Pirates are a problem these days. A long while back, IMAO put out a Know Thy Enemy: Pirates but apparently it didn’t work because pirates are still causing trouble. I decided it needed to be updated so I asked my new crack research team (Basil and spacemonkey) to help find out all they could about pirates.

FUN FACTS ABOUT PIRATES

* Piracy started quite accidentally when one ship crew realized how fun it was to board another ship while yelling “Arr!” and laughing heartily.

* Today’s pirates tend to have AK-47s instead of muskets which is considered cheating. Don’t let a Navy SEAL catch you cheating!

* If you see a man with a long beard, it could be the fearsome Blackbeard the pirate! If the beard is somewhat light colored, he’s probably just a member of ZZ Top. Either way, use caution.

* If people plunder you on the sea, that piracy. If people plunder you on land, that’s the Obama administration.

* Many pirates settled in Canada where after years of peace and maple syrup, their “Arr!” faded into an “Eh”.

* No matter how much a pirate says to do it, he’ll actually get angry if you shake his timbers.

* Piracy is covered by the United Nations Convention on the Law of the Sea, meaning that, following an attack by pirates, the U.N. will debate the issue for months before passing a resolution demanding that pirates think about what they are doing, and that if the pirates keep being pirates, the U.N. will consider passing another resolution.

* Reason why so many pirates are missing limbs and eyes: Fred Thompson.

* A lot of people when boarding your ship may claim to be pirates, but make sure to ask for identification. If someone is murdering your crew and stealing your booty but doesn’t have the proper ID, make sure to report it to the pirate union.

* In response to piracy, Obama plans to open talks with Tortuga with no preconditions.

* The United States has not ratified the United Nations Convention on the Law of the Sea, meaning that if pirates capture a U.S. vessel, Navy SEALs can shoot the pirates in the head.

* The pirate flag of skull and cross bones is called the “Jolly Roger” because whoever decided to name it was really gay.

* Jolly Ranchers have no relation to the Jolly Roger… that I know of. To be on the safe side, though, if you see a bunch of Jolly Rancher wrappers lying about, be prepared for a pirate attack!

* The Marine Hymn lyrics “to the shores of Tripoli” refer to the U.S. response to the Barbary Pirates in the early 19th century. If the Somali pirates understood English, they’d have known not to screw around with the American military.

* If surrounded by pirates, ask for “parlay”. That will give you time to escape while they look that up on Wikipedia.

* If someone boards your land going vessel and steals it, that’s a carjacker, not a pirate. You can still run him through with a cutlass, though.

* If 4 Somali teenagers get in a boat and call themselves pirates, they can capture a boat with a crew of 21. If those same teenagers try to capture a Ford pickup in Alabama, their bullet-riddled bodies will be found with tire tracks across their backs.

* A pirate ship can be recognized by the bumper sticker: “Pirates get more booty”

* If pirates take someone hostage, you’ll probably get the person back unharmed if you pay the ransom. You’ll also get the person back unharmed if you shoot all the pirates dead, plus that’s cheaper.

* And funnier.

* Cap’n Crunch gained his commission and command of the Good Ship Guppy after bringing Jean LaFoote, the Barefoot Pirate, to justice.

* Pirates idea to bury their treasure ending up being quite a sound investment strategy this past year.

* Captain Hook, the pirate nemesis of Peter Pan, attended Eton College. Hook, the starting quarterback in his team’s Sugar Bowl loss to Florida, fumbled on the goal line when the Gators’ middle linebacker bit off his hand.

* You may be able to avoid getting attacked by pirates if you drape a sign over the side of your vessel reading, “Radio Broken”.

* Long John Silver began his adult career as a pirate, but discovered he had a talent for cooking. He gave up his life of crime to open a series of Burger King franchises after his successful lawsuit against Jerrico, Inc.

* If you’re really worried about pirates, go to Taco Bell. I’ve never seen one there, and I like their chalupas.

* The most famous historical pirates are Edward Teach (Blackbeard), Jean Lafitte, William Kidd, and Willie Stargell.

* When fighting pirates, you may think the man with the big hat is the leader, but it’s actually the parrot on his shoulder. Take that bird out first!

* Privateers are often confused with pirates. The main difference is that the president has called for an end to privacy.

* The plank is a result of pirates starting to build a second connected ship and then just getting too lazy.

* Some famous pirates in literature are Captain Jack Sparrow, the Dread Pirate Roberts, and Joe Biden.

* Pirates are vulnerable to cutlasses, scurvy, and sniper-bullets to the head.

* In a fight between Aquaman and pirates, Aquaman would… hmm, enemies at sea. This one is actually a job for Aquaman. Weird.

