Ronin Profiles: Bob in Feenicks

Bob in Feenicks

Let’s meet some more IMAO readers. Today, it’s Bob in Feenicks.


What’s the story behind your name? My name is Robert but most people call me Bob. The city where I live sounds like “Feenicks”. I spell it phonetically to be different, and to confuse any monkeys who might be out to get me. The monkey threat, which I learned of from IMAO, is the reason I prefer my location to remain undisclosed.
Where do you live? Oshkosh. (weren’t you paying attention to the answer to the previous question?)
How old are you? 39.
Tell us briefly about yourself. I was born in Queens, NY and my family moved to Pho…I mean, Oshkosh when I was 13. I’m a civil engineer and I am still single. I’m also Catholic, and a member of the Knights of
Columbus. If you’re familiar with the KofC, you know about the first four degrees, but I’m also a member of the secret fifth degree, which is the militant wing. It’s our duty to behead all who insult our Religion of Peace, because Jesus, the benevolent, forgiving and merciful wants us to. Jesus Ackbar! (I have a sword too, but it’s really dull, so it hurts more)
If you couldn’t nuke the moon, what other celestial body would you want to nuke? If possible, I’d launch Michael Moore into orbit and nuke him. He’s big enough to be mistaken for a moon.
How long have you been reading IMAO? I’ve been reading IMAO for a long time. I was around for IMAO’s first blogiversary and the Great Blog War. Although, it was a while before I posted my first comment.
What’s your favorite IMAO post? I really enjoy In My Worlds. I’m amazed you were able to get a bug in the Oval Office, and that the Secret Service hasn’t found it yet.
What’s you favorite political issue? Whatever crazy, wacky antics the left is up to in which their actions blatantly contradict their words, such as ‘supporting our troops’ or creating ‘the most ethical congress ever’. It makes it so much easier to mock them. And fun.
Do you have a website? If so, please tell us briefly about it. No, I refuse to have anything to do with the internet because AlGore invented it.
-Oh wait a minute.
If you could wish one politician away to the cornfield, who would it be? Just about the entire democratic party, but if it’s only one, it would be…John McCain. Mavericks like corn, right?


If you commented that you want to be included before, you’re still in the running. You can also comment in this post; just make sure you fill in your e-mail on the comment form (only I can see it so you don’t have to worry about getting spam). Eventually we’ll get to everyone. Thanks to everyone who has participated so far!

That’s Quite An Impressive List!

Interesting headline at Yahoo News: “Congress recesses amid Democratic achievements“.
And you thought they were a do-nothing Congress.
Let’s take a look at what they’ve accomplished:


  • Supported the troops in Iraq… well, the ones fighting for Al Qaeda, anyway.
  • Promoted alternative energy programs, like Iranian nuke plants.
  • Fought global warming by jetting around the country in private planes, talking about what a menace SUV’s are.
  • Set a record for Congressional approval ratings. It may be a record low, but it’s still a record. Don’t be so judgmental!
  • Made Grandmotherly cleavage fashionable again.
  • Making the rich pay their fair share by raising the minimum wage high enough to price low-skilled teenagers out of the job market.
  • Yeah, I’m not really sure how that one works, either.
  • Suckered a lot of gullible Americans into believing that the phrase “we can’t win” is more applicable to Iraq than Democrats.
  • Kept Republicans from making criminals out of people who break immigration laws.
  • Created the most ethical Congress in history by requiring that all illicit funds kept in home freezers be labeled “meatloaf” instead of “bribes”, thus thwarting investigators… unless they like meatloaf.
  • Drank Ted Kennedy under the table (Ted Kennedy only).

Hopefully when they get back in a month, they’ll start working on what America REALLY wants:
More tax cuts & dead terrorists.

Attention

With all this controversy over The New Republic, I just want you to know that all IMAO articles are studiously fact-checked.
Now, the fact-checking is just done for our own entertainment as the results are never released and corrections are never issued, but I just want you to know that we’re never ignorant of when we’re outright lying to you. How many other news organizations can make that claim?

Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact

john edwards fabulous.jpgJohn Edwards’s Indian name is “Hands Like Squaw”.
Bonus fact from Silicon Valley Jim:
John Edwards’s high-school classmates used to throw him fully-clothed into the shower in the boys’ locker room, until they found out that he enjoyed it.
Bonus facts from Chris:
That famous Kim Carnes song was originally titled “Johnny Edwards Eyes”.
When John Edwards gets that sad, puppy dog look, even Fred Thompson starts getting a little misty.

Just a Thought…

Since the government passed those FISA wiretapping changes the left was so angry about, I assume the nutroots fears have come true about the government now wiretapping all the lefty bloggers. Do you think the NSA could release some of their phone conversations on YouTube along with animated pictures of talking monkeys? That could be pretty entertaining and something I’d be willing to put my tax dollars towards.

Everyone Go Read Now

Just do it.
This interview really tells us why things are such a mess in Iraq while at the same time showing us that there is something worth fighting for.
Hopefully someone can help this Iraqi interpreter in the interview get to America; he sounds like an American to me. And you heart has to break when you read this part:

MJT: What does [your son] want to do when he grows up?
Hammer: He wants to be an American soldier. He has his chair in his room with an American flag on it. Has a toy M-4. He has a little uniform that I got at the P/X.
When he sees Saddam he curses Saddam. I never told him to do that. He does this himself. When he holds his toy gun he says he will kill the insurgents. He wants to go to Disneyland. His hero is Arnold Schwartznegger — not the Terminator, but Arnold Schwartznegger. He has all his movies.

