Archive for the ‘Know Thy Enemy’ Category

Know Thy Enemy: Obamacare

Tuesday, November 12, 2013 11:00 am

A lot of people have questions about Obamacare and it’s lovely, bureaucrat-made website, so I sent my crack research team to find out all they could about Obamacare. Here’s what they found:

FUN FACTS ABOUT OBAMACARE

* Obamacare is made by the combination of “Obama” and “care,” two things that don’t go together at all.

* Obamacare came about when the American people were complaining about jobs and the economy, because Obama’s contempt for the concerns of the average man knows no bounds.

* Obamacare was expected to be just what the economy and health care needed: Thousands of pages of regulations written by lawyers.

* Obamacare passed without a single Republican vote, as all Republicans were opposed to Obama’s ideas since they’re racist against idiots.

* We had to pass Obamacare to find out what’s in it, sort of like you had to put that weird goop you found on the bathroom floor in your mouth to find out what it’s composed of.

* Only one person is said to have actually read all of Obamacare, and legend says it broke his brain and drove him mad. He’s still vice president, though.

* It is said that Satan himself inserted a passage in the Obamacare bill that will cause the destruction of man, but we probably don’t need to worry about it since Obama will inevitably screw up the implementation.

* Obamacare was made because people complained about not having health insurance, and its solution is to fine people for not getting insurance. That’s like a dog whining because it’s hungry and your solution is to hit it with a stick until he finds food… except that solution costs no money and somehow Obamacare is raising everyone’s rates.

* Forcing people to buy something — the central part of Obamacare — was declared “legal as a tax.” The British also tried to use that line on the colonists to poor results.

* Obamacare is Obama’s signature accomplishment, much like the reanimated monster was Dr. Frankenstein’s.

* The actual name of the legislation is not Obamacare, but the Affordable Care Act, named in the same playful manner as how the bald stooge is called “Curly.”

* Not to imply that Obamacare is as capable or helpful as any of the three stooges.

* If you have a preexisting condition, Obamacare will be a big help to you… unless you’re preexisting condition is “middle class taxpayer.” Then hoo boy, are you in for it.

* The main prey of Obamacare are paychecks, freedoms, and health care plans people like.

* To protect your health care plan from Obamacare, make sure you don’t like it.

* Obamacare is expected to have a number of negative effects on the country such as an increase in health insurance premiums, reduction in hiring, and more Obama speeches.

* Obamacare allows people to stay on their parents’ health insurance up to the age of 26. It will also mandates PBS kids shows like Sesame Street to be aimed to those ages as well, as now there’s a segment of Big Bird kicking a meth addiction.

* Obama and the Democrats have been generous with Obamacare waivers to protect favored groups from the wrath of their legislation. In the future, there is expected to be two groups: Those with Obamacare waivers and the dead.

* Some people are upset now as they were misled when Obama misspoke 582 times about people being able to keep their health care plans they like. The White House wants to assure those people that Obama is an idiot whose mindless jabbering should never be taken to mean anything.

* Sarah Palin spread misinformation about “death panels” being in Obamacare, when in fact life and death decisions will be made by single faceless bureaucrats with no panels involved at all.

* The main weakness of Obamacare is that it’s a failure at absolutely everything it tries to accomplish.

* To sign up for Obamacare, you have to use the healthcare.gov website which is constantly crashing and not even marginally functional. It’s what known as the “most well thought out part of Obamacare.”

* The key to making Obamacare possibly solvent is getting lots of healthy, young people to sign up. Hopefully they’re all hipsters who will find the healthcare.gov website imitating the speed of a 1200 baud modem to be really “retro.”

* If you find yourself surrounded by Obamacare, get a group of six or more to try and overwhelm it. It can’t process that many people at once.

* So far Obama has held no one accountable for the healthcare.gov’s huge failure, but firing people for massive incompetence would be kind of hypocritical for him.

* Plus, in 2012, we didn’t hold him accountable, so maybe he learned that from us.

* In a battle between Aquaman and Obamacare, the Justice League would cut Aquaman’s hours so they don’t have to get him health insurance. Having a water-based superhero on full time seems kind of excessive, anyway.

* The Obamacare mascot is Doc, the Obamacare bear. He’s rabid and has mauled five people so far.

* Being mauled by a rabid bear is a preexisting condition covered by Obamacare, though.

* There’s a lot of fraud out there associated with Obamacare. If who you’re dealing with is marginally competent, then he obviously has no actual association with Obamacare as is trying to defraud you.

* As you can never get rid of entitlements, expect Obamacare to be around as long as our country lasts. So a year or two longer.

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Know Thy Enemy: Government Shutdown

Friday, October 11, 2013 11:00 am

So we’re still in a government shutdown and everyone is like, “What’s happening? Will we survive? What’s going on? How’d you get in my house?” Well, no worries; I sent my crack research staff to find out all they can about a government shutdown.

FUN FACTS ABOUT THE GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN

* A government shutdown is created by the combination of a government and a shutdown.

* Government shutdowns happen when Congress forgets to mail out the monthly bill for the government. They’ll often get a late notice, but because of partisan bickering, everyone is like, “Hey, I thought it was your job to mail in the check!” and then no one does it and the government is shut down.

* When the shutdown happens, old man Cruthers kicks Congress out of the Capitol for not paying him his rent. Congress then has to do all legislative action from the local Denny’s.

* While Congress is out of the Capitol, it’s usually converted back to its original function — whore house — which is sort of a lateral move.

* A good sign the government has shutdown will be seeing a pantsless Biden wandering around shouting, “Who dress me?” No, wait, that just means it’s Tuesday.

* During a shutdown, all national parks and monuments are closed. And you can’t even look at them during a shutdown because of a gypsy curse which was put on all national parks because of how we celebrate the opening of each park by murdering gypsies.

* During a shutdown, furloughed bureaucrats wander the streets just randomly interfering with things.

* There’s only one other government shutdown recorded in history and it was for the city of Atlantis. No one is sure what happened afterwards.

* We’re not completely out of government during a government shutdown because we always store some emergency government in our government reserves. There’s enough government there to keep anything useful happening for weeks.

* You may notice that during a government shutdown, the government doesn’t actually disappear but just gets a lot whinier.

