped to his feet. “Whatever, Mecha-Pinko.” He then came at Cyber-Lenin with a series of capitalism-powered punches, knocking Cyber-Lenin backwards. Rumsfeld then let loose a red, white, and blue blast of Uninhibited Capitalism. Cyber-Lenin tried to block it with a shield of Pure Commie Evil, but it powered through and struck him to the ground.
“No! This can’t be!” Cyber-Lenin shouted, “Nothing can defeat Pure Commie Evil! It’s the most powerful thing known to man!”
“The most powerful thing known to man is a pissed-off American,” Rumsfeld said, preparing to finish off his nemesis.
“We will finish this later!” Cyber-Lenin vowed, flying away over the ocean.
Suddenly a large tail came out of the water, and knocked Cyber-Lenin back to earth. “No escape for you!” said a booming voice. There, riding a whale, was a man with green pants and an orange shirt.
“Aquaman!” Rumsfeld exclaimed, “The homo crime fighter of the sea.”
“I’m not gay!” Aquaman responded, “I just like flamboyant clothing.”
Distracted, Rumsfeld was knocked down with blast of Pure Commie Evil. “If I can’t escape,” Cyber Lenin announced, “I will destroy us all.” He took out a red glowing orb. “This is a Commie Bombie. It will destroy everything within a mile radius with its Pure Commie Evil.” Cyber-Lenin moved to press the trigger, but suddenly he screamed in pain as something struck his hand. The Commie Bombie rolled harmlessly into the sea, while Cyber Lenin pulled a letter opener out of his hand.
“Someone call for a White House Press Secretary?” Scott McClellan said proudly, his floral pattern cape flapping in the wind.
“Could you have been any later?” Rumsfeld asked angrily as he got to his feet. He looked to Cyber-Lenin who stood up now too. “Time to cross you off my blacklist,” Rumsfeld snarled. “You’ve made a lot of mistakes, Lenin. You fell for the evil of Communism, you killed millions with your Soviet Union, and you dared to stand against America. But your worst and last mistake was HURTING MY DOG! RARRRRRRR!” Rumsfeld rage fueled the capitalistic energy in his suit into a chaotic fury. It charged up about him, and then blasted forward at Cyber-Lenin, sending him flying into the air where he exploded into a display of fireworks. A little red beard then softly floated to earth.
“Let’s see them preserve that body,” Rumsfeld laughed.
“We fought him like real superheroes!” Scott exclaimed.
“Yeah,” Rumsfeld answered, “and now we get to go to a bar where you’ll treat me to a beer.”
“Can I come too?” Aquaman asked.
“It’s not that kind of bar,” Rumsfeld answered, “Why don’t you go sleep with the fishes.”

“Are you sure you know how to rewire explosives?” Melinda asked.
“If it involves killer’n, I knows it,” Buck answered.
“Quick, the ceremony is about to start!” Melinda warned.
“And now, to destroy the evil monuments!” Hillary said, preparing to use the detonator as crowds of cheering hippies watched. When she hit the button, though, the crowds of hippies exploded instead. “What?” Hillary exclaimed as she and the Hell’s Democrats looked on in shock.
“Decided it was time to put an end to your… uh… being Democrats,” Buck said, stepping forward as the mist of red settled.
“Tom Smashle, stop him!” Hillary ordered. Senator Daschle charged Buck, but he responded with a slap to Daschle’s face which sent Daschle running back crying.
“I feel weak and whiny again,” Daschle said.
“The Pure Commie Evil must have worn off,” Hillary said, “That means Cyber-Lenin is dead! We have to escape.”
She and the Hell’s Democrats began to flee, but suddenly they heard the click-clack of claws against pavement. There before them stood a four-legged figure. Two blood shot eyes stared at them. A row of jagged teeth shined in the light. A growl emanated from the creature, and it’s whole body shook with rage.
“That dog looks angry,” Hillary said.
“Very angry,” Daschle added.

“George W. Bush has returned to power,” the anchorwoman announced, “When asked how it felt to return, Bush beat the crap out of the reporter just for the hell of it and then yelled, ‘Yee-ha!’ while firing his guns in the air. Everything in the White House is now back to normal, except for one set of drapes that is reportedly missing.
“In other news, Sen. Hillary Clinton, Sen. Tom Daschle, Sen. John Kerry, Rep. Dick Gephardt, and Gov. Howard Dean are all missing and presumed mauled by a very angry dog.”
“Also, in Maryland, police have found the remains of what they believe to be Lenin. They relate the homicide to the infamous D.C. serial murderer the Rumsfeld Strangler. At the scene was found a note reading, ‘I’m Donald Rumsfeld. I blew up this guy.’ Penciled in the corner of the note is, ‘I’m Scott McClellan. I helped.’ Police believe this means the Rumsfeld Strangler has an accomplice, someone they have dubbed ‘Chokehold-lad’. He is believed to have a semi-sharp letter opener, and should be considered dangerous. While there are no witnesses of either of them, profilers say that the Rumsfeld Strangler is probably a overweight, seventeen-year-old Filipino girl with a wooden leg, while Chokehold-lad is most likely a pudgy white man in his mid-thirties with a thankless job in speaking.”
Ernst Blofeld watched the T.V. quietly. Finally, the silence was broken.
“You know,” Black Manta said, “If we only had defeated Aqua…”
“Don’t even say it!” Blofeld shouted, “The Rumsfeld Strangler may have won this time, but we’ll eventually do away with him and destroy America. Muh ha ha ha!”
“And Aquaman,” Black Manta added, “Don’t forget about Aquaman.”
“Fine, and we’ll defeat Aquaman too,” Blofeld said and then turned to the rest of the Legion of Doom. “So who wants to go to T.G.I. Fridays?”
THE END