President Obama is working really hard to enact a health care plan, and we all know this is just his first step towards complete control of health care by the government. Thus, I thought I’d send my crack research team to find out all they can about government-run health care.

FUN FACTS ABOUT GOVERNMENT-RUN HEALTH CARE

* The reason some think the government should take over health care is because they think health care is a right, but instead of an oppressive government infringing on that right, it’s economics and reality.

* Government-run health care is being pushed right now because of the crisis of the uninsured, a crisis America has been suffering for about 233 years.

* For a while now, Canada has had government-run health care, meaning the costs of health care have to be balanced with all other government expenses. Usually a hundred people are denied a doctor’s care anytime the curling teams need to purchase new stones.

* If you find yourself surrounded by government-run health care, don’t worry; it will probably just ignore you, even if you’re in need of emergency care.

* There are worries that government-run health care could lead to lower quality doctors, but doctors should be happy to work for lower pay as long as we can repeal the 13th Amendment.

* Proponents of government-run health care say that death panels will never become a reality… just as long as the bureaucrats running health care don’t realize, “Hey, if sick people just died, we’d save lots of money.”

* Wolverine’s self-healing ability was evolved in response to Canada’s government-run health care.

* Rationing could mean that people thinking of escaping a reality controlled by computers may no longer have the option of both the red and the blue pill.

* President Obama says having the government create the new entitlement of health care will actually save us money. This is because he plans to enact it on opposite day.

* If you think you see government-run health care killing people, don’t panic. Instead, just think of all the savings.

* Liberals want you to know that the government taking over 16% of the economy won’t affect your freedom. They also want to remind you that a happy attitude about it will be factored into rationing.

* The Clintons tried to enact government-run health care in the ’90s, but it ended up that half of the proposed bill were sketches by Bill Clinton of what the nurses’ uniform should look like.

* In a fight between government-run health care and Aquaman, Aquaman would die from being out of the water for too long while waiting for a simple blood test.

* Star Trek shows what a future of universal health care will look like. Basically, if you don’t get good care, someone will go back in time and retcon you out of existence.

* If given a chance, government-run health care will kill you, your family, and everyone you care about. Then again, it’s completely free.

* Despite all the changes, liberals will make sure the most basic right in health care won’t be affected: the ability of a trial lawyer to make millions of dollars in malpractice suits.

* Government-run health care is going to fix health care by making sure your needs are no longer determined by a heartless corporation but instead by a heartless bureaucrat who also has the power to imprison you if you don’t do as he says.

I thought it would be appropriate to dig Frank J’s “Know Thy Enemy: Canada” out of the archives so that it can be enjoyed by a new generation of IMAO readers.

And also by the old generation, who, sadly, is afflicted with Alzheimer’s and completely forgot they read this in 2004.

FUN FACTS ABOUT CANADA

* Canada was originally populated by peoples loyal to Britain and dumb people who just got lost.

* Canada is still technically owned by England and has to dance for them when commanded.

* That happens usually three times a year.

* The border between U.S. and Canada is the longest unprotected border in the world. There are plans to mine it, set up video cameras all along it, and not tell Canada for a new Fox special called When Americans Are Bastards.

* It is rumored Canada has its own military. Their most powerful weapon is the telephone with which they can call America and say, “Help! We’re being invaded, eh!”

* Canadians are almost as genetically similar to humans as the chimpanzee.

* Was originally called Cana, but, since everyone there said, “I live in Cana, duuuuh,” the name Canada eventually stuck.

* For the same reasons, it will eventually be known as Canadada.

* Their national symbol is the most evil of leafs, the Maple Leaf, a.k.a. Satan’s Palm.

* In a fight between Aquaman and a maple leaf… actually, a maple leaf is even too lame for Aquaman. Our national symbol, the bald eagle, would whup Aquaman’s ass, though.

* Canadians pretend to be peaceful, but more Canadians are murdered in Canada every year than any other country.

* Canada modeled their currency after ours just to annoy us when we accidentally get useless Canadian trinkets in change instead of hard American currency.

* Canada has a picture of a queen on their money to show their contempt for democracy.

