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Eye of the tiger, baby. Eye. Of. The. Tiger.

Ronin Profiles: NMUSpidey

NMUSpidey

Let’s meet some more IMAO readers. Today, it’s NMUSpidey.


What’s the story behind your name? I earned my BA at Northern Michigan University and I like Spider-Man.
Where do you live? Currently, Toledo, OH. But in less than 5 days, Osaka, Japan.
How old are you? More than 25, less than 27.
Tell us briefly about yourself. Well, I am engaged to a ninja, I will be teaching English in Japan, and I love comic books.
What’s the most suspicious thing you’ve ever seen a monkey do? Wear The Man’s big yellow hat.
How long have you been reading IMAO? Something like 5 years, maybe? 4? They all run together, you know.
What’s your favorite IMAO post? I really like “IMAO Condensed.” But I also like “Know Thy Enemy” and anything that is like “Fun Facts About.”
What’s you favorite political issue? Hm. I would say shrinking the government. They should be worried about bombing small countries filled with sand while we worry about our lunches.
Do you have a website? If so, please tell us briefly about it. I have started a couple blogs, but I’m horribly unmotivated and find myself never updating. EVER. Also, a myspace page. Just try and guess the address!

Who would win in a fight between Aquaman and Spider-Man? What if it were underwater? While it is possible that Aquaman could summon flying fish to throw at Spider-Man, the reality is that he would probably see the black spider on the red and blue costume (or the big white spider on the black costume: my favorite) and run screaming in terror, John Edwards style. Underwater, the costume may just be obscured by the water and lack of light to allow Aquaman a few quick punches before he trips over himself and Lex Luthor and the Legion of Doom capture him and Spider-Man has to come to the rescue.


If you commented that you want to be included before, you’re still in the running. You can also comment in this post; just make sure you fill in your e-mail on the comment form (only I can see it so you don’t have to worry about getting spam). Eventually we’ll get to everyone. Thanks to everyone who has participated so far!

New Evil Right Wing Conspiracy

There’s always a host of great information in DailyKos’s reccomended diary. This time, one of the disarists exposed the “The Big Lie and the 2008 GOP Strategy”. Know what the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy is up to this time?
Supporting Hillary Clinton.
This is what I get for skipping meeting of the VRWC; you never know when they’re going to hold votes on stuff like this.

Al Qaeda’s “Big Surprise” Video: A Review

Well, that’s 54 seconds of my life completely wasted.

Points to consider, terrorist dudes:
If you’re trying to scare Americans, shouldn’t the threats be written in English?
Also, if you’re trying to impress Americans with your technological craftiness, shouldn’t your CGI be at least as good at that found in, say, Tron?
Why does the video threaten America with rockets? Is that supposed to be a credible threat? You losers couldn’t even bring your own planes to 9/11.
Nice footage of ground explosions. And by nice, I mean “lame”. American kids get bigger blasts with Mentos & Diet Coke.
About the “word + word = other word” formula… not working. Americans are only frightened by complete sentences.
What’s with all the question marks? Are you trying to terrorize me or tell me how to get free government money?
OO! Scary terrorist leaders!… yeah, whatever… Heck, George Burns was more menacing.
Look! A picture of a flaming American! And it’s not John Edwards!… Personally I think this “burning man” picture is WAY better:

This one’s cool, too:

As for the whole “Soon… God willing” theme… eh… it’s nothing new. Americans say that every Friday about 4:45.
By the way, that background music… the Arabic version of Jefferson Airplane’s “White Rabbit”, maybe?

Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact

john edwards fabulous.jpgBest part about becoming President for John Edwards? Writing “1600 Pennsylvania Avenue” on his Cosmo subscription renewal card.

BREAKING NEWS: YearlyKos Broken Up By Feds

YearlyKos has been raided by the feds and its ringleader, Markos Zuniga, has been arrested for treason. Details are sketchy, but apparently no one has been hurt, though 142 traitors have been executed on the spot.
President Bush has issued this statement: “I cannot tolerate dissent, no matter how mind-numbingly retarded it is. By the way, I’m now dictator for life and I will give a shiny new donkey to whomever delivers me the head of Hillary Clinton.”
So far, there has been no outcry against this action — at least by anyone who wasn’t later arrested as a traitor. IMAO would like to remind its readers that it fully supports and never questions our wise government. All hail Leader Bush!

It’s Time Americans Help the Muslim Religion

There seems to be a problem with Muslims in the Middle East. Many are not happy. Some are even angry. They have their religion of Islam and try to follow it best they can, but things do not seem to be working out for them. Know why?
Oil.
Crude oil is not in the Qur’an, yet it dictates much of Muslim life. It causes Westerners who care not for their religion to come to their region and bug them. It also funds decadent Saudi princes who drink and spend money on lavish excesses — things that are not very Muslimy. If Muslims want to get back to their roots, they need to get rid of all that oil which has nothing to do with their great religion. As a kind country who likes helping others, America should offer to take all the oil so it no longer plagues them.
The problem is that Muslims may have gotten so used to having non-Islamic black crude that they may not want to give up the oil even though doing so will allow them to focus on being Muslimy and happy. The call of Satan’s black blood is too great for them to surrender it willingly. As friends of Muslims and all humanity, America may have to come and take all their oil for their own good.
So, to help Muslims in the Middle East, we’ll need devices that can quickly steal all their oil. My first idea for that is some sort of flying ship:


It will fly over oil-rich fields and suck out all the oil and then fly away, leaving those areas to Muslim purity.
I also came up with an idea for a ground-based approach:

I got this idea from a Stephen Spielberg movie.
However we take their oil, we can expect this as the result:

Artist’s depiction of Muslims free from the oil that plagues them.

With no more oil, they’ll no longer have to be worried about being bothered by Westerners and can focus exclusively on being extra Muslimy.
If Americans truly care about their fellow man, it’s high time they demand we steal all the oil in the Middle East.
FULL DISCLOSURE: Frank J. is a paid consultant of Halliburton and has no morals whatsoever.

Fun With Video

How has everyone liked my Romney Ads? I know it’s thin gruel for those missing the IMAO Podcast, but it’s my scientific opinion that some things are funnier if said against pictures of the ocean while sentimental music is playing versus just being written.

I Tell a Joke

With all the new robot designs, many of the older, inefficient robot designs will be left out of work. What will that leave us with?

Continue reading ‘I Tell a Joke’ »

Terrorists Drink Deep Our Whine

In reaction to the South Korean hostage crisis, there has been much whining. There is whining about the U.S. and whining about Christianity.
Do not whine, South Korea! When you whine, the terrorists win. All the terrorists want the West to do (and I’m lumping the East into the West for this instance) is to whine in response to their actions. Whining shows we are weak and makes the terrorists think they are winning. The only proper response to terrorists actions is to call for their blood. “How dare they!” they should all shout. “Bring us their blood! Make them suffer! We shall paint Bart Simpson’s t-shirt with the blood of their children!” (I’m trying to localize the shouts for blood; all I know about Korea other than that they animate the Simpsons is that many of them eat dogs which is a lot like cannibalism — but instead of eating people they eat dogs)
Do not let the terrorists win, South Korea. Let’s hear your calls for violent payback. If you aren’t capable of that, then you have no right to be a civilization and should surrender now to your more violent, hungrier brethren to the north.

Daily Fred Thompson Fact

When will Fred Thompson enter the race? The day after what from then on will be known as Fred Thompson Eve.