Ronin Profiles: brandEn

brandEn

Let’s meet some more IMAO readers. Today, it’s brandEn.


What’s the story behind your name? It is my name. Just with an emphasis on the part that people misspell. I hate it when people misspell my name.
Where do you live? Coral Springs, Florida (but I’m currently in Orlando for college).
How old are you? 19.
Tell us briefly about yourself. I’m a 2nd year computer engineering student at the University of Central Florida (go Knights!). Sometimes I like to pretend I can take really good pictures. I don’t show them to many people, so my bubble never gets popped. Other times, I like to pretend I’m a superhero. I’m very complex.
I think the moon has been getting closer lately. Does this trouble you? Yes. It means the man in the moon is finally exacting his revenge on the peoples of Earth. God save us if he unleashes his zombie/android/pirate monkeys (he’s had a lot of time to combine things). The only good that’ll come of this is that nuking the moon should become even more popular.
How long have you been reading IMAO? For about 3 years.
What’s your favorite IMAO post? Any that talk about Aquaman getting his butt handed to him by something mundane.
What’s you favorite political issue? Affirmative Action. It’s really easy to taunt it’s supporters. Them: “We support Affirmative Action” Me: “Why? Do you think minorities aren’t good enough to get jobs on their own? RACIST!” And then I laugh and punch them in their dumb monkey faces.
Do you have a website? If so, please tell us briefly about it. No, I’m not cool enough.
[Few are. -Ed.]
If space aliens land in D.C., should we wait to listen to their message of peace or should we kill them immediately? We let them live, but make them replace the current Congress (anything would be an improvement). We, of course, could still hold the threat of death above them to make them perform more to our liking.


If you commented that you want to be included before, you’re still in the running. You can also comment in this post; just make sure you fill in your e-mail on the comment form (only I can see it so you don’t have to worry about getting spam). Eventually we’ll get to everyone. Thanks to everyone who has participated so far!

More Proof that Monkeys Are Pure Evil

About eighty different people have e-mailed me about how monkeys are sexually harassing women in Kenya.
Let’s think about this: Is there any natural or evolutionary reason that would lead monkeys to make rude and suggestive gestures to women? Of course not. The only explanation is that their is nothing but evil in their hearts and each day they put their monkey brains to no other task than how to spread evil. They climb trees so as to better look out and see where misery can be sown. They do not have the ability yet to kill us (though, I assure you, they are working on it), so they settle for harassing us.
For now.

Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact

john edwards fabulous.jpgJohn Edwards’s cell phone ringtone? “It’s Raining Men”.
Bonus Facts from Anonomouse Reader:
John Edwards invented the Caboodles make-up organization case.
John Edwards has his own kitten factory, where cats are specially bred to be the softest in the world, and they have no paws at all to scratch him with. Shhh… don’t let PETA find out.
John Edwards keeps his loose change in a jewlery box his Nana bought him. When you open it, there is a spinning ballerina.
Funniest thing about the ballerina is that he had his Jr. year prom dress replicated from it.

Link of the Day – ME!

It’s not promotion that I believe in – it’s shameless self promotion.
I’ve started a new site called the Daily Jalapeno. It’s like The Onion, except spicier!
And not as funny.
But spicier!
I needed a place to write more about pop culture and other stupid stuff.
Speaking of new, I’m creating a multimedia version of the Daily Roundup. I just need to work through some technical difficulties. Otherwise, I hope to have this up and running at IMAO in the next few days.

Arizona School Suspends Student for Drawing “A Really Crappy Gun”.

MESA, Arizona (AP) – Officials at an Arizona school suspended a 13-year-old boy for sketching what looked like a gun, saying it was quite possibly the worst thing ever created by human hands.

Could the recent flooding in the Midwest be caused by angels looking at this picture and crying?