* A large minority of Canadians speak French, and they boss around the rest of the Canadians. Bossed around by French-speaking people – that’s so pathetic I can’t even imagine it.

* Canadians think they are superior to Americans. The rational basis for this is unknown.

* Canada holds up a sham democracy to try and be accepted by the civilized world, but in fact all real decisions are made by their moose overlord.

* It’s a myth that the normal way a Canadian says “about” is so that it rhymes with “boot”. It just happens that a lot of Canadians are retarded.

* The northern area of Canada is technically God-forsaken. If anyone there has a prayer, he or she first has to mail it to an American priest for God to hear it.

* Most of the prayers involve hockey and are promptly ignored.

* If a Canadian ever tries to express an opinion about America, hit him on the head with a rolled up newspaper while shouting, “No!” You have to catch them in the act or they’ll never learn.

* Canada has gone its entire history without doing anything of note, something almost unheard of for a country its size.

* Canada has become an entry point for terrorists which has caused Canada’s boring index to decrease slightly.

* Canada doesn’t have all the beliefs in liberty and freedom of speech that we have. So, if you have to go to Canada, make sure to bring a gun to help them recognize.

* Canada is so defective that it loses gravity for six hours every month.

* Canada has no known industry. It’s believed all their income comes from sales of syrup and hockey tickets.

* Canadians have universal healthcare. The way they afford it is making people wait so long that most die before seeing a doctor.

* Canadians are completely harmless, but don’t assume someone who is wearing a hockey mask is Canadian. The people at Crystal Lake made that mistake and, well, it was messy.

* Canadians don’t have any nuclear missiles because we decided they are not mature enough for them. Maybe when they’re older.

* Canadians have national gun registration. While solving no crime, the excessive amount of money the initiative has taken has foiled Canada’s evil schemes to make mutant snow monkeys.

* If ever attacked by a Canadian… well… beat the crap out of him. What? You can’t take a Canadian? What kind of pansy are you?

* This list would be classified as a hate crime in Canada.

* Actually, most Canadians who read this list would just say, “Eh?”

I had fun at Yellowstone last week, but I’d thought I’d compile some tips about the park to help anyone else who is planning to visit there.

TIPS ABOUT VISITING YELLOWSTONE

* Make sure any ranger station you visit is an actual ranger station listed on the maps of Yellowstone. Bears often set up phony ranger stations and maul anyone who enters.

* Yellowstone sits on a miles wide super volcano, so when visiting the park always know where the nearest virgin is in case you need to offer a sacrifice to stave off an explosion.

* Buffalo are extremely docile creatures unless you make fun of their street magic.

* If you shoot a bear for stealing your picnic basket, it’s not considered self-defense. Especially if you also shoot and kill his little tag-along.

* If you are surrounded by a wolf pack, yell really loud and kick the largest one in the head to assert your dominance. Now they will be your wolf pack and punish your enemies.

* Don’t get angry when the park rangers yell at you for peeing in a geyser. Hot steam comes out of those, so they’re just looking out for your wang.

* If a grizzly bear seems hostile, that just means it needs a hug.

* During a thunderstorm, stay away from moose. Their antlers attract lightning bolts. Each male moose gets struck by lightning an average of eight times per year.

* Old Faithful only get its name because it seems so faithful compared to the other geysers which are all lying sluts.

* Remember to bring bear mace with you in case while visiting Yellowstone you need to spray someone in the face that you’re bounty hunting.

* Even though your tax dollars pay their salary, park rangers in Yellowstone get pretty pissy when you start shooting random animals in the face.

* If you are chased by a bear, play dead. If you are chased by wolves, play undead as they’re scared of zombies.

* If while driving through Yellowstone you count how many trees there are, you win a prize.

With Nancy Pelosi in the news so much lately, I though people might want to know more about her. Thus, I sent my crack research staff to find out all they could about her. Get ready to update Wikipedia!

FUN FACTS ABOUT NANCY PELOSI

* Nancy Pelosi had to exploit her connections in government to get approval to build her gingerbread house.

* Despite her appearance and that she’s from San Francisco, reportedly Pelosi is not an old tranny.

