Archive of entries posted on 2nd August 2007

The Path to Peace Goes Through Robotics

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If it malfunctions and decides to kill all humans, its okay because it’s on another continent.

Finally, armed robots are being deployed to Iraq to kill terrorists. This is something I’ve always pushed for: The more primitive the enemy, the more awesome it is for us to use high-tech weaponry against them. The only thing is I think the robots should be as tall as buildings and have thunderous footsteps. Think of it: If the enemy is hiding in caves and are armed with secondhand AK-47s and we’re attacking them with giant robots — backed by space lasers — they’ll know they have no chance. I don’t care how great they think their god is; he can’t take on giant robots and space lasers — he’s not Thor. They’re just
going to give up, and then we’ll have peace. In fact, we’ll have so much peace we’ll be able to demand they hand over any valuables they have or we’ll kill their children. So, if we’re interested in peace, we need to invest in giant robots and space lasers.
Oh! And we should have flying things with spinning blades that scream! That would be awesome!
(hat tip Hot Air)

Ronin Profiles: AlanABQ

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AlanABQ

Let’s meet some more IMAO readers. Today, it’s AlanABQ

What’s the story behind your name? The story behind my name is trivial, at best. ABQ is just a freight abbreviation for Albuquerque; I used to do a lot of loading dock work here in North Mexico, before I realized that it was a job that Americans don’t want to do…
Where do you live? I think the previous answer pretty much summed that up.
How old are you? I am chronologically 36 years old, but mentally I shift between a 13 year old & a 70 year old with Alzheimer’s.
Tell us briefly about yourself.I used to be a stagehand & got to work on a lot of really cool stuff, but due to some really bad experiences with day care providers, I now stay at home during the day with my two little gifts from God. I love to read, play guitar, spend time with my beautiful fiance, hang out with our children & drink copious amounts of coffee.
What’s the most exotic thing you ever punched?The most exotic thing I ever punched was a hole in a crowd of antiwar protesters in ’03 at the university where I worked at the time. And I almost got arrested for it!
How long have you been reading IMAO? I’ve been an IMAO fan for a mere year & a half, but I have enjoyed every day of it.
What’s your favorite IMAO post? One in particular I found hilarious was under “I Hate Frank”, titled ‘Eating Habits in the Ghetto’ where you responded to an especially vulgar email. Other than that, it varies from IMW to random daily posts.
What’s you favorite political issue? Illegal immigration. Bill Richardson for president. This country could do without either one and be a better place for it.
Do you have a website? If so, please tell us briefly about it. I have a MySpace page, but let’s face it; MySpace sucks. Anyway, myspace.com/AlanABQ
What would you do with an army of ninjas? What wouldn’t I do with them? They’d be good for yardwork, slicing pizzas, getting to the front of the line at the DMV, rounding up liberals & “guest workers”, etc.

If you commented that you want to be included before, you’re still in the running. You can also comment in this post; just make sure you fill in your e-mail on the comment form (only I can see it so you don’t have to worry about getting spam). Eventually we’ll get to everyone. Thanks to everyone who has participated so far!

Kevin Bacon Caused the Bridge to Collapse

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He doesn’t care if we all die.

The dust hadn’t even settled and no formal report as been issued on the cause, and liberal blogs are already abuzz about how the Minneapolis bridge collapse is Boooosh’s fault. It goes something like this:
1. Boooosh had an illegal war in Iraq.
2. War draws money away from states.
3. States no longer manage their infrastructure.
4. Bridge collapses.
I don’t think they’re looking at the whole picture though. The bridge collapse is obviously the fault of Kevin Bacon. This is why:
1. Kevin Bacon starred in Footloose.
2. The movie inspired Americans to rise against the system and dance.
3. This carefree attitude gradually evolved into structural engineers feeling life is too short to properly inspect bridges.
4. Bridge collapses.
I tell you, nothing in this country that goes wrong isn’t somehow linked to Kevin Bacon. Someone has to stop him.

Update: Hello Puppy Blender readers! before you leave don’t forget to read some Fred Thompson Facts!

Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact

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john edwards fabulous.jpgJohn Edwards does not brush his teeth because he knows that the plaque will just wrestle the toothbrush away from him and beat him up with it.

Obama Is Crazy!

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So Obama won’t use nuclear weapons under any circumstances, but he’ll unilaterally invade Pakistan? I kinda like this bipolar foreign policy; it’s just the sort of unpredictability I’ve always said is important to getting other countries to fear us. Maybe next he’ll announce that he’ll shutdown Gitmo and outlaw all interrogation of suspected terrorists while at the same time he’ll order air strikes against Mecca. He’s just might do it! He’s crazy!

Question

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Do you think squirrels are up to something?
I C UR NUTZ!
They look like they’re up to something.

Star Trash: The Motion Hotness

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Did you hear? In order to attract the 20 something crowd, the next Star Trek movie is going to be rife with nudity and violence.
In fact…

Continue reading ‘Star Trash: The Motion Hotness’ »

A Happy Editorial About America
By Frank J.

