Archive of entries posted on 24th February 2010

Ole Miss needs a mascot

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The University of Mississippi — Ole Miss — is going to have a new mascot. And, the students voted on whether or not the students should have a say in the mascot (tip: Paul Mitchell). Yes, they voted on whether to vote. Now, I’ll admit that I’ve attended meetings to schedule meetings, but I have never voted on voting. I need to think about that.

Anyway, Ole Miss has said goodbye to Colonel Rebel. Because he’s racist. I mean, look at him…

So, who should replace Colonel Rebel? The leading candidate is Admiral Ackbar. Yes, the character from Star Wars. Really.

But, George Lucas will never agree. So, what’s Ole Miss to do?

I have some ideas.

Burl Ives would be a good choice…

They’d replace the “From Dixie With Love” as the fight song with “Jimmy Crack Corn.”

Another idea would be Harland Sanders, a successful southern businessman…

They could even pass out fried chicken at the games. Fried chicken isn’t racist, is it?

If southern characters are eliminated — because of the reminder that Ole Miss is actually in Mississippi — there is a character from up north that might work. I’m thinking about Sam The Snowman from
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer…

They could sing “Holly Jolly Christmas” at games. Or “We’re A Couple Of Misfits.”

However, there is another possibility. What about an historical character that would be closely related to those that decided to get rid of Colonel Rebel to begin with. Who? Why, Leon Trotsky, of course…

Any of these would be suitable candidates for the job of mascot at Ole Miss. Unless you have another idea?

IMAO Reader Theater: “Christopher Hitchens Finds God!”

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Chris (websterglobe) presents: “Christopher Hitchens Finds God!”

Love this one or hate it, you’ve still got to respect it for being nominated for the coveted Massengill Award (aka the “Not-So-Freshie”)


[Xtranormal direct link]

Take a hippie-punch at fame by creating your own IMAO-worthy video at Xtranormal (“If you can type, you can make movies“). Send a link to harvolson-at-gmail.com and I’ll give it a look. If it isn’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and it doesn’t suck too terribly bad, I’ll post it and let the readers throw roses and/or tomatoes at you.

In My World: What Killed the Polar Bears?

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It was a horrific scene. Dead polar bears lying in their own blood all over the Arctic. They were viciously murdered, but by whom? “What’s the evidence?” Detective Ian Competent asked.

“It was pretty brutal,” Officer Johnson said. “They were all viciously murdered. Some were even strangled with their own intestines. And no evidence of who did it… besides a note left on the scene that says, ‘I, Donald Rumsfeld, killed all these polar bears because I was bored.'”

“Baffling,” the detective said, looking over the scene. “We’ll have to bring in a scientist to help find out what happened.”

A man in a white lab coat hurried over to them. “It is I, Professor Science!, here to use Science! to answer any questions you may have!”

“So can you figure out what killed these polar bears?” the detective asked.

“Science! can determine the answer to any question! Observe!” Professor Science! took out a beaker containing a clear liquid and a test tube holding another clear liquid. “See. Both these liquids are clear. But look what happens when I combine them.” Professor Science! poured the test tube into the beaker, and the liquid turned purple.

“It’s magic!” Officer Johnson exclaimed, shaking in fear.

“No! It is Science!” Professor Science! exclaimed. “By pouring one chemical into the other, I have caused them to combine into a new molecule that reflects light differently, thus the change in color!”

“But what does it mean?” the detective demanded.

“Don’t rush it; give Science! time to settle!” Professor Science! stared long and hard at the liquid. “What the Science! is telling me is… Global Warming killed the polar bears!”

“I knew it!” the detective shouted. He turned to Officer Johnson. “Round up anyone who is emitting carbon and send them to federal prison!”

“Don’t they need trials first?” Officer Johnson asked.

“Not when Science! has already told us their guilt,” the detective answered.

“The work of Science! is done here!” Professor Science! hurried off, his white lab coat fluttering behind him.

Liberal Racism

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Man, you just scratch a liberal and they go after minorities with a fervor that would make Senator Byrd blush. A lot of liberals think they’re not racist but really have a mentality very similar to Ku Klux Klan members. It’s just that liberals don’t channel racism into hatred but instead into a patronizing attitude. And boy do they get upset when a minority doesn’t stay in the place the liberals assigned him to, i.e., becomes a conservative.

This is why conservatives are, by and large, much less racist than liberals. We expect the same out of everyone and treat everyone the same; we don’t favor certain policies for blacks and certain policies for whites. And, if a conservative is racist, you can be quite sure he will get called on it. A liberal gets a pass, though, and even feels entitled to racial animosity if someone dares slap away his hand.

Random Thoughts

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If the solution to our problems is a jobs bill, why wait over a year and until your supermajority is gone to pass it?

I tried to set the Thompsons straight on curling, and Jeri read the e-mail I sent on their radio show, but I don’t think I succeeded.

Best of the Web makes a good point: Is Reid threatening to abuse his wife if he loses his Senate seat?

It’s pretty powerful to see an immigrant from Kazakhstan working night delivery at 7/11 be so ecstatic at how he’s living the American dream.

Mass Effect 2 was one of the best games I’ve ever played. Have to play Mass Effect 1 and import your save to get the full effect, though.