* Most people will probably be unaffected by the government shutdown, but those affected most will be political humor writers who need the government running so they can make fun of it. Tip jar is on the left sidebar.

* During a shutdown, all non-essential government functions are shutdown, which is everything except for that guy in an underground bunker who hits a button every 108 minutes.

* In a fight between Aquaman and a government shutdown, Aquaman would help both sides come to conclusion that satisfies everyone. Everyone loves and respects Aquaman.

* The government shutdown is the perfect time to plot a caper to steal the Hope Diamond from the Smithsonian. I’ll need 10 more people who have diverse skills and personalities; who’s interested?

* If you find yourself in the midst of a government shutdown, don’t panic. In fact, don’t do anything. Who cares really?

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Know Thy Enemy: AR-15

Wednesday, September 18, 2013 11:00 am

The Navy Yard shooter has put the AR-15 in the news. Yes, the shooter didn’t use an AR-15 — he took Joe Biden’s advice and used a shotgun — but that didn’t stop newspapers from putting the AR-15 in its headlines because any time there is a shooting, you can’t help but think of that evil evil AR-15. Thus I’ve had my crack research staff find out all they can about the world’s most deadliest weapon.

FUN FACTS ABOUT THE AR-15

* The inventor of the AR-15 was Satan, though his patent has since expired.

* Scientists have confirmed the deadly effects of an AR-15 by giving it to a chimpanzee who then murdered them.

* Scientists agree that each year the AR-15 will grow more deadly until it kills everyone in the entire world.

* Some believe that Hitler was in fact an AR-15 in a rubber mask.

* In the Garden of Eden, God gave Adam and Eve access to every firearm out there except for the AR-15 which he told them not to touch because it was too evil. But then the NRA, in the guise of a serpent, told Eve that the AR-15 is really fun to shoot. So then Eve took the AR-15 and started shooting all the animals in the garden because she is one awesome chick.

* The part that makes the AR-15 so extra deadly is the handle on top. The AR-15 would be used in less murders if it were more inconvenient to carry.

* It was an AR-15 that told Miley Cyrus to dance like that.

* Bullets that are normally harmless will kill instantly when fired out of the AR-15.

* The reason AR-15s have that prominent handle on them is because the most requested feature for an assault rifle was to be able to carry it like a Hello Kitty lunch box.

* If you find yourself surrounded by AR-15, know that they will fire automatically if they sense fear.

* The AR-15 is easily concealable and can fit inside a matchbox.

* The AR-15 is the leading cause of global warming from how its bullets shoot holes in the ozone.

* A very small percentage of gun deaths are attributed to the AR-15 because it is very good at disguising itself as other guns to frame them.

* What are the differences between an M16 and an AR-15? Scientists agree that it is something.

* The AR-15 can be rendered harmless by giving it only a 10 round magazine as people always miss with the first ten rounds and an AR-15 takes an hour and a half to reload.

* The AR-15 can shoot through schools.

* In a battle between Aquaman and an AR-15, Aquaman would break down and buy it so people might think he’s more manly.

* There were no shooting deaths until the invention of an AR-15. No one even considered using a gun to shoot another human being until someone saw an AR-15 and said, “I bet I could use this to kill people.”

* There was an assault musket similar to the AR-15 used by the world’s most evil pirates, but it was pronounced “Arrr-15.”

* The Assault Weapon ban was needed because it is well known that an AR-15 with both a pistol grip and a flash suppressor would be unstoppable by any modern military.

* In Europe there is no such thing as an AR-15 and thus also no such thing as murders. Instead of being violent, people there just drink wine and smoke cigarettes all day.

* If the AR-15 were banned, it’s believed all gun deaths would end because even gun murders that didn’t use the AR-15 were inspired by the evil sight of that gun.

* If you are shot by an AR-15, you become one.

* The AR-15 is responsible for 95% of all deaths each year. The rest of the deaths are from obesity and drone strikes.

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Hurricane Survival Tips

Monday, October 29, 2012 11:00 am

There’s a big hurricane heading towards the east coast. I don’t live there anymore, so I don’t care that much. Still I’ve lived through a few hurricanes myself and know quite a bit about them. A long while ago I wrote some Fun Facts on hurricanes, and here some more tips for surviving a hurricane:

HURRICANE SURVIVAL TIPS

* You can’t let a hurricane know you’re scared of it as they can smell fear and will attack it. The safest place to be when a hurricane comes is out front of your house on the lawn shaking your fist at it.

* Make sure to have a hurricane survival kit well stocked with water, beef jerky, Pixy Stix, a chinchilla, various lengths of lead pipe, The Rock on DVD, a hairnet, bear mace, a jaunty hat, and a box labeled “Hurricane Survival Kit” that’s actually filled with snakes.

* The calmest part of a storm is its eye, so if the hurricane gets really stressful, go there to relax.

* If you see Joe Biden running out and trying to lick the hurricane, don’t tackle him and drag him back to shelter; leave that to the professionals in the Secret Service.

* If you’re going to fight the hurricane, attacks its clouds; that’s the weak spot.

* While watching out for the hurricane, don’t get caught unaware by the burrowcane which digs underground and attacks from below.

* Hurricanes are really just a bunch of wind and water, so don’t act too scared of it or everyone will think you’re a sissy.

* Don’t vote for Obama.

So those are all my tips. Follow them, and you should survive the hurricane. The surest sign the hurricane is over is when you hear an ice cream truck drive by. Then run out and get yourself some ice cream as a reward for surviving the hurricane!

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Know Thy Enemy: Koch Brothers

Wednesday, July 25, 2012 1:00 pm

Liberals are always going on and on about the Koch brothers. Even Aaron Sorkin in his parody of liberalism, Newsroom, recently went on and on about how the Koch brothers are behind the Tea Party and all other evil. But what do we really know about them? I sent my crack research staff to uncover all they could about these Koch brothers.

FUN FACTS ABOUT THE KOCH BROTHERS

* The names of the two brothers are Moloch and Baal.

* There is no actual evidence they are actually brothers. Or human.

* They have billions of dollars, mainly made by turning cute puppies into nuclear waste that they then dumped on orphans.

* They use their billions of dollars to make people against government using mind control rays, brainwashing, and think tanks.

