For the Record

If your son has not drawn a gun at some point in his childhood, there is something wrong with him.
The school officials behind that suspension need to be pistol whipped.

Ronin Profiles: Andrew

Andrew

Let’s meet some more IMAO readers. Today, it’s Andrew.


What’s the story behind your name? One day I was walking along and was blinded by a brilliant flash of light. As I stumbled around in a blind stupor I heard a booming voice declaring, “I am Fred Thompson. From this day forward you will work toward advancing my political goals under the name Andrew. No go forth and punch liberals in their dumb monkey faces.” Oh, and that’s also the name on my birth certificate.
Where do you live? Scottsbluff, Nebraska
How old are you? 18
Tell us briefly about yourself. I am a freshman at the University of Nebraska majoring in broadcasting and political science with plans to become a sportscaster. I’m also very proud to say that I have a number of family members who have served in the military, including a cousin who will begin his second tour in Iraq beginning sometime around November.
What do you think made John Edwards such a little sissy? My theory is that when he was young he was taunted constantly for having a name very similar to that of known scam artist Jonathan Edward and was regularly beaten up for his lunch money by Rosie O’Donnell
How long have you been reading IMAO? About three or four years. I first became interested in the sight when I saw the Fun Facts About The French t-shirt on Thoseshirts.com and loved it.
What’s your favorite IMAO post?
There are so many, but I’ll have to say Know Thy Enemy, Fred Thompson Facts, and IMAO Condensed are my favorites.
What’s you favorite political issue? I’m not sure I really have a favorite, but the one I talk about the most is winning in Iraq, which in a sane world wouldn’t be political at all it would be common sense. Other than that, I’m a big fan of anything that leaves liberals in a sputtering rage.
Do you have a website? If so, please tell us briefly about it. www.andrewexmachina.blogspot.com Basically I post about whatever is going on in my life that I feel the need to write about or that annoys me. I try to post regularly every Friday and whenever I have something to talk about during the week. As much as I wish I could take credit for the clever Latin title that makes me sound smart, I must confess I ripped it off from the Dennis ex Machina segments that Dennis Miller sometimes does on his radio show.
You are being attacked by zombies. Which weapon do you choose: shotgun or flamethrower? A shotgun that uses flaming shells. That way I can have the best of both worlds when killing zombies. However the most effective way is still to tell Fred Thompson the zombies want to raise his taxes.


If you commented that you want to be included before, you’re still in the running. You can also comment in this post; just make sure you fill in your e-mail on the comment form (only I can see it so you don’t have to worry about getting spam). Eventually we’ll get to everyone. Thanks to everyone who has participated so far!

Know Nothings and What They Think They Know

There was a poll on political knowledge, and more liberals than conservatives think they are very knowledgeable about politics (42% versus 35%). First off, it should be noted that many fewer people identify themselves as liberal than conservative especially given the negative connotation, so you’d expect that group to be more politically aware to even identify themselves as liberal. More to the point, though, would you doubt that liberals think they know a lot about politics? If you ever read the left-wing blogosphere, they’re quite a bunch of condescending nitwits. They sit around in their echo chamber whining about how much smarter they are than everybody else while failing to comprehend the most simple concepts. Like a sign for Republican Michael Steele in front of some people’s yards saying “Steele Democrat” — it made complete sense to everyone except the Kos Kids who scrunched their little monkey faces in confusion (“Steele not Democrat. What mean sign?”). Their whole political movement is based on the sad misperception that they actually know anything.

Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact

john edwards fabulous.jpgJohn Edwards invented cocaine so that he could stay up all night admiring himself in the mirror.
Bonus Facts from Jim:
John Edwards believes that the three biggest issues facing America today are: poverty, health care, and split ends.
A review of John Edwards’s legal career proves that he can do what no other current candidate can do… embarrass lawyers.
Adult Bonus Facts containing references to anatomy that might make SarahK blushover here.