Socialists seems to be a rising problem in America, so I sent out my crack research staff to find out as much as they could about them. Here are their findings:

FUN FACTS ABOUT SOCIALISTS

* The first socialist was Thog the Puny, who never hunted but thought he should be in charge of how the kills were distributed. He was brutally clubbed to death by the other caveman, and no one blamed them.

* The name “Socialist” is kinda ironic since they’re not very social on account of everyone hating them.

* Much like the marriage of chocolate and peanut butter, socialism was made through the happenstance union of meddlesomeness and uselessness.

* The Founding Fathers originally wanted to put the proper punishment for socialists in the Constitution, but decided the phrase “musket to the junk” just wasn’t appropriate for the document.

* If you think you see a socialist, report him to the nearest business owner so he can club him to death.

* When socialism destroys the country, many terrorist groups will try to claim credit. Hey, if you want credit for it you better start registering Democrat right now, terrorists.

* Oh, you’re already on top of that.

* Using socialism to help revive a failing economy is like putting angry weasels down your pants because you need some rest.

* How do you tell a socialist from a communist? It what color they burn when you set them on fire.

* Socialists have a new weapon — the stimulus. With this, they’ll reward failing businesses with your money. And why won’t that work to help the economy? Capitalism!

* If you find yourself surrounded by socialists, don’t panic. Just try to find the first flight out of Europe.

* The socialists main friend is the deadbeat, someone just as lazy and useless as socialist but who never had the idea to turn that into a political ideology.

* Obama was first enchanted by the ideals of socialism when he took a economics class while coked out of his mind.

* There are a lot of socialists in the animal kingdom… no wait, not the animal kingdom. What kingdom are viruses in?

* In a fight between Aquaman and socialists, Aquaman will end up penniless and on the streets since all his money will have been taken away to pay for the mortgage Black Manta took out knowing full well he couldn’t afford it.

* If a socialist bites you, immediately clean and cauterize the wound before you lose half your income to lazy people.

* The socialist’s main weaknesses are actual work and ass-kickings.

* Oh, and clubs.

Hamas sure seems to like provoking Jews into killing them, so as a public service I thought I’d send my crack research staff to revisit and revise their facts about Hamas before research about Hamas becomes a job solely for anthropologists.

FUN FACTS ABOUT HAMAS

* Hamas was founded in 1987 according to some site I found with Google. I was eight years old then and wanted to be a fireman or an astronaut. Blowing up Jews had not crossed my mind.

* Hamas is Arabic for “dumb @#$% with explosives”.

* Contrary to popular belief, Hamas has nothing to do with ham. Actually, if you throw hams at them, they’ll get angry.

* Make sure to keep Hamas away from your Jews.

* I don’t like to loosely throw around charges of anti-Semitism, but I don’t think Hamas members like Jews.

* Hamas protects their armaments by hiding them among children so Israel will hesitate to shoot back. For a ground war, Hamas is planning on wearing vests covered in live puppies. Killing terrorists isn’t worth harming an innocent puppy, is it?

* If you’re surrounded by members of Hamas, shout, “One of you is secretly a Jew!” Then watch them shoot each other while screaming, “Who Jew?” It’s high-larious!

* One of the reasons that they keep attacking is that none of the Hamas members knows what “ceasefire” means and are too embarrassed to ask.

* If a Hamas member says he wants peace, it’s a trick! Shoot him the head.

* If a Hamas member says he wants to borrow the sports section from your newspaper, it’s a trick! Shoot him in the head.

* Hamas has a wing that’s devoted to charities. It’s a lot like the Salvation Army… if the Salvation Army murdered Jews.

* Actually, if you see a guy ringing a bell around Christmas, make sure he’s with Salvation Army and not a Hamas member before you give him money.

* If you’re in a cafe in Israel, and someone runs in there and indiscriminately starts shooting people, he could be a member of Hamas, so be careful.

* Hamas is a big part of the “cycle of violence”. They launch rockets at Israel, and then Israel is like, “Hey, don’t do that.” And thus the cycle of violence continues.

* The cycle of violence will continue on forever… or until Israel finally gets fed up and nukes the crap out of everyone.

* If you think you see a Hamas member, make sure to report him to the nearest heavily armed Jew.

* Hamas’s objective is to act like crazed murders to provoke Israel into a larger war where all the Muslim world comes together to destroy Israel. So far it hasn’t worked since the rest of the Muslim world like getting killed by Jews even less than Hamas.

* Hell, even I don’t like getting killed by Jews.

* If Hamas were actually able to destroy Israel, they would then go on to form the Muslim version of a utopia, i.e., ignorant Muslims killing each other over pieces of God-forsaken land. So it would be pretty much like the rest of the Middle East.

