WASHINGTON (AP) – In a shocking reversal of his previous anti-war rhetoric, presidential candidate Barack Obama told his audience at the Woodrow Wilson International Center for Scholars that his revised foreign policy will be to kill all terrorists, regardless of where they’re located.
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“It was weird,” said Obama, “I was just standing there shaving this morning, when it hit me like a Supreme Court Justice’s seizure – Holy crap! Terrorists are trying to kill us! Suddenly I understood what I fool I’ve been for so long. Well, no more. No more diplomacy, no more chit-chat, no more Edwardsfooting around. From now on, all I can say is ‘kill ’em all & let Allah sort ’em out'”!
“Why are we playing little ‘pretend co-operation games’ with terrorist safe-havens like Pakistan, Iran, and Saudi Arabia,” said the Senator, his eyes blazing with genocidal fire, “when we’ve got 30,000 nukes just itching to turn these homicidal maniacs into radioactive shadows on rubble?”
“If elected,” he continued, “I will finish the job that President Bush so timidly started. We won’t give the terrorists the opportunity to strike at us, because I will transform their nations into barren, lifeless wastelands before they can say ‘Allah Akbar!”
“The President of the United States has the authority AND the responsibility to protect this nation,” cried Obama, his voice rising with passionate determination. “There is only one means at our disposal that will fulfill this mandate. I will rain fire and death upon our enemies! None who oppose us shall survive! All shall perish in the cleansing atomic holocaust of flame! The seas will boil! The skies will be filled with Islamic blood! The time of judgment is nigh! All hail the coming Barackalypse!”
At the conclusion of his bold statements, a pin was heard hitting the floor in the back of the room before cheers suddenly erupted from the assembled multitude, as from a single, powerful throat.
One attendee – who would only identify himself by the obviously false name of “Frank J.” – remarked, “Wow! And I thought I was a lunatic for suggesting that we nuke the moon to consolidate the world’s fear of the United States! This Barack guy is a stone-cold Armageddon FREAK! I love it!”
“Screw Fred Thompson,” said Mr. ‘J’, “Obama’s got MY vote!”
Oh, God. I just died from a laughter-induced stroke…
Obama would totally get my vote in that universe, simply due to the fact Fred would just shrug and get back to catfishin, since there would be no more terrorists.
One of your best, Harv.
You can’t stop the Barackalypse!
Uh oh… screw he-who-shall-not-be-screwed? Frank J is in some trouble now…if he isn’t already dead.
Anyone who quotes Pink Floyd is okay in my book. Not that I’d vote for him, but he can’t be all bad…
Barackalypse Now!!!
“We won’t give the terrorists the opportunity to strike at us, because I will transform their nations into barren, lifeless wastelands before they can say ‘Allah Akbar!””
Umm…barren, lifeless wasteland? Too late. If Obamalama Ding-dong would just a open suicide bomber training camp for liberals and send THEM after the terrorists, then we’d have a good start.
Frank J – Did they get you trade your heroes for ghosts?
Bring on the Barackalypse!!!
Harvey, this is by far your best post.
Am I the only one who thinks it’s funny that he said these things at the Woodrow Wilson International Center for Scholars?
Woodrow Wilson wasn’t exactly a warmonger, he was one of the first internationalists and was one of the people calling for territorial integrity via the creation of the League of Nations? (see point XIV XIV. A general association of nations must be formed under specific covenants for the purpose of affording mutual guarantees of political independence and territorial integrity to great and small states alike.).
The only way that would have been funnier is if Obama had said it at the Jimmy Carter Center for Appeasing Communist and Islamic Dictators.
With all those nukes spewing nuclear ash into the upper atmosphere the planet will experience global cooling. Whacking sheetheads and solving environmental problems at the same time. Osamabama is a true genius. ( snark snark satire satire )
if all this parody stuff IMAO’s posting about Obama came true, I might actually be able to vote for the guy
…Ding!
Litl’ Barry was abruptly awoken from his “dream-within-a-daydream.” His ‘hotpocket’ was done, Nuked to cheesy perfection. This, along with the ‘lunchables’ that Mother had prepared for him earlier, would make for a tasty noon-time feast.
Yummy!
JEEZ. Even our stuff is funnier than that.
Bring back Frank J!
“It was weird,” said Obama, “I was just standing there shaving this morning, when it hit me like a Supreme Court Justice’s seizure – Holy crap!
Bwu hahahahah.
Genius.
BSS – Well, here’s the URL for YOUR take on Obama’s speech:
http://bilesnarksneer.typepad.com/bile_snark_sneer/2007/08/washington—de.html
We’ll let the readers decide which one’s better.
Offhand, I’d say mine, mostly because it’s shorter, more focused, and more congruent with the actual news story. Yours wandered off topic a bit, plus it’s a bit of a stretch to portray Obama as anti-Semitic. Even if it’s true, it’s not a popularly-accepted stereotype of him, so it doesn’t work as well as a basis for humor as another angle might’ve.
Harvey, da man!
Super post!
Good point, Alice H.
Loved it, but how in the name of God, did you get the Oalabama campaign to put an ad on this site?
Harvey – you win hands down…the photo/caption alone would win this one.
This Barack guy is a stone-cold Armageddon FREAK! I love it!”
I think he’s a-sexual, also.