A lot of people have questions about Obamacare and it’s lovely, bureaucrat-made website, so I sent my crack research team to find out all they could about Obamacare. Here’s what they found:
FUN FACTS ABOUT OBAMACARE
* Obamacare is made by the combination of “Obama” and “care,” two things that don’t go together at all.
* Obamacare came about when the American people were complaining about jobs and the economy, because Obama’s contempt for the concerns of the average man knows no bounds.
* Obamacare was expected to be just what the economy and health care needed: Thousands of pages of regulations written by lawyers.
* Obamacare passed without a single Republican vote, as all Republicans were opposed to Obama’s ideas since they’re racist against idiots.
* We had to pass Obamacare to find out what’s in it, sort of like you had to put that weird goop you found on the bathroom floor in your mouth to find out what it’s composed of.
* Only one person is said to have actually read all of Obamacare, and legend says it broke his brain and drove him mad. He’s still vice president, though.
* It is said that Satan himself inserted a passage in the Obamacare bill that will cause the destruction of man, but we probably don’t need to worry about it since Obama will inevitably screw up the implementation.
* Obamacare was made because people complained about not having health insurance, and its solution is to fine people for not getting insurance. That’s like a dog whining because it’s hungry and your solution is to hit it with a stick until he finds food… except that solution costs no money and somehow Obamacare is raising everyone’s rates.
* Forcing people to buy something — the central part of Obamacare — was declared “legal as a tax.” The British also tried to use that line on the colonists to poor results.
* Obamacare is Obama’s signature accomplishment, much like the reanimated monster was Dr. Frankenstein’s.
* The actual name of the legislation is not Obamacare, but the Affordable Care Act, named in the same playful manner as how the bald stooge is called “Curly.”
* Not to imply that Obamacare is as capable or helpful as any of the three stooges.
* If you have a preexisting condition, Obamacare will be a big help to you… unless you’re preexisting condition is “middle class taxpayer.” Then hoo boy, are you in for it.
* The main prey of Obamacare are paychecks, freedoms, and health care plans people like.
* To protect your health care plan from Obamacare, make sure you don’t like it.
* Obamacare is expected to have a number of negative effects on the country such as an increase in health insurance premiums, reduction in hiring, and more Obama speeches.
* Obamacare allows people to stay on their parents’ health insurance up to the age of 26. It will also mandates PBS kids shows like Sesame Street to be aimed to those ages as well, as now there’s a segment of Big Bird kicking a meth addiction.
* Obama and the Democrats have been generous with Obamacare waivers to protect favored groups from the wrath of their legislation. In the future, there is expected to be two groups: Those with Obamacare waivers and the dead.
* Some people are upset now as they were misled when Obama misspoke 582 times about people being able to keep their health care plans they like. The White House wants to assure those people that Obama is an idiot whose mindless jabbering should never be taken to mean anything.
* Sarah Palin spread misinformation about “death panels” being in Obamacare, when in fact life and death decisions will be made by single faceless bureaucrats with no panels involved at all.
* The main weakness of Obamacare is that it’s a failure at absolutely everything it tries to accomplish.
* To sign up for Obamacare, you have to use the healthcare.gov website which is constantly crashing and not even marginally functional. It’s what known as the “most well thought out part of Obamacare.”
* The key to making Obamacare possibly solvent is getting lots of healthy, young people to sign up. Hopefully they’re all hipsters who will find the healthcare.gov website imitating the speed of a 1200 baud modem to be really “retro.”
* If you find yourself surrounded by Obamacare, get a group of six or more to try and overwhelm it. It can’t process that many people at once.
* So far Obama has held no one accountable for the healthcare.gov’s huge failure, but firing people for massive incompetence would be kind of hypocritical for him.
* Plus, in 2012, we didn’t hold him accountable, so maybe he learned that from us.
* In a battle between Aquaman and Obamacare, the Justice League would cut Aquaman’s hours so they don’t have to get him health insurance. Having a water-based superhero on full time seems kind of excessive, anyway.
* The Obamacare mascot is Doc, the Obamacare bear. He’s rabid and has mauled five people so far.
* Being mauled by a rabid bear is a preexisting condition covered by Obamacare, though.
* There’s a lot of fraud out there associated with Obamacare. If who you’re dealing with is marginally competent, then he obviously has no actual association with Obamacare as is trying to defraud you.
* As you can never get rid of entitlements, expect Obamacare to be around as long as our country lasts. So a year or two longer.