* If the pressure used to stretch back Pelosi’s face were ever released, it could take out a city block.

* Every time Pelosi lies, her face stretches tighter.

* Pelosi’s favorite food is the tears of crying children.

* Humans have a natural, untaught fear of snakes, spiders, and Pelosi’s smiling visage.

* Nancy Pelosi was the inspiration for the Cloverfield monster.

* As an official in San Francisco, Pelosi personally took away Dirty Harry’s badge on four separate occasions.

* Common Pelosi rebuttal in political debates: “I’ll suck out your life juices!”

* Pelosi’s tramp stamp is the Chinese symbol for “dessicated.”

* If Pelosi looks at you and bares her teeth (“smiles”), that means she is about to attack. Shield face and groin.

* Pelosi’s iPod is filled with nothing but the sounds kittens make when they’re strangled.

* Contrary to popular rumors, Pelosi will not melt when she comes in contact with water. But she will multiply.

* Instead of Nana or Grammy, Pelosi’s nickname from her grandchildren is “Proof there is no God.”

* In a fight between Nancy Pelosi and Aquaman, Pelosi would claim Aquaman never told her that he planned to submerge his enemies in water.

* Pelosi has hired the Jim Henson Creature Shop to give her a wider range of facial expressions.

* Pelosi doesn’t shake hands and kiss babies because she tends to frighten people when she exclaims, “Mmm… fresh baby!”

* Currently, in San Francisco the phrase “The San Francisco Treat” refers to a bag over Pelosi’s head.

Pirates are a problem these days. A long while back, IMAO put out a Know Thy Enemy: Pirates but apparently it didn’t work because pirates are still causing trouble. I decided it needed to be updated so I asked my new crack research team (Basil and spacemonkey) to help find out all they could about pirates.

FUN FACTS ABOUT PIRATES

* Piracy started quite accidentally when one ship crew realized how fun it was to board another ship while yelling “Arr!” and laughing heartily.

* Today’s pirates tend to have AK-47s instead of muskets which is considered cheating. Don’t let a Navy SEAL catch you cheating!

* If you see a man with a long beard, it could be the fearsome Blackbeard the pirate! If the beard is somewhat light colored, he’s probably just a member of ZZ Top. Either way, use caution.

* If people plunder you on the sea, that piracy. If people plunder you on land, that’s the Obama administration.

* Many pirates settled in Canada where after years of peace and maple syrup, their “Arr!” faded into an “Eh”.

* No matter how much a pirate says to do it, he’ll actually get angry if you shake his timbers.

* Piracy is covered by the United Nations Convention on the Law of the Sea, meaning that, following an attack by pirates, the U.N. will debate the issue for months before passing a resolution demanding that pirates think about what they are doing, and that if the pirates keep being pirates, the U.N. will consider passing another resolution.

* Reason why so many pirates are missing limbs and eyes: Fred Thompson.

* A lot of people when boarding your ship may claim to be pirates, but make sure to ask for identification. If someone is murdering your crew and stealing your booty but doesn’t have the proper ID, make sure to report it to the pirate union.

* In response to piracy, Obama plans to open talks with Tortuga with no preconditions.

* The United States has not ratified the United Nations Convention on the Law of the Sea, meaning that if pirates capture a U.S. vessel, Navy SEALs can shoot the pirates in the head.

* The pirate flag of skull and cross bones is called the “Jolly Roger” because whoever decided to name it was really gay.

* Jolly Ranchers have no relation to the Jolly Roger… that I know of. To be on the safe side, though, if you see a bunch of Jolly Rancher wrappers lying about, be prepared for a pirate attack!

* The Marine Hymn lyrics “to the shores of Tripoli” refer to the U.S. response to the Barbary Pirates in the early 19th century. If the Somali pirates understood English, they’d have known not to screw around with the American military.

* If surrounded by pirates, ask for “parlay”. That will give you time to escape while they look that up on Wikipedia.

* If someone boards your land going vessel and steals it, that’s a carjacker, not a pirate. You can still run him through with a cutlass, though.