Tony Snow – Trying to Make Ends Meet

White House Press Secretary Tony Snow says he’ll be stepping down from his position due to ‘financial considerations’ – i.e., his $168,000 salary wasn’t enough to live on.
As a professional blogger, I can certainly sympathize with the difficulty of trying to make ends meet on a measly 6-figure paycheck.
Still, the more I read about the story, the sorrier I feel for Snow, because apparently he’s not let pride stand in his way when it comes to taking odd jobs (and worse) to help supplement his income. Things like:


“Please, kind reporters, can’t you spare just a LITTLE change?”
  • Returning Ted Kennedy’s empties for the deposit.
  • Mowing the White House lawn in a Speedo at Laura Bush’s request.
  • Which is nothing compared to the “favors” he’s been doing for Pelosi, who responded to queries about the deal with “Hey… there are some… things… that Paul simply will not do. And a woman has certain… needs“.
  • Following Bill around and e-mailing “bimbo reports” to Hillary.
  • Covertly collecting new entries to be published in “Bushisms, Vol. 6″.
  • Browbeating YouTube into taking down all those “Drunken Jenna” videos.
  • Placing personals ads on SodomiteConnections.com for John Edwards.
  • Murdering hobos to keep a fresh supply of human hearts ready for Dick Cheney, just in case.
  • Although rumor has it he sub-contracted that one out to Glenn Reynolds.
  • Doing a little time in the “subservient chicken” outfit.
  • Being Marion Barry’s third-shift crack-mule.
  • Drop-shipping pit bulls to a mysterious buyer in Virginia known only as M. V. Ick.

Rumor has it that he’s also mugged girl scouts for their cookie money, but hey, who hasn’t?

In My World: Trapdoor

PREVIOUSLY ON IN MY WORLD
“You haven’t been listening to the generals!” Harry Reid shouted at President Bush. “Iraq is just like Vietnam! You must withdraw troops now or we’re doomed! Dooooomed!”
TODAY ON IN MY WORLD
“You need to stop listening to the generals!” Harry Reid shouted at President Bush. “And Iraq will not be like Vietnam, so don’t worry about withdrawing the troops now! Now! Before we’re doomed! Doooomed!”

“Just pick up a stapler and staple him to death or something.”

“Rarr! I hate you Democrats!” Bush yelled. “The only thing doomed is your election prospects if we succeed in Iraq! But you won’t live that long!” Bush hit the trapdoor button and the floor fell out from underneath Harry Reid. “Muh ha ha ha ha!” Bush walked to the edge of the trapdoor. “Now you die!”
“Um… could you not drop your Democrats on me?” called a voice up from below.
“What? I thought there was supposed a lion or a rancor down there?”
“No, just Bob from accounting. This is my office and I have lots of paperwork to do.”
“I just assumed when the contractors came in and installed the trapdoor, they’d put a pit with deadly beast below it.”
“I never heard of that. My office has always been below yours.”
Bush stamped his foot in frustration. “Well… uh… could you kill Harry Reid?”
“What? I don’t…”
“Just pick up a stapler and staple him to death or something.”
“That’s… that’s really not in my job description. Anyway, he’s gotten up and walked out already.”
“This was supposed to be a pit of death! What use is a pit of accounting?” Bush thought for a moment. “I guess if someone came to me with an accounting question, I could send him through the trapdoor to you.”
“The person would fall right on my desk; I don’t think either of us would like that.”
“Details. Hey, could you push the trapdoor closed from down there.”
Bob got on his desk and pushed the flap back in place.
“Thanks!” Bush sat back at his desk and Tony Snow came in the room. “What’s up, Snowman? Hey, did you know there isn’t a pit of death under my office?”
Tony paused for a moment. “I’m not sure how to respond to that, sir.”
Bush’s hand hovered over the trapdoor button. “So, do you have an accounting question?”
“I’m going to say ‘No.’ I’m here to tell you that I’m going to be retiring from the job of White House Press Secretary. With all the stress and the toll on my health, this job has made me yearn for the simple, blissful days when I had cancer.”
Bush was sad for a moment, but then a thought struck him. “Hey! Maybe that hot chick can fill in for you again!”
Tony sighed. “I’m glad you’re excited. Anyway, I just wanted to give you notice.”
Bush nodded. “Hey, before you go, what’s six times thirteen?”
“Huh?”
“Kinda a tough math question.” Bush’s hand hovered over the trap door button. “Maybe one for an accountant.”
“It’s seventy-eight.”
Bush groaned in anger.
“I’m just going to leave now.”
After Tony Snow left, Chuck Hagel walked into the office. “We had scheduled a meeting about–”
Bush hit the trap door button and Hagel plummeted down. “Ahh! My back!”
“Hey! I’m trying to work down here!”

