I’ve added more Alliance members to the list on my sidebar. There is still time to join us by e-mailing me with the subject “WAR!!!”.
The poll is up for sexiest female blogger. Go and vote for Annika, as she deserves to win because of her rousing speech about the Alliance (and because she is sexy). It is important that an Alliance member wins.
The Emperor has incontrovertible proof that the Enemy is behind the power outage. We declare war, and he knocks out the power grid; It will take more than that to intimidate us!
I think I’m just going to just call us the “Blogging Alliance” or “the Alliance” for short. All your ideas were stupid. Sorry. Anyway, we need a banner! Anyone artistic out there?
Jennifer, enemy of the Alliance and thus slave to the Enemy, sent me these ridiculous terms of surrender:
1. We get permalinks with the grownups. Yes, the same list Rachel Lucas is on. There are no qualifiers attached to our links.
2. You surrender all bananas to the Axis.
3. You publicly apologize for mocking me, your loyal reader. You remove your poll about me. You publicly admit I do not smell like a monkey.
4. You will post no less than 250 words on the following subject: “Why Frank J. is not worthy of Susie’s adoration.”
Here is my response:
1. That is way too much to ask. You lost the competition; live with it.
2. I have no bananas.
3. This I will negotiate.
4. Bah! Completely non-negotiable. I am completely worthy of Susie’s adoration.
Here are my terms:
Join me now, and I will erase the poll about Jennifer, add the names of Jennifer and her compatriots to my list, and the hatchet will be buried. Otherwise, you will all be destroyed.
Okay, everyone, time to plot attacks against the Enemy and think of ways to gain media attention.
Instapundo Delenda Est!
UPDATE: White Glenn strikes back! Treachery!!!
UPDATE II: Speaking of the Empire striking back… (hey, I look good in black. Maybe I should be voted the sexiest male blogger).

The Enemy has me on his blogroll, but, instead of a direct link to me, it goes to a page that makes fun of me. I was just e-mailed today asking why I haven’t mentioned that fact. Well, I mention it now. Everyone go to White Glenn’s site now and click on my link (IMAO) on his blogroll.
I believe the Alliance has picked up a new ally.
Instapundo Delenda Est!
UPDATE: Treachery!!! Wizbang remains an enemy of all that is good and just and in the pocket of the Enemy. Trust no one (except those in the Alliance).

Annika has a stirring speech for any of you who still sit on the sidelines. Plus, she is in the running for sexiest female blogger; she gets my support.
We still need someone to host our headquarters (it’s free hits), and then we have to decide on our name and banner. Next will be a media campaign like none will have ever seen, in which the evils of the Enemy will be exposed and people will know that we control the blogosphere and thus the future.
There will be much plotting this weekend. Perhaps an e-mail list may be in an order.
BTW, here is more mockery from the Enemy. I smell fear.

As anyone who regularly read my site knows, I don’t follow the news very closely, but apparently Canada has done a first strike against America and knocked out our power grid. I say its time to show those hosiers a thing or two about power – military power!
And that’s all I have to say ’bout that.

It’s been a long, long time since I read a comic book, but I decided to plunge into the depths of geekdom that media to determine whether Aquaman is worthy of the scorn I heap upon him in my Know Thy Enemy™ segments. There are other superheroes I could make fun of such as the Flash who seems like the perfect French superhero (can quickly run away from any battle), but Aquaman has just been like the perfect target. His superpowers are that he can breathe underwater and talk to fish. That might make him a great marine biologist or a good lifeguard, but superhero seems a bit of a stretch. Plus, what’s with that orange shirt? Is it so helicopters can spot him from the sea? Is it so he doesn’t get shot during deer season? And how many goldfish did he have to skin to make it?
Anyway, the comic book I read was Aquaman #25 from October ’96. I was told it was written by an actually very good writer, Peter David. This surprised me, because I didn’t know comic books had writers. Also, if I were D.C. Comics, I would be assigning the A-list writers to Superman and Batman and have maybe the interns hack out a story of Aquaman fighting a jellyfish and a tuna or something.
To get to the actual comic, the first thing one notices is this isn’t the SuperFriends Aquaman.