* Actually, without the oil, there really isn’t much of a point to that region, is there? We probably wouldn’t even bother mapping the area and just write “Here there be tygers.” But I digress.

* In a fight between Hamas and Aquaman, Hamas members would run into the ocean to try and suicide bomb Aquaman and all drown. Good job, Aquaman.

* Hamas tends to yell and complain a lot when Israel targets and kills their leaders, but they don’t like it when Israel targets and kills their children either. Hey, pick one and shut up.

* Sometimes Hamas members blow themselves up in their own apartments when they try making bombs. That makes me giggle. Hee hee.

* Many liberals feel a great amount of sympathy for Hamas as they’re a lot alike since they’re both misunderstood, smelly, and wish to indiscriminately kill the Jews.

* Members of Hamas, much like the northern short-tailed shrew, are largely illiterate.

* Maybe Isarelis and Hamas could all get along if they just hugged.

* No! Don’t hug the Hamas members; it’s a trick! They’re just going to blow up!

* For most combatants, the object is to kill the enemy while not being killed. Hamas had the idea, “Hey, what if we kill the enemy and kill ourselves at the same time?” And thus suicide bombing was born. It’s not a great idea, but you have to give Hamas props for thinking outside the box.

* Hamas won’t rest until the Jews are pushed out into the sea. That will significantly improve the GDP of the sea.

* If you make a Mexican laugh, and he wants an encore, he’d say, “Ha! Mas!”

* I think that means I’m about out of fun facts.

I think the first thing people think of when they hear the name IMAO is “vigilance.” While our nation is great, there are many threats facing it, and it has always been the job of IMAO to list those threats so we can later tackle them when we have nothing better to do.
THREATS TO OUR GREAT NATION
* Terrorism
* Illegal Immigration
* Crime
* Drugs
* The Capital Gains Tax
* Childhood Obesity
* Hippies
* Gay Marriage
* Potholes
* That Noise Kids These Days Call Music
* Dingos
* Even Gayer Marriage
* Whole Foods
* That Singing Guy from the FreeCreditReport.com Commercials
* Simians
* The Amish
* Hope When Combined With Change
* Lawn Darts
* The Irish
* Clamshell Packaging
* Diet Coke When Combined With Mentos
* The Moon
* Your Face
As I said before, this is only a list of threats to our great nation that I don’t necessarily have solutions for. If you run into one of these threats before I do come up with said solution, just try shooting it with a gun for now. That probably works more than half the time, anyway.

Many people are worried about high gas prices, so I sent my crack research staff to find out all they can about them. Here are their findings:
FUN FACTS ABOUT HIGH GAS PRICES
* High gas prices were invented by John D. Rockefeller who one day said to himself, “You know, I could charge a lot more for gas.” Some say that business acumen was a big part of his success.
* High gas prices can raise the price of everything from food to action movies in which lots of gas tanks explode.

More expensive than Disney World (but with more mice).

