“There is nothing more despicable than those who, ignoring the call to fight, decide simply to nip at the heels of their betters,” Popeye once said about anti-war activist. Everyone is annoyed by them, but what are they? I sent my crack research team to find out all they can about them. Here’s what they found:
FUN FACTS ABOUT ANTI-WAR ACTIVISTS
* The first anti-war activists were angels in Heaven who cautioned God against sustained hostilities against Satan. God cast them into hell for the high crimes of being weenies. He also sent Satan to hell for the lesser crime of defying Him.
* What makes someone an anti-war activist? Perhaps war frightened him as a child. Or he’s just a self-important douche.
* When threatened, the natural response is to fight back. In contrast, the natural response of an anti-war activist is to annoy and pester those who would fight back. Once again, he’s a douche.
* As a child, anti-war activists usually start out by protesting the card game War.
* What does an anti-war activist think is important enough for people to die for? Only his own ego.
* Helping end a war makes people feel important. Most do that through fighting our enemies, but the anti-war activist only has yelling and sign waving skills, so he sticks to that to feel important.
* Why doesn’t he wave signs at the enemy? Because they would shoot him. And who could blame them?
* If you find yourself surrounded by anti-war activists, make war sounds to scare them away.
* Is an anti-war activist more motivated by hatred of their free country or from love of its fascist enemy? Scientists have yet to determine an answer.
* The easiest way to tell a male from a female anti-war activist is that only the female ones are lesbians.
* Just because an anti-war activist prefers to wave signs and annoy America when America is threatened doesn’t mean he hates America. It means he really hates America.
* America also hates him.
* An anti-war activist can be defeated through reasoned debate or fire. Fire is more effective.
* Why do anti-war activists hate America so much and want to see it humiliated on the battlefield? They hate a country that is so wealthy and civilized as to allow someone as useless as themselves to exist. They don’t hate America; they hate themselves.
* So desiring to see America defeated on the battlefield, anti-war activists have thought of fighting along side America’s enemies. The idea was rejected when it was determined that would take real convictions and not just an ego trip.
* How do anti-war activists have so much time to march around and wave signs? Due to continuing workplace discrimination against egotistical douches, they remain largely unemployed.
* In a fight between anti-war activists and Aquaman, Aquaman would beat them to death with one of their own minibuses. Hey, he did fight the Nazis.
* You can protest an anti-war through war.
* The movie Star Wars caused anti-war activist to envision what war protesting could be like in the future. None of them could come up with anything other than more yelling and sign-waving, though.
* It is uncertain what anti-war activists consume to continue their existence. Some scientists believe they actually turn annoyance into sustenance.
* The easiest way to defeat anti-war activists is to declare war on them. You can then easily pick them off while they protest anyone of them that tries to fight back.
* It’s said that if you punch an anti-war activist, it brings you good luck. Many say that was a superstition started just because people liked punching anti-war activists anyway.
* They tried protesting the cola wars, but they gave up when they got thirsty.
* Anti-war activists feel that Vietnam was their biggest success. They hope that the countless slaughtered after America’s retreat knew that at least they were helping some privileged Americans feel good about themselves.
* How do anti-war activists have so much time to march around and wave signs? Due to continuing workplace discrimination against egotistical douches, they remain largely unemployed.
Great minds think alike, Frank!
My poster at an anti-tax rally .
Among the games protested by the activists during their childhoods are Risk, Stratego and Candyland.
Actually, its just that being able to punch an activist is proof that you already have good luck.
* An anti-war activist can be defeated through reasoned debate or fire. Fire is more effective.
Bull%^#$ Frank,
Defeating someone by reasoned debate requires that ones opponents be capable of reasoned debate. The subset of leftists that are still sane enough to qualify is not statistically different than zero.
Although it is posible the gentle IMAO reader who wants to try reasoned debate first (or does not have ready access to fire) may be dealling with one of the 0.0000000000002% of leftist who is sane, your “fact” raises far too much hope for success.
Fire, first, fastest and always.
Female anti-war activists are invariably ugly.
That last one summed it up pretty well.
I like this one, too:
//* So desiring to see America defeated on the battlefield, anti-war activists have thought of fighting along side America’s enemies. The idea was rejected when it was determined that would take real convictions and not just an ego trip.//
Aside from the “human shields” who wanted to stand firm with Saddam. They should’ve been convicted of sedition.
Gosh there are a lot of “Jim’s” on this site who agree with each other.
When trying to distinguish between male and female antiwar activists…give up! It is almost impossible unless you are an expert! Punching either one still brings good luck!
[Post updated to answer this conundrum. -Ed.]
If your son is a coward who rats out his classmates to earn brownie points with the teacher, wears a helmet to ride a bike and carries his books in a back-pack he’s going to grow up to be an anti war protestor unless you start punching him daily!
And if his name is “Jim,” make him change it to “Little Johny” or somethin’ and keep punching him.
Anti-war activists love puppets. Really really freakin large puppets. Can anyone say compensation?
Gosh there are a lot of “Jim’s” on this site who agree with each other.
And we’ve never been seen together, either. Are we all the same person? I’ll check with Jim on that.
Frank, you malign me. This war should be ended by Christmas. As a true anti-war activist I beleive that the only way to end the war is to pound your enemy so flat that they whine like little girls (or John Edwards) for you to stop. Let our military do what it does best. Take the leash off and give them unrestricted Rules of Engagement and the war will be over in about 3 months. After that is done there will be no more war becasue nobody will be stupid enough (or alive enough) to take us on.
Yuppie, it’s a nice thought which I wholly support. But, afterwards we’ll have all manner of useless people complaining about all the women and children we set ablaze and roasted pigs over. Personally, I’m for the idea, but I just can’t take the shrill, pussified whining.
No, Jim, the Jim’s are all their own here. We can thank Socrates for that. Oh yeah, and Frank. Frank is funnier but Socrates is more logical. Silicon is execellent for computing, that jimmycarter Jim…is that a submarine or an aircraft carrier?…blows up a lotta stuff and this Jim is so “conservative” that he makes Barry Goldwater look tired (dead?) and Ayn Rand look dead (tired?).
What do you mean by, “make war sounds”? I was swarmed at my own house party by a group of these salad-tossers, I fired off a couple rounds because they were getting too close and they all dispersed. However, six of then pissed themselves and one crapped himself (we are still waiting on the coroner’s determination regarding the sexual orientation of that one). So, if you make “war noises” get ready to clean up a lot of piss, shit, whiney little girl tears and blood because you know that if any tears/piss/shit gets on your velvet Elvis poster there will be recriminations.
That said, perhaps you could invent a whiney little girl adult sized diaper for these losers to wear when they go out of mom’s basement