Ask Dr. Duck: The Questions

After reading throuh comments, I have to say that many of you need help. Serious help!
For that, I blame myself. After all, IMAO are like my children; and what am I doing? Sitting on the couch drinking beer while my kids play with sharp knives. So it’s pretty much like real life. However, considering that – at last count – there were 400 million Americans without medical care, that means that it’s up to me, Dr. Duck, to help you with my sound advice and pearls of wisdom.
So what are your questions? Relationships? Career? World events?
I am here to answer it all.
As the great Italian inventor Leonardo Da Vinci once said: I miei calzini sono blu. Farli gradicono i miei calzini blu. Perché siete che leggete questo? Non avete vita? Lo avete pensato avete avuti avreste parole della veritâ dentro qui? Dovete essere non pratici con IMAO.
(Loosely translated: Life is short. Blame Bush for the bad economy)
Leave your questions in comments.
Answers will be up soon.

Ronin Profiles: G Fresh

G Fresh

Let’s meet some more IMAO readers. Today, it’s G Fresh.


What’s the story behind your name? This bar I used to hang out at all the time back home in Indiana had one of those 25 cent touch screen gaming systems, or as I liked to call it, “The Crack Machine”. I had a huge Crystal Balls rivalry with a friend of mine who worked at the bar. Whenever you got one of the top 3 scores you got to put your name on the high scorers list. Unfortunately, there were only 7 characters allowed so rather than trying to do a personalized license plate version of my full name, my friend suggested that I use G Fresh because I am the whitest and un-hip-hoppiest person ever. It just kind of stuck. I actually have friends in real life who call me G Fresh pretty much exclusively.
Where do you live? Nashville, TN
How old are you? I just turned 30 on 07/07/07. It’s not too late to send me presents. Hookers and blow or Frank J’s book are always a good way to go.
Tell us briefly about yourself. I’m 30 years old, single and childless which I suspect makes my parents think I’m either gay, which I’m not, or that I’m just retarded when it comes to relationships, which is a distinct possibility. I’m a singer/songwriter who shamelessly plugs himself constantly (and not in the weird, creepy John Edwards kind of way, but more along the lines of www.myspace.com/matthewgates ) and I like beer…and waffles.
What’s worse: A monkey or a liberal? Whew, that’s a tough one, but I think I’m gonna have to go with a liberal on this one. The intelligence level is about the same between the two, but liberals tend to have an adult human digestive tract which produces far more poo for flinging than a monkey’s.
How long have you been reading IMAO? A couple of years I think. I “Stumbled” on it one glorious, life-changing day and finally found a place where I could freely express my (until then) hidden desire to nuke the moon.
What’s your favorite IMAO post? I’m a big fan of Frank the Artist as well as In My World.
What’s you favorite political issue? Currently it’s illegal immigration and the always popular Global War On Terror.
Do you have a website? If so, please tell us briefly about it. I’ve got the obligatory musician’s Myspace which I plugged earlier, but I’ve also got a youtube site with some of my musical performance videos at www.youtube.com/mattygfresh.
What would you rather have: A star destroyer or a death star? I think having a death star would be a little bit scary because that would mean that the moon could in fact nuke you. I’m gonna have to go with the star destroyer. The mere thought of the carbon footprint I could create by flying that thing around makes my giblets go all-a-tingle. It’s like the ultimate SUV!


If you commented that you want to be included before, you’re still in the running. You can also comment in this post; just make sure you fill in your e-mail on the comment form (only I can see it so you don’t have to worry about getting spam). Eventually we’ll get to everyone. Thanks to everyone who has participated so far!

IMAO Condensed: Taxes

Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact

john edwards fabulous.jpgJohn Edwards cant resist jumping into the flame wars on the “Downy vs. Snuggle” message boards.

Obama Vows to Ease Cuban Embargo

MIAMI (AP) – Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama criticized President Bush’s Cuba policy, and promised to roll back the extra travel and financial restrictions added by Bush.
In 2004, Bush changed US law so that Cubans in the U.S. can only visit the island once every three years and can only send quarterly remittances of up to $300 per household to immediate family members. Previously, they could visit once a year and send up to $3,000.
Obama said he would rescind those policies, and hinted that other changes might follow.

Obama demonstrates how he will crush Castro’s windpipe.

“I want to make it easier for Cuban-Americans to visit their loved ones,” said Obama. “In fact, I want to make it easier for ALL Americans to visit Cuba. When I am elected President, my first act will be full legalization of travel to Cuba. Starting with 100,000 heavily armed American troops.”
“Let’s face it,” Obama said, “it’s just downright embarrassing to have a commie dictatorship 90 miles from our border. JFK totally screwed the pooch on the Bay of Pigs invasion in ’61, and it’s WAY past high time we put a band-aid on that bloody nose and went back in, swinging like Mike Tyson & ready to eat some ears. Or at the very least, spraying napalm like Smaug doing a spit-take.”
“Now, I have a firm ‘no nukes’ policy,” clarified Obama, “but I never said anything about chemical or biological weapons. There’s a time and a place for mustard gas, and if Cuba ain’t it, I don’t know what is.”
“Once Cuba is a cratered ruin and the Gulf of Mexico flows red with the blood of degenerate Commie swine,” Obama concluded, “there would be no further need for Bush’s failed embargo policy.”