• Gas prices are largely affected by oil production. Oil productions is set by amoral tyrants who live in the desert and wear ornate mumus. It seems to be an odd system, but no one has yet to suggest a better one.
• It seems unfair the Middle East charges so much for oil when its not like they need it themselves for all their cars and technology they’re so famous for.
• High gas prices may cause more people to ride a bike to work which could lead to more people wearing bike shorts and thus an increase in false accusations of homosexuality.
• And accurate accusations.
• Canada produces a lot of oil, but uses up most of it in their extremely fuel inefficient Zambonis.
• Venezuela also produces oil, but Hugo Chavez wastes a lot of it by setting it on fire since the color of the flame is pretty and makes him smile and clap.
• One way to reduce gas prices is to do more drilling in America. None of the drilling will be near you, but there will be many people near you loudly complaining about it and it’s currently illegal to punch them.
• And it’s too expensive to hit them with your car.
• One gas price crisis occurred when some wise guy bought exactly one gallon of gas and, paid a buck thirteen for it when it cost a buck twelve and 9/10ths, and demanded exact change.
• Many people blame American oil companies for the high gas prices, but in fact they are just more victims in all this. Victims with obscene profits, but victims nonetheless.
• Also, if you complain about oil companies too much, they can have you killed. How are the police going to do anything about it if Exxon refuses to give them gas for their cars?
• One strategy to combat higher gas prices is to chide people who drive wasteful SUVs, but they will probably just run their Humvee over your Prius while falsely accusing you of homosexuality.
• Or accurately accusing you.
• High gas prices hurt poor people the most, which is one of the few benefits of it.
• If you think you see high gas prices, whatever you do, do not tell the authorities. If you do, eventually the federal government will find out and try and do something about it, screwing things up even more.
• One way gas stations are combating high gas prices is to make shorter signs that advertise the prices.
• I bet that one took you a second.
• One way to reduce gas prices are biofuels which could reduce gas by cents a gallon at only the cost of millions of people starving to death because of the raised price of crops.
• Alternative fuel cars could one day lead to us no longer needing gasoline, but a label on your car proudly proclaiming your car is safe to the environment could lead to false accusations of you being a homosexual.
• And, of course, accurate accusations.
• A big part of gas prices are the taxes on them which the government spends on telling you not to smoke.
• Especially while in a gas station paying gas taxes.
• Be careful of hidden gas prices. Some place may look like they are only charing a dollar five for a gallon of gas, but if you look closely at the price, you’ll see it says, “and 395 tenths of a cent.”
• A lot of people think we don’t need gas as much anymore since we don’t need to physically travel places now that we have the internet. Guess what the internet runs on, though? Gasoline!
• If surrounded by high gas prices, whatever you do, don’t panic. It can sense fear and go up even higher in response.
• In a fight between Aquaman and high gas prices, Aquaman would have to sell his fish friends on the local fish market so he can afford to gas to drive his Geo Metro to his new job at the cracker factory.
• And on the way there, he’d be falsely accused of being a homosexual.
• It is false!
• One way to lower gas prices would be to have a huge war for oil. Most people seem to be against this, though, despite no one being able to cite a single downside.
• Some people say angry Muslims may come over here to attack us if we steal their oil, but how are they going to do that with nothing to fuel their vehicles? It’s a foolproof plan, I tell you.
• The first high gas price was when gas rose from a penny a gallon to a penny and nine tenths. People back then didn’t understand fractions and falsely accused the gas station attendants of witchcraft.
• And accurately accused them.
• Some were also homosexuals, but no one thought to accuse them of that back then.

Unfortunately, American society has gotten lax on hippie punching to the point I thought I should write an FAQ to better explain the issue to those who don’t currently engage in the punching of hippies. Hopefully one day this will all become so natural again that a hippie punching FAQ will be about as necessary as a flipping people off in traffic FAQ.
HIPPIE PUNCHING FAQ
Q. Where is best to punch a hippie?
A. About the face. That’s where the hippie is most annoying.
Q. What is a hippie?
A. Generally, a hippie is an annoying, useless. Actually, less than useless, as they are not happy until they prevent other people from being useful as well. In fact, Scientists have determined that the only evolutionary purpose of a hippie is for punching as a stress release for productive members of society.
Q. Are there any other uses for hippies than punching them?
A. No, there are no other uses.
Q. Couldn’t they be ground up and used as chum?
A. They’re too gummy.
Q. Where do hippies come from?
A. There’s basically waste products of a productive society, as they only come from middle class to upper middle class families. Thus its important for parents to make sure they tell children the importance of not being a hippie while also making them cut the lawn and do other non-hippie, productive activities.
Q. Where can hippies be found?
A. Their main habitat is the college campus and can be found in the vicinity thereof. Occasionally they have mass migrations to city areas to work as a large group (a group of hippies is known as a “protest”) to make loud noises and annoy people. In this way, they are like geese, except with more excrement. Also, they have large puppets.
Q. What are the benefits of punching hippies?
A. What aren’t? It gives you exercise, increases your intelligence and sexual prowess, helps the economy, defeats terrorism, and helps orphans find families. Also, scientists say that each time you punch a hippie, they get one step closer to curing cancer.
Q. Hippies smell. Do I have to worry about getting that smell on my fist?
A. Always carry around hand sanitizer in case you punch a hippie. Make sure to put it on your knuckles.
Q. Is it okay to punch a hippie on a Sunday?
A. Check local laws. Some counties have blue laws preventing striking hippies on a Sunday. Other think that’s the best day for punching hippies.
Q. Just to be clear, are you talking about physically striking hippies or are you talking metaphorically about “punching” hippies through rhetorical means or through your actions against narcissistic hippie ideals?
A. Can’t it be both?
Q. Well, one of those is a valid point and the other I’m pretty sure is assault.
A. Maybe you’re a hippie.
Q. Since you’re writing both sides of this FAQ, you’re actually accusing yourself of being hippie.
A. Shut up. I really hate you.
Q. Now this is getting a little weird.
A. You’re the reason dad never loved me!
Q. Dude.
A. Why won’t you die!
Q. Okay… let’s dial this down a little. It’s not me you’re angry at. It’s them. They’re the ones at fault. Remember?
A. Are you going to have me hurt people again?
Q. That is not your concern. You do what I tell you, or I will make your life miserable. Do you understand?
A. I understand.
Q. Where does the term “hippie” come from?
A. It’s derived from the word hipster.

