Al Qaeda is teasing of a “big surprise” coming up soon. Well, wake me when the terrorism happens; they’ve cried “We’re wolves!” too many times now to pay much attention to them. I’m more interested in when Paramount is going to publicly release that Iron Man footage.
Archive of entries posted on 1st August 2007
Ronin Profiles: Dr. Phat Tony
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Let’s meet some more IMAO readers. Today, it’s Dr. Phat Tony.
What’s the story behind your name? Stupid army nickname. My army buddies and I were sitting my room watching the Simpson (the episode that Bart was a bartender for the mob) and since my last name shortened is Tony they all thought that having someone named Phat Tony would be cool. I’m sure that it was Fat at one time but the name was modified after people saw the caliber of women I dated. I added the Dr. in front after some weirdo in your comment section (here) claimed to have a doctorate in some miniscule scope of science to give his wacko ideas more weight.
Where do you live? I live in North Alabama. About 6 hour drive from Spacemonkey land.
How old are you? 29
Tell us briefly about yourself. Just a guy who joined the Army as an infantryman and got lucky enough to serve as a long range surveillance soldier. I had to go all the way to Germany and be stationed there to meet my Polish wife.
Exactly how phat are you? It depends on how cold the water is.
How long have you been reading IMAO? I’ve been reading IMAO since 2003. Had seen an ad for your Know thy enemy t-shirts and looked you up.
What’s your favorite IMAO post? I really loved the IMAO Podcasts. Whatever happened to those things? I bet it’s Spacemonkeys fault, or the token Jooooooo.
Do you have a website? If so, please tell us briefly about it. Who doesn’t have a blog now days? http://drphattonys.blogspot.com/ My archives are probably much better than my current stuff, Lately it’s just been a left hand writing blog. I broke my first bone on Sunday and did this whole interview with my left hand. All that lefty stuff and I still don’t want National Healthcare.
Ever wish you had claws like Wolverine? I always thought Beyonder was the coolest Marvel character. I’m all about being omnipotent.
If you commented that you want to be included before, you’re still in the running. You can also comment in this post; just make sure you fill in your e-mail on the comment form (only I can see it so you don’t have to worry about getting spam). Eventually we’ll get to everyone. Thanks to everyone who has participated so far!
Sending 19,000 Additional UN Troops to Dafur “Best Idea Ever”
In a stroke of strategic brilliance, the UN has authorized the deployment of 19,000 new peacekeeping troops to the troubled Darfur region of Western Sudan, nearly quadrupling the current multinational force of 7,000 already on station.
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“The decision to send additional armed forces into a war-torn area” said UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon, “is a move that’s utterly unprecedented in the history of modern warfare. Only a sophisticated military genius such as myself could have thought of it.”
French UN Ambassador Jean-Marc de la Sablière hailed it as “the best idea ever for putting a stop to civil unrest”, saying that “it’s too bad nobody else ever considered a similar option, because – even though I’m not a gambling man – I’d gladly bet my bloated government stipend that this decision is a sure winner.”
Britain’s Ambassador, Sir Emyr Jones Parry, was in complete awe of the plan. “it’s almost as though the troops will be ‘surging’ into the area,” noted Parry enthusiastically, “shooting the bad guys and protecting the innocent. You’d have to be either ignorant, dishonest, or some sort of subversive traitor to pretend this isn’t the intelligent way to go.”
Although completely unconnected to the decision, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi called a press conference to lavish praise on this startlingly original plan.
“I’m not usually in favor of anything even remotely war-like,” said Pelosi,” but… DAMN!… how can you NOT love this? Freakin’ BRILLIANT!”
“It’s a crying shame,” she concluded glumly, “that none of America’s war strategists were imaginative enough to dream up something like this. We could’ve actually had a shot at winning this war. Pity our only way out now is to cut our losses, slink home, and lick our wounds.”
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
John Edwards became a complete gym rat after buying a membership at Curves.
Bonus facts from Silicon Valley Jim:
Now playing on John Edwards’s video iPod – “I Enjoy Being a Girl“.
After John Edwards graduated from law school in 1977, he was undecided as to his career path. He eventually chose to become a trial lawyer after he failed in his audition with the Village People.
More Evidence That Liberals Are Beyond Parody
Wow. You know how the other day I was saying someone could just take something a liberal blogger wrote and claim it was instead a brilliant parody of a liberal, well I just found a recommended diary at Kos I wish I wrote. Here’s part of it:
The most important people in Democratic politics don’t even know it.
It’s the kid with the anger in his eyes I saw on my way to the swimming pool…anger at the injustice of a school system that’s written him off in the fifth grade…anger at a society that tells him every day that he is less than a full citizen because of the color of his skin just like his dad and his uncles.
It’s the overweight mom I see in my neighborhood. The one with two young children who has pre-diabetes and doesn’t know it yet. She lives in a society that won’t give her preventative care or nutritional education, but which underwrites big corporations that sell her super-sized food that is silently eating away at her body.
…
It’s that girl I saw on the subway who looked at me with that curious stare. She doesn’t even know about global warming.
…
the most important person in Democratic politics is you.
Read the whole thing. I was thinking of fisking it, but I don’t think I could add to the hilarity. It’s like a mixture between a brain dead college activist and a third grader. And this is a recommended diary. As you read it, just imagine the Kos Kids staring at it with their wide monkey eyes and nodding along in agreement at its vast wisdom. Some claimed to have cried reading it. I just want to find one of these people, pat him on the head and say, “Lighten up, Francis.”
