I thought it would be appropriate to dig Frank J’s “Know Thy Enemy: Canada” out of the archives so that it can be enjoyed by a new generation of IMAO readers.
And also by the old generation, who, sadly, is afflicted with Alzheimer’s and completely forgot they read this in 2004.
Canada always seemed to be too inconsequential to be an enemy, but I sent my crack research staff to find out what they can about Canada to see for sure if our neighbor to the north can be trusted.
FUN FACTS ABOUT CANADA
* Canada was originally populated by peoples loyal to Britain and dumb people who just got lost.
* Canada is still technically owned by England and has to dance for them when commanded.
* That happens usually three times a year.
* The border between U.S. and Canada is the longest unprotected border in the world. There are plans to mine it, set up video cameras all along it, and not tell Canada for a new Fox special called When Americans Are Bastards.
* It is rumored Canada has its own military. Their most powerful weapon is the telephone with which they can call America and say, “Help! We’re being invaded, eh!”
* Canadians are almost as genetically similar to humans as the chimpanzee.
* Was originally called Cana, but, since everyone there said, “I live in Cana, duuuuh,” the name Canada eventually stuck.
* For the same reasons, it will eventually be known as Canadada.
* Their national symbol is the most evil of leafs, the Maple Leaf, a.k.a. Satan’s Palm.
* In a fight between Aquaman and a maple leaf… actually, a maple leaf is even too lame for Aquaman. Our national symbol, the bald eagle, would whup Aquaman’s ass, though.
* Canadians pretend to be peaceful, but more Canadians are murdered in Canada every year than any other country.
* Canada modeled their currency after ours just to annoy us when we accidentally get useless Canadian trinkets in change instead of hard American currency.
* Canada has a picture of a queen on their money to show their contempt for democracy.
* A large minority of Canadians speak French, and they boss around the rest of the Canadians. Bossed around by French-speaking people – that’s so pathetic I can’t even imagine it.
* Canadians think they are superior to Americans. The rational basis for this is unknown.
* Canada holds up a sham democracy to try and be accepted by the civilized world, but in fact all real decisions are made by their moose overlord.
* It’s a myth that the normal way a Canadian says “about” is so that it rhymes with “boot”. It just happens that a lot of Canadians are retarded.
* The northern area of Canada is technically God-forsaken. If anyone there has a prayer, he or she first has to mail it to an American priest for God to hear it.
* Most of the prayers involve hockey and are promptly ignored.
* If a Canadian ever tries to express an opinion about America, hit him on the head with a rolled up newspaper while shouting, “No!” You have to catch them in the act or they’ll never learn.
* Canada has gone its entire history without doing anything of note, something almost unheard of for a country its size.
* Canada has become an entry point for terrorists which has caused Canada’s boring index to decrease slightly.
* Canada doesn’t have all the beliefs in liberty and freedom of speech that we have. So, if you have to go to Canada, make sure to bring a gun to help them recognize.
* Canada is so defective that it loses gravity for six hours every month.
* Canada has no known industry. It’s believed all their income comes from sales of syrup and hockey tickets.
* Canadians have universal healthcare. The way they afford it is making people wait so long that most die before seeing a doctor.
* Canadians are completely harmless, but don’t assume someone who is wearing a hockey mask is Canadian. The people at Crystal Lake made that mistake and, well, it was messy.
* Canadians don’t have any nuclear missiles because we decided they are not mature enough for them. Maybe when they’re older.
* Canadians have national gun registration. While solving no crime, the excessive amount of money the initiative has taken has foiled Canada’s evil schemes to make mutant snow monkeys.
* If ever attacked by a Canadian… well… beat the crap out of him. What? You can’t take a Canadian? What kind of pansy are you?
* This list would be classified as a hate crime in Canada.
* Actually, most Canadians who read this list would just say, “Eh?”
* It is an internet myth that Canada is actually New Zealand in the Witness Protection Program.
* Canada’s major exports are comedians and people seeking timely healthcare.
* Although areas of Canada look very similar to areas in the US, you can tell they are not the same because they have a lower thread count (ask your girlfriend or wife what that means).
It always good to have a refresher about our enemy to the north. Especially for us older folks.
And you kids get off my lawn!
Canadians did make the outstanding film The Final Sacrifice and I applaud them.
Roh roh Shaggy! Am I on the Terrorist Watch list? How come my first comment to this thread had the tag “Your comment is awaiting moderation.” attached? I HATE moderates, why would you want to make me sound line one?
Alanis Morissette…need I say more?
Ooops. I mispelled my email address so two of my comments got flagged for moderation. My only excuse is that I spent all last week digging out from underneath Global Warming and my brain is frozen. Here’s my first comment rebooted:
* It is an internet myth that Canada is actually New Zealand in the Witness Protection Program.
* Canada’s major exports are comedians and people seeking timely healthcare.
* Although areas of Canada look very similar to areas in the US, you can tell they are not the same because they have a lower thread count (ask your girlfriend or wife what that means).
How can someone who is so right about curling be so wrong about Canada?
The fine men and women of Princess Patricia’s Canadian Light Infantry “The toughest soldiers with the wimpiest name!” might disagree with you on a few of these items. I’d suggest staying at least two miles away from any of them, because if you get any closer they may just shoot your a$$ dead.
Mitt romney
Canadians like curling — nuff said!
Canadians have a near pathological hatred of their only known enemy in the world…Harp seal pups! They bravely venture forth every year to do mortal combat with said pups armed only with clubs, staves, and skinning knives. So far they have been successful in holding off the Godless hordes of Harp seal pups trying to invade Mother Canada. But what of the Harp seal pups? After defeating their mortal enemies the Canadians actually turn a profit by selling their pelts to Norwegian fur dealers who turn them into fur coats for Barbie Dolls. Canada….keeping the world safe from Harp seal pups!
The Olympic mascot is a cuddly sasquatch. They can’t even make their scary monsters scary. Or how about (aboot?) an angry bear. Too scary, I gfuess.
They did come up one kick butt exercise guide from thei Air Force, though. and yummuy maple syrup.
OMG don’t show this list to Sarah Palin, or you’ll have to publicly apologize.
When I visit other countries, I’m usually heavily armed and accompanied by several hundred of my closest friends, who are also heavily armed. We haven’t been to Canada yet.
And you all break things which is why other countries can never have anything nice!
there’s a place called Canada??? When did that happen??
2004? Frank was alive/blogging then? Heh. I dinna know of IMAO till about what, 2 years ago. Although recently I did accidentally fall onto a front page of Franks’ glee club site or something from 2005 I believe.
It was empty though, and that made Coronas’ feet sad.
In 1988 I drove up from Lancaster NH to Sherborne(?) CAN and stayed there for about 4 hours. Hey I was living in northern NH, I had to DO something to stave off boredom.
Once I drove past the border into Canada my windshield got completely bombarded by flying ants or something. I had to pull over and squeegee my windshield clean. I think I used a piece of cardboard and my undershirt.
I noticed the highway was a bit shabbier after crossing over too. And being the only car on that highway made it kinda Kubrick.
Canada is a lot like North Dakota, only colder.
Its tragic that the folks living in the usa are so misinformed about the “True North Strong and Free”. Maybe if the spent a little more time becoming educated and less time telling everyone how great they are they, like Canadians, wouldn’t have to go all over the world telling everyone how great they are. It’s pretty lame when one goes 5o miles south of the border and someone asks you to speak a little “Canadian” to them. Oh well, I guess ignorance is bliss.
Fred is obviously not a real Canadian, since his comment didn’t end with “eh?”