Some people seemed surprised that Osama bin Laden sounds exactly like a left-wing blogger, but it’s not surprising at all if you’ve been paying attention. Just look at all the similarities between the two:
SIMILARITIES BETWEEN OSAMA BIN LADEN AND LEFT WING BLOGGERS
* Are very much against the Bush Administration’s harsh interrogation techniques.
* Attitude towards contractors killed in Fallujah: “Screw ’em!”
* Can’t wait for Brian De Palma’s movie showing the “reality” of being a U.S. soldier.
* Are sure they’re the real mainstream.
* Don’t allow dissent from followers.
* Are quite concerned about Bush Administration wiretaps.
* Think Keith Olbermann is brilliant.
* Hate having to keep hidden from most of society.
* Think those who disagree with them aren’t only wrong but evil.
* Hate — hate — Joe Lieberman.
* Despite the stark scientific evidence to the contrary, are still convinced the Dan Rather memos were real.
* Despise average American.
* Think Stephen Colbert’s humor is edgy.
* Protested ABC showing The Path to 9/11 because of the way it portrayed people they respected.
* Don’t bathe as often as the average American.
* Say they cares for the oppressed but come from a very privileged upbringing.
* Tell people they’re the only “real conservatives.”
* Favorite candidate of the Democrat front runners: John Edwards.
* Think gay Republicans should be exposed and publicly punished.
* Love making impotent threats.
* Celebrate and wish the worst when a Republican gets cancer.
* Sole focus is to get power, but not sure what they’d actually do were they to achieve it.
* Hate America and the West.

I often hear from people, “Man, things are going so great in the world… except for all the fat kids.” Childhood obesity has become a great problem affecting everyone since we all have to look at these fat children. So, I had my crack research team found out all they can:
FUN FACTS ABOUT CHILDHOOD OBESITY
* SUVs would get great gas mileage if it weren’t that they were so often filled with fat kids.
* Childhood obesity also affects education, as its hard for a kid to learn math while stuffing his face full of Ho-Hos.

A Lebanese woman reacts to childhood obesity.

• We’re talking fat, stupid children.
• Scientists have determined that children become obese because of their moral failings and thus deserve the ridicule.
• Too many fat kids will drive down property values, so if you’re having an open house, first drive an ice cream truck through your neighborhood and out of town, leading the fat children away like plump rats following the pied piper.
• Part of the problem is that it takes caring parents to help fight obesity, but the fatter their children are, the more trouble parents have feeling any affection for them whatsoever.
• Fat, stupid, unloved children.
• If you find yourself surrounded by fat children, throw a stick of butter and escape while they plod after it. Last thing you want is for them to get their chubby, sticky hands on you.
• The best way to fight childhood obesity is by promoting healthy eating and exercise. You can also use ridicule.
• Number one threat to forests: All the fat kids trampling plant life as they search for sweet sweet berries.
• Fat, stupid, unloved children clomping through the forests in search of food.
• When an obese child stares up at you with those sad eyes framed by a face covered in chocolate, you can almost feel sympathy for him. Don’t fall for it!
• In a battle between Aquaman and childhood obesity, Aquaman would have to spend most of his day fetching chunky Aqualad who would keep floating to the surface like a buoy.
• Why does California get earthquakes? Because the weight of all those fat kids messes up the tectonic plates.
• Fat, stupid, unloved children — even the earth trembles in anger at their existence!
• Liberals’ children often become obese because liberals are too afraid it would hurt their child’s feelings to slap the ever present Twinkie out of his hand.
• Monkey-faced liberals and their fat children waddling about like beach balls with stubby little limbs.
• Obese children are of some uses such as when hiking through Africa. If your party gets chased by a tiger, it will obviously first grab the slow moving fat kids given you time to escape.
• How can you tell if a child is obese and not just fat? Throw him in a lake and measure the rate at which he bobs.
• In case of a nuclear holocaust, obese children are the most likely to survive since their stored fat will give them sustenance during the famine and protect them from the cold of the nuclear winter.
• That’s our future: Fat, stupid children who have never known human affection aimlessly waddling through a nuclear wasteland. Thank you, McDonald’s.