UPDATE
On second thought, let’s have some fun with it. Write your own ending to “It’s that girl I saw on the subway who looked at me with that curious stare. She doesn’t even know about global warming. ” Such as…
“It’s that girl I saw on the subway who looked at me with that curious stare. She doesn’t even know about how the Attorney General had fired federal prosecutors. ”
“It’s that girl I saw on the subway who looked at me with that curious stare. It was then I realized I wasn’t wearing pants.”
“It’s that girl I saw on the subway who looked at me with that curious stare. I think she’s a Karl Rove spy.”
“It’s that girl I saw on the subway who looked at me with that curious stare. Damn her eyes!”
“It’s that girl I saw on the subway who looked at me with that curious stare. Could she actually see my inflated sense of self-importance?”
Best one wins high praise! You can do the other ones as well:
“It’s the kid with the anger in his eyes I saw on my way to the swimming pool…anger at the first graders who had just peed in the pool.”
“It’s the kid with the anger in his eyes I saw on my way to the swimming pool…how does he know I’m plotting against him?”
I wonder who the guy is who wrote this. He has a blog, but from as scan of it I haven’t found evidence that he is an elementary school kid like I first assumed.
UPDATE:
Maybe this is kid oakland:
I Was Thinking…
In My World: Losing Perspective
“Pull all the troops out of Iraq now! NOW!” President Bush shouted into the phone.
“Mr. President, what’s happening?” asked a bemused Tony Snow.
Bush tossed a newspaper at him. “The New York Times has an editorial saying we can win in Iraq! That means something really bad must be going on down there, and I don’t want our troops just sitting around waiting to find out what it is!”
“The editorial was by the Brookings Institution, not the New York Times itself,” Tony told him. “It was pretty well informed.”
“So its not some huge trap the New York Times and al Qeda have set up for America?” Bush asked cautiously.
“I doubt it.”
Bush picked up the phone. “Cancel the withdrawal order; tell all the troops to stay where they are. Thanks.” He hung up. “This is why I don’t read the newspaper; it’s gets me all worked up.”
“Anyway, we need–”
“Wait one sec.” Bush picked up the phone once more. “Also, disable those nuclear missiles I launched… Yeah, no rush. Just do it sometime before they hit. Thanks.” He hung up the phone. “So, snowman, I feel hungry for pie!”
“If generals are saying the surge is working, why should we listen to you, a Senator Reid, a doddering old man?” asked a reporter at the press conference.
“Bah! Generals don’t know anything! The only one who knows anything are those… um… smelly people I talk to.” He turned to his aide. “What are they called again?”
“Left-wing bloggers.”
Reid turned back to the reporters. “Yes, the bloggers. Everything is going poorly in Iraq. It is doomed! The efforts of the troops there are in vain! They’re doomed! Dooooomed!”
“Why is your tie missing?” another reporter asked.
“On the way here, a mugger took it along with my wallet. He also started brutalizing my wife. I thought of verbally protesting his actions, but decided not to get involved. Who knows if I wouldn’t have just made things worse?”
“Is your wife all right?”
“I don’t know and I don’t care! That doesn’t affect the Democratic Party!”
Reid stormed off with his fellow Democrats into a nearby conference room. “Patriotism, happiness, military victory: These are the demons we must slay if we want to ensure a the Democrats win big in 2008,” Reid told his people. “I don’t like the idea of people thinking that things could be going well in Iraq; success there could be the most devastating blow to the Democratic Party since the end of slavery! We were counting on al Qaeda to continuing killing lots of people in Iraq, but if they’re slacking, we’ll have to do it ourselves.” Reid turned to a DNC intern. “You! I need you to go over to Iraq and blow up lots of people.”
“Um… I don’t know…”
Reid grabbed him by the collar. “When you joined the DNC, you knew it could be a suicide mission!”
“Do you think maybe you’re losing perspective here?” the intern asked. “Maybe it’s better we change positions instead of supporting killing the innocent.”
“I have perspective!” Reid shouted. “How many Democratic defeats is worth an Iraqi’s life? I say, it’s better all the Iraqis die a horrible death than the Democrats lose one election! Now go to Iraq and blow people up! Try to kill some troops, too; they lean Republican, anyway.”
Reid’s aide took the intern aside. “He’s just cranky and needs a nap.”
There was a knock at the door and a police officer came in.
“Good! Did you find my tie?” Reid asked.
“No, but we have your wife and she’s okay.”
“Does she have my tie?”
“I don’t think so.”
“But did you find out who pooped in my car?”
“Yes. That was you.”
“Thanks, officer,” Reid’s aide said as he ushered the man out of the room. “It’s time for the Senator’s nap.” When the aide turned around, Reid already had his head on the table and was fast asleep in a puddle of drool.
“Doooomed. Dooooomed.” Reid uttered in his sleep.
“So I don’t have to go to Iraq and blow people up?” the intern asked Reid’s aide.
“No… at least not this far away from the election.”
Cynical in an Optimistic Way
I notice a lot of the liberals are really cynical of the other side is just an insanely pessimistic way. They think that everyone who disagrees with them on politics isn’t arguing because they honestly believe their views are what’s best for America; instead, they think conservatives’ public views are just a cover to our agenda of pure evil and killing minorities for profit.
I’m the other way. I’m cynical of liberals’ stated views because I think that they don’t really believe what they say because deep down most are still patriotic Americans who’ve suppressed the ability to express that overtly. It’s like how many people said they would move out of the country if President Bush was reelected and no one followed through. And how many liberals knew exactly the right things to say after the terrorists attacks on 9/11 — if only for a short time they let themselves talk that way.
I think mine is much happier cynicism of the other side.
IMAO Condensed: John Edwards
Mitt Romney “Something to Believe In” Ad
Once again, a new Mitt Romney ad in the same vein as his “Ocean” ad. An IMAO exclusive!