* No one is actually against government spending, so the Tea Party is composed entirely of paid actors. Paid actors we’re quite certain will turn violent any day now.

* The three main motivations behind the Koch brothers are evil, pure evil, and double evil.

* No one ever self-identified as a conservative before the Koch brothers and their insidious money. If you think you were a conservative all your life, that’s just a false memory the Koch brothers implanted in your head using money.

* The Koch brothers had tricked liberals into thinking George W. Bush was behind every bad thing ever, but it is in fact the Koch brothers. And sometimes Palin.

* Don’t turn around; there’s a Koch brother behind you right now with money ready to influence you, and if you even look at him you’ll want small government.

* Half the thoughts in your head were put there by the Koch brothers’ money.

* If you find yourself surrounded by the Koch brothers and their money, then it’s too late for you. You probably already think government spending is too high.

* In a battle between the Koch brothers and Aquaman, Aquaman would be influenced by the Koch brothers’ evil money and join the Tea Party even though he used to love taxes.

* Everyone would think all the ideas of liberals are great if it weren’t for Koch brothers money. The fact that right now you’re thinking of punching liberals in their dumb, monkey faces is just the influence of their money. Fight their money influence; you can do it!

* KOCH BROTHERS!!!1!!111!!eleventy!!1!!

FULL DISCLOSURE: This post was paid for by the Koch brothers.

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Know Thy Enemy: The Middle East

Monday, March 28, 2011 12:02 pm

We just can’t avoid wars in the Middle East. Even sissy Obama couldn’t help but start another war there; there’s just too many jerks there in dire need of the business end of a cruise missile. So to help everyone out, I thought I’d task my crack research staff to find out all they could about the Middle East:

FUN FACTS ABOUT THE MIDDLE EAST

* Despite the name, the Middle East is really off-center to the left in the East.

* Many of today’s problems in the Middle East started when one guy — I forget his name — said, “You know what religion needs? More violence!”

* The Middle East’s best period was the Islamic Golden Age a thousand years ago. They were so happy with that era that they haven’t advanced a day since.

* Part of the reason the Islamic Golden Age was so great was because of access to genies who would grant any wish. Eventually, though, the Taliban beat all the genies to death for not having the proper beard length.

* The reason the Middle East hates Israel so much is that they’d like to blame how everything sucks on the region, but then a bunch of Jews come and make a country, and it’s the only one there that doesn’t look like it would benefit from a technology exchange with Fred Flintstone.

* If Charlton Heston’s character from Planet of the Apes had come from the Middle East, he would have immediately recognized it as earth, since it wouldn’t have looked very different from what he was used to.

* Also, at the end of the movie, he would have said, “Praise Allah, you blew it up! Take that, you infidels!”

* Americans tend to be quite confused by how people in the Middle East keep bringing up the Crusades, as our knowledge about it comes primarily from the beginning of Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves (and to a lesser extent, the beginning of Robin Hood: Men in Tights).

* The other thing besides the Crusades that makes the Middle East really mad at the West is how unfairly Indiana Jones fought that swordsman.

* There’s a lot of wrong, counter-productive thinking the Middle East. For instance, they refer to the the U.S. as the “Great Satan”, but Satan isn’t great; he’s a very bad man.

* The only reason people are interested in the Middle East is that it has oil. There are other places to get oil, but we really want that oil.

* I guess we could avoid oil and thus the Middle East by driving around in electric cars and building windmills… though it’s hard to tell if that’s a lifestyle for giving up oil or for giving up testicles.

* If you’re in the Middle East and find yourself surrounded by frumpy ninjas, don’t panic; that’s just women in burkas.

* I can’t guarantee they’re not trying to blow you up, though.

* People in the Middle East are constantly going on about the Islamic Golden Age and the Crusades even though that was a thousand years ago. They’re a bit like a sixty-year-old guy who lives in a broken down trailer home going on and on about his achievements in high school football. Also, he blows up other people’s houses.

* One of the groups that causes the most conflict in the Middle East are the Jews who keep stirring up trouble and anger with their incessant existing.

* There are lots of desert areas in the Middle East that are completely impassible due to violent roving gangs of camels.

* If you ever find yourself stuck in the Middle East, remember that there is pretty much no one there who eats bacon, so you should be able to buy it pretty cheap.

* A lot of people in the Middle East shout “Allahu Akbar!” because they think it’s a really cool thing to say before killing a guy, much like Ezekiel 25:17.

* One of the most powerful countries in the Middle East is Saudi Arabia, and they are always trying to gain favor with the West. It’s just kind of hard to take them seriously when all their leaders dress up like villains from a Disney cartoon.

* That, and all their oppressive laws which would have seemed backwards in Ancient Greece.

* Considering how awful and desolate most of the Middle East is, you’d think more people would just move instead of war over it, but cardboard boxes are a lot more expensive than you think.

* Many in the Middle East complain about American intervention, but it’s actually pretty hard to notice the Americans blowing people up over them blowing each other up. Remember this is a place where “Kite Festival; Eleven Dead” is an actual headline.

* Suicide bombing was invented in the Middle East because the men there were just too lazy to run away from bombs after planting them.

* Some in the Middle East have dreams of conquering the whole world, but it’s kind of hard to do when your military tech lags behind that of the Boy Scouts of America.

* There are a lot of horrible dictators in the Middle East, and they survive by distracting people with made up problems. For instance, despite the poverty, oppression, and war in the Middle East, a recent survey of people there identified the biggest problems the Middle East faced as Jews and Piglet from Winnie the Pooh.

* In a fight between the Middle East and Aquaman, it would quickly turn into a quagmire which would benefit Aquaman’s aqua-powers.

* The Middle East are the only people who watch Mad Men and marvel at the advanced views towards women.

* Despite all its problems, one day the Middle East could be a modern society and a contributor to science and technology. That will probably be after Israel conquers the whole region.

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Know Thy Enemy: Suspicious Packages

Monday, November 1, 2010 1:03 pm

We may be all focused on election issues right now, but beyond silly politics we have to remember the important fact that there are still people out there who want Americans dead. To highlight that point, bombs were mailed out Friday. They were stopped, but what if they had been delivered? Then citizens would have to be dealing with suspicious packages on their own. To help with that, I had my crack research staff find out all they could about suspicious packages so everyone can be more prepared in the future.