Instead, the bearded, longhaired Aquaman looks like some blond biker dude. Also, he’s got a hook for his left hand. Apparently, in Aquaman #2, someone stuck his hand into a pond of piranhas and they ate it. I don’t know why he didn’t just use his fish talking powers to talk them down, though.

AQUAMAN: Dudes, like don’t eat my hand.
PIRHANAS: But we’re like crazy hungry, yo.
AQUAMAN: Hey, I promise that if you don’t eat my hand now, I’ll give you like a whole chicken later.

Well, I just know that from secondhand information, so I can’t judge on it.
The other big change with Aquaman is they lost the orange shirt. Actually, I guess they wanted to get so far away from that stupid shirt that Aquaman doesn’t wear a shirt at all. So, if you’re in trouble in a 7-11, Aquaman can’t help you or he’d be breaking the rules. Aquaman still has green scale pants, though. I guess green scale pants are the sine qua non of Aquaman.
As for the story in this comic, the site I got the image from says it best: “This issue is definitely a capper to the plot, and would be absolutely nonsensical alone.” While I can’t attest for the first part, the second part sure as hell is true. How many pages are there in a comic book when you remove the ads? Six? Well, in that many pages that had more characters to keep track of than in War and Peace. I was so confused, that, by the end, I didn’t know my ass from my elbow; I think I’m scared from ever reading a comic again. The plot involved like the White House, a dragon, aliens, and water, but luckily my mission isn’t to explain the plot, it was just to follow the Aqua-action and see whether Aquaman is a badass or not.
So this green dude who also has a hook for his left hand jumps in and is like, “I’m gonna cut you, Aquaman!”
And, does Aquaman call for a dolphin backup? No. He runs right into the fight saying, “Bring it on, bitch!”
And I’m like, “He’s green, Aquaman; kill him!”
But instead of going stab crazy with his hook hand on green-dude, Aquaman pulls out a rope (apparently his hook hand is also a grappling hook or something) and then begins to strangle the guy. Okay, strangling is still really violent. But then some woman confuses things as they always do. So green dude cuts Aquaman in the leg (his green scale pants, while stylish, afford little protection apparently). Now Aquaman get all pissed, but, instead of finally going stab crazy, he uses his psycho-telekinetic-fish-talking powers on green dude and green dude kills himself. I guess that’s somewhat badass.
Now, outside, Power Girl is fighting this big dragon Tiamat (Power Girl? Was she just about to turn in her superhero application form and then suddenly found out that “Super Girl” was taken and then had like ten seconds to come up with a superhero name?). Aquaman again uses his fish talking powers on the dragon to get him to jump into a magic bag of some sort (don’t ask me, ’cause I can’t explain).
All in all, I have to say I’m not convinced. If I’m getting attacked in the sea, I think I’d feel safer if I saw Batman come by in his Bat-boat or Green Lantern flying above than if I saw Captain Hook swimming by. I think I’ll offer some constructive criticism, though.
First off, go to The Gap and find a nice polo shirt that is on sale. I don’t know how things work underwater, but here on land we wear shirts.
Second, as long as you’ve lost a hand, why don’t you go the full Bruce Campbell and replace your hand with a chainsaw. No one is going to make fun of Aquaman if he comes at him with a chainsaw hand! You will have to be careful to keep the seawater from rusting it, though.
Finally, lose the name Aquaman. It’s just gay. There are so many better names an underwater superhero could have, like “The Shark” or “Sea Urchin”. Even “The Swimmer” or the “Fish Whisperer” would be better. Aquaman makes it sound like you should be made of water or something, and is only a step up from being called “Water Boy”. He also in the comic was referred to as Orin. I think even a regular name would be better than a superhero name like Aquaman. Even “Bob” sounds fiercer.
Still, I have to say that this Aquaman would not be the first guy I would pick a fight with in a bar. And, while he probably couldn’t take on any of the A-list superheroes, I bet he could he could beat the tar out of Robin.
…well, I guess it considers which Robin. He certainly could beat up the dead one. And, if he got too near a bird’s nest and were attacked by a real robin, that bird wouldn’t stand a chance. Aquaman would kick its ass and be like, “Don’t mess with Aquaman!” What a badass!
I think I’ll end this here. We all know the dangers of analyzing Aquaman too much.