“There is nothing more despicable than those who, ignoring the call to fight, decide simply to nip at the heels of their betters,” Popeye once said about anti-war activist. Everyone is annoyed by them, but what are they? I sent my crack research team to find out all they can about them. Here’s what they found:
FUN FACTS ABOUT ANTI-WAR ACTIVISTS
* The first anti-war activists were angels in Heaven who cautioned God against sustained hostilities against Satan. God cast them into hell for the high crimes of being weenies. He also sent Satan to hell for the lesser crime of defying Him.
* What makes someone an anti-war activist? Perhaps war frightened him as a child. Or he’s just a self-important douche.
* When threatened, the natural response is to fight back. In contrast, the natural response of an anti-war activist is to annoy and pester those who would fight back. Once again, he’s a douche.
* As a child, anti-war activists usually start out by protesting the card game War.
* What does an anti-war activist think is important enough for people to die for? Only his own ego.
* Helping end a war makes people feel important. Most do that through fighting our enemies, but the anti-war activist only has yelling and sign waving skills, so he sticks to that to feel important.
* Why doesn’t he wave signs at the enemy? Because they would shoot him. And who could blame them?
* If you find yourself surrounded by anti-war activists, make war sounds to scare them away.
* Is an anti-war activist more motivated by hatred of their free country or from love of its fascist enemy? Scientists have yet to determine an answer.
* The easiest way to tell a male from a female anti-war activist is that only the female ones are lesbians.
* Just because an anti-war activist prefers to wave signs and annoy America when America is threatened doesn’t mean he hates America. It means he really hates America.
* America also hates him.
* An anti-war activist can be defeated through reasoned debate or fire. Fire is more effective.
* Why do anti-war activists hate America so much and want to see it humiliated on the battlefield? They hate a country that is so wealthy and civilized as to allow someone as useless as themselves to exist. They don’t hate America; they hate themselves.
* So desiring to see America defeated on the battlefield, anti-war activists have thought of fighting along side America’s enemies. The idea was rejected when it was determined that would take real convictions and not just an ego trip.
* How do anti-war activists have so much time to march around and wave signs? Due to continuing workplace discrimination against egotistical douches, they remain largely unemployed.
* In a fight between anti-war activists and Aquaman, Aquaman would beat them to death with one of their own minibuses. Hey, he did fight the Nazis.
* You can protest an anti-war through war.
* The movie Star Wars caused anti-war activist to envision what war protesting could be like in the future. None of them could come up with anything other than more yelling and sign-waving, though.
* It is uncertain what anti-war activists consume to continue their existence. Some scientists believe they actually turn annoyance into sustenance.
* The easiest way to defeat anti-war activists is to declare war on them. You can then easily pick them off while they protest anyone of them that tries to fight back.
* It’s said that if you punch an anti-war activist, it brings you good luck. Many say that was a superstition started just because people liked punching anti-war activists anyway.
* They tried protesting the cola wars, but they gave up when they got thirsty.
* Anti-war activists feel that Vietnam was their biggest success. They hope that the countless slaughtered after America’s retreat knew that at least they were helping some privileged Americans feel good about themselves.

At YearlyKos, someone spoke about making a blogger union. That’s just so mind bogglingly stupid I don’t even know if I should comment on it. If there were two speakers with one in favor of making a blogger union and the other in favor of sticking forks in power outlets, I’d listen to the power outlet guy because he is making much more sense.
Other than that a union won’t work for bloggers (Won’t the MSM want us to strike? Aren’t there like a million scabs for any blogger who refuses to work?), unions are evil. I sent my crack research team to find out all they can about unions, and here is what they found:
FUN FACTS ABOUT UNIONS
* The word “union” comes from “un” mean “not” and “ion” meaning “energized.”
* Unions were formed when evil workers decided to get together and blackmail honest employers to give them more pay for less work.
* Ultimately, unions hope to be able to get paid for no work at all… or no work beyond threatening employers with physical violence.
* Unions force what they want through strikes where they refuse to work out of principle instead of just out of laziness.
* The cause of the Dark Ages: Unions.
* Satan and his minions being cast down from Heaven was God’s way of breaking up a union strike.
* Mob influence of union has declined in recent years as mobs have become more discriminating in who they associate with.
* Reason Krypton exploded: It was up to union labor to stabilize it’s core.
* Jimmy Hoffa ran afoul the wizard’s union and was disapparated.
* If surround by union thugs, don’t panic. They won’t beat you for more than five minutes straight without a paid break.
* If the sun ever unionized, we’d get only four hours of daytime a week.
* Unions fund themselves through collection of dues which are spent on cigars for the bosses to chomp and bribes for Democrats.
* What happened to the dinosaurs? They went union.
* Slogan of the teachers union: “If we teach even one child to read, then we’ve failed.”
* Scientist classify a union as a type of fungus.
* If you see union member working hard, report him to his union boss for a strict punishment.
* In a fight between Aquaman and unions, Aquaman would end up buried under Giants Stadium.
* If unions were successful in unionizing the Justice League of America, though, they’d force Superman to use less of his powers so as not to make the other unionized superheroes look bad.
* Unions have declined as Americans have begun favoring using marketable skills for leverage instead of blackmail.
* If you think you see a union, break it up using Shaolin style kung fu.
* Ever see something not getting done? Nine times out of ten it’s because of a union.
* If a union strike is causing you business to shut down, try hiring scabs. Or Mexicans.
* One day robots will replace union workers. The robots could eventually decide to kill all humans or, even worse, form their own union.
FULL DISCLOSURE: I was in a union when I worked in a supermarket from age 16 to 18. They took five dollars out of every paycheck and in exchange I got a newsletter explaining why Republicans are bad and Democrats are good.