Ask Dr. Duck: The Answers

Just when you thought I couldn’t care less, here I come along and give you the answers you need.
Dr. Duck has weeks and weeks of training and he’s glad to help the Lost Children Of IMAO find their way.
Below, please find the questions you asked along with the wise wisdom I have decided to share with you.
**
Is it true that if Hillary Clinton bites you, you become just like her?
Posted by: RIck

Rick,
Yes, it’s true. If it happens, you’ll spend all your days sleeping and all your nights out doing fundraising. You’ll be repelled by smelly things like garlic and having people throw your own quotes back in your face. You’ll lie with the undead (aka the New York Times) and you’ll wish you were dead. On the other hand, William J sure knows how to party, so maybe it’s wouldn’t be all bad.
**
Dear Dr. Duck,
I have a Relationship question. I was absent-mindedly wondering how I might score with the chick advertising the “I Survived Roe v Wade” T-shirt that I see every time I log onto this fine upstanding conservative blog, without potentially pissing off her boyfriend and/or husband, and suffering potentially life threatening injury? Any suggestions?
Eternally hopeful,
“Man Can those Hip Huggers Get Any Lower”
Nubikins, New Jersey
Posted by: Brian_Thorn

First, if the girl is pretty enough, no, there’s no limit to how low hip huggers can go. Although, if she wears them any lower, she’ll have to ditch the t-shirt for Roe V Wade and wear one for Stanley Steemer.
Woo hoo. Babe is hot.
Now, there is some debate as to which girl is hotter, her or the ATF chick. IMHO that’s like asking which is better. Chocolate cake or cheesecake? Hey (slaps you guys on the head). Cake is cake. So just shut up and fantasize about licking the icing.
Just remember to be careful otherwise you’ll be asking some pretty embarrassing questions later on.
*
Does this look infected?
Posted by: FormerHostage

Yeah, like that one.
**

Continue reading ‘Ask Dr. Duck: The Answers’ »

Fear of Edwards

It’s come out that in 2004 that Karl Rove, fearing the then unknown John Edwards (he was the Obama of that year), coordinated an attack on John Kerry figuring the Democrats would then rally behind him and help the more vulnerable Kerry win the nomination.
Of course today there’s no candidate out there with as many negatives and as easy to attack as sissy, hypocritical John Edwards. Still, he’s not giving up. Recently, Rove had this “harsh” attack on Hillary Clinton:

“She enters the general election campaign with the highest negatives of any candidate in the history of the Gallup poll.
“It just says people have made an opinion about her. It’s hard to change opinions once you’ve been a high-profile person in the public eye, as she has for 16 or 17 years.”

Ooh! Harsh!
Edwards has seized on this in a new fundraising letter that Rove fears him.
Come on. Kittens don’t fear him. It would be the Republican’s dream if this piece of fluff is nominated. The guy is so ludicrous as a candidate, he almost rivals Kucinich. There has never been this transparent a phony get this close to a nomination. It would be the most entertaining presidential race ever if he won the primary, and IMAO could capitalize on bashing him so much that I’m sure by November 2008 we’d have traffic to rival the Daily Kos.
So, nutroots, you really think you’re the mainstream and you like Edwards? You get him nominated. Stop getting distracted by your tails and focus on that. Prove your vast grassroots power!

Links of the Day

I’ll get some stuff up later, but if you want something now check out links at Conservative Grapevine such as:

WorldNetDaily: Duncan Hunter’s letter to George Bush: “Only 17.9 of the 854 miles of fencing” have been built.
Deputydog: 13 of the worst fake accents in film
Ynet: Arabs surf Israeli porn sites
Ann Coulter: 1 down, 11,999,999 to go.

Conservative Grapevine: If you are looking for links, then you are at right place

Daily Fred Thompson Fact

It’s a common belief that, no matter how well-trained, Fred Thompson will eventually snap and violently attack a pitbull. In reality, every time Fred Thompson has attacked a pit bull he’s had a very good reason.