* If 4 Somali teenagers get in a boat and call themselves pirates, they can capture a boat with a crew of 21. If those same teenagers try to capture a Ford pickup in Alabama, their bullet-riddled bodies will be found with tire tracks across their backs.

* A pirate ship can be recognized by the bumper sticker: “Pirates get more booty”

* If pirates take someone hostage, you’ll probably get the person back unharmed if you pay the ransom. You’ll also get the person back unharmed if you shoot all the pirates dead, plus that’s cheaper.

* And funnier.

* Cap’n Crunch gained his commission and command of the Good Ship Guppy after bringing Jean LaFoote, the Barefoot Pirate, to justice.

* Pirates idea to bury their treasure ending up being quite a sound investment strategy this past year.

* Captain Hook, the pirate nemesis of Peter Pan, attended Eton College. Hook, the starting quarterback in his team’s Sugar Bowl loss to Florida, fumbled on the goal line when the Gators’ middle linebacker bit off his hand.

* You may be able to avoid getting attacked by pirates if you drape a sign over the side of your vessel reading, “Radio Broken”.

* Long John Silver began his adult career as a pirate, but discovered he had a talent for cooking. He gave up his life of crime to open a series of Burger King franchises after his successful lawsuit against Jerrico, Inc.

* If you’re really worried about pirates, go to Taco Bell. I’ve never seen one there, and I like their chalupas.

* The most famous historical pirates are Edward Teach (Blackbeard), Jean Lafitte, William Kidd, and Willie Stargell.

* When fighting pirates, you may think the man with the big hat is the leader, but it’s actually the parrot on his shoulder. Take that bird out first!

* Privateers are often confused with pirates. The main difference is that the president has called for an end to privacy.

* The plank is a result of pirates starting to build a second connected ship and then just getting too lazy.

* Some famous pirates in literature are Captain Jack Sparrow, the Dread Pirate Roberts, and Joe Biden.

* Pirates are vulnerable to cutlasses, scurvy, and sniper-bullets to the head.

* In a fight between Aquaman and pirates, Aquaman would… hmm, enemies at sea. This one is actually a job for Aquaman. Weird.

Socialists seems to be a rising problem in America, so I sent out my crack research staff to find out as much as they could about them. Here are their findings:

FUN FACTS ABOUT SOCIALISTS

* The first socialist was Thog the Puny, who never hunted but thought he should be in charge of how the kills were distributed. He was brutally clubbed to death by the other caveman, and no one blamed them.

* The name “Socialist” is kinda ironic since they’re not very social on account of everyone hating them.

* Much like the marriage of chocolate and peanut butter, socialism was made through the happenstance union of meddlesomeness and uselessness.

* The Founding Fathers originally wanted to put the proper punishment for socialists in the Constitution, but decided the phrase “musket to the junk” just wasn’t appropriate for the document.

* If you think you see a socialist, report him to the nearest business owner so he can club him to death.

* When socialism destroys the country, many terrorist groups will try to claim credit. Hey, if you want credit for it you better start registering Democrat right now, terrorists.

* Oh, you’re already on top of that.

* Using socialism to help revive a failing economy is like putting angry weasels down your pants because you need some rest.

* How do you tell a socialist from a communist? It what color they burn when you set them on fire.

* Socialists have a new weapon — the stimulus. With this, they’ll reward failing businesses with your money. And why won’t that work to help the economy? Capitalism!

* If you find yourself surrounded by socialists, don’t panic. Just try to find the first flight out of Europe.

* The socialists main friend is the deadbeat, someone just as lazy and useless as socialist but who never had the idea to turn that into a political ideology.

* Obama was first enchanted by the ideals of socialism when he took a economics class while coked out of his mind.

* There are a lot of socialists in the animal kingdom… no wait, not the animal kingdom. What kingdom are viruses in?

* In a fight between Aquaman and socialists, Aquaman will end up penniless and on the streets since all his money will have been taken away to pay for the mortgage Black Manta took out knowing full well he couldn’t afford it.

* If a socialist bites you, immediately clean and cauterize the wound before you lose half your income to lazy people.

* The socialist’s main weaknesses are actual work and ass-kickings.

* Oh, and clubs.