FUN FACTS ABOUT SUSPICIOUS PACKAGES

* Suspicious packages date all the way back to ancient times with enemies would mail each other saber-toothed tigers.

* Just remember, the package is even more suspicious of you.

* Don’t be suspicious of a package just because it’s in a dark box. That’s racist.

* Just because the package contains a bomb doesn’t mean it’s suspicious. Check your Amazon account to make sure you didn’t order a bomb while you were drunk.

* Don’t rush to open a suspicious package just because it says, “Free Candy!” on the outside. Then again, don’t wait too long because it might be a type of candy that could spoil.

* If you have a suspicious package, call the police and have them open it. You can also do that if you have a normal looking package that you’re just too lazy to open.

* If you hear a ticking sound coming from a suspicious package, open it immediately because Cogsworth could be trapped inside!

* If the package is from Yemen and doesn’t contain a bomb, that’s actually pretty suspicious.

* Shake any package you receive really really hard before opening to subdue any angry squirrels that might be packed inside.

* Be suspicious of any package with wires sticking out of it… unless you ordered a bunch of wires from Radio Shack. In that case, you’re the weirdo to be suspicious of.

* In battle between Aquaman and a suspicious package, Aquaman knows to be suspicious of any package since he doesn’t really have any friends who send him anything and the only packages he ever receives are traps from Black Manta. Then again, this latest package says, “Free Candy!” on it…

* Be suspicious of any package with white powder on it. Try tasting the powder; if it tastes sweet, it’s okay. If it tastes anthraxy, that could be trouble.

* If you’re mailing a package that you accidentally made suspicious looking, write, “Not a bomb!” on the outside to help out the recipient.

* Even if a suspicious package has a bomb in it, if it was sent cross country by UPS it’s most likely too smashed up to be operative.

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Know Thy Enemy: Bedbugs

Wednesday, September 1, 2010 1:02 pm

There has been a resurgence lately of bedbugs, especially in New York City, so I thought I’d do everyone a favor and get my crack research team to find out all they can on the menace known as bedbugs.

FUN FACT ABOUT BEDBUGS

* Bedbugs live on mammal blood, though they sometimes eat at Arby’s.

* Among the college-age, they’re known as futonbugs.

* Bedbugs sleep all day and then come out at night and drink your blood. Sometimes they don’t even leave marks so you wouldn’t even know the next day. You’re probably covered in bed bug bites and bed bug eggs right now and don’t even know it. Stay away from me! Unclean!

* Despite the name, bedbugs are not true bugs. Nothing is a true bug to scientists, in fact. To them, “bug” is a title you strive for but can never quite achieve.

* If you know your home has bedbugs, whatever you do, don’t tell anyone. People will assume you live in filth and shun you like an Amish man with an iPod.

* Bedbugs had mainly died out in the first half of the last century, but then had a resurgence starting in in the mid-nineties, probably reintroduced by Bill Clinton sleeping around with people.

* In a fight between Aquaman and bedbugs, Aquaman would be pretty safe because he sleeps underwater. And frankly, Aquaman doesn’t care if you’re itchy.

* If you find yourself surrounded by bedbugs, whatever you do, don’t fall asleep. Especially if they’ve teamed up with Freddy Kruger.

* Bedbugs have had the biggest resurgence in New York City. Apparently, the things that repel bedbugs are smoking, transfats, and salt.

* Many people will tell others, “Goodnight; don’t let the bedbugs bite.” But they’re not like vampires; you don’t have to invite them in. They’ll drink your blood even without permission.

* Actually, since they already drink blood, how could you even tell if a bedbug had become a vampire? I’d sleep with some garlic just in case.

* Are you feeling itchy right now? A little itchy somewhere? I bet you’re feeling a little itchy. Bedbugs!

* If you think you have bedbugs, spray with DDT. The EPA may object, but you can just bind and gag the EPA agents and throw them in your crawl space as that’s completely environmentally safe.

* There are dogs trained to sniff out bedbugs and they are very efficient at it, though not as efficient as the dogs trained to find cooked bacon.

* A serious bedbug infestation can cause anxiety, stress, insomnia, and, if the the bedbugs are radioactive, superpowers.

* I bet you’re feeling itchy. Bedbugs!

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Know Thy Enemy: Vuvuzela

Thursday, June 17, 2010 1:01 pm

Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Did you try watching a game of the World Cup? Did you originally just think soccer was boring, but after five minutes of watching want to murder everyone involved with the game? That’s because of the vuvuzela, perhaps the most awful object in existence. I sent my crack research team to find out all they could about those noisemakers (though I forbade them to blow into one) and here is what they found:

FUN FACTS ABOUT THE VUVUZELA

* The vuvuzela was made in a collaboration of Hitler and Satan. They have sense profusely apologized.

* The vuvuzela was created in South Africa after apartheid ended and the country needed something just as awful to take its place.

* The vuvuzela is the only noisemaker known to cause deaf people watching a sport at home to hit the mute button.

* The vuvuzela really took off in 2001 when Masincedane Sport started mass marketing a plastic version of it, an act that was called “unconscionable” by people who sell tainted crack to schoolchildren.

* The object of vuvuzela blowing during a soccer match is to blow it continuously throughout the game without stopping to express your complete hatred for the world and all living things.

* The sound of the vuvuzela has been described as “a stampede of noisy elephants”, “a deafening swarm of locusts”, “a goat on the way to slaughter”, and “complete contempt for both God and man”.

* If surrounded by people blowing the vuvuzela, you’d think the smart thing to do would be to jab out your eardrums with a pen, but the horrible sound would still be stuck in your brain. Yes, the only escape is sweet, sweet death.

* The sound of the vuvuzela can be mistaken for a mating call by giant mutant bees.

* The vuvuzela causes both hearing loss and the desire for hearing loss.

* Many believe the vuvuzela to be the worst object in existence, even worse than clamshell packaging. In fact, if vuvuzela came in clamshell packaging, thus making it nigh impossible for a purchaser to get one out and blow into it, clamshell packaging would singlehandedly redeem itself.