Payne Junior High Principal Karen Martin said the boy deserved to be suspended for his talentless artwork. “Worst drawing I’ve ever seen. My 3-year-old does better than that with fingerpaints, and he’s a retarded epileptic.”
“When I first saw that picture,” said Martin, I thought, ‘What the hell IS that? A 5-eyed mutant with a moustache? An elephant that got caught in a hydraulic press? A cubist zeppelin?’.”
“When another student told me it was a gun, my response was, ‘Yeah… a really CRAPPY gun!’. At this point I decided to suspend the talentless little twerp, since there was no point in wasting more public funds on someone who has no future beyond maybe drawing pathetic stick figures on the internet or something.”
School District spokesman Terry Locke said that – although the crude sketch wasn’t actually a threat according to the school’s zero-tolerance policy where “possession or threatening use of any weapon, real or simulated, is strictly prohibited” – the inherant artlessness of the image “constituted a violent threat to the aesthetic sensibilities of the student body. This garbage makes Ted Rall look like freakin’ Rembrandt.”
The boy’s mother, Paula Mosteller, supported the school’s decision. “At first I was angry that they seemed to be singling my son out for no good reason. Then I got a look at that abomination he created. YEESH! I mean, is the trigger guard wearing a necklace? Why are there shark’s teeth at the end of the barrel? It’s got all the accuracy and realism of a Michael Moore documentary.”
“I’m so ashamed that he’s my son,” Paula concluded sadly. “I should’ve had my tubes tied 14 years ago and spared the world the misery of this drawing’s existence.”

I Wish Occam Had a Bat So I Could Smack Them in the Face with It

I was talking yesterday about how liberals think they’re so smart but have trouble comprehending simple concepts, well today there is a recommended diary on the Daily Kos about the reason Giuliani is leading right now in the polls is because Republicans hate black people. The millions of Republicans choosing Giuliani is because secretly they’re all thinking “He’ll crack down on those black people!”
Idiots.
It’s called name recognition! It’s why Hillary has been leading all this time and why Lieberman led in the polls early on back in 2003. Most people aren’t extremely engaged at this point, so they go on name recognition, and Giuliani rightfully has a lot of name recognition after 9/11. This is Politics 101, you little morons. But that’s too simple for you goobers so you assume invidious motives for millions of people because you have the mental capacity of three-year-olds when it comes to politics.
Can you believe the Democratic Party is actually pretending to listen to these people?

It’s Time to Move Our Military into the 21st Century with Dinosaurs with Rocket Launchers on Them

Our military is very good at what it does: killing foreigners and breaking their stuff. Still, America isn’t feared enough abroad because of all the whiners and second-guessers at home (we call them Democrats). To make up for this will take extreme measures. Thus it’s time for the weapon our generals have been dreaming about since the Civil War: Dinosaurs with rocket launchers on them.


We need to put all our money into researching how to resurrect dinosaurs and then put rocket launchers on them. When our pathetic little enemies see dinosaurs coming at them launching rockets, they are going to give up. “How can we expect to succeed over dinosaurs with rocket launchers on them?” they’ll exclaim. “We must surrender now and hope the Americans will let us worship their obviously superior god.”
I would expect all terrorism to end within a month of us first deploying dinosaurs with rocket launchers making this an investment well worth the money. Some may worry that we will have trouble controlling dinosaurs with rocket launchers, but I think they will listen to us as long as we are nice to them and talk to them in soothing voices saying, “Good dino. Good.” All dinosaurs with rocket launchers on them want is love.

Links of the Day

I have a cool drawing to put up, but I first have to scan it and prep it and what not. What a pain. Anyway, while I’m doing that, check out links from Conservative Grapevine such as:

The Corner: Victor Davis Hanson smacks around Andrew Sullivan
The People’s Cube: Joke of the day: The insensitive Marine
Political Wire: Bob Kerrey to run for a seat if Chuck Hagel doesn’t run in Nebraska.
Newsmax: 49-Year-old Rambo headed for Iraq.

Conservative Grapevine: Two scoops of links

Daily Fred Thompson Fact

Knowing is half the battle. The other half? Fred Thompson.

I know y’all are dying to know what I think

about Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. I’ve been reviewing and analyzing the book in extreme depth over at mountaineer musings. I’m to Chapter 20 now (that and 21 should go up tomorrow morning), so you’ve got plenty of time to catch up. Spoilers galore for all seven books, so read at your own risk! But please do read! Part 1 of the review is here.
/shameless self-linkage