Know Thy Enemy: Childhood Obesity

I often hear from people, “Man, things are going so great in the world… except for all the fat kids.” Childhood obesity has become a great problem affecting everyone since we all have to look at these fat children. So, I had my crack research team found out all they can:
FUN FACTS ABOUT CHILDHOOD OBESITY
* SUVs would get great gas mileage if it weren’t that they were so often filled with fat kids.
* Childhood obesity also affects education, as its hard for a kid to learn math while stuffing his face full of Ho-Hos.

A Lebanese woman reacts to childhood obesity.
  • We’re talking fat, stupid children.
  • Scientists have determined that children become obese because of their moral failings and thus deserve the ridicule.
  • Too many fat kids will drive down property values, so if you’re having an open house, first drive an ice cream truck through your neighborhood and out of town, leading the fat children away like plump rats following the pied piper.
  • Part of the problem is that it takes caring parents to help fight obesity, but the fatter their children are, the more trouble parents have feeling any affection for them whatsoever.
  • Fat, stupid, unloved children.
  • If you find yourself surrounded by fat children, throw a stick of butter and escape while they plod after it. Last thing you want is for them to get their chubby, sticky hands on you.
  • The best way to fight childhood obesity is by promoting healthy eating and exercise. You can also use ridicule.
  • Number one threat to forests: All the fat kids trampling plant life as they search for sweet sweet berries.
  • Fat, stupid, unloved children clomping through the forests in search of food.
  • When an obese child stares up at you with those sad eyes framed by a face covered in chocolate, you can almost feel sympathy for him. Don’t fall for it!
  • In a battle between Aquaman and childhood obesity, Aquaman would have to spend most of his day fetching chunky Aqualad who would keep floating to the surface like a buoy.
  • Why does California get earthquakes? Because the weight of all those fat kids messes up the tectonic plates.
  • Fat, stupid, unloved children — even the earth trembles in anger at their existence!
  • Liberals’ children often become obese because liberals are too afraid it would hurt their child’s feelings to slap the ever present Twinkie out of his hand.
  • Monkey-faced liberals and their fat children waddling about like beach balls with stubby little limbs.
  • Obese children are of some uses such as when hiking through Africa. If your party gets chased by a tiger, it will obviously first grab the slow moving fat kids given you time to escape.
  • How can you tell if a child is obese and not just fat? Throw him in a lake and measure the rate at which he bobs.
  • In case of a nuclear holocaust, obese children are the most likely to survive since their stored fat will give them sustenance during the famine and protect them from the cold of the nuclear winter.
  • That’s our future: Fat, stupid children who have never known human affection aimlessly waddling through a nuclear wasteland. Thank you, McDonald’s.

Making Crazy People Crazier

I kinda like how IMAO doesn’t anger left wing blogs that often. We’re a happy site, so who could be angry at us? Still, I sometimes envy the power of other people to enrage the other side, to get them screeching and jumping around like monkeys who just had their cage shaken.
I thought Jonah Goldberg’s recent column was fairly innocuous. It’s about that, while lefties dominate the web now, that’s more due to them being on the offensive and things were different back when Clinton was president and will be different when a Democrat becomes President again. A simple, reasoned point with hardly an insult to the left thrown in it. Yet he got a giant post on the front page of Daily Kos dedicated to tearing him to shreds. Yes, a front page post; for the new “center” of the American pubic, there apparently is nothing more important than attacking Jonah Goldberg for pointing out the cyclical nature of political momentum. For about five or six paragraphs, Hunter writes, “I hate Jonah Goldberg. Jonah Goldberg is stupid. I hate Jonah Goldberg.” over and over before even mentioning anything in the article he disputed (and his first objection to the article was a purely semantically one; Goldberg said writing professionally on the internet since 1998 make him old in newcomer years and Hunter says it makes him a “newcomer”). Actually, Hunter barely quotes any of the article and just rants for pages and pages. That’s crazy hatred right there… near BDS level even.
That’s almost like a superpower being able to drive the left into an irrational frenzy without even trying. What if Goldberg purposely tried to anger them and wrote something like, “Everyone at Kos smells and is ugly.”? They’d go so crazy, they might miss that an election is going on.
For now, I’m happy as fun-loving Frank J., but I kept help imagine what I could do with such power.

Links of the Day

While I get my posts together, you can check out links at Conservative Grapevine such as:

Monica Crowley: Who the liberals really are.
Rachel Lucas: rosie, u r less smart, than my dog’s poop.
Dr. Melissa Clouthier: How political correctness hinders scientific research.
Popular Mechanics: Popular Mechanics investigates 9/11 myths: FAQs

Conservative Grapevine: A site with links
Also, John Hawkins has a new poll of right wing bloggers up about the draft, Rove, and other issues.

Daily Fred Thompson Fact

Quotes from Sun Tzu’s Art of War:
“He who knows when he can fight and when he cannot, will be victorious.”
“The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting.”
“If you pick a battle with Fred Thompson, can I have your stereo?”