* In a fight between a vuvuzela and Aquaman, Aquaman would accidentally swim to crush depths and die to escape the annoying sound.

* The only way to stop a vuvuzela is to stop people from blowing in it, and the only way to stop people from blowing in it is to make sure there is no air. Thus the vuvuzela has inspired a campaign to destroy all plant life.

* In response to the outcry, people have said that the vuvuzela is part of South African culture… as apparently so is sociopathy.

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Know Thy Enemy: Volcanoes 2.0

Tuesday, April 20, 2010 1:02 pm

With volcanoes in the news lately, I thought I’d do a Know Thy Enemy on them. Then I found out I already did one. Well, Science! has advanced a lot since then and numerous more facts are known about volcanoes, so I had my crack research team come up with an even more comprehensive list of what we know about volcanoes:

FUN FACTS ABOUT VOLCANOES

* Volcanoes erupt when, deep within the earth, deposits of baking soda mix with deposits of vinegar.

* Volcanoes are like mountains… but with a gooey center!

* What a volcano kills most people with is its lava… or is it its smoke. Well, whatever it is, just stay the hell away from whatever comes out of a volcano.

* Iceland names their volcanoes by repeatedly smashing their palm into a keyboard.

* Where lava comes from is deep within the earth. If you dig a lot, after getting through the dirt, you’ll hit hot magma. And then China.

* If you dig a hole that flows magma into China, the Chinese will get angry. Stupid Commies.

* Scientists say that global warming can cause volcanoes. If you think that’s idiotic, Science! has also proved that global warming causes idiotic scientific arguments, so bad Science! is even more proof of global warming, stupids!

* Many islands have volcanoes. This is much more dramatic because then you can’t just drive away from the slowly moving magma.

* Volcanoes can easily shut down air travel any time they want, which is why most volcanoes are on the “No Fly” list.

* I’d hope on a normal day, though, they still wouldn’t let someone named Eyjafjallajökull on a plane.

* To stop a volcano, throw a virgin in it. Sluts only make it angrier.

* Volcanoes can contribute to mass extinction events, so if you see lots of animals around you dying and can’t figure out why, the killer is probably either a volcano or a butler.

* A volcanic explosion puts a huge amount of pollution into the air, making it comparable to Al Gore.

* If the volcano you see is hollowed out, look out for evil geniuses.

* If you see a lava flow coming towards you, jump! Maybe it will cool to regular harmless rock before you hit the ground.

* Childhood obesity is another cause of volcanic eruptions. I’m not sure how, but I just really hate fat kids and I’m pretty sure volcanoes do to.

* Extremely large volcanoes capable of causing mass extinction events are called “supervolcaoes”. Volcanoes capable of climbing walls and sensing danger are called “spider-volcanoes”.

* The reason things get so hot within the earth is because the earth is spinning. To demonstrate this effect, spin around really fast and then take your temperature.

* In a fight between a volcano and Aquaman, the exact results of the fight wouldn’t be known until ten thousand years later when Aquaman’s remains are unearthed from the rock.

* If you think you see an erupting volcano, call the police. Someone should know about it.

* A volcano can explode with far more power than a nuclear bomb, and yet the earth refuses to take part in disarmament talks.

* Whatever you do, don’t let your kids play on a volcano’s edge unless it has railing.

* The Roman god most closely associated with volcanoes is Vulcan, god of logic and bowl haircuts.

* The site of Yellowstone National Park was once a giant volcano. If that ever goes off again, expect park services to ask for more money. They’re always looking for an excuse to ask for more money.

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Know Thy Enemy: Government-Run Health Care

Tuesday, March 9, 2010 12:04 pm

President Obama is working really hard to enact a health care plan, and we all know this is just his first step towards complete control of health care by the government. Thus, I thought I’d send my crack research team to find out all they can about government-run health care.

FUN FACTS ABOUT GOVERNMENT-RUN HEALTH CARE

* The reason some think the government should take over health care is because they think health care is a right, but instead of an oppressive government infringing on that right, it’s economics and reality.

* Government-run health care is being pushed right now because of the crisis of the uninsured, a crisis America has been suffering for about 233 years.

* For a while now, Canada has had government-run health care, meaning the costs of health care have to be balanced with all other government expenses. Usually a hundred people are denied a doctor’s care anytime the curling teams need to purchase new stones.

* If you find yourself surrounded by government-run health care, don’t worry; it will probably just ignore you, even if you’re in need of emergency care.

* There are worries that government-run health care could lead to lower quality doctors, but doctors should be happy to work for lower pay as long as we can repeal the 13th Amendment.

* Proponents of government-run health care say that death panels will never become a reality… just as long as the bureaucrats running health care don’t realize, “Hey, if sick people just died, we’d save lots of money.”

* Wolverine’s self-healing ability was evolved in response to Canada’s government-run health care.

* Rationing could mean that people thinking of escaping a reality controlled by computers may no longer have the option of both the red and the blue pill.

* President Obama says having the government create the new entitlement of health care will actually save us money. This is because he plans to enact it on opposite day.

* If you think you see government-run health care killing people, don’t panic. Instead, just think of all the savings.

* Liberals want you to know that the government taking over 16% of the economy won’t affect your freedom. They also want to remind you that a happy attitude about it will be factored into rationing.

* The Clintons tried to enact government-run health care in the ’90s, but it ended up that half of the proposed bill were sketches by Bill Clinton of what the nurses’ uniform should look like.

* In a fight between government-run health care and Aquaman, Aquaman would die from being out of the water for too long while waiting for a simple blood test.

* Star Trek shows what a future of universal health care will look like. Basically, if you don’t get good care, someone will go back in time and retcon you out of existence.

* If given a chance, government-run health care will kill you, your family, and everyone you care about. Then again, it’s completely free.

* Despite all the changes, liberals will make sure the most basic right in health care won’t be affected: the ability of a trial lawyer to make millions of dollars in malpractice suits.

* Government-run health care is going to fix health care by making sure your needs are no longer determined by a heartless corporation but instead by a heartless bureaucrat who also has the power to imprison you if you don’t do as he says.

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In Celebration of the Olympics…

Tuesday, February 16, 2010 10:00 am

I thought it would be appropriate to dig Frank J’s “Know Thy Enemy: Canada” out of the archives so that it can be enjoyed by a new generation of IMAO readers.