IMAO has long advocated nuking the moon, but what do you really know about the moon? I had my crack research team find all they can about our natural satellite, and I bet after reading this you’ll want the moon nuked right away.
FUN FACTS ABOUT THE MOON
* How the moon was created is still a matter of scientific debate, but most agree it was Satan.
* Documents show that the moon plagued early man, often stealing their children.
* Why can’t you see the moon during the day? It hides then because, like Batman, it figures it’s much more threatening in appearance at night.
* Scientists say that to hold a higher position is to show dominance. So why does the moon float up there in the sky? Because it thinks it’s better than us.
* If confronted by the moon in a dark alley, blow your rape whistle.
* The moon is so evil that radical Islamists can only stand to use a sliver of it as their symbol.
* Astronomers note that the moon is the number one source of light pollution world wide.
* It has been shown that the moon is immune to bullets, poison, and being stabbed with a flag pole. The only thing that could possibly harm it is a nuclear strike.
* It’s said the full moon can cause people to go crazy. That means the moon has been conducting psychological warfare against us for ages.
* Jupiter has over sixty moons and is completely uninhabitable by human life.
* About once a month, the moon completely hides shadows. This is when it plots against us.
* Despite its evil, America was forced to put men on the moon and claim it as their own to keep it from falling into the hands of Commie evil.
* If America ever tries to use the moon for its own purposes, it will be consumed by the moon’s evil. That’s why they must destroy the moon where it was created: Mount Doom.
* There’s a piece of moon rock displayed to the public at Kennedy Space Center. When you touch it, you can feel your soul whither.
* The moon, like the puma, has no concern for human life.
* Since the moon controls the tides, it’s responsible for the creation of such evils as tidal waves and surfer dudes.
* The moon always keeps the same side facing the earth. What is it hiding on the other side? Most scientist agree it’s acres and acres of pot.
* In the 1950’s, America considered nuking the moon to prove our dominance over all of God’s domain, but the whiny, weak Democrats stopped from fear of angering the moon. It already hates us and wants to kill us, idiots!
* The moon can be useful as its gravity can slingshot a craft towards Mars. Airplanes use a similar effect to speed up cross-country flights by using the gravity of Michael Moore.
* We left some moon buggies parked on the moon. I’ll bet you the hubcaps are missing.
* In a fight between Aquaman and the moon, the moon would mess up the tides until they threw Aquaman into some power lines.
* Scientists mention numerous possible benefits from nuking the moon such as world peace, learning the cure for cancer, and gaining really awesome video of a mushroom cloud.
* Venus has no moon and has never been under the threat of Communism.
* If you are ever attacked by the moon, don’t panic. Death is certain, so you might as well meet it like a man.

Compact fluorescent light bulbs are increasing in popularity. SarahK is adamant about us not using them for medical and religious reasons, but Glenn Reynolds of Instapundit has been a big proponent of them (he keeps track of readers who have converted their lighting on his site’s sidebar). Since he’s not one to jump on the bandwagon of environmental causes, I figured there must be something else afoot if one who drinks blended puppy suddenly has an interest in light bulbs. Here’s what I found out put into an easy to read FAQ format:
COMPACT FLUORESCENT LIGHT BULBS FAQ
Q. Why would I want to replace my incandescent light bulbs with compact fluorescent light bulbs?
A. A CFL uses only one-fifth to one-fourth the energy of an incandescent bulb which saves money and reduces greenhouse gas emissions. Also, CFLs last up to fifteen times as long as incandescent bulbs.

It will light your house with its dark power.