Anyway, there is a lot of insight from this one Iraqi. Once again, go read it.
(hat tip Hot Air)

Slogans for Defeat

Public opinion is starting to turn in favor of the surge, and that could be horrible news for Democrats. If Americans think victory is possible, why would they support those who favor defeat?
What Democrats need are slogans to sell defeat to the public. Here are some of my ideas:
“Wave your white flag high and proud.”
“The quickest way to end a war is to surrender.”
“Defeat would be a feat.”
“If you think surrender will end our nation, you forget that France has surrendered many times and it’s still around… mostly.”
“If something is hard, give up.”
“We demand another Vietnam.”
“Losing is good for our character.”
“Genocide helps fight global warming.”
“Losing a war doesn’t have to make us sad. We can all celebrate the other side’s win.”
“America must be humiliated! (and don’t question our patriotism)”
“It’s not that we want America to lose; it’s just that America winning is less important than Bush losing.”
Put your own slogan idea in the comments. The best slogan for selling defeat to the American public will win… high praise!

Know Thy Enemy: Unions

At YearlyKos, someone spoke about making a blogger union. That’s just so mind bogglingly stupid I don’t even know if I should comment on it. If there were two speakers with one in favor of making a blogger union and the other in favor of sticking forks in power outlets, I’d listen to the power outlet guy because he is making much more sense.
Other than that a union won’t work for bloggers (Won’t the MSM want us to strike? Aren’t there like a million scabs for any blogger who refuses to work?), unions are evil. I sent my crack research team to find out all they can about unions, and here is what they found:
FUN FACTS ABOUT UNIONS
* The word “union” comes from “un” mean “not” and “ion” meaning “energized.”
* Unions were formed when evil workers decided to get together and blackmail honest employers to give them more pay for less work.
* Ultimately, unions hope to be able to get paid for no work at all… or no work beyond threatening employers with physical violence.
* Unions force what they want through strikes where they refuse to work out of principle instead of just out of laziness.
* The cause of the Dark Ages: Unions.
* Satan and his minions being cast down from Heaven was God’s way of breaking up a union strike.
* Mob influence of union has declined in recent years as mobs have become more discriminating in who they associate with.
* Reason Krypton exploded: It was up to union labor to stabilize it’s core.
* Jimmy Hoffa ran afoul the wizard’s union and was disapparated.
* If surround by union thugs, don’t panic. They won’t beat you for more than five minutes straight without a paid break.
* If the sun ever unionized, we’d get only four hours of daytime a week.
* Unions fund themselves through collection of dues which are spent on cigars for the bosses to chomp and bribes for Democrats.
* What happened to the dinosaurs? They went union.
* Slogan of the teachers union: “If we teach even one child to read, then we’ve failed.”
* Scientist classify a union as a type of fungus.
* If you see union member working hard, report him to his union boss for a strict punishment.
* In a fight between Aquaman and unions, Aquaman would end up buried under Giants Stadium.
* If unions were successful in unionizing the Justice League of America, though, they’d force Superman to use less of his powers so as not to make the other unionized superheroes look bad.
* Unions have declined as Americans have begun favoring using marketable skills for leverage instead of blackmail.
* If you think you see a union, break it up using Shaolin style kung fu.
* Ever see something not getting done? Nine times out of ten it’s because of a union.
* If a union strike is causing you business to shut down, try hiring scabs. Or Mexicans.
* One day robots will replace union workers. The robots could eventually decide to kill all humans or, even worse, form their own union.
FULL DISCLOSURE: I was in a union when I worked in a supermarket from age 16 to 18. They took five dollars out of every paycheck and in exchange I got a newsletter explaining why Republicans are bad and Democrats are good.

When You See This Face, Hang Your Head in Shame

The mark of dishonor.

Just when I thought we had nothing left to learn from other countries, I read how Thai police officers who break the rules are punished by being forced to wear a Hello Kitty armband. I think what society needs more of are cute, public marks of shame.
Oh, here’s an idea! I think it should replace the donkey as the symbol of the Democrat Party. Since a donkey sometimes does hard work, it’s really not a good symbol for them. I think Hello Kitty is a much better symbol since it’s cute and pointless. The Democrats are merely pointless, but the cuteness of the symbol gives them something to aspire to.

Question

I saw as breaking new on the Drudge Report that nine in ten are for outlawing texting while driving. At some point, though, isn’t this all covered under regular reckless driving laws? Or do we actually have to pass separate laws for absolutely ever idiotic thing someone can think of doing while driving, such as a “no jigsaw puzzles while driving” law?

Daily Fred Thompson Fact

Fred Thompson is dishwasher safe.

Actually, I’d Settle for an Iota of Truth

It ends up that Beauchamp has recanted his story in The New Republic and stated that there was only a “smidgen” of truth to it.
I dunno; a smidgen sounds like plenty of truth to me. Exactly how much truth do you Right Wing Noise Machine Nazis want a news story defaming our troops to have before it gets published? Would half true be true enough? Do you want it to be mostly true? What unreasonable standards do you people have about news reporting?
Well, we here at IMAO think a smidgen of truth is plenty. In our eyes, TNR is vindicated, and Beauchamp should get an itty-bitty smidgen of a medal for his courageous telling of fractional truths.