And also by the old generation, who, sadly, is afflicted with Alzheimer’s and completely forgot they read this in 2004.


Canada always seemed to be too inconsequential to be an enemy, but I sent my crack research staff to find out what they can about Canada to see for sure if our neighbor to the north can be trusted.

FUN FACTS ABOUT CANADA

* Canada was originally populated by peoples loyal to Britain and dumb people who just got lost.

* Canada is still technically owned by England and has to dance for them when commanded.

* That happens usually three times a year.

* The border between U.S. and Canada is the longest unprotected border in the world. There are plans to mine it, set up video cameras all along it, and not tell Canada for a new Fox special called When Americans Are Bastards.

* It is rumored Canada has its own military. Their most powerful weapon is the telephone with which they can call America and say, “Help! We’re being invaded, eh!”

* Canadians are almost as genetically similar to humans as the chimpanzee.

* Was originally called Cana, but, since everyone there said, “I live in Cana, duuuuh,” the name Canada eventually stuck.

* For the same reasons, it will eventually be known as Canadada.

* Their national symbol is the most evil of leafs, the Maple Leaf, a.k.a. Satan’s Palm.

* In a fight between Aquaman and a maple leaf… actually, a maple leaf is even too lame for Aquaman. Our national symbol, the bald eagle, would whup Aquaman’s ass, though.

* Canadians pretend to be peaceful, but more Canadians are murdered in Canada every year than any other country.

* Canada modeled their currency after ours just to annoy us when we accidentally get useless Canadian trinkets in change instead of hard American currency.

* Canada has a picture of a queen on their money to show their contempt for democracy.

* A large minority of Canadians speak French, and they boss around the rest of the Canadians. Bossed around by French-speaking people – that’s so pathetic I can’t even imagine it.

* Canadians think they are superior to Americans. The rational basis for this is unknown.

* Canada holds up a sham democracy to try and be accepted by the civilized world, but in fact all real decisions are made by their moose overlord.

* It’s a myth that the normal way a Canadian says “about” is so that it rhymes with “boot”. It just happens that a lot of Canadians are retarded.

* The northern area of Canada is technically God-forsaken. If anyone there has a prayer, he or she first has to mail it to an American priest for God to hear it.

* Most of the prayers involve hockey and are promptly ignored.

* If a Canadian ever tries to express an opinion about America, hit him on the head with a rolled up newspaper while shouting, “No!” You have to catch them in the act or they’ll never learn.

* Canada has gone its entire history without doing anything of note, something almost unheard of for a country its size.

* Canada has become an entry point for terrorists which has caused Canada’s boring index to decrease slightly.

* Canada doesn’t have all the beliefs in liberty and freedom of speech that we have. So, if you have to go to Canada, make sure to bring a gun to help them recognize.

* Canada is so defective that it loses gravity for six hours every month.

* Canada has no known industry. It’s believed all their income comes from sales of syrup and hockey tickets.

* Canadians have universal healthcare. The way they afford it is making people wait so long that most die before seeing a doctor.

* Canadians are completely harmless, but don’t assume someone who is wearing a hockey mask is Canadian. The people at Crystal Lake made that mistake and, well, it was messy.

* Canadians don’t have any nuclear missiles because we decided they are not mature enough for them. Maybe when they’re older.

* Canadians have national gun registration. While solving no crime, the excessive amount of money the initiative has taken has foiled Canada’s evil schemes to make mutant snow monkeys.

* If ever attacked by a Canadian… well… beat the crap out of him. What? You can’t take a Canadian? What kind of pansy are you?

* This list would be classified as a hate crime in Canada.

* Actually, most Canadians who read this list would just say, “Eh?”


Vice President Bidenda

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Tips About Visiting Yellowstone National Park

Monday, June 8, 2009 1:40 pm

I had fun at Yellowstone last week, but I’d thought I’d compile some tips about the park to help anyone else who is planning to visit there.

TIPS ABOUT VISITING YELLOWSTONE

* Make sure any ranger station you visit is an actual ranger station listed on the maps of Yellowstone. Bears often set up phony ranger stations and maul anyone who enters.

* Yellowstone sits on a miles wide super volcano, so when visiting the park always know where the nearest virgin is in case you need to offer a sacrifice to stave off an explosion.

* Buffalo are extremely docile creatures unless you make fun of their street magic.

* If you shoot a bear for stealing your picnic basket, it’s not considered self-defense. Especially if you also shoot and kill his little tag-along.

* If you are surrounded by a wolf pack, yell really loud and kick the largest one in the head to assert your dominance. Now they will be your wolf pack and punish your enemies.

* Don’t get angry when the park rangers yell at you for peeing in a geyser. Hot steam comes out of those, so they’re just looking out for your wang.

* If a grizzly bear seems hostile, that just means it needs a hug.

* During a thunderstorm, stay away from moose. Their antlers attract lightning bolts. Each male moose gets struck by lightning an average of eight times per year.

* Old Faithful only get its name because it seems so faithful compared to the other geysers which are all lying sluts.

* Remember to bring bear mace with you in case while visiting Yellowstone you need to spray someone in the face that you’re bounty hunting.

* Even though your tax dollars pay their salary, park rangers in Yellowstone get pretty pissy when you start shooting random animals in the face.

* If you are chased by a bear, play dead. If you are chased by wolves, play undead as they’re scared of zombies.

* If while driving through Yellowstone you count how many trees there are, you win a prize.

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Know Thy Enemy: Nancy Pelosi

Tuesday, May 19, 2009 1:07 pm

With Nancy Pelosi in the news so much lately, I though people might want to know more about her. Thus, I sent my crack research staff to find out all they could about her. Get ready to update Wikipedia!

FUN FACTS ABOUT NANCY PELOSI

* Nancy Pelosi had to exploit her connections in government to get approval to build her gingerbread house.

* Despite her appearance and that she’s from San Francisco, reportedly Pelosi is not an old tranny.

* If the pressure used to stretch back Pelosi’s face were ever released, it could take out a city block.

* Every time Pelosi lies, her face stretches tighter.

* Pelosi’s favorite food is the tears of crying children.