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 America makes me happy. It is full of sunshine, trees, and shiny buildings, and anytime you want a burrito, it is very easy to obtain one. It is the happiest country in the world. It has a flag of red, white, and blue which are very happy colors. Any time I see the flag, it makes me happy. America is such a happy country, it makes me happy just thinking of America… and even happier to be in America while thinking of America.

 One of the happiest things in America is its freedom. You have freedom to say whatever you want in America, even if you want to say unhappy things. You can walk out and say, “The government is suppressing my speech!” and no one will stop you because we are free in America. In other countries, if you said, “The government is suppressing my speech!” mean men from the government would come and beat you with sticks because they suppress speech in those countries and don’t like you talking about it. Many people there are unhappy. I hope that knowing there is an America at least makes them somewhat happy.

“America is an unstoppable bringer of happiness; it is a happiness steamroller.”

 America likes to spread its happiness. When we have thing that make us happy like Big Macs and Coca-Cola, we send them to other parts of the worlds so they can be happy too. America is an unstoppable bringer of happiness; it is a happiness steamroller.

 Scientists have determined the reason America is so happy is that God is happy and he likes America. He blesses us with many things. Other countries don’t seem to make God as happy. Sometimes they do mean things and say it is in God’s name. This must make God upset. If someone did mean things in my name, I would send them a plague or a cease and desist letter. Perhaps those other countries can stop doing mean things and be happy too.

 Sometimes bad people try to make America unhappy by doing bad things, but we have a military that stops bad people. They are very good at what they do; this is part of being happy. They will stop bad people and they can quickly go to anywhere in the world to do it. They are like Superman. Knowing Superman is there to protect people makes them happy.

 Even though America is a happy place, there are still some unhappy people here. They are unhappy that the president stole an election and that the government is spying on their phone. That’s how happy America is: In other countries, people have real things to be unhappy about, but in America you have to make things up to be unhappy about.

 If you are ever feeling unhappy, just go out and buy a burrito and you will be happy again. Because this is America.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as “Buying This Book Will Make Me Happy” and “Yay! Reading Is Fun!” (co-authored by SarahK).

Obama: “Kill ‘Em All!”

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WASHINGTON (AP) – In a shocking reversal of his previous anti-war rhetoric, presidential candidate Barack Obama told his audience at the Woodrow Wilson International Center for Scholars that his revised foreign policy will be to kill all terrorists, regardless of where they’re located.

“That one in the spotlight, he don’t look right to me. Get him up against the wall!”

“It was weird,” said Obama, “I was just standing there shaving this morning, when it hit me like a Supreme Court Justice’s seizure – Holy crap! Terrorists are trying to kill us! Suddenly I understood what I fool I’ve been for so long. Well, no more. No more diplomacy, no more chit-chat, no more Edwardsfooting around. From now on, all I can say is ‘kill ’em all & let Allah sort ’em out'”!
“Why are we playing little ‘pretend co-operation games’ with terrorist safe-havens like Pakistan, Iran, and Saudi Arabia,” said the Senator, his eyes blazing with genocidal fire, “when we’ve got 30,000 nukes just itching to turn these homicidal maniacs into radioactive shadows on rubble?”
“If elected,” he continued, “I will finish the job that President Bush so timidly started. We won’t give the terrorists the opportunity to strike at us, because I will transform their nations into barren, lifeless wastelands before they can say ‘Allah Akbar!”
“The President of the United States has the authority AND the responsibility to protect this nation,” cried Obama, his voice rising with passionate determination. “There is only one means at our disposal that will fulfill this mandate. I will rain fire and death upon our enemies! None who oppose us shall survive! All shall perish in the cleansing atomic holocaust of flame! The seas will boil! The skies will be filled with Islamic blood! The time of judgment is nigh! All hail the coming Barackalypse!”
At the conclusion of his bold statements, a pin was heard hitting the floor in the back of the room before cheers suddenly erupted from the assembled multitude, as from a single, powerful throat.
One attendee – who would only identify himself by the obviously false name of “Frank J.” – remarked, “Wow! And I thought I was a lunatic for suggesting that we nuke the moon to consolidate the world’s fear of the United States! This Barack guy is a stone-cold Armageddon FREAK! I love it!”
“Screw Fred Thompson,” said Mr. ‘J’, “Obama’s got MY vote!”

You Should Fear the Government

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Many people fear the government for foolish reasons. Liberals have numerous invented fears while conservatives fear the government’s bureaucracy. I fear the government too, but what I fear is much scarier. I fear government ninjas.
I have a picture of one.

There he is in the shadows of the trees.
Fear your government.

Mitt Romney “Corruption of Our Culture” Ad

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Another take on Mitt Romney’s “Ocean” ad. I think this one is my favorite so far because it involves violence and a monkey.

Daily Fred Thompson Fact

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One day Fred Thompson went to Vegas with only one dollar in his wallet. After three hands of blackjack, he owned the entire city.