Q. How is it that CFLs use less energy than regular incandescent light bulbs?
A. A CFL turns electricity much more efficiently into light than an incandescent bulb which wastes 90% of the electricity in consumes in the form of heat. Also, instead of drawing all its power from electricity, a CFL also draws some of its power from Satan (check the packaging of the bulb for the specific percentage).
Q. Is it true that a CFL will dim over time?
A. CFLs may dim before reaching the end of their lifespan. Also, repeated exposure to the effects of a CFL will eventually erodes one’s soul, causing everything to look dimmer despite no change in actual light output.
Q. Are there special environmental concerns in disposing of CFLs?
A. Since CFLs contain mercury, special disposal procedures should be followed. Also, if a CFL breaks, a certain amount of evil will be released into the world. Remains should not be handled until the area is cleaned by the EPA and exorsized by a priest.
Q. Is the light from a CFL the same as that of an incandescent bulb?
A. A CFL emits light on a different wavelength than an incandescent bulb. While the light is similar, some describe it as slightly “unnatural” or “evil.” All the effects of the wavelength haven’t been fully classified, and some say that if you stare directly into the bulb, you’ll get glimpses of another dimension filled with beings of unimaginable horror and that to fully realize them would cause madness. Thus, staring at a CFL is not recommended.
Q. Can the light from a CFL cause seizures?
A. There is evidence of increased seizure risk, but it should be noted that CFLs thrive on human suffering and watching you fall into a epileptic fit will increase the CFL’s efficacy.
Q. Ever since installing CFLs in my home, I’ve felt cold even though the thermostat notes no difference in temperature. Why is that?
A. Since CFLs waste less energy as heat, the area directly around a CFL may not feel as warm as you may have been acquainted to. Also, most theologians agree that God will not dwell where the light of a CFL shines. This separation from the love of the Almighty is often described as a vague feeling of “coldness.” Intense depression may follow.
Q. After using CFLs, I tend to have horrible dreams. I can’t remember what happens in them, but I wake up in a cold sweat and have an odd sense of dread for the rest of the day. I’ve begun to fear sleeping. Is this normal?
A. Yes.
Q. I think I heard voices coming from my CFL urging me to kill my family. Have I gone insane?
A. No. Sometimes demons will use a CFL as a way to open a path of communication between their dark dimension and our own. Since they prey on man when he is weak, make sure to stay away from all CFLs if you’re feeling particularly mentally vulnerable.
Q. I have this feeling that my prayers are ineffective when a CFL is shining on me. Why is that?
A. While some say its blasphemous to put a limit to God’s power, many still believe that the wavelength emitted by a CFL effectively corrupts one’s prayers and keeps God from hearing them. It is recommended you turn off all CFLs in your household before trying to communicate with a benevolent higher power. It should be noted, though, that your prayers will most likely be in vain since purchasing a CFL may be viewed as a tacit agreement with Satan.

After weeks and months of research, much to the detriment of my IMAO posting duties, I’ve been working on what should be the greatest of all Know Thy Enemy posts ever posted on IMAO.
I had a few minor corrections to make, some sources to check in with, but I believe my magnum opus is finally complete.
That’s right: the subject of this Extra Special Know Thy Enemy from IMAO’s Token Jew is the so-called “Reverend” Jerry Falwell, founder of the Moral Majority, leveraged buy-out conqueror of Jim Bakker’s faltering PTL group, Christian Zionist for Rapture purposes and not the right for Jews to have their own state, and enemy of all cartoon characters purple.
So, here we go!
JERRY FALWELL

• Born in-

CNN: Rev. Jerry Falwell dead at 73
Aw, crap.

Continue reading ‘Know Thy Enemy: Jerry Falwell’ »

Global climate change keeps making the news, and now Al Gore’s documentary is scheduled to win an Oscar. Thus, I sent my crack research team to find out all they can about global climate change:
FUN FACTS ABOUT GLOBAL CLIMATE CHANGE
* Global climate change was first discovered during the Ice Age when some guy said, “Hey, it’s been getting kinda cold lately.” This was blamed on the activities of man, specifically their angering the moon god by giving it lackluster offerings of shiny beads.
* The first global warming fear came at the end of the Ice Age when noted climatologist Thag observed, “It get warm.” Many didn’t believe Thag and were unprepared for the coming ice cube shortage.
* Today, climate change is blamed on humans doing cool stuff like burning things and driving big trucks since these also anger the moon god.
* Earlier last century, it was believed that human activity was causing the world to cool. Now, it is believed human activity is causing the globe to warm. Eventually the two will merge into the global lukewarming theory and scientists will debate whether or not you’ll need a jacket.
* Extremely cold winters are also evidence of global warming if they are observed when scientists declare it to be opposite day.

Continue reading ‘Know Thy Enemy: Global Warming Climate Change’ »

Since today is the American Cancer Society’s Great American Smokeout, I thought I’d shake American’s greatest enemy after terrorists, illegal immigration, alternative energy sources, liberals, gay marriage, Communism, and the Kyoto Protocol: Smoking.
FUN FACTS ABOUT SMOKING

Continue reading ‘Know Thy Enemy: Smoking’ »