* Humans have a natural, untaught fear of snakes, spiders, and Pelosi’s smiling visage.

* Nancy Pelosi was the inspiration for the Cloverfield monster.

* As an official in San Francisco, Pelosi personally took away Dirty Harry’s badge on four separate occasions.

* Common Pelosi rebuttal in political debates: “I’ll suck out your life juices!”

* Pelosi’s tramp stamp is the Chinese symbol for “dessicated.”

* If Pelosi looks at you and bares her teeth (“smiles”), that means she is about to attack. Shield face and groin.

* Pelosi’s iPod is filled with nothing but the sounds kittens make when they’re strangled.

* Contrary to popular rumors, Pelosi will not melt when she comes in contact with water. But she will multiply.

* Instead of Nana or Grammy, Pelosi’s nickname from her grandchildren is “Proof there is no God.”

* In a fight between Nancy Pelosi and Aquaman, Pelosi would claim Aquaman never told her that he planned to submerge his enemies in water.

* Pelosi has hired the Jim Henson Creature Shop to give her a wider range of facial expressions.

* Pelosi doesn’t shake hands and kiss babies because she tends to frighten people when she exclaims, “Mmm… fresh baby!”

* Currently, in San Francisco the phrase “The San Francisco Treat” refers to a bag over Pelosi’s head.

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Know Thy Enemy: Pirates – Ver 2.0

Friday, April 17, 2009 12:09 pm

Pirates are a problem these days. A long while back, IMAO put out a Know Thy Enemy: Pirates but apparently it didn’t work because pirates are still causing trouble. I decided it needed to be updated so I asked my new crack research team (Basil and spacemonkey) to help find out all they could about pirates.

FUN FACTS ABOUT PIRATES

* Piracy started quite accidentally when one ship crew realized how fun it was to board another ship while yelling “Arr!” and laughing heartily.

* Today’s pirates tend to have AK-47s instead of muskets which is considered cheating. Don’t let a Navy SEAL catch you cheating!

* If you see a man with a long beard, it could be the fearsome Blackbeard the pirate! If the beard is somewhat light colored, he’s probably just a member of ZZ Top. Either way, use caution.

* If people plunder you on the sea, that piracy. If people plunder you on land, that’s the Obama administration.

* Many pirates settled in Canada where after years of peace and maple syrup, their “Arr!” faded into an “Eh”.

* No matter how much a pirate says to do it, he’ll actually get angry if you shake his timbers.

* Piracy is covered by the United Nations Convention on the Law of the Sea, meaning that, following an attack by pirates, the U.N. will debate the issue for months before passing a resolution demanding that pirates think about what they are doing, and that if the pirates keep being pirates, the U.N. will consider passing another resolution.

* Reason why so many pirates are missing limbs and eyes: Fred Thompson.

* A lot of people when boarding your ship may claim to be pirates, but make sure to ask for identification. If someone is murdering your crew and stealing your booty but doesn’t have the proper ID, make sure to report it to the pirate union.

* In response to piracy, Obama plans to open talks with Tortuga with no preconditions.

* The United States has not ratified the United Nations Convention on the Law of the Sea, meaning that if pirates capture a U.S. vessel, Navy SEALs can shoot the pirates in the head.

* The pirate flag of skull and cross bones is called the “Jolly Roger” because whoever decided to name it was really gay.

* Jolly Ranchers have no relation to the Jolly Roger… that I know of. To be on the safe side, though, if you see a bunch of Jolly Rancher wrappers lying about, be prepared for a pirate attack!

* The Marine Hymn lyrics “to the shores of Tripoli” refer to the U.S. response to the Barbary Pirates in the early 19th century. If the Somali pirates understood English, they’d have known not to screw around with the American military.

* If surrounded by pirates, ask for “parlay”. That will give you time to escape while they look that up on Wikipedia.

* If someone boards your land going vessel and steals it, that’s a carjacker, not a pirate. You can still run him through with a cutlass, though.

* If 4 Somali teenagers get in a boat and call themselves pirates, they can capture a boat with a crew of 21. If those same teenagers try to capture a Ford pickup in Alabama, their bullet-riddled bodies will be found with tire tracks across their backs.

* A pirate ship can be recognized by the bumper sticker: “Pirates get more booty”

* If pirates take someone hostage, you’ll probably get the person back unharmed if you pay the ransom. You’ll also get the person back unharmed if you shoot all the pirates dead, plus that’s cheaper.

* And funnier.

* Cap’n Crunch gained his commission and command of the Good Ship Guppy after bringing Jean LaFoote, the Barefoot Pirate, to justice.

* Pirates idea to bury their treasure ending up being quite a sound investment strategy this past year.

* Captain Hook, the pirate nemesis of Peter Pan, attended Eton College. Hook, the starting quarterback in his team’s Sugar Bowl loss to Florida, fumbled on the goal line when the Gators’ middle linebacker bit off his hand.

* You may be able to avoid getting attacked by pirates if you drape a sign over the side of your vessel reading, “Radio Broken”.

* Long John Silver began his adult career as a pirate, but discovered he had a talent for cooking. He gave up his life of crime to open a series of Burger King franchises after his successful lawsuit against Jerrico, Inc.

* If you’re really worried about pirates, go to Taco Bell. I’ve never seen one there, and I like their chalupas.

* The most famous historical pirates are Edward Teach (Blackbeard), Jean Lafitte, William Kidd, and Willie Stargell.

* When fighting pirates, you may think the man with the big hat is the leader, but it’s actually the parrot on his shoulder. Take that bird out first!

* Privateers are often confused with pirates. The main difference is that the president has called for an end to privacy.

* The plank is a result of pirates starting to build a second connected ship and then just getting too lazy.

* Some famous pirates in literature are Captain Jack Sparrow, the Dread Pirate Roberts, and Joe Biden.

* Pirates are vulnerable to cutlasses, scurvy, and sniper-bullets to the head.

* In a fight between Aquaman and pirates, Aquaman would… hmm, enemies at sea. This one is actually a job for Aquaman. Weird.