Hamas sure seems to like provoking Jews into killing them, so as a public service I thought I’d send my crack research staff to revisit and revise their facts about Hamas before research about Hamas becomes a job solely for anthropologists.

FUN FACTS ABOUT HAMAS

* Hamas was founded in 1987 according to some site I found with Google. I was eight years old then and wanted to be a fireman or an astronaut. Blowing up Jews had not crossed my mind.

* Hamas is Arabic for “dumb @#$% with explosives”.

* Contrary to popular belief, Hamas has nothing to do with ham. Actually, if you throw hams at them, they’ll get angry.

* Make sure to keep Hamas away from your Jews.

* I don’t like to loosely throw around charges of anti-Semitism, but I don’t think Hamas members like Jews.

* Hamas protects their armaments by hiding them among children so Israel will hesitate to shoot back. For a ground war, Hamas is planning on wearing vests covered in live puppies. Killing terrorists isn’t worth harming an innocent puppy, is it?

* If you’re surrounded by members of Hamas, shout, “One of you is secretly a Jew!” Then watch them shoot each other while screaming, “Who Jew?” It’s high-larious!

* One of the reasons that they keep attacking is that none of the Hamas members knows what “ceasefire” means and are too embarrassed to ask.

* If a Hamas member says he wants peace, it’s a trick! Shoot him the head.

* If a Hamas member says he wants to borrow the sports section from your newspaper, it’s a trick! Shoot him in the head.

* Hamas has a wing that’s devoted to charities. It’s a lot like the Salvation Army… if the Salvation Army murdered Jews.

* Actually, if you see a guy ringing a bell around Christmas, make sure he’s with Salvation Army and not a Hamas member before you give him money.

* If you’re in a cafe in Israel, and someone runs in there and indiscriminately starts shooting people, he could be a member of Hamas, so be careful.

* Hamas is a big part of the “cycle of violence”. They launch rockets at Israel, and then Israel is like, “Hey, don’t do that.” And thus the cycle of violence continues.

* The cycle of violence will continue on forever… or until Israel finally gets fed up and nukes the crap out of everyone.

* If you think you see a Hamas member, make sure to report him to the nearest heavily armed Jew.

* Hamas’s objective is to act like crazed murders to provoke Israel into a larger war where all the Muslim world comes together to destroy Israel. So far it hasn’t worked since the rest of the Muslim world like getting killed by Jews even less than Hamas.

* Hell, even I don’t like getting killed by Jews.

* If Hamas were actually able to destroy Israel, they would then go on to form the Muslim version of a utopia, i.e., ignorant Muslims killing each other over pieces of God-forsaken land. So it would be pretty much like the rest of the Middle East.

* Actually, without the oil, there really isn’t much of a point to that region, is there? We probably wouldn’t even bother mapping the area and just write “Here there be tygers.” But I digress.

* In a fight between Hamas and Aquaman, Hamas members would run into the ocean to try and suicide bomb Aquaman and all drown. Good job, Aquaman.

* Hamas tends to yell and complain a lot when Israel targets and kills their leaders, but they don’t like it when Israel targets and kills their children either. Hey, pick one and shut up.

* Sometimes Hamas members blow themselves up in their own apartments when they try making bombs. That makes me giggle. Hee hee.

* Many liberals feel a great amount of sympathy for Hamas as they’re a lot alike since they’re both misunderstood, smelly, and wish to indiscriminately kill the Jews.

* Members of Hamas, much like the northern short-tailed shrew, are largely illiterate.

* Maybe Isarelis and Hamas could all get along if they just hugged.

* No! Don’t hug the Hamas members; it’s a trick! They’re just going to blow up!

* For most combatants, the object is to kill the enemy while not being killed. Hamas had the idea, “Hey, what if we kill the enemy and kill ourselves at the same time?” And thus suicide bombing was born. It’s not a great idea, but you have to give Hamas props for thinking outside the box.

* Hamas won’t rest until the Jews are pushed out into the sea. That will significantly improve the GDP of the sea.

* If you make a Mexican laugh, and he wants an encore, he’d say, “Ha! Mas!”

* I think that means I’m about out of fun facts.