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Know Thy Enemy: Socialists

Wednesday, March 11, 2009 12:10 pm

Socialists seems to be a rising problem in America, so I sent out my crack research staff to find out as much as they could about them. Here are their findings:

FUN FACTS ABOUT SOCIALISTS

* The first socialist was Thog the Puny, who never hunted but thought he should be in charge of how the kills were distributed. He was brutally clubbed to death by the other caveman, and no one blamed them.

* The name “Socialist” is kinda ironic since they’re not very social on account of everyone hating them.

* Much like the marriage of chocolate and peanut butter, socialism was made through the happenstance union of meddlesomeness and uselessness.

* The Founding Fathers originally wanted to put the proper punishment for socialists in the Constitution, but decided the phrase “musket to the junk” just wasn’t appropriate for the document.

* If you think you see a socialist, report him to the nearest business owner so he can club him to death.

* When socialism destroys the country, many terrorist groups will try to claim credit. Hey, if you want credit for it you better start registering Democrat right now, terrorists.

* Oh, you’re already on top of that.

* Using socialism to help revive a failing economy is like putting angry weasels down your pants because you need some rest.

* How do you tell a socialist from a communist? It what color they burn when you set them on fire.

* Socialists have a new weapon — the stimulus. With this, they’ll reward failing businesses with your money. And why won’t that work to help the economy? Capitalism!

* If you find yourself surrounded by socialists, don’t panic. Just try to find the first flight out of Europe.

* The socialists main friend is the deadbeat, someone just as lazy and useless as socialist but who never had the idea to turn that into a political ideology.

* Obama was first enchanted by the ideals of socialism when he took a economics class while coked out of his mind.

* There are a lot of socialists in the animal kingdom… no wait, not the animal kingdom. What kingdom are viruses in?

* In a fight between Aquaman and socialists, Aquaman will end up penniless and on the streets since all his money will have been taken away to pay for the mortgage Black Manta took out knowing full well he couldn’t afford it.

* If a socialist bites you, immediately clean and cauterize the wound before you lose half your income to lazy people.

* The socialist’s main weaknesses are actual work and ass-kickings.

* Oh, and clubs.

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Know Thy Enemy: Hamas – Ver. 2.0

Monday, January 5, 2009 12:30 pm

Hamas sure seems to like provoking Jews into killing them, so as a public service I thought I’d send my crack research staff to revisit and revise their facts about Hamas before research about Hamas becomes a job solely for anthropologists.

FUN FACTS ABOUT HAMAS

* Hamas was founded in 1987 according to some site I found with Google. I was eight years old then and wanted to be a fireman or an astronaut. Blowing up Jews had not crossed my mind.

* Hamas is Arabic for “dumb @#$% with explosives”.

* Contrary to popular belief, Hamas has nothing to do with ham. Actually, if you throw hams at them, they’ll get angry.

* Make sure to keep Hamas away from your Jews.

* I don’t like to loosely throw around charges of anti-Semitism, but I don’t think Hamas members like Jews.

* Hamas protects their armaments by hiding them among children so Israel will hesitate to shoot back. For a ground war, Hamas is planning on wearing vests covered in live puppies. Killing terrorists isn’t worth harming an innocent puppy, is it?

* If you’re surrounded by members of Hamas, shout, “One of you is secretly a Jew!” Then watch them shoot each other while screaming, “Who Jew?” It’s high-larious!

* One of the reasons that they keep attacking is that none of the Hamas members knows what “ceasefire” means and are too embarrassed to ask.

* If a Hamas member says he wants peace, it’s a trick! Shoot him the head.

* If a Hamas member says he wants to borrow the sports section from your newspaper, it’s a trick! Shoot him in the head.

* Hamas has a wing that’s devoted to charities. It’s a lot like the Salvation Army… if the Salvation Army murdered Jews.

* Actually, if you see a guy ringing a bell around Christmas, make sure he’s with Salvation Army and not a Hamas member before you give him money.

* If you’re in a cafe in Israel, and someone runs in there and indiscriminately starts shooting people, he could be a member of Hamas, so be careful.

* Hamas is a big part of the “cycle of violence”. They launch rockets at Israel, and then Israel is like, “Hey, don’t do that.” And thus the cycle of violence continues.

* The cycle of violence will continue on forever… or until Israel finally gets fed up and nukes the crap out of everyone.

* If you think you see a Hamas member, make sure to report him to the nearest heavily armed Jew.

* Hamas’s objective is to act like crazed murders to provoke Israel into a larger war where all the Muslim world comes together to destroy Israel. So far it hasn’t worked since the rest of the Muslim world like getting killed by Jews even less than Hamas.

* Hell, even I don’t like getting killed by Jews.

* If Hamas were actually able to destroy Israel, they would then go on to form the Muslim version of a utopia, i.e., ignorant Muslims killing each other over pieces of God-forsaken land. So it would be pretty much like the rest of the Middle East.

* Actually, without the oil, there really isn’t much of a point to that region, is there? We probably wouldn’t even bother mapping the area and just write “Here there be tygers.” But I digress.

* In a fight between Hamas and Aquaman, Hamas members would run into the ocean to try and suicide bomb Aquaman and all drown. Good job, Aquaman.

* Hamas tends to yell and complain a lot when Israel targets and kills their leaders, but they don’t like it when Israel targets and kills their children either. Hey, pick one and shut up.

* Sometimes Hamas members blow themselves up in their own apartments when they try making bombs. That makes me giggle. Hee hee.

* Many liberals feel a great amount of sympathy for Hamas as they’re a lot alike since they’re both misunderstood, smelly, and wish to indiscriminately kill the Jews.

* Members of Hamas, much like the northern short-tailed shrew, are largely illiterate.

* Maybe Isarelis and Hamas could all get along if they just hugged.

* No! Don’t hug the Hamas members; it’s a trick! They’re just going to blow up!

* For most combatants, the object is to kill the enemy while not being killed. Hamas had the idea, “Hey, what if we kill the enemy and kill ourselves at the same time?” And thus suicide bombing was born. It’s not a great idea, but you have to give Hamas props for thinking outside the box.

* Hamas won’t rest until the Jews are pushed out into the sea. That will significantly improve the GDP of the sea.

* If you make a Mexican laugh, and he wants an encore, he’d say, “Ha! Mas!”

* I think that means I